Ep. #193 - United Passions

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss United Passions.

Stuart Wellington

[0:05] And by the end of this episode, you're going to be shouting,

Dan McCoy

[0:08] Goal!

Elliott Kalan

[0:13] So when you told us, I've got an idea for the intro, what you meant was you didn't.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:48] Hey there, Dan McCoy. I am Stuart Wellington.

[0:52] Hey Robo-Stew, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:55] And I am David Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[0:58] Satan, get thee behind me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00] Alright, my job is done.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] You know, I predict, when I was imagining this intro,

[1:07] I was imagining Elliot reacting exactly like that when it happened.

S3

[1:11] But that happens when we have family functions too. It is not exclusive to this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14] Is it my fault you look like Satan and I'd rather have you behind me?

[1:17] You know, Satan was so handsome.

[1:19] Now here's the thing, why do you want Satan to get behind you?

[1:21] Don't you want him in front of you where you can see where he's going?

[1:23] Yeah, you'd think he'd be like a rogue and have a powerful backstab attack.

S3

[1:27] Yeah, no, but don't you like, I think you're just hoping that he follows you in lockstep though, isn't he?

[1:31] To where?

[1:32] Wait, you want him to be your, wait, you want him to be your minion?

Dan McCoy

[1:35] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:37] I don't think that's.

S3

[1:37] How awesome would that be?

Dan McCoy

[1:39] Yeah.

[1:41] Satan, he'll be my wingman with that lady.

[1:44] Oh, alright.

[1:46] I bet she likes bad boys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47] This is one of those kind of fave.

[1:50] Wait, wait, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50] If she likes bad boys, wouldn't she be suckered in by the devil that she's talking to who's

[1:56] trying to big you up?

[1:58] Or are you saying that you're a badder boy than the devil?

[2:00] Yeah, that's the idea.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] If the devil is his wingman, he must be the baddest boy of all.

[2:04] Start producing bad boys three because I've got your star, this guy.

[2:09] Satan's friend.

[2:11] Star in Satan's friend.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] So what could possibly have possessed us?

[2:18] Why would we possibly have David Kalin, the least of the Kalin men?

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[2:24] Sorry.

[2:25] Why would we have David Kalin, our sworn enemy, on this podcast?

S3

[2:29] I just thought you were giving the people what they wanted.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] Which people are you talking about?

S3

[2:33] All people always want me.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] Always.

[2:35] There has been a lot of, the surprising amount of free David Kalin talk.

[2:39] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[2:40] What's interesting about the talk of free David Kalin is it implies that we're somehow

[2:43] keeping him away from somewhere.

S3

[2:44] Oh no, you've had me shackled in like the basement for years.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] Well yeah, when we were kids.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] We had him trapped in a lamp genie style.

[2:54] Oh, so cramped in there.

[2:55] But it was a desk lamp.

Stuart Wellington

[2:58] It was a little roomier than a normal.

[2:59] I like to wear my pants genie style.

[3:02] How is it?

[3:03] Really blousey and billowy.

[3:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:06] It really allows room for things to breathe.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] Yeah, exactly.

[3:09] Like magic.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] And that's why they call him Magic Pants Wellington.

[3:15] Because he keeps a live rabbit in his pants.

Dan McCoy

[3:16] That's why they call him Magic Johnson.

[3:19] Because his Johnson has a lot of magic room to breathe.

[3:21] Because when he would say, let me cast a spell on you with my magic wand.

[3:24] Dan knows about sports too, guys.

S3

[3:27] Is that sports beyond the fact that it's Magic Johnson?

[3:31] But it's not Magic Johnson.

[3:31] Wait, there's a guy named Magic Johnson?

[3:33] Yeah.

[3:34] That's a crazy name.

[3:36] It is.

[3:36] It is crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] Next time you're going to tell me he owns a chain of movie theaters.

S3

[3:39] That's why he's famous.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:41] And that's why you talked about him on the show, right?

[3:44] What?

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] It's this show?

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:46] So let's explain why we have David Kalen on the show tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] Well, guys, it is the heart of December.

[3:52] And as they say, as the colloquialism goes, snow on the ground, play ball.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] Hold on.

[4:00] That's a second.

[4:01] Hold on.

[4:02] That would possibly be a euphemism for them.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] Think about it for a minute.

[4:06] An elderly person.

[4:08] Yeah.

[4:09] That's pretty clear.

[4:11] Someone who is under the mistaken belief that the age of consent is 75.

Stuart Wellington

[4:16] And so we're doing a sports episode, right?

[4:19] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[4:20] Do the curtains match the drapes?

[4:22] Because the drapes are white and snowy.

Stuart Wellington

[4:26] They're mildewy and moth-eaten.

[4:29] Mildewy?

[4:31] Mildewy.

[4:31] I said mildewy wrong, okay?

[4:34] Sue me.

[4:35] Go get a fucking lawyer for kids.

[4:37] I like your mildewy.

[4:38] Yeah.

S3

[4:38] What would mildewy mean?

Elliott Kalan

[4:39] Shakespeare coined his own words.

[4:41] Yeah.

[4:41] Stuart Willington.

[4:42] Good point.

[4:43] That's a great point.

[4:45] Both have the same claim on the English language.

[4:48] So, Stuart, what does mildewy mean?

[4:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:51] Mildewy means that they are falling to pieces.

[4:55] Yeah.

[4:56] Reese's Pieces.

[4:58] That's what an old person turns into.

[4:59] Turns into candy?

[5:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] We've seen this happen so many times.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] So, guys, it's sports time.

[5:06] We're all the Thanksgiving fans fans.

[5:07] It's sports time.

[5:08] The heart of sports time.

[5:09] Whoa.

S3

[5:09] Well, there are a lot of sports in December.

[5:11] Well, there's hockey.

[5:12] There's hockey, basketball, and football.

[5:14] Three of the four major sports are happening right now.

[5:16] And we're going to talk about one of the major-

[5:18] Football was on Thanksgiving.

[5:19] Football is not localized entirely on Thanksgiving.

[5:22] That's not the only day.

[5:23] So, why do people watch it, then?

[5:24] Some people don't watch it on Thanksgiving when their brothers don't let them put it on

[5:27] the TV.

[5:28] That's true.

[5:28] Yeah.

[5:28] It did happen on Thanksgiving.

Stuart Wellington

[5:30] Yeah, fucker.

[5:31] Anyway.

[5:32] Wow.

[5:32] What about that one winter sport where you ride around on skis and then you shoot stuff

[5:36] with a gun?

[5:36] Biathlon?

[5:37] James Bonding?

[5:39] Thank you, Elliot.

[5:40] Yes.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] And then you have a parachute with a Union Jack on it.

[5:43] No matter what country you're from, it's very insulting to the other countries.

[5:47] Well, they don't sell them in other countries.

[5:50] They only sell that one flavor.

[5:52] One flavor of parachute.

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] So, I can get any flag put on this parachute?

[5:59] No.

[5:59] Only the Union Jack.

[6:02] So, why are we talking sports?

[6:04] It's December, sports time, USA.

[6:07] Cage Miss is right around the corner.

[6:09] Cage Miss is coming up.

[6:10] A lot of times, people, Shocktober's over.

[6:14] People start putting up their Cage Miss decorations.

[6:16] They forget about Smallvember.

[6:19] Well, they have more.

[6:20] And they forget about Sportsnember.

Stuart Wellington

[6:23] And Sandalvember.

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] And Sandalvember.

[6:26] So, wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[6:27] Elliot, is this one of those, is this like a Lucy and Ricky situation with you and David?

[6:32] Yeah, because we're letting them.

[6:33] Yeah.

[6:33] We draw lines literally around corners a lot.

[6:35] Wait a minute.

[6:35] They were married on that show?

S3

[6:37] I thought they were brother and brother.

[6:40] Brother and brother.

[6:41] Brother and brother.

[6:42] Wow.

[6:42] You did not think much of Lucille Ball, did you?

[6:46] Anyway.

[6:46] Speaking of balls, soccer balls.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] Soccer balls.

[6:49] Yeah.

[6:49] Which Lucille Ball was not one of.

[6:51] Now, this was, we watched a sports movie tonight.

[6:53] David, can you tell us a little bit about what sport it was?

[6:55] I thought it was fencing.

S3

[6:56] Yeah, I would say that we would watch the sports movie, except there were almost no sports in

[7:01] the sports movie.

[7:02] But it was about soccer.

Stuart Wellington

[7:05] Tonight we watched United Passions.

[7:08] Starring Joan Severance.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] And Shannon Tweed.

[7:11] And Shannon Worry.

[7:13] Together for once.

[7:15] The two Shannons.

[7:17] Throw Shannon Darty in there.

[7:19] Get some three Shannons in there.

[7:21] In the movie, we had to call three Shannons in a fountain.

[7:25] We pushed them in a fountain.

Stuart Wellington

[7:28] So wait, United Passions was the tagline?

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] Oh no, they were in burlap sacks.

[7:32] Okay.

[7:33] The tagline was, that's a lot of Shannons.

Stuart Wellington

[7:37] Said by like a Mario character.

[7:40] That's a spicy Shannon, he said.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] And then he went down a pipe into a world filled with turtles.

[7:49] What else are you going to find in pipes?

[7:50] Yeah, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[7:52] I don't know.

[7:52] So, David, you know about soccer, right?

[7:55] A little bit, yeah.

[7:56] Okay, so why did we watch this movie again?

S3

[8:00] I think we watched it because we all wanted to torture ourselves for like an hour and 45 minutes or so.

Stuart Wellington

[8:07] This movie got really bad reviews, right?

[8:09] It did, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] It was, you might call it even a flop.

S3

[8:13] Oh, I see what you did there.

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] What's the, what's the, what's the title?

[8:16] I don't.

[8:17] Is that what the title is?

[8:18] So this movie is about the history of FIFA, an international soccer organization named after a small French dog.

[8:24] And it is, it happened to be released the same week that FIFA was revealed to be a horribly corrupt organization that takes lots of bribes.

S3

[8:35] I wouldn't say it was like revealed that week.

[8:36] I think people knew it for years.

[8:39] I didn't.

[8:39] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[8:40] And I'm a regular soccer watching guy.

S3

[8:43] You're a real hooligan type figure.

[8:44] I'm a real goal head.

[8:45] It was, it was released, I don't know if it was the week of, but in very short proximity to when FIFA's headquarters got stormed by the Swiss authorities earlier this year.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] Wait, so Storm was there?

S3

[8:55] Yeah, Storm was there.

[8:56] That was how they provided cover for the agents to go.

[8:59] She got it very dark.

[9:00] A lot of clouds rolled in.

Stuart Wellington

[9:01] Mm-hmm.

[9:02] Okay.

[9:02] And FIFA's defense was lacking.

[9:05] They could use a real goalkeeper.

[9:08] Someone's not a soccer match.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] And foul.

[9:11] Red card.

[9:13] Yep.

S3

[9:14] Offside.

[9:15] That is a term they use, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] Touchdown.

S3

[9:17] No, that is not a term they use.

Elliott Kalan

[9:19] Overruled.

[9:20] Objection.

[9:20] I'll allow it.

[9:21] You got soccered.

Stuart Wellington

[9:23] You got soccered is a term they use, yeah.

[9:25] Step up to the soccer field.

[9:27] Dan, how many times did you forget the name of this movie while you watched it?

Dan McCoy

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:32] No, I definitely was like, fateful, something's magical.

S3

[9:37] Were you just trying to come up with every random term for a late night Skinamax movie title you could and assumed it was right?

[9:44] Lovable occasions.

[9:46] Supreme sacrifices.

Elliott Kalan

[9:48] Ball-a-rama.

[9:52] Balls in your court.

Stuart Wellington

[9:53] Togetherness sports.

[9:56] So the movie opens media res.

Elliott Kalan

[9:58] It does not.

[9:59] It opens far before the res is media.

[10:02] We start in the year 1904, which for me is the year that Teddy Roosevelt was finally elected under his own power, not just becoming president from an assassination.

[10:12] But as Dan mentioned, soccer year zero.

[10:15] Soccer has a problem.

[10:18] Everyone plays it.

[10:19] And yet they're all playing with different rules and they don't have an international governing body to tell them how they're doing at work.

[10:25] Nobody gets money off of it.

[10:27] Nobody's being paid for soccer.

[10:29] And even though rich people love to watch it as seen by the opening.

[10:32] Well, here's how the movie opens.

Stuart Wellington

[10:34] We're like all the top hats in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[10:36] The movie opens with generic footage of children of different races playing soccer together.

[10:44] And we're going to come back to that footage throughout the movie because the tie of the movie is that the main theme is everyone plays soccer.

[10:50] And it's the one thing holding our fragile earth together.

[10:52] Unites us all.

[10:53] Everybody poops and everybody plays soccer.

[10:55] With their poop.

[10:56] It's disgusting.

[10:57] And that's one of the problems people was trying to stamp out was people playing soccer with poop.

[11:01] But not literally stamp out because you don't want to step on poop.

[11:04] It's going to get all hot.

[11:04] It wasn't burning on your front porch.

[11:06] Then you do want to stamp that out.

[11:07] But you don't.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] Otherwise, your house will burn down.

[11:09] It was crazy.

[11:10] The poop's going to get all in the grooves of your shoes.

[11:11] You want a Viking funeral of poop?

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] If that's not a metal album.

[11:17] Viking funeral of poop.

Dan McCoy

[11:18] We're sending this poop off to die.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] Time to cross the Rainbow Bridge to Valhalla.

[11:28] So it opens with a series of letters being traded back and forth between Fisher Stevens and some other dude

[11:35] who are playing the Austrian and French soccer kings, I guess.

[11:42] And they go to England and they want to ask the English to join their international soccer league.

[11:46] The English, as represented by two guys in top hats, one with a monocle in his eye, are not having any of it.

[11:52] The very idea that someone would tell an Englishman how to play soccer is laughable.

[11:56] It sets up a conflict between England and the rest of the world, which never pays off in the film.

[12:02] So then we cut to a meeting where all the other European countries are mad that England didn't join.

[12:07] So they decide they're just going to have their own organization and never let England play in the competitions.

[12:12] They're going to go their own way.

Stuart Wellington

[12:13] It's one of those great scenes you have in movies where everybody's just hanging out in a room with their sleeves rolled up,

[12:20] just drinking and having a good time, handing out jobs and responsibilities.

[12:24] With different accents.

Dan McCoy

[12:25] They're all using different accents, which are kind of the same accent.

S3

[12:28] And then there's this one guy who's like, but we're going to need a general secretary.

[12:31] And they're like, since you came up with that idea, you get to be the general secretary.

[12:34] And it's like, that's not really good.

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:37] There was a point where everybody did do an obnoxious matchup.

[12:39] Bring in the prostitutes.

Elliott Kalan

[12:40] Oh-ho.

[12:42] But the, which I assume is how that scene ended.

[12:45] They just ended it early.

[12:46] They were trying to get across, I think, that this was done for love of the game.

[12:50] That game, foosball.

[12:52] The game that we have not really seen much of.

[12:54] A game played on a tabletop with guys without arms.

[12:58] Those guys would spin around.

Dan McCoy

[12:59] That have a rod through all of their shoulders collectively.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] Back then in 1904, the only way to play soccer, according to, and this is why FIFA needed to come in,

[13:07] was to take men, chop their arms off, and run a steel rod through their shoulders,

[13:12] and spin their corpses or dying bodies around in circles to kick the ball.

[13:17] FIFA said, no more.

[13:19] We will allow people to keep their arms.

[13:21] They can't use them in play, except unless they're goalies, but we will keep their arms.

[13:25] But if that's the one way.

[13:26] They will be independent of each other.

Stuart Wellington

[13:27] But if that's the one way I can provide for my family, you betcha.

[13:30] Chop off my arms.

[13:31] Run that rod through my body.

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] It was a very hard time.

Stuart Wellington

[13:34] That was a good job back then.

[13:34] I want my son to look up to me as I am spun off my corpses, hurled around,

[13:40] occasionally kicking the ball.

Dan McCoy

[13:42] Yeah, and also FIFA had to deal with the problem that sometimes the ball would just get caught between two players.

[13:48] Yeah, no one could reach it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] And you're trying to spin them, and their bodies are...

[13:52] You're trying to jiggle the feet.

S3

[13:53] Yeah, everyone had to jump in the stands to cause enough vibrations.

Elliott Kalan

[13:56] The problem is partly that the bodies have entered rigor mortis,

[13:58] so they're so stiff that they can't even move the feet out of the way to get the ball out of there.

Stuart Wellington

[14:03] One of the other big problems was there would always be one guy at the table

[14:06] who was way more into it than everyone else.

[14:09] And you're like, dude, calm down, stop shouting.

[14:11] I think those were the British guys, wouldn't they?

Dan McCoy

[14:14] No, no.

[14:14] Yeah, sometimes.

[14:16] It's just football guy.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] But they establish very early on what this movie will be about,

[14:20] which is a series of administrative meetings,

[14:23] eventually press conferences,

[14:25] and one-on-one interviews in offices,

[14:28] with very little soccer being played on the film,

[14:31] except eventually when archival footage is used.

[14:33] And there's literally a scene where I'm not...

[14:36] This is jumping ahead, but it's during World War II,

[14:38] and there's a scene where they're describing a game between Germans and Ukrainians,

[14:42] where the Germans are being outplayed by these starving Ukrainians,

[14:45] but the ref is...

[14:46] Is clearly on the take.

[14:47] Is clearly on the German side and is cheating for the Germans.

[14:50] And this game is described to us in detail.

[14:53] We don't see it.

[14:54] We see flashes of it.

[14:55] But otherwise, it's like we might as well be watching,

[14:58] listening to a radio show called Famous Moments in Soccer.

[15:02] Fibber Buckeye and Soccer.

[15:03] But they also...

[15:04] Don't open that closet, it's full of soccer balls!

[15:06] Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

S3

[15:07] They also talk about it and how the game unfolded as if it's like...

[15:11] It's as if they're hearing about the Holocaust for the first time or something.

[15:14] They are all devastated.

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] And that's the other theme of the movie,

[15:16] which is that all the world events in history

[15:19] are most important in how they deal with soccer and how they affect FIFA.

[15:23] So that World War II, what does this mean for FIFA?

[15:27] The Great Depression?

[15:28] FIFA, we've lost all our money.

[15:30] Eventually, it's September 2001 and we're in Setbladder's office.

[15:34] And just to establish the time period,

[15:36] there's a magazine on his desk with the World Trade Centers being destroyed on it.

[15:41] And it's like, it's not mentioned at all.

[15:44] It's just like, hey man, in the story of FIFA,

[15:47] September 11th is just window dressing.

[15:50] That's how important FIFA is.

S3

[15:51] The amazing thing though is that they talk about how these great world events affect soccer

[15:55] and then totally gloss over the world events that happen.

[15:57] They go from 1936 to 1942 where they show a newspaper talking about the Battle of Stalingrad to 1950.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] If I can't kick it like a ball, it's not important.

[16:08] I mean, this movie had a message to the world,

[16:10] which is if you're not bending it like Beckham, you are not of note.

[16:15] Now, so they put together FIFA.

[16:17] The name comes right out.

Stuart Wellington

[16:18] So at this point, you're probably thinking,

[16:20] yes, this movie is basically Star Wars The Phantom Menace.

[16:23] If you took out all the aliens and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[16:25] Kind of is.

[16:26] It's like all meetings.

[16:27] If you took out the aliens and replaced the laser swords with meetings,

[16:31] then yeah, it's Phantom Menace times two.

[16:35] Same amount of weird racism though.

[16:37] Now, the movie, it just, it goes like this.

[16:40] Gerard Depardieu comes in and shocks the world by declaring.

[16:45] By how fat he's been going.

[16:47] He used to be a sex symbol, Dan.

S3

[16:50] Come on.

[16:50] He just, he can't stand that Uruguay is celebrating its Olympic medal

[16:54] when they had Mexicans on the team, he says.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] Yeah, there's a weird current in the movie of between showing FIFA

[17:02] as an anti-racist inclusive organization that's forward-thinking

[17:05] and showing the people involved in FIFA having a very Eurocentric view of the world

[17:10] until a heroic guy named Sepp Blatter steps up to the plate.

[17:14] Don't jump too far ahead.

[17:15] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] Yeah, Joe Avalanche, who is Brazilian.

Elliott Kalan

[17:18] Joe Avalanche.

[17:19] Yeah, Joe Avalanche.

[17:20] Because the movie is all about how FIFA is an all-inclusive organization,

[17:25] which is why the Brazilian head of-

Dan McCoy

[17:26] It means you don't have to pay for drinks separately.

[17:30] Meals.

[17:30] All your food is included.

Elliott Kalan

[17:33] Weirdly, you have to pay for soccer.

S3

[17:35] But there's a midnight buffet, though.

Elliott Kalan

[17:36] But that's Joe Avalanche, who's Brazilian, is played by Sam Neill, who,

[17:40] is he Brazilian?

[17:42] Maybe.

[17:43] He might have a Brazilian.

[17:44] He has a Brazilian.

[17:45] Yeah.

[17:45] He sounds pretty Brazilian.

[17:47] Yeah.

[17:47] Now, normally I'd go through the plot in more detail, but-

[17:51] There is none.

[17:52] What plot?

[17:52] It's just the history of FIFA scene by scene.

[17:54] There's a bunch of meetings.

[17:55] There's a lot of meetings.

[17:57] There's a scene, but we can talk about a couple of great scenes.

[17:59] For instance, it's 1950.

[18:01] The World Cup is in Brazil.

[18:02] Brazil is playing Uruguay.

[18:04] Brazil loses.

[18:05] The movie presents this as the worst tragedy in human history.

[18:09] Yeah.

[18:09] It's just like everyone is horrified, and Gerard de Bardu, the head of FIFA,

[18:13] effectively kills him.

[18:14] Yeah.

[18:14] Slow motion walking toward-

S3

[18:17] About nine minutes of him walking towards the field to hand the trophy in.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] Now, there's a great scene where he talks to an eccentric artist about designing the FIFA trophy.

[18:27] There's a scene where Tim Roth, as Setbladder, is confronted with a trunk full of Adidas merchandise.

[18:33] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[18:34] Now, this movie becomes less interesting the fewer mustaches are in it.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[18:39] Because the first half of it is like a collection of historical mustaches.

Dan McCoy

[18:44] The less Fisher Stevens there is in the movie, the more I got bored.

[18:48] That's very true.

Stuart Wellington

[18:49] His head kind of looks like a soccer ball.

[18:51] No offense.

[18:52] No offense.

[18:53] No offense.

[18:54] How could he possibly take a bit of a hat?

Elliott Kalan

[18:56] At the implication that he has a Charlie Brown-shaped head.

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] It looks like somebody cartoonishly tied his tie way too tight.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Just because he's a walking New York Review of Books caricature of himself.

Dan McCoy

[19:11] Just because if you put a mustache on a soccer ball, it would look like Fisher Stevens.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] Just because he was passed over for the role of Wilson in Cast Away, but not by a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[19:20] When they were trying to cast the live-action South Park movie, they were considering him for the guidance counselor.

[19:26] Mr. Mackey?

[19:27] Yeah, Mr. Mackey.

[19:28] The guy with the giant head, right?

[19:29] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:30] And this is coming from Fisher Stevens fans.

Elliott Kalan

[19:33] He's great.

[19:34] We love him.

Dan McCoy

[19:34] We're part of the FS Fan Club.

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] FSFC.

[19:37] Feastfuck.

[19:39] The Fisher Stevens Fan Club Feastfuck is all about...

[19:43] Look.

[19:43] Feastfuck?

[19:44] Here's the thing.

[19:44] Mr. Stevens Fan Club.

[19:45] A little like Feastfucking.

[19:47] Yeah.

[19:47] No, a little bit.

[19:48] A little bit.

[19:49] We're Feastfucking.

[19:50] Now, here was the problem.

[19:52] Internationally, there was no standardized guidelines for Fisher Stevens' appreciation.

[19:56] And so Feastfuck had to be created in order to create standardized rules and implement a real international competition for Fisher Stevens' fandom.

Stuart Wellington

[20:05] And now you just love Feastfucking all the time.

[20:08] Yeah.

[20:08] When you apply, when you become a member state, they give you a, what, a brooch to wear?

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] A brooch.

[20:16] Yeah, that's right.

[20:17] Yeah, and a scrunchie.

[20:20] Wait, you don't wear those at the same time, right?

[20:23] Of course not.

[20:23] One is for formal and one is for informal occasions.

[20:26] Yeah, before there was...

[20:26] Unless, of course, FS himself, Fisher Stevens, is in the room, in which case you wear all of that, plus your Fussfuck t-shirt, plus your Visual Fussfuck glove.

Dan McCoy

[20:36] Before there was an official organization, there were arguments about whether you could love both Short Circuit 2 and Hackers.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] Now we know that it's all acceptable.

[20:44] People would be like, I think Fisher Stevens is a director-producer.

[20:48] Well, I think he's an actor.

[20:49] There was arguments of that type.

[20:51] Yeah.

[20:51] Luckily, Fussfuck stepped in.

[20:54] Now, this movie is the history of FIFA.

[20:58] It's a parade of mustaches until it stops being a parade of mustaches.

[21:03] I mean, because are we really going to go through the whole...

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] There's a couple scenes of strange sexual tension between Gerard Depardieu and his daughter, I guess.

[21:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] And who ages 30 years in about a five-year period.

[21:15] Where Gerard Depardieu, they're like, yeah, the character's a little older.

[21:18] We'll put some white in his mustache.

[21:19] Her...

[21:20] They just...

[21:20] They pack on the latex.

Stuart Wellington

[21:22] They just assume that Gerard Depardieu's character just really takes care of himself.

[21:27] Well, that's why he has...

[21:28] He has a lot of clean living.

[21:29] That's why he has that bowl of ice cream when he's accepting brunch from Uruguay.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] Every night while his daughter is asleep, there's a scene where Gerard Depardieu has a dish with ice cream in it while he's having a very important meeting with a Uruguayan soccer official.

[21:40] And you can tell that as an actor, he's just waiting for them to say, cut, so he can eat that ice cream.

[21:44] Yummy, yummy.

[21:46] Now, I think he goes into his daughter's room when she sleeps at night and kisses her forehead and sucks the youth out of her.

[21:51] So it's a kind of a daughter of Dorian Gray type situation.

S3

[21:55] Or like a...

[21:56] What is it?

[21:56] Like Elizabeth Bathory?

[21:57] Was that the...

[21:58] Yeah, type thing?

[21:59] He's bathing in her blood.

Elliott Kalan

[22:02] Whatever gets the youth in.

[22:03] I just call her Liz.

S3

[22:04] Oh, your buds?

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] Yeah, best buds.

[22:07] Baths.

[22:08] Liz Baths.

[22:09] Liz Baths.

[22:10] Yeah.

[22:11] But like the amazing...

Stuart Wellington

[22:12] Like, get out of that blood shower.

[22:13] We gotta go to the movies, Liz Baths.

Elliott Kalan

[22:16] Was that who Fred Sanford in The Sanford and Son was saying when he was faking a heart attack?

[22:21] He was going, Liz Baths, this is the big one.

[22:23] I'm coming, Liz Baths.

[22:24] Talking about Elizabeth Bathory.

[22:27] Now, here's the thing.

[22:29] This was a very boring movie.

[22:31] Yeah.

[22:32] Okay.

[22:33] It's a lot...

[22:33] Like you were saying, a lot of scenes of meetings, press conferences.

[22:36] I would say that...

[22:37] I'm sorry.

[22:38] No, Dan, talk about its finer points.

[22:40] Dan, think of one good thing about this movie other than Fisher Stevens and Tim Roth got money from it.

[22:45] The pod race.

[22:48] You think of episode one again.

[22:50] They did a...

[22:51] Okay.

[22:51] Again, Star Wars episode one, which had more sports in it than the FIFA movie.

[22:55] That is true.

[22:56] It had an entire pod race.

S3

[22:57] It had like 10 minutes of sports nonstop.

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] Two pod races if you count the fight at the end where Jake Lloyd says, now this is what I call pod racing.

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] Which I don't think technically within the rules of Facebook that counts as pod racing.

Elliott Kalan

[23:12] There's no pod racing association to implement the rules.

[23:16] So Bulba could just do whatever he wants.

Stuart Wellington

[23:18] Have flamethrowers in the swing?

Elliott Kalan

[23:20] Yeah, it is thing.

Stuart Wellington

[23:21] That's why it's a pod.

[23:23] I mean, I don't think the flamethrowers are in the pod.

[23:26] I thought they were in the engines.

[23:27] Those are part of the pod, aren't they?

[23:29] Are they the pod thing in the back?

Elliott Kalan

[23:30] These are things that the organization...

[23:31] How do you define what is the pod and what is the engine?

[23:34] It's too bad that pod fuck, the pod racing organization directorate fan club, wasn't there to organize this.

Dan McCoy

[23:43] Anyway, Dan, give me one good thing about the movie.

[23:46] They irised in as a transition once.

[23:48] That was kind of old-timey.

[23:50] It was an old-timey scene transition element.

S3

[23:53] I would say that people who specialize in old-timey costumes got a lot of work for this movie.

[23:59] And that's good for them.

Dan McCoy

[23:59] Oh, they used wild, wild life for talking about that.

S3

[24:01] Yeah, yeah.

[24:02] Another old-timey thing.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] Yeah, and Steve.

[24:05] Now, Dave, as a soccer fan...

[24:07] Sure.

[24:08] I know when the World Cups come around, you're all like, yeah, cupping it up.

[24:12] Let's do this.

[24:13] That's exactly what I say.

[24:15] Corner kick.

[24:15] Giants forever.

[24:16] Yeah, go Giants.

S3

[24:17] Giants play football.

[24:19] That's what they were talking about the whole movie was football.

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] Now, so, as a soccer fan, do you feel like this was an accurate portrayal of the history of soccer?

[24:26] Because while we're watching it, you're like, oh, that's when blah, blah, blah happened.

[24:30] Oh, that's when this thing happened.

[24:31] Yeah, I was impressed, honestly.

[24:32] I was very impressed.

[24:33] And also, I don't know how anyone could watch this movie without the David Keaton annotations and understand a thing that was going on.

S3

[24:38] Well, I was going to say that I learned less from this movie than I have learned from just, like, glancing at Wikipedia articles for, like, a couple minutes at a time.

[24:47] Because they tell you, like, I recognized all of the major pivotal, or most of the major pivotal events that they were, like, events that they were showing.

[24:53] But, like, there's nothing in this movie that indicates what they are at all.

Stuart Wellington

[24:56] Yeah.

[24:56] They'll just show a thing happening.

[24:58] There was a couple times when, while we were watching it, I was like, maybe I should tell David to save it for the podcast.

[25:02] And I'm like, nah, it's boring.

S3

[25:06] Wait, what about Barbosa giving up the goal in the shock loss by Brazil to Uruguay in 1950?

[25:11] It's boring.

[25:13] That was a huge upset.

[25:14] That's why he went to become a pirate captain, Dan.

[25:16] Maricana was very depressed.

[25:18] Wait, what was your question?

[25:18] The coffee Maricana?

[25:19] No, no.

[25:20] The Maricana.

[25:21] That's the stadium in Brazil that they played the 1950 World Cup final in 2014.

[25:25] Oh, the one where it was the biggest tragedy.

[25:28] The Brazil loss.

[25:28] Yeah.

[25:28] And there's...

[25:29] Where Jules Remy, who is not Brazilian, just feels the pain so devoutly.

Elliott Kalan

[25:34] Well, he's Brazilian at heart.

[25:36] And what I mean by that is he enjoys women's butts.

[25:38] And he hates Uruguay.

[25:40] I'm Brazilian at heart.

[25:41] Yeah, you're very Brazilian.

[25:42] Much like Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie he made where he just goes to Rio for Carnival.

[25:48] What?

[25:49] Have you guys never seen this?

[25:50] Is it in Pumping Iron or something?

[25:51] No, it is not in Pumping Iron.

[25:52] It's a separate thing that he did.

[25:53] It's Conan the Destroyer.

[25:54] Yeah, it's called Conan the Partier.

[25:57] There's a thing he did where he's in Rio for Carnival, and there's some line about,

[26:02] Carnival is a celebration of my favorite body part, the ass.

[26:06] It's something that we used to say at work a lot.

S3

[26:09] Wait, what was your question, though?

[26:10] I totally forgot.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] So, oh no, this sequence where Brazil loses.

[26:14] It's 1950.

[26:15] Okay.

[26:15] And there's something very funny about it.

[26:17] We couldn't quite put our finger on why it was funny.

[26:19] Where it just keeps, it shows no on-field play.

[26:22] None.

[26:23] Or next to none.

[26:23] None.

[26:23] It's showing a lot of people in the stands being excited.

[26:26] You have the announcer announcing it in Portuguese.

[26:28] And you have these, and you just have the shots of people in the same three locations being like,

[26:33] Oh!

[26:34] Yeah.

[26:34] Oh!

S3

[26:35] Oh, go!

[26:36] There's like a barbershop and like a bar.

[26:38] A bar.

S3

[26:39] A bar.

[26:39] And four old men sitting.

[26:40] And four old men just at a table on the street.

[26:42] Just in the middle of the street.

[26:42] But like really well-dressed for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] Because they're old Brazilian men.

[26:46] They have a sense of style.

[26:47] Fine.

[26:49] That's why it's called a Brazilian.

[26:51] Or getting a Brazilian when you're tailored for a nice suit of clothes.

S3

[26:54] But like we talked about how little soccer there actually is in this movie.

[26:59] And like until you see it, I cannot stress enough how little soccer there is in a movie that is about soccer.

[27:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] It's amazing.

[27:05] There's more soccer in.

[27:07] Which is weird since they clearly have the rights to all these like highlight reels of soccer games.

S3

[27:13] They show them.

[27:14] They show some of the highlight reels later on.

[27:16] But it's like those are.

Stuart Wellington

[27:18] We could have just showed those games and it would have been more exciting than what we watched.

Dan McCoy

[27:22] This is like a sports movie for like, I don't know, like fantasy football people who are like, you know, what's really interesting is like the behind the scenes like choices.

[27:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:31] They're like, I've watched Moneyball 3,000 times.

[27:35] I guess I'll watch something else.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] But you can also like you can make almost anything dramatic.

[27:39] I like Moneyball.

[27:39] I want to make it clear that Moneyball is fantastic.

[27:42] Yeah.

[27:42] The story of what's his name?

[27:43] Bucky.

[27:44] Billy Bean.

[27:45] Bucky Bloodso.

[27:45] Bucky Barnes.

[27:46] Bucky Barnes.

[27:47] Yeah, yeah.

S3

[27:47] Those might be the names of real people that exist.

[27:49] They are not involved with the Oakland A's.

[27:51] It's about Billy Bean, the general manager.

Elliott Kalan

[27:54] The mascot for the American bean farmer.

[27:56] No.

[27:57] That is not him.

[27:57] I'm Billy Bean.

[27:58] Eat some beans today.

[28:00] That is the wrong person.

[28:01] The same beans make you fart.

[28:02] I don't think so.

[28:03] Oops.

[28:03] Sorry.

[28:04] I'm Billy Beans for beans.

[28:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] Of course a bean would say that.

[28:07] He would say, eat me yummy yummy.

[28:10] Billy Beans says beans don't make you fart.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] But let's look at the facts.

[28:15] Billy Beans.

[28:16] Wrong on beans.

[28:17] Wrong for America.

Stuart Wellington

[28:19] Brought to you by the Council of Enemies of Beans.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] I don't know what that would be.

[28:22] Corn, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[28:22] Brussels sprouts or something?

[28:23] Brussels sprouts.

[28:24] Some other thing.

[28:25] Some other vegetable source of protein.

S3

[28:27] That thing causes you to fart a lot.

[28:29] Yeah.

[28:30] Any leafy greens.

[28:31] Don't slander Billy Bean.

[28:32] That's a Mets draft pick.

[28:34] He's a great guy.

Elliott Kalan

[28:35] Okay.

[28:36] Like personal?

[28:37] We've had a lot of fun here.

[28:38] I don't know if he's a good guy person.

[28:39] I've never met him.

[28:39] We've always been serious.

[28:40] Now, so the movie is, but there are a couple scenes like, there are a couple scenes where

S3

[28:45] FIFA is running out of money and it needs something to happen.

[28:48] And Sepp Blatter can always find it, but like ethically.

Elliott Kalan

[28:51] Sepp Blatter always makes it happen, but they don't show you how it makes it happen.

[28:53] There's a scene where they're like, we're running out of money.

[28:56] We need sponsors, but we don't have companies to sponsor us.

[28:58] And the guy goes, hey, that's someone from Coca-Cola at that table over there because

[29:01] they're at a bar.

[29:02] And Sepp Blatter goes, hold on a second.

[29:04] And we see him walk over the table.

[29:05] Cut to.

[29:07] Three years later.

[29:07] Sam Neill's swimming.

[29:08] Oh, yeah.

[29:09] Sam Neill's swimming.

[29:09] Oh, Sam Neill's swimming pool.

[29:10] And he gets a phone call from Sepp Blatter that's like, Coca-Cola's going to give us some

[29:13] money.

[29:14] Great.

[29:14] You got it.

[29:15] And he hangs up.

[29:16] And it's like, what did he, how did he, what did he do?

S3

[29:18] Hey, he's a, he's a, he's got a silver tongue, man.

[29:20] He's a magic man.

[29:21] He knows how to sell it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] Silver tongue was given to him as a bribe.

[29:23] Probably.

S3

[29:23] Yeah.

[29:24] Well, no, the best part of that is when Sam Neill is swimming and his like maid, assistant,

[29:28] daughter, they didn't say who it was.

[29:30] Comes out and is just like, whatever.

[29:32] She just comes out and is like, Mr. Blatter on the phone.

[29:35] It just sounds like an old man saying to a kid, like, I got to go pee.

[29:39] Mr. Blatter's on the phone.

[29:40] And he walks into the bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[29:43] Excuse me, kid.

[29:43] You got to take a collect call from Mr. Blatter.

S3

[29:46] There are always collect calls.

[29:47] I'd love to hear this story, but Mr. Blatter's on the phone.

[29:50] I got to go.

Elliott Kalan

[29:51] Mr. Blatter lives in Florida.

[29:53] Call me guy who has to pee.

S3

[29:55] Man, Mr. Blatter called four times last night.

[29:59] Because he's old.

[30:00] Old people pee a lot.

[30:01] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:01] You have his neighbor, Mr. Prostate's acting up.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] Oh, boy.

[30:08] Now, there's, you reminded me of a part that I, oh, there's a couple parts, too, that reinforce

[30:16] the commonly held belief that God, and in this case it's Jesus, cares about soccer more than

[30:23] anything else.

[30:25] There's a part where Gerard Depardieu, he needs help for something, and he just yells and prays

[30:30] to God in front of a cross.

[30:32] And I guess-

[30:33] I don't remember what he needed help for.

[30:35] I don't remember if it worked.

Stuart Wellington

[30:36] It did.

[30:37] FIFA's still here.

[30:38] It worked.

[30:38] Yeah.

[30:38] God loves FIFA.

[30:39] And there's a part where-

[30:40] And he never died, right?

[30:41] He's still alive.

[30:42] Gerard Depardieu?

[30:43] Yeah, yeah.

[30:44] Gerard Depardieu's alive.

[30:45] Jesus did die, but he came back.

S3

[30:48] That's a matter of opinion.

[30:49] No, Jules Remy does die, because they show his funeral in the coffin that is definitely

[30:53] not big enough to fit Jules Remy.

Stuart Wellington

[30:54] That's how, I'm assuming he's not dead.

[30:56] Yeah, because they just-

[30:57] Unless he turns into like a fucking gelatinous ooze or something.

Elliott Kalan

[31:00] Yeah, he's like this Senator Kelly in X-Men.

[31:02] I should say-

[31:03] They buried, to fool people, they buried a box, a coffin full of rocks, which ironically

[31:09] weighed less than he does.

S3

[31:11] I was going to say, the coffin definitely could have fit Jules Remy, who was-

[31:15] We talked about this earlier, who was actually pretty skinny in real life.

[31:18] He definitely could not have fit Gerard Depardieu.

[31:20] So you're saying they used the real coffin?

Elliott Kalan

[31:22] Yeah.

[31:22] There's also a scene where Tim Roth as Seth Blatter is just looking at a coffin for a couple

[31:26] seconds, and I don't know who that character was.

S3

[31:28] They never introduced that person.

[31:29] Yeah, someone died.

[31:30] Are you sure?

[31:30] They might have without saying that person's name.

[31:32] He was trying to show the passage of time.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] Yeah, it was.

[31:35] It was during the Wild Wild Life montage.

[31:38] Yeah.

[31:38] Like, well, I guess that guy's dead.

Stuart Wellington

[31:39] Every time you start saying that, I think you're going to say Wild Wild West, so I get

Dan McCoy

[31:42] really excited.

[31:44] Wiccawau.

[31:45] Wiccawau.

S3

[31:46] I just think nothing makes me think of like a solemn funereal procession like Wild Wild

[31:50] Life.

[31:51] Well, that's when we're going to play a dance funeral.

[31:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:53] Yeah, I would appreciate that.

[31:55] Sure.

[31:55] Yeah, but then we're going to play Kokomo.

[31:57] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] Because that's where you have to spend eternity, with that middle-aged guy and the younger woman

[32:03] he's trying to convince to come with him to Kokomo.

Stuart Wellington

[32:06] Gross.

[32:06] Like in Aruba?

[32:09] Jamaica?

[32:09] No.

[32:10] Wait.

[32:10] Who do I want to take you?

[32:12] Where?

[32:13] To Bermuda?

[32:15] Bahamas.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] Well, hey, come on, pretty mamas.

[32:19] Keylargo Montego?

[32:21] Is that a place?

[32:21] Yes.

[32:22] Hey, baby, why don't we go?

[32:24] Down to, I hate that song.

[32:26] I don't know why, for some reason.

[32:27] Damn, I wrote that out.

[32:28] There was like a year when I was growing up as a kid where that song was impossible to

[32:32] avoid.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Yeah, because you had fucking Full House on all the time.

[32:35] That was part of the problem.

[32:37] You're like, I gotta hang out with my pals.

[32:38] At least I can find solace in Full House.

Elliott Kalan

[32:43] You'll never betray me.

[32:44] No, Uncle Jesse, don't go to that Beat Voice concert.

[32:47] Now the whole family's getting up.

Stuart Wellington

[32:49] He doesn't even need to go to the concert.

[32:50] They just show up to the house all the time.

[32:52] It sounded like you said, don't go to that Beef Boys concert.

[32:56] Oh, certainly don't go there.

[32:58] Those guys are fucking crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] What is that, like a meat-based Beach Boys cover band?

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] I thought that was like an off-brand Fat Boys cover band.

Dan McCoy

[33:10] It's like a meatloaf.

[33:12] It's like a meatloaf, but he's a killer.

[33:16] He's a serial killer.

Stuart Wellington

[33:17] Wait, what?

[33:18] That's meatloaf covering serial killer.

[33:23] Beef Boys.

[33:26] You know what?

[33:27] Yep.

[33:27] I was thinking of the song Psycho Killer.

S3

[33:30] Are Beef Boys right for you?

Elliott Kalan

[33:32] Yeah, what about the song Psycho Killer?

[33:33] I would love to hear Meatloaf cover band.

[33:36] I can tell you that.

[33:37] I can't sleep because my bed's on fire.

[33:43] That's how every meatloaf song goes.

[33:45] I'm going to sing slow for a little bit, but then I'm going to sing fast and I'm going to go like this.

[33:53] That's meatloaf.

[33:54] Yeah.

[33:54] Okay.

[33:55] Mr. Loaf.

[33:56] Please.

[33:57] Mr. Loaf lives in Florida.

[33:58] Call me Meat.

[33:59] So soccer, guys.

[34:00] Yeah, so Simpladder saves the world.

[34:02] And I had a thing I was going to talk about.

[34:04] So they're describing that match between the Germans and the Ukrainians and someone says how hard they play.

[34:10] And the guy goes, they say it was like God himself laced up that day.

[34:14] And I wish that they had then shown God jumping into the game and just lacing up his boots and just kicking that ball.

[34:21] And then he kicks the ball so hard it knocks Hitler's head off.

Dan McCoy

[34:27] I guess if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

S3

[34:32] They spend a bunch of time talking about apartheid and South Africa.

[34:36] That's like a consistent thing they bring up is to show how FIFA is so forward-thinking and righteous.

[34:41] Is they make a big point about how Avalanche wouldn't allow South Africa to be a member of FIFA.

[34:51] Even as FIFA expands.

[34:52] And they make a big point about how FIFA expands into Africa and Asia under Avalanche and Sepp Blatter's guidance without pointing out that they basically just use that as a tool to keep themselves reelected in perpetuity.

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] You were saying that they would arrange for bribes.

S3

[35:04] Yeah.

[35:04] They would put money into those countries to help develop the game.

[35:08] But they would make sure that a lot of that money went into the pockets of the presidents of the federations.

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] They're also doing honor to them by making all countries equal, giving them all an equal vote.

[35:18] They're putting them on the same foot as like a Germany or something.

[35:22] Yeah, foot.

S3

[35:23] Because it's...

[35:23] We don't talk about hands.

[35:26] They're not stupid enough to think that that's not going to benefit them.

[35:29] With a pole in your shoulders.

Dan McCoy

[35:30] I feel like there could be a better movie.

[35:32] And I don't know.

[35:33] Yes.

[35:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:34] You know what?

[35:35] Let me just stop right there.

[35:36] Your hypothesis is correct.

[35:38] We don't even need to test it.

[35:39] I would say there are many better movies.

S3

[35:41] It is conceivably possible to have a better movie than this one.

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] A better movie.

[35:45] Destiny turns on the radio.

[35:47] Better movie.

Elliott Kalan

[35:47] The red short.

[35:48] Mr. Destiny.

[35:49] Better movie.

[35:51] A better movie on this...

[35:52] I'll name you a better movie about soccer than this movie.

[35:54] Frequency.

[35:54] Ladybugs.

[35:55] Ladybugs is a better movie than this movie, and that's a bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[35:58] A better movie could be made on this topic.

[36:01] I don't know why someone would make a better movie on this topic, because it's kind of

[36:07] odd that this movie was made in the first place.

[36:10] But that movie could be made on this topic that acknowledges that there was a deal with

[36:14] the devil made that actually had some good come of it.

[36:18] The idea that this is not all bad, not all good.

[36:21] The fact that they did let it in these other countries, but for reasons that benefit themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] That would be an interesting way to do it.

[36:29] Unfortunately, that would not be the FIFA is the greatest thing ever.

S3

[36:32] And the movie was financed by FIFA.

[36:35] It was what?

[36:35] Yeah, I know.

[36:36] Crazy.

[36:38] It was like $29 million or something, which I can tell you were not spent on the soccer

[36:42] scenes, apparently.

[36:45] It's all on the screen.

[36:47] It's all up there when you look at it.

[36:48] In the series of offices they rented.

[36:50] It's an incredibly well-polished movie in every part that doesn't involve what you care about.

[36:54] There's a couple shots of a slow-moving boat.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] Yeah.

[36:55] That's a good point.

[36:56] There's a great shot on a boat where Sam Neill looks like Gary Oldman as that smiley

[37:02] guy from Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

[37:03] Smiley.

S3

[37:04] Yeah, that's his name.

[37:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] I was going to say...

[37:06] Smiley from the Lulz movie.

S3

[37:09] They point out multiple times that FIFA wouldn't allow South Africa to be a member nation as

[37:14] long as apartheid was the system in place there.

[37:16] And that's like their one thing to point out that FIFA is like super righteous.

[37:20] And they, you know, that they're just trying to show the whole time that FIFA is this benevolent

[37:25] organization that's pulling the world together when it's not at all.

[37:29] Totally not.

[37:30] Not at all.

Stuart Wellington

[37:30] Sleeping on beds of blood diamonds.

Elliott Kalan

[37:32] That doesn't even sound comfortable.

[37:35] But it's true.

[37:36] With a blanket made out of blood.

[37:38] Elias, high heels aren't comfortable, but you wear them because they make your butt look

Stuart Wellington

[37:41] great.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] Same thing with beds of blood diamonds.

[37:44] Good point.

[37:45] Well, your butt is all scraped up.

[37:47] Yeah, I was sleeping on a bed of blood diamonds.

[37:48] Ooh, his butt's so scrappy.

[37:51] It's like Seal's face is his butt.

Stuart Wellington

[37:56] That's me.

[37:57] Sorry.

[37:57] I apologize, Seal.

Elliott Kalan

[37:58] Anyway, I forget if it was Stuart or if it was you or Dan who was saying this seems

[38:02] like the movie that they show to new FIFA employees when they start out.

[38:06] That like every couple of minutes one of the actors should have stopped and looked at the

[38:10] camera and given you a tip about dealing with the customers or, you know, what proper office

[38:15] etiquette.

[38:15] Should have been some like bullet points on the screen.

[38:17] Yeah.

S3

[38:18] I also love how every no meeting can look like appropriate and normal.

[38:22] Like there's the meeting where Seth Blatter meets with-

Elliott Kalan

[38:24] And they're not all taking place in like a Mad Max world.

[38:26] Well, yeah, but like-

[38:27] There's bikers driving around shooting missiles and arrows at each other.

S3

[38:30] I believe there's this meeting where Seth Blatter meets with the guy from Adidas to be like-

[38:34] Adidas.

[38:35] Sorry.

[38:36] Adidas.

[38:37] To meet with Adidas.

[38:38] Adidas.

[38:39] To say like, you know, Adidas wants to have our soccer ball and our uniforms and everything

[38:44] in the next World Cup.

[38:45] And like, that's not crazy.

[38:46] Like having a company pay to have that kind of exposure-

Elliott Kalan

[38:49] I don't think having like Nintendo do that would be.

[38:51] No.

[38:51] They don't make uniforms.

[38:52] But like-

[38:53] But like it's a totally-

[38:54] McDonald's is like, we want you to wear McNuggets in the next World Cup that doesn't-

[38:58] Well, just on our skin.

[38:59] Are you talking-

[38:59] We'll sew them together into shirts.

S3

[39:01] I was going to ask if you meant like a McNugget costume or if they actually just took

[39:05] McNuggets.

[39:06] No, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[39:06] McDonald's just sewed-

[39:07] Yep, the McNugget characters who are screaming in pain from being stitched together.

[39:11] Like some kind of weird golem like in that Clive Barker short story.

Elliott Kalan

[39:15] Well, it's like that when Freddy lifts up his shirt or whatever and there's a lot of screaming

[39:19] soles in there.

[39:21] And he's shredded.

[39:23] He's ripped.

[39:24] He's shredded because he scratched himself with his razor glove and he cut himself.

[39:28] But my point is-

[39:29] I know what you meant.

[39:30] He's totally-

[39:30] He's got abs-

[39:33] For miles.

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] For days.

[39:36] Yes, David?

S3

[39:37] Well, I was just going to say that like these meetings are all presented in this covert,

[39:40] secret way, but like, first of all, they don't have to be-

[39:43] It's because of the moustaches.

[39:44] Because they're normal, maybe.

[39:45] They're normal meetings, but also like, if you're trying to present a movie about how

[39:49] on the level and great FIFA is, why would you set up all these meetings to be at like

[39:52] a roadside gas station where it looks really creepy and sketchy?

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] I feel like a lot of those early meetings, they try and make FIFA seem like an underdog.

[40:01] Like you should be like rooting for them, which is stupid and crazy.

[40:06] Well, at the time, no, no.

[40:08] Even at the time, I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] I mean, that's the main issue is the movie does not make you care ever if FIFA survives.

[40:15] So Fisher Stevens is distraught in 1930 because he invested all of FIFA's money in the stock

[40:20] market and it's crashed.

[40:22] And he's like, we've lost everything.

[40:23] People can never play soccer again, right dudes?

[40:26] I had to give the rules to soccer to the bank to pay off the loan.

[40:32] Now no one will ever know.

Stuart Wellington

[40:33] And it just shows an evil bank man putting the rules in a vault and spinning the dial so

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] it's locked forever and then filling it with concrete so it can never be opened.

[40:42] Now soccer will never be played.

[40:46] But at that moment, it's like there's going to be no FIFA.

[40:51] And my reaction to that was, all right.

[40:54] I mean, whatever.

[40:55] Your club's not open anymore.

[40:56] Okay.

S3

[40:57] We didn't share the same reaction to that.

[40:59] Like I just didn't care.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] It couldn't even make me care when they were literally on the verge of bankruptcy.

S3

[41:03] Yeah.

[41:04] But that's because the movie's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[41:05] The only reason I cared was because I worried that Fisher Stevens might hurt himself because

[41:09] he was so ill.

[41:10] He did look like he was about to jump off the bridge they were talking about.

S3

[41:12] Pretty frail and absurd.

[41:13] Yeah.

[41:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] If his character dies in the movie, he still gets paid, right?

[41:20] Like the actor?

[41:21] Or the character.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] That's some kind of weird clause, right?

Elliott Kalan

[41:25] If a character dies in a movie, they pretend they can't see or hear the actor anymore.

Dan McCoy

[41:29] All of those law and order corpses never got paid.

[41:32] Yeah.

[41:32] Because they're dead.

[41:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] They got tricked into signing up.

[41:35] Steven Seagal walks up to the accounts payable window for executive decision.

[41:39] And he's like, my money, please?

[41:42] Is that Steven Seagal's character for executive decision?

[41:45] I wish he was here.

[41:46] We have money.

[41:46] The guy who died in the beginning of the movie.

[41:48] Spoiler alert.

S3

[41:49] Oh, yeah.

[41:50] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[41:51] Come on.

[41:51] I didn't mean to spoil a movie no one has watched in 15 years.

S3

[41:55] That is one of my favorite movies to watch on cable TV when it is on.

[41:59] I don't know what it is.

[41:59] Yeah.

[42:00] On first dates.

[42:01] Yeah.

[42:02] On first dates.

Stuart Wellington

[42:02] I want to show you this movie that the poster made me assume that Kurt Russell is holding

[42:06] a katana.

[42:07] But that's actually the wing of the stealth bomber.

Dan McCoy

[42:11] I mean, I have an evil David Suchet in it.

[42:13] I mean, what else do you want?

[42:15] My, uh...

[42:15] Okay.

[42:16] I apologize.

[42:17] It's the best movie ever.

Elliott Kalan

[42:18] Thank you, Elliot.

[42:19] This movie is better than United Passions.

[42:21] On a scale from United Passions to zero, I give it off the charts.

S3

[42:24] One of my favorite things about executive decision, though, since we're on the topic, is that

[42:30] it was considered this big-time project and paramount...

[42:33] What do I mean?

Elliott Kalan

[42:33] Big-time project?

[42:34] Like the big dig?

[42:37] I don't understand.

[42:37] No, no.

[42:38] Like the panel canal?

S3

[42:39] When it was first being made, or when it was in development...

[42:42] The executive was like, this is a big-time project.

Elliott Kalan

[42:45] It was...

[42:45] Let's fast track it.

[42:47] It was considered...

[42:47] Oh, sir, this executive decision will be...

[42:49] Is that one of our little-time projects?

[42:51] Oh, no.

[42:52] Oh, no, Callahan.

[42:55] That is a big-time project.

[42:56] Should we build the Colossus of Rhodes or make executive decisions?

[43:00] Sir, we can't do both.

[43:02] We can't build both your pyramid tomb...

[43:05] Burn down the Library of Alexandria.

[43:07] And do executive decision.

[43:08] I guess my soul is just disappearing to the winds, then.

[43:12] You guys are impossible to sit around and talk about stuff with.

[43:16] Don't bother building a vessel for my car so that I may travel to the next world.

[43:21] Make executive decision.

S3

[43:23] I think sitting with all of you is what you've made everyone think sitting with me is like.

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] The president has two folders on his desk, and one says, flight to Mars, and the other

[43:32] says, executive decision starring Kurt Russell.

[43:35] And he's like, boys, I don't know what to tell you.

[43:37] I gotta go with this Kurt Russell movie.

[43:41] Sorry, Mars.

[43:42] Maybe some other time.

S3

[43:44] The thing I was going to say about executive decision is no longer funny.

[43:47] What's going on?

[43:47] So, forget it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] No, no.

[43:50] No, it's not.

[43:51] It's supposed to be a big-time project.

S3

[43:52] And Paramount had the rights, and they sold it...

[43:55] Or, no, like, they sold it to 20th Century Fox.

[43:57] And 20th Century Fox, in exchange...

Stuart Wellington

[43:59] It's the boringest story I've ever heard.

[44:02] And we just watched United Nations.

Elliott Kalan

[44:04] Just give it a chance.

[44:07] The movie...

[44:07] We finished the story.

[44:08] The movie...

[44:09] It's a boring story.

[44:10] No, it's going to be like one of those Paul Harvey stories.

[44:12] Afterwards, we'll know the rest of the story.

S3

[44:14] The movie that Paramount got in exchange for getting rid of this was Forrest Gump.

[44:19] And...

[44:19] Oh, wow.

[44:20] That's kind of funny.

[44:20] And now you know the rest of the story.

[44:23] And if they hadn't made that, we never could have had Kevin Nealon in Forrest Gump 2,

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Gump again in the movie Cecil B. Demented.

S3

[44:30] Yes.

[44:31] I think Dan wanted to wrap this up.

[44:34] I just want to say, at the end of the movie...

[44:36] I was pretty sure.

Elliott Kalan

[44:37] Because we would have missed all the time you were expecting.

[44:40] We would have missed that real corker of a tail.

Stuart Wellington

[44:45] All right, fuck all of you.

[44:47] Can you write that down so I can share it with my children?

Elliott Kalan

[44:52] Oh, no.

[44:53] Call up your publisher now.

[44:55] Tell them you know what your next book is.

[44:58] And then call up somebody.

[45:00] Oh, God.

[45:00] And tell them they need to hear this tale.

[45:02] Just call me for a random and tell them this tale.

S3

[45:02] I think this whole episode was just set up as vengeance to try and make me pay for irritating

[45:07] you all for so long.

Stuart Wellington

[45:10] Oh, so...

[45:11] You're soccer and you're an executive decision expertise.

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:14] FIFA, the movie, starring...

[45:17] Soccer.

Dan McCoy

[45:18] Okay, we really need to get to...

[45:20] United Passions.

[45:21] No, we gotta get...

Stuart Wellington

[45:23] Fire it up.

[45:24] Final judgments.

[45:25] Smash cut.

[45:26] Kids playing soccer.

[45:28] Then FIFA shows up and Tim Roth says, game on, boys.

[45:31] No, but the best thing about...

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] Blinks into the camera.

[45:33] Ow!

S3

[45:34] I just have to say this.

[45:36] The end of the movie is Sepp Blatter dealing with thoughts of corruption and all the European

[45:41] football heads being like, you're going to lose this election in 2002 in Seoul.

[45:45] And he's like, I will be okay.

[45:47] And then he wins the election rebuking, you know, all the corruption that he has faced

[45:53] when like...

[45:53] Through no effort on his own.

[45:55] Exactly.

[45:55] And considering that in real life, it is very clear, like he's suspended from being president

[45:59] right now.

[46:00] We all know he's incredibly corrupt.

[46:02] It just rang incredibly hollow.

[46:04] And I found that enjoyable.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] Even if it didn't ring hollow, it's just he does nothing to defend himself.

[46:09] So there's no reason why we should be like, oh, great.

[46:12] He isn't corrupt, I guess.

[46:14] Well, but the music gets really loud, though.

Elliott Kalan

[46:15] He doesn't even earn it.

[46:16] No, it's true.

[46:16] Yeah, there's this triumphant music.

[46:17] Yeah.

[46:18] The triumph of the Sepp.

S3

[46:19] There's like four different scenes in this movie with triumphant music out of nowhere

[46:23] for no reason.

Elliott Kalan

[46:23] And they're all at announcements.

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:25] Not even at soccer matches.

[46:26] They're at announcements of where things are going to be held.

[46:29] Again.

S3

[46:29] Or who's winning an election.

[46:30] I cannot say this enough that there is almost no soccer in this movie about soccer.

Stuart Wellington

[46:35] Do you like soccer?

[46:36] Don't watch this movie.

[46:37] Yeah.

[46:38] Well, I think...

Elliott Kalan

[46:38] You like soccer movies?

[46:39] I would think...

[46:40] Killer goes, yeah, what's your favorite soccer movie?

[46:42] United Passions?

[46:43] Really?

S3

[46:45] I just think that maybe their hope was that because a lot of people that don't like soccer,

[46:49] the knock on it, they say, is that it's boring.

[46:51] Yes.

[46:51] So I hope...

[46:52] I think that FIFA's hope was that by watching this movie, those people who thought soccer

[46:56] was boring would be like, ugh, can't we at least just watch soccer now?

[47:00] Because that would be more interesting than watching this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:06] Was this a good, great movie?

[47:07] Best movie ever?

[47:09] Or burn all the other movies?

[47:10] Or three soccer balls.

[47:12] Hooray!

[47:13] Was this movie a...

[47:15] Goal!

Dan McCoy

[47:20] In one?

[47:22] Good, bad movie.

[47:23] A bad, bad movie.

[47:25] Or a movie you kind of liked.

[47:26] I'm going to start.

[47:26] I'm going to say that for an hour, I thought this was a good, bad movie.

[47:33] Because...

[47:33] When it was all mustaches and...

[47:34] It was all mustaches and just like, yeah, like old timey, like...

[47:38] Yeah.

S3

[47:38] It's enjoyably silly at that point.

Dan McCoy

[47:40] The best, like, the most important thing we could do for society is to create a governing

[47:45] body so that all the nations can play this footed ball with one another.

Stuart Wellington

[47:51] And then...

[47:51] And we can get paid, dudes.

Dan McCoy

[47:54] But then after that, it just got boring.

[47:57] So, I don't know.

[47:58] If you...

[47:59] Yeah.

[48:00] Why don't you check out an hour of it if you can see it for free and then turn it off

[48:04] and do something else?

[48:05] That's my recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[48:06] I'm going to say don't watch this movie.

[48:08] It's super bad.

[48:09] I'm going to go with Stuart on this one, Dan.

[48:11] If you want to leave something on the TV while you go to the bathroom for an hour and a

[48:15] half...

[48:16] Two hours.

[48:17] And then just...

[48:18] Yeah, I guess two hours.

[48:19] I don't know, dude.

[48:20] I would say...

[48:20] Bathroom for two hours?

[48:22] What are you doing in there?

Elliott Kalan

[48:23] You've got a bigger problem than what movie should I watch.

[48:26] God damn it.

[48:27] I'm afraid of the length of the movie.

[48:29] Unless you just don't want to see the movie, so you're just staying in the bathroom until

[48:32] it's over.

Stuart Wellington

[48:34] You open the door just a little bit to peek out.

[48:35] You see Tim Roth on the screen, you go, ah!

[48:37] And then shut the door again.

[48:38] I would...

[48:39] There is a monster at the end of this book and its name is Grover.

[48:44] Spoiler alert.

Elliott Kalan

[48:48] I would not even recommend leaving the movie on while you're out in case someone has bugged

[48:53] your apartment and you don't want to force them to have to sit through it.

S3

[48:56] I would say that I enjoyed watching it with you guys and there was a bit of...

[49:02] Oh, thanks, bro.

[49:03] Sure thing.

[49:04] And there's a bit of schadenfreude that I enjoyed knowing that this movie cost like $30 million

[49:08] and I think it grossed like $300 in the United States.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] It's, I think...

[49:13] I mean, not counting movies that made zero money that were not released.

[49:16] It seems to be on record, whoever's keeping these records, as the least money-making movie

[49:21] in the United States history, possibly.

Stuart Wellington

[49:23] Yeah.

[49:24] And that was...

[49:24] Adjusted for inflation.

[49:25] That was probably just paid for by people to go into the movie theater and go BM or...

[49:30] I think there's...

Elliott Kalan

[49:31] I gotta buy a ticket to use your bathroom.

[49:34] Fine, I'll take one ticket to whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[49:36] I gotta spend two hours in the bathroom.

[49:38] I might as well be in a movie theater.

[49:40] Well, there was a...

[49:41] I think there was a theater...

Elliott Kalan

[49:42] I mean, it's so hot out.

[49:44] You know, the movie theater's air-conditioned and I can just murder myself in the theater

[49:47] and someone else will clean it up.

S3

[49:49] There was a theater, I think on the Wikipedia page, it says there was a theater in Phoenix

[49:53] that literally sold one ticket to one of its showings.

[49:56] And that was it.

[49:56] That was probably a bathroom.

[49:57] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[49:58] The screening of Spectre I was in the other day had two tickets sold.

[50:01] Really?

[50:02] Yeah.

[50:02] Well, I...

[50:03] It was also like a 1.05 p.m. screening.

[50:05] Yeah, like a month after it came out.

[50:07] It's been out for a while.

S3

[50:08] Anyway, I had fun watching it with you guys because we were all similarly frustrated by it.

[50:13] But...

[50:13] There you go.

[50:13] Yeah, but it's dog shit.

[50:14] It's a bad, bad movie.

[50:15] Yeah.

[50:15] I would not watch it again.

Dan McCoy

[50:16] Yeah, I would not.

[50:17] I definitely would not recommend watching it without the annotations.

[50:21] You said washing it?

[50:22] I wouldn't watch it at all.

[50:24] Yeah.

[50:24] As Stu said, you need the David Kalin annotations or else you're not going to be able to follow

[50:28] a lot of it too.

[50:29] Yeah.

S3

[50:29] I knew everything that was happening in it and I had trouble following it.

[50:33] So, that shows you how terrible it is.

[50:35] Soccer!

[50:36] Woohoo.

S5

[50:41] Hey, you like t-shirts, right?

[50:44] How about a mug?

[50:46] Are your walls looking a little bare?

[50:49] Visit maxfunstore.com and cover all of these bases and more.

[50:53] We just added some amazing new shirts and posters.

[50:56] So, visit today and outfit your home and torso with the freshest MaxFun merch.

[51:03] MaxFunstore.com

Dan McCoy

[51:04] Hey, it's Dan here.

[51:07] Thanks to all you crazy people, we sold out our Bell House live show in Brooklyn on Friday,

[51:15] January the 15th, within five days.

[51:18] And so, due to popular demand, we have added a second show on Saturday, January 16th.

[51:25] The very next day, doors open at 6pm, show at 6.30pm, tickets $12 at the Bell House in beautiful

[51:34] Gowanus, Brooklyn.

[51:36] You may ask us, will we be watching the same movie or will there be a different movie?

[51:42] There will be a different movie.

[51:45] Although, all of our comedy routines, except for Stewart's, who is an overachiever, will

[51:49] be the same before the show.

[51:51] So, two different shows, which means I assume that there will be some out there who will

[51:57] like to come to both shows.

[51:59] That's fine.

[52:00] We encourage it.

[52:01] Please, if you're crazy enough to want to come to both shows, do so.

[52:04] However, if you have a ticket for the first show, maybe hold off for a day or two and give

[52:09] someone who is not so lucky the first time around a chance to get a ticket.

[52:14] We would like to provide the opportunity for the widest variety of people to see the shows.

[52:21] So, links to buy tickets for the show will be up on our website, FlophousePodcast.com,

[52:28] or on the Bell House website.

[52:31] That's www.TheBellHouseNewYork.com.

[52:40] And we hope to see you there in January.

[52:44] Thanks.

[52:47] But now we should move on.

[52:49] Now we do.

[52:50] Letters from listeners.

[52:52] This will be fun.

[52:55] Hey, guys.

[52:56] I had a...

[52:57] I had a bit...

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] It doesn't sound fun.

[53:01] Yeah, usually things, when they're introduced that way, end up not being fun.

Dan McCoy

[53:05] I had a busy day at work today, and so I didn't get to choose letters.

[53:09] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] The old random mailbag.

S3

[53:11] So you're saying you usually just spend your time at work looking at letters for your podcast?

[53:15] I do.

[53:16] I do.

Elliott Kalan

[53:18] Dan, everyone knows you spend most of the day posting to Facebook and the Flophouse Facebook

Dan McCoy

[53:21] group.

[53:22] It's true.

[53:23] So I didn't have time to screen things.

[53:25] So we're going to play a little game called, I'm going to read the first four letters that

[53:29] come up in the Flophouse folder.

Elliott Kalan

[53:31] Hey, everybody.

[53:32] It's America's favorite game.

[53:35] The game called, I'm going to read the first four letters in the Flophouse folder.

[53:39] It's called Letter Roulette.

[53:41] Did you send a letter to Dan in the last ten minutes?

[53:45] Because if you did, if you did, we'll be reading it now.

[53:50] It's America's favorite game.

[53:53] Not soccer.

Dan McCoy

[53:54] All right.

[53:55] So this...

Stuart Wellington

[53:55] Because America doesn't like soccer.

[53:56] Hey, real quick, I want to jump here and give thanks to...

[53:58] America does like soccer.

[54:00] I want to make that clear, too.

[54:01] I want to say thanks to...

[54:02] The MLS Cup is happening.

[54:03] ...and all the other Houston floppers out there.

[54:08] Andrew, thanks for sending me the cassette mixtape for the horror movie marathon you guys

[54:15] showed, the heavy metal horror movie marathon you guys showed down at the Alamo Draft

[54:18] House.

[54:19] Thanks for the mixtape, dog.

[54:21] All right.

[54:22] Okay, Dan, it's your turn.

[54:22] Are you done with whatever bullshit that was?

Dan McCoy

[54:25] Wow, way to make your listeners...

[54:27] I was just thinking a list of you.

Stuart Wellington

[54:27] Yeah, way to make your listeners feel like shit.

Dan McCoy

[54:29] You sat up a bit and now you just...

Stuart Wellington

[54:31] Okay, and I also want to give thanks to...

[54:33] Okay.

[54:34] I want to give thanks to Ashley Shannon, Flophouse listener Ashley Shannon, who was kind enough

[54:39] to not only print off a copy of the contest winner's entry, but also put it in a lovely

[54:46] frame that matches the decor of my bar that will open someday.

[54:51] Hopefully.

[54:51] Otherwise, I will totally murder myself.

[54:54] Don't do it.

[54:55] So, Ashley Shannon, thank you so much.

[54:57] It looks beautiful.

[54:58] Expect to see tons of pictures of it on the internet.

[55:02] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[55:03] Okay, and I just want to jump in here and give a thanks to all of our brave men and women

[55:06] serving in America's fighting forces.

Stuart Wellington

[55:08] That's really brave for you to say, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] You know, I just...

[55:10] I feel like they don't go noticed enough.

S3

[55:13] So, this first letter is from...

[55:15] I would like to thank...

[55:16] Oh, God.

[55:17] No, that's all right.

[55:18] David's getting into the interrupted game.

[55:19] No, no, no.

[55:20] High five, Dave.

[55:21] Yeah, do it.

Stuart Wellington

[55:21] Go through it.

[55:22] Do a whole thing.

[55:22] It's a safe space.

[55:23] All right.

S3

[55:24] Except for Dan.

[55:25] I would like to thank the New York Mets, who I know you didn't go all the way this

[55:30] year, which Elliot reminds me about all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] Oh, I was about to say, right.

[55:33] I was about to thank the Kansas City Royals, lying their hearts out and just taking advantage

[55:37] of every error made by that other team.

[55:39] I don't remember who.

S3

[55:40] There were a lot of them.

[55:41] There were like three.

[55:42] No, you don't know what you were talking about.

[55:44] Errored the shit out of that thing.

[55:45] Daniel Murphy lets one fucking ball go under his glove.

[55:48] All right.

[55:49] I'm losing everybody now.

[55:50] Hey, poor catcher, son.

Elliott Kalan

[55:51] What's your name?

[55:52] Murphy.

S3

[55:52] Anyway, I tell people all you can hope is that a team you care about gives you a reason

[55:58] to care.

[55:59] And this year they did.

[56:01] And next year.

Dan McCoy

[56:01] All you can hope is that you find someone who loves you and you cling tight to them.

[56:06] You just cling tight.

S3

[56:07] I'm talking about realistic things.

[56:09] You just cling.

[56:09] You just cling wrap.

[56:10] You just cling tight.

[56:10] Nobody's going to love me, Dan.

[56:12] Oh, damn this.

Stuart Wellington

[56:13] Okay.

[56:14] So this has been the Flop House Podcast.

[56:15] I've been Dan McCoy.

[56:17] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[56:19] Something's wrong.

Dan McCoy

[56:21] I can't put my finger on it.

[56:22] Dan, who do you have to thank?

[56:24] I have to thank this first letter writer.

[56:26] Oh, come on.

[56:28] Dear Dan.

[56:30] This is from Irvin, last name withheld.

[56:32] Welsh.

[56:33] Wait, Magic Johnson?

[56:35] Yeah, that's right.

[56:36] Amazing.

[56:37] Slogging through the back catalogs, much to my girlfriend's displeasure, mostly because

[56:42] she finds Elliot's voice annoying.

[56:44] I heard a great bit of wisdom.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] Hey, we got a lot in common with my family.

[56:47] Carefully curated letter selection.

Dan McCoy

[56:50] Another thing I don't like about Elliot.

[56:52] I heard a great bit of wisdom on the Atlas Shrugged episode.

[56:55] Elliot said, to paraphrase, people always warn you about a slippery slope, but you know

[56:59] what a slippery slope is?

[57:00] A water slide.

[57:01] And it is great.

[57:03] I thought that shit brilliant.

[57:05] I ran to my girlfriend to share.

[57:06] And after I told her what Elliot said, she replied, I hate him.

[57:10] Whoa.

[57:11] Stuart is still my favorite.

[57:13] That's from Irvin, last name withheld.

[57:14] I don't know if I can talk as much, I guess, discuss.

[57:19] I don't know what to do.

Elliott Kalan

[57:19] It seems not like.

[57:21] Thanks.

[57:22] I think that's a great letter.

[57:23] Yeah, that was a fantastic letter.

[57:25] Well, my family likes me, mostly, except for my brother.

Stuart Wellington

[57:27] Well, I mean, I like you.

[57:31] Thanks.

S3

[57:32] So, growing up, was Elliot's voice always annoying?

[57:35] Oh, yeah.

[57:35] Very much so.

[57:36] Always.

[57:36] But he didn't, like, use it as much.

[57:38] Now you guys give him way too much free reign.

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] No, that's, I mean, I was not a confident child in many ways.

[57:43] I was not a confident adolescent.

[57:44] It really took getting into college and realizing that it was fun to be irritating.

[57:49] To get me to talk as much as I can.

Stuart Wellington

[57:51] And you also started that creatine program where you got super ripped.

[57:54] You got huge.

[57:54] Yeah, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[57:55] I was really into bodybuilding.

[57:57] I was one of the Tom Noonan of the area.

[57:59] I really got into bodybuilding.

[58:01] And then I just stopped.

[58:02] I wasn't interested anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[58:03] When we were kids.

[58:04] You changed your entire wardrobe to Zubaz and those Big Dogs t-shirts?

[58:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:11] I was all into whatever branded t-shirts I could wear.

[58:14] Life's a Beach.

[58:15] What was those ones where it was like.

[58:16] Bad Boys Club is what you're thinking of.

[58:18] What were the ones about, like.

[58:20] Co-ed Naked Volleyball?

[58:22] No.

[58:22] Like, he who wins with the most toys wins or something like that.

[58:26] I mean, that sounds like a t-shirt.

[58:28] There was ones where it would be like.

[58:31] I heard you, though, Dan.

[58:32] Enormous Johnson wore great t-shirts.

[58:34] Yeah, those were.

[58:34] An enormous silhouette of a basketball player who's like coming at you.

[58:39] Is that like a Space Jam thing?

S3

[58:41] No, it was not a Space Jam.

[58:42] When I was in Japan this summer, they had Space Jam t-shirts for sale in their department store.

Stuart Wellington

[58:47] You bought four of them and you were about to give them to us.

S3

[58:49] I thought about it.

Dan McCoy

[58:51] Space Jam shirts that were worn by schoolgirls.

[58:54] Probably.

[58:55] They're knitting machines.

S3

[58:57] I was going to say, when we were kids, though, I was probably the more irritating one.

[59:00] No.

[59:00] I know it's hard to believe.

[59:02] Get out of here.

[59:02] I know.

[59:04] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[59:05] So, Dan, what's the second random letter that's going to be about insulting me?

[59:07] Okay.

[59:08] It's titled, Stuart Gets the Shaft.

Dan McCoy

[59:12] Sounds like a weird start.

[59:14] I'm writing to express my displeasure with a trend I've noticed over the last several months.

[59:19] When listeners write into the show, they direct questions regarding cinema, history, writing, and philosophy to Dan and Elliot, where Stuart gets questions along the lines of, if you were going to fuck a sandwich, which would it be?

Stuart Wellington

[59:31] Wait, did you get asked that?

[59:33] It's pulled pork every time.

Dan McCoy

[59:34] I'd like to turn the tables here and throw a thoughtful question at my favorite peach.

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] What is the metaphysics of this sandwich that you're having sex with?

Stuart Wellington

[59:45] Pause it real quick so I can figure this out.

Dan McCoy

[59:47] Stuart, there's a bunch of movies out there that upon first release were given negative reviews, but received much more positive reviews in later years.

[59:55] Like United Passions.

[59:55] Walter Hill's The Warriors is one that comes to mind.

[59:58] Any movies you think got a bad rap that people will eventually come around to love in the future?

[1:00:03] Dan and Elliot.

[1:00:04] If you were going to fuck a sandwich, which one would it be?

[1:00:06] Tuna fish.

[1:00:07] Thanks for years of laughter, Zach.

[1:00:11] Yeah, I'm going to go egg salad, but Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:14] I think the most obvious one, at least to me, would be John Carter of recent years.

[1:00:20] Not that John Carter is the greatest movie, but it was really maligned by critics who saw the terrible box office results and started just shitting on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:31] And even before it came out, they wanted to take down this expensive movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:34] Yeah, exactly.

[1:00:35] And I think, I mean, I'm not going to say it's the best movie in the world.

[1:00:38] Don't edit that and change that, Elliot.

[1:00:42] But, I mean, I think for a big space adventure, I think it's pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:48] And it's got big rig in outer space.

[1:00:50] Sure, yeah.

[1:00:51] Dan, maybe the two of us could double team like a hoagie.

[1:00:53] I don't want to.

[1:00:54] Like a party sub.

[1:00:55] Let's not talk about double teaming anything.

[1:00:58] You guys could high five each other while it's happening.

[1:01:00] Exactly.

[1:01:01] And we're not being demeaning because it's a sandwich.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:03] And the fun part is that you guys could, like, look into each other's eyes.

[1:01:06] You could maybe talk.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:07] Yeah, we could talk about what's going on in our lives.

[1:01:09] Unless we're watching the movie Dumble Team.

[1:01:11] I don't want to talk about it.

[1:01:12] Dumble Team?

[1:01:12] Is that the Dumbledore case?

[1:01:14] Yeah, that's right.

[1:01:15] Him and Dennis Rodman, we're a great team.

[1:01:17] Dumbledore.

[1:01:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:18] I'm just really glad that sandwich question wasn't asked of me.

[1:01:21] I mean, Dumbledore is gay.

[1:01:22] No, that's what I'm saying.

[1:01:23] The gay Dumbledore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:26] Dumbledore goes fishing.

[1:01:28] There you go.

[1:01:31] The magic is that he's standing on his knees.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:37] I made the lower half of my legs disappear.

[1:01:41] Through the power of shoes on knees.

[1:01:45] Through the power of kneeling.

[1:01:47] I made it a whole character.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:49] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:50] It was, I watched those commercials all the time when I was a kid.

[1:01:53] And it wasn't until I went, I was on a USO tour of Afghanistan.

[1:01:58] And we were in a USO, like, recreation facility for soldiers.

[1:02:03] And had, like, 30 minutes to kill.

[1:02:05] And we, this huge selection of videos.

[1:02:07] And one of them was Dorf goes fishing.

[1:02:08] And we watched some of it.

[1:02:10] And it was the only time I'd ever really seen Dorf.

[1:02:12] And I was like, this is terrible.

[1:02:14] This is not what I was led to believe for all those commercials.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:19] The nonstop hilarity on display in those commercials.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:22] I expected better of Tim Conway kneeling.

[1:02:23] They put all the good stuff in the commercials.

S3

[1:02:26] Just like United Passions.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:28] Yeah.

[1:02:29] We're so on commercial for it.

[1:02:31] That's why it failed.

S3

[1:02:32] You don't read as many soccer blogs as I do, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] Dan, read us another letter, won't you?

[1:02:38] Put this back on the table.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:39] Yeah.

[1:02:40] So next in this delightful game that we're playing.

[1:02:44] Is from Rebecca, last name withheld.

[1:02:46] The movie.

[1:02:47] Who, De Mornay.

[1:02:49] It's titled.

[1:02:50] The first Mrs. De Winter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:52] It's titled What the Fuck.

[1:02:54] It's a podcast.

[1:02:55] Wow.

[1:02:56] Stars Mark Harmon.

[1:02:59] In summer school.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:05] She writes, this is not a letter.

[1:03:07] This is an email.

[1:03:09] Those goddamn songs have been a lie.

[1:03:12] And that's it.

[1:03:13] What?

[1:03:14] I mean, I wasn't singing about this letter.

[1:03:16] Speak to that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:17] Speak to that.

[1:03:18] Yep.

[1:03:18] It holds up a real hand mirror.

S3

[1:03:20] You guys do get actual snail mail stuff sometimes, though.

[1:03:23] Yeah, we do.

[1:03:23] We read one last episode.

[1:03:24] I just read some snail mails I got.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:26] Yeah.

[1:03:27] Mail from a snail.

[1:03:28] Letting no one say the postal service isn't still amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:30] Dear the Flophouse, can you please tell people to stop eating us?

[1:03:33] Salt at me.

[1:03:34] And putting salt on me?

[1:03:36] Just because I'm a male and a female doesn't mean I can have sex with myself.

[1:03:41] Love a snail.

[1:03:43] How many escargot?

[1:03:43] A period snail.

[1:03:44] The A stands for Archibald.

S3

[1:03:45] How much escargot do you think Gerard Depardieu ate before this movie was made?

[1:03:50] Before the movie?

[1:03:51] Like through his whole life?

[1:03:52] No, no.

[1:03:53] Like in preparation.

[1:03:54] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:55] In preparation?

[1:03:57] Yes.

[1:03:57] It's like he was studying.

S3

[1:03:58] Yeah, exactly.

[1:04:00] He said, you know what the world needs is a fat Jules Rimet.

[1:04:02] It too.

[1:04:03] Even though that's not a real thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:04] To play a FIFA executive, I must think like a FIFA executive, which I assume means eating

[1:04:08] delicious food all the time.

S3

[1:04:10] Who wouldn't believe a man who's obsessed with soccer would be enormous and probably unable

[1:04:14] to play the game?

[1:04:14] I mean, the...

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:17] I need to be slow and hard to not be slimy.

[1:04:21] I will have to eat snails to gain the power of the snails.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:24] I will create a shell out of human fat around my body and carry it with me like a house.

[1:04:31] I'll be able to retract into it at hard or stressful times in my life.

[1:04:35] Gerard, I don't think you understand how human bodies work.

S3

[1:04:39] He just needs to eat enough so that it looks like he is retracting into the shell.

[1:04:44] Oh, now come now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:45] He hasn't done it yet.

[1:04:46] He's a normal man.

[1:04:47] He just has large appetites.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:49] He's not a freak of nature.

[1:04:51] He's just a large man.

[1:04:53] What you're saying is bogus.

[1:04:55] He's the movie bogus.

[1:04:57] Gerard de Bardu.

[1:04:59] Look, my father, the hero, would not stand for this.

[1:05:03] I'll have to give you a green card for this file.

[1:05:06] Is that worse than a red card?

[1:05:08] It's way worse.

[1:05:09] Oh, God.

[1:05:10] It's a personal file.

[1:05:11] A red card means stop doing what you're doing.

[1:05:13] A green card says go to jail.

S3

[1:05:15] I'm sorry.

[1:05:16] I even opened this door.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:18] To the last metro.

[1:05:20] I say Cyrano to you, sir.

[1:05:24] French movies that I don't remember right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:28] This last letter of the evening.

[1:05:30] Oh, I thought that was the last letter.

[1:05:31] It's from Riley.

[1:05:33] Last name withheld.

[1:05:35] And she writes, I literally just woke up from a dream whereupon I was sitting with my...

[1:05:43] What?

[1:05:45] Just go on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:46] An interesting way to start an email.

[1:05:48] I won't call them letters anymore.

[1:05:49] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:50] I literally just woke up from a dream whereupon I was sitting with my three favorite peaches.

[1:05:56] Stuart turns on a film and it begins with a green field and blue sky.

[1:06:00] What is this?

[1:06:00] I ask.

[1:06:01] A small baby in a wagon pulls on screen.

[1:06:04] I don't remember what he said.

[1:06:05] I look up the film.

[1:06:07] Elliot.

[1:06:08] Oh, just wait.

[1:06:09] You'll see.

[1:06:10] And plot twist.

[1:06:11] The film is the only of the three recommendations of power I've not seen.

[1:06:16] Head of the Family.

[1:06:17] I don't know if Head of the Family starts this way, but I guess my subconscious thinks it does.

[1:06:22] What's weirder is I have my first Flophouse dream off the back of three days of journalism

[1:06:26] in Syrian refugee camps on the island of Khos Kreece.

[1:06:30] All my best, Riley.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:32] So...

[1:06:33] Well, I'm pretty sure Head of the Family begins with a shot of a model house.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:40] Like a model house or a house that is a model?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:43] Like a house that's a model.

[1:06:45] A house where models live.

[1:06:46] Like in the hit reality show Model House.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:49] Yeah, what Elliot said.

[1:06:51] Yeah.

[1:06:51] It's a house that's filled with tiny models.

[1:06:54] Models of, I don't know, hobbits, Boba Fetts.

[1:06:58] Like minifigs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] Yeah, minifigs.

[1:07:01] A couple of Lego dudes, a tank.

[1:07:03] Is that like a fig that's not big enough to put in a Newton?

[1:07:05] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:10] At the quality control for Fig Newtons, they're like, this is not a Newton fig.

[1:07:16] Away with you.

[1:07:18] And they throw it into the Newton compactor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:20] You sound like you're in FIFA or FIGFA.

[1:07:24] The fig organization.

[1:07:27] Oh, please.

[1:07:27] Come on.

[1:07:28] This is a serious organization.

[1:07:30] Sorry.

[1:07:31] So Dan, how old is the federal?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:33] Fig is not for a cookie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:38] Fig funny.

[1:07:41] Federal investigative general.

[1:07:44] Oh, it's federal.

[1:07:45] Right.

[1:07:46] For.

[1:07:47] Whoa.

[1:07:48] Oh.

[1:07:49] Federal investigative.

[1:07:52] Yep.

[1:07:52] General.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:53] The big football club.

[1:07:55] Fuck assembly.

[1:07:58] All right.

[1:07:59] I don't know what it does.

[1:08:00] I don't know, but I like the sound of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:03] So Dan, when was the last time you had a dream where we were all in it?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:09] Including me.

[1:08:09] I don't think that's ever happened.

[1:08:10] Honestly.

[1:08:11] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:12] I have dreams about you guys all the time.

[1:08:13] Really?

[1:08:14] We're hanging out.

[1:08:15] Just being really good friends.

S3

[1:08:18] Have you ever had any dreams that just include me?

[1:08:22] Or nightmares?

[1:08:22] Whatever you want to call it.

[1:08:23] I don't know.

[1:08:23] Are you asking me?

[1:08:24] Both of you.

[1:08:25] Anybody.

[1:08:26] I'm sure I've been in dreams with Elliot's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:28] Maybe.

[1:08:29] I don't really remember many dreams that involve.

S3

[1:08:31] I've been your brother for three decades.

[1:08:33] There had to have been one somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:35] Maybe.

[1:08:35] I probably forgot.

[1:08:36] Oh, this hurts.

[1:08:37] I remember very well the dream I had where Dan died.

[1:08:39] That was a terrible dream.

[1:08:40] Did you ever have a dream where you guys are arm wrestling?

S3

[1:08:42] Way to make this sad.

[1:08:43] What?

[1:08:44] Are you just trying to get us to arm wrestle right now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:46] I mean, there's only way to find out if this is a dream or not.

[1:08:49] Let's finish it.

[1:08:51] Just watch out.

[1:08:51] I might turn my hat around and go over the top.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:56] If only there was an arm wrestling committee that would decide if that's against the rules or not.

[1:09:00] But where the fuck is going on?

S3

[1:09:04] We will be.

[1:09:06] We need a bunch of people with generic European accents to explain to us how to do this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:12] Slap these old-timey mustaches on.

[1:09:13] We're going to form this organization.

[1:09:15] Whether the English like it or not.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:20] The English are like, yeah, whatever.

[1:09:22] Have your arm wrestling.

[1:09:23] I don't care.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:24] So, guys, this is the part of the podcast where we do recommendations now?

[1:09:30] That's right, Stu.

[1:09:31] This is the part of the podcast where we...

[1:09:32] You're taking control.

[1:09:33] You're largely in charge.

[1:09:34] Yeah.

[1:09:36] If it's up to us, we've got to take control.

[1:09:40] Ghostbusters 2.

[1:09:40] Yes.

[1:09:43] So...

[1:09:43] His name was Robert Brown.

[1:09:48] His name was Ghostbusters 2.

[1:09:54] So...

[1:09:55] This is where we recommend...

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:56] As a wise man once said, they do what they want to do.

[1:10:00] Play what they want to play.

[1:10:02] Live how they want to live.

[1:10:03] That man's name?

[1:10:04] Adam's family.

[1:10:07] Hammer.

[1:10:12] The MC stands for Adam's family.

[1:10:14] He threw people off the scent of his real name by using fake letters.

[1:10:20] Wow.

[1:10:21] Wait, the letters were?

[1:10:22] Yeah.

[1:10:23] What?

[1:10:23] Yeah.

[1:10:23] What?

[1:10:23] He said his real initials were AF Hammer.

[1:10:26] Adam's family Hammer.

[1:10:27] But he was like, I don't want people to learn my real name because then they'll have power

[1:10:30] over me because I'm a demon.

[1:10:31] So I'll tell people my name is MC Hammer and they'll be guessing.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:34] He looked at a picture of MC Ganey and he's like...

S3

[1:10:37] We look similar.

[1:10:39] Yeah.

[1:10:40] They look pretty similar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:43] So wait, we're doing recommendations?

[1:10:44] Because when he had a poster of MC Ganey up on his wall.

[1:10:47] From Tiger Beats.

[1:10:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:50] Yeah, to pull those tables out, put that up there next to Stacey Keach.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:57] I'm sorry, Tiger Beats series of Joey Olderman.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:00] Under Heath of Powers booth.

[1:11:03] Oh, man.

[1:11:05] It's so sexy.

[1:11:06] Thanks to us.

[1:11:07] It was like William Devane.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:09] It was such a proud day for Dean Norris when he finally got that Tiger Beats poster.

[1:11:13] He knew he'd made it that day.

S3

[1:11:17] Or like Brian Dennehy.

[1:11:18] Is he also in this group of people?

[1:11:20] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:20] Brian Dennehy, Paul Servino, James Gandolfini, all these guys.

S3

[1:11:24] How do you have so many portly middle-aged actors ready on recall?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:28] That's just what I think about a lot.

[1:11:30] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:34] Okay.

[1:11:35] Hold on.

[1:11:35] Recommendations.

[1:11:36] This is where we recommend movies that you should watch instead of the movie that we wasted

[1:11:40] our time with.

S3

[1:11:41] Thanks for considering time with me away, Stan.

[1:11:43] That's really cool.

[1:11:44] Oh, boy.

[1:11:45] Man.

[1:11:45] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:46] This is going to make Thanksgiving awkward if it hadn't already happened and you're from

[1:11:50] different families.

S3

[1:11:51] But he still came to your Thanksgiving.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:53] Please stop by afterwards.

[1:11:54] Yeah.

[1:11:54] Just for a peek behind the curtain.

[1:11:56] And a hair of the turkey.

[1:11:58] Ah.

S3

[1:11:58] Turkey was full of hair.

[1:12:00] Why did you use a hairy turkey?

[1:12:02] I was going to say the turkey was pretty good, but I didn't know it had hair in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:05] It was covered in hair.

S3

[1:12:06] That's disgusting.

[1:12:07] Thanks, Edel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:09] So, another one for the record books.

[1:12:12] Case closed.

[1:12:13] We're not done yet.

[1:12:14] We still haven't done our last thing.

[1:12:15] Can someone do recommendations?

[1:12:16] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:17] So, I'm going to recommend a movie that you should watch.

[1:12:19] Hey, guys.

[1:12:20] Do you like soccer?

[1:12:23] Well, why don't you pull up a movie called Shaolin Soccer?

[1:12:28] Which is as different from the movie we just watched as any possible movie you'll ever watch.

[1:12:35] Shaolin Soccer is a, I guess, is it Chinese, I guess?

[1:12:40] I think it's Chinese, yeah.

[1:12:41] It's directed, written and directed and starring Stephen Chow, who is a, I guess, a Looney Tunes of a performer.

[1:12:49] It is a martial arts movie that is filled with a ton of special effects, where a young man joins a soccer team made up of all Kung Fu masters,

[1:13:02] and they play against the evil team who use drugs to make them supernaturally good at soccer.

[1:13:09] Yeah, it's a super crazy-ass movie.

[1:13:11] You should totally watch it.

[1:13:12] It's fast-paced.

[1:13:13] It's funny.

[1:13:14] It's filled with funny, traditional Chinese nicknames, where they'll call the heavyweight guy, the heavyset guy, Fatso, and things like that.

[1:13:25] At least in the subtitled version I watched.

[1:13:28] There's a lot of dancing.

[1:13:29] I totally recommend it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:32] Shaolin Soccer.

[1:13:32] It's a fun movie.

[1:13:34] You don't have to like soccer to watch it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:36] No.

[1:13:36] Or Shaolins, although that helps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:38] It certainly helps.

S3

[1:13:40] What happens in it does not really resemble soccer very closely.

[1:13:43] So it's like United Nations.

[1:13:44] It's closer to soccer than this movie was.

[1:13:47] I will give you that.

[1:13:48] And that someone kicks a ball.

[1:13:49] Yeah, and that there is somebody kicking a ball.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:51] I mean, Kung Fu Hustle is closer to soccer in this movie.

[1:13:53] I think somebody kicks up also hard people's clothes ripoff.

[1:13:57] So I think it's pretty accurate.

[1:13:58] That's true.

[1:13:58] I played soccer for a lot of years.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:00] I'm sexy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:01] Now I played zapped soccer, and that used to happen a lot.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:04] I want to recommend a movie.

S3

[1:14:09] Just like that's the concept?

[1:14:11] I want to recommend a movie.

[1:14:13] I really would like to, but I can't.

[1:14:15] So moving on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:16] I'm contractually obligated to recommend a trailer for a TV show.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:19] No, I watched a movie that I got one of the many award screeners.

[1:14:26] I sat down and watched Steve Jobs.

[1:14:28] Oh, I still haven't watched that one yet.

[1:14:30] You know, I'll say this about the movie.

[1:14:32] I think that it's hampered by high expectations.

[1:14:34] The last time Aaron Sorkin wrote a movie about a tech wizard, it was The Social Network, and it was horrific.

[1:14:42] And this is not that movie.

[1:14:45] This is, and I feel like there's a lot of expectations about this movie.

[1:14:50] It's Danny Boyle directing it, right?

[1:14:52] Yeah, he's a great director, I think, to people thought.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:55] Danny Boyle.

[1:14:57] Good stuff.

[1:14:58] The Oscars, the Oscars are calling.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:01] Well, that's what I was going to say.

[1:15:02] I feel like they thought that this was going to be a big Oscar contender, and then it sunk like a stone in movie theaters.

[1:15:08] Like an Emma Stone, if you tie a stone to her.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] Is she in this movie?

[1:15:11] No, but she'll sink if you make her.

[1:15:14] She sank like a Chris Rock, so she's not a witch.

[1:15:19] Yep.

[1:15:20] Like a regular avalanche.

[1:15:22] What was that guy's name?

[1:15:23] Avalanche.

[1:15:23] Bruce Valanche.

[1:15:24] Bruce Valanche.

S3

[1:15:25] Bruce Valanche, that's who it was.

[1:15:27] Bruce Valanche, the third president of FIFA.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:29] I guess seventh, sorry.

[1:15:30] He needs my time to write all those Academy quips.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:33] But it's a fun movie.

[1:15:34] I'll say this.

[1:15:35] It's a movie that really feels like a play, which is no surprise since Sorkin started out as a playwright.

[1:15:42] But it's structured like a play.

[1:15:44] It's basically Steve Jobs having conversations with the same sort of six figures that are important to his life.

[1:15:54] Minifigs.

[1:15:56] It's literally split into three acts, and each of the acts is before a big product launch in his career.

[1:16:06] And he has conversations with the same six people at different times in his career.

[1:16:11] And structurally, that's kind of like fun to watch.

[1:16:13] It really is like watching a glossy Broadway play that's well-turned, but not very deep.

[1:16:23] So if you want to watch sort of an entertaining thing that's a little like a chamber piece, let's call it, I enjoyed Steve Jobs.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:32] Yeah, the structure sounded interesting to me.

[1:16:34] Not interesting enough to get me to the old movie theater.

[1:16:37] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:37] I mean, I would like to watch it.

[1:16:39] It's a weird movie where I am more interested in the structure than the subject matter.

[1:16:45] Yeah.

[1:16:45] Like I don't find Steve Jobs to be that particularly interesting a person.

S3

[1:16:49] I just want to see if we can find out once and for all if Michael Fassbender is a better actor than Ashton Kutcher.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:56] That's a good question.

[1:16:56] It is the first time they've gone head to head.

[1:16:58] Well, I mean, Ashton Kutcher did make his own version of Shame, but he's a little different.

[1:17:02] And then there's that season of Two and a Half Men where Michael Fassbender was starring in it.

[1:17:06] It was a very dark season.

[1:17:07] It really was.

[1:17:08] I've seen us a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:09] There was that season of that 70s show where Ashton Kutcher's character wore a giant paper mache head the whole time.

[1:17:15] It wasn't weird.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:17] It wasn't Android.

[1:17:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:21] Oh, yeah.

[1:17:21] He got into a fish tank.

[1:17:23] He played Peter O'Toole.

[1:17:24] That's my recommendation.

[1:17:25] Dave looks at me like, is that it?

[1:17:26] It's not great, but it's very enjoyable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:28] Hey, Dave, this is your first time on the show.

[1:17:30] This is time for you to recommend a movie.

[1:17:32] Oh, man.

[1:17:33] You make the call.

[1:17:34] Other than fucking Moneyball, because I've already heard of Moneyball.

[1:17:37] I'm not going to recommend Moneyball.

[1:17:38] Well, I was looking at...

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:40] Moneyball 2, Mo Money, Mo Ball.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:42] I was looking at Dan...

[1:17:44] You can't recommend Mo Money either, because I've recommended that like 17 times.

S3

[1:17:47] I was looking at Dan because he looked at me like...

[1:17:49] Stacy Dash is a treasure.

[1:17:50] Like, Dave, it's your turn, but I wasn't sure if...

Dan McCoy

[1:17:52] Dash to the theaters to see Stacy in this one.

S3

[1:17:55] I wasn't sure if Elliot was supposed to go first or what.

[1:17:57] You go.

[1:17:57] I'll go last.

[1:17:57] Okay.

[1:17:58] I actually...

[1:17:59] I have two movies because everybody, including these co-hosts, everybody's expecting me to

[1:18:07] recommend something sports-related, so I'll give you that, I guess.

[1:18:10] You have a Kalen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:11] Two movies to recommend.

[1:18:12] Yeah, that's right.

[1:18:13] Two movies to also.

S3

[1:18:13] Uh-huh.

[1:18:14] So the sports movie...

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:15] That's why we both have aprons that say Kalen's do it twice.

S3

[1:18:20] Anyway.

[1:18:21] The sports movie I'll recommend is a while back.

[1:18:23] I watched a Netflix documentary called The Battered Bastards of Baseball, which is about

[1:18:27] a minor league team...

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:29] It's about alliteration.

[1:18:30] Yeah.

[1:18:31] No, it's about a minor league baseball team.

[1:18:33] And how in the future it's outlawed.

S3

[1:18:35] It's about a minor league baseball team called the Portland Mavericks that played in the 1970s

[1:18:39] that was owned by Kurt Russell's dad.

[1:18:41] Right.

[1:18:42] I'm listening.

[1:18:42] Kurt Russell played for them for a few years, I think, and it also had a couple of major league

[1:18:47] cast-offs.

[1:18:48] Jim Boughton was on the team.

[1:18:50] Ball 4.

[1:18:51] He wrote Ball 4, and he also invented Big League Chew, if that's the sort of thing you're

[1:18:55] into.

[1:18:56] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:57] Shredding bubble gum.

[1:18:58] Uh-huh.

[1:18:58] I'm fucking super into it.

[1:19:01] Does it simulate chewing tobacco?

[1:19:03] Yes, please.

S3

[1:19:04] It's a pretty fun documentary, because it's a bunch of crazy characters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:07] It's the way that he's kids into tobacco use.

S3

[1:19:10] It's got a bunch of...

[1:19:11] Well, that's not why he invented it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:13] No, he invented it to make money.

S3

[1:19:14] He invented it to make money and to give baseball players something to chew that wasn't

[1:19:17] tobacco.

[1:19:18] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:19] Anyway, it's a fun...

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:20] I mean, there's no reason they couldn't just chew chewing gum.

S3

[1:19:23] It's a fun documentary, but it also kind of shows how hypocritical Major League Baseball

[1:19:27] is to a certain degree.

[1:19:28] It's pretty good.

[1:19:30] That wasn't what I was going to recommend, but then everybody, when I came here, was like,

[1:19:32] what sports movie do you have to recommend?

[1:19:34] So that's that.

[1:19:34] Did you ever say that?

[1:19:35] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:36] Dead-on impression of us.

S3

[1:19:38] Oh, what sports movie do you have to recommend?

[1:19:40] The movie I was going to recommend is...

[1:19:43] It's me, too.

[1:19:47] It was last week.

[1:19:48] Last week, I watched Beasts of No Nation, which is not fun to watch at all.

[1:19:54] It's really disturbing, so don't watch it before you go to bed or something, or if you want

[1:19:57] to have a good time.

[1:19:58] But it's pretty good.

[1:20:00] Hey, kid, you want to have a good time?

[1:20:02] What you're saying is, get up first thing in the morning.

[1:20:04] Yeah, first thing you should do.

[1:20:05] Watch Beasts of No Nation.

[1:20:05] Watch this movie about child soldiers in the Civil War.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:08] You want maximum time between finishing the movie and going to bed.

[1:20:10] Yeah, but it's...

[1:20:11] Make some eggs.

[1:20:12] Yeah.

[1:20:12] Then you start your day.

S3

[1:20:14] It's pretty good.

[1:20:14] Idris Elba's really great in it.

[1:20:17] You should watch it.

[1:20:18] It's on Netflix.

[1:20:19] Go do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:20] Prometheus' Idris Elba?

[1:20:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:22] That's what he's best known for.

[1:20:24] Rumored Roland Deshane from the Dark Tower series, Idris Elba?

[1:20:29] Wasn't he?

[1:20:29] Yeah, no.

[1:20:30] That is a super topical.

S3

[1:20:31] I thought his biggest role was in...

[1:20:34] Obsessed?

[1:20:34] Idris Elba?

[1:20:35] Heimdall from Thor?

[1:20:38] No, what was that movie with the giant robots?

[1:20:40] The Pacific Rim.

[1:20:41] Yeah, that's his biggest...

[1:20:42] Pac-ree?

[1:20:43] Yeah.

[1:20:44] Pac-ree.

[1:20:45] Pac-ree.

[1:20:46] That's what all the kids call it.

[1:20:47] As the fans call it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:48] Yeah.

[1:20:48] Members of Pac-Fra, the playing association for Pacific Rim.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:53] I'll recommend my movies.

[1:20:54] We're going long.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:56] Elliot's going to have to go super fast.

[1:20:58] I'm going to recommend two movies that are about white people going to countries where

[1:21:02] non-white people live and doing stuff that's not so great to them.

[1:21:06] One's a new movie.

[1:21:07] One's an old movie.

[1:21:08] The new movie is...

[1:21:09] Man Who Would Be King?

[1:21:10] That is a great movie.

[1:21:11] Yeah.

[1:21:12] I think we already recommend it.

[1:21:13] The new movie is Sicario, which is directed by that French director who did Prisoners, which

[1:21:20] I didn't love, but it looks great.

[1:21:23] Did you like Enemy?

[1:21:24] I haven't seen it.

[1:21:25] That's great.

[1:21:25] But Sicario is a...

[1:21:27] In one sense, it's about the drug war that the US is waging against Mexican gangs, but

[1:21:33] it is a very unrealistic movie that is dosed with a thick layer of realism.

[1:21:40] And so it actually is a really intense, intense movie.

[1:21:45] And there's some scenes in it that are just amazing for how intense and how hard they hit

[1:21:50] you.

[1:21:50] But then when you're done watching it, you're like, wait a minute, I don't know if that's

[1:21:54] really how the drug war operates.

[1:21:56] And Benicio Del Toro plays one of these kind of silent, mysterious assassin types in it.

S3

[1:22:02] And he's really good at it.

[1:22:03] He's pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:04] It's a great looking movie.

[1:22:07] It's rare that I appreciate landscape shooting in a movie because it's pretty easy to take

[1:22:13] a camera and point it at a beautiful landscape.

[1:22:15] But they've managed to take some of the most kind of bleak landscapes on the North American

[1:22:20] continent and really make them look interesting and beautiful.

[1:22:23] So Sicario, if you want a grim and intense drug war thriller.

[1:22:28] If you're looking for something that's slightly lighter, there's, I recently watched Bo Jest,

[1:22:34] the 1939 version of that story, which is a William Wellman movie with Gary Cooper and

[1:22:38] Ray Moland and Robert Preston.

[1:22:41] And it's the classic tale of three high society Englishmen who.

[1:22:46] Just checking my email.

[1:22:47] Because this is a movie from the 30s, they all have.

S3

[1:22:49] I like that you made a point to point out that it was the 1939 version.

[1:22:53] Yeah, there's more than one version of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:55] I'm not recommending those versions.

[1:22:56] I haven't seen them.

[1:22:57] Okay.

[1:22:58] I recommend the 1939 one where it's about three brothers.

[1:23:01] One of them has stolen a big gem, but, and they all leave to join the French.

[1:23:07] They all leave to join the French foreign legion as a way of keeping their honor.

[1:23:13] And they end up under the command of Brian Donlevy as this very sadistic commander of this foreign

[1:23:20] legion regiment.

[1:23:21] And he is amazingly horrifying and creepy in it.

[1:23:24] There's some great action scenes with shootouts with the Muslim nomadic tribes that are going

[1:23:31] through the area and fighting the French.

[1:23:33] And it's just a really good, like, old-fashioned adventure type movie.

[1:23:38] As long as you don't think about the fact that these guys are basically just volunteering

[1:23:41] to be part of a colonial force.

[1:23:43] That really doesn't have much reason to be there.

[1:23:45] But Bo Jest, if you want more of an old-fashioned take on those things.

S3

[1:23:49] Sicario, if we want a new-fashioned take on them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:52] Okay.

[1:23:53] Wow, that was two, four, five, six movies recommended.

[1:23:57] Yeah.

[1:23:58] Two of them coming from each of the Kalen brothers.

[1:24:01] What a surprise.

[1:24:01] Yeah, you got your homework for next week.

[1:24:04] Christmas.

[1:24:04] I don't fucking remember.

[1:24:06] When did we put this movie out?

[1:24:07] This podcast out?

[1:24:08] Put this movie out?

S3

[1:24:10] We were supposed to be making a movie?

[1:24:11] Oh, no.

[1:24:12] Jesus.

[1:24:13] This episode is the length of a film.

[1:24:15] Pretty low production costs.

[1:24:16] Every episode you guys have put out in the last, like, six months has been an hour and a half.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:20] We get all wrapped up talking about stupid garbage.

[1:24:24] Radio zorks and whatnot.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:26] Now that Elliot's not complaining about his day job all the time, we've got room to stretch.

[1:24:31] That's true.

[1:24:32] We just stretch it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:35] Stretching it out.

[1:24:36] Instead of having to rush home to go to sleep, he rushes home to sleep on a giant mountain of cocaine.

S3

[1:24:42] You clearly know my brother really well.

[1:24:44] He's a crazy party animal now.

[1:24:46] He is a wild partier.

[1:24:48] He has always loved cocaine.

[1:24:50] Always.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:51] Your eyes don't match your belly.

[1:24:54] I just remember.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:55] I don't know what that even means.

[1:24:57] I like the idea that in your world, you're swallowing all this cocaine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:04] How are you supposed to eat it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:06] But also, it's like, that is like a scene from an 80s movie with like a Japanese character who keeps mistranslating American phrases.

[1:25:14] Instead of saying, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, he goes, oh, my eyes don't match my belly.

S3

[1:25:20] I just like the idea.

[1:25:21] That's right, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:21] It's raining squirrels and bears out there.

S3

[1:25:25] I just like the idea of Elliot as a huge coke fiend, which is amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:29] Like, Elliot, why don't you come over?

[1:25:32] That's the way the pastry dissolves.

S3

[1:25:33] Elliot, why don't you watch this Buster Keaton movie with me?

[1:25:35] And he's like, no, no, no.

[1:25:36] Fuck that guy.

[1:25:37] I got to do more cocaine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:38] I can do more cocaine.

[1:25:39] He's got the energy of cocaine.

S3

[1:25:41] That's true, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:44] A lot of zazz.

[1:25:45] It's just like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:46] I'm nervous that if Elliot started taking too many uppers, he'd become the micromachine pitchman.

[1:25:55] Yeah, he's just talking about micromachines all the time.

[1:25:58] Yeah, you know Elliot's obsession with classic cars, but small versions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:02] Only when they're tiny.

[1:26:04] I don't want to drive them.

[1:26:05] I want to hold them in the palm of my hand.

[1:26:06] And he wears a jumpsuit everywhere he goes.

[1:26:08] And a cap.

[1:26:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:10] Can't get this mustache to wear.

[1:26:11] It's a great mustache, yeah.

S3

[1:26:12] Well, you would have fit in in the movie, though, if you had a goofy mustache.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:15] Wait, there is a micromachines movie, and I'm just finding out about it?

[1:26:18] Oh, no, no.

[1:26:20] United Passions.

[1:26:21] If he had the micromachine guy's mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:23] A wizard steals the micromachine's guy ability to fast talk.

[1:26:27] That would have made that movie way quicker.

[1:26:29] No, but he steals it.

[1:26:30] He talks slow now.

[1:26:31] He talks super slow.

[1:26:32] That's why the movie is seven hours long.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:35] With an intermission, of course.

[1:26:37] The overture is performed by.

[1:26:39] Dancing candy and stuff.

[1:26:40] I don't know.

[1:26:42] Glenn dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:46] There's that 10-minute overture that Glenn dancing does.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:49] Okay, well, this is just nonsense now.

[1:26:52] We've got to wrap it up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:52] Okay, so time to wrap it up for the Flop House podcast.

[1:26:56] Thanks for joining us.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:00] You ran out of steam there, Steve.

[1:27:01] You threw off the whole rhythm of the thing.

[1:27:03] I've been Dan McCoy.

S3

[1:27:05] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:27:06] I've been David, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:08] And I'm Elliot Kalin, David's brother.

[1:27:11] Hooray for brothers.

[1:27:13] We did it.

[1:27:13] And soccer.

[1:27:14] Yeah.

[1:27:15] Yeah.

[1:27:16] You guys can't keep making jokes while I have beer in my mouth.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:27] Thanks for calling those jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:30] Really, this just sounds.

[1:27:36] Classic Flop House bit.

[1:27:38] Making mouse sounds.

S3

[1:27:41] I would hang myself if I was here all the time.

[1:27:45] With the three of you, I mean.

[1:27:46] I'd say if you were Dan's room.

[1:27:47] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:48] Dan seemed really nice.

[1:27:49] He let me have two beers for free.

[1:27:51] That's pretty good.

[1:27:52] I mean, some would say that's the least a host should provide.

[1:27:56] Ladies drink free.

[1:27:57] I mean.

[1:27:57] Others would say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:58] Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

[1:28:00] I brought the beer, so you don't.

[1:28:02] Dan doesn't deserve anything.

S3

[1:28:03] Dan, let me have some free beers from Stuart.

[1:28:05] I mean, I remind you to bring beers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:07] I guess.

[1:28:08] Yeah, I guess you get half credit.

[1:28:11] Yeah.

[1:28:11] Then you got the assist.

[1:28:12] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:13] Nice sports terms.

[1:28:15] Thanks.

[1:28:15] Mazel tov.

[1:28:16] Maximumfun.org.

S6

[1:28:19] Comedy and culture.

[1:28:20] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:21] Listener supported.

S6

[1:28:22] The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious

[1:28:27] golden rubies.

[1:28:29] And he says, what do you do, adventurers?

[1:28:31] I'm a dragon man.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:32] I cast fire on him.

[1:28:33] It's very good.

S6

[1:28:34] I address the red dragon and say, us, we're the hosts of the Adventure Zone, a podcast about

[1:28:39] family playing Dungeons & Dragons.

[1:28:41] Very good synergy.

[1:28:42] Commit to the bit.

[1:28:43] I roll to charm new listeners.

[1:28:46] It is very effective.

[1:28:48] Against all odds.

[1:28:49] Everybody, we're the Macroids.

[1:28:50] We host the Adventure Zone, a podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons together.

[1:28:53] It's a comedy podcast.

[1:28:55] We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the

[1:28:58] time to learn them.

[1:28:58] Maybe listen to us.

[1:28:59] We come out every other Thursday on the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:29:02] You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org.

[1:29:05] I think this promo is a critical hit.

Ep. #193 - United Passions

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