Ep. #189 - Deliver Us from Evil

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] Classic intros.

[0:01] On tonight's Flophouse, we watched a movie.

[0:05] Called.

[0:06] Deliver Us From Evil.

[0:11] Rated G.

[0:12] For good.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:47] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:48] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:50] I'm Stuart Spooky Wellington.

[0:53] I can't live up to that intro, so I'll just say I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:56] Just remember that it was Shocktober, the spookiest time of year, dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] Stugans.

[1:05] Rattle chain, rattle chain, rattle chain.

[1:07] Skeleton sounds, skeleton sounds.

[1:10] Bat flap, bat flap, bat flap.

[1:12] Water drips, water drips.

[1:13] Candy, falling into bag sounds.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16] Why is a water drip scary?

[1:17] It's very scary.

[1:18] Because you're wasting water.

[1:19] You're like, oh man, now I've got to call the plumber.

[1:21] That's really frightening.

[1:22] The Plumber, starring Jeffrey Combs.

[1:26] Produced by Brian Usna.

[1:28] Oh, see, that's different from the movie called The Plumber than I know, the Australian one.

[1:31] Mm-hmm.

[1:32] I mean, it is.

[1:33] Is yours a super scary porno movie with Jeffrey Combs and I'm guessing Corbin Bernson?

[1:38] No.

[1:39] Are you making up this movie as you go along?

[1:41] No, I'm kind of stitching it together from other things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45] Super scary porno.

[1:48] That's what I'm looking for.

[1:50] Finally.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51] A movie that'll give me the chills and the thrills.

[1:57] It'll scare you so much the semen just bubbles up out of your spout.

[2:02] Ew.

[2:03] That's horrible.

Dan McCoy

[2:04] Okay.

[2:05] You have to see a urologist.

[2:07] I've let this go on long enough.

[2:10] Shut it down.

[2:11] Time to bring order to this primordial chaos, Dan.

[2:15] Yeah.

[2:16] Before we move on, I just want to...

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] Before we move on, we haven't even started.

[2:20] What are we moving on to?

Dan McCoy

[2:23] I was just going to say, before we went on to talking about the movie, I wanted to thank

[2:28] the McElroys for taking over the show last week.

Stuart Wellington

[2:32] Yep.

[2:32] If we sound different, it's because we're not the McElroys.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:35] If you're super sad about that, well, don't be a jerk.

[2:39] Listen to this show.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] And they have a lot of podcasts you can listen to that are very funny.

[2:42] Yeah.

[2:42] We got 80 of them.

[2:43] If last week was the first episode of the Flophouse that you listened to, then you are

[2:47] in for a shock this week.

Stuart Wellington

[2:49] Yeah.

[2:49] A Shocktober, if you will.

[2:51] I will, because that's the time of the year it is, Dan.

[2:54] What's Shocktober all about?

[2:56] Yeah.

[2:56] Well, thanks to...

[2:57] We haven't finished thanking the McElroys.

[2:59] Yeah.

[2:59] Okay.

[2:59] Before we move on, let's thank the McElroys.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] They took the car out for a spin.

[3:03] They brought it back full of gas.

[3:05] They took it...

[3:05] They got it nice washed and waxed.

[3:07] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] It's a weird compliment.

[3:09] They vacuumed up the crumbs beneath the seat.

[3:12] Mm-hmm.

[3:12] They rewound the tape and the cassette player to the exact point that I like it.

[3:16] They buffed out your butt groove out of the...

[3:19] Thanks.

[3:20] The chair.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] I think what you're saying is they did a bang-up job.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:23] And we're really happy to have them on the show.

[3:25] Thanks, guys, for doing us justice.

[3:27] Mm-hmm.

[3:28] Because we were seeking justice.

Dan McCoy

[3:30] If I seem distracted during this podcast, let me just take a moment to say that there's

[3:35] a loudly wheezing cat in the corner.

[3:37] My cat is sick.

[3:39] It's had to have been hospitalized in its back, and now it's making wheezy, wheezy noises.

[3:44] So Dan might be a little distracted by that.

[3:45] So I keep looking over there.

[3:47] And also, I dozed off a little bit toward the end of this movie.

[3:51] Don't worry, guys.

[3:51] That's why you were lying on the floor snoring.

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] And for the time being, I'm going to put my classic bit to bed, the Flophouse house

[3:58] cat.

[3:59] I'm going to put him in the little bit garage.

[4:01] I'll take him out for a spin, you know, a little while later.

[4:04] Not tonight, though.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] You haven't done it in a long time.

[4:07] Thanks for warning us.

[4:08] I have respect.

[4:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:12] If so, if anyone's listening just to hear the house cat, maybe skip this episode.

[4:16] I would hate to do the bit, and then you guys, out of, like, kind of anger and shock, just

[4:20] spit whatever you're drinking all over the keyboard, and then the computer explodes, and then

[4:25] we lose another episode.

[4:26] Yeah, we don't have Babylon AD scenario.

[4:28] Or Beastly was, that was the other one.

[4:30] No, Beastly we released.

[4:32] Beastly was Releasely, I thought.

Dan McCoy

[4:33] We had, no, we released half of it, I think.

[4:37] Oh.

[4:37] It was like.

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] It was the one where the pirate radio station started sneaking into our airwaves.

[4:42] Oh, that's right, that's right.

[4:43] When this briefly turned into a reggaeton show.

[4:46] Christian Slayer.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] Christian Slayer, which is the Christian version of the band Slayer, because they wanted to

[4:52] bring the kids back into the fold.

[4:54] Yeah.

[4:55] Complete opposite message.

[4:57] So the song Angel of Death is now called Actual Angel, who does not kill people.

[5:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] So I'd like to rely on you even more than usual, Elliot, since the first half of this movie

[5:08] I was worried about whether my cat was going to be fed through the next tube.

[5:12] And the second half you were asleep.

Elliott Kalan

[5:14] So what do we do on this here podcast, fellas?

[5:16] Dan, maybe let's, if you're not, if you didn't sleep through the part where we do the podcast

[5:19] normally.

[5:20] Sure.

[5:21] What do we do on this podcast and how does Shocktober affect that?

[5:25] Being that as that is the month that we are in now.

Stuart Wellington

[5:28] Yep.

[5:29] Check your calendar.

[5:30] Unless you're listening to this not in Shocktober, in which case, shame on you.

[5:35] Check your calend scare.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] Is that an acceptable Crypt Keeper pun off of calendar?

[5:41] Uh.

[5:42] Dan's gears are working?

[5:43] Wait, hold on.

[5:45] Let's ask the judges.

[5:46] Calendar.

[5:46] Calendar's probably best.

[5:47] Calendar's much better.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] Um.

[5:48] Wow.

[5:49] I can't believe that fell right by me.

[5:51] So this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[5:55] Mm-hmm.

[5:55] And during Shocktober, in the most magical time of the year, we watch horror movies.

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] We're like, ghouls and ghosties are popping out of toilets to scare you.

[6:03] Those are ghoulies.

[6:04] Ghoulies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:04] Not ghosties.

[6:06] Ghosties are just so close.

[6:06] That's my off-brand ghoulies.

Stuart Wellington

[6:08] You separated ghoulies into ghoulies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:11] And you combine ghoulies with ghouls and ghosts.

[6:14] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[6:15] And ghosties, I guess, is your cereal that you're producing.

[6:17] Yeah, you get struck by a ghoulie or a ghostie and your armor pops off and you run around

[6:23] and you're underpants throwing weirdly arcing torches at things.

[6:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] The tiny javelins.

[6:29] I can't remember.

[6:30] Does the ghoulie actually pop out of the toilet in the movie Ghoulies?

[6:33] I feel like the poster has-

[6:35] What about when it goes to college, Dan?

[6:36] The poster gets you in the end.

[6:38] What about any critters?

[6:39] Do they pop out of toilets?

Dan McCoy

[6:40] Well, when Ghoulie goes to college, it sticks a plunger on a showering co-ed at one point.

[6:47] Mm-hmm.

[6:47] It pulls her face off using the toilet plunger.

Stuart Wellington

[6:49] The physics of that do not add up.

[6:52] I'm just going to have to say, ghoulies go to college.

[6:53] Why didn't they do that in the movie Face Off, Dan?

[6:56] Would have saved some bucks.

[6:58] They didn't have enough, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Here's my question.

[7:01] How did the ghoulie get into college?

[7:03] Was it like a special needs scholarship or something?

Dan McCoy

[7:06] Oh, this is community college.

Stuart Wellington

[7:08] Okay.

[7:08] And do you think ghoulies would fit in the Face Off universe?

[7:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] In the weird universe where they have magnetic prison boots?

[7:15] Soilet repair is what they were going for.

[7:18] Stuart, it's all going to be in the Face Off sequel.

[7:20] Face Off 2, now there's ghoulies.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] Are those ghoulies groovy?

[7:26] No, they are not.

[7:27] Probably not.

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] So.

[7:29] So what movie did we watch this time, Dan?

[7:31] As if it wasn't announced at the beginning of the episode.

[7:33] It was called Deliver Us From Evil.

[7:37] Now, this is the story of a woman named Eva, who is very overbearing.

[7:40] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] And everyone wants to be delivered from her.

[7:42] Common mistake.

[7:43] You were watching a movie on your phone, but that's not what we're talking about.

[7:46] Yeah, Deliver Us From Eva.

[7:47] Uh-huh.

[7:48] The story of Eva Braun.

Elliott Kalan

[7:50] Oh, no kidding.

[7:51] It's a remake of Kiki's Delivery Service with Eva Braun.

[7:55] Instead of the lovable teen witch.

[7:58] Is there any Totoro's?

[7:59] From the movie Teen Witch?

[8:00] Yes.

[8:00] Which is the story of a teenager who gets turned into a sandwich.

[8:05] What kind of toppings would you have on that?

[8:07] Uh, zits, I guess.

[8:09] I don't know.

[8:09] It's a teenager.

[8:11] What?

[8:11] Bacon bits?

[8:13] Come on, Teen Witch.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] Top that.

[8:14] Come on.

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:15] Oh, I see.

[8:16] Because it topped that.

[8:17] Yeah.

[8:18] Song for Teen Witch.

[8:18] It's a classic joke.

[8:20] So, we were talking.

[8:21] Classic joke.

[8:23] We're talking about Deliver Us From Evil.

[8:25] This is the, what, like, 10th movie that has this name?

[8:28] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] There's a lot of movies with this name, but this is the only one based on the memoirs.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] With Joel McHale.

[8:33] Well, it's the only one.

[8:35] With the star power of Joel McHale.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] With the star power of Ghoul McHale.

[8:38] And starring Eric Boona.

[8:44] Delicious chicken dish.

[8:48] And Olivia Munn is in it.

[8:50] And Sean Harris.

[8:51] You didn't even try to be a first name.

[8:53] No, Olivia Munn.

[8:54] Munn is probably the best.

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:56] What about Boo-Livia Munn?

[8:58] Okay.

[8:59] Ghoul-Livia Munn?

[9:00] Boo-D-O-Dedia Munn instead of Olivia Munn.

[9:04] Boo-Liver Us From Booville.

[9:07] All the boos down in Booville.

[9:09] Yeah.

[9:09] I like Halloween a lot.

[9:11] Yeah.

[9:11] Horton Hears of Boo.

[9:12] It's the Dr. Seuss Halloween book.

[9:15] So this movie is based on memoirs.

[9:18] It's incredibly loosely.

[9:19] David Sedaris' memoirs.

[9:21] It's incredibly loosely based on the memoirs of a NYPD officer who has since become a full-time demonologist.

[9:30] Apparently he was by day a policeman and by night an exorcist type prowling the mean streets of New York looking for demons.

[9:37] I assume in Hell's Kitchen and Hell's the Bronx and Hell's East Village.

[9:43] And who can forget?

[9:44] Who can forget?

[9:46] Devil's Staten Island.

Stuart Wellington

[9:49] I can only assume that Vin Diesel was doing something else when they were making this movie.

[9:52] Because this is like right up his alley, dude.

Dan McCoy

[9:56] Yeah, man, he's the last witch hunter.

[9:58] No, that hasn't come out yet.

Stuart Wellington

[9:59] He's a cop demon on her character.

[10:00] That'd be perfect for Vin.

Dan McCoy

[10:02] That movie.

[10:02] Wasn't he all?

[10:03] Oh, no, I'm thinking of The Rock.

[10:04] I was watching the trailer for The Last Witch Hunter.

[10:07] Because why not?

[10:08] I guess this is our trailer talk segment.

[10:10] It was in front of another movie.

[10:12] That's the normal place.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] It was in front of another movie.

[10:14] And you asked it to move aside.

[10:16] So it wasn't blocking your view of the movie anymore.

Dan McCoy

[10:19] But like, I swear, like, it was the trailer.

[10:22] We're like halfway through the trailer.

[10:23] I'm like, well, they're still explaining the premise of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] Especially since the title kind of explains everything.

[10:30] He's the last witch finder.

[10:32] Witch hunter?

[10:33] General.

[10:35] And electric.

[10:36] So let's talk about it.

[10:38] The movie has a brief prologue in Iraq, where three Marines...

[10:41] In Iraq?

[10:44] Oh, Lord.

[10:46] Dan has been apparently possessed by a stupid joke demon.

[10:51] His name is Dumopheles.

Stuart Wellington

[10:57] Dumopheles.

[10:58] Sorry.

[10:59] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] He's still possessed, I guess.

[11:01] Yep.

[11:02] This gibberish demon.

[11:04] I cast the out of Dan.

[11:07] Dumple Dan.

[11:08] What?

[11:10] The apple Dumple Dan.

[11:13] The Disney movie.

[11:16] Yeah.

[11:18] Oh, boy.

[11:18] So we're three seconds into the movie.

[11:21] It's 2010.

[11:23] We're in Iraq.

[11:23] There's a firefight in Iraq, and three Marines discover an underground cave.

[11:28] There's also a bunch of bats and, you know, whatever.

[11:31] There's...

[11:31] And we hear a lot of screaming.

[11:33] Now it's 2013.

[11:34] Flash forward.

[11:35] Flash to the forward.

[11:36] Eric Abana is a police officer in the NYPD.

[11:39] That's the New York...

[11:42] Anybody?

[11:43] Police.

[11:44] Yeah, penis department.

Stuart Wellington

[11:45] Yeah.

[11:46] Dan, are you okay?

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] Sorry.

[11:48] I'm very distracted.

[11:49] Now I wonder if there is a New York penis department that's just in charge of just keeping penises

[11:53] safe.

[11:54] This guy comes in and is like, oh, we're here to read your penis meter.

[11:58] Yep.

[11:59] Same length as last month.

[12:00] I'll be back in a month.

[12:01] What do you keep your penis here?

[12:03] Every time.

Dan McCoy

[12:03] I keep it in the same place everyone keeps their penis.

[12:06] Every time the penis meter reader comes over, you're like, is this a scam?

[12:09] Are they just trying to rob my penis?

Stuart Wellington

[12:10] Sir, can you let me in the basement?

[12:11] I need to read the penis meter for the people upstairs.

Elliott Kalan

[12:14] Sir, you don't need to hang out with me while I do this.

[12:17] It's going to be a couple minutes.

[12:20] He and...

[12:22] So, Eric Abana's character, Ralph Sarchi, he is having a bad day.

[12:28] First, he finds a dead baby in a dumpster.

[12:30] Then he and his partner, Joel McHale, deal with a domestic disturbance where a guy who's

[12:35] a former Marine is hitting his wife or something.

[12:40] Him and his partner, Joel McHale.

[12:42] And him and his partner, Joel McHale, then go to another complaint where they find a...

[12:49] Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry.

[12:49] A lady is totally slam dunked a baby.

[12:52] Yeah, no, that's the difference.

[12:53] They go...

[12:53] The Marine says everything's fine.

[12:55] Although he's clearly being abusive.

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] Your ability to read Wikipedia summaries of movies has been hindered somehow.

[13:03] Are you possessed, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] I'm possessed by a demon of not caring very much about this movie.

[13:08] But then they go to the third call, which is at the Bronx Zoo, one of my favorite places

[13:12] in the city.

[13:13] I like the Museum of Natural History more.

[13:15] Maybe that's because, strangely enough, the animals seem less sad to me for being dead than

[13:20] just being imprisoned.

[13:21] But I like animals.

Stuart Wellington

[13:23] Because they've crossed over from this veil of tears.

Elliott Kalan

[13:26] Yeah, they're busy having adventures in the afterlife in Animal Halla.

[13:31] In the blazing world.

[13:32] Which is called that because it's where you can light farts pretty easily.

[13:39] So they go to the Bronx Zoo where a woman threw her child into a moat around one of the

[13:44] cages, which apparently causes the child to disappear completely.

[13:49] Nobody knows where it is.

Stuart Wellington

[13:50] Is it the same baby as the one he pulled out of that garbage bale?

[13:53] No, those are very different babies.

Elliott Kalan

[13:55] There are two times in the movie when you see children who have been killed and put into

[14:03] garbage receptacles.

[14:05] Both times.

[14:06] Stuart, what did you say?

[14:08] Both scenes?

[14:09] I said, talk about a garbage bale, kid.

[14:12] And then I asked for a high five that I never received.

[14:15] No, that high five was not forthcoming.

[14:18] They go to the Bronx Zoo.

[14:19] A woman has thrown her child into a ravine.

[14:22] And they can't figure out what it is.

[14:23] They find the woman in the dark.

[14:25] And they walk around the zoo in the dark.

[14:27] And suddenly a bear jumps out of nowhere and roars at them.

[14:31] Or suddenly some other animal makes a bunch of noise.

[14:34] Almost all the scares in this horror movie are one of two types.

[14:37] Either super gross goriness or it's dark, everything's quiet, and then something jumps out and makes

[14:43] a loud noise.

Stuart Wellington

[14:43] I feel like they pitched this movie and they're like, hey, you've heard of a cat scare, have

[14:47] you?

[14:47] Wait for it.

[14:49] How about a, wait for it, bear scare?

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] Here's how they pitched this movie.

[14:54] It's way bigger than a cat.

[14:55] They called the executives into the room and they were like, so we're going to tell you

[14:59] a story.

[14:59] And the executives were like, okay.

[15:01] And then the director didn't say anything for a while.

[15:03] The executives were like, are you going to?

[15:04] And the director went, boo!

[15:05] And all the executives were so scared.

[15:07] They're like, oh God, it's a million dollar idea.

[15:09] We got to get on board with this.

Stuart Wellington

[15:11] Let me pitch you this movie.

[15:12] Close your eyes.

[15:13] And stick your hand in this box.

[15:15] That's the witch's hair.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Really?

[15:18] Because it feels like spaghetti.

[15:20] No, it's not spaghetti at all.

[15:21] It's real slimy.

[15:22] Because it's a witch.

[15:23] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] So it seems pretty thick.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] I mean, the hair is like.

[15:27] Really starchy.

[15:28] It's like her hair is like almost like wires.

[15:31] Like the thickness that you'd find in like a small electrical cable.

[15:35] It doesn't feel like hair.

[15:36] No, no, no.

[15:36] It's totally hair.

[15:38] Because it.

[15:39] Is this a meatball that's in the hair?

[15:41] That's like, I don't know, dandruff or something.

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] It's scabs.

[15:44] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] It's pretty clearly a meatball.

[15:47] And what is that?

[15:47] This is a piece of penne.

[15:49] What is that?

[15:50] No, no, no.

[15:50] That's like.

[15:51] She has hollow hair.

[15:53] She had a catheter.

[15:54] No, no, no.

[15:55] Okay.

[15:55] Put your hand in this.

[15:56] It's the witch's eyeballs.

[15:58] Really?

[15:58] She had like 20 eyeballs that all felt like olives?

[16:01] She had a collection of them?

[16:03] I don't understand.

[16:03] Yeah, but these eyeballs she found?

[16:05] No, no.

[16:05] They were in her head, I guess, somehow.

[16:08] So much.

[16:09] You want me to believe that much like the Misfits song, 20 eyes.

[16:12] She had 20 eyes in her head.

Stuart Wellington

[16:13] So at this point, the movie pitch is not going well.

[16:16] No.

[16:16] The executives are really pushing back.

Elliott Kalan

[16:18] They were like, you really won us over with that boo at the beginning.

[16:22] We were ready.

[16:22] If you had stopped the pitch then, you'd have your movie.

[16:25] Frankly, by continuing with the pitch, you have hurt your chances.

[16:28] Here, put your hand on this.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] That's just your penis, sir.

[16:30] Oh, yeah.

[16:31] Well, tell the penis department about it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] Well, measure it for me, would you?

[16:35] I got to write the numbers on this piece of paper and mail it into the department.

[16:38] I wasn't home when the guy came to measure.

[16:41] You know that's a scam, right?

[16:42] He's just a pervo creep.

[16:43] Oh, man.

[16:44] All this time.

[16:46] Well, what if we did a movie about that?

[16:47] Nope.

[16:48] Sorry.

[16:48] That's a hard pass.

Dan McCoy

[16:51] That's a hard pass.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] You're telling me.

[16:57] Anyway, so they're at the Bronx Zoo.

[16:59] They're looking for the woman.

[17:01] And they eventually find her.

[17:02] And she is.

[17:03] She's flipping out.

[17:04] She's not so crazy.

[17:08] She's scrambling in the dirt, scratching at a rock to the point that her fingernails are chipping.

[17:13] She's mumbling, blathering, ranting.

[17:16] Some of it is the lyrics to Doors songs.

Stuart Wellington

[17:18] And at this point, if you've seen movies before, this movie's going to be using a lot of shorthand that you understand.

[17:24] Which is, if a person's face is all waxy and has smeared makeup, probably a demon.

Elliott Kalan

[17:29] If somebody has paint on their face, they're a demon in this movie.

[17:34] As seen by the fact that they're like, so nobody else is around, huh?

[17:38] Oh, well, there's that guy.

[17:42] For hours all day.

[17:43] And they look at him.

[17:45] And he turns and looks at them.

[17:46] And he's got a face like the crow.

[17:48] Like Alice Cooper in Prince of Darkness.

[17:50] Like, he looks like a crazy evil guy who they've hired to paint.

[17:54] And Eric, well, this is after Eric Banna.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] Well, you know, he put in the lowest bid to do that painting.

Elliott Kalan

[17:58] Yeah, because his bid was, I'll do it for nothing if you let me make people crazy and fill them with demons.

[18:03] But Eric Banna.

[18:05] I mean, that's a pretty good deal.

[18:06] No, I mean, from a dollars for paint point of view, that's great.

[18:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:11] He did all his work at night.

[18:13] I mean, it only probably brought more tourists.

[18:14] No, he's been working there all day, they said.

[18:16] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] He was there in the early day, just painting away with his roller and everything.

[18:21] But this is after Eric Banna has tried to get the story out of this crazy woman who is sitting on a bench, handcuffed to it, just tazzing out.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] And...

[18:33] Yeah, spinning around and going through trees.

Elliott Kalan

[18:34] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[18:36] And only appearing in like two cartoons and somehow being a merchandising juggernaut.

[18:42] Oh my God, he's the Boba Fett of Looney Tunes.

Stuart Wellington

[18:44] He's got a streetwise attitude.

[18:46] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] Put his clothes on and now turn them around.

[18:48] That's crisscross.

[18:50] He had a character like Beaky Buzzard, not nowhere near the same following.

[18:54] I don't understand it.

[18:55] So she's mumbling to herself, she's repeating Doors lyrics.

[18:59] She's clearly a crazy mad woman.

[19:01] And Eric Banna, he decides to get straight to the heart by going, hey, what's the matter with you?

[19:06] Because everyone in this movie also has super heavy, fakie New York accents.

[19:10] Everyone's like, hey, forget about it.

[19:13] Oh, demons.

[19:15] Yankees.

[19:15] Hey.

[19:16] Oh, oh.

[19:18] Satan.

[19:18] Whoa.

[19:19] I'm walking here.

[19:20] Forget about it.

[19:21] It's me, Olivia Munn.

[19:23] Oh.

[19:24] I mean, yeah.

[19:24] I mean, Olivia's is one of the better accents.

[19:26] I have to admit it.

[19:27] It's much funnier coming from her than other people.

[19:28] Well, saying the name, certainly.

[19:30] It's me, Eric Banna.

[19:31] I played the Hulk.

[19:32] Oh, I'm smashing here.

[19:34] From Australia.

[19:36] This is what I sound like.

[19:38] Classic outback accent.

[19:39] It's me, Joe McHale.

[19:41] Nobody knows where I'm from.

[19:42] Whatever.

[19:43] Fuck you.

[19:43] Forget about it.

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] Now look at this clip from The Real Housewives.

[19:48] Hey, you'll like it.

[19:51] You'll like it.

[19:52] Yeah.

[19:52] Sounds like a nonchalant Italian waiter right there.

[19:55] Nonchalant, indeed.

[19:56] Nonchalant.

[19:58] The hard cha that says, I've spoken that word before.

[20:03] I was trying it out, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] So after talking, I appreciate that.

[20:08] I want to change my image a little bit.

[20:09] I shouldn't shame you for trying new things.

[20:11] I'm trying to be the sophisticated one.

[20:15] And so after failing to get an answer with his, hey, what's wrong with you?

[20:21] He goes, oh, they point out the creepy painting guy.

[20:24] And he runs after him.

[20:25] What's great is he goes, hey, come over here.

[20:27] And the painting guy just kind of drops his roller and walks away like, whatever.

[20:31] I don't need to deal with this.

[20:33] That's going to inform his acting choices for the rest of the movie.

[20:36] Until the end when he gets super intense.

[20:38] And I have to say this.

[20:41] I always feel so much pity or mercy.

[20:46] For fools.

[20:47] Yeah.

[20:48] You got to pity him.

[20:49] But the, well, if they mess with the T-Man.

[20:53] Yeah.

[20:54] But for the people who have to play the possessed villain in these types of movies, they're never the big star.

[21:01] They never get top billing.

[21:02] Like, unless you're Anthony Hopkins in a Hannibal movie, you have to put in the most physically intense acting job of the movie.

[21:10] And you get very little credit because you're essentially a walking special effect for most of it.

[21:14] You get goop slather all over you.

[21:15] You got to be covered in goop.

[21:16] You got to have, like, tattoos carved into your body.

[21:19] Because he did that for real, clearly.

[21:21] And the demon here is played by the guy in Prometheus who gets lost and is killed by that lamprey monster.

[21:28] And then comes back all zombified and kills a couple people.

[21:31] And he's not a terrible actor.

Stuart Wellington

[21:33] No, he played who?

[21:35] The guy from Joy Division in 24 Hour Party People.

Elliott Kalan

[21:38] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:38] So he's real, you know, typecast.

Elliott Kalan

[21:43] He's either playing a possessed demon guy, an alien zombified person, or Ian Curtis.

[21:48] Mm-hmm.

[21:49] But the, so he, they follow him into the zoo.

[21:52] And he leads Eric Bana into a little bit of a trap we like to call the lion's den.

[21:58] In that it is a den with two lions in it.

[22:00] Mm-hmm.

[22:00] And Eric Bana narrowly escapes as the goofiest zookeeper in the world tries desperately to help him out.

[22:07] It's like, they might as well just cast the ghost of Don Knotts as the zookeeper.

[22:11] Like, the character that Dennis Weaver plays in Touch of Evil, that weird hotel keeper, he is like, seems like a reason, like a normal human being next to this goofball.

[22:21] Like, I don't know why a Hanna-Barbera character suddenly walked into the movie and started working at a zoo.

[22:27] But anyway, it, it, the style clashes somewhat with these.

Stuart Wellington

[22:30] He was assuming he was going to be wiped out and they were going to put an animated character in his place.

[22:35] He was just doing the voices.

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] He thought he was hired originally for the role of Body Double for Hong Kong Phooey.

Dan McCoy

[22:43] But, so.

[22:45] Yeah, that, that's all done with motion capture, right?

[22:47] Hong Kong Phooey.

Stuart Wellington

[22:48] And Body Double for Hong Kong Phooey was a really weird sequel to Body Double.

Elliott Kalan

[22:54] It's similar to the same, to the original movie.

Dan McCoy

[22:56] Yeah, you had Craig Wesson across the street watching Hong Kong Phooey's strip.

Elliott Kalan

[23:01] Just taking off that kimono, I guess, because he leaves the mask on, I assume.

[23:06] Or is he stripping out of his janitor's clothes?

[23:08] That's right.

[23:10] So, when did, when did Brian De Palma stop working with Hanna-Barbera characters?

[23:17] Was it after, was it after Scrappy-Doo Sisters?

Stuart Wellington

[23:21] It was certainly not, wait, he made Snake Eyes, right?

[23:23] Yeah, yeah.

[23:24] Well, Snake Eyes is full of them.

[23:27] That's why it's called Snake Eyes, because of all the snake men.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] When he did Raising Jabberjaw with John Lithgow and Jabberjaw.

[23:33] Sure.

[23:34] But, anyway, where were we?

[23:36] Oh, yes, they go to the zoo.

[23:37] They lose the bad guy.

[23:38] But he narrowly escapes being eaten by a lion.

[23:41] And you learn that in this movie that all animals are evil.

[23:44] They are just, like, the devil can just control them.

[23:46] Yep.

[23:48] They sent, the woman gets transferred, her name is Jane, gets transferred from the police station to a mental health facility under the care of a Jesuit priest named Mendoza.

[23:57] And he is.

[23:58] He's a drug dealer, apparently.

[24:01] And he is a cool Jesuit priest.

[24:03] He smokes, he drinks, he wears a leather jacket, he's got long hair, he checks out girls' butts when they walk by him.

[24:09] He's essentially James Woods in Vampires.

[24:12] Mm-hmm.

[24:12] Except, whereas Vampires realized, hey, why don't we make this badass, like, smoking-drinking priest character who fights evil into the hero of the movie.

[24:23] Here he's, like, the sidekick, guide, bagger vance type who kind of leads the NYPD guy through.

[24:29] And he's also, this priest is not as cool as the movie wants us to believe.

Dan McCoy

[24:31] The James Woods character is also kind of a joke.

[24:34] Like, it's just like, hey, what if we made a priest, like, a real asshole?

[24:37] Yeah.

[24:37] Whereas this one is just supposed to be, like, a sexy Latin priest.

[24:41] I guess so.

Stuart Wellington

[24:41] This movie, basically, not to jump too far ahead, but they try the classic cop plus not a cop.

Elliott Kalan

[24:49] Cop, cop and a half, we call it.

Stuart Wellington

[24:51] You're at a certain point, he's like.

Dan McCoy

[24:53] I just blown my mind by boiling down, like, 50% of pop culture for the last.

[24:58] All entertainment.

Stuart Wellington

[25:00] 75 years.

[25:01] Because after a certain point, he's like, I know that he gets killed.

[25:05] Spoiler alert.

[25:05] But after a certain point, he even stops hanging out with his partner.

[25:08] He's just hanging out with this priest.

[25:10] Yeah.

[25:10] Well, his partner does die eventually, so that's part of the reason.

[25:14] Because that's what happens.

Elliott Kalan

[25:15] When your partner dies, they make you ride around with a priest for a while.

[25:19] This is NYPD law.

[25:21] When your partner dies, you're automatically partnered up.

[25:23] The New York Penis Department?

[25:24] Yes, the New York Penis Department.

[25:25] You're automatically partnered up with whoever you're with at the moment.

[25:28] Even if they're not a cop, they're a cop now.

[25:30] Okay.

[25:31] You see so many landlord and superintendent cops now.

[25:36] Because they just let the two cops into the building.

[25:39] One of them dies of, like, a heart attack.

[25:41] That superintendent is now a cop.

Dan McCoy

[25:42] Okay, wow.

[25:43] I would like to hear your pitch for a cop, not a cop show.

[25:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:47] I mean, that's basically every show, but let me see.

[25:50] Yeah, Family Matters.

[25:51] That was a cop, not a cop show.

[25:53] The cop, Carl Winslow.

[25:54] The not a cop, Steve Urkel.

[25:56] I'm glad that he's getting co-billing with Carl Winslow at this point.

[26:02] I mean, I don't know.

[26:03] You can do a cop plus, I don't know, an ice cream vendor.

[26:06] That's a pretty clear one.

[26:07] Sure.

[26:08] Call it Cone Patrol.

[26:10] So it's a boob movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] Yeah, it's a boob movie.

Stuart Wellington

[26:13] So what's another one?

[26:14] Give us another one.

[26:15] Are boobs cones in this scenario?

[26:17] Yeah, totally.

[26:18] Or the ice cream, the dollops of ice cream that are being served on them.

[26:22] That feels terrible for everybody.

[26:24] Delicious dairy lumps.

[26:26] Oh, God.

[26:27] It's terrible.

[26:29] So what's another one?

[26:30] That's Cone Patrol.

[26:31] Give us another cop, not a cop.

[26:32] We got a cop, of course, and I don't know.

[26:35] It goes without saying.

[26:37] I would say a lamp salesman.

[26:40] Okay, what do we call that one?

[26:42] Well, they're turning the harsh light on the crime.

[26:46] Okay.

[26:46] And we'll call it shades.

[26:48] Okay, sounds good.

[26:49] Lamp shades.

[26:50] No, we got it, yeah.

[26:51] We call it shades comma lamp shades.

[26:53] What?

[26:54] That's shades lamp shades?

[26:56] Wait, is that like.

[26:56] Yeah, because it's Officer Shades.

[26:59] And Jonathan Lamp Shades.

[27:00] I thought that was like how he introduced himself.

[27:02] I'm shades.

[27:03] His dad invented lamp shades.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] And he went to the lighting business.

[27:06] So what you're telling me is that lamp shades were named after their inventor, and we got the word lamp because shades was a preexisting cognate.

[27:15] And it's just a coincidence that he had shades in his name.

Stuart Wellington

[27:19] Well, his name was lamp shades, so he was naturally going to be drawn to lamps.

[27:23] So he's a moth?

[27:25] Kind of, if that's what you consider lamp shades to be.

[27:29] Let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[27:30] Okay, so cop, not a cop.

[27:31] A couple different ideas.

[27:32] If you have more suggestions for Stuart, send them in, I guess.

[27:35] With the hashtag, bad idea.

Dan McCoy

[27:38] Write them on a letter.

[27:39] A scary idea.

[27:40] Stick it down the sewer.

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] And maybe the Ninja Turtles will enjoy it because they don't get to go to the movies.

Stuart Wellington

[27:45] Otherwise, they're just going to pass it along to like USA because that's half their fucking shows, dude.

[27:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:51] Send it in the sewers so that a chud can find it and have a laugh.

[27:55] Brighten up its terrible chuddy existence for a moment.

[27:59] We'll shorten this a little bit.

[28:00] They get called to another house where there's spooky goings on.

[28:05] And they go down to the basement.

[28:08] Eric Bana hallucinates a couple scary things.

[28:10] And then a dead body literally falls out of the wall.

[28:14] And then bloats and its guts fall out and flies pop out of its eyes.

[28:18] Super gross.

Dan McCoy

[28:19] Yeah, it was genuinely gross.

[28:20] Super gross.

Stuart Wellington

[28:21] It was really fun to be eating dinner when we watched that part.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] I normally am not affected by that shit when I'm eating.

[28:26] And this time I was like, all right, well, this is doing something.

[28:29] I saw that.

Stuart Wellington

[28:29] I'm like, man, I should work out more.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] And this is, and we haven't, I think.

[28:34] I don't want flies to burst out of my belly.

[28:36] And I don't think by that point they had gotten yet to the, oh, no.

[28:40] Then they follow the address on that guy's driver's license to his apartment where they find all sorts of gross stuff.

[28:48] There's roaches everywhere and bags of garbage and a whole.

[28:51] But no lights.

[28:52] Fuck that.

[28:52] No lights.

[28:53] All the lights are out or don't exist.

[28:54] There's a whole serial killer collage on the wall of teeth and eyes and stuff.

[29:00] And they go into another room where there's a live dog, which, of course, jumps out and barks to be scary.

[29:06] How about a dog scare?

[29:08] And speaking of cat scares, Joel McHale literally turns and his flashlight reveals that on the wall right behind him was a cat that was crucified.

[29:16] And then its chest opened up and its guts pulled out.

[29:19] Yeah, I didn't care for that.

[29:20] It is disgusting.

[29:21] But it's also.

[29:21] For our sins.

[29:22] But it was also.

[29:23] Yeah.

[29:23] Jesus cats.

[29:25] Well, not our sins.

[29:26] Cat sins.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:27] Sure.

[29:28] Because cats were.

[29:29] Because of the first two cats.

[29:30] Oh, my God.

[29:31] Cat Adam and Cat Eve.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] What a missed opportunity.

[29:33] They could have put in an easy nine lives joke in there.

[29:36] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[29:36] But they failed.

[29:37] It was pretty funny just the reveal that right behind him was a crucified cat.

[29:41] Just like you guys really didn't notice anything that was going on in the room, did you?

Dan McCoy

[29:45] Now I'm imagining a Jesus cat performing the miracle of multiplying the fish skeletons for all the other cats.

[29:52] Nice.

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] Nice.

[29:53] It's very riffraff.

[29:55] Turning fish into wine.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] Well, and right before that was a genuinely kind of cool image when the dog that jumps out and scares you has what looks like a crucifix around its collar.

[30:06] But like the light pans down and you see that the Jesus on the cross has goat legs.

Elliott Kalan

[30:12] Yeah, there's a couple of images.

[30:13] They're like, I'll say this for the movie.

[30:15] It's fucking gross.

[30:16] It's super gross.

[30:18] And I was like, what are we watching NBC's Hannibal?

[30:20] What's going on here?

[30:21] But there are a couple images in it that are like genuinely creepy.

[30:25] There are moments in it that are genuinely creepy and disquieting, but mostly it's jump out scares and like, oh, it's dark.

Stuart Wellington

[30:34] It's just shot so dark.

[30:36] I mean, the guy directed Sinister, which is another movie that gets most of its atmosphere because the entire movie is super duper dark.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] It looks like he saw Seven and he was like, I can out dark that.

[30:46] Let's put more fake rain in this scene.

[30:48] And the rain in this movie looks terrible.

[30:51] It's constantly raining in different scenes.

[30:53] Well, it's not constantly raining.

[30:54] It's raining in many scenes.

[30:55] And you know how usually they angle the rain, the sprinklers, they're shooting up so that the rain falls down in a more natural pattern of gravity.

[31:03] I don't know how they do it.

[31:05] Movie magic.

[31:06] A little bit of movie magic for you.

[31:07] What's this stuff you should know all of a sudden?

[31:09] Yeah, that's what this is.

[31:09] Movie stuff you should know.

[31:11] Movie edition for movies.

[31:12] But in this, it just looks like everyone's standing under sprinkler head, shower heads, or just like a row of lawn sprinklers upside down.

[31:20] Like the water just falls down straight on everybody's head.

[31:23] It doesn't look like real rain.

[31:24] But anyway, that's how they do it.

[31:25] Yeah.

[31:25] They point the sprinklers up and the rain falls back down because of gravity.

[31:29] That's why you can't shoot rain scenes on the moon.

[31:34] I think so, Obama.

[31:36] That's why when they tried to shoot the sequel to Singing in the Rain, Singing in the Rain on the Moon, it was a huge flop.

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] The dancing was amazing, though.

Elliott Kalan

[31:44] Oh, it was in almost zero G.

Dan McCoy

[31:46] Oh, man.

[31:46] Donald O'Connor was so acrobatic.

[31:48] Yeah.

[31:49] Make the little men laugh.

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] Unfortunately, to do that part, he had to get out of his space suit and his blood boiled and exploded.

[31:55] So it was the loss of one of America's great song and dance clowns, but still.

[32:00] They fix it in post, though.

[32:01] They find out that there is a...

[32:03] Here's the link between these people, is that they all served in Iraq together.

[32:09] These three guys, the guy who was hitting his wife, and the creepy painter dude, and this guy who was killed and stuffed into the basement.

[32:18] Full of maggots.

Dan McCoy

[32:19] How did those guys get accepted into the army?

Stuart Wellington

[32:22] Well, they weren't demon men first.

[32:24] I mean...

[32:24] And two, they were Marines.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] Bill Murray was in the army in Stripes.

[32:27] That's right.

[32:28] Yeah.

[32:29] And Stripe is a gremlin.

[32:30] How'd they let him into the army?

[32:32] It's crazy.

[32:33] He can barely talk.

[32:34] All he can say is, Gizmo, Mogwai, yum yum.

[32:37] It's very...

[32:38] He can barely talk.

Dan McCoy

[32:39] He said, Gizmo, caca.

[32:40] He did say, Gizmo, caca.

[32:41] That's true.

[32:42] It was a little naughty.

[32:43] That's how they let him in.

[32:44] It was a technicality.

[32:45] He can sort of form a complete sentence.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] He can swear.

[32:48] He'll do fine.

[32:49] In this man's army.

[32:50] He understands the cause.

[32:53] They realize, we got one recruit.

[32:56] We throw him in the pool to see if he can swim.

[32:58] Suddenly, we got 30 recruits.

Stuart Wellington

[33:00] This is...

[33:01] I think we can...

[33:02] We fixed our stop-loss problem, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[33:06] Think of them storming the beach in Normandy.

[33:08] That would be an unstoppable force.

Elliott Kalan

[33:10] Yeah.

[33:10] Unfortunately, they'd probably join forces with the Nazis.

Dan McCoy

[33:14] I mean, they're kind of more chaotic evil rather than...

[33:18] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[33:19] Check out Mr. D&D over here.

[33:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:21] Dan and Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[33:22] I didn't realize D&D stood for...

[33:24] I'm really looking forward to somebody whipping up a quick bit of fan art of Gremlins storming

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] the beach in Normandy.

[33:31] Stripe biting Hitler.

[33:32] It's that Captain America number one cover, but it's Stripe punching Hitler out and singing

[33:38] Hitler caca.

[33:40] And Hitler has to escape...

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] He's singing with a mouthful of Hitler?

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] Yeah.

[33:43] Hitler has to escape by driving a little Barbie remote control car away.

Dan McCoy

[33:47] He has a legend that says, win one for Uncle Sam underneath it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:50] So is...

[33:51] So is...

[33:51] So is Zach Gallagher a Nazi in this reading of it?

[33:54] And is Gizmo a Nazi?

Dan McCoy

[33:58] I think Gizmo is the ordinary German citizen who has been transformed into a Nazi.

[34:03] I see.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] But then it seems like the Gremlin is the perfect metaphor for that.

[34:06] How did Stripe become a hero?

Dan McCoy

[34:08] Well, Stripe's got a mohawk.

[34:12] He's got...

[34:13] Attitude?

[34:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:15] He is rude.

[34:16] And he's easily identified.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] And he's crude if he says caca.

[34:19] Sure.

[34:20] So Joe Dante, write in if you have some thoughts about this.

[34:25] So anyway, they put the whole thing together.

[34:27] These three guys were in the Marines.

[34:28] Two of them started a painting company together.

[34:30] And for some reason, it was not until after they started the painting company that the demon

[34:34] that they woke up in Iraq decided to come help them.

[34:38] He finds that they've been painting...

[34:41] You don't think it helped him...

[34:41] Come help them paint?

Stuart Wellington

[34:43] You think it helped him secure that small business loan?

[34:46] That must be it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] This isn't really zoned as an office space, but I suppose I could pull some strings.

[34:54] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[34:54] Fiddle strings.

[34:55] Well, I shouldn't give you this loan, but I guess I'll arm wrestle you for it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] Oh, demon strength!

[35:01] It's like, so you have a recommendation from Mr. B. Elzebub?

[35:06] I assume that's Bill Elzebub down at a savings and loan.

Stuart Wellington

[35:08] Now, we're talking about a crazy demon guy, Elliot.

[35:11] What is the name of this guy?

Elliott Kalan

[35:13] His name is Santino.

Stuart Wellington

[35:15] Oh, that sounds eerily like Lucifer.

[35:18] No.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] Sounds like Satan, or as we were saying, it's like the great Santini.

[35:23] If Robert Duvall's character was just demonic.

[35:26] Yeah.

[35:26] Like he threw his basketball so hard at his son's chest that it just burst through.

[35:30] Mm-hmm.

[35:31] But anyway, he looks through...

[35:34] Eric Bannon goes to look through some surveillance footage and footage from the Iraqi soldiers guys,

[35:40] and he's seeing blips of a bloody man's face that nobody else is noticing,

[35:44] and he's hearing children's laughter that Joel McHale does not notice.

[35:48] And Joel McHale is mainly busy flipping a...

[35:50] He's deaf to the laughter of children.

[35:52] He's so busy flipping his knife over and over again and starting to peel an apple that we never see him eat.

[35:57] Mm-hmm.

[35:57] That he says, no, I don't know about that.

[36:00] He finds that the painters were all painting over the same scratched-in devil Latin inscription.

[36:06] And they do a shitty job of painting.

[36:08] They do a bad...

[36:09] The wife of the wife beater, she goes, oh, his office, the friends came by, and they painted it for free,

[36:17] and they walk in, and it is the worst painting job.

[36:19] They stop well below the molding.

[36:21] It's patchy.

[36:23] The strokes do not match up.

[36:24] It doesn't look like it was taped or anything.

[36:25] No, not at all.

[36:26] It looks...

[36:26] It looks like they did one coat, no undercoat, nothing.

[36:29] It's just like...

[36:30] It's probably not Benjamin Moore.

[36:32] No.

[36:33] It's probably one red devil paint.

[36:36] Or possibly some kind of off-brand paint, like Satan's Choice or something like that.

[36:41] You know?

[36:42] Loose a color.

[36:43] You know, something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[36:43] You buy that at, like, the devil store?

Elliott Kalan

[36:45] Yeah, yeah.

[36:46] Down at Satan Williams.

[36:47] Yeah.

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:49] So anyway, untrue value.

[36:51] Because he's the lord of lies.

[36:52] Oh, I love that.

Dan McCoy

[36:53] Yeah, like true value hardware store.

[36:54] It's amazing.

[36:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] So there's also...

[36:59] Anyway, his daughter also has a stuffed owl in her room, which the devil decides to make...

Stuart Wellington

[37:03] In a fucking old-timey crank music box.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] Like, who gives their kid that?

[37:07] And the devil decides these are the two things that he's going to go after and be spooky because

[37:11] he has no new ideas.

[37:14] There's a...

[37:15] But he's...

[37:16] But he finds the pictogram underneath.

[37:17] It's a pictogram from a cave in Iraq.

[37:19] What were you going to say, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[37:20] No, I just think the devil really enjoys playing puppets with toys.

[37:24] Like, that's a...

[37:25] Well, because...

[37:26] I guess the devil didn't have toys when he was a kid.

[37:28] That's why it's so mean.

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] It's like...

[37:30] Now that the devil is rich, he's buying all the stuff he couldn't have as a kid.

[37:34] So like, that's why the devil is really big on playing SNES.

[37:38] Like, I couldn't get this...

[37:40] I couldn't get Hyperzone when I was a kid.

[37:42] Now I'll play it.

[37:43] It's kind of a middling shooter.

[37:45] It's pretty generic.

[37:46] I don't know why you'd bother with that one.

[37:48] Nightwrap.

[37:48] Did you ever play it?

[37:49] It's on Sega CD.

[37:51] It's crazy, dude.

[37:52] Sewer Shark.

[37:53] Is that one of them?

[37:54] I can't remember.

[37:56] No, but even Sega CD came out and no one liked it.

[37:58] I can't believe you spent your...

[38:00] I went on eBay and I tracked down all the original releases.

Dan McCoy

[38:04] I have that Sherlock Holmes game.

Elliott Kalan

[38:07] Yes, I kind of noticed there was less evil in the world.

[38:10] I never realized because he was so busy tracking down a complete Sega CD collection.

[38:14] I got 32X.

[38:15] I want to play some 32-bit games.

[38:18] Just get a Saturn.

[38:19] I don't understand why.

[38:20] Why would you bother with 32X?

Stuart Wellington

[38:23] So there is a great scene where he scratches off the paint and reveals this Latin inscription on the wall.

[38:32] And then he's also looking at his laptop and watches video footage of the soldiers in Iraq

[38:37] finding the exact same inscription on a tomb wall.

[38:41] And you see Eric Bana slowly turn the computer to double check the exact same shit.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] As Stuart said when we were watching it, for the dummies in the audience.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] I would love if he put a pencil next to each pictogram and then looked up and I'm like, all right, that one.

[38:56] And that one.

[38:57] The only way they could have...

[38:58] Oh, no.

[38:59] Oh, no.

[39:00] It is.

[39:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] The only way they could have spelled it out more for the audience is if Eric Bana literally said,

[39:04] it's the same one.

[39:06] And then the devil showed up and said, yes, it's a devil thing.

[39:10] You got me.

[39:11] You got me.

[39:11] It's the same.

[39:12] See you in act three.

[39:16] And then what shook his hand and left?

[39:20] Vote for me.

[39:22] I'm running for alderman.

[39:23] Oh, okay.

[39:25] Alderman of the Bronx.

Dan McCoy

[39:27] Yeah, I was going to say, I know that the devil was in an elected position.

Elliott Kalan

[39:29] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[39:30] Devil, you serve out up to three three-year terms.

[39:33] Oh, okay.

[39:34] It should be three six-year terms, but they did not think it through at the time.

[39:38] The hell constitutional convention was so contentious, they could barely compromise on anything.

Dan McCoy

[39:43] That's why sometimes you got a really evil devil, and sometimes you got the devil on those deviled hams or hot sauce.

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] That's why.

[39:50] It's like you go into the polls, and you're just like, well, honestly, I'm just voting for the greater of two evils right now.

[39:56] Yeah.

[39:56] That's the best I can hope for.

[39:59] So he goes to see Jane, the woman from the zoo, in the mental hospital with Mendoza the priest, and the doctor on duty is not happy to let them in.

[40:10] He is a nerd.

[40:11] He is a real nerd who refuses to get up from his desk, and when they go, he shows Jane the picture.

Stuart Wellington

[40:17] He's probably reading a fucking zoo book or something.

Elliott Kalan

[40:20] Yeah, Ranger Rick or some shit.

[40:22] Nerd.

[40:22] Because he's apparently a little kid, too.

[40:25] Reading his zoo book.

[40:27] Yeah, hippopotamus.

[40:29] Who gives a shit?

[40:30] I'll be busy reading up on old world monkeys.

[40:34] So he shows Jane his phone that he took a picture of the inscription, and she responds by laughing and then biting his arm until blood just flows copiously.

[40:44] Now, this is a common mistake.

Stuart Wellington

[40:45] She read his name, which is Eric Bana, and she thought, must be Eric Banana.

[40:52] She's wrong.

[40:53] It's Eric Bana.

[40:54] I made the same mistake.

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] Wait, you bit Eric Bana thinking he was a banana?

[40:58] The whole time, the blood went everywhere.

[41:01] Because he's a hemophiliac, I guess.

[41:02] Unlike most people, all of his blood is just below that first layer of skin cells.

Stuart Wellington

[41:06] But he was really cool about it.

[41:08] No, he was totally, he's like, this happens all the time, mate.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] Good day, mate.

[41:12] Cheers.

[41:12] This happens all the time.

[41:14] Bonza.

[41:15] Yeah.

[41:16] The number of bloody sheilas who have bit me on.

Dan McCoy

[41:20] Yeah.

[41:20] Do you want an autograph?

[41:22] And Stu's like, no thanks.

[41:23] I'm too busy biting you.

Elliott Kalan

[41:24] You were the worst Hulk.

[41:26] Gotta go.

[41:26] What about Ed Naughton?

[41:30] He was right, Cucamonga.

[41:33] Flawless.

[41:33] I guess that's not Australian.

[41:35] Yeah, that was what he sounded like in Flawless, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robert

[41:39] De Niro.

Stuart Wellington

[41:41] Is that the movie where the guy takes the drug and becomes flawless?

[41:45] His brain has no flaws?

Elliott Kalan

[41:48] No, that would be terrible.

[41:49] All the wrinkles smooth out of his brain and he loses all of his knowledge?

[41:54] We really shouldn't have invented this brain smoothening drug.

[41:56] It turns out people are not that bothered by the wrinkles in their brain.

Stuart Wellington

[41:59] It's basically like a reverse flowers for Algernon, right?

[42:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:03] Which, where he goes from smart to dumb and then what, smart again at the end?

[42:07] Of course.

[42:07] His life is fine?

[42:09] They found a super intelligent mouse and gave it dumb drugs.

[42:13] And then it got smart again.

[42:15] Which they also just called drugs.

[42:18] You make a good point.

[42:20] You make a good point.

[42:21] That's what the D stands for.

[42:22] I guess there's a reason they don't make movies about magic drugs that make you dumb.

[42:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:26] Because that's just what drugs do.

[42:27] Don't do drugs, kids.

[42:28] Yeah, drugs is a portmanteau for dumb drugs.

[42:32] Yeah, just like hat is for head hat.

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] For head hat.

[42:36] Everyone remembers that famous portmanteau.

[42:39] So, Mendoza explains that this inscription is some kind of Christian pagan inscription that opens a portal to let a demon into the human world.

[42:48] And some people are more susceptible to demons than others.

[42:50] And guess what?

[42:51] Eric Bana's cop has this special magic demon radar power that means that it's easier for demons to drive him super nutso.

[42:59] And it has to do with, they talk about how, Mendoza talks about how he was a big sinner before he became a priest.

Stuart Wellington

[43:05] It is a really cool conversation in a bar that's in the back of a firehouse.

[43:10] Yeah.

[43:10] Like the only way you can get in there is by going through a firehouse.

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] You mean like where firemen work, not the house that's on fire throughout all of Synecdoche, New York.

[43:18] Not that house at all.

[43:19] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[43:20] But also, this is where you realize, oh, this is why they're playing The Doors.

[43:24] Because they're trying to open a door to the other world.

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] Which is, they keep singing Break on Through to the Other Side because guess what Satan's trying to do?

[43:30] Mm-hmm.

[43:31] He's trying to love her madly.

[43:33] Oh, I get it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:34] He's trying to mojo rising.

Elliott Kalan

[43:37] It is the dumbest use of a song since, I think, when they were all singing Time is on My Side in, what was it called?

[43:44] Ascension?

[43:45] Fallen.

Stuart Wellington

[43:45] No, I think the dumbest use of a song is still that love scene in the Watchmen movie.

[43:50] Oh, when they sang Hallelujah?

[43:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:51] Yeah, that was pretty bad.

[43:53] That's the worst thing I've ever seen.

[43:57] So, they go to the apartment building where some stuff happens and-

Stuart Wellington

[44:02] And there's this great scene where they're in that bar behind the firehouse and the priest is like, dude, you want to hear some fucking crazy shit?

[44:09] He plays-

[44:10] And he's like, I don't want to hear your band, bro.

[44:12] So, he pulls out his fucking Zune.

Elliott Kalan

[44:13] No, no, no, but it's called Stigmata and it's a totally cool Christian rock band.

Stuart Wellington

[44:18] Yeah, Crucifictorious.

[44:19] He pulls out his Zune and Eric Bana pops in those fucking earbuds and he hits play and whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] And he listens to audio of a real exorcism.

Stuart Wellington

[44:30] Super scary.

[44:31] It's much scarier than listening to audio of a real circumcision.

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] Which is just a baby crying and someone spouting Hebrew and everyone in the family looking away.

[44:40] Because it's pretty crazy.

[44:41] You don't look at it?

[44:42] Well, here's the thing, and this will make me sound like a monster.

[44:44] When my son was circumcised, everyone else was kind of horrified and looked away.

[44:48] But I wanted to see how this worked.

[44:50] So, I was watching the whole time and I found it fascinating.

Stuart Wellington

[44:52] And I was like, that's what they did to my penis when I was a baby.

[44:56] Chopped off half of it, right?

[44:57] That's what happens.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] Not half.

[44:59] They take out a tiny guillotine and they just cut it in half.

[45:02] Like a little cigar chopper?

[45:04] Like a dark man?

[45:05] There is like a little cigar chopper that they use in part of it.

[45:07] Unless someone write in and tell me if I used a very unprofessional moil.

[45:11] But anyway, that's precisely.

Stuart Wellington

[45:13] You didn't do the Groucho Marx impression.

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] He took the foreskin and waggled it like a cigar.

[45:21] And said, hello, I must be going.

[45:22] And then just flicked it out the window.

[45:24] And I was like, that's biological waste.

[45:26] Groucho Marx star of duck tails?

[45:29] What?

[45:32] Soup tails?

[45:34] Tailspin?

[45:34] You're thinking of brain donors.

[45:36] Anyway, moving along.

[45:38] They go to a building where the abusive husband from before, who's now turned into a full-on beast man.

[45:46] And I forgot to say that earlier he attacked Eric Bana.

[45:49] And then all fours galloped away through a window like Liev Schreiber and Wolverine.

[45:57] And they fight that guy.

[46:00] And meanwhile, Joel McHale has the misfortune of falling afoul of Santino.

[46:07] Who, in one of the most lazy fights I've seen in a long time, it's axe versus knife.

[46:13] And Santino just kind of like hits him with an axe a lot.

[46:17] And Joel McHale just gives up at a certain point.

[46:19] Yep.

[46:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:20] It's like, it's time for my character to die.

[46:23] Just stand up, Joel McHale.

[46:24] Just literally just stand up.

[46:26] Dan Harmon's back on Community.

[46:27] It's time for me to go.

[46:29] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[46:30] Chevy left?

[46:31] Okay, I'm done with this movie.

[46:32] I'll go back to that.

[46:34] Yeah, I like the idea.

Dan McCoy

[46:36] It's like, write me out.

[46:37] Like the screenwriter's just on set.

[46:39] Yeah.

[46:40] You're in the end of the movie.

[46:41] Write me out.

[46:42] Make a big fight or something.

Elliott Kalan

[46:42] Take me out of the fight.

[46:44] There was all that.

[46:45] What about your whole arc?

[46:46] There's all the foreshadowing with you and that knife.

[46:48] Why would we put that in if not to use it later?

[46:51] Whatever, whatever.

[46:53] Six seasons of the movie.

[46:54] At this point, I was not sure why those evil characters were hanging around that building still.

[46:59] The villains in this movie tend to hang around in places they think the heroes will show up in

[47:05] and then attack the heroes and then run away.

[47:08] It's kind of like how...

[47:09] Occasionally taking a bite of Eric Banana.

[47:11] Eric Banana gets bitten a couple times.

[47:13] It's like how in the Tim Burton Batman, the first one, Batman's Batplane crashes into

[47:18] a building that all the Joker's henchmen just happen to already be hiding in to be ready

[47:22] to fight Batman, like he's in the level from a video game.

Stuart Wellington

[47:27] Well, I mean, like Gotham City at that point was lousy with Joker henchmen.

Elliott Kalan

[47:31] So you're saying every building in the city had some Joker henchmen in it just in case?

Stuart Wellington

[47:34] Yeah, I mean, he converted the populace pretty quickly.

[47:38] Look at all these great Wilson's leather jackets I get to wear.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] Throw in a lot of money.

[47:43] Well, there's a lot of money where he goes...

[47:44] Berets.

[47:44] He goes, Batman, I'm giving out free money.

[47:47] Now who do you trust?

[47:48] And it's like, well, I mean, I like you more because you're giving me money.

[47:51] I still don't trust you.

[47:52] You're a hideous clown man who conjured up a parade out of nowhere with like a big duck

[47:57] float or something.

[47:58] And now you're throwing...

[47:59] The most horrifying balloons I've ever seen.

[48:01] And like, to be honest...

[48:03] And you destroyed the art gallery.

[48:05] Yeah, those were priceless paintings except for the Francis Bacon of all things, a painting

[48:09] nobody likes.

[48:10] And the idea that, I gave you money so you trust me, right?

[48:13] No, if anything, I'm kind of wondering where this money came from.

[48:16] It seems kind of shady, but I like that you gave me money.

[48:18] And it probably smells weird.

[48:21] Yeah.

[48:21] Oh, sure.

[48:22] Because Joker keeps it in his armpit.

[48:24] Yeah, like Smilex or whatever.

[48:25] It's well...

[48:26] Does the money have Smilex on it?

[48:27] I don't remember.

[48:28] The balloons have Smilex in them.

[48:30] Okay, should have just put it on the money.

[48:32] Yeah.

[48:33] Because people are going to grab that money and smear it all over themselves.

[48:36] Because that's what you do with money when it flies off of a parade float.

[48:38] You just smear it on your face.

[48:40] Yeah.

[48:40] Like, oh, God, so good.

[48:42] Oh, am I pretty now, Mother?

Stuart Wellington

[48:44] Like a perfume sample?

[48:45] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[48:48] That's like when you walk through a mall and they're just spraying money at you.

[48:51] Everyone, you're like, stop it.

[48:52] Mmm.

Dan McCoy

[48:53] I smell like everyone's pants pockets.

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] Smell like the inside of an automated teller machine.

[49:00] Like a clown's handkerchief.

[49:03] Clown's hanky is a perfume that I'd like to see them sell.

[49:08] From Clownvin Klein.

Stuart Wellington

[49:11] Or Calvin Clown.

[49:12] The clown is the obvious.

Elliott Kalan

[49:15] I'm missing all the obvious ones tonight.

[49:17] Calvin Clown would show that one.

[49:21] Anyway, he's unhappy.

[49:24] He's been losing it, getting mad at his family.

[49:28] Eric Bana, he has a wife and a daughter.

[49:29] We haven't really mentioned it.

[49:30] Eric Bana is supposed to be spending too much time at work,

[49:32] but we clearly saw him attending his daughter's soccer game earlier,

[49:35] so I don't know what that's all about.

[49:36] So he's a good dad, soccer dad.

[49:38] He finds out that his wife and daughter have been kidnapped by Santino.

[49:41] He is not happy.

[49:42] And stealing a card from Seven and other movies that are too lazy to have the hero actually find the villain,

[49:49] Santino just shows up in Eric Bana's house.

[49:51] because it's time for Act 3.

[49:53] And tells him, hey, will you let a demon inside you?

[49:56] Because then I'll tell you where your wife and daughter is.

[49:58] He says no and arrests Santino.

[50:00] Santino is no longer putting up a fight.

[50:02] He's not biting anybody except himself for the rest of the movie.

[50:05] Because the devil is very conscious of plot structure and how much time is left in the movie.

[50:10] Yeah.

[50:10] And that it's Act 3 now.

[50:11] We've got to get moving.

[50:13] They have an exorcism in an interrogation room.

[50:15] And frankly, I was thinking while we were watching it,

[50:18] it would be a pretty neat concept to have an exorcism done at like a police interrogation

[50:23] where the priest and the cop are acting good cop, bad cop, but they're not.

[50:27] It's just your standard interrogation scene.

[50:28] They yell a lot of Latin prayers at him while he just screams.

[50:31] And like the lights flicker on and off and he bites his own leg.

[50:35] And then he extends his neck back for no reason.

[50:37] This is where I started.

[50:38] And he's got lots of words carved into him.

[50:41] Yeah, like Zaz.

[50:41] Like Zaz, but with words.

[50:43] It's like if Zaz meets Memento.

[50:46] In a movie I like to call The Murderer and the Memory Man.

Dan McCoy

[50:51] This is where I started dozing off.

[50:53] Was there ever any payoff to like the other cop who came and like looked in the window

[50:56] and he's like, what the hell?

[50:58] There's some sort of exorcism going on in there.

Elliott Kalan

[50:59] He just said, what the fuck a couple times.

[51:01] Oh, so I skipped over part.

[51:02] Maybe there's a post credit scene we didn't see.

[51:04] Yeah.

[51:04] A stinger.

[51:05] Where he's waiting and he's like, guys, are you going to book this guy or what?

[51:09] Somebody let me out of this interrogation room.

[51:12] I've lost my key.

Dan McCoy

[51:13] I mean, it really seemed like the next scene was like him like breaking in with a bunch

[51:16] of other cops to shut down this rogue exorcism that was going on.

[51:19] That would have made sense.

[51:20] That didn't happen.

[51:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:22] Then he saw, I guess, the real exorcism.

[51:24] He was like, gotta go.

[51:25] Yeah.

[51:25] I forgot to.

[51:26] There's a part where Mendoza after.

[51:29] The drug dealer.

[51:30] After Joel McHale is killed, Eric Banner reveals to Mendoza, the drug dealing priest, that there's

[51:37] a darkness in his soul.

[51:38] And he's had it ever since he, when he was off duty once, he knew that there was a child

[51:45] killer on the loose.

[51:46] And where the desk sergeant is giving everyone their assignment, he goes, this guy's, he's

[51:51] had 11 counts of child assault.

[51:53] And now two accounts of child murder.

[51:56] So go out and get this guy off the streets.

[51:59] And it's like, how do you know he did so many things to this?

[52:01] Have you, I mean, catch him.

[52:03] But where Eric Banner walks by a crime scene where a six-year-old girl has been killed and

[52:09] stuffed in a garbage can, thus producing the second of the garbage bail.

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] A garbage bail kid.

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] As Stuart said.

[52:16] It's okay.

[52:16] They're fictional characters.

[52:17] It's not real.

[52:18] Eric Banner, even though he was out with his family, he notices that he's so horrified

[52:21] with the crime scene, and then he recognizes the killer has shown up to be a spectator.

[52:26] He chases after him and then just punches him to death.

[52:29] He is not brought up on charges, I guess.

[52:31] Yeah, he gives him full street justice.

Stuart Wellington

[52:33] And the thing is, the movie goes so, like, they bring this up in the first place because

[52:38] it's supposed to be something that haunts him, like some sin that is haunting him.

Elliott Kalan

[52:42] So this image that he's been, that's been flashing in his memory is the bloody face this guy killed

[52:47] and the laughter of the children who are at the scene.

Stuart Wellington

[52:49] But they make no effort to actually make it seem like he did anything wrong in this case.

[52:54] Like, they made this guy clearly out to be some kind of demon monster.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] He's the worst of the worst.

[52:58] He's a child killer, child rapist.

[53:00] It's like how in Rambo, just to make sure you're not on board with the leader of the evil

[53:06] Burmese military guys, they also make him a pedophile.

[53:10] Like, they've stacked the deck so far in favor of you not really caring that Eric Bana killed

[53:15] somebody because he's the evilest man that ever lived, you know, this side of Santini,

[53:20] the devil man.

[53:21] And Mendoza's like, I absolve you of your sin.

[53:23] A terrible father.

[53:24] Yeah.

[53:25] Because the worst sin of all is not loving your children.

[53:29] Hi.

[53:30] I'm Paul Duffy.

[53:31] I'm Patrick Duffy.

[53:32] I'm Paul Duffy.

[53:33] I'm Paul Dano.

[53:33] I'm Brian Dano.

[53:34] I'm Paul Dano from There Will Be Blood.

[53:37] Where the guy abandoned his boy.

[53:39] Pretty bad, right?

[53:40] He was not a good dad.

[53:41] He was a bad dad.

[53:42] Much like Gerard Butler in the movie, Bad Dad, Soccer Dad.

[53:46] Don't be like that.

[53:47] Be a good dad.

[53:48] The more you know.

[53:51] The more Dano.

Stuart Wellington

[53:52] I'd like to change my name officially to Paul Dado.

Elliott Kalan

[53:55] Just to show how much I support dads.

[53:59] Hi.

[54:00] I'm Patrick Duffy.

[54:02] Star of Step by Step and other things, too.

[54:04] And I'm here to talk to you about dads.

[54:08] Have one today.

[54:10] I'm considering changing my name to Dadrick Duffy.

[54:13] To Patrick Daddy.

[54:14] But that would be creepy.

[54:16] Hello.

[54:16] Because then people would call me Mr. Daddy when I showed up at hotels.

[54:19] And that's weird.

[54:21] Hey, Dan.

[54:21] Hello.

[54:22] I'm P. Diddy.

Dan McCoy

[54:23] Another celebrity with the initials P.D.

[54:26] Gotta go.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] Not even going to change his name to P. Daddy?

[54:29] It's right there.

[54:30] Or Penis Department.

[54:32] Penis Diddy.

[54:33] Hi.

[54:34] I'm Penis Diddy.

[54:34] A song about a penis that goes like this.

[54:37] Diddy, diddy, diddy, diddy.

[54:38] Whoa.

[54:44] Hi.

[54:44] My name's Daddy Duchovny.

[54:46] I'm David Duchovny's dad.

[54:47] And I'd like to talk to you about being a dad.

[54:51] Welcome to my new show, The D Files.

[54:55] The D does not stand for dad.

[54:56] It stands for dick.

[54:58] I'm a member of the NYPD.

[54:59] Not the New York Penis Department.

[55:01] The New York police dicks.

[55:03] We solve penis-related crimes using only our penises.

[55:08] The more you know.

[55:10] Let me stop this tape right there.

[55:11] Are the rest of these NBC public service promos all about penises?

[55:16] Yeah.

[55:17] Yeah.

[55:17] We got out of the horror movie business because that pitch we did about the hair and the eyeballs

[55:21] didn't go so well.

[55:22] We got into this.

[55:24] They seem to be working along that cop plus not a cop formula.

[55:27] In this case, it's penis, not a penis.

[55:30] And dads are involved somehow?

[55:32] Well, absentee fathers are a major problem.

[55:34] But what does that have to do with penises?

[55:36] Well, you can't be a dad without a penis.

[55:38] Let's just get one thing straight.

[55:39] Please leave my office.

[55:45] So anyway, there's a whole – so he has that sin because he killed that guy.

[55:51] They have the whole exorcism.

[55:53] It goes on for a long time.

[55:55] And it is one of these things where – here's what I'm just going to say.

[55:57] And you know what?

[55:59] This might be controversial.

[56:00] I'll allow it.

[56:01] Thank you.

[56:01] You don't even have to go on.

[56:03] I've always thought exorcisms are not scary because I don't believe in that religion.

[56:09] And I don't buy into that basic premise.

[56:12] But they're especially not scary because here's how an exorcism goes.

[56:16] A demon is restrained in some way.

[56:18] It's yelling at you.

[56:20] You yell back at it.

[56:21] And eventually it leaves.

Dan McCoy

[56:23] You're like, get out of here, demon.

[56:25] Go – skedaddle.

Elliott Kalan

[56:26] So like essentially –

[56:27] Get along, little demon.

[56:29] Kind of.

[56:29] In the name of Christ, go away.

[56:31] And the demon's like, ooh, you got me.

[56:33] I didn't know you knew the Jesus trick.

[56:35] I didn't realize you knew that the evil – that the enemy of demons is the most famous religious figure on the planet.

[56:40] Got to go, I guess.

[56:42] But you deal with a demon the same way you deal with like a homeless man under your window who won't go away, who's yelling really loud.

[56:49] So you ignore him.

[56:50] Hey, go away.

[56:51] Go away.

[56:52] And then he does.

[56:53] So this demon is never a threat to them in this scene.

[56:56] And they defeat him.

[56:58] They manage to expunge the demon.

[57:00] They expel him.

[57:01] And then they find his wife and daughter.

[57:04] Turns out they were with the paint truck.

[57:07] And they have another baby.

[57:09] And Mendoza baptizes the baby.

[57:11] And they go, do you reject Satan and all his evil or whatever?

[57:14] And Eric Bana, he might as well have looked at the damn camera and goes, yes.

[57:18] And he totally winks.

[57:19] And then the credits roll.

Stuart Wellington

[57:21] Big twist ending.

[57:22] He rejects Satan.

[57:23] This twist ending is that he doesn't turn evil.

[57:26] Yes.

[57:26] Yeah.

[57:26] If only the end credits played with like, please to meet you.

[57:31] Sympathy for the devil.

[57:32] Sympathy for the devil, you mean?

[57:32] Sympathy for the devil.

Elliott Kalan

[57:34] Please to meet you.

[57:35] Please to meet you.

[57:36] I'm the devil.

[57:37] Because I like to call songs by just random lines that are in them.

[57:41] That is the most well-known line in that song.

[57:44] That's not the name of the song.

[57:46] You know that great Billy Joel song, Harry Truman, Doris Day?

[57:51] Mr. Maloney down on Mulligan Street.

[57:55] What?

Dan McCoy

[57:58] I'm moving up.

[58:00] Moving up, yeah.

[58:02] So this is time to make our final judgments on this movie.

[58:06] Was it totally scarifying, totally snorifying, or frighteningly funny?

[58:11] In my case, it was literally snorifying.

Elliott Kalan

[58:13] It literally put you to sleep.

[58:14] I'm going to invent a new category called grossly goopifying.

[58:22] Because it was a really gory, gross movie.

[58:24] And I have to admit, there was part of me that like, it was a little too gory at times.

[58:28] But it was disgusting.

[58:30] But it was like...

[58:31] Upset your little tummy.

[58:32] My tummy was like, good thing there's only Popeye's fried chicken in here.

[58:35] Because that's like having a velvet pillow or silk shawls in here.

[58:41] It's so soft.

[58:42] Otherwise, I might be bazooking all over the place.

[58:44] But in fact, to see...

[58:46] I haven't seen a lot of modern horror movies that are actually like gross out movies.

[58:50] Yeah.

[58:51] They're usually just jump out and scare you movies.

[58:53] Or they're like sadistic torture movies.

[58:54] And it was nice to see a movie that had some gross, gory stuff in it.

[58:58] But almost all the scares were just like, quiet, quiet, quiet.

[59:02] Boo!

[59:02] A thing jumped at you.

[59:03] And that got very repetitive.

[59:04] It was a very generic movie.

Stuart Wellington

[59:07] It felt very stitched together from other horror movies.

[59:10] Though it did have a great scene where a crazy lady kills a doctor.

[59:14] And then walks toward the camera holding the ring of keys in her mouth like a puppy dog.

[59:17] I forgot about that.

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:18] Jane escapes.

Elliott Kalan

[59:20] Merely so that she can jump off a building in front of Eric Bana's car.

[59:23] And Eric Bana reacts to this like nothing.

[59:26] Like someone threw a can in the street.

Stuart Wellington

[59:28] Eric Bana's reactions to most things in this movie are like,

[59:31] Oh, I guess I got another dead body on my hands.

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] In this movie you have the most apathetic cop versus the most apathetic demon controlled man.

[59:40] They're both kind of like, whatever.

[59:42] Okay.

[59:44] But I forgot the part where Jane escapes.

[59:46] She kills the doctor who came to bring her some lunch, I guess.

[59:49] And yeah, she crawls out with the keys in her mouth and her eyes wide open staring at the camera like,

[59:54] Are you buying this?

[59:55] And everyone in this movie would be scarier if they didn't have a lot of goopy clown paint on their face.

[1:00:01] But it's like, it's hard for me to believe these as real people who are possessed by a demon

[1:00:05] when they're already painted up like a fucking juggalo.

[1:00:09] Yes.

[1:00:10] So Stuart, what was your judgment?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:12] What are the fucking categories again?

[1:00:14] You thought it was snorifying.

[1:00:16] Okay.

[1:00:17] It was snorifying with a dash of goopy, gross, googly guts.

[1:00:22] Go for guts.

[1:00:22] Yeah, go for guts.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:24] Is this a camp sing-along?

[1:00:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:26] Yeah, go eat worms.

[1:00:27] So what's the next part of this podcast, Dan?

[1:00:29] So we talked about Deliver's from Evil as we do every week.

[1:00:32] Turn off the computer and we leave.

[1:00:32] What do we do now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:34] Turn off the computer and we leave.

[1:00:36] Turn off the lights.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:37] Letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:39] Is this the part where one of us kisses you, Dan, and you have your eyes closed and you have to guess which one of us it is?

[1:00:43] Oh, wait.

[1:00:44] Were you not recording those all this time?

[1:00:46] You said it was the most popular part of the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:49] You went immediately towards that.

[1:00:52] You jumped to that so quickly.

[1:00:53] Like, there was no evidence for that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] Well, I knew it all the time.

[1:00:58] I was just in it for the anonymous kisses.

[1:01:00] Which is also the name of my erotica pen name, anonymous kisses.

[1:01:05] My backstory is that he's Greek.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:08] Before we get into normal letters, I want to thank some people for sending us gifts.

[1:01:16] The first is for me.

[1:01:18] They're always for you.

[1:01:19] I rarely get gifts, which is fine.

[1:01:21] I'm not fishing for gifts.

[1:01:23] It's a gift from Lawrence Allen, who writes,

[1:01:25] Hi, Dan.

[1:01:26] I didn't know what to get you, but then I remembered that you like butts.

[1:01:29] So here's a movie about them.

[1:01:31] Anyway, hang in there, buddy.

[1:01:33] The Flop Nation is pulling for you.

[1:01:34] From Lawrence Allen.

[1:01:36] And you got me Tinto Brass' Cheeky.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:39] Oh, a classic movie about butts.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:41] A film that I admit that I'm already familiar with, but now I'm glad to own a copy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:46] Display it proudly in your home.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:49] It's the unrated English version.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:51] So would you call Tinto Brass the poet laureate of butts?

[1:01:56] I would call him that.

[1:01:58] It's amazing how some directors have themes.

[1:02:00] Alfred Hitchcock's would often be like the fear of being accused of a crime you didn't commit.

[1:02:06] And Francis Ford Cobles would be what?

[1:02:08] Like that Jack was too old for his age.

[1:02:12] And Steven Spielberg's is often about the wonder of innocence in childhood.

[1:02:16] And Tinto Brass is his butts.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:18] Well, I mean, there's so many movies out there about subjects that aren't worth a movie being about.

[1:02:23] Like, you know, a cop doing exorcisms or something.

[1:02:26] Finally, there's a movie out there about something that is an endless source of...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:31] Yeah, celebration of the pinnacle of human existence.

[1:02:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] Is it a coincidence that his last name has Ass in it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:40] Tinto Brass?

[1:02:41] What do you mean, like, if it's a coincidence?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] It's like, I don't know.

[1:02:45] What's a coincidence?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:48] Explain that phenomenon to me.

[1:02:49] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:51] Very different from Tintin Brass.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:53] I want it.

[1:02:54] Nope.

[1:02:55] Done with Tintin jokes?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:57] I wonder what the actual Italian name of this movie is.

[1:03:01] Because I assume that cheeky does not translate.

[1:03:04] It's probably not cheeky.

[1:03:04] It doesn't translate.

[1:03:05] It's probably like whatever's Italian for butts.

[1:03:08] Yeah.

[1:03:09] So thank you very much, Lauren.

[1:03:11] There's a special feature on this called Backstage with Tinto Brass.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] You know what that means.

[1:03:18] Butts.

[1:03:19] Yeah.

[1:03:20] What else you got there, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:22] This goes like this.

[1:03:24] Okay.

[1:03:24] It says,

[1:03:25] Dear Peaches,

[1:03:26] Happy Shocktober!

[1:03:28] The Flophouse is my favorite bad movie podcast by a wide margin.

[1:03:30] You three have brought me so much joy.

[1:03:32] I thought it was only right to give something back.

[1:03:35] In the form of handmade accessories.

[1:03:37] Bow ties, to be exact.

[1:03:39] I'm not a Doctor Who fan.

[1:03:40] I actually hate that show.

[1:03:42] The Gray Owl Bow Tie is for Elliot.

[1:03:44] Because of his know-it-all tendencies and how they remind me of a cartoon owl.

[1:03:49] Oh, thanks.

[1:03:50] The multicolored one is for Stuart because it has the most spooks per square inch.

[1:03:55] Okay.

[1:03:56] The glow-in-the-dark spiderweb bow tie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:58] Bow ties because I'm, I don't know, like an international guy.

[1:04:02] Wait, why does it-

[1:04:02] International guy catalog.

[1:04:05] Your best source for dudes.

[1:04:07] I'm a cosmopolitan fellow.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:09] Yeah.

[1:04:09] The glow-in-the-dark spiderweb bow ties for Dan.

[1:04:12] Because Dan is my favorite, I wanted him after the coolest one.

[1:04:14] Well, thank you.

[1:04:15] Owls are pretty cool.

[1:04:17] Stay spooky, fellas.

[1:04:18] Yours truly, Liz Middle Name with Al Young.

[1:04:21] P.S.

[1:04:21] If you wanted to plug my bow tie store,

[1:04:24] subtlestitchery.etsy.com, that would be cool.

[1:04:28] Subtle Stitchery?

[1:04:29] Yeah.

[1:04:31] SubtleStitchery.etsy.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:33] Thanks for the bow ties.

[1:04:34] Thank you.

[1:04:35] Even though they were a way of just having us mention your business on it.

[1:04:37] Let me distribute here.

[1:04:38] What are we, Star Jones at her wedding?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:40] Should we take some pictures of us tying each other up erotically with these bow ties?

[1:04:45] I don't think we should do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:46] Oh, and they're the easy type of bow tie.

[1:04:49] You don't have to figure out how to.

[1:04:49] Oh, good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:50] You don't have to spend a lot to get them in the sack.

[1:04:51] Yeah.

[1:04:53] There you go.

[1:04:54] Just take them to like a McDonald's or.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] I mean, put a little bit of effort into it.

[1:05:00] Like a Chuckie Cheesers.

[1:05:01] Chuckie Cheesers.

[1:05:03] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:05] Chuckie Teesers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:06] So, Stuart, when do your business cards start saying Cosmopolitan Fellow?

[1:05:10] Because they should.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:12] Trying to put this bow tie on.

[1:05:13] That's going to be my new Twitter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:14] Even though this is the easy kind, I'm still having trouble with it.

[1:05:17] Yeah.

[1:05:17] I think my neck is too fat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:19] Or bow ties.

[1:05:20] I think all these bow ties were made a little too slim on the neck to make us feel bad.

[1:05:26] Or to strangle us to death.

[1:05:27] I got it.

[1:05:28] Now I got to tighten it up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:29] I finally put those flop guys.

[1:05:30] All right.

[1:05:31] There you go.

[1:05:32] This is the music you tighten up bow ties to.

[1:05:36] Okay.

[1:05:37] How's mine look, Dan?

[1:05:37] This is great.

[1:05:38] This is amazing.

[1:05:39] Do I look like a genius owl?

[1:05:40] This is great podcasting.

[1:05:42] So, everyone who's listening can see us with our bow ties on, right?

[1:05:45] Yep.

[1:05:46] Dan, read another letter or something.

[1:05:48] Okay.

[1:05:48] Uh, hold on.

[1:05:49] I got to get it out of my pocket.

[1:05:51] Well, great producing.

[1:05:52] This is why we want all those potties.

[1:05:57] Which is not a word for podcast, but a word for things that belong in the toilet.

[1:06:03] Um, I do like the feel of this bow tie, though.

[1:06:06] Uh, it looks good on you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:08] It matches your polo shirt.

[1:06:10] Uh, yeah.

[1:06:11] Yeah, I guess it does.

[1:06:12] It doesn't go very well with your newspaper boy cap.

[1:06:15] No, it doesn't.

[1:06:16] Which is turned backwards.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:18] Because I'm cool, like Joe Pantoliano.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:20] So, this first one goes like this.

[1:06:23] Uh, dear Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail.

[1:06:25] About six months after listening to episode 155, I saw a copy of Last Vegas in the dollar

[1:06:31] bin at the grocery store.

[1:06:33] I was delighted to see that your critique of this walking Viagra pill was spot on.

[1:06:43] Given your obvious ability to tell the future, I have a roleplaying slash choose your own adventure

[1:06:48] question for each of you.

[1:06:49] Dan, if you couldn't be the titular hero, and would it still be titular if she was called

[1:06:55] Butsy the Vampire Slayer?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:58] There's gotta be something called that already.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:00] Which character in the Buffy Whedonverse is most like you?

[1:07:03] Elliot, leaving aside Spidey Parker, which character in the Marvel make money hand over fist universe

[1:07:09] is most like you?

[1:07:10] Two, if you couldn't be one of the power triumvirate of Luke Lea Han, which character in the Star Wars

[1:07:16] Marvel more money than God universe is most like you?

[1:07:20] Now, I'd say that, um, I'm sort of a combo Xander Giles.

[1:07:25] I combine the...

[1:07:26] I don't know these characters.

[1:07:28] I combine the underappreciated, uh, uh, lovability yet, uh, no one cares about him-ness of Xander, and the

[1:07:38] Tweety disapproval of Giles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:42] Okay, I'll take your word for it.

[1:07:43] I don't know that show that well.

[1:07:45] Uh, I...

[1:07:45] No, I think that's fair.

[1:07:46] I'd like to think, um, that if I'm not, uh...

[1:07:49] You're like a MODOK type.

[1:07:51] Yeah, well, I'd like to think that if I'm not Spider-Man, I'm like Nightcrawler or Beast, but I'm probably MODOK.

[1:07:56] Just a, just a little guy in a chair complaining about stuff, and designed only for killing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:02] Uh, I mean, I think, I think it's pretty clear.

[1:08:04] Uh, I think if I was in the Star Wars universe, I would be the, you know, the eternal, uh, uh, best friend and hype man.

[1:08:14] Greedo.

[1:08:14] Chewbacca.

[1:08:15] Oh, a.k.a.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] That's interesting.

[1:08:19] Uh, I have a, a large size Chewbacca.

[1:08:22] I also know how to use, I'm proficient in bowcaster use.

[1:08:26] Uh, I, we have a large Chewbacca toy at home that my son Sammy likes to play with, and lately he's been putting his old

[1:08:32] shoes on it.

[1:08:33] Mm-hmm.

[1:08:33] So I realized my son has invented his first pun, Chewbacca.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:37] Nice.

[1:08:37] I'm very proud of him.

[1:08:39] Uh, this next letter is along these lines, exactly.

[1:08:45] Because you're reading it.

[1:08:47] Dearest Peaches, for years my father has been insisting that I watch the Wayans Brothers dwarf slash cat burglar

[1:08:53] movie Little Man.

[1:08:54] It has become a running joke for us.

[1:08:56] Uh, premise stolen from a Warner Brothers cartoon.

[1:08:58] But it is based in his genuine affection for the piece.

[1:09:01] I recently gave him the Criterion edition of Little Man.

[1:09:04] Little Man.

[1:09:04] Akiru for his birthday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:05] I think it's falling on deaf ears.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:08] And he refuses to watch it with me unless I watch Little Man alone first.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:12] My reason.

[1:09:12] He wants you to watch it alone, not even with him?

[1:09:14] Because he doesn't want to like, fuck up your experience?

[1:09:17] Doesn't want to bias it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:18] Yeah.

[1:09:18] Because he loves it so much he's going to be saying all the lines along at the same time.

[1:09:21] He's going to be cackling along.

[1:09:22] He's going to be slapping him on the leg going, watch this part, watch this part.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:24] He's going to get up and start play acting at some of the scenes like no theater.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:31] My resistance might break soon.

[1:09:33] Dan, I assume they've shown this movie on planes.

[1:09:35] Is it really that bad?

[1:09:36] What should I do?

[1:09:36] Brian, last name withheld.

[1:09:39] I've never, I've not seen Little Man.

[1:09:41] Has anyone seen Little Man?

[1:09:42] You haven't seen?

[1:09:43] I mean in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:44] It's like Aquafane over here.

[1:09:45] I remember the trailer.

[1:09:47] Yeah.

[1:09:47] I remember seeing the trailer and saying, that was the plot of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, sir.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:53] And you are no Bugs Bunny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:54] And you, Wayans, are no Bugs Bunny.

[1:09:57] But yeah, I haven't seen it.

[1:09:59] I've seen Little Man Tate.

[1:10:01] Yeah.

[1:10:02] I've seen Little Big Man.

[1:10:03] Those are the same movie?

[1:10:04] We've seen those, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:06] I've seen Big Trouble and Little Man China.

[1:10:08] I've seen Man on Fire.

[1:10:10] Little Man on Fire?

[1:10:10] I wish I was watching Dan on Fire, the movie where Dan takes revenge.

[1:10:15] Oh, okay.

[1:10:15] By sticking a grenade in somebody's butt.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:17] He just wanted to set me on fire and I wasn't very happy with it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:20] Yeah, that is not a good thing to do.

[1:10:21] That's the Wicker Dan is the movie where I set Dan on Fire.

[1:10:23] The Wicker Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:25] You put an English policeman inside a Dan and then set it on fire.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:29] Stu, killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:31] That's true.

[1:10:33] Oh, but it sells pretty well in the farmer's market.

[1:10:36] Stuart Wellington's goddamn honey.

[1:10:39] It's all farm fresh.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:43] So, sorry.

[1:10:45] We haven't seen Little Man.

[1:10:47] Don't know what to tell you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:48] Yeah.

[1:10:48] When one of them flop contests.

[1:10:49] I think your dad might not be the right person to watch Akiro, as brilliant a movie as it is.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:54] So, last letter of the evening.

[1:10:56] Dear Floppers, while listening through archived episodes, I've been delighted again and again

[1:11:01] by all the references to Phantasm.

[1:11:04] You see, my father was a Phantasm fan when I was a kid.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:08] Phantasm.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:08] Back before I had ever heard anyone but him talk about the movie.

[1:11:15] As a result, it is the first horror film I can ever remember seeing, and I saw it at quite a tender age.

[1:11:20] The first time I ever saw a VCR in my life was when my father rented one just to watch a tape of Phantasm he had acquired.

[1:11:27] He recorded some audio.

[1:11:28] Through mysterious means.

[1:11:29] He recorded some audio.

[1:11:31] It all started with some tuning forks.

[1:11:35] He recorded some audio from it, specifically the sequence leading up to the famous cry of,

[1:11:39] Boy!

[1:11:40] And later used that tape for atmosphere as he passed out Halloween candy.

[1:11:45] He even had my fifth birthday...

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:46] Not just like during dinner?

[1:11:48] Yeah.

[1:11:49] To wake you up in the morning or anything?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:51] You eat a good dinner, boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:53] Now do your chores.

[1:11:55] He even had my fifth birthday cake inscribed,

[1:11:58] You play a good game, girl.

[1:12:00] This would have been in November 1979.

[1:12:03] I think that reference fell on deaf ears.

[1:12:05] I'm including links to two photos of my fifth birthday cake.

[1:12:08] One including me.

[1:12:09] My clothing should prove it was the late 1970s.

[1:12:11] And one just with a cake and it's fantastic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:13] If you're not holding up that day's newspaper, then I don't know what to tell you.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:15] I hope you enjoy.

[1:12:17] And she has a PS.

[1:12:18] I graduated from Earlham College in 1996,

[1:12:20] which I think means I'm probably a little too old to have met the Earlhamite floppers there.

[1:12:24] Yeah, that was when I graduated from high school.

[1:12:26] So we just missed each other.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:28] I was still in high school, but I didn't go to Earlham.

[1:12:30] I was probably swimming in my dad's ball sack back then.

[1:12:33] In 1996?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:35] That doesn't make any sense.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:37] This is from Heather Last Name of Hell.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] Unless you had some sort of an inner space accident and were injected into it.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:45] So I have the photos from Heather Last Name of Hell.

[1:12:48] And they're quite adorable.

[1:12:49] Oh, they are adorable.

[1:12:51] The cake.

[1:12:52] The phantasm cake with a five-year-old girl.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:54] What's weird is that everything else in the party room is Peanuts themed.

[1:12:59] It's all Snoopy.

[1:13:02] That's pretty great.

[1:13:02] So I guess a lot of people at the party were like, I don't remember Snoopy saying that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:07] It's not a famous line.

[1:13:08] Well, originally Angus Grimm was going to play Snoopy, and then they just got Snoopy the dog to play Snoopy.

[1:13:12] I didn't realize that.

[1:13:13] Good grief, boy.

[1:13:15] So I guess Charlie Brown says good grief.

[1:13:17] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:17] I feel like if you hadn't already met your soulmate, then Heather might be the girl for you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:22] Or at least her dad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:25] So what I'm doing with my son in Spider-Man, he did with his daughter in Phantasm.

[1:13:31] Yeah.

[1:13:33] Similar.

[1:13:33] Although I have been teaching my son to say Ghostbusters in response to Who You Gonna Call?

[1:13:38] He really likes the Ghostbusters song.

[1:13:40] We've been dancing to it a lot at home.

[1:13:42] And I ask him, I go, Who are you gonna call?

[1:13:43] And I can see him struggling to remember it like it's on the tip of his tongue.

[1:13:46] And I go, Ghostbusters?

[1:13:48] And he goes, Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:52] I mean, well, at least he's learned the lesson.

[1:13:55] Whether or not he can express it himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:58] He knows it.

[1:13:59] Yeah.

[1:13:59] He knows it when he hears it.

[1:14:00] If someone suggests it to him.

[1:14:01] This is why you have kids.

[1:14:03] He'll make the call.

[1:14:03] To force your interests upon them until they rebel against them.

[1:14:07] Yeah.

[1:14:07] He's gonna be like, This is the Ghostbusters from my generation, Dad.

[1:14:10] They're women.

[1:14:11] Does that frighten you?

[1:14:13] And I'll be like, No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:16] So, is your childhood ruined, Dad?

[1:14:20] And you're like, Son, your voice is so dumb.

[1:14:21] So deep.

[1:14:22] You play a good game, Dad.

[1:14:25] The more you know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:29] I'm Angus Scrimm for Dad Tasm.

[1:14:32] It's a horror movie about you.

[1:14:34] P. Daddy is my name.

[1:14:36] P. standing for Phantasm.

[1:14:37] The Phantasm Daddy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:39] Then my P.D. is the New York Phantasm Daddy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:43] If there was the New York Phantasm Department, Stuart, you would run out and apply for that

[1:14:48] right away.

[1:14:49] The mayor would appoint you to.

[1:14:51] I'd start growing my little mustache to be a fresh recruit.

[1:14:55] So, you can be one of three things.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:57] You can either be a kid, an ice cream man, or an orb.

[1:15:00] You're just out there on the New York streets with a baseball bat swatting orbs out of the sky.

[1:15:05] No.

[1:15:05] That'd be awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:07] Catching the occasional robed dwarf.

[1:15:10] You're just yelling, get out of here, you stupid Phantasm orbs.

[1:15:13] Even the street's safe.

[1:15:15] What they do is.

[1:15:16] That mother is strong.

[1:15:17] For a long time, the policy was you just bought the orb a ticket, a bus ticket to Boston

[1:15:23] and just sent it on its way.

[1:15:26] We don't like your kind around here.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:31] Imagining the orb just like floating above a seat, moving along with the bus.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:36] You see this baseball bat?

[1:15:37] This means not welcome.

[1:15:40] And then there's an orb in the rain with its hair slicked down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:43] That's a coward.

[1:15:47] So you're comparing the Jewish character in School Ties to some sort of inhuman killer metal orb.

[1:15:55] I don't know how this became the most anti-Semitic podcast in the world that Gizmo is working for Hitler

[1:16:03] and the orb from Phantasm were Jews.

[1:16:06] I'm just saying that's revisionist history.

[1:16:09] So do we recommend things now, Dan?

[1:16:10] Yeah, what do we do?

[1:16:11] And then we bring this to a blessed end.

[1:16:12] The part of the podcast.

[1:16:13] How have we talked so long about this?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:14] Oh my God.

[1:16:16] This is the part of the podcast where we make recommendations of movies that you should watch instead of what we watched.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:22] Because we spent like 20 minutes putting on our bow ties.

[1:16:27] Podcast magic.

[1:16:29] And, you know.

[1:16:30] You going to jam some movie knowledge in somebody's ear, Dan?

[1:16:34] Yeah, I'm going to.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:35] I'd be recommending Cheeky.

[1:16:36] Jam it right in there.

[1:16:38] I mean, yeah.

[1:16:39] Just fill it up, dude.

[1:16:39] Yeah, I mean, my number one recommendation is Cheeky.

[1:16:42] But if you want a Shocktober recommendation, I just recently on...

[1:16:47] Watch Cheeky while wearing a ghost costume.

[1:16:52] I just recently watched on Netflix streaming Hellbound Hellraiser 2, which I had no expectations for and wound up loving it.

[1:17:02] It's totally crazy.

[1:17:03] It's super crazy, right?

[1:17:04] It starts off with a skinless man being stretched apart and it doesn't slow down from there.

[1:17:11] There's a scene with a guy using a razor to cut bugs off of him.

[1:17:15] And then, like, later on, the hero, like, goes through a psycho ward into a crazy alternate universe Alice in Wonderland pinhead world.

[1:17:23] Did Clive Barker direct that one?

[1:17:25] I don't think so.

[1:17:26] No, I looked it up.

[1:17:28] He did not direct it.

[1:17:29] Which means that it's a little more coherent than Hellraiser, even though it's still totally nutty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:35] I think that's how it was advertised, was more coherent than Hellraiser, but still totally nutty.

[1:17:43] Tons of nuts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:47] Like a fucking payday.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:51] Sometimes you feel like this movie.

[1:17:54] Sometimes you don't.

[1:17:55] I was saying to Stu that in the 80s there were a whole school of horror movies that were kind of this fantasy horror movie.

[1:18:05] Like some of the later Nightmare on Elm Street or Phantasm as it went along.

[1:18:13] JFK.

[1:18:16] And, you know, another Clive Barker film, Nightbreed.

[1:18:22] But movies where it's all about, like, crazy dream imagery.

[1:18:26] Like, horrific dream imagery.

[1:18:28] And that's kind of a type of horror movie that you don't see anymore.

[1:18:32] That sort of crossover horror fantasy just zaniness.

[1:18:37] And I miss it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:39] Horror is a lot more earthbound and brimy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:42] Yeah.

[1:18:42] Well, and also, I mean, those movies were expensive when they made them.

[1:18:47] And now people realize, like, oh, just give me a fucking camcorder and I can make a found footage movie.

[1:18:52] Give me a laptop and I can make an unfriended four or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:56] I think, yeah, there was a sense for a while that maybe, like, similar to, it's not exactly the same,

[1:19:02] but similar to, like, punk stripping away all the excess and weirdness of 70s rock.

[1:19:09] That, like, the types of movies that were more, like, either found footage or torture porn were, like, stripping back to the elements.

[1:19:15] And maybe it's time that that pendulum swang back in the other direction.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:18] Yeah, except for I don't think I would like the new version of it because these old movies had such beautiful practical effects.

[1:19:23] And I feel like if they did a new version of that, it would look like Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:27] It'd be like Crimson Peak, which comes out this weekend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:30] Yeah, I guess Crimson Peak is that kind of movie.

[1:19:32] Supposedly, I haven't seen it because it hasn't come out yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:34] Anyway, watch it.

[1:19:36] You can see it on Netflix.

[1:19:37] Streaming.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:38] Streaming, indeed.

[1:19:39] Now, for people who haven't seen the first Hellraiser, would you say it'll be totally lost?

[1:19:43] No.

[1:19:44] None of those movies make any sense.

[1:19:46] You can jump right into this.

[1:19:46] Your story checks out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:50] That's how we know he's not a pinhead trying to trick us.

[1:19:53] Yeah.

[1:19:54] I don't have a Shocktober recommendation.

[1:19:56] I just have a regular one.

[1:19:57] Good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:57] I have an awesome Sloptober recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:00] Sloptober.

[1:20:01] Sloptober, indeed.

[1:20:01] It's called Screwballs because these are slobs.

[1:20:03] Fight the snobs.

[1:20:05] So I'm going to recommend a Shocktober spookifying scare-em-up called Deathgasm, available on VOD right now.

[1:20:14] Deathgasm is a...

[1:20:15] Video of death.

[1:20:16] That's what it means.

[1:20:18] Deathgasm is kind of like a splatter horror comedy from New Zealand that clearly has a lot of love for early Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson and even some Edgar Wright stuff.

[1:20:33] And it's about a pair of metalhead dudes who get together and they form a heavy metal band.

[1:20:40] And by playing a song that they find in a weird abandoned house, they summon a demon from hell and then they have to kill a bunch of demons in the process.

[1:20:52] And it has a lot of practical special effects.

[1:20:55] It's gross.

[1:20:57] It's funny.

[1:20:58] And it's got a lot of good heavy metal music.

[1:21:02] So totally checking out.

[1:21:04] Deathgasm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:05] You know what?

[1:21:06] I realized I do have a Shocktober recommendation.

[1:21:08] So I'm going to recommend two movies real quick.

[1:21:10] One is Shocktober.

[1:21:11] One is not for Shocktober.

[1:21:12] An old classic that I don't remember if I've recommended before.

[1:21:16] If I have, I apologize.

[1:21:17] And that is Mad Love starring Peter Lorre, which is a movie that is super creepy and weird.

[1:21:23] He is this creepy bald guy who becomes obsessed with an actress who is in like a Grand Guinal type, I don't know how to pronounce it, type theater of blood and the grotesque.

[1:21:33] And the woman's husband is a surgeon and the woman is a piano player.

[1:21:39] I can't remember what the husband is.

[1:21:40] The point is he loses his hands in a train accident and Peter Lorre replaces them with a knife throwing murderer's hands.

[1:21:46] But the hands are kind of forgotten because Peter Lorre's character is so creepy and scary that you don't really need it.

[1:21:53] But it's a really effective, tight little creepy thriller movie that I think Carl Freund was who directed it, the guy who was a cinematographer for Metropolis.

[1:22:02] And he directed The Mummy.

[1:22:04] So that's my Shocktober recommendation so we can get some old movies in here.

[1:22:07] And then I saw a new movie recently that doesn't need my help to become successful because it's a top movie right now.

[1:22:12] But I saw a movie called The Mars Man starring Max Demon directed by Gridley Spot.

[1:22:17] But I saw The Martian and I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:22:21] I liked it.

[1:22:22] It's been a lot scarier before.

[1:22:23] Yeah.

[1:22:24] But what's scarier than being trapped on a planet by yourself?

[1:22:26] That's frightening, dude.

[1:22:28] And you've got to make your own food.

[1:22:29] The movie is a little too, like, winky clever sometimes.

[1:22:34] And there's one too many montages set to pop songs.

[1:22:38] But overall, it's like a really, like, just engrossing movie of a very old-fashioned science fiction type where there's a problem.

[1:22:46] People need to find a solution for it.

[1:22:48] And they just work through solutions until they can try to solve the problem.

[1:22:52] And I found it really refreshing because, one, there's no villain in the movie.

[1:22:57] Everyone's on the same page and they all want the same thing.

[1:23:00] But, like, they have different ideas of how to get it.

[1:23:02] But I was waiting for, like, the evil person who wants to leave Matt Damon up there because it's good publicity for NASA or something.

[1:23:08] And that never happens.

[1:23:09] So it was like a movie.

[1:23:11] Played by Paul Reiser.

[1:23:12] Yeah.

[1:23:12] Well, basically, Paul Reiser and Aliens.

[1:23:14] Yeah.

[1:23:14] And it's like a movie about teamwork and problem solving that was just, like, kind of an upbeat movie about a semi-realistic problem.

[1:23:27] Like, and it felt, this is something I was tweeting about about it.

[1:23:30] So if you've read my Twitter feed, you've seen this.

[1:23:32] But it felt like, I don't know, but it said, like, it felt like seeing a movie where if America was, like, a functioning socialist or communist country, this is the type of movie we would make in a good way.

[1:23:44] Where it's like, America is exploring for science.

[1:23:47] Uh-oh, a problem.

[1:23:48] Time for everyone to work together as a team to solve it.

[1:23:52] And that shouldn't work dramatically as well as it does.

[1:23:54] But it does work dramatically.

[1:23:56] Yeah.

[1:23:56] The characters are a little thin, and Matt Damon never seems to be all that bothered by the fact that he's trapped on Mars.

[1:24:02] But otherwise, it was really good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:05] Four great recommendations.

[1:24:06] We did it.

[1:24:07] I'm going to go off script here a little bit, and Dan can edit this out if you want.

[1:24:12] But I would like to propose a...

[1:24:14] A toast.

[1:24:14] I would like to propose another ill-defined Flophouse contest.

[1:24:18] Because I need some help from you listeners out there in, I don't know, the rest of the world.

[1:24:24] See, I'm opening up a little bar, Hinterlands Bar.

[1:24:27] You can find us on Facebook.

[1:24:29] We're going to be on Church Avenue in Brooklyn.

[1:24:31] And one of the things that I would like to do is have a personalized, kind of artistic choking victim poster.

[1:24:40] Because every bar or restaurant has to have a choking victim poster.

[1:24:44] But you can add a little bit of your own, have your own, like, flavor to it.

[1:24:48] So what I would like to do is, I'm going to propose today, and you guys can veto this on air if you want.

[1:24:53] But I was going to suggest that we do a contest where you Flophouse folks can put together your best version of a choking victim poster, you artsy types.

[1:25:06] And all the rules for what you would need to have to include on that poster will be on the Flophouse website when this episode airs.

[1:25:13] And I think, what, about two weeks?

[1:25:16] Two weeks from when this airs, I'd like to have it, have all the entries in, and then we'll do a short voting.

[1:25:24] The specifics will all be on the website.

[1:25:26] And the winner will be, of course, used.

[1:25:30] And we'll maybe get to pick a movie for us to watch.

[1:25:34] Dan?

[1:25:35] Sure.

[1:25:36] Sure.

[1:25:36] You'll get to pick a movie that isn't Nothing But Trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:40] Nothing But Trouble is banned from these contests.

[1:25:42] Yep.

[1:25:42] Until maybe our final episode of all time.

[1:25:45] When you see Nothing But Trouble pop up in your podcast, you know that we're done.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:48] Yeah, we have crossed over into another one.

[1:25:51] Hell.

[1:25:52] And everybody else who enters but doesn't win will certainly get a free drink if they come by my bar.

[1:25:59] And some other kind of ill-defined thing that will be on the website.

[1:26:04] You're really putting a lot of work into your dad.

[1:26:07] Yeah.

[1:26:08] No, I'll take care of that part.

[1:26:09] Okay.

[1:26:12] So, contest.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:14] I wasn't paying attention to that, so you just worked out.

[1:26:16] You were just looking at the back of that cheeky DVD you got.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:20] Why looking at the back when the front has just a lady's butt on it?

[1:26:23] Yeah.

[1:26:24] Here's what I like about the DVD case.

[1:26:26] It's called Cheeky.

[1:26:27] It snaps.

[1:26:28] The cover opens easily.

[1:26:30] I give it an A+.

[1:26:32] As advertised.

[1:26:35] Plus, snaps closed with a slight push.

[1:26:38] Good one, Entertainment Weekly over here.

[1:26:41] Sits on the shelf comfortably.

[1:26:43] It's the same shape and size as my other DVDs.

[1:26:45] So, they all look up a piece together.

[1:26:47] And I like that about it.

[1:26:49] Now, some would say that the covering over the insert with the name of the title is too

[1:26:55] shiny.

[1:26:56] But I think it's just shiny enough.

[1:26:58] It says the name along the spine.

[1:27:01] That's amazing for organizing.

[1:27:02] The summary insert with the cover is cut well so that none of it peeks out of the plastic sleeve.

[1:27:08] So, that looks very professional on the shelf as well.

[1:27:11] But it's called Cheeky.

[1:27:13] It's a woman lifting up her skirt on the front.

[1:27:15] On the back, it keeps talking about what a sensual feast it is.

[1:27:18] And then the bottom, for mature audiences.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:20] Thanks.

[1:27:21] Thanks, buddy.

[1:27:21] Oh, it's not a kid's film?

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:23] This tribute to women's hinders is not for the whole family to enjoy?

[1:27:29] Yeah.

[1:27:31] So, I recommend the DVD case for Cheeky to anyone who wants to store DVDs or put something

[1:27:37] on their shelf.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:38] The movie I don't care for.

[1:27:39] I find it lewd.

[1:27:40] Yeah.

[1:27:43] Yeah.

[1:27:43] Well, thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:44] Thanks for this super-sized episode of the Flop House.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:48] Yeah.

[1:27:48] We got one more Shocktober.

[1:27:50] Look out for that.

[1:27:51] But until then, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:54] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[1:27:57] Even after all this time, Elliot Kalin remains.

[1:28:00] Good night, everyone.

[1:28:01] Boom.

[1:28:02] Boom.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:12] We'll bring extra mustard to the sandwich.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:16] We did to that intro.

[1:28:18] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:19] It's fucking on fire like a sandwich.

[1:28:22] Like a sandwich on fire?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:26] I knew I could get Dan with some stupid bullshit.

[1:28:29] We call it the Flaming Reuben.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:30] We take a regular Reuben and we light it on fire.

[1:28:33] We take a guy named Reuben.

[1:28:34] He is not happy about this situation.

[1:28:36] Reuben Stoddard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:37] Reuben Stoddard.

[1:28:38] A lot to burn there.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:41] MaximumFun.org.

[1:28:43] Comedy and culture.

[1:28:44] Artist owned.

[1:28:45] Listener supported.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:48] Welcome to the Lady to Lady show.

[1:28:50] Behind door number one, we have fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart,

[1:28:55] Zretta, and more.

[1:28:57] Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games like Would You Rather and Never

[1:29:02] Have I Ever.

[1:29:03] The kind of games that remind you of being a kid.

[1:29:05] Door number three brings you fresh hot episodes every Wednesday.

[1:29:09] You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

[1:29:12] Now pick a door.

[1:29:13] Just kidding.

[1:29:13] They're not real because we're a podcast.

[1:29:15] You're all winners.

[1:29:17] And we didn't really think this through.

[1:29:19] Lady to Lady.

Ep. #189 - Deliver Us from Evil

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