Ep. #190 - Ouija

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we watched Ouija.

[0:04] Ouija.

[0:05] Ouija? Actually, Ouija is the preferred pronunciation.

[0:09] By who? No one.

[0:10] On the dictionaries.

[0:12] On the dictionaries!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:48] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:49] And tonight, Dan is joined by three spirits.

[0:53] I'm Stuart Wellington, the scariest ghost.

[0:57] And I'm Elliot Kalin, the shortest ghost.

[0:59] And I'm Hallie Haglin, the pile of bones.

[1:05] Oh no, okay, two ghosts and a pile of bones.

[1:08] She's disintegrated.

[1:09] That was that sitcom, two ghosts, a girl, and a pile of bones.

[1:15] Not a good show.

[1:16] Yeah, as has become a miniature Shocktober tradition,

[1:20] Hallie has returned to be with us.

[1:23] Yeah, because she's tiny.

[1:26] She's a tiny person.

[1:28] With a big heart.

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:30] You're gonna find that out tonight, people.

[1:34] In my special Christmas episode.

[1:37] Right now, for Halloween.

[1:39] It's called The Very Spooky Hallie Christmas.

[1:43] Not even like Happy Hallie Days?

[1:46] No, that sounds too much like Happy Days.

[1:48] And it gets confused with Hallie Days, Hallie's Happy Days tribute.

[1:52] Where she plays all the parts.

[1:54] Hallie, give us a taste.

[1:56] Hey, I'm talking over here.

[2:00] Have you ever seen Happy Days?

[2:03] Now do Dwayne the Jambler.

[2:09] Can I empty your trash?

[2:11] Perfect.

[2:12] Dead on.

[2:13] Dead on.

[2:14] Now do the foreign exchange student, Rinaldo.

[2:19] Hola.

[2:24] That was the most questionable hola I've ever heard.

[2:27] I feel pretty pimped out right now, okay?

[2:30] You are pimped out.

[2:32] Look at those rims you got.

[2:33] She's got neon lights under her chassis.

[2:35] Yeah, that's called ground effects.

[2:37] Don't talk about Hallie's chassis.

[2:38] There's a PlayStation 2 in her trunk.

[2:43] That's not junk.

[2:45] In my trunk.

[2:47] So...

[2:49] Did I sponsor a PlayStation 2?

[2:52] Go back in time and buy one today.

[2:55] Games are still usable, Elliot.

[2:57] Tonight's sponsor, Silliness.

[3:01] Like the concept?

[3:03] Is that like a syllabus company?

[3:05] Yeah, the concept of silliness.

[3:09] Silliness syllabus.

[3:10] Yeah, just general hijinks.

[3:14] Okay, thanks for explaining to me what silliness is.

[3:16] So now that we've been goofballs, what do we do on this podcast, Daniel?

[3:20] Oh, very serious.

[3:21] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:25] And tonight, for our final Shocktober...

[3:29] Ever.

[3:31] What?

[3:32] Are we already ghosts?

[3:34] Yes, we are.

[3:34] I already said that.

[3:35] This year, in a Shocktober that's brought us a cornucopia of Shocktober episodes.

[3:41] Three regular episodes.

[3:42] A corpse-icopia.

[3:43] One crossover episode, but this is the last one, and we watched Ouija.

[3:50] Stop saying Ouija.

[3:51] They don't even say Ouija in the movie.

[3:53] They call it Ouija.

[3:54] You were saying Ouija before we got on the air.

[3:57] I was saying...

[3:58] You're like, I'm going to be the cool guy.

[4:00] I want to impress my boys.

[4:01] Then he put on his glasses, and he's like, Ouija.

[4:06] That's true, he did put on glasses.

[4:07] Yeah, that's the coolest way to be.

[4:09] Put on your glasses and start correcting people's pronunciation.

[4:13] He put his glasses on after we watched the movie.

[4:16] He's like, the movie I found too blurry.

[4:21] I couldn't read any of the credits or other on-screen text.

[4:24] Thumbs down.

[4:25] What would you need if it's a Ouija board?

[4:27] There is a lot of on-screen text.

[4:29] That's true.

[4:30] Yes, no, letters, goodbye, a moon, a sun.

[4:33] Hi, friends.

[4:35] The Parker Brothers brand.

[4:37] That's why I don't like a movie about Ouija boards.

[4:40] Is it Mattel?

[4:41] Which is it?

[4:42] Is it Parker Brothers, Mattel, or...

[4:43] I thought it was Parker Brothers.

[4:44] It's a board game, and Parker Brothers is a board game company.

[4:47] Mattel is...

[4:48] You'd have to be bored to play this game.

[4:50] Let's get to the movie.

[4:52] But it's not just like having subtitles where you have to read the movie.

[4:55] You have to spell the movie.

[4:57] Yeah, luckily they said everything.

[4:59] It's like Stephen Hawking's telling you a story.

[5:00] No, but they would spell something out, but then they would say it out loud.

[5:03] And they would say it out loud much faster than I had been able to spell it.

[5:06] Because I was like halfway through, and they were like, oh, thanks.

[5:10] Now, let's make it clear.

[5:12] There have been three different movies named Ouija in the past 11 years.

[5:15] So which one did we watch?

[5:16] We watched the most recent one from 2014.

[5:20] We watched Big Top Ouija.

[5:23] Right after Ouija's Big Adventure?

[5:25] Yeah, exactly.

[5:26] What a better movie this would have been.

[5:28] It was called Ouija's Big Adventure, and it was about Peeley Herman,

[5:31] or just Paul Reubens, out of character, using a Ouija board.

[5:34] Yeah, it was a ghost.

[5:36] And it was just him and a ghost.

[5:38] I'm a ghost. I know you are, but what am I?

[5:40] A ghost. I know you are, but what am I?

[5:42] No, wait, hold on. I'm not answering the question properly.

[5:44] The large Marge scene wouldn't be quite as scary, though.

[5:46] No, you'd know she was a ghost right from the beginning.

[5:48] Yeah.

[5:50] Am I speaking to Large Marge?

[5:52] Waaaah!

[5:53] Okay, so I am? Great.

[5:55] Yeah, the little planchette went on to W-A-A-A-A, exclamation point.

[6:01] Why did they even put an exclamation point on the Ouija board?

[6:04] Because they learned with Ouija boards what everyone learned with text messages,

[6:07] which is if you don't put an exclamation point at the end,

[6:09] it sounds weirdly passive-aggressive and like you're mad.

[6:11] Yeah, that's true.

[6:12] So the ghosts always have to put exclamation points.

[6:14] They didn't use to, yeah, they definitely added it,

[6:17] along with the emoticons that they added to the Ouija board.

[6:19] Yeah, when they added that eggplant emoticon

[6:21] so that ghosts could talk about their penises.

[6:23] That is funny, though.

[6:25] So that Japanese ghosts could talk about their penises.

[6:29] Why Japanese in particular?

[6:31] Oh, I was thinking of...

[6:34] That old urban legend that Japanese men have eggplants for penises?

[6:38] That's why Kid Icarus is always fighting an eggplant wizard.

[6:42] I played Kid Icarus when I was little!

[6:44] Wow, we have so much in common, me and Hallie!

[6:47] You guys should get married or kill each other or I don't know what.

[6:50] Or play Kid Icarus!

[6:52] What if that was the lamest ever attempt to single white female somebody?

[6:55] That's why Kid Icarus was like this.

[6:57] I used to play Kid Icarus all the time, too!

[7:00] And now I'm gonna stab a stiletto through your eye.

[7:04] Happened in single white female.

[7:06] Oh, my shoe's untied.

[7:07] I have to tie my shoe also!

[7:10] RIP Steven Weber.

[7:12] He died in single white female.

[7:14] He's still alive in real life.

[7:16] No, he got that stiletto through his eye.

[7:18] Living off of that Weber's real money.

[7:21] Dan, you do know that when things happen in movies, they don't usually happen in real life, right?

[7:24] What?

[7:26] Uh-oh. We've got a lot of educating of this guy to do.

[7:29] Anyway, Dan, have you ever heard of Santa Claus?

[7:33] You mean Fred Claus' brother?

[7:38] Let's talk about Ouija, shall we?

[7:40] Yeah, we probably should.

[7:41] I'll focus on the scares.

[7:42] Now, it's based on the popular board game, which is not actually a game.

[7:45] Here's CARES, which is my charity.

[7:47] Your charity that helps homeless ghosts?

[7:51] Ghosts without sheets.

[7:54] Ghosts without the most.

[7:56] Beetlejuice, everybody.

[7:58] Ghosts without the most Beetlejuice?

[8:00] You need more Beetlejuice.

[8:02] Ghosts.

[8:04] Ouija. It's the movie we watched.

[8:06] Let's explain what happens in it, okay?

[8:08] It's about a game.

[8:09] It's about Ouija boards.

[8:12] Yeah, it's based on the popular way to contact the dead.

[8:15] It doesn't work, but it does work for girls at slumber parties, apparently.

[8:19] So we open on some little girls playing with a Ouija board.

[8:22] Yeah, and they tell us the rules of the Ouija board, which I've never heard before.

[8:25] Don't feed it after midnight.

[8:27] Don't get it wet, and make sure...

[8:30] It's protection.

[8:32] And if you can't be safe, name it after me.

[8:34] By the way, I want to say that, like...

[8:38] What, you name it Ouija?

[8:40] Yeah, and the rule, gas, grass, or ass, no one rides free.

[8:44] Yeah, and also, you smelt it, you dealt it.

[8:49] And if you can't take the heat, get out of the Ouija.

[8:52] And also, the Second Amendment.

[8:57] Okay, there's rules you need to know about the Ouija board.

[8:59] Never use it alone.

[9:00] Never use it in the graveyard.

[9:02] In order for the maintenance of a well-regulated militia,

[9:05] the right to bear arms shall not be infringed.

[9:07] And also, have fun.

[9:10] And don't forget, if you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

[9:14] And this is very important, do not tell mom the babysitter is dead.

[9:17] Use the Ouija board to contact the babysitter,

[9:20] she'll tell you when to go to bed.

[9:23] And no running.

[9:27] Also, adult swim, call kids out of the pool.

[9:30] No runnings, just full stop.

[9:32] No, that movie with Dougie Doug, No Runnings?

[9:35] Where they couldn't afford a bobsled, so they didn't go to the Olympics?

[9:38] Where John, was that John Candy?

[9:41] Yeah, John Candy.

[9:42] He put so many weights in his bobsled that it just wouldn't move.

[9:47] You're really getting into this Cool Runnings description.

[9:50] This is a really deep dive into the Cool Runnings plot.

[9:52] No, remember, that was why he didn't win,

[9:55] and he had to become a coach,

[9:56] was because he cheated by putting a bunch of weights in his bobsled.

[10:00] I mean he's a national treasure but he was a large man. I mean a Canadian

[10:09] treasure. It's still a nation. Technically. Canadian treasures. There's a treasure map A on the back of the loony.

[10:23] On the back of the document that says we're our own country because we

[10:29] never had a revolution or nothing. Anyway let's go find that treasure. It's a

[10:35] bunch of cans of schlitz. You okay dude? Basically a Bob or Doug McKenzie treasure. National treasure 2 Book of Strange Brew.

[10:50] I want to back up though and say that I predicted when we were trying to

[10:55] figure out what movie we're gonna watch I predicted that out of the choices

[10:58] Hallie was gonna choose Ouija because it's my theory. Ouija. Women love Ouija

[11:04] boards. They do. I chose LL Ouija boards. Now Hallie this movie opens with two

[11:11] young girls playing with a Ouija board. It's their friends. I was not one of them.

[11:16] No Hallie was not a character in the film. That's a good point we should make

[11:20] I guess. Debbie and Blaine are best friends and Blaine is not happy that

[11:25] Blaine was her name. Debbie and Blaine. Blaine from Pretty in Pink. Pretty in Campbell's now and

[11:35] Blaine yells at her younger sister to go away. Are we ever going to talk about this movie? No. I'm going to give the shortest plot summary after this. Is it Norway or who does the ceremony at Christmas when they just put their candles on their heads. I can't decipher this one.

[11:55] Is this a Colorado thing? No if you got free the ladies out there. If your man's not giving you love kick him to the curb. Also can you tell me about this candle head thing? No people will remember. If you had American girls it was Kirsten. I can't remember where she was from but she had that outfit that was the candle on the head outfit because it was a tradition because she was an immigrant. I don't remember where from. An immigrant who died in a mysterious way.

[12:25] That was really up to you. That was really up to the owner of the doll. Is she like a miner or something? Why does she have a little candle on her head? No it was like a special like some Scandinavian way to celebrate Christmas or something. A Christmas thing. A foreign Christmas thing. Like a bouche to Noel. Now there is no more appropriate time to talk about Christmas traditions than during our Halloween episode. I told you. The one that will literally go up on Halloween.

[12:55] This is the least spooky Shocktober episode we've ever done. Someone throw some chain sound effects on there again. There better be chain sound effects and creaking doors through this whole thing. That's a scary witch. That was so frightening. Anyway so these two girls are playing with the Ouija board. Hallie when you were a little kid like at sleepovers did you use to play with the Ouija board? Bring Hallie back into the conversation. But at least it's relevant. Like this is a thing that I as a male child never did. You didn't play with Ouija boards?

[13:23] No I contacted the spirits by killing small animals and pouring their blood onto the altar I carved. So is this a thing that girls actually do? Yeah we had a Ouija board. We played Ouija. Did you contact anything? No it never like worked for me. I like that you're implying that it was your problem. I must have been doing it wrong because this plastic board never contacted the dead. I don't know what turned spirits off to me. I don't know.

[13:52] I need to read a book about what spirits really want. I mean you did say last Shocktober that you really wanted to see a ghost. I know and I said it to you again on the subway today not joking. You were like what are you going to do for Halloween and I was like I said it before and I'll say it again. I want to see a ghost. Well that's not what you're going to do. This is going ghost hunting I guess. Not busting. Not hunting. I'm like a watcher. I'm like a bird watcher. I appreciate

[14:22] that. She's an enthusiast. You're a hunter in the same way that a MILF hunter is a MILF hunter. He's not killing the MILFs. So Ouija boards. Cut to it's you know eight years later or however long they're teenagers in high school now. And one of those girls is immediately breaking the rules by playing by herself. She's playing Ouija board by herself. She's trying to say goodbye to somebody and does it work? And she's

[14:52] her friend is talking her Lane is talking to Debbie on the phone and she's like hey you gonna come to the game. No no. And I don't remember if we ever found out why Debbie did she break up with her boyfriend or something like that. She just like she wouldn't come out of her house. She just wasn't feeling like it. She had leftovers. She had a plate of leftovers. And I guess it's because she wanted to deal with this ghost. Too busy. She doesn't want to go to the big game because she's busy with this ghost problem. She sits down for leftovers. The lights are flickering. The door opens. The stove turns on. She goes up to use the Ouija board and is like

[15:22] no she had already thrown the Ouija board in the fire. Oh that's right. I'm sorry I didn't accept. She had said goodbye to the Ouija board, thrown it in the fireplace, went to sit down to eat her leftovers. Uh oh. The door opens. It's spookiness. The light the fire turns on. She goes up to her room. The Ouija board is there. What. And then. No no no no no no. You know and we learned that you can see a ghost if you hold up the planchette and look through the little plastic circle in the middle. Which would have made the game like way more fun.

[15:52] If I had known when I was a child. Yeah maybe you would have contacted a ghost after all. Maybe it was a ghost that didn't have hands and so couldn't use the planchette but like you could see them if you hold it up. A ghost monocle. That is the most dapper ghost. It's just a monocle floating in midair. Maybe a top hat. A ghost of Mr. Peanut. She holds that thing up and her eye totally milks over. Yeah she looks like Storm using her powers. And then she reaches up and grabs. Or a little orphan Annie at any point.

[16:23] She had milky eyes. She had no pupils. Little orphan Annie was always using her weather controlling powers.

[16:29] Oh I was like uh. I'm not talking about Annie. No they fitted the girl playing Annie for all white contact lenses.

[16:37] I would love that if it was like. They deemed it too painful and too scary.

[16:41] It was like Robert Altman's Popeye level of like trying to be like a comic.

[16:46] So she has no pupils. She's constantly getting kidnapped and everyone hates Roosevelt is how it would go then.

[16:52] And Daddy Warbucks is a huge war profiteer.

[16:55] There was a whole series. He died in the comic strip and then after FDR died Daddy Warbucks came back and he was like well I don't have to be in hiding anymore now that that man is dead.

[17:04] He was like that's terrible. That was the president. Even if you disagree with the man have respect for the office.

[17:12] He was the Tony Stark's dad of his day.

[17:15] Was he also like a scientist?

[17:21] I guess we'll dig your word for it.

[17:22] And his son is Iron Man?

[17:23] No Annie is Iron Man.

[17:26] Iron Manny of course. Although that sounds like Manny from Modern Family.

[17:30] Sandy was a war machine.

[17:32] So Sandy is a dog in armor. I gotta say that's a pretty great mash up right there.

[17:39] So where are we in this movie?

[17:42] So we're like two minutes in.

[17:44] You're never fully dressed without a suit of armor.

[17:46] Okay so she is now possessed. She takes a string of Christmas lights, hangs herself with them.

[17:52] In the first of many shock cuts that spook Halle out loud I find fantastic.

[17:57] Didn't it spook me? They got damned. They got stored.

[17:59] Yep I was freaking.

[18:00] There were a couple times when people would go like hey and jump out of nowhere and they were genuinely good jump outs.

[18:07] But what I like about watching a horror movie with Halle is – excuse me I had to pop out for a second.

[18:12] She started crying.

[18:14] I love the experience of watching a movie with Halle too much.

[18:18] What I love about watching a horror movie with Halle is every scare she goes ah until a certain point in the movie where she just stops giving a shit.

[18:28] And she is so fed up with the movie and she's just like just do the thing bitch.

[18:34] Come on. Just go in and do that stupid thing.

[18:36] I love it.

[18:38] There's this – and I can never quite pinpoint when the switch has happened but I know when it happens when she starts talking.

[18:43] If anyone has the chance to watch a horror movie with Halle, go ahead and do it.

[18:47] Maybe it will be a prize in a contest.

[18:51] Now she – so she's dead.

[18:53] Her friends are devastated.

[18:54] They go to a diner the next morning for breakfast.

[18:57] They order her her pancake with the worst.

[18:59] Because they thought she was coming.

[19:01] They had arranged prior to meet her.

[19:04] No, I didn't get a chance to order actually.

[19:06] I'm guessing it's got like fucking gummy bears and shit in it, whatever kids like to eat.

[19:10] That would be awesome.

[19:12] Three pounds of candy on top of it.

[19:15] And then they cover the whole thing just with –

[19:17] Said the worst. That's going to be $73.

[19:19] There's just like a steak on top of it with like mashed potatoes.

[19:23] There's one of those gold leaf things on top.

[19:29] It doesn't even have any flavor.

[19:31] It's just to be extravagant.

[19:33] It comes with a ceremonial goblet and plate.

[19:36] You keep the – that's why it's so expensive.

[19:38] That's the thing.

[19:39] It's not really a $10,000 pancake.

[19:41] It comes with a $10,000 bracelet.

[19:43] You get a picture if you put it on the wall.

[19:44] If you eat the pancake with the worst bracelet.

[19:47] On the wall under a title that just says idiots.

[19:54] They cover up what it says when you're there.

[19:57] Oh, yeah, you're on our wall of fame.

[20:00] anyway she they're all devastated by the death of their friends they don't know

[20:04] what's going on she goes and get take is you know we're introduced to like a

[20:09] cast of cool hip teens right yeah I got the guy who kind of looks like Patrick

[20:12] Dempsey that's Lane's boyfriend you got the dude who ever there's Alex kind of

[20:17] kind of weird kind of looks like the guy from Chronicle yeah yeah and that's

[20:22] Debbie's ex-boyfriend now that she's dead there's also Lane's sister who has

[20:31] grown up to be kind of a wild child mm-hmm and there's also their friend

[20:35] whose name I don't remember who is the one the waitress Isabel the ethnic

[20:39] waitress yeah Isabella waitress Eni like Isabella Rossellini

[20:44] which is a waitress it's an idea for a show okay who's gonna be the star

[20:51] Isabella Rossellini okay who does she play Isabella waitress Eni it's loosely

[20:57] based on her story except instead of being a popular model and actress what

[21:01] if she's a waitress okay but her mom is still Ingrid Bergman there won't be any

[21:05] weirder than those bug videos she makes here's the twist instead of her dad

[21:09] being Roberto Rossellini the director her dad was Fernando Rossellini a

[21:13] diner owner weird weird that his last name is not waitress Eni it's very

[21:24] ironic so they all get together and they're like what's the difference

[21:34] between Ingrid Bergman and Ingmar Bergman well they're two totally

[21:38] different people they both they have there one is a man one is a woman one

[21:43] was a director and the other was an actress wait is Ingmar Bergman the one

[21:46] who puts the women with huge tits in his movie no that's that's Ross Meyer it was

[21:51] a Seinfeld episode right remember at their okay we are getting really off to

[21:58] I'll say but the ladies you know what I'm talking about ladies you do not know

[22:07] what she is talking about the phone lines are open call and if you know what

[22:11] she's talking about a marble waiting for your call put many beautiful women in

[22:16] his movies they were not known for their enormous bus episode about like all the

[22:23] waitresses that were being hired at their diner had huge boobs and they kept

[22:26] being like it's like we're in an Ingmar Bergman film I think that I was like an

[22:29] Ingrid Bergman film Bergman it was not Ross Meyer they were not saying Ross

[22:35] Bergman made dour films about man's inability to find the truth in the

[22:41] universe without God all right although often it would be about the importance

[22:45] of religious faith just in a bleak world like the huge boobs in persona who can

[22:51] forget the famous scene in the seventh seal where the man plays chess with

[22:57] boobs that has a bikini carwash has to defeat death in a wet t-shirt contest

[23:08] anyway this is approaching my Baba Yaga stricken yeah straight is Reagan on so

[23:16] stricken no no thank you we're well aware she likes noodles anyway so I will

[23:23] point out Ingmar Bergman did make one movie with Ingrid Bergman autumn sonata

[23:26] which is a very good movie okay do you think they talk figure that out using

[23:30] your Ouija board they had to have it had to have come up the fact that people get

[23:35] them mixed up somehow even though they're different genders and they do

[23:38] different things but okay so everyone said at the funeral for her friend you

[23:46] know for a friend the post death of Superman storyline they the Debbie's mom

[23:52] gives Lane this kind of box of junk and is like hey Debbie would have wanted you

[23:56] to have this random shit but in it is your this penguin keychain Debbie love

[24:02] this penguin keychain that's one of this I mean the items we know of it are the

[24:06] penguin keychain and the Ouija board right it's the kind of stuff we leave

[24:08] behind when we die guys the Ouija board just shows up in her house right or

[24:12] something or they go to you know she finds it in her friend's house I thought

[24:16] it was in the box for some reason anyway the she decides she wants to get in

[24:21] touch with her friend she's gonna use the Ouija board with her friends in her

[24:27] Debbie's parents house because Debbie's parents have left to get over their

[24:30] grief and they asked her to watch this whole movie takes place in the town the

[24:38] dreaded parents there are well there's a Lane's dad leaves on a business trip at

[24:44] the beginning of the movie Debbie's parents leave and go somewhere else the

[24:48] other parents are never seen there's almost no adults in the movie yeah

[24:52] adults like the children of the corn town children of the corn town mm-hmm

[24:57] it kind of yeah it's a place where where that everyone maybe they're living in

[25:02] Logan's run mm-hmm and the parents were all going to get killed because they

[25:06] were over 30 mm-hmm so they left the town because if you stick around you'll

[25:09] get killed after when you hit 30 yeah yeah in Logan's run town mm-hmm yeah

[25:14] that seems like a mistake it's in the town charter there's nothing okay so

[25:20] they play they use the Ouija board and they contact someone a ghost who says

[25:25] their first initial is D and they say their goodbyes and it's actually kind of

[25:29] a heartfelt scene yeah and as I said while we're watching it that would be a

[25:32] very powerful experience to have to finally say goodbye to your friends that

[25:36] who died before their time yeah to say like see at the crossroads yeah I thought

[25:43] that was weird when you like thought that was such a powerful moment well it

[25:46] wasn't a powerful moment in the movie but it was like I would be in life yeah

[25:50] I could imagine myself if you if you were in that situation actually thought

[25:54] that someone was talking to you yeah if a friend of yours if someone you were

[25:57] close to died before they should have and you contact them and be on the grave

[26:01] and you say I never got a chance to say goodbye and I miss you and they somehow

[26:06] communicated back it's like if you met that ghost you're always talking about

[26:09] but she didn't get to say it was just like I never got a chance to say bye so

[26:13] bye I'm not saying they did it well in the movie I'm saying in real life that

[26:18] would be very it's not like what matters is how you treat people when they are

[26:22] alive not when they're dead okay

[26:27] good point anyway from that point on all sorts of spooky junk starts happening

[26:35] which one of them gets killed first is a bell is a waitress yeah she's about to

[26:42] take a nice bath and then starts fucking flossing which teenagers love to do this

[26:47] way all of them in one place or another the phrase hi friend appears and that's

[26:52] what the ghost said to them when they first use the Ouija board and like maybe

[26:56] it's written on one's car window it's carved into a desk it's written on in

[27:00] chalk and crime alley where Trevor decides to walk his bike through and

[27:04] passed a spooky hobo's basket and shopping cart full of cans you know it

[27:10] would have been better if when she met I'm jumping ahead a little bit sure but

[27:15] if when she went to the win lane jet went to Yesenia asylum and she met that

[27:19] woman who used to live in the house listeners this all makes sense when I

[27:23] get to that part of it if she said if that woman had said hi friend at some

[27:28] point yeah okay yeah I'll send that you should send those punch-up notes to

[27:33] Michael Bay's Platinum Dudes company all right his Platinum Dudes Michael Bay's

[27:38] company I thought his was the one with the tree getting hit by a lightning bolt

[27:42] no that's Jerry Bruckheimer yeah lightning tree productions I don't know

[27:51] why I was mad when I said that Stewart I apologize yeah you seem really worked

[27:53] up are you going through something Elliot Jerry Bruckheimer and I broke up

[27:57] okay I wanted custody of the tree and he wanted custody of the lightning and we

[28:04] just hate to separate them they strike so well together so so they get the

[28:10] message hi friend appears over and there's one scary moment here for me

[28:13] where where you thought you started contemplating your own mortality you're

[28:20] like I spent so much time in my life watching this movie and my deathbed am I

[28:28] really gonna regret not having seen Ouija anyway where Isabella is going to

[28:34] her car after work and there's a flyer on it oh I thought you were gonna say

[28:38] that because she's carrying a bag of trash over her shoulder

[28:44] she's wearing her nice clothes at that point yeah she's wearing a tuxedo with

[28:48] tails she's wearing her street clothes she's not wearing like her uniform no

[28:52] that's true and she's holding a garbage bag over shoulder in a way that she's

[28:55] guaranteed to get crap on her yeah garbage juice and Stewart you made a

[28:58] very good point that it's restaurant garbage it probably has some broken

[29:01] glass and broken glass maybe a French fry or some kind of grease probably

[29:11] AIDS needles in there yeah it's lousy with them yeah yeah cuz it's that's that

[29:15] kind of time lousy is appropriate because there's probably louses that's

[29:19] the plural that word you said carbon rods from a nuclear plant you know why

[29:25] not that's how you get pancakes with the works and probably just like a gremlin

[29:30] still alive just kind of trying to get out of the bag so there's there's a

[29:37] flyer and she removes it and says hi friends on the window and then friend

[29:41] my friend sorry a high friend on the window and a hand suddenly from inside

[29:46] the car slaps the window and she opens the door and there's nobody there which

[29:50] is crazy why would you open the door trying to give her if I saw that I would

[29:53] be like fuck this I'm going back inside yeah I'm gonna leave I'm gonna blow up

[29:57] this car I'm gonna left I Lopez

[30:00] this is a car

[30:02] wait a minute that's what happened

[30:04] left eye lopez died in a plane crash

[30:07] no no she didn't she burn her

[30:08] i think left eye lopez did too didn't she light her boyfriend's car on fire

[30:12] oh i don't know

[30:13] i thought it was her

[30:13] listeners write in if you know the back story of tlc

[30:17] phone lines are open

[30:19] call in right now

[30:20] i'll just call my number

[30:23] it's a one one two fake street

[30:28] his number is 1-800

[30:30] 1-800-NEW-YORK-NEW-YORK-DOT-COM

[30:35] i thought she was the one who lit her nfl boyfriend's car on fire

[30:39] that's possible

[30:39] she did die in a plane crash also

[30:42] not just lia

[30:44] okay stop looking at me like that

[30:47] i'm actually going to tell me that leonard skinner died in a plane crash

[30:53] yup, leonard skinner

[30:56] uh... but that was a creepy moment

[30:58] just like i'd like a hand and you don't know who the owner of this hand is and it just slaps the window in

[31:02] but she opens the door and there's nobody there

[31:03] yeah it's one of like many decent jump scares this movie uses

[31:06] yeah they're not

[31:07] the other one where they had the the boyfriend investigate the mystery of the pool tarp

[31:12] and uh... that's what she's

[31:14] which is strangely

[31:15] not attached properly

[31:17] so we're watching this and we're like that dude's gonna fucking drown in there right

[31:20] and so while he's fiddling with the pool tarp

[31:23] it cuts to lane

[31:25] let's just make it clear

[31:26] unlike other tarps we've talked about on this show there is not any sort of low budget lesbian or gt

[31:31] no none at all

[31:33] she didn't die in a plane crash she died in a car crash

[31:36] oh then i feel bad i'm sorry did she light her boyfriend's car on fire

[31:40] we'll find out in a second we'll get back to that in a second

[31:42] and if anyone was offended by that i was not referring to her death in a car crash

[31:46] tennis shoes when she set fire to andre ricin's tennis shoes in a bathtub

[31:52] uh... no it's not the house on fire right

[31:56] which ultimately spread to the mansion in sherryville

[32:00] i got her house

[32:02] really buried the lead so most of the tennis shoes

[32:05] so it was a house i was thinking of not a car i apologize

[32:08] i think i was thinking of what's the movie where the woman

[32:10] lights her boyfriend's car on fire because he's cheated on her or something

[32:14] uh... the big lebowski dumps all those fish in his car that's not the same thing at all

[32:19] fish represent water which is the opposite of fire

[32:21] there was uh... tiger woods wife where she broke

[32:25] that's not a movie

[32:29] there was that time that astronaut lady drove across the country

[32:32] in a diaper

[32:34] that's not what i'm talking about no

[32:36] those are all mostly things involving cars

[32:41] where one of the poor cars is set on fire

[32:44] horrifying sentient cars

[32:46] a dystopian nightmare future world where cars are taken over

[32:50] so isabella goes home she runs a bath

[32:52] she starts flossing as anyone would right before they take a bath especially

[32:55] when you're a teenager

[32:57] and suddenly her mouth gets sewn up and her eyes cloud over and

[33:01] you think she's going to drown in the bathtub but instead she's levitating and then she

[33:05] falls and hits her head on the sink

[33:06] and that's how it kills her

[33:07] so the ghost yeah covers its tracks now i can't remember the order of the movie have we

[33:11] already seen the ghost by this point or no

[33:13] okay so that's when they contact the ghost

[33:15] they find out the ghost is there's two ghosts there's a girl who's had her mouth sewn shut

[33:20] and there's

[33:21] an older woman who is presumably the ghost's ghostly mother no it's it's not

[33:26] presumably they tell it's told through the Ouija board that the mother is spelled out

[33:30] yeah they spell it out and then everyone's like

[33:33] m-o-t-h-e-r mother yeah it's like get out of here and they're like

[33:37] why

[33:39] is there a gas leak she's coming and then they're like

[33:42] who and it's like mother it's like you should have just left when they said get out of here

[33:46] i wish that instead that they were like

[33:47] let's name women until the Ouija board tells us we've got the right one who's coming is

[33:52] it nia peeples no is it jada pinkett smith no no it's not

[33:57] mariska hargitay is it the late georgia o'keefe no it is not

[34:02] all right uh oh come on chelsea gabberace no hillary clinton no dina menzel

[34:08] is it the kid from beasts of the southern wild i don't remember her full name

[34:13] frida carlo i sort of alighted the uh the word a little bit i guess so uh so anyway

[34:22] so yeah they know that there's a ghost with an evil mother and the teens get start getting

[34:27] picked off one by one uh just in dumb ways and each time they've clearly opened a door

[34:32] to something they can't control yeah exactly it's a regular hellraiser wish master type

[34:36] situation if only if only it was any of those three things he said

[34:43] even the gate yeah okay the gate and gate two sure fuck that what about house speaking of

[34:48] canadian i totally watch house over this movie and house two the second story john ratzenberger

[34:58] that's it i mean that i mean house two the second story that is one of the best

[35:02] subtitles for nothing nothing scarier it's not a bungalow it's not a ranch house

[35:11] that's what it means i thought it was just saying it's the second story in the series so

[35:15] many yeah meanings to this so many levels you're gonna say right like levels in a house

[35:20] i wish i wish i had that would have been so good uh and i'll

[35:28] cue beer opening so the kids are getting killed one after another they decide they're

[35:31] going to investigate uh they do some very not thorough archive skimming and they find that in

[35:38] the house you find a bunch of super fake looking uh old newspapers they find a bunch of photoshopped

[35:43] newspapers like you would get at a carnival that would say like world's greatest lover most

[35:47] terrifying bandits captured there's a picture of you with a bandana in front of your face

[35:54] and uh holding up for some reason a penny from that year to prove you're a time traveler or

[35:59] something there's so much backstory for your carnival photo

[36:06] now uh they and they find out that the house had there was a mother and two daughters there

[36:11] one of the daughters daughters went missing the mother was suspected in the disappearance

[36:15] but no charges were pressed and the other daughter killed the mother and was thrown

[36:19] in an insane asylum and that was 40 years 50 years earlier 60 years earlier question mark i wasn't

[36:24] quite sure what time period was supposed to be happening in uh that i know from one of the uh

[36:29] that from one of the other articles on the fake newspaper that candidates were picked earlier than

[36:34] usual if it didn't say the uh the headline was not much clearer than that anyway lane decides it's

[36:40] time to do a little detective work she goes to the crazy people home for the criminally crazy bones

[36:46] and she finds the sister bump bump bump who functions as an exposition dump and she says

[36:53] and doesn't seem crazy at all by the way she's well totally normal or so we think super cogent

[37:00] at least like she's like oh hey you're coming to visit oh do you want a bunch of information

[37:05] on how to deal with this fucking ghost let me tell you about like how i grew up it was you know

[37:09] it wasn't easy looking back now i understand how hard it was for a single mom taking care of two

[37:18] rowdy kids but you know at the time how can you know you just don't understand

[37:23] you know what i better call my mom do you have a ouija board on

[37:27] no anyway yes i know about ghosts and uh and she says that oh well my sister became my sister my

[37:37] mother got into seances my sister became a medium and the demons started talking through all the

[37:42] time and she couldn't stop talking and babbling their evil spirit stuff so our mother sewed her

[37:46] lips shut and then killed her i guess yeah something like that and uh and so i killed my

[37:50] mother in revenge and now i'm here eating jello every day and i get to sit around in my pajamas

[37:56] in a wheelchair this is the life and he just starts singing what he weird weird al yankovic

[38:02] songs anyway and then she's like bring me another jello and the nurse is like you're cut off

[38:08] i'm going to say leave the bottle

[38:16] i guess like sleeves of gelatin i'm glad you guys overlooked that i was about to say

[38:21] woody al yankovic before but i do want the listeners to write in what they think a woody

[38:27] alan we got yankovic mashup song i mean it would basically be johnny dangerously right

[38:31] uh i guess the song you mean yeah well that this is the life is from johnny dangerously yeah yeah

[38:37] that's true but it's not like woody allen has a real connection he's not in johnny dangerously

[38:41] no he doesn't play johnny or dangerously so wait oh i guess that no that was joe piscopo

[38:48] it's a common mistake a lot of people make it very similar okay so basically

[38:53] so the lady is like you got open you've got to release like my mom's the evil one

[38:57] but my sister is not and so you've got to free my sister by cutting the strings on her lips

[39:03] and she can stop my mom because the mom left the body in the house it turns out the number two rule

[39:09] of using a ouija board never do it in the graveyard uh-oh because there was a corpse

[39:14] in the house that counts as a graveyard yep the referee allows it people died all over the damn

[39:20] place i mean if we're gonna do it that way like well no i don't think it's probably like caveman

[39:24] bones under his right now every place is a great i think it's the presence of a of a of the body

[39:29] not the fact that someone died there all right i know we live in a in a non-stop abattoir

[39:34] that is this planet earth yeah oh that's true but uh but uh i think it's just because the

[39:41] body was there at most and you don't know this but whenever a non-stop arboretum

[39:50] one comes out of the other you know no nope not at all one person decays and then a tree

[39:56] springs up grows up especially here

[40:00] Yeah, in Brooklyn.

[40:01] Yeah, where that tree grew.

[40:03] It's name, Tremor.

[40:06] The tree king of Brooklyn.

[40:07] Suddenly Tremor.

[40:10] I wish that now that HBO, when they were selling Treme,

[40:13] had that, suddenly Treme.

[40:18] Anyway, she goes, OK, we got to go cut the threads

[40:21] on this corpse's mouth.

[40:24] Let's do this thing.

[40:25] And her friends are like, shit, let's do it.

[40:27] They're like, we got no other choice.

[40:28] This ghost is stalking the crap out of us.

[40:31] They go and they go to the-

[40:33] They're like, no, but it's TGIF.

[40:37] You don't want to watch it step by step.

[40:39] Yep, it's TGIF.

[40:39] Mussy TV over here.

[40:40] And Perfect Strangers, the later seasons.

[40:42] You know, when they were living with their wives in that house?

[40:46] But she was like, no, sorry.

[40:48] You're going to have to TiVo it.

[40:51] There's no time.

[40:52] No, sorry, it's not the 90s.

[40:55] Can't do that anymore.

[40:57] You can't do that on television.

[40:59] Anymore.

[41:00] We wanted to go down to the Museum of Television and Radio

[41:02] and recreate a TGIF lineup of One Friday Night.

[41:06] Have you ever done that?

[41:07] We were going to go to the-

[41:08] No, but that'd be pretty fun.

[41:09] They were going to reunite the cast of everything.

[41:11] We were going to use them.

[41:13] They were going to reunite the cast of every show,

[41:15] all the way back to Captain Video and Playhouse 90,

[41:19] through to the hits of today.

[41:22] Has Ugly Betty ever met Make Room for Daddy?

[41:25] Now they will.

[41:28] It's the biggest television panel in history.

[41:30] What about My Two Dads and My Three Sons?

[41:33] There's five of them right there on stage.

[41:35] All of them.

[41:38] Gilligan's Island and Fantasy Island?

[41:39] Yep.

[41:40] I Love Lucy and I Love the 80s.

[41:43] They're right there.

[41:47] What do I think?

[41:48] Twilight Zone and the new Twilight Zone?

[41:51] On one stage?

[41:54] And the cast of Sisters.

[41:57] Yep.

[41:58] All it goes without saying.

[42:00] Yeah.

[42:11] Dan, I like watching Dan laugh at this one.

[42:13] What?

[42:24] Is it starting up again, for real?

[42:27] Part of it is that it's genuinely funny.

[42:30] And part of it is that it's like the perfect Hallie joke.

[42:34] It's true.

[42:36] I just imagine Hallie, you writing Daily Show scripts

[42:39] every day.

[42:39] And you're like, why aren't my jokes about the show

[42:41] Sisters getting on the air?

[42:43] You don't have to imagine that, because it's happening.

[42:47] Maybe my empty nest material will make it on.

[42:50] I've definitely written jokes about both of those shows.

[42:54] And I have even less hope now with Trevor.

[42:58] Recently, Hallie and I were both talking

[43:00] about how we both watched the show Dear John.

[43:03] OK.

[43:04] And about how we were like, as a child,

[43:07] what do we see in this show where

[43:09] it's about Judd Hirsch dealing with his divorce

[43:12] in a support group?

[43:16] I mean, it's a chilling vision of your future, I guess.

[43:19] I don't know.

[43:20] All right.

[43:20] Thank you.

[43:22] Oh, right, because of that thing.

[43:23] Sorry.

[43:23] Anyway, so I just meant that in a general sense.

[43:27] Sure, yeah.

[43:28] Yeah, that you look like Judd Hirsch.

[43:31] You should be flattered.

[43:32] And you got him tons of letters.

[43:34] He was in Independence Day.

[43:36] Yeah, sure.

[43:38] I'll take being Judd Hirsch.

[43:40] For $100, Alex?

[43:41] He's got a great career.

[43:43] The star who appeared in Taxi.

[43:45] And who is Judd Hirsch?

[43:47] We really should have made this category harder.

[43:51] Being Judd Hirsch is a Charlie Kaufman movie.

[43:55] We should, like, they're dying to know what happened next.

[43:58] OK, so they find a secret compartment

[44:02] room in the basement.

[44:03] Inside is the daughter's corpse.

[44:05] The daughter's ghost appears.

[44:07] Well, it's got a couple of blue gems on her eyes.

[44:09] Yeah, all sorts of spooky stuff.

[44:10] It's set up like a seance.

[44:11] Or as, with a chalkboard with writing on it,

[44:13] or as Stuart said, it was, what was it, the menu at a hipster?

[44:16] Like a menu at a hipster restaurant.

[44:19] The friends are getting knocked about the place by,

[44:21] I assume, the mom's ghost.

[44:23] And Lane is taking a seat.

[44:24] Ghost mom.

[44:25] Yeah, the sequel to Ghost Dad.

[44:27] Surprised that movie generated a sequel at this point.

[44:30] Yeah, well, it's in production now.

[44:32] Somebody in Hollywood just heard that Bill Cosby was in the news.

[44:35] They didn't read the story.

[44:36] They're like, get me Leonard Part 7.

[44:38] Get me Ghost Mom.

[44:40] Get me, did he make any other movies?

[44:42] Oh, he made Uptown Saturday Night.

[44:43] Oh, that's true.

[44:44] He made all those movies in the 70s.

[44:46] Yeah, Mother Jugs and Speed.

[44:49] Yeah.

[44:50] Let's Do It Again was about him assaulting women.

[44:54] Yeah, yeah.

[44:54] Speed, and Keanu Reeves.

[44:56] And again.

[44:57] OK.

[44:57] But he was really young when Mother Jugs and Speed was made.

[45:00] So it was Raquel Welch, Bill Cosby, and baby Keanu Reeves.

[45:05] Part of Jim Henson's Keanu Reeves babies.

[45:06] Lil' Keanu.

[45:08] Lil' Ke.

[45:09] So they managed to stop the, they managed to do it.

[45:13] She cuts the threads on the corpse.

[45:15] The girl ghost is allowed to scream.

[45:18] And she screams the mom ghost into dust.

[45:20] Case closed.

[45:22] But there's still like 20 minutes left in this movie.

[45:24] Is this going to pull a ring?

[45:26] Yeah, everyone made the same guess of like, oh, they're

[45:30] going to pull a ring on us.

[45:31] Yeah.

[45:32] Pulling a ring on somebody means that you

[45:34] think you helped the right ghost,

[45:35] but it turns out you helped the wrong ghost.

[45:37] I thought it meant someone was going to propose to me.

[45:40] So the 20 minutes, the last 20 minutes of the movie

[45:43] were very different from me.

[45:44] Yeah, it was just darting her eyes around the room

[45:46] wondering which of us was going to pop the question.

[45:48] Like, nervously being like, which one of these people

[45:50] do I have to turn down?

[45:51] Oh, I thought, so who will I spend the rest of my life with?

[45:54] Because one of those things where you like,

[45:56] threw a bunch of letters up in the air

[45:57] to see what the initials of your future husband would be.

[46:00] Sure.

[46:01] She was looking at herself in a compact.

[46:03] Oh, you used a Ouija board to figure out the secret.

[46:05] OK.

[46:05] It's probably a mistake.

[46:06] Q-X-I.

[46:08] My husband's name will be, yes.

[46:12] My husband's name will be Parker Brother.

[46:16] I'm going to marry one of the Parker brothers,

[46:18] or both of them.

[46:20] The future is very liberal.

[46:22] So it turns out she goes back.

[46:24] So Debbie's ex-boyfriend, he gets killed.

[46:27] Same way, eyes cloud over.

[46:29] And what was his death all about?

[46:33] He goes into his room, and she's like, chilling

[46:36] next to his computer.

[46:37] And he's like, Debbie?

[46:39] But you're daddy.

[46:42] That would have been great.

[46:43] Debbie turns into evil girl ghost,

[46:45] and she screams him into dust.

[46:47] And his lips get all sewn up.

[46:49] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[46:49] She doesn't scream him into dust.

[46:50] That comes later.

[46:52] His eyes cloud over, and he gets his lips all sewn up,

[46:54] and he gets zombified.

[46:55] We're taking four fucking hours.

[46:57] So is there a way to just skip to the very end of this?

[46:59] So Lane goes to the crazy house.

[47:01] She says, you set me up.

[47:03] We helped her, and we helped the wrong ghost.

[47:05] And she was like, now she'll do things for me.

[47:09] And so they have to go.

[47:11] She finds out from her abuela that you

[47:14] have to destroy the Ouija board and the corpse.

[47:18] We did forget that.

[47:19] Yeah, that she has a Ouija board in her room,

[47:21] and her vaguely ethnic grandmother finds it.

[47:24] Is that her grandmother?

[47:25] I thought it was her cleaning lady.

[47:28] The only time we see her, she's picking up

[47:30] the laundry on a suitcase.

[47:32] That's the reason why I thought.

[47:33] But also, Elliot was like, is there

[47:35] going to be a vaguely ethnic housekeeper that

[47:40] tells her, Jew should not be dealing with these things.

[47:43] And then immediately, that's what she said.

[47:46] So she only appears twice in the movie.

[47:49] Once to say, don't play with Ouija boards,

[47:51] because being an immigrant, I have a connection

[47:53] to mystical things.

[47:55] And the second time to say, oh, well,

[47:57] you need to destroy the Ouija board and the corpse.

[47:59] And it's like, why didn't you talk to her earlier about this?

[48:02] And then the third time to say, housekeeping?

[48:05] Hallie.

[48:05] Just kidding.

[48:06] Sure.

[48:08] I was saying because they marginalized her,

[48:11] and it was sick in the movie.

[48:14] And I just wanted to heighten that to shame them.

[48:17] Thank you.

[48:18] I think the ladies know what she's talking about.

[48:20] Yeah, right?

[48:21] I think las niñas, I guess that's girls, not ladies.

[48:25] Las chicas saben de que yo hablo.

[48:29] Bueno.

[48:31] Now, so they go back to the séance dungeon.

[48:34] The ghost is tossing everybody around, throwing them up and down.

[48:38] And the ghost is attacking Lane's sister, who we haven't even

[48:44] touched on, but she's like the weakest badass punk kid

[48:47] that there ever was.

[48:48] Lane starts using a Ouija board to draw the ghost over.

[48:50] She's like, DZ, which is the name of the ghost.

[48:53] I'm playing by myself.

[48:55] You have to join me, which was not a rule that was ever mentioned.

[48:58] But the ghost comes over and joins her and starts twisting her arm around

[49:02] until it's almost backwards.

[49:03] It looks like things are bad for the teens until her eyes start to cloud over

[49:08] until, dun-dun, a third hand touches the planchette.

[49:11] It's Debbie's ghost.

[49:12] She's come back to help them.

[49:14] And apparently it's something that could have happened at any time.

[49:17] Yeah, Debbie was really waiting for the right moment to come in.

[49:20] Yeah, after all of her friends got killed.

[49:22] And while Debbie's ghost is-

[49:23] She likes the drama.

[49:26] Well, she was in this dinner.

[49:27] She was watching Debbie all over.

[49:28] Watching Debbie.

[49:29] Save the drama for your mama, who you screamed into dust.

[49:32] Anyway, so while she's struggling with the ghost,

[49:35] her sister just kind of casually walks in with a corpse in her arms

[49:38] and tosses it into a furnace.

[49:40] She's like, get rid of this.

[49:42] A lot of junk.

[49:43] Spring cleaning.

[49:45] What was I kidding?

[49:45] I'm never going to look at this corpse again.

[49:47] Toss it away.

[49:48] Why did I hold on to this?

[49:49] You know what they say, you put everything in front of you, touch it,

[49:52] and if it doesn't bring you joy, you get rid of it.

[49:53] I was going to say, if my dad and I-

[49:54] This corpse is not bringing me any joy.

[49:57] If my dad and I this weekend were going through some of his father's old papers-

[50:00] That he had been keeping and we went through and it was like receipts for shirts and things like that

[50:05] It was the dumbest stuff and my dad was like, I can't believe I'm carrying this around for 40 years

[50:10] These old checks that he wrote to the power company in

[50:13] 1972 but we went through those with more excitement than this woman went this within this girl had with

[50:20] Corpses

[50:22] To stop a ghost attack. They throw the Ouija board in and the girl ghost is like

[50:28] For this and disappears

[50:30] once again dissolves into dust leaves nothing but a shadow on the wall and

[50:35] Everything is okay. Where is it? Or is it?

[50:41] because

[50:42] She gets home Lane does right?

[50:45] Yes, and there's like a Ouija board there. No, just the planchette

[50:49] Oh just the planchette hanging out and she holds it up to her eye and before we can see if her eye clouds over and

[50:54] She sees any ghosts cut to the crash

[51:09] You might as well Ouija Ouija

[51:17] Life in the fast Ouija

[51:20] Run in on

[51:23] Lane in the movie and you swap that lane for Ouija

[51:27] Good point. Anyway, so the reflect on that for a minute the movie leaves us on a very weak cliffhanger as we

[51:33] Go in we wait for me to because this movie was a huge hit

[51:37] It also went through substantial rewrites, right?

[51:40] Reshoots reshoots Wow, according to Wikipedia. They reshot like half the movie

[51:45] No, ma'am, but they must have left all that gold on the cutting room floor

[51:48] Yeah, I'm dying for the unedited version released apparently none of the more

[51:55] I have it where they morphed the two versions of the movie together

[51:59] They should have it like a man. Yeah, I was gonna say the anchorman the shitty anchorman movie

[52:05] They put out with all the extra footage Wow

[52:10] It was not meant to be seen by anyone that's why they cut all that stuff none of the anchorman are listening

[52:18] Well, I know I actually I mean, I hope they are so they can recommend this great podcast to their friends

[52:23] I'm sorry, Paul Rudd. So you're a national treasure the other members of anchorman's cast. Not sorry. You hear that Christina Applegate?

[52:32] Techner and that animated what bear or whatever that they ride at that one point. What is it?

[52:39] Yep, you said the animated bear from a different movie

[52:46] Extra

[52:49] Movies where there's just like a

[52:51] There's a CGI teddy bear in the background because Ted had to work his way up to the ranks

[52:56] I forgot that it was like Seth MacFarlane gag. I forgot that Ted had a recurring part on on step-by-step

[53:04] I think that quite possibly Ted could be Teddy Ruxpin Teddy Ruxpin is the child star and

[53:11] He turned into Ted. Okay. Wait, have you seen the movie Ted?

[53:19] So Dan how what's our final judgments on was this movie totally scarifying

[53:24] totally snoreifying or frighteningly funny

[53:28] Stewart let's make all these quick man. This shit was super scarifying so many jump scares and there was a ring twister Rooney

[53:36] Thumbs up or down. I don't know what scarifying means

[53:42] I thought this movie sucked. I

[53:45] I have appreciated other movies. I definitely

[53:52] Think I hate all movies I've appreciated other movies

[53:55] No, but it was like nobody had any like, you know, like at least develop the characters

[54:00] I mean what makes Lane tick? I don't know besides ghosts

[54:05] We didn't even mention the fact that she finds a flash drive

[54:09] Inside that penguin keychain and there's just video of it in on it of her friend finding the Ouija board and then using it for

[54:15] The first time like this is a lazy movie. Yeah, it's snore fine. That's all I'm saying. It's a very it's like a

[54:23] Lazy-bland generic movie. Yeah

[54:30] We're Dave and Graham and we host stop podcasting yourself

[54:33] We started this podcast back in 2008 before podcast had to have any kind of concept

[54:39] So we don't really know how to describe it

[54:41] It's kind of like going to the barbershop if your barber knew all about the first season of the show elf

[54:48] It's like a 90-minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person

[54:53] It's like the monsters of metal tour only quieter. No music and just talking

[54:59] It's like a makeout session, but without the lips touching

[55:02] They just talk a lot download stop podcasting yourself from iTunes or maximum fun org

[55:11] What's the next thing we do it's letters from listeners from listeners

[55:26] We got those letters

[55:29] Letter night, we'll read a bunch of letters for shot over and it's scary times letters

[55:37] Letters stuff you wrote a man. We read a man then you listen to it

[55:45] From out of the mailbox come the words letters

[55:53] Out of the mailbox

[55:55] No

[55:57] No, I see what you're trying to do with it Vincent Price, it's me Vincent Price better but still not great

[56:04] I'm not Dan McCoy anymore. I'm Vincent price. No, no, it's do what I'm sort of Vincent price mixed with Orson Welles

[56:12] Orson Welles

[56:14] There's a there's a there's a there's a farm. I know of where the peas grow

[56:19] It's like it's like helium Orson Welles. Yeah, so Orson

[56:23] Well

[56:28] The French champagne

[56:31] Has always been done for its excellence. So well, thanks to that

[56:35] No one's gonna get to hear the rest of my letters spoken word section

[56:38] But rest assured it ended with this with the power of the letter

[56:42] The

[56:49] Scariest thing when I was a kid I had ever seen was Michael not the zombies was Michael Jackson turning around with those cat sighs

[57:07] So there are some

[57:09] There's some gifts from listeners that I'm first let's pronounce gifs

[57:16] I don't want to gift hand out. I want to gift hand up. I want so I want to thank the people for these gifts

[57:24] unfortunately, I

[57:26] Lost the letter that went along with this first thing Wow

[57:29] Cuz jerked off on it so much

[57:39] He lost it

[57:44] The money's on the table letter

[57:47] So this is a plan to slam the door too hard on your way out

[57:50] So it's this is the ps4 game of all and it was a gift from one of the people who worked on it

[57:56] I'm really sorry that I lost that's really cool though, but they all the team who worked on it signed it

[58:02] Oh

[58:11] Once is Matt a one looks like a maybe a B. There's a B in there

[58:18] Learning his cars

[58:22] What does mrs. Not dad

[58:25] Lars this is not dead. It's probably miss not dad. It looks kind of like not that's

[58:34] Dan Dan, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so thank you. This is busy teaching Dan how to read segment

[58:43] Okay, I'm gonna play this game, thank you game based on the movie over which involves a ghost

[58:49] Thank you for that. I

[58:52] want to thank

[58:54] I got a gift for my so I didn't get it for myself. It was given to me dear Dan. You're my favorite. Love Dan

[59:01] I bought this off your wish

[59:03] Yeah, I'd like to thank you personally in the podcast Dan I had a hunch you wanted this cuz I'm you

[59:09] It's from

[59:11] It's from Amy Pascal who wrote it. Oh cool. It's a it's a biography of Joss Whedon

[59:19] So Joe Sweden, no, it's what I say after I tell a joke, I'm like just Whedon

[59:26] Hey guys, I'm just waiting just waiting with you. Thank you so much to Amy for the gift

[59:31] I will read it in good health and excitement. That means the bathroom and

[59:41] This is not specifically for anyone but I think it's gonna go to Elliot because cuz I am currently gift list right now

[59:46] gift list

[59:48] This is

[59:52] This is from Andy

[59:56] This is from Andy Chewy, it's called grateful

[1:00:00] directors A to Z and it has illustrations of film directors along with brief

[1:00:06] biographies of them but the the meat of it is these lovely illustrations of all

[1:00:11] these film directors. Awesome. You should look up Ingmar Bergman. I bet it's just a huge pair of tits.

[1:00:18] I guarantee you it is not. I think you're thinking of something like a

[1:00:23] Bill Pullman Bill Paxson situation where Bill Paxson is really into chicks with

[1:00:28] You guys are gonna be so shamed. It is true that we will not be. Okay even if we're

[1:00:35] wrong we won't be shamed. I mean you should be cuz like you are embarrassing

[1:00:40] yourself. I mean Dan's been working out he looks pretty great. Thanks. I saw Dan actually do a

[1:00:47] pull-up today and I was impressed. Yeah. It was like oh yeah you're a man. Yeah it often gets

[1:00:56] forgotten by many people. That oh yeah you're a man. Yeah. Thanks Andy. That's great. We love a

[1:01:08] shambling mound. Yeah we love getting gifts. Thank you so much for these. Yeah.

[1:01:13] Thanks everybody. Send us more gifts or don't. Just listen. Thank you for giving every single one of

[1:01:18] us a gift. Everybody in this room. I've actually received a couple movies. It's too bad that Hallie

[1:01:23] died or else we'd give her a gift. I've received a couple movies as gifts that I haven't had a chance to watch yet so I feel bad.

[1:01:28] I'm still alive. Somehow her mouth got sewn up or no that's what I wished happened so she'd be quiet.

[1:01:34] You said that like you were upset and also a little intrigued. I never. So this first letter is from Jeff

[1:01:50] Lastname Withheld who writes, while eating breakfast alone this morning but not for any sad

[1:01:54] reasons I happened to overhear some people at the table next to mine talking about movies.

[1:01:59] Talking about ordering the pancake with the works. After a lady recommended that her companion see

[1:02:04] the excellent new Pixar film Inside Out, a gentleman at the table semi-dismissed it as a

[1:02:09] kids movie and instead recommended that his friends check out the hilarious movie for adults

[1:02:13] he'd just seen, Last Vegas. He loved all the zany antics that quote Mike Douglas and company got up

[1:02:20] to. But he especially liked the part where the main characters deny 50 cent entry to their party

[1:02:25] which seemed to have filled him with a level of joy that only makes sense if he had a personal

[1:02:29] grudge against 50 Cent. He might be the guy who shot 50 Cent. Racist. Anyway it got me thinking.

[1:02:33] He then completed his breakfast of I'm guessing diarrhea and other stupid shit.

[1:02:38] If you don't want to eat that food, have some poop. Have any of you ever encountered someone

[1:02:44] who really loves a really terrible movie? I don't mean the thing where a certain flopper

[1:02:49] keeps recommending a movie that isn't very good over and over again. Double asterisk.

[1:02:55] But more a 10,000 BC or Oogie Love level bad movie. A movie so bad you can't fathom someone

[1:03:02] actually enjoying it. What do you do in that situation? R-U-C-K in the USA. Jeff,

[1:03:07] last name withheld. Oh, twist ending. Asterisk. Elliot, The Devil and Daniel Webster.

[1:03:13] Whoa, whoa, that's a great movie. I've only recommended it like twice I think.

[1:03:18] Sorry, I'm distracted by the adorableness that is Halle trying to open a beer.

[1:03:25] Yeah, it's like a mouse in a Disney cartoon trying to open a human sized bottle.

[1:03:29] It's like a squirrel trying to break an acorn open.

[1:03:35] It's like one of those Mary Melodies cartoons that just take place in a world where objects

[1:03:42] come to life at night. So I've encountered this situation. I'm an object to you.

[1:03:48] Whoa. Just kidding. This happened to me kind of recently. I had a barback who worked for me who

[1:03:56] could not stop talking about his favorite movie, a movie called Boondock Saints. And every time he

[1:04:04] started talking about Boondock Saints, I'm like, this is gonna affect your tip out buddy. And then

[1:04:09] he would try and find internet proof that Boondock Saints rules. He was never able to.

[1:04:14] Yeah, the movie's drool. Yep. So the way I dealt with it is by making fun of him.

[1:04:20] He called up Lucas Talking. I'm the one who told him he does drool, yeah.

[1:04:23] Yeah. Turner and Hooch. There's a lot of drool in that. Very drooly, yeah.

[1:04:30] So Stuart, you were saying in the story? I don't know. I just fucked with this guy a bunch.

[1:04:35] I sent him text messages of movie reviews, Rotten Tomatoes scores, etc.

[1:04:39] I think if you're having fun with it, that's one thing. But on a serious level,

[1:04:43] all you can do is say, hey buddy, I didn't like that movie, but you like it. That's okay.

[1:04:48] We don't all have to do the same things. Wow. Live and let live from Killer Kalen.

[1:04:52] What I've realized is that I am a strange man with a lot of strange opinions about things.

[1:04:56] And if I'm gonna ask people not to judge me by them, I can't judge other people by them. Or I

[1:05:01] can judge them silently. In my head, I can be like, if this person ever recommends a movie to

[1:05:04] me, I'm not gonna watch it. The way that my mom will be like, here's a movie you'll like,

[1:05:08] and she'll recommend a movie I won't like. It's a movie that she likes.

[1:05:11] Yeah. You know what? I just say,

[1:05:14] oh, I'll see that sometime, and then I don't. I want to introduce you to a little maneuver

[1:05:18] called the smile and nod. The old S-A-N.

[1:05:23] I can't believe you've been doing that to me the whole time, Dan. Oops. That's out of the bag.

[1:05:30] Turns out Dan doesn't even like porn. He was just smiling and nodding whenever Stuart mentioned it.

[1:05:34] You gotta see this thing. It's amazing. There's a naked lady in it, and she totally does it.

[1:05:38] Yeah. Sure. Sure. Makes your penis real big. Whatever.

[1:05:44] You sound like you're delivering the moral to a bully in a sitcom.

[1:05:47] Yeah. Bet it made your penis real big. Now you don't have any friends. Was it worth it?

[1:05:56] Feels good, doesn't it? Having a temporarily bigger penis.

[1:05:59] Maybe you should learn for your heart to ejaculate.

[1:06:06] You forgot it's more important to have a boner in your courage.

[1:06:14] So, Hallie, how do you deal with people when they don't like movies that are good?

[1:06:19] Or when they like movies that are bad? I usually think that I'm wrong.

[1:06:22] That's another valid way of going about it. Lean in, Hallie.

[1:06:30] Sadly, the ladies know what I'm talking about.

[1:06:36] So this next letter goes like this. Dear Radio Zork, I vote to stare at the door intently

[1:06:41] while studying its material composition and assessing the quality of its craftsmanship.

[1:06:47] Greg, last name withheld.

[1:06:49] That's a pretty good response.

[1:06:50] Why do they always hold their last names? What are they afraid of?

[1:06:54] Criminal prosecution. It's against the law to write letters to us.

[1:07:02] So, Elliot, what happens with that response?

[1:07:04] So he looked at the door. You see that the door is made of wood or possibly metal.

[1:07:10] Do you A, continue to look at the door, B, look harder at the door, C,

[1:07:16] reach out and touch the door, or E, I skipped D, E, look for D.

[1:07:25] Send in your choice to Radio Zork, care of Murphy Brown, FYI Productions, New York, New York,

[1:07:32] 1-00-449-678-235-JENNY.

[1:07:36] Sponsored by Sweet Delicious Penises, if I recall.

[1:07:39] Oh, that's right. I forgot Radio Zork was sponsored by Sweet Delicious Penises.

[1:07:46] Hallie just gave a confused, but not angry, but confused look.

[1:07:52] I was trying to imagine the Sweet Delicious Penises.

[1:07:55] Like, such a thing does not exist.

[1:07:57] Well, they're available as long as, uh, wait.

[1:08:00] I mean, if you cover one with caramel, but it's going to be hell to clean off.

[1:08:03] Oh, boy.

[1:08:06] It's going to be sticking to the drawers.

[1:08:10] The bottom drawer, the top drawer, sock drawer, all those drawerss.

[1:08:14] All the drawers that you keep your penis in.

[1:08:17] Yeah, you got to change it up every night, or else the fucking munchkins are going to grab it.

[1:08:22] Take it off to their fucking little edgier lair.

[1:08:26] Cobble their penis sheath for you.

[1:08:30] Well, that's not a bad thing. You want a penis sheath.

[1:08:32] I feel like that's a comedy essay that for some reason was never written about.

[1:08:36] An old cobbler who couldn't, his store was about to go out of business,

[1:08:39] and he couldn't, didn't know what to do, and then one day he woke up in the night,

[1:08:43] and an elf was just, like, jerking him off.

[1:08:46] It's like, this isn't going to pay him off in the store.

[1:08:49] I appreciate it, but it's not.

[1:08:51] I better write that story and send it to Penthouse Comics when they still publish those.

[1:08:57] I'm not complaining, but...

[1:08:59] Are they still going to put naked ladies in Penthouse?

[1:09:01] I have to assume they're going to up the naked lady quotient.

[1:09:03] Yeah, they're going to double it.

[1:09:04] What about, uh, what about Playgirl?

[1:09:06] Is that still going to be wall-to-wall penises?

[1:09:08] I assume so.

[1:09:09] I mean, I don't know all of their business decisions.

[1:09:12] I assume so, I don't know.

[1:09:14] I've never, I don't know.

[1:09:17] She just totally did a Dan impression.

[1:09:20] If they took all the naked ladies at a Playboy and they just put them in Playgirl,

[1:09:23] and the purchase of Playgirl, we're like, what the hell is this?

[1:09:27] Look, we had to put them somewhere.

[1:09:29] It's not like you can't take photos of these.

[1:09:31] We'll just shovel them into this other thing.

[1:09:34] Shovel them, like coal into a locomotive.

[1:09:39] Um, so, uh, this goes like this.

[1:09:42] How about a callback to last year's Song of the Autumn?

[1:09:44] Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow.

[1:09:46] Great song.

[1:09:47] I put an mp3 of it on a mix I made for my family's road trip through eastern Canada.

[1:09:52] Weird.

[1:09:53] And it became a favorite of my two little kids, age seven and four.

[1:09:57] That's nice.

[1:09:58] The best part was hearing them sing Stuart.

[1:10:00] line I think I've seen this movie in my dream and because my son's idea of good

[1:10:06] humor is to negate everything he liked to say it starts singing the song

[1:10:10] correctly rocket crocodile in the world of tomorrow but then he would sing it's

[1:10:15] a movie that exists before coming to a dead stop yours are rest of what first

[1:10:21] name withheld s rest of last name withheld

[1:10:26] your fans that they don't want to you've heard this podcast we're a bunch of

[1:10:31] Looney Tunes and knuckleheads I like that young the young man plays with

[1:10:37] expectations in his comedy it reminds me of my own son's big new experiments

[1:10:44] ago he wrote a knock-knock joke that I think you guys are gonna like let's go

[1:10:48] through it knock-knock who's there mommy mommy daddy

[1:10:55] joke that Sammy told me it falls on the heels of his earlier joke about his

[1:11:00] grandparents it feels like this knock-knock who's there's a sure lovey

[1:11:04] Zadie which is his grandma grandpa I like that I like that you know he's

[1:11:11] playing with gender roles in this era of Caitlyn Jenner I feel like now more

[1:11:20] than ever you're not my family member Caitlyn Jenner I can say in all honesty

[1:11:26] that I laughed at that as hard as any joke that you've ever told I guess

[1:11:31] Samuel take the credit for that funny kid that's good good stuff yeah I like

[1:11:37] how kids think it's funny just to say the opposite of a thing yeah mm-hmm

[1:11:40] that's how they learn I guess yeah so very wistful do everything at that

[1:11:52] moment I realized

[1:11:55] children all right let's get back to the letter what a child actor that Fred

[1:12:08] Savage and adult actor does anyone watch that show I heard it was the grinder

[1:12:13] but on a podcast you use grinder if you know of a better way for me to have my

[1:12:24] homosexual assignation or be it for me to question your methods they seem to

[1:12:29] be working great this is from Sarah last name Carl I'm sorry Carl the guy that

[1:12:35] Dan Carl's jr. is the hamburger fortune owner last name is Richard Carl's jr.

[1:12:44] this full name that's Richard Carl jr. Dan Sarah last name withheld writes dear

[1:12:50] Elliot hey because of your nerdy charm and nasal wit I've fallen in love with

[1:12:56] guys like you I recently met a guy exactly like you even down to the

[1:13:00] catchphrase repeating shouts in the creative writing club at my college my

[1:13:05] question is I would do am I attracted to him because of him or do I only like him

[1:13:10] because he reminds me of you and thus the flop house should I show him his

[1:13:14] podcast doppelganger sincerely Sarah last name though I would say why

[1:13:18] question what the motivation of love is instead if he's anything like me he's

[1:13:23] not used to having girls go after him so go after him give him a thrill maybe

[1:13:28] maybe you'll find out you really like him for him and not because just because

[1:13:32] he's a pale simulacrum of your heartthrob me but maybe don't play this

[1:13:37] for him this episode in particular like maybe play a different episode for him

[1:13:42] if you really want to but he may be like yeah when you introduce that me and then

[1:13:45] he'll become obsessed with tracking down his other half and then he'll try

[1:13:49] to take over my life like the dark half exactly or like single white female

[1:13:54] stiletto in your eyes so he gets your power and then you can be devil Elliot

[1:13:58] jokes on him the power is not in my heart now so when you start to tell you

[1:14:04] let me start slowly getting into this podcast you probably don't want to hear

[1:14:07] this episode so he's just when it comes on be like there's something wrong with

[1:14:13] this episode technical difficulties yeah or just like start kissing him and

[1:14:17] he'll he'll be like he'll throw his iPod in the garbage it could be done nuts

[1:14:23] has she gone for him I mean this is there's no why are you are you examining

[1:14:28] the letter for additional information I printed out this from an email there's

[1:14:33] no computer in hand is it like she has a crush on him and she hasn't expressed

[1:14:41] her feelings to more she's like dating him and she hasn't expressed that she's

[1:14:45] I mean into him because he reminds her of you isn't that great literature that

[1:14:51] it makes us ask questions you know yes is the next letter from the same person

[1:14:57] that has a continuation of the story lines I totally bone down okay with the

[1:15:05] pale shadow of a Lea Elliot Elliot Elliot it reminds me of when I used to

[1:15:09] write a newspaper column in New York foliate and a woman fakely it Elliot

[1:15:14] fake alien and they and this woman wrote on her blog about how she had a crush on

[1:15:19] me and I was just a girl that was into bondage and stuff she was super into

[1:15:24] bondage and she had like corset piercings on her back which are wrote

[1:15:28] two rows of piercings that you can string ribbon between the two so it

[1:15:31] looks like her body is a corset that sounds perfect all these pictures were

[1:15:35] holding big guns and it was like man if I was a different person I would be

[1:15:40] tracking this woman down and I'd have a ton of crazy stories to tell if I lived

[1:15:44] to tell them but instead I didn't do that mm-hmm

[1:15:47] instead you got nervous and hid somewhere yeah for years yeah so then

[1:15:53] yelled coached you out of your little mouse hole yeah he's a Lincoln

[1:15:58] biography piece of it yes yeah right right it's back there and let us know

[1:16:04] what happened with this burgeoning romance but less and thanks for writing

[1:16:07] in last letter hey there peaches listening to your recent episode about

[1:16:11] deliver us from evil and I was thinking about people playing Satan in films like

[1:16:15] one of my favorites Peter Stormare and the hit 2005 hit Constantine time I

[1:16:20] don't know that that's a hit TV show off of it I was wondering what your favorite

[1:16:25] what's your favorite devil in cinema John last name withheld favorite devil

[1:16:30] and I mean for me it's Walter Houston and the devil in Daniel Webster I feel

[1:16:34] like he straddles the line between a funny devil and a scary devil really

[1:16:38] well yeah and he is he's just so kind of like quiet for a lot of it in a very

[1:16:43] intense way I like that a lot but then he has creepy laughs there's a night on

[1:16:48] Bald Mountain from Fantasia count to see the devil I mean technically he's just a

[1:16:51] demon I think what's his name Malibu or something like that I don't know but uh

[1:16:56] yeah sure go ahead he's super devil he's scary he's huge he's as big as a

[1:16:59] mountain I mean he's the coolest look at one I feel like that's for sure

[1:17:02] now I said the devil and Daniel Webster I just thought of the devil and Daniel

[1:17:08] Johnston and now such a good movie so that's not actually in that way I it's a

[1:17:16] documentary so good yeah so I'm just gonna say what about what about she

[1:17:25] devil oh I actually I actually saw she devil like three times in theater I was

[1:17:32] pretty into she devil and Beegley jr. and Beegley the dog version of everything

[1:17:38] is super big on Capitol Critters I'd probably say there's gonna be a bit of a

[1:17:47] spoiler alert everybody but I would probably say Robert De Niro in wait a

[1:17:55] minute what's that movie with angel where he plays the Lewis cipher get it

[1:18:04] that's devil's advocate yeah although Tim Curry and legend is really good too

[1:18:10] that's probably about the only thing I like about legend yeah Al Pacino and in

[1:18:16] devil's advocate is a good like over-the-top goofy devil wait a minute

[1:18:20] he's over the top in a movie he goes over the top he turns his head around

[1:18:23] backwards competition but there's a lot of good devils in the film

[1:18:29] Viggo Mortensen and the prophecy in fact in interview with a vampire well the

[1:18:39] theme song was like please to meet you

[1:18:44] or a Stewart called it in earlier in last episode please to meet you there's

[1:18:52] whoever plays the devil in a hackson also known as witchcraft through the

[1:18:56] ages silent movie that's really good there's good devil worshippers you know

[1:19:03] sure and Rosemary's baby Tom Noonan in house of the devil yeah that's really

[1:19:08] good or in the devil rides out with Christopher Lee Christopher Lee is not

[1:19:12] the villain mm-hmm but does he play the devil no he just sees actually the hero

[1:19:17] I mean that great film God I don't know where she's going with it well great

[1:19:30] question we all answered anyway so I'm so baffled by how I'm supposed to react

[1:19:43] to that maybe a nod and smile or do you like that's that's one of those times

[1:19:50] we're like it's not a movie it's just like what if someone in me that was

[1:20:00] What if somebody made a movie called God and the Devil,

[1:20:04] and somebody had to play the devil, I think is what she's saying.

[1:20:07] That character would be amazing. That would be her favorite.

[1:20:12] So this is the part...

[1:20:13] Something to think about.

[1:20:15] This is something to think about.

[1:20:17] Sisters.

[1:20:19] This is the part of the show where we recommend...

[1:20:22] We are way over time.

[1:20:24] Where we recommend...

[1:20:26] As quickly as possible.

[1:20:28] We recommend movies that we actually liked.

[1:20:31] Did we ever.

[1:20:32] Instead of the thing that we watched.

[1:20:34] I will go first, because I'm already talking.

[1:20:38] 4th of October.

[1:20:40] This is an interesting movie.

[1:20:41] It's not entirely a horror movie,

[1:20:42] but it definitely becomes very horrifying by the end.

[1:20:47] It's a film called Seconds by John Frankenheimer.

[1:20:52] Frankensteiner.

[1:20:54] Frankenheimer's monster.

[1:20:56] It has the same sort of style that he brought to The Manchurian Candidate.

[1:21:00] It has the same kind of beautiful black and white photography.

[1:21:03] It has the same paranoia.

[1:21:05] It has the same weird sense of humor beneath everything.

[1:21:09] The cinematography is even a little more intense.

[1:21:12] I feel like there's a lot of Terry Gilliam style

[1:21:15] that comes directly from Seconds.

[1:21:18] It's about a service that can provide wealthy middle-aged men

[1:21:24] with basically a second chance at life.

[1:21:26] It fakes their death and then sets them up with plastic surgery

[1:21:32] that takes at least 20 years off of them

[1:21:34] and kind of gives them a new life.

[1:21:37] In a way, it gives them a second time around.

[1:21:41] Step by step.

[1:21:43] Day by day.

[1:21:45] I don't know the rest of how that theme song goes.

[1:21:48] Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers.

[1:21:53] Seconds, John Frankenheimer.

[1:21:55] It's shot by James Wan Howe.

[1:21:57] Dramatically, it covers some of the same ground as Mad Men.

[1:22:01] That kind of finding out that just starting over in a new life

[1:22:07] is not enough to make you happy if the problem is within yourself

[1:22:12] rather than in your external circumstances.

[1:22:15] Instead of it being sort of a humorous drama,

[1:22:18] it's a dramatic paranoid thriller horror film.

[1:22:22] With Rocky Hudson.

[1:22:24] Yeah.

[1:22:25] So that's what I recommend.

[1:22:26] Seconds.

[1:22:28] Anyone else?

[1:22:29] Why not go back for Seconds, says Dan McCoy from The Flop House.

[1:22:33] I'm going to recommend a movie called Creep.

[1:22:37] I was going to recommend Creep.

[1:22:39] This is the second time I've recommended a movie called Creep.

[1:22:42] This time is the...

[1:22:44] Is it that way?

[1:22:45] That's how they say it.

[1:22:46] Creep.

[1:22:47] This one is not the movie about the monster living in the subway.

[1:22:51] Instead, it stars one of them Duplass boys.

[1:22:54] I totally scooped you, dude.

[1:22:57] You probably got a million old timey bullshits.

[1:22:59] I did have another movie I was going to recommend.

[1:23:01] That's convenient.

[1:23:02] So I'm going to recommend the movie Creep.

[1:23:04] It's a shorty.

[1:23:05] It's only like an hour and 15 minutes.

[1:23:08] It's got one of them Duplass boys in it.

[1:23:10] There's only two people in it.

[1:23:12] Yeah, there's only two people.

[1:23:13] Two people on screen and you hear one person over a phone.

[1:23:15] Like True West or something.

[1:23:17] Yeah, kind of.

[1:23:18] It's about a videographer who answers a personal ad to film a guy for one day for $1,000.

[1:23:28] It immediately gets creepy.

[1:23:32] He goes out of his cabin out in the woods.

[1:23:34] He interacts with his subject who is played by Mark Duplass

[1:23:38] who is the best special effect in all of horror movies.

[1:23:42] He is super creepy.

[1:23:44] He explains that he wants this videographer to film him for the day

[1:23:51] because he is dying of brain cancer and he wants his unborn son to get to know his father.

[1:23:56] I love that he goes,

[1:23:57] Have you ever seen that movie My Life?

[1:23:59] Michael Keaton.

[1:24:00] It's a great movie.

[1:24:01] I love that I was like,

[1:24:03] I haven't heard anyone mention My Life in a long time.

[1:24:06] It goes on from there and it ends up being quiet at times and also scary and great.

[1:24:12] It functions really well.

[1:24:14] I thought it was kind of a short story of a horror movie.

[1:24:16] Yes.

[1:24:17] Where sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's creepy.

[1:24:20] It's a found footage movie and I've complained about the format quite a bit.

[1:24:24] But it seems to be very aware of the format

[1:24:27] and actually kind of uses the idea of strange DVDs arriving.

[1:24:32] It's very kind of conscious of it as opposed to like,

[1:24:37] oh, scary stuff is happening and some dude is just filming it.

[1:24:40] There are a few scenes where I was like,

[1:24:42] why do you have the camera?

[1:24:44] Show me a found footage movie that doesn't do that.

[1:24:47] There's a part that played with my expectations a lot that I respected

[1:24:51] where there's a cut and you see something happening and you're like,

[1:24:54] why would he shoot this?

[1:24:56] Then you realize it was shot to make a point to the other character.

[1:24:59] I'm like, oh, you got me movie.

[1:25:02] I thought you'd made a mistake but really you outsmarted me.

[1:25:05] So I was going to recommend Creep 2.

[1:25:07] I'm glad you liked it, Stuart.

[1:25:10] I'll go next.

[1:25:12] You go next.

[1:25:13] You can finish.

[1:25:14] Well, it just means that I'm going to recommend a movie that's not a Shocktober movie.

[1:25:17] You go, Hallie.

[1:25:18] So I don't know if maybe this has been recommended before,

[1:25:22] but have you guys talked about My Best Fiend?

[1:25:25] I don't know if we have talked about it.

[1:25:27] The documentary about Klaus Kinski.

[1:25:29] Yeah, the Klaus Kinski, Werner Herzog movie.

[1:25:32] Yeah, so I saw it like a month ago or something

[1:25:36] and it is so fucking funny.

[1:25:39] I mean, besides the fact that it's super interesting because you learn about Klaus Kinski

[1:25:45] and you learn about all these movies that they made together that are super famous,

[1:25:51] but you also sort of like it's about how nuts Klaus Kinski is,

[1:25:58] but you really get a window into how nuts Werner Herzog also is,

[1:26:04] and it's just like so absurd.

[1:26:07] Like when they're talking about what is the Aguirre?

[1:26:12] Aguirre, the Wrath of God.

[1:26:14] Yeah, when they're talking about filming that

[1:26:16] and like Werner Herzog is telling the story about how he was staying in this place

[1:26:21] and he was like, yeah, and we were staying in this smaller village

[1:26:25] and everyone else was staying in tents

[1:26:28] and I was staying in a home with this woman with nine children

[1:26:33] who was raising 200 guinea pigs

[1:26:36] and it was very uncomfortable because you would wake up in the night

[1:26:41] and you would just have like hundreds of guinea pigs just like swarming over you

[1:26:46] and so I realized I needed to find a different living situation,

[1:26:51] but said in like total humorless description

[1:26:59] and their relationship is super interesting

[1:27:02] and it is so funny without meaning to be funny that I don't know.

[1:27:09] It was a joy to watch.

[1:27:10] In the darkness I can see the guinea pigs looking at me.

[1:27:13] You look into the eye of a guinea pig and you see not even a pig.

[1:27:20] You're reminding one of the womb in some way.

[1:27:23] I don't know how that makes sense.

[1:27:26] No, it's definitely there's like he's talking about how like Klaus Kitt sees nature

[1:27:31] so like it's so reverent of nature and he's like,

[1:27:34] when I see nature, I see blood, I see rape, I see violence.

[1:27:40] They publish Herzog's diary that he was keeping during the filming of that movie

[1:27:45] or it's either that or the film of Fitzcarraldo

[1:27:47] and it is all that stuff.

[1:27:49] It's hilarious.

[1:27:50] He's like the jungle is a place of savagery and slaughter.

[1:27:54] Man has tamed it, but has he ever really tamed anything?

[1:27:58] He thinks life is so scary

[1:28:01] and then he makes a movie like that Loch Ness movie

[1:28:05] where it's a total joke on his own personality.

[1:28:08] So I thought I was going to recommend Creep for Shocktober

[1:28:12] and I was like this is a found footage movie.

[1:28:13] No way is Stuart going to see this.

[1:28:15] He totally scooped me.

[1:28:17] It's a non-Shocktober movie that I liked.

[1:28:19] It's called Ginza Cosmetics.

[1:28:21] It's a Japanese movie from the early 50s.

[1:28:26] It is directed by, and I'm going to pronounce it wrong I'm sure,

[1:28:28] Mikio Naruse who is known more for like women's films or movies about women

[1:28:35] and I feel like it's the kind of movie that there are many of throughout Japan's history

[1:28:40] which film fans in America don't always see.

[1:28:43] I feel like we watch a lot of samurai movies.

[1:28:45] We watch a lot of violent cop movies or whatever

[1:28:49] or watch a lot of Japanese thrillers or things like that

[1:28:54] or ghost movies, but there's this huge genre that for whatever reason

[1:28:58] doesn't seem to come up.

[1:29:00] I don't see as much of.

[1:29:02] Women's films.

[1:29:03] Women's films.

[1:29:04] But films about the way people actually live in Japan

[1:29:08] or lived when the movies were being made

[1:29:10] rather than period pictures or monster movies or things like that.

[1:29:13] And it's a very kind of delicate movie.

[1:29:16] The emotions are kind of reticent in it to a degree that is I found more powerful

[1:29:23] because the characters do not want to show what a tough time they're having in life

[1:29:27] and it's a melodrama about a single mother who is a geisha at a bar in the Ginza district

[1:29:33] and briefly sees that there might be an opportunity for her to leave this life

[1:29:38] and have like a better life with her and her son and it just doesn't work out.

[1:29:42] But it's all done very like the characters are very tentative and everything is very delicate

[1:29:47] and I found the score in it very affecting

[1:29:49] because it was like the music was kind of sad but not super sad.

[1:29:52] It was a movie that...

[1:29:53] Was it played on a shamisen?

[1:29:55] I don't know what that is.

[1:29:56] It's one of those Japanese guitars.

[1:29:57] Like a shammy you would use to wipe a car off?

[1:29:59] Yeah.

[1:30:00] like offensive but uh I really really liked it a lot it's a movie that kind

[1:30:08] of forces you to kind of supply think about women's films what think about

[1:30:14] women's films never mind it forces you to think about women's films yeah anyway

[1:30:18] Ginza cosmetics I liked it yeah the saddest time of the year another

[1:30:26] Shocktober come and go on the longest it'll be until another Shocktober you

[1:30:30] know what when is this episode is just around the corner it is coming on

[1:30:36] Halloween Halloween on all Halle's Eve that's what my mom calls me Halloween

[1:30:44] she calls me Halloween that's a Halloween peek behind the curtain

[1:30:47] because you're in the band ween for a while yes Dean ween the other ween

[1:30:53] Halloween Halloween yeah um okay have a great Halloween people I had a whole

[1:31:10] speech about the chilly day when the spirits roam but I guess I'm not even

[1:31:14] gonna get into that you know the sound the sound of crinkled leaves and this is

[1:31:20] the rest of the story then I've been Stuart Wellington and as the veil

[1:31:31] between our world and the spirit world once again thickens I will be Elliot

[1:31:36] Talen or will I use your imagination dude I don't I don't even know how to

[1:32:03] how to begin to answer that question are you saying you would be because you

[1:32:08] can't decide if you would fuck a pile of bones yeah I mean come on look at it

[1:32:12] right there I mean it yeah I mean it's priority in the reclining position just

[1:32:17] what you weird it said sexy skeleton and pile of bones as if those are not the

[1:32:21] same thing but one is like a disconnected pile of bones one is yeah

[1:32:24] yeah I get it sexy how to begin to answer that question are you saying you

[1:32:31] would be because you can't decide if you would fuck a pile of bones yeah I mean

[1:32:36] come on look at it right there I mean it yeah I mean it's priority in the

[1:32:41] reclining position just what you weird it said sexy skeleton and pile of bones

[1:32:45] as if those are not the same thing

Ep. #190 - Ouija

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