Ep. #185 - Grace of Monaco

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Tonight we watched Grace of Monaco starring Nicole Kidman.

[0:05] The man with the power of a small goat.

Elliott Kalan

[0:09] What?

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] Hey guys, I am Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] Welcome.

[0:46] To?

[0:47] Set the spider to the fly.

Elliott Kalan

[0:49] Oh, wow.

[0:49] In this case, the fly is you, the listener, and the spider, myself, Elliot Kalin.

[0:56] Thanks for punctuating my sinister entrance with a beer can.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01] I thought it would sound like a creepy door creak.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] No.

[1:04] Stuart has something called sound deafness.

[1:06] I've never heard a beer can opening.

[1:08] He can't tell the difference between sounds.

Dan McCoy

[1:10] Get out of here.

[1:12] The Elliot is coming from inside your ears.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] Ah, there's an Elliot in your brain.

[1:17] And he is sorry.

[1:19] Stuart.

[1:21] Give me another beer.

[1:23] Or did you just finish a beer within milliseconds?

[1:26] Of opening it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27] I think you are being hyperbolic.

[1:29] Because that's not milliseconds.

[1:31] They were full seconds.

Dan McCoy

[1:32] All the fizz and cold is going to be gone from that by the time you get around to that second beer.

[1:35] Not if I'm drinking it right, Dan.

[1:38] As he pours two cans into his mouth at the same time.

[1:40] Glug, glug, glug.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] Glug indeed, Dan.

[1:43] Let's get this show on the road.

[1:47] The first thing I want to say, in the last episode I made a lot of errors about where different bands were from.

[1:52] And where different movies were set.

[1:54] And I have something I want to make, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:55] But they all, both of them were Scotland, Australia, switcheroos.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] I was consistently mixing up Australia and Scotland, which pains me because.

[2:03] Very similar accents.

[2:04] I love Scotland dearly.

Dan McCoy

[2:06] I've been there a number of times.

[2:07] And Australia.

[2:07] And Australia, I could take or I could leave.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] I don't know much about it except that they have crazy animals that nobody else has that have pouches for, I guess, storing their pens in their loose change.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] And they have all of the most poisonous things in the world.

[2:20] Yeah.

[2:20] That's what makes me scared to visit Australia.

[2:22] I'm like, all of the most poisonous animals are just centered on this one continent.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] And they can vote.

Dan McCoy

[2:27] Yeah.

[2:28] Elliot, are you being serious?

[2:29] Yahoo serious.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] You got me.

[2:32] Famous Scotsman, Yahoo serious.

[2:34] Oh no, I did it again.

[2:35] So here's the thing.

[2:36] I want to apologize and admit something.

[2:38] I never learned to read.

[2:40] Oh really?

[2:41] Maps.

[2:41] Oh okay.

[2:42] I don't know what a legend or a key is.

[2:45] Longitude, flatitude.

[2:47] I don't know what those things are.

Dan McCoy

[2:48] You've heard of the legend of Curly's Gold though.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[2:51] I was thinking about this the other day.

[2:51] It turns out the real gold.

[2:53] The real gold was Curly's children.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Yeah, Dan?

[2:58] I was thinking about it.

[2:59] What is the legend of Curly's Gold?

[3:01] That Curly had some gold.

[3:02] I know, that's it.

[3:04] That's not really a legend.

[3:05] It's not like Curly had gold, they say,

[3:10] that had the power to move mountains and stop the tides.

[3:14] I mean, that would be a legend of Curly's Gold.

[3:15] So what constitutes a legend?

Stuart Wellington

[3:16] I thought that was the legend of Yuli's Gold,

[3:18] starring Peter Fonda.

Dan McCoy

[3:19] Just the idea that Curly had some gold is more of a rumor.

[3:24] There's a rumor of Curly's Gold.

[3:25] It's a legend that there's a lot of gold out there.

Stuart Wellington

[3:27] I mean, in the city slickers verse, Curly's Gold is this legend that everybody talks about.

Elliott Kalan

[3:34] In the slicker verse, everyone was aware of it.

[3:37] That's why it was big front page news when Billy Crystal's character, Tom Crystal,

[3:41] discovered Curly's Gold.

[3:44] It's like Hitler's secret gold.

[3:46] In the slicker verse, it was Curly's Gold,

[3:49] because Curly was the Hitler of that universe,

[3:51] who, having lost World War II instead of killing himself in a bunker,

[3:55] retired and became a wrestler at a dude ranch.

Stuart Wellington

[3:58] Weirdly enough, didn't change his name.

Elliott Kalan

[4:00] No, kept it.

[4:01] Well, that's what drew a lot of people to the ranch,

[4:02] was this famous historical figure worked there.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] That adds context to the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:06] Also, the fact that he was a famous actor.

[4:10] Jack Palance kind of helped things, too.

[4:12] Because in the slickers verse,

[4:14] there's a number of scenes where you notice Billy Crystal's character, Tom Crystal,

[4:17] he goes, Jack, I mean Curly, because he's Jack Palance also.

Dan McCoy

[4:22] All right, well, you've convinced me.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] So you got it, you figured it out?

[4:24] To put it in the Palance of our times,

[4:27] I was LOLing.

[4:30] And that's my review of City Slickers 2,

[4:32] The Legend of Curly's Gold.

[4:35] I love it to this movie.

[4:38] Part two of the City Slickers cinematic universe.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] So somebody could use that on the back of a VHS cassette tape box, right?

Dan McCoy

[4:44] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[4:45] So, yeah, go find a tape box for a VHS tape for The Legend of Curly's Gold

[4:51] and slap Elliot's quote on it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] Just put a piece of masking tape on there

[4:55] and write on it to pen and marker, I LOL.

Dan McCoy

[4:58] This is our mission to you, Flophouse Nation.

[5:01] Go out and do it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] If every DVD and VHS box of City Slickers 2...

[5:06] I just said VHS box.

[5:07] Okay, just VHS.

[5:09] Maybe it was never released on DVD due to lack of interest.

[5:11] If every box of it in the nation doesn't have that legend,

[5:15] another, use the word legend, emblazoned on it,

[5:18] by the end of, what, the year?

[5:19] Then we failed as a podcast.

Dan McCoy

[5:21] By the way, I love the idea that it never made it to DVD,

[5:24] but it's like part of the Warner's archive,

[5:26] where if you ask for it, they'll bring up a special DVD for you.

[5:31] It's never happened.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] Is it like they're laboring under some kind of curse,

[5:37] where if you ask for a movie, they have to give it to you?

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] Well, it's not a curse.

[5:41] It's a business model.

[5:42] It's called capitalism.

[5:43] That makes movies available that are not worth it.

[5:45] Oh, do you have to pay them for it?

[5:47] Yes, you pay them money.

[5:48] That makes way more sense.

[5:49] They're not Rumble Stiltskins.

Dan McCoy

[5:50] Come on.

[5:50] I figured out the name.

[5:52] It's Warner Brothers.

[5:53] You rub a lamp and Jack Warner comes out of it,

[5:55] and he's like, what do you want, kid?

[5:57] And you're like, I want a DVD.

[5:58] You figured out my name.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Little Jack Warner was sitting in a corner,

[6:02] eating, what, pudding and pie or some shit?

[6:05] And a dog came beside him.

[6:06] Pudding and pie kind of looked like shit.

[6:08] Steak and pie, I think.

[6:08] Steak and pie, and then a spider came along

[6:10] and scared him off his tuffet.

[6:12] Am I remembering the story of the Warner Brothers correctly?

Dan McCoy

[6:14] And then there wasn't any food in the cupboard.

Elliott Kalan

[6:16] And then they made Casablanca.

Stuart Wellington

[6:18] Yeah.

[6:19] So it's been heady times over here in Flophouse Land.

[6:23] Big changes for Elliot over at your job.

[6:25] That's right, and then I don't have one.

[6:26] You don't have a job.

[6:28] Just a ragamuffin.

[6:28] I don't know whether we're going to do this or not.

[6:30] Elliot came by with his stick and bindle.

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] Like I said, whether they were going to do this

[6:34] is if I planned something with Stuart.

[6:36] Stuart just started bringing it up.

[6:38] And I have no secrets from the Flopoverse

[6:39] except what I masturbate to

[6:41] because you would be horrified.

[6:43] It's a lot of Lovecraft porn.

[6:45] It's called, I mean, it's just called Lovecraft.

[6:48] It's the craft of love.

[6:50] And that involves a lot of indescribable tentacles.

Dan McCoy

[6:53] It's a website called Cthulboobs.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] That's got to exist.

[6:58] It's all erotic stories, but the women are indescribable.

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:02] The sex that took place was...

[7:04] Indescribably hot.

[7:06] Indescribably sexy, involving non-Euclidean sexual geometries.

[7:11] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[7:12] What, the Dunwich Whore?

[7:14] Yep.

[7:14] The Poon that came to Karnath or whatever?

Dan McCoy

[7:17] You don't really need to change at the Mountains of Madness.

[7:20] No.

[7:20] And the call of Cthulboobs.

[7:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] The wet dream quest of unknown Cadeth.

[7:27] Perfect.

[7:28] I guess we're not really going to explain what...

[7:30] So here's the thing.

[7:31] There was a shake-up at The Daily Show.

[7:33] There's a new host there.

[7:34] Shake it up.

[7:35] And I was forcibly ousted by myself

[7:38] from the job of head writer.

[7:40] Yeah.

[7:40] And have decided to embark on...

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] You burned yourself in effigy?

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] Yeah.

[7:43] Yeah, you're going to walk the earth.

[7:45] I'm going to walk the earth as a semi-employed writer

[7:48] for a little while, and then I'll get another job.

[7:50] And work on other things.

[7:52] The time for daily topical comedy for me has come to a close.

Stuart Wellington

[7:56] He's probably going to work at my bar as a...

[7:58] I don't know, like a bartender or barback.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] Or like in Barback Mountain.

Stuart Wellington

[8:01] Or a barker.

[8:02] That's what that was about, right?

[8:03] You'll stand out front.

[8:03] X-Tree, X-Tree.

[8:05] Come on in.

[8:06] I don't know why I say X-Tree.

[8:07] That's a newsboy thing.

[8:07] That is a terrible audition.

[8:10] People do.

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] I gotta say.

[8:11] Come on in and have a drink on the house.

[8:14] Better.

[8:14] Wait.

[8:15] Or Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[8:16] No.

[8:16] Our listeners do worry.

[8:17] They do fret.

[8:18] I just want to underline something that you said,

[8:21] that you did this by choice.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] Oh, entirely by choice.

[8:24] I was not...

[8:25] I don't want to say this too strongly

[8:27] because I feel like it might look...

[8:29] It's not complimentary to my replacements

[8:33] as head writer and kind of general management writers.

[8:37] But like, it was not a decision that some of the people at the show

[8:44] were like crazy about that I was leaving.

[8:46] It was very much a case of them wanting me to stay.

[8:50] And I just...

[8:51] I'm burnt out on the schedule of that show.

[8:54] And I've been there a long time.

[8:55] And I wanted to take a break from topical material.

[8:58] So, I mean, that's what it comes down to.

[8:59] Were they like, no, stay, please.

[9:01] You're not taking a break from topical ointments, though.

[9:03] I need them.

[9:04] You love them.

[9:04] I need them so bad.

[9:06] But it really came down to like...

[9:09] I needed a break from news.

[9:10] For his eczema.

[9:11] And I was tired of seeing my son for an hour a day

[9:14] during the week.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] So, the most...

[9:18] In that hour, you're usually like drilling him

[9:20] on his historical facts.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] Oh, yeah.

[9:22] It's a history cram school entirely.

[9:24] And Spider-Man.

[9:25] You're 19 months old.

[9:26] Why can't you pronounce Kosciuszko properly?

[9:29] But, yeah, and Spider-Man stuff.

[9:30] Well, that's history.

[9:31] But American history.

[9:33] Tradition.

[9:33] Men.

[9:35] American history, X-Men.

[9:36] In which Ed Norton plays, I don't know, some kind of racist mutant.

Dan McCoy

[9:40] Which reminds me of Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[9:42] Out in a trade paperback now.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Thank you very much.

[9:44] Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[9:45] Written by Elliot Kalin.

[9:46] Out in the collected edition now.

[9:48] I have my copy.

[9:48] The entire series in one volume.

[9:50] Pick it up.

[9:51] You're going to love it and enjoy it.

[9:52] Please.

[9:53] I need the money.

[9:54] I'm out of work right now.

[9:55] So, please go pick up Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[9:57] Why are we doing plugs at the beginning?

[9:58] I don't know.

[9:58] We haven't even explained what this podcast is.

[9:59] We're ten minutes in and we haven't done anything that we normally do.

[10:02] The podcast commenters are going to be so mad.

[10:03] And that shows how bored we were with this movie.

[10:07] Well, and Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[10:10] Explain it.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] This is the Flophouse Podcast.

[10:12] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] I'm Dan McCoy.

[10:14] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[10:15] I tricked them.

[10:15] I'm the spider to the fly, et cetera.

[10:17] We're rebooting.

[10:18] We're looping this.

Dan McCoy

[10:19] Yeah.

[10:20] We're roundhog day-ing this.

[10:22] On this show, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[10:26] And in this case, we watched a movie.

[10:28] Oh, what a stinker.

[10:29] That did not even make it to theaters.

[10:31] Oh, we watched it.

[10:31] To America.

[10:32] America.

[10:34] Abroad, it was not actually that big of a flaw.

[10:36] It was a movie about abroad.

[10:38] Her name?

[10:38] Grace Kelly.

[10:39] Yeah.

[10:39] We watched Grace of Monaco, a movie that debuted at the Cannes Film Festival to thundering dislike.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] It dares to answer the question, does anyone give a shit about what happens to Monaco?

[10:52] Yeah.

[10:52] And the answer was a resounding no.

Dan McCoy

[10:54] But this is a movie that debuted at Cannes and only aired on Lifetime.

[11:00] The Lifetime Network in America.

Stuart Wellington

[11:01] That's why they call it In the Cannes when you complete a film.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] It's pronounced Cannes.

[11:05] Now, by debuted in Cannes, do you mean that it was so bad it debuted in someone's butt?

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Nor did it debut in the Oscar the Grouch garbage can.

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] Hey, what if I called you on prank call you?

[11:16] Hey, do you have Grace of Monaco in the can?

[11:19] Film festival?

Stuart Wellington

[11:22] I would say, but of course.

[11:24] Well, let it out.

[11:25] It needs to be seen.

[11:26] I do not understand this joke.

[11:28] Goodbye.

[11:29] Hang up.

[11:30] But then come back, Americans.

[11:32] Francois, who was on the phone?

[11:34] I do not know.

[11:35] He was talking about Grace.

[11:38] Grace who?

[11:39] Of Monaco.

Dan McCoy

[11:40] Oh, Zutalola.

[11:42] Oh, Zutalola.

[11:43] That was our, I guess, theatrical performance?

[11:47] Yeah, which Frenchman were you?

[11:48] Were you a famous Frenchman?

[11:50] Yeah, it was Maurice Chaball.

Stuart Wellington

[11:52] And who were you, Stuart?

[11:54] I was the Pink Panther.

[11:57] The Pink Panther 1 is a diamond.

Elliott Kalan

[12:03] Clouseau is not the Pink Panther.

Stuart Wellington

[12:04] I was the French guy called the Pink Panther.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Nobody's called that.

Stuart Wellington

[12:09] I think you're wrong.

[12:11] All right.

[12:13] Peter Sellers played him, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] Much as the Thin Man in the Thin Man movies is not actually Nick Charles, the Pink Panther

[12:19] is not Peter Sellers.

[12:20] Boy, isn't he?

Dan McCoy

[12:22] He gains weight every movie.

[12:23] It's all the drinking.

[12:25] Anyway.

[12:25] Give some weight, Nick Charles.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] Dan, well, it's a fictional character that you've just fat shamed.

[12:29] So congratulations to you.

[12:31] Your life is where you want it to be.

[12:32] Dan, so this movie, it premieres in America in the Lifetime Network.

[12:36] Yeah.

[12:37] So we would consider it a TV movie, even though it's clearly a feature film.

[12:40] Let me tell you this.

[12:41] It's got Nicole Kidman in it.

[12:43] Every dollar of the budget is on Spring.

[12:45] Yeah.

[12:45] It's lush.

[12:47] It's lavish looking.

[12:49] It was directed by the guy who made La Vie and Rose.

Dan McCoy

[12:51] It's got Tim Roth in it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] Tim Roth is in it.

Dan McCoy

[12:54] The mark of highest, I guess, quality?

[12:59] I mean, I love Tim Roth, but he's made some bad decisions.

[13:01] I mean, he's a good investment in a movie.

[13:03] That's why they're called Roth IRAs.

[13:04] Oh, I get it.

[13:06] Yeah.

[13:06] Paz Vega's in this?

[13:07] Yeah.

[13:07] Of Nurse 3D?

[13:08] Latin for the vegan piece.

[13:11] Latin for, I can't believe she's not.

[13:12] She's not nude in this movie.

[13:14] She always is.

Stuart Wellington

[13:16] Robert Loja is not in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] No, Frank Langella.

[13:19] I believe that Paz Vega shot her scenes nude and then they digitally added clothes to her

[13:23] in post.

[13:24] That makes sense.

[13:25] That's where the budget went.

[13:25] Frank Langella is in it as maybe the worst priest in the world since he spends his time hanging

[13:31] around a palace giving advice to a princess rather than helping the poor or preaching to anybody.

[13:38] I don't think he mentions God once in the whole movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:42] Most of his lines feel like they were ADR work anyway.

[13:46] I think he agreed to do the movie only if he didn't actually have to walk around or...

Elliott Kalan

[13:50] Well, he pulled a Frank Langella, which means he just speaks all of his lines in kind of

[13:55] a calm, even tone and leaves it up to you to read emotion or drama into it.

Dan McCoy

[13:59] Yeah, well, Elliot revealed himself as...

[14:02] Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] Not a Frank Langella fan.

[14:05] I think Frank Langella is good when he's trying, but I've seen too many things where he's not

[14:09] trying and he has a natural gravitas and he just coasts on that.

[14:13] Now, I hate to...

[14:14] Like a Morgan Freeman?

[14:15] Kind of, yeah, in a way.

[14:17] I hate to be a name dropper, but I did see him in a play once where he played a hilariously

[14:21] over-the-top effeminate character and he was very funny in it.

[14:25] So, like, when he's trying, he can be very good.

[14:27] I saw in that movie another star of the play.

[14:29] Are you saying that he's...

[14:30] And also in that play, Derek Jacoby, also in Grace of Monaco.

[14:33] Oh, sure.

[14:34] He's always great.

[14:34] As the Bagger Vance type character who is a gay man who comes from no...

[14:38] Or I assume he's gay.

[14:39] Comes from nowhere and teaches Grace how to be...

[14:42] He's definitely coded in gay, if not explicitly gay.

[14:43] He's coded in gay like chocolate.

Dan McCoy

[14:45] Yeah, he's coded in gay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] No, I...

[14:47] That comes with a gay coating.

[14:49] That's another $2,000.

[14:51] They put that in at the factory.

[14:52] I can't take that out.

[14:53] I could talk to my manager about maybe knocking $1,000 off of the gay coat, but my hands are

[14:58] real...

[14:59] I'm tied on this one.

[15:00] You know, I can't really lower the price too much more.

Stuart Wellington

[15:02] This is just a thing he's going through, Dan.

[15:05] He's not actually going to go to his manager for this.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] No, no, no.

[15:07] I'm going to go talk to my manager about it.

[15:09] I want to give you...

[15:10] I don't know why he would lie to me about this.

[15:11] You guys want...

Stuart Wellington

[15:12] He's not your friend, Dan.

[15:13] He's pretending to be your friend.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] When you walked on the esteemed British actor's lot...

[15:16] You looked at this Derek Jacoby.

[15:17] You said you wanted it at a very fair price, and I promised you that, and I want to give

[15:22] you as fair a price as I can, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[15:24] I loved him in the Olivier Othello, Dan, but I don't know if we need him in this gay coating.

[15:29] Yeah, I just want the no frills Derek Jacoby.

Elliott Kalan

[15:31] Look, I'm not trying to upsell you on a lot of stuff, even though I think you would really

[15:36] love the upsold model.

Dan McCoy

[15:38] All right.

[15:38] It looks like he's already got a lot of miles on him.

Elliott Kalan

[15:40] Wow.

[15:40] Okay.

[15:41] Well, let's just say he's an experienced drive.

[15:44] Let's say that, okay?

[15:45] He's got...

[15:46] If you want to go with a...

[15:48] I don't know, like a...

[15:50] What's the guy...

[15:51] I can't remember his name now.

[15:53] The guy who played...

[15:53] Was in that NBC Dracula show.

[15:55] You know, he's in Bend It Like Beckham and stuff.

[15:59] Ian Holm?

[15:59] No, no.

[16:00] He played Steer Pike in the Gorman Gas TV show.

[16:02] You know who I'm talking about.

[16:03] Ian McKellen?

[16:04] No, it's not.

[16:05] No, Ian McKellen...

[16:06] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[16:07] We're just bought.

[16:08] Christopher Lee?

[16:09] Christopher Lee, sadly, is no longer available.

[16:11] They're not making that model anymore.

[16:13] But if you want a younger model, go ahead.

[16:15] Take one.

[16:16] If you want an Eddie Redmayne, I could sell you one of those.

[16:18] You'll get overcharged.

[16:19] It's going to break down.

[16:20] You'll have a Jupiter ascending on your hands.

[16:22] You don't want that.

[16:23] Derek Jacoby, nice, solid.

[16:25] You can always rely on it.

[16:27] This Derek Jacoby, previously just owned by some old lady, just he acted at church every

[16:30] now and then.

Stuart Wellington

[16:31] Did Derek Jacoby ever win the Academy Award for Best Actor?

[16:35] For Best Jacoby?

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] You'd think he was in the category he's born to win in.

[16:39] Yeah, she went for that.

[16:40] But Eddie Redmayne has.

[16:42] Yeah, that's the weird thing.

[16:43] From Jupiter Ascending.

[16:44] Yeah, he won for Jupiter Ascending.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] So we haven't really talked about this movie at all.

Elliott Kalan

[16:49] So the movie tells the story of a brief moment in Grace Kelly's life.

[16:53] Grace Kelly, of course, one of the big stars of the screen.

Dan McCoy

[16:55] From the Elliot time of movies.

[16:58] To cast a thief.

[16:59] Most notably from Rear Window.

[17:02] What else?

[17:03] Dial in for Murder.

[17:05] You listed a couple of non-Hitchcock ones.

Elliott Kalan

[17:06] I think we're all familiar mainly with the Alfred Hitchcock ones.

[17:09] She was also in, what is it called?

[17:10] High Society, the musical version of the Philadelphia story.

[17:13] She won the Academy Award for, what is it called?

[17:17] The Farmer's Daughter.

[17:19] I think it was.

Dan McCoy

[17:20] I think we can all agree that she's known mostly for her work with Alfred Hitchcock.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] I mean, she's not an actress who I've ever had much of an affinity for.

Dan McCoy

[17:29] I mean, she's wonderful in Rear Window.

[17:31] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] Yeah, she's great in that.

[17:33] But Rear Window is a great movie all around.

[17:36] The way that I would follow Jimmy Stewart, just speaking Rear Window actors,

[17:41] Jimmy Stewart or Thelma Ritter into another movie,

[17:44] because I feel like they're interesting actors to me.

[17:46] Grace Kelly is one of the least interesting classic Hollywood actors to me.

Dan McCoy

[17:50] I think the thing about her in Rear Window is that she's just astoundingly beautiful.

[17:54] I think that that's, and she's magnetic.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] No, she's magnetic in it.

[17:57] But as a personality on screen,

[18:01] I find nothing really in her besides beauty and elegance.

[18:06] But there's not a lot of character in it.

[18:08] The same way that, like, the, uh, I haven't, like, personally.

[18:12] Just being in front of me personally, I've got more of an affinity for, like, Myrna Loy.

[18:16] Well, I think Nicole Kidman's here to change all that, Elliot.

[18:18] Well, here's the thing.

[18:19] They picked, they said,

[18:21] what modern-day actress is also beautiful and yet doesn't have much personality on screen?

[18:26] Has a certain coldness.

[18:27] Has a certain dead, taxidermied eye about her.

[18:30] Which is totally unfair to Nicole Kidman.

[18:32] Since I loved her in the others.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] Yeah, she can be wonderful in the right thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] And she's, even in, uh, in Eyes Wide Shut, she's got good scenes.

[18:39] Yeah.

[18:40] BMX Bandits.

[18:41] She steals the show.

[18:42] Terrific.

Dan McCoy

[18:42] Sure, far and away.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] Far and away.

[18:44] To die for.

[18:45] It's far and away one of her most interesting roles.

[18:48] To die for, she's really good in.

[18:49] Stoker, one movie we talked about.

Stuart Wellington

[18:50] Stoker stoked the flames of my passion.

Elliott Kalan

[18:52] I don't love, but she has some good stuff in it.

[18:54] But, so, this tells the story of Grace Kelly after she has left the screen and married Prince Rainier of Monaco, played by Tim Roth.

Stuart Wellington

[19:01] I mean, it opens with the final shot, final take of her acting career.

[19:06] Yes.

[19:06] And then she walks into her trailer where they're playing her exposition story.

Elliott Kalan

[19:09] Where the radio is literally explaining who she is and what she's just done and where she's going to go.

[19:14] Yeah, and she's like, oh, that's what I'm all about.

[19:17] Oh, I'm glad I tuned into WGRK, the Grace Kelly Network.

[19:21] It just explains who I am all the time.

[19:23] When's Radio Zork going to be on?

[19:27] I want to use the key in the lock.

Stuart Wellington

[19:30] Wait, is that your final choice, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[19:32] Sure, let's lock it in.

Stuart Wellington

[19:34] Okay, we'll have to check this out next week on Radio Zork.

Elliott Kalan

[19:39] And she goes to Monaco.

[19:40] She's in Monaco.

[19:42] Monaco's having some troubles.

[19:43] It seems that they're running out of money.

[19:47] Why are you rubbing your face?

[19:48] Because I thought Dan was scratching his face and I thought he was telling me I had something on my face.

[19:51] Because he was staring at me intently.

[19:53] I was telling you, my cheek itches.

[19:58] Thanks for communicating that to me.

[20:00] Oh, you're doing it again.

[20:01] Thanks.

[20:01] That's international sign language for itchy cheek.

Dan McCoy

[20:03] I didn't get it all the first time.

[20:05] You know how it is.

Elliott Kalan

[20:08] Went back for thirds.

[20:09] Okay.

[20:09] There we go.

[20:10] So she's at Monaco, ironically for a place that has most of the word money in its name, is running out of it.

[20:16] You may say, maybe melt down some of your fucking solid gold chairs you're always sitting in, Monacans.

[20:21] Or Monikans?

[20:22] I forget.

[20:23] We found out.

[20:24] I think that's what it was.

[20:25] Monacues?

Dan McCoy

[20:26] Monacues?

[20:27] Yeah, I think it was something like that.

[20:28] It was something really strange.

[20:30] Monacicians?

Elliott Kalan

[20:30] Monaco is having – the piper is coming to be paid in that for years they have lived off the largesse of French billionaires looking to hide their money from being taxed by the French.

[20:41] Now the French government in the early 60s needs money to keep fighting its needless war in Algeria, and they come a-calling to Monaco.

[20:50] So Tim Roth is in a pickle, which is ironic since this is maybe the least Jewish movie I've ever seen.

[20:56] None of these people has ever had a pickle, let alone pastrami.

[21:00] Let's just leave that aside right there.

[21:02] This is an incredibly Gentile film.

[21:04] But so he's in a pickle in that he needs money, and also his wife wants to have her own career.

[21:11] She doesn't want to just go around being a princess who looks at Red Cross orphanages and asks for money for them.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] She wants to be a married woman who has it all.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] Yeah.

[21:19] And so Alfred Hitchcock also comes a-calling to have Grace Kelly play the lead in a little movie called Marnie.

[21:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:28] Which historically she does, right?

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] Sean Connery raping a lady.

[21:33] No, the movie is about Tippi Hedren as a woman with psychological issues who is driven to steel.

[21:39] And Sean Connery becomes obsessed with her and wants to possess her and find out what her mystery is.

Dan McCoy

[21:45] Wants to break her like a horse.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] Yeah, basically.

[21:48] And a tree falls through a window, and at the end she talks in a little girl's voice and everything.

[21:52] It's a strange movie.

[21:53] It's a weird, weird movie.

[21:54] I mean, it's-

[21:55] As Johnny Carson would say, it is weird, wild stuff.

[21:58] I mean, it's probably-

[22:00] I think that was the original title of the movie.

[22:02] Weird, wild stuff, the movie.

Dan McCoy

[22:03] It's the last Hitchcock movie that really feels like a Hitchcock movie, I think.

[22:08] I don't know about that.

[22:09] What about Frenzy?

[22:10] I mean, Frenzy I like, but it doesn't feel like a Hitchcock movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] I mean, there's no glamour in it, if that's what you mean.

Dan McCoy

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:16] There's still some kind of glamour in Marnie, and there's none in it.

[22:19] Frenzy feels like a 70s movie in a way that feels un-Hitchcock-y to me.

[22:23] I guess so.

[22:23] What about like, when did the wrong man come out?

[22:26] I can't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] I mean, I guess-

[22:28] Because there he was trying for a deliberately un-Hitchcock style, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[22:31] Wrong man was earlier than Marnie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:34] The one with Dave Foley.

Dan McCoy

[22:35] Topaz, I guess, has some very Hitchcock-y parts.

[22:38] But Topaz is a bad movie.

[22:39] But it's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] It's got like two good sequences in it.

[22:41] Yeah.

[22:41] And Family Plot feels like a TV movie.

Dan McCoy

[22:46] Yeah, Family Plot has some funny bits, and I like Bruce Stern, but it is a weird, weird-

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] Is that the Michael Haneke movie, Funny Bits?

Dan McCoy

[22:52] Yeah, Funny Bits.

[22:55] It's about a comical penis.

Elliott Kalan

[23:00] It's a talking penis that tells jokes.

[23:02] Yeah.

[23:04] The weird thing is, it's very prudish.

[23:06] It doesn't work blue.

[23:07] It doesn't curse.

[23:08] It's a family penis.

[23:09] Yes, comedian.

[23:10] Funny Bits.

[23:11] Does terribly, and then it dies.

[23:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:14] With Billy Crystal as the voice of the penis.

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] Anyway, Grace of Monaco.

[23:18] Alfred Hitchcock wants her to play the lead in Marnie.

[23:20] She wants to play the lead, but her husband, the prince, does not want her to return to the screen.

[23:25] And there's scene after scene of-

Stuart Wellington

[23:28] At first, he's kind of lukewarm on it.

[23:30] Yeah.

[23:30] Until her going back to acting gets in the way of his, I guess, political plans.

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] He worries that it would be seen as the princess of Monaco abandoning her country and her family in a time of its need.

[23:44] And also, he doesn't, it's, it's, she's not a proper princess.

[23:48] She's an American who says what she thinks whenever she thinks it.

[23:51] And that gets him into trouble when she talks back to a French finance minister who they need.

[23:57] And then the French finance minister insults her to the prince's face and the prince slaps him.

[24:01] Thus, causing almost war between France and Monaco, a country with no army that France has just been kind of protecting.

[24:09] Here's where we get to the crux of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] By the way, I hope you're all enjoying the Mr. Softy theme song that I'm sure you can hear.

[24:17] Blasting through the windows.

[24:18] That kind of thing.

[24:18] Well, I can hear it.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] We've referenced before and it's hard to hear when you listen to the episode.

[24:22] All right.

[24:23] But Mr. Softy, also a movie about a penis.

[24:25] He was just, he was just going by playing its song.

[24:29] Um, so.

[24:30] It's about a very emotional penis.

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:32] Who takes in two organs.

[24:33] Emotional?

[24:34] That cries a lot.

Dan McCoy

[24:36] Semen.

[24:38] Out of its urethra.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] Dan, this was a family podcast briefly.

[24:43] Nah.

[24:44] Even though you said, I guess never.

[24:45] Okay, so here's the problem with the movie.

[24:48] One of the many problems.

[24:49] Aside from the fact that it's very boring.

[24:50] Okay.

[24:50] And that we never get into the psychologies of any of the characters.

[24:54] That you are asked to care about what's going to happen to a tiny country that makes its money off of hiding the dollars of billionaires from French taxes.

[25:03] And that we're the prince.

[25:06] A tax shelter, gambling, uh, playground for the rich.

[25:10] Where the prince lives in incredibly lavish luxury.

[25:13] And he makes some bullshit answer that, like, early on that he has to live this way in order to keep up the show that brings money in from other, from foreigners.

[25:20] But, like, if he sold a lot of his junk, like, they'd be able to open up that orphanage that, that Nicole Kidman, or to refurbish that orphanage that Nicole Kidman says is, uh, is in bad shape.

Dan McCoy

[25:31] Yeah, the only argument that they have is, we don't want this money to go to this war in Algeria.

[25:37] Which is not a terrible argument, but it's not, there's no good guy necessarily in this fight.

[25:45] The struggle of attacks.

Elliott Kalan

[25:46] There's only a good gal, Grace Kelly.

[25:48] Yeah.

[25:48] When she's not palling around with opera star Maria Callas, played by the not-nude Paz Vega, she is agonizing over her role.

[25:56] Should she go back to the screen?

[25:58] Should she be her own woman, or is it better for her to stand by her man?

[26:01] Well, but that's the other thing.

[26:02] All the while, Parker Posey stands over her shoulder.

Stuart Wellington

[26:05] The what?

[26:06] Parker Posey is constantly hovering about.

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] And meanwhile, Parker Posey is the, like, uh, evil, uh, uh, house mistress from Rebecca character for most of the movie, where she's very stern and is always telling Grace Kelly what she can and can't do.

[26:19] And then at the end, but at the end she turns out to be one of the good guys because they manage to, in a plot that comes out, that, like, just is not enjoyable but it should be, they hire a detective and discover that someone's been passing information to the press and the French.

[26:34] And they briefly suspect Grace, but they hire a detective and see the pictures and listen to taped phone calls and stuff, and they find out that it's actually the prince's sister.

[26:43] Bum, bum, bum.

[26:45] Nothing really happens off of that.

[26:46] Yeah.

[26:47] But, uh, so she wants to be in Marnie, and she says to Alfred Hitchcock in Universal Pictures, I'll be in the movie, but it has to be a secret until, I guess, the movie is made?

[26:55] Like, she seems to think that she can keep it a secret from the Monaco people and the rest of the world that she's starring in a movie.

[27:02] Like, the movie's gonna come out eventually.

[27:04] Yeah.

[27:05] But news of it leaks, and she is shocked and has to deny it.

[27:08] Uh, and then-

Stuart Wellington

[27:09] It causes some marital turmoil.

[27:11] Mm-hmm.

[27:11] Including a fight that is, uh, takes place right by a giant beach ball.

Elliott Kalan

[27:16] Yeah.

[27:17] They're eating lunch next to a pool on their vacation, which is just their everyday life.

[27:20] Having some hot dogs.

[27:21] And-

[27:22] And some burgers.

[27:24] Some, some Borg burgers.

[27:25] Mm-hmm.

[27:26] Because the burgers have been assimilated and become Gloria Borgia.

[27:28] But, uh, they, but there's a beach ball in the background, and it really undercuts the, the severity of the scene.

[27:34] But, uh, they have an argument, and Grace Kelly, she decides she has to get serious about this.

[27:39] And this is a woman who's an Academy Award winning actress.

[27:42] Under the tutelage, under the guidance of Frank Langella as, I guess, what, the head priest of Monaco.

[27:50] Mm-hmm.

[27:50] Who just hangs around and is like their house guest and is her confidant.

[27:54] She, uh, she goes over to Derek Jacoby's house, and he teaches her how to act like a princess.

[27:59] Mm-hmm.

[27:59] Because what the movie is telling us is that Grace Kelly, before she became a princess, was not a good actress.

[28:05] Oh, yeah.

[28:05] Did not know how to act.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] She was a real ugly duckling.

[28:08] Yeah.

[28:08] Who had no poise.

[28:10] My Fair Lady's story for the ages.

Elliott Kalan

[28:12] And he, like, holds up flashcards of emotions, and she has to express them without talking.

[28:16] And she has to, like, say seashells she sells by the sea.

[28:19] I see I screwed up already in French.

[28:21] And she's got to do all this.

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] Is it the same thing?

Elliott Kalan

[28:24] Yeah.

[28:24] All from say?

[28:25] I mean, the subtitles.

Dan McCoy

[28:25] They're translating it as she sells seashells by the seashore.

[28:29] But I assume that they're just doing that idiomatically, that in French it's a tongue twister.

[28:35] Oh, okay.

[28:36] Or, like, idiotically.

[28:37] Mm-hmm.

[28:38] Yeah.

[28:38] Burned.

[28:39] You burnt.

[28:40] Ha ha.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] Uh, so the, uh, she learns how to be a princess.

[28:45] She decides, you know what?

[28:46] I'm gonna stick with my family.

[28:47] Mm-hmm.

[28:47] I'm gonna stand by my man.

[28:51] Like the song, right?

[28:52] Boing, boing, boing.

[28:53] Thank you.

[28:54] So, when there's no stand for standing.

[28:58] There's no stand there.

[29:00] Sometimes it's hard to be the princess of Monaco.

Dan McCoy

[29:06] Giving all your love to just one prince.

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:11] It's great, guys.

[29:13] Um, anyway, so.

[29:14] Are you both just gonna keep singing to me?

[29:16] Yes.

[29:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] She publicly says she is retiring from the screen.

[29:20] She travels all over in an Indiana Jones shot.

[29:22] She doesn't travel over.

[29:23] She goes to Paris and she sends letters all over the world.

[29:26] Oh.

[29:26] Inviting them to a Red Cross ball at Monaco.

[29:29] Oh.

[29:29] She needs to make a show to Charles de Gaulle, the president of France.

[29:32] A mask of the Red Cross.

[29:35] Oh, man.

[29:35] If only they had all died of the plague.

[29:37] She, uh, she has to make a show to Charles de Gaulle, president of France, that the world

[29:40] has not turned its back on Monaco.

[29:42] How to do it?

[29:43] By throwing a fancy ball.

[29:45] And she sends invitations all over the world.

[29:48] And you see an Indiana Jones style map with lines traveling out.

[29:52] That's just representing letters being sent from one place to another.

Dan McCoy

[29:56] They should have had, like, little letter cartoons going around, like they have airplanes on those things.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] I think, uh, it's a good example of the overconfidence in the drama of this story that the movie has.

[30:06] That it feels like the idea of letters being sent from one country to another demands representation in an animated form.

[30:14] That we're going to be so astounded by it.

[30:16] The very concept.

[30:17] Like, when Indiana Jones is flying between all these exotic places, it's like, oh, wow, he's going from, you know, Cairo to Java.

[30:25] You know, something like that.

[30:25] These exotic far-off lands.

[30:27] He's a god.

[30:28] You know, he's this adventurer who's doing it.

[30:30] There's something exciting about that.

[30:31] There's something less exciting about, like, oh, well, there's a functioning international postal service.

[30:35] And if I put the address of somebody in Washington, D.C. on a letter in Monaco, it's going to get there, I guess.

[30:40] You know?

[30:41] It almost looks like.

Stuart Wellington

[30:42] Which is ridiculous.

[30:43] And she's had a phone call with her mother that did not go well.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] Did not go well.

[30:47] All the way in Philadelphia.

[30:49] Because I guess her mother just found out that Tom Hanks has AIDS.

[30:51] Oh, my God.

[30:52] It reminds me of something that happened when I worked at.

Dan McCoy

[30:55] That's the Philadelphia.

[30:55] Philadelphia story.

[30:56] Tom Hanks has AIDS.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] Well, when I worked at Suncoast Motion Picture Company, a video store that did not rent videos and only sold them, a guy walked in confident as the day is long in his selection.

[31:06] He walked up to me and he said, do you have the Philadelphia story?

[31:10] And I said, yes, we do.

[31:11] It was in the comedy section.

[31:12] I knew this.

[31:13] Went to get it and showed it to him.

[31:14] And he went, that's not it.

[31:15] And I was about to punch him.

[31:18] I was like, there's only one movie called the Philadelphia story.

[31:21] And he goes, no, with Tom Hanks.

[31:23] Like, oh, you mean Philadelphia.

[31:25] So not the story of a high society woman who has to choose between two suitors.

[31:30] You mean the story of a gay man who has come down with a fatal disease.

[31:34] Like, but you've added the story.

Stuart Wellington

[31:37] Yeah, I think he's still right.

[31:39] It is a story.

[31:40] It is a story in Philadelphia.

[31:41] And I think it's probably the most important story in the city of Philadelphia.

[31:46] The only way.

Dan McCoy

[31:47] Now I'm imagining Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant starring in Philadelphia.

[31:50] We're one of the Messees.

[31:51] Yeah, Cary Grant is terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] He fired me just because I came down with this disease.

[31:57] And Cary Grant is what?

[31:58] Is he in the Denzel Washington rule or in the Antonio Banderas rule?

Dan McCoy

[32:01] No, he's in the Denzel Washington rule.

[32:03] Okay, so he's defending him.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] My client, your honor.

[32:06] His rights have been invaded.

Dan McCoy

[32:09] Judy, Judy, Judy.

[32:11] That's pretty good.

[32:11] That's a better Cary Grant than I expected.

[32:13] That's better than I expected, frankly.

Elliott Kalan

[32:14] I did not expect that.

[32:16] It wasn't great, but it was better than I thought.

Dan McCoy

[32:17] But then at the end of this movie, she makes a speech that goes on for like 10 minutes of screen time.

Elliott Kalan

[32:24] Where she talks about, now earlier, it's been talking about how this was supposed to be a fairy tale story.

[32:29] That this beautiful woman becomes a real life princess.

[32:31] But in fact, it's more fake than her Hollywood life.

[32:34] I'm reading into it subtextually because that would be a more interesting story to watch.

[32:40] Her discovering that there's more artifice to this real life royalty than there was to her being queen of Hollywood.

[32:45] But she talked to Frank Langella and she goes, do you believe in fairy tales?

[32:48] And he says, no, but I do believe in happily ever after.

[32:50] What does that mean?

[32:51] Which is a huge dodge.

[32:52] It means nothing.

[32:53] It's like.

Dan McCoy

[32:53] But also like, they're the same thing.

[32:56] Fairy tales and happily ever after.

[32:57] Like it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[32:58] Potato, potato, bro.

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] Mm-hmm.

[33:01] Tomato to Mordo.

[33:02] Yeah.

[33:03] I mean like.

[33:03] That's what I would say if I was writing a letter to Baron Mordo.

[33:06] I mean why.

[33:06] Strange villain.

[33:07] You would totally get that joke.

[33:09] Take a letter to Mordo.

[33:12] Baron, in response to the letter you sent me of September the 3rd, yes, I will attend your dinner party.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] I have lost.

[33:21] Please do not seat me next to Dormammu.

[33:23] It is too warm.

[33:26] So anyway.

[33:26] Great.

[33:27] I don't know what that meant, but I'm sure it's great.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] So it means the same thing.

[33:31] Well, you'll know when Benedict Cumberbatch's Doctor Strange movie comes out.

[33:34] Mm-hmm.

[33:35] Who plays Dormammu in that?

[33:37] It's probably going to be like, I don't know, like DJ Qualls or something.

[33:41] What?

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] He's still a working actor?

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] Oh, yeah.

[33:44] It stands for Dormammu J. Qualls.

[33:46] I mean, it's a working DJ.

[33:47] Oh, no kidding.

[33:48] Actually, you think of DJ Qualls.

[33:50] It's Dan Qualls' DJ career.

[33:52] Wow.

[33:53] Yeah.

[33:54] Speaking of potato.

[33:55] Anyway, back to what we were talking about.

[33:57] So she gives a speech at the Red Cross Ball.

[34:01] Everyone's in attendance, even Charles de Gaulle.

[34:02] People are loving that shit.

[34:04] That rhymed.

[34:05] That was a rap I just dropped.

Dan McCoy

[34:06] Yeah.

[34:06] Thanks, DJ Qualls.

[34:09] That's my new rap name, DJ Qualls.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] The Qualls stands for quality.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] You can't spell quality without some of the letters in Qualls.

[34:21] No, she gives a speech about how she can't bear to live in a world where love doesn't conquer all.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] And during this speech, it seems like the camera gets fuzzier and fuzzier.

[34:31] Like, she's fading you into some, like, dreamless sleep.

Elliott Kalan

[34:34] Now, either they're going for a old-school glamour.

[34:37] They're putting Vaseline on the lens to make her look younger.

[34:39] Because she is shot in such close-up that you can see that her nose is a little weirdly shaped in a way I've never noticed before about Nicole Kidman.

Stuart Wellington

[34:48] Yeah, but it kind of makes her a little more attractive that way, right?

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] Yeah, it's the flaw that highlights the beauty.

[34:53] It's like a beauty mark.

[34:54] Or the camera operator was falling asleep and just didn't realize that the focus had fallen out.

[35:00] They're using one of those old focus-pulling cameras, you know.

[35:03] It's like the scene in Stagecoach where you first see John Wayne.

[35:06] Sure.

[35:06] The camera's moving forward so fast that they can't keep it in focus the whole time.

[35:09] But it makes the shot better, Dan.

[35:12] No, I agree.

[35:12] It highlights the drama of the shot, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[35:14] I just rewatched Stagecrouch.

[35:15] Crouch.

[35:16] Stagecrouch.

[35:17] Stagecrouch.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] Which is about a guy who's got such horrible stage fright he can't stand up.

Dan McCoy

[35:22] But he's a brilliant actor.

[35:23] Well, I was just imagining Stagecoach, but all the actors are crouching the whole time and they have to walk around.

Elliott Kalan

[35:28] It makes it very hard for the Indian fight at the end because they have to waddle around in a crouch while firing arrows.

Dan McCoy

[35:35] Even the horses are crouching when they're running and taking the stage.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] Oh, I forgot.

[35:40] And she gives this speech and it wins everyone over and Monaco is saved.

[35:43] Hooray.

[35:43] Now, here's something I wanted to mention also.

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] Yeah, the best part is right after her speech at this fancy dinner, there's this pause and then everybody starts to clap and it's like,

[35:51] Have you ever been to one of these fancy dinners where everybody didn't clap after a speech?

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] Well, Prince Rainier claps and stands up and everyone follows his lead, showing that he does love her and he's not ashamed of her for speaking out,

[36:02] even though she's essentially saying what he wants her to say, and also that he does command the allegiance of people.

[36:08] They didn't let him applaud alone.

[36:10] Oh, okay.

[36:11] Monaco is saved.

[36:13] It's a regular King's speech where nothing is at stake.

Stuart Wellington

[36:17] Does Charles de Gaulle go stomping out, throwing up his money and baguettes?

Elliott Kalan

[36:21] Well, Charles de Gaulle's sidekick comes up to try to comfort him and he pushes him away angrily.

Stuart Wellington

[36:25] Slaps him in the face with a beret.

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] And then they both fall in a pool that for some reason was in the middle of the ballroom.

[36:30] That's full of wine.

[36:32] So win-win for them, right?

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:34] But here's the thing.

[36:35] The thing that struck me most about this movie was there's a scene where, like I was saying,

[36:40] Grace Kelly goes to Derek Jacoby's house and he teaches her all of the history of Monaco and of the Grimaldi family.

[36:46] And she learns about it and practices this speech and how she's going to talk.

[36:53] And it reminded me of nothing more than the Saved by the Bell episode where Zach Morris learns he has some Native American ancestry

[36:59] and he has to learn about what it was like to be an American Indian.

[37:03] And the guy he goes to talk to gives him a big pile of books to read just like Grace Kelly gets a big pile of books.

[37:09] And then he goes and he gives Chief Joseph's speech before his class about how he will wage war no more.

[37:16] I felt I'll fight no more forever.

[37:18] And I realized—

[37:19] Was this like a Good Morning Miss Bliss episode?

[37:21] No, this was when it was by Saved by the Bell because they're in California.

[37:24] So Slater was there.

[37:25] Because, yes, the Native American mentor that he gets is a surfer.

[37:30] Oh, that makes sense.

[37:31] And would it make sense in the Indiana location of Good Morning Miss Bliss?

[37:35] That would be strange.

[37:36] For them to be a surfer Indian?

[37:37] Maybe in like the Great Lakes?

Stuart Wellington

[37:38] Or Native American, I guess.

[37:39] Is there a lot of surfing in the Great Lakes?

[37:41] I don't think so.

[37:42] I think near Cleveland there's some.

[37:44] I mean, Sarah has a t-shirt that says Surf Ohio.

Dan McCoy

[37:48] I don't know whether that's ironic.

Stuart Wellington

[37:49] Yeah, it could be ironic.

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] Yeah, one of those ironic t-shirts I've been hearing so much about lately.

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] What was the B-plot in that episode?

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] I don't know if there was one.

[37:57] There was so much—I mean, Saved by the Bell didn't have a lot of B-plots.

[37:59] What was the B-plot in Grace of Monica?

[38:02] The B-plot in Grace of Monica was, I guess, Frank Langella getting chewed out by the Vatican

[38:06] for spending all his time hanging around with the princess.

[38:08] From being her personal priest?

[38:10] Well, I guess the B-plot was, who's going to play Marnie?

[38:13] And it turned out to be Tippy Hedren.

[38:15] Spoiler alert, guys.

[38:16] The tippest of Hedrens.

[38:19] But it was like, so the Grace of Monica was attempting and failing to reach the same level of drama

[38:24] as a middling episode of Saved by the Bell.

[38:26] And when I say middling, I mean that it didn't involve the Malibu Sands Beach Club

[38:29] or Jesse Spano getting addicted to caffeine pills.

[38:34] Yeah, that's the best one.

[38:34] Which is, of course, the best episode of Saved by the Bell.

[38:36] Yeah, that's the best one.

[38:37] Am I forgetting the Zack attack behind the music episode?

[38:39] That's pretty great, too.

[38:40] No, I'm not forgetting.

[38:41] Whoa!

[38:42] One of two appearances by Casey Kasem in the series?

[38:45] Yes.

[38:45] I'm not going to forget that.

[38:47] Now, am I forgetting any of the episodes with Screech's robot, Kevin?

[38:50] Right.

[38:51] Of course not.

Stuart Wellington

[38:53] All right.

[38:53] What about where they do the dance, the Lisa, where they hop around on one foot?

[38:57] That's a pretty good one.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] That's one of the Casey Kasem appearances with the dance competition at the max.

[39:00] That's a great one, yeah.

[39:00] That's good.

[39:01] There's also, of course, the one where Zack gets a 1502 on his SATs, and Stanford is all over him.

Stuart Wellington

[39:06] Mm-hmm.

[39:07] Jesse is fucking pissed.

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] She is so mad.

[39:10] Incensed.

[39:10] She is so mad.

[39:11] So, guys.

[39:12] Let's not forget the one where he and Jesse start having romantic feelings for each other on vacation.

[39:18] The highlight of which is just that Elizabeth Berkley's in a bikini.

Dan McCoy

[39:21] Mm-hmm.

[39:21] I mean, she's in Showgirls.

[39:23] We don't need to.

[39:24] This was pre-Showgirls, Dan.

[39:25] All right.

[39:26] So, on this apt Saved by the Bell analogy, let's close down discussion and talk about Final Judgment.

[39:33] Grace of Monaco.

[39:35] Was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked?

[39:38] I'm going to start for once.

[39:39] I'm going to say.

[39:40] You loved it.

[39:41] Bad, bad movie.

[39:43] It was boring.

[39:44] And in addition to having the moral that Monaco should hold out on the moral judgment or the moral grounds that it should be a tax dodge for rich people.

Elliott Kalan

[39:59] Well, the fact that she's like, we need money for this orphanage.

[40:01] And he's like, what can I do?

[40:02] I can't start taxing the residents here to use the money to pay for services.

[40:06] That's not what Monaco does.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Yeah.

[40:09] So, it puts that message forth.

[40:10] That is monocold.

[40:11] And it also puts the message forth that Grace Kelly should be a servile wife standing by her man rather than having her own career as an artist in Hollywood.

[40:24] Those two things together, not so great.

[40:28] Also, there's...

[40:29] Not so great, Kelly.

[40:31] Barely any conflicts in this movie.

[40:33] I don't know why I should care.

[40:34] I will say that it's not so terrible as a movie that I feel like it necessarily makes sense that it went straight from Cannes to Lifetime.

[40:45] Like, there are much worse movies that have had theatrical releases.

[40:49] But that's not enough to recommend it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] That's what I say.

[40:52] That's true.

[40:53] Not as bad as other movies.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:55] Not actually worse.

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] As far as turds go, it's pretty firm.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] It's not one of those wet ones.

[41:01] It's hard to clean up.

Stuart Wellington

[41:02] Yeah, I'm going to go...

[41:03] I'm going to agree with you, Dan.

[41:04] I'm going to say bad, bad movie.

[41:06] I think you mentioned when we were watching, Elliot, that if it had a lighter tone, it might be more fun.

[41:12] But it takes itself so seriously.

[41:14] And it features...

[41:15] Especially near the end, like, every scene features, like, opera music.

[41:22] Yeah.

[41:23] The movie ends...

[41:24] That almost, like, deifies the characters.

[41:26] It's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] The movie ends with Grace Kelly reading a letter from Frank Langella about how the serenity she has gained is what, I guess, all, like, men are striving for when they worship God.

[41:36] And that...

[41:37] And there's angelic choirs in the background.

[41:39] And, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:39] And that's right before time gets unstuck and we are trapped in some kind of unending loop of Grace Kelly's life.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] It becomes a real Kelly House 5.

[41:47] We're just experiencing moments out of sync.

[41:50] And not in the fun way, like, at the end of Easy Rider 2.

[41:54] Or...

Stuart Wellington

[41:54] And then Old Man was getting a haircut.

[41:55] Yeah, which was like the ending of Akira.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] Yeah.

[41:59] It's caught on shards of time.

[42:01] Yeah, it's stuck in a singularity.

[42:02] Like in Wax or the Discovery of Television Among the Bees.

[42:06] But, yeah, it's setting Grace Kelly up as a sort of martyred saint in this weird way.

[42:12] And I agree with both you guys that it was boring.

[42:15] It's beautiful to look at at times.

[42:17] But it looks like an expensive perfume commercial for most of the movie.

[42:20] It's boring.

[42:22] The message is offensive in the way that it's saying she was right to deny herself a part of herself.

[42:28] And, yeah, it's just really like...

[42:32] It is kind of disgustingly over the top in terms of how serious it takes it.

[42:36] Even the King's speech.

[42:37] But Parker Posey got paid.

[42:39] That's cool.

[42:40] If you had told the story from the point of view of Parker Posey's character and with a sense of humor,

[42:45] that could have been a good movie.

[42:46] It's like Prig, who is making life hell for Grace Kelly, but turns out to save the day in the end

[42:52] by unmasking the plot by the sister to unseat him from the throne.

[42:58] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[42:59] The moment Grace Kelly foils the plot to take over the throne.

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] That's the fucking B-plot of the movie.

[43:04] That's the B-plot of the movie.

[43:05] Yeah.

[43:05] That's right.

[43:05] It's who's the mole.

[43:07] That's true.

[43:07] The B-plot of the movie, as with the B-plot of Spider-Man and the X-Men by Ely Kalin was,

[43:12] who's the mole?

[43:14] That Kalumbo.

Dan McCoy

[43:15] That's the B-plot-ier thing?

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] It's simply the driving force of it.

[43:19] I mean, the A-plot is just crazy adventures for them to get into.

[43:21] Yeah, I guess that's true.

[43:22] Yeah, Grace Kelly as Kalumbo.

[43:24] The detective who discovers it, that's the B-plot.

[43:27] But like, the King's speech, which is about World War II, has more jokes in it.

[43:32] And a lighter sense of like, just style and character.

Stuart Wellington

[43:35] That's what you get when you bang on Geoffrey Rush, as opposed to Tim Roth.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] I'll tell you what, his name may be Rush, but he takes his time.

[43:41] And his time, ing, is impeccable.

Dan McCoy

[43:43] Okay, well, that's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] You know he was named after the band Rush?

Dan McCoy

[43:47] No, it's not true.

Elliott Kalan

[43:48] Yeah, his original name was Geoffrey, today's Tom Sawyer.

Stuart Wellington

[43:50] And he is no fly-by-night.

Elliott Kalan

[43:52] No, he's living in the limelight, though.

[43:54] He will forever be in the limelight.

[43:56] He's got the spirit of radio.

[43:58] I gotta tell you, but that man's supposed to be in moving pictures.

Stuart Wellington

[44:01] Before we move on.

Elliott Kalan

[44:02] What was the name of their future concept album?

Stuart Wellington

[44:05] 2112?

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] Yeah, he'll be around until then.

Stuart Wellington

[44:08] He doesn't have to roll the bones.

Elliott Kalan

[44:11] Big Money, is that a Rush song?

[44:13] Clockwork Angels.

[44:17] Before we move on.

[44:18] Sledgehammer, not a Rush song.

[44:22] Peter Archangel Gabriel.

[44:24] So I didn't give my official, bad, bad.

[44:26] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[44:28] Ty is a pedantic person.

[44:35] I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way.

[44:40] Gyro.

[44:41] Gyro.

[44:42] Sacrebleu.

[44:43] Sacrebleu.

[44:44] Ayers Rock.

Elliott Kalan

[44:45] Uluru.

Stuart Wellington

[44:48] What you are witnessing is real.

[44:51] The participants are not actors.

[44:53] They are actual litigants with real cases.

Dan McCoy

[44:56] They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court.

[45:00] The real people's court.

[45:02] Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court.

[45:06] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

[45:12] Before we move on, we do have a sponsor tonight.

[45:16] Woo!

[45:17] The Flophouse is brought to you in part by Squarespace.

[45:20] Squarespace!

[45:21] The all-in-one...

Elliott Kalan

[45:22] Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[45:24] Website.

[45:25] Platform.

Elliott Kalan

[45:26] Now, let...

[45:26] Okay.

[45:27] Let's say one thing.

[45:28] Dan, Stuart.

[45:29] Mm-hmm.

[45:29] I want to start a website.

[45:30] Sure.

[45:31] It's going to be called dogbutts.com.

[45:33] Okay.

[45:33] It's your place online for dogs' butts and what to do with them.

[45:37] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:37] But I don't know how to start a website.

Dan McCoy

[45:39] What to do with them?

[45:40] You sick bastard.

Elliott Kalan

[45:42] Groom and clean up after.

[45:44] Okay.

[45:44] Uh-huh.

[45:45] And some other stuff.

[45:46] Now, where do I...

[45:48] How do I set up a website?

[45:49] Where do I go?

[45:49] Dan?

[45:50] Well...

[45:50] I tried typing dogbutts.com on a typewriter and it didn't work.

Dan McCoy

[45:53] Well, you go to a company that I'm sure is very excited about having dogs' butts associated

[45:58] with them.

[45:59] So thank you for going there with your brain.

[46:01] Ugh.

[46:03] But you go to Squarespace.

[46:04] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] It's called penguinfarts.com.

[46:07] Better.

[46:07] It's your place on the internet for farts made by penguins.

[46:10] Look, here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[46:10] Squarespace doesn't judge.

[46:11] That sounds adorable.

[46:12] Whatever you want to make your website about, you can do it at Squarespace.

Elliott Kalan

[46:15] Even farts from penguins or butts from dogs.

[46:18] Yeah.

[46:18] Okay.

[46:19] Let's say this.

[46:19] I've got a Christopher Lee fan page I want to put up.

[46:21] That sounds terrific.

[46:22] It's called penguinfarts.com.

[46:24] Why would you call that?

[46:24] Your place online for the great British actor Christopher Lee.

[46:27] Sure.

[46:28] Where do I go?

[46:28] How do I do it?

Dan McCoy

[46:29] You go to squarespace.com.

[46:31] You know why?

[46:32] Because Squarespace sites look professionally designed regardless of your skill level.

[46:36] Because my skill level is nada.

[46:38] Super low.

[46:38] You don't need to know anything about coding.

[46:39] You think the devil wears nada.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] My skill level is at the same level.

Dan McCoy

[46:43] Yeah.

[46:43] Well, you don't need to know coding.

[46:45] You can...

Elliott Kalan

[46:45] So you're saying they talk to their manager and they're going to knock off that coding.

[46:49] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] That coding is not put into the factory.

[46:54] Wow.

[46:55] Yeah.

[46:56] Okay.

[46:56] So what...

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] But will it work on like a phone?

[46:58] Will it work on a tablet?

Dan McCoy

[46:59] Yeah.

[47:00] No, it's...

[47:01] What do you got?

[47:02] It's got that responsive design.

[47:02] I'm getting a lot of mobile traffic at penguinfarts.com.

[47:05] Sure.

[47:05] It's got responsive design.

Stuart Wellington

[47:06] Well, you appeal to on-the-go users.

Elliott Kalan

[47:09] I'm a businessman.

[47:10] I want to learn about Christopher Lee and maybe a penguin farts when I click on the buttons.

Dan McCoy

[47:14] Well, here's the good news for you.

[47:15] It'll look great on your phone.

[47:16] It'll look great on your tablet.

[47:18] It doesn't matter.

[47:19] That sounds like responsive design.

[47:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] That does sound very responsive to the needs of me and the consumer.

[47:25] Now, Dan, so I don't need to know how to code because that's good.

[47:27] I don't know how to.

[47:28] It automatically changes for a phone or a tablet or a computer or whatever.

[47:32] Now, is there...

[47:33] And there's no limit to what I can do with it.

[47:35] That's also true.

[47:35] They're not going to judge me.

[47:36] I can do whatever I want with it.

Dan McCoy

[47:38] I mean, within reason.

Elliott Kalan

[47:40] I mean, nothing illegal.

[47:41] Yeah, there you go.

[47:41] But let's say I want to finally marry my twin interests of Christopher Lee and what it sounds

[47:46] like when a penguin farts.

Stuart Wellington

[47:47] It did sound like he was going to marry his twin.

[47:49] And perfectly...

Elliott Kalan

[47:50] I can't marry my twin.

[47:52] One, that's illegal.

[47:53] Two, I'm not attracted to her.

[47:54] She's not my type.

[47:55] Three, she's married already and I'm married already.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] Those are three good reasons.

[47:59] Well, look.

[48:01] If you want to start your weirdo fan site, you can start your free trial today with no

[48:07] credit card required at squarespace.com.

[48:09] I don't even need a credit card to start it up?

[48:11] You don't.

[48:12] And you can use the offer code...

[48:13] I can just nail them pens.

[48:14] It's convenient now.

[48:15] You can use the offer code FLOP to get 10% off your first purchase.

[48:20] Squarespace, build it beautiful.

[48:22] Thank you for sponsoring the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] Thank you very much for sponsoring it and giving me the opportunity to do my Christopher Lee

[48:27] Penguin Farts website.

[48:28] And offer code is FLOP.

[48:31] Yeah.

[48:31] Go to squarespace.com, type in FLOP, 10% off, start up your site.

Stuart Wellington

[48:36] Mm-hmm.

[48:36] Just not a Christopher Lee site.

[48:38] That's how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] Maybe like an Elliot Kalin fan site.

[48:39] Maybe do one of those.

[48:40] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[48:40] It's called Dog Farts.

[48:42] Dogfarts.com.

[48:43] That probably exists.

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] Your place online for unofficial Elliot Kalin news.

[48:47] I'm sure Dogfarts.com must exist.

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:50] But now...

[48:50] If it doesn't, why does the internet even exist?

Stuart Wellington

[48:52] Why are we here?

Dan McCoy

[48:53] It's such a waste of human endeavor.

[48:56] Now it's time.

[48:57] Why did Stephen Hawking invent it?

[48:58] I have no idea.

Stuart Wellington

[49:02] For a final judgment.

[49:04] No.

Dan McCoy

[49:04] Do-do-do-do.

[49:05] Do-do-do-do.

[49:06] Scary.

[49:07] Great.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Grace of Monaco.

[49:09] Hear ye, hear ye.

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] How do you plead?

[49:12] Movie.

Stuart Wellington

Dan McCoy

[49:15] I find you not guilty.

[49:18] For letters from listeners.

[49:20] Letters from people like you who wrote in to us hoping for a response.

Elliott Kalan

[49:25] What you're saying, Dan, is that someone took the time to write a letter to us.

[49:31] Well, I think we owe them at least one rhyme about letters.

[49:37] The letters they wrote about letters.

[49:40] I'm singing out of my throat.

[49:41] Should be singing from the diaphragm.

[49:45] But is that what I'm doing?

[49:46] It's not what I am doing.

[49:49] Right now, never took a lesson in my life.

[49:53] But I still want to sing all my life about letters from you.

[49:57] I rhymed life with the word life.

[49:58] You're not supposed to do that.

[50:01] But I did it anyway.

[50:03] Letters about us.

Dan McCoy

[50:07] All right.

[50:08] Well, thank you.

[50:09] And thank you, Stuart, for getting another beer and slurping into the mic.

[50:15] Call him Mike Slurper.

[50:18] Mike Slurper.

[50:19] P.I.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] Just one more slurp, sir.

[50:24] That's when she walked into my office and walked right back out again.

[50:28] I should really stop slurping.

[50:29] See that grossed out look on her face.

Stuart Wellington

[50:31] I know it's a cold beverage.

[50:32] I don't need to take it that slowly.

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] One of the...

[50:35] Close the doors.

[50:36] One of you is a...

[50:37] A what?

[50:40] A what?

[50:41] I said a murderer.

[50:42] You're a murderer.

[50:43] The murderer is...

[50:45] The other?

[50:46] She had legs going all the way up to...

[50:48] Whoa.

[50:49] Okay, whoa.

Dan McCoy

[50:50] Yeah, that's pretty gross.

[50:51] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] Speaking of graphic, read us the letter that I assume is about Crang having sex with a Transformer or something.

Dan McCoy

[50:58] It goes like this.

[50:58] Hey, Dan.

[51:00] This is very important.

Elliott Kalan

[51:01] You're the best guy.

[51:02] I love you the most.

[51:03] Love, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[51:04] Please do not read this on the air in front of, quote, Stuart Wellington.

[51:08] If he's around, please ask him to step into another room.

[51:11] Why am I in quotes?

Stuart Wellington

[51:14] If he really exists.

Dan McCoy

[51:16] If he doesn't leave immediately, you and Elliot work on your Woody Allen impressions.

Elliott Kalan

[51:23] I don't have to work on it.

[51:24] It's perfect.

[51:25] I was speaking to Stuart the other day, and I wondered, why is he with the Dungeons and Dragons?

[51:33] It's more like, she's a beautiful woman.

[51:36] Why would she?

[51:36] I don't understand.

[51:37] You're a beautiful, intelligent woman.

[51:39] I once said sex with Stuart, as far as empty experiences go, is one of the most satisfying.

Dan McCoy

[51:48] So, okay.

[51:48] The letter goes, okay, he's gone now, right?

[51:51] The person that has been on the Flophouse for the past six months is not Stuart Wellington.

[51:57] He is an imposter.

[51:58] Please be careful, and please do not let this imposter know that you know this.

[52:02] I do not know when the switch happened, and I do not know the true identity of the imposter you've been recording with.

[52:07] I do not know where the real Stuart is.

[52:09] Good luck.

[52:10] Alex, last name withheld.

[52:13] Hey, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[52:14] You guys done doing those impressions?

Dan McCoy

[52:15] Yeah.

[52:16] Yeah, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[52:17] I assume that was Detective Alex Cross.

Stuart Wellington

[52:20] You guys just got a letter from Alex Cross?

[52:22] Was he talking about that snake man he killed in that one movie?

[52:25] Detective Mattress Cross.

[52:26] What about Jonah Hex?

[52:28] Yeah.

[52:28] He was in Jonah Hex, too?

[52:30] No.

[52:31] Uh-oh.

Dan McCoy

[52:32] So, no clues?

[52:33] We don't have any other clues?

[52:35] So, like, what are the clues going to be?

[52:37] I mean, he seems like Stuart based on the three Modellos he has lined up over there.

[52:42] Yeah.

[52:43] And he sounds like Stuart.

[52:44] And I guess, I'm assuming some sort of metal t-shirt that he has on.

Stuart Wellington

[52:49] Yeah, it says Gore Guts on it.

[52:50] That's a good guess.

[52:52] Oh, we saw them.

[52:53] Yeah, we saw them.

[52:54] How were Gore Guts?

Dan McCoy

[52:55] Were they good, bad, bad, bad?

[52:57] Or did you have one?

[52:58] They were a band I kind of liked.

[52:59] They were good.

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] They were good.

[53:00] They were very heavy.

[53:01] Very sludgy.

[53:02] Mm-hmm.

[53:03] So sludgy is a good thing.

[53:05] I mean, I haven't noticed anything different about Stuart except that he doesn't row very much anymore.

[53:09] But I think that's just because he's trying to avoid typecasting.

[53:12] And pigeonholing.

[53:13] And I forget.

[53:15] Because I'm drunk.

[53:18] So, Dan, continue the next one.

[53:20] I reject that letter's premise out of hand.

Dan McCoy

[53:23] Until my dead body is found.

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] Without hands.

[53:28] Did the Russian mob kill me?

Dan McCoy

[53:30] Yeah.

[53:30] This is from James, last name with help.

[53:33] Lipton.

[53:34] All right.

[53:35] He says, if Elliot said Woods, Earl Jones, Franco, Marsden, Dean, or Brown, he's legally obligated

[53:41] to hand over Ziggy movie rights.

[53:42] Oh, wow.

[53:43] MC Ganey, coleslaw in a bag, trademarking Popeye's chicken.

[53:46] I forgot about MC Ganey, coleslaw in a bag.

[53:49] But he did not.

[53:50] No.

Elliott Kalan

[53:51] You got to get up pretty early in the morning to guess what nickname of a real person I'm going

[53:55] to add to your first name.

Dan McCoy

[53:56] But James says, good day, dudes.

[53:58] It's a good thing his name isn't DJ.

[53:59] I would have said quals.

Elliott Kalan

[54:01] So easy to figure out.

Dan McCoy

[54:03] I've been listening to your back catalog for the umpteenth time.

[54:06] I've noticed that of all the OPs...

Elliott Kalan

[54:07] Do you think MC Ganey and DJ Quals ever play shows together?

[54:12] Yeah.

[54:12] Sorry, you were reading a letter.

Dan McCoy

[54:14] Of all the OPs, Stewart seems to have an affinity with Australian actors and films the

[54:18] most.

[54:19] I don't know about that.

[54:20] I think you all...

Elliott Kalan

[54:20] I certainly don't.

[54:21] I can't tell the difference between Australia and Scotland.

[54:24] Opposite ends of the world.

Dan McCoy

[54:25] You've all recommended osploitation films in the past, including Wake and Fright, Mad Max,

[54:30] Beyond Thunderdome, and the R-rated sex romp horror shocker that is Picnic and Hanging

[54:34] Rock.

[54:35] Okay, that's one per person there.

Stuart Wellington

[54:36] I got to apologize for something, dudes.

[54:39] Yeah.

[54:40] I've never actually seen Wake and Fright.

[54:43] Oh, you'd like it.

[54:44] You'd like it a lot.

[54:44] I know I'd like it.

[54:45] I just haven't watched it yet.

[54:46] Hey, look, there's lots of...

[54:47] I think I'm going to watch it next week.

[54:48] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] Look, we lead busy modern lives.

[54:52] As long as no kangaroos get killed.

[54:54] I've got some bad news for you.

Stuart Wellington

[54:57] I just love them roos.

Elliott Kalan

[54:58] As long as everybody stays asleep in fright during the movie.

[55:02] He says...

Stuart Wellington

[55:03] As long as there isn't just one last call in the movie, one last call.

Dan McCoy

[55:09] Is it fair to say that Stu is the most true blue or is fair dinkum?

[55:14] Will you sell Aussie beer or tinnies in your pub, Stuart?

[55:17] Look, I recommended Wake and Fright, Road Games, and Dead and Drive-In.

Stuart Wellington

[55:24] I think that...

[55:24] Yeah, you have...

[55:25] See, I always...

[55:26] My problem is...

[55:27] I think my favorite movies that I...

[55:29] My brain assumes are osploitation movies are actually Richard Stanley movies.

[55:34] And he's South African, right?

[55:36] Oh, is he...

[55:38] Hardware and...

[55:39] Yeah, Rawhead.

[55:40] And Blood Dust Devil.

[55:43] I mean, Flat Stanley has been all over the world.

[55:44] Are they related?

[55:46] Yes.

[55:46] They're brothers.

[55:48] See, they were in the crib together.

[55:50] And Richard Stanley rolled over him while he was doing his...

[55:54] Dr. Moreau impression.

Elliott Kalan

[55:55] It's amazing that his name was already flat.

Dan McCoy

[55:59] But here we go.

[56:00] I think you have reached the level of fame where a Flophouse Down Under show is now feasible.

[56:05] But to prepare you for this, here's some slang you might want to brush up on.

[56:10] So there's a quiz here.

[56:12] Well, I know Foster's means beer.

[56:15] Duna.

[56:16] Duna.

[56:16] Is it A, a duvet.

[56:19] B, a cigarette.

[56:20] C, a spookily good bad movie.

[56:24] Or, uh...

[56:25] Yeah, that's it.

[56:26] I'm gonna say donut.

[56:29] I'm gonna say a durner kebab.

[56:30] It's a duvet.

Elliott Kalan

[56:32] Duna kebab.

[56:33] A duvet.

[56:34] What's a duvet?

Dan McCoy

[56:35] Uh, it's like a comforter.

Elliott Kalan

[56:37] Chunder.

[56:38] So a blanket.

[56:39] Chunder.

[56:39] Everybody, let's stop putting on airs.

[56:41] Just call them blankets, okay?

Dan McCoy

[56:42] I mean, it's a blanket that's got stuffing inside it.

Elliott Kalan

[56:46] La-di-da.

[56:47] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[56:48] Yeah, I put stuff on top of pizza.

[56:49] It's still a pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[56:50] Am I right?

[56:51] Thank you.

[56:52] I put breadcrumbs inside my blanket.

[56:54] Chunder.

[56:55] Is that the kind of stuffing you're using?

Dan McCoy

[56:56] Chunder.

[56:57] Cricket Bevo.

[56:58] Well, that's also slang.

[57:00] We don't know what Bevo is.

[57:02] House cat aftermath.

[57:04] That's B.

[57:05] Or C, vomit.

[57:06] We all know this one.

Elliott Kalan

[57:07] Yeah.

[57:08] Come on.

[57:08] Chunder is thunder that's laughing, like chuckling.

[57:10] There you go.

Dan McCoy

[57:11] You've got Buckley's.

[57:14] You've got Buckley's.

[57:16] A, no chance.

[57:17] B, food in your teeth.

[57:19] C, a clumsy tongue.

[57:22] Yeah, I have no idea.

[57:23] That's no chance.

Stuart Wellington

[57:26] Named after Buckley's?

[57:29] William F. Buckley.

Dan McCoy

[57:30] Plonk.

[57:30] I know this one.

[57:32] Is it A, a ripped off ding dong.

[57:35] B, cheap wine.

[57:36] C, open wound.

[57:39] I'm going to say it's a ding dong.

Stuart Wellington

[57:41] It's cheap wine.

Dan McCoy

[57:43] Damn it.

[57:44] Which could lead to a ripped off ding dong.

[57:46] Exactly.

[57:47] I think I'm going to end.

[57:47] Stuart, one step ahead.

Stuart Wellington

[57:48] I think you've been seeing a movie.

Dan McCoy

[57:49] I think I'm actually going to end on this next one because it's the most delightful.

[57:55] Crack of fat.

[57:56] A, have an erection.

[57:58] B, get angry.

[57:59] C, eat like an aging French actor.

Elliott Kalan

[58:03] That's called dipper doing.

Dan McCoy

[58:05] Yeah.

[58:07] Yeah, I think that we all know that crack of fat.

[58:09] As opposed to dipper donting.

[58:10] Is to have an erection.

[58:14] That's pretty great.

[58:15] Okay, that sounds all right.

[58:16] It's pretty delightful.

Elliott Kalan

[58:16] Now, all this has made me realize that I'm not going to understand what anyone's saying

[58:19] if we go to Australia.

[58:21] But, if Australians want to pay us to come there.

[58:25] Yeah, we got some time now, I guess.

[58:27] I mean, I've got lots of time.

[58:28] Elliot's shaking his head.

[58:29] No, I was shaking my head like, yeah, you're right.

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] He's like, I don't want to get bitten by a giant spider monster.

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] Look, I don't need a giant spider monster.

Stuart Wellington

[58:34] There's a bunch of driders down there in the underdark.

Elliott Kalan

[58:36] There's a reason I don't go to Monster Island or that place from Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster.

[58:41] I don't need a giant spider attacking me.

[58:43] What's the name of the giant spider in Lord of the Rings?

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] Shelob?

[58:46] Shelob.

[58:47] Or Ungoliant.

[58:49] There's more than one?

[58:50] There's a ton of them.

Dan McCoy

[58:53] So, this last letter for the evening is from Cassandra, last name withheld.

[58:58] Wilson.

[58:58] Who writes, whose title is, hi, I'm drunk, have a letter.

[59:04] I'm a wee bit drunk, so naturally I decided to write a letter into your bod pass.

[59:09] Oh boy.

[59:11] For yucks or rucks.

[59:13] Of course, I have no idea what to actually fire about.

[59:17] So, I'll just ask questions of each of you.

[59:20] Dan, if I were a butt, what would you spank me with?

[59:24] I don't like this question.

[59:26] Hell yeah.

[59:27] What is bitty bitty bumming and why is it something that seems reserved for someone financially well off?

[59:33] Oh, I can explain that.

[59:34] Stuart.

[59:35] Stew balls.

[59:36] Oh crap, that's not a question.

[59:38] Stew balls?

[59:40] There, that's butter.

[59:41] Better.

[59:41] What the fuck ever.

[59:43] So, I guess...

[59:43] This person is hella juku.

[59:45] I guess a spatula is what I'd spank you with.

[59:48] Wood and plastic or metal?

Elliott Kalan

[59:50] A metal spatula.

[59:52] It seems like it would hurt, but I guess that's the point.

Dan McCoy

[59:54] I mean, not if you hit in the fleshy part of the buttocks.

[59:57] So, bitty bitty bumming.

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] As opposed to what, hitting their coccyx?

[1:00:00] Why would you do that?

[1:00:01] You wouldn't do that.

[1:00:01] It would hurt really bad.

[1:00:02] Yeah.

[1:00:03] Bitty bitty bumming.

[1:00:04] When he says all day long I'd bitty bitty bum, it's just kind of like, as far as I can

[1:00:08] understand, puttering around, like not doing much of anything.

[1:00:12] And you'd have to be rich to do that because otherwise, life in the shtetl is a game of

[1:00:16] survival and a fight to see another day.

[1:00:20] But as you would know from later in the song, what he would do is spend eight hours every

[1:00:24] day discussing the learned books, the holy books with the learned men.

[1:00:28] And he'd finally have a seat in the synagogue by the eastern wall.

[1:00:31] And that type of thing would be the sweetest of all.

[1:00:34] But you see, he doesn't really want to do nothing all day.

[1:00:36] He wants to become closer to his God and to the literate wisdom that is denied him because

[1:00:41] of his poverty.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:42] But Elliot, what would he do if he were a rich man?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] That's kind of what I just said.

[1:00:50] There was another song they cut out called If I Was Jonathan Richman.

[1:00:53] And it was like, I'd sing songs like this, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:57] Sing about Pablo Picasso and Roadrunners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:00] And driving at night.

[1:01:01] Gonna go to the government center with the modern lovers.

[1:01:08] If I were a Jonathan Richman.

[1:01:11] Stuart.

[1:01:12] Stuart Balls?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:14] Hey, how you doing?

[1:01:15] All right, well, there you go.

[1:01:16] Perfect answer.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:18] You have defeated the gums of bar.

[1:01:20] Just to wrap up the letter.

[1:01:22] There you go.

[1:01:23] Sexiest letter ever.

[1:01:25] Bam.

[1:01:25] Cassandra.

[1:01:26] I'm trying to decide.

[1:01:27] P.S.

[1:01:28] I'm trying to decide if I'll regret this in the morning.

[1:01:30] At least I didn't hit on you.

[1:01:32] You sexy, sexy, sex muffins.

[1:01:34] You.

[1:01:35] So there you go.

[1:01:37] Yeah, at least.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:38] At least.

[1:01:39] And at most, what about the next letter?

[1:01:42] I told you that was the last letter.

[1:01:44] Oh.

[1:01:44] It's a terrible transition.

[1:01:46] Stuart.

[1:01:48] So, final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:53] You need to come on stuck in time like Grace Kelly.

[1:01:57] I'm a child.

[1:01:58] I'm my baby Kelly.

[1:01:59] I don't know what's going on.

[1:02:00] Someone blew up the McCray and Crystal.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:02] No, this is time for our final segment of the evening.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:07] I'm getting near to the North Pole.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:10] Where we recommend movies.

[1:02:12] I'm some sort of Amy Poehler Express.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:14] That's like the Poehler Express, but they're all Amy Poehler.

[1:02:17] That's terrifying.

[1:02:18] It sounds like it would be a lot of fun.

[1:02:19] I don't know.

[1:02:21] This is.

[1:02:22] Wait.

[1:02:22] Rather than a train where everyone's Amy Poehler, you'd rather have a train with some kind

[1:02:25] of creepy Tom Hanks and Aerosmith waiting for you at the other end.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:30] Aerosmith, the comic book series?

[1:02:32] No, not Aerosmith.

[1:02:34] The fantasy series.

[1:02:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] Aerosmith, the band, which is playing at the North Pole at the end of Polar Express.

[1:02:40] Wait, really?

[1:02:40] That sounds crazy.

[1:02:41] Isn't that something about how they're rocking at the top of the world?

[1:02:43] What?

[1:02:44] But they're like elf Aerosmith.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:46] Actually, that sounds amazing.

[1:02:48] I don't know.

[1:02:48] I'd be crying.

[1:02:50] Aeros Elf.

[1:02:53] Okay.

[1:02:53] Well, that's.

[1:02:54] You know what?

[1:02:55] I wouldn't want to miss a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:58] It's crazy.

[1:02:59] It's amazing.

[1:03:00] You'll be crying.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:04] Well.

[1:03:05] Live on the edge.

[1:03:06] Yeah.

[1:03:06] That dude looks like a lady.

[1:03:08] But he's still having love in an elevator.

[1:03:10] Now it doesn't even have any connection.

[1:03:12] Moving on up when you're going down.

[1:03:14] Yeah.

[1:03:15] All right.

[1:03:15] Sweet emotion.

[1:03:16] We all did it.

[1:03:17] Now, for the last segment of the night.

[1:03:19] Just put it.

[1:03:19] Of the show.

[1:03:21] Which is where we recommend movies that we liked.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:24] The show is a podcast.

[1:03:25] Yeah.

[1:03:25] This show.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:27] This show.

[1:03:28] Not that other one.

[1:03:29] No.

[1:03:29] Not that 70s podcast.

[1:03:31] This is where we recommend movies that you should watch instead of Grace of Monaco.

[1:03:36] Stuart, you look like you got one.

[1:03:37] I'll recommend almost anything.

[1:03:38] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:39] Okay.

[1:03:40] So before I.

[1:03:41] Before we do the Flophouse recommends section of this podcast.

[1:03:45] Holy shit.

[1:03:45] We're going to do a quick brief aside.

[1:03:48] We're going to step into our.

[1:03:50] Me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] Oh, God.

[1:03:51] We're going to jump.

[1:03:51] Dan, you've lost control of the wheel.

[1:03:54] Captain.

[1:03:55] So you have to go, I'm the captain now.

[1:03:57] Dog.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:00] No.

[1:04:01] So we're going to do that reoccurring segment.

[1:04:03] Flophouse in the Isles.

[1:04:04] Ellie and I went to a Broadway show this weekend.

[1:04:07] That's true.

[1:04:07] We did.

[1:04:08] We saw Hammy Town.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:10] Hammy Town.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:11] It's a Hamilton.

[1:04:12] Hamilton.

[1:04:14] It's a story of George Hamilton.

[1:04:15] Produced by a Max Fun supporter.

[1:04:19] Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:21] Produced, written, starring.

[1:04:22] Yeah, he did everything.

[1:04:23] He wrote the lyrics.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:24] The guy did everything.

[1:04:25] It was great.

[1:04:26] The guy did everything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:26] I loved his earlier show, In the Heights.

[1:04:28] I found Hamilton to be even a quantum leap forward from that excellent show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:33] And it had history stuff.

[1:04:35] You love history stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:36] I love history stuff.

[1:04:37] It was kind of like.

[1:04:38] It's just called history.

[1:04:38] It had great songs.

[1:04:42] It had history.

[1:04:42] It had strong characters.

[1:04:44] It had strong emotions.

[1:04:45] As my wife said to me during intermission, I finally understand the American Revolution better than I did from school.

[1:04:51] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:51] It was a lot like Alexander Smith, the Flophouse Housecat theme song creator.

[1:04:57] He described it as epic rap battles of history.

[1:05:00] Except not bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:03] That's the thing.

[1:05:03] Oh, yeah.

[1:05:04] The problem with epic rap battles of history is it's gimmickry.

[1:05:07] And you're not really getting to the heart of who these people were.

[1:05:10] Hamilton is using modern musical styles.

[1:05:13] There's rap.

[1:05:13] There's R&B.

[1:05:14] There's also some more traditional musical type numbers and ballads and things.

[1:05:19] Using those to get at the feel of the lives of these characters.

[1:05:24] What it was like to live at that point in history for them.

[1:05:26] What it's like to be a young person coming into a new country and a new city and whatever and trying to make your place in history.

[1:05:32] What it's like to be starting a new enterprise that could go either way and is very risky.

[1:05:38] And in a world where violence is not – it's a stone's throw away because dueling is still something that's generally accepted in certain quarters of society.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:48] Well, like honor and face is so important that people will die for it basically.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:51] Yeah, exactly.

[1:05:52] Now, there were times in it where someone would be rapping and they'd be like, but the Congress doesn't think that we should pass this law.

[1:05:58] And I'd be like, okay, it's getting towards that edge where you're getting into the territory of like, you know it will really get kids interested in history if we rap about it.

[1:06:07] But it never goes over their line.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:09] Yeah, I don't feel that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:10] Partly because the songs are really good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:12] I've never really had a real connection to any stage performance before.

[1:06:17] But this show afterwards, both Elliot and I clearly had been crying.

[1:06:23] Like it clearly touched me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:25] I mean to say that about me says very little because I cry at a lot of –

[1:06:28] Commercials.

[1:06:29] Stage performances.

[1:06:29] I've cried at commercials before.

[1:06:31] Like I cry at a lot of stuff.

[1:06:32] I went to see –

[1:06:33] When you drop that hammer on your toe.

[1:06:35] Ironically, dry as a bone.

[1:06:37] The boner that I had.

[1:06:38] I have a toe hurt fetish.

[1:06:41] But – no, just my own.

[1:06:42] But I think partly because I was crying at one point because it was at the end of Act 1 they've won this revolution against all odds.

[1:06:54] And at the end of Act 2 because their lives have reached a point of reality.

[1:06:58] But like the – but it was a very like powerful and affecting show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:03] The weirdest thing for me was how – the thing that got me was the weird connection I had emotionally between the Aaron Burr character and Gollum from the animated Return of the King movie.

[1:07:14] Which I remember as a kid seeing that movie and running to my room in tears because I was so sad that this like desperate poor creature had to die.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:22] That's fair.

[1:07:23] Well, and one of the things that was great about the show is that it put you into the heads of Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton simultaneously.

[1:07:29] And you could see where both of them were coming from.

[1:07:31] Speaking for myself, as someone who has –

Dan McCoy

[1:07:33] Well, I'm really enjoying this talk between the two of you who saw this play without me.

[1:07:39] That was super great, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:40] Two things.

[1:07:41] One –

Dan McCoy

[1:07:42] Thanks for really being inclusive in this discussion.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:46] One, as someone who has just finished spending a lot of – a number of years working at the same place.

[1:07:52] And for many of those years close to the guy in charge.

[1:07:55] And is now embarking on a – whatever's the next stage in my career.

[1:08:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:08:02] There was something very –

[1:08:03] Golden vistas lie before you.

[1:08:05] Yeah.

[1:08:05] There was something very touching to me personally about the point in the show where Alexander Hamilton is leaving the service of George Washington.

[1:08:13] And is trying to kind of figure out what he is in this world now.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:17] You know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] It's around that time that Alexander Hamilton starts cheating on his wife.

[1:08:21] And that was the part where my wife turned to me and she says, I hope you don't relate to this part of the story.

[1:08:26] And I did not.

[1:08:27] And the second thing I was going to say, I don't even remember, dude.

[1:08:30] So we can stop talking about Hamilton now.

[1:08:32] I didn't break it up.

[1:08:32] Oh, can I wake up from my nap now?

[1:08:33] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:34] So I'm going to – now that we're done with Flophouse in the aisles, we're back to recommendations.

[1:08:41] My name is Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse podcast.

[1:08:43] I'm going to recommend a movie set in Brooklyn, New York starring Tom Hardy as a Brooklyn bartender called The Drop.

[1:08:53] Dark Knight Rises.

[1:08:54] It's written –

[1:08:55] It's called The Drop?

[1:08:56] Yeah, it's called The Drop.

[1:08:58] It's screenplay by Dennis Lehane, crime maestro himself.

[1:09:03] And it is a – it's also, I think, the last performance of James Gandolfini.

[1:09:09] Yeah, I believe that is true.

[1:09:10] It is a kind of a dour, kind of grim horror – or horror.

[1:09:15] I keep confusing like crime and noir with horror.

[1:09:19] Yeah, you've got a really wide definition of what's a horror movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] I mean –

[1:09:23] What's more frightening than pervasive crime, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:25] Exactly.

[1:09:26] What's more horrifying than the corruption in the system?

[1:09:28] So it's –

[1:09:29] Than the fact that we're all going to die like noted actor James Gandolfini.

[1:09:34] Horrifying.

[1:09:34] When we stare at James Gandolfini, we stare to the abyss.

[1:09:37] So it is a –

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:38] The movie, The Abyss.

[1:09:39] It is a –

[1:09:40] It's horrifying.

[1:09:41] It is a well –

[1:09:42] It has its moments.

[1:09:43] Yeah.

[1:09:43] It is a well-acted and a well – the sets are great and the accents are kind of all over the place.

[1:09:54] And there's a gorgeous puppy dog in it.

[1:09:57] And it is a slow-moving thriller that I felt really pays off in the end.

[1:10:03] Yeah.

[1:10:03] And I thought it was pretty great.

[1:10:05] Excellent.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:06] And for people who are worried, the dog's injured at the beginning of the movie but survives the film.

[1:10:10] Spoiler alert.

[1:10:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:11] Oh, I remembered what I was going to say about Hamilton.

[1:10:12] There's no John Wick.

[1:10:13] As I was saying to Stuart, one of the things I liked about it was that Thomas Jefferson is basically portrayed as being Andre 3000 from OutKast.

[1:10:21] He's this kind of like flamboyant, happy-go-lucky guy who's always like bouncing around the stage and just being snide to people.

[1:10:29] And I really enjoyed that characterization of him.

[1:10:32] I'm going to recommend –

[1:10:33] To James Madison's Big Boy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:36] All right.

[1:10:37] Wow.

[1:10:38] In-depth, like semi-modern hip-hop knowledge from Elliot.

[1:10:42] Semi-modern.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:43] Yes.

[1:10:44] In-depth from one of the most popular groups with the most popular song.

[1:10:49] And I didn't even mean Big Boy from OutKast.

[1:10:51] I meant Bob's Big Boy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:52] Oh, wow.

[1:10:53] Bob's Big Boy.

[1:10:54] In my hometown, it was Azar's.

[1:10:56] No, I meant Big Boy from OutKast.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:58] I want to recommend the movie Project NIMH, which I actually watched just today.

[1:11:04] You mean Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIMH.

[1:11:06] Yes.

[1:11:07] Which is a documentary –

[1:11:08] I guess that's the book.

[1:11:08] Mrs. Frisbee and the Secret of NIMH.

[1:11:10] It's Secret of NIMH.

[1:11:11] Secret of NIMH is the movie.

[1:11:11] Mrs. Frisbee and the Rats of NIMH is the book.

[1:11:15] It's a fucking great movie.

[1:11:16] But the movie I'm recommending has nothing to do with those.

[1:11:20] It's called Project NIMH.

[1:11:20] Then why'd you bring it up?

[1:11:21] That's Don Bluth, right?

[1:11:22] Yeah, it is.

[1:11:23] Oh, it's the Bluthiest.

[1:11:24] God damn it.

[1:11:25] I put up with your goddamn stories about goddamn Hamilton.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:29] Don Bluth was absent from the fourth season of Arrested Development.

[1:11:33] The whole Bluth family was there.

[1:11:35] He was animating.

[1:11:35] Don Bluth was nowhere to be found.

[1:11:37] Dan, continue with your movie.

[1:11:38] It's called Project NIMH.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:39] Yeah, it's a documentary about a scientific experiment where they took a chimp and tried

[1:11:47] to raise it as a child and teach it sign language to see if the chimp could learn language.

[1:11:55] But the scientific experiment was laughably fuzzy.

[1:12:01] Or at least it would be laughably fuzzy.

[1:12:03] Because there was a chimp involved.

[1:12:04] I mean, it was just...

[1:12:05] Fuzzy.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:05] It was very unscientific.

[1:12:07] It was very unscientific.

[1:12:07] And it would be funny how unscientific it was if it did not lead to a bunch of sort of

[1:12:13] unintentional cruelty to this chimp who kept being sort of wrested from various parental figures

[1:12:23] throughout its life and spending a lot of time in cages toward the end of its life.

[1:12:29] There is a sort of happy ending if you're scared about seeing an animal get mistreated.

[1:12:35] But it's kind of like the new Planet of the Apes movies if there was no ape rising.

[1:12:43] So without the most exciting part.

[1:12:45] Yeah.

[1:12:46] But it's a really good documentary.

[1:12:49] One thing that I have a bit of a reservation about is they use a lot of reenactments in

[1:12:55] it without necessarily telling you when it's a reenactment.

[1:12:58] Which I'm not super wild about.

[1:13:00] But otherwise, it's...

[1:13:01] Like Frost-Nixon.

[1:13:04] Frost-Nixon.

[1:13:04] Yeah.

[1:13:05] Entirely a reenactment.

[1:13:06] It's all apes.

[1:13:08] But it's a good documentary in the Errol Morris style.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:11] I'm looking it up now.

[1:13:12] I had never heard of it.

[1:13:13] It's directed by the same guy who made Man on Wire.

[1:13:15] Yeah.

[1:13:15] Which I liked a lot.

[1:13:17] And also Theory of Everything, which I haven't seen.

[1:13:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:20] So that's my recommendation.

[1:13:21] Project Nim.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:22] I'm going to recommend a movie.

[1:13:24] And you guys can feel free to interrupt me as I'm talking about it.

[1:13:28] Meh.

[1:13:29] Oh, going to be the big man, huh?

[1:13:31] The bigger man.

[1:13:33] I'm going to recommend a movie called Obvious Child that I enjoyed starring Jenny Slate.

[1:13:38] Directed by Jillian Robespierre.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:41] Not the Robespierre from the French Revolution.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:44] But a different person.

[1:13:45] I was assuming it was that one.

[1:13:46] Who makes movies.

[1:13:47] And it's a movie about a woman who's a stand-up comedian whose life is a little bit of a mess.

[1:13:54] And after a one-night stand, she discovers herself to be pregnant.

[1:13:59] And the dramatic stakes in the movie turned out to be relatively low.

[1:14:03] That was fine.

[1:14:04] It was the movie that I realized afterwards when I go into a Judd Apatow movie, this is the movie that I want to see.

[1:14:11] Where I feel like it's genuinely funny at times, but it's also genuinely emotional at times.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:17] You don't want to see dudes ever bro-ing down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:20] Well, I never want to see that ever.

[1:14:21] But also, the emotions and the jokes are kind of woven together into the same fabric.

[1:14:26] As opposed to just kind of like slammed next to each other one after another.

[1:14:29] It's a very sweet movie.

[1:14:31] Yeah.

[1:14:32] I thought it's a very sweet kind of low-key movie.

[1:14:34] And it continues.

[1:14:35] Low-key's in it.

[1:14:35] Yeah, low-key's in it.

[1:14:36] And it continues Gabby Hoffman's run as the friend who tells, who finds out that her friend is pregnant.

[1:14:42] As she also did in Wild.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:44] Oh, I thought you were just going to be like, friend who is a weirdo.

[1:14:48] Well, that too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:49] Gabby Hoffman is the go-to weirdo in movies and TV right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:54] In modern indie movie and TV comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:57] David Cross has a funny scene in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:00] The guy who plays Plop from the U.S. office is in it.

[1:15:04] Plop?

[1:15:06] Plop.

[1:15:06] Oh, is he one of the new guys that came at the end?

[1:15:08] He's one of the new guys.

[1:15:08] Yeah, yeah, he's in it too.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:10] Oh, right.

[1:15:10] Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[1:15:11] He gets nicknamed Plop.

[1:15:12] The guy who was like the second Jim.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:14] Yeah.

[1:15:15] Yeah.

[1:15:15] And Richard Kind is in it.

[1:15:17] So be kind, rewind to your local video store.

[1:15:21] Okay.

[1:15:21] And rent Obvious Child.

[1:15:23] Does that mean I walk backwards there?

[1:15:25] Yeah, you have to.

[1:15:26] You need to talk backwards the whole time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:28] Sure, that sounds like I'm in a weird Harry Potter universe.

[1:15:31] Like a fucking Neil Gaiman novel.

[1:15:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:35] I was just sitting here wasting my time trying to think of what Obvious Child would be backwards.

[1:15:40] I was like, del-ich.

[1:15:43] Delicious Vivo.

[1:15:44] S-V-I-L-C-O.

[1:15:48] Anyway.

[1:15:50] Delicious Vivo.

[1:15:51] Yeah.

[1:15:53] So three great recommendations that go great together.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:56] Great guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:57] Yeah, watch them all back to back and tell us whether they come.

[1:16:00] Possibly a trilogy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:01] The drop, Project Nim, and Obvious Child are playing at nowhere at the same time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:07] They're a terrible triple feature.

[1:16:10] Well, one has a puppy.

[1:16:11] One has a monkey.

[1:16:12] And one has a fetus, I'm assuming.

[1:16:15] There you go.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:16] That's the connection.

[1:16:17] The three animal groups.

[1:16:18] Small living things.

[1:16:22] It's a really, really loose connection.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:24] Now that sounds like the title of an indie movie about a pet shop.

[1:16:27] Small living things.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:29] Or a really bad Japanese translation of the Talking Heads album, Little Creatures.

[1:16:34] Yeah.

[1:16:37] But this has been The Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:41] The Japanese translation is also like, stay there, it's bright.

[1:16:50] And also, I'm afraid of these tones.

[1:16:58] Yeah.

[1:16:59] Yeah.

[1:16:59] Oh, Japan.

[1:17:00] Your language is very different from ours.

[1:17:01] And yet you have no words for turtle soup.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:06] Callback.

[1:17:07] But this is a podcast.

[1:17:09] And for it, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:12] Hey, guys.

[1:17:13] This is a podcast.

[1:17:14] And I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:16] Look, I'm not going to tell you if it's a podcast or not.

[1:17:18] You live your own life and make up your own mind.

[1:17:20] But I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:17:22] Deal with it.

[1:17:23] Good night, everyone.

[1:17:23] Choose life.

[1:17:24] Deal with life.

[1:17:25] Choose good night.

[1:17:32] In the south of Mad France.

[1:17:33] Dan, how are our levels?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:34] How are we checking out?

[1:17:35] The levels look good.

[1:17:36] Check our levels.

[1:17:37] I'm looking at the waveforms and your levels look fantastic.

[1:17:40] Okay.

[1:17:41] How are our levels doing?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:43] Love-wise, you're not good at that.

[1:17:45] Sorry to tell you.

[1:17:46] I mean, I'm married and in love and we have a baby who loves us.

[1:17:50] And I love him.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:51] Does your baby really love you?

[1:17:52] Or does he just see you as a source of food and shelter?

[1:17:56] That's love.

[1:17:57] Right there.

[1:17:58] Okay.

[1:17:59] Fair enough.

[1:18:02] The guy's already.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:03] I mean, he also sees me as a source of belly fart kisses.

[1:18:07] So that's love, right?

[1:18:08] And depoopening.

[1:18:09] And yeah, and I clean up his poop.

[1:18:10] Yeah.

[1:18:11] The depoopening.

[1:18:15] Infant 2.

[1:18:17] Starring Lance Henriksen as infant.

[1:18:20] Frank infant.

[1:18:21] Special agent.

[1:18:22] Undercover as a baby.

[1:18:23] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:23] I guess he's due.

[1:18:24] You know, he's due for a career reinvention.

[1:18:27] Lance Henriksen?

[1:18:28] He's off making pots somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:30] Making pots.

[1:18:31] Making pots somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:34] Uh, all right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:35] So just hammering out metal pots, I assume.

[1:18:37] He does ceramics.

[1:18:38] Or is he making time with any pots?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:41] Maximumfun.org.

[1:18:43] Comedy and culture.

[1:18:44] Artist owned.

[1:18:45] Listener supported.

[1:18:48] Welcome to the Lady to Lady show.

[1:18:50] Behind door number one, we have fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart,

[1:18:55] Dretta, and more.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:57] Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games like Would You Rather

[1:19:01] and Never Have I Ever, the kind of games that remind you of being a kid.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:05] Door number three brings you fresh hot episodes every Wednesday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:09] You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

[1:19:12] Now pick a door.

[1:19:13] Just kidding.

[1:19:13] They're not real because we're a podcast.

[1:19:16] You're all winners.

[1:19:17] And we didn't really think this through.

[1:19:19] Lady to Lady.

[1:19:26] .

Ep. #185 - Grace of Monaco

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