Ep. #198 - The Cobbler

[0:00] On this episode we watched The Cobbler, Storing, Shoes, and Other Shoes, Sandler, Sandals,

[0:14] Resort.

[0:41] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:43] I'm Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington, and I'm Elliot Kalin, rounding it out, all three

[0:51] of us, the Delightful Scamp, America's favorite rascal, Elliot Kalin, and we're your handlers.

[0:58] Yeah, I'm like, yeah, my handlers.

[1:00] That's why we're wearing these gloves.

[1:03] And that's why you have to lock me back up in a cage at the end of the night.

[1:06] And that's why I have to spray myself with Elliot urine.

[1:09] Just to get me interested in you.

[1:11] Just to get him interested in hanging out with me.

[1:14] Where do you get my urine again, by the way?

[1:16] I have to collect it from, I guess, like benches and trees from the area.

[1:23] That's where I put it.

[1:24] In little jars.

[1:25] Yeah, little apple juice, Mott's apple juice jars.

[1:29] Yeah, yeah, Mott's apple juice jars.

[1:31] And Modelo beer bottles.

[1:33] I mean...

[1:34] Oh, it tastes delicious.

[1:36] That's what Stuart's drinking out of.

[1:37] You can't see it.

[1:38] Yeah, imagine now Stuart's doing a spit-take.

[1:43] Patooey, patooey gross.

[1:46] We're done.

[1:47] Oh, and also his eyes popped out, and he may have turned into like a...

[1:50] Ah, his eyes popped out!

[1:51] He turned into like a steam whistle, and his hands turned into mallets.

[1:54] I'm bum-blind.

[1:55] It stretched out my optic nerves.

[1:56] And hit himself with the mallet really hard, because I guess he saw like a sexy lady or something.

[2:00] Now he's banging on the table.

[2:02] Yeah, my eyeballs are hanging out of my head.

[2:04] Somebody pull on my toenails real hard to pull them back in.

[2:08] That works.

[2:09] Cartoon biology.

[2:10] They teach you that in the cartoon medical schools.

[2:13] How to handle somebody's eyes popped out of their head, or they were flattened by something.

[2:17] Usually there's a lot of inflating or deflating.

[2:19] Yeah, or like how to unzip somebody's skin to just get their skeleton right out.

[2:22] Yeah, so you can set their bones and put them back in.

[2:27] Yeah.

[2:28] You gotta play their ribcage like a xylophone first.

[2:31] I went to a music conservatory to learn how to play...

[2:34] A cartoon music conservatory.

[2:35] Yeah.

[2:36] Human ribcage.

[2:37] I mean, it wouldn't surprise you to guess how many duck-bill refastenings we have to do back at the cartoon ER.

[2:43] Ducks get shot, blown up. Bill gets spun around. You gotta reattach it.

[2:47] The hard part is reattaching the bill to the throat.

[2:50] Okay.

[2:51] Takes a lot of clamps.

[2:52] Okay.

[2:53] That's how a bill becomes a law.

[2:55] Kids, it's all on the test. Remember it for later.

[2:59] So this podcast is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[3:04] Glad you took us back to first principles.

[3:07] Yeah.

[3:08] Well, some people might think it's a tautology.

[3:10] I think you just need to know...

[3:13] Tautology.

[3:14] Your ology is so taut, Dan. Have you been working out?

[3:17] Well, thank you.

[3:19] So yeah, so we do this podcast and we talk about movies.

[3:22] Just let that linger there.

[3:23] Just let that sink like a stone.

[3:25] A little pregnant pause.

[3:27] All over the bottom of the ocean.

[3:28] An aborted pregnancy.

[3:30] Don't like it. Don't like it at all.

[3:33] You know what, Dan?

[3:34] I'm going to let you keep going down the dead end that you're on.

[3:36] And Stuart and I can go down a different road.

[3:38] Vroom, vroom.

[3:39] Honk, honk.

[3:44] The car doesn't even have gas or wheels.

[3:49] Seems to be some kind of a TV box.

[3:53] Let me put another quarter in this so that it will vibrate around in front of the drugstore a little bit longer

[3:58] and keep Dan busy so he can get started on the podcast.

[4:01] Dan, and by that I mean Stuart.

[4:03] Yes?

[4:04] What was the movie we watched?

[4:05] We watched a movie called The Cobbler.

[4:07] Now a lot of people have been asking us to do this movie because they hate us.

[4:10] They know how much we love dessert.

[4:12] Yeah, yeah.

[4:13] Dan, what is a cobbler?

[4:14] You're a baker.

[4:15] It's kind of like a grunt.

[4:17] What does that mean?

[4:19] It's a little bit like a crisp.

[4:21] Okay. What's a grunt?

[4:22] A grunt is like...

[4:23] Like I'm familiar with the Brothers Grunts.

[4:25] They wore wingtips and just boxer shorts or board shorts

[4:29] and were a kind of bad way to set up a framework for music videos on MTV.

[4:33] A grunt is a cobbler that has basically biscuits on top of it.

[4:37] Okay. And what's a cobbler?

[4:39] Since you now explained a cobbler by comparing it to a grunt and a grunt by comparing it to a cobbler.

[4:43] When Goldenberry came to the door, it was as if an elf maiden had come to the door.

[4:47] A thing that has not shown up in this book yet.

[4:51] A cobbler is a fruit thing that has more of a...

[4:53] Fruit thing? So like fruit by the foot?

[4:55] A pastry top.

[4:56] Is it more like a gusher?

[4:58] A loose pastry top.

[4:59] Oh, tie that thing on or else...

[5:01] That pastry's going to lose its top and Willie Talsall's going to have to return it

[5:05] in The Great Cobbler Off-Road Adventure.

[5:07] Yeah.

[5:08] And a crisp, you know, has like oats...

[5:11] He's the bad guy from Kindergarten Cop.

[5:13] And sugar and butter all mixed together.

[5:15] He's the author of The Naked Civil Servant.

[5:17] So what's a cobbler?

[5:19] Because I talked through most of the explanation.

[5:21] So it's like a fruit snack.

[5:23] Yeah, it's like a fruit by the foot.

[5:25] That's what I said!

[5:28] Is it more like a gusher?

[5:30] It's one of them juicy frites.

[5:32] Juicy frites?

[5:34] Is that a fried juicy from France?

[5:38] I'll have a steak juicy frites.

[5:42] Now, can you roll it up?

[5:44] Because I love fruit in roll-up form.

[5:46] You could.

[5:47] You'd probably get your hands pretty messy though.

[5:49] Now, vis-a-vis Gert, does it go?

[5:53] Yeah, can you just take a cobbler on the go?

[5:55] Roll it up or something?

[5:57] I mean, you can take most things on the go.

[5:59] Not anvils.

[6:01] That's true.

[6:03] Not blue whales.

[6:05] Yeah, all right.

[6:07] I mean, I guess most things is probably...

[6:09] How many planets or stars can I take on the go?

[6:11] Answer all of them.

[6:13] They're always moving through space.

[6:15] There's almost an infinite number of things that cannot be taken on the go.

[6:17] Thank you.

[6:19] Speaking of things that don't really go,

[6:21] just kind of sit around and don't do a lot,

[6:23] The Cobbler, starring Adam Sandler.

[6:25] Currently nominated for a bunch of Oscars, right?

[6:27] For Spotlight?

[6:29] Or The Cobbler.

[6:31] For Best Cobbling.

[6:33] Tom McCarthy, whose work in the past I've enjoyed quite a lot.

[6:35] I liked Spotlight.

[6:37] He did Win-Win.

[6:39] Station Agent.

[6:41] I haven't seen that still.

[6:43] I liked The Visitor.

[6:45] I bumped into Tom McCarthy outside a screening of his Win-Win.

[6:47] He was about to come in and talk to people,

[6:49] and I had to go out early,

[6:51] but I was like, I gave one of those,

[6:54] Oh, as opposed to those I hated your movie thumbs-ups?

[6:56] Yeah, that's right.

[6:58] Where you just go, it sucked, and you put the thumbs up.

[7:00] So I've got fond feelings for this man,

[7:02] who put together not such a great movie.

[7:04] This movie not quite so good as the others

[7:06] in that it was not good.

[7:08] Let's talk about the basic premise.

[7:10] It's a bit of magical realism,

[7:12] rooted in, let's call it...

[7:14] It usually works in movie form.

[7:16] Almost always.

[7:18] And rooted in a very specific sort of...

[7:20] Plasma music.

[7:22] It's not Jewish folk mysticism,

[7:24] or magical realism.

[7:26] It's a fairy tale, if you will,

[7:28] with a heavy bed of plasma music

[7:30] that is at times almost indistinguishable,

[7:32] as Stuart pointed out,

[7:34] from Squirrel Nut Zippers music.

[7:36] There is a cobbler,

[7:38] played by Adam Sandler.

[7:40] He hates being a cobbler.

[7:42] Well, we start out in the past.

[7:44] It's the 1930s,

[7:46] and some evil land developer

[7:48] is trying to raise the rent

[7:51] and one of them says...

[7:53] So they have a breaking competition

[7:55] to keep the land developer at bay.

[7:57] I wish.

[7:59] In fact, actually, I don't wish.

[8:01] The last thing I need to see is,

[8:03] like, these Jews are going to start breakdancing.

[8:05] What? Cobbler.

[8:07] Come on.

[8:09] Yeah, they could just borrow a breakdancer's shoes.

[8:11] Oh, wait, we haven't even gotten to the magic shoes part of the story yet.

[8:13] But this establishes that there's a magic shoe machine,

[8:15] where if you...

[8:17] A Miami shoe machine.

[8:19] Gloria Estefan's shoe store,

[8:21] the Miami shoe machine,

[8:23] was not as successful.

[8:25] I'll tell you why.

[8:27] They kept wanting to turn the feet around.

[8:29] Oh.

[8:31] But that's not how feet work.

[8:33] They only point in one direction.

[8:35] And if you try to wear shoes that point the other direction,

[8:37] you will hurt your feet.

[8:39] Yeah, you'll fall over.

[8:41] So, there's a magic shoe machine...

[8:43] By the way, this whole time,

[8:45] Stuart's been playing with the cat

[8:47] toy from Stuart's hand.

[8:49] Just trying to keep Archie occupied.

[8:51] Just trying to keep it real.

[8:53] I don't think it's less distracting than Archie

[8:55] doing what Archie normally would do.

[8:57] Which is what? Like conga dance?

[8:59] That's right.

[9:01] That would be very distracting.

[9:03] Or just, like, hurl fish heads at us.

[9:05] That would also be distracting.

[9:07] Practice his Awesome Powers impression.

[9:09] You wanna make you horn him, meow meow,

[9:11] Archie Powers.

[9:13] Like, my wife, etc.

[9:16] How did Borat get in there?

[9:18] I don't know. I feel like Awesome Powers

[9:20] would probably be up for doing some Borat impressions.

[9:22] Groovy! Welcome to Jurassic Park!

[9:26] Archie, you're nuts.

[9:28] I mean, that movie predates Awesome Powers

[9:30] by a number of years.

[9:32] Yeah, so Awesome Powers would have seen it.

[9:34] They didn't cover every moment of the time that he spent

[9:36] in our future.

[9:38] There was a point when they thought about

[9:40] to stop Dr. Evil.

[9:42] At a certain point, he said,

[9:44] You gotta show it to me, baby.

[9:46] Uh-huh.

[9:48] My wife!

[9:50] You're not even married, and that movie doesn't exist yet.

[9:52] Play it, Sam.

[9:54] Do I make you horny?

[9:56] Well, you said the line correctly, so okay, that's fair.

[9:58] He didn't say play it again, Sam.

[10:00] Yep, he started saying my wife this guy calls up his cousin. He's like Sasha. It's your cousin

[10:07] Jamie Baron Cohen, you know that catchphrase you've been looking for well listen to this say it again Austin say what I don't

[10:15] Understand I'm not even trying to do an Austin Powers

[10:20] The idea of doing what is so so demeaning to me that I'm not even trying

[10:25] Do I make you horny yeah, baby, that's the new character Elliot Kalin the impressionist with too much self-respect

[10:34] Pretend I'm somebody else. I love me for me. Here's my Jimmy Carter. It's me the president Jimmy Carter. I've got lust in my heart

[10:42] Yeah, I mean, that's something you said in text to it and they're not you know

[10:46] Yeah

[10:49] So there's a magic shoe machine if you repair a pair of shoes with this machine and then

[10:57] Let me finish explaining with the magic shoe machine does it doesn't make shoes no, it's not magic

[11:02] It doesn't make magic shoes. It's a machine that makes magic shoes

[11:06] It's a machine that makes magic shoes

[11:08] Let me finish explaining with the magic shoe machine does it doesn't make shoes no, it's not magic

[11:13] It doesn't make magic shoes it but if you repair a pair of shoes with it and you put the shoes on

[11:19] You instantly become just an appearance and voice the person whose shoes they who they belong to who the shoes that belong to yeah

[11:26] Them at that exact moment in time you look like them and that's that and sound like you don't get you don't

[11:34] Apparently, yeah, it's not like a being John Malkovich where you get ported into that actual person you just become their exact clone

[11:41] Yeah, it's a real William Wilson type scenario. You can't maintain your own

[11:45] Consciousness and in fact, that's one of the failings of Adam Sandler's many plans to do that in this movie

[11:50] Is that he's an idiot and when he becomes someone else, he doesn't try to act like they would he just acts like himself or

[11:57] surprise

[12:00] What I'm pretending to be this person I can't believe what's happening

[12:04] Why are you treating me like this person that I'm pretending to be and who I look like now, okay

[12:09] Let's talk table in the beginning. So magic shoe machine Adam Sandler is

[12:14] Running this shoe store his fourth-generation cobbler. He doesn't like it

[12:17] He's on he's on like the Chinatown Lower East Side area of New York and he's supposed to just be like a depressed humble man

[12:24] But as we were saying before like the movie sort of overshoots and gets into like Forrest Gump territory

[12:30] He seems like he may have some sort of problem it both

[12:34] overshoots into possible mental difficulties area and also he's a

[12:39] Kind of with it withdrawn loner who is brought out of his shell though

[12:43] It happens, but he they go too far into almost like Travis Bickle territory where he's like a creepy guy

[12:48] Yeah, like a creepy awkward. Let me when we last caught up with our

[12:52] buddy

[12:53] Adam Sandler

[12:56] Yeah, the Sandman we entered Sandman. Yeah, that was in

[13:00] Men women and children, right? Yeah a movie that also it looked like he, you know rolled out of bed right into writing to start shooting

[13:07] Yeah, he doesn't shave for his movies. No, I mean, why would he it's cold outside?

[13:15] Very good point. I mean it is currently cold outside

[13:18] It actually looks quite warm in the movie even though he's always wearing a coat and scarf and here's the thing

[13:23] Here's a tip for anyone. I have a hook man

[13:26] Anyone's scarf anyone who gets a magic shoe machine that lets you become another person

[13:31] Don't wear the same coat and scarf you wear all the time

[13:33] Maybe how will the audience know it's you then cuz maybe they've been paying attention to the movie

[13:38] Yeah, it does feel like a weird like comic book II thing

[13:41] It's like the comic book character had this power there would be some indicator at all times whether they're using the thing

[13:46] Yeah, it is also a moment for the director to be like my audience is pretty stupid

[13:51] No, maybe you're not gonna be able to follow this. They're just gonna think we're following a random person around for some reason

[13:57] So give them a big like loose print tie that he wears around or scarf

[14:01] I mean or maybe maybe he's hoping that that like loose that coat and that

[14:05] Will be like an Easter egg that people will be like when they're super pumped about it. They just finished the movie

[14:10] They're like, let's start it back up again so I can see all the cool things that I've missed

[14:14] Oh, and they're watching it again. They're like, oh my god, that guy was wearing a tie

[14:17] He was a zombie the whole time

[14:19] And then more like they were hoping it would catch on and become like like there was the Annie Hall look there would be the cobbler

[14:25] Look, we're gonna be wearing a long coat long brown coat and a brightly colored scarf and people would be like, hey great

[14:32] Tom Baker costume. No, I'm the cobbler

[14:35] I'm the cobbler. Stop confusing me with the doctor. Mm-hmm

[14:40] Cuz I'll tell you this Tom McCarthy and I'm Sandler the coat with a colorful scarf look has already been taken. Mm-hmm

[14:46] You've been diagnosed with stealing intellectual property

[14:52] And you're going to hospital jail

[14:56] So he is unhappy he doesn't like it he is

[15:01] told that there's an old man who is the last

[15:04] Living person in his apartment building and is trying to be run out by evil developers who want to tear down the building and build

[15:10] A block of high-rise condos for the young rich people. I'm guessing

[15:15] He also works next door his name is Max

[15:17] This is we can call him Max

[15:19] He lives next door or works next door rather to Jimmy

[15:21] Play by Steve Buscemi who is a barber who loves pickles and has always given Max pickles to eat and advice and advice

[15:28] But mainly pickles and they have a close relationship their best friends longtime family friends

[15:33] Max lives in Sheepshead Bay with his mother his dad. They think is dead

[15:38] Yeah, and Max, how did he discover that the shoe machine? I guess his regular shoe machine breaks down

[15:43] Yeah, that man brings in a pair of shoes method man playing. Of course a college professor. No, just kidding

[15:49] he's playing some kind of drug dealing thug because of the two black characters in the movie one is a

[15:54] Criminal thug and the other is a kid who has made fun of for being fat. Yeah a number of times obese child. Yeah

[16:01] And so Adam Sandler's regular non-magical shoe machine breaks down

[16:06] So he decides to repair them with his antique shoe machine

[16:09] And then I guess he's just curious about shoes and wants to try them on because they're the same size he wears

[16:14] Yeah

[16:18] That's how he gets his elicit thrills I mean when you spend all day slaving over a hot pair of shoes

[16:24] Slip your dogs right in

[16:26] Yeah, now what he really needs and this would make his life a lot earlier is a staff of magical elves that do the work

[16:32] For him at night

[16:33] I mean the movie would be great if they had like magical elf characters or like a talking shoe machine

[16:39] Character if the shoes came to life and only he could hear them now, we're talking a great movie shoes have tongues use them to talk

[16:46] Mm-hmm, and then hey, let's go out. I think it'd be really good. Shut up. Shut up

[16:51] Did you just tell your shoes to shut up? No, no, no. No, I was I was telling you to shut up. Oh, yeah

[16:57] That's better. Well, you well, I never you just blew it buddy shoes. Did you just call me a stupid pair of shoes?

[17:12] If I was a pair of shoes, I would be stupid because I'm a great person. Thank you for the compliment

[17:17] Hey, I'll be your wingtip man. Shut up. Shut up. Did you tell me to shut up again? No, I swear

[17:24] I was talking to my shoes. Ah

[17:26] the cobbler rated R

[17:29] For extensive new

[17:32] Because he doesn't he spends a lot of time having sex with the shoes

[17:36] Did we describe what happens when he puts those shoes on when he puts the shoes on?

[17:40] He looks like the person who shoes they belong to I told that already and so you're probably thinking

[17:45] Oh, I can't wait to watch this movie because I'm gonna watch some really amazing

[17:49] CGI morphing effects no like from the movie sleepwalkers where Adam Sandler like shakes his head really fast

[17:55] He like yada yada yada

[17:59] No, no, they never just cuts away and then back. Yeah, it's it's the easiest and frankly better way

[18:06] But also if you're wondering does he then try on a whole bunch of shoes and in the process a little transphobic humor

[18:13] Yes, he does. Yeah, it is weird that those

[18:18] That pair of pumps that he he puts on the slow. I know those stiletto pumps

[18:23] It doesn't look like his shoe machine would I mean, I guess resold them. Yeah

[18:30] Yeah, Dan every shoe has a soul it's the plot of my new children's movie all shoes go to heaven it turns out people go

[18:36] To hell but shoes go to heaven but people abuse shoes day and night walking on them forcing them to slave away for nothing

[18:43] So we go to hell. It sounds pretty dark for a Pixar movie. Pixar loved it. Jimmy Pixar the head of Pixar

[18:49] He said it was the best movie they've made since Monsters University. Oh, wow

[18:55] Now I wow damning with faint praise. I would have liked it if when he was trying on a bunch of different shoes

[19:01] They did it in like a pretty woman montage style though where Steve Buscemi was like sitting there like giving a thumbs up

[19:07] Yeah, and walk like a man plays

[19:09] Yeah, or walk like an Egyptian and he's some ancient mummy shoes and turned into a walking on sunshine

[19:15] All right. I mean when it when he the walking things would would work

[19:20] These boots are made for walk. Perfect. Great. Perfect. Yeah, why they didn't play that when he put blue suede shoes. There you go

[19:27] It had to be shoe

[19:32] We're talking about that character for the gum strip shoe

[19:36] Irascible duck reporter

[19:40] Yep, when Adam Saylor takes him and stretches his little duck body around his feet

[19:51] His shoes are made out of his own body

[19:58] He's like why did somebody name

[20:00] me this

[20:02] so adam sandler puts on a bunch of shoes and he kind of

[20:06] what he now goes on a miniature crime spree

[20:08] where he's taking people's shoes and doing bad things with him he's

[20:11] he's dining and dashing food

[20:13] he's creepily stalking some people

[20:17] puts on the shoes of a handsome guy who lives near his his uh...

[20:20] store

[20:21] and played by the guest stan stevens and almost downtown abbey has sex under

[20:25] false pretenses yeah

[20:27] with the guy's girlfriend until he realizes he'd have to take his shoes off

[20:31] yeah she's inviting him

[20:33] she's nude she's inviting him she's in the shower she has an organic reason for being nude

[20:37] she's not just swanning around nude she invites him into the

[20:42] shower

[20:42] uh... and adam sandler seems like he's totally into going in there and boning her

[20:46] until he realizes that

[20:48] he has to take his shoes off to go into the shower and the movie does not treat

[20:52] this as if it was like a potential rape scene it treats it as if like

[20:57] oh this would have been ok except for he can't remove his shoes yeah it treats it like

[21:02] you're like

[21:02] oh yeah he's finally gonna get some oh wait a minute

[21:06] uh oh the shoes even though stupid shoe rules i mean the joke on him really is

[21:10] that she's totally turned on by shoes in the shower

[21:13] oh wow but what he doesn't know is that her boyfriend always keeps his shoes on

[21:17] when they have sex in the shower yeah that's why i had to get them re-soled

[21:20] yeah because they're constantly getting wet and like all gross from the shower

[21:24] mhm

[21:25] the fetish is that she's ruining these really nice shoes yeah because what's

[21:29] what's sexier than being able to just

[21:32] cast off luxury as if it didn't matter to you that's right it reminds me of the

[21:36] story in uh... when i was reading in

[21:38] when nathan raven wrote about that book

[21:40] uh...

[21:41] what like confessions of a video vixen or something like that it was one of those books

[21:45] was the book that uh... that

[21:46] that's the super groupie super head

[21:48] uh... what

[21:50] you're saying gibberish she talks about going on a date with fred durst

[21:54] where fred durst ordered five meals five dishes at a restaurant

[21:57] burp burp i killed them all burp

[22:00] no ate a little bit of some of them and then left and that she had like she was so

[22:04] turned on by his wasting of food because it showed how rich he was

[22:09] oh fred durst okay

[22:11] yeah not robert durst the wealthy murderer

[22:17] although he probably does order food and not finish it he's very skinny

[22:21] uh... succinct description of it like i'd like to think that he introduces himself that way

[22:25] hi i'm robert durst the wealthy murderer fred you've seen me in the jinx starring robert durst

[22:30] i am a very wealthy and i'm a murderer

[22:34] i am a fan of limp biscuit not a member

[22:39] many have made that mistake

[22:40] but i am the wealthy murderer

[22:44] i only kill people as opposed to the eardrums of millions as my half-brother

[22:49] fred durst

[22:53] as to the humorous will durst yes he is a cousin of mine

[22:58] as far as i know he has murdered nothing

[23:01] as for dust that is a thing that gets on items uh... it is small particles

[23:07] it has nothing to do with us it's what we'll return to someday you may be sooner

[23:11] because i'm about to murder you here's my card and it says robert durst murderer

[23:16] comma wealthy

[23:18] well yeah that's how you file it

[23:21] uh... so he wears those shoes in the shower i'm assuming because he has some

[23:26] kind of horrible foot fungus yeah and now adam sandler has it because he wore

[23:30] the shoes yeah but now that's the rules of the game

[23:33] uh... regulation

[23:35] he uh... thanks for translating that

[23:39] uh...

[23:40] the he now

[23:41] does his mother die before he also he uses the shoes to impersonate his long

[23:46] lost dad dustin hoffman

[23:48] and give his mother

[23:49] a night of

[23:51] romance that i hope that's that's that's like right after he almost

[23:56] rates that woman okay but he hasn't yet gotten into method man's apartment right

[24:00] yeah okay

[24:01] but that does cut away so we don't know i mean that he could have had sex with

[24:05] his mom

[24:06] so it's really weird his mom is clearly

[24:09] has dementia

[24:10] yeah there's a moment earlier on when adam sandler pulls a purse out of the

[24:14] microwave and it's played for laps is it was supposed to be like she didn't

[24:17] even start the microwave

[24:19] it's going to take forever to cook this is here that where's the baby

[24:23] the baby is like in the closet with the coats i guess

[24:27] and then there's some unpopped popcorn in the crib

[24:32] there's a what? they were supposed to cook the baby

[24:35] yeah because they're cannibals did we not mention that? originally it was called the cannibler

[24:41] so he shows up as his dad so he gives his mom a night of

[24:46] romance that's crazy involves them laughing joking we can only assume

[24:51] having sex because the next morning you're reading fucking select passages of Oedipus or something

[24:56] it's an old jewish couple so they're probably reading like neil simon plays

[25:00] to each other

[25:01] then uh... the next morning he wakes up to find his mother is passed in

[25:05] her sleep

[25:06] probably because

[25:07] her body couldn't handle the loving that he gave her the night before

[25:13] sweet bone-in ham

[25:15] it's got a maple glaze on it

[25:19] you have to make the choice at the deli counter whether you want the

[25:22] sweet bone-in or the hot bone-in

[25:26] sweet bone-in is better for old people because it's easier on their gums

[25:31] hot they can't quite handle the spice

[25:34] with their, you know, tender tummies. Yeah, because it turns their fucking eyes blue.

[25:41] An old person, you give them spice, they're not going to be able to bend to the universe to navigate. They're just going to get blue eyes and fall asleep.

[25:46] What, are they going to have to be fitted for a new still suit?

[25:49] Come on, they've already outgrown the last one.

[25:52] uh... Dan, these are Dune jokes.

[25:55] I just spaced out.

[25:57] just like in Dune, which is set in outer space

[26:01] on the planet Arrakis. So, Dunesbury is an adaptation of Dune, right?

[26:05] That's right. Is Zonker the one who smiles at spice? That's why everyone has all those crazy noses in it, because they're aliens.

[26:10] It's just weird, because they never mention, like, Arrakis, or the House Atreides, or anything else,

[26:15] and they talk a lot about modern-day politics. So, is it a prequel to Dune?

[26:19] uh...

[26:20] I would be able to say a lot more about this bit. Make up some stuff about sandworms.

[26:24] Maybe Uncle Duke is riding a sandworm.

[26:27] He manages to tame Shai-Haloo.

[26:31] He's floating around, like that guy does.

[26:33] Baron Harkonnen?

[26:35] I don't like his politics.

[26:38] That's my attempt at a Dunesbury joke.

[26:44] Now I want to see... OK, Flophouse fans, do it. A Dune-Dunesbury mashup,

[26:49] where it's Baron Harkonnen is giving a press conference, but there's a symbol to represent him.

[26:54] Like the floating feather was, uh...

[26:56] Was what, Dan Quayle?

[26:57] Yeah. And just, like, panels of text. It's all...

[27:02] Or, like, it's four panels of just the outside of Duke Leto's...

[27:09] Or, Leto? What was the Duke's name?

[27:10] Duke Leto Atreides.

[27:12] Just the four panels of the outside of Duke Leto's compound, with word balloons coming out of it,

[27:17] about current... You know, they were having trouble with the Freemen, and then a joke at the end.

[27:22] Morgan Freeman.

[27:25] So, back to...

[27:26] So, Cobbler. So, his mother dies, and he sits Shiva, and is very upset.

[27:31] He goes back to work after seven days of sitting Shiva. That's what you do.

[27:35] And, uh...

[27:37] Probably because he's hankering for a bite of pickles.

[27:40] Yeah, because there's pickles all over the place.

[27:42] Always walking around with pickles.

[27:44] Well, Jimmy, the barber, keeps giving him pickles.

[27:46] I know, but, like, as you were saying, you're wondering whether these are just loose pickles that he has in his pocket?

[27:51] There are scenes where he's walking... He's in the middle of a mission he's given himself,

[27:54] and he's walking down the street, just chomping on a pickle.

[27:56] It's like, does he just have a pickle pocket of pickles?

[27:59] Because a pickle pocket is something I wouldn't mind having.

[28:02] You line the inside of your pocket with, like, some kind of waterproof material.

[28:06] You can put wet pickles in there.

[28:07] Makes perfect sense.

[28:08] Keeps them from over-brining.

[28:09] So, like, a pocket protector, but a pickle protector.

[28:10] Now you're on the trolley. The pickle trolley.

[28:14] It's the best trolley, because it smells like pickles.

[28:16] Unfortunately, you're going to smell like pickles.

[28:17] So, Elliot, me and my buddy Mark Cuban have a TV show called Shark Tank.

[28:20] It's called Pickle Tank.

[28:22] We put you in a tank full of pickles, and you've got to not drown while eating as many

[28:26] pickles as you can.

[28:27] I don't know if you know this about Mark Cuban.

[28:28] He owns a basketball team.

[28:29] Most people just get desiccated from the salt, the moisture from their body.

[28:33] It's pretty gross.

[28:34] Every now and then, though, someone gets addicted.

[28:35] But don't worry.

[28:36] Drink all that pickle juice.

[28:37] We'll give them uncontrolled diarrhea.

[28:41] It's why...

[28:42] It's a reason why critics call it the worst show on television.

[28:45] This is literally torture, says the Justice Department.

[28:49] So he's upset, and Method Man comes in, and this is where the movie takes an abrupt turn

[28:54] from being about a sad loner who is...

[28:57] A plotless tale.

[28:58] A plotless tale about a sad loner, like, in theory, doing funny things with shoes.

[29:03] It takes a turn into becoming a crime, comedy, thriller, drama.

[29:08] They were like, hmm, let's try to make this more of a get shorty type film.

[29:14] Let's make this more of a, like, small-time crooks, which is a bad example because it's

[29:19] not very good.

[29:20] But, like, let's say, you know, like a crime comedy.

[29:22] You know what I'm talking about.

[29:23] A cromedy.

[29:24] They're known as cromedies because crom is in them.

[29:29] The god of the Sumerians.

[29:33] Now I want to see a Conan the Barbarian comedy.

[29:35] They call it cromedy.

[29:36] It's just basically an adaptation of Gru.

[29:39] I guess you're right.

[29:41] That is just Gru.

[29:42] I mean, Cerebus started as that, too.

[29:45] Yeah.

[29:46] Okay, good point.

[29:47] And then became a weird anti-woman scrooge.

[29:49] You got to understand women are terrible.

[29:52] According to Jameson.

[29:55] My favorite thing about him is when he would write essays about how women are evil.

[30:00] And he would quote the female characters from his stories as examples of why women are bad.

[30:05] And it's like, you can't do that, you invented that woman.

[30:08] By the end of it, you know, his assistant was drawing so much of it.

[30:12] And I wonder if, like, it was Gerhardt's?

[30:14] Well, he did the backgrounds, for sure, yeah.

[30:16] I wonder if there was a point at which where he was just like,

[30:18] uh, Dave, we talk about this.

[30:22] I'm through talking.

[30:23] I'm gonna get in a boxing match with Jeff Smith, who made Bone.

[30:27] Did you remember that?

[30:28] Yeah, I took, they never did it, right?

[30:30] He challenged him to it.

[30:30] Because it's super weird.

[30:31] And they both thought you of a bull.

[30:34] And yet Todd McFarlane and Peter David had their debate at Comic-Con years ago.

[30:39] What was their debate about?

[30:41] They just disagreed on a lot of stuff.

[30:42] I think Todd McFarlane showed up in a chicken costume.

[30:45] It was weird.

[30:46] And what's strange is they had worked together years earlier.

[30:48] You know, they should be friends.

[30:51] Sometimes when you reach a certain level of talent,

[30:53] you just can't get along with other people on that same high peak.

[30:58] That's why you gotta start a toy company.

[31:00] And buy Mark McGwire's rump ball.

[31:03] Or did you mean Peter David?

[31:04] I was talking about Peter David.

[31:05] Oh, never mind.

[31:07] So anyway, this is when it takes an abrupt turn into crime territory.

[31:10] Method Man comes in and he's very rude to Adam Sandler and demands his shoes.

[31:15] Now really, all that he does at this point to make us not like him is be insensitive

[31:19] about Adam Sandler's recent death in the family.

[31:21] That's a pretty, I don't know, he's such an asshole about Adam Sandler's mom dying.

[31:26] But does that deserve Adam Sandler then impersonating him

[31:30] and stealing from him and beating him up?

[31:34] We learn he's a bad guy.

[31:35] He's a horrible man.

[31:35] He's a criminal.

[31:36] He's a bad person and like a domestic abuser and stuff.

[31:39] But we don't know that about him.

[31:41] When he starts kicking over rocks, we find a bunch of worms.

[31:45] He's a real muckraker, yeah.

[31:47] Careful about what you put those shoes on.

[31:50] You may not like what you find out.

[31:52] It all depends on whether you think that the cobbler should be a source of vigilante justice.

[31:56] I don't.

[31:57] It doesn't matter what you like because that's what you get

[32:00] because he walks around with his bag of shoes that he changes repeatedly.

[32:03] To become new people.

[32:04] It's like it is the worst superhero power you could imagine

[32:08] that he has a bag of shoes that allow him to become different people.

[32:12] Including one guy who is clearly already dead

[32:15] because when he puts on his shoes, he looks like a zombie man and smells like one.

[32:20] Which makes us understand that at this point,

[32:22] if he puts on a dead person's shoes, he appears dead.

[32:26] Although he can move around and moan like a zombie.

[32:29] It's kind of crazy.

[32:30] Rigor mortis has not set in.

[32:32] That's the one flaw.

[32:35] He should be a dead guy.

[32:37] So he decides to spy on Method Man for a while

[32:41] and he finds out that he has got a lot of money and fancy watches in his apartment.

[32:47] I think he just wants to teach him a lesson and steal his watches.

[32:51] He's like, you'll never be able to tell time to make your appointments.

[32:55] You'll never know when the shoe repair shop is closing.

[33:00] He's trying to steal the watches so he can't come back the next day to beat him up

[33:04] because he won't wake up in time or something.

[33:07] His alarm on his fancy watch won't go off and he'll sleep forever.

[33:10] And then cut to it's 5,000 years in the future and he wakes up.

[33:14] He's got a giant long beard.

[33:18] He's like, I don't deserve the name Method Man anymore because I have no routines.

[33:21] And I'm just man now, the final man.

[33:28] There's a method to my man-ness.

[33:31] I don't think that we need to get into all the ins and outs.

[33:34] He finds out that Method Man is a criminal who works for the real estate person,

[33:40] played by Ellen Barkin, who is trying to kick out Mr. Solomon, the old man.

[33:46] Oh, and we forgot to mention that there's this woman

[33:49] that wants to keep the Lower East Side in the hands of small business owners.

[33:54] To keep it weird.

[33:56] She's kind of attainable.

[33:58] She is the love interest such as there is in the movie.

[34:03] In a movie that postulates that there is no possibility of love because

[34:07] the person you think is your lover could just be a stranger wearing their shoes.

[34:10] We all wear our shoes.

[34:12] Some are leather and some are canvas.

[34:15] Did you ever see the lover that wears shoes in your house?

[34:20] Thanks.

[34:21] We wear shoes sometimes outside.

[34:23] Usually not indoors.

[34:25] If we're in our own house.

[34:27] Shooley Joel.

[34:30] Billy Shule.

[34:31] Actually, Shuley Joel sounds better.

[34:34] Billy Shule is an Orthodox Jewish education.

[34:37] Yeah, but this woman is like, you know that she's like the romantic.

[34:41] I'm lacing up.

[34:44] Potentially romantically because she's the only one who treats Adam Sandler

[34:47] with any sort of interest, even though he seems like a real dim bulb.

[34:50] Yeah, she is capable of connecting to him on a human level,

[34:54] no matter how hard he tries not to.

[34:56] Well, she has just like this go, go, go lifestyle.

[34:59] Needs somebody like him to keep her grounded.

[35:01] Yeah, this go, go, go, charitable, small time activist lifestyle.

[35:08] Now, here's a question I have for you guys.

[35:10] Setting aside the plot, if you had magic shoes that let you be other people,

[35:13] what would you do with them?

[35:14] What would you do?

[35:16] Let me be Mark Summers for a moment and ask you, what would you do?

[35:20] I double dare you to answer this question.

[35:21] First off, you started answering your own question.

[35:25] I would ask Mark Summers to borrow his shoes so I could

[35:28] cobble them and then be Mark Summers for a day.

[35:31] Okay, so you'd be like what, going to double dare fan conventions?

[35:34] Of course I would, yeah.

[35:36] I would climb through that giant set of teeth and find the flag.

[35:41] He's allowed to do that, right?

[35:42] If you work there, you can go on all the physical challenges.

[35:46] It's the same way how if you were an ex-Senator,

[35:48] you still have permission to go on the floor of the Senate whenever you want.

[35:51] By go, I mean go to the bathroom.

[35:54] While you're a Senator, you can't do it.

[35:55] Once you've left the Senate, you can come back and use the Senate floor as your toilet.

[35:58] Dan, what would you do?

[35:59] Wouldn't you want to be a lady?

[36:00] You sounded like Andy Rooney for a moment.

[36:04] Okay, explain.

[36:04] Wouldn't you want to see, just to see what that's like.

[36:07] The one time that it comes close to that is the aforementioned offensive trans humor

[36:13] because he puts on shoes that turn out to be not ladies' shoes, but of this...

[36:20] Either transgender or cross-dressing individual.

[36:23] Well, he seemed to have breasts, so it seemed like he was...

[36:27] I don't know, let's...

[36:28] Who knows?

[36:29] Look, there's no figuring out the puzzles and enigmas of the cobbler.

[36:33] So you would put on a lady's shoes, and then what would you do?

[36:35] I don't know, just see what that was like, man.

[36:38] Haven't you ever wondered?

[36:40] I guess so.

[36:41] Yeah, I mean, that makes sense, Dan.

[36:43] That's not weird.

[36:43] That's a real walk a mile in their shoes.

[36:45] I kind of get a feeling you're not leaving the house after you put those ladies' shoes on.

[36:49] Look, I'm not saying that I might not take a peek.

[36:54] Take a peek?

[36:56] But yeah, it's a rare opportunity, you know?

[37:00] That's true.

[37:01] The sad thing, though, is that because your feet would be in the shoes,

[37:04] and if you took the shoes off, you'd revert back to normal.

[37:07] Dan, you couldn't entertain that foot fetish that Dan has.

[37:13] Yeah.

[37:13] I mean, not with his own feet, anyway.

[37:15] No, of course not.

[37:16] No, just the feet of his victims.

[37:18] And yes, I said feet, and I didn't mean achievements.

[37:22] So...

[37:22] Okay, so this got pretty weird.

[37:23] We got Mark Summers, we got a lady, and then what would Elliot be?

[37:27] I actually had no answer for that.

[37:29] I kind of...

[37:30] I think...

[37:33] I don't know.

[37:34] Just somebody.

[37:34] Somebody else.

[37:35] Yeah, I guess lady makes sense.

[37:37] You get a different perspective for the day.

[37:39] The problem is, you'd have to find somebody whose shoes are the same size as yours.

[37:42] I wear the same size as my wife.

[37:45] Problem solved.

[37:46] Okay, so you...

[37:47] I mean...

[37:47] I mean, the thing is, I put on my wife's shoes all the time when I'm too lazy to put on my shoes

[37:51] to go take the garbage out.

[37:53] So, like, I would constantly...

[37:54] You call her shoes garbage shoes.

[37:56] Well, no, it's because she has a pair of boots I can slip on that are next to the door,

[38:00] because they're rain boots, and I don't have to lace up my shoes.

[38:03] This is the most adorable story in the world.

[38:04] I would be constantly turning into my wife just to take the garbage out,

[38:07] and my neighbors would be like,

[38:08] oh, Danielle, we saw you taking the garbage out yesterday.

[38:11] And she'd be like, I didn't do that.

[38:12] Elliot took the garbage out.

[38:13] How dare you?

[38:14] Your husband is so lazy.

[38:16] He makes you take your garbage out all the time.

[38:18] And she'd say, I know, I know.

[38:20] So do you guys go on Zappos and pick out shoes together?

[38:24] No, we don't.

[38:25] It's like, I think I'm going to get these shoes,

[38:26] and you're like, I don't think they look that good on me.

[38:28] No, we don't share shoes that way.

[38:32] We should, though.

[38:32] Save us money.

[38:33] You certainly could, yeah.

[38:34] I mean, if only one of us left the house at a time,

[38:36] we'd only need one pair of shoes.

[38:37] Exactly.

[38:39] Think of all the money, all the tens of hundreds.

[38:44] Well, that's the thing.

[38:44] That's like you're basically throwing money away.

[38:47] It's like we're throwing money in the trash

[38:49] that I'm taking out when I put my wife's rain boots on.

[38:53] So if I could put on my son's shoes and see what life is like as a toddler,

[38:59] I would do that.

[39:00] Because I'm curious about, I can't,

[39:01] because he doesn't wear size men's eight and a half shoes.

[39:07] And he puts on my shoes all the time and does not turn into me.

[39:11] Because you don't have a magic cobbling machine.

[39:13] No, but it would be curious to see how your mind works at that age,

[39:17] which is something I've forgotten.

[39:18] But that's not what happens when you put on the shoes.

[39:20] It's not like his brain chemistry alters.

[39:25] He's not limitless-ing.

[39:27] I kind of want to zoom through the plot mechanics of the crime story

[39:30] to get to the really goofy stuff at the end.

[39:32] OK, so he finds out that this guy is a crime boss for,

[39:36] or is a thug for this crime boss, played by Alan Barkin,

[39:39] who is trying to get Mr. Solomon, the old man, out of his building.

[39:43] He comes back and accidentally gets into a fight with Method Man,

[39:46] accidentally kills him by stabbing him in the throat with those stiletto shoes.

[39:50] Tells the cops that he did it, and the cops don't believe him.

[39:56] They think he's crazy.

[39:58] Like, oh yeah, magic shoes.

[39:59] One more thing.

[40:00] One more thing. Magic shoes don't exist. Can you explain that?

[40:03] No, I can't. Okay, that's right. That makes sense.

[40:07] Magic shoes. That's right. That's right. That makes sense.

[40:10] Just one more question. Why are you wasting my time?

[40:13] And he finds that he has an elaborate plan that he puts together

[40:18] with the shoes to get...

[40:20] He suddenly becomes like a fucking super genius on this shoe.

[40:23] Who can figure out a whole con to use the shoes to have a New York One reporter

[40:28] catch Ellen Barkin on tape threatening the old man?

[40:31] And then do we just skip ahead to the reveal?

[40:33] Yeah, skip ahead to the real reveal.

[40:34] And then it reveals at the end that someone's been helping him out and he doesn't know how.

[40:37] The reveal at the end, like Meth Man's body is cleaned up.

[40:40] Yeah, you expect it's fucking Michael Landon showing up.

[40:42] Yeah.

[40:43] And it turns out it was Jimmy, the barber next door, who, it turns out, wasn't Jimmy at all,

[40:48] but his long-lost father, Dustin Hoffman, wearing Jimmy's shoes.

[40:52] Who's been supplying him with pickles, because pickles apparently help you

[40:56] when you transition from person to person.

[40:58] It's like you lose salt when you transition in the shoes.

[41:00] Otherwise you probably lose yourself in the...

[41:02] In the moment. You own it. You never let it go.

[41:04] That's right.

[41:05] This is your one shot.

[41:06] You don't...

[41:07] Spaghetti.

[41:08] Gotta stop.

[41:10] Yeah, otherwise you strike a note on it and then it's done.

[41:13] Yeah.

[41:14] So it turns out...

[41:15] So the last five minutes to seven minutes of this movie are crazy.

[41:19] Yeah.

[41:20] Where it turns out...

[41:21] You need to eat pickles so you don't lose your DVD copy of Salt when you change bodies.

[41:24] Because you're going to want to watch that again.

[41:27] You're like, Lee Schreiber, a bad guy? I'll watch it.

[41:29] That's never happened before, except in half the movies he's made.

[41:32] Yep. Lee Schreiber plays Sabretooth? That's a Taylor Mane role.

[41:38] A Cobbler Mane role.

[41:39] I think it's Tyler Mane. It doesn't matter, he's a wrestler.

[41:42] It's Tyler Mane in X-Men, but it's Lee Schreiber in X-Men Origins.

[41:46] He doesn't deserve our respect.

[41:48] He gets his living by hurling other men around, like a common hurler.

[41:53] I'll call him whatever. Dave. That's his name now.

[41:56] Starring Kevin Kline as the titular Dave.

[41:59] Anyway, we're about to do the crazy part.

[42:02] Dustin Hoffman reveals, all this time I've been your dad, it was never the right time to tell you.

[42:07] He reveals that...

[42:08] Because I've been in danger from something?

[42:11] Something. He somehow got in too deep with danger with his shoe powers.

[42:15] So he had to hide and go on the lam as Jimmy the Barber.

[42:18] Yeah, I think he was in danger of having to deal with a wife with dementia, I guess.

[42:24] So he's a real heel, is what it comes down to.

[42:26] It's horrible.

[42:27] Pun intended.

[42:28] Oh, right.

[42:29] So Dustin Hoffman reveals that he has a huge hidden layer of famous people's shoes

[42:34] that he uses, I guess, to right wrongs in the world.

[42:36] It's like a weird, like, the Kingsman, the Secret Service room.

[42:40] Like, here's my secret shoe.

[42:42] But without the weird anal sex joke at the end.

[42:44] Then it opens onto a secret garage where he has a luxury car and a driver.

[42:48] And the car has the license plate to Kabul.

[42:52] And they get in and he reveals that...

[42:54] Oh, yeah, all craft tradesmen, you know, dry cleaners and things like that.

[43:00] They all have these secret societies.

[43:02] Anyway, there's a lot of danger and a lot of excitement.

[43:04] Let's go, son.

[43:05] And they drive off into the distance and that's the end of the movie.

[43:08] They're like, driver, take us to fucking Hogwarts so we can begin this training.

[43:12] So it's like, wait, was The Cobbler just chapter one of a trilogy of movies

[43:17] about the war between the cobblers and the dry cleaners?

[43:21] Why did this not happen at minute 30 of the movie?

[43:24] Well, this movie starts off as this low-key magical...

[43:28] It's called Building a Trilogy.

[43:29] I mean, low-key is not in it.

[43:30] Low-key, magical realism movie.

[43:33] Although he is kind of like a low-key figure, constantly changing his face.

[43:37] And a trickster.

[43:38] It takes a brief turn.

[43:39] Eating pickles.

[43:40] Like Rabbit or Coyote.

[43:42] It takes a brief turn into this crime story, as you say.

[43:45] And then at the end, it seems like there's seven minutes of this superhero movie

[43:49] that we didn't get to see.

[43:50] Where the Cobbler Society is protecting the world against, I don't know.

[43:54] Bad shoes, I guess.

[43:55] Against dry cleaners.

[43:57] It's going to turn...

[43:59] I just don't...

[44:00] It feels like there's a better movie where they're using the shoes to...

[44:03] Or at least a goofier movie.

[44:05] Like a Goofy movie.

[44:06] Exactly, a Goofy movie about Goofy and his son connecting.

[44:09] About a dad and his son using magic shoes.

[44:12] What's Goofy's son's name?

[44:13] Goof Jr., probably.

[44:14] Pluto?

[44:15] Pluto is not his...

[44:16] Well, Pluto is his son, not acknowledged.

[44:19] Goofy got drunk one night and had sex with his regular dog.

[44:22] And Pluto was born.

[44:24] So wait, Goofy's not a regular dog?

[44:27] No, he can talk and he wears clothes.

[44:28] Have you ever seen Stand By Me?

[44:31] This is all covered in the campfire scene in Stand By Me.

[44:35] Give me a required reading.

[44:38] Of the movie Stand By Me.

[44:40] I don't know if the body, the Stephen King story, includes that sequence.

[44:43] So don't read that. Watch the movie.

[44:45] So there's a goofier, fun movie where they're using the shoes to impersonate world leaders, I guess.

[44:52] But instead, that movie is just left to our imagination.

[44:55] And the film is like, hmm, yeah, he really learned a lesson about himself from those magic shoes.

[45:02] Secret Society Conspiracy. We're out. Gotta go.

[45:05] Well, he says this big thing about how this is the shoes that I've made and my father and my grandfather.

[45:13] Like all these shoes, but like most of those shoes are dead people.

[45:16] He'll put them on and just be like a zombie.

[45:19] Like I'm King Tut the zombie.

[45:21] I'm John F. Kennedy. No, you're not. You'd be a horrible dead corpse.

[45:25] Just burn those shoes.

[45:29] Yeah, let's move into Final Judgments.

[45:32] Let's move into an apartment together.

[45:34] All right.

[45:35] Just three guys hanging out.

[45:37] I mean, my wife and my son.

[45:39] I got a sofa here.

[45:41] Sofa's choice.

[45:43] And the other one, I guess, gets the tub.

[45:45] Yeah, I guess I'll take the tub.

[45:47] Can I just snooze in that rocking chair like an old man?

[45:50] I mean, we can all curl up in my bed like three little mice.

[45:53] Yep. And we use a sardine can key to pull up the covers.

[45:58] So anyway, let's do our Final Judgments.

[46:01] Whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie...

[46:05] There's like a single feather that floats above us as we snore.

[46:10] A movie we kind of like.

[46:13] It's a bad, bad movie, I say.

[46:15] It's totally...

[46:17] I hear my decree.

[46:19] It's totally bonkers. Don't get me wrong.

[46:21] It is one of the weirdest movies we've watched.

[46:24] It's rare that we've watched a movie other than Fateful Findings

[46:28] where while watching it, I'm like, what am I supposed to get from this?

[46:31] Who is this for?

[46:32] Who is the audience, Tom McCarthy?

[46:34] The thing that I would love to see are the...

[46:36] But it's not energetic enough to be fun.

[46:38] Like the acting training where they're like,

[46:40] okay, Adam Sandler's got this great character.

[46:43] All you are going to be people that he plays when he puts on the shoes.

[46:47] So you're going to have to act like he acts now.

[46:49] And they're like, he's just like schlubbing around.

[46:53] Do we have to do this?

[46:55] Do that, yeah. I mean, every time it's someone in the shoes playing him.

[46:58] And I was actually...

[47:00] I was a little impressed by the fact that they captured, if not him,

[47:04] then those actors noticeably shifted their...

[47:08] Method Man did a good job of being two different people in this.

[47:10] But it's like the director went, okay, once you put the...

[47:13] You're playing Adam Sandler's character.

[47:15] Act like a moron who doesn't know what's going on

[47:17] and is not smart enough to pretend he knows.

[47:19] Got it. Done. Okay.

[47:21] Perfect.

[47:22] The real shining star in this movie, as far as I'm concerned, was Method Man.

[47:25] Yeah.

[47:26] And maybe even Dustin Hoffman, but he's barely in the movie.

[47:30] And Stevie Sami's okay too. You know what? Good, good movie.

[47:33] No, I would call this a bad, bad movie, but like...

[47:36] I just wonder what that last scene of the movie could have been

[47:39] if that had been the movie.

[47:41] It would have been so stupid, but it could have been fun stupid.

[47:44] Yeah.

[47:45] Whatever you guys said.

[47:47] It's fine. Thanks.

[47:49] The most agreeable man in the biz.

[47:54] Hello, Brent.

[47:55] Travis.

[47:56] Welcome to Trends Like These.

[47:58] What's Trends Like These, you ask?

[48:00] Well, it's a podcast where we take the news trending on the internet

[48:05] and we cover it in podcast form.

[48:07] We go beyond the headlines, beyond the memes to bring you the real story

[48:11] so that when your friends bring it up, you can look real smart.

[48:14] We take things that need to be debunked and we debunk them

[48:17] and then we take things that need to be re-bunked and we re-bunk them.

[48:20] We bring you all the details and we give you a spin on it.

[48:23] Our opinions, our thoughts.

[48:25] And we also try to dig up some positive things to talk about, so it's not all bummers.

[48:29] Just a couple of real-life friends talking internet trends.

[48:32] So join us every Thursday on MaximumFun.org

[48:35] and wherever podcasts are found.

[48:49] So we have a sponsor this week.

[48:54] The Flophouse is supported in part by Squarespace,

[48:58] the simplest way to create a compelling website

[49:01] from the strange to the downright bizarre.

[49:03] Great stories to find us.

[49:05] Now, can I give you an example of a strange or downright bizarre website?

[49:08] Yeah, why not? I'll allow it.

[49:10] It's an idea that I've been working on and it's called WarnerHertzogsUrethra.com.

[49:16] Now, a lot of people are familiar with the work of Warner Hertzog,

[49:19] but are we familiar with how well he pees?

[49:21] I'm not and I want to investigate it.

[49:23] And that's what WarnerHertzogsUrethra.com will be all about.

[49:27] Now, maybe it's a non-profit, WarnerHertzogsUrethra.org,

[49:30] but until I figure out, maybe it's an educational site, .edu.

[49:33] I'm worried that I'm not...

[49:35] It's probably not a government site.

[49:37] Unless I can get the funding.

[49:39] Yeah, WarnerHertzogsUrethra.gov would be fantastic.

[49:42] But I'm just worried that I'm not going to be able to get .com

[49:45] and I'm going to be stuck with WarnerHertzogsUrethra.net.

[49:48] Now, would Squarespace help me to put this site together fast?

[49:51] I don't know how to code.

[49:53] Yes, that's what Squarespace is about.

[49:56] Okay, tell me more.

[49:58] Feature...

[50:00] service that helps you build delightful websites without having coding

[50:04] information and or information coding ability and why be able to does it have

[50:11] some ability for me to look at it on my cell phone as opposed to just my

[50:16] desktop yeah that's a good question I want people to be able to see we're in

[50:19] Hertzog's urethra calm on both their iPad iPhone on the go on the go and on

[50:24] the stay Squarespace scales beautifully across all platforms guys that sounds

[50:29] great that sounds amazing it almost sounds like it has responsive design now

[50:34] is there some kind of help desk or something and I could talk to you for

[50:37] extra help probably you're going way off the coffee why you're asking me

[50:42] questions that are not actually in here okay well tell me what you do know about

[50:46] Squarespace well I should say I do they do have and they do have help but they

[50:51] do have help but I can just read what was provided to which says that I mean

[50:56] that's that's what a professional would do a little Squarespace Dan sing me a

[51:04] song of Squarespace Squarespace the place for websites cuz we've all gotta

[51:11] do things on the Internet and some of us aren't doing it right

[51:17] Square Squarespace great story define us you should wear Squarespace you should

[51:23] tell yours Squarespace with simple tools and templates and Squarespace

[51:27] helps you capture your story with a captivating website and you can start

[51:31] your free trial today by visiting Squarespace comm slash flop

[51:37] Squarespace comm slash flop as in flop house yeah you should Squarespace so

[51:45] that's thank you to Squarespace for their continued support of the flop

[51:49] thank you very much without apologize apologies for me getting flustered in

[51:53] the middle of that commercial we're all very passionate about Squarespace it's

[51:58] a hard early I know that I was poking fun a little bit at websites and I know

[52:02] you took that very seriously because Squarespace you believe and I believe

[52:05] too and I'm sure so believes is a valuable service provided at a very good

[52:09] price especially when you go through the flop address Squarespace comm slash flop

[52:13] and so I apologize I shouldn't have been so flipping with it that being said I

[52:17] love websites if you're interested in the internet that being said if you're

[52:22] interested in my interest news reviews fanfiction or how-to tips about Werner

[52:27] Herzog's urethra stay tuned because I that's not that I think you're gonna

[52:30] like I just want to mention that the flop house is now up on the max fund

[52:35] jumbotron where you can have us do a personal or a commercial message for you

[52:43] personal messages we offer for $100 and commercial messages for $200 and you

[52:49] just go to competitively priced very much so you go to these are these are

[52:54] one-off messages on the jumbotron the jumbotron max fun jumbotron and you can

[53:02] go to this cam kiss guys you're on the kiss cam I hope nobody was eating well

[53:10] listening to this episode but if you want to get up on the jumbotron you can

[53:14] go to maximum fun org forward slash jumbotron and submit a message through

[53:20] the online form there and we can get you on the podcast we've had a lot of in the

[53:27] past you know promotions for other podcasts or people who want to do a

[53:32] shout-out for birthdays and for the most part we've you know we've had we've been

[53:37] delighted to do those things but we get so many of them that it seems like the

[53:43] the best thing to do is to sort of monetize that honestly yeah yeah serious

[53:50] businessman route that through the jumbotron so if you have a personal or

[53:55] commercial message you can go to maximum fun org or slash jumbotron it could be

[54:01] as simple as hey Sherry happy birthday or as complicated as hey Barry happy

[54:07] death day in which case people to be like what's that all about it could be

[54:12] as innocent and personal as I love you I'm pregnant I don't this is a weird way

[54:18] to send that message but you can do that or as mercenary as buy this and it'll

[54:23] make your penis grow four to five inches and I know that's right 45 inches of

[54:29] growth yeah all and it's all through natural herbs and fibers just write me

[54:33] and I'll tell you about it I know we're getting long here but just like your

[54:37] penis will be with my method one serious thing to note before we get into letters

[54:44] is this a letter about oh never mind aren't you drop some stuff no this is

[54:51] about our charity drive oh yes please do so a while back around the holidays

[54:58] I mentioned my admiration for the McElroy's and their charitable efforts

[55:02] and I said that we should do something along those lines I remember I think

[55:08] you should do something charitable go do something charitable fans no but we but

[55:13] but we had been thinking behind the scenes like how can we codify that into

[55:17] something a little more if I can let me just I can tell people what it was like

[55:23] I believe you said oh those McElroy boys are getting all the credit Dan wants

[55:28] some of the Samaritan bucks that's right was that it sounds like you just you

[55:34] just pasted a clip from that show but we were thinking about how we could best do

[55:40] this and and Stewart had talked about maybe we could do a contest where people

[55:46] who donate could get to choose what movie we watch which would be a good

[55:53] contest for people in the past we've had a lot of contests that involved yeah

[55:57] that came up drawing or or making a song and for people whose talents don't lie

[56:03] there this would be a good way of giving them a chance to maybe choose a movie

[56:06] finally the non-creative can choose and then after all we're just good at math

[56:10] or writing yeah sure and after last week dancing guys after last week where we

[56:18] got the very sad news that someone a listener to the show had killed

[56:23] themselves there was sort of an organic movement that sprung up on the flop

[56:30] house Facebook group to do a charitable drive for suicide prevention and so and

[56:37] that was totally separate from what we had already been thinking about but that

[56:41] was great and we thought why not go on with that yeah it makes sense use that

[56:47] for the contest so there's now the rocket crocodile action squad raising

[56:52] money for suicide prevention and I will put up the link to that on the website

[56:57] for this episode and you can go there and donate if you see fit and if you

[57:03] don't want to donate anonymously if you want to put your name in you will be

[57:07] entered into the contest to pick a movie for us mm-hmm and so this is to

[57:14] watch any movie that isn't nothing but trouble if it's because if it's nothing

[57:19] but trouble then this will become a double murder and suicide by me killing

[57:24] you guys yeah I want to I should send a special shout out thanks to Shannon camp

[57:29] who really set up the the details of yeah the I mean she was really the

[57:38] driving force behind it and we because we were dragging our feet on our side of

[57:41] things it was difficult for us to find a cause that felt like something that we

[57:46] that was organic like you're saying like that something that was we that made

[57:50] sense with what we do and I'm so it's a no like I had a suggestion that we start

[57:57] a charity to hire people to go buy DVD copies of 40 days and 40 nights and

[58:02] throw them all away and we gave that some strong consideration there was also

[58:06] that ding-dong ripping off charity that you wanted to found which I think I

[58:10] think you have to rip off more and it's something that I'm surprised we didn't

[58:16] think of if only because each of us has had problems with depression at some

[58:20] point or another a lot of our fans have talked to us about their you know this

[58:25] show getting them through tough times similarly it's a it's a thing it's a

[58:28] thread line that runs through many communities but very much through the

[58:32] nerdy geek community and the creative community and I feel like that's where

[58:37] our Venn diagram meets and so it makes sense yeah so anyway though the the link

[58:44] will be up on the website for a rocket crocodiles action squad please if you

[58:48] feel so moved donate a little to suicide prevention but now Stewart stop playing

[58:54] with the bottle caps while Dan talks about the suicide prevention charity

[58:57] thing there's something about charity that brings out the worst in us only in

[59:04] Stuart me you Dan you've been you've been doing real good real good thanks

[59:08] buddy we're doing real good all right dance knows that we're getting rid of

[59:13] him right yeah this is the last one but now that real good hope that sweatshirt

[59:20] feels nice you're gonna need it when you're out on your ass because it's cold

[59:30] out there do you want to wear a sweatshirt when you're out out the cold

[59:33] Dan's wearing a sweatshirt is the back story to that another classic podcast

[59:39] visual gag so now we can move on to letters from listeners listeners write

[59:46] letters and we read them ring a ring a ring a ring a ring a ring a ring a ring

[59:49] a ring what's that sound what's that sound what's that sound it's the letters

[59:52] alarm bell the letters alarm bell telling us that letters have come through

[59:57] the slot in the door what are the

[1:00:00] Letters for reading to you, from us, to you, from you, to us.

[1:00:05] Ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

[1:00:07] It's that letter alarm bell.

[1:00:09] Time for everyone to run to the door and pick us some letters.

[1:00:14] Open them up, read them, get better.

[1:00:16] You're sick, I'm sorry that I had to tell you this way.

[1:00:21] In the form of a letter song, this is the hardest part of my job.

[1:00:26] Ring-ring-ring-ring, it's the letters alarm.

[1:00:29] Letters time.

[1:00:30] Thank you, Elliot.

[1:00:32] Letters are brought to you by mailmen.

[1:00:35] Accurate.

[1:00:37] Factually accurate.

[1:00:39] So this first letter is from Bren, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:00:45] Dear Floppies, floppy bunnies.

[1:00:47] Sometimes I think of you as anthropomorphic bunnies.

[1:00:50] Elliot is especially cute in my head.

[1:00:53] Anyway.

[1:00:53] Nibbling on clover.

[1:00:54] I have kind of a serious question.

[1:00:56] I have a music review comedy YouTube show.

[1:00:58] It's something we do for fun.

[1:00:59] We both have real jobs and passions.

[1:01:01] But sometimes I find that finding time, figuring out which record we want to review,

[1:01:05] what the sketches are going to be, et cetera, can be kind of stressful.

[1:01:08] And there have been times when me and my co-host get in real tiffs

[1:01:11] over this silly thing we do for fun.

[1:01:13] So I'm wondering, do you guys ever get annoyed or frustrated in your real lives

[1:01:17] about things related to putting the show together?

[1:01:19] Are we ever not annoyed?

[1:01:20] Does Dan actually get hurt by Elliot's incessant mocking of Dan's reading skills?

[1:01:24] Does Elliot actually get frustrated by Stuart's constant ding-dong references?

[1:01:28] Does Stuart truly get creeped out by Dan being a huge pervazoid?

[1:01:31] I'm spitballing here.

[1:01:33] Have you had serious conversations about emotions that come up in and around the show?

[1:01:37] Or any you're willing to talk about?

[1:01:40] That's from a brand-last one I withheld.

[1:01:43] We get irritated with each other all the time about stuff.

[1:01:46] We actually haven't had too big an emotional conversation.

[1:01:49] I think it helps that you guys don't work together anymore.

[1:01:52] I think it definitely helps.

[1:01:54] The fact that Dan and I are no longer in a boss or a manager-staff member situation certainly

[1:02:00] helps.

[1:02:01] And I think the fact that Mona, Angela, or Tony, things weren't really helped out that

[1:02:09] much when we hired the therapist from Some Kind of Monster that Metallica went to.

[1:02:13] That really didn't help.

[1:02:14] But I think in some ways, our lives getting more complicated and difficult has made the

[1:02:24] problems with the podcast that we might have between each other minimized.

[1:02:28] Yeah, yeah.

[1:02:29] They get put in perspective, at least.

[1:02:30] It's the only time I feel alive, guys.

[1:02:32] Was I frustrated that for a long time, Dan wouldn't move the recordings from Wednesday

[1:02:37] to Thursday, even though it would have meant I had more sleep and more time with my family?

[1:02:42] Yes.

[1:02:43] And that he then decided after I left that job that, you know what?

[1:02:46] Thursdays are better for him.

[1:02:47] Let's move it to Thursdays.

[1:02:48] But I didn't bring it up.

[1:02:50] No, no, no, no.

[1:02:51] That's not what happened.

[1:02:52] No, no.

[1:02:52] I decided that, like, oh, yeah, you know what?

[1:02:54] It doesn't matter that much when it went to Thursday.

[1:02:57] Dan's rationale for why we couldn't, because on Wednesdays, I had to stay at work late

[1:03:01] to tape the Daily Show Global Edition.

[1:03:03] Then Thursday morning, I've got to get up early, whereas on Friday, I can sleep in a

[1:03:07] little bit.

[1:03:08] Dan's rationale for not wanting to do Thursdays, though, was that that was the night he kind

[1:03:11] of liked to set aside for his social events, because he could sleep in a little on Friday.

[1:03:15] It's a big social night.

[1:03:17] But, Dan, that doesn't irritate me anymore.

[1:03:19] Now I think it's kind of funny.

[1:03:21] And likewise, I'm constantly irritated by these two knuckleheads for reasons that I

[1:03:26] think are abundantly clear to anyone who has listened to the podcast.

[1:03:30] The fact that you do all the work, we get all the credit, we interrupt you when you

[1:03:33] try to do nice things?

[1:03:34] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:03:35] Sometimes when I'm riding on you guys' coattails, you don't drag me along fast enough.

[1:03:40] That's kind of irritating.

[1:03:42] Can you guys be more successful and famous so I can just glide along behind you?

[1:03:47] I'm trying.

[1:03:48] But any time you're doing something creative with another person, there's going to be

[1:03:53] tensions.

[1:03:53] The tensions, in a way, get more so when it's a friend, because there's that implication

[1:03:58] that there should be.

[1:04:00] I can't just fire you.

[1:04:01] Yeah, and you want to be on good terms with this person, so you can't argue or talk out

[1:04:06] the way you would otherwise.

[1:04:07] But also, if you're doing it for no money, there's that extra little bit of pressure,

[1:04:12] because you're like, this should be fun.

[1:04:13] Why am I frustrated with it?

[1:04:14] Because it's work.

[1:04:15] But it's just inevitable.

[1:04:17] Yeah.

[1:04:19] And your production will be better for it, or worse.

[1:04:24] I don't know you, but we're not breaking up, guys.

[1:04:29] No, we're breaking bad.

[1:04:30] Dan's not wearing pants, and he's cooking up meth right now.

[1:04:33] Look, it's my next delicious baking experiment.

[1:04:37] You got up to M in the A to Z baking book, and it's meth.

[1:04:41] All right, got to follow the book.

[1:04:44] But no, we're not breaking up at all.

[1:04:46] So this next letter is from Alex, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:04:50] Proyas.

[1:04:51] It is with a, I kind of like your movies.

[1:04:55] It is with relatively bridled glee that I would like to point out that during a rare

[1:04:59] I say dumb stuff all the time.

[1:05:02] Do you listen to this podcast?

[1:05:03] In John, last name withheld's final episode on a daily show, Elliot's appearance featured

[1:05:08] him discussing a theory about Jabba the Hutt's potentially insensitive nickname.

[1:05:12] Elliot claims it's a general nationalistic title, i.e.

[1:05:15] Jimmy the Greek, sensible if insensitive.

[1:05:18] This is backed up by the appearance of other Hutts in the extended Star Wars universe,

[1:05:22] such as the hilariously bearded and unoriginally named Zorba the Hutt,

[1:05:27] titular star of Zorba the Hutt's Revenge.

[1:05:32] Which is the one that has all the, where's the makeup?

[1:05:36] Which is the Hutt lady?

[1:05:37] That's the lady Hutt, right?

[1:05:38] Lady the Hutt.

[1:05:40] Mama the Hutt.

[1:05:41] Sister of Pizza the Hutt.

[1:05:45] Yes, so why did I say that was so dumb?

[1:05:47] Well, Elliot, you have been rendered retroactively wrong by Mickey Mouse.

[1:05:51] The extended Star Wars universe is no longer canon.

[1:05:54] Jabba the Hutt is now only Hutt, similar to his fellow public actor Yoda the Yoda.

[1:06:01] As such, the title is referenced to his status as the only one of his kind,

[1:06:04] slamming his way across the universe in a lonely kung-fu-esque existence.

[1:06:08] Millions of people tuning in for a landmark television

[1:06:10] bore witness to Elliot's wrongness.

[1:06:12] Dan, Stu, thank you for being consistently correct,

[1:06:17] your consistently correct contributions to the Flophouse community.

[1:06:20] Wait a minute.

[1:06:20] We'll be seeing you.

[1:06:21] Alex, last name withheld.

[1:06:21] I don't understand that.

[1:06:22] I'm not sure I follow the logic either.

[1:06:24] Wait, so when the extended universe was rendered null and void,

[1:06:30] what they're saying is that Jabba the Hutt is now the only one of his species,

[1:06:34] but what about when he goes to be the emcee at that pod race or the guest of honor?

[1:06:39] There's another Hutt there.

[1:06:40] Yeah, I don't know what...

[1:06:41] And also, how does that change what the Hutt means?

[1:06:44] Yeah, yeah, you know what?

[1:06:46] You know what?

[1:06:48] We're gonna have to have a longer conversation about that.

[1:06:50] Yeah, I think it's gonna be on the walk home from Dan.

[1:06:54] I'm on the opposite side of this argument,

[1:06:56] but I think that your argument doesn't make sense.

[1:07:00] My argument?

[1:07:01] No, this letter's argument.

[1:07:01] Oh, yeah, I think that that argument is...

[1:07:04] So you're saying that this letter is not your ally.

[1:07:07] I apologize that I got distracted there.

[1:07:09] I had to hurl a cat from my lap.

[1:07:10] You had to spike the cat and then do an icky shuffle.

[1:07:15] There's a couple times during recording these episodes now where Dan's cat

[1:07:18] not only nudges me, but jumps on me with its claws digging into my clothes,

[1:07:23] and I don't like that, Dan.

[1:07:24] I would say declaw your cat, but that's cruel to the cat.

[1:07:27] It's like cutting off a cat's fingers.

[1:07:29] Don't do that.

[1:07:30] But maybe like...

[1:07:30] Yeah, your cat hasn't wronged the Yakuza.

[1:07:33] No, maybe get like a mannequin of me wearing my clothes

[1:07:36] and put something your cat doesn't like on it so it learns to stay away from me.

[1:07:41] Yeah.

[1:07:41] What does your cat not like?

[1:07:42] Loud noises.

[1:07:44] Okay, I can't be louder.

[1:07:46] It's impossible, humanly.

[1:07:47] The problem is Archie is too much love to give.

[1:07:50] Well, I have enough love in my life.

[1:07:52] But now, so yeah, letter writer, write back in, Alex,

[1:07:55] and explain what you're saying because I don't quite understand.

[1:07:59] This last letter is quite a letter.

[1:08:03] Is this the kind of letter that we shouldn't interrupt you because we'll feel bad afterwards?

[1:08:08] No, it's not that kind of letter.

[1:08:10] Okay.

[1:08:11] Although I would say that it's sad news,

[1:08:14] but sad news delivered with a lot of elan and flair.

[1:08:17] Okay.

[1:08:18] So I'll just read it.

[1:08:21] I'm disappointed to announce that I'm rescinding my invitation

[1:08:24] to my April wedding that you were debating actually coming to.

[1:08:27] What?

[1:08:29] It's not that I love you guys any less.

[1:08:31] You've helped me pass the hours during some terrible times and some great times.

[1:08:35] But I've ended my engagement.

[1:08:38] We had some irreconcilable differences,

[1:08:40] the main one being that we disagreed on whether I found it okay

[1:08:42] that he's still married to his first wife.

[1:08:45] No, I'm not the protagonist of last year's

[1:08:47] underappreciated horror thriller Crimson Peak,

[1:08:50] nor am I Humphrey Bogart from Casablanca.

[1:08:52] And in comparison to those people, I'm doing pretty well.

[1:08:55] But I am bummed that I will not have the honor of meeting you

[1:08:58] at an expensive reception that my family would be paying for.

[1:09:00] You're by no means obligated, but if you read this letter on air,

[1:09:04] I would appreciate it.

[1:09:06] And it's okay because my ex-fiance never really got into the show.

[1:09:09] I did try.

[1:09:10] And even if he does hear this, he knows what he did.

[1:09:13] Hint, he lied about being divorced.

[1:09:15] Keep on flopping in the free world.

[1:09:17] First name withheld.

[1:09:18] Last name withheld.

[1:09:19] I'm going to say that...

[1:09:20] People say that there's no follow-up in journalism anymore.

[1:09:26] They do say that, do they?

[1:09:27] I'm going to say that I had a friend who I will not identify

[1:09:31] who also had a broken engagement

[1:09:34] and with the engagement being called off a few weeks.

[1:09:37] For the same reason?

[1:09:37] Not for the same reason, but for a similarly not excusable reason.

[1:09:41] It was called off a few weeks before the wedding.

[1:09:43] And I'm going to say the same thing now that I said then,

[1:09:46] which is it's a painful thing,

[1:09:48] but better to have it done now than later

[1:09:51] when your life has become so much more complicated

[1:09:54] by being further entangled with this person.

[1:09:56] So I am not glad that you had to go through that.

[1:10:00] and when it did divide up like his and hers towels

[1:10:03] isn't hers

[1:10:04] salt-and-pepper shaker yet we're in the world's if you had a child before this

[1:10:08] came out like that's the kind of thing i'm thinking about where

[1:10:11] your life is now more complicated much more complicated that's just as well as

[1:10:15] by the telenovela style life that uh... our listeners are living apparently

[1:10:20] certainly more exciting than my life

[1:10:23] now that i can play and i'm triply blessed

[1:10:26] well you're a polygamist

[1:10:29] so you've got a couple families stashed around the country

[1:10:33] uh... well you just gotta keep trading up you gotta keep hiring uh... hire i

[1:10:37] guess finding younger wives

[1:10:41] now i see on your resume

[1:10:44] that you just put down good wife

[1:10:47] does that mean you enjoy the show the good wife or you would be a good wife

[1:10:51] is that under hobbies whatever it takes to get me the job

[1:10:55] like well i like that so uh... you didn't put this down but pluses

[1:10:59] you're a go-getter

[1:11:01] under weaknesses it says

[1:11:04] you care too much

[1:11:06] that's a bullshit weakness

[1:11:08] you're uh... under weaknesses you wrote down perfectionist

[1:11:11] now i can see what you're trying to do here this is high standards too hard on

[1:11:14] myself under weaknesses you should have put

[1:11:17] liar

[1:11:19] it's okay that doesn't disqualify you from the job because uh... frankly the

[1:11:23] headshot was the most important part

[1:11:26] your ability to shoot somebody in the head at a long distance wait that was what the job was?

[1:11:30] are you hiring wanteds?

[1:11:32] yeah you need to be able to bend this crazy wailing bullet that's been

[1:11:36] scrimshawed do you have a big tattoo of a tiger on your back okay great let's talk

[1:11:41] you gotta be able to bend this bullet by

[1:11:43] i guess

[1:11:44] sort of throw the gun around yeah remy lebeau and your arm around when you fire the gun

[1:11:48] are you willing to take orders from a magic tapestry making machine

[1:11:53] okay let's talk

[1:11:55] what a crazy comic book that was that's not even in the comic book

[1:11:58] i love that they're like

[1:12:00] this thing is too much about superheroes let's change it uh... well of course we're

[1:12:03] putting the magic loom in sure

[1:12:06] kids love looms they love looms they can't get enough of old timey weaving well with the wolf in the left

[1:12:11] there's wolves probably too

[1:12:14] uh...

[1:12:15] so i guess we're sorry about your engagement

[1:12:19] is the take away it's a mix

[1:12:22] it's a it's it's a bad thing to go through but a good thing to have happened rather than the

[1:12:26] alternative

[1:12:27] of being in a relationship that is

[1:12:30] i guess invalid or illegal but you don't know it

[1:12:33] that is crazy

[1:12:35] but hey what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

[1:12:37] said a crazy german

[1:12:39] uh...

[1:12:41] wait is that katy perry

[1:12:43] yeah it was a Werner Herzog series

[1:12:46] uh... so thank you for all the letter writers out there

[1:12:51] out there in letter land

[1:12:53] we're gonna close up that letter bag and we'll see you next time

[1:12:57] tying it shut there's more letters in there but we don't have time to read them right now

[1:13:03] tie it up tight

[1:13:04] tie it shut or the letters get out and they'll hurt you at night when you're

[1:13:09] sleeping vulnerable alone in your bed

[1:13:13] letters come up and creep onto your head

[1:13:16] and

[1:13:17] nobody knows what happens next except that your body's found under a bridge

[1:13:23] covered in stamps nobody knows

[1:13:26] but the letters shh

[1:13:28] tie that bag tight

[1:13:30] so now is when we recommend movies that we actually liked in contrast to the

[1:13:35] cobbler which was

[1:13:37] excrements

[1:13:39] wow a harsh statement

[1:13:41] from a man who's never made a movie himself doesn't know what the pressures are like

[1:13:44] i love you tom mccarthy

[1:13:46] you're a good man you've done a lot of good work

[1:13:48] you give him a thumbs up i mean come on

[1:13:51] so dan why don't you fire this piece up

[1:13:53] sure i watched for the first time i finally got around to watching

[1:13:59] uh... the deer hunter

[1:14:01] uh... that's about magic shoes right

[1:14:03] yeah uh... it's about a magic bullet

[1:14:07] that goes through someone's head in the game of brush and roulette

[1:14:10] well spoiler alert

[1:14:12] yeah and then

[1:14:13] i'm not going to make it back to the left you

[1:14:15] uh...

[1:14:18] but this is a

[1:14:19] movie that i avoided watching for a very long time primarily because it's like

[1:14:23] three hours and fifteen minutes long

[1:14:25] and uh... it took me having a long weekend to get around to it uh... just

[1:14:30] happen to be on turn classic movies and uh...

[1:14:33] i don't know why i waited so long because it's a long movie

[1:14:36] it's uh... it is long but i found it

[1:14:39] uh...

[1:14:40] pretty engrossing all the way through uh... actually weirdly i found the

[1:14:45] last third

[1:14:46] the least engrossing just because i kind of

[1:14:48] knew from years and years of spoilers where it was all headed

[1:14:53] whereas uh...

[1:14:54] the first two-thirds are

[1:14:58] you know sort of unexpected the first third

[1:15:00] in particular

[1:15:01] i actually found really interesting where it just was a very long

[1:15:05] uh...

[1:15:06] ethnic wedding

[1:15:08] uh... in this small uh... industrial town

[1:15:11] and it

[1:15:12] did that

[1:15:13] seventies thing that movies seem to have forgotten how to do it

[1:15:17] hanging out

[1:15:19] where all the characters just kind of sit really close to the camera and the

[1:15:23] camera pans around each other's faces while they say something they do that thing

[1:15:26] calling each other dumbass

[1:15:29] they do that thing that movies seem to have forgotten

[1:15:32] oh boy

[1:15:33] that thing that movies seem to have forgotten how to do where the characters

[1:15:37] get introduced through action and through suggestion

[1:15:41] uh... as you get to know them rather than

[1:15:43] characters explaining what their deal is

[1:15:45] but jimmy you're a cobbler

[1:15:48] the saturday night live impression thing where it's like hey it's me

[1:15:52] tv's michael cain

[1:15:55] tv's michael cain

[1:15:56] okay i'm going to give you a couple notes on that impression

[1:15:59] one he's not really known for his television work if he's ever done any

[1:16:03] two it sounded more like jimmy stewart

[1:16:06] i'm nervous about doing a michael cain impression anymore because uh... i was

[1:16:09] working on my racist michael cain impression based on his uh... not all

[1:16:14] white oscars uh... comment

[1:16:17] i don't know what he said

[1:16:18] just wait you should

[1:16:19] wow

[1:16:22] now i feel bad about

[1:16:24] impersonating michael cain

[1:16:25] i played hanny brown i know what life is like for brown people it's terrible you

[1:16:30] have to be an old man vigilante

[1:16:33] oh man he's

[1:16:34] it's a bummer

[1:16:35] uh...

[1:16:37] something something dark knight rises he is an old he is an old englishman so i

[1:16:42] do not expect a high level of racial

[1:16:45] you'll just have to pick your shelves back up

[1:16:47] slip voices

[1:16:51] goodnight you kings of maine you princess of new england or whatever the line is

[1:16:56] here are the abortion orphanage

[1:16:59] the abortion orphanage

[1:17:02] i say you're following some cider house rules

[1:17:06] uh...

[1:17:07] uh... it's not here it's in the cider house and bills house

[1:17:13] the house of mouse

[1:17:15] okay that's right

[1:17:16] uh... but yet

[1:17:18] your honor got some great performances from the uh... robert de niro christopher

[1:17:22] walken and beautiful cinematography it's it's it's quite an experience to and

[1:17:27] uh... it's well worth the investment of time

[1:17:31] uh... anyone else

[1:17:33] yeah i uh... earlier this week i went to an early screening of a movie that

[1:17:39] should come out the day before this podcast comes out a movie called the

[1:17:43] witch

[1:17:44] uh... it's

[1:17:46] pronounced the witch although it's spelled with two capital v's instead of

[1:17:49] a capital w

[1:17:51] and it's uh... it's

[1:17:53] a period piece

[1:17:55] uh... set about a hundred years before the sale of which trials and it's set in

[1:17:58] new england

[1:17:59] uh... and it is

[1:18:02] well it's very true to the time period

[1:18:05] there's a lot of effort made it to uh... like

[1:18:09] the the characters who were in english family who've come over from england

[1:18:14] uh... all like

[1:18:15] they sound and

[1:18:17] act like an english family their their clothes are all hand-stitched

[1:18:21] uh... it's a very atmospheric

[1:18:23] movie that's big uh... like uh... what a build-up and a slow pace

[1:18:29] and the score is great

[1:18:31] and there's definitely some scares it's kind of interesting because the movie

[1:18:34] that is being kind of pitches like the next like

[1:18:37] super scary movie

[1:18:39] and it's

[1:18:40] it's just

[1:18:41] it's so slow and atmospheric that i'm kind of surprised like i think some

[1:18:45] people will be disappointed

[1:18:46] but i thought it was great and it was scary and for our first time for a first

[1:18:52] feature from this director it was very confident and really interesting

[1:18:57] so if you like your horror to be

[1:18:59] fairly like thoughtful and interesting i would go check it out no dummies apply

[1:19:06] leave your

[1:19:06] it's not a check your brain at the door it's

[1:19:09] take your brain and say i'll be keeping this please i won't check this i'll take

[1:19:12] it to my seat

[1:19:14] and it's not because you're trying to save on a tip

[1:19:16] no i mean you can still tip them

[1:19:18] although if you're using your brain you're like

[1:19:21] that money's better spent somewhere else like at the concession stand

[1:19:25] uh... i'm gonna recommend a movie that it's going to be a slightly we're

[1:19:29] recommendation only because

[1:19:31] it's a tiny tissue

[1:19:32] it's not really inspired me to think about shoes

[1:19:36] uh... so watch it i mean it's a issue that you just look at

[1:19:40] uh... i'd recently watched uh... chiraq

[1:19:43] uh... iraq spike lee's most recent movie

[1:19:45] with by aristophanes

[1:19:47] uh... yes somewhat it's based it's a remake or adaptation of less a strata

[1:19:53] about the violence is a really good idea

[1:19:57] it's a really good list of respect is always

[1:20:00] Warren is Ken Russell influence pretty strongly.

[1:20:03] We all remember Layer of the Black Worm,

[1:20:04] his take on Layer of the White Worm.

[1:20:07] But it's about the inner city violence in Chicago

[1:20:13] and there's some things about it that are fantastic.

[1:20:16] Like as a piece of agit prop, it's really good.

[1:20:20] And unfortunately, there's a certain point

[1:20:23] where the movie kind of runs out of steam

[1:20:24] and then keeps going and he's made his point so well

[1:20:27] that it weakens the point a little bit.

[1:20:30] There are some scenes,

[1:20:32] because it's an adaptation of Lice Estrada,

[1:20:34] a lot of the scenes are in verse

[1:20:36] and the way that's handled is really well.

[1:20:39] And in many cases, a scene will start

[1:20:41] and you'll be like, oh, like the verse is so subtle

[1:20:45] at this part that I didn't even notice

[1:20:46] for a couple of minutes that this was written in verse.

[1:20:49] And other times, the verse is very obvious on purpose.

[1:20:52] Samuel L. Jackson is a kind of narrator character in it

[1:20:55] and I guess is taking the place of a chorus.

[1:20:58] He's really fantastic in it.

[1:20:59] Like the performers are really good in it

[1:21:01] and the scenes that are really good in it are really good.

[1:21:05] There's an opening scene at a club

[1:21:08] where one of the characters is performing

[1:21:10] and the way that that's handled

[1:21:12] and the way that the dancing of the people

[1:21:14] watching the show is handled,

[1:21:16] you're like, oh yeah, I forgot that Spike Lee

[1:21:18] is like masterful when he wants to be

[1:21:20] with like film technique.

[1:21:21] Like this is a guy who knows movies inside and out

[1:21:24] and can do whatever he wants with them.

[1:21:26] It just so happens that like what he's saying

[1:21:28] is more important to him than how he says it.

[1:21:30] And so there are certain scenes in it

[1:21:33] where I was watching it and I was like,

[1:21:34] is this like a college sketch comedy video?

[1:21:38] Because it's like, there's certain scenes

[1:21:40] where I was like, this is a terrible scene.

[1:21:41] Why is this happening?

[1:21:42] And other ones where it was really powerful

[1:21:46] because it was well made and other scenes

[1:21:47] that were really powerful even when they had problems.

[1:21:50] So it's a really uneven movie

[1:21:51] and it has its own issues in that in theory,

[1:21:54] I guess it's about female empowerment

[1:21:57] and women using their power over men

[1:21:59] in a way that they wouldn't usually

[1:22:01] except that the women still,

[1:22:03] most of them are dressed up in like sexy army outfits

[1:22:06] for a lot of the movie and it's,

[1:22:08] they do a lot of like dance moves

[1:22:10] where they slap their butts in front of the camera.

[1:22:12] So it's like, there were times when I'm like,

[1:22:13] Spike Lee, I don't know if you're as female empowerment

[1:22:16] as you think you are.

[1:22:17] But it's just like I found,

[1:22:20] even though it was not, it's an uneven movie,

[1:22:22] I found it to be a very powerful viewing experience

[1:22:25] and that just that it gets the point across so strongly

[1:22:29] about like this is a big problem

[1:22:30] that no one really is doing much about

[1:22:32] the violence in the United States

[1:22:34] and specifically violence targeting black people

[1:22:38] either by regular people or police or whoever.

[1:22:42] By regular people, I mean non-policemen.

[1:22:43] But it's worth a watch if you can like sit through the scene.

[1:22:49] There's a scene where Lysistrata seduces an army general

[1:22:54] into letting her take control of a military base

[1:22:58] and that was the main scene where I was watching it.

[1:23:00] I was like, what the fuck movie is this?

[1:23:02] Like this is Spike, I've been really,

[1:23:04] this has been a really good movie up to now.

[1:23:05] Like I don't understand, like this scene is terrible.

[1:23:08] But then it picks back up again.

[1:23:09] It just copes your thumb over to the fast forward button.

[1:23:12] I mean, it's, I'm never,

[1:23:14] I'm not a huge fan of people like skimming movies

[1:23:17] but this is a movie where you could probably,

[1:23:20] if a scene is really bad,

[1:23:23] then just like skip to the next scene.

[1:23:25] But like watch all the three,

[1:23:26] it's one of those movies too where.

[1:23:27] It's why DVDs are broken down into chapters.

[1:23:29] I guess so, but you can only watch it on Amazon Prime.

[1:23:32] Oh man.

[1:23:33] Or elsewhere, I'm not sure.

[1:23:34] But the, it's worth watching.

[1:23:37] It's worth sitting through the uneven parts.

[1:23:39] But there may be scenes where you're like,

[1:23:41] why am I watching this?

[1:23:42] But it's a good movie, it's powerful.

[1:23:44] Okay, three non-qualified recommendations.

[1:23:48] I mean, this one is, it's only qualified

[1:23:50] because there are parts where I'm glad I went through it

[1:23:53] but was like, this scene should have been cut.

[1:23:56] You know, or this thing should not be happening.

[1:23:58] Yeah.

[1:24:00] So that's the show for another week.

[1:24:03] Yeah.

[1:24:04] Another half month.

[1:24:06] Thanks again to our network MaxFun

[1:24:09] for producing a bunch of shows and that are great.

[1:24:11] Please check out the other MaxFun shows.

[1:24:13] We've got a whole bunch of new shows

[1:24:15] like Travis and Teresa McElroy's new Manners podcast,

[1:24:19] Shmanners, which teaches you how to be a better person.

[1:24:22] Yeah.

[1:24:23] Well, how to be a more polite person.

[1:24:25] Yeah.

[1:24:25] And we also added.

[1:24:26] Appear to be a better person.

[1:24:28] We also added Trends Like These, which pre-existed,

[1:24:31] but another Travis McElroy,

[1:24:33] like basically they're all Travis McElroy joints these days.

[1:24:36] Yeah, yeah.

[1:24:36] He's the busiest man in podcasting.

[1:24:37] He's got his fingers in all kinds of pod pies.

[1:24:40] Mm, chicken pod pie.

[1:24:42] Podcasts.

[1:24:44] They're going to have a podcast about pies tomorrow.

[1:24:47] I guess, why not?

[1:24:48] They can be.

[1:24:49] If Piper's can be pied, why can't Cass?

[1:24:52] Then we can have a pencil out of leaves.

[1:24:54] If this boy can grow leaves on his legs,

[1:24:56] then we can have a podcast about pie.

[1:25:00] Take that Lin Manuel Miranda.

[1:25:01] That's going to sound like so much gibberish

[1:25:03] to anyone who did not listen to

[1:25:05] The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

[1:25:06] Or pause the podcast.

[1:25:08] Go back.

[1:25:09] No, I mean, you got to keep listening.

[1:25:11] Listen to Stewart's Directions.

[1:25:13] You got to go queue up

[1:25:15] The Odd Life of Timothy Green episode of our podcast

[1:25:18] and listen to it.

[1:25:19] Now pause.

[1:25:20] And then listen to it.

[1:25:21] And then like do the 15 second rewind thing.

[1:25:23] And do it again.

[1:25:24] Just really.

[1:25:25] Just do it three times.

[1:25:26] Couple times.

[1:25:27] Okay, do it to the beginning of this episode,

[1:25:27] now listen to the episode again.

[1:25:29] Yeah, but when you get to that point,

[1:25:30] really enjoy that joke.

[1:25:32] Just like really like luxuriate in it.

[1:25:34] And then take a moment to pause it and be like,

[1:25:37] what am I doing with my time?

[1:25:39] My family or what's really important?

[1:25:40] Not this podcast.

[1:25:42] Then throw your phone in the lake.

[1:25:43] Mm-hmm.

[1:25:44] You were listening to it on your laptop though.

[1:25:48] Throw it in the lake anyway.

[1:25:49] Shove it off the table like you were Neil Breen.

[1:25:53] And just go live, man.

[1:25:55] Yeah, just take that laptop,

[1:25:57] sprinkle some ground beef, some lettuce,

[1:25:59] maybe some cheese, a little bit of sour creams.

[1:26:02] That's a taco supreme at that point.

[1:26:04] With a laptop on it.

[1:26:05] And then eat it.

[1:26:06] Go run through the field towards your love, you know?

[1:26:10] She or he's been waiting there for you.

[1:26:12] Walk through a wheat field,

[1:26:13] just kind of grazing the wheat with your fingers,

[1:26:15] gladiator style.

[1:26:16] Oh no, you're probably dead.

[1:26:17] Oh boy, that's because you're in heaven.

[1:26:19] Well, glad the Flophouse is playing in heaven.

[1:26:21] Yeah, rated R.

[1:26:23] Beetlejuice.

[1:26:24] Is playing at heaven.

[1:26:25] The number one podcast all over heaven.

[1:26:27] It's a Sparks reference.

[1:26:30] But anyway.

[1:26:31] Is playing at heaven.

[1:26:33] You're dead.

[1:26:34] Why did the movie phone guy tell me I was dead?

[1:26:37] Let's like, there was.

[1:26:38] Twist.

[1:26:38] Do you guys see the John Mulaney Netflix special?

[1:26:41] There's a part where a subtitle was timed incorrectly.

[1:26:44] And so in the middle of a joke,

[1:26:45] randomly a subtitle just comes up that says,

[1:26:47] you will die on like April 7th, 2038.

[1:26:50] And I was like, what the hell was that?

[1:26:53] And I did so much Googling to find out what just happened.

[1:26:57] Because it was for a moment I was like,

[1:26:59] my Netflix didn't just tell me

[1:27:01] when I'm actually gonna die, did they?

[1:27:03] And I started thinking about how am I gonna use this time

[1:27:04] now that I know I only have this much amount of time?

[1:27:06] Yeah, it's like Scott McCloud's The Sculptor.

[1:27:09] Yeah, exactly.

[1:27:10] That's terrifying.

[1:27:11] It was really scary in a way that a rational person

[1:27:15] would not really be scared by, but I was.

[1:27:19] So on that really creepy note,

[1:27:21] I guess that note of disquiet and dismay.

[1:27:23] Just a warning, if you watch John Mulaney's special,

[1:27:25] that subtitle is just placed wrong.

[1:27:26] It's not, the Netflix is not telling you

[1:27:28] when you're gonna die.

[1:27:31] Well, okay, so it's a public service announcement

[1:27:33] against disquiet and dismay.

[1:27:36] Yeah, don't be disquieted or dismayed.

[1:27:39] But thanks for listening.

[1:27:41] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:27:43] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[1:27:45] And I'm Elliot Kalin, unless I die

[1:27:47] on the day Netflix told me I would.

[1:27:48] Ah!

[1:27:49] And you're somebody else so that Netflix

[1:27:51] can't find you and kill you.

[1:27:53] Dan, give me your shoes so I can be you.

[1:27:55] You put on my shoes so you'll be me.

[1:27:56] All right, zap.

[1:28:00] Your clothes fell off.

[1:28:01] No!

[1:28:04] Your shoes stayed on though, it's cool.

[1:28:05] So you have Dan's wiener.

[1:28:07] Let's pee in this fountain, figure it out.

[1:28:14] Oh, what kind of beers you got this time, Medellos?

[1:28:16] Yep, especial, meaning that they are especial.

[1:28:24] They're e-special.

[1:28:26] That's like Erin E. Shurance.

[1:28:28] Yeah.

[1:28:29] A cartoon character I wanna have sex with.

[1:28:32] That's the E. Shurance mascot?

[1:28:34] Yeah, she's that mascot that-

[1:28:36] Is she the one who's a spy?

[1:28:37] Yeah, she's the one that I think they dropped

[1:28:39] because there was too much porn on the internet about her.

[1:28:42] Hey, that's the risk you run

[1:28:44] when you have a sexy cartoon mascot.

[1:28:46] It's like-

[1:28:47] Sveta Kavalka was okay with it.

[1:28:49] Maximumfun.org.

[1:28:51] Comedy and culture.

[1:28:52] Artist owned.

[1:28:53] Listener supported.

[1:28:54] Hi, I'm Brian Safi.

[1:28:55] And I'm Erin Gibson.

[1:28:56] And we host the Throwing Shade podcast.

[1:28:59] On Throwing Shade, we look at an issue important to ladies

[1:29:01] and an issue important to gay people

[1:29:02] and then we basically make fun of it.

[1:29:04] Yeah, and just to answer your question,

[1:29:06] I know we don't have a marriage pact

[1:29:07] but if we don't get married by the time we're 30,

[1:29:09] we're gonna do that to each other.

[1:29:11] No, that's true.

[1:29:12] Although we have each been divorced three times.

Ep. #198 - The Cobbler

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