Ep. #186 - Guardian of the Highlands

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we watched Guardian of the Highlands.

[0:06] Starring Chris Pratt.

[0:08] No.

[0:08] And the Owls of Cahool.

[0:10] Oh boy.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:42] Did you become Dracula at the end of that?

[0:43] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:46] And I'm Dracula.

[0:49] That's the count.

[0:51] Okay, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] I am Ellie Kaelin, and I'm appalled by your lack of vampire identification skills.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] We haven't been together for a while, so if we seem a little rusty, that's why.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] No longer than usual time between ten minutes.

[1:05] Yeah, I was out of town for a while.

[1:08] Stuart, you were in the space program for a little bit.

[1:11] So you've actually aged far less than us in that time.

[1:13] We're old men now, but you're still a baby.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15] Yep, I went through one of those black holes.

[1:18] Disney's the black holes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] You ended up in hell, right?

[1:21] I went directly into hell.

[1:22] You went through the event horizon into sunshine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25] I didn't need my eyes, so I just threw them out the window,

[1:27] carved a bunch of runes on my skin.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] Meanwhile, I was in jail wrongfully accused of murdering Stuart,

[1:35] who was missing all that time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Yeah, but I'm glad that Stuart arrived.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] But it was an earthbound jail, so no space jail jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] Yeah, yeah, but Stuart arrived just in time to clear your name

[1:43] as you were being sentenced to death by blowjob.

[1:47] Oh.

[1:48] One of the better ways to go.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] Oh.

[1:52] So this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie.

[1:55] And then we talk about it.

[1:56] And then we talk about it.

[1:58] And then what do we do?

[1:58] And then we go home.

[2:00] But then what?

[2:02] I'm probably going to go to bed.

[2:04] And then?

[2:05] I'll wake up.

[2:06] And then?

[2:06] Go to work.

[2:07] And then?

[2:09] After a few days.

[2:10] Life continues.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11] At some point, people listen to it.

[2:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:14] Mm-hmm.

[2:14] And then they tell us what we got wrong.

[2:16] Your own child is not even at this point where they can be this irritating to you.

[2:20] I'm practicing.

[2:20] Oh, I get it.

[2:21] And you are wrong.

[2:22] At times, he can be very irritating.

[2:24] Mm-hmm.

[2:25] So Sammy, grown-up Sammy, I hope you enjoyed that insight into what you did to your father.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] By the time Sammy grows up, there's going to be some kind of EMP event

[2:34] and all electronic media will have been erased.

[2:37] He'll just be living based off what the Sacred Scrolls say.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] The Sacred Scrolls will actually be old comic books.

[2:42] Mm-hmm.

[2:44] So, oh, it's a real catacal for Leibowitz situation then.

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] Yeah, yeah.

[2:48] It's a comical for Leibowitz.

[2:49] Also the name of my Israel comedy benefit, Comical for Leibowitz.

[2:54] We're raising money for...

[2:56] Well, Leibowitz is...

[2:58] He's not doing so well.

[3:00] So we're raising some money for him in his hometown of Leibowitzville.

[3:04] So, oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[3:06] What do we do on this podcast?

[3:07] Oh, yeah.

[3:07] We talked about that already.

[3:08] But this is...

[3:08] And then what did we do?

[3:09] But also...

[3:11] This is one of the best loved months in the Flophouse calendar.

[3:16] I don't even think it's the third best loved month.

Stuart Wellington

[3:17] Crack open your advent calendar.

[3:19] It's small timber.

[3:20] Dig into small timber and out pops...

Dan McCoy

[3:24] The smallest candy of the year.

[3:26] Where we watch movies...

[3:27] Smallvember.

[3:28] It's smallvember.

[3:29] All right.

[3:29] We watch movies that are smaller than movies that we normally watch.

[3:33] In size, no.

[3:34] Well, this one...

[3:35] Yeah, this one is a short movie.

[3:36] 76 minutes.

[3:37] That's true.

[3:38] And we watch it on a phone.

[3:41] Yeah.

[3:42] Which was projected...

Elliott Kalan

[3:43] Small movie, big action is what it's in.

[3:44] It was projected on a thimble.

[3:47] By a tiny louse who was the projectionist.

[3:53] I tried that louse.

[3:55] And then he betrayed you.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] Yeah.

[3:57] His name was Klaus.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] Klaus the louse and Dan McCoy in Betrayal.

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Rated R.

[4:06] 13.

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:08] That's something cute taking a weird and disgusting term.

[4:11] Much like Guardians of the Highlands.

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:14] Well, tell us a little bit about this movie.

[4:15] That is a great segue.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] What made you want to choose it for Smallvember when we look at lower budget films that are

[4:20] maybe a little smaller and more indie than we usually look at?

Stuart Wellington

[4:22] And this one stars a huge star.

[4:24] I'm talking about Sir Alan Cumming.

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] Alan Cumming is not a knight as far as I know.

Stuart Wellington

[4:29] He hasn't been knighted for being Nightcrawler?

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] No.

[4:33] That would be ironic.

[4:35] They would give a great headline which is either Nightcrawler knighted or just K Nightcrawler.

[4:40] That would be the New York Post headline if they bothered to cover it.

Dan McCoy

[4:44] Oh, why?

[4:45] The Post is covering the knighting, the honorable titles of Great Britain.

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] Well, here's the thing.

[4:55] It stars an actual knight, Sir Sean Connery, as he is billed on the poster and in the credits,

[5:02] Sir Sean Connery.

[5:04] Wait, you saw a poster for this movie?

[5:06] Well, I mean in the menu online for it.

[5:08] How else are you going to know who the guy is?

[5:10] Without his title, he's just some dude named Sean Connery.

[5:13] There's no one famous named that.

[5:14] Only Sir Sean Connery is famous.

Stuart Wellington

[5:16] Although if anyone finds a poster for this movie, you should mail it to the flop.

[5:20] Because we want it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] And Alan Cumming is in the movie.

[5:23] And otherwise it's a lot of Scottish people.

[5:24] Playing a gay goat.

[5:26] Well.

[5:27] He's not gay so much as he's just sassy.

Stuart Wellington

[5:29] And he's not a goat so much as a weird goat man hybrid.

Elliott Kalan

[5:32] He has human hands and he walks on his hind legs.

Stuart Wellington

[5:35] And he wears a little Bruce Lee suit.

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] As Stuart mentioned while we were watching it, it's like some kind of satyr or pan type.

[5:43] Sure.

[5:44] And you expect him to just start raping wood nymphs at any moment.

[5:47] But he doesn't.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] No.

[5:48] I mean we don't see any wood nymphs.

[5:50] So we don't know whether if you saw one it might happen.

[5:53] That's a good point.

[5:53] And I don't know.

[5:53] Dan raises a good point.

[5:54] You have to assume he's doing it off camera.

Stuart Wellington

[5:55] Using the animation style of this movie, the design scheme, I have no idea how to recognize what a wood nymph looks like.

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] I'll tell you how.

[6:03] Because this was an animated movie.

[6:05] The animation is what?

[6:07] Demo level?

[6:08] Yeah.

[6:09] Explain that.

[6:12] It looks like the animation that comes with the software.

Dan McCoy

[6:15] It's somewhere slightly above Food Fight and slightly below that Dire Straits video.

Elliott Kalan

[6:22] I mean which again from the time was cutting edge.

[6:24] Now it's dated.

[6:25] But you would know that it's a wood nymph because like most of the women in the movie, they would have enormous bouncing breasts that are commented upon later on in the film and are constantly in motion as the characters walk.

Stuart Wellington

[6:38] I've been playing a lot of this computer game called Mount Your Friends where men in tiny little swimwear basically climb each other.

[6:46] And the most notable thing about the game is that it has physics effects on big floppy penises.

[6:52] And I feel like you can get the same result by watching Guardians of the Highlands.

[6:57] Oh yeah, yeah.

[6:58] The flopping of the bosoms.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Somebody was working on the...

[7:01] The floppiest bosoms in the biz.

[7:03] It's a rave's Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[7:06] About, I don't know, the Crazy Horse Cabaret.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] About a children's movie.

[7:13] Somebody was working just on the mathematics for the physics model of how the boobs would bounce whenever these characters walked around.

[7:22] But Dan, what's this movie about?

[7:24] Maybe we should talk about that.

[7:25] Because what it's about is saving Scotland's life forms.

[7:29] Life forms.

[7:32] Yeah.

[7:33] Saving Scotland's fauna from big government.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] I think the fact that the normally articulate Elliot is finding himself tongue-tied shows how...

[7:45] This movie threw me for a loop.

Stuart Wellington

[7:48] Well, it's a brisk 76 minutes.

[7:52] And yet they managed...

[7:53] And the first 10 minutes are all James Bond-themed opening credits.

[7:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] They somehow managed to pack more and less plot into this movie at the same time than many other movies that we've seen.

[8:06] But yeah, let's go through it.

[8:07] So it starts with some James Bond-style opening credits because, of course...

[8:10] Sung by Shirley Bassey.

[8:11] Dame Shirley Bassey.

[8:12] Dame Shirley Bassey.

[8:12] She's credited.

Dan McCoy

[8:13] Who sang the gold finger.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:17] That's why all the weird people were gold.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] That's how the original song went.

[8:22] That gold, gold finger.

[8:24] What a dead ringer.

[8:26] Scooby-dee-bop-ba-ba.

[8:28] Scooby-dee-bop.

[8:28] Watch out for his stinger.

[8:30] That gold, gold finger.

[8:31] I said, Dame Shirley, you're not a dame yet.

[8:35] We love that you're singing it, but we don't love the sound of it.

[8:40] And she was like, but I haven't even gotten to the rap breakdown part.

[8:43] They said, we don't know what that is.

[8:44] It's the early 60s.

Dan McCoy

[8:45] We like that it's about gold.

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] Because it was a bunch of, what, gnomes or dwarves that were doing this?

[8:55] We like, okay, as mythological creatures who collect gold, we like that the song is about gold.

Dan McCoy

[9:01] As Rumpelstiltskin, I love that it's about gold.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] As the executive producer of the film Smog the Dragon, I love that gold is the main topic.

[9:09] Here's my other problem, though.

[9:10] That it doesn't really get across the tone we're going for, which is more of sexy intrigue,

[9:15] or really mention what Goldfinger does.

[9:17] He's not actually gold.

[9:19] And she's like, you've got to show me this movie before I can write a song about it.

[9:23] All you did was tell me the title.

[9:25] I'm not Ray Parker Jr.

[9:27] I'm not a genius.

[9:28] And they were like, who's that?

[9:29] And she goes, trust me, I'm from the future.

[9:31] You're going to like what you get.

[9:33] Yeah.

[9:35] Anyway, so there's this James Bond style parody.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] So there's a period of time where Ray Parker Jr. wrote every single movie theme, right?

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] Well, all I know about is Ghostbusters.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] But he went by the name Kenny Loggins.

[9:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:49] What's weird also is he didn't...

[9:50] Kenny Loggins, uh, Loggins.

[9:52] It's totally...

[9:53] Kenny's Loggins.

Elliott Kalan

[9:54] His login name is Kenny and his password is Loggins.

[10:00] Not Loggins.

[10:01] That'd be too easy.

[10:02] Here's the thing about Kenny Loggins.

[10:04] One, you move the S and that's a sentence.

[10:07] Kenny Loggins.

[10:10] He's just out there logging.

[10:11] Yeah.

[10:12] So to continue, the movie starts with this James Bond title parody, uh, which includes

[10:17] the female characters from the movie and the goat characters from the movie all walking

[10:21] around sexy, like in silhouette.

[10:23] Yeah.

[10:23] Like you would in a James Bond opening from the 60s.

[10:26] Or the 70s or the 80s, I guess.

[10:28] Or the 90s.

[10:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] Uh, they went back to it, yeah.

[10:31] For a while they, like...

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] I guess for a while they didn't, but for the Pierce Brosnan ones.

Dan McCoy

[10:34] Yeah, when they were very, like, consciously being like, oh, Bond is a sexist relic, so

[10:41] we don't do the sexist opening credits.

[10:43] And now they're like, oh, the sexist opening credits are a kitschy throwback.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Yeah, like when they had all those nude women using sledgehammers to smash hammer and

[10:50] sickles.

[10:51] Is that a thing that happened?

[10:52] That was either in GoldenEye...

[10:54] That was in GoldenEye, wasn't it?

Stuart Wellington

[10:55] I think he's right, but I could be totally wrong.

[10:57] Write in when you find out that we're wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Boing!

[11:00] But anyway, so, uh, that's the opening credits.

[11:02] Let's stop talking about that and move on to the movie, which opens with a night flyover

[11:07] shot of the Highlands of Scotland.

[11:09] Beautiful.

[11:10] Beautiful.

[11:10] Breathtaking.

[11:11] Oh, they really captured the sheer majesty and beauty of it.

[11:14] Billy Connolly from Head of the Class is talking to us about something.

[11:17] I don't know.

[11:18] We don't know for sure it's Billy Connolly.

[11:19] It sounds like he's having a stroke.

[11:20] It sure sounds like Billy Connolly is in a hospital bed, and his surgery is being

[11:26] done on him, and they rush the tape recorder in.

[11:27] Yeah, that's right.

[11:28] And this is the dream he had before he died.

Stuart Wellington

[11:31] We need to record this.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] This movie would make so much more sense.

[11:36] It was revealed at the end that Billy Connolly was dreaming it in his last of moments before

Dan McCoy

[11:41] the sweet release of death.

[11:42] It says, Sir Billy Connolly passed away moments later.

[11:46] And the audience leaves the theater thinking, was he a sir?

[11:51] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] There's a voiceover talking about how, oh, back in the Highlands they had a great time.

[11:58] Lots of adventures.

[11:59] They wore something out.

[12:00] It's not very clear.

[12:01] We never hear this voice again.

[12:02] Yeah.

[12:03] And I don't remember what.

[12:04] I'm not sure what character it's supposed to be.

[12:06] I assume it's supposed to be Billy the veterinarian's grandson reflecting back, but I'm not sure.

[12:11] Doesn't matter.

[12:12] Later on in the movie, his son's name is Billy too?

[12:15] His grandson's name?

[12:15] Billy too.

[12:16] The second Billy.

[12:17] That makes sense.

[12:18] That's how people name people, right?

[12:19] Could be William II.

[12:20] That's, but I'm not sure who the character's name is for.

[12:24] I know Billy was the name of.

[12:26] Sean Connery's character.

[12:27] Sir Sean Connery.

[12:28] Thank you.

[12:29] Sir Billy.

[12:30] Which is what Billy Crystal is called.

Dan McCoy

[12:32] By who?

[12:33] In my heart he is.

[12:35] 700 Sundays of laughs.

[12:38] No, it's a sad show.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] What?

[12:40] It's about his relationship with his father.

Dan McCoy

[12:44] Mr. Saturday Night of laughs.

Elliott Kalan

[12:46] 700 Sontags.

[12:48] His story, his play about when he cloned Susan Sontag.

[12:53] A terrifying dystopian nightmare.

[12:55] Oh yeah.

[12:56] They're always talking about illness as a metaphor.

[12:59] But anyway, so we got, we suddenly it's a night.

[13:03] We're flashed back, I guess.

[13:05] After that voiceover, forget it.

[13:06] It doesn't matter.

[13:08] Scotland, after the European Union, I guess tried to get them to reintroduce beavers to their natural habitats.

[13:14] After that beavers were wiped out 400 years before, is what they say.

[13:18] Yep.

[13:19] The police are rounding up those beavers to send them away in orange Guantanamo jumpsuits.

[13:24] Because Scotland has come to its senses and it will not be reintroducing beavers.

[13:28] And these two policemen could not be happier about it.

[13:31] They hate beavers.

[13:32] And they refer to smelly beavers.

[13:34] Yeah.

[13:34] And I think damp beavers or something.

[13:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] Yeah.

[13:38] It's hard to tell whether like the repeated saying, like, I'm going to get that smelly beaver is a intentional joke or whether they just are Scottish.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] Is this a National Lampoon's disco beaver from outer space scenario?

[13:51] Or is this just like, that's not a word that they use there.

[13:54] Scottish listeners, write it.

[13:56] Yeah.

[13:56] Is it like fanny?

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] Yeah.

[13:58] Fanny means something different there.

[14:00] Yeah.

[14:00] That's what it means here.

[14:01] What?

Elliott Kalan

[14:01] Like a type of pie?

Stuart Wellington

[14:02] Yeah.

[14:03] It means like a type of pie.

[14:04] Yeah.

[14:04] But it does.

[14:05] Stuffed full of beaver meat.

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] The weird thing is, vagina means penis over there.

[14:09] That's crazy.

[14:10] And penis means soda pop.

[14:12] It's like dog tooth.

[14:13] But the.

[14:14] It's a real dog tooth situation.

Dan McCoy

[14:17] But the crazy Javert-like character is like, oh, I'm going to slam that beaver so hard.

[14:22] I'm going to slam that beaver so hard and long when I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] It never quite gets to that point.

[14:26] I've got something hard for that beaver.

[14:28] A hard sentence in jail.

[14:29] But it never quite gets that much.

[14:31] But these two policemen, they hate beavers.

[14:33] They throw them in a truck.

[14:34] They're driving down a perilous mountain passage.

[14:37] Sure.

[14:38] And an overweight rabbit in a pink jumpsuit appears seemingly out of nowhere as it materialized

[14:46] by the plot gods.

[14:47] And the truck driver, who wasn't paying attention, he sees the rabbit and swerves.

Dan McCoy

[14:50] He has some kind of a candy bar emergency.

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] Yeah.

[14:53] He's trying to get a candy bar out of a wrapper.

[14:55] And it's really not since Will Arnett crashed a truck because he was looking at Megan

[15:00] Fox's butt in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as the character had a dumber reason for crashing

[15:04] a truck.

[15:05] But the truck crashes.

[15:06] All the beavers, their crates fall out the back.

[15:10] Almost all of them are killed.

[15:12] And we know that for sure because the police officer goes down and picks up a dead body

[15:16] and throws it into a crate.

[15:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:18] This is the first indication that this is going to be the saddest animated movie.

[15:22] This is.

Elliott Kalan

[15:23] There were times in this movie, yeah, we were talking about it was like someone tried to

[15:26] outdo Grave of the Fireflies.

[15:28] Plague Dogs.

[15:29] The Plague Dogs.

[15:30] Watership Down.

[15:31] Or like, is it Where the Wind Blows or When the Wind Blows?

[15:35] Yeah, When the Wind Blows.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] When the Wind Blows.

[15:36] Like.

[15:36] The Raymond Briggs nuclear movie, the British movie.

[15:41] Yeah.

[15:41] About the elderly couple.

[15:42] Oh my God.

[15:43] Oh my God.

[15:44] Radiation poisoning.

Stuart Wellington

[15:46] That's like a nuclear version of the snowman where that fucking snowman gets built, hangs

[15:51] out with the kid, and then he just melts.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] I think it's the same author.

[15:53] Same guy.

[15:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:54] Yeah.

[15:54] Sad as shit, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[15:55] He was all about teaching kids about death.

[15:57] Yeah.

[15:58] He, so, it's like there were times in the movie where I'm like, can I just watch an old British

[16:02] couple have their teeth fall out from radiation and get slowly weaker because of the mistakes

[16:07] made by the state, but, not the comedy group, the state.

[16:11] The biggest mistake, of course, was signing with CBS.

Dan McCoy

[16:13] But, uh, the, uh.

[16:15] It turned out for them in the end.

Elliott Kalan

[16:16] Most of them.

[16:17] Uh, I mean, in that many of them were so talented they had other careers, but.

[16:20] Yeah, there you go.

Dan McCoy

[16:23] Michael Showalter looks great.

[16:24] Sure.

[16:27] Am I supposed to, I don't endorse Stuart's sarcastic dissing of Michael Showalter.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] I'm going to stay out of it.

[16:35] Uh, so here's what happens.

[16:37] One beaver escapes.

[16:38] Her name is Bessie Boo or something like that.

[16:41] Yeah.

[16:41] Because when you think, when you think Bessie, what animal do you think?

[16:44] A beaver, of course.

[16:46] Not a cow.

[16:47] The only animal named Bessie, but whatever.

[16:50] That beaver escapes and is taken into refuge by the rabbit who caused the accident.

[16:55] Flash forward, what, like five years or something?

[16:58] Yeah.

[16:59] At least.

[17:00] And, at least, probably a hundred years.

Dan McCoy

[17:02] There's like a digital readout on the screen that says, like, all of the beavers were taken

[17:07] out of the country, but one beaver still remains.

[17:10] And it's like, but it also is like 10.08 a.m.

Elliott Kalan

[17:13] Yeah.

[17:13] Like beaver time or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] Yeah, there's enough facts that make it out like this is a real thing that happened.

[17:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:19] And kids are, will get confused.

[17:21] They'll wonder if this is a true story.

[17:23] Of course it is.

Dan McCoy

[17:24] This declassified information finally came out.

[17:26] Yeah.

[17:27] Edward Snowden found it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:28] Project Beaver Book was finally released by WikiLeaks.

[17:31] Yeah.

[17:31] And it turns out it was this story.

[17:34] So, we're in the town of something or other.

[17:36] I can't remember the name of the town, and this movie has no Wikipedia entry, so I can't

[17:39] look it up.

[17:39] And it's a little village in the high islands of Scotland.

[17:42] Small timber indeed.

[17:44] Small-vember.

[17:45] It's called Small-vember September.

[17:47] By me.

[17:49] You can call it Small-temper if you want.

Dan McCoy

[17:51] I'm sorry, Dan.

[17:51] I'm being a little too harsh.

[17:52] Oh, it's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[17:53] It's a small wonder that you put up with me.

Dan McCoy

[17:55] Elliot reached out and tenderly touched the back of my hand for the listeners at home.

[18:00] With my fingers.

[18:01] And now he's unbuttoning his pants.

[18:02] Elliot!

[18:03] I use a button fly.

[18:04] Is that what shocked you?

[18:05] Yes.

[18:05] Yeah, yeah.

[18:06] I find a zipper fly much more.

[18:09] Oh, I'm wearing one myself.

[18:10] A button fly?

[18:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] It's not very convenient.

[18:12] What are those?

[18:12] Are those?

[18:13] Wait, are those?

[18:13] It's incredibly inconvenient.

[18:14] If you have to pee, I do not recommend a button fly.

[18:17] I might have to pee in five minutes.

[18:18] Let me get started.

Stuart Wellington

[18:20] Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[18:22] I mean, they're covered in dust from Bugles.

Elliott Kalan

[18:26] Oh, good.

[18:27] With your British Knight sneakers?

[18:29] Yeah.

[18:30] Speaking of British Knights, or Scottish Knights, rather, Sean Connery's in this movie.

[18:34] But we haven't gotten to them yet.

Dan McCoy

[18:36] Scottish Knights sounds like their version of silk stockings.

[18:41] It's like a sexy man and woman both wearing kilts.

Elliott Kalan

[18:44] I mean, for the woman, it's just a skirt.

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:47] On the, it wouldn't be on the USA, because that's American shows.

[18:52] Yeah.

[18:52] That would be the...

Stuart Wellington

[18:53] I mean, characters are welcome there.

[18:55] Now they are.

[18:55] In Scottish Knights, there's no characters.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] Back then, characters were not welcome.

[18:59] We got another dead body.

[19:02] Another one killed with too much sex.

[19:05] Anyway.

[19:06] Don't have the six factory.

[19:07] Now, I never saw silk stockings, so I assume that was every episode was somebody killed with sex.

Dan McCoy

[19:11] Oh, definitely.

[19:12] That's what I...

[19:12] What about Pacific Blue?

[19:14] Or like at the sexy saxophone music store.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Somebody was murdered with a sexy saxophone.

[19:22] It was found under this nightlight, this lamppost.

Dan McCoy

[19:33] That's right.

[19:34] They were found nude with sparks flying around.

[19:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:37] The only evidence is this discarded trench coat.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] It never rains around here, but it's always kind of damp in the air.

[19:44] Everyone's always a little sweaty.

[19:48] Anyway.

[19:48] Moisten.

[19:50] So, silk stockings.

[19:51] Yeah.

[19:51] I guess it's on DVD.

[19:52] Go check it out.

[19:53] Yeah.

[19:54] On Blu-ray.

[19:55] It's probably on YouTube.

[19:56] So, that beaver escaped.

[19:58] Flash forward to this village where...

[20:01] I'm trying to remember which of the things that does that were totally unrelated.

[20:03] We're introduced to a flying duck character.

Stuart Wellington

[20:06] Who is the new narrator.

Elliott Kalan

[20:08] A real...

[20:09] Southern...

[20:10] From U.S. South.

[20:12] You know, like from the...

[20:12] Yeah.

[20:13] A lady launch pad.

[20:14] Yes.

[20:15] Yeah, kind of lady launch pad.

[20:16] Bad S.

[20:17] Launch packs.

[20:19] She's a duck who's flying a plane who turns the camera and explains to us that she took

[20:24] a wrong turn or somebody gave her wrong directions and she's in Scotland when she's supposed to

[20:28] be in Florida enjoying her vacation.

[20:29] She talks about this for a while.

[20:32] She's super sassy, but she already knows everyone in town.

[20:35] Like, she's made this mistake before.

[20:36] Her name's Vicky.

[20:37] She's a duck.

[20:38] And this is when my son, who loves ducks, would love this movie, but not the parts where

[20:44] she's not in it.

[20:45] He wouldn't like that.

Dan McCoy

[20:46] Now, does he love ducks enough that he's now...

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] That he wrote a screenplay called Must Love Ducks?

[20:50] Yes.

[20:52] I'm just a man.

[20:52] John Cusack is attached to not star in it.

Dan McCoy

[20:55] Now, I just wonder at what point children are able to recognize, like, oh, that thing

[21:00] on the screen that looks like a cartoon duck is a duck.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] Oh, certainly.

[21:04] Yeah.

[21:05] He's 20 months old, so he can recognize...

[21:07] If you show me an illustration of a duck, he knows it's a duck.

Stuart Wellington

[21:09] Yeah.

[21:10] So if you put, like, I don't know, like a fake bill on and stuck, like, some feather,

[21:14] like a feather duster on your butt, like...

[21:16] And then, like, right just to do some more fun.

Dan McCoy

[21:18] Sort of a horrible hop frog situation.

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] Wait, so why am I covered in tar and burning at the end of this role play I'm doing with

[21:27] my son?

Dan McCoy

[21:29] Because your wife has mistaken you for some sort of horrible interloper, and...

[21:33] Oh, I see.

[21:34] That makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[21:34] It's like the costume that Fox Robin Hood wears when he dresses up like a stork.

Dan McCoy

[21:38] Yeah, that guy is a fox.

[21:40] Yeah.

[21:40] I mean...

[21:41] I mean, those were, like...

[21:42] We can agree that that's where furries came from, right?

[21:45] Yeah.

[21:45] Like, that's the cutest and the most handsome, like, animated animals.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] I think it was when, after they did that movie, that Disney was like, we gotta back the fuck

[21:53] up.

Dan McCoy

[21:53] Yeah.

[21:54] We went too far.

[21:55] Robin Hood and Maid Marian are too sexy.

[21:58] We're gonna screw up a lot of kids.

Elliott Kalan

[22:01] From now on, we're just doing movies like Home on the Range, where the animals are not sexy

[22:05] at all.

Dan McCoy

[22:06] We have anthropomorphized them too much.

Elliott Kalan

[22:08] If we're doing any sexy characters, they better be human beings, or at least human from

[22:12] the waist up with, like, a fish's tail underneath.

[22:15] Because that's sexier than human legs.

[22:17] Am I right, guys?

[22:18] Guys, where are you going?

[22:19] I'm Michael Eisner.

[22:20] You can't just walk out of my office.

[22:22] Mermaids are sexier than people.

Dan McCoy

[22:24] Yeah, that's what happened to Michael Eisner.

[22:26] Yeah.

[22:27] That's how he got ousted.

Stuart Wellington

[22:28] That's when Don Bluth got banished to Balto Land.

Elliott Kalan

[22:32] To Balto Land.

[22:33] Well, the problem was he kept pushing that pebble in the penguin script on everybody, and they

[22:37] just couldn't take it anymore.

Dan McCoy

[22:39] My brother always pointed out that the distinguishing characteristic of a Don Bluth animated character

[22:43] was the amount that the butts would waggle.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] Just like a lot of butt wagging.

[22:49] I've never noticed that.

[22:50] That's true.

[22:50] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:50] That's a family trait of the McCoys, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] That Don DeLuise cat in American Tail really goes crazy with his butt.

[22:56] Yeah.

[22:56] That was Don Bluth, right?

Dan McCoy

[22:58] Yeah, that was Don Bluth.

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] He had an interest in Jewish tales, right?

[23:03] Well, in American Tail.

Dan McCoy

[23:05] No, sure.

[23:06] I mean, I just didn't know beyond that there was other.

[23:08] Well, that Nome and Norma, the troll in Central Park or whatever, probably.

[23:11] You assume.

Elliott Kalan

[23:12] And it's like how you can date a certain period for Chuck Jones' work when all the characters

[23:18] got those stupid fucking eyelashes.

[23:20] Oh, man.

[23:20] And they all look...

Dan McCoy

[23:21] The guy got wrinkled around their faces whenever they moved any muscle in their face.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] It's like Chuck Jones made these brilliant cartoons for Warner Brothers and didn't get

[23:29] rich off them, and then saw that Walt Disney got rich with cute characters, and he was

[23:32] like, well, fuck you, America.

[23:33] I'll give you the cutest fucking characters ever.

[23:35] Everyone's going to have fucking doe eyes.

Dan McCoy

[23:37] And that worked precisely once, which is The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] Yeah, that's true.

[23:43] There it looks good.

[23:44] They never caught the guy.

[23:45] No.

[23:46] Christmas remains missing to this day.

[23:48] Every now and then they'll dig up the Meadowlands to see if the body was buried there

[23:52] of Christmas.

[23:54] What have I been celebrating all these years?

[23:56] What you've been celebrating is actually Christmas, which is a substitute created by the U.S.

[24:00] government to replace Christmas.

[24:02] Oh.

[24:03] What did they teach you in AP U.S.

[24:04] history?

Stuart Wellington

[24:05] Still tastes pretty good.

[24:06] You were in AP U.S.

[24:07] history?

[24:08] Yep.

[24:09] All penis.

Elliott Kalan

[24:11] It was all the history of Lyndon Johnson, Andrew Johnson.

[24:15] Yeah.

[24:18] John Thomas Jefferson.

[24:20] Sure.

[24:22] Woodrow Wilson.

[24:24] Warren G.

Elliott Kalan

[24:24] Hard-ing.

Dan McCoy

[24:25] Okay.

[24:25] Warren G.

[24:26] Hard-on, I guess I should have just said.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] Abraham Lincoln Log.

Dan McCoy

[24:30] Yeah, I'm not going to be able to edit.

[24:31] Michael Moorcock.

Elliott Kalan

[24:33] That's not a president.

[24:36] He's an English writer of books that sound better in description than when you read them.

[24:41] That's what he does.

[24:42] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[24:44] Dick Nixon.

Elliott Kalan

[24:47] Yeah.

[24:47] Right?

[24:47] Okay.

[24:47] Yeah, we're still doing this, I guess.

[24:49] I guess if you're going to pick up the moldy peaches that fell off the tree, sure.

[24:52] Go ahead.

[24:54] Anyway, so we're like eight minutes into this movie.

[24:58] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[24:58] So this duck is flying around.

[25:00] There's no plot to this film, though.

[25:00] And she narrates.

[25:01] We leave the duck and we see this town where there's some kids who deliver milk by hurling

[25:06] cartons of it at people's stomachs through their windows.

[25:08] That never comes up again.

[25:10] Then we're introduced to a big-bosomed New Yorker who lives in this little town who wants

[25:16] to buy cakes from a...

[25:18] Some kind of pies.

[25:19] Some kind of pies.

[25:20] Fat ones.

[25:20] From a store.

[25:21] And she says, yeah, she says, get me, hold on, save me three fat ones with a PH.

[25:24] And then rides away on her American flag moped.

[25:27] She comes up later.

[25:28] So does the other guy, but barely.

[25:30] Then we're introduced to the hero of the film.

[25:32] Mm-hmm.

[25:32] Sir Billy, a veterinarian, I guess.

[25:35] Yeah.

[25:36] Who is stylishly clad in overalls, a yellow shirt, and a yellow tie.

[25:41] The yellow tie that's tucked into the overalls.

Stuart Wellington

[25:44] Texture his tie and shirt are the exact same material, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[25:48] I mean, that's...

[25:49] He got them made from the same place.

[25:50] He must have bought a bolt of fabric and he just decided to make a whole outfit of it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:54] How expensive would it have been to change the color of one of those two things?

[25:59] Do they just have a ton of extra yellow, I don't know, computer ink?

[26:03] What are they doing?

Dan McCoy

[26:04] That extra $10 would have broken the bank of his movie.

[26:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] And he has a mustache, which appears to be a length of PVC tubing that he has stuck under his nose.

Stuart Wellington

[26:16] Except it moves when his lips move in a weird that follows the curvature of his lips in a way that mustaches don't work.

[26:23] Yeah, it's a little steel-wool-y.

Elliott Kalan

[26:25] It's like the boobs.

[26:26] It's one of those weird instances where it's like, no, no, no, put less effort into the animation here.

[26:30] That doesn't need to move as much as it's actually moving.

[26:33] It would look realer if it moved less.

[26:35] But anyway, he has this goat man sidekick, played by Alan Cumming, who seems to, much like Ren in Ren and Stimpy cartoons, change size from scene to scene.

[26:44] Like how Ren would be the size of Stimpy, but then he'd get to a point where he could fit inside Stimpy's mouth.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:49] Now, an interesting...

Dan McCoy

[26:50] Did we cover that he's dressed like Uma Thurman and Kill Bill?

[26:53] Was that mentioned?

[26:53] No.

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] Well, you mentioned it was a Bruce Lee outfit.

Stuart Wellington

[26:55] Yeah, with little driving gloves.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] He's dressed like Uma Thurman and Kill Bill.

[26:58] I think that's a reference for people.

[26:59] That's a reference.

Stuart Wellington

[26:59] And it's an interesting design choice that his horns, unlike an actual animal's horns, which go from light toward the skull to dark toward the tips, go from light to green for some reason.

[27:10] I didn't know that, Stuart.

[27:11] Maybe that represents that he is the forest spirit.

Dan McCoy

[27:14] Stuart has his animal husbandry back.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] You married an animal?

[27:18] I did.

[27:19] You're the husband of an animal?

Dan McCoy

[27:20] Mm-hmm.

[27:20] That's a sitcom.

[27:21] I married an animal.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] It's him in jail.

[27:27] It's not legal.

Stuart Wellington

[27:30] But what if it was?

[27:32] So marrying a fucking genie's legal?

[27:35] Nobody knows she's a genie.

[27:37] See, that's the thing.

[27:38] Maybe nobody knows it's an animal.

Elliott Kalan

[27:40] Nobody knows Samantha's a witch.

[27:41] What, so you dress up the animal in clothes?

[27:42] Why not?

[27:43] My boss is coming over for dinner tonight.

[27:45] Honey, don't forget to wear your human latex mask.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] Dude, Alf walks around and he's an alien.

[27:51] Nobody does anything.

[27:52] He delivers a baby at one point.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] Urkel is a nerd.

[27:57] Urkel's a silly person.

[27:59] No, you got me there.

[28:01] Urkel doesn't hide himself.

[28:03] Yeah.

[28:03] Although I will say this.

[28:05] Everyone in that show is way...

[28:06] The nerd pogrom.

[28:08] Wiped out all the nerds.

[28:09] Missed Urkel.

[28:10] They are.

[28:11] They are so unimpressed by the fact that a robot is walking around when he makes Urkelbot.

[28:16] Everyone's just like, wow, you made a robot.

[28:18] Okay, this doesn't change anything.

Stuart Wellington

[28:19] They're just more annoyed that Urkel shows up.

Elliott Kalan

[28:24] So he is a veterinarian and he also has a grandson.

[28:29] He also rides a skateboard, which is talked about a couple times, but we don't see it till the climax.

[28:33] When he is popping some ollies and gleaming some cubes.

Stuart Wellington

[28:38] Or as they say in Scotland, he's talking some gaga gorgogens.

[28:42] So we're introduced to his grandson, who's this Jimmy Neutron type fellow.

Elliott Kalan

[28:47] He looks very Jimmy Neutron-y.

[28:48] And we're introduced to him.

[28:49] He's got a very Wallace and Gromit style Rube Goldberg device that somehow moves a table and opens...

[28:56] Can we apologize to the creators of Wallace and Gromit for you making that comparison?

[29:00] Sorry, Nick Park.

[29:01] And all of Art Man.

[29:03] Yeah.

[29:03] Sorry, I jumped on you.

[29:05] No, no, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[29:06] I have nothing to say other than to also identify who is responsible for Wallace.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] I gotta say, talking about animation that holds up, Wrong Trousers holds up pretty well.

[29:15] Yeah.

[29:16] Actually, no, extremely well.

[29:17] Grand Day Out, it holds up okay.

[29:20] Not a lot of plot in that.

[29:21] Is that the one with the cheese?

[29:22] That's the one they go to the moon for cheese.

[29:24] They all have cheese in them.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] Yeah, that penguin in Wrong Trousers is amazing.

[29:31] It's a master class in doing more with less.

[29:34] He may be my favorite movie villain of all time.

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] Just blinking.

[29:38] Just blinking and just looking at things.

[29:41] Yeah.

[29:41] But he's so sinister.

[29:42] And when he puts on that red rubber glove on his head and just pulls, he just runs his

[29:47] hands through the fingers like their hair and it flops back into place.

Dan McCoy

[29:50] Ugh, scary.

[29:51] We should have watched that tonight, guys.

[29:53] We still can.

Elliott Kalan

[29:54] It's like five minutes long, right?

[29:56] It was like a half hour.

[29:57] Almost as scary as the rabbit boy that we see later on.

[30:00] We'll get to him.

[30:01] So Sean Connery is a veterinarian.

[30:04] That's all we need to know.

[30:04] He's going to take his grandson to school.

[30:06] That doesn't happen because adventure intervenes.

[30:08] The grandson has this elaborate trapdoor contraption that he uses to bedevil his mom and his butler

[30:14] because he's rich.

[30:16] That kid's technological or know-how never brought up again.

Dan McCoy

[30:20] Yeah.

[30:20] I think this kid is set up.

[30:23] If you're reading this movie.

[30:25] Well, you're doing it wrong.

[30:26] You should be watching it.

[30:27] It's not a book.

[30:28] If you're reading it like someone who has watched a movie before, I feel like you're set up

[30:32] to believe that this child is going to be one of the major heroes of the film because you're

[30:36] like, all right, he's rascally.

[30:38] He's got this science knowledge.

[30:41] He's going to do something later on.

[30:43] He gets a big introduction.

[30:44] He does shit all.

[30:47] He does nothing.

[30:49] He does nothing.

[30:50] Much to Dan's happiness is joy.

Elliott Kalan

[30:52] You hated him on first.

[30:52] I took an immediate dislike of this child.

[30:54] I've never seen you hate a character so quickly.

[30:58] It just reminded me of-

[30:59] Who can hate a child?

Dan McCoy

[31:00] There are some terrible-

[31:01] Who can hate a child?

[31:04] It just reminded me of bratty kids that I have known.

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] Bratty kids that I have known.

[31:09] They invent stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[31:10] Bedevil butlers.

[31:12] Yeah, exactly.

[31:13] Bedevil butlers.

[31:14] The butler is so bedeviled that he is about to cut the kid's head off with a sword before

[31:18] the mom intervenes.

[31:20] Again, which would have continued, this movie is kind of-

[31:24] What's the word I'm thinking of?

[31:27] Kind of a relaxed attitude towards death.

[31:30] Where they just-

[31:31] It comes up surprisingly-

[31:32] It's part of life, Elliot.

[31:34] Yeah.

[31:34] That's a good point.

[31:34] That's what this movie teaches us.

[31:36] The other side of the coin.

Dan McCoy

[31:37] Mm-hmm.

[31:38] About a shattery reflection.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] I started to wonder, is this the movie adaptation of a TV show where each of these characters

[31:45] are like well-known characters?

[31:47] So, of course, they're going to get big introductions even though they don't play a big part in the

[31:51] movie, but I don't think so.

[31:52] Like the Adventures of Buckaroo Bonsai?

[31:54] I mean, that's not really based on anything, but kind of.

[31:57] Wait, there wasn't a TV show?

[31:59] Not really.

[32:00] It's kind of done as if there was some long series.

[32:03] Oh, okay.

[32:05] But like the way, like if there was a Seinfeld movie and Kramer did not play a major part

[32:09] in it, which would be crazy.

[32:11] Okay.

[32:11] Even the CD.

Stuart Wellington

[32:12] I mean, it would be tough nowadays.

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] Let's say it was made in like 1998.

Dan McCoy

[32:18] It's Kramer and special guest Bill Cosby, everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] In the movie you're not going to see.

[32:26] They decided that they were going to try to beat inappropriate comedy for least amount of

[32:31] watches by humans.

[32:34] He gets this big build up and then he just is just around for the rest of it.

[32:38] But we should keep moving.

[32:39] We should keep moving because we're not yet done introducing the characters.

[32:42] There's also the New York lady's sister who is super busty and super sexy.

Stuart Wellington

[32:48] I mean, they're both super busty, but this one's the sexy busty one.

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] But one is kind of stout busty and the other one is, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[32:55] Matronly, I think, would have been.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] Yeah.

[32:57] I think.

[32:58] Yeah, yeah.

[32:58] One is more overly zaftig, you could say.

[33:03] Overly.

[33:03] Rubenesque.

Stuart Wellington

[33:05] She eats too many.

[33:06] Paul Rubenesque.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] I dated this girl last night.

[33:11] Pretty Rubenesque.

[33:11] Oh, nice.

[33:13] I don't know what that means.

[33:14] It was horrifying.

[33:15] She thought she was a six-year-old boy.

[33:18] And then she masturbated in the theater.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] Yeah.

[33:22] She did a dance where she pointed to her privates.

[33:24] It was crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[33:25] So she was a member of the Groundlings.

[33:28] It was weird.

[33:29] So, uh.

[33:31] And her.

Dan McCoy

[33:31] She was a friend of the late Phil Hartman.

[33:33] Tragic.

[33:35] Tragic stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[33:35] So she introduced her sister who flirts with Sean Connery's character.

[33:39] Again, this doesn't come up again for almost the rest of the movie.

[33:43] They've got to get this kid to school.

[33:44] But we return.

[33:46] Then there's the policeman who's still wandering around years later looking for the beaver.

Stuart Wellington

[33:50] Then.

[33:50] I kind of wish design-wise they had made him look like a crazy homeless guy who would like

[33:55] stitched his uniform together with random trash he found.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] Because he's just lost sight of humanity.

[34:03] He's like no longer part of human society because of his obsession.

[34:06] Yeah, exactly.

[34:08] He's kind of like the old Connecticut folk hero, the Leather Man.

[34:12] Okay.

[34:12] Who was a real man who, as a former Daily Show writer, Rich Blomquist described, was the

[34:17] missing link between caveman and hobo.

Dan McCoy

[34:21] And he was just famous for what?

[34:23] Walking around a circle, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[34:25] He wore a leather suit and walked in the same circuit through Connecticut on a yearly basis, living in caves and begging pies and things, doing odd jobs.

[34:36] And for some reason, there is a half-hour local PBS special on the sky that you have to see.

Dan McCoy

[34:43] That was my fondest Daily Show memory was when we had, it was like right before our break and we just had nothing to do with ourselves.

[34:49] We watched the half-hour documentary about the Leather Man, just about a hobo who walked in a circle.

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] And people remembered about how he walked in a circle.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] And Rich Blomquist, Mr. Kristen Schaal, talked about how he, on a school trip, went out to see a cave where the Leather Man stayed.

[35:07] Why did he say a Leather Man?

[35:09] I was wondering about that too.

[35:10] Like it's a tool.

[35:11] Famous hobo.

[35:13] Like, here kids, this is where a famous vagrant stayed.

[35:20] This is educational, I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] Because Connecticut doesn't have a lot of stuff in it.

[35:25] Are we going to go to the nutmeg factory again?

[35:28] No, we got something else.

[35:29] We're going to learn how insurance is sold.

Dan McCoy

[35:31] It's boring.

[35:32] So look up the Leather Man, I guess.

[35:35] Be careful with that Google search.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] Can I do my recommendation now?

[35:39] Don't just Google Leather Man.

[35:40] Go to YouTube and do, go like, PBS Leather Man special.

[35:44] Yeah.

[35:44] But anyway, so we're so barely into this movie.

[35:48] So, okay.

[35:49] Luckily there's not much plot.

[35:50] The police officer is looking for the beaver.

[35:52] Then, okay.

[35:53] It's super straightforward.

[35:54] We're reintroduced to the beaver.

Stuart Wellington

[35:54] It is storytelling boiled down to its quintessence.

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] It follows all of Aristotle's three unities.

[36:01] There's Bessie Boo the beaver is living with these rabbits now.

[36:05] She's still a fugitive except everyone knows where she is except the policeman.

[36:08] She's friends with everybody in town.

[36:10] Now, the rabbits do some kind of...

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] And at this point we realize that every single animal can talk and the humans totally understand them.

[36:18] Yeah.

[36:18] So this whole, like, removing all the beavers and throwing them in cages and dying, that's crazy because those are sentient creatures you can interact with.

[36:25] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[36:25] They're essentially furry humans, which for a lot of people is a sexual fetish going to life.

[36:32] But they're also...

[36:33] But here's the thing.

[36:34] Whoever made this movie doesn't know what size beavers and rabbits are because they're roughly the size of, like, in this movie of, like, what, like, a small mouse?

Dan McCoy

[36:44] Yeah.

[36:45] Well, I mean, the beavers and rabbits can definitely be held in the palm of one hand.

Stuart Wellington

[36:49] In one hand.

[36:50] Sometimes they're larger.

[36:50] Sometimes they're smaller.

[36:51] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[36:52] Yeah, they...

[36:52] Yeah, they're...

[36:53] I mean, we're living in a universe of strange non-Euclidean geometry.

[36:57] Oh, they're...

[36:58] They keep...

Dan McCoy

[36:59] They keep eating strange cookies that say eat me and drinking strange bottles that say drink me is a problem.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] Yeah, that was a major problem at the time.

[37:07] Yeah.

[37:08] At the time in Scotland.

[37:09] I remember seeing those PSAs.

[37:10] Ugh.

[37:11] If you see...

[37:13] Children.

[37:14] If you see a wee bottle that says drink me on it.

[37:18] Do not drink it.

[37:19] Do not drink it.

[37:19] Oh, that's great.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] You shall be changing your shape.

[37:22] I found the cure for movies, but I lost it.

[37:25] That doesn't make any sense.

[37:29] Your size...

[37:30] I was playing your game.

Dan McCoy

[37:31] It won't be the same as when you're distorted.

[37:36] I feel like that's like...

[37:38] Back at like Carisoti Cinemas.

[37:40] That would be like something that would...

[37:42] What?

Dan McCoy

[37:43] What?

[37:43] Carisoti Cinemas?

[37:44] I don't know what that is.

[37:45] There's a chain of movie theaters.

[37:47] Okay.

[37:47] That would be one of the things that like...

[37:48] It's a regional movie theater chain.

[37:49] Carry soda cinemas.

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] We do carry soda.

[37:51] Don't worry.

[37:52] You don't have to bring your own.

[37:53] It's not VYOS.

Dan McCoy

[37:54] That played before the movie.

[37:56] Like Sean Connery would be like,

[38:00] And you'd be like, I don't know what this is.

[38:02] But they're playing it before the Coca-Cola commercial.

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] You just reminded me of something that I hadn't thought of in years.

[38:09] Elliot loves Coca-Cola.

[38:11] Well, one that I love Coca-Cola.

[38:13] Before movies at Lowe's Cinemas, they used to show a thing about like scenes from movies

[38:20] where people are like, be quiet, be quiet.

[38:21] And they'd show the scene from, is it Murder by Death?

[38:24] Where Peter Falk says, I gotta go to the can.

[38:29] Nobody said anything.

[38:30] They would show the scene from the producers where Zero Mostel is screaming in Gene Wilder's

[38:36] ear and Gene Wilder's acting like his ears hurt.

[38:38] But they'd show it with the sound cut out, as if the joke was that Gene Wilder was pretending

[38:43] that there was a lot of noise.

[38:44] But in the movie, Zero Mostel is literally screaming into his ear.

[38:48] So like, I remember, I don't know why, but now that makes me really mad that they manipulated

[38:54] that footage, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[38:55] I don't even understand what the point they're making by changing it is.

[39:00] So I guess if you work for Lowe's.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] If you used to cut pre-movie promos for Lowe's.

[39:08] Right in.

[39:08] To the plop house.

[39:08] And if you did the animation for the pre-movie thing where it's just giant candy floating in

[39:13] space, call me, because I loved that.

Dan McCoy

[39:16] And if you did the drive-in thing that said, hello, young lovers, I like your work.

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] Do you guys remember when Regal Cinemas used to actually show movie trivia that was for

[39:27] actual older movies?

[39:28] Because there was a clear delineation between when the Regal Cinema in My Town first opened

[39:34] and started showing movie trivia before the movie.

[39:36] And it was actually like, you know, like famous older films.

[39:39] And then they just cut to movie trivia about whatever was about to be playing.

[39:45] Like.

[39:46] I don't remember that.

[39:47] Will's, Will blank is, is Hancock.

[39:50] What?

[39:50] Who could it be?

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] Who could it be?

[39:54] William Carlos Williams?

[39:56] The Doctor Poet?

[39:58] So we should get back to this movie.

[39:59] Because again, what's weird is we've done a lot of tangents in the episode, but this

[40:02] movie is crazy bonkers.

[40:03] Yeah.

[40:04] So we're introduced to a, this is the pod racing sport of rabbits, where there is a

[40:09] giant, like a caber or a log that is tied to a, or not even tied, like you stand on

[40:15] a disc and a caber goes down to you.

[40:17] Like a trash can.

[40:18] And you've got to hold on to reins and steer it.

[40:21] This is somehow a rabbit sport and the beaver is not ready for it.

[40:25] Says the rat, says his like rabbit adopted brother who hates him.

[40:29] But they say like, give it a shot, beaver.

[40:31] And they're all making fun of his tail.

[40:33] Someone actually says like, we'll find out what that thing attached to your butt does.

[40:36] Like they don't even know what a beaver is, what it does.

[40:39] Anyway, they, he goes down a hill prematurely, I guess.

[40:43] And turns out to be the most amazing instinctual pod racer there ever was.

[40:49] The, the rabbit half brother is angry, angry by this, that his thunder's been stolen.

Dan McCoy

[40:53] I guess the Sebulba character.

Elliott Kalan

[40:54] Yeah.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:55] He's totally Sebulba.

[40:56] And he goes off, but he screws it up.

[40:59] Uh oh.

[40:59] And he's in danger.

[41:00] He starts hanging off a cliff.

[41:02] Their mother rabbit, the one who adopted the beaver, goes to save him.

[41:06] They're both knocked over the cliff into the rushing waters below.

[41:09] So we see on screen, the mother rabbit falls to the bottom of the riverbed and hits her head on a rock.

[41:16] And her motionless semi-corpse bobs up on the top of the stream and floats down.

[41:23] It is horrifying.

[41:24] The fact that you literally see her thump her head against a rock underwater.

[41:28] Yeah.

[41:28] Like, she could have just fallen in the water and then just bobbed up floating.

[41:32] But the movie was like, hmm, let's show you that she's suffered brain injury.

Stuart Wellington

[41:36] There's some kind of terrifying disconnect between the completely unrealistic images you're seeing and the super realistic sounds you're hearing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] There's a part later where Gordon the Goat, the Alan Cumming character, falls from a height onto the deck of a ship.

[41:50] And there's a thump sound where it's like, ooh, that's a little too real.

[41:54] But Bessie Boo Beaver decides, I'm going to use my beaver powers of, I guess, swimming to save them.

[42:00] She dives off the cliff and falls in the water.

[42:04] Now, here is where I thought this was going to be like the opening incident of the movie that just shows you what Bessie Boo is capable of.

[42:11] And then we get on with the main plot.

[42:13] No.

[42:13] Saving these characters from the river is the plot of the movie.

[42:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:18] And so.

[42:18] It goes on and on and on.

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] This river must be roughly a thousand miles long.

[42:23] Mm-hmm.

[42:24] Because the characters have enough time to go to Sean Connery for help.

[42:28] Sean Connery discusses the plan with everybody.

[42:32] Does Sean Connery.

Dan McCoy

[42:32] Everybody in town.

[42:33] Sean Connery.

[42:33] Who seems on board with it.

[42:34] So again.

[42:35] Except for.

[42:36] Except for the guy who hates beavers.

[42:37] No.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] And the guy who owns the dam.

[42:39] Oh, that's right.

[42:39] Who is the best character in the movie probably.

[42:43] His name is Toph.

[42:44] And he is like.

[42:46] He is like a rich dam.

[42:47] He's like a duke or something.

Dan McCoy

[42:48] But again.

[42:49] It shows the disconnect between like the human characters getting rid of these beavers.

[42:54] And then like.

[42:55] I guess the fact that all animals are humans.

[42:57] Well, look.

Elliott Kalan

[42:58] That was a national law.

[42:59] And this is like a local.

[43:00] I see.

[43:01] Community thing.

[43:01] They're a beaver sanctuary town.

[43:03] Ah.

[43:04] So when a beaver commits a crime.

[43:05] It's the mayor of that sanctuary town that's going to be on the hook for it.

[43:09] I guess Sean Connery or.

[43:12] I don't think he's the mayor.

[43:13] He's a veterinarian.

[43:14] But he seems to run the place.

[43:15] Yeah.

[43:16] Well, it seems like one of those.

[43:17] And his daughter lives in the castle.

[43:20] It's one of those like.

[43:20] Like Nietzschean type situations.

[43:22] Where out of a chaos.

[43:24] Of an ungoverned town.

[43:25] The naturally superior man.

[43:27] Sean Connery is skateboarding veterinarian.

[43:30] Sir Billy.

[43:30] Arises as the natural leader.

[43:32] And people flock to him.

[43:33] He goes to the town.

[43:34] And he says.

[43:34] I'm going to need everybody's help.

[43:36] To save these two rabbits.

[43:37] And this beaver.

[43:38] So.

[43:39] Everyone's on board with it.

[43:40] They're like.

[43:40] What can we do?

[43:41] How can we help?

[43:42] You duck in a plane.

[43:43] You're going to be our.

[43:44] You're going to go overseas and recon.

[43:46] Everyone else.

[43:47] Split up and go to different areas.

[43:49] The duck sees.

[43:50] Or someone just tells Sean Connery.

[43:52] That the mother rabbit is lying motionless somewhere.

[43:55] And he goes.

[43:55] And immediately diagnoses.

[43:57] That she may be paralyzed.

Dan McCoy

[43:58] Yeah.

[43:59] He's talking to the goat.

[44:00] I fear that.

[44:01] If she doesn't waggle her foot.

[44:03] She could be paralyzed.

Stuart Wellington

[44:05] And it's.

[44:06] This is after the goat explains.

[44:07] That the rabbit hit her head.

[44:09] And is bleeding to death.

Elliott Kalan

[44:11] Oh yeah.

[44:11] They're told that the rabbit is bleeding.

[44:13] Out of her head.

[44:14] So they have to go.

[44:15] And.

[44:16] And.

[44:16] Gordon the goat is like.

[44:17] She's lost a lot of blood.

[44:19] It's like.

[44:20] Now.

[44:20] No kids movie should include the phrase.

[44:22] Lost a lot of blood.

[44:23] That's just.

[44:23] I'm just going to say.

[44:24] That's right off the bat.

[44:25] Yeah.

[44:26] It was.

[44:26] But.

[44:26] And like.

[44:27] Luckily.

[44:27] Thankfully.

[44:28] They don't animate.

[44:29] Rivulets of blood.

[44:30] Pouring out of her skull.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] Or.

[44:32] Thankfully.

[44:33] They do not make the rabbit.

[44:34] Actually paralyzed.

[44:36] No.

[44:36] Thankfully.

[44:37] She does waggle her toe.

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] The doctors.

[44:39] The veterinarian's.

[44:41] Medical.

[44:43] Prescription of.

[44:44] I'm going to stand here.

[44:45] And tell you to wag your toe.

[44:46] And ask you really hard to do it.

[44:48] Works.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] I was half expecting him.

[44:50] To have to trepain her skull.

[44:52] To release the pressure on her brain.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] To release the demons inside.

[44:56] Now.

[44:57] Here's the thing.

[44:58] Gordon the goat is dressed as Uma Thurman.

[44:59] And Kill Bill.

[45:00] Is this wiggle the toe thing.

[45:01] Also a reference to Kill Bill.

[45:02] I can only hope.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] I have to believe it is.

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] That would be horrifying.

[45:06] There's a bunch of random movie references.

[45:08] Thrown in here.

Dan McCoy

[45:09] I was going to.

[45:10] I was.

[45:10] I thought you were going to say.

[45:11] Because there's a bunch of rape.

[45:13] In that part of Kill Bill.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] So wait.

[45:15] Oh wait.

[45:15] So.

[45:15] Oh that's hard.

[45:16] So I didn't even think that.

[45:17] Seems like a horrible reference.

[45:19] For a child's movie to me.

[45:19] So you think Sir Billy.

[45:20] If she didn't move her toe.

[45:21] Was going to sell her.

[45:22] Sell a night with her.

[45:24] To some other creepy guy.

Dan McCoy

[45:25] Yeah.

[45:26] Oof.

Elliott Kalan

[45:27] Gordon goat is pretty lascivious.

[45:29] And.

[45:30] He's a.

[45:30] He's like.

[45:31] Sir Billy is hype man.

[45:34] He's just flamboyant and like.

[45:36] Sassy.

[45:37] But he's never really gay.

[45:38] He's just pansexual.

[45:39] Like Alan Cumming himself.

[45:40] Like pan.

[45:41] The goat man.

[45:43] That's where it comes from I guess.

[45:45] Like.

[45:46] Like.

Elliott Kalan

[45:46] Zampir.

[45:47] Master of the pan flute.

[45:49] The most pansexual man there is.

Dan McCoy

[45:52] He's actually a flute sexual.

[45:54] That's.

[45:54] Oh wow.

[45:55] That's mostly because he.

[45:56] Yeah.

[45:56] He works his flute into his love making.

Elliott Kalan

[45:58] Oh.

[45:59] That sounds horrible.

[46:00] Anyway.

[46:00] So.

[46:01] Now that they've established that she is not paralyzed from the waist.

Stuart Wellington

[46:03] I was trying to think what Dario Argento movie that was.

Dan McCoy

[46:08] It's.

[46:09] It's.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] It's.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] It's.

[46:10] It's.

[46:11] It's.

[46:12] It's.

[46:12] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] Yep.

[46:14] All right.

[46:16] Sorry.

[46:18] And I bet they would do that as an American Pie sequel right?

Dan McCoy

[46:20] Sure.

[46:20] Well.

[46:20] American Pie colon Zamfier.

[46:23] The Zamfier model.

[46:27] So.

[46:28] And for some reason Eugene Levy is still in it.

Elliott Kalan

[46:31] For some reason.

[46:31] Yeah.

[46:32] Cha-ching.

[46:32] That's the reason.

[46:33] Money dude.

[46:34] Cash registers are sound.

[46:35] And because Eugene Levy puts butts in the seats.

[46:37] Why do you think bringing down the house was advertised with a poster that had a word

[46:42] balloon for Eugene Levy saying you got me straight tripping boo.

Dan McCoy

[46:46] Gets butts in the seats.

[46:48] What a crazy late career high that man had.

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] He's still around.

[46:53] Yeah.

[46:54] No.

[46:55] No.

[46:55] I love Eugene Levy.

[46:56] I'm not saying anything bad about him.

[46:57] I mean it's just so bad that Eugene Levy couldn't hold out when Katrina hit.

[47:01] You seen Spike Lee's Nightmare when the levee broke?

[47:04] Yeah.

[47:04] No.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] I know.

[47:05] I saw that.

[47:06] It's too bad.

[47:07] I saw that movie.

[47:07] He was just standing there going.

[47:08] Ah.

[47:08] Water.

[47:09] Oh.

[47:09] Ah.

[47:10] Ah.

[47:11] Ah.

[47:11] You got me straight drowning boo.

[47:15] That's horrible.

[47:16] Terrible.

[47:18] This is the anniversary of Katrina.

[47:21] Not when we're.

[47:21] This is airing.

Dan McCoy

[47:24] The worst.

Elliott Kalan

[47:25] Not when this.

[47:26] Horrible man.

[47:26] Not when you're releasing this.

[47:27] All right.

[47:28] Anyway.

[47:29] So it is sad.

[47:29] Anyway.

[47:30] So speaking of sad.

[47:31] This movie.

[47:31] So they've saved kind of the grown up bunny.

[47:34] But you've still got a kid beaver and a kid bunny who are in trouble.

[47:37] Luckily somebody has a boat and the and some of the ladies in town decide to go drive

[47:44] it to help them and they manage to save them.

[47:47] Although the beaver almost gets sucked into the turbines of the dam that the rich guy refuses

[47:51] to shut down.

[47:51] Although to be honest this is a huge public works project.

[47:54] It's powering the village.

[47:56] Are they really going to shut it down for who knows how long to save a beaver and a rabbit?

Stuart Wellington

[48:00] I mean but they're like living creatures Elliot.

[48:03] They have hopes and dreams.

[48:05] I mean I don't.

Elliott Kalan

[48:06] The wheels of progress are oiled with the blood of the innocent.

Stuart Wellington

[48:09] But I know.

[48:09] I know.

[48:10] We haven't seen other than a pilot.

[48:11] We haven't seen any gainfully employed animal characters.

Elliott Kalan

[48:14] Although they all wear jumpsuits.

[48:15] Yeah.

[48:16] So is that their job or are they just like is it a man or astro man type thing or a

[48:21] Devo type thing where they're in a band?

[48:22] Yeah.

[48:23] What's the deal?

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] Dan what do you think?

[48:26] Are they in a cult?

[48:27] Is it to make them all look like weird plucked turkeys?

Dan McCoy

[48:31] Let's assume it's a comfort thing.

[48:33] Sure.

[48:33] I see.

Elliott Kalan

[48:36] So anyway they manage to save them at the last minute.

Stuart Wellington

[48:41] But the moment upon saving the beaver the goat goes paralyzed and falls in the river?

[48:47] That came a little later.

Dan McCoy

[48:48] So he gets on a boat.

Elliott Kalan

[48:50] But no even before that he has a cramp.

[48:54] And falls in the water.

[48:55] That's how the goat gets on the boat.

[48:57] Because he has a cramp and falls off a dam into the water.

[49:00] They are all sure that he's dead but then he swims to the boat.

[49:03] Then the boat and this came out of nowhere is thrust into the air by a Russian submarine

[49:09] that it's mentioned in the text on screen is having nuclear reactor problems.

[49:13] That is not mentioned again.

[49:15] Although perhaps it would explain why there's so many anthropomorphic animals in the area

[49:19] if there was a slow radiation leak that was just changing their DNA.

[49:23] But the Russian sub, uh oh, suddenly they're in trouble.

[49:26] The goat has a plan that involves him hanging from a rope, catching a rope from the plane that the duck is flying.

[49:33] It flies him over around for a while and he falls off on a dock.

[49:38] And when he hits the dock, he is also seemingly dead.

Dan McCoy

[49:42] Yeah.

[49:42] But meanwhile, the two ladies who stayed on the boat with the Russian submarine are unharmed.

[49:48] And they are fine.

[49:50] Yeah, like the goat did not need to jump, like get on this, uh, flying around rope.

Elliott Kalan

[49:55] It was totally unnecessary for him to get on the flying around rope.

[49:59] He just likes the adventure of life.

[50:01] But anyway.

[50:01] But then Sean Connery has flashbacks to the life that he had with this goat.

[50:05] Sean Connery thinks the goat might be dead.

[50:07] And yet he flashes back to Raising the Goat, which involved a lot of movie parodies.

[50:11] Singing in the Rain, Casablanca.

[50:15] Uh, there was one, just a random Charlie Chaplin type thing.

Stuart Wellington

[50:18] Reading Identity Crisis.

Elliott Kalan

[50:20] Reading Identity Crisis, which I assume is not the comic book Identity Crisis, but I'm not sure.

[50:24] Uh.

[50:25] Yeah, we didn't pause it.

[50:26] There was some, it was just like, he flashes back to his life with the goat.

[50:30] And then, but the duck manages to deliver special water from a part of the highlands.

[50:36] And that reinvigorates the goat and he's back to life.

[50:39] But this is the.

[50:40] This water's been established as being magic, I'm guessing.

[50:42] This is what the, not in the movie.

[50:44] Maybe it's just a famous scotch thing.

[50:45] I thought that's what he gave the, uh, the paralyzed rabbit.

[50:48] Oh, I assumed that was just whiskey or something.

[50:50] Oh, okay.

[50:50] But, uh, yeah, he gives the paralyzed rabbit a little draught of something from a bottle.

[50:54] And they, but there's a theme in this movie of characters lying on the ground as Sean Connery's.

[50:59] Carrie's being welcome.

[51:01] It's the theme.

[51:02] Of characters lying on the ground.

[51:04] Animals lying on the ground as Sean Connery bends over them and talks about the worst case scenario that they might be looking at.

[51:11] Very casually.

[51:12] I mean, like, sadly, but casually.

[51:14] Luckily, the goat man lives.

[51:17] A sentence I never thought I'd say.

[51:20] You know what's weird is I made a joke about a man with the power of a goat in last week's, or last episode.

[51:25] All right.

[51:25] Raised in Monaco.

[51:26] I should have saved it for this.

[51:27] Mm-hmm.

[51:28] Uh, there is, but that's when the police officer, who kind of disappeared for a while, convinces the Russian sub-captain to give him the beaver.

[51:36] They have to chase the police officer down.

[51:39] This leads to the skateboard chase that we've been waiting for.

[51:42] You're right.

[51:42] As Sean Connery rides his skateboard through the most depressing areas of Scotland.

[51:47] They're all industrial kind of wastelands.

Dan McCoy

[51:49] There's like a military base.

[51:52] Burn.

[51:52] You got burned, Aberdeen.

[51:53] Take that, Aberdeen.

[51:54] Concrete city.

[51:55] Dan, do you know anything about Aberdeen?

[51:56] It's an ugly city.

[51:57] I mean, I don't know much about it either.

[51:58] I've been there once.

[51:59] Oh, you were there once?

[52:00] Yeah.

[52:00] What were you doing there?

[52:01] Visiting a friend.

[52:03] It's no Edinburgh, I'll tell you that.

[52:04] Well, no, Edinburgh's a great city.

Elliott Kalan

[52:06] Yeah.

[52:06] Glasgow's a nice city.

[52:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] Aberdeen, not so much.

Elliott Kalan

[52:09] Okay.

[52:10] I've never been there.

[52:11] So, but they end up in a UK Navy submarine dock where they're stopped by the real police

[52:19] who Sean Connery asks for five minutes alone with the policeman who wants to kick out all

[52:24] the beavers and then they can take him to jail.

[52:26] But up, the police officer is arrested for, I'm not sure.

[52:31] Partially impersonating a police officer.

[52:33] Slamming those beavers.

[52:34] Yeah, I guess.

[52:35] What's weird is that the movie made a point of establishing early on that it was national

[52:39] law that these beavers were not going to be introduced.

[52:41] So this cop is being arrested, I guess, for just being a jerk.

[52:45] Overzealous.

[52:46] I guess that's it.

[52:47] You're not supposed to enforce the laws that much.

[52:50] Mm-hmm.

[52:51] Everyone celebrates with a big dance party.

[52:54] Sean Connery gives a kind of rambling speech.

Dan McCoy

[52:56] And then, but the dance that happens is the women of the movie, the three bustiest women.

[53:03] No.

[53:03] Not the super bustiest, right?

[53:05] I think.

[53:06] I don't remember.

[53:06] Is she going to leave with Sean Connery?

[53:08] Well, no.

[53:08] I think that the.

[53:08] I think she's still dancing.

[53:10] That's part of the dance.

[53:10] Oh, okay.

[53:11] Never mind then.

[53:11] The three bustiest women do a sexy dance for a long time.

[53:14] A long time.

[53:15] There's a slow jam with a sexy dance.

[53:17] The entire movie stops for this.

Elliott Kalan

[53:19] And then the busty sister from New York goes off with Sean Connery.

[53:25] And Sean Connery's daughter.

Stuart Wellington

[53:26] After she declares him guardian of the highlands.

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] Yeah.

[53:29] She says he's like a guardian of the highlands.

Stuart Wellington

[53:31] Which is reiterated by another character.

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] By his daughter who goes, yeah, I guess he is like a guardian of the highlands.

[53:35] It is the laziest way of getting the title of a movie in.

[53:38] The only lazier way would be if they were like, you know, if they made a movie about this guy, they should call it guardian of the highlands.

[53:44] But he goes off with her and asks her if she wants to see the sunset over the Atlantic from the most beautiful mountain in the highlands.

[53:54] Which means he's going to bang her.

[53:55] Yeah.

[53:56] And his sister.

[53:57] No, his sister.

[53:58] His daughter.

[53:59] The mother of the little kid who has been forgotten by this point.

[54:02] His daughter says, oh, it's so glad he's found the happiness that he's been missing all these years.

[54:07] She's, you know, although she's, you know, it has to be.

Stuart Wellington

[54:10] A character who seems certainly very happy the whole movie.

Elliott Kalan

[54:13] Yeah.

[54:14] Yeah, he's never, he's only, he's barely unhappy when someone's about to die in front of him.

[54:19] Like, even then it only like.

[54:21] He has a manic glee of only the insane.

[54:23] It only slightly dampens his buzz that he's about to witness the death of his best friend, the goat man.

[54:29] But then she says, like, too bad she's a yank.

[54:33] Although she does have quite the admirable chest.

[54:35] They don't breed him like that here.

[54:37] It is the weirdest moment.

[54:39] Yes.

[54:39] And then there's the credits.

[54:41] And during the credits.

[54:43] Oh, boy.

[54:43] There's a couple different sequences.

[54:44] There's a sequence of, well, then the duck woman flies around for a while talking and she just rambles on.

[54:51] And she winks at the camera.

[54:52] And at the end she winks at the camera and flies away.

[54:54] And if her scenes had been cut from the movie, because you could do that, it would just be the weirdest thing if a duck suddenly winked at the camera and flew away at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[55:02] Otherwise it works totally normally.

[55:04] Otherwise it makes perfect sense.

[55:06] It's airtight.

Elliott Kalan

[55:06] So at the end there are three end credit sequences.

[55:09] One is just the duck lady in the plane.

[55:11] Her plane stops working and she has to get it started again before she crashes.

Dan McCoy

[55:14] Which we assume was like cut from the film for time.

Stuart Wellington

[55:17] Or it was like test animation to be like, hey, this duck character is a big deal.

[55:21] Let's show, let me show the investors.

Elliott Kalan

[55:24] Let's start working on the sequel about, what was her name?

[55:27] Lucille?

[55:28] What was it?

[55:28] Vicky.

[55:29] Let's start working on the sequel about Vicky the Duck right away.

[55:32] Where maybe this was like a Vicky the Duck movie and then they decided to change the focus when they got Sean Connery on board.

[55:39] But they show that for a while.

[55:41] Then all the characters without color, they just look like 3D models that haven't been colored in or had textures put on them, walk out and give bows in front of the credits.

[55:50] Yeah, they all do a curtain call.

[55:51] And then after that, we see a series of flashbacks that is this movie's version of the opening from Up, I guess, where you see Sean Connery romancing his wife as a young man, getting married.

[56:04] They have a daughter, she graduates, and then his wife is old and then dies.

[56:08] And the last shot of it is literally Sean Connery with his hand on a tombstone.

Dan McCoy

[56:13] Heading to grave.

Elliott Kalan

[56:15] Sadly.

[56:15] And behind him, the grave behind him, it looks like he's walking through the grave near the castle where Bugs Bunny met those witches that turned into vultures.

[56:24] Like this is the most cartoon hammer horror graveyard.

[56:30] And that's the last shot of the movie.

[56:32] Is Sean Connery mourning his wife?

Dan McCoy

[56:35] The movie ended happily, but it felt like it needed to remind us.

[56:40] It's like, oh, no, no.

[56:41] A lot of sad stuff happened, and it could happen to you at any moment.

Stuart Wellington

[56:45] Grim specter of death is hovering over you at all times.

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] Don't think that just because the movie is over, they live happily ever after.

[56:52] They lived happily until their time on this earth came to an end.

[56:56] And she is much younger than him.

[56:57] So he'll pass before her, and she will, one, mourn him, sadly, and two, be too old to marry again.

[57:04] And so live out her final decades alone, unloved, not knowing the touch of a man, again.

[57:10] Good night, children.

[57:11] Guardian of the Highlights.

[57:12] Guardian of the Highlights.

[57:13] So, like, this is, the animation's not as bad as Food Fight, but it's like, it comes close.

[57:19] And it still, it looks like, whereas Food Fight looked like they animated the movie in, like, three days, this looks like they had a week to do it in.

[57:25] Oh, wow.

[57:25] Okay.

[57:26] But this, like, this is a bonkers movie.

[57:29] And I have to say, as, like, I was, it was so weirdly depressing and sad, and yet at the end, that's, I don't think I've laughed harder than, like, a year than I did at that shot of him massaging his wife's tombstone.

Dan McCoy

[57:43] A feel-good shot of the year, raves Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[57:47] Sean Connery hilariously mourns his wife, says Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[57:51] Yeah, we're here.

[57:53] Final judgments.

[57:54] Is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie kind of like?

[57:57] I'm going to say, this is a good, bad movie.

[58:00] It's 76 minutes, it's almost as crazy as Food Fight, but a little more easy to watch.

[58:07] It doesn't have the fever dream horror.

Elliott Kalan

[58:09] I would say it's less crazy, but it's more, it's as silly as Food Fight.

Stuart Wellington

[58:12] Yeah, so.

[58:14] Or as dumb.

[58:14] And it's faster, like, it moves quicker.

Elliott Kalan

[58:17] It lacks an elderly gay bat.

Dan McCoy

[58:21] No, I mean, it lacks the complete insanity of Food Fight.

[58:24] I'm not like, you know, if you want to see something that is going to make you, you know, weep for all mankind, watch Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] Raves, Dan McCoy.

[58:35] I want them to put it on the back of the box so badly now.

Dan McCoy

[58:38] But this has some of the same qualities in a way that I enjoyed.

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] It's the moment when you realize they're going to do a full dance number at the end with just all these, like, weird CGI swinging utters.

[58:51] And you're just rubbing your temples, kind of willing it to be over or to go on forever.

[58:56] You don't know which.

[58:58] That's the moment you realize it's a good, bad movie.

[59:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] I would say good, bad movie also.

[59:03] I started bad, bad, but then it got good, bad fast.

[59:11] Hi, everybody.

[59:11] I'm Justin McElroy.

Dan McCoy

[59:12] I'm Travis McElroy.

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] I'm Griffin McElroy.

[59:15] And we host the first podcast ever made, My Brother, My Brother, I made.

Dan McCoy

[59:18] Every Monday we put out the first ever advice comedy podcast ever.

[59:22] They found our podcast on Dead Sea Scrolls.

Elliott Kalan

[59:24] We're the Hammurabi code of podcasts and we're ready to entertain you with jokes.

Dan McCoy

[59:28] So we invented the first jokes.

[59:30] So join us every Monday on MaximumFun.org.

[59:33] You'll never crack our code, Dan Brown.

[59:34] Just try me.

[59:36] It's history in the making.

[59:37] And in the faking.

[59:38] And it's all yours for the taking.

S4

[59:40] Hey, good girls.

[59:42] Do you want to just say, hey, I want to?

[59:45] Just say, hey, I want to.

Dan McCoy

[59:48] But now we move on to everyone's favorite segment, letters from listeners.

[59:55] You write them.

[59:57] We write them.

[1:00:01] Well, wait.

[1:00:01] No, you really.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:03] Make up a word, Dr. Seuss.

[1:00:09] We're running long, so we don't have time for a song that rhymed anyway.

[1:00:11] Let's go.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:12] So the first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] I'm like Nipsey Russell.

[1:00:15] First letter.

[1:00:18] First letter.

[1:00:20] It's the letter.

[1:00:21] The letter with the Midas touch.

[1:00:25] And it goes like this.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:26] A letter's touch.

[1:00:29] Dear Peaches.

[1:00:30] Say you're arrested for a murder you didn't commit.

[1:00:33] Or hey, maybe you did commit it.

[1:00:34] I'm not here to judge.

[1:00:36] Either way, you're entitled to legal representation.

[1:00:38] Which attorney, from within all of fiction, do you pick to defend you?

[1:00:41] Sincerely, Benjamin, last name withheld.

[1:00:43] I think I know where Elliot's going to go with this.

[1:00:47] But, uh...

[1:00:48] Well, but you go first then.

[1:00:50] Uh, sure.

[1:00:53] A, uh...

[1:00:54] Why not Jimmy Stewart from Anatomy of a Murderer?

[1:00:57] That's pretty good.

[1:00:58] I mean, I don't want to give any spoilers for that film, but, uh...

[1:01:03] Pretty good, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:04] Pretty good lawyer.

[1:01:05] But he's a pretty good lawyer.

[1:01:06] But like...

[1:01:07] Like many movies about lawyers, he loses at the end.

[1:01:12] And he plays jazz piano.

[1:01:14] I actually wonder who you think I was going to say.

[1:01:16] Because I think I might say the same person Stewart was going to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:19] I was going to say Dan Fielding from Night Court.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:20] That's not what I was going to say.

[1:01:22] That's a good choice.

[1:01:23] I was going to say Phoenix Wright.

[1:01:24] Attorney of Law.

[1:01:25] Oh, that's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:27] Overruled.

[1:01:27] Oh, I thought maybe you were going to go with Daniel Webster.

[1:01:29] One of your favorite movies.

[1:01:31] Here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:01:34] But here's the problem.

[1:01:35] Daniel Webster, if you watch that movie, he's the hero and he gives a great speech.

[1:01:39] He does not win that case on the merits.

[1:01:42] By all rights, that guy is the devil's property.

[1:01:45] He does some legal tomfoolery.

[1:01:47] He kind of bamboozles that jury of the damned into releasing the guy for sentimental reasons.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:53] I mean, I feel like the best lawyer is the one that gets results.

[1:01:55] For sentimental reasons.

[1:01:57] The Pepe Le Pew cartoon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:58] He shows them a Pepe Le Pew cartoon and he says,

[1:02:01] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in a world where a skunk can rape a cat,

[1:02:04] is what my client did really that bad?

[1:02:07] And they said, release him.

[1:02:10] The same way that, I don't like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:12] That's a, they can do that sentence?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:15] I think so.

[1:02:16] We sentence him to release.

[1:02:18] We sentence him to full release.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:20] Yeah, we find the defendant, release him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:24] In young Mr. Lincoln, even though it's based on a true story,

[1:02:28] I don't like it because it makes Lincoln out to be kind of like a shyster lawyer

[1:02:31] who just badgers a witness into admitting they're not sure.

[1:02:36] See, I think that...

[1:02:37] Even though he was kind of, I mean, he was a lawyer, so he had to do slick stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:41] That's the thing.

[1:02:42] I feel like you're putting these moral judgments on these lawyers

[1:02:45] when I feel like it kind of makes me admire them more.

[1:02:48] I guess you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:49] When I want to get off this charge for murdering you,

[1:02:53] I just, it's not that I've said too much.

[1:02:55] Back up.

[1:02:56] No, no, no, that's not what I want to talk about that.

[1:02:58] You're right.

[1:02:58] I'm just looking for a guy to get me off.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:00] And you know what I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:02] I'm not necessarily looking for the...

[1:03:04] You slam that beaver.

[1:03:06] I'm not necessarily looking for the most noble lawyer.

[1:03:11] So yeah, maybe I would go Daniel Webster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:12] Or Dan Fielding.

[1:03:14] Sure.

[1:03:14] On the subject of beaver slamming.

[1:03:16] With two Dans.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:17] So, the next letter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:19] And for our third Dan, Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:21] Goes like this.

[1:03:23] Dan in real life.

[1:03:23] Letter number two.

[1:03:24] I have to commend you on your recent discussion.

[1:03:27] Recent, that means, I don't know.

[1:03:29] It's like 100 episodes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:30] Any time within the past century.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:32] Your recent discussion.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:33] Recent, in geologic terms, discussion.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:36] Rules.

[1:03:36] Time has strange properties in the flop house.

[1:03:41] Rules for 90s kids.

[1:03:43] When it comes to watching soft core sex comedies.

[1:03:45] And erotic thrillers.

[1:03:47] Your advice will no doubt provide guidance.

[1:03:49] For those of us who operate in a world without dial-up.

[1:03:52] As a fellow purposeoid.

[1:03:53] I felt it would be beneficial to add my own rules.

[1:03:56] To aid my fellow travelers.

[1:03:59] Rule number one.

[1:04:00] While at your local video store.

[1:04:01] Check the back of the video boxes.

[1:04:03] To determine a rental.

[1:04:04] If it's unrated.

[1:04:05] You've hit the jackpot.

[1:04:06] For wherever erotic thrillers.

[1:04:07] With the telltale R rating.

[1:04:10] This means.

[1:04:10] Horrifically edited sex scenes.

[1:04:12] That primarily focus on windows.

[1:04:14] Set to unpleasant saxophone solos.

[1:04:16] Avoid at all costs.

[1:04:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:18] Go with an unrated movie like U-Turn.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:22] As an added bonus.

[1:04:23] If it's a horror movie that's unrated.

[1:04:25] That means there's a pretty good chance.

[1:04:27] That there will be lots more gore.

[1:04:28] And Cenobites.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:30] So don't be a dork.

[1:04:31] And pass out that gold line.

[1:04:32] Said that weird.

[1:04:32] That's true.

[1:04:33] Well no.

[1:04:33] But it's true.

[1:04:34] Jack Valencia did put in a rule for the NBA.

[1:04:37] That Cenobites equals an instant X rating.

[1:04:39] Yeah.

[1:04:40] That's why NC-17 stands for.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:42] That sounds like a clip movie of Hellraiser movies.

[1:04:45] Cenobites of Cenobites.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:48] That's what NC-17 stands for.

[1:04:50] No Cenobites for anyone under 17.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:54] Rule number two.

[1:04:55] As Elliot suggested.

[1:04:56] USA Apple Night can be even better than some of the stuff you'll find at your local video store.

[1:05:01] Remember.

[1:05:01] The sensors can blur out breasts.

[1:05:03] And they cut out sex scenes.

[1:05:04] But for whatever reason.

[1:05:05] They can never got around to.

[1:05:07] They never got around to thongs and G-strings.

[1:05:09] May God bless them for their oversight.

[1:05:12] Rule number three.

[1:05:13] For the curious.

[1:05:14] The world of softcore sex comedies and erotic thrillers.

[1:05:16] Can prove to be an exciting learning experience.

[1:05:19] Did you know that the memorable sex scene in Payback, which features Joan Severance and a mustachioed C.

[1:05:25] Tom's Howell going at it on top of a kitchen counter.

[1:05:27] What?

[1:05:27] Is a witty homage to the remake of A Postman Always Wings Twice featuring Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange.

[1:05:34] Congratulations.

[1:05:35] Now you're a film historian.

[1:05:38] Rule number four.

[1:05:40] This is by far the most important rule.

[1:05:42] If you stay up all night watching HBO in the hopes.

[1:05:44] You stay up all night.

[1:05:47] Watching HBO in the hopes of catching Inside Club Wildside.

[1:05:51] And instead get stuck watching Autopsy 4.

[1:05:55] Or an inside look at the making of The Late Shift.

[1:05:57] Never fear.

[1:05:59] If you last a little while longer, you can either catch The Adventures of Tintin or Babar coming on at around 5 a.m.

[1:06:07] Even in defeat, you could be a winner.

[1:06:09] Josh, last name with hope.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:10] That's a very lived rule, that last one.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:14] Yeah, that is a lived in email.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:16] At the very least, maybe an episode of Dream On is going to come on.

[1:06:20] Where you can watch HBO First Look, the Hudsucker Proxy.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:23] You can watch Brian Benben running around and mugging.

[1:06:25] And then one set of breasts, maybe.

[1:06:28] Or two, possibly.

[1:06:29] If it's in the same scene.

[1:06:31] Oh, yeah.

[1:06:33] You sure star Brian Benben.

[1:06:36] I mean, you started in that show.

[1:06:37] America's Sweetheart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:38] I mean, really the star of that show was breasts.

[1:06:40] And old public domain television clips.

[1:06:44] Those were some very well thought out rules.

[1:06:46] And if only I had known them when I was 14.

[1:06:49] Instead of having to find them myself.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:51] Yeah.

[1:06:52] So, I believe these two emails were referring back, perhaps to the same episode.

[1:06:59] This is from Mark's letter.

[1:06:59] Which letter is this?

[1:07:00] Mark last name withheld.

[1:07:02] Three or four.

[1:07:02] Who knows?

[1:07:02] Numbers have lost all meaning now.

[1:07:03] Number three.

[1:07:06] From Mark last name withheld.

[1:07:07] It's titled...

[1:07:08] Knopfler.

[1:07:08] Bikini movies.

[1:07:09] What?

[1:07:11] Bikini movies.

[1:07:11] Get out of here.

[1:07:13] It's titled Bikini movies.

[1:07:14] You keep talking.

[1:07:15] Yeah.

[1:07:15] Dear Floppers.

[1:07:17] I was following.

[1:07:19] I was following your advice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:21] That's my favorite Kevin Bacon show.

[1:07:22] The Flallowing.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:26] It's about a guy who follows a flock of birds.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:29] Because one of them is a killer.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:31] I was following your advice about finding a good movie.

[1:07:33] Looking for keywords like school, academy, and especially bikini.

[1:07:38] With this in mind, I sat myself down, got myself comfortable, and readied myself to watch

[1:07:42] what was sure to be a raucous ride to Boop Town with Bikini Atoll,

[1:07:47] nuclear test footage in color.

[1:07:49] No.

[1:07:50] Now, normally, this sort of thing is in my particular cup of tea.

[1:07:53] First off, there was no sound.

[1:07:54] This was easily remedied by putting on an old Herb Alpert Tijuana Brass LP.

[1:07:59] Second, there were no boobtacular ladies to be seen.

[1:08:03] Not even a single person of any kind.

[1:08:05] Instead, I bore witness to the ultimate perversion.

[1:08:08] Man using his clever, creative brain to wreak ultimate havoc upon the world.

[1:08:12] I give it an 8 out of 10.

[1:08:14] So that was from Mark last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] When all that test footage of model houses being destroyed by the A-bomb,

[1:08:20] and their roofs being torn off, is that really that different from the end of Zapped?

[1:08:23] Yeah.

[1:08:24] When he's using his mental powers to rip ladies' dresses off?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:26] He learned.

[1:08:27] There's that moment at the end of Zapped where he merges with a singularity,

[1:08:32] and he joins time itself, and he finds Tetsuo on the other side.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:37] In Ketsuhiro Otomo's Zapped.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:40] He learned that there were no bikinis at all.

[1:08:43] Dan, I think this next letter...

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:45] Well, wow, I didn't realize Noel Coward was here.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:51] You can't see this at home, listeners, but Elliot was about to move his glasses in and out,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:58] and I, whoa!

[1:08:59] Like a boi-o-yoing sort of thing.

[1:09:00] Yeah.

[1:09:01] Are we on...

[1:09:02] This is letter number four, right?

[1:09:03] This is letter number four.

[1:09:04] So, letter number four.

[1:09:06] You're the fourth letter.

[1:09:07] That means you win two tickets to Agent 47.

[1:09:10] Wait, what?

[1:09:11] Just come on down to the flop house and pick up your two tickets to a screening of Agent 47 now in theaters.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:17] Don't understand.

[1:09:18] We didn't agree on this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:21] So, I bought two tickets to Hitman Agent 47.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:26] And I'm trying to unload them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:28] I mean, usually when you buy movie tickets, you can't just use them for whatever.

[1:09:32] Wait, it doesn't have my fucking name on it.

[1:09:35] Fine, you can take my ID with you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] Yeah, it's not Corbin Dall's multi-pass.

[1:09:41] That's not the objection that I was bringing up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:43] By the way, that fucking multi-pass is available.

[1:09:46] You can buy the original multi-pass that they use to...

[1:09:50] Yeah, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:52] Stuart, you brought up an interesting point before, though.

[1:09:55] Why has no one on the internet done a zapped Akira mashup?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:58] I don't know.

[1:09:59] Laziness.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:01] You have to assume.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:02] So, this last letter of the evening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:04] It reminds me of the time I had to go to Twitter to personally request somebody make an animated GIF of Boba Fett falling in the Sarlacc.

[1:10:11] With the text, nothing but Fett on the top of it.

[1:10:15] How long did that take?

[1:10:17] I took somebody probably three minutes.

[1:10:19] But the fact that I had to demand that from the internet didn't already exist.

[1:10:23] Come on.

[1:10:23] Shocking.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:25] Last letter.

[1:10:26] Dearest Peaches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:27] There's a Simpsons-Akira mashup comic book.

[1:10:29] I mean, come on.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:31] Dearest Peaches.

[1:10:33] I'm afraid the package of hand-stitched underwear, personalized for each view, that I mailed was returned to me as undeliverable.

[1:10:40] Is 444 Flophouse Drive, Flophouse New York not correct?

[1:10:44] Mm-mm.

[1:10:44] I have now mailed them package to...

[1:10:46] 1, 2, 3, Fake Street.

[1:10:47] 5, 5, 5, Flophouse Way.

[1:10:49] Flophouse America, Flophouse USA.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:52] Flophouse USA would totally have been our TV show.

[1:10:56] Which was a dance party show.

[1:10:58] Still could be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:59] Do not go to that address to pick up your Hitman tickets.

[1:11:02] Hitman Agent 47 in theaters now.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:05] I feel like Stuart's getting a taste of Hitman 47, that we're not getting to wet our beak in the same way on this.

[1:11:14] That's better.

[1:11:15] In case they don't make it through, I will describe the underwear to you.

[1:11:18] First off, they are all tighty-whities.

[1:11:21] Now for Dan, hand-stitched across the butt in a fart cloud, the word sigh.

[1:11:27] For Elliot...

[1:11:28] That's where the sighs come from.

[1:11:30] Hand-stitched across the crotch, here's the deal.

[1:11:33] For Stuart, hand-stitched across the crotch, reminder to self, do not rip off own ding-dong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:40] But it's gotta be upside down so he can read it.

[1:11:43] Oh no!

Dan McCoy

[1:11:44] You might think this is too many characters across a person's crotch.

[1:11:48] And you'd be right, for your average man.

[1:11:50] There's plenty of material in Stuart's underwear.

[1:11:52] You better believe it.

[1:11:54] I like them baggy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:55] I like my tighty-whities extra baggy.

[1:11:58] BJ last name.

[1:11:58] His room down there.

[1:11:59] Walter White style.

[1:12:02] I like to think that it's like the inside of the houses in Rats of Nim.

[1:12:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:09] So thank you.

[1:12:12] Thank you for that underwear we didn't receive.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:15] The descriptions almost make it worthwhile.

[1:12:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:18] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:18] I mean, I feel like I'm wearing them right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:21] That doesn't disqualify you from the Hitman Agent 47 contest, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:24] Instead of wearing the underwear of a dead man...

[1:12:27] What?

[1:12:28] I had to have an underwear transplant.

[1:12:29] And they gave me the underwear from a serial killer.

[1:12:32] Oh no!

[1:12:33] At night, I think my butt has been murdering people.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:36] That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:39] But I want to watch the rest.

[1:12:42] But only once every couple of weeks when I'm wearing that pair of underwear.

[1:12:46] You're going to pay for the whole seat.

[1:12:48] Wait, how often do you wash your underwear?

[1:12:50] I've got a lot of pairs of underwear to avoid underwear washing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] Like multiple drawers worth or just one big one?

[1:12:56] Yeah, multiple drawers.

[1:12:57] One big drawer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:59] It's underwear.

[1:13:00] Oh boy.

[1:13:00] Anyway, as I was going to say about my underwear transplant movie, you're going to pay for your

[1:13:04] whole seat, but you're not going to use any of it because you're going to walk out.

[1:13:07] Okay.

[1:13:11] So, Dan, tell us more about your extensive underwear collection.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:14] Which you realize is literally a thing that...

[1:13:16] You act as if you have a headache from me talking about it when Stuart asked me about it.

[1:13:20] I didn't bring it up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:21] Literally a characteristic that Tom Servo has in Mystery Science Theater 3000, the movie,

[1:13:25] to show that he is boring.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:28] I always said that I felt like I was sort of a Tom Servo character, but no one believes me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:32] I think you're the host, though.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:33] I think Stuart's crow, I'm Tom, and you're the human.

[1:13:37] Oh, I think you're crow.

[1:13:39] I can be the human.

[1:13:40] If I'm not Tom, then I'm Joel.

[1:13:43] Yeah, well, you're more Joel than Mike.

[1:13:45] Yeah.

[1:13:45] Except you're Midwestern like Mike.

[1:13:47] Maybe.

[1:13:48] Like Mike.

[1:13:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:50] The hit movie.

[1:13:50] Yeah.

[1:13:51] About the kid with magic shoes.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:52] Yeah.

[1:13:53] I'm sort of a Joel Servo combo.

[1:13:54] Who's the bad guy in that?

[1:13:55] Crispin Glover?

[1:13:56] Is there a bad guy?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:57] Yeah, Crispin Glover, I think, is the bad guy in that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:59] It's hard to imagine a bad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:00] Christopher Walgans is the bad guy in the Country Bears movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:03] Yeah, well, that there's a bad guy in that.

[1:14:05] Of course there's a bad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:07] That's the thing.

[1:14:08] In the world of opposites, when you have Alpha and Omega, when you have a power for good

[1:14:13] as strong as the fucking Country Bears, you need an equally powerful force of evil to oppose

[1:14:20] them.

[1:14:21] Otherwise, it won't make sense.

[1:14:22] There won't be balance in the universe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:23] The weird thing is, he's playing the same character he played in Annie Hall, Diane Keaton's

[1:14:27] brother.

[1:14:28] Yeah, that's the strange thing.

[1:14:29] He grew up and became the evil villain who's going to stop the Country Bears.

[1:14:33] Some jamboreeing, I guess.

[1:14:36] Yes.

[1:14:36] Yeah.

[1:14:38] Dan, how come they never made a movie out of the Kitchen Cabaret?

[1:14:42] What's that?

[1:14:43] You don't know what the Kitchen Cabaret is?

[1:14:44] I don't.

[1:14:45] Oh, it's one of those animatronic shows they used to have at Disney, where a lot of foods

[1:14:48] would come out and sing about different types of nutrition.

[1:14:50] That sounds fantastic.

[1:14:52] The whole video's up on YouTube.

[1:14:54] When you're done watching The Leatherman, go look it up.

[1:14:58] Once again, don't Google Leatherman.

[1:15:00] Don't.

[1:15:01] Don't Google Leatherman.

[1:15:02] Yeah, why not?

[1:15:03] I don't know what you're into.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:04] Yeah, sure.

[1:15:05] No, you're right.

[1:15:06] Yeah.

[1:15:07] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:08] So now's the time on the Flophouse where we recommend a movie that we saw recently, or not so recently.

[1:15:15] It's called Guardian of the Highlands.

[1:15:18] That we liked.

[1:15:20] That you should watch instead of wasting your lives like we do.

[1:15:24] I'm going to recommend a big fat recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:28] I'm going to recommend a four-hour documentary titled Never Sleep Again.

[1:15:34] It's a documentary about Nightmare on Elm Street.

[1:15:37] It's on Netflix right now, so you can watch it for free.

[1:15:40] Just drag it over into your little queue.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:42] If you're already paying for Netflix.

[1:15:43] No, that's not how it works.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:43] And then you click on the watch.

[1:15:46] Watch it now.

[1:15:47] And then it will show up into your email inbox.

[1:15:50] You click accept, of course.

[1:15:52] Do not click disagree.

[1:15:55] So click accept, and then the movie will begin streaming.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:58] The two options are accept or disagree.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:04] And then what you need to do is jack in.

[1:16:07] Yeah, just free jack into that.

[1:16:09] Free jack into it, and it will begin streaming directly in.

[1:16:12] Just contact your Shadowrunner.

[1:16:14] Into your wetware.

[1:16:15] It's wetware because it's built into your body.

[1:16:17] It would be hardware if it was outside.

[1:16:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:20] Just set it up on your existence system.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:22] Now, part of the reason I recommend this is because it's great.

[1:16:25] And another reason is because it's a great, you know, it's all about the history of Nightmare on Elm Street.

[1:16:30] So it's great to see like an in-depth look at a fairly important horror franchise.

[1:16:36] It's great to see interviews with Wes Craven, who just passed away recently.

[1:16:42] And it's great to see Wes Craven both talk very enthusiastically about the Nightmare films that he worked on.

[1:16:48] And also kind of how like classy he was when talking about the stuff that he didn't agree with.

[1:16:53] Like the stuff in Nightmare 2 and et cetera.

[1:16:57] And of course, anything, any moment that Robert Englund is on screen in this thing is fucking pure gold.

[1:17:04] Because that guy is a treasure.

[1:17:06] Yeah.

[1:17:07] Also, watch People Under the Stairs.

[1:17:09] That's another Wes Craven movie.

[1:17:11] That's two recommendations there.

[1:17:13] Because that's the original Leatherman, if you ask me.

[1:17:16] Wes Craven?

[1:17:17] No.

[1:17:18] The bad guy in People Under the Stairs.

[1:17:20] He's dressed up in like a weird leather daddy outfit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:22] Even though he came like a hundred years after the original Leatherman.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:25] The hobo that won't.

[1:17:26] How long?

[1:17:27] I don't know the fucking story of the Leatherman.

[1:17:29] I haven't watched this documentary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:30] You are in for a treat, my friend.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:33] He likes begging for pies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:35] And living in caves.

[1:17:36] Didn't like people that much.

[1:17:37] Might have been French.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:39] I wanted to recommend a movie.

[1:17:42] Sorry, we're out of time.

[1:17:43] I liked so much.

[1:17:44] I forgot to recommend it last week.

[1:17:46] This is what I was going to recommend.

[1:17:48] It's called Cop Car.

[1:17:51] Cop Car?

[1:17:53] Cop Car.

[1:17:54] It barely got a theatrical release.

[1:17:56] I think it's theoretically still in theaters somewhere.

[1:18:01] But I saw it on demand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:02] It's doing a lot of business streaming.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:05] Yeah, on streaming is where I saw it.

[1:18:07] And it stars Kevin Bacon as a...

[1:18:12] He's a car.

[1:18:15] He's a sheriff.

[1:18:16] He's a corrupt sheriff who loses his cop car that has a body in the trunk.

[1:18:21] To two children who come across this car and steal it as sort of just, you know, like they're little kids.

[1:18:31] They're like, oh, it's cool.

[1:18:32] We found a cop car abandoned.

[1:18:34] Like, this is ours now.

[1:18:35] We can pretend we're cops.

[1:18:37] And Kevin Bacon is great in it because he walks this line between being very menacing and sort of like this panicked buffoon who lost his police car and is doing everything to get it back.

[1:18:52] But the ways he tries to get it back, he's like, he's a very smart villain who is in control of the situation until he's not.

[1:19:03] Until, like, things get away from him.

[1:19:06] And it's a movie that's sort of similar to something like Blood Simple or Blue Ruin.

[1:19:11] It's not as good as either of those quite.

[1:19:14] But it's, you know, a young or I don't know how young, but a new filmmaker like doing a stripped down thriller to sort of show what he can do.

[1:19:25] And what he can do is very impressive.

[1:19:26] And also one of the things that's kind of thrilling about the movie is that it's really not afraid to put small children in danger, which is a trigger for a lot of people.

[1:19:38] But if you kind of enjoy that sort of ruthlessness in your thriller, like it's...

[1:19:44] You enjoy seeing kids in danger.

[1:19:46] Yeah, watch Goonies, dude.

[1:19:48] No, I know what you mean.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:49] It ups the stakes of the film.

[1:19:50] It's not afraid to pull punches.

[1:19:52] Watch the witches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:54] There are all people in trouble.

[1:19:56] There are kids and witches.

[1:19:58] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:59] And the director of that, Cop Car, got him the next Spider-Man movie directing gig.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:05] Because that's the way movies work now is someone shows promise in a small movie.

[1:20:09] Yeah, now.

[1:20:10] This is the first time it works.

[1:20:12] And they're ruined by some huge superhero or monster franchise.

[1:20:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:16] But I really enjoyed the movie a lot.

[1:20:20] That's my recommendation.

[1:20:20] I'd like to see that one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:22] I have two movies I recommend real quick.

[1:20:24] One new and one old.

[1:20:26] But both about guys with emotional instabilities and mental instabilities.

[1:20:30] The first is a movie that's out now called The End of the Tour.

[1:20:35] Starring Jason Segel and Jesse Eisenberg.

[1:20:37] About David Foster Wallace.

[1:20:41] An author who I have not read that much of.

[1:20:44] I have to admit.

[1:20:45] This made me more interested in reading his stuff.

[1:20:48] And is just a...

[1:20:49] But you always complain about his outfits.

[1:20:51] Yeah, well part of the reason I never read his stuff was because I hated the way he dressed.

[1:20:55] Which is shallow of me.

[1:20:56] And I felt especially bad after he committed suicide.

[1:20:59] But hey, look.

[1:21:01] I don't like guys with long hair with bandanas and stuff.

[1:21:04] You know.

[1:21:04] But anyway.

[1:21:05] He knows what you likes and it's not that.

[1:21:08] Yep.

[1:21:09] That's for sure.

[1:21:09] But I thought it was a really good movie about two guys who are creative individuals.

[1:21:14] Who are not getting out of their creative output.

[1:21:17] What they think they should be getting.

[1:21:19] Or what they hope to get.

[1:21:20] For Eisenberg's character it's fame and attention and respect.

[1:21:25] And for Jason Segel's character, David Foster Wallace.

[1:21:27] It's I guess emotional wholeness.

[1:21:30] You know.

[1:21:30] Or a feeling of belonging in the world.

[1:21:33] And the movie is mostly just conversation between these two people as they go.

[1:21:37] As Eisenberg, who's a reporter for Rolling Stone, follows David Foster Wallace at the end of his book tour for Infinite Jest.

[1:21:44] And I thought it was really good.

[1:21:45] The only thing I didn't like about it was at the end there's music used on the soundtrack in a way that I found overbearing and emotionally manipulative.

[1:21:53] But until that moment I was really enjoying it a lot.

[1:21:57] It's that third eye blind song, right?

[1:22:00] That's exactly the one.

[1:22:03] And I'd recommend that.

[1:22:05] The other movie I'm going to recommend real quick is an older movie called Mirage.

[1:22:09] With Gregory Peck and Diane Baker and Walter Matthau.

[1:22:12] Which is a...

[1:22:13] It was directed by Edward Dimitric.

[1:22:16] Who was kind of a second tier Hollywood director.

[1:22:19] Never one of my favorites.

[1:22:19] Although he has a good eye for shadows.

[1:22:22] And it feels very much like a Hitchcock type movie.

[1:22:27] And it was written by the same guy who wrote Charade right after Charade.

[1:22:30] And Walter Matthau and George Kennedy are both in it like they were in Charade.

[1:22:33] And it's not quite as good as Charade.

[1:22:35] And in many ways it's almost like a not quite as good Manchurian candidate.

[1:22:40] But Gregory Peck is an American kind of New York businessman type in the mid-60s.

[1:22:46] He realizes that he doesn't remember anything about his life before a certain day.

[1:22:52] And has to figure things out because he's on the run and some people are trying to kill him.

[1:22:56] Like Jason Bourne.

[1:22:57] Kind of.

[1:22:58] Except with a lot less shaky camera.

[1:23:00] Okay.

[1:23:01] A lot of the exteriors were shot on location in New York.

[1:23:04] So there's a lot of great footage of New York in 1965.

[1:23:07] Or 64.

[1:23:08] Whenever they shot it.

[1:23:10] And it's just that there's a lot of good funny lines in it and good scenes.

[1:23:14] It's one of those movies where it's much better before you know what's going on.

[1:23:19] Where like it's great to see Gregory Peck just being confronted by strange things.

[1:23:23] And people trying to stop him.

[1:23:24] And he doesn't really know what's going on.

[1:23:26] But it's still enjoyable all the way through.

[1:23:28] Anyway.

[1:23:29] So it's not the most amazing movie in the world.

[1:23:31] But I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:23:33] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:34] Fine.

[1:23:35] We did it.

[1:23:36] All three of us.

[1:23:37] Together.

[1:23:38] We certainly did.

[1:23:39] Five movie recommendations.

[1:23:42] Six if you count Guardian of the Highlands.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:45] Yeah.

[1:23:47] An embarrassment of riches.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:50] So pull up Netflix.

[1:23:53] Oh God.

[1:23:53] And just zoom in.

[1:23:56] Enhance.

[1:23:57] Enhance computer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:58] Okay.

[1:23:58] Now turn around.

[1:24:00] Good.

[1:24:01] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:01] Slower.

[1:24:02] Wow.

[1:24:03] Now use your little power glove to grab onto the Netflix button.

[1:24:08] Okay.

[1:24:08] Drag it into your main menu.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:10] Okay.

[1:24:12] You're going to have to go through a virtual world and open up a virtual filing cabinet to find the file for the movie.

[1:24:18] You're going to want to bang that title.

[1:24:21] Come on, Dan.

[1:24:22] Enough of your crazy nonsense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:25] Yeah.

[1:24:26] Why don't we just ask Jeeves about it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:28] Why don't we just pets.com this thing?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:31] Well, it's been fun, guys.

[1:24:34] It's been a wild ride.

[1:24:35] Oh, yeah.

[1:24:36] Urban fetish.

[1:24:37] Our first small timber movie of the year.

[1:24:41] Smallvember.

[1:24:41] And it's been kind of a great bikini off-road adventure for us.

[1:24:44] But we have to say goodbye for now.

[1:24:47] We're the Flophouse.

[1:24:48] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:24:49] This guy is Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:52] And over here, Elliot Kalin saying thanks for listening all the way through.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:55] Good night, everyone.

[1:24:56] Fart.

[1:24:58] Thanks for ruining that, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:59] You had a nice thing and you ruined it.

[1:25:01] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:07] So, man, we got some sizzle reel material here.

[1:25:10] The reel is sizzling.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:13] Tight five.

[1:25:15] Okay.

[1:25:15] I don't think that means what you think of me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:17] It's five minutes of sizzling reel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] Yep.

[1:25:20] Reel sizzling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:22] So, tonight we talked about...

[1:25:25] We talked about?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:26] Hold on.

[1:25:27] Yeah, let's do the intro.

[1:25:28] It hasn't happened yet.

[1:25:28] Don't pass tenses.

[1:25:29] Why don't you start off?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:32] Wait.

[1:25:32] So, I say...

[1:25:34] Tonight on the Flophouse, we talked about...

[1:25:37] No.

[1:25:37] We haven't talked about it yet.

[1:25:39] Okay.

[1:25:41] Wait, I got it.

[1:25:42] Tonight on the Flophouse, we watched about...

[1:25:45] Guardian of the Highlands.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:47] Yeah, we went on Walkabout.

[1:25:49] And we saw a weird movie with beavers and rabbits and Sean Connery.

[1:25:53] Um, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:57] Maximumfun.org.

[1:25:58] Comedy and culture.

[1:25:59] Artist owned.

[1:26:00] Listener supported.

[1:26:03] Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

[1:26:05] Ross.

S4

[1:26:06] Hi, Carrie.

[1:26:06] What do you think is creepier?

[1:26:08] Okay.

[1:26:08] You jump into a swimming pool.

[1:26:11] All of a sudden, the water goes away.

[1:26:13] And instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors.

[1:26:18] Or our show.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:19] That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism.

S4

[1:26:23] We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis where we had to worship a naked lady.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:27] Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult.

[1:26:28] They were scary.

S4

[1:26:30] Super creepy.

[1:26:30] We joined the Ethere Society.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:32] We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did.

S4

[1:26:34] Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement.

[1:26:36] We have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing except for thousands more, which we will

[1:26:42] get to if you listen to our show.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:43] I'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors' bones.

S4

[1:26:46] Well, then I don't even know if people should listen.

[1:26:48] I guess they shouldn't.

[1:26:49] But if you want to, we're at Maximum Fun, and the show's called Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

Ep. #186 - Guardian of the Highlands

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