Ep. #197 - Seventh Son

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Seventh Son.

[0:03] Dan, I didn't see Sons 1 through 6.

[0:05] Will I understand what happens in the movie?

[0:07] You will not.

[0:09] Son 5's the best.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:39] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:42] Trademark sound effect.

[0:43] I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:45] We're all here together.

[0:47] It's been a little while.

[0:48] It's been like two weeks.

[0:50] I don't know.

[0:51] Same amount of time between the and I.

[0:52] You know why it feels like it's been a long time?

[0:54] Because you're drunk.

[0:56] Well, possibly.

[0:57] But we did those two live shows, and then we did an episode right afterwards.

[1:01] And I got used to having you pals around me all the time.

[1:04] Oh, yeah.

[1:04] That's nice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] Yeah, you know, even though I'm kind of under the weather.

[1:09] I have two, man.

[1:09] Yeah, we got...

[1:10] Hey, up top.

[1:12] No, no.

[1:12] Under.

[1:12] Down below.

[1:14] But when you guys called me up today to say, hey, do I want to come back and podcast?

[1:19] I'm like, fuck it, man.

[1:20] Let's do this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] Well, what happens is we put up...

Stuart Wellington

[1:23] I'm trying to build this kind of story around it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25] We put up the stew signal, which is a big silhouette of a can of beer with Angus Scrimm, you know,

[1:31] pouring it.

[1:32] It's a pretty elaborate silhouette.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] Oh, and he's also...

[1:36] I'm amazed at...

[1:36] And also he's ripping his own ding dong off.

[1:38] It's all silhouette.

[1:39] When we project that onto clouds, I'm amazed that it still reads.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] It had to be a very cloudy night.

[1:45] Yeah.

[1:46] Then we set out the beer and open it and the smell carries stew over.

Dan McCoy

[1:52] Yeah.

[1:52] I set out the beer and we put a box with a stick propping that box up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58] And I floated along the smell waves like Monterey Jack.

[2:01] That's right.

[2:03] And the cheese character.

[2:05] He's named after the object of his desires.

[2:07] The cheese character.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] He's a mouse.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11] From Disney's Rescue Rangers.

[2:12] No, but it's crazy that he's called Monterey Jack since he just wants to eat cheese all

[2:16] the time.

[2:17] Like, they don't call you Chicken Kalen.

Elliott Kalan

[2:20] Maybe they should.

[2:21] Okay.

[2:22] No, every time someone calls me Chicken, I have to fight them in a drag race.

[2:25] Yeah.

[2:25] Just like my grandfather and my great-grandfather.

[2:28] Eventually you'll learn.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] But only after some adventures of the past.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] Yeah.

[2:32] And the future.

[2:34] Anyway, Biff stole a sports almanac.

[2:37] Do I care about that?

[2:38] Because I don't really care about sports.

[2:41] It was a Oscars predictions.

Dan McCoy

[2:44] We've got to go back and stop him.

[2:47] So, for this show, we watched...

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] Wait, so what do we do on this show normally for the newbies?

Dan McCoy

[2:52] For the newbos, we watch a bad movie.

[2:56] Sounds like a racial slur, but it's not.

[2:59] That's our M.O., Bodus Operandi.

[3:04] That's our monster opera.

[3:07] So, for this episode...

[3:08] That's our Mamie Ozenhauer.

[3:11] Our Mr. Octopus.

[3:14] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] Our Malted Ocelot.

[3:19] Mo Money starring Damon Wayans.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] No.

[3:23] Stacey Dash.

[3:24] No.

[3:28] So, we watched a movie tonight called...

[3:32] Stretch it out.

[3:33] We've got to fill the time.

[3:36] Seventh Son.

[3:37] Seventh Son.

[3:37] It starred Jeff Bridges and some guy.

[3:41] Some guy.

[3:42] And a...

[3:42] Generic guy.

[3:43] And a guy.

[3:46] Andrew Guy.

Stuart Wellington

[3:47] Julianne Moore.

[3:48] Plays a morphing, bedreadlocked dragon lady.

[3:51] Dragon Queen, witch.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] And Kit Harington.

[3:54] Is in it.

[3:55] And ex-macamah herself.

[3:56] It's killed very early.

[3:56] Robo Girl.

Dan McCoy

[3:57] Yeah, Robo Girl's in it, too.

[3:58] What's her name?

[3:59] Alicia Vikander.

[4:01] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] And Olivia Williams is in it.

[4:03] Yeah, that's right.

[4:04] And in the role of guy who's in science fiction and fantasy movies, Jimon Honsu.

[4:08] Yeah.

[4:09] Yeah.

[4:10] Now, here's something I'm going to say about this movie before we get into the plot.

[4:14] When I saw that star Jeff Bridges and some dude, I assumed Jeff Bridges would be in like

[4:19] the first 15 minutes.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:21] Die.

[4:21] Like a cash grab.

Dan McCoy

[4:22] Yeah.

[4:22] Like an outcast.

[4:24] He's going to be a whole Nicolas Cage outcast situation.

[4:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:26] Like he'd be in the beginning and then get kidnapped or something.

[4:28] And then show up maybe 10, 15 minutes before the ending.

[4:32] No.

[4:32] You get Jeff Bridges all through this film.

Dan McCoy

[4:34] Yeah.

[4:34] This is...

[4:35] Yeah.

[4:35] If anything, it's Jeff Bridges' vehicle.

[4:37] Yeah.

[4:37] Jeff Bridges is the star.

[4:38] Except for like the love scenes.

[4:39] And those should have been for Jeff Bridges.

Stuart Wellington

[4:41] I agree with you.

[4:42] But yeah.

[4:43] Except for those, you got him like mugging about the whole movie, man.

[4:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] With his...

[4:48] Mugging about.

[4:49] With his Volstagg, the fluminous beard, and his just general thick, weird accent that

[4:54] he can't quite understand.

Dan McCoy

[4:55] This is a post...

[4:56] Apocalyptic.

[4:58] Post...

[4:58] True grit Jeff Bridges where he seems to think that acting means just a real incomprehensible

[5:05] voice.

Stuart Wellington

[5:05] Do you think it's him or do you think that's the directors now are like, no, do that true

[5:10] grit thing.

[5:11] Yeah.

[5:11] Maybe.

[5:11] I mean, he sounds...

[5:12] He's like, I was planning on talking like this the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[5:14] I was going to enunciate all my lines ultra clearly.

[5:20] The witches are a powerful force.

[5:23] A proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot.

[5:28] I am a drunken witch finder.

[5:32] Let us go burn the witches.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] You're getting into Queen Amidala territory.

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] I will not watch my people suffer.

[5:40] You're getting into like Liam Neeson character.

[5:42] This is how democracy dies.

[5:45] Liam Neeson?

[5:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Sounds like a sign that is just repeating.

[5:50] That was a bit on Jordan Jesse Goh where Jordan was always talking about how when Liam Neeson

[5:54] played an American, he would overenunciate.

[5:57] Oh, well that's...

[5:57] I have a very particular set of skills.

Elliott Kalan

[6:00] When you see, when you watch old Monty Python episodes, whenever they do an American voice,

[6:04] they do that too.

[6:04] Like to an Englishman or whatever, is Liam Neeson's what?

[6:07] Irish, I guess?

[6:08] Mm-hmm.

[6:09] To people from the UK, Americans are people who overenunciate the R's at the end of words.

[6:15] So in Monty Python, they'd be like, well, over here, I'm going to show you the thing because

[6:23] I'm from America.

[6:24] That's like, is that what we sound like?

[6:27] Oh, horrible.

[6:27] It's weird that they put an R in a word that doesn't even have it.

[6:30] I mean, some people do.

[6:31] That's the...

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:33] Pennsylvaniaans.

[6:33] Looks more like snow than snow.

[6:35] You know, tell me, what do you think about my idea?

[6:38] Maybe it stinks.

[6:39] You know, these are real lines from Monty Python and the Sketches.

[6:41] So Seventh Son.

[6:43] Okay.

[6:44] Smash cut.

[6:44] Smash cut to the movie we watched.

[6:47] It's set in a...

[6:48] Legendary logo.

[6:50] It is...

[6:51] Moving on.

[6:54] Now, this is the pre-purchasing of Legendary Pictures by a Chinese media conglomerate.

[6:58] Okay.

[6:58] So this is a totally Western civilization film.

Stuart Wellington

[7:02] Yeah.

[7:03] Although, I would say that it had a pretty nice variety of ethnicities represented in this

[7:10] movie.

[7:10] You got dragons.

[7:11] You got non-dragons.

[7:13] I mean, all the non-white people were villains?

[7:16] Not necessarily.

[7:17] What about that...

[7:17] What about Tusk?

[7:19] What about the...

[7:19] The mammoth man?

[7:20] What about...

[7:21] We'll get to Tusk in a second.

[7:22] What about the guy whose boat that they jump on and then gets capsized?

[7:26] You're right.

[7:26] That is a guy who's in for a second.

[7:28] He assumed drowned.

[7:29] I assume he survived and is now thriving with his wife and, I don't know, 17 children.

[7:34] How many kids do people have in this universe?

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] Well, at least seven if you're the seventh son of a seventh son.

Stuart Wellington

[7:39] Yeah, and that's average, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] Now, that was...

[7:41] He's like, did you only have seven children?

[7:44] Because that's very small in this time.

[7:46] So, it's in some kind of made-up bullshit fantasy medieval time.

[7:50] Yeah.

[7:50] That could have used a map.

[7:52] Stuart would have really liked a map.

[7:54] I was okay without a map.

Stuart Wellington

[7:55] At least put it on the back of the DVD box.

[7:58] So I know what I'm getting into.

Dan McCoy

[7:59] With a bunch of little triangles that say that they're mountains, man.

Stuart Wellington

[8:03] Yeah, I need to...

[8:03] If there's a marsh, I gotta know what I'm gonna have to pack before I get into this movie.

Dan McCoy

[8:07] I don't think you know how movies work.

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] I went to see that movie, The Martian.

[8:12] It was very expensive to build my own space suit.

[8:15] And all the marshes.

[8:18] Again.

[8:19] It's about a guy who lives in a marsh.

[8:20] We lost Matt Damon in a marsh.

[8:22] He's in a bog somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[8:24] Stuart, when he goes through...

[8:26] Hanging out with my pal John Carter.

[8:29] He's like, I'm gonna go Martian this weekend.

[8:32] I don't even know if that's a thing.

[8:34] I've never heard anyone say that.

Stuart Wellington

[8:36] Where you go out into a field with a couple of buckets filled with mosquito eggs.

[8:40] Okay.

[8:40] Okay, follow me.

[8:42] Mosquito eggs.

[8:42] What do you do with them?

[8:44] Well, you gotta wear a diaper.

[8:47] That's number one.

[8:48] I have more questions now.

[8:50] And a big floppy hat.

[8:52] Everything else is totally optional.

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] Okay, I don't know what everything else, what.

[8:57] You mean clothes?

[8:58] Or do you mean like a beach ball?

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] Have you been bathing?

[9:01] It means activities.

Dan McCoy

[9:03] Yeah, because if you've been bathing...

[9:04] You don't have to do the salsa dancing.

[9:05] That's enough.

Stuart Wellington

[9:07] That's certainly optional.

[9:08] Look, you can balance...

[9:08] Otherwise, they force you to do it with other couples, and you're like, this is weird.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] This is not what I wanted or signed up for.

[9:14] I'm wearing a floppy hat.

[9:15] I'm not good at this part.

[9:18] So if you've been bathing, you need to cut that out.

[9:20] We're not gonna have to play that game where we move an orange from one of our necks to another person's neck.

[9:24] Are we?

[9:24] I don't want to do that.

Stuart Wellington

[9:25] Or burst a balloon on somebody's lap.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] Yeah.

[9:28] I don't like resort games is what it comes down to.

[9:30] Why not?

[9:31] I'm on vacation.

[9:32] Just let me do what I want to do.

Stuart Wellington

[9:33] And what you want to do is not...

[9:35] Just sit in a chair.

[9:35] Yeah, kind of.

[9:36] Like, inflate a balloon with your lover and awkwardly pop it in front of a crowd of other people that you've never...

[9:41] Exactly.

[9:42] One thing I do is I call her my wife, not my lover.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] That's weird.

[9:45] You're on a fucking cruise for lovers.

[9:47] Come on, man.

[9:48] Just look, when we booked this trip to Temptation Island, I assumed it was named after St. Temptatious because it had been settled by the Portuguese in the 16th century.

[9:58] I didn't realize that it was an island for people to bring their mistresses and lovers.

Stuart Wellington

[10:02] Yeah, because it's like you and your wife and then a whole bunch of models and you're like...

[10:07] Yeah, and Joan Severance.

[10:08] And Joan Severance, of course.

[10:09] And Billy Zane is the narrator, I would imagine.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:12] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] I don't see how he couldn't be.

Dan McCoy

[10:15] Joan Severance, the black scorpion.

[10:17] David Duchovny is reading a letter about it.

[10:19] They got sent to him.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] Do you think Joan Severance was ever fired from someplace?

[10:23] And they were like, yeah, here's your severance package.

Dan McCoy

[10:26] She's like, hilarious.

[10:27] Just give me the fucking money.

[10:29] Who's sending all those letters to David Duchovny, by the way?

[10:32] The people who wrote them.

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] Yeah, but how are they going to do this?

[10:34] Who sends us our letters?

[10:36] Oh, well, he...

[10:37] In newspapers across the country, he just advertises in a little box, have sex?

[10:40] Send me a letter about it.

[10:42] To David Duchovny, care of Red Shoe Factory, you know.

[10:47] Yeah.

[10:48] Care of, guy who reads sex letters next to his dog.

Stuart Wellington

[10:52] I thought he was always like walking the streets in like a coat, like a slicker.

Elliott Kalan

[10:57] Often.

[10:57] I mean, it was different than in...

[10:59] What was that show where it always opened with a woman?

Dan McCoy

[11:02] Taxicab Confessions.

[11:03] No.

[11:03] Self-stalkings.

[11:04] No.

[11:04] It was a...

[11:05] Hot Lime something?

[11:06] No.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] It was one of these Cinemax shows where it always opened with a woman like...

[11:09] Cash cab.

[11:10] Taking a shower or sunbathing nude, and then she'd get a letter and read it, and then that

[11:14] was the story for the episode.

[11:15] And that, I always wondered why.

[11:17] So is she just some kind of like sex collector who like just is nude all the time and collects

[11:21] people's sex stories?

Dan McCoy

[11:22] I like to think of that like sex chain letters where it's like, break the chain of this letter

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] and you will have...

[11:29] Seven years bad luck.

[11:30] A friend of mine's cousin broke this chain and had sex and then had to describe it in

[11:36] a letter.

[11:37] Oh, so it's a punishment.

[11:38] Yeah.

[11:39] Okay.

[11:39] Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me, but I had bad luck.

[11:43] Don't break this chain.

[11:45] Mm-hmm.

[11:46] Here's a letter about it.

[11:48] Dear David Duchovny.

[11:49] So Seventh Son.

[11:50] House of D, what was that all about?

[11:52] Love, Red Shoe Diaries.

[11:53] Was that before or after playing God?

Stuart Wellington

[11:56] It was after, I believe.

[11:57] Because playing God was the moment when I was like, ooh, this David Duchovny guy is

[12:00] not as great as I thought he was.

[12:01] Playing God was his attempt at feature film stardom, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:05] Dear David Duchovny, why are you spelling California with a K?

[12:08] Love me.

[12:09] But then he changes it back.

[12:11] Love me.

[12:13] David Duchovny, why won't you love me?

[12:16] That's a song.

[12:18] That's the song?

[12:19] Yeah, that was a song.

[12:20] That had those lyrics.

[12:21] Okay.

[12:23] Back in the height of David Duchovny mania.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] Remember when that swept the nation?

[12:27] Yeah, Duchovny fever.

[12:28] Catch it.

[12:29] Everyone was coming down with a case of.

Stuart Wellington

[12:31] Who sang it like the Moody Blues or somebody?

[12:34] Yeah, the Moody Blues.

Elliott Kalan

[12:36] David Duchovny.

[12:38] That's why they were so moody.

Dan McCoy

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:40] They were upset that David Duchovny was not.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] Silken and brass.

[12:44] Yep.

[12:45] Sunday nights on the X-Files.

[12:48] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[12:49] Fox Mulder, A Night in White Satin.

[12:52] A Night in a Trenchcoat with a big heavy flashlight.

Dan McCoy

[12:54] We really have not talked about the movie at all.

Elliott Kalan

[12:56] Now, what if there's that opening in the X-Files where they walked in with huge flashlights in their hands?

[13:00] Yeah.

[13:01] What if they misplaced them and they had used flashlights?

[13:04] I think it'd go a little something like this.

[13:06] These don't provide light.

[13:08] I can't see anything.

Stuart Wellington

[13:09] Wait, is this...

[13:10] Are you just pitching like Red Shoe Diaries?

Elliott Kalan

[13:12] This is from my pornographic sketch comedy show.

[13:17] It's called the XXX Files.

[13:19] It's super easy to do.

[13:20] I'm pitching it to...

Dan McCoy

[13:21] It's your pornographic 90s sketch comedy show.

Elliott Kalan

[13:24] We only do porno parodies of 90s stuff.

[13:26] It's for FXXX, the new spinoff of FXX.

Stuart Wellington

[13:30] It's all porn, but it's mostly Simpsons reruns.

[13:33] And wait, what would be your porn parody for Married with Children?

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] It would be called Married Having Sex with the Children.

[13:40] Oh, no, that's terrible sounding.

[13:42] Okay.

[13:42] Well, what about a Frasier parody called Fucker?

Dan McCoy

[13:46] It's called Toss Salad and Toss Salad.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] What would your Millennium parody be?

[13:53] It would be called Milena Butt.

[13:56] Okay, Lone Gunman?

[13:58] Lone Gunman would be called Bone Gunman.

[13:59] Okay, that makes sense.

[14:01] Now, on Millennium, it would be...

[14:04] It would still be Lance Erikson.

[14:06] What about a Harsh Realm?

[14:08] He'd be like, women find me irresistible.

[14:10] It's my gift and my curse.

Dan McCoy

[14:12] Harsh Realm would be called Harsh Sex.

Elliott Kalan

[14:16] Okay.

[14:17] It is not for me.

[14:18] That is too rough for me.

[14:19] I don't like it.

[14:20] But hey, look, I'm just the president of the network.

[14:22] I don't have to like everything.

[14:23] Yeah, you don't have to like everything.

[14:23] We're programming for a wide spectrum of viewers, you know?

[14:26] There's no judgments here.

[14:27] Now, Viper, what would be the porn parody of that?

[14:30] That's the thing.

[14:32] It's like a fancy car you have sex with?

[14:34] That makes sense.

[14:34] Well, we have a lot of time on this podcast,

[14:36] so let's just explore all these different things.

[14:38] What about space above and beyond?

[14:39] Let's just keep you happy.

[14:40] Yep.

[14:41] So, Seventh Son.

[14:42] So, it's a fantasy era.

[14:44] And there's a witch dragon woman played by Julianne Moore named Mother Malkin.

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] Instead of Sequest, it'll be Seabrest.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] You know what?

[14:55] I think keep working on it.

[14:56] There's potentially a D of a Sequest thing.

[14:59] Yeah.

[14:59] Because I can totally see a scene where someone has sex with a dolphin.

[15:02] Yeah.

[15:02] But let's keep working on the title.

Dan McCoy

[15:05] I mean, Seaman's right there.

[15:07] So, if you could work with that.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] Yeah, Seaman Quest would be better.

[15:11] But instead of Sequest DSV, it's Seaman Quest DP, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[15:16] Yeah.

[15:16] I mean, I guess it does keep the quest part as the important part, right?

[15:19] You want to...

[15:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] Well, we're not going to be able to book Questlove to be in it if we don't have Quest in the title.

[15:23] That's true.

[15:25] So, Seventh Son.

[15:26] Seventh Son.

[15:27] I get...

[15:27] Look, here's the thing.

[15:28] I'm just going to come out and say it.

[15:29] I have less to say about this movie than I normally would because I had a lot of fun watching it.

[15:35] Yeah.

[15:35] Oh.

[15:36] So, let's talk about what it was about.

[15:37] Let's...

Dan McCoy

[15:38] I mean, yeah.

[15:39] For once, let's go through the synopsis really fast, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[15:42] There's a witch dragon lady named Mother Malkin, played by Julianne Moore, and a witch hunter named a spook in a term I did not feel comfortable with every time someone said it on screen.

Dan McCoy

[15:52] Yeah, it's very...

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] There's a lot of white faces saying that.

[15:56] And so, there's a witch hunter.

[15:58] Let's just call him a witch hunter.

[15:59] There's a witch hunter who has imprisoned her.

Stuart Wellington

[16:00] He's not the...

[16:01] Well, he's not the last witch hunter.

[16:03] He is the last witch hunter.

[16:04] But that's IP protected.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] He's the penultimate witch hunter.

[16:09] Yeah.

[16:10] He can...

[16:11] He imprisoned her, but the rise of the next blood moon, which happens one every hundred years...

[16:15] Moon blood good.

[16:16] The rise of moon blood good.

[16:17] That is money on the floor.

Stuart Wellington

[16:19] Why didn't they put moon blood good in this movie?

[16:22] They're always talking about blood moons.

[16:24] Now...

[16:24] She's the world's only werewolf actress.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] Moon blood good.

[16:29] Actress.

[16:31] Boy, she's whack.

Dan McCoy

[16:32] I'll keep workshopping that.

[16:33] You know what?

Elliott Kalan

[16:34] You keep working on seabreasts.

[16:35] I got this whiteboard over here.

[16:36] I'm just writing down words.

[16:37] So, this witch hunter has imprisoned her.

[16:39] She escapes.

[16:41] The witch hunter is played by Jeffrey...

[16:42] Jeffrey Daniels.

[16:44] Jeffrey Tamar.

[16:44] By Jeff Bridges.

[16:47] He's played by Jeffrey Bridges.

[16:48] You may remember from The Last Picture Show.

[16:51] Sure.

[16:51] And maybe Fat City.

[16:53] And what has he done since then?

[16:54] Not that much.

[16:55] No, that's right.

[16:56] But he's kind of playing Rooster Cogburn slash big dude Lebowski as a witch hunter.

[17:01] He's always drinking.

[17:02] He's a great fighter, but he's like...

Dan McCoy

[17:04] Everything he says is kind of like this, but it's more British.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] And it's a little more Bain-y.

[17:11] Yep.

[17:12] We'll have to fight a dragon, Batman.

[17:14] Mr. Wayne, the Blood Moon.

[17:17] So, he's hard to understand at times, but he's got so much charisma.

[17:20] Yeah.

[17:21] And he is, aside from his accent being thick, he is putting a lot of energy into this.

[17:25] Like...

[17:25] He seems to have a lot of fun.

[17:27] Yeah.

[17:27] He is not walking through this role.

[17:29] I mean, come on.

Dan McCoy

[17:30] Like, if you were a guy, and you are a guy.

[17:34] Okay.

[17:34] You got me.

[17:35] I'm with you on this one.

[17:36] Okay.

[17:36] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] Okay, there.

[17:38] I got it.

[17:38] Imagine you're a guy.

[17:39] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[17:39] I bought a ticket for this ride.

[17:40] I want to see the rest of it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] I mean, I did a several minute bit where I was talking about porn parodies of 90 shows,

[17:44] so I'm pretty sure I'm a guy.

[17:46] You've lived a full life.

[17:48] Nope.

[17:48] Just a young man.

Dan McCoy

[17:50] But you've never gotten to wield a sword and fight witches.

[17:55] Once you get that chance, you're going to put your whole heart and soul into that.

[17:59] Who knew it?

[17:59] But like, if you're going to be like a dragon fighter, you're going to be like, fuck yeah,

[18:03] I'm just going to put on a crazy voice, and I'm going to put my whole heart into this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] There's a scene in it where Jeff Bridges is with his apprentice, and they've just beaten up a witch.

[18:15] He's really a warlock.

[18:16] A warlock who can turn into a mean demon bear.

[18:19] Copyright Marvel Comics, I guess, the demon bear.

[18:21] And he's like, we have to light him on fire and burn him alive to kill him.

[18:25] And the guy's like, I can't do it.

[18:26] I'm not like you.

[18:28] And Jeff Bridges goes, not yet.

[18:29] And then lights the witch on fire and turns around and goes, but you will be.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] And there's this.

[18:34] He might as well just like cackle at that point.

[18:36] He might as well just be like.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] There's this look in his eyes of just such total happiness.

[18:41] Like, I can't believe I get to say this shit.

[18:44] And I swear there was one part where he complains about, he's talking about witches,

[18:47] and then he's just walking away and goes, fucking witches.

[18:50] Like, he's totally into this part.

[18:52] And Julianne is more interested than I would think she would be.

Stuart Wellington

[18:56] Is that a great scene where she offers Alicia Vikander a blood cake?

[19:00] And it's got a bunch of worms crawling in it?

[19:01] Oh, man, that's hilarious.

[19:02] And then she delivers a monologue about the blood moon and all that stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] Yeah, who knows?

[19:05] That stuff's not so interesting.

[19:07] But so he and his apprentice, Kit Harington, who you may know as Jon Snow from the hit TV

[19:13] show Game of Bones on my channel.

Stuart Wellington

[19:16] What was he in that Pompeii movie we watched?

[19:20] It was called Pompeii.

[19:22] He was Pompeii.

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] It was called Pompeii Iron.

[19:25] It was called Pompeii, and it was about John Wayne's sidekick from the man who shot Liberty

[19:29] Valance, played by Woody Strode, right?

[19:31] That was Woody Strode in that role, wasn't it?

[19:32] Yeah, I think so.

[19:33] Anyway, they track down Mother Malkin, the evil witch dragon.

[19:38] But, uh-oh, she manages to kill Kit Harington, thus depriving...

Dan McCoy

[19:43] Kit Harington, girl detective, is dead.

Elliott Kalan

[19:46] Depriving Jeff Bridges of his apprentice.

[19:48] And so he goes to find a seventh son of a seventh son.

[19:51] Now, I was always under the understanding that in Legends, the seventh son of a seventh son

[19:55] was a wizard.

[19:56] But here the implication is that the seventh of a seventh is kind of super strong and

[20:00] super tough and has some kind of magical destiny.

[20:03] He's just a real cool dude.

[20:04] Just a super cool dude.

[20:06] Just a great guy.

[20:07] A real Destiny's Child.

[20:08] A real...

Dan McCoy

[20:09] A real Lisa Left Eye Lopez.

[20:12] A real TLC.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] I don't care.

[20:16] A real En Vogue.

[20:18] In that you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get

[20:22] it.

[20:22] What are you never gonna get, Dan?

[20:24] Uh...

[20:25] Salt or pepper?

[20:26] The correct answer was my lovin'.

[20:28] Oh, okay.

[20:29] Now, he goes to this farm...

[20:31] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[20:32] I'm never gonna get your lovin'?

Elliott Kalan

[20:33] No, you'll get it.

[20:35] Oh.

[20:35] Yeah.

[20:36] But you gotta work harder for it.

[20:37] Okay.

[20:38] Free your mind and the rest will follow, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[20:40] Man, you know a lot of En Vogue songs.

[20:41] Color Fly.

[20:41] I know two En Vogue songs.

[20:43] Don't be so shallow.

Elliott Kalan

[20:44] I know exactly the same number of En Vogue songs as the number of Blues Traveler songs

[20:48] I know.

[20:48] Oh, okay.

[20:49] Which is that one about Don't Give Me the Runaround and the one about The Hook Brings You Back.

Dan McCoy

[20:54] All right.

[20:54] Oh, yeah.

[20:55] Those are different songs.

[20:56] Did he sing...

[20:57] I know that might be the same song, but that's just because Blues Traveler songs have the

[21:00] same...

Stuart Wellington

[21:00] Did the Blues Traveler sing those songs when he traveled into the movie King King?

[21:03] The Blues Traveler.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] The Blues...

[21:06] Legend tells of the Blues Traveler.

[21:07] Legend tells of a Blues Traveler.

[21:09] Who rides the rails.

[21:11] And you can still hear him saying, I'm blue.

[21:14] Da-boo-dee, da-boo-die.

[21:19] Da-boo-die, da-boo-die.

[21:20] Da-boo-die, da-boo-die.

[21:22] The weird thing about summoning the I'm blue guy is you don't even have to say it.

[21:25] Yep.

[21:26] It just appears.

[21:28] He's like Mr. Mixipidlic that way.

[21:30] Anyway, back to Seventh Son.

[21:32] He goes to a farm where Olivia Williams is the mom, and she has a son who is the seventh

[21:36] son of a seventh son who is busy tending the pigs, but he has dreams.

[21:40] Luke Skywalker on Tatooine-style dreams of something bigger.

[21:44] Dreams are getting some power converters.

[21:45] Jeff Bridges comes by.

Stuart Wellington

[21:46] Now, already they've kind of established a little more color in this movie than most

[21:51] of the grim fantasy adventures we've watched.

[21:54] The grim fandangos we're used to.

[21:55] Yep.

[21:56] Was that on black and white?

[21:58] The salmon axis in color.

[21:59] Hit the roads.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Yep, the full throttle.

[22:03] The maniac's mansion.

[22:07] So, yeah, there was already like, it felt like people were just-

[22:11] Day of the tentacle.

[22:12] There you go.

[22:13] It felt like people were just putting more effort into this than they really needed to

[22:18] because it's a pretty generic fantasy movie, but like the performers are a little bit

[22:23] better.

[22:23] There's just like that much more of a feeling of energy and like design to things.

[22:28] I'd say for the most part the effects are better.

[22:30] It's not all desaturated.

[22:30] Yeah.

[22:31] Or at least they're interesting to look at.

[22:33] Yeah.

[22:33] And there's literally, like you're saying, there's literally color on screen.

[22:36] Like people wear the colors blue and red and yellow in their clothes.

[22:39] It's not just all dark greens and dark browns and like mush.

Dan McCoy

[22:42] The editing is not hyperkinetic.

[22:46] You can see what's happening most of the time.

[22:48] Mm-hmm.

[22:49] Like there's a basic level of filmmaking skill, let's say, on display in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:54] Now, so Jeff Bridges picks up this kid, who's not really a kid.

[22:58] He's like 20 or something.

[22:59] Yeah.

[22:59] And makes him his new apprentice.

[23:02] And they just kind of go around trying to track down Julianne Moore.

[23:07] Meanwhile, she's like rallying her troops.

[23:10] And the kid's mom gave him like a magic amulet to bring.

Stuart Wellington

[23:13] That's going to be important probably.

Elliott Kalan

[23:14] Yeah.

[23:15] Julianne Moore's rallying her troops.

[23:16] And she's got a pretty good armory of crazy henchmen.

[23:18] There's the God of Swords, who's kind of like a.

[23:21] Good best dude.

[23:22] Who's like a Hindu deity type looking guy.

[23:26] Or in that he's got four arms and he's blue.

[23:29] Abu Dibu, da-bu-dai.

[23:30] Da-bu-dee, da-bu-dai.

[23:32] And there's a cheetah woman.

[23:34] There's a snake man.

[23:36] Or he's more of a gecko man, as you made clear.

[23:38] Yeah.

[23:38] And there's Juman Honshu, who either turns into a dragon or his horse turns into a dragon.

[23:42] This is not super clear.

[23:44] It's kind of a mix, yeah.

[23:44] And everybody has bone chains that they can throw out like Scorpion in Mortal Kombat.

[23:51] Or the bad guy at the end of Brotherhood of the Wolf.

[23:53] Yeah.

[23:53] Everybody has these like throwing chains with blades at the end of them.

[23:58] And there's just a bunch of adventures.

[24:00] It's, they're trying to, she's trying to cause trouble before the blood moon while he's trying to get the, they're trying to stop her.

[24:08] And they encounter a couple different types of monsters.

[24:10] They fight a bear guy.

[24:12] They fight a bear man.

[24:13] They fight a big like kind of, a thing that looks a little bit like the Cyclops from Seventh Voyage of Sinbad.

[24:19] He falls, he starts falling in love with a witch.

[24:21] Like a Boggins or something?

[24:22] Yeah.

[24:23] Yeah, Baggins.

[24:24] Like a Boogins.

[24:25] Like a, like a, it was a, it was a Booger.

Dan McCoy

[24:29] Oh.

[24:30] Yep.

[24:30] From Revenge of the Nerds?

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] Uh, sure.

Dan McCoy

[24:33] Okay.

[24:34] Uh, and.

[24:35] That would be great.

[24:36] The Apprentice.

[24:36] Honestly, if they were fighting Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

[24:39] Yeah.

[24:40] That, this would be a five star movie.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] Oh, it would be amazing.

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:44] Uh, cause he, he elevates everything that he's in.

[24:46] He really does.

[24:48] Uh, no.

[24:49] They, uh, they have, meanwhile, the, Julianne Moore's sister has a daughter who's a witch.

[24:55] She's played by Ex Machina.

[24:57] Mm-hmm.

[24:57] And she starts falling in love with the hero because as she tells him.

[25:02] A blandy guy.

Stuart Wellington

[25:03] After it happens.

[25:04] Or is she just trying to trick him so that she, he'll free her and she'll leave him down in that, like, fancy mansion to, like, starve to death, I'm assuming.

[25:12] And then she'll go off and live amongst humans.

[25:15] Maniac mansion.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] Uh, so anyway.

[25:18] And we're, and forget, we're forgetting the most, the best character in the whole movie.

[25:22] A little guy, and by that I mean a big guy.

[25:25] Mm-hmm.

[25:25] Named Tusk.

[25:26] Now, Tusk is.

[25:27] He's as loyal as he is ugly.

[25:29] He's best described as a leftover latex mask from some other movie that has been applied to a tall actor so that he looks a little bit like if Robert Davi had just, like, weird giant vampire tusks.

Stuart Wellington

[25:41] Yeah.

[25:41] Or if, like, Tom Waits, after morphing into Ron Perlman, just kept on morphing.

Elliott Kalan

[25:46] Just keep, kept morphing, huh?

[25:48] Yeah.

[25:49] Dan, what's your joke analogy for what he looks like?

Dan McCoy

[25:52] Um, he's like a goblin mixed with a toothpaste tube.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] That doesn't really, that doesn't really help me.

[26:00] That makes sense.

[26:01] But he, and there's a couple times when Jeff Bridges is like, oh, he's as loyal as he is ugly.

[26:05] And it gets to a point where it feels like he's, looks, shaming him.

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Notoriously, uh, a notorious Hollywood hunk, Jeff Bridges.

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] It feels like, yeah.

[26:16] For a long time.

[26:18] Tusk.

[26:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[26:19] He's got that amazing beard.

[26:20] He's a very handsome man.

[26:21] He's just older now.

[26:23] Tusk, like.

[26:24] Go see any movie he made from the 70s through, like, the year 2000.

[26:27] Yeah, crazy art.

[26:28] Yeah, no, he's a super handsome.

[26:30] I'm crazy for him.

[26:30] What are you talking?

[26:31] He's a very handsome man.

Dan McCoy

[26:33] It does feel like, maybe like Tusk, like, stole a lady from him at some point.

[26:38] And now he just feels like he just needs to rub in, like, at any point.

[26:41] He's like, no, but you're ugly.

[26:42] But you're ugly.

Elliott Kalan

[26:43] Stupid.

[26:44] I know you're my most loyal friend, but you're ugly.

[26:47] Now.

Stuart Wellington

[26:47] Yeah, and Tusk is like, well, I may be ugly, but, you know, sometimes a girl likes a strong,

[26:52] silent type.

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] Yeah.

[26:53] Not always talking in an inconferensible accent.

Dan McCoy

[26:55] And a good eater, I'm assuming.

[26:56] I'm sexy ugly.

[26:57] You know what I'm saying.

[26:58] You know, I've got, like, this quiet conference.

Stuart Wellington

[27:01] Yeah, and we've indicated that he can at least pee a large volume of water onto a fire.

[27:06] Right.

[27:06] Which is what women love.

[27:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:08] You know what they say about it.

[27:10] That's what they talk about in the locker room.

[27:11] Women are like, that don't impress me much.

[27:14] Can you put out a fire with your.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] That don't impress me much.

[27:19] Hey.

Stuart Wellington

[27:20] Leonardo's wife should not.

Dan McCoy

[27:21] Why don't you put out a fire with your impressive urine stream, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] So you and Brad Pitt are that don't impress me much.

[27:29] Up, up, up, up.

[27:30] No, that's not the song we're singing.

[27:33] So there's a lot of adventures.

[27:36] We can go through all of them in detail, but we're not going to.

[27:38] They fight some dragons.

[27:40] They fight a big monster.

[27:41] They fight another monster.

[27:43] Eventually, Jeff Bridges takes his apprentice to his, like, secret steampunk hideout cave

[27:50] where he has swords and things.

[27:51] And here's the thing I liked about the movie.

[27:52] Aside from the throwing chains, which the bad guys use, so I'll just say they're magic,

[27:58] the hero does not have a bunch of, like, steampunk inventions.

[28:02] They're just swords and axes.

[28:03] Yeah, he's got, like, a magic staff.

[28:05] And he's got, like, powders that have magical properties.

Dan McCoy

[28:07] And the training montage had, like, a bunch of good jokes in it.

[28:10] I can't.

[28:11] I, like, I just remember that they existed.

[28:13] I can't really remember what they were.

[28:14] Well, there's a bunch of good jokes in it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] And there's one particularly good joke later on where he's always got this magic flask.

[28:20] Yeah.

[28:20] And I assume it's magic because it's never.

[28:21] Well, I mean, well, that was the one joke I remember.

Dan McCoy

[28:24] I mean, like, your joke is later on.

[28:26] But, like, the one joke I do remember from the montage is where it's, like, he has the flask.

[28:32] And he's, like, this is a magic potion.

[28:33] He's, like, what does it give you?

[28:34] He's, like, courage.

[28:35] But it's just, like, alcohol.

[28:37] And then later on.

[28:37] He says, what does this kill?

[28:39] Cowardice.

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] Yeah, exactly.

[28:40] But later on, he gives him a taste from the flask.

[28:43] And he takes a sip, the younger guy.

[28:46] And the younger guy's about to take another sip.

[28:47] And Jeffrey goes, no, you must only take one sip a day.

[28:51] He goes, why is that?

[28:52] Because it's mine.

Dan McCoy

[28:53] I was, like, that's a solid joke.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Yeah.

[28:56] And delivers very well.

[28:58] Eventually, they all catch up with each other at, there's a town that the witches go to for whatever.

[29:05] I don't remember why they went to that town.

[29:07] Because another witch was burned there or something.

[29:09] Yeah, it's where the bear guy got burned.

[29:11] It's where they burned Mr. Bear.

[29:12] Yeah.

[29:13] And we're Paddington the witch.

[29:14] That's the noise the bear makes.

[29:16] It's just the song the bear sings.

[29:20] That's a flashback.

[29:21] That's an old Flop House episode.

[29:23] That's just the song.

[29:23] Flop House.

[29:24] The song the bear plays.

[29:25] Back, back, back.

[29:26] Go find it.

[29:27] I'm not going to tell you what episode it's from, because I don't remember.

[29:30] One missed call.

[29:31] Oh, it was one missed call.

[29:33] Spoiler alert.

[29:35] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[29:35] That's the song the bear makes.

[29:38] So the witches all are mad, and they're like, we're going to make an example of these jerks.

[29:44] So they go in force and blow stuff up, and they all transform and use all their powers.

[29:50] And this is actually a kind of fun little scene, because there's a fair amount of motion to the sequence.

[29:56] It's not like the fucking Avengers montage at the end of the first Avengers movie.

[30:01] But it's still pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[30:03] There's, I mean, there are actions.

[30:04] There's like a dragon monster bursting through walls.

[30:06] Most of the action sequences in this movie I enjoyed.

[30:09] The last one at the end is a little sloppy.

[30:11] Yeah, the last couple.

[30:11] It's a little sloppy.

[30:12] It does fall under the problem that a lot of movies have where it's like, these are the toughest, toughest, roughest bad guys in the world.

[30:20] Oh, wow.

[30:21] We're running out of time.

[30:22] Let's just kill these guys quick, okay?

[30:24] Two hits, and you're done.

[30:25] God of Swords, you're going to get lit on fire pretty quick.

[30:29] Snake Man, you died already a long time ago.

[30:32] You, I guess you'll get stabbed in the gut, and you're dead now.

Stuart Wellington

[30:34] And most of the time, the bad guy just like totally underestimates the other person, and then they get stabbed and they die.

[30:41] It's not like they're like fighting.

[30:43] They're just like standing there for a second that they're dead.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] And there's no brilliant stratagem that the hero, it's not like, I discovered the one weakness, and now I'll exploit it.

[30:51] It's being set on fire.

[30:52] They don't like that.

[30:54] These witches' weaknesses is everything that would kill a person.

[30:57] So fire, stabbing, I assume a gunshot wound, maybe just a heart attack.

[31:02] My only weakness is my own mortality.

[31:06] It's a step away from one of the bad guys just clutching his chest and dropping dead of a heart attack.

[31:11] Or like, if the God of Swords was swinging his swords at you and then had a brain aneurysm and died.

[31:15] Yep, sometimes happens.

[31:17] It's not quite as sloppy as that, but it's a little bit.

[31:19] But anyway, Olivia Williams, it turns out, the amulet she gave to her son is a special secret blood rock stone thing that gives Mother Malkin extra superpower badness.

[31:31] She wants that thing.

[31:33] Yeah, and so Olivia Williams.

Dan McCoy

[31:35] She's gotta have it, in the words of the movie.

[31:37] She's gotta have it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] Yeah, she's gotta have that MacGuffin.

[31:41] It was weird when I was watching She's Gotta Have It, and I was like, this is a really good just kind of look at a couple people's lives.

[31:47] Well, now they're fighting over a magic amulet.

[31:50] It's weird.

[31:51] I thought what she had to have was love and sex, but I guess it was that magic amulet.

Stuart Wellington

[31:55] Yeah.

[31:55] And if she finds that amulet, will it become She's All That?

[31:59] Oh.

[32:00] I was just an amulet to you?

[32:02] Yep.

[32:03] A stupid amulet?

[32:04] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[32:06] Freddie Prinze Jr.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] Truly a prince among men.

Dan McCoy

[32:10] Yep.

[32:11] Take that, wing commander.

Elliott Kalan

[32:14] Take that, guy who wanted to play Spider-Man but didn't get the part.

Dan McCoy

[32:19] Take that, Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar.

[32:22] Are they married?

[32:24] They at least were.

[32:26] I don't know if that's still happening.

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] Write in to, are they married?

Dan McCoy

[32:29] Care of Dan McCoy.

[32:31] One, two, three, flop street.

[32:32] Freddie Prinze Jr.

Elliott Kalan

[32:33] Write in and tell me whether you're still married to Sarah Michelle Gellar.

[32:37] SMG, you can write in, too.

[32:38] Tell us if you're still married to the Prinze.

[32:40] She's probably pretty busy, though.

[32:42] With what?

[32:43] What?

[32:45] Is she Clarissa?

Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[32:49] Is she Sabrina?

[32:51] Even Clarissa isn't Clarissa anymore.

[32:54] Or Sabrina.

Dan McCoy

[32:57] In the movie Sabrina.

[32:58] I'm surprised that Clarissa isn't Clarissa anymore because she had to explain it all.

[33:02] She had to explain all of it.

[33:04] She can't be done by now.

[33:07] No, she explained it all.

[33:08] No, I mean, that would take infinite amount of time.

Elliott Kalan

[33:12] Merely a drop of water in an ocean of knowledge.

[33:14] Yeah.

[33:16] But that's the thing about a drop of water.

[33:17] The entire ocean is in that drop.

[33:18] If you look close to that.

[33:19] It's like the waiting in a whale is six bites.

[33:22] Small bites at all.

[33:23] That's what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[33:23] I need the whole thing.

[33:24] And patience.

[33:24] Small bites?

[33:26] Grains of sand is what I'm saying, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[33:28] I hate sand.

[33:29] It's so rough.

[33:30] It gets everywhere.

[33:31] It gets in your butt.

[33:31] Not like Natalie Portman's skin.

[33:35] Wait, where does it get?

[33:37] Wait, where does her skin get?

[33:39] It just gets on her.

[33:40] Oh, okay.

[33:40] Look, I don't remember what Hayden Panetary.

[33:43] Hayden Panetary.

[33:44] That's Hayden Panetary.

[33:45] I don't remember what Anakin said in that movie, okay?

[33:47] All I remember is that he was touching her back.

Dan McCoy

[33:49] If Hayden Panetary was played the Hayden Christensen and the free balls.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] Played the Hayden Christensen.

Dan McCoy

[33:54] She'd actually be pretty good, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] That's the Hayden Christensen.

[33:59] If she played the Hayden Christensen in Shattered Glass.

[34:02] I'm amazing.

[34:05] I love it all.

Elliott Kalan

[34:06] She's in a movie called Shattered Hayden, which is about the making of Shattered Glass.

[34:10] Guys, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[34:11] A real hero is tapped to play Hayden Christensen.

[34:14] All right, this is your job, Flophouse fans.

Dan McCoy

[34:17] This is your job?

[34:18] Are you paying?

[34:19] It's called Hayden.

[34:20] Yeah.

[34:21] What are the benefits?

[34:22] It's called Hayden Switch 2016.

[34:26] Switch out Hayden Christensen for Hayden Panetary.

[34:29] In both of their projects.

[34:31] Yeah, in any project.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] Then show it to your grandparent who's going to be like, I don't know who these people are.

[34:37] But I appreciate the attention.

Stuart Wellington

[34:40] But thank you for visiting me.

Elliott Kalan

[34:45] Yeah.

[34:46] So there's a big fight on this amulet.

[34:48] The daughter who the hero is falling in love with runs off with it.

[34:52] After he saved her life from the witch hunter.

[34:56] Yeah.

[34:56] There's a big fight at the ruined.

[34:58] Witch hunter, Daryl.

[34:58] At the legends of the hidden temple that Julianne Moore lives in.

[35:03] They fight, fight, fight, fight.

[35:04] They fight, they fight.

[35:05] They fight and fight and fight.

[35:06] A bunch of witches turn into flaming paper.

[35:10] They turn into flaming paper when they die.

[35:12] And the good guys win in the end.

[35:14] And it turns out that Jeff Bridges had once loved Mother Malkin.

[35:17] They were in love together.

[35:19] And it was only because she loved him that he was able to trick her into being imprisoned so many years before.

[35:25] And he's about to stab her.

[35:27] But then she fights him.

[35:28] And then the apprentice just kind of throws a knife right into her gut.

[35:32] Yeah.

[35:32] And then burns her up.

[35:33] It's a callback.

Dan McCoy

[35:34] Goodbye, Michelle Malkin.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] That's why he was training him to throw knives so well.

Dan McCoy

[35:38] Yeah.

[35:38] So that he would show up at the end and throw that knife.

Elliott Kalan

[35:41] It is the only training he gets.

[35:42] He gets magic powder, education, and knife throwing.

[35:45] And that's about it.

[35:46] Oh, and he sword fights with some kind of possessed suit of armor.

[35:50] Poorly.

[35:51] Yes.

[35:52] Yeah.

[35:52] And so, and then.

[35:54] You have fought in poorly.

[35:56] What?

[35:57] You have fought in?

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:58] I was supposed to say you had chosen poorly, but I made it fought in instead.

[36:02] Charles Foughton, the actor and director of Night of the Funcher.

[36:04] Right.

[36:04] Night of the Funcher.

Dan McCoy

[36:05] He made that one movie.

[36:06] Yeah.

[36:07] Oh, man.

[36:08] He should have made more movies.

Stuart Wellington

[36:11] And in the end, we have our hero, whose name I don't remember.

[36:17] Yeah.

[36:17] Let's just call him Seventh Son.

[36:18] Seventh Son.

[36:19] He kisses Alicia Vikander.

[36:21] Who then turns into the wind.

[36:22] Yeah, she witches away.

[36:23] Like women do.

[36:24] Yep.

[36:24] Just like a woman.

[36:25] And for a second, you think that he's going to go riding off into adventure, but nope.

Elliott Kalan

[36:30] He gets a tattoo on his hand.

[36:33] That means he's a witch hunter now.

[36:34] You mean a brand from a hot piece of metal.

[36:36] Yeah, whatever.

[36:37] He gets branded.

[36:38] And now he is, now that witch cave is his, and he gets to stay there with Tusk.

[36:45] Because Tusk, I guess, owed Jeff Bridges a life debt and is now going to be passed on to whoever.

[36:49] And Jeff Bridges rides off to, I guess, seek his fortune.

[36:53] Yeah.

[36:53] And a bell tolls, and that's what tells them that there's a witch to be about.

[36:59] And he puts his hoodie up and is on his way.

[37:04] The apprentice, that is.

[37:05] Yeah.

[37:06] Because he wears, much like it irritated Stuart that Eddie Murphy and the Golden Child wore like a white hoodie with the hood half cut off.

[37:13] It bothered me that the apprentice in this is basically just wearing a white champion brand hoodie through the entire movie.

[37:19] It really threw me off.

[37:21] And the only.

[37:22] Well, it's a classic white hat trope, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[37:24] Well, if it was a white hoodie.

[37:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] It wasn't even like a cloak.

Stuart Wellington

[37:28] Yeah.

[37:29] I mean, he looked kind of like.

Elliott Kalan

[37:30] He even had a drawstring for the hood.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] If he went to a comic book convention and he was like, yeah, this is my costume.

[37:36] I'm the guy from Assassin's Creed.

[37:37] People would be like, you look terrible.

[37:39] Fourth place.

[37:41] Fourth place is pretty good.

[37:43] Yeah.

[37:43] It's a small comic book convention.

Dan McCoy

[37:44] I mean, it's just outside of placing.

[37:47] What?

[37:47] It's just outside of placing, though.

[37:49] Like, it's kind of insulting.

[37:50] Just to be like.

[37:51] Just outside.

[37:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] I mean, they're giving it to him because he's like got magic powers.

[37:54] You still work.

[37:55] Fourth place, you still win a $15 gift certificate.

[37:57] Like, come on.

[37:58] Yeah, to see him goody.

[37:59] Which closed years ago.

[38:02] Now you can only go to Sam Batty.

[38:04] No.

[38:04] Oh.

[38:05] Now, let me say this.

[38:08] My description was pretty lackluster.

Dan McCoy

[38:10] No, it's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[38:11] But I feel like it's because.

[38:13] I feel like it's because.

Dan McCoy

[38:14] No, LA, you did a great job.

[38:15] You're super.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] For some reason, when it's a bad movie, the details are burned into my brain and I want

[38:20] to discuss them.

[38:21] But I genuinely really had fun watching this movie.

[38:24] Yeah, I mean, we're skipping to Final Judgment.

[38:25] Let's just do it now.

[38:26] It's by no means a great movie or even a particularly good movie.

[38:29] But I would like enjoyed it so much that I kind of didn't remember it that well afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[38:34] Yeah, I'm.

[38:35] Which is why this is the worst Flophouse episode.

[38:37] In.

[38:38] Oh, man.

[38:39] In the.

[38:40] You can still save it.

[38:41] Okay.

[38:42] No, in the Flophouse categories of good, bad movie, bad, bad movie, movie, kind of liked.

[38:47] I got to say, I definitely kind of like this movie.

[38:50] Yeah, me too.

[38:51] Every.

[38:52] Look, I think that our nominal hero for this movie, Blandy Blanderson, like you can kind

[38:58] of fast forward through all of his scenes.

[39:00] What's his name?

[39:01] Like Todd or something?

[39:03] What's the character's name?

Stuart Wellington

[39:04] The character's name is Tom.

[39:07] Anytime that he's.

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] So close.

[39:09] I'll give you 55% credit.

Stuart Wellington

[39:12] Okay.

[39:12] Can I redeem that at Sam Goody?

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] Yes.

[39:15] You can get one third of a mobile fidelity gold disc.

[39:18] It sounds better because it's gold.

[39:20] So pay me $100 for this CD.

Dan McCoy

[39:22] Anytime that guy's on screen without Jeff Bridges, you can pretty much ignore.

[39:28] Just skip it.

[39:29] Ignore the movie.

[39:30] Luckily, Jeff Bridges isn't in like most of the film.

[39:34] So.

Elliott Kalan

[39:34] I mean, this is a movie that by all rights, Jeff Bridges should have been in three scenes

[39:38] and Julianne Moore should have been in two scenes.

[39:40] And yet they have really consistent presences throughout the movie.

[39:44] Yeah.

[39:44] And are really fun to watch.

[39:46] And Julianne Moore gets to wear some really crazy costumes.

[39:50] Jeff Bridges gets.

Dan McCoy

[39:50] He's got like a clog glove that she scrapes people up with.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] If Jeff Bridges had brought this level to RIPD.

[39:58] Yeah.

[39:59] That could have elevated that movie.

[40:00] Like it shows you how much he makes a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] Yeah.

[40:03] It really.

[40:04] And.

[40:05] But he has the same kind of mumbly performance.

[40:08] But yeah, he's just so much more fun.

[40:10] And I don't know if it's because the supporting cast seems a little better than RIPD.

[40:13] Like Alicia Vikander seems pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] Mm-hmm.

[40:17] Also, there's.

[40:19] I felt like with RIPD, they were really convinced that that was like an amazing premise.

[40:25] Yeah.

[40:25] And they were like, people are going to love this premise.

Stuart Wellington

[40:27] People love Men in Black.

[40:28] And that's way crazier than this.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] What if instead of aliens, it was ghosts?

[40:31] Like this is.

[40:32] I feel like they know the premise is not that original.

[40:36] Yeah.

[40:36] It's just a guy trying to hunt down a big bad magic monster.

[40:39] Yeah.

[40:39] And so.

[40:41] It felt like.

[40:42] It felt like they put a little bit more effort into just like.

[40:45] What would be a fun thing for them to do here?

[40:47] Or like.

[40:48] If here's a monster that has bad eyesight.

[40:50] Let's have it like.

[40:51] Just barging through things.

[40:53] And slamming into mountains and stuff like that.

[40:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:55] And the effects for that one were pretty cool.

[40:56] The.

[40:57] I wish they.

[40:58] They did less with the.

[40:59] The like.

[41:01] Julianne Moore tail attack that she used on everybody.

[41:04] Yeah.

[41:04] I got kind of bored of that attack.

[41:05] Which was a little crappy.

[41:07] And a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[41:07] All the morphing effects were.

[41:09] I guess all right.

[41:09] But.

[41:10] There was a.

[41:10] One character turns into a white dragon.

[41:12] And that effect never looked very good.

Stuart Wellington

[41:14] Yeah.

[41:14] And.

[41:15] I feel like with.

[41:16] With that sort of shit.

[41:18] Like less is more dude.

[41:19] Just do.

[41:20] Like it's probably cheaper to do less of it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] There's a part at the end where.

[41:25] Juman Hanshu's character.

[41:26] Is a dragon.

[41:27] He's fighting Jeff Bridges.

[41:28] Jeff Bridges goes.

[41:29] You fight me as a dragon.

[41:30] Have you no honor.

[41:31] And it's.

[41:32] And Juman Hanshu turns into a person again.

[41:34] And it's almost like.

[41:34] He's like.

[41:35] We're running out of money for the effects budget.

Stuart Wellington

[41:38] Just be a man for the rest of this.

[41:39] We got a black dragon and a white dragon.

[41:41] Circling each other like a really cool yin yang up there.

[41:45] We can't afford a third dragon.

[41:47] That.

[41:48] Is that yin yang and what else?

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] We only have money for a double dragon for this final fight.

[41:54] For the NES.

[41:56] Hello Internet.

S4

[42:07] I'm Travis McElroy.

S5

[42:09] And I'm Teresa McElroy.

S4

[42:11] She is my wife.

S5

[42:12] And he's my husband.

S4

[42:13] And it is our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast.

S5

[42:17] Schmanners.

[42:18] It's extraordinary etiquette.

S4

[42:20] For ordinary occasions.

[42:21] Teresa let me ask you this.

[42:22] Can you teach me how to write a thank you note?

S5

[42:25] Yes, I can.

S4

[42:26] How about tips to improve my table manners?

[42:28] I'll do my best.

[42:30] And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff?

S5

[42:38] If anybody can't, I can.

S4

[42:40] But like it's going to be funny, right?

S5

[42:42] Of course.

[42:42] I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives.

[42:49] How could it not be funny?

S4

[42:50] But also sometimes we'll talk about burps and farts, right?

S5

[42:54] Yeah, when not to.

S4

[42:55] But we'll still talk about it.

[42:57] Yes.

[42:57] Great.

[42:58] So come join us for our new hilarious show.

S5

[43:01] No RSVP required.

S4

[43:03] Coming to you soon every Friday on MaximumFun.org.

[43:06] It's Schmanners.

S5

[43:08] Schmanners.

[43:09] Schmanners.

[43:09] Get it?

Dan McCoy

[43:12] Just a note from our sponsor for the show this week.

[43:16] Yes.

[43:17] The Flophouse is supported by Squarespace.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] You bet it is.

[43:21] Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[43:23] Build it beautiful.

[43:26] Squarespace is the simplest way to create a compelling website.

[43:29] From the strange to the downright bizarre, great stories define us.

[43:34] You should tell yours.

[43:35] With simple tools and templates, Squarespace helps you capture your story with a captivating website.

[43:41] You can start your free trial today.

[43:44] Visit squarespace.com slash flop.

[43:48] You should.

[43:49] Squarespace.

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] Now, here's the thing.

[43:52] You said bizarre stories, right?

[43:53] Because I have an idea for a website and I wanted to run it by you guys.

[43:56] I thought maybe Squarespace could help.

[43:57] It's called www.sewerbath.com.

[44:00] Okay.

[44:01] And here's something that I've never mentioned to you guys, but it might explain.

[44:04] It sounds great.

[44:04] The smell.

[44:05] I have a fear of clean water.

[44:07] Okay.

[44:07] And so when I bathe, I go into the sewers, much like a Ninja Turtle or a Chud.

[44:12] Yeah.

[44:12] Or, you know, any, you know.

[44:14] I get the picture.

[44:15] Or like an Orson Welles and the Third Man or a Dark Man.

[44:18] Yep.

[44:18] That's what he's doing down there.

[44:19] He's bathing.

[44:20] Oh, man.

[44:21] A, a, a, a, a, you know, Phantomos, you know, one of those types.

[44:27] So I take a lot of baths in sewage.

[44:30] And as a result, I see a lot of interesting things.

[44:33] As a result, I have hepatitis C.

[44:35] I mean, that's another thing.

[44:36] Do you guys know a cure for cholera?

[44:38] But, so I wanted to start this website called www.sewerbath.com.

[44:42] It's just pictures.

[44:43] Okay.

[44:43] Abu Dhabi Dhabi Dhabi Dhabi Dhabi.

[44:46] Robert Dhabi Dhabi Dhabi.

[44:46] Abu Dhabi Dhabi Dhabi.

[44:48] Sewerbath Dhabi Dhabi.

[44:48] Because I'm sitting normal there.

[44:50] And so do you think Squarespace would be able to help me?

[44:53] Because I've got to put up a lot of pictures.

[44:55] And also I like to write stories about the objects I find in the sewer.

[44:58] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[44:58] So do you think I can put text?

[45:00] So there's a whole section.

[45:01] I'm assuming you can put text in this website that you're.

[45:03] I hope so.

[45:04] Because here's the thing.

[45:04] I don't know anything about coding.

Elliott Kalan

[45:06] I do have a slick coating of grease from my sewer baths.

[45:11] Yep.

[45:11] But I don't know about anything about computer coding.

[45:13] But you think Squarespace could even help me?

[45:15] A guy who doesn't know.

[45:16] Only Squarespace.

[45:17] Could Squarespace help me?

[45:19] A guy who doesn't know anything about websites?

[45:20] I'm pretty sure.

[45:21] Dan, you want to check the notes?

Dan McCoy

[45:23] Squarespace helps you capture a story with a captivating website, says the notes.

[45:27] So what website should I go to?

[45:30] You should go to squarespace.com slash flop.

[45:34] How do you spell flop?

[45:35] F-L-O-P.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] How do you spell square?

[45:39] S-Q-A-R-E.

[45:41] Wait, S-Q-U-A-R-E.

[45:46] Here's the bit I was going to do.

[45:47] I was going to ask you to spell square and then space.

[45:49] And after you aced those, I was going to ask you to spell a really complicated word.

[45:53] But I'm just going to skip that bit since you stumbled over the word square.

Dan McCoy

[45:57] I'm distracted by the next bit, which is in my hand.

[46:03] Oh, we got to prepare.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] Squarespace.com.

[46:06] I took the wind out of my sails on that one, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[46:10] Well, squarespace.com.

[46:11] Well, thanks, Squarespace.

[46:12] Build it, Squarespace.

[46:16] Yeah.

[46:16] No, we've received a lot of gifts from listeners.

[46:21] And I wanted to thank people.

Elliott Kalan

[46:23] The Flophouse mailbag is bursting at the seams.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] Yeah.

[46:26] The physical mailbag is bursting in a way that it hasn't ever.

[46:32] First, I want to read this letter from Nathan.

[46:37] Last name with Harold.

[46:39] Dear Flop Easts.

[46:40] Hey, guys.

[46:41] I'm a huge fan of the Flophouse.

[46:42] And I just wanted to give you guys this gift.

[46:45] I worked at a used record shop in Detroit.

[46:49] And amazingly ran across this 45 RPM single of Robbie Buchanan performing The Chosen One from the soundtrack of The Golden Child.

[46:57] Whoa.

[46:59] Now, he says that Elliot should have this because he specifically mentioned liking the music.

[47:05] But anyone who has a turntable could take it.

[47:09] Alas, I do not have one.

[47:11] Yeah.

[47:11] I think I'm the only one with a record player, right?

[47:15] Yeah, that checks out.

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] I'll allow it.

[47:19] There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't own a record player.

Dan McCoy

[47:23] In any event, consider it a token of my appreciation for what you guys do.

[47:27] It's kept me laughing since the classic Oogie Loves episode.

[47:31] So I appreciate it.

[47:32] Now, there was a movie worth flopping.

[47:34] Yeah.

[47:34] So this is a single of Robbie Buchanan, The Chosen One.

[47:41] Are you going to put it on there?

[47:42] From the Golden Child soundtrack.

[47:45] No, I don't think I'm going to put it on there.

[47:47] Although, this does remind me that John Biegun, John Biegun, I assume John Biegun did a version of Elliot's That's How It Works song that will be put on this episode.

Elliott Kalan

[48:05] Please do, because that was a masterpiece, what he put together there.

[48:08] Yeah.

[48:08] I feel like he both made me sound better than I actually do, and by putting music behind it,

[48:15] showed me how totally off-key I am all the time.

Dan McCoy

[48:18] So stay tuned after the episode to listen to the single version of That's How It Works.

Stuart Wellington

[48:25] That's not the album cut.

Elliott Kalan

[48:26] Assuredly, the song of the winner.

[48:29] The album version has a lot more production elements on it.

Dan McCoy

[48:33] The song of the winner.

[48:34] Sure, it's meant for radio play.

[48:35] The song of the winner, definitely.

[48:36] But thank you to Nathan for the chosen one from the soundtrack to The Golden Child.

[48:42] But moving on.

[48:43] That's great.

[48:44] Also, in the physical mailbox this week.

[48:51] What?

Elliott Kalan

[48:52] I'm just, look, I'm doing my best not to make fun of your mispronunciations.

Dan McCoy

[48:58] Michelle, last name with hell, sent out these zines that she made.

[49:03] Whoa.

[49:04] We love zines.

[49:06] Peaches Beat.

[49:07] The magazine for Purpzoids and Purpzettes.

[49:11] The Tiger Beat for fans of the Flophouse.

[49:14] Oh, wow.

[49:15] With a lot of great photos of us sent to ourselves.

[49:20] That's just what teens like.

[49:23] Quotes.

[49:25] Quizzes.

Stuart Wellington

[49:26] Here's at least one picture that compares your beard to Riker's beard, Dan.

[49:30] It is a very Rikerish beard.

Dan McCoy

[49:34] So thank you, Michelle, for that.

[49:35] Thank you very much.

[49:36] Oh, this is lovely.

[49:38] You guys vamp for a second while I go vamping it up.

[49:41] Bleh, bleh.

Elliott Kalan

[49:42] I want to suck your blood.

[49:46] Yep.

[49:46] But I barely know you.

[49:48] Let's talk.

[49:49] Oh, yeah.

[49:50] Let's.

[49:50] Batman.

Stuart Wellington

[49:52] In our little town of Anateka.

[49:54] I live in Gotham.

[49:55] I'm a billionaire, I suppose.

[49:57] Ah, fascinating.

[49:58] Fascinating.

[49:59] I'm a vampire.

[50:00] Sure.

[50:01] How's your relationship with your parents?

[50:03] Mine is weird, too.

[50:04] Not great.

Elliott Kalan

[50:05] Do you mean my real parents or my vampire father who turned me into a creature of the night?

[50:11] My relationship to both is not good.

Stuart Wellington

[50:14] So, yeah.

[50:15] I mean, biological.

[50:16] I don't quite understand.

Elliott Kalan

[50:18] They're both biology related.

[50:20] And you, what do you do in your spare time?

[50:24] Do you have hobbies?

[50:25] It's kind of like parkour.

[50:28] Interesting.

[50:29] But it's gadget based.

[50:30] I do a lot of jumping off of buildings and landing in a three-point style with my legs and one arm down on the ground.

[50:37] Do you?

[50:38] It's weird.

[50:39] I distinctly remember making my ad an M4W ad and yet you responded.

Stuart Wellington

[50:45] You're getting closer to a murdering song.

Elliott Kalan

[50:48] You know, my film, Fitzgerald.

[50:51] I'm a vampire, by the way.

[50:54] There's something I should tell you about myself.

Dan McCoy

[50:58] I'm not actually a vampire.

[51:00] You really don't need a vamp anymore.

[51:01] We're moving on.

[51:03] Oh, thank goodness.

[51:04] Back to the Flophouse housework.

[51:05] So, from...

[51:07] It's hard to read his signature, but I'm going to say from D. Gary.

[51:15] That's what I'm going to go with.

[51:17] We have...

Stuart Wellington

[51:18] We'll have to get our Flophouse handwriting expert in here.

Dan McCoy

[51:21] Which is Dan, unfortunately.

[51:23] Oh, no.

[51:23] He donated a little to the Flophouse.

[51:26] And also, he sent us DVDs of The Stuff.

[51:31] Oh, that's a fun movie.

[51:32] Jim Cotta.

[51:33] That's a great, stupid movie.

[51:34] That's an amazing movie.

[51:35] And some Ziggy Valentines.

[51:37] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] When Ziggy doesn't know love, he's lonely.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] So, we'll split...

Stuart Wellington

[51:40] We'll have to crack that box open and find out the contents.

[51:43] We'll argue over who gets what after the show.

Elliott Kalan

[51:46] Yeah, because we're going to be fighting over those Ziggy Valentines.

[51:49] Yeah.

[51:51] But lastly...

[51:52] Because I have to go back to second grade tomorrow.

[51:55] Just kidding.

[51:56] Thanks for sending them.

[51:57] They're great.

[51:58] Oh, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[52:00] Dan, what are you breaking?

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] That was some radio effects where Dan dropped a thing.

Stuart Wellington

[52:02] Dan is literally sitting next to a pile of things.

[52:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:06] Yeah, sorry.

[52:07] Lastly, great thanks to Ashley Shannon, who sent in a bunch of...

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] Oh, not going to withhold that last name, huh?

Dan McCoy

[52:17] Yeah, sorry.

[52:18] She sent in a bunch of...

[52:19] I know she's just in the witness protection program, but that's okay.

[52:22] A bunch of late Cajmas gifts.

[52:25] And she said, it would be great if you could open them on air.

[52:29] And I said, hey, why not?

[52:32] So, I have no idea what these things are.

[52:34] What if they're really offensive?

[52:35] Impossible.

[52:36] Yeah.

[52:36] But...

Stuart Wellington

[52:36] And we can't edit this out.

Dan McCoy

[52:39] No.

[52:40] We're going out live right now.

Stuart Wellington

[52:41] This is like undateable.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] These are giant packages, honestly.

[52:48] These are large packages.

[52:49] I had to take a cab home from work.

[52:51] Well, the flop-outs...

[52:51] Stop bragging about your package.

Elliott Kalan

[52:52] Flop-outs are known for their large packages.

Dan McCoy

[52:54] So, I'm going to...

[52:55] Wow, that is a lot of stuff.

[52:57] ...distribute these out here, and we get...

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] Are they 21 in particular?

Dan McCoy

[53:01] I guess we'll open them on.

[53:02] There's no indication of who gets what, so we can just open these.

Elliott Kalan

[53:07] Okay, that's...

[53:07] You're listening to the sound of us opening things.

Dan McCoy

[53:09] These are late Cajmas gifts.

[53:10] Riveting audio.

Stuart Wellington

[53:11] So, Cajmas is the annual holiday every December where we watch Nicholas Cage movies.

[53:16] Yeah, it comes right after Sadler-vember.

[53:19] When we watch...

[53:20] Sandler-vember.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] Well, no, Sadler.

[53:21] When we watch William Sadler movies.

Stuart Wellington

[53:23] Oh, that would be great.

[53:26] Oh, this one's to Stuart, it says.

[53:28] Okay.

[53:28] Oh, okay.

[53:30] This one is...

[53:31] So, trade it up.

[53:31] To Dan.

[53:32] Should I just keep it?

[53:34] I think so, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:36] And this one also says to Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[53:37] Okay, so I guess nothing for me.

[53:39] That's fine.

[53:39] Okay.

[53:40] No, no.

[53:41] My life is full of blessings.

[53:42] I need for nothing.

Dan McCoy

[53:43] This one over here, I assume, is then for you.

[53:44] Oh, okay.

[53:45] Thanks.

[53:46] It's the largest one.

[53:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:48] For the smallest guy.

Dan McCoy

[53:50] All right.

[53:51] So, we can all open.

[53:52] We're going to keep opening.

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] Keep opening.

[53:55] On air.

[53:55] Stay with us, audience.

[53:57] Stay with us.

[53:59] Dan, you could have at least taken the plastic wrap off.

Dan McCoy

[54:02] You love more than the sound of presents being opened.

Elliott Kalan

[54:04] The only way this could be...

[54:05] There could be more layers is if you had put these in the trunk of a car.

[54:09] You're opening the car.

[54:12] Maybe the car had been wrapped in...

[54:15] Oh, wow.

[54:15] Like greased saran wrap.

Stuart Wellington

[54:22] Yeah, this is to Ellen.

[54:23] So, mine is totally unwrapped, so I'll describe it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:26] I am looking at a lovely...

[54:28] Totally unwrapped sounds like the name of a reality show about a wrapping paper company.

Stuart Wellington

[54:35] That is run by hip-hop artists.

[54:37] Yo.

[54:39] So, I'm...

[54:40] I'm bravo.

[54:41] So, this is a lovely...

[54:43] It looks like a print of a map of Tolkien's Middle Earth that has been lovingly framed.

Dan McCoy

[54:49] And some nice greens and golds.

Stuart Wellington

[54:52] That's perfect for the elven theme in my living room.

[54:57] Yeah, you do call your living room Livindale.

[55:00] Yep, where we only speak Quennyans and Daren, depending on the time of year.

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] Whoa.

[55:09] This is...

[55:10] And this is also framed over here.

[55:11] It's huge.

[55:12] And this is...

[55:13] It looks like one of the...

[55:16] It's one of the posters for the Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3.

[55:23] My favorite movie of all time.

[55:24] The original version.

[55:26] Not the remake.

[55:27] Not the remake.

[55:28] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[55:29] And also in a lovely frame.

[55:31] And I got...

[55:33] So, I've got this smaller frame, which is a...

[55:38] This looks to have been taken from, I think, maybe an Instagram I did or something where

[55:44] I turned a plastic knife into a shark.

[55:51] That's all right.

[55:53] And I'm showing it to Elliot right now.

[55:55] Oh, that's adorable.

Elliott Kalan

[55:56] You really don't have a lot to do at work, huh?

[55:59] Well, and...

Stuart Wellington

[56:01] But sort of the larger gift here is a...

[56:06] I hope it's a framed picture of me and Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[56:08] No, it's a framed...

[56:10] It's a framed cover of the Flash Gordon special that he all did.

[56:15] Oh, that's great.

[56:16] That's very lovely.

Stuart Wellington

[56:17] Is it the Doc Shainer cover or is it the...

Dan McCoy

[56:20] It's definitely the Doc Shainer cover.

Stuart Wellington

[56:22] The superior cover.

[56:23] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[56:24] Whoa.

[56:25] I don't want to...

[56:25] Whoa, burn some bridges, why don't you?

[56:27] Just light Jeff Bridges on fire.

Dan McCoy

[56:29] It almost happens in Seven Sun.

[56:31] Look, I'm not saying that, like...

[56:33] I'm not saying something against the artist who did the other cover.

[56:35] I'm just...

[56:36] The other cover was a little too cutesy for me, is all.

[56:38] Oh, okay.

[56:39] This is a delight.

[56:40] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] Yeah, thank you very much.

[56:43] We don't deserve any of this stuff.

[56:45] No, it's wonderful.

Stuart Wellington

[56:47] Quite a...

[56:48] Though we're not going to open it on air, I'd also like to thank Lewis Michael Powell,

[56:55] who sent along a grab bag of stuff, a collection of DVDs, Buffy the Vampire Slayer collectible

[57:02] card games, a baseball mitt that I'm assuming is for David Lastname Withheld, Elliot's brother,

[57:09] et cetera, et cetera.

[57:11] Yeah, for when he gets back to the majors.

[57:12] Yeah.

[57:13] Yeah.

[57:15] So thank you very much for that, Lewis.

[57:18] I'm sure you'll see pictures of all this stuff on the internet soon.

Dan McCoy

[57:22] That's a lot of gift stuff.

[57:24] This was a lot of stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[57:26] Thank you, everybody.

[57:28] Just so you know, we don't do it for the gifts.

[57:30] We do it for the laughs.

[57:31] But cha-ching.

[57:33] Don't tell that to Squarespace.

[57:35] And Squarespace.

[57:36] We do it to Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[57:39] Surprisingly enough, though, that was...

[57:40] Do you have more things we can unwrap on air?

[57:42] No.

[57:43] Surprisingly enough, that was not our official letter section.

Elliott Kalan

[57:46] What?

[57:48] Glad I didn't sing a song.

Dan McCoy

[57:49] This is our official letter section.

Elliott Kalan

[57:54] Also, what that taught me is that if you have special instructions for your thing, just tell

[57:59] Dan to do it that way, because he'll do it.

[58:01] Mm-hmm.

[58:01] If you're like, now for this gift...

[58:03] I want you to read this letter backwards.

[58:05] When you open this, take off all your clothes at your workplace of work.

[58:08] All right.

[58:09] I have to do it, I guess.

[58:10] Mm-hmm.

[58:10] Law of letters.

Dan McCoy

[58:12] Letter law has spoken.

[58:14] Mm-hmm.

[58:14] I want to say...

[58:16] So this is the first letter.

[58:18] And it's a bit of a serious letter.

[58:20] I mean, it's actually quite a serious letter.

[58:22] So I'm just warning people now.

[58:26] But it goes like this.

[58:28] Dear Floppers,

[58:30] Unfortunately, I write in dire circumstances.

[58:33] My older adopted brother recently decided to end his life.

[58:38] He was a 28-year-old history, secondary high school teacher.

[58:43] And my last experience with him was listening to United Passions together and him moaning

[58:48] about his beloved Liverpool.

[58:50] As he made me a fan of the show, and toward the end, it was one of the few things that made

[58:55] me happy.

[58:57] He was always too scared to write it himself, but I hope that the Flophouse listeners give

[59:01] their love to Thomas' late family, the Bradleys, and use this as another reason to speak about

[59:06] mental health.

[59:09] So obviously that is very, very sad news about Thomas.

[59:19] And we appreciate that we were at least some solace to this man as he was clearly going through

[59:33] a lot of pain in his life.

[59:36] We are a comedy show, so it's difficult to say anything about this in a larger sense.

[59:42] But I don't know.

[59:45] I know that I've gone through a lot of issues with depression.

[59:49] I know that I think both of you have had your problems in the past.

[59:55] I urge anyone who's having trouble to seek help rather than to give in to despair.

[1:00:05] And that's about all I can say about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:07] Yeah, I mean, I would definitely say that having been doing the show for a number of years,

[1:00:13] I've interacted like it's allowed me to interact with a lot of people.

[1:00:18] And it's kind of shown me that there's a lot of great people out there and a lot of people

[1:00:25] that you can connect with, whether it's through the internet or whatever, whether it's through

[1:00:29] just listening to podcasts and finding some kind of human connection.

[1:00:34] And that's at least helped me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:38] You can never know what's going on inside of another person's head.

[1:00:46] And so I'm always wary to pretend that I've reached places that other people might have reached or not.

[1:00:55] But it's hard for me to know how my experiences would compare to somebody else's.

[1:01:01] But I was writing something recently that was on a similar theme to this

[1:01:06] about kind of seeing where my life could have gone or might have gone if the wrong things had happened.

[1:01:17] And how the only solution to that for me was other people.

[1:01:22] It was just like opening myself to other people.

[1:01:25] And that's a tough thing for everyone to do.

[1:01:27] And it wasn't an easy thing for me to do.

[1:01:30] And so I don't want to be like, this is all you have to do, just this thing.

[1:01:34] But the other thing is for people here, if there's someone who you know is having a hard time,

[1:01:42] then reach out to them.

[1:01:45] I don't want to make this further sadder,

[1:01:49] but there's one person that I won't get into in particular who there's a time in their life when I wish I had acted on my urge to reach out to them and didn't.

[1:01:59] And it's something that I've regretted for a long time since then.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:04] So it goes both ways.

[1:02:06] It's a two-race street.

[1:02:07] I've had a difficult time this year.

[1:02:14] And when I've felt darkest, it's been good to reach out to other people.

[1:02:20] And I just urge other people to do the same.

[1:02:25] And Archie does, too, apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] You can hear Archie in the background, but he had to chime in, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] Archie the scene stealer.

[1:02:32] But let's put that aside and move back to the regular nonsense, I think.

[1:02:43] With this next letter from Stephen James Arnett Esquire, who writes,

[1:02:48] Letter withheld.

[1:02:50] So.

[1:02:51] I see what you did there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:54] The classic bit, fire him.

[1:02:59] Make a fool of us, huh, Stephen?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:01] I was all prepared to make jokes and interrupt people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:04] I thought Dan was going to stumble and bumble over the words, and I could make fun of him.

[1:03:08] But no, there were none.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:10] Well, there will be a lot of words to stumble over in this next letter.

[1:03:14] What about bumble over?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] Which comes.

[1:03:16] And you'll feel very humble over it.

[1:03:18] From Martin, last name withheld.

[1:03:20] Oh, the TV show Martin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:23] His last name's Lawrence.

[1:03:24] Who writes his wife, Tisha Campbell.

[1:03:27] He's a bad boy.

[1:03:29] A bad boy, too, if you will.

[1:03:31] He writes, as well.

[1:03:33] Nothing but trouble.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:34] No, wait.

[1:03:34] Nothing to lose.

[1:03:36] Nothing but trouble's a different movie.

[1:03:38] From the pages of a failed novel about the Flophouse Whaler Company operating out of Nantucket

[1:03:42] during a few unsuccessful months in the summer of 1839, or, as it was known at the time, Whale View, USA.

[1:03:50] You'll have a whale of a time.

[1:03:52] Aboard the ship, the wives' buttocks, first mate Elliot Wichalian was standing amid ships, scanning the horizon.

[1:04:03] We've not seen a whale since Six Bells, and the crew is growing weary.

[1:04:06] His squeaky, know-it-all voice carried far over the waves.

[1:04:09] That's very important information.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:11] I mean, that's something you would want to know.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:13] And he was right.

[1:04:15] Even though the Six Bells was just like a few hours ago, the crew was indeed growing weary,

[1:04:19] but more so with the gravity of their mission than a lack of large sea-dwelling mammals.

[1:04:24] For they were not just in search of whale oil to power lamps in San Francisco's red light district.

[1:04:29] They were out in search of the whale that hurt the knee of their unexciting captain.

[1:04:32] It was not broken off or anything, but it was still a jarring memory for the poor man.

[1:04:36] And who asked him if he was getting better?

[1:04:38] Nobody.

[1:04:39] Captain Dan Daniels McCoy was distraught, and it had now taken the form of minor sad annoyance.

[1:04:45] Ugh, he said.

[1:04:47] At this point, I don't really care.

[1:04:49] I already lost my knee to one of these animals.

[1:04:51] Why were we even going on?

[1:04:53] You didn't really lose it, right, said Elliot?

[1:04:55] I mean, it's right there, as he pointed to the functioning, albeit once damaged knee.

[1:04:59] Shut up, nerds.

[1:05:00] A whale has been attracted by Elliot's high-pitched voice, came a voice from the crow's nest.

[1:05:05] It was Stuart Wellington, known as Stuart, There She Blows.

[1:05:10] There he yelled down, giggling at the end of the...

[1:05:13] Wait, hold on.

[1:05:15] Are you okay?

[1:05:16] It was Stuart Wellington, known as Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:19] Oh, okay.

[1:05:20] There She Blows.

[1:05:21] And then you saw a period, meaning end of sentence, take a breath.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:24] Well...

[1:05:25] But you thought it was, what, like a bug or something?

[1:05:27] No, I thought it was like a positive.

[1:05:28] Stuart, There She Blows, Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:30] No, no, I thought, yeah, but usually there's punctuation that helps you to avoid problems like that.

[1:05:33] Okay.

[1:05:35] He yelled down...

[1:05:35] Oh, I see a crumb from an Oreo.

[1:05:37] Oh, no, wait, it's a period.

[1:05:38] Yeah.

[1:05:39] There She Blows, he yelled down, giggling.

[1:05:41] Shouldn't be eating Oreos all over my story.

[1:05:43] I mean, I didn't...

[1:05:44] I don't know why there'd be just a...

[1:05:46] I haven't eaten an Oreo in 20 days.

[1:05:48] ...perfectly circular black dot here.

[1:05:51] But I assume it's a mistake, and I'll continue on with the thought.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:55] There She Blows, he yelled down, giggling at the innuendo.

[1:05:58] Dan would have lit up had he been able to feel anything at that point.

[1:06:01] Huh, he said with a shrug.

[1:06:03] Well, I guess we've come this far.

[1:06:05] Launch the boats, guys.

[1:06:07] The long boats were hoisted down into the water, and a ragtag crew of interesting but blurry characters set out.

[1:06:14] The majestic giant didn't have any of it, though, and slammed on, threshed at the boats encroaching upon it, sensing its own mortality.

[1:06:21] Fuck off, said Stuart, after taking a sip of his beer in his relaxed position at the stern of the fastest boat.

[1:06:27] His oarsmen being the fiercest, when they saw it was a sperm whale, they had another fit of giggles, and someone yelled, blow me, for no reason.

[1:06:37] The whales started to sing, making most of the rowers in the boats think they were in a yoga studio or something, and they started to relax.

[1:06:45] Fuck off, said Stuart again, and took one of their oars, and rowing at double speed, without even spilling a single drop of his brewski.

[1:06:53] Dan tried to throw his harpoon, but missed doing...

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:57] Take your time.

[1:07:00] I know you're excited by the action.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:02] Those aren't Oreo crones.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:04] No, that's telling you, hey, give your tongue a break.

[1:07:08] Think about it this way.

[1:07:09] Every time you see, like, a little dot of ink after a bunch of words, that is the writer telling you, time for your tongue's cigarette break.

[1:07:18] Take a couple seconds.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:19] Dan tried to throw his harpoon, but missed, due to being too boring.

[1:07:26] And his completely healed knee injury still hurting him.

[1:07:31] Elliot tried, but his constitution was not enough to pierce the layers of fat which guard the skin of any sea mammal.

[1:07:37] That whale, or indeed this entire ocean, must be made up of some kind of non-Euclidean geometry, said Elliot.

[1:07:44] Finally, Stuart lugged his flask of whaler's grog into the whale's blowhole, effectively blocking it and inebriating the whale at the same time.

[1:07:52] We did it, he shouted happily.

[1:07:54] Rawr rawr, called the call of their sea cat.

[1:07:56] A type of cat-like fish.

[1:07:58] It was known as the Flophouse Catfish.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:01] I love that there is a thing called a catfish.

[1:08:04] But he's introduced a sea cat.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:06] At that point, their pointless caption was too distracted to care about anything anymore, though, and took a nap instead of revenge.

[1:08:13] The rest of their crew was too busy getting drunk and saying words that sounded like other words.

[1:08:17] The drunk whalefish drifted off into the sunset.

[1:08:19] Whalefish?

[1:08:20] And the drunken whalers drifted back into the legends they came from.

[1:08:24] And that's how the first whale got drunk.

[1:08:26] And laughs were had by all.

[1:08:28] And now you know the rest of the story.

[1:08:31] Says Martin, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:33] Now, I don't understand why Rudyard Kipling cut that from the Just So Stories.

[1:08:37] Seems like it fits perfectly.

[1:08:39] Lovely adventure we had.

[1:08:41] That was.

[1:08:43] Everyone took their licks on that one.

[1:08:45] You know what?

[1:08:46] None of us came out unscathed.

[1:08:48] But I think the one who was the most scathed was Dan.

[1:08:50] So Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:51] Yeah, did you not pre-read that?

[1:08:52] Because I was both reading the story and I took scathing from you guys.

[1:08:55] Yeah, did you not screen that letter?

[1:08:58] That's right.

[1:08:59] Okay.

[1:09:00] I just.

[1:09:00] Yeah.

[1:09:01] You're like, this is a long one.

[1:09:02] This will eat up a bunch of minutes.

[1:09:03] That guy won a make-a-wish contest.

[1:09:06] And the wish was to write a letter into the flop house.

[1:09:09] I mean, just to write a letter is a wish that he doesn't need an organization to help him with.

[1:09:12] He's not that bright.

[1:09:14] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:15] Well, thanks everybody for writing in.

[1:09:19] Thanks for the gifts.

[1:09:21] Thanks for the gifts.

[1:09:24] That was a rollercoaster ride of a gift and letter segment.

[1:09:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:28] A lot of emotions, yeah.

[1:09:29] Yeah.

[1:09:30] But now.

[1:09:31] What's the next part, Dan?

[1:09:32] It's time for our final segment.

[1:09:34] When does this purgatory end, Dan?

[1:09:35] Yep.

[1:09:35] Of the episode.

[1:09:37] And that is where we recommend movies that we actually liked.

[1:09:40] Will I dream when this is over, Elliot?

[1:09:43] Only of Jeff Bridges.

[1:09:45] Oh, lovely.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:46] But he's going to be kissing you.

[1:09:47] Oh, okay.

[1:09:48] So I don't want to burn those bridges.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:50] No.

[1:09:51] Don't burn them.

[1:09:51] Bo Bridges.

[1:09:53] Bo Bridges is there too, but he just likes to watch his own movies, starting with The Landlord.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:59] So what do we do now, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:01] I told you already.

[1:10:02] We recommend movies that we like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:04] That I like, Seven Sun.

[1:10:05] Recommend movies that we like.

[1:10:08] So after you've already watched Seven Sun and you want to watch something else, I'm going to recommend you fire up your movie player.

[1:10:14] And you check out a hot new little action joint titled Close Range.

[1:10:23] Now, Close Range is a micro-budget little action movie directed by Isaac Florentine starring one Scott Adkins.

[1:10:33] Not Scott Adsit, like Elliot was about to say.

[1:10:36] You got me.

[1:10:37] No, I'm talking about the star of Ninja 2, Shadow of a Tear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:41] We work together so much, it's like we finish each other's...

[1:10:46] Hamburgers.

[1:10:47] Did you finish my hamburger?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:49] I did.

[1:10:49] Why did you leave it out?

[1:10:50] You told me a Gremlins took it.

[1:10:53] A Gremlins?

[1:10:54] Yeah.

[1:10:55] You told me a Gremlins, the film, took it.

[1:10:58] Yep.

[1:10:59] A gypsy cursed a Gremlins DVD box to spring to life and steal hamburgers.

[1:11:06] They prefer not to be called gypsies.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:07] Okay, I'm sorry.

[1:11:08] That movie Stealing Hamburgers is so sad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:10] You know, we're all steel hamburgers.

[1:11:12] Everybody wants a hamburger scene from...

[1:11:16] I don't know.

[1:11:17] Is that what a robot would eat?

[1:11:19] A steel hamburger?

[1:11:20] Yeah, that's right.

[1:11:23] So, Close Range stars Scott Adkins.

[1:11:26] Scott Adsit.

[1:11:27] Scott Adsit.

[1:11:28] And it is basically a western that has been adapted to the modern day with a drug cartel that has kidnapped a girl.

[1:11:38] That girl gets saved by a drifter who turns out to be that girl's uncle.

[1:11:45] And then they come after her and the uncle because he has a flash drive on the keys that he used to release her from her bonds.

[1:11:53] Now, Scott Adkins.

[1:11:55] Basically, this is a super cheapo, low-budget movie.

[1:12:00] But all the money is on the action scenes.

[1:12:03] The action choreography is super great.

[1:12:06] They go way out of their way to introduce these cartel bad guys, including giving about a dozen guys, like, a title card.

[1:12:15] So you're like, oh, wow, that guy's named Lobo.

[1:12:17] That guy's named Javier.

[1:12:19] Like, all these cool dudes.

[1:12:20] And in my head, I'm like, I don't know why they're taking all this time.

[1:12:23] Scott Adkins is just going to destroy them all.

[1:12:25] And he totally does.

[1:12:27] He annihilates all of them.

[1:12:29] The two best scenes I'm briefly going to touch on.

[1:12:32] One is the moment when Scott Adkins, drifter, gets cornered by a corrupt cop.

[1:12:39] And then they, in turn, both get cornered by some cartel guys.

[1:12:44] And the cops are like, are those some friends of yours?

[1:12:47] And Scott Adkins, with no comedic timing, says, I ain't got no fucking friends.

[1:12:52] Which is great.

[1:12:54] And then at the end of the movie, he does, while fighting a guy, kill a guy by stabbing him in the taint.

[1:12:59] What?

[1:13:01] So go watch it.

[1:13:02] Close range.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:03] I mean, you've got to watch it before it wins all the Oscars.

[1:13:06] Exactly.

[1:13:08] I want to recommend a movie called Diary of a Teenage Girl, which was based on.

[1:13:14] It's a Tyler Perry movie, right?

[1:13:16] That's right.

[1:13:17] It was based on some cartoons by, some semi-autobiographical cartoons by Phoebe Gluckner.

[1:13:23] And it's a little, it's a little difficult.

[1:13:29] A little bit country?

[1:13:30] It's a little, it's a little rough.

[1:13:32] I mean, it's about a relationship largely.

[1:13:36] I asked, my dog saw it, and I asked him how it was, and he said, rough.

[1:13:39] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:41] That joke courtesy of first grade.

[1:13:44] In large part.

[1:13:45] It's weird, because Rolf can talk quite a bit.

[1:13:47] No, Rolf said it was rough.

[1:13:48] It was very rough.

[1:13:49] It was difficult to sit through at times, but worth it.

[1:13:52] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:52] Then he played the piano.

[1:13:54] The big part of the movie is about the relationship between this underage girl and her mother's boyfriend.

[1:14:03] And it's a tough movie because it does not shy away from the fact that this man is a predator in a lot of ways.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:14] Like an alien who hunts down mercenaries?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:17] This is not the point of the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:21] Their species name is pronounced Yautia.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:24] That he is.

[1:14:26] That he is preying on her.

[1:14:28] This is an inappropriate relationship, and it's wrong for me to do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:31] But it also does not shy away from the degree to which she, as someone who is desperate for affection, perhaps wrongly welcomes this attention from a predator.

[1:14:48] But it's an interesting movie about this young girl's budding sexuality and the places it leads her.

[1:14:57] And it is ultimately sort of inspiring, like what she learns from everything that happens.

[1:15:04] And the fact that she's able to translate it through her artwork.

[1:15:10] And it's got great performances from all of the primary cast members.

[1:15:16] And it's just, I got a lot of screeners, you know, from the Writers Guild.

[1:15:26] And this was, I think, the one that I liked the most of all of the quote-unquote awards movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:34] More than Furious 7.

[1:15:35] Yeah.

[1:15:36] Which we also were sent to screen for.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:37] Yeah.

[1:15:38] That and Jurassic World were the most baffling screeners we had.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:41] I'm going to say, I'm really glad that you managed to slip a little bit of humblebrag in there, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:45] No, it was not a humblebrag.

[1:15:47] It was just...

[1:15:48] You know, as someone who helps decide the very prestigious Writers Guild.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:50] Honestly, like, the reason I slipped that in was, like, I got a lot of movies that I thought I was going to like a lot more than I did.

[1:15:59] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:59] And this year, I wasn't...

[1:16:01] Like Furious 7.

[1:16:01] I was not impressed by a lot of the movies that were supposed to impress me.

[1:16:05] Yeah, it was a disappointing year.

[1:16:06] But Diary of a Teenage Girl, I liked a lot.

[1:16:10] So that's my recommendation.

[1:16:13] So Dan says, read a teenage girl's diary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:17] Just break into her room.

[1:16:19] I'm going to recommend a movie that I still haven't seen, that movie Selma, that people liked.

[1:16:25] But I watched a different movie.

[1:16:26] I mean, a lot of people liked it.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:27] But I watched A Fish Called Selma, the Simpsons episode.

[1:16:30] Yeah.

[1:16:31] But I watched a different movie by the same...

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:34] It's a great Phil Hartman episode.

[1:16:35] By the same director, Ava DuVernay.

[1:16:39] Her earlier film, Middle of Nowhere, which is about a woman who is a med student, but her education and kind of her life have fallen apart because her husband is in jail.

[1:16:51] And this has kind of taken over her life, the process of trying to see him in jail, trying to get him out of jail.

[1:16:58] And the fact that he is not particularly cooperative in these things and that his being there brings the worst out of him.

[1:17:06] And she begins a possible relationship with a bus driver, played by David Oyelow.

[1:17:13] And...

[1:17:14] Oh, great.

[1:17:15] And he's really good in it.

[1:17:16] And it was just like...

[1:17:18] But at the same time, she's dealing with issues with her mother.

[1:17:22] And there's a feeling of people trying not to make the mistakes they've seen others make or have made themselves or seeing others make in front of them.

[1:17:32] But being unable to figure out how to avoid making those mistakes.

[1:17:36] And I just found it to be a really good, touching movie.

[1:17:40] Good.

[1:17:41] It's called Middle of Nowhere.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:42] Three very similar recommendations.

[1:17:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:46] I mean, in all of them, somebody is killed by being stabbed in the taint.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:49] Yep.

[1:17:49] The great thing, I don't know why I liked it so much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:52] I know why you liked it so much.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:54] Wait, let me...

[1:17:55] Okay.

[1:17:57] Now that I've composed myself.

[1:17:59] So after the guy gets stabbed in the taint and his lifeless body falls to the ground, you know, at some point to be interred in the ground.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:08] As dust to dust, you know, where we are but ashes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:11] Yeah.

[1:18:12] But when he falls down to the ground, you can actually see that his jeans, like, they made the trouble, like, tearing his jeans open in the crotch.

[1:18:19] And I'm like, that's some good costuming work.

[1:18:22] A lesser movie would just put a red stain on his jeans, but they're like, nope, we want to rip the jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:28] You know what?

[1:18:29] I know this is a low-budget film, but we can afford the $10 for another pair of pants.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:34] Those are Costco jeans, Elliot.

[1:18:36] They're like $15.

[1:18:38] Oh, sorry.

[1:18:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:40] $50.

[1:18:40] No craft services today, everybody.

[1:18:42] Give me back your bagels.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:44] I said $15.

[1:18:46] Yeah.

[1:18:47] Oh.

[1:18:47] I thought you said $50.

[1:18:49] No, no, $15.

[1:18:50] I'm like, those aren't Levi's jeans, Elliot.

[1:18:51] Those aren't bootcut Levi's jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:53] These are not diesel jeans.

[1:18:55] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:56] They still make diesel jeans?

[1:18:58] They still advertise them.

[1:18:59] Okay.

[1:19:00] Vin Diesel jeans.

[1:19:01] Sure.

[1:19:02] If you're going to be witch hunting, street racing.

[1:19:06] Pitch darken.

[1:19:07] Triple X-ing.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:09] Being sad about Paul Walker.

[1:19:11] Street.

[1:19:12] Why would you go there?

[1:19:14] Everybody is.

[1:19:14] Why would you go there?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:16] Well, we're talking about his many roles, and you've got to bring in something real.

[1:19:20] Street sharking, like in that video.

[1:19:22] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:23] Shark streeting.

[1:19:24] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:25] Dragon dungeoning.

[1:19:27] Witch hunting.

[1:19:28] That was the first thing he said.

[1:19:30] I'm sorry.

[1:19:30] It was the first one.

[1:19:31] Well, I think it brings us all the way back around.

[1:19:33] It's like an herb burrows.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:34] Look, I wasn't paying attention because it was nonsense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:37] Yeah.

[1:19:38] Oh, good point.

[1:19:38] That's a very good point.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:40] Basically, the podcast.

[1:19:41] I just wanted to say.

[1:19:44] This has been a rare episode of the podcast.

[1:19:47] An emotional roller coaster of an episode.

[1:19:50] An episode where we all liked the movie for once.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:53] Which meant we didn't have much to say about it.

[1:19:55] Which is good.

[1:19:55] So we dedicated our time to unwrapping gifts.

[1:19:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:58] I hope you enjoyed this gift-receiving podcast.

[1:20:01] You enjoyed this unboxing.

[1:20:03] Here on the box house.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:04] You can only, yeah, just picture in your head Elliot tearing into that paper with childlike glee.

[1:20:10] While a cat continues to try to jump on me and I bat it away with my fists.

[1:20:16] Well, your only defense is throwing that paper on the ground so the cat can make a weird nest out of it.

[1:20:23] Which it did.

[1:20:24] Yeah.

[1:20:24] And that was adorable.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:25] Raised its babies.

[1:20:27] Yeah.

[1:20:28] So what do we do now in the podcast, Dan?

[1:20:29] Now we sign off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:30] So now we tell, what do we, we answer letters?

[1:20:33] No, we did that already.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:34] Before we sign off real quick, I'd just like to promote a little thing.

[1:20:38] Called love.

[1:20:39] It's the fifth element.

[1:20:40] It's a crazy little thing.

[1:20:43] I'm addicted to it.

[1:20:44] You can't buy me that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:45] You might as well face it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:48] Do not buy it for me.

[1:20:49] I refuse.

[1:20:50] There's a book of it, but nobody knows who wrote it.

[1:20:53] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:54] You can eat, you can pray, and you can do this thing.

[1:20:58] Yeah.

[1:21:00] There's a potion for it?

[1:21:02] This is like Jeopardy questions for the love category.

[1:21:04] A ninth potion?

[1:21:08] Potions one through eight.

[1:21:09] Do not drink them.

[1:21:10] They will turn you into a total hide.

[1:21:12] Now, what do you want to promote?

[1:21:14] Oh, I just want to promote, in addition to doing this lovely podcast, I also do another

[1:21:18] edition of a lovely podcast.

[1:21:19] That's what this is all about?

[1:21:21] I haven't done this before.

[1:21:23] So I've been doing a little podcast called Till Death Do Us Party.

[1:21:27] I'm not going to explain how to spell that.

[1:21:29] No, it's spelled in the stupidest way you can imagine.

[1:21:31] You better know how to explain how to spell it because it's a research for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:33] It took me so long.

[1:21:34] I like stared at the fucking title for so long before I understood the pun behind it.

[1:21:39] Yeah.

[1:21:40] It's a deaf leopard podcast.

[1:21:41] So, Till Death Do Us Party.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:47] So it's spelled T-I-L-L space D-E-F space D-O space U-S.

[1:21:56] Not the United States, but just U-S.

[1:21:58] Yeah, just the word us.

[1:22:00] Space P-P-A-R-D-Y.

[1:22:03] Till Death Do Us Party.

[1:22:04] The dumbest way you could possibly spell anything.

[1:22:06] If you Google, if you put into iTunes podcast search T-I-L-L space D-E-F, it's the first

[1:22:13] thing that pops up.

[1:22:15] Go fucking figure.

[1:22:16] So it's an educational podcast about the band Def Leppard.

[1:22:21] Yeah, it's primarily an educational podcast.

[1:22:24] It's for the kids.

[1:22:27] Alexander Smith and I have been going through the Def Leppard discography and have been exploring

[1:22:33] all of the kind of strange themes that are present in all the music of Def Leppard.

[1:22:40] Check it out.

[1:22:41] All right.

[1:22:42] That ends the housework section of this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:45] And I'd like to promote.

[1:22:47] Oh, housework back on.

[1:22:48] Just, you know.

[1:22:50] Love.

[1:22:51] Yeah, loving somebody.

[1:22:53] Oh, sure.

[1:22:53] Just feel love.

[1:22:55] Express love within reason and within boundaries.

[1:22:58] Love responsibly.

[1:22:59] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:00] All right.

[1:23:01] Well, thank you for that.

[1:23:03] Now we can do our favorite part of the podcast, which is signing up.

[1:23:06] Letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:08] Sure.

[1:23:08] Summary of movie.

[1:23:10] Now, tonight we watched Seventh Son.

[1:23:12] This is the story of Seventh Son.

[1:23:13] We're doing better this time.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:15] I have been Dan McCoy.

[1:23:17] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:23:19] At this point, I don't even know if I'm Elliot Kalen anymore.

[1:23:21] Good night, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:26] Podcast-o-matic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:28] Just pop the podcast in the podcast-o-matic.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:33] Sitting on new chairs tonight.

[1:23:36] Oh, yeah.

[1:23:36] Say it.

[1:23:37] Not like chumps.

[1:23:38] I feel like I have to slouch more than no one.

[1:23:40] I'm holding chairs like assholes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:43] Not anymore.

[1:23:44] These chairs don't fold.

[1:23:46] Yeah, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:50] I don't know if I like this escalating battle of rules control of Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[1:23:55] I mean, it's clearly not us.

[1:23:56] Yeah, it's not us.

[1:23:57] We have control very little.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:00] That's the way it works.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:01] That's the way it works, Dan says.

[1:24:07] You wrote them.

[1:24:08] We read them.

[1:24:08] You wrote them.

[1:24:09] We read them.

[1:24:13] How does it work?

[1:24:14] Glad that you asked.

[1:24:16] As Dan said, I'll refer you to his comments.

[1:24:20] That's how it works.

[1:24:22] So, uh-huh.

[1:24:24] Then we write them.

[1:24:26] And then we read them.

[1:24:31] Then we write them.

[1:24:32] And then we read them.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:46] Letters is taped before a live studio audience of one cat.

[1:24:49] So, speaking of birthdays.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:51] Speaking of birthdays.

[1:24:53] Dan was talking about.

[1:24:55] You're born, and that's the day that you celebrate.

[1:25:01] Anything you need to know about how something works.

[1:25:04] Ask me, and I'll sing it to you.

[1:25:07] Unless it's really complicated.

[1:25:09] Made out of words that don't rhyme so well.

[1:25:11] In which case, don't know if I can help you so well.

[1:25:14] But I'll try.

[1:25:16] Till I die.

[1:25:18] So, it's from Noah.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:21] Now the breakdown part where you're spoken word.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:26] We're going to work it now.

[1:25:27] Tell you how it works with the last letter.

[1:25:30] We're going to work it now.

[1:25:32] Tell you how it works with the last letter.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:36] Maximum fun.

[1:25:37] Maximum fun.org.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:38] Comedy and culture.

[1:25:39] Artist owned.

[1:25:40] Listener supported.

[1:25:43] Podcasts.

[1:25:44] Podcasts.

[1:25:45] Podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:46] They're audio programs that tell smart stories.

S5

[1:25:49] In innovative ways.

[1:25:50] Using editing techniques like this.

[1:25:52] Like this.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:53] Like this.

[1:25:53] Yeah.

[1:25:54] Yeah.

[1:25:55] But let's face it.

[1:25:56] All that smart stuff can be exhausting.

[1:25:58] That's where stop podcasting yourself comes in.

[1:26:01] It's so stupid.

[1:26:02] It's just two stupid dinguses.

S5

[1:26:04] Being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:07] Stop podcasting yourself.

[1:26:09] The stupid show that smart people love.

[1:26:12] Find it on iTunes.

[1:26:12] Or MaximumFun.org.

Ep. #197 - Seventh Son

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