Ep. #194 - Outcast

[0:00] merry cage miss everyone tonight santa cage has bought outcasts oh is it a president under

[0:11] president is it a president under the cage tree or a lump of coal in our cage stocking or president

[0:16] is there a president under the cage oh my god someone's murdered this president we're all suspects

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:52] Whoa, Dan McCoy from the Flophouse podcast?

[0:55] Yeah.

[0:57] Yeah.

[0:57] Okay, well, I'm Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:00] Whoa, Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse Podcast?

[1:02] You heard it here first, Buster.

[1:04] Hey, guys, if you're excited about that, get ready for Elliot Kalin of the Flophouse.

[1:08] No way.

[1:09] Meh.

[1:09] That's fair.

[1:11] That's fair.

[1:12] Wow.

[1:13] Unimpressed.

[1:14] You spoke with the voice of America just then.

[1:16] That don't impress-a me much.

[1:18] Oh, oh.

[1:20] Oh, oh, oh.

[1:26] so guys we do a podcast here right on this podcast oh yeah we do do a podcast

[1:31] do do dan what do we do do on this podcast we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it and

[1:38] it's called the flop ass podcast starring me stewart wellington established asked and answered

[1:43] counselor moving on it's whoa bailiff no shenanigans over here yeah shut your pie hole

[1:53] we're moving on is he like in his his parents were asian and irish no shenanigans yeah i think

[2:00] i just stole a bob and david bit i'll uh just erase that just no no you can say something

[2:04] is no shenanigans all right i stole a judge john hodgman bit just a moment ago and i steal

[2:09] everything because it's me the cat the world's greatest jewel thief dan stewart secure your

[2:16] earrings too late his ears are now bare as the day they were born but this fine jeweled brooch

[2:22] i'm wearing dan why don't you check your chest and see if there's any hair left well all right

[2:26] that's right because i'm a creepy thief

[2:30] how do you even do this it's a trick of the trade

[2:36] that trade the human hair trade i'm also a seller of wigs in addition to being a thief

[2:42] boy oh boy it's hard to survive in the wig business it helps them a criminal mostly

[2:46] merkins i assume since it seems like you're uh interested in body hair only because i was

[2:52] such a love of the film of the broadway star ethel merkin uh this is a podcast oh wait of course

[3:01] indie comedian eugene merkin we did this already uh from bob's merkins

[3:07] very different show this is uh it's a bad movie podcast a very special time of year

[3:15] It's Cagemas.

[3:16] Yay, the happiest time of the year.

[3:19] When we celebrate our Lord and Savior.

[3:20] This happens once a year.

[3:21] Nick Cage, yes.

[3:23] Except when we also do Cagemas in July.

[3:25] Okay, this happens two times a year.

[3:28] Sometimes in the past we've thrown in an extra Cage movie, too.

[3:30] Because why not?

[3:31] Let's make it clear what our feelings are on Cage.

[3:33] Do we like Cage in an ironic sense?

[3:35] No.

[3:36] No, we like him in a real sense.

[3:39] In a real, sincere sense.

[3:41] We are raging Cajuns.

[3:45] It's the only way to put it.

[3:46] As established.

[3:47] Full of gnoll and spices.

[3:49] Zatarans indeed.

[3:52] Zatarans all around.

[3:54] A wench, bar wench.

[3:57] Zatarans for me and my fellows.

[3:58] I still don't know what that means.

[4:01] It's just food.

[4:02] Okay.

[4:03] Anyway.

[4:03] I assume it's ground up gators.

[4:06] Spice ground up gators.

[4:08] It's the Little League baseball team, the ground up gators.

[4:14] Now, Nicolas Cage is someone I think we all have a genuine appreciation for as a great actor.

[4:20] And we also have a genuine appreciation for him as somebody who cannot say no to a film because of his financial needs.

[4:26] And so he'll do pretty much anything.

[4:28] He blesses us with like five movies a year.

[4:31] Including sexual favors.

[4:33] Five of them, ask him.

[4:34] Just give him enough money.

[4:37] He'll do anything you want.

[4:38] Wow, are you his manager now?

[4:40] We're entering slander and libel territory right now.

[4:43] You're his manager.

[4:44] I get 10% of the job, though.

[4:46] That's right.

[4:47] But he, so, and he is also, he's not picky in the movies he chooses.

[4:56] And he's also not picky in his acting choices.

[4:59] In that he will do just about anything to make a role, if not interesting, then at least ridiculous.

[5:05] Yeah, I mean, we've mentioned that there's been some movies where he doesn't bring much energy and he tries to be like a slow simmering cage.

[5:13] Yeah, like Bangkok Dangerous.

[5:14] That's not what we're looking for.

[5:15] Not fun.

[5:15] And luckily, that's not what's delivered in helping, heaping, helping spoonfuls for us tonight.

[5:21] Yeah, let's.

[5:22] Hamburger helper spoonfuls.

[5:22] So this movie we watched, Outcast, it doesn't, in one, Andre 3000 and Big Boy do not appear.

[5:28] No.

[5:29] Two, there's not a lot of Nicolas Cage in this.

[5:31] He's listed as a star, but he's really more of a, it's almost more of an extended double cameo.

[5:37] But what he brings to the table is the ripest, broadest English accent growl you've seen since like a high school or even elementary school production of Treasure Island.

[5:48] Have you guys ever heard of the movie Executive Decision with Kurt Russell?

[5:52] I have an interesting story about that.

[5:53] You see, it seems that the studio traded that for some other movie that I don't remember because the story is not interesting.

[5:59] Oh, that's fascinating.

[6:00] But that movie boasts.

[6:01] And I appreciate you not interrupting me.

[6:03] That movie boasts a certain Steven Seagal in it.

[6:06] Yeah, Seagull.

[6:06] And he disappears relatively quickly.

[6:08] And I feel like, no spoilers,

[6:10] but Nicolas Cage kind of delivers the same sort of thing.

[6:13] Except he comes back.

[6:14] What?

[6:15] Sometimes they come back.

[6:17] Nicolas Cage is they.

[6:18] That's a long title for a Stephen King movie.

[6:22] Can we cut off the Nicolas Cage part?

[6:23] Because I feel like that also fences us in

[6:26] about what kind of movie we can make.

[6:27] Maybe we don't want to make a movie

[6:29] that has to do with just Nicolas Cage.

[6:30] Look, I've got a vision,

[6:31] and if that vision isn't complied with, I will walk.

[6:35] Well, contractually, your vision doesn't matter.

[6:37] All right.

[6:38] Well, I guess I'm going to go.

[6:39] Next time, I'll just write a movie for Mick Garris to direct.

[6:43] What's his name?

[6:43] Yeah, no, that's it.

[6:44] Mick Garris.

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:46] Mr. Tommyknocker is it.

[6:48] Mr. Storm of the Century, I think.

[6:51] I thought you were saying his name was Mr. Tommyknockers, which seems like a softcore pseudonym.

[6:58] Yeah.

[6:59] He's a real master of horror.

[7:01] That's all I know, according to the show Masters of Horror.

[7:05] now is that the sequel to masters of sex or the prequel that's a prequel okay yeah because you

[7:11] gotta get scared first to get all worked up is that how it works like uh taking a date to a

[7:17] horror show a horror show yeah like a grand guinal stage show i feel like traveling carnival where

[7:25] someone gets killed on stage and maybe they really got killed dan's describing the latest

[7:30] season of american horror story maybe yeah i guess so yeah babe we're gonna go see a snuff

[7:34] movie and then uh then maybe you'll get all interested in me huh all interested in me

[7:40] maybe you'll get all interested maybe you'll get intrigued by what is beneath my pants

[7:45] it will pique your interest okay uh i don't know who this character is yeah he's a kind of a like

[7:55] a newspaper salesman from like the 20s maybe he's an out-of-work astronaut i don't know anyway

[8:00] so this movie

[8:02] so Nicolas Cage

[8:02] is not in a lot

[8:03] of this movie

[8:04] but he provides

[8:05] fun when he is

[8:06] the movie begins

[8:07] smash cut

[8:08] smash cut

[8:09] the movie tells us

[8:10] via titles

[8:11] that this is

[8:11] the middle east

[8:12] in the 13th century

[8:13] they could not

[8:15] be bothered

[8:15] to give us

[8:16] a specific city

[8:17] or year

[8:17] they've only

[8:18] narrowed it down

[8:19] to a region

[8:20] and a century

[8:21] it's like how

[8:21] some movies

[8:22] kind of leave

[8:23] the viewer

[8:23] in this kind

[8:24] of state of ambiguity

[8:24] to make them

[8:25] uncomfortable

[8:26] yeah it's just

[8:27] like that

[8:28] yeah

[8:29] yeah this is

[8:30] like images or limbo you know irreversible one of those movies sure now uh the what it

[8:37] strikes me more as a uh lack of interest in research in that we're thrown into a crusade

[8:42] scene yep obviously hayden christensen the other star of this movie star of the upcoming star wars

[8:48] the force wakes up no i don't well he's in it as as um as nicky skywalker uh i don't think this is

[8:57] Nope, I don't think that's canon.

[8:58] Star Wars number seven, Wake Up, Force Time.

[9:02] Hey, Force, you got school.

[9:06] Starring Hayden Christensen as Christian Haydensen.

[9:10] The name he checks into hotels under so that the paparazzi doesn't get him.

[9:14] Joke's on him, paparazzi's not looking for him.

[9:16] Anyway, he is a knight in some crusade.

[9:20] He's got a cool haircut.

[9:22] They didn't even bother to do the research to tell us the year of a crusade.

[9:26] It's a historic fact which years the Crusades have been in.

[9:28] He's got a cool haircut, and he's teamed up with Nick Cage,

[9:31] who is wearing a helmet with long chain mail.

[9:34] And they're involved in some kind of like the sacking of a city.

[9:39] Yeah.

[9:40] Of a Middle Eastern question mark city.

[9:42] Yeah.

[9:43] It's like the movie Up in the Air.

[9:46] Because, uh.

[9:47] Because the blood is flying up in the air.

[9:49] They're sacking a city, and Nick Cage has clearly lost his taste

[9:53] for the slaughtering of Muslims.

[9:56] And he's like, ah, this is all, it's all crap what we're doing, blah, blah, blah.

[10:00] And Hayden Christensen isn't quite ready to accept that until he's massacred some more Muslims and then seen them kill themselves to escape his unholy wrath.

[10:10] Whereas he sees it, holy wrath, and it's established that he is a super badass with specifically the javelin.

[10:17] Oh man, give that dude a spear, everybody's toast.

[10:20] Because, wait, he's making toast for everybody with a spear?

[10:24] Yep, he's putting them in the oven for a specific amount of time.

[10:27] He's making his toast in the oven?

[10:29] He's a weird guy.

[10:32] Yeah, I can't afford a fucking toaster, Mr. Rockefeller.

[10:35] Look, this is the 13th century.

[10:36] Toaster ovens had not been invented yet.

[10:39] Only oven ovens.

[10:40] I guess that's fair.

[10:42] But sliced bread had been invented.

[10:44] Oh, yeah.

[10:45] Everyone was still excited about it.

[10:46] Yeah, it was the biggest invention since itself.

[10:48] They were like, sliced bread?

[10:50] this is the best invention since hand nobbles.

[10:54] You don't even know what those are

[10:55] because we don't care anymore

[10:56] because sliced bread is so much better.

[10:58] Yeah, and nothing has superseded it since then.

[11:01] Yeah, well, think about it.

[11:02] Hand nobbles sounds like a really bad off-brand

[11:05] like Cheetos variant.

[11:07] They're like, I don't know, you use your hand

[11:11] and they kind of look like nobbles.

[11:12] And their mascot is like a bobcat

[11:14] with like a sunshade on.

[11:20] Bob Novels is what they call him.

[11:22] Bob Novels.

[11:23] He's like Chester Cheetah, but not as cool.

[11:26] But like, he's cleaner than Chester Cheetah.

[11:31] Like, he's got a clean house and he keeps his taxes in order.

[11:34] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[11:34] He's a sometimes member of the PGA Tour.

[11:38] That's how you know he loves snacks.

[11:41] I'm happy.

[11:44] It's a sport that doesn't require a lot of exercise.

[11:47] Now, Cheetos, they crunch pretty loud.

[11:49] But hand novels are pretty moist so they don't crutch.

[11:51] That's when you want a quiet snack, like during a golf game.

[11:54] Well, because you soak them in vinegar before you eat them.

[11:56] For that smooth taste.

[12:00] Hand novels, won't you?

[12:03] Anyway, they are fighting through this town, and it's a bloody mess in that the editing is very unclear.

[12:11] Also, the battle's pretty bloody, too.

[12:13] And by the end of it, Hayden Christensen, he's not a feeling so good because he sees the leader of the Muslim people they're fighting, the leader's wife, kills her children and then herself right in front of Hayden Christensen rather than allow themselves to fall into the hands of these barbarians.

[12:31] Yeah, the opening kind of devolves into a sort of like, like a fiery, violent, like, like it just kind of, it kind of like the, it kind of goes to black basically, right?

[12:40] That like, it feels like we're lost in this hellscape, like at the end of Sword of Doom.

[12:44] Yeah, exactly.

[12:45] That's a good movie, Sword of Doom.

[12:47] Yeah.

[12:47] And then, boom, we have, we have the title.

[12:50] Title credits, and then boom.

[12:52] Three years later, just like in Brad.

[12:53] Three years later in the Far East.

[12:55] Now, what year is it?

[12:56] We don't know.

[12:57] Is it still in the 13th century?

[12:59] Why did they even say three years later?

[13:01] establish he's had a number of years just bumming around being a drug addict uh it's three years

[13:06] later in the far east again kingdom or country name unnecessary it's the far east and we are

[13:12] suddenly thrust into what appears to be a different movie as an aging let's just say chinese emperor

[13:17] uh and that names his young kind of like 14 year old second son who is very peaceful and a little

[13:25] let's just say it weak yeah he's kind of the fredo of the brothers uh he kind of seems dim

[13:31] i don't like he does not seem smart there's not a lot to recommend him here and he doesn't clean

[13:36] his face very often well that he was on the dusty road he was a gentleman he was a gentleman of the

[13:43] road so yeah dusty roads uh he uh he names his younger son as his heir not his older warring

[13:51] son because the people need a leader of peace

[13:53] not a leader of war. And he knows that his

[13:55] older son is coming to demand

[13:57] the kingdom. So he gives the royal seal

[13:59] to his son and his daughter

[14:01] who he charges with taking care of his

[14:03] very weak, very

[14:05] can't take care of himself son.

[14:07] His son just kind of like wanders through

[14:09] the movie as other people save him

[14:11] all the time. Yep.

[14:12] And he's got dirt on his face.

[14:14] Why are you so...

[14:17] It really affected Stuart that in one scene he had dirt on his face.

[14:19] Let's fix the music. He's got dirt on that face.

[14:21] Is this a podcast where you just really come out really strong as a personal hygiene advocate?

[14:26] Just carry some moist wipes in your pocket, little bro.

[14:28] Get yourself cleaned up.

[14:32] Like loose in your pocket?

[14:34] They'll dry out.

[14:35] No, you get one of those little packets that self-seals.

[14:39] Self-seals?

[14:41] It's like that healing technology?

[14:43] Yes.

[14:43] It's like that healing technology.

[14:46] So, dirty face.

[14:50] See, his face is not yet dirty.

[14:51] And his big sister.

[14:51] His face currently clean.

[14:53] And his big sister, who is run out through a secret hideaway, led by a monk, who, since he is bald and is wearing robes.

[15:00] You know that guy knows Kung Fu.

[15:02] He's a Kung Fu maniac, and he's going to take down like 10 guys.

[15:04] As soon as he shows up, you're like, oh boy, what's going to happen?

[15:07] Hope this Shaolin dude starts beating people up with his wushu.

[15:11] And then in runs the bad guy's son, the older son, who has just finished fighting a war or something.

[15:17] He wears black armor, which everybody wears in this movie,

[15:20] and he demands that the kingdom be his

[15:23] and then stabs his father, killing him ever so lightly.

[15:28] Yeah, just the tiniest amount.

[15:30] Just the little tip of his knife.

[15:31] That's all he needs to poke in him,

[15:32] and it just kind of like tips his dad over the edge into deathdom.

[15:35] He makes a pretty good point, though.

[15:37] He comes in, and he's like, number one, I'm the oldest son,

[15:40] and this was my birthright.

[15:43] He's like, primogeniture, bitch.

[15:45] I've been out there.

[15:46] Is Freddy Krueger now?

[15:47] He's Freddy Krueger

[15:49] Under the worst nightmare

[15:50] With a real understanding

[15:51] Of pre-modern legal systems

[15:54] Your younger sons

[15:56] Better get ready

[15:56] For a career in the priesthood

[15:58] They don't inherit nothing, bitch

[16:01] But number two

[16:02] Like he's been out there

[16:04] On the front lines

[16:04] I sounded more like

[16:05] More like

[16:06] Macho man Randy Savage

[16:08] At the end there

[16:09] Bonesaw will be king

[16:12] Bonesaw's ready, bitch

[16:14] What if Randy Savage had played

[16:16] Freddy Krueger? Very different character

[16:18] A little more

[16:20] pageantry, more, a slightly different

[16:22] hat, more of a cowboy

[16:23] Sunglasses would be

[16:26] an amazing touch though

[16:28] I mean, Freddy Moore's sunglasses

[16:29] is a necessity

[16:31] That brings me back to the original song of the autumn

[16:34] Dan, you were saying something?

[16:35] No, just like this other point is like, oh, I've also been

[16:38] going out and warring for you

[16:40] like I've been on the front lines

[16:42] You might as well call me Warwick Davis

[16:44] for all the wars I've been fighting for you, Dad.

[16:46] And so, like, it really does kind of feel like a kick in the nuts

[16:50] that he's like, uh, I prefer son Weakie McTwo-born.

[16:55] Thanks for securing my kingdom, son.

[16:57] Now, if you'll excuse me, shuffle off stage left

[17:00] while I make little boy No-Man the king.

[17:03] Dirty-faced little turd.

[17:05] Why don't I make soft voice, soft hands the king?

[17:11] Look at those hands.

[17:13] Never done a day of work in his life.

[17:14] If he didn't clip his nails once, wouldn't matter.

[17:17] Everything's done for him.

[17:18] He was great in the castle production of Annie, though.

[17:21] As Annie and the dog.

[17:24] Was that Sandy?

[17:25] Now, thanks for putting down that peasant uprising

[17:28] and repelling the Mongol invasion,

[17:30] but the kid who's never even wiped his own tush

[17:33] is going to be running the country now.

[17:35] No, it looks like he's been wiping his face with that tush.

[17:37] There's so much wrong with that.

[17:42] His face is the thing that he's wiping.

[17:44] He's certainly not wiping his face, Dan.

[17:48] Stuart has established that his face is dirty

[17:50] in one scene later in the film.

[17:52] The unforgivable sin of a dirty face.

[17:58] Most honorable father,

[17:59] I understand that your favorite Peanuts character

[18:02] is Pig Ben, but come on.

[18:03] Let me wipe my face.

[18:07] Son, you're more of a Schroeder.

[18:09] You shall not gain the throne.

[18:11] Schroeder, the most warlike peanut character.

[18:13] Well, I guess Lucy, what, is the most warlike?

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:17] Lucy or maybe Peppermint Patty.

[18:20] That's homophobic.

[18:22] Anyway, Dan, let's continue.

[18:24] Yeah, Snoopy's the most, he's the Red Baron, right?

[18:26] No, Snoopy is not the Red Baron.

[18:27] He isn't the Red Baron?

[18:28] He's chasing after the Red Baron.

[18:29] Yeah, he's the World War I flying ace.

[18:31] He flies for the French or British, I assume.

[18:34] I was assuming it was the French, because he's always in France.

[18:36] Now did his.

[18:37] Doghouse had guns a long way to Tipperary.

[18:39] Oh, then he's British.

[18:41] Maybe he's Australian and he's brought to England.

[18:43] Did his...

[18:43] He flies a SOP with Camel.

[18:44] Yeah, did his doghouse have guns on it, or did he have to fire a revolver?

[18:50] I mean, I don't know that he ever fires anything.

[18:52] He just gets bullet holes in his doghouse.

[18:54] Yeah, he's not a...

[18:55] I mean, he calls himself a flying ace, but there's not really any textual evidence to the...

[18:59] It's a self-given title.

[19:01] Yeah.

[19:01] Now, do they do that whole flying ace thing as a response to, like, teens kind of falling out of touch with the peanuts?

[19:07] Like, the whole Bugs and Taz backward pants thing?

[19:11] There's nothing that teens love more than the tales of the First Great War.

[19:15] The First Great War.

[19:17] Kids at the time were really into trench warfare.

[19:23] And Sparky Schultz was like, hey, there was a lot going on in the skies, kids.

[19:27] Look up from your Chuck Taylors.

[19:29] There's a stop with camo flying around.

[19:32] Brush the floppy hair out of your eyes and look to the skies.

[19:35] Penis is a great comic.

[19:38] I know you love your grunge music, but maybe you're forgetting that Eddie Rickon Fovan, who was the American ace?

[19:46] I don't know.

[19:47] Oh, I don't know.

[19:48] Anyway, you were saying?

[19:48] I feel like rerun was more of an attempt to, like, zazz up the strip for the kids.

[19:52] Rerun from Good Times?

[19:54] Oh, no, that was What's Happening, wasn't it?

[19:56] No, Peanuts is such a great script, but, like, thinking back on it, that is one of the more inexplicable things that happens in it,

[20:04] is this dog has a fantasy

[20:06] that he's a flying ace in World War I

[20:08] and his doghouse gets shot up a lot.

[20:11] I have two ideas about it.

[20:12] One, Charles Schultz was curious,

[20:13] interested in World War I.

[20:14] Or two, he read Garfield

[20:15] and he was like,

[20:16] this cat loves lasagnas and hate Mondays.

[20:18] Oh, I should just give an animal

[20:20] a totally nonsensical, non-sequitur,

[20:22] out of nowhere characteristic

[20:23] then a dog can be a World War I pilot.

[20:26] The thing is, Garfield didn't start until 1978

[20:29] on my birthday, in fact.

[20:31] Then I doubt it was the latter.

[20:33] Didn't realize I was talking about R.C. Harvey over here.

[20:35] Anyway, so, happy birthday, by the way.

[20:40] Thanks.

[20:40] Garfield.

[20:41] Oh, wow.

[20:42] Let's get back to the movie.

[20:45] This is a moment of silence for Garfield?

[20:46] Yeah, who sadly passed.

[20:48] He would have been 100 this week.

[20:50] Garfield, we'll see you at the crossroads, buddy.

[20:52] I mean, Garfield is 37 years old.

[20:56] That's very old for a cat.

[20:58] The oldest cat in the world.

[21:00] I'd hate Mondays, too, dude.

[21:01] I don't know about that.

[21:03] What about, like, the Pink Panther?

[21:04] Sylvester?

[21:06] Crazy Cat?

[21:08] The Cheshire Cat?

[21:10] I'm talking about real-life cats.

[21:12] I'm comparing them to a real-life cat's lifespan.

[21:15] Anyway, Dan's musical, Real Life Cats, opens on Broadway soon.

[21:21] It's the first production of Cats where they're actually played by cats.

[21:26] Oh, wow.

[21:27] Yeah, now, going back to the...

[21:29] Memories of a thing that happened five seconds ago,

[21:32] And then not much before that.

[21:34] I think it would go more like this.

[21:35] My brain is too small.

[21:36] Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[21:37] Runs off stage.

[21:38] Mr. Mistoffelees has fallen asleep in the sunbeam.

[21:44] Don't wake him, it's adorable.

[21:46] Greatest show on Broadway, raves Cat Fancy Magazine.

[21:50] Yep, that's their brief on-stage segment that they never ran again.

[21:56] It's Taxi TV.

[22:00] It's Cat Fancy Taxi TV segment.

[22:02] Cat Dealey's Cat Fancy TV.

[22:03] I'm Cat Dealey for Cat Fancy.

[22:06] Alexander Wolcott raves, I'm dead.

[22:08] I didn't get to see this show.

[22:10] Don't ask me.

[22:11] So speaking of movies, the outcast.

[22:15] Now, so the prince, who Dan makes a very good point,

[22:19] has a much better claim to the throne.

[22:21] Why didn't they ever make a performance of cats

[22:24] with, like, Cat Williams and Cat Dennings and William Cat in it?

[22:27] There's still time.

[22:28] There's still time.

[22:30] It's super easy.

[22:31] Cat Stevens.

[22:31] Cat Spur, the friendly ghost.

[22:36] Is that some kind of cowboy feline, Cat Spur?

[22:40] Cat Spur, the western ghost.

[22:47] Catch me if you can.

[22:49] Is that a movie?

[22:51] A movie's going to star in a play.

[22:55] People have never seen it before.

[22:57] It's the eighth one.

[22:58] so the prince and the princess are on the run uh luckily they wander into a bar where no one

[23:08] seems to mind that the prince and princess that everyone's looking after have walked in uh and

[23:13] wearing the exact same outfits they're wearing their princely raiments same in the same clothes

[23:18] their faces aren't even dirty yet there's nothing about them to oh man disguise them uh they wander

[23:24] And the Black Guard, which is just the army that's loyal to the prince, shows up and tries to arrest them.

[23:31] But that's when someone steps in.

[23:35] That someone, Hayden Christensen, in the form of a floppy hat-wearing, drug-doing, dissolute former crusader.

[23:42] Through an opium fugue, he sees somebody's about to use his sword to kill somebody.

[23:47] He's an opium master fighter, you know, in the drunken master tradition.

[23:54] He is able to, through his haze, take down a shit ton of people.

[23:58] Yeah, it's similar to how Popeye does a shitload of spinach and gets all crazy.

[24:03] That's right, he snorts it.

[24:04] And then he murders 20 dudes.

[24:06] With his fists.

[24:08] Yeah, it's crazy.

[24:09] Murder ramp.

[24:10] He's got those forearms like hammers.

[24:12] And then he comes at him and goes, olive oil, what have I done?

[24:16] Not again.

[24:17] It's the worst Popeye I've ever done.

[24:19] Wake up with blood on my hands.

[24:24] gotta get out of here

[24:25] oh Popeye

[24:27] you don't tell anyone about this

[24:30] now

[24:31] did Popeye get that tattoo before

[24:34] he got that tattoo before they were legal right

[24:36] what

[24:37] tattoos were never illegal

[24:40] they were totally illegal in New York for a long time

[24:42] what

[24:43] I mean tattoo parlors I think were

[24:45] maybe not allowed

[24:46] but it wasn't like if you had a tattoo the police would be like

[24:49] round him up throw him in the hoose skull

[24:51] i'm part of the old irish police force i thought you were gonna ask did popeye get that tattoo

[24:58] before he was a sailor like it was aspirational like oh you know someday his arm is really swollen

[25:05] from the tattoo why do you have those anchors on your arms these are fish hooks i'm a fisherman

[25:09] they represent that i worship dagon the god of the sea i'm not a sailor anyway so uh he has

[25:20] exchanged his sword for food and then the owner of the tavern hands the sword over to the leader

[25:25] of the black guard really hayden christensen no longer has claim on that sword it has changed

[25:30] owners but instead he uses it to kill a bunch of guys and then also throws a spear through a guy's

[25:36] head into a pillar which is great he leaves not paying for his food somewhere in this scene we

[25:42] figure out that there's also a mysterious figure known as the white ghost yes right um but it's

[25:48] The white ghost, who is not Hayden Christensen?

[25:51] No.

[25:52] Okay.

[25:52] But we know he's a white guy who's maybe a ghost.

[25:55] His name, Catspur.

[25:56] Now, Hayden Christensen, the prince and princess beg him to help them,

[26:01] and he's like, you know, he's a loser, and he leaves.

[26:06] But he still fights amazingly.

[26:08] And he's really good with using objects that are right next to him

[26:12] to fight people with.

[26:14] It's almost like they shouldn't fight him inside the eating establishment.

[26:19] Like, they should just wait for him to come outside and fight him so he can't, like, hit them with bottles and...

[26:25] Benches.

[26:26] It's like they trapped him in a battling warehouse.

[26:29] It's like how every single martial arts movie, as soon as the characters go into a fish market, you're like, oh, fuck.

[26:35] Those poor fishmongers are going to lose a day's business at least.

[26:41] Although, hopefully...

[26:43] Get a fish in the face.

[26:44] Hopefully some of the assembled crowd who are watching the fight are going to get hungry watching the battle and buy a bunch of fish.

[26:50] Just take a bite out of a raw fish.

[26:52] Yeah, or maybe afterwards they'll be like, I'd like to purchase that fish that that man was clubbed with.

[26:57] Sell it on eBay.

[27:01] There's a thriving fish market on eBay.

[27:04] Now we should mention that monk that earlier that we said knows Kung Fu, we were not being racist.

[27:11] He totally kung-fus a bunch of guys, including a big fat guy with a beard and a mace that Stuart fell in love with.

[27:17] And unfortunately, Stuart was in the bathroom during the only fight scene where he really got to use the mace.

[27:21] Yeah.

[27:22] That was later in the film.

[27:23] So that monk is gone.

[27:24] It's a peek behind the curtain.

[27:25] The prince and the princess.

[27:26] Into the bathroom where I was sitting, missing the movie.

[27:28] Because Dan's bathroom doesn't have a door.

[27:30] It's just a curtain.

[27:31] I know.

[27:31] Very awkward.

[27:32] It's just a leather flap.

[27:34] It's a clear plastic shower curtain.

[27:37] So you can still see the prince on the toilet.

[27:39] I could have seen the movie, but I had my hands over my eyes because I get scared in the bathroom because none of my friends are with me.

[27:45] Such a specific bathroom fear need.

[27:51] So they go, they eventually convince Hayden Christensen that he should join them.

[27:58] But I don't remember how they do it.

[28:01] They just kind of shame him into doing it.

[28:03] Do they offer him a reward?

[28:06] Yeah, I think it's more that they see that Hagen-Christensen sees that they're in trouble.

[28:11] So they ride off in one direction.

[28:13] He rides off in a different direction, splashes water in his face, and then he imagines the violence, and then he goes back.

[28:19] Yeah.

[28:20] He goes back to them, and then they have a weird exchange, and then they find a village that's burning.

[28:25] There's a village that's being burned, and one little girl is left alive and is being kidnapped by a member of the Blackguard.

[28:32] Useless make no good at things.

[28:36] And do you think at that point they're like, oh no, that member of the Blackguard's probably going to kidnap that girl.

[28:40] And I don't know, she probably doesn't have a family anymore.

[28:42] He might just raise her to be his own.

[28:44] And she'll become a member of the Blackguard.

[28:46] I don't think that's how it's going to happen.

[28:48] Perpetuating a cycle of Blackguard creation.

[28:49] I don't think that's how it's going to happen.

[28:50] And so they go to this village and everyone's dead.

[28:58] The Blackguard is taking that girl.

[29:00] The kid who couldn't shoot straight tries to shoot a bow and arrow at the escaping marauder.

[29:04] This is the prince.

[29:05] The prince.

[29:06] at the escaping marauder, and fails.

[29:08] And Hayden Christensen takes that arrow

[29:10] and makes an insane shot.

[29:11] Makes arrowade out of it.

[29:13] Yeah, he pulls a real Legolas.

[29:19] Yeah.

[29:19] And totally snipes this chump.

[29:21] That was the name of the,

[29:22] that's the annual competition that they have in Scotland

[29:25] for the best girl Lego builder, Legolas.

[29:28] Also one of the worst Legion of Superheroes characters.

[29:32] That is a rough joke.

[29:34] Well, I had to pull us out of this Tolkien tailspin that you were bringing us into.

[29:37] Tolkien tailspin.

[29:39] Yeah, Baloo the bear is teamed up with Gimli.

[29:42] Oh, man.

[29:45] They're trying to...

[29:46] Oh, man.

[29:47] I guess...

[29:48] Is Gadget Matt or is that Rescue Rangers?

[29:50] That was Rescue Rangers, but there was that Bobcat Goldthwait-type lion.

[29:54] Do not Google Gadget Rescue Rangers image search, because it gets fucking gross.

[29:59] Just her having sex with that fly.

[30:02] A lot of people's sexualities get submitted at a certain point in their lives, is all I'm saying.

[30:08] The Disney Afternoon has a lot of questions to answer for.

[30:11] Weirdly enough, gummy bears?

[30:14] Not popular among the fetish artists or anyone else.

[30:17] Yeah, I mean, I think that the gummy bears were all sort of shaped like actual gummy bears was the thing.

[30:24] I'm kind of into that, though.

[30:26] Yeah, Stuart has a gummy bear fetish.

[30:29] Very zoftig.

[30:32] Clear?

[30:32] Sure.

[30:33] I like somebody that is

[30:37] pretty transparent in their actions.

[30:38] And gummy.

[30:40] I like someone really sticky.

[30:42] You're just

[30:47] writing my Tinder profile right now, Dave.

[30:49] It's stuck

[30:51] in my hair, maybe?

[30:51] What are you doing with your gummy pants?

[30:54] So it's that or chewing gum or peanut butter?

[30:57] I need to get that out.

[30:59] Now, they – so he makes this amazing shot and saves the girl.

[31:04] That girl might as well – joins them, joins their merry crew.

[31:07] Throws up to be.

[31:07] Tipper Gore.

[31:10] And now you know the rest of the story.

[31:13] So you can thank Hayden Christensen for saving the woman who would put parental advisory labels on CDs.

[31:20] So she joins their noble gang, and she might as well not.

[31:27] Like, she is not a character in the film.

[31:29] She is just a background nobody who does not figure into any of the scenes.

[31:33] What, are you megging her?

[31:34] I know.

[31:35] She's a fictional character.

[31:37] It's not her fault.

[31:37] She's not going to go out with you.

[31:38] This is the fault of the screenwriter or director.

[31:40] They didn't cut this character completely.

[31:42] There's no reason for them to be in there.

[31:43] There's no, like you would expect at least a friendship to be formed between the prince and her.

[31:48] Maybe a romance.

[31:49] Either that or just like an opportunity for him to see the life of somebody less fortunate in his kingdom to be.

[31:55] And they talk about that for like two seconds, yeah.

[31:58] But then she just, she might as well disappear.

[32:00] She might as well disappear even though she's in the background.

[32:01] It is the film acting equivalent of like a mafia no-show construction job.

[32:06] Where she might as well just be sitting on a lawn chair in the background through all the scenes.

[32:11] But they keep moving.

[32:13] They go from point to point.

[32:15] They narrowly escape being drugged by a bevy of busty ladies.

[32:19] Yeah.

[32:20] That's when things got exciting.

[32:22] Very briefly, there was a very cleavage-y lady.

[32:24] And then she disappeared from the film.

[32:27] Because why couldn't she become a character that tags along as opposed to this nobody girl who does nothing?

[32:32] That was in the multi-ethnic brothel where they try to trap everybody.

[32:37] Yeah, they try to drug Hayden Christ.

[32:39] They tie Hayden Christensen's wrist and he escapes by setting his bonds on fire.

[32:45] It's like a one-step solution there.

[32:49] He hasn't thought to the second step, which is fire wrists.

[32:52] But luckily the movie doesn't either because immediately he's like, he's free, he's got a sword.

[32:56] Everyone's going to get killed.

[32:58] Outside his room, and he escapes.

[32:59] These were the scenes when the prince's face was dirty.

[33:03] Yeah.

[33:05] They wandered through a desert.

[33:07] I remember those scenes.

[33:08] And Aiden Christensen ties a scarf around his face.

[33:11] And the prince and princess, who again, are being searched for everywhere in the country by this elite squad of Blackguard soldiers, do not cover their faces.

[33:22] They do nothing to hide their identity.

[33:24] They're still wearing the same clothes they were wearing when they escaped from the evil prince.

[33:29] Like, it is, they, it's like.

[33:31] They don't even clean their faces off.

[33:33] They don't even clean their faces off their heads, so they're unrecognizable.

[33:37] Are you taking money from dove soap that we don't know about?

[33:40] What's going on?

[33:41] Yeah, yeah, moist, oh, doves, moist towelettes.

[33:43] And Stuart just looks in the microphone and goes,

[33:46] by the way, this is the episode of Flophouse brought to you by Clearasil, clear skin, Clearasil.

[33:51] Do you know, a lot of dust and dirt clogs your pores.

[33:54] That's where zits come from.

[33:55] Clearasil.

[33:56] You know, acne really killed my love life for a while

[34:01] until I cleared my face up with a little bit of Clearasil.

[34:04] Clearasil explains it all.

[34:05] Now, continuing on.

[34:07] I was going to be the heir to a popular, I guess, questionably aged throne.

[34:16] It sounds like very cheap wine, questionably aged.

[34:21] I was the heir to this throne and, you know...

[34:25] Francis Forge Coppola is questionably aged.

[34:28] All this dirt on my face is really preventing me from achieving my potential.

[34:30] We sell no wine before it's time, or maybe we do.

[34:33] Is it a week old?

[34:34] Is it 12 years old?

[34:35] You don't know.

[34:36] We took the label off the barrel.

[34:38] So, Stuart, you were saying?

[34:40] I don't remember.

[34:41] You're doing that Princess Clear Silla.

[34:43] I got distracted.

[34:43] Yeah, he was playing Rebecca Gayheart there for a second.

[34:46] Doing a Clear Silla.

[34:49] Lost me.

[34:49] Anyway...

[34:50] Oh, wait, she was Noxzema.

[34:51] Never mind.

[34:52] I forgot which minor 90s starlet did which type of face cleaning thing.

[34:59] Yeah, explain it to me all, Clarissa.

[35:01] Let's go.

[35:02] Where?

[35:04] Out of this podcast.

[35:05] All right, goodbye, everybody.

[35:07] Let's fly away.

[35:08] Fly on by to a magical land far away from Outcast.

[35:16] That's a theme from the movie.

[35:20] There's that karaoke scene.

[35:22] Nominated for an Academy Award.

[35:23] Now, let's move on.

[35:25] John Williams.

[35:26] Let's move.

[35:27] Not that John Williams, though.

[35:28] No.

[35:28] It's spelled like Martian Manhunter John.

[35:31] Yeah, yeah.

[35:31] J-O-N-N.

[35:32] Yeah.

[35:33] With an apostrophe.

[35:34] On.

[35:37] The only thing he doesn't, the Martian Manhunter doesn't worry.

[35:40] He says like, and then acts like it flew in the air and then lands like, on.

[35:45] Jones.

[35:48] Now, let's skip ahead to the best part of the movie, because why are we wasting our time with this stuff?

[35:53] They escape, there's a fight, Hayden Christensen has another fight with a bunch of bad guys, they stick a sword in his chest.

[35:59] He says, get thee, get thee to the Silver Mountain Bandits, post haste.

[36:05] It seems they're heading for the Silver Mountain where there are some anti-government bandits they hope to fall in with.

[36:10] And now my hope for a long time was that they would be led by Rufio from Hook.

[36:14] That did not happen.

[36:15] But we do get a fight, a very House of Flying Daggers fight scene in the woods where the Black Guardsmen are totally destroyed by these bandits.

[36:23] And we eventually learn.

[36:25] Or it's a little Return of the Jedi.

[36:27] It's a little like they're the Ewoks.

[36:28] Yeah, yeah.

[36:29] And the bandits are luckily, they're a force-based insurgent force.

[36:33] I mean, that's Robin Hood, too.

[36:35] Yeah, sure.

[36:35] Robin Hood kind of.

[36:36] Robin Hood, too.

[36:37] Yeah, Robin Hood, too.

[36:38] Robin again.

[36:39] Back in the hood.

[36:44] He's there with a leprechaun

[36:47] Leprechaun in the hood really sounds different

[36:49] When it's Robin Hood

[36:50] So is the leprechaun having sex with Robin Hood?

[36:53] What is happening in this movie?

[36:56] It's called Leprechaun in the Hood

[36:57] Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense

[36:59] Is he just wearing a hood?

[37:02] He's inserted his entire self into Robin Hood

[37:05] Hey, in Leprechaun in Space

[37:06] He jumps into a guy's penis

[37:08] What?

[37:09] You should see the movie

[37:11] Literally or figuratively, Elliot?

[37:13] Literally

[37:13] are you sure you don't mean figuratively i'm very sure i mean literally what would

[37:19] figuratively mean it's like vince vaughn in the movie swingers

[37:23] quit jumping into my penis dude i didn't ask for a catheter quit jumping into my penis

[37:32] i guess that's like cock blocking i guess yeah what are you doing my penis cock filling

[37:38] That's right, yeah.

[37:40] Now, anyway, moving on.

[37:43] There's one moment in the forest fight.

[37:44] There's this forest fight where the Silver Mountain Bandits...

[37:47] Which Stuart and I decided were also kind of a country-western, southern rock fusion band.

[37:53] Yeah, so the Silver Mountain Bandits, led by Dusty Bandit.

[37:56] Luckily, so they ambush the Blackguard, and luckily, they confuse everybody, including the viewer, by wearing all black.

[38:03] So you have no idea who's a goodie or who's a baddie.

[38:05] Everyone looks the same because they're all wearing black with black masks.

[38:09] There is one great moment where a guy gets a rope tied around him and he's lifted up in a tree and then two arrows fly at him from different directions.

[38:15] And it's like, how many people are dedicated to fighting this one guy?

[38:19] But the heroes are taken in.

[38:22] They're all beaten up and bruised.

[38:23] And Hayden Christensen had a sword put in his chest, which did not kill him because he's stronger than the king.

[38:28] And it is revealed to us who is the king of the Silver Mountain Bandits.

[38:33] Who is the white ghost themselves?

[38:35] I have no idea.

[38:36] I'm on the edge of my seat.

[38:37] What could be the only thing that might save a scene in the movie?

[38:40] Nicolas Cage is back.

[38:42] Is he missing an eye?

[38:43] Yes.

[38:44] Does he have snakes wrapped around each of his hands?

[38:46] Yes.

[38:47] Has his English accent gotten worse since the beginning of the movie?

[38:50] Oh, yes, by far.

[38:52] He's like, at this point, he is just like if Bluto was pretending to be a gentleman to woo olive oil.

[38:57] I mean, like, his accent has three flavors, which is normal Nicolas Cage, British, and sort of Scottish, but they're all, like, through, like, a bear growl.

[39:12] Yeah, I would throw pirate in there, too.

[39:13] No, it's all filtered through bear pirate.

[39:17] And his costuming is not too far from what it feels like.

[39:22] He just read a lot of Mike Mignola Hellboy comics.

[39:24] And he's like, I want to look like Rasputin with these tentacles for hands.

[39:28] I'm going to be holding onto snakes in all these scenes, please.

[39:31] And I'm going to have like my hair swept back in kind of a ponytail like Hellboy.

[39:34] And I'm going to have a big scar on my eye.

[39:38] I do not want an eye patch.

[39:39] I want to show the world that I can act like a guy who has one eye squinted the whole time.

[39:43] Like Popeye.

[39:46] all roads lead to popeye popeye town that is the central town now uh that the eye makeup also is

[39:54] very cheap and poorly done and it looks a little bit like they they had two options either a store

[40:01] bought halloween scar piece of makeup or the makeup woman could just take her lipstick and

[40:07] draw a red slash over his eye so they were like you know what the halloween makeup doesn't look

[40:11] great so we'll just do that but he manages to bring a level of cartoonish to his performance

[40:17] that at least makes it fun when he's not there's a part where he is he's he was the one it turns

[40:21] out who taught hayden christiansen had a fight as a boy now hayden christiansen is trying to teach

[40:26] the prince how to use a bow and arrow and nicholas cage is just drinking out of cycle of violence

[40:31] continues nicholas cage is just drinking out of like a like a canteen full of whiskey watching

[40:36] this just talking like he is the sea captain from tin tin like he's such like a like a like a

[40:43] laughing bruiser but uh he's alas not long for this world as the black guard catches up to the

[40:52] silver mountain bandits in their hidden mountain caves uh there's a big fight nicholas cage goes

[40:57] out and fights a bunch of guys there's so there's an army of about 50 people let's say 10 of the

[41:05] guys fight nicholas cage and he kills most of them while the other 40 just stand and watch

[41:09] and uh it's a very weird moment where you're like why are not all these soldiers trying to help

[41:14] because do they not notice that he's killing a bunch of their men yeah you think the other

[41:18] soldiers would be like i'm gonna have some explaining to do to that guy's wife i mean so

[41:24] you wait you just stood there and watched it was kind of the rules of the battle that uh we just

[41:29] take our turns with him he looked really tough this movie loves single combat until a scene

[41:36] needs to end in which case that's when all the soldiers rush a person yeah but like 10 guys

[41:41] will just come one after another up to a master fighter the master fighter takes them down and

[41:45] then the rest of the grunts are like well movie's got to get moving so let's all just rush him and

[41:50] hit him with our swords like we should have done at the beginning yeah i mean and this is like a

[41:54] trope obviously that's like been made fun of from like kung fu movies for a long time like

[41:59] we're all just gonna fight them one at a time but for some reason it feels even more egregious when

[42:03] the people standing around like have swords and shields and armor like i would say it's not as

[42:09] bad as like the blade movies where uh blade is fighting all these presumably immortal bad guys

[42:16] who are all also former stuntmen who one at a time run at him and he's like dead dead dust ash

[42:24] you're like man they're immortal you'd think they would try and organize it or just run away and

[42:29] just outlive blade but i guess not the uh they steven dorf tells him go kill blade and they're

[42:36] like fuck it okay yeah of course dorf doesn't help him dorf just goes fishing or he plays golf

[42:41] yeah yeah now a lot of hobbies just the two just the two for him uh he's enjoying his retirement

[42:51] He had a long life as a very short businessman, I assume?

[42:56] I don't know.

[42:56] Yeah, I would imagine he was like a traveling salesman.

[42:59] Maybe he was an accountant or a clerk or something like that?

[43:03] Yeah, not a high-profile job, but yeah.

[43:05] No, he wasn't president.

[43:07] I mean, he's got a good pension, whatever it is.

[43:09] Yeah, he wasn't an ice dancer.

[43:11] He never starred in a Bond film.

[43:18] Sure.

[43:20] Now, the double o'dorf, it's right there.

[43:22] Tim Conway, call me up.

[43:23] We'll make this together.

[43:24] I mean, he's certainly going to play,

[43:25] if they made a movie adaptation of the video game Goldeneye,

[43:29] he could easily play the odd job character.

[43:31] Only chosen by jerks.

[43:34] Because he's much shorter than everyone else.

[43:36] He said the odd job character as if odd job was a type

[43:39] and not a specific character.

[43:40] Now, Dan.

[43:43] I like remembering a simpler era in comedy

[43:46] where a comedic character could just have one thing about them

[43:50] and that's that they're short.

[43:51] Like, oh, it's funny, because this guy is short.

[43:54] Speaking as a short guy,

[43:55] I'm kind of glad we're past that sort of bigotry.

[43:58] Well, if you just stood up, Elliot.

[44:01] Well, you don't like bigotry, of course, because it's big.

[44:03] Yeah, exactly, Dan.

[44:04] Maybe if you would check your big person privilege.

[44:07] If only you just stood up

[44:09] instead of walking around on your knees all the time, Elliot.

[44:11] It's my religion, Stuart.

[44:13] I'm a short guy.

[44:14] I walk on my knees.

[44:16] Do you know how hard it is on my knees?

[44:18] It hurts a lot.

[44:19] But that's the price I pay to worship my god, Dwarf.

[44:23] And yay, verily, did he go fishing.

[44:26] Now, Dan, here's the thing I'll say about the kung fu thing where it's one person attacking at a time.

[44:32] When it's a kung fu movie, I totally buy it because they each want to show their skill.

[44:36] And it's an honor.

[44:38] They get a certain amount of glory by being the one who took down this guy.

[44:41] And they all want their chance at that glory.

[44:43] But, yeah, this is a bunch of dudes with swords just standing around.

[44:45] Like, they're soldiers.

[44:46] Yeah, they're an army.

[44:47] Yeah, of one.

[44:49] At a time.

[44:50] But finally, now I thought Nicolas Cage was doing this to buy time for Hayden Christensen and the prince and princess to escape.

[44:57] Turns out they were just hanging around in the cave waiting for him to die.

[45:01] Just looking around at shit.

[45:03] And they walk outside.

[45:04] Looks like things are going to go bad.

[45:07] Until the prince, who has named himself king, and declared that...

[45:12] So the prince who killed the king, he framed his young brother, and that's why his brother's on the run.

[45:17] now the prince decides you know what i could have them arrested or killed right now but why don't i

[45:24] show that i'm the best by going into single combat yeah and we've learned that this dude is fucking

[45:29] ripped he is molded like he looks amazing he's like yo i'm gonna do a die hard 2 training scene

[45:39] where i'm like almost naked and battling like he's just not wearing a shirt he's wearing pants

[45:44] the whole time.

[45:44] I mean, that's 50%, Elliot.

[45:46] I think that counts as almost.

[45:48] Whenever I'm not wearing pants,

[45:51] I think to myself,

[45:52] I'm 50% naked right now.

[45:54] Wait, so you're wearing a shirt

[45:55] but no pants?

[45:55] That's right, I'm Porky Piggy.

[45:57] Yeah, that was the original title

[46:01] for the Winnie the Pooh books.

[46:03] 50% naked.

[46:05] That's what they're called in Japan.

[46:10] 50% naked bear.

[46:14] And friends.

[46:14] And naked friends.

[46:17] Really?

[46:18] And young boy.

[46:19] Except for whatever the hell that thing is that Piglet's wearing.

[46:22] Everybody's naked in that book except for Pooh.

[46:24] Yeah, it's true.

[46:25] Yeah, Piglet's, yeah, it's 50% naked pig, small pig, and bare friend.

[46:31] Rated R.

[46:33] For nudity, clearly.

[46:35] Dan, how many kids do you think went into Winnie the Pooh books and just drew penises flopping out?

[46:41] Was I the only one?

[46:44] yes all right what about your mother and i've been meaning to talk to you about carl bark's

[46:48] duck comics oh i mean you know that's natural that's yeah i mean he's a very wealthy duck of

[46:54] course he's got a penis no of course he's got a penis because he's a wealthy duck only the richest

[47:02] of ducks can afford them the maintenance alone costs into the i don't know duck coins what kind

[47:09] of money they use yeah they use bitcoin they use bitcoin number one dimes number one uh there wasn't

[47:17] a i wonder if someone would find this a listener there was an old science fiction story that i

[47:20] think was an asimov's in an issue that about a person who had in the future who had to you had

[47:26] to earn a certain amount of money to earn a penis that it was a it was a women-dominated world and

[47:30] the men were all kind of like worker drones who had to earn enough money to buy a penis well

[47:35] somebody find that anyway that so the prince who's now the king decides i'm gonna do single

[47:40] combat with hayden christensen and he wins for a while and the audience is like yes the audience

[47:46] is like kill anakin just wait for him to jump at you and chop off his arms and anakin's like

[47:52] from my point of view you're the bad guy and and hayden christensen is thrown off because he doesn't

[47:59] know how to fight in a world without floating platforms over lava yeah but he ends up winning

[48:03] And he's a little distracting because earlier in the movie, he was in a scene with Sand, his greatest enemy, because it gets in his butt.

[48:09] I don't think that's the line.

[48:11] Is that the line in episode two?

[48:13] I hate Sand.

[48:14] It gets in my butt.

[48:15] Not like you.

[48:16] You don't get my butt.

[48:17] Unless I let you.

[48:19] Unless you're into that, in which case we could talk about it.

[48:22] Whatever.

[48:22] As long as we're safe with each other, I think we can really push our boundaries in the bedroom.

[48:27] Two consenting adults.

[48:29] And she's like, why don't you ride around in one of those weird tick cow things?

[48:34] Yeah, then we'll talk about the butt.

[48:35] Later.

[48:37] I don't think we're there yet, Anakin.

[48:40] Annie.

[48:41] I'm just saying we could role play and I could be a submissive in it.

[48:47] Yeah, we'll just see what happens.

[48:48] She's like, okay, well, I'm definitely going to be a Gamorrean.

[48:51] That's her thing.

[48:54] Let me play a bedroom game called The Rancor and His Keeper.

[48:59] Yummy, yummy, I'm a rancor.

[49:03] Oh, I'm falling into the pit.

[49:08] I hope this rancor doesn't take advantage of me.

[49:11] Yummy, yummy, I'm going to pick you up now.

[49:13] The weird thing is the rancor is the submissive one in that relationship.

[49:16] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[49:18] Because when you're that powerful, the real fantasy is to not be in the seat of power.

[49:23] Oh, no kidding.

[49:24] Your real fantasy is to be at the mercy of someone else, to have that responsibility taken off their shoulders.

[49:29] Yeah, exactly.

[49:30] It's kind of like that movie Face Off, where the one guy takes his face off and he puts on the other guy's face.

[49:36] It's nothing like that.

[49:37] It's in no way like that.

[49:39] Yeah, he wanted to give up control.

[49:40] Yeah, it's a lot like that movie, The Adventures of Milo and Otis, where Milo and Otis have an adventure.

[49:45] They take off each other's faces in that?

[49:47] Yeah.

[49:48] That was a scene that was cut from the initial.

[49:51] The sexual adventures of Milo and Otis.

[49:53] The Erotic Adventures of Milo and Otis.

[49:55] Featuring Milo, Otis, and Sylvia Crystal.

[49:59] Milo Minara, maybe.

[50:01] Hey-o!

[50:02] Italian porn comics joke.

[50:04] Now, so they have this single combat fight.

[50:08] Nicolas Cage wins.

[50:10] And at the last minute, so throughout the whole movie,

[50:13] there's been this running character of this one Blackguard member

[50:16] who thinks something's kind of fishy with the prince,

[50:19] and he just stands in the background of all the scenes

[50:22] and just has a concerned look on his face.

[50:24] Through the entire final fighting,

[50:26] he just has this concerned look on his face.

[50:29] And then, finally, he makes his move,

[50:32] which is to tell the archers

[50:33] not to help the prince in his fight.

[50:35] And then, when the prince is dead,

[50:37] he just says, like, uh...

[50:38] This is after the prince kills the princess,

[50:40] who was steadily developing

[50:43] kind of a love interest in Hayden Christensen.

[50:46] We thought he killed the princess,

[50:47] but then she seems to be at the end of the movie again.

[50:49] Oh, really? I was...

[50:51] I couldn't tell...

[50:52] I thought the movie ended when he built the cairn of stones for Nicolas Cage.

[50:57] Yeah, and his wife, but not for the princess, who's still alive.

[51:00] The princess is there?

[51:01] Yeah.

[51:01] But she got stabbed in the tummy.

[51:03] That's like a death sentence.

[51:04] Like Hayden Christensen also got totally stabbed.

[51:07] I mean, Hayden Christensen got stabbed so many times in this movie.

[51:10] He's like a pincushion.

[51:12] He's like a reverse porcupine.

[51:13] He's just getting stabbed like crazy.

[51:15] He's like a regular St. Valentine.

[51:17] Reverse porcupine in it.

[51:18] Yeah.

[51:20] And so by the end of it, order has been restored, and the army bows to the will of this 14-year-old good-for-nothing who's just been running around going, ha, ha, ha, save me, protector.

[51:32] Pay no mind to the dirt on my face, for I am the Prince Regent.

[51:38] Oh, this is just some ragamuffin, some street Arab.

[51:41] Well, how can we listen to his comments?

[51:43] A washcloth, if you please.

[51:45] Kill him now.

[51:46] Before I die, might I ask for one final favor?

[51:49] A wet washcloth?

[51:51] Well, we're going to sacrifice him for his temerity anyway.

[51:54] Luckily, I carry these because I'm a guard in the prince's blackguard.

[51:58] As a lover of barbecue, I carry my own wet naps.

[52:02] Now observe my de-smudgeoning.

[52:04] It is the prince.

[52:06] Oh, will you ever forgive me, sir?

[52:08] Take my life as payment for my misdeeds.

[52:11] And everything is right in the world.

[52:15] And Hayden Christensen goes off again to continue his warrior's pilgrimage to ease his soul.

[52:21] The end.

[52:23] Yeah, I think we can go through Final Judgment.

[52:25] Is there, like, a to-be-continued?

[52:28] No.

[52:28] No, thankfully.

[52:29] So, who's the outcast in the movie, outcast?

[52:32] Hayden Christensen, I'd guess, but nobody casts him out.

[52:35] He kind of chooses self-exile.

[52:37] Maybe Nicolas Cage is the outcast?

[52:39] From, I mean, from Western civilization.

[52:43] I guess that makes sense, but they really don't point that out at any point.

[52:46] He's tired of all the killing, man.

[52:47] But he keeps killing people.

[52:50] Yeah, but that's just what he's so good at.

[52:52] At no point is it a question that he's going to stop killing people.

[52:55] Look, some men are just built for killing.

[52:57] I mean, the fact that he still carries his sword around is kind of suspicious.

[53:01] And if they call an outcast, I would think at some point he would say something about how he left behind Western civilization.

[53:07] I think it's just kind of implied.

[53:11] I mean, they never really explained why he chose the Far East to go to.

[53:14] I guess he just, it was the place he could walk to from the Middle East.

[53:18] I guess.

[53:19] He can't walk to England from there unless he had some kind of water shoes.

[53:23] Water shoes down.

[53:29] Swarm, swarm.

[53:30] So, Dan, are we doing final judgments now?

[53:32] That was what I was trying to do.

[53:34] Final judgments.

[53:37] A bad, bad movie, or a movie kind of like three options.

[53:42] Only one can survive.

[53:44] Three options enter, one option leaves.

[53:46] I'm not going to talk at length.

[53:47] I'm just going to say this movie was really boring.

[53:50] Bad, bad.

[53:52] It was bad, bad.

[53:53] It was boring and cheap-looking,

[53:55] and not even a few minutes of Nicolas Cage

[53:58] doing the broadest, worst English accent

[54:00] this side of Stuart's Daniel Craig impression

[54:03] could save the film.

[54:04] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[54:05] That's the exact opposite of my day-to-day pregnant impression.

[54:08] Not what I would say.

[54:09] Yeah, I'd say it's bad, bad.

[54:11] Pretty early on, I was like,

[54:12] if only Hayden Christensen got swapped out

[54:15] with Guy Pearce from Space Jail.

[54:17] But that didn't actually happen.

[54:19] So if you can find a YouTube compilation

[54:23] of Nicolas Cage in this movie

[54:25] and you just spend five minutes watching that,

[54:27] that might be worthwhile.

[54:28] That's the way you pitch a lot of movies, though.

[54:31] If you only watch the good parts,

[54:35] It's a good movie.

[54:35] No, that's the way I pitch movies.

[54:38] All right.

[54:39] I'm the head of MGMUA.

[54:41] What's your movie pitch?

[54:43] All right.

[54:43] I'm going to make a terrible movie, but it's just going to be boring.

[54:47] It's not going to have anything interesting about it.

[54:49] It's just going to be boring, except there's going to be seven minutes of it that are totally zany.

[54:54] Seven minutes.

[54:55] That's perfect for YouTube.

[54:56] That's literally the tail wagging the dog.

[54:58] We've been looking for ways to go virile.

[55:01] So I'm going to make this whole movie, and then we're just going to release it and let someone else cut it down and put it on YouTube.

[55:07] And we're not going to make any money off of that YouTube clip.

[55:10] Oh, thank goodness.

[55:11] And that's my movie, guys.

[55:12] What do you say?

[55:13] How much does a movie cost, Elliot?

[55:16] Like $100?

[55:17] Here's $100.

[55:18] Thanks.

[55:20] Now see you in hell.

[55:22] Bang, bang, bang, bang.

[55:23] Go over and take that $100 bill back.

[55:25] And that's how the Silver Mountain Bandits got their start.

[55:31] now now now i would go along with this bad bad rating it was super boring it was super dull

[55:38] uh which is a synonym for boring i guess there's call me super boring as long as i'm super you had

[55:43] a character who is still looking at me huh you don't call me late for dinner it was a movie that

[55:51] seemed to be super boring just don't call me late for dinner why would i call you that unless you

[56:00] are the power to be called that or not is in your hands don't be late for dinner dinner is at a set

[56:07] time be there at that time and i won't call you that just don't ever call me that i i don't want

[56:14] to i don't have a reason to it's part of the leprechaun's curse even if you were late for

[56:18] dinner why would i call attention to it more food for me that's all i'm thinking why would i ruin a

[56:26] good thing and it's just gonna eat up minutes on your phone plan to call me say late for dinner

[56:32] hey is that you late for dinner and then hang up i hate that i mean text but i've only got a limited

[56:38] number of texts for missing the upside we get to call them super boring as much as we want okay

[56:43] super boring uh it was like the movie was judy bloom tales of a fourth grade boring it was like

[56:50] Like the movie was devoted to avoiding any sort of sense of humor or liveliness or fun and wanted to be as stale as it could be, which is too bad because, again, Nicolas Cage, bad English accent.

[57:02] If they had just been like, yeah, this is in a fantasy world and include one scene with a character doing magic, I'd have been like, great, perfect.

[57:10] I listen to Bullseye because no show does a better job of showcasing the best creators we have today.

[57:20] It's like the line, I know it's on a favorite album, but for everything in culture.

[57:25] It makes me happy to hear music I've never heard before.

[57:28] Voices I've never thought to listen to.

[57:30] And culture recommendations that are outside my comfort zone.

[57:33] That's why I listen to Bullseye.

[57:35] You should too.

[57:36] Bullseye is your guide to what's good.

[57:38] From MaximumFun.org and NPR.

[57:41] So that was all of our final judgments, Dan.

[57:45] Is this when we wrap up the podcast and go to bed?

[57:47] Good night, everybody.

[57:48] Now to go to sleep in the bed we all share together.

[57:51] Scoot over.

[57:53] I call dibs on the middle.

[57:55] I call dibs on the one pillow.

[57:58] Wanted to take a moment to plug the second Bell House live show

[58:06] that we've added to the roster.

[58:08] Now why did we add this second show, Dan?

[58:10] Because the first one sold out in five days.

[58:12] Oh, thanks to you guys.

[58:13] Thanks to the listeners and the buyers.

[58:15] Thanks, everybody.

[58:16] I sincerely hope, now that I'm plugging this,

[58:18] that the second show hasn't sold out

[58:20] in between the recording and the posting of this.

[58:23] Although I actually would not mind that that much.

[58:24] That would be so bad, yeah.

[58:26] In the grand scheme of things.

[58:28] Like having to watch Outcast again

[58:31] or Selling Out before this thing airs.

[58:34] I'd pick, I'd not watch Outcast again.

[58:37] I'm going to put Dan on the spot right now, Elliot,

[58:40] and have him announce what movies we're going to watch on Friday

[58:44] and what movie we're going to watch on Saturday.

[58:45] Oh.

[58:46] I'm going to arbitrarily say

[58:50] we have two movies under...

[58:52] You're going to flip a mind coin.

[58:53] We've got two movies under consideration.

[58:55] You heard it here first, folks.

[58:56] Unless we told you another time.

[58:59] And the only question was which movie we're going to watch

[59:01] which night. I'm going to arbitrarily

[59:03] say that we're going to watch

[59:05] and discuss

[59:06] the Entourage movie on

[59:09] Friday and Fantastic

[59:11] Four on Saturday. Oh, man.

[59:13] The Roger Corman Fantastic Four.

[59:15] No, the new one.

[59:16] Oh, the new one.

[59:17] The Fantastic Four movie with Jessica Alba as an invisible woman.

[59:21] No, the new, new one.

[59:21] The one where the silver server rises all over your face.

[59:24] Oh, boy.

[59:27] No, the one with Whiplash in it.

[59:29] Trank, Trask, Trinsk.

[59:31] Yeah.

[59:34] Yeah.

[59:34] Josh Trank.

[59:36] Yeah, it's got the Kate Mara and the Michael B. Jordan in it.

[59:40] And Whiplash.

[59:41] Who's Whiplash?

[59:42] From the film Whiplash.

[59:44] Oh, yeah.

[59:45] yes yeah what's his name everlasting beautiful now or whatever it's called he plays creed

[59:49] richardson he's got his arms wide open way open that you sound like thanks folks like my dad

[59:58] trying to explain the fantastic four anyway then there's sulyn storm she's the visible woman you

[1:00:08] can see her no matter what's going on i think that's certainly not a lot of bit oh is it yeah

[1:00:12] So there you go.

[1:00:13] Okay, then she's the divisible woman.

[1:00:16] You can cut her in half.

[1:00:17] It's fresh.

[1:00:18] Certified fresh.

[1:00:19] Rotten tomatoes.

[1:00:20] It's a Flophouse scoop.

[1:00:22] Flophouse exclusive.

[1:00:23] Two widely reviled films from the last year

[1:00:27] discussed by us at the Bell House.

[1:00:29] So Friday, Entourage, Saturday, Fantastic Four.

[1:00:33] And so maybe if you got tickets to one and not the other,

[1:00:35] set up some sort of elaborate swap system

[1:00:37] if you prefer the other movie.

[1:00:38] I'm not getting involved.

[1:00:39] Do swapsies.

[1:00:42] Hey, here's a thought.

[1:00:43] This is inspired by...

[1:00:47] A true story.

[1:00:48] I read an article about the McElroys getting...

[1:00:54] The McElroy brothers are friends from My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

[1:00:57] They're our dudes.

[1:00:58] Good guys. Funny guys.

[1:01:00] Looks like they're in development for a show for NBC's streaming comedy network.

[1:01:08] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:01:10] see so which uh you know raises the question where's our where's our fucking show wow i thought

[1:01:17] this no no congratulations yeah i thought this was your chance to congratulate you were gonna be nice

[1:01:21] to him no i genuine congratulations no no one deserves it more than them they uh they make me

[1:01:26] laugh uh every week every time i've listened i've re-listened to several episodes there i dare say

[1:01:32] they're some of my favorite podcasters but uh we got to get on the fucking ball guys we got to get

[1:01:38] him the fucking ball. I like ball guys

[1:01:40] as much as the next guy.

[1:01:41] But this is all preamble.

[1:01:43] To what? Where is this going?

[1:01:45] You run none of this

[1:01:48] by us. This is a congratul...

[1:01:49] This is the most

[1:01:52] backhanded congratulations. This is off the top

[1:01:54] of the dome, guys. This is...

[1:01:56] Maybe let's go under the dome.

[1:01:57] It gets darkest before the dawn, Elliot.

[1:01:59] Maybe this should be kept under the dome.

[1:02:00] Congratulations to them, but also

[1:02:03] I was...

[1:02:04] Is this like Dan's...

[1:02:07] I'm going to keep one foot on shore.

[1:02:09] Oh, I forgot this is our rest.

[1:02:13] I'll congratulate them, but I've got to make sure everyone knows that we're important, too.

[1:02:16] Our new regular segment, Dan's 15-minute crank.

[1:02:18] No, I was reading in this article about...

[1:02:23] Wait, we're in the Times?

[1:02:24] God damn it.

[1:02:26] Just let me...

[1:02:27] I was reading an article about this.

[1:02:29] It was on their Candlelight Show, and they're talking about also how the McElroys had helped

[1:02:37] very much um with a local charity uh okay now take down charities yeah my brother my brother

[1:02:44] and me angels they uh i forget the name of the charity that helped out it was a christmas well

[1:02:50] what the mbm am angels is that real or yeah you're making it up no that's what they say on the show

[1:02:57] i just uh it really touched me to read that they had done that i uh i appreciate me on this doll

[1:03:03] where it touched you i'm just saying that um we have a certain amount of power on the show and we

[1:03:09] have never thrown it behind doing anything good and uh i want to take uh a cue from those guys

[1:03:16] and say it's the holiday season pay it forward this is really this has been an emotional roller

[1:03:21] coaster ride this announcement went from hey congrats to those guys good for them fuck them

[1:03:26] where's our money they then they did something nice we don't do nice things maybe we should

[1:03:31] it's like i don't know where you're coming from dan i don't know what i'm saying it touched me

[1:03:36] the spirit spirit if the spirit moves you this holiday season why not uh give to charity why

[1:03:42] not do something nice why not uh will you be doing that i'll try he's had a rough go it's true it's

[1:03:50] true i know but uh i i in part i think because i've had a rough go in part because i'm feeling

[1:03:54] a little down this holiday season i say you know the only thing that really makes you feel better

[1:03:59] is helping other people.

[1:04:01] So why not do that?

[1:04:02] I agree with parts of Dan's sentiment.

[1:04:05] I agree with the

[1:04:07] it's nice to help people.

[1:04:08] I feel like if I had been able to get through this

[1:04:10] without being interrupted at every turn.

[1:04:12] No way, no.

[1:04:14] You were the one

[1:04:15] at no point did we interrupt you

[1:04:18] in such a way that you had to drop F-bombs,

[1:04:19] demand a show,

[1:04:21] shit on the people that you were congratulating.

[1:04:24] I never shit on them.

[1:04:26] I never shit on them.

[1:04:28] a shit on us

[1:04:29] for not being

[1:04:30] as proactive as we are.

[1:04:31] So, yeah,

[1:04:32] help out in your local community.

[1:04:33] And special thanks

[1:04:35] to our network,

[1:04:36] Max Fun,

[1:04:37] the McElroy Brothers,

[1:04:38] a variety of shows,

[1:04:40] My Brother, My Brother,

[1:04:41] Me, Sawbones,

[1:04:42] Adventure Zone,

[1:04:43] and all the other

[1:04:45] great shows on our network.

[1:04:46] That's what I'm thankful for.

[1:04:48] Thank you, Stuart,

[1:04:49] for pulling us out

[1:04:50] of that death spiral.

[1:04:51] Dan, do not.

[1:04:52] All the ships at sea.

[1:04:54] No, I don't understand.

[1:04:55] I mean, that was really

[1:04:56] Walter Winchell.

[1:04:57] I understand.

[1:04:58] Uh, I'm not going to argue with you.

[1:05:00] I feel like the sentiment that I was expressing has been grossly distorted.

[1:05:05] You landed on a very nice sentiment.

[1:05:07] After a wild path through the skies.

[1:05:11] You know what, watching that was like watching Baby's Day Out or like a Mr. Magoo cartoon

[1:05:19] where someone is sleepwalking through a construction site and girders just happen to be falling

[1:05:24] into the right position for them to not fall to their deaths.

[1:05:27] and then they finally get through it okay i don't understand like you you think you think that it

[1:05:31] was artless but maybe maybe it was one of those uh those monologues those monologues that take

[1:05:37] you on an emotional journey and land you in the right shepherd of our time dan saying he

[1:05:43] intentionally did a heel turn to let us us show off what good guys we were so we could be the

[1:05:50] baby faces yeah god i was down on ourselves i was never down on anyone it was a real redemption

[1:05:55] story um i don't even want i don't even want to write i don't even want to read letters now okay

[1:06:01] so now's the so i'm ellie kalin that's stewart wellington daniel this is the letter segment of

[1:06:07] the show yeah it goes like this starring you the writers in the writers in is that a hotel

[1:06:14] yes for writers of letters come on down to the writers in here's your room typewriter included

[1:06:21] write a letter to the flop house room service costs extra write them a letter and then check

[1:06:30] out we got a lot of people who want to stay rooms rented out by the hour shouldn't take you more

[1:06:35] than an hour to write that letter at the writer's inn the writer's inn is located on writer street

[1:06:43] any town america uh earth this letter is from kim last name with hell she's from melbourne australia

[1:06:53] oh dear sophisticated new york perverts i just i guess yeah i just finished listening to your

[1:07:00] shades of grape episode and was compelled to write to you the supermarket brand of cola that

[1:07:06] we were drinking when we did it as one of the most song-filled eps and in my humble opinion

[1:07:10] one of the funniest. It made me realize

[1:07:13] how gifted you all are musically.

[1:07:14] Listeners have long been aware of Elliot's

[1:07:17] perfect pitch and exceptional

[1:07:18] lyrical skill, but by the sound

[1:07:21] of things, you other two floppers have untapped

[1:07:23] melodic resources.

[1:07:24] So I'm wondering if one of your future

[1:07:27] ventures might be collaborating

[1:07:29] on a Busby Berkeley-style musical

[1:07:31] extravaganza. In terms

[1:07:33] of story, I'd like to hear more of the

[1:07:35] illicit love affair between Tom Brokaw

[1:07:36] and Michael Caine. Perhaps the couple

[1:07:39] could seek assistance from Sex Coast

[1:07:41] Gort Booington. I'm imagining

[1:07:43] Stuart atop a revolving bed singing about

[1:07:45] the joys of post-coital bean dinners.

[1:07:47] And maybe

[1:07:48] a chorus line of Crypt Keepers could be involved

[1:07:51] somehow. I'd be interested to hear your

[1:07:53] thoughts. Hope you made it through this letter

[1:07:55] without too many interruptions, Dan.

[1:07:56] Well, this letter, not before. I'm rooting for you.

[1:07:59] Anywho, thanks for the laughs.

[1:08:00] Don't stop the flop. Kim

[1:08:02] from Melbourne. Now, I like the idea

[1:08:05] of a chorus line of Crypt Keepers because

[1:08:07] their legs would fly off when they kicked.

[1:08:09] Because they're just a bunch of bones.

[1:08:10] Certainly.

[1:08:10] And I would like to be on a revolving bed because I've never been on one of those.

[1:08:15] And I think I would fall off or get sick.

[1:08:18] Yeah, it doesn't sound like a good way to have sex, a revolving bed.

[1:08:21] Or sleep.

[1:08:22] How many people do you think get the revolving bedroom and they're like, I'm totally going to have sex.

[1:08:28] And then they get a little bored and just fall asleep on it.

[1:08:30] And then wake up and they're like, oh man, I was on a pizza all night.

[1:08:34] On a pizza all night?

[1:08:36] Yeah, yeah, because pizzas are around.

[1:08:39] And also the bed is full of tomato sauce

[1:08:43] Did I tell both of you guys

[1:08:46] That after my housewarming party

[1:08:48] I went to sleep

[1:08:49] And I woke up the next morning

[1:08:50] And I realized that I was sleeping on top of a bunch of coats

[1:08:54] I had cleared out of the front closet

[1:08:55] I read your popular Facebook post about it

[1:08:58] Yeah

[1:08:58] So was that sexy?

[1:09:01] I guess

[1:09:02] Did you think you killed a guy

[1:09:05] And ate his entire body?

[1:09:07] Nothing was left but the coat.

[1:09:09] They're my own coats.

[1:09:10] Like, I feel like, you know, I don't know.

[1:09:13] Maybe if they're other people's coats, maybe it would be.

[1:09:16] Like a snake.

[1:09:16] This answer is taking a weird turn.

[1:09:21] Once again, who did that?

[1:09:24] So, yes, I think we're incredibly musical.

[1:09:27] We're super talented.

[1:09:29] Somebody, look, where's our fucking Broadway show, Mel Brooks?

[1:09:32] Is that better?

[1:09:37] okay so thanks kim um thanks for writing in kim we appreciate that you like the show

[1:09:43] this next letter is from cecily last name withheld tyson hi gang hi gang hopefully elliot

[1:09:51] sang a little ditty or two before the reading of this letter although it seems like every time

[1:09:55] someone mentions the song the letter elliot hasn't actually done it but i'll take my chances

[1:09:59] this time the bet was paid yeah anyway wesley snipe said always bet on letter song what are

[1:10:06] your opinions on remakes i've noticed you've only covered a few are they always bad good in theory

[1:10:12] what are some remakes you've seen that flopped spectacularly or that you actually enjoyed i

[1:10:17] enjoyed the pacing of the more recent oceans 11 more than the original i'm on the edge of my seat

[1:10:22] for the citizen kane remake starring josh gad as kane and shirley mclean doing her best agnes

[1:10:26] moorhead and bewitched as agnes moorhead and citizen kane directed by shirley mclean be really

[1:10:31] good in their role by zach snyder of course side note in case you wanted to know you've conquered

[1:10:37] the 17 year old girl demographic congratulations i happen to be one who stumbled across this on

[1:10:42] the ab club like everyone else i'm trying to get more people to listen although playing your take

[1:10:47] on 50 shades of gray for my mom probably wasn't the best of ideas sincerely cecily or cicely yeah

[1:10:54] that episode's pretty much in the no moms allowed category yeah nma unless you're a cool mom one of

[1:11:00] school moms lets their kids drink and it's not a good mom um i mean unless they're over 21 in which

[1:11:06] case you're still yeah then it's that's fine yeah uh question is remakes there there are some good

[1:11:13] remakes but like john carpenter's the thing john carpenter's the thing is an amazing movie and i

[1:11:18] would say as good as the original if not even a little better in some ways it's better it's a

[1:11:23] more practical effects bro i suppose all the cgi in the 50s the thing yeah i'm sick of those

[1:11:30] uh there's also people forget that the maltese falcon with humphrey bogart is kind of a remake

[1:11:36] it was the third version of that story so you could say it was the first adaptation that was

[1:11:40] true to the maltese falcon but it was the third maltese falcon movie yeah they weren't all called

[1:11:45] maltese falcon but but like i know you guys dan i know you were a fan of the recent fright night

[1:11:50] remake i say recent that's probably like five years yeah i mean like i'm not like a super huge

[1:11:56] fan but i mean like i like it a lot yeah i mean i like the original fright i like myself some

[1:12:01] anton yelchin uh some david tennant right i mean some colin farrell that has the advantage of uh

[1:12:10] being a uh movie that's remaking you know a source material that's much beloved by me but isn't like

[1:12:19] unimpeachably great or anything like it's i mean the original fright nights are really fun it's

[1:12:24] It's really fun, but it's fun in that way that, like, you know, I just, like, really love 80s horror comedy.

[1:12:30] It's really difficult, and it's super difficult for...

[1:12:33] Well, but then you could say, it's a good movie if you like that kind of movie that it's of.

[1:12:36] I mean, I don't like Some Like It Hot, but it's a quality film in many ways.

[1:12:41] I'm impressed that Colin Farrell can step into the giant sexy shoes of Chris Sarandon.

[1:12:49] Super hunk of man.

[1:12:54] But yeah, I think that movie's great.

[1:12:56] There's, what are some other good, I mean, there's other good.

[1:13:01] There are movies that like transform what the original movie was.

[1:13:05] Like, you know, technically something like Little Shop of Horrors is a remake of.

[1:13:09] Yeah, that's true.

[1:13:10] I mean, you could say it's, it means an adaptation of the stage show that was an adaptation of the original film.

[1:13:14] But yeah, it's a remake.

[1:13:16] Or like, it's not the same as the original, and I prefer the original, but like Peter Jackson's King Kong I like a lot.

[1:13:21] Like, that's not a bad movie.

[1:13:23] it's just kind of like an overstuffed movie with one terrible sequence in it that dinosaur stampede

[1:13:29] where the effects are really fakey yeah because you're like if i saw a stampede of dinos i would

[1:13:35] go and try and hug them because i love them so much um but there's some but then they're like

[1:13:42] i just the other day i saw the uh commercial for the point break remake and it was like

[1:13:48] i was like it was like why would i don't know why you would bother to do this like there's

[1:13:53] a movie where it feels like if people

[1:13:55] really want to watch Point Break, they can find

[1:13:57] Point Break. It is incredibly accessible

[1:13:59] and easy to find.

[1:14:00] I don't know that there's anyone crying out

[1:14:03] to see

[1:14:04] a new version of that movie.

[1:14:06] I think the English language remake

[1:14:09] of The Ring is actually

[1:14:11] I would put it on par with the

[1:14:13] original Japanese version. I like it more than the original.

[1:14:14] I find the original Japanese version very dull

[1:14:17] through most of it.

[1:14:18] So remakes, they're great, always.

[1:14:23] This last letter of the evening goes like this.

[1:14:27] It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter.

[1:14:31] I have been campaigning for John McCoy to join the original Peaches and the Flophouse

[1:14:35] for almost the entire run of the show, for years.

[1:14:37] And now this.

[1:14:38] David, last name, sometimes withheld, Kalen, the sports fan.

[1:14:42] And you're John's kid brother.

[1:14:44] Did you ever think about that?

[1:14:45] Did you ever once think about that?

[1:14:47] John's your older brother, and he was stepped over.

[1:14:49] John can handle things.

[1:14:51] He's funny, not like everybody says.

[1:14:53] Like, boring.

[1:14:54] He's funny, and he wants respect.

[1:14:56] John Syracuse, last name not withheld to prevent him from being confused with my brother.

[1:15:01] I mean, I think that you're overlooking one important fact, which is David Kaelin lives here, and my brother lives in Boston.

[1:15:10] Yeah, David lives in your apartment.

[1:15:11] That's right.

[1:15:13] He lives in the Dumbwaiter.

[1:15:16] Stuff him in there at night.

[1:15:18] Send him downstairs.

[1:15:20] Yeah, David lives in Queens.

[1:15:22] That is some street-level marketing from John Syracuse,

[1:15:25] a friend of your brother, John McCoy.

[1:15:27] I mean...

[1:15:29] Popular podcaster, John Syracuse.

[1:15:31] My brother lives in Boston, or as I like to call it, New York Junior.

[1:15:35] So...

[1:15:36] Wow.

[1:15:36] Take that, Beantown.

[1:15:38] Hot take.

[1:15:39] Wow.

[1:15:40] Dan doesn't care whose toes he steps on tonight.

[1:15:42] Somebody call the fire department.

[1:15:43] You're Bradley Cooper in burnt.

[1:15:47] That was a wicked burn.

[1:15:51] yeah i know if you wanted to come up here over a period of time that we could fit him on the

[1:15:55] podcast i'm sure we could figure something out i mean you're the one with the hookup and the

[1:15:59] connection wow what an invitation yeah i suppose at his expense of course if you're listening i'm

[1:16:07] sure we could figure something out um no he's great he's got his own podcast sophomore lit

[1:16:14] you know now we could have him on if we watched a movie that was an adaptation of like a like a

[1:16:18] high school reading list book.

[1:16:19] Part of the reason we had David on was because it was a sports movie.

[1:16:22] Yeah, I mean, that's not necessarily his area of expertise.

[1:16:24] He does a podcast about it.

[1:16:27] What's his area of expertise, Dan?

[1:16:29] Being a jerky brother.

[1:16:31] Making fun of me.

[1:16:33] He's a museum curator, so we could have him on.

[1:16:36] Yeah, if we watch, like, Night of the Museum.

[1:16:37] Yeah, yeah.

[1:16:38] Was that a flop?

[1:16:39] Night of the Museum 4, the curator steps in.

[1:16:41] The curator's revenge.

[1:16:44] You know.

[1:16:48] Do you know anything about your brother?

[1:16:51] His name's John.

[1:16:53] We know that much.

[1:16:53] What's his specialty as a museum curator?

[1:16:55] The good one.

[1:17:00] What's his favorite food?

[1:17:02] Maybe we can work with that.

[1:17:03] Don't say pizza.

[1:17:05] Everyone says pizza.

[1:17:07] That's everyone's favorite.

[1:17:07] Don't say Terminator 2.

[1:17:10] That's everyone's favorite.

[1:17:11] Everyone's favorite food?

[1:17:13] Pie?

[1:17:14] Who's his favorite X-Man?

[1:17:16] Do not say Wolverine.

[1:17:18] don't say rogue that's yours yeah kitty pride oh yeah that's actually yours

[1:17:26] that's yeah uh yeah i don't know what my brother has special okay well maybe we'll have uh john

[1:17:33] mccoy on for a special fighting out a dangerous podcast especially this will be a podcast which

[1:17:38] is dan and john finally having that talk they should have had years no the thing is my brother

[1:17:42] The thing about my brother is he has an extremely

[1:17:46] Long

[1:17:47] Broad

[1:17:48] Swath of knowledge in a lot of weird

[1:17:51] Areas so

[1:17:53] Much like you Elliot

[1:17:54] So you're saying he's going to replace me?

[1:17:57] You're saying I should kill him so he's not a threat anymore?

[1:18:00] I'm not winking

[1:18:01] Right now

[1:18:02] Wink sound, wink sound

[1:18:05] So those were some great letters guys

[1:18:08] We learned a lot about Dan's family

[1:18:10] Remakes I guess

[1:18:12] and before that

[1:18:14] musicals

[1:18:16] musical stuff

[1:18:17] so what's the next part of the podcast Dan?

[1:18:19] I like this new thing called Stuart recaps the letters

[1:18:22] not very good at it

[1:18:25] my memory is terrible

[1:18:26] sometimes I get confused

[1:18:28] it's like the segment I'm going deep with David Reese

[1:18:31] what did we learn

[1:18:32] that's what Stuart's doing

[1:18:33] they often say things that were not in the segment

[1:18:35] this is the part of the podcast

[1:18:38] where we recommend a movie that we actually liked

[1:18:41] Unlike Outcast

[1:18:43] Oh I was going to recommend Outcast

[1:18:45] Dan looks like he got a movie right on the tip of that tongue

[1:18:48] Cue it up Dan

[1:18:50] I do

[1:18:50] I watched the movie The Big Short

[1:18:53] About Dorf

[1:18:54] The Adam McKay film about the financial crisis of 2008

[1:19:00] It was

[1:19:01] I found it very enjoyable

[1:19:03] It's funny

[1:19:04] It's informative

[1:19:05] um it's got you know a fun cast with uh christian bale ryan gosling uh steve carell some other dudes

[1:19:17] brad pitt in a very small role the weird thing it's an interestingly structured movie because

[1:19:21] all the big stars basically do not spend time together like they're all in their own separate

[1:19:27] storylines and it's a gosling and grail have a few scenes together but that's about it

[1:19:32] It's a movie that follows a couple different groups of characters who, yeah, they interact

[1:19:39] thematically, let's say.

[1:19:40] Yeah.

[1:19:41] But most of them don't actually meet each other.

[1:19:42] Now, Adam McKay really does like goofy Will Ferrell movies, yeah.

[1:19:46] That's true.

[1:19:47] But this is...

[1:19:49] How does he handle the slightly...

[1:19:50] For the most part, well.

[1:19:52] I mean, like, it's still a comic movie, but it's...

[1:19:57] The comedy is more muted and more angry.

[1:20:02] I didn't love all of it.

[1:20:04] I felt like, especially early on,

[1:20:06] it made some directorial choices

[1:20:08] that were a little showy to ends

[1:20:12] that I wasn't sure I understood.

[1:20:13] Like, there's a lot of montages of found footage

[1:20:17] that are just sort of tossed in

[1:20:18] that I'm not quite sure what that's all about.

[1:20:20] Well, in the beginning, a lot of it

[1:20:21] was to show the passage of time.

[1:20:23] Yeah, and I think also to show, like,

[1:20:25] the people that are being affected

[1:20:27] by the financial crisis, a little of that, maybe.

[1:20:29] A little of that, but also the things

[1:20:30] that people were focusing on

[1:20:33] rather than what was going on

[1:20:35] in the finance industry.

[1:20:36] That like,

[1:20:37] here's the stupid shit

[1:20:38] that you were paying attention to

[1:20:39] when you should have been

[1:20:40] keeping an eye

[1:20:40] on the financial industry.

[1:20:41] But there was a lot of that

[1:20:43] and a lot of like,

[1:20:44] sort of like shaky cam

[1:20:46] and like flashy camera movements

[1:20:47] that I felt like

[1:20:48] were more distracting

[1:20:49] than they were helpful.

[1:20:51] Tracting.

[1:20:52] But there were,

[1:20:53] I mean like.

[1:20:53] The opposite of distracting.

[1:20:54] But for the most part,

[1:20:56] the movie takes

[1:20:57] what could be

[1:20:58] a very sort of off-putting subject matter

[1:21:01] or just sort of difficult subject matter

[1:21:03] and makes it fun.

[1:21:04] I do think that like also Elliot and I

[1:21:07] were discussing that the movie

[1:21:08] like really wants you to understand

[1:21:10] everything very much at the front of the movie

[1:21:13] like even to the point of over explaining things

[1:21:15] that maybe don't need to be explained so much

[1:21:17] and then at the end of the movie

[1:21:18] some of the stuff that happens

[1:21:19] sort of happens and you're like

[1:21:21] wait what did that mean?

[1:21:23] Does the movie begin with like a monologue

[1:21:26] like, my grandmother always told

[1:21:28] me of a prophecy of a financial

[1:21:30] collapse. It doesn't.

[1:21:31] It does have narration

[1:21:33] with Ryan Gosling. I mean, in a

[1:21:36] certain way, like, some of it

[1:21:38] reminds you of something like Goodfellas

[1:21:40] in that, like, it has, like... Well, Wolf of Wall Street.

[1:21:42] Yeah, I mean, like, well, narration is

[1:21:44] like something along, yeah, like a Scorsese

[1:21:46] movie along those lines that is about

[1:21:48] process where,

[1:21:49] you know, different people trade

[1:21:52] off narrations and you're seeing

[1:21:54] the inside of a certain

[1:21:56] like how a certain

[1:21:58] world works and the movie's

[1:22:00] pretty good at doing that

[1:22:01] but it's fun

[1:22:04] it's a fun movie for

[1:22:05] certainly for the subject matter

[1:22:08] okay

[1:22:11] do you want to go next or should I go next

[1:22:13] so the holidays are coming

[1:22:15] so I think it's time for you

[1:22:16] my holiday's already over dude

[1:22:18] the holiday of cagemus and I think you all

[1:22:21] should treat yourself to a special

[1:22:23] little treat now you guys all know

[1:22:25] anybody knows me knows that i'm a real big fan of the mmcu that's the magic mike cinematic universe

[1:22:32] and tonight i'm going to recommend a little movie called magic mike xxl which is the second

[1:22:39] installment i believe in the mmcu uh and boy does it build on two movies well according to stewart

[1:22:46] The 21 and 22 Jump Street are part of the Magic Mike set.

[1:22:50] Extended universe, yeah.

[1:22:51] So if you were in the mood for some sweet hard bodies doing some sweet dancing.

[1:22:58] Go rent hard bodies.

[1:22:58] Run out.

[1:22:59] Don't rent hard bodies.

[1:23:00] It is disappointing.

[1:23:02] Those bodies are quite soft.

[1:23:04] Rent Magic Mike XXL.

[1:23:06] Now, one of the things that's kind of great about this movie is it's a movie that features the lowest stakes imaginable.

[1:23:13] This is a group of male entertainers who are heading to Myrtle Beach for a, not even a

[1:23:21] competition, just a, uh, just a conference, a, uh, a, a, uh, like a, yeah, a conference

[1:23:31] basically where they're, they're just going to participate in a bunch of stripping and

[1:23:35] entertaining.

[1:23:36] And there's no, like, it's not like anybody's trying to save their rec center.

[1:23:39] There's no villains at all.

[1:23:42] And it becomes this weird little road movie where pretty quickly Channing Tatum is like, you know, I put this all behind me.

[1:23:52] But now that Dallas and the kid are out of the way, maybe I'll get back together with these guys, with Big Dick Richie and Animal and the rest.

[1:23:59] Get the gang back together to strip.

[1:24:02] Yeah, so they head to Myrtle Beach and there's a lot of stripping.

[1:24:06] For one last big strip.

[1:24:08] It's pretty body positive, and yeah, it's super fun.

[1:24:12] Yeah, well, if you have fucking bodies like these guys,

[1:24:14] of course it's body positive.

[1:24:15] Yeah, I'm positively interested in their bodies.

[1:24:19] All right.

[1:24:20] Yeah, so it's super fun.

[1:24:23] I totally recommend it.

[1:24:24] Magic Mike XL.

[1:24:26] Now it's called that because they all let themselves go

[1:24:29] between the movies and now wear extra, extra large clothes.

[1:24:32] No, well, I wish.

[1:24:36] As I said before, I like gummy bear bodies.

[1:24:39] No, I still haven't seen either of the Magic Mike movies.

[1:24:44] But for a while, I...

[1:24:46] You thought they were about wizards.

[1:24:47] I was like, magic, I love it.

[1:24:50] A magic microphone that can make your voice sound beautiful.

[1:24:53] Makes me sound like a robot?

[1:24:55] Where do I buy that?

[1:24:57] I wasn't sure if it was a new movie or if it was like they re-released the movie with more footage.

[1:25:02] But it's a new movie.

[1:25:04] It is a brand new movie.

[1:25:06] It's not just like it is lighter in tone, whereas the first movie was a little bit serious.

[1:25:11] I think Dan recommended on the podcast earlier.

[1:25:13] Not this podcast on a different episode.

[1:25:16] I did subliminally, but it's a Steven Soderbergh every now and then.

[1:25:21] He's just going, Magic Mike.

[1:25:22] And there's and and the first movie, there's a it's a little bit like there's a little bit of a dark edge to it.

[1:25:29] Plus, there's still a ton of stripping.

[1:25:31] But this one, there's no dark edge.

[1:25:35] it is nothing but smiles smiles for miles uh well speaking of dark edges it's time for me to

[1:25:43] recommend my movie a movie that at times gets very dark and there's a lot of edges that are

[1:25:47] used to cut people in different ways uh and it's a movie called bone tomahawk now this was uh

[1:25:53] recommended to me specifically by a podcast listener and friend of mine brendan hay

[1:25:58] who said make sure you see this one and it did not disappoint as a western a very dry western

[1:26:05] horror movie uh that is weirdly kind of paced and structured by enjoy but very enjoyable where

[1:26:13] most of the movie is a bunch of characters played by kurt russell and richard jenkins and matthew

[1:26:18] fox and patrick wilson on a quest to find uh some townspeople who were kidnapped by a tribe of

[1:26:27] troglodytes uh they're who are just like savage cave people who i guess live in the american west

[1:26:32] and uh they're who are there's no mystery to what happened they get kidnapped and the next day

[1:26:37] someone walks in and is like oh yes and troglodytes did it like the uh and they are trog hog extra

[1:26:45] extra a lot of it is them facing just the dangers of being traveling in the west and getting to know

[1:26:51] each other and the different personalities and then but once it gets to the violent part it

[1:26:55] erupts in violence and it becomes

[1:26:57] super gory and like

[1:26:59] super almost

[1:27:01] gothic horror-y in some ways

[1:27:03] it's like you had a movie that

[1:27:05] it's like you had a

[1:27:07] script that like Howard Hawks

[1:27:09] had worked on in the 70s and then the

[1:27:11] Coen brothers that did like a gloss on the dialogue

[1:27:13] and then they just brought Joe R. Lansdale in

[1:27:15] at the end to like really make it

[1:27:17] gruesome

[1:27:18] I think if Stuart if you haven't seen it

[1:27:21] I think you'd like it a lot

[1:27:22] it's called Bone Tomahawk

[1:27:25] Rated R

[1:27:28] It's gross

[1:27:30] It is gross

[1:27:31] So what do we do now Dan?

[1:27:33] Three movies perfect for the holidays

[1:27:34] The Financial Crisis, Male Strippers

[1:27:37] And Troglodytes

[1:27:39] Troglodytes butchering people

[1:27:41] Yeah

[1:27:41] Now we sign off

[1:27:44] Another year

[1:27:46] Another year come and go

[1:27:48] Another year in the can

[1:27:49] I've been for the Flophouse podcast

[1:27:52] That was abrupt

[1:27:53] guys what are our movie resolutions for next year yeah um for 2016 year of the flop let's make it

[1:28:02] year of the flop the year the flop house really takes it to the next level okay what are we gonna

[1:28:07] do how do we do that writers or listeners write in tell us how we take it to the next level because

[1:28:13] i don't know either and this will be the year that we probably take down those beloved macaroys

[1:28:19] but love with all my heart.

[1:28:20] Or maybe this will just be the year

[1:28:22] that we find a sewer pipe

[1:28:23] that lets us skip a couple boards.

[1:28:25] All right.

[1:28:25] Yeah, so for the Flophouse podcast,

[1:28:28] I'll be skipping them boards.

[1:28:30] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:28:31] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:28:33] And now worried for the lives of the McElroys,

[1:28:35] I am Elliot Kalin.

[1:28:36] I want to wear you.

[1:28:38] Please, Ken.

[1:28:40] You'll never guess what you'll see

[1:28:47] through the fucking window.

[1:28:49] untold delights carnal pleasures unspoken of up until now no greater portal to erotic adventure

[1:29:00] than fucking window watch out pinhead might show up who knows dude it's fucking crazy man

[1:29:09] it is insane through that window like anything could happen like a woman having sex with a

[1:29:14] dinosaur or some shit.

[1:29:15] It's in the effects budget.

[1:29:17] Somebody might even use, like,

[1:29:20] a gas-powered dildo.

[1:29:22] Gas-powered dildo?

[1:29:24] Yeah, it's steampunk. Steamporn.

[1:29:25] Wouldn't be steampunk

[1:29:28] if it was gas-powered. That would be

[1:29:30] if it was coal-powered. I'll allow

[1:29:32] it.

[1:29:32] A steampunk dildo

[1:29:38] would be covered in cogs,

[1:29:39] be brass. It would be a cock-cock.

[1:29:42] Or a cog-cock.

[1:29:44] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:29:46] I'll allow it.

[1:29:46] Maximumfun.org.

[1:29:50] Comedy and culture.

[1:29:51] Artist owned.

[1:29:52] Listener supported.

[1:29:53] Hi, buddies.

[1:29:56] I'm Travis.

[1:29:57] And I'm Andy.

[1:29:58] And we host Bunker Buddies on Maximumfun.org.

[1:30:00] What is Bunker Buddies, you ask?

[1:30:01] Well, it's a show hosted by two comedians about how to survive the apocalypse.

[1:30:06] We talk about stuff like the rapture.

[1:30:08] Zombie apocalypse.

[1:30:09] How to survive an EMP.

[1:30:12] What if a disease takes over the dead?

[1:30:14] How to survive a food shortage.

[1:30:16] The people who eat other people.

[1:30:19] So don't get freaked out.

[1:30:20] We're going to tell you how to get through it.

[1:30:22] We're comedians first and, you know, aspiring preppers second.

[1:30:26] Join us.

[1:30:26] So tune in every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever podcasts are sold.

Ep. #194 - Outcast

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