Ep. #183 - Left Behind

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we watched Left Behind.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] Is it about butts? I know that's what you like.

Dan McCoy

[0:06] Yeah, it's about the left butt cheek.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:37] It's about time. I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:40] Enough of these dudes. Welcome Elliot Kalin into your hearts.

Hallie Haglund

[0:44] And now, for the star, Hallie Haglund.

Dan McCoy

[0:48] Hold on a second.

[0:50] Swooping in with coup d'etat.

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] Not even an and featuring?

[0:55] No, just the star.

[0:56] Or and introducing?

[0:59] So Hallie, as the star of the show, what's different now that you're the star?

[1:03] I guess it's a lot of pressure on you, huh?

[1:05] Yeah, you're really carrying this thing.

Hallie Haglund

[1:06] I don't know. I think I'm the kind of star that you don't realize the storyline is really about at the beginning.

[1:12] And then all of a sudden, you're like, why does she keep catching my attention?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] I mean, usually the star, you know right away because you recognize them.

[1:19] It's like a Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy type situation where you know it's Colin Firth the whole time because all the other suspects.

[1:25] I thought that was Gary Oldman.

[1:27] Gary Oldman's in it.

[1:28] Gary Oldman.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] It's the quickest route.

[1:31] It's the sequel to Gary Unmarried.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] Gary Dying Alone is what it's called.

[1:37] Gary Oldman.

[1:39] Gary Oldman, look at your life.

[1:43] That's Neil Young's song, ironically.

[1:46] I'm a lot like it.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] So this is a podcast.

[1:51] I probably don't need to reiterate that part of it.

[1:53] Yeah.

[1:54] Where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:56] And now you listen to it.

[1:58] And we got a special guest for your ears.

[2:00] You'll never guess who it is.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02] It's me.

[2:03] The star of the show.

[2:05] Hallie Hagelund.

[2:06] Special guest.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] Star of the show.

[2:10] It's one of those shows like Blake's Seven or something where the star, in quotes, doesn't appear for most of the episodes.

Hallie Haglund

[2:18] Yeah.

[2:18] So I guess I'll leave.

[2:21] See you later.

[2:21] Gotta go.

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] Walk, walk, walk away.

[2:24] Walk away.

[2:25] Hallie walking in.

[2:25] Slam's giant vault door.

[2:27] Sound effects of hover boat.

[2:31] Just imagine what that sounds like.

Stuart Wellington

[2:32] Why does Hallie travel everywhere in a hover boat?

[2:35] Is that like a hover craft or is it a boat that also hovers?

[2:39] Hey, man.

[2:40] Is it like an enchanted pirate ship?

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] Yeah, it's like a flying Dutchman type thing that actually flies.

Hallie Haglund

[2:45] No, it's like what you travel through the Everglades with.

[2:48] Because I'm a bayou, babe.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] Yeah, it's a fan boat.

[2:51] That's why you're wearing cut off shorts.

[2:52] And have a big machete knife in your hand.

[2:55] And have a gator tooth necklace.

Hallie Haglund

[2:56] Yeah, have this gator around my neck.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] A little gator.

[3:00] That's a lot of teeth.

[3:02] A gator stole.

[3:04] It's so uncomfortable.

[3:05] So knobbly.

[3:07] Yeah, she flies around in that ship that Bowser has from Super Mario World.

[3:11] He has a ship?

[3:12] It's a flying pirate ship.

[3:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] Oh, okay.

[3:16] I thought it was the fan boat that Bayou Billy drove around in.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] That's a different boat.

[3:20] Bowser uses that when he's on vacation.

[3:23] So we settled that.

[3:24] That was the first order of business.

[3:26] So we know that Hallie's a bayou babe.

[3:28] Just hunting nutria to sell their pelts.

[3:30] Picking crawdads out of the water and just sucking them down.

[3:38] Raw.

[3:39] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[3:40] So this is the fourth most popular.

[3:43] A real swamp person.

[3:45] What?

[3:45] Fourth most popular.

Hallie Haglund

[3:45] I use snakes for toothpaste.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] What do you like?

[3:50] You like whip them out and they stay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] You freeze them?

[3:53] I thought you said toothpaste.

[3:55] What is it?

[3:56] Like you just put a snake on a toothbrush and rub it in your mouth?

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] And afterwards it's like, it's a living.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] And the snake is like, no, contrary to popular belief, I'm not slimy.

[4:05] My skin is quite dry.

[4:06] So use them as toothpicks.

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:10] Because that makes sense.

[4:14] A real beast of the southern wild, Hallie Haglund.

Dan McCoy

[4:17] I was going to say that this is the fourth most popular holiday on the Flophouse calendar.

[4:24] After what?

[4:24] Shocktober?

[4:25] Sure.

[4:25] Smallvember.

[4:26] Yeah.

[4:27] Cagemas.

[4:28] Cagemas.

[4:29] And now we got Cagemas in July.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] Is it technically a different holiday?

Dan McCoy

[4:34] Cagemas in July.

[4:35] One is about the shattery reflection of the other.

[4:37] The shattery reflection?

[4:39] Yep.

[4:40] Like it's a kind of mirror.

[4:41] Shattery men on a shattery planet.

[4:43] First CD ever bought.

[4:45] Yeah.

[4:46] So we watched a Nicolas Cage movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] Yeah.

[4:50] Left Behind.

[4:50] Now this is a remake of a Kirk Cameron movie.

[4:53] So that's where Nicolas Cage has sunk to.

[4:55] Or it's another adaptation of the same book.

[5:00] Okay.

[5:01] Still, a book that previously was adapted into a Kirk Cameron vehicle.

[5:04] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[5:05] And it's a Christian theme.

[5:07] This isn't exactly a new version of Dracula.

[5:09] No, no.

[5:10] I mean, I'm not saying this is a new production of Hamlet or something like that.

[5:13] I'm just saying the source material.

Elliott Kalan

[5:14] I'm glad you're not saying that because this would be a very off-text adaptation of Hamlet.

[5:18] I do not remember the scene in Hamlet where Laertes was raptured.

[5:21] Nor do I remember the scene where Hamlet had to land a plane with no word from the traffic control.

[5:27] Well, maybe Shakespeare can learn a little something about excitement.

Hallie Haglund

[5:31] Yeah, where do you think Uric went?

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] What?

[5:34] Uric acid comes out the bladder.

[5:37] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[5:38] I don't know.

[5:39] I mean, in the original text, there was a skull, right?

[5:42] Yeah, that's true.

[5:43] That's what I'm saying.

Hallie Haglund

[5:43] That's the guy who got raptured.

[5:45] Uric, right?

[5:45] Everything but the skull got Uric.

[5:48] I have an accent.

Elliott Kalan

[5:50] I'm a bayou babe with an accent.

[5:52] Now, imagine if a guy got raptured and left his skull behind.

[5:55] His head would be all soft and mushy in heaven.

[5:57] It would just be a brain inside of a skin set.

[5:59] He was wearing a skull hat.

[6:01] He was wearing a skull hat.

[6:04] It makes sense.

[6:05] So his hat is here, not his real skull.

[6:07] Yeah.

[6:08] So when Hamlet picks up that skull, he should say, alas, poor Uric, I knew his hat, Horatio.

Hallie Haglund

[6:13] This hat once had a tongue that could sing.

[6:15] Yeah, he was saying, I knew him well.

[6:17] This was his favorite hat.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] I rode the back of this hat often.

[6:22] So Jess came out of this hat.

[6:25] And his friend Horatio was like, Hamlet, you be crazy.

[6:33] Anyway, so left behind.

[6:34] Princes be crazy.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] So Dan, this is one of those religious movies.

[6:39] Yeah, it's religious.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] This has to do with that crazy religion that I'm not a part of.

Dan McCoy

[6:44] Yeah, mine.

[6:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] Except for.

[6:47] What's it called?

[6:48] Christianity?

[6:48] Is it somebody named Chris?

[6:50] Chris Angel.

[6:51] Yep, that's right.

[6:52] He's a mind freak.

[6:53] Angel forms so many miracles.

[6:55] And so saith the Lord unto the people, thy mind shall be freaked.

Dan McCoy

[6:59] He performed the miracle of the freaked mind and the miracle of the mind that was freaked.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] And so the Lord did make himself seen at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square for a long-running engagement.

Dan McCoy

[7:12] In thine theater space.

[7:14] I mean, Christianity, you know, there's a lot of different sects.

[7:18] There's a lot of different.

[7:19] Hello.

[7:20] Wow.

Hallie Haglund

[7:21] Yeah, how do you got so many of them?

Dan McCoy

[7:23] How do you got so many of them?

[7:27] How do you think?

[7:28] You're like, you sound like a kid in like an old 1950s commercial.

Hallie Haglund

[7:33] How do you got so many of them?

Dan McCoy

[7:35] Well, Howie.

[7:38] So this is, but this is an evangelical movie.

[7:40] Yeah, this is.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] They kind of, they took a lot of the evangelical out of this movie.

Dan McCoy

[7:44] Yeah.

[7:45] Well, I mean, as I said late in the movie, like this is the only movie where like the rapture is really a MacGuffin as a backdoor into land a plane thriller.

[7:55] But we'll get to that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:57] So should we start from the beginning?

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Yeah, let's, it's a very good place to start.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] Where a young college student.

[8:01] Movie explodes into your eyeballs.

Dan McCoy

[8:05] Smash cut to beginning of movie.

[8:07] Smash cut to the movie starts.

Elliott Kalan

[8:09] You buckle on your seatbelt.

[8:11] Okay.

[8:12] Opening credits.

[8:13] Names fly fast and furious at this movie.

[8:15] One of them is Nicolas Cage.

[8:16] Nicolas Cage.

[8:17] Hence, Cagemess in July.

[8:19] And let's just say this at the top.

[8:20] I'm going to just say this at the top before we get to the plot.

[8:22] Nicolas Cage, somewhat out of place in this relatively low budget religious movie.

[8:27] Yeah, because he's putting in a performance.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] Is it the best performance?

[8:31] No.

[8:32] But it's an actual actor's performance.

[8:32] It's certainly the best performance in the movie.

[8:34] Yeah, exactly.

Hallie Haglund

[8:35] I'm not sure of that.

Stuart Wellington

[8:37] The dude who played Herman's head did a pretty good job playing a pile of clothes.

Dan McCoy

[8:42] He played Herman.

[8:43] Herman's head.

[8:44] It took four different actors to play Herman's head.

[8:48] That's a very good point.

[8:49] Yeah, dude.

Hallie Haglund

[8:49] I think we're overlooking the dwarf standout performance.

Dan McCoy

[8:55] There is an angry dwarf in this film and he's pretty great.

[8:59] Don't look now.

[9:00] There's an angry dwarf.

Elliott Kalan

[9:01] Yeah, it ends with him stabbing Donald Sutherland to death.

[9:05] No, don't you want to do this?

[9:06] No.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] Yeah.

[9:08] He has an overrated sex scene with Julie Christie.

[9:11] Whoa!

[9:12] Overrated?

[9:12] Hot take.

[9:12] Wait, was someone telling you that it was super sexy?

[9:15] It is!

[9:16] Whenever you see one of those lists of the sexiest sex scenes.

[9:19] Donald Sutherland scene.

[9:20] The most realistic sex scene.

[9:22] Realistic, yeah.

[9:23] Yeah.

[9:23] Not sexy.

[9:24] I don't even think it's that realistic.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] What's realistic about it is that he then brushes his teeth naked afterwards,

[9:30] which is very realistic about being a couple.

Dan McCoy

[9:33] What's realistic about it is his pasty butt that is not...

[9:37] Whoa, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[9:38] He didn't get a stunt butt.

[9:39] Yeah.

[9:40] Wouldn't it have been weird if he took off his clothes and there were just close-ups of

[9:43] like this perfectly sculpted butt?

[9:45] Like a bodybuilder's butt?

[9:46] There's John Cena's butt in there.

[9:48] Which would be weird because he was moving.

[9:49] He smuggled a pumpkin onto set.

[9:51] He would have not existed at that time.

[9:53] So what's great about that scene is it was one of the first scenes I saw that showed

[10:01] kind of like casual sexuality and nudity between a...

[10:05] Yeah, exactly.

[10:06] Like a married couple being very casually just like nude, not in a sexual way around each

[10:11] other, which is something I had not seen in a movie before then.

[10:13] So Don't Look Now, I guess, is a way to look now.

Stuart Wellington

[10:14] So is this a peek into your day-to-day life where you're just goofing around naked?

Elliott Kalan

[10:19] I mean, pretty much, yeah.

[10:20] Running around.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] Winnie the Pooh and it up.

[10:22] They're omni.

Elliott Kalan

[10:23] He's a shirt.

[10:25] Yeah, but you got your undercarriage hanging out.

[10:26] I mean, to me, Sammy's naked a lot, but he's an 18-month-old kid.

Hallie Haglund

[10:30] I know, but I like imagining that you guys, too, are like, well, if that's the rule.

[10:34] When in baby Rome.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] When in boom.

[10:36] When in little Rome.

[10:37] This is a clothing optional house.

[10:38] Nothing in the rule book says I can't be naked.

Dan McCoy

[10:41] Turns out you're all nudists.

[10:42] Like we don't know about it.

[10:44] This isn't inappropriate until he's a little bit older.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Strip him off.

[10:49] No, we don't hang out in the nude, but he's certainly...

[10:52] Why?

[10:52] Are you ashamed of your body?

Hallie Haglund

[10:54] Oh, man.

[10:54] What do you teach him to show?

[10:55] Elliot, you have a beautiful body.

[10:57] You should never be ashamed.

Elliott Kalan

[10:58] You know what?

[10:59] You're right.

[10:59] Let me just show it off right now.

[11:00] No.

[11:01] Unbutton, unbutton, unzip.

[11:02] No, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[11:03] It's like Chip and Dale getting naked in front of me.

[11:05] Chip and Dale.

[11:07] Both of the rescue rangers.

[11:09] There's four rescue rangers.

[11:11] I'll be Monterey Jack.

Dan McCoy

[11:13] Oh, that little buzzy fly shit?

[11:16] There's the bug.

[11:17] There's Gadget, Monterey Jack, and I don't know, the bug.

[11:20] Whatever the fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] What has the bug ever done?

[11:23] I mean, Monterey Jack.

[11:24] Zipper was his name.

[11:24] To be honest, Monterey Jack is a bit of a stretch to call him a rescue ranger since all

[11:28] he doesn't get hypnotized by cheese and get floated around by his nose and get in the

[11:32] way and cause trouble.

[11:33] Gadget is holding that team together.

[11:35] Yeah, I know.

[11:35] She's the Penny of the group.

[11:37] Sure.

[11:38] We can all agree.

[11:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] So I'll be Monterey Jack.

[11:43] Okay.

[11:44] I'll be Gadget.

Elliott Kalan

[11:45] I'll be Naked Chip and Dale.

Stuart Wellington

[11:48] Dan will be that little shit bug you were talking about.

Hallie Haglund

[11:52] Penny had both an iPad and an iWatch before any of us.

Elliott Kalan

[11:57] That's true.

[11:57] Well, her dad was Steve Jobs.

Hallie Haglund

[12:02] Wait, so who is Inspector?

[12:03] So wait.

[12:03] What relationship?

[12:04] Who's her uncle?

[12:05] Gadget.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] Uncle Gadget.

[12:06] Gadget is Steve Jobs' brother, I guess.

[12:08] Yeah, Steve Jobs' original name was Steve Gadget, and he thought it was too on the nose.

[12:12] Yeah.

[12:12] So he said, well, I'm creating many jobs with my company.

[12:15] I'll be Steve Jobs.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] So his brother, like, must have gotten shot up in a RoboCop-style gangland shoot.

[12:22] That's exactly what it was.

[12:23] And Steve Jobs is like, I'll fix him.

[12:25] I'll make it better than ever.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] The official backstory of Inspector Gadget is that he was injured by slipping on a banana peel.

[12:30] Oh, really?

[12:30] That's canon.

Dan McCoy

[12:31] Oh.

[12:32] Canon Films.

[12:33] Golden Globus.

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] I like to think that Steve Jobs and Steve Gadget, but he wanted to move away from his klutzy family, and he was applying for a job.

[12:42] And they're like, so you say you want the job, huh?

[12:43] What's your name?

[12:44] My name's Steve Jobs.

Stuart Wellington

[12:48] Like, well, I like that name.

[12:50] That's the name of a winner.

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] Makes me think of a working man.

[12:53] I like it.

[12:54] I'll hire you to be a tech visionary.

[12:58] You're going to wear turtlenecks and never actually invent anything on your own.

[13:02] Whoa.

[13:02] Wow.

[13:02] Dude, so many hot takes tonight.

[13:04] Yeah, I know.

[13:05] We're just ripping out.

[13:06] We haven't even really talked about the movie very much.

[13:07] Okay, so the movie starts with...

[13:09] Derail the end.

[13:14] It's so easily done.

[13:16] College student Chloe Steele.

[13:20] Are you sure that's not a sexy spy of some kind?

[13:22] No, she's a college student and bootleg Veronica Mars.

[13:27] Sure.

[13:27] She has just flown into what is continually called New York.

Dan McCoy

[13:31] By the way, Hallie just pulled out some notes, which I'm very excited to see.

Elliott Kalan

[13:34] Chloe Steele flies into, from college.

[13:41] She goes to the University of Central Arkansas, which we know from her sweatshirt.

[13:46] Now, Chloe flies into what is identified as New York, even though it is clearly the smallest

[13:51] city in the world.

[13:53] Maybe it's in the Midwest.

[13:54] Maybe it's in Canada.

[13:55] We don't know.

[13:56] To surprise her dad...

[13:57] Probably in Eastern Europe or something.

[13:58] Yeah.

[13:59] To surprise her dad, Rayford Steele...

[14:00] Although there'd probably be more machine guns.

[14:03] And half the cast would have been kidnapped in the middle of filming.

[14:06] Her father, Rayford Steele...

[14:08] Okay, that's a name.

[14:09] Rayford?

[14:10] Rayford is Nicolas Cage's character.

Dan McCoy

[14:11] It's like someone tried to say Ralph Fiennes and jammed it all together.

Stuart Wellington

[14:15] What's great is that he named his son after him, Ramey Steele.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] Yeah.

[14:19] Oh, Sam Ramey Steele.

[14:20] Now, she wants to surprise her dad for his birthday, but he's busy.

[14:24] He's got to fly to London.

[14:25] She is mad at her mother because her mother, Leah Thompson, who has...

[14:29] Had sex with a duck man one time.

[14:31] Had casual sex with Howard the Duck.

[14:33] Back to the future in the city with Caroline.

[14:37] Now, she's...

Hallie Haglund

[14:38] It was true love, okay?

[14:40] She's...

[14:40] Which time?

[14:41] God wouldn't judge it.

[14:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] Or her and that guy.

[14:43] She was engaged to on that show.

[14:44] It's right there in Leviticus.

[14:45] Thou shalt not lay with duck as thou witched with man or woman.

[14:49] He was...

[14:49] He wore a condom, dude.

Hallie Haglund

[14:51] Yeah.

[14:51] He doesn't even have a penis.

[14:52] He wore clothes.

[14:53] He must have.

[14:54] He had a tiny...

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] Clothes make the man.

[14:56] Ducks have weird, retractable corkscrew penises.

[14:59] There's no way...

[15:00] That are specifically designed to go with duck vaginas.

[15:03] There's no way that was pleasurable for her.

Hallie Haglund

[15:05] You researched, like, every animal's penis.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] Did you look at, like, this...

[15:08] In case I have to deal with one at some point.

Stuart Wellington

[15:10] Did Lucasfilm put out an incredible cross-sections for Howard the Duck with Howard the Duck's penis?

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] Inside you can see his retractable penis.

Dan McCoy

[15:18] The corkscrew might be, like, ribbed for her pleasure.

[15:20] You don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[15:21] I doubt it.

[15:22] Yeah, because when you put on a ribbed for a pleasure condom, it feels like a corkscrew.

[15:27] Now, here's the thing.

[15:28] I've studied every animal's genitals in case I have to defeat them in a competition of some kind or a physical battle.

[15:35] Someday, if a bare penis comes at you, you're going to want to know how to block it and defeat it.

Dan McCoy

[15:38] So, wait.

[15:39] Is that where the phrase screwing comes from?

[15:42] No.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Corkscrew penis?

[15:44] No, I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[15:45] I'm imagining, by the way, Howard spinning around.

[15:48] Like, he has to screw himself into the vagina.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] Yeah, like Bazooka Joe doing a fucking flip take.

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] Yeah, just Howard the Duck's feet flying out panel on the penis.

[15:59] Yeah, like a fucking propeller.

Hallie Haglund

[16:00] He has to, like, pop the orgasm out.

[16:03] He spins in, and when he pulls up.

[16:05] He pulls up.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] I don't even know what we're talking about anymore.

[16:09] It's a corksgasm.

[16:10] Now we're about ten seconds into the movie.

[16:13] Leah Thompson's character has done a 180 from her duck fucking days.

[16:16] And she is now a hardcore evangelical Christian who's always trying to get her family to convert.

[16:21] That includes her daughter, college age, her husband, the pilot, who is hitting on a stewardess who doesn't know that he's married, and their son, who is this kind of nerdy little kid.

[16:35] Remy.

[16:35] Now, Chloe catches her dad hitting on this stewardess, and she is not happy about it.

Hallie Haglund

[16:41] Letting her wear his hat, I believe.

[16:44] His pilot's hat.

Elliott Kalan

[16:45] Which is like pinning someone or giving them your varsity jacket.

[16:48] They're going steady.

[16:49] It's the opposite of a cuckold's horns.

[16:53] Now, she originally, at first she's pretty understanding, because she thinks that her mom's religion has pushed her dad away as it's pushed her away.

[17:00] We know that she's a rationalist and not religious, because when she runs into a famous investigative reporter named Cameron Buck Williams, while he's being harassed by an evangelical at the airport.

Stuart Wellington

[17:11] Played by One Tree Hill's Chad Michael Murray.

Elliott Kalan

[17:13] She steps in and says, hey, why would God allow all sorts of bad things to happen?

[17:18] Why wouldn't he come in and stop them if you know they're going to happen?

[17:20] And blah, blah, and so forth.

[17:22] And it's one of those moments where you're like—

[17:23] It's great timing, though, right?

[17:25] You're like, I know—yeah, because the rapture's about to happen in tribulations.

[17:28] Yeah.

[17:28] Were you wearing—

[17:29] That is a coincidence.

[17:30] Watching it, it was like—

[17:31] Isn't that weird?

[17:32] It's weird.

[17:32] Watching it, it was like, I know that she is going to be proved wrong by this movie, but she sounds so rational and reasonable right now compared to the—

[17:42] I mean, other than the fact that she just picked a fight with somebody in an airport.

Stuart Wellington

[17:46] It's not like she punched her.

[17:47] No, but she intentionally jumped into an argument.

[17:51] Like, have you ever jumped into an argument in an airport and had it turn out well?

[17:55] You're like, oh, no, it's Frankenstein's monster.

Elliott Kalan

[17:58] Well, if someone—I heard someone saying, you look like a Frankenstein, and that guy had bolts sticking out his neck, I'd make the case known.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] But most of my arguments at the airport are with airport employees, so—

[18:07] Not to get too far ahead of ourselves, but I will say that one thing I kind of admired about this movie is, for a religious movie, it did present, like, the atheist characters as, like, not unreasonable people, like, good people at heart.

[18:21] Like, and the movie seemed concerned about whether they lived or died.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] Or at the very least redeemable if they, like, use drugs or are an angry dwarf.

[18:28] Exactly.

[18:28] Do you think this was really—

[18:29] And even the Muslim character is very positive in it.

Hallie Haglund

[18:31] Yeah, I feel like, was this really a religious movie?

[18:34] Because it feel like it—

[18:35] Well, characters were raptured.

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] It's listed as a sci-fi thriller.

Hallie Haglund

[18:38] Yeah, I know, but it doesn't seem to, like, glamorize.

[18:41] I mean, it doesn't seem to, like, you know, make those characters the heroes or anything.

[18:46] Well, they can't be.

[18:46] They disappear.

[18:47] Right, but it's more just like, this is us living real life down here on the planes that are crashing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] All those jerks up in heaven don't matter what the trouble—

[18:57] I think with the—I think the original movie—the books are very much a niche market thing,

[19:01] although they sell, you know, millions of copies.

[19:03] And the original movies, I think, were for that market.

[19:05] My assumption with this movie was they said,

[19:07] we're going to tell this story in a way that attracts the non-religious audience.

[19:11] Did they accomplish that?

[19:12] No, they didn't.

[19:14] But, like, so I think you're right that they, like, downplay the religious angle a lot.

[19:18] They don't make it as black and white that these characters are bad people

[19:21] because they weren't, you know, devout Christians.

Hallie Haglund

[19:25] I mean, they actually—the only people who are religious in the movie who aren't—

[19:29] the only people who are raptured who are religious and not, like—

[19:35] those people are totally annoying.

[19:37] So, like, all the kids are raptured.

[19:38] And they're irritating.

[19:40] The kids aren't irritating, but, like, the two people, the mom and the lady at the airport

[19:45] who are supposed to be religious, they're, like, portrayed as, like, totally annoying.

[19:50] Yeah.

[19:51] So, basically, it's like—I think the message is, like, why do you want to go to heaven?

[19:55] Because people up there fucking suck.

Stuart Wellington

[19:58] Theoretically, it's going to get more fun down here, bro.

[20:00] Yeah, when the—

[20:01] Party.

Elliott Kalan

[20:02] Pop them off.

[20:03] Pop some bottles.

[20:04] Well, we can skip ahead to—we can skip the hard-to-get U2 tickets that are delivered

[20:09] from an airport employee to the reporter to give to Nicolas Cage.

[20:13] Yeah, like, 20—

Dan McCoy

[20:13] The hottest band in 2014.

Elliott Kalan

[20:16] Look, if you go—if you want hard-to-get tickets, here's who you have to talk to.

[20:20] A guy driving a little buggy around in an airport.

[20:22] He's got the hookup.

[20:24] It feels like 20 minutes of the movie.

[20:26] People move for him.

Stuart Wellington

[20:27] Exactly.

[20:28] They jump out of the way, or they jump onto the back of his thing with their hoverboards.

[20:32] But, like, it feels like 20 or 30 minutes of this movie goes by, and we're trapped in

[20:36] this limbo of an airport, and only four characters have been introduced, and it's terrible.

Dan McCoy

[20:42] Man, love actually is all around.

[20:43] You learn that at airports.

[20:45] I guess you're probably—

[20:46] Oh, that movie was so good, though.

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] But that's a movie that has, like, 10 zillion characters.

Hallie Haglund

[20:51] Oh, I thought you were talking about love actually.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] No, I thought you were talking about the terminal.

[20:57] I was talking about Airport 77.

[21:00] Oh, yeah, that was the one where they all leave the airport and go see Star Wars in the theaters.

Hallie Haglund

[21:04] I thought you were talking about that Planes animated movie.

Dan McCoy

[21:08] Yeah, the semi-sequel to Cars, but by some place—

[21:12] Spiritual.

[21:12] I thought you were talking about Cars the Band with Rick Okasik.

[21:15] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[21:16] I thought you were talking about my car that I had in high school.

Dan McCoy

[21:19] I was talking about the sitcom My Mother the Car, guys.

[21:22] You're all wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] I thought you were talking about my mom.

[21:24] Yeah, our mom, who's the same person and is a human woman.

Dan McCoy

[21:28] Oh, boy.

[21:28] If you guys were twins.

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] I have a twin sister, Hallie.

[21:31] Sorry.

[21:32] The position's taken.

Hallie Haglund

[21:34] I don't even want to be your twin.

Stuart Wellington

[21:36] I can't believe you're making Hallie cry right now all over her alligator necklace.

Elliott Kalan

[21:40] I saw what you wrote on your notebook at school.

[21:43] Elliot and Hallie Kalin, and then parentheses, not married, just siblings.

Hallie Haglund

[21:47] That's why they call them alligator tears.

[21:51] Back to the other thing that you said before about me crying on my alligator thing.

[21:55] Yeah.

[21:56] This thing moves too fast.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] Let's skip ahead a little bit.

Hallie Haglund

[22:00] In the words of Old Town, it moves too fast.

[22:04] We don't have time to look at one another.

Elliott Kalan

[22:07] Just like in Our Town, my favorite play.

[22:11] But look, if you don't stop and smell the roses every once in a while, then something Ferris Bueller said.

[22:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:17] Something, something.

[22:19] Ferris Bueller Cameron.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] So let's skip ahead, shall we?

[22:25] Eventually we get to a point where Nicolas Cage's plane is in the air flying to London,

[22:29] and his daughter Chloe is at the mall with her younger brother watching an amazing breakdancing show.

[22:35] One member of whom actually slides across the floor on his head.

Hallie Haglund

[22:38] No, that was amazing.

[22:39] Was that a stunt or was that real?

Elliott Kalan

[22:41] I have to assume that was all animatronics.

[22:43] Wait a minute.

[22:43] A stunt is real, Hallie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:46] It's not like it's like CGI.

[22:48] That's not classified as a stunt.

[22:50] No, no.

[22:50] Andy's just performing the dance moves CGI style.

[22:52] He performed that with a fucking ball suit or whatever.

[22:55] Yeah.

[22:56] A mocap suit.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Considering the special effects of the plane crash later, I'm going to say that was a real thing they just happened to catch on camera.

Hallie Haglund

[23:02] Or they blew their budget all on the guy sliding across the thing on his head.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] They were buying the computer animation as they shot the movie in sequence.

[23:10] They spent an all-

[23:11] One background breakdancer.

[23:14] Like, well.

[23:15] Anyway.

[23:16] Money well spent.

[23:17] Her brother disappears in what I swear I thought was a puff of blue smoke, but maybe it wasn't.

[23:22] And suddenly-

[23:23] It sort of collapses.

Stuart Wellington

[23:24] Well, it looks like she hugs him too hard.

[23:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] It doesn't look like she hugs him so hard his clothing collapses in on itself.

[23:31] And then on the airplane, all the kids disappear and some of the random other people.

[23:35] There's a lot of craziness.

[23:37] People are going crazy.

[23:37] They don't know what's going on.

[23:38] They try to break into the cockpit.

[23:40] Nicolas Cage is out of the cockpit at the time.

[23:42] And his co-pilot, William Ragsdale from Herman's Head, who we didn't even talk about all this time.

[23:46] Or Mannequin 2 on the move.

[23:47] Yep.

[23:48] Or Fright Night.

[23:49] Or Justified.

[23:50] Yeah, later season.

Dan McCoy

[23:52] He's in Rustified.

[23:53] Justified.

[23:53] About a rusty robot cop.

Stuart Wellington

[23:57] Yeah, I mean, Kentucky's terrible on their, I guess, tin joints.

Dan McCoy

[24:02] Yeah, it's real humid down there.

Stuart Wellington

[24:04] Yeah, robot gibbons.

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] So, everyone's going cuckoo crazy because they don't know what's going on.

[24:12] Society collapses almost instantly.

[24:15] The mall goes apeshit.

[24:17] And people are looting.

[24:18] Cars are exploding.

[24:19] And Chloe has one run in after another where a piece of transportation tries to kill her.

[24:24] First, it's a little two-seater plane that almost smashes into her.

[24:27] No, it's first a car.

[24:28] Oh, right.

[24:29] Then it's a car.

[24:29] First, it's a car that flies through the doors of the mall.

[24:32] Then it's a two-seater plane.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] A little fucking sandpiper plane goes right for her car, giving her just enough time to roll over the hood.

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] Like, the whole movie should have been just bigger and bigger types of transportation.

[24:42] Yeah, basically.

[24:43] Until, like, a submarine almost hits her.

Dan McCoy

[24:45] Well, a little school bus falls over an overpass and almost hits her.

[24:48] And then the climax of the movie is her running away, spoiler alert, from the giant plane that her dad's flying.

[24:54] So, that's her arc.

[24:55] Now, we've briefly before the rapture.

Hallie Haglund

[24:57] Which is a metaphor for her dodging her face, which is the ultimate dodge.

Elliott Kalan

[25:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:03] It's coming out like a freight train, that thing.

[25:05] No, no, like a plane.

[25:07] Like a freight plane.

Elliott Kalan

[25:09] Some kind of cargo plane.

[25:11] Now, they've introduced some characters on the plane before the rapture.

[25:14] I'll admit it.

[25:15] A colorful cast.

[25:16] There's a Muslim guy.

[25:17] Some flakes on a plane.

[25:18] There's a Texas millionaire who's always talking business.

[25:21] There's an angry dwarf who does not like anybody.

[25:24] There's a little girl who's the daughter of a football player.

[25:27] There's some fat guy with glasses.

Hallie Haglund

[25:28] And her mother is played by former American Idol, Jordan Sparks.

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] It's full of stars.

[25:34] Battlefield's Jordan Sparks?

[25:35] Yeah.

[25:36] Oh, man.

[25:36] This movie must have been inside the Stargate that Dave Bowen flew into.

[25:41] Because, my God, it's full of stars.

[25:44] So, the, I should have said Keir Dahlia.

[25:49] That would have made it more clear.

[25:51] Yeah, sure.

[25:51] Anyway, but those characters are given a very.

[25:54] Keir Delay.

[25:54] We spent.

[25:55] Delay.

[25:56] Talk about delay.

[25:57] It's taking us forever to talk about this movie.

[25:59] So, here's the thing.

[26:00] We spent a ton of time in the airport with the most boring characters.

[26:03] We get a couple minutes on the plane with this kooky, colorful cast.

[26:06] And then, it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[26:07] There's like the one English person on this flight to London.

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] Oh, the junkie.

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Who's a drug addict and wears a tank top.

Hallie Haglund

[26:14] But spent a lot of time.

[26:16] Whose tank top is highlighted more and more as the movie goes on.

[26:19] But she spent a lot of time in Christian camps as a youth.

[26:21] So, she's the only person who knows that the rapture is happening.

[26:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] There's also an old lady who is totally senile and her old husband.

[26:30] And the husband is raptured and the lady is not.

[26:32] It's so fucked up.

[26:34] So, you're just left to wonder, like, what did this bitch do?

[26:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:39] Turns out the Alzheimer's was a curse from God.

Elliott Kalan

[26:42] Yep.

[26:42] The horrors of my actions have caused me to forget myself.

[26:45] I like to believe it's a mixed marriage.

[26:47] He's Christian and she's a Satanist.

Hallie Haglund

[26:49] I think this was like a definitive statement that anyone who has Alzheimer's is being punished by God.

[26:55] So, if you know anyone who has Alzheimer's, they've got a secret.

Elliott Kalan

[27:00] Say goodbye to him because you're not going to see him in heaven.

[27:02] That's for sure.

[27:04] Here's the thing.

[27:04] We learned some rapture rules.

[27:06] All kids go to heaven.

[27:07] All dogs do not go to heaven.

Hallie Haglund

[27:09] Yeah, we saw a dog.

[27:10] It didn't go to heaven.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] No, but it's owner's clothes.

[27:12] We're sitting right next to it.

[27:13] Weirdly, all frogs go to heaven.

[27:16] Old people, not definite.

Stuart Wellington

[27:19] And you mentioned the owner's clothes.

[27:22] We didn't see any cats.

[27:23] There's certainly no cats.

[27:24] They are all in heaven.

[27:25] One of the things that's great is how every single set that has a person's clothes,

[27:31] it looks like somebody took the time to set the shoes out, right?

[27:34] Like, tuck the pants into the shoes.

[27:37] Like, hmm, that's what this person would have been doing.

Dan McCoy

[27:39] Yeah, because when they were living, their pants were tucked into their shoes.

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] Yeah, that's what Christians do, Dan.

[27:44] That's a weird thing about it.

Dan McCoy

[27:45] So, there's a lot of trouble.

[27:46] All kids get raptured automatically.

[27:48] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:49] They got a pretty fast.

[27:49] You think hardcore Christians, they tuck their pants in their shoes just in case they get raptured,

[27:55] and it looks like.

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] So, their pants don't fly away.

Hallie Haglund

[27:58] This movie would have been a lot more interesting if there was just, like, one kid who didn't get raptured.

[28:03] Just, like, the kid of a problem child or something?

[28:05] Yeah, or he was going to be, like, it was the kid from, like, Good Son.

[28:11] Wait, which one?

Stuart Wellington

[28:11] Elijah Wood or Macaulay Culkin?

Hallie Haglund

[28:13] Well, Elijah Wood's the bad one.

[28:14] Macaulay Culkin.

[28:15] No.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] Well, Elijah Wood was the bad one.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] Wow.

[28:18] What makes you think he's bad?

[28:20] Well, doesn't he throw that mannequin over the overpass?

Hallie Haglund

[28:22] I think we just found something disturbing about Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] Yeah, Elijah Wood's the one who doesn't want to do that cool prank where they throw the mannequin over.

Hallie Haglund

[28:28] Macaulay Culkin just misunderstood.

[28:32] Or it's child Hitler.

[28:34] Child Hitler.

[28:35] Child Hitler.

[28:36] Just like an adorable little kid with a mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] It's got to be a Johnny Rotten.

Hallie Haglund

[28:39] But don't you think if there was one kid who didn't get raptured, all the people who are left over have an obligation to murder him because he's bound to be a terrible person?

[28:48] He's the antichrist, yeah.

[28:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Now I'm just thinking about child Hitler's adventure.

[28:53] All bad.

Hallie Haglund

[28:54] My tea party shall last a thousand years.

Elliott Kalan

[28:57] And so forth.

[28:57] Anyway.

[28:58] He's a girl.

[28:58] He has tea parties.

[28:59] Anyway.

[29:00] So there's two parallel stories here.

[29:02] Chloe's trying to find her brother.

[29:05] She goes to her mom's house and her mom has raptured away while taking a shower, which means Lady Thompson's just nuding it up in heaven.

[29:10] But I guess they all are because all their clothes get left behind.

[29:14] Which, wait a minute.

[29:14] Yeah, it's a real sex orgy up there.

[29:17] If it, come on.

[29:18] If heaven's going to live up to its billing.

[29:20] Yeah.

[29:20] If you read the Divine Comedy, heaven is just everybody sitting looking at God loving it the whole time.

[29:25] That sounds super boring.

Hallie Haglund

[29:27] But their original sin got taken away so they don't feel ashamed of their bodies, right?

Elliott Kalan

[29:31] But I thought Christ's whole thing was that he cleansed the earth of original sin, right?

Hallie Haglund

[29:35] Then why are we all wearing clothes?

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] Good question.

[29:38] Let me take mine off right now.

[29:40] Oh, Chippendale.

[29:44] Chippendale's Rescue Rangers.

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] So left behind refers to their clothes being left behind.

Elliott Kalan

[29:51] That's right.

[29:52] Left behind refers to.

[29:53] Oh, my wallet was there too.

[29:55] I love that necklace.

[29:56] I'm not going to be able to get it ahead of me.

[29:57] I love it all the time.

[29:58] You can leave your clothes behind, but take your visa card because heaven doesn't take American Express.

[30:03] No, someone left his visa.

[30:04] Don't you remember?

[30:05] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] Hades Cage finds William Ragsdale's.

Stuart Wellington

[30:08] Like stock photo visa.

Dan McCoy

[30:11] They're all up there.

Hallie Haglund

[30:12] Like 1985 visa.

Dan McCoy

[30:14] At the heaven bar and they can't get any.

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] They can't give me drinks.

[30:17] That no one can start a tap.

[30:19] Maybe that's God's big scam is that he takes them without their clothes and then they've got to buy heaven clothes at inflated prices.

[30:25] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[30:26] Like when you buy a sandwich at the airport.

[30:27] And you have to buy them with like heaven bucks that you can only get from like going to a Dave and Buster's or some shit.

Dan McCoy

[30:32] Yeah.

[30:33] Everyone's like, these are just robes.

[30:35] I gave you some sheets.

[30:36] Where are you going to get the sheets?

[30:37] There's one game in town.

[30:39] It's called God.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] If you read between the lines of my New Testament, you'd know that Dave and Buster's is the one place to get heaven bucks.

[30:47] There's two stories.

Hallie Haglund

[30:48] But what do they do to pay for the, to play the games at Dave and Buster's?

Stuart Wellington

[30:52] Oh, man.

[30:52] You don't want to know.

[30:53] No, you do not want to know.

[30:56] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] Because we don't know.

[30:58] It seems like she kind of wants to know.

[30:59] Yeah.

[30:59] Okay.

[30:59] Well, Dan, tell her because I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[31:01] I forget.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] Great.

[31:04] Anti-climax all around.

[31:05] There's two plot lines.

[31:06] Chloe's looking for her brother.

[31:08] And Nicolas Cage is trying to land this damn plane.

[31:11] He wants, he's tired of this motherfucking rapture on this motherfucking plane.

Stuart Wellington

[31:15] He flies it one way and then he turns around and flies another way.

[31:17] Well, they're running out of fuel.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] They slam into another plane that has no pilot and they keep going.

[31:22] Chloe finds God after having a very awkward conversation with a pastor who was not raptured.

Stuart Wellington

[31:28] She sees that great sign that says the end is near and they've crossed it out and written here.

[31:33] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[31:34] Because I like to believe that someone's being raptured and he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, God, one second.

[31:38] And then he changed the sign.

[31:39] Okay, bring me up, big guy.

[31:41] Well, because that's the thing about, that's the thing about like apocalypse movies.

Stuart Wellington

[31:44] Apocalypse movies, everyone, like the first thing they want to do is start like graffitiing everything.

[31:50] And like go over to the population sign of the city and cross it off.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] There's always graffiti that says like get out or like it's over or something like that.

[32:00] But society is.

Stuart Wellington

[32:01] They live because they live, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[32:03] Society is.

[32:04] I don't even know who they are in this case.

[32:05] Or Banksy.

[32:07] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[32:08] You think there was a Banksy?

[32:09] Banksy is all over the place.

[32:12] It's like I don't even need to hide anymore.

[32:13] It's so many stencils.

[32:14] I'm going to Banksy this up.

[32:16] Everything's going to get Banksyed.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] There's just Shepard Fairey obey things everywhere.

[32:22] Okay, so society is falling apart.

[32:26] People are dying.

[32:27] Cars are crashing into each other.

[32:29] People are just robbing and shooting all over the place.

[32:31] The rapture happened roughly 25 minutes ago.

[32:33] And already people are going nuts.

[32:36] Civilizations can't handle it.

[32:37] Which is weird because not that many people get raptured in the movie.

[32:41] So you'd think civilization would be able to absorb that loss pretty easily.

[32:45] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[32:46] Because they said millions of people got raptured.

[32:50] But how many people are there on Earth?

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] Six billion, roughly.

Hallie Haglund

[32:53] Exactly.

[32:53] So if we're in the millions, we're not even getting high in numbers.

Elliott Kalan

[32:56] It's a drop in el bucket-o.

[32:59] Which is Hallie knows the Spanish for the bucket.

[33:03] Can you confirm that?

Hallie Haglund

[33:04] That actually means something else.

[33:06] Oh.

[33:07] Really bad.

[33:08] Oh.

[33:08] They can't even say it on this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] Have you been saying that to people, Elliot?

[33:13] Just to the guys who do maintenance and janitorial work at the show.

[33:16] Oh, no.

[33:18] Hopefully they're not fucking up their safety checks.

Hallie Haglund

[33:20] I wouldn't touch your poison trash can with the bomb in it tomorrow.

Dan McCoy

[33:26] I want to make it clear that that's not a racist comment on Elliot's part.

[33:29] That's just a factual comment about the nationality.

Elliott Kalan

[33:32] Our office are all native Spanish speakers.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[33:36] I'm not ashamed to say it.

[33:37] Ooh.

[33:38] Okay.

[33:38] Well, moving.

[33:39] I guess I'm the only member of the silent majority who's willing to say the truth.

[33:44] Anyway, Chloe is going to kill herself.

[33:46] She's going to jump off the top of a bridge.

[33:48] She's found a caveman.

[33:48] That's how you get to heaven, right?

[33:49] Yeah.

[33:50] I think so.

[33:50] Dan?

[33:51] Dan?

[33:51] Yeah.

[33:51] Suicide is the one surefire way to get to heaven.

Hallie Haglund

[33:54] I thought she was just trying to get closer to her mom so she could deliver the message.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] Maybe that's it.

[33:59] She's just climbing the top of a bridge.

[34:01] Hey, heaven, can you hear me now?

Stuart Wellington

[34:02] That's why I go to the top of the Freedom Tower.

[34:05] What?

Elliott Kalan

[34:06] To get closer to heaven?

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] Yeah, so I get as high as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[34:09] Well, it's weird because I've always thought that to get closer to God, I have to fuck me

[34:12] like an animal.

[34:15] It has not been working.

[34:18] But I'm going to keep trying.

[34:19] Yeah, you keep trying, right?

[34:19] I'm not going to stop.

[34:20] I'm going to keep trying.

[34:22] You know what they say.

[34:23] Try, try again.

Stuart Wellington

[34:24] A lot of grunting and spitting.

[34:26] Like Chippendale or wrestling over here.

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] One of those cork true penises.

[34:30] So many callbacks.

[34:32] Now, tensions are high on the plane.

[34:34] The dwarf and the Muslim got in a fight.

[34:36] The dwarf is an asshole.

[34:38] We got into Link.

[34:39] He's a big jerk.

[34:40] I'm a Link.

[34:40] And Dan, you said you did admire.

[34:42] I was being prestigious.

[34:43] You said you did admire that the dwarf is a jerk.

Dan McCoy

[34:45] Yeah, I feel like any other movie would feel the need to make the dwarf character like a saint.

[34:52] And I like the movie that...

Elliott Kalan

[34:53] What movie has ever done that?

Dan McCoy

[34:56] Yeah.

[34:56] I mean like...

[34:57] We already mentioned Dill Look now.

[34:59] I guess that's true.

[35:00] But I feel like a movie...

[35:02] What, Basket Case?

[35:03] In this modern era would be like...

[35:05] Well...

[35:05] We can't risk the idea of like the dwarf being the bad guy.

[35:10] Rather, like this movie actually treats the dwarf as a human being who might be an asshole.

Hallie Haglund

[35:15] Either that or...

[35:15] I love that the assumption is like we've transcended any like negative stereotypes that we have about dwarves and we're on the other side and it's now progressive to portray them like...

Dan McCoy

[35:27] Yeah, I just feel like the casting did not seem to care like whether this was like a full-sized actor or this is a dwarf.

[35:35] No, everything he says is about being a dwarf.

Hallie Haglund

[35:37] It's all about him being a dwarf.

Dan McCoy

[35:38] Every line is about how he's a dwarf.

Hallie Haglund

[35:39] Yeah, his first line is about like someone trying to help him put his bag in the overhead compartment.

[35:44] All right, you've turned me around on this.

Elliott Kalan

[35:45] I will say that the Muslim character rather than being...

[35:48] He's not raptured.

[35:49] Clearly the movie's stance is he believes in the wrong god.

[35:52] But he's like the nicest character in the whole movie.

[35:55] And he looks kind of like Jeremy Sisto.

Hallie Haglund

[35:57] Didn't you guys find the line problematic at all when someone's like looking in through his bag and he's like,

[36:02] A terrorist could never do this.

[36:04] As if like, yes.

Stuart Wellington

[36:07] He's an expert on terrorism, I guess.

Hallie Haglund

[36:09] Yeah.

[36:10] It's like I see...

[36:11] Like...

[36:12] That he would be synonymous with terrorists.

[36:15] And even he would accept the premise.

[36:17] He's like, terrorists...

[36:17] Seemed a little problematic.

Stuart Wellington

[36:18] Terrorists I know would kill for a rapture device.

Dan McCoy

[36:21] I did like that this movie blew the lid off the centuries-old rivalry between Muslims and dwarves.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] It's been going on beneath the surface for so long now.

[36:31] They've hated each other forever.

[36:32] Yeah, that's the whole subtext to Game of Thrones, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[36:34] Yeah, I think in Anthony Bourdain's first book, he was talking about how in a kitchen you can't hire Muslims and dwarves to work in the same kitchen.

[36:41] No, yeah.

[36:43] It all come to blows.

Dan McCoy

[36:44] That's why I was Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

[36:47] And not what, Snow Mecca?

[36:48] I understand.

[36:49] Not a Persian.

[36:51] That's what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[36:52] Not...

[36:52] Wait, what?

[36:53] Snow White and the Seven Persians?

[36:55] Yeah, that's right.

[36:56] Okay.

[36:56] It's gotten into a weird area.

[36:57] Yeah, I don't understand what you're saying.

[36:59] I apologize.

Hallie Haglund

[37:00] Can I continue with the movie plot?

[37:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:03] It's terrible about racism.

Hallie Haglund

[37:05] Go back to how much you hate dwarves.

Dan McCoy

[37:07] Oh, boy.

[37:09] We're gonna get letters.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] Yeah, then I can sing a song about them.

[37:13] Yeah.

[37:14] So the characters are flying around forever.

[37:16] Chloe's running around forever.

[37:18] Chloe manages to get a phone call on the satellite phone from her dad.

[37:21] And he says, we need a runway.

[37:23] She decides she's gonna clear off the East-West Highway to the Mall.

[37:27] Yeah, it's over by the Mall.

[37:28] Famous New York landmark.

[37:30] And so that they can land on that using NASA landing strip.

Hallie Haglund

[37:33] Anyone planning to visit New York should check out the mall.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] But also, weren't you guys pointing out a...

[37:41] Like, I didn't hear the thing, but weren't you guys pointing out a problem with they couldn't

[37:45] land because of water, but you were like...

Stuart Wellington

[37:47] I couldn't...

[37:47] Well, he says...

[37:48] He made a point of saying that JFK is surrounded by city, and if he can't find a landing strip,

[37:56] he's gonna crash the plane like a missile into Queens.

[37:59] Which, there's a lot of problems with that statement.

[38:02] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[38:02] Why wouldn't he just try to land?

[38:04] Like, instead of being like, fuck this, just gonna missile it.

Elliott Kalan

[38:08] Well, by this point, he's pretty tired of being in the movie, so...

[38:11] Oh, we've also skipped that.

[38:13] Nicolas Cage has come to the same conclusion.

[38:15] By rifling through his co-pilot's clothes, and seeing that he's a Christian,

[38:19] and also rifling through the clothes of a flight attendant who was raptured out,

[38:23] he realized, oh, no, it must have been the rapture, because all the people who were taken were Christians.

[38:29] So he knows what happened at this point.

[38:30] Wait, so I have a question.

[38:32] For some reason, also, the rapture has interfered with the satellites around the Earth,

[38:35] making their phones not work properly.

[38:37] So I guess the satellites also believed in Christ.

[38:39] But anyway, continue.

Hallie Haglund

[38:40] So my question is, so he realizes that Herman's Head is a believer,

[38:45] because his watch has John 316 on it, right?

Elliott Kalan

[38:49] I think that's a wrestling thing.

Hallie Haglund

[38:51] No, it's...

[38:51] Yeah, yeah, he's just a Steve Austin fan.

[38:53] No, I know it's a big thing, but what is it, Dan?

[38:56] What is John 316?

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] It's believe in me and you'll have eternal life, right?

Stuart Wellington

[39:02] Why does Stone Cold Steve Austin talk about that all the time?

Dan McCoy

[39:06] Well, he has Austin 316, which I think is know your role.

[39:09] Just because I grew up in a church does not mean that I actually know...

Elliott Kalan

[39:13] Literally, you were an orphan who was found by Quasimodo.

[39:16] Yeah, that's right.

[39:17] You were raised in a bell tower.

Hallie Haglund

[39:19] Should we call your dad and ask him what that means?

[39:21] No, I don't think it's John.

[39:22] Is it Matthew 316?

[39:23] No, it's John 316.

[39:24] Oh, I'm all in my head now, because no one will tell me what it means.

[39:27] Well, I'll just look it up right now.

Dan McCoy

[39:28] It's not like we have little phone computers in our pockets.

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] It's the verse that every...

[39:32] I can't believe you don't know that, Dan.

[39:34] So John 316 is for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.

[39:37] That's what it is.

[39:38] That whoever believes in him shall live forever.

[39:40] Yeah.

[39:41] Okay.

[39:41] Yes, it's about Jesus.

[39:42] It's from the New Testament.

[39:43] The whole thing's about Jesus.

Dan McCoy

[39:44] It's the one about Jesus cursing a fig tree, and the fig tree wilting.

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] It's the part about, and so Jebediah baguette Jebesiah.

Dan McCoy

[39:54] It's the one where the guy curses children who are calling him bald,

[39:59] and bears come out of the woods and kill the children, which is an actual verse.

Hallie Haglund

[40:04] I love how you know that one, and not the one that everyone has tattooed on there.

[40:08] That's the best verse.

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] So John 316...

Stuart Wellington

[40:10] Wait, is there a fig tree in that verse?

[40:12] What happened to the fig tree?

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] John 316 is what you would call the New Testament's log line.

[40:16] It basically summarizes the gist of the whole thing.

[40:18] Okay.

[40:19] Jesus.

[40:20] Yeah, that's what it is.

[40:22] Do you know?

Dan McCoy

[40:22] The watch word is Jesus.

[40:24] If you've got one takeaway from this, it's Jesus.

[40:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:27] So that's why he had that on his watch.

[40:30] Yeah.

[40:30] Because, I don't know, he looks at his watch a lot.

Hallie Haglund

[40:33] Well, the problem is, though, that...

[40:34] He's like, oh, I'm so caught up in my life.

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] What time...

[40:37] It's Jesus time.

[40:39] No, no, he looks at it and he goes, whatever.

[40:40] He always thinks, what time is it?

[40:41] 316.

[40:42] Oh, shit.

[40:42] No, it's like 445.

[40:44] I'm sorry.

Hallie Haglund

[40:45] He's late for a point.

[40:46] I'm so late!

Elliott Kalan

[40:47] Is it 316?

[40:48] Oh, I was supposed to wake up at 6.

[40:50] Oh, no, okay.

[40:50] Here we go.

[40:51] It is.

Stuart Wellington

[40:51] Yep, he's like, let me look at this ironic watch I bought as a goof.

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] So I'm totally not a Christian.

[40:58] God checks everyone by their watch.

[41:01] I got God!

[41:03] I got him!

[41:04] I got him!

[41:05] He got up there and he's like, no, God, that was totally a goof, ironically.

[41:09] Can you send me back down there?

[41:10] Well, you got me good.

[41:10] Why don't you stick around?

[41:11] We need a jokester in here.

[41:13] There's all these hipsters with Jesus is my homeboy t-shirts that are in heaven now,

[41:16] and they're like, wait, what?

Stuart Wellington

[41:19] Wait, they got to keep the t-shirts?

[41:20] Yeah.

[41:21] So they're Winnie the Pooh-ing up there?

Elliott Kalan

[41:24] Yeah, they're wearing a t-shirt with no pants, which is somehow worse than being naked.

[41:28] Got a little turkey neck coming out of me.

[41:32] Also, their heads are all stuck in honey pots.

Hallie Haglund

[41:37] They're Winnie the Pooh-ing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:40] So she goes and she uses a truck and a motorcycle and a steamroller to clear this highway of debris.

[41:49] She lights a huge bunch of barrels of flammable liquid on fire so that they have a-

Stuart Wellington

[41:53] That's the kind of sign a Nicolas Cage can follow.

Elliott Kalan

[41:55] So they have a beacon.

[41:56] She's like, Nicolas Cage is like, I need a point of light so I can find it.

[42:00] Say it more like Nicolas Cage would say it.

[42:02] I need a point of light so I can see the runway.

[42:06] What do you think, Danny?

[42:06] Now say it like H.W. Bush but making a thousand points of light.

[42:10] Need to see the thousand points of light so I can see the runway.

[42:14] Good stuff.

[42:15] Come on, throw it at me.

[42:15] What else?

[42:16] Who else is delivering this line?

Hallie Haglund

[42:18] Now do it like Kate Bush.

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] Oh, wow.

[42:21] I don't know who I sound like, but I need that runway.

Hallie Haglund

[42:25] Now do it like the bush in my friend yard that I grew up with.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Russell, Russell in the wind.

[42:31] Russell.

[42:33] Perfect.

[42:34] Thank you.

[42:35] I miss home.

[42:37] I actually spent a lot of time with that bush trying to get its voice patterns down.

[42:40] You did a bush along.

[42:42] Yeah.

[42:43] Walk a bush.

[42:43] I'm a method busher.

[42:45] So she starts flashing the brights on the truck and she's like, I'm flashing my brights.

[42:50] Does that help?

[42:51] And Nicolas Cage is like, no, honey, I need something bigger.

[42:54] And you know in his head the character's like, my daughter is an idiot.

Stuart Wellington

[42:57] He's like, don't make fun of her.

[42:58] She's trying.

Elliott Kalan

[43:00] And the co-pilot says, she's like, I think I'm not going to go to my mind.

[43:03] I'm glad he's graduated to fucking co-pilot status.

[43:06] So we're going to talk about the reporter who we haven't talked about, but he has a crush on Nicolas Cage's daughter.

[43:10] And he has spent most of the time so far.

Hallie Haglund

[43:12] He, quote, can't stop thinking about her since he saw her in the airport.

[43:15] One Tree Hill.

[43:16] Even when all this other stuff is going on that he definitely should be thinking about.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] He's like, what's Chloe up to right now?

[43:22] Is she thinking of me?

[43:24] One Tree Hill has mainly been sticking his.

[43:25] He's dribbling hearts on his notebook.

[43:27] He's mainly been taking camera video footage of clothing sitting on chairs and sticking his camera in the face of mothers grieving for their disappeared children.

[43:36] Going like, hey, what happened here?

[43:37] Tell me.

[43:38] But he's like, it's so funny because he's like, I got to get this footage.

[43:42] And it's just literally clothes lying on chairs.

[43:44] It could be just a messy apartment.

Hallie Haglund

[43:46] Oh, but also I love the moment where, so the woman that he's like bothering in particular, whose baby disappeared, how she freaks out eventually.

[43:57] And she's like, we have to turn the plane back.

[43:59] We have to go back to the place where the baby disappeared.

[44:02] Because it's like, yeah, the baby will be in the fucking, like, just floating in the air.

[44:07] It'll be there.

Dan McCoy

[44:08] Yeah.

[44:09] She thinks that they're pulling a flight plan on her.

Stuart Wellington

[44:12] Or like Undead, that Australian zombie movie where all the people are, like, floating in the air.

[44:18] Okay.

[44:18] I haven't seen that one.

[44:20] Don't worry about it.

[44:20] It has to do with floating people in the air.

Elliott Kalan

[44:22] I mean, that sounds great.

[44:25] So she said, I've only been able to clear nine tenths of a mile.

[44:28] And he's like, that's fine, that's fine.

[44:30] And not co-pilot.

[44:31] The reporter is like, that's not going to be enough, is it?

[44:33] And he's like, yeah, but if this doesn't work, I don't want to make her feel like it was her fault.

[44:37] Even though it was totally her fault.

[44:38] She failed in her mission.

[44:40] But everything turns out okay, even though their landing gear gets clipped by some electric power lines.

[44:45] And rips the fuck off.

[44:46] They land the crash lane on the plane.

[44:49] Everyone's safe.

[44:50] They get out, and they see the city in front of them burning, smoke rising from it.

[44:54] And either One Tree Hill or Nicolas Cage says, oh, I'm glad that's over.

[44:57] And Chloe says, no, this is just the beginning.

[45:00] Cut to credits, there's a song about how you better be ready, because Jesus is going to rapture you.

Hallie Haglund

[45:06] But you skipped the comic relief moment where the Muslim guy pushes the midget, pushes the dwarf down the inflatable raft.

[45:14] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] Oh, man, she's covering her face.

[45:16] So embarrassed.

[45:17] For those listening, when Hallie said the word midget, she literally flinched with embarrassment at having used the wrong term.

Stuart Wellington

[45:23] Yeah, but it was.

[45:24] I make mistakes all the time.

[45:25] Just blame it on the beers.

Hallie Haglund

[45:27] I've never had a sip of alcohol in my life.

Stuart Wellington

[45:30] Wow.

[45:31] Somebody's trying to get raptured over here.

[45:34] She's really rapture hunting.

Hallie Haglund

[45:36] Do you guys think God listens to your podcast?

[45:38] I mean, God.

[45:39] I mean, his eye's on the sparrow, so I know he listens to this podcast.

[45:41] No, he's too busy.

[45:42] Don't talk about birds.

[45:44] I got attacked by a bird today, people.

[45:47] Tell the story.

Stuart Wellington

[45:47] We'll wrap it up.

[45:48] Okay, yeah, wrap it up.

[45:50] We got about two hours to hear the bird story.

[45:52] It all started with a dog fashion show.

[45:56] That was your story, Stuart.

[45:58] The Stuart Wellington story.

[46:00] It started with a dog fashion show.

[46:02] My parents met at a dog fashion show.

[46:04] All right, you're confusing listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[46:05] So, Hallie, you were walking down the street and a bird attacked you.

[46:07] Wow, you really ruined that story.

[46:09] Walking quickly.

[46:11] Is there more to it?

[46:12] Yes.

Hallie Haglund

[46:13] It attacked me and I ran away screaming.

[46:15] And then it attacked me again.

[46:18] Twice.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] You made the enemies with the wrong bird.

Hallie Haglund

[46:20] I didn't do anything.

[46:21] I love birds.

Stuart Wellington

[46:22] Maybe the way you were running was provoking that bird.

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:27] What?

[46:27] I said maybe the way you were running was provoking that bird.

Hallie Haglund

[46:32] And I was dressed in very short running shorts.

[46:36] Do birds like that?

[46:39] Apparently not.

[46:40] This was a real Bible-thumping bird.

[46:42] I think...

[46:43] This bird was about to be raptured.

Elliott Kalan

[46:44] You were dressed like a pine cone that had been with peanut butter on it and seeds on that peanut butter.

[46:51] So, I think...

[46:51] I mean, that's really going to attract a bird.

[46:53] She had a job interview.

Hallie Haglund

[46:56] I wanted to look my best.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] You got to dress for the job you wanted.

Hallie Haglund

[47:00] I was being interviewed by a cabin.

Dan McCoy

[47:07] We should wrap up this segment.

[47:11] Is this a good, bad movie?

[47:13] A bad, bad movie?

[47:14] Or a movie we kind of like...

[47:16] I'm going to say that it's marginal.

[47:19] But I'm going to give it a good, bad movie.

[47:20] It's pretty silly.

[47:22] I wish it was a little sillier, especially with Nicolas Cage's performance.

[47:25] He's doing an incredible job.

Elliott Kalan

[47:27] He's really...

[47:28] He's like the...

[47:29] He's like the...

[47:30] The rock on which you'll build the church?

[47:32] Yes.

[47:33] I was going to say like the anchor.

[47:34] Like, he's so stable compared to the rest of the movie.

[47:37] Yeah.

[47:37] And you want him to be crazy.

[47:38] But it's in the tradition of big name actors doing movie roles

[47:42] where they're sitting down for most of the performance.

[47:44] Like, he's doing an okay job.

[47:46] But you want him to be crazy.

[47:48] But yeah, I would say good, bad also.

[47:50] What do you guys think?

[47:51] What's the...

[47:52] Oh, go ahead.

[47:54] Spookily snore a flying.

Stuart Wellington

[47:55] No, no.

[47:56] Scarily dumbness.

[47:57] Or good, bad.

[47:59] Yeah, I guess I'll give it a good, bad.

[48:01] It was goofy enough.

[48:02] I wish it went a little bit faster.

[48:03] And I wish it got a little bit crazy.

[48:06] Crazier.

[48:07] There's a few too many scenes of the daughter, Chloe Steele,

[48:10] just wandering around this town.

[48:13] And I wish they...

[48:13] New York City.

[48:14] I wish they'd made New York City just a touch more crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:17] Yeah.

[48:18] I mean, there's one scene where a guy who looks like a juggalo

[48:22] is thrown out of a window.

[48:24] And then a guy who is like some kind of...

[48:26] Looks like Donald Logue.

[48:27] Looks like Donald Logue, but like with shoulder length,

[48:30] kind of like Elizabethan hair.

[48:33] Sounds like Donald Logue.

[48:34] He looks like Renaissance Reservoir Dogs.

[48:36] Sure.

[48:36] She puts a shotgun in her face,

[48:38] and it's this glimpse of the crazy movie it might have been.

Stuart Wellington

[48:41] And there was that scene in the nursery at the hospital

[48:45] where there was a whole bunch of raptured baby clothes,

[48:48] and then one crazy lady who was like,

[48:51] they took them.

[48:53] They took all those babies.

[48:54] You totally called it.

[48:55] I think Dan called it.

[48:57] Oh, Dan called it.

[48:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:58] Yeah, while we're watching it, Dan's like,

[48:59] oh, and there's like a crazy person who's like,

[49:01] they took all the babies.

Stuart Wellington

[49:02] Where did the babies go?

[49:04] Where did the babies go?

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] Allie didn't give a judgment.

[49:06] What do you think?

Hallie Haglund

[49:07] Well, is there a middle of the road?

Elliott Kalan

[49:09] Good movie, bad, bad movie.

[49:11] Or there was just bad, bad movie, good, bad movie,

[49:13] or movie kind of liked?

Hallie Haglund

[49:14] Movie kind of liked.

[49:15] I thought it was in the middle.

[49:16] I wouldn't say it's a...

Stuart Wellington

[49:18] Wow.

[49:19] There were definitely moments during this movie, Allie,

[49:21] where you were like, this movie sucks.

Hallie Haglund

[49:22] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[49:23] I fucking hate...

[49:24] It came around.

[49:26] Well, exactly.

[49:27] It came around, but it was 110 minutes long,

[49:33] and not much happened in it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:35] It is very slow.

[49:36] Yeah.

[49:37] It has like three locations.

[49:38] It's weird because it's based on the first part

[49:42] of a 16-part book series.

[49:44] It's based on Paradise Lost.

[49:46] It's not like they don't have a lot of material,

[49:48] but they really like...

[49:50] They wanted the rapture to be like the one thing

[49:52] that happened in this movie,

[49:53] and then the plane crash.

[49:55] And yeah, there's not a lot of other stuff that happens.

Hallie Haglund

[49:57] But it also just made me sad

[49:59] how terrible Nicolas Cage looked.

[50:02] It was like when you see a building

[50:04] that's being dressed for a set,

[50:06] and they make a fake facade on it

[50:09] because his hair was clearly fake.

[50:12] He was wearing blue contacts.

[50:13] It just looked like he was such a shell

[50:16] of a shriveled man beneath all of these physical props.

Dan McCoy

[50:21] Now I'm sad.

[50:23] Yeah.

[50:24] There's a little mummy underneath it all.

Jordan Morris

[50:32] Ty is a pedantic person.

[50:36] I think when he pronounces these words,

[50:37] it's in a very show-offy way.

[50:40] Gyro.

[50:41] Yiro.

[50:42] Sacrebleu.

[50:43] Sacrebleu.

[50:44] Ayers Rock.

[50:45] Uluru.

[50:46] What you are witnessing is real.

[50:51] The participants are not actors.

[50:53] They are actual litigants with real cases.

[50:57] They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court,

[51:00] the real people's court.

[51:02] Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court.

[51:06] Find it at MaximumFun.org

[51:08] or wherever you download podcasts.

[51:13] I'm Jesse Thorne.

[51:14] I'm Jordan Morris.

[51:15] The federal government has millions of dollars

[51:17] in programs and opportunities

[51:19] that you need to seize today.

[51:21] You're a taxpayer, right?

[51:23] Well, then you've got it coming.

[51:24] Thanks to Uncle Sam,

[51:25] you can get

[51:26] Grant programs for veterans.

[51:28] Unlimited access to our nation's most erotic

[51:31] natural history museum.

[51:32] Fruit for you and your family.

[51:34] The opportunity to tell the Department of Water and Power

[51:36] to go suck a d**k.

[51:38] Your own personal radioactive brick.

[51:40] A real wearable bull**** detector.

[51:43] A kite that won't let everybody know you're a sexist.

[51:46] Greyhound tickets.

[51:47] From here to there to everywhere.

[51:50] Access to a variety of dolphins.

[51:52] Handfuls of sweet, fleshy crawdads.

[51:55] Sensual songs of the South Seas.

[51:58] A real live slap fight

[51:59] with the guy who played the president

[52:00] in The Fifth Element.

[52:02] Access to your public library's

[52:04] secret stash of saucy nudist films

[52:06] from the 1920s.

[52:08] Don't wait right now.

[52:10] For all of this and more,

[52:12] drop us a line.

[52:13] Jordan, Jesse, go.

[52:14] One, two, three iTunes Street

Dan McCoy

[52:16] or wherever you download podcasts.

[52:20] But we should move on to letters

[52:22] from listeners.

[52:24] Letters from who?

Elliott Kalan

[52:25] Letters from who?

[52:27] Letters from you?

[52:28] The listeners at home?

[52:29] Take it, Hallie.

Hallie Haglund

[52:31] Letters from you.

[52:32] It's the listeners at home.

[52:34] Why do you listen

[52:35] and why do you live at home?

Elliott Kalan

[52:39] Why don't you live somewhere

[52:40] other than home?

Hallie Haglund

[52:42] Just try something new.

[52:43] Why not?

[52:44] Like a shoe.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] Live in a shoe.

[52:48] Live in a shoe.

[52:49] And write us a letter about you

[52:52] and your life in the shoe.

Hallie Haglund

[52:55] And thanks for being part of our crew.

Dan McCoy

[53:01] All right.

[53:02] I like it.

[53:04] You guys won me over by the end.

[53:05] Short and sweet,

[53:06] just like Dan likes it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:08] Just like the dwarf in the movie.

[53:10] He was sour.

[53:10] Clay and sour.

[53:14] So...

Hallie Haglund

[53:14] And he was never redeemed,

[53:17] by the way.

[53:18] He just got like,

[53:19] he just got punted down the...

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] I was...

[53:22] The emergency slide.

Stuart Wellington

[53:24] I was really hoping

[53:25] there was gonna be that scene

[53:26] between the Muslim guy

[53:27] and the dwarf

[53:27] and they're like,

[53:28] God damn it,

[53:29] I respect you or something.

[53:30] Like do a warrior clasp

[53:32] at the bottom of the fucking slide.

[53:33] I respect your...

Hallie Haglund

[53:34] I respect your...

[53:35] Devotion to Islam.

[53:38] I respect your devotion

[53:39] to dwarfism.

Elliott Kalan

[53:46] I don't really have a choice

[53:47] about that, but...

[53:48] Dan, read us some letters.

[53:50] Spin us a tale.

Stuart Wellington

[53:51] Reach into that mailbag of yours.

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] Read us a letter.

[53:55] You're the letter man.

[53:56] Read us a letter tonight.

[53:59] This is all the need

[54:01] of a letter man.

[54:02] David Letterman, that is.

[54:05] Da, da, da, da.

[54:06] The Late Show.

[54:08] Da, da, da.

[54:10] Paul Schaefer.

Dan McCoy

[54:11] It's from Elan,

[54:12] Last Name Withheld.

[54:13] I've had a long-running fascination

[54:15] with a certain type of song

[54:16] that used to appear

[54:18] on movie soundtracks.

[54:19] Letter song.

[54:20] And to be clear,

[54:21] usually on the soundtracks

[54:22] of bad, bad movies,

[54:23] but appears to have fallen

[54:24] out of favor.

[54:25] This is a song that was not

[54:27] merely written for the movie

[54:28] and inspired by its themes,

[54:30] but is about the movie

[54:31] or the characters in the movie.

[54:32] The distinction I'm drawing

[54:33] is between your

[54:34] danger zone

[54:35] and your

[54:36] on's our own.

[54:38] The former

[54:39] McKinney Loggins,

[54:41] Top Gun,

[54:42] is at some points

[54:42] explicitly about

[54:43] flying airplanes,

[54:44] but it doesn't.

[54:45] For example,

[54:46] break down the beach

[54:46] volleyball match,

[54:48] mourn Goose's fiery death,

[54:49] or mention that literally

[54:50] everyone in Top Gun,

[54:51] including Kelly McGillis

[54:52] in her suit,

[54:54] wears the same white

[54:55] beefy pocket tee.

[54:57] Danger Zone is evocative

[54:58] of the Top Gun-iverse,

[54:59] but that's all.

[55:00] If Top Gun was suddenly

[55:01] stricken from our

[55:02] collective memory,

[55:03] Danger Zone would not

[55:04] provide any clues

[55:05] that it ever existed.

[55:07] Similar tunes?

[55:08] Weird Science

[55:09] by Oingo Boingo,

[55:10] Footloose by Kenny Loggins.

Elliott Kalan

[55:12] Sometimes they talk about

[55:13] pictures from a magazine,

[55:15] My Creation,

[55:15] all that stuff.

Dan McCoy

[55:16] Who's That Girl by Madonna,

[55:18] Friday by Ice Cube,

[55:19] Fame by Irene Cara,

[55:21] He's Got Game by Public Enemy,

[55:22] The Never Ending Story by

[55:24] Lim Hall,

[55:25] virtually every title

[55:26] to act to a Bond film.

[55:28] Now.

[55:29] Goldfinger?

[55:30] What about,

[55:30] oh, that's pretty specific.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] It's pretty non-universal

[55:34] that there's a man

[55:35] with the Midas touch

[55:36] who tries to convince you

[55:38] to do bad stuff.

Dan McCoy

[55:39] I think the key

[55:41] is plot elements,

[55:42] and I'll get onto it

[55:43] in a moment.

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] Well, there's that

[55:44] part in Goldfinger

[55:45] where it's like,

[55:46] he'll cover you in gold

[55:48] till you're dead.

[55:51] Look up for our job.

[55:52] He'll see the guy

[55:52] with the hat that kills.

[55:54] He doesn't expect you

[55:56] to talk,

[55:56] he expects you to die

[55:58] from a crotch laser.

[56:01] Goldfinger!

Dan McCoy

[56:03] On our own,

[56:04] Bobby Brown,

[56:05] Ghostbusters 2,

[56:06] is a different story

[56:07] altogether.

[56:07] Oh, man.

[56:08] We hear about,

[56:09] quote,

[56:09] throwing a party

[56:10] for a bunch of children

[56:11] while all the while

[56:12] slime was under the building.

[56:15] And learn that the Ghostbusters

[56:16] who are, quote,

[56:17] in control,

[56:18] once called,

[56:19] once called,

[56:20] quote,

[56:21] grabbed their proton packs

[56:22] off their back

[56:23] and they split.

[56:24] No subtlety here.

Stuart Wellington

[56:26] But he also sang

[56:27] that Addams Family rap

[56:28] that's the same shit.

[56:29] I thought that was

[56:29] MC Hammer

[56:30] who did that one.

[56:30] Oh, yeah, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[56:32] About how they kick what they,

[56:33] they do what they want to do

[56:34] and play what they want to play

[56:35] and kick and they stop a friend

[56:37] and family.

Dan McCoy

[56:39] Well, that's the thing.

[56:39] Similarly literal movie songs,

[56:42] Addams Family,

[56:42] Woomp by Tag Team,

[56:44] Addams Groove by MC Hammer,

[56:45] Fat Dance by Prince,

[56:47] Ninja Rap by Vanilla Eyes,

[56:48] Turtle Power by MC Hammer,

[56:49] Men in Black,

[56:50] and Black Suits Coming,

[56:51] Nod Your Head by Will Smith,

[56:53] Wild Wild West by Will Smith,

[56:55] Drew Hill,

[56:55] and Cool Moe Dee,

[56:56] Deepest Bluest by L. Cool Jake.

Elliott Kalan

[56:58] Is that someone's PhD thesis?

[57:00] I think you've got

Dan McCoy

[57:01] City of Crime,

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] the rap song from Dragnet.

[57:05] Went out with the Goonies song.

[57:06] What category does that fall under?

Dan McCoy

[57:07] That is,

[57:08] I would say,

[57:08] the first category.

[57:09] I mean,

[57:09] the Goonies are good enough.

[57:11] Does not say anything

[57:12] about the actual plot of Goonies.

Stuart Wellington

[57:14] Just says the name

[57:15] and identifies them

[57:16] being good enough.

Dan McCoy

[57:18] Anyway,

[57:18] where do you stand on this trend?

[57:20] I can never make up my mind.

[57:21] Many, more or less,

[57:22] all of these songs

[57:22] are embarrassingly bad

[57:24] cash grabs.

[57:24] Some are cashy as hell.

[57:26] Some are good, bad,

[57:27] and even kind of like some of them,

[57:29] particularly MC Hammer's

[57:30] super catchy and super detailed

[57:31] Turtle Power.

[57:32] Why did it stop?

[57:34] I kind of miss

[57:34] these dumb soundtrack tunes

[57:35] and feel they need to be

[57:37] reintroduced

[57:37] for serious,

[57:39] artier films.

[57:40] Maybe get Springsteen

[57:41] to gruffly run through

[57:42] the plot of Winter's Bone.

Elliott Kalan

[57:43] He kind of did that

[57:44] with The Wrestler, right?

[57:45] Yeah,

[57:45] and Philadelphia a little bit.

[57:47] Yeah.

[57:48] Both.

[57:49] I guess Philadelphia,

[57:49] Streets of Philadelphia

[57:50] is not really about AIDS, though.

[57:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:52] Yeah,

[57:52] I'm going to skip to the end

[57:53] because you're wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[57:54] Wait,

[57:54] but doesn't the Turtle Power song

[57:56] mention Raphael

[57:57] as the leader of the group?

[57:58] That's incorrect.

Hallie Haglund

[57:59] Doesn't he mention

[58:00] Heroes in a Half Show?

[58:00] He says he's the coolest one.

Elliott Kalan

[58:02] He is the coolest.

[58:03] Doesn't what?

[58:05] Never mind.

Hallie Haglund

[58:06] I didn't hear what you said.

[58:07] What did you say?

[58:07] I said,

[58:08] doesn't he mention

[58:09] Heroes in a Half Show?

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] Well,

[58:10] that's the theme song.

Hallie Haglund

[58:11] And Turtle Power.

[58:12] No,

[58:12] I thought MC Hammer sang that.

Stuart Wellington

[58:14] I don't think so.

[58:15] Star of the show,

[58:16] Hallie Haglund.

Dan McCoy

[58:18] See,

[58:18] she's slowly revealed herself

[58:20] over time

[58:20] to be the star of the show.

[58:23] That's,

[58:23] you get the drift.

[58:24] There's only a few more sentences

[58:25] and they're not key.

[58:26] Wow.

[58:27] That's Elan.

[58:28] Editing on the fly.

Elliott Kalan

[58:29] That's Elan's letter.

[58:30] Well,

[58:31] I mean,

[58:31] I like a good song

[58:32] that describes the plot of a movie,

[58:34] but they're usually,

[58:35] yeah,

[58:35] like you're saying,

[58:35] not very good songs.

Stuart Wellington

[58:36] I miss the days

[58:36] when you could pop in

[58:37] a VHS cassette of a movie

[58:39] and then after the movie

[58:40] they would show

[58:41] the music video

[58:42] for that song,

[58:43] like famously

[58:44] Dream Warriors

[58:45] by Dokken

[58:46] at the end of

[58:47] Memory and L Street 3.

[58:48] Yeah,

[58:49] where Freddy wakes up

[58:50] and he realizes

[58:50] that he has been haunted

[58:51] by Dokken

[58:52] in his nightmares.

Elliott Kalan

[58:53] Or on Terminator 2

[58:54] on the tape,

[58:55] I think they had

[58:55] that You Could Be Mine video.

Stuart Wellington

[58:56] That's amazing.

[58:57] Yeah.

[58:58] Too much bitch slap rapping.

Dan McCoy

[59:01] That's the problem,

[59:02] guys.

[59:02] I,

[59:03] you know,

[59:03] with my bitch slap rapping

[59:05] and my cocaine ton,

[59:06] I just get nothing.

[59:07] You get nothing done.

Stuart Wellington

[59:08] Yeah.

[59:09] You're a real waste of ammunition.

Dan McCoy

[59:11] About you.

[59:13] Yeah,

[59:13] I like,

[59:14] I like a good song

[59:16] that recaps the plot.

[59:18] Say you fell asleep

[59:19] watching the movie.

[59:20] For sure.

[59:21] Yeah,

[59:21] say that,

[59:22] uh,

[59:22] say that these shadows

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] had offended,

[59:25] uh,

[59:26] and you want to think

[59:26] this,

[59:27] that all's,

[59:28] so all's mended,

[59:28] that,

[59:29] uh,

[59:29] while they appeared

[59:30] you'd just slumber here.

[59:31] Then the song tells you

[59:32] what happened.

Dan McCoy

[59:33] Yeah,

[59:34] they,

[59:34] then you get,

[59:35] uh,

[59:36] then you get

[59:37] Oberon's rap

[59:38] by MC Hammer.

[59:40] Oberon's rap.

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] About casting a curse

[59:43] to spell on his wife

[59:44] to make her fall in love

[59:45] with an ass-headed man.

[59:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:47] That would be.

[59:48] Special guest mustard seed.

Elliott Kalan

[59:50] I totally wish that

[59:51] whenever anyone does

[59:53] a Shakespeare movie

[59:54] they have to put a rap song

[59:56] that recaps the plot

[59:58] at the end of it

[59:59] where all the characters

[1:00:00] are like,

[1:00:01] are now rapping

[1:00:02] and dancing.

[1:00:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:03] And the rappers are like,

[1:00:04] oh,

[1:00:04] there's so many turnabouts

[1:00:05] in this.

[1:00:07] So much cross-dressing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] I don't know if I can.

[1:00:09] The one for,

[1:00:09] like,

[1:00:10] Troilus and Cressida

[1:00:10] and Coriolanus,

[1:00:11] they're like,

[1:00:12] what happened in this again?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] Um,

[1:00:15] so thank you for that.

[1:00:16] Elan last name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] Isn't that a kind of like

Dan McCoy

[1:00:19] antelope or gazelle

[1:00:20] in Elan?

[1:00:21] Elan,

[1:00:21] I think.

Hallie Haglund

[1:00:22] How does he spell it?

[1:00:24] Or she?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:25] Uh,

[1:00:25] it's spelled

[1:00:26] E-L-A-N.

[1:00:29] So,

[1:00:30] Elan?

[1:00:30] It's like,

[1:00:31] no?

[1:00:31] No,

[1:00:32] the pronunciation's spelled out,

[1:00:33] I think.

[1:00:33] Yeah,

[1:00:33] he gave the pronunciation.

[1:00:34] Okay.

[1:00:35] But,

[1:00:36] uh,

[1:00:36] yeah,

[1:00:36] it would be Elan.

[1:00:38] But it's not.

[1:00:38] If it was the word

[1:00:39] that's spelled the same.

[1:00:42] That's,

[1:00:42] uh,

[1:00:43] pronunciation corner

[1:00:44] with all of us.

[1:00:45] Oh,

[1:00:45] we did a great job.

[1:00:47] Continue.

[1:00:48] Uh,

[1:00:49] slave.

[1:00:51] So,

[1:00:52] this is from Joaquin,

[1:00:53] last name with hell.

[1:00:54] Phoenix.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:55] Joaquin Phoenix.

Hallie Haglund

[1:00:56] No,

[1:00:56] don't be shy.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:59] And it says,

[1:01:00] Dear Radio Zork,

[1:01:01] in order to open the door,

[1:01:02] we need to know what it looks like

[1:01:03] with regards to,

[1:01:04] I don't know,

[1:01:05] weird keyholes

[1:01:05] and handles and stuff.

[1:01:07] Therefore,

[1:01:07] I vote that we,

[1:01:09] and he has a prompt sign,

[1:01:10] look at door.

[1:01:12] Look

[1:01:12] at door.

[1:01:15] I'll handle this one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] You see a door.

[1:01:19] So,

[1:01:19] I hope that

[1:01:20] helps you guys.

[1:01:21] Remember,

[1:01:22] your choices are to

[1:01:23] try the key on the door.

[1:01:25] That's A,

[1:01:25] right?

[1:01:26] A,

[1:01:26] to try the key on the door.

[1:01:27] B,

[1:01:27] to turn the knob.

[1:01:28] Or C,

[1:01:29] to push the door

[1:01:30] without using the key.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:31] What about option four?

[1:01:33] What is option four?

[1:01:34] I believe option four is

[1:01:35] wait outside the door

[1:01:36] for another guest to arrive.

[1:01:37] Ah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] that's true.

[1:01:38] There's always that.

[1:01:40] So,

[1:01:40] A,

[1:01:41] B,

[1:01:41] C,

[1:01:41] or four.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:42] Those are your options.

[1:01:44] Uh,

[1:01:44] coincidentally,

[1:01:45] or not so coincidentally,

[1:01:46] since I chose these letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:49] Oh,

[1:01:50] what a spooky coincidence.

[1:01:51] The watchmaker has revealed

[1:01:52] his design.

[1:01:54] Do you want to play

[1:01:55] a little game?

[1:01:56] Truly,

[1:01:57] Dan does not play

[1:01:58] dice with the universe.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:59] The final,

[1:02:00] uh,

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:00] I want to play a little game.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:02] The final letter of the night

[1:02:03] is from Dave,

[1:02:05] last name withheld,

[1:02:07] who writes,

[1:02:07] The letter of the night.

[1:02:08] Da da da da da da da da.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:09] From Dave Navarro.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:11] Yeah.

[1:02:11] Oh.

[1:02:12] You're right.

[1:02:14] Dear Flophousers,

[1:02:15] rejoice.

[1:02:16] Kohlhausers.

[1:02:19] Rejoice.

[1:02:20] For Radio Zork

[1:02:21] already exists.

[1:02:22] Sort of.

[1:02:23] My friend,

[1:02:24] Jared Sorenson,

[1:02:25] is a game designer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] Jared,

[1:02:28] son of sword.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:30] Born on a battlefield.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:32] Sorenson.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] Son of Sauron.

[1:02:34] All right.

[1:02:35] He's a game designer.

[1:02:36] Child of the Dark One.

[1:02:38] A couple of years ago,

[1:02:39] he designed

[1:02:40] Action Castle,

[1:02:42] a party game

[1:02:42] in which a player

[1:02:43] takes on the role

[1:02:44] of a computer

[1:02:45] when you play Zork.

[1:02:46] Placed on the show Castle.

[1:02:48] Gather a group of friends

[1:02:49] and take turns

[1:02:49] issuing commands

[1:02:50] to the parser

[1:02:51] whom the game

[1:02:52] encourages to respond

[1:02:53] in the infuriating,

[1:02:55] literal way

[1:02:55] we all remember

[1:02:56] from classic Zork.

[1:02:57] Huh.

[1:02:57] It's a small game

[1:02:58] that fits on a double-sided

[1:02:59] sheet of paper.

[1:03:00] I've enclosed a link

[1:03:01] to a PDF version

[1:03:02] so you can check it out.

[1:03:03] If you like Action Castle,

[1:03:05] Jared wrote

[1:03:06] six or seven other versions

[1:03:08] with different settings

[1:03:09] including Space Station,

[1:03:10] Spooky Manor,

[1:03:11] Z-Ward,

[1:03:12] a zombie adventure,

[1:03:13] and Action Castle 2.

[1:03:15] Here's the link.

[1:03:15] More Castle-in.

[1:03:16] I hope you all

[1:03:17] get a kick out of it.

[1:03:18] But given Stuart's

[1:03:19] deep-cut tabletop RPG references,

[1:03:22] I suspect he might

[1:03:23] like it the most.

[1:03:25] Stuart,

[1:03:25] you made a Shadowrunner

[1:03:26] reference in one

[1:03:26] of the podcasts

[1:03:27] that included a reference

[1:03:28] to a person not having

[1:03:29] a social identification number,

[1:03:31] a sin.

[1:03:32] Please note that

[1:03:32] at least one shummer

[1:03:33] out here

[1:03:34] knew what you're talking about.

[1:03:35] Watch out for the Gru,

[1:03:37] Dave, last name withheld.

[1:03:38] I printed out Action Castle

[1:03:39] here for Stuart.

[1:03:41] Oh, great.

[1:03:42] So am I going to play this?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:44] Oh, that does look cool.

[1:03:46] How many new yen

[1:03:47] would this cost?

[1:03:48] That's another Shadowrun reference.

[1:03:50] I don't want man

[1:03:50] on all that stuff.

[1:03:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] And, you know,

[1:03:55] my nerdiness is

[1:03:56] it was just in

[1:03:57] the area of being

[1:03:58] socially awkward.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:59] That looks really great.

[1:04:01] That's true.

[1:04:02] I like the font

[1:04:04] that they use

[1:04:04] for the name Action Castle.

[1:04:06] It's spelled out

[1:04:07] with bricks

[1:04:07] and there's a

[1:04:08] wooden door there.

[1:04:12] You know,

[1:04:12] I think I'm...

[1:04:12] It's got it all.

[1:04:13] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:04:14] It's something I would

[1:04:14] want to write a paper with.

[1:04:19] Or at least

[1:04:20] a suicide note.

[1:04:22] I don't need

[1:04:23] these wingdings anymore.

[1:04:24] Let's use

[1:04:25] the Action Castle font.

[1:04:27] Suicide note

[1:04:28] and wingdings.

[1:04:29] If you cared about me,

[1:04:30] you would fucking decipher it.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:32] I guess type it in

[1:04:34] and then convert it

[1:04:35] to another font.

[1:04:37] You're like

[1:04:38] looking through

[1:04:39] all the individual

[1:04:40] wingdings.

[1:04:41] It's a long note, too.

[1:04:42] Oh, boy.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:43] I wish you'd emailed

[1:04:44] this suicide note to me

[1:04:46] and then I could just

[1:04:46] cut and paste.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:49] No, we cut it

[1:04:50] out of a magazine.

[1:04:52] Ransom style.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:54] I can't let anyone know...

[1:04:55] I can't let you know

[1:04:56] whose suicide note this is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:59] You've got wingdings

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:00] out of a magazine.

[1:05:02] Take $30,000.

[1:05:04] Leave it in a bag

[1:05:05] under the bench

[1:05:06] in the park.

[1:05:06] I killed myself.

[1:05:10] Donate all to charity.

[1:05:13] I see a...

[1:05:14] Or you'll never see me again.

[1:05:15] Psych, you never will anyway.

[1:05:16] It's a suicide note.

[1:05:20] So, yeah,

[1:05:21] thank you for that game.

[1:05:23] That's great.

[1:05:23] How many suicide notes

[1:05:24] do you think have psych

[1:05:25] in them?

[1:05:27] Suicide.

[1:05:29] Or like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:29] Star of the TV show,

[1:05:31] Psych.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:32] Or suicide notes

[1:05:32] is like,

[1:05:33] I had a great life,

[1:05:34] I was really happy,

[1:05:35] not from me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:37] When I was growing up,

[1:05:39] I definitely had

[1:05:40] a black T-shirt

[1:05:41] that had,

[1:05:41] in very large

[1:05:44] white letters,

[1:05:44] it just said

[1:05:45] not across it

[1:05:46] and I thought

[1:05:47] it was hilarious.

[1:05:47] I would wear that today.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:49] I wish I had that shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:51] Because you're totally

[1:05:52] a hipster star

[1:05:53] of a podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:58] Allie seems pleased

[1:06:00] by that.

Hallie Haglund

[1:06:01] No, I was just...

[1:06:03] Go on.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] So...

[1:06:08] I cut the sleeves off,

[1:06:10] right?

[1:06:10] No, there's one final...

[1:06:12] What's the final part

[1:06:13] of this thing?

[1:06:13] Final Judgments?

[1:06:14] We did that.

[1:06:14] It was a good,

[1:06:15] great movie.

[1:06:15] We recommend a movie

[1:06:17] that we actually love.

[1:06:18] We talked about music.

[1:06:19] Yep.

[1:06:20] Is there any time?

[1:06:21] Recommend a movie

[1:06:22] that we actually like.

[1:06:23] Unlike the movie

[1:06:24] that was...

[1:06:25] You might even say

[1:06:26] we hate movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:27] But we're not allowed to

Dan McCoy

[1:06:28] because of copyrights.

[1:06:30] Yeah, that's true.

[1:06:31] I'm gonna

[1:06:31] quickly go through this.

[1:06:35] I went to...

[1:06:37] At the film forum,

[1:06:38] they were doing

[1:06:38] a series of double features.

[1:06:40] Did you travel there

[1:06:40] by plane?

[1:06:43] I don't get that joke.

[1:06:45] I'm just fishing.

[1:06:46] Dan is just slowing down the...

[1:06:47] You guys were just complaining about...

[1:06:50] I'm the one slowing

[1:06:51] the podcast down.

[1:06:52] I'm sorry, guys.

[1:06:54] So...

[1:06:54] Dan, did you have popcorn

[1:06:55] while you were there?

[1:06:56] What?

[1:06:57] Why are you doing this?

[1:06:58] Mother of God.

[1:06:59] You guys wanted

[1:07:00] to get out of here.

[1:07:00] I gotta go home

Hallie Haglund

[1:07:01] and buy my not T-shirt.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:05] So...

[1:07:06] You gotta get home

[1:07:07] before the birds come out.

Hallie Haglund

[1:07:08] Oh my God.

[1:07:10] Seriously.

[1:07:10] Anyway.

[1:07:11] I'm scared.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:12] There was a series

[1:07:13] of true crime

[1:07:15] double features

[1:07:15] at the film forum

[1:07:16] and I...

[1:07:17] It was one of these

[1:07:18] cases where I didn't know

[1:07:19] the films that were playing

[1:07:21] but I just sort of

[1:07:21] took a chance on it

[1:07:22] because you figure

[1:07:24] that the programmers there

[1:07:25] know what they're doing

[1:07:26] and you're gonna see

[1:07:26] something interesting.

[1:07:27] And I saw a movie

[1:07:28] that I really enjoyed

[1:07:29] called

[1:07:30] The Phoenix City Story

[1:07:31] which was based on

[1:07:33] the actual story of...

[1:07:36] The Phoenix.

[1:07:36] Phoenix City.

[1:07:37] Greek mythology.

[1:07:38] And Phoenix is spelled

[1:07:39] without an O

[1:07:40] so if you're looking it up

[1:07:41] spell it in a way

[1:07:42] that looks like

[1:07:43] you're misspelling Phoenix.

[1:07:45] But this was a town

[1:07:46] that was notorious

[1:07:49] for having a bunch

[1:07:51] of gambling,

[1:07:52] prostitution,

[1:07:54] associated criminal enterprises

[1:07:56] and it was cleaned up

[1:07:59] by a crusading guy

[1:08:02] who wanted to be

[1:08:02] a district attorney

[1:08:03] who ended up being

[1:08:04] shot down

[1:08:04] in the streets there

[1:08:07] it's a very gritty movie

[1:08:08] it's a surprisingly

[1:08:09] sort of brutal

[1:08:10] film noir

[1:08:11] that I had never

[1:08:12] heard of before

[1:08:12] that involves

[1:08:13] among other things

[1:08:14] a child being killed

[1:08:16] and thrown out of a car

[1:08:17] which you don't expect

[1:08:18] to see in one of these movies.

[1:08:20] Yeah, ever.

[1:08:21] In a modern movie

[1:08:22] you don't expect to see it.

[1:08:24] And it was directed...

Hallie Haglund

[1:08:24] You don't even stare to dream.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:26] It was directed by Phil Carlson

[1:08:30] who is sort of a journeyman director

[1:08:32] who also directed

[1:08:33] Kansas City Confidential

[1:08:35] and he directed

[1:08:36] Walking Tall

[1:08:37] which is interesting to me

[1:08:38] because the Phoenix City story

[1:08:39] is a movie that takes

[1:08:41] a strong stance

[1:08:42] against vigilante justice

[1:08:44] when cleaning up a town

[1:08:46] whereas Walking Tall

[1:08:47] is very much in pro

[1:08:49] in favor of

[1:08:50] walking around

[1:08:51] with a two by four

[1:08:52] and hitting people

[1:08:53] to clean up a town.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:55] The Hacksaw Jim Duggan story.

[1:08:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:57] So the Phoenix City story

[1:08:59] is what I recommend.

[1:09:00] Anyone else?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] Hallie, have you ever

[1:09:03] seen a movie before?

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:04] Yeah.

[1:09:05] I have a recommendation.

[1:09:06] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:07] The notebook comes out.

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:09] Yes.

[1:09:10] I want to recommend

[1:09:11] a movie I saw

[1:09:12] last year

[1:09:13] or I think probably.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:18] Last year

[1:09:19] or I think probably.

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:21] Doesn't matter

[1:09:22] because you're going

[1:09:23] to see it

[1:09:24] not last year.

[1:09:27] The movie

[1:09:28] It's called

[1:09:28] Last Year

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:29] I think probably

[1:09:30] at Mary in Bed.

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:31] It's called

[1:09:32] Only Watch This Movie

[1:09:33] if it's the year

[1:09:34] that you

[1:09:35] Hallie watched it.

[1:09:37] No.

[1:09:38] It's the movie

[1:09:39] We Are the Best

[1:09:40] the Swedish movie

[1:09:41] by Lucas Moodison.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:45] Probably pronounced properly.

Hallie Haglund

[1:09:49] Yeah.

[1:09:51] Yeah.

[1:09:51] Okay.

[1:09:52] So it's about

[1:09:54] these young

[1:09:55] I think they're like

[1:09:56] in junior high

[1:09:58] rockers

[1:09:59] who

[1:09:59] these

[1:10:00] young girls

[1:10:01] who form this

[1:10:02] punk rock band

[1:10:03] and are

[1:10:04] badass

[1:10:05] and the minute

[1:10:06] I saw it

[1:10:07] the

[1:10:07] anyone I knew

[1:10:09] who had like

[1:10:09] a close to

[1:10:11] teenage age girl

[1:10:12] teenage

[1:10:13] yeah

[1:10:13] teenage age girl

[1:10:15] I recommended it

[1:10:16] to you

[1:10:16] because it's just

[1:10:17] like such a

[1:10:18] like

[1:10:19] you never want

[1:10:20] to walk out

[1:10:21] of a movie

[1:10:22] and genuinely

[1:10:23] feel like

[1:10:24] oh that was a

[1:10:25] really feel good

[1:10:25] movie

[1:10:26] because when that

[1:10:27] word even occurs

[1:10:28] to you

[1:10:28] you feel like a

[1:10:29] cliche

[1:10:29] but this was a

[1:10:31] feel good movie

[1:10:31] this was so good

[1:10:32] it's based on a

[1:10:34] graphic novel

[1:10:35] that his wife

[1:10:36] wrote

[1:10:37] Coco Moodison

[1:10:39] I guess

[1:10:40] that's called

[1:10:40] The Gorilla?

[1:10:41] No

[1:10:41] Never Good Night

[1:10:43] it's called

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:43] The Gorilla

[1:10:44] yeah

[1:10:44] she dictated it

[1:10:46] in sign language

[1:10:47] it's mostly about a kitten

Hallie Haglund

[1:10:48] whatever

[1:10:48] I researched this

[1:10:49] I have facts

[1:10:50] to deliver you

[1:10:51] okay

[1:10:52] I have

[1:10:53] okay

[1:10:53] also directed

[1:10:54] Show Me Love

[1:10:56] Fucking Ammo

[1:10:57] together

[1:10:57] Lilia Forever

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:00] Oh he did

[1:11:01] Lilia Forever?

[1:11:04] Yes

[1:11:04] That's a depressing movie

[1:11:05] well that's what I just

[1:11:06] said

[1:11:07] I just said

Hallie Haglund

[1:11:08] he did it

[1:11:09] okay so now

[1:11:09] you legitimized him

[1:11:11] so it's a good movie

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:12] now that I

[1:11:13] a white male

[1:11:14] have said that it's okay

[1:11:15] give my words

Hallie Haglund

[1:11:17] voice Elliot

[1:11:18] so

[1:11:21] we are the best

[1:11:22] I recommend it

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:24] should I go next?

[1:11:26] no I'm gonna go

[1:11:27] hey guys

[1:11:28] it's me Stuart

[1:11:29] I'm gonna recommend

[1:11:31] a movie that

[1:11:31] I'm gonna

[1:11:32] I'll even say

[1:11:33] it's a slightly

[1:11:34] qualified recommendation

[1:11:35] but I

[1:11:36] recently watched

[1:11:38] Ex Machina

[1:11:38] which is a movie

[1:11:39] that came out

[1:11:40] this year

[1:11:40] 2015

[1:11:41] I think

[1:11:42] you weren't sure

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:45] what year it was now?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:46] no

[1:11:46] somebody check on

[1:11:47] your iPhone

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:48] somebody get a penny

[1:11:49] from today

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:49] and it is

[1:11:52] a

[1:11:53] take a picture with it

[1:11:54] it is

[1:11:55] for my

[1:11:57] suicide note

[1:11:58] so

[1:12:00] Ex Machina

[1:12:01] is a

[1:12:02] picture of himself

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:03] with a penny

[1:12:04] and then a page

[1:12:05] of wingdings

[1:12:06] what are we supposed

[1:12:08] to do with this?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:09] I don't know

[1:12:10] but he was

[1:12:10] clearly depressed

[1:12:11] so Ex Machina

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:14] is a

[1:12:15] science fiction

[1:12:16] thriller

[1:12:16] and

[1:12:18] it is a movie

[1:12:18] about a young man

[1:12:20] who works for

[1:12:20] a Google type company

[1:12:22] who gets

[1:12:23] invited to spend

[1:12:24] the weekend

[1:12:25] at a top secret

[1:12:26] research facility

[1:12:28] slash home

[1:12:29] by the head

[1:12:30] of that company

[1:12:30] who is like

[1:12:31] this crazy

[1:12:32] like

[1:12:33] Steve Jobs

[1:12:34] character played

[1:12:35] by Oscar Isaacs

[1:12:36] who has

[1:12:37] probably the best

[1:12:37] bald beard

[1:12:38] action I've seen

[1:12:39] in a long time

[1:12:40] and

[1:12:41] it is

[1:12:42] a

[1:12:43] and

[1:12:44] he

[1:12:44] this

[1:12:45] elusive

[1:12:47] head of this company

[1:12:48] slowly

[1:12:49] introduces

[1:12:49] well not even that slowly

[1:12:51] introduces this young

[1:12:52] contest winner

[1:12:53] to this experiment

[1:12:55] that he's performing

[1:12:56] and

[1:12:57] it is a

[1:12:58] thriller

[1:13:00] that ends up

[1:13:00] not being

[1:13:01] all that thrilling

[1:13:02] at times

[1:13:03] it's not

[1:13:03] it's creepy

[1:13:05] it has a

[1:13:06] pervasive creepiness

[1:13:07] which is true

[1:13:08] but it's not

[1:13:08] I don't think

[1:13:09] it's patient enough

[1:13:10] to really consider it

[1:13:11] like a good thriller

[1:13:12] however

[1:13:13] it is a beautiful movie

[1:13:15] the performances are great

[1:13:17] there's some really great

[1:13:18] scenes including this

[1:13:19] amazing dance scene

[1:13:20] with Oscar Isaac

[1:13:21] and

[1:13:24] it has some

[1:13:25] really great

[1:13:26] gender

[1:13:27] like a really

[1:13:29] interesting commentary

[1:13:30] on gender

[1:13:31] and it's

[1:13:32] yeah

[1:13:32] so I think it's a

[1:13:34] I think it's a really

[1:13:34] great movie

[1:13:35] I mean it

[1:13:35] stuck with me

[1:13:36] it just

[1:13:37] doesn't necessarily

[1:13:39] work as a thriller

[1:13:40] for me

Dan McCoy

[1:13:41] I think I liked it

[1:13:42] a little bit more

[1:13:43] than you

[1:13:43] I would have

[1:13:44] recommended it

[1:13:45] this week

[1:13:46] if I hadn't

[1:13:47] already sort of

[1:13:47] decided on

[1:13:48] what my

[1:13:48] recommendation was

[1:13:49] and

[1:13:50] the main guy

[1:13:51] is

[1:13:51] great

[1:13:52] but

[1:13:53] particularly

[1:13:54] Oscar Isaac

[1:13:55] and the woman

[1:13:56] who does the

[1:13:57] yeah

[1:13:57] I mean that

[1:13:58] Alicia Vikander

[1:13:59] like they're

[1:14:00] that's a breakout

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:00] performance

[1:14:01] it's kind of

[1:14:02] amazing

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:03] I want to

[1:14:05] see that movie

[1:14:05] I haven't

[1:14:06] seen it yet

[1:14:06] I was going to

[1:14:08] recommend

[1:14:08] I wanted to

[1:14:09] recommend a

[1:14:09] religious movie

[1:14:10] to keep in

[1:14:12] theme with

[1:14:12] The Name of the

[1:14:13] Rose

[1:14:13] because even

[1:14:15] though I am

[1:14:15] not a Christian

[1:14:16] I often find

[1:14:17] myself touched

[1:14:18] and inspired by

[1:14:19] overtly Christian

[1:14:20] works of art

[1:14:21] unfortunately

[1:14:22] two of the

[1:14:23] movies that I

[1:14:23] thought of to

[1:14:24] recommend I've

[1:14:24] recommended already

[1:14:25] A Matter of

[1:14:26] Life and Death

[1:14:26] and Winter

[1:14:28] Light

[1:14:28] so I've

[1:14:29] decided this is

[1:14:30] also going to

[1:14:30] be a slightly

[1:14:31] qualified

[1:14:31] recommendation

[1:14:32] because I

[1:14:32] think this

[1:14:32] movie is

[1:14:33] more

[1:14:33] interesting

[1:14:34] than great

[1:14:35] it's like

[1:14:35] not a bad

[1:14:36] movie but

[1:14:37] it's more

[1:14:37] interesting

[1:14:37] than anything

[1:14:38] else

[1:14:38] and it's

[1:14:38] called

[1:14:38] The Next

[1:14:39] Voice You

[1:14:39] Hear

[1:14:40] and it's

[1:14:40] a movie

[1:14:41] from 1950

[1:14:42] where one

[1:14:43] night at

[1:14:44] 830

[1:14:45] God appears

[1:14:46] on the radio

[1:14:47] and just kind

[1:14:48] of talks

[1:14:48] through the radio

[1:14:49] to everyone

Dan McCoy

[1:14:49] on earth

[1:14:50] and he says

[1:14:51] hey what's

[1:14:52] up

[1:14:52] he's like

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:52] hey I'm

[1:14:52] taking requests

[1:14:53] gonna slap

[1:14:55] some platters

[1:14:55] on the matter

[1:14:56] I got a stack

[1:14:57] of black shellac

[1:14:58] and medications

[1:15:00] going out to

Dan McCoy

[1:15:01] Ginny

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:01] in San Diego

[1:15:03] so he's like

[1:15:03] he's an old

[1:15:04] timey radio

[1:15:05] sorry

[1:15:06] going out to

[1:15:06] 100,000 relations

[1:15:08] it's a tsunami

[1:15:08] let's take it away

[1:15:10] but uh

[1:15:10] he uh

[1:15:11] you never hear

[1:15:12] you know what you did

[1:15:13] but you know

[1:15:13] the audience never

[1:15:14] hears what God

[1:15:15] is saying over the radio

[1:15:16] and people are not

[1:15:16] quite sure what's

[1:15:17] going on

[1:15:18] but as opposed

[1:15:18] to left behind

[1:15:19] where you're

[1:15:21] seeing something

[1:15:22] religious has

[1:15:23] taken place

[1:15:23] and the result

[1:15:24] is devastation

[1:15:25] and chaos

[1:15:25] and fire

[1:15:26] this is a much

[1:15:27] more like

[1:15:28] small scale

[1:15:29] and kind of

[1:15:30] calmer

[1:15:30] and contemplative

[1:15:31] movie

[1:15:31] where a family

[1:15:32] and the people

[1:15:33] they know

[1:15:34] are kind of

[1:15:35] trying to wrap

[1:15:35] their heads

[1:15:36] around the idea

[1:15:36] that God

[1:15:37] is actually

[1:15:37] reaching out

[1:15:38] and communicating

[1:15:39] to people

[1:15:39] through this

[1:15:40] very common

[1:15:40] manner of the radio

[1:15:41] and it's like

[1:15:42] uh

[1:15:43] it's not an amazing

[1:15:44] movie

[1:15:44] it's directed

[1:15:44] by William Wellman

[1:15:45] who did direct

[1:15:46] a number of

[1:15:46] amazing movies

[1:15:47] but uh

[1:15:48] but it's an

[1:15:49] interesting movie

[1:15:49] and it's a like

[1:15:50] it's just an

[1:15:51] interesting thing

[1:15:51] to see

[1:15:52] it's the kind

[1:15:52] of movie

[1:15:52] that I

[1:15:53] have trouble

[1:15:54] seeing someone

[1:15:55] making now

[1:15:56] because it's

[1:15:56] both overtly

[1:15:57] religious

[1:15:58] but it's not

[1:15:59] 2012

[1:16:00] you know

[1:16:01] or like

[1:16:02] you know

[1:16:02] it's not apocalyptic

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:03] you know

[1:16:04] and that's called

[1:16:04] Destiny Turns

[1:16:05] on the Radio

[1:16:06] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:07] it's got

[1:16:09] Nancy Travis

[1:16:10] and Gwen Tarantino

[1:16:11] it's called

[1:16:12] The Next Voice

[1:16:13] You Hear

[1:16:13] about as 90s

[1:16:16] as it can get

[1:16:17] yeah

[1:16:18] they're all

[1:16:18] eating

[1:16:19] whatchamacallit

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:20] listening to

[1:16:20] the single

[1:16:21] soundtrack

[1:16:21] hypercolor

[1:16:22] in every scene

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:25] like

[1:16:25] what about

[1:16:26] this president

[1:16:26] Clinton

[1:16:26] huh

[1:16:27] I hope

[1:16:28] he never

[1:16:28] has an

[1:16:28] extra

[1:16:28] marital

[1:16:29] affair

[1:16:29] let's all

[1:16:31] watch

[1:16:31] party

[1:16:31] fun

[1:16:32] hey

[1:16:33] the X-Files

[1:16:33] is on

[1:16:33] and then

[1:16:34] Seinfeld

Dan McCoy

[1:16:34] so guys

[1:16:37] thanks for

[1:16:38] being here

[1:16:39] being a

[1:16:39] friend

[1:16:39] Ali

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:41] starring in

[1:16:41] the podcast

[1:16:42] once again

[1:16:42] as we do

[1:16:43] every week

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:43] thank you

[1:16:44] for having

[1:16:45] me

[1:16:45] as the

[1:16:46] star

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:47] sharing the

[1:16:47] limelight

[1:16:48] with us

[1:16:48] a little bit

[1:16:49] yeah

[1:16:49] you're welcome

[1:16:50] wow

[1:16:52] you don't

[1:16:53] sound like

[1:16:54] I'm welcome

[1:16:54] super dismissive

Dan McCoy

[1:16:55] Ali's already

[1:16:56] calling her Uber

[1:16:57] so we should

[1:16:57] sign off

[1:16:59] for the podcast

[1:17:01] I've been

[1:17:01] Dan McCoy

[1:17:02] I've been

[1:17:03] Stuart Wellington

[1:17:04] I think I'm

[1:17:05] Elliot Kalin

[1:17:06] and the star

Hallie Haglund

[1:17:07] and I'm

[1:17:08] Hallie Haglund

Dan McCoy

[1:17:09] as herself

[1:17:10] good night

[1:17:11] everyone

[1:17:12] bye

[1:17:15] Hallie do you

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:21] want to do

[1:17:22] the intro

Hallie Haglund

[1:17:22] oh

[1:17:23] I don't think

[1:17:25] I'm qualified

[1:17:25] you want to be

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:26] a surprise

[1:17:26] for when you

[1:17:27] announce your

[1:17:29] voice

Hallie Haglund

[1:17:29] with me

[1:17:30] yeah

[1:17:30] you guys do

[1:17:31] the intro

[1:17:31] he he he

Dan McCoy

[1:17:32] alright in

[1:17:33] three two

[1:17:34] hey on this

[1:17:35] episode we

[1:17:36] watched a little

[1:17:37] movie called

[1:17:37] left behind

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:38] no no don't

[1:17:39] leave me behind

[1:17:39] I want to be

[1:17:40] in the episode

[1:17:40] oh boy

[1:17:41] we watched

[1:17:48] and this

[1:17:50] episode

[1:17:50] oh yeah

[1:17:55] mention that

[1:17:55] it's cage

[1:17:56] miss in

[1:17:56] July

[1:17:56] no no we'll

[1:17:57] do that

[1:17:57] jingle bells

Dan McCoy

[1:18:00] on this episode

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:03] it's cage

[1:18:04] miss in

[1:18:05] July

[1:18:07] jingle all

[1:18:09] the way

[1:18:10] ah

[1:18:10] should we do

Dan McCoy

[1:18:13] another one

[1:18:13] yes

[1:18:14] okay

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] did you want to

[1:18:19] say on this

[1:18:20] episode

[1:18:20] no

[1:18:21] should we do

[1:18:23] another one

[1:18:24] sure

[1:18:24] can we just

[1:18:26] keep doing

[1:18:26] these all

[1:18:26] night

[1:18:27] yeah

Ep. #183 - Left Behind

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