Ep. #197 - Seventh Son

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Seventh Son.

[0:03] Dan, I didn't see Sons 1 through 6.

[0:05] Will I understand what happens in the movie?

[0:07] You will not.

[0:09] Son 5's the best.

[0:31] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:39] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:42] Trademark sound effects.

[0:43] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:44] We're all here together.

[0:46] It's been a little while.

[0:48] It's been like two weeks.

[0:50] Two weeks.

[0:50] I don't know.

[0:51] Same amount of time between the two of us.

[0:52] You know why it feels like it's been a long time?

[0:54] Because you're drunk.

[0:55] Well, possibly.

[0:57] But we did those two live shows, and then we did an episode right afterwards.

[1:01] And I got used to having you pals around me all the time.

[1:04] Oh, yeah, that's nice.

[1:05] Yeah, you know, even though, you know, I'm kind of under the weather.

[1:08] Like, I got this, yeah, we got...

[1:10] Hey, up top.

[1:11] No, no, under, down below.

[1:15] But when you guys called me up today to say, hey, do I want to come back and podcast?

[1:19] I'm like, fuck it, man, let's do this.

[1:21] Well, what happens is we put up...

[1:22] I'm trying to build this kind of story around it.

[1:25] We put up the stew signal, which is a big silhouette of a can of beer with Angus Scrimm, you know, pouring it.

[1:32] It's a pretty elaborate silhouette.

[1:35] And also, he's wearing big as a ding-dong off.

[1:38] It's all in silhouette.

[1:39] When we project that onto clouds, I'm amazed that it still reads.

[1:43] It had to be a very cloudy night.

[1:45] Yeah.

[1:46] Then we set out the beer and open it, and the smell carries stew over.

[1:52] We set out the beer and we put a box with a stick propping that box up.

[1:58] And I floated along the smell waves like Monterey Jack.

[2:02] That's right.

[2:04] The cheese character.

[2:05] He's named after his object of interest.

[2:07] Cheese character.

[2:09] He's a mouse from Disney's Rescue Rangers.

[2:12] No, but it's crazy that he's called Monterey Jack since he just wants to eat cheese all the time.

[2:16] Like, they don't call you Chicken Kalen.

[2:20] Maybe they should.

[2:22] No, every time someone calls me Chicken, I have to fight them in a drag race.

[2:26] Just like my grandfather and my great-grandfather.

[2:28] Eventually, you'll learn.

[2:30] But only after some adventures in the past.

[2:32] Yeah, and the future.

[2:34] Anyway, Biff stole a sports almanac.

[2:37] Do I care about that?

[2:39] Because I don't really care about sports.

[2:41] It was an Oscars prediction.

[2:44] We've got to go back and stop him.

[2:47] So, for this show, we watched...

[2:50] Wait, so what do we do on this show normally for the newbies?

[2:52] For the newbos, we watch a bad movie.

[2:56] Sounds like a racial slur, but it's not.

[2:59] That's our M.O.

[3:02] Modus Operandi.

[3:04] That's our monster opera.

[3:07] So, for this episode...

[3:08] That's our Mamie Ozenhauer.

[3:12] Our Mr. Octopus.

[3:14] Yep.

[3:15] Our malted ocelot.

[3:19] M.O. Money starring Damon Wayans.

[3:22] No.

[3:23] Stacey Dash.

[3:25] No.

[3:28] So, we watched a movie tonight called...

[3:32] Stretch it out. We've got to fill the time.

[3:36] Seven Sons.

[3:37] It starred Jeff Bridges and some guy.

[3:41] Some guy.

[3:42] And a generic guy.

[3:44] And a guy. Andrew Guy.

[3:47] Julianne Moore.

[3:48] Plays a morphing, but dreadlocked dragon lady.

[3:51] Dragon queen witch.

[3:52] And Kit Harington.

[3:54] Is in it.

[3:55] Ex-Mackinac herself.

[3:56] Robo-Girl.

[3:57] Yeah, Robo-Girl's in it, too.

[3:58] What's her name?

[3:59] Alicia Vikander.

[4:01] Yep.

[4:02] And Olivia Williams is in it.

[4:03] Yeah, that's right.

[4:04] And in the role of a guy who's in science fiction and fantasy movies,

[4:07] Jimon Hounsou.

[4:09] Yeah, he's great.

[4:10] Now, here's something I'm going to say about this movie before we get into the plot.

[4:14] When I saw that it starred Jeff Bridges and some dude,

[4:17] I assumed Jeff Bridges would be in, like, the first 15 minutes.

[4:20] Yeah, like a cash grab.

[4:22] Yeah, like an outcast.

[4:23] He'd be in the whole Nicolas Cage outcast situation.

[4:26] Yeah, like he'd be in the beginning and then get kidnapped or something.

[4:28] And then show up maybe 10, 15 minutes before the ending.

[4:32] No, you get Jeff Bridges all through this film.

[4:34] Yeah, this is, if anything, a Jeff Bridges vehicle.

[4:37] Except for, like, the love scenes.

[4:39] And those should have been for Jeff Bridges.

[4:41] I agree with you, but...

[4:43] Yeah, except for those, you got him, like, mugging about the whole movie, man.

[4:47] Yeah, with his Volstagg the Voluminous Beard

[4:51] and his just general thick, weird accent that you can't quite understand.

[4:55] This is a post-true-grit Jeff Bridges

[5:00] where he seems to think that acting means just a real incomprehensible voice.

[5:05] Do you think it's him or do you think that's the directors now are like,

[5:08] hmm, no, do that true grit thing.

[5:11] Yeah, maybe.

[5:12] Seems like I was planning on talking like this the whole time.

[5:14] I was going to enunciate all my lines ultra-clearly.

[5:20] The witches are a powerful force.

[5:23] A proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot.

[5:28] I am a drunken witch finder.

[5:32] Let us go burn the witches.

[5:34] You're getting into Queen Amidala territory.

[5:37] I will not swatch my people, Safa.

[5:40] You're getting into, like, Liam Neeson territory.

[5:42] This is how democracy dies.

[5:45] Liam Neeson?

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:47] That sounds like a sign that he's just repeating.

[5:50] That was a bit on Jordan Jesse Gilmore.

[5:52] Jordan was always talking about how when Liam Neeson played an American,

[5:56] he would over-enunciate.

[5:57] I have a very particular set of skills.

[6:00] When you see, when you watch old Monty Python episodes,

[6:02] whenever they do an American voice, they do that, too.

[6:04] Like, to an Englishman, or whatever, is Liam Neeson, what, Irish, I guess?

[6:09] To people from the U.K., Americans are people who over-enunciate the R's at the end of words.

[6:15] So in Monty Python, they'd be like,

[6:17] Well, over here, I'm going to show you the thing,

[6:22] because I'm from America.

[6:24] It's like, is that what we sound like?

[6:27] Oh, horrible.

[6:27] It's weird that they put an R in a word that doesn't even have it.

[6:30] I mean, some people do.

[6:31] That's the—

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:32] It looks more like snow than snow.

[6:35] Tell me, what do you think about my idea?

[6:38] Well, maybe it stinks.

[6:39] These are real lines from Monty Python.

[6:42] So, Seventh Son.

[6:43] Okay, smash cut.

[6:45] Smash cut to the movie we watched.

[6:47] It's set in a—

[6:48] Legendary logo.

[6:53] Moving on.

[6:54] Now, this is the pre-purchasing of legendary pictures by a Chinese media conglomerate.

[6:58] Okay.

[6:59] So this is a totally Western civilization film.

[7:02] Yeah.

[7:03] Although, I would say that it had a pretty nice variety of ethnicities represented in this movie.

[7:10] You got dragons, you got non-dragons.

[7:13] I mean, all the non-white people were villains?

[7:16] Not necessarily.

[7:17] What about that—

[7:18] What about Tusk?

[7:19] What about the—

[7:19] The mammoth man?

[7:20] What about—

[7:22] We'll get to Tusk in a second.

[7:23] What about the guy who's boat that they jump on and then gets capsized?

[7:26] You're right.

[7:26] And then disappears for a second.

[7:28] He assumed drowned.

[7:29] I assume he survived and is now thriving with his wife and, I don't know, 17 children.

[7:34] How many kids do people have in this universe?

[7:37] Well, at least seven if you're the seventh son of a seventh son.

[7:39] Yeah, and that's average, I guess.

[7:40] Now, he's like, did you only have seven children?

[7:44] Because that's very small in this time.

[7:46] So it's in some kind of made-up bullshit fantasy medieval time.

[7:50] That could have used a map.

[7:52] Stewart would have really liked a map.

[7:54] I was okay without a map.

[7:55] At least put it on the back of the DVD box.

[7:58] So I know what I'm getting into.

[7:59] With a bunch of little triangles that say that they're mountains, man.

[8:03] Yeah, if there's a marsh, I've got to know what I'm going to have to pack before I get into this movie.

[8:08] I don't think you know how movies work.

[8:10] I went to see that movie, The Martian.

[8:12] It was very expensive to build my own space suit.

[8:15] And all the marshes.

[8:18] Again.

[8:19] It's about a guy who lives in a marsh.

[8:21] We lost Matt Damon in a marsh.

[8:23] He's in a bog somewhere.

[8:24] Stewart, when he goes through—

[8:26] Hanging out with my pal John Carter.

[8:28] He's like, I'm going to go marshing this weekend.

[8:32] I don't even know if that's a thing.

[8:34] I've never heard anyone say that.

[8:36] It's where you go out into a field with a couple of buckets filled with mosquito eggs.

[8:40] Okay, follow me.

[8:42] What do you do with them?

[8:44] Well, you've got to wear a diaper.

[8:47] That's number one.

[8:48] I have more questions now.

[8:50] And a big floppy hat.

[8:52] Everything else is totally optional.

[8:54] Okay, I don't know what everything else is.

[8:57] You mean clothes?

[8:58] Or do you mean like a beach ball?

[9:00] Have you been bathing?

[9:01] These activities.

[9:03] You don't have to do salsa dancing.

[9:05] That's enough.

[9:06] That's certainly optional.

[9:08] Otherwise they force you to do it with other couples.

[9:10] And you're like, this is weird.

[9:12] This is not what I wanted or signed up for.

[9:14] I'm wearing a floppy hat.

[9:15] I'm not good at this part.

[9:18] So if you've been bathing, you need to cut that out.

[9:20] No bathing.

[9:21] We're not going to move an orange from one of our necks to another person's neck, are we?

[9:24] I don't want to do that.

[9:25] Or burst a balloon on somebody's lap.

[9:27] Yeah.

[9:28] I don't like resort games is what it comes down to.

[9:30] Why not?

[9:31] I'm on vacation.

[9:32] Just let me do what I want to do.

[9:33] And what you want to do is not to like inflate a balloon with your lover and awkwardly pop it in front of a crowd of other people that you've never.

[9:41] Exactly.

[9:42] The one thing I do is I call her my wife, not my lover.

[9:44] That's weird.

[9:45] You're on a fucking cruise for lovers.

[9:47] Come on, man.

[9:48] Look, when we booked this trip to Temptation Island, I assumed it was named after Saint Temptatious because it had been settled by the Portuguese in the 16th century.

[9:58] I didn't realize that it was an island.

[10:00] and for people to bring their mistresses and lovers because it's like you and

[10:04] your wife and then a whole bunch of models and their reference

[10:08] and jones-everett of course here and billy zane is the narrator i would

[10:11] imagine uh... look at how he couldn't be jones-everett

[10:16] slavery is reading a letter about it

[10:19] they got sent to you think you don't have severance was ever fired from

[10:22] someplace that they were like

[10:23] again here's your severance package is like hilarious give me the bucket

[10:30] who's sending all those letters to david Duchovny by the way

[10:32] the people who wrote them yeah but how are they going to send us our letters

[10:37] in newspapers across the country he just advertises in a little box

[10:40] have sex send me a letter about it to david Duchovny care of red shoe factory

[10:45] you know

[10:48] care of guy who reads sex letters next to his dog

[10:52] i thought he was always like walking the streets in like a coat like a rain

[10:56] like a slicker often i mean he was different than in uh...

[11:00] what was that show where it always opened with a woman taxicab confessions

[11:03] no sex stockings no it was a hotline something no it was one of these

[11:07] cinemax shows where it always open with a woman like cash cab taking a shower or

[11:11] sunbathing nude and then she'd get a letter and read it and then that was the

[11:14] story for the episode

[11:16] and that i was wondered why so she did some kind of like

[11:18] sex collector who like this is nude all the time and collects people's sex

[11:23] i think they're like sex chain letters so it's like

[11:26] i'd like to take a look at it and you'll have seven years bad luck

[11:30] at the line a friend of mine's cousin broke this chain

[11:33] and had sex and then had to describe it in a letter

[11:37] also it's a punishment yeah

[11:39] okay dear panels for my never thought this would happen to me

[11:42] but i had bad luck don't break this chain

[11:46] here's a letter about it

[11:48] uh... david to companies and seven thousand d what was that all about

[11:52] reggie diaries was that before after playing god

[11:56] uh... it was after he's playing god was the moment i was like

[11:59] who is david company has not as great as i thought it was a god was his attempt

[12:03] at at

[12:03] feature film stardom yeah

[12:05] dear david the company why are you still in california with a case love me

[12:10] but then you know i think i think i think i think i think i think i think i

[12:14] think why would you love me

[12:16] the song

[12:18] at the song

[12:19] there is a lot of endless lyrics

[12:23] back in the height of david company may be a world that's what the nation yet

[12:27] to come if you ever catch it

[12:29] and was coming down with a case of saying i like the moody blues or

[12:33] somebody that's right

[12:34] you know i'm not interested in david to calvin a

[12:38] whether somebody

[12:40] that said that they were still can and brass

[12:44] yep

[12:46] sunday nights on the x-files so i can order a night in white satin

[12:51] uh... the trench coat with a big heavy flashlight we really have not talked

[12:55] with me at all i don't know what it does that only makes files where they walked

[12:59] in with huge flashlights in their hands young what if they misplaced them and

[13:03] they just

[13:03] flashlights i think a little something like this

[13:07] these don't have any money i can't see anything

[13:09] what is this are you just pitching like a red shoe diaries this is my

[13:13] this is from my uh...

[13:15] my pornographic i mean it's comical it's a little while that i'm super easy

[13:19] to do

[13:20] that they didn't do your part of the nineties is that i think that we only do

[13:24] porno parodies of nineties that it's for f x x x the new spinoff of x x f f

[13:29] exactly what it's all porn

[13:31] but it's mostly simpsons reruns and

[13:34] uh... what we will be your porn parody for married children i would be called

[13:38] uh...

[13:39] married having sex with the children of now that's terrible so i don't think i

[13:42] don't know that uh... a frazier party called fucker

[13:45] uh...

[13:46] it's all about

[13:47] box that's all

[13:48] so i didn't have a box off that would lower your millennium buried he it would

[13:54] be called uh...

[13:55] well and i'm glad

[13:56] okay okay loan gunman

[13:58] uh... loan government called bone gunman okay that makes sense

[14:01] uh... now

[14:01] on millennium

[14:03] uh... it would be a little bit it would still be lance erickson a lot of hard

[14:07] work well he'd be like

[14:08] women find the irresistible it's my gift and my curse

[14:12] personal because uh...

[14:15] are sex

[14:16] okay it is not for me that is not a rough for me i don't like it but hey

[14:20] look

[14:21] i'm just the president of the network i don't have to get everything like

[14:23] everything we're programming for a wide-spectrum of yours you know

[14:26] now there's no judgments here now viper what would be that will be the porn

[14:29] parody of that that's the thing

[14:31] but i think it's like a fancy car you have sex with

[14:34] that makes sense well we have a lot of talent i guess a little bit more of a

[14:38] service that is above and beyond yet so

[14:41] seven son

[14:42] so it's the it's a fantasy era

[14:44] and uh... there's a which dragon woman played by julianne moore put names like

[14:49] a lot of instead of sequest it'll be sea breast

[14:53] uh... you know what i think you're working on it there's a there's

[14:57] potentially do you have a sequest thing

[14:59] yeah i can totally see a scene where someone has sex with a dolphin

[15:02] but let's keep working on the title

[15:05] i mean seaman's right there so if you could

[15:08] oh seaman quest

[15:10] would be better but instead of sequest dsv

[15:13] it's seaman quest dp i guess

[15:15] uh... yeah i mean i guess it does keep the the quest part is the important part

[15:19] right you want to uh... well we're not going to be able to book quest love to be in it if we didn't have quest in the title

[15:23] that's true

[15:25] so seven son seven son i get look here's the thing i'm just gonna come out and say it

[15:29] i have less to say about this movie than i normally would because

[15:34] i had a lot of fun watching it

[15:35] yeah

[15:36] so let's talk about what it was about

[15:38] let's go through the

[15:41] synopsis really fast there's a there's a witch dragon lady named mother malcolm

[15:44] played by julianne moore and a witch hunter named a spook in a term i did not

[15:49] feel comfortable with every time someone said it on screen

[15:52] yeah it's very

[15:54] it's a lot of white faces saying that

[15:56] and so there's a witch hunter let's just call him a witch hunter

[15:59] there's a witch hunter who has imprisoned her

[16:01] well he's not the last witch hunter he is the last witch hunter but that's

[16:05] i'd be predicted he's the penultimate witch hunter

[16:10] uh... he can he imprison her but the rise of the next blood moon which

[16:14] happens when every hundred years moon blood moon the rise of moon blood moon that is money on the

[16:18] floor that why didn't they put moon blood good in this movie i don't know

[16:22] they're always talking about blood moons

[16:24] now she's the world's only werewolf actress

[16:29] werewacktress

[16:31] uh...

[16:31] you keep workshopping that you know what you keep working on seabirds

[16:35] i've got this whiteboard over here i'm just writing down words so uh... this witch hunter has imprisoned her

[16:39] she escapes

[16:40] uh... the witch hunter is played by jeffrey daniels by jeff ridges

[16:46] uh... it's played by jeffrey ridges

[16:48] you may remember from the last picture show

[16:51] sure uh... and

[16:52] maybe fat city and what has he done since then not that much but he's kind of

[16:56] playing rooster cogburn slash big dude lebowski as a witch hunter

[17:01] he's always drinking he's a great fighter but he's like

[17:04] everything he says is kind of like this but it's more british

[17:09] it's a little more baney we'll have to fight a dragon batman

[17:14] mr wayne the blood moon

[17:17] so he's hard to understand at times but he's got so much charisma and he is

[17:22] aside from his accent being thick he's putting a lot of energy into this like

[17:25] he seems to have a lot of fun yeah he is not walking through this role

[17:29] i mean come on like if you were

[17:31] if you were

[17:32] a guy and you are a guy okay you got me i'm with you on this one

[17:37] okay there i got it okay i bought a ticket for this ride i want to see the rest of the day

[17:41] i did a several minute bit where i was talking about porn parodies of 90s shows so i'm pretty sure i'm a guy

[17:46] you've lived a full life

[17:48] nope just a young man but you've never gotten to

[17:52] wield a sword and fight witches

[17:55] once you get that chance you're going to put your whole heart and soul into that

[17:59] who knew it but like

[18:00] if you're going to be a dragon fighter you're going to be like fuck yeah i'm going to be

[18:03] i'm just going to put on a crazy voice and i'm going to put my whole heart into this thing

[18:08] there's a scene in it where jeff ridges is with his

[18:12] apprentice and they've just beaten up a witch

[18:14] he's really a warlock a warlock who can turn into a mean demon bear

[18:18] uh... copyright marvel comics i guess demon bear

[18:22] he's like we have to light him on fire and burn him alive to kill him and the guy's like i can't do it

[18:26] i'm not like you and jeff ridges goes not yet and then lights the witch on fire and turns around and goes

[18:32] but you will be

[18:34] you might as well just like cackle at that point

[18:38] this look in his eyes of just such total happiness like i can't believe i get to

[18:43] see this shit

[18:45] and i swear there was one part where he complains about he's talking about witches and then he just walks away and goes

[18:48] fucking witches

[18:50] he's totally into this part and julianne is more interested than i would think she would be

[18:56] there's that great scene where she offers alicia vikander a blood cake and it's got a bunch of worms

[19:01] crawling in it, oh man it's hilarious and then she delivers a monologue about the blood moon and all of those things

[19:05] yeah who knows that stuff's not so interesting

[19:08] uh... he and his

[19:10] apprentice kit harrington who you may know as john snow from the hit tv show

[19:14] game of bones on my channel

[19:18] uh... what was he in that pompey movie we watched? it was called pompey

[19:23] it was called pompey iron

[19:25] it was called pompey and it was about john wayne's sidekick from the man who shot liberty valance

[19:29] played by woody strode right

[19:31] that was woody strode in that role wasn't it? yeah i think so

[19:35] they track down mother malkin the evil witch dragon

[19:38] but uh oh she manages to kill kit harrington

[19:42] thus depriving

[19:43] kit harrington girl detective is dead depriving jeff ridges of his

[19:48] apprentice and so he goes to find a seventh son of a seventh son

[19:51] now i was always under the understanding that in legends

[19:54] the seventh son of a seventh son was a wizard but here the implication is that

[19:57] the seventh of a seventh is kind of

[20:00] super strong and super tough and has some kind of magical destiny is the

[20:03] real cool do just a super cool do just a great guy

[20:07] uh... destiny's child real

[20:10] uh... releases left aisle of the realty of the

[20:14] uh...

[20:16] and vote

[20:18] in that you're never gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it never

[20:21] gonna get it but you know you get it

[20:24] uh...

[20:25] salt or pepper correct it was my love and okay

[20:30] uh... he goes to the side of the whole

[20:32] i've never really

[20:34] now you'll get it uh... yeah we had a work harder for it

[20:38] free your mind and the rest will follow them in you know a lot and those of us

[20:41] are going to end both sides still be the shallow i know exactly the same number

[20:45] of invoked songs as the number of blues traveler songs i know okay which is that

[20:49] one about don't give me the runaround and the one about the hook brings you

[20:53] back

[20:54] uh... yeah those are different

[20:56] do you think i know that i would be the same so i think that is that what i was

[21:00] at the blues travelers in those songs when he traveled into the movie

[21:03] traveling traveler

[21:05] but what does it let you know that you don't have a blue traveler

[21:09] who rides the rails and you can still hear him saying i'm blue dabbled in

[21:14] that would die

[21:16] not only is that what i thought would be a lot of guys some of them

[21:21] the we're doing something that i'm blue guys you don't even have to say it

[21:25] yeah it's it's it just appears

[21:28] uh... he's like mister makes it feel like that way

[21:30] anyway

[21:31] back to seven son he goes to a farm where olivia williams is the mom and he

[21:35] has a son who is the seventh son of a seven son who is

[21:38] busy tending the pigs but he has dreams

[21:40] luke skywalker on tatooine style dreams of something bigger

[21:43] and uh... against the power converters jeff bridges comes by at you know already

[21:47] they've kind of established a little more color in this movie than most of the

[21:52] grim fantasy adventures we've watched the grim fandangos we're used to

[21:56] was that all in black and white or just the same exact same color?

[22:00] yep the full throttle

[22:03] the uh... maniac's mansion

[22:06] uh...

[22:07] so there was already like

[22:10] it felt like people were just putting more effort into this

[22:16] than they really

[22:17] needed to because it's a pretty generic fantasy movie but like

[22:22] the performers are a little bit better there's just like that much more of a

[22:25] type feeling of energy and like design i'd say for the most part the effects are better

[22:30] yeah at least they're interesting to look at yeah and there's literally like you

[22:34] said there's literally color on screen like people wear the colors blue and red

[22:37] and yellow in their clothes

[22:39] it's not just all dark greens and dark browns and like mush the editing is not

[22:44] uh... hyperkinetic

[22:46] you can see what's happening most of the time

[22:49] but there's a basic level of filmmaking skill let's say on display in this movie

[22:54] now so

[22:55] jeff bridges picks up this kid who's not really a kid he's like twenty or something

[22:59] yeah and makes him his new apprentice

[23:02] and they just kind of go around

[23:04] trying to track down julianne moore

[23:07] uh... meanwhile she's like rallying her troops and the kids mom gave him like a

[23:11] magic amulet

[23:12] to bring that's going to be important yeah julianne moore's rallying her troops and

[23:16] she's got a pretty good armory of crazy henchmen

[23:19] there's the god of swords who's kind of like a uh... best dude

[23:22] who's like a uh... like hindu deity type looking guy

[23:26] or uh... in that he's got four arms and he's blue

[23:29] abu-di-bu-da-bu-di

[23:32] and there's a cheetah woman

[23:34] there's a snake man

[23:36] or he's more of a gecko man as you made clear and there's jimon hanshu who either

[23:39] turns into a dragon or his horse turns into a dragon this is not super clear

[23:44] and everybody has

[23:46] bone chains that they can throw out like scorpion in

[23:50] mortal kombat or the bad guy at the end of brotherhood of the wolf

[23:53] everybody has these like

[23:55] throwing chains with blades at the end of them

[23:57] uh...

[23:58] and there's just a bunch of adventures it's it's they're trying to she's trying

[24:02] to cause trouble

[24:03] before the blood moon while

[24:05] he's trying to

[24:06] they're trying to stop her and they encounter a couple different types of

[24:09] monsters

[24:10] there's a bear guy they fight a bear man they fight a big like kind of

[24:15] a thing that looks a little bit like the cyclops from seventh voyage of sinbad

[24:18] uh... he falls he starts falling in love with a witch like a baggins or something

[24:22] yeah baggins

[24:24] like a boogans

[24:26] like a boogans

[24:27] it was a booger

[24:30] from revenge of the nerds

[24:31] uh... sure

[24:33] okay

[24:35] and that would be great

[24:36] honestly if they were fighting a booger from revenge of the nerds

[24:40] this would be a five star movie

[24:44] uh... because he elevates everything that he's done

[24:48] uh...

[24:48] they uh... they have

[24:51] meanwhile the

[24:52] julianne moore's sister has a daughter who's a witch

[24:55] she's played by ex machina and

[24:58] she starts falling in love

[25:00] with the hero because as she tells him

[25:03] after it happens or is she just trying to trick him so that he'll free her and

[25:07] she'll leave him down in that

[25:09] like fancy mansion to like starve to death i'm assuming

[25:12] and then she'll go off and live amongst humans

[25:17] uh... so anyway and we're forgetting

[25:20] the most the best character in the whole movie

[25:23] a little guy and by that i mean a big guy named tusk

[25:26] now tusk he's as loyal as he is ugly

[25:30] he's best described as a leftover latex mask from some other movie

[25:34] that has been applied to a tall actor so he looks a little bit like if robert davy had

[25:39] just like weird giant vampire tusks

[25:41] yeah or if like tom waits after morphing into ron perlman just kept on morphing

[25:47] just keep on morphing huh?

[25:49] dan what's your joke analogy for what he looks like

[25:51] uh...

[25:53] he's like uh...

[25:54] uh... goblin mixed with a toothpaste tube

[25:57] that doesn't really

[25:59] doesn't really help me

[26:00] that makes sense

[26:01] uh... but he

[26:02] and there's a couple times when jeff bridges is like oh he's as loyal as he is ugly and

[26:06] it gets to a point where it feels like he looks like he's shaving him

[26:09] yeah

[26:10] notoriously uh... notorious hollywood hunk jeff bridges

[26:15] it feels like yeah a long time tusk yeah yeah he's got that amazing beard

[26:20] he's a very handsome man he's just older now tusk like

[26:24] go see any movie he made from the seventies through like the year two thousand

[26:28] yeah no he's a super handsome what are you talking about

[26:31] he's a very handsome man it does feel like maybe like tusk like

[26:36] stole a lady from him at some point

[26:38] and now he just feels like he just needs to rub in like at any point he's like no but

[26:42] you're ugly you're ugly stupid i know you're my most loyal friend but you're ugly

[26:47] now and tusk is like well i may be ugly but you know

[26:50] sometimes a girl likes a strong silent type

[26:53] not always talking in a in a conferenceable accent i'm a good eater i'm a sexy ugly

[26:57] you know i've got like this uh... quiet conference

[27:01] yeah and we've indicated that he can at least pee a large volume of water onto a

[27:05] fire right which is what women love

[27:09] you know what they say about it that's what they talk about in the locker room women are like that don't

[27:13] impress me much

[27:14] can you put out a fire with your that don't impress me much

[27:20] leonardo's wife shania why don't you put out a fire with your uh... impressive urine stream

[27:25] so you'll breadfitted that don't impress me much

[27:30] no that's not the song we're singing

[27:33] so there uh... there's a lot of adventures we can go through all of them in detail but we're not going to

[27:38] uh... they fight some dragons they fight a big monster they fight another monster

[27:43] eventually uh... jeff bridges takes

[27:46] his apprentice to his like

[27:47] secret steampunk hideout cave where he has swords and things and here's the thing i liked about the movie

[27:53] aside from the

[27:54] uh... throwing chains which the bad guys use so i'll just say they're magic

[27:58] the hero does not have a bunch of like steampunk inventions

[28:02] they're just swords and axes he's got like a magic staff and he's got like

[28:06] powders that have magical properties and the training montage had like a bunch of good jokes in it

[28:10] i can't i like i just remember that they existed i can't really remember what they were

[28:14] there's a bunch of good jokes in it and there's one particularly good joke later on where

[28:18] uh... he's always got this magic flask yeah and i assume it's magic because it's never

[28:22] well that was the one joke i remember i mean like your joke is later on but like the one joke i do remember from the

[28:28] uh... the montage is where it's like

[28:31] he has the flask and he's like this is a magic potion what does it give you he's like

[28:34] courage but it's just like alcohol yeah

[28:37] and but then later on what does this kill cowardice yeah exactly and later on he

[28:41] gives him a taste of the flask

[28:43] and he takes a sip the younger guy

[28:46] and then he's about to take another sip and jeff bridges goes no you

[28:48] you must only take one sip a day

[28:51] why is that

[28:52] because it's mine

[28:54] it's like that's a solid joke yeah

[28:56] uh... then delivers very well

[28:58] uh... eventually they all catch up with each other at

[29:01] uh... there's a there's a town that the witches go to

[29:05] for whatever i don't know why they went to that town because another witch was burned there or something

[29:09] yeah it's where the bear guy got burned it's where they burned mr bear

[29:12] and uh... where paddington the witch that's the noise the bear makes

[29:17] it's just the song the bear sings

[29:20] uh... that's a flashback that's an old flop house episode

[29:23] that's just the song the song the bear plays

[29:26] go find it i'm not going to tell you what episode it's from because i don't remember

[29:30] one missed call

[29:31] oh it was one missed call

[29:32] spoiler alert

[29:34] spoiler alert that's the song the bear makes

[29:39] so the uh... the witches all are mad and they're like we're gonna make an example of these

[29:43] jerks so they go in force and like

[29:46] blow stuff up and they all transform and use all their powers

[29:50] and this is actually a kind of fun little scene because like

[29:53] like there's a fair amount of motion to the sequence it's not like the

[29:57] fucking avengers montage at the end of the

[30:00] first avengers movie

[30:01] but it's still pretty good

[30:02] uh... there's i mean they're going to drag a monster person through walls most

[30:07] of the action sequences in this movie i enjoyed

[30:09] the last one at the end of the little you know i was a little sloppy

[30:12] they it does fall under the problem a lot of these have it's like

[30:15] these are the toughest toughest roughest bad guys in the world

[30:20] all while we're running out of time let's just kill these guys quick okay i

[30:24] two hits and you're done uh... king god of swords

[30:27] you're gonna get lit on fire pretty quick

[30:29] uh... snake man you died already a long time ago

[30:32] you uh... i guess you'll get stabbed in the gut and you're dead now and most of

[30:35] the time the bad guy just like totally underestimates the other

[30:39] person and then they get stabbed and they die

[30:42] it's not like they're like fighting they're just like standing there for a

[30:44] second but they're dead and there's no brilliant stratagem that the hero it's

[30:47] not like

[30:48] i discovered the one weakness and now i'll exploit it

[30:51] they're being set on fire they don't like that

[30:54] these witch's weaknesses is everything that would kill a person

[30:57] fire stabbing i assume a gunshot wound

[31:01] maybe just a heart attack my only weakness is my own mortality

[31:05] like it's a step away from one of the bad guys just clutching his chest and

[31:09] dropping dead of a heart attack

[31:11] or like if the god of swords was swinging his swords at you and then had a brain

[31:14] aneurysm and died like that

[31:16] sometimes happens it's not quite as sloppy as that but it's a little bit

[31:20] but anyway olivia williams it turns out

[31:23] she gave the amulet she gave to her son

[31:25] is a special secret blood rock stone thing

[31:28] that gives mother malkin extra superpower badness she wants that thing

[31:33] yeah and so

[31:34] uh... a little you know i have it in the words of the movie she's got a have you

[31:37] know that's what i have that mcguffin

[31:42] it was weird as much as she's gonna have it and i was like this is a like this is

[31:45] a really good just kind of look at

[31:46] a couple people's lives at all well now they're fighting over a magic amulet

[31:51] i thought what she had to have was love and sex but i guess it was that magic

[31:54] amulet yeah and if she finds that amulet will become she's all that

[31:59] uh... i was just an amulet to you

[32:02] yep a stupid amulet

[32:05] uh...

[32:06] freddie prins jr

[32:09] truly a prince among men

[32:11] take that wing commander

[32:14] take that guy who wanted to play spider-man but didn't get the part

[32:19] take that

[32:20] mister sarah michelle geller

[32:22] are they married

[32:23] uh... they at least were i don't know if that's still happening

[32:28] write in to

[32:29] are they married care of dan mccoy

[32:31] one two three freddie prins jr write in and tell me whether you're still

[32:34] married to sarah michelle geller

[32:37] smg you can write in to tell us if you're still married to the prins she's

[32:40] probably pretty busy though

[32:42] uh... with what

[32:43] uh... what what is she clarissa

[32:46] that's right

[32:49] is she uh... is she sabrina even clarissa isn't clarissa anymore

[32:55] or sabrina

[32:57] in the movie sabrina i'm surprised that clarissa isn't clarissa anymore because she had to

[33:01] explain it all

[33:03] she had to explain all of it and like she can't be done

[33:06] by now she explained it all i mean no i mean like

[33:10] that would take an infinite amount of time

[33:12] it's merely a drop of water in an ocean of knowledge

[33:16] but that's the thing about a drop of water the entire ocean is in that drop

[33:19] it's like the weighting of the whale is explained at all

[33:22] beneath all the impatience

[33:24] small bites? grains of sand is what i'm saying elliot

[33:29] i hate sand it's so rough it gets everywhere not like natalie portman's skin

[33:35] wait where does it get

[33:37] wait where does her skin get? it just gets on her i don't remember what

[33:41] hayden panetteri

[33:45] i don't remember what anakin said in that movie okay

[33:48] all i remember is that he was touching her back. if hayden panetteri played the hayden christensen

[33:52] she'd actually be pretty good at that

[33:56] that's THE hayden christensen

[33:59] if she played the hayden christensen in shattered glass

[34:05] i love it all she's in a movie called shattered hayden which is about the

[34:09] making of shattered glass a real hero is tapped to play hayden christensen

[34:14] all right this is your job flop house fans

[34:17] this is your job are you paying for it? it's called

[34:21] one of those benefits it's called hayden switch

[34:25] 2016 switch out hayden christensen for hayden panetteri

[34:29] in in both of their projects yeah in any project

[34:33] then show it to your grandparent who's gonna be like i don't know who these people are

[34:38] but i appreciate the attention thank you for visiting me

[34:45] yeah uh so there's a big fight on this amulet

[34:48] the daughter who the the hero is falling in love with runs off with it

[34:52] after uh he saved her life from the witch hunter

[34:56] yeah uh there's a big fight at the ruins at the at the legends of the hidden

[34:59] temple that julianne moore lives in uh they fight fight fight fight they

[35:04] fight they fight they fight and fight and fight

[35:06] a bunch of witches turn into uh like flaming paper

[35:10] they turn into flaming paper when they die and the good guys win in the end and

[35:14] it turns out that jeff bridges had once loved mother malcolm they were

[35:18] in love together and it was only because he she loved him

[35:21] that he was able to trick her into being imprisoned so many years

[35:24] before uh and he is about to stab her but then

[35:27] she fights him and then uh our the apprentice just kind of throws a knife

[35:31] right into her gut and then burns her up it's a call goodbye

[35:34] michelle malkin that's why he was training him to throw

[35:37] knives so well so that she would he would show up at the end and it is the

[35:41] only training he gets he gets magic powder education and knife

[35:45] throwing and that's about it oh any sword fights with a with some kind

[35:48] of possessed suit of armor uh poorly yes yeah and so and then

[35:54] you have fought in poorly you fought yeah i was supposed to say you'd chosen

[35:59] poorly but i made it fought instead uh charles fought in the actor and

[36:03] director right night of the first one movie yeah

[36:07] uh man he should have made more uh movies

[36:11] and in the end uh in the end we have uh our hero

[36:15] uh whose name i don't remember let's just call him seven son

[36:18] seven son kisses alicia vikander who then turns into the wind yeah she

[36:23] like women do yep just like a woman and for a second you think that he's going

[36:27] to go riding off into adventure but nope nope

[36:29] he's gonna he gets a tattoo on his on his hand

[36:33] that means he's a witch i mean a brand from a hot piece of metal yeah whatever

[36:37] it gets branded and now he is now that that witch cave

[36:41] is his and he gets to stay there with tusk

[36:45] because tusk i guess owed jeff bridges a life debt and is now

[36:48] gonna be passed on to ever and jeff bridges rides off to

[36:51] i guess seek his fortune and uh and that and

[36:55] the bell tolls and that's what tells them that there's a witch to be

[36:58] about uh and he puts his hoodie up and is on his way the the apprentice

[37:05] that is yeah because he i because he meant wears

[37:07] much like it irritated stewart that eddie murphy and the golden child

[37:11] were like a white hoodie with the hood half cut off it bothered me that the

[37:14] apprenticeness is basically just wearing a white

[37:16] champion brand hoodie through the entire movie it really

[37:20] threw me off and at the only well it's a classic white hat trope elliot

[37:24] what if it was a white hoodie yeah it wasn't even like a cloak

[37:28] yeah i mean he looked he even had a drawstring for the hood if he

[37:32] if he went to a comic book convention and he was like yeah this is my costume

[37:36] i'm the guy from assassin's creed people'd be like

[37:38] you look terrible fourth place fourth place is pretty good yeah it's a

[37:43] small comic book convention i mean it's just outside of placing

[37:47] what it's just outside of placing though like it's kind of insulting just

[37:50] to be like just outside yeah i mean they're giving it to him because he's

[37:53] like got magic powers still we're fourth place you still win a $15 gift

[37:57] certificate like you had to see him goody which closed years ago now you can

[38:02] only go to sam baddie

[38:06] now uh let me say this my description was pretty lackluster

[38:10] no it's fine but i feel like this because i feel like it's because when

[38:14] you did a great job for some reason super when it's a bad movie

[38:17] the details are burned into my brain and i want to discuss them

[38:21] but i genuinely really had fun watching yeah i mean we're skipping the final

[38:25] test let's just do it now it's by no means a great movie or even a

[38:28] particularly good movie but i would like enjoyed it so much that

[38:31] i kind of didn't remember it that well afterwards

[38:34] yeah i'm which is why this is the worst flop house episode

[38:37] and uh oh man in the uh we can still save it

[38:41] okay no in the uh flop house categories of

[38:45] good bad movie bad bad movie movie kind of liked i gotta say i definitely kind

[38:48] of like this movie uh me too every look i think that

[38:53] our nominal hero for this movie blandy blanderson like

[38:57] you can kind of fast forward through all his name like

[39:01] like todd or something what's the character's name uh the character's name

[39:05] is tom anytime that he's so close i'll give you a 55 credit okay can i

[39:13] redeem that sam goody yes you can get a one-third of a mobile

[39:16] fidelity gold disc it sounds better because it's gold so

[39:20] pay me a hundred dollars for this cd anytime that guy's on screen without

[39:25] jeff bridges uh you can pretty much just skip it

[39:29] ignore the movie luckily jeff bridges in like most of the

[39:33] film so uh i mean this is a movie that by all

[39:36] rights jeff bridges should have been in three scenes and julianne moore should

[39:39] have been in two scenes and yet they have really consistent

[39:42] presences throughout the movie yeah and are really fun to watch and julianne

[39:46] moore gets to wear some really crazy costumes jeff bridges

[39:50] got like a claw glove that she scrapes people up with if jeff bridges

[39:55] had brought this level to r.i.p.d

[39:58] yeah that could have elevated

[40:00] that movie it shows you how much he makes a movie

[40:03] yeah it really uh... and buddy has the same kind of mumbly performance but he

[40:08] is just so much more fun and i don't know if it's because the supporting

[40:11] cast seems a little better than our a p d like alicia the candor seems pretty

[40:15] good

[40:17] that's i'd also

[40:18] there's

[40:19] i felt like with our a p d

[40:22] they were really convinced that that was like an amazing premise yeah and they

[40:25] were like people who love this problem of men in black and that's way crazier

[40:29] instead of aliens it was ghosts

[40:32] this is i feel like they know the premise is not that

[40:35] original

[40:36] it's just a guy trying to hunt down a big bad magic monster

[40:39] and so

[40:41] i don't know it felt like they put a little bit more effort into just like

[40:45] what would be a fun thing for them to do here

[40:48] if here's a monster that has bad eyesight

[40:50] let's have it like just barging through things and slamming into mountains

[40:55] the effects for that one were pretty cool the i wish they they did less with

[40:59] the

[40:59] the like

[41:00] uh... julianne moore tail attack that she used on everybody yeah i think i got

[41:05] bored of that which is a little crappy and all the morphing effects were i guess

[41:09] alright but

[41:10] there was uh... one character turns into a white dragon and that effect never

[41:13] looked very good

[41:15] and i feel like with with that sort of shit

[41:18] like less is more dude just do like it's probably cheaper to do less of it

[41:23] there's a part of the end where uh...

[41:25] jim and i choose character is a dragon is fighting

[41:28] jeopardy is ever just

[41:29] you'll find me as a dragon have you no honor

[41:31] and it's been too much it turns into a person again

[41:34] it's almost like he's he's like

[41:35] we're running out of money for the effects budget just be a bad we're not

[41:39] so there's a lot of black dragon in a white dragon circling each other like a

[41:42] really cool you know

[41:45] we can't afford a third dragon

[41:47] that while it was that union and what else i don't know what we only have

[41:50] money for a double dragon for this final fight

[41:55] for the nes

[42:06] hello internet i'm travis mackleroy

[42:09] and i'm teresa mackleroy she is my wife and he's my husband and it is our

[42:13] pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast

[42:16] schmanners

[42:18] it's extraordinary etiquette for ordinary occasions teresa let me ask you this

[42:22] can you teach me how to write a thank you note? yes i can. how about tips to

[42:27] improve my table manners? i'll do my best. and will you finally explain to me the

[42:31] difference between casual and business casual and cocktail and formal and

[42:36] black tie and all that stuff? if anybody can't, i can.

[42:40] but like it's gonna be funny right?

[42:42] of course i'm going to give historical origins

[42:45] and how those manners fit into our everyday lives

[42:49] how could it not be funny?

[42:51] but also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts right?

[42:54] yeah when not to. but we'll still talk about it.

[42:57] yes. great. so come join us for our new hilarious show. no rsvp required.

[43:03] coming to you soon

[43:04] every friday on maximumfun.org it's schmanners!

[43:08] manners schmanners

[43:10] get it?

[43:12] just a note from our sponsor for the uh... show this week

[43:17] the flop house is supported by

[43:19] squarespace. you bet it is. squarespace. build it beautiful.

[43:26] squarespace is the simplest way to create a compelling website from the

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[43:48] you should

[43:49] squarespace

[43:51] now here's the thing you said bizarre stories right? because i have an idea for a website

[43:55] and i wanted to run it by you guys. i thought maybe squarespace could help. it's called

[43:58] www.sewerbath.com and here's something that i've never mentioned to you guys

[44:03] we might explain. it sounds great. the smell. i have a fear of clean water

[44:07] and so when i bathe

[44:09] i go into the sewers much like a ninja turtle or a chud

[44:12] or uh... you know any of you know. let me get the picture. or like an orson welles

[44:16] in the third man or a dark man. that's what he's doing down there. he's bathing.

[44:23] uh... a you know

[44:25] phantom ass you know one of those types

[44:27] so i take a lot of baths in sewage and as a result i see a lot of

[44:32] interesting things. as a result i have hepatitis c. i mean that's another thing

[44:36] do you guys know a cure for cholera?

[44:39] so i want to start this website called www.sewerbath.com. it's just pictures of famous people.

[44:44] www.abudabi.sewerbath.com

[44:47] www.abudabi.sewerbath.com. i'm saying normal there.

[44:51] so do you think square space would be helpful? because i've got to put up a lot of pictures

[44:55] and also i like to write stories about the objects i find in the sewer.

[44:59] so do you think i could put a text? so there's a whole section. i'm assuming you can put text in this

[45:02] website that you're... i hope so because here's the thing. i don't know anything about coding.

[45:06] i do have a slick

[45:09] coating of grease from my sewer baths. but i don't know about anything about

[45:12] computer coding. but you think square space could even help me?

[45:17] could square space help me, a guy who doesn't know anything about websites? i'm pretty sure.

[45:21] dan, you want to check the notes?

[45:23] square space helps you capture a story with a captivating website, says the notes.

[45:27] so what website should i go to?

[45:30] you should go to

[45:31] www.squarespace.com

[45:33] flop

[45:34] how do you spell flop?

[45:35] f l o p

[45:37] how do you spell square?

[45:39] s q

[45:41] wait, s... you have it written in front of you, dude. s q u a r e. here's the bit i was going to do.

[45:47] i was going to ask you to spell square and then space and after you aced those

[45:51] i was going to ask you to spell a really complicated word, but i'm just going to skip that bit

[45:55] since you stumbled over the word square. i'm distracted by the next bit

[46:00] which is

[46:02] uh... in my hand. well, we gotta prepare.

[46:04] um...

[46:07] took the wind out of my sails on that one, dan.

[46:10] well, squarespace.com. well, thanks, squarespace. build it, squarespace.

[46:14] uh...

[46:16] yeah, we've received a lot of

[46:19] gifts

[46:21] from listeners and i wanted to thank people.

[46:23] the flop house mailbag is bursting at the seams. yeah, the physical mailbag is

[46:28] bursting in a way that it hasn't

[46:30] ever

[46:31] uh...

[46:32] first, i want to read this letter

[46:35] uh... from

[46:36] nathan

[46:37] last name withheld

[46:39] dear flop beasts, hey guys, i'm a huge fan of the flop house

[46:43] and i just wanted to give you guys this gift. i worked at a used record stop

[46:47] shop in detroit

[46:49] and amazingly ran across this forty five rpm single of robbie buchanan

[46:54] performing the chosen one

[46:55] from the soundtrack of the golden child.

[46:59] uh... now he says that elliot should have this because he specifically mentioned

[47:04] liking the music

[47:05] but anyone who has a turntable could take it

[47:09] uh... alas, i do not have one

[47:11] yeah, i think i'm the only one with a record

[47:13] player, right?

[47:15] uh... yeah, that checks out

[47:17] uh... i'll allow it. there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't own a record player

[47:22] in any event, consider it a token of my appreciation for what you guys do

[47:27] it's kept me laughing since the classic oogie loves episode

[47:30] uh...

[47:31] so i appreciate it. now there was a movie worth flopping

[47:34] so this is a uh... a single

[47:38] of robbie buchanan

[47:40] the chosen one. are you going to put it on air? from the golden child soundtrack

[47:45] uh... no i don't think i'm going to put it on air although

[47:49] this does remind me that

[47:51] uh... john begin

[47:53] john bigan, i assume john bigan

[47:56] did a version of elliot's uh...

[48:00] that's how it works song

[48:03] that will be put on this episode. please do because that was a masterpiece what he

[48:07] put together there

[48:09] i feel like he really made uh... he both made me sound better than i actually do

[48:13] and by putting music behind it

[48:15] showed me how totally off-key i am all the time

[48:18] so stay tuned uh... after the episode to listen to

[48:22] the single version of that's how it works

[48:25] that's not the album cut. assuredly, the song of the winner

[48:29] the album version has a lot more production elements on it

[48:33] the song of the winner

[48:36] but thank you to nathan uh... for uh... the chosen one from the soundtrack to the

[48:41] golden child

[48:42] but moving on

[48:44] also

[48:45] uh... in the uh... physical mailbox this week

[48:51] what? i'm just look

[48:53] i'm doing my best not to make fun of your mispronunciations

[48:56] uh... michelle last name withheld

[49:00] uh... sent out these uh... zines that she made

[49:04] whoa! we love zines! peaches beat

[49:07] the magazine for purposoids and purposettes

[49:11] uh...

[49:12] the tiger beat for fans of the flop house with a lot of uh... great

[49:16] photos of us

[49:18] sent to ourselves

[49:21] uh...

[49:23] quotes

[49:24] uh... quizzes

[49:26] here's at least one picture that compares your beard to uh... reicher's

[49:30] beard dan. it is a very reicher-ish beard

[49:34] so thank you michelle for that. thank you very much. oh this is lovely

[49:38] you guys vamp for a second while i go

[49:40] vamping it up. bleh bleh bleh i want to suck your blood

[49:46] but i barely know you let's talk. oh yeah let's uh... batman

[49:52] uh... i live in gotham. i'm a billionaire i suppose. ah fascinating

[49:57] fascinating. i'm a billionaire

[50:00] vampire sure uh... how's your relationship with your parents might not

[50:04] agree to do you mean my real parents or my vampire father who turned me into a

[50:09] creature of the night uh... they should do both is not move

[50:13] uh...

[50:14] uh... so yeah i mean biological i don't quite understand

[50:18] they're both biology related uh...

[50:20] and you know what do you do in your spare time

[50:24] uh... if i'll be kind of like parkour

[50:28] interesting that it's gadget based i do a lot of jumping off of buildings and

[50:32] landing in a three-point style with my legs and one arm down on the ground uh...

[50:37] do you want it's weird i'd distinctly remember making my dad and i'm going to

[50:42] let you add and yet you responded to your getting closer and further

[50:47] it's got to be

[50:48] you know uh...

[50:49] my film of his girl though i'm a vampire by the way it was like

[50:53] uh... there's something i should tell you about myself uh...

[50:58] i'm not actually a vampire you really don't need a vamp anymore we're moving

[51:02] moving on uh... okay back to the flop house house words so from uh...

[51:07] it's hard to read his uh...

[51:11] his signature

[51:12] but i'm gonna say from d gary that's what i'm gonna go with

[51:17] we have we'll have to get our flop house handwriting expert in here which is dan

[51:22] unfortunately i don't know if you donate a little of the flop house

[51:26] and also

[51:27] he sent us uh...

[51:29] dvds

[51:30] the stuff

[51:31] i don't know any

[51:33] jim carter that's a great that's an amazing movie and some ziggy valentine

[51:37] uh... he doesn't know love is lonely so we'll split what we want to crack that

[51:42] box of them but i think i have to go argue over who

[51:45] gets what after the show that is that we're going to be fighting over the

[51:48] city valentine's yeah

[51:50] uh...

[51:51] but lastly because i think because i have to go back to second grade tomorrow

[51:55] just kidding thanks for sending them

[51:57] they're great

[52:00] and what are you breaking that was some radio effects were dandruff and is

[52:03] literally sitting next to a pile of things yeah

[52:06] yes i

[52:07] lastly uh...

[52:09] great thanks to uh...

[52:11] ashley

[52:12] jan and who sent in a bunch of of not only the last name

[52:17] yes sir

[52:18] she's in a bunch of she's a solution program but that's okay a bunch of the

[52:22] late cage miss uh... gifts

[52:26] and she said it would be great if you could open them on air

[52:30] and i said

[52:32] so i have no idea what these things are really offensive

[52:35] impossible

[52:37] and we we can edit this out now it's important to know that we have a lot of

[52:42] this like undateable these are

[52:44] the giants

[52:46] uh... packages on these are large packages i had to take a cab home for

[52:50] world's number and about your package so i was listening to the large packages

[52:54] so i'm gonna allow that is a lot of stuff distribute these out here

[53:00] are they to anyone in particular this will open there's no indication of who

[53:04] gets what so we just over these

[53:07] okay then you're listening to the sound of us opening things are late cage miss

[53:10] give riveting audio games miss is the annual holiday every december where we

[53:15] watch nicholas cage movies and i was right after sadler member

[53:19] when i was in a little bit of a little sad there was a little sad little

[53:22] movies

[53:23] i hope that would be great

[53:26] but this was just do what it says i don't know

[53:30] this one is uh... to dan should i just keep it and i think so yeah

[53:36] and this one also has to do it okay so i guess nothing for me that's why i don't

[53:40] know how my life is full of blessings i need for nothing to do it over here i

[54:13] wrapped in in uh... well i'd like to restore and

[54:22] you know uh... mine is totally unwrapped so i'll describe it i am looking at a

[54:26] lovely totally unwrapped sounds like the name of a reality show about the

[54:31] wrapping paper company

[54:34] uh...

[54:35] uh... that is run by a couple parts to keep it up

[54:40] so i'm uh... bravo

[54:41] so this is a uh... a lovely it looks like a print of a map of tolkien's

[54:47] middle-earth that has been lovingly framed

[54:49] and some nice greens and golds that's perfect for the uh...

[54:53] elvin theme in my uh... living room

[54:58] yeah you do call your living room a livendell

[55:00] yep where we only speak

[55:02] we only speak quenya and sindarin

[55:05] depending on the time of year

[55:08] well

[55:09] this is and this is also framed over here it's huge

[55:13] and this is it looks like

[55:15] one of the

[55:18] it's one of the

[55:20] posters for the taking of pallum one two three

[55:23] my favorite movie of all time

[55:24] the original version

[55:26] not the remake not the remake ok

[55:29] and also in a lovely frame

[55:31] and i uh... got uh... so uh... i've got this smaller frame

[55:36] which is a uh...

[55:38] this looks to have been taken from i think it may be an instagram i did or

[55:42] something

[55:44] uh... where i turned a

[55:47] uh... plastic knife into a shark

[55:50] uh... alright

[55:53] and uh... i'm showing it to elliot right now

[55:56] uh... you really don't

[55:58] have a lot to do at work huh

[55:59] well

[56:01] and uh...

[56:03] but uh...

[56:04] sort of the larger gift here is a uh... i hope it's a framed picture of me and

[56:08] elliot no it's a framed

[56:10] it's a framed cover of the uh... flash gordon uh...

[56:14] oh that's great nice

[56:17] is it the doc shaner cover or is it the definitely the doc shaner cover

[56:22] the superior cover i don't want to see

[56:25] well burn some bridges why don't you just like jeff bridges on fire like

[56:29] almost happened like seven son

[56:31] we're not saying that like

[56:33] i'm not saying that i have the artist who did the other forever i'm just the

[56:36] other cameras will be cutesy for me as well now this is this is a delight

[56:41] thank you very much

[56:42] and thank you very much we don't deserve any of this stuff

[56:46] wonderful

[56:47] uh... why the

[56:48] little though we're not going to open on air and also like to thank uh...

[56:52] louis michael louis michael powell who sent along a grab bag of stuff

[56:58] uh... collection of dvds

[57:00] buffy the vampire slayer collectible card games

[57:03] a uh... baseball mitt that i'm assuming is for uh... david last name withheld

[57:08] uh... elliott's brother

[57:09] uh... exceder exceder it was back to the majors yeah

[57:15] uh... so thank you very much for that louis

[57:17] uh... i'm sure you'll see pictures of all this stuff on the internet soon

[57:23] that's a lot of gift stuff that's a lot of stuff

[57:26] thank you very much thank you everybody

[57:28] just so you know we don't do it for the gifts we do it for the laughs but uh...

[57:32] chit-chatting

[57:33] uh... don't tell that to the squarespace

[57:36] and then squarespace we do it to the squarespace

[57:38] uh... surprisingly enough though do you have more things we can unwrap on air

[57:42] no

[57:43] surprisingly enough that was not our official letter section

[57:47] what? i'm glad i didn't sing a song

[57:49] uh... this is our official letter section

[57:52] uh...

[57:54] and uh... what that taught me is that if you have special instructions for your

[57:58] thing

[57:58] just tell dan to do it that way because he'll do it

[58:01] if you're like now for this gift i want you to read this letter backwards

[58:05] when you open this take off all your clothes at your workplace of work all

[58:09] right i have to do it i guess

[58:10] law of letters

[58:12] uh... letter law has spoken

[58:14] i want to say uh... so this is the this is the first letter

[58:18] and it's a bit of a serious letter i mean it's actually quite a serious letter

[58:22] so uh... i'm just warning people

[58:25] uh... now

[58:27] but it goes like this uh... dear floppers

[58:30] unfortunately i write in dire circumstances

[58:33] my older adopted brother recently decided to end his life

[58:38] he was a twenty eight-year-old history

[58:40] secondary high school teacher

[58:43] and my last experience with him was listening to united passions together

[58:47] and him moaning about his beloved liverpool

[58:50] as he made me a fan of the show and toward the end it was one of the few

[58:54] things that made me happy

[58:57] he was always too scared to write it himself but i hope that the flop house

[59:01] listeners give their love to thompson's late family the bradley's

[59:04] and use this as another reason to speak about mental health

[59:09] uh... so obviously that is

[59:12] very

[59:13] very

[59:13] sad news

[59:15] about uh...

[59:18] thomas

[59:20] and uh...

[59:22] we appreciate that we released

[59:25] some solace

[59:27] this uh...

[59:30] as he

[59:32] was clearly going through a lot of pain in his life

[59:35] uh...

[59:37] we are comedy shows so it's difficult to say anything about

[59:41] this in a larger sense

[59:42] but uh...

[59:45] i i don't know i know that i've gone through

[59:48] a lot of issues with depression and i know that

[59:52] both of you had your problems

[59:54] in the past i'd urge anyone who's having trouble

[59:58] to seek help

[1:00:00] but then to give in to despair.

[1:00:05] And that's about all I can say about it.

[1:00:07] Yeah, I mean, I would definitely say

[1:00:09] that having been doing the show for a number of years,

[1:00:13] I've interacted, like it's allowed me to interact

[1:00:16] with a lot of people, and it's kind of shown me

[1:00:20] that there's a lot of great people out there

[1:00:24] and a lot of people that you can connect with,

[1:00:26] whether it's through the internet or whatever,

[1:00:29] whether it's through just listening to podcasts

[1:00:32] and finding some kind of human connection.

[1:00:34] And that's at least helped me.

[1:00:41] You can never know what's going on

[1:00:42] inside of another person's head,

[1:00:46] and so I'm always wary to pretend

[1:00:50] that I've reached places

[1:00:53] that other people might have reached or not.

[1:00:56] It's hard for me to know how my experiences

[1:00:59] would compare to somebody else's,

[1:01:01] but I was writing something recently

[1:01:04] that was on a similar theme to this

[1:01:06] about kind of seeing where my life could have gone

[1:01:12] or might have gone if the wrong things had happened

[1:01:17] and how the only solution to that for me was other people,

[1:01:22] was just like opening myself to other people.

[1:01:25] And that's a tough thing for everyone to do,

[1:01:28] and it wasn't an easy thing for me to do,

[1:01:29] and so I don't want to be like,

[1:01:32] this is all you have to do, just this thing.

[1:01:34] But the other thing is for people here,

[1:01:38] if there's someone who you know is having a hard time,

[1:01:42] then reach out to them.

[1:01:45] I don't want to make this further sadder,

[1:01:49] but there's one person that I won't get into in particular

[1:01:51] who there's a time in their life

[1:01:53] when I wish I had acted on my urge

[1:01:57] to reach out to them and didn't,

[1:01:59] and it's something that I've regretted

[1:02:03] for a long time since then.

[1:02:04] So it goes both ways.

[1:02:06] It's a two race street.

[1:02:07] I've had a difficult time this year,

[1:02:14] and when I've felt darkest,

[1:02:17] it's been good to reach out to other people,

[1:02:20] and I just urge other people to do the same.

[1:02:24] And Archie does too, apparently.

[1:02:27] You can hear Archie in the background,

[1:02:28] but he had to chime in too.

[1:02:31] Archie the scene stealer.

[1:02:32] But let's put that aside

[1:02:38] and move back to the regular nonsense, I think,

[1:02:43] with this next letter from Steven James Arnott Esquire

[1:02:47] who writes, letter withheld.

[1:02:50] So, ah, see what you did there.

[1:02:54] Ah, classic bit, fire him.

[1:02:56] Make a fool of us, huh, Steven?

[1:03:01] I was all prepared to make jokes and interrupt people.

[1:03:04] I thought Dan was gonna stumble and bumble over the words

[1:03:07] and I could make fun of him, but no, there were none.

[1:03:10] Well, there will be a lot of words

[1:03:12] to stumble over in this next letter.

[1:03:14] What about bumble over?

[1:03:15] Which comes.

[1:03:16] And you'll feel very humble over it.

[1:03:18] From Martin, last name withheld.

[1:03:20] Oh, the TV show, Martin.

[1:03:23] His last name's Lawrence.

[1:03:24] Who writes, his wife, Tisha Campbell.

[1:03:28] He's a bad boy, a bad boy too, if you will.

[1:03:31] He writes, as well.

[1:03:33] Nothing but trouble.

[1:03:34] From the pages.

[1:03:35] No wait, nothing to lose.

[1:03:36] Nothing but trouble's a different movie.

[1:03:38] From the pages of a failed novel

[1:03:39] about the Flophouse Whaler Company

[1:03:41] operating out of Nantucket during a few unsuccessful months

[1:03:44] in the summer of 1839, or as it was known at the time,

[1:03:48] Whale View, USA, you'll have a whale of a time.

[1:03:53] Aboard the ship, The Wives' Buttocks,

[1:03:55] first mate, Elliot Whicalian,

[1:03:59] was standing amid ships, scanning the horizon.

[1:04:03] We've not seen a whale since Six Bells,

[1:04:05] and the crew is growing weary.

[1:04:06] His squeaky know-it-all voice carried far over the waves.

[1:04:09] That's very important information.

[1:04:11] I mean, that's something you would wanna know.

[1:04:13] And he was right.

[1:04:15] Even though the Six Bells was just like a few hours ago,

[1:04:18] the crew was indeed growing weary,

[1:04:19] but more so with the gravity of their mission

[1:04:21] than the lack of large sea-dwelling mammals.

[1:04:24] For they were not just in search of whale oil

[1:04:26] to power lamps in San Francisco's Red Light District.

[1:04:29] They were out in search of the whale

[1:04:30] that hurt the knee of their unexciting captain.

[1:04:33] It was not broken off or anything,

[1:04:34] but it was still a jarring memory for the poor man.

[1:04:36] And who asked him if he was getting better?

[1:04:38] Nobody.

[1:04:39] Captain Dan Daniels McCoy was distraught,

[1:04:42] and it had now taken the form of a minor, sad annoyance.

[1:04:46] Ugh, he said.

[1:04:47] At this point, I don't really care.

[1:04:49] I already lost my knee to one of these animals.

[1:04:51] Why are we even going on?

[1:04:53] You didn't really lose it, right, said Elliot?

[1:04:55] I mean, it's right there,

[1:04:56] as he pointed to the functioning,

[1:04:57] albeit once-damaged knee.

[1:04:59] Shut up, nerds.

[1:05:00] A whale has been attracted by Elliot's high-pitched voice,

[1:05:03] came a voice from the crow's nest.

[1:05:05] It was Stuart Wellington, known as Stuart There-She-Blows.

[1:05:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:05:10] There he yelled down, giggling at the end of,

[1:05:13] wait, no, it was, hold on.

[1:05:16] Are you okay?

[1:05:16] It was Stuart Wellington, known as Stuart.

[1:05:19] Oh, okay.

[1:05:22] And then you saw a period,

[1:05:23] meaning end of sentence, take a breath.

[1:05:25] Well.

[1:05:25] But you thought it was, what, like a bug or something?

[1:05:27] No, it was like a positive.

[1:05:28] Stuart There-She-Blows, well, exactly.

[1:05:30] No, no, I thought, yeah,

[1:05:31] but usually there's punctuation

[1:05:32] that helps you to avoid problems like that.

[1:05:34] Okay.

[1:05:35] He yelled down.

[1:05:35] Oh, I see a crumb from an Oreo.

[1:05:37] Oh, no, wait, it's a period.

[1:05:38] Yeah.

[1:05:39] There she blows, he yelled down, giggling.

[1:05:41] Shouldn't be eating Oreos all over my story.

[1:05:43] I mean, I didn't, I don't know why there'd be just a.

[1:05:46] Well, I haven't eaten an Oreo in 20 days.

[1:05:48] There's a perfectly circular black dot here,

[1:05:52] but I assume it's a mistake

[1:05:53] and I'll continue on with the thought.

[1:05:55] There she blows, he yelled down, giggling at the innuendo.

[1:05:58] Dan would have lit up

[1:05:59] had he been able to feel anything at that point.

[1:06:01] Huh, he said with a shrug.

[1:06:03] Well, I guess we've come this far.

[1:06:05] Launch the boats, guys.

[1:06:07] The long boats were hoisted down into the water

[1:06:09] and a ragtag crew of interesting

[1:06:12] but blurry characters set out.

[1:06:14] The majestic giant didn't have any of it though

[1:06:16] and slammed on, threshed at the boats encroaching upon it,

[1:06:19] sensing its own mortality.

[1:06:21] "'Fuck off,' said Stuart after taking a sip of his beer

[1:06:24] in his relaxed position at the stern of the fastest boat,

[1:06:27] his oarsmen being the fiercest.

[1:06:29] When they saw it was a sperm whale,

[1:06:31] they had another fifth of giggles

[1:06:32] and someone yelled, blow me for no reason.

[1:06:37] The whale started to sing,

[1:06:38] making most of the rowers in the boats

[1:06:41] think they were in a yoga studio or something

[1:06:43] and they started to relax.

[1:06:45] "'Fuck off,' said Stuart again

[1:06:46] and took one of their oars and rowing at double speed

[1:06:49] without even spilling a single drop of his brewski.

[1:06:53] Dan tried to throw his harpoon but missed doing.'

[1:06:58] Take your time.

[1:07:00] I know you're excited by the action.

[1:07:02] Those aren't Oreo crumbs.

[1:07:05] That's telling you, hey, give your tongue a break.

[1:07:08] Every time, think about it this way.

[1:07:10] Every time you see like a little dot of ink

[1:07:12] after a bunch of words,

[1:07:13] that is the writer telling you,

[1:07:16] time for your tongue's cigarette break.

[1:07:18] Take a couple seconds.

[1:07:20] Dan tried to throw his harpoon but missed

[1:07:24] due to being too boring

[1:07:27] and his completely healed knee injury still hurting him.

[1:07:31] Elliot tried but his constitution was not enough

[1:07:34] to pierce the layers of fat

[1:07:35] which guard the skin of any sea mammal.

[1:07:37] "'That whale, or indeed this entire ocean,

[1:07:40] must be made up of some kind of non-Euclidean geometry,'

[1:07:43] said Elliot.

[1:07:44] Finally, Stuart lugged his flask of whaler's grog

[1:07:47] into the whale's blowhole,

[1:07:49] effectively blocking it

[1:07:50] and inebriating the whale at the same time.

[1:07:52] "'We did it,' he shouted happily.

[1:07:54] "'Row, row,' called the call of their sea cat,

[1:07:57] a type of cat-like fish.

[1:07:58] It was known as the plop-house catfish.'"

[1:08:01] I love that there is a thing called a catfish

[1:08:04] when he's introduced to sea cat.

[1:08:06] "'At that point, their pointless caption

[1:08:08] was too distracted to care about anything anymore though

[1:08:10] and took a nap instead of revenge.

[1:08:13] The rest of their crew was too busy getting drunk

[1:08:15] and saying words that sounded like other words.

[1:08:17] The drunk whalefish drifted off into the sunset

[1:08:20] and the drunker whalers drifted back

[1:08:22] into the legends they came from.

[1:08:24] And that's how the first whale got drunk

[1:08:26] and the last were had by all.

[1:08:28] And now you know the rest of the story,'

[1:08:31] says Martin, last name withheld."

[1:08:33] Now, I don't understand why Rudyard Kipling cut that

[1:08:36] from the Just So stories.

[1:08:37] It seems like it fits perfectly.

[1:08:40] Lovely adventure we had.

[1:08:41] That was, everyone took their licks on that one.

[1:08:46] You know what?

[1:08:46] None of us came out unscathed.

[1:08:48] But I think the one who was the most scathed was Dan.

[1:08:50] So Dan.

[1:08:51] Yeah, did you not, did you not pre-read that?

[1:08:52] Well, because I was both reading the story

[1:08:54] and I took scathing from you guys.

[1:08:55] Yeah, that's cute.

[1:08:56] Yeah, did you not screen that letter?

[1:08:58] That's right.

[1:08:59] Okay.

[1:09:00] I just, yeah.

[1:09:01] You're like, this is a long one.

[1:09:02] This'll eat up a bunch of minutes.

[1:09:03] That guy wanted to make a wish contest

[1:09:06] and the wish was to write a letter into the plop-house.

[1:09:09] I mean, just to write a letter is a wish

[1:09:10] that he doesn't need an organization to help him with.

[1:09:12] He's not that bright.

[1:09:14] Wow.

[1:09:15] Well, thanks everybody for writing in.

[1:09:19] Thanks for the gifts.

[1:09:21] Thanks for the gifts.

[1:09:24] This is, that was a rollercoaster ride

[1:09:26] of a gift and letter segment.

[1:09:28] Yeah.

[1:09:29] No promotions, yeah.

[1:09:30] Yeah.

[1:09:30] But now, what's the next part, Dan?

[1:09:32] It's time for our final segment.

[1:09:33] When does this purgatory end, Dan?

[1:09:35] Yep, of the episode.

[1:09:37] And that is where we recommend movies

[1:09:39] that we actually liked.

[1:09:41] Will I dream when this is over, Elliot?

[1:09:42] Uh, only of Jeff Bridges.

[1:09:45] Oh, lovely.

[1:09:46] But he's gonna be kissing you.

[1:09:48] Oh, okay.

[1:09:48] So I don't wanna burn those bridges.

[1:09:50] No, don't burn them.

[1:09:51] Beau Bridges.

[1:09:53] Beau Bridges is there too, but he just likes to watch.

[1:09:56] His own movies, starting with The Landlord.

[1:10:00] So what do we do now, Dan?

[1:10:01] I told you already, we recommend movies that we like.

[1:10:04] That I like 7th Son.

[1:10:05] Recommend movies that we like.

[1:10:08] So after you've already watched 7th Son

[1:10:10] and you wanna watch something else,

[1:10:11] I'm gonna recommend you fire up your movie player

[1:10:14] and you check out a hot new little action joint.

[1:10:17] Hello, Pete.

[1:10:20] Titled Close Range.

[1:10:23] Now Close Range is a micro-budget little action movie

[1:10:27] directed by Isaac Florentine,

[1:10:29] starring one Scott Adkins.

[1:10:33] Not Scott Adsit, like Elliot was about to say.

[1:10:36] You got me.

[1:10:37] No, I'm talking about the star of Ninja 2,

[1:10:40] Shadow of a Tear.

[1:10:41] We work together so much,

[1:10:43] it's like we finish each other's...

[1:10:46] Hamburgers.

[1:10:47] Did you finish my hamburger?

[1:10:49] I did, why do you leave it out?

[1:10:50] You told me a gremlins took it.

[1:10:53] A gremlins?

[1:10:55] You told me a gremlins, the film, took it.

[1:10:58] Yep, a gypsy cursed a gremlins DVD box

[1:11:03] to spring to life and steal hamburgers.

[1:11:06] They prefer not to be called gypsies.

[1:11:07] Okay, I'm sorry.

[1:11:08] That movie, Steal Hamburgers, so sad.

[1:11:11] You know, we're all steal hamburgers.

[1:11:13] Everybody wants a hamburger scene from, I don't know.

[1:11:17] Is that what a robot would eat, a steal hamburger?

[1:11:20] Yeah, that's right.

[1:11:23] So, Close Range stars Scott Adkins.

[1:11:26] Scott adds it.

[1:11:27] Scott adds it.

[1:11:28] And it is basically a Western

[1:11:31] that has been adapted to the modern day

[1:11:33] with a drug cartel that has kidnapped a girl.

[1:11:38] That girl gets saved by a drifter

[1:11:42] who turns out to be that girl's uncle.

[1:11:45] And then they come after her and the uncle

[1:11:48] because he has a flash drive on the keys

[1:11:50] that he used to release her from her bonds.

[1:11:53] Now, Scott Adkins, basically this is a super cheapo,

[1:11:58] low budget movie, but all the money is on the action scenes.

[1:12:03] The action choreography is super great.

[1:12:06] They go way out of their way

[1:12:07] to introduce these cartel bad guys,

[1:12:10] including giving about a dozen guys a title card.

[1:12:15] So you're like, oh wow, that guy's named Lobo.

[1:12:17] That guy's named Javier, like all these cool dudes.

[1:12:20] And in my head, I'm like,

[1:12:21] I don't know why they're taking all this time.

[1:12:23] Scott Adkins is just gonna destroy them all.

[1:12:26] And he totally does.

[1:12:27] He annihilates all of them.

[1:12:29] The two best scenes I'm briefly going to touch on.

[1:12:33] One is the moment when Scott Adkins, drifter,

[1:12:37] gets cornered by a corrupt cop.

[1:12:39] And then they in turn both get cornered

[1:12:41] by some cartel guys.

[1:12:44] And the cops are like, are those some friends of yours?

[1:12:48] And Scott Adkins with no comedic timing says,

[1:12:50] I ain't got no fucking friends.

[1:12:53] Which is great.

[1:12:54] And then at the end of the movie,

[1:12:55] he does, while fighting a guy,

[1:12:57] kill a guy by stabbing him in the taint.

[1:13:01] So go watch it, close range.

[1:13:03] I mean, you gotta watch it before it wins all the Oscars.

[1:13:06] Exactly.

[1:13:08] I want to recommend a movie called Diary of a Teenage Girl,

[1:13:12] which was based on.

[1:13:14] It's a Tyler Perry movie, right?

[1:13:16] That's right.

[1:13:18] It was based on some cartoons by,

[1:13:19] some semi-autobiographical cartoons by Phoebe Gleckner.

[1:13:23] And it's a little,

[1:13:28] it's a little difficult.

[1:13:29] A little bit country?

[1:13:30] It's a little, it's a little rough.

[1:13:32] I mean, it's about a relationship, largely.

[1:13:36] My dog saw it and I asked him how it was,

[1:13:38] and he said, rough.

[1:13:39] I mean.

[1:13:42] That joke courtesy of first grade.

[1:13:44] In large part.

[1:13:45] It's weird because Rolf can talk quite a bit.

[1:13:48] Rolf said, it was rough, it was very rough.

[1:13:50] It was difficult to sit through at times, but worth it.

[1:13:52] I mean.

[1:13:53] Then he played the piano.

[1:13:54] A big part of the movie is about the relationship

[1:13:57] between this underage girl and her mother's boyfriend.

[1:14:03] And it's a tough movie because it, you know,

[1:14:09] it does not shy away from the fact that this man

[1:14:11] is a predator in a lot of ways, who's.

[1:14:15] Like an alien who hunts down her slaves.

[1:14:18] This is not the point of the podcast.

[1:14:21] Their species name is pronounced Yautja.

[1:14:24] That he is.

[1:14:26] That he is preying on her.

[1:14:28] This is an inappropriate relationship

[1:14:29] and it's wrong for him to do that.

[1:14:31] But it also does not shy away from the degree to which

[1:14:36] she, as someone who is desperate for affection,

[1:14:41] perhaps wrongly, like welcomes this attention

[1:14:45] from a predator.

[1:14:48] But it's an interesting movie about this young girl's

[1:14:53] like budding sexuality and like the places it leads her.

[1:14:57] And it is ultimately sort of inspiring,

[1:15:01] like what she learns from everything that happens

[1:15:04] and the fact that she's able to translate it

[1:15:08] through her artwork.

[1:15:10] And it's got great performances from all of the

[1:15:15] primary cast members and it's just,

[1:15:18] I got a lot of screeners, you know,

[1:15:22] from the Writer's Guild and this was, I think,

[1:15:27] the one that I liked the most of all of the

[1:15:32] quote unquote awards movies.

[1:15:34] More than Furious 7.

[1:15:36] Yes.

[1:15:36] Which we also were sent a screener for.

[1:15:38] Yeah, that and Jurassic World,

[1:15:40] the most baffling screener.

[1:15:41] I gotta say, I'm really glad that you managed to slip

[1:15:43] a little bit of humblebrag in there, Dan.

[1:15:45] No, it was not a humblebrag, it was just.

[1:15:48] You know, as someone who helps decide

[1:15:49] the very prestigious Writer's Guild.

[1:15:50] Honestly, like the reason I slipped that in was like,

[1:15:53] I got a lot of movies that I thought I was gonna like

[1:15:57] a lot more than I did.

[1:15:59] And this year I wasn't.

[1:16:01] Like Furious 7.

[1:16:02] I was not impressed by a lot of the movies

[1:16:04] that were supposed to impress me.

[1:16:05] Yeah, it was a disappointing year.

[1:16:06] But Diary of a Teenage Girl, I liked a lot.

[1:16:10] So that's my recommendation.

[1:16:13] So Dan says read a Teenage Girl's Diary.

[1:16:16] Just break into a room and I'm gonna recommend a movie

[1:16:21] that I still haven't seen, that movie Selma,

[1:16:24] that people liked.

[1:16:25] But I watched a different movie.

[1:16:26] I mean, a lot of people liked it.

[1:16:27] But I watched A Fish Called Selma, the Simpsons episode.

[1:16:31] But I watched.

[1:16:32] It was pretty funny.

[1:16:33] A different movie by the same.

[1:16:34] I mean, it's a great Phil Hartman episode.

[1:16:36] By the same director, Ava DuVernay.

[1:16:39] Her earlier film Middle of Nowhere,

[1:16:41] which is about a woman who is a med student,

[1:16:45] but her education and kind of her life

[1:16:47] have fallen apart because her husband is in jail.

[1:16:51] And this has kind of taken over her life,

[1:16:54] the process of trying to see him in jail,

[1:16:57] trying to get him out of jail,

[1:16:58] and the fact that he is not particularly

[1:17:01] cooperative in these things,

[1:17:03] and that his being there brings the worst out of him.

[1:17:07] And she begins a possible relationship

[1:17:10] with a bus driver played by David Oyelowo.

[1:17:13] And he's really good in it.

[1:17:16] And it was just like,

[1:17:18] but at the same time she's dealing with

[1:17:20] issues with her mother,

[1:17:22] and there's a feeling of people

[1:17:25] trying not to make the mistakes they've seen others make,

[1:17:28] or have made themselves,

[1:17:29] or seeing others make in front of them,

[1:17:32] but being unable to figure out

[1:17:34] how to avoid making those mistakes.

[1:17:36] And I just found it to be a really good, touching movie.

[1:17:40] It's called Middle of Nowhere.

[1:17:42] Three very similar recommendations.

[1:17:46] I mean, in all of them,

[1:17:47] somebody is killed by being stabbed in the taint.

[1:17:49] Yeah, the great thing,

[1:17:50] I don't know why I liked it so much.

[1:17:53] I know why you liked it so much.

[1:17:56] Okay, now that I've composed myself.

[1:17:59] So after the guy gets stabbed in the taint,

[1:18:02] and his lifeless body falls to the ground,

[1:18:05] at some point to be interred in the ground.

[1:18:08] As dust to dust, we are but ashes.

[1:18:11] Yeah, but when he falls down to the ground,

[1:18:13] you can actually see that his jeans,

[1:18:15] like they made the trouble

[1:18:17] of tearing his jeans open in the crotch.

[1:18:19] And I'm like, that's some good costuming work.

[1:18:22] A lesser movie would just put a red stain on his jeans,

[1:18:25] but they're like, nope, we wanna rip the jeans.

[1:18:28] You know what, I know this is a low budget film,

[1:18:30] but we can afford the $10 for another pair of pants.

[1:18:35] Those are Costco jeans, Elliot.

[1:18:37] They're like $15.

[1:18:38] Oh, sorry, yeah.

[1:18:40] $15, no craft services today, everybody.

[1:18:42] Give me back your bagels.

[1:18:44] I said $15.

[1:18:46] Yeah.

[1:18:47] Oh, I thought you said $50.

[1:18:49] No, no, $15.

[1:18:50] I'm like, those aren't Levi's jeans, Elliot.

[1:18:51] Those aren't bootcut Levi's jeans, 504s.

[1:18:54] These are not diesel jeans.

[1:18:56] Whoa, they still make diesel jeans?

[1:18:58] They still advertise them.

[1:18:59] Okay.

[1:19:00] In diesel jeans.

[1:19:02] Sure, if you're gonna be witch hunting,

[1:19:04] street racing.

[1:19:06] Pitch darken.

[1:19:07] Triple X-ing.

[1:19:09] Being sad about Paul Walker and street.

[1:19:12] All right, why would you go there?

[1:19:13] Street shark, everybody is, I don't know.

[1:19:16] Well, we're talking about his many roles,

[1:19:19] and you gotta bring in something real.

[1:19:19] Street shark-ing.

[1:19:21] Street shark-ing, like in that video.

[1:19:22] Yep.

[1:19:23] Shark street-ing.

[1:19:24] Mm-hmm, dragon dungeon-ing.

[1:19:28] Witch hunting.

[1:19:29] That was the first thing he said.

[1:19:30] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1:19:31] That was the first one.

[1:19:32] Well, I think it brings us all the way back around.

[1:19:33] It's like in herb burrows.

[1:19:34] Look, I wasn't paying attention because it was nonsense.

[1:19:37] Yeah, good point, that's a very good point.

[1:19:40] Basically, the podcast.

[1:19:41] I just wanted to say,

[1:19:45] this has been a rare episode of the podcast.

[1:19:48] An emotional rollercoaster of an episode.

[1:19:50] An episode where we all liked the movie for once.

[1:19:53] Which meant we didn't have much to say about it,

[1:19:55] which is super sad.

[1:19:56] So we dedicated our time to unwrapping gifts.

[1:19:58] Yeah.

[1:19:59] I hope you enjoyed.

[1:20:00] receiving box here on the box house you can only yeah just picture in your head

[1:20:06] Elliot tearing into that paper with childlike glee well a cat continues to

[1:20:12] try to jump on me and I bat it away with my fists and you well your only defense

[1:20:17] is throwing that paper on the ground so the cat can make a weird nest out of it

[1:20:22] which did yeah and that was adorable raised its babies yeah so what do we do

[1:20:28] now in the body now so now we tell what do we answer letters no we did that

[1:20:34] before we sign off real quick I just like to promote a little thing called

[1:20:38] love crazy little thing I'm addicted to it you can't buy me that you might as

[1:20:45] well face it do not buy it there's a few there's a book of it but nobody knows

[1:20:52] who wrote it mm-hmm you can eat you can pray and you can do this thing

[1:21:07] motions one through eight do not drink them they will turn you into a total

[1:21:11] hide what do you want to promote oh I just want to promote in addition to

[1:21:15] doing this lovely podcast I also do another lovely podcast so I've been

[1:21:23] doing a little podcast called till death do us party I'm not going to explain how

[1:21:28] to spell that no it's spelled in the stupidest way I like stared at the

[1:21:35] fucking I understood the pun behind it yeah it's a deaf leopard podcast so tell

[1:21:42] death do us hard be so it's spelled T I L L space D F space D o space u.s. not

[1:21:56] the not the United States but just the u.s. just the word us space P P a R D Y

[1:22:02] yeah I'll definitely tell us the way you could possibly spell it if you if you

[1:22:07] Google if you put into iTunes podcast search T I L L space D F it's the first

[1:22:12] thing so it's a it's an educational podcast about the band Def Leppard yes

[1:22:24] for the kids Alexander Smith and I go I've been going through the Def Leppard

[1:22:31] discography and have been exploring all of the kind of strange themes that are

[1:22:36] present in all the in all the music of Def Leppard check it out all right that

[1:22:42] ends the housework section of this podcast and I'd like to promote Oh

[1:22:46] housework back on just you know love yeah big loving somebody oh sure just

[1:22:53] feel love express love within reason and within boundaries love responsibly okay

[1:23:00] all right well thank you for that now we can do our favorite part of the podcast

[1:23:05] letters summary of movie now tonight we watch seven son this is the story of

[1:23:12] seven for the flyer this time yes I have been Dan McCoy I've been Stuart

[1:23:18] Wellington at this point I even know if I'm really Caitlin anymore

[1:23:21] goodnight everyone podcast-o-matic just pop the podcast in the podcast-o-matic

[1:23:32] sitting on new chairs tonight oh yeah pretty good I like jumps I feel like I

[1:23:38] have to slouch more like champs holding chairs like assholes don't fold yeah

[1:23:46] Lin Manuel Miranda I don't I don't know if I like this escalating battle of

[1:23:53] control of Lin Manuel Miranda very little that's the way it works

[1:24:02] Dan says that's the way it works

[1:24:09] that's the way it works how does it work glad that you asked as Dan said I'll

[1:24:17] refer you to his comments that's how it works

[1:24:25] and then we read that's how it works

[1:24:31] and then we read that's how it works

[1:24:36] that's how it works

[1:24:45] letters is taped before a live studio audience of one cat so speaking of

[1:24:50] birthdays

[1:24:54] you're born and that's the day that you celebrate that's how it works

[1:25:00] anything you need to know about how something works ask me and I'll sing it

[1:25:06] to you unless it's really complicated made out of words that don't rhyme so

[1:25:11] well in which case don't know if I can help you so well but I'll try till I die

[1:25:16] that's how it works so it's from another breakdown part where you were spoken

[1:25:23] that's how it works you're going to work it now tell you how it works in the last

[1:25:28] letter that's how it works you're going to work it now tell you how it works in

[1:25:32] the last letter maximum fun org comedy and culture artist owned listener

[1:25:40] supported podcasts podcasts podcasts there are audio programs that tell smart

[1:25:48] stories in innovative ways using editing techniques like this like this like this

[1:25:53] but let's face it all that smart stuff can be exhausting that's where stop

[1:25:59] podcasting yourself comes in it's so stupid it's just two stupid dinguses

[1:26:04] being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes stop podcasting yourself the stupid show

[1:26:10] that smart people love find it on iTunes or maximumfun.org

Ep. #197 - Seventh Son

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