Ep. #199 - Jem and the Holograms

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Jam and the Holograms.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] Dan, I noticed you went out of your way not to say Jim and the Holograms, as your accent would normally do.

[0:09] Or Jam and the Holograms.

[0:10] Which sounds delicious.

Dan McCoy

[0:12] But that meant I said holograms kind of weird.

[0:14] Yeah, it does.

[0:15] Because I was concentrating on the first part.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:46] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:48] Greetings and salutations, Dan McCoy.

[0:50] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] Alright.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] I'm Elliot Kalin, and I don't know why Stuart was doing that weird voice just now.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] Stuart was trying out his new nerd character.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] For a second, I thought you were Garth from Wayne's World.

[0:59] Yeah, if you saw his face.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] He was definitely doing one of those Garth tight-lipped little...

[1:05] He was doing a Garth face.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] This is a comedy show, guys.

[1:07] I wanted to add another character to the cornucopia of personalities that comes spilling forth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] The rogues gallery that is the Flophouse.

[1:15] So you started to add copyrighted and trademarked character Garth Algar.

Dan McCoy

[1:20] Garth Algar.

[1:21] I think that's his last name.

[1:22] No, it is.

[1:23] Makes him sound like a science fiction author.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] Yeah.

[1:27] Or anyone else who has a name.

[1:31] Good point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] He's got you there.

[1:34] Other people have names, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] Not just science fiction authors.

[1:38] All those authors of literary fiction were like, I wish people could know who wrote my book,

[1:42] but I don't have a name.

Dan McCoy

[1:43] I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] So it just says Literary Drone 47.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] I apologize if I cough a lot during this episode.

[1:51] I'm getting over a cold.

[1:52] And you're totally blazed.

[1:54] Yeah, that's right.

[1:56] 420, dude.

[1:57] Is it that late already?

[1:59] That's right.

[2:00] We're recording this at 420 in the a.m.

[2:03] On April 20th.

[2:04] I don't know why I chose this time.

[2:09] Seems like a bad idea all around.

[2:11] And I got stoned for it.

[2:13] Doubly bad.

[2:16] So if you didn't want to sleep before, you certainly do now.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] Oh, boy.

[2:19] And wait, so when you get totally high, you don't want to just work and do stuff like Snoop Dogg?

[2:27] Take a couple of gravity bong rips and just...

[2:29] Is that the secret of his productivity?

[2:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:32] He's like Popeye with spinach.

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] Pro-dogtivity.

[2:35] Perfect.

[2:35] Now, the real problem is that you're so high that your hand is trapped in a bag of Doritos.

[2:40] If you just let go of all those Doritos, you'll be able to pull your hand out of there.

Dan McCoy

[2:43] But you refuse to let go of them.

[2:45] Look, I can even get those sweet Doritos.

[2:47] No, but your hand's...

[2:48] Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

[2:50] They're going to taste so good once I get them out there.

[2:51] Were they like the spicy, sweet chili flavor?

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] Why are they sweet Doritos?

[2:54] No.

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] It's Doritos.

[2:59] The new Doritos that just have sugar all over them.

[3:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] They're called kettle Doritos.

[3:04] Okay, they're kettle Doritos.

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] Explain the rest of this chip snack to me, Dan.

[3:09] This chip snack.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] They combine the sweet and savory.

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] Okay, of like kettle corn?

[3:14] Yeah, exactly.

[3:14] Not like kettle chips, which would make way more sense.

Dan McCoy

[3:19] See, I forgot that there was a thing called kettle chips.

[3:21] We all did.

[3:22] It's the missing piece of that puzzle.

[3:24] Yeah, that was...

[3:25] You solved it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] Okay, I guess I'll be seeing you in prison.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Another episode over of Stuart Wellington's snack detective.

[3:36] One more question.

[3:38] Were those nachos cheesier?

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] All that powdered sugar on your hands is from a miniature donut.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] A miniature donut.

[3:47] You've been taking real donuts and shrieking them, haven't you?

Dan McCoy

[3:50] I have a...

[3:51] Detective, I have a snack convention to get to.

[3:54] Oh, that makes sense.

[3:54] That makes sense.

[3:55] I hear it's not easy being cheesy.

[3:57] That's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] It's not powdered sugar on my hands.

[4:00] It's cocaine, I swear.

[4:01] Oh, that feels so weird in my nose.

[4:04] You're a drug addict.

[4:05] But that's illegal too, so I'll take you in for that.

[4:08] Damn, my alibi was also illegal.

[4:10] Wait, the first thing was illegal?

Stuart Wellington

[4:12] Yeah, this is the universe where powdered sugar is illegal.

[4:15] Oh, man.

[4:16] Thanks, I don't know, Aldous Huxley?

Elliott Kalan

[4:19] The name of a science fiction author.

[4:21] Looks like that's our show, folks.

[4:23] Good night, everybody.

[4:23] Thanks for coming to UCB's ASCAT.

[4:26] We'll see you next Sunday.

[4:27] Now, the show is free, but you do have to pay to leave.

[4:30] Here's the bucket of truth.

[4:31] We're going to pass it around.

[4:32] I haven't been to one of those shows in years, and I remember all the patter.

[4:35] Wow.

[4:36] Okay, so normally we do...

[4:38] For local humor.

Stuart Wellington

[4:38] This is normally a show where we talk about...

[4:40] Yeah, in New York, the biggest city in America, so...

[4:42] So, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] Okay.

[4:45] Let's start over.

[4:46] Thanks for resetting for us.

[4:47] It was the way he said his name that sidetracked us.

[4:51] Dan, you're coughing a lot.

[4:52] Are you blazed?

[4:54] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[4:55] So, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[4:59] In this case, we watched a movie called Jim and the Holograms.

[5:03] Jim and the Holograms.

Stuart Wellington

[5:05] That's where somebody eats graham craggers that are not actually there.

[5:08] It's just an image.

Dan McCoy

[5:10] I thought you said the graham craggers were hollow.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] Oh, that would make more sense.

[5:13] Like a bird's bones.

[5:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:16] Based on the popular 80s cartoon of the same name.

[5:20] What?

[5:21] Jim and the Holograms.

[5:23] The Snorks?

[5:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] I guess they did make a cartoon, right?

[5:27] Rubik's Amazing Cube.

Dan McCoy

[5:29] It's my favorite one.

[5:30] Where Rubik's Cube is an alien that can transform into different things.

Elliott Kalan

[5:33] Yeah.

[5:34] When you get the colors like a car.

[5:35] Often a car.

Dan McCoy

[5:36] I think you're making that up.

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] I don't remember that one.

[5:38] Rubik's Amazing Cube is a real one.

[5:40] I still don't believe it.

[5:41] Here's not a real one.

[5:42] The Squimps.

[5:43] How about the one?

[5:43] The Squimps are lovable little characters that are very marketable.

[5:47] I'm willing to sell you the rights.

[5:48] Cheap.

[5:49] They're all sexual predators, though.

[5:53] Okay.

[5:53] That explains why they're cheap.

[5:54] So the show can't be near children.

[5:56] Okay.

[5:57] That's the only problem.

Stuart Wellington

[5:59] Okay.

[6:00] Well, we'll just put it on Netflix.

[6:01] There's no children there, right?

[6:03] You're mistaken.

[6:04] What about YouTube?

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] Kids don't know that.

Stuart Wellington

[6:06] It's called a segue because this movie's all about YouTube.

Elliott Kalan

[6:09] Now, I want to make a-

[6:10] It's all about you, tube.

[6:12] I'm not tube.

[6:14] I know I look like a tube because of the diet I've been on.

[6:17] The tube diet.

[6:19] Now, here's- I'm going to make an astonishing admission.

[6:22] Okay.

[6:22] I don't know that I've ever actually watched an episode of Gem and the Holograms.

[6:26] When I was in my 20s, suddenly people started talking about it as if it was a show everyone

[6:31] remembered from when they were kids.

[6:33] I didn't remember it at all.

[6:34] This is only something I've experienced through other people's nostalgia for it.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] Now, this is something that I did watch, but I've got very vague memories of.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] And now, I have very strong memories about other shows that no one remembers, like Dino Saucers.

[6:46] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:46] Or that Mr. T cartoon where he hung around with a bunch of gymnasts for some reason.

[6:50] Well, everyone remembers that one.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] Or Dino Riders.

[6:52] A lot of them are dinosaur-based cartoons.

[6:55] What about Denver, the Last Dinosaur?

[6:56] Of course.

[6:57] Denver, the Last Dinosaur.

[6:58] He's my friend and a whole lot more.

[6:59] Sure, I remember that one.

[7:00] Wait a minute.

[7:01] Wait, wait, wait.

[7:02] Slow down.

[7:02] I thought it was my friend.

Stuart Wellington

[7:04] You son of a bitch.

[7:04] No, that's the more.

Elliott Kalan

[7:05] He's everyone's friend.

Stuart Wellington

[7:06] What's a whole lot more mean?

[7:07] That seems creepy.

[7:08] We're lovers.

[7:09] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] We're not just friends.

[7:12] Me and that guitar-playing dinosaur that I found in a cave and I are an item.

Stuart Wellington

[7:17] That would be difficult because dinosaurs aren't known for having overly dexterous fingers.

[7:21] I don't know.

[7:23] There are a lot of dinosaurs with thumb-like opposable claws.

[7:26] Oh, okay.

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:27] So they could have invented, I don't know, a meteor to strike the planet and kill themselves?

[7:31] You're saying it was all a plot?

[7:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:33] This is your spare change style conspiracy video?

[7:36] Yeah.

[7:38] I'd say maybe go check out the giant dino-kyrus claws at the Museum of Natural History.

[7:43] I'm probably pronouncing it wrong.

[7:44] But Dan, so Gem of the Holograms, you did watch it.

Dan McCoy

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] Now, what I remember is, and this could be totally wrong, but here's what I remember.

Stuart Wellington

[7:52] Oh, we'll, we'll, somebody will fact check it and nicely send us an email explaining how

[7:56] we were possibly wrong.

[7:57] Probably my brother.

Dan McCoy

[7:59] Yeah.

[7:59] Gem was like this sort of high-powered business lady, maybe.

[8:03] Mm-hmm.

[8:03] And she had a computer called Synergy.

Elliott Kalan

[8:06] She's a real Sigourney Weaver and working girl type.

Dan McCoy

[8:08] That turned her into a truly outrageous pop star.

[8:12] And then there were the misfits.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] So it's like she has it all.

[8:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:16] It's like business by day, party at night.

[8:18] Mm-hmm.

[8:19] Yeah.

[8:19] But she needs to keep her secret identity secret for some reason.

[8:22] Because rock star.

[8:23] Like a real Hannah Montana situation.

[8:25] And the misfits, whose, as, whose songs are better, say the, say themselves in the theme

[8:32] song.

[8:32] Of course they'd say that.

[8:33] I mean, Walk Among Us is a great album.

[8:35] We're always trying to undermine Jam.

[8:38] And that's all I remember.

[8:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] Now, we may have talked about this before on the podcast, how dumb I think it is that the

[8:45] are the villain in the show, but that was a real band already.

[8:50] Yeah.

[8:51] And the producers of the show, I assume, knew this?

[8:53] Or maybe they didn't.

[8:54] Yeah.

[8:54] I mean, they could have just logged onto the internet and found out.

[8:58] All they'd do is check Spotify.

Dan McCoy

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:00] I mean, you can't copyright a name.

[9:02] So they're like, maybe we can just borrow some of this.

[9:03] I mean, the band walks among us.

[9:05] So you mean I could just start a band called The Beatles tomorrow?

[9:08] Sure, man.

[9:08] If you had the wherewithal.

[9:10] If you had the guts.

[9:11] Oh, I was bitten by a withal.

Stuart Wellington

[9:12] And now when there's a full moon, I've become a wherewithal.

[9:15] FYI, you just have to spell Beatles with two E's.

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] Like the animals?

[9:21] Yes.

[9:21] Gross.

Dan McCoy

[9:22] Like the animals who sang House of the Rising Sun.

Elliott Kalan

[9:25] Well, I mean, that's a traditional folk song.

[9:29] Yeah, folk sing it.

[9:31] Yeah, folks like the animals.

Dan McCoy

[9:33] So that's what I know.

[9:34] Between Alan Price.

[9:35] It was much more, it was a science fiction-y, pop star-y show.

[9:39] Okay.

[9:39] About a truly outrageous singer.

[9:40] Okay.

[9:41] Truly, truly outrageous.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] I mean, there was elements that necessitated it to be a cartoon show, right?

[9:47] Yeah.

[9:47] Well, for one thing, it was for kids.

[9:49] I mean, there was tons of shows for kids that weren't cartoons.

[9:52] You're right.

[9:52] California Dreams.

[9:53] I remember it being my hometown, it was Happy the Hobo.

[9:57] Where a hobo-like clown had a variety show and had kids on.

Dan McCoy

[10:02] I may be wrong, but I remember it being a little more soap opera-y than the usual cartoon,

[10:07] in that I think it had continuing storylines.

[10:10] Oh.

[10:11] Which made me interested in it, even though I was a boy.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] No, Captain Caveman had no continuing storylines.

[10:15] But he did have a club that had a little bird that came out of it.

[10:18] Well, it was like a little bit of radar dish.

Stuart Wellington

[10:20] Yeah, it was like he had Inspector Gadget, but instead of being an entire man, Inspector Gadget was just his club.

[10:27] Yes, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] It was more of a dynamite type situation.

[10:31] Okay.

[10:31] Where all the robo stuff is in a dog.

[10:34] Okay.

[10:38] So, Jem and the Holograms, the show, was some kind of science fiction-y stuff about it.

[10:42] Truly outrageous.

[10:43] You say that, I assume she says that, or it's in the cartoon.

[10:45] It's in the song.

Dan McCoy

[10:46] There's an element of...

[10:47] Jem is her name.

[10:48] No one else is the same.

[10:49] Jem is her name.

[10:50] Jem.

Elliott Kalan

[10:51] This really doesn't tell you a lot about the character.

Stuart Wellington

[10:54] There's some female empowerment to it, yeah?

[10:58] Well, it's set on a world where women rule and men are slaves.

[11:01] And men rule.

[11:02] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[11:03] It's called Earth.

[11:05] Think about it, boys.

[11:07] You blew my mind.

[11:10] But this is not a science fiction movie.

[11:12] This is...

[11:12] Well...

[11:13] Unless you believe that you...

[11:14] Yeah.

[11:15] This YouTube world we live in.

[11:16] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[11:16] Unless a beatboxing robot who projects holograms is science fiction, which it is.

[11:21] This is a movie that is not science fiction except for one very specific element.

[11:25] The aforementioned beatboxing robot with holograms.

[11:28] All right.

Dan McCoy

[11:28] Let's say it's not science fiction for the first...

[11:30] Science faction.

[11:31] Like analog.

[11:32] For the first 40 minutes where there is no robot.

[11:35] Okay.

[11:36] Because it eliminates the whole, like...

[11:38] The double life stuff is...

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] A cold glass of lemonade.

[11:42] All the double...

[11:42] Rest in peace, Chico Marx.

Dan McCoy

[11:44] All the double life stuff is basically just because, like, Jim is too shy to...

[11:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:49] There's no plot reason.

[11:50] Well, and it's a marketing thing.

[11:52] Anyway, let's say what the movie is about, huh?

[11:54] Okay.

[11:54] The movie opens with a bunch of YouTube clips.

[11:56] A bunch of YouTube clips of kids just rocking out on music.

[11:59] Playing music, man.

[12:00] Just talking about how important music is to them.

[12:03] Music's their boyfriend.

[12:04] It's their king-sized bed.

[12:05] All that stuff.

[12:05] Anyway.

[12:06] Leaving Britney alone.

[12:07] All that stuff.

[12:08] We are introduced to Jerrica, our main character, who is a young singer who has very little...

[12:13] Who has a weird name.

[12:14] Her main personality trait is that she has a weird name and she's a good musician.

[12:19] Yeah.

[12:19] Now, her dad was an inventor who was working on a robot named Synergy.

[12:23] Okay.

[12:24] And I...

[12:24] Is there something in the cartoon called Synergy?

[12:27] I think that's what the computer is called.

[12:28] Is that the hologram robot or something?

Dan McCoy

[12:30] The computer that turns Jim into a rock and roll star.

[12:35] A rock and roller.

[12:36] A real rolling rocker.

[12:38] A rolling rocker.

[12:39] A rolling rocker who drinks rolling rock.

Elliott Kalan

[12:40] She drinks a lot of rolling rock.

[12:41] Yeah.

[12:41] She loved those little commercials that Mark Lynn Baker did.

[12:44] Where he was like a rolling rock professor.

[12:46] What?

[12:47] Do you not remember those?

[12:47] He was a professor...

[12:48] He was a beer professor?

[12:49] It was like he was a professor of history or something.

[12:52] These were from like 15 years ago.

[12:53] Maybe 16 years ago.

[12:55] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[12:56] So, in the cartoon, could Jim always play music and only the computer turned her into a totally outrageous person?

Dan McCoy

[13:03] You are really overestimating my memory of this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] So, Dan, act out an episode for us.

[13:08] Okay.

[13:09] Yep.

[13:10] Knock, knock.

[13:11] It's me, Jim.

[13:12] Hello.

[13:12] Weird.

[13:13] Structured like a joke.

[13:14] I like it.

[13:15] Jim who?

[13:16] Jim and the holograms.

[13:18] The end.

[13:19] Deek.

[13:20] It's just the animation logo at the end.

Dan McCoy

[13:23] For some reason, it still has Inspector Gadget putting the little I dot in Deek.

Elliott Kalan

[13:30] Yeah, yeah.

[13:31] I mean, because you don't lose a character like that.

[13:32] No.

[13:33] And the old Marvel animation logo with Spider-Man dropping down on the Marvel logo.

[13:37] Those are the Muppet babies a lot.

[13:39] So, where were we at?

Dan McCoy

[13:42] You're saying the Muppets and Spider-Man share the same universe.

[13:45] It's all part of the MCU, dude.

[13:46] I mean, Disney owns both, so yes.

[13:48] All right.

[13:49] I like, I would like to see that crossover.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] I mean, wait like six months and it'll probably happen.

[13:57] But it'll be in a video game where Mickey is a wizard or something.

[14:01] And by Mickey, I mean Mickey Dolan from the Monkees.

[14:06] Voice of Arthur on the Tick.

[14:09] Right.

Dan McCoy

[14:10] Okay.

[14:11] Okay.

[14:11] That's a fact.

Dan McCoy

[14:11] Cartoon version.

[14:12] About a thing that's true.

[14:14] Anyway.

[14:14] That's what a fact is.

[14:15] Jerrica.

Elliott Kalan

[14:16] Jerrica.

[14:17] That's a fact about a thing that's true.

[14:18] That's what a fact is.

[14:19] So, Jerrica is a girl.

[14:21] Her dad passed away, but before that he was working on a robot.

[14:25] She and her younger sister live with her aunt, played by...

[14:28] Molly Ringwald.

[14:29] Mm-hmm.

[14:29] 80s star.

[14:30] Gem herself, basically.

[14:31] She, at the right time, she would have been Gem.

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] But now, unfortunately, because of Hollywood's ageism, she cannot play Gem.

[14:39] She can only look kind of like Carol Burnett in movies like this.

[14:43] Now, they live with her aunt, Molly Ringwald, and her aunt's two foster daughters who have...

[14:51] I don't remember what their names are.

[14:51] Aja.

[14:52] Aja.

[14:52] Named after the Steely Dan album.

Stuart Wellington

[14:54] Right?

[14:55] And who is the other one?

[14:56] I don't remember, because she's not named after Deacon Blues.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] Two against the world.

[15:03] And so, they like to sing.

[15:07] They like to hang out.

[15:08] But no one likes to sing and play guitar more than Jerrica.

[15:10] She was taught to sing and play guitar by her dad.

[15:12] He's dead.

[15:12] He made a robot.

Stuart Wellington

[15:13] Anyway, one day, she was surreptitiously...

[15:15] And her little sister is crazy about putting stuff on the internet.

[15:19] She loves posting things.

[15:21] That's her primary hobby.

Elliott Kalan

[15:22] She's always Pinteresting and Periscoping and Instagramming and YouTubing and Pornhubbing and Pets.comming and Stamps.comming and Soap.comming and WhiteHouse.gov-ing and Wikipedia.org-ing and...

[15:37] Podcasting.

[15:39] Podcasting, Yahoo-ing, Lycos-ing, Asking Jeeves.

[15:42] Angel-firing.

[15:43] Angel-firing, Geo-Cities-ing, Netscaping, Landscaping.

[15:47] News-grouping.

[15:48] Landscaping, News-grouping, Rec.art.whatever-ing, Prodigy-ing, Darpanetting.

[15:55] How many more can you do?

[15:56] I can't think of any more.

[15:58] Did I say America Online-ing?

[15:59] No.

[16:00] America Online-ing, you've got mailing, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan-ing.

[16:04] It's really about bookstores.

[16:06] Anyway, it doesn't make any sense.

[16:08] She surreptitiously records Jerrica singing and playing guitar, and then Jerrica says,

[16:13] delete it, delete it, and she says, okay, and then doesn't delete it.

[16:16] Instead...

[16:17] We've all been there, am I right, guys?

[16:18] She posts it on the YouTube.

Dan McCoy

[16:21] What is that?

[16:22] I don't know what the application is.

[16:23] I'm trying to look pretty creepy right now.

[16:26] I mean, you were creepy earlier when you did that Garth face.

[16:30] Garth face is offensive, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[16:34] Pretending to be a Garth for humor.

Dan McCoy

[16:36] It's okay for Garth.

[16:38] It's not okay for you.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] Garths can say that.

[16:41] They can say the G word.

[16:42] Garth.

Stuart Wellington

[16:44] What?

[16:45] Just Dana Carvey?

[16:46] And Garth Vader.

Dan McCoy

[16:48] He can also dress up as a turtle.

Stuart Wellington

[16:48] You have to try to be kind of like a teenager, but also kind of like a turtle, and that's

[16:52] how you be a Garth.

[16:53] Yeah.

[16:54] Teenager plus turtle equals Garth or ninja.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] Yeah.

[16:58] The real...

[16:59] The decider is if you're a mutant or not.

[17:00] The Venn diagram is Garth overlaps with turtle for teenager, but not for ninja or mutant.

[17:08] Anyway, so Jericho's video goes viral like the plague in the stand.

[17:15] Everybody's seen it.

[17:16] Everybody loves it.

[17:17] Captain Trips.

[17:17] Everybody's talking about...

[17:18] And does she call herself a gem in it?

[17:20] I don't remember where the gem name comes from.

Stuart Wellington

[17:22] Her sister uploads it under gem unplugged.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] There was something about how her...

[17:26] Like, I think her dad called her his little gem.

[17:29] Oh, and the sister doesn't know how to spell.

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] Yeah.

[17:32] Because he was one of those guys who was great with, like, science, but not with writing.

[17:37] Right.

[17:38] No.

Dan McCoy

[17:39] He didn't know how to spell the word gem.

[17:41] Like Albert Einstein.

[17:43] His novels were terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[17:45] I mean, his first one's okay.

[17:47] There's a lot of sex scenes in it, but otherwise...

[17:49] It's really...

[17:50] It's overly wordy.

[17:51] Yes.

[17:51] We can all agree on that.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] Yeah.

[17:53] Too many flashbacks playing with time and characters.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] Pull it on the adverbs, Einstein.

Elliott Kalan

[17:59] I'm a fan of his horror anthology equals MC Scared.

[18:04] But he didn't write most of those.

[18:06] He just, like, put his name on the series, you know.

[18:09] Every now and then he'd toss in a story, you know.

[18:12] Yeah.

[18:13] So anyway, the video goes crazy.

[18:16] And suddenly, everyone wants to know, who's this gem?

[18:19] Who's this gem?

[18:19] What's this gem all about?

[18:20] When are we going to hear more music from this gem?

[18:22] Gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem, gem.

[18:23] She is an overnight sensation.

[18:26] But will become an overnight sensation.

[18:29] If she doesn't play her cards right, it won't.

[18:31] Juliette Lewis, who is some kind of big record mogul, she shows up and just bustles into gem's life.

[18:37] You guys totally thought it was Parker Posey from the bottom of her heels.

[18:40] It always was her feet.

[18:41] From her legs and she was talking.

Stuart Wellington

[18:43] We thought it was Parker Posey.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] And knowing that Parker Posey played essentially the same character in Josie and the Pussycats.

[18:47] Yeah.

[18:48] Yeah.

[18:48] I thought it was going to be her, but it wasn't.

[18:50] It was Juliette Lewis.

[18:51] And so she...

Dan McCoy

[18:52] She's the only person who seems to be having any fun in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] Because she's playing the villain.

[18:56] I think later on when Ryan Hansen comes in, I think he's having fun.

[18:59] Oh yeah, he's pretty good.

[18:59] And also the girls seem to have fun like dressing up.

[19:02] That robot's having fun.

[19:03] That robot is having too much fun.

[19:05] He's going crazy.

[19:06] Now we're never going to get to the robot if you don't let me.

[19:07] I'm sorry.

[19:08] Okay, so she signs Jem and the girls, her sisters, to a contract.

[19:12] But they've got to play the character of Jem and her unnamed backup band.

[19:17] There's a lot of mystery.

[19:18] Who is Jem?

[19:19] Who is Jem?

[19:19] And she signs them to a contract that says, you're going to play a bunch of live performances

[19:24] as the character of Jem.

[19:25] I'm not going to pay you until after the last performance.

[19:27] Oh, checks out.

[19:28] Sounds pretty standard.

[19:30] I could have a lawyer check out this contract, but I trust you, strange lady.

[19:33] But I'm just a kid.

[19:34] I don't know nothing about the law.

[19:36] I'm just a minor.

Dan McCoy

[19:37] You can pay me in chicken nuggets.

Elliott Kalan

[19:39] It's in the contract.

[19:41] Oh, why am I negotiating against myself?

[19:43] Give me fewer chicken nuggets.

[19:44] No, what am I doing?

[19:49] I need the ghost of Daniel Webster to help me.

[19:52] This is not the kind of law I'm really familiar with.

[19:55] We didn't have a recording contract.

[19:56] I'm not really a contract lawyer.

Dan McCoy

[19:58] I'm more into ghost law.

Elliott Kalan

[20:00] I mean, I was just an orator.

[20:01] I wasn't even really a lawyer, I don't think.

[20:02] I mean, we could poke holes in me.

[20:03] No, he was a lawyer.

[20:04] I'm sorry.

[20:04] He was a lawyer.

[20:05] That's a history note.

[20:06] That's a history note.

Stuart Wellington

[20:07] We could poke holes in the reality of this movie.

[20:12] And we will.

Elliott Kalan

[20:13] Or just kind of like, check our brains at the door and have fun, right?

[20:16] Yeah, come on.

[20:17] Pop some corn.

[20:18] I mean, science says that the universe is probably just a three-dimensional hologram, so Jim's

[20:22] kind of us, right?

[20:23] Mm-hmm.

[20:24] Which actually, I guess, does turn out to be the moral of the end.

[20:26] But here's the thing about this movie.

[20:28] It plays by a lot of rules that if this was an out-and-out movie musical, I would not be

[20:33] bothered by it at all.

[20:34] But because it's not a musical, it's just a movie that has music performances in it, I am

[20:39] a little bothered by it.

[20:40] So when the characters break into...

Dan McCoy

[20:41] A song that responds exactly to something that someone else has said, or they can suddenly

[20:46] harmonize in when they're supposedly improvising lyrics.

[20:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:50] Or cope with a sudden catastrophe when their band breaks up.

[20:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] And that all of Jim's songs directly comment on what's going on in her career at that moment

[21:00] in the movie.

[21:01] If this was just a...

[21:01] It shows how universal Jim's music is, Elliot.

[21:04] Yeah.

[21:05] If this was just Jim the musical, I'd be like, no problem, not an issue I have with this.

[21:09] If this was the bandwagon, you'd be like, yeah.

[21:12] If it was the bandwagon, I'd be like, this is not as good a movie as people say.

[21:16] That's true.

[21:16] But if it was Singing in the Rain, I'd be like, yeah.

[21:19] Wow.

[21:20] Do-do-do-do.

[21:22] Do-do-do-do-do.

Stuart Wellington

[21:23] Because that's that Yeah song, right?

[21:25] Yep.

[21:26] Yeah.

[21:26] Usher and Ludacris sing that song Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] Which one of them did the do-do-do-do part?

[21:33] I'm assuming that's Usher.

Stuart Wellington

[21:35] He's got the singing voice.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] He's got the real chops.

[21:37] He's the star.

[21:38] So they get signed on this contract.

[21:39] They start playing shows.

[21:40] They're a hit.

[21:42] And the record executive's son, played by The Boy Next Door.

[21:46] Yep.

[21:47] From the movie The Boy Next Door.

[21:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:49] Oh, I thought you meant the guy who lived next door to me.

Stuart Wellington

[21:52] Yeah.

[21:53] Oh, who did live next door to you?

[21:54] Yeah, his name's Wilson.

[21:55] You never see the bottom of his face.

[21:57] Boom.

[21:57] Because he's a volleyball.

[21:58] He gives me a lot of great advice, though.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] Wait, I got two Wilsons mixed up in my head.

[22:03] He gives me a lot of great advice about how to bump, how to set, how to spike.

[22:07] Oh, wow.

[22:07] Those are pretty much just three things that he knows how to do.

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] Don't hit it out.

[22:12] Oh, okay.

[22:13] Good advice, Wilson.

[22:15] Well, yeah.

[22:15] Thanks.

[22:16] Oh, you're floating away.

[22:19] See you later.

[22:20] Not a volleyball, an actual person, Dan.

[22:22] Funny volleyball.

Dan McCoy

[22:24] Sure thing, Wilson.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] Sure, I'll just get a bat you like a regular ball.

[22:27] Ow, that's my head.

[22:31] And then it turns out the end is a Tyler Dernan type situation, and you were Wilson the whole time.

[22:38] Yeah.

[22:39] Really makes you think about it.

[22:39] You're thinking about it.

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] Wait.

[22:42] It's called Spike Club.

[22:44] What?

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Anyway, so they find out that there's a robot that their dad built called Synergy.

[22:53] Yeah, hold on.

[22:54] This movie suddenly has a robot in it.

[22:56] He activates kind of out of nowhere, and he starts relaying.

[23:00] It looks like one of those Earth to Echoes.

[23:02] Yeah, he has a big Earth to Echo.

[23:04] He has robot ears, and he beatboxes a lot.

[23:06] He loves music.

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] And clearly batteries are not included.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] They don't need to be, because he runs on his own power, and when you jump into water with him and swim underwater with him, he's fine.

[23:18] Even though he's protected by naught but a burlap backpack with an opening in the front.

[23:23] So he starts giving them clues for a scavenger hunt that her dad put together before he died.

[23:30] And the scavenger hunt, for whatever reason, also seems to correspond with locations that help him with Jem's career.

[23:36] To make a long story short, she starts falling for the guy who's her chaperone.

[23:42] I mean, he's a super hunk.

[23:44] The boss of the record company is meaner and meaner as time goes on.

[23:48] Jem becomes a huge sensation.

[23:51] After one show.

[23:52] After one show.

[23:53] They have another show.

[23:55] At their first show, the power goes out for some reason.

[23:58] I don't know why.

Dan McCoy

[23:59] Well, we didn't see it because Archie stepped on the controller to the Apple TV.

[24:05] Which switched the function over to Apple TV.

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] Dan, Archie was being real that darn cat tonight.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] Archie is always that darn cat.

[24:13] I often say that.

[24:15] You darn cat.

[24:16] And Archie says, meow.

[24:18] Mm-hmm.

[24:19] Archie's not much of a conversationalist.

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] But not like this, meow.

[24:22] He says, meow.

[24:24] Yeah.

[24:24] Like a human would.

[24:26] And you roll up a newspaper.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] I'm beginning to suspect Archie is a man in a cat costume.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] Oh, like when Teller was on that episode of Dharma and Greg.

[24:34] What?

[24:35] He was like another character's cat.

[24:37] And the other characters in like our heroes could tell it was a guy dressed up like a cat.

[24:42] But the cat's owner could not.

Dan McCoy

[24:44] That was a much more surreal show than I ever suspected it was.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] Oh, occasionally.

[24:49] There was also an episode where they get caught pretending to be Southern in a store.

[24:53] And they just keep pretending.

[24:55] And at the end, Al Gore comes and has dinner with them.

[24:58] But not real Al Gore.

[24:59] Like an actor playing Al Gore.

[25:01] Okay.

[25:03] It was a weird show.

[25:05] But anyway.

[25:07] They're on the scavenger hunt.

[25:09] They're at their first show.

[25:09] Anyway, our Dharma and Greg cast.

Stuart Wellington

[25:11] Do we want to talk more about Dharma and Greg?

Elliott Kalan

[25:13] The power goes out.

[25:15] And she has seen that in this venue, there's a bunch of guitars on the wall.

[25:18] I assume victims of earlier guitar killers or performers.

Stuart Wellington

[25:24] It's like the guitar player got excited after his performance and just threw it up in the air and it stuck to the wall.

Elliott Kalan

[25:29] Yeah, like a constellation being formed by Hercules hurling a bear into the sky.

[25:35] And one of the guitars has a clue in it from her dad.

[25:39] And she's inspired by that to just play acoustically.

[25:41] And the show goes on.

[25:42] And it's a huge hit.

[25:44] Everyone at the shows seems to know her songs before she's premiered them.

[25:48] But whatever.

[25:49] If it was a musical, that wouldn't bother me.

Dan McCoy

[25:50] Now I missed.

[25:51] Maybe I spaced out.

[25:52] Now you said a clue.

[25:54] Did you specify that her dad has created this weird scavenger hunt?

[25:59] Yes.

[25:59] Yeah.

[26:00] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] Now in each of these clues, there's also a message like create your destiny or use your talents.

[26:06] Which normally, you'd have to eat a Chinese meal to get a message like that.

[26:10] But no.

[26:11] You'd have to go to the dentist and see a poster up on the ceiling.

[26:14] Normally, you'd have to get sent to the guidance counselor's office.

[26:17] But no.

[26:18] Here, you merely have to go on a scavenger hunt around L.A. with a robot.

[26:22] And so there's a lot of nonsense.

[26:25] They find out their aunt is possibly going to lose their home because they haven't been paid yet.

[26:29] Because they are not being paid until the end of the tour.

[26:32] And it's not the end of the tour.

[26:33] They kind of forget about that though, right?

[26:35] The David Foster-Fort Wallace thing.

Stuart Wellington

[26:36] What?

[26:36] They kind of forget about the whole house.

[26:39] Except.

[26:39] It feels like there's not a lot of stakes for most of the movie.

[26:42] No.

[26:42] They never eat stakes.

[26:43] Nobody eats stakes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] Sorry.

[26:45] I jumped in on that one.

[26:47] But there's.

[26:48] No.

[26:48] The stakes are.

[26:48] For most of the movie, the stakes are.

[26:50] Is Jem going to be the biggest star ever?

[26:52] Or the biggest superstar?

[26:54] Like, is she merely the next Madonna?

[26:56] Or is she the next Christ?

[26:58] That's the stakes.

[26:58] Yeah.

[26:59] Until the family needs money fast.

[27:01] So she asks the boss for an advance.

[27:03] And the boss says, sure, if you sign this solo contract, we don't want the other girls.

[27:07] We just want Jem.

[27:09] And she signs it because she needs the money.

[27:11] Does she tell her family why she's doing it?

Stuart Wellington

[27:13] No, of course not.

[27:14] And then they immediately break up.

[27:15] Which is kind of great.

[27:16] Because normally in this type of movie, they would.

[27:19] You know a movie about superstar rockers with their pet robot.

[27:24] They would.

[27:25] They would.

[27:25] Like, they would make the lead singer, the star, kind of slowly change over time.

[27:30] And it stopped to be about the music and more like this, like this one person show.

[27:35] But this movie does away with that.

[27:36] And they're like, we're going to have this conflict happen super fast and get out of the way.

[27:40] Have the band break up with her.

[27:41] And then have her change her mind within like 15 minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] She does a show that goes, if anything, better than the other shows.

[27:48] Like, she's clearly a solo artist.

[27:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:50] It's just like very like Lady Gaga performance-y thing.

[27:53] Yeah.

[27:54] She's got a crazy outfit on.

[27:56] There's a bunch of gymnasts going around.

Stuart Wellington

[27:58] There's dancers behind.

[27:59] I mean, there were dancers.

[27:59] There's full choreography.

[28:00] Nobody seems to notice that her sisters aren't there.

[28:04] No, because Jem is what they're there for.

[28:06] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] And frankly, the boss is making a pretty good point.

[28:09] Like, there are a number of artists whose career took off when they became solo artists

[28:14] and left their bands.

[28:15] Give me an example.

[28:18] Andrew Jackson.

[28:19] Andrew Jackson.

[28:21] No, Michael Jackson.

[28:22] Okay.

[28:23] Or, as we were imagining that David Byrne shows up and tells her that you were right to leave

[28:31] that group.

[28:31] You were the talented one.

[28:33] Now you should get weird and do a lot of music that no one really wants to hear that much.

Dan McCoy

[28:37] Yeah.

[28:37] Get together with Brian Eno.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] Or David Eno, Brian's brother.

[28:43] Yeah.

[28:44] The three of you.

[28:44] He usually just sends Brian Eno letters about sports.

[28:46] Just get together for dinner.

Stuart Wellington

[28:47] Yeah, he's usually recording albums with Stung, former singer of the Polly's.

Elliott Kalan

[28:52] The Polly's, which was a polio string cheese-based band.

[28:56] Get together with Brian Eno and just get him.

[28:58] Stung.

Elliott Kalan

[28:59] Just start.

[29:00] Why don't you guys go with Blues Trapper?

[29:08] Or the Rolling Scones.

[29:13] Have you heard about that new girl piano player, Millie Joel?

Dan McCoy

[29:20] Yeah, that was Led Zeppeloon.

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] Led Zeppeloon.

Stuart Wellington

[29:24] That's not even as good as Led Zeppel-y.

[29:27] No.

[29:28] Led Zeppel-y.

[29:28] I want to tell you Led Zeppel cover band.

[29:34] Okay, so what are we talking about?

[29:36] She's a solo artist.

[29:37] She goes back to her old house that she grew up in where her name is-

[29:40] Because she follows the sign that her father left her, which looks eerily like an elder sign from the H.P. Lovecraft mythos.

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] Yes, but it also looks like something that they drew in the cement outside their old house.

[29:51] Her sisters show up.

[29:53] Hey, the band's back together.

[29:55] And then the chaperone shows up.

[29:58] Hey, I found you guys.

[29:59] And they go, oh, the last clue was in some earrings that my dad gave me.

[30:03] But the earrings, because they were taken away when I was made over into Jem, are in a safe for some reason.

[30:08] Yeah.

[30:08] At the record headquarters.

Dan McCoy

[30:09] Yeah, instead of just throwing them in the garbage, Juliette Lewis has put them in a little jewelry box.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Like a little golden sarcophagus.

[30:18] Because I assume she thought Jem's car was in there.

[30:21] And so that Jem could travel safely to the other world.

[30:24] The other world being, of course, Access Hollywood.

Stuart Wellington

[30:27] Luckily, she's found her car-tet, Stephen King's The Dark Tower, coming to theater soon, in her sisters and her new boyfriend.

[30:34] And they travel to this mystical place called Starlight Enterprises or whatever.

[30:38] Yeah, Starlight Records.

Elliott Kalan

[30:39] Now, here's something I didn't understand, is that Juliette Lewis' son, who is their chaperone, he works for the company.

[30:46] His mom runs it.

[30:47] And you'd think he could just walk in and say, hey, I have to go up to the offices with Jem, the biggest star that we have signed to us.

[30:55] Too easy.

[30:56] But instead they sneak in and break into the office.

[30:58] Mm-hmm.

[30:59] Doesn't make sense.

[31:00] They break into her safe and they find the only copy of her.

Stuart Wellington

[31:03] You would have thought that if you're going to do this in this movie where you have a fucking robot character, have the robot be integral to, like, you've got a BB-8 on your hands here, guys.

[31:13] You're treating him like a BB-1.

Elliott Kalan

[31:17] You're treating him like a ZZ nothing.

[31:20] Not even a ZZ top, a ZZ bottom.

[31:22] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] A ZZ bottom.

[31:25] He's a really bearded guy who, you know, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] He's always sleeping.

[31:30] You know.

[31:32] He gets the head of an ass?

Dan McCoy

[31:34] I'm just saying in the bedroom.

[31:36] You know.

[31:37] With Titania.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] I'm talking about a different type of bottom than you are, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[31:39] I was talking about bottom from Midsummer Night's Dream who's always sleeping.

[31:44] That's why it's ZZ because it's ZZ.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] That's what I was talking about, too.

[31:47] Dan was talking about the sexual position.

[31:49] The one who receives.

[31:50] Named after the popular Shakespearean character.

[31:53] Was that what he was?

[31:54] Yeah.

[31:54] I guess I missed the scene in Midsummer Night's Dream where Titania puts a strap-on on and

[31:58] then does bottom.

[32:00] But now I understand why he was so surprised when he woke up.

Dan McCoy

[32:03] That's why he says, ill met by moonlight, Titania.

[32:05] He doesn't say that.

[32:06] That's Oberon.

[32:07] But for the purposes of this joke, that's why he says it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:09] He says, ill met my moon.

[32:12] Titania.

[32:13] Oh.

[32:13] And Oberon says, you never do that with me.

[32:17] No wonder he's so mad.

Dan McCoy

[32:19] Yeah.

[32:20] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] So we've come up with some kind of what, like, penthouse porno version of Midsummer Night's

[32:24] Dream where Puck is called, like, fuck and things like that.

[32:27] Well, I'm not even trying.

[32:30] It's for a penthouse.

[32:31] Why am I trying?

Dan McCoy

[32:33] It's like a little Annie Fanny version.

Elliott Kalan

[32:35] Yeah.

[32:36] Anyway, so they get in there.

[32:38] They managed to crack the password for the safe, which is Juliet Lewis's character's

[32:43] name.

[32:44] Yeah.

[32:44] That is a terrible password.

Stuart Wellington

[32:46] That's, like, the first thing they tell you not to use is your password.

Elliott Kalan

[32:48] Yeah.

[32:48] Any professional security guy will tell you, throw some numbers in there.

[32:52] Maybe some punctuation marks.

[32:53] Don't just use your name.

[32:55] But they also find.

[32:56] Put a one, two, three after that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:57] Yeah.

[32:57] If you're going to do Stuart, use, like, a dollar sign instead of an S.

[33:01] Yeah.

[33:02] And, like, a V instead of a U.

[33:04] And, like, five exclamation points.

[33:06] Because Stuart's worth it.

[33:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] You want to yell it out.

[33:10] They find a copy of his dad's will.

[33:14] And in which he leaves the whole company to him.

[33:16] It says he leaves the company to the mother.

[33:20] But the son has the ability to choose to take the company whenever he feels he is ready

[33:24] for it.

[33:25] Which is a strangely worded clause in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[33:28] He found hippiness at the end of his life.

Elliott Kalan

[33:33] And it's time for the last big gem show.

[33:37] And gem and the girls are back together.

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] There's a couple of great little character scenes with, like, a valet character.

[33:45] And then, like, Ryan Hansen as an overly enthusiastic security guard character.

[33:49] But you skipped over.

[33:51] What, the 30 montages?

Dan McCoy

[33:53] Before the final show, there's the payoff for the big scavenger hunt.

[33:59] Oh, that's right.

[34:00] She puts her earrings in synergy.

[34:03] And she's rewarded with a hologram of her dad.

[34:06] Who tells her he's proud of her and he loves her.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:08] He says, I can't believe you made all the logical leaps necessary to complete this puzzle.

Elliott Kalan

[34:12] You would be great at Myst.

Dan McCoy

[34:14] Yeah.

[34:14] You'd be great at the old Batman series where Robin and Batman are able to put together the

[34:22] Riddler's puzzles.

Elliott Kalan

[34:24] Yeah.

[34:24] There was one of the puzzles where the answer was, one of the riddles, the answer was a canary

[34:28] with a machine gun.

[34:30] And even as a kid, I was like, that's not a real riddle.

[34:32] Come on.

[34:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:34] What was the answer to the riddle?

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] The answer to the riddle was a canary.

[34:37] The question was, like, what has wings and fires or something like that?

Stuart Wellington

[34:42] Was there a canary character in the Batman?

Elliott Kalan

[34:44] No.

[34:45] No.

[34:45] It was just a goofy thing.

[34:46] Okay.

[34:46] Because they didn't have respect for the Batman franchise.

[34:49] This is the Dark Knight detective.

[34:50] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:52] Rated R.

Dan McCoy

[34:54] For Robin.

[34:54] It's probably at your DVD shelf.

[34:57] Hopefully soon.

[34:58] Because there's been a shit ton of Batman movies.

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] There was Batman, Batman again, Batman 2.

[35:05] Batman.

[35:06] What?

[35:07] Another Batman.

Dan McCoy

[35:08] Still batting it.

Elliott Kalan

[35:10] Batting 2.

[35:11] Electric Bataloo.

[35:12] There was Batman versus Megalon.

[35:14] There was Batman and the Temple of Bats.

[35:17] There was Batman meets Howard the Duck, part 3.

[35:19] Yeah, Batman.

[35:20] Revenge of Spock.

[35:21] Back and Bat.

Dan McCoy

[35:23] There was...

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] Bat to the future, the Batman Chronicles.

[35:27] Major League, colon, Batman's on the team now.

[35:30] There was Night Bat, Bat Knight.

[35:32] I mean, that makes sense, because they used bats.

[35:33] Oh, man.

[35:34] It's a bat.

[35:36] Is that Batman?

[35:37] No, it's not.

[35:38] Oh, wait.

[35:38] Yes, it is.

[35:38] The movie.

[35:40] Let's not forget Allison.

[35:42] Hey, remember when I said that it was Batman?

[35:43] Hey, look behind you.

[35:44] It's Batman.

[35:47] Batman, the movie, the movie, which was a movie about going to see the first Batman movie.

[35:52] There was Rat Man.

[35:55] There was...

[35:56] There was Brat Man about the sausage.

Dan McCoy

[35:58] There was Scat Man, in which Scat Man Crothers breaks his shit on people.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] A rich playboy is sitting, and he says, I shall dress up to scare criminals, and Scat Man Crothers flies through the window.

[36:12] Ah, I will become a Scat Man.

[36:14] Scooby-dee-bop.

[36:18] So he would sidle up to muggers and alleys and go, you know I was in The Shining, and then beat them up.

[36:25] So...

Dan McCoy

[36:25] And they hit him with an axe, and he's like, my one weakness.

Elliott Kalan

[36:29] An axe to the stomach.

[36:30] You saw The Shining, didn't you?

[36:33] So she gets a message from her dad saying he loves her.

[36:35] It takes a long time.

[36:36] And as I mentioned to you guys while we were watching it, I'm the only one of the Flophouse hosts who has a child.

[36:41] If anything, I should be touched most deeply...

[36:44] Damn you.

Dan McCoy

[36:45] Damn you for touching my secret pain.

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] That was your secret pain?

Dan McCoy

[36:49] That's right, this whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] You really wanted children?

[36:52] Nah, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[36:53] Don't try and send me any.

[36:55] Dan's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[36:55] Nope, you're getting children in the mail.

Dan McCoy

[36:57] No, oh God.

[36:59] Ugh, alright.

[36:59] Children of the corn, that is.

[37:00] What am I gonna feed them?

[37:01] Oh, that's terrible.

[37:02] They like cat food, right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] I mean, they probably would, but don't do that.

[37:06] Okay.

[37:07] As someone with a child, the idea of not surviving to see them grow up and become an adult is terrifying to me.

[37:14] And yet, my reaction to this scene was...

[37:18] Ugh.

Dan McCoy

[37:20] Well, it doesn't help that it is interminable.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] It goes on forever.

[37:24] And by that point, you just want the movie to end.

[37:26] This is a two-hour movie.

[37:28] You set through two hours of mostly montages.

[37:30] The jam of the holograms is two hours long.

[37:32] And power pop.

Stuart Wellington

[37:33] Yeah, like unrelated YouTube clips.

Elliott Kalan

[37:36] Yeah, there's a lot of YouTube clips that are used sometimes as like the soundtrack.

[37:41] You have a YouTube clip of someone playing music or playing the drums or whatever, or some dance routine.

[37:45] And that's used on the soundtrack to score a scene.

[37:48] And I kind of like that as a technique, even though it wasn't used great here.

[37:52] It wasn't your tempo.

[37:53] It was not my tempo.

[37:54] I kept holding my hand up, but the movie wouldn't stop.

[37:56] So I threw a chair at the movie.

[37:58] I broke your TV, Dan.

[37:59] I'm sorry.

[37:59] But the movie just takes forever.

[38:02] So they go to the big...

[38:03] They go to the final show.

[38:04] They defeat the bad person.

[38:06] They're doing the last performance, and they say,

[38:07] Hey, you know what?

[38:09] You know who Jem is?

[38:10] It's everybody.

[38:11] It's anyone who has courage and a dream.

[38:13] You're Jem.

[38:14] And you.

[38:15] And you.

[38:15] Now let's rock this place.

[38:16] There's little Godzilla inside of all of us.

[38:18] Yeah.

[38:18] Just like the end of Godzilla 2000.

Stuart Wellington

[38:20] That's happened to me the last couple times I've gone to rock shows.

[38:23] The band gets up there, and they're like...

Elliott Kalan

[38:25] You know who Gorguts is?

[38:26] It's you.

[38:27] Could you?

[38:30] Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

[38:31] You know, we're not Sacrifice.

[38:34] You're Sacrifice.

Stuart Wellington

[38:36] Everybody cries and raise their lighters, I guess.

[38:40] They sing along and grab the person closest to them that they took to the Sacrifice show.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] You know, let's put the lights up on the house.

[38:50] I'm not Seal.

[38:51] You're Seal.

[38:52] I'm not Seal.

[38:53] What are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[38:55] No, you are.

[38:56] You sang Kiss from a Rose.

Stuart Wellington

[38:57] You're Seal for all legal purposes.

[39:00] Touch this skull with me.

[39:01] You're Seal now.

[39:02] And now you've got all my jacks.

[39:03] You're pounding with me, everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] I'm free.

[39:05] Free of the curse of being married to Heidi Klum.

Stuart Wellington

[39:08] I think he was free of that years ago.

[39:10] I forgot.

[39:11] I think they split up.

[39:11] Yeah.

[39:12] Anyway.

[39:12] He's probably hanging out with Salman Rushdie complaining about their former wives that are

[39:15] also former models.

[39:17] And reality show hosts.

[39:18] Yeah.

[39:19] Reality competition shows.

[39:19] They probably have a lot to talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] They're best friends.

[39:22] Seal and Salman Rushdie.

[39:26] He calls, well, he calls, Salman Rushdie calls.

[39:29] They call him the Seal and the Salmon.

[39:30] Well, Salman Rushdie calls Seal of approval.

[39:33] And Seal calls Salman Rushdie Premium Rush.

[39:36] That's just because they're nicknames for each other.

[39:38] In Being John Malkovich, how Charlie Sheen calls John Malkovich Malkitrez.

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] That was such a funny nickname for him.

Elliott Kalan

[39:47] Anyway, long story short, the show goes great.

[39:51] The editor of Rolling Stone sidles up to, I guess, the new head of the record company.

[39:55] And she says, hey, Jem's great.

[39:56] What's the name of the band?

[39:57] He looks down at the hologram projecting robot that no one else can notice.

Dan McCoy

[40:02] And he goes, Jem and the holograms?

Elliott Kalan

[40:04] Smash cut.

[40:05] Credits.

[40:06] We're done.

[40:06] On to mid-credit scene where the villain, she goes to like an alleyway under a bridge.

[40:12] She's deep into Delta City territory.

[40:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:15] She's going to go see some scales.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Yeah.

[40:17] She's in the Soylent Green area where the people are like, oh no, she's in the part of Logan's run where it's just teenagers who kill each other.

Stuart Wellington

[40:25] She's going to see Edgar Friendly and the rest of the people who spray paint Taco Bells in the future.

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] And she hires the misfits.

[40:34] Not the band of misfits, again, but the characters.

[40:37] Yeah, once again.

[40:37] Which sets us up for, I guess, J2, Jem and the holograms, which would be the sequel that will never happen.

Stuart Wellington

[40:43] And did we already talk about how the director's planning on crossing this over with G.I. Joe and Transformers?

[40:48] He has announced his intentions.

[40:50] Because very often-

[40:52] What about the Cowboys and Moo Mesa?

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] Is that in the same-

[40:54] More of the same level.

[40:56] Very often, the producers of huge franchises like Transformers or G.I. Joe will say, yeah, let's cross over with a flop of a movie.

[41:03] It's the same reason that the Spider-Man movies crossed over with, I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

[41:10] That was a huge hit, Elliot.

[41:12] Spider-Man married Chuck.

[41:13] Mm-hmm.

[41:14] But he was in love with Larry.

[41:15] Oh, weird.

[41:17] Jan's looking concerned.

[41:19] Jan and the holograms are huge.

[41:19] Is it because the movie's over?

[41:20] And because we're going too long?

Dan McCoy

[41:22] No, we should probably get into final judgments.

[41:26] Okay, well, it's sounding positive, but I don't want to hedge my bets.

[41:29] Whether this is a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie kind of like, I'm going to say about this movie that it should have been 88 minutes at the most.

[41:39] Should have been the movie 88 minutes?

[41:41] Without Pacino?

[41:43] And it should have had...

[41:44] Is that the TikTok doc one?

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] I think it is, yeah.

[41:47] I didn't even watch that.

Dan McCoy

[41:48] It should have had a crazy computer, and it should have had a lot more fun, and a lot less YouTube, and it just bored the shit out of me.

[41:56] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] So I didn't really...

[41:58] You know, I definitely saw an episode of Jim and the holograms, but I didn't really bring a lot of that baggage in with me.

[42:05] And so it was probably a better viewing experience for you, right?

[42:07] Yeah, I was kind of put off by the sheer amount of YouTube clips and the kind of interesting cinematography with a lot of, like, handheld, almost documentarian style.

[42:19] And it was still pretty boring, and I don't remember much that happened.

[42:24] Although I was excited about a few interesting character turns, but I will say, bad-bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[42:29] I was excited to watch this movie, by the way.

[42:31] Well, I...

[42:31] This should have been...

[42:32] Like, this was, like, one of the least successful movies of all time.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] This should have been a really crazy, silly movie, and instead it was a very by-the-numbers girl-becomes-a-rock-star movie.

[42:44] Yeah.

[42:45] With a robot that projected holograms, and somehow that didn't make the movie crazy.

Dan McCoy

[42:51] Imagine the most boring version of a robot that projects holograms being in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[42:56] Like, I guess it just projects eye tests?

[42:58] Like, eye charts?

[42:59] Or, like, test patterns?

Dan McCoy

[43:00] It projects its own user agreement.

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] Oh, that is so boring!

[43:06] And you've got to keep scrolling through it.

[43:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:09] I don't want to just click the box, because I don't want to say I'm agreeing to something I don't agree with.

[43:15] Yeah, come on, you don't want to call it.

[43:15] I've got to keep it real, dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] Yeah, but this was a very dull movie.

[43:22] Jem and the Dull-O-Grams.

[43:25] Jem and the Telegrams?

[43:26] What if it was set in the 19th century?

[43:27] It was called Jem and the Telegrams.

[43:34] Podcasts.

[43:35] Podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[43:37] They're audio programs that tell smart stories.

S4

[43:40] In innovative ways.

[43:42] Using editing techniques like this.

[43:43] Like this.

Dan McCoy

[43:44] Like this.

[43:45] But let's face it.

[43:47] All that smart stuff can be exhausting.

[43:49] That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in.

[43:52] It's so stupid.

[43:53] It's just two stupid dinguses.

S4

[43:55] Being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[43:58] Stop Podcasting Yourself.

[44:00] The stupid show that smart people love.

[44:03] Find it on iTunes.

[44:04] Or MaximumFun.org.

[44:06] We've got some sponsors tonight.

[44:08] Woo!

Stuart Wellington

[44:09] Woo!

[44:09] So we're in for a little bit of Flophouse housework, buddies.

Elliott Kalan

[44:14] Ba-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan-dan.

Dan McCoy

[44:16] Da-da-da.

[44:18] Nice branding.

[44:19] Some home improvement music.

[44:20] Hello!

[44:21] So...

[44:21] I haven't heard that one in a while.

[44:23] Tonight, the Flophouse is supported in part by Squarespace, the simplest way to create

[44:27] a compelling website.

[44:28] From the strange to the downright bizarre, great stories define us.

[44:32] You should tell yours with simple tools and templates.

[44:35] Squarespace helps you capture your story with a captivating website.

[44:40] You can start your free trial today by visiting squarespace.com slash flop.

[44:46] You should Squarespace.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] A rare no introductions section of Dan's speech.

[44:53] No introductions.

Dan McCoy

[44:54] I think you mean interruptions.

[44:55] We didn't introduce the fact that this was a Squarespace ad because...

[44:59] Why do that?

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a Squarespace advertisement.

[45:03] Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] Presented by Squarespace.

[45:06] Listeners, Squarespace listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[45:08] I'll let you guys get to know each other while I fix some drinks.

Dan McCoy

[45:11] So this is what it feels like to make fun of someone for missaying something.

[45:16] Is that why my face is...

[45:17] Sort of an empty experience, actually.

[45:19] I find it very fulfilling.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] Now, here's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[45:22] My face is beet red.

[45:23] My knees are knocking together.

[45:24] Do people like me or do they hate me?

Elliott Kalan

[45:28] They like you.

[45:29] Oh, that's great.

[45:29] Now, just to remind people, I am using Squarespace for my new site,

[45:33] WernerHertzogsUrethra.gov.

[45:37] Squarespace's interface is so easy to use.

[45:39] I don't need to know coding.

[45:40] It's responsive to the different mediums.

[45:42] I'm having trouble getting the .gov suffix.

[45:45] But I think I can convince Prez Obama to do it.

[45:47] And if he won't, Prez Trump will do it.

[45:49] And you can load tons of pictures on that piece so people know what they're looking at.

[45:53] Oh, yeah.

[45:53] I mean, I'm going to have an interactive map of WernerHertzogsUrethra

[45:56] in case you get stuck in it sometime.

[45:58] There's going to be an interview with his urologist.

[46:01] Video interview.

[46:02] There's going to be live streaming web footage from the camera placed inside his urethra.

[46:07] It was all set up through Squarespace.

[46:09] That sounds great.

[46:10] Entirely through Squarespace.

[46:11] I mean, there's a lot of text, too.

[46:12] I mean, because there's excerpts from his peeing diary.

[46:16] A lot of people don't know that WernerHertzog keeps a piss diary of every time he urinates.

[46:20] It's something he picked up from Klaus Kinski.

[46:22] And it's just going to be a really, really exciting site.

[46:26] Thanks to Squarespace.

Stuart Wellington

[46:27] There's that one section that's all just like your favorite quotes from historical figures.

[46:32] About urethras.

[46:34] Oh, that's what they're about?

[46:35] I just thought they were all inspirational.

[46:37] So I want you guys to know that also, listeners at home, the Flophouse is also supported.

[46:42] Supported, all right.

[46:44] No, what happened?

[46:45] You've...

Elliott Kalan

[46:46] What happened?

[46:46] You rot.

[46:47] No.

[46:48] Oh, that stupid gypsy.

[46:51] I mean, they don't like to use the word gypsy.

[46:53] Oh, okay.

[46:53] McCoy syndrome is catching.

[46:55] That stupid Romani.

[46:56] Thank you.

[46:57] Ray Romani from Everybody Loves Romani.

Stuart Wellington

[46:59] What's the deal without Seinfeld?

Elliott Kalan

[47:02] Is that Ray Romani doing an impression of Seinfeld?

[47:05] I'm talking about Seinfeld.

Stuart Wellington

[47:09] Okay.

[47:10] We've had some laughs here tonight, but the Flophouse is supported in part...

[47:13] Let's get serious for a moment.

[47:15] Let's buckle down.

[47:16] Because the Flophouse is supported by...

[47:18] Diabetes.

[47:19] Is supported by Mack Weldon.

[47:21] Oh, okay.

[47:22] Now, here at the Flophouse, we like to be comfortable.

[47:25] You know it.

[47:26] When we finish recording at night and get ready to climb into our giant three-person bed,

[47:31] we like to slip into some comfortable clothes.

[47:36] Comfortable underclothes.

[47:37] You're making me feel comfortable.

Elliott Kalan

[47:38] That's what Mack Weldon provides.

[47:39] I'm not supposed to feel comfortable.

[47:40] Yeah.

[47:41] Stuart, you're making...

Stuart Wellington

[47:42] Am I making you guys uncomfortable?

[47:44] A little bit.

[47:44] Okay.

[47:45] Well, Mack Weldon will make you feel very comfortable.

[47:47] They provide comfortable underwear, socks, sweats that look great and feel fantastic.

Elliott Kalan

[47:54] Yeah.

[47:55] I mean, speaking of someone who's wearing Mack Weldon under things right now, they are very

[47:59] comfortable, but you are making me uncomfortable.

Stuart Wellington

[48:01] Now, your comfort is very important, both to me, Stuart from the Flophouse, and a Mack Weldon.

[48:06] That's why, if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep it, and they will still send you a refund.

[48:13] No questions asked.

[48:15] Like here at the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[48:18] Wait, we're going to refund people for the unused portion of their podcast?

[48:22] Yeah, but they don't pay anything, so it's okay.

[48:23] Yeah, so...

[48:24] It's me, Mack Weldon.

Elliott Kalan

[48:26] Hey, buddy.

[48:27] Me, Mack.

[48:28] Just saying.

[48:29] Underpants are what I like to think about.

[48:31] Underpants on you.

Stuart Wellington

[48:33] Now, what are you guys waiting for?

[48:35] Why don't you go over to MackWeldon.com to get 20% off by using the promo code FLOPFLOP.

[48:47] It's very comfortable clothing.

Dan McCoy

[48:48] Now, I want to say, before we even had them as a sponsor, I had some Mack Weldon socks, and you know that you're an adult when you stop being disappointed when you get new socks and start being excited when you get new socks.

[49:03] Yep.

[49:04] And I was extra excited when I got these Mack Weldon socks because they are sharp looking, and they are durable, and they're comfortable.

[49:11] I want to get real with you guys for a second.

[49:13] Can I get real with you?

[49:14] Oh, okay.

[49:15] Is it possible?

Stuart Wellington

[49:16] So, when I got my first pair of Mack Weldon underwear in the mail, I put them on, but I accidentally put them on inside out, and they still felt really great.

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] I don't know how that's possible to do.

Dan McCoy

[49:29] You really had a, like, I'm a bad little boy face on when you said that.

[49:33] Who cares?

[49:34] Deal with it.

[49:36] They are very, very comfortable underpants.

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] I don't play by your rules.

[49:39] So, Dan, why don't you just tell them to use the promo code?

Elliott Kalan

[49:43] Yeah, use the promo code FLOPFLOP to get 20% off.

[49:45] Now, don't go to MackWelding.com.

[49:48] You cannot fix a Mac computer with a welding torch.

[49:50] I learned that the hard way.

Dan McCoy

[49:52] Go to MackWeldon.

[49:54] That's M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N.com.

[49:59] But we have a couple messages up on the Jumbotron this week.

[50:04] First off, the Let Me Listen family of podcast productions.

[50:09] I'll explain the Jumbotron afterwards.

Elliott Kalan

[50:11] Because this is, like, the second time we've done it, so people will be like, what's that?

[50:14] Explain it to me, Dan.

[50:15] I'm dumb.

[50:16] All right.

[50:17] Yeah, Stuart's on the Jumbotron.

Dan McCoy

[50:20] No, let me get through these first and all.

[50:21] It's a little racist now.

[50:22] And then I'll get...

[50:22] Wow, overruled.

[50:24] I'll get back.

[50:25] This judge won't allow it.

[50:27] So we got a couple messages on the Jumbotron.

[50:29] This first one is listen to the Let Me Listen family of podcast productions.

[50:33] The storytelling comedy brawl podcast, Let Me Finish.

[50:37] The tardy movie review podcast, Late Seating.

[50:40] And the improv comedy podcast series, American Monsters and How to Destroy Them.

[50:45] And you can listen to these by searching for the Let Me Listen podcast on iTunes, SoundCloud.

[50:50] How do you spell that?

[50:51] Stitcher.

[50:52] Or visit our website, www.lemelistenpodcast.com.

[50:56] That's L-E-M-M-E, listen, podcasts.

[51:02] And we have another message.

Stuart Wellington

[51:04] Yeah, go bend your ear to those guys.

Dan McCoy

[51:06] For another podcast.

[51:07] And whatever.

[51:09] Who cares?

[51:10] The Greatest Generation is a Star Trek podcast by two guys who are a bit embarrassed to have a Star Trek podcast.

[51:16] Every Monday and Wednesday, Ben and Adam catch you up on an episode of Star Trek, The Next Generation,

[51:21] in a nostalgic look at a seminal television show.

[51:24] And by seminal, we're talking about what Riker's leaving behind on the holodeck.

[51:28] Gross.

[51:28] Oh, gross.

[51:31] You don't have to watch the show to enjoy the podcast,

[51:33] so join the thousands of listeners who already do and subscribe to The Greatest Generation Now.

[51:38] And you can do that by going to The Greatest Generation on iTunes or at gagh.biz.

[51:47] And if you want to get a message up on the Jumbotron, it's easy.

[51:51] Go to maximumfun.org forward slash Jumbotron.

[51:55] And for $200 for a commercial message or $100 for a personal message,

[52:00] you can get a little promotion at a reasonable price.

Stuart Wellington

[52:05] And you get to hear our sweet voices say stuff.

[52:07] Well, Dan's sweet voice.

[52:09] And we interrupt him.

[52:10] That's part of the game.

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] You interrupt a good game, boy.

[52:14] But now you, sir, can I have a question for you about it?

Dan McCoy

[52:17] He interrupted Angus Scrimm.

[52:19] Bear with me for a little bit longer, because I know that we've done a lot of...

Elliott Kalan

[52:25] Is that bear going to be with you a little bit longer?

Dan McCoy

[52:27] I hope so, because that bear is Gooby.

[52:30] And he's a magical bear.

[52:32] Yeah.

[52:32] That I love very much.

[52:34] And he helps me foil Eugene Levy.

[52:38] I can't remember what happened to that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:39] Did they cover Eugene Levy with foil?

[52:41] I actually didn't see that episode.

[52:42] Or I wasn't here for that episode.

Stuart Wellington

[52:44] Was Eugene Levy even in Gooby?

[52:46] He was definitely in that.

[52:47] Okay.

[52:47] I remember him being lifted off the ground by a crane, but that could be...

[52:51] That could be any number of Eugene Levy movies.

[52:54] That could be, what, bringing down the house?

[52:56] Well, that's the one where he was straight tripping, boo.

Dan McCoy

[52:59] All right.

[53:00] No, I just wanted to say one last message, and that is that the 2016 Max Fun Drive is just

[53:06] around the corner.

[53:08] In fact...

Stuart Wellington

[53:09] You can see it on the horizon from where ye standin'.

Dan McCoy

[53:12] Ahoy!

[53:13] Two bells!

[53:14] Ahoy, McCoy.

[53:16] You should join us for the best two weeks in podcasting, and show your support for the

[53:20] Flophouse and Maximum Fun.

[53:23] We're going to have a great Max Fun Con episode next episode.

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] Next episode is also, what?

Dan McCoy

[53:30] Our 200th episode.

Stuart Wellington

[53:31] What?

[53:33] What?

[53:33] What have I done with my life?

[53:35] We've got something crazy planned.

Dan McCoy

[53:39] And we've got a very special guest.

Elliott Kalan

[53:42] It's finally the all-nude episode we're doing.

Dan McCoy

[53:45] Finally?

Elliott Kalan

[53:46] Well, you've always been.

Dan McCoy

[53:47] I've been all-nude.

[53:48] We're going to put down a tarp and just see what happens.

[53:52] Ew.

Elliott Kalan

[53:53] A lot of rainwater's going to collect in weird places.

[53:56] Yeah, it's our 200th episode.

[53:58] 200 episodes.

Dan McCoy

[54:00] So now we get to go into syndication, right?

[54:02] That's what happens?

[54:03] Yeah, that's exactly what happens.

[54:04] We're going to be on...

[54:05] That's when money starts rolling in.

Stuart Wellington

[54:06] We're going to be on TBS in the middle of the day.

[54:08] Yep.

[54:09] Us in Supernatural and Las Vegas with the main character, Danny McCoy.

[54:13] Coming up next...

Dan McCoy

[54:14] What?

[54:15] Wicked.

[54:16] And then the Flophouse.

[54:19] But, yeah, you should look forward to the 200th episode.

[54:22] No, no, Charmed.

[54:23] 200th episode.

[54:25] Wicked is a Broadway show.

[54:26] Charmed is the...

[54:26] Charmed is also a Broadway show.

[54:28] Ah, damn.

[54:29] We've got a great show planned.

[54:32] I'm very excited for next show.

[54:33] I can tell.

[54:34] You sound excited.

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] You've dialed it up all the way to three.

[54:39] What's the use?

Stuart Wellington

[54:41] Why bother?

[54:42] This has been Eeyore with the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] You know me.

[54:46] That's a Dan McCoy 11.

Stuart Wellington

[54:48] You know me?

Elliott Kalan

[54:49] You don't know my family?

[54:51] I'm Dan McCoy.

[54:52] You know me, everybody.

[54:54] I hate everything.

[54:57] I'm like Marvin the android, but a person.

[54:59] He eats everything.

[55:00] And you know me.

[55:02] Seabiscuit.

[55:02] The world's most popular horse.

[55:04] The world's most popular horse.

[55:04] Well, I gotta go.

[55:07] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[55:07] We have all these reoccurring characters this episode before our 200th episode.

[55:12] We really should save them for the 200th.

[55:14] But, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] So we've got...

[55:16] The excitement that comes with yawning while talking.

Dan McCoy

[55:20] I just get really happy when Seabiscuit stops.

[55:22] So we've got exclusive gifts for new and upgrading members during the Max Plenty 5.

Stuart Wellington

[55:28] We've seen some, and they look cool.

[55:29] They are amazing.

Dan McCoy

[55:31] We can't talk about them just yet, but there's one at the $10 a month level that I'm particularly excited about.

[55:37] It's got Dan Cream in his jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[55:39] No!

[55:40] Don't ever say that.

[55:41] That's horrible.

[55:44] And he's wearing a pajama pants.

[55:46] So it's factually inaccurate.

Dan McCoy

[55:49] I remember hearing that phrase for the first...

[55:51] Or seeing that phrase for the first time.

[55:52] That's the gentleman.

[55:53] And, like, it was like a porn ad in the back of a National Lampoon magazine.

[55:59] Creaming your jeans.

[56:00] And I was like,

[56:01] Ooh.

[56:02] This disgusts me, but I'm, you know, 12 years old.

[56:07] So it also...

[56:08] I mean, I'm definitely...

[56:08] It arouses me in a strange way.

[56:10] I'm definitely ordering it, but it's disgusting.

Stuart Wellington

[56:12] And because it's National Lampoon, you're cracking up with all that jizz, Gordon, out of your wiener.

Dan McCoy

[56:16] I'm cracking up with the way that they really...

[56:18] I don't know. I don't like any of this.

[56:20] I'm cracking up with the way they really...

[56:22] They're sticking it to the Nixon administration.

[56:24] Oh.

[56:25] Yeah.

[56:27] Anyway...

Elliott Kalan

[56:28] I mean, if you were reading an old National Lampoon, then yeah.

[56:30] It was an old National Lampoon.

[56:31] You can't...

[56:32] It was a modern one.

[56:34] You can't...

[56:35] It would have been behind the Times 1973 issue of National Lampoon.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] I was reading a modern National Lampoon's Naked Miles American Pies.

[56:43] Presents Road Trip.

[56:46] Vacation.

Stuart Wellington

[56:47] It's just an annotated screenplay.

Dan McCoy

[56:51] But, uh...

[56:52] So mark your calendar for the MaxFun Drive.

[56:55] It all starts March 14.

[56:56] And don't miss out on the excitement.

[56:59] But, um...

[56:59] Or March 14th.

[57:01] As people usually say when they talk about dates.

[57:03] One last thing before letters.

[57:06] Just a lot of quick thank yous.

[57:08] We got a lot of gifts in the Flophouse flop bag this week.

[57:13] Thanks to Stacey Edwards for the care package.

[57:17] Thanks for the HP Lovecraft movies from Andrew, last name withheld.

[57:23] Those are very exciting.

[57:24] Oh, awesome.

[57:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:25] The Call of Cthulhu.

[57:26] The Whisperer in Darkness.

Dan McCoy

[57:29] That's Call of Cthulhu I've seen.

[57:30] That one's really good.

[57:31] Thanks for the HP...

[57:33] Or, sorry.

[57:33] Thanks for the Blu-ray of the Boogans for Stuart.

[57:36] From someone named Krang the Mbubind.

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] That...

[57:41] That sounds great.

[57:43] I can't wait to watch that shit.

[57:44] Thank you.

[57:45] What cultural heritage do you think that is?

[57:48] Boogans?

[57:48] Krang the Mbubind.

Stuart Wellington

[57:49] I think it's Polish.

[57:51] Oh, that's not...

Dan McCoy

[57:52] Thank you to Ben Newman for the copy of his new book.

[57:57] Which is amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[57:58] Ben Newman is...

[57:59] He's been on...

[58:00] We've mentioned him on the show before.

[58:02] He did the...

[58:03] What was the...

[58:04] The April O'Neil pin-up art...

[58:08] From many, many episodes ago.

[58:11] You had a couple people you wanted to thank.

[58:13] Oh, yeah.

[58:13] I wanted to say thank you to Adam Goldberg for the...

[58:17] I think it's a DVD copy of No Escape.

[58:21] Hopefully...

[58:21] Maybe we'll give it a watch sometime soon.

[58:24] Not the Ray Liotta No Escape.

[58:25] The new one.

[58:25] No, that would be inappropriate for the podcast.

[58:29] Because that's a good, great movie.

[58:32] And I'd also like to put out a extra thank you to Eric North.

[58:38] Listener Eric North.

[58:39] Who was kind enough to send along some very lovely gifts.

[58:43] Mine is a framed poster of the Masters of Horror series.

[58:48] With many autographs.

[58:50] Artographs.

[58:51] I'm already thinking about my favorite autograph on there.

[58:54] Which is Dario Argento's.

[58:55] Which is written Argento Dario.

[58:58] Is he's what Japanese?

Dan McCoy

[59:01] And likewise, thank you for my gift from that.

[59:04] The signed copy of Talking Head 77.

[59:07] Which is amazing.

[59:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] And I got a signed picture of Groucho Marx.

[59:11] Which is astounding.

Stuart Wellington

[59:12] There will probably be pictures showing up on the internet.

[59:14] But once again, thank you Eric North.

[59:15] That was far too coming after.

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] That was way too generous.

[59:18] We have done literally nothing to deserve that.

Dan McCoy

[59:20] And lastly, I would like to thank Nathan Rabin.

[59:23] The originator of the phrase Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

[59:27] For the signed picture of Orlando Bloom and Kristen Dunst from Elizabethtown.

Stuart Wellington

[59:32] Whoa.

[59:33] I know at least one person who would fight you for that.

[59:36] His name is Orlando Bloom.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] He's just trying to destroy all evidence of Elizabethtown.

Dan McCoy

[59:41] He will shoot you full of arrows.

[59:43] But finally, sorry for the long housekeeping this week.

[59:47] The Flophouse housekeeping as Stuart has branded it.

[59:49] It's Flophouse housework, sir.

[59:51] Oh, sorry.

[59:52] Rarau.

Elliott Kalan

[59:53] I said Rarau, sir.

[59:59] That's how you should end things.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:00] Yeah.

[1:00:01] Rarau.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:02] But Stuart, I said Rarau.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:03] But now it's time for everyone's favorite segment.

[1:00:08] Letters.

[1:00:10] So this first letter.

[1:00:12] Yeah, let's bring the letters on.

[1:00:13] Is from Ethan, last name withheld.

[1:00:16] Hawk.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:17] Ethan Hawk.

[1:00:19] Or from.

[1:00:21] And it goes like this.

[1:00:22] Wrote a letter.

[1:00:23] To us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] What a Gattaca guy.

[1:00:29] He wrote it before sunset or sunrise.

[1:00:32] Or that other one.

[1:00:33] He was a real daybreaker.

[1:00:36] He was dazed and confused.

[1:00:38] He slipped that song in while I wasn't paying attention.

[1:00:40] No, he wasn't in that.

[1:00:41] But Reality Bites, he was in that.

[1:00:44] Boyhood.

[1:00:47] Boyhood.

[1:00:50] Coast of Utopia at Lincoln Center.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:53] Letter goes like this.

[1:00:55] My wife is a nurse and a year ago she told me about a disorder.

[1:00:58] She told me about a disorder that makes it feel like you have worms in your scrotum.

[1:01:02] Ooh.

[1:01:02] Instantly I knew if I ever had a question for the Flophouse, I could open with some joke

[1:01:06] about wormy boners and maybe the Crypt Keeper has this disorder.

[1:01:09] But now that I look it up, it's actually super gross.

[1:01:11] Yeah, it sounds horrifying.

[1:01:12] So let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:13] It sounded like it was pretty fun and then I looked it up.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:16] With that amazing opening gambit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:18] I mean, with Crypty, it's probably okay because he's a decaying corpse.

[1:01:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:22] With that amazing opening gambit.

[1:01:23] And with like a real gallows humor, you know?

[1:01:26] A question.

[1:01:27] I'm a screenwriter and I recently got to pitch some ideas, one of which was a supernatural

[1:01:31] fantasy adventure so bonkers and high concept that I was really just testing the limits of

[1:01:35] what I could get away with.

[1:01:37] I assumed it was an instant, oh fuck no.

[1:01:39] But shockingly, that was one of the only ideas that got the go ahead.

[1:01:43] So now I'm paralyzed with terror.

[1:01:44] This idea sounds exactly like a premise for a future episode, my greatest fear as a writer.

[1:01:48] But apparently there's potential in it.

[1:01:51] Do you have any overarching tips for how the script can avoid the pitfalls of bad, bad?

[1:01:55] And even good, bad.

[1:01:56] What's the thin line that separates a flop from a movie you actually really like?

[1:02:00] Help me, floppers.

[1:02:01] You're my only hope.

[1:02:02] Ethan, last name withheld.

[1:02:04] So how to avoid writing a movie that shows up on the Flophouse?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:10] It's tough because I feel like there's so many levels between the finished script product

[1:02:15] and the final product.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:17] Yeah, script is such a kind of prototype blueprint.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:20] As the Oscars showed us by having screenwriting be one of the first, if not the first, award

[1:02:27] this year.

[1:02:27] It was the first award this year.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:28] But they do that sometimes.

[1:02:29] They put out a relatively major award or an important award at the beginning to get you

[1:02:34] interested.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:35] But the structure this year was to show you the lifespan of a film from beginning to end.

[1:02:39] Yeah, that was theoretically the structure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] Yeah, but it also, the first element that they showed going into that magic movie projector

[1:02:44] in the beginning was courage.

[1:02:46] And I was like, fuck you, Oscars.

[1:02:48] Forget this.

[1:02:51] But I think I still put it down to, we got to put something at the beginning.

[1:02:54] It's why Best Supporting Actress so often is like really early on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:57] Start your movie with an opening monologue from your character explaining some fable that my

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:03] grandmother told them.

[1:03:04] Yeah, my mother always told me.

[1:03:05] Or there's a prophecy that Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:07] And don't make your character a chosen one because that robs him or her of any sort of personal

[1:03:11] agency in the story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:13] Begin the movie in media res.

[1:03:16] How about this?

[1:03:17] Don't assume the audience needs to know everything, but assume they need to know important stuff

[1:03:23] for the plot later down the road.

[1:03:25] A lot of our movies we see either over-explain stuff that's not necessary or they don't explain

[1:03:30] anything and you're like, who are these people?

[1:03:32] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:32] A thing that should not be explained at all, if you can help it, is character.

[1:03:36] You should not have a character explain to another character what one character is about.

[1:03:40] We should see what the character is about.

[1:03:42] Characters should still be welcome, right?

[1:03:44] Oh, sure.

[1:03:45] This is the USA after all.

[1:03:47] It's always funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:49] Wait, that's TBS.

[1:03:50] We're always on, never off.

[1:03:52] But they know drama.

[1:03:53] TNT.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:54] So do all those things.

[1:03:55] It's not TV, it's HBO.

[1:03:57] But I think the most important thing is to try to toe the balance between being original,

[1:04:04] but not so original that your movie makes no sense.

[1:04:08] We should be able to relate to something in it, but it should surprise us in some way.

[1:04:14] So that we can't guess what the ending is 15 minutes in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:18] Yeah, I mean, if your basic structure will work, even if you take all the fantasy elements out,

[1:04:24] you're probably doing the right thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:27] So that's our genuine, not that funny answer to your question.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:32] We did all that shit where we did characters welcome and stuff.

[1:04:35] That's hilarious.

[1:04:35] Yeah, it was jokes, kind of.

[1:04:36] People are fucking rolling in their seats.

[1:04:38] They're rolling in their seats?

[1:04:40] They're rolling in the deep out there.

[1:04:40] Because they're Weevil Waffles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:42] They can't fall down.

[1:04:43] People are rolling in the deep out there.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:46] Because they're on Molly.

[1:04:48] Anyway.

[1:04:50] So.

[1:04:51] Couldn't see my face just then, but it was complete.

[1:04:53] What was that all about?

[1:04:56] This one goes like this.

[1:04:57] As one of your few loyal Scottish listeners, I have to congratulate you on the super great job you did of capturing my native brogue.

[1:05:05] Not since Mike Myers Shrek or Christopher Lambert in Highlander has the Scottish accent sounded so natural.

[1:05:10] I dare say your mastery of the Scots tongue is even on par with local boy James McAvoy's American accent in Wanted.

[1:05:18] Cheers, guys.

[1:05:19] Craig, country withheld.

[1:05:22] So, uh, thank you for.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:24] Ah, many thanks to ye.

[1:05:27] We're a bunch of Scottish fellas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:30] Oh, wow.

[1:05:30] That was pretty good.

[1:05:31] Yeah, see?

[1:05:31] I was practicing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:33] It's me, Scrooge McDuck.

[1:05:36] That's pretty good.

[1:05:37] Of Scotland.

[1:05:39] Sounds like a Russian mobster who killed Scrooge McDuck and was trying to impersonate him.

[1:05:43] It's me, Scrooge McDuck.

[1:05:45] Give me the pass to your money bin.

[1:05:48] I lost key to a money bin.

[1:05:52] Well, let's let me in.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:53] It's very important.

[1:05:54] Beagle Boys, hot on tail.

[1:05:56] Please.

[1:05:58] For please.

[1:05:59] Magic of the spell is behind with much wanting for my Wonder Woman die.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:05] I have been out with much gizmoing of ducks and now I will launch Pad McQuack into bin.

[1:06:11] Yes?

[1:06:12] Ah.

[1:06:13] Oh, but I mean yes.

[1:06:14] I mean ah.

[1:06:15] I.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:18] Lafroig.

[1:06:21] Boise moi.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] So why did that letter about Scotland turn into us doing Russian accents?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:27] Because we're more comfortable with that accent.

[1:06:28] I guess so.

[1:06:29] Clearly.

[1:06:30] So this is the next episode.

[1:06:33] This is the next episode of the show.

[1:06:34] This is the next episode of Letters.

[1:06:37] Letters is filmed for a live studio audience.

[1:06:41] Letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] Previously on Letters, I'm from Scotland and I like the Scottish accent you did.

[1:06:45] I'm being sarcastic.

[1:06:46] Bang, bang, bang.

[1:06:47] Ah.

[1:06:48] Someone's killed a letter.

[1:06:51] Today on Letters, she wrote.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:54] Do, do, do.

[1:06:55] Um.

[1:06:56] So in this one episode, Elliot referred to the episode of Saved by the Bell.

[1:07:01] Are we in the letter now?

[1:07:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:02] We're going on.

[1:07:04] Or are you just pre-associating?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:06] Are you even reading a letter?

[1:07:08] Like, we'll look at the fucking page afterwards and we'll be blank and we'll be like, oh my

[1:07:13] God, what happened?

[1:07:14] He's been inventing the letters the whole time.

[1:07:16] They were never real.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:18] Nobody likes Dan.

[1:07:19] This is an even messier episode than normal.

[1:07:22] Mark Messier.

[1:07:23] In one episode, Elliot.

[1:07:24] I'm just, I'm just taunting my brother.

[1:07:26] Yeah.

[1:07:26] Elliot referred to the episode of Saved by the Bell or SBTB as we bellheads like to call

[1:07:31] it.

[1:07:32] Bill Lens.

[1:07:32] Yeah, that's good.

[1:07:33] Yeah.

[1:07:33] Saveys.

[1:07:35] Where Zach finds out that he's 164th Native American.

[1:07:38] He says that there's no B-plot, which is super weird because the B-plot is so much crazier

[1:07:42] than the A-plot.

[1:07:43] Holy shit, dudes.

[1:07:44] No way.

[1:07:44] What was the B-plot?

[1:07:45] I don't remember.

[1:07:45] In it, Jesse Spano, environmentist liberal lady, finds out that she's 164th slave fucking

[1:07:52] traitor.

[1:07:53] Apparently, her great-grandparents or whatever captained a slave ship.

[1:07:57] She spends the whole episode trying to make it up to Lisa Turtle, who is black, by, I

[1:08:01] don't know, carrying her books or some shit.

[1:08:02] Oh, yeah.

[1:08:03] I remember that.

[1:08:03] Lisa Turtle weirdly doesn't seem to care at all.

[1:08:05] It's wicked mockers.

[1:08:06] Ryan, last name withheld.

[1:08:07] Why would Lisa Turtle care?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:09] No.

[1:08:10] She's very wealthy.

[1:08:11] Yeah.

[1:08:12] Come on.

[1:08:12] Her family were probably slave owners, too.

[1:08:14] And in a way-

[1:08:15] In the 1970s.

[1:08:16] In a way, she has enslaved Screech.

[1:08:18] With the power of love.

[1:08:20] With her siren song.

[1:08:21] The sweetest slavery.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:24] Says, oh, sweet turtle, thou singest so well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:28] Pull thyself into thine shell, but take me with you.

[1:08:32] I will share those tight confines until the end of time.

[1:08:36] That's the end of the couplet that he wrote her.

[1:08:38] Mm-hmm.

[1:08:39] But thank you for that, I guess.

[1:08:42] Slow and steady may win the race, sweet turtle, but I shall win your heart.

[1:08:49] I am no jack rabbit, though I will jack off to your picture in the yearbook.

[1:08:54] Love, Screech.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:56] Those couplets were also reappropriated for the Entourage TV show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:00] Sweetest turtle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] Greatest of all the four dudes, or five dudes, I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] However many there are in the Entourage.

[1:09:13] How backwards thou capest?

[1:09:18] Thou once twerced out, but now I find thine weight has much droppeth.

[1:09:26] That's so stupid.

[1:09:29] How gooest thine tequila business?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:34] So this last letter.

[1:09:36] Dear Flophouse Management,

[1:09:39] I'm writing you to inquire about your Flophouse rates.

[1:09:41] How much does it cost for a bed for the night, and do you require payment in advance?

[1:09:45] I am a little tramp who has been looking after an adopted kid for the past five years.

[1:09:50] I'm currently on the run from the authorities after they showed up at our house

[1:09:53] and tried to take the kid to an orphanage.

[1:09:55] Fortunately, I climbed over some rooftops and jumped down to beat the guy in the back of their truck,

[1:09:59] and thus I successfully outwitted them.

[1:10:01] Hopefully, your Flophouse can now provide us with a reasonably priced bed for the night,

[1:10:05] and won't try to kidnap the kid to get the $1,000 reward for the police station.

[1:10:09] If your Flophouse doesn't allow children, that's okay,

[1:10:12] as I can sneak it in through the side window when you're not looking.

[1:10:15] I hope you are kind and sympathetic, Flophouse,

[1:10:18] and that our shenanigans will bring a smile to your heart, and perhaps a tear,

[1:10:21] and you will not be tempted to turn us into the authorities

[1:10:24] for the ample reward you would receive.

[1:10:26] I anxiously await your reply.

[1:10:28] Yours most truly, Charlie, last name withheld.

[1:10:32] P.S. Do not read this letter out loud,

[1:10:33] because it's only 1921 and talkies have not been invented yet.

[1:10:37] I think we were just fan fictions, guys.

[1:10:40] Yeah.

[1:10:41] The fictionist.

[1:10:42] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:44] That was fan fiction for the movie Dutch, right?

[1:10:47] Starring Ed O'Neill.

[1:10:50] Yeah.

[1:10:51] They start out.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:53] Those two start out at odds.

[1:10:55] Yeah.

[1:10:55] But then they learn to respect one another.

[1:10:57] God damn it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:57] Sure, once he starts showing him those nudie cards that he has with him.

[1:11:00] I remember that part.

[1:11:02] That was the kid.

[1:11:03] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:05] Billy the Kid.

[1:11:05] Disney's the Kid.

[1:11:07] It was Disney's the Kid, starring Bruce Willis as the grown-up version of the kid.

[1:11:10] With an airplane on the cover of that.

[1:11:12] I have to assume that the state of Charlie Chaplin was like,

[1:11:14] Disney, you're not calling that movie the kid.

[1:11:16] Call it Disney's the Kid.

[1:11:18] Yeah, but there's an airplane and stuff.

[1:11:20] Yeah.

[1:11:20] And for some reason, I think they're playing Wild Wild West in the soundtrack and the commercials.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:25] Yeah.

[1:11:26] That's one of the many movies that I have a very distinct memory of, like the DVD cover to it,

[1:11:33] but I have no idea what the movie's about at all.

[1:11:37] Is that the one where there's angels in the outfield?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:39] No, you're thinking of Fletch.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:44] So, you're thinking of the one where there's a rookie of the year.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:11:48] That's what I am thinking of.

[1:11:49] When he was the rookie in the Little Big League.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:51] Yeah, exactly.

[1:11:52] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:53] And there's that orangutan that plays baseball.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:55] It was a chimpanzee.

[1:11:57] The orangutan was a cowboy.

[1:11:58] What are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:58] Oh, okay.

[1:11:59] He checked in.

[1:12:00] No, wait.

[1:12:00] Dunstan was a chimpanzee, too.

[1:12:02] Dunstan can check in, but he can never check out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:05] Oh, no.

[1:12:05] Freddy Krueger killed Dunstan.

[1:12:08] The Big Green.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:09] Anyway, that was another kid's sports movie.

[1:12:12] So, thank you to all of the letter writers.

[1:12:17] We appreciate it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:18] May your pens ever be filled with ink.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:24] May your computers ever be able to type letters on them.

[1:12:29] I thought Stewart's was much more eloquent.

[1:12:32] Mine's more accurate.

[1:12:33] Mine's more accurate.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:33] And heartfelt.

[1:12:34] You laughed at me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:35] I take it back now.

[1:12:37] I take it back.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:39] So, this is the last segment of the podcast where we recommend movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:42] It's called Sleepy Dreams.

[1:12:44] That's where we discuss what we'll be dreaming about tonight.

[1:12:46] Okay.

[1:12:47] I'm going to dream that we're all in a rock and roll band.

[1:12:49] But the lead singer is my toddler son.

[1:12:52] Okay.

[1:12:53] He's the biggest sensation superstar, but I still have to cut up his food for him.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:57] Mm-hmm.

[1:12:57] I'm going to dream that we live inside a sandwich that a giant eats.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:00] No, that's frightening.

[1:13:01] It's going to be very scary.

[1:13:03] I guess the trick will be to eat as much of the sandwich as I can before the giant's teeth

[1:13:06] mush me into paste.

[1:13:08] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:08] So, I'll get a little bit of enjoyment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:10] Like, if I'm going to die now, my last moments will be spent full of sandwich.

[1:13:13] I'm taking you with me, giant.

[1:13:15] Bang, bang, bang.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:17] He would shrug off those bullets.

[1:13:18] No, but he's firing them from inside his mouth.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:20] Yeah, that's right.

[1:13:21] Oh, okay.

[1:13:22] That would be pretty painful.

[1:13:22] Little Shop of Horrors style.

[1:13:24] I mean, it didn't work in that, but...

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:26] There's a giant in that movie?

[1:13:28] It's called...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:28] I need to watch it.

[1:13:29] It's called The Giant vs. The Little Shop of Horrors.

[1:13:32] It makes the shop look that much littler.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:34] So, this is the part of the podcast where we recommend a movie we actually like, as opposed

[1:13:37] to Jim and the Holograms.

[1:13:41] I'm going to recommend a movie that's kind of along the same theme.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:45] It's called Jim and the Holograms.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:47] So, all you cowpokes and cowgirls out there, I'm going to recommend a movie called Slow

[1:13:53] West.

[1:13:54] Now, Slow West is a little western movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:57] Because of the robot with the holograms in Slow West?

[1:14:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:01] So, Slow West came out last year.

[1:14:03] There was a robot with holograms.

[1:14:05] It's an artsy little western movie.

[1:14:09] And it follows a lovesick young man who is on his way west after the love of his life, who

[1:14:20] has run off to the west with her father, running from the law.

[1:14:25] And he falls in with a grim bounty hunter with a mysterious past played by one, Michael Fassbender.

[1:14:34] Along the way, they run into a variety of interesting characters, including the guy whose name just

[1:14:41] slipped out of my head, but was great in Bloodline and some other stuff.

[1:14:46] And it is a movie that has kind of a grim but interesting sense of humor.

[1:14:55] And it's shot well.

[1:14:56] And it's acted well.

[1:14:58] And I would recommend it if you're looking for a western that is a little bit different.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:06] I re-watched a movie recently that I've seen several times before, but still held up like gangbusters.

[1:15:15] And that is Miller's Crossing, the Coen Brothers film that is one of my favorites.

[1:15:24] It is a movie that the first time I saw it, I was less than impressed by.

[1:15:30] But I think it's a movie that you have to watch once kind of to just understand what's happening

[1:15:37] in it.

[1:15:38] Because it's got a very convoluted plot and you have to just sort of figure out what

[1:15:44] everyone's motivations for doing everything is.

[1:15:47] But once you have that, you can focus on the characters.

[1:15:53] You can sort of speculate about what deeper emotions are sort of under the surface of each

[1:16:05] of the characters and each of the scenes as they make the choices that they make.

[1:16:09] And it's a very violent movie.

[1:16:15] It's a very exciting movie.

[1:16:16] It's based on...

[1:16:17] It's noir based in part on The Glass Key and also I think a little bit on Red Harvest.

[1:16:24] There's a lot of Red Harvest in there.

[1:16:26] And it's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:27] The General Dashiell Hammett oeuvre.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:29] Yeah.

[1:16:31] But I recommend it quite a lot.

[1:16:33] It's a very sort of poetic movie for being a gangster film.

[1:16:37] And it's beautifully shot, among other things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:41] I remembered who I was thinking of.

[1:16:43] His name's Ben Mendelsohn.

[1:16:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:46] I'm going to recommend a movie that I feel is on similar themes to Gem and the Holograms.

[1:16:51] Okay.

[1:16:52] It is also about women coming of age in a way after dealing with the death of a father

[1:16:58] and having to live with an aunt.

[1:16:59] And it's called Cria Cuervos.

[1:17:01] It's directed by Carlos Sora.

[1:17:03] And it's from the mid-70s.

[1:17:06] And it's about these three sisters.

[1:17:09] The middle sister is eight years old and she's the main character.

[1:17:12] And their father dies and they're sent to live with an aunt who's trying to take care of them

[1:17:19] the best that she can.

[1:17:19] But she's having trouble because the middle sister is really still grieving for the death

[1:17:23] of their mother, which happened a little bit earlier.

[1:17:26] And she is kind of drifting through life and has a number of strange experiences.

[1:17:32] She has kind of visions of her mother speaking to her.

[1:17:36] And she finds a lot of solace in this one pop song called Porqué Te Vas.

[1:17:43] No, no, called, yeah, Porqué Te Vas.

[1:17:46] That plays a couple times and is very catchy.

[1:17:49] But it's a real, like, one of these movies from the 70s where I feel like there was this

[1:17:54] international explosion, for whatever reason, in movies that kind of captured what it feels

[1:17:59] like to be a child at various either happy or unhappy points in your life.

[1:18:04] And this is one of those.

[1:18:06] And I really liked it a lot.

[1:18:07] And it kind of captured for me what it is like to be a young child who is not connecting

[1:18:13] with the world around them.

[1:18:14] There's a lot in it that's also allegorical about Spain under Franco in the 70s.

[1:18:18] But we don't really have to get into that.

[1:18:21] That's nothing.

[1:18:21] That's, you can watch it.

[1:18:23] Let's dig into it.

[1:18:24] Like in The Devil's Backbone?

[1:18:26] Kind of, except that's set in the 30s, isn't it?

[1:18:28] Yeah, I think you're right.

[1:18:29] But you don't have to know anything about Spanish history to get something out of it.

[1:18:33] It just kind of, things about the movie might make more sense to you.

[1:18:37] But it was really good.

[1:18:39] And I recommend it.

[1:18:39] Kria Quervos.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:42] So.

[1:18:43] We did it.

[1:18:44] Come to the end of another one.

[1:18:46] Next time.

[1:18:46] This is a perfect episode.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:47] 200.

[1:18:48] No flubs.

[1:18:49] No jubs.

[1:18:51] Not a single jub.

[1:18:52] Except for just now.

[1:18:53] When you said the word jub.

[1:18:57] That was the first flub.

[1:18:58] Oh, wow.

[1:18:59] Okay.

[1:19:00] So 98%.

[1:19:01] That's not bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:02] That was 98.

[1:19:03] That was 2% of all the words said in the episode.

[1:19:06] It was the word jub.

[1:19:08] Because we said 50 words.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:13] We're known for being tight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:15] Tight and concise.

[1:19:16] This almost an hour and a half long podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:20] So you can go to a feature length film.

[1:19:23] Just put on this podcast.

[1:19:25] And it would be.

[1:19:26] Be like when.

[1:19:27] What's that band you like so much?

[1:19:29] The Flaming Lips.

[1:19:30] Yeah.

[1:19:30] Did that song that you liked so much.

[1:19:32] Wait, what?

[1:19:34] Where did you go to that microcosmos.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:36] And just put on their record.

[1:19:37] And you're like, this is great.

[1:19:39] Yeah.

[1:19:39] You should go to a movie that's about 90 minutes long.

[1:19:43] And.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:43] Pretend.

[1:19:43] Put these earbuds.

[1:19:44] Yeah.

[1:19:44] Pretend this is the DVD commentary.

[1:19:47] And see how.

[1:19:48] I mean, really only works for Jim and the holograms.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:51] And only barely then.

[1:19:54] A lot of this movie is not about letters.

[1:19:56] I don't understand why they're talking about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:57] See if you can find a movie where it's like.

[1:19:59] Dark Side of the Moon.

[1:20:01] And Wizard of Oz.

[1:20:03] Where it matches up perfectly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:04] Or microcosmos.

[1:20:05] Which I just talked about.

[1:20:06] Okay.

[1:20:08] The bug documentary?

[1:20:09] Yeah.

[1:20:09] That's what the Flaming Lips did.

[1:20:11] I didn't know that.

[1:20:12] Oh, really?

[1:20:12] Yeah.

[1:20:12] Isn't Soft Bulletin supposed to be.

[1:20:14] Supposed to match up with microcosmos?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:15] I prefer my lips.

[1:20:17] Inflammable.

[1:20:18] Oh.

[1:20:20] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:22] The ball's in your court.

[1:20:23] I gotta check out that microcosmos thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:25] Because 420, dude.

[1:20:26] I forgot you're still blazed.

[1:20:28] Oh, man.

[1:20:28] Dank buds.

[1:20:29] Oh, he's not too high to call back.

[1:20:31] Yeah.

[1:20:32] Good night, everyone.

[1:20:33] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:20:35] Oh, I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:37] And I think I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:20:38] Let me check yes.

[1:20:39] I wrote my name on the label of my Mac Weldon underpants.

[1:20:42] Good night, everyone.

[1:20:44] Sam Neill.

[1:20:49] In what dimension would you not need eyes?

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:51] I don't know.

[1:20:52] The first dimension?

[1:20:53] Wait.

[1:20:54] Which is Flatland?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:56] Flatland is 2D, right?

[1:20:58] Yeah.

[1:20:58] I guess.

[1:20:59] Or maybe it's.

[1:21:00] No, maybe it's.

[1:21:00] No, I think it's 2D.

[1:21:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:01] Man, Arch, you are gonna be a fucking problem.

[1:21:05] Speaking about arching.

[1:21:08] Archie.

[1:21:09] Get down.

[1:21:11] Maximumfun.org.

[1:21:13] Comedy and culture.

[1:21:14] Artist owned.

[1:21:15] Listener supported.

S4

[1:21:18] I'm Allegra Ringo, a dog owner.

[1:21:20] And I'm Renee Colbert, a dog wanter.

[1:21:21] And we host a show called Can I Pet Your Dog?

[1:21:24] The podcast for unapologetic dog lovers.

[1:21:27] You can find us every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes.

[1:21:30] So, now what is this?

[1:21:31] Is this just a podcast where all we do is talk about dogs?

[1:21:34] Sort of.

[1:21:35] We definitely have a segment called Dogs We Met This Week.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:38] Where we tell you about, you know, dogs we met this week.

S4

[1:21:40] We also have a segment called Dog Heroes.

[1:21:42] As well as Cool Dog Tech and Stupid Dog Tech.

[1:21:45] We also have some of your favorite celebrities.

[1:21:47] Lin-Manuel Miranda, who did Hamilton, has been a guest.

[1:21:50] We've got Leslie Margarita.

[1:21:52] We've had Nicole Byer, Anne Wheaton.

[1:21:54] All the best dog-related celebrities.

[1:21:57] So, check us out every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes.

[1:22:01] Can I pet your dog?

[1:22:02] Can I pet your dog?

[1:22:03] With Renee and Allegra.

[1:22:04] C-I-P-Y-D.

[1:22:07] Yeah!

Ep. #199 - Jem and the Holograms

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