Ep. #200 - Nothing but Trouble

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we watched...

[0:01] Don't. Do not. No.

[0:03] We watched... No. No.

[0:04] We watched a movie called... No. I can't even bear it.

[0:08] Nothing but trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[0:13] My tummy hurts.

[0:15] I've never felt more repulsed by a film.

[0:30] Hey, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:45] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:47] When do you start talking?

[0:48] I start talking now.

[0:50] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] Okay, so wait.

[0:51] Quite a podcaster running here.

[0:53] Tight ship.

[0:54] Stuart, what's your name?

Stuart Wellington

[0:55] My name is Stuart Wellingtown.

[0:58] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:59] I'm Joan Hodgaman.

[1:01] I don't think that's correct.

[1:03] That seems wrong.

[1:04] That's right, folks.

[1:05] Famous comedian Joan Hodgaman is here today.

[1:09] Hodgaman.

John Hodgman

[1:10] It's pronounced...

[1:11] Excuse me, unsolicited caller.

[1:16] It's pronounced Hodgaman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] John Hodgman is my name.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] And special guest John Hodgman is here for two big reasons.

[1:26] Two big reasons, yeah.

[1:27] It's our 200th episode.

[1:29] 200th.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30] And already you've got the gist of the podcast, Dan.

[1:33] Stupid mouth says something wrong and we jump on him about it.

[1:35] We've done 200 of these.

[1:37] I can't believe it.

[1:38] I mean, I don't know if we're going to make it to 300, but I remember back when our first

[1:41] 100th episode happened.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] And it is also Max Fun Drive.

[1:47] The time of year when we come with hat in hand to ask you for a little scratch to keep this silly thing going.

[1:54] Because we're so itchy.

John Hodgman

[1:59] Having just watched that film, I'd prefer to avoid all humor involving skin disorders.

[2:04] If you don't mind.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] So yeah, can you tell me about the Max Fun Drive, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Yeah, sure.

[2:09] If it's a little thing that just funds a whole network, Stuart.

[2:13] Okay.

[2:14] Get mad at Stuart about it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:16] And that's our network, right?

Dan McCoy

[2:18] Yeah, Max Fun.

John Hodgman

[2:19] Maximum Fun.

[2:20] Maximum.org.

[2:20] And that's John's network.

[2:21] It is.

[2:22] Yes, I also have a podcast called the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

[2:25] This is not the place to plug that.

[2:28] It's inappropriate, sir.

[2:30] What's that?

[2:31] I don't think.

[2:33] The Judge John Hodgman Podcast may not be mentioned on the Flophouse.

[2:36] Seems like I give you guys a lot of love on my podcast.

[2:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:40] Let's jerk some traffic over there.

Stuart Wellington

[2:44] When I say that your podcast is my mortal enemy.

[2:47] Why don't we just hit the switch that creates a detour so people stop listening to this podcast and go to this evil podcast out in the woods.

[2:55] No, the point.

John Hodgman

[2:56] Look, we are all brothers and sisters in the shade of Maximum Fun.

[3:01] And so it is important once a year that we turn to you, the listener, and say, it costs money to do what we do.

[3:08] And we hope that you would consider, if you enjoy this podcast, and I don't know why you would, but many of you do, to go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and toss some coins our way.

Elliott Kalan

[3:23] It could be as low as $5 a month in being a pledge person donor.

[3:28] It could be as high as a million dollars a month.

Dan McCoy

[3:30] That would be amazing.

[3:31] Yeah.

[3:32] If you're a crazy billionaire, I'm not even going to say eccentric billionaire, I'm going to say schizophrenic billionaire, why not spend a million dollars a month on us?

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] And in addition to getting access to bonus episodes like other things we've done and all the other bonus episodes for all the other shows on the network.

[3:49] Hundreds of hours of entertainment from all the shows on the network.

John Hodgman

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:52] If you give $5 a month, you will get all of the bonus content.

Stuart Wellington

[3:56] That's $60 a year.

[3:58] That's $60.

[3:58] You spend more money on, I don't know, matchbox cars with literal garbage.

[4:03] I tell you what.

Dan McCoy

[4:03] You spend more money on just junk that you then throw away.

[4:07] I tell you what.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] This month, don't buy Barely Legal.

[4:09] Never buy it again.

[4:10] Instead, put that money towards Max Fun.

Dan McCoy

[4:12] Yeah, the internet exists.

[4:13] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[4:14] Why?

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:15] Just type Barely Legal into your search engine.

[4:17] Okay.

[4:17] Do it right now.

[4:18] Go to Google.com.

[4:19] Now type in, but spell it B-A-R.

[4:21] Strangely.

John Hodgman

[4:22] Because you want bare sex.

[4:25] Strangely also a Maximum Fun podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] Dan is sick, as you can tell.

[4:30] Yeah.

[4:30] He needs medicine.

[4:31] And the only way we can get the money for that medicine is if you donate at maximumfun.org.

John Hodgman

[4:36] If we don't get Dan penicillin within the hour, he will almost certainly expire.

Dan McCoy

[4:40] And if you do get me penicillin within the hour, I will also probably expire because I'm allergic to penicillin.

[4:45] Oh, is that so?

[4:46] Yeah, please.

[4:47] If you find me on the street and think, well, this man needs a little penicillin to fix him right up.

[4:52] Don't blow to do that.

John Hodgman

[4:55] That's my vigilante do-gooderism.

[4:58] I wander the subways in the middle of the night, and if I see a passed out vagrant, I rub some penicillin under their nose.

[5:05] Just take a moldy piece of bread and rub it on their face.

[5:07] Yeah, exactly.

[5:08] Wow, so you can't have penicillin.

[5:10] While you're even more of a sickly waif than I realized.

Dan McCoy

[5:13] This is a childhood allergy.

[5:16] I don't know what's going to happen to me in adulthood.

[5:19] Right, so let's try it.

Stuart Wellington

[5:20] Yeah, you might emerge from your chrysalis.

[5:23] Yeah.

[5:24] You are no longer allergic to penicillin.

John Hodgman

[5:26] Yeah, the doctors told your mom, never let him have penicillin.

[5:29] Tell him he's allergic.

[5:30] Or else he'll turn into a super creature.

Stuart Wellington

[5:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:33] They're Harrison Bergeroning you.

John Hodgman

[5:37] Western medicine is just holding you back, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] So for $5, you get the bonus episodes.

[5:42] What do you get if you donate more than $5?

[5:43] Nothing.

[5:45] What?

[5:45] Not nothing?

[5:46] No, quite a bit more than nothing.

[5:48] This is quite an incredible deal.

Dan McCoy

[5:49] We'll get into the specific gifts later on.

[5:52] But I will say that the $10 a month level, or the $10 a month level.

[5:57] As people would say, yeah.

[5:58] $10, yeah.

[5:59] As English.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] I mean, if you want to send a $10 over to us, you'd probably melt it down for 40 cents.

Dan McCoy

[6:05] Very sharp bandana of your choice.

[6:08] Not a $10.

[6:09] Like, sharp, like it looks cool.

Stuart Wellington

[6:11] There's, I think, 22 designs.

[6:12] One for all the shows on the network.

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:15] Yeah.

[6:15] They're all beautiful designs.

John Hodgman

[6:16] They're beautiful bandanas.

[6:19] Bandani.

[6:20] Bandani?

[6:21] Bandani.

Elliott Kalan

[6:22] Mm-hmm.

[6:22] That's me.

[6:23] That's me.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] Bandani.

[6:24] Bandani.

[6:26] That was when you were the mascot for Band-Aid and Brand Band-Aids.

[6:31] Oh, I got me a cut.

[6:32] That was the thing.

John Hodgman

[6:33] Bandani's here.

[6:34] I am stuck on Band-Aid Brand.

[6:37] Because Band-Aids.

[6:38] Do you remember when they added that in?

[6:39] Yeah.

[6:40] The jingle was always, I'm stuck on Band-Aids because Band-Aids stuck on me.

[6:43] And then they added Brand.

[6:46] Because people thought it was the generic kind.

[6:47] Yeah, because attorneys hate jingles.

Dan McCoy

[6:51] I like that much more than the idea that it was a Bandani movement.

[6:55] There were people out there who were just trying to get around.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] Bandani.

[6:58] Mm-hmm.

[6:59] Well, if you killed fewer people, there wouldn't be that call.

Dan McCoy

[7:02] Look, if I killed fewer people, then how would I have any fun?

[7:05] He makes a good point.

[7:07] But what we normally do is not come to you with hat in hand.

[7:10] What we normally do is...

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] Take your hat off your head and throw it on the ground.

Dan McCoy

[7:14] Yeah.

[7:15] We steal it PG Woodhouse style as a...

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] Did he steal hats from people?

[7:20] Well, his character's thing.

[7:21] Because I know him more as an author, but I know he was a famous hat thief.

John Hodgman

[7:27] Put out of the APB.

[7:28] In his attic, he had thousands of bowlers.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Batman is on his prime computer.

[7:35] There was another robbery at the hat museum.

John Hodgman

[7:38] Oh, we're killing Danny.

[7:40] Stop, you guys.

[7:41] Don't make them laugh.

[7:42] A lung's going to come out.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] We got out...

[7:43] Don't worry, Batman.

[7:44] We got out the extra cops for the Pharaoh's hat exhibit at the museum.

[7:50] DJ Woodhouse isn't going to stop and get us this time.

Stuart Wellington

[7:54] Pharaoh's hat exhibit.

[7:56] Variety accents there from your Scotland Yard.

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] Yeah, I don't know where he was from.

[8:00] That's the thing.

[8:01] I spent a lot of today trying to figure out what my Jane Campion accent would sound like,

John Hodgman

[8:05] and it was too Australian every time.

[8:07] Yeah.

[8:07] Couldn't get it New Zealand.

[8:08] Impossible.

[8:08] Why are you working on a Jane Campion?

Elliott Kalan

[8:10] That is a good question I can't quite answer, because there is no real answer to it.

[8:14] Were you actually working on it, or were you just...

[8:16] I was, but just for fun.

John Hodgman

[8:17] I was teasing old Hodgman.

[8:18] Oh, you weren't doing it for professional reasons?

[8:20] No.

[8:21] Look, I...

[8:22] Elliot has no professional reasons at the moment, so...

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] I said, what's a job?

[8:26] I mean, I'm looking for...

Dan McCoy

[8:26] Jane Campion came to you as a director and said, I want to cast you in my movie, but you

[8:30] have to have a Jane Campion accent.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] I want you to cast you in my movie.

[8:32] I want you...

John Hodgman

[8:33] I want you to star in my biopic that I'm making of myself.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] It's called G.I.

[8:37] Jane.

[8:38] Yeah.

[8:39] It's about my struggles with my intestinal problems.

[8:41] That's a good tie-in with the movie we watched today.

Dan McCoy

[8:43] Demure.

[8:43] Because it starred Demure.

[8:44] Yeah.

[8:45] That's right.

[8:46] Now, Dan, what movie did we watch?

[8:46] Demure, more.

[8:48] We watched a movie called Nothing But Trouble.

[8:50] Now, was this a movie?

[8:51] And boy, it wasn't.

Stuart Wellington

[8:53] It is.

[8:54] It warned us.

[8:55] It warned us.

John Hodgman

[8:57] I had never seen this movie, and it was definitely ripe to be seen by me in the year of its release,

[9:06] 1991, because it probably came out on video in 1992 or late 1991.

[9:11] And I was working in a video store in New Haven, Connecticut at the time.

[9:15] I remember when it came in, I had seen previews for it on other movies.

[9:21] And I was like, I do not need to watch this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[9:24] So this video store in the 90s, your uniform was probably, what, like a pair of overalls with one of the straps off?

[9:32] I wore my jeans backwards.

[9:35] I think that's a bugs and tags.

[9:36] It was a Christmas video.

John Hodgman

[9:39] And every morning I would come in, and I would bring in the returns out of the return box,

[9:45] and I would just warm it up, Chris.

[9:48] But I mean,

[9:48] This was a time when you absolutely, like, I was in my early 20s.

[9:57] I worked at a video store, and I worked all day, and no one would ever come in.

[10:03] And all you would do, like, I believed I was immortal, and I could waste time watching terrible movies.

[10:09] And yet you never got around to watching.

[10:10] But this was one where I was like, hmm, not this one.

[10:13] Yeah.

[10:13] You know?

Elliott Kalan

[10:14] I don't think.

[10:15] There's trouble in the title.

[10:16] I'm not going to watch it.

[10:17] I don't want to see it.

[10:18] Unless the trouble is big and happening in a China that's smaller than the normal size.

Dan McCoy

[10:21] I am not interested.

[10:23] I have to say that it was a great joy of my life to inflict this movie on Mr. John Hodgman

[10:28] and look over at him at certain points when I knew what was about to happen.

[10:33] Did it show on my face?

[10:34] The bafflement and disgust on your face.

Elliott Kalan

[10:36] Let me set the stage for you for everybody.

[10:38] So Dan in his apartment, he has a couch and a rocking chair.

[10:42] And Mr. Hodgman chose the rocking chair.

[10:44] And the look on his face during certain scenes, it was like we had come upon a disapproving

[10:50] man sitting on his porch, just watching the young people doing who knows what.

Stuart Wellington

[10:54] The images on the screen literally pushed him back in the rocking chair.

John Hodgman

[10:59] But the nicest part about it was there was a TV tray in front of me with a single piece

[11:03] of fried chicken and a martini.

[11:05] And I'm like, well, life is perfect right now.

[11:07] And I enjoyed sitting down with my friends, Elliot, Dan, and what's his name?

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] Non-creative.

[11:17] We call him service industry.

[11:20] He's called below the line.

John Hodgman

[11:21] I had the pleasure of meeting Stuart in a bar, his natural habitat, late on Monday evening

[11:26] here in Brooklyn, New York.

[11:29] And I've enjoyed knowing you.

[11:31] I'm glad this is not the first time that we have met.

[11:33] And I doubt it will be the last.

[11:35] So there.

Stuart Wellington

[11:36] Bars.

[11:37] We all frequent them, right, Dan?

[11:39] We all love them.

[11:40] That's where the alcohol lives.

Elliott Kalan

[11:42] Where it lives.

[11:43] Just like food fight at night.

[11:45] The lights go out and the alcohol comes to life and has adventures.

Dan McCoy

[11:48] And has fights.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] And has brawls.

[11:51] Night at the alcohol museum.

[11:54] So you did not have the opportunity to watch this movie.

[11:57] Ever.

[11:58] He had the opportunity.

[11:58] He just never took it.

[12:00] He didn't take it.

[12:00] So I know that speaking, I think Dan has.

Dan McCoy

[12:03] Much like J.R.

[12:04] He had the option to watch this movie.

[12:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:07] I mean, that's an in joke about someone that Dan and I know telling a story that was in

[12:12] a meeting at the Daily Show.

[12:13] So no one will know that.

Dan McCoy

[12:14] We just thought it was delightful that he described it once as he had the option to watch Prometheus.

[12:19] Yeah.

[12:19] As if anyone at any time does not have the option to watch whatever movie.

John Hodgman

[12:23] Oh, he got the invitation?

[12:24] Yeah.

[12:26] He found an unmarked envelope slid under his door.

[12:30] This is very mysterious.

[12:32] What an invitation to go into deepest space with Ridley Scott?

Elliott Kalan

[12:34] Show up at this mansion and say Fidelio and then you'll see Prometheus.

John Hodgman

[12:39] Recommended that I be stoned out of my mind?

[12:41] Well, I think I have time.

[12:43] I'm not sure.

Stuart Wellington

[12:45] But this movie is one that...

[12:47] Time is the fourth dimension, Elliot.

[12:49] Thank you.

[12:49] And the movie is shot in three dimensions.

[12:51] So if you have the time to watch Prometheus, I don't know where I'm going with this.

[12:55] Warm it up, Chris.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] This is a movie that I saw...

[13:01] This is the first time of my seeing it in probably about 20, 25 years.

[13:05] Or not, it could be 25 years.

[13:06] It's in about 20 years.

[13:07] But when I was...

[13:08] It just hasn't been around that long.

[13:09] But it was on HBO all the time.

[13:12] Yeah.

[13:12] And being a child, I had nothing but time.

[13:15] Nothing but time.

[13:16] You certainly felt that you...

[13:17] Yeah.

[13:18] I thought not only that I would not...

[13:20] That I would live forever and have unlimited time, but also that it was my job apparently

[13:24] to watch whatever television decided to show me, regardless of whether I even liked it.

[13:29] They made it.

[13:29] I have an obligation to complete the circle.

Dan McCoy

[13:33] If I think this is bad, I must be wrong because adults made this.

[13:36] It was supposedly a comedy thing, too.

[13:38] Like, the fact that...

[13:39] I mean, these are not...

[13:41] I don't know.

[13:41] I mean, like, Chevy Chase's stock has fallen greatly since the making of movies such as

[13:47] Nothing But Trouble.

[13:47] Yeah.

[13:47] But at the time, you know, you see a movie with Chevy Chase and John Candy and Dan Aykroyd

[13:53] and you're a comedy person growing up.

[13:55] You think, oh, there has to be something about this movie that I'm missing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] It had a pedigree.

[14:00] Yeah.

[14:00] And if this is a movie other people don't like, maybe it's because it's too original and, like,

[14:04] too good in some ways.

[14:06] The way that there are plenty of movies that general audiences, they couldn't handle them.

[14:12] But you watch them and you're like, this is really good.

[14:14] I can see why this was too much for regular people.

[14:17] Like Vampire's Kiss.

John Hodgman

[14:19] It's just a weird movie.

[14:20] It's just a weird movie.

[14:21] You don't know how it's operating or what its logic is, but you're enchanted by it.

[14:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] And there's a pleasure to Nicolas Cage's performance.

[14:29] But you're like, I can see how other people not understanding that would be like, this is bad.

Stuart Wellington

[14:33] Can't handle 200% performance.

Elliott Kalan

[14:35] Right.

[14:36] Can't handle a man yelling every letter in the alphabet at his therapist.

John Hodgman

[14:41] But this is a very similar film because it features a very strong performance from Dan Aykroyd.

[14:49] Very committed performance.

[14:50] Yeah.

[14:51] A very weird aesthetic.

[14:53] A very, can't quite put your finger on what it thinks it's doing element to it.

[14:57] Yeah.

[14:58] And yet you find it uncharming completely.

[15:01] In fact, it is utterly disgusting and repulsive.

Elliott Kalan

[15:03] It really, even as a child, I was like, I don't, this is, I'm going to make a value judgment here.

[15:08] There are two movies that when I was a kid, I was like, I think this is not a movie I like.

[15:14] And I didn't even know that was possible.

[15:15] And they both have Chevy Chase in them.

[15:17] What's the other one?

[15:17] This and Christmas Vacation.

[15:19] Oh, right.

[15:19] Which I remember seeing that in the theaters and like a third of the way through being like, I'm not enjoying this, but I'm in a movie theater watching a movie.

[15:27] Like, is that a thing that, like I thought there was something wrong with me for a moment.

Stuart Wellington

[15:31] So that was, that was the, like, that was one of the moments when you realized that movies can be bad.

[15:36] Yes.

[15:36] Yeah.

[15:37] This is like your origin story.

[15:38] See, it was much later for me.

[15:39] It was, it was toys starring around the place.

[15:41] I was like, this is the worst thing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Psychologically, that's a movie where when I eventually saw it, I was like, this is not a good movie,

[15:47] but there's interesting things going on here.

[15:49] But yet, but it was Christmas Vacation was the one where I went to my family and they were like, I was like, my parents shrugged it off.

[15:55] They were like, that wasn't so good.

[15:56] And we left and I was like, how can you be so cavalier about this?

[15:58] What's wrong with you?

John Hodgman

[16:01] Didn't you just see what happened?

[16:03] A movie wasn't good.

[16:04] This is against the laws of reality.

Dan McCoy

[16:07] Call the local news.

[16:11] Go tell them to the Marines.

John Hodgman

[16:14] You're next.

[16:15] You're next.

[16:16] To see a movie that isn't good.

[16:18] Just running through the parking lot.

[16:22] Should we say, do you say what the movie is about?

[16:25] No, we do.

[16:26] Oh yeah, we're going to do that.

[16:27] We're just taking a long time getting around to it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] We're way on more, more on point than usual.

[16:31] Usually at this point, we're talking about some dumb, like Werner Herzog impression that one of us is doing.

[16:36] Right.

[16:37] Or like, stewards are pretty good.

Stuart Wellington

[16:39] Hello, my name is Werner Herzog.

[16:42] I'm a good director of movies.

[16:44] Yeah.

[16:45] Is that your Jane Campion?

[16:47] I think it's pretty close, right?

[16:50] Pretty close to the real one, yeah.

[16:51] I mean...

[16:52] I'm a director of a film.

Dan McCoy

[16:56] Nothing But Trouble is a hard movie to get across, though.

[16:58] Because I've tried to explain it to people by saying, like, it is an attempt to make Texas Chainsaw Massacre as a comedy.

[17:05] But if you say that, like, if I heard that, I would think, that's awesome.

[17:09] I want to see that movie.

John Hodgman

[17:10] Well, but it immediately struck me that the way this movie was made was Dan Aykroyd wandered onto the set of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and said, can I do something with this?

[17:23] Because it's the exact same premise and the exact same over-the-top, over-set-decorated, weird, tchotchke-laden, haunted house, contraption house deal as the second Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[17:35] And the second Texas Chainsaw Massacre is terrifying, but it's a comedy as well.

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] It strikes me as him seeing, like, Pee-wee's Big Adventure and being like, I could make a movie like that.

[17:47] Well, right.

[17:47] But not understanding what went into that movie.

John Hodgman

[17:50] This was his attempt to make a Tim Burton, like a gothic Tim Burton movie, but he doesn't...

[17:55] So with unpleasant man babies.

Elliott Kalan

[17:58] Unpleasant man, and a roller coaster that strips people's flesh from their bones and then spits them out.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] The movie begins with early 90s blues or jazz?

[18:07] It's a Ray Charles song.

[18:09] Ray Charles song over the Manhattan Nightlines.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] Now, this is a comedy from 1991, and as was the law passed by Congress, all comedies made between 1984 and 1992 had to open with a helicopter shot of the New York skyline and some kind of, like, bluesy jazz song sung by an African-American singer.

John Hodgman

[18:27] Right.

[18:28] That was just...

[18:28] I remember when they passed that law, I was glued to C-SPAN that afternoon.

Elliott Kalan

[18:34] It was very dramatic.

John Hodgman

[18:36] Will they or won't they?

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] When Reagan signed it into law.

Stuart Wellington

[18:39] Oh, my God.

[18:40] Tears.

[18:41] I still...

[18:41] Yeah, you interrupted the normal video watching at the movie rental store.

Dan McCoy

[18:46] To watch this historical law passed.

[18:49] Was his attempt to kick something off with soul, like, when it was the whitest movie in the world.

[18:53] Well, with Dan...

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] I mean, with most movies or just this one?

[18:57] Yeah, with most movies.

[18:57] With most movies.

[18:58] It was a way to, like, make a movie scene.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] I mean, this movie has digital underground in it, so it's not, you know...

John Hodgman

[19:01] It is technically not the whitest movie in the world on a technicality.

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] There's one scene with black people in it.

[19:09] I guess two, because there's some black state troopers at the end.

[19:11] But Dan Aykroyd also has a history of...

[19:13] There's the good things he does, and then there's the more, like, Blues Brothers-y things he does,

[19:18] where he wants to be cool.

[19:20] Where, like...

[19:21] And he's like, you know what?

[19:22] I like music.

[19:24] I know on the outside I'm white, but inside, who knows what I am.

[19:27] You know what?

[19:28] A Bruno-type character.

[19:29] Yeah, he is...

[19:32] Yeah, if only he had the faith that Bruce Willis has in putting that character on a CD

[19:37] and then never doing it ever again.

John Hodgman

[19:39] Just performing at Planet Hollywood.

[19:41] There are two things that I know about Dan Aykroyd,

[19:43] and one is that I do believe he is genuinely interested in rhythm and blues music.

[19:48] Oh, no, he is.

[19:49] And I believe that he genuinely believes that there are UFOs and ghosts.

[19:53] But beyond that, Dan Aykroyd is unknowable.

[19:56] There is.

[19:57] Like, I felt like we really saw into...

[19:59] Oh, that's raw.

John Hodgman

[20:00] This movie was written by Dan Aykroyd with his brother.

[20:03] It was directed by Dan Aykroyd.

[20:05] With his sister.

[20:06] It was a total Dan Aykroyd joint.

[20:08] He recruited a cast of old friends, John Candy and Chevy Chase,

[20:14] and Brian Doyle Murray and whatever, to be in it with him.

[20:18] The look on their faces throughout the movie is, I guess I have to do this.

[20:22] And I feel like we are peering into the addled brain of Dan Aykroyd.

[20:27] I don't know what is going on inside.

[20:29] I have not felt this way about, like, really not knowing how another human being thinks

[20:36] since the time I saw Dan Aykroyd do that ad for Crystal Head Vodka.

[20:40] I was truly like, I don't know what reality you are inhabiting.

[20:45] I don't know whether you're being serious or joking.

[20:47] And if you're being serious, I don't know who you are anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[20:49] Yeah, is this performance art?

[20:51] Or do actual humans want to spend roughly 90 minutes in this world?

[20:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] Yeah.

[20:56] There's a commercial he did.

[20:58] He had a wine also that he did commercial for that did not come in a crystal skull.

[21:03] Well, that's non-drinkable.

[21:04] But it was like, but I remember seeing the ad and he, like, gives a smile at the end

[21:08] that I think is supposed to be like, it's good stuff.

[21:11] I enjoy it too.

[21:12] But the look on his face is like, there's poison in this.

[21:16] Like, you don't know it.

[21:17] When you drink this, you're going to die.

[21:19] Like, this is our little secret and it's going to die with you.

[21:22] So, but he, okay, so we should talk about what's in, what the movie happens.

[21:25] So, we start off.

John Hodgman

[21:27] Can we, I actually want you to try to tell me what the plot of the movie is.

[21:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] The only part I'm really not clear on, I'll get to, which is, so it's New York City.

[21:37] Chevy Chase is a very rich, like, hot stock tips guy.

[21:40] He has a financial newsletter that he gives out.

Dan McCoy

[21:43] And he's throwing the.

[21:43] It just looks like a fucking pamphlet that he hands people.

[21:46] I don't know how he's making money off of this thing.

John Hodgman

[21:49] Oh, no, that's real money.

[21:50] Yeah, yeah.

[21:50] Oh, yeah.

[21:51] You kidding me?

[21:52] Financial newsletters?

Dan McCoy

[21:53] Like a newsletter?

[21:54] Yeah.

[21:54] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[21:55] You spend a lot of money to subscribe to it because it's good tips.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] Good tips.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] Although, one of the, the headline says like.

Stuart Wellington

[22:00] And he saves money by not having all the, like, artwork and color.

[22:04] Right.

[22:05] It looks like it was run off in the mimeograph in the school office.

Elliott Kalan

[22:09] Is that the.

[22:10] Is that the.

[22:10] It's a sharp financial brain.

[22:12] Is that.

[22:12] Mailman holding up a letter.

[22:13] What's the headline that we see on that?

[22:15] It's like, buy cocoa.

[22:16] Stay in cocoa.

[22:18] Stay in cocoa.

John Hodgman

[22:19] There are actually a few legit funny lines in this movie.

[22:22] And that was one of them for me.

[22:23] I didn't know what was going on there.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] But he runs into a new tenant at his building.

[22:27] Played by.

[22:28] Played by Demi Moore.

John Hodgman

[22:29] Demi Moore.

[22:30] Who is.

[22:31] That she is.

[22:32] You know, she was born half Moore, but she changed it.

[22:35] Yep.

[22:35] To be more sophisticated.

[22:36] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[22:38] Well, a Moore had mated with a human woman.

[22:41] So she was born as a Demi Moore.

[22:43] Yep.

[22:44] Of course, Hestia sent those snakes to kill her in her crib.

[22:47] But she strangled them with her prodigious strength.

[22:49] All right, I'm leaving now.

[22:50] Okay, sorry.

[22:51] But, so, she is a lawyer who's involved with some guy who is both her boyfriend and also a client.

[22:59] And he's doing some kind of landfill deal.

[23:01] This is something I did not, I couldn't wrap my mind around.

[23:04] A character we never see.

[23:05] We never see.

[23:06] A real Rosalind.

[23:07] All you need to know is that she convinces Chevy Chase, I need to go to Atlantic City tomorrow.

[23:16] Can you drive me in your fancy car?

[23:18] I don't know why she asks him in particular.

[23:20] It's a cherry beamer.

[23:22] And he says yes because he wants to put his penis inside of her.

[23:25] Oh.

[23:26] Oh, that was the subtext that I missed.

[23:28] Yeah, and when Demi Moore's at a party with him, she's wearing a low-cut black cocktail dress.

[23:34] It's framed so that you don't see her cleavage.

[23:35] And I was like, Dan Aykroyd, what kind of director are you?

[23:38] Not remembering that throughout the rest of the movie, she's constantly bending over or falling down face first with her boobs hanging out of her dress.

[23:45] So you corrected me, Dan Aykroyd.

John Hodgman

[23:48] Yeah, I would like to come back.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] You're the perfect I was looking for.

John Hodgman

[23:51] I don't want to interrupt the synopsis of the film.

[23:54] But I would like to come back to the topic of Demi Moore.

[23:59] Why did you make it?

[24:02] Why?

[24:02] She was.

[24:03] Because I understand why Chevy Chase made it.

[24:04] I understand why John Candy made it.

[24:07] I mean, it's possible she was dating Dan Aykroyd at the time.

[24:09] Probably not.

[24:10] But she was also.

[24:11] No.

[24:12] How dare you?

[24:14] How dare you suggest that Dan Aykroyd is unfaithful to Donna Dixon?

Dan McCoy

[24:17] Sorry, I apologize.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:19] My girlfriend.

John Hodgman

[24:21] That.

[24:22] So she's unfaithful to him with you.

[24:24] She doesn't know that she's my girlfriend.

[24:25] Okay.

[24:26] But that is a marriage that seems.

[24:28] That is a Canadian weirdo marriage that seems truly solid.

[24:31] They've been together for a long time.

[24:32] For a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] I always loved.

[24:35] He has certainly given her reasons to consider.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] I mean, this movie right there.

[24:39] All you have to do is go to divorce court and the judge says, what's the reason?

[24:41] And she plays the movie and the judge is like, I want to divorce you now.

John Hodgman

[24:45] So these two rich people.

[24:47] I'm offended by the portrayal of judges.

[24:48] These two rich.

[24:48] These two wealthy New York loathsome yuppies.

[24:54] Yeah.

[24:54] They're the heroes of the film.

[24:55] They're the heroes.

[24:56] And unironically portrayed as the heroes.

[24:59] Yeah.

[24:59] Like they are not villains in any way.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] We're supposed to really like them.

[25:02] We don't want to see them get a come up.

[25:03] Chevy Chase is supposed to be that.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] It's supposed to be able to pull that off though.

[25:06] That he's supposed to be able to pull off like the like rich 80s jerk.

John Hodgman

[25:11] People have believed that Chevy Chase was capable of pulling off a lot of things for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[25:16] I mean, but I mean, that's like his own Caddyshack is basically that.

[25:20] Right.

[25:20] But he says funny things in that.

[25:22] In this, there's like a dearth of funny things.

[25:24] All right, wait.

[25:25] So two.

[25:25] He reads a lot of signs in the movie.

John Hodgman

[25:27] Two wealthy creeps get into the Beamer to drive to Atlantic City for reasons unknown.

Elliott Kalan

[25:32] They're joined.

[25:32] They're joined for reasons unknown by Taylor Negron and an actress.

[25:35] I couldn't recognize.

[25:37] What Brazilians?

[25:38] As two Brazilian millionaires or Brazilianaires as Chevy Chase calls them in what is kind of

[25:43] a joke.

John Hodgman

[25:44] That was a, it was a generational defining joke.

[25:48] Everyone remembers where they were.

[25:50] They heard the term Brazilianaires.

[25:51] Yeah.

[25:51] It was like, you know, that's right up there with I'll have what she's having.

[25:54] It's like, Brazilianaires, you know, because that's a thing we all know about.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] And they decide, oh, we're going to go on the drive to for no reason.

[26:03] They leave New York City.

[26:04] Right.

[26:04] They enter New Jersey.

[26:06] And as a New Jersey native myself, having spent the first 17 years of my life there, it

[26:12] was not a portrait of New Jersey I really recognized.

[26:14] Apparently Dan Aykroyd thinks that in the space between New York City and Atlantic City,

[26:18] which is a very easy drive.

[26:19] I've done it.

[26:20] I've taken the bus that way.

[26:22] Like, that they're.

[26:23] Don't, don't, don't say that.

[26:24] You're trying to portray yourself as a successful podcaster.

[26:27] No, no.

[26:28] Just taking the bus.

[26:28] I've taken the bus.

[26:29] You have that stop in Chesaquake where you kind of sit around waiting and you're like,

[26:32] I thought it was pronounced cheesequake.

[26:34] I thought so too.

[26:35] And I was corrected.

[26:36] By who?

[26:36] They said there's going to be a stop in cheesequake.

[26:38] People are going to get on there.

[26:39] And I was like, I was imagining tourist t-shirts that say, I, I survived the cheesequake.

[26:44] Right.

[26:45] And the word cheesequake is, the font is like letters made out of cheese.

[26:47] That are shaking around like in an earthquake.

John Hodgman

[26:49] This is a reference to a stop on the Jersey Turnpike that is clearly labeled cheesequake.

[26:56] It is spelled cheesequake.

Dan McCoy

[26:57] It's spelled cheesequake like there's an earthquake made out of cheese.

John Hodgman

[26:59] But you're telling me that it's actually pronounced Chesaquake?

[27:02] That's what I was told.

Elliott Kalan

[27:03] That was a good joke, Dan.

[27:04] Thanks, buddy.

[27:04] Oh, yeah, Dan, what was the joke?

Stuart Wellington

[27:05] I didn't hear it.

[27:06] Something you can get at the Guy Fieri restaurant.

[27:07] Yeah, the All-American Grill.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] Yeah, but it's one of your dessert options.

[27:12] You get the red, white, and blue cheesequake.

[27:14] Yeah.

[27:15] It's a real mountain of American cheese.

[27:18] Inside, molten Velveeta cheese.

John Hodgman

[27:20] Yeah, and it's profoundly unstable.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] You have to eat it before it falls apart.

John Hodgman

[27:26] There's one scientist saying, you guys have to evacuate this cheese mountain.

Stuart Wellington

[27:30] I'm like, shut up, egghead.

[27:32] Measuring 7.9 on the lictor scale.

[27:36] Oh.

[27:37] Excuse me.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] Please leave.

[27:40] I just forgot your name again.

[27:43] I'm going to exercise my veto power over that joke.

[27:46] Rarely used.

[27:47] Okay, so in between New York City and Atlantic City.

John Hodgman

[27:51] If you just take a short detour because your Brazilian friends want to see the countryside.

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] You will find yourself in a Mad Max-style coal-destroyed industrial zone.

[28:03] Right, a wasteland.

[28:04] There are wasteland industrial areas in New Jersey, but rarely are they coal mines.

[28:08] And very rarely are they the personal fiefdoms of inbred hillbilly families.

[28:13] Unless it's a horror movie.

[28:14] Unless it's a horror movie.

[28:15] But again, not that many horror movies are set in New Jersey.

[28:18] Maybe in the Pine Barrens.

[28:19] But they're not getting as far.

John Hodgman

[28:21] They weren't as far south as the Pine Barrens.

[28:24] They were not in Jersey Devil territory there.

[28:26] No, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[28:27] There's no Mothman.

[28:28] Wait, Mothman's New Jersey.

John Hodgman

[28:29] That is West Virginia.

[28:30] Oh, my mistake.

[28:30] I mean, what you would find between New York.

[28:32] This movie was supposed to be set in West Virginia.

[28:35] Okay.

[28:36] I mean, it would make more sense if it were in West Virginia or anywhere in the true Appalachians

[28:41] where there is actual coal mining.

[28:42] Yeah.

[28:43] So the premise is that if you take a little bit of a detour off of the Jersey Turnpike

[28:47] in this coastal part of New Jersey, you will suddenly be in the foothills of gigantic San Bernardino-style mountains

[28:53] because that's what they were in the actual shooting.

[28:56] And it's an entirely strip-mined central Pennsylvania area coal-fire hellscape.

Stuart Wellington

[29:03] Where many of the locals boast Chicagoan accents.

[29:05] Yeah, right.

John Hodgman

[29:07] And if you miss a stop sign.

[29:09] He went to the Second City, yeah.

[29:10] If you miss a stop sign, John Candy will very politely arrest you, recommend that you be fined.

[29:18] But the crazy old judge, played by Dan Aykroyd, will sentence you to staying overnight in a weird puzzle house

[29:24] full of junk shots, keys, and phallic symbols.

Elliott Kalan

[29:31] I feel like we're skipping a couple important things, one of which is the town they drive through

[29:34] is one of these towns that only exists for creepy old people or creepy-looking people

[29:39] to sit on abandoned couches and watch city folk drive through and just scowl at them.

[29:43] They go through a stop sign and John Candy turns on his sirens and the Brazilians are like,

[29:48] hey, we should run off and just leave them behind.

[29:51] Just speed it up.

John Hodgman

[29:53] Well, because it was already set up.

[29:55] They were in this sweet Beamer.

[29:57] Yeah.

[29:57] And Cherry.

[29:58] Demi Moore basically has an orgasm about Chevy Chase's car.

[30:02] And so it's been set up like, this is an incredible car that these rich creeps have.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] Yeah, the camera just like lingers all over that newfangled GPS unit he's got.

[30:12] Yeah.

[30:12] Oh, that, I could not believe there was a GPS in that car.

John Hodgman

[30:15] Like, you know, that, if I had seen that in the movie theater, I'd be like, what an age we live in.

Stuart Wellington

[30:25] Where rich people can always know where they are.

[30:27] You would leave the movie theater, go to the pay phone and call your mom to explain that you're living in the future.

Elliott Kalan

[30:33] You just walk out dazed, looking up at the stars.

[30:36] Right.

[30:36] I've seen it.

[30:38] I've seen tomorrow.

[30:39] But it's today.

[30:41] Just stopping by standards.

[30:42] What year is it?

[30:43] What century is it?

[30:44] You understand?

[30:45] A car had a computer in it.

John Hodgman

[30:46] And the GPS, there was a lot of speculation in the room that this was somehow product placement from the GPS company, whatever it is.

[30:53] But like all of the product placement that might have been, all of the products that exist in this film end up being put in very bad light.

Elliott Kalan

[31:01] I have to assume these are the products that did not meet the asking price for not being included in the film.

[31:06] Right, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[31:07] It was an extortion situation.

Elliott Kalan

[31:10] Here's the deal.

[31:10] It would be a nice product you got.

Dan McCoy

[31:12] It would be a shame if it showed up in nothing but trouble.

[31:14] Coca-Cola.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] Quality soft drink.

[31:16] Pay me a million dollars if I'm putting it in my movie.

[31:18] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

John Hodgman

[31:19] If you're a GPS company, if you don't give me a million dollars, I'm going to feature you promptly in the movie.

[31:24] And then we will lose service in the middle of New Jersey.

[31:26] And then, as a result, the people will be murdered.

Stuart Wellington

[31:30] As you can clearly see in this scene, Dan Aykroyd's character has a tiny little train drive around delivering Pizza Hut pizzas to the horrified guests.

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] No, no, if you take my money, make it giant hot dogs.

[31:41] I'm glad we can do business, Mr. Hutts.

John Hodgman

[31:48] Of course, Stuart is referring to the condiment train in one of the most repulsive.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] Come on, ride the condiment train.

[31:56] In the scene while they're eating dinner, Chevy Chase hallucinates that Dan Aykroyd's phallic nose is actually, I guess, just a penis sticking out of his head.

[32:04] But we haven't even gotten there.

[32:05] So I guess I'll speed up to that point.

Stuart Wellington

[32:07] In a movie, that's basically a walking hallucination.

Elliott Kalan

[32:09] They go on a chase.

[32:12] John Candy reaches them because he has afterburners on his car.

[32:15] And stops them with some, he has some push-button tricks on his dashboard that cause signs to pop up in the middle of the road and send them on a detour.

Dan McCoy

[32:23] You're getting really granular with this.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] Yeah, you're speeding it up.

[32:26] Because it's important.

[32:27] I feel like it sets up two important things.

[32:29] One, that John Candy is the only likable person in the movie.

[32:32] Yeah, all right.

[32:33] In his first character.

[32:34] And two, that there's a lot of push-button gimmickry and gee whiz gadgets.

Dan McCoy

[32:39] Right.

[32:39] It's like a real Tomorrowland.

Elliott Kalan

[32:42] They're detoured into this town where the main business seems to be collecting junk and just strewing it about the roads.

[32:48] And Chevy Chase proceeds to read every sign on the road out loud because he is Andy McDowell's dad from Forget Paris.

Dan McCoy

[32:55] It's just like, uh, Applebee's and Applebee's.

[32:59] Look at that.

[33:00] Jiffy Lube.

[33:02] Interesting.

[33:03] The amount of sign reading.

[33:05] Barnes and Noble.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] There's a lot in this movie where, something I never noticed as a kid but which was pointed out and was very clear while we were watching is that there was a lot of voices dubbed in after the fact to add jokes or things or to fill silences.

[33:18] Right.

[33:19] So there's a lot of like, you'll see a shot of something and you hear Chevy Chase go like, that doesn't look good.

[33:23] You know, like, friendly folks around here.

[33:25] Let's walk down this hallway then turn left.

[33:28] The wall's coming towards us.

[33:30] It's moving too fast.

[33:31] Here's a door but it's locked.

Dan McCoy

[33:33] The early 90s version of Patton Oswalt got paid a lot of money to punch that stuff up.

[33:37] Yeah.

John Hodgman

[33:37] Well, but there are these moments of, I actually think that if you took out all those ADR ad-lib lines, it might be a harrowing horror film.

[33:46] Yeah.

[33:47] But instead they're like, hmm, there's just a lot of silence in here.

[33:50] Let's get Chevy in here to just punch it up a little bit with a couple of ad-libs.

[33:54] And Chevy Chase probably came in and said, oh boy.

[33:58] And they're like, yeah, Chevy, that was great.

[34:01] Maybe just take another run at that.

[34:03] Maybe another joke.

Stuart Wellington

[34:04] Nope, that's fine.

[34:06] You're forgetting that I'm still a superstar?

[34:07] Right.

[34:08] Chevy, maybe take off your sunglasses.

Elliott Kalan

[34:12] It's a projection room.

[34:13] I don't know that you can see the screen.

John Hodgman

[34:16] Boy, she's real ugly.

[34:17] I think we got it, guys.

[34:19] No, Chevy, could you?

[34:20] Could you act like you're in the scene?

Dan McCoy

[34:22] Nope.

[34:23] You're just stating things that are true?

[34:26] Could you?

[34:27] A to C.

John Hodgman

[34:29] I don't think there was an instance of printed matter in the film that Chevy Chase did not read out loud for the benefit, presumably, of illiterate audience members.

[34:39] Not a single headline of a newspaper, not a single street sign.

[34:45] It's like, hmm, turn left.

Dan McCoy

[34:47] Or he was doing it radio drama style later on, where he was just like, oh, that almost hit us.

[34:51] Right, yeah.

[34:52] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[34:53] Thanks, Chevy.

[34:54] Yeah, did you think this was going to double as like the tape version that kids could buy?

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] The cassette tape?

Dan McCoy

[35:01] The audio tape for long car rides.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] We're running down the hallway.

[35:04] Beep.

Dan McCoy

[35:05] Turn the page.

[35:05] You are listening to Nothing But Trouble.

[35:08] You have reached the end of Cassette A.

[35:11] You put in Cassette B of Nothing But Trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] It's me, Bozo the Clown.

[35:16] Let me tell you a story about my friends Chevy and Demi.

[35:19] They had nothing but trouble.

[35:21] When you hear the beep, turn the page.

[35:24] But they, so they, they're.

John Hodgman

[35:26] I wonder how much Nothing But Trouble merchandise was made.

Stuart Wellington

[35:30] During the movie, I googled Nothing But Trouble merchandise, and I just found a bunch of Red

[35:34] Bubble accounts of people's like Vulcanvania t-shirts they made.

[35:40] Really?

[35:41] Like later bootleg stuff.

[35:42] Later bootleg stuff.

John Hodgman

[35:43] Are you suggesting that there's a small community of Troubleheads?

[35:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:49] Nothing buddies?

[35:50] Not boys.

[35:51] I was going to say, Troubleheads, they consider to be a little bit of trouble.

[35:54] That's a little bit of a slur.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] But they're brought before this Justice of the Peace, played by Dan Aykroyd, who is an

[36:00] aged fellow and the most grotesque character until later in the movie when we meet the really

[36:05] most grotesque characters.

[36:06] And he takes sheer pleasure in killing anybody who he considers a criminal, especially bankers.

[36:12] Because a long time ago, bankers came and swindled them out of the title to this land and they drilled

[36:17] underneath it and mined everything and now it's hollow and full of fire.

[36:20] And they're forced to live there, I guess, and just be in the middle of hell.

[36:25] And so he sentences them.

John Hodgman

[36:27] He presides over a disgusting clan of mutants.

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] But not in the fun, the hills have eyes way.

[36:35] No, right.

[36:36] Where they're cooking and eating a baby.

[36:37] Right.

[36:37] In the not fun.

[36:37] In the horrifying, nothing but trouble way.

John Hodgman

[36:39] And Cherry Chase just cannot help but being a cynical jerk.

[36:43] Even when it's...

[36:43] He gets on the wrong side of this dude and he says, I will not murder you.

[36:48] You will stay overnight and have supper with us.

[36:50] Basically.

[36:53] Just to keep this dumb movie going.

Stuart Wellington

[36:56] But it's important right after they drop him in a ball pit.

[36:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:59] Full of something that is squeaky.

[37:01] And they must have added so many squeaks after the fact.

[37:04] Every move or just moment.

[37:07] You hear like, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak.

[37:09] And I think as a kid, I thought it was full of rats because of the squeakiness.

[37:12] But nobody reacts as if it is.

[37:14] They go through a trap door into a ball pit.

Stuart Wellington

[37:17] I would fall into a pit full of rats long before I would spend 10 minutes at Dan Ankerud's

[37:22] company.

[37:23] Here's the deal.

John Hodgman

[37:23] And I don't want to spoil this for anybody.

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] A harsh judgment.

John Hodgman

[37:27] If you go into this character's court, the character had about 15 different names.

[37:33] He was credited as JP for Justice of the Peace.

[37:36] Also known as Alvin.

[37:37] Also known as The Reeve.

[37:40] Judge, they called him.

[37:41] Judge, right.

[37:42] And he's basically just...

[37:43] It doesn't underestimate the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[37:44] Like, it trusts you to follow that stuff.

[37:46] He's the king of Valkenvania.

John Hodgman

[37:48] They spent a lot of time building that world.

[37:50] Yeah.

[37:51] There was some weird description, like everything else in this movie, long and unnecessary description

[37:57] of the political structure of this particular shire that it adhered to pre-colonial laws of

[38:06] some kind.

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] Pre-Magnacarta laws established.

[38:09] It's what they go by.

[38:10] Right.

[38:11] And so he has the power to kill anyone he wants.

[38:13] And it's...

[38:15] Yeah.

[38:16] There's every...

[38:16] Everything in this movie takes longer than it should.

[38:20] And so I wouldn't be surprised if Dan Aykroyd has like a 100-page packet of the history

[38:25] of these characters in this play.

John Hodgman

[38:26] Oh, I think you're absolutely right.

[38:28] I mean, you know, the world that he built for Ghostbusters is 10,000 pages long in his own

[38:36] head.

[38:36] Yeah.

[38:37] I mean, we know this from...

Elliott Kalan

[38:38] I've been trying to find...

[38:39] If any listener has one of these, I've been trying to find an original script for Ghostbusters

[38:42] when it was about him and John Belushi traveling through time and alternate dimensions.

[38:47] And the idea...

[38:48] And there was like a version of New York that was like a hell version of New York.

[38:52] And the idea was that there were different teams of Ghostbusters that traveled through

[38:56] space and time fighting demon ghosts from other dimensions.

[38:58] Like, I want to read this script so badly because it's like...

[39:02] I don't know how that turned into Ghostbusters, one of the most stripped down, clearest concepts,

[39:07] which is that like three buddies fight ghosts.

Dan McCoy

[39:09] Like they're exterminators, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[39:12] Yeah, they're exterminators, but for ghosts.

John Hodgman

[39:14] This is how it happened.

[39:16] Someone said, hey, Dan, you're amazing.

[39:21] Thank you for this.

[39:22] This is great.

[39:23] You're brilliant.

[39:25] But we're going to do this instead.

[39:28] And Dan, I was like, all right.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] Sounds good to me.

[39:32] How many different characters with weird prosthetics on their face do I get to play?

John Hodgman

[39:35] Well, right.

[39:36] But I mean, this was the movie where no one said to Dan Aykroyd, no.

[39:40] They just said, yes.

[39:41] And this is what...

[39:42] This is the pure distillation of the spirit of Aykroyd.

[39:46] And a crystal head skull bottle.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] And he...

[39:49] So they're his captives.

[39:51] He feeds them a dinner of big hot dogs.

[39:53] They introduce him to his granddaughter, also played by John Candy.

Stuart Wellington

[39:56] And we also see another group of ne'er-do-wells featuring at least one Baldwin.

[40:01] Possibly three.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] It's the two couples who are drinking, doing drugs, driving too fast.

[40:10] Like every crime a person could commit in a car, they're doing that.

[40:14] And they get pulled over and they're sentenced immediately to be put on a conveyor belt into a roller coaster.

[40:20] That's called the bone stripper.

[40:22] Mr. Bone Stripper.

[40:24] Sorry.

[40:25] Mr. Bone Stripper lives in Florida.

[40:27] Call me Tad.

[40:29] Tad Bone Stripper.

[40:31] And the bone stripper is just revolving gears and knives that literally strip the flesh from your bones and then spit the bones out of the target.

[40:39] There are so many piles of human bones in this movie, which as Dan pointed out, are almost all femurs.

[40:43] And he's just a skull or a rib cage.

[40:46] He's been killing a lot of people with ten legs.

Stuart Wellington

[40:49] It's like in certain versions of the video game Mortal Kombat where you perform a fatality and it's all chicken bones flying in the air after you punch somebody.

[40:58] You're like, that guy was four rib cages, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] Vulcanvania has a very high crime rate among centaurs because there's this extra leg bones everywhere.

[41:07] We're like Spider-Man.

John Hodgman

[41:08] I really like picturing you, Stuart, as a young man playing Mortal Kombat going, well, this is anatomically incorrect.

[41:13] This is not possible.

[41:16] I'll stop masturbating now, I guess.

[41:19] You made me a promise.

[41:22] No one go near this machine.

[41:24] If you must, perform a babality and not a fatality.

Stuart Wellington

[41:29] Right, so they kill off...

[41:30] So you're saying there was a pogrom amongst the centaurs in Vulcanvania.

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] And this judge is to blame.

[41:37] And so now the stakes have been established.

[41:41] If they are on this judge's bad side, they will be killed.

[41:44] Their bones will literally be stripped.

[41:46] Yeah, and they don't get those bones back.

[41:49] The judge gets to keep them.

[41:50] They don't even get buried.

[41:50] He keeps them in his walls.

John Hodgman

[41:52] Yeah.

[41:53] Along with his slides.

Elliott Kalan

[41:54] Along with his series of slides and secret passages.

[41:57] It's like the way a kid understands an old house to be, which is like, that's a big house.

[42:00] It must be full of traps and slides.

[42:03] As opposed to, this is an old house.

[42:04] The structure really can't support all this extra stuff.

[42:07] Like the walls are not going to be full of slides and machinery and stuff like that.

[42:11] But at this point, they're served a disgusting dinner.

[42:16] There's a train that goes around with condiments on it while a song plays.

[42:19] This happens twice.

[42:20] It was the Wabash Cannonball.

[42:22] Yeah, was it?

[42:23] Oh, I didn't recognize it.

[42:23] It's the centerpiece of the movie.

[42:25] Like this is where.

[42:26] And the centerpiece of the dinner table.

[42:27] Right.

[42:28] There's so many unnecessary gadgets and every room is full.

[42:32] It looks like they went to somebody on the show Hoarders and they were like, can we just shoot this movie in your house?

[42:37] Can we add some stuff?

Stuart Wellington

[42:39] Add a few things.

[42:41] As long as you pay me in cat skeletons.

[42:45] Well, we can't, but we have some femurs.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Good enough.

[42:49] Throw some more busted typewriters over there and some more old whatever.

[42:54] Pick up.

[42:54] Go to the dump.

[42:55] Pick up like three tons of shit and just like drop it around the house.

John Hodgman

[42:59] I would like to see.

[43:00] I'm going to look up who the set decorator was.

Elliott Kalan

[43:01] I mean, the set decorator did.

[43:03] No, he did a fantastic job.

[43:05] Yo, person's work.

[43:06] The quality of the job was not amazing, but the quantity of the job was astounding.

[43:10] But if you.

Dan McCoy

[43:11] The set decorations are pretty amazing.

[43:13] If you find it inherently funny to have phallic sausages served to people at a dinner.

[43:19] Oh, boy.

[43:20] If you want to watch.

[43:21] Oh, brother.

[43:21] Let me ask you this question.

John Hodgman

[43:23] Sucked down a sausage.

[43:24] I love that joke so much that I'd like to see it seven or eight times.

[43:29] Does this movie have anything for me?

[43:31] And everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[43:32] Oh, sister.

[43:34] So John Candy and Drag is serving up sausages out of a steamer tray.

[43:40] Every time she presents to someone, they react as if they've never seen a sausage before.

Dan McCoy

[43:45] They're horrified by the very idea of something long and tube-shaped.

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] Of like a delicious thing that everybody likes to eat.

[43:52] Demi Moore takes about three minutes to manhandle a ants on the log onto her plate.

[43:57] As if she doesn't realize she could use her left hand to pick this piece of celery up.

Elliott Kalan

[44:02] John Candy goes, ants on the log.

[44:03] And Demi Moore reacts as if it was the eyeball soup from Temple of Doom.

[44:07] Like she just said, oh, there's monkey brains.

[44:08] I don't know how to handle this.

[44:11] But so after they.

[44:12] Now this is where.

Dan McCoy

[44:13] It is kind of a funny joke, though.

[44:14] Like if I went to a formal dinner party and someone offered me ants on the log.

[44:17] I would hardly call it a formal dinner party.

Elliott Kalan

[44:20] Look.

[44:20] It's not black tie.

Dan McCoy

[44:23] There's no place cards.

[44:24] You're right.

[44:25] They did not dress for dinner.

[44:26] I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:28] But ants on the log is a funny thing for them to serve.

[44:31] Yeah.

John Hodgman

[44:32] Well, yeah.

[44:33] I mean, if it had just been like ants on a log, then that's the joke.

[44:36] Done.

[44:37] You know what I mean?

[44:37] But instead she's like.

Dan McCoy

[44:39] How do I pick this up?

[44:41] How does any human handle this?

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] I've never understood this.

[44:45] Do I need tongs?

[44:47] So to make a long story short.

[44:49] They run around this mansion forever.

[44:51] Taylor Negron and his sister wife.

[44:53] I guess just his sister.

[44:54] They escape helped by John Candy.

[44:57] And Demi Moore and Chevy Chase find themselves in an attic full of driver's licenses from previous

[45:03] victims.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] Yeah.

[45:04] Where they smoke the eighth cigar that Chevy Chase apparently has on.

Elliott Kalan

[45:07] Chevy Chase is constantly pulling cigars out of his pocket and smoking them.

[45:11] And it's like how many cigars?

[45:12] He has a humidor jacket.

[45:14] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[45:16] Like, sure, I'll do this movie for you as a favor.

[45:18] You have to pay me in cigars.

[45:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] Underneath my suit jacket, I'm just wearing a Chewbacca bandolier of cigars.

[45:26] So just be ready for me to pull them out.

[45:28] He and Demi Moore hit it off because, I guess, the fear of death.

[45:32] The script said that it had to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[45:34] It's the realization that how large this conspiracy goes.

Dan McCoy

[45:38] But also, I have never seen, I think, in any movie, two larger blanks than these two main

[45:46] characters.

[45:47] I mean, they're rich yuppies, which means we like them because it's-

[45:50] Right.

[45:50] Oh, they made it.

[45:52] They're successful.

[45:52] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] Well, like I was saying while we were watching it, that this took place during the first

[45:56] of what I'm going to call the Trump crests, when Donald Trump went from being like a vulgar,

[46:01] horrible thing to someone that people admired and wanted to be like.

[46:06] And then he fell back down again, and now he's back on the top of the second Trump crest.

[46:10] But at the time, it was like, are you rich and white and attractive?

[46:15] You must be the best person in the world.

[46:17] Yeah, you're the hero of the movie now.

[46:18] Yeah, like you're the hero.

[46:19] You're Chevy Chase.

John Hodgman

[46:20] Do you have a nice car?

[46:21] Oh, great.

[46:22] I love you.

[46:24] Do you clearly define motives?

[46:25] No?

[46:25] Who cares?

Elliott Kalan

[46:27] It's similar to how in Teen Wolf, his best friend Boof is objectively more attractive than

[46:32] the girl he's going after, but she's blonde, and Boof is a brunette.

[46:34] So scientifically, the blonde is more desirable.

[46:38] You'll never get over Boof.

Dan McCoy

[46:41] You're never going to get over Boof.

[46:41] I like her a lot.

[46:42] Yeah, Brian.

[46:43] I mean, I feel like-

[46:44] She's got the name Boof.

[46:45] Which is inherently adorable.

Stuart Wellington

[46:47] It adds an air of mystery to her.

[46:50] How did she get that name?

[46:50] And what's her real name?

[46:52] There is-

[46:52] Is a neckman?

John Hodgman

[46:53] There is absolutely-

[46:55] I actually felt that Chevy Chase was-

[46:59] Like, the movie opens in a realistic setting.

[47:02] Yeah.

[47:02] Like, where you feel like, oh, this is going to be some sort of screwball, you know,

[47:06] modern screwball comedy about Wall Street, and Chevy Chase has got a certain amount of

[47:12] charm to him.

[47:12] He's got a little bit of roguish charm, and he's-

[47:15] Kind of underplaying everything.

[47:17] And I'm like, I'm going to see this movie.

[47:18] And then it takes this hard left turn into phony Tim Burton territory.

[47:23] And you never know why she's going along.

[47:25] And they have zero chemistry with each other.

[47:27] And then all of a sudden, they are sentenced by the judge to spend the night together in

[47:32] a room.

[47:32] And then he-

Elliott Kalan

[47:33] Which is like a sitcom judge sentence.

[47:35] Or like, yeah, romantic comedy movie.

[47:36] Right.

[47:36] This couple's divorcing while I sentence you to spend one night in the cabin alone together

[47:41] to see if there really is no spark left.

[47:43] And guess what?

[47:44] Can you do that, Judge?

John Hodgman

[47:45] There's no spark, and there never was a spark.

[47:47] No.

[47:47] They have zero-

[47:48] Absolutely nothing about their characters or their performances suggests that they should

[47:52] be together.

[47:53] Chevy Chase, of course, makes the moves on Demi Moore.

[47:56] And every-

[47:57] Kind of.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] Well, I mean, he's kind of-

[47:59] He gives her a cigar.

John Hodgman

[48:01] Right?

[48:01] I mean, in a movie full of phallic symbols, that was the most subtle one he could do.

[48:07] And he kind of like makes a couple of sort of obligatory moves on her.

[48:12] And then she just goes, I have to kiss you on your face a lot.

[48:17] Yeah.

[48:17] And I love you.

[48:18] And I fall for the wrong man all the time.

[48:20] But now I have to go to sleep.

[48:21] And then she goes away.

[48:22] And it was such a strange moment, right?

Stuart Wellington

[48:27] It felt like a dream sequence.

[48:29] And since it came shortly after a moment where we all assume Chevy Chase dreams that Dan

[48:34] Aykroyd's character's nose is an actual penis.

[48:37] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] This is handled so poorly.

Stuart Wellington

[48:39] Moments away from spurting semen all over the hot dog he's shoving in his mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[48:43] Dan Aykroyd's talking to him.

[48:44] It cuts to Chevy Chase.

[48:45] It cuts back.

[48:46] And Dan Aykroyd is wearing a much more penis-like prosthetic nose.

[48:49] And it started out pretty penis-like.

[48:51] Yeah.

[48:51] And then it cuts back to Chevy Chase.

[48:53] And he's like, huh?

[48:54] And then it cuts back to Dan Aykroyd looking the way he did before in the slightly less penis

[48:57] nose.

[48:58] Right.

[48:58] There's no filter on the image to make sure you know it's a dream.

[49:03] It's just like-

[49:03] I can only-

[49:04] It's almost like they did a take with the wrong prosthetic on.

[49:07] And then Dan Aykroyd saw his reflection in a mirror and was like, oh, we said no to this

[49:11] one because it looked too much like a penis.

[49:12] Give me the other one.

[49:13] I can only-

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] Guarantee-

[49:16] No, here's what I-

[49:17] Go ahead.

[49:17] I'm just saying that I'm assuming there's an entire cut of the movie where he shot with

[49:21] the more penis-like penis-like penis.

[49:22] Yeah, no, exactly.

John Hodgman

[49:23] Like, that's where I feel like they finally said to Dan Aykroyd, we can't- you can't wear

[49:28] that.

[49:28] You can't wear that in the movie.

[49:29] And he's like, let me have it for one scene.

Dan McCoy

[49:32] The first movie that got an NC-17 for explicit nose.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] He said, trust me, people are going to love it.

[49:42] You said the same thing about you getting a blowjob from a ghost and it's the one scene

[49:46] nobody likes in that movie, Dan.

John Hodgman

[49:48] That's true.

[49:49] I just re-watched Ghostbusters with my children and I'm like, oh, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[49:53] And that was part of a whole other sequence that got cut, is my understanding of it.

[49:58] Well, go on.

Dan McCoy

[49:59] At the Museum of Natural History or something like that?

[50:02] Something like that, or the Met, or I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[50:04] How do you explain that to your children, by the way?

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:08] I don't.

[50:09] Daddy, why did his eyes cross?

John Hodgman

[50:10] Just stare straight ahead and don't make eye contact.

[50:16] Get through it and see if any questions bubble up.

[50:18] And it's like, no?

[50:19] All right, good.

Dan McCoy

[50:19] Look, you'll get blowjobs from a ghost when you're ready for it.

John Hodgman

[50:23] Yeah.

[50:24] You'll understand later when a ghost blows you.

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] When a creep and a ghost love each other very much.

[50:30] Now I like to imagine that your children turn to you and they're like, Dad, is there anything

[50:32] you want us to explain about what just happened there?

[50:34] Yeah, right.

[50:35] Because I know you're from a more innocent time.

John Hodgman

[50:38] When there weren't ectoplasmic blowjobs all over the place on Snapchat or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[50:43] So they manage to escape because John Candy pulls a lever that opens a door for them.

[50:49] Yeah, he takes pity on them.

[50:50] He does.

[50:51] He's the nicest guy.

[50:53] He's just trying to do his job as a policeman.

[50:54] Now they're on the run.

[50:58] Chevy Chase manages to watch as Dan Aykroyd gets ready for bed and pulls his own nose off.

[51:03] No, wait a minute.

[51:04] Wait a minute.

[51:05] You jumped ahead.

[51:06] Wait.

John Hodgman

[51:07] First of all, before he sees the nose coming off, they leave their bedroom.

[51:14] Oh, yeah.

[51:15] A wall tries to crush them.

[51:16] A wall tries to crush them.

[51:17] Chevy Chase narrates exactly what the wall is doing at every moment.

[51:20] Now it's five feet away.

[51:21] Now it's three feet away.

[51:22] Now it's two feet away.

[51:22] Let's go up these stairs.

[51:23] Oh, it's a blind staircase.

[51:24] They go up into the attic.

[51:26] It's rigged.

[51:27] There's a booby trap in the attic.

[51:29] They almost get crushed by a safe.

Elliott Kalan

[51:31] Because Wile E. Coyote designed this house for them.

John Hodgman

[51:35] Exactly.

[51:35] Because the attic is the repository of all of the driver's licenses and passports that have been confiscated by the Dan Aykroyd character and his forefathers over hundreds of years.

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] Yeah, it's the rare evidence attic.

[51:49] Right.

[51:50] Instead of the evidence at the top, instead of in the dungeon.

John Hodgman

[51:53] They get, but they end up going down slides that are hidden.

[51:56] Then they go down slides, but the slides make a forking path.

[52:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:02] Chevy Chase watches Dan Aykroyd get ready for bed.

[52:04] And Demi Moore ends up in.

[52:05] Through his porkies hole.

[52:06] Yeah.

[52:06] It's all.

[52:08] And Demi Moore ends up in, and Dan Aykroyd catches him and whatever.

[52:12] And Demi Moore ends up in the junkyard where we finally meet the least, the most grotesque characters.

[52:16] The most unpleasant thing in the movie.

[52:18] Which are two enormous.

[52:20] Let's just say again, this is a movie in which Dan Aykroyd has a penis on his nose.

[52:24] It's unmistakably a penis.

[52:25] It's like Dan Aykroyd was like, I'm worried there are people who are still going to be enjoying this movie.

[52:31] There might still be people in the theater by this point.

[52:33] How can we get them out?

[52:34] Because this is an elaborate producer's style scam.

[52:39] Because I'm trying to make the least successful movie in history.

[52:41] How do we drive out that extra person who fell asleep during the beginning of the film and is still in there?

[52:46] I have two enormous, mentally deficient man babies who are wearing huge latex fat suits that jiggle a lot and are constantly wet.

Dan McCoy

[52:56] Yeah, and they've got double man boobs.

[52:59] Double man boobs.

[53:00] And huge dirty diapers.

[53:03] And a giant gut.

[53:05] And they're all really oily.

Elliott Kalan

[53:07] And talk in like a duh-duh type way.

[53:10] And it's implied become sexually attracted to Demi Moore or maybe want to eat her.

[53:16] Like it's, you know.

[53:17] They keep her in a cage and play cards with her.

[53:20] It's often one of the same with giant man babies.

[53:20] Right.

[53:21] They play cards with her.

[53:22] And it's like, at that point I feel like where the movie has gone from semi-realistic to bizarre.

[53:27] That's the point.

Dan McCoy

[53:28] And then from bizarre to like nightmare.

[53:29] That's the point that Dan Aykroyd put into the movie.

[53:31] He was like, this is going to be really great for people who have a really high fever when they're watching this at home.

[53:36] They'll be trying to explain it to people later on.

[53:39] And the other people will be like, no, that didn't happen.

[53:41] Sure you saw the man babies.

Elliott Kalan

[53:42] Sure you saw it.

[53:43] No, no, I did, Sarge.

[53:45] I promise I did.

[53:46] Take him away, boys.

Dan McCoy

[53:49] Why did I try to explain this to an Irish police officer?

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] Take him away.

[53:52] Nothing to see here.

[53:53] Certainly no man babies.

John Hodgman

[53:54] These two characters are so shockingly repulsive on every level.

[54:01] Everything about them.

[54:04] I kind of was speechless for a moment.

[54:07] And there was a moment where I was wondering, maybe I have this all wrong.

[54:10] Maybe this is art.

Stuart Wellington

[54:12] I had to leave the room at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[54:15] I can't help during scenes like this in movies, I can't help imagining like, what was it like to be on set while they're shooting this?

[54:23] Like, was anyone there under the impression that like, this is funny stuff that we're making?

[54:27] Like, just imagine like the technical crew who they don't give a shit about the content of the movie they're working on.

[54:32] A job's a job.

[54:33] And they have to watch these two overpaid actors, one of whom is also the director and is giving them direction while wearing this giant oiled up man baby costume.

[54:43] And they have to watch him jiggle around and like do a dumb guy boy.

[54:46] Like, boo-boo, ga-ga.

John Hodgman

[54:48] How will you work for this man?

[54:49] Hold this thing.

[54:51] I'm trying to kill someone.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] I have to send those to the last scenes shot because nobody would work with Dan Aykroyd after that.

Stuart Wellington

[54:57] What I would love is it's one of the last days and the makeup artist is like, look, I brought my son.

[55:02] He's a huge Ghostbusters fan.

[55:04] He's always wanted to meet Dan Aykroyd.

[55:06] Let me bring him on the set today.

[55:08] Oh no, he has to meet him this day.

Elliott Kalan

[55:10] And it's like that, what is it, the long jaunt?

[55:13] Like, the kid, his hair goes white and he's blind and he's just like, ah!

[55:17] Yeah, the Stephen King short story, the kid's eyes have been torn out.

[55:21] It's longer than you think.

[55:23] But she, they, you know, luckily Dan Aykroyd's granddaughter.

[55:29] Well, then they reunite and escape.

[55:31] I mean, who cares?

[55:32] Is there a point?

[55:34] No, because we skipped both that one.

[55:36] Chevy Chase is almost forced to marry Dan Aykroyd's granddaughter, played by John Candy.

[55:40] He does, he does marry her.

[55:41] He does marry her to get out of being killed.

[55:43] And then inexplicably, Digital Underground shows up.

[55:45] Oh, right, I forgot.

[55:46] That is worth talking about.

[55:48] Performs a song, Dan Aykroyd boogies with them by playing the organ, and then allows them to go.

[55:53] But first, they'll be the band at the wedding.

John Hodgman

[55:54] Just for the Digital Underground people in the audience, the song they performed was all the same song.

[56:00] I think it's from Sex Packets, and it features both Shakji and Humpty.

[56:05] So that's not.

[56:06] As well as backing vocals by Tupac Shakur.

[56:08] So it's not a song that they wrote for the movie.

[56:11] That was already a Digital Underground song.

[56:11] No, and maybe it wasn't on Sex Packets.

[56:13] Maybe it was in their follow-up record, because that would be around the time of their follow-up record.

[56:16] I remember the video, though.

[56:17] And this is probably them trying to launch their next album.

Stuart Wellington

[56:20] Yeah, the video had a bunch of stuff from the movie, because I hadn't seen the movie when I saw the video,

[56:24] and I was like, this looks great as a child.

[56:27] For some reason, clips of this movie were just enough to give me a little bit of a taste, a little bit of an appetizer.

Elliott Kalan

[56:36] So what You Could Be Mine was to Terminator 2, one of the better synthesis of song to video that's mainly scenes from a movie.

[56:44] This was to All the Same Song.

Stuart Wellington

[56:47] Kind of.

[56:47] I mean, I don't remember it features a scene at the end that wasn't featured in the actual movie,

[56:52] where characters interact at the end of the You Could Be Mine video,

[56:56] where the Terminator determines that Guns N' Roses are, in fact, a waste of ammunition.

Elliott Kalan

[57:00] Yeah, or Freddy Krueger in that Dokken video.

Stuart Wellington

[57:03] Yeah, where he's like, who are those guys?

[57:05] They're super terrifying.

John Hodgman

[57:08] When you saw the video of the song, did it include the Dan Aykroyd in Old Man Prosthetics jamming out on the pipe organ sequence?

Stuart Wellington

[57:17] I'm sure it did.

[57:18] I don't know what was wrong with me as a child.

[57:20] I think my parents let me watch TV in the basement, and it just worked my mind.

John Hodgman

[57:24] Well, you lived in a house that was full of slides and traps and trap doors.

Elliott Kalan

[57:29] Because he's sending people through the bone-eating roller coaster.

[57:33] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[57:38] My parents told me our family history with, like, a burned-out half-TV set.

Stuart Wellington

[57:46] Because he lived in the play The Skin of Our Teeth.

Dan McCoy

[57:50] This is a weird mashup of modern and ancient times.

Stuart Wellington

[57:54] I like this soft, melodic version of the Mr. Bone Stripper theme.

Dan McCoy

[57:59] This is the Mr. Bone Jangles version.

[58:01] Mr. Bone Jangles.

[58:03] No, but it is worth...

Elliott Kalan

[58:04] Mr. Bone Stripper, strip some bones for me, you know.

Dan McCoy

[58:07] It is worth mentioning that the Digital Underground thing is easily the best scene in the movie,

[58:13] because it is just a musical break.

[58:15] You get to forget that the movie is not happening.

[58:17] You get to forget the movie is happening.

Elliott Kalan

[58:18] Digital Underground is doing what they do best, to make music.

[58:21] There's women in skimpy clothes dancing around.

[58:23] It's suddenly like we're watching The Box, the old music video channel where you would call in and pay $3 to get them to play a video.

[58:32] And the video Pop Your Coochie was constantly playing.

Dan McCoy

[58:37] Humpty's wearing his nose and all is right with the world.

[58:41] Look, you guys.

John Hodgman

[58:43] As I mentioned, I am Brookline, Massachusetts' biggest Digital Underground fan.

[58:48] And I love that band.

[58:50] And I think Shaq G is a genius.

[58:52] I think Humpty Hump is an incredible invention.

[58:56] And I think their songs are terrific.

[58:58] And that guy...

[59:00] Shaq G, if you're out there, call me, because I want to know what's going on with you.

[59:04] Because that guy had tons of charisma in that movie.

[59:06] He should have been a movie star.

[59:08] And Tupac...

[59:09] Tupac was...

[59:10] Also, like, commanded the screen the few seconds he was on it.

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] It's amazing how much genuine magnetism they have in this one scene.

[59:17] Yeah.

[59:17] And there's a part where they're leaving and Chevy Chase is like, no, no, no.

[59:21] And he goes, hey, I was nervous on my wedding day, too.

[59:24] And as he's walking out, and it is the funniest joke in the whole movie.

[59:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:28] And the most genuine ad-lib.

[59:30] He's created a character.

[59:31] You're like, I want to know more about this.

[59:32] I want to know.

[59:33] I want to follow.

[59:34] Can we go with...

[59:35] You're like, he's married?

[59:36] Can we go with them now?

John Hodgman

[59:38] He's got a backstory all of a sudden.

Elliott Kalan

[59:40] It's one of the few movies where they left and followed a bunch of...

[59:43] Basically, featured players.

[59:45] And just follow them on their adventure, like, I guess, like, Pulp Fiction style.

[59:49] Right.

[59:49] And be like, this was...

[59:50] Yeah, that was the right creative choice to make.

John Hodgman

[59:52] That was a crazy thing that just happened.

[59:53] But now I'm glad we're with Digital Underground.

[59:56] Tupac...

[59:56] So Chevy Chase said...

[59:58] I've looked it up.

[1:00:00] That he hated the script, but he had to make it because Dan Aykroyd was his friend,

[1:00:05] and it was the worst movie he had ever been in.

[1:00:08] In the next year, he would make Memoirs of an Invisible Man.

[1:00:13] And then the year after that, he made Cops and Robbersons.

[1:00:16] The year after this movie, Tupac Shakur was in Juice.

[1:00:21] Okay.

[1:00:22] And was suddenly a true movie star.

[1:00:25] So you're saying that...

[1:00:25] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] They peed in a fountain together.

[1:00:26] Yeah, they held a magic skull that was on set.

[1:00:29] Something happened.

[1:00:30] Something happened.

[1:00:31] Chevy Chase was meant to be murdered in a drive-by, whereas Tupac Shakur, it should be on community.

[1:00:37] Well, exactly.

John Hodgman

[1:00:39] You know what?

[1:00:40] I think all of America is agreeing with you right now.

[1:00:46] And we all know how the West Coast rappers hated Chevy Chase.

[1:00:50] Yeah.

[1:00:51] I mean...

[1:00:53] Huge feud.

[1:00:53] Look at history, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:54] It was a subset of the everybody versus Chevy Chase food.

[1:00:57] The planet Earth versus Chevy Chase battle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:59] I can only imagine Chevy Chase and Dr. Dre in the California love video tooling around in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:05] In a dune buggy.

[1:01:06] Right.

[1:01:07] Just rescuing those babes from that warlord.

[1:01:12] Chevy Chase is humming, call me Al.

[1:01:17] So in the end, they escape.

[1:01:19] There's a wonderful moment where they're escaping in what remains of Chevy Chase's car.

[1:01:24] And Demi Moore says, there's no seatbelts.

[1:01:26] And he goes, there's no roof.

[1:01:27] And their mouths are not moving while these lines come up.

[1:01:30] At that point, they're like, fuck it.

[1:01:31] I know they're on camera.

[1:01:32] We'll just dub it in anyway.

[1:01:34] And they escape.

[1:01:35] They go to the police.

[1:01:36] The police come with them to the judge's house.

[1:01:39] It was a huge convoy of troopers and everything.

[1:01:42] Because this man has been murdering people for decades.

[1:01:44] Turns out, they're all the judge's friends.

[1:01:47] They love him.

[1:01:48] They like that he's taken out the trash.

[1:01:50] And they're about to...

John Hodgman

[1:01:50] It's a classic horror movie reversal.

[1:01:53] Yeah.

[1:01:53] It turns out the world is insane.

[1:01:55] Turns out Dr. Saperstein's in on it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:57] Yeah, that's...

[1:01:58] You know what I'm talking about.

[1:02:00] I think so.

[1:02:00] It's a Rosemary's Baby reference.

[1:02:02] Oh, okay.

[1:02:02] We call that a malign paradigm shift.

[1:02:05] When you realize that all the other patrons in the medieval bar that you're in are actually werewolves.

[1:02:13] Everything you thought about reality is wrong.

[1:02:15] Yeah.

[1:02:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] It's a real society take.

[1:02:17] Yep, exactly.

[1:02:19] So then...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:19] Luckily, the movie doesn't linger on that moment long at all.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:22] No, the one moment of genuine unsettlingness.

[1:02:26] Sorry.

[1:02:27] They...

[1:02:27] Uh-oh.

[1:02:28] Luckily, the earthquake that's been hinted at throughout the movie because the ground is so unstable...

John Hodgman

[1:02:32] Well, there's been a coal fire for 26 years.

[1:02:35] Oh, that's right.

[1:02:35] Which is based on Centralia, Pennsylvania.

[1:02:38] Yes.

[1:02:38] Where there has been a coal fire that has been burning for now probably 46 years.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:42] I think Pennsylvania was within driving distance of New York and they could have set the movie there.

John Hodgman

[1:02:46] But unfortunately, it's on the other side of the country.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:49] Right.

[1:02:49] They...

[1:02:50] And I guess because Chevy Chase blew up a bunch of barrels trying to escape from the full-body guillotine that the man-baby were about to subject Demi Moore through.

John Hodgman

[1:03:00] Against their will.

[1:03:01] They loved her.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:02] Yeah.

[1:03:02] That hit a fault line, I guess, or something.

[1:03:04] Which also...

John Hodgman

[1:03:05] I didn't make that connection.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:06] That's my guess.

[1:03:07] I don't know because it's not very clear.

John Hodgman

[1:03:09] Yeah.

[1:03:09] Well, I mean, at that point, I had stopped worrying about whether anything was causing anything else to happen in the movie at all or if it was just happening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] I mean, the movie posits a world where there is no logic or causality.

[1:03:19] Right.

[1:03:19] Or an uncaring God.

[1:03:22] Yeah, God not only uncaring, hates man and wants man to suffer and has brought...

[1:03:27] Much like the judge in Blood Meridian, we have the judge in Nothing But Trouble who is just an agent of evil.

[1:03:33] Who perhaps is as old as the universe and will outlive man and exists only to take joy in the seduction and then destruction of others.

[1:03:41] But so that hits.

[1:03:43] They escape again and they're back in New York and they find out on the TV news that the judge has survived and he's going to come get them.

[1:03:50] Chevy Chase literally jumps up and you see a Chevy Chase shaped hole in the wall as if he ran through it like Bugs Bunny.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:58] Merry-go-round broke down plays on the soundtrack.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:01] I mean, if this was Gremlin Sue, I'd be like, yes, definitely.

John Hodgman

[1:04:05] And that was the moment...

[1:04:08] So Chevy Chase is in New York and he's watching coverage.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:11] That was one of the many moments in which I looked over at Hodgman to see how did he react to this.

John Hodgman

[1:04:15] Well, because that was the return of the penis nose at that moment, too.

[1:04:19] I mean...

[1:04:20] Oh, yeah.

[1:04:21] That was...

[1:04:21] It was not just that the...

[1:04:24] So Chevy Chase is in New York watching television coverage of the Mindfire and they find an old vagrant and it turns out to be Dan Aykroyd.

[1:04:32] And he turns to the camera and he's got that penis nose on and he's like, I'm coming for you.

[1:04:36] And then Chevy goes, feet don't fail me now.

[1:04:38] The end.

[1:04:41] And everyone's like, thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:43] And the credits roll and somewhere in the dusty corner of A Planet Hollywood, the facial prosthetic of Dan Aykroyd.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:49] Yes.

[1:04:50] I like to think there's a Planet Hollywood in like Bangkok that's been demolished because it couldn't sustain itself.

[1:04:56] And all the props are taken out except that one.

[1:04:58] And the camera pushes through the rubble and pushes past like there's a group of street people who are coming down with strange diseases.

[1:05:06] And it pushes in on that prosthetic and it just glows briefly and then cuts to credits.

[1:05:11] It's evil is still inside it waiting for a new host.

John Hodgman

[1:05:15] Now I'm going to say something that may be controversial at this table.

[1:05:20] Wow.

[1:05:20] Okay.

[1:05:21] Let me steal myself.

[1:05:24] I felt that Dan Aykroyd's performance was fantastic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:29] I think I'll give you that he is playing that character as much as that character can be played.

[1:05:35] Yes.

John Hodgman

[1:05:35] It's just he gives himself no funny things to do.

[1:05:38] Well, he shouldn't be funny.

[1:05:40] He should be creepy.

[1:05:41] This was Dan Aykroyd's attempt to make either a horror movie or like a horror comedy, either like a gothic horror comedy like a Tim Burton or as we were saying like a freak out horror comedy like Texas Chainsaw.

[1:05:55] And the problem was he couldn't make a Tim Burton movie because he doesn't have good taste or discretion or restraint of any kind.

[1:06:02] And he doesn't know how to direct a movie.

[1:06:05] Tim Burton, the director known for his restraint.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:08] Well, right.

John Hodgman

[1:06:09] But I mean like when you think about this movie in contrast to like Beetlejuice, which had a lot of upper class sort of, you know, the straights in the movie were these upper class rich people.

[1:06:20] And that, you know, they were they were the grotesques and the monsters were the sort of freewheeling agents of chaos that you kind of liked even when Beetlejuice was terrifying.

[1:06:33] Right.

[1:06:33] Well, so if you in this movie, they had the other way around.

[1:06:38] They made the monsters, you know, they made the grotesque characters, the villains and the rich people, the heroes when it should have been the other way around.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:47] Well, when you're talking about like country versus city, the country is only good in a horror movie like the right or the city or the country or the like the oppressors in a horror movie because it's like the backwoods maniacs in a comedy.

[1:07:02] Country always beats city like cities.

[1:07:04] Always a bad guy.

[1:07:05] Yeah, right.

[1:07:06] And crocodile dundees.

[1:07:07] If that's a comedy, is that a comedy?

[1:07:09] Sure.

John Hodgman

[1:07:10] But cities, you know, like even if even if country in a horror movie is is an agent of murder.

[1:07:19] Right.

[1:07:19] And terror and horror.

[1:07:22] It's always because the city kids deserve it.

[1:07:24] Yeah, that's because they're shallow or they kissed each other or something, you know, or they they they cross some taboo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:31] I mean, in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I think it's just that they're super irritating.

John Hodgman

[1:07:37] Uh, TCM one or TCM two?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:40] TCM one, especially Wheelchair Kid.

[1:07:42] Wheelchair Kid.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:42] I think it's so brave about that movie is it made Wheelchair Kid the worst.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] I think it was Joe Bob Briggs who was saying that like never has an audience wanted a handicapped character to be murdered more than in that movie.

[1:07:53] Well, that's why that movie is art.

[1:07:55] Yeah.

[1:07:56] And that's why this movie is not.

[1:07:57] Like, so Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I remember the first time I saw that there's the scene where they wake up grandpa and he's going to they want him to use a hammer to bash that one's head in.

[1:08:07] Oh my God.

[1:08:08] And he just can't quite lift it up.

[1:08:09] And they're like, come on, grandpa.

[1:08:11] Come on, grandpa.

[1:08:11] And it's so frightening, disturbing, but it's kind of funny that.

[1:08:15] Yeah.

[1:08:16] But, and it was like that, that moment is what every moment of nothing but trouble wants to be.

[1:08:21] Right.

[1:08:21] But it can't pull it off.

[1:08:23] It's just not successful.

[1:08:24] Right.

[1:08:25] Yeah.

[1:08:26] And instead the movie becomes scarier for that.

[1:08:28] Like it's not as scary as Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[1:08:31] So it's scarier to me that somebody wanted to make this movie.

[1:08:33] Like this madman is on the loose selling vodka.

John Hodgman

[1:08:36] This is like in real life.

[1:08:37] There's a, there's a monster out there.

[1:08:40] There's a Canadian monster who's completely unpredictable and we don't know.

[1:08:44] We don't know what's motivating.

[1:08:46] And he's making us do things against our will.

[1:08:48] Like he held that cast against their will in that.

[1:08:52] And, and not just the cast, but the crew as well.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:54] And there are cast who, I mean, John Candy also delivers a great performance.

[1:08:59] Like he commits to what is, he had to have known it wasn't good.

[1:09:03] Right.

John Hodgman

[1:09:03] But that's because he could tap into his, his character, who I think is supposed to be the grandson of Dan Aykroyd, who's been the sheriff in town all this time.

[1:09:13] And he kind of takes pity on these people and kind of just wants to get them out of there.

[1:09:18] And that's because he was able to tap into his own feelings about the movie.

[1:09:21] Like, let me, let me just be straight with you.

[1:09:24] You don't want to be here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:26] When he's saying to Chevy Chase's character, like, look, I'm going to ignore the fact that you were speeding.

[1:09:31] You went through a stop sign.

[1:09:32] Let me just take you to the judge.

[1:09:34] I'll recommend you have a fine.

[1:09:35] Then you can go.

[1:09:36] And Chevy Chase talks himself into a death sentence.

[1:09:39] Right.

[1:09:39] But it's like John Candy saying to the audience, just let's just end the movie now.

[1:09:42] Yeah.

[1:09:42] Let's just.

[1:09:43] I'm going to, let's just figure it out.

[1:09:44] Right.

[1:09:45] Go.

[1:09:45] You probably got a couple of laughs.

John Hodgman

[1:09:46] I forgive you for buying the ticket.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:48] I know you paid $5 to see this.

[1:09:50] And then another four for popcorn.

[1:09:52] Take the popcorn home.

[1:09:53] Finish it there.

[1:09:54] Cut your losses.

[1:09:55] Cut your losses and get out.

[1:09:56] Look, it's 1991.

[1:09:57] It's Friday.

[1:09:58] Go watch TGIF.

[1:09:59] Right.

[1:09:59] There's a new Perfect Strangers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:00] Maybe full house.

[1:10:01] Put that, put that popcorn in the fridge.

[1:10:03] It'll be good tomorrow.

[1:10:04] Right.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:05] Sometimes I like it to do this.

[1:10:06] That's where you stir your popcorn, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:07] In the fridge.

[1:10:08] Yeah.

[1:10:08] It keeps it crisp.

[1:10:09] Just keep it in there.

[1:10:10] Put it in the crisper.

[1:10:12] That's what it's for.

[1:10:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:13] Popcorn crisper drawer.

[1:10:15] What is the science behind the crisper?

[1:10:17] Well, there's what we call crisp elves, which are tiny elves that make things crisper by

[1:10:23] adding little bits of cement.

John Hodgman

[1:10:24] Are they crisp elves or crisp imps?

[1:10:27] Crisp imps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:28] That's a question that science has really been debating for a long time.

[1:10:32] Well, I mean, crisp imp Glover is one of the main stories.

John Hodgman

[1:10:36] But what I'm saying is, if someone else had produced and directed this movie and just

[1:10:41] said, here's what happens.

[1:10:43] The creeps from the city are creeps and they need to be punished and your character has to

[1:10:47] be actually not funny but terrifying, Dan Aykroyd's performance, even if he just re-edited that

[1:10:54] movie, I bet you it would be totally watchable and weird performance.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:57] Because I don't necessarily.

[1:10:58] Because I thought he acted the heck out of that thing.

[1:11:02] I don't mind that any of our heroes are being put through the wringer.

[1:11:06] Like, they're not likable at all.

[1:11:08] I don't mind that they have to suffer a little.

[1:11:10] Right.

[1:11:10] I want to get Rob Zombie to go back and re-edit that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:15] Rob Zombie's nothing but trouble.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:18] It's such a crazy origin story if it turned out that this was his favorite movie growing

[1:11:22] up.

[1:11:23] Oh, everything makes sense about you now, Rob Zombie.

John Hodgman

[1:11:27] It's very, what are the, House of 10,000 Corpses?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:30] House of 10,000 Corpses and what's the one about the devils?

[1:11:33] The Devil's Rejects.

[1:11:34] Devil's Rejects.

[1:11:34] Yeah.

[1:11:35] Did you like those movies?

[1:11:36] I've never seen all of them all the way through.

[1:11:38] Like, I've only seen pieces.

[1:11:39] They're ridiculous but kind of great.

[1:11:41] And I haven't seen any of them since I've ever seen.

[1:11:42] Yeah, yeah.

[1:11:42] I like those movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:44] I like the Devil's Rejects up until the final scene, spoiler alert, where they feature a lot

[1:11:49] of people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:52] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:53] Sorry, I just do that sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:55] When I see these movies, it's going to be based around if I'm ever alone and Danielle's

[1:12:00] out of town.

[1:12:00] Because I know there's certain movies I can't even watch when I know she might walk through

[1:12:04] the room.

[1:12:04] Because I don't want to expose her to the images that she's going to see.

[1:12:09] If I'm watching it on the iPad while I'm doing the dishes, which is when I watch most

[1:12:12] of my movies these days, I know there's a chance she might walk over to get a glass

[1:12:15] of water and see something that she does not want to see.

[1:12:16] Oh, what you're watching there?

[1:12:18] What's that?

[1:12:18] Oh, is that one of those Devil Rejects?

John Hodgman

[1:12:20] It's just somebody's grandpa trying to hit someone with a hammer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:23] Is that Bill Moseley?

[1:12:25] I love that actor.

[1:12:26] Oh, are you watching a Sid Haig movie?

[1:12:27] What's Sid Haig up to nowadays?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:29] That's when you turn into an Irish cop.

[1:12:31] Move along.

[1:12:32] No, no, no, no.

[1:12:33] See you.

[1:12:34] See you.

[1:12:36] So should we go to Final Judgment?

[1:12:37] Yeah, we should go to Final Judgment.

[1:12:38] I liked it.

[1:12:39] Movie I kind of liked.

[1:12:40] Is this a movie, is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of

[1:12:44] liked?

[1:12:44] I'm going to start off and say that this may no longer be my least favorite movie of all

[1:12:51] time.

[1:12:52] I will say that because we've gone through so much in our years during the Flophouse that

[1:12:56] I've seen so many movies that bore me so much more than this movie.

[1:13:02] This movie, like, there's something, it has a quixotic charm to it.

[1:13:10] Yeah.

[1:13:10] Like, I'm just baffled by why anyone did it.

[1:13:13] That makes me kind of, it's kind of lovable in a weird way.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:16] I'm so glad that doing this podcast for eight and a half years has accomplished something.

[1:13:21] Yeah.

[1:13:21] You hate nothing but trouble slightly less.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:25] So that's my feelings on it.

[1:13:27] It's just such a weird movie that I kind of, it's kind of Stockholm Syndrome me a little

[1:13:31] bit.

[1:13:32] Did you give John our categories?

[1:13:35] Oh.

[1:13:36] Well, yeah.

[1:13:36] He just said them.

[1:13:37] I mean, good, bad movie.

[1:13:39] I know, yeah.

[1:13:40] Good, bad, bad.

[1:13:41] Bad, bad.

[1:13:42] I think that these are self-explanatory categories.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:44] I think you're humoring somebody who's drunk and wasn't paying attention.

[1:13:47] That's me, Stuart.

[1:13:49] You've been doing this for years, you shouldn't need to remind you.

[1:13:51] What was the third?

[1:13:52] So the categories are good, bad, bad, bad.

[1:13:54] And a movie you kind of like.

[1:13:55] And a movie you kind of like.

[1:13:57] So it's a movie that actually transcends the like, oh, I'm just watching this bad movie

[1:14:02] for fun, like irony.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:03] Where you're like, oh, I enjoyed this on a sincere level.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:05] But a good, bad movie is something that you're like, this is stupid.

[1:14:08] I'd watch this with friends and have some yucks.

[1:14:10] And bad, bad is just get it away.

[1:14:12] Yeah, get it away.

[1:14:13] Which, this movie is still a bad, bad movie.

[1:14:16] As a child, I would say that this is a good, great movie.

[1:14:19] I love this thing.

[1:14:21] As a grown up, I do not like it at all.

[1:14:23] It's terrible.

[1:14:23] Did you enjoy it as a child?

[1:14:25] Did you watch it as a child?

[1:14:26] I watched it a bunch as a child, I'm sure.

[1:14:28] And like, I think I like the like carnival aspect of it.

[1:14:32] And I'm, you know, I like horror movies a lot.

[1:14:34] So I think this, I'm the Rob Zombie in this story.

[1:14:39] One of us has to be.

John Hodgman

[1:14:40] I, you know, I really feel that it verges on bad, bad just because I've rarely been physically repulsed in a way.

[1:14:49] Like, well, not physically.

[1:14:51] You know, I've seen, I see gory movies.

[1:14:53] I see weird movies.

[1:14:54] Like I saw those Rob Zombie movies.

[1:14:56] Like that's some hard stuff to sit through.

[1:14:58] But I found it compelling.

[1:15:00] In this case, I found it mind-bendingly confusing as to what, why a human would ever think another human would even look at such a thing.

[1:15:08] It didn't sell, it didn't sell its imagery in any way.

[1:15:12] It didn't make it, didn't make it.

[1:15:13] And yet I have to say that I think that it was truly an expression of one individual's personal creativity.

[1:15:24] Wildly misguided.

[1:15:26] And a grotesque train wreck that I am glad to have seen after all of these years.

[1:15:34] So I don't want to say it's a good, bad movie.

[1:15:37] Like, hey, you put this on, you'll have a great time.

[1:15:40] But I am, I think I have to say that it's a bad, bad movie.

[1:15:44] But every now and then I think we need to see what a really bad, bad movie is to remind us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:50] It's a character building experience.

John Hodgman

[1:15:52] Yeah, it is.

[1:15:53] It's not boring.

[1:15:54] It's like, I agree with Dan.

[1:15:55] It's not boring.

[1:15:56] It's compellingly awful.

[1:15:59] Yeah.

[1:15:59] And there are many, many, many questions that it raises that I like thinking about.

[1:16:03] And now the question, like, could it have been good?

[1:16:05] And I think it could have been good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:08] And if people say nothing but trouble to you, you will think of things from this movie.

[1:16:13] Like, there are images that will haunt you, I would imagine.

[1:16:15] Oh, they never go away.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:16] Well, that's, like, I think I am with Dan only in that I don't, I didn't hate it as much as I did as a child.

[1:16:23] If only because I now have the emotional stability as an adult to be able to say, like, no, that is not the world that I live in.

[1:16:31] I recognize that this is a strange way of viewing things.

[1:16:34] As opposed to when I was a kid when I was like, I, like, I've seen these people in other movies and they're really funny.

[1:16:40] So if I think this is horrifying and not enjoyable, like, am I wrong here?

[1:16:45] Right.

[1:16:45] So it made you question your own sanity.

[1:16:47] Yeah.

[1:16:48] So it's a bad, bad movie.

[1:16:49] But by watching with you guys, I feel like I've exercised some of those demons a little bit.

[1:16:52] I think it's, we've all had some good therapy.

[1:16:55] And I don't know, I still don't know why as a kid I watched it so many times just because it was on.

[1:16:59] Right.

[1:16:59] But, like, there are certain scenes in this.

[1:17:02] There's a shot in the movie where Taylor Negron and his sister are just walking in a funny way into a parking garage.

[1:17:08] And, like, that moment was burned into my brain.

[1:17:11] And, like, there's so many random shots in this that I remember so well.

[1:17:14] And I'm like, okay, good.

[1:17:15] Now I can kind of lay them to rest a little bit, you know.

[1:17:18] I've delivered the mummified corpse of Mama's Baby Tour.

[1:17:23] And now maybe she'll leave my own children alone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:25] That's totally not going to happen.

[1:17:27] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:27] Spoiler alert in the end of Mama.

[1:17:29] That's the moment that happens.

[1:17:30] They're like, you want this right?

[1:17:31] And Mama's like, no.

[1:17:33] I don't want this garbage.

[1:17:34] I'm a live child.

[1:17:35] Football spike.

[1:17:36] I'm going to turn into a wig and crawl around the ground a little bit again.

[1:17:40] So, Dan, that sounds good, right?

[1:17:42] Yeah.

[1:17:43] Dan is busy adjusting a cat in some way.

[1:17:46] And so, Dan.

[1:17:48] I'm glad that we had some group therapy tonight.

[1:17:50] Yeah.

[1:17:50] I mean, this was very helpful for me.

John Hodgman

[1:17:51] You guys worked through a lot of stuff having seen this movie many times.

[1:17:55] And I've worked through something having never seen it before.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:58] Sorry.

[1:17:58] Archie somehow managed to get his cone off.

[1:18:01] And I had to put the cone back on.

[1:18:03] Archie got neutered recently.

[1:18:05] Archie's Dan's cat, not a human in the apartment.

[1:18:07] Not a human with a cone.

[1:18:09] This is it.

John Hodgman

[1:18:10] Oh, by the way, Dan keeps a number of humans.

[1:18:14] Prisoner in his home.

[1:18:15] And they make them wear cones.

[1:18:16] And he makes them go through Mr. Bone Stripper.

[1:18:20] Bone Stripper.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:21] What listeners may never have known is that Dan is a kind of gothic, grotesque justice of the peace in a tiny town known as Dan's apartment.

[1:18:30] Dan-sylvania.

[1:18:31] Dan-sylvania.

[1:18:32] You're inviting some terrible fan art.

[1:18:34] Oh, yeah.

[1:18:35] I don't want that.

[1:18:36] Yeah, Dan, get rid of a picture of you as the – this is one of the few movies where I feel like I've never seen an image of it online.

[1:18:43] And there's a reason for that because they're horrifying to look at.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:46] Yeah, it's not like you go to Comic-Con and you're like, oh, look at all this great nothing but trouble cosplay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:52] Oh, it's Little Devil.

John Hodgman

[1:18:53] That would be amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:57] Little Devil.

[1:18:58] Is it called as Bobo and Little Devil?

John Hodgman

[1:18:59] Bobo and Little Devil.

[1:19:01] It's Little Devil.

[1:19:03] Little Devil.

[1:19:03] I looked in the credits.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:07] I now have a cat in my lap.

[1:19:09] Before I mentioned cat is luped up into my –

[1:19:12] Luped up?

[1:19:13] Luped up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:14] Luped up.

[1:19:15] Yep.

[1:19:15] That's the sound a heart makes.

[1:19:17] Luped up, luped up, luped up.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:20] Why am I laughing?

[1:19:22] I was as surprised as you were.

[1:19:24] I urge you not to skip ahead on your podcast machine even though we're going to take a little moment to ask you for some money.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:33] Yeah, yeah.

[1:19:34] We're going to shake you.

[1:19:36] Hopefully some money will fall out.

[1:19:37] Yeah.

[1:19:38] Land in the MaxFun coffers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:39] Now, everyone has money that they use to buy lunch during the school day.

[1:19:43] We want you to give us your lunch money in exchange normally for nothing, in exchange normally for not being beaten.

[1:19:48] Yeah.

[1:19:49] For this case, it's in exchange for high-quality audio entertainment.

John Hodgman

[1:19:52] We'll keep the other bully podcasts away from you.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:57] It's cool.

[1:19:58] It's cool.

[1:19:58] He plays.

[1:20:00] Yeah, I mean, if you're anything like me, you –

[1:20:04] You have a neutered cat in your lap.

[1:20:06] That you're massaging your glands of.

[1:20:09] That I'm desperately trying to keep from leaping across into my co-host's allergic face.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:19] Because much like a ghost to Dan Aykroyd, Archie wants nothing more than to shove his face in my lap.

[1:20:26] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:27] And me being allergic, I don't like that.

[1:20:29] There's so many episodes now where I've had to maintain focus on what I'm saying while I'm shoving a cat out of my lap.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:34] Yeah.

[1:20:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:35] And I've had to talk while playing with a cat with some kind of a colored string toy.

[1:20:39] Yeah, that's a big cross to Bear.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:42] No, what I was going to say is if you're anything like me, podcasts are actually a pretty major source of entertainment in your life.

[1:20:49] I listen to them more often than not when I'm commuting.

[1:20:53] I listen to them when I'm walking around in the city.

[1:20:56] Doing chores probably.

[1:20:57] Yeah.

[1:20:58] Fashioning new cat cones.

[1:20:59] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:01] In the dark of the night when you're keeping the demons at bay.

[1:21:04] I'm just saying –

[1:21:04] I need some other voice to drown out the one in my head.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:07] They're a source of entertainment for me that –

[1:21:08] But not just entertainment.

John Hodgman

[1:21:10] Information.

[1:21:11] Mm-hmm.

[1:21:12] Companionship.

[1:21:13] Companionship.

[1:21:14] Comfort in the dark.

[1:21:15] Mm-hmm.

[1:21:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:15] I want to know some digital underground facts.

[1:21:18] I will go to John Hodgman.

[1:21:20] Look, let me just – I'm going to break it down for you guys, and maybe this is a little too harsh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:24] Ultimately, we're all alone in the universe.

[1:21:26] Okay.

[1:21:27] Okay.

[1:21:27] No one will ever be inside our head with it.

[1:21:28] Let's see where you're going with this.

[1:21:29] And nobody will ever touch our soul.

[1:21:32] We can have the closest possible thing to that when we form the intimate connection that comes with listening.

[1:21:39] Where better to listen than from a collection of talented and intelligent and articulate individuals known as the Maximum Fun Network.

[1:21:47] Mm-hmm.

[1:21:47] If you want to feel a little bit less like one star in a vast expanse of darkness, donate.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:54] I'm just saying that I get more enjoyment and entertainment out of podcasts than I do out of many services that I pay money for.

[1:22:04] Whoa.

[1:22:05] Like what?

[1:22:06] Erotic massage?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:09] Like, it didn't say happy ending, but it was strongly implied in the advertisement.

[1:22:14] What's the one where they oil up and then they rub their whole body on you?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:17] I'm not saying I get more entertainment out of podcasts than I get from erotic massage.

[1:22:20] That would be madness.

[1:22:22] Right.

John Hodgman

[1:22:22] Well, I think we've all established that podcasting is worth more than erotic massage.

[1:22:26] Question is, how much money are you going to spend for us to give you a happy ending on this podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:32] That would be so weird if that ended with us just narrating a happy ending for the audience.

[1:22:38] So let's not do that.

[1:22:39] But what do you get if, say, we mentioned there's a $5 entry barrier.

John Hodgman

[1:22:42] Right.

[1:22:42] So $5 a month, you get access to all the exclusive bonus members-only content that MaxFun offers.

[1:22:49] This is literally hundreds of hours of special shows.

[1:22:52] That the Flophouse is recorded.

[1:22:54] That other podcasts like Judge Sean Hodgman and all the other podcasts that you love at Maximum Fun have recorded just for donors.

[1:23:01] And not only do you get this year's bonus content, but all of the previous year's bonus content.

[1:23:05] It's tons of fun for you.

[1:23:07] It's a ton of great stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:08] It's a ton of great stuff.

[1:23:09] I can specifically say that we did two live shows this year already at the Bell House, two sellout shows.

[1:23:17] One of them is going to show up in your regular feed at some point.

[1:23:21] But if you want to hear what we thought about the Entourage movie, the only way to do that is to donate to MaxFun at the $5 a month or better level.

[1:23:32] Because then you will get the bonus episode where we talk about Entourage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:36] The only other alternative would be to kidnap us, make us watch it again, and then have us talk about it.

John Hodgman

[1:23:40] Yeah.

[1:23:41] That's right.

[1:23:41] If you're Dan Aykroyd, you probably could send agents to kidnap all of us and bring us to your weird Canadian mansion.

[1:23:49] Full of ghosts and skulls.

[1:23:51] Fly us with a crystal head vodka and make us do it, or make you guys do it again and me for the first time.

[1:23:58] I hope I get kidnapped with you, by the way.

[1:23:59] That would be good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:00] That's one of the many things that I wish, one of the many reasons why I wish I was the producer in charge of MTV's Cribs,

[1:24:06] because I would totally be going to Dan Aykroyd's crib.

[1:24:08] Right.

[1:24:09] Today on Cribs, Peter Weller.

[1:24:11] I'm assuming it's all Scarface memorabilia.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:13] It's a lot of motorcycles.

[1:24:14] What's it like at Jeffrey Combs' house?

[1:24:17] We decided to find out.

John Hodgman

[1:24:20] Yeah, but Dan, you mentioned an important thing.

[1:24:22] Today on Cribs, Brian Usner.

[1:24:26] Dan, you mentioned an important thing, which is these thank you gifts that you get are cumulative.

[1:24:32] That's true.

[1:24:33] Let's say you give at the $10 per month level, you'll get the chance to choose a bandana,

[1:24:39] one of 22 bandanas, each one designed specifically for each of the shows at Maximum Fun.

[1:24:44] They're very sharp indeed, but again, not cutting sharp, just good-looking sharp.

[1:24:48] Yeah, absolutely.

[1:24:49] And you would also get all the bonus content.

[1:24:51] And if you go up again, and now I'm turning a page.

[1:24:53] What's the next?

[1:24:54] A little behind-the-scenes broadcasting magic.

[1:24:55] What's the name of the next level, John?

[1:24:57] That's the MaxFun Adventure Necessity Collection.

[1:25:01] At $20 a month, you're going to get a multi-tool, like a Swiss Army knife.

[1:25:07] Okay.

[1:25:07] Right?

[1:25:08] With the MaxFun logo, hot chocolate packet, a paracord bracelet, and camping toilet paper.

[1:25:13] You get toilet paper.

[1:25:14] So like camping supplies.

[1:25:16] Yeah.

[1:25:16] If you're trapped in the woods.

[1:25:18] If you're trapped in the woods.

[1:25:19] That's why people get trapped in the woods often.

[1:25:20] Why people get lost in the woods?

[1:25:22] Well, the theme of all of these is adventure.

[1:25:25] I got locked into the woods.

[1:25:26] Because podcasting is the adventure of the mind.

[1:25:30] Yeah.

[1:25:30] That's what it was.

[1:25:32] So, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:32] And audiobooks are movies for your mind.

[1:25:34] Right.

[1:25:34] As we know.

John Hodgman

[1:25:35] And let's say you have a little bit extra money to spend.

[1:25:39] Maybe you're one of these characters from, maybe one of these heroes from this movie we just saw.

[1:25:45] This do-nothing lawyer and this do-nothing rip-off artist stock tip.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:49] You already bought your car phone and your GPS and your Beetlejuice patterned couch.

[1:25:54] Right.

John Hodgman

[1:25:54] And you still have $35 a month left over that you want to throw over to Maximum Fun.

[1:25:59] Well, guess what?

[1:26:00] You get a vacuum thermos with the Maximum Fun logo on it.

[1:26:04] Plus the adventure kit.

[1:26:05] Plus all of the bandana.

[1:26:07] Plus everything else.

[1:26:08] The bonus content.

[1:26:09] And if you send in, if you email to me at hodgman at maximumfun.org your receipt,

[1:26:14] I will mispronounce your name on Instagram and Tumblr and Twitter.

[1:26:18] All my social medias.

[1:26:19] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:20] That's great.

[1:26:21] That's not even an official.

[1:26:23] No.

[1:26:23] That's just extra.

[1:26:24] That's extra.

[1:26:25] Hodgman enthusiasm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:26] And I don't think you haven't mentioned this part,

[1:26:27] but when you show up to work with that thermos,

[1:26:30] everyone else will be super jealous of you.

[1:26:33] Yeah.

[1:26:34] Yeah.

[1:26:34] For how warm your liquids are.

[1:26:36] Or cold.

John Hodgman

[1:26:38] And it's such a, it's a stab.

[1:26:39] It's a good point.

[1:26:40] Thermoses are, oh, they go both ways.

[1:26:43] That's all I'm saying.

[1:26:43] That's all I've ever been saying.

[1:26:46] They're bifunctional.

[1:26:47] They're bithermis.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:49] Yeah.

[1:26:50] And look, it's just, I think it's, it bears repeating again that.

[1:26:55] Bears.

[1:26:56] Not really.

[1:26:57] That podcasting may be sort of a newer sort of entertainment stream in your life,

[1:27:05] but it's one that I think that we all have sort of come to really rely on and really enjoy.

[1:27:11] And if you feel like it's something of worth to you, why not, you know, throw some money at it?

[1:27:16] Why not show that worth by supporting it, supporting art that you like?

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:21] There's been a lot of talk over the past 15 to 20 years about this kind of free economy and how information wants to be free.

[1:27:27] That's total bullshit.

[1:27:29] Information wants money.

[1:27:31] So...

Dan McCoy

[1:27:31] Information being us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:33] We want money.

[1:27:34] Well, like, it's using information broadly as content of any kind.

John Hodgman

[1:27:37] May I dare say, though, that Maximum Fund does not want money.

[1:27:41] It requires money to continue to bring these podcasts to you.

[1:27:44] Yes.

[1:27:44] That there is a substantial amount of overhead that even the occasional sponsorship does not entirely cover.

[1:27:52] It's not our desire to come to you and ask for money.

[1:27:56] But I do think that you, obviously, you guys have a real community with your fans.

[1:28:03] We at the Judge John Hodgman Podcast have a community with our fans, and I think there's a lot of overlap.

[1:28:07] And in general, Maximum Fund feels like a big, large family.

[1:28:10] There is a sense of communal ownership over these shows, and now is the time when we have to come to you and say,

[1:28:17] if you like what we do, we hope that you'll support us, because otherwise the lights will go out and the podcast will go dark.

[1:28:24] And, oh, we just ran out of money, guys.

[1:28:27] Sorry.

[1:28:27] We have to...

[1:28:27] Oh, God.

[1:28:28] Sorry.

[1:28:29] That's it.

[1:28:30] Never mind.

[1:28:30] Nintendo.

[1:28:31] It was that one person, Joe, in Altoona, Pennsylvania.

[1:28:35] Your hand was hovering over the donate button, and you decided not to do that.

[1:28:39] We needed you then.

[1:28:40] Oh, man, Joe.

[1:28:41] So, sorry.

[1:28:41] Yeah.

[1:28:42] You make a good point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:42] Which makes a good point, which is you should do it right now.

[1:28:44] Yes.

[1:28:45] Right immediately, so you don't forget.

[1:28:46] Right.

[1:28:47] Pause this right now, or just let it keep playing.

[1:28:48] I don't know.

[1:28:49] And go to...

[1:28:50] Open another window.

[1:28:51] Go to maximumfund.org slash donate.

[1:28:54] Maximumfund.org slash donate.

[1:28:57] And just do it right now before you forget.

[1:28:59] Yeah.

[1:28:59] Do it right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:00] They don't need that much information, just your credit card information.

[1:29:03] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:04] And the money goes directly to the podcast that you listen to.

[1:29:06] You get to select...

[1:29:07] You select the podcast called The Flophouse.

[1:29:10] Or Judge Sean Hodgman.

[1:29:12] Or Judge Sean Hodgman.

[1:29:13] Add with The Flophouse.

[1:29:14] And then the money goes to there, with some of the amount of it going to maximum funds,

[1:29:19] general operating costs.

[1:29:21] But the vast majority of the donations...

John Hodgman

[1:29:23] And there's a small 45% processing fee that goes to me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:28] A small 45%.

[1:29:30] It's less than a majority.

John Hodgman

[1:29:31] No, a portion of it goes to the network as a whole.

[1:29:35] But the larger portion of it goes directly to the podcast that you choose to tick off as your favorite as you make your donations.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:42] And if you're already a donor, consider the fact that there's a bunch of new shows out there that we've just launched this year that might want your support as well.

[1:29:50] Yeah.

[1:29:51] So you could increase your donation.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:52] Yeah.

[1:29:53] You can become a new donor.

[1:29:54] You can become an upgrading donor if you're a current donor.

John Hodgman

[1:29:56] And you can upgrade.

[1:29:57] You can give $100 a month.

[1:29:58] $200 a month will get you automatic registration at MaxFunCon.

[1:30:03] Yeah.

[1:30:03] If you're a Brazilian.

[1:30:04] At Lake Arrowhead.

[1:30:05] If you're one of those Brazilianaires.

[1:30:06] Oh, famous.

[1:30:07] You don't have to tell me what that means.

[1:30:09] And you've been to MaxFunCon.

[1:30:13] I have been to MaxFunCon.

[1:30:15] It's a good time, right?

[1:30:16] It's an incredibly good time.

[1:30:17] Have you guys not been to MaxFunCon?

[1:30:18] MaxFunCon?

[1:30:19] No, we've never been.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:20] I think.

[1:30:21] Can we say this?

[1:30:23] I don't know.

[1:30:23] I don't know if you can say anything, Dan.

[1:30:25] Why don't you keep your trap shut?

[1:30:26] All right.

[1:30:27] I'm not saying anything.

John Hodgman

[1:30:29] We'll talk more about that later.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:31] But look, we come to you.

John Hodgman

[1:30:33] MaxFunCon is a great time.

[1:30:34] That's all.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:34] We come to you once a year asking this, which is all the more important that you, if you're

[1:30:39] interested in donating, you do it while you're thinking of it.

[1:30:41] Do it now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:42] That's how we were able to lure Judge John Hodgman into our layer of deceit and sexual

[1:30:48] selection.

[1:30:49] Yeah.

John Hodgman

[1:30:49] That one piece of Popeye's chicken didn't cost nothing.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:53] It certainly did.

John Hodgman

[1:30:55] Yeah.

[1:30:55] I just realized.

[1:30:56] The best in the business.

[1:30:57] I'm not getting my money's worth here.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:00] But the point is, go to MaximumFun.org forward slash donate.

[1:31:06] We really appreciate it.

[1:31:07] We appreciate the support.

[1:31:09] Again, the money goes to the entertainment that you like and you choose.

[1:31:14] And keeps it going.

[1:31:15] And keeps it going.

[1:31:16] So that will continue.

John Hodgman

[1:31:17] Yeah.

[1:31:17] And you will feel good.

[1:31:19] Instead of like a terrible creep who steals.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:23] That's what you are now.

[1:31:25] Well, it'll give you that sense of superiority next year when the pledge drive comes along

[1:31:29] and you're like, hmm, I already support.

[1:31:31] Yeah.

[1:31:31] The same way that whenever I see someone from a charity I already donate to on the sidewalk

[1:31:35] and they go, excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about this?

[1:31:38] I go, I don't have to.

[1:31:39] And I keep walking.

[1:31:40] I already donate to your charity.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:41] Then you fall onto a conveyor belt and ride right through Mr. Bone Stripper.

[1:31:46] Mr. Bone Stripper.

[1:31:48] Mr. Bone Stripper is my fault.

[1:31:49] I like to believe that.

[1:31:50] It's a joke we made earlier.

[1:31:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:51] For the foreign release of this movie, they changed the image to say like, Senor Bone Stripper

[1:31:56] or like, Monsieur Bone Stripper.

[1:31:58] Monsieur Bone Stripper.

[1:31:59] Bone Stripper son.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:01] Yeah, for the collectible cards.

[1:32:04] Hair bone stripper.

[1:32:09] Donate, please.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:10] Donate.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:11] Donate.

[1:32:11] Okay, what's the next part of this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:32:12] The next part of the podcast is where we take a few moments to answer letters from listeners.

[1:32:19] Oh, man.

[1:32:20] You need to.

[1:32:20] Yeah, I'm going to get a little refresher.

[1:32:22] Mr. John Hodgman is going to go get another.

John Hodgman

[1:32:26] I just realized I got to get more than my piece of chicken.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:29] That reminds me while he's getting up that we might want to take a few moments right now.

[1:32:35] Take a few moments, the three or four of us, to listen to the letters.

[1:32:41] To think about them and really give a good reply.

[1:32:45] Maybe something that might change some lives.

[1:32:48] Maybe something that'll get us high fives when we meet the writer of the letter in person.

[1:32:55] In person.

[1:32:58] Are you saying there's a chance that I could meet the flop house?

[1:33:03] Probably not.

[1:33:03] Well, Stuart, yes, because he works in a public place.

[1:33:08] Dan's got a lot of time on his hands and he'll probably be there too.

[1:33:12] But Elliot's kind of a mysterious sort.

[1:33:15] A recluse, they say.

[1:33:17] Back in his lair.

[1:33:18] Unable to leave.

[1:33:20] He hates the sunlight.

[1:33:22] Hates the light of the moon.

[1:33:24] Light of any kind.

[1:33:25] Natural air.

[1:33:27] The laughter.

[1:33:28] The smiles.

[1:33:28] It strikes him like spikes and like poison.

[1:33:32] Don't expect to meet him.

[1:33:34] But Stuart and Dan.

[1:33:35] Sure, why not?

[1:33:36] And you'll tell him.

[1:33:37] Bring it back.

[1:33:38] Thanks for reading my letter.

[1:33:41] On the flop house.

[1:33:42] Tonight.

[1:33:44] This letter song was brought to you by me wasting time.

[1:33:47] That's how it works.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:49] That's how it works.

[1:33:53] So.

[1:33:55] Oh, Dan's all ready.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:57] Should I sing some more?

[1:33:58] Were you not prepared?

Dan McCoy

[1:33:59] No, I just got a message.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:01] Dan getting over the orgasm from my song.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:05] I just got a message that people are literally scared that this is the last flop house because of that offhand remark you said one time that when we did nothing but trouble will be the last flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:16] No, that was just a joke because I hate the movie.

[1:34:18] This is not the last flop house.

[1:34:20] If anything, it's the beginning of a new era in which we won't do the show anymore.

[1:34:24] Just kidding.

[1:34:26] We'll keep doing it.

[1:34:27] Maximumfun.org.

[1:34:28] Slash donate.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:29] Yeah, we're friends IRL, right?

[1:34:31] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:32] We are friends.

[1:34:33] We're friends IRL.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:34] So, Dan, do we have some letters or should I sing another song for reals?

[1:34:37] No, I got it.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:39] So, this first letter is a very well-timed letter, let's say that.

[1:34:46] Dear Floppers, nothing but trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:48] Are you going to watch it?

[1:34:48] Yes.

[1:34:49] Thanks for the love.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:50] It's from Chris Lasting with Held who writes.

[1:34:52] Okay, I'm back.

[1:34:53] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:54] Hang on before you read the letter.

John Hodgman

[1:34:56] I just wanted to say, what did I miss is the name of a song from the popular musical Hamilton.

[1:35:07] But it also describes the question I have.

[1:35:10] Because I was in the kitchen when something happened.

[1:35:13] Did someone sing a song?

[1:35:15] I hope I didn't miss a song.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:22] Run song to song.

[1:35:23] It counts.

[1:35:23] The abrupt ending.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:26] Did somebody say that they missed the song?

[1:35:31] It seems I've been awakened from my ancient slumber to sing another number about letters and writing and writing and letters from us to you, from you to us, from them to them, from all to all.

John Hodgman

[1:35:47] But, Elliot, do I actually have to write a letter to a stranger?

[1:35:50] I don't want to do it.

[1:35:51] I have problems with expressing myself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:53] That's understandable and something we might need to work on.

[1:35:57] You're a great guy.

[1:35:59] You should be confident in your abilities.

[1:36:02] But no, because the strangers have written to us.

[1:36:06] They're strangers, but there's no dangers.

[1:36:09] Because it's through a letter.

[1:36:11] Unless they figured out some way to kill with words.

[1:36:14] Probably not.

[1:36:16] And so let's read this letter from Chris.

[1:36:18] Last name withheld.

[1:36:20] Dan said it was timely, but why?

[1:36:22] But how?

[1:36:23] We'll get the answers to those questions when the song comes to its end.

[1:36:28] Eh.

[1:36:29] End.

[1:36:32] Right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:34] Good tease, Elliot.

[1:36:36] So it goes like this.

[1:36:38] Now that the great movie argument of our time, Ding Dong Gate, has been settled, I turn your

[1:36:42] attention to the second greatest scene in the history of cinema.

[1:36:45] I speak, of course, of the scene in Ghostbusters where that ghost gives Dan Aykroyd a blowjob

[1:36:49] in his dream.

[1:36:50] Never heard of it.

[1:36:52] Dan Aykroyd?

[1:36:54] Is he related to Peter Aykroyd?

[1:36:56] While most people's attention is focused on the weird cross-eyed face that Ray makes in

[1:37:00] the throes of sexual satisfaction.

[1:37:01] Yep.

[1:37:01] What happens next is where the questions arise.

[1:37:04] Namely, he falls out of bed.

[1:37:06] It should be taken as read that Ray has an erection in his dream.

[1:37:09] However, one can then safely assume that there's a good chance that Ray in real life has an

[1:37:13] erection as well.

[1:37:15] Thus...

[1:37:15] Okay.

[1:37:16] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:16] Rex danger.

[1:37:18] Erection detective is on the case.

[1:37:21] Thus...

[1:37:22] E-Rex danger.

[1:37:23] E-Rex danger.

John Hodgman

[1:37:26] The question...

[1:37:27] The E is short for erection.

[1:37:29] Yeah.

[1:37:29] My first name is erection.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:31] That's when he walked into my office.

[1:37:33] He had a single gam that went all the way up.

[1:37:36] I mean his penis.

[1:37:38] He laid it on the desk and I took a look at the case.

[1:37:42] It's a nice penis you got there.

[1:37:44] That's true, Mr. Danger.

[1:37:45] Too nice.

John Hodgman

[1:37:46] That dude had...

[1:37:46] Someone's trying to steal it.

[1:37:47] That dude had third leg that went for miles.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:51] The question...

[1:37:53] The question that arises is simple.

[1:37:55] The case of the purloined penis.

[1:37:58] Did Ray fall on his erect penis when he fell out of bed?

[1:38:02] Did he then break his penis?

[1:38:03] Are we to assume that for the rest of the movie, Ray is trying to fight ghosts and save New York while also dealing with a broken penis?

[1:38:09] Is there anything in Dan Aykroyd's performance that indicates that he is trying to subtly indicate that yes, Raymond Stantz had a broken penis?

[1:38:17] Thanks for your insight.

[1:38:17] If anyone can settle this matter, it's you, Chris, last name withheld.

John Hodgman

[1:38:20] As someone who has fallen out of bed with an erection many a time, you can't break your penis that way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:26] No, what probably happened is that it got stuck in the ground with like a boing noise and he like quivered back and forth a little bit.

[1:38:33] Yeah.

John Hodgman

[1:38:34] He probably had it removed and put on his nose.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:38] As evidenced by the film.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:40] Yeah, I imagine there was probably a discarded subplot where Ray broke his penis in half and he had to go on a quest to find a suitable second half of his penis.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:49] Well, the ghost of his now broken penis became like a little character that was his mascot.

[1:38:54] Uh-huh.

[1:38:54] And I think over time that-

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:56] It's one of the many sausages that Slimer accidentally eats.

[1:38:59] If that scene accidentally eats-

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:02] Yeah, not accidentally.

[1:39:04] Like Slimer was yawning and his hand, I guess, was on its own accord, just threw sausages in.

John Hodgman

[1:39:13] If that scene were just removed from the movie forever-

[1:39:16] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:17] It would be a better-

[1:39:17] Would there be an uproar?

John Hodgman

[1:39:18] I mean, I guess there would be because there's so many weird creep dudes who hate the new Ghostbusters because they're ladies.

[1:39:25] So it's like, how dare you take out my blowjob scene?

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:27] You're talking about our listener base, sir.

[1:39:29] But this is-

[1:39:30] Well, I love you guys too, but come on.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:33] This would be more like a special edition, like when they replaced an E.T. where they took the guns out and put walkie-talkies in.

[1:39:40] So you're saying they have a walkie-talkie in place of his penis?

[1:39:43] Yeah, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:43] So the ghost is just calling somebody?

[1:39:45] Yeah, he's getting a blowjob from a wrong toe.

[1:39:47] He's saying, who are you going to call?

[1:39:48] You.

[1:39:49] For a do-back?

[1:39:50] They put a more animated do-back in place of his penis.

[1:39:55] There's a bunch of little robots flying around for no reason.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:58] I actually had to-

John Hodgman

[1:39:59] Ray, my boogie.

[1:40:01] I had to think for a second about what a ronto was.

[1:40:05] It just really made me so happy that I had forgotten.

[1:40:11] That's a valuable thing to do.

[1:40:12] I finally have escaped the gravitational pull of that movie, and I don't need to know about it anymore.

[1:40:18] No, it's good.

[1:40:18] You helped me.

[1:40:19] I've clearly moved on in my life.

[1:40:22] Thank you, Stuart.

[1:40:23] That's his name, right, Stuart?

[1:40:24] Yes.

[1:40:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:25] Close enough.

[1:40:26] None created.

[1:40:29] Next letter, Dan.

[1:40:30] Sure.

[1:40:30] We've got to move along.

[1:40:31] Someone was spending a lot of time earlier.

[1:40:33] This is from-

[1:40:34] It was me.

John Hodgman

[1:40:35] Time to move along.

[1:40:36] You've got to read all those letters.

[1:40:39] They are only getting better.

[1:40:41] This is the second one now.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:43] We're going to have to pay money to Paul Williams.

[1:40:45] That tune.

[1:40:47] This is from Steve, last name withheld, who writes, I'm at work right now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:52] It says, dear flobbers, do you watch Family Feud?

[1:40:54] Please do.

[1:40:55] I host it.

[1:40:57] Sorry about that Miss Universe thing.

[1:40:59] What do you think of my suits?

[1:41:00] What do you think of my suits?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:01] They're great, Steve.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:03] Right enough?

[1:41:03] Enough buttons?

[1:41:04] Let me know.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:05] I'm at work right now watching Sphere.

[1:41:07] That's not my job, fortunately.

[1:41:09] Spoiler alert.

[1:41:10] But I think Queen Latifah is getting murdered by a jellyfish.

[1:41:12] It's not good.

[1:41:13] I forgot she was in that movie.

[1:41:14] Anyway, I've been listening to some old episodes and hearing the old Squarespace plugs.

[1:41:19] I've noticed at least three episodes where you've mentioned the Getty Images plug-in,

[1:41:23] at which time Elliot makes a joke about images of Estelle Getty.

[1:41:26] This leads me to believe that Elliot is not funny, or at least needs inspiration.

[1:41:31] Whoa, whoa.

[1:41:32] Here are other hilarious Getty's he can-

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:33] Yeah, because you know what doesn't make things funny?

[1:41:36] Doing them more than once.

[1:41:37] That's never been a funny thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:39] Here are other hilarious Getty's he can crack jokes about.

John Hodgman

[1:41:41] He's going to punch up your Getty jokes.

[1:41:43] This is unacceptable.

[1:41:45] No, I'll allow it.

[1:41:46] I'd like to hear what he has to say.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:48] Oil industrious J. Paul Getty.

[1:41:50] No.

[1:41:51] Also lends itself to other humorous references, including the Getty Conservation Institute and

[1:41:54] Getty Foundation.

[1:41:55] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

John Hodgman

[1:41:57] Humorous references?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:59] Ringside frontman and young gun star-

[1:42:02] Balthazar Getty.

[1:42:04] That's acceptable, yeah.

[1:42:05] Because Balthazar is a funny name.

[1:42:07] He's related to J. Paul Getty.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:09] I thought he was the star of Lost Highway.

[1:42:10] That's a bigger-

Dan McCoy

[1:42:11] Rush frontman Getty Lee.

[1:42:14] Canadian politician Don Getty.

[1:42:16] But he spells Getty Lee correctly.

[1:42:18] Yeah.

[1:42:19] Gettysburg.

[1:42:20] Either the battle or address.

[1:42:21] No.

[1:42:22] On the nose.

[1:42:23] Too much respect for the men who gave their lives.

[1:42:24] For the North.

[1:42:25] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:26] Not for the South.

John Hodgman

[1:42:27] And it's on the penis nose, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:29] Getty.js.

[1:42:31] The hilarious full-stack open-source MVC framework.

[1:42:34] Don't know what any of those words were.

[1:42:36] That's a great joke.

[1:42:37] I love that one.

[1:42:38] I look forward to the new and riotous Getty references in future podcasts.

[1:42:41] Best Steve.

[1:42:41] Last name withheld.

[1:42:42] P.S.

[1:42:42] Queen Latifah died.

[1:42:43] I just enjoyed a close-up shot of Dustin Hoffman pulling slimy tentacles out of her nostril.

[1:42:48] This movie blows.

[1:42:49] So I guess that's-

John Hodgman

[1:42:50] What's his first name?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:52] It's Steve.

[1:42:53] And his last name?

[1:42:55] We don't have it here.

John Hodgman

[1:42:56] Withheld.

[1:42:56] Getty, right?

[1:42:57] Yeah.

[1:42:59] Steve Getty.

[1:43:00] Thanks for your submission of your packet.

[1:43:06] We'll keep you on file.

[1:43:08] We'll keep you on file.

[1:43:10] We'll keep you on-

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:11] It's like a disease.

[1:43:12] Yeah.

[1:43:12] It's hard to turn it off.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:13] Yeah.

[1:43:14] Because it's so much fun to make up songs.

[1:43:18] And write wrongs.

[1:43:18] Are you trying to set us up for a song?

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:20] I don't know.

[1:43:21] It could be.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:22] I appreciate the burn on Elliot, but we've got time for just one more letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:26] Is it-

[1:43:27] If it's the last time we had time for just one more letter, it involved crying, having boobs.

[1:43:32] There's nothing-

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:33] Or it was like, Dan's the best flopper.

[1:43:35] I love him the most.

[1:43:37] Signed, man to boy.

[1:43:38] Love Stan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:38] Signed, not a different Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:42] There's neither anything about me nor anything overtly sexual about this last letter.

[1:43:46] Okay.

[1:43:47] So this letter goes like this.

[1:43:49] Sexual.

[1:43:50] I know.

[1:43:51] I was-

[1:43:52] Sex 12.

[1:43:52] I was hoping.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:54] Hoping?

[1:43:55] I was hoping you weren't noticing.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:58] I was hoping that you would be having some sexual feelings.

[1:44:03] When you've got that feeling.

[1:44:06] And sexual healing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:08] Need some sexual healing.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:12] So this letter goes like this.

[1:44:15] Since you talked about Bazooka Joe strips in your Aloha episode, I'm taking this as a signal

[1:44:19] that you've finally decided to switch from being a bad movie podcast to instead revolving

[1:44:23] around comic strips.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:25] Isn't it weird that in the 30s a bunch of strips were released that were still around

Dan McCoy

[1:44:28] today but have nothing to do with their original focus?

[1:44:30] That is weird.

[1:44:31] Thimble Theater became all about the irascible sailor Popeye rather than focusing on Castor

[1:44:36] Oil, the terrible brother of Olive.

[1:44:38] Or Thimbles.

[1:44:39] Fritzie Ritz would change for the better once Fritzie accepted her lovable niece Nancy.

[1:44:44] And obviously things shifted for the worst once Blondie finally settled down from her wild

[1:44:49] flapper days and married Dagwood.

[1:44:51] Also how Snuffy Smith just took over Barney Goo.

[1:44:54] Yeah, that's true.

[1:44:54] I was hoping-

[1:44:55] With his goo-goo-googly eyes.

[1:44:55] I was hoping one of us would bring that up and I am not surprised it was you.

[1:45:02] What twist would you like to see in other comic strips?

[1:45:05] Would Dennis the Menace finally kill Mr. Wilson and realize the futility of his menacing

[1:45:08] ways?

[1:45:09] Would Dilbert finally get filed-

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:11] And then it becomes an Oz-type prison strip?

Dan McCoy

[1:45:14] Would Dilbert finally get fired for sexually harassing Alice?

[1:45:18] Making jokes around bad movies is great and all but I think this new comic strip focus

[1:45:22] will make the podcast more successful than ever.

[1:45:25] Flip-takingly yours, the kid from Foxtrot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:27] Well, which kid?

[1:45:29] There's three kids in Foxtrot.

[1:45:30] There's the two boys and the girl.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:32] Yeah, but I think-

[1:45:33] The younger one?

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:34] Yeah, Jason Fox.

John Hodgman

[1:45:35] The star of the Bill Amond cartoon.

[1:45:37] So, wait, there was a question.

[1:45:39] Was there a question?

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:40] Were we given a question there?

John Hodgman

[1:45:41] It was basically saying, what are you guys wasting time making fun of movies for when

[1:45:44] there is this antique art form that no one cares about?

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:47] And they're like twists in-

John Hodgman

[1:45:48] Or I should say this other antique art form that no one cares about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:52] Yeah.

[1:45:52] If it's not YouTube, nobody cares about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:53] So, there was the great twist that I wish had been kept with was that one week of Garfield

[1:45:58] strips where he wakes up and the house is empty and there's cobwebs everywhere.

[1:46:03] And the implication, I guess, is that the rest of the strips were all a dream during his

[1:46:07] last moments before he died.

[1:46:09] Because at the end, he's wandering around and John is gone and Odie is gone.

[1:46:12] Like, nobody's lived in this house for years.

[1:46:14] And he's like, there are captions that are like, think back, back to the better times,

[1:46:18] back, back.

[1:46:19] And the last-

[1:46:19] This is a thing that happened?

[1:46:20] Yeah.

[1:46:21] It's a five-day storyline.

[1:46:22] And the last panel, the last day is he's back with John and Odie.

[1:46:25] And I think the intention was that those weeks were a dream.

[1:46:29] But what it comes off is, it comes off implying that the rest of the strip is him.

[1:46:32] The whole strip was a dream.

[1:46:34] Yeah.

[1:46:34] Right.

[1:46:34] And he's like, I can't, I'm going insane from my solitude.

[1:46:37] Like, I have to think about this before I start.

[1:46:39] What kind of mushrooms did you put in that lasagna?

John Hodgman

[1:46:44] I thought you were describing Garfield in a post-apocalyptic environment.

[1:46:48] And that is something I would like.

[1:46:51] Garfield Fury Road is something I would be very interested in reading about.

[1:46:54] That would be pretty fun.

[1:46:55] There's no post-apocalyptic comic strip.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:57] I'm kind of surprised there isn't because it's such a go-to thing right now.

[1:47:02] Right.

John Hodgman

[1:47:02] But the only people who read comic strips now are elderly people who are thinking about

[1:47:08] death all the time anyway.

[1:47:09] Oh, everybody's dying.

[1:47:09] It's not fun for them to engage in a premise where all life has ended.

[1:47:15] Yeah.

[1:47:16] It's more fun for them to engage in a premise where Drabble says something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:21] Where Shue is hanging out at the tree bar.

[1:47:23] The twist I was always hoping for would be that Slylock Fox would finally realize that

[1:47:29] Jack the Ripper is all part of one giant Masonic conspiracy.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:34] I've had his buddy Max Mouse.

[1:47:36] Yeah, Max Mouse.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:38] Max Mouse MD has been doing it.

John Hodgman

[1:47:40] You know, I'm sure that the person who's writing in is familiar with this website.

[1:47:44] And maybe you guys are too.

[1:47:45] JoshReads.com.

[1:47:46] Yeah.

[1:47:47] Oh, yeah.

[1:47:47] By Josh Frolinger.

[1:47:49] Or I don't know how to pronounce his last name.

[1:47:51] Seems about right.

[1:47:52] Frolinger.

[1:47:53] F-R-U-H-L-I-N-G-E-R.

[1:47:55] But he tears apart comic strips in a delightful manner.

[1:47:59] In a very funny way.

[1:48:00] Daily.

[1:48:02] And I feel like that's covered.

[1:48:03] I don't want to tell you guys how to not improve your podcast.

[1:48:07] But I think that you guys got movies covered.

[1:48:10] I don't think you need to worry about comic strips.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:12] I mean, we talk about them every now and then.

[1:48:14] Right.

[1:48:14] And we've mentioned how Funky Winker Bean is depressing and makes no sense.

[1:48:17] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:18] And when we eventually watch the Rose is Rose movie, we'll talk about the comic strips.

[1:48:24] When is that property going to get you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:26] We're finally going to get the movie it deserves.

John Hodgman

[1:48:28] Would you work as a writer on a Funky Winker Bean movie?

[1:48:33] I don't see why I wouldn't.

[1:48:34] How funky is the money?

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:36] Yeah.

[1:48:37] Is it as funky as Winker Bean?

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:38] It's Winker Bean money.

[1:48:39] But that's not very much.

[1:48:40] Who are you going to get to play the band teacher?

[1:48:44] Because he's like the most important character, right?

[1:48:45] Well, I thought.

[1:48:46] I feel like it's less.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:47] Christopher McBlast seems like the obvious less character, right?

John Hodgman

[1:48:52] Yeah.

[1:48:53] How much do you even know about Funky Winker Bean, Stuart?

[1:48:55] I don't know that much.

[1:48:56] Yeah.

[1:48:57] I just remember.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:57] I've told the story many times.

[1:48:59] There was one where there was like somebody committed suicide.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:03] Oh, yeah.

[1:49:03] Every couple of weeks somebody dies or has cancer or something terrible.

[1:49:06] It's a profoundly depressing comic story.

[1:49:08] I remember as a kid, I rarely read the daily strips.

[1:49:11] But I always read the Sunday comics.

[1:49:13] And every Funky Winker Bean was, or every other Funky Winker Bean, was just one panel of somebody like sitting next to a hospital bed where their wife was.

[1:49:22] Or like looking at the picture of someone who had died recently.

[1:49:25] And I was like, what is going on in this monster?

[1:49:28] It's just a series of tableau of sadness.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:31] It's the same guy, Tom Batwick, who also had that comic about the TV anchor who got murdered, right?

[1:49:41] Oh, yeah.

[1:49:42] John Darling.

[1:49:43] Yeah.

[1:49:43] But that was like a fun thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:45] That he got murdered?

[1:49:46] But it was supposed to be like a murder mystery type thing.

[1:49:49] Right?

Dan McCoy

[1:49:49] I feel like that was like the, wasn't that like the end of the comic?

[1:49:53] Yes.

[1:49:53] Yeah, I guess that's true.

John Hodgman

[1:49:54] Dan is correct.

[1:49:56] This guy.

[1:49:57] That's very strange.

[1:50:00] I mean, he may have had a moment.

[1:50:01] He was like a John Donahue, I mean like a Phil Donahue figure who, you know, he hosted a talk show.

[1:50:07] And it was sort of a media send up.

[1:50:09] And then they were getting canceled.

[1:50:10] And he's like, fuck it, I'm going to murder him.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:13] And then much later in Funky Winker Bean, like they solved the mystery.

[1:50:17] They solved the murder.

[1:50:18] There were all those people who were wondering about it.

[1:50:20] Wait, really?

[1:50:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:21] They solved the murder in a different comic strip.

[1:50:24] Yeah.

[1:50:24] It's crazy.

[1:50:25] It's kind of brilliant in a weird way.

[1:50:27] Did they find out why Croc was such a dick to everybody?

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:31] I want to know what's up with Tank.

[1:50:34] Solve the mystery of why Peter Bailey is so lazy.

[1:50:36] Tank is the one where he's like a high school football coach or something.

[1:50:39] I don't remember that one.

[1:50:41] I don't remember that one.

[1:50:41] There's the one.

[1:50:42] What's the one you missed the most?

[1:50:44] I mean, that isn't made anymore?

[1:50:47] Because I don't read comic strips regularly the same way.

[1:50:49] Right.

[1:50:50] One that's still going on or no?

[1:50:51] No, one that isn't going, I guess.

[1:50:54] I mean, like Calvin and Hobbes, I guess.

[1:50:55] Calvin and Hobbes.

[1:50:56] I mean, that's one of the few strips where I can't think of any periods in it where it lost it.

[1:51:03] No.

[1:51:03] It was classic from the first frame to the last frame.

[1:51:06] Yeah, and it's like beautiful to look at.

[1:51:08] But I wonder if the funky...

John Hodgman

[1:51:09] Would you write a Calvin and Hobbes movie if Bill Watterson was not on board?

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:20] Oof.

[1:51:20] I don't think I would.

[1:51:22] Unless it was a lot of money.

[1:51:25] I mean, like a lot of money.

[1:51:25] How much money are we talking about?

[1:51:26] Yeah, how much money?

[1:51:26] Like tens of millions of dollars.

[1:51:28] Like more than they would ever pay anyone to write a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:30] I was going to say a million dollars?

[1:51:32] I don't know.

[1:51:33] That would keep Sammy in a lot of steaks.

[1:51:36] I mean, he can't really eat steak right now.

[1:51:37] Sammy loves steaks.

[1:51:37] He doesn't really.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:38] He sent me an email saying he loves steaks.

John Hodgman

[1:51:42] You stockpile steaks now.

[1:51:44] You freeze them for later.

[1:51:45] Please, Stuart, steaks.

[1:51:46] And later on, you'll be like, these are the steaks that my integrity bought for you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:52] I would say the same thing to him that John Oliver said to us when I joined him and some

[1:51:57] other people once at a sushi place.

[1:51:59] Listen to this name drop he got.

[1:52:00] He said, I'll take the check.

[1:52:02] And he went, no, no, no.

[1:52:03] And he goes, no, no.

[1:52:04] I'll take the bill.

[1:52:04] I'll pay for it.

[1:52:05] I got my love guru check today.

[1:52:07] And we go, okay.

[1:52:08] And he goes, as he goes to the register, he goes, by the way, this makes you all complicit

[1:52:10] in the production of the love guru.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:12] And we were like, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:15] So I tell Sammy, I'll be like, you can enjoy those steaks, but you made Bill Watterson very

[1:52:18] unhappy.

[1:52:19] That was Hollywood Kalen with another star tale behind the scenes.

[1:52:24] But I wonder if the guy from Funky Winker Bean went through something like Johnny Hart did,

[1:52:30] but in reverse.

[1:52:31] Like Johnny Hart found God and stopped drinking.

[1:52:34] And so BC became a very proselytizing strip.

[1:52:36] And Wizard of Id, I guess he decided was fine as was.

[1:52:39] He didn't have to change it.

[1:52:40] Right.

[1:52:40] Well, it was the Crusades.

[1:52:42] So it fit in with what he was doing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:44] Whereas Funky Winker Bean was the guy.

[1:52:46] And honestly, BC.

[1:52:47] Wizard of Id didn't show both sides.

John Hodgman

[1:52:50] BC was always sort of in the evangelical mode because it was like humans living with dinosaurs.

[1:52:56] It was a creationist comic strip from the beginning.

[1:52:58] It's true, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:59] Are there dinosaurs in BC?

[1:53:01] Yeah, yeah.

[1:53:01] Yeah, all right.

[1:53:02] Good.

[1:53:03] And they make jokes about how that one cavewoman is too fat and things like that.

[1:53:06] And it's like, you're a dinosaur.

[1:53:07] Why would you make that joke?

[1:53:08] I don't understand.

[1:53:09] Do you know what the name of that character is?

[1:53:11] No, I don't.

John Hodgman

[1:53:12] The cavewoman is too fat?

[1:53:14] Fat Broad.

[1:53:16] Really?

[1:53:16] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:17] You're saying it was never really a progressive strip?

[1:53:20] No.

[1:53:21] I wonder if the Funky Winker Bean guy had a moment that was the reverse of that where he lost

[1:53:26] faith in God and he was like, forget it.

[1:53:28] All my characters are going to die.

[1:53:30] Yeah.

[1:53:30] He's going to make it happen.

[1:53:31] Yeah.

[1:53:31] And the band teacher, he gets the worst punishment.

[1:53:33] He survives.

[1:53:34] And he just lives on with the memories of those he's lost.

[1:53:37] He remembers when they were all children.

[1:53:39] Yeah.

[1:53:39] And his band, it is never very good.

[1:53:42] Wow.

[1:53:42] That's the icing on the cake.

John Hodgman

[1:53:44] Well, I guess, what was his name?

[1:53:46] Who wrote that letter?

[1:53:47] Les?

[1:53:48] Oh, wait.

[1:53:48] No.

[1:53:49] Les is the nerd dude, right?

[1:53:50] Les is the band teacher.

[1:53:51] I don't know.

[1:53:52] Who wrote the letter?

Dan McCoy

[1:53:53] Who wrote the letter?

[1:53:53] The kid from Foxtrot is all he...

[1:53:55] Oh, that's right.

[1:53:56] Oh, yeah.

John Hodgman

[1:53:56] Jason from Foxtrot, I guess you got your wish.

[1:54:00] You turned it into a comic strip podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:02] So what's the next part of this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:54:04] The next and final part of this podcast is where we recommend movies that we have seen,

[1:54:11] usually recently, but not necessarily, that we would recommend instead of the movie that

[1:54:16] we watched tonight.

[1:54:18] Okay.

[1:54:19] Who goes first?

[1:54:20] I'll go briefly.

[1:54:22] I rewatched a movie that I saw for the first time when I was 13 and hadn't seen since.

[1:54:28] I watched The Sting, which is a movie that I feel like almost immediately did not get a lot

[1:54:36] of credit from Cinephiles because...

[1:54:39] I mean, it won Best Picture.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:40] Yeah, but it was...

[1:54:41] So I guess it's an underrated movie.

[1:54:43] I said Cinephiles.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:45] It was like...

[1:54:46] It came out in the 70s and it was already a movie out of time because it was a very old

[1:54:51] fashioned movie even when it was made.

[1:54:53] It was a throwback.

[1:54:55] It was an old Hollywood movie, but it was also like set in an older time period.

[1:55:00] But shot as though it were the 70s in a weird way.

[1:55:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:03] It's got that George Roy Hill...

[1:55:05] Yeah.

[1:55:06] You know, that George Roy Hill, yeah.

[1:55:09] But...

[1:55:10] We all know it.

[1:55:12] That George Roy Hill, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:15] Coming at you now is that George Roy Hill, yeah.

[1:55:18] Top of the charts.

[1:55:19] You're listening to W, huh?

John Hodgman

[1:55:24] But...

[1:55:24] 100.1.

[1:55:30] Radio dial.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:32] It's a movie that really...

[1:55:34] I feel like it's a very seminal...

[1:55:39] I mean, it's definitely a very seminal conman film.

[1:55:42] It kicks off that sort of...

[1:55:44] We're talking about The Sting.

[1:55:45] The Sting.

[1:55:46] Right.

[1:55:46] This is your recommendation.

[1:55:47] Yes.

[1:55:47] Okay, gotcha.

[1:55:49] So I'm recommending The Sting 2.

[1:55:51] No, the thing is like you watch The Sting today and it has one twist and it's not a surprising

[1:55:58] twist at all if you've seen any conman film at all.

[1:56:01] Is there a scorpion in it?

[1:56:02] You're like...

John Hodgman

[1:56:04] I don't even know what twist you're thinking of.

[1:56:08] Scorpion twist.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:09] Didn't you see that movie, Scorpion Twist?

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:12] That's not...

[1:56:12] Is that a hot new dance, Grace?

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:14] No.

[1:56:15] The way that you do the dance is you put a live scorpion in your shoe.

[1:56:18] The name of the dance is the Scorpion Twist.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:22] You're twisting from the pain as it stings you with its venom.

[1:56:25] Nothing better than a dance where they tell you to do it.

[1:56:28] No, the song.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:30] No, it's just the movie is all building up to one twist that is not surprising in the least

[1:56:35] if you've seen any sort of movie that has a twist at all.

[1:56:38] But that's because...

[1:56:39] Like Sixth Sense?

John Hodgman

[1:56:40] Right.

[1:56:40] It turns out they're all ghosts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:42] The movie was set in the past.

[1:56:44] They're all dead.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:45] The Sting is such an early example of the form.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:48] They're all...

John Hodgman

[1:56:49] They're all...

[1:56:51] What is it?

[1:56:53] Set in the 30s?

[1:56:54] It's the 20s, right?

[1:56:55] It was the 20s or the 30s?

[1:56:57] They're all living in a colony where they're acting like it's the 20s or the 30s.

[1:57:01] But in fact, when they walk outside the studio, it's the 1970s.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:07] The twist is they were making a movie called The Sting the whole time.

John Hodgman

[1:57:11] Hold on to your hats.

[1:57:12] Yeah.

[1:57:13] Guess what?

[1:57:14] This is not a real sting.

[1:57:15] It's a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:16] Turns out Robert Shaw was in on it the whole time.

[1:57:19] Life's like a movie.

John Hodgman

[1:57:20] Write your own ending.

[1:57:21] Keep believing.

[1:57:22] Keep pretending.

[1:57:24] We've done just what we've had to do.

[1:57:26] Thanks to the stingers.

[1:57:29] The sting.

[1:57:30] The stingies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:33] And you.

[1:57:35] That's how you do the scorpion twist.

[1:57:40] No, but what I'll say about the movie is it's just if you want...

Dan McCoy

[1:57:44] What it is is a testament to just old Hollywood charm.

[1:57:50] Like if you want to see a movie where you're just like, oh, this is carried along 100% on

[1:57:55] the charm of Robert Redford and Paul Newman and the fact that you've got Robert Shaw as

[1:58:01] the bad guy and you've got character actors like Charles Durning and Ray Walston.

[1:58:06] Like that's the beauty of it.

[1:58:08] Just a movie that has...

[1:58:09] That's how it works?

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:10] That is how it works.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:12] Like it's classic Hollywood big stars with great character actors.

John Hodgman

[1:58:18] You know, there are a lot of things that Chevy Chase was supposed to be able to do and didn't.

[1:58:24] And yet, even in this movie, I felt like at the beginning, like this guy's got some classic

[1:58:29] Hollywood charm.

[1:58:30] Yeah.

[1:58:31] And if he were not thrown into this terrible plot, something could have happened.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:36] Now, of course, it's all lost.

[1:58:38] And if he was not famously kind of unpleasant, he could have applied that another...

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:43] At the time, he was not known to the public, I think.

[1:58:45] Yeah.

[1:58:46] How unpleasant he is.

[1:58:47] I think that was just among entertainers.

John Hodgman

[1:58:49] Well, I have not seen The Sting for many, many years and I will take your recommendation.

[1:58:55] Anyone else?

Dan McCoy

[1:58:57] Yeah, so this is...

[1:58:57] I hope that you do.

[1:58:58] I hope you have a recommendation because that's the way that this part of the podcast...

[1:59:00] Yeah, so this is the part of the podcast where I recommend a horror movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:59:03] I'm going to recommend 1989's Witch Trap.

[1:59:08] Witch Trap?

[1:59:09] Witch Trap.

[1:59:11] Not the sequel to Witch Board, which actually they put on the VHS cover.

[1:59:17] And I think in the opening credits, even though it's directed by the guy who directed Witch

[1:59:20] Board and directed Stuart Wellington's favorite, Night of the Demons.

[1:59:24] Now, Witch Trap features a number of the same actors from Night of the Demons, including

[1:59:29] Linnea Quigley, who is also, yes, totally naked in this movie.

[1:59:35] And it is kind of the definition of a good, bad movie.

[1:59:39] You want to watch this...

[1:59:40] It's like a classic 80s, early 90s horror movie that you want to watch with friends.

[1:59:45] People get killed.

[1:59:46] The hero is this wisecracking detective who has a terrible one-liner for every scene.

[1:59:58] And people get killed in the stupidest ways possible.

[2:00:02] And it's shot very cheaply and weirdly.

[2:00:07] It's a super great movie to watch with friends.

[2:00:10] Witch Trap.

[2:00:11] And are witches trapped in it?

[2:00:15] Kind of.

[2:00:16] I don't want to get too into the plot.

[2:00:19] Why not?

[2:00:20] But it's kind of a witch.

[2:00:23] The movie is about a couple of ghost hunters who get hired to...

[2:00:27] Yes.

[2:00:28] Okay.

[2:00:28] So there's some ghost hunters who get hired to clean out a house that is haunted by an

[2:00:33] old warlock.

[2:00:35] Now, the guy who owns the property needs to make some money off of it because he is, I

[2:00:40] guess, in debt.

[2:00:41] And his only option is to turn this haunted house into a haunted bed and breakfast because

[2:00:47] haunted houses are big business back in 1989.

[2:00:51] As I think they probably are now.

[2:00:53] Yeah.

[2:00:53] As they are now.

[2:00:54] So he...

[2:00:54] But the problem is that he hired a stage magician to kind of like make sure the house is cool, even

[2:01:02] though a little bit haunted.

[2:01:03] Basically add a little bit of bona fides to it.

[2:01:05] Bona fides.

[2:01:06] Unfortunately, that guy totally gets killed by the ghost.

[2:01:10] So he has to hire these ghost hunters to go in, but he doesn't trust them to go in alone.

[2:01:14] So he has to hire in a private security company who are the best in the biz.

[2:01:18] He's sinking so much money into this haunted house.

[2:01:20] Who come along with it because it's a couple million dollars he's losing, Elliot.

[2:01:23] Think about it.

[2:01:24] If you owned a private haunted bed and breakfast...

Dan McCoy

[2:01:27] I'd spend any amount of money to get that.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:30] No amount of money is too much.

[2:01:31] That cash cow back on the market.

[2:01:32] Yep.

[2:01:33] You were right.

[2:01:33] You shouldn't have described the plot.

[2:01:35] It all revolves around somebody eating a...

[2:01:39] It's a classic bed and breakfast sting.

John Hodgman

[2:01:43] It's like the sting in a haunted B&B in 1989.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:46] Now, Robert Shaw shows up.

[2:01:48] It's like the Innkeepers is what you're saying.

John Hodgman

[2:01:50] It's not as good as the Innkeepers.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:51] The Innkeepers is really good.

[2:01:53] But no, this is a good like...

[2:01:55] Once again, if you've already seen Night of the Demons with your pals, just pop in Witch

[2:01:59] Trap.

John Hodgman

[2:02:01] I haven't seen either of those films.

[2:02:03] Double feature.

[2:02:04] I will see them both.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:05] I'll go recommend a movie now.

John Hodgman

[2:02:08] No, you probably have something prepared, so I'll just say my thing.

[2:02:12] Oh, okay.

[2:02:12] Because I got nothing.

[2:02:14] I have a movie that I'm going to recommend.

[2:02:16] I couldn't remember any of the movies that I've seen in the past year.

[2:02:22] So I had to go back into my email to see what movies I bought on iTunes.

[2:02:29] And suddenly I remembered, oh, right.

[2:02:31] There was that night where I watched two movies.

[2:02:34] And the first movie I watched was The Good One.

[2:02:37] And then the second movie I watched was The Terrible One.

[2:02:40] And I'm only going to mention The Terrible One because I'm sure you've done it on the podcast.

[2:02:44] And I apologize if I've not heard it.

[2:02:45] You never know.

[2:02:46] But 1941.

[2:02:48] Oh, no.

[2:02:48] We haven't done it.

[2:02:49] No, no.

[2:02:49] Can I come back for that one?

[2:02:52] Sure, yeah, if we do it.

[2:02:53] Another John Candy, Dan Aykroyd film.

[2:02:57] Yeah.

[2:02:58] And another completely misguided emanation of a single creative vision that no one could say no to at that time.

[2:03:09] And it's unbelievably terrible.

[2:03:13] Did Spielberg direct it?

[2:03:15] Yeah.

[2:03:15] Spielberg.

[2:03:16] Spielberg directed it.

[2:03:16] Spielberg was like the golden boy.

[2:03:18] And Zemeckis wrote it.

[2:03:20] And like, Aykroyd I think knows how to make comedy.

[2:03:25] He has evidence by this movie.

[2:03:27] But doesn't, but you know, like I think he understands comedy to some degree, but doesn't know how to direct a movie.

[2:03:31] Spielberg knew how to direct a movie, but doesn't know anything about comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03:34] And that's one where I've read about behind the scenes.

[2:03:36] People were like, yeah, on the set, it wasn't funny.

[2:03:39] But everyone assumed like Belushi's going to pull it off.

[2:03:42] Right.

[2:03:43] The script doesn't seem to be very funny.

[2:03:44] When we're shooting it, it doesn't seem to be funny.

[2:03:46] But Belushi's magic.

[2:03:47] So when it's on screen, he's just going to pull it off.

John Hodgman

[2:03:49] And that is completely, like the whole ethos of the movie is these people were funny in Animal House.

[2:03:55] They'll do it again.

[2:03:55] We don't have to give them anything.

[2:03:57] We don't have to make any, we don't have to set up anything.

[2:03:59] They'll just mug and then look at boobs.

[2:04:02] And like, and that's the, and that's what the movie is.

[2:04:04] And it was startling how terrible.

[2:04:06] And I'd seen it as a kid.

[2:04:07] My dad took me to see it.

[2:04:09] And I can't imagine.

[2:04:10] Time for you to learn about the war, son.

[2:04:11] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[2:04:12] But when you were a kid, because I remember seeing as a kid and just like this movie, like I just assumed it was good.

[2:04:19] And I remember being entertained as a child, probably because of boobs.

[2:04:23] And I don't know.

John Hodgman

[2:04:23] Yeah, I remember being very confused by it because I was a very shy kid.

[2:04:27] And I'm like, why is my dad taking me to a boob movie?

[2:04:31] And it opens with a, with a parody of the opening scene of Jaws.

[2:04:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:04:36] Which was the only good thing about it until you realize just how it's profoundly misogynistic movie.

[2:04:43] But that's a terrible movie.

[2:04:44] We'll leave that for another time.

[2:04:45] The movie that I saw earlier that same night, in a similar jag of like, was this good or was this bad?

[2:04:52] Was Broadcast News.

[2:04:54] Oh, right.

[2:04:54] Which is great.

[2:04:54] That's a good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04:56] Yeah, that's a really good movie.

John Hodgman

[2:04:57] And I had forgotten, like, it's one of the, you know, I'd always taken it as one of my favorite movies.

[2:05:02] But it had been years since I had seen it.

[2:05:04] And it was one of these movies where I had not appreciated just how deep into my DNA it had gotten.

[2:05:10] It's, Albert Brooks is so funny in it.

[2:05:13] Yeah, it's fantastic.

[2:05:15] The three of them, William Hurt and...

[2:05:17] Holly Hunter.

[2:05:18] Holly Hunter, right.

[2:05:19] Are so incredible.

[2:05:21] And there's so many moments that I remember, not only that I remember perfectly, but that affect how I think about comedic and dramatic writing now.

[2:05:31] And it's still incredibly pertinent.

[2:05:33] So I recommend that movie highly.

[2:05:36] So you heard it, 1941.

[2:05:38] No.

[2:05:39] John Aslan.

[2:05:40] Also, check out Scorpion Twist.

[2:05:42] A very under-seen exploitation spy movie from 1981.

[2:05:49] Spy dance movie starring Digital Underground, 1989.

[2:05:53] It was incredible.

[2:05:55] Shock G plays all the characters.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:58] So I'm going to recommend a movie that, in keeping with my usual trend, is an old movie and a foreign movie.

[2:06:03] Which is a movie called The Housemaid.

[2:06:06] Which is from South Korea, 1960.

[2:06:08] It was directed by Kim Ki-young.

[2:06:10] Well, I've got to go, you guys.

[2:06:11] And it's this movie that, in the West, was not known until, or not well known until probably about five or six years ago.

[2:06:20] When they remade it in Korea, and suddenly people in the United States, you know, found out about the original.

[2:06:27] And it's like, if Alfred Hitchcock made a thriller where he went farther than Alfred Hitchcock does in terms of, like, just shocking subject matter.

[2:06:35] Where this guy, this family is, the mother is a seamstress, and the dad is a music teacher at a dormitory for women who work at a factory in South Korea.

[2:06:45] And they take on, there's a, one of the students has a crush on him.

[2:06:50] And he, he spurns her.

[2:06:52] And something terrible happens to her.

[2:06:54] And her friend, almost as revenge, recommends a woman to be their housemaid.

[2:06:59] Because they're looking for a housemaid.

[2:07:00] And this woman, just through her sheer force of will, and just being crazy, turns the house upside down and makes everybody her servants.

[2:07:08] And to the point that it's like, if Alfred Hitchcock made a movie where he's always threatening that a child's gonna die.

[2:07:16] I guess in one movie, in Sabotage, a child dies.

[2:07:20] But like, if Alfred Hitchcock made a movie where he's like, mmm, that annoying kid that you kind of don't want anything bad to happen to because he's a kid.

[2:07:28] Well, he's gonna fall down some stairs and die.

[2:07:30] And like, it's, it's just so intense.

[2:07:32] Spoiler.

[2:07:33] Spoiler.

[2:07:34] But, uh, sorry, that is a spoiler.

[2:07:35] But like, it's a, it's weirdly intense, but they're, without a lot of scenes where people are in physical danger.

[2:07:41] But it always, it feels so creepy and so oppressive and claustrophobic.

[2:07:45] And there's an ending to it that should ruin it.

[2:07:49] It should be a bad ending, but it actually works in a crazy way.

[2:07:52] And I don't want to tell you what it is.

[2:07:53] But like, it's a, it's just this very, like, intense psychodrama of this woman coming in and destroying these people's lives, essentially.

[2:08:01] And it's really creepy and good.

[2:08:04] Say the name of it again.

[2:08:05] It's called The Housemaid.

John Hodgman

[2:08:06] No, I can't remember that.

[2:08:08] What's its name in Korean?

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:09] Uh, that is a good question.

[2:08:11] I do not know how to pronounce.

John Hodgman

[2:08:13] Your pronunciation is fantastic.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:14] I guess according to, according to Wikipedia, I guess it would be something like Hanyo.

[2:08:18] Oh, Housemaid.

[2:08:19] Yeah.

[2:08:20] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[2:08:22] No, I've heard about that movie.

[2:08:23] But, uh, it's one that, uh, if you like, uh, there's a certain kind of cinephile that is especially likes Asian movies.

John Hodgman

[2:08:29] Like, this is one to see if you haven't seen it.

[2:08:31] Uh, and where would that be available?

[2:08:33] Because the movies we're talking about, you can get.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:35] I think it's, I think Criterion Collection has it, actually.

[2:08:38] So it may be available on their, in their Hulu collection.

Stuart Wellington

[2:08:41] That's pretty good.

[2:08:41] The movie I talked about you can only watch on YouTube.

[2:08:45] Or VHS.

[2:08:47] Haunt your video stories for a copy of Witch Trap.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:49] Just go to YouTube.

[2:08:51] It's, we live in a weird world now where obscure foreign movies are easier to find than like.

Dan McCoy

[2:08:57] Old, dumb American films.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:59] Yeah, like, like cheapy American horror movies that used to flood the video market.

[2:09:02] Right.

[2:09:02] Like, it used to be so easy to find a copy of Ghoulies.

[2:09:05] And so hard to see, like, uh, any of Orson Welles' later movies.

[2:09:10] And now those are all available online.

[2:09:11] Right.

John Hodgman

[2:09:11] Ghoulies, I don't know where you find it.

[2:09:12] And, uh, don't even talk to me about Ghoulies 2.

[2:09:14] Because I have been.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:16] Is that the one where they go to college?

Dan McCoy

[2:09:17] Ghoulies 3 is Ghoulies Go to College.

[2:09:19] Okay.

[2:09:21] I can speak with authority about that.

[2:09:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:23] This is Dan's time to shine.

Dan McCoy

[2:09:26] There's a great scene where the Ghoulies put a plunger on a lady who's taking a shower

[2:09:31] and stretch out her face in a, like, a Looney Tunes cartoon way.

[2:09:34] Like a Beetlejuice thing.

[2:09:36] Yeah.

[2:09:37] So, look for that.

[2:09:38] I guess, wait, hold on.

[2:09:39] Can I switch my recommendation to Ghoulies Go to College?

John Hodgman

[2:09:42] Is it from the same Ghoulies 3 Go to College?

Dan McCoy

[2:09:47] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:48] Now, did the Ghoulies, we might have talked about this, did they apply?

Dan McCoy

[2:09:51] Or how did they get to college?

[2:09:53] Did they get a scary scholarship?

[2:09:54] They're just invoked.

[2:09:55] They're invoked by.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:56] Affirmative action.

Dan McCoy

[2:09:57] You know, they're invoked by, uh, what's his face from, uh.

[2:10:01] Oh, Alex Trebek.

[2:10:02] Yeah.

[2:10:02] No, no, from, uh.

[2:10:03] Pavarotti.

[2:10:05] In basketball.

[2:10:05] In the basketball scholarship.

[2:10:07] Was it?

[2:10:07] Body Snatchers.

[2:10:08] Who's the guy?

[2:10:09] Leonard Nimoy.

[2:10:10] Donald Sutherland.

[2:10:10] The lead.

[2:10:11] In which Body Snatchers?

[2:10:12] The original.

[2:10:13] Oh, Kevin McCarthy?

[2:10:14] Yeah, Kevin McCarthy is the guy who reads the.

[2:10:17] The incantation.

[2:10:18] The incantation.

[2:10:19] Pulls the ghoulies out of their ghoulie universe.

[2:10:21] I didn't realize that.

Stuart Wellington

[2:10:21] Yeah, but that doesn't explain how they get to college.

[2:10:24] Is he the dean?

[2:10:25] He's a, he's a teacher there.

[2:10:27] He's a professor of ghoulie studies.

[2:10:28] Oh, okay.

[2:10:30] And I guess they're on the fucking syllabus.

[2:10:32] Yeah.

[2:10:32] From one of the core classes, ghoulology.

[2:10:36] Mm-hmm.

[2:10:36] It's a teacher.

Dan McCoy

[2:10:38] Does this podcast ever end?

[2:10:40] Not really.

[2:10:40] No, it ends now.

[2:10:42] With an exhortation to go to maximumfund.org forward slash donate.

[2:10:48] If you're still alive or awake and you're listening to this.

[2:10:51] That's the only way to make this stop.

John Hodgman

[2:10:54] We only need 200 of you to navigate to maximumfund.org slash donate and we'll be able to do this

[2:11:03] podcast for another.

[2:11:05] Couple hours.

[2:11:05] Five weeks.

[2:11:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:11:07] Well, yeah, let's shut this down.

[2:11:10] Thank you so much.

[2:11:11] Shut it down for good.

[2:11:12] John Hodgman for coming.

John Hodgman

[2:11:13] Oh, it was totally my pleasure and I am astonished you guys have not done 1941 and I insist against

[2:11:20] your wishes to come back and be here when you watch it.

[2:11:24] We'll do it.

[2:11:25] Yeah.

[2:11:26] Let's do it right now.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11:28] Okay.

[2:11:28] Fire up the movie machine.

[2:11:30] Okay.

[2:11:31] Here we go again.

[2:11:33] Nothing but trouble stuck in the player.

[2:11:34] I guess we watch that first.

Dan McCoy

[2:11:36] I'll go for it.

[2:11:38] Thank you for listening for the podcast.

[2:11:40] I've been Dan McCoy.

[2:11:41] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[2:11:44] Elliot Kalin is also a robot for some reason.

[2:11:47] John Hodgman.

[2:11:50] Good night, everyone.

[2:12:02] All around the world, the same song.

[2:12:06] Just sing old song.

Stuart Wellington

[2:12:10] Did you timestamp all your goofs?

John Hodgman

[2:12:13] Because if not, we've got to watch it again.

[2:12:16] I didn't timestamp my goofs and I remember now in the email you said, remember, timestamp

[2:12:21] your goofs.

[2:12:22] You don't mind if I try out my new character?

Elliott Kalan

[2:12:25] I mean, you kind of got a recognizable voice that we're hoping to capture.

[2:12:29] Oh, that's all right now.

John Hodgman

[2:12:32] I have a vision for how my career is going to go.

Dan McCoy

[2:12:34] I want to get on the ground floor of this cool new character.

[2:12:38] You don't have John Hodger on your show yet.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12:40] You're going to be the biggest character since Clobow and Little Devil.

John Hodgman

[2:12:45] Maximumfun.org.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12:46] Comedy and culture.

[2:12:47] Artist owned.

John Hodgman

[2:12:48] Listener supported.

Ep. #200 - Nothing but Trouble

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