Ep. #180 - CBGB

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss CBGB.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] That's not, it's just a bunch of letters. What does that mean?

Dan McCoy

[0:07] Uh, it stands for cow butt guy butt.

[0:11] I'm interested.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] Hey Dan McCoy, I am Stuart Wellington.

[0:46] Hey fans in podcast land, and Dan and Stuart, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:50] All here, back again.

[0:52] President accounted for.

[0:54] President accounted for, that's right. Before we started recording, we checked where the president was.

[0:58] Okay Dan, turn on the mics, let's do this thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] No, no, you don't understand how this works.

[1:02] Press the record button.

[1:03] No, it's already, we've got.

[1:05] Get those tapes spinning around.

[1:06] We're done cording, now let's record.

[1:09] We're not living in the 70s.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] Dan, how come you don't have a couple of big audio cans on your head, and you're not like bopping to the music going like, yeah, good stuff, good stuff.

[1:18] Let me press some of these slider buttons up. They do something.

[1:21] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] We need a little more of this, and a little lettuce of this other thing.

[1:26] Yeah.

[1:26] And this thing is at the right level.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29] Dan, you could be the best audio producer in the world.

[1:32] Meatloaf, get out of the booth.

[1:34] What?

[1:34] Because Meatloaf wants to hear us record our podcast.

[1:37] Oh, I see.

[1:38] You know, rock and roll star?

[1:39] Yeah, yeah.

[1:39] Meatloaf, get out of the booth.

Dan McCoy

[1:40] And into my tummy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] You eat a human being?

Dan McCoy

[1:45] Yes.

[1:45] When he says delicious.

[1:46] I like Hannibal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] Like Hannibal, the hit NBC show that's not really a hit, but I like it a lot.

[1:51] Danibal.

[1:54] Danibal the cannibal.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] You should have known when we named him Danibal.

[1:58] A name that does not exist.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] What about that guy who crossed the Alps?

[2:03] Wasn't his name Danibal?

Dan McCoy

[2:04] Oh, boy, Stuart.

[2:06] We got to start at the beginning.

[2:08] Oh, boy.

[2:09] At the beginning.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] I mean, if I wrote that down, I'd probably get a B minus on my history paper, right?

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] Only because it's close.

[2:15] I went to San Dimas High School, maybe.

[2:19] I went back in time and got Danibal to talk about his experiences.

[2:23] Hello.

[2:24] I don't know why I'm here.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] I'm the one guy in history who was named Danibal.

[2:30] What's up?

[2:31] I was a shoemaker.

[2:35] Danibal Schultz.

[2:36] Shoemaker extraordinaire.

[2:39] So this is primarily a bad movie podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:44] Yeah, we review it.

[2:45] Yeah.

[2:46] Well, I wouldn't call it a review except for the purposes of the website where I use copyrighted poster material under the auspices of us being a review show.

[2:56] That's for review purposes.

[2:57] Yeah, in much the way that Mr. Skin is a review site that reviews movies.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] I mean, it reviews them under a very narrow set of critical parameters.

Dan McCoy

[3:07] Yeah, there's one criterion that Mr. Skin is interested in.

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] No movie that's listed in Mr. Skin's website has to be angry that they're using their posters, though, right?

[3:17] I think it's more that they're using the footage from the movie.

[3:21] Oh, you can see the footage on there?

[3:23] Right.

[3:24] Do I have to get a membership or something?

[3:26] They're called skinheads.

Dan McCoy

[3:28] The members of Mr. Skin.

Stuart Wellington

[3:30] Oh, boy.

[3:30] I think you're mixing them up with someone else.

Dan McCoy

[3:32] So tonight we watched a movie called CBGB about the now gone New York punk club of the same name.

[3:45] Now it's remembered only through the name of a Daniel Balud restaurant.

[3:50] DBGB.

Stuart Wellington

[3:51] Okay.

[3:52] So, Dan, is this actually a movie?

[3:55] What did we watch?

[3:56] I don't believe it's a movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] Well, it seems to have been someone's middle school report on CBGB that a film school sophomore directed and shot.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] And then somebody drew all over with a bunch of comic book panels.

[4:15] Let me just say this.

[4:16] Middle school teacher who assigns a report on CBGB.

[4:20] Coolest middle school teacher.

[4:22] What's weird is that it's faith and religion class at a Catholic school.

[4:26] Why would he assign a CBGB report?

[4:28] Dan, explain.

[4:30] Religion's all about questions, Elliot.

[4:33] Like the one you just asked.

[4:36] Who questioned more than the original punk, Jesus?

[4:40] Oh, wow.

[4:40] He sounds pretty cool.

[4:41] Hey, you know what's radical, kids?

[4:44] Questioning the pre-existing theological structure.

Dan McCoy

[4:47] I mean, that is radical.

[4:49] I mean, it's a different version of radical.

[4:51] Hey, who was the original skateboarder?

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] Jesus Christ.

[4:55] I don't think that's true.

[4:56] He walked on the water.

Stuart Wellington

[4:57] You mean crucifix, and by border, you mean being nailed to her.

[5:01] Who's the world's most famous dead boy?

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] Except that he rose from it to become a god boy.

[5:08] Who's the world's most...

[5:09] Which sounds like Dog Boy.

[5:10] Any Charles Burns fans in the class?

Dan McCoy

[5:13] This is a hip teacher.

[5:14] Who's the world's most awesome fighting teens?

[5:18] Anyone?

[5:19] Anyone?

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] If you guessed Teenage Mutant Ninja Jesus, you'd be correct.

Dan McCoy

[5:23] Mm-hmm.

[5:25] There's probably a movie called that already.

[5:26] I thought they were the most fearsome fighting.

[5:28] Yeah, I don't fucking know.

[5:30] By the way, if the podcast listener can hear the sound of a truck backing up in the background,

[5:36] and apparently this truck has been backing up for the last 15 minutes.

[5:40] It's got a long way to go.

[5:41] Then just think of that as authentic New York grit of the kind you won't find in the movie CBGB.

Elliott Kalan

[5:48] Yeah, so let's talk.

[5:49] So CBGB, let's dispense with the plot summary, because here's the plot in the nutshell.

[5:52] I think we should go right into the plot summary.

[5:53] This guy...

[5:54] No, let's not.

[5:55] There is no plot in this movie.

[5:56] So the movie opens with the future Legs McNeil and his pal John Holmstrom talking about

[6:01] how they want to do a magazine about today's young, angry youth.

[6:06] And they come up with the name Punk in one of those stupid movie moments where someone

[6:10] uses a word and they both go, oh, that's great, or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[6:15] It's like we're falling into the abyss.

[6:19] Wait, what?

[6:19] James Cameron...

[6:20] And Harris slaps his head.

[6:21] He's like, James Cameron, I named the movie.

[6:23] I finally got a name for your movie that we're going to make in seven years.

Elliott Kalan

[6:27] Or how...

[6:27] Lord, like 12 years.

[6:28] When did the abyss come out?

[6:29] Anyway, then we cut to the past when a baby sneaks out of a crib and runs into a field.

[6:36] That baby is the future...

[6:37] That baby is abducted by aliens and it becomes the Star-Lord.

[6:41] If only.

[6:43] That baby grows out to be Hilly Crystal, the founder of CBGB.

[6:46] Billy Crystal?

[6:47] No.

[6:48] And it's not helped by Alan Rickman's...

[6:49] William Crystal?

[6:50] Super...

[6:51] No.

[6:51] It's not helped by Alan Rickman's super mumbly accent so that every time he says Hilly Crystal,

[6:56] it sounds like he says Billy Crystal.

[6:58] Yeah, he says, hello, I'm Hilly Crystal.

[7:01] But as...

Dan McCoy

[7:02] That's Alan Rickman.

[7:03] As the judge in...

[7:04] Okay, I guess I'll allow it.

[7:05] I'm going to...

Dan McCoy

[7:07] I'm going to deliver all my lines.

[7:10] I think that you've got something there.

[7:12] Deeper.

[7:12] You can do deeper, Elliot, right?

[7:14] This is all...

[7:15] There's something about the punk music that even though I don't like it, I will put it

[7:20] in my crib.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] And you're slowly turning into a Bond villain?

[7:24] Well, I don't miss the Bond.

Stuart Wellington

[7:24] How has he not been a Bond villain yet?

[7:27] Alan Rickman?

[7:27] Yeah, it would be great.

Elliott Kalan

[7:28] Well, I mean, he was...

[7:28] Everyone would say it's too much like Die Hard.

Dan McCoy

[7:30] Too much like Die Hard.

[7:31] Well, he doesn't have to be Truman.

[7:32] Yeah, I feel like he probably got it offered to him and he was just like, don't you think

[7:35] this is a bit obvious casting?

[7:37] I'm trying to avoid the terrorist type casting.

[7:39] You even named him Franz Gruber.

[7:41] You named him Franz Boober.

[7:43] You named him Franz Snape.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Seems strange.

[7:49] I haven't even played that part yet.

[7:52] The book hasn't been written.

[7:54] Yeah, so he's...

[7:56] So he...

Dan McCoy

[7:56] He's the most...

[7:57] And let's just get this one straight.

[7:58] He's the most English Jewish New York guy there's ever been.

Elliott Kalan

[8:01] And he is...

[8:03] You couldn't sleepwalk through this role more if his eyes...

[8:05] Eyes were literally closed through the whole movie.

[8:07] Let's go on things straight.

[8:08] I like Alan Rickman a lot.

[8:09] He's good in a lot of things.

[8:11] He's great in a lot of things.

[8:12] Not in this one.

[8:14] And so he is, as Stuart described it, he appears in Exposition Court where the judge

[8:18] explains that Hilly Crystal has twice gone bankrupt and is divorced with children.

[8:23] The sequel to Married with Children.

[8:25] When Al and Peggy just decided it wasn't working out anymore.

[8:28] But they were both in their 60s by that point.

[8:30] Yeah.

[8:31] So, I mean, how...

Dan McCoy

[8:32] They go in the divorce court and there's a toilet that flushes off screen.

[8:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] And every time their now middle-aged daughter, Christina Applegate, walks in, the judge goes,

[8:43] Ooh!

[8:45] Ow!

[8:45] Ow, ow, ow!

Stuart Wellington

[8:47] Yeah.

[8:47] Bud Bundy has long since died.

[8:49] Crushed under a, I don't know, an overweight Spuds McKenzie lookalike.

[8:54] Just like a big rock.

Elliott Kalan

[8:55] He was judging the Spuds McKenzie lookalike contest at the world's fattest dog convention.

[9:03] And was killed tragically when the stage collapsed.

Dan McCoy

[9:06] He was like, hmm, this dog looks like it could party hardy.

[9:10] This dog doesn't look like it parties hardy enough.

[9:12] And now this dog...

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] Oh, no!

[9:14] Ah!

[9:16] All the dogs are so fat that the buttons on their Hawaiian shirts are just straining to stay close.

Dan McCoy

[9:21] I mean, the thing is, all the dogs went to heaven, but Bud went to hell.

[9:25] Oh, yeah.

[9:25] All Bundys go to hell.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] Ted, Bud, all of them.

[9:28] Anyway, so...

[9:31] King Kong.

[9:32] Yeah.

[9:32] Well, King Kong Bundy went to hell, too?

Stuart Wellington

[9:34] Wait, is he still alive?

[9:37] Is he different than the giant ape character from those movies?

[9:40] They're brothers.

[9:40] Okay.

[9:43] But one's a cop and the other's a criminal.

Elliott Kalan

[9:46] Will they ever get along?

[9:47] It's called...

[9:48] Probably not.

[9:48] Yeah, probably not.

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] It's called the King of Kong.

Elliott Kalan

[9:51] So, Hilly has a dream of owning a music club.

[9:56] He wants to open a bluegrass music club.

[9:58] And he wanders through a piss-poor budget simulacrum of 70s rundown New York, which is represented

[10:07] by the same graffitoed storefronts and alleyways over and over again.

[10:11] And in one scene, he sees a rat.

[10:14] Now, New York, at this point, is at the height of its economic resurgence.

[10:17] Yeah.

[10:18] To such a point that someone like me, who's a high-paid television writer, can't afford

[10:22] to buy property in Manhattan.

[10:24] Sure.

[10:24] Can't afford to buy an apartment, really.

[10:26] And there are rats all over the place.

[10:28] So, the idea that...

[10:29] Yeah, you ride them to work sometimes.

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:31] I mean, if you're lucky, you lasso them, ride them like a sandworm.

[10:35] Sure.

[10:35] Then you're one of the makers.

[10:37] But, you see, the spice comes from the rats.

[10:40] That's the secret.

Stuart Wellington

[10:41] Oh, you gotta milk them.

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] Yeah, you milk them.

[10:44] Out of their spice teats.

[10:48] But, so, the idea that...

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Tom Brokaw was telling me about it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] What?

[10:53] What did that sound like?

Stuart Wellington

[10:54] Ah, so I was reading Dune the other day.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] The Shia Ludes are like rats.

[11:01] I had a vision of a massive jihad sweeping the universe, killing billions.

[11:05] Stop telling me about Dune.

[11:07] Shouting the name Tom Brokaw.

Dan McCoy

[11:09] I'm so very bored by you recapping the plot of Dune over and over again.

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] Michael, I thank you for agreeing to this second liaison.

Dan McCoy

[11:16] If I wanted to read Dune, I could just read Dune.

[11:18] Or I could watch the David Lynch film.

[11:20] I know it's not the same thing.

[11:21] No, I wouldn't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] It's not a great representation of the story.

[11:23] I'm a busy man.

[11:25] If anything, watch Jodorowsky's Dune, which, again, is not accurate, but more interesting.

Dan McCoy

[11:30] It's something about spice.

[11:31] I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] Now, but it's interesting.

[11:34] I am turning into Jimmy Stewart over time.

[11:37] Will you two keep it down up there?

[11:39] I'm the ghost of Jimmy Stewart.

[11:41] I'm trying to finish reading Chapter House Dune.

[11:44] That sounded more like Don Knotts than Jimmy Stewart.

Dan McCoy

[11:46] That was a little playlet we like to call an unlikely conversation between Tom Brokaw,

[11:53] Michael Caine, and Jimmy Stewart.

[11:55] About Dune.

Elliott Kalan

[11:58] Thank you.

[11:59] Jack Nicholson's here.

[12:01] Oh, no.

[12:02] Who wants to talk about Dune Messiah?

[12:08] Now, here you're here, Jack.

[12:10] I can't remember if that's before or after the one that I'm reading.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] Well, hello, everyone.

[12:15] It's me, Ronald Reagan.

[12:18] I hear you talking about Dune.

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] You're talking about Dune.

[12:24] Talk about an evil empire.

Dan McCoy

[12:29] I saw Stuart make a face like he was about to jump in with another hack impression, but he couldn't think of one in time.

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] The thing is, I could do a good impression, but, you know, it wouldn't be the same.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] That's the thing.

[12:43] Your impressions are too brilliant.

[12:44] They're too good.

[12:45] We don't know what it would sound like if Clive Owen jumped in talking about Dune.

Stuart Wellington

[12:49] Hello, hello.

[12:50] I love Dune.

[12:51] The book.

[12:51] It's me.

Dan McCoy

[12:53] He announces himself, of course.

[12:56] You're really the Peter Sellers of the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[12:59] Just amazing.

[13:00] It's me, Paul Giamatti.

[13:02] I was walking by and I heard you talking about Dune.

[13:05] They're going to feel it all the way in New York, San Andreas.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] In theaters now.

[13:14] Very angry about it for some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[13:16] Marty!

[13:17] You kids are going to read Dune.

Dan McCoy

[13:20] It's Christopher Lloyd.

[13:21] God damn.

[13:21] These are the worst impressions anyone has ever done.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] You know what?

[13:26] They're not the worst impressions because we just watched CBGB, a movie full of the shittiest impressions of famous punk rockers that there ever was.

[13:34] Yeah.

[13:35] Hey, here are some words you never heard used to describe punk rock musicians and CBGBs.

[13:41] Well-fed, tan, healthy-looking, fit, except maybe Iggy Pop.

[13:46] For a heroin addict, he was in pretty good shape most of the time.

Dan McCoy

[13:47] I think Iggy Pop was the most convincing one because he was convincingly, weirdly muscular emaciated.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] But the guy, all of them look like, it does look like a high school play about CBGB where they just got kids with the same hair color, you know.

[14:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:02] And everybody who plays a famous person walks out and then says their name.

[14:06] Yeah.

[14:07] Not unlike a certain Clive Owen impression.

Dan McCoy

[14:09] What do you think was worst?

[14:10] Was it Malin Ackerman as Debbie Harry?

[14:14] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] I mean, I thought the guys doing the Ramones were pretty lame, too.

[14:19] Yeah.

[14:20] I feel like the guy playing David Byrne did the best impression because he barely talked and he just stood there dressed in the same clothes that David Byrne used to wear.

Dan McCoy

[14:26] And he looks convincingly somewhere on the artistic spectrum.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] Yeah.

[14:30] But the thing is also, they don't have the actors sing cover versions.

[14:34] So here, let's get to that point.

[14:36] Hilly Crystal decides to open up a club.

Stuart Wellington

[14:38] He does it with his cockney English pal, Donald Loke.

[14:43] Donald Loke.

Dan McCoy

[14:43] It's going to be a country bluegrass blues club, which is why it's called CBGBs.

[14:48] We all know the well-worn tale of CBGBs.

Elliott Kalan

[14:51] It was going to be a cow-butt, guy-butt bar.

[14:54] Yeah.

[14:56] But the face took another turn.

[14:59] With his friends, the maybe English-accented Donald Loke and his daughter, who keeps arguing with him about the bills.

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] It's really great to see Donald Loke and...

Dan McCoy

[15:07] Is his daughter Ashley Green of Twilight fame?

[15:10] I think she might.

[15:11] Oh, let's hide it to be it.

[15:12] Okay, everybody...

[15:13] Use your pocket computer.

Stuart Wellington

[15:14] We're going to be quiet while Dan does this.

[15:15] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Look, you're the navigator of your pocket calculator, so...

Stuart Wellington

[15:18] But it is really great to watch Alan Rickman and Donald Loke do these competing impressions.

[15:25] Impressions or, like, accents, where it gets to a point where neither of them seems to know what accent they're supposed to be doing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:32] No, yeah, Donald Loke is Englishing up while Alan Rickman tries to English down, and they reach the middle at this, like, kind of shitty Patrick McGowan is what it sounds like.

[15:41] Like a poorly enunciated Patrick McGowan continental accent.

Dan McCoy

[15:44] Yeah, well, it's not even like the trans-continental, yeah, mid-Atlantic accent.

[15:48] It's just sort of like...

[15:49] It just sounds like...

[15:50] It sounds like Kevin Costner or something in Prince of Thieves.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] Especially because they keep talking about baseball and how they're going to build a baseball field in a cornfield.

[15:59] Was that what happened in Prince of Thieves?

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:01] I misunderstood that movie.

Dan McCoy

[16:03] It's called Robin Hood, Prince of Field of Dreams Thieves.

[16:06] Another Alan Rickman movie, where he was also miscast.

[16:10] Although he probably was the best thing about that movie.

[16:13] Yeah, definitely.

[16:13] Like, he was acting in a different movie than everyone else.

[16:16] No, Christian Slater was.

[16:18] But he was enjoyable in the movie he was acting in.

[16:20] So, he wants to...

[16:22] He thought he was in a Rocky Horror Picture Show version of the Robin Hood story.

Stuart Wellington

[16:26] So, he wants to...

[16:27] He said this super serious, like, hard-hitting Robin Hood story that we're given.

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] He's a...

[16:32] He wants to...

[16:33] He wants to open a music club.

[16:34] He has a dog that poops everywhere.

[16:36] He's a totally unlikable, lazy, grumpy guy who mumbles and isn't friendly to anybody.

[16:43] And was kind of semi-friendly to people.

[16:45] He's just really, like...

[16:46] He has no charisma whatsoever.

[16:48] He's like a walking sponge.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] And he operates with, like, the least amount of direction or...

[16:55] Like, you have no idea why he's doing what he's doing.

[16:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] He has no motivation to do anything.

[17:01] He never even says, like, I like music.

[17:03] He's just kind of like...

[17:05] I guess you're just supposed to assume that.

[17:07] And the whole movie is predicated on the idea that you, as the viewer, love CBGB.

[17:11] You know, love CBGBs.

[17:13] I keep on CBGB, but I always thought of it as CBGBs.

[17:15] Love CBGBs and love punk music.

[17:17] So, like, you're going to watch this, like, the stations of the cross and be super excited

[17:21] when, like, a bunch of people dressed up to look like the dead boys show up.

[17:25] Or, like, when a guy dressed up to look like Lou Reed shows up.

[17:29] And you're going to be so excited to see these famous punk moments acted out in these famous

[17:33] stories about the crazy Hilly Crystal.

[17:36] And so the movie just...

Stuart Wellington

[17:37] Acted out on a stage that's plastered with, like, stickers and posters.

[17:41] But none of it has, like, a lick of dust or dirt on it.

[17:45] And the movie...

Dan McCoy

[17:46] But it's also interesting that you say, like, Stations of the Cross, because it feels like

[17:49] a Christmas pageant.

[17:50] It feels like, all right, well, this is a familiar story, and we're going to get some

[17:53] kids to come in and act it out.

[17:55] Or, like, a passion play.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] Like, that it's more important to hit the beats than any sense of drama or character.

[18:01] Like, it feels more like a crappy ritual.

[18:03] And so it's...

[18:04] The movie doesn't have structure so much as it has this recurring series of scenes where

[18:09] people complain to Hilly that they're not making money on the bar.

[18:12] The bar's losing money.

[18:13] A band comes in and plays for a while.

[18:15] The actors lip-sync to the album version of these famous songs.

[18:19] Oh, my God.

[18:20] They're so good, though.

[18:21] The lip-syncing is so bad.

[18:23] And so they'll be like, hey, yeah, we're just starting out.

[18:26] We're...

Stuart Wellington

[18:26] This is our first ever performance live.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] Let's play this band's biggest hit.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] Biggest hit.

[18:31] Super polished.

[18:32] And at the end...

[18:32] Even if it's, like, anachronist.

[18:35] Like, they've got Patti Smith singing Because of the Night.

[18:37] When that's, like, a much later song from her.

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] The last scene of the movie is this new band comes in.

[18:43] And it's clearly the police.

[18:44] Because they look kind of like the police.

[18:46] And they start playing.

[18:47] And they're just lip-syncing to the album version of Roxanne.

[18:49] And it's like, well, this guy either does an amazing sting impression and an amazing sting

[18:54] in a studio impression.

[18:56] Like, it's...

[18:56] Yeah.

[18:57] And as you point out, like, Alan Rickman's like, I might have something here.

[19:00] Which maybe was the thing he used to say a lot.

[19:02] But, like, it feels like you're watching...

Dan McCoy

[19:04] Of course they do.

[19:05] This is a really polished fucking song.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] It feels like, a lot of the time, like you're watching a movie version of the Jimmy Fallon

[19:12] game where celebrities lip-sync to songs in competition.

Stuart Wellington

[19:15] But in celebrities, you have...

[19:17] Instead of celebrities...

[19:18] I mean...

[19:19] Just people who...

[19:20] I mean, it's like...

[19:20] You got Rupert Grint from Hogwarts.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] It's like a fan...

[19:24] Yeah.

[19:24] It's like some...

Stuart Wellington

[19:25] That's what we know from.

[19:27] Hogwarts.

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] Some 13-year-old kid...

Stuart Wellington

[19:29] You got the guy from The Hangover that's not on the poster.

[19:31] Justin Bartha.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] Some 13-year-old kid in Scarsdale.

[19:35] I think of that every time I see it.

[19:37] Justin Panthro?

[19:38] What?

[19:39] Bantha.

[19:39] Oh, Bantha.

[19:40] Yeah.

[19:41] That's a...

[19:42] That's a Justin Bartha food...

[19:43] Poodoo.

[19:44] Yeah.

[19:45] They...

[19:45] It's like some kid in Scarsdale was really into punk, and so his parents decided to throw

[19:50] him a punk-themed bar mitzvah, where they took some catering hall and plastered it with

[19:54] punk zines and shit, and hired people from the local performing arts high school to pretend

[20:00] that they were punkers from the punk times.

[20:03] And it's...

[20:03] The whole thing is so, like, antiseptic and, like...

[20:06] Look, it looks really...

[20:07] Like, for a movie that's supposed to be about, like, junkies performing music, essentially,

[20:12] in a shithole, it looks really clean, like you were saying.

Stuart Wellington

[20:14] Yeah, every time they go outside, it's like they stepped onto a fucking Sesame Street set.

Elliott Kalan

[20:18] Like, if Oscar the Grouch had shown up, it would have added needed grit and realism to

[20:22] the movie.

Dan McCoy

[20:23] Well, Kent, we're in a very, like, privileged position here that we're not usually...

[20:26] Oh, yeah, we're upper-middle-class guys.

[20:28] We're all employed.

[20:28] That's true.

[20:29] White.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] Let's not forget that in America.

Dan McCoy

[20:31] I'm kind of employed.

Elliott Kalan

[20:32] But in addition...

[20:34] You're a private entrepreneur.

Dan McCoy

[20:35] We're in a privileged position in this movie in that we don't have to spend a bunch of

[20:40] time recapping the plot, because this movie has no plot.

[20:43] Like, I just want to skip through it and say, like, the plot of the movie is famous band

[20:49] after famous band walks into CBGB, and Haley gives them a chance.

[20:54] However, he's a bad manager, so he's still, like, losing money on the bar, or he forgets

[20:59] to pay his rent, so his daughter takes over some of that stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[21:02] There's a long sequence where he's trying to manage the Dead Boys as a band.

[21:05] Well, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:05] In the end, he's like, oh, this will rocket me to success.

[21:07] Now I've got to start managing these bands, and he starts managing the Dead Boys, but that

[21:11] doesn't really do much for him.

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] He takes a band that's made up of some of the...

[21:15] Like, of all the bands that ended up recording albums that played at CBGB is, like, one of

[21:20] the most screwed up when it came to actually doing things, you know?

Dan McCoy

[21:24] Yeah.

[21:24] And that's pretty much all that happens in the movie, which means that we can, unlike

[21:29] normal, circle back and focus more on the small things rather than, like, going through

[21:34] a labyrinthine plot.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] We should also mention there's a lovable junkie named Idaho who does odd jobs around

[21:41] the place.

Dan McCoy

[21:42] Would you say that he was CBGB's private Idaho?

Elliott Kalan

[21:46] I would.

[21:47] He seems to...

[21:47] He's like...

[21:48] He's like the lovable junkie mascot.

Stuart Wellington

[21:51] It's like if they got Charlie Day's character from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on stage

[21:55] doing that, like, Nightman Cometh play to play a junkie.

[21:59] That's basically what you're getting at.

[22:00] Nightman Cometh?

[22:02] Yeah.

[22:02] Iceman.

[22:03] No, I think it's...

[22:04] What's the...

[22:05] Oh, wait.

[22:06] It's the fucking bit from that show.

[22:07] Oh, you're talking about the part...

Dan McCoy

[22:08] The song...

[22:09] Oh, sorry.

[22:09] The song.

[22:10] The play from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[22:11] Oh, I don't think I've seen that.

[22:12] I don't think I've seen that episode.

[22:13] You're not talking about the...

[22:14] Danny DeVito's in it.

[22:15] Actually, you will love it.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] And I've seen the show.

[22:18] I haven't seen every episode.

[22:19] I thought you meant Eugene O'Neill's play about Nightman, the, I think, what, Valiant

[22:24] Comics character?

[22:26] What is he like?

[22:27] I'm thinking of Shadowman.

Dan McCoy

[22:28] Okay, I was going to say...

[22:29] I thought you were talking about...

[22:30] The jazz musician superhero.

[22:31] Clifford Odette's play The Iceman Coming.

[22:34] The long, long, very long play.

[22:36] That's the Eugene O'Neill play, Dan.

[22:38] Are you sure?

[22:39] Yes.

[22:40] Okay.

[22:41] Clifford Odette's wrote Wait for Lefty, The Big Knife.

[22:44] I'm looking at it.

[22:45] Awake and Sing.

[22:46] You keep talking.

Elliott Kalan

[22:46] Yeah, look up Eugene O'Neill.

[22:48] Yeah, look it up.

[22:49] Prove me wrong, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[22:54] So, yeah.

[22:56] Eugene O'Neill.

[22:57] Yeah.

[23:00] I just learned something.

[23:01] It's boring.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] Well, one, neither of them are boring.

[23:05] It's pretty boring.

[23:06] I don't think.

[23:07] Anyway, look, we're talking about CVGV, a movie we can all agree is boring.

[23:11] So, even at this point, like...

[23:13] If you're going to say Eugene O'Neill play is boring, you should talk about Morning Becomes

[23:15] Electra.

[23:16] And even that has good scenes in it.

[23:17] But, anywho.

Stuart Wellington

[23:18] There's even bits where, even when he's trying to manage the dead boys, his motivation really

[23:23] isn't that clear...

[23:23] I'm sorry I got so hostile about that, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[23:25] No, I know that your self-worth is really tied up in your theater-goer persona.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] I mean, not persona.

[23:32] It's something I care about.

[23:33] And Eugene O'Neill, someone my grandmother met a couple times when she was working for

[23:37] the theater guild.

Stuart Wellington

[23:38] Name-dropping takes an early appearance on this.

[23:43] This is my new segment.

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] People I didn't see in the theater, but family members of mine saw.

[23:48] Would you like to think they went out a few times?

[23:50] I would.

[23:51] I mean, my grandmother, I assume, hit on him.

[23:53] Like, that's...

[23:54] Or, she was pretty frisky at the time.

[23:58] Anyway.

[23:59] At the time.

[24:00] Tell me more.

[24:01] This is my father's mother who, when I introduced her to my then-girlfriend, now-wife, she was

[24:07] touring us around the assisted living apartment she lived in.

[24:10] And she said, here's the bedroom.

[24:13] Nothing happens in there.

[24:15] It was like, Grandma, you are so...

[24:18] You are definitely a Blanche.

[24:20] Yep.

[24:21] It all happens in the bathroom.

[24:23] I like to do it standing up in the shower.

[24:26] Don't worry, we have those flowers on the ground so we don't slip.

[24:28] Two of the worst ways to do it.

[24:31] Look, when you're that old, you gotta spice it up somehow.

[24:34] Um, so, yeah.

[24:36] What do we have to say about this movie?

[24:37] Anyway, it's a...

[24:38] It's...

[24:39] Here was the question that I was asking Stuart during the movie.

[24:41] So, let's take a successful movie about a music scene, 24-hour party people.

[24:45] Yeah.

[24:46] Which is about the Madchester music scene.

[24:48] Music I don't like.

[24:49] And a time period I'm not interested in.

[24:52] And yet, that movie is great.

[24:53] This is a movie about a time period and music which I've kind of lost my...

[24:58] And a city.

[24:58] And a city, which, like, I've...

[25:00] Some of those things I'm not as into as I once was, but, like, there was a period in my

[25:04] life when I was all about punk, especially that era of punk.

[25:07] I'm still hugely, like, obsessed with that time in New York's history.

[25:11] And yet, this movie was so uninteresting to me.

[25:14] Like, I was fighting to be interested in a movie that's about things I'm interested in.

Dan McCoy

[25:18] Like, there are musical acts depicted in this that I love.

[25:23] Talking Heads first among them, but also Blondie, The Ramones...

[25:29] Television you love?

[25:29] Television I love.

[25:32] Spin Doctors.

[25:32] Iggy Pop is good.

[25:34] The Spin Doctors were great in this movie.

[25:36] They played themselves.

[25:38] The Spin Doctors were not the movie.

[25:38] The Ramones.

[25:39] But it's just...

[25:40] It's just so, like...

[25:44] It glances over the surface of everything.

[25:47] And when you see these bands...

[25:49] Like, these bands...

[25:50] You don't learn anything about the bands.

[25:51] Like, you learn about...

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] You learn their names and kind of the costumes that they wore.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] Yeah, it's so focused on the club and the club owner, who is maybe the least interesting

[25:59] part of this whole story.

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] And even then it's focused on him, but like, even he doesn't do that much.

Stuart Wellington

[26:05] What about the breakneck pacing that tries to mimic the pacing of punk rock music?

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] Well, this thing, every now and then, they'll just...

[26:12] Suddenly, it'll turn into comic book scenes, and it'll switch to another scene.

[26:16] And you're like, what?

[26:17] Did I just see...

[26:18] Did I get transported to Cool World?

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:20] Is this a live-action underground zine?

[26:23] And they'll be like a...

[26:23] Is this comics with an X?

Dan McCoy

[26:25] There'll be like a thought balloon or a talk balloon of someone saying something either...

[26:30] Like, ew, gross!

[26:30] ...really unwitty or something that just reinforces what we just saw in the scene anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[26:35] There's also the scenes of John Holmstrom and...

[26:39] What's her name?

[26:42] From American Psycho?

[26:44] Mary Heron.

[26:45] Mary Heron.

[26:46] Just walking around the streets of New York talking about what punk means in a way that

[26:50] no human being has ever done.

[26:52] It's like...

[26:53] They were like scenes from the West Wing where there's exposition that Aaron Storkin needs

[26:56] to get out.

[26:57] So it was like, why don't I just take this paragraph that explains how the checks and

[27:02] balances system works, split it up into dialogue by just giving characters one line each and

[27:07] have them walk through a hallway and people will think it's dramatic.

Dan McCoy

[27:09] Listen, it's the sort of myth-making that only makes sense in retrospect but would never

[27:15] be true of the time.

[27:18] Because this movie does not have any sense of immediacy of how a scene would actually

[27:24] be growing.

[27:25] It's all through this haze of like, this is important.

Elliott Kalan

[27:30] Yeah, well it's one of those movies where television performs to two people and suddenly there's

[27:35] a review in a magazine about it.

[27:37] In a different city.

[27:38] And his daughter's like, you have no idea how big this is going to be.

[27:43] And then the next show they have The Place is Packed.

[27:46] Yeah.

[27:47] And every band that plays The Place is Packed.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] And that junkie guy's in the back making chili like it's fucking eggs-erroneous or something.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] He's just squeezing ketchup into a big pot.

Stuart Wellington

[28:00] There's a lot of dog shit jokes.

[28:03] A lot of dog shit jokes.

[28:03] A lot of cockroach jokes.

[28:05] We learn the origin of punk rock dudes wearing Doc Martens, I guess, or combat boots.

[28:10] Well, boots.

[28:10] Because he wasn't wearing Doc Martens.

[28:13] I mean, I didn't check the tag, did you?

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] They don't look like Doc Martens.

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] Why do you have to always be right, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Sorry.

[28:20] I'm just high off that Eugene O'Neill thing.

[28:22] Why don't you have to undercut me?

[28:23] We're going to talk about this on the walk-on.

Dan McCoy

[28:27] Probably going to talk about BPRD on the walk-on.

[28:29] Yeah, probably.

[28:29] I will say that it is absurd to watch all these guys lip sync to these songs.

[28:36] But at the same time, the best part of the movie by far was just being like...

[28:40] Closing your eyes and imagining you're just listening to them.

[28:43] Yeah.

[28:43] Imagine you're just listening to an album.

[28:45] Oh, this is a good mixtape.

[28:46] Here you go.

[28:47] You got some television, some talking heads.

[28:48] Here comes Patti Smith.

[28:50] Some Blondie.

[28:50] Great.

Elliott Kalan

[28:50] It could be one of those movies that has a really good soundtrack album.

[28:54] Yeah.

[28:54] But is it not a good movie?

[28:56] Like Empire Records?

[28:57] Yeah, basically.

[28:58] At the end of the movie, one of you guys said they had assembled the team of Hilly's Helpers

[29:04] to get the club back off the ground again.

[29:07] And one of you said they were the Empire Records group now.

[29:10] And this movie feels like it's the Empire Records version of the history of punk.

[29:14] Where like when I was 12 or 14 or however, watching Empire Records, and they were like,

[29:21] these kids are rebellious.

[29:22] Even at that age, I was like, I don't think so.

[29:24] They work at this enormous store.

[29:26] And even as a kid, I was like, they're not doing any work.

[29:28] There's no wonder that this store is closing down.

Dan McCoy

[29:31] Yeah.

[29:32] Now when you were 17, was that a very good year?

[29:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[29:36] A very good year for...

[29:38] What does he sing about having sex with girls on golf courses or something?

Dan McCoy

[29:41] I don't...

[29:42] I think you might be confusing with real Frank Sinatra.

[29:46] Oh, maybe that was it.

[29:47] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:49] Now when I was 31, that was a very good year.

[29:53] Is that year the one with limousines and women of independent means?

[29:56] I don't know, man.

[29:58] Check it.

[29:58] Check the phone.

Dan McCoy

[30:01] Did Eugenio write it?

[30:02] I know that to jump songs, when I saw a fire, I thought, is that all there is?

[30:07] Is that all there is to a fire?

[30:10] I had the same feeling about circuses.

[30:12] Yeah.

[30:12] Also life in general.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Is that all there is to the story of CBGBs?

[30:17] Then, during the credits, well, here's the...

[30:19] Then it's like, they've done this movie where you'd only be interested in it if you knew

[30:22] who these people were anyway.

[30:23] They end with one of those, like, now we're going to tell you who the people were with

[30:27] a picture of the actor playing them and a little bio.

[30:29] Like it's fucking Animal House or something.

[30:31] But then they show...

[30:34] It says on text, when Talking Heads was inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, they thanked

[30:38] Hilly Crystal.

[30:39] Then the credits roll.

[30:40] They show that moment from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony, and it's way

[30:46] better than anything else in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[30:47] They basically summarize all the salient points of the movie.

[30:51] Like they basically do a better plot summary than we just did.

[30:54] Yeah.

[30:55] And that's all you need.

[30:56] Just watch the credits.

[30:57] You'll get the whole story.

[30:58] It's exciting.

[31:00] That's it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] So, I guess what I'm saying is, great good movie or best movie ever?

[31:07] Yeah.

[31:07] Cow butt, guy butt.

[31:08] I kind of...

[31:09] I kind of wish we were watching a movie called Cow Butt, Guy Butt.

Dan McCoy

[31:13] I wish there was more to say about this movie, but there really is not.

Elliott Kalan

[31:17] I was hoping...

[31:18] So, this is a different type of movie for us.

[31:19] I don't remember if we've ever done a movie based on fact, you know.

[31:23] Immortals?

Dan McCoy

[31:24] Yeah, I forgot Immortals.

[31:25] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] And 300 Rise of Empire.

[31:29] RIPD.

Dan McCoy

[31:29] It's based on the true story of the rise of the RIPD.

[31:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:34] The rise of the RIPD.

[31:36] Oh, yeah.

[31:36] G.I. Joe, Rise of Cobra, whatever.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] No, we watched that one for fun.

[31:41] Yeah.

[31:42] Yeah, but there's not a lot there.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] The true story of Jonah Hex.

[31:47] Yeah, there's very little...

[31:48] Like, there's not a lot of substance in this movie.

[31:50] This is the thinnest of thin.

Dan McCoy

[31:51] And any style it has is hideous.

[31:54] It's poorly made.

[31:55] Like, I can see what they're...

[31:56] This is a cheap-looking movie.

[31:57] They're trying to do...

[31:58] Like, they've got a lot of great actors in it, but they're trying to do...

Stuart Wellington

[32:00] And they date it with occasional newspapers and television news bits.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] Like, someone is literally reading a newspaper that says,

[32:07] Ford to City, drop dead.

[32:09] Like, okay, now I know the exact day this scene is happening.

Stuart Wellington

[32:11] I love the bit where Haley's about to get a parking ticket from the cop,

[32:16] and the cop's like, New York's running out of money.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] They're calling in their debts.

[32:21] We gotta get more tickets.

[32:24] New York's bankrupt.

[32:25] It needs the cash.

[32:27] And the fact...

[32:27] But they didn't go to the trouble of...

[32:29] Did you hear?

Stuart Wellington

[32:29] There was a taking on Pelham 123.

Elliott Kalan

[32:33] Boy, these water gates.

[32:34] I don't know what to tell you.

[32:37] What do you got?

[32:37] A death wish?

Stuart Wellington

[32:39] Just thinking of old movies.

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] I see.

[32:41] We're seeing a real beginning of a rise of evangelical Christianity as a force in American domestic politics.

[32:48] And you gotta know that the Soviet Union's only gotta know the 13 or 12 years left in it.

[32:54] There's a real malaise over the country.

[32:57] It was a little later.

[32:58] Sure.

[32:59] We gotta whip inflation now.

[33:02] That was that time.

[33:03] And also, but at the same time, they didn't bother to hide the fact that they're using modern subway trains in the few subway scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] That's the kind of detail.

[33:13] Yeah, that was really great, seeing the trains that I could be riding on now.

[33:18] Like, it's like I could go back in time to CBGB's days.

[33:21] Yes.

[33:21] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] Did either of you guys ever go there to CBGB's?

Dan McCoy

[33:26] No, I always kind of meant to because, you know, like we've said, like the music did mean something to me.

[33:32] Although, like, going there would be an empty gesture because by that time it was just like another club with like a shitty bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[33:40] Yeah, because I went there once to see the band of my sister's then boyfriend.

[33:44] And it was, yeah, without the history of the place, it was like, oh, this place is pretty crappy.

[33:49] Mm-hmm.

[33:49] I could buy a $20 t-shirt.

[33:51] And it's not like...

[33:53] That's the true measure of any punk bar.

Dan McCoy

[33:55] It's not like I did not spend a fair amount of my, like, young life in New York in shitty performance spaces as a comedy person.

[34:04] So I didn't need to seek out, like, a lousy performance space for music.

[34:09] That's a good point.

[34:11] But anyway, let's move on to final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[34:14] See, someday, someday, and the listeners will not understand any of what I'm talking about, but Dan will,

[34:18] we'll make a movie called Juvie Hall with Alan Rickman as Eric Marsizak, our good friend and manager of Juvie Hall to comedy.

[34:26] Okay, who's going to play Dan?

[34:27] Who's about to get married this weekend.

[34:29] Yeah.

[34:29] In fact, as you listen to this, Dan and I will be in Montreal celebrating that wedding and also getting married ourselves.

[34:34] Dan.

[34:34] What?

[34:35] Will you make me the happiest podcast co-host in the world?

Dan McCoy

[34:38] I mean, it's polygamy, but...

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] It's polygamy, too.

[34:41] No, wait a minute.

[34:42] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[34:43] That joke works when you say bigamy.

[34:44] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[34:44] I screwed that up.

[34:45] Hold on.

[34:46] I set that up poorly.

[34:47] Let's re-rack.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] Hold on.

[34:49] It's bigamy.

[34:50] No, it's too late.

[34:51] We get too late to do the dumbest, oldest joke in the history of marriage jokes.

Dan McCoy

[34:55] But yeah, no, that was a...

[34:57] There were, you know, good people who came out of that tiny basement theater, including yours and mine, truly.

[35:04] Yeah.

[35:04] Lots of people.

[35:04] And Sarah Schaefer of MTV's Nikki and Sarah Live and other things.

Elliott Kalan

[35:11] And who else?

[35:12] Lots of people.

[35:13] Anyway, we don't need to reminisce about our old...

[35:15] We'll do this when we're older.

[35:17] We'll reminisce about our old...

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] I want to do it now!

[35:19] Comedy Basement Days.

[35:20] When you make that movie, could you put some fat guy in the audience and have it be me?

[35:24] Mm-hmm.

[35:27] I just want one old name card.

[35:29] You'll just be wearing a shirt that says Fat Stewart.

Dan McCoy

[35:29] In overalls.

Stuart Wellington

[35:31] Yeah, I'd be wearing a roll, of course.

[35:32] Going, you'll love this here comedy.

Dan McCoy

[35:35] I've just arrived from Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Elliott Kalan

[35:38] Indiana.

[35:40] Seems like a...

[35:41] And you'll do it the same way that Cheetah Chrome had a cameo in this as a taxi driver

[35:46] who looks at the camera and goes, I hate that punk shit.

[35:49] You'll look at the camera and you go, this is some kind of real flop house.

Dan McCoy

[35:55] I'll never do a podcast, whatever that is.

Elliott Kalan

[35:59] It hasn't been invented yet.

[36:00] You'll...

Stuart Wellington

[36:01] Wait a minute.

[36:01] The actor or I would get the cameo that you guys promised me?

[36:04] You would get the cameo, but you're in a fashion.

[36:05] So why would I be doing a weird impression of myself?

Elliott Kalan

[36:08] Because we don't want people to recognize you except for the people really in the know.

[36:13] Okay, they have to be cool.

[36:14] Maybe you'll do a cameo as Clive Owen.

[36:15] How about that?

[36:16] Oh, good.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] I thought you were about to say Clive Barker and I can't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] I was just in Groupier.

Stuart Wellington

[36:22] Hello?

Elliott Kalan

[36:23] Is it some sort of comedy place?

[36:27] Yeah.

[36:27] What would you do as a Clive Barker impression?

Stuart Wellington

[36:30] Uh, I would probably open up my books of blood and say, do you know, Fia?

[36:37] Hi, it's me, Todd McFarlane.

Elliott Kalan

[36:40] Why is Clive Barker doing a Todd McFarlane impression?

Stuart Wellington

[36:43] Because it's a really extended burn on Todd McFarlane.

[36:49] If you were a hellspawn...

Dan McCoy

[36:50] So, this is the point of the podcast where I ask you a question.

Stuart Wellington

[36:56] It's almost like we didn't like this movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:57] And that's a question of final judgment.

[37:00] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[37:04] I, for part of it, was almost leaning towards good, bad, because it is really miscalculated,

[37:12] this film.

[37:13] But by the end of it, it just got so dull.

Elliott Kalan

[37:16] There was a certain point where it was like a Bataan Death March movie.

[37:21] Yeah.

[37:21] I gotta say, bad, bad.

Stuart Wellington

[37:22] When he goes back out to New Jersey, and he goes to the chicken farm, and then he has

[37:26] a quilt around him for a little while.

[37:28] Just playing acoustic guitar.

[37:30] But it's really great after that, because it's edited in such a way that, like, he's talking

[37:33] on the phone, and then all of a sudden he's already in the room.

[37:36] Like, as soon as she hangs up the phone, he teleported there.

[37:39] And then, ah, it's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] You said there's a scene where, at that scene, where he walks to his office, and then it cuts

[37:44] to him sitting, he walks to the front door of his office, it cuts to inside his office,

[37:48] him at the desk, and cut on action.

[37:51] His daughter walking in, and it looks like he transformed into his daughter as he passed

[37:55] through the door.

[37:56] Like, for one moment, they hired, I forget who edited Images, the Robert Altman movie.

[38:02] They brought him in to do one cut in the entire movie, and just make it super complicated.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] And that's supposed to represent that for a moment, he can see things through her eyes.

[38:13] Roles are reversed, and he understands, I have to get my shit together, I have to get everybody

[38:18] together, and they have to give me a bunch of money.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] Yeah, well, we also missed the scene where he and his daughter peed in the same fountain.

[38:24] Oh, no kidding.

[38:25] They switcherooed their brainios.

[38:27] Anyway, I would say bad, bad movie.

[38:28] It was super boring.

Dan McCoy

[38:30] All right, thanks, guys.

[38:31] Thanks for that judgment.

Stuart Wellington

[38:33] Dan didn't ask me, but I think it was bad, too.

[38:36] Wait, didn't I?

[38:37] I mean, it was kind of an open question to both of us.

Dan McCoy

[38:40] I feel like it was incumbent upon you to volunteer your feelings.

[38:44] I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] You've got to be your own advocate.

[38:46] This is like a hospital or, you know, the legal system.

[38:49] Mm-hmm.

[38:50] I can't.

Dan McCoy

[38:51] Stewart's have a harder time of it in the world.

[38:54] Sure.

[38:54] They have to support themselves.

[38:57] So, now it's time for Letters from Listeners, a popular segment on our podcast, I'm Led

[39:04] to Believe.

[39:07] And this first letter.

[39:09] You're really hyping the letters segment.

[39:10] This first letter goes exactly like this.

[39:14] It is.

[39:14] You are quoting.

[39:15] The six reasons why Elliot Kalin is history's greatest monster.

[39:20] Uh, hold on a second.

[39:22] Dear Floppers.

[39:23] Written by Dan McCoy.

[39:24] Based on a recommendation by fellow...

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] History's greatest monster?

[39:28] Based on...

[39:28] Like, greater than Dracula?

Dan McCoy

[39:30] Based...

[39:31] Because he's pretty great.

[39:32] Based on a recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[39:33] What about that Imhotep guy?

[39:35] Mm-hmm.

[39:35] He's all right.

[39:36] But he can, like, summon a sea of beetles to eat people.

[39:39] Yeah, out of his mouth.

[39:40] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[39:41] He's just throwing up beetles on you.

Stuart Wellington

[39:43] What can Dracula do against that?

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] You can't drink their blood.

[39:47] They're beetles.

[39:47] Beetles don't have blood.

[39:48] Turn into a mist.

[39:50] The beetles get all shivery and cold.

[39:52] Okay, that's actually a good point.

[39:53] Maybe the moisture from his...

[39:54] The beetles are like, help, I need somebody.

Dan McCoy

[39:57] Help, not just anybody.

[39:59] I don't get it.

[39:59] Is that a song?

[40:00] Help, I need someone.

[40:01] There's a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] There was...

[40:03] I wouldn't have been...

[40:04] The CBGB is one of those movies I wouldn't be surprised if partway through the beetles just

[40:08] walked in, even though they were totally anachronistic to that time.

[40:10] No, it's us.

Dan McCoy

[40:12] Four lads from Liverpool.

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] Just from here from Liverpool, we decided to play a little skiffle in your little club.

[40:16] Hey, it's me, GGL, and I'm going to shit my own face.

[40:22] And it's me, G.E. Smith, with the Saturday Night Live band.

[40:25] I'm also going to shit my own face for some reason.

[40:28] Lorne won't let me do it on the show.

Stuart Wellington

[40:30] Blah, blah.

[40:30] It's me, Ludwig Beethoven.

[40:33] Ludwig.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] Hey, it's me, Ozzy Osbourne.

[40:35] I'm here to bite the head off of a bat.

[40:38] Right?

[40:39] Yeah.

[40:39] That's what he did?

[40:40] A chicken?

[40:41] Which one?

Elliott Kalan

[40:41] He bit heads off a lot of things.

[40:43] Barbie dolls.

[40:44] A president.

Dan McCoy

[40:47] That's how he's assented James Garfield.

[40:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:49] It's me, William Howard Taft.

[40:52] Hilly, would you be able to get me unstuck from this bathing tub?

Dan McCoy

[40:58] Yeah.

[41:00] We referenced Bill and Ted before, but it's basically just Bill and Ted, where everyone

[41:03] comes in and does their thing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:05] And announces themselves.

Dan McCoy

[41:07] Or any Saturday Night Live sketch.

[41:09] Yeah.

[41:11] Yeah.

[41:13] So, too real.

[41:15] So, dear floppers.

Elliott Kalan

[41:17] Tis I, Miguel de Cervantes y Saavedra.

[41:21] I was wondering if I might find, I don't know if that has an English accent, he's Spanish.

[41:25] Find if I might sit at your table.

[41:26] Sean Connery in Highlander?

[41:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:31] Yeah.

[41:31] I'm sorry.

[41:31] Dan gave me a look.

[41:32] No.

[41:33] I'm not singing.

[41:34] I just want to get to the six reasons why Ellie Cale and his history is a monster.

[41:36] I don't.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] That's why I'm stalling.

[41:37] Carl Stalling.

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:39] The music of the Looney Tunes cartoons.

[41:42] That's a Raymond Scott song.

[41:43] No, but he stole it.

[41:44] Carl Stalling.

[41:45] He used it a lot.

[41:45] It was in the Warner Music Library.

[41:46] Yeah, it's called Powerhouse.

[41:47] I know.

[41:48] I remember reading an essay that talked about how Chuck Jones would get mad that Carl Stalling

[41:52] would go to the same songs over and over again.

[41:55] Like, if there was a character wearing red.

[41:56] He's like, you're stalling, Carl.

[41:57] Yeah.

[41:58] If there's a character wearing red, he'd just pick a song with red in the title.

[42:00] Really?

[42:00] If there's a character wearing blue, he'd just pick a song with blue in the title.

[42:03] Oh, boy.

[42:04] It works really well, though.

[42:06] So, based on a recommendation by a fellow podcaster.

[42:08] Raymond Scott walks in.

[42:09] I'm getting into electronic music.

[42:11] I'm not playing crazy jazz anymore.

[42:13] Continue.

Dan McCoy

[42:14] Based on a recommendation by a fellow podcaster and quintessential Mac nerd, John Syracuse.

[42:19] I have listened through the entire Flophouse archive over the past few months.

[42:25] One hundred and seventy-two episodes later.

[42:27] I don't know if you can date this email.

[42:30] I have come to one...

[42:31] Why would you date an email?

Elliott Kalan

[42:32] Go on a date with a human.

[42:34] I've come to...

[42:35] Weirdo.

[42:35] At least get one of those Japanese body pillows that has a character written drawn on.

[42:38] One inevitable...

Stuart Wellington

[42:39] They could be named email.

[42:40] That sounds appropriate for a robot body pillow.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] That's true, I guess.

[42:46] Maybe the person's named Emil.

[42:47] In which case, I apologize.

[42:49] Date someone named Emil.

[42:50] Unless it's Emil Blonsky, the Hulk villain, the abomination.

[42:53] You should date Emil Hirsch.

[42:55] I'll ask him his name.

Dan McCoy

[42:57] Emil.

[42:58] Emil?

[42:59] That's from North Carolina Northwest.

[43:02] I've come to one inevitable conclusion.

[43:05] Elliot Kalin is history's greatest monster.

[43:07] Here are the six reasons why.

[43:09] Take issue with that.

[43:09] Number one, that song he just sang.

[43:11] Did you hear that shit?

[43:12] He did not sing a song.

[43:13] Oh, inaccurate letter.

[43:15] Outboxed you.

[43:16] Five reasons I'm history's greatest monster.

[43:19] Thank you very much.

[43:20] Shipping away.

[43:21] Number two.

[43:22] Despite a tempestuous teenage romance that continues to this day,

[43:25] not once has he brought Anne Hathaway on as a guest.

[43:29] That's a good point.

[43:30] Number three.

[43:30] That's a terrible point.

[43:31] And then the celebrities you do manage to get on,

[43:33] he disappears for.

[43:35] Why he thinks it's okay to blow off cinema legend Sylvester Stallone is beyond me.

[43:39] Number four.

Elliott Kalan

[43:41] Yeah, I was wondering too why Elliot doesn't stick around when I'm here.

[43:45] I just passed him in the stairway on the way up.

[43:47] It's me, Sylvester Stallone.

[43:49] I thought I might play with my punk band in your club here.

[43:51] We call ourselves the Stallones.

[43:53] This is Joey Stallone, Johnny Stallone.

[43:56] I'm Dee Dee Stallone.

[43:57] I'm really Sylvester Stallone.

[43:58] Anyway, and that's Tommy Stallone.

[44:00] We'll replace some of them over time.

Stuart Wellington

[44:02] Hey, Sly, it's me, Frank Stallone.

[44:04] Why can't I be in the band?

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] You wouldn't get your hair cut in the required bowl cut.

[44:09] Hey, Sylvester.

[44:10] Anyway, now it's my song, I Don't Want to Win This Time.

[44:12] One, two, three, four.

Dan McCoy

[44:14] I heard you saying in the film, Rhinestone.

[44:16] I don't think you're right for us.

Elliott Kalan

[44:18] Rhin-Stalone.

[44:19] Yeah, that was the movie.

[44:20] Yeah.

[44:21] In which I play the Rhine River.

[44:24] I tell you, it was one of the harder acting parts for me because it's hard for a person

[44:29] to play a river.

[44:30] I'm not made of water.

[44:31] I mean, the human body is 80% water or something like that.

[44:35] I'm not a scientist except I was a scientist in the Spy Kids 3D movie.

[44:39] But that's besides the point.

[44:40] Neither here nor there.

[44:41] And I was the product of cloning science in Judge Dredd.

[44:44] But again, neither here nor there.

[44:45] The point is, it's hard to play a river unless you're playing Rivers Cuomo, as I am in my

[44:49] new movie, Weezer, the action movie.

[44:54] Okay, well.

[44:55] I'm back, guys.

[44:57] Yeah.

[44:57] I passed Sylvester Stallone on the stairway.

[44:59] You are a monster.

Stuart Wellington

[45:00] Did he talk to you about Ryan Stallone, the movie where he plays the Rheingold?

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] Yeah, yeah.

[45:05] Something like that.

[45:06] He plays rolled gold pretzels.

[45:08] Number four.

[45:09] It's about the making of those Jason Alexander rolled gold pretzels commercials.

Dan McCoy

[45:13] Reason number four.

[45:14] Kalen.

[45:15] Khan.

[45:17] Khan.

[45:18] Clearly his name is a shoddy attempt to disguise his relationship to previous incumbent.

[45:24] Genghis Khan.

[45:25] Incumbent.

[45:26] I think you don't understand what that word means.

Elliott Kalan

[45:28] The joke's on you.

[45:30] I'm not disguising my relationship to Genghis Khan.

[45:33] My family was disguising its Jewishness by changing the name from Kaplan.

[45:37] Joke's on you.

[45:38] Again, four reasons.

[45:39] Reason for that one.

[45:40] I'm chipping away.

[45:42] Although, there is a possibility that we have some Mongol blood.

[45:45] So, okay, could be related to Genghis Khan.

[45:47] Much like the villain in the shadow.

[45:49] You're a pretty good falconer.

[45:51] Yeah.

[45:51] And I did lead my golden horde all the way almost to Venice in my conquering of Eastern Europe.

[45:58] Number five.

[45:58] His obvious contempt for his...

[46:00] No, Vienna.

Dan McCoy

[46:01] His obvious contempt for his thoroughly charming and impressively knowledgeable brother, David Kalen.

[46:06] I love that guy.

[46:07] Does he have opinions about movies?

[46:08] So, did David write this letter?

[46:10] Number six.

[46:11] Finally, despite a tempestuous teenage romance that continues to this day, not once has he brought Anne Hathaway on as a guest.

[46:17] There can't be two reasons.

[46:18] I know I said that already, but it really is the worst.

[46:21] All I can say is kudos to Dan for channeling Elliot's evil genius into a bad movie podcast instead of his natural home.

[46:29] The subjugation of humanity.

[46:31] Yours, Neil.

[46:32] Last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[46:33] It has been said, if you want to imagine Elliot Kalen, just think of a human face being stomped on by a boot for all eternity.

[46:40] Yeah.

[46:41] That boot, a Doc Martin, because I'm totally punk.

Stuart Wellington

[46:44] So, when Anne Hathaway comes on is, can we talk about Catwoman or do we have to stick with like Brokeback Mountain and stuff?

Elliott Kalan

[46:50] I think we'll probably have to talk about...

[46:53] Can we talk about Havoc?

[46:54] Princess Diaries?

[46:54] Yeah, Havoc.

Dan McCoy

[46:55] Yeah, that's what I want to talk about.

[46:57] Because she has nudity in it.

[46:58] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] Not sex and other drugs?

[47:01] Yeah, that's another good one.

[47:02] And Brokeback Mountain.

[47:03] Do you only want to talk about movies she was nudity?

Dan McCoy

[47:05] She's an attractive lady.

[47:08] Okay, I mean that's...

[47:10] I'm not saying she's not.

[47:11] I don't know what your problem is.

[47:12] I'd say we could talk about other movies with her.

[47:14] Yeah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[47:16] Was she in Red Eye?

[47:18] Did she stab that guy in his red eye?

Dan McCoy

[47:19] That's Rachel McAdams.

[47:21] Okay.

[47:21] She's also a delight.

Stuart Wellington

[47:22] Can I talk to her about the red eye though?

[47:24] I don't get it.

Dan McCoy

[47:26] You're like, is Gillian Murphy a monster?

[47:29] Because the trailer made it seem like he was a monster.

[47:32] He's like a cyborg.

[47:33] Isn't he some kind of monster?

[47:35] But in the movie, he's just like a dude.

[47:39] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] His name looks like it should be pronounced Cillian.

[47:43] Isn't that weird?

[47:44] It's me, Seabiscuit.

[47:45] I don't understand your movie.

[47:46] You're even doing a bad impression of your impression of Seabiscuit.

[47:50] This is the worst impressions we've ever done.

[47:53] By far my worst Stallone earlier.

[47:55] I mean, I wasn't here for it, but...

[47:57] Yeah, what are you talking about?

[47:59] Yeah, you did that off camera?

Stuart Wellington

[48:00] Or Mike?

[48:01] Mike?

[48:02] Yeah, yeah.

[48:03] Mike wasn't here.

[48:03] Just rewind this into Leo.

Dan McCoy

[48:05] So, this next letter goes like this.

[48:08] I just wanted to thank you guys for your episode on the Oogie Loves.

[48:12] If you had never featured it on your podcast, I would have never known it existed.

[48:16] Did it say at the top, read sarcastic?

[48:18] Well, there's certain words to capitalize.

[48:21] So, it's like an old comic book, I see.

[48:23] So, it would never have caught my eye on Netflix as something to entertain my two-year-old daughter while I was cooking dinner.

[48:29] Thanks to that one faithful viewing, she requested it daily for a week.

[48:33] I often find her dancing and repeating lyrics from the songs, and although she doesn't quite know how to pronounce her own name yet, she can clearly articulate, goofy-toofy, pull up your pants.

[48:44] Thank you again for your part in bringing this fun into our lives.

[48:48] Daddy, family name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[48:50] Now, I don't know how anyone could have taken our coverage of the Oogie Loves as an endorsement of it for child viewing.

Dan McCoy

[48:56] Rather than a descent into madness, which it was.

Elliott Kalan

[48:59] I believe I screamed the name of the movie out in pain and anguish at the end.

[49:05] Yeah.

[49:06] That's his misreading of history.

[49:08] That guy is history's greatest monster.

[49:10] Look at yourself.

Dan McCoy

[49:12] Look within yourself.

[49:13] Look without yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] Look around yourself.

[49:15] Down inside, there's a kid that wants to watch Oogie Loves, and you should tell that kid to stop.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] I was not.

[49:20] Okay.

[49:21] There's a child inside you that's an Oogie that just wants to be loved.

[49:24] You have to shoot that child.

[49:26] Whoa.

[49:26] But who could kill a child?

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] Only Zeus, god of the Greeks.

Dan McCoy

[49:31] Killed a lot of children, yeah.

[49:34] So I guess this has been a lesson in Greek mythology for you.

[49:37] Mm-hmm.

[49:38] Unfortunate Oogie Loves parent.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] Yeah, the Greek god Oogie Loves.

[49:42] He was the Greek god of irritating songs and pants falling down.

[49:46] And juice boxes.

[49:48] No, that was the Roman god Capricin.

[49:53] The Roman god of juice boxes and bags.

[49:56] If you could puncture it with a straw and then suck juice out of it, he was your man.

[49:59] He will come to you in a golden shower.

Dan McCoy

[50:04] So here's another letter.

[50:06] It goes like this.

[50:07] Great segue.

[50:08] Dear Mr.

[50:09] Masterful.

[50:10] Dear Mr. Kalen.

[50:11] Seamless.

Elliott Kalan

[50:14] Did I just order dinner on you?

[50:15] Because that was seamless.

Dan McCoy

[50:19] Remember that time three or four years ago when you said Delaware wasn't a very good state?

[50:23] Fuck you.

[50:24] I clearly don't remember.

[50:25] That is all.

[50:26] Sincerely, the state of last name withheld.

[50:27] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] Okay.

[50:29] That was...

[50:29] That has been a rivalry that's been building for a long time.

[50:32] Yeah.

[50:33] Delaware has given us a lot of great things.

[50:35] Like, uh...

[50:37] Oh, boy.

Dan McCoy

[50:39] That joke in Wayne's World about how boring Delaware is.

[50:42] There you go.

[50:42] Yeah.

[50:42] Thanks, Delaware.

Stuart Wellington

[50:43] They have a lack of sales tax there.

[50:45] Is Della Reese from Delaware?

[50:47] You can go make big purchases.

Dan McCoy

[50:49] What about Della Duck?

[50:51] What?

[50:52] What about Delicatessen?

[50:56] So...

[50:56] What is Della Duck?

[50:58] Della Duck is...

[51:00] Is that like Dial-a-Duck?

[51:02] Was that some kind of artificial plastic?

[51:03] Della Duck was the mother of Huey, Duane, and Louie.

Elliott Kalan

[51:07] Really?

[51:07] I thought...

[51:07] Wait.

[51:08] But I thought...

[51:09] Hold on a second.

[51:09] I thought that Donald made them in a lab.

Dan McCoy

[51:12] No.

[51:12] It's Uncle Donald.

[51:14] Gyro Giro should have made him.

[51:16] He's the scientist.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] Wait a minute.

[51:18] I figured it out.

[51:18] Della is Donald's sister.

[51:19] Scrooge, in a bid for immortality, has Gyro make him three clones of himself as his...

Dan McCoy

[51:25] Three clones in a fountain.

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] Which one will the fountain pick?

[51:31] And he eventually plans to see which one will survive and be the strongest, and he'll place

[51:35] his brain in that duck's body.

Dan McCoy

[51:37] Sure.

[51:38] Mm-hmm.

[51:40] Is this done?

[51:41] What?

[51:42] Is this nonsense?

[51:43] Is it done?

[51:43] No.

[51:44] It's nonsense.

[51:45] And yes, it's done.

[51:46] Okay.

[51:47] So, last letter of the evening.

[51:49] Della Duck.

[51:50] A follow-up.

[51:52] To you dear, firm, succulent peaches...

[51:54] Dan, how was Scrooge related to the ducks?

[51:57] Well, that was Donald's uncle.

[51:59] So, what...

[52:00] So, what...

[52:00] There's a lot of uncle in the duck family.

[52:04] There's not a lot of...

[52:06] Parents.

[52:06] Yeah.

[52:07] Parent-to-child relationships are strained, but uncle relationships are very close.

[52:11] Dan, in duck culture, are children given to their uncles to be raised?

[52:15] I mean, there's also...

[52:17] I mean, Grandma Duck seems to be a fond figure.

[52:21] Magicka Dispel?

[52:22] Now...

[52:22] Magicka Dispel is not related to the ducks.

[52:24] Now, she and Scrooge were fucking, right?

[52:26] No.

[52:26] Now, the last name Glomgold...

[52:27] I mean, probably hate fucking, yes.

Stuart Wellington

[52:28] Is the last name Glomgold a reference to his, like, old-timey medieval career?

[52:34] Or is he just lucky that he seems to glom onto gold?

Dan McCoy

[52:37] I think it's a pretty obvious name.

[52:38] Now, Dan, is it racist that all the criminals were presented as dogs?

[52:43] I mean, also, all humanoid characters in those comics were also presented as dogs.

[52:47] So, I think it just says that one segment of society is a criminal segment.

[52:54] As is with humans.

Stuart Wellington

[52:56] Was that Hydro Dog, was he also a criminal?

Dan McCoy

[53:01] I don't know what you're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[53:02] It's the same shit, right?

[53:04] Well, Launchpad McQuack was in both, so yeah.

[53:06] But that was a Darkwing Duck villain.

Dan McCoy

[53:08] I mean, Goofy is also a dog-like character.

Stuart Wellington

[53:11] Now, Launchpad McQuack has a really big chin.

[53:14] Can ducks have chins?

Dan McCoy

[53:16] Is Jay Leno Launchpad McQuack?

[53:18] Yes.

[53:19] And he's Max Knight.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] Yeah, the last one is so versatile.

Dan McCoy

[53:23] You've never seen them in the same place at the same time.

[53:25] That's very true.

[53:26] You ever wondered why?

[53:27] That's why.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] I wonder if that was a rule that any time you never saw two people in the same place at the same time...

[53:30] And Robert Zadar is also the same guy.

[53:32] Oh, rest in peace.

[53:33] They must be the same person.

[53:35] It's like, hmm.

[53:37] I've never seen Bill Clinton and CeeLo in the same room at the same time.

[53:44] Yeah.

[53:45] I've never seen Stuart and Daryl Hannah in the same room at the same time.

[53:50] You haven't?

Stuart Wellington

[53:50] We hang out all the time.

[53:52] Oh, really?

[53:52] Yeah, we're really into karate kickboxing.

[53:56] I didn't know that.

[53:57] We're into karate kid.

[53:58] Just watching it.

[53:59] The original, the remake, we don't care.

[54:01] We're just watching together.

[54:02] It's just a great story.

[54:03] The next karate kid.

[54:04] It's timeless.

[54:05] Mm-hmm.

[54:07] Oh, I thought you said Daryl Hammond.

[54:09] Yeah, I am Daryl Hannah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:12] So you were dancing at the Blue Oglana?

Stuart Wellington

[54:15] Yeah, that was me.

[54:16] But let's get back to...

[54:17] Hey, man.

[54:18] I hang out with Daryl Hammond.

[54:19] Nice button splash.

[54:22] Thanks?

[54:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:23] So, button splash.

[54:25] Thanks for making it creepy.

[54:26] Button splash.

[54:27] That's the movie about a button that falls into some water.

[54:31] I'm a...

[54:32] We all know that I'm a buttcyclopedia.

Elliott Kalan

[54:34] And yet, you didn't want to watch the movie Cowboy, Cowbutt, Guybutt when it was available

[54:39] to us.

[54:40] So...

[54:40] So your website is called Buttcyclopedia?

[54:42] Yeah.

[54:43] So there's a letter, huh?

[54:44] This last letter.

[54:45] That was a lot of nonsense.

[54:47] I have more DuckTales questions, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[54:49] Oh, I can answer them, but we should probably get to the next one.

[54:52] To the letter.

[54:53] This letter goes...

[54:55] Dan, what's a duck blur?

[54:58] It's just when ducks are moving fast.

[55:00] Okay.

[55:00] Seems self-evident to me.

[55:03] To Dear Firm Succulent Peaches, I am the Tracy last name withheld who was recently proposed

[55:08] to on your show.

[55:10] Tracy Lords?

[55:11] I was actually at work listening to the podcast.

[55:14] Not of this world.

[55:15] On my lunch break.

[55:16] The letter came on, and at first I just thought it was witty.

[55:19] But when I heard Dan pronounce my name in that adorable lilt of his, I sat up straight.

[55:25] Smash cut to my only half hearing the rest of the letter between fits of crying laughter

[55:29] and my own impression of Stuart's...

[55:32] Wait, what?

[55:33] Come on.

[55:34] Over and over.

[55:35] The letter was only the start of the proposal.

[55:37] There was a kitten bearing my ring.

[55:39] That's adorable.

[55:40] A dress and a serenade for my husband to be backed by a mariachi band.

[55:44] Wow.

[55:44] It was the greatest night of my life.

[55:46] He proposed to you in a sitcom?

[55:47] Yeah, this guy is really setting a bar.

[55:50] I literally just took my wife to a nice place and asked her.

[55:53] I am thrilled that the Flophouse podcast was a key part of it.

[55:56] Thank you all so much, Dan, for your beautiful execution of the letter.

[55:59] Elliot, the Emmy Award winning writing for saying how good the letter was.

[56:04] This was a sort of an absolute thrill for Cohen.

[56:06] I mean, we're both Emmy Award winners at this point.

[56:08] I have three times as many as you.

[56:09] Yeah.

[56:10] And Stuart, for that adorable and excited squeal in the background,

[56:14] if you find yourselves in Australia, you're all invited to the wedding.

[56:19] XXX, a kiss for each of you, Tracy.

[56:21] P.S., we watched Mordecai since it's part of our canon now.

[56:24] Good Lord.

[56:25] I wanted to watch Contagion or Country Strong to get a taste out of my mouth afterwards.

[56:29] At least Gwyneth Paltrow's characters bite it in those movies.

[56:32] P.P.S., I just ordered a couple of Flophouse t-shirts.

[56:36] Not wedding attire per se, but honeymoon outfits definitely.

[56:40] Well, I mean honeymoon outfits, that's where the action happens.

[56:43] She's suggesting we do a...

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] Dan is already thinking of you just wearing the shirt and nothing else.

Stuart Wellington

[56:47] We should do an Australia live show, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[56:52] Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

[56:54] The Flophouse Down Under.

[56:55] I mean, look, if Australia...

[56:57] We could meet that Kangaroo Jack.

Dan McCoy

[56:59] Finally.

[57:00] We could meet that Quigley.

Elliott Kalan

[57:02] I just don't want to get...

[57:03] Who lives down there.

[57:03] I don't want to get eaten by a crocodile Dundee.

Stuart Wellington

[57:05] And Alan Rickman.

[57:07] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[57:07] One of those Yahoo series.

[57:09] Alan Rickman.

Stuart Wellington

[57:10] He's in Quigley Down Under, right?

Elliott Kalan

[57:12] No.

[57:12] He meant that he's Australian, which he's not.

Dan McCoy

[57:15] Yeah.

[57:16] We can meet the young version of Einstein.

[57:19] Yep.

[57:19] Of course, when he got older, he moved to Austria.

[57:23] Austria?

[57:24] Germany?

[57:25] I don't know anything about Einstein.

[57:27] E equals embassy squared.

[57:28] Am I right, people?

[57:29] This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] That was Einstein's stand-up career.

[57:32] E equals...

[57:33] I don't know if you can do crowd work on a podcast.

[57:35] Energy equals the mass times the square of the speed of light.

[57:36] Am I right, people?

[57:38] I'm right.

[57:38] It'll be proved in a couple years.

Dan McCoy

[57:40] The ladies in the audience know what I'm talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[57:41] Hey, look.

[57:42] If I'm traveling on the front of a light beam, what am I going to see?

Dan McCoy

[57:47] I mean, what is this?

[57:48] Yeah, speaking of Yahoo series...

[57:50] Did you ever notice how...

[57:50] Tracy, please explain Yahoo series to us.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] Did you ever notice how if you're on a train platform and someone else is on a train,

[57:56] your experience of light is different?

[57:58] What's that all about?

[57:59] I'm Albert Einstein, everybody.

[58:01] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[58:03] Wow, he did that pre-encore.

[58:05] I figured that'd be his best material.

Elliott Kalan

[58:07] Well, he's just starting out.

[58:07] He hasn't become a star yet.

[58:09] Yeah.

[58:09] Thank you very much for writing in.

[58:10] We're so happy to hear that you said yes, and that we could be a part of this magic moment.

[58:15] To the dress.

[58:16] You know, I'm not...

[58:16] Or should I say, this magic moment...

[58:19] There's that singing you were complaining about.

[58:21] When your flop is close to mine, we'll last for Flophouse.

[58:25] No.

Dan McCoy

[58:25] Sweeter than Flops.

[58:27] We're so close to the end, but you've still sent Stuart out for another beer.

Elliott Kalan

[58:31] That's what happens.

[58:32] Stuart, I'm done singing.

[58:34] Wait, what?

[58:34] But we're very excited, and maybe...

[58:36] You know what?

[58:36] Maybe we will try to make it down to Australia for this wedding.

[58:38] We won't make it.

[58:40] I mean, who knows?

[58:41] I mean, I'd love to do a show in Australia if we could somehow cover the cost of even getting there.

Dan McCoy

[58:46] Look, if we got a wedding to go to, I mean, and we get a date, you know, if we get a date...

[58:50] Wait, you have a...

[58:51] That we can target...

[58:52] You're married, dude.

[58:53] You don't need a date.

[58:54] Yeah, your date's gonna be your wife.

[58:55] If we have a time...

[58:56] If we have a time that we can shoot for...

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] Of course, time.

[59:00] Time and space are bent by gravity, of course!

[59:05] It makes so much sense!

[59:06] That's my new closer!

[59:07] That's Albert Einstein.

[59:09] Mm-hmm.

[59:10] Good stuff.

Dan McCoy

[59:11] So now...

Stuart Wellington

[59:13] What's that, your favorite B-52s album?

Elliott Kalan

[59:15] What if...

[59:16] What if...

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] Yeah?

[59:17] What if God...

[59:18] That was the first tape I bought, actually.

[59:19] Good stuff.

[59:20] What if God didn't play dice with the universe?

[59:24] I think I'm onto something.

[59:25] What was your first tape that you bought?

Stuart Wellington

[59:27] Good stuff by the B-52s.

[59:29] Okay.

[59:29] Mine was Pills, Thrills, and Belly Aches by the Happy Meow Days.

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] Mine might have been Elastica's first album.

Dan McCoy

[59:36] So that's the best choice of all three of us, I can say.

[59:40] Yeah, but I felt really ashamed of...

[59:41] I love that album.

Elliott Kalan

[59:42] But I feel ashamed of how ashamed I was at the time of liking a band that was almost all

[59:47] girls and the name was in pink on the front.

[59:50] It wasn't in pink.

[59:51] Maybe it wasn't the tape.

[59:53] I mean, just the name Elastica was in pink on the front of the tape cover.

[59:57] If I'm remembering...

[59:58] Anyway...

Dan McCoy

[59:59] The CD, I remember, was white.

[1:00:01] But that's a great album.

[1:00:03] That's us remembering tapes and CDs.

[1:00:05] I don't care if they ripped off a bunch of stuff from Wire.

[1:00:07] It's a great album.

[1:00:08] Everyone go out and listen to the first Elastica album.

[1:00:11] I never heard the second album.

[1:00:11] And nothing else by then.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:12] And this first CD I ever bought was Savvy Showstoppers by Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet

[1:00:17] because it had the kids on the hall theme on it.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:19] Another surprisingly hip choice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:22] Look, I just know what I like.

[1:00:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:25] Stuart, do you know what you like?

[1:00:27] I have no idea.

[1:00:28] Can you show me?

[1:00:31] I want to know what love is.

[1:00:33] Rock of Ages.

[1:00:34] Anyway, so what do we do now?

[1:00:35] I want Stu to show me.

[1:00:38] No, it's the other way around.

[1:00:41] Stu wants you to show, Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:46] Fucking caveman.

[1:00:48] Stu wants you to show, Stu.

[1:00:54] Stu wants to feel what love is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] Well, cavemen did invent rock music.

[1:01:00] Dan, what do we do next on this stupid podcast for jerks and idiots?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:04] And we're the biggest jerks and idiots of all.

[1:01:07] This is the part of the podcast where we recommend movies that we like.

[1:01:14] Why don't we go?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:15] Because I don't think I've seen a movie in a long time.

[1:01:17] What's a movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:18] He hasn't been on a plane.

[1:01:21] I saw a kinescope I really liked.

[1:01:24] So I'm going to, since we talked a little bit about people striving for fame, I'm going to recommend a little movie that's available on Netflix called Starry Eyes.

[1:01:37] Starry Eyes is a horror movie for all you horror hounds and gore fiends in the audience.

[1:01:43] I know there's a few of you.

[1:01:46] It's pretty straightforward.

[1:01:48] It's a young aspiring actress who is played a little bit extra crazy.

[1:01:56] And she gets offered a role, but it comes with some downsides because it's being offered by basically the devil.

[1:02:09] And she, I'm not going to, I won't spoil too much, but it's, there's some really great stuff.

[1:02:15] The, some of the friendships and relationships between the, like this circle of aspiring actors and filmmakers starts off as being a little bit cloying and then slowly becomes a little bit more.

[1:02:27] It seems a little deeper and is, is played pretty well.

[1:02:31] And then when things actually start getting terrible, I feel like all the actors reactions are much more interesting than I would expect in a movie.

[1:02:41] And, uh, and it gets super gory and awesome.

[1:02:44] So check it out.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:46] Uh, here's what I've come up with on the fly, which is I recommend, uh, four star recommendation from Dan McCoy.

[1:02:54] No, no, I know.

[1:02:55] This is a movie that I genuinely love.

[1:02:56] Although I have a tar.

[1:02:57] You guys see it yet?

[1:02:58] I have not.

[1:02:59] This is a movie I love.

[1:03:00] I haven't seen it in a while.

[1:03:01] I have the Blu-ray.

[1:03:02] I have not had a chance to, to watch it since I got it.

[1:03:06] However, I, it's a movie that I love.

[1:03:08] And it's called Screwballs.

[1:03:10] It's called.

[1:03:10] It's on Blu-ray?

[1:03:11] It's called Stagecoach.

[1:03:13] Oh, that is a great movie.

[1:03:14] By John Ford.

[1:03:16] Uh, it's up there in the, in the top tier of my favorite John Ford movies.

[1:03:20] John Ford and Nunnally Johnson.

[1:03:21] Along with things like The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance and My Darling Clementine.

[1:03:25] And She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.

[1:03:27] Like, it is, it's a great movie.

[1:03:29] And it occurred to me to recommend, just because I know that, uh, George Miller, uh, director

[1:03:36] of much beloved Mad Max Fury Road.

[1:03:39] Babe, pig in the city.

[1:03:40] Has cited it as an influence in his, uh, chase films.

[1:03:45] Hmm.

[1:03:45] Uh, so if you have not seen Stagecoach, it is perhaps the er, John Wayne, uh, Western.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:54] Oh, very much so.

[1:03:55] I mean, he had made Westerns before then, but this is the one that made him the, like,

[1:03:59] the Western star.

[1:04:01] If you want to see a chase with the stagecoach, the movie you want to see is Stagecoach.

[1:04:05] It's a great, it's a movie that holds up really well just as a fun movie to watch and a great

[1:04:10] movie.

[1:04:10] Although, the one that doesn't hold up well is how many Native Americans they shoot to death

[1:04:14] at the end.

[1:04:14] But, uh, hey, they're under attack, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:16] Yeah, I mean, if you, you just gotta, it's one of these things where you have to just go

[1:04:19] with the movie and accept, okay, the Native Americans are the bad guys in this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:23] Well, but even they're, they're like, more of a-

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:24] It's like Assault on Precinct 13, where you have to assume those LA gang members are basically

[1:04:29] zombies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] Right.

[1:04:30] Well, and the Native Americans here are treated, if anything, just like this natural force that

[1:04:35] exists.

[1:04:36] And, like, it's, they're not, like, they're not vilified the way they would be in other

[1:04:40] movies.

[1:04:40] They're still the bad guys, I guess.

[1:04:41] But, uh, that's a really great movie.

[1:04:43] So, yeah, I didn't realize that Stagecoach had such an influence on George Miller, because

[1:04:46] the story about Orson Welles was that when he was preparing to make Susan Cain, he watched

[1:04:50] Stagecoach over and over again to kind of learn how a movie is put together.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:54] I mean, if you just want a movie that is totally artful, but also fun, that's, that's, that's

[1:05:01] near the top.

[1:05:02] Uh, Elliot, what were we gonna-

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:04] I'm gonna recommend a movie I saw recently that, so CBGB didn't really capture what I

[1:05:08] think of as punk.

[1:05:10] Here's a movie that I think-

[1:05:11] It's called Shrek.

[1:05:15] It's called Ice Age, Age of the Dinosaurs, uh, or whatever that thing was called.

[1:05:20] So, there's a movie I saw recently, a Japanese movie, that I felt captured the kind of nihilism

[1:05:26] and, uh, just, like, un- unthinking aggression of punk a lot better, which is weird since

[1:05:33] it predates punk by about 15 years.

[1:05:37] It's a movie called The Warped Ones, uh, directed by Koryoshi Kurahara, and it's one of

[1:05:43] these movies that's like, when Japan would take a, a foreign, like, an American film genre

[1:05:49] and do their version of it, and it would come out much more extreme and intense.

[1:05:53] So, it's their version of, like, a juvenile delinquents with no, with no, uh, direction

[1:05:58] on the loose movie.

[1:06:00] These two guys come out of jail who are borderline sociopaths, uh, but they're young people who

[1:06:07] are looking for something in their life.

[1:06:09] One of them joins a gang and starts a relationship with a prostitute.

[1:06:13] The other one is just aimless, and the only thing that has any meaning for him is jazz

[1:06:17] music.

[1:06:18] And he's obsessed with jazz, and otherwise, he's just kind of, like, ruining other people's

[1:06:24] lives and attacking people.

[1:06:25] He performs a pretty horrifying crime on a, on a woman, and she haunts him to try to get

[1:06:31] him to fix things in this kind of twisted sense of justice.

[1:06:35] It's a strange and unsettling movie in a lot of ways, and it's shot really cool.

[1:06:41] There's a lot of this very crisp, black-and-white handheld camera work and things like that.

[1:06:46] Uh, but it's, there's just this sense of, like, youth clawing at itself because it can't

[1:06:52] see a real way to the things it wants in life and doesn't even know what it wants out of

[1:06:57] life, and driven by the energy that they feel in this music that the mainstream of people

[1:07:03] around them see as degenerate in some way.

[1:07:06] And here it happens to be jazz.

[1:07:08] And there's a lot of scenes where, or a couple of scenes where, kind of, like, really smooth,

[1:07:12] light jazz is playing in places, and the main character's like, that's not jazz!

[1:07:16] That's not jazz!

[1:07:17] And gets really mad about it.

[1:07:19] So I felt, if anything, this more than this...

[1:07:20] Were they sex scenes?

[1:07:22] Uh, no.

[1:07:23] Because that's when you play light jazz.

[1:07:24] That's when it's appropriate to have just a lot of smooth sax for the sex.

[1:07:29] That's why it's called the sexophone.

[1:07:31] Really?

[1:07:31] I didn't know that.

[1:07:32] Yeah, it's an instrument that was invented by, I think, Dr. Goldfoot, inventor of the bikini

[1:07:36] machine, and, uh...

[1:07:37] Dr. Goldfoot and his bikini machine.

[1:07:40] And the girl bomb.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:40] Dr. Goldfoot and his bikini machine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:44] There was a, there was a, uh, I think, uh, recently, this is not really the movies at

[1:07:48] all, Alan Moore won me back with his, uh, third, uh, Captain Nemo book, the one where

[1:07:54] they go to South America to find the Nazis for cloning Hitler.

[1:07:57] And when it's, when one of the Nazi scientists in it is Dr. Goldfoot, the Vincent Price character.

[1:08:03] Have you seen this one, Stuart?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:04] I don't think I've found this one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:05] Oh, it's good.

[1:08:06] It's a good one.

[1:08:07] Oh, boy.

[1:08:07] Uh, and, uh, but anyway, the warped ones.

[1:08:10] More punk than CBGB.

[1:08:12] Wow.

[1:08:13] Pre-existing punk.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:16] So.

[1:08:16] Man, we got through it.

[1:08:18] Three great tastes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:20] Tons of impressions.

[1:08:21] They go great together.

[1:08:22] Great impressions.

[1:08:23] We're kind of like a group of rich littles.

[1:08:25] Yep.

[1:08:26] Can I be Michael Winslow?

[1:08:27] Eer, eer, I'm a rocking chair.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:31] And I'm a cop.

[1:08:32] I wish Michael Winslow...

[1:08:33] Wait, hold on.

[1:08:35] Hold on.

[1:08:36] He's a rocking chair who's also a cop?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:08:39] He's a rocking cop.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:40] That was what cop rock was about, I see.

[1:08:42] When his cops are rocking, don't come a-knockin'.

[1:08:44] Crime shouldn't come a-knockin'.

[1:08:47] He sounded kind of like a rocking chair and kind of like...

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:49] Caw, caw, caw!

[1:08:50] I'm a cop and a bird.

[1:08:52] It's me, Michael Winslow.

[1:08:52] I wish Michael Winslow had, one, announced himself by name.

[1:08:57] Not his name, his character, but also had said what his sounds were at the end of it.

[1:09:03] I don't even know how to do his name.

[1:09:04] I'm a race car.

[1:09:06] I'll be the fast-talking guy from the Micro Machines commercials.

[1:09:11] It's not an imitation.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:13] I've forgotten how this worked.

[1:09:14] Why don't you sign off?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:16] For the Flophouse, sleep tight, eat right.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:21] Don't let the bag bite.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] Don't let the Ed Begley Jr.'s bite.

[1:09:25] I've been Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:26] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:28] And coming up third, it's Stuart.

[1:09:31] Stuart Wellington.

[1:09:33] Good night, Terry.

[1:09:34] One.

[1:09:35] God bless.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:46] Sucking on one of them cold brews.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:51] Sucking on chili dogs.

[1:09:54] So, guys, yeah.

[1:09:56] So, Dan, what is he drinking?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:58] One of them Modellos.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:01] It was Moe's Velo.

[1:10:04] Moe's-a-lo.

[1:10:05] How was Doug Love's movies?

[1:10:07] Was there a setup like this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:08] No, it was on the stage at Irving Plaza.

[1:10:10] Oh, wow.

[1:10:11] Otherwise, the setup was not so different.

[1:10:13] It was a live show at Irving Plaza last night.

[1:10:14] It was a lot of fun.

[1:10:15] Yep.

[1:10:16] And...

[1:10:16] How did you do it?

[1:10:17] Was Irving there?

[1:10:18] Kathy's boyfriend?

[1:10:19] Washington Irving, who Irving Place is named after, was not there.

[1:10:23] He's been dead for about 200 years.

[1:10:25] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:26] Sorry, I didn't want you to find out this way.

Ep. #180 - CBGB

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