Best of the Flop House 2: Ep. 76-125

[0:00] But my brother brought up how much he had always liked the score to Inspector Gadget,

[0:10] and that, you know, I had waves of nostalgia come over me. I go to YouTube, I look at some

[0:15] Inspector Gadget related videos on YouTube, and I scroll down to the comments section,

[0:22] and one comment on one of the Inspector Gadget related videos catches my eye, and it simply

[0:27] says, what if Penny met a dinosaur? And in all, like, small letters, there was something

[0:36] sort of plaintive about it that caught my eye. Like, I found this particularly beguiling.

[0:41] Is there anybody listening to me here? What if Penny met a dinosaur? My message in a bottle.

[0:51] A question that will never be answered by Canonical Inspector Gadget. Certainly not

[0:56] by Deke, the animation studio that did Inspector Gadget. So I post about this actually on Facebook.

[1:04] I post about the what if Penny met a dinosaur comment on Facebook, and this, a firestorm

[1:11] of Inspector Gadget commentary erupts, but my friend Kelly says, you know, that she thinks

[1:16] that if you plugged the phrase what if Penny met a dinosaur into the internet, then you

[1:21] would reach the end of the internet. And so I actually Google this. You know, I Google

[1:25] what if Penny met a dinosaur. Your job really absorbs you. You get full satisfaction from

[1:31] it. And I find, I find. There's a point when a job becomes a career, Elliot. It's called

[1:37] the terminus S, if you will. So following this, this train, you know, it's like all

[1:44] the president's men. I'm following the money, but I'm following. You're following the penny.

[1:47] Yeah, I'm following the penny. Yeah, the money train. So I click on another link that Google

[1:52] coughs up for me. And it is, it appears to be some sort of bondage inflected illustration

[2:00] of an older Penny. You know, I, what's the, what's the rule? If it exists, there's pornography

[2:08] related to it. It's like a rule 34. Yeah, I think Socrates came up with that. No, this

[2:13] is like, this is like an internet meme. Like, if it exists, there's pornography. Like, so,

[2:17] there's a bondage themed photo. And I scroll down wondering why photo or not photo. Sorry.

[2:24] It's an illustration. It's a, it's a cartoon. So what's drawing style like Ashcan school

[2:28] or what? You know, sure. I don't know. It's an older Penny tied up. Great. But I scroll

[2:33] down to the comment section of this because of course this has comments in the comments.

[2:39] Someone says, what if Penny met a dinosaur? So what you thought was a kind of adorable

[2:46] plaintive cry turns out was a request for bondage themed. Possibly. So I go, I go back

[2:53] to the Google search. I click on the next one down. Same site. A less disturbing picture

[2:59] illustration of Penny. I scroll down. She's doing better. I scroll down. And again, what

[3:05] if Penny met a dinosaur? So now I'm intrigued by this guy. I click on this guy's. You are

[3:10] bordering dangerously close to an obsession that will lead you into a web of deceit and

[3:16] seduction. It's going to lead me to fear.com. No, I like the seduction angle. So I click

[3:24] on this guy's username and I find like this love games starring Dan. I click on this guy's

[3:32] username and I get this message that says this user has been permanently banned from

[3:36] this site. Wow. For I assume asking too much about Penny and this fucking dinosaur. Yeah.

[3:42] You asked the wrong questions. You made some powerful enemies on the Penny bondage site.

[3:47] He followed the money trail. Yeah. So guys, I, I, to me, what you're saying is don't go

[3:53] chasing waterfalls. What I loved about this whole experience though, was like peeling

[3:59] back the layers of the onion. There was always something, there's always something new to

[4:03] discover. So, so are you plugging being a fucking kid detective? Like what?

[4:08] And let's look at what you discovered. You discovered that there's inspector gadget

[4:12] themed bondage foreign site and that someone has irritated the moderator of this site.

[4:19] Congratulations, dude. You cracked it. Yeah. Super salute McCoy over here. Regular encyclopedia

[4:25] Brown. You get the fucking key to the city. Key to the internet. Oh, it's too bad your dad,

[4:32] the police chief can't tell anyone about his genius detective son.

[4:39] Oh man. You guys just don't understand the beauty of what I've discovered. Cause you

[4:43] know, when you start turning over rocks, you're going to find some, uh, find some snails.

[4:48] That's for sure. It was a fitting story for this bad movie podcast.

[4:54] But guys, seriously, I guess what I'm asking is, I guess ultimately though, what I'm asking is

[4:58] what if Penny by the dinosaur? Because that commenter was me.

[5:06] Uh, yeah, I don't know what happened. What if Penny, I don't know. She'd probably get

[5:10] eaten by the dinosaur. Depends on the kind of dinosaur. Yeah. Well, brontosaurus probably

[5:14] wouldn't eat her. Yeah. Yeah. It would eat vegetables. Yeah. Unless like, unless she and

[5:20] fucking brain were dressed up as like a tree or something, which who knows one of inspector

[5:24] gadget's employees might've gotten, made that happen. Brain always had to hide in costumes.

[5:30] Sight of a dog would destroy him. And then inspector gadget would say,

[5:35] it's a mad agent. And then, then, then wacky hijinks would ensue guys. And Don Adams would

[5:40] deposit the check and his bank account and then go on to do some Wendy's commercials.

[5:48] Anyway, so that's my story. Oh, that's not really your story.

[5:53] That was like, it's part of like humanity.

[5:57] When I write a screenplay about it, there's like an HP Lovecraft story where someone's reading

[6:01] through like journal entries left behind, except instead of a monster, it was the dumbest question

[6:06] ever asked guys. Uh, what, what a penny meta dinosaur has been sweeping the nation.

[6:13] Yeah. Rebecca black has nothing on what a penny meta dinosaur. So, uh, these last two, uh,

[6:19] are about messages. Yeah. The first one says written by Dan to Dan.

[6:26] First one is from Brendan last name withheld. And he says, so I Googled, what if Penny met a

[6:30] dinosaur? And the guy who made the comment on YouTube had just made the comment, would you

[6:35] touch April's boobs? You, you, the letter you on a video of April O'Neill from teenage mutant ninja

[6:42] turtles. I felt you should be updated. So they're carrying on the tradition, the investigative

[6:48] tradition that I want to point out that the person who wrote the letters name was Brendan

[6:53] or Bren Dan. Oh, you gotta, you gotta find the clues, put the pieces of the puzzle together.

[7:00] So intricate worlds and worlds. It's like the Westing game.

[7:05] Okay. Well this, this, this is a similar touch April's boobs, which you ridiculous comment.

[7:13] Well, that's why he put it on the internet for the entire world.

[7:16] He was saying, he was watching this clip from Ninja Turtles and he's going,

[7:19] would you just touch April's boobs already? Come on, Raphael. I don't even know.

[7:24] Come on. Other reporter that works at the station, obviously April as an animated character,

[7:32] leaving money on the table here. You can see she wants it.

[7:40] Continue as an animated character, you know, like obviously you can't. So like in that context,

[7:44] it doesn't work, but he's saying is if, if, if she was real cool world or something,

[7:50] if, if you were in cool world, then why wouldn't you? Yeah. No, that's you would.

[7:56] So he's not wondering why Baxter Stockman is not groping April.

[8:00] I don't know. Maybe that was directed at us through the medium of YouTube comments. Maybe

[8:04] he knew that we would, that we brought to our attention by Brendan last name with help.

[8:09] Oh, that's good. So, so this, this last night came in, I want to know, I want to meet that

[8:13] guy or not meet him, but I want to know who he is. Well, this is another piece of the puzzle.

[8:17] This last thing comes in from at unsupervised on Twitter. He sent a direct message to us,

[8:25] or he sent an ad message at the flop house pod. Is that our Twitter presence? Yeah,

[8:31] that's our Twitter presence. And unsupervised says this goes even deeper than just penny.

[8:37] And he sent a Google search. He had done with the words meta dinosaur and this gentleman's

[8:44] username. And so this gentleman also wants to know what would happen if these various

[8:49] characters met a dinosaur Kermit Bob from Sesame Street, Zach Wheezy from Dragon Tales.

[8:57] I don't know what that is. Ernie and Bert, Arthur, the aardvark Grover, super Grover.

[9:04] It's Grover. And so I hate to bring it. The news to everybody.

[9:07] Grover and super Grover, the same Grover. It's just a monster. Big Bird, Telly, Abby Cadabby,

[9:14] buddy, the dinosaur. That's sort of already a dinosaur. I don't know.

[9:19] I assume he met a dinosaur when he was born. Or he met himself.

[9:22] Elmo. And then lastly, Roy G. Bibb, the mnemonic to remember the hues of the visible spectrum.

[9:29] So. So every I guess the Internet is a buzz over what would happen if these characters met

[9:35] dinosaurs. A little weird thing for this to become the secondary reason for this podcast to exist.

[9:42] Bad movies and investigating this guy. Yeah.

[9:45] Loves to find out. So also, if you're if you're confused by this whole conversation,

[9:51] go back and listen to the Oscar episode, the flop. You probably skipped because we

[9:55] weren't talking about a movie. Yeah. But Dan told a riveting tale.

[10:00] So we're now going to be referring back to it.

[10:02] Oh yeah.

[10:03] It'll be in the Flophouse Essentials album.

[10:05] Yeah.

[10:06] Dan, I think your story will be anthologized probably at some point.

[10:09] Yeah.

[10:10] It's probably good.

[10:11] StoryCorps is going to put that.

[10:14] We've got to record this for future generations.

[10:16] Yeah.

[10:17] He's a house cat.

[10:18] You ruin every contest.

[10:20] I'm the contest ruiner.

[10:22] Yeah.

[10:23] That's my Batman villain character.

[10:26] Really?

[10:27] Yeah.

[10:28] He just keeps like...

[10:29] He just ruined contests, which is not technically a crime.

[10:33] Just Bruce Wayne is like a real contest aficionado.

[10:36] He just loves them.

[10:37] He loves contests.

[10:38] Well, Batman, it looks like you've won this scratcher.

[10:41] But I'm going to scratch everything off.

[10:43] Oh, contest ruiner.

[10:45] Like Bruce Wayne sitting in the movies and the screen scramble is up,

[10:49] and the contest ruiner just yells out the answer.

[10:52] It's Indiana Jones.

[10:54] I didn't even get a chance to read it yet.

[10:57] Oops, guess I ruined your contest.

[11:00] Oh, and I'm going to ruin the movie too.

[11:04] The bureau gets adjusted.

[11:07] Spoiler alert.

[11:09] That's my sidekick.

[11:13] Who's just me because I can't afford a real sidekick?

[11:16] You're so lucky that you have your own ward.

[11:19] Man, I wish.

[11:21] I wish I could feed myself.

[11:23] The movie's been going for ten minutes,

[11:25] and I don't know what's happening because he keeps talking.

[11:27] I told you, the bureau gets adjusted.

[11:34] That's me ruining it.

[11:37] Yeah, the contest ruiner is branching out into just ruining movies.

[11:41] I hope he doesn't team up with Seven Pounds.

[11:44] New contest.

[11:46] Those of you who are artists,

[11:48] why don't you draw us a few panels of Batman versus the contest ruiner?

[11:52] See, now that's a good contest.

[11:54] Considering unsolicited, we have people sending in pictures of Penny from Inspector Gadget fighting a dinosaur.

[11:59] Yeah, well, now you've got something else to kill your day with.

[12:03] As you're listening to this podcast, hating the job you're in,

[12:06] doodling on some graph paper,

[12:08] why don't you doodle something with purpose?

[12:11] I'm speaking specifically about one of you who works with graph paper.

[12:16] And the prize is the feeling of accomplishment you get

[12:20] after having drawn the contest ruiner.

[12:25] The first 25 minutes of this movie were pretty fun.

[12:28] It moves really fast, and there's a lot of battling.

[12:31] But it gets very slow and very boring and kind of generic.

[12:35] But the thing that bugs me about this movie is it's a movie that's saying,

[12:38] you know how in the Middle Ages they accused a lot of women of being witches and then burned them?

[12:42] They were right.

[12:44] They were a shitload of witches.

[12:46] They caused the plague, and if we didn't have the witches,

[12:49] the plague wouldn't have happened.

[12:51] Everything's demons and witches.

[12:53] I can't buy into that. I'm sorry.

[12:55] Justifying genocide through a sci-fi movie, I think, is probably the best way.

[12:59] Yeah, it just seems very strange for them to take the side of the witch killers.

[13:04] Well, I guess some of us don't love witches like you do, Elliot.

[13:08] Wait, what?

[13:10] Wait, are you casting me as the bad guy?

[13:12] You're the husband of the devil, and you...

[13:15] That's my wife you're talking about.

[13:17] Devilina.

[13:19] I thought Elvira was the female version of the devil.

[13:22] Well, she's the mistress of the dark, but she's kind of goofy to be the female version of the devil.

[13:27] Oh, okay. She's more interested in, you know, cleavage-related pursuits.

[13:32] Yes. What do you think?

[13:34] Interest. Cleavage.

[13:36] Yes, the new issue of Cleavage Aficionado is in.

[13:39] It's Elvira again. That's weird. Okay.

[13:42] She's on the cover of every issue, either her or McGann of the Kissing Bandit.

[13:48] And once Miss Piggy.

[13:50] He's an Oscar.

[13:52] It feels like when Paltrow, the actress, being like, this is the scene.

[13:56] Yeah, this is what's going to win me that Oscar.

[13:59] Either that or one of the scenes where I yell.

[14:01] Me and the sick child. That's what's going to put me over the edge.

[14:04] The one where she yells about her dead baby bird or whatever.

[14:07] Yeah, okay.

[14:08] Or wait, did that not happen?

[14:09] I don't – they kind of gloss over what happens to the bird.

[14:11] They probably cut that out.

[14:12] That was in the alternate ending that we didn't get to see.

[14:15] The original ending, they walk in on her.

[14:18] This is my assumption.

[14:19] Okay, paint us a picture.

[14:21] I read that the DVD has the original ending.

[14:23] We don't know what it is. We didn't watch the DVD.

[14:25] We watched it off of TiVo.

[14:27] So here's what I imagine.

[14:29] They walk into her room. There's pills on the table.

[14:31] They can't wake her up.

[14:32] Uh-oh, they're going, Kelly, Kelly, wake up.

[14:35] Oh, what did you do? Kelly, Kelly.

[14:37] And they're, oh, God, she's dead.

[14:39] She pops up. Gotcha.

[14:41] I'm okay, but my bird is dead.

[14:43] Cut to the funeral, tiny casket.

[14:45] The pallbearers are all other birds.

[14:48] Pallbearer, the sidekick of the Undertaker?

[14:50] Yes.

[14:51] Okay.

[14:52] That's weird.

[14:53] He's performing the service.

[14:55] WWE, country music, I get it.

[14:57] Yeah, they put a tiny shoebox into the dirt.

[15:00] They put – but there's a huge monument above it.

[15:02] Oh, of course.

[15:03] Like many, many times life-size.

[15:05] And for some reason, the bird has a book tucked under its wing.

[15:08] And in the other wing, it holds a star.

[15:10] Okay.

[15:11] So it's like a songbird.

[15:12] And she says, for you, birdie bird,

[15:15] because she's already forgotten Loretta Lynn is the name of the bird.

[15:18] For you, birdie bird, I will continue to be.

[15:20] And she turns to the camera, close-up, looking at the camera.

[15:22] Country strong.

[15:23] Title comes up.

[15:24] You hear a gunshot for some reason, but no one's hurt.

[15:27] Just like an exciting, like, pew, pew.

[15:29] Fireworks go off.

[15:30] You see what I'm saying, sure.

[15:31] Then we cut to obligatory rap scene.

[15:34] Okay.

[15:35] She tells the story of the movie in rap form.

[15:38] With, like, a fish eye lens.

[15:40] Exactly.

[15:41] While the animated ghost of the dead bird flips around her shoulder.

[15:45] Well, the ghost of the dead bird is like her hype man.

[15:47] It's like, uh-huh, yeah.

[15:48] Nodding his head.

[15:49] Like Muggs from Cybersilge.

[15:51] Sure.

[15:54] Okay.

[15:55] Yeah, and that's the end of the movie.

[15:56] Okay, and then as the credits roll, it cuts to Gwyneth Paltrow,

[15:59] and it says, two years later,

[16:02] and she's finally finishing the screenplay for Country Strong,

[16:05] fingers covered in ink or whatever.

[16:07] Yeah.

[16:08] And she goes, perfect.

[16:09] From her computer, yeah.

[16:10] She goes, perfect, and then says,

[16:11] Country Strong will return in Country Strong 2, Country Stronger.

[16:15] Oh, perfect.

[16:16] The original ending.

[16:17] I don't know why they changed it.

[16:18] I don't know why they changed it.

[16:19] For this downer.

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:21] Whoa!

[16:22] Oh, Sean Connery.

[16:24] Highlander 2, The Quickening.

[16:28] He gets advertised in other movies in the middle of the movie.

[16:30] He was in that.

[16:31] Yeah.

[16:33] Welcome to Entrapment.

[16:35] If you want to see another movie with me,

[16:37] why not go watch League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?

[16:41] If you want to see me in a flop, see me in a real flop.

[16:46] Zardoz.

[16:50] Just going to run around in a diaper for the whole movie.

[16:52] I got a mustache and a red diaper and a gun.

[16:55] What more do you need?

[16:56] And boots that go up to my knees.

[16:58] There's a floating stone head in that film, for God's sake.

[17:00] For God's sakes, what more do you need to see it?

[17:03] There's a whole sequence where I just sit there in a cave with my wife,

[17:06] and we turn into skeletons.

[17:09] What do I have to tell you to get you to see this movie?

[17:14] I would love it if that was the trailer for Zardoz.

[17:16] Just him describing it.

[17:18] There's some crazy shit in this film.

[17:21] We wear masks and rape people.

[17:23] It turns out it's the Wizard of Oz in the end.

[17:26] He described it.

[17:27] You can't even believe it.

[17:29] You have to see it.

[17:30] There's all sorts of psychic shit with these women.

[17:32] I don't even know what was going on,

[17:34] but I'm in like a cocoon or something.

[17:37] You've got to see this.

[17:38] It's amazing.

[17:40] When does it come out?

[17:41] Look it up.

[17:43] This will blow your mind.

[17:46] Who's the Zardoz now, dog?

[17:50] He's doing a trailer for a movie he made a long time ago.

[17:53] Oh no, this is for the re-release of Zardoz.

[17:57] If you haven't seen it, you owe it to yourself.

[18:00] Yeah, for Zardoz 3D.

[18:03] You'll think that the giant stone head is just flying out of the screen at you.

[18:07] It's amazing.

[18:11] This would be a good story if it was like a five or six-page Easy Comics-like story

[18:16] hosted by the Cryptkeeper or the Old Witch or someone like that.

[18:20] He's just trying to set up a Cryptkeeper impression.

[18:23] You got me, oh boy.

[18:25] The scream house.

[18:31] There's nothing there, and it's a waste of talent.

[18:33] I was just thinking about it.

[18:35] If the Cryptkeeper missed the obvious pun.

[18:40] He looks like it's a real dream horse.

[18:45] There's no horse in that.

[18:46] Hold on, what are you saying?

[18:48] There's no horse in there.

[18:49] That's not scary at all.

[18:53] I'm sorry.

[18:54] I've been very tired.

[18:56] There's been problems at home.

[18:58] Really giving us a real look into the Cryptkeeper's private life.

[19:03] A real look at the Cryptkeeper's privates.

[19:06] Dan, how old are you?

[19:09] I'm sorry, Dan just suddenly turned into a seven-year-old.

[19:12] I said privates.

[19:14] I said private life, and Dan in his mind just went to privates.

[19:20] I am appalled.

[19:22] No, but think about it, Elliot.

[19:23] What would the Cryptkeeper's privates look like?

[19:25] They've rotted away.

[19:26] There's nothing there.

[19:27] It's just a pelvic bone.

[19:28] Yeah, there's not even a bone there.

[19:31] I mean, that's the kind of soft tissue that really goes away almost instantly.

[19:34] What if it was perfectly preserved?

[19:36] Like one of those bully sticks you feed your dog.

[19:40] Like a mummy stick.

[19:43] But what if it was perfectly preserved?

[19:46] What situation are you hoping comes out of that?

[19:50] It's like this is sort of speculative fiction.

[19:54] Well, we dealt with what if Petty bit a dinosaur.

[19:57] You need to take that idea down.

[20:00] Run with it. That's what you guys do as writers.

[20:02] Yeah, I'm still dealing with what happens if Penny or Tom Petty meets a dinosaur.

[20:08] Don't just name it Cowboys and don't just name two things that are in the movie.

[20:12] Yeah, it seems very.

[20:14] No, that's the way most serious movies are named.

[20:16] Schindler's List. Two things.

[20:18] There's a guy he's got a list.

[20:19] Saving Private Ryan.

[20:21] Private Ryan, that's what they're great and great savings.

[20:25] Name it. Lots of great.

[20:27] There's a great value in that movie.

[20:30] Tons of berry peppers.

[20:31] It's a Memorial Day sweater.

[20:32] You're getting savings on Private Ryan?

[20:34] Yes. And in addition, savings on other merchandise in the department.

[20:38] So Private Ryan is sort of like a loss leader.

[20:41] It gets you in the door.

[20:42] Well, you're saving and on products that are equal or lesser value than Private Ryan.

[20:46] Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

[20:47] Mm hmm.

[20:48] Mm hmm.

[20:50] So you worked in a retail.

[20:51] You couldn't get anything about this.

[20:53] Well, so wait, could I get a Colonel Ryan or would Colonel Ryan be Colonel Ryan?

[20:57] I mean, he'd be greater value.

[20:58] So, no, for this for this sales offer, it would not work for this event.

[21:03] But the Private Ryan a thon is going on throughout the month of June.

[21:06] Holy anything you like on the say on the show.

[21:10] Feel free to come in.

[21:11] Here's my card. Come in any time.

[21:14] We've got a lot of great privates on here, Ryan.

[21:17] And otherwise, or technically, yes, I do work on commission.

[21:21] So I'd appreciate if you I would love to make a sale.

[21:23] But again, this is about getting you and the right Private Ryan in the room.

[21:27] That's fine.

[21:27] I'm just not buying the extended warranty on one of these private Ryan's.

[21:30] Are you because it is a great machine?

[21:32] Yes. You won't experience a lot of problems, but safety is never.

[21:36] This is a manager.

[21:37] Makes him ask that, you know, the upsell.

[21:40] The upsell bothers.

[21:41] Oh, I'm the computer showing me that that's already been included.

[21:43] I'm so sorry.

[21:45] I can talk to my manager, but usually he's not so crazy about special offers.

[21:49] This is my ass on the line.

[21:50] I know, but I'm willing to do it for you.

[21:53] So saving Private Ryan was it?

[21:56] Dan, the manager's looking at you now.

[21:58] I don't know. Oh, yeah, I think he's coming over.

[22:02] So I heard you.

[22:04] The man of two voices.

[22:06] Can you don't want you don't want this warranties?

[22:10] It's called a Wellington setup.

[22:14] I'd like to think of Christian Slater now, like hunched over the computer, like,

[22:17] all right, what do we do with this?

[22:19] OK, act three problems.

[22:21] He I guarantee you that he did not look at

[22:25] the script until day of.

[22:28] Do you think he knew he was in a movie or was it like bow finger?

[22:30] Yeah, he he knew very well what he was doing because he put me aside and said,

[22:35] Al, this is it. Let me tell you what we're doing here.

[22:37] This is a cash grab.

[22:40] Old CG. All right.

[22:42] We're going to do this and pretend it never happened.

[22:46] Rizzles better in Christian Slater.

[22:48] As if this was a crime you were committing somewhere.

[22:51] Sure. No. And really did.

[22:52] I saw him look at his sides at some point

[22:54] and go, all right, let's do it.

[23:00] I love that attitude.

[23:02] All right. This is what you guys want to do.

[23:04] Let's go for it.

[23:05] I am 100 percent more forgiving of like the last 10 years

[23:09] in Christian Slater's career now that I've heard this at some point.

[23:12] I think I was also looking at my sides and like

[23:15] to get is going to make my line splitting the hilarity

[23:19] to do my lines.

[23:22] And he looked at me like, what?

[23:25] Don't worry about that.

[23:28] And we were really, really one of those knowing your lines kind of.

[23:31] No, I really it is an improvised movie.

[23:36] Hey, it's Dan here.

[23:37] I'm bringing you this best of compilation

[23:41] of the last one went up to episode 75.

[23:44] This covers 76 through 125.

[23:49] I'm bringing it to you now because it's Max Fun Drive.

[23:52] We are in full donation drive swing at Maximum Fun dot org.

[23:58] And the flop house comes out, as you know, just twice a month,

[24:03] which means that if we had left it to our normal devices,

[24:07] there would have been only one Max Fun episode.

[24:10] And we wanted to give you more than that, not just

[24:13] out of the kindness of our heart, because it would give us

[24:17] one more chance to ask you for donations.

[24:21] Please don't skip ahead on your machines.

[24:25] We will do a much longer and more thorough and more informative

[24:29] donation pitch to you with our regular episode,

[24:34] which also happens to be our 200th episode.

[24:38] And we have some very special stuff planned for that.

[24:42] But I just wanted to give a short pitch to you now.

[24:46] It's something that we do with our time.

[24:49] It's something that you find worthwhile.

[24:52] It's something that as we grow older,

[24:55] maybe it's harder to find the time to do.

[24:57] And I'm not saying that in a threatening way.

[24:59] It sounds like I'm extorting you.

[25:01] But if it's an endeavor that you've enjoyed and has brought you

[25:04] entertainment over the years,

[25:06] maybe you want to think of supporting it financially.

[25:10] I know that there are reasons that I won't go into personal reasons

[25:14] that all three of us could use a little extra money this year.

[25:18] And certainly getting money from the Flophouse, as much as we love to do it,

[25:23] makes it easier for us to find the time

[25:27] month in, month out to put this show out there for you.

[25:31] Think to yourself, hey, what place do podcasts have in my life?

[25:36] What value do I give them?

[25:38] Because I know that for me, I listen to podcasts

[25:41] on my way to work, on my way back from work, more often than not,

[25:45] when I'm walking around, when I'm doing my chores, when I'm doing errands.

[25:50] I find that these days, podcasts are not supplementary entertainment for me.

[25:55] They are one of the first lines of entertainment.

[25:58] I get as much entertainment on podcasts as I do having television.

[26:04] And I pay for television.

[26:05] I pay for cable.

[26:07] I pay for Netflix. I pay for Hulu.

[26:09] Maybe I should pay for fewer of those things.

[26:12] But if you're the sort of person who values entertainment

[26:16] by paying for a streaming service, consider this.

[26:20] Consider that Maximum Fund is a streaming service

[26:23] that has brought you hours and hours of entertainment.

[26:27] And if you donate, there are all kinds of great gifts

[26:31] that are available for you.

[26:33] I will go over the gifts in detail again

[26:37] on our longer pitch on our regular show.

[26:40] But among those gifts, foremost among them is access

[26:44] to hundreds of hours of Maximum Fund bonus material.

[26:49] And if you want to hear the Flophouse's take on Entourage, the movie,

[26:56] that will only be available.

[26:58] That live show recording will only be available to listeners

[27:01] as a bonus episode if you are a donor.

[27:05] And there are a lot of other great gifts that come at all levels of donations.

[27:09] So I'm going to sign off for now because no one likes hearing too much for me

[27:12] when those other two jokers aren't around to interrupt me.

[27:15] But go to Maximum Fund forward slash donate

[27:20] and put your money where your ears are

[27:24] when it comes to the podcast that you love.

[27:26] And thank you for listening.

[27:30] Actually, you know what?

[27:30] I'd rather be in a in a arts Cinemax series where it's one of those ones

[27:36] where it's a repackaged movie with scenes from 90s Cinemax shows.

[27:40] So it's a lot of people just sitting around going, I knew this couple once

[27:44] and they told me the craziest story and then it just cuts to a sex scene.

[27:49] I mean, it cuts back.

[27:50] The other people go, wow, that story was hot.

[27:53] But like you say that I wanted I for a long time

[27:57] wanted to do a stand up bit about that very same thing.

[27:59] Like what is going on there?

[28:00] What story are they telling?

[28:02] Were they were they there watching?

[28:05] No, they always say they told me about it or they usually say

[28:10] what are they describing?

[28:12] What is it? Yeah, that's what I want to have them had sex.

[28:14] OK, first he was on.

[28:16] He was on top.

[28:17] But then she was he was behind her.

[28:20] And then she was on top.

[28:22] And then time they were doing reverse cowgirl.

[28:24] But all throughout it, one of them had their hands in front of their genitals.

[28:28] So you couldn't actually see.

[28:29] And it feels like it was curiously edited down for some reason.

[28:33] And where the penis seems like it should be going into the vagina.

[28:36] It seemed like it was actually going into more of like, I don't know,

[28:38] the belly button region.

[28:39] And there was an irritating rock and roll song that I've never heard

[28:41] anywhere else and never will hear anywhere again.

[28:45] That is a hot story.

[28:48] Why are we talking about sex stories?

[28:50] I don't remember.

[28:51] Well, time to have sex, I guess. Credits.

[28:54] Well, right now, there are listeners across America saying the Flophouse

[28:59] has descended into madness.

[29:01] They are right.

[29:02] They're talking about the mirror.

[29:03] Sure.

[29:03] Rich, this surely does not make any sense.

[29:07] But I think we need to talk about the plot.

[29:09] Well, first, the first thing to know is your assumption

[29:11] that the loves were a thing that existed and they made a movie out of it was wrong.

[29:15] This is a movie made by some of the people involved with the American

[29:19] Americanized version of the Teletubbies.

[29:21] And I assume from putting that show out, they did.

[29:23] They realized the lesson that kids will watch any shit as long as it's

[29:26] brightly colored and has made up words in it.

[29:28] So let's hey, let's go through the movie and introduce everybody

[29:31] to the Oogie Loves, because nobody saw this film.

[29:35] So I'm watching this movie concise

[29:39] description of this plot that exists.

[29:41] Well, I'll see if I can stretch it out.

[29:42] OK, so the Oogie Loves, they introduce us by the beginning

[29:45] by just talking to the audience.

[29:46] They are three horrific costumed characters named Gooby, Zoozy and Toofie.

[29:51] Imagine the Garbage Pail Kids cross with Barney.

[29:53] Yeah, I think that's a good way to think about it.

[29:55] Now, they each have their particular

[29:58] personality. Mm hmm.

[30:00] Gooby is into science. He has glasses. He keeps talking about how things are science-tastic.

[30:04] Science-tastic. Zoozy can speak any language, but her catchphrase is sparkalicious, I think.

[30:11] Yeah. And she's feminine, right? And she's a girl.

[30:13] Yeah, that's what young girls like. Sparkalicious.

[30:18] And then there's Toofy, the awesome party guy.

[30:22] The steward of the group. Very much the steward of the group.

[30:25] And his thing is that his pants fall down all the time.

[30:28] So also the steward of the group. And he likes to have fun all the time.

[30:32] He comes up and says, I'm Toofy, and I like to have fun any way I can.

[30:36] Or something like that, which is creepy. No holds barred.

[30:40] You're in Toofy's world now. There's no safe word here.

[30:44] Are they in a band? Yes.

[30:46] They are in a band. And they're the Oogie Loves.

[30:47] They never quite explain what an Oogie Love is, but they are them.

[30:51] At the beginning of the movie, they explain so much about the Oogie Loves,

[30:55] except for what Oogie Loves is and why.

[31:00] All right, well, let's close out the mailbag with this last email.

[31:03] Closing up the mailbag.

[31:05] Zip it tight. Let those letters out.

[31:08] Letters want to jump and scream and shout. But zip up the mailbag.

[31:12] Keep them in. Suffocate them.

[31:15] Makes it easier to bury them. Mailbag murder.

[31:20] Murder those letters in the mailbag.

[31:22] The mailbag murders starring Carrie Elwes.

[31:25] Sounds like a case for jazz.

[31:28] So this.

[31:29] Sorry, Carrie Elwes as the mail.

[31:32] As the mail. Jazz is on the case.

[31:35] After he bought that magical saxophone off that gypsy.

[31:41] Has final email that we may not have time for anymore is titled,

[31:45] Why I'm Never Listening to Stuart Again.

[31:46] Yeah, we probably don't have time for this.

[31:48] I think we need to find out this is a ding dong related.

[31:51] It's it's from Ryan. Last name withheld.

[31:53] He writes, I was recently visiting my parents and decided to peruse through

[31:57] the on demand section of their cable provider.

[32:00] I stumbled upon one section with a completely nondescript title.

[32:04] I've already forgotten.

[32:05] It contained a possibly endless list of films.

[32:08] I was in the low 1000s by the time I hit movies beginning with the letter H.

[32:15] And as far as I could tell, it was a compendium of seen by nobody

[32:21] be movies from the 80s and 90s with an odd sprinkling of significantly more well received

[32:25] films such as Capote and Field of Dreams.

[32:28] What caught my eye, though, was a certain film called Head of the Family Unrated Vision.

[32:34] I don't think I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through such a horrendous

[32:39] plotting disaster that left me more confused than terrified.

[32:45] I don't know what is different in the unrated version,

[32:50] but I suspect that's something to do with the endless deluge of Jacqueline Lavelle nude scenes.

[32:55] I dread the day when I am startled by the sudden appearance

[32:59] of Invisible Maniac or Castle Freak in my life.

[33:01] Regards, Ryan.

[33:04] This is, I think, the first complaint we've had off of a recommendation.

[33:07] Well, Stuart, your rebuttal.

[33:10] Well, I guess I've earned that.

[33:13] I have to say, if someone's complaining about endless Jacqueline Lavelle nude scenes,

[33:17] I don't know what's wrong.

[33:18] There's nothing we can do to help you.

[33:20] You want something else that we can offer.

[33:24] Head of the Family is a totally stupid movie.

[33:28] So you're saying it's not totally scarifying?

[33:31] Or snorifying.

[33:34] Unless you're totally spookified by a giant melon-headed telepathic, I guess, enemy.

[33:44] He's basically a M.O.D.O.K.

[33:45] He's basically a cut rate M.O.D.O.K.

[33:46] Head of the Family is for someone who enjoys the idea that there's a giant head of the family.

[33:55] And if you mess with the head, you're dead.

[33:57] I mean, it's a freaking box that says that on the poster.

[34:02] Yeah, yeah, mess with the head and you're dead.

[34:04] And Jacqueline Lavelle takes her clothes off.

[34:06] Now, come on, guys.

[34:07] I know of you guys.

[34:08] This movie has it all.

[34:10] When you're visiting your parents, you sometimes want to be taken to a different world.

[34:15] In this case, you want to be taken to a world where there's a head.

[34:19] And if you mess with said head, what happens to you?

[34:22] You end up being dead.

[34:24] I don't know what you're asking for.

[34:27] When our listeners are considering one of our recommendations to watch.

[34:34] If you want to feel smarter, more enriched by the experience,

[34:37] you go with maybe an Elliot recommendation.

[34:39] Yeah, come on, a life for tomorrow.

[34:40] Put on your fucking black and white movie watching glasses and watch one Elliot.

[34:43] He's just glasses.

[34:44] If you need when you're on a plane, you want to fucking dance.

[34:48] And when you're probably pretty drunk

[34:50] and you're annoyed that you're staying with your parents and you're in the basement,

[34:54] you watch one of Stewart's.

[34:55] I think it's pretty fucking clear.

[34:57] I think that is clear.

[34:58] I think you made a great point.

[34:59] Bake up some pizza rolls, squirt some go-gurt on your pizza rolls.

[35:05] Your face.

[35:06] Yeah.

[35:07] Have a snack.

[35:09] It's like a one man party.

[35:12] And you see an invisible head rip his ding dong off.

[35:17] Yeah, fair enough.

[35:19] That leads us to movie recommendations.

[35:22] And tonight I'm going to recommend head of the invisible,

[35:27] head of the invisible freak.

[35:29] Okay.

[35:32] So this evening we watched a little movie called Stolen.

[35:36] Stolen.

[35:38] Starring Nicholas Cage.

[35:39] Nicholas Cage.

[35:40] We haven't seen a Nicholas Cage movie in a while.

[35:43] So I'm excited about this one.

[35:45] Like three months without a cage.

[35:48] So should we explain why we're mispronouncing Nicholas Cage?

[35:52] Well, I think listeners to the past episode are familiar with this story.

[35:55] That was pre EW.

[35:56] So we should.

[35:57] Or Pew.

[36:00] Post EW.

[36:00] And if somebody is picking this podcast up for the first time,

[36:03] we don't actually want them to get the joke.

[36:05] Exactly.

[36:05] Yeah, yeah.

[36:06] It's all about forcing people out and making them not enjoy it.

[36:10] They're not cool enough to get these inside jokes.

[36:12] So buckle on your headphones, folks.

[36:15] We're going to talk about this movie.

[36:17] It's going to be a bumpy here.

[36:20] So we should explain that this movie Stolen.

[36:22] We saw the trailer last year and it looked fantastic.

[36:26] And it's a Nicholas Cage film that for some reason in the trailer,

[36:31] the voiceover guy who has a perfectly normal voice

[36:34] announces the name of the star as Nicholas Cage.

[36:39] He throws an extra syllable in there.

[36:42] What about the segment where we create a resolution to become better people

[36:46] for the next episode and then the next episode we report on it?

[36:49] That's been cut.

[36:50] Oh, boy.

[36:50] So we're just jerks again, huh?

[36:54] You're off the chain.

[36:55] Elliot off the chain.

[36:56] Starfucker.

[36:58] Elliot Unchained.

[36:58] Coming this May.

[37:00] Starfucker.

[37:00] Rated R.

[37:02] Rated NC-17.

[37:04] They brought back the X rating for it.

[37:06] Oh, wow.

[37:07] And it's on TV?

[37:09] It's on ABC Family.

[37:10] Yeah, OK.

[37:11] It's very strange, but, you know, they put up the money.

[37:13] I think it's weird.

[37:14] Do they say ABC Family because they want the whole family to be there or?

[37:18] Because it's it's actually the original name of the channel was ABC Head of the Family.

[37:21] Oh, I'm listening.

[37:26] I was actually talking about this today, how I'm disturbed that, like,

[37:28] if you put any actress's name into Google, immediately feet will pop up behind it,

[37:36] which is apparently like foot fetishism is much larger than I expected,

[37:39] because that is the number one.

[37:41] You know, you know, it's even larger than foot fetishism.

[37:43] What?

[37:44] Bigfoot fetishism.

[37:45] Bigger feet, bigger fetish.

[37:48] Look at the size of those footprints for some guys.

[37:51] That's like an enormous blueprint.

[37:56] Anyway, the guy somewhere masturbating to the idea of Bigfoot and some Manolo Blahnik.

[38:01] Just masturbating to Harry and the Hendersons.

[38:03] Yeah.

[38:03] There's a guy who has cut out pictures of shoes from a magazine and he watches Harry

[38:07] and the Hendersons and holds it up to the TV screen.

[38:09] Yeah.

[38:10] Oh, yeah.

[38:11] That's the stuff.

[38:12] Oh, yeah.

[38:13] Old man of the forest.

[38:15] Those pumps look pretty good.

[38:17] You got the biggest feet.

[38:18] The biggest feet.

[38:21] Thirty five million dollars, Elliot.

[38:23] Most of that went to hats, fake gold, Nicolas Cage.

[38:28] I assume most of that money went straight to Nicolas Cage's castle broker.

[38:34] And the IRS.

[38:34] But anyway, it's the original Castle Freak.

[38:45] Yeah, we've got a new way to talk about Nicolas Cage and a new way to talk about Castle Freak.

[38:50] We're episode what?

[38:51] Seven hundred and eight?

[38:52] Yeah, this for one hundred years.

[38:56] We have giant Zardoz beard.

[38:59] There's never been a time we haven't been doing this.

[39:02] It's like the shining.

[39:04] There's a picture from the 20s of us doing this podcast.

[39:08] It was a radio show.

[39:09] We all think every time we walk out, we see another version of us walking in.

[39:13] Oh, yeah.

[39:14] It's like a looper.

[39:16] We got a whole primer situation going on here.

[39:21] This is a TV movie CBS would make so they could try to spin it off into a show.

[39:26] If you've got a big like the way they do with Kojak.

[39:28] I don't think CBS, the way Kojak was done.

[39:30] So like in Colombo was the same way, I think.

[39:32] So like Battlestar Galactica Mystery Show, the classic mystery show.

[39:38] Battlestar Galactica.

[39:39] Cylon's.

[39:43] There's a bunch of regular people like high society types and a Cylon in the room

[39:47] and Detective Galactica, Detective B Galactica.

[39:52] I think I know who did it.

[39:55] One more question.

[39:56] I think I'm just going to understand one more question, Mr. Cylon.

[40:00] If you're a killing machine robot, oh yes I am, case closed.

[40:04] You say you're a human being, now why are your eyes one red light that goes back and

[40:11] forth?

[40:12] I have a condition.

[40:13] That makes sense.

[40:14] That makes a lot of sense.

[40:15] Just one more question.

[40:16] If you're a regular poison, why do you have big metal claws for hands?

[40:20] I enjoy more than that, so I think we should go on to final judgments.

[40:26] How did you know the Cylon was the one who did it?

[40:34] Let's just say I had a hunch.

[40:35] Oh, he's also a hunchback, so it's always a pun at the end of the episode.

[40:40] Let's say I had a hunch.

[40:41] He looks at the camera and says, case closed.

[40:46] It's called Battlestar Galactica, Hunchback Detective, stars the late Peter Falk and a

[40:52] Cylon.

[40:53] It's always a Cylon who did it, and he talks like the guy from the stolen trailer.

Best of the Flop House 2: Ep. 76-125

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