Ep. #188 - Unfriended

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we watched Unfriended.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] Wait, are we not friends anymore?

[0:06] Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

[0:09] Scared, scared, scared.

[0:10] Because the scariest thing about friendship is losing it.

[0:13] Oh, okay.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:49] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] Oh, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:58] It's like you were an illiterate person signing your mark on a contract,

[1:01] but instead it was that you can't talk, so you open a beer.

[1:04] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:06] Dan, why are we so much spookier tonight?

[1:10] Or today, if you're listening it during the day, which I wouldn't recommend.

[1:16] It's the most magical time of the year.

Dan McCoy

[1:20] Shocktober.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] Oh, the long-awaited month where we watch all horror movies

[1:24] as opposed to merely mostly horror movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] It's been a while since we watched horror movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29] The spirit of Shocktober flies around tossing gifts into your ears.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] That's how it works.

[1:36] How?

[1:37] That's what I learned at Sunday school.

Dan McCoy

[1:40] Like, what sort of gifts does it toss into your ears?

Stuart Wellington

[1:43] Uh, fucking podcasts.

[1:44] Like this one.

[1:45] And some bananas.

[1:47] Some bananas, which is definitely not a podcast.

[1:51] The most...

[1:51] Not my banana podcast where I eat a banana and then review it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56] It's called simply bananas, that much.

[1:58] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:59] This banana is plain-tain.

[2:03] Or plantain.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] What I love about it is the audience can...

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] That's a five out of ten.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] The audience can never like...

[2:10] Oh, I heard that banana was good.

[2:12] I'll try it.

[2:13] You ate it.

[2:13] It's gone.

Stuart Wellington

[2:17] That's the thing.

[2:18] You're always chasing the next banana.

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] You might as well do a podcast where you're reviewing the weather.

[2:23] It's like, today was pretty nice.

[2:25] Okay, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that information now.

[2:29] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[2:31] Um...

[2:31] So what do we do on this podcast we're talking about?

[2:33] Oh, sorry.

[2:34] Uh, I was...

[2:34] We don't review bananas.

[2:35] I was enjoying that.

[2:36] That would be crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] Or another word for crazy, bananas.

[2:41] No, uh, on this podcast...

[2:42] As Gwen Stefani reminded us.

[2:45] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] We watched bad...

[2:46] When she married Gavin Rossdale.

Dan McCoy

[2:49] That shit is bananas.

[2:51] Uh, we watched bad movie and we talk about it.

[2:54] And tonight we watched...

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] And in Shocktober, what do we do in Shocktober?

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Well, we watch horror movies because it's the spookiest time of the year.

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] I'll tell you what I think is the scariest time of the year.

[3:04] Tax season.

[3:05] Oh, brother.

[3:06] Oh, man, don't get him started.

[3:07] So am I ready for the blue collar comedy tour yet?

[3:09] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] Well, I mean, there needs to be more, I don't know, stuff about the color of your neck.

[3:16] What if I did like this?

[3:17] Or what kind of vehicles you have on blocks up in your...

Elliott Kalan

[3:18] I'll tell you what my truck thinks is the scariest time of NASCAR.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:22] Tax season.

[3:23] There you go.

[3:25] Mm-hmm.

[3:25] And what if I end it with a yuck?

[3:28] Um, so...

[3:29] Don't patronize me.

[3:31] Sorry.

[3:33] Uh...

[3:33] So, Shocktober.

[3:35] Scary movies.

[3:35] We watched a movie tonight.

[3:37] Now we're gonna talk about it.

[3:38] Yeah.

[3:38] Dan, take it away.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] We're all shivering on the couch, clutching each other for comfort.

[3:42] Clutching our pearls.

[3:44] Hoping that a robber would not steal them in the dark.

[3:48] Uh, we watched a movie called Unfriended.

[3:52] A horror movie.

[3:53] Unfriendable.

[3:53] For the digital age.

Stuart Wellington

[3:56] Yeah, I believe you're talking about...

[3:57] Whoa, shit.

[3:58] Did you just read the poster?

Elliott Kalan

[3:59] I believe you're referring to Dee Snider's Strangelands, Dan.

[4:03] Oh, I thought I was talking about Fear.com.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] I thought you were talking about Lawnmower Man 2, The Revenge of Job.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] I thought you were talking about Cyber Howl.

[4:12] An online werewolf movie I just made up.

[4:15] Here's the thing.

[4:16] He turns into a werewolf online.

Dan McCoy

[4:19] HTTP colon backslash backscash scare.

[4:23] Yeah, backslash backscash.

Stuart Wellington

[4:26] What's a backscash?

Dan McCoy

[4:28] Is that like an H.P. Lovecraft?

[4:30] You know what?

[4:31] Backslash would be a pretty good name for a horror movie.

[4:33] Backslash is a pretty good name of horror movie, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:35] www.ampire.com.

[4:38] Wait, what?

[4:39] Yeah, like a Romanian vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] Oh, I see.

[4:42] The W's become...

[4:43] I thought it was www.ampire-like empire.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] That's my off-brand empire fan site.

Elliott Kalan

[4:52] Spookumups.gov.

[4:55] America on scared.

[4:59] That's terrible.

[5:01] Okay, well, what about...

[5:03] CompuScare.

[5:05] Yeah, there you go.

[5:06] Prodigy, but scary.

Dan McCoy

[5:09] Angel fires of hell.

[5:12] Netscar.

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Boogans.biz.

[5:15] Really a .biz domain name?

Dan McCoy

[5:18] Okay.

[5:18] It's a business.

[5:20] Corpse.pizza.

[5:22] Wait, there's a pizza?

[5:24] Look it up.

[5:25] One of those modern...

[5:26] Families.

[5:27] Yeah.

[5:27] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[5:29] Yeah, so let's fire this fucking thing up.

[5:32] Unfriended isn't...

[5:33] Welcome to the podcast, everybody.

[5:34] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[5:35] I'm Stuart Willingtown.

Dan McCoy

[5:37] And I'm the ghost with the most...

[5:40] Beetlejuice?

[5:41] Yep.

[5:42] Wow, that's a huge gift.

[5:43] You said my name three times.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] I only said it once, and it was after you showed up.

[5:47] I said Candyman three times.

[5:49] You showed up.

[5:50] I'm talking to your manager.

[5:51] He's busy.

[5:51] This is not the ghost I ordered.

Dan McCoy

[5:53] He sent me.

[5:54] He's got stuff to do.

[5:55] He's making a personal appearance in Vegas.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] And you didn't put a notification on your site that Candyman would be unavailable for

[6:03] the day?

Dan McCoy

[6:04] He figured that I was pretty good.

[6:06] I was a pretty good replacement.

[6:08] I mean, you're great.

[6:09] I love you, Beetlejuice.

[6:10] You're great.

[6:10] So you're not a Candyman.

[6:11] Yeah, you're pretty great.

Stuart Wellington

[6:17] Mr. Candyman, can I put that on my business cards?

[6:22] An endorsement from C-Man.

Elliott Kalan

[6:27] And then it also says, not bad from J-Man, which is Juana Man.

[6:33] Which is totally a movie and not something you just made up.

[6:36] No, it's a real movie, unlike that Werewolf Online movie, which I did make up.

[6:39] Cyber Howl?

[6:40] In Hollywood.

[6:41] Cyber Howl, yeah.

[6:42] It stars C. Thomas Howl as an internet billionaire who uploads his brain onto the net, creating

[6:52] Cyber Howl so he can star in a web series of Soul Man.

[6:57] Wow.

[6:59] That's one way to do it.

[7:01] To end the race crisis in America?

[7:02] Yes.

[7:03] So anyway, Unfriended, or as I'm going to continue to call it, Unfriendable, is about, it's a

[7:10] horror movie that takes place on the internet.

[7:11] The entire film is seen on one screen, which is where there's a Skype hangout happening

[7:17] between a bunch of high school friends.

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:19] Who have a lot of secrets, which will out in time.

[7:22] Secrets and lies.

[7:24] And a little bit of violence.

[7:26] And by a little bit of violence, I mean very little violence.

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:29] Oh boy.

Stuart Wellington

[7:30] A lot of just chatting.

[7:32] Chatting away.

[7:33] And then...

[7:34] So this is a movie that came out in movie theaters, right guys?

[7:36] It certainly did.

[7:37] And it did very well.

[7:38] Yeah, it didn't just come out of your computer.

[7:39] It didn't just come out of my computer.

[7:41] Yep.

[7:41] It didn't come out of a woman's uterus.

[7:42] No, it came out in movie theaters.

[7:44] It didn't burst forth from Zeus's skull.

[7:46] No.

[7:47] Fully formed.

Elliott Kalan

[7:48] Didn't emerge on a seashell out of the ocean.

Dan McCoy

[7:50] So I...

[7:51] It didn't just show up at your door and knock on the door and say, hey, it's me, unfriended.

[7:55] Wearing nothing but a trench coat.

Stuart Wellington

[7:56] I guess I'll let you in.

[7:57] That's never been a part of a curse or anything.

[8:02] I'll let you cross my threshold, even though I've placed new rushes down to prevent such

[8:08] spirits from entering the home.

[8:10] Hmm.

[8:11] Okay.

[8:12] I didn't know you had so much folk wisdom.

[8:14] The reason I ask is because this movie looks like I'm looking at a computer screen the

[8:17] whole time.

[8:18] Yeah.

[8:19] That's the gimmick.

[8:19] I would imagine it'd be disorienting to see on a big movie screen.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] Well, the whole time you're like, this is the biggest computer I've ever seen.

[8:26] Why are they showing a movie on it?

[8:28] They should be using it to solve the world's problems.

Stuart Wellington

[8:31] Or playing like one of the video games, like a World of Warcraft.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] Or playing Descent, like in Hackers, when they go to that hangout and they play Descent

[8:38] on that huge screen.

[8:39] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[8:41] I just remember a bunch of skateboarding in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] They were skateboarding while someone was playing Descent on a big screen.

[8:47] It was Descent, right?

[8:48] That shooter game?

[8:49] For the PlayStation?

[8:51] Maybe?

[8:52] I don't remember.

[8:53] Look, all I remember is Hackers.

[8:55] Go out to your video store and rent it today.

[8:57] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[8:58] Starring Fisher Stevens as Fisher Stevens.

[9:00] I mean, he's the villain.

[9:00] Fisher Stevens.

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] He's playing himself?

[9:03] I assume so.

[9:05] So unfriended.

[9:06] Let's talk.

[9:06] You assume so?

[9:08] You assume that unless notified by a male ahead of time, every actor is playing themselves

[9:13] in the movies.

[9:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:15] Well, particularly Fisher Stevens.

[9:17] I can't see him and think that he's anyone else.

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] Well, he disappears into the part of Ben in Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2.

Dan McCoy

[9:24] Mm-hmm.

[9:24] Yeah.

[9:25] It takes a tough man to make a tender razor.

[9:27] That's racist.

[9:28] Very racist.

Elliott Kalan

[9:29] Fisher Stevens got away with it because he's America's sweetheart.

[9:32] You can't get away with it.

[9:33] He made a man.

[9:34] He said, look, I made that racist movie, but now I'm going to save a bunch of dolphins.

[9:38] Are we okay, America?

[9:39] Are we cool?

[9:39] And America said, we are cool, Fisher Stevens.

[9:44] Here's the key to the city.

[9:46] So anyway, here's the key to the city of America.

[9:49] Yeah.

[9:50] So unfriended.

[9:51] There's a bunch of friends.

[9:52] It starts out, two teenagers are sexting on their Skype.

[9:57] Is that sexting if you're...

[9:59] Well, I guess it's not text.

[10:00] Is this what teenagers do?

[10:02] They're just talking to each other on their Skypes and they're hinting at how they're...

Stuart Wellington

[10:06] Video sext.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] After a little bit of weird foreplay involving a fake play threatening with a knife, the girl

[10:13] says that...

[10:14] It's Chekhov's knife, by the way.

[10:16] It is Chekhov's knife.

[10:17] It has his name written on it.

[10:19] I think you check the fingerprints, you'll find that Anton Chekhov's is the last one used

[10:22] that knife.

[10:23] You're right.

[10:23] Take him away, boys.

[10:24] But I am great short story and playwright.

[10:27] How could I commit murder?

[10:30] Sorry, Chekhov.

[10:31] Take him away.

Dan McCoy

[10:33] No, it was not me.

[10:34] It was Uncle Vanya who did it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] So I'm supposed to believe that your fictional character came into our world like in some

[10:42] sort of monkey bone situation.

[10:44] Who the other one?

[10:48] Now, okay.

[10:48] A classic monkey bone.

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] Yeah, that's a 1042, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] It's the movie that...

[10:55] Monkey bone situation.

[10:56] Without that movie, Whoopi Goldberg never would have entered the sci-fi fantasy genre.

[11:00] We'd have no Theodore Rex.

[11:02] But anyway, we haven't said anything about Unfriended yet.

[11:04] So these teens are making plans.

[11:07] They're going to lose their virginity to each other.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] I thought it would start with her watching videos of her friend's suicide.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] Oh, you're right.

[11:12] Okay.

[11:12] Before the teens are talking.

[11:14] This movie really blurs together my mind because it's all teens talking on screens.

[11:18] Teens on screens.

[11:19] It's night at 11.

[11:22] It opens with, we see a video of a girl drunk at a party.

[11:27] And then later there's video of her killing herself in a public place.

[11:30] She's a teenager and she's dead now.

[11:32] Uh-oh.

[11:33] Why did she do it?

[11:34] What was in that video where she was drunk at a party?

[11:36] It was so embarrassing.

[11:38] She had no recourse but to blow her own brains out on a basketball court.

[11:44] Yep.

[11:44] Film at 11.

[11:45] Now, so it's being watched by Bailey, who's a teen girl.

[11:50] I thought it was Blair.

[11:51] Blair.

[11:52] Is a teen girl.

[11:52] I don't remember these characters' names.

[11:54] Bailey does sound like a teen girl name.

[11:56] Sure it does nowadays.

[11:58] Everyone's using weird names these days.

[12:00] Bailey, Blair.

[12:01] Beetle Bailey.

[12:02] Yeah, Beetle Bailey.

[12:04] I mean, most girls are named after Beetle Bailey now.

[12:06] They're either named Beetle or Bailey.

Dan McCoy

[12:08] And they're named Sarge.

Elliott Kalan

[12:11] Or the General Half-Track.

Dan McCoy

[12:14] Miss Buxley.

[12:15] Yeah.

[12:17] First name, Miss.

[12:18] Last name, Buckley.

[12:21] The name is...

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] It's not a more Walker character.

Dan McCoy

[12:26] They're named after rumpled duck journalist, Shoe.

Stuart Wellington

[12:33] That's an odd name for a person or a duck.

[12:36] It's an odd name for anything other than a shoe.

[12:38] Yeah, okay.

[12:38] So we learn that this girl was embarrassed by a video of her drunk at a party.

[12:43] She killed herself.

[12:43] We learn that through...

[12:44] Sometimes this movie will introduce text on the screen.

[12:47] And you see a cursor slowly go over it to make sure that the viewer is catching all of what's written down.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] It takes four fucking ever for anyone to click on anything in this movie.

[12:58] This movie is...

[12:59] It's designed for the slowest readers.

Elliott Kalan

[13:02] I mean, those are the people...

[13:03] Like teens would go to horror movies.

[13:04] Yeah.

[13:05] Those would be fast readers.

[13:06] And I'm generalizing terribly.

[13:08] But yeah, there's...

[13:09] One of the problems with the movie is that...

[13:12] And it's not a wholly unsuccessful movie.

[13:14] But one of its problems is that...

Stuart Wellington

[13:15] Yeah, I mean, critically it did okay.

[13:17] This is like on the edge of...

[13:19] This is on the razor's edge of our purview.

[13:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] Yeah.

[13:22] We're really...

[13:23] We're walking a tightrope with this one, folks.

[13:26] Is that it takes every...

[13:27] The clicking on things is very slow.

[13:29] A link will pop up.

[13:30] And like Dan's saying, it'll hold for a long time as you wait for Blair to suddenly...

[13:36] To like finally click on this thing.

[13:38] And they're building suspense some of the time.

[13:40] But sometimes they're just being slow.

Dan McCoy

[13:41] And she's just like moving her cursor around the whole time too.

[13:44] It's not just...

[13:44] Well, yes.

[13:44] Her computer doesn't fall asleep.

[13:45] It's like, what do I...

[13:47] Do I click on...

[13:47] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] You can imagine...

[13:49] I don't.

[13:49] Maybe I should click on that.

[13:50] There's a lot of parts where she's typing things and then deleting them.

[13:53] Or thinking about typing stuff and then deleting it.

[13:56] And one time that gives us some information we wouldn't otherwise have.

[14:00] But usually it's just kind of time filler.

Stuart Wellington

[14:02] But so she was...

[14:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:03] Is the director off camera like...

[14:06] Showing the person to stretch it out a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[14:08] Yeah.

[14:09] Because they shot this in real time.

[14:10] Yeah.

[14:11] With the actress actually operating the keyboard.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] And this movie is only a hair over 80 minutes long.

[14:16] So...

[14:16] Perfect.

[14:17] Even if it's stretching, you know.

[14:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] It's a...

[14:20] In, out, and done.

[14:21] It could...

[14:22] This could have been a tight 70 minute like bottom half of a double bill.

[14:27] Right.

[14:27] Back in ye olde days before the internet.

[14:29] Ironic.

[14:30] Because what would they make the movie about?

[14:32] Before people on like a...

[14:33] This would be some kind of crazy future...

[14:35] Like a telephone party line or something.

[14:38] Telegraphing each other.

[14:39] They're just telegraphing each other videos.

[14:42] There was a...

[14:44] There was a...

[14:44] There was an embarrassing description in the local like Penny Dreadful.

Dan McCoy

[14:49] It was just like a time lapse of several weeks where the Pony Express delivers a photograph.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] I like how in our minds technology was either the Pony Express and telegraphs or the internet and Skype.

[15:00] There's nothing in between.

[15:01] There's nothing in between.

Dan McCoy

[15:02] So...

[15:02] There's steamships in there somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:04] Steamships of the mind floating through the clouds.

[15:07] Yep.

[15:08] Anyway, so...

[15:09] So I guess Blair was remembering her friend Laura killing herself.

[15:14] Mm-hmm.

[15:14] And then she gets interrupted by a call from her boyfriend who's not wearing a shirt.

[15:17] They have their weird flirting involving a knife.

[15:19] Yep.

[15:20] And they say, I think on prom night we should do it finally.

[15:22] And he's like, well, that's great.

[15:24] Suddenly they're broken in on by their friends who are all Skype calling each other.

[15:28] Yeah!

[15:29] All the gang's all here.

[15:31] There's Blair and her boyfriend, Mitch.

[15:34] There's Adam, who's kind of the jerk.

[15:35] He's the A.C. Slater of the group.

[15:37] There's Ken, who's kind of like the...

[15:38] I think you're misrepresenting A.C. Slater.

[15:41] Uh...

[15:42] There's Ken.

[15:43] A.C. Slater is the slightly more aggressive, slightly less smart Zach.

[15:48] Yeah, but he's not...

[15:48] He's an army brat.

[15:49] He's not wealthy like Adam is in this movie.

[15:52] I guess that's true.

[15:53] They're totally different.

[15:54] I'm just trying to map these characters.

[15:56] You've got Jess, who is...

[15:58] She's not...

[15:58] Blonde.

[15:59] Yeah.

[15:59] That's her trait.

[16:00] She's blonde and kind of mean, but she's not...

[16:02] She's supposed to be kind of slutty, I think.

[16:03] Yeah, but she's not a Jesse Spano or a Lisa Turtle.

[16:06] So we don't really know who she is.

[16:07] Blair is clearly the Kelly Kapowski.

[16:10] So why is her last name Turtle?

[16:14] Because her dad's a turtle.

[16:15] And then...

[16:15] Wait, who's the fat party dude?

[16:17] He's Screech.

[16:17] Okay.

[16:18] The nerd.

[16:18] Because he has computer skills later on and he is totally undateable by any of the other leads.

[16:23] All right.

[16:25] Checks out.

[16:25] Your math checks out.

[16:26] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[16:26] And he's wearing an all over print t-shirt, which is a sign of a real party dude.

Elliott Kalan

[16:30] Yeah.

[16:31] And he talks at one point about how he made his own salsa.

[16:34] So that happens too.

Stuart Wellington

[16:36] It's Chekhov salsa.

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] It's a nerd move.

[16:39] Salsa.

[16:40] They kill some time for a while.

[16:42] Just kind of being teens, faux insulting each other, talking about whatevs.

[16:46] And then they notice that there's a mysterious person who's just represented by a graphic.

[16:52] This Skype, just kind of generic graphic, who's been listening in on their conversation.

[16:56] And none of them can seem to figure out how to hang up on this person.

Dan McCoy

[16:59] It's almost like there's a ghost in the machine.

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] But whereas that term really means kind of like the spirit inside of our physical being, you know, the soul, if you will.

[17:07] Here it means a literal ghost that's inside of a computer.

[17:10] But we don't know that yet.

[17:11] Because.

[17:12] A ghost.

[17:13] Inside a computer.

[17:17] The, I don't, it would be sad if you thought somebody was really scared, but it turned out they just had a stutter.

[17:25] That's terrible.

[17:26] Anyway, long story short, this faceless thing starts interacting with them and sending messages to Blair, implying, or not implying, hinting or outright stating that this is actually the ghost of Laura Barnes, their friend.

[17:40] Their friend, Laura, who was cyberbullied into killing herself.

[17:44] How come?

[17:45] What's in that video that we need to find out about?

Stuart Wellington

[17:47] And that's like intercut with her, like, checking this forum that has news about people who interact with ghosts and then kill themselves.

[17:54] The forum is literally like, do not communicate.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] It's like warning.

[17:57] Do not communicate with ghosts on your computer.

Dan McCoy

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:01] There's a bulletin about her on Facebook.

[18:04] This lady communicated with a ghost on her computer.

[18:07] And then three days later, she died.

[18:09] That's basically what it says.

Stuart Wellington

[18:11] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[18:11] I mean, this is basically Samara from The Ring who, but instead of coming out of a TV, just kills you with your computer.

[18:18] Yeah, she lives on the internet.

[18:20] Yep.

[18:20] Terry Brooks is sort of Samara.

Elliott Kalan

[18:22] She feeds on fan art.

[18:24] Oh, wow.

[18:27] The more slash fic about Kirk and Spock she reads, the stronger she gets.

[18:32] There's slash fic about everything, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[18:34] It's crazy.

[18:34] That's true.

[18:36] Go on.

[18:37] I bet there's fucking unfriended slash fic out there.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] Do you think there's any Bill Clinton, Al Gore slash fic?

[18:41] Oh, man.

[18:41] Let's check it out.

[18:42] All right, Dan.

[18:43] Dan, bring it up on your computer.

[18:44] No safe search.

[18:45] We want the FBI to know about this.

[18:46] Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Stuart Wellington

[18:49] All right, there it is.

[18:50] A million hits.

Dan McCoy

[18:53] Enhance.

[18:53] Okay.

[18:54] Enhance.

[18:54] It's called Lover in Chief.

[18:56] Oh, wow.

[18:57] Okay.

[18:58] It's very romantic.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] A lot of cuddling.

[19:01] Wow, you read that fast.

[19:03] Yeah.

[19:03] Dan's a speed reader, which is why this movie doubly bothered him.

[19:06] Mm-hmm.

[19:06] Because he was able to read things many times over before people clicked on them.

[19:11] Yeah.

[19:11] But anyway, one by one, everyone gets unnerved and freaked out by this thing, which seems

[19:15] to know secrets about all of them.

[19:19] Yeah, it's a ghost.

[19:20] That's why it knows it.

[19:20] But we, it's kind of, for a while, Blair thinks that her boyfriend is trying to prank her,

[19:25] and she thinks everybody else is trying to prank them.

[19:26] Everybody turns on each other.

[19:27] They bring another friend in.

[19:28] A friend of theirs, Val, shows up, who none of them really like, and she...

[19:32] She's like one of those Queen B types.

[19:34] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[19:36] She's like a real mean girl.

[19:38] Okay.

[19:38] Yeah.

[19:39] She's kind of a clueless.

[19:40] Okay, thank you for...

[19:41] She's kind of a Knight of the Comet.

[19:44] She's a real bring it on.

[19:46] She's not an easy A.

[19:47] No.

[19:48] She's kind of a Heather.

[19:50] Oh, okay.

[19:50] Yeah, from the film with the same name.

[19:52] Is she a Beetlejuice?

Dan McCoy

[19:54] No, neither is she a greatest show on earth.

[19:57] How about a Drive Me Crazy?

[19:58] Is she one of those?

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] Maybe, yeah, possibly.

[20:01] Or She's Gone Crazy.

Dan McCoy

[20:02] Or Ten Things I Hate About You.

Elliott Kalan

[20:03] She's a real...

[20:04] She's out of control.

[20:05] Licensed...

[20:05] Oh, that's what we always think about.

[20:06] She's a real My Father the Hero.

[20:10] Okay.

[20:11] I've got her pictured now.

Stuart Wellington

[20:13] Okay.

[20:13] You painted a real world picture for me.

[20:15] Is she...

[20:15] My Father is a Hero, the Jackie Chan movie.

[20:18] Or is it a Jelly movie?

[20:19] I think it's Jelly.

[20:20] Wow.

[20:21] I thought you said Jelly movie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] Is it a Jelly movie?

[20:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:25] That's how little kids say Jet Li.

Elliott Kalan

[20:28] I want to see...

[20:29] I want to see...

[20:30] Once upon a time in China with jelly.

[20:33] When you say you're making them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and they're like,

[20:37] how did you get Jet Li into that sandwich?

[20:39] I'm terrified.

[20:40] I don't want to eat...

Stuart Wellington

[20:40] That sandwich packs a punch.

Elliott Kalan

[20:44] I don't want to eat it, man.

[20:47] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] The sandwich has a kick to it.

[20:50] The sandwich...

[20:51] Kid has a real knowledge of Jet Li's filmography.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] The sandwich has the USDA recommended daily allowance of Iron Monkey.

[20:59] Anyway, so Val is revealed.

[21:04] She was one of the people who cyberbullied Laura.

[21:07] Laura sent her a text saying, why did you do this?

[21:10] You know, I'm sorry I was mean.

[21:11] And Val said, why don't you kill yourself?

[21:13] And Laura did.

[21:14] And Val is like, ah, ah, I didn't, ah.

[21:17] And they lose sight of her.

[21:18] Then she shows back up on...

[21:19] And they're like, what happened to Val?

[21:20] What happened to Val?

[21:21] She shows back up on the phone.

[21:22] She's not moving.

[21:23] And there's a bottle of...

[21:24] She's totally Blair Witching it.

[21:25] There's a bottle of bleach next to her.

[21:27] And then she kind of falls over.

[21:29] Then the police come by.

[21:30] She's called the police.

[21:31] And I guess the ghost told her not to call the police.

[21:33] I forgot about that part.

[21:34] And the police come by and she's...

[21:36] They name it a suicide by bleach.

Stuart Wellington

[21:39] Yeah.

[21:40] But they do it with police codes.

[21:42] So that lets us...

[21:43] Let's our heroine Blair, or Bailey, as we've come to know her,

[21:47] to...

[21:48] To come to...

[21:49] To Google search.

[21:51] Police codes.

[21:52] And we figure out she's committed suicide.

[21:54] And then the police accidentally show her face.

[21:57] And for a moment, we stare into the depths of madness.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Mm-hmm.

[22:00] The ska band.

[22:04] Then we move.

[22:05] They're all freaked out.

[22:06] They're like, ah, our friend Val.

[22:07] Ah, ah, ah.

[22:09] And you know how it's going to go.

[22:10] One by one, different secrets will be revealed.

[22:13] And characters will be offed.

[22:14] Ken gets killed next, because of course he does.

[22:17] He's the least...

[22:18] He's the one...

[22:18] He's the party dude that is not...

[22:20] Like, a super fit model type.

[22:22] He's got a rude attitude.

[22:23] He's got a rude attitude.

[22:25] He's crude and rude.

[22:26] And his attitude is...

[22:28] His jokes are lewd.

[22:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:29] I'm glad he's not nude.

[22:31] His favorite Cronenberg movie is The Brood.

[22:33] He loves the crude.

Elliott Kalan

[22:35] The way he likes his beats?

[22:37] Stewed.

[22:40] Favorite type of gum?

[22:41] Already been chewed.

[22:45] Favorite French chef?

[22:46] Daniel Balloude.

Dan McCoy

[22:48] His favorite psychologist is Frude.

[22:51] He mispronounces it.

[22:52] Yep.

[22:54] He's pretty dumb.

Elliott Kalan

[22:56] But he's the smart guy, because he gives them a program that lets them kick the ghost off

[23:01] their Skype call.

[23:02] This ghost says, if you hang up, you die.

[23:04] We're going to play a game.

[23:05] If you hang up, you die.

[23:06] It's not much of a game.

[23:07] And Ken gives them this program that gets rid of trouble.

[23:11] I'm glad you're critiquing the rules of this game.

[23:14] Well, they play another game later on that's more of a game.

[23:16] It's like fucking Quidditch.

[23:18] Yeah.

[23:19] Where you score points for no reason, since there's a magic winning machine that you can

Dan McCoy

[23:23] get.

[23:23] Yeah, there's a snitch that you can just get that shuts the whole fucking game down.

[23:27] Yep.

[23:27] Stupid fucking game.

[23:29] Hope that snitch gets a stitch.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] There were once, across the street from us in the park, across the Daily Show offices,

[23:35] there were kids at Quidditch camp.

[23:36] And it was the saddest thing I think I've ever seen.

[23:38] They were just walking around with brooms between their legs, just throwing balls at each

[23:42] other.

[23:43] They were having fun, though.

Stuart Wellington

[23:43] They were pretty saddlesore at the end of the day, I'd imagine.

Elliott Kalan

[23:46] Oh, yeah.

[23:46] There was a lot of liniment that gets used in Quidditch.

[23:48] Yeah.

[23:49] That's the scene they cut out of Harry Potter was Harry with his pants off and what's his

[23:53] name, Dobly?

[23:54] That elf was just rubbing liniment into his thighs.

Dan McCoy

[23:58] Yeah.

[23:59] He's got a red welt across his upper thighs.

[24:03] Okay, getting too graphic.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] Look, I was toeing the line there, but you went too far.

[24:09] Right next to his testicles.

[24:10] Save it for your Harry Potter house elf fanfic.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] And then Ron Weasley came in and he said, every, why don't I do that?

[24:20] Mm-hmm.

[24:21] Yeah.

[24:21] And then Dobby's like, we can all do that, because Dobby talks like I do.

Dan McCoy

[24:26] He's a house elf, dude.

[24:27] He doesn't give a shit.

[24:28] He doesn't have an accent.

[24:28] I like the idea that people who have accents do it because they give a shit.

[24:36] They're just trying too hard.

[24:38] They're trying.

[24:43] But if you don't care, if you're really cool, you can drop that.

[24:47] You can lay back dude like me or Dobby.

[24:49] You don't need that.

[24:52] You're going to need to make yourself interesting with an accent.

Elliott Kalan

[24:56] He's wearing a fucking pillowcase, bro.

[24:59] Totally a human.

[24:59] He's a shit.

[25:00] Just talk regular default human voice, which is American English from the northeast to Midwest.

[25:09] Anyway.

[25:10] So, Ken gets the, because he has dared to fight the ghost.

[25:16] Ken Cosgrove.

[25:17] Ken Cosgrove did lose an eye, I guess.

[25:18] Spoiler alert.

[25:19] But Ken has dared to fight the ghost and use his virus tricks.

[25:24] And let me tell you about this.

[25:25] Okay, here's a side note.

[25:26] They did a-

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] Yeah, Mary Curie over here with his virus tricks.

Elliott Kalan

[25:30] What?

[25:31] Mary Curie was a radiologist, was a nuclear physicist.

[25:34] Oh, shit.

[25:34] Or a chemist, rather.

[25:35] She discovered radium.

[25:36] I don't know what-

[25:37] She doesn't fight in viruses.

Dan McCoy

[25:41] Not that you know of.

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] I have some real issues to it with your Mary Curie video game, where she shrinks down to

[25:47] microscopic size and throws radium at germs and viruses.

[25:50] Yeah.

[25:51] I think you just took an inner space game.

[25:54] Yep.

[25:54] It was my Dr. Mario sequel.

[25:59] We know what the problem is with Dr. Mario.

[26:00] No basis in historical facts.

[26:02] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[26:04] You have two options, fever or chill, and it's just a difference in music.

Dan McCoy

[26:09] So-

[26:10] In history, Dr. Mario was not a real doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[26:14] He just liked giving women breast exams in the back of a van.

[26:18] He was arrested, thankfully.

[26:20] Before he could disappear down a sewer pipe.

[26:23] Yeah, ironically, the man who arrested him, Officer Wario.

[26:26] Hollywood really twisted that tale in the retelling.

[26:29] So they do a good job with Blair of building up that she's looking at other stuff on her computer.

[26:35] There's just like other open tabs.

[26:37] And she's having trouble using this virus-destroying program and erasing the files and deleting them forever

[26:44] because she still has a QuickTime window open that just says it's Miley Cyrus on SNL.

[26:48] And I liked that that was like a real-world moment to be creating tension in your horror movie

[26:55] that you can't erase the thing because the file is still in use.

[26:58] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:59] I do like the-

[27:00] Even though there was a weird countdown thing that showed up all of a sudden.

[27:04] And sometimes this movie also music cues and sound effects appear.

[27:09] And I don't mean like a song plays.

[27:10] It's just like scary atmosphere music seems to play in the background every once in a while.

[27:15] And I'm like, is that coming out of the computer?

[27:16] Like, it has to be.

[27:18] It's diegetic.

Dan McCoy

[27:19] Okay.

[27:20] So I like the fact that Ken, when he dies, when the ghost makes him die,

[27:24] we've established that he's made the salsa earlier.

[27:28] Yeah, this is just good screenwriting.

[27:30] And he apparently makes his salsa with a blender.

[27:33] And then later on we see flashes of him with his arm in a blender being like, ah!

Elliott Kalan

[27:37] And then he snatches the glass and the blender cuts his throat.

[27:41] Yeah.

[27:42] Here's the thing.

[27:42] Of course he's in a blender.

[27:43] He's lazy.

[27:43] You think he's going to chop up all those tomatoes?

Stuart Wellington

[27:45] Yeah, I guess so.

[27:46] He wants to get right to the chilling and the partying, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[27:50] As he drinks salsa out of a blender cup in his bedroom.

[27:54] Yeah, I guess he's fine.

[27:55] Because he made the salsa with a blender in his bedroom.

[27:57] Hoisted by his own petard, blender-wise.

[28:01] I mean, where else are you guys making salsa?

Stuart Wellington

[28:04] Than in your bedroom.

[28:05] Yeah.

[28:05] Where do you keep a blender?

[28:05] It seems weird that he would have a functioning blender in his bedroom.

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] But again, he's lazy.

[28:11] He doesn't want to go all the way to the kitchen.

Stuart Wellington

[28:12] But I mean, his parents should have stopped him from doing that.

[28:15] I mean, he eats a quart of salsa every week.

[28:18] I mean, I guess it's good that he's eating vegetables, right?

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] It's the only way his parents can get him to eat them.

[28:24] So Ken dies, but only after finding a camera in the air vent of his room or something, which is never really explained.

[28:31] Nor does it need to be explained or make sense.

[28:33] It's one of the moments...

[28:34] There are a couple moments where the movie seems to be like trying out what its ghost can do.

[28:40] Like when you first get a game in the mail and you're just like pressing early in the mail.

[28:44] You just first buy a game.

[28:45] What, do you got a fucking Gamefly membership?

[28:48] You just order it from Amazon or something.

[28:50] Oh, okay.

[28:50] And you're trying out all the buttons to kind of see what they do.

[28:54] There's parts of the movie where it's like, can our ghost stick a camera in someone's vents?

[28:58] Sure, why not?

[28:59] Okay.

[29:00] Will that come in handy?

[29:01] Not really.

Dan McCoy

[29:02] Why was a ghost in a camera in the first place?

[29:04] To make things spooky.

[29:06] All right.

[29:07] I guess.

[29:08] Or just...

[29:09] Movies are a visual medium, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[29:11] I guess it's just a spy on Ken undressing, maybe.

[29:14] Yeah, well...

[29:15] I mean, it doesn't even necessarily have a physical camera.

[29:17] It could just be like at the manifestation of the ghost or something.

Elliott Kalan

[29:21] It's eyes or the camera.

[29:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:22] The ghost is just hanging on the camera.

Elliott Kalan

[29:24] Now, he also...

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] Yeah, there's no shots of like literally a ghost sitting at a computer like typing messages to them.

Elliott Kalan

[29:31] They also do...

[29:33] What if the ghost is just at the public library using one of the computers?

[29:36] Sure, masturbating.

[29:39] Yeah.

[29:40] One of the things the movie also does is it uses like meme type things a bunch.

[29:44] So it sends Blair pictures of her in bed with her boyfriend's best friend, Adam, who's also in on this Skype call.

[29:51] But in those block white letters that are used in meme pictures, it's like, not your boyfriend, question mark, or something like that.

[29:58] Everyone types in like teen speak, too.

[30:01] So it's a lot of like the letter U instead of the word U.

[30:04] Just misspellings all over the place.

[30:06] Seriously.

[30:07] Yeah, seriously.

[30:08] It's realism.

[30:09] Anyway...

[30:09] So many question marks.

[30:11] One by one thing...

[30:11] One question mark will not suffice.

[30:13] Excessive punctuation.

[30:14] Once Ken is out, it's time to play the game I Have Never.

[30:17] Or did I ever?

[30:19] Never have I ever.

[30:20] And the way they play it is...

[30:22] It doesn't matter.

[30:23] But they're...

Stuart Wellington

[30:23] When you were in high school, Elliot, did you play that game a lot?

Elliott Kalan

[30:27] No, it was more of a college game.

[30:28] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:29] Yeah.

[30:30] I played in high school with a bunch of Catholic school girls, and it was crazy.

[30:34] I didn't...

[30:34] Really?

[30:35] Yes, it was crazy.

[30:37] So...

[30:38] Wait.

[30:38] I was shamed.

Dan McCoy

[30:40] The stuff I've heard about Catholic school girls was not just a rumor?

Stuart Wellington

[30:43] It wasn't a rumor, Dan.

[30:44] All your dreams are true.

Dan McCoy

[30:47] We're going to have to take a break, everybody.

[30:50] I feel like I dated the wrong Catholic in high school.

[30:53] Well, you were dating the Pope.

[30:54] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] So, yes, no wonder you didn't get anywhere, Dan.

[30:57] Yeah.

[30:57] He took a vow of abstinence and chastity and hope-ishness.

Dan McCoy

[31:02] But I feel like when I played it in college, it was just a lot of, like, you say the thing

[31:08] and then you drink, rather than here, it was...

[31:11] There was a whole elaborate scheme with, like, you, like...

[31:13] You hold up your fingers.

[31:14] You hold up your fingers and you count it down from five.

[31:16] I think it's just a more visual way of doing it.

[31:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:19] And to build tension.

Elliott Kalan

[31:20] Oh, I forgot.

[31:21] Earlier, so that Val, it had been...

[31:24] The ghost had made it look like the friend Jess had put pictures up of Val, who's...

[31:28] We all know will kill herself with bleach.

[31:31] Like, put up pictures of her at a party where she's getting drunk and high.

[31:34] So the ghost has access to everything that's on everybody's computer and also their Facebook

[31:39] profiles.

[31:39] Ah, oh, no.

[31:41] And she's like, making it look like...

[31:42] That's a nightmare.

[31:42] My mom's my friend on Facebook.

[31:44] As was Jess's.

[31:46] No, Val's.

[31:47] Well, Val's dead anyway.

[31:47] It doesn't matter.

[31:48] So Val's dead.

[31:49] Ken's dead.

[31:50] They all reveal their secrets.

[31:51] It turns out they've betrayed each other in petty ways.

[31:54] One called the cops on the other one for selling pot.

[31:56] One stole money from another one.

[31:59] They find out that Jess started a rumor about Blair having an eating disorder.

[32:05] Blair slept with Adam.

[32:06] Matt finds out Blair slept with Adam.

[32:08] Yeah, that's the big deal.

[32:09] And Adam and Blair both get something printed out on their computers.

Stuart Wellington

[32:17] And Mitch is freaking out.

[32:18] He's like, even though my friends are dying, I am way more upset about the idea that my

[32:22] best friend slept with my girlfriend.

[32:24] And there's a video of it that the ghost sends them.

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] Yeah, you don't watch that video, dude.

[32:28] No, come on.

[32:29] You can't unsee that.

[32:30] But also, as you said while we're watching it, dude, you're in high school.

[32:33] You're going to get over it.

[32:34] Yeah, you'll get over it, man.

[32:35] It gets better.

Stuart Wellington

[32:37] But Mitch is freaking out.

[32:39] When you leave high school, ghosts stop tormenting you.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] That's your video.

[32:45] And Dan Savage calls you and is like, Stuart, this video, I appreciate your effort.

[32:48] It is not helpful.

[32:49] This is not the problem that teens are dealing with.

[32:51] This does not fit my brand.

[32:53] Yeah.

[32:55] Also, not true.

[32:57] Ghosts go after adults all the time.

[32:59] It's called A Christmas Carol.

[33:00] Watch it or read it.

Stuart Wellington

[33:03] Yeah, that's a pretty good source.

[33:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:09] So they get something printed out and Mitch is like, no more secrets.

[33:14] Show me what it is.

[33:15] If you don't show me, I'm going to hang up.

[33:16] And Blair knows that if Mitch hangs up, he's going to die because a ghost is going to get him.

[33:20] And so she shows in the paper and it says, if Mitch sees this, Adam dies.

[33:24] And Adam, who was waving a gun around earlier, shoots himself in the head.

[33:28] A quick check back on the message board about whether you should talk to ghosts, where there's a thing at the end about how ghosts can take over your bodies.

[33:35] And make you commit suicide.

[33:37] Then back to the main conversation.

[33:39] Now it's Jess's turn to die.

[33:41] I don't remember why this time.

[33:43] Yeah, I don't remember.

[33:44] But she runs into the bathroom.

[33:44] She defaced her grave.

[33:46] Yeah, I guess something like that.

[33:48] Yeah, she defaced.

[33:48] And she runs into the bathroom.

Dan McCoy

[33:50] Well, yeah.

[33:51] I just remember that we never talked about what the video was that caused.

Elliott Kalan

[33:55] Well, we haven't gotten to that part yet, have we?

[33:57] Florida killed herself.

Dan McCoy

[33:57] Oh, is it not there yet?

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] I don't remember when they revealed it.

[33:59] Don't spoil the reveal, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[34:00] Let's just get to Jess's death.

[34:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[34:02] Jess dies.

[34:03] Every time someone dies, it blips out and then blips back to a quick shot of them dying and then blips out again.

[34:09] And it blips back to Jess and she has a hot curling iron stuffed down her throat.

[34:13] And she's just choking to death and while burning on the inside.

[34:16] That is ridiculous.

[34:17] That is crazy.

[34:18] And I think the most horrifying thing is this ghost imagination.

[34:22] Yum.

Stuart Wellington

[34:24] If only it had been some kind of, I don't know, like a sandwich.

[34:27] It was an ironic.

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] Like a submarine type sandwich.

Dan McCoy

[34:31] It was an ironic death because the thing she cared most about were her beautiful curly locks.

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] Yeah, which she cut off to buy that watch chain for the ghost.

Dan McCoy

[34:40] Oh, but I sold my watch to buy you, the ghost, some combs.

[34:44] But wait.

[34:45] Hold on.

[34:46] You just introduced the character to this.

Elliott Kalan

[34:50] How many people are in this story, Dan?

[34:54] This is a very simple parallel and you have screwed it up big time.

[34:58] The ghosts love trying.

[34:59] How many magis are there?

[35:01] There are three, I guess.

[35:03] Yeah.

[35:04] So then the ghost sends them a meme that says she finally STF you, meaning shut the fuck up.

[35:14] But you're like, oh, I wish it was a wittier meme that this ghost had sent.

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] You wish this ghost was like a famous Twitter meme creator.

Elliott Kalan

[35:23] Yeah.

[35:23] I wish that it was an image of her with a hot eye on her throat and then sunglasses floated down.

[35:28] And then it cuts to a keyboard cat just playing her off.

[35:32] Now that would have been a meme.

[35:33] So I think now is around when we finally see the video.

[35:36] Yeah.

[35:37] Which is, so Laura is drunk at a party boasting about something.

[35:40] And then the video follows her over to where she's.

[35:43] This is a ghost.

[35:43] Yeah.

[35:44] She's not a ghost.

[35:45] She's a future ghost.

[35:46] Okay.

[35:46] As we all are.

[35:47] She's a pre-ghost.

[35:48] She's a pre-ghost or an old person as I call them.

[35:51] So she's, at the party that night, she got drunk and passed down on the ground and pooped herself.

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:58] And there's poop all coming out of her pants.

[36:00] And that's on the video.

[36:02] And it turns out somebody posted that video.

[36:05] And then wrote, and the name of the video was like, and then they wrote on it, Leaky Laura.

[36:09] And then the name of the video is Laura, kill yourself.

[36:12] Now, I mean.

[36:14] Now, speaking as a guy who has poop in his pants all the time.

[36:16] Dan, you don't see what the problem is.

[36:17] Yeah, dude.

[36:17] I pooped like a million times.

[36:19] It's NBD, dude.

[36:21] I mean, it's like, I wanted someone to say to Laura, look, everyone poops.

[36:24] There's a book you can read about it.

Stuart Wellington

[36:26] Okay.

[36:27] She wasn't like, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] Dan Savage calls you up.

[36:30] Again, Stuart, this is, I appreciate the enthusiasm.

Stuart Wellington

[36:33] You stop pooping when you get out of high school.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] That's one, not scientifically accurate.

[36:37] If anything, you poop a lot more when you're older.

[36:39] And two, the problem that these teens are dealing with is not that they're pooping.

[36:44] Yeah.

[36:44] It's a natural thing everybody does.

[36:46] And you're like, I know.

[36:47] That's what I'm trying to tell them.

Stuart Wellington

[36:47] If it was natural, why did people tell her to kill herself?

Elliott Kalan

[36:52] Shouldn't have worn white shorts.

[36:54] After Labor Day.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] I'm not saying that a video of someone pooping themselves wouldn't be like super embarrassing.

[37:01] Because it is.

[37:02] Like that would be a super embarrassing thing to have.

[37:04] I mean, it's not a video of her pooping herself.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] It's the after effects.

[37:08] It's not like you see her like butthole die.

[37:10] She's not just crouching, straining.

[37:13] Which would be oddly humanizing.

[37:15] Yeah, the butt is where it came out of, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] After all this buildup, I expected something less silly than her poop.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] Her poop shorts.

[37:25] Her with like three guys on her or something.

[37:27] Like something where you can understand like this is something that she is ashamed of having either been a part of or she was taken advantage of.

[37:34] And she can't live with that shame.

[37:35] Something where there's something really like transgressive or horrifying about it.

[37:39] Yeah, viscerally horrifying.

[37:40] I kind of like that it wasn't.

Stuart Wellington

[37:42] As opposed to just pooping the pants.

[37:43] Check out poop pants over here.

[37:46] You guys are playing with fire.

[37:48] You got a ghost that's going to come kill you soon.

Elliott Kalan

[37:50] No.

[37:51] We didn't want you to kill yourself.

[37:53] You're all poopy butt.

[37:54] No, but it is a weird anticlimax to find out that it's because she passed out with poop in her pants.

Dan McCoy

[38:03] As ghost motivations go.

[38:05] It's pretty low on the scale.

Elliott Kalan

[38:07] It's really lame.

[38:09] I mean, no.

[38:09] Her motivation is that she died.

[38:11] Sure.

[38:11] Well, she made that choice.

[38:13] That's a good point.

[38:14] She was cyberbullied.

[38:15] How is she going to race the...

[38:16] How is anyone going to hire her in the future knowing that once she had poop in her pants, that kind of thing follows you.

[38:22] Much as poop in your pants follows you because it's in your pants with you.

[38:26] It's trapped in your pants, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[38:28] So I'm going to jump the gun here, guys, and talk about powers that I wish this ghost had.

[38:32] And one of them I wish is that it would make the room smell like poop when it was about to possess it.

Dan McCoy

[38:37] I thought you were going to say the power of being like, she made one of the other people poop their pants.

[38:43] Great, too.

[38:43] So violently that they died.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] If clearly there's no God in the universe of this movie.

[38:50] That's how Thomas Jefferson died, by the way.

[38:52] If there was, he would have given her merely the power to make other people poop in their pants.

[38:57] And the movie would have been five teens on chat being spooked out and then each of them pooping in front of each other and then never talking to each other again because they're so embarrassed.

Stuart Wellington

[39:06] The weirdest, the biggest coincidence of this movie is that before we started to watch it, I mentioned how I was scared that I might poop my pants and Dan would make me walk home with pants full of poop.

[39:17] But little did I know, the movie would revolve the crux of this movie, horcrux, if you will.

[39:23] No, not horcrux at all.

Elliott Kalan

[39:25] Much as it follows tapped into my personal fear of being chased, this tapped into your personal fear of poop in the pants.

[39:33] Let me tell you.

[39:34] It's a loss of control.

[39:35] I live with somebody who poops in his pants all the time and he seems totally cool with it.

[39:40] Enjoy it even.

[39:42] I don't know about that.

[39:43] I mean, he's a little proud sometimes.

[39:46] So, anyway.

[39:48] So, Blair and Adam are the only ones left.

[39:50] Blair has clearly chosen, no, Matt, Blair, or Mitch.

[39:53] Mitch.

[39:53] I remember their names.

[39:53] Blair and Mitch, her boyfriend, are the only ones left.

[39:55] Blair's clearly chosen Mitch over Adam by allowing him to be killed by the ghost to save Mitch.

[39:59] Adam getting killed, yeah.

[40:00] Yeah, Adam getting killed.

[40:02] Jess is dead now.

[40:03] Mm-hmm.

[40:04] And there's just the two of them.

[40:06] Now, earlier when Blair was typing to Mitch, she was about to tell him over text that Laura had been, I guess, like, molested by her uncle when she was.

[40:16] She was younger and so she had these issues, but she deleted all that and didn't tell him.

[40:20] Now, Laura, the ghost is like, who put the video up?

[40:23] Mitch put up, didn't he?

[40:24] Mitch put up, didn't he?

[40:25] And Laura's, and Blair is typing, no, Mitch didn't do it.

[40:28] Deletes it.

[40:29] No, he didn't.

[40:29] He's a good person.

[40:30] Deletes it.

[40:31] And then finally she just types, yeah, he did it.

[40:33] And she kills Mitch by having the knife that he was using earlier just fly straight through his eye.

[40:40] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[40:42] Laura has, no, Blair.

[40:43] Chekhov's knife.

[40:44] Blair has gone to the message board.

[40:45] Yeah, that knife Chekhov killed those people with.

[40:48] Blair has gone back to that message board and it tells her the only way to stop this ghost is to admit wrongdoing.

[40:54] Okay.

[40:54] There's an easy four-step plan for not for stopping the ghost.

[40:58] I don't know why she didn't read the whole message board.

Dan McCoy

[41:00] One stop, two drop, free roll.

Elliott Kalan

[41:02] Open up shop.

[41:02] Or admit wrongdoing.

[41:05] And then bebop.

[41:07] Rocksteady not included.

[41:09] Now, so she says, I'm sorry, we're good people, we didn't mean to do this, da-da-da.

[41:15] And Laura, the ghost, is like, oh, really?

[41:18] Well, take a look at this video.

[41:19] And she puts up, finally we see the unedited poop pants video.

[41:23] And at the end of it, we see...

Stuart Wellington

[41:25] What the audience has been dying for.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] We see that though Mitch was the one who uploaded it,

[41:30] t'was Blair that shot the tape as she turns the camera around on herself at the end and laughs.

[41:35] Bum, bum, bum.

[41:36] Classic Hitchcock move.

[41:39] Let's get this more of a classic M. Night Shyamalan move.

[41:42] And she, oh no, she's the one who did it.

[41:45] Laura, the ghost, uploads the full video to Facebook.

[41:49] Everyone sees it and starts telling Blair to kill herself.

[41:52] And she's like, what?

[41:53] No, no.

[41:54] Ah!

[41:55] And then shuts her computer and a ghost kills her.

[41:59] Yeah.

[41:59] And a ghost jumps out at her.

Dan McCoy

[42:01] As you pointed out, Elliot, it seemed like overkill.

[42:03] Like, it seems like it should be like one or the other.

[42:06] Either the ghost publicly shames her or the ghost kills her.

[42:09] Like, publicly shaming her and killing her doesn't really like...

Elliott Kalan

[42:11] It felt a little bit like the end of Drag Me to Hell where she's accomplished the thing she was supposed to do.

[42:17] Mm-hmm.

[42:17] And she's been chastened.

[42:18] Like, she's no longer the callous person she was.

[42:20] But she goes to hell anyway.

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:22] Like, because she has the wrong coin in her pocket.

Dan McCoy

[42:24] Although that's one of the things I like about Drag Me to Hell is like,

[42:27] the ultimate punishment so outweighs the crime.

[42:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:31] Um, yeah.

[42:32] But so, this movie, I'll give it this.

[42:35] So, the movie literally ends with a smash cut to the title card.

[42:39] It says, unfriended.

[42:40] And then it goes right in some awesome teen dance music.

[42:43] Oh, yeah.

[42:44] Which had us shaking our booties.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] We were all dancing in the dark.

[42:47] Just like Bruce Springsteen and, uh, I guess...

[42:50] Borny Cox.

[42:51] Yeah, and like Bjork in that movie.

[42:54] What?

[42:54] The Dancer in the Dark movie.

Stuart Wellington

[42:55] Yeah, with the Bruce Springsteen movie.

Elliott Kalan

[42:58] Or Bjork played Bruce Springsteen.

[43:00] Bjork Springsteen.

[43:02] That is miscasting.

[43:04] I gotta say.

[43:05] She was very good, though.

[43:07] It was miscasting.

[43:08] It's a casting service that only puts women into male roles.

[43:12] Miscasting, it's called.

[43:13] Or miscasting.

[43:14] Anyway...

[43:15] Owned by Tilda Swinton, they say.

[43:18] Big legend, say.

[43:22] Rumor says Tilda Swinton's behind the whole thing.

[43:25] But I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[43:26] He he he he he he.

[43:27] He he he.

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] Well, thanks, mysterious boxcar hobo.

Dan McCoy

[43:33] Why do you know so much about Hollywood lore?

Elliott Kalan

[43:36] I work for...

[43:37] I work for CAA.

[43:40] He he he.

[43:41] He he he.

[43:42] He he he he he.

[43:42] He he he he.

Stuart Wellington

[43:43] You got the goods.

[43:44] I'd like to represent you.

[43:45] You're really enjoying this story, Mr. Hobo.

[43:47] He he he he he.

[43:49] What, is somebody tickling you?

[43:50] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[43:51] Yep, you can't see it because we're on the phone right now.

[43:54] But it's my 3 p.m. tickling.

Dan McCoy

[43:57] Okay.

[43:58] I mean, I leave the hedonistic Hollywood lifestyle.

[44:01] I got someone to tickle me.

[44:02] I got a tickle man.

[44:04] Don't know who gave this hobo a phone.

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] You say tickle man three times in a mirror.

[44:10] He appears and begins to tickle your feet.

[44:15] Anyway, or tickle juice.

[44:16] Anyway, so let me say this about the movie.

[44:19] I didn't love it.

[44:20] I didn't even kind of like it.

Stuart Wellington

[44:22] But I feel like...

[44:23] But I feel like...

[44:24] Wow, pre-final judgment.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] But for a movie...

[44:28] But I would say, for a movie that is a static shot of a screen

[44:31] and everything's just moving around on that screen,

[44:33] I thought they did a very good job of keeping focus

[44:36] and not having you feel like you were just watching one image

[44:40] for an entire film.

Stuart Wellington

[44:41] Like, it's not...

[44:42] And they don't...

[44:42] I don't think they break the rules of the movie very much.

[44:45] No, I don't think...

[44:46] Other than the aforementioned weird music cues.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] And when they give the ghost extra powers.

[44:51] Yeah, yeah.

[44:51] But they...

[44:52] I feel like they...

Stuart Wellington

[44:53] Yeah, you don't know anything about ghosts.

[44:54] They could have every power in the book.

[44:56] All I know is I ain't afraid of them.

[44:57] The ghost power book.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] Yeah.

[44:58] The ghost power book.

Dan McCoy

[44:59] Now let's do...

[45:01] It's called the Bible.

[45:03] The holiest of ghosts.

[45:05] So, okay, we can do final judgments.

[45:07] Now let's do Shocktober final judgments.

[45:09] Is this totally scarifying?

[45:11] Is it totally snorifying?

[45:14] Or is it frightfully funny?

[45:17] Elliot, you've already...

Elliott Kalan

[45:18] Well, it doesn't really fit those categories.

[45:20] No, it doesn't.

[45:21] I didn't think it was totally scarifying.

[45:23] From there, it wasn't totally snorifying either.

[45:25] Like I said, it was not...

[45:26] I didn't love it, but I thought that as an experiment in doing a movie like this, it was successful much of the time.

[45:32] From a directorial point of view, I think the concept was very successful.

[45:36] I found the characters entirely irritating.

[45:38] And the punishment did not fit the crime.

[45:40] Like we were saying, the revelation that it was poop pants that was the cause of the whole mystery was an anticlimactic one.

[45:49] I felt like this was not the right...

[45:51] This was a great vessel, and the story that was filling that vessel was not the right one.

[45:56] Yeah, I'm going to go with...

[45:57] They did not let the right one in to the vessel.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] So if this vessel was a pair of pants, this movie didn't poop the pants full of poop.

Elliott Kalan

[46:03] No, the movie would be poop.

[46:05] I think you don't want it pants.

[46:06] I'm going to go.

[46:07] This movie...

[46:08] These pants deserved a shapely behind, but instead they got poop.

Dan McCoy

[46:11] Okay.

[46:11] I'm going to go with you on this.

[46:14] I thought...

[46:15] I kind of liked it, but it's more that I was impressed.

[46:21] I saw the trailer for this, and I'm like, this is going to be shit.

[46:24] And largely...

[46:25] It was, literally.

[46:26] Largely...

Elliott Kalan

[46:27] In their pants.

Dan McCoy

[46:28] Yeah.

[46:29] But mostly it was not.

[46:30] They mostly pulled off the conceit of the movie, but the one thing that it was not was scary.

[46:36] Yes.

[46:36] Like, every time they killed someone, it was the silliest thing.

[46:40] Like, you know, Mr. Put-His-Hand-in-a-blender or curling iron down the throat.

[46:48] Like, there was not a lot of...

[46:49] Knife in the eye.

[46:51] Genuine scare.

[46:52] There was not a lot of genuine suspense.

[46:53] But I was engaged through the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] I felt engaged in it, too.

[46:57] I feel like it would have been scarier if just their screens blipped, and when it came back,

[47:02] they were missing.

[47:04] They just weren't there anymore.

[47:06] Like, the violent deaths, if anything, helped defray the tension too much.

[47:11] Yeah.

[47:12] It was like the doorman scene in Macbeth.

Stuart Wellington

[47:16] I would say...

[47:17] Gatekeeper scene?

[47:18] I'm going to give this movie...

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] You want to talk about Macbeth some more?

Stuart Wellington

[47:20] Would they call him a doorman back then?

[47:22] Yeah.

[47:24] I would give this movie a shriekfully decent to watch.

[47:32] There were some things that worked really well.

[47:34] Like, I liked the way the cameras were constantly, like, digitizing the images.

[47:40] So you're getting a lot of after images.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] And that was generally...

[47:43] They were a frightening thing.

[47:44] When you see someone's face kind of distort that way, it's genuinely frightening.

Stuart Wellington

[47:48] Yeah.

[47:48] I feel like that stuff is creepy.

[47:50] Yeah.

[47:50] Just in general.

[47:52] That's why I don't have a lot of those, like, sexy video conversations with people.

[47:57] That's the only reason.

[47:59] Because you could have them if you wanted.

[48:00] Oh, yeah.

[48:00] Why not?

[48:01] I'm a super famous podcaster, dude.

[48:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:03] I don't know how to go that far.

[48:06] But you're right.

[48:06] Like, the imagery in it, a lot of it was really...

[48:10] Like, the way they did those digitizing bits was really good.

Stuart Wellington

[48:12] Yeah.

[48:13] And the...

[48:14] I feel like you were mentioning ways that it could have been better.

[48:18] And yeah, like, either just disappearing or tying in with something...

[48:21] I mentioned the ring earlier.

[48:23] But I thought the ring did a good job of showing a person who was killed by mysterious means.

[48:28] And it's totally gross and horrifying.

[48:31] Yeah.

[48:32] And they didn't have to, like, have somebody stick his face on a blender.

Elliott Kalan

[48:35] It was like the, like, jigsaw, like, Nightmare on Elm Street aspect of those killings.

[48:40] Yes.

[48:40] Where it was...

[48:41] It could have been spookier grossness if it wasn't goofy grossness.

[48:44] Yeah.

[48:46] Goofy grossness.

[48:47] Goofy grossness.

[48:48] That's the goofy porn movie.

[48:50] Yeah.

[48:51] Yeah.

[48:58] Hi, everybody.

[48:59] I'm Justin McElroy.

Stuart Wellington

[49:00] I'm Travis McElroy.

Dan McCoy

[49:01] I'm Griffin McElroy.

[49:02] And we host the first podcast ever made, My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

[49:05] Every Monday, we put out the first ever advice comedy podcast ever.

[49:09] They found our podcast on Dead Sea Scrolls.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] We're the Hammurabi code of podcasts, and we're ready to entertain you with jokes.

Dan McCoy

[49:15] So we invented the first jokes.

[49:18] So join us every Monday on MaximumFun.org.

[49:20] You'll never crack our code, Dan Brown.

[49:22] Just try me.

[49:23] It's history in the making.

Elliott Kalan

[49:24] And in the faking.

[49:25] And it's all yours for the taking.

[49:28] And good girls, do you want to just say, hey, I want to.

[49:33] Just say, hey, I want to.

Dan McCoy

[49:36] Stuart, you wanted to say something before we got into it?

Stuart Wellington

[49:41] Yeah.

[49:41] I just wanted to say thank you.

[49:43] We, or I guess give a shout out.

[49:46] Over the past week or so, we've received at ye olde flop house news, wait, letter center.

[49:54] Our HQ.

[49:55] Yeah, HQ.

[49:56] We received some things from listeners.

[49:58] So I want to say thank you to Cal Scuthorpe.

[50:01] I'm probably not pronouncing that.

[50:03] All the way in shiny Australia.

[50:06] Shiny?

[50:06] Shiny olde.

[50:07] The sun is shining down on Australia.

[50:09] Hopefully on you, Cal.

[50:11] Thank you for sending me a Blu-ray copy of Razorback.

[50:15] I can't wait to watch that.

[50:16] I think it's about a killer pig.

[50:19] And another thank you and shout out to Jonathan Bergdahl, who sent us, all of us floppers, a copy of some old Donald Duck comics.

[50:32] Carl Barks comics.

Elliott Kalan

[50:33] My son is enjoying them already.

Stuart Wellington

[50:35] He loves ducks.

[50:36] As well as sending us a Screwballs movie poster from Oscar winner Screwballs.

[50:43] Nice.

Dan McCoy

[50:44] And I want to thank Eric for sending a copy of Joe R. Lansdale's Christmas with the Dead on DVD, signed by Mr. Joe R. Lansdale.

[50:56] I love that guy.

[50:58] And I also want to say, there have been some GIFs in the past that I unfortunately have forgotten to thank people for.

[51:08] And I apologize.

[51:10] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[51:10] They're just, the ghosts will come get you through a computer.

Dan McCoy

[51:12] No, I'm terrible.

[51:14] I'm a terrible producer.

[51:15] I'm a terrible person.

[51:16] Keep going.

[51:18] If you pile up those GIFs on your bed and sleep on them like Smaug.

[51:22] If you've sent things to the podcast, rest assured that they're greatly appreciated.

[51:27] And I'm sorry if I've forgotten to thank you by name on the show.

[51:32] Don't look at me.

Stuart Wellington

[51:33] See, genuine contrition.

[51:34] That keeps you from getting killed by a ghost.

[51:36] It didn't in this movie.

[51:38] She didn't seem that genuine.

[51:40] That's a good point.

Dan McCoy

[51:42] But before we move on, just a note, the Flophouse is brought to you in part by Squarespace.

[51:48] Squarespace?

[51:49] No.

[51:49] Squarespace.

[51:50] No, Squarespace.

[51:51] Squarespace.

[51:52] The all-in-one website platform.

Elliott Kalan

[51:55] Now, Dan, I've been, listeners for a while know I've been trying to get a website off the ground.

[52:01] Is it empire.com?

[52:02] It's not empire.com.

[52:04] Although, maybe I'll steal that from you.

[52:07] I've been trying to get a website off the ground.

[52:09] This is a new idea I have.

[52:10] It's called duckvomit.org.

[52:13] Now, it's a charitable group, hear me out, that finds out when ducks vomit and finds out why they vomited.

[52:20] To maybe help them not do it in the future.

[52:22] Is this duck drinking too much?

[52:24] Did it eat some bad food?

[52:26] Is it bulimic?

[52:27] These are all questions we have about ducks.

[52:30] And duckvomit.org is a charitable organization that's trying to get to the bottom of it.

[52:33] Now, we need a website so we can accept donations.

[52:36] How do I set one up?

Dan McCoy

[52:37] Well, you know what?

[52:39] I'll tell you something.

[52:39] Squarespace sites look professionally designed regardless of your skill level with no coding required.

[52:45] Good, because my skill level is abysmal.

Elliott Kalan

[52:47] I know that href equals something, and that's as far as I've gotten.

Dan McCoy

[52:51] Well, if you want to set up this horrible, horrible website.

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] What's horrible?

[52:56] Helping ducks?

Dan McCoy

[52:58] You can start your...

[52:58] Do you have a real issue?

[52:59] You can start your free trial today with no credit card required at squarespace.com.

Elliott Kalan

[53:06] Are you okay, Dan?

[53:07] Are you...

[53:08] Did you vomit recently?

[53:10] And are you a duck?

[53:11] Because I have a website that will hopefully help you soon, thanks to Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[53:14] If you want to set up a website with Squarespace, you can use the offer code FLOP, that's F-L-O-P, to get 10% off your first purchase.

[53:25] Squarespace, build it beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] Okay, Dan, I have another idea for a website.

[53:28] Do you think Squarespace will be able to help me?

[53:30] It's called pooppantsvid.xxx.

[53:34] Wow.

[53:34] I was inspired by this movie.

[53:35] I think there's a real market for people to watch people pooping in their pants.

[53:40] Now, it's a .xxx site, but it's not for sexual purposes.

[53:43] This is a medical site or for entertainment purposes.

[53:48] Any diagnoses gained off of pooppants.xxx are not legally binding, and we cannot be held responsible.

[53:56] So, Dan, one, do you want to submit a video?

[53:59] Because it's all user-submitted content.

[54:02] Two, so what do I use?

[54:04] Squarespace?

[54:05] Do I have to know how to code or anything?

Stuart Wellington

[54:07] No, you don't need to know how to code.

[54:09] And what's that offer code when you're setting up this pooppants site?

Dan McCoy

[54:12] It's FLOP.

[54:13] F-L-O-P.

[54:14] Okay.

[54:15] We're 10% off.

[54:18] But now, we'll move on to letters from listeners.

[54:22] Letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[54:23] You asked, and we provided the hottest letters in the business.

[54:29] These letters are all nude and all ready for all action.

[54:34] Action letters.

[54:35] Call in now and talk to the sexiest letters Flophouse listeners have sent in.

Stuart Wellington

[54:40] I'm a letter and I'm not wearing clothes today.

Elliott Kalan

[54:43] No letters are wearing clothes.

[54:45] It would be weird.

[54:47] Call in now.

[54:48] These letters are not wet because it would be hard to read the ink.

[54:51] But these letters are dry and on paper.

[54:54] I'm dry as a bone.

[54:57] All right.

[54:58] Well, thanks.

[54:59] Are these letters shaved?

[55:00] They have no hair.

[55:02] Thanks for answering your own question.

[55:05] Thank you.

[55:06] Letters.

[55:08] Call our party line.

[55:09] Oh, wow.

[55:10] There's a party line, too.

[55:11] Okay.

[55:12] At 1-900-976-FLOPLETTERS.COM.

[55:16] All right.

[55:17] So...

[55:18] You have to spell out D-O-T because it's a phone.

Dan McCoy

[55:20] This first letter goes like this.

[55:23] Hello, Flophunks.

[55:25] I went through a hard breakup a while ago and your show constantly helped me to laugh through

[55:29] a bad time.

[55:30] We're glad we could help you.

[55:31] And also acted as a guide when I just started...

[55:33] I just decided to start dating again.

[55:36] A friend set me up with her cousin.

[55:40] Thanks, Stu.

[55:42] A friend set me up with her cousin.

[55:45] He's cute.

[55:46] An architect.

[55:47] Likes movies and brunette girls.

[55:48] It'll be great.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Baby?

[55:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:52] He's the architect, right?

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] I think so.

[55:54] Or the dad on Brady Bunch?

[55:55] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[55:56] I went to dinner with this man who is bearded and scholarly looking.

[56:00] Okay.

[56:00] Ooh, a Dan type, I cooed to myself.

[56:03] During dinner, he told me that he really enjoyed older classic movies and musicals.

[56:08] Ooh, an Elliot type, I amended in my mind.

[56:11] I really like the older Disney movies, too, my date said.

[56:14] Imagine my abject horror at the words that he said next.

[56:17] My favorite has to be The Happiest Millionaire.

[56:21] Yowza.

[56:22] The date went downhill, and for other reasons besides a terrible taste in film, I did not see him again.

[56:28] Smash cut to a few months ago when I was riding the BART and listening to episode 124, Stolen.

[56:35] Riding a guy named BART.

[56:36] Stolen.

[56:37] I was laughing so hard at age that I started to choke on my gum.

[56:45] A man from across the carriage came over and slapped me on the back, effectively saving my life.

[56:50] I looked up into the eyes of my rescuer.

[56:53] Ooh, a Stuart type.

[56:54] We've been happily dating ever since, and it's all thanks to you three.

[56:58] My heroes.

[56:59] All my flopping love.

[57:01] P.

[57:02] P.S.

[57:02] Stuart, could you please say dinosaur?

[57:05] Mm, yeah, that's the stuff.

[57:06] Dino Sour.

[57:08] I don't think that's what she wanted.

[57:11] I think it's pretty close to what she wanted.

[57:14] That's from Paloma, last name with Held.

Elliott Kalan

[57:16] Paloma, that's an inspiring tale of romance deferred and defound.

[57:21] Thank you, I'm glad we could play a part in it.

Dan McCoy

[57:23] It's an inspiring tale of mine and Elliot's types being rejected in favor of a Stuart type.

Stuart Wellington

[57:29] It happens sometimes, guys.

[57:31] It's called life.

Elliott Kalan

[57:32] Yeah.

[57:32] And it happens a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[57:33] And it's a serial.

[57:35] Guys, guys, it gets better.

Elliott Kalan

[57:37] Is that the video?

[57:39] Again, Stuart, hi, it's me, Dan Savage.

[57:41] I'm not even sure what this video is targeted at two people who are friends of yours.

[57:45] I don't know why you couldn't just tell them this.

[57:47] Instead of making a video and putting it on our It Gets Better website.

[57:51] Shoulder Shrug.

[57:52] Speaking of, Stuart, it's me, Dan Savage.

[57:54] I have a poop pants-based video.

[57:56] Is there a website I could upload it to?

[57:58] Maybe that is used to user-generated content?

Stuart Wellington

[58:01] Yeah, it's pooppantsvid.xxx.

[58:02] Now, is that?

[58:03] Now, this isn't a Bourne movie.

[58:04] No, this is for medical and entertainment purposes.

Elliott Kalan

[58:08] Okay, I'll put it up there right away.

[58:10] Thanks very much.

[58:10] Dan Savage again.

[58:11] Thanks, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[58:14] This next letter.

[58:15] It seems to me that you were all unaware while blithely discussing vampires that you'd invoked

[58:20] the name of the vampire with the fewest known number of weaknesses.

[58:24] Count Chocula.

[58:25] There's a Wikipedia page that proves this.

[58:29] And she includes a link to a Wikipedia page that shows that Count Chocula's only known

[58:35] weaknesses get soggy and melt.

[58:38] Why would you just throw a vampire in milk?

[58:40] There's a good reason we don't invite Count Chocula into our home.

[58:44] Well, that and diabetes.

[58:45] Keep up the good work.

[58:47] Amy, last name was spelled.

[58:48] Well, Amy, a pertinent warning.

[58:50] Yeah.

[58:51] The most powerful of vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[58:53] I thought he was weak against the talons of the fruit brute.

[58:59] No, no.

[58:59] They're friends.

[59:00] Oh, they're...

[59:01] Wait.

[59:01] Do they, like, hang out and stuff?

[59:03] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:03] Sure.

[59:03] Yeah, yeah.

[59:04] Some sort of monster mash?

[59:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:06] Boo Berry has a poker game every week.

[59:08] Yeah.

[59:08] They do not invite Yummy Mommy.

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] Of course not.

[59:11] He can't...

[59:12] He has no tells because his face is wrapped in bandages.

[59:16] Sure.

[59:16] And what's that...

[59:17] What's the...

[59:18] Frankenberry?

[59:18] Is that the other one?

[59:19] Yeah, Frankenberry's the one that...

[59:21] Or is it Frankenberry's monster?

[59:22] Now, this is a big dilemma that we've had a lot.

[59:26] It's...

[59:26] Frankenberry is just a serial named after its creator.

[59:29] Mm-hmm.

[59:30] So, the fact that Frankenberry's monster appears on the box is a totally different issue.

[59:34] That's a rights thing.

[59:35] Okay.

[59:36] Frankenberry, the doctor, is a kind of Thomas Pynchon type.

[59:39] He doesn't want to appear in photographs.

[59:40] And he creates cereal?

[59:42] And monsters, yes.

[59:43] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[59:45] He cobbles together cereal from bits and pieces of other cereals.

Elliott Kalan

[59:48] Yeah, yeah.

[59:49] That's why when you open it up, there's, like, a little bit of Lucky Charms.

[59:51] There's a Cheerio.

[59:52] There's a Crispix.

[59:53] It's all in there.

Stuart Wellington

[59:54] Sounds like the contents of my couch cushions.

Dan McCoy

[59:59] Delicious.

[1:00:00] So, this next letter.

[1:00:03] As connoisseurs of all forms of cinema, I was wondering...

[1:00:06] No one pronounces it like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:07] I was wondering...

[1:00:08] Connoisseurs.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:11] I was wondering what your thoughts are on film titles that are questions and the corresponding answers.

[1:00:16] Like who's Harry Crumb?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:18] I don't know what I was going to say, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:20] For instance...

[1:00:21] Uncle Buck?

[1:00:23] Gone with the wind?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:24] For instance, question.

[1:00:26] Who framed Roger Rabbit?

[1:00:28] Answer.

[1:00:29] Doc Brown.

[1:00:30] Question.

[1:00:31] What's eating Gilbert Grape?

[1:00:33] Answer.

[1:00:33] Gargantuan mom, special brother, shagging Mary Steenburgen.

[1:00:37] Question.

[1:00:38] A talking cat?

[1:00:40] Answer.

[1:00:40] I know, right?

[1:00:42] What movie title questions have the most illuminating, amusing, or spoiler-tastic answers?

[1:00:48] Ben Lastand with Helms.

[1:00:50] I mean...

[1:00:51] Maybe what about Bob?

[1:00:53] I don't know.

[1:00:54] What about Bob?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] He's just an...

[1:00:56] He's irritating.

[1:00:57] He's an irritating guy that everybody loves but Richie D.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:00] Yeah.

[1:01:00] That's what I call Richard Dreyfuss.

[1:01:01] Now, the question...

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:02] You know when you need a Slyza Dreyf.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:04] You just call him.

[1:01:05] Hey, Richie D.

[1:01:06] Come on by.

[1:01:06] You do raise a good question, though.

[1:01:08] Who is Harry Crumb?

[1:01:09] He's John Candy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:12] No, that's too easy.

[1:01:13] Yeah, but on a deeper level.

[1:01:14] That's too obvious.

[1:01:15] I think they're trying to pull one over on us.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:17] Like, existentially, who's Harry Crumb?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:18] Yeah, what are some other...

[1:01:20] There's lots of movies with questions in the title.

[1:01:23] I don't know.

[1:01:24] That doesn't really matter.

[1:01:25] Why Did I Get Married?

[1:01:25] Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?

[1:01:27] Yeah, you know, or...

[1:01:28] Why Did I Get Married 2?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:33] Wild Hogs?

[1:01:35] That's not a question.

[1:01:37] Wild Hogs?

[1:01:38] Do you want a man?

[1:01:40] Yes, I want a man.

[1:01:41] Why are you saying it like that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:43] Are you Cajun?

[1:01:45] What I understand.

[1:01:46] Why would you pronounce it that way?

[1:01:49] It's hard for me to think of any that are particularly dumb, aside from who's Harry Crumb.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:53] So listeners, write in and remind us of all the great titles that are questions.

[1:01:58] That are questions.

[1:01:59] And then we'll respond to those questions with answers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:02] Oh, all right.

[1:02:03] Okay, yeah, it's a little game we can play.

[1:02:05] Much like a ghost would play.

[1:02:06] I don't play a game.

[1:02:08] I'm the booby ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:09] What is it with killers in games?

[1:02:10] They always want to play them.

[1:02:12] Yep.

[1:02:12] It was like what we were talking about the other day, about how all killers are also really,

[1:02:18] like, crafty.

[1:02:19] Yeah, they love making crafts.

[1:02:21] And how there needs to be a movie where the FBI serial killer profile goes undercover at

[1:02:26] a Michael's craft shop to try and catch the killer.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] Selling their murders on Etsy.

[1:02:33] Yeah, exactly.

[1:02:34] So last letter of the evening.

[1:02:37] It was a little something like this.

[1:02:38] Hey, we all know that Elliot is obsessed with words that sound like other words.

[1:02:43] A subset of this mania.

[1:02:44] It's a compulsion.

[1:02:45] Is his letter song.

[1:02:46] In which his neurotic impulse is put to tuneful gibberings.

[1:02:50] Now, I enjoy the letter song.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:52] The best part about this episode is that you didn't really do a letter song.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:54] No, I'm trying something different today.

[1:02:57] I enjoy the letter song.

[1:02:58] It was a letters erotic advertisement.

[1:03:00] As much as the next flopper.

[1:03:02] But I sense Elliot's rhyming well has run dry.

[1:03:05] Accordingly, and to jumpstart the letter song segment, enclosed, please find a list of words

[1:03:10] that sound like the word letters.

[1:03:12] I'm taking the liberty of striking those that Elliot has used in the past.

[1:03:16] Please ask Elliot to laminate this form.

[1:03:18] Popeye's chicken grease stains, anyone?

[1:03:21] And carry it with him.

[1:03:21] Yes, please.

[1:03:22] To future podcasts.

[1:03:24] Thanks and keep up the great work.

[1:03:25] Your podcast could not be any better.

[1:03:28] Wink?

[1:03:30] So here are the list of words.

[1:03:31] Because it rhymes with Eddie Vedder.

[1:03:32] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:33] Vedder.

[1:03:34] Fretter.

[1:03:35] Go getter.

[1:03:36] Fretter.

[1:03:37] Oh, like you fret, I see.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:38] Oh, I thought it was if, like, somebody was more Freddy Krueger than Freddy Krueger.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:43] Like if the shredder's real name was Fred.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:48] Like, no, fretter doesn't work.

[1:03:49] Let's go with something else.

[1:03:50] Well, you're covered in knives.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:52] It's what Shredder's roommate calls him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:55] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:56] Shredder.

[1:03:57] Coming to my party next week?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:59] His roommate, what, Rob Schneider?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:02] Or Fred Schneider, maybe?

[1:04:03] The Shredman.

[1:04:06] Shredman.

[1:04:08] It's my roommate, Aroku Sucky.

[1:04:15] Making turtle soup.

[1:04:20] Working with a robot with a brain in his belly.

[1:04:25] The technodrome is a little old place where.

[1:04:32] Jet setter.

[1:04:33] With his friend Rocksteady.

[1:04:34] It's working on the top.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:41] I want to hear that in my dreams.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:45] In my dreams.

[1:04:47] So what other words are there?

[1:04:49] Keter, from ancient Greek, the pure, originally used by practitioners of orphism.

[1:04:55] I'm not using that one.

[1:04:56] Let her.

[1:04:57] Met her.

[1:04:58] Irish setter.

[1:04:59] Oh, that's good.

[1:05:00] Sweater.

[1:05:01] Wetter.

[1:05:02] Pipetter.

[1:05:03] Upset her.

[1:05:05] Heder.

[1:05:05] Deadter.

[1:05:06] Cheddar.

[1:05:07] Shredder.

[1:05:07] Sledder.

[1:05:09] Edivetter.

[1:05:09] Bell Pepper.

[1:05:13] Zubin Metta.

[1:05:14] Okay, those are slant rhymes at best.

[1:05:17] Michael, last name of help.

[1:05:19] I appreciate the help, Michael.

[1:05:20] Michael on the inside.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:21] Wow, really?

[1:05:22] He's a huge fan.

[1:05:24] Thank you for your help, Michael.

[1:05:26] And you were great in Scanners.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:28] Yeah.

[1:05:30] And Starship Troopers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:32] Sure.

[1:05:32] Starship Poopers.

[1:05:33] And Showgirls.

[1:05:34] He's been good in everything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:38] Ironically, not in Iron Sides.

[1:05:39] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:42] So, this is the last segment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:45] We do more letters?

[1:05:46] No.

[1:05:46] Yeah.

[1:05:46] I think I sing another song.

[1:05:48] I don't think so.

[1:05:49] Do we watch Unfriended again?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:52] This is the part of the show where we watch the movie a second time, knowing what happens.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:56] This is the part where we recommend a movie that we actually liked, you know, in contrast to the usual crap.

[1:06:07] And it being Shocktober, maybe a horror movie?

[1:06:11] It doesn't have to be.

[1:06:14] It's a suggestion.

[1:06:15] Well, mine is not.

[1:06:16] So, there you go.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:18] I'm going to go first, guys.

[1:06:19] I'll go for it.

[1:06:19] Because this one is going to ruffle some feathers.

[1:06:22] Maybe I should go last.

[1:06:24] Nope.

[1:06:24] Just kidding.

[1:06:25] I'm going to go first.

[1:06:26] So, today, guys, I'm going to recommend a little movie that I think is about some kids who go to their grandma's house,

[1:06:33] and then their grandma turns out to be a killer granny.

[1:06:36] That movie is in theaters now called The Visit.

[1:06:40] Now, I'm recommending it.

[1:06:41] I haven't actually seen this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:44] Oh, wait a minute.

[1:06:45] Tell me the back story on this one.

[1:06:49] I'm glad you're going to hear me out.

[1:06:50] It did seem like you were a little vague on the plot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:53] So, this is a movie I saw a trailer for, and it had me hooked from the first frame.

[1:06:59] First off, I think it's a found footage movie.

[1:07:04] Somebody's filming this granny having kids over.

[1:07:06] I don't know.

[1:07:07] It's crazy.

[1:07:08] And these kids find out that their grandparents are more than meets the eye.

[1:07:13] They're transformers?

[1:07:14] Yeah.

[1:07:14] They're transforming into demons, probably.

[1:07:18] So, I think their grandparents try to kill them.

[1:07:21] I'm not sure, because as I said before, I haven't seen it yet.

[1:07:24] But you guys can watch it, and then tell me what you think.

[1:07:28] Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:28] So, wait.

[1:07:29] You're recommending that people go see it and, what, review it for you?

[1:07:32] Yeah, sure.

[1:07:32] Why not?

[1:07:33] Okay.

[1:07:34] Dan, that was the most ludicrous review I've heard yet.

[1:07:36] See if you can top him.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:39] You just got off a plane, didn't you?

[1:07:42] So, how many movies did you see?

[1:07:43] I actually only watched one movie on the plane, and I didn't like it enough to recommend it.

[1:07:48] I watched Tomorrowland, which was better than I'd heard, but not good enough to suggest.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:53] You were too distracted by the Emmy that was sitting on your lap.

[1:07:56] Yeah.

[1:07:56] Emmy Rossum from TV's Shameless.

[1:07:59] Would be distracted by that.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:01] I'm going to recommend a movie that I actually haven't seen in a while, but I remember liking...

[1:08:07] It's called The Visit.

[1:08:08] Never saw it.

[1:08:10] It's a trim 66 minutes.

[1:08:13] It's directed by Jacques Turner and produced by Val Lewton.

[1:08:16] It's called The Leopard Man.

[1:08:18] Okay, that is a good movie.

[1:08:19] About, there's some murders, a leopard escapes, but is it the leopard that's killing people?

[1:08:26] Or is it a man that's killing people?

[1:08:29] And it has, you know, all of Jacques Turner's movies are heavy on the atmospherics, heavy on the suggestion.

[1:08:36] Well, Val Lewton's movies.

[1:08:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:38] Jacques Turner went on to do a number of different types of movies.

[1:08:41] That's true.

[1:08:41] He did Out of the Past, right?

[1:08:43] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:44] Another of his.

[1:08:45] Jack Turner?

[1:08:47] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:48] Yeah, Jack Turner.

[1:08:48] Jackson Jack Turner.

[1:08:49] When he came to Ellis Island, that's what they changed his name to.

[1:08:53] Turner D. Century.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:55] This is the same guy.

[1:08:57] Turner and Hooch.

[1:08:59] Same man who did I Walked with a Zombie, or same team that did I Walked with a Zombie,

[1:09:04] same team that did Cat People.

[1:09:06] This is a slightly lesser known movie, but very enjoyable.

[1:09:09] Has a cat in it.

[1:09:10] If you're looking for a classic horror movie, you could do worse than The Leopard Man.

[1:09:15] Again, a trim 66 minutes.

[1:09:18] Wow.

[1:09:19] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:21] Have an hour until your appointment?

[1:09:22] Go ahead and watch it.

[1:09:23] You're only going to be six minutes late.

[1:09:26] I am not recommending a horror movie tonight because I did not have one prepared because I don't have to answer to you people.

[1:09:33] Come on, I'm a busy man.

[1:09:34] I got lots of things on my plate.

[1:09:36] I am going to recommend a movie that is a 70s noir type movie.

[1:09:43] It's in many ways the movie that I wished Robert Altman's The Long Goodbye was, which is strange because Robert Altman produced this movie, not directed.

[1:09:51] And that's The Late Show with Art Carney and Lily Tomlin, where Art Carney is an aging, over-the-hill detective who gets drawn into a mystery when his partner is killed.

[1:10:02] And it's somehow related to Lily Tomlin's missing cat.

[1:10:05] And Lily Tomlin is very funny in it.

[1:10:08] It's not really a comedy per se, but there's a lot of funny things in it.

[1:10:13] Like clowns?

[1:10:15] Yeah, yeah.

[1:10:16] There's a clown character.

[1:10:17] The villain's a clown.

[1:10:18] A lot of whoopee cushions.

[1:10:19] But it operates in this...

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:21] Sprung to life due to evil magics.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:23] It operates in this place kind of between drama and comedy.

[1:10:27] And the characters are really strong.

[1:10:30] And there's some great performances in it by some...

[1:10:32] What?

[1:10:33] What are you laughing?

[1:10:34] Yeah, because Hercules is in it.

[1:10:36] Take it literally.

[1:10:37] I was just remembering that Stuart recommended him or he didn't see.

[1:10:40] There's some fun performances in it by Bill Macy.

[1:10:44] Not William H. Macy, but Bill Macy from the TV show Mod.

[1:10:47] And Eugene Roche, who's a character actor who's in lots and lots of stuff.

[1:10:50] You'll recognize him when you see him.

[1:10:52] And it's just a really...

[1:10:54] Like a movie that for the amount of murders it has in it is very sweet.

[1:11:00] So that's The Late Show with Art Carney and Lily Tomlin, directed and written by Robert Benton.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:04] Two solid recommendations and one question mark.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:08] One that was more of a recommendation to go and have an adventure.

[1:11:10] Live life on the wild side.

[1:11:12] Maybe see a movie that you haven't had recommended to you.

[1:11:15] Give it a shot.

[1:11:16] Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't.

[1:11:17] Worst to lose is a couple hours and 20 bucks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:19] 20 bucks?

[1:11:21] Where are you seeing this movie?

[1:11:22] On Mars?

[1:11:22] I haven't seen it.

[1:11:23] Are you a mom?

[1:11:26] Mars needed me.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:28] So wait, that extra money is like the fucking price to go to Mars?

[1:11:33] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:33] It's the M4V.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:35] No, they just charge more on Mars.

[1:11:37] Because they got to get them...

[1:11:38] The exchange rate's fucking terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:40] Because everything has to be rocket blasted up there.

[1:11:42] They have no...

[1:11:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:43] They're like, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:44] And the exchange rate to Martian crowns is super bad.

[1:11:47] Is that the Martian currency?

[1:11:48] Super bad the movie.

[1:11:49] You have to trade in a DVD copy of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:52] So that's why Earth is losing all its copies of Superbad.

[1:11:56] Mars needs Superbad.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:58] So guys, that's one Shocktober down.

[1:12:02] I want to say though, the next episode of this podcast...

[1:12:06] Has been cancelled.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:08] Because this is the Shocktober that the mystics have warned us about.

[1:12:13] When they cast out the runestones and read them, they see four Shocktober episodes this year.

[1:12:19] Oh, what?

[1:12:20] Due to...

[1:12:21] Boogans indeed, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:22] A confluence of the number of weeks in October.

[1:12:27] And a maximum fun promotion, though, before...

[1:12:31] The Great Switcheroo.

[1:12:32] ...Shocktober episodes.

[1:12:32] And that's what I wanted to say, is the next episode of this podcast will be the McElroy Brothers.

[1:12:39] As part of our switch with the Adventure Zone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:42] Wait, Griff Dog?

[1:12:44] Justinian?

[1:12:45] Uh-huh.

[1:12:46] And Trave?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:48] Trave?

[1:12:48] Trav?

[1:12:49] Trav-son?

[1:12:50] They're going to be watching a movie and then talking about it flop style?

[1:12:54] That's the rumor.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:57] That's the rumor Willis?

[1:12:58] Bruce Willis' daughter?

[1:13:01] Yes.

[1:13:02] The McElroy Brothers of, as I said, the aforementioned Adventure Zone and my brother and me will be doing an episode of this show.

[1:13:10] I can't wait to hear it.

[1:13:11] They are hysterical humans.

[1:13:13] It's going to be a good episode.

[1:13:14] Not as good as us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:14] Part of it is that I love the idea of other people who have to do what we have to do.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:20] There's been a lot of tweets that suggest that one movie has already broken them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:27] These men who ate Totino's pizza rolls for an entire hour one time.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:34] They're supermen.

[1:13:35] That'll be happening, but it also bears mentioning that at the same time we will be over on their podcast, The Adventure Zone, playing Dungeons and Dragons.

[1:13:45] So check it out.

[1:13:47] Stuart was the DM.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:48] Dan was the DM.

[1:13:49] I didn't know what he was doing.

[1:13:50] And what was Elliot?

[1:13:51] I was like a dragon man.

[1:13:53] Oh, you were a dragon man, huh?

[1:13:54] Which is also DM.

[1:13:55] Okay.

[1:13:57] And Dan McCoy, DM.

[1:13:59] We were all DMs for the day.

[1:14:00] We were all DMs.

[1:14:01] And we were all BMs.

[1:14:03] And we were joined by...

[1:14:03] Because weren't we all the poop in the universe's pants?

[1:14:06] We were all...

[1:14:07] Just like in the movie, unfriendable.

[1:14:12] I've been Elliot Kalen for the Poop House.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:16] I kind of don't want to say anything.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:17] Yeah, I don't know whether there's anything I'm going to add to that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:20] Yeah, it's kind of like...

[1:14:21] I don't know.

[1:14:22] So, he's been Elliot Poop Pants Kalen.

[1:14:25] That's the nickname.

[1:14:27] I've been Stuart Poopy Face Wellington.

[1:14:30] Gross.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:31] And I've been Dan, I'm not going to play this game, McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:34] Poop Pants McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:36] The poopiest of them all.

[1:14:38] Good fright, everybody.

[1:14:41] Spooky.

[1:14:44] Barf.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:50] Podcast sandwich.

[1:14:54] Podcast sandwich.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:57] The secret ingredient is podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:01] End beats.

[1:15:02] The secret ingredient is nerds.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:05] The candy?

[1:15:06] That's gross.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:07] Yeah.

[1:15:08] I mean, I think if you paired it with the right...

[1:15:11] Like a...

[1:15:11] Meat.

[1:15:12] Like a pimento loaf.

[1:15:14] Yeah.

[1:15:15] This is all gold.

[1:15:16] I hope this is all going into the bumper reel.

[1:15:18] Yeah.

[1:15:18] Or the bump it's real.

[1:15:19] The bump it's real.

[1:15:21] You put it in your hair to make your hair super tall.

[1:15:25] Because that's what people like to look like nowadays, is people with giant heads.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:31] You know the kids these days.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:33] Like, I want to give off the impression that I have some kind of a stretched or an elongated skull.

[1:15:41] Maximumfun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:42] Comedy and culture.

[1:15:43] Artist owned.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:44] Listener supported.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:47] Ty is a pedantic person.

[1:15:50] I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way.

[1:15:55] Gyro.

[1:15:56] Hero.

[1:15:57] Sacre bleu.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:58] Sacre bleu.

[1:15:59] Ayers Rock.

[1:16:00] Uluru.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:03] What you are witnessing is real.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:06] The participants are not actors.

[1:16:08] They are actual litigants with real cases.

[1:16:11] They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's Court.

[1:16:15] The real people's court.

[1:16:17] Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's Internet Court.

[1:16:21] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

Ep. #188 - Unfriended

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