Ep. #199 - Jem and the Holograms

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Gem and the Holograms.

[0:04] Dan, I noticed you went out of your way not to say Gem and the Holograms as your accent would normally do.

[0:09] Or Jam and the Holograms.

[0:10] Which sounds delicious.

[0:12] But that meant I said Holograms kind of weird.

[0:14] Yeah, it does.

[0:15] Because I was concentrating on the first part.

[0:30] Hey, everyone.

[0:45] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:46] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:47] Greetings and salutations, Dan McCoy.

[0:50] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:53] I don't know why Stuart was doing that weird voice just now.

[0:55] He was trying out his new nerd character.

[0:57] For a second, I thought you were Garth from Wayne's World.

[1:00] Yeah, if you saw his face...

[1:02] He's definitely doing one of those Garth tight-lipped little...

[1:05] He's doing a Garth face.

[1:06] Hey, this is a comedy show, guys.

[1:07] I wanted to add another character to the cornucopia of personalities that come spilling forth.

[1:12] The rogues gallery that is the Flophouse.

[1:15] So you started to add copyrighted and trademarked character Garth Algar.

[1:20] Garth Algar.

[1:21] I think that's his last name.

[1:22] No, it is.

[1:23] Yeah.

[1:24] Makes him sound like a science fiction author.

[1:27] Yeah.

[1:28] Or anyone else who has a name.

[1:33] He's got you there.

[1:34] Other people have names, Dan.

[1:36] Not just science fiction authors.

[1:38] All those authors of literary fiction were like,

[1:41] I wish people could know who wrote my book, but I don't have a name.

[1:44] I apologize.

[1:45] So it just says, Literary Drone 4-7.

[1:48] I apologize if I cough a lot during this episode.

[1:51] I'm getting over a cold.

[1:52] And you're totally blazed.

[1:54] Yeah, that's right.

[1:56] 4-20, dude.

[1:58] Is it that late already?

[2:00] That's right.

[2:01] We're recording this at 4-20 in the a.m.

[2:04] I have to be at work in a couple hours.

[2:06] I don't know why I chose this time.

[2:09] Seems like a bad idea all around.

[2:11] And I got stoned for it.

[2:14] Doubly bad.

[2:16] So if you didn't want to sleep before, you certainly do now.

[2:19] Oh, boy.

[2:20] And wait.

[2:21] So when you get totally high, you don't want to just work and do stuff like Snoop Dogg?

[2:27] Take a couple of gravity-bomb rips and just –

[2:30] Is that the secret of his productivity?

[2:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:33] He's like Popeye with spinach.

[2:34] Pro-dog-tivity.

[2:35] Perfect.

[2:36] Now the real problem is that you're so high that your hand is trapped in a bag of Doritos.

[2:40] If you just let go of all those Doritos, you'll be able to pull your hand out of there.

[2:43] But you refuse to let go of them.

[2:45] I can even get those sweet Doritos.

[2:49] They're going to taste so good once I get them out of there.

[2:52] What are they, like the spicy sweet chili flavor?

[2:54] Why are they sweet Doritos?

[2:56] It's Doritos that just have sugar all over them.

[3:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[3:02] They're called kettle Doritos.

[3:04] Okay, they're kettle Doritos.

[3:06] Explain the rest of this chip snack to me, Dan.

[3:09] Chip snack.

[3:11] They combine the sweet and savory.

[3:13] Okay, of like kettle corn?

[3:14] Yeah, exactly.

[3:15] Not like kettle chips, which would make way more sense.

[3:19] See, I forgot that there was a thing called kettle chips.

[3:22] We all did.

[3:23] It was a missing piece of that puzzle.

[3:26] You solved it.

[3:28] Okay, I guess I'll be seeing you in prison.

[3:32] Another episode over of Stewart Wellington's Snack Detective.

[3:37] One more question.

[3:39] Were those nachos cheesier?

[3:41] All that powdered sugar on your hands is from a miniature donut.

[3:46] A miniature?

[3:48] You've been taking real donuts and shrieking them, haven't you?

[3:50] Detective, I have a snack convention to get to.

[3:54] Oh, that makes sense.

[3:55] That makes sense.

[3:56] I hear it's not easy being cheesy.

[3:57] That's fine.

[3:59] It's not powdered sugar on my hands.

[4:00] It's cocaine, I swear.

[4:02] Oh, that feels so weird in my nose.

[4:05] You're a drug addict.

[4:07] But that's illegal, too, so I'll take you in for that.

[4:09] Damn, my alibi was also illegal.

[4:11] Wait, the first thing was illegal?

[4:12] Yeah, this is the universe where powdered sugar is illegal.

[4:15] Oh, man.

[4:16] Thanks, I don't know, Aldous Huxley?

[4:19] The name of a science fiction author.

[4:21] Looks like that's our show, folks.

[4:23] Good night, everybody.

[4:24] Thanks for coming to UCB's Ask Cat.

[4:26] We'll see you next Sunday.

[4:28] Now, the show is free, but you do have to pay to leave.

[4:30] Here's the bucket of truth.

[4:31] We're going to pass it around.

[4:32] I haven't been to one of those shows in years, and I remember all the patter.

[4:36] Wow.

[4:37] Okay.

[4:39] This is normally a show where we talk about the biggest city in America.

[4:42] So I'm Stuart Wellington.

[4:45] Let's start over.

[4:47] Thanks for resetting for us.

[4:48] It was the way he said his name that sidetracked us.

[4:51] Dan, you're coughing a lot.

[4:52] Are you blazed?

[4:54] Wow.

[4:56] So this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[4:59] In this case, we watched a movie called Jim and the Holograms.

[5:03] Jim and the Holograms.

[5:06] That's where somebody eats graham crackers that are not actually there.

[5:09] It's just an image.

[5:10] I thought you said the graham crackers were hollow.

[5:12] That would make more sense.

[5:13] Like a bird's bones.

[5:15] Okay.

[5:16] Based on the popular 80s cartoon of the same name.

[5:20] What?

[5:22] Jim and the Holograms.

[5:23] Cuber?

[5:24] The Snorks?

[5:25] I guess they did make a cartoon, right?

[5:27] Rubik's Amazing Cube?

[5:29] That's my favorite one, where Rubik's Cube is an alien that can transform into different things.

[5:35] Off to the car.

[5:36] I think you're making that up.

[5:37] I don't remember that one.

[5:38] Rubik's Amazing Cube is a real one.

[5:40] I still don't believe it.

[5:41] Here's not a real one.

[5:42] The Squimps.

[5:43] The Squimps are lovable little characters that are very marketable.

[5:46] I'm willing to sell you the rights cheap.

[5:49] They're all sexual predators, though.

[5:52] Okay, that explains why they're cheap.

[5:54] So they're show camping your children.

[5:56] Okay.

[5:57] That's the only problem.

[5:59] Okay, well, we'll just put it on Netflix.

[6:01] There's no children there, right?

[6:03] You're mistaken.

[6:04] What about YouTube?

[6:05] That's called a segue, because this movie is all about YouTube.

[6:09] It's all about you, tube.

[6:12] I'm not tube.

[6:14] I know I look like a tube, because of the diet I've been on, the tube diet.

[6:18] Now, I'm going to make an astonishing admission.

[6:22] I don't know that I've ever actually watched an episode of Gem and the Holograms.

[6:26] When I was in my 20s, suddenly people started talking about it as if it was a show everyone remembered from when they were kids.

[6:32] I didn't remember it at all.

[6:34] This is only something I've experienced through other people's nostalgia for it.

[6:37] Now, this is something that I did watch, but I've got very vague memories of.

[6:41] And now I have very strong memories about other shows that no one remembers, like Dino Saucers.

[6:46] Okay.

[6:47] Or that Mr. T cartoon where he hung around with a bunch of gymnasts.

[6:49] Well, everyone remembers that one.

[6:51] Or Dino Riders.

[6:53] A lot of them are dinosaur-based cartoons.

[6:55] What about Denver the Last Dinosaur?

[6:57] Of course, Denver the Last Dinosaur.

[6:58] He's my friend and a whole lot more.

[6:59] Sure, I remember that one.

[7:00] Wait a minute.

[7:01] I thought he was my friend, you son of a bitch.

[7:05] No, that's the more.

[7:06] He's everyone's friend.

[7:07] What's a whole lot more mean?

[7:08] That seems creepy.

[7:09] We're lovers.

[7:10] Okay.

[7:11] We're not just friends.

[7:12] Strongly implied.

[7:13] Me and that guitar-playing dinosaur that I found in a cave and I are an item.

[7:17] That would be difficult because dinosaurs aren't known for having overly dexterous fingers.

[7:21] I don't know.

[7:23] There are a lot of dinosaurs with thumb-like opposable claws.

[7:26] Okay.

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:28] Maybe they could have invented, I don't know, a meteor to strike the planet and kill themselves.

[7:31] You're saying it was all a plot?

[7:33] Yeah.

[7:34] This is your spare-change-style conspiracy video?

[7:36] Yeah.

[7:37] I'd say maybe go check out the giant dino-chirus claws at the Museum of Natural History.

[7:43] I'm probably pronouncing it wrong.

[7:44] But, Dan, so Gem of the Holograms, you did watch it.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] Now, what I remember is, and this could be totally wrong, but here's what I remember.

[7:51] Well, somebody will fact-check it and nicely send us an email explaining how we were possibly wrong.

[7:57] Probably my brother.

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:59] Gem was like this sort of high-powered business lady maybe, and she had a computer called Synergy.

[8:06] She's a real Sigourney Weaver and working girl type.

[8:08] That turned her into a truly outrageous pop star, and then there were the misfits.

[8:14] So it's like she has it all.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:17] She's like business by day, party at night.

[8:18] But she needs to keep her secret identity secret for some reason.

[8:22] Like a real Hannah Montana situation.

[8:26] And the misfits, whose songs are better, say themselves in the theme song.

[8:32] Of course they'd say that.

[8:33] I mean Walk Among Us is a great album.

[8:35] We're always trying to undermine Gem, and that's all I remember.

[8:39] Okay.

[8:40] Now, we may have talked about this before on the podcast, how dumb I think it is that the misfits are the villain in the show but that was a real band already.

[8:50] Yeah.

[8:51] And the producers of the show, I assume, knew this, or maybe they didn't.

[8:54] I mean they could have just logged onto the internet and found out.

[8:57] All they'd do is check Spotify.

[8:59] Yeah.

[9:00] I mean you can't copyright a name, so they're like maybe we can just borrow some of this.

[9:04] I mean the band Walk Among Us.

[9:05] So you mean I could just start a band called The Beatles tomorrow?

[9:07] Sure, man, if you had the wherewithal, if you had the guts.

[9:11] Oh, I was bitten by a withal, and now when there's a formula I've become a wherewithal.

[9:14] FYI, you just have to spell Beatles with two Es.

[9:17] Wait a minute.

[9:19] Like the animals?

[9:20] Yes.

[9:21] Gross.

[9:22] Like the animals who sang House of the Rising Sun.

[9:24] Well, I mean that's a traditional folk song.

[9:27] Yeah, folks sing it.

[9:30] Folks like the animals.

[9:32] So that's why I know.

[9:35] It was much more – it was a science fiction-y, pop star-y show about a truly outrageous singer.

[9:40] Okay.

[9:41] Truly, truly outrageous.

[9:42] I mean there was elements that necessitated it to be a cartoon show, right?

[9:46] Yeah.

[9:47] Well, for one thing it was for kids.

[9:49] I mean there was tons of shows for kids that weren't cartoons.

[9:52] You're right.

[9:53] California Dreams.

[9:54] I remember it being my hometown.

[9:55] It was Happy the Hobo where a hobo-like clown had –

[10:00] a variety show and had kids on. I may be wrong but I remember it being a little like more soap

[10:04] operay than the usual cartoon in that I think it had like continuing storylines.

[10:11] Which made me interested in it even though I was a boy. No Captain Caveman had no continuing

[10:15] storylines. But he did have a club that had a little bird that came out of it. Well it was

[10:18] like a little bit of radar like dish. Yeah it was like he had Inspector Gadget but instead of being

[10:24] an entire man Inspector Gadget was just his club. Yes exactly. It was more of a dynamite type

[10:30] situation. Okay. Where all the robo stuff is in a dog. Okay that makes sense. That makes sense.

[10:38] So Gem of the Holograms the show was some kind of science fictiony

[10:42] stuff about a truly outrageous. You say that I assume she says that or it's in the cartoon.

[10:46] There's an element of Gem is her name no one else is the same. Gem is her name.

[10:50] Gem. This really doesn't tell you a lot about the character. There's a fair amount. There's

[10:55] some like female empowerment to it. Yeah. Well it's set on a world where women rule and men are

[11:01] slaves. Oh wow. It's called Earth. Oh think about it boys. You blew my mind. But this is not a

[11:11] science fiction movie. This is unless you believe that this YouTube world we live in. No no no.

[11:16] Unless a beatboxing robot who projects holograms is science fiction which it is.

[11:21] This is a movie that is not science fiction except for one very specific element. The

[11:26] aforementioned beatboxing robot with holograms. All right let's say it's not science fiction

[11:30] for the first. Science faction like analog. For the first 40 minutes where there is no robot.

[11:35] Okay. Because it eliminates the whole like the double life stuff. A whole glass of lemonade.

[11:40] All the double life stuff is basically just because like Gem is too shy.

[11:48] Yeah. There's no plot reason. Well and it's a marketing thing. Anyway let's tell you what

[11:53] sort of the movie it's about. Okay. The movie opens with a bunch of YouTube clips. A bunch of

[11:56] YouTube clips of kids just rocking out on music. Playing music man. Talking about how important

[12:00] music is to them. Music's their boyfriend. It's their king sized bed. All that stuff. Anyway.

[12:06] Leaving Britney alone. We are introduced to Jerrica. Our main character who is a young

[12:11] singer who has very little. Who has a weird name. That's her main personality trait is that she has

[12:16] a weird name. And she's a good musician. Yeah. Now her dad was an inventor who was working on

[12:21] a robot named Synergy. Okay. Is there something in the cartoon called Synergy? I think that's what

[12:28] the hologram is called. Is that the hologram robot or something? The computer that turns

[12:31] Gem into a rock and roll star. A rock and roller. A real rolling rocker.

[12:38] Now in the cartoon. A rolling rocker who drinks a lot of rolling rock. She drinks a lot of rolling

[12:41] rock. Yeah. In the cartoon. She loved those old commercials that Mark Lynn Baker did.

[12:44] Where he was like a rolling rock professor. What? Do you not remember those? He was a professor.

[12:48] He was a beer professor. It was like he was a professor of history or something.

[12:52] These were from like 15 years ago. Maybe 16 years ago. So in the cartoon could Gem always play music

[13:00] and only the computer turned her into a totally outrageous person? You are really

[13:03] overestimating my memory of this thing. So Dan, act out an episode for us. Okay.

[13:10] Knock knock. It's me, Gem. Hello. Structured like a joke. I like it.

[13:16] Gem who? Gem in the holograms. The end. Deke. That's just the animation logo at the end.

[13:23] For some reason, it still has Inspector Gadget putting the little eye dot in Deke.

[13:30] Yeah, yeah. I mean, because you don't lose a character like that. Then the old Marvel

[13:33] animation logo with Spider-Man dropping down on the Marvel logo. That was the thing that Muppet

[13:38] babies want. So where do you see the Muppets and Spider-Man share the same universe?

[13:46] Disney owns both, so yes. All right. I would like to see that crossover.

[13:53] I wait like six months and it'll probably happen. But it'll be in a video game where

[13:58] Mickey is a wizard or something. And by Mickey, I mean Mickey Dolan from The Monkees.

[14:06] Voice of Arthur on the tick. Okay, that's a fact.

[14:11] Cartoon version. About a thing that's true.

[14:14] Anyway. That's what a fact is.

[14:15] Jerrica. Jerrica.

[14:16] That's a fact about a thing that's true. That's what a fact is. So Jerrica is a girl. Her dad

[14:22] passed away, but before that he was working on a robot. She and her younger sister live with her

[14:26] aunt, played by Molly Ringwald. 80s star. Gem herself, basically.

[14:31] She, at the right time, she would have been Gem. But now, unfortunately, because of Hollywood's

[14:36] ageism, she cannot play Gem. She can only look kind of like Carol Burnett in movies like this.

[14:43] Now, they live with her aunt, Molly Ringwald, and her aunt's two foster daughters who have,

[14:50] I don't remember what their names are.

[14:51] Aja. Aja.

[14:52] Named after the Steely Dan album.

[14:54] Right? And who is the other one?

[14:56] I don't remember because she's not named after Deacon Blues.

[15:00] Two against the world.

[15:03] And so, they like to sing. They like to hang out. But no one likes to sing and play guitar

[15:09] more than Jerrica. She was taught to sing and play guitar by her dad. He's dead. He made a robot.

[15:13] Anyway, one day, she is surreptitiously...

[15:15] And her little sister is crazy about putting stuff on the internet.

[15:19] She loves posting things.

[15:20] That's her primary hobby.

[15:22] She's always Pinteresting and Periscoping and Instagramming and YouTubing and Pornhubbing

[15:28] and Pets.comming and Stamps.comming and Soap.comming and Whitehouse.gov-ing and Wikipedia.org-ing and...

[15:37] Podcasting.

[15:38] Podcasting, Yahoo-ing, Lycos-ing, Asking Jeeves.

[15:42] Angel-firing.

[15:43] Angel-firing, Geocities-ing, Netscaping, Landscaping...

[15:47] Newsgrouping.

[15:48] Landscaping, Newsgrouping, Rec.art.whatever-ing, Prodigy-ing, Darpanetting...

[15:55] What more can you do?

[15:56] I can't think of any more. Did I say America Online-ing?

[15:59] No.

[16:00] America Online-ing, You've Got Mail-ing, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan-ing...

[16:04] It's really about bookstores. Anyway, it doesn't make any sense.

[16:08] She surreptitiously records Jerrica singing and playing guitar,

[16:12] and then Jerrica says, delete it, delete it. And she says, okay, and then doesn't delete it.

[16:16] Instead...

[16:17] We've all been there. Am I right, guys?

[16:18] She posts it on the YouTube.

[16:21] What is that? I don't know what the implication is.

[16:23] I'm trying to look pretty creepy right now.

[16:26] I mean, you were creepy earlier when you did that Garth face.

[16:30] Garth face is offensive, by the way.

[16:34] Pretending to be a Garth for humor.

[16:36] It's okay for Garth. It's not okay for you.

[16:40] Garths can say that. They can say the G-word. Garth.

[16:44] That's what? Just Dana Carvey?

[16:46] And Garth Vader.

[16:48] You have to try to be kind of like a teenager, but also kind of like a turtle,

[16:52] and that's how you be a Garth.

[16:53] Yeah, teenager plus turtle equals Garth or ninja.

[16:59] The decider is if you're a mutant or not.

[17:01] The Venn diagram is Garth overlaps with turtle for teenager, but not for ninja or mutant.

[17:08] Anyway, so Jerrica's video goes viral like the plague in the stand.

[17:15] Everybody's seen it. Everybody loves it.

[17:17] Everybody's talking about, and does she call herself a gem in it?

[17:20] I don't remember where the gem name comes from.

[17:22] Her sister uploads it under gem unplugged.

[17:25] There was something about how her, like, I think her dad called her his little gem.

[17:29] Oh, and the sister knows how to spell it.

[17:32] Yeah.

[17:33] Because he was one of those guys who's great with like science, but not with writing.

[17:37] Right.

[17:38] No.

[17:39] He doesn't know how to spell the word gem.

[17:41] Like Albert Einstein.

[17:43] His novels were terrible.

[17:45] His first one's okay.

[17:46] There's a lot of sex scenes in it, but otherwise.

[17:50] It's overly wordy.

[17:51] Yes.

[17:51] We can all agree on that.

[17:52] Yeah.

[17:53] Too many flashbacks playing with time and characters.

[17:57] Pull it on the adverbs, Einstein.

[18:00] I'm a fan of his horror anthology equals MC scared.

[18:04] But he didn't write most of those.

[18:05] He just like put his name on the series, you know.

[18:09] Every now and then he'd toss in a story, you know.

[18:12] Yeah.

[18:13] Uh, so anyway, the video goes crazy and suddenly everyone wants to know who's this gem?

[18:18] Who's this gem?

[18:19] What's this gem all about?

[18:20] When are we going to hear more music from this gem?

[18:21] Gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem.

[18:23] She is an overnight sensation.

[18:26] But will become an overnight sensation if she doesn't play her cards right.

[18:30] It won't.

[18:30] Juliette Lewis, who is some kind of big record mogul, she shows up and just bustles into

[18:36] gems like this.

[18:37] You guys totally thought it was Parker Posey from the, from the bottom of her heels.

[18:41] From her legs and she was talking.

[18:43] And knowing that Parker Posey played essentially the same character in Josie and the Pussycats.

[18:47] Yeah.

[18:48] Yeah.

[18:48] Uh, I thought it was gonna be her, but it wasn't.

[18:50] It was Juliette Lewis.

[18:50] And so she's the only person who seems to be having any fun in this movie.

[18:54] Because she's playing the villain.

[18:56] I think later on when Ryan Hansen comes in.

[18:58] Oh yeah, he's pretty good.

[18:59] And also the girls seem to have fun like dressing up.

[19:01] That robot's having fun.

[19:03] That robot is having too much fun.

[19:04] He's going crazy.

[19:05] Now we're never gonna get to the robot if you don't let me.

[19:07] I'm sorry.

[19:08] Okay, so she signs Jem and the girls, her sisters, to a contract.

[19:12] But they've got to play the character of Jem and her unnamed backup band.

[19:16] Uh, there's a lot of mystery.

[19:18] Who is Jem?

[19:19] And she signs them to a contract that says you're gonna play a bunch of live performances

[19:24] as the character of Jem.

[19:25] I'm not gonna pay you till after the last performance.

[19:27] Uh, check sounds pretty fair.

[19:29] I could have a lawyer check out this contract.

[19:31] But I trust you, strange lady.

[19:32] But I'm just a kid.

[19:34] I don't know nothing about the law.

[19:36] I'm just a minor.

[19:37] You can pay me in chicken nuggets.

[19:40] It's in the contract.

[19:41] Oh, why am I negotiating against myself?

[19:43] Give me fewer chicken nuggets.

[19:44] No, what am I doing?

[19:49] Nah, I need the ghost of Daniel Webster to help me.

[19:52] Oh, this is not the kind of law I'm really familiar with.

[19:55] We didn't have a contract lawyer.

[19:58] I'm more into ghost law.

[20:00] I mean, I was just an orator. I wasn't even really a lawyer, I don't think.

[20:02] I mean, we could poke holes in the...

[20:03] No, he wasn't a lawyer. I'm sorry, he was a lawyer.

[20:06] That's a history note. That's a history note.

[20:07] We could poke holes in the, like, reality of this movie, or just kind of like...

[20:12] And we will.

[20:13] ...check our brains at the door and have fun, right?

[20:16] Yeah, come on.

[20:17] Pop some corn.

[20:18] I mean, science says that the universe is probably just a three-dimensional hologram,

[20:21] so Jem's kind of us, right?

[20:24] Which actually, I guess, does turn out to be the moral at the end.

[20:26] But, so here's the thing about this movie.

[20:28] It plays by a lot of rules that if this was an out-and-out movie musical,

[20:32] I would not be bothered by it at all.

[20:34] But because it's not a musical, it's just a movie that has music performances in it,

[20:38] I am a little bothered by it.

[20:40] So when the characters break into...

[20:41] A song that responds exactly to something that someone else has said,

[20:46] or they can suddenly harmonize when they're supposedly improvising lyrics.

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:51] Or cope with, like, a sudden catastrophe when their band breaks up.

[20:55] And that all of Jem's songs directly comment on what's going on in her career

[20:59] at that moment in the movie.

[21:01] If this was just a...

[21:02] It shows how universal Jem's music is, Elliot.

[21:05] If this was just Jem the musical, I'd be like,

[21:07] no problem, not an issue I have with this.

[21:09] If this was the bandwagon, you'd be like, yeah.

[21:12] If it was the bandwagon, I'd be like,

[21:13] this is not as good a movie as people say.

[21:16] That's true.

[21:16] But if it was singing in the rain, I'd be like, yeah.

[21:19] Wow.

[21:20] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[21:23] Because that's that yeah song, right?

[21:25] Yep.

[21:26] Yeah.

[21:26] Usher and Ludacris sing that song, yeah.

[21:31] Which one of them did the do-do-do-do part?

[21:34] I'm assuming that's Usher.

[21:35] He's got the singing voice.

[21:36] He's got the real chops.

[21:37] He's the star.

[21:38] So they get signed on this contract.

[21:39] They start playing shows.

[21:40] They're a hit.

[21:42] And the record executive's son, played by the boy next door...

[21:46] Yep.

[21:47] The boy...

[21:47] From the movie The Boy Next Door.

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:49] Oh, I thought you meant the guy who lived next door to me.

[21:52] Well, who did live next door to you?

[21:54] Yeah, his name's Wilson.

[21:55] You never see the bottom of his face.

[21:57] Boom.

[21:57] Because he's a volleyball.

[21:58] He gives me a lot of great advice, though.

[22:01] Wait, I got two Wilsons mixed up in my head.

[22:03] He gives me a lot of great advice about how to bump, how to set, how to spike.

[22:07] Oh, wow.

[22:07] Those are pretty much his three things that he knows how to do.

[22:11] Don't hit it out.

[22:13] Oh, OK.

[22:13] Good advice, Wilson.

[22:15] Well, yeah.

[22:15] Thanks.

[22:16] Oh, you're floating away.

[22:19] See you later.

[22:20] Not a volleyball, an actual person, Dan.

[22:22] Funny volleyball.

[22:24] Sure thing, Wilson.

[22:25] Sure, I'm just going to bat you like a regular ball.

[22:27] Ow, that's my head.

[22:31] And then it turns out the end is a Tyler Durden type situation,

[22:34] and you were Wilson the whole time.

[22:38] Yeah.

[22:39] Really makes you think that.

[22:40] You're thinking about it.

[22:42] Wait.

[22:42] It's called Spike Club.

[22:43] What?

[22:45] Anyway, so they find out that there's a robot that their dad built called Synergy.

[22:53] Yeah, hold on.

[22:54] This movie suddenly has a robot in it.

[22:56] He activates kind of out of nowhere, and he starts really loud.

[23:00] It looks like one of those Earth to Echoes.

[23:02] Yeah, he's a big Earth to Echo.

[23:04] He has robot ears, and he beat boxes a lot.

[23:06] He loves music.

[23:07] And clearly, batteries are not included.

[23:10] They don't need to be, because he runs on his own power.

[23:13] And when you jump into water with him and swim underwater with him, he's fine,

[23:18] even though he's protected by naught but a burlap backpack with an opening in the front.

[23:23] So he starts giving them clues for a scavenger hunt that her dad put together before he died.

[23:30] And the scavenger hunt, for whatever reason, also seems to correspond with locations that helped him with Jem's career.

[23:36] Yeah.

[23:37] To make a long story short, she starts falling for the guy who's her chaperone.

[23:42] I mean, he's a super hunk.

[23:44] The boss of the record company is meaner and meaner as time goes on.

[23:48] Jem becomes a huge sensation.

[23:51] After one show.

[23:52] After one show.

[23:53] They have another show.

[23:56] At their first show, the power goes out for some reason.

[23:58] I don't know why.

[23:59] Well, we didn't see it because Archie stepped on the controller to the Apple TV, which switched the function over to Apple TV.

[24:08] Dan, Archie was being a real that darn cat tonight.

[24:11] Archie is always that darn cat.

[24:13] I often say that.

[24:15] I say, you darn cat.

[24:16] And Archie says, meow.

[24:19] But Archie's not much of a conversationalist.

[24:21] But not like this, meow.

[24:23] He says, meow, like a human would.

[24:26] And you roll up a newspaper.

[24:27] I'm beginning to suspect Archie is a man in a cat costume.

[24:31] Like when Teller was on that episode of Dharma and Greg.

[24:34] What?

[24:35] He was like another character's cat.

[24:37] And the other characters, like our heroes, could tell it was a guy dressed up like a cat.

[24:42] But the cat's owner could not.

[24:45] That was a much more surreal show than I ever suspected it was.

[24:49] There was also an episode where they get caught pretending to be Southern in a store.

[24:53] And they just keep pretending.

[24:55] And at the end, Al Gore comes and has dinner with them.

[24:58] But not real Al Gore, like an actor playing Al Gore.

[25:03] It was a weird show.

[25:05] But anyway, they're on the scavenger hunt.

[25:09] They're at their first show.

[25:09] Anyway, our Dharma and Greg cast.

[25:11] Yeah, we want to talk more about Dharma and Greg.

[25:14] The power goes out.

[25:15] And she has seen that in this venue, there's a bunch of guitars on the wall.

[25:18] I assume victims of earlier guitar killers or performers.

[25:24] It's like the guitar player got excited after his performance and just threw it up in the air and it stuck to the wall.

[25:29] Yeah, like a constellation being formed by Hercules hurling a bear into the sky.

[25:35] And one of the guitars has a clue in it from her dad.

[25:39] And she's inspired by that to just play acoustically.

[25:41] And the show goes on.

[25:42] It's a huge hit.

[25:44] Everyone at the shows seems to know her songs before she's premiered them.

[25:48] But whatever.

[25:49] If it was a musical, that wouldn't bother me.

[25:50] Now I missed, maybe I spaced out.

[25:52] Now you said a clue.

[25:54] Did you specify that her dad has created this weird scavenger hunt?

[25:59] Yes.

[25:59] Okay.

[26:00] Now in each of these clues, there's also a message like, create your destiny or use your talents.

[26:06] Which normally, you'd have to eat a Chinese meal to get a message like that.

[26:10] But no.

[26:11] You'd have to go to the dentist and see a poster up on the ceiling.

[26:14] Normally, you'd have to get sent to the guidance counselor's office.

[26:17] But no, here you merely have to go on a scavenger hunt around LA with a robot.

[26:22] And so there's a lot of nonsense.

[26:25] They find out their aunt is possibly going to lose their home.

[26:28] Because they haven't been paid yet.

[26:29] Because they're not being paid until the end of the tour.

[26:31] And it's not the end of the tour.

[26:34] They kind of forget about that though, right?

[26:36] They kind of forget about the whole house.

[26:39] It feels like there's not a lot of steaks for most of the movie.

[26:42] No, they never eat steaks.

[26:43] Nobody eats steaks.

[26:44] Sorry.

[26:45] I jumped in on that one.

[26:47] For most of the movie, the steaks are, is Jem going to be the biggest star ever?

[26:52] Or the biggest superstar?

[26:54] Is she merely the next Madonna?

[26:56] Or is she the next Christ?

[26:57] That's the steaks.

[26:58] Until the family needs money fast.

[27:01] So she asks the boss for an advance.

[27:03] And the boss says, sure, if you sign this solo contract, we don't want the other girls.

[27:07] We just want Jem.

[27:09] And she signs it because she needs the money.

[27:11] Does she tell her family why she's doing it?

[27:13] No, of course not.

[27:14] And then they immediately break up, which is kind of great.

[27:16] Because normally in this type of movie, they would, you know, a movie about superstar rockers with their pet robot.

[27:23] They would make the lead singer, the star, kind of slowly change over time.

[27:29] And it stopped to be about the music and more like this one person show.

[27:34] But this movie does away with that.

[27:36] And they're like, we're going to have this conflict happen super fast and get it out of the way.

[27:39] Have the band break up with her.

[27:41] And then have her change her mind within like 15 minutes.

[27:44] She does a show that goes, if anything, better than the other shows.

[27:47] Like she's clearly a solo artist.

[27:49] Yeah, it's just like very like Lady Gaga performance-y thing.

[27:53] She's got a crazy outfit on.

[27:55] There's a bunch of gymnasts going around.

[27:57] There's dancers behind.

[27:59] There's full choreography.

[28:01] Nobody seems to notice that her sisters aren't there.

[28:03] No, because Jem is what they're there for.

[28:05] And frankly, the boss is making a pretty good point.

[28:09] Like there are a number of artists whose career took off when they became solo artists and left their bands.

[28:15] Give me an example.

[28:17] Andrew Jackson.

[28:19] Andrew Jackson.

[28:21] No, Michael Jackson.

[28:23] Okay.

[28:25] We were imagining that David Byrne shows up and tells her that you were right to leave that group.

[28:31] You were the talented one.

[28:33] Now you should get weird and do a lot of music that no one really wants to hear that much.

[28:37] Yeah, get together with Brian Eno.

[28:41] Or David Eno, Brian's brother.

[28:43] Yeah, the three of you.

[28:45] Get together for dinner.

[28:47] Yeah, he's usually recording albums with Stung, former singer of the Polly's.

[28:51] The Polly's, which was a polio-string cheese-based band.

[28:55] Get together with Brian Eno and just get him.

[28:59] Why don't you guys go with Blues Trapper?

[29:07] Or the Rolling Scones.

[29:10] The Rolling Scones.

[29:16] Have you heard about that new girl piano player, Millie Joel?

[29:20] Get together with Led Zeppelin.

[29:22] Led Zeppelin.

[29:24] That's not even as good as Led Zeppelin.

[29:26] No.

[29:28] I'll watch Led Zeppelin cover band.

[29:34] Okay, so what are we talking about?

[29:36] She's a solo artist.

[29:38] She goes to her old house that she grew up in.

[29:40] Because she follows the sign that her father left her, which looks eerily like an elder sign from the H.P. Lovecraft mythos.

[29:47] Yes, but it also looks like something that they drew in the cement outside their old house.

[29:51] Her sisters show up.

[29:53] Hey, the band's back together.

[29:55] And then the chaperone shows up.

[29:57] Hey, I found you guys.

[29:59] And they go, oh.

[30:00] The last clue was in some earrings that my dad gave me, but the earrings, because they were taken away when I was madeover into Jem, are in a safe for some reason at the record headquarters.

[30:10] Instead of just throwing them in the garbage, Julia Lewis has put them in a little jewelry box.

[30:16] Like a little golden sarcophagus.

[30:18] Because she thought Jem's car was in there, and so that Jem could travel safely to the other world.

[30:25] The other world being, of course, Access Hollywood.

[30:28] She's found her ca-te, Stephen King's The Dark Tower, coming to theaters soon, in her sisters and her new boyfriend.

[30:34] And they travel to this mystical place called Starlight Enterprises or whatever.

[30:39] Yeah, Starlight Records.

[30:40] Now here's something I didn't understand, is that Julia Lewis' son, who is their chaperone, he works for the company.

[30:46] His mom runs it, and you'd think he could just walk in and say, hey, I have to go up to the offices with Jem, the biggest star that we have signed to us.

[30:55] Too easy.

[30:56] But instead they sneak in and break into the office.

[30:59] Doesn't make sense.

[31:00] They break into her safe, and they find the only copy of –

[31:04] You would have thought that if you're going to do this in this movie, where you have a fucking robot character, have the robot be integral to –

[31:11] You've got a BB-8 on your hands here, guys.

[31:14] You're treating him like a BB-1.

[31:17] You're treating him like a ZZ-nothing.

[31:20] Not even a ZZ-top, a ZZ-bottom.

[31:24] ZZ-bottom.

[31:25] He's a really bearded guy who –

[31:28] He's always sleeping.

[31:32] He gets the head of an ass?

[31:34] I'm just saying I'm in the bedroom.

[31:37] With Titania.

[31:38] I'm talking about a different type of bottom than you are, Dan.

[31:40] I was talking about bottom from Midsummer Night's Dream, who's always sleeping.

[31:45] That's why it's ZZ, because it's Zs.

[31:47] That's what I was talking about too.

[31:48] Dan was talking about the sexual position.

[31:50] The one who –

[31:51] Named after the popular Shakespearean character.

[31:53] Was that what he was?

[31:54] Yeah.

[31:55] I guess I missed the scene in Midsummer Night's Dream where Titania puts a strap-on on and then does bottom.

[32:00] But now I understand why he was so surprised when he woke up.

[32:03] That's why he says, ill-met my moonlight Titania.

[32:05] He doesn't say that.

[32:06] That's Oberon.

[32:07] But for the purposes of this joke, that's why he says it.

[32:09] He says, ill-met my moon.

[32:12] Titania.

[32:14] And Oberon says, you never do that with me.

[32:17] No wonder he's so mad.

[32:19] Yeah.

[32:20] Wow.

[32:21] So we've come up with some kind of what, like penthouse porno version of Midsummer Night's Dream where Puck is called like fuck and things like that.

[32:28] Wow, I'm not even trying.

[32:30] This is for a penthouse.

[32:32] Why am I trying?

[32:34] This is like a little Annie Fanny version.

[32:36] Yeah.

[32:37] Anyway, so they get in there.

[32:39] They manage to crack the password for the safe, which is Juliette Lewis' character's name.

[32:45] That is a terrible password.

[32:46] It's like the first thing they tell you not to use is your password.

[32:49] Any professional security guy will tell you throw some numbers in there, maybe some punctuation marks.

[32:54] Don't just use your name.

[32:55] But they also find –

[32:56] Put a one, two, three after that.

[32:58] Yeah, but if you're going to do Stuart, use like a dollar sign instead of an S and like a V instead of a U and like five exclamation points because Stuart's worth it.

[33:08] You want to yell it out.

[33:11] They find a copy of his dad's will in which he leaves the whole company to him.

[33:17] It says he leaves the company to the mother, but the son has the ability to choose to take the company whenever he feels he is ready for it, which is a strangely worded clause.

[33:29] He found hippiness at the end of his life.

[33:33] And it's time for the last big Jem show, and Jem and the Holocaust – Jem and the girls are back together, and they –

[33:41] There's a couple of great little character scenes with like a valet character and then like Ryan Hansen as an overly enthusiastic security guard character.

[33:49] Yeah, and one thing –

[33:50] But you skipped over before the final –

[33:52] Like the 30 montages?

[33:54] Before the final show, there's the payoff for the big scavenger hunt where she puts her earrings in Synergy, and she's rewarded with a hologram of her dad.

[34:06] Who tells her he's proud of her and he loves her.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:09] He says, I can't believe you made all the logical leaps necessary to complete this puzzle.

[34:13] You would be great at Myst.

[34:14] Yeah, you'd be great at the old Batman series where Robin and Batman are able to put together the Riddler's puzzles.

[34:23] Yeah, there was one of the puzzles where the answer was – one of the riddles, the answer was a canary with a machine gun, and even as a kid, I was like that's not a real riddle.

[34:32] Come on.

[34:33] Yeah.

[34:34] What was the answer to the riddle?

[34:36] The answer to the riddle was a canary.

[34:37] The question was like what has wings and fires or something like that.

[34:42] Is there a canary character in the Batman?

[34:44] No.

[34:45] No, it was just a goofy thing.

[34:46] Okay.

[34:47] Because they didn't have respect for the Batman franchise.

[34:49] This is the Dark Knight Detective.

[34:50] Come on.

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:52] Rated R.

[34:53] For Robin.

[34:54] It's probably at your DVD shelf.

[34:57] Hopefully soon.

[34:58] Because there's been a shit ton of Batman movies.

[35:01] There was Batman, Batman again, Batman 2, Batman.

[35:06] What?

[35:07] Another Batman.

[35:08] Still batting it.

[35:10] Batting 2, Electric Bataloo.

[35:13] There was Batman vs. Megalon.

[35:15] There was Batman and the Temple of Bats.

[35:17] There was Batman Meets Howard the Duck Part 3, Revenge of Spock.

[35:20] Yeah, Batman back in bat.

[35:23] Yep.

[35:24] There was –

[35:25] Bat to the Future, The Batman Chronicles.

[35:27] Major League, colon, Batman's on the team now.

[35:30] There was Night Bat, Bat Knight.

[35:32] I mean that makes sense because they each –

[35:34] Oh, man.

[35:35] It's a bat.

[35:36] Is that Batman?

[35:37] No, it's not.

[35:38] Oh, wait.

[35:39] Yes, it is.

[35:40] The movie.

[35:41] Let's not forget Allison.

[35:42] Hey, remember when I said that was Batman?

[35:44] I was right.

[35:45] Hey, look behind you.

[35:46] It's Batman.

[35:47] Batman, the movie, the movie.

[35:49] Which was a movie about going to see the first Batman movie.

[35:52] There was Ratman.

[35:55] There was –

[35:56] There was Brotman about the sausage.

[35:58] There was Scatman in which Scatman Crothers breaks his teeth.

[36:02] Takes his shit on people.

[36:05] A rich playboy is sitting and he says,

[36:07] I shall dress up to scare criminals and Scatman Crothers flies through the window.

[36:12] I will become a Scatman.

[36:14] Scoobidy-bop.

[36:17] Scoobidy-doop.

[36:18] So he would saddle up to muggers and alleys and go,

[36:21] You know I was in The Shining?

[36:22] And then beat them up.

[36:26] And they hit him with an axe and he's like,

[36:28] My one weakness.

[36:29] An axe to the stomach.

[36:31] You saw The Shining, didn't you?

[36:33] So she gets a message from her dad saying he loves her.

[36:36] It takes a long time.

[36:37] And as I mentioned to you guys while we were watching it,

[36:39] I'm the only one of the Flophouse hosts who has a child.

[36:42] If anything, I should be touched most deeply –

[36:44] Damn you.

[36:45] Damn you for touching my secret pain.

[36:48] That was your secret pain?

[36:51] This whole time.

[36:52] You really wanted children?

[36:53] No, I don't know.

[36:54] Don't try and send me any.

[36:55] I don't know why.

[36:56] Nope.

[36:57] You're getting children in the mail.

[36:58] No.

[36:59] Oh, God.

[37:00] Children of the corn, that is.

[37:01] What am I going to feed them?

[37:02] That's terrible.

[37:03] They like cat food, right?

[37:04] I mean, they probably would, but don't do that.

[37:06] Okay.

[37:07] As someone with a child,

[37:09] the idea of not surviving to see them grow up and become an adult

[37:13] is terrifying to me.

[37:15] And yet, my reaction to this scene was,

[37:17] Ugh.

[37:20] Well, it doesn't help that it is interminable.

[37:23] It goes on forever.

[37:24] By that point, you just want the movie to end.

[37:26] This was a two-hour movie.

[37:28] You sat through two hours of mostly montages.

[37:30] Montages and like power pop.

[37:33] Yeah, like unrelated YouTube clips.

[37:36] Yeah, there's a lot of YouTube clips that are used sometimes as like the soundtrack.

[37:40] You have a YouTube clip of someone playing music or playing the drums or whatever,

[37:44] some dance routine, and that's used on the soundtrack to score a scene,

[37:48] and I kind of like that as a technique, even though it wasn't used great here.

[37:52] It wasn't your tempo.

[37:53] It was not my tempo.

[37:54] I kept holding my hand up, but the movie wouldn't stop,

[37:56] so I threw a chair at the movie.

[37:58] I broke your TV, Dan.

[37:59] I'm sorry.

[38:00] But the movie just takes forever.

[38:02] So they go to the final show.

[38:04] They defeat the bad person.

[38:06] They're doing the last performance, and they say,

[38:08] Hey, you know what?

[38:09] You know who Jem is?

[38:11] It's everybody.

[38:12] It's anyone who has courage in a dream.

[38:14] You are Jem, and you, and you, and you.

[38:16] Now let's rock this place.

[38:17] Just like Godzilla inside of all of us.

[38:18] Yeah, just like the end of Godzilla 2000.

[38:21] That's happened to me the last couple times I've gone to rock shows.

[38:24] The band gets up there, and they're like,

[38:27] It's you, isn't it?

[38:32] We're not Sacrifice.

[38:34] You're Sacrifice.

[38:36] Everybody cries and raises their lighters, I guess.

[38:40] They sing along and grab the person closest to them

[38:43] that they took to the Sacrifice show.

[38:48] You know, let's put the lights up on the house.

[38:50] I'm not Seal.

[38:52] You're Seal.

[38:53] I'm not Seal.

[38:54] What are you talking about?

[38:56] No, you are.

[38:57] You sang Kiss from a Rose.

[38:58] You're Seal for all legal purposes.

[39:00] Touch his skull with me.

[39:02] You're Seal now.

[39:03] And now you've got all my debt.

[39:04] You're being misfounded with me, everyone.

[39:05] I'm free.

[39:06] Free of the curse of being married to Heidi Klum.

[39:09] I think he was free of that years ago.

[39:11] I think this split up, yeah.

[39:12] Anyway.

[39:13] He's probably hanging out with Salman Rushdie,

[39:14] complaining about their former wives that are also former models.

[39:17] And reality show hosts.

[39:19] Reality competition show hosts.

[39:20] They probably have a lot to talk about.

[39:23] Seal and Salman Rushdie.

[39:29] They call him the Seal and Salmon.

[39:31] Well, Salman Rushdie calls Seal of Approval.

[39:33] And Seal calls Salman Rushdie Premium Rush.

[39:36] That's just because they're nicknames for each other.

[39:39] It runs in Being John Malkovich,

[39:41] how Charlie Sheen calls John Malkovich Malcatraz.

[39:45] It's such a funny nickname for him.

[39:48] Anyway.

[39:49] Long story short.

[39:50] The show goes great.

[39:51] The editor of Rolling Stone sidles up to,

[39:53] I guess, the new head of the record company.

[39:55] And she says,

[39:56] Hey, Jem's great.

[39:57] What's the name of the band?

[39:58] He looks down at the hologram.

[40:00] acting robot that no one else can notice and he goes now

[40:02] jamming the holograms

[40:04] smash cut credits were done

[40:07] onto

[40:08] mid-credit scene where the villain

[40:10] she goes to like an alleyway under a bridge she's deep into delta city

[40:14] territory

[40:15] yeah i'm gonna go see some skills

[40:17] yes he's she's in that's really green area where the people are like

[40:21] we don't know she's in the part of logan's run which is teenagers who

[40:24] kill each other she's in c edgar friendly and the rest of the people who

[40:27] spray-paint taco bells in the future

[40:31] and uh... she hires the misfits not

[40:35] the venomous it's again but they can't work again just which sets us up for

[40:38] against

[40:39] jay to jim in the holograms which would be the sequel that will never happen

[40:43] and we really talk about how the director's planning on spinning crossing

[40:47] this over a g i j o and transformers he has announced his intentions and

[40:50] because very often but i don't have always a new may says that in the same

[40:55] this is a little

[40:56] very often the producers of huge franchises like transformers a judge i

[41:00] will say

[41:01] yeah let's cross over with a flop of a movie

[41:03] it's the same reason that the spider and movies crossed over

[41:06] with uh... i now pronounce each other larry

[41:10] there's a huge it

[41:11] but it's true

[41:12] spider-man jack

[41:13] mhm

[41:14] he was in love with larry

[41:15] uh... weird

[41:17] uh... so that it's a little concerned that i was a bit of a movie's over and

[41:21] because we're going to long

[41:22] uh... and then we should probably again in the final judgments

[41:26] uh... and will sound positive but i don't know i want to have my best

[41:29] whether it's a good that will be a bad that will be a movie kinda like

[41:33] uh... i'm gonna say

[41:35] about this movie

[41:36] that it should have been eighty eight minutes at the most of the movie

[41:40] eighties

[41:41] uh... you know

[41:43] and it should have had that the tick-tock dot one

[41:46] i think it is the answer

[41:48] you had a crazy computer and it should have a lot more fun

[41:52] and a lot less youtube

[41:53] and it is bored the shit out of me

[41:57] so i don't really i will you know i definitely saw an episode of uh... jim

[42:01] holograms but i didn't really bring a lot of that baggage in with me and so

[42:05] it was probably a better viewing experience for you right yeah i was

[42:08] kind of put off by the sheer amount of youtube clips and the kind of

[42:12] interesting uh... cinematography with a lot of like

[42:15] handheld almost documentarian style

[42:18] uh... and

[42:20] it was still pretty boring and i don't remember much that happened

[42:24] although i was excited about a few interesting character turns but i will

[42:27] say

[42:28] bad bad movies i was excited to watch this movie by the way this was like one

[42:33] of the least

[42:34] uh... successful movies of all time this should have been a really crazy silly

[42:39] movie

[42:40] and instead it was a very by the numbers

[42:43] girl becomes a rock star movie yeah

[42:46] with a robot that projected holograms and somehow that

[42:49] didn't make the movie crazy imagine the most boring version of a robot that

[42:54] projects holograms being in a movie

[42:56] like i guess it just projects eye tests like eye charts or like test patterns

[43:01] it projects its own user agreement

[43:04] oh that is so boring and you gotta keep scrolling through it

[43:09] uh... i don't want to just click the box because uh... i don't want to say i'm agreeing to something i don't agree with

[43:14] i gotta keep it real dawgs

[43:20] yeah but this was a

[43:21] a very dull movie gem in the dull-o-grams

[43:25] gem in the telegrams? what if it was set in the nineteenth century and it was called gem in the telegrams?

[43:33] podcasts

[43:35] podcasts

[43:37] they're audio programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing

[43:42] techniques like this like this like this

[43:46] but let's face it

[43:47] all that smart stuff can be exhausting

[43:49] that's where stop podcasting yourself comes in

[43:52] it's so stupid

[43:53] it's just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for ninety minutes

[43:58] stop podcasting yourself

[44:00] the stupid show that smart people love find it on itunes or maximumfun.org

[44:06] we've got uh... some sponsors tonight

[44:09] so we're in for a little bit of flop house housework buddies

[44:14] ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

[44:16] da-da-da

[44:18] nice branding

[44:19] some home improvement music

[44:21] i haven't heard that one in a while

[44:24] tonight the flop house is supported in part by squarespace the simplest way to

[44:27] create a compelling website

[44:29] from the strange to the downright bizarre great stories to find us

[44:32] you should tell yours with simple tools and templates

[44:35] squarespace

[44:37] helps you capture your story with a captivating website

[44:40] you can start your free trial today

[44:42] by visiting squarespace dot com slash flop

[44:46] you should

[44:48] squarespace

[44:49] a rare no introductions section of dan's speech

[44:55] we didn't introduce

[44:56] the fact that this is a squarespace ad because

[44:59] why do that? ladies and gentlemen may i present to you a squarespace advertisement

[45:03] squarespace presented by squarespace uh... listeners squarespace listeners

[45:08] i'll let you guys get to know each other while i fix some drinks

[45:11] uh... so this is what it feels like to make fun of someone for

[45:14] mispronouncing something

[45:16] is that why my face is sort of an empty experience actually i find it very fulfilling

[45:21] now here's the thing my face is beet red my knees are knocking together do people

[45:25] like me or do they hate me

[45:27] uh...

[45:28] they like you

[45:29] oh that's great now just to remind people i am using squarespace for my new

[45:32] site

[45:33] uh... werner herzog's urethra dot gov

[45:35] uh... and i'm i'm

[45:37] squarespace's interface is so easy to use i don't need to know coding

[45:40] it's responsive to the different mediums

[45:42] i'm having trouble getting the dot gov suffix

[45:45] but i think i can convince prez obama to do it and if he won't prez trump will do it

[45:49] and you can load tons of pictures on that piece so people know what they're

[45:52] looking at oh yeah i mean i'm gonna have an interactive map of

[45:55] werner herzog's urethra in case you get stuck in it sometime

[45:58] uh... there's going to be an interview with his urologist

[46:01] uh... video interview

[46:02] there's going to be live streaming web footage from the camera placed inside his

[46:07] urethra this is all set up through squarespace that sounds great entirely through squarespace

[46:11] i mean there's a lot of text too

[46:12] i mean there's

[46:14] excerpts from his peeing diary a lot of people don't know that werner herzog keeps a

[46:17] piss diary of every time he urinates it's something he picked up from klaus kitzke

[46:21] and uh...

[46:23] it's just going to be a really really exciting site and there's also that

[46:26] squarespace there's that one section that's all just like your favorite quotes

[46:30] from historical figures about urethras

[46:34] oh that's what they're about i just thought they were all inspirational so i

[46:37] want you guys to know that also

[46:40] listeners at home

[46:41] the flop house is also supported supported

[46:43] i don't know what happened

[46:46] what have you wrought

[46:47] oh no

[46:49] oh that stupid gypsy

[46:51] mccoy they don't like to use the word gypsy mccoy syndrome is catching

[46:55] that stupid romani

[46:56] thank you

[46:57] ray romani from everybody who loves romani

[46:59] what's the deal with that seinfeld

[47:02] is that ray romano doing an impression of seinfeld

[47:06] i'm talking about seinfeld

[47:09] okay we've had some laughs here tonight but the flop house is supported in part

[47:13] let's get serious for a moment

[47:15] let's buckle down

[47:16] uh... because the flop house is supported by

[47:19] is supported by mac wheldon

[47:22] now here at the flop house we like to be comfortable you know it when we finish

[47:27] recording at night and get ready to climb into our giant three-person bed

[47:31] we like to slip into some

[47:33] comfortable clothes

[47:36] comfortable underclothes that's what mac wheldon provides

[47:41] am i making you guys uncomfortable

[47:44] a little bit okay well mac wheldon will make you feel very comfortable

[47:47] they provide comfortable underwear

[47:50] socks sweats

[47:51] they look great and feel

[47:53] fantastic

[47:56] speaking as someone who's wearing mac wheldon under things right now they are

[47:59] very comfortable but you are making me uncomfortable now your comfort is very

[48:02] important both to me stewart from the flop house and a mac wheldon

[48:06] that's why if you don't like your first pair of underwear

[48:10] you can keep it and they will still send you a refund

[48:13] no questions asked

[48:15] like here at the flop house

[48:18] wait we're going to refund people for the unused portion of their podcast yeah but

[48:22] they don't pay anything so it's okay

[48:25] it's me mac wheldon hey buddy

[48:28] me mac just saying underpants are what i like to think about underpants on you

[48:34] now what are you guys waiting for why don't you go

[48:36] over to

[48:38] uh... mac wheldon dot com to get twenty percent off

[48:42] by using the promo code

[48:44] flop

[48:45] f l o p it's very comfortable clothing and i want to say before we even uh...

[48:51] had them as a sponsor i had some mac wheldon socks

[48:54] and uh...

[48:55] you know that you're an adult when you stop being disappointed

[49:00] when you uh... get new socks and start being excited when you get new socks

[49:03] and i was extra excited when i got these mac wheldon socks because they are

[49:08] sharp looking and they are durable and they're comfortable

[49:11] i want to get real with you guys for a second can i get real with you

[49:14] uh... okay

[49:15] is it possible

[49:19] so when i got my first pair of mac wheldon underwear in the mail

[49:22] i put them on but i accidentally put them on inside out and they still felt

[49:26] really great i don't know how that's possible to do

[49:29] you really had like a i'm a bad little boy face on when you said that

[49:33] who cares deal with it

[49:36] they are very very comfortable underwear i don't play by your rules

[49:39] so dan why don't you just tell them to use the promo code

[49:43] yeah use the promo code flop to get twenty percent off now don't go to mac

[49:47] whelding dot com you cannot fix a mac computer with a welding torch i learned

[49:51] that the hard way

[49:53] go to mac wheldon that's m-a-c-k

[49:56] w-e-l-d-o-n dot com

[50:00] But we have a couple of messages up on the Jumbotron this week.

[50:04] First off, the Let Me Listen family of podcast productions.

[50:09] Well, I'll explain the Jumbotron afterwards.

[50:12] This is like the second time we've done it.

[50:13] So people won't be like, what's that?

[50:14] Explain it to me, Dan. I'm dumb.

[50:17] All right. Yeah, Stuart's on the Jumbotron.

[50:20] No, let me give you through these first of all.

[50:22] Wow, overruled. I'll get back. This judge won't allow it.

[50:27] So we got a couple messages on the Jumbotron.

[50:29] This first one is listen to the Let Me Listen family of podcast productions,

[50:33] the storytelling comedy brawl podcast,

[50:35] Let Me Finish, the tardy movie review podcast,

[50:38] Late Seating, and the improv comedy podcast series,

[50:42] American Monsters and How to Destroy Them.

[50:45] And you can listen to these by searching for the Let Me Listen podcast

[50:49] on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher, or visit our website,

[50:53] www.letmelistenpodcast.com.

[50:56] That's L-E-M-M-E, listen, podcasts.

[51:02] And we have another message.

[51:04] Yeah, go bend your ear to those guys.

[51:06] For another podcast.

[51:07] And whatever.

[51:09] Blue, who cares?

[51:10] The Greatest Generation is a Star Trek podcast

[51:12] by two guys who are a bit embarrassed to have a Star Trek podcast.

[51:16] Every Monday and Wednesday, Ben and Adam catch you up on an episode of Star Trek,

[51:20] The Next Generation, and a nostalgic look at a seminal television show.

[51:25] And by seminal, we're talking about what Riker's leaving behind on the holodeck.

[51:28] Gross.

[51:28] Oh, gross.

[51:31] You don't have to watch the show to enjoy the podcast,

[51:33] so join the thousands of listeners who already do

[51:35] and subscribe to The Greatest Generation now.

[51:38] And you can do that by going to The Greatest Generation on iTunes

[51:42] or at gagh.biz.

[51:47] And if you want to get a message up on the Jumbotron, it's easy.

[51:51] Go to maximumfund.org forward slash Jumbotron.

[51:55] And for $200 for a commercial message or $100 for a personal message,

[52:01] you can get a little promotion at a reasonable price.

[52:05] And you get to hear our sweet voices say stuff.

[52:07] Well, Dan's sweet voice.

[52:09] And we interrupt him.

[52:10] That's part of the game.

[52:12] You interrupt a good game, boy.

[52:14] But now you, sir, can I have a question for you?

[52:17] He interrupted Angus Scrimm.

[52:20] Bear with me for a little bit longer,

[52:23] because I know that we've done a lot of—

[52:24] Is that bear going to be with you a little bit longer?

[52:27] I hope so, because that bear is Gooby.

[52:31] And he's a magical bear that I love very much.

[52:35] And he helps me foil Eugene Levy.

[52:38] I can't remember what happened to that movie.

[52:39] Did they cover Eugene Levy with foil?

[52:41] I actually didn't see that episode.

[52:42] Or I wasn't here for that episode.

[52:44] Was Eugene Levy even in Gooby?

[52:46] He was definitely in that.

[52:47] Okay.

[52:48] I remember him being lifted off the ground by a crane,

[52:51] but that could be—

[52:52] That could be any number of Eugene Levy movies.

[52:55] That could be, what, bringing down the house?

[52:56] Well, that's not where he was straight tripping, boo.

[52:59] All right.

[53:00] No, I just wanted to say one last message,

[53:03] and that is the 2016 MaxFunDrive is just around the corner.

[53:08] In fact—

[53:09] You can see it on the horizon from where ye standin'.

[53:12] Ahoy!

[53:14] Two bells.

[53:15] Ahoy, McCoy.

[53:16] You should join us for the best two weeks in podcasting

[53:19] and show your support for the Flophouse and Maximum Fun.

[53:23] We're going to have a great MaxFunCon episode next episode.

[53:27] The next episode is also what?

[53:30] Our 200th episode.

[53:31] What?

[53:33] What have I done with my life?

[53:35] We've got something crazy planned,

[53:39] and we've got a very special guest.

[53:42] It's finally the all-nude episode we're doing.

[53:45] Finally.

[53:47] I've been all nude.

[53:48] We're going to put down a tarp and just see what happens.

[53:52] Eww.

[53:53] A lot of rainwater's going to collect in weird places.

[53:57] Yeah, it's our 200th episode.

[53:58] 200 episodes.

[54:00] So now we get to go into syndication, right?

[54:02] That's what happens?

[54:03] Yeah, that's exactly what happens.

[54:04] We're going to be on—

[54:05] That's when the money starts to roll it in.

[54:06] We're going to be on TBS in the middle of the day.

[54:08] Yep, us and Supernatural and Las Vegas

[54:11] with the main character, Danny McCoy.

[54:13] Coming up next—

[54:14] What?

[54:15] Wicked.

[54:16] And then, The Flophouse.

[54:19] But yeah, you should look forward to the 200th—

[54:22] No, no, Charmed, I think.

[54:23] —200th episode.

[54:25] Wicked is a Broadway show.

[54:26] Charmed is the—

[54:26] Charmed is also a Broadway show.

[54:28] Aw, damn.

[54:30] We've got a great show planned.

[54:32] I'm very excited for next—

[54:33] I can tell. You sound excited.

[54:36] You've dialed it up all the way to three.

[54:39] What's the use?

[54:41] Why bother?

[54:42] This has been Eeyore with The Flophouse.

[54:46] You know me. That's a Dan McCoy 11.

[54:48] You know me? You don't know my family.

[54:51] I'm Dan McCoy.

[54:53] You know me, everybody. I hate everything.

[54:57] I'm like Marvin the Android, but a person.

[54:59] He hates everything.

[55:00] And you know me.

[55:01] Seabiscuit, the world's most popular whore.

[55:04] Plus the horse who announces himself.

[55:06] Well, I gotta go.

[55:07] Wow.

[55:07] We have all these reoccurring characters this episode

[55:10] before our 200th episode.

[55:12] We really should save them for the 200th.

[55:14] But, uh, so we've got—

[55:17] The excitement that comes with yawning while talking.

[55:20] I just get really happy with Seabiscuit stuff.

[55:24] So we've got exclusive gifts for new and upgrading members

[55:27] during the MaxPlanet Drive.

[55:28] We've seen some, and they look cool.

[55:30] They are amazing.

[55:32] We can't talk about them just yet,

[55:33] but there's one at the $10 a month level

[55:35] that I'm particularly excited about.

[55:37] It's got Dan cream in his jeans.

[55:39] No, don't ever say that.

[55:41] That's horrible.

[55:44] And he's wearing a pajama pants,

[55:46] so it's factually inaccurate.

[55:49] I remember hearing that phrase for the—

[55:51] or seeing that phrase for the first time.

[55:53] And like, it was like a porn ad

[55:56] in the back of a National Lampoon magazine.

[55:59] Creaming your jeans.

[56:00] And I was like,

[56:01] eww, this disgusts me,

[56:05] but I'm, you know, 12 years old,

[56:07] so it also arouses me in a strange way.

[56:10] I'm definitely ordering it,

[56:11] but it's disgusting.

[56:12] And because it's National Lampoon,

[56:13] you're cracking up with all that jizz

[56:15] squirting out of your wiener.

[56:17] I'm cracking up with the way that they really—

[56:19] I don't like any of this.

[56:20] Cracking up with the way they really—

[56:22] they're sticking it to the Nixon administration.

[56:24] Oh.

[56:27] Anyway—

[56:28] I mean, if you were reading an old National Lampoon,

[56:29] then yeah.

[56:30] It was an old National Lampoon.

[56:31] You can't—

[56:32] It was a modern one.

[56:34] It would be behind the Times,

[56:36] 1973 issue of National Lampoon.

[56:38] I was reading a modern National Lampoon's

[56:41] Naked Miles, American Pies.

[56:43] Presents road trip.

[56:45] Vacation.

[56:47] It's just an animated screenplay.

[56:51] But, so mark your calendar for the MaxFunDrive.

[56:55] It all starts March 14,

[56:57] and don't miss out on the excitement.

[56:59] But—

[56:59] Or March 14th,

[57:01] as people usually say when they talk about dates.

[57:04] One last thing before letters.

[57:06] Just a lot of quick thank yous for—

[57:08] we got a lot of gifts in the Flophouse flop bag this week.

[57:13] Thanks to Stacey Edwards for the care package.

[57:17] Thanks for the HP Lovecraft movies

[57:20] from Andrew, last name withheld.

[57:23] Those are very exciting.

[57:24] Oh, awesome, yeah.

[57:25] McCall of Cthulhu,

[57:26] The Whisperer in Darkness.

[57:29] That's McCall of Cthulhu I've seen.

[57:30] That one's really good.

[57:31] Thanks for the HP—

[57:33] Sorry, thanks for the Blu-ray of the Boogans for Stuart

[57:36] from someone named Crang the Mbooband.

[57:41] That, wait a minute.

[57:42] That sounds great.

[57:43] I can't wait to watch that shit.

[57:45] Thank you.

[57:46] What cultural heritage do you think that is?

[57:48] Boogans?

[57:49] I think it's Polish.

[57:53] Thank you to Ben Newman for the copy of his new book,

[57:57] which is amazing.

[57:57] Ben Newman is—

[57:59] he's been on—

[58:00] we've mentioned him on the show before.

[58:02] He did the—

[58:04] what was the—

[58:04] the April O'Neil pinup art from many, many episodes ago.

[58:11] You had a couple people you wanted to thank.

[58:13] Oh, yeah.

[58:13] I want to say thank you to Adam Goldberg for the—

[58:18] I think it's a DVD copy of No Escape.

[58:21] Hopefully, maybe we'll give it a watch sometime soon.

[58:24] Not the Ray Liotta No Escape, the new one.

[58:26] No, that would be inappropriate for the podcast

[58:29] because that's a good, great movie.

[58:32] And I'd also like to put out a extra thank you to Eric North,

[58:38] listener Eric North, who was kind enough to send along some very lovely gifts.

[58:43] Mine is a framed poster of the Masters of Horror series

[58:48] with many autographs—artigraphs.

[58:52] I'm already thinking about my favorite autograph on there,

[58:54] which is Dario Argento's, which is written Argento Dario.

[58:58] Because he's white Japanese.

[59:01] And likewise, thank you for my gift from that—

[59:04] the signed copy of Talking Head 77, which is amazing.

[59:08] Yeah.

[59:09] And I got a signed picture of Groucho Marx, which is astounding.

[59:12] There will probably be pictures showing up on the Internet.

[59:14] But once again, thank you, Eric North.

[59:15] That was far too kind of you, sir.

[59:16] That was way too generous.

[59:18] We have done literally nothing to deserve that.

[59:20] And lastly, I would like to thank Nathan Raven,

[59:23] the originator of the phrase Manic Pixie Dream Girl,

[59:27] for the signed picture of Orlando Bloom and Kristen Dunst from Elizabethtown.

[59:32] Whoa, I know at least one person who would fight you for that.

[59:36] His name's Orlando Bloom.

[59:38] He's just trying to destroy all evidence of Elizabethtown.

[59:41] He will shoot you full of arrows.

[59:44] But finally, sorry for the long housekeeping this week,

[59:47] the Flophouse housekeeping, as Stuart has branded it.

[59:50] Flophouse housework, sir.

[59:51] Oh, sorry.

[59:52] Ra-Row.

[59:54] Uh-oh!

[59:57] I said Ra-Row, sir.

[1:00:00] That's how you say it.

[1:00:00] And things. Yeah.

[1:00:02] But Stuart, I said rah-rah.

[1:00:04] But now it's time for everyone's favorite segment.

[1:00:08] Letters.

[1:00:11] So this first letter.

[1:00:13] Yeah, let's bring the letters on.

[1:00:14] Is from Ethan, last name withheld.

[1:00:17] Hawke.

[1:00:18] Ethan Hawke.

[1:00:20] Or from.

[1:00:21] And it goes like this.

[1:00:22] Will the letter to us.

[1:00:26] What a Gattaca guy.

[1:00:29] He wrote it before sunset or sunrise.

[1:00:33] Or there was a real daybreaker.

[1:00:36] He was dazed and confused.

[1:00:38] He slipped that song in while I wasn't paying attention.

[1:00:40] No, he wasn't in that.

[1:00:41] But reality bites.

[1:00:42] He was in that.

[1:00:44] Boyhood.

[1:00:47] Boyhood.

[1:00:50] So.

[1:00:51] Coast of Utopia at Lincoln Center.

[1:00:54] Letter goes like this.

[1:00:55] My wife is a nurse.

[1:00:56] And a year ago she told me about a disorder.

[1:00:58] She told me about a disorder that makes it feel like you have worms in your scrotum.

[1:01:02] Oh.

[1:01:03] Instantly I knew if I ever had a question for the Flophouse.

[1:01:05] I could open with some joke about wormy boners.

[1:01:07] And maybe the Cryptkeeper has this disorder.

[1:01:09] But now that I look it up, it's actually super gross.

[1:01:11] Yeah, it sounds horrifying.

[1:01:12] So let's move on.

[1:01:13] You know, it sounded like it was pretty fun.

[1:01:15] And then I looked it up.

[1:01:17] With that amazing opening gambit.

[1:01:18] I think with Crypty it's probably okay because he's a decaying corpse.

[1:01:21] So.

[1:01:22] Yeah.

[1:01:23] With that amazing opening gambit.

[1:01:24] A little like a real gallows humor, you know.

[1:01:27] Next question.

[1:01:28] I'm a screenwriter and I recently got to pitch some ideas.

[1:01:30] One of which was a supernatural fantasy adventure.

[1:01:32] So bonkers and high concept.

[1:01:34] That I was really just testing the limits of what I could get away with.

[1:01:37] I assumed it was an instant, oh fuck no.

[1:01:39] But shockingly that was one of the only ideas that got the go ahead.

[1:01:43] So now I'm paralyzed with terror.

[1:01:45] This idea sounds exactly like a premise for a future episode.

[1:01:47] My greatest fear as a writer.

[1:01:49] But apparently there's potential in it.

[1:01:51] Do you have any overarching tips for how a script can avoid the pitfalls of bad, bad.

[1:01:55] And even good, bad.

[1:01:57] What's the thin line that separates a flop from a movie you actually really like?

[1:02:00] Help me floppers, you're my only hope.

[1:02:02] Ethan, last name withheld.

[1:02:04] So how to avoid writing a movie that shows up on the flop house.

[1:02:10] It's tough because I feel like there's so many levels.

[1:02:13] Between the finished script product and the final product.

[1:02:17] Yeah, script is such a kind of prototype.

[1:02:20] As the Oscars showed us by having screenwriting be one of the first, if not the first award this year.

[1:02:27] It was the first award this year.

[1:02:29] But they do that sometimes.

[1:02:30] They put out a relatively major award or important award at the beginning to get you interested.

[1:02:35] But the structure this year was to show you the lifespan of a film from beginning to end.

[1:02:39] Yeah, that was theoretically the structure.

[1:02:41] Yeah, but it also, the first element that they showed going into that magic movie projector in the beginning was courage.

[1:02:46] And I was like, fuck you Oscars.

[1:02:49] Forget this.

[1:02:51] But I think I still put it down to, we've got to put something at the beginning.

[1:02:55] That's why best supporting actress so often is like really early on.

[1:02:57] So don't start your movie with an opening monologue from your character explaining some table.

[1:03:03] Yeah, that's the main one.

[1:03:04] Yeah, my mother always told me, there's a prophecy.

[1:03:07] And don't make your character a chosen one because that robs him or her of any sort of personal agency in the story.

[1:03:13] Begin the movie in media res.

[1:03:16] How about this?

[1:03:17] Don't assume the audience needs to know everything.

[1:03:20] But assume they need to know important stuff for the plot later down the road.

[1:03:25] A lot of our movies we see either over-explain stuff that's not necessary or they don't explain anything.

[1:03:31] And you're like, who are these people?

[1:03:32] What's going on?

[1:03:33] A thing that should not be explained at all, if you can help it, is character.

[1:03:36] You should not have a character explain to another character what one character is about.

[1:03:40] We should see what the character is about.

[1:03:42] Characters should still be welcome, right?

[1:03:44] Oh, sure.

[1:03:45] This is the USA after all.

[1:03:47] It's always funny.

[1:03:49] Wait.

[1:03:50] That's CBS.

[1:03:51] We're always on, never off.

[1:03:52] But they know drama.

[1:03:53] TNC.

[1:03:54] So do all those things.

[1:03:56] It's not CBS HBO.

[1:03:57] But I think the most important thing is to try to toe the balance between being original but not so original that your movie makes no sense.

[1:04:09] We should be able to relate to something in it, but it should surprise us in some way so that we can't guess what the ending is 15 minutes in.

[1:04:19] Yeah, I mean if your basic structure will work even if you take all the fantasy elements out, you're probably doing the right thing.

[1:04:27] So that's our genuine not-that-funny answer to your question.

[1:04:32] We did all that shit where we did characters welcome and stuff.

[1:04:35] That's hilarious.

[1:04:36] Kind of.

[1:04:37] People are fucking rolling in their seats.

[1:04:39] They're rolling in their seats because they're Weeble Wobbles.

[1:04:42] They can't fall down.

[1:04:44] People are rolling in the deep out there.

[1:04:46] Because they're on Molly.

[1:04:48] Anyway, so...

[1:04:51] Couldn't see my face just then, but it was complete.

[1:04:54] What was that all about?

[1:04:56] This one goes like this.

[1:04:58] As one of your few loyal Scottish listeners, I have to congratulate you on the super great job you did of capturing my native brogue.

[1:05:05] Not since Mike Myers-Schreck or Christopher Lambert in Highlander has the Scottish accent sounded so natural.

[1:05:10] I dare say your mastery of the Scots tongue is even on par with local boy James McAvoy's American accent in Wanted.

[1:05:17] Cheers, guys.

[1:05:19] Craig, country withheld.

[1:05:21] So, thank you for...

[1:05:24] Ah, many thanks to ye.

[1:05:27] We're a bunch of Scottish fellas.

[1:05:30] Oh, wow, that was pretty good.

[1:05:31] Yeah, see, I thought I was practicing.

[1:05:34] It's me, Scrooge McDuck.

[1:05:36] That's pretty good.

[1:05:38] Of Scotland.

[1:05:39] Sounds like a Russian mobster who killed Scrooge McDuck and was trying to impersonate him.

[1:05:43] It's me, Scrooge McDuck.

[1:05:46] Give me all of your blue jeans.

[1:05:49] I lost key to a money bin.

[1:05:52] It's very important.

[1:05:54] Beagle Boy's hat on tail.

[1:05:57] Please.

[1:05:59] Please, magic of the spell is behind with much wanting for my wonder wand dive.

[1:06:06] I have been out with much use mowing of ducks, and now I will launch Pad McQuack into bin.

[1:06:12] Yes?

[1:06:13] Da.

[1:06:14] I mean, yes.

[1:06:15] I mean, ah.

[1:06:16] Aye.

[1:06:19] Lafroig.

[1:06:22] Boise Moy.

[1:06:24] So why did that letter about Scotland turn into us doing Russian accents?

[1:06:27] Because we're more comfortable with that accent.

[1:06:29] I guess so.

[1:06:30] Clearly.

[1:06:31] So this next episode.

[1:06:34] This next episode of Letters.

[1:06:37] Letters is filmed for a live studio audience.

[1:06:40] Letters.

[1:06:42] Previously on Letters, I'm from Scotland, and I like the Scottish accent you did.

[1:06:46] Bang, bang, bang.

[1:06:48] Someone's killed a letter.

[1:06:52] Today on Letters, she wrote.

[1:06:56] So in this one episode, Elliot referred to the episode of Saved by the Bell.

[1:07:01] Are we in the letter now?

[1:07:02] Yeah.

[1:07:04] Or are you just reassociating?

[1:07:07] Are you even reading a letter?

[1:07:09] Like, we'll look at the fucking page afterwards, and I'll be blank, and we'll be like, oh, my God, what happened?

[1:07:14] He's been inventing the letters the whole time.

[1:07:16] They were never real.

[1:07:18] Nobody likes Dan.

[1:07:20] This is an even messier episode than normal.

[1:07:22] Mark Messier.

[1:07:23] In one episode, Elliot.

[1:07:24] I'm just taunting my brother.

[1:07:26] Elliot referred to the episode of Saved by the Bell, or SBTB, as we bellheads like to call it.

[1:07:32] Yeah, that's good.

[1:07:34] Savies.

[1:07:35] Where Zach finds out that he's 164th Native American.

[1:07:38] He says that there's no B plot, which is super weird, because the B plot is so much crazier than the A plot.

[1:07:43] Holy shit, dudes.

[1:07:44] No way.

[1:07:45] What was the B plot?

[1:07:46] I don't remember.

[1:07:48] Environmentalist liberal lady finds out that she's 164th slave fucking trader.

[1:07:54] Apparently her great-grandparents or whatever captioned the slave ship.

[1:07:57] She spends the whole episode trying to make it up to Lisa Turtle, who is black, by, I don't know, carrying her books or some shit.

[1:08:03] Oh, yeah, I remember that.

[1:08:04] Lisa Turtle weirdly doesn't seem to care at all.

[1:08:06] It's wicked bonkers.

[1:08:07] Ryan, last name withheld.

[1:08:08] Why would Lisa Turtle care?

[1:08:10] No.

[1:08:11] She's very wealthy.

[1:08:12] Yeah.

[1:08:13] Come on.

[1:08:14] Her family were probably slave owners, too.

[1:08:16] In a way, she is enslaved, screech.

[1:08:19] With the power of love.

[1:08:21] With her siren song.

[1:08:22] The sweetest slavery.

[1:08:25] Says, oh, sweet turtle, thou singest so well.

[1:08:29] Pull thyself into thine shell, but take me with you.

[1:08:32] I will share those tight confines until the end of time.

[1:08:36] That's the end of the couplet that he wrote her.

[1:08:40] But thank you for that, I guess.

[1:08:42] Slow and steady may win the race, sweet turtle, but I shall win your heart.

[1:08:49] I am no jack rabbit, though I will jack off to your picture in the yearbook.

[1:08:54] Love, screech.

[1:08:56] Those couplets were also reappropriated for the Entourage TV show.

[1:09:01] Sweetest turtle.

[1:09:03] Greatest of all the four dudes or five dudes, I don't remember.

[1:09:07] However many there are in the Entourage.

[1:09:12] How backwards thou cappest.

[1:09:18] Thou once twirst out, but now I find thine weight has much droppeth.

[1:09:26] So stupid.

[1:09:28] How gooest thine tequila business.

[1:09:34] So this last letter.

[1:09:36] Dear Flophouse Management.

[1:09:39] I am writing you to inquire about your Flophouse rates.

[1:09:42] How much does it cost for a bed for the night and do you require payment in advance?

[1:09:46] I am a little tramp who has been looking after an adoption kid for the past five years.

[1:09:50] I am currently on the run from the authorities after they showed up at our house

[1:09:53] and tried to take the kid to an orphanage.

[1:09:55] Fortunately, I climbed over some rooftops and jumped down to beat the guy in the back of their truck

[1:09:59] and thus I successfully escaped.

[1:10:00] Hopefully, your Flophouse can now provide us with a reasonably priced bed for the night,

[1:10:05] and won't try to kidnap the kid to get the $1,000 reward for the police station.

[1:10:09] If your Flophouse doesn't allow children, that's okay, as I can sneak in through the

[1:10:13] side window when you're not looking.

[1:10:15] I hope you are kind and sympathetic, Flophouse, and that our shenanigans will bring a smile

[1:10:19] to your heart, and perhaps a tear, and you will not be tempted to turn us in to the authorities

[1:10:24] for the ample reward you would receive.

[1:10:26] I anxiously await your reply.

[1:10:29] Yours most truly, Charlie Lastname Withheld.

[1:10:31] P.S.

[1:10:32] Do not read this letter out loud, because it's only 1921, and talkies have not been

[1:10:36] invented yet.

[1:10:37] I think we were just fanfictions, guys.

[1:10:41] The Fictionists.

[1:10:45] That was fanfiction for the movie Dutch, right?

[1:10:48] Starring Ed O'Neill?

[1:10:49] Yeah.

[1:10:50] Those two start out at odds, but then they learn to respect one another, goddammit.

[1:10:57] Yeah, once he starts showing him those nudie cards that he has with him.

[1:11:00] I remember that part.

[1:11:02] That was The Kid.

[1:11:03] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:04] Disney?

[1:11:05] Disney's The Kid?

[1:11:06] Billy the Kid meets Dracula.

[1:11:07] It was Disney's The Kid, starring Bruce Willis as the grown-up version of The Kid.

[1:11:10] With, like, an airplane on the cover of that.

[1:11:13] I have to assume that the state of Charlie Chaplin was like, Disney, you're not calling

[1:11:15] that movie The Kid.

[1:11:16] Call it Disney's The Kid.

[1:11:18] Yeah, there's an airplane and stuff.

[1:11:20] Yeah.

[1:11:21] And for some reason, I think they were playing Wild Wild West in the soundtrack in the commercials.

[1:11:26] Yeah.

[1:11:27] That's one of the many movies that I have a very distinct memory of, like, the DVD cover

[1:11:32] to it, but I have no idea what the movie's about at all.

[1:11:36] Is that the one where there's angels in the outfield?

[1:11:39] No, you're thinking of Fletch.

[1:11:44] So you're thinking of the one where there's a rookie of the year.

[1:11:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I am thinking of.

[1:11:49] When he was the rookie in the Little Big League.

[1:11:51] Yeah, exactly.

[1:11:52] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:53] And there's that orangutan that plays baseball.

[1:11:55] It was a chimpanzee.

[1:11:56] The orangutan was a bellboy.

[1:11:57] What are you talking about?

[1:11:58] Oh, okay.

[1:11:59] He checked in.

[1:12:00] No, wait.

[1:12:01] Dunstan was a chimpanzee, too.

[1:12:02] Dunstan can check in, but he can never check out.

[1:12:05] Oh, no.

[1:12:06] We're going to kill Dunstan.

[1:12:09] The big green.

[1:12:10] Anyway, that was another kid's sports movie.

[1:12:12] So thank you to all of the letter writers.

[1:12:18] We appreciate it.

[1:12:19] May your pens ever be filled with ink.

[1:12:24] May your computers ever be able to type letters on them.

[1:12:30] I thought Stewart's was much more eloquent.

[1:12:32] Mine's more accurate.

[1:12:33] Ken Hartfeld, you laughed at me.

[1:12:36] I take it back now.

[1:12:37] I take it back.

[1:12:39] So this is the last segment of the podcast where we recommend movies.

[1:12:42] It's called Sleepy Dreams.

[1:12:44] That's where we discuss what we'll be dreaming about tonight.

[1:12:46] Okay.

[1:12:47] I'm going to dream that we're all in a rock and roll band, but the lead singer is my toddler

[1:12:51] son.

[1:12:52] Okay.

[1:12:53] I'm going to dream that I'm the biggest sensation superstar, but I still have to cut up his food

[1:12:56] for him.

[1:12:57] I'm going to dream that we live inside a sandwich that a giant eats.

[1:13:00] No, that's frightening.

[1:13:01] It's going to be very scary.

[1:13:03] I guess the trick will be to eat as much of the sandwich as I can before the giant's teeth

[1:13:06] mush me into paste.

[1:13:07] So I'll get a little bit of enjoyment.

[1:13:08] If I'm going to die now, my last moments will be spent full of sandwich.

[1:13:13] I'm taking you with me, giant.

[1:13:14] Bang, bang, bang.

[1:13:15] He would shrug off those bullets.

[1:13:18] No, but he's firing them from inside his mouth.

[1:13:20] Yeah, that's right.

[1:13:21] Oh, okay.

[1:13:23] I don't have a horror style.

[1:13:24] I mean, it didn't work in that, but there's a giant in that movie.

[1:13:28] I need to watch it.

[1:13:29] It's called The Giant vs. The Little Shop of Horrors.

[1:13:32] It makes the shop look that much littler.

[1:13:34] So this is the part of the podcast where we're recommending the movie we actually like as

[1:13:37] opposed to Jim and the Holograms.

[1:13:41] I'm going to recommend a movie that's kind of along the same theme.

[1:13:44] It's called Jim and the Holograms.

[1:13:47] So all you cowpokes and cowgirls out there, I'm going to recommend a movie called Slow

[1:13:53] West.

[1:13:54] Now, Slow West is a little Western movie.

[1:13:57] Because of the robot with the holograms in Slow West?

[1:14:00] Yeah.

[1:14:01] So Slow West came out last year.

[1:14:03] There was a robot with holograms.

[1:14:05] It's an artsy little Western movie, and it follows a lovesick young man who is on his

[1:14:15] way West after the love of his life, who has run off to the West with her father, running

[1:14:23] from the law.

[1:14:24] And he falls in with a grim bounty hunter with a mysterious past played by one Michael

[1:14:32] Fassbender.

[1:14:33] Along the way, they run into a variety of interesting characters, including the guy

[1:14:40] whose name just slipped out of my head, but was great in Bloodline and some other stuff.

[1:14:45] And it is a movie that has kind of a grim but interesting sense of humor, and it's shot

[1:14:55] well, and it's acted well.

[1:14:58] And I would recommend it if you're looking for a Western that is a little bit different.

[1:15:04] I rewatched a movie recently that I've seen several times before, but still held up like

[1:15:13] gangbusters, and that is Miller's Crossing, the Cullen brothers film that is one of my

[1:15:21] favorites.

[1:15:22] It is a movie that the first time I saw it, I was less than impressed by, but I think

[1:15:31] it's a movie that you have to watch once kind of to just understand what's happening in

[1:15:37] it, because it's got a very convoluted plot, and you have to just sort of figure out what

[1:15:44] everyone's motivations for doing everything is.

[1:15:47] But once you have that, you can focus on the characters.

[1:15:53] You can sort of speculate about what deeper emotions are sort of under the surface of

[1:16:05] each of the characters in each of the scenes as they make the choices that they make.

[1:16:09] And it's a very violent movie.

[1:16:15] It's a very exciting movie.

[1:16:17] It's a noir based in part on The Glass Key, and also I think a little bit on Red Harvest.

[1:16:23] There's a lot of Red Harvest in there.

[1:16:27] The General Dashiell Hammett oeuvre.

[1:16:29] Yeah.

[1:16:30] But I recommend it quite a lot.

[1:16:33] It's a very sort of poetic movie for being a gangster film, and it's beautifully shot

[1:16:38] among other things.

[1:16:41] I remembered who I was thinking of.

[1:16:43] His name's Ben Mendelsohn.

[1:16:44] Yeah.

[1:16:46] I'm going to recommend a movie that I feel is on similar themes to Gem in the Holograms.

[1:16:51] Okay.

[1:16:52] It is also about women coming of age in a way after dealing with the death of a father

[1:16:57] and having to live with an aunt.

[1:16:59] And it's called Crea Cuervos.

[1:17:01] It's directed by Carlos Sora, and it's from the mid-70s.

[1:17:05] And it's about these three sisters.

[1:17:08] The middle sister is eight years old, and she's the main character.

[1:17:11] And their father dies, and they're sent to live with an aunt who's trying to take care

[1:17:18] of them best as she can, but she's having trouble because the middle sister is really

[1:17:22] still grieving for the death of their mother, which happened a little bit earlier.

[1:17:26] And she is kind of drifting through life and has a number of strange experiences.

[1:17:32] She has kind of visions of her mother speaking to her, and she finds a lot of solace in this

[1:17:41] one pop song called Por Que Te Vas that plays a couple times and is very catchy.

[1:17:49] But it's a real like one of these movies from the 70s where I feel like there was this

[1:17:55] international explosion for whatever reason in movies that kind of captured what it feels

[1:18:00] like to be a child at various either happy or unhappy points in your life.

[1:18:04] And this is one of those, and I really liked it a lot.

[1:18:07] And it kind of captured for me what it is like to be a young child who is not connecting

[1:18:13] with the world around them.

[1:18:14] There's a lot in it that's also allegorical about Spain under Franco in the 70s, but we

[1:18:20] don't really have to get into that.

[1:18:21] That's nothing.

[1:18:22] You can watch it.

[1:18:23] Let's dig into it.

[1:18:24] Like in The Devil's Backbone?

[1:18:25] Kind of, except that's set in the 30s, isn't it?

[1:18:28] Yeah, I think you're right.

[1:18:29] But you don't have to know anything about Spanish history to get something out of it.

[1:18:33] Things about the movie might make more sense to you.

[1:18:36] But it was really good, and I recommend it.

[1:18:39] Cria Cuervos.

[1:18:40] So, we did it.

[1:18:43] Come to the end of it all.

[1:18:45] Next time.

[1:18:46] This is a perfect episode.

[1:18:47] No flubs.

[1:18:48] No jubs.

[1:18:49] Not a single jub.

[1:18:51] Except for just now when you said the word jub.

[1:18:55] That was the first flub.

[1:18:57] Oh, wow.

[1:18:58] Okay.

[1:18:59] So, 98%.

[1:19:00] That's not bad.

[1:19:01] That was 2% of all the words said in the episode.

[1:19:06] It was the word jub, because we said 50 words.

[1:19:13] We're known for being tight.

[1:19:15] Tight and concise.

[1:19:16] This almost an hour and a half long podcast.

[1:19:19] So, you can go to a feature length film, just put on this podcast, and it would be like

[1:19:26] when, what's that band you like so much?

[1:19:29] The Flaming Lips?

[1:19:30] You know that song that you like so much?

[1:19:32] Wait, what?

[1:19:33] You should go to that Microcosmos and just put on their record, and you're like, this

[1:19:37] is great.

[1:19:38] Yeah, you should go to a movie that's about 90 minutes long.

[1:19:42] And pretend this is the DVD commentary, and see how it matches up.

[1:19:48] I mean, it really only works for Jim and the Holograms.

[1:19:50] Well, and only barely, then.

[1:19:53] A lot of this movie is not about letters.

[1:19:55] I don't understand why they're talking about it.

[1:19:57] You can find a movie where it's like...

[1:20:00] Dark Side of the Moon and Wizard of Oz, where it matches up perfectly.

[1:20:04] Or Microcosmos, which I just talked about.

[1:20:08] The bug documentary?

[1:20:09] Yeah, yeah, that's what the Flaming Lips did.

[1:20:11] I didn't know that.

[1:20:12] Oh really?

[1:20:13] Yeah, yeah.

[1:20:14] Isn't Soft Bulletin supposed to match up with Microcosmos?

[1:20:15] I prefer My Lips in Flammable.

[1:20:18] Oh.

[1:20:19] Well.

[1:20:20] Dan.

[1:20:21] The ball's in your court.

[1:20:23] I gotta check out that Microcosmos thing, because 420, dude!

[1:20:26] Oh my god, you're still blazing!

[1:20:28] Oh man, tank buds!

[1:20:29] Oh, he's not too high to call back.

[1:20:31] Yeah, goodnight everyone, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:20:35] Oh, I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:37] And I think I'm Elliot Kalin, let me check, yes.

[1:20:39] I wrote my name on the label of my Mack Weldon underpants.

[1:20:42] Goodnight everyone.

[1:20:49] Sam Neill, in what dimension would you not need eyes?

[1:20:51] I don't know, the first dimension?

[1:20:54] Wait, which is Flatland?

[1:20:56] Flatland is 2D, right?

[1:20:58] Yeah, I guess.

[1:20:59] Or maybe it's, no, maybe it's, no, I think it's 2D, yeah.

[1:21:02] Man, Arch, you are gonna be a fuckin' problem.

[1:21:05] I was thinking about arching.

[1:21:07] Archie, get down.

[1:21:10] Maximumfun.org

[1:21:13] Comedy and culture.

[1:21:14] Artist owned.

[1:21:15] Listener supported.

[1:21:18] I'm Allegra Ringo, a dog owner.

[1:21:20] And I'm Renee Colbert, a dog wanter.

[1:21:21] And we host a show called Can I Pet Your Dog?

[1:21:24] The podcast for unapologetic dog lovers.

[1:21:27] You can find us every Tuesday on Maximumfun.org or on iTunes.

[1:21:30] So, now what is this?

[1:21:31] Is this just a podcast where all we do is talk about dogs?

[1:21:34] Sort of.

[1:21:35] We definitely have a segment called Dogs We Met This Week,

[1:21:37] where we tell you about, you know, dogs we met this week.

[1:21:40] We also have a segment called Dog Heroes,

[1:21:42] as well as Cool Dog Tech and Stupid Dog Tech.

[1:21:45] We also have some of your favorite celebrities.

[1:21:47] Lin-Manuel Miranda, who did Hamilton, has been a guest.

[1:21:50] We've got Leslie Margarita.

[1:21:51] We've had Nicole Byer, Ann Wheaton.

[1:21:54] All the best dog related celebrities.

[1:21:57] So, check us out every Tuesday on Maximumfun.org or on iTunes.

[1:22:00] Can I pet your dog?

[1:22:02] Can I pet your dog?

[1:22:03] This is Renee and Allegra.

[1:22:04] C-I-T-Y-D.

[1:22:07] Yeah!

Ep. #199 - Jem and the Holograms

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