Ep. #184 - Drive Hard

[0:00] On tonight's show, we watched Drive Angry with Nicolas Cage.

[0:05] We watched Drive Hard with John Cusack.

[0:08] It was a white-line nightmare.

[1:00] For our South American listeners, what he's saying is,

[1:02] Goal!

[1:09] Good, comma, City Slickers 2, The Legend of Curlies.

[1:13] That's what they're all saying?

[1:17] That's what they're saying. You never hear them finish it.

[1:19] They go, Goal!

[1:21] Everyone is too excited by the goal that just happened.

[1:23] Good, comma, City Slickers 2, The Legend of Curlies.

[1:25] Are they talking about the movie Gold starring Roger Moore?

[1:28] No, not at all.

[1:29] Roger Moore!

[1:30] It's got an awesome opening credit sequence, though.

[1:32] Yeah, sure.

[1:33] It's awesome.

[1:34] The movie, The Folks?

[1:36] The movie that stutters its title.

[1:39] But we didn't watch any Roger Moore movie tonight, sadly.

[1:42] No, we watched Roger-less.

[1:45] This movie was Roger-less.

[1:48] Why is someone named Roger involved?

[1:50] Probably. Roger Sterling from Mad Men?

[1:53] No, that's a fictional character, so no.

[1:55] Okay.

[1:56] Roger Zelazny.

[2:00] Of the Ambers books?

[2:02] Yep, he wrote the original story.

[2:04] Short story that was adapted to the screenplay of?

[2:07] Drive Angry.

[2:08] 3D.

[2:09] No.

[2:10] Rated R.

[2:11] Number one.

[2:12] Playing at?

[2:13] That's not the movie that we watched.

[2:15] What movie did we watch, Dale?

[2:17] All right, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[2:20] And in this case, we watched a movie called Drive Hard.

[2:25] Doesn't sound like a movie.

[2:27] Now, here's the thing.

[2:28] Drive Erect.

[2:30] Ah, that's why you picked it.

[2:33] It's technically not out in theaters yet.

[2:34] We watch it on demand before it's released.

[2:36] It comes out in October.

[2:37] I don't think it's ever going to get released.

[2:39] Release date is listed, dude.

[2:40] October 3rd.

[2:41] I feel like this movie, I saw trailers for it years ago.

[2:43] Drive Hard, not soft.

[2:44] It's Drive Hard.

[2:46] Yeah, yeah, and when you were a kid, you had a vision of it.

[2:48] It was a real Freddy 3 Dream World type situation.

[2:51] It's getting pushed back, and it's been on demand for quite some time.

[2:56] So for them to put it out theatrically now would be very strange.

[2:59] People keep demanding it.

[3:00] We're just trying to find that perfect window.

[3:02] Now, Drive Hard.

[3:03] Right after Ricky and the Flash.

[3:06] It's very Middle Street.

[3:08] Yeah.

[3:09] It's all about a mom who's also a rock star, and she teams up with superhero The Flash.

[3:13] That is not what we just watched.

[3:15] No, that's not.

[3:16] We watched Drive Hard, which is perhaps the softest driving movie I've ever seen.

[3:22] Yeah, doubly soft.

[3:23] As I said to Stuart when we were watching it, this is the warm bath of action movies.

[3:28] It never wants to make you too thrilled or too worried.

[3:31] It's pretty easygoing.

[3:33] The kind of movie where it's got Drive Hard.

[3:36] The name is Drive Hard.

[3:38] The main character is a race car driver.

[3:40] Played by Thomas Jane.

[3:42] Played by Thomas Jane, the man whose name backwards is a girl's name, Jane Thomas.

[3:46] Oh, that's really interesting.

[3:49] He never drives particularly fast.

[3:51] No.

[3:52] But it's also got John, parentheses, not Joan, Cusack.

[3:58] Okay.

[4:00] John Cusack, who is kind of a – he's kind of like if you took Thomas Jane and John Cusack

[4:06] and mashed them together, you'd kind of have one Nicolas Cage.

[4:09] You'd have some leftovers.

[4:11] I'm not saying they would only make one Nicolas Cage.

[4:13] Some little generic bits.

[4:14] Or you're saying there'd be extra Nicolas Cage they weren't taking care of.

[4:18] Yeah, it'd be served in a little sidecar.

[4:20] Some parts of them would be left over, like there's waste products.

[4:24] And Thomas Jane's hair.

[4:25] Yeah, he's only got ten fingers.

[4:27] He doesn't need 20 fingers.

[4:28] That's crazy.

[4:29] Some kind of double cage.

[4:30] You said there were four things.

[4:32] I don't remember what the other things were.

[4:33] Okay, well, we're off to a roaring start.

[4:36] So John Cusack is playing the – yeah, they're both kind of playing the Nicolas Cage parts in this.

[4:41] It's about a former race car driver who is now –

[4:44] Oh, my God.

[4:45] Wouldn't this have been great if Nicolas Cage played both parts?

[4:47] Yes.

[4:48] But every movie would be better if Nicolas Cage played both parts.

[4:51] Name a movie that wouldn't be better if Nicolas Cage played both parts.

[4:54] Rain Man?

[4:55] Better.

[4:56] King Kong vs. Godzilla?

[4:57] Better.

[4:58] School Friday?

[4:59] Better.

[5:00] Yeah, I could see it.

[5:02] Twins?

[5:03] Not as good because the joke that they're twins that aren't alike would be ruined because they'd both be Nicolas Cage.

[5:08] Unless you use prosthetic makeup and computer-generated effects to make one a super strong Nicolas Cage

[5:14] and one a little kind of stout, fat Nicolas Cage.

[5:17] And everyone's like, this is a weird prequel adaptation.

[5:20] It doesn't seem to make any –

[5:21] Dirty Dancing would have been great with two Nicolas Cages.

[5:24] Where he's both baby and Patrick Swayze and baby's dad, Jerry Orbeck.

[5:29] No one puts me in the corner.

[5:33] Unless it's me, I guess.

[5:36] I suppose I could put you in the corner.

[5:38] If I sat over here on part – wait, hold on.

[5:41] I have to lift myself up at the end of the dance, and I'm not sure how I'm going to do that.

[5:45] Think about the physics of that.

[5:49] Terrible impression of Nicolas Cage.

[5:51] They all are.

[5:52] They're all pretty bad.

[5:53] One of their movies would be better if Nicolas Cage was in it.

[5:56] Kind of all of them, right?

[5:57] We'll revisit this later at the end of the show.

[5:59] It's kind of hard.

[6:00] We won't revisit this in our dreams forever.

[6:02] Listeners, call in, and we'll update the podcast.

[6:06] Just as we did that run of –

[6:07] We'll do an errata later on.

[6:09] Errotic errata.

[6:13] Just a correction.

[6:14] Stuart was wearing pants.

[6:16] Wow, that is not very erotic.

[6:19] Well, it was a correction of the erotic content.

[6:22] It's more erotic for me.

[6:23] I get to imagine what's under there.

[6:25] Because the sexiest thing is what you can't see.

[6:28] That's why the sexiest movie ever made is The Invisible Man.

[6:32] I was going to say Casper, but then that's a child ghost.

[6:37] Nice self-edit.

[6:40] And the sexiest author is H.P. Lovecraft.

[6:43] Yeah, because everything is indescribable.

[6:47] I was like, why?

[6:49] I mean a certain number of his elder gods are –

[6:50] Weird racism? I don't know.

[6:52] A certain number of his elder gods are essentially ambulatory, super-powerful vaginas.

[6:56] So, I mean, what can you do?

[6:57] Sexy.

[6:58] He had his issues.

[6:59] It's weird that a guy whose last name is Lovecraft is not an erotic author.

[7:03] Sure.

[7:05] So, anyway –

[7:06] Pump penis Lovecraft.

[7:09] You know what? Why don't we just call you H.P.?

[7:12] Everyone is going to think I'm Hewlett-Packard Lovecraft.

[7:14] That's not my name.

[7:15] People are going to make fun of me.

[7:18] They're going to think of me, H.P. Lovecraft.

[7:21] They're going to make fun of my name.

[7:23] That's from the H.P. Lovecraft story starring Jimmy Stewart.

[7:26] Not a respectable name like Pump Penis.

[7:28] I think of immigrants and other minority groups as kind of subhuman.

[7:34] Maybe they're real life indications of cosmic horrors.

[7:39] Tell me this, Madeline.

[7:42] What's scarier than a force so malevolent and powerful it crushes you not out of malevolent feeling itself,

[7:49] but just because it doesn't even notice you?

[7:51] It always goes to Don Knotts before ending on Sean Connery.

[7:56] That was one of my better Jimmy Stewarts.

[7:58] I want to take the moon down from the stars.

[8:00] You can swallow it and let the light shine out your fingertips.

[8:03] You can scare away and yawl a faux-temper, crawling chaos.

[8:06] I was talking about It's a Wonderful Life recently.

[8:11] Let's get back on topic.

[8:13] Hold on.

[8:14] There's that scene where they open up the pool under the people dancing,

[8:19] and they do it because the one guy has been jilted by Mary.

[8:23] Not really jilted, but Jimmy Stewart has stolen her away.

[8:29] It's not that he knows that there's a pool under there.

[8:33] There's a guy standing down there being like, stole your girl, huh?

[8:37] Might interest you to know that there's a pool under it.

[8:40] Is he just there waiting to stir the shit?

[8:43] Have there been five guys before him with the same problem?

[8:46] Carrying hamburgers, I would imagine, after their namesake five guys.

[8:51] I assume that was Satan himself coming to play a trick on old George Bailey.

[8:56] You know what?

[8:57] Now I'm starting to think that Harvey is some kind of a shoggoth on another plane of reality,

[9:01] and maybe that's why nobody could see him,

[9:03] except Jimmy Stewart, who had used that machine from beyond.

[9:07] Yep.

[9:08] Oh, man.

[9:09] My name's Herbert West.

[9:11] You might call a reanimator.

[9:14] That's way more Don Knotts.

[9:16] Yeah, that's still Don Knotts.

[9:17] You would have been a great Herbert West.

[9:19] That's from The Ghost and Mr. Cthulhu.

[9:23] It is a tragedy that Jimmy Stewart was never forced to say the word shoggoth.

[9:27] Now I regret that the gold mage of Hollywood didn't see an H.P. Lovecraft adaptation.

[9:33] There wasn't an H.P. Lovecraft-based movie until the 60s.

[9:35] I feel like F.W. Murnau could have done a really good one.

[9:37] Yeah, except that he died before sound came in.

[9:40] H.P. Lovecraft, his best work was still ahead of him, kind of, I think.

[9:44] I don't remember how the timeline works out.

[9:47] We should probably get back to the movie, actually.

[9:49] So we watched this movie Hard Drive.

[9:51] According to Wikipedia, Drive Hard was originally titled Hard Drive.

[9:53] Exactly.

[9:54] So that's why at the end Thomas Jane says, it's been a hard drive.

[9:57] Someone late in the process was like,

[10:00] This means something else now with computers.

[10:03] When the script was originally written, computers didn't exist.

[10:07] The director Brian Treacher said,

[10:10] well, let's do the old old switchamadoo.

[10:14] Take the words and put them around.

[10:17] Anyway, I'm doing terrible.

[10:19] Australian Paul McCartney.

[10:23] So Drive Hard is the story of Thomas Jane

[10:27] playing the Steve Zahn type character.

[10:29] And John Cusack playing the very specific

[10:32] Bill Murray in We're the Buffalo Roam type character.

[10:35] Thomas Jane is a former race car driver

[10:38] who gave up his dangerous career for his wife and child.

[10:41] Now he's a driving instructor married to a lawyer who doesn't respect him.

[10:44] And he has a daughter who goes to an uppity private school

[10:47] where she dresses like she just walked out of Madeline or Mary Poppins or something.

[10:51] And his wife kind of looks like one of those Nagel prints you see in the window of a hair salon.

[10:55] A little bit, yeah, like a blonde, very severe Nagel print.

[10:58] Whereas a Nagel girl, she looks like she's up for some Duran Duran and cocaine.

[11:02] This woman does not. She is uptight.

[11:04] Too dangerous.

[11:05] Too dangerous.

[11:07] Drive softer, please.

[11:10] Get those pink neon triangles and purple squiggles away from me, please.

[11:13] You can poke an eye out with those 80s graphic elements.

[11:19] Of course, Thomas Jane shows up to work after driving his daughter to school.

[11:23] And he finds that there's a client that's asked for him specifically.

[11:26] It's John Cusack smoking an electronic vape cigarette thing,

[11:30] looking for all the world like Uncle Duke from Doonesbury showed up in a car.

[11:34] And here's the thing about those vape cigarette things.

[11:37] They always look like a Jabba the Hutt space hookah.

[11:40] So every character looks like they just stopped off at like the space tobacconist

[11:44] for some Astro juice or something.

[11:47] The space tobacconist is full of space eels.

[11:52] Is that space money by the way?

[11:53] That is space money by the way.

[11:55] Space nipples explode with space delight.

[11:58] Ministry of Silly Walks in space would have been great.

[12:02] I mean the main thing that makes the silly walk an accomplishment is gone

[12:06] because gravity is no longer fighting you.

[12:08] But think about how silly those walks could be.

[12:10] They could be really silly.

[12:13] Because in space, no one can hear you walk.

[12:17] I just want to take a moment and talk about…

[12:19] What, for sponsors?

[12:22] We've barely started the movie.

[12:24] You keep going.

[12:25] I'll get to what I want to say.

[12:27] What are we going to say? Say it.

[12:28] No, no, no. Where are we?

[12:29] Well, you remember.

[12:30] We're about ten minutes in.

[12:31] We started a movie called Drive Hard.

[12:33] We're in Australia.

[12:35] I'm going to just say this.

[12:36] Cut to a shot of guys windsurfing.

[12:38] Yeah, for no reason.

[12:40] Thomas Jane and John Cusack have delightful chemistry.

[12:43] And fully half their scenes seem to be almost completely ad-libbed.

[12:47] There's a scene that goes on forever of John Cusack trying to buckle his seatbelt

[12:52] and it not buckling for a long time.

[12:54] Oh, yeah, that's great.

[12:55] John Cusack takes Thomas Jane on a wild ride in the car, breaking all the rules,

[12:59] even breaking them to electric boogaloo, you might say.

[13:02] Although I guess that implies it's an electric car, and it's not.

[13:05] It's not a Tesla or anything.

[13:07] It turns out that he's done his research on Thomas Jane.

[13:11] He knows he was a former race car driver, gave everything up, and now he regrets it.

[13:15] John Cusack says, hey, if you can just drive –

[13:18] Thomas Jane doesn't like it. He feels creeped out.

[13:20] So John Cusack says, drive me back to the driving school.

[13:23] But first, let's stop at the bank.

[13:25] I just need to make a withdrawal.

[13:28] But what Thomas Jane doesn't know, but he should have known,

[13:31] considering his client for the day is dressed like Hunter S. Thompson

[13:34] is wearing black driving gloves.

[13:36] And they're like Under Armour gloves.

[13:38] They look like the kind of gloves you'd wear to play football or, I don't know, strangle somebody.

[13:42] Or to drive pretty hard.

[13:43] Well, yeah, I mean it's Hunter S. Thompson crossed with John Cusack's own character

[13:46] from Gross Point Blank.

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] I mean, to the degree that I wouldn't be surprised if John Cusack is like,

[13:53] you know what?

[13:55] My secret is this is an unofficial sequel to Gross Point Blank.

[13:59] I'm playing the same character.

[14:01] Grosser Point Blanker.

[14:02] Yeah.

[14:03] And so much of his scenes with Thomas Jane is just him babbling nonsense.

[14:06] And Thomas Jane kind of taking it seriously.

[14:09] You'd be like, oh, wow, really?

[14:11] Oh, man, that's crazy.

[14:14] You're never sure when the cameras stop rolling or start rolling.

[14:17] You just read Thomas Jane and John Cusack hanging out in the car set that was built.

[14:20] Well, it feels like –

[14:22] Because here's the other thing.

[14:23] John Cusack spends most of the movie sitting down in a car.

[14:25] John Cusack feels like he's the world's first hipster robber.

[14:29] Like he's doing this.

[14:30] It's just sort of like a fun project.

[14:32] You like to fuck with this guy.

[14:33] Sure.

[14:34] There's the bank robberies.

[14:36] He drops off at the bank and he robs the bank.

[14:38] And the bank robbery scene is a masterpiece of being very obviously in a low-budget movie

[14:45] wherein John Cusack just kind of like glides into the front door, cut to –

[14:49] he's already at the vault in a room by himself.

[14:52] Yeah, a desaturated film of him opening the vault.

[14:55] He opens the vault in very tight close-ups, and then there's like an alarm goes off.

[14:58] There's a tight shot of people's feet running on the ground.

[15:01] John Cusack fires into the air.

[15:03] You don't know if any of these people are in the same room.

[15:05] And John Cusack leaves the building, and you're like all those shots could have been shot in different years for all I know on different continents.

[15:13] This is the first heist I've ever seen done entirely in insert shots.

[15:16] Scott McCloud would be super impressed with the economy of storytelling here.

[15:20] The viewer is doing so much of the work in building up what this heist is.

[15:25] I mean you see almost none of it.

[15:27] The super fun cognitive dissonance of this movie though is that it's completely chock full of those like

[15:32] I'm a film student making a movie on like $500 tricks, but it also has Thomas Jane and John Cusack

[15:40] who you've seen in real actual movies before.

[15:43] Well, John Cusack's a big star.

[15:45] Thomas Jane never quite made it to that next level.

[15:47] He was always about to break through.

[15:49] He was always a punisher, never a punisher war zone.

[15:52] Exactly.

[15:53] He's kind of like the Gretchen Maul of actors as opposed to actresses in that everyone was like this is the next big guy, and it just never happened.

[16:01] Well, maybe he'll have his Betty Page.

[16:03] Maybe, yeah.

[16:04] Maybe he'll –

[16:05] The movie where you watch it because he's nude in it?

[16:07] Yeah.

[16:09] Maybe he'll do the –

[16:10] Wait, he gets nude in a movie?

[16:12] I think he's – is he nude in Stander?

[16:14] Is there like a men's health bodybuilding magazine from like the 50s, sort of like closeted gay magazine?

[16:22] Is there a model he could play?

[16:24] Yeah, probably.

[16:25] A biopic.

[16:26] I have to assume so.

[16:27] A Mary Harron biopic.

[16:28] Yeah, the notorious Bernie Page.

[16:32] He's got a big mustache and like kind of a pot belly.

[16:35] He was a bank manager by day.

[16:36] Anyway, so John Cusack is like – he's just shooting at cops, and he's like, okay, now you're my getaway driver.

[16:43] You are going to – you're going to drive me around.

[16:47] I've stolen all this – a suitcase full of $9 million.

[16:50] We're going to drive around this town and let the cops chase us around.

[16:52] Which they kind of do, but the chase never really exceeds more than what like 35, 40 miles an hour.

[16:58] Yeah, 35 miles an hour.

[16:59] 40 miles an hour.

[17:00] I don't know what that is in kilometers per hour, but that's what they probably use.

[17:03] It's probably like a million I think, a million kilometers an hour.

[17:05] Kilometers are very small.

[17:07] They – this movie is so –

[17:09] They drive around a couple sets that they obviously rented for the weekend.

[17:12] That's the thing.

[17:13] It's so low budget that it's like, okay, now it's the sequence at the marina docks.

[17:17] Drive around, drive around, drive around.

[17:19] We'll cut this footage together later.

[17:20] It will look like a chase sequence.

[17:21] It will be the same spot, but we're going to throw water all over it.

[17:24] Okay, now we're in the storage lockers area.

[17:28] Drive around, drive around.

[17:29] Fire the gun out the window every now and then.

[17:31] We'll just cut it together.

[17:32] We'll cut it together later.

[17:33] It reminds me of a story I think John Ford used to tell where if they were waiting for script pages

[17:40] or when he was first starting out making westerns, not later,

[17:43] but when he was making kind of cheaper westerns earlier, maybe it was Alan Jwan.

[17:47] I think it was Alan Jwan who told the story.

[17:48] They were like, we're waiting for the script.

[17:51] You know what?

[17:52] All you guys ride your horses up the street this way.

[17:55] Okay, now ride them back that way.

[17:57] We'll cut that footage in somehow later.

[17:59] Like as long as I'm shooting footage of horses running somewhere, we can use it later.

[18:02] It feels like that with cars in this one.

[18:04] I think I've told this story.

[18:06] Well, John Keys and Tom Chain just babble at each other.

[18:09] Sure.

[18:10] No, I think I've told this story maybe on the podcast before.

[18:13] So this is a twice told tale.

[18:14] I just can't remember.

[18:15] But I remember reading that like every episode of the Rockford Files had a car chase in it

[18:20] because they didn't know how long the scripts were going to come in,

[18:23] so they could just expand or shrink the car chase sequence to make sure they're exactly one hour.

[18:30] So this sort of technique has been passed down.

[18:33] Well, through the generations.

[18:34] Through the generations.

[18:35] From the early days of Silent Westerns to the Rockford Files to Drive Hard.

[18:40] Truly a torchbearer.

[18:44] So it's not long before the news hits the news that Thomas Jane and John Cusack are on the run.

[18:50] The police are after him, but then they're called off

[18:53] because it turns out John Cusack stole the money from a corrupt mafia bank

[18:58] that also once hired him to steal a diamond,

[19:01] and at this point I thought they're going to try to steal that diamond back.

[19:03] Nope.

[19:04] This movie doesn't have the budget for a fake diamond.

[19:06] So instead they're just stealing.

[19:08] He went to jail because they sold him out,

[19:10] and so now he's stealing money he feels he's going to.

[19:12] A bunch of bearer bonds.

[19:13] Nine million dollars in bear bonds,

[19:14] which I assume entitles you to a bear when you turn it into a bear bank.

[19:18] Yeah, I mean at least one.

[19:19] Nine million of them?

[19:20] Nine million bears.

[19:22] This has got to be a pretty good bear.

[19:23] This guy's one of those top bears.

[19:25] I don't even know if there's that many bears in the world.

[19:27] What would a top bear be?

[19:28] Pandas are the rarest, right?

[19:30] I would imagine a Teddy Ruxpin because he can talk and tell stories.

[19:33] That is not actually a bear, though.

[19:35] What is it then?

[19:36] It looks like a bear.

[19:37] I mean, it's bear-like.

[19:40] Are you saying it's barely a bear?

[19:42] No, I'm saying bear at all.

[19:43] You didn't say that.

[19:44] You just said that.

[19:45] That's terrible.

[19:46] Barely legal, which is about bears that have not committed crimes.

[19:49] It's about bears that barely look like bears.

[19:52] They mostly look like very young women.

[19:56] They look a little bit like bears.

[19:58] That's weird.

[20:00] very specific fetish that I'm sure actually exists

[20:03] in a bear-like women.

[20:06] Or I guess they'd be like, like anthropomorphic female bears.

[20:09] Yeah, it's like one of those...

[20:10] Yeah, it's like the No Girls Allowed Berenstain Bears, uh, book.

[20:15] Wait, what?

[20:16] You didn't read that Berenstain Bears book where girls weren't allowed in the boys' clubhouse?

[20:19] Now you're getting gross about a child's fictional character.

[20:23] He was talking about anthropomorphized bears.

[20:25] Yeah, but he wasn't talking about underage bears.

[20:27] But in a sexy way. We never get to see what's under all the bears.

[20:28] Do you all know how old those bears are?

[20:31] They call them kids, but...

[20:33] In bear years, they could be centuries old.

[20:36] You don't know, a bear doesn't...

[20:37] You gotta cut them in half and count their rings.

[20:41] And you don't know what the mental age of those bears are.

[20:43] Those bears could have old souls.

[20:46] Yeah, they're mature beyond their years, and really isn't that what it counts?

[20:51] Their character is creepy bear guy.

[20:53] Creepy pedophile bear lover, which I assume is what, like, John Muir was, maybe.

[20:59] Just kidding, John Muir was a great man.

[21:01] Anyway, so, long story short, the head of the bank calls off the police because they're corrupt.

[21:07] But that doesn't stop the federal police, represented by a tough, sexy lady,

[21:14] from getting into arguments with the state police.

[21:18] And at this point, we're introduced to the least interesting subplot of the movie,

[21:22] which is there's a corrupt policeman who's in conflict with this woman FBI-type agent.

[21:28] The movie just gets about for long periods of time, and we wonder if he just wasn't there.

[21:32] To the most hilariously abrupt ending, too.

[21:34] Where they just all shoot each other.

[21:36] Yeah, there are certain things that happen in this movie that are genuinely...

[21:39] And we don't see if any of them survive. We have to assume they all die.

[21:42] No, I think they're all dead.

[21:43] There are things in this movie that are genuinely shocking,

[21:45] and it's not necessarily that they're so inherently shocking,

[21:48] it's that you don't expect them out of this movie.

[21:51] The thing is, Australia is a dangerous place, dude.

[21:53] Yeah, we all saw the Mad Max movies, and...

[21:57] There's, like, spiders that'll kill you if they look at your own.

[21:59] Wake and Fear.

[22:00] But I feel like most of the tone of this movie, like, this movie might as well be...

[22:04] It's called Wake and Fear in my head.

[22:06] Wages of Wake and Fear.

[22:08] This movie might as well be, like, one step above the Apple Bumpling Gang for most of it.

[22:12] But then every now and then a character will be, like, his head blown off.

[22:15] So, for instance, there's a couple of little mini-quests that our heroes go on

[22:19] as they try to reach some drop-off point that John Cusack needs to go to,

[22:23] which is very poorly defined.

[22:25] And even after watching the movie, John Cusack keeps going,

[22:27] you just gotta drive me where I need to go.

[22:29] I'm not sure where he ended up needing to go.

[22:31] Just to a boat somewhere? Like, I'm not sure.

[22:33] But they go to...

[22:35] I think the journey is the real thing, dude.

[22:37] Yeah, that's true. Each hard drive starts with a thousand miles on the speedometer.

[22:43] See, like, even now I was like, why is he talking about hard drives?

[22:47] It's called Drive Hard.

[22:50] So the first of these mini-adventures is the tale of the wedding winery.

[22:54] They stop off at a winery where a lesbian wedding is gonna happen.

[22:58] We see a banner that's...

[23:00] They have to stop because the muscle car they're driving turns out to be a...

[23:02] It's overheated.

[23:04] Yeah, it's a junker.

[23:06] Yeah, John Cusack at a certain point has switched out the driving school car they were in

[23:10] for a muscle car.

[23:12] He convinces Thomas Jane to keep driving him by shooting him several times with rubber bullets

[23:16] in the butt and the legs.

[23:19] That's what you sit on when you're in a car.

[23:21] Sure, that would impair his driving ability.

[23:23] But...

[23:25] Well, the best drivers, it's really their glutes that are doing most of the work.

[23:27] Well, your leg, you also use that for a car.

[23:31] Because what happens if he breaks his arms and he has to drive with his butt?

[23:33] Yeah, I guess you use pretty much all your body for driving.

[23:37] Not your tongue.

[23:39] Yeah, well, your tongue...

[23:41] Your torso is kind of like an intermediate part of the...

[23:46] I mean, it's engaged. You engage your core while you're driving.

[23:48] But it's not like you're on a yoga ball or anything while driving.

[23:52] I mean, you could be.

[23:54] You could be a yoga ball car.

[23:56] Yeah, like in Richard Scarry's busy town healthy place where they're all doing yoga.

[24:00] Like the yoga Flintstones.

[24:02] Yeah, they're rolling along while your little feet go on.

[24:04] So the whole car is a yoga ball?

[24:06] Yeah, that's right.

[24:08] You're just sitting on a ball at that point. It's not a car.

[24:10] Yeah.

[24:12] You can't hang a giant rack of ribs on the side of that ball.

[24:15] No, it'll fall right over.

[24:17] Fair enough.

[24:19] I don't even know what we're talking about anymore.

[24:21] Oh, they go to the winery.

[24:23] They go to the winery. They say they're guests at this wedding that hasn't started yet.

[24:25] It's run by an old man and an old lady who bicker with each other.

[24:29] And conveniently own a muscle car.

[24:31] Yes. They bicker with each other lewdly.

[24:33] They use a lot of swear words.

[24:35] The old lady sees on the TV...

[24:37] Everyone in the movie, whether on the TV, the internet, the radio, whatever...

[24:41] News pertinent to the plot of the movie channel.

[24:43] Where they find out that the people they've just seen are robbers and go after them.

[24:47] So the old lady sees that there's a reward for these robbers and just starts shooting a handgun at them.

[24:51] Thomas Jane has a fist fight...

[24:53] She didn't even see it was alive only.

[24:55] That she wouldn't get the reward if they were dead.

[24:57] Yeah, yeah.

[24:59] She was blinded by dollar signs.

[25:01] Sure. And blood rage.

[25:03] And she's swearing and shooting a gun.

[25:05] And Thomas Jane has a fist fight with her.

[25:08] I'm going to come clean.

[25:10] There's a lot of jokes in this movie I enjoyed.

[25:12] One of them is John Cusack runs to the car and sits in it.

[25:14] And while Thomas Jane is struggling with this old lady...

[25:16] John Cusack is honking the horn as if his friend is dawdling at the house they're trying to leave.

[25:20] Like Thomas Jane is just wasting time.

[25:22] And so he's fighting this old lady.

[25:24] And John Cusack is just like...

[25:26] Honk, honk. Let's go. Hurry it up.

[25:28] Like Thomas Jane forgot they needed to run away somewhere.

[25:30] Yeah.

[25:33] They escape after the old lady accidentally shoots her husband.

[25:35] Thus ending The Tale of the Wedding Winery.

[25:37] On to the next minisode.

[25:39] Please, Chaucer, tell us the next tale.

[25:41] Then there was the tale of the gas station attendant.

[25:43] Gather ye round the fire.

[25:45] And as we go to Beckett's grave,

[25:47] I shall tell thee the tale.

[25:49] It seems our two heroic gentlemen,

[25:51] rogues though they may be,

[25:53] have found their way to the gas station.

[25:55] And as we go to Beckett's grave,

[25:57] I shall tell thee the tale.

[25:59] It seems our two heroic gentlemen,

[26:02] rogues though they may be,

[26:04] Thomas of Jane and Cusack of John,

[26:06] stopped at a petrol relief station

[26:08] so as to fuel their horseless carriage

[26:10] for the journey anon.

[26:12] The man at the station,

[26:14] of course,

[26:16] because his computer

[26:18] is set to a desktop screensaver

[26:20] of the current news,

[26:22] shows him that there is a ward

[26:24] for these two brigandist gentlemen.

[26:26] He takes out a humped-up

[26:28] gas mask,

[26:30] a humped-action shotgun,

[26:32] and just starts

[26:34] shooting left and right.

[26:36] John Cusack sneaks around the back

[26:38] and puts his gun to the gas station attendant.

[26:40] After the wackiest chase around the inside

[26:42] of this tiny little gas station.

[26:44] There's literally like a pile of

[26:46] sacks in the middle of the room.

[26:48] And this guy is just chasing Thomas Jane around it.

[26:50] It's like a Bugs Bunny routine.

[26:52] It's not that far off from the scene where

[26:54] Thunder is chasing

[26:56] the guy at the end of Big Trouble in

[26:58] Small China where

[27:00] Thunder is chasing Wong back and forth

[27:02] and just stuff keeps flying out

[27:04] from the sides.

[27:06] So John Cusack shows up and says,

[27:08] Hey buddy, just put the gun down.

[27:10] He puts his guns at the guy.

[27:12] The guy starts putting his pump-action shotgun down

[27:14] and jostles it too much on the floor and it blows

[27:16] his head off.

[27:18] That was the Christina Hendricks

[27:20] getting it in drive of the movie

[27:22] where I was like, whoa, I didn't expect that to happen

[27:24] so bloody.

[27:26] The cops get killed later on in the movie.

[27:28] So this is just genuinely...

[27:30] But Oscar Isaac is okay, right?

[27:32] Nothing bad happens to him, right?

[27:34] Yeah, sure, yeah.

[27:36] Imagine the scene where the kid

[27:38] gets his head blown off in Pulp Fiction.

[27:40] Or even Planet Terror.

[27:42] No, Pulp Fiction in the car.

[27:44] Planet Terror is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[27:46] It's like a young guy.

[27:48] Imagine the shock of that the first time you saw that

[27:50] but in a movie

[27:52] unlike Pulp Fiction that hasn't been

[27:54] filled with violence up until that point.

[27:56] Yeah, a movie that's been pretty

[27:58] relatively bloodless.

[28:00] Except for language,

[28:02] this is a PG-13 movie.

[28:04] And then a guy's head just gets blown off.

[28:06] As an accident, as a joke.

[28:08] Which is pretty great, honestly.

[28:10] I did not expect it.

[28:12] Yeah, it's out of tone.

[28:14] Thomas Jane, everyone's all

[28:16] crazed about it. Thomas Jane

[28:18] has a couple of different phone calls

[28:20] with his wife that go...

[28:22] Fucking phone calls, dude.

[28:24] And thus ends the quest of the gas station.

[28:26] The quest of the doomed

[28:28] attendants.

[28:30] I think somewhere in there we get to know

[28:32] the villain, the head of the bank

[28:34] who's also got another

[28:36] evil crime boss that's

[28:38] pressuring him to get the money back.

[28:40] And there's this funny scene where

[28:42] we basically find out

[28:44] what the villain's motivations are and the villain

[28:46] tries to entreat his boss to a drink

[28:48] and he motions to two glasses

[28:50] of scotch that have already been poured and are

[28:52] sitting on his desk.

[28:54] Which is just a great little bit of set dress.

[28:56] I don't like the scotch from the night before

[28:58] but I'm sure it's still good.

[29:00] I mean, you don't need to put it in the

[29:02] fridge or anything, just put ice in there.

[29:04] Just leave it out, why not?

[29:06] That's the great thing about scotch.

[29:08] Your mouth is dirtier than those glasses are

[29:10] right now. There's also the scene

[29:12] earlier where I think it's that same boss

[29:14] is in a meeting and he's just asking

[29:16] questions to this room full of people and he's like

[29:18] where's the double points?

[29:20] What's the S&P on this?

[29:22] Who's got the profit drive?

[29:24] And it's clear that...

[29:26] We're an important business, who's involved in this business?

[29:28] Business stuff, money things.

[29:30] And you can tell that everyone in the room

[29:32] is an extra who is not being paid to say dialogue.

[29:34] So he's just barking out questions

[29:36] that nobody answers

[29:38] to make it look like a meeting is in progress.

[29:40] Yeah, but instead it makes it look like he's a madman.

[29:42] Like they're a bunch of psychologists

[29:44] who've been assembled to make a judgment on him.

[29:46] There is kidnap victims

[29:48] and he has a bizarre fantasy

[29:50] about being the CEO

[29:52] of like Kill Core or something like that.

[29:54] You just sit there and smile.

[29:56] We work for you.

[29:58] We work for you.

[30:00] black triple x security it is it's called black triple x security which

[30:04] sounds like a porn site that has a security arm have night stick will

[30:08] travel on night stick get it cuz once you go security you'll never go hub

[30:15] birdie yep that's the saying right yeah just like he just like Wesley Snipes and

[30:21] bastard 57 just like you said in passenger 57 always bet on security

[30:36] always been on tomatoes mixed with vinegar good things come to those who

[30:43] wait I'll see you in hell someone there's something dripping from the

[30:54] ceiling they go is that ketchup dripping too fast that's blood could be watered

[31:01] down ketchup no no it's blood trust me why is why would blood be dripping from

[31:04] here look let's just investigate maybe there's a murderous 1600 or something

[31:08] could be just drinking it oh it is ketchup no okay so so another great

[31:15] tangent Wesley Snipes is ketchup rolls let's deal with that later he sells the

[31:21] rolls with ketchup on these nice ketchup rolls they're Dutch potato rolls with

[31:27] ketchup in the middle yeah they're there you know it's after the IRS heavily

[31:34] garnished his salary cuz he also he back sacks our shit with he needed to

[31:38] find a business or a pony into and so he came up with Wesley Snipes catch for

[31:42] holes it all ties into his movie blade which is about a guy who uses a knife to

[31:49] break the vacuum seal on ketchup bottles so that it pours out better now

[31:53] I I space apps maybe you maybe you surface tension I guess maybe you cover

[31:57] this but I assume these are like Cinnabon style yeah I covered this in my

[32:02] elaborate thesis no I I don't know you mean my Cinnabon style it's a Dutch

[32:06] potato roll yeah they're in the middle I thought it was like you know it's like a

[32:11] pork bun roll it up oh no no no oh you mean like a Swiss roll cuz a Cinnabon is

[32:17] completely different I guess they pour it most of the frosting over hey guys

[32:22] want to hear a stupid joke the name is bond cinema doesn't get stupider than

[32:30] that does what it says on the label no more no less so okay there's a lot of

[32:36] phone conversations in this Thomas Jane calls his wife and they argue however

[32:40] John Cusick has convinced Thomas Jane that his wife doesn't respect him and

[32:45] no one respects him because he gave up his career when she asked him to and he

[32:48] needs to show his wife that he means business by being a bank robber talking

[32:52] back or whatever every time John Cusick finishes a phone conversation he throws

[32:55] the phone away and shoots it we're just fires his gun this is kind of evidence

[32:59] by the fact that his wife who claimed to have made him quit because she was

[33:03] frightened for his safety does not seem that concerned about his safety when it

[33:07] comes to robbing banks she seems more annoyed also here's the and there's this

[33:10] there's a scene where she's discovered that her husband is alleged as a bank

[33:14] robber and is still on the lam he might be in danger the cops are chasing she

[33:18] takes her daughter of school goes home and proceeds to make a salad now is this

[33:21] the activity of a woman who's worried about her husband's life yeah I ask the

[33:25] jury is this what a woman would do when worried that the man of her life is in

[33:30] danger you just a fix your suspenders just then I did but I didn't have any so

[33:34] I just pulled my shirt and it looked weird she's slicing up a tomato maybe

[33:39] for ketchup we tomato yeah maybe she's trying to make a homemade Wesley

[33:44] roll I don't know or drizzled on that salad she's making Heinz ketchup is

[33:50] great on a salad never heard of that before that's even worse than the family

[33:55] I grew I grew up with a friend who his family's put ketchup on spaghetti I mean

[34:01] thousand island dressing that's basically just white ketchup and what

[34:04] like mayo and and and secret spices relish relish and thousands of islands so

[34:11] basically you're just putting like what you would put on a hamburger like

[34:14] looping that all over a hamburger yeah a lot of people do that wrong yeah they do

[34:21] it in Europe Elliot and they're way advanced and stuff I forgot their

[34:24] attitude where history comes their attitude towards nudity and hamburgers

[34:28] so far advanced so sophisticated for into America so anywho speak did we

[34:34] mention this movie in Australia I don't know if we ever know that sometimes the

[34:37] movie seems to forget that considering Thomas Jane and John Cusack of the stars

[34:41] Thomas Jane despite having done an Australian accent in other movies does

[34:45] not bother with one in this he's an American and they cover that but

[34:49] everything about the movie it's like his kind of strange daughter is also

[34:53] American yeah she was just half American okay or ha American I think yeah and I

[34:57] think American comes from the father's side yeah now let's mention a couple

[35:01] scenes they did I was just gonna say the reason this is us in Australia though is

[35:05] it's directed by Brian Pritchard Smith who directed a previous recommendation

[35:10] of mine dead-end drive-in which I I really loved I just sort of randomly

[35:15] chose to watch it on Netflix because I had liked other ozploitation movies but

[35:20] this guy has been in the business for a long time you're gonna expand expand it

[35:23] he did oh shit I forget the other one I think he did Omega code 3 did he I

[35:29] believe so he did a couple of the leprechaun three yes for the friendly

[35:35] ghost Van Dien I think yeah he's a fun to hide but he's very friendly he seems

[35:39] to have fallen upon hard times based on the budget for this movie I don't know

[35:43] I've never really worked that far above a certain type of budget I didn't know

[35:47] of I mean he is this is a guy who's made his living I assumed for like 40 some

[35:51] idea I mean he did like stunt rock I think he did a lot of low-budget movies

[35:56] so I don't think this was him being like once I was at the top but now this you

[36:00] know that's true I mean yep I mean he was a young guy back then but dead-end

[36:05] drive-in is like has a lot of it's like a beautifully shot movie in a way that

[36:09] this door well I mean he's really different cinematographer than probably

[36:12] yeah unless they brought the whole dead-end drive-in see yeah I think I

[36:15] looked up that guy I think he went on to like work with Christopher Nolan later

[36:18] so he's like a good cinematographer that's moving up but anyway moving on up

[36:22] to the big to the bait to the deluxe Danny if that's moving up that I'm

[36:28] moving up all of a sudden like it we learned that this has all been a

[36:40] backdoor pilot for Stuart being in that Billy Joel musical the name of the song

[36:47] is moving out and not moving up catch up bottle of mustard you can have anything

[36:56] you want in our diner restaurant don't you've been my joke

[37:03] Stewart's musical moving up which is way he changed Billy Joel songs just enough

[37:08] not to get really Joel we didn't start a thingy I don't know what it was don't

[37:15] sue me you can't and I go walking while I'm dozing oh man I know I'm just

[37:27] thinking Billy Joel songs so on the up western Alexa anyway so there's it so

[37:36] John Cusack has a scene where he calls up the head of the bank for no reason

[37:40] other than to taunt him and tell him his wife is ugly is terrible but he had sex

[37:43] with her anyway and he didn't like it yeah he's just really mean and it's one

[37:47] of which one of any pointless phone calls the movie leading us all to the

[37:51] final of the minisodes the tale of the beat-up bikers oh yeah that was great

[37:59] it's a team of bikers are briefly hired by the bank to follow them they have a

[38:03] low-speed engagement involves I think some swearing maybe some aggressive

[38:10] driving Thomas Jane changes gears and drives around them stops at a hotel for

[38:15] a drink the bikers show up and John Cusack it's one of those things where

[38:20] John Cusack pulls a gun the Thompson's getting in it is in a fistfight even

[38:23] before that there's a moment where Thomas Jane's having an interaction with

[38:27] the bikers and yet again he's talking to them and instead of actually responding

[38:31] to him they just shake their heads or nod their heads they start firing at the

[38:39] ground making Thomas Jane jump in the air it's very peewee harmony and then

[38:43] it's one of those types and then it gets into a fistfight where someone holds

[38:47] Thomas Jane a woman biker goes to punch him he moves his head and she

[38:50] accidentally punches the guy holding him and the guy holding him isn't like you

[38:54] didn't mean to hit me you met Thomas Jane I saw what happened he was a

[38:57] reasonable man he wouldn't be in this biker get off on the same team here it's

[39:01] while we're wearing jackets with the same logo on the back we're all part of

[39:04] the Queensland skull folks that look we're all on the same team instead he's

[39:09] the sunshine state Queensland Queensland which as a license plate

[39:12] tells us the sunshine state which is bullshit there's one sunshine state

[39:16] it's called Flo Rida and it's a rapper Wow yeah it does that song about the

[39:22] boots with the fur okay and that's all I like that one

[39:25] so sure do yeah it briefly almost we get low like it almost turned low low low

[39:30] yep it almost turns I'm getting low we all have a low some is higher some is

[39:42] lower did you ever sue a guy who sang a song so different from yours don't sue

[39:49] me now Billy Joel I changed a lot of the song only the good guys are young

[40:00] Bop bop bop. Only good guys are young. Only good guys are young.

[40:05] Bad guys are old and only good guys are young.

[40:10] Mr. Miyagi down on Mulligan Street.

[40:18] Billy Joel said, I'm looking into legal action.

[40:22] Who remembers where it all can ban? Out there in some guy's place.

[40:28] It's no man's land. By the way, I was wrong about the

[40:32] cinematographer, but the guy who wrote Dead and Drive In is Peter Carey,

[40:37] the novelist who wrote Oscar and Lucinda, among other things.

[40:39] Oh, okay. I never saw that. I know there's two people in it named Oscar and Lucinda.

[40:44] Oh, you had to be a great shot, did ya? Shooting things really great.

[40:50] You had to be a great shot, oh yeah. Shooting up the robots, oh yeah.

[40:57] Don't shoot those robots. Anyway, Billy Joel.

[41:04] Anyway, the bikers. So we get into a real fracas.

[41:06] We get one of these. It's all rocking chairs to me.

[41:11] Everybody's talking about those new chairs, buddy, but I'll tell you, rocking chairs.

[41:19] What other Billy Joel songs are there? Admiral Trips will get you high tonight.

[41:27] Wow. Yeah.

[41:29] Anyway. You have a surprisingly deep

[41:31] knowledge of Billy Joel songs. I grew up in New Jersey. My parents

[41:33] listened to a lot of Billy Joel songs. Okay.

[41:35] I was trying to think of one off of pressure, but I'm having trouble.

[41:38] My dad was big on the Simply Red. I'm just remembering.

[41:41] Simply Red and Steely Dan. My family's been on Billy Joel,

[41:45] Bruce Springsteen, but not Bon Jovi. We weren't that type of New Jersey.

[41:50] Sure. I mean, Billy Joel's really a Long Island musician.

[41:54] New Jersey claims him somewhat, but he's a Long Island musician.

[41:58] We're living here in Albert Town. We're living here in Allen's Town.

[42:04] Allen owns it, and he lets us live here. Oh, wow. I'm glad he specifies.

[42:11] It's a different song. Different song, William Joel.

[42:14] Are we done with the synopsis yet? No, we're not done.

[42:18] We're still fighting bikers. There's this biker fight that almost turns

[42:21] into- With biker mice from Mars?

[42:22] No, no cowboys from Mamesa. None of them. No street sharks.

[42:27] No Hollywood chainsaw hookers. All right.

[42:31] Is there a bolo-rama possibly filled with bimbos?

[42:34] With a slime ball? Wait, sorority babes?

[42:37] Oh, yeah. Sorority babes and a slime ball. Wait a minute. I saw a different movie.

[42:40] What's that Rollerbladers movie? Roller Babies?

[42:44] No, that's Solar Babies. That's Solar Babies.

[42:46] Roller Babies probably would have been a better name.

[42:49] There's like the Rollerblade 7 or something? Airborne?

[42:52] No, Air Bud. That's when they- Well, Airborne is a rollerblading movie.

[42:56] Joanna Man, that's what I'm thinking of.

[42:59] So this almost turns into a kind of Hal Needham bar fight scene where everybody's

[43:04] punching everybody until John Cusack comes in with his guns. The bikers pull out new guns.

[43:10] John Cusack and Thomas Jane hide behind the bar and the bikers take that as the cue to leave

[43:14] because the scene has to be over. Let's go, everybody.

[43:19] I think one of the bikers could call and they'd get distracted and walk off.

[43:23] I expect a fucking whistle to blow and it'd be like quitting time.

[43:26] It's one of those old sheepdog and wolf cartoons from Looney Tunes.

[43:30] They're at each other's throats and they're like,

[43:33] See you tomorrow, Frank. See you tomorrow, Ralph.

[43:35] Time to go back to that gas station and eat one of those meat pies that look so good.

[43:39] Those did look good. They were big meat pies.

[43:41] Michael Maltese with the gags. I don't know if that's him.

[43:44] It might have been. I mean, he did a lot of those gags.

[43:47] They called him the Maltese Falcon.

[43:49] Did they?

[43:49] No.

[43:50] All right.

[43:50] Why would they call him that? He's not a bird.

[43:56] So there are many scenes where it feels like the movie ran out of money for that scene,

[44:01] so it just ends. That's one of them.

[44:03] The bikers, maybe they planned a big shootout and it's like,

[44:07] Just realized that John Cusack is doing overtime.

[44:10] Yeah, there's going to be a bunch of like the bikers start getting shot.

[44:13] One of them hides behind the pool table and somebody else is like,

[44:16] Don't you fucking die on me, man.

[44:18] Someone shoots the billiard balls back and they all get knocked into the hole.

[44:21] Sure, it's like a raid sort of situation where they,

[44:24] you know, it's like it's all about the environment and somebody pulls out a machete.

[44:29] Oh, I thought you meant a raid situation because like cockroaches start running around going,

[44:33] Raid? And then someone sprays them.

[44:35] Yep. That would make it more like Life Less Ordinary.

[44:40] Yeah, this movie, it was around this time that I think, Stuart,

[44:42] you were mentioning it, but this felt like,

[44:44] like a 90s movie where people are just running around shooting each other, like.

[44:48] Basically, this is a Life Ordinary.

[44:50] A life, yeah, a life somewhat ordinary.

[44:54] So let's just cut to the chase, which the movie rarely does.

[44:58] For a movie called Drive Hard, very little chasing in it.

[45:01] They end up at a marina. The good guys defeat the bad guys.

[45:05] Don't worry, I think it's been rented out for the weekend so they can do whatever they want.

[45:09] As long as they clean up after themselves.

[45:11] Yeah.

[45:11] And it's one of those fight scenes where John Cusack has chained up the main bad guy

[45:16] and is just babbling some story about a monastery to him.

[45:19] Well, Thomas Jane drives around while a guy chases him, just shooting in the air wildly.

[45:24] Chases him on foot.

[45:26] Yeah, that's right, on foot.

[45:27] And then Thomas Jane eventually just bumps him with the car and knocks him down.

[45:31] Yeah, the bad guys hired goons are basically like kids at a laser tag arena,

[45:37] just running around blasting indiscriminately.

[45:40] While Thomas Jane circles around like a fucking shark.

[45:43] The good cops and the bad cops meet up on an abandoned road and shoot each other.

[45:48] Yeah, they have a Mexican standoff that ends in them just shooting simultaneously,

[45:52] which was also kind of hilarious because this has been a major subplot for the entire movie.

[45:59] And it's just like, oh, we got some extra characters that we just,

[46:02] we don't know how to do it, so we'll get rid of them.

[46:04] I guess they'll feed the dingoes.

[46:08] Extraneous stuff.

[46:10] And we could cut their scenes from the movie.

[46:11] No, leave it in.

[46:13] Even though it never really intersects with the main plot, just deal with it.

[46:17] They beat the bad guys and Thomas Jane lets John Cusack go.

[46:22] John Cusack handcuffs him to the car and beats him up to make it look like he was a

[46:25] hostage the whole time, even though by now they become friends.

[46:29] And Thomas Jane had chosen to continue the mission

[46:32] in order to impress his wife with his badassery.

[46:34] They're not as close as Charlie Sheen and Christy Swanson in The Chase.

[46:38] No.

[46:39] Because in that movie, those characters have sex.

[46:41] Yeah, maybe they had sex off camera.

[46:43] I don't know.

[46:43] While Charlie Sheen is driving.

[46:45] Yeah, it's really true.

[46:47] And they're not as close as Robert De Niro and Charles Brodin.

[46:49] While being chased by Henry Rollins and two of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I guess.

[46:53] Pick any two.

[46:54] Yeah, Jalapeno, I guess.

[47:00] Ghost and Jalapeno, the Chili Peppers.

[47:02] And they're not as close as Robert De Niro and Charles Brodin at the end of Midnight Run.

[47:06] No.

[47:07] Did they have sex?

[47:08] Yes, they're not as close as Steve Martin and John Goodman in Planes, Trains and Automobiles,

[47:13] who don't have sex, but one of them puts their hand in the other one's butt.

[47:15] Yeah, and they share Thanksgiving together.

[47:18] It's implied.

[47:18] We don't know that John Goodman actually...

[47:22] John Candy.

[47:22] Sorry, not John Goodman.

[47:23] John Candy.

[47:24] We know that John Candy actually sticks around.

[47:26] He's just at the door crying to himself.

[47:28] My wife died.

[47:29] I'm annoying.

[47:31] And Steve Martin's wife is like, you get that shower-ringing salesman out of here.

[47:36] You get Uncle Buck them.

[47:38] Buck out of our house.

[47:39] Yep.

[47:40] He came in with a drill.

[47:42] He drilled the door open.

[47:44] I forgot.

[47:44] He does that on Thanksgiving.

[47:46] I forgot he was a shower-ring salesman.

[47:48] Yeah.

[47:49] Yeah, he makes money for them by selling the shower rings as earrings.

[47:52] Ah, that's true, right?

[47:54] The old earring showering grift.

[47:56] Oldest trick in the book.

[47:58] So they're not as close as the little kid and Ed O'Neill at the end of Dutch.

[48:02] Not...

[48:02] Well, I mean, that's literally a stepdad, I think.

[48:04] So, yeah.

[48:06] They don't have sex in that either.

[48:08] But they do look at nudie playing cards.

[48:10] And at one point, the boy falls asleep with his face on a girl's boob.

[48:14] That's where...

[48:15] Sounds like a great adventure they had together.

[48:18] No, not until the end when they went to Great Adventure, a Six Flags theme park.

[48:22] Very specifically, not Wally World, as that would be.

[48:27] No, but also has John Candy in it.

[48:29] Okay.

[48:29] So we're back around.

[48:30] Anyway, in the end, everybody's happy.

[48:33] Thomas Jane turns down John Cusack's offer of money.

[48:36] He doesn't need it anymore.

[48:37] He becomes a local hero.

[48:40] That's a movie set in that part of the world.

[48:42] He becomes a local hero and gets sponsorship money to become a race car driver again.

[48:46] His wife now respects him and has sex with him again because he's now a badass.

[48:50] And...

[48:51] Doesn't cut his hair though.

[48:52] The movie just kind of keeps going.

[48:53] And the same reporter that we've seen reporting the story throughout the film,

[48:56] because she's on call 24 hours a day, wraps up the tale.

[49:01] The tale, I drive hard.

[49:03] Speaking of tales, the end of the movie ends with a shot of race cars driving around a track,

[49:08] which is the opening shot of the movie.

[49:10] So it's like a full circle.

[49:11] Yeah, yeah.

[49:13] It's like how life is a circle of us running around in circles on a track.

[49:18] Okay.

[49:19] I don't know if that's a weird metaphor.

[49:21] If only it could be less ordinary and somebody could be Claymation or something.

[49:28] So we started late, we're going long.

[49:30] Um, this movie...

[49:33] Was it a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[49:36] I'm going to go first.

[49:37] This is between good bad in the scenes that don't have Cusack and Thomas Jane

[49:44] and movie I kind of liked in the scenes that had both of them.

[49:47] Because the funny thing to me is like Thomas Jane is supposed to be the

[49:51] straight-laced normal hero and I feel like he walked onto set,

[49:55] saw John Cusack and he's like, oh, you're going to play it that way?

[49:58] Well, I'm going to ham it up too.

[50:00] I'm going to out ham you, even though I'm supposed to be the normal one in this situation.

[50:04] And John Cusack was like, you out ham me? Get me a vape smoker.

[50:08] So I really, there seems to be a lot of fun watching this.

[50:12] They only had enough money for one e-cigarette in the budget.

[50:16] I'm with Dan. I'm actually just going to give it a full force movie. I kind of like the stuff.

[50:20] Like you were saying, when John Cusack and Thomas Jane were not on camera,

[50:24] it was very boring, but there's not those, I mean for the most part it's them just

[50:28] kind of improvising scenes for the most part with each other, or just like

[50:32] treating the script as cavalierly as possible and hamming it up as much as possible.

[50:36] The scene where John Cusack is trying to get his seatbelt out and just can't do it

[50:40] while they're driving is so goofy.

[50:44] It goes on and on. It's the same gag of him not being able to put his seatbelt on.

[50:48] It really does feel like they said, you know what?

[50:52] Why are we taking this movie seriously? Come on. Let's just do this thing.

[50:56] It's the first time I've seen John Cusack in a movie in years where it looks like he's enjoying himself at all.

[51:00] And he's not being super creepy or serious or something.

[51:04] You guys, I'm going to blow your mind.

[51:08] Because I totally agree with both of you.

[51:12] We're going to Australia!

[51:16] They've got just two days to get to Australia, which is okay. It's like a 24 hour flight.

[51:20] They can make it.

[51:24] I've had good luck in the past with movies from Australia, and I had it again.

[51:28] Thanks, you goofy comics.

[51:32] When Thomas Jane got into the car with John Cusack, I think the three of us looked at each other

[51:36] and were like, this is going to be good.

[51:40] Also, when we saw that it was a 99 cent rental.

[51:44] The unreleased in theaters movie was a 99 cent rental.

[51:48] You read something from Amazon.

[51:52] That's SD. It's $4.99. This was 99 cents.

[51:56] Both, HD and SD. I think SD are just giving it away.

[52:00] I said plus 99 cents.

[52:04] We're going to credit your account 99 cents for watching this.

[52:08] I would say best flop house value, certainly.

[52:12] Use that 99 cents to buy, I don't know, fishing lures or something? Consumer reports?

[52:16] This is a movie that's a mix of low budget ingenuity and not giving a shit.

[52:20] There's an explosion, and you can totally see the jack underneath the car that makes it flip.

[52:24] There's something beautiful in that.

[52:28] Again, there's no thrills to this movie.

[52:32] As a heist movie, an action movie, it is terrible.

[52:36] But as a movie where Thomas Jane and John Cusack hang around in a car...

[52:40] Where they hired a biker gang to drive around a car, and then that's it.

[52:44] You could recut this movie, make it 60 minutes long, and it would be essentially The Trip,

[52:48] but with John Cusack and Thomas Jane instead of Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.

[52:52] It would be a much better movie.

[52:56] Five stars. Best of the year.

[53:00] Let's move on to letters from listeners.

[53:04] Better than Fury Road, says Dan McCoy.

[53:08] The best thing to come out of Australia, full stop.

[53:12] That's what I said.

[53:16] Now you like that sweet cheddar.

[53:20] I do. Well, I like mild cheddar.

[53:24] Sweet cheddar is like honey baked into the cows or something so the milk comes out sweet.

[53:28] Well, you're baked into a cow.

[53:32] Next thing you tell me, you can't get a roll with some ketchup in the middle.

[53:36] So it's letters time.

[53:40] First letters from David Lassner.

[53:44] And people write letters.

[53:48] Can you hear the letters in a big letter?

[53:52] Letters stay with you like the melting sun on a mountain thing.

[53:56] Stay awake.

[54:00] Sorry.

[54:04] Because our beds are letters.

[54:08] Big Country and Land Down Under.

[54:12] I just did Midnight Oil.

[54:16] So what other ones are there?

[54:20] You can letter if you want to.

[54:24] I know they don't have hats.

[54:28] Hatless.

[54:32] So this is from

[54:36] Dear Flopmeisters.

[54:40] Master Flopmeisters in 1647.

[54:44] To understand the intangible chemistry that makes the original peaches work so well together.

[54:48] Like rock, paper, and scissors, the three stooges, the holy trinity of Star Wars movies,

[54:52] the Marx Brothers, not counting Zeppo, the three musketeers, etc.,

[54:56] the sum is greater than its parts.

[55:00] Which brings me to my main question.

[55:04] Who would be the best like-for-like replacement host?

[55:08] I can see comic and movie fan Patton Oswalt as super talkative and name-dropping

[55:12] manic pixie stand-in for Elliot.

[55:16] We all know that Stewart has a switch-the-cores-for-dope doppelganger in Seth Rogen.

[55:20] Sorry, Stu. Even Dan, the potto maker,

[55:24] has to take a break.

[55:28] I'm trying to get through this before you interrupt me.

[55:32] A drab, I guess.

[55:36] Even Dan, the potto maker,

[55:40] has to take a break sometimes.

[55:44] What's a potto maker?

[55:48] Pod POD? I like podcast.

[55:52] If only there was someone with basic digital audio skills and a mournful sigh.

[55:56] Yeah, DJ Eeyore.

[56:00] The electronica donkey.

[56:04] I feel like we should suggest replacements for each other

[56:08] rather than for ourselves.

[56:12] Well, I thought Jordan Morris from Jordan-Jesse-Go was a lovely

[56:16] Elliot stand-in. He did a very good job.

[56:20] He doesn't have Elliot's manic energy. He's not as entertaining as I am.

[56:24] He brings a level of professionalism that I refuse to work towards.

[56:28] A level of non-interrupting-ness.

[56:32] I would suggest one of those Easter Island heads.

[56:36] Handsome? I wouldn't say as much as you'd like.

[56:40] And for Dan, I guess you should have done Stuart.

[56:44] You know, you'd do Stuart. Forget it.

[56:48] Yeah, do me. Do me, Dan.

[56:52] And for Dan, I'm going to say Rhea Perlman.

[56:56] Thanks. I'm thinking of myself as sort of a sassy

[57:00] African-American sort of character.

[57:04] So we'd all be actors from Cheers.

[57:08] That's right. Cheers with an Easter Island head.

[57:12] And Jordan Morris.

[57:16] So almost nobody from Cheers.

[57:20] Almost nobody from Cheers.

[57:24] That's going to be on Rhea Perlman's tombstone.

[57:28] Rhea Perlman's grave will have almost nobody from Cheers in it. Just going to have one person.

[57:32] I love that as a description of anything.

[57:36] We can't do partial people.

[57:40] You see a Broadway musical that's advertised as starring almost nobody from Cheers.

[57:44] But it means there's got to be someone from Cheers in it.

[57:48] I don't know. It's the guy who played Paul. He's in it.

[57:52] The guy who barely said anything.

[57:56] He was Cliff's friend.

[58:00] Cliff didn't have any friends.

[58:04] Maybe Cliff did have friends.

[58:08] We all have friends, Elliot. Even though sometimes we don't feel like we do.

[58:12] You want to go where everybody knows your name.

[58:16] Because sometimes you don't know your name and you think your name is, what was it, Dab? Dad?

[58:20] I said Dad.

[58:24] So this is titled, Letter from the Grave.

[58:28] Dear Elliot, Dan, Hallie, and Stuart.

[58:32] In order of who's most to least culpable for my death.

[58:36] Well, Hallie's the star.

[58:40] I ignored the first hard ask Elliot made for us to become MaxFun members, quote, right now.

[58:44] Because I thought, surely he didn't mean right now.

[58:48] By the second demand, it became clear that Elliot did mean right now.

[58:52] If you go to the MaxFun website right now, and my car is in the Hudson and I'm dead now,

[58:56] are you satisfied? You will be hearing from my ghost attorney, hauntingly yours,

[59:00] Remy, last name provided because I'm dead now and what harm can it do,

[59:04] myself, Louis, of course it's our pal Remy, who shows up

[59:08] at everyone's show. She really is a ghost now.

[59:12] She's a die-hard Flophouse fan in that she's dead now.

[59:16] She died hard, driving hard.

[59:20] What? You can't see?

[59:24] So you and Casper didn't get together, is what I'm saying.

[59:28] She's an adult. Casper's still a kid.

[59:32] Casper's still a little boy.

[59:36] A little boy? Does he have legs or is he like a not-me?

[59:40] No, no, he has legs. It's those other ghosts that don't have legs.

[59:44] He doesn't age because he's a ghost.

[59:48] You would die and your ghost would keep aging.

[59:52] What kind of terrible purgatory does he live in?

[59:56] So you've got all these decrepit thousand-year-old ghosts wandering around.

[1:00:00] down and break in a go-rights that's the thing i should be made up

[1:00:03] on the floor

[1:00:04] uh...

[1:00:05] uh... so yeah everybody should go out and become uh...

[1:00:09] uh... donors for the next one and what does that start right now don't have a

[1:00:13] right now literally right now car or i don't know in class

[1:00:17] yet performing surgery and

[1:00:20] uh... i guess what i want to say is

[1:00:22] right now hey

[1:00:24] we're here tomorrow

[1:00:26] right now

[1:00:27] maximum

[1:00:28] it's a

[1:00:29] everything to do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you do you

[1:00:32] know what i want to do you have to do you know

[1:00:35] uh... well

[1:00:37] uh... to to to to to to to to to to to to to to

[1:00:41] notice that uh... that van halen song so shitty i've confused it with the

[1:00:45] users i was not going to call attention to it

[1:00:49] uh...

[1:00:50] so this last letter

[1:00:52] for elliot

[1:00:53] foreign for elliott's i'm seeing quite a few people here

[1:00:57] foreign loanwords a lot of simpsons references foreign loanwords in japanese

[1:01:01] and huttese

[1:01:03] it may be necessary for elliot and stewart to assist dan with his

[1:01:06] pronunciation of the foreign words in this letter

[1:01:10] hello floppers

[1:01:11] long-time listener first-time writer

[1:01:13] i have an answer to a statement elliot pondered over a long time ago about why

[1:01:17] the huts do not have their own phrase for

[1:01:19] jedi mind trick

[1:01:21] and actually links to a similar statement elliot made in the teenage

[1:01:24] mutant ninja turtles episode oh yeah that the japanese have no word for turtle soup

[1:01:27] yeah

[1:01:28] he refused to believe that turtle soup in japanese would simply be

[1:01:31] tatoro supo

[1:01:33] that is to say the english phrase said with a japanese accent

[1:01:37] as an english man living in japan i can tell you the japanese use a combination

[1:01:40] of english and japanese words for everyday life

[1:01:43] the japanese actually have a entire script used for writing foreign words

[1:01:46] called

[1:01:47] katakana

[1:01:49] which is very often just the english word said in japanese syllables

[1:01:52] for example japanese has its own word for chicken

[1:01:55] tori and rice gohan

[1:01:57] but the phrase chicken rice is transliterated as

[1:02:00] chicken rice soup

[1:02:02] likewise rent-a-car is simply

[1:02:04] rent-a-car

[1:02:05] so while the japanese do have their own words for turtle soup the phrase

[1:02:08] turtle soup

[1:02:09] was likely introduced to them by americans and hence they would use the

[1:02:11] transliterated english phrase

[1:02:14] rather than translating it into japanese

[1:02:16] because they're what lazy

[1:02:18] they're too lazy to use their own language

[1:02:20] they go to the trouble of using another language

[1:02:22] so it's entirely possible that the huttese does have its own word for mind

[1:02:25] and trick

[1:02:26] but the huttese choose to keep the foreign phrases phonetically intact

[1:02:29] i'm not a star wars expert so i cannot be certain but i hope elliot enjoys this

[1:02:33] interpretation

[1:02:34] love your show keep on flopping

[1:02:36] graham last name withheld

[1:02:39] huh it's an interesting interpretation

[1:02:41] i'm just gonna go ahead and say that i don't believe the japanese who are an

[1:02:45] industrious people did would do that

[1:02:47] but i do believe the huts who are big fat lazy slobs who lie around on daises

[1:02:51] with ladies and monkeys crawling all over them

[1:02:55] would just be too lazy to use their own words

[1:02:58] but then every other word he uses is huttese

[1:03:01] yeah bantha poodoo etc

[1:03:02] bantha poodoo

[1:03:04] maybe bantha is a huttese word

[1:03:05] nojabawonga except then he uses the word no

[1:03:09] maybe no is also huttese the same way it's both english and spanish

[1:03:13] that makes sense

[1:03:15] i mean it's a deep well guys

[1:03:17] we could go down this hole forever

[1:03:19] let's go down this hole

[1:03:20] the hutt hole

[1:03:22] just cuddle in this hole

[1:03:25] yes the sarlacc is the hutt hole

[1:03:27] it's like a giant space anus

[1:03:29] lined with teeth

[1:03:32] so dan what do we do now that the letters are over?

[1:03:36] well we were running

[1:03:37] we are running very long so we had to bump a couple

[1:03:41] so um

[1:03:43] this is the part of the podcast where we recommend movies movies that we liked

[1:03:47] this is the part nobody likes

[1:03:48] uh... except us

[1:03:50] elliot why don't you go first

[1:03:51] me? you've been going last a lot lately

[1:03:54] uh... so let's save the best for first and uh... just kidding i'm going to recommend

[1:03:58] two movies both australian

[1:04:00] why two?

[1:04:01] it's k

[1:04:03] what? i said k

[1:04:05] so that's spanish? you said why two k

[1:04:08] i thought you were saying k like in spanish

[1:04:11] it was even dumber than that

[1:04:12] even not as dumb as my

[1:04:14] bon cinnabon joke

[1:04:17] so uh... i guess you're winning this episode? yeah in terms of stupid

[1:04:21] uh...

[1:04:22] there's two i'm going to recommend two movies

[1:04:25] both of them i liked but one's for the ladies and one's for the dudes

[1:04:28] both australian for the ladies a little movie but guys can watch the lady movie

[1:04:32] and ladies can watch the guy movie i'm just saying

[1:04:35] stereotypical watch. it's like outback steakhouse in australia it's no rules just right

[1:04:39] yeah exactly

[1:04:41] you can murder someone at an outback steakhouse. i mean there's no rule against it

[1:04:45] yeah you can have a giant fried onion

[1:04:49] the rules say i can't have a giant fried onion. so for ladies

[1:04:53] i'm going to recommend a movie called

[1:04:55] my brilliant career

[1:04:58] uh... which is a period film starring judy davis and sam neill when they

[1:05:02] were both

[1:05:03] young

[1:05:04] kind of beginning actor and actress

[1:05:06] and uh... about a high spirited young woman

[1:05:10] who is being pressured to marry in turn of the century australia

[1:05:13] but she wants to be a writer

[1:05:15] she doesn't want to play by anybody's rules she's got a prankish sense of humor

[1:05:18] in many ways it is anne of green gables in australia

[1:05:21] uh... and it's a good solid

[1:05:24] woman who wants to make her own way in the world but falls in love type movie

[1:05:27] and the cinematography in it is beautiful there's a number of scenes shot

[1:05:31] in different types of daylight or twilight that are really pretty

[1:05:35] and the acting is really good in it so my brilliant career for the ladies and for

[1:05:38] the men

[1:05:40] a male subject war

[1:05:42] that's right

[1:05:43] australian classic

[1:05:44] breaker moran

[1:05:45] uh... the film about

[1:05:47] the boer war

[1:05:48] and three australian soldiers were court-martialed

[1:05:51] or massacring prisoners of war

[1:05:55] is it really their fault that they committed these acts or is it the

[1:05:58] inhuman system that has led them to this point

[1:06:00] who knows but it's uh... really well-directed well-acted and again

[1:06:05] beautifully shot

[1:06:06] uh... so for the ladies

[1:06:08] my brilliant career and for the men breaker morant

[1:06:11] or switch them up if they want

[1:06:13] or do it the other way around yeah

[1:06:15] guys get in touch with your feminine side and ladies

[1:06:18] watch some australians shoot the shit out of some boer settlers

[1:06:22] sounds great uh... i want to recommend i re-watched recently the dirty dozen

[1:06:28] which is just

[1:06:29] a very enjoyable movie dirty dozen or like a porn movie no the dirty dozen the uh...

[1:06:34] robert aldrin movie

[1:06:35] uh... he directed the porno

[1:06:37] he did he was hard on his luck

[1:06:39] uh... i'm a great fan of uh...

[1:06:42] what quentin tarantino and others have called the men on the mission

[1:06:46] men on a mission movie

[1:06:48] your uh... dirty dozen your guns of navarone

[1:06:52] uh... i guess the great escape is is sort of a mess although that's kind of

[1:06:56] what about your seven sammy rise

[1:07:00] i mean their mission is to escape it's kind of a heist movie in a way

[1:07:04] your armageddon your magnificent sevens well that's the thing like armageddon is

[1:07:08] actually probably the modern

[1:07:11] equivalent which is

[1:07:12] irritating

[1:07:14] that we've fallen so far

[1:07:15] but uh... have you ever seen the professionals

[1:07:18] uh... what's that lee marvin

[1:07:20] oh yeah yeah that's a great one what about the fantasy mission force

[1:07:24] with jackie chan

[1:07:25] uh...

[1:07:26] i don't know i haven't seen that one that's really great but i think that you're right

[1:07:30] armageddon is a descendant of this type of movie because

[1:07:34] the great thing about these

[1:07:35] classic it's amazing

[1:07:37] crazy that's not what i'm crying

[1:07:41] walk this way dude looks like a lady the great thing

[1:07:45] about these old men on a mission movies just press play

[1:07:49] they were a mix of

[1:07:52] great hollywood tough guys and great hollywood character actors yeah

[1:07:56] uh... and that's kind of what got passed down to modern

[1:08:00] action movies is

[1:08:02] stocking up on these character actors but you've got in dirty dozen

[1:08:06] lee marvin ernest borg nine charles bronson

[1:08:09] john cassavetes

[1:08:11] jim brown

[1:08:12] you got george kennedy you got telly savalas

[1:08:15] uh... it's just a crazy uh... donald sutherland it's a

[1:08:19] crazy lineup of just fun people to watch

[1:08:23] and uh...

[1:08:24] robert aldrich uh... directed

[1:08:27] other greats uh... very like

[1:08:28] masculine he's like but in addition to the other is because we don't know that

[1:08:32] whatever happened baby jane has actually charlotte yeah which is like

[1:08:36] but he didn't have his ladies pictures you could uh... he did like play the

[1:08:39] phoenix he had a certain sort of like

[1:08:42] high-class

[1:08:43] uh... filth

[1:08:45] yet robert aldrich movie which is really great

[1:08:47] and you know there he doesn't have a classic

[1:08:49] setup you know it's it's

[1:08:51] twelve

[1:08:52] military prisoners given the chance at uh...

[1:08:55] and getting their freedom by going on this

[1:08:57] suicide mission

[1:08:59] which is you know just a great pop

[1:09:01] uh... set up for an action movie and it's just fun

[1:09:04] started and it's like wages of fear

[1:09:06] may have uh...

[1:09:07] uh... a little bit i don't know what's existential that wages of fear and i'll

[1:09:10] be there's a

[1:09:12] there's a lot of great

[1:09:13] character scenes and a lot of great it's pretty funny movie too

[1:09:16] see when donald sutherland has to pretend to be a general it's fantastic

[1:09:19] where you're from soldier he says that i've never heard of it

[1:09:23] he's a lot around like

[1:09:24] he's just saying all the stupid things he's heard general say what is

[1:09:27] this is looking at this this formation of guys like

[1:09:29] very pretty

[1:09:30] mad colonel

[1:09:31] but can they fight it's like all these stupid ass things that generals say

[1:09:36] in movies and i mean like the funny thing too is like his character is has

[1:09:39] been shown to be a half-wit through most of the movie

[1:09:43] so you know

[1:09:44] instinctively that he's just imitating these other generals that he's seen

[1:09:49] uh... yes i'm going to recommend another australian movie before you make

[1:09:54] jokes i'm gonna recommend a movie called

[1:09:56] the interview

[1:09:59] you didn't you

[1:10:00] any jokes starring Seth Rogen and James Franco? No, I'm recommending a movie called The Interview

[1:10:03] from 1998. It's an Australian thriller starring Hugo Weaving, Elrond himself, Mr. Smith. Elrond

[1:10:12] Hover? Wait, Agent Smith. Elrond Hover. I think he's best known as Tom Hanks's top-hatted

[1:10:18] hallucinatory bad guy in Cloud Atlas. Yeah. Oh man, he's terrifying in that movie in the future

[1:10:25] where he's in yellow face. Yeah, he's the Cajun Slash from Guns N' Roses with reptile skin.

[1:10:34] So The Interview is a... He's one of the few actors whose name

[1:10:39] is also a description of an action. Hugo Weaving. Yeah. So it's a movie where Hugo Weaving gets

[1:10:47] picked up by a detective and at first it seems like he's being interviewed about a relatively

[1:10:55] minor crime and you can, at the same time, you're seeing the detective has a lot of pressure on him

[1:11:00] and it's slowly revealed that it's a much bigger case and it involves a serial killer and you're

[1:11:08] seeing the detective has a lot of pressure on him and you start to wonder really what's going on

[1:11:12] with... You initially feel sympathy for Hugo Weaving and then over time you wonder whether

[1:11:17] or not that sympathy is misplaced. It's a great tense little thriller and I recommend it.

[1:11:24] Sounds good. Three great recommendations along with four actually. You probably won't like

[1:11:33] because you haven't been watching bad, bad, bad, bad, terrible movies for years and years and years.

[1:11:40] This movie you enjoy more when you've been watching a bunch of boring, bad movies before it.

[1:11:44] But if you got a... Watching John Cusack try and put on a seat belt for 20 minutes,

[1:11:49] it's fucking great, man. Watching Thomas Jane taking every line and doing it as if he's like

[1:11:59] just trying to remember what the next word in the sentence is for minutes at a time. Yeah,

[1:12:04] if you like that stuff, this movie's for you. It's like Thomas Jane saw Bill Paxton in Aliens

[1:12:08] and was like, I want to hold that pitch through the whole movie. Just game over, man. Game over

[1:12:13] constantly. But everything has to come to an end and that applies to this podcast as much as it

[1:12:20] does the heat death of the universe. So on that note... So you're putting the podcast on a cosmic

[1:12:26] scale? Yep. Because then we're literally just moats in the eye of God. I mean, we are

[1:12:31] masters of the mystic arts, all of us. Sure. I'm a Dr. Strange. LA, it's a Dormammu.

[1:12:38] I'm more of a Baron Mordo. I wish I was a Dormammu. Give me a funny name.

[1:12:42] You can... Funny name? These are beloved and hallowed characters. When Benedict Cumberbatch

[1:12:47] is playing one of them, you'll be like, oh, I always knew who Baron Mordo was. I know who Dr.

[1:12:50] Strange is. I don't know the other one. You don't know who Dormammu is? You can be Mephisto, dude.

[1:12:56] All right. That's a cool name. Mephisto, dude. The surfer version of Mephisto. Hey,

[1:13:00] my flaming hair looks great. Why don't I tempt your soul, Silver Surfer? I can surf, too.

[1:13:07] This podcast is over. I'm Dan McCoy. That was Dan McCoy. Over there is Elliot Kalin.

[1:13:13] And just saying that is Stuart Wellington next to Dan McCoy.

[1:13:17] Good night, everyone. McCoy! Moving up!

[1:13:26] Yeah, we want to keep it keep it nice and cool. Oh, yeah. That's what Mayor

[1:13:32] de Blasio has told everybody. Keep it cool. Go to your cooling stations in Dan's apartment.

[1:13:39] All right. Hang out there. Drink a lot of agua.

[1:13:47] And be sure to call it agua. Yeah, because he's been taking Spanish for mayors.

[1:13:51] Spanish for mayors. We've had a lot of crime in the calle.

[1:13:59] Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy.

[1:14:03] And we host the first podcast ever made. My brother and my brother have made.

[1:14:07] Every Monday, we put out the first ever advice comedy podcast ever.

[1:14:10] They found our podcast on Dead Sea Scrolls.

[1:14:13] We're the Hammurabi Code of podcasts, and we're ready to entertain you with jokes.

[1:14:17] So we invented the first jokes. So join us every Monday on MaximumFun.org.

[1:14:21] You'll never crack our code, Dan Brown. Just try me.

[1:14:24] It's history in the making. And in the faking.

[1:14:26] And it's all yours for the taking.

Ep. #184 - Drive Hard

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