Ep. #194 - Outcast

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Merry Cagemas, everyone.

[0:04] Tonight, Santa Cage has bought Outkast.

[0:08] Ho, ho, ho.

Elliott Kalan

[0:10] Is it a president under...

[0:11] President.

[0:12] Is it a president under the cage tree or a lump of coal in our cage stocking?

[0:15] Or a president.

[0:16] I don't know.

[0:16] Is there a president under the cage tree?

[0:18] Oh my God, someone's murdered this president.

[0:21] We're all suspects.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Whoa, Dan McCoy from the Flophouse podcast?

[0:56] Yeah.

[0:57] Yeah.

[0:57] Okay, well, I'm Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] Whoa, Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse podcast?

[1:02] You heard it here first, Buster.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] Hey, guys, if you're excited about that, get ready for Elliot Kalin of the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:08] No way.

[1:09] Meh.

[1:10] That's fair.

[1:11] That's fair.

[1:13] Wow.

[1:14] Unimpressed.

[1:14] You spoke with the voice of America just then.

[1:16] That don't impress me much.

[1:19] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24] So, guys, we do a podcast here, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:29] Yeah.

[1:29] On this podcast?

[1:30] Yeah, we do do a podcast.

[1:32] Do-do.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] Dan, what do we do-do on this podcast?

[1:35] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[1:37] And it's called the Flophouse podcast.

[1:39] Starring me, Stuart Wellington.

[1:41] Established.

[1:42] Asked and answered, counselor.

[1:44] Moving on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47] Whoa.

[1:48] They live no shenanigans over here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] Yeah.

[1:52] Shut your pie hole.

[1:53] We're moving on.

[1:54] Is he, like, his parents were Asian and Irish?

[1:58] No shenanigans?

[1:59] Yeah.

[1:59] I think I just stole a Bob and David bit.

[2:02] Oh, just erase that.

[2:03] Just erase that.

[2:03] No, no.

[2:03] You can say something is no shenanigans.

[2:05] It's all right.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] I stole a Judge John Hodgman bit just a moment ago.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] And I steal everything, because it's me, the cat.

[2:12] The world's greatest jewel thief.

[2:15] Dan.

[2:15] Stuart, secure your earrings.

[2:17] Too late.

[2:18] His ears are now bare as the day they were born.

[2:20] But this fine jeweled brooch I'm wearing.

[2:23] Dan, why don't you check your chest and see if there's any hair left?

[2:26] Well, all right.

[2:26] Whoa!

[2:28] That's right, because I'm a creepy thief.

[2:32] How did you even do this?

[2:34] It's a trick of the trade.

[2:37] That trade?

[2:38] The human hair trade.

[2:39] I'm also a seller of wigs, in addition to being a thief.

[2:42] Boy, oh boy.

[2:43] It's hard to survive in the wig business.

[2:45] It helps that I'm a criminal.

Dan McCoy

[2:46] Mostly Merkins, I assume, since it seems like you're interested in body hair.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] Only because I was such a love of the Broadway star Ethel Merkin.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] This is a podcast.

[3:01] Oh wait, hold on.

[3:01] Of course.

Elliott Kalan

[3:01] And of course, indie comedian Eugene Merkin.

Dan McCoy

[3:04] We did this already.

[3:06] From Bob's Merkins?

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] Very different show.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] This is a...

[3:12] That's a bad movie podcast.

[3:13] A very special time of year.

[3:15] It's Cagemas.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] Yay!

[3:18] The happiest time of the year.

[3:19] When we celebrate our lord and savior...

[3:21] This happens once a year.

[3:22] ...Nick Cage.

[3:22] Yes.

[3:23] Yeah.

[3:23] Except when we also do Cagemas in July.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] This happens two times a year.

[3:28] Sometimes in the past we've thrown in an extra Cage movie, too.

[3:30] Because why not?

[3:31] Let's make it clear what our feelings are on Cage.

[3:33] Do we like Cage in an ironic sense?

[3:35] Mm-hmm.

[3:36] No.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] We are...

[3:37] No.

[3:38] We like them in a real sense.

[3:39] In a real, sincere sense.

[3:41] We are Ragin' Cajuns.

[3:45] That's the only way to put it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:46] As established.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] Full of gnoll and spices.

[3:51] Zatarans indeed.

[3:53] Zatarans all around.

[3:55] Winch.

[3:56] Bar winch.

[3:57] Zatarans from me and my fellows.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] I still don't know what that means.

[4:01] It's just food.

[4:02] Okay.

[4:03] Anyway.

[4:04] I assume it's ground up gators.

[4:06] Spice and...

[4:07] Spice and...

Dan McCoy

[4:07] Spice and...

[4:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] Try some gators.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] It's the little league baseball team, the ground up gators.

[4:14] Now, Nicolas Cage is someone I think we all have a genuine appreciation for as a great

[4:19] actor.

[4:20] And we also have a genuine appreciation for him as somebody who cannot say no to a film

[4:24] because of his financial needs.

[4:26] And so he'll do pretty much anything.

[4:29] And it's...

[4:29] He blesses us with like five movies a year.

[4:31] And it's kind of...

Dan McCoy

[4:32] Including sexual favors.

[4:33] What?

[4:34] Five of an ask him.

[4:35] Just give him enough money.

[4:37] He'll do anything you want.

[4:38] Okay.

[4:38] That...

[4:39] Wow.

[4:39] Are you his manager now?

Elliott Kalan

[4:40] We're entering slander and libel territory right now.

[4:43] You're his manager.

[4:44] I get 10% of the job though.

[4:47] That's right.

[4:48] Yeah.

[4:50] But he...

[4:51] So...

[4:51] And he is also...

[4:53] He's not picky in the movies he chooses.

[4:56] And he's also not picky in his acting choices.

[5:00] In that he will do just about anything to make a role, if not interesting, then at least ridiculous.

[5:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:06] I mean, we've mentioned that there's been some movies where he play...

[5:09] He doesn't bring much energy and he tries to be like a slow simmering cage.

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:13] Like Bangkok Dangerous.

[5:14] Not what we're looking for.

[5:15] Not fun.

[5:15] And luckily, that's not what's delivered in helping...

[5:18] Heaping...

[5:19] Helping Spoonfuls for us tonight.

[5:21] Yeah.

[5:22] Let's...

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] Hamburger Helper Spoonfuls.

[5:22] So this movie we watched, Outcast, it doesn't...

[5:26] One, Andre 3000 and Big Boy do not appear.

[5:28] No.

[5:29] Two, there's not a lot of Nicolas Cage in this.

[5:31] He's listed as a star, but he's really more of a...

[5:34] It's almost more of an extended double cameo.

[5:37] But what he brings to the table is the ripest, broadest English accent growl you've seen since

[5:45] like a high school or even elementary school production of Treasure Island.

Stuart Wellington

[5:49] Have you guys ever heard of the movie Executive Decision with Kurt Russell?

Elliott Kalan

[5:52] I have an interesting story about that.

[5:54] You see, it seems that the studio traded that for some other movie that I don't remember

[5:58] because the story's not interesting.

[5:59] Oh, that's fascinating.

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] But that movie boasts...

[6:01] Thanks for telling me.

[6:01] And I appreciate you not interrupting me.

[6:03] That movie boasts a certain Steven Seagull in it.

[6:06] Yeah, Seagull.

[6:06] And he disappears relatively quickly.

[6:09] And I feel like, no spoilers, but Nicolas Cage kind of delivers the same sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] Except he comes back in a...

Dan McCoy

[6:15] What?

[6:15] Oh.

[6:16] Sometimes they come back.

[6:17] Nicolas Cage is they.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] That's a long title for a Stephen King movie.

[6:22] Can we cut off the Nicolas Cage part?

[6:24] Because I feel like that also fences us in about what kind of movie we can make.

[6:27] Maybe we don't want to make a movie that has to do with just Nicolas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[6:30] Look, I've got a vision.

[6:31] And if that vision isn't complied with, I will walk.

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] Well, contractually, your vision doesn't matter.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] All right.

[6:38] Well, I guess I'm going to go on.

[6:39] Okay.

[6:40] Next time, I'll just write a movie for Mick Garris to direct.

[6:43] What's his name?

[6:44] Yeah.

[6:44] No, that's it.

[6:45] Mick Garris.

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:46] Mr. Tommyknocker is it.

[6:48] Mr. Storm of the Century, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] I thought you were saying his name is Mr. Tom E. Knockers.

[6:54] Which seems like a softcore pseudonym.

Dan McCoy

[6:58] Yeah.

[7:00] He's a real master of horror.

[7:01] That's all I know.

[7:02] According to the show Masters of Horror.

[7:05] Now, is that the sequel to Masters of Sex or the prequel?

[7:09] That's true.

[7:09] Prequel.

[7:10] Okay.

[7:10] Yeah.

[7:11] Because you've got to get scared first to get all worked up.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] Is that how it works?

Dan McCoy

[7:15] Like taking a date to a horror show.

Elliott Kalan

[7:18] A horror show?

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:20] Like a Grand Gwinal stage show?

Dan McCoy

[7:24] I feel like a traveling carnival where someone gets killed on stage and maybe they really got killed.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] Dan's describing the latest season of American Horror Story, maybe?

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Yeah, I guess so.

[7:33] Yeah, babe, we're going to go see a snuff movie and then maybe you'll get all interested in me, huh?

[7:38] All interested in me.

Dan McCoy

[7:40] Maybe you'll get all interested.

[7:42] Maybe you'll get intrigued by what is beneath my pants.

[7:46] It will pique your interest.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[7:51] I don't know who this character is.

[7:53] Yeah, he's a pretty-

[7:54] Some kind of like a newspaper salesman from like the 20s?

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] Maybe he's an out-of-work astronaut.

[8:00] Anyway, so this movie-

[8:02] So Nicolas Cage is not in a lot of this movie, but he provides fun when he is.

[8:06] The movie begins-

[8:07] Smash Cut.

[8:08] Smash Cut.

[8:09] The movie tells us via titles that this is the Middle East in the 13th century.

[8:14] They could not be bothered to give us a specific city or a year.

[8:18] They've only narrowed it down to a region and a century.

Stuart Wellington

[8:21] It's like how some movies kind of leave the viewer in this kind of state of ambiguity to make them uncomfortable.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] Yeah, it's just like that.

[8:28] Yeah.

[8:29] Yeah, this is like Images or Limbo, you know, irreversible, one of those movies.

[8:34] Sure.

[8:35] Now, what strikes me more as a lack of interest in research in that we're thrown into a crusade scene.

[8:43] Yep.

[8:43] Obviously.

[8:44] Hayden Christensen, the other star of this movie, star of the upcoming Star Wars, The Force Wakes Up.

[8:49] No, I don't-

[8:50] Well, he's in it as Nikki Skywalker.

[8:55] I don't think this is-

[8:57] No, I don't think that's canon.

[8:58] That's inaccurate.

[8:59] Star Wars number seven.

[9:01] Wake up, Force time.

[9:03] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[9:05] Hey, Force, you got school.

Elliott Kalan

[9:07] Starring Hayden Christensen as Christian Haydensen.

[9:11] The name he checks into hotels under so that the paparazzi doesn't get him.

[9:14] Joke's on him.

[9:15] Paparazzi's not looking for him.

[9:16] Anyway, he is a knight in some crusade.

[9:20] He's got a cool haircut.

[9:22] They didn't even bother to do the research to tell us the year of a crusade.

[9:26] It's a historic fact which year's the crusade's happened in.

[9:28] He's got a cool haircut, and he's teamed up with Nick Cage, who is wearing a helmet with long chainmail.

[9:36] And-

Stuart Wellington

[9:36] And they're involved in some kind of a, like, the sacking of a city.

[9:39] Yeah.

[9:40] Of a Middle Eastern-

[9:41] That city is fired.

[9:43] Yeah.

[9:43] Yep.

[9:44] It's like the movie Up in the Air, because-

Elliott Kalan

[9:48] Because the blood is flying up in the air.

[9:50] They're sacking a city, and Nick Cage has clearly lost his taste for the slaughtering of Muslims.

[9:56] And he's like, ah, this is all, it's all crap what we're doing, blah, blah, blah.

[10:01] And Hayden Christensen isn't quite ready to accept that until he's massacred some more Muslims.

[10:05] And then seen them kill themselves to escape his unholy wrath.

[10:10] Whereas he sees it, holy wrath.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:13] And it's established that he is a super badass with specifically the javelin.

Stuart Wellington

[10:18] Oh, man.

[10:18] Give that dude a spear.

[10:19] Everybody's toast.

Elliott Kalan

[10:21] Because, wait, he's making toast for everybody with a spear?

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] Yep, he's putting them in the oven for a specific amount of time.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] He's making his toast in the oven?

[10:30] He's a weird guy.

Stuart Wellington

[10:32] Yeah, I can't afford a fucking toaster, Mr. Rockefeller.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] Look, this is the 13th century.

[10:37] Toaster ovens had not been invented yet, only oven ovens.

[10:41] I guess that's fair.

Dan McCoy

[10:42] But sliced bread had been invented.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] Oh, yeah.

[10:45] Everyone was still excited about it.

Dan McCoy

[10:46] Yeah, it was the biggest invention since itself.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] They were like, sliced bread, this is the best invention since hand nobbles.

[10:54] You don't even know what those are, because we don't care anymore, because sliced bread is so much better.

[10:59] Yeah, and nothing has superseded it since then.

[11:01] Yeah, well, think about it.

Stuart Wellington

[11:02] Hand nobbles sounds like a really bad off-brand, like Cheetos variant.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] They're like, I don't know, you use your hand, and they kind of look like nobbles.

[11:12] And their mascot is like a bobcat with like a sunshade on.

[11:21] Bob Novels is what they call them.

[11:22] Bob Novels.

[11:24] He's like Chester Cheetah, but not as cool.

[11:29] But like, he's cleaner than Chester Cheetah.

[11:31] Like, he's got a clean house, and he keeps his taxes in order.

[11:34] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:35] He's a sometimes member of the PGA Tour.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] That's how you know he loves snacks.

[11:42] I'm happy.

[11:44] Now, Chester Cheetah.

[11:45] It's a sport that doesn't require a lot of exercise.

[11:47] Now, Cheetos, they crunch pretty loud, but hand nobbles are pretty moist, so they don't crunch.

[11:51] That's when you want a quiet snack, like during a golf game.

[11:54] Well, because you soak them in vinegar before you eat them.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] For that smooth taste.

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] Hand nobbles, won't you?

[12:03] Anyway, they are fighting through this town, and it's a bloody mess, in that the editing is very unclear.

[12:11] Also, the battle's pretty bloody, too.

[12:13] And by the end of it, Hayden Christensen, he's not a-feeling-so-good, because he sees the leader of the Muslim people they're fighting,

[12:23] the leader's wife kills her children and then herself right in front of Hayden Christensen,

[12:27] rather than allow themselves to fall into the hands of these barbarians.

Stuart Wellington

[12:31] Yeah, the opening kind of devolves into a sort of like a fiery, violent, like, it just kind of goes to black, basically, right?

[12:40] That like, it feels like we're lost in this hellscape, like at the end of Sword of Doom.

Elliott Kalan

[12:44] Yeah, exactly.

[12:45] That's a good movie, Sword of Doom.

[12:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:47] And then, boom, we have the title.

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] Title credits, and then, boom.

[12:52] Three years later, just like in Brad.

[12:54] Three years later in the Far East.

[12:55] Now, what year is it?

[12:57] We don't know.

[12:57] Is it still in the 13th century?

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] Why did he even say three years later at this point?

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] To establish, he's had a number of years just bumming around being a drug addict.

[13:05] It's three years later in the Far East.

[13:07] Again, kingdom or country name, unnecessary.

[13:10] It's the Far East.

[13:11] And we are suddenly thrust into what appears to be a different movie as an aging, let's just say, Chinese emperor.

[13:19] And that names his young, kind of like 14-year-old second son, who is very peaceful and a little, let's just say it, weak.

[13:26] Yeah.

[13:27] He's kind of the Fredo of the brothers.

[13:30] And he kind of seems dim.

[13:31] I don't like, he does not seem smart.

[13:33] There's not a lot to recommend him.

[13:35] And he doesn't clean his face very often.

[13:38] Well, he was on the dusty road.

[13:40] He was a gentleman of the road.

[13:43] So, yeah, dusty roads.

[13:46] He names his younger son as his heir, not his older, warring son, because the people need a leader of peace, not a leader of war.

[13:54] And he knows that his older son is coming to demand the kingdom.

[13:58] So he gives the royal seal to his son and his daughter, who he charges with taking care of his very weak, very can't-take-care-of-himself son.

[14:07] His son just kind of like wanders through the movie as other people save him all the time.

[14:12] Yep.

[14:13] And he's got dirt on his face.

[14:15] Why are you so-

[14:17] It really affected Stuart that in one scene he had dirt on his face.

[14:19] Let's face the music.

[14:20] He's got dirt on that face.

Dan McCoy

[14:21] Is this a podcast where you just really come out really strong as a personal hygiene advocate?

[14:26] Just carry some moist wipes in your pocket, little bro.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] Get yourself cleaned up.

[14:33] Like loose in your pocket?

[14:34] Like loose moist wipes?

[14:35] They'll dry out.

[14:36] No, you get one of those little packets that self-seals.

Elliott Kalan

[14:40] Self-seals?

[14:41] It's like that healing technology?

[14:43] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[14:44] It's like that healing technology.

Elliott Kalan

[14:47] So they-

[14:48] Dirty face.

[14:50] See, his face is not yet dirty.

[14:51] And his big sister.

[14:52] His face, currently clean.

[14:54] And his big sister, who is run out through a secret hideaway, led by a monk who, since he is bald-

[15:00] You know he's wearing robes.

[15:01] You know that guy knows kung fu.

[15:02] He's a kung fu maniac, and he's going to take down like ten guys.

[15:04] As soon as he shows up, you're like, oh boy, what's going to happen?

[15:07] Hope this Shaolin dude starts beating people up with his wushu.

[15:11] And then in runs the bad guy's son, the older son, who has just finished fighting a war or something.

[15:17] He wears black armor, which everybody wears in this movie.

[15:20] And he demands that the kingdom be his, and then stabs his father, killing him, ever so lightly.

[15:28] Yeah, just the tiniest amount.

[15:30] Just the little tip of his knife.

[15:31] That's all he needs to poke in him, and it just kind of like tips his dad over the edge into deathdom.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] He makes a pretty good point, though.

[15:37] He comes in and he's like, number one, I'm the oldest son, and this was my birthright.

[15:43] And number two-

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] He's like, primogeniture, bitch.

[15:45] I've been out there-

[15:46] He's Freddy Krueger now?

[15:48] He's Freddy Krueger with a real understanding of pre-modern legal systems.

S5

[15:54] Your younger sons better get ready for a career in the priesthood.

Dan McCoy

[15:59] They don't inherit nothing, bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] But number two, he's been out there on the front lines.

[16:04] It sounded more like Macho Man Randy Savage at the end there.

Dan McCoy

[16:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:10] Bonesaw will be king.

[16:13] Bonesaw's ready, bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[16:15] What if Randy Savage had played Freddy Krueger?

[16:17] Very different character.

[16:18] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[16:20] A little more pageantry.

[16:21] More, a slightly different hat.

[16:23] More of a cowboy.

[16:25] Sunglasses would be an amazing touch, though.

[16:27] A necessity.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] I mean, Freddy Warsong less is a necessity.

[16:32] Oh, that brings me back to the original Song of the Autumn.

[16:34] Dan, you were saying something?

Dan McCoy

[16:35] No, just like this other point is like, oh, I've also been going out and warring for you.

[16:40] Like, I've been on the front lines commanding your armies.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] You might as well call me Warwick Davis for all the wars I've been fighting for you, Dad.

Dan McCoy

[16:46] And so, like, it really does kind of feel like a kick in the nuts that he's like, uh, I prefer son Weakie Mc2-born.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] Thanks for securing my kingdom, son.

[16:57] Now, if you'll excuse me, shuffle off stage left while I make little boy no man the king.

[17:04] Dirty face little turd.

[17:06] Why don't I make soft voice, soft hands the king?

[17:11] Look at those hands.

[17:13] Never done a day of work in his life.

[17:14] If he didn't clip his nails once, wouldn't matter.

[17:17] Everything's done for him.

Dan McCoy

[17:18] He was great in the castle production of Annie, though.

[17:22] As Annie and the dog.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] Was that Sandy?

[17:25] Sandy, yeah.

[17:25] Now, thanks for putting down that peasant uprising and repelling the Mongol invasion,

[17:31] but the kid who's never even wiped his own tush is going to be running the country now.

[17:34] No, it looks like he's been wiping his face with that tush.

Dan McCoy

[17:38] His face?

[17:39] His face is...

[17:40] Wait, there's so much wrong with that.

[17:42] His face is the thing that he's wiping.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] He's certainly not wiping his face, Dan.

[17:48] Stuart has established that his face is dirty in one scene later in the film.

[17:54] The unforgivable sin of a dirty face.

Stuart Wellington

[17:58] Most honorable father, I understand that your favorite Peanuts character is Pig Ben, but come on.

[18:05] Let me wipe my face.

[18:07] Son, you're more of a Schroeder.

Dan McCoy

[18:09] You shall not gain the throne.

[18:11] Schroeder, the most warlike peanut character.

Elliott Kalan

[18:14] Well, I guess Lucy, what, is the most warlike?

[18:17] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:18] We'll see her maybe peppermint patty.

[18:20] That's homophobic.

[18:22] What?

Elliott Kalan

[18:22] Anyway, Dan, let's continue.

Stuart Wellington

[18:24] Yeah, Snoopy's the most, he's the Red Baron, right?

Elliott Kalan

[18:26] No, Snoopy is not the Red Baron.

[18:28] He isn't the Red Baron.

[18:28] He's chasing after the Red Baron.

[18:29] Yeah, he's the World War I flying age.

[18:31] He flies for the French or British, I assume.

[18:34] I always assumed it was the French, because he's always in France.

[18:36] Now, did his doghouse have guns?

Dan McCoy

[18:38] He's a long way to Tipperary.

[18:39] Then he's British.

Elliott Kalan

[18:41] Maybe he's Australian and he's brought to England.

[18:43] Did his...

[18:43] He flies a sop with camel.

Stuart Wellington

[18:45] Yeah, did his doghouse have guns on it, or did he have to fire a revolver?

[18:50] I mean, I don't know that he ever fires anything.

Elliott Kalan

[18:52] He just gets bullet holes in his doghouse.

[18:54] Yeah, he's not a...

Dan McCoy

[18:55] I mean, he calls himself a flying ace, but there's not really any textual evidence to

[18:59] the...

[18:59] It's a self-given title.

[19:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:01] Now, did they do that whole flying ace thing as a response to, like, teens kind of falling

[19:06] out of touch with the peanuts, like the whole Bugs and Taz, Backwood Pants thing?

[19:11] There's nothing that teens love more than the tales of the First Great War.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] The First Great War?

[19:18] The...

[19:19] Yeah, kids at the time were really into trench warfare.

[19:23] And Sparky Schultz was like, hey, there was a lot going on in the skies, kids.

[19:27] Look up from your Chuck Taylors.

[19:30] Yeah.

[19:30] There's a sop with camel flying around.

Stuart Wellington

[19:32] Penis.

[19:32] Yeah, brush the floppy hair out of your eyes and look to the skies.

[19:36] Penis is a great comic.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] I know you love your grunge music, but maybe you're forgetting that Eddie Rickonfovan,

[19:44] who was the American ace?

Dan McCoy

[19:47] Oh, I don't know.

[19:48] Anyway, you were saying...

[19:49] I feel like Rerun was more of an attempt to, like, zazz up the strip for the kids.

[19:52] Rerun from Good Times?

[19:55] Oh, no, that was What's Happening, wasn't it?

[19:57] No, I just...

[19:58] Peanuts is such a great script, but, like, thinking back on it,

[20:01] that is one of the more inexplicable things that happens in it,

[20:04] is this dog has a fantasy that he's a flying ace in World War I.

[20:08] Here's one I...

[20:09] And his doghouse gets shot up a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[20:11] I have two ideas about it.

[20:12] One, Charles Schultz was curious, interested in World War I.

[20:14] Or two, he read Garfield, and he was like,

[20:16] this cat loves lasagnas and hate Mondays?

[20:18] Oh, I should just give an animal a totally nonsensical, non-sequitur,

[20:22] out-of-nowhere characteristic?

[20:24] Then a dog can be a World War I pilot.

Dan McCoy

[20:26] Seeing as Garfield didn't start until 1978,

[20:29] on my birthday, in fact,

[20:31] then I doubt it was the latter.

[20:33] Didn't realize I was talking to R.C. Harvey over here.

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] Anyway, so, happy birthday, by the way.

[20:40] Thanks.

[20:40] Garfield.

[20:41] Oh, wow.

[20:44] Let's get back to the movie.

[20:45] This is a moment of silence for Garfield?

[20:47] Yeah, who sadly passed.

Stuart Wellington

[20:49] He would have been 100 this week.

[20:50] Garfield will see you at the crossroads, buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] I mean, Garfield is 37 years old.

Dan McCoy

[20:57] That's very old for a cat.

[20:59] The oldest cat in the world.

[21:00] I'd hate Mondays, too, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[21:02] I don't know about that.

[21:03] What about, like, the Pink Panther?

[21:05] Sylvester?

[21:06] Uh...

[21:07] Crazy cat?

[21:08] I'm count...

[21:09] The Cheshire cat?

Dan McCoy

[21:10] I'm talking about real-life cats.

[21:12] I'm comparing them to real-life cats in lifespan.

[21:16] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] Dan's musical, Real-Life Cats,

[21:20] opens on Broadway soon.

[21:23] It's the first production of Cats

[21:25] where they're actually played by cats.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] Oh, wow.

[21:27] Yeah, now, going back to...

[21:28] Memories of a thing that happened five seconds ago,

[21:32] and then not much before that.

[21:34] I think we go more like this.

[21:35] Meow, meow.

[21:35] My brain is too small.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Dan McCoy

[21:37] Runs offstage.

[21:39] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[21:41] Mr. Mistoffelees has fallen asleep in the sunbeam.

[21:45] Don't wake him.

[21:45] It's adorable.

[21:47] Greatest show on Broadway,

[21:48] raves Cat Fancy Magazine.

Stuart Wellington

[21:52] Yep.

[21:52] That's their brief on-stage segment

[21:55] that they never ran again.

[21:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:57] It's in...

[21:58] It's in...

[21:59] It's in...

Dan McCoy

[21:59] It's Taxi TV.

[22:00] It's Cat Fancy Taxi TV segment.

[22:02] Cat Dealey's Cat Fancy TV.

[22:05] I'm Cat Dealey for Cat Fancy.

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] Alexander Wolcott raves,

[22:08] I'm dead.

[22:08] I didn't get to see this show.

[22:10] Don't ask me.

[22:12] So, speaking of movies,

[22:14] the outcast.

[22:15] Oh, okay.

[22:17] Now, the...

[22:17] So, the prince,

[22:18] who Dan makes a very good point,

[22:19] has a much better claim to the throne.

Stuart Wellington

[22:22] Why didn't they ever make a performance of Cats

[22:24] with, like, Cat Williams

[22:25] and Cat Dennings

[22:26] and William Cat in it?

[22:27] There's still time.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] There's still time.

[22:30] It's super easy.

[22:31] Cat Stevens.

Dan McCoy

[22:34] Cat Spur, the friendly ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[22:37] Is that some kind of cowboy feline Cat Spur?

[22:41] Yeah.

[22:45] Cat Spur, the western ghost.

[22:47] Cat, shh, me if you can.

[22:50] Is that a movie?

[22:52] A movie's gonna star in a play.

[22:55] People have never seen it before.

[22:57] It's the eighth one.

[22:57] A DVD box.

[23:01] So, the prince and the princess

[23:03] are on the run.

[23:05] Luckily, they wander into a bar

[23:07] where no one seems to mind

[23:09] that the prince and princess

[23:10] that everyone's looking after

[23:11] have walked in.

[23:13] Wearing the exact same outfits.

[23:15] Not a disguise at all.

[23:16] They're princely raiments.

[23:17] Same clothes.

[23:18] Their faces aren't even dirty yet.

[23:20] There's nothing about them to...

[23:21] Oh, man.

[23:22] To disguise them.

[23:23] They wander in

[23:24] and the Black Guard,

[23:26] which is just the army

[23:28] that's loyal to the prince,

[23:29] shows up and tries to arrest them.

[23:31] But,

[23:32] that's when

[23:34] someone steps in.

[23:35] That someone,

[23:36] Hayden Christensen,

[23:37] in the form of a

[23:38] floppy hat-wearing,

[23:40] drug-doing,

[23:41] dissolute former crusader.

Stuart Wellington

[23:42] Through an opium fugue,

[23:44] he sees

[23:45] somebody's about to use

[23:46] his sword to kill somebody.

Dan McCoy

[23:47] He's got...

[23:49] He's got...

[23:49] He's a...

[23:50] He's an opening master fighter,

[23:52] you know,

[23:52] in the drunken master tradition.

[23:54] Like,

[23:54] he is able to,

[23:55] through his haze,

[23:56] like,

[23:56] take down a shit ton of people.

Stuart Wellington

[23:59] Yeah.

[23:59] It's similar to how, like,

[24:01] Popeye does a shitload of spinach

[24:02] and gets all crazy.

Dan McCoy

[24:04] He snorts it.

[24:04] And then he, like,

[24:05] murders 20 dudes.

Stuart Wellington

[24:07] With his fists.

[24:08] Yeah, it's crazy.

[24:09] Murder ramp.

[24:11] He's got those forearms

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] like hammers.

[24:13] And then he just,

[24:13] he comes at him and goes,

[24:14] he goes,

[24:14] Olive oil,

[24:15] what have I done?

[24:16] Not again.

[24:17] Ga-ga-ga-ga.

[24:18] It's the worst Popeye

[24:19] I've ever done.

[24:21] Ugh,

[24:21] wake up with blood on my hands.

[24:23] Ugh.

[24:24] Gotta get out of here.

[24:26] Oh, Popeye.

[24:28] You don't tell anyone

[24:29] about this.

[24:30] Yeah.

[24:31] Now,

[24:32] he...

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] Did Popeye get that tattoo

[24:34] before,

[24:34] he got that tattoo

[24:35] before they were legal, right?

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] Wait, what?

[24:38] Tattoos were never legal?

Stuart Wellington

[24:40] Yeah, they were totally illegal

[24:41] in New York for a long time.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] What?

[24:43] I mean,

[24:43] tattoo parlors,

[24:44] I think,

[24:45] were maybe not allowed.

[24:47] But if he,

[24:47] it wasn't like

[24:47] if you had a tattoo,

[24:48] the police would be like,

[24:49] round him up,

[24:50] throw him in the hoosco.

Dan McCoy

[24:53] I'm part of the old

[24:54] Irish police force.

[24:55] I thought you were gonna ask,

[24:56] did Popeye get that tattoo

[24:58] before he was a sailor?

[25:00] Like,

[25:00] it was aspirational.

[25:02] Like,

[25:02] oh,

[25:02] you know,

[25:03] someday.

[25:03] His arm is really swollen

Elliott Kalan

[25:05] from the tattoo as well.

[25:06] Why do you have those anchors

[25:07] on your arms?

[25:07] These are fish hooks.

[25:09] I'm a fisherman.

[25:12] They represent that I worship

[25:14] Dagon,

[25:15] the god of the sea.

[25:16] I'm not a sailor.

[25:18] Anyway,

[25:18] so,

[25:19] uh,

[25:19] he has exchanged his sword

[25:21] for food,

[25:22] and then the owner

[25:23] of the tavern

[25:24] hands the sword over

[25:25] to the leader of the Blackguard.

[25:26] Really,

[25:27] Hayden Christensen

[25:27] no longer has

[25:28] claim on that sword.

[25:30] It has changed owners,

[25:31] but instead,

[25:32] he uses it to

[25:33] kill a bunch of guys

[25:34] and then also

[25:35] throws a spear

[25:35] through a guy's head

[25:36] into a pillar.

[25:37] Which is great.

[25:39] He leaves,

[25:39] not paying for his food.

Stuart Wellington

[25:41] Somewhere in this scene,

[25:42] we figure out

[25:42] that there's also

[25:43] a mysterious figure

[25:45] known as the White Ghost.

[25:46] Yes.

[25:47] Right?

[25:48] White Ghost.

[25:49] The White Ghost,

[25:50] who is not Hayden Christensen?

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] No.

[25:52] Okay.

[25:53] But,

[25:53] we know he's a white guy

[25:54] who's maybe a ghost.

[25:55] His name?

[25:56] Catspur.

[25:58] Now,

[25:59] the prince and princess

[26:00] beg him to help them,

[26:02] and he's like,

[26:03] uh,

[26:04] uh,

[26:04] you know,

[26:04] he's a loser,

[26:05] and he leaves,

[26:06] but he still fights amazingly.

[26:08] And he's,

[26:09] he's,

[26:09] he's really good

[26:10] with using objects

[26:11] that are right next to him

[26:12] to fight people with.

Stuart Wellington

[26:15] It's almost like

[26:15] they shouldn't fight him

[26:16] inside the,

[26:18] the,

[26:18] the eating establishment.

[26:20] Like,

[26:20] they should just wait

[26:21] for him to come outside

[26:22] and fight him

[26:23] so he can't,

[26:23] like,

[26:23] hit them with bottles

[26:25] and benches.

[26:26] Yeah.

[26:26] It's like they,

[26:27] like they trapped him

[26:28] in a battling warehouse.

[26:29] Mm-hmm.

[26:30] It's like how

[26:30] every single martial arts movie,

[26:32] as soon as,

[26:33] uh,

[26:33] the characters go into

[26:34] a fish market,

[26:35] you're like,

[26:35] oh,

[26:35] fuck.

[26:37] Those poor fishmongers

[26:38] are going to lose

[26:39] a day's business

[26:40] at least.

Dan McCoy

[26:41] Although,

[26:42] hopefully,

[26:43] get a fish in the face.

Stuart Wellington

[26:44] Hopefully,

[26:44] some of the assembled crowd

[26:46] who are watching the fight

[26:47] are going to get hungry

[26:48] watching the battle

[26:49] and buy a bunch of fish.

[26:50] Just,

Elliott Kalan

[26:51] just take a bite

[26:51] out of a raw fish.

Stuart Wellington

[26:52] Yeah,

[26:53] or maybe afterwards

[26:53] they'll be like,

[26:54] I'd like to purchase

[26:55] that fish

[26:55] that that man

[26:56] was clubbed with.

[26:57] Sell it on eBay.

[27:02] Now,

[27:02] there is a thriving

[27:03] fish market on eBay.

[27:04] Now,

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] we should mention,

[27:06] that monk,

Stuart Wellington

[27:06] secondary fish market.

Elliott Kalan

[27:07] That monk that earlier

[27:08] that we said knows kung fu,

[27:09] we were not being racist.

[27:11] He totally kung fu's

[27:12] a bunch of guys,

[27:13] including a big fat guy

[27:14] with a beard

[27:14] and a mace

[27:15] that Stuart

[27:16] fell in love with.

[27:17] And unfortunately,

[27:18] Stuart was in the bathroom

[27:19] during the only fight scene

[27:20] where he really got

[27:21] to use the mace.

[27:21] Yeah.

[27:22] That was later in the film.

[27:23] So,

[27:23] that monk is gone.

[27:24] It's a peek behind the curtain.

[27:25] The prince and the princess

[27:26] into the bathroom

[27:27] where I was sitting,

[27:28] missing the movie.

[27:28] Because Dan's bathroom

[27:29] doesn't have a door.

[27:30] It's just a curtain.

[27:30] I know.

[27:31] Very awkward.

[27:32] It's just a leather flap.

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] It's a clear plastic shower curtain.

[27:38] So,

[27:38] you can still see

[27:39] the person in the door.

[27:39] I could have seen the movie,

[27:40] but I had my hands

[27:41] over my eyes

[27:42] because I get scared

[27:42] in the bathroom

[27:43] because none of my friends

[27:44] are with me.

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] It's such a specific

[27:49] bathroom fear need.

[27:52] So,

[27:54] they go,

[27:55] they eventually convince

[27:57] that he should join them,

[27:59] but I don't remember

[28:00] how they do it.

[28:01] They just kind of

[28:01] shame him into doing it.

[28:03] Do they offer him a reward?

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Yeah,

[28:07] I know.

[28:07] I think it's more

[28:08] that they see that

[28:10] sees that they're in trouble.

[28:12] So,

[28:12] they ride off

[28:12] in one direction.

Stuart Wellington

[28:13] He rides off

[28:14] in a different direction,

[28:15] splashes water in his face,

[28:16] and then he imagines

[28:17] the violence,

[28:18] and then he goes back.

[28:19] Yeah.

[28:20] He goes back to them,

[28:21] and then they have

[28:22] a weird exchange,

[28:23] and then they find

[28:24] a village that's burning.

[28:25] There's a village

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] that's being burned,

[28:27] and one little girl

[28:28] is left alive

[28:29] and is being kidnapped

[28:30] by a member

[28:31] of the Blackguard,

[28:32] and useless

[28:34] make no good

[28:35] at things.

[28:36] And do you think

[28:36] at that point

Stuart Wellington

[28:37] they're like,

[28:37] oh no,

[28:38] that member

[28:38] of the Blackguard

[28:39] is probably going

[28:39] to kidnap that girl,

[28:40] and I don't know,

[28:41] she probably doesn't

[28:42] have a family anymore.

[28:43] He might just raise her

[28:43] to be his own,

[28:44] and she'll become

[28:46] a member of the Blackguard,

[28:47] perpetuating a cycle

[28:48] of Blackguard creation.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] I don't think

[28:49] that's how it's

[28:50] going to happen.

[28:51] And so,

[28:52] and so they,

[28:53] they go to

[28:55] this village,

[28:57] and everyone's dead.

[28:58] The Blackguard

[28:59] is taking that girl.

[29:01] The kid who

[29:01] couldn't shoot straight

[29:02] tries to shoot

[29:03] a bow and arrow

[29:04] at the escaping

[29:04] marauder,

[29:05] the prince,

[29:06] at the escaping

[29:06] marauder,

[29:07] and fails.

[29:08] And Hayden Christensen

[29:09] takes that arrow

[29:10] and makes

[29:10] an insane shot.

[29:11] He makes

[29:12] arrow-aid out of it.

Stuart Wellington

[29:16] Yeah,

[29:17] he pulls a real

[29:18] Legolas.

[29:19] Yeah.

[29:20] And totally snipes

[29:20] this chump.

Elliott Kalan

[29:21] That was the name

[29:22] of the,

[29:23] that's the annual

[29:23] competition that they

[29:24] have in Scotland

[29:25] for the best girl

[29:26] Lego builder,

[29:27] Legolas.

[29:29] Also one of the worst

[29:30] Legion of Superheroes

[29:31] characters.

[29:32] That is a rough joke.

[29:34] Well, I had to pull

[29:34] us out of this

[29:35] Tolkien tailspin

[29:36] that you were

[29:36] bringing us into.

[29:37] Tolkien tailspin.

[29:40] Yeah,

[29:40] Baloo the Bear

[29:41] is teamed up

[29:42] with Gimli.

[29:44] Yeah.

[29:46] They're trying to,

[29:46] oh man.

[29:48] I guess,

[29:48] was Gadget in that

[29:49] or is that Rescue Rangers?

[29:50] That was Rescue Rangers,

[29:51] but there was that

[29:52] Bobcat Goldthwait

[29:53] type fluid lion.

Stuart Wellington

[29:54] Do not Google

[29:55] Gadget Rescue Rangers

[29:57] image search

[29:58] because it gets

[29:58] fucking gross.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] Just her having

[30:01] sex with that fly.

[30:02] A lot of people's

Dan McCoy

[30:03] sexualities get

[30:05] submitted at a

[30:06] certain point in

[30:07] their lives,

[30:07] is all I'm saying.

[30:08] The Disney afternoon

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] has a lot of

[30:10] questions to answer

[30:11] for.

[30:12] Weirdly enough,

[30:13] gummy bears?

[30:14] Not popular among

[30:15] the fetish artists

[30:16] or anyone else.

Dan McCoy

[30:18] Yeah, I mean,

[30:19] I think that the

[30:20] gummy bears were

[30:21] all sort of

[30:21] shaped like actual

[30:23] gummy bears was

[30:24] the thing.

[30:25] I'm kind of into

[30:25] that though.

[30:27] Yeah, Stuart has

Stuart Wellington

[30:28] a gummy bear fetish.

[30:29] Very zoftig.

Dan McCoy

[30:32] clear.

Stuart Wellington

[30:34] Yeah.

[30:35] I like somebody

[30:36] that is pretty

[30:37] transparent in their

[30:38] actions.

[30:38] Yeah.

[30:39] And gummy.

[30:40] I like someone

[30:41] really sticky.

Dan McCoy

[30:43] Really, like if I

[30:45] like, you know,

[30:46] like.

Stuart Wellington

[30:46] You're just writing

[30:47] my Tinder profile

[30:48] right now, dude.

Dan McCoy

[30:49] Like, it's stuck

[30:51] in my hair, maybe.

[30:53] What are you doing

[30:53] with your gummy bears?

[30:54] So it's bat or

[30:55] chewing gum or

[30:56] peanut butter?

[30:57] Peanut butter to get

[30:57] that out.

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] Now, they, they,

[31:01] so he makes this

[31:02] amazing shot and

[31:03] saves the girl.

[31:04] That girl might as

[31:05] what joins them,

[31:06] joins their merry

[31:07] crew.

[31:07] To be.

[31:10] Tipper Gore.

[31:10] And now you know

[31:11] the rest of the

[31:12] story.

[31:14] So you can thank

[31:17] for saving the woman

[31:18] who would put

[31:18] parental advisory

[31:19] labels on CDs.

[31:22] So she joins

[31:23] their noble gang

[31:25] and she might as

[31:26] well not.

[31:27] Like, she is not a

[31:28] character in the film.

[31:29] She is just a

[31:30] background nobody

[31:31] who does not figure

[31:32] into any of the

[31:33] scenes.

[31:33] What are you,

[31:34] megging her?

[31:35] I know.

[31:36] She's a fictional

[31:36] character.

[31:37] It's not her fault.

[31:37] She's not going to

[31:38] go out with you.

[31:38] This is the fault

[31:39] of the screenwriter

[31:39] or director that

[31:40] they didn't cut

[31:41] this character

[31:41] completely.

[31:42] There's no reason

[31:42] for them to be in

[31:43] there.

Stuart Wellington

[31:43] There's no, like,

[31:44] you would expect

[31:45] at least a friendship

[31:46] to be formed

[31:47] between the prince

[31:48] and her.

[31:48] Maybe a romance.

[31:49] Either that or

[31:50] just like an

[31:50] opportunity for him

[31:51] to see the life

[31:52] of somebody less

[31:54] fortunate in his

[31:55] kingdom to be.

[31:55] And they talk

[31:55] about that for

Elliott Kalan

[31:56] like two seconds.

[31:57] Yeah.

[31:58] But then she

[31:59] just, she might

[31:59] as well disappear.

[32:00] She might as well

[32:01] disappear even though

[32:01] she's in the

[32:01] background.

[32:02] It is the film

[32:03] acting equivalent

[32:04] of like a mafia

[32:04] no-show construction

[32:06] job where she's

[32:07] just, she might

[32:07] as well just be

[32:08] sitting on a lawn

[32:09] chair in the

[32:10] background through

[32:10] all the scenes.

[32:11] But, uh, they

[32:13] keep moving.

[32:13] They go from

[32:14] point to point.

[32:15] They narrowly

[32:16] escape being drugged

[32:17] by a bevy of

[32:18] busty ladies.

[32:20] Yeah.

[32:20] That's when things

[32:21] got exciting.

[32:22] Very briefly,

[32:23] there was a very

[32:23] cleavagey lady

[32:24] and then she

[32:25] disappeared from

[32:26] the film because

[32:27] why couldn't she

[32:28] become a character

[32:29] that tags along

[32:30] as opposed to

[32:30] this nobody

[32:31] girl who does

[32:31] nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:32] That was in the

[32:33] multi-ethnic brothel

[32:35] where they try to

[32:36] trap everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] Yeah.

[32:38] They try to drug

[32:38] Hayden Christ.

Stuart Wellington

[32:39] They tie Hayden

[32:40] Christensen's wrist

[32:41] and he escapes

[32:42] by setting his

[32:44] bonds on fire.

Dan McCoy

[32:46] It's like a one-step

[32:47] solution there.

[32:49] He doesn't, doesn't,

[32:50] he hasn't thought

[32:51] to the second step

[32:52] which is fire wrists.

Stuart Wellington

[32:52] But luckily the movie

[32:53] doesn't either

[32:54] because immediately

[32:54] he's like, he's free,

[32:56] he's got a sword,

Elliott Kalan

[32:56] everyone's gonna get killed.

[32:58] It just cuts to

[32:58] outside his room

[32:59] and he escapes.

[33:00] Uh, this,

[33:01] these were the scenes

[33:02] when the prince's

[33:03] face was dirty.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:05] They wandered

[33:06] through a desert.

[33:07] I remember those

[33:08] scenes.

[33:09] ties a scarf

[33:10] around his face

[33:11] and the prince

[33:12] and princess,

[33:13] who again,

[33:14] are being searched

[33:15] for everywhere

[33:16] in the country

[33:17] by this elite

[33:18] squad of Black

[33:20] Guard soldiers

[33:20] do not cover

[33:21] their faces.

[33:22] They do nothing

[33:23] to hide their

[33:23] identity.

[33:24] They're still

[33:24] wearing the same

[33:25] clothes they were

[33:25] wearing when they

[33:26] escaped from the,

[33:27] from the evil prince.

[33:29] like, it is,

[33:30] they, it's like

[33:31] they are.

[33:31] They don't even

[33:31] clean their faces

[33:32] off.

[33:34] They don't even

[33:34] clean their faces

[33:35] off their heads

[33:36] so they're

[33:36] unrecognizable.

[33:37] Are you taking

[33:38] money from dove

Dan McCoy

[33:39] soap that we

[33:39] don't know about?

[33:40] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[33:41] Yeah, yeah,

[33:41] moist, doves,

[33:42] moist towelettes.

[33:44] And Stuart just

[33:44] looks in the

[33:45] microphone and goes,

[33:46] by the way,

[33:46] this is the

[33:47] episode of

[33:48] Flop House

[33:48] brought to you

[33:48] by Clearasil.

[33:49] Clear skin.

[33:50] Clearasil.

[33:51] Do you know,

[33:52] a lot of dust

[33:52] and dirt clogs

[33:53] your pores.

[33:54] That's where

[33:54] zits come from.

[33:56] Clearasil.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] You know,

[33:57] acne really killed

[33:58] my love life

[34:00] for a while

[34:01] until I cleared

[34:02] my face up

[34:02] with a little bit

[34:03] of Clearasil.

[34:04] Clearasil explains

[34:05] it all.

Elliott Kalan

[34:05] Now,

[34:06] continuing on.

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] I was going to be

[34:08] the heir to a

[34:10] popular,

[34:11] I guess,

[34:11] questionably

[34:12] aged

[34:14] throne.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] It sounds like

[34:18] very cheap wine.

[34:19] Questionably aged.

Stuart Wellington

[34:23] I was the heir

[34:24] to this throne

[34:25] and, you know.

Dan McCoy

[34:25] Francis Forrest Coppola

[34:26] is questionably aged

[34:28] wine.

[34:28] All this dirt on my face

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] is really preventing me

[34:30] from achieving my potential.

[34:31] We sell no wine

[34:31] before it's time

Dan McCoy

[34:32] or maybe we do.

[34:33] Is it a week old?

Elliott Kalan

[34:34] Is it 12 years

[34:35] 12 years old?

[34:35] You don't know.

[34:36] We took the label

[34:37] off the barrel.

[34:39] So, Stuart,

[34:40] you were saying?

[34:40] I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[34:42] You're doing that

[34:42] Princess Clearasil.

[34:43] I got distracted.

[34:44] Yeah, he was playing

[34:45] Rebecca Gayheart

[34:46] there for a second.

[34:48] Doing a Clearasil.

[34:49] Lost me.

[34:50] Anyway.

[34:50] Wait, she was Noxzema.

[34:51] Never mind.

[34:53] I forgot which

[34:54] minor 90s starlet

[34:56] did which type

[34:57] of face cleaning thing.

[34:59] Explain it to me

Stuart Wellington

[34:59] all, Clarissa.

[35:02] Let's go.

[35:03] Where?

Dan McCoy

[35:04] Out of this podcast.

[35:06] Okay.

[35:06] Goodbye, everybody.

[35:07] Let's fly away.

[35:09] Fly on by

[35:11] to a magical land

[35:13] far away

[35:15] from outcast.

Stuart Wellington

[35:17] That's a theme

[35:18] from the movie.

[35:20] There's that karaoke scene.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] Nominated for

[35:22] an Academy Award.

[35:23] Now,

Stuart Wellington

[35:24] let's move.

[35:25] John Williams.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Let's move.

[35:27] Not that John Williams,

[35:28] though.

Stuart Wellington

[35:28] No.

[35:29] It's spelled like

[35:29] Martian Manhunter John.

[35:31] Yeah, yeah.

[35:31] J-O-N-N.

[35:33] Yeah.

[35:33] J-O-N-N.

[35:33] With an apostrophe.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] J-O-N.

[35:38] Everything he does at,

[35:39] the Martian Manhunter

[35:40] does it where he says like,

[35:41] J-O-N-N.

[35:41] And then acts like

[35:42] it flew in the air

[35:43] and then lands like,

[35:44] J-O-N.

[35:45] J-O-N-N.

[35:47] Jones.

[35:48] Now,

[35:49] let's skip ahead

[35:50] to the best part

[35:51] of the movie

[35:51] because why are we

[35:52] wasting our time

[35:52] with this stuff?

[35:53] They escape.

[35:54] There's a fight.

[35:56] has another fight

[35:56] with a bunch of bad guys.

[35:57] They stick a sword

[35:58] in his chest.

[35:59] He says,

Stuart Wellington

[36:00] get thee,

[36:01] get thee to the

[36:03] Silver Mountain Bandits

Elliott Kalan

[36:04] post-haste.

[36:05] It seems they're

[36:05] heading for the

[36:06] Silver Mountain

[36:06] where there are

[36:07] some anti-government

[36:08] bandits

[36:08] they hope to fall in with.

[36:10] And now my hope

[36:11] for a long time

[36:12] was that they would

[36:12] be led by Rufio

[36:13] from Hook.

[36:14] That did not happen.

[36:16] But we do get a fight,

[36:17] a very House of Flying Daggers

[36:18] fight scene in the woods

[36:19] where the Black Guardsmen

[36:21] are totally destroyed

[36:22] by these bandits.

[36:24] And we eventually learn-

[36:25] Or it's a little

[36:25] Return of the Jedi.

[36:27] It's a little like

[36:27] they're the Ewoks.

[36:28] Yeah, yeah.

[36:29] And the bandits,

[36:31] luckily,

Dan McCoy

[36:31] they're a force-based

[36:32] insurgent force.

Elliott Kalan

[36:33] I mean,

[36:33] that's Robin Hood 2.

[36:35] Yeah, sure.

[36:35] Robin Hood kind of-

[36:36] Robin Hood 2?

[36:37] Ewoks.

[36:37] Yeah,

[36:38] Robin Hood 2,

[36:38] Robin again.

[36:40] Back in the hood.

Dan McCoy

[36:44] He's there with the leprechaun.

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] Leprechaun in the hood

[36:48] really sounds different

[36:49] when it's Robin Hood.

[36:51] So is the leprechaun

[36:52] having sex with Robin Hood?

[36:54] What is happening

[36:55] in this movie?

[36:56] It's called

[36:56] Leprechaun in the Hood.

Dan McCoy

[36:58] Oh, yeah.

[36:58] I guess that makes sense.

[37:01] Or is he just wearing a hood?

[37:02] He's inserted his entire self

[37:03] into Robin Hood.

[37:05] Hey,

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] in Leprechaun in Space,

[37:06] he jumps into a guy's penis.

[37:08] What?

[37:10] You should see the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[37:11] Literally or figuratively,

[37:13] Elliot?

[37:13] Literally.

[37:15] Are you sure

[37:15] you don't mean figuratively?

[37:17] I'm very sure

[37:18] I mean literally.

[37:19] What would figuratively mean?

[37:21] It's like Vince Vaughn

[37:22] in the movie Swingers.

[37:24] Hey,

[37:24] would he jump

[37:25] into my penis?

[37:26] Hey,

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] quit jumping

[37:28] into my penis,

[37:29] dude.

[37:29] I didn't ask

[37:30] for a catheter.

[37:31] Quit jumping

[37:31] into my penis.

[37:33] I guess that's like

Dan McCoy

[37:34] cock blocking,

[37:35] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[37:35] Yeah.

[37:36] What are you doing?

[37:36] Jumping into my penis.

[37:37] It's cock filling.

[37:39] Yeah.

[37:40] Now anyway,

[37:42] moving on.

[37:43] There's one moment

[37:43] in the forest fight.

[37:44] There's this forest fight

Stuart Wellington

[37:45] where the Silver Mountain Bandits.

Elliott Kalan

[37:48] Which Stuart and I decided

[37:49] were also kind of

[37:50] a country western

[37:51] southern rock

[37:52] fusion band.

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] Yeah,

[37:53] so the Silver Mountain Bandits

[37:54] led by Dusty Bandit.

[37:56] Luckily,

[37:57] so they ambushed

[37:58] the Black Guard

[37:59] and luckily

[37:59] they confused everybody

[38:01] including the viewer

[38:02] by wearing all black.

[38:03] So you have no idea

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] who's a goodie

[38:04] or who's a baddie.

[38:05] Everyone looks the same

[38:06] because they're all

[38:07] wearing black

[38:08] with black masks.

[38:09] There is one great moment

[38:10] where a guy gets a rope

[38:11] tied around him

[38:12] and he's lifted up

[38:12] in a tree

[38:13] and then two arrows

[38:14] fly at him

[38:14] from different directions

[38:15] and it's like

[38:16] how many people

[38:17] are dedicated

[38:17] to fighting this one guy?

[38:20] But the heroes

[38:21] are taken in.

[38:22] They're all beaten up

[38:23] and bruised

[38:23] and Hayden Christian

[38:24] had a sword

[38:25] put in his chest

[38:26] which did not kill him

[38:27] because he's stronger

[38:28] than the king

[38:28] and it is revealed to us

[38:31] who is the king

[38:31] of the Silver Mountain Bandits.

[38:33] Who is the white ghost

[38:35] themselves?

[38:35] I have no idea.

[38:36] I'm on the edge

[38:37] of my seat.

[38:37] What could be the only thing

[38:39] that might save a scene

[38:40] in the movie?

[38:41] Nicolas Cage is back.

[38:42] Is he missing an eye?

[38:44] Yes.

[38:44] Does he have snakes

[38:45] wrapped around each

[38:46] of his hands?

[38:47] Yes.

[38:47] Has his English accent

[38:48] gotten worse

[38:49] since the beginning

[38:49] of the movie?

[38:50] Oh yes, by far.

[38:52] He's like,

[38:53] at this point

[38:53] he is just like

[38:54] if Bluto was pretending

[38:55] to be a gentleman

[38:56] to woo olive oil.

[38:57] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[38:58] his accent

[39:01] has three flavors

[39:02] which is

[39:02] normal Nicolas Cage,

[39:05] British,

[39:06] and sort of Scottish

[39:08] but they're all

[39:09] I would throw in also

[39:11] through like a bear growl.

[39:12] I would throw pirate

[39:13] in there too.

[39:14] No, it's all filtered

[39:15] through bear pirate.

Stuart Wellington

[39:17] And his costuming

[39:18] is not too far

[39:20] from what

[39:21] it feels like

[39:22] he just read a lot

[39:23] of Mike Mignola

[39:23] Hellboy comics

[39:24] and he's like,

[39:25] I want to look like

[39:26] Rasputin

[39:26] with these tentacles

[39:27] for hands.

[39:28] I'm going to be

[39:29] holding on to snakes

[39:29] in all these scenes,

[39:30] please.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] And I'm going to have

[39:31] like my hair swept back

[39:33] in kind of a ponytail

[39:33] like Hellboy.

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] And I'm going to have

[39:36] a big scar on my eye.

[39:38] I do not want

[39:39] an eye patch.

[39:40] I want to show the world

[39:40] that I can act

[39:41] like a guy

[39:42] who has one eye squinted

[39:43] the whole time

[39:43] like Popeye.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] All roads lead to Popeye.

[39:48] Popeye town, that is.

[39:50] The central town.

[39:51] Now,

[39:52] the eye makeup

[39:53] also is very

[39:55] cheap and poorly done.

[39:56] And,

[39:57] and it looks a little

[39:58] bit like they,

[39:59] they had two options.

[40:00] Either a store bought

[40:02] Halloween scar

[40:03] piece of makeup

[40:04] or the makeup woman

[40:06] could just take her lipstick

[40:07] and draw a red slash

[40:08] over his eye.

[40:09] So they were like,

[40:10] you know what,

[40:10] the Halloween makeup

[40:10] doesn't look great.

[40:11] So we'll just do that.

[40:12] but he manages to bring

[40:14] a level of cartoonish

[40:15] to his performance

[40:17] that at least makes it fun

[40:18] when he's on.

[40:19] There's a part where he is,

[40:20] he's,

[40:21] he was the one,

[40:21] it turns out,

[40:22] who taught Hayden Christensen

[40:22] how to fight as a boy.

[40:24] Now Hayden Christensen

[40:25] is trying to teach the prince

[40:26] how to use a bow and arrow.

[40:28] And Nicolas Cage

[40:28] is just drinking out of it.

[40:29] Cycle of violence continues.

[40:31] Mm-hmm.

[40:32] Nicolas Cage is just

[40:32] drinking out of like a,

[40:34] like a canteen full of whiskey

[40:35] watching this,

[40:37] just talking like he is

[40:38] the sea captain from Tintin.

[40:40] Like he's such like a,

[40:42] like a,

[40:43] like a laughing bruiser.

[40:45] But,

[40:45] uh,

[40:46] he's,

[40:47] alas,

[40:48] not long for this world.

[40:50] As the Black Guard

[40:51] catches up to the

[40:52] Silver Mountain Bandits

[40:53] in their hidden mountain caves,

[40:55] uh,

[40:55] there's a big fight.

[40:56] Nicolas Cage goes out

[40:58] and fights a bunch of guys.

[41:00] There's,

[41:00] so,

[41:01] there's an army of about

[41:02] 50 people,

[41:03] let's say.

[41:04] Ten of the guys

[41:05] fight Nicolas Cage

[41:06] and he kills most of them

[41:07] while the other 40

[41:08] just stand and watch.

[41:09] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[41:09] And,

[41:10] uh,

[41:10] it's a very weird moment

[41:11] where you're like,

[41:12] why are not all these soldiers

[41:13] trying to help?

[41:14] Because,

[41:15] do they not notice

[41:16] that he's killing

[41:16] a bunch of their men?

[41:17] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] you'd think the other soldiers

[41:18] would be like,

[41:19] uh,

[41:19] I'm gonna have some explaining

[41:21] to do to that guy's wife.

[41:23] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] so you,

[41:24] wait,

[41:24] you just stood there

[41:25] and watched?

[41:26] It was kind of the rules

[41:27] of the battle

[41:28] that,

[41:29] uh,

[41:29] we just take our turns

[41:30] with him?

[41:30] Ew,

[41:31] he looked really tough.

[41:33] This movie loves

[41:34] single combat

[41:35] until a scene needs to end,

[41:37] in which case,

[41:37] that's when all the soldiers

[41:38] rush a person.

[41:39] Yeah.

[41:40] But like,

[41:40] ten guys will just come

[41:41] one after another

[41:42] up to a master fighter.

[41:44] The master fighter

[41:44] takes him down

[41:45] and then the rest

[41:45] of the grunts

[41:46] are like,

[41:47] well,

[41:47] movie's gotta get moving

[41:48] so let's all just rush him

[41:50] and hit him with our swords

[41:51] like we should've done

[41:52] at the beginning.

Dan McCoy

[41:53] Yeah,

[41:53] I mean,

[41:53] and this is like a trope

[41:54] obviously that's like

[41:55] been made fun of

[41:57] from like kung fu movies

[41:58] for a long time.

[41:59] Like,

[41:59] we're all just gonna

[42:00] fight them one at a time

[42:01] but for some reason

[42:02] it feels even more egregious

[42:03] when the people standing around

[42:04] like have swords

[42:06] and shields

[42:07] and armor.

[42:08] Like,

Stuart Wellington

[42:08] I would say-

[42:09] not as bad as like

[42:10] the Blade movies

[42:11] where Blade is fighting

[42:13] all these presumably

[42:14] immortal bad guys

[42:16] who are all also

[42:17] former stuntmen

[42:18] who one at a time

[42:21] run at him

[42:21] and he's like

[42:22] dead,

[42:23] dust,

[42:23] ash.

[42:24] And I'm like,

[42:25] man,

[42:25] they're immortal.

[42:26] You'd think they would

[42:26] try and organize it

[42:28] or just run away

[42:29] and just outlive Blade

[42:30] but I guess not.

[42:33] Steven Dorf tells them

[42:34] go kill Blade

[42:36] and they're like

[42:36] fuck it,

[42:37] okay.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] Yeah,

[42:37] and of course

[42:38] Dorf doesn't help him.

[42:39] Dorf just goes fishing

[42:39] or he plays golf.

Dan McCoy

[42:42] Yeah,

[42:42] yeah.

[42:43] He's got a lot of hobbies.

Elliott Kalan

[42:45] Just the two.

[42:46] Good for him.

[42:46] Just the two.

[42:47] Good for him.

Dan McCoy

[42:49] He's enjoying his retirement.

[42:51] He's got a long life

[42:53] as a very short businessman.

[42:55] I will say-

[42:56] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[42:57] I would imagine

[42:57] he was like

[42:58] a traveling salesman.

[43:00] Maybe where he was

[43:01] an accountant

[43:02] or a clerk

[43:02] or something like that.

[43:03] Yeah,

[43:04] not a high profile job

[43:05] but yeah.

[43:06] No,

[43:06] he wasn't president.

[43:07] I mean,

[43:07] he's got a good pension.

[43:08] Whatever it is.

[43:09] Yeah,

[43:09] he wasn't an ice dancer.

Elliott Kalan

[43:15] He never starred

[43:17] in a Bond film.

[43:19] Sure.

[43:20] Now,

[43:20] the Double O Dwarf,

[43:21] it's right there.

[43:22] Tim Conway,

[43:22] call me up.

[43:23] We'll make this together.

[43:24] I mean,

[43:24] he's certainly going to play

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] if they made a movie adaptation

[43:27] of the video game

[43:28] Goldeneye,

[43:29] he could easily play

[43:30] the odd job character.

[43:32] Only chosen by jerks.

Elliott Kalan

[43:34] I like-

[43:35] Because he's much shorter

[43:36] than everyone else.

[43:36] He said the odd job character

[43:38] as if odd job was a type

[43:39] and not a specific character.

Dan McCoy

[43:42] Now,

[43:43] Dan.

[43:43] I like remembering

[43:44] a simpler era

[43:45] in comedy

[43:46] where a comedic character

[43:48] could just have

[43:49] one thing about them

[43:50] and that's that they're short.

[43:51] Like,

[43:52] oh,

[43:52] it's funny

[43:53] because this guy is short.

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] Speaking as a short guy,

[43:55] I'm kind of glad

[43:56] we're past that sort of

[43:57] bigotry.

[43:59] Well,

[44:00] if you just stood up,

[44:01] Elliot.

[44:01] Well,

[44:01] you don't like bigotry,

[44:02] because it's big.

[44:03] Yeah,

[44:03] exactly,

[44:04] Dan.

[44:04] Maybe if you would

Stuart Wellington

[44:05] check your big person privilege.

[44:08] If only you just stood up

[44:09] instead of walking around

[44:10] on your knees

[44:11] all the time,

[44:11] Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[44:12] It's my religion,

[44:13] Stuart.

[44:13] I'm a short guy.

[44:15] I walk on my knees.

[44:16] Do you know how hard

[44:17] it is on my knees?

[44:18] It hurts a lot,

[44:19] but that's the price I pay

[44:21] to worship my god,

[44:23] dwarf.

[44:24] And yea,

[44:25] verily,

[44:26] did he go fishing.

[44:28] Now,

[44:28] Dan,

[44:29] here's the thing I'll say

[44:30] about the kung fu thing

[44:30] where it's one person

[44:31] attacking at a time.

[44:32] When it's a kung fu movie,

[44:33] I totally buy it

[44:34] because they each

[44:35] want to show their skill

[44:36] and it's an honor.

[44:38] They get a certain amount

[44:39] of glory by being the one

[44:40] who took down this guy

[44:41] and they all want

[44:42] their chance at that glory.

[44:43] But yeah,

[44:43] this is a bunch of dudes

[44:44] with swords just standing around.

[44:46] Like,

[44:46] they're soldiers.

[44:46] They're not...

[44:47] Yeah,

[44:47] they're an army.

[44:47] Yeah,

[44:48] of one at a time.

[44:51] But finally,

[44:52] now,

[44:53] I thought Nicolas Cage

[44:54] was doing this

[44:54] to buy time

[44:55] for Hayden Christensen

[44:55] and the prince

[44:56] and princess to escape.

[44:57] Turns out,

[44:58] they were just

[44:59] hanging around

[44:59] in the cave

[45:00] waiting for him to die.

[45:00] Like,

[45:01] looking around.

[45:01] Just looking around

[45:02] at shit

[45:03] and they walk outside.

[45:05] Looks like

[45:06] things are gonna go bad

[45:07] until the prince

[45:09] who has named himself king

[45:11] and declared that...

[45:12] So,

[45:13] the prince who killed

[45:13] the king,

[45:14] he framed his young brother

[45:16] and that's why

[45:17] his brother's on the run.

[45:18] Now,

[45:18] the prince decides,

[45:19] you know what?

[45:20] I could have them arrested

[45:21] or killed right now,

[45:23] but why don't I show

[45:24] that I'm the best

[45:25] by going into single combat

[45:27] with Hayden Christensen?

[45:27] And we've learned

Stuart Wellington

[45:28] that this dude

[45:28] is fucking ripped.

[45:30] He is molded.

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] Like,

[45:33] he looks amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[45:35] He's like,

[45:36] yo,

[45:36] I'm gonna do a

[45:37] Die Hard 2 training scene

[45:39] where I'm like

[45:39] almost naked

[45:40] and battling like

[45:42] five dudes.

[45:42] He's just not wearing a shirt.

[45:43] He's wearing pants

[45:44] the whole time.

[45:44] I mean,

[45:44] that's 50%,

[45:46] Elliot.

[45:46] I think that counts

[45:48] as almost.

[45:48] 50% naked.

Dan McCoy

[45:50] Whenever I'm not wearing pants,

[45:51] I think to myself,

[45:52] I'm 50% naked right now.

[45:54] Wait,

[45:54] you're wearing a shirt

[45:55] with no pants?

[45:56] That's right,

[45:56] I'm Porky Piggy.

[45:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] Yeah,

[46:00] that was the original title

[46:01] for the Winnie the Pooh books.

[46:04] 50% naked.

Dan McCoy

[46:07] That's what they're called

[46:09] in Japan.

[46:10] 50% naked bear.

[46:14] And friends.

Elliott Kalan

[46:16] And naked friends.

[46:18] Really?

[46:19] And young boy.

[46:20] Except for whatever

[46:21] the hell that thing is

[46:21] that Piglet's wearing,

[46:22] everybody's naked

[46:23] in that book

[46:24] except for Pooh.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] Yeah,

[46:25] it's true.

[46:26] Yeah,

[46:26] Piglet's,

[46:27] yeah,

[46:27] it's 50% naked pig,

[46:29] small pig,

[46:30] and bear friend.

[46:32] Rated R.

Elliott Kalan

[46:34] For nudity,

[46:35] clearly.

[46:36] Dan,

[46:37] how many kids

[46:37] do you think

[46:38] went into

[46:38] Winnie the Pooh books

[46:39] and just drew penises

[46:40] flopping out?

[46:42] Was I the only one?

[46:44] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[46:45] All right,

[46:45] what about

[46:45] Your mother and I

[46:46] have been meaning

[46:46] to talk to you about that?

[46:48] What about

Dan McCoy

[46:48] Carl Barks Duck Comics?

[46:50] Oh,

[46:50] I mean,

[46:51] you know,

[46:51] that's natural.

[46:53] Yeah,

[46:53] I mean,

[46:53] he's a very wealthy duck.

[46:54] Of course he's got a penis.

[46:56] No,

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] of course he's got a penis

[46:58] because he's a wealthy duck.

[47:01] Only the richest of ducks

[47:02] can afford them.

Stuart Wellington

[47:04] The maintenance alone

[47:05] costs into the,

[47:07] I don't know,

[47:07] duck coins?

[47:08] What kind of money do they use?

[47:09] Yeah,

[47:10] they use duck coins.

Elliott Kalan

[47:11] They use bitcoin.

[47:12] Number one dimes?

[47:13] Number one dimes.

[47:16] There was an,

[47:17] I wonder if someone

[47:18] would find this,

[47:18] a listener,

[47:18] there was an old

[47:19] science fiction story

[47:20] that I think was in Asimov's

[47:21] in an issue of that

[47:22] about a person who

[47:23] had,

[47:24] in the future,

[47:25] who had to,

[47:25] you had to earn

[47:26] a certain amount of money

[47:27] to earn a penis.

[47:27] that it was a,

[47:28] it was a women dominated world

[47:30] and the men were all

[47:31] kind of like worker drones

[47:32] who had to earn enough money

[47:33] to buy a penis.

[47:35] Well,

[47:35] somebody find that.

[47:36] Anyway,

[47:37] so the prince,

[47:38] who's now the king,

[47:39] decides,

[47:40] I'm gonna do single combat

[47:40] with Hayden Christensen

[47:41] and he wins for a while

[47:43] and the audience is like,

[47:45] yes.

[47:46] The audience is like,

[47:47] kill Anakin.

[47:49] Just wait for him

[47:49] to jump at you

[47:50] and chop off his arms

[47:51] and legs.

[47:51] And Anakin's like,

[47:52] from my point of view,

[47:54] you're the bad guy.

[47:58] is thrown off

[47:58] because he doesn't know

[47:59] how to fight in a world

[47:59] without floating platforms

[48:00] over lava.

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:02] But he ends up winning.

Stuart Wellington

[48:03] And he's a little distracted

[48:04] because earlier in the movie,

[48:05] he was in a scene

[48:06] with sand,

[48:07] his greatest enemy,

Elliott Kalan

[48:08] because it gets in his butt.

Dan McCoy

[48:11] that's the last one.

Elliott Kalan

[48:11] Is that the line

[48:12] in episode two?

Dan McCoy

[48:13] I hate saying it,

[48:14] it gets in my butt.

[48:15] Not like you.

[48:16] You don't get in my butt.

[48:17] Unless I let you.

[48:19] Unless you're interested.

[48:20] Unless you're into that,

[48:20] in which case,

[48:21] if we could talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] Whatever.

[48:23] As long as we're

[48:24] safe with each other,

[48:25] I think we can really

[48:26] push our boundaries

[48:27] in the bedroom.

Dan McCoy

[48:28] Two consenting adults.

Stuart Wellington

[48:29] And she's like,

[48:30] why don't you ride around

[48:31] on one of those

[48:32] weird tick cow things?

Dan McCoy

[48:34] Yeah.

[48:34] Then we'll talk

[48:35] about the butt.

[48:37] Later.

Elliott Kalan

[48:39] we're there yet,

[48:39] Anakin.

[48:41] Annie.

[48:41] I'm just saying

[48:45] we could role play

[48:45] and I could be

[48:46] a submissive in it.

[48:47] Yeah,

[48:47] we'll just see what happens.

[48:48] She's like,

[48:49] okay,

Stuart Wellington

[48:49] well,

[48:49] I'm definitely

[48:50] going to be a Gamorian.

Elliott Kalan

[48:53] That's her thing.

[48:54] Let me play

[48:55] a bedroom game

[48:55] called The Rancor

[48:56] and His Keeper.

Stuart Wellington

[49:01] Yummy,

[49:02] yummy,

[49:02] I'm a Rancor.

[49:06] Oh,

[49:07] I'm falling into the pit.

[49:09] I hope this Rancor

Elliott Kalan

[49:10] doesn't take advantage of me.

[49:11] Yummy,

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] I'm going to pick you up now.

[49:13] The weird thing is

[49:14] the Rancor is the

[49:15] submissive one

[49:15] in that relationship.

[49:18] Yeah,

[49:18] I guess you're right.

[49:19] Because when you're

[49:19] that powerful,

[49:20] the real fantasy

[49:21] is to not be

[49:22] in the seat of power.

[49:24] Oh,

[49:24] no kidding.

[49:25] Your real fantasy

[49:25] is to be at the mercy

[49:26] of someone else,

[49:27] to have that responsibility

[49:28] taken off their shoulders.

[49:29] Yeah,

[49:29] exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[49:30] It's kind of like

[49:31] that movie Face Off

[49:33] where the one guy

[49:33] takes his face off

[49:34] and he puts on

[49:35] the other guy's face.

[49:36] It's nothing like that.

Elliott Kalan

[49:38] It's in no way like that.

[49:39] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[49:39] he wanted to give up control.

Elliott Kalan

[49:41] Yeah,

[49:41] it's a little like that movie

[49:42] The Adventures of Milo and Otis

[49:44] or Milo and Otis

[49:45] have an adventure.

[49:45] They take off

[49:46] each other's faces in that?

[49:48] Yeah.

[49:49] That was a scene

[49:50] that was cut

[49:50] from the initial

[49:51] The sexual adventures

[49:52] of Milo and Otis.

[49:53] The erotic adventures

[49:54] of Milo and Otis.

Stuart Wellington

[49:57] Featuring Milo,

[49:58] Otis,

[49:58] and Sylvia Crystal.

[50:00] Milo Manara,

[50:01] maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[50:02] Hey-oh!

[50:03] Italian porn comics joke.

[50:05] Now,

[50:06] so they have

[50:07] this single combat fight.

[50:08] Nicolas Cage wins

[50:10] and at the last minute,

[50:12] so throughout the whole movie

[50:13] there's been this

[50:13] running character

[50:14] of this one

[50:16] black guard member

[50:16] who thinks something's

[50:18] kind of fishy

[50:18] with the prince

[50:19] and he just stands

[50:20] in the background

[50:21] of all the scenes

[50:22] and just has a concerned

[50:23] look on his face.

[50:24] Through the entire

[50:25] final fighting,

[50:26] he just has this

[50:27] concerned look

[50:28] on his face

[50:29] and then finally

[50:30] he makes his move

[50:32] which is to tell

[50:33] the archers

[50:33] not to help

[50:34] the prince

[50:34] in his fight

[50:35] and then when

[50:36] the prince is dead

[50:36] he just says like,

[50:38] uh...

[50:38] This is after

Stuart Wellington

[50:39] the prince

[50:39] kills the princess

[50:40] who was steadily

[50:42] developing kind of

[50:43] a love interest

Elliott Kalan

[50:45] in Hayden Christensen.

[50:45] thought he killed

[50:46] the princess

[50:47] but then she seems

[50:48] to be at the end

[50:48] of the movie again.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] Oh, really?

[50:50] I was amazed.

[50:51] I couldn't tell.

[50:52] I thought the movie

[50:52] ended when he built

[50:53] that, uh,

[50:54] the cairn of stones

[50:55] for Nicolas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[50:57] Yeah, and his wife

[50:58] but not for the princess

[50:59] who's still alive.

[51:00] The princess is there?

Stuart Wellington

[51:01] Yeah.

[51:01] But she got stabbed

[51:02] in the tummy.

[51:03] That's like a death sentence.

Dan McCoy

[51:04] Like Hayden Christensen

[51:05] also got totally stabbed.

Elliott Kalan

[51:07] I mean, Hayden Christensen

[51:08] got stabbed so many times

[51:10] in this movie.

[51:11] He's like a pin cushion.

[51:12] He's like a reverse porcupine.

[51:13] He's just getting stabbed

[51:14] like crazy.

[51:16] He's like a regular

[51:17] Saint Valentine.

[51:17] Reverse porcupine in it.

[51:19] Yes.

[51:20] And so,

[51:21] by the end of it,

[51:22] uh,

[51:22] order has been restored

[51:24] and the army bows

[51:25] to the will

[51:26] of this 14-year-old

[51:27] good-for-nothing

[51:28] who's just been

[51:29] running around going,

[51:30] ha, ha, ha,

[51:31] save me, protector.

[51:34] Pay no mind

[51:35] to the dirt on my face

[51:36] for I am

[51:37] the Prince Regent.

[51:38] Oh, this is just

[51:39] some ragamuffin,

[51:40] some street Arab.

[51:41] How can we listen

[51:42] to his comments?

[51:43] A washcloth,

[51:44] if you please.

[51:45] Kill him now.

[51:46] Before I die,

[51:48] might I ask

[51:48] for one final favor?

[51:50] A wet washcloth?

[51:51] Well, we're going

[51:52] to sacrifice him

[51:53] for his temerity anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[51:54] Luckily, I carry these

[51:55] because I'm a guard

[51:57] in the Prince's

[51:57] blackguard.

Elliott Kalan

[51:59] As a lover of barbecue,

[52:00] I carry my own

[52:02] wet naps.

[52:03] Now observe

[52:03] my de-smudginging.

[52:05] It is the Prince.

[52:07] Oh, will you ever

[52:07] forgive me, sir?

[52:08] Take my life

[52:09] as payment

Stuart Wellington

[52:10] for my misdeeds.

Elliott Kalan

[52:13] And everything

[52:14] is right in the world.

[52:17] goes off again

[52:18] to continue

[52:19] his warrior's pilgrimage

[52:20] to ease his soul.

Dan McCoy

[52:22] The end.

[52:23] Yeah, I think

[52:24] we can go through

[52:25] Final Judgment.

Stuart Wellington

[52:26] Is there like

[52:26] a to be continued?

[52:28] No.

[52:28] No, thankfully.

[52:29] So, who's the outcast

Elliott Kalan

[52:31] in the movie,

[52:32] Outcast?

[52:33] I guess,

[52:34] but nobody casts him out.

[52:35] He kind of chooses

[52:36] self-exile.

[52:37] Maybe Nicolas Cage

[52:38] is the outcast?

[52:40] From, I mean,

[52:41] from Western civilization.

[52:43] Yeah, he's just...

Stuart Wellington

[52:43] I guess that makes sense,

[52:44] but they really don't

[52:45] point that out

[52:46] at any point.

[52:46] He's tired of all

[52:47] the killing, man.

[52:48] But he keeps

[52:49] killing people.

[52:50] Yeah, but that's

[52:51] just the keep

[52:51] pulling back in.

[52:52] At no point is it

[52:53] a question that he's

[52:54] going to stop

[52:54] killing people.

[52:55] Look, some, you know,

[52:56] some men are just

[52:57] built for killing.

[52:57] That's the...

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] I mean, the fact

[52:59] that he still carries

[53:00] his sword around

[53:00] is kind of suspicious.

[53:01] And if they call

Stuart Wellington

[53:02] an outcast,

[53:02] I would think

[53:03] at some point

[53:03] he would say

[53:04] something about

[53:05] how he left

[53:06] behind Western civilization.

Elliott Kalan

[53:08] I think it's just

[53:08] kind of implied.

[53:11] I mean, they never

[53:11] really explain why

[53:12] he chose the Far East

[53:13] to go to.

[53:14] I guess he just...

[53:15] It was the place

[53:16] he could walk to

[53:17] from the Middle East.

Dan McCoy

[53:18] I guess.

[53:19] He can't walk to

[53:20] England from there

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] unless he had

[53:22] some kind of water shoes.

[53:24] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[53:25] Water shoes down.

Elliott Kalan

[53:29] Swarm, swarm.

[53:31] So, Dan,

[53:31] are we doing

[53:32] final judgments now?

Dan McCoy

[53:33] That was what

[53:33] I was trying to do.

[53:34] Final judgments.

[53:37] A bad, bad movie

[53:38] or a movie

[53:40] kind of like

[53:40] three options.

Stuart Wellington

[53:42] Only one can survive.

Dan McCoy

[53:44] Three options enter,

[53:45] one option leaves.

[53:46] I'm not going to

[53:46] talk at length.

[53:47] I'm just going to say

[53:48] this movie was

[53:49] really boring.

Elliott Kalan

[53:51] Bad, bad.

[53:52] It was bad, bad.

[53:53] It was boring

[53:54] and cheap looking

[53:55] and not even

[53:56] a few minutes

[53:57] of Nicolas Cage

[53:58] doing the broadest

[53:59] worst English accent

[54:00] this side of

[54:01] Stuart's

[54:02] Daniel Craig impression

[54:03] could save the film.

Stuart Wellington

[54:05] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[54:05] It's the exact opposite

[54:06] of my Daniel Craig impression.

[54:08] Not what I would say.

[54:09] Yeah, I'd say

[54:10] it's bad, bad.

[54:11] Pretty early on

[54:12] I was like,

[54:13] if only Hayden Christensen

[54:14] got swapped out

[54:15] with Guy Pearce

[54:16] from Space Jail.

[54:18] Give me the lockup.

[54:18] That didn't actually happen.

Dan McCoy

[54:20] No.

[54:20] So, if you can find

[54:21] like a YouTube

[54:22] compilation

[54:23] of Nicolas Cage

[54:24] in this movie

[54:25] and you just spend

[54:26] five minutes

[54:26] watching that,

[54:27] that might be

[54:27] That might be worthwhile.

[54:28] That's the way

[54:29] you pitch a lot

[54:30] of movies though.

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] If you only watch

Dan McCoy

[54:34] the good parts

[54:35] it's a good movie.

[54:36] No, that's the way

[54:37] I pitch movies.

[54:38] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[54:39] All right.

[54:40] I'm the head

[54:40] of MGM UA.

[54:42] What's your movie pitch?

Dan McCoy

[54:43] All right.

[54:44] I'm going to make

[54:44] a terrible movie

[54:46] but it's just going

[54:46] to be boring.

[54:47] It's not going to have

[54:48] anything interesting

[54:48] about it.

[54:49] It's just going

[54:49] to be boring

[54:50] except there's going

[54:50] to be seven minutes

[54:52] of it that are

[54:53] totally zany.

Stuart Wellington

[54:54] Seven minutes?

[54:55] That's perfect

[54:55] for YouTube.

[54:56] That's literally

[54:57] the tail wagging

[54:58] the dog.

Dan McCoy

[54:58] We've been looking

[54:59] for ways to go virile.

[55:01] So I'm going

[55:02] to make this whole movie

[55:02] and then we're just

[55:03] going to release it

[55:04] and let someone else

[55:05] cut it down

[55:06] and put it on YouTube

[55:07] and we're not going

[55:08] to make any money

[55:09] off of that YouTube clip.

[55:10] Oh, thank goodness.

[55:11] And that's my movie, guys.

[55:12] What do you say?

Stuart Wellington

[55:14] How much does

[55:15] the movie cost, Elliot?

[55:16] Like $100?

[55:17] Here's $100.

Elliott Kalan

[55:20] Thanks.

[55:21] Now see you in hell.

[55:22] Bang, bang, bang, bang.

[55:23] Go over and take

[55:24] that $100 bill back.

[55:26] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[55:27] And that's how

[55:28] the Silver Mountain Bandits

[55:29] got their start.

Elliott Kalan

[55:30] Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now.

[55:33] I would go along

[55:34] with this bad, bad rating.

[55:35] It was super boring.

[55:37] It was super dull,

[55:38] which is a synonym

[55:39] for boring, I guess.

[55:41] Call me super boring

Stuart Wellington

[55:42] as long as I'm super.

Elliott Kalan

[55:43] You had a character

[55:44] who...

[55:45] Thanks.

[55:46] Still looking at me, huh?

[55:47] As long as...

Stuart Wellington

[55:48] You don't call me late

[55:49] for dinner.

Elliott Kalan

[55:50] It was a movie

[55:51] that seemed to be...

[55:53] Call me super boring.

[55:55] Just don't call me late

[55:56] late for dinner.

[55:58] Why would I call you that

[56:00] unless you are?

[56:01] The power to be called

[56:02] that or not

[56:03] is in your hands.

[56:04] Don't be late for dinner.

[56:06] Dinner is at a set time.

[56:08] Be there at that time

[56:10] and I won't call you that.

[56:11] Just don't ever

[56:12] call me that.

[56:12] I don't want to.

[56:14] I don't have a reason to.

[56:15] It's part of the

[56:15] leprechaun's curse.

[56:16] Even if you were

[56:17] late for dinner,

[56:18] why would I call

[56:19] attention to it?

Stuart Wellington

[56:20] More food for me.

[56:22] That's all I'm thinking.

[56:24] Why would I ruin

[56:26] a good thing?

[56:27] And it's just gonna

[56:28] eat up minutes

[56:28] on your phone plan

[56:29] to call me.

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] Say late for dinner.

[56:32] Hey, is that you

[56:33] late for dinner?

[56:34] And then hang up.

[56:35] I hate that.

[56:36] I mean, text,

[56:37] but I've only got

[56:38] a limited number

[56:38] of texts for months.

Dan McCoy

[56:39] You're missing the upside.

[56:40] We get to call them

[56:41] super boring

[56:41] as much as we want.

[56:43] Okay, super boring.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] It was like the movie was...

[56:46] Like Judy Blume.

[56:48] Tales of a Fourth Grade Boring.

[56:49] It was like the movie

[56:51] was devoted to avoiding

[56:53] any sort of sense of humor

[56:54] or liveliness or fun

[56:56] and wanted to be as stale

[56:58] as it could be,

[56:59] which is too bad.

[57:00] Because, again,

[57:01] Nicolas Cage,

[57:02] bad English accent.

Stuart Wellington

[57:02] If they had just been like,

[57:04] yeah, this is in a fantasy world

[57:05] and include one scene

[57:07] with a character doing magic,

[57:08] I'd have been like,

[57:09] great, perfect.

[57:10] Perfect.

S5

[57:14] I listen to Bullseye

[57:15] because no show

[57:16] does a better job

[57:17] of showcasing

[57:18] the best creators

[57:19] we have today.

Dan McCoy

[57:20] It's like the line

[57:21] of notes on a favorite album,

[57:23] but for everything in culture.

S4

[57:25] It makes me happy

[57:26] to hear music

[57:26] I've never heard before,

[57:28] voices I'd never thought

[57:29] to listen to,

[57:30] and culture recommendations

[57:31] that are outside

[57:32] my comfort zone.

[57:34] That's why I listen

[57:34] to Bullseye.

[57:36] You should, too.

Dan McCoy

[57:37] Bullseye's your guide

[57:38] to what's good

[57:38] from MaximumFun.org

[57:40] and NPR.

Stuart Wellington

[57:43] So that was all

[57:44] of our final judgments.

[57:45] Dan, is this when

[57:45] we wrap up the podcast

[57:46] and go to bed?

Elliott Kalan

[57:47] Good night, everybody.

[57:48] Now to go to sleep

[57:49] in the bed

[57:50] we all share together.

[57:52] Scoot over.

[57:53] I call dibs on the middle.

[57:56] I call dibs

[57:57] on the one pillow.

Dan McCoy

[57:59] Wanted to take a moment

[58:02] to plug the second

[58:04] Bell House live show

[58:06] that we've added

Elliott Kalan

[58:07] to the roster.

[58:08] Now why did we add

[58:09] this second show, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[58:10] Because the first one

[58:11] sold out in five days.

[58:12] Oh, thanks to you guys.

[58:13] Thanks to the listeners

[58:14] and the buyers.

[58:15] Thanks, everybody.

[58:16] I sincerely hope,

[58:18] now that I'm plugging this,

[58:19] that the second show

[58:19] hasn't sold out

[58:20] in between the recording

[58:22] and the posting of this.

Stuart Wellington

[58:23] Although I actually

[58:23] would not mind that that much.

[58:25] That would be so bad.

[58:26] Yeah.

[58:26] In the grand scheme

[58:27] of things.

Dan McCoy

[58:29] But, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] Like having to watch

[58:30] Outcast again

[58:31] or selling out

[58:33] before this thing airs.

[58:35] I'd pick...

[58:35] I'd not watch

Dan McCoy

[58:36] Outcast again.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] Yeah.

[58:38] I'm gonna put Dan

[58:39] on the spot right now,

[58:40] Elliot.

[58:40] Okay.

[58:41] And have him announce

[58:42] what movies we're gonna

[58:43] watch on Friday

[58:43] and what movie

[58:44] we're gonna watch

[58:45] on Saturday.

[58:45] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[58:46] Oh.

[58:48] I'm gonna arbitrarily say

[58:50] we have two movies under...

[58:52] You're gonna flip a mind coin.

[58:53] We've got two movies

[58:54] under consideration.

[58:55] You heard it here first, folks.

[58:57] Unless we told you

[58:58] another time.

[58:59] And the only question was

[59:00] which movie

[59:01] we're gonna watch

[59:01] which night.

[59:02] I'm gonna arbitrarily say

[59:04] that we're gonna watch

[59:05] and discuss

[59:06] the Entourage movie

[59:09] on Friday.

[59:10] Okay.

[59:11] And Fantastic Four

[59:12] on Saturday.

Elliott Kalan

[59:12] Oh, man.

[59:13] The Roger Corman

[59:14] Fantastic Four.

[59:15] Uh, no.

[59:16] The new one.

[59:16] Oh, the new one.

[59:17] The Fantastic Four movie

[59:18] with, like, Jessica Alba

[59:19] as a woman.

Stuart Wellington

[59:21] No, the new one.

[59:21] The one where

[59:22] the silver server

[59:22] rises all over your face.

[59:26] There's a...

[59:27] Oh, boy.

[59:28] There's a Josh...

[59:28] No, the one with

Dan McCoy

[59:29] Whiplash in it.

[59:29] Trank?

[59:30] Trask?

[59:31] Trinsk?

[59:32] Uh, yeah.

[59:34] Yeah.

[59:35] Josh Trank?

[59:36] Yeah, the...

[59:37] It's got the Kate Mara

[59:38] and the Michael B. Jordan

[59:40] in it.

[59:40] And Whiplash.

[59:42] Who's Whiplash?

Elliott Kalan

[59:43] Uh, from the film Whiplash?

[59:45] Oh, yeah.

[59:45] Yes.

[59:46] Yeah, what's his name?

[59:47] Everlasting Beautiful Now

[59:48] or whatever it's called?

Stuart Wellington

[59:48] He plays Creed Richardson.

[59:51] He's got his arms

[59:52] wide open.

[59:53] Way open.

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] That used to be

[59:57] like my dad

[59:58] trying to explain

[59:59] the Fantastic Four.

[1:00:02] Anyway.

[1:00:03] Then there's

[1:00:04] Sue Lynn Storn.

[1:00:06] She's the visible woman.

[1:00:08] You can see her

[1:00:09] no matter what's going on.

[1:00:10] I think that's

[1:00:10] Saturday Night Live bit.

[1:00:12] Oh, is it?

[1:00:12] Yeah.

[1:00:12] So there you go.

[1:00:14] Okay, then she's

[1:00:15] the divisible woman.

[1:00:16] You can cut her in half.

[1:00:17] It's fresh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:18] Certified fresh.

[1:00:19] Rotten Tomatoes.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:21] It's a Flophouse scoop.

[1:00:23] Flophouse exclusive.

[1:00:24] Two widely reviled films

[1:00:26] from the last year

[1:00:27] discussed by us

[1:00:28] at the Bell House.

[1:00:29] So Friday,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:30] Entourage,

[1:00:31] Saturday,

[1:00:31] fantastic four.

[1:00:33] And so maybe

[1:00:34] if you got tickets

[1:00:34] to one and not the other,

[1:00:35] set up some sort

[1:00:36] of elaborate swap system

[1:00:37] if you prefer

[1:00:38] the other movie.

[1:00:38] I'm not getting involved.

[1:00:39] Do swapsies.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:42] Hey, here's a thought.

[1:00:45] This is inspired by...

[1:00:47] A true story.

[1:00:49] I read an article

[1:00:50] about the McElroys

[1:00:52] getting...

[1:00:54] The McElroy brothers

[1:00:55] are friends

[1:00:55] from My Brother,

[1:00:56] My Brother and Me

[1:00:57] and Mr. Zone.

[1:00:59] Good guys.

[1:01:00] Funny guys.

[1:01:01] Looks like they're

[1:01:01] in development

[1:01:02] for a show

[1:01:03] for NBC's

[1:01:04] streaming comedy

[1:01:07] network.

[1:01:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:01:10] CISO.

[1:01:10] Which, you know,

[1:01:12] raises the question,

[1:01:13] where's our fucking show?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:16] Wow.

[1:01:17] I thought this was your chance.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:17] No, no, congratulations.

[1:01:18] Yeah, I thought this was

[1:01:19] your chance to congratulate you.

[1:01:20] I thought you were

[1:01:21] going to be nice to them.

[1:01:21] No, I genuine congratulations.

[1:01:23] No one deserves it

[1:01:24] more than them.

[1:01:24] They make me laugh

[1:01:26] every week,

[1:01:28] every time.

[1:01:29] I've re-listened

[1:01:30] to several episodes.

[1:01:31] I dare say they're

[1:01:32] some of my favorite podcasters.

[1:01:34] But we gotta get on

[1:01:35] the fucking ball, guys.

[1:01:37] We gotta get on

[1:01:38] the fucking ball.

[1:01:39] I like ball guys

[1:01:40] as much as the next guy.

[1:01:42] But this is all preamble.

[1:01:43] This is a...

[1:01:44] To what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:45] Where is this going?

[1:01:46] You ran none of this by us.

[1:01:48] This is a congratulate.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:51] This is the most

[1:01:52] backhanded congratulations.

[1:01:53] This is off the top

[1:01:54] of the dome, guys.

[1:01:55] This is a...

[1:01:56] Maybe let's go

[1:01:57] under the dome.

[1:01:57] It gets darkest

[1:01:58] before the dawn, Elliot.

[1:01:58] Maybe this should be

[1:01:59] kept under the dome.

[1:02:01] Congratulations to them.

[1:02:02] But also, I was...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:04] Is this like Dan's...

[1:02:07] He's gotta keep

[1:02:08] one foot on shore.

[1:02:12] Oh, I forgot

[1:02:12] this is our...

[1:02:13] I'll congratulate them,

[1:02:14] but I gotta make sure

[1:02:14] everyone knows

[1:02:15] that we're important to you.

[1:02:16] Our new regular segment,

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:17] Dan's 15-minute crank.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:20] No, I was reading

[1:02:20] this article about...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:23] We're in the Times?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:26] God damn it.

[1:02:26] Just let me...

[1:02:27] I was reading

[1:02:28] an article about this.

[1:02:31] It was on their

[1:02:32] Candle Night show

[1:02:32] and they're talking about

[1:02:33] also how the McElroys

[1:02:36] had helped very much

[1:02:38] with a local charity.

[1:02:42] Okay, now take down charities.

[1:02:43] Yeah, the My Brother,

[1:02:44] My Brother and Me Angels.

[1:02:46] I forget the name

[1:02:47] of the charity

[1:02:47] that helped out.

[1:02:48] It was a Christmas...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:50] What was it?

[1:02:51] The MBM Angels.

[1:02:54] Is that real?

[1:02:55] Yeah.

[1:02:55] You making it up?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:56] No, that's what

[1:02:57] they say on the show.

[1:02:58] I just...

[1:02:59] It really touched me

[1:03:00] to read that they

[1:03:01] had done that.

[1:03:02] I appreciate that.

[1:03:03] Show me on this doll

[1:03:03] where it touched you.

[1:03:04] I'm just saying

[1:03:05] that we have

[1:03:07] a certain amount

[1:03:08] of power on this show

[1:03:08] and we have never

[1:03:10] thrown it behind

[1:03:10] doing anything good.

[1:03:12] And I want to take

[1:03:14] a cue from those guys

[1:03:16] and say,

[1:03:16] it's the holiday season.

[1:03:18] Pay it forward.

[1:03:19] This is really...

[1:03:20] This has been an emotional

[1:03:21] rollercoaster ride.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:22] This announcement

[1:03:22] went from,

[1:03:24] hey, congrats to those guys.

[1:03:25] Good for them.

[1:03:26] Fuck them.

[1:03:26] Where's our money?

[1:03:27] Then they did something nice.

[1:03:29] We don't do nice things.

[1:03:30] Maybe we should.

[1:03:31] It's like,

[1:03:31] I don't know

[1:03:32] where you're coming from, Dan.

[1:03:33] I don't know what...

Dan McCoy

[1:03:34] I'm saying,

[1:03:36] it touched me.

[1:03:36] The spirit...

[1:03:37] If the spirit moves you

[1:03:38] this holiday season,

[1:03:40] why not give to charity?

[1:03:42] Why not do something nice?

[1:03:43] Why not...

[1:03:44] Will you be doing that?

[1:03:45] I'll try.

[1:03:47] He's had a rough go.

[1:03:49] It's true.

[1:03:50] I know, but in part,

[1:03:52] I think because I've had

[1:03:53] a rough go,

[1:03:54] in part because I'm feeling

[1:03:54] a little down this holiday season,

[1:03:56] I say,

[1:03:57] you know,

[1:03:57] the only thing that really

[1:03:58] makes you feel better

[1:03:59] is helping other people.

[1:04:01] So why not do that?

[1:04:02] I agree with a lot...

[1:04:04] with parts of Dan's sentiment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:06] I agree with the...

[1:04:07] I feel like if I had been

Dan McCoy

[1:04:09] able to get through this

[1:04:10] without being interrupted

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:11] at every turn...

[1:04:12] No way,

[1:04:13] no.

[1:04:14] Have you...

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] What podcast have you been on?

[1:04:16] At no point did we interrupt you

[1:04:18] in such a way

[1:04:18] that you had to drop F-bombs,

[1:04:20] demand a show,

[1:04:22] shit on the people

[1:04:23] that you were congratulating.

[1:04:24] I never shit on them.

[1:04:27] I never...

[1:04:28] Shit on by implication.

[1:04:28] I shit on us

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:29] for not being as proactive as me.

[1:04:31] So, yeah,

[1:04:32] help out in your local community.

[1:04:34] And special thanks to our network,

[1:04:36] MaxFun,

[1:04:37] the McElroy Brothers,

[1:04:39] a variety of shows,

[1:04:40] My Brother,

[1:04:41] My Brother,

[1:04:41] Me,

[1:04:41] Sawbones,

[1:04:42] Adventure Zone,

[1:04:43] and all the other great shows

[1:04:46] on our network.

[1:04:47] That's what I'm thankful for.

[1:04:48] Thank you, Stuart,

[1:04:49] for pulling us out of that death spiral.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:51] Dan, do not...

[1:04:53] All the ships at sea.

[1:04:54] No, I don't...

[1:04:55] I mean,

[1:04:55] that was really Walter Winship.

[1:04:57] Yeah, I understand.

[1:04:58] I'm not gonna argue with you.

[1:05:00] I feel like the sentiment

[1:05:02] that I was expressing

[1:05:04] has been grossly distorted.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:05] You landed on a very nice sentiment.

[1:05:08] Mm-hmm.

[1:05:08] After a wild path

[1:05:10] through the skies.

[1:05:13] You know what?

[1:05:14] Watching that was like

[1:05:15] watching one of the...

[1:05:17] Watching Baby's Day Out

[1:05:18] or like a Mr. Magoo cartoon

[1:05:19] where someone is sleepwalking

[1:05:21] through a construction site

[1:05:22] and girders just happen

[1:05:23] to be falling

[1:05:24] into the right position

[1:05:25] for them to not fall

[1:05:26] to their deaths

[1:05:27] and then they finally

[1:05:28] get through it.

[1:05:28] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:28] I don't understand.

[1:05:29] You think that it was artless

[1:05:32] but maybe it was

[1:05:33] one of those monologues,

[1:05:36] those monologues

[1:05:37] that take you

[1:05:38] on an emotional journey

[1:05:39] and land you

[1:05:40] in the right place.

[1:05:41] You're the Gene Shepard

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:41] of our time.

[1:05:42] Dan's saying

[1:05:43] he intentionally

[1:05:44] did a heel turn

[1:05:45] to let us show off

[1:05:48] what good guys we were.

[1:05:49] So we could be

Dan McCoy

[1:05:50] the baby faces, yeah.

[1:05:51] Oh, God.

[1:05:52] I was down on ourselves.

[1:05:53] I was never down on anyone.

[1:05:54] It was a real redemption story.

[1:05:57] I don't even want to...

[1:05:58] I don't even want to write...

[1:06:00] I don't even want to read letters now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:01] Okay, so now's the...

[1:06:03] So I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:06:04] That's Stuart Wellington.

[1:06:05] Daniel, know you want to read letters.

[1:06:06] This is the letter segment

Dan McCoy

[1:06:07] of the show.

[1:06:08] Yeah, it goes like this.

[1:06:09] Starring you,

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:10] the Writers Inn.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:12] The Writers Inn?

[1:06:13] Is that a hotel?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:15] Yes, for Writers of Letters.

[1:06:17] Come on down

[1:06:17] to the Writers Inn.

[1:06:19] Here's your room.

[1:06:20] Typewriter included.

[1:06:21] Write a letter

[1:06:22] to the Flophouse.

[1:06:24] Room service

[1:06:25] costs extra.

[1:06:27] Write them a letter

[1:06:29] and then check out

[1:06:30] we got a lot of people

[1:06:31] who want to stay.

[1:06:33] Room's rented out

[1:06:33] by the hour.

[1:06:34] Shouldn't take you

[1:06:35] more than an hour

[1:06:36] to write that letter

Dan McCoy

[1:06:37] at the Writers Inn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:40] The Writers Inn

[1:06:41] is located on

[1:06:42] Writers Street.

[1:06:43] Any town

[1:06:44] America.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:46] Earth.

[1:06:47] This letter

[1:06:48] is from

[1:06:49] Kim,

[1:06:50] last name with L.

[1:06:51] She's from

[1:06:51] Melbourne, Australia.

[1:06:53] Oh, wow.

[1:06:54] We're sophisticated

[1:06:55] New York perverts.

[1:06:57] That's us,

[1:06:58] I guess, yeah.

[1:06:58] I just finished listening

[1:06:59] to your Fifty Shades

[1:07:00] of Grape episode

[1:07:01] and was compelled

[1:07:02] to write to you.

[1:07:03] Was that the

[1:07:04] supermarket brand

[1:07:05] of cola

[1:07:05] that we were drinking

[1:07:06] when we did it?

[1:07:07] As one of the most

[1:07:08] song-filled eps

[1:07:09] and in my humble opinion

[1:07:10] one of the funniest,

[1:07:12] it made me realize

[1:07:13] how gifted you all

[1:07:14] are musically.

[1:07:15] Listeners have long

[1:07:16] been aware of

[1:07:16] Elliot's perfect pitch

[1:07:17] and exceptional

[1:07:18] lyrical skill,

[1:07:20] but by the sound

[1:07:21] of things,

[1:07:21] two other two

[1:07:21] floppers have

[1:07:22] untapped melodic

[1:07:24] resources.

[1:07:25] So I'm wondering

[1:07:26] if one of your

[1:07:26] future adventures

[1:07:27] might be collaborating

[1:07:29] on a Busby Berkeley

[1:07:30] style musical

[1:07:30] extravaganza.

[1:07:32] In terms of story,

[1:07:33] I'd like to hear

[1:07:34] more of the illicit

[1:07:35] love affair between

[1:07:36] Tom Brokaw

[1:07:36] and Michael Caine.

[1:07:38] Perhaps the couple

[1:07:39] could seek assistance

[1:07:40] from Sex Coast

[1:07:41] Goort Booington.

[1:07:42] I'm imagining

[1:07:43] Stuart atop a

[1:07:44] revolving bed

[1:07:44] singing about the

[1:07:45] joys of post-coital

[1:07:46] bean dinners.

[1:07:48] And maybe

[1:07:48] a chorus line

[1:07:49] of Crypt Keepers

[1:07:50] could be involved

[1:07:51] somehow.

[1:07:52] I'd be interested

[1:07:52] to hear your thoughts.

[1:07:54] Hope you made it

[1:07:54] through this letter

[1:07:55] without too many

[1:07:55] interruptions, Dan.

[1:07:56] Well, this letter,

[1:07:57] not before.

[1:07:58] I'm rooting for you.

[1:07:59] Anywho, thanks for

[1:08:00] the laps.

[1:08:00] Don't stop the flop.

[1:08:02] Kim from Melbourne.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:04] Now, I like the idea

[1:08:05] of a chorus line

[1:08:05] of Crypt Keepers

[1:08:06] because their legs

[1:08:07] would fly off

[1:08:08] when they kicked

[1:08:08] because they're

[1:08:09] just a bunch of bones.

[1:08:10] Certainly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:11] And I would like

[1:08:12] to be on a revolving

[1:08:13] bed because I've

[1:08:14] never been on one

[1:08:15] of those and I

[1:08:16] think I would fall

[1:08:17] off or get sick.

[1:08:19] Yeah, it doesn't

[1:08:19] sound like a good

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:20] way to have sex,

[1:08:20] a revolving bed.

[1:08:21] Or sleep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:24] How many people

[1:08:25] do you think get

[1:08:25] the revolving bedroom

[1:08:26] and they're like,

[1:08:27] I'm totally gonna have

[1:08:28] sex and then they

[1:08:28] get a little bored

[1:08:29] and just fall asleep

[1:08:30] on it and then

[1:08:30] wake up and they're

[1:08:31] like, oh man,

[1:08:32] I was on a pizza

[1:08:33] all night.

[1:08:35] On a pizza all night?

[1:08:36] Yeah, yeah,

[1:08:37] because pizzas

[1:08:37] are round.

[1:08:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:40] Did I tell both of you?

[1:08:41] Also, the bed is

[1:08:42] full of tomato sauce.

[1:08:44] Yeah.

[1:08:45] Did I tell both of you

[1:08:45] guys that after my

[1:08:47] housewarming party

[1:08:48] I went to sleep

[1:08:49] and I woke up the

[1:08:50] next morning and I

[1:08:51] realized that I was

[1:08:51] sleeping on top of a

[1:08:53] bunch of coats I

[1:08:54] had cleared out of

[1:08:54] the front closet?

[1:08:56] I read your popular

[1:08:56] Facebook post about it.

[1:08:58] Mm-hmm.

[1:08:58] Yeah.

[1:09:00] So was that sexy?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] I guess.

[1:09:03] Yeah.

[1:09:03] Did you think you

[1:09:04] killed a guy and ate

[1:09:05] his entire body?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:07] Nothing was left

[1:09:08] but the coat.

[1:09:09] They're my own

[1:09:10] coats.

[1:09:11] Like, I feel like,

[1:09:12] you know, I don't

[1:09:13] know.

[1:09:13] Yeah, they're like

[1:09:14] discarded skins.

[1:09:15] Like a snake.

[1:09:19] This answer is

[1:09:20] taking a weird turn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] Once again, who

[1:09:23] did that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:24] So, yes, I think

[1:09:26] we're incredibly

[1:09:27] musical.

[1:09:27] We're super

[1:09:28] talented.

[1:09:29] Somebody, look,

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:30] where's our fucking

[1:09:31] Broadway show, Mel

[1:09:32] Brooks?

[1:09:34] Is that better?

[1:09:37] Okay, so thanks,

[1:09:39] Kim.

[1:09:40] Thanks for writing

[1:09:41] in, Kim.

[1:09:41] We appreciate that

[1:09:42] you like the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:44] This next letter

[1:09:45] is from Cecily,

[1:09:46] last name withheld.

[1:09:47] Tyson.

[1:09:49] Hi, gang.

[1:09:50] Hi, gang.

[1:09:50] Hopefully, Elliot

[1:09:51] sang a little ditty or

[1:09:52] two before the

[1:09:53] reading of this letter.

[1:09:54] Although it seems

[1:09:55] like every time

[1:09:55] someone mentions

[1:09:56] the song of the

[1:09:56] letter, Elliot

[1:09:57] hasn't actually done

[1:09:58] it.

[1:09:58] But I'll take my

[1:09:58] chances.

[1:09:59] This time, the

[1:10:01] bet was paid.

[1:10:02] Yeah.

[1:10:03] Anyway.

[1:10:03] Like Wesley Snipes

[1:10:04] said, always bet on

[1:10:04] letter song.

[1:10:05] What are your

[1:10:06] opinions on remakes?

[1:10:07] I've noticed you've

[1:10:08] only covered a few.

[1:10:09] Are they always bad?

[1:10:11] Good in theory?

[1:10:12] What are some remakes

[1:10:12] you've seen that flopped

[1:10:13] spectacularly or that

[1:10:15] you actually enjoyed?

[1:10:17] I enjoy the pacing of

[1:10:18] the more recent Ocean's

[1:10:19] Eleven more than the

[1:10:20] original.

[1:10:21] I'm on the edge of my

[1:10:22] seat for the Citizen

[1:10:22] Kaine remake starring

[1:10:24] Josh Gad as Kaine and

[1:10:25] Shirley MacLaine doing

[1:10:26] her best Agnes

[1:10:26] Moorhead and Bewitched

[1:10:27] as Agnes Moorhead and

[1:10:28] Citizen Kaine.

[1:10:30] Shirley MacLaine would be

[1:10:31] really good in that role.

[1:10:32] Directed by Zack Snyder,

[1:10:33] of course.

[1:10:34] Side note.

[1:10:35] In case you wanted to

[1:10:36] know, you've conquered

[1:10:37] the 17-year-old girl

[1:10:38] demographic.

[1:10:39] Congratulations.

[1:10:40] I happen to be one who

[1:10:41] stumbled across this on

[1:10:42] the AV Club like

[1:10:43] everyone else and I'm

[1:10:44] trying to get more

[1:10:45] people to listen.

[1:10:46] Although playing your

[1:10:47] take on Fifty Shades of

[1:10:48] Grey for my mom probably

[1:10:49] wasn't the best of ideas.

[1:10:51] Sincerely, Cecily or

[1:10:53] Sicily.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:54] Yeah, that episode's

[1:10:55] pretty much in the no

[1:10:56] moms allowed category.

[1:10:57] Yeah, NMA.

[1:10:58] Unless you're a cool

[1:10:58] mom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:59] One of those cool moms

[1:11:00] who lets their kids

[1:11:01] drink and is not a good

[1:11:02] mom.

[1:11:04] I mean, unless they're

[1:11:05] over 21, in which case,

[1:11:07] you're still an okay

[1:11:08] mom.

[1:11:08] That's fine, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:10] The question is remakes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:12] There are some good

[1:11:13] remakes, but like...

[1:11:15] John Carpenter's The

[1:11:15] Thing.

[1:11:16] John Carpenter's The

[1:11:16] Thing is an amazing

[1:11:17] movie and I would say

[1:11:18] as good as the original,

[1:11:20] if not even a little

[1:11:21] better in some ways.

[1:11:22] Yeah, I think it's

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:22] better.

[1:11:22] It's practical effects,

[1:11:24] bro.

[1:11:26] I suppose all the CGI

[1:11:27] in the 50s The

[1:11:28] Thing.

[1:11:29] Yeah, I'm sick of

[1:11:29] those.

[1:11:30] There's also, people

[1:11:31] forget that The

[1:11:32] Maltese Falcon with

[1:11:33] Humphrey Bogart is kind

[1:11:35] of a remake.

[1:11:36] It was the third

[1:11:36] version of that story,

[1:11:38] so you could say it

[1:11:39] was the first adaptation

[1:11:40] that was true to The

[1:11:41] Maltese Falcon, but it

[1:11:42] was the third Maltese

[1:11:43] Falcon movie.

[1:11:44] Yeah.

[1:11:44] They weren't all called

[1:11:45] Maltese Falcon, but

[1:11:46] like, I know you guys,

[1:11:47] Dan, I know you were a

[1:11:48] fan of the recent

[1:11:49] Fright Night remake.

[1:11:50] I say recent, that was

[1:11:51] probably like five years

[1:11:52] ago.

[1:11:52] Yeah, I mean, like,

Dan McCoy

[1:11:53] I'm not like a super

[1:11:55] huge fan, but I mean,

[1:11:56] like...

[1:11:56] I liked it a lot.

[1:11:57] Yeah, I mean, I like

[1:11:58] the original Fright Night.

[1:12:00] I like myself some

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:01] Anton Yelchin, some

[1:12:03] David Tennant, some

[1:12:05] Colin Farrell.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:07] That has the advantage

[1:12:09] of being a movie that's

[1:12:14] remaking, you know, a

[1:12:15] source material that's

[1:12:17] much beloved by me, but

[1:12:18] isn't, like, unimpeachably

[1:12:20] great or anything.

[1:12:21] I mean, the original

[1:12:23] Fright Night's a really

[1:12:23] fun movie.

[1:12:24] It's really fun, but it's

[1:12:25] fun in that way that,

[1:12:26] like, you know, I just,

[1:12:27] like, really love 80s

[1:12:29] horror comedies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:30] It's really difficult,

[1:12:32] and it's super difficult

[1:12:32] for...

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:33] Well, but then you

[1:12:33] could say, it's a good

[1:12:34] movie if you like that

[1:12:35] kind of movie that it's

[1:12:36] of.

[1:12:37] Yeah.

[1:12:37] I mean, I don't like

[1:12:37] some like it hot, but

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:38] it's a quality film in

[1:12:40] many ways.

[1:12:41] I'm impressed that

[1:12:42] Colin Farrell can step

[1:12:44] into the giant sexy

[1:12:47] shoes of Chris Sarandon.

[1:12:51] super hunk of man.

[1:12:54] But yeah, I think that

[1:12:55] movie's great.

[1:12:57] There's, what are some

Dan McCoy

[1:12:58] other good, I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:59] there's other good...

[1:13:01] There are movies that,

Dan McCoy

[1:13:02] like, transform what the

[1:13:04] original movie was.

[1:13:05] Like, you know,

[1:13:06] technically something like

[1:13:07] Little Shop of Horrors is

[1:13:08] a remake of...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] Yeah, that's true.

[1:13:10] I mean, you could say

[1:13:10] it's, it means an

[1:13:11] adaptation of the stage

[1:13:12] show that was an

[1:13:13] adaptation of the

[1:13:14] original film, but

[1:13:15] yeah, it's a remake.

[1:13:16] Or like, it's not the

[1:13:17] same as the original,

[1:13:18] and I prefer the

[1:13:19] original, but like,

[1:13:19] Peter Jackson's King

[1:13:20] Kong I like a lot.

[1:13:22] Like, that's not a bad

[1:13:23] movie, it's just kind of

[1:13:24] like an overstuffed

[1:13:25] movie, with one

[1:13:26] terrible sequence in it.

[1:13:28] That dinosaur stampede,

[1:13:29] where the effects are

[1:13:30] really fakey.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:31] Yeah, because you're

[1:13:32] like, if I saw a

[1:13:34] stampede of dinos, I

[1:13:35] would go and try and

[1:13:36] hug them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:37] Because I love them

[1:13:38] so much.

[1:13:41] But there's some,

[1:13:42] but then they're like,

[1:13:43] just the other day, I

[1:13:44] saw the commercial for

[1:13:45] the Point Break remake,

[1:13:47] and it was like,

[1:13:48] I was like...

[1:13:49] It was like, I don't

[1:13:51] know why you would

[1:13:52] bother to do this.

[1:13:53] Like, there's a movie

[1:13:53] where it feels like,

[1:13:54] if people really want

[1:13:56] to watch Point Break,

[1:13:57] they can find Point

[1:13:58] Break.

[1:13:58] It is incredibly

[1:13:59] accessible and easy

[1:14:00] to find.

[1:14:00] Like, I don't know

[1:14:02] that there's anyone

[1:14:02] crying out to do,

[1:14:04] to see like, a new

[1:14:05] version of that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:06] You know, I think

[1:14:07] the English language

[1:14:08] remake of The Ring

[1:14:11] is actually, I would

[1:14:12] put it on par with

[1:14:13] the original Japanese

[1:14:14] version.

[1:14:14] I like it more than

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:14] the original.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:15] I find the original

[1:14:15] Japanese version very

[1:14:17] dull through most of it.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:19] So, remakes, they're

[1:14:20] great, always.

[1:14:23] This last letter of

[1:14:25] the evening goes like

[1:14:27] this.

[1:14:28] It is with a heavy

[1:14:29] heart that I write

[1:14:30] this letter.

[1:14:31] I've been campaigning

[1:14:32] for John McCoy to join

[1:14:33] the original Peaches

[1:14:34] in the Flophouse for

[1:14:35] almost the entire run

[1:14:36] of the show, for

[1:14:37] years.

[1:14:38] And now this.

[1:14:39] David, last name

[1:14:40] sometimes withheld

[1:14:40] Kalen, the sports

[1:14:42] fan.

[1:14:43] And you're John's

[1:14:43] kid brother.

[1:14:44] Did you ever think

[1:14:45] about that?

[1:14:45] Did you ever once

[1:14:46] think about that?

[1:14:47] John's your older

[1:14:48] brother and he was

[1:14:49] stepped over.

[1:14:50] John can handle

[1:14:51] things.

[1:14:51] He's funny, not like

[1:14:52] everybody says, like

[1:14:53] boring.

[1:14:54] He's funny and he

[1:14:55] wants respect.

[1:14:57] John's Syracuse,

[1:14:58] last name not

[1:14:59] withheld to prevent

[1:15:00] him from being

[1:15:00] confused with my

[1:15:01] brother.

[1:15:03] I mean, I think

[1:15:04] that you're

[1:15:04] overlooking one

[1:15:05] important fact,

[1:15:05] which is David

[1:15:07] Kalen lives here

[1:15:08] and my brother

[1:15:09] lives in Boston.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] Yeah, David lives

[1:15:11] in your apartment.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:12] That's right.

[1:15:13] He lives in the

[1:15:16] dumbwaiter.

[1:15:17] Stuff him in there

[1:15:18] at night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:19] Send him downstairs.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:21] Yeah, David lives

[1:15:22] in Queens.

[1:15:22] That is some

[1:15:22] street-level

[1:15:23] marketing from

[1:15:24] John Syracuse,

[1:15:25] a friend of your

[1:15:26] brother, John

[1:15:26] McCoy.

[1:15:28] I mean, popular

[1:15:29] podcaster, John

[1:15:30] Syracuse.

[1:15:31] My brother lives in

Dan McCoy

[1:15:32] Boston, or as I like

[1:15:33] to call it, New York

[1:15:34] Junior.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:36] So, whoa.

[1:15:36] Wow.

[1:15:37] Take that,

[1:15:37] Bean Town.

[1:15:38] Hot take.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:39] Wow.

[1:15:40] Dan doesn't care

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:41] whose toes he

[1:15:42] steps on tonight.

[1:15:42] Somebody call the

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:42] fire department.

[1:15:45] You're Bradley Cooper

[1:15:46] in burnt.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:47] That was a wicked

[1:15:48] burn.

[1:15:51] Yeah, I know, if

[1:15:51] you wanted to come

[1:15:52] up here over a

[1:15:53] period of time that

[1:15:54] we could fit him on

[1:15:55] the podcast, I'm

[1:15:56] sure we could figure

[1:15:57] something out.

[1:15:58] I mean, you're the

[1:15:58] one with the hookup

[1:15:59] and the connection.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:00] Wow, what an

[1:16:01] invitation.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:03] Yeah.

[1:16:03] I suppose.

[1:16:04] John, if you're

[1:16:05] listening.

[1:16:05] At his expense,

[1:16:06] of course.

[1:16:07] John, if you're

[1:16:07] listening, I'm sure

[1:16:08] we could figure

[1:16:08] something out.

[1:16:11] No, he's great.

[1:16:12] He's got his own

[1:16:12] podcast, sophomore

[1:16:13] lit.

[1:16:14] Now, we could have

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:15] him on if we

[1:16:16] watched a movie that

[1:16:16] was an adaptation of

[1:16:17] like a high school

[1:16:18] reading list book.

[1:16:20] Part of the reason

[1:16:21] we had David on was

[1:16:21] because it was a

[1:16:22] sports movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:22] Yeah, I mean,

[1:16:23] that's not necessarily

[1:16:23] his area of

[1:16:24] expertise.

[1:16:26] He does a podcast

[1:16:27] about it.

[1:16:27] What's his area of

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:28] expertise, Dan?

[1:16:30] He's being a

[1:16:31] jerky brother.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:32] Make fun of me.

[1:16:33] He's a museum

[1:16:34] curator, so we

[1:16:35] could have him.

[1:16:36] Yeah, if we

[1:16:36] watch like Night

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:37] of the Museum.

[1:16:37] Yeah, yeah.

[1:16:38] Was that a flop?

[1:16:39] Night of the Museum

[1:16:40] 4, the curator

[1:16:40] steps in.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:42] The curator's

[1:16:43] revenge.

[1:16:47] Do you know

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:50] anything about

[1:16:51] your brother?

[1:16:52] His name's

[1:16:52] John.

[1:16:53] We know that much.

[1:16:53] What's his

[1:16:53] specialty as a

[1:16:54] museum curator?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:58] The good one.

[1:17:01] What's his favorite

[1:17:01] food?

[1:17:02] Maybe we can work

[1:17:02] with that.

[1:17:03] Yeah.

[1:17:04] Don't say pizza.

[1:17:06] Everyone says

[1:17:06] pizza.

[1:17:07] That's everyone's

[1:17:07] favorite.

[1:17:09] Don't say

[1:17:09] Terminator 2.

[1:17:10] That's everyone's

[1:17:11] favorite.

[1:17:12] Everyone's favorite

[1:17:13] food?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:14] Pie?

[1:17:15] Who's his favorite

[1:17:15] X-Man?

[1:17:16] Do not say

[1:17:17] Wolverine.

[1:17:21] Don't say

[1:17:22] Rogue.

[1:17:22] That's yours.

[1:17:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:23] Kitty Pryde.

[1:17:25] Oh yeah,

[1:17:25] that's actually

[1:17:26] yours.

[1:17:27] That's,

[1:17:27] yeah.

[1:17:29] Yeah,

[1:17:30] I don't know

[1:17:30] what my brother

[1:17:30] has special.

[1:17:31] Okay,

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:31] well maybe we'll

[1:17:32] have John McCoy

[1:17:33] on for a special

[1:17:34] Finding Out

[1:17:35] In Dangerous

[1:17:36] podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:37] This will be a

[1:17:38] podcast where

[1:17:38] just Dan and

[1:17:39] John finally

[1:17:39] having that talk

[1:17:40] they should have

[1:17:40] had years ago.

[1:17:41] No,

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:41] the thing is my

[1:17:42] brother,

Dan McCoy

[1:17:42] the thing about

[1:17:44] my brother is

[1:17:44] he has an

[1:17:45] extremely

[1:17:45] broad

[1:17:48] swath of

[1:17:50] knowledge in a

[1:17:51] lot of weird

[1:17:51] areas.

[1:17:53] Much like you,

[1:17:54] Elliot.

[1:17:55] It would be a

[1:17:56] good.

[1:17:56] So you're

[1:17:56] saying he's

[1:17:56] going to

[1:17:57] replace me?

[1:17:58] You're saying

[1:17:58] I should kill

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:59] him so he's

[1:17:59] not a threat

[1:17:59] anymore?

[1:18:00] I'm not

[1:18:01] winking right

[1:18:02] now.

[1:18:03] Wink sound,

[1:18:04] wink sound.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:06] So those were

[1:18:07] some great

[1:18:07] letters,

[1:18:07] guys.

[1:18:08] We learned

[1:18:08] a lot about

[1:18:09] Dan's family

[1:18:10] remakes,

[1:18:11] I guess.

[1:18:12] And before

[1:18:13] that,

[1:18:15] musicals,

[1:18:16] musicals.

[1:18:17] Musical stuff.

[1:18:18] Yeah.

[1:18:18] So what's the

[1:18:18] next part of

[1:18:19] the podcast,

[1:18:19] Dan?

[1:18:19] I like this

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:20] new thing

[1:18:20] called Stuart

[1:18:21] recaps the

[1:18:21] letters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:23] Not very

[1:18:24] good at it.

[1:18:25] memory's

[1:18:25] terrible.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:27] Sometimes I

[1:18:27] get confused.

[1:18:28] It's like the

[1:18:29] segment I'm

[1:18:30] going deep

[1:18:30] with David

[1:18:30] Reese.

[1:18:31] What did

[1:18:31] we learn?

[1:18:32] That's what

[1:18:32] Stuart's doing.

[1:18:33] They often

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:34] say things that

[1:18:35] were not in

[1:18:35] the segment.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:37] This is the

[1:18:38] part of the

[1:18:38] podcast where

[1:18:39] we recommend

[1:18:39] a movie that

[1:18:40] we actually

[1:18:40] liked,

[1:18:41] unlike

[1:18:42] Outcast.

[1:18:43] Oh,

[1:18:44] I was going

[1:18:44] to recommend

[1:18:44] Outcast.

[1:18:46] Dan looks

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:46] like he got a

[1:18:47] movie right on

[1:18:47] the tip of

[1:18:48] that tongue.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:48] Cue it up,

[1:18:50] Dan.

[1:18:50] I do.

[1:18:50] I watched

[1:18:51] the movie

[1:18:52] The Big

[1:18:52] Short.

[1:18:54] About Dorf.

[1:18:55] The Adam

[1:18:55] McKay film

[1:18:57] about the

[1:18:57] financial crisis

[1:18:58] of 2008.

[1:19:00] It was,

[1:19:01] I found it

[1:19:02] very enjoyable.

[1:19:03] It's funny,

[1:19:04] it's informative,

[1:19:06] it's got a

[1:19:09] fun cast

[1:19:09] with Christian

[1:19:11] Bale,

[1:19:12] Ryan Gosling,

[1:19:14] Steve Carell,

[1:19:16] some other

[1:19:16] dudes,

[1:19:17] Brad Pitt in

[1:19:17] a very small

[1:19:18] role.

[1:19:18] The weird

[1:19:19] thing,

[1:19:19] it's an

[1:19:19] interestingly

[1:19:19] structured movie

[1:19:20] because all

[1:19:21] of the big

[1:19:22] stars basically

[1:19:23] do not

[1:19:24] spend time

[1:19:25] together.

[1:19:26] They're all

[1:19:26] in their own

[1:19:27] separate storylines

[1:19:28] and Gosling

[1:19:30] and Carell have

[1:19:31] a few scenes

[1:19:31] together,

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:32] but that's

[1:19:32] about it.

[1:19:33] It's a movie

[1:19:33] that follows

[1:19:34] a couple

[1:19:36] different groups

[1:19:36] of characters

[1:19:37] who interact

[1:19:38] thematically,

[1:19:39] let's say.

[1:19:40] Most of them

[1:19:41] don't actually

[1:19:42] meet each other.

[1:19:43] Adam McKay

[1:19:43] really does

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:44] goofy Will Ferrell

[1:19:45] movies.

[1:19:46] That's true.

[1:19:48] How does he

[1:19:49] handle the

[1:19:49] slightly

[1:19:50] weightier?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:51] For the most

[1:19:51] part,

[1:19:52] well.

[1:19:52] It's still

[1:19:53] a comic

[1:19:54] movie,

[1:19:55] but the

[1:19:57] comedy is

[1:19:58] more muted

[1:19:59] and more

[1:20:00] angry.

[1:20:01] I didn't

[1:20:02] love all

[1:20:03] of it.

[1:20:04] I felt

[1:20:04] like,

[1:20:04] especially

[1:20:05] early on,

[1:20:06] it made

[1:20:06] some

[1:20:07] directorial

[1:20:08] choices

[1:20:08] that were

[1:20:09] a little

[1:20:09] showy

[1:20:11] to ends

[1:20:12] that I

[1:20:12] wasn't sure

[1:20:12] I understood.

[1:20:13] There's a lot

[1:20:14] of montages

[1:20:16] of found

[1:20:16] footage that

[1:20:17] are just

[1:20:17] sort of

[1:20:18] tossed in.

[1:20:18] I'm not

[1:20:19] quite sure

[1:20:19] what that's

[1:20:20] all about.

[1:20:20] In the beginning,

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:20] a lot of it

[1:20:21] was to show

[1:20:22] the passage

[1:20:22] of time.

[1:20:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:24] I think also

[1:20:25] to show

[1:20:25] the people

[1:20:26] that are

[1:20:26] being affected

[1:20:27] by the

[1:20:27] financial crisis,

[1:20:28] a little

[1:20:28] of that.

[1:20:29] A little

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:29] of that,

[1:20:30] but also

[1:20:30] the things

[1:20:30] that people

[1:20:31] were focusing

[1:20:33] on rather

[1:20:34] than what

[1:20:34] was going

[1:20:34] on in the

[1:20:35] finance industry

[1:20:36] that like,

[1:20:37] here's the

[1:20:37] stupid shit

[1:20:38] that you

[1:20:38] were paying

[1:20:38] attention to

[1:20:39] when you

[1:20:39] should have

[1:20:40] been keeping

[1:20:40] an eye

[1:20:40] on the

[1:20:41] financial industry.

[1:20:41] But there

Dan McCoy

[1:20:42] was a lot

[1:20:43] of that

[1:20:43] and a lot

[1:20:43] of shaky

[1:20:45] cam and flashy

[1:20:46] camera movements

[1:20:47] that I felt

[1:20:48] were more

[1:20:48] distracting

[1:20:49] than they

[1:20:49] were helpful.

[1:20:52] Tracting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:52] The opposite

[1:20:54] of distracting.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:55] But for the

[1:20:55] most part,

[1:20:56] the movie

[1:20:56] takes what

[1:20:57] could be a

[1:20:58] very sort

[1:20:58] of off-putting

[1:21:01] subject matter

[1:21:01] or difficult

[1:21:02] subject matter

[1:21:03] and makes

[1:21:03] it fun.

[1:21:05] I do

[1:21:05] think

[1:21:05] that

[1:21:05] also

[1:21:06] Elliot

[1:21:06] and I

[1:21:07] were discussing

[1:21:07] that the

[1:21:08] movie

[1:21:08] really wants

[1:21:09] you to

[1:21:09] understand

[1:21:10] everything

[1:21:11] very much

[1:21:12] at the

[1:21:12] front of

[1:21:12] the movie

[1:21:13] even to the

[1:21:14] point of

[1:21:14] over-explaining

[1:21:15] things that

[1:21:15] maybe don't

[1:21:16] need to be

[1:21:16] explained so

[1:21:17] much and

[1:21:17] then at

[1:21:17] the end

[1:21:17] of the

[1:21:18] movie

[1:21:18] some of

[1:21:19] the stuff

[1:21:19] that happens

[1:21:19] sort of

[1:21:21] happens and

[1:21:21] you're like,

[1:21:22] wait,

[1:21:22] what did

[1:21:22] that mean?

[1:21:24] Does the

[1:21:24] movie begin

[1:21:25] with a monologue

[1:21:26] like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:26] my grandmother

[1:21:27] always told me

[1:21:28] of a prophecy

[1:21:29] of a financial

[1:21:30] collapse?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:30] It doesn't

[1:21:31] but it does

[1:21:32] have narration

[1:21:33] with Ryan

[1:21:35] Gossett.

[1:21:35] In a certain

[1:21:36] way,

[1:21:36] some of it

[1:21:38] reminds you

[1:21:38] of something

[1:21:39] like Goodfellas

[1:21:40] in that

[1:21:40] it has

[1:21:40] Wolf of

[1:21:41] Wall Street.

[1:21:42] Yeah,

[1:21:42] narration is

[1:21:44] something along

[1:21:45] a Scorsese

[1:21:46] movie along

[1:21:46] those lines

[1:21:47] that is

[1:21:47] about process

[1:21:49] where

[1:21:49] different people

[1:21:51] trade off

[1:21:52] narrations

[1:21:52] and you're

[1:21:53] seeing the

[1:21:54] inside of

[1:21:55] a certain

[1:21:56] world

[1:21:58] works

[1:21:59] and the

[1:22:00] movie's

[1:22:00] pretty good

[1:22:00] at doing

[1:22:01] that.

[1:22:02] But it's

[1:22:03] fun.

[1:22:04] It's a fun

[1:22:05] movie for

[1:22:05] the subject

[1:22:07] matter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:10] Okay.

[1:22:11] Do you want

[1:22:11] to go next

[1:22:12] to it or

[1:22:12] share?

[1:22:12] Yeah,

[1:22:12] I'll go next.

[1:22:13] So the

[1:22:14] holidays are

[1:22:14] coming.

[1:22:15] So I think

[1:22:16] it's time for

[1:22:16] you.

[1:22:16] My holiday

[1:22:17] is already

[1:22:17] over,

[1:22:17] dude.

[1:22:19] The holiday

[1:22:19] of Cagemas

[1:22:20] and I think

[1:22:21] you all

[1:22:21] should treat

[1:22:22] yourself

[1:22:22] to a special

[1:22:23] little treat.

[1:22:24] Now you guys

[1:22:24] all know,

[1:22:25] anybody knows

[1:22:25] me,

[1:22:26] knows that

[1:22:27] I'm a real

[1:22:27] big fan

[1:22:28] of the

[1:22:28] MMCU.

[1:22:30] That's the

[1:22:30] Magic Mike

[1:22:31] Cinematic

[1:22:32] Universe.

[1:22:33] And tonight

[1:22:35] I'm going to

[1:22:35] recommend a

[1:22:35] little movie

[1:22:36] called Magic

[1:22:37] Mike

[1:22:37] XXL.

[1:22:38] Which is the

[1:22:39] second

[1:22:39] installment,

[1:22:40] I believe,

[1:22:41] in the MMCU.

[1:22:42] And boy,

[1:22:43] does it build

[1:22:44] on to...

[1:22:45] Well,

Dan McCoy

[1:22:46] according to

[1:22:46] Stuart,

[1:22:46] the 21 and

[1:22:48] 22 jump

[1:22:49] speed are part

[1:22:49] of the Magic

[1:22:50] Mike.

[1:22:50] Extended

[1:22:50] Universe,

[1:22:51] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:53] So,

[1:22:53] if you

[1:22:54] were in

[1:22:54] the mood

[1:22:55] for some

[1:22:55] sweet

[1:22:56] hard bodies

[1:22:56] doing some

[1:22:57] sweet dancing,

[1:22:58] run out,

[1:22:59] don't rent

[1:23:00] hard bodies,

[1:23:01] it is

[1:23:01] disappointing.

[1:23:03] Those bodies

[1:23:03] are quite

[1:23:03] soft.

[1:23:04] Rent

[1:23:05] XXL.

[1:23:06] Now,

[1:23:06] one of the

[1:23:07] things that's

[1:23:07] kind of great

[1:23:07] about this

[1:23:08] movie is it's

[1:23:08] a movie that

[1:23:09] features the

[1:23:10] lowest stakes

[1:23:11] imaginable.

[1:23:13] This is a

[1:23:13] group of male

[1:23:14] entertainers who

[1:23:16] are heading...

[1:23:17] Oh,

[1:23:17] magicians.

[1:23:17] heading to

[1:23:18] Myrtle Beach

[1:23:19] for a...

[1:23:20] Not even a

[1:23:21] competition,

[1:23:22] just a...

[1:23:23] Just a

[1:23:24] conference.

[1:23:25] A conference?

[1:23:27] A...

[1:23:28] A...

[1:23:29] Like a...

[1:23:30] Yeah,

[1:23:30] a conference

[1:23:31] basically,

[1:23:31] where they're

[1:23:32] just going to

[1:23:33] participate in

[1:23:33] a bunch of

[1:23:34] stripping and

[1:23:35] entertaining,

[1:23:36] and there's no...

[1:23:37] Like,

[1:23:37] it's not like

[1:23:38] anybody's trying

[1:23:39] to save their

[1:23:39] rec center.

[1:23:40] There's no

[1:23:40] villains at

[1:23:41] all.

[1:23:42] And it becomes

[1:23:43] this weird little

[1:23:45] road movie where

[1:23:46] they're like...

[1:23:46] Get away from me!

[1:23:47] Where pretty

[1:23:48] quickly Channing

[1:23:48] Tatum is like,

[1:23:50] you know,

[1:23:50] I put this all

[1:23:51] behind me,

[1:23:52] but now that

[1:23:53] Dallas and the

[1:23:54] kid are out of

[1:23:54] the way,

[1:23:55] maybe I'll get

[1:23:56] back together

[1:23:56] with these guys,

[1:23:57] with Big Dick

[1:23:58] Richie and

[1:23:58] Animal and the

[1:23:59] rest.

[1:24:00] Getting the

[1:24:00] gang back

[1:24:01] together to

[1:24:02] strip.

[1:24:03] Yeah,

[1:24:03] so they head

[1:24:04] to Myrtle

[1:24:04] Beach and

[1:24:05] there's a lot

[1:24:06] of stripping.

[1:24:06] One last big

[1:24:06] strip.

[1:24:07] It's pretty

[1:24:09] body positive

[1:24:10] and yeah,

[1:24:11] it's super fun.

[1:24:12] Yeah,

[1:24:12] well if you

[1:24:12] fucking bodies

[1:24:13] like these guys,

[1:24:14] of course it's

[1:24:14] body positive.

[1:24:16] Yeah,

[1:24:17] I'm positively

[1:24:18] interested in their

[1:24:19] bodies.

[1:24:19] All right.

[1:24:21] Yeah,

[1:24:22] so it's super fun.

[1:24:23] I totally

[1:24:23] recommend it.

[1:24:25] XL.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:27] Now it's called

[1:24:28] that because they

[1:24:28] all let themselves

[1:24:29] go between the

[1:24:30] movies and now

[1:24:30] wear extra,

[1:24:31] extra large

[1:24:31] clothes.

[1:24:33] I wish.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:36] As I said

[1:24:37] before,

[1:24:38] I like gummy

[1:24:39] bear bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:40] No,

[1:24:41] I hadn't

[1:24:41] seen,

[1:24:41] I still haven't

[1:24:42] seen either of

[1:24:43] the Magic Mike

[1:24:43] movies,

[1:24:44] but I,

[1:24:45] for a while,

[1:24:45] I,

[1:24:46] you thought they

[1:24:46] were about

[1:24:47] wizards.

[1:24:48] I was like,

[1:24:49] magic,

[1:24:49] I love it.

[1:24:50] A magic microphone

[1:24:51] that can make your

[1:24:51] voice sound

[1:24:52] beautiful.

[1:24:53] Makes me sound

[1:24:54] like a robot.

[1:24:56] Where do I buy

[1:24:57] that?

[1:24:57] The,

[1:24:57] I wasn't sure

[1:24:58] if it was a new

[1:24:59] movie or if it

[1:25:00] was like they

[1:25:00] re-released the

[1:25:01] movie with more

[1:25:02] footage,

[1:25:03] but it's a new

[1:25:04] movie.

[1:25:04] It is a brand

[1:25:05] new movie.

[1:25:06] It's not just

[1:25:06] like Magic Mike

[1:25:07] special edition.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:08] It is lighter in

[1:25:08] tone,

[1:25:09] whereas the first

[1:25:09] movie was a

[1:25:10] little bit serious.

[1:25:11] I think Dan

[1:25:12] recommended it on

[1:25:12] the podcast

[1:25:13] earlier.

[1:25:14] Not this

[1:25:15] podcast,

[1:25:16] not a different

[1:25:16] episode.

[1:25:17] I did it

[1:25:18] subliminally.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] But it's a

[1:25:19] Steven Soderbergh

[1:25:20] movie.

[1:25:21] Every now and

[1:25:21] then he's just

[1:25:21] going,

[1:25:22] Magic Mike.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:23] And there's,

[1:25:23] and,

[1:25:24] and the first

[1:25:25] movie,

[1:25:25] there's a,

[1:25:26] it's a little

[1:25:26] bit like,

[1:25:27] there's a little

[1:25:27] bit of a dark

[1:25:28] edge to it.

[1:25:30] Plus,

[1:25:30] there's still a

[1:25:31] ton of stripping.

[1:25:33] But this one,

[1:25:34] there's no dark

[1:25:34] edge.

[1:25:35] It is nothing

[1:25:36] but smiles.

[1:25:38] Smiles for

[1:25:39] miles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:41] Well,

[1:25:41] speaking of dark

[1:25:42] edges,

[1:25:43] it's time for me

[1:25:43] to recommend my

[1:25:44] movie,

[1:25:44] a movie that at

[1:25:45] times gets very

[1:25:46] dark.

[1:25:46] And there's a

[1:25:47] lot of edges

[1:25:47] that are used

[1:25:48] to cut people

[1:25:48] in different

[1:25:49] ways.

[1:25:49] And it's a

[1:25:50] movie called

[1:25:51] Bone Tomahawk.

[1:25:52] Now this was

[1:25:53] recommended to me

[1:25:54] specifically by

[1:25:55] a podcast

[1:25:56] listener and

[1:25:56] friend of mine,

[1:25:57] Brendan Hay,

[1:25:58] who said,

[1:25:59] make sure you

[1:25:59] see this one.

[1:26:00] And it did

[1:26:01] not disappoint

[1:26:02] as a Western,

[1:26:04] a very dry

[1:26:05] Western horror

[1:26:05] movie that

[1:26:07] is weirdly

[1:26:09] kind of paced

[1:26:10] and structured

[1:26:10] by enjoy,

[1:26:11] but very

[1:26:12] enjoyable,

[1:26:12] where most

[1:26:14] of the movie

[1:26:15] is a bunch

[1:26:15] of characters

[1:26:16] played by

[1:26:16] Kurt Russell

[1:26:17] and Richard

[1:26:17] Jenkins and

[1:26:18] Matthew Fox

[1:26:19] and Patrick

[1:26:20] Wilson on a

[1:26:20] quest to

[1:26:21] find some

[1:26:23] townspeople who

[1:26:24] were kidnapped

[1:26:25] by a tribe

[1:26:27] of troglodytes

[1:26:28] who are just

[1:26:30] like savage

[1:26:30] cave people who

[1:26:31] I guess live

[1:26:31] in the American

[1:26:32] West.

[1:26:32] Yeah,

[1:26:33] that makes sense.

[1:26:34] There's no

[1:26:35] mystery to what

[1:26:35] happened.

[1:26:36] They get kidnapped

[1:26:36] and the next

[1:26:37] day someone

[1:26:38] walks in and

[1:26:38] is like,

[1:26:38] oh yes,

[1:26:39] and troglodytes

[1:26:39] did it.

[1:26:41] And they

[1:26:43] are troghog.

[1:26:44] X-tree,

[1:26:45] X-tree.

[1:26:45] A lot of it is

[1:26:46] them facing just

[1:26:47] the dangers of

[1:26:48] being traveling

[1:26:49] in the West

[1:26:49] and getting to

[1:26:50] know each other

[1:26:51] and the different

[1:26:51] personalities.

[1:26:53] But once it

[1:26:54] gets to the

[1:26:54] violent part,

[1:26:55] it erupts in

[1:26:56] violence and it

[1:26:57] becomes super

[1:26:58] gory and like

[1:26:59] super almost

[1:27:01] gothic horror-y

[1:27:02] in some ways.

[1:27:03] It's like you

[1:27:04] had a movie

[1:27:05] that,

[1:27:06] it's like you

[1:27:07] had a script

[1:27:08] that like Howard

[1:27:09] Hawks had worked

[1:27:10] on in the 70s

[1:27:11] and then the

[1:27:11] Coen brothers

[1:27:12] did like a gloss

[1:27:12] on the dialogue

[1:27:13] and then they

[1:27:14] just brought

[1:27:14] Joe R.

[1:27:15] Lansdale in

[1:27:15] at the end

[1:27:15] to like really

[1:27:17] make it gruesome.

[1:27:19] It sounds great.

[1:27:20] Stuart,

[1:27:21] if you haven't

[1:27:21] seen it,

[1:27:21] I think you

[1:27:21] like it a lot.

[1:27:22] Yeah,

[1:27:22] I gotta watch it.

[1:27:23] It's called

[1:27:24] Bone Tomahawk.

[1:27:27] Rated R.

[1:27:29] It's gross.

[1:27:30] It's gross.

[1:27:31] So,

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:32] what do we do

[1:27:32] now, Dan?

[1:27:33] Three movies

Dan McCoy

[1:27:33] perfect for the

[1:27:34] holidays.

[1:27:34] The Financial

[1:27:35] Crisis,

[1:27:36] Mail Strippers,

[1:27:37] and Troglodytes.

[1:27:39] Troglodytes.

[1:27:39] In that order.

[1:27:40] Butchering people.

[1:27:41] Yeah.

[1:27:43] Now we sign off.

[1:27:45] Another year.

[1:27:46] Another year

[1:27:47] come and go.

[1:27:48] Another year

[1:27:48] in the can.

[1:27:49] I've been

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:51] for the Flophouse

[1:27:52] podcast.

[1:27:53] That was abrupt.

[1:27:55] Guys,

[1:27:55] what are our

[1:27:56] movie resolutions

[1:27:56] for next year?

[1:27:57] Yeah.

[1:27:58] For 2016.

[1:28:00] Year of the flop.

[1:28:02] Let's make it

[1:28:02] year of the flop.

[1:28:04] The year the

[1:28:04] Flophouse really

[1:28:04] takes it to the

[1:28:05] next level.

[1:28:06] Okay,

[1:28:06] what are we

[1:28:07] going to do?

[1:28:07] How do we

[1:28:07] do that?

[1:28:09] Writers,

[1:28:09] or listeners,

[1:28:10] write in.

[1:28:11] Tell us how

[1:28:12] we take it

[1:28:12] to the next

[1:28:12] level,

[1:28:13] because I

[1:28:13] don't know

[1:28:13] either.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:14] And this

[1:28:14] will be the

[1:28:15] year that

[1:28:15] we probably

[1:28:16] stay on topic.

[1:28:17] Take down

[1:28:17] those beloved

[1:28:18] McElroy's.

[1:28:19] Love with all

[1:28:19] my heart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:20] Or maybe

[1:28:20] this will just be

[1:28:22] the year that

[1:28:22] we find a

[1:28:23] sewer pipe that

[1:28:23] lets us skip

[1:28:24] a couple boards.

[1:28:25] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:27] Yeah,

[1:28:27] so for the

[1:28:28] Flophouse podcast,

[1:28:29] I'll be skipping

[1:28:29] them boards.

[1:28:31] I'm Stuart

[1:28:31] Wellington.

[1:28:32] I've been Dan

[1:28:33] McCoy.

[1:28:33] And now

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:33] worried for the

[1:28:34] lives of the

[1:28:35] McElroys,

[1:28:35] I am Elliot

[1:28:36] Kalin.

[1:28:37] What a

[1:28:37] wear you.

[1:28:38] Peace,

[1:28:40] skin.

[1:28:45] You'll never

[1:28:46] guess what

[1:28:46] you'll see

[1:28:47] through the

[1:28:47] fucking

[1:28:48] window.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:51] Untold

[1:28:51] delights,

[1:28:53] carnal

[1:28:53] pleasures,

[1:28:54] unspoken

[1:28:55] of up

[1:28:56] until now.

[1:28:57] No greater

[1:28:58] portal to

[1:28:59] erotic

[1:28:59] adventure

[1:29:00] than

[1:29:00] fucking

[1:29:01] window.

[1:29:02] Watch out,

[1:29:03] Pinhead might

[1:29:04] show up.

[1:29:04] Who knows,

[1:29:05] dude?

[1:29:07] It's fucking

[1:29:08] crazy,

[1:29:08] man.

[1:29:09] It is insane

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:10] through that

[1:29:10] window.

[1:29:11] Like,

[1:29:11] anything can

[1:29:12] happen.

[1:29:12] Like,

[1:29:13] a woman

[1:29:13] having sex

[1:29:14] with a

[1:29:14] dinosaur

[1:29:14] or some

[1:29:15] shit.

[1:29:16] It's in

[1:29:16] the effects

[1:29:17] budget.

[1:29:18] Somebody

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:19] might even

[1:29:20] use,

[1:29:20] like,

[1:29:21] a gas-powered

[1:29:21] dildo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:22] Gas-powered

[1:29:23] dildo?

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:24] Yeah,

[1:29:24] it's

[1:29:24] steampunk,

[1:29:25] steamporn.

[1:29:27] Wouldn't be

[1:29:27] steampunk if

[1:29:28] it was gas-powered.

[1:29:29] That would be

[1:29:30] if it was

[1:29:30] coal-powered.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:31] I'll allow

[1:29:32] it.

[1:29:34] A steampunk

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:37] dildo would

[1:29:38] be covered

[1:29:39] in cogs,

[1:29:40] be brass.

[1:29:41] It would be

[1:29:41] a cock-cog,

[1:29:42] or a

[1:29:42] cog-cock.

[1:29:44] I don't

[1:29:45] know what

[1:29:45] you're

[1:29:45] talking about.

[1:29:46] I'll allow

[1:29:46] it.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:48] Maximumfun.org

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:50] Comedy and

[1:29:50] culture.

[1:29:51] Artist-owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:52] Listener-supported.

S5

[1:29:55] Hi,

[1:29:56] buddies,

[1:29:56] I'm Travis.

[1:29:57] And I'm

[1:29:57] Andy.

[1:29:58] And we

[1:29:58] host Bunker

[1:29:59] Buddies on

[1:29:59] Maximumfun.org.

[1:30:00] What is

[1:30:01] Bunker Buddies,

[1:30:01] you ask?

[1:30:02] Well,

[1:30:02] it's a show

[1:30:02] hosted by two

[1:30:03] comedians

[1:30:04] about how

[1:30:05] to survive

[1:30:05] the apocalypse.

[1:30:06] We talk

[1:30:06] about stuff

[1:30:07] like the

[1:30:07] rapture.

[1:30:08] Zombie

[1:30:09] apocalypse.

[1:30:10] How to

[1:30:10] survive an

[1:30:11] EMP.

[1:30:12] What if a

[1:30:12] disease takes

[1:30:13] over the

[1:30:14] dead?

[1:30:15] How to

[1:30:15] survive a

[1:30:16] food shortage.

[1:30:17] The people

[1:30:17] who eat

[1:30:18] other people.

[1:30:19] So don't

[1:30:19] get freaked

[1:30:20] out.

[1:30:20] We're going

[1:30:21] to tell you

[1:30:21] how to

[1:30:21] get through

[1:30:22] it.

S4

[1:30:22] We're

[1:30:22] comedians

[1:30:23] first and

[1:30:24] aspiring

[1:30:25] preppers

[1:30:25] second.

[1:30:26] Join us.

S5

[1:30:26] So tune

[1:30:27] in every

[1:30:27] Wednesday

[1:30:28] on

[1:30:28] Maximumfun.org,

[1:30:30] iTunes,

[1:30:30] or wherever

[1:30:31] podcasts are

[1:30:32] sold.

[1:30:33] Bye.

Ep. #194 - Outcast

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