Ep. #193 - United Passions

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss United Passions.

[0:05] And by the end of this episode, you're going to be shouting,

[0:08] Goal!

[0:13] So when you told us, I've got an idea for the intro, what you meant was you didn't.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:49] Hey there Dan McCoy, I am Stuart Wellington.

[0:52] Hey Robo-Stu, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:55] And I am David Kalin.

[0:57] Satan, get thee behind me!

[1:01] Alright, my job is done.

[1:03] You know, when I was imagining this intro, I was imagining Elliot reacting exactly like that.

[1:11] But that happens when we have family functions too, it is not exclusive to this.

[1:15] Is it my fault you look like Satan and I would rather have you behind me?

[1:18] No, Satan was so handsome.

[1:20] Now here's the thing, why do you want Satan to get behind you?

[1:22] Don't you want him in front of you where you can see where he's going?

[1:24] Yeah, you'd think he'd be like a rogue and have a powerful backstab attack.

[1:28] I think you're just hoping that he follows you in lockstep though, isn't he?

[1:32] To where?

[1:33] Wait, you want him to be your minion?

[1:36] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[1:38] How awesome would that be?

[1:40] Yeah.

[1:42] He'll be my wingman with that lady.

[1:45] Oh, alright.

[1:47] I bet she likes bad boys.

[1:49] This is one of those kind of fave introductions.

[1:51] If she likes bad boys, wouldn't she be suckered in by the devil that she's talking to who's trying to big you up?

[1:58] Or are you saying that you're a badder boy than the devil?

[2:01] If the devil is his wingman, he must be the baddest boy of all.

[2:04] Start producing Bad Boys 3 because I've got your star, this guy.

[2:09] Satan's friend.

[2:11] Starring Satan's friend.

[2:14] So what could possibly have possessed us?

[2:19] Possibly a David Kaelin.

[2:21] The least of the Kaelin men.

[2:23] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[2:25] Why would we have David Kaelin, our sworn enemy, on this podcast?

[2:29] I just thought you were giving the people what they wanted.

[2:32] Which people are you talking about?

[2:34] All people always want me. Always.

[2:36] There has been a surprising amount of free David Kaelin talk.

[2:40] That's right.

[2:41] What's interesting about the talk of free David Kaelin is it implies that we're somehow keeping him away from somewhere.

[2:46] You've had me shackled in the basement for years.

[2:49] Yeah, when we were kids.

[2:51] We had him trapped in a lamp genie style.

[2:54] Oh, so cramped in there?

[2:55] But it was a desk lamp.

[2:58] It was a little roomier than a normal desk lamp.

[3:00] I like to wear my pants genie style.

[3:02] How is that?

[3:03] Really blousey and billowy.

[3:06] It really allows room for things to breathe.

[3:09] Yeah, exactly, like magic.

[3:12] And that's why they call him Magic Pants Wellington.

[3:15] Because he keeps a live rabbit in his pants.

[3:17] That's why they call him Magic Johnson.

[3:19] Because his Johnson has a lot of magic room to breathe.

[3:22] When he would say, let me cast a spell on you with my magic wand.

[3:25] Dan knows about sports too, guys.

[3:27] Is that sports beyond the fact that it's Magic Johnson?

[3:31] But it's not Magic Johnson.

[3:32] Wait, there's a guy named Magic Johnson?

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:35] That's a crazy name.

[3:36] It is crazy.

[3:38] Next thing you're going to tell me he owns a chain of movie theaters.

[3:40] That's why he's famous, yeah.

[3:41] And that's why you talked about him on the show, right?

[3:44] What?

[3:45] This show?

[3:46] So let's explain why we have David Kaelin on the show tonight.

[3:49] Well, guys, it is the heart of December.

[3:52] And as they say, as the colloquialism goes, snow on the ground, play ball.

[4:03] What could that possibly be a euphemism for, though?

[4:05] Think about it for a minute.

[4:07] An elderly person.

[4:10] That was pretty clear.

[4:11] Someone who is under the mistaken belief that the age of consent is 75.

[4:17] And so we're doing a sports episode, right?

[4:19] Hold on.

[4:20] Do the curtains match the drapes?

[4:22] Because the drapes are white and snowy.

[4:28] Mildewy and Moth-eaten.

[4:30] Mildewy?

[4:31] Mildewy.

[4:32] I said Mildewy wrong, okay?

[4:34] Sue me.

[4:35] Go get a fucking lawyer for kids.

[4:37] I love your Mildewy.

[4:38] Yeah, what would Mildewy mean if you were to define it?

[4:40] Shakespeare coined his own word.

[4:42] Stuart Willington.

[4:43] Good point.

[4:44] That's a great point.

[4:45] Both have the same claim on the English language.

[4:49] So, Stuart, what does Mildewy mean?

[4:50] Yeah.

[4:51] Mildewy means that they are falling to pieces.

[4:56] Reese's Pieces.

[4:58] Is that what an old person turns into?

[5:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:01] Okay.

[5:02] We've seen this happen so many times.

[5:04] So, guys, it's sports time.

[5:06] Yeah, man.

[5:07] It's sports time.

[5:08] The heart of sports time.

[5:09] Well, there are a lot of sports in December.

[5:11] Well, there's hockey.

[5:12] There's hockey, basketball, and football.

[5:14] Three of the four major sports are happening right now.

[5:16] And we're going to talk about one of the major...

[5:17] I thought football was on Thanksgiving.

[5:19] Football is not localized entirely on Thanksgiving.

[5:22] That's not the only day.

[5:23] What about...

[5:24] Some people don't watch it on Thanksgiving when their brothers don't let them put it on the TV.

[5:27] That's true.

[5:28] Yeah.

[5:29] It did happen on Thanksgiving.

[5:30] Yeah, you fucker.

[5:31] Anyway...

[5:33] What about that one winter sport where you ride around on skis and then you shoot stuff with a gun?

[5:37] Biathlon?

[5:38] James Bonding?

[5:39] Thank you, Elliot, yes.

[5:41] And then you have a parachute with a Union Jack on it.

[5:44] No matter what country you're from.

[5:46] It's very insulting to the other countries.

[5:48] Well, they don't sell them in other countries.

[5:50] They only sell that one flavor.

[5:53] One flavor of parachute.

[5:57] So I can get any flag put on this parachute?

[6:00] Only the Union Jack.

[6:03] So why are we talking sports?

[6:05] It's December.

[6:06] Sports time, USA.

[6:08] Cage Miss is right around the corner.

[6:10] Cage Miss is coming up.

[6:11] A lot of times people...

[6:13] Shocktober's over.

[6:15] People start putting up their Cage Miss decorations.

[6:17] They forget about Smallvember.

[6:19] And they forget about Sportsnember.

[6:24] And Sandalvember.

[6:26] And Sandalvember.

[6:28] Elliot, is this like a Lucy and Ricky situation with you and David?

[6:33] Yeah, we draw lines literally around corners a lot.

[6:36] Wait a minute, they were married on that show?

[6:38] They were brother and brother.

[6:41] Brother and brother.

[6:43] Wow, you did not think much of Lucille Ball, did you?

[6:46] Anyway.

[6:47] Speaking of balls, soccer balls.

[6:49] Soccer balls, which Lucille Ball was not one of.

[6:52] Now, we watched a sports movie tonight.

[6:54] David, can you tell us a little bit about what sport it was?

[6:56] I thought it was fencing.

[6:57] I would say that we watched a sports movie,

[6:59] except there were almost no sports in the sports movie.

[7:02] But it was about soccer.

[7:06] Tonight we watched United Passions.

[7:08] Starring Joan Severance.

[7:10] And Shannon Tweed.

[7:12] And Shannon Worry.

[7:13] Together for once.

[7:16] The two Shannons.

[7:18] Throw Shannon Daugherty in there.

[7:19] Get some three Shannons in there.

[7:21] In the movie we had to call three Shannons in a fountain.

[7:26] We pushed them in a fountain.

[7:28] So wait, United Passions was the tagline?

[7:31] Oh, no.

[7:32] They were in burlap sacks.

[7:33] Okay.

[7:34] The tagline was, that's a lot of Shannons.

[7:38] Said by like a Mario character.

[7:40] That's a spicy Shannon, he said.

[7:43] And then he went down a pipe into a world filled with turtles.

[7:49] What else are you going to find in pipes?

[7:51] Yeah, I don't know.

[7:52] I don't know.

[7:53] So, David, you know about soccer, right?

[7:55] A little bit, yeah.

[7:56] Okay.

[7:57] So why did we watch this movie again?

[8:00] I think we watched it because we all wanted to torture ourselves

[8:04] for like an hour and 45 minutes or so.

[8:08] This movie got really bad reviews, right?

[8:10] It did, yeah.

[8:11] You might call it even a flop.

[8:13] Oh, I see what you did there.

[8:15] I don't.

[8:16] Is that what the title of this show is about?

[8:18] So this movie is about the history of FIFA,

[8:21] an international soccer organization named after a small French dog.

[8:24] And it happened to be released the same week that FIFA was revealed

[8:31] to be a horribly corrupt organization that takes lots of bribes.

[8:35] I wouldn't say it was like revealed that week.

[8:37] I think people knew it for years.

[8:39] I didn't.

[8:40] And I'm a regular soccer watching guy.

[8:43] You're a real hooligan type figure.

[8:45] I'm a real goal head.

[8:46] It was released, I don't know if it was the week of,

[8:48] but in very short proximity to when FIFA's headquarters got stormed

[8:51] by the Swiss authorities earlier this year.

[8:54] Wait, so Storm was there?

[8:56] Yeah, Storm was there.

[8:57] That was how they provided cover for the agents.

[8:59] She got it very dark.

[9:00] A lot of clouds rolled in.

[9:02] Okay.

[9:03] And FIFA's defense was lacking.

[9:05] They could use a real goalkeeper.

[9:07] That's all the soccer touchdown is.

[9:11] Foul.

[9:12] Red card.

[9:13] Yep.

[9:14] Offside?

[9:15] That is a term they use, yeah.

[9:17] Touchdown.

[9:18] No, that is not a term they use.

[9:19] Overruled.

[9:20] Objection.

[9:21] I'll allow it.

[9:22] You got soccer'd.

[9:23] You got soccer'd is a term they use, yeah.

[9:25] Step up to the soccer field.

[9:27] Dan, how many times did you forget the name of this movie while you were watching it?

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:32] No, I definitely was like, fateful, something magical.

[9:37] Were you just trying to come up with every random term for a late night Skinamax movie

[9:42] you thought you could and assumed it was right?

[9:44] Lovable occasions.

[9:47] Sacrifices.

[9:49] Ball-a-rama.

[9:51] Balls in your court.

[9:53] Togetherness.

[9:55] Sports.

[9:56] So the movie opens meteor-ez.

[9:58] It does not.

[9:59] No.

[10:00] before the the res is a media

[10:02] uh... we start in the year nineteen oh four

[10:04] which for me

[10:06] is the year that tell us about your son lee finally elected under his own power

[10:10] not just becoming president from assassination

[10:12] but as dan mentioned soccer year zero uh... soccer

[10:16] has a problem

[10:18] everyone plays it and yet they're all playing with different rules and i don't

[10:21] have an international governing body

[10:23] to tell them how they're doing it nobody gets money off nobody's being paid for

[10:28] soccer

[10:29] and even though rich people love to watch it as seen by the opening

[10:33] where it will here's how the movie opened we're like all the top ads in the

[10:36] world

[10:36] come through the top ad convention the movie opens with

[10:40] generic footage of

[10:42] children of different races playing soccer together we're gonna come back to

[10:44] that footage throughout the movie

[10:46] because the tie of the movie is that

[10:48] the main theme is everyone plays soccer and it's the one thing holding our

[10:51] fragile earth together everybody poops and everybody plays soccer

[10:55] with their poop

[10:56] it's disgusting and that's one of the problems people were trying to stamp out

[11:00] was people playing soccer with poop

[11:01] but not literally stamp out because you don't want to step on poop it's going to get

[11:04] all caught burning on your front door then you do want to stamp that out otherwise your house

[11:08] will burn down and we'll be crazy you want a viking funeral of poop

[11:13] that's if that's not a metal album

[11:17] viking funeral of poop we're sending this poop off to die

[11:21] time to cross the rainbow bridge to Valhalla

[11:27] uh... the

[11:29] so it opens with it opens with a series of letters being traded back and forth

[11:33] between fisher stevens and some other dude

[11:36] who are playing the the austrian and french

[11:39] soccer kings i guess i don't know

[11:42] and they go to england and they want to ask the english to join their

[11:44] international soccer league

[11:46] the english as represented by two guys in top hats one with a monocle and a

[11:50] are not having any of it the very idea that someone would tell an englishman

[11:54] how to play soccer

[11:56] is laughable

[11:57] it sets up a conflict between england and the rest of the world which never

[12:00] pays off in the film so then we cut to a meeting where all the other european

[12:04] countries are mad

[12:06] that england didn't join so they decide

[12:08] they're just gonna have their own organization and never let england play

[12:11] in the competition they're gonna go their own way it's one of those great scenes you have in

[12:15] movies where like

[12:16] everybody's just hanging out in a room with their uh... sleeves rolled up just

[12:20] drinking and having a good time like handing out jobs and responsibilities

[12:24] with different accents

[12:26] they're all using different accents which are kind of the same accent and then there's this one guy

[12:29] who's like but we're going to need a general secretary and they're like since you came up

[12:32] with that idea

[12:33] you get to be the general secretary and it's like that's not really good

[12:37] there was a point where everybody did do it and i'm not just gonna do that

[12:43] which i assume is how that scene ended

[12:46] they were trying to get across the thing that this was done for love of the game

[12:50] that game

[12:51] foosball

[12:52] the game that we have not really seen much of

[12:56] with guys without arms

[12:59] to have a rod through all of their shoulders

[13:02] back then in 1904 the only way to play soccer according to

[13:05] and this is why FIFA needed to come in

[13:07] was to take men chop their arms off and run a steel rod through their shoulders

[13:12] and spin their corpses or dying bodies around in circles to kick the ball

[13:17] FIFA said no more we will allow people to keep their arms they can't use them

[13:22] in play

[13:23] except unless they're goalies but we will keep their arms they will be independent of each other

[13:27] if that's the one way i can provide for my family you betcha chop off my arms

[13:32] run that rod through my body it was a very hard time that was a good job back then

[13:35] i want my son to look up to me as i am spun up by corpses

[13:39] hurled around

[13:40] and occasionally kicking the ball also FIFA had to deal with the problem that

[13:44] sometimes the ball would just get caught between two players

[13:48] no one could reach it

[13:50] you're trying to spin them and their bodies they would have to jiggle the field

[13:53] everyone had to jump in the stands to cause enough vibrations the problem is partly that the bodies have

[13:58] entered rigor mortis so they're so stiff that they can't even move the feet out of the way to get the ball out of there

[14:03] one of the other big problems was there would always be one guy at the table who was way more

[14:07] into it than everyone else and you're like dude calm down stop shouting

[14:12] we don't care that much

[14:14] yeah sometimes

[14:16] it's just football guys but they established very early on what this movie

[14:20] will be about which is a series of administrative meetings eventually press

[14:24] conferences and one on one interviews in offices

[14:28] with very little soccer being played on the film except eventually when archival

[14:32] footage is used and there's literally a scene where

[14:36] this is jumping ahead but it's during world war two and there's a scene where they're describing a game between

[14:40] Germans and Ukrainians where the Germans are being outplayed by these starving Ukrainians

[14:45] but the ref is clearly on the German side and is cheating for the Germans

[14:50] and this game is described to us in detail we don't see it we see flashes of it

[14:55] but otherwise it's like we might as well be listening to a radio show called

[15:01] famous moments in soccer

[15:03] don't open that closet it's full of soccer balls

[15:08] they also talk about it and how the game unfolded as if it's like

[15:11] it's as if they're like hearing about the holocaust for the first time or something

[15:14] they're all devastated and that's the other theme of the movie which is that all the world events

[15:18] in history are most important in how they deal with soccer and how they affect FIFA

[15:23] so that

[15:25] world war two what does this mean for FIFA the great depression

[15:28] FIFA we've lost all our money eventually it's September 2001 and we're in Set Bladder's office

[15:34] and just to establish the time period there's a magazine on his desk

[15:39] with the world trade centers being destroyed on it and it's like

[15:42] it's not mentioned at all it's just like hey man

[15:46] in the story of FIFA September 11th is just window dressing that's how important FIFA is

[15:51] the amazing thing though is that like

[15:53] they talk about how these great world events affect soccer and then totally gloss over the world events that happen

[15:57] like they go from like 1936 to 1942 where they show a newspaper talking about the battle of Stalingrad to 1950

[16:05] and if I can't kick it like a ball it's not important

[16:08] I mean this movie had a message to the world which is if you're not bending it like Beckham

[16:13] you are not of note

[16:15] now so they they put together FIFA the name comes right at this point you're probably thinking yes

[16:20] this movie is basically Star Wars the Phantom Menace if you took out all the aliens and stuff

[16:26] it's like all meetings

[16:27] if you took out the aliens and replaced the laser swords with meetings

[16:31] then yeah it's Phantom Menace times two

[16:34] same amount of weird racism though

[16:37] now the movie it just it goes like this

[16:40] Gerard Depardieu comes in and shocks the world by declaring

[16:45] by how fat he's become

[16:47] he needs to be a sex symbol Dan

[16:49] come on

[16:50] he just he can't stand that Uruguay is celebrating its Olympic medal when they had Mexicans on the team he says

[16:57] yeah there's a weird current in the movie of between showing FIFA as an anti-racist inclusive organization that's forward-thinking

[17:05] and showing the people involved in FIFA having a very Eurocentric view of the world

[17:10] until a heroic guy named Sepp Blatter steps on the plate

[17:14] don't jump too far ahead

[17:15] yeah Joe Avalanche who is Brazilian

[17:18] Joe Avalanche

[17:19] because the movie is all about how

[17:21] FIFA is an all-inclusive organization which is why the Brazilian

[17:25] means you don't have to pay for drinks separately

[17:28] meals

[17:29] all your food is included

[17:31] weirdly you have to pay for soccer

[17:33] but there's a midnight buffet though

[17:35] Joe Avalanche who's Brazilian is played by Sam Neill who is he Brazilian?

[17:40] maybe

[17:42] he might have a Brazilian

[17:44] sounds pretty Brazilian

[17:47] now normally I'd go through the plot in more detail but

[17:50] it's just the history of FIFA

[17:53] it's just a bunch of meetings

[17:55] it's a lot of meetings

[17:56] there's a scene but we can talk about a couple great scenes for instance it's 1950

[18:00] the World Cup is in Brazil Brazil is playing Uruguay

[18:03] Brazil loses

[18:04] the movie presents this as the worst tragedy in human history

[18:08] it's just like everyone is horrified and Gerard Depardieu the head of FIFA effectively kills him

[18:15] slow motion walking towards

[18:17] about nine minutes of him walking towards the field to hand the trophy in

[18:21] now there's a great scene where he talks to an eccentric artist about designing the FIFA trophy

[18:27] there's a scene where Tim Roth is confronted with a trunk full of Adidas merchandise

[18:34] now this movie becomes less interesting the fewer mustaches are in it

[18:39] the first half of it is like a collection of historical mustaches

[18:43] the less Fisher Stevens there is in the movie the more I got bored

[18:47] that's very true

[18:48] his head kind of looks like a soccer ball no offense

[18:51] no offense

[18:53] how could he possibly take offense to that?

[18:55] at the implication that he has a Charlie Brown shaped head

[18:58] it looks like somebody cartoonishly tied his tie way too tight

[19:04] just because he's a walking New York Review of Books caricature of himself

[19:10] just because if you put a mustache on a soccer ball it would look like Fisher Stevens

[19:14] just because he was passed over for the role of Wilson in Castaway but not by a lot

[19:19] when they were trying to cast the live action South Park movie they were considering him for the guidance counselor

[19:25] Mr. Mackey

[19:27] the guy with the giant head

[19:29] and this is coming from Fisher Stevens fans

[19:32] he's great we love him

[19:34] you're part of the FS fan club

[19:36] FSFC

[19:37] FeastFuck

[19:38] the Fisher Stevens fan club FeastFuck

[19:41] is all about

[19:42] look

[19:43] FeastFuck?

[19:44] here's the thing

[19:45] sounds a little like FeastFucking

[19:47] sounds like that

[19:48] a little bit

[19:49] we're FeastFucking

[19:50] now here was the problem

[19:51] internationally there was no standardized guidelines for Fisher Stevens appreciation

[19:56] and so FeastFuck had to be created

[19:58] in order to create

[20:00] standardized rules and implement a real international competition for fisher

[20:04] stevens fandom and now you just love

[20:06] feast fucking feast fucking all the time and yeah you get it when you when you

[20:10] apply when you become a member state they give you

[20:12] a what a free brooch to wear

[20:17] and a scrunchie

[20:21] wait you don't wear those at the same time right of course not one is for

[20:24] formal and one is for informal occasions yeah unless of course fs himself fisher

[20:28] stevens is in the room in which case you wear all of that

[20:31] plus your fuss fuck t-shirt plus your official fest fuck gloves

[20:36] before there was official organization there are arguments about whether you

[20:39] could love both short circuit 2 and hackers

[20:42] now we know that it's all acceptable people would be like i think fisher

[20:46] stevens is a is a director producer well i think he's an actor there was

[20:49] arguments of that type yeah luckily fist fuck stepped in

[20:54] now uh this movie is the history of fifa

[20:58] it's a parade of mustaches until it stops being

[21:02] i mean because are we really going to go through there's a couple of scenes

[21:06] there's a couple scenes of strange sexual tension between gerard depardieu

[21:10] and his daughter i guess yeah and who ages

[21:13] 30 years in about a five-year period for georgia purdue they're like yeah the

[21:17] character's a little older we'll put some white in his mustache

[21:19] her they just they pack on the latex they just assume that gerard depardieu's

[21:23] character just really takes care of himself

[21:28] that's a lot of clean living ice cream every night while his daughter is

[21:33] asleep there's a scene where georgia has a

[21:36] dish with ice cream in it while he's having a very important meeting with a

[21:38] uruguayan soccer official and you can tell that

[21:41] as an actor he's just waiting for them to say cut so he can eat that ice cream

[21:44] yummy yummy now i think he goes into his daughter's room when she sleeps at night

[21:49] and kisses her forehead and sucks the youth out of her

[21:52] so it's a kind of a daughter of dorian gray type situation or like a

[21:56] what is it like elizabeth bathory was that the yeah

[21:59] type thing he's bathing in her blood yeah exactly

[22:02] whatever gets the youth i just call it liz oh your buds

[22:05] yeah best buds

[22:09] liz baths yeah uh but like the amazing like get out of that blood shower we

[22:13] gotta go to the movies liz baths was that who fred sanford or in the

[22:18] sanford and son was saying he was got what he was

[22:20] faking a heart attack was when liz baths this is the big one i'm coming

[22:23] liz baths that's right i met elizabeth bathory

[22:27] now here's the thing this was a very boring movie

[22:31] yeah okay uh it's a lot like you're saying a lot of scenes of meetings press

[22:35] conferences i would say that i'm sorry no dan tell me about its finer

[22:40] points dan think of one good thing about this

[22:42] movie other than fisher stevens and tim roth got money from the

[22:45] pod race you think of episode one again

[22:51] again episode star wars episode one which had more sports in it than the

[22:54] fifa movie that is true it had an entire pod it had

[22:58] like 10 minutes of sports non-stop two pod racing

[23:01] pod races if you count the fight at the end where jake lloyd says now this is

[23:04] what i call pod racing yes i don't think technically within the rules

[23:09] of facebook that counts there's no pod racing association to

[23:15] implement the rules so boba could just do whatever he wants

[23:18] have flamethrowers and that's why yeah yeah it is

[23:21] that's why is uh i mean i don't think the

[23:24] flamethrowers are in the pod i thought they were not engines they're in no

[23:27] those are part of the pod aren't these are things that the how do you

[23:32] define what is the pod and what is the engine

[23:34] that pod fuck the pod racing organization directorate fan club

[23:40] it wasn't it wasn't there to organize this you know

[23:43] anyway dan give me one good thing about the movie uh they iris

[23:47] in as a transition once that was kind of old-timey that's true

[23:50] there's an old-timey scene transition element um

[23:54] i would say that people who specialize in old-timey costumes

[23:57] got a lot of work for this movie and that's good for them they used wild

[24:00] wildlife the talking yeah yeah another old-timey thing

[24:04] yeah now as a soccer fan sure i know when the world cups come around

[24:10] you're all like yeah cupping it up let's do this that's exactly what i say

[24:15] corner kick giants forever yeah no giants giants play football

[24:18] yeah exactly that's what they were american football that's true

[24:21] now so as a soccer fan yeah i feel like this is an accurate portrayal of the

[24:26] history of soccer because while we're watching it you're like

[24:28] oh that's when blah blah blah happened oh that's when this yeah i was impressed

[24:31] honestly and also i don't know how anyone could

[24:34] watch this movie without the david annotations and understand a thing that

[24:38] was i was going to say that i learned less from this movie than i have learned

[24:43] from just like glancing at wikipedia articles

[24:45] for like a couple minutes at a time because they tell you like i i

[24:48] recognized all the major pivotal or most of the major pivotal points that

[24:51] they were like events that they were showing but like

[24:53] there's nothing in this movie that indicates what they are

[24:55] at all yeah they'll just show a thing happening there's a couple times when

[24:58] while we were watching i was like maybe i should tell david to save it for the

[25:01] podcast i'm like nah it's boring

[25:05] uh wait what about barbosa giving up the goal in the shock lost by brazil to

[25:09] uruguay in 1950 is boring that was a huge upset that's why i

[25:14] went to become a pirate captain dan americana was very depressed uh wait

[25:18] what was your question coffee americana no no

[25:20] the americana that's the stadium in brazil that they played the 1950 world

[25:24] cup final and 2014 the biggest tragedy yeah exactly still lost yeah and there's

[25:29] where joules ramay who is not brazilian just feels

[25:32] the pain so devoutly well he's brazilian at heart and by what i what i

[25:36] mean by that is he enjoys women's butts and he

[25:39] hates uruguay i'm brazilian at heart you're very much like arnold

[25:43] schwarzenegger in that movie he made where he just goes to

[25:45] rio for carnaval uh he enjoyed what have you guys never seen this in pumping iron

[25:50] or something no it is not in pumping the destroyer yeah it's called it's called

[25:55] conan the partier there's a thing he did where he's in rio for carnaval and

[26:00] there's some line about carnaval is a celebration of my

[26:03] favorite body part the ass it's something that we used to say

[26:07] at work a lot well what was your question though i

[26:10] totally forgot uh so oh no this sequence where brazil

[26:13] loses yeah it's 1950 okay and there's something very funny about

[26:17] it we couldn't quite put our finger on why it was funny

[26:19] where it just keeps it shows no on-field play or next to none

[26:23] it's showing a lot of people in the stands being excited you have the

[26:26] announcer announcing it in portuguese and you have these and you just

[26:30] have the same shots of people in the same three locations being like oh

[26:36] there's like a barbershop and like bar a bar

[26:40] and four old men just at a table on the street just the middle of the street but

[26:43] like really well dressed for some reason uh because they're old

[26:45] brazilian men they have a sense of style fine

[26:48] um that's why it's called a brazilian or getting a brazilian when you're

[26:52] tailored for a nice suit of clothes but i but like we talked about how

[26:56] little soccer there actually is in this movie

[26:58] and i'd like until you see it i cannot stress enough how little soccer there is

[27:02] in a movie that is about soccer yeah it's amazing there's more soccer which

[27:07] is weird since they clearly have the right yes all these like

[27:10] highlight reels of soccer games they did show them they show they show

[27:14] some of the highlight reels later on but it's like

[27:17] that like that those are just showed those games and it would have been more

[27:20] exciting yes we watched that's true this is like a

[27:23] sports movie for like i don't know like fantasy football people who are like

[27:27] you know what's really interesting is like the behind the scenes like choices

[27:32] if you're like i've watched moneyball 3 000 times i guess i'll watch something

[27:36] else but you can also like you can make money

[27:37] almost anything dramatic i like i want to make it clear that moneyball

[27:41] moneyball is fantastic yeah story of what's his name bucky

[27:44] billy be bucky bledsoe barns barns yeah those might be the names of real people

[27:48] that exist they are not involved with the oakland days

[27:51] uh it's about billy bean the general manager the mascot for the american bean

[27:55] farmer no that is not him i'm billy bean eat some beans today

[28:00] that is the wrong person make you fart i don't think so

[28:03] sorry billy beans for beans yeah of course a bean would say that

[28:08] he would say eat me yummy yummy billy beans

[28:11] says beans don't make you fart but let's look at the facts

[28:15] billy beans wrong on beans wrong for america

[28:19] brought to you by the council of enemies of beans i don't know what that would be

[28:22] no brussels sprouts some other thing

[28:25] some other vegetable source that causes you to fart a lot

[28:29] yeah yeah any leafy greens uh don't don't slander billy bean that's a

[28:33] it's a met's draft pick he's a great guy okay like personally i don't know i don't

[28:38] know if he's a good guy person i've never met him

[28:40] now uh so the movie is but there are a couple scenes like

[28:43] there are a couple scenes where fifa is running out of money and needs

[28:47] something to happen and set bladder can always find it but like

[28:50] ethically set platter always makes it happen but they don't show you how it

[28:53] makes it happen there's a scene where they're like

[28:55] we're running out of money we need sponsors but we don't have companies to

[28:58] sponsor us and the guy goes hey that's someone from coca-cola at that table

[29:01] over there because they're at a bar and set bladder goes

[29:03] hold on a second and we see him walk over the table cut to next scene it's

[29:06] like three years later swimming swimming pool and he gets a phone call

[29:11] from set bladder it's like coca-cola's gonna give us some money

[29:14] great you got it he hangs up and it's like what did he how did he

[29:17] what did he do hey he's a he's a he's got a silver tongue man he's a magic man

[29:21] he knows how to sell it to him as a bribe probably

[29:24] well the best part of that is when uh sam neill is swimming and he's like

[29:28] maid assistant daughter they didn't say who it was comes out and it's just like

[29:31] whatever she just comes out and is like mr bladder on the phone

[29:35] it just sounds like an old man saying to a kid like i gotta go pee mr bladder's

[29:40] on the phone and he walks into the bathroom excuse me

[29:43] kid you gotta take a collect call from mr bladder

[29:46] they're always collect calls i'd love to hear this story but

[29:49] mr bladder's on the phone i gotta go mr bladder lives in florida

[29:53] call me guy who has to pee man mr bladder called four times last night

[30:00] there's a lot of people be a lot of his neighbor mister prostate

[30:08] now uh...

[30:09] there's

[30:11] reminded me of a part that i uh... there's there's there's a

[30:14] there's a there's a couple parts to that

[30:16] reinforce the commonly held belief that

[30:19] god and in this case it's jesus

[30:21] uh... is

[30:22] cares about soccer more than anything else

[30:24] uh... there's a part of this is a part of our department to

[30:27] he needs help for something and he just doesn't bring a second grace to god

[30:31] brother cross and i guess what do you know i don't remember what you know or

[30:35] i don't know if it works

[30:36] it is

[30:37] people still here at work to have god loves and there's a part of the never

[30:40] died right he still alive

[30:42] uh... gerard ever do that and i think it is a little bit of a came back and you

[30:47] know that what that that that uh... you know it was a man does that this is

[30:51] funeral in the coffin that is definitely not big enough to fit his name

[30:54] i'm assuming he's not dead yet

[30:56] because he turns into like a fucking gelatinous ooze or something

[31:00] or else it's senator kelly and x-men i should say that the uh... he they they

[31:05] buried up but uh... to fool people they buried a box a coffin full of rocks

[31:09] which ironically weighed less than he does

[31:11] i was going to say the coffin the coffin definitely could have fit joules remay

[31:14] who is pretty

[31:15] we talked about this earlier was actually pretty skinny in real life he

[31:18] definitely could not have fit

[31:19] gerard depardieu acting he is the real coffin

[31:22] there's also a scene where tim roth as seth bladder is just looking at a coffin for a couple seconds and i don't know who that character was

[31:28] they never introduced that in person

[31:30] are you sure? they might have without saying that person's name he was trying to show the

[31:33] passage of time

[31:35] it was during the wild wild life montage well i guess that guy's dead

[31:39] every time you start saying that i think you're going to say wild wild west so i get really excited

[31:43] wicka wot wicka wicka wot wicka wot

[31:46] i just think nothing makes me think of like a solemn funereal procession like

[31:50] wild wild life well that's what we're going to play at dan's funeral

[31:53] yeah i would appreciate that sure yeah but then we're going to play kokomo

[31:57] oh no

[31:59] that's where you have to spend eternity with that middle-aged guy and the younger

[32:03] woman he's trying to convince to come with him to kokomo

[32:06] gross like in aruba

[32:09] jamaica

[32:09] no wait

[32:10] who do i want to take you? where?

[32:13] to bermuda? i don't know

[32:15] bahamas

[32:17] well hey come on pretty mamas

[32:19] uh... kilargo montego? is that a place?

[32:22] hey baby why don't we go?

[32:24] down to i hate that song

[32:26] i don't know why for some reason there was like a year when i was growing up as a

[32:30] kid where that song was impossible to avoid yeah because you had fucking full house on all the time

[32:36] that was part of the problem

[32:38] like i could hang out with my pals in touch and you didn't even give a fuck

[32:41] at least i can find solace in full house you'll never betray me

[32:45] oh jesse don't go to that beef boys concert

[32:47] now the whole family's getting up

[32:49] he doesn't even need to go to the concert they just show up to the house all the time

[32:52] it sounded like you said

[32:53] don't go to that beef boys concert

[32:56] oh certainly don't go there

[32:58] those guys are fucking crazy

[33:03] what is that like a meat based beef boys cover band? i thought that was like an off-brand fat boys

[33:10] it's like a

[33:11] it's like a meatloaf

[33:14] yeah it's like a meatloaf but he's a killer he's a serial killer

[33:19] that's meatloaf covering serial killer

[33:23] beef boys

[33:27] you know what i was thinking of the song psycho killer

[33:30] are beef boys right for you?

[33:32] yeah what about the song psycho killer?

[33:34] i would love to hear meatloaf cover it

[33:36] i can tell you how to go

[33:38] i can't sleep cause my bed's on fire

[33:43] that's how every meatloaf song goes

[33:45] i'm gonna sing slow for a little bit but then i'm gonna sing fast and i'm gonna go like this

[33:53] that's meatloaf

[33:54] okay

[33:56] please mr.loaf lives in florida call me meat

[33:59] so soccer guys

[34:01] and i had a thing i was going to talk about

[34:05] there's a part so they're describing that match between the germans and the ukrainians and someone says

[34:09] how hard they play and the guy goes

[34:11] they say it was like god himself laced up that day and i wish

[34:16] that they had shown god jumping into the game and just lacing up his boots and

[34:20] just kicking that ball and then he kicks the ball so hard it knocks hitler's head off

[34:27] yes if you want something done right you have to do it yourself

[34:33] they spend a bunch of time talking about apartheid and south africa

[34:36] that's like a consistent thing they bring up is to show how fifa is so forward thinking and righteous

[34:41] is they make a big point about how avalanche wouldn't allow

[34:45] avalanche whatever avalanche wouldn't allow south africa to be a member of

[34:50] fifa

[34:51] even as fifa expands they make a big point about how fifa expands

[34:54] into africa and asia under avalanche and set bladders

[34:58] guidance without pointing out that they basically just use that as a tool to keep themselves reelected

[35:02] you were saying that they would arrange for bribes

[35:05] they would put money into those countries to help develop the game but

[35:08] they would make sure that a lot of that money went into the pockets of the

[35:10] presidents of the federations

[35:15] by making all countries equal giving them all an equal vote

[35:18] they're putting them on the same foot as like a germany

[35:23] we don't talk about hands

[35:26] they're not stupid enough to think that's not going to benefit them

[35:30] i feel like there could be a better movie and i don't know

[35:33] yes you know what let me just stop right there

[35:36] your hypothesis is correct we don't even need to test it

[35:39] i would say there are many better movies it is conceivably possible to have a better movie than this one

[35:45] a better movie? destiny jones on the radio better movie

[35:48] mr destiny better movie

[35:51] a better movie on this? i'll name you a better movie about soccer than this movie

[35:54] ladybugs

[35:55] ladybugs is a better movie than this movie and that's a bad movie

[35:58] a better movie could be made on this topic i don't know why

[36:03] someone would make a better movie on this topic

[36:05] because it's kind of odd that this movie was made in the first place

[36:09] but it was made on this topic that acknowledges

[36:12] that like

[36:14] there was a deal with the devil made that actually like

[36:16] had some good come of it like the idea of like

[36:19] that this is not all bad not all good the fact that they like

[36:22] did let in these other countries but also but for reasons that benefit

[36:25] themselves like in like that's a movie that would be an interesting way to do it

[36:29] unfortunately that would not be the fifa is the greatest thing ever and the movie

[36:32] is was financed

[36:34] by fifa so what? yeah i know

[36:37] crazy it was like twenty nine million dollars or something which i can

[36:41] tell you were not spent on the soccer scenes apparently

[36:44] but uh... it's all on the screen

[36:46] it's all up there when you look at it in the series of offices they read it

[36:50] it's an incredibly well polished movie in every part that doesn't involve what you care about

[36:55] yeah that's a good point that's a great shot on a boat where sam neill looks like gary oldman

[37:00] as uh... that smiley guy from tinker taylor soldier spot

[37:04] yeah that's his name

[37:05] i was going to say smiley from the lolz movie

[37:09] they point out they point out multiple times that

[37:12] fifa wouldn't allow south africa to be a member nation as long as apartheid was

[37:15] the system in place there

[37:16] and that's like their one thing to point out that fifa is like super righteous

[37:20] and they you know

[37:22] they're just trying to show the whole time that fifa is this

[37:25] benevolent organization that's pulling the world together

[37:28] when it's

[37:29] not at all? totally not, sleeping on beds of blood diamonds

[37:36] that doesn't even sound comfortable with a blanket made out of blood diamonds

[37:40] high heels aren't comfortable but you'll wear them because they make your butt look great

[37:42] same thing with beds of blood diamonds

[37:45] well your butt is all scraped up yeah i was sleeping on a bed of blood diamonds

[37:49] but his butt's so scrapy

[37:51] it's like seal's face is his butt

[37:56] that's mean

[37:57] sorry

[37:58] i apologize seal

[37:58] anyway i forget if it was you or dan who was saying this

[38:02] seems like the movie that

[38:03] they show to new fifa employees when they start out

[38:07] that like every couple of minutes

[38:09] one of the actors should have stopped and looked at the camera and given you a tip about

[38:11] dealing with the customers or you know what what proper office etiquette

[38:15] there should have been some bullet points on the screen

[38:18] i also don't know how every no meeting can look like

[38:21] appropriate and normal like there's the meeting

[38:23] where sepp blatter meets with

[38:24] i mean they're not all taking place in like a mad max world

[38:26] well yeah but like

[38:27] there's bikers driving around shooting missiles and arrows at each other

[38:30] but like there's this meeting where sepp blatter meets with the guy from adidas

[38:33] to be like yeah

[38:35] sorry adidas

[38:37] to meet with adidas

[38:39] to say like you know adidas wants to have our soccer ball and our uniforms

[38:44] and everything in the next world cup and like that's not crazy

[38:46] like having a company pay to have that kind of exposure

[38:48] it's not as crazy as having like nintendo do that would be

[38:50] they don't make uniforms

[38:52] but like it's a totally

[38:54] mcdonalds is like we want you to wear mcnuggets

[38:56] in the next world cup

[38:58] just on our skin

[39:00] sewn together into shirts

[39:02] i was going to ask if you meant like a mcnugget costume

[39:04] or if they actually just took mcnuggets

[39:06] yup the mcnugget characters

[39:08] who are screaming in pain from being stitched together

[39:11] like some kind of weird golem

[39:13] like in that clive barker short story

[39:15] you know like that uh

[39:17] when freddy lifts up his shirt or whatever

[39:19] and there's a lot of screaming souls in there

[39:21] and he's shredded

[39:23] he's ripped

[39:25] he's shredded because he scratched himself with his razor glove

[39:27] and he cut himself

[39:29] but my point is

[39:31] he's got abs

[39:33] for miles

[39:35] for days

[39:37] yes david

[39:39] i was just going to say these meetings are all presented in this covert secret way

[39:41] but like

[39:43] maybe

[39:45] they're normal meetings but also like

[39:47] if you're trying to present a movie about how on the level and great

[39:49] fifa is why would you set up all these meetings

[39:51] to be at like a roadside gas station

[39:53] where it looks really creepy and sketchy

[39:55] i feel like a lot of those early meetings

[39:57] they try and make it

[39:59] fifa

[40:00] seem like an underdog, like you should be rooting for him, which is stupid and crazy.

[40:06] Well, at the time, no, no, I can't justify that.

[40:11] I mean, that's the main issue is the movie does not make you care ever if FIFA survives. So

[40:16] Fisher Stevens is distraught in 1930 because he invested all of FIFA's money in the stock

[40:20] market and it's crashed. And he's like, we've lost everything.

[40:23] People can never play soccer again, right, dudes?

[40:26] I had to give the rules to soccer to the bank to pay off the load.

[40:32] Now, no one will ever know. And it just shows an evil bank man putting the rules in a vault

[40:36] and spinning the dial so it's locked forever and then filling it with concrete

[40:40] so it can never be opened. Now, soccer will never be played.

[40:48] But at that moment, it's like, there's going to be no FIFA. And my reaction to that was,

[40:53] all right, I mean, whatever, your club's not open anymore. Okay.

[40:56] We didn't share the same reaction to that.

[40:59] Like, I just didn't care. It couldn't even make me care when they were literally on the

[41:02] verge of bankruptcy. Yeah, but that's because the movie's terrible.

[41:05] The only reason I cared was because I worried that Fisher Stevens might hurt himself because

[41:09] he was so young. He did look like he was about to jump off

[41:11] the bridge they were talking about. Pretty frail.

[41:17] If his character dies in the movie, he still gets paid, right? Like the actor?

[41:21] Or the character. He's also got a weird claw, that's right.

[41:24] If a character dies in a movie, they pretend they can't see or hear the actor anymore?

[41:29] All of those Law and Order corpses never got paid.

[41:32] Yeah, they're dead. Yeah, they got tricked into signing up.

[41:35] Steven Seagal walks up to the accounts payable window for executive decision,

[41:39] and he's like, my money, please. Is that Steven Seagal's character for executive decision?

[41:45] I wish he was here. We have money to give him, but he died in the beginning of the movie.

[41:48] Spoiler alert. Oh, yeah.

[41:50] Sorry. Come on.

[41:51] I didn't mean to spoil a movie no one has watched in 15 years.

[41:55] That is one of my favorite movies to watch on cable TV when it is on.

[42:00] On First Dates. Yeah, on First Dates.

[42:02] Like, I want to show this movie that the poster made me assume that Kurt Russell

[42:06] was holding a katana, but that's actually the wing of a stealth bomber.

[42:12] Evil David Suchet in it. I mean, what else do you want?

[42:15] I'm okay. I apologize. It's the best movie ever.

[42:18] Thank you, Elliot. This movie is better than United Passions.

[42:21] On a scale from United Passions to zero, I give it off the charts.

[42:26] One of my favorite things about Executive Decision, though,

[42:28] since we're on the topic, is that it was considered this big time project and paramount.

[42:33] What do you mean big time? Charitable.

[42:36] Like the big dig? I don't know.

[42:37] No, no, like when it was first being made or when it was in development.

[42:43] This is a big time project. Let's fast track it.

[42:48] Sir, this Executive Decision movie, is that one of our little time projects?

[42:51] Oh, no. Oh, no.

[42:54] Callahan, that is a big time project.

[42:56] Should we build the Colossus of Rhodes or make Executive Decision?

[43:01] We can't do both. We can't build both your pyramid tomb.

[43:05] Burn down the Library of Alexandria.

[43:07] And do Executive Decision. I guess my soul is just disappearing to the winds then.

[43:12] You guys are impossible to sit around and talk about stuff with.

[43:16] Don't bother building a vessel for my cause so that I may travel to the next world.

[43:21] Make Executive Decision.

[43:23] I think sitting with all of you is what you've made everyone think sitting with me is like.

[43:27] The President has two folders on his desk and one says,

[43:30] Flight to Mars, and the other says Executive Decision starring Kurt Russell.

[43:35] And he's like, boys, I don't know what to tell you.

[43:37] I've got to go with this Kurt Russell movie.

[43:40] Well, sorry, Mars, maybe some other time.

[43:42] The thing I was going to say about Executive Decision is no longer funny, so forget it.

[43:48] No, no, it's not going to be a big time project.

[43:50] And Paramount had the rights and they sold it, or no, like they sold it to 20th Century Fox

[43:56] and 20th Century Fox in exchange.

[43:57] It's the boringest story I've ever heard.

[44:00] And we just watched it at night in mansions.

[44:03] Give it a chance.

[44:04] Give it a chance.

[44:07] The movie, the movie, it's going to be like one of those Paul Harvey stories.

[44:12] Well, afterwards, we'll know the rest of the story.

[44:14] The movie that Paramount got in exchange for getting rid of this was Forrest Gump.

[44:18] And now you know the rest of the story.

[44:21] Yeah, exactly.

[44:23] And if they hadn't made that, we never could have had Kevin Nealon in Forrest Gump 2.

[44:27] Gump again in the movie Cecil B. Demented.

[44:30] Yes, I think Dan wanted to wrap this up.

[44:34] I just want to say at the end of the movie...

[44:35] Yeah, I was pretty sure because we wouldn't have missed all that great executive decisions.

[44:40] We would have missed that real corker of a tale.

[44:45] All right, fuck all of you.

[44:47] Can you write that down so I can share it with my children?

[44:52] Oh, no, call up your publisher now.

[44:55] Tell them you know what your next book is and then call up somebody.

[44:59] Oh, God.

[45:00] And tell them they need to hear this tale.

[45:02] I think this whole episode was just set up as vengeance

[45:05] to try and make me pay for irritating you all for so long.

[45:10] Oh, so...

[45:11] We appreciate your soccer and your executive decision expertise.

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:14] FIFA, the movie starring...

[45:17] Soccer.

[45:18] Okay, we really need to get to...

[45:20] United Passion.

[45:23] Fire it up.

[45:25] Smash cut.

[45:26] Kids playing soccer.

[45:28] Then FIFA shows up and Tim Roth says, game on, boys.

[45:32] The best thing about...

[45:32] Waves into the camera.

[45:35] I just have to say, at the end of the movie is Sepp Blatter dealing with thoughts of corruption

[45:40] and all the European football heads being like,

[45:43] you're going to lose this election in 2002 in Seoul.

[45:45] And he's like, I will be okay.

[45:47] And then he wins the election rebuking all the corruption that he has faced when like...

[45:53] Through no effort on his own.

[45:55] Exactly.

[45:55] And considering that in real life, it is very clear.

[45:58] He's suspended from being president right now.

[46:00] We all know he's incredibly corrupt.

[46:02] It just rang incredibly hollow.

[46:04] And I found that enjoyable.

[46:05] Even if it didn't ring hollow, it's just he does nothing to defend himself.

[46:10] So there's no reason why we should be like, oh, great.

[46:12] He isn't corrupt, I guess.

[46:14] Well, but the music gets really loud, though.

[46:15] He doesn't even earn it.

[46:16] There's this triumphant music.

[46:17] Yeah.

[46:18] The triumph of the Sepp.

[46:19] There's like four different scenes in this movie with triumphant music out of nowhere.

[46:23] And they're all at announcements.

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:25] Not even at soccer matches.

[46:26] They're at announcements of where things are going to be held.

[46:29] Again, I...

[46:29] Or who's winning an election.

[46:30] I cannot say this enough that there is almost no soccer in this movie about soccer.

[46:35] Do you like soccer?

[46:36] Don't watch this movie.

[46:37] Yeah.

[46:38] Do you like soccer movies?

[46:40] Kayla goes, what's your favorite soccer movie?

[46:42] United Passions?

[46:43] Really?

[46:46] I just think that maybe their hope was that because a lot of people that don't like soccer,

[46:49] the knock on it, they say is that it's boring.

[46:51] Yes.

[46:51] So I hope I think that FIFA's hope was that by watching this movie, those people who thought

[46:56] soccer was boring would be like, oh, can't we at least just watch soccer now?

[47:00] Because that would be more interesting than watching this movie.

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:04] Final judgments.

[47:06] Was this a good, great movie?

[47:07] Best movie ever?

[47:08] Or burn all the other movies.

[47:10] Four, three soccer balls.

[47:11] Hooray.

[47:13] Was this movie a goal in one?

[47:22] Good, bad movie.

[47:23] A bad, bad movie.

[47:25] Or a movie you kind of liked.

[47:26] I'm going to start.

[47:26] I'm going to say that for an hour, I thought this was a good, bad movie because-

[47:33] But it was all mustaches and-

[47:34] It was all mustaches and just like, yeah, like old timey like-

[47:38] It's enjoyably silly at that point.

[47:40] The best, like the most important thing we could do for society is to create a governing body

[47:46] so that all the nations can play this footed ball with one another and then-

[47:51] And we can get paid, dudes.

[47:54] But then after that, it just got boring.

[47:57] So I don't know.

[47:59] Yeah.

[48:00] Why don't you check out an hour of it if you can see it for free

[48:03] and then turn it off and do something else?

[48:05] That's my recommendation.

[48:06] I'm going to say don't watch this movie.

[48:08] It's super bad.

[48:08] Yeah.

[48:09] I'm going to go with Stuart on this one, too.

[48:11] If you want to leave something on the TV while you go to the bathroom for an hour and a half-

[48:17] Two hours.

[48:18] Yeah, I guess two hours.

[48:19] I don't know, dude.

[48:20] Bathroom for two hours?

[48:21] What are you doing in there?

[48:23] You've got a bigger problem than what movie should I watch.

[48:26] Goddamn it, I'm afraid of the length of the movie.

[48:29] Unless you just don't want to see the movie, so you're just staying in the bathroom until it's over.

[48:33] I'm still in the door, just a little bit to be out.

[48:35] You see Tim Roth on the screen, you go, ah!

[48:37] And then shut the door again.

[48:39] There is a monster at the end of this book, and its name is Grover.

[48:44] Spoiler alert.

[48:49] I would not even recommend leaving the movie on while you're out

[48:52] in case someone has bugged your apartment and you don't want to force them to have to sit through it.

[48:56] I would say that I enjoyed watching it with you guys, and there was a bit of-

[49:02] Oh, thanks, bro.

[49:03] Sure thing.

[49:04] And there's a bit of schadenfreude that I enjoyed knowing that this movie cost like

[49:08] 30 million dollars, and I think it grossed like 300 in the United States.

[49:12] I think, I mean, not counting movies that made zero money that were released,

[49:16] it seems to be on record, whoever's keeping these records,

[49:19] as the least money-making movie in the United States history.

[49:23] And that was probably just paid for by people to go into the movie theater and go B.M. or-

[49:30] I think there's-

[49:32] Hey, I got my ticket to use your bathroom.

[49:34] Fine, I'll take one ticket to whatever.

[49:36] I gotta spend two hours in the bathroom.

[49:38] I might as well be in a movie theater.

[49:40] Well, there was a, I think there was a theater-

[49:42] I mean, it's so hot out.

[49:44] You know, the movie theater's air-conditioned, and I can just murder myself in the theater

[49:47] and someone else will clean it up.

[49:50] There was a theater, I think on the Wikipedia page,

[49:52] it says there was a theater in Phoenix that literally sold one ticket to one of its showings.

[49:55] And that was it.

[49:56] That was probably a bathroom.

[49:57] Anyway, I-

[49:58] The screening of Spectre, I was in the other-

[50:00] they had two tickets sold so really yeah well i it was also like a one oh five

[50:04] p.m. screen yeah a month after it came out for a while anyway I had fun

[50:09] watching it with you guys because we were all similarly frustrated by it but

[50:13] yeah but it's dog shit it's a bad bad movie I would not watch it again yeah I

[50:17] would not I definitely would not recommend watching it without the

[50:20] annotations you said washing it at all yes you said you need the David Cain

[50:26] annotations or else you're not gonna be able to follow a lot of it too yeah I

[50:29] knew everything that was happening in it and I had trouble following it so that

[50:34] shows you how terrible the soccer whoo-hoo

[50:41] hey you like t-shirts right how about a mug are your walls looking a little

[50:47] bear visit max fun store.com and cover all of these bases and more we just

[50:54] added some amazing new shirts and posters so visit today and outfit your

[50:58] home and torso with the freshest max fun merch max fun store.com hey it's Dan

[51:06] here thanks to all you crazy people we sold out our bell house live show in

[51:12] Brooklyn on Friday January the 15th within five days and so due to popular

[51:19] demand we have added a second show on Saturday January 16th the very next day

[51:26] doors open at 6 p.m. show at 6 30 p.m. tickets $12 at the bell house in

[51:34] beautiful Gowanus Brooklyn you may ask us will we be watching the same movie or

[51:40] will there be a different movie there will be a different movie although all

[51:46] of our comedy routines except for Stewart's who was an overachiever will

[51:49] be the same before the show so two different shows which means I assume

[51:56] that there will be some out there who will like to come to both shows that's

[51:59] fine we encourage it please if you're crazy enough to want to come to both

[52:03] shows do so however if you have a ticket for the first show maybe hold off for a

[52:08] day or two and give someone who is not so lucky the first time around a chance

[52:13] to get a ticket we would like to provide the opportunity for the widest

[52:17] variety of people to see the shows so links to buy tickets for the show will

[52:24] be up on our website flop house podcast.com or on the bell house website

[52:31] that's www dot the bell house New York that's just in why sorry the bell house

[52:38] in why.com and we hope to see you there in January thanks but now we should move

[52:49] now we do the letters from listeners who I this will be fun

[52:54] hey guys I had a yeah usually things that when there's introduced that way

[53:04] end up not being fun I had a busy day at work today and so I didn't get to choose

[53:08] letters the old random mail so you're saying you usually usually just spend

[53:14] your time at work looking at letters for your every knows you spend most of the

[53:19] day posting to Facebook in the flop house Facebook group so I didn't have

[53:24] time to screen things so we're gonna play a little game called I'm gonna read

[53:28] the first four letters that come up hey everybody it's America's favorite game

[53:34] the game called I'm gonna read the first four letters in the flop house

[53:38] folder it's called letter roulette did you send a letter to Dan in the last 10

[53:44] minutes cuz if you did if you did if you did we'll be reading it now it's

[53:50] America's favorite game not soccer all right so this real quick I want to jump

[53:57] here and give thanks America does like soccer I want to make that to the MLS

[54:03] cutlery and Rorty's and all the other Houston Houston floppers out there

[54:08] Andrew thanks for sending me the the cassette mixtape for the horror movie

[54:14] marathon you guys showed the heavy metal horror movie marathon you guys showed

[54:17] down at the Alamo Draft House thanks for the mixtape dog all right okay

[54:23] I want to give thanks to Ashley Shannon

[54:36] Ashley Shannon who was kind enough to not only print off a copy of the contest

[54:43] winners entry but also put it in a lovely frame that matches the decor of

[54:48] my bar that will open someday hopefully otherwise I will totally murder myself

[54:54] so Ashley Shannon thank you so much it looks beautiful expect to see tons of

[54:59] pictures of it on the internet all right okay and I just want to jump in here and

[55:04] give a thanks to all of our brave men and women serving in America's fighting

[55:07] that's really brave for you to say you know I just I feel like they don't go

[55:11] noticed enough so this first letter is from I would like to thank I would I

[55:26] would like to thank the New York Mets who I know you didn't go all the way

[55:29] this year which Elliot reminds me about all the time I oh I was about to write

[55:33] but I think the Kansas City Royals in their hearts out and just taking

[55:37] advantage of every error made by that other team I don't know they were like

[55:40] there were like three no you don't know what you were talking about

[55:43] errored the shit out of Daniel Murphy let's one fucking ball go under his

[55:48] glove all right I'm losing everybody hey what's your name Murphy anyway I tell

[55:54] people all you can hope all you can hope is that a team you care about gives you

[55:58] a reason to care and this year they did and next year next love and who loves

[56:04] you and you cling tight to them just cling tight talking about realistic

[56:09] nobody's gonna love me Dan right I have to thank this first letter writer

[56:28] dear Dan this is from Irvin last name with held Welsh wait Magic Johnson yeah

[56:35] that's right amazing slogging through the back catalogs most much to my

[56:39] girlfriend's displeasure mostly because she finds Elliot's voice annoying I

[56:44] heard a bit of with a lot in common with my family carefully curated letters I

[56:51] heard a great bit of wisdom on the Atlas shrugged episode Elliot said to

[56:56] paraphrase people always warn you about a slippery slope but you know what a

[56:59] slippery slope is a water slide and it's great I thought that shit brilliant I

[57:04] ran to my girlfriend to share and after I told her what Elliot said she replied

[57:08] I hate him Stuart is still my favorite that's from Irvin last name I don't talk

[57:14] as much well I guess discuss I don't know what to do it seems not like I

[57:22] think that's a great letter yeah that was a fantastic well my family likes me

[57:26] mostly well I mean I like you so growing up was Elliot's voice always

[57:34] annoying oh yeah always but he didn't like use it as much now you guys give

[57:39] him way too much free reign that's no that's I mean I was not a confident

[57:42] child in many ways I was not a confident adolescent I really took getting into

[57:45] college and realizing that it was fun to be irritating to get me to talk as much

[57:50] as you also started that creatine program where you got super I was really

[57:56] into bodybuilding the Tom Noonan of the area and then I just stopped I wasn't

[58:03] interested when we were kids you change your entire wardrobe to Zuba's and those

[58:07] big dog t-shirts I was all into whatever branded t-shirts I could wear life's a

[58:14] beach was those ones lower it was bad boys club is what you're thinking what

[58:19] were the ones about like that go ahead naked volleyball no the most toys wins

[58:24] or something like that I mean that sounds like a t-shirt it was there was

[58:28] where it would be like I heard you though Dan would be like Johnson were

[58:33] great t-shirts yeah an enormous silhouette of a basketball player who's

[58:37] like coming at you like a space jam thing when I was in Japan this summer

[58:43] they had space jam t-shirts for sale in their department stores I was gonna say

[58:57] when we were kids though I was probably the more irritating one no I know it's

[59:01] hard to believe get out of here I know I know so damn what's the second random

[59:06] letter that's gonna be about insulting me okay it's titled Stuart gets the

[59:10] shaft I'm writing to express my displeasure with a trend I've noticed

[59:18] over the last several months when listeners write into the show they

[59:21] direct questions regarding cinema history writing and philosophy Dan and

[59:25] Elliot where Stuart gets questions along the lines of if you were going to fuck a

[59:29] sandwich which would be it's pulled pork every time I'd like to turn the

[59:36] tables here and throw a thoughtful question and my favorite peach what is

[59:42] the metaphysics of this sandwich that you're having sex with pause it real

[59:46] quick so I can figure this out Stuart there's a bunch of movies out there that

[59:49] upon first release were given negative reviews but received much more positive

[59:54] reviews in later years like United Passion Walter Hills the Warriors is one

[59:57] that comes to mind any movies you think got a

[1:00:00] Bad rap that people will eventually come around to love in the future?

[1:00:03] Dan and Elliot.

[1:00:04] If you were going to fuck a sandwich, which one would it be?

[1:00:06] Tuna fish.

[1:00:07] Thanks.

[1:00:08] For years of laughter.

[1:00:09] Zach.

[1:00:10] Yeah, I'm going to go egg salad, but Stu.

[1:00:15] I think the most obvious one, at least to me, would be John Carter of recent years.

[1:00:21] Not that John Carter is the greatest movie, but it was really maligned by critics who

[1:00:27] saw the terrible box office results and started just shitting on it.

[1:00:31] And even before it came out, they wanted to take down this expensive movie.

[1:00:34] Yeah, exactly.

[1:00:35] And I think, I mean, I'm not going to say it's the best movie in the world.

[1:00:39] Don't edit that and change that, Elliot.

[1:00:42] But I mean, I think for a big space adventure, I think it's pretty great.

[1:00:48] And it's got big rig in outer space.

[1:00:50] Sure, yeah.

[1:00:51] Dan, maybe the two of us could double team like a hoagie, like a party sub.

[1:00:56] Let's not talk about double teaming anything.

[1:00:58] You guys could high five each other while attacking.

[1:01:00] Exactly.

[1:01:01] And we're not being demeaning because it's a sandwich.

[1:01:03] And the fun part is that you guys could like look into each other's eyes.

[1:01:06] You could maybe talk.

[1:01:07] Yeah, we could talk about what's going on in our lives.

[1:01:09] Unless we're watching the movie Dumbleteam.

[1:01:11] I don't want to talk about it.

[1:01:12] Dumbleteam?

[1:01:13] Is that the word Dumbledore gets?

[1:01:14] Yeah, that's right.

[1:01:15] Him and Dennis Rodman were a great team.

[1:01:17] Dumbledore.

[1:01:18] Yeah.

[1:01:19] I'm just really glad that sandwich question wasn't asked of me.

[1:01:21] I mean, Dumbledore is gay.

[1:01:22] No, that's what I'm saying.

[1:01:23] The gay Dumbledore.

[1:01:24] Dumbledore.

[1:01:25] Dumbledorf goes fishing.

[1:01:27] There you go.

[1:01:28] So the magic is that he's standing on his knees.

[1:01:34] I made the lower half of my legs disappear through the power of shoes on knees.

[1:01:43] Through the power of kneeling.

[1:01:46] I made it a whole character.

[1:01:49] That's right.

[1:01:51] I watched those commercials all the time when I was a kid.

[1:01:54] And it wasn't until I was on a USO tour of Afghanistan.

[1:01:58] And we were in a USO recreation facility for soldiers and had 30 minutes to kill.

[1:02:05] And this huge selection of videos, and one of them was Dorf goes fishing.

[1:02:08] And we watched some of it.

[1:02:10] And it was the only time I'd ever really seen Dorf.

[1:02:12] And I was like, this is terrible.

[1:02:14] This is not what I was led to believe by all those commercials.

[1:02:18] The nonstop hilarity on display in those commercials.

[1:02:21] I expected better of Tim Connelly kneeling.

[1:02:23] They put all the good stuff in the commercials.

[1:02:26] Just like United Passions.

[1:02:28] Yeah.

[1:02:29] What am I selling a commercial for?

[1:02:31] That's why it failed.

[1:02:32] You don't read as many soccer blogs as I do, I guess.

[1:02:36] Dan, read us another letter, won't you?

[1:02:38] Put this back on the table.

[1:02:39] Yeah.

[1:02:40] So next in this delightful game that we're playing is from Rebecca, last name withheld.

[1:02:46] The movie.

[1:02:47] Who, De Mornay.

[1:02:49] It's titled...

[1:02:50] The first Mrs. De Winter.

[1:02:52] It's titled What the Fuck.

[1:02:55] It's a podcast.

[1:02:56] Stars Mark Harmon in summer school.

[1:03:05] She writes, this is not a letter, this is an email.

[1:03:09] Those goddamn songs have been a lie.

[1:03:12] And that's it.

[1:03:13] What?

[1:03:14] I mean, I wasn't singing about this letter.

[1:03:16] Speak to that.

[1:03:17] Speak to that.

[1:03:18] Yep.

[1:03:19] It holds up a real hand-me-down.

[1:03:20] You guys do get actual snail mail stuff sometimes, though.

[1:03:23] Yeah, we read one last episode.

[1:03:24] I just read some snail mails I got.

[1:03:26] Yeah.

[1:03:27] A mail from a snail.

[1:03:28] Let no one say the postal service isn't still amazing.

[1:03:30] Dear The Flophouse, can you please tell people to stop eating us and putting salt on me?

[1:03:36] Just because I'm a male and a female doesn't mean I can have sex with my snail.

[1:03:40] Love, a snail.

[1:03:43] A period snail.

[1:03:44] The A stands for Archibald.

[1:03:45] How much escargot do you think Gérard Depardieu ate before this movie was made?

[1:03:50] Before the movie?

[1:03:51] Like, through his whole life?

[1:03:52] No, no.

[1:03:53] In preparation.

[1:03:54] I don't know.

[1:03:55] In preparation?

[1:03:56] Yes.

[1:03:57] Like, he was studying?

[1:03:58] Yeah, he was studying.

[1:03:59] He's like, you know what the world needs is a fat Jules Rimet.

[1:04:02] Even though that's not a real thing.

[1:04:04] To play a FIFA executive, I must think like a FIFA executive, which I assume means eating delicious food all the time.

[1:04:10] Who wouldn't believe a man who's obsessed with soccer would be enormous and probably unable to play the game?

[1:04:15] I mean, the...

[1:04:17] I need to be slow and hard to not be slimy.

[1:04:21] I will have to eat snails to gain the power of the snails.

[1:04:25] I will create a shell out of human fat around my body and carry it with me like a house.

[1:04:31] I'll be able to retract into it at hard or stressful times in my life.

[1:04:35] Gerard, I don't think you understand how human bodies work.

[1:04:39] He just needs to eat enough so that it looks like he's retracting into the shell.

[1:04:43] Oh, now come now.

[1:04:45] He hasn't done it yet.

[1:04:46] He's a normal man.

[1:04:47] He just has large appetites.

[1:04:49] He's not a freak of nature.

[1:04:51] He's just a large man.

[1:04:53] What you're saying is bogus.

[1:04:55] It's the movie Bogus.

[1:04:57] Look, my father, the hero, would not stand for this.

[1:05:03] I'll have to give you a green card for this foul.

[1:05:06] Is that worse than a red card?

[1:05:08] It's way worse.

[1:05:10] It's a personal foul.

[1:05:11] A red card means stop doing what you're doing.

[1:05:13] A green card says go to jail.

[1:05:15] I'm sorry I even opened this door.

[1:05:18] To the last metro.

[1:05:20] I say Cyrano to you, sir.

[1:05:24] French movies that I don't remember right now.

[1:05:28] This last letter of the evening...

[1:05:30] Oh, I thought that was the last letter.

[1:05:32] From Riley, last name withheld.

[1:05:35] And she writes,

[1:05:39] I literally just woke up from a dream whereupon I was sitting with my...

[1:05:43] What?

[1:05:46] Just go on.

[1:05:47] It's an interesting way to start an email.

[1:05:49] I won't call them letters anymore.

[1:05:50] Sorry.

[1:05:51] I literally just woke up from a dream whereupon I was sitting with my three favorite peaches.

[1:05:56] Stuart turns on a film and it begins with a green field and blue sky.

[1:06:00] What is this, I ask.

[1:06:01] A small baby in a wagon pulls on screen.

[1:06:04] I don't remember what he said.

[1:06:05] I look up the film.

[1:06:07] Elliot.

[1:06:08] Oh, just wait.

[1:06:09] You'll see.

[1:06:10] And plot twist.

[1:06:12] The film is the only of the three recommendations of power I've not seen.

[1:06:16] Head of the Family.

[1:06:17] I don't know if Head of the Family starts this way,

[1:06:19] but I guess my subconscious thinks it does.

[1:06:22] What's weirder is I have my first flophouse dream off the back of three days of journalism

[1:06:26] in Syrian refugee camp on the island of coast Greece.

[1:06:30] All my best, Riley.

[1:06:33] Well, I'm pretty sure Head of the Family begins with a shot of a model house.

[1:06:41] Like a model house or a house that is a model?

[1:06:44] Like a house that's a model.

[1:06:45] A house where models live, like in the hit reality show Model House.

[1:06:49] Yeah, what Elliot said.

[1:06:51] It's a house that's filled with tiny models,

[1:06:54] models of, I don't know, hobbits, Boba Fetts.

[1:06:58] Like mini-figs.

[1:07:00] Yeah, mini-figs.

[1:07:01] A couple of Lego dudes, a tank.

[1:07:03] Is that like a fig that's not big enough to put in a Newton?

[1:07:10] That's right.

[1:07:11] At the quality control for Fig Newtons, they're like,

[1:07:15] this is not a Newton fig.

[1:07:17] Away with you.

[1:07:18] And they throw it into the Newton.

[1:07:21] It's like you're in FIFA or FIGFA.

[1:07:25] The FIG organization.

[1:07:27] Please.

[1:07:28] Come on.

[1:07:29] This is a serious organization.

[1:07:31] Sorry.

[1:07:32] So, Dan, how often is the federal?

[1:07:34] FIG is not for a cookie.

[1:07:41] FIGFA, the Federal Investigative General.

[1:07:46] Right.

[1:07:48] Whoa.

[1:07:49] Wow.

[1:07:50] Federal Investigative General.

[1:07:55] Football club?

[1:07:56] Fuck assembly.

[1:07:59] All right.

[1:08:00] I don't know what it does.

[1:08:01] I don't know, but I like the sound of it.

[1:08:03] So, Dan, when was the last time you had a dream where we were all in it?

[1:08:09] Including me.

[1:08:10] I don't think that's ever happened, honestly.

[1:08:12] What?

[1:08:13] I have dreams about you guys all the time.

[1:08:14] Really?

[1:08:15] We're hanging out.

[1:08:16] Just being really good friends.

[1:08:19] Have you ever had any dreams that just include me?

[1:08:22] Or nightmares?

[1:08:23] Whatever you want to call it.

[1:08:24] I don't know.

[1:08:25] Are you asking me?

[1:08:26] Both of you.

[1:08:27] Anybody.

[1:08:28] I'm sure I've been in dreams with Elliot.

[1:08:29] Maybe.

[1:08:30] I don't really remember many dreams that involve me.

[1:08:32] I've been your brother for three decades.

[1:08:33] There had to have been one somewhere.

[1:08:35] Maybe.

[1:08:36] I probably forgot.

[1:08:37] I mean, I remember very well the dream I had where Dan died.

[1:08:40] That was a terrible dream.

[1:08:41] Wow.

[1:08:42] Did you ever have a dream where you guys are arm wrestling?

[1:08:43] Way to make this sad.

[1:08:44] What?

[1:08:45] Are you just trying to get us to arm wrestle right now?

[1:08:46] Yes.

[1:08:48] There's only one way to find out if this is a dream or not.

[1:08:51] Just watch out.

[1:08:52] I might turn my hat around and go over the top.

[1:08:56] If only there was an arm wrestling committee that would decide if that's against the rules or not.

[1:09:00] There it is.

[1:09:07] We need a bunch of people with generic European accents to explain to us how to do this.

[1:09:12] Slap these old timey mustaches on.

[1:09:13] We're going to form this organization.

[1:09:16] Whether the English like it or not.

[1:09:21] The English are like, yeah, whatever.

[1:09:22] Have your arm wrestling.

[1:09:23] I don't care.

[1:09:25] So, guys, this is the part of the podcast where we do recommendations now.

[1:09:30] That's right, Stu.

[1:09:31] This is the part of the podcast where we…

[1:09:32] You're taking control.

[1:09:33] You're largely in charge.

[1:09:36] If it's up to us, we've got to take control.

[1:09:40] Ghostbusters 2.

[1:09:42] Wise man once said that.

[1:09:45] His name was Robert Brown.

[1:09:48] His name was Ghostbusters 2.

[1:09:55] This is where we recommend.

[1:09:57] As a wise man once said, they do what they want to do.

[1:10:00] I do play what they want to play live how they want to live that man's name

[1:10:04] Adam's family hammer the MC stands for Adam's family he threw people off the

[1:10:16] scent of his real name by using fake letters

[1:10:20] Wow yeah and yeah what MC he said his real initials were AF hammer Adams

[1:10:26] family hammer but he's like I don't want me to learn my real names then they'll

[1:10:29] have power over me because I'm a demon so I'll tell people my name is MC hammer

[1:10:34] I looked at a picture of MC Ganey he's like we look similar yeah they look

[1:10:41] pretty similar yeah to pull the stables out put that up there next to Stacey

[1:10:53] Keech Brian Dennehy is he also in this group of people

[1:11:21] you know James Gandolfini how do you have so many portly middle-aged actors

[1:11:26] like ready on recall instead of the movie that we wasted our time with

[1:11:41] thanks for considering time with me away Stan that's really cool

[1:11:44] oh boy man this is gonna make Thanksgiving awkward if it hadn't

[1:11:48] already happened and you're from different families but he still came to

[1:11:52] your Thanksgiving stop by afterwards yeah just for a peek behind the curtain

[1:11:56] and I'll hair of the turkey yeah I was gonna say the turkey was pretty good but

[1:12:04] I didn't know I had hair in it it was covered in hair that's disgusting

[1:12:07] thanks okay so I'm gonna recommend a movie that you should watch hey guys do

[1:12:21] you like soccer well why don't you pull up a movie called Shaolin soccer which

[1:12:28] is as different from the movie we just watched as any possible movie you'll

[1:12:33] ever watch Shaolin soccer is a I guess is it Chinese I guess I think it's

[1:12:40] Chinese yeah it's directed written and directed and starring Stephen Chow who

[1:12:45] is a I guess a Looney Tunes of a performer it is a martial arts movie

[1:12:51] that is filled with a ton of special effects where a young man joins the

[1:12:59] soccer team made up of all kung fu masters and they play against the evil

[1:13:04] team who use drugs to make them supernaturally good at soccer yeah it's

[1:13:10] a super crazy-ass movie you should totally watch it it's fast-paced it's

[1:13:13] funny it's filled with funny traditional Chinese nicknames where they'll call the

[1:13:20] the heavyweight guy the the heavyset guy fat so and things like that at least in

[1:13:25] the the subtitle version I want there's a lot of dancing I totally recommend it

[1:13:31] Shaolin soccer it's a fun movie I don't have to like soccer to watch it

[1:13:36] Shaolin what that helps what happens in it does not really resemble soccer very

[1:13:43] closely it's closer to soccer than this movie was I will give you that someone

[1:13:48] kicks a ball yeah and that there is somebody kicking a ball I mean kung fu

[1:13:53] I think it's also hard people's like clothes rip off so I think it's pretty

[1:13:58] accurate soccer for a lot of you know I played zap soccer and that used to

[1:14:03] happen a lot I want to recommend a movie it just like that's the concept they

[1:14:11] like I want to recommend a movie I'm contractually obligated to recommend a

[1:14:18] trailer for a TV show I watched a movie that I got one of the many award

[1:14:25] screeners I sat down and watched Steve Jobs you know I'll say I'll say this

[1:14:31] about the movie I think that it's hampered by high expectations the last

[1:14:35] time Aaron Sorkin wrote a movie about a tech wizard it was the social network

[1:14:40] and it was horrific and this is not that movie this is this is and there was

[1:14:48] I feel like there's a lot of expectations about this movie like yeah

[1:14:52] yeah he's a great director I think good stuff Oscars Oscars are a call that's

[1:15:01] what I that's what I was gonna say I feel like they thought that this was

[1:15:04] gonna be a big Oscar contender and then it sunk like a stone if you tie a stone

[1:15:09] to her she in this movie no but it she can still sink if you make her she's

[1:15:14] sure she sank like a Chris Rock like a regular avalanche what was that guy's

[1:15:22] name Bruce Blanche that's who it was he was the Bruce Blanche the third

[1:15:28] president of FIFA yeah I guess seven sorry time to write all those Academy

[1:15:32] quips but it's a fun movie I'll say this it's a it it's a movie that really feels

[1:15:38] like a play which is no surprise since Sorkin started out as a playwright but

[1:15:43] it's structured like a play it's basically Steve Jobs having

[1:15:47] conversations with the same sort of six figures that are important to his life

[1:15:53] minifigs and it like it's it's literally split into it's literally split into

[1:16:00] three acts and each of the axes before a big product launch in his career and he

[1:16:06] has conversations with the same six people at different times in his career

[1:16:10] and structurally that's kind of like fun to watch like it really is like

[1:16:14] watching a glossy Broadway play that's well turned but not very deep so if you

[1:16:23] want to watch sort of an entertaining thing that's a little like a chamber

[1:16:28] piece let's call it I enjoyed Steve Jobs you know the structure sounded

[1:16:33] interesting to me not interesting enough to get me to the old movie

[1:16:36] theater I mean I would like to watch it I'm more it's a weird I am going to it's

[1:16:41] a weirdly where I am more interested in the structure than the subject matter

[1:16:44] yeah like I don't find Steve Jobs to be that particularly interesting a person I

[1:16:49] just want to see if we can find out once and for all if Michael Fassbender is a

[1:16:52] better actor than Ashton Kutcher did make his own version of shame there's a

[1:17:02] season two-and-a-half men where Michael Fassbender was starring in it was a very

[1:17:06] dark season of that 70s show or as you get his character wore a giant paper

[1:17:13] mache head the whole time wasn't Android yeah this is your first time on

[1:17:29] the show this is time for you to recommend a movie oh man make the call

[1:17:34] well I was I'm fucking money ball because I've already I'm not gonna

[1:17:37] recommend money ball I was I was looking at money ball to mo money mobile I was

[1:17:43] looking at a damn good recommend mo money either cuz I've recommended that

[1:17:46] like 17 times I was looking at Dan because he looked at me like it's a treasure like

[1:17:50] Dave it's your turn but I wasn't sure I wasn't your belly was supposed to go

[1:17:56] first or what you know I'll go last okay I actually I have I have two movies

[1:18:01] because everybody including including these co-hosts everybody's expecting me

[1:18:07] to recommend something sports related so I'll give you that I guess two movies

[1:18:11] recommend yeah so the sports that's why we both have aprons that say Cailin's do

[1:18:17] it twice anyway the sports movie I recommend is a while back I watched a

[1:18:24] Netflix documentary called the battered bastards of baseball which is about a

[1:18:27] minor league team yeah it's about a minor league baseball team insurance

[1:18:34] outlawed it's about a minor league baseball team called the Portland

[1:18:37] Mavericks that played in the 1970s that was owned by Kurt Russell's dad and Kurt

[1:18:42] Kurt Russell played for them for a few years I think and it also had a couple

[1:18:46] of like major league castoffs like Jim Boughton was on the team he's he wrote

[1:18:51] ball for and he also invented big league chew if that's the sort of thing you're

[1:18:55] into it's pretty it's a pretty fun documentary because it's a bunch of

[1:19:07] crazy characters got a bunch of that's not why he invented it to make money and

[1:19:15] to give baseball players something to chew that wasn't tobacco anyway it's a

[1:19:20] fun I mean there's no reason they couldn't just shoot chewing gum it's a

[1:19:23] fun documentary but it also kind of shows how hypocritical major league

[1:19:26] baseball is to a certain degree it's pretty good that wasn't what I was gonna

[1:19:31] recommend but then everybody when I came here was like what sports movie do you

[1:19:33] have to recommend so that's that yes impression of us the movie I was going

[1:19:42] to recommend is is last week last week I I watched beasts of no nation which is

[1:19:52] not like fun to watch at all it's really disturbing so don't like watch it before

[1:19:56] you go to bed or something or if you wanna have a good time but it's pretty

[1:19:59] good

[1:20:00] If you want to have a good time, get up first thing in the morning, watch this movie about

[1:20:07] child soldiers in the Civil War, make some eggs, maybe start your day.

[1:20:13] It's pretty good, Idris Elba is really great in it, you should watch it, it's on Netflix,

[1:20:19] go do that.

[1:20:20] Prometheus' Idris Elba?

[1:20:21] Yeah.

[1:20:22] That's what he's best known for.

[1:20:23] Rumored Roland Deschain from the Dark Tower series, Idris Elba?

[1:20:29] No, that is a super topical.

[1:20:31] I thought his biggest role was in...

[1:20:34] Obsessed?

[1:20:35] Idris Elba?

[1:20:36] Heimdall from Thor?

[1:20:37] No, what was that movie with the giant robots, the Pacific Rim, yeah, that's his biggest...

[1:20:42] Packery?

[1:20:43] Yeah.

[1:20:44] Packery.

[1:20:45] That's what all the kids call it.

[1:20:46] That's what the fans call it, the members of PECFRA, the playing association for Pacific

[1:20:52] Rim.

[1:20:53] I'll recommend my movies, we're going long.

[1:20:55] Fucking, Elliot's gonna have to go super fast.

[1:20:58] I'm gonna recommend two movies that are about white people going to countries where non-white

[1:21:02] people live and doing stuff that's not so great to them.

[1:21:06] One's a new movie, one's an old movie.

[1:21:08] The new movie is...

[1:21:09] Man Who Would Be King?

[1:21:10] That is a great movie.

[1:21:11] Yeah, I think I've already recommended it.

[1:21:13] The new movie is Sicario, which is directed by that French director who did Prisoners,

[1:21:20] which I didn't love, but it looks great.

[1:21:23] Did you like Enemy?

[1:21:24] I haven't seen it.

[1:21:25] That's great.

[1:21:26] Sicario is...

[1:21:27] In one sense, it's about the drug war that the US is waging against Mexican gangs, but

[1:21:33] it is a very unrealistic movie that is dosed with a thick layer of realism, and so it actually

[1:21:42] is a really intense, intense movie.

[1:21:44] And there's some scenes in it that are just amazing for how intense and how hard they

[1:21:49] hit you, but then when you're done watching it, you're like, wait a minute, I don't know

[1:21:53] if that's really how the drug war operates.

[1:21:55] And Benicio Del Toro plays one of these kind of silent, mysterious assassin types in it,

[1:22:01] and he's really good at it.

[1:22:02] Yeah, he's pretty great.

[1:22:03] It's a great-looking movie.

[1:22:06] It's rare that I appreciate landscape shooting in a movie because it's pretty easy to take

[1:22:12] a camera and point it at a beautiful landscape, but they've managed to take some of the most

[1:22:17] kind of bleak landscapes on the North American continent and really make them look interesting

[1:22:23] and beautiful, so Sicario, if you want a grim and intense drug war thriller.

[1:22:28] If you're looking for something that's slightly lighter, I recently watched Beau Jest, the

[1:22:34] 1939 version of that story, which is a William Wellman movie with Gary Cooper and Ray Moland

[1:22:39] and Robert Preston, and it's the classic tale of three high-society Englishmen who—

[1:22:46] Just checking my email.

[1:22:47] Because this is a movie from the 30s, they all have—

[1:22:49] I like that you made a point to point out that it was the 1939 version.

[1:22:52] Yeah, there's more than one version of the movie.

[1:22:54] I'm not recommending those versions.

[1:22:56] I haven't seen them.

[1:22:57] I recommend the 1939 one, where it's about three brothers.

[1:23:01] One of them has stolen a big gem, and they all leave to join the French Foreign Legion

[1:23:10] as a way of keeping their honor, and they end up under the command of Brian Donlevy

[1:23:15] as this very sadistic commander of this Foreign Legion regiment,

[1:23:20] and he is amazingly horrifying and creepy in it.

[1:23:24] There's some great action scenes with shootouts with the Muslim nomadic tribes

[1:23:30] that are going through the area and fighting the French,

[1:23:32] and it's just a really good old-fashioned adventure-type movie,

[1:23:38] as long as you don't think about the fact that these guys are basically just volunteering

[1:23:41] to be part of a colonial force that really doesn't have much reason to be there.

[1:23:44] But Bojest, if you want more of an old-fashioned take on those things,

[1:23:48] Sicario, if we want a new-fashioned take on them.

[1:23:51] Okay.

[1:23:52] Wow, that was two, four, five, six movies recommended.

[1:23:56] Yeah.

[1:23:57] Two of them coming from each of the Kaelin brothers.

[1:24:00] What a surprise.

[1:24:01] You got your homework for next week.

[1:24:03] Christmas.

[1:24:04] Of course, I don't fucking remember.

[1:24:05] When did we put this movie—this podcast out?

[1:24:09] We were supposed to be making a movie.

[1:24:10] Oh, no.

[1:24:11] Jesus.

[1:24:12] This episode is the length of a film.

[1:24:14] Pretty low production costs.

[1:24:15] Every episode you guys have put out in the last, like, six months has been an hour and a half.

[1:24:20] We get all wrapped up talking about stupid garbage.

[1:24:23] Radio Zorks and whatnot.

[1:24:25] Now that Elliot's not complaining about his day job all the time,

[1:24:28] we've got room to stretch.

[1:24:30] It's true.

[1:24:31] Stretch it out.

[1:24:32] Stretching it out.

[1:24:35] Instead of having to rush home to go to sleep,

[1:24:37] he rushes home to sleep on a giant mountain of cocaine

[1:24:42] You clearly know my brother really well.

[1:24:44] He's a crazy party animal now.

[1:24:46] He is a wild partier.

[1:24:48] He has always loved cocaine.

[1:24:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:24:50] Always.

[1:24:51] Your eyes don't match your belly.

[1:24:54] I just remember in—

[1:24:55] I don't know what that even means.

[1:24:57] I like the idea that in your world you're swallowing all this cocaine.

[1:25:04] How are you supposed to eat it?

[1:25:06] That is like a scene from an 80s movie with, like, a Japanese character

[1:25:11] who keeps mistranslating American phrases.

[1:25:14] Instead of saying, my eyes are bigger than my stomach,

[1:25:16] he goes, oh, my eyes don't match my belly.

[1:25:19] I just like the idea—

[1:25:20] You'll try it, dude.

[1:25:21] It's raining squirrels and bears out there.

[1:25:24] I just like the idea of Elliot as a huge coke fiend,

[1:25:27] which is amazing if you—

[1:25:29] Like, Elliot, why don't you come over—

[1:25:31] Actually, the pastry dissolves.

[1:25:32] Elliot, why don't you watch this Buster Keaton movie with me?

[1:25:35] He's like, no, no, no.

[1:25:36] Fuck that guy.

[1:25:37] I gotta do more cocaine.

[1:25:38] You know what?

[1:25:39] I can do cocaine.

[1:25:40] He's got the energy of a coke fiend.

[1:25:41] That's true, yeah.

[1:25:42] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:25:44] A lot of zazz.

[1:25:45] It's just like—

[1:25:46] I'm nervous that if Elliot started taking too many uppers,

[1:25:49] he'd become the micromachine pitchman.

[1:25:55] Yeah, he's just talking about micromachines all the time.

[1:25:58] Yeah, you know Elliot's obsession with class cars, but small versions.

[1:26:02] Only when they're tiny.

[1:26:04] I don't want to drive them.

[1:26:05] I want to hold them in the palm of my hand.

[1:26:06] And he wears a jumpsuit everywhere he goes.

[1:26:08] And a cap.

[1:26:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:10] Can't get this mustache to where I want it.

[1:26:12] Well, you would have fit in in the movie, though,

[1:26:13] if you had a goofy mustache.

[1:26:14] Wait, there is a micromachines movie,

[1:26:16] and I'm just finding out about it?

[1:26:18] No, no, no.

[1:26:19] United Passions.

[1:26:20] If you had the micromachine guy's mustache—

[1:26:22] A wizard steals the micromachines guy's ability to fast talk.

[1:26:26] That would have made that movie way quicker.

[1:26:28] No, but he steals it.

[1:26:29] He talks slow now.

[1:26:30] He talks super slow.

[1:26:31] That's why the movie is seven hours long.

[1:26:33] Seven hours long.

[1:26:35] With an intermission, of course.

[1:26:37] The overture is performed by—

[1:26:38] Dancing Candy and stuff.

[1:26:40] I don't know.

[1:26:41] Glenn Dancing.

[1:26:46] There's a ten-minute overture that Glenn Dancing does.

[1:26:49] Okay, well, this is just nonsense now.

[1:26:51] We gotta wrap it up.

[1:26:52] Okay, so time to wrap it up for the Fluff House podcast.

[1:26:56] Thanks for joining us.

[1:26:59] You ran out of steam there, Steve.

[1:27:02] You dropped the whole rhythm of the thing.

[1:27:04] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:27:05] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:27:07] I've been David, last name withheld.

[1:27:09] And I'm Elliot Kaelin, David's brother.

[1:27:11] Hooray for brothers!

[1:27:13] We did it!

[1:27:14] And soccer!

[1:27:15] Yeah!

[1:27:23] You guys can't keep making jokes while I have beer in my mouth.

[1:27:27] Thanks for calling those jokes.

[1:27:30] But really, they're just sounds.

[1:27:36] Classic Fluff House bit.

[1:27:38] Making mouth sounds.

[1:27:41] I would hang myself if I was here all the time, I think.

[1:27:44] With the three of you, I mean.

[1:27:46] I thought you would if you were Dan's roommate.

[1:27:48] Dan seems really nice.

[1:27:49] You let me have two beers for free.

[1:27:51] That's pretty good.

[1:27:52] I mean, some would say that's the least a host should provide.

[1:27:55] Ladies drink free.

[1:27:57] Others would say,

[1:27:58] I brought the beer, so Dan doesn't deserve anything.

[1:28:03] Dan, let me have some free beers from Stuart.

[1:28:05] I mean, I remind you to bring beers.

[1:28:07] Yeah, I guess you get half credit.

[1:28:10] You got the assist.

[1:28:12] Nice sports terms.

[1:28:14] Thanks.

[1:28:15] Mazel Tov.

[1:28:22] The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon

[1:28:24] and is standing over a hoard of precious golden rubies.

[1:28:27] And he says,

[1:28:28] What do you do, adventurers?

[1:28:30] I'm a dragon man.

[1:28:31] I cast fire on him.

[1:28:32] It's very good.

[1:28:33] I address the red dragon and say,

[1:28:35] Us? We're the hosts of the Adventure Zone,

[1:28:37] a podcast about family playing Dungeons and Dragons.

[1:28:40] Very good synergy.

[1:28:41] Commit to the bit.

[1:28:42] I roll to charm new listeners.

[1:28:45] It is very effective.

[1:28:47] Against all odds.

[1:28:48] Hey, everybody.

[1:28:49] We're the Macroids.

[1:28:50] We host the Adventure Zones,

[1:28:51] a podcast where we play Dungeons and Dragons together.

[1:28:53] It's a comedy podcast.

[1:28:54] We don't take the rules too seriously

[1:28:55] because there's a lot of them

[1:28:56] and we did not take the time to learn them.

[1:28:58] Maybe listen to us.

[1:28:59] We come out every other Thursday

[1:29:00] on the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:29:01] You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org.

[1:29:04] I think this promo is a critical hit.

Ep. #193 - United Passions

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