Ep. #203 - Look Who's Talking Now

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we watched Look Who's Talking Now.

[0:04] That's right, listeners. The Flophouse goes straight to the dogs.

[0:10] Because there's dogs in the movie. Because it's a movie with dogs.

[0:15] All right. I did it.

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:46] And you know I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:48] And you probably had a premonition that Elliot Kalin would be here. Well, you were right.

[0:52] That's right. We're the Flophouse podcast.

[0:55] Starring us in the Flophouse.

[1:00] The original bad boys of flopcasting.

[1:03] I think the only bad boys of flopcasting, which also makes us the only good boys of flopcasting.

[1:08] Yeah. Where's your yardstick for good versus bad boys?

[1:12] Well, bad boys are coming for you. Or were they coming for the bad boys in that song?

[1:17] Well, they were coming after the bad boys.

[1:20] OK, never mind then. Never mind.

[1:22] So this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:26] We did not watch a bad movie.

[1:28] Well, no, we did not.

[1:30] Tonight we're taking part in a little thing called a pod crawl.

[1:34] Now, we've done this a couple of times before where we get together with a couple of other podcasts.

[1:41] And we watch a series of connected movies.

[1:44] It's like a crossover where no one meets each other.

[1:48] And so we are running the Look Who's Talking series with Read It and Weep and Too Beautiful to Live with Luke Burbank.

[1:59] And so the Read It and Weep guys, I believe.

[2:03] Read It and Weep, a show that I think, have we all done a guest spot on at some point?

[2:07] Yeah.

[2:08] And we've done the previous two pod crawls.

[2:11] Yeah, the Star Wars one and the, what was the other one?

[2:15] Yeah, Any Which Way But Loose.

[2:17] That was with We Hate Movies.

[2:19] Oh, okay.

[2:20] Dan's memory, zero.

[2:23] Anyway, the point is –

[2:25] They watched Look Who's Talking.

[2:27] They watched Look Who's Talking.

[2:28] The classic film about, hey, what if babies could talk and they sounded like Bruce Willis?

[2:33] Yep, too beautiful.

[2:34] 1989's Look Who's Talking.

[2:36] Hit film.

[2:37] Yeah, yeah.

[2:38] Hit film was so hot, the next year Look Who's Talking 2 came out.

[2:43] And then there was a little bit of a lag before our film, Look Who's Talking Now.

[2:48] I'm assuming you went through multiple rewrites so they could get the perfect script.

[2:52] I was going to say Too Beautiful to Live did the second film in the series.

[2:55] That's the one with the talking toilet.

[2:57] Another talking baby.

[3:00] What's the heightening to one talking baby?

[3:03] Two talking babies.

[3:04] They had to learn the lesson that Walt Disney learned with Three Little Pigs where he said,

[3:09] you can't beat pigs with pigs.

[3:11] He couldn't just keep making Three Little Pigs cartoons.

[3:14] He had to do other stuff that wasn't pigs.

[3:16] He had to make cartoons where the pig beats another pig.

[3:19] No, it's impossible because pigs always form an alliance against humans.

[3:23] Animal Farm by George Orwell.

[3:24] I talked about it on your brother's podcast.

[3:26] Yeah, and there's no – they have no arguments in that book, right?

[3:30] None of the pigs have anything bad happen to them.

[3:32] Perfectly well.

[3:34] Yeah?

[3:35] Nothing.

[3:36] So Look Who's Talking is about a talking baby, but he's not really talking.

[3:40] It's just what he's thinking.

[3:41] Look Who's Talking 2, you got two talking babies.

[3:44] Look Who's Talking now, the kids have grown up.

[3:46] But we have a gender balance.

[3:48] Yes.

[3:49] Yeah, finally we've achieved gender Look Who's Talking parody after so many years of progress.

[3:53] There was once a time when girl babies couldn't even vote.

[3:57] You know what?

[3:58] They still can't because they're babies.

[3:59] They can't understand it.

[4:00] Today we're actually recording on the night of the New York primary,

[4:03] and my wife took our son Sammy with her to go voting,

[4:06] and he could not tell me which candidate they voted for.

[4:09] This two-year-old kid had no understanding of what was going on in democratic politics.

[4:13] Maybe he was just trying to keep his vote private.

[4:15] Maybe.

[4:16] That's true.

[4:17] I asked him, I said, who did you vote for?

[4:18] And he goes, voted.

[4:20] I was like, all right, close enough I guess.

[4:23] He was more excited about the civic duty.

[4:25] The civic duty is the main thing.

[4:27] Oh, civic is not the only duty he's making.

[4:29] Oh, dad humor.

[4:31] Dad humor.

[4:32] Anyway, so Look Who's Talking now, the kids are grown up.

[4:35] They're already talking.

[4:36] To see a five-year-old talking is not impressive enough to go to the movies for and pay.

[4:40] At the time, $6 for a ticket, plus you got popcorn, plus Twizzlers probably.

[4:46] Then you see the thing about the float candy floating through space in the beginning,

[4:50] and you're like, oh, gummy bears.

[4:52] Of course, you run out and get those.

[4:53] Then you got to – they didn't even have screen entertainment,

[4:55] so it's not like you could buy time with that.

[4:57] You had to hurry, and when you get back –

[4:59] Is this back when there would be guys walking around with little boxes hanging from their shoulders?

[5:03] Yeah, it's the 40s.

[5:04] The Will Rogers.

[5:05] Popcorn!

[5:06] Popcorn!

[5:07] Hot dogs!

[5:08] I thought you were talking about the Will Rogers Foundation.

[5:09] You got to put in a couple bucks for that too.

[5:11] Oh, yeah, whatever happened to that?

[5:13] That used to be at like every movie theater.

[5:15] They realized that Will Rogers was dead and couldn't hurt them anymore.

[5:18] They couldn't bring him back.

[5:20] It's just a projection racket.

[5:22] Yeah.

[5:23] He was totally over the edge.

[5:25] It seems he died in a plane crash 70 years ago.

[5:28] Is he still doing this?

[5:30] So look who's talking now.

[5:32] What's going to be talking now?

[5:33] There are obviously a lot of options.

[5:35] Cars.

[5:36] You mentioned the toilet.

[5:37] Plants.

[5:38] Now there is a talking toilet in one scene in Look Who's Talking 2.

[5:40] It's a fantasy sequence, and if you want fantasy sequences, Look Who's Talking Now is chock full of filler in the form of fantasy sequences.

[5:47] Oh, boy.

[5:48] So what's going to talk?

[5:49] Is it going to be the sky?

[5:51] Is it going to be fire telling people, light me, burn your house?

[5:54] Is it going to be like a television set?

[5:56] Now, again, if it was talking, it would not be that impressive.

[5:59] Okay.

[6:00] Is it going to be like a talking doll?

[6:03] Like an animal.

[6:05] I mean, one of those Chuckies or talkatinas?

[6:07] Yeah.

[6:08] Here's what it is.

[6:09] Everyone's clothing talks.

[6:11] Oh, that's what's going on.

[6:14] And they're all saying, I'm touching your boobs.

[6:18] Yeah, all the clothes are perverts.

[6:20] I'm touching your butt right now.

[6:22] Oh, boy.

[6:23] I'm all over your penis.

[6:25] It's brightly colored.

[6:26] Well, there are a lot of brightly colored shows.

[6:28] Yeah.

[6:29] Brightly colored clothes.

[6:30] It's a real Dick Tracy of a movie.

[6:35] Now, man, what really is the extra talking element?

[6:38] The extra talking element is dogs.

[6:40] Dogs.

[6:41] The series has gone to the dogs.

[6:43] As Spinning Stewart said already.

[6:45] Oh, did he?

[6:46] Yeah, like 10 minutes ago.

[6:47] Oh, man.

[6:48] I forgot.

[6:49] Already this episode is starting rough.

[6:52] Put this one in the pound and put it down.

[6:56] Or as they say when they're about to kill Danny DeVito's character, Rocks, to be destroyed,

[7:01] which I think is supposed to be a less visceral word than kill, but it sounds way worse.

[7:07] If you say you're going to kill a dog, it's like, oh, well, at least its body will exist, right?

[7:11] Destroy it.

[7:12] Its soul has been banished to the other world.

[7:14] At an atomic level, it's just been torn apart into particles.

[7:17] It's like when I get a sandwich and I'm like, I'm going to destroy this sandwich.

[7:22] Like the guy that's selling me the sandwich is like, holy shit, dude.

[7:25] Give me that sandwich back.

[7:27] Here's your money.

[7:28] Get out of my restaurant.

[7:29] I couldn't let you do that.

[7:31] You said that weirdly sexually, too.

[7:33] I'm going to destroy this sandwich.

[7:35] That's how I talk to you service workers.

[7:37] I'm just going to wreck this sandwich.

[7:40] Unleaded, please.

[7:42] Fill her up.

[7:44] You guys are making it grosser than mine was.

[7:46] Maybe.

[7:47] So we open in a single shot.

[7:50] So the year is 1993.

[7:51] One shot?

[7:52] A single take, long shot.

[7:54] It is irreversible.

[7:56] Now, the year is 1993 when this came out.

[7:59] This was the big movie of the year, right?

[8:01] Mm-hmm.

[8:02] Of course it wasn't.

[8:03] Jurassic Park came out in 1993, the biggest movie maybe ever made.

[8:06] I think scientifically that's untrue.

[8:10] Name a bigger movie.

[8:12] Gone with the Wind.

[8:15] Dinosaurs are like 60 feet tall.

[8:17] No one in that movie is over 6 feet tall.

[8:19] You're right.

[8:20] Dinosaurs could eat Scarlett O'Hara very easily.

[8:22] Incredibly easily.

[8:23] Think about the Civil War with dinosaurs.

[8:25] It's called Abraham Lincoln Dinosaur Hunter.

[8:27] I'm thinking about it, and I'm loving it.

[8:29] Here's $700,000.

[8:31] Perfect.

[8:32] Thank you.

[8:33] So wait a second.

[8:34] In this case, are the dinosaurs plantation hooners?

[8:36] Yes.

[8:37] Okay.

[8:38] Well, another reason I hate dinosaurs, I guess.

[8:40] No, but I like dinosaurs.

[8:42] Oh, shoot.

[8:43] Anyway, so we open, as Stuart said, with a single long take shot of our heroes,

[8:48] John Travolta and Kirstie Alley.

[8:50] We've known them through the entire LucasTalking saga.

[8:52] They met.

[8:53] They fell in love.

[8:54] Oh, sorry.

[8:55] Kirstie Alley had a baby at a wedlock.

[8:57] John Travolta married her.

[8:58] They had another baby in wedlock.

[8:59] They are, according to IMDb, the tagline for this movie is,

[9:03] the world's favorite family is back.

[9:07] That is incredibly unearned promotional hype.

[9:10] Hyperbolic.

[9:13] The world's favorite family.

[9:15] Name one more favorite family.

[9:18] Now, considering the movie is set at Christmas, Jesus and his parents,

[9:22] hugely popular throughout the world, and I'm talking about both his dad.

[9:27] I was going to say the family from Married with Children, the Bundys.

[9:30] The Bundys.

[9:31] They were huge at this point.

[9:32] The Simpsons, even bigger.

[9:34] Let's not forget the Winslows and the Huxtables.

[9:37] The Cosbys.

[9:38] Well, the Cosbys and the Huxtables are the same people.

[9:41] Oh, yeah.

[9:42] I'm bad at TV.

[9:45] And the Dick Van Dykeses and the Bunkers and the family from the show Dinosaurs.

[9:50] I don't remember if that was on the show yet.

[9:52] All of the families on Family Feud.

[9:54] Yeah, all of them.

[9:55] So all the people who, under their breath while they're listening to this show

[9:58] on public transportation.

[10:00] Who said the name of that family on dinosaurs please tweet it when you get off the bus i think the sinclair's that that makes sense that doesn't sound like a lot of house cat will know all the time all of it at all dinosaurs related correspondence goes directly to my personal not the momma.

[10:22] Look you gotta love him he told you so.

[10:26] All the characters were named after oil companies wait of the dinosaurs were yeah yeah i don't know what's the joke is it that they're latex master made out of that when they leave their bones would become oil eventually.

[10:39] Yeah i was a sort of morbid characters that you love will eventually die and become fossilized burn them up in your car during the final episode of the series was the ice age coming and everybody is about to die yeah yeah pretty close anyway.

[10:53] So the kirstie alley and general america's favorite family they are now you did worlds.

[11:03] Is it because in in namibia they're like what's going on with the look who's talking family in japan they're like oh what's happening now to the family's last name i don't remember even though they're my favorite.

[11:16] Posters is looking for now like who who who who who's been added to the family.

[11:25] It is a difference i had when i saw the poster for gremlins 2 in my mind exploded made another one just for me man i want to go first look for that thing and i was like a spider gremlin do i live in the best time that has ever existed medically yes i remember that movie when gremlins 2 was.

[11:47] I had all the collectible cards and i will just go on road trip when my parents take me on road trips i'd read the backs of the movie what was the what was the lobby card i gave you was that the was that the case being terrorized in the elevator.

[12:06] Because it's just a looney tunes cartoon that way and when the elevator crashes there's literally like a point that's where they squish.

[12:15] What a good movie we should watch that is talking shit in that movie anyway so there these two are dealing with a normal movie everyone just talks they'll make a big deal out of it so once again every movie since nineteen twenty nine roughly is that talking in it for the most.

[12:35] I mean there's some movies that haven't but most of them have even charlie chaplin ventures like i get to get on this talking boat so in nineteen ninety three to release a movie where things are talking not so impressive yeah christy alley john devolta they're dealing with the stress one of being.

[12:49] The thing is to have having these very stressful children and the right or right away the movie loses its audience because you expect the children to have the voices of bruce willis and roseanne bar respectively yes why didn't they dump them into these child children's face.

[13:04] Perfect and it would've made sense thematically you know that this boy is gonna go up to be bruno this girl is gonna go up to be she devil.

[13:14] Yeah that's a character yeah and so they're having it's a really stressful life having two young kids they don't wanna go to bed i don't want to take a bath and i'm not gonna hit around the apartment all the time oh boy is always playing their minds and occasionally on the stereo.

[13:30] They love novelty songs like take put that doctor to mentor mix on this is gonna be great fish head fish and roll the police let me queue up the music video you know bill paxton directed this yes i know honey thank you anyway.

[13:46] So they love novelty songs that defining trade now john devolta as you know is a pilot who's at work and became a cab driver and he's like kind of a goofy nerdy well and christy alley.

[14:00] I don't know if it's the 90s this is something i forget all the time until i watch 90s movies everyone's clothes were enormous like everyone look like a fucking howard jacob drawing with shoulder pads and like jodhpur pants there's a scene where the other the sun is what was like what six is walking down the stairs and he's wearing pants that look like they belong on a grown man like they're so white it's like what are you doing to these kids but that's you guys are i assume had clothes like that.

[14:30] I certainly did where my mom was buying me shirts that like had so much excess fabric what i remember about the nineties is that i wanted a simpsons.

[14:40] Emblazoned outfit because that was the hippest thing for a while was to have any simpsons thing and so i somehow.

[14:48] I settle upon the nerdiest simpsons option that was possible meal house which was bart giving the peace sign in front of a big peace symbol saying peace man.

[15:00] And i thought i was the coolest were you the coolest i was not so where did you get that shirt from i think it was a jay-z penny sweater jay-z penny yeah i know you started with retail before you went into wrapping.

[15:14] I had 99 problems and all of them were that shirt because my dad used to get a simpsons stuff but he my dad used to work in manhattan at the time.

[15:22] He just pick up tons of bootleg shirts off the street so my still have them probably somewhere my mom doesn't throw anything out and use that they still fit probably better my sister my brother and i would always be wearing simpsons or ninja turtle shirts with the colors were all wrong has like.

[15:41] A yellow shirt and green shorts or like this guy's got a red bandana but he's holding nunchucks that doesn't make sense michelangelo holds the nunchucks.

[15:50] And i remember very much the day when my dad came home with no bootleg shirts is like all i could find was homie the clown merchandise i'm not where buying that for you.

[15:58] But it was too urban free it was too late i mean look in retrospect.

[16:03] Homie the clown was inappropriate character for a ten-year-old to have emblazoned yeah cuz he's not eating shorts and being an underachiever but appropriate for this movie because it looked like it was the costume designer was the same person who did everything for him living color it was there a lot of bold,

[16:19] bright color yeah big big styles jackets with contrast sleeves on them at one point johnny haberdasher in charge of this movie so many hats they should call this look who's heading now or just look who's talking hats and the hat should have talked like in lidsville but they're not big how did they not put fucking hands on the dogs they were there they must have been littering the floor with.

[16:46] What kind of hats do you think that would have like a one of them have like a ten gallon hat or i mean yeah cuz it's a cowboy dog i mean the daniel obviously the poodle will have a beret of course traditional poodle like a russ would have one of those like a like a beat up old hat with the front flipped up yeah maybe has a press card in a corner torn off all right and what our maybe like he's got like a newsies cap newsies get like a little bit of it's ripped and she's wearing a tiara.

[17:15] No that's technically a hat what if he has a hobo hat one of which is just a top hat with the top of it yeah he could definitely do that little over his shoulder he's wearing dog shoes with the with the toes open and she's wearing like.

[17:31] Like one of those old fashioned 19th century hats with a real dead stuffed bird on it and glass cherries.

[17:39] Yeah that would be great i would like to see a dog's neck trying to support all that weight would be very difficult so anyway the oh yeah and there's what i want to prove so we don't forget i want us to point out of the clothes john travolta one can't paint us a tapestry he dresses up for a fancy dinner in a blue.

[17:57] Sport jacket or blazer suit jacket that is the bluest blue and it is so bright it's like he took a blue screen from industrial light magic and just cut it into a shirt shape and just stuffed his sleeves his arms through it it's like you you were you're staring deep into the baby blues of paul atreides it was far too much spice from the atmosphere in his bloodstream.

[18:19] There's when he waves his hands in front of it it looks like he is a weatherman.

[18:26] He's like you'll just add a suit in post you know how when the rank or is fighting luke there's like a green cop got a process line around it it's like john travolta's hands had that weather in front of his jacket it was really weird yeah it's a color that does not exist in nature in any form and somehow they,

[18:47] torrent from some like the the hadron collider when two atoms exploded and turn it into a jacket that he wore it was crazy.

[18:57] Yeah it was a lovely and lovely and he's with the and kirstie ally and olympia the carcass his two dates are also dressed yeah he is what she's in a red or bright red thing in the address has a purple number on the matches her purple earrings,

[19:17] they are stressed out from their two kids he's looking for work he's having trouble finding it doesn't help that he has a light up tie that he was a joke he's kind of a goofy dad and she's kind of a stressed out mom and they're always trying to do it and always getting interrupted and so she finds out she's been fired from her job at the same time he goes on an interview,

[19:37] add what appears to be the headquarters of the tyrell corporation play runner with a woman who is a kind of icy blonde ceo who doesn't wear a shirt just a bra with a blazer over a collection of blazers that yeah the boobs are front and center it's like it's like the guys hold on a second and where else should the boobs be like back and diagonal.

[20:00] underneath and in circles.

[20:03] It's like what would happen if the...

[20:06] You know, sometimes they drift off to the side, I guess.

[20:09] Yeah, yeah, then you've got to push them slightly when you're going out with a Gumby.

[20:12] That's the main problem that women face, right?

[20:15] They've got to recenter the boobs.

[20:17] Every now and then, that's what they go to a gynecologist for.

[20:20] They're getting it recalibrated and re-geared, yeah.

[20:23] I've got to re-rack these things.

[20:26] Suspension on these is shot, I've got to go into Jiffy Boob.

[20:29] Get it worked on.

[20:32] Oh no.

[20:35] I don't know if the listeners are going to hear

[20:38] literally the air escaping Stuart's body as that pun

[20:41] hit him like a punch to the gut.

[20:44] Yeah, his boss is basically

[20:47] if the weird science guys scanned a

[20:50] Nagel print and she sprang to life.

[20:53] And so he gets a job as her private pilot

[20:56] and Christy Alley is instantly threatened by this

[20:59] beautiful young rich woman, but what can she do?

[21:02] They need to support the family and so he takes the job.

[21:05] Little realizing that she has designs on him

[21:08] and also will make him work all the time

[21:11] taking away from his family.

[21:14] Now, their son wants nothing more for Christmas than a DOG.

[21:17] That's right, a dog.

[21:20] Yeah, we had to do it in our head.

[21:23] And their little girl wants nothing more

[21:26] than to defeat Charles Barkley in a one-on-one basketball game

[21:29] which we see in a fantasy sequence that has no bearing on the plot.

[21:32] And is oddly sexual.

[21:35] Yes, she stares at him on TV in a weirdly sexual way

[21:38] and it's...

[21:41] I don't know about you guys, but I was looking up

[21:44] the IMDb trivia for this scene

[21:47] and they specified that they had to slow down the basketball footage

[21:50] like a Hong Kong martial arts movie

[21:53] or else the audience wouldn't know what was going on.

[21:56] Hold on a second.

[21:59] Wait, so our basketball games slowed down

[22:02] because people watch those all the time?

[22:05] Well, normal basketball games don't happen at the speed that this little girl is dribbling the ball.

[22:08] Yeah, that's the thing. She's so good.

[22:11] And then dropping a hot dunk on Charles Barkley.

[22:14] Yeah, they did bring in a Wirefoo master

[22:17] from the Shaw Brothers stable for that scene.

[22:20] Now, he wants a dog. They don't want to get him a dog.

[22:23] They live in a tiny New York apartment in a New York

[22:26] that looks suspiciously like Los Angeles in every single way

[22:29] except that the cars have New York license plates.

[22:32] Actually, they probably shot it in Vancouver.

[22:35] So I don't know. Maybe that's what Vancouver looks like.

[22:38] Yeah, I wouldn't know.

[22:41] I've seen the movie The Score with Robert De Niro

[22:44] which takes place in Vancouver.

[22:47] And the only experience I have of The Score with Robert De Niro is

[22:50] when I mentioned it just now

[22:53] is Marlon Brando saying to Frank Oz

[22:56] that he's not one of the puppets, that he can stick his hand up his ass

[22:59] and make him do what he wants.

[23:02] My only experience with Frank Oz is watching Star Wars.

[23:05] Star Star Wars? He's not in that. He's in Empire Strikes Back.

[23:08] He's in Star Wars.

[23:11] That's the movie where Star Wars is reinterpreted using real stars.

[23:14] Andromeda, our own sun.

[23:17] Beetlegeist.

[23:20] Altair.

[23:23] Sirius, the dog star.

[23:26] Speaking of dogs, they're in this movie.

[23:29] So the son wants a dog. There's a mishap with the Santa Claus.

[23:32] Christy Alley briefly has a job as an elf at a Santa Claus thing.

[23:35] And so pretty quickly I shut off much of my brain

[23:38] because Christmas...

[23:41] Because you hate our Savior, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

[23:44] Hate is a strong word. I have no emotional connection to.

[23:47] Well, he has an emotional connection to you.

[23:50] Nope.

[23:53] And potentially an ethnic connection to him too.

[23:56] Oh, much stronger ethnic connection. Potentially.

[23:59] I'm waiting on Elliot's birth certificate.

[24:02] If you go on Finding Your Roots and they're going to do my DNA study, it's going to say 100% Christ.

[24:05] I'll check your birth certificate.

[24:08] I knew you were a secret Keebler.

[24:11] Born in a tree, huh?

[24:14] So she gets a job as an elf.

[24:17] There's a lot of Christmas in this movie.

[24:20] And the movie is very, very heavily relying on the audience

[24:23] having an emotional connection to Christmas

[24:26] and the idea of a family being together on Christmas.

[24:29] And since Christmas to me is associated with easier to get a movie ticket,

[24:32] easier to get a table at a Chinese restaurant.

[24:35] I mean, you're not a monster, right?

[24:38] I wish I was a monster.

[24:41] Since I was a kid I've wanted to be a monster.

[24:44] Can you be like a Holly Mandel little monsters monster where you're peeing in apple juice jugs?

[24:47] That I don't want to be.

[24:50] I would rather be, okay, number one, Godzilla type monster.

[24:53] Number two, a Dracula.

[24:56] Number four, a Ducula.

[24:59] Oh, sure, yeah, come on.

[25:02] Number five, Benicula.

[25:05] Yeah, there's a lot of Culas that I could be.

[25:08] Drac, Bun, Duck.

[25:11] Now would you want to be a Godzilla sized Dracula?

[25:14] That would be silly.

[25:17] How am I going to find a tuxedo big enough to wear?

[25:20] I'm just going to be a naked Dracula and that's not something anyone needs to see.

[25:23] I'm just saying that as a gentleman of the Jewish faith you can still understand the idea of

[25:26] wanting to be with your family on the holidays.

[25:29] Oh, look, I have a wife and child.

[25:32] What?

[25:35] Sorry, I was cheating on you with my family.

[25:38] You son of a bitch.

[25:41] A much more important holiday to me, Passover, is coming up at the end of the week.

[25:44] We're recording this and it's very important for me to be with my family during that holiday.

[25:47] I'm not going to make a movie about it, but maybe I will.

[25:50] I'm going to call it Passover.

[25:53] Bitter herb.

[25:56] It's like that movie Celebration, except it's at Passover.

[25:59] That was the one, right, where it turns out everything's terrible?

[26:02] I mean, yes.

[26:05] It's an ironic title.

[26:08] What?

[26:11] It's an ironic title like the comedy or entertainment.

[26:14] Yeah, what's entertainment?

[26:17] Okay, not that's entertainment, which is not ironic.

[26:20] Very entertaining.

[26:23] Or Gunsmoke.

[26:26] Also not ironic.

[26:29] Let's think of some other movies that don't have ironic titles.

[26:32] Hellraiser, not ironic.

[26:35] I raise a lot of hell.

[26:38] Candyman, he appears in it.

[26:41] Kind of ironic, though.

[26:44] They really did become her.

[26:47] They looked great.

[26:50] Now, look who's talking now.

[26:53] So they want to be together on Christmas.

[26:56] Who wouldn't want to be?

[26:59] But his job keeps taking them apart and they both worry about their marriage.

[27:02] At the same time, John Travolta, to get on his son's good side, brings him to the pound to get a dog.

[27:05] Yeah, after his son realizes that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

[27:08] Let's rewind to the introduction of Rocks, voiced by Danny DeVito,

[27:11] who is a dog who is born in a litter of dogs.

[27:14] Each of the Look Who's Talking movies, as kids' movies,

[27:17] starts with a scene that introduces sperm flying towards an egg.

[27:23] And if you had been taking bets as to whether or not this movie would feature the song Hound Dog,

[27:29] you would clean up on your bet.

[27:32] Yeah, although it is one-to-one odds.

[27:35] You would win exactly the same amount of money that you bet.

[27:39] You might as well just not make the bet.

[27:42] Now, I'll be honest with you.

[27:45] I think that seeing the original Look Who's Talking with the credits of a sperm fertilizing an egg

[27:48] may have been, up until that point,

[27:51] the most erotic thing you'd ever seen.

[27:54] I saw it at a church lock-in and it may have been the...

[27:57] What kind of monster locked you in a church?

[28:00] It may have been the clearest explanation of how an egg is fertilized

[28:04] that I'd seen or understood up until that point.

[28:07] I saw this in early high school

[28:10] and it is the state of sex education in this country

[28:13] that Look Who's Talking probably got it across the clearest,

[28:16] what the deal was.

[28:19] Well, did they show you the PG-rated cut or did they show you the R-rated cut

[28:22] where you actually see the penis's head enter?

[28:25] And then the urethra opened like the maw of a sandworm?

[28:28] Just spewing it out.

[28:32] That didn't happen.

[28:35] But in here, it's dog sperm and dog eggs.

[28:38] A litter is born where the one that nobody wants, the runt, if you will,

[28:41] is Rox, played by Danny DeVito.

[28:44] Voiced by Danny DeVito, although I'm assuming...

[28:47] He's not in his dog costume.

[28:50] Yeah, when they were blocking out the scenes, he and Diane Keaton put on dog outfits.

[28:53] He and Diane Keaton put on dog outfits and they staged it and they go,

[28:56] OK, bring in the real dogs.

[29:00] What if they shot the whole thing with Diane Keaton and Danny DeVito in dog costumes?

[29:03] They're like, this doesn't look good at all.

[29:06] We'll just CGI some dogs in there over them.

[29:09] I just want to imagine these little kids acting with Danny DeVito on all fours.

[29:15] And Diane Keaton on all fours, wearing horrific latex dog masks.

[29:20] And Danny DeVito is so excited on the premiere to see himself in the movie.

[29:23] He's just, what? What are they?

[29:26] All right, and walks out so angry.

[29:29] This is the Lorax all over again, even though that hasn't been made yet.

[29:32] So what did you say, Stuart?

[29:35] I would have been really sad because Rhea Perlman, I'm sure,

[29:38] dressed up really nice to see her boy all up on the big screen.

[29:41] Yeah, she had a diamond dog-shaped brooch.

[29:44] Mother of Pearl.

[29:47] He wore his costume to the premiere.

[29:50] They didn't even know it was him. They just thought it was some crazy dog man.

[29:53] And they shooed him away with a broom.

[29:56] They shooed him.

[30:00] I'm going out of here, go back to RIF.

[30:02] Yep, they shot him.

[30:04] Oh no.

[30:06] You gotta understand,

[30:08] you gotta understand, it's me, Daniel DeVito.

[30:10] Sure, sure it is.

[30:12] The Limoncello Magnate, Danny DeVito.

[30:14] Limoncello

[30:16] Magnate.

[30:18] Last time I checked, Danny DeVito wasn't half

[30:20] man, half dog, you freak.

[30:22] It's me, John Candy from Spaceballs.

[30:24] Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. Barf, it's great

[30:26] to meet you. Come in, Mr. Mog.

[30:28] Mr. Mog

[30:30] with Michael Keaton.

[30:32] Mr. Mog is my father.

[30:34] Call me Bernie Mog.

[30:36] Now anyway,

[30:38] Rox, he

[30:40] briefly pals around with a homeless man.

[30:42] That doesn't work out because he gets caught by

[30:44] the animal control person. Yeah, we get a lot of shots of a dog running

[30:46] around and Danny DeVito providing

[30:48] voiceover. And Danny DeVito

[30:50] just throwing jokes, maybe ad-libbed,

[30:52] maybe not, onto the screen.

[30:54] You have to assume Danny DeVito

[30:56] and Diane Keaton each did their jobs

[30:58] for this movie in about 90 minutes,

[31:00] maybe two hours. One can only hope.

[31:02] He goes to the pound.

[31:04] Can we do another take on that, Mr. DeVito?

[31:06] No? All right. Thank you.

[31:08] Miss Keaton, another take.

[31:10] Okay. I prefer to think Diane Keaton

[31:12] kept them there really late trying to get

[31:14] every line perfect. Yeah.

[31:16] She's like, you don't understand. This is Diane

[31:18] Keaton you're talking about. Everything

[31:20] I do is important to you. I have to become

[31:22] Daphne the dog.

[31:24] Rox gets...

[31:26] He's about to be destroyed at the pound.

[31:28] But luckily, John Travolta and his son

[31:30] save him by adopting him.

[31:32] But when they get home, they find that John Travolta's

[31:34] boss, the sexy British lady,

[31:36] she's British too,

[31:38] has given them

[31:40] a super fancy poodle dog

[31:42] with the voice of Diane Keaton.

[31:44] Again, as we explained, not played

[31:46] by Diane Keaton. Although, probably.

[31:48] We can only assume

[31:50] the mo-cap was done by Diane Keaton

[31:52] in real life.

[31:54] These dogs are a handful. Daphne

[31:56] needs all the special treatment and Rox

[31:58] is always chewing up the shoes.

[32:00] It was sort of charming to see

[32:02] old-style dogs

[32:04] talking in a movie where they didn't feel like they needed

[32:06] to... Old-style dogs?

[32:08] Yeah, my dogs say, yeah.

[32:10] They didn't have the technique. Here in Dogs

[32:12] in Art 6, we talk like

[32:14] this. I mean, they didn't have...

[32:16] We still play poker around here, not those

[32:18] game boys.

[32:20] Oh, I want to see a dogs playing

[32:22] game boys painting so badly now.

[32:24] Game boys?

[32:26] Fucking Tetris? Maybe one of them is

[32:28] playing Lynx.

[32:30] The other ones are all playing Tetris and not talking to each other.

[32:32] That's the modern thing that dogs do.

[32:34] They play game boys.

[32:36] I don't know.

[32:38] Candy Crush. But game boys mean something

[32:40] to me, you were saying.

[32:42] They don't have animated...

[32:44] That started with Babe.

[32:46] It's not like they had the technology back then.

[32:48] That's right.

[32:50] They animated John Goodman's mouth.

[32:52] See, I always thought they just put peanut butter on his teeth

[32:54] so that he would look like he was talking.

[32:56] That's right.

[32:58] In fact, look who's talking.

[33:00] That's John Goodman in that movie.

[33:02] Yeah, but you're right. There's no animated

[33:04] mouths. There's no puppets.

[33:06] It's just a dog with a... Yeah, it's kind of fun to see the old-style

[33:08] of, I don't know,

[33:10] just putting a voice over

[33:12] a dog. I've got to tell you, Dan, I'm nostalgic

[33:14] for a lot of old movie production techniques.

[33:16] Not one that plucked at my heartstrings.

[33:18] Oh, the laziest

[33:20] thing. They're just having someone talk over

[33:22] footage of a dog. Yeah, they don't even try and match

[33:24] it up to the dog flapping its gums.

[33:26] Or even the dog doing an action that

[33:28] matches the dialogue sometimes.

[33:30] And they're able to communicate with each other,

[33:32] so I guess they're all telekinetic?

[33:34] No, telepathic?

[33:36] Yeah, that has to be because they're not even growling.

[33:38] They're just thinking. Or is that

[33:40] them communicating using pheromones?

[33:42] It's the old question of the Garfield comic strip,

[33:44] isn't it? I mean, because those are all thoughts.

[33:46] Yeah, but that's my question.

[33:48] My real question is, how does this cat

[33:50] eat so much fucking lasagna?

[33:52] He's very fat. Garfield thinks

[33:54] something. Does Odie hear it?

[33:56] I think there's no evidence

[33:58] to believe Odie does hear it.

[34:00] Nermal, on the other hand, he seems to be communicating with.

[34:02] Yeah. That could be

[34:04] all body language. The look who's talking

[34:06] to,

[34:08] there the kids did the same thing.

[34:10] They just kind of thought at each other,

[34:12] so they could understand and have conversation.

[34:14] Which, having grown up with a sibling,

[34:16] that is not how it works. Not at all.

[34:18] You have to communicate

[34:20] through a series of complicated fart codes.

[34:22] See, that was because they had

[34:24] the grace of babies. It was before they had

[34:26] sin, Elliot.

[34:28] So they had the power of telekinesis.

[34:30] I thought we were born telekinetic.

[34:32] Telepathy. I thought telekinesis.

[34:34] Yep.

[34:36] It's a good life all over again.

[34:38] He was born and the pain

[34:40] was so much that he destroyed the world with his telekinetic powers.

[34:42] There's that deleted scene where they wish

[34:44] John Travolta into the court field.

[34:46] And he just starts dancing in it or whatever.

[34:48] Now,

[34:50] oh yes,

[34:52] they've got these dogs.

[34:54] The two dogs don't like each other.

[34:56] It's a real, I mean, I guess

[34:58] Hollywood had never made a movie before about

[35:00] a rich, fancy dog

[35:02] first having trouble with

[35:04] and then falling in love with, let's just call it a tramp

[35:06] for lack of a better word.

[35:08] A dirty, vagabond dog.

[35:10] And there's a scene where they almost

[35:12] have spaghetti with each other.

[35:14] I mean, you've got to give them

[35:16] credit for an original gag.

[35:18] That's the scene where they leave a sleeping Kirstie Alley

[35:20] and then go out on the town

[35:22] and walk past a full restaurant

[35:24] of people eating giant pasta meals.

[35:26] A full Italian, I assume it's an Olive Garden.

[35:28] It's open late.

[35:30] Either an all-night pasta place or Kirstie Alley

[35:32] goes to bed at six or something.

[35:34] She's very tired from taking care of these kids

[35:36] and Roosevelt is jetting around with his posh,

[35:38] spice boss.

[35:40] Okay, Christmas is coming.

[35:42] Ah!

[35:44] This movie does not let you forget it

[35:46] for a second.

[35:48] It is constantly Christmasing up.

[35:50] Another mark

[35:52] in the direction of this not having been shot

[35:54] in New York is that literally until

[35:56] the day of Christmas, it does not look

[35:58] cold at all, anywhere.

[36:00] So,

[36:02] we're introduced to the idea

[36:04] that the little boy wants a dog

[36:06] and it's September?

[36:08] Uh...

[36:10] Is he going back to school?

[36:12] Yeah, he's working on his Christmas list

[36:14] in September and he says he wants a dog

[36:16] and that's roughly around the same time as

[36:18] Danny DeVito's dog squirts out of the

[36:20] Mommy Dog stuff.

[36:22] So that means between

[36:24] September and...

[36:26] Between September

[36:28] and, let's say, December,

[36:30] he becomes a pretty large dog.

[36:32] Let's say December, since that's when Christmas is.

[36:34] Let's just say December.

[36:36] I hadn't realized that, but it makes more sense

[36:38] than if the whole movie takes place in December,

[36:40] in which case Rocks would be like a jack of a dog

[36:42] where he ages four times faster

[36:44] than everybody else.

[36:46] It's a really sad movie.

[36:48] Dog's already aged seven times as fast as humans.

[36:50] He's a Solomon Grundy of a dog.

[36:52] That he was born on a Monday?

[36:54] Yep, but he just

[36:56] lives a week, right?

[36:58] Because he's a mayfly.

[37:00] There's a whole lot of kerfuffle

[37:02] over Christmas.

[37:04] Is John Travolta going to make it there?

[37:06] He keeps promising,

[37:08] I'll be home for Christmas.

[37:10] Meanwhile,

[37:12] Christy Alley and John Travolta are

[37:14] kind of suspecting each other

[37:16] of being unfaithful.

[37:18] This is illustrated by a

[37:20] Double Dream sequence in which

[37:22] John Travolta dances with his boss,

[37:24] a tango of some kind,

[37:26] and Christy Alley is just

[37:28] making out with George Segal

[37:30] as Santa Claus.

[37:32] Because earlier on in the movie,

[37:34] we didn't mention this,

[37:36] Christy Alley, after she gets a pink slip

[37:38] from her high-powered business job,

[37:40] the only job she can find is as an elf

[37:42] in a mall Santa Claus.

[37:44] In a mall Santa Claus?

[37:46] Inside a mall Santa Claus.

[37:48] Do the kids fall into his butt with his elf in there?

[37:50] He hands them presents.

[37:52] Hey, how you doing? Have a spleen.

[37:54] Don't tell him I'm in here.

[37:56] It's very warm and I don't have to pay rent.

[37:58] That entrance makes the most sense

[38:00] because it's probably the lowest entrance

[38:02] to the ground, depending on dick length.

[38:04] Wait, so...

[38:06] Alright.

[38:08] I mean, we can get out a tape measure.

[38:10] I forgot. You know what?

[38:12] Forget I introduced the idea of entering

[38:14] Santa's butt.

[38:16] Let's just erase that from our minds.

[38:18] But the decision on what entrance to use

[38:20] is completely made on lowness to the ground.

[38:22] The kids!

[38:24] Are they going to get out of Steps 12?

[38:26] I'm just checking.

[38:28] Kids are like water.

[38:30] They choose the path of least resistance.

[38:32] They go into the first hole they find, dude.

[38:34] Yeah, they're like golf balls or gophers.

[38:38] Okay.

[38:40] It's common.

[38:42] I know a couple of things.

[38:44] That's one of them. The other is get on the floor.

[38:46] Wait. Open the door. Get on the floor.

[38:48] Everybody walk the dinosaur.

[38:50] Those are the things you know.

[38:52] Two things I know.

[38:54] There's a filing cabinet.

[38:56] On the outside it says

[38:58] things I know.

[39:00] This is in his brain.

[39:02] Zoom into Stuart's brain.

[39:04] There's a file cabinet with spiderwebs all over it

[39:06] that says things I know.

[39:08] And it's mostly drink recipes

[39:10] and what different boobs look like.

[39:12] And there's a

[39:14] video cabinet next to it

[39:16] that just has Head of the Family, Invisible Maniac,

[39:18] and Castle Freak.

[39:20] Yep.

[39:22] And then there's the fact

[39:24] that you, a kid, enters through the lowest entrance

[39:26] to the floor.

[39:28] And also the steps to walking the dinosaur.

[39:30] Okay, I open the door.

[39:32] I think I can walk the dinosaur now.

[39:34] Whoa, whoa, let me check. I didn't get on the floor.

[39:36] Yeah, you'll get crushed.

[39:40] So

[39:42] they have a double dream sequence

[39:44] where the dreams start interacting with each other.

[39:46] Yeah, and this is actually

[39:48] kind of a fun scene.

[39:50] It's silly.

[39:52] It plays with what you can do in film,

[39:54] I guess you could say.

[39:56] Yeah.

[39:58] At this point, John Travolta

[40:00] is more... Woah, John Travolta is more charming as a...

[40:04] Is John Travolta entering the room?

[40:06] Brrp, brrp, brrp, brrp.

[40:08] What, are you making fun of my movie?

[40:10] This is me, John Travolta.

[40:12] I was going to say, John Travolta does do a lot of voices in the movie.

[40:15] He seems to have thought, like, I do a lot of good voices, I'll bring them all out.

[40:19] Stuart, so you were saying, John Travolta.

[40:21] Well, I'm just saying that he is a very charming dance performer.

[40:25] And that's kind of what... Before Pulp Fiction, that was kind of what he was known for, right?

[40:29] Was his dancing skills?

[40:30] Well, because of Saturday Night Fever, along with Welcome Back, Hotter, I guess.

[40:33] Like, those are the things that made him a star.

[40:35] And yeah, dancing was something that he always had in his back pocket.

[40:38] That he, when you look back at his career, like, didn't use anywhere near as much as you'd think he would.

[40:43] I mean, he dances a lot in, like, fuckin' Phenomenon or Michael.

[40:47] Which is the one where he's, like, magic?

[40:49] Michael is the one where he's an angel.

[40:51] Phenomenon is the one where he has a tumor that gives him telekinetic powers.

[40:54] Ugh, okay.

[40:55] I've just seen him in Roadhouse in Michael, where he's dancing around.

[40:57] Yeah, I think after Pulp Fiction...

[40:59] Which is the one where he's dancing to Spirit in the Sky.

[41:01] That's Michael.

[41:02] Okay.

[41:03] So, after Pulp Fiction, I think people were like, oh yeah, this guy can dance.

[41:06] So they shoehorned dancing into, like, almost all of his movies.

[41:09] But, like, in Get Shorty, he doesn't dance, right?

[41:11] No. No, I don't think so.

[41:13] He just throws James Gandolfini down a staircase, which was another talent he had that people forgot about him.

[41:18] Gandolfini throwing.

[41:21] He silver-medaled in the Olympics.

[41:23] So they're dancing.

[41:24] Kirstie Alley enters John Travolta's dream and is like, oh, this is just a dream.

[41:28] We're not really cheating on each other.

[41:29] And Kirstie Alley goes, if this is a dream, I can do whatever I want.

[41:32] And she makes the blonde lady disappear, revealing just two boob implants, which fall...

[41:37] It's like saline bags that fall to the ground.

[41:39] That doesn't make any sense at all.

[41:40] Or silicone bags.

[41:41] If her clothes disappear, why do those not disappear?

[41:43] I mean, maybe that, like, the Lord doesn't...

[41:45] Like, because it's not technically part of her body, he considers them unclean and so doesn't accept her spirit.

[41:51] Yeah, he's not going to rapture her.

[41:52] Yeah, she was sending John Travolta back to kill John Connor.

[41:55] And so, like, she couldn't bring the non-organic material with her, I guess.

[41:59] That makes sense, yeah.

[42:00] But there was...

[42:01] It's like one of the many jokes in the movie where, like, this is, I guess, a family movie.

[42:06] But there's some...

[42:08] I guess the early 90s was a time of very sexualized jokes in family movies.

[42:12] Well, I guess nowadays they have that too.

[42:13] They do it all the time.

[42:14] Yeah.

[42:15] Actually, you know what?

[42:16] You've got to keep the parents interested.

[42:18] I forgot.

[42:19] I'm going to hell on a fucking hand back here.

[42:21] Have you seen the way these kids dress nowadays?

[42:23] Crazy.

[42:24] What with the backwards baseball caps?

[42:27] And those fucking shoes with the wheels in the heel.

[42:30] Where are they going?

[42:31] What do they got to do that they got to get there so fucking fast?

[42:34] You guys reminded me.

[42:35] I forgot that one day a real rain is going to come and wash the scum off the street in the form of kids.

[42:39] Now, and they dance together kind of in a Stair Rogers type classic dance routine.

[42:45] And long story short, it all comes to a head on Christmas

[42:50] where the boss creates an elaborate ruse to get John Travolta alone with her in a cabin in a blizzard that I guess she arranged with somebody.

[42:59] She's very wealthy.

[43:00] She unplugs the phone slash fax machine.

[43:02] It's 1993, so that he can't call out and begins to seduce him by pretending she doesn't know how to dance, and he's got to teach her.

[43:10] Kirstie Alley is back at home with her mom, Olympia Dukakis, and the kids and her dad who has no lines in the film.

[43:16] He does nod once.

[43:18] That's true.

[43:19] He does not.

[43:20] He got paid sag scale for that nod.

[43:23] And she says, you know what?

[43:25] We're not going to spend Christmas without him.

[43:27] We're going to go find him because apparently they're going to spend Christmas with the cranks.

[43:32] Oh, no.

[43:33] The cranks don't want to celebrate Christmas with you.

[43:35] They're tired of it.

[43:36] So she says, Mom and Dad, you don't have that many years left.

[43:41] See you later.

[43:45] Each one of these Christmases is something I cherish.

[43:47] You got to split.

[43:49] Here's the Kahlua.

[43:50] Hang out here.

[43:51] And they pile in the car.

[43:54] They drive up to the upstate New York cabin where John Travolta is staying.

[43:58] But it's a snowy road and a tree has fallen and blocked the path.

[44:02] I guess because either the wind knocked it down or the American soldiers are trying to block the Hessians from making their way through Brooklyn to force them across the Gowanus Creek and back into Manhattan.

[44:13] But they don't know about the headless Hessian who rides through those woods.

[44:17] Luckily, if you cross a bridge, he has no powers.

[44:20] Oh, okay.

[44:21] What if you cross Jeff Bridges because he's mad at me?

[44:25] Yeah.

[44:26] You cross Jeff Bridges just by making him angry.

[44:29] Then, yes.

[44:30] The Hessian soldier can't get to you anymore.

[44:32] You should be building Jeff Bridges.

[44:34] And not burning Jeff Bridges.

[44:37] Bo Bridges doesn't have any effect.

[44:41] Yeah, so don't play that card in Magic the Gathering.

[44:44] You're going to spend four forest mana to bring in Bo Bridges.

[44:48] You tap him, and it literally says, has no effect.

[44:52] Thanks.

[44:53] Thanks, Maximum Bob.

[44:55] Yeah, you keep it because it's a foil card and it's rare.

[44:58] Yeah, I mean it's worth something, but you don't have to put it in your playing deck.

[45:01] You put it in your deck because you're like, I like alliteration, I guess.

[45:04] I want to show off that I have this, but I just hope Dingus Egg comes up instead.

[45:09] Or what was that?

[45:10] Prodigal Sorcerer or something?

[45:12] That was the one where it would hit you for one life and the really slimy kids would just play it over and over again.

[45:18] So I didn't actually play that much Magic the Gathering, nerd.

[45:23] Now I feel nerdy.

[45:25] Anyway, so they pile into the car.

[45:28] This tree gets in their way.

[45:29] They drive down a hill, and they're stuck.

[45:32] Christy Alley, at this point –

[45:34] At this point, she starts eating her children, I guess.

[45:37] She's trapped in the car with her children in the middle of a snowstorm.

[45:40] She is as calm as I could imagine any parent being in that situation.

[45:44] She's like, hey, kids, let's start opening presents, and I guess I'll go out and get a stick and then walk around.

[45:49] And luckily all her gifts are like cold-weather survival gear.

[45:54] Yeah, they're opening up hats and earmuffs.

[45:55] They brought the dogs with them.

[45:56] An ice axe? Hooray!

[45:59] A sternostove? Fantastic.

[46:02] They brought the dogs with them too because, of course, you're driving in the winter.

[46:06] You want to bring two animals that can't be put in seatbelts and can only jump in your lap and make you swerve off the road.

[46:12] And that comes in handy when a wolf comes by.

[46:16] And this wolf is the best character in the movie by far.

[46:20] He's got a Catalan accent.

[46:22] He has the fayest voice.

[46:24] He's either Catalan or he's coded as gay.

[46:27] This wolf is, for some reason, coded as a gay black man on the DL.

[46:33] He's like a still-in-the-closet Titus Andromedon from Kimmy Schmidt.

[46:39] I was going to say Titus Androgynous, which is a Flophouse joke.

[46:42] Not a real thing.

[46:44] And he fights with Rox, and Rox fights him off.

[46:48] He doesn't fight.

[46:49] He doesn't throw Rox.

[46:50] No, no, no.

[46:51] We're talking about Rox the character.

[46:52] Rox the dog.

[46:53] By this point also, Rox the dog and Daphne the dog are in love.

[46:56] Yeah.

[46:57] So we get – we are greeted to a classic Jack London call of the wild situation where Rox has to face off against – we'll call him Spitz, I guess.

[47:06] Yeah.

[47:07] Let's call him gay wolf.

[47:10] I mean there's a laser wolf, but I guess he's not gay.

[47:15] No, and he wants to marry Tidal because he's lonely.

[47:18] What were we talking about?

[47:20] Okay, wolf.

[47:21] Fiddler on the roof.

[47:23] So Fiddler on the Wolf is the story of a family of wolves who are Jewish, and they've got two marks against them.

[47:30] One, they're Jewish and czarist Russia.

[47:31] That's tough.

[47:32] Two, they're wolves.

[47:33] So even the right human Jews don't want them around.

[47:36] So they've got to go to America.

[47:38] It's called An American Tale, T-A-I-L, Fiddler on the Wolf, part two, The Reckoning.

[47:45] I'm trying to come up with puns for the songs.

[47:50] Somewhere out, wolf.

[47:52] Yep, perfect.

[47:53] There are no whatever kills wolves in America, and the streets are paved with whatever wolves eat.

[47:59] Silver, yeah, yeah.

[48:00] Silver.

[48:01] Silver kills wolves.

[48:02] That's deadly to these wolves.

[48:04] Now the sequel, Fiddler on the Wolf Goes West, tells the story of the same characters, but they go west.

[48:11] How far west?

[48:12] Too far west.

[48:13] They drown in the Pacific Ocean.

[48:14] Oh, no.

[48:15] Don't worry.

[48:16] Luckily, they're saved by?

[48:19] Sea turtles?

[48:20] Poseidon?

[48:21] Both.

[48:22] Poseidon riding a sea turtle.

[48:23] Okay.

[48:24] And Captain Caveman.

[48:25] We're reintroducing the character.

[48:26] We're rebooting him for the 21st century as like a gritty Captain Caveman character.

[48:30] Okay.

[48:31] He's more savage.

[48:32] He kills people.

[48:33] He's got like a giant caveman penis and balls hanging out.

[48:37] What?

[48:38] Wait, what?

[48:39] You're so into penis and balls tonight.

[48:41] I thought you were saying dark and gritty.

[48:43] I don't understand how that's – do the dark – Christopher Nolan super movies have all giant penises hanging out?

[48:50] I thought we were just blue sky.

[48:53] You're right.

[48:54] There's no bad ideas in this room except for that one.

[48:56] Yeah, I didn't know there was all this judgment.

[48:58] I've got to say, nothing would be less dark and gritty than if superheroes walked around with their penises hanging out.

[49:03] Yeah, going whoo, whoo, whoo.

[49:05] As they're spinning around in circles.

[49:07] Yeah, as they're spinning around.

[49:09] How's he going to fly around?

[49:10] Oh, I guess he's got that club with a little bird in it.

[49:12] Oh, no, the club now, because it's dark and gritty, it's just a club.

[49:15] It just beats people.

[49:16] The only way that superheroes could activate their powers is by doing a little pinwheel penis action.

[49:21] Frederick Wertham would have been right.

[49:23] He would have been right that comic books were distorting sexually and in delinquent ways the juveniles of America.

[49:29] That was the only way they could activate their powers.

[49:32] But Dr. Wertham, my character, the pinwheel, is just an innocent man who got bitten by a radioactive penis.

[49:40] And now he has to use his penis for powers.

[49:42] I don't know where to start with telling you what's wrong or problematic, at the very least, with that synopsis.

[49:48] Okay, my character Batman, he bats things away with his penis when crooks throw them at him.

[49:54] And Robin, that's his underage lover.

[49:57] He just lives with his ward called Junior Boy.

[50:00] That's actually an old seat across the sea salt served in the Merchant Marine during the Spanish American War.

[50:11] OK, so he fights off the wolf and then goes on.

[50:15] He suddenly smells John Travolta somewhere, probably because John Travolta is so turned on by his boss and he's pheromoning like crazy.

[50:21] Yeah, musky.

[50:22] And he runs off to get that blousey shirt.

[50:25] And you know how sometimes that just traps the smell.

[50:27] Yeah, yeah. And then whenever you move, it gets released through your neck hole and your sleeve holes, which that was also the time where the sleeve holes and the neck holes were meant to be super tight.

[50:36] But everything else is extra blousey.

[50:38] It was very billowy.

[50:39] It was a very billowy time.

[50:41] Everyone wanted to look like a circus tent.

[50:43] That was just the fashion.

[50:45] So John Travolta, meanwhile, it's like old times where you if you're fat, it shows you've got extra money.

[50:51] And this thing, Casey's like, if you have extra fabric, you'd only buy shirts that fit you.

[50:57] Yeah, you wouldn't get all this extra voluminous fabric that makes you look like you're drowning in a parachute.

[51:04] So John Travolta at this point is on to his boss.

[51:07] She unplugged the phone and she's trying to seduce him.

[51:10] He drops her on the ground and drops her from his heart.

[51:13] And when she says you're fired, he's OK with it.

[51:16] Rock shows up at the door.

[51:17] We have an immediate turnaround.

[51:19] Yeah. They're like, look, we we need to end this movie now.

[51:23] Let's just wrap this up super fast.

[51:24] I mean, to be fair, John Travolta would never seems to be attracted to his boss throughout the movie.

[51:29] It was more like she was always coming on to him, but he was always like, all this work, I don't know what to do about it.

[51:35] It was kind of like that movie Obsession, where you're supposed to believe that Idris Elba is being tempted away by this woman.

[51:41] But at no point does he actually seem tempted.

[51:43] And also he's married to Beyonce in that movie, right?

[51:45] Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the most attractive women in the world.

[51:48] I mean, it boggles the mind.

[51:50] But anyway, so Rocks finds John Travolta.

[51:53] Meanwhile, Daphne runs off and discovers how to be a wild dog and smells where the park rangers are, gets them, brings them back to, say, Percy Alley.

[52:02] Rocks takes John Travolta back to the cabin.

[52:04] But along the way, the wolf comes back with his friends, other wolves, and a fight breaks out.

[52:10] John Travolta shows up with a ragged bandana, the bandana that Rocks was wearing and says, oh, I was attacked by wolves and Rocks saved me.

[52:18] And here he is.

[52:19] Rocks walks in. Everyone was worried that Rocks was dead.

[52:23] Yeah, they waited outside for a second.

[52:25] They're like, this will be a hilarious Christmas prank.

[52:27] We'll make everyone believe you're dead.

[52:29] Do we prank people on Christmas, boss?

[52:31] Is that what we do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[52:32] It's the thing we do on Christmas.

[52:33] We prank people. We prank people on every holiday.

[52:35] I was like, wait, my pranks are amazing.

[52:37] Am I technically your boss or is that like a new nickname?

[52:41] Do I have to pay you?

[52:42] Well, you already pay me in food.

[52:44] So, yeah, basically, should I be contributing to like pension and health for you?

[52:48] Yeah, plan for my future, boss.

[52:51] So John Travolta comes to the ranger station to find his family.

[52:55] I'm only assuming since we don't see him, the rangers in the back room,

[52:58] like slowly oiling a pistol to commit suicide because his one moment of happiness

[53:04] and family connection has been stripped from him.

[53:06] Yeah, by these squatters.

[53:08] But the ranger turns up his radio and they hear Santa Claus over the radio.

[53:12] The boy's faith in Santa is rekindled and the movie's over.

[53:17] Or so you think, because that's when the craziness starts.

[53:20] Yeah, this is the best part of the movie.

[53:22] At the at the very end of the movie, during the credits, we were all expect.

[53:26] I at least was expecting us a shot of like rocks and Daphne,

[53:30] the dogs running around and then a bunch of fucking puppies

[53:33] that look like each of them chasing after them or a bunch of bloopers.

[53:36] Let's just face it. Yeah, bloops.

[53:37] Run of the mill bloops or like little versions of the two babies

[53:42] running. What to to signify the passage of time?

[53:48] Yeah, I don't know.

[53:49] But instead, suddenly the way that things are filmed gets changed.

[53:52] And I joked like, oh, here comes the music video

[53:55] because it looked like a music video, a different film stock.

[53:58] And it turns out, no, it actually was a musical video from famous

[54:03] baby, baby, baby, musical star Jordi.

[54:10] Now, you may not remember Jordi.

[54:11] That's because he is a French novelty act who had his first hit

[54:15] when he was a baby.

[54:16] And Santa Claus stops by the house, a different house

[54:19] than we've seen previously in the film I'm living in, and shoves

[54:23] this super cool, rad kid in sunglasses and a backwards hat

[54:27] and neon clothes down the chimney where the two kid stars of the movie are playing.

[54:32] This kid, this at first I thought it was like an Oliver Twist thing.

[54:36] And Santa was like Santa bringing a new kid.

[54:39] Is that what's going on?

[54:40] Is this a stork?

[54:41] Did the movie forget from the beginning of the film how babies are made?

[54:45] And now Santa delivers them.

[54:47] This kid delivers a message.

[54:50] French kid.

[54:51] Like French, not quite rap, not quite techno,

[54:54] not at all rock and roll song about how it's Christmas.

[54:57] And with the laziest delivery, I think any performing child has ever had.

[55:02] He's like, hey, cool kid.

[55:03] You're so cool.

[55:04] You don't really have to move when you dance.

[55:05] Yeah. And he and he thinks about how it's Christmas.

[55:08] Yeah. He brings Christmas.

[55:10] It's called It's Christmas, Say Noel.

[55:12] Say Noel, yeah. It's Christmas, Say Noel.

[55:14] And he brings to life with magic dust the dolls of the world

[55:18] that Cinderella has gotten.

[55:20] And then it turns out they're all in a dollhouse.

[55:22] And Christy Alley and Don Travolta have been sleeping through most of this.

[55:25] And they wake up and they're like peering into the dollhouse and seeing,

[55:28] I assume with horror, that their children have been miniaturized

[55:31] like a bunch of Stuart Littles and are now trapped inside this dollhouse

[55:34] with a functioning fireplace.

[55:36] And we're being led to Santa like a Pied Piper situation.

[55:40] I have to say, if I was them, I would see Santa on the roof and grab him

[55:42] like King Kong and shake him and be like, what have you done to my children?

[55:46] We'll bring them back or I'm going to crush your old elf skull.

[55:49] I've watched enough Puppet Master movies and Demonic Toys movies

[55:52] to know that that doesn't work

[55:53] because he turned his hands into buzz saws and chop your wrist off.

[55:56] That's a very good point.

[55:57] I don't want to over six guns.

[55:59] I don't want to overstate the final credits to this movie,

[56:02] but we watched the rest of this movie,

[56:04] you know, mostly like a normal flophouse movie.

[56:06] And then as soon as the credits hit, hysterical laughter,

[56:10] like we hit hyperdrive, nonstop laughter.

[56:14] We couldn't catch our breath.

[56:16] Tears flying from our faces like lusty Japanese characters in cartoons.

[56:22] And it was like that.

[56:24] Yeah, it was I think because the movie is pretty boring and dull.

[56:28] It's a normal it's just it's just a by the numbers Christmas family movie

[56:32] with talking dogs.

[56:34] And then suddenly and also very American.

[56:37] It is such a snapshot of America, middle class white America in 1993.

[56:42] And then suddenly this the door to madness flies

[56:46] open only the way that a European novelty act can do.

[56:50] It just becomes crazy.

[56:52] And you're like, what is this?

[56:54] What rules of the universe is this playing by?

[56:57] Because it has nothing like I expect there to at least be a dog in this music

[57:00] video, but there's no dogs.

[57:03] But it is crazy.

[57:05] It's the message that it's Christmas.

[57:08] It's Christmas. Yeah.

[57:10] It's it's worth watching the movie to get to that point,

[57:13] because I feel like it's not going to have the full impact

[57:15] unless you see the whole film.

[57:17] Yeah. Oh, boy. Howdy.

[57:20] You know, what I liked about this movie is how much of it takes place.

[57:24] So much of the scenes are the kids and the dogs

[57:28] running around this tiny little apartment.

[57:30] And it feels like they're trapped.

[57:32] They're like one act play.

[57:34] Yeah, it's the it's the exterminating angel or no exit or something.

[57:39] Well, we should give our final judgments in this movie.

[57:41] We've gone way along.

[57:42] Is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie or movie you kind of like?

[57:46] I'm going to I'm honestly because it's such a snapshot

[57:49] of early 90s America, as you said,

[57:53] and because maybe in no small part of the little push over the edge,

[57:59] that final music video is a madness.

[58:02] Yeah, I'm going to give it a marginal good, bad movie.

[58:05] I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I expected.

[58:10] Maybe it's because of the I think it's almost

[58:13] it's almost certainly because of the curve that we're grading these things on.

[58:17] And also because you thought Danny DeVito was hilarious.

[58:20] Yeah. As the wisecracking dragon dog rocks.

[58:22] This is a wisecracking.

[58:24] Yeah. Tomorrow, Dan's going to have to smear some bruise cream on his knees

[58:28] because he was slapping those knees and all them jokes.

[58:31] Dan, I'm glad that you finally tied your sides shut because they were splitting.

[58:36] I know. Actually, I agree with you, because I think similar to Golden Child,

[58:41] if you grew up in the same years that I grew up in, then just looking at the clothes

[58:45] that everybody's wearing in this makes it worth having fun watching.

[58:48] And yeah, that video at the end is like, what?

[58:51] I almost wish we hadn't mentioned it so that people would be able

[58:54] to discover it on their own.

[58:55] But I'm going to say marginal good, bad.

[58:57] It's not it's not so bad that it's fun, but it's like if you want to see a movie

[59:02] where every outfit people wear is a crazy trip back in time 20 years ago.

[59:07] Then yeah, go for it, Stu.

[59:08] Yeah. Let's do three for three, guys.

[59:10] Marginal good, bad.

[59:12] It's a watch watch with somebody you love

[59:16] for a dog movie that opens up with dogs talking to each other

[59:19] and then dog sperm flying toward an egg.

[59:22] And it ends with a little French kid rapping about Christmas.

[59:26] It's great.

[59:28] And in between, it's all hats and puffy shirts.

[59:31] Yeah. Yeah.

[59:33] Watch this thing.

[59:35] New to Maximum Fun, the Beef and Dairy Network podcast,

[59:39] the number one podcast for those involved or just interested

[59:42] in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

[59:44] All sponsored by Grazex, the latest grass replacement pellet from Mitchell's.

[59:49] If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck.

[59:51] Find us at MaximumFun.org or on iTunes or wherever you get your podcast from.

[59:55] And if it's not clear, this is a comedy podcast beef out.

[1:00:00] Okay, so, wow, that's three for three.

[1:00:05] That's final judgments.

[1:00:06] What's it time for now?

[1:00:08] Now it's time for a little bit of Flophouse housecleaning?

[1:00:12] Is it Flophouse housework or...

[1:00:14] You call it that, nobody else calls it that.

[1:00:16] Or I'll just call it J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[1:00:19] Jumbotron?

[1:00:22] Today's Jumbotron message reads, an idiotic man named Dink is pulled into several tales

[1:00:29] of intrigue around the world, coming into contact with ghosts, UFO cults, undead pirates,

[1:00:35] and roving gangs of clowns.

[1:00:38] These are my own honest words, I swear.

[1:00:41] This book is great.

[1:00:43] It's called Dink, and it's really, really funny.

[1:00:46] If you want to learn more, why don't you go visit www.dinkthebook.com, that's all one

[1:00:51] word, or just search for L. P. Wallinger on Amazon.com.

[1:00:58] That's the author.

[1:01:00] You won't know what the clue is until you Google it.

[1:01:03] Yep.

[1:01:04] So, yeah, check that out.

[1:01:06] And if you'd like to have your message on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash

[1:01:11] Jumbotron.

[1:01:13] Yep.

[1:01:15] And if you'd like a real-life Jumbotron, just get a big movie screen and project Tron on

[1:01:19] it.

[1:01:20] Jumbos.

[1:01:21] Project Tron on the side of an elephant.

[1:01:22] Operation Jumbodrop.

[1:01:23] Operation Jumbodrop.

[1:01:26] But now it's time to move on to letters from listeners.

[1:01:30] Your favorite segment, my favorite segment, his favorite segment.

[1:01:34] Who's he?

[1:01:35] Who knows?

[1:01:36] This is a spoken word version of one of my songs.

[1:01:39] That's funny.

[1:01:40] Suddenly Dan's trying to get in on the act of wasting time before the letters start.

[1:01:46] Well, get one thing straight.

[1:01:48] Get one thing straight, dick.

[1:01:49] Nobody wastes time like Elliot.

[1:01:53] Let's count the number of ways he can waste time.

[1:01:56] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18,

[1:02:03] 19, 20.

[1:02:04] That just counted as one way.

[1:02:05] Counting is a way to waste time.

[1:02:07] Number two, remembering things.

[1:02:09] Hey, guys.

[1:02:10] Do you remember a couple minutes ago, you were saying this thing about-

[1:02:13] This is the fucking PM Dawn spoken word breakdown.

[1:02:17] Normally, I just pretend to be annoyed by this.

[1:02:21] Oh, boy.

[1:02:22] No.

[1:02:23] Avoid the annoyed, Dan.

[1:02:24] You know what?

[1:02:25] I made a mistake.

[1:02:26] Before we move on to letters, I just want to thank-

[1:02:28] I wasted a song.

[1:02:30] I just want to thank a couple people who sent things in.

[1:02:33] Thank you to Vanessa for the Colonial Williamsburg cookbook and other ephemera that she sent

[1:02:40] to me.

[1:02:41] Thanks also to Anne Marie Newman for the care package.

[1:02:44] Came on a bad day, so it was much appreciated.

[1:02:47] Then, a gift to all of us here at the Flophouse, a big thanks to Bill O'Donnell for the very

[1:02:54] generous gift of a digital recorder-

[1:02:56] That's amazing.

[1:02:57] Oh, yeah.

[1:02:58] Thanks, Bill.

[1:02:59] That is too nice.

[1:03:00] ... to use as a backup.

[1:03:01] He sent it in saying, in case there was another Babylon AD situation, he wanted us to have

[1:03:07] a-

[1:03:08] The famous lost episode.

[1:03:09] ... backup recording option.

[1:03:10] We do now.

[1:03:11] Thank you so much.

[1:03:12] Above and beyond, Bill.

[1:03:13] Yeah.

[1:03:14] Very much so.

[1:03:15] It's amazing.

[1:03:17] I don't mean that nearly as sarcastically as my voice always sounds.

[1:03:20] Stu just sounds sarcastic, but he means it from his heart.

[1:03:23] Thank you very much.

[1:03:24] Thank you.

[1:03:25] I want to thank you.

[1:03:27] Oh.

[1:03:29] Oh.

[1:03:30] Ah.

[1:03:31] It's Mr. Roboto.

[1:03:34] But, the first letter of the evening is from Pete, last name withheld, who writes-

[1:03:39] Peter Dinklage.

[1:03:40] After-

[1:03:41] Hey, guys.

[1:03:42] It's me, Pete D.

[1:03:43] Thanks for watching my movie, A Little Bit of Heaven.

[1:03:46] I'm a big fan.

[1:03:47] After your fateful findings episode, I had to write in.

[1:03:50] My partner and I cemented our relationship at a midnight showing of Neil Breen's modern

[1:03:55] masterpiece, which screened in a theater to us and maybe five other people.

[1:04:00] Later on, we rallied a few friends to attend another screening, and as incentive, I created

[1:04:07] a drinking game I call Ani-Breen-ated, after the film's writer-slash-director-slash-hunk-slash-heavy-slash-hacker-slash-magician.

[1:04:17] I think he's also the caterer.

[1:04:20] Who also may be supernatural.

[1:04:23] If you're interested, you can find it in all its glory here.

[1:04:27] He sends a link to the drinking game, which I hope I remember to put up on the website.

[1:04:33] Only time will tell.

[1:04:34] I bring it up because-

[1:04:35] Listen, somebody call Dan on Saturday and remind him to put it up.

[1:04:38] Yeah.

[1:04:40] It's 123 fake number.

[1:04:44] Just program it.

[1:04:45] Wow, you got that one locked in.

[1:04:47] How do you spell that?

[1:04:48] So your area code is 123?

[1:04:50] That's right.

[1:04:52] I live in Colonial Williamsburg.

[1:04:55] Oh yeah, that's where you got your phone?

[1:04:59] I bring it up because at the end of the drinking game-

[1:05:01] This is how we used to dip candles.

[1:05:03] What's that, Goody Thomas?

[1:05:06] Yeah, I'll stop by. Sorry.

[1:05:08] Colonial booty call. We had these back then.

[1:05:11] I bring it up because at the end of the drinking game, the winner-slash-loser was tasked with calling Neil Breen.

[1:05:16] We found an old ad. Apparently he was or is a real estate agent.

[1:05:20] Oh, he still is.

[1:05:21] With a phone number, and it was promptly added to the game.

[1:05:24] Oh, he must live in Colonial Williamsburg. He has a phone number.

[1:05:27] And fellas, I called, and Neil Breen picked up. For real.

[1:05:31] I was totally paralyzed.

[1:05:33] I'm not an experienced prank caller or anything.

[1:05:35] And I didn't think there was any chance I'd be talking to-

[1:05:37] Did you call him Sizzle Chess?

[1:05:42] Learn from the best.

[1:05:44] I didn't think there was any chance I'd be talking to Dylan.

[1:05:46] Whoops, sometimes I call Breen by his character names.

[1:05:48] He really disappears into a roll.

[1:05:51] He said, Hello?

[1:05:53] Hello?

[1:05:55] Hello?

[1:05:57] And then waited before hanging up.

[1:06:00] Anyway, I do have a request.

[1:06:01] Is there any possibility you could call on the power of the Flophouse fans to dig up Breen's older movies?

[1:06:06] Double Down and especially I'm Here, Ellipsis, Now.

[1:06:10] With an extra dot in the ellipsis.

[1:06:12] Is that the one where he's like a cyborg Jesus?

[1:06:14] Well, that's what he says.

[1:06:15] I'm Here, Now is the one where Neil appears to be some kind of robot space Jesus.

[1:06:19] Who can ask for vengeance on drug dealers or something.

[1:06:21] Double Down was briefly on YouTube, but left before I could consume it all.

[1:06:26] That's the one where Neil Breen is two breaded chicken patties, right?

[1:06:30] That one, I can't explain Double Down.

[1:06:34] I watched it.

[1:06:35] God help me, I can't.

[1:06:36] This is Dan talking in the voice of Dan and not the writer.

[1:06:40] I did, however, witness an even recklesser abandon when it came to laptop usage in Double Down.

[1:06:46] And Neil's exclamation of, Oh, geez, when his topless girlfriend was shot by a sniper while she was in a hot tub is not to be missed.

[1:06:53] He'd last name withheld.

[1:06:55] But he's got a new one coming up.

[1:06:58] Something like that.

[1:07:00] I'm not sure what he's calling us to do when he says, is there any possibility you can call on the power of the flophouse to dig up Neil Breen's older movies?

[1:07:08] I mean, they do exist.

[1:07:09] You can buy them from him, right?

[1:07:11] I don't know whether the earlier ones you can still buy directly from him.

[1:07:16] That'd be crazy.

[1:07:17] Because Faithful Bindings you can only officially buy from him.

[1:07:20] I know that if you dig hard enough, both Double Down and I'm Here, Ellipsis Now are available on the Internet for free.

[1:07:28] Yeah, what if you're the world's best hacker?

[1:07:30] But that's Neil Breen.

[1:07:31] Why would he steal his own movies?

[1:07:33] He's only interested in top government secrets.

[1:07:36] And the second world's best hacker, Swordfish, a.k.a. Hugh Jackman, is busy dancing up a storm on Broadway or something.

[1:07:43] So if this all sounds ridiculous to you new listeners, go check out the film works of Neil Breen.

[1:07:49] Or just our episode on Faithful Findings.

[1:07:52] I did a group watch of both of these movies with the flophouse.

[1:07:55] Oh, thanks for inviting me.

[1:07:57] Well, with the flophouse Facebook group.

[1:07:59] Oh, thanks for not inviting me.

[1:08:00] This is something that a lonely person does.

[1:08:02] Oh, wow.

[1:08:03] Oh, damn, that's not true.

[1:08:05] I mean, it kind of is, but...

[1:08:07] But they're both worth watching.

[1:08:09] I mean, my favorite of the two is I'm Here Now.

[1:08:15] He plays a robot, Space Jesus.

[1:08:16] Yeah, I think that Faithful Findings is still the most accessible one in terms of if you're looking for a bad movie to watch.

[1:08:23] But I'm Here Now is maybe the craziest one.

[1:08:28] If you love the ending of Faithful Findings where he gets all the corrupt government officials to commit suicide,

[1:08:37] you will double love the end of I'm Here Now where he literally crucifies the bad guys on crosses out in the desert.

[1:08:46] That sounds great.

[1:08:48] Okay, sold.

[1:08:50] I'll watch that.

[1:08:51] I'll buy that for a dollar.

[1:08:53] Neil Breen's RoboCop.

[1:08:55] Oh, no way.

[1:08:57] I mean, that's kind of what RoboCop is, is a robo, Space Jesus.

[1:09:01] Yeah, very much so.

[1:09:02] He comes back.

[1:09:04] This next one is from Alex Lastname Withheld, who writes,

[1:09:07] I need to know your answers to a very important question.

[1:09:10] I thought it was Alex Mack.

[1:09:12] Okay, we'll find out.

[1:09:14] This next one offers the following deal.

[1:09:16] You will receive a no limit credit card and the genie will pay your bill.

[1:09:20] You and your family will not.

[1:09:22] Why doesn't he just give you infinite money?

[1:09:24] Can I call myself a no limit soldier?

[1:09:26] You can do whatever you want to do.

[1:09:29] Okay, wow.

[1:09:31] I guess you're speaking for the letter writer.

[1:09:33] You're the genie?

[1:09:35] That's right.

[1:09:37] So answer my question well.

[1:09:39] Some kind of game genie who gave me 99 lives on contract.

[1:09:42] But made me flicker in a weird way.

[1:09:45] You will receive a no limit credit card and the genie will pay your bill.

[1:09:51] Well, what I like about that is,

[1:09:53] I don't give a shit if the genie pays or not.

[1:09:56] I just don't want to pay.

[1:09:58] The genie has to write a check.

[1:10:00] I guess it's just a direct pull from his bank account.

[1:10:02] Yeah, the credit card company is more powerful than a genie apparently.

[1:10:06] Genie, he's inside the lamp, sitting at a desk with little half-glasses on his nose,

[1:10:10] writing a check and putting it in an envelope.

[1:10:14] Do I make this out to Capital One or MasterCard or what?

[1:10:17] I don't know, how does this work?

[1:10:19] I forget.

[1:10:20] I'm a thousand years old.

[1:10:22] You and your family will never again want for money or any material needs.

[1:10:28] However, in order to earn this arrangement,

[1:10:31] you must agree to watch the movie Las Vegas once a day, Monday through Friday.

[1:10:36] You are not allowed to multitask, close your eyes, play on your phone, etc.

[1:10:40] If you miss a day, the genie stops paying your bills.

[1:10:43] Las Vegas is 105 minutes long, which works out to about a nine-hour workweek.

[1:10:48] The rest of your time is your own, which you can use to watch better movies,

[1:10:52] do rewarding creative work, jerk off, etc.

[1:10:55] I can't do that while watching Las Vegas?

[1:10:57] You can't multitask.

[1:10:58] What if he's turned on by the babes in Las Vegas?

[1:11:02] Still multitasking.

[1:11:04] How is this going to be enforced?

[1:11:05] Is there going to be another genie with a gun?

[1:11:08] At that point, the genie has to watch—

[1:11:09] Apparently, the only repercussion is that the contract is voided.

[1:11:14] Well, but the genie has to watch the movie with you to make sure,

[1:11:18] and so that means the genie has to watch every day.

[1:11:19] He's like, why did I do this?

[1:11:21] I'm really punishing myself.

[1:11:23] Yeah.

[1:11:25] Mephisto is just sitting next to you, watching Las Vegas every day.

[1:11:28] Well, Alex's last name withheld seems to really want an answer to this question,

[1:11:32] whether we take this deal.

[1:11:34] Sorry, Alex. I didn't mean to get off topic.

[1:11:35] Nine-hour workweek.

[1:11:38] I think I might take that deal.

[1:11:41] Yeah.

[1:11:42] I mean, you've got a son you've got to feed.

[1:11:43] I've got to put him to college eventually.

[1:11:47] Duh.

[1:11:49] Whoa.

[1:11:50] Dan's become a bad boy.

[1:11:52] Duh.

[1:11:54] Sure you'd take that deal.

[1:11:55] Las Vegas? I mean, it's not even the worst movie we've watched for a podcast.

[1:12:01] Nine hours a week?

[1:12:03] Dan, I didn't realize that I touched a nerve by being tentative about that.

[1:12:08] For unlimited money?

[1:12:10] Well, wait. Does the credit card expire?

[1:12:13] No, man.

[1:12:14] Do I get miles? I feel like I don't know everything about it.

[1:12:17] The only way it expires is if you stop watching Las Vegas.

[1:12:20] Are you going to be able to travel?

[1:12:23] You got to watch it on a plane?

[1:12:24] Yeah. Do you have to watch Las Vegas at like an office?

[1:12:28] If you charge up your laptop, I assume that you can watch it wherever.

[1:12:31] Yeah. Can I just download it to an iPad and that's my Las Vegas iPad and I just watch that?

[1:12:38] Does multitasking include like being on a plane or a train, an automobile, if you will?

[1:12:42] A snowmobile?

[1:12:44] I interpret it as multitasking just means that if you're doing something

[1:12:48] that would distract you from watching Las Vegas at the same time.

[1:12:51] Okay.

[1:12:52] So I don't think that necessarily being on a plane qualifies, but that's just me.

[1:12:57] We got to talk to this genie.

[1:12:59] What I would really like is for Dan to take this bet with a genie

[1:13:03] and then have to explain it the first time he goes on a date with a young lady.

[1:13:07] So what do you do if a little girl wants to watch Las Vegas?

[1:13:10] A genie? Check, please.

[1:13:15] Another one of these genie guys.

[1:13:18] I'll have what he's having.

[1:13:23] Now, what does the genie get out of doing this?

[1:13:26] I assume that I get up and watch Las Vegas first thing in the morning just to get it over with.

[1:13:30] That's how you would schedule your day? You want to start on a high note?

[1:13:36] Why not watch it late at night when you're sleepy and maybe you miss the end of it?

[1:13:40] No, because then you avoid that contract, dude.

[1:13:43] This genie's tough.

[1:13:45] Yeah.

[1:13:46] Okay, let's look at my day.

[1:13:49] Sure.

[1:13:50] So, Sammy gets up at 7.30.

[1:13:53] Sammy's your dog?

[1:13:55] Sammy's my son that you've met.

[1:13:57] He's my almost two-and-a-half-year-old child that you've met.

[1:14:00] He's the light of my life. He wrote a song called Lego Chicken Nugget.

[1:14:03] And I really like it a lot.

[1:14:05] He wakes up around 7.30.

[1:14:08] So do I get up before him at 5.30 and watch Las Vegas?

[1:14:12] That way I'm already pooped before I'm even taking care of him.

[1:14:15] But then, I can't take care of him while watching the movie.

[1:14:19] I've got to do it during his nap or, I guess, we have a nanny now.

[1:14:23] Maybe Sammy can sign up for this genie deal and then he'll have to watch it with you.

[1:14:27] I don't want him watching that much television at his age.

[1:14:30] Certainly not Las Vegas.

[1:14:32] What's he not watching television for?

[1:14:34] He's going to have unrealistic views of being old.

[1:14:36] He's got to understand that it's okay to objectify women if you're an old man.

[1:14:40] He's got to understand that he's got unlimited money for life as long as he watches this fucking movie.

[1:14:45] That's the other thing then.

[1:14:47] Does that pass on to the next generation?

[1:14:49] Or when I die, does the credit card get cut off and suddenly my family is not wealthy anymore?

[1:14:54] Can we write ourselves a bunch of checks for money on the credit card?

[1:14:57] The genie pays that off and we're like,

[1:14:59] See ya! We've got enough money.

[1:15:01] I just charged $100 million worth of...

[1:15:03] Yeah, I think you just loophole this genie.

[1:15:05] Yeah, take that genie.

[1:15:06] Because I don't need infinite money.

[1:15:09] I just need a lot of money.

[1:15:11] You're just doubling down to Georgia that genie.

[1:15:13] And now here's the other question.

[1:15:15] What's the credit limit on this credit card?

[1:15:18] It's a magic card.

[1:15:20] I think it's got no credit limit.

[1:15:21] Oh, it's a magic card.

[1:15:22] There's no such thing as a free lunch day.

[1:15:24] There's always a catch.

[1:15:25] There's got to be one.

[1:15:26] There's got to be a catch at Las Vegas.

[1:15:28] There's probably like a $95 annual fee.

[1:15:31] But it's like, can I only charge up to a certain amount for certain times?

[1:15:36] Or is this just an infinity card?

[1:15:38] Genie, write in and explain this.

[1:15:40] Yeah.

[1:15:41] And then we'll see whether we're taking your deal or not.

[1:15:44] I was about to call him John B.

[1:15:45] Eugenie Levy.

[1:15:46] Eugenie Levy.

[1:15:48] Are you straight trippin', boo?

[1:15:50] You got me straight paying off your credit card, boo.

[1:15:55] Are you straight trippin', boo?

[1:15:59] I would watch that show, Schitt's Creek, with Eugene Levy

[1:16:02] if you said that line in every episode.

[1:16:06] Maybe it's a fine show.

[1:16:07] I haven't seen it.

[1:16:08] Last letter of the evening.

[1:16:10] It's titled...

[1:16:12] I'm a genie.

[1:16:13] It's titled, in response to Dan and the Golden Child

[1:16:16] asking if people knew what he was talking about.

[1:16:19] And it goes like this.

[1:16:20] This isn't Strega Nona, is it?

[1:16:22] I do.

[1:16:23] He's talking about touching his wiener.

[1:16:25] Sent from my iPhone, Rick.

[1:16:27] Oh.

[1:16:29] I don't remember what...

[1:16:30] That's what I was talking about.

[1:16:31] I don't remember what it was in reference to.

[1:16:33] I was talking about touching your wiener.

[1:16:34] You were touching my wiener?

[1:16:36] What?

[1:16:37] Why were you doing that?

[1:16:38] When we were recording?

[1:16:39] Yeah, just to see.

[1:16:40] Just to see what?

[1:16:41] If it's still there?

[1:16:42] Yeah, man.

[1:16:43] Just to see what's going on.

[1:16:45] Just to see what's going on?

[1:16:46] Yeah, I'm just curious.

[1:16:47] I'm the only one with a child.

[1:16:48] I'm the only one who has physical evidence

[1:16:50] that he has a penis.

[1:16:51] That functions.

[1:16:53] He was doing it as some kind of fertility idol.

[1:16:56] Oh, well, that makes sense then.

[1:16:57] Okay, well, that's all you had to say.

[1:16:59] For all I know, you're like a Kindle down there.

[1:17:02] A Kindle?

[1:17:03] A Kindle.

[1:17:04] Well, you're not like a Kindle down there.

[1:17:05] Yeah, you're a Kindle down there.

[1:17:06] You're like sort of a pleasant experience,

[1:17:08] but there's something a little off about it.

[1:17:10] It kind of hurts your eyes eventually.

[1:17:12] Yeah, you don't really enjoy it as much as like normal.

[1:17:14] No, but that's true.

[1:17:15] My penis is not a full substitute for an actual book.

[1:17:18] Yeah.

[1:17:19] So, now what do we do in this fucking thing?

[1:17:22] Now, the last and final.

[1:17:26] Those two words mean the same thing.

[1:17:28] Segment on the show.

[1:17:29] The post-penultimate segment.

[1:17:32] Is recommendations.

[1:17:35] Movies that we watched that we actually liked

[1:17:38] that we would recommend people to watch

[1:17:40] without the usual caveats.

[1:17:42] Okay, so there's a new segment

[1:17:44] where we recommend a movie we like, not new.

[1:17:47] It literally goes back to the first episode of the show.

[1:17:50] We're just trying it out.

[1:17:51] We'll see if it sticks.

[1:17:52] We've got to constantly reinvent ourselves.

[1:17:54] Try it out.

[1:17:55] We're like Madonna that way.

[1:17:57] Goes back to episode number one.

[1:17:58] You're talking.

[1:17:59] Keep going.

[1:18:00] Sure.

[1:18:01] I watched a little movie

[1:18:03] that a lot of people, I think,

[1:18:08] dismissed without seeing it

[1:18:12] for a couple of good reasons.

[1:18:14] Number one, it has a totally stupid title.

[1:18:17] Number two, it had a terrible...

[1:18:19] It's called Jurassic Park.

[1:18:29] Number two, it had a terrible trailer.

[1:18:32] Number three, it was written by someone

[1:18:35] that the internet has decided they hate.

[1:18:38] That's Diablo Cody.

[1:18:40] Okay.

[1:18:41] But I watched a movie called Ricky and the Flash.

[1:18:42] Oh, she made the mistake of being successful.

[1:18:45] Yeah.

[1:18:47] And I really liked Ricky and the Flash.

[1:18:51] I watched it because Jonathan Demme directed it

[1:18:54] and Jonathan Demme is one of my favorite directors.

[1:18:56] It's weird.

[1:18:57] She of Stop Making Sense

[1:18:59] and Something Wild

[1:19:01] and Silence of the Lambs.

[1:19:04] It's funny how that first movie is about music

[1:19:06] and the last movie is about silence.

[1:19:08] Yeah.

[1:19:09] And Rachel Getting Married,

[1:19:10] which I like a lot more than most people do.

[1:19:12] Like me.

[1:19:14] I don't like it very much either.

[1:19:15] But hey, it's a free country.

[1:19:16] You can like whatever you want.

[1:19:17] Well, then you probably won't like

[1:19:18] Ricky and the Flash

[1:19:19] because I feel like it's a slightly worse version

[1:19:21] of Rachel Getting Married

[1:19:22] in that...

[1:19:23] Yeah, but it's not bad.

[1:19:24] It's not bad.

[1:19:25] Yeah, but it's about Meryl Streep

[1:19:26] as a rock star, right?

[1:19:27] Well, but it's also like

[1:19:29] she goes back home

[1:19:31] first to comfort her daughter

[1:19:33] who is getting divorced

[1:19:35] but then to go to the wedding

[1:19:38] of her son who is getting gay married

[1:19:41] or married as it's called.

[1:19:44] I'm specifying that

[1:19:46] because she plays

[1:19:48] like kind of a Republican character

[1:19:50] in the...

[1:19:52] Ricky?

[1:19:53] ...movie.

[1:19:55] It's a difference that would not

[1:19:59] pass her by.

[1:20:00] Her character but it's you know it's the same sort of like a family gets together and then there's a lot of music.

[1:20:11] Sort of movie that Rachel getting married was oh yes you're probably right that I won't like it but you never know yeah but Rachel getting married had Elliot's ex-girlfriend so you had some extra baggage right off the bat I was not into it and also not my ex-girlfriend it's a little.

[1:20:26] It's a little self-indulgent towards the end with all the musical numbers especially because I don't think that.

[1:20:34] I mean as good as Meryl Streep is in the live musical numbers because they're all they are all done.

[1:20:48] Like they're all like she's actually doing forming yeah as good as she is like she's not necessarily as good as you would want her to be considering she's a great actress not a rock star yeah considering there's like 50 musical numbers in the movie you'd be like all right that's enough of this but she's better than in Mamma Mia right she's definitely better than Mamma Mia what about Into the Woods is she better than Into the Woods she's better than Into the Woods okay is she better than in Kramer versus Kramer where she doesn't sing.

[1:21:16] No she's not better than Kramer okay but it's a you know it's got her and Kevin Kline plays her ex-husband and I always love seeing Kevin Kline basically any fucking thing Mr. Fish Odor so if you were put off by the stupid fucking name or as I said the terrible trailer that's not a bad name give it a neither of those things give it a chance yeah if anything you reminded me that John Demme directed it.

[1:21:46] Puts me off no way really yeah we know that you know this I'm not such a huge fan is really yeah he's all right all right yeah you saw a truth about Charlie and you're like fuck this I was like tell me some lies about Charlie this is the truth uh well you just reminded me how awesome Silverado is another movie with Kevin Kline but that's not my recommendation I'll recommend that another time if I haven't already uh so I recently watched The Invitation which is a uh thriller uh

[1:22:16] I can't remember uh I don't remember the name of the director but she directed Girl Fight and she also directed Aeon Flux and uh another movie or two but she's uh she's been around and made a couple of movies and this is a fairly small movie it's a thriller it's about a uh a guy who is invited to a dinner party with some old friends and it's being hosted at his ex's house uh who he hasn't seen in quite a while and the two of them

[1:22:46] split up under after some kind of a trauma and it is uh really tense and it's also I think in a lot of ways very true to life and it uh it reflects the way people kind of get over uh grief or like deal with grief a little bit um and it's a great thriller so check it out The Invitation

[1:23:08] I'm going to recommend a less new movie than you guys recommended which is kind of a surprise I'm

[1:23:14] usually pretty cutting edge with my recommendations you usually recommend a movie that comes out in

[1:23:19] three years yeah uh I'm going to recommend a movie from the 70s called uh China 9 Liberty 37

[1:23:29] which I originally recorded because the title is crazy uh but I or it's a but it's a spaghetti

[1:23:35] western the italian title was amore piombo e fiorare or something like that uh which is like

[1:23:41] love something in a perfect pronunciation uh but I know it as China 9 Liberty 37

[1:23:48] it's a Monty Hellman movie who did you know like Tulane Blacktop and Cockfighter and uh

[1:23:54] it was just called Cockfight and uh it stars Warren Oates who worked with him a lot

[1:24:00] and the italian actor Fabio Testi and also Jenny a gutter or how it was pronounced from uh from uh

[1:24:07] walkabout and she's gonna call the midwife now uh American Warrior from London yeah and it's

[1:24:14] the story of a gunman who is about to be hanged and they say hey the railroad wants this this

[1:24:20] ex-gunman dead say hey hey hey dude it's kind of like saluting your shorts the the gut the

[1:24:27] railroad wants this ex-gunfighter dead if you kill him you're off the hook we're not gonna hang

[1:24:32] you uh but he finds comes to like the guy Warren Oates who's this ex-gunfighter who's still a super

[1:24:38] tough guy and unfortunately falls for the gunfighter's much younger wife and it's like

[1:24:43] a spaghetti western with a film noir plot applied to it uh and it's a movie that I'm recommending

[1:24:50] partly because I enjoyed it it's not the most amazing movie in the world but it's a really good

[1:24:53] solid spaghetti western and if you wanted to see the mother superior from uh from call the midwife

[1:25:01] nude she's nude in a bunch of scenes in it but uh the but it's also a movie that has never I think

[1:25:07] received a home video release I saw it because it was on Turner Classic Movies and so it's one of

[1:25:14] those movies I'm saying that you should if you like spaghetti westerns you're not you might not

[1:25:19] see it unless you're looking out for it or you happen to catch it it's got that that catchy title

[1:25:23] yeah but also the what is it china 32 china 9 liberty 37 which it turns out is what two signs

[1:25:31] at the beginning of the movie oh it's not it's not like a town not like a volleyball score no

[1:25:35] well that's the thing I was like I cannot begin to understand what this title means but uh because

[1:25:42] it I don't know that it was ever fully released on film uh it's one of the few times where I'm

[1:25:48] going to say like you should download this movie if you want to see it because you shouldn't I

[1:25:54] don't like people who download movies for free when they could pay to see them but if the owners

[1:25:58] of the rights are seemingly going out of their way not to make it available readily then like

[1:26:03] go for it and it's one of the few times that I'll say that about a movie so it's almost

[1:26:07] partly for the novelty of that that I'm saying go see it but I enjoyed it china 9 liberty 37

[1:26:12] a title that sounds crazy and Dan is taking pictures of Stuart holding Archie

[1:26:19] Archie's not Archie Andrews

[1:26:25] it's adorable uh but as you know no matter how adorable it is all good things need to come to

[1:26:31] an end as seasons change so does the podcast change with the scenery weaving time in a

[1:26:38] tapestry yeah hazy shade of winter once you stop and remember us two dogs a baby dog comes out

[1:26:47] and that dog will one day have sex with another dog and so forth before returning to the earth

[1:26:53] like so much dead dog really stop being a metaphor at the end okay well thank you for that

[1:27:02] and for the flop house I've been Dan McCoy hey I'm Stuart Wellington and what's up Elliot

[1:27:09] Kaelin over here saying bye peace see ya so long bye I love you

[1:27:26] this is care drum workshopping for when I'm calling around asking about my wife to find

[1:27:31] out what she's been up to I'll call Charlene's bar and be like uh hello

[1:27:37] is uh Charlene there how you say there she's uh working we

[1:27:44] they're like no she that is what you say working

[1:27:49] is you a bride of the robot pinball machine

[1:27:53] um

[1:28:04] oh yeah we we I mean yes yes uh why now I'm doing it now I'm doing a cool character

[1:28:12] maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

[1:28:18] baby geniuses hi I'm Lisa Hanawalt and I'm Emily Heller and if you're not listening to

[1:28:23] our podcast baby geniuses you're missing out on stuff like Kamil Nanjiani solving the zodiac

[1:28:28] murders oh who's like would you ever go to a friend and you're like hey could you

[1:28:32] lick all these lick all these envelopes for me you'd be like you're a serial killer

[1:28:38] definitely I'm leaving right now guy Branham talking about Ruth Bader Ginsburg um and it

[1:28:43] was it was just a great moment of like oh no I'm here boys like I'm on this side of the bench

[1:28:49] Megan Amram talking about intimidating baristas just feel like they're always in character like

[1:28:54] they're always in character as like cool hipster girl and I just want to break through that barrier

[1:29:01] plus every week we explore a new wikipedia page and talk to a crazy expert in the field of nonsense

[1:29:06] well any any hack can make you not have a boner I mean that's it's about how you do it right

[1:29:12] and we're the only podcast with regular updates about Martha Stewart's pony or your money back

[1:29:17] we're not going to give them their money back are we no let's keep it yeah listen to our show

[1:29:22] every other Monday on Maximum Fun yay

Ep. #203 - Look Who's Talking Now

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