Best of the Flop House 2: Ep. 76-125

[0:00] But my brother brought up how much he had always liked the score to Inspector Gadget.

Dan McCoy

[0:10] And I had waves of nostalgia come over me.

[0:13] I go to YouTube.

[0:14] I look at some Inspector Gadget-related videos on YouTube.

[0:18] And I scroll down to the comments section.

[0:22] And one comment on one of the Inspector Gadget-related videos catches my eye.

[0:27] And it simply says,

[0:28] What if Penny met a dinosaur?

[0:32] And in all small letters, there was something sort of plaintive about it that caught my eye.

[0:39] I found this particularly beguiling.

Stuart Wellington

[0:41] Is there anybody listening to me here?

[0:44] What if Penny met a dinosaur?

Elliott Kalan

[0:49] My message in a bottle.

[0:51] A question that will never be answered by Canonical Inspector Gadget.

[0:56] Certainly not by Deke, the animation studio that did Inspector Gadget.

Dan McCoy

[0:59] So I posted about this actually on Facebook.

[1:03] I posted about the what if Penny met a dinosaur comment on Facebook.

[1:08] And this firestorm of Inspector Gadget commentary erupts.

[1:13] But my friend Kelly says, you know, like that she thinks that if you plugged the phrase, what if Penny met a dinosaur into the internet, then you would reach the end of the internet.

[1:22] And so I actually Google this.

[1:25] You know, I Google what if Penny met a dinosaur.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] Your job really absorbs you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29] You get full satisfaction from it.

[1:32] And I find, I find.

[1:33] There's a point when a job becomes a career, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] It's called the terminus S, if you will.

[1:40] So following this, this train, you know, it's like all the president's men.

[1:44] I'm following the money, but I'm following.

[1:46] You're following the penny.

[1:47] Yeah, I'm following the money train.

[1:49] So I click on another link that Google coughs up for me.

[1:54] And it is, it appears to be some sort of bondage inflected illustration of an older Penny.

[2:03] You know, I, what's the, what's the rule?

[2:06] If it exists, there's pornography relating to it.

[2:09] It's like a rule 34.

[2:11] Yeah, I think Socrates came up with that.

[2:12] No, this is like, this is like an internet meme.

[2:15] Like if it exists, there's pornography.

[2:16] Like, so, but there's a bondage themed photo.

[2:19] And I scroll down, like wondering why.

[2:21] Like a photo or a.

[2:22] Not a photo.

[2:23] Sorry.

[2:23] It's an illustration.

[2:25] It's a, it's a cartoon that someone.

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] So what strong style?

[2:27] Like Ashcan school or what, you know.

[2:29] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] I don't know.

[2:30] It's an older Penny tied up.

[2:32] Great tone.

[2:32] Great scale.

[2:33] But I scroll down to the comment section of this.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] Because of course this has comments as well.

Dan McCoy

[2:37] And in the comments, someone says, what if Penny met a dinosaur?

Elliott Kalan

[2:43] So what you thought was a kind of adorable plaintive cry.

[2:47] No.

[2:47] Turns out was a request for bondage themed.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] Possibly.

[2:50] Bestiality of Penny porn.

[2:52] So I go, I go back to the Google search.

[2:54] I click on the next one down.

[2:56] Same site.

[2:57] A less disturbing picture, illustration of Penny.

[3:00] Oh my goodness.

[3:01] But I scroll down.

[3:01] She's doing better.

[3:02] I scroll down.

[3:03] And again, what if Penny met a dinosaur?

[3:07] So now I'm intrigued by this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] I click on this guy's user.

[3:10] You're bordering dangerously close to an obsession that will lead you into a web of deceit.

[3:16] And seduction.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] It's going to lead me to fear.com.

[3:21] No, I like the seduction angle.

[3:23] So I click on this guy's username.

[3:26] And I find like this.

[3:28] Love games.

[3:30] Starring Dan.

[3:30] I click on this guy's username and I get this message that says, this user has been permanently banned from this site.

[3:38] Wow.

[3:39] For, I assume, asking too much about Penny and this fucking dinosaur.

[3:42] Yeah.

[3:43] You asked the wrong questions.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] You made some powerful enemies on the Penny bondage site.

[3:47] He followed the money trail.

[3:49] Yeah.

[3:50] So guys, I...

[3:51] To me, what you're saying is don't go chasing waterfalls.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] What I loved about this whole experience, though, was like peeling back the layers of the onion.

[4:01] There was always something new to discover.

[4:04] So are you plugging being a fucking kid detective?

[4:07] Like what?

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] And let's look at what you discovered.

[4:10] You discovered that there's an Inspector Gadget themed bondage porn site.

[4:14] And that someone has irritated the moderator of this site.

Stuart Wellington

[4:19] Fucking congratulations, dude.

[4:21] You cracked it.

[4:22] Yeah.

[4:22] Super salute McCoy over here.

[4:24] Regular encyclopedia Brown.

[4:26] Fuck you, Billy Quiz boy.

[4:28] You get the fucking key to the city.

[4:30] Key to the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[4:31] Oh, it's too bad your dad, the police chief, can't tell anyone about his genius detective son.

Stuart Wellington

[4:39] Oh, man.

[4:40] You guys just don't understand the beauty of what I've discovered.

[4:43] Because you know when you start turning over rocks, you're going to find some snails.

Dan McCoy

[4:48] Yeah, that's for sure.

[4:50] It was a fitting story for this bad movie podcast.

[4:54] But guys, seriously, I guess what I'm asking is, I guess ultimately though, what I'm asking is, what if Penny met a dinosaur?

[5:00] Because that commenter was me.

[5:03] Bum, bum, bum.

[5:07] Yeah, I don't know what would happen.

[5:09] What if Penny, I don't know.

[5:10] She'd probably get eaten by the dinosaur.

[5:12] Depends on the kind of dinosaur.

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Yeah, well, a brontosaurus probably wouldn't eat her.

Dan McCoy

[5:15] Yeah, yeah.

[5:16] It would eat vegetables.

Stuart Wellington

[5:18] Yeah, vegetables.

[5:19] Unless she and fucking Brain were dressed up as like a tree or something.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] Which, who knows, one of Inspector Gadget's employees might have made that happen.

[5:27] Brain always had to hide in costumes.

[5:29] Because the sight of a dog would destroy him.

Dan McCoy

[5:33] And then Inspector Gadget would say,

[5:35] It's a mad agent!

[5:36] And then wacky hijinks would ensue, guys.

[5:39] Remember?

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] Yep, and Don Adams would deposit the check.

[5:41] Yep.

[5:42] At his bank account.

[5:44] And then go on to do some Wendy's commercials.

[5:45] DIC.

[5:48] Anyway.

[5:49] So that's my story.

[5:51] Well, it's not really your story.

[5:54] That was like...

[5:55] It's part of like humanity's grander story.

[5:56] Well, it's going to be my story when I write a screenplay about it.

[5:59] That was like an H.P. Lovecraft story where someone's reading through like journal entries left behind.

[6:03] Except instead of a monster, it was the dumbest question ever asked.

[6:07] Whoa!

Dan McCoy

[6:09] Guys, what if Penny met a dinosaur has been sweeping the nation?

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] Yeah, Rebecca Black has nothing on what if Penny met a dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[6:16] So these last two messages...

[6:19] Are about what if Penny met a dinosaur.

[6:21] Yeah, the first one says...

[6:23] Written by Dan to Dan.

[6:25] The first one is from Brendan, last name with hell.

[6:28] And he says,

[6:28] So I googled what if Penny met a dinosaur.

[6:31] And the guy who made the comment on YouTube had just made the comment,

[6:35] Would you touch April's boobs?

[6:37] You, the letter you.

[6:39] On a video of April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[6:42] I thought you should be updated.

[6:45] So, they're carrying on the tradition, the investigative tradition that I started with.

Stuart Wellington

[6:50] I do want to point out that the person who wrote the letter's name was Brendan, or Bren Dan.

[6:55] Oh!

[6:56] See?

[6:57] You gotta find the clues.

[6:58] Put the pieces of the puzzle together.

[7:00] So intricate.

Dan McCoy

[7:01] Worlds and worlds.

[7:02] It's like the Westing game.

[7:05] Okay, well this is a similar...

[7:08] Would you touch April's boobs?

[7:09] Would you...

[7:09] What a ridiculous comment.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] Well, that's why he put it on the internet.

[7:14] For the entire world to see what I said.

[7:16] Unless it's what he was saying.

Elliott Kalan

[7:17] He was watching this clip from Ninja Turtles.

[7:18] And he's going,

[7:19] Would you just touch April's boobs already?

[7:21] Come on, Raphael.

[7:22] I don't even know why I'm telling you.

[7:24] Because, I mean...

[7:24] Come on, other reporter that works at the station.

Dan McCoy

[7:27] Obviously, April...

[7:28] Come on, Krang.

[7:29] As an animated character...

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] Bebop, come on.

[7:32] You're leaving money on the table here.

[7:34] You can see she wants it.

Stuart Wellington

[7:37] Rocksteady'd be so upset.

Dan McCoy

[7:40] Continue.

[7:40] No, I'm just...

[7:41] As an animated character, you know, like...

[7:42] Obviously, you can't.

[7:43] So, like, in that context, it doesn't work.

[7:45] But he's saying if she was real...

[7:47] Yeah, unless it's like Cool World or something.

[7:49] April's boobs.

[7:49] If you were in Cool World, then why wouldn't you?

[7:53] Yeah, you wouldn't.

[7:54] No, that's...

[7:54] You would.

[7:55] So he's not...

Elliott Kalan

[7:56] So he's not wondering why Baxter Stockman is not groping.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] Maybe that was directed at us through the medium of YouTube comments.

[8:04] Maybe he knew that we would...

[8:06] That we'd be brought to our attention by Brendan, last name with help.

[8:10] That's good stuff.

[8:11] So this last thing came in...

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] I want to meet that guy.

[8:14] So, or not meet him, but I want to know who he is so badly.

Dan McCoy

[8:16] Well, this is another piece of the puzzle.

[8:18] This last thing comes in from at Unsupervised on Twitter.

[8:22] He sent a direct message to us, or he sent an at message, at the Flophouse Pod.

[8:30] Is that our Twitter presence?

[8:31] Yeah, that's our Twitter presence.

[8:33] And Unsupervised says, this goes even deeper than just Penny.

[8:37] And he sent a Google search he had done with the words Metadinosaur and this gentleman's username.

[8:45] And so this gentleman also wants to know what would happen if these various characters Metadinosaur...

[8:51] Kermit, Bob from Sesame Street, Zach Wheezy from Dragon Tales, I don't know what that is, Ernie and Bert, Arthur the Aardvark, Grover, Super Grover...

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] It's Grover and Super Grover...

[9:05] I hate to bring it.

[9:06] The news to everybody.

[9:07] What?

[9:07] Grover and Super Grover are the same Grover.

[9:09] It's just in.

[9:10] Spoiler alert.

[9:10] Same monster.

Dan McCoy

[9:11] Big Bird, Telly, Abby Cadabby, Buddy the Dinosaur.

[9:16] That's sort of conceptual.

[9:17] He's already a dinosaur.

[9:18] I assume he met a dinosaur when he was born.

[9:21] He met himself.

[9:22] Elmo.

[9:23] And then lastly, Roy G. Biv, the mnemonic to remember the hues of the visible spectrum.

[9:30] So...

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] So every...

[9:32] I guess the internet is abuzz over what would happen if these characters met dinosaurs.

[9:36] What a weird thing for this...

[9:39] To become the secondary reason for this podcast to exist.

[9:42] Bad movies and investigating this guy.

[9:44] Yeah.

[9:45] Who loves to find out if...

Dan McCoy

[9:46] So, also, if you're confused by this whole conversation...

[9:50] Go back and listen to the Oscar episode.

[9:53] The Flop-tacular.

Elliott Kalan

[9:54] Which you probably skipped because we weren't talking about a movie.

[9:56] Yeah.

[9:57] But Dan told a...

[9:58] But it's a riveting tale.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] It's a canonical episode.

[10:00] So we're now going to be referring back to it.

[10:02] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] It'll be in the Flophouse Essentials album.

[10:05] Yeah.

[10:06] Dan, I think your story will be anthologized probably at some point.

Dan McCoy

[10:10] Yeah.

[10:11] It's probably...

[10:11] StoryCorps is going to put that...

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] Put that...

[10:14] We've got to record this for future generations.

[10:17] He's a house cat.

[10:18] You ruin every contest.

[10:21] I'm the contest ruiner.

[10:22] Yep.

[10:23] Yeah.

[10:24] That was my Batman villain character.

[10:26] Really?

[10:27] Yeah.

[10:27] He just keeps, like...

[10:29] He just ruined contests, which is not technically a crime.

Dan McCoy

[10:33] Just Bruce Wayne is, like, a real, like, contest aficionado.

[10:36] He just loves him.

[10:37] He loves contests.

S4

[10:38] Well, Batman, it looks like you've won this scratcher.

[10:41] But I'm going to scratch everything off.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] Oh, contest ruiner.

[10:45] Like, Bruce Wayne's sitting in the movies and the screen scramble is up.

[10:49] And the contest ruiner just yells out the answer.

S4

[10:52] It's Indiana Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[10:53] I didn't even get a chance to read it yet.

S4

[10:56] Oops.

[10:57] Guess I ruined your contest.

[11:00] Oh, and I'm going to ruin the movie, too.

[11:03] The bureau gets adjusted.

[11:06] Spoiler alert.

[11:08] That's my sidekick.

[11:13] Who's just me because I can't afford a real sidekick?

[11:16] You're so lucky that you have your own ward.

[11:19] Man, I wish.

[11:21] I wish I could feed myself.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] Oh, the movie's been going for ten minutes.

[11:25] I don't know what's happening because he keeps talking.

S4

[11:27] I told you.

[11:28] The bureau gets adjusted.

[11:34] That's me ruining your day.

Dan McCoy

[11:37] Yeah, the contest ruiner is branching out into just ruining movies.

S4

[11:40] Oh, I hope he doesn't team up with seven pounds.

[11:44] New contest.

[11:46] Those of you who are artists, why don't you draw us a few panels of Batman versus the contest ruiner?

Elliott Kalan

[11:52] See, now that's a good contest.

[11:53] That's a good contest.

[11:54] Considering unsolicited, we have people sending in pictures of Penny from Inspector Gadget fighting a dinosaur.

[11:59] Yeah.

S4

[12:00] Well, now you've got something else to kill your day with.

[12:04] As you're listening to this podcast, hating the job you're in, doodling on some graph paper, why don't you doodle something with purpose?

[12:12] I'm speaking specifically about one of you who works with graph paper.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] And the prize is the feeling of accomplishment you get after having drawn the contest ruiner.

[12:22] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[12:23] Yeah.

[12:23] Whoa!

[12:25] Like, the first 25 minutes of this movie were pretty fun.

[12:28] It moves really fast and there's a lot of battling.

[12:30] But it gets very slow and very boring and kind of generic.

[12:35] But the thing that bugs me about this movie is it's a movie that's saying, you know how in the Middle Ages they accused a lot of women of being witches and then burned them?

[12:42] They were right.

[12:43] Mm-hmm.

[12:44] There were a shitload of witches.

[12:45] Yeah.

[12:45] They caused the plague and if we didn't have the witches, the plague wouldn't have happened.

[12:50] Everything's demons and witches.

[12:51] It's like, I don't, I can't buy into that.

[12:53] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[12:54] Uh, justifying genocide through a sci-fi movie I think is probably the best way.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] Yeah, it's, it just seems very strange for them to take the side of the witch killers.

[13:03] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[13:04] Well, uh, I guess some of us don't love witches like you do, Elliot.

[13:08] Uh.

[13:08] Wait, what?

[13:09] And you're.

[13:10] Wait, are you casting me as the bad guy?

[13:11] You're the husband of the devil and, uh, you.

[13:15] That's my wife you're talking about.

[13:17] Devilina.

Stuart Wellington

[13:19] I thought Elvira was the female version of the devil.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] Well, she's the mistress of the dark, but she's kind of goofy to be the female version of the devil.

[13:27] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[13:28] She's more interested in, uh, you know, cleavage related, uh, pursuits.

[13:32] Yes.

[13:33] What do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[13:34] Interest, cleavage.

[13:37] Yes, uh, the new issue of Cleavage Aficionado is in.

[13:40] So Elvira again, that's weird.

[13:41] Okay.

[13:42] She's on the cover of every issue, either her or McGann of the Kissing Bandit.

[13:48] And once Miss Piggy.

Dan McCoy

[13:52] It, it feels like when Paltrow, the actress, being like, this is the scene.

[13:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] This is what's going to win me that Oscar.

Dan McCoy

[13:59] I'm going to.

[13:59] Either that or one of the scenes where I yell.

[14:01] Me and the sick child.

Stuart Wellington

[14:02] That's what's going to put me over the edge.

[14:04] The one where she yells about her, her dead baby bird or whatever.

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:07] Okay.

[14:08] Or wait, did that not happen?

Elliott Kalan

[14:09] I don't.

[14:10] They kind of gloss over what happens to the bird.

[14:11] They probably cut that out.

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] That was in the, the, the alternate ending that we didn't get to see.

[14:14] The original ending.

Elliott Kalan

[14:16] They walk in on her.

[14:17] This is my assumption.

[14:19] Okay.

[14:19] Because I read, I read that the DVD has the original ending, but we don't know what it is.

[14:23] We didn't watch the DVD.

[14:24] We watched it on, off of TiVo.

[14:26] Uh, so here's what I imagine.

[14:28] They walk into her room.

[14:30] There's pills on the table.

[14:31] They can't wake her up.

[14:32] Uh-oh.

[14:32] They're going, Kelly, Kelly, wake up.

[14:35] Oh, what did you do?

[14:36] Kelly, Kelly.

[14:37] And they're, oh God, she's dead.

[14:39] She pops up.

[14:40] Gotcha.

[14:40] I'm okay.

[14:42] But my bird is dead.

[14:43] Cut to the funeral.

[14:44] Tiny casket.

[14:45] Bird funeral.

[14:46] Sure.

[14:46] Paul Bearer, the sidekick of the Undertaker.

[14:50] Yes.

[14:50] Okay.

[14:51] That's weird.

[14:53] He's, he's performing the service.

Stuart Wellington

[14:55] WWE, country music, I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] Yeah, they put a tiny shoebox into the dirt.

[14:59] They put, but there's a huge monument above it.

[15:02] Oh, of course.

[15:02] Like many, many times life size.

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:05] And for some reason, the bird has a book tucked under its wing.

[15:07] And in the other wing, it holds a star.

[15:10] Okay.

[15:11] So it's like a songbird.

[15:12] And she says, for you, birdie bird.

[15:15] Because she's already forgotten Loretta Lynn is the name of the bird.

[15:17] Okay.

[15:18] For you, birdie bird, I will continue to be.

[15:20] And she turns to the camera, close up, look at the camera.

[15:22] Country strong.

[15:23] Title comes up.

[15:24] You hear a gunshot for some reason, but no one's heard.

[15:26] Just like an exciting, like, pew, pew.

[15:29] Fireworks go off.

[15:29] You seem to be the same, sure.

[15:30] Then we cut to obligatory rap scene.

[15:34] Okay.

[15:34] She tells the story of the movie in rap form.

[15:38] With like a fish eye lens.

[15:39] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] While the animated ghost of the dead bird flits around her shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] Well, the ghost of the dead bird is like her hype man.

[15:46] It's like, uh-huh.

[15:47] Yeah.

[15:48] Notting its head.

Stuart Wellington

[15:48] Like mugs from Cyber Sail.

[15:50] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] Okay.

[15:54] Yeah.

[15:54] And that's the end of the movie.

[15:55] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:55] And then as the credits roll, it cuts to Gwyneth Paltrow.

[15:59] And it says, two years later.

[16:01] And she's finally finishing the screenplay for country strong.

[16:04] Fingers covered in ink or whatever.

[16:06] Yeah.

[16:07] And she goes, perfect.

[16:07] From her computer.

[16:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] She goes, perfect.

[16:09] And then it says, country strong will return in country strong to country stronger.

[16:15] Oh, perfect.

[16:15] Original ending.

[16:16] I don't know why they changed it.

[16:17] I don't know why they changed it.

[16:18] For this downer.

[16:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:19] Oh, Sean Connery.

Elliott Kalan

[16:24] Highlander 2, The Quickening.

[16:27] He just advertises other movies in the middle of the movie.

[16:29] He was in that.

[16:30] Yeah.

[16:33] Welcome to Entrapment.

[16:35] If you want to see another movie with me, why not go watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?

Dan McCoy

[16:41] If you want to see me in a flop, see me in a real flop.

[16:47] Zardoz.

Elliott Kalan

[16:49] Just going to run around in a diaper for the whole movie.

[16:52] I got a mustache and a red diaper and a gun.

[16:54] What more do you need?

[16:56] And boots that go up to my knees.

[16:58] There's a floating stone head in that film, for God's sake.

[17:00] For God's sake.

[17:01] What more do you need to see it?

[17:03] There's a whole sequence where I just sit there in a cave with my wife and we turn into skeletons.

[17:09] What do I have to tell you to get you to see this movie?

Dan McCoy

[17:13] I would love it if that was the trailer for Zardoz.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] Just him describing it.

Dan McCoy

[17:17] There is some crazy shit in this film.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] We wear masks and rape people.

[17:23] It turns out it's the Wizard of Oz in the end.

[17:26] If I described it, you can't even believe it.

[17:29] You have to see it.

[17:29] There's all sorts of psychic shit with these women.

[17:32] I don't even know what was going on.

[17:34] But I'm in like a cocoon or something.

[17:36] You've got to see this.

[17:38] It's amazing.

[17:39] When does it come out?

[17:41] Look it up.

[17:42] This will blow your mind.

[17:46] Who's the Zardoz now, dog?

[17:49] Somebody's doing a trailer for a movie made a long time ago.

[17:53] This is for the re-release of Zardoz.

[17:55] Yeah.

[17:57] If you haven't seen it, you owe it to yourself.

Dan McCoy

[18:00] Yeah.

[18:00] For Zardoz 3D.

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] Zardoz 3D.

[18:03] You'll think that the giant stone head is just flying out of the screen at you.

[18:07] It's amazing.

[18:11] This would be a good story if it was like a five or six page EC Comics story hosted by the Crypt Keeper or the Old Witch or someone like that.

[18:20] He's just trying to set up a Crypt Keeper impression.

[18:23] You got me.

[18:24] Oh, boy.

[18:25] The scream house.

[18:27] Anyway, but the – yeah, it's just like not – there's nothing there and it's a waste of talent.

[18:33] I was just thinking about it.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] If like the Crypt Keeper missed the obvious pun.

[18:40] Looks like it's a real dream horse.

[18:45] There's no horse in there.

[18:46] Hold on.

[18:46] What do you say?

[18:47] There's no horse in there.

[18:48] That's not scary at all.

[18:50] I'm sorry.

[18:54] I've been very tired.

[18:56] There's been problems at home.

Elliott Kalan

[18:58] Really giving us a real look into the Crypt Keeper's private life.

[19:02] That I would say –

[19:03] A real look at the Crypt Keeper's privates.

[19:06] Dan, how old are you?

[19:09] I'm sorry.

[19:09] Dan just suddenly turned into a seven-year-old.

[19:11] I'm sorry.

[19:12] I said privates.

[19:14] I said private life and Dan in his mind just went to privates.

[19:18] I am appalled.

Stuart Wellington

[19:22] No, but think about it, Elliot.

[19:23] What would the Crypt Keeper's privates look like?

[19:25] They've rotted away.

[19:26] There's nothing there.

Dan McCoy

[19:27] It's just a pelvic bone.

[19:28] Yeah, there's not even a bone there.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] I mean that's the kind of soft tissue that really goes away almost instantly.

Stuart Wellington

[19:34] What if it was perfectly preserved?

[19:36] Like one of those bully sticks you feed your dog.

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] But what if it was perfectly preserved?

[19:47] What situation are you hoping that comes out of that?

[19:51] It's like this is like some sort of speculative like fiction.

[19:55] Well, we dealt with what if Petty met a dinosaur.

Stuart Wellington

[19:58] You need to take that idea and run with it.

[20:00] That's what you guys do as writers.

[20:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:02] I'm still dealing with what happens if Penny or Tom Petty meets a dinosaur.

Stuart Wellington

[20:08] Don't just name it Cowboys and aliens.

[20:10] Don't just name two things that are in the movie.

[20:13] Yeah.

[20:13] It seems very –

Elliott Kalan

[20:14] No, that's the way most serious movies are named.

[20:16] Oh, okay.

[20:16] Schindler's List, two things.

[20:18] There's a guy.

[20:18] He's got a list.

[20:19] Saving Private Ryan.

[20:21] Private Ryan.

[20:22] I mean that's what they're –

[20:22] Okay.

[20:23] And great savings.

Stuart Wellington

[20:25] Name it.

[20:26] Lots of –

[20:26] Great value.

[20:27] There's a great value in that movie.

[20:28] Huge.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] You get tons of berry pepper.

Dan McCoy

[20:31] It's a Memorial Day sale.

[20:31] So wait, are you getting savings on Private Ryan?

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] Yes.

[20:35] And in addition, savings on other merchandise in the department.

Dan McCoy

[20:38] So Private Ryan is sort of like a loss leader.

[20:41] It gets you in the door.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] Well, you're saving on products that are equal or lesser value than Private Ryan.

Dan McCoy

[20:45] Mm-hmm.

[20:47] Mm-hmm.

[20:48] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[20:49] Stu, you worked in retail.

[20:51] You couldn't get anything about this.

[20:53] So wait, could I get a Colonel Ryan or would Colonel Ryan be worth –

[20:57] Colonel Ryan is greater value.

Elliott Kalan

[20:58] So no.

[20:59] For this sales offer, it would not work.

[21:02] Okay.

[21:02] For this event.

[21:03] But the Private Ryan-a-thon is going on throughout the month of June.

[21:06] Hilarious.

[21:07] See anything you like on the shelves?

[21:09] Don't stop.

[21:09] Keep it up.

[21:10] Feel free to come in.

[21:11] He's a new character.

[21:11] Here's my card.

[21:12] Come in anytime.

[21:13] I like the salesman.

[21:14] Okay.

[21:14] We've got a lot of great privates on here.

[21:16] Ryan and otherwise.

[21:17] Do you have a commission on this or –

[21:19] Technically, yes.

Dan McCoy

[21:20] I do work on commission, so I'd appreciate if you –

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] I would love to make a sale.

[21:23] But again, this is about getting you and the right Private Ryan in the room together.

[21:27] That's fine.

Dan McCoy

[21:27] I'm just not buying the extended warranty on one of these Private Ryan's.

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] Are you – because it is a great machine.

[21:32] Yes, you won't experience a lot of problems, but safety is never –

[21:35] Stuart is out to get you.

[21:36] This is too expensive.

Stuart Wellington

[21:36] This manager makes him ask that.

[21:38] I know.

[21:38] He makes him ask that every time.

[21:39] I just did the upsell.

[21:40] The upsell bothers me.

Elliott Kalan

[21:41] Oh, the computer is showing me that that's already been included.

[21:43] I'm so sorry.

[21:45] I can talk to my manager, but usually he's not so crazy about special offers.

[21:49] This is my ass on the line, I know, but I'm willing to do it for you.

Stuart Wellington

[21:53] So saving Private Ryan was going to be watching Ryan.

[21:56] Dan, the manager is looking at you now.

[21:58] I know.

[21:58] Oh, God.

[22:00] I think he's coming over.

Dan McCoy

[22:02] So I heard you –

[22:04] The man of two voices.

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] You don't want this warranties?

Stuart Wellington

[22:10] It's called a Wellington setup.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] I like to think of Christian Slater now, like hunched over the computer, like, all right,

[22:18] what do we do with this?

[22:19] Okay, act three problems.

[22:21] Let's fix it.

[22:21] I guarantee you that he did not look at the script until day of.

[22:28] Do you think he knew he was in a movie or was it like Bowfinger?

[22:30] No, he knew very well what he was doing because he pulled me aside and said, Al, this is it.

[22:36] Let me tell you what we're doing here.

[22:37] This is a cash grab.

[22:40] Old CG.

[22:42] All right?

[22:42] We're going to do this and pretend it never happened.

Dan McCoy

[22:46] Rizzles veteran Christian Slater.

[22:48] As if this was a crime you were committing somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] Sure.

[22:51] No, and really did – I saw him look at his sides at some point and go, all right, let's do it.

[23:00] I love that attitude.

Dan McCoy

[23:02] All right, this is what you guys want to do.

[23:04] Let's go for it.

[23:04] I am 100% more forgiving of, like, the last 10 years in Christian Slater's career now that I've heard this.

[23:11] At some point, I think I was also looking at my sides and, like, thinking I was going to do my lines.

[23:17] To make sure we weren't splitting from all the hilarity.

[23:19] I was going to do my lines.

[23:22] And he looked at me like, just don't worry about that.

[23:27] And we were really –

[23:28] This isn't really one of those knowing your lines kind of movies.

[23:31] No, I really – it is an improvised movie.

[23:33] Hey, it's Stan here.

S5

[23:37] I'm bringing you this best of compilation of – the last one went up to episode 75.

[23:44] This covers 76 through 125.

[23:49] I'm bringing it to you now because it's MaxFunDrive.

[23:51] We are in full donation drive swing at MaximumFun.org.

[23:58] And the Flophouse comes out, as you know, just twice a month.

[24:03] Which means that if we had left it to our normal devices, there would have been only one MaxFun episode.

[24:10] And we wanted to give you more than that, not just out of the kindness of our heart.

[24:15] Because it would give us one more chance to ask you for donations.

[24:21] Please don't skip ahead on your machines.

[24:24] We will do a much longer and more thorough and more informative donation pitch to you with our regular episode,

[24:34] which also happens to be our 200th episode.

[24:38] And we have some very special stuff planned for that.

[24:42] But I just wanted to give a short pitch to you now.

[24:47] It's something that we do with our time.

[24:49] It's something that you find worthwhile.

[24:52] It's something that as we grow older, maybe it's harder to find the time to do.

[24:57] And I'm not saying that in a threatening way.

[24:59] It sounds like I'm extorting you.

[25:01] But if it's an endeavor that you have enjoyed and has brought you entertainment over the years,

[25:06] maybe you want to think of supporting it financially.

[25:10] I know that there are reasons that I won't go into,

[25:13] personal reasons that all three of us could use a little extra money this year.

[25:18] And certainly getting money from the Flophouse, as much as we love to do it,

[25:23] makes it easier for us to find the time, month in, month out, to put this show out there for you.

[25:31] Think to yourself, hey, what place do podcasts have in my life?

[25:36] What value do I give them?

[25:37] Because I know that for me, I listen to podcasts on my way to work, on my way back from work,

[25:44] more often than not when I'm walking around, when I'm doing my chores, when I'm doing errands.

[25:50] I find that these days podcasts are not supplementary entertainment for me.

[25:55] They are one of the first lines of entertainment.

[25:58] I get as much entertainment on podcasts as I do having television.

[26:04] And I pay for television.

[26:05] I pay for cable.

[26:07] I pay for Netflix.

[26:08] I pay for Hulu.

[26:09] Maybe I should pay for fewer of those things.

[26:12] But if you're the sort of person who values entertainment by paying for a streaming service,

[26:19] consider this.

[26:20] Consider that Maximum Fun is a streaming service that has brought you hours and hours of entertainment.

[26:26] And if you donate, there are all kinds of great gifts that are available for you.

[26:33] I will go over the gifts in detail again on our longer pitch on our regular show.

[26:40] But among those gifts, foremost among them is access to hundreds of hours of Maximum Fun bonus material.

[26:48] And if you want to hear the Flophouse's take on Entourage, the movie, that will only be available.

[26:58] That live show recording will only be available to listeners as a bonus episode if you are a donor.

[27:05] And there are a lot of other great gifts that come at all levels of donations.

[27:09] So I'm going to sign off for now because no one likes hearing too much from me when those other two jokers aren't around to interrupt me.

[27:15] But go to Maximum Fun forward slash donate and put your money where your ears are when it comes to the podcast that you love.

[27:26] And thank you for listening.

[27:28] He's the house cat.

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] Actually, you know what?

[27:30] I'd rather be in a aughts Cinemax series where it's one of those ones where it's a repackaged movie with scenes from 90s Cinemax shows.

[27:41] So it's a lot of people just sitting around going, I knew this couple once and they told me the craziest story.

[27:46] And then it just cuts to a sex scene.

[27:49] And then when it cuts back, the other people go, wow, that story was hot.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] You say that I wanted – I have for a long time wanted to do a stand-up bit about that very same thing.

[27:59] Like what is going on there?

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] What story are they telling?

[28:02] Were they there watching that?

[28:05] No, they always say they told me about it or they usually say.

Dan McCoy

[28:10] And what are they describing when they're like, oh, the two of them had sex?

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] Okay, first he was on top.

[28:16] He was on top, but then she was – he was behind her, and then she was on top.

[28:22] There were brief times they were doing reverse cowgirl.

Dan McCoy

[28:24] But all throughout it, one of them had their hands in front of their genitals, so you couldn't actually see.

[28:29] It feels like it was curiously edited down for some reason.

[28:33] And where the penis seems like it should be going into the vagina, it seemed like it was actually going into more of like, I don't know, the belly button region?

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] And there was an irritating rock and roll song that I've never heard anywhere else and never will hear anywhere again.

[28:45] That is a hot story.

[28:48] Why are we talking about sex stories again?

[28:50] I don't remember.

[28:51] Well, time to have sex, I guess.

[28:53] Credits.

Dan McCoy

[28:55] Right now, there are listeners across America saying the Flophouse has descended into madness.

[29:01] They are right.

[29:02] They're talking about the merest gibberish.

[29:04] This surely does not make any sense.

[29:07] But I think we need to talk about the plot.

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] Well, first, the first thing to know is your assumption that the Oogie Loves were a thing that existed and they made a movie out of it was wrong.

[29:15] This is a movie made by some of the people involved with the Americanized version of the Teletubbies.

[29:21] And I assume from putting that show out, they realized the lesson that kids will watch any shit as long as it's brightly colored and has made up words in it.

[29:28] So, hey, let's go through the movie and introduce everybody to the Oogie Loves because nobody saw this film.

Stuart Wellington

[29:36] This is going to be the most concise description of this plot that exists, right?

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] Well, I'll see if I can stretch it out.

[29:42] Okay, so the Oogie Loves, they introduce us by the beginning by just talking to the audience.

[29:46] They are three horrific costumed characters named Gooby, Zoozy, and Toofy.

Dan McCoy

[29:51] Imagine the Garbage Pail Kids crossed with Barney.

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] Yeah, I think that's a good way to think about it.

[29:55] Now, they each have their particular personality.

[30:00] Gooby is into science.

[30:01] He has glasses.

Dan McCoy

[30:02] He keeps talking about how things are science-tastic.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] Science-tastic.

[30:05] Zoozy can speak any language, but her catchphrase is sparklicious, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] Yeah.

[30:11] And it's feminine, right?

[30:13] And she's a girl.

[30:13] Yeah, that's what young girls like.

Dan McCoy

[30:16] Things are sparklicious.

[30:18] Things are gratitude that are sparklicious.

Elliott Kalan

[30:20] And then there's Toofy, the awesome party guy.

Dan McCoy

[30:23] The steward of the group.

[30:23] Very much the steward of the group.

Elliott Kalan

[30:25] He's totally the steward.

[30:26] And his thing is that his pants fall down all the time.

[30:29] So also the steward of the group.

Stuart Wellington

[30:30] And he likes to have fun all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[30:32] He comes out and says, I'm Toofy, and I like to have fun any way I can.

[30:36] Or something like that, which is creepy.

[30:39] No holds barred.

[30:40] You're in Toofy's world now.

[30:42] There's no safe word here.

[30:44] Are they in a band?

[30:45] Yes.

[30:46] They are in a band.

[30:46] And they're the Oogie Loves.

[30:47] They never quite explain what an Oogie Love is.

[30:50] But they are them.

Dan McCoy

[30:51] At the beginning of the movie, they explain so much about the Oogie Loves, except for what

[30:56] Oogie Loves is and why.

S5

[31:00] All right.

[31:00] Well, let's close out the mailbag with this last email.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] Closing up the mailbag.

[31:05] Zip it tight.

[31:06] Don't let those letters out.

[31:08] Letters want to jump and scream and shout.

[31:10] But zip up the mailbag.

[31:12] Keep them in.

[31:14] Replicate them.

[31:15] Makes it easier to bury them.

[31:18] Mailbag murder.

[31:20] Murder those letters in the mailbag.

[31:22] The mailbag murders.

[31:24] Starring Carrie Elwes.

[31:25] Sounds like a case for jazz.

[31:28] So, this final...

[31:29] So, he can't wait.

[31:30] Carrie Elwes as the mail.

Stuart Wellington

[31:32] As the mail.

[31:33] Jazz is on the case.

Elliott Kalan

[31:34] Final email's title.

Stuart Wellington

[31:35] After he bought that magical saxophone off that chipsy.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] Roar!

[31:41] This final email that we may not have time for anymore is titled, Why I'm Never Listening

[31:45] to Stewart Again.

[31:46] Yeah, we probably don't have time for this.

Elliott Kalan

[31:47] No, I think we need to hear final.

[31:49] This is a ding-dong related.

Dan McCoy

[31:51] It's from Ryan, last name withheld.

[31:53] He writes, I was recently visiting my parents and decided to peruse through the on-demand

[31:58] section of their cable provider.

[32:00] I stumbled upon one section with a completely nondescript title I've already forgotten.

[32:05] It contained a possibly endless list of films.

[32:09] I was in the low 1,000s by the time I hit movies beginning with the letter H.

[32:15] And as far as I could tell, it was a compendium of seen-by-nobody B-movies from the 80s and

[32:22] 90s, with an odd sprinkling of significantly more well-received films, such as Capote and

[32:27] Field of Dreams.

[32:28] What caught my eye, though, was a certain film called Head of the Family Unrated Edition.

[32:34] I don't think I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through such a horrendous plotting

[32:40] disaster that left me more confused than terrified.

[32:45] I don't know what is different in the unrated version, but I suspect that has something to

[32:51] do with the endless deluge of Jacqueline Lavelle nude scenes.

[32:55] I dread the day when I am startled by the sudden appearance of Invisible Maniac or Castle Freak

[33:01] in my life.

[33:02] Regards, Ryan.

Elliott Kalan

[33:04] This is, I think, the first complaint we've had off of a recommendation.

[33:07] Well, um...

Dan McCoy

[33:08] Stuart, your rebuttal?

[33:10] Well, I guess I've earned that.

[33:12] I have to say, if someone's complaining about endless Jacqueline Lavelle nude scenes, I don't

[33:17] know what's wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] Yeah, then there's nothing we can do to help you.

[33:20] You want something else than we can offer.

Stuart Wellington

[33:24] Head of the Family is a totally stupid movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:28] So you're saying it's not totally scarifying.

[33:31] Or snorifying.

Stuart Wellington

[33:32] Unless you're totally spookified by a giant, melon-headed, telepathic, I guess, enemy?

[33:43] Or like M.O.D.O.K.

[33:43] Yeah, like, he's basically a M.O.D.O.K.

[33:45] He's basically a cut-rate M.O.D.O.K.

Dan McCoy

[33:46] Head of the Family is for someone who enjoys the idea that there's a giant head...

[33:53] Of the Family.

[33:54] ...who is the head of the Family.

Stuart Wellington

[33:55] And if you mess with the head, you're dead.

[33:57] I mean, the fucking box tells us...

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] It's right on the poster.

[34:01] ...what it says on the poster.

[34:02] Yeah.

[34:03] Yeah, mess with the head and you're dead.

[34:04] And Jacqueline Lavelle takes her clothes off.

[34:06] Now...

[34:06] Come on, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] I know of you guys...

[34:08] This movie has it all.

[34:10] When you're visiting your parents, you sometimes want to be taken to a different world.

[34:15] In this case, you want to be taken to a world where there's a head...

Dan McCoy

[34:19] And did you mess with said head?

[34:21] What happens to you?

Stuart Wellington

[34:22] You'll end up being dead.

[34:23] I don't know what you're asking for.

[34:25] Yeah, he's a house cat.

[34:27] When our listeners are considering one of our recommendations to watch...

[34:32] Okay?

[34:33] If you want to feel smarter, more enriched by the experience, you go with maybe an Elliot recommendation.

[34:38] Yeah, come on.

[34:39] A life of a horror.

[34:39] Put on your fucking black and white movie watching glasses and watch one Elliot's.

[34:43] Just glasses if you need them.

[34:44] When you're on a plane, you watch one of fucking Dan's.

[34:48] And when you're probably pretty drunk and you're annoyed that you're staying with your parents and you're in the basement, you watch one of Stewart's.

[34:55] I think it's pretty fucking clear.

[34:57] I think that is clear.

[34:58] I think you made a great point.

[34:59] Fucking bake up some pizza rolls.

[35:00] 100% some break fast.

[35:02] Squirt some Go-Gurt on your pizza rolls.

[35:05] You just have your face.

[35:06] Yeah.

[35:07] Have a snack.

[35:08] Watch the way to the family.

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] It's like a one-man party.

[35:12] And you see an invisible head rip his ding time off.

[35:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] Fair enough.

[35:19] That leads us to movie recommendations.

[35:22] And tonight, I'm going to recommend Head of the Invisible Freak.

[35:29] Okay?

[35:30] Roll-roll!

Dan McCoy

[35:32] So, this evening, we watched a little movie called Stolen.

[35:37] Stolen.

[35:38] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[35:39] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[35:40] We haven't seen a Nicholas Cage movie.

[35:42] It's a movie in a while.

[35:43] So, I'm excited about this one.

[35:45] Like three months without a cage.

[35:48] So, should we explain why we're mispronouncing Nicholas Cage?

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Well, I think listeners to the past episode are familiar with this story.

[35:55] That was pre-EW.

[35:56] So, we should, yeah.

[35:57] Or Pew.

[35:58] P-EW.

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] Post-EW.

[36:01] And if somebody is picking this podcast up for the first time, we don't actually want them to get the joke, right?

[36:05] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] No, yeah, yeah.

[36:05] It's all about forcing people out and making them not enjoy it by feeling they're not cool enough to get these inside jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] So, buckle on your headphones, folks.

[36:15] We're going to talk about this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] It's going to be a bumpy here.

[36:20] So, we should explain that.

[36:21] This movie Stolen, we saw the trailer last year.

[36:23] Mm-hmm.

[36:24] And it looked fantastic.

[36:27] And it's a Nicholas Cage film that, for some reason, in the trailer, the voiceover guy, who has a perfectly normal voice, announces the name of the star as Nicholas Cage.

[36:39] He, like, throws an extra syllable in there.

[36:42] What about the segment where we create a resolution to become better people for the next episode, and then the next episode, we report on it?

[36:49] How we done?

[36:49] That's been cut.

[36:50] Oh, boy.

[36:51] So, we're just jerks again, huh?

[36:52] Woo!

Stuart Wellington

[36:54] You're off the chain.

[36:55] Elliot off the chain.

[36:57] Starfucker.

[36:58] Elliot Unchained.

[36:58] Coming this May.

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] Starfucker.

[37:00] Rated R.

[37:01] Rated NC-17.

[37:04] They brought back the X rating for it.

[37:06] Oh, wow.

[37:07] And it's on TV?

[37:09] It's on ABC Family, yeah.

[37:10] Oh, okay.

[37:11] It's very strange, but, you know, they put up the money.

[37:13] I think it's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[37:14] Did they say ABC Family because they want the whole family to be there, or?

Elliott Kalan

[37:18] Because it's actually the original name of the channel was ABC Head of the Family.

Dan McCoy

[37:21] Oh, whoa.

[37:23] I'm listening.

[37:24] Whoa!

[37:26] I was actually talking about this today, how I'm disturbed that, like, if you put any actress's name into Google,

[37:33] immediately feet will pop up behind it.

[37:35] Yeah.

[37:36] Which is apparently, like, foot fetishism is much larger than I expected because that is the number one result.

[37:42] You know what's even larger than foot fetishism?

[37:43] What?

[37:44] Big foot fetishism.

[37:45] What?

[37:45] Bigger feet, bigger fetish.

Elliott Kalan

[37:48] Look at the size of those footprints.

[37:50] For some guys, that's like an enormous boob print.

Dan McCoy

[37:56] Anyway.

[37:56] Is a guy somewhere masturbating with the idea of Bigfoot and some Manola Blahnik?

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] He's just masturbating to Harry and the Hendersons.

[38:03] Yeah.

[38:03] There's a guy who has cut out pictures of shoes from a magazine, and he watches Harry and the Hendersons and holds it up to the TV screen.

[38:10] Oh, yeah.

[38:11] That's the stuff.

[38:12] Oh, yeah.

[38:13] Old Man of the Forest.

[38:15] Those pumps look pretty good.

[38:17] You got the biggest feet.

Dan McCoy

[38:18] The biggest feet.

Stuart Wellington

[38:21] $35 million, Elliot.

[38:23] Most of that went to hats, fake gold, Nicholas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[38:28] I assume most of that money went straight to Nicholas Cage's castle broker.

[38:33] And the IRS.

[38:34] But anyway.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] Nicholas Cage, the original castle freak.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] Hey, guys.

[38:41] I'm going to be doing it.

Elliott Kalan

[38:44] I can't believe it.

[38:45] Yeah.

[38:46] We've been doing it.

[38:46] We've got a new way to talk about Nicholas Cage and a new way to talk about Castle Freak.

[38:50] We're episode, what, 708?

[38:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:53] We've been doing this for 100 years.

Dan McCoy

[38:56] We have giant Zardoz beards.

[38:59] There's never been a time we haven't been doing this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[39:02] Oh, it's like The Shining.

[39:04] There's a picture from the 20s of us doing this podcast.

Dan McCoy

[39:07] It was a radio show.

[39:09] We all had big mustaches.

Stuart Wellington

[39:10] Every time we walk out, we see another version of us walking in.

[39:13] Oh, yeah.

[39:14] It's like Looper.

Elliott Kalan

[39:16] You've got a whole primary situation going on here.

[39:19] Whoa!

[39:21] This is a TV movie CBS would make so they could try to spin it off into a show if it got a

[39:26] big, like the way they did with Kojak.

[39:28] I don't know if that was CBS, but the way Kojak was done.

[39:30] So like, and Columbo was the same way, I think.

[39:33] So like-

[39:33] Battlestar Galactica.

[39:35] Mystery show.

[39:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:37] The classic mystery show, Battlestar Galactica.

[39:39] Turns out the Cylons did it.

Elliott Kalan

[39:42] There's a bunch of regular people, like high society types, and a Cylon in the room, and

[39:48] Detective Galactica.

[39:50] Detective B Galactica.

[39:52] I think I know who did it.

[39:54] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[39:55] One more question.

[39:56] One thing I just couldn't understand.

[39:57] One more question, Mr. Cylon.

[39:59] So you're a killing machine robot.

[40:01] Oh, yes I am.

[40:03] Case closed.

Dan McCoy

[40:05] You say you're a human being.

[40:07] Now, why are your eyes one red light that goes back and forth?

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] I have a condition.

[40:13] That makes sense.

[40:14] That makes a lot of sense.

[40:15] Just one more question.

[40:16] If you're a regular poison, why do you have big metal claws for hands?

[40:21] And why-

[40:22] I enjoy more than that, so.

[40:24] I think we should go on to final judgments.

[40:25] Jump out the window, but a cop leaps out of an ambush and tackles him.

[40:31] How did you know that Cylon was the one who did it?

[40:33] Let's just say I had a hunch.

[40:36] Oh, he's also a hunchback.

[40:37] So that pun-

[40:38] So it's always a pun at the end of the episode.

[40:40] Let's say I had a hunch.

[40:41] He looks at the camera and says,

[40:43] Case closed.

[40:46] It's called Battlestar Galactica Hunchback Detective.

[40:49] Stars the late Peter Falk.

[40:52] And a Cylon.

[40:53] And it's always a Cylon who did it.

[40:57] And he talks like the guy from the Stolen trailer.

[41:03] Maximumfun.org

Dan McCoy

[41:09] Comedy and culture.

[41:10] Artist owned.

[41:11] Listener supported.

Best of the Flop House 2: Ep. 76-125

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