The Flop House EXTRA: Best of the First 75 Episodes

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Hey everyone, welcome to a special episode of the podcast.

[0:09] I've compiled with the help of some folks on the Facebook fan group

[0:14] the favorite moments from the first 75 episodes of the Flophouse.

[0:20] Thanks to Jason and Michael McIsaac for pulling a lot of these sound files for me.

[0:26] Actually, all of these sound files for me.

[0:28] We hope you enjoy this special best of.

[0:32] And why not use this to maybe introduce other people into the Flophouse fold?

[0:38] It would be a good way for new fans to sort of get an idea of what the show is all about.

[0:45] So thanks for listening.

[0:51] Sorry, your son has been birthed.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] Now why would he learn by telegram?

[0:54] His son didn't die overseas.

Dan McCoy

[0:56] I just imagine that everyone whose son died, they get a telegram about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Yep.

[1:00] Someone.

[1:01] Somebody from the War Department shows up.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] Well, he was an FBI agent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] Sure.

[1:06] It's not even close.

[1:07] Not even close.

Dan McCoy

[1:08] He used telegrams.

[1:10] But ultimately there was just...

[1:11] Teddygrams?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] I'm sorry.

[1:15] All the World War II wives whose husbands were dreaded those teddy grams.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] We're sorry about your son.

[1:24] Here's some teddy grams.

[1:26] Maybe that'll cheer you up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26] Those chocolates were so gross, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] They're little bear cookies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] Maybe that'll take its place in your heart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Maybe this will ease some of the sting.

[1:38] It's a little cracker.

[1:39] It looks like a bear.

[1:42] Anyway.

[1:43] Oh, God.

[1:43] Thanks, John.

[1:44] I got a lot of teddy grams to give out today.

[1:49] I'll see you later, I guess.

[1:55] Wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57] So he might see her again?

[1:59] I got to see her again.

[2:01] It's a little...

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] It's distasteful to hit on a woman just then, but he knows she's single.

[2:05] He's going to come back with more teddy grams.

Stuart Wellington

[2:08] Catch you on the flip side.

[2:11] I'm not going to die as well as the flip side of me.

[2:14] She's all alone.

Elliott Kalan

[2:14] Oh, she's...

[2:15] Yeah.

[2:15] So it looks like a teddy gram delivery guy can give her...

Dan McCoy

[2:18] Any man who gives her a teddy gram, she's just going to be so grateful.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] Well, that's what it was like in Europe after the war.

[2:25] The occupational soldier just had to give girls teddy grams and they could do whatever they wanted.

[2:29] Yeah, I didn't know that.

[2:30] It's a teddy gram-based economy.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] Let's make it clear that the killer initially...

[2:37] Looked like Charles Manson.

[2:38] Looks like Charles Manson.

[2:38] This is a high school teacher.

Stuart Wellington

[2:40] Or Jim Cavizio in Cash, Mother Christ.

[2:42] Yeah, like everybody's high school teacher.

[2:44] But he looks like a crazy bum killer.

Elliott Kalan

[2:46] Yeah, like everybody's high school gym teacher or science teacher.

[2:49] He looks like he crawled out from under the boardwalk and then got to class, taught you,

[2:55] and then went to a crack house.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] And then hung out with Brian Wilson and killed a bunch of people.

Elliott Kalan

[3:00] But he gets into a men's hospital.

[3:03] They shave off his crazy hair and beard and he escapes looking like a shorn person.

[3:09] But the cops, the picture they're working off of is still his mugshot from three years ago

[3:13] with the hair and the beard.

[3:15] And every time they show it to people, they're like, no, haven't seen this guy.

Stuart Wellington

[3:19] Haven't seen that guy wearing the ski mask and the cowboy hat.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] Yeah, I was saying that I wanted, like there's a point at which one of the teens like sees

[3:28] and is like, there's something about that guy that rings a bell.

[3:31] And I wanted a scene where she somehow gets like...

[3:34] Was that Columbo?

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:37] Just one more thing.

[3:39] But like I wanted a scene where she somehow got a hold of a photo of the guy and then she

[3:44] like drew like a beard on him and a mustache.

[3:46] I'm like, holy shit.

[3:48] Or like some like novelty, like mustache and beard sticker like got put on that.

[3:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] The picture actually falls into a, into a Wooly Willie magnet and metal shavings toy.

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] And she arranges the beer around it.

[4:01] Or she's standing across a crowded room from the guy.

[4:04] The guy turns toward her and somebody else hands like a phony beard and mustache to a

[4:09] friend across her line of vision.

[4:12] She's, she's behind a plate glass window.

Dan McCoy

[4:15] For a moment.

Dan McCoy

[4:15] Some joker's like, look what happens when I draw.

[4:18] Looks like that guy's a mustache and a beard.

Elliott Kalan

[4:20] Wait a minute.

[4:21] He, he enters a manson lookalike contest and puts on a fake beard.

[4:25] Has there ever been a, has there ever been a joke in a TV show where there's a, where

[4:28] there's a police sketch artist using a Wooly Willie to put together sketches of criminals?

[4:33] I think so.

[4:34] Oh, that sounds like it.

[4:35] That's a funny joke.

[4:36] Sounds like a family guy joke.

[4:37] Yeah, you're right.

[4:38] Now I hate it.

[4:39] Burn.

[4:40] He's a house guy.

[4:41] She played queen amygdala.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] She, she had babies.

[4:45] Darth Vader's baby.

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] Yeah.

[4:46] And then she died out of a lack of will to live.

[4:48] That was so, it's like she lost the will to live.

[4:51] And I got so mad because I was like, what about her fucking kids she just had?

Stuart Wellington

[4:54] Second of all, like a robot?

[4:56] Like what was that?

[4:57] Like Amelie?

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] I do love that the robot, there's a nurse bot that knows human emotion better than the

[5:02] Jedi's do.

[5:03] Like that scene would have worked so much better if she died and the nurse bot was like, I

[5:07] don't understand.

[5:08] Her vital signs are fine.

[5:09] And someone said, she just lost the will to live.

[5:12] And the robot's like, huh?

[5:13] And looks confused.

[5:14] And then melts.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] And then melts out of a logic loop.

[5:17] Yeah.

[5:17] Shooting out sparks out of her teeth.

[5:18] It's just like the Kobayashi Maru.

Dan McCoy

[5:20] Or if there's a later scene where you see the robot at home where the robot's like, I didn't

[5:25] have the heart to tell them I never passed my robot medical exam.

Elliott Kalan

[5:29] I've been practicing without a robot license.

[5:32] Oh, I lost the will to live.

[5:34] I guess that's really because they're bleeding all over the place.

[5:36] Is that really what?

[5:37] Man, 15 of your patients lost the will to live this week.

[5:41] It's terrible.

[5:42] You got the worst luck, nurse bot.

[5:44] Yeah, I know.

[5:46] Pretty bad, huh?

[5:47] Beep, beep, boop, boop.

[5:48] Oh, rats.

[5:51] Now it's someone just pretending to be a robot.

[5:53] Yeah.

[5:53] Bantha poodoo.

[5:56] No Java wonga.

[5:58] Roar!

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] Man, we could do that forever.

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] Any occupation that you can rhyme things with.

[6:05] Why don't you do it at home, listeners?

Dan McCoy

[6:06] Yeah, that's how you do the formation of the jet, right?

[6:08] Think up an inappropriate occupation.

[6:11] And then reverse engineer a title.

[6:14] Like Penis Gobbler.

[6:16] That would be Mr. McGobblers.

[6:18] No, that doesn't make sense.

[6:20] Mr. Menis Gobblers.

[6:22] Mr. Mark Knopfler's Penis Gobblers.

[6:24] Exactly.

[6:25] Which is a great album.

[6:27] You should buy it.

[6:29] Maybe for your dad for Christmas.

[6:31] I think your dad enjoys the smooth sounds of Mark Knopfler.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] The Dire Straits album, Penis Gobblers.

Dan McCoy

[6:38] Oh, dear.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] We do have fun.

[6:40] This was supposed to be called I Still Want My MTV.

[6:42] Why did you?

[6:43] Who made this unauthorized title change?

[6:46] Mr. Knopfler, right?

[6:47] Well, we didn't expect you to come down here, sir.

[6:50] We were just screwing around, but we were just fooling around with Photoshop.

Stuart Wellington

[6:54] And, well, we accidentally had saved.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] And by then, the system was in charge.

[7:00] It was too late.

[7:02] He's a house cat.

[7:02] I don't know if he was out.

Dan McCoy

[7:15] I don't think he had a hit out on Han Solo.

[7:17] I mean, he did.

[7:18] He was more of a bounty hunter.

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] He was a bounty hunter, but he would kill.

[7:21] Yeah, I guess.

[7:21] You have to assume he killed plenty.

[7:23] I mean, it is the Star Wars universe, so probably everyone shot at him first, but he did kill

[7:26] them.

[7:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:28] Then he got eaten by a giant anus in the ground.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] Yeah, but in the books, he's escaped from that, so it's okay.

[7:33] Thanks, Timothy Zahn.

[7:34] That was the one moment in Return of the Jedi where it felt like David Cronenberg had started

[7:39] directing the film.

[7:40] Wait, there's a giant anus that eats people in the middle of the desert?

[7:43] Just in the ground somewhere?

[7:45] I don't understand.

[7:46] I think it burps after eating both of that, too, right?

[7:49] Which implies that it has a stomach and a throat, everything.

[7:53] And it has a sense of comic timing.

[7:57] I want to tell you one thing about that Sarlacc.

[7:59] It also burps really fast, considering that it slowly...

Dan McCoy

[8:04] It digests over...

[8:05] Over thousands of years.

[8:06] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[8:06] Everything in Return of the Jedi burps after eating.

[8:09] Jabba the head eats a frog, burps.

[8:11] That little thing that sticks out of the desert ground, zaps a bug with its tongue, burps.

Dan McCoy

[8:15] They were talking about Salacious Crumb.

[8:17] Salacious Crumb doesn't burp.

Elliott Kalan

[8:18] He would have used the name.

[8:18] He just laughed.

[8:19] I trust Elliot on that one.

[8:20] Thank you.

[8:21] This was...

[8:21] We were doing...

[8:22] It worked today.

[8:23] We were doing Jack Nicholson impressions of...

Dan McCoy

[8:24] Egg Rebo, Sice Noodles, Will Burp.

Elliott Kalan

[8:26] They're all there.

[8:27] Rancor, probably.

[8:29] I don't remember.

[8:29] A Man-A-Man, Yak-Man.

[8:32] They're all...

[8:33] I wish I could remember the name of the Rancor Keeper, but I forgot his name.

Stuart Wellington

[8:37] Admiral Ackbar, probably.

[8:39] I don't fucking care.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] We were doing Jack Nicholson in other roles today.

[8:44] So it was like Jack Nicholson in other things, and I...

[8:47] Chief Chirpa.

[8:48] And my contribution to that was Jack Nicholson as Bib Fortuna.

[8:52] Just...

[8:52] No Jabba Wonga.

[8:55] You know, that kind of thing.

[8:55] Sure.

[8:57] Hey, man.

[8:58] No...

[8:58] Jabba Nobata.

[9:02] And again, my favorite thing in Return of the Jedi, they create Huttys as a language,

[9:06] and the Huttys phrase for Jedi Mind Trick is Jedi Mind Trick.

[9:10] Huttys does not have a word for mind or for trick.

[9:13] Look...

[9:14] The great mobster race of the universe has no word for trick.

[9:18] I don't know.

[9:19] I mean, like...

Dan McCoy

[9:20] That makes sense to me.

[9:21] It's like in France, where they're like, the blue jeans, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] But blue jeans are an invention that was brought to them.

[9:27] It's not a common everyday thing, like tricking stuff.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] Well, you know, like, Jedi's are not common in the Hutt.

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] No, it's not Jedi that I have such an issue with.

[9:34] It's Mind Trick.

[9:36] Oh, I see.

[9:36] So they've never referred to their minds or tricking.

Stuart Wellington

[9:39] Maybe they say Mind Trick because they give no credence to it.

[9:43] They think it's bullshit.

[9:44] They're trying to, like, lessen it in the eyes of their race.

[9:46] Oh, maybe.

[9:48] Anyway, this is off topic.

Elliott Kalan

[9:49] Really?

[9:50] I'm just...

[9:50] Hitmen are just so...

Dan McCoy

[9:52] We didn't watch Return of the Jedi tonight?

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] Here's my problem.

[9:56] The Ewoks are so technologically primitive.

[9:59] How could they...

[10:00] The Zulu Wars show us that...

[10:02] What I don't understand is how...

[10:03] Clearly, the Ewoks are the Vietnamese.

[10:05] There's that one moment in that movie where the one Ewok...

[10:07] It was a war of attrition that took a day and a half.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] That was the problem with the Imperial Army.

[10:12] There's that one moment where the one Ewok looks to the other guy when C-3PO says some bullshit.

[10:17] And the one Ewok looks to his friend and goes, that guy's wise.

[10:20] And you're like, holy shit, he just spoke English for a second.

Elliott Kalan

[10:23] What's going on there?

[10:24] I don't remember that part.

[10:25] You need to watch it again.

[10:26] I promise you.

[10:26] I usually stop watching Return of the Jedi after they get away from Jabba's Palace.

[10:29] Yeah, that's the best part.

[10:30] Whoa!

Stuart Wellington

[10:32] Wait, Keith?

[10:33] Keith Sutherland?

[10:34] Keith or Sutherland.

Elliott Kalan

[10:36] Son of Don Al Sutherland.

Stuart Wellington

[10:38] He's been a little typecast lately, ever since he was on that 24 Hours show.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] Ever since he's been a successful actor on a successful television show, he's been typecast.

[10:47] Yeah, everybody thinks...

[10:48] 24 Hours.

Stuart Wellington

[10:49] Everybody thinks that he's always this hard-nosed FBI agent guy who's only got 24 hours to live or something.

[10:57] He's got to spend a lot of time talking on the phone.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] It'd be great if that was the premise, and then by the fourth season it's like, you only have 24 hours to live.

[11:04] Again?

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] It's like, Mr. President, I'm going to need the antidote right away.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] Nope, not until you finish the case.

Stuart Wellington

[11:11] You can't do that this time, Keith Sutherland.

[11:16] Wait, so his character is named Keith Sutherland?

Elliott Kalan

[11:20] It's a French.

[11:20] Yeah, it's hard.

Dan McCoy

[11:22] It's acting, Dan.

[11:23] It's like Jerry Seinfeld playing himself.

Elliott Kalan

[11:25] Oh, man.

[11:26] When he played Jeremy Seinfeld.

[11:29] He's the house guy.

Stuart Wellington

[11:30] So, I was kind of hoping this would also follow the trend of having a great twist and being really gory and awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] I mean, it had a great twist.

[11:37] He's stuck in the mirror at the end.

[11:39] Wait, what?

[11:40] He gets trapped in the mirror, and that's why the writing is backwards.

[11:45] Come on, what are you talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] Wait, that's why the writing was backwards?

[11:49] Yes, because he's trapped in the mirror.

[11:50] I thought, like, the rock hit him on the head and he was retarded or something.

[11:53] No.

[11:54] That would be a very different understanding of the film.

[11:57] I was going to say, because that was really sad.

[11:58] Yeah.

[12:01] How's he going to support his family?

[12:02] It's like flowers for Algernon.

Elliott Kalan

[12:04] Yeah, it's exactly like flowers for Algernon.

[12:07] I mean, it was better than normal in the movies we've seen.

[12:12] I mean, wait, like, compared to what?

[12:14] Like, compared to what?

[12:15] Mirrors?

Dan McCoy

[12:15] Yeah, basically.

[12:16] Well, yeah, that's fair.

[12:17] But that didn't make it good.

[12:19] But mirrors are that great twist ending, so that made everything okay.

[12:22] What?

[12:24] Twist ending at the end of mirrors.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] You know, where he ends up stuck in the mirror world.

[12:28] Wait, what movie was this?

Dan McCoy

[12:30] This is in mirrors.

[12:31] What?

Stuart Wellington

[12:31] It's Keeper Sutherland.

[12:32] Keeper Sutherland.

[12:33] I watched, wait.

[12:34] In that movie?

[12:35] That happened?

[12:35] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[12:36] At the end of that, he ends up in a mirror world.

[12:37] He's stuck in the mirror.

[12:39] What are you talking about?

[12:41] It's the twist ending.

Stuart Wellington

[12:42] Get out of here.

[12:43] That didn't happen.

[12:44] Roll out!

[12:46] It's not like turning your car into, like, a flying dinosaur monster.

[12:49] It's...

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] No.

[12:50] They do briefly go into a mirror world.

[12:53] Which was...

[12:54] Where the Yahoo sign in time squares backwards.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] Yeah.

[12:57] Wait, what?

[12:58] Keeper Sutherland in the movie Mirrors.

[13:00] At the end of the movie, he goes into a mirror world.

[13:03] What are you talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] No, no.

[13:04] He gets trapped in the mirror world.

[13:07] For real?

[13:08] Yeah.

[13:08] Just get out of here.

[13:09] Get out of here.

[13:13] While she was filling out a form, a guy went,

[13:15] Excuse me.

[13:15] You were supposed to have a press pass for me.

[13:17] I'm from aquafan.blogspot.com.

[13:20] I guess an Aquaman fan site or something like that.

[13:22] And she goes, Oh, well, can you spell that out?

[13:24] We'll get the paperwork for you together.

[13:26] Not a high bar set for the press at Comic-Con.

Dan McCoy

[13:30] So, everyone out there, go to aquafan.blogspot.com.

[13:35] I may have forgotten the URL.

[13:36] Nice advertising, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] Let's see if that's a real URL, yeah.

[13:39] Okay, let's see.

[13:41] Aquafan.

[13:42] Okay, it looks like aquafan.blogspot.com is underwater sex experience.

[13:50] Huh.

[13:51] Has anyone tried it yet?

[13:53] There's only one post here, guys.

[13:55] And it's just asking if anybody's had sex underwater and if it was awesome or something.

[14:00] Yeah, this is really weird.

[14:02] We're out!

Dan McCoy

[14:03] Hey, everyone.

[14:04] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[14:06] I'm Dan McCoy.

[14:07] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[14:09] I'm Elliot Kalin, don't you know?

[14:10] So, guys, I don't know about you guys, but I had a really exciting weekend last weekend.

[14:15] Oh, what happened?

[14:16] You know, I went upstate to a sculpture garden.

[14:19] Oh, that sounds cool.

[14:20] And I bought some new shoes in an outlet mall.

[14:23] Oh, nice.

[14:23] You got a good deal on those?

[14:24] Yeah.

[14:24] Yeah, just really exciting.

[14:26] Stuart, I bet you did something exciting.

[14:28] I had a lot of sex.

[14:29] That's always fun.

[14:31] Yeah, it was really good.

Stuart Wellington

[14:32] I was spent totally.

[14:34] Wow.

[14:35] Yeah, it was crazy.

[14:36] I had to stop and drink some Gatorade in the middle.

[14:38] That's memorable.

[14:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:40] But, Elliot, don't worry about it.

[14:41] I think the thing is going to work out for you at some point.

[14:43] Yeah, I didn't have such a great weekend.

[14:45] Just out of curiosity, what did you do last weekend?

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] Not a lot.

[14:51] Danielle and I were out of town, just kind of visiting friends.

[14:55] I won the 2009 Emmy for Best Writing for a Comedy, Musical, or Variety program.

[15:00] And then I finished Alan Moore's Voice of the Fire.

Dan McCoy

[15:04] I think we're going to take you back.

[15:05] That was pretty good.

[15:07] So before the Alan Moore thing, just like step back a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] Oh, you've read Voice of the Fire already?

Dan McCoy

[15:11] No, no.

[15:12] We'll talk about that later.

[15:13] But the thing before that, what were you saying?

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Well, we were out of town.

[15:17] We were visiting some friends.

[15:18] No, but later than that.

[15:19] People we knew from college, Danielle's sister and her boyfriend.

[15:23] Who's Danielle again?

Stuart Wellington

[15:25] My fiancée.

[15:26] Oh, okay.

[15:26] Yeah.

[15:27] That makes a lot more sense, because I thought you were just mispronouncing Dan's name.

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] No, no.

[15:30] Dan had quite a weekend.

[15:33] Yeah.

[15:34] He got the shoes.

[15:35] But no, I think there was something upstate.

[15:37] In between.

[15:38] It's pretty good.

[15:39] Yeah.

[15:39] That you did.

[15:40] I don't think.

[15:42] We were out of town, visited some friends, won an Emmy.

[15:47] Finished the Alan Moore book.

Dan McCoy

[15:48] No, that's where I'm going to stop you.

[15:49] Came back into town.

[15:50] Because I think, it seems to me that winning an Emmy.

[15:54] Wait, what's an Emmy?

[15:55] Wait.

[15:55] Be considerate.

[15:56] An Emmy?

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] It's not.

[15:57] An Emmy?

[15:57] No, an Emmy.

[15:58] It's an award.

[15:59] It's the highest award in television.

[16:01] It doesn't really mean anything.

Stuart Wellington

[16:02] Higher than a daytime Emmy?

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] Well, they're the same award, but for different levels of programming.

[16:08] Again, same award for different types of programming.

Stuart Wellington

[16:11] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[16:12] Mine happened to be a primetime Emmy, which means, like, you know, we went on.

[16:16] Dewey Houser was the host, and we went on stage, and I was on television, and there's a picture

[16:19] of me and Hollywood Reporter with my boss, and, you know, talked to the press a little

[16:23] bit.

[16:24] You know, these things happen.

[16:25] It's work, you know?

[16:26] Another day, another dollar.

Dan McCoy

[16:27] Well, I guess I'm just going to throw out those shoes, then.

[16:31] Yeah.

[16:31] Shoes that I bought.

[16:32] No, those are good shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] I want to hear about this story.

[16:34] No.

[16:35] No.

[16:35] So, what kind of, you said they were patent leather.

[16:38] What color are they, those shoes?

[16:39] So, Elliot, I noticed.

Dan McCoy

[16:40] Shoes insoles?

[16:41] I noticed that you're wearing your Emmy around your neck.

[16:44] Yeah, it's a little heavy.

[16:46] And Flava Flav style.

[16:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] Well, I.

[16:48] Is that the world she's holding up?

[16:51] Well, I think it represents an atom with electrons going around, because television is

[16:55] the harnessing of the electron to see images.

[16:58] I mean, it was designed in the late 40s.

[17:01] So, you know, it has those kinds of, this kind of art deco styling.

[17:03] So, she's not like a weird, like, Atlas, Atlas figure.

[17:05] No, no.

[17:05] And she's kind of like an angel with lightning bolt wings giving, and those are sharp, watch

[17:09] out, holding the atom out in the electron.

[17:13] It's a beautiful piece of work.

[17:14] Anyway, so these shoes.

[17:16] Yeah.

[17:17] That sounds amazing.

Dan McCoy

[17:20] Probably wear them to your wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[17:22] Yeah, next year.

[17:23] I mean, it's been kind of a humdrum summer for me.

[17:27] I got engaged.

[17:28] Then a couple months later, I won an Emmy.

[17:30] Stuart, you said you were doing it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[17:31] Yeah, I had a lot of sex.

[17:32] I shot an assault rifle.

[17:34] Got a tattoo.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] Pretty good.

[17:36] Yeah.

[17:37] These shoes are just going lower and lower.

Elliott Kalan

[17:39] No, I mean, are they the ones you're wearing now?

[17:41] Those look nice.

Dan McCoy

[17:42] Yeah, I'm just going to throw these out.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Maybe we can.

[17:46] Oh, those are like the Great Bikini Off-Road Adventures.

[17:48] That was, I think, too new a movie to show up all night.

Dan McCoy

[17:53] Should we just stick to these bad movies and their recommendations for the week?

Elliott Kalan

[17:57] The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure implies there's an adventure in the film.

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] Yeah, it's a great movie.

[18:01] Which there is, of course, none of.

[18:03] Yeah, but there's, you know, there's bikinis and there's topless chicks.

[18:07] That's true.

[18:07] And they do go off-road quite a bit.

[18:09] There's some wise Native American dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] That is the trope of there's one woman and he keeps losing her top and then the wise Native American collects them and returns them.

[18:17] Yeah, Willie Talsall.

[18:19] That's the character's name.

[18:20] I forgot that was his name.

[18:22] Isn't there like a bikini traffic school?

[18:24] Yes, I think.

[18:25] I haven't seen it.

Dan McCoy

[18:26] I saw that one.

[18:27] I don't understand.

[18:28] That was one I didn't get because it seemed like a traffic school in the sense that it was related somehow to city government.

[18:35] It wasn't like a private organization.

[18:37] But it still had that plot where land developers wanted to take it over and they had to turn it into a bikini organization to save it.

[18:45] And I'm like, this is not a profit business doing a traffic school.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] You guys remember the great – it was like the stand-up comedy boom of the 80s, the bikini business boom when there were just bikini businesses springing up all over the country.

[18:55] Yeah, sure.

[18:56] Bikini car washes, bikini bistros, bikini hotels, bikini airlines.

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] And there was also that boom in evil land developers.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Around the same time.

Stuart Wellington

[19:05] Yeah, who were always trying to shut mom and pop organizations down.

[19:08] Or community centers.

Elliott Kalan

[19:10] Yeah.

[19:10] For some reason, the economy at that point just favored bikinis and evil land developers.

[19:14] Oh, yeah.

[19:15] That's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[19:15] Yeah, I don't know what it is like.

[19:17] Despite – I'm an adult.

[19:20] But still, if one of those bikini movies comes on, I'll look around and actually kind of feel like I'm doing something wrong.

[19:27] Like my parents might walk in and catch me.

[19:29] And I've seen actual pornography.

[19:31] Right.

[19:32] And you don't ever feel – you don't care if your parents walk in and see you watching that.

[19:36] No, because, I mean, most of it's pornography featuring dead bodies and stuff.

[19:40] So it's not like it's real pornography.

Dan McCoy

[19:42] Even as a grown adult, I also prefer –

[19:46] It's a crazy thing to say.

[19:50] Prefer like the silly TNA comedies to like other forms of like bad softcore.

[19:56] No, well, there's a lightness to it.

[19:58] Because, yeah, well, I mean, as someone who grew up, you know, staying up secretly to watch whatever, you know, like –

[20:06] Pornography.

[20:06] So many –

[20:07] Yeah, whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[20:08] It wasn't Charlie Rose that you were staying up to see.

[20:12] Someone who stayed up to see Live at the Apollo.

[20:14] Sometimes they did stay up to see Charlie Rose.

Dan McCoy

[20:16] But so many of the like softcore erotic thrillers are about a guy out there who's killing strippers.

[20:23] Yeah, and that's not so fun.

[20:24] And that's like unsexy on two levels.

[20:26] Number one, like, you know, strippers, it's fine.

[20:29] Like, it's good.

[20:30] I'm still seeing someone who's naked.

[20:32] But it's like the least sexy version of that because you're like, okay, well, I'm watching a movie about someone whose job is to take their clothes off.

[20:41] It's not like I'm seeing characters who I wouldn't normally see naked.

[20:45] Like, it's like, okay, these are characters who – this is their job to be naked and then they get killed.

[20:49] Like, that doesn't add any – I don't –

[20:51] So you're saying you wouldn't be turned on by a movie about naked cave women.

Stuart Wellington

[20:55] Right.

[20:56] Because that's kind of their job to be naked, right?

Elliott Kalan

[20:58] No, it's not their job to be naked.

[20:59] I mean, they don't really have a job.

Stuart Wellington

[21:01] Like, they don't like put on like – take a briefcase and go somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] There's a difference between unhappily being paid to take your clothes off and not yet having knowledge of clothes.

[21:10] How do you know they're not happy about it?

[21:10] I'm saying – yeah, I'm saying that like –

[21:13] Cave women.

[21:15] Who would he be on Night Court?

[21:17] The bailiff?

[21:18] Not the bailiff.

[21:19] Yeah, he's not.

[21:19] The global.

[21:20] Yeah, yeah, Mac.

[21:21] That's who you'd be.

[21:22] Wait, would I get to be –

[21:23] No.

Stuart Wellington

[21:23] You'd be Harry and I'd be John Larroquette, right?

[21:25] Yeah, of course.

[21:26] Game feeling, sure.

[21:27] Of course.

[21:27] That sounds awesome.

[21:27] Yeah.

[21:28] I'd be okay being Mac.

[21:29] Can we go do that?

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] Yes.

[21:31] You literally –

[21:32] How?

[21:33] Yeah, I'll start up the holodeck.

[21:35] We could have our Night Court adventure.

[21:38] Can we do that?

[21:40] What does that even mean?

[21:42] Is some dude with a Tommy gun going to show up and just say,

[21:44] It's a holodeck?

[21:46] Yeah.

[21:46] A Tommy gun or, you know, Sherlock Holmes or something.

[21:50] World adventure.

[21:51] No, no, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:52] World adventure.

Dan McCoy

[21:54] By the way, do not start up the holodeck because Moriarty is going to figure out some way of getting off the holodeck.

[22:00] Oh, it'll be becoming real.

[22:01] And ruining everything.

Elliott Kalan

[22:02] Oh, man.

[22:05] What does it mean?

[22:06] I don't know what you're asking.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] Stuart wants someone to build us a Night Court set.

[22:13] And we would get some old Night Court scripts, I think.

[22:16] And we would just live inside Night Court.

[22:18] That sounds good.

[22:19] Forever.

[22:20] That was good.

[22:21] Oh, man.

[22:21] I needed that one.

[22:22] So, Night Court.

[22:24] So, to sum up.

[22:25] Nice, Night Court.

[22:25] This one's for you.

[22:27] To sum up, our new tagline is, kind of like Night Court.

[22:31] Wish it was Night Court.

[22:32] Yeah.

[22:33] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[22:35] Wait.

[22:36] Do you do magic?

[22:39] I don't, but I could learn it if it meant I could be Judge Harry.

[22:41] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:44] It's too bad Mel Tome is the past.

[22:47] We could get him on the Flophouse.

[22:48] He'd just like Night Court.

[22:50] Oh, yeah.

[22:50] Because he was often on Night Court.

[22:52] He guessed it a few times.

[22:54] Anyway, this one's called, this letter is called.

[22:57] I bet we could get Yakov Smirnov.

[22:59] We probably could get a, what's-her-face?

[23:03] Marky Post?

[23:04] Marky Post.

[23:05] You know, if we had a, we got a grand together.

[23:08] If we scraped a grand together, we could probably get Marky Post.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] Yeah, but I want to pay for Cinderella to play at my 30th birthday.

[23:15] So, that's where my grand's going.

[23:19] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[23:21] What was your reaction to the fact that all the angels could get easily mowed down by machine guns in the Legion trailer?

[23:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] And indeed, the Legion film.

[23:30] They are the weakest, most unintimidating angels.

[23:34] And it mainly, one of us would interview the other about how to kill angels.

Stuart Wellington

[23:39] These angels are so weak.

[23:40] I mean, they've got to be really smart or something, right?

[23:42] No, they're actually dumber than normal people.

[23:44] Okay.

[23:45] Are they really tall?

[23:46] Are they like superhumanly tall?

[23:48] Average height is about 5'3".

[23:49] Do they have claws on their hands?

[23:51] No.

[23:51] Or regular fingers?

[23:52] They're actually missing some fingers.

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] Okay.

[23:54] Can they like breathe fire or shoot lasers out of their eyes?

[23:56] They have asthma and poor eyesight.

[23:59] And so on.

[23:59] And so forth.

[24:00] Like, yeah, but you could probably stop them.

[24:02] You need like a magic bullet or something, right?

[24:03] No, no, no.

[24:04] Regular bullets.

[24:05] That does the job.

Stuart Wellington

[24:06] Regular bullets actually cause more damage to them than if they were actual humans.

[24:11] But they're super strong, right?

[24:13] No, no.

[24:13] The gravity of Earth is much higher than in heaven.

[24:16] So they're weaker than, I don't know, a 14-year-old child.

[24:19] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] I get it.

[24:20] But like, they can jump really high.

Stuart Wellington

[24:22] No, once again, they gave up their wings and they've never had to use their legs.

[24:27] So they're not very good at jumping.

Dan McCoy

[24:29] I mean, and this was the joke, having not seen the film.

[24:32] But having seen the film, it's pretty accurate.

Elliott Kalan

[24:34] So accurate.

[24:35] It's like an army of angels is going to attack us.

[24:38] They're just going to, but they're basically zombies.

[24:40] So we'll just mow them down as they bump into things.

Dan McCoy

[24:42] Yeah, wave after wave of angels from heaven being killed by guns.

Stuart Wellington

[24:47] It's not just that they're zombies, because zombies would continue to go toward the heroes.

[24:52] But most of them stand at the edge of vision to be shot at and make pretty good targets.

[24:57] And the zombie would have to at least hit their brain.

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] Whereas with these guys, it can be a glancing blow.

[25:02] Maybe they just heard a gun go off and they died.

Dan McCoy

[25:05] Oh, and by the way, these angels somehow cannot breach the perimeter of a diner, of a desert diner.

[25:11] They can't come in through the...

[25:13] The back door?

[25:14] The doors that...

[25:15] No, they put a table in front of that door.

[25:18] That's a sturdy table.

Stuart Wellington

[25:20] Oh, yeah.

[25:20] It's a diner-level table.

[25:22] That's old-time crap.

[25:23] And windows that aren't boarded up or covered.

[25:25] Yeah.

[25:25] I mean, they're made out of glass with the blinds drawn.

Dan McCoy

[25:28] Wow!

Stuart Wellington

[25:30] Nice.

[25:30] It was through the porthole of time.

Elliott Kalan

[25:32] Through the porthole of time.

[25:35] Not the portal of time.

[25:37] The porthole of time.

[25:38] We're in the time boat.

[25:41] Yeah.

[25:41] They're on a cruise.

[25:43] They're on a cruise that goes around the Caribbean and through time.

[25:47] Well, not only do you go out through the porthole.

[25:49] All right.

[25:50] Stay on the boat.

[25:51] The captain asked me to give you a quick word of advice about your cabin.

[25:55] You are the one cabin that has the porthole of time.

[25:57] Please don't go through it.

[25:59] Because you'll end up in time.

[26:02] That's just...

[26:03] Otherwise, enjoy it.

[26:04] We've got the spa on deck two.

[26:06] Shuffle...

[26:07] You know what?

[26:07] Here's two free...

[26:08] Again.

[26:08] Here's two free spa coupons.

[26:10] Just don't open the porthole of time, please.

Dan McCoy

[26:11] I cannot emphasize this enough.

[26:13] Do not go through the porthole of time.

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] Let me just tell you that again.

[26:16] I don't know why you'd go through a porthole at all.

[26:19] There's so much to do on the ship.

[26:21] I don't know why you'd try to leave it.

[26:23] But just this particular porthole.

[26:24] Buffets.

[26:25] They have buffets on the ship.

[26:26] Midnight buffet every night.

[26:28] And you don't have to stay up late.

[26:29] An adult's only dance.

[26:30] Because it starts at 11.

Dan McCoy

[26:31] If you do happen to fall out the porthole of time...

[26:32] Put the kids to bed.

[26:34] Do not step on a butterfly.

[26:36] Please do not drop any shuffleboard equipment in the...

Elliott Kalan

[26:40] That might crush a butterfly.

[26:41] It would change the history.

[26:43] Let me just tell you this.

[26:45] Enjoy our buffets.

[26:46] Don't mess with the portholes in general.

[26:48] Time or not.

[26:49] I'll make an announcement to the whole ship.

[26:51] Just stay away from the portholes.

[26:52] Don't open them.

[26:53] Don't worry about it.

[26:55] Listen, we've got a whole mall on the ship.

[26:58] There's a pool.

[26:59] Why are you investigating the windows?

[27:02] Again with the portholes.

[27:03] Don't you worry about the breeze?

[27:05] It's air conditioned.

[27:07] Just turn up the thermostat or down in the cabin.

[27:10] Yeah.

[27:10] Anyway, so see you tonight at the karaoke dinner.

[27:15] On the Lido Deck.

[27:18] If you have any questions, I am, again, the purser.

Stuart Wellington

[27:23] The bosun.

[27:25] I recommend the veal.

[27:27] I would take him up on that off.

[27:28] You'll find him in the folksle.

Dan McCoy

[27:32] On the poop deck.

[27:35] A stern.

[27:36] And don't go up in the crow's nest.

Stuart Wellington

[27:38] Stand of the rigging.

[27:41] If you need to go ashore, the coxswain will...

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] We're on a boat.

[27:48] You don't have a lot of time.

[27:50] You tend to shorten words.

[27:53] So, even the poor whole time, we call it the poor time.

[27:56] So, if you could just stay away from the poor time, that would be wonderful.

[28:00] Well, on that note...

[28:01] No soap?

[28:02] What were you talking about?

[28:03] I'll talk.

[28:04] We'll get...

[28:04] There should be soap in the bathroom.

[28:05] If there's not, I'll get it for you now.

[28:08] Towel?

[28:08] No, towels are in the closet right here.

[28:10] Okay, great.

[28:11] The soap?

[28:12] I don't know why that is.

[28:13] I'll check it.

[28:13] Well, people tend to stay out of this cabin.

[28:15] We try not to book it, because, again, the poor whole time.

[28:18] So, maybe they just didn't refill the bathroom last time, because there was no one staying

[28:22] in this cabin on the ship.

[28:25] Then I'll get it for you.

[28:27] Well, now that that...

[28:27] Thank you.

[28:28] Oh, very generous, sir.

[28:29] Thank you.

[28:29] That's, again, not necessary, but very much appreciated.

Dan McCoy

[28:33] Now that that bit of theater is over.

[28:34] That was a tip at the end.

[28:36] I understand.

Stuart Wellington

[28:38] We're going to go back in and do the...

[28:39] That's from my one-man show, poor whole time.

[28:41] We're going to do the sound effect and go back in and put the sound effects in afterwards.

[28:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] Caw, caw, caw.

[28:49] You can just go back and edit loop those.

[28:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:54] It'll be great.

[28:56] Layer it.

[28:56] Okay.

[28:57] Layers.

[28:58] Put layers in there.

[28:59] Stereo.

[29:00] Multi-track.

Dan McCoy

[29:02] I'll put one on the left channel and one on the right channel.

[29:05] That'd be great.

Stuart Wellington

[29:05] So, it's like it's going through your head.

[29:07] Mm-hmm.

[29:07] And then I'll switch them.

[29:08] That's how humans hear things.

Dan McCoy

[29:14] Hey, everyone.

[29:14] Welcome to the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[29:18] Wait.

[29:18] What was your name?

Dan McCoy

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] Oh, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

[29:21] I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] Stuart's, uh, growling like a cat.

[29:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] For some reason.

[29:27] I thought you were going to like that sound effect.

[29:29] That's why I did it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] What I like about it is it doesn't even sound like a big cat.

[29:35] Sounds like a house cat.

[29:37] It's not like you're a lion or a panther or something.

[29:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:40] No, that's the white.

[29:40] It's the Flophouse.

[29:42] It's the house cat.

[29:43] So, anytime the listeners at home hear, row, they know that's a Flophouse trademark moment.

Dan McCoy

[29:51] So, that's our new mascot, the Flophouse house cat.

[29:53] Yeah, the house cat.

[29:53] So, when will you drop in that kind of sound effect, though?

[29:56] You know, when it's...

[29:57] What situation would...

Stuart Wellington

[29:58] You know, when Elliot drops one of his, uh, trademark, uh...

[30:02] Zingers.

[30:03] Yeah.

[30:03] Well, it's like a knowledge-based zinger, though.

[30:05] Oh, okay.

[30:06] And Dan does one of his, like, oh, hum.

[30:10] Oh, hum?

[30:11] Yeah.

[30:11] Something like one of his, like, oh, gosh darn.

[30:14] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Oh, the misery of life.

[30:17] Yep.

[30:17] One of those.

[30:18] And then I would go, row!

[30:20] Okay.

[30:22] And then, uh...

[30:22] So, Flophouse listeners, if you want to visualize what Stuart the Flophouse house cat looks like, go for it.

[30:29] Row!

Dan McCoy

[30:31] Let's move on to...

[30:32] Okay, what's next?

[30:33] Uh, recommendations.

[30:35] Movies that you, uh, may have seen recently, but not if you haven't had time.

Elliott Kalan

[30:39] Can we recommend movies we haven't seen?

[30:41] Yes.

[30:41] Uh, in which case, I'd like to recommend it's called Rocket Crocodile in the World of Tomorrow.

[30:46] It's a movie that doesn't exist, and I'm making it up as I go along.

[30:49] It involves a crocodile astronaut.

[30:51] He accidentally falls through a time machine warp and becomes a rock star in the World of the Future, which also has dinosaurs.

[30:58] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] I don't know how I'm going to link to that on the website.

[31:02] Oh, yeah.

[31:02] Usually I link to it on the TV.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] And Gina Gershon is nude in, like, every scene.

[31:05] Okay.

[31:06] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] So, like, any Gina Gershon role.

Elliott Kalan

[31:09] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[31:11] Also, Carla Gugino is nude in every scene.

[31:14] Like, half of her role.

[31:16] Rocket Crocodile is fully clothed.

Stuart Wellington

[31:18] Do they have speaking roles, or are they just naked in the background?

Elliott Kalan

[31:20] I mean, there's a little bit of that.

[31:22] Okay.

[31:22] There's a little bit of speaking, you know.

[31:24] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[31:25] Yeah.

[31:25] Just to make it not exploitative.

[31:27] And to set up the nudity, like, oh, man, it's so hot in here.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] I'm going to take a shower now, but I'll just stand around first.

[31:33] Or, who put all these ants in my clothing?

[31:35] Yeah, yeah.

[31:39] I would love to see that excuse.

Stuart Wellington

[31:40] So, Rocket Crocodile.

[31:41] They run into the room.

[31:42] I haven't seen it yet, but, you know, keep your eyes peeled at the cineplex.

[31:44] I'm giving it five out of five amazings.

[31:47] So, go to Netflix.

[31:49] There's a lot of scenes.

[31:49] Put save.

[31:50] Go to, put save so that it goes in your queue.

Dan McCoy

[31:54] Whatever movie comes up on the autofill that's closest to that.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] That's closest to Rocket Crocodile in the World of Tomorrow.

[32:03] Probably is Dollman.

[32:04] Soundtrack by Talking Heads.

[32:06] They got back together to do the soundtrack.

[32:07] Wow.

[32:08] Sure.

[32:09] And Danzig.

[32:09] You got them together.

[32:10] Glenn Danzig and David Byrne finally working together.

Dan McCoy

[32:13] Well, I'm amazed that Rocket Crocodile solved the Byrne-Weymouth rift that has kept Talking

[32:20] Heads from reuniting all of you.

[32:21] Oh, yeah.

[32:21] Well, it's the World of Tomorrow.

[32:23] All right.

[32:23] Well, that's your recommendation, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] He has to stop the clothing bandit who's stealing clothing from all the beautiful women

[32:30] in the world.

[32:30] I think I've seen this movie.

[32:32] In my dreams.

Dan McCoy

[32:34] You're thinking of The Devil Wears Nada.

[32:37] Oh, okay.

[32:37] Which you should also watch instead of Devil.

Stuart Wellington

[32:39] I thought I was thinking of The Invisible Maniac again.

[32:43] No.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] Recommend.

[32:44] You have like three movies that you recommend in rotation.

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but he kills a guy with a submarine sandwich.

Elliott Kalan

[32:52] You mentioned it many times.

Stuart Wellington

[32:55] I don't think I've ever recommended this before, but I'm going to recommend it.

[32:58] I'm going to recommend it, and if I've already recommended it, you should watch it again.

[33:02] It's a movie called Head of the Family.

[33:05] I don't know how you would be able to find this movie because I don't believe it's on DVD,

Dan McCoy

[33:11] which I think stands for digital video disc.

[33:13] Or versatile.

Stuart Wellington

[33:14] Yeah, that.

[33:16] You might be able to find it on VHS.

[33:19] It's basically a movie about a small-town shyster and his kind of slutty girlfriend who try and pull a fast one on a local family that live kind of in exclusion.

[33:34] They're known for being quite wealthy.

[33:37] It's like you're telling it.

Dan McCoy

[33:38] It's like this is a library story time.

[33:41] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] They're a family of oddities.

[33:44] I believe they might have some kind of ties to mad science, perhaps.

[33:49] And the family consists of three brothers and a sister, and each of them has their own special powers.

[33:59] You have one brother who can see and hear really well.

[34:02] You have one brother who's incredibly strong, but he's very stupid.

[34:06] You have a sister who's incredibly beautiful, but she's not very bright.

[34:12] Wait, those two are kind of like each other.

[34:14] Yeah, well, they're similar.

[34:16] I mean, they are related, for God's sake.

[34:18] Okay.

[34:19] And then they're all held together by the head of the family, who is this giant head with a tiny little body, who is super smart because he's a giant head.

[34:29] And he can control his brothers and his siblings telepathically.

[34:35] So this small-town shyster tries to pull a fast one on them and, of course, gets burned in the process.

[34:42] I don't know if I should classify it as like a horror movie or a thriller.

[34:46] It's just very strange.

[34:48] Is it a thrill-omity?

[34:48] Yeah, kind of.

[34:50] Part of why you should watch it is there is a fair amount of nudity.

[34:54] Okay.

[34:55] Jacqueline Lavelle from the Femalian series is in it.

[34:58] And she's just very good at acting, even when completely naked and tied to a stake that's on fire.

Dan McCoy

[35:04] I think that's the special skills on her headshot.

Stuart Wellington

[35:07] Yeah, I can't say that about a lot of actresses.

[35:10] No.

[35:12] Hey, can I throw something else in there?

[35:14] Sure.

[35:15] I want to recommend The Invisible Maniac.

[35:18] Oh, yeah.

[35:18] About a high school teacher who turns himself invisible just to, you know, spy on and potentially rape women.

[35:25] It's like a better version of The Hollow Man.

[35:28] And then at one point he chokes a student to death with a submarine sandwich.

[35:34] It's a good movie.

[35:35] All right.

[35:36] He does that, but does it have a talking monkey in it?

[35:38] Because Nuki does.

[35:40] The Invisible Maniac jumps on somebody's head and smushes it.

[35:45] Just smushes it?

[35:46] Yeah.

[35:47] The person's head smushes.

[35:49] Like, it splatters.

[35:50] Wow.

[35:51] Apparently, when you become invisible, you also become ridiculously dense.

[35:55] Interesting.

[35:57] Oh, and then when you become visible again, if you die, you become visible again in the mythos of The Invisible Maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] That doesn't make it.

[36:04] Oh, well, that happens in the regular The Invisible Man.

[36:06] Oh, yeah.

[36:06] You're right.

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] Any movie.

[36:12] What was I going to recommend, Elliot?

[36:14] The Invisible Maniac.

[36:15] Oh, yeah.

[36:16] I recommend another horror movie that's totally scarifying about a high school science teacher.

Dan McCoy

[36:24] To see naked ladies.

Stuart Wellington

[36:25] A high school science teacher.

[36:27] Scary naked ladies.

[36:28] Who somehow manages to make himself invisible, and then he goes about killing a whole bunch of high school students, including a couple of topless chicks.

[36:36] Yes, Dan.

[36:37] A couple?

Dan McCoy

[36:39] And in the process, he...

[36:41] Mainly using his invisible powers to see naked teenage girls.

Stuart Wellington

[36:44] In the process, he does some scary things, like he chokes somebody to death with a submarine sandwich.

[36:50] And another guy...

[36:51] It sounds frightening.

[36:52] Another guy, he knocks over and then jumps on their head, which explodes like a pumpkin.

[36:57] Yeah.

[36:57] So, totally terrifying.

Dan McCoy

[37:00] Directed by the same guy who directed The Hazing.

[37:01] Really?

[37:02] Yeah, Rolf Kaminsky.

Stuart Wellington

[37:03] Man, that guy, nothing but hits.

Dan McCoy

[37:05] Oh, Rolf the dog.

[37:06] Yeah.

[37:06] Yes.

[37:07] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[37:08] The Muppet.

[37:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:10] Hey, guys, let's do that take again.

Stuart Wellington

[37:11] I believe his ancestor was Rolfgang Amadogus.

[37:18] It is a storied lineage.

[37:25] Okay, guys.

[37:27] I'm all prepped, so...

[37:29] So, go ahead.

[37:30] Okay.

[37:31] I'm going to go.

[37:32] Let me guess.

[37:32] Is it about a maniac that's invisible?

[37:34] It's a movie called The Invisible Maniac.

[37:36] Oh, my God.

Elliott Kalan

[37:38] Is that the only movie you watch?

[37:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:41] I watched it the other day.

[37:43] That's not true.

[37:44] I don't own it anymore.

[37:45] Anymore?

[37:46] I don't have a VHS player.

[37:48] The court forcibly removed it from him.

[37:50] For his own good.

[37:52] So, it's called The Invisible Maniac.

[37:54] Guy goes invisible, kills a bunch of people, kills a person with a submarine sandwich, stomps on a guy's head and explodes.

[38:01] Does anyone rip off his own Dean Dinos?

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] Or is that just a Castle Free thing?

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] You're ignoring the...

[38:06] He said be quick about recommendations.

[38:09] You're ignoring it.

[38:09] Why are you slowing me down?

Dan McCoy

[38:11] I mean, there's a lot of murder, but you're also ignoring the fact that The Invisible Maniac mainly becomes invisible to spy on naked women.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] Of course, that's the part that Dan would latch onto.

Dan McCoy

[38:19] Yeah, but that's primarily the thing about the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[38:23] Well, I mean, I like the submarine sandwich murder.

[38:26] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[38:28] It's a real slice-of-life caper.

Dan McCoy

[38:31] So, there you go.

[38:32] Unless Stuart wants to come up with a non-

[38:34] With a real recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[38:36] I mean, a recommendation.

[38:37] That's what I want to recommend this week.

[38:39] I figure if I repeat some of my recommendations, people are going to check them out and be excited.

[38:43] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] I mean, certainly they'll be looking forward to that submarine sandwich scene.

Stuart Wellington

[38:48] I mean, I just...

[38:50] I like helping people out.

Elliott Kalan

[38:52] It's kind of what I do, you know?

[38:54] You're a real public servant, yeah.

[38:56] Yeah.

[38:56] In the cause of Castle Freak and Invisible Maniac.

[38:59] Well, it makes people happy, you know?

[39:00] All right, guys.

[39:01] Well, uh...

[39:03] Where there's a ding-dong being ripped off, I'll be there.

[39:05] Where there's a submarine sandwich killing a guy, I'll be there.

Stuart Wellington

[39:09] Well, the sandwich doesn't kill the guy.

[39:11] It's a weapon.

[39:13] You don't blame the gun for shooting somebody.

[39:19] Normally, at this point in the podcast, I recommend Invisible Maniac or Castle Freak.

[39:24] And this will be no exception.

[39:25] And I was thinking back to another movie that I've recommended multiple times.

[39:31] Head of the Family?

[39:31] Head of the Family.

Elliott Kalan

[39:33] I'm starting to think you've only seen three movies.

Stuart Wellington

[39:38] But I want to recommend...

[39:39] This isn't an actual genuine recommendation, but when I think of Head of the Family, I think of the time that I first saw it.

[39:46] And at the same weekend, I also watched Motel Hell, which was not great.

[39:53] It was Rory Calhoun.

[39:54] Yeah.

[39:54] But there were some okay bits.

[39:56] I did like the bit where the people were buried up to their necks.

[40:00] One of them was John Ratzenberger from TV's Cheers.

[40:05] Yeah.

[40:05] So if you want to relive the experience Stuart had when he was in high school, where the first weekend he saw Head of the Family, he watched that.

[40:14] And I think the original Night of the Living Dead?

[40:17] No, no, no.

[40:18] Return of the Living Dead.

[40:19] And Motel Hell in a back-to-back three show.

[40:23] That's what they call it.

[40:24] Three-peat.

[40:24] A three show.

[40:26] So you should do that.

[40:27] That's my recommendation.

[40:28] Watch those three movies so you can relive the Stuart Wellington high school experience.

[40:36] I'm going to take the ball on this one, dudes.

[40:38] Okay, balls in your court.

[40:39] Run with it.

[40:39] Drive down the court.

[40:41] I think you guys all know that I like movies.

[40:43] Dominate the pain.

[40:43] Okay.

[40:44] So, how does it sound like you?

[40:46] Let me describe a movie to you and you tell me if it sounds awesome.

[40:50] Okay.

[40:50] This better not be one of the three movies you've described many times.

[40:53] Now, there's a teacher, okay?

[40:55] And this teacher turns himself invisible.

[40:57] Oh, God.

[40:58] And it drives him crazy.

[41:00] He kills a guy with a submarine sandwich.

[41:02] He jumps on a guy's head and smashes it.

[41:05] Would you call this guy a maniac?

Elliott Kalan

[41:08] What, some kind of non-visible maniac?

Stuart Wellington

[41:11] It's actually called the invisible maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] It was called the unseeable crazy guy?

Stuart Wellington

[41:16] I don't think that encapsulates what the movie's about because he's also a teacher.

[41:20] Wait, how's the house teacher?

[41:22] So, if you just said crazy guy, like, maniac makes him sound more like a teacher.

Dan McCoy

[41:25] No, it doesn't.

Stuart Wellington

[41:26] And then he shoots this other invisible guy with a shotgun at the end.

[41:30] Wait, what?

[41:31] Spoiler alert.

[41:32] Oh, come on.

[41:33] You know you're going to see another invisible guy get killed when you go see the invisible

[41:36] maniac.

[41:37] So, invisible maniac.

[41:39] So, that's your recommendation.

[41:42] Or, I don't know, go fucking watch Circuitry Man or some shit.

[41:45] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] Sorry, Vernon Wells.

[41:47] So, your recommendation is invisible maniac, one of your old standbys, or Circuitry Man

[41:53] or some shit.

[41:54] Just random movies coming out of Stuart.

[41:56] I'll recommend.

[42:01] I was struggling.

[42:02] I feel like Stuart just looks through the TV guide beforehand and goes, I'll just say

[42:06] invisible maniac and then a bunch of these.

Stuart Wellington

[42:11] Okay, I'll recommend a movie I saw a long time ago that's really good called Castle Freak,

[42:17] directed by Stuart Gordon.

[42:19] It's really awesome because this family moves into an Italian castle that they happen to inherit.

[42:27] And little do they know that there's this crazy misshapen freak, a castle freak, living in

[42:33] the basement, who flips out, kills a bunch of people, I think he bites a prostitute's boob off,

[42:39] and then I think he even rips off his own ding-dong in a rage.

[42:42] Totally awesome movie.

Dan McCoy

[42:45] Sounds like an X-rated end of Rumpelstiltskin.

[42:48] Very similar, yeah.

[42:49] So, that's released by Kino, I assume?

[42:52] Yes, it's, nope, Full Moon Pictures.

[42:56] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:57] Close.

[42:58] Very close.

[43:02] So, I got two recommendations tonight, guys.

[43:06] The first one is a movie called Castle Freak.

Elliott Kalan

[43:10] Let me guess the other one.

[43:11] Does it have an invisible maniac in it?

Stuart Wellington

[43:14] No.

[43:15] First off, Castle Freak, go watch it.

[43:17] It's got a...

Dan McCoy

[43:18] How many times have you recommended Castle Freak?

[43:20] It's got a Castle Freak in it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:24] Freak, I'm a castle.

[43:25] It's about a family who inherits a castle.

Dan McCoy

[43:27] Guess what that castle has inside it, Dan?

[43:31] A freak?

[43:32] How'd you guess?

Stuart Wellington

[43:34] It's in the title, I know.

[43:36] It's great, a dude rips off his own ding-dong.

[43:38] It's awesome.

[43:41] The second movie I like to...

[43:42] Stuart looks more in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[43:48] Stuart, somehow, we had just defined something new to say about Castle Freak over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[43:55] Oh, man.

[43:57] So, the second movie I'd like to recommend is a movie called Killer Clowns from Outer Space.

Dan McCoy

[44:02] Oh, no.

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] Oh, wait.

[44:04] It is a...

[44:05] I can't veto your recommendations, I guess.

[44:07] It is a movie where these aliens who look like clowns come and murder people.

[44:13] The Chiodo Brothers.

[44:14] Yep, Chiodo Brothers.

[44:15] Can anyone rip their ding-dong off?

[44:18] Nobody rips off any ding-dongs.

[44:21] But there are killer clowns in it.

[44:22] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[44:23] And they spell clowns with a K.

[44:24] Space, comma, killer clowns from Outer.

[44:26] Yeah, it's like Mortal Kombat.

[44:29] I'm going to recommend the movie Gun Crazy to balance out those two recommendations, which

[44:34] is a very good crime movie from the 40s.

[44:37] Yeah, that is a very good movie.

[44:39] It's really good about a doomed relationship.

[44:41] But are there killer clowns?

[44:42] Bonnie and Clyde owes a lot to it.

[44:43] There are no killer clowns, and no one's ding-dong is ripped off.

[44:46] But Gun Crazy is one I'll recommend.

[44:49] And Castle Freak.

[44:52] Hi, guys.

[44:52] I feel like we have to do a Flophouse about Castle Freak some one of these days.

[44:56] Well, I would love to give it another view.

Dan McCoy

[44:59] I think we should sign off so we can turn the air conditioner back on.

Elliott Kalan

[45:04] If you freak one castle this summer.

Stuart Wellington

[45:07] Castle Freak 3D.

[45:09] Starring Keanu Reeves and Jeffrey Cobes.

[45:14] Which is the castle, which is the freak?

Dan McCoy

[45:16] It'll be awesome.

[45:20] We should speedily give our recommendations for movies that we actually like and think people

[45:27] should go out and watch.

[45:28] Go watch them now.

Stuart Wellington

[45:30] Okay, I'm going to start.

[45:31] I'm going to recommend a little movie called Castle Freak.

[45:34] No.

[45:35] You don't like it?

[45:35] No.

[45:36] I know.

[45:36] You sign.

[45:37] It's a great movie.

[45:38] Does it have a scene where a guy rips his own thing off?

[45:41] Well, he's a freak, so it's cool.

[45:44] He just rips it right off.

[45:46] Like, it was there for a second, then all of a sudden it's gone.

[45:48] Ripped off.

[45:49] Okay, Dan, your turn.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] I think that brings it up to 99 Castle Freak recommendations.

[45:54] At 100, you get a free Castle Freak.

[45:56] I watched the movie.

[45:58] To take home.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] And I can rip off his ding-dong, too.

[46:01] I am going to recommend a little movie called Castle Freak.

[46:08] What?

[46:09] Whoa.

[46:10] Didn't see that coming.

[46:11] Directed by Stuart Gordon.

Elliott Kalan

[46:13] You know what, Stuart?

[46:13] When I said same movie, I was wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[46:17] I just want to say that Castle Freak, after its Blu-ray release, has gotten much more attention.

[46:23] And also, possibly, the street-level support from yours truly.

[46:28] Castle Freak has started to get a little more attention, but I recommend that you guys either go buy the Blu-ray or write your congressman to maybe make full-moon streaming available to everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] Why do you have to write a congressman?

[46:42] To name it, Proclaim it, National Castle Freak Day.

[46:46] I like that.

[46:47] I think it's on the Wikipedia entry for Castle Freak that says, see, also, Head of the Family, Invisible Maniac.

Stuart Wellington

[46:52] Movies that are not related to it at all, except through Stuart.

[46:56] Quality, sometimes.

[46:57] They're related because they're both Oscar winners, I'm assuming?

[47:01] No.

[47:03] So, Stuart, what movie are you really recommending?

[47:05] I was going to recommend Castle Freak.

[47:07] Okay.

[47:07] What are you going to recommend?

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] Do you want to go first, or should I go first?

Stuart Wellington

[47:14] I can't think of anything to recommend.

Elliott Kalan

[47:16] Really?

[47:16] You?

[47:17] Mr. Recommendation?

Dan McCoy

[47:18] Mr. Hollywood?

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] Mr. I'm going to recommend Castle Freak for the eighth time.

Dan McCoy

[47:22] Yeah, actually.

[47:23] Well, I'm at it.

[47:24] Mr. Head of the Family?

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Mr. Invisible Maniac?

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] Hey, folks out there in La La Land, why don't you go to your local video store?

[47:35] Go to the horror slash comedy department?

[47:36] Go to the horror slash comedy department.

Elliott Kalan

[47:45] Not even a section, but a department.

[47:50] We had to hire another assistant manager just to cover the horror comedies.

[47:55] Just to see it cover the frighteners.

Stuart Wellington

[47:57] Go down to Isle H and pick up Head of the Family.

[48:03] Where it intersects Ro C.

[48:05] Head of the Family is a great movie about a dude.

[48:07] You recommended this before.

[48:10] Yeah.

[48:11] I thought that was the thing.

[48:12] I was recommending something I already recommended.

[48:14] It's right next to Castle Freak.

Elliott Kalan

[48:17] Not even if it's Ro H.

[48:21] So you snag it up that head of the family.

[48:22] This is a video store which has a whole...

[48:24] Is this my recommendation?

[48:26] It has a whole department for horror comedies, but none with that start with titles with the

[48:30] letters D, E, F, or G.

[48:34] What store is this?

Stuart Wellington

[48:37] This is that video store down over there.

Dan McCoy

[48:40] He's dismantled your logic.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] So you snatch up that Head of the Family.

[48:44] You go upstairs to the rental test.

[48:48] So they have a whole floor.

[48:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[48:51] You wait in line behind the lady who's renting Bicentennial Man.

[48:55] When she's done, when she's gone.

[48:57] Then you pay your $1.50 to take the VHS cassette of Head of the Family Home.

[49:03] So you can pop it into your player and have a nice night.

[49:06] Maybe pop some Redenbockers, some Jiffy Pops.

Elliott Kalan

[49:09] Both of those.

[49:10] Both at the same time.

Stuart Wellington

[49:11] And do a taste comparison.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] Make a night of it.

[49:14] Watch a movie, do a popcorn taste test.

Dan McCoy

[49:17] There's going to be someone somewhere out there who's listening to this on their iPod.

[49:22] And they're doing exactly what you're saying, which is so ridiculously specific.

[49:26] It's going to seem like you're talking to them and them alone.

[49:29] That's the beauty of this.

Elliott Kalan

[49:31] That's how podcasts work.

[49:32] Yeah.

[49:33] Sensual.

[49:35] Rawr!

Stuart Wellington

[49:40] Can I get your attention, please?

[49:42] This is the captain speaking.

[49:43] Can somebody tell that house cat to stop partying?

[49:50] Rawr!

[49:55] Uh-oh!

[49:56] The ancient prophecy speaks of a mighty house cat rising from a blood-red sea.

[50:03] Some say he was born in a puddle of toxic waste.

[50:07] Some say he's the son of the devil himself.

[50:10] He hangs out with the Flophouse guys.

[50:13] He's the house cat.

[50:14] Rawr!

[50:15] Did you, did you, did you know about the house cat?

[50:19] Rawr!

[50:20] That house cat is a badass.

[50:22] He's a house cat!

[50:23] Rawr!

[50:25] No nerds allowed.

[50:26] Not on the house cats in town.

[50:28] Rawr!

[50:29] Did you know about the house cat?

[50:32] Uh-oh!

[50:32] Excuse me, doctor.

[50:34] But the diagnosis for that house cat is...

[50:36] Radical!

[50:37] Radical!

[50:41] Well, of course, he's ten feet tall.

[50:43] He's covered in silky, white-black fur.

[50:46] He only wears his baseball cap on backwards.

[50:49] He's incredibly wealthy.

[50:51] Sunglasses?

[50:52] A necessity.

[50:53] Sometimes he wears overalls.

[50:55] He doesn't smoke cigarettes because they're bad for your health.

[50:58] His favorite instrument?

[51:00] The guitar.

[51:01] Favorite food?

[51:02] Pizza.

[51:03] Favorite movie?

[51:04] Road to Perdition.

[51:05] Favorite book?

[51:07] Tuck Everlasting.

[51:08] Ha, ha, house cat.

[51:09] Rawr!

[51:14] Rawr!

[51:15] The house cat does not play by the rules.

[51:17] He's the house cat!

[51:18] Rawr!

[51:19] It's been four days since we went out into the bush and that flop house cat is going completely

[51:25] feral.

Dan McCoy

[51:26] Uh-oh!

[51:27] He's wearing his overalls, picking up pants.

Stuart Wellington

[51:32] Eating some food.

[51:34] Drinking some brews.

[51:36] Knocking over nerds.

[51:39] Breaking the rules.

[51:41] Ruining weddings and breaking up fools.

[51:46] No way!

[51:47] Two babes at once?

[51:50] Hustle!

[51:51] I've been with too many human zeros.

Dan McCoy

[51:55] Rawr!

Stuart Wellington

[51:56] Time to get with a house cat hero.

[51:59] Hustle!

[51:59] Rawr!

[52:00] No, no, no, no, no.

[52:01] Leave the sunglasses.

[52:04] Rawr!

[52:05] We sure hope you haven't been declawed.

[52:07] P-p-punky house cat.

[52:08] Rawr!

[52:13] Rawr!

[52:14] Who gave that cat those clothes?

[52:18] Rawr!

[52:19] Mr. President, have you ever heard of a house cat?

[52:22] Rawr!

[52:23] He's so powerful.

[52:26] Uh-oh!

[52:27] I don't know what's going on here, officer.

[52:30] That house cat should be in class.

[52:31] But instead, he stole my girlfriend.

[52:35] House cat!

[52:36] Rawr!

[52:40] Rawr!

[52:42] Where'd he come from?

[52:43] That's the thing nobody knows.

[52:45] Rawr!

[52:47] You're gonna have to hand in your badge and gun unless you can turn in this house cat that's

[52:52] been terrorizing the town.

[52:53] Uh-oh!

Dan McCoy

[52:54] And the award for baddest dude goes to...

[52:58] Ha!

[52:58] The house cat, of course!

S4

[53:16] He's a house cat!

[53:18] Rawr!

[53:19] Rawr!

The Flop House EXTRA: Best of the First 75 Episodes

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