Ep. #191 - Men, Women & Children

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss men, women, and children.

[0:04] I guess that covers most of the bases.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:35] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:36] Hey there, Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] Hi, guys, and also listeners and anyone else around.

[0:41] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] Hey!

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] We're here.

[0:44] Boom.

[0:45] We're...

[0:46] No.

[0:47] Okay.

[0:48] So I'd like to welcome our listeners and you guys to the month of Sandalvember.

Elliott Kalan

[0:53] Sandalvember is a month where we only do Adam Sandler movies, right, Dan?

[0:56] That's not...

[0:57] We're not doing that.

Stuart Wellington

[0:57] I thought it was when we go down to Beautiful Sandals Resort in the Bahamas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] That's where we're recording this.

[1:03] It's actually...

[1:04] We couldn't afford the Bahamas.

[1:04] Adults only.

[1:05] We're at the Sandals...

[1:06] No.

[1:07] We're at the Sandals in Weehawken.

[1:09] Okay.

[1:09] Shh.

[1:10] So...

Dan McCoy

[1:11] That's a wave with a speech impediment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16] So the complimentary sandals are not getting a lot of use, except when we walk to, I don't

[1:21] know, the spa.

[1:22] Yeah.

[1:22] And within the hotel only.

[1:23] But those aren't sandals.

[1:25] They're completely different.

[1:26] Yeah.

[1:26] They're puffy.

[1:27] And nor were they complimentary.

[1:29] They were given to you as a gift.

[1:30] I mean, I guess that's complimentary.

[1:31] That's a form of complimentary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32] What's more complimentary than receiving a gift?

[1:34] That's the best compliment you can receive.

[1:35] It's like the universe saying, hey, we like you.

Dan McCoy

[1:38] So, yeah, this is not Sandalvember.

[1:40] We just happened to watch a movie that had Adam Sandler as one of many actors in it.

[1:45] Yeah.

[1:45] Too many.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47] The sky was dark for all the stars were in men, women, and children.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54] This movie's got it all.

[1:55] I didn't know that's what we were doing.

[1:57] Stuart and I seem to know.

[1:59] I guess you two...

[2:00] We're kind of psychically.

[2:01] Maybe you peed in a fountain or something.

[2:03] You're both dream warriors.

[2:04] And you know what's going on in each other's minds.

[2:06] I think you're misremembering those movies.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Two of us...

[2:08] Both of us are ready for Freddy now.

Elliott Kalan

[2:14] Oh, did you hear about Freddy?

[2:15] He got fingers.

[2:17] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] Oh, gross.

[2:19] Is that why he wants to kill all those teens?

[2:22] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] That's why he has those blade gloves, because now he's afraid of fingers.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] It's just the cycle of violence is what it is.

[2:29] Yeah.

[2:30] Yeah.

[2:30] Freddy got fingered and now he's going to finger some teens with his blade fingers.

[2:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] I mean, that's kind of the plot, isn't it?

[2:37] Yeah.

[2:37] Yeah, I think so.

[2:38] Freddy got fingered.

[2:39] Anyway.

[2:41] So, we watched Men, Women, and Children, the movie that the title alone tells you will try

[2:45] to talk about everything there is.

[2:48] If everything means middle class white lifestyles.

[2:52] Yeah.

[2:53] Because...

[2:53] It's a hot take.

[2:54] That's what...

[2:55] The hottest.

[2:56] And I think there were two black people in this whole movie, one of whom was a school psychologist

[3:00] and the other was Dennis Haysbert, a man who is using Ashley Madison to cheat on his wife,

[3:06] I assume.

[3:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:07] But, I mean, like, at least the other one was Phil Lamar.

[3:09] That was nice to see.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] Yeah, that was nice to see him.

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] From MADtv.

Dan McCoy

[3:12] That's right.

[3:13] Many things.

[3:13] That's the main thing that everyone knows from.

[3:16] So, this is the triumphant follow-up to Labor Day.

[3:21] To Labor Day.

Elliott Kalan

[3:22] And I was going to sell you.

[3:23] Never...

[3:24] Because since Jason Reitman wrote and directed both.

[3:26] Did you just say sell you?

[3:27] Yeah, he's going to sell us on Men, Women, and Children.

[3:28] This car.

Dan McCoy

[3:30] What's it going to take to get you in a Men, Women, and Children today?

[3:34] Is it going to take Rosemary DeWitt?

[3:35] We have her.

[3:36] She's in it.

[3:37] Do you like J.K. Simmons?

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] Because he's in almost three scenes of the movie.

[3:42] Just kidding.

[3:42] How about Dean Norris?

Stuart Wellington

[3:44] Hank from Breaking Bad.

[3:45] Judy Greer?

[3:46] And sometimes confuse him with Just Kidding Simmons.

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] How about Jennifer Garner?

[3:51] TV's aliases.

[3:52] Okay.

[3:53] What about Judy Greer?

[3:54] Kitty from TV's Arrested Development.

[3:56] Would you like to say goodbye to these?

Stuart Wellington

[3:58] Do you have my main man, Ansel Elgort?

[4:01] My dog?

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] My dude?

[4:03] Name created by somebody burping while naming their child Ansel Elgort.

[4:07] He's in there too.

Dan McCoy

[4:10] Someone wanted to name their child after Ansel Adams and then ran out of vowels.

Elliott Kalan

[4:17] It sounds like someone was trying to do the Crypt Keeper version of a real name.

[4:21] Ansel Elgort.

[4:24] What was his name?

[4:25] Elgar, I guess.

[4:26] I don't know.

[4:27] Do you like the show Justified?

[4:29] Sometimes.

[4:31] Whoa.

[4:32] When I'm watching it.

[4:34] Oh.

[4:34] And when I'm not watching it.

[4:35] Who's your favorite character on Justified?

[4:38] Boyd Crowder, clearly.

[4:40] True.

[4:40] He's not in this.

[4:42] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[4:42] Who's your seventh favorite character on Justified?

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] That dentist played by Alan Ruck in that one episode?

[4:49] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[4:50] And what about the guy who played Herman from Herman's Head?

[4:53] The guy who played Herman from Herman's Head.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] I don't even know how to parse that.

[4:58] I'm slowing it way down.

[5:00] I can't even.

Stuart Wellington

[5:02] Well, it has Loretta from.

[5:05] Yeah, Loretta from Justified.

[5:06] Justified, little girl.

[5:08] Yeah.

[5:08] Mags' daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[5:10] Adopted daughter, kinda.

[5:11] Hey, remember the guy that Pam dumped on The Office for Jim?

[5:15] He's in the movie.

[5:16] For a scene.

[5:16] As the worst history teacher in the world.

[5:19] I don't think he plays the history teacher.

[5:21] No.

[5:21] I think that was somebody else.

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] I can't tell.

[5:23] You were so angered that your eyes saw red only.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] All these doughy, white, bearded, Midwestern-looking guys.

[5:28] I can't tell the difference between them.

[5:30] You're so lucky you're not doughy, Stuart, or else I couldn't tell the difference.

[5:33] That's true.

[5:34] I am lucky.

[5:35] Instead, you're a handsome, bearded, white, Midwestern guy.

[5:37] I say a little prayer every day.

[5:39] Yeah, there was a scene.

[5:40] Well, I guess we'll get.

Dan McCoy

[5:41] I'm not doing that.

[5:42] I was at the top, though, man.

[5:43] That's the thing.

[5:44] It's a rags to riches.

Stuart Wellington

[5:46] I guess you want to talk about my entire life now, or should we save that for a later podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[5:51] Now, there was a character in this movie who loved role-playing games.

[5:53] Did you relate to him?

Stuart Wellington

[5:54] Well, that was my dog, Ansel Elgort.

[5:56] So, yeah, totally.

[5:57] He and I go way back.

[5:59] Ansel?

[6:00] Ansel, indeed.

[6:02] He does kind of have a Ansel-style haircut.

[6:06] Because Ansel's so hot right now.

[6:08] Yep, that's a reference to him.

[6:10] Waka Waka.

[6:12] Thanks, Ozzy.

Elliott Kalan

[6:14] Congratulations on your YouTube channel.

[6:15] I just want to remind you.

Stuart Wellington

[6:20] Yeah, so I could totally get into his headspace, where he's playing Guild Wars, and you can

[6:25] see the screen up here in the ether next to his head.

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] Now, let's talk about, so this movie is full of stars.

[6:31] We've established that.

[6:32] It's like we cracked open a pirate's treasure chest full of gold, but unfortunately the gold

[6:36] is encased in human shit that's been mixed with molasses.

[6:40] So it's also super sticky.

[6:42] Like Hanukkah Guild?

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:43] Well, if it's Hanukkah Guild does not taste good, but it's not human shit.

Dan McCoy

[6:48] We also forgot Emma Thompson as the narrator.

Elliott Kalan

[6:50] As the narrator that the movie forgets about for a long period of time.

[6:53] I thought she played Carl Sagan.

[6:54] The best kind of narrator.

[6:55] She just quotes Carl Sagan a lot.

[6:58] Now, the movie is about how people's lives are terrible because of the internet, but also

[7:03] because of not the internet.

Dan McCoy

[7:05] Yeah.

[7:05] The movie tends to...

[7:06] It's...

[7:06] The movie begins...

[7:07] It's got a real muddy thesis statement, I would say.

[7:09] He was such a great blues musician.

Elliott Kalan

[7:11] Muddy thesis.

[7:13] I mean, his thinking wasn't super clear.

[7:15] Like, his logic never quite worked out.

[7:17] But, oh, the way he plucked that guitar.

[7:20] No.

[7:20] No one pulled the strings like Muddy thesis.

[7:22] Yeah.

[7:22] You never know why his baby left him.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] No.

[7:26] I mean, by the end of it...

[7:27] It could have been his car.

[7:28] It could have been his love of music.

[7:29] It could have been his drinking.

[7:30] You don't know.

Dan McCoy

[7:31] We know that since his baby left him, a lot of bad stuff happened.

[7:34] Yeah.

[7:34] The things are...

[7:34] We don't know the causal...

[7:36] Like, the incident.

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] What you're saying is, we need a prequel to this blues song.

[7:42] Yeah.

[7:42] That really explains the tale.

[7:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] Yeah.

[7:46] Muddy, this has been a big hit.

[7:47] Let's take it back.

[7:48] Let's dial it back.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] Well, I mean, all my songs are just me repeating the same line with, now, now, now, now, now,

[7:53] now, after each one.

[7:54] So, sure.

[7:55] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[7:55] This is a real three white guys talking about the blues situation right now.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] You can say that about any situation if you accurately describe it.

[8:04] That's true.

[8:04] This is a real three guys doing a podcast in an apartment situation right now.

[8:09] Check our privilege, guys.

[8:11] Yeah.

[8:11] It's pretty great.

[8:11] I checked it out.

[8:12] Yeah.

[8:13] Look at it.

[8:14] Oh, it's hot.

[8:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:15] Check out that privilege.

[8:16] It's a real taut privilege.

[8:17] What would you do to that privilege?

[8:18] Oh, boy.

[8:18] I would wreck that privilege.

[8:20] I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

[8:21] Okay.

[8:22] I feel bad about myself.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] Speaking of not knowing what it's saying, this movie has a very unclear message.

[8:26] Mm-hmm.

[8:26] It's...

[8:27] The first half seems to be anti-internet.

[8:29] And then the second half seems to be anti-people not using air.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] So the movie begins in outer space.

Elliott Kalan

[8:33] As any movie called Men, Women, and Children should, it begins in outer space as a satellite

[8:39] flies through space.

[8:40] And Emma Thompson tells us about, what is it, the Voyager probe or whatever, whichever satellite

[8:46] it is, it is, that Carl Sagan put that gold record on that has recordings of people saying

[8:52] hello in, like, waves.

[8:53] Carl Sagan has a gold record?

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:55] It was his only acid rock album.

[8:58] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[8:59] It was called Billions, Oh Billions, Oh Billions.

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] It's called Star Stuff.

[9:06] Yeah.

[9:06] And it was very hallucinogenic.

[9:08] The A side is a bunch of, like, kind of radio playable cuts.

[9:11] And then the B side is just one long song.

[9:14] Just for the fans.

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:15] Which is just, have you ever heard Metal Machine music?

[9:17] It makes that sound accessible.

[9:19] Oh boy.

[9:19] Okay.

[9:19] Wow.

[9:19] Yeah.

[9:20] And he said, Carl Sagan said, and I'm quoting him, this is the kind of music people will be

[9:26] listening to in the future.

[9:27] And if you don't believe me, you can go fuck yourself.

[9:29] Wow.

[9:29] I'm Carl Sagan.

[9:30] That's what he said in the last episode of Cosmos.

Stuart Wellington

[9:33] This is on PBS.

[9:34] So it's like a Saturday Night Live impression where he says his name every time he does it?

[9:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:39] Or a Flophouse impression, to be honest.

Dan McCoy

[9:41] I thought he said, I guess you're not ready for that, but your kids are going to love it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] Yeah.

[9:45] Because he went back in time so that Mr. and Mrs. Sagan got together at the high school dance.

Dan McCoy

[9:51] Yeah.

[9:52] And that's the origin story for Carl Sagan.

Stuart Wellington

[9:54] You know I'm not play-gin.

[9:57] I'm Carl Sagan.

[9:58] What?

[9:59] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[10:00] So yeah, when he was on Yo!

[10:01] MTV Reps that one time, a failure of an appearance.

[10:05] We wouldn't raise that back feature thing if he had then played Smells Like Teen Spirit

[10:08] and goes, you're not going to like it, but your kids' kids are going to like that.

[10:12] Now, can I get my EDM machines in here for what your kids' kids' kids' kids are going

[10:16] to listen to?

Dan McCoy

[10:16] Now, okay, your kids' kids' kids, they're going to be really interested in this thing called

[10:20] The Drop.

Elliott Kalan

[10:22] Let me explain.

[10:23] Whoa.

[10:24] Now, that doesn't sound like music, but it is.

Stuart Wellington

[10:27] Somebody invent me a Game Boy so I can just play music using its sound card.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] Okay.

[10:33] Then your kids' kids' kids' kids are going to go back to using little pieces of your music.

[10:37] It's called sampling.

[10:38] Allow me to show you what it's like.

[10:40] You play that, but then speed it up real fast, like high-pitched, and then do it over and

Dan McCoy

[10:44] over again.

[10:44] Now, some of them are going to like your grandparents' music.

[10:47] They're going to play on a washtub.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] With a banjo, everyone's going to hate them, yet somehow their music will be everywhere.

[10:54] Now, your kids' kids' kids' kids' kids' music are going to score only car commercials,

[10:58] and it's going to be a lot of ukulele and claps and kind of choral singing.

Dan McCoy

[11:02] Yeah, and someone in the back is going to go, hey-ya, or something like that.

[11:07] Or just, huh!

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] Yeah, who decided that so much music should involve someone just going, huh!

Stuart Wellington

[11:13] I don't know, man.

[11:15] Excuse me for some...

[11:16] That's what makes it authentic.

[11:18] Sorry, I just made noise because I have to get beers out of this bag.

Elliott Kalan

[11:20] Yeah, you may have noticed some radio sound effects were not sitting in front of a roaring

[11:24] fire.

[11:25] That's Stuart trying to open a plastic bag.

[11:29] His beer bag.

[11:30] Like an old person unwrapping a candy in a movie theater.

[11:33] He thought if he did it slowly, nobody would notice.

Dan McCoy

[11:38] Now, when we say beer bag, unfortunately, it's not how you're imagining it, which is just

[11:42] a bag filled with loose beer.

[11:44] A sack of beer.

Stuart Wellington

[11:45] Well, it's like an old person.

[11:46] I have this bag.

[11:47] I'm not going to throw it out.

[11:48] I'm going to use it again.

[11:49] It's a perfectly good bag.

[11:50] You're up in the Depression.

[11:51] You mean they can't afford a bag like that?

[11:53] It's only got one hole in it, the hole that I put things into.

[11:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] Like a homeless guy at the bus stop masturbating.

[11:59] He thought if he did it slow enough, nobody would notice.

[12:02] Okay, so men, women, and children were started in space.

[12:05] Emma Thompson's telling us about how Carl Sagan chose all these things to send into space

[12:10] to tell an alien what humans are like because we're fragile, beautiful beings or some garbage.

[12:15] Then we hit back to Earth.

[12:17] If anything-

[12:18] Media res.

[12:19] As Will Smith would say, welcome to Earth.

[12:20] Oh, boy.

[12:20] I don't know if that means what you think it means.

[12:23] It means medium resolution.

[12:25] Okay, sure.

[12:27] So we're in a small town somewhere, any town USA, let's call it, Americaville, 1234 Fake

[12:33] Street.

[12:33] Yeah, yeah.

[12:34] Coca-Cola America.

[12:36] Football town USA.

[12:37] All the phone numbers are 555 phone number.

[12:40] Mm-hmm.

[12:42] It's too many digits.

[12:43] They just keep dialing after the rings start.

[12:46] Now, there's a lot of plot lines in this movie, so I'm not going to try to do it in chronological

[12:50] order.

[12:50] Let's just go through them because they're all intertwined like some crappy Seinfeld episode.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] You know, or like I said, it's a real shortcut situation, except for unlike shortcuts, you

[13:01] don't have the brilliance of Robert Altman or Julianne Moore wandering around bottomless

[13:07] for a whole scene.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] That's what Dan thinks about when he thinks about shortcuts.

Dan McCoy

[13:12] Mm-hmm.

[13:12] Yeah.

[13:12] It's like the Raymond Carver story, what we think about when we think about shortcuts.

[13:16] Raymond Carver, who shortcuts was based on.

Elliott Kalan

[13:18] Mm-hmm.

[13:19] And Birdman.

[13:19] Anyway, so.

Stuart Wellington

[13:21] But this movie is directed by Jason Wright-Man.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] Yeah.

[13:25] Who was the wrong man.

[13:27] Who's never been.

[13:28] And here's the thing.

[13:29] I'm sure he's a great guy, and he's made movies people like.

[13:32] I'd hang out with him.

[13:33] I'm sure.

[13:33] I bet he's a real.

[13:34] I'd hang out with his dad.

[13:36] Who wouldn't?

[13:37] Come on.

[13:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] Yeah.

[13:38] I love hanging out with dads.

[13:40] Ivan, quote, the terrible Reitman.

[13:42] Nobody has ever called him that.

[13:44] Someone's at his college.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] Someone called him Ivan the Terrible.

[13:48] Possibly.

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] I mean, that would have been ignorant.

[13:50] There was only one Ivan the Terrible.

[13:52] His name?

[13:53] Ivan the Fourth.

[13:54] Czar of the Rushes.

[13:56] So.

[13:57] So this movie is about.

[13:58] So there's a lot of intertwining things.

[14:00] We start with Emma Thompson.

[14:01] And also, Emma Thompson is narrating in this kind of wry, like, hmm.

[14:07] I'm going to bring out the ironies of these people's situations.

[14:09] It's like a crappy version of the book from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Dan McCoy

[14:13] She ported her narration over from whatever, like, Stranger Than Fiction, where she literally

[14:18] was like, I mean, that was a comedy, where it was like, you know, she had to have that

[14:24] wry.

Stuart Wellington

[14:24] Well, this movie is described as a comedy.

[14:26] Well, that was the funny.

[14:27] A comedy drama.

Dan McCoy

[14:28] Yeah.

[14:28] Were you the one who discovered that?

[14:30] That it was just funny?

[14:30] Elliot did.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] Oh, yeah.

[14:32] He's the fucking kid sleuth over here.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] I'm the encyclopedia Brown who found that out.

[14:37] Bugs Meany, you called this a comedy drama, yet there's nary a laugh to be found.

[14:42] Don't invest, kids.

[14:45] But there's not a lot of jokes, and it's a dour movie.

[14:48] Everything's dour.

[14:49] You thought Labor Day, a movie about a convict who accidentally killed his wife and teaches

[14:54] a mother and a son how to make pie erotically, was a dour movie?

[14:58] A movie where a kid says to his widowed mom.

[15:01] Talk about a cream pie.

[15:03] Edit that out, Dan.

[15:04] Yeah, please edit that out.

[15:06] Wow.

[15:06] That was a movie where a kid told his widowed mother, I'll be dad for the day for you,

[15:12] which is one of the saddest things I've ever heard in a movie.

[15:14] This movie has the saddest thing that an adult can say, which is there's a scene where an

[15:19] adult says to a teenager, these are the best years of your lives, which is the most pathetic

[15:24] thing a human being can think.

[15:26] That the first 16, 17 years are the best years of their lives, and everything after that

[15:31] is down.

[15:31] Do you think that's like just-

Dan McCoy

[15:31] Except for the stars of the movie, the best years of our lives.

Stuart Wellington

[15:34] That was ironic.

[15:35] But that's ironic.

[15:35] Is that like a- Do you think all high school principals, that's in their basic manual of

[15:40] how to deal with a surly teen?

[15:41] It's gotta be.

[15:42] You gotta remind them.

[15:43] This is the best years of their lives.

[15:44] It's like, hey dude, enjoy it now, because your life is-

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] Follow the script, kid.

[15:47] That would be like-

[15:48] Follow the script.

[15:49] You're supposed to have fun, but not too much fun, graduate, and be miserable.

[15:54] That has gotta be-

Dan McCoy

[15:55] Here's a Bruce Springsteen song, it's called Glory Days, listen to it.

[15:58] Aside from like saying the saddest thing about the adult who's saying it, that is the worst

[16:03] thing to say to a miserable teen.

[16:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] He was like, you mean, it's like the opposite, it is literally the opposite of-

Dan McCoy

[16:08] So I should kill myself now is what you're saying.

[16:09] It gets better.

[16:10] He's like, what the, this is the pinnacle?

[16:13] Fuck this, I'm out.

[16:15] And by out, I mean I'm out of this life, because I've already killed myself.

Stuart Wellington

[16:20] Stop the world, I wanna get off everybody.

Dan McCoy

[16:23] Is that all there is to a fire?

Stuart Wellington

[16:25] Yep, let me, let me pull up my, let me pull up my Uber Charon.

[16:29] Come pick me up, dog.

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] It'll be two bits.

[16:32] Now would that be an Uber X or an Uber Black?

[16:35] Uber Black, in this case, yeah.

[16:36] And Charon's just gonna come pick you up, you don't have to go to the River Styx?

[16:39] No, dude, he shows up.

[16:40] Because what, his boat has wheels on it and a motor?

[16:42] It's a hovercraft.

[16:44] He's magic, right?

[16:45] He just borrowed that hovercraft from Supercop, decided to bring it over to get you.

[16:49] Mm-hmm.

[16:50] Okay, so it's, so let's get, we start off with Adam Sandler as a dour dad, who is gonna

[16:56] try to masturbate on his home computer, but it's not working for some reason, and the

[17:00] only other computer is his 15-year-olds.

Stuart Wellington

[17:02] A lot of the laughs of this movie come from Emma Thompson describing names of porn sites

[17:09] with her accent.

[17:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] There's also, there's a, I'm gonna pull back the curtain on a behind-the-scenes thing from

[17:16] The Daily Show.

[17:16] Okay.

[17:17] We worked on a book called Earth the Book, which was, the idea was, where it explains

[17:21] aliens what human life was like on Earth.

[17:23] And something that Jon Stewart cautioned us not to do a lot was not to do a joke where

[17:27] the only thing about the joke was that you were describing something in an overly technical

[17:32] way.

[17:33] That there was no actual joke there.

[17:35] It was just that you were describing a dumb thing in a very highfalutin way, and like,

[17:41] that's Emma Thompson's narration for the most part.

[17:44] It's like, the joke of it is just like, I'm gonna describe this guy masturbating in a

[17:49] way that's like, overly highbrow, you know, but there's no actual joke there.

Dan McCoy

[17:54] Or just, like, detached and detailed.

[17:56] Like, he sat at the computer pondering.

[17:59] Like, do I want big-breasted whores, or do I want, you know, anal angels?

[18:05] And the thing is, he pulled the tissue over here.

[18:07] That's the thing.

[18:08] I'm sure there's a video that fits both.

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] And if not, just have two video screens open on your computer.

[18:13] You've got DSL, dude.

Dan McCoy

[18:15] So you're saying, in this modern world, we can have it all.

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] In the Tom Tomorrow comic strip, this modern world, yes.

[18:21] We can have any kind of sex we want on TV.

Dan McCoy

[18:24] You can have a big-breasted penguin with a visor.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] Yeah, telling us things about Republicans.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] So is he blind, like Geordi LaForge, or what's going on with that visor?

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] I mean, I don't know.

[18:38] Tom Tomorrow, call in.

[18:39] The lines are open.

[18:41] So, Adam Sandler is a sad sack.

[18:44] He and his wife haven't had sex in a long time.

[18:46] He's masturbating a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] Do you think the beard was a choice, or he was like,

[18:51] Do I have to shave?

[18:53] You're like, no.

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] Considering Adam Sandler often chooses his movies based on where he can go on vacation while making them,

Dan McCoy

[19:00] I will say that, like, I mean, you know, it's not like he's particularly great in this movie or anything.

[19:05] He's not bad.

[19:06] But that, well, that's where I'm going with this.

[19:07] It's like, Adam Sandler, extremely lazy with his own films.

[19:10] I feel like whenever he shows up in someone else's movie, he puts in a pretty good performance.

[19:16] Like, you're like, oh, okay.

[19:17] This guy can act.

[19:18] He's just super lazy most of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[19:21] Now, Stuart seems dubious.

[19:24] But he brings, like, a certain beaten down quality to his other roles that seems very fitting for this role.

[19:30] I don't know if it's necessarily him, like, acting or just him being cast well in the part.

[19:38] I mean, I'll give him the credit, you know, a little bit of credit, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[19:40] Even to play yourself is hard.

Elliott Kalan

[19:43] To play with yourself is extremely easy.

[19:45] In fact, not doing it is harder.

[19:47] But no, I think he's, I mean, the actors in this, some of them are pretty, do a fine job of trying to get across the material.

[19:55] A few.

[19:55] I think most of them are doing pretty good jobs.

[19:57] Most of them.

[19:58] Like, Jennifer Gardner is not very good.

[19:59] Jennifer Gardner is too brittle in caricature-ish.

[20:01] Yeah.

[20:01] Mostly, some of the teens are kind of like, bleh.

[20:04] You know, like, there's not a lot coming out of them.

[20:06] Yeah, but those are teens.

Stuart Wellington

[20:07] Yeah, but that's teens.

[20:08] That's just the way they are.

[20:09] Teens?

[20:09] Man that Ansel Elgort.

[20:13] He brings it.

[20:14] Oh, no.

[20:14] He turns.

[20:15] Like a maniac.

Dan McCoy

[20:15] You totally believe he's.

[20:16] Guys, I've started taking a supplement of Ansel Elgort every day.

Elliott Kalan

[20:19] No, no, Dan, that could lead to insomnia, restless leg syndrome, temporary blindness, bouts of race hatred, vomiting.

[20:27] Wow.

[20:28] Vomination, which is like vomiting, but your stomach still hurts afterwards.

[20:31] Insomnia and death.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] And long moments of staring at a screen with your mouth slightly open.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] Ask your doctor about Ansel Elgort.

[20:38] So what I kind of, I love that this movie featured something from Unfriendable or whatever the fuck we watched a couple weeks ago where it had a character writing out all their thoughts and then deleting it and then writing something shorter.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] And innocuous, yeah.

[20:52] This also, there's a lot of screens in this movie.

[20:54] Screens are popping up everywhere.

[20:56] So imagine watching, what was it called, Chef?

[20:59] That Jon Favreau movie.

[21:00] Yeah.

[21:00] Where every time someone tweets it appears on screen.

[21:03] Imagine that, but everyone's tweeting all the time and there's screens all over the screen.

Stuart Wellington

[21:07] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[21:08] Double screens.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] Triple screens.

[21:09] Quadruple screens.

[21:10] Quadruple screens.

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] I mean, there's so many screens.

Elliott Kalan

[21:12] Multi-screens.

Dan McCoy

[21:13] Mm-hmm.

[21:13] Everything's a multi-screen experience these days.

Elliott Kalan

[21:15] Yeah.

[21:16] So just watch this movie and you'll get it.

[21:18] Yeah.

[21:18] So let's just go through the stories quickly.

[21:20] So Adam Sandler is married to Rosemary DeWitt.

[21:23] They're unhappy.

[21:24] And their sex life is D-O-A.

[21:27] Mm-hmm.

[21:27] Dork on arrival.

[21:30] That's terrible.

[21:33] They both get involved in the internet in different ways.

[21:36] He decides to hire a prostitute through it and she joins Ashley Madison, the famous adultery site.

Dan McCoy

[21:42] She's the one woman on Ashley Madison.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] Which is why she gets so many dates.

[21:45] Very popular.

[21:45] You think Dennis Haysbert's picking her first with that picture she put up?

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:49] She signs up for her account at work and puts up a picture that is just-

Stuart Wellington

[21:53] Seems like a misuse of company time.

[21:54] Yeah.

[21:55] For sure.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] In many ways.

[21:57] And-

Stuart Wellington

[21:57] It's just a picture of her fuzzy sweater.

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] Dude, guys were into that.

[22:01] Well, I guess she's trying to attract-

[22:02] It wasn't like an Angora sweater.

[22:03] Like Rosemary movies are built on that.

[22:06] Rosemary movies are built on what's under the sweater, Stuart.

[22:09] Mm-hmm.

[22:09] Namely, the tag.

[22:11] Yeah.

[22:11] Sure.

[22:12] The-

[22:13] Yeah, she's-

[22:14] Dry clean only.

[22:15] She's trying to attract moths and, I don't know, some cats.

[22:19] Yeah.

[22:19] So, with her sweater.

[22:20] Meanwhile, they have a son who has been watching pornographic videos since he was a kid.

[22:24] And now, he cannot get it up for a human woman who's in front of him.

[22:28] And at one point, tries to rectify this by having sex with a hollowed out Nerf football full of lotion.

[22:33] Sounds like a good plan.

[22:34] We never find out if it works or not.

[22:36] Yeah.

[22:37] So, those are some of the stories.

[22:38] There's another story.

[22:39] There's a high school football star.

[22:41] Some of the legends.

[22:43] Some of the myths that are told.

[22:45] So, each of the-

[22:46] I like to think of this movie as like the constellations in the sky.

[22:48] You look up and you go, oh, those stars together make up the unhappy masturbator.

[22:52] Those stars up there make up the Ashley Madison sight.

Stuart Wellington

[22:56] That would have been great, by the way, if it kept cutting to Shots of the Night Sky and we would have constellations of the characters.

[23:03] I mean, that's kind of almost what happens.

[23:05] I guess I want it for life.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] Because it kept cutting to that satellite going through space.

[23:09] Yeah.

[23:10] Then there's a high school-

[23:11] Satellite of love.

[23:12] Blue Reed.

[23:13] There's a high school football star played by your dog, Ansel Elgort, who does not want to play football anymore because he's too depressed over his mom abandoning the family.

[23:23] And so, he decides to throw himself into the fantasy world of Guild Wars.

Dan McCoy

[23:27] By the way, I spaced out.

[23:29] Did we explain why we keep referring to Ansel Elgort as your buddy?

Stuart Wellington

[23:34] Because for many years, I worked for a company called Games Workshop, Dan, which sells model figurines.

[23:40] And one of my regular customers, who I would see, I don't know, almost every day, was hot teen star Ansel Elgort.

[23:49] And I, so he and I are super close.

[23:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] Did you ever say to him, Elgort, Elberata, Elnicto?

Stuart Wellington

[23:56] I'm like, hey, Elgort.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] Because that would have been a hilariously nerdy joke.

Stuart Wellington

[23:59] I didn't.

[24:00] I don't even know what that joke means, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] Well, technically, I guess it would be Elgort, Elclatu, Elberata, Elnicto.

[24:05] It's a Day of the Year stood still reference.

[24:07] Okay.

[24:07] Or maybe you remember that.

[24:08] Is that like a movie?

[24:10] You might remember Army of Darkness that repurposed.

[24:12] What's Army of Darkness, guys?

[24:13] They just stole it as a joke.

[24:15] They referenced it.

[24:16] Yeah.

[24:16] Army of Darkness is a movie I'm pretty sure you saw.

[24:20] You're like, is that that French movie about the resistance?

[24:22] No, that's Army of Shadows.

[24:23] The most Stewart movie ever made.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] I mean, the only thing it doesn't have is a guy getting his dick ripped off.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] And it kind of does have that.

Dan McCoy

[24:32] There's no casual nudity in it.

[24:34] I guess that's the one thing.

Elliott Kalan

[24:35] Well, there's that one part where the deadites are arising,

[24:39] and they somehow have a bunch of scantily clad women chained up

[24:43] that they're tagging along who have appeared out of nowhere.

[24:45] And one of them, I think, might be a little nude, but I'm not sure.

Stuart Wellington

[24:49] Yep.

[24:49] I think it's like X-Men nudity where their hair is covering their parts.

[24:55] Yeah, and they have no pupils.

Dan McCoy

[24:57] Because they're using their powers.

[24:58] That's how you define the nudity.

[25:00] X-Men nudity.

[25:00] Even their eyes are nude.

[25:02] Little wisps of smoke are covering their nipples.

[25:05] Yeah.

[25:05] Like steam or something.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] That happened a lot, actually.

[25:08] Every time Psylocke got out of the shower.

[25:09] Exactly.

[25:10] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[25:11] It's like you're wasting all the hot water, Psylocke.

Elliott Kalan

[25:15] Just go get Firestar to heat some more up.

Stuart Wellington

[25:18] Forge, why don't you get on that, bro?

[25:20] Make a bigger water heater.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] I'm too busy inventing devices that'll help Rogue with her powers for a day and then break.

[25:27] Sure.

[25:27] I'm working on the Blackbird to get out my sexual energy.

[25:31] I'm too busy being some kind of techno-shaman.

Stuart Wellington

[25:33] I mean, he's exactly that.

[25:35] Explicitly a techno-shaman.

Elliott Kalan

[25:37] With like a metal piece on my leg that you just see a little part of in a headband.

Stuart Wellington

[25:40] You lost it in Vietnam, dude.

[25:42] You did?

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] Sorry.

[25:43] On Veterans Day.

[25:44] On Veterans Day, no less.

[25:45] I should be more respectful to Forge.

[25:49] Yeah.

[25:49] Maybe the least popular X-Men character ever created.

[25:53] And I'm including Maggot and Marrow in those rankings.

[25:56] I'm including Joseph, the clone of Magneto, in those rankings.

[26:00] Forge is still lower.

[26:03] I'm including Stacey X, the mutant-powered prostitute that was in like six issues.

Dan McCoy

[26:08] I know that Forge was in the comics when I was reading the X-Men comics, and I can't picture him.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] He's just a guy with a mustache and a headband.

[26:14] He's got a ponytail.

[26:16] And a ponytail.

[26:16] He's got a metal leg, and he's a techno-shaman.

Stuart Wellington

[26:18] He dated Storm briefly because she had no other options.

Elliott Kalan

[26:22] They were on and off, on again, off again.

Stuart Wellington

[26:24] And then Bishop showed up.

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] And then Marvel was like, why don't we just have her date only black characters?

[26:29] And Bishop and Black Panther showed up.

[26:31] Yeah.

[26:32] Anyway, so that's our X-Men history cast.

[26:36] That's Stuart Elliott X playing the X-Men.

[26:39] Take that, Rachel and Miles.

[26:40] Now, Tim Mooney, high school football star, Ansel Elgort, he quits the football team because it doesn't matter to him anymore.

[26:46] No.

[26:47] In the wake of his mom's abandoning the family, and he really gets into Guild Wars, which is an online massive multiplayer role-playing game.

[26:54] Online role-playing game.

[26:56] His father, Dean Norris, is really unhappy about it, but he starts up a little relationship with Judy Greer's character, who is helping her daughter, who's a cheerleader, to run a vaguely softcore teen porno site where her teen daughter models in underwear and bathing suits.

[27:18] It takes most of the movie for Judy Greer to realize this is a terrible idea.

Dan McCoy

[27:22] Even though, like, at one point, she's, like, feeling out with Jennifer Garner.

[27:26] She's like, now you know the legalities of all this.

Stuart Wellington

[27:28] Like, she's, like, clearly, like, what would and would not be child pornography?

Dan McCoy

[27:33] You know, like, it was...

[27:34] Was that your Judy Greer impression?

Elliott Kalan

[27:37] What would be?

[27:38] What?

[27:39] I'm saying the finalese.

Dan McCoy

[27:41] No, Jennifer Garner, what would and would not be child pornography?

Elliott Kalan

[27:45] Perfect.

[27:46] When we record an episode of Archer, we're not together.

[27:49] We record our parts separately.

[27:52] So, what you're saying is that...

Stuart Wellington

[27:57] You're saying that her realization, the moment when she's in the meat aisle of the grocery store,

[28:02] we know that because there's a big sign that says meat, and the woman on the phone is like,

[28:06] your daughter has a porno site.

[28:08] That moment is bullshit because you think she already knows.

Dan McCoy

[28:12] Well, she...

[28:12] I mean, it's clear that she's been eating at her for a while, but the fact that she goes to the point

[28:16] where she's like, where's the legal line?

[28:19] Like, she's like, that seems...

[28:20] Yeah.

[28:21] Like, that seems...

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] Now, we've mentioned two subplots there.

[28:23] One is that Jennifer Garner, who is an overprotective mother, has started a group of parents to stop the internet, I guess,

[28:30] because it's...

[28:30] And telephones, because they're ruining children.

[28:33] They're dangerous.

[28:33] And through that, she meets Dean Norris, and she begins dating him, but also that her daughter is obsessed with being famous

[28:38] and decides that...

[28:40] And at the mall one day, while her daughter is texting with the kid who can only get it up while watching videos,

[28:46] Adam Sandler's son, and telling him that if he was tied up, she would totally ride him,

[28:51] that...

[28:52] Over texts, or sex, I guess the young people call them.

[28:54] They run into open auditions for teens to be on a show called America's Next Big Celebrity,

[29:01] which is the least imaginative name ever for a fake television show.

Stuart Wellington

[29:05] It seemed like a placeholder name.

[29:06] They're just like, oh, fuck it, we forgot to change it.

[29:08] Make the sweaters.

[29:10] America's teeniest teen.

Elliott Kalan

[29:12] That's for the smallest teen.

[29:14] I mean, you've got a bunch of kids who are trying to sneak onto that show because there's a million dollar prize.

[29:20] We've made this show to empower dwarf teens.

[29:23] All these little kids are trying to get in.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] I guess actually one of the subplots of this movie is kind of about America's teeniest teen,

[29:29] but we'll get to that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] Oh, that's right, because there's also...

[29:31] Oh, so Jennifer Garner's daughter is angry at her mom because her mom monitors all of her phone calls

[29:36] and text messages and websites and things like that.

[29:39] Because her mother's a crazy person.

[29:41] Because her mother's crazy.

[29:42] She's overprotective to the point of insane paranoia, to the point that she is at one point...

[29:47] Yeah, she's a real Carrie's mom.

Stuart Wellington

[29:48] It's like the only episode of Dollhouse she saw was the horrible future where cell phones are turning everybody into horrible dollhouse monsters.

[29:56] And she's like, that is our inevitability.

[29:59] I need to put a stop to that by ending the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] I would have loved it if that was the origin for a character.

[30:03] She's like, Dollhouse, Joss Whedon, I'll give it a try.

[30:06] And that was the one episode where she's like, a chilling vision.

Dan McCoy

[30:10] She's like, oh, the first six episodes aren't very good, but oh, it gets interesting after a while.

[30:14] Okay, I'll stick with it.

[30:15] Interesting that they gave it a second season.

[30:17] All right, thank you, Fox.

[30:18] Dollhouse had two seasons?

[30:19] Yeah.

[30:20] I didn't realize that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] Yep.

[30:22] I think they thought they were renewing Henry Gibson's Dollhouse.

[30:25] Yeah, that's right.

[30:26] And they were like, time for Fox to get classy.

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:28] Maybe then we can do an enemy of the people.

[30:30] Who's this Joe Sweden character?

[30:33] He must be from Sweden.

[30:34] Who's this Jody Sweden?

Stuart Wellington

[30:37] From Bullhouse?

[30:38] How rude, Dan.

[30:39] How rude, Dan.

[30:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:40] By the way, this is way too much sounding like patting ourselves on the back.

[30:50] But in terms of...

[30:50] That's what this sounds like.

[30:54] Sometimes I do dream of someone deciding to do an annotated version of our show.

[30:59] And I'm just like, we have made a shit ton of references to a bunch of stuff.

[31:04] I just want to see it written out and diagrammed how many different references.

[31:09] Somebody do that.

[31:10] Yeah, I'm putting on you.

[31:11] Annotate and spend hours on that.

[31:12] Yeah.

[31:12] Basically, Martin Gardner, if you're out there, annotate us.

Elliott Kalan

[31:16] That's what he's up to these days because he's dead, Dan.

[31:19] Martin Gardner died.

[31:20] What?

[31:20] Died?

[31:20] We've got to get Joss Nevins, the guy who...

[31:23] That's his name, right?

[31:25] Jess Nevins.

[31:25] The guy who annotates League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

[31:27] He's still alive.

[31:28] No, Martin Gardner died a couple years ago.

[31:30] I was right sad about it.

[31:31] Author of my favorite book, The Annotated Alice.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] Is that your favorite?

[31:34] That's one of my favorite books.

Elliott Kalan

[31:36] I think it's even more than just reading Alice in Wonderland.

[31:38] I think my favorite is his annotated.

Dan McCoy

[31:40] No, no.

[31:40] I mean, to read...

[31:41] Everyone out there in podcast land, if you love the Alice books but have not read The Annotated Alice,

[31:49] you are missing out because it is so much more a rich experience to know all that stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] I mean, it helps, but it's also the way he annotates it is delightful.

[31:57] Yeah.

[31:57] But if it wasn't for the bedrock genius of Lewis Carroll's book...

[32:01] Bedrock?

[32:02] If it wasn't for Badrock, the genius Rob Liefeld's character.

[32:05] My other favorite book, Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton.

[32:08] I may mention that on the show before.

[32:09] It's a pretty good one.

[32:10] It's a pretty good book.

[32:11] I read it.

[32:11] That's in the fiction division.

[32:13] Nonfiction, of course.

[32:14] Power Broker by Robert Cara.

Stuart Wellington

[32:15] I kind of stick to the manga section.

[32:18] And The Journalist and the Murderer by Janet Malcolm.

Dan McCoy

[32:21] Stuart sticks to the mango section.

[32:23] Just likes tropical fruits.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Yep.

[32:25] I like to sit in the aisles of Barnes & Noble, chomping on a fucking mango.

Elliott Kalan

[32:30] Then you go in, now this is a book.

[32:32] Yep.

[32:33] Why isn't this one of the paperback favorites?

Stuart Wellington

[32:35] Wearing those pants that have cargo pants.

[32:37] Sir, that is in a book, and you're getting the actual books all sticky.

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] He's just wiping his hand on copies of other books.

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] My God, you must not like culture.

[32:45] Mangoes.

[32:46] It's from Japan.

[32:47] That's not even true.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] Sir, can I at least get you a book on mangoes so you can learn about what you're eating?

Stuart Wellington

[32:54] Well, you can give me a book.

[32:54] I'm just going to get all sticky with this delicious mangoes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] There's only one other mango I need, and you pull up an SNL episode on YouTube with Chris

[33:01] Katana's mango.

[33:04] Sure.

[33:04] Sir, please get out of the store.

[33:05] Sir, give me back my iPad.

[33:07] You're getting mango juice all over.

[33:09] How did you get into our Wi-Fi network?

Stuart Wellington

[33:11] I can only tell from your pants that you're some kind of a hacker or a Matrix guy.

Elliott Kalan

[33:17] Are you wearing leather pants in this scenario?

[33:19] Yeah, and a mesh undershirt.

[33:19] Yeah, with a lot of straps.

[33:22] We're holding, I guess, like what, like jump drives and things?

[33:27] Yeah.

[33:29] So anyway, we're not even done with the storylines.

[33:32] No, it's fine.

[33:33] No one cares.

[33:34] So she's overprotective of her daughter.

[33:36] Her daughter starts dating the ex-football player, and there's a certain point when every-

Stuart Wellington

[33:43] Did you forget about the one girl, Just Kidding Simmons' daughter, who's like soups skinny?

Elliott Kalan

[33:48] Who's super anarchist.

[33:49] Yeah, well, that was the world's teeniest teen I was talking about before.

[33:51] Who has a terrible eating disorder and is part of an online community of anorexics and bulimics

[33:57] who are egging her on to get ever thinner.

[34:00] Or as a gypsy would say, if their relative was hit by her car, yeah, thinner.

[34:07] If she got that curse on her, she'd be like, thank you.

[34:10] This is not a curse.

[34:11] This is a gift.

[34:12] Yeah.

[34:12] Now, should we just run through what happens with the-

Dan McCoy

[34:15] She could eat that shepherd's pie that she wanted to eat.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] That's true.

[34:18] And the cupcake that she smushes in her face.

Dan McCoy

[34:19] Instead of just licking it like they advised her online.

Elliott Kalan

[34:23] Eventually, everything comes to a head as these story lines slam together.

[34:28] But not before-

[34:29] Slambo.

[34:30] Not before the part that made me the maddest, which was when-

[34:33] Okay.

[34:34] A history teacher-

[34:35] Cut to a high school history class here.

[34:37] A high school history class.

[34:38] The teacher puts the word, puts 9 slash 11 on the board.

[34:42] Says, what does this mean?

[34:42] And I was like, please let this be fucking math class.

[34:45] Please let it be a fraction.

[34:46] Yeah.

[34:46] That they just didn't fact check beforehand.

[34:49] They did-

[34:50] Everyone on set-

[34:51] I shouldn't have just let him do whatever he wanted.

[34:53] Everyone on set was like, yeah, that's a fraction.

[34:55] And then while they were editing, Jason Reitman was like, oh, shit.

[34:59] I forgot that was a date of a tragedy.

[35:02] Wowzers.

[35:03] Oh, boy.

[35:03] Can we change that digitally in post?

[35:05] No.

[35:06] There's something about digital technology.

[35:07] Can't change anything written on a whiteboard.

Dan McCoy

[35:10] It's called the never forget algorithm.

[35:14] It just won't let you change those numbers.

Elliott Kalan

[35:17] We've tried running that these colors don't run, but it's only reinforcing the problem.

[35:22] So the teacher goes, does anyone know what this means?

[35:25] And one of the students goes, is that the day that terrorists attacked World Trade Center?

[35:28] And he goes, yes.

[35:30] Aside from Pearl Harbor, it was the only time America was attacked by a foreign power on its home soil, which is not true at all.

Stuart Wellington

[35:37] At this point, steam started shooting out of Elliot's ears.

[35:40] And his hat flipped up in the air and made the sound like a tea kettle.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] Unless I missed the phrase, in the 20th century, which is also not true.

[35:47] And it's like, what about the War of 1812, dude?

[35:49] They burned Washington, D.C. to the ground.

[35:52] Why do you think we have a White House?

[35:53] Because they burned the executive mansion down.

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] Honk shoe.

[35:56] Old news, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] And it's like, much like the, it is old news.

[35:59] It's over 200 years ago.

[36:02] It's much like the rest of the movie.

[36:04] I couldn't tell if the film was saying, this guy is a bad history teacher.

[36:07] Or if the film was saying, we don't know anything about history.

[36:11] That like, we as a movie think that this is true.

[36:14] The movie like, wanted to have it both ways throughout the film of, the internet's bad.

[36:18] But also, hey, back off.

[36:20] Don't get so mad about the internet.

[36:21] Really?

[36:22] It's about being a better parent.

[36:23] And so, there's a part where all the parents learn that they've been bad parents.

Dan McCoy

[36:27] Where a skinny girl who has had her first sexual experience with.

[36:31] I like her line of margaritas.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] The girl with an eating disorder who's friends with the girl who's going out with the ex-football player, etc., etc.

[36:40] Who are hanging out at the home of the most offensively stereotyped gay teen I've ever seen in a movie.

[36:46] It's like, if you took.

[36:46] They're like, let's use some broad strokes here.

[36:48] The only way they could have made him more outwardly, cartoonishly gay is if he dressed like Ducky from Pretty in Pink.

Dan McCoy

[36:54] I mean, he wasn't like Hollywood in Mannequin.

Elliott Kalan

[36:57] He just, you know.

[36:58] He wasn't like, uh-oh, in Mannequin 2 on the Move.

Stuart Wellington

[37:02] No, I think he's in both of them.

[37:04] Yeah, he's in both of them.

[37:04] He's the one carryover.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] I said Mannequin and Mannequin 2 on the Move.

[37:07] Yeah.

[37:08] I said and.

Stuart Wellington

[37:09] I didn't hear that connection.

Elliott Kalan

[37:11] Mannequin, Will Mannequin, and children.

[37:13] I'm thinking of Herman's Head.

Dan McCoy

[37:15] Mannequin 2 on the Move.

[37:16] Yeah, you're right.

[37:17] That's a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] Herman from Herman's Head is in that too.

Dan McCoy

[37:20] Who is that actor?

[37:21] I forget his name.

Stuart Wellington

[37:21] We're calling him Herman from now until infinity.

[37:24] William something.

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] William Sadler.

[37:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:27] Let's say that.

[37:28] William Catt.

Elliott Kalan

[37:30] He was William Tell.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] Now, uh.

[37:32] William H. Macy, who actually does a small cameo as a bartender in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[37:36] He does not.

[37:37] He's a bartender.

[37:38] A blurry bartender.

[37:39] Barely looks like him.

[37:40] Kind of like William H. Macy's.

Stuart Wellington

[37:42] I mean, he's in the background, Dan.

[37:43] You can't really tell, dude.

[37:44] And he's in.

Elliott Kalan

[37:45] And he's a great actor.

[37:46] He's not in the same scene with the snippiest bartender I've ever seen in a movie.

[37:50] Outside of the one in the grifters who beats up John Cusack with a bat.

[37:53] Where Dennis Haysbert's sitting with Rosemary DeWitt.

[37:57] And she goes, I'll have a.

[37:59] What did she say?

[37:59] A Cosmo.

[38:00] A Cosmo.

[38:01] And Dennis Haysbert says to her, she'll have a Cosmo?

[38:04] And he goes, yeah, I heard her.

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] It's like, whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[38:07] Whoa, dude.

[38:09] Uncalled for.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] I didn't vote for you in 24.

Elliott Kalan

[38:13] Look, the unit.

[38:14] I don't need your sass.

[38:17] So all these things come to a head when the skinny girl who's had her first sexual experience

[38:22] with her gay friend's brother.

[38:25] Which is great.

[38:26] She tells her friends, they're hanging out in his room watching Breaking Amish.

[38:30] While his brother's friends play a guitar hero, a rock star or something.

[38:34] And they.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] Do you think they chose Breaking Amish as an homage to Dean Norris of Breaking Bad?

[38:39] No.

[38:40] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] That would be a very cloudy homage.

[38:43] Roundabout homage.

[38:45] Yeah.

[38:46] She goes, I gotta use the bathroom.

[38:48] She goes to the bathroom door, opens it and closes it.

[38:50] And then runs into the brother, has sex with him for like 45 seconds.

[38:56] Walks out.

[38:57] And then just for her alibi, opens and closes the bathroom door again.

[39:00] Now, when she does this, she's standing right in front of the open bedroom door of her friend.

[39:06] He could see her walk up to the door, open and close it, and then walk in again.

[39:09] I don't think Breaking Amish is so incredibly captivating that their peripheral vision just disappears.

Dan McCoy

[39:16] But that touch is one of the few times I came close to liking the movie, though, on the other hand.

[39:20] Because I'm just like, that's a stupid teenager.

[39:22] Yeah, I guess so.

[39:23] She would do that.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] She ends up having an ectopic pregnancy.

[39:26] But because her body is so malnourished.

Stuart Wellington

[39:28] Which has nothing to do with ghosts.

Elliott Kalan

[39:30] No, it is not an ectoplasmic pregnancy.

[39:32] In which is when, yeah, I guess Slimer comes after you.

[39:35] And you give birth to a shitload of hot dogs.

[39:40] That's horrible.

[39:41] Just like that Cosby show episode where he dreams he gives birth to a submarine sandwich after, I assume, a submarine sandwich roofied Cosby and sexually assaulted him.

[39:50] And that's where he got the idea.

[39:51] That's how you do it, I guess.

[39:52] In the Cosby world.

[39:53] Yeah.

[39:54] The Cosmiverse.

[39:55] And so, JK, just kidding, Simmons is not kidding when he is very disappointed.

Stuart Wellington

[40:02] He's like, I'm so unhappy, I'm going to leave this movie forever and never show back up.

Dan McCoy

[40:06] He's like, first I had to deal with Juno and now you.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] The kid who can't get it up, except if it's a video.

[40:12] He tries to have sex with the girl who has the website and he can't do it.

[40:17] Which seems like it's right up his alley, right?

[40:19] Yeah, you'd think so.

[40:20] But it doesn't work.

[40:21] His parents never find out he has a problem.

[40:25] Football kid, he finds...

Stuart Wellington

[40:27] I mean, who says he has a problem?

[40:28] At the end of the day, he just needs to talk to more people and actually make a connection with somebody that isn't totally, I don't know, self-obsessed.

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] I guess you're right, yeah.

[40:39] The football kid...

[40:41] Adam Sandler and his wife eventually decide, hey, you know what?

[40:45] Let's not tell each other about our dalliances and we'll just have breakfast.

[40:47] We'll just forget about it, yeah.

[40:48] We'll just forget about it!

[40:50] Hey!

[40:51] Hey!

[40:51] Oh!

Stuart Wellington

[40:52] There's a great scene of Adam Sandler making breakfast and he's cutting food like a guy who has never cut food before.

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] He's cutting onions and he's cutting them into the smallest little cubes.

[41:03] Like, he wants to get every bit of teardrop out of his eyes with those onions.

Stuart Wellington

[41:07] Like, you know, in his head he's like, making breakfast.

[41:10] Making breakfast like a person.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] This is what someone who doesn't have a live-in chef does, right?

Dan McCoy

[41:15] He's singing an opera man song about making breakfast.

Elliott Kalan

[41:17] Yeah, that is his red-hooded sweatshirt.

[41:23] And the football guy, he's mad because his mom is getting remarried.

[41:26] He has a fight with his dad.

[41:28] His dad finds out that his friends on Guild Wars were razzing him with some off-color remarks about his mom.

[41:35] So he calls his credit card company, has them delete the account, which is how that works, I guess.

[41:40] Now, the football kid, after having gotten in a fist fight with a guy who threw a football at his girlfriend, was given depression pills by school psychologist Phil Lamar.

[41:50] And so he contacts with his girlfriend.

[41:52] TB's Hermes from Futurama.

[41:55] He has a full name.

[41:56] It's Hermes Pan.

[41:58] Actually, no, that's a choreographer, I guess.

[42:02] Where it was, oh wait, so he got all these depression pills.

[42:06] He's so distraught over his dad deleting his Guild Wars account, he gets in touch with his girlfriend.

[42:11] He just needs to make a human connection for a change.

[42:13] But his girlfriend's crazy mom has got the phone and tells him, thinking it's her.

[42:18] Oh, and she discovered a secret Tumblr account that her daughter had where she dresses up like a, like, she pulls a whole Cindy Sherman untitled film stills where she dresses up in a bunch of different costumes and stuff.

[42:31] She's mad about it.

[42:32] She pretends to be her daughter on the phone and tells the boyfriend to buzz off.

[42:35] The boyfriend, having lost both his girlfriend and his Guild Wars account in one night, tries to kill himself with the pills.

Stuart Wellington

[42:43] Yeah, and his dad, like, his dad forces the realization on him that his mom left both his dad and him.

[42:51] And is never coming back, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:52] And so they go off and do whatever.

[42:58] His girlfriend shows up, finds him, finds him almost dead.

[43:01] They go to the hospital, in the hospital.

[43:04] Jennifer Garner realizes she's made a terrible mistake.

[43:07] Are there any plots I've forgotten about?

[43:08] I've made a terrible mistake.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] And Dean Norris gets back with Judy Greer after she realizes that she is being a bad mom soccer mom by taking photographs of her daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Judy Greer gets a call from America's Next Big Celebrity, and they tell her, hey, your daughter had the best audition, but there's this weird website she has where she's just in underpants, and we can't allow that.

[43:29] Because the entertainment business and the reality TV business is about wholesomeness and quality.

[43:34] She is distraught.

[43:36] She mentions it to Dean Norris.

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] It's really nice of that person, though, to explain all the reasons.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] She gave a very thorough explanation, as opposed to just sending them a rejection letter.

[43:43] She says to Dean Norris, hey, I do this thing.

[43:45] Is that weird?

[43:46] He's like, that's super weird.

[43:47] I don't want to see you.

[43:48] She tells her daughter she deleted the site.

[43:50] Her daughter is mad at her and runs off.

[43:52] Calls her the B word.

[43:55] A butter face.

[43:57] And she and Dean Norris get back together.

[43:59] And in the end, everybody has kind of like, much like a Shakespeare play, everyone's kind of re-paired up into couples.

[44:06] And then a satellite floats through space.

[44:10] And Emma Thompson reads us a super pretentious Carl Sagan quote about how important it is to remember that we're all together on this dust mode of a speck of a planet floating in the infinity of the universe.

[44:22] So let's take care of it, shall we, and take care of each other.

[44:24] And that's it.

[44:26] That's the end.

[44:27] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[44:27] So what I think Carl Sagan was thinking was, why don't you make a podcast about this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[44:33] I wish the movie had ended with aliens just blasting that satellite and never listening to the record on it.

Stuart Wellington

[44:38] Yep, a fucking void whale swallowing it up whole.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] And then it goes right into the mouth of the asteroid worm from Empire Strikes Back.

[44:47] It's like, finally, I've been so hungry.

[44:49] It gets devoured by a bunch of Minox.

Dan McCoy

[44:52] And then those aliens hover above the earth and the words, to be continued.

Elliott Kalan

[44:57] In Men, Women, and Children 2, Men, Women, and Children versus the aliens.

Dan McCoy

[45:02] Yeah.

[45:02] So let's just move on to final judgments.

[45:06] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[45:11] I will say that for the first 15 to 20 minutes of this movie, I thought...

[45:16] I thought you loved it.

[45:17] I thought this is maybe my least favorite movie we've ever watched because it was so, so overbearing about all the internet stuff.

[45:25] Like, it was just an article in movie form.

[45:29] And the article was a hysterical article about how the internet is ruining everything.

[45:35] Rather than, you know, taking the internet as maybe a symptom of pre-existing problems.

[45:39] Like, the internet is a tool.

[45:41] The internet is not in and of itself bad.

[45:43] The internet can be used for bad and it can be used for good.

[45:45] And all the bad things that were shown being used for, there's a good side.

[45:51] Like Stuart pointed out, the anorexia thing where people were encouraging the girl to be anorexic,

[45:57] it could just as easily have been a support group for anorexics who are like,

[46:01] no, you can't do this.

[46:02] You've got to do something else.

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] As much as the internet can alienate people, it also can bring people together.

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] Well, and I think we also, maybe we take it a little personally because we do an internet-based podcast

[46:12] that has a following on the internet.

[46:13] Sure.

[46:13] And we've seen a lot of people become friends and kind of get through tough times by reaching out to each other.

Stuart Wellington

[46:19] And I've made friends with people like Elliot, Caitlin, and Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] Yeah, and like, I met my wife.

[46:23] Over the internet.

Dan McCoy

[46:24] We're not actually sitting in the same room.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] No, we've never met.

[46:26] Never met in person.

Dan McCoy

[46:27] We're actually, we've been, we're in the Matrix right now.

Elliott Kalan

[46:30] Oh, great.

[46:31] Well, we're all in the Matrix all the time.

[46:32] That's why this steak tastes so good.

Stuart Wellington

[46:34] I'm just pulling up a bunch of shelves with super cool weapons on them.

[46:39] I'll take two katanas, please.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] The katanas are not really going to help you in the gunfight.

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] They're going to look cool, though.

Elliott Kalan

[46:44] I'm going to chop bullets in half.

[46:46] And speaking of someone who like met his wife on the internet, like that's the idea that,

[46:51] I mean, but then by the second half of the movie, it's about bad parenting.

[46:56] It's like, you thought this was about the internet?

[46:57] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[46:58] It's about bad parenting.

Dan McCoy

[46:59] And I hated the movie slightly less when that happened, but.

[47:02] Well, because stuff started happening.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] Yeah.

[47:04] I wish that the stuff had started happening.

[47:06] That would have been great.

Dan McCoy

[47:07] And by the time stuff started happening, like I was like, okay, well, there are good actors

[47:11] doing this and there's, it's shot glossily.

[47:15] So it's not, at least it's not super boring, but the movie's bad.

[47:19] It's a bad, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:20] It is super boring, though.

[47:21] Yeah.

[47:21] There were two times when we checked how much movie was left.

[47:24] And both times I thought that we had like 10 minutes left.

[47:27] And then it turned out once we were not even halfway through the film.

[47:30] And the second time, I think we still had like 30 minutes left.

Stuart Wellington

[47:32] Yeah, the first half hour of the movie was more preachy and insufferable than God's Not

[47:38] Dead, a movie that is all preachy.

[47:41] This movie felt like, so imagine you're a kid.

[47:45] In a candy store.

[47:45] You're a kid and you have dinner and your parents are like, well, if you eat your vegetables,

[47:49] you'll get your dessert.

[47:50] And you're like, okay.

[47:51] And you start eating vegetables and they're like, here's some more vegetables, kid.

[47:55] And you keep eating vegetables.

[47:57] And it actually turns out those vegetables are filled with poison because they're wrong.

[48:02] Does this metaphor make sense?

Elliott Kalan

[48:03] It's not exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[48:04] I thought you were going to say there was no dessert at the end.

[48:06] There was no dessert at all.

[48:07] Bad, bad is what you're saying.

[48:09] Yeah.

[48:10] All right.

[48:11] I mean, good, great.

Elliott Kalan

[48:12] Yeah, I'm going to say best picture.

[48:13] Okay.

[48:14] That sounds great.

Justin McElroy

[48:21] Hi, everybody.

[48:22] I'm Justin McElroy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:23] And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy.

Justin McElroy

[48:25] Every Tuesday, we bring you Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, a show about

[48:31] all the dumb, weird, terrible ways that we've tried to fix each other over the years.

[48:35] You know, some light summer listening.

S5

[48:37] Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas or why we tried to eat mummies for a while or

[48:42] why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea.

Justin McElroy

[48:46] That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday right here on the Maximum Fun Network

[48:52] with Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine.

Dan McCoy

[48:59] Before we move on to letters, first off.

[49:03] First off, vaults.

[49:04] They're a bunch of vaults.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Not a great interview, that guy.

[49:10] Too bad because he seems so delightful.

[49:12] Yeah, he's a great character actor.

Dan McCoy

[49:13] There are a lot of plugs, actually.

[49:16] They look real.

[49:18] Thank you.

[49:18] When did you start losing your hair?

[49:22] I've never had hair.

[49:23] I was bald as a baby and it's all been plugged since then.

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] I mean, most people are bald as babies.

[49:29] Did you just not wait for the hair to grow in?

[49:31] Elliot, have you ever seen the movie Powder?

[49:33] Yeah.

[49:33] Good point.

Dan McCoy

[49:37] No, there's some plugs that I want to get in here.

[49:41] First off, a bunch of plugs for Friends of the Show.

[49:45] And then lastly, a plug for us.

[49:48] So that's a teaser.

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] There's a plug for us.

[49:54] Somewhere a plug for us.

[49:58] And that's somewhere at the end of these other plugs.

Stuart Wellington

[50:00] Yeah.

[50:00] So they're going to be chomping at the bit.

[50:03] Champing.

[50:04] They're going to be chomping at the bit.

[50:05] So let's get through these other plugs first.

Elliott Kalan

[50:06] Is this a bit?

[50:07] Let's just keep going because I'm not chomping on it.

Dan McCoy

[50:09] Okay.

[50:10] So first off, I've been meaning to.

[50:13] First off, false.

[50:14] I've been meaning to four months.

[50:17] I could see you resisting it the first time I said that.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] No, I resisted it the second time.

[50:23] You said the first time and I said it.

[50:25] Then the second time I wanted to.

[50:26] And the third time I came back to it.

Dan McCoy

[50:28] Okay.

[50:28] So I've been meaning to make this plug for a long time.

[50:33] I just keep forgetting.

[50:35] My brother, John.

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] It's the 2012 Olympics.

[50:38] They're in China, everybody.

[50:42] Finally, China's time on the world stage.

Dan McCoy

[50:44] It's Charles Dickens' new.

[50:49] What the fuck?

[50:51] What, novel?

[50:52] Yeah.

[50:52] Serial?

[50:53] Serial.

[50:54] It's called Dickens-o's.

Stuart Wellington

[50:56] The world's fair in Chicago, everybody.

[50:58] The White City.

[51:00] It's the Columbian Exposition.

Elliott Kalan

[51:02] Hell, they have some kind of Ferris-ing wheel?

[51:04] I don't even know.

[51:06] Go see it.

[51:07] There's a devil there?

[51:08] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[51:10] So the first plug.

[51:12] I've been meaning to say this for a while.

[51:13] My brother, John, has a podcast called Sophomore Lit.

[51:18] I wanted to plug it.

[51:20] It's the premise is he looks at books that are typically assigned in high school English classes,

[51:28] and he revisits them as an adult to talk about whether they hold up,

[51:34] why you think that there have been books that are assigned to generation after generation of high school kids.

[51:43] I was on an episode talking about Lord of the Flies.

[51:47] There have been episodes about Catching the Rye, a separate piece.

Stuart Wellington

[51:50] When you guys were talking about Lord of the Flies, did you guys break it down?

[51:55] What clique were you in?

[51:56] We broke it down.

[51:57] Were you a piggy?

[51:59] Were you a Ralph?

Dan McCoy

[52:00] No, I talked about how I was very sympathetic to piggy.

Elliott Kalan

[52:03] Of course you.

[52:04] Everybody's sympathetic to piggy.

[52:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:06] Who were the bad guys?

[52:08] The gremlins.

[52:09] I was a gremlins.

Dan McCoy

[52:12] So that's a podcast I've been meaning to tell people to check out.

[52:16] Like many podcasts, to some degree, it leans a lot on who the guest is.

[52:25] There are some that are very good because of the guest,

[52:27] but all of them I think are good because my brother is a good host.

[52:32] So that's sophomore list.

[52:34] I also wanted to do a shout out to friend of the show,

[52:39] Carolyn Fulford's podcast, The Loose Cannon Podcast.

[52:42] That's C-A-N-O-N podcast.

[52:45] It's a movie podcast from more of a feminist perspective.

[52:51] So you should check that out.

Stuart Wellington

[52:54] Have you been a guess on that yet?

Dan McCoy

[52:56] I have not.

[52:57] Okay.

[52:58] But I also wanted to do a plug for our friend Ramel Wood,

[53:05] who is doing a live show on Monday the 16th at 730 at Videology.

[53:12] That's free.

[53:14] And Monday the 16th at 730 at Videology.

[53:16] That's Monday after this episode airs.

[53:17] Monday after this episode airs.

Elliott Kalan

[53:18] Kind of close.

Dan McCoy

[53:19] She's doing the Dolores Claiborne Minute Live with Ramel Wood of Radio Free Brooklyn's Earhammer,

[53:26] featuring Bonnie and Maude film podcast host Eleanor Kagan and Ksenia Yarosh,

[53:31] as well as Alamo Drafthouse programmer Christina.

Elliott Kalan

[53:36] No, Christina.

[53:37] It's a small piece of bread.

[53:38] Christina.

Dan McCoy

[53:39] Yeah, she's got, it's a piece of bread with basil and tomato and olive oil on it.

[53:45] It's a great film programmer.

[53:46] That's delicious.

[53:46] And delicious.

[53:47] Christina Cacioppo.

[53:49] That's how you say her last name, right?

[53:51] Close enough.

[53:52] I'm glad you did that.

[53:55] But this is a thing that started out kind of as a joke on recap culture.

[54:00] The idea that you do a recap of, you know, like television shows,

[54:03] and she's like, well, you know, what can I do a recap of?

[54:05] I'll do a recap of a minute of the movie Dolores Claiborne.

[54:08] Telling you what happened in that minute.

[54:11] But it's become more of, more of something.

[54:16] It's become more.

[54:17] J-more.

Stuart Wellington

[54:17] Yeah, so that's going to be Videology.

[54:19] Those are all, all the hosts are.

[54:22] Great.

[54:22] Yeah, great friends of ours and people we respect.

Elliott Kalan

[54:25] Great people.

[54:26] Check them out.

[54:26] It's going to be a good show.

Dan McCoy

[54:26] I hope to make it, but I don't know if I'm going to, but I hope to.

[54:28] But lastly, let's move on to our plug.

[54:32] What?

[54:33] Which is the Flophouse Live.

[54:35] It's happening again.

[54:36] What?

[54:38] At the Bell House in beautiful Gowanus, Brooklyn.

[54:41] Beautiful is an overstatement.

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] Yeah.

[54:44] Literally walking distance from my apartment.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] And mine, but slightly farther walking distance.

[54:49] Dan will probably take a car.

[54:51] Now, the Bell House, we haven't done, we did our last live show there.

[54:55] We haven't done a live show in like a year.

[54:57] Yep.

[54:57] Yeah.

[54:58] This will be our first live show since we sold out the place for Podfest.

[55:02] So we're hoping to sell it out again.

[55:04] We're hoping to resell out.

Dan McCoy

[55:06] The Who sell out again, let's say.

Stuart Wellington

[55:09] So yeah, so buy a ticket for yourself.

[55:12] Buy a ticket for all your friends.

[55:14] It's on.

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] Not just one ticket for all your friends.

Stuart Wellington

[55:17] Buy a ticket for my parents, so they'll actually come and see me for a change.

Elliott Kalan

[55:20] Maybe like buy a ticket for Santa.

[55:22] Santa, okay.

[55:23] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:24] Buy a ticket for Elijah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:25] Yeah, he's not going to show up, but you know.

Dan McCoy

[55:27] That's his thing.

[55:29] So no, it's on January the 15th.

Stuart Wellington

[55:33] 2016.

[55:34] Wow, next year.

Dan McCoy

[55:35] The show is at 9 p.m.

[55:37] The doors open at 8.30.

Stuart Wellington

[55:38] That sounds like a great Christmas gift.

Dan McCoy

[55:41] Or holiday gift.

[55:42] I guess, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] Whatever holiday you celebrate, do you want to buy something, a Diwali gift?

[55:45] Go ahead and do it.

Dan McCoy

[55:46] It's $12.

[55:48] It's at the Bell House, 149 7th Street in Brooklyn.

[55:52] We haven't decided what movie we will be discussing yet.

[55:55] But it's going to be a big, dumb one.

[55:57] Yeah, rest assured, we'll come up with something great.

Elliott Kalan

[56:00] We've been batting around some ideas, and I think people are going to be really interested

[56:03] when we tear down Fury Road.

[56:05] What a stinker.

Dan McCoy

[56:08] So, those are our plugs.

[56:12] I want to also say...

[56:14] This has been plug talk.

[56:15] Yeah.

[56:15] What?

Elliott Kalan

[56:16] No, no, it's good.

[56:17] It's great.

[56:18] Anyway.

[56:18] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[56:19] I noticed you checking your Apple Watch very bored during that.

Elliott Kalan

[56:25] I just wanted to show off that I have one.

[56:26] Yeah.

[56:26] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[56:28] It's really cool.

[56:29] It's like a secret agent from the 50s.

Elliott Kalan

[56:32] Before we want...

[56:33] Who went to the future and got an Apple Watch.

Dan McCoy

[56:35] Before we move on to letters, I just want to thank people for sending us a few things.

[56:42] I want to thank Keith Phipps.

[56:43] You may know Keith Phipps from, of course...

[56:46] I thought it was Keith, last name withheld.

[56:48] And the Onion Navy Club.

[56:51] The Onion Last Name Club.

[56:52] They called him Mr. Phipps.

[56:53] Sure.

[56:55] No way they call him Mr. Pibb.

[56:57] Yeah.

[56:58] But thank you very much.

[57:00] I'll read a letter that he sent to us with something like 30 DVDs that he sent.

[57:05] A lot of DVDs.

[57:06] Dear Flop friends, as you know, I used to have an office.

[57:09] And in that office, I could pile up so much crap.

[57:12] Just mounds and mounds of wonderful crap.

[57:14] I no longer have that office.

[57:16] And though I now have a home office with a towering set of shelves, I still have to be selective about the physical media I keep.

[57:22] Which brings us to the contents of this box.

[57:25] In an ideal world, I'd have room to store these movies and time to watch them.

[57:30] In this world, I have neither.

[57:32] But I can't bear the thought of just selling them off or giving them away to strangers.

[57:35] And I thought they might find a good home with you.

[57:38] The enclosed films include everything from boobs and butts to eviscerations and eyeball gouging.

[57:44] Making an educated guess on those last two.

[57:46] And I recommend Sugar Hill, which I have seen.

[57:49] It's a blaxploitation zombie movie filmed in Houston.

[57:51] I like it in part because it's a rare revenge movie with the message that revenge is awesome.

[57:57] Please enjoy it as a small token of my appreciation for your continued excellence in flopdom.

[58:03] Your pal, Keith Phipps.

[58:05] Thanks, Keith.

[58:05] So thank you.

[58:06] Thanks, Keith.

Stuart Wellington

[58:07] Thanks for taking a box full of your crap and sending it to Brooklyn, a place where we have a ton of space for crap.

[58:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:14] You have known prosmacious living spaces.

[58:17] I don't know why you have to be so sarcastic about literally the most generous gift.

[58:20] No, it's a super great gift.

[58:22] I love it.

Elliott Kalan

[58:24] Wow.

[58:25] You should have seen how far back Stuart's eyes rolled.

[58:27] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[58:28] They rolled all the way back like a slot machine.

Elliott Kalan

[58:32] And it said, bar, bar, fruit.

[58:35] So we didn't win.

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] I have three eyes now, I guess.

[58:38] I've been spending a lot of time with my yogi.

[58:42] Yogi bear, yeah.

[58:44] Is this called the stolen picketing baskets?

[58:48] Is this...

[58:49] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[58:49] I am getting really excited.

[58:51] I'm sorry.

[58:52] Jesus Christ.

[58:52] I'm settled down, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[58:53] Trying to cross my legs.

[58:54] I apologize to the listener who I assumed that sounded like an earthquake.

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] Stuart crossed his legs and bumped the table and his microphone jumped back in fear.

Dan McCoy

[59:03] Okay.

[59:04] I also want to thank listener Michael Ciri from...

[59:09] Michael Cera.

[59:09] For sending me a lovely photo of myself and my now sadly deceased cat, Lulu, which hangs

[59:18] in my home.

[59:19] Thank you for sending me a package that I opened up and made me cry almost immediately.

Elliott Kalan

[59:24] I would say there's a few things creepier than getting a package and opening up and finding

[59:27] a photograph of yourself.

Dan McCoy

[59:31] It was pretty obvious that I was sort of incidental to that.

[59:36] The cat was the main feature.

[59:38] But...

[59:38] So he's stalking your cat.

[59:40] It was very nice and also very sad making.

[59:44] Yeah.

[59:45] Sad making.

Elliott Kalan

[59:47] My wife's and my sad making has gone down in recent years.

[59:51] You know, when you have a kid, you're not sad as much.

Stuart Wellington

[59:53] You're spending too much time playing Words with Friends.

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] As in the movie, yeah.

[59:57] We're sitting next to each other playing Words with Friends together on iPads.

[1:00:00] Instead of making sad.

[1:00:01] Instead of making sad.

[1:00:03] We're breaking sad with Dean Norris.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:05] Oh, wow.

[1:00:06] But thank you to everyone.

[1:00:08] And now we move on to letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:11] Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

[1:00:12] Letters.

[1:00:13] Let's keep it moving.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:13] LA's got a hot date to get home to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] Yeah, it's called Sleep Before My Son Wakes Me Up.

[1:00:21] It's called Giraffe Kings.

[1:00:25] No, you can't do that in our state anymore.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] So this goes,

[1:00:29] Hi, my favorite original peaches.

[1:00:31] It's November.

[1:00:32] So you know what that means.

[1:00:34] Cajmas creep has begun.

[1:00:36] You can already see the decorative ornaments.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:38] Shocktober just ended in Cajmas already.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:39] And traditional Cajmas pinatas

[1:00:41] lining the halls of your local superstore.

[1:00:44] My question to you is this.

[1:00:46] What are your favorite Cajmas carols?

[1:00:49] I'm a big fan of ROCK and the USA around the Cajmas tree.

[1:00:52] As well as God rest you merry ghostwriters.

[1:00:55] And I can't help but cry when I hear

[1:00:57] Stolen Night.

[1:00:59] I'm really surprised.

[1:01:00] I expected a novelty holiday album from Elliot.

[1:01:02] If not the whole flop gang.

[1:01:04] P.S.

[1:01:05] If you would be so kind,

[1:01:06] please plug my own podcast in your show.

[1:01:08] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:09] It's called...

[1:01:10] Dan, you choose to read this letter.

[1:01:11] You have to read this one.

[1:01:12] It's called...

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:13] You can stop anytime you want.

[1:01:14] It's called Goobermensch.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:16] It tracks my friend,

[1:01:17] Dylan Lastname Withheld,

[1:01:18] and my travel on the road

[1:01:20] to self-improvement

[1:01:21] and all the comedic tangents

[1:01:23] we have along the way.

[1:01:25] We do weekly homework...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] We kind of copyright tangents.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:27] Listeners submitted challenges

[1:01:28] and discuss our myriad problems.

[1:01:30] Thanks.

[1:01:31] That's Goobermensch.

[1:01:32] Keep on flopping the free world.

[1:01:34] Nathan Lastname Withheld.

[1:01:36] Yeah.

[1:01:36] As soon as last name is for you.

[1:01:37] Thanks, Nate Dog.

[1:01:37] It does seem like Cagemas

[1:01:38] comes earlier every year.

[1:01:40] Yeah.

[1:01:40] Yeah, we had Cagemas in July even.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:42] I was in a Dwayne Reed the other day

[1:01:44] to buy Turkey Day stuff,

[1:01:46] and instead it's

[1:01:47] Nicholas Cage this,

[1:01:48] Nicholas Cage that.

[1:01:50] Like, I just want to buy

[1:01:51] like an iTunes gift card

[1:01:53] to give my mom for Turkey Day.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:55] Wait, you give gifts on Thanksgiving?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:57] Yeah, you're sneaking in

[1:01:58] on the turkey butt.

[1:01:59] Then you cut open the turkey

[1:02:01] and the gifts shoot out.

[1:02:03] I've always been a...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:05] Wouldn't they be all cooked and burnt?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:07] Not if you get a good,

[1:02:10] high-quality plastic one

[1:02:11] from Drillian Reed.

[1:02:13] You'd be crazy.

[1:02:16] I've always been...

[1:02:19] That's why they call it stuffing.

[1:02:21] It doesn't make sense.

[1:02:23] I'll be back.

[1:02:25] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:27] You know what?

[1:02:28] Whatever.

[1:02:30] I was going to play into this

[1:02:31] like...

[1:02:32] this like premise of

[1:02:34] Cagemas Carols,

[1:02:36] but I don't think it's worth it.

[1:02:37] I think that was a better...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:37] No, that was much better.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:39] Yeah.

[1:02:39] So...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] So nice try, Nathan.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:42] Well...

[1:02:42] Nathan, for you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:46] Nathan, not for us this time.

[1:02:48] They seem like a nice guy, though.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:50] This next letter

[1:02:52] goes like this.

[1:02:56] Howdy, dudes.

[1:02:58] I've realized

[1:02:59] that all but one

[1:03:00] of the original peaches

[1:03:01] has admitted

[1:03:02] to a sordid affair

[1:03:03] with everyone's beloved

[1:03:04] Anne Hathaway.

[1:03:05] Elliot,

[1:03:06] we all know

[1:03:06] that back in high school

[1:03:07] you two were

[1:03:08] Starcrust lovers.

[1:03:09] Hollywood Starcrust...

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:10] Starcrust lovers.

[1:03:12] Starcrust.

[1:03:13] Oh, man.

[1:03:13] You gotta pay extra for that.

[1:03:15] Our crusts

[1:03:16] were filled with stars.

[1:03:18] Just like in 2001

[1:03:19] so he saw it as he

[1:03:20] Dave Bowen

[1:03:21] just cut open

[1:03:22] the crust

[1:03:23] on his pizza

[1:03:24] and said,

[1:03:24] my God,

[1:03:24] it's full of stars.

[1:03:27] Yeah,

[1:03:27] because it's new

[1:03:28] Pizza House

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:29] Starcrust pizza.

[1:03:31] Yep.

[1:03:32] Those monkeys

[1:03:33] are like,

[1:03:33] get the obelisk,

[1:03:35] it's dominoes.

[1:03:36] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:36] he throws

[1:03:37] the bone

[1:03:38] in the air

[1:03:39] and then it turns

[1:03:40] into a dough

[1:03:41] that's been thrown up

[1:03:42] by an Italian pizza maker.

[1:03:45] But he threw it up

[1:03:46] in zero gravity

[1:03:47] on a spaceship

[1:03:48] so it never comes down.

[1:03:50] That's why

[1:03:51] you can't have pizza

[1:03:51] in space.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] You two

[1:03:54] were Starcross

[1:03:56] lovers.

[1:03:56] Are you seamless, Dave?

[1:03:58] Hollywood Starlet

[1:04:00] meets Whiny Dork.

[1:04:01] It was the romance

[1:04:02] of the ages.

[1:04:03] Dan,

[1:04:04] as we all know,

[1:04:05] after Elliot and Anne

[1:04:06] ended their once

[1:04:07] secret affair,

[1:04:08] Anne Hathaway

[1:04:09] went on to marry

[1:04:10] none other than

[1:04:10] William Shakespeare.

[1:04:12] Let me check the records.

[1:04:14] Yep,

[1:04:14] that bears out.

[1:04:15] That is almost

[1:04:16] technically factually correct,

[1:04:18] Dan notes

[1:04:18] and an aside.

[1:04:19] Because of all this,

[1:04:21] we all know that

[1:04:21] Anne's butt

[1:04:22] holds a special place

[1:04:23] in Dan's heart.

[1:04:24] But Stu,

[1:04:26] what are you hiding?

[1:04:28] Where do you play

[1:04:28] in Anne Hathaway's life?

[1:04:29] Have you been the weird

[1:04:30] perv who's been

[1:04:31] pulling the strings

[1:04:31] in Hollywood

[1:04:32] to make Ms. Hathaway

[1:04:33] have a cute makeover

[1:04:35] in every single movie?

[1:04:36] Princess Diaries,

[1:04:37] Devil Wears Prada,

[1:04:38] Dark Knight Rises,

[1:04:39] Les Miserables?

[1:04:39] Brokeback Mountain.

[1:04:41] What's your secret,

[1:04:42] Stuart?

[1:04:43] Jude,

[1:04:43] last name,

[1:04:43] not with hell,

[1:04:44] Jackson.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:45] Well,

[1:04:46] let's see.

[1:04:47] Wow,

[1:04:48] I didn't realize

[1:04:50] I...

[1:04:50] That never has been

[1:04:52] Cameron Japson.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:53] Japson,

[1:04:53] indeed.

[1:04:55] Remember his dad,

[1:04:56] Action Japson.

[1:05:00] Of course,

[1:05:02] descended from

[1:05:03] the American president,

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:04] Andrew Japson.

[1:05:05] Yep.

[1:05:05] And football star,

[1:05:07] Bo Japson.

[1:05:08] Hey,

[1:05:08] he knew two sports.

[1:05:09] He does know diddly.

[1:05:12] The,

[1:05:13] let's see.

[1:05:15] What,

[1:05:15] what is my deal

[1:05:16] with old Annie Haths?

[1:05:18] Well,

[1:05:19] you can probably see me

[1:05:21] in the,

[1:05:22] the,

[1:05:22] the backs of scenes

[1:05:23] that she's in.

[1:05:25] The backs of scenes?

[1:05:26] In the rear of the scene?

[1:05:28] Is that like the butt?

[1:05:29] The butt of a scene?

[1:05:30] Whoa,

[1:05:30] dude,

[1:05:31] I was just talking about the rear,

[1:05:32] I mean,

[1:05:33] I guess the rear of the scene?

[1:05:34] Yeah.

[1:05:35] In the background,

[1:05:36] I'm,

[1:05:37] I was a background artist.

[1:05:39] Background.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:40] I've never heard it said

[1:05:42] like two words before.

[1:05:43] It makes me realize

[1:05:44] how weird that saying is.

[1:05:46] Background.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:47] I love whenever

[1:05:48] Stu is delighted

[1:05:48] and he claps at something.

[1:05:50] He claps like he's

[1:05:51] one of those monkeys

[1:05:51] with the symbols.

[1:05:54] Just chattering his teeth away.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:55] Yeah.

[1:05:56] Bringing bad luck to kids.

[1:05:57] I was a background artist

[1:05:58] in movies like

[1:05:59] The Dark Knight Rising,

[1:06:01] Brokeback Mountain,

[1:06:06] Havoc,

[1:06:08] Princess Diaries.

[1:06:10] These are all names

[1:06:11] of Ann Hathaway movies.

[1:06:12] So I was in the background

[1:06:12] of some of those scenes

[1:06:13] like when you see

[1:06:14] the gang members

[1:06:14] hanging out,

[1:06:15] I was one of those

[1:06:16] gang members

[1:06:17] in the movie Havoc.

[1:06:18] In the movie

[1:06:19] Dark Knight Rising

[1:06:20] when there's those

[1:06:21] in the background,

[1:06:22] I was one of those

[1:06:23] in the Princess Diaries

[1:06:25] where she goes up

[1:06:25] and scolds those

[1:06:26] gang members.

[1:06:27] I was one of the

[1:06:28] supporting gang members.

[1:06:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:29] And in Les Mis,

[1:06:30] you were a gang member.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:31] Oh, of course I was.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:32] In Les Mis,

[1:06:33] you were her beautiful

[1:06:34] pixie haircut.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:35] Mm-hmm.

[1:06:35] I was one of the miserables.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:40] Well, thanks for...

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:41] I hope that clarified things.

[1:06:42] If not,

[1:06:44] hit me up on my cell, dog.

[1:06:47] And you'll be like,

Dan McCoy

[1:06:48] new phone,

[1:06:49] who dis?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:51] Dude,

[1:06:51] don't spoil it.

[1:06:53] God.

[1:06:54] So,

Dan McCoy

[1:06:55] this next letter says,

[1:06:57] hey,

[1:06:58] hey,

[1:06:59] genius

[1:06:59] sex machine

[1:07:01] Dan,

[1:07:02] you guys have made

[1:07:04] repeated reference

[1:07:05] to a comic book storyline

[1:07:06] where,

[1:07:07] quote,

[1:07:08] Superboy flies to the edge

[1:07:09] of the universe

[1:07:10] and punches reality.

[1:07:11] Yeah.

[1:07:12] Wait,

[1:07:12] what?

[1:07:13] Come on.

[1:07:13] Riley,

[1:07:14] last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:15] It was like

[1:07:16] Infinite Crisis.

[1:07:17] That was the,

[1:07:17] that was the DC's

[1:07:18] big reboot

[1:07:19] crossover from

[1:07:20] a couple years ago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:22] Was Lobo in that one

[1:07:23] or is that 52?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:24] Of course Lobo was in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:25] Or was that 54?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:28] Studio 54?

[1:07:29] Car 54,

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:30] where are you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:32] Wait,

[1:07:33] so,

[1:07:33] Car 54,

[1:07:34] where are you

[1:07:34] and Studio 54,

[1:07:35] were they related

[1:07:36] in any way?

[1:07:37] They're like the same

[1:07:37] time frame,

[1:07:38] right,

[1:07:38] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:39] They're not at all.

[1:07:41] Car 54 was a little

[1:07:42] earlier than Studio 54.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:44] Yeah,

[1:07:44] well,

[1:07:44] but it couldn't

[1:07:44] have been that early.

[1:07:45] They had to have

[1:07:45] invented cars.

[1:07:47] That's true.

[1:07:47] It wasn't like the 1830s.

[1:07:49] Yeah,

[1:07:49] it's not like a bunch of,

[1:07:50] not like a bunch of monkeys

[1:07:52] with a bone around an obelisk.

[1:07:53] I mean,

[1:07:54] from a geological point of view,

[1:07:55] Car 54 is still on the air.

[1:07:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:58] So I hope that answers

[1:07:59] your question about DC Comics.

[1:08:02] Anyway,

[1:08:02] it was Infinite Crisis.

[1:08:04] Last letter of the evening.

[1:08:06] Hey,

[1:08:06] Peaches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] Yeah,

[1:08:07] that was Infinite Crisis,

[1:08:08] right?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:09] I don't know.

[1:08:09] Don't look at me.

[1:08:10] It was how they like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:11] solved all the,

[1:08:12] They did a bunch of reboots.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:14] Yeah.

[1:08:14] Was Booster Gold in that one?

[1:08:16] Was what?

[1:08:17] Was Booster Gold in that one?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] They were all in it.

[1:08:19] Every character.

[1:08:21] The question?

[1:08:21] I think even Prez was in it.

[1:08:23] It was just a way of,

[1:08:24] Even Brother Power the Geek,

[1:08:25] I think,

[1:08:25] was in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:26] They wanted to clean up

[1:08:27] their universe,

[1:08:28] and it was a way of explaining it.

[1:08:29] They're like,

[1:08:29] I don't know,

[1:08:30] fucking Superboy Punch is a thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:32] Matter-eating lad

[1:08:33] eats the whole shit.

[1:08:34] Who cares?

[1:08:36] Comic books.

[1:08:36] Bouncing Boy

[1:08:37] bounced too hard,

[1:08:38] I guess.

[1:08:40] Plastic Man and Baby Plas,

[1:08:42] just,

[1:08:42] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:43] I think Baby Plas

[1:08:43] was only in the cartoons.

[1:08:47] There are times

[1:08:48] when I'll remember

[1:08:48] the Plastic Man cartoon show

[1:08:50] when we were kids,

[1:08:50] and I'll be like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:51] did that show really exist?

[1:08:53] So,

[1:08:54] my wife has never read

[1:08:55] a comic book,

[1:08:55] but for some reason

[1:08:56] she watched the Plastic Man

[1:08:57] cartoon show,

[1:08:58] so anytime there's

[1:09:00] like a stretchy character,

[1:09:01] like,

[1:09:01] we'll see the ad

[1:09:03] for the Fantastic Four movie,

[1:09:04] she's like,

[1:09:05] is he like Plastic Man

[1:09:06] or Baby Plas?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:08] She thinks Baby Plas

[1:09:09] is like the second biggest

[1:09:10] character in Superheroes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:12] Yeah,

[1:09:12] I think she's fucking with me.

[1:09:13] Like,

[1:09:13] every time we see

[1:09:14] a Boba Fett around,

[1:09:15] she's like,

[1:09:16] is he,

[1:09:16] he's a robot,

[1:09:17] right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:18] You're like,

[1:09:19] he's clearly not,

[1:09:19] he's wearing khaki pants.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:21] Yeah,

[1:09:22] robots can't wear

[1:09:23] khaki pants.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:24] That's insane.

[1:09:25] When was the last time

[1:09:26] you saw a robot

[1:09:26] khaki pants?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:27] Robots like to party.

[1:09:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:29] Come on.

[1:09:30] They're wearing blue jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:31] They're wearing denims.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:33] So,

[1:09:34] this last letter

[1:09:34] of the evening

[1:09:35] goes like this,

[1:09:37] hey peaches.

[1:09:37] This may be the goofiest

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] letter segment ever.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:39] Invisible Maniac,

[1:09:41] Castle Freak,

[1:09:42] and Head of the Family.

[1:09:43] Three Great Tastes.

[1:09:44] Walk into a bar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] And the bartender's like,

[1:09:47] but you're movies.

[1:09:48] But I'm not the granny.

[1:09:51] So,

[1:09:51] the bar is running

[1:09:52] rather than Penny.

[1:09:53] It's crazy.

[1:09:54] So,

[1:09:54] it's a bar

[1:09:55] for horror movie people?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:56] I mean,

[1:09:57] I guess a bar

[1:09:58] of actual DVD discs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:01] They went to the bar

[1:10:02] called Pinhead's Place.

[1:10:04] Sure.

[1:10:05] Okay,

[1:10:05] okay,

Dan McCoy

[1:10:05] that was silly.

[1:10:06] Dan,

[1:10:06] go on.

[1:10:07] those three movies,

[1:10:08] soon to be released

[1:10:09] by Criterion

[1:10:10] as The Wellington Collection,

[1:10:12] are well established

[1:10:13] in the Flophouse canon

[1:10:15] as Stuart's favorite films.

[1:10:17] Yeah.

[1:10:18] What are Dan and Elliot's

[1:10:19] equivalent

[1:10:19] to The Wellington Collection,

[1:10:21] though?

[1:10:22] For you two,

[1:10:22] which three films

[1:10:23] would you pick out

[1:10:23] as not necessarily

[1:10:24] the best films

[1:10:25] of all time,

[1:10:26] but rather the films

[1:10:27] that are most characteristic

[1:10:28] of your taste?

[1:10:30] Stuart,

[1:10:31] since your three picks

[1:10:31] are already established,

[1:10:33] feel free to just sit

[1:10:34] quietly in smug judgment

[1:10:35] of your friend's taste.

[1:10:37] Looking forward

[1:10:37] to your answers.

[1:10:38] First name withheld,

[1:10:39] last name withheld,

[1:10:39] middle name,

[1:10:40] danger.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:41] I can chime in,

[1:10:42] though,

[1:10:42] because Dan,

[1:10:42] one of Dan's

[1:10:43] is Stop Making Sense.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:45] Stop Making Sense,

[1:10:46] Cheeky.

[1:10:47] What's your third one, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:49] No, I mean,

[1:10:50] there's actually

[1:10:51] a difference between,

[1:10:52] like,

[1:10:52] Emmanuel goes to college,

[1:10:53] boom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:54] Emmanuel goes to college,

[1:10:56] a woman with weird

[1:10:57] sensuality-based

[1:10:58] superpowers,

[1:10:59] it turns out

[1:10:59] you didn't finish

[1:11:00] your degree.

[1:11:01] We need you to come back.

[1:11:02] See, there's a difference

Dan McCoy

[1:11:03] between, like,

[1:11:04] the movies that would,

[1:11:05] uh,

[1:11:07] there was a difference

[1:11:07] between the movies

[1:11:08] that would, like,

[1:11:08] be most emblematic

[1:11:09] of my taste

[1:11:11] and the movies

[1:11:11] that would be equivalent

[1:11:12] to The Wellington Collection.

[1:11:14] Because, like,

[1:11:14] if we're talking

[1:11:15] about the former,

[1:11:17] yeah,

[1:11:17] maybe, like,

[1:11:17] Stop Making Sense

[1:11:18] and, I don't know,

[1:11:19] the third man

[1:11:20] and his girl Friday,

[1:11:21] put those together

[1:11:22] or something like that.

[1:11:23] Or, like,

[1:11:23] maybe toss in

[1:11:24] some Marx Brothers.

[1:11:25] But,

[1:11:26] Sure,

[1:11:26] toss in a couple of them.

[1:11:27] If, uh,

[1:11:28] yeah.

[1:11:30] Make sure one of them

[1:11:31] is not Zeppo.

[1:11:31] Yeah,

[1:11:31] not Zeppo.

[1:11:33] Gummo.

[1:11:34] Gummo isn't there

[1:11:35] just as, like,

[1:11:35] as, like,

[1:11:36] a fabric softener.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] But, um...

[1:11:38] Yeah, because nothing

[1:11:39] sounds more like

[1:11:40] a fabric softener

[1:11:41] than gum.

[1:11:42] Dan,

[1:11:43] remind me to never

[1:11:43] let you do my laundry.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:45] But if we're doing,

[1:11:46] like,

[1:11:46] an equivalent

[1:11:47] to Stuart's

[1:11:49] Wellington Collection,

[1:11:51] uh,

[1:11:51] I don't know.

[1:11:52] I think I might,

[1:11:52] uh,

[1:11:53] mine might be

[1:11:54] Return of the Living Dead,

[1:11:56] which I mentioned

[1:11:57] almost as much

[1:11:58] as Stuart has mentioned

[1:11:59] his movies.

[1:12:00] Yep.

[1:12:01] Uh...

[1:12:02] You recommend

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:03] Stop Making Sense

[1:12:04] at least twice.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:05] Yeah, but this is a different,

[1:12:06] we're talking about

[1:12:07] different crap.

[1:12:07] What have you seen

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:08] on a plane?

[1:12:09] Or not crap.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:10] See, you're making me forget

[1:12:11] things that I have.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:12] Oh, I'm messing up

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:13] your train of thought.

[1:12:14] You're messing up my flow.

[1:12:14] Do you want L.A.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:15] to do his flow a little bit?

[1:12:16] You just threw a mind penny

[1:12:17] onto his train of thoughts tracks.

[1:12:19] Yeah, sure.

[1:12:20] Well, that's because

[1:12:21] you're asking my favorite movies

[1:12:22] would be...

[1:12:24] Yeah, they're different things.

[1:12:25] They're different,

[1:12:25] because then that would be

[1:12:26] The Taken of Pelham 123,

[1:12:27] the original,

[1:12:29] uh,

[1:12:30] Shadow of a Doubt,

[1:12:31] and either

[1:12:32] A Night at the Opera

[1:12:33] or The Miracle of Morgan's Creek.

[1:12:36] Yeah.

[1:12:36] But it kind of like,

[1:12:37] but yeah,

[1:12:37] those three movies...

[1:12:38] But the equivalent

[1:12:38] to the Wellington collection,

Dan McCoy

[1:12:39] I've got it.

[1:12:40] I remember.

[1:12:41] It was Return of the Living Dead,

[1:12:43] Big Trouble in Little China,

[1:12:44] and I don't know,

[1:12:45] maybe The Monster Squad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:47] Like, I don't know what...

[1:12:49] Yeah, I mean,

[1:12:49] there's...

[1:12:50] Don't get me wrong, Stuart.

[1:12:52] There are too many movies

[1:12:52] where I think of where I'm like,

[1:12:54] yeah, that would be like that,

[1:12:55] except I have more respect

[1:12:56] for that movie

[1:12:56] than I think you do

[1:12:57] for, like,

[1:12:58] Invisible Maniac.

[1:12:59] I feel like even, like,

[1:13:00] Gremlins 2,

[1:13:01] the new match.

[1:13:02] Like, Gremlins 2,

[1:13:03] the new match

[1:13:03] is a genuinely brilliant movie

[1:13:05] that I love.

[1:13:06] Like, I wouldn't ever recommend

[1:13:07] that as, like, a joke,

[1:13:08] but maybe I'd recommend, like,

[1:13:10] even, like,

[1:13:10] Return of the Living Dead

[1:13:11] I think is great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:12] You know, like...

[1:13:13] I think you guys are suggesting

[1:13:14] I'm recommending these movies

[1:13:15] as a joke.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:16] And I think you're stupid.

[1:13:18] I think you're...

[1:13:19] You're recommending them for real,

[1:13:20] but you're not like,

[1:13:21] these are the best movies.

[1:13:22] Or I don't know,

[1:13:23] maybe you are.

[1:13:23] But, like,

[1:13:24] I want to say a movie

[1:13:26] like Teen Wolf,

[1:13:27] which I think is totally dumb,

[1:13:29] but as a kid,

[1:13:29] I watched it over and over again.

[1:13:30] Yeah, Teen Wolf's a good pick.

[1:13:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:33] But I can't think

[1:13:33] of two other ones.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:35] So, okay,

[1:13:35] so we're...

[1:13:36] I don't know,

Dan McCoy

[1:13:36] a movie about a teenage wolf

[1:13:37] is so amazing,

[1:13:38] but it probably

[1:13:39] counts as three movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:40] Who surfs on a van?

[1:13:41] Let's not forget that.

[1:13:42] So we're in Teen Wolf, okay?

[1:13:43] I'm not one of the characters.

[1:13:44] Maybe I'm Boof.

[1:13:45] Who gives a shit?

[1:13:46] You're clearly Styles.

[1:13:47] One of you guys is Styles

[1:13:48] and one of you guys is Teen Wolf.

[1:13:49] I can't be Styles.

[1:13:50] Who's gonna be which?

[1:13:52] I think Dan would be Teen Wolf.

[1:13:54] I think you'd be Styles, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:55] I could see it going either way.

[1:13:57] Wait, Elliot is Styles?

[1:13:58] You wanna be Styles?

[1:13:59] Styles, one,

[1:14:00] never has sex.

[1:14:01] Two,

[1:14:02] is not a werewolf.

[1:14:03] You wanna be the Teen Wolf,

[1:14:04] but I could see it going either way.

[1:14:06] Yeah.

[1:14:06] Because both me and Michael J. Fox

[1:14:08] have no business

[1:14:09] being on a basketball team.

[1:14:10] Since we're both about three foot six.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:12] I think we should go get a van,

[1:14:14] rent a van.

[1:14:15] Okay, one of you guys

[1:14:15] has good credit, right?

[1:14:16] It's the only way to test this.

[1:14:17] So let's rent a van

[1:14:18] and you guys both have to

[1:14:19] surf on top of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:20] Sure, and then we both

[1:14:20] have to walk around

[1:14:21] with a shirt on that says

[1:14:22] What are you looking at?

[1:14:23] Dick knows.

[1:14:24] Okay.

[1:14:24] See who wears it better.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:25] And then, yeah,

[1:14:26] I'll interview people on the street

[1:14:27] as to who looked more comfortable

[1:14:28] in both roles.

[1:14:29] We'll put it in us weekly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:31] Okay.

[1:14:32] We have to go into-

[1:14:34] Both of us weekly?

[1:14:35] Into a liquor store

[1:14:36] and try to con them

[1:14:37] into selling us a keg of beer.

[1:14:39] We'll see who's successful

[1:14:40] and who's not successful.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:41] Okay, so these are

[1:14:42] pretty clear criteria.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:44] Yeah, I mean,

[1:14:44] it's pretty easy to decide

[1:14:45] who's a Stiles and who's a-

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:46] Okay, let's wrap this podcast up

[1:14:47] so we can do this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:48] Which one of us is a total geek loser

[1:14:49] who, when he enters a party situation,

[1:14:52] becomes the king ringmaster

[1:14:53] that everybody listens to?

[1:14:54] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:55] Because that's Stiles.

[1:14:56] Yeah.

[1:14:56] And which one of us is a quiet guy

[1:14:58] who becomes a werewolf

[1:14:59] who's in a Civil War play?

[1:15:00] Because that's the Tegan-Wolf.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:03] Yeah, it's a tough one.

[1:15:04] I feel like they both have

[1:15:05] their advantages and disadvantages.

[1:15:07] Jack?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:08] I mean, that's why

[1:15:09] it's such a great movie.

[1:15:09] One of them is not clearly better.

[1:15:11] That's why it's a challenging question.

[1:15:13] It's hard to pick.

[1:15:14] I mean, the same thing-

[1:15:14] I feel like in an all-male relationship,

[1:15:16] the person has to ask himself,

[1:15:17] in this relationship,

[1:15:18] am I the Teen Wolf or the Stiles?

[1:15:20] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:21] And it's-

[1:15:22] There's a lot-

[1:15:22] You have to hold up that mirror,

[1:15:23] that wolf-colored mirror.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:25] Or Stiles-colored mirror.

[1:15:26] Who knows?

[1:15:27] Maybe you're just his dad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:28] That's super philosophical.

[1:15:30] I'm gonna be the dad in this case.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:31] You'll be the dad who's kind of like-

[1:15:33] I'm like an older, proud wolf.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:35] He's like the poor man's version

[1:15:38] of the dad from Gremlins.

[1:15:39] I mean, I'd be more like

[1:15:40] the Coors Light Beer Wolf, probably, but-

Dan McCoy

[1:15:43] Who's the actor?

[1:15:44] Who's Francis from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:47] Oh, that's a good question.

[1:15:49] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:49] Because he's not-

[1:15:50] Well, he's kind of a non-entity in the movie.

[1:15:51] He's in it, but he's certainly

[1:15:53] not a Francis-type character.

[1:15:54] We don't have that many characters

[1:15:55] on our podcast.

[1:15:56] Here's the question I have about Teen Wolf,

[1:15:58] and it's something I've wondered before,

[1:15:59] maybe on the podcast.

[1:16:00] Yeah.

[1:16:00] Maybe Joubin?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:02] Why does being a wolf

[1:16:03] make you better at basketball?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:04] Well, that's clearly-

[1:16:06] It's easy.

[1:16:06] Jumping ability.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:07] Jumping.

[1:16:08] He's got mad ups.

[1:16:08] He can smell the ball.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:11] Yeah.

[1:16:11] He's using all of his senses.

[1:16:12] He can hear the dribbling.

[1:16:14] So, but here's the thing.

[1:16:15] You would think that they're playing teams

[1:16:17] from other schools.

[1:16:18] You would think word would eventually

[1:16:20] get out to the media-

[1:16:21] We've talked about this like a zillion times.

[1:16:23] That there is a werewolf on the team.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:24] Somebody would-

[1:16:25] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:16:25] The school fucking paper comes up like,

[1:16:28] what are the ethics of using a werewolf

[1:16:31] in basketball?

[1:16:31] It's just amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:32] It's like the local news, like,

[1:16:35] just treats it as like a color story.

[1:16:37] Like, a local high school

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:39] has a bit of a different sort of player.

[1:16:43] They thought they were in a hairy situation.

[1:16:45] Oh, it's gonna make hairy situation fun.

[1:16:48] But now they're howling

[1:16:49] all the way to the state championships.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:53] I'm just saying.

[1:16:54] Local school has a player

[1:16:56] that wolfs down cheeseburgers.

[1:16:59] His name is Jughead.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:01] And he's not a player.

[1:17:03] He's just a guy with an inside-out hat

[1:17:06] that looks like a crown.

[1:17:07] He's a guy who wears a crown around.

[1:17:09] He's just a guy who has the same face

[1:17:11] but different hair as one of the teachers,

[1:17:13] Miss Grundy.

[1:17:14] And also looks exactly like his own girlfriend.

[1:17:17] He's just a guy who owns a dog

[1:17:19] with a time-traveling doghouse.

[1:17:21] Look it up.

[1:17:22] It happens.

[1:17:25] He's just a guy who thinks

[1:17:26] girls are gross

[1:17:27] but burgers are great.

[1:17:29] Film at 11.

[1:17:30] Why are you bringing us

[1:17:31] a film of teenagers eating?

[1:17:33] We're not gonna run this.

[1:17:34] Why did you cut a promo for it already?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:39] So did he earn that crown?

[1:17:43] Was it given to him?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:44] It's just a hat turned inside.

[1:17:45] Wait a minute.

[1:17:46] What?

[1:17:47] Like Leo Gorsi used to wear

[1:17:48] in the Bowery Boys movies.

[1:17:51] So you just think

[1:17:53] the teams are always surprised

[1:17:55] they're playing a wolf.

[1:17:55] You'd think one of the coaches

[1:17:56] would tip off another coach.

[1:17:58] Hey, one thing you should know,

[1:18:00] there's a wolf on their team

[1:18:01] so I don't know,

[1:18:02] like put silver on the ball

[1:18:03] so he can't touch it.

[1:18:04] Sure.

[1:18:06] Cover it in that popular

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:08] Wolf's Bane energy drink.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:12] I'm just saying like

[1:18:13] if they throwed a ball to him,

[1:18:15] somebody should just beat him to death

[1:18:16] with a silver-headed cane.

[1:18:18] It's the only way

[1:18:18] you're gonna win this game.

[1:18:20] Or what if the other team

[1:18:21] started courting other monsters

[1:18:23] so a school shows up

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:24] with a fucking great dude.

[1:18:27] That would have been

[1:18:27] like we got a mummy,

[1:18:29] he's slow as shit

[1:18:29] but he's super tough.

[1:18:30] He's super tall.

[1:18:31] He doesn't get tired at all.

[1:18:32] His science monster is super tall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:34] Yeah.

[1:18:34] He's not super coordinated

[1:18:36] but that's the thing,

[1:18:36] he's just on defense.

[1:18:38] Yeah.

[1:18:39] Dracula can turn into a mist.

[1:18:40] You think that won't help him dunk?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:42] Creature from the Black Lagoon

[1:18:44] can lick up everybody's sweat

[1:18:45] or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:46] You don't know.

[1:18:47] I don't think you understand

[1:18:48] what that monster does.

[1:18:50] What about,

[1:18:51] do we have a place?

[1:18:51] The Invisible Man

Dan McCoy

[1:18:52] would be very useful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:53] He'd be fantastic

[1:18:54] but you'd never know

[1:18:55] if he was traveling or not.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:56] Yeah, you wouldn't know

[1:18:56] whether he's open,

[1:18:57] you wouldn't know anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:58] That's one of his advantages.

[1:18:59] It's not like the ref's

[1:19:00] gonna call it.

[1:19:01] He's gonna be like

[1:19:02] that pass is just really slow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:04] Invisible Man

[1:19:06] is just pretending

[1:19:07] to be the wind

[1:19:08] moving the ball.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:08] And then the referee

[1:19:10] like rubs his eyes

[1:19:12] and he goes

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:12] eat her, eat her

[1:19:13] and he like looks at it.

[1:19:14] Pulls out a flask.

[1:19:15] Never again.

[1:19:16] Never again.

[1:19:17] You shouldn't have been

[1:19:18] drinking during the game

[1:19:19] anyway, Mr. Ref.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:21] He throws it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:22] I'll allow it.

[1:19:23] He throws it together.

[1:19:24] You can't allow it for drinking.

[1:19:25] Glug, glug, glug.

[1:19:26] You're not a judge.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:30] There's a team

[1:19:31] as a Godzilla.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:33] Godzilla would be amazing.

[1:19:34] He just gets the ball once,

[1:19:35] drops it in the net.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:36] And then roasts everybody

[1:19:38] with a blast of flame

[1:19:39] from his mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:41] Now what monsters

[1:19:41] would be bad?

[1:19:42] Clearly the Metaluna Mutant

[1:19:43] from this island earth

[1:19:44] because his hands

[1:19:44] are just kind of like clamps.

[1:19:45] The blob would not be good.

[1:19:47] It would just absorb the ball.

[1:19:48] Yeah, that would be terrible.

[1:19:49] And then no one could get it.

[1:19:50] Yeah.

[1:19:50] Those are bad monsters.

[1:19:51] The fly, again, not good.

[1:19:53] He's only got one human hand.

[1:19:54] He can fly though.

[1:19:56] Can he fly?

[1:19:56] Not really.

[1:19:57] He's got a big fly head.

[1:19:59] The Jeff Goldblum fly

[1:20:00] can stick to walls, I guess.

[1:20:02] But it's also,

[1:20:02] you know deep down

[1:20:03] there's a Jeff Goldblum down there.

[1:20:06] Eventually,

[1:20:07] that's the thing is,

[1:20:07] he's like dribbling the ball

[1:20:09] and then he pulls

[1:20:09] one of his own teeth out

[1:20:10] and throws it away, you know.

[1:20:12] Yeah, don't need that anymore.

[1:20:16] So I think we've figured out

[1:20:18] that one.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:20] Yeah, so thank you

[1:20:21] for that question

[1:20:22] that turned into another thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:25] In such a way

[1:20:26] that I don't even remember

[1:20:27] what we were first

[1:20:27] being asked about.

[1:20:28] I feel like we could easily

[1:20:29] do a podcast just about Teen Wolf.

[1:20:30] Not even like the Teen Wolf.

[1:20:31] Oh, I thought you meant

Dan McCoy

[1:20:32] about like monsters

[1:20:33] various sports abilities.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:34] Well, that too.

[1:20:35] We haven't even gotten

[1:20:35] into baseball yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:38] So thanks for everyone

[1:20:39] who wrote in

[1:20:40] and again,

[1:20:41] thanks for everyone

[1:20:42] who sent us things

[1:20:44] and remember those plugs.

[1:20:46] Those were fun too.

[1:20:47] Yeah, yeah.

[1:20:48] Why not?

[1:20:49] Are we done?

[1:20:50] No, we got to do our last thing.

[1:20:51] We got to recommend stuff.

[1:20:52] Recommend movies

[1:20:53] that we saw

[1:20:54] that we actually liked.

[1:20:55] I'll go first

[1:20:56] and I'll try to make it fast.

[1:20:58] I saw a movie

[1:20:59] that was not a little movie.

[1:21:01] It was a big blockbuster movie

[1:21:02] and I saw it yesterday

[1:21:04] and it was called Spectre.

[1:21:06] It was the most recent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:07] Oh, the movie about the Spectre,

[1:21:09] the DC character.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:09] Yeah, that's right.

[1:21:10] He's a ghost police detective

[1:21:13] or something, right?

[1:21:13] He's a ghost cop, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:14] Most recent James Bond movie.

[1:21:16] Probably the last Daniel Craig movie

[1:21:18] unless they back up a book.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:21] Hello, hello, it's me.

[1:21:22] I'm dead, Daniel Craig.

[1:21:23] Did Daniel Craig retire from filmmaking?

[1:21:25] Why is he not making more movies?

[1:21:25] He just doesn't want to make

Dan McCoy

[1:21:27] more James Bond movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:28] Oh, the last Daniel Craig James Bond movie.

[1:21:31] That's right.

[1:21:32] Looks like someone needs to be clear

[1:21:33] with his language.

[1:21:34] Dan, I have an essay for you.

[1:21:35] It's called

[1:21:35] The English Politics and the Language.

[1:21:37] I think I might have been

Dan McCoy

[1:21:39] in the process of getting to that

[1:21:41] when I was being interrupted,

[1:21:42] but I don't know.

[1:21:45] Here's the thing.

[1:21:46] I feel like Skyfall was a little overrated

[1:21:50] and that this movie...

[1:21:52] Whoa, hot take.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:53] You mean you didn't love him

[1:21:54] turning out to be Batman?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:56] Yeah, I feel like...

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:58] Batman in a kind of

[1:21:59] Home Alone type scenario?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:00] I feel like that movie...

[1:22:02] That movie started out...

[1:22:04] That's a really good selling point.

[1:22:05] Started out well

[1:22:06] and then got a weird mix

[1:22:08] of super dour and super goofy.

[1:22:10] Up to the moment

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:10] he calls in the radio

[1:22:12] to come get Javier Bardem

[1:22:14] on Smuggler's Island,

[1:22:15] it's a great movie.

[1:22:16] Yeah.

[1:22:17] And everything after that point

[1:22:18] descends over time.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:20] Yeah.

[1:22:21] And Spectre has a little bit

[1:22:22] of that problem too.

[1:22:23] At the very end of the movie

[1:22:24] it gets super goofy

[1:22:25] and there's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:26] It turns into one of those

[1:22:27] old 60s comedies

[1:22:28] where everybody's chasing each other

Dan McCoy

[1:22:29] in little buggies.

[1:22:30] It turns into the original version

[1:22:32] of Casino Royale.

[1:22:34] David Niven

[1:22:35] and Woody Allen

[1:22:36] and Woody Allen come out.

[1:22:36] Woody Allen's just hiccuping

[1:22:37] all over the place.

[1:22:38] No, it has the problem

[1:22:40] that a lot of modern

[1:22:41] action movies do

[1:22:42] where they think

[1:22:43] everything has to get

[1:22:44] super personal.

[1:22:45] There has to be

[1:22:45] a super personal reason

[1:22:46] behind everything

[1:22:47] to a ridiculous degree.

[1:22:49] And I won't get into spoilers

[1:22:50] but suffice it to say

[1:22:52] it's stupid.

[1:22:53] But I enjoyed Spectre

[1:22:55] more overall

[1:22:56] than I enjoyed Skyfall.

[1:22:57] I feel like it balanced

[1:23:00] the tones

[1:23:01] of a James Bond movie

[1:23:02] better than anything

[1:23:03] since Casino Royale.

[1:23:05] It was the new version

[1:23:07] of James Bond

[1:23:08] but it was still

[1:23:08] retro and silly

[1:23:10] and fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:11] Was it like Moonraker?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:12] It was not like Moonraker.

[1:23:13] No, that's too bad.

[1:23:14] But it was very exciting

[1:23:16] and it had

[1:23:18] a lot of really great

[1:23:21] action sequences.

[1:23:21] It's got the Balooch in it too.

[1:23:23] It's got the Balooch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:25] Monica Balooch

[1:23:26] or the Balooch

[1:23:27] as her fans call it.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:28] I thought that was

[1:23:28] Jim Balooch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:30] That's the Balooch.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:31] This is the Balooch.

[1:23:32] And it's got maybe

[1:23:33] the most intense scene

[1:23:37] of let's strap James Bond

[1:23:38] to a thing

[1:23:38] and have it slowly

[1:23:40] attack him

[1:23:42] since Goldfinger.

[1:23:44] Oh, that sounds great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:45] That's a long time since.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:47] I enjoyed it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:48] Is it also crotch related

[1:23:49] like in Goldfinger?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:51] It's meant

[1:23:52] to shoot off his weenus.

[1:23:53] Let's call it the mental crotch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:54] Okay.

[1:23:55] I guess the mind

[1:23:55] is the largest

[1:23:56] oraginous.

[1:23:57] Yeah, that makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:58] So I enjoyed that movie.

[1:23:59] Spectre.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:00] I'm going to recommend

[1:24:00] two movies.

[1:24:01] One old, one new.

[1:24:02] One of them

[1:24:03] is related to the movie

[1:24:04] we watched today

[1:24:05] kind of

[1:24:05] in that it's about

[1:24:06] parents and teens

[1:24:07] and it's a movie

[1:24:08] that I watched recently

[1:24:09] called Grandma

[1:24:10] starring Lily Tomlin.

[1:24:11] Called Gremlins.

[1:24:12] Called Gremlins.

[1:24:13] It's about parents

[1:24:14] who should not dress up

[1:24:15] as Santa Claus

[1:24:15] and try to go down the chimney

[1:24:16] because they'll get stuck.

[1:24:18] And Lily Tomlin

[1:24:19] is an old lady

[1:24:21] who is still mourning

[1:24:23] the death of her

[1:24:24] longtime partner.

[1:24:25] And her granddaughter

[1:24:27] shows up one day

[1:24:28] and needs money

[1:24:28] for an abortion

[1:24:29] because she's pregnant.

[1:24:30] And they go on a kind of like

[1:24:31] picaresque travelogue

[1:24:33] to get the money for it.

[1:24:34] It's a kind of

[1:24:34] small scale movie

[1:24:36] that is

[1:24:37] there's a little bit

[1:24:38] of too much of a touch

[1:24:39] of the sassy grandma

[1:24:40] in it.

[1:24:41] but I found it

[1:24:42] genuinely funny

[1:24:43] and by the end of it

[1:24:46] it was more about

[1:24:47] characters

[1:24:47] not making stupid decisions

[1:24:50] but instead

[1:24:50] being like

[1:24:51] you know what

[1:24:52] recognizing their

[1:24:52] kind of

[1:24:53] unnecessarily hostile

[1:24:55] behavior to each other

[1:24:56] and trying to change

[1:24:57] and I like that about it.

[1:24:58] So I thought

[1:24:59] it was a good little movie.

[1:25:00] But this is related

[1:25:01] to Dan's recommendation.

[1:25:03] A movie I'd been

[1:25:03] putting off watching

[1:25:04] for a long time

[1:25:05] and finally did

[1:25:05] was the classic spy movie

[1:25:07] The Ipcris File.

[1:25:08] Oh that's a good one.

[1:25:09] Which I really enjoyed a lot.

[1:25:10] It's very clearly

[1:25:12] the anti-Bond movie

[1:25:13] in that it is

[1:25:14] kind of a dour

[1:25:15] movie about a guy

[1:25:18] whose life is not

[1:25:19] very glamorous

[1:25:19] as a spy

[1:25:20] but there's still

[1:25:21] a lot of really funny

[1:25:22] parts in it.

[1:25:23] And it managed to be funny

[1:25:24] without being silly

[1:25:25] or non-bleak

[1:25:27] which I liked about it.

[1:25:28] So grandma

[1:25:29] for

[1:25:30] if you want to watch

[1:25:30] a new movie

[1:25:31] The Ipcris File

[1:25:32] you'll watch an old movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:34] Okay

[1:25:34] and now it's my turn.

[1:25:36] I'm Stuart.

[1:25:38] a movie from

[1:25:40] Thanks for rebranding.

[1:25:41] Anyone who's coming now.

[1:25:44] For anybody

[1:25:45] just tuning in now

[1:25:46] I'm Stuart.

[1:25:47] a movie.

[1:25:48] This one is

[1:25:49] you guys can correct me

[1:25:50] if I'm wrong

[1:25:51] an Ozploitation joint.

[1:25:53] Okay.

[1:25:54] It's a little movie

[1:25:54] called Razorback.

[1:25:56] Called The Wizard of Oz.

[1:25:57] Now this movie

[1:25:58] Razorback was

[1:25:59] sent to me

[1:26:00] as a Blu-ray disc

[1:26:02] from listener

[1:26:03] I'm going to butcher

[1:26:05] this name

[1:26:05] and I probably

[1:26:06] said it before

[1:26:06] Cal Scuthorp.

[1:26:09] Sounds right.

[1:26:10] It took me a little while

[1:26:11] to pop it into

[1:26:12] my old Blu-ray player

[1:26:13] because it was

[1:26:14] a non-American DVD

[1:26:16] I think

[1:26:17] and I was nervous

[1:26:18] that it wasn't

[1:26:19] going to play

[1:26:19] but I popped it in

[1:26:21] and play it did

[1:26:22] and boy

[1:26:23] did I enjoy it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:24] And thus

[1:26:24] ended the quest

[1:26:25] of the Razorback disc.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:29] It is about

[1:26:30] a giant

[1:26:31] Razorback

[1:26:32] that is

[1:26:32] tearing shit up

[1:26:33] in the Outback.

[1:26:35] This old guy

[1:26:36] starts a quest

[1:26:37] to try and kill it

[1:26:38] because this giant

[1:26:39] Razorback

[1:26:39] comes and

[1:26:40] takes away

[1:26:42] his grandson

[1:26:42] and then it

[1:26:43] puts him on trial

[1:26:44] for doing something

[1:26:45] to his grandson.

[1:26:47] And so he

[1:26:48] starts his quest

[1:26:49] for vengeance

[1:26:50] to kill all Razorbacks.

[1:26:51] In the middle

[1:26:52] there's a couple

[1:26:53] of goofy

[1:26:53] like wacky

[1:26:54] colorful

[1:26:55] Australian characters

[1:26:57] who are both

[1:26:58] like hunters

[1:26:59] and also

[1:26:59] just like

[1:27:00] general weirdo

[1:27:01] dickheads.

[1:27:02] Some Americans

[1:27:03] come and try

[1:27:04] and figure their

[1:27:04] way around

[1:27:05] Australia

[1:27:06] and they realize

[1:27:07] that it is

[1:27:08] a wacky place.

[1:27:09] I totally

[1:27:10] recommend Razorback

[1:27:11] watch that piece.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:13] Alright.

[1:27:14] Well thank you

[1:27:15] Stuart.

[1:27:16] I did it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:17] Thank you.

[1:27:18] You did it.

[1:27:19] I did it.

[1:27:19] You made it happen.

[1:27:20] So this one

[1:27:22] we're done.

[1:27:22] We haven't

[1:27:23] said this

[1:27:24] much

[1:27:25] but I do

[1:27:25] want to say

[1:27:25] that

[1:27:26] I mean we are

[1:27:27] I want to say

[1:27:28] a shout out

[1:27:29] to our network

[1:27:29] MaxFun.

[1:27:30] Oh yeah.

[1:27:31] There's a lot

[1:27:31] of great shows.

[1:27:33] I've been spending

[1:27:33] a lot of time

[1:27:34] listening to

[1:27:35] all the shows

[1:27:36] on our network.

[1:27:37] Lately I've been

[1:27:37] checking out

[1:27:38] Stop Podcasting

[1:27:39] Yourself

[1:27:39] with Dave

[1:27:41] and Graham

[1:27:42] a couple

[1:27:42] of Canadian

[1:27:43] comedians

[1:27:43] and there's

[1:27:44] something about

[1:27:44] the way

[1:27:44] Graham laughs

[1:27:46] this like

[1:27:46] crazy

[1:27:47] wheezing

[1:27:47] laugh

[1:27:49] that is

[1:27:50] so funny

[1:27:51] and I can't

[1:27:52] just like

[1:27:53] I just want

[1:27:53] to hear him

[1:27:54] laugh a lot.

[1:27:56] There's something

[1:27:56] so endearing

[1:27:57] about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:58] The most recent

[1:27:58] episode includes

[1:27:59] a shout out

[1:28:00] Elliot to

[1:28:01] yourself

[1:28:02] and myself

[1:28:04] from Mr. Al Madrigal

[1:28:05] who's the guest.

[1:28:07] That's very nice.

[1:28:08] I haven't listened to it yet.

[1:28:09] I probably got a shout out

[1:28:10] too right?

[1:28:12] I mean it would be

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:14] hard since he's

[1:28:15] never met you.

[1:28:16] And he actively

[1:28:17] was trying to

[1:28:17] replace you

[1:28:18] on our podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:20] So he didn't

[1:28:20] say anything

[1:28:21] like nice about me?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:23] I mean he didn't

[1:28:23] say anything bad

[1:28:24] about you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:24] I guess

[1:28:25] nothing bad

[1:28:26] is the next

[1:28:27] best thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:28] Yeah he's a great

[1:28:29] guy.

[1:28:29] It's like Oscar Wilde

[1:28:30] said the only thing

[1:28:31] worse than not

[1:28:32] being talked about

[1:28:33] is if someone

[1:28:34] says something

[1:28:34] bad about you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:35] Oh he did

[1:28:36] say that about me.

[1:28:37] Yeah.

[1:28:38] I got wallpaper

[1:28:39] that says that on it.

[1:28:40] And he said the

[1:28:41] wallpaper has to go

[1:28:42] where I do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:43] Yeah.

[1:28:43] And then he killed

[1:28:44] someone.

[1:28:45] And he put their

[1:28:46] body in the bed

[1:28:47] and said Oscar Wilde's

[1:28:48] dead and he ran off.

[1:28:49] Debt's were clear.

[1:28:50] That is a great

[1:28:51] Oscar Wilde movie.

[1:28:53] Much more sodomy

[1:28:54] for me.

[1:28:56] And then he jumped

[1:28:58] off a cliff and his

[1:28:58] parachute opened up

[1:29:00] and it was a big

[1:29:00] image of the Union

[1:29:01] Jack with someone

[1:29:02] committing sodomy.

[1:29:03] With an anus

[1:29:04] in the middle of it.

[1:29:09] Important to being

[1:29:09] earnest.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:10] Oscar Wilde will

[1:29:13] return in lots of

[1:29:15] balls.

[1:29:16] Whoa.

[1:29:17] I'm trying to go

[1:29:17] off Thunderballs.

[1:29:18] I don't know.

[1:29:19] Thunderball.

[1:29:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:20] Like a single

[1:29:21] ball.

[1:29:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:23] One ball.

[1:29:24] I'm not Cubby

[1:29:25] Broccoli.

[1:29:25] I didn't title the

[1:29:26] movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:26] The most erotic

[1:29:27] part of the man's

[1:29:28] anatomy.

[1:29:29] The ball.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:33] Now I want you to

[1:29:34] do a coffee table

[1:29:34] book based on that.

[1:29:35] Yeah.

[1:29:36] It would be only

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:38] in a singular.

[1:29:38] It would be like

[1:29:39] those Tashin books.

[1:29:40] As a binary it is

[1:29:41] uninteresting.

[1:29:42] Testicle.

[1:29:44] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:45] For some reason no

[1:29:46] one ever buys it but

[1:29:47] it's in every Barnes

[1:29:48] and Noble.

[1:29:49] On display no less.

[1:29:53] Well.

[1:29:54] Somebody goes into

[1:29:54] the Strand and they

[1:29:55] buy it but they still

[1:29:56] always have a sticker

[1:29:57] stuck to the cover with

[1:29:58] the discount price on it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:58] I mean I'd see it

[1:29:59] every time I'm walking

[1:30:00] past to go to the

[1:30:00] mango section.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:02] We got to explain this

[1:30:04] to you again Stu.

[1:30:05] And we also have to

[1:30:06] go divvy up some

[1:30:08] delightful DVDs from

[1:30:09] Keith Phipps so we

[1:30:10] should sign off.

[1:30:11] Digital video

[1:30:11] divvies.

[1:30:13] For the Flophouse I've

[1:30:14] been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:15] Hey I'm still

[1:30:16] Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:18] And when you listen

[1:30:18] to this I'll probably

[1:30:19] still be Elliot Kalin

[1:30:20] but call me to check

[1:30:21] and find out.

[1:30:22] Good night everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:29] Get it out of your

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:32] systems now?

[1:30:33] No no I'm getting it

[1:30:33] into my systems.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:34] Doing some jokes.

[1:30:36] Making a system of jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:38] System of a jokes of a

[1:30:39] down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:40] Doing it joke ways.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:42] Da da da da da da.

[1:30:43] Joke jokes.

[1:30:45] They're gonna make their

[1:30:47] jokes come true.

[1:30:50] The Flophouse.

[1:30:51] Rated R.

[1:30:53] Alright.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:55] Is praying at.

[1:30:57] The Church.

[1:30:58] Of Flophouses.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:02] Maximumfun.org.

[1:31:04] Comedy and culture.

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[1:31:06] Listener supported.

[1:31:07] Hi I'm Mark.

[1:31:08] And I'm Hal.

[1:31:09] And we're the hosts

[1:31:09] of We Got This.

[1:31:11] The show that offers

[1:31:12] definitive answers to

[1:31:13] dumb debates that you

[1:31:14] suggest.

Justin McElroy

[1:31:15] Every Wednesday we

[1:31:16] discuss the hot button

[1:31:17] topics you never knew

[1:31:18] you cared so much about.

[1:31:20] Like whether you should

[1:31:20] pick ketchup on a hot dog.

[1:31:22] What's the best Star Wars

[1:31:23] movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:23] Whether it's better to be

[1:31:24] too hot or too cold.

[1:31:26] Coke or Pepsi?

[1:31:27] Best Marvel movie.

[1:31:28] Which is the best religion?

[1:31:29] I told you we're not

[1:31:30] doing that one.

Justin McElroy

[1:31:31] So join us every week

[1:31:33] on MaximumFun.org

[1:31:34] and don't worry everyone

[1:31:36] we got this.

[1:31:37] We got this.

[1:31:38] We got this.

Ep. #191 - Men, Women & Children

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