Ep. #205 - Gods of Egypt

[0:00] What do you say we get this started?

[0:02] This is a sold-out show, I said, how about we get this started?

[0:09] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the NYC podcast stage, the original Peaches themselves,

[0:15] The Flophouse!

[0:30] Hi everybody!

[0:46] Hey!

[0:47] Are these turned on?

[0:49] Check!

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[0:52] Check!

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[0:57] Check!

[0:58] Check!

[0:59] What's up?

[1:00] Who's here from out of town?

[1:01] We don't need to do that.

[1:02] All right.

[1:03] I feel like...

[1:04] I'm going to go on a limb here, guys, but I think New York City is the best city.

[1:09] I heard, you know, when The Flophouse performed in Brooklyn, we heard that Brooklyn rocked

[1:15] pretty hard, but here in Manhattan, I don't know.

[1:20] The smallest tour.

[1:22] So we should introduce ourselves.

[1:25] I mean, that's traditional.

[1:27] Sure.

[1:28] Hey, everyone.

[1:29] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:33] Hey there, Dan McCoy.

[1:34] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:39] Hey, Dan and Stu.

[1:40] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:43] Are you sure?

[1:44] You seem like an imposter.

[1:45] You're wearing a suit.

[1:46] I am dressed nicely, which is not how I'm usually dressed for The Flophouse.

[1:51] Usually I am wearing pajama pants.

[1:53] Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

[1:55] And not so much a shirt, I guess.

[1:57] I mean, it started as a shirt.

[2:00] And then through years of a game I call Hug a Porcupine, it's just been shredded.

[2:07] It's not what it sounds like.

[2:10] You're actually having sex with a porcupine.

[2:12] I call it hugging.

[2:16] But no, I'm dressed up, unlike these other guys, because I came straight here from the

[2:20] Peabody Awards.

[2:23] You're a real awards dropper.

[2:26] Yep, I did drop the award and it broke.

[2:30] I mean, I do work on the same show.

[2:32] I don't know why I'm so bitter about this.

[2:34] Yeah, you shared a piece of that.

[2:36] You just weren't at the event.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:39] You didn't get to see Steve Martin and David Letterman on stage.

[2:41] Yeah, you're behind camera talent.

[2:46] I'll have you know, Dan once played a Santa Claus in a wrestling unitari.

[2:51] To hell with that.

[2:53] I once played a guy who was me, who explained...

[2:56] It was the part you were born to play.

[2:59] I once played a guy who explained analingas to Jon Stewart.

[3:06] Yeah, so your parents kept a copy of that one, I guess.

[3:10] They were literally out of the country when it happened.

[3:13] This is weird.

[3:14] We can see everyone.

[3:16] This is an intimate...

[3:20] Very intimate.

[3:21] Half the audience is in our lab.

[3:23] I'm going to put on my microphone so I can look at you guys when I talk.

[3:26] Dan, why are you turning into Dee Snider's Strangeland?

[3:31] We're sitting at a table, for the people listening to this,

[3:33] with big microphones in front of us,

[3:35] and it feels like we're at the UN.

[3:40] We're explaining why we blew up Sokovia right now.

[3:46] Dan, speaking of explanations,

[3:48] can you explain to the audience, at home and here in the room and in space,

[3:52] when it gets beamed out to aliens...

[3:54] When we put it on a golden record...

[3:58] What do we do on this podcast?

[3:59] This is a podcast where we watch...

[4:01] What is this? Is it a podcast?

[4:03] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie,

[4:06] and then we talk about it.

[4:11] People are excited by premises.

[4:14] If I could ask you a question, Dan,

[4:16] roughly put, and I think you'll understand what I mean.

[4:21] Why is this episode different from all other episodes?

[4:25] Because we are doing it live, live, live,

[4:30] from the Cake Shop in beautiful New York City.

[4:34] It's part of the NYC PodFest.

[4:38] Yeah, that's totally true.

[4:40] Accurate.

[4:41] And also, why is this episode different?

[4:45] On all other episodes of The Flophouse,

[4:47] we watch the movie, and then we immediately record.

[4:50] That's right, yes.

[4:51] But on tonight's episode, we watched it earlier this afternoon,

[4:55] and now we're recording.

[4:56] And as a result...

[4:57] At 1 p.m.

[4:58] Our usually fairly slipshod grasp of the details of the film

[5:04] may slip yet another shoe.

[5:07] Which I'm just realizing is the literal meaning of slipshod.

[5:12] You're going to go on an adventure with us.

[5:15] An adventure through the brain,

[5:16] specifically our brains,

[5:18] as we try and remember...

[5:20] What film are we trying to remember, Dan?

[5:21] Gods of Egypt?

[5:23] Yes.

[5:25] I barely even remember the title of the movie we watched.

[5:28] It's so unique, Dan.

[5:30] Well, I think part of it is there's also Exodus, gods, and kings.

[5:33] Yeah, it's not even...

[5:34] That's a movie, yeah.

[5:35] It's not even the only movie about Egypt with gods in the title.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:40] Featuring an entirely all-white cast.

[5:44] Okay, now here's the thing.

[5:45] Almost, okay, I'm sorry.

[5:46] It is a mostly white cast.

[5:48] It is an entirely non-Egyptian cast.

[5:50] Yeah, that's a good point.

[5:51] But they managed to throw in several other races as extras.

[5:56] Snakes.

[5:57] And there's also giant snakes.

[5:59] Where's their representation?

[6:01] It's a race.

[6:03] You're forgetting about the parts played by a cadre of bullmen.

[6:08] That's true.

[6:09] Who are kind of like...

[6:10] I imagine the kids who grew up seeing Rocksteady and Bebop on TV

[6:13] and were like, maybe there is a place for me in entertainment.

[6:18] But I guess, should we talk about what the movie's about?

[6:21] Yeah, usually we dick around a little bit.

[6:24] Yeah, so instead, let's not do that.

[6:26] Which we've just been doing, Dan.

[6:28] Guys, I think it's time that we get right down to anubiznass.

[6:41] Dan, top that, Dan, top that.

[6:44] I've been working on that since 1pm today, you guys.

[6:48] Hurrah for the movie?

[6:53] Now is that a play off of Horace?

[6:55] That's a play off of Hurrah.

[6:56] It's a play off of Horace.

[6:57] Which is also the name of a character.

[6:59] Yeah, let's say it's a play off of both.

[7:01] Okay, and I'm going to go, oh, Cyrus.

[7:05] That should have been mine.

[7:06] That's my impression of Egyptian Dan McCoy.

[7:11] So, let's take you back.

[7:13] Let's everyone close our eyes.

[7:15] Which is what you would not do if you were watching the movie

[7:17] because the visuals are the only things of interest in the film.

[7:20] And imagine that we live in a world called Ancient Egypt.

[7:23] Not the Ancient Egypt you're aware of.

[7:25] It's not your daddy's Ancient Egypt family.

[7:28] It's weird that if we live in a world called Ancient Egypt,

[7:30] we're calling it Ancient Egypt.

[7:32] It seems like we should call it the present day.

[7:34] No.

[7:35] They were very meta and very aware of their place in history.

[7:38] They were like, this isn't forever.

[7:40] Someday we'll all be old.

[7:41] We'll be ancient.

[7:43] Egypt.

[7:45] So, this is in Ancient Egypt,

[7:47] where all the crazy god nonsense that they believed in,

[7:50] which as we know now was totally crazy cuckoo.

[7:53] As opposed to all other religions.

[7:55] Whoa, hot take!

[7:57] Whoa, whoa.

[7:59] Let's just say, Dan,

[8:01] that in the battle between all religions over which is the true one,

[8:04] I think it's fair to say that Egypt has stumbled and fallen in the marathon.

[8:09] And it's bloody chafed body has been pulled off the track.

[8:12] Well, particularly as shown in gods and whatever.

[8:15] Gods of Egypt.

[8:18] Egypt's gods and kings is about a still very viable religion

[8:22] that's still in the race.

[8:23] That's Exodus gods and kings.

[8:24] I'm talking about Christian Baalism.

[8:27] No, but it is a crazy version of...

[8:29] What is it called? Exodus gods and kings?

[8:31] Not Egypt.

[8:32] Gods of Egypt is a crazy...

[8:33] I can't remember what that book's called.

[8:34] That would be ridiculous.

[8:36] Dan?

[8:37] Gods of Egypt postulates a world where gods are just sort of taller than the rest of us.

[8:41] Well, they kind of...

[8:43] So, it takes place in this mythical Egypt where the world is flat

[8:46] and Egypt is basically all of it.

[8:48] And the gods, the Egyptian gods they posit are very much like the Greek gods,

[8:53] which in essence are just bigger, more powerful people that are totally...

[8:56] And golden blood.

[8:58] Now, the difference is that these Egyptian gods,

[9:00] they have the names of the famous Egyptian gods,

[9:02] Osiris and Horus and like...

[9:05] And Peggy.

[9:08] We were talking about that backstage.

[9:09] Anyway, and they also have golden blood

[9:12] and they can transform into robot monsters.

[9:16] But not at will.

[9:17] They need...

[9:18] They're real transmorphers.

[9:20] And every one of them has a magic glowing body part inside of them

[9:24] that when removed lowers their power essence and their energy levels.

[9:28] It's a real video game of a movie.

[9:31] It is a...

[9:32] There is not since Prince of Persia,

[9:35] a movie based on a video game,

[9:37] really not since...

[9:41] Have I seen a movie that was so much of a side-scrolling leveler?

[9:44] It's just like...

[9:45] Now he's gotta...

[9:46] Okay, he's gonna jump through that trap.

[9:47] Now he rests on a platform for a minute.

[9:49] Now he times it on the next trap.

[9:51] Oh, no, there's spikes.

[9:53] Oh, he's gotta wait.

[9:54] Okay, the spikes are done.

[9:55] Run forward a little bit.

[9:57] Okay, save your game.

[9:58] Save your game.

[9:59] Go to the...

[10:00] Bathroom now hydrate

[10:03] Vibrate hydrate you can vibrate you're doing a really great things with video game controllers now, Dan. Oh

[10:13] You guys thought that was gross

[10:16] So it posits a world where everyone's Egyptian. They just don't look at you and or sound it and

[10:22] Oh Cyrus who has been king of creation for a thousand years and is the son of oh well actually there's a long

[10:29] Bullshit opening narration of course there is there is and it's all CGI

[10:34] It's all over CGI symbols like there's no like weird old guy who's like gather round young well there is in the narration

[10:40] It's like it's like a long

[10:42] I'm the only one left from a long time ago, so maybe the story isn't as I remember

[10:45] Let me dust off this scroll for me to read aloud to you my my mother always told me about it

[10:52] But there's a voiceover that explains there's that there's bra and his two sons Osiris and set one's good one's bad

[10:59] hey, that's how it works and

[11:01] the

[11:02] Thank you

[11:05] and

[11:07] Osiris has been king of creation for a thousand years raw

[11:10] As we find out later lives in a spaceboat where every night every night

[11:15] He shoots lasers out of his laser spear at a giant tooth smoke monster

[11:19] That's trying to eat all of creation and because even though rock created at all

[11:23] He's still he's not in control of all that

[11:25] I guess it's like in the book of Job where God talks about Bayonet, and I think it's Bayonet right and

[11:31] Leviathan are you talking about Bahamut the god of good dragons no no not at all you know what forget

[11:38] I went down that road

[11:39] Let's just backtrack to the crossroads, and I'm gonna go down and go down the path not least take it

[11:45] I only make all the difference you're an Egyptologist

[11:47] I've read about I suppose they have written about I have not

[11:52] Is this giant worm a thing that a thing? Oh the the the chaos worm that eats all creation?

[11:57] Yeah, I gotta say. I've never come across it, but maybe it is. I don't know look they took a lot of license as

[12:03] we mentioned with the robot transforming and so

[12:07] But Osiris is like my son Horace. Who's kind of a ne'er-do-well

[12:11] He's not living up to his potential, but he's got magic eyes that let him see everything and he's never taken by surprise

[12:16] He's gonna be the new king and

[12:18] Meanwhile, there's a robber a thief named Beck who were introduced to basically just being Aladdin in the beginning of a

[12:28] Song gotta steal to eat gotta eat to live otherwise we get along

[12:32] Like that's basically what he's doing. Yeah, our hero is introduced robbing a local small business owner. Yeah

[12:38] And

[12:40] What angry you is a small business?

[12:43] And now imagine he has none of the charisma of DJ's boyfriend from Paul house

[12:48] Just like the cartoon Aladdin was gifted with

[12:51] And imagine that almost everything you see in the entire movie of CGI to the point that it is almost like yeah

[12:58] I knew this looks like Dex dog tech dude it like and there are so many scenes where even scenes where someone's riding a chariot

[13:04] it's like the worst digital rear projection you've ever seen and

[13:09] All the all the dialogue is mixed at the same low level and delivered as if they're just sitting on a couch

[13:15] So even when they're like running from big snakes or the pyramids collapsing around them and they're making quips each other

[13:20] The quips are like you got to run faster. You try to run faster like it's

[13:25] Everyone is to the visuals are so next time you drive the chariot

[13:30] And the performances are so calm like they just everyone in Egypt like the Nile has just been like doped with

[13:36] Pharmaceuticals from the factory that's up there

[13:38] That's up at the headwaters which ironically are in the south even though when you look at a map you think it's gonna flow up

[13:44] Northward this goes to shown up and down the constructs of our minds anyway

[13:49] It's like Buckminster Fuller said it should be in and out not up and down anyway. I

[13:54] Digress we're about three minutes into the film so

[13:58] Beck is married. Thank you Beck is married to a woman named Zay who is

[14:05] Zaya, oh Zaya, yeah

[14:07] Okay, I'll remind you. I saw this movie hours ago

[14:12] It's marriage is I her main character trait is that she has a plunging neckline. Yes. It's a very cleavy movie

[14:19] They should have called it God's a cleavage

[14:22] There's still time

[14:28] Go to it go to your clothes blockbuster video

[14:32] slap of

[14:33] Sticker over the thing yeah, I'm gonna go do that send us a picture

[14:38] We're not gonna give you anything for it, but a bug literally just fell in my hair

[14:44] So is it a scarab

[14:49] It's a genuine question

[14:52] Okay long story short Osiris is handing his throne over Horace Horace doesn't deserve it. He's in love with the God of love

[14:58] They have sex in a little pool

[15:00] Surrounded by his handmaidens who are regular people so they look tiny next all the gods are about

[15:05] 18 feet tall 15 feet tall and

[15:09] So anyone so the handmaidens I kept thinking were the little girls from Mothra who are tiny

[15:14] That's why you were singing the song through much of the those early scenes, yeah, it's a beautiful song yeah

[15:22] That but it right in the middle of the coronation

[15:26] Uh-oh

[15:27] Set comes along played by Gerard Butler who decided I'm playing an Egyptian god of evil. I'm not even gonna mask my Scottish accent

[15:35] and

[15:36] He comes in and he goes. I got this magic horn for you as a gift blow it for him

[15:41] Horace like does a little jazz trill on it. Yeah, he blows it as if he's Clarence Clemens

[15:48] And he's got a little pose

[15:52] Yeah

[15:54] It's like take my picture album cover

[15:57] That's the signal for set soldiers to come in and take over set kills Osiris

[16:02] And he beats the daylights out of Horace and pulls his eyeballs out. It's okay his eyeballs are little glowing marbles

[16:09] Because it was a bummer when

[16:12] That killed Osiris because Osiris here was played by

[16:16] Brian Brown the star of FX the deadly

[16:22] Clearly a nod to all the effects

[16:25] He was disguised because he had that little soul patch

[16:28] Yeah, I should have known it was an Australian film

[16:32] So you see a lot of Aussie actors in there you see a lot of people who are in that?

[16:36] There a couple of the women in it were brides

[16:42] According to the IMDb trivia section because I did my research guys

[16:47] That's what I'm known for that's my brand

[16:50] But like about doing the librarian

[16:54] About like 200 personnel in total like visual effects people were all from Mad Max Fury Road

[16:59] Which was just about as good as this right?

[17:02] It really shows you some say that the director is not the guiding force of a film and that it's in the end

[17:08] Wholly collaborative. I would say these two movies put up against each other would prove that very wrong

[17:14] That there is a handful of creatives at the top of the pyramid on who?

[17:20] Really set really set the tone

[17:24] That's not a pun. That's just me finishing a sentence

[17:28] I also like that. I basically said George Miller's a better filmmaker than Alex Proyas everyone's like boo

[17:34] Dark City's underrated terrible. There's a lot of knowing fans of the audience tonight

[17:42] So

[17:43] The Dark City is a fine movie that doesn't age that great. You know that's okay

[17:48] It's a great b-plus film look. Yeah, Kiefer Sutherland as the weird perverted scientist is amazing in it. That's

[17:55] But anyway, oh also appearing Rufus Sewell in this film as

[18:00] His name was for sure. I think like the high

[18:03] Because set has now enslaved all the Egyptians either worship him or you're made a slave

[18:08] But even the ones who worship him kind of become slaves and they're building this huge

[18:12] Black obelisk that's 2,000 feet tall as a monument to Ra so that set can finally get over his daddy issues

[18:19] With his with his bald dad

[18:22] Geoffrey Rush in the sky

[18:24] Although Geoffrey Rush you think he's bald for most the movie and then it's revealed about two-thirds away through that

[18:28] He has a long white ponytail on his bald head

[18:31] And it is instead of like hair stubble his head has little gold flakes. Yeah. Well, that's like god dandruff. Yeah

[18:39] and

[18:40] Our hero Beck is very unhappy about this turn of events

[18:44] Especially when he's separated from his wife who is now working as the personal secretary slash assistant to the head architect

[18:50] Her job is making sure that his scrolls don't go flying off his desk which she fails at consistently

[18:58] Long story short he

[19:00] Convinces her I'm gonna go to the place where horses eye is kept get me the scroll that has the design

[19:07] So I know where the traps are. I'm gonna get his eye

[19:10] I'm gonna give it to Horace and then Horace is gonna like I don't know like just save the day or give him something

[19:15] I'm not sure what because his wife still believes in Horace still worships him

[19:19] Even though Horace has become a real baby and just sits blind in his own house

[19:22] Which is basically a tomb just being sad all the time Wow Wow

[19:29] I'm just saying many blind people have accomplished a lot Horace decides to accomplish nothing

[19:34] And he's a god. Imagine if the last thing you saw was Gerard Butler plucking your eyes from your head. I

[19:41] Would be traumatized but you'd get over it I guess eventually. Yeah

[19:45] We become butts

[19:47] I'd forgive him play soccer together. I mean, yeah

[19:51] If he shows up, yeah, exactly

[19:55] He goes and he says to Horace I'm gonna get oh no he gets

[20:00] When the eye's back already. He goes through a video game level and gets the eye back.

[20:03] A lot of spikes. A lot of CGI spikes and CGI statue swords on the statue.

[20:07] And scorpions. Everything's CGI.

[20:10] Stuart, what was the comparison, CGI scorpion comparison?

[20:13] What is that, like 5 million miles to Graceland that opens with two scorpions?

[20:17] 5 million miles to Graceland.

[20:19] I don't remember the name of that movie.

[20:20] The Ray Harryhausen, Kurt Russell film, 5 million miles to Graceland.

[20:26] Shows a basic lack of geography knowledge.

[20:31] I didn't know this was a geography podcast, guys.

[20:35] I would be ill-suited for it.

[20:37] Beck goes back to his wife, but he's captured.

[20:40] Because they replaced the scroll he stole with just a blank scroll.

[20:43] And the master architect of Egypt somehow could tell the difference between a blank scroll

[20:47] and the one where he put all his trap secrets.

[20:49] So they're escaping in a chariot and the master architect shoots an arrow at his wife

[20:54] and it hits her and she dies.

[20:55] Oh no!

[20:56] He should be the master archer. That was an amazing shot.

[21:00] Well, they're like most of the same letters in the beginning of the two words.

[21:04] But I mean, they weren't running that fast.

[21:06] Like, it is one of those like super slow running through a not that large set

[21:09] because it's like a green room.

[21:11] It's a green, yeah. It's like they're in Robert Rodriguez's basement.

[21:13] There's not a lot of place to go.

[21:16] And so he goes to Horace and he says,

[21:19] I got your eye. I'm gonna make you a deal.

[21:20] If you can bring my wife back, I'll give you your eye back.

[21:23] And then we'll do whatever. We'll save the day.

[21:26] And Horace is like, you can't really bring me back from the dead,

[21:29] but I'm gonna lie to you and say that I can.

[21:31] So already the rogue and the god are keeping secrets from each other.

[21:37] Horace's secret is he can't fulfill his end of the bargain.

[21:39] And Beck's secret is that, I don't know,

[21:42] he's like that he lost the role of Van Wilder when he auditioned for it.

[21:47] Because it's like they were like, let's get a guy who's like Ryan Reynolds.

[21:50] But like when he smiles, it just seems like someone taught him how to smile.

[21:56] That's really mean. I shouldn't have said that.

[21:58] He might listen to this.

[22:01] Ryan Reynolds is a big fan.

[22:02] No, no, I didn't insult Ryan Reynolds.

[22:05] I insulted the guy in the movie.

[22:06] All right.

[22:07] Yeah.

[22:08] Ryan Reynolds is America's sweetheart.

[22:10] He's never made a bad movie.

[22:12] He's never made a bad movie.

[22:15] It's proven.

[22:16] Okay, they go on a magic quest.

[22:19] They stick his dead wife in a drawer.

[22:21] They stick her in a drawer so that she'll keep.

[22:25] They put her in Horace's crisper to keep her fresh.

[22:29] And she's got to walk the afterlife because,

[22:31] and this is, I thought this was a perversion of Egyptian mythology,

[22:34] but it turns out they're just setting up a change later on.

[22:38] She's going to be in the afterlife where Anubis is keeping a close eye on her.

[22:41] Anubis, as you mentioned, looks like Dextaw Detective.

[22:43] And in this version of Egypt,

[22:45] if you don't have gold to give to the afterlife judges,

[22:48] then you disappear.

[22:50] But if you give them gold, you dissolve in a better way.

[22:53] It's like when you see it happen,

[22:54] both the poor man and the rich man dissolve.

[22:57] And it's not.

[22:58] Yeah, the rich guy's like,

[22:59] I'm going to live forever.

[23:01] And then he disappears.

[23:02] And then the poor woman just screams and then disappears.

[23:04] Yeah.

[23:05] But they weigh it against a feather.

[23:07] And if you don't, if it's lighter than a feather,

[23:08] then you don't get in.

[23:09] Anyway, that's not how Egyptian mythology works.

[23:11] It made me mad.

[23:12] But at the end of the movie, they kind of explain it.

[23:13] So it's okay.

[23:14] I'll get there.

[23:15] They go on a series of quest adventures

[23:17] of which I don't remember the order.

[23:19] So let's just tell you some of them.

[23:22] One of them, they fight a bunch of bull men

[23:25] who work for set on a waterfall.

[23:27] Uh-huh.

[23:28] All CGI.

[23:29] The water looks like some kind of viscous glue.

[23:32] Well, the only real thing in the scene is Nikolai Koster.

[23:37] How do you say his name?

[23:38] I don't know. Call him.

[23:39] The guy from Jamie Lannister.

[23:42] Which is mainly him just like spinning around

[23:44] and like the camera's spinning around constantly.

[23:47] I forgot that was him.

[23:47] They probably just put him on a wire

[23:49] and had him like spinning around.

[23:51] I don't know.

[23:51] Yeah, I mean, spinning was involved.

[23:53] Yeah, they put him on a big lazy Susan.

[23:54] Mm-hmm.

[23:56] I'm not a movie maker, but that sounds like it works.

[23:59] At one point, these two kind of like warrior-esque concubines

[24:05] of sets ride two giant snakes,

[24:08] like kind of sandworm types at them.

[24:10] And by working together, they're able to defeat them.

[24:13] And then also the God of Love shows up and helps them.

[24:15] And do you guys remember any of the other quests?

[24:17] They have to go.

[24:18] They go to the pyramid to get to the Sphinx.

[24:21] Well, they go into outer space.

[24:22] They go to outer space to go to Ra so that he can get...

[24:25] Oh, they have to go to...

[24:26] And they talk to Geoffrey Rush,

[24:27] who slaps his chest a couple times,

[24:29] each time growing slightly bigger and then catching on fire.

[24:31] Yeah, oh, that's right.

[24:33] First, they go to a mountain where he prays to Ra

[24:35] to get the strength to turn back into a metal griffon man again.

[24:40] This is Horace, not Beck.

[24:41] Come on, Beck's immortal.

[24:42] Uh-huh.

[24:43] And so he just gets carried up there

[24:44] like a little baby.

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:49] I'm realizing how much this just sounds like gibberish as we say it.

[24:52] Here's the thing.

[24:53] My first exposure to this film was the Subway posters,

[24:56] which was some kind of cyborg metal jackal man

[24:59] fighting some kind of cyborg metal griffon man.

[25:01] With gold splatters all over.

[25:03] With gold splatters all over.

[25:04] And I was like,

[25:04] this is either going to be the best or worst movie I've ever seen.

[25:08] And what we got was not the best.

[25:11] It was like someone...

[25:13] Every scene in this movie, I was like,

[25:14] this could be a really fun, good movie,

[25:18] but they're not doing it right.

[25:19] Gremlin Battler just hands it up as a bad guy.

[25:21] Gremlin, he's not one of the worst parts.

[25:24] Like, he does fine in it.

[25:25] Especially when he's just like...

[25:26] At least he raises his voice when he's trying to emote.

[25:28] Everyone else is just modulating pretty well.

[25:29] When he's like a computer-generated armor guy

[25:32] with just his head on top of it.

[25:35] What it felt like at times was like

[25:37] if someone read Jack Kirby's Fourth World New Gods books,

[25:40] which are great,

[25:41] and they're amazing,

[25:43] and said like,

[25:44] I want to make a movie like that,

[25:46] but I'm not going to put any of my soul into it.

[25:50] And I'm going to have a pretty boilerplate dialogue

[25:53] and also the effects are not going to look that great.

[25:55] Like, we're going to use a lot of them,

[25:57] but they're not going to look that great.

[25:58] But there's more adventures to be had

[26:00] because they also walk through a swamp

[26:01] to find the hiding place of the God of Wisdom,

[26:04] my favorite character in the movie

[26:05] because he's super sassy.

[26:07] And they take him to go answer the riddle of the Sphinx

[26:11] so that they can get to the heart of the desert.

[26:13] Why are you looking at me?

[26:15] He's played by What's-His-Face.

[26:17] And you know what...

[26:18] The guy who played Black Panther.

[26:19] You know the face on What's-His-Face.

[26:23] Chadwick Boseman, thank you.

[26:25] Chadwick Boseman.

[26:26] He is the best character in the movie.

[26:27] Live show pays off.

[26:29] Finally.

[26:32] Here's the thing they want to do.

[26:33] Apparently, Set's power comes from the desert

[26:35] because much like Willy Loman's brother

[26:38] who went into the jungle at 21

[26:40] and came out a rich, wealthy man,

[26:42] Set, having been forbidden by Ra to marry

[26:46] and have a child,

[26:47] wandered into the desert

[26:48] and came back with the power of the desert.

[26:50] And also...

[26:51] An army?

[26:52] I assume it haunts Osiris' dreams

[26:54] since Osiris is a failed salesman.

[26:57] And he came back with an army and big scarab beetles

[26:59] that pull his cherry and stuff.

[27:00] And so, if we can go to the source of the Nile,

[27:04] apparently, the source of the desert or the Nile,

[27:06] I don't remember,

[27:06] which is something called the Desert Fire or some nonsense,

[27:09] and drop this mystic water that we took from Ra's sail barge

[27:14] and drop it and it'll destroy the desert.

[27:17] It'll quench the thirst of the desert

[27:18] and that will kill Set's power.

[27:20] And so, they have to get through the Sphinx to do that.

[27:22] And what I didn't realize is that

[27:23] the Sphinx gives you as many tries as you need.

[27:26] Yeah.

[27:26] As long as, like...

[27:28] I don't know.

[27:28] He keeps trying to crush them

[27:30] and Horace is fighting him

[27:31] while the God of Wisdom is just guessing stuff.

[27:33] And then, finally...

[27:35] And then Beck, remember, you know, figures it out

[27:38] because Beck is...

[27:39] He's pretty clever for a mortal.

[27:42] Yeah, he's a sassy little mortal guy.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:44] And then the Sphinx goes,

[27:46] Oh, bother, and dissolves.

[27:49] But...

[27:49] No, he literally goes,

[27:51] Oh, bother, and dissolves.

[27:53] That's actually what happens.

[27:55] Because everyone in Egypt is English

[27:58] except for the ones that are Scottish or American.

[28:01] I mean, this is what...

[28:01] He's apparently Winnie the Pooh.

[28:05] He's basically Winnie the Sphinx

[28:06] or Sphinxie the Pooh.

[28:07] Yeah.

[28:08] I got my head caught in the biggest honeypot in Egypt.

[28:13] Oh, no.

[28:14] There's a rumbling in my tumbling.

[28:16] Riddle me this.

[28:18] He's also the Riddler.

[28:19] I like, yep.

[28:21] He's the original Riddler.

[28:22] I want to see, like, a Sphinxie Eeyore now, too.

[28:26] Oh, no one's come by to knock down my pyramid yet.

[28:30] Wow, you're really good at that, Dan.

[28:34] How'd you tap into Eeyore's soul like that?

[28:38] Hollywood, yes.

[28:40] And I got the right voice actor for you.

[28:42] That Eeyore spinoff you've been looking for?

[28:45] Hey, it's your nephew.

[28:47] It's your nephew, Gary Milne.

[28:49] I got that character you've been looking for.

[28:56] Well, listen to this.

[28:57] No, listen to this.

[28:58] Say it again, Dan.

[29:00] Say it again.

[29:00] I don't know why I'm miming a phone.

[29:02] Why, bother?

[29:04] Any improv person would tell me this is a bad phone,

[29:06] because I'm sticking my pinky in my thumb out.

[29:07] I love the idea that, like, say it again.

[29:09] Like, in a movie, like, you stop playing the song.

[29:12] Like, oh, he was here just a second ago.

[29:15] Can you play that same song you were just playing?

[29:18] No, we just did it.

[29:18] It was a live cassette.

[29:21] So they're about to dump that magic water in that fire.

[29:25] And then, boom, spike trap, of course.

[29:28] The gods are caught.

[29:29] Beck's the only one around.

[29:30] He has a good couple of minutes while Gerard Butler

[29:34] appears and taunts our other heroes.

[29:35] That's after he rips out Chadwick Boseman's brain.

[29:38] Yeah, he rips out Chadwick Boseman's brain,

[29:39] because that's the God of Wisdom special part.

[29:41] And it's, of course, a glowing brain made out of glass

[29:44] that, in a later scene, well, I'll get to that.

[29:47] And I'm saying, like, oh, he's going

[29:48] to eat it to get his powers.

[29:50] And it's basically that.

[29:51] Well, he gets into his magic dragon form.

[29:54] And they use, like, literally blow torches and stuff

[29:58] to pound the parts of the other gods.

[30:00] He stole from, he's been waging a war on the gods

[30:01] and stealing their special parts.

[30:02] Yeah, he's been chopping off the wings.

[30:03] Oh, what's the great, what's the best body part

[30:06] of all these people?

[30:07] Snatch.

[30:08] Yoink!

[30:09] Now put it in me.

[30:10] Now put it in me.

[30:11] He's Serpentor, basically.

[30:12] Yeah, he kind of is Serpentor, yeah.

[30:14] Except there wasn't so much like hammering stuff

[30:16] into him with sledgehammers with Serpentor.

[30:19] No, did they like cook him in a big oven?

[30:21] Yeah, well, they used the parts

[30:21] of all of history's worst people.

[30:24] But also, and they never got Sergeant Slaughter's courage,

[30:26] that's what I heard.

[30:27] That's true, yeah.

[30:28] That's why he's kind of a wimp and he always runs away.

[30:32] So they, Beck has a lot of time

[30:35] to pour this magic water in,

[30:36] but he's so busy, captivated by the drama

[30:39] of Set and his nephew Horace arguing with each other,

[30:42] that Set managed to walk over

[30:43] and just pour the water out on the ground.

[30:45] Uh-oh, it's no good.

[30:47] And things go from bad to worse

[30:49] because the pyramids falling down all around them,

[30:51] they're nothing they can do.

[30:52] Yeah, why'd that happen?

[30:53] Because.

[30:54] Why did it, but did Set make his own pyramid?

[30:58] As Dan said, we were watching it.

[31:00] Yeah, it was like, there's two minutes

[31:01] where no one was running and jumping from something.

[31:04] There was, nothing's falling down on anyone's head.

[31:08] Set goes up to Ra and he's like,

[31:10] how you like me now, Dad?

[31:11] How you like me now, huh?

[31:14] Does this, you know, like, you never let me have a kid

[31:15] and we never played catch, like, now?

[31:17] And Ra's like, mm, I still don't like you that much.

[31:21] But it's kind of, one of the things

[31:22] that you had commented on earlier

[31:24] was that at least Ra was not like.

[31:26] Well, then they sell that out, though.

[31:27] But when they first talk to Ra about it,

[31:29] he goes, they're like, he killed your son.

[31:31] And Ra goes, Set is also my son,

[31:33] as is all of this creation.

[31:35] It's all my creation.

[31:36] And it was one of those things where it's like,

[31:38] that was a believable moment for me of Ra as a god

[31:41] who is like, I made all of this.

[31:43] If something bad happens, I made that too.

[31:45] So don't come up and tell me

[31:47] that the wrong thing is happening

[31:48] because I made all of it happen.

[31:49] Then he's like, excuse me while I shoot laser blasts

[31:51] at this giant space worm.

[31:53] Excuse me while I use my laser spear

[31:55] to stop this mouth monster from eating the whole creation.

[31:59] Because that's, it's like, it wants to do,

[32:02] like I compared it to Jack Kirby's stuff before.

[32:03] Jack Kirby basically would take sci-fi superheroes

[32:06] and he'd craft a thing about the journey

[32:09] that a soul takes through challenges and obstructions

[32:12] to stay true to itself.

[32:13] This was kind of like that without that.

[32:15] So it was just like, what if the Egyptian gods

[32:18] were all kind of superheroes

[32:19] and they all had laser weapons and superpowers

[32:22] and they turned into robots?

[32:25] So at this point, Set kills his dad.

[32:27] Set kills his dad and takes his power,

[32:29] which is his spear.

[32:30] Tosses him into the space ocean.

[32:31] Except he's not really dead.

[32:32] He just needs his spear back, it turns out.

[32:34] But Horace and Beck, they're like,

[32:37] that's it, it's over, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.

[32:39] The goddess of love has given up her magic

[32:42] 42 diamond demon keeping away bracelet

[32:44] so that Beck can go see his wife in the afterlife again.

[32:47] This is a subplot I'm not even gonna get into very much.

[32:50] Well, no, like, yeah, no, it's important.

[32:51] Beck wants to go to the afterlife to see his wife.

[32:54] Yeah, to try and, like, to let her.

[32:59] She's about to be judged

[33:00] and she has nothing to put on the scale.

[33:01] Yeah, so Beck's like, I'm a loser, baby,

[33:03] so why don't you kill me?

[33:04] Boom, boom, boom, nice work.

[33:08] I'll bring my wife these two turntables and this microphone.

[33:12] That must weigh more than a feather.

[33:15] But yeah, we're into a big apocalypse now.

[33:18] Yeah, but not apocalypse now, which is a great movie.

[33:22] The worm has turned and has started to eat the world.

[33:24] And so while she's about to be judged,

[33:26] this chaos worm starts eating all of the afterlife

[33:29] and Anubis is like, I gotta fight him, but I can't do it.

[33:32] Beck, go back to Horace and tell him

[33:33] he's gotta stop this shit.

[33:35] So Horace, Beck goes back.

[33:37] He and Horace go and they challenge Set.

[33:39] They manage to convince the master architect

[33:42] to take them through the Black Needle Pyramid

[33:44] to get to the top where,

[33:46] so Set is kind of using Ra's spear to guide the chaos worm.

[33:50] He tells Ra, because then Ra's like,

[33:53] Set is using Ra's spear to guide the chaos worm.

[33:57] That should sound great.

[33:58] Normally that makes perfect sense.

[34:01] It's like weird Egyptian fridge poetry.

[34:07] You mean hieroglyphics?

[34:09] Okay.

[34:12] Yeah, take that ancient language.

[34:15] There's a bunch of fricking pictures.

[34:16] Anyway, so.

[34:17] Yeah, fuck you, eyeball bird.

[34:20] Eyeball bird me?

[34:22] No, no, no, no.

[34:23] Eyeball bird you, anonymous scribes.

[34:29] Hey, let me tell you something, Hetsepshut.

[34:33] I don't know if that's a real name.

[34:34] Let me tell you something, Aknoten.

[34:36] Okay, that's a good one.

[34:37] So.

[34:38] Take your kopesh and go somewhere else.

[34:41] Listen, Sesosphorus.

[34:44] They have hilarious names.

[34:45] But anyway, long story short, there's another big battle.

[34:50] Beck falls off a building during it, and.

[34:53] Horace is like, I'm gonna save Beck

[34:54] rather than save my eye.

[34:56] What?

[34:57] Because his eye.

[34:58] He can't morph into a robot

[34:59] if he doesn't have both eyes.

[35:00] No, no, no, no.

[35:01] No, no, a contraire.

[35:02] As it happens, the thing that he needed all the time

[35:05] was to protect his people.

[35:07] The fifth element?

[35:08] It turns out his magic, yeah.

[35:12] He did the.

[35:13] Corbin Dallas multi-pass?

[35:15] It turns out the magic eye he was looking for

[35:17] was like a Dumbo's Feather type scenario,

[35:20] and the power was in him as long as he was using it for good.

[35:24] In this case, to protect his people.

[35:25] Like that scene where Dumbo turns into a robot, Griffin.

[35:28] Hey, he flies.

[35:30] He turns into a robot that's like one of those

[35:32] fucking, we're gonna.

[35:35] Where are you going with this?

[35:36] Yeah.

[35:38] One of those videos that were like,

[35:40] let's show what high-definition television can do.

[35:45] You know what I'm talking about?

[35:46] Like the magic.

[35:46] Sure.

[35:48] Wait, I don't, magic eye stuff?

[35:49] Not magic eye, like the.

[35:51] Well, like the lightning.

[35:52] Like CGI stuff?

[35:53] I mean, that's pretty high-def.

[35:55] All right.

[35:56] That's just showing what computer graphics are capable of.

[35:58] Let's all realize that this was a road

[36:00] that I shouldn't have gone down.

[36:02] No, and let's keep going down it.

[36:04] You know what?

[36:04] This is the road to nothing but trouble, Sylvania,

[36:09] and we're just gonna keep going.

[36:11] We're gonna ignore all the signs,

[36:12] just keep heading until Dan Aykroyd

[36:13] throws us through Mr. Boneshaker.

[36:15] It was called Valkinvania.

[36:16] Valkinvania, that's right.

[36:18] Look, I have so much in my brain right now

[36:20] being used to remember Gods of Egypt.

[36:21] I can't remember nothing but trouble.

[36:24] They, it turns out they win the day in the end.

[36:27] What?

[36:28] Hey, yeah.

[36:28] Get out of here.

[36:29] The chaos worm doesn't devour the source of life, the Nile?

[36:33] Set gets killed, Horace gives the staff back to Ra,

[36:36] which wakes Ra up from his death sleep

[36:38] because dead Ra and his house floating in space

[36:42] was dead dreaming or whatever it is,

[36:45] and he shoots his, he goes,

[36:47] you will not eat the world or something,

[36:49] and I like, the most fun part of this.

[36:51] The world is not enough.

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:53] The most fun, there's two fun things in this movie.

[36:56] One is, there's one scene where Gerard Butler

[36:58] puts on a scarab-shaped helmet

[37:00] and just imagining him showing up at the set

[37:02] and then being, this is what you're wearing in the scene,

[37:03] and Gerard Butler being like,

[37:04] I'm not wearing this fucking shirt.

[37:07] But then he had to do it,

[37:08] and the other is imagining Geoffrey Rush

[37:11] in front of a green screen wearing

[37:12] what's essentially a bathrobe and a ponytail.

[37:15] Just going like, you shall not devour creation.

[37:18] Pew, pew, pew, pew.

[37:20] I bet if they shot it all at a spa

[37:23] that Geoffrey Rush was at,

[37:24] they'd just put up a green screen bath.

[37:25] Well, I'm gonna be at Canyon Ranch these days,

[37:27] so come on by.

[37:28] You'll add fire and lasers and stuff

[37:30] so it looks like I'm doing something, right?

[37:32] I don't care, I'm Geoffrey Rush.

[37:33] There is a great scene near the end

[37:35] when Rufus Sewell, who was playing a bad guy,

[37:38] big surprise. Of course.

[37:39] Is fighting our girl back.

[37:40] Not even gonna tell the story

[37:41] about when I saw him in a play playing good guy,

[37:42] he was great.

[37:43] Anyway, keep going.

[37:45] I saw him in a play for once, too.

[37:47] I saw him in Richard III in London.

[37:49] He was terrible.

[37:50] Really?

[37:51] He was really good in rock and roll.

[37:52] It was a bad production.

[37:53] Okay.

[37:54] So he takes his bathrobe off.

[37:55] You can still be good in a bad production.

[37:57] Jared Harris when I saw him as Hamlet.

[37:59] So he takes his bathrobe off

[38:00] and he's covered in a head-to-toe,

[38:02] like, gold toga or something,

[38:04] and he's like, oh, I got my afterlife paid for.

[38:07] And then he's just about to get killed

[38:08] when Beck's like, oh, the Chaos Worm's

[38:12] gonna eat creation, so.

[38:13] So you're not going to the afterlife.

[38:14] You're not going to the afterlife.

[38:15] And there's the rape moment.

[38:16] Rupert Sill literally looks at the camera

[38:18] and is like, what?

[38:19] No.

[38:20] He goes, oh, like, oh, and falls to his death.

[38:27] And he plunges to his doom.

[38:29] Everyone falls off of buildings in this movie eventually.

[38:33] Don't we all, Elliot?

[38:34] Beck is dead and Horace takes him

[38:36] to his crisper to lay him next to his wife.

[38:38] Ross shows up and he goes,

[38:39] I've never been in debt to anybody,

[38:41] but I'm in debt to you.

[38:42] What would you like?

[38:44] And Horace says, the one thing I can never provide.

[38:47] And Rob brings Beck back, brings Ziya back.

[38:50] They're alive, hey.

[38:52] And now Horace takes his rightful place as king

[38:54] because he's the son of the other king.

[38:56] Why wouldn't he rule everybody?

[38:58] Surely what they didn't learn from this

[38:59] is that monarchy is a joke

[39:01] and that the Egyptian dynasty,

[39:04] as even for the thousands of years it ran,

[39:06] is built on the false idea that a mortal man is a god.

[39:10] It makes me really mad when I think about

[39:11] how long they've managed to pull that scam off.

[39:13] Like, you guys don't need to have a say in your lives.

[39:16] I'm totally a god.

[39:17] Anyway, I married my sister.

[39:19] I'm a god now, whatevs.

[39:20] Anyway, so.

[39:21] I feel like you're just jealous.

[39:24] I am not, one, the word to be envious.

[39:26] They're not stealing something from me.

[39:28] And two, I'm not.

[39:29] Wow.

[39:30] That is a distinction that has not been made

[39:32] for God knows how long.

[39:35] Dan, Stu, you wanna say anything?

[39:36] I was just gonna say, so, but Horace-

[39:38] Oh, we're not done with the ending though, yeah.

[39:39] Horace, in his first act as king,

[39:41] makes a pretty big change to the way things work.

[39:44] He says, well, the one, he's like,

[39:47] hey, I'm gonna be about helping people.

[39:49] So from now on, the afterlife's not based

[39:52] on bringing treasure.

[39:53] It's based on the good deeds you do.

[39:55] Because the important thing is to be compassionate

[39:57] to each other.

[39:58] And it's like-

[39:59] Which is-

[40:00] Bullshit, dude. What about all the gold I say?

[40:03] What am I gonna do those damn goal? There's all these rich people you imagine?

[40:07] Oh, I was really hoping they were gonna cut to Rufus Sewell like right in line for the scales

[40:14] Sorry rules changed and that's what made the whole movie

[40:17] I'm like, that's not how it works

[40:18] You weigh your heart against the feather and if it's heavy with sin and weighs more than the feather than you disappear

[40:23] but they fixed it at the end that's to show he's a good king and

[40:26] And

[40:28] Horace is like I'm gonna go off on some kind of quest or some nonsense. So back. I'm gonna leave you in charge or something

[40:34] He's like, he's the Tyrion to this Daenerys, you know, and then they're like just hanging out in Egypt. You pronounce those names weird

[40:40] I don't know

[40:42] Whatever how it says it pronounced Tyrion didn't Daenerys. It's totally exactly what you said

[40:49] I

[40:51] Cannot hear the difference. I'm standing. I'm sitting right between the two of you. It's like a stereo in my

[40:57] Yeah, our voices are identical

[41:02] No

[41:03] You know, that's it. That's that's there any and is there no end and Horace is like I got two credits nothing but bloops

[41:09] I got a quick

[41:12] Lies off he does his spider-man swinging around at the end of the Tobey Maguire spider-man's and flies around the CGI Egypt and we're done

[41:20] Cue the bloops. I like the idea that they're like really like like one of the bloops was it?

[41:24] Oh, like instead of turning into like a bird man. I turned into a bear

[41:31] Guys what animal I was was to turn into line eagle, man. All right, of course

[41:39] so it's a movie that it had it was packed full of stuff like it was packed full of crazy stuff and

[41:45] Probably 87% of what was on screen never existed. It was all computer animated things. That's probably right

[41:51] And so looking at let's do what we always do every episode and come up with one thing. We liked about the movie

[41:58] Every episode ever been a thing and I'm gonna say

[42:03] Reoccurring bit I really liked Black Panther's performance as the God of Wisdom. Yeah. Yeah, he brings like an arch almost like Wentworth Miller

[42:11] Performance to it. Yeah, as long as we're doing performances, I really like Rufus Sewell's performance. He was kind of camping. Yeah

[42:19] And I like it when they morphed into robots and fought each other

[42:23] every time they showed these

[42:26] Human Giants morph into robot flying guys. They almost expect the audience to be like, whoa

[42:34] Which like after you've seen that a million times and the rest of the movie is all fake

[42:38] Nothing is going to make you say whoa anymore

[42:41] No, and I will admit I like to look some parts of the scene where they're being chased by the giant

[42:47] Yeah, I mean that was okay. I like giant snake worms. All right, who doesn't did you like the giant snake worms?

[42:52] Sure, but aside from those things, you know me

[42:57] Posters of giant snake worms on my bedroom wall

[43:01] There of them every night you're a weird kid, it's creepy

[43:05] It's creepy

[43:07] Especially that one poster where the snake worm has noticeable nipples. Yeah, that's

[43:12] How's she gonna how's she gonna feed her better real blowout

[43:18] We should much audience support for the idea of that poster

[43:22] We should move on to the next segment. We should uh, we should do final judgment final judgment thing. We really did

[43:27] It was a good bad movie

[43:30] God of Egypt

[43:33] Or a movie we kind of liked gods of Egypt's disease with a cure

[43:40] Tostitos for everybody

[43:45] Hey look

[43:47] Slice alone is pretty nervous. I don't know if he's gonna be around all these people, but he stopped by

[43:50] I don't know what to tell you. So Dan, what's your deal? Is this a bad huge movie?

[43:54] Was it a good more movie or was it a was it a sleepy sensation? I

[43:59] Did not fall asleep during this movie which puts it above two movies that we watched

[44:05] We also watched it at 1 p.m. As opposed to 8 p.m.

[44:09] Sleep would have been a real I would have worried about you physically

[44:13] For about half an hour. I was like, this is a good bad movie, but it's a bad bad movie it it bored me

[44:19] I'm sorry. I

[44:20] apologize to Alex Proyas

[44:23] Gerard Butler

[44:25] You know, I mean, I don't think I think Gerard Butler is still gonna punch it if he sees

[44:31] Nikolai Koster wall. No, I you know what? I'm gonna disagree with you

[44:36] It was it was too long, but I'm gonna say there's a good bad

[44:41] because

[44:43] Too long and by the end of it I was tired of it one of it's a good man movie

[44:47] Just turn it off when you're done watching it

[44:49] You don't need to watch the whole thing and to every couple of minutes

[44:52] There was some kind of crazy CGI monster throwing a building at somebody or getting or getting their leg cut off and gold blood spewing everywhere

[45:00] I'm gonna back up Elliot on this one

[45:05] You know, that's worth it for the shots of people riding in chariots with the super fakie background

[45:11] Those were like any scene where it's a close-up of somebody in a background flying past them really fast is hilarious

[45:17] The effects are funny. It looked like a scene in a Quentin Tarantino movie where he's doing that deliberately

[45:22] Yeah, like make you laugh not since

[45:26] Pompeii as I have I seen effects so goofy hilarious. Mm-hmm. All right, so you have

[45:34] By the people have spoken because we live in a democracy not a bullshit monarchy like ancient Egypt

[45:38] Hey

[45:45] It's Dan breaking in here with a little flophouse housework, please don't hit that skip button because we've got some exciting news

[45:51] We are going on our first

[45:54] Tour. Well, let's not call it a tour because it's just one place but our first live show

[46:00] Outside of the New York City area. We will be in Washington DC on

[46:06] August the 5th, that's a Friday doing a show at black cat

[46:12] The show is at 9 p.m. Tickets are $20

[46:15] A little more expensive than when we do shows in New York, but we got to cover our travel expenses

[46:21] and we hope to see you all there if you live in the DC metro area, please

[46:27] Come by and see us and if you can get there come by and see us

[46:31] This is a sort of a proof of concept for doing more touring

[46:35] so we have to try and bump up the

[46:38] Crowds as much as we possibly can to prove that we are a draw and then maybe we'll

[46:44] Go other places like the West Coast perhaps perhaps even Canada. Who knows?

[46:51] We're looking into a lot of options right now. So please

[46:56] Tickets are available

[46:57] At a link that I will put up on the website for this show

[47:02] If I forget to put it up for this show, it's still there on the website if you click on the blog area

[47:08] There's an announcement for the show or if you go to maximum fun org, it is listed among the live shows

[47:14] So we hope to see you again on August 5th

[47:18] At 9 p.m. At Black Cat in Washington DC

[47:22] But we also have a message up on the jumbo Tron this week

[47:26] It's to Peter from surge who says hello peaches

[47:30] I have grown old and have not done enough good in my life

[47:34] My one surely good act was to introduce my son Peter

[47:38] Graduating from the University of Vermont this week to the flop house

[47:42] He has since listened to every episode and participates actively on the flop house Facebook page. Is this enough surge?

[47:49] I would say that that's plenty surge

[47:51] There is no greater gift a man can give to his child than the gift of the flop house

[47:58] Thank you for writing in

[48:01] For your son Peter and in support of the flop house

[48:05] Lastly this week. The flop house is spent sponsored by Mack Weldon

[48:10] Mack Weldon believes in smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping

[48:15] Their clothes are designed to be the most comfortable you will ever wear underwear socks shirts undershirts hoodies and sweatpants

[48:23] all their products are naturally antimicrobial, which means that they eliminate odor and

[48:28] They would like you to be comfortable

[48:30] So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep that pair and they will still refund you. No questions asked

[48:37] So if you want to

[48:40] Try out Mack Weldon's underwear and more you can go to Mack Weldon comm and get 20% off using the promo code flop

[48:48] I am literally wearing some right now and they are delightful

[48:54] So now we take you back to the cake shop in New York City

[48:58] Thanks again to the pod fest for having us and I hope you enjoy the rest of the show

[49:04] So normally now is when we would do letters, but as is our tradition when we have a live show

[49:09] We're gonna take questions from the audience

[49:12] We have this microphone set up over here. It's currently pointing away from the audience, which is kind of weird

[49:18] But so you'll have to walk around

[49:21] Hey guys, I know you might be scared to get up and talk to ask us a question

[49:27] Don't be scared cuz we won't bite tonight is the night

[49:33] We won't bite if you ask us a question

[49:36] Normally, we would tear out a chunk of flesh with our teeth if you bothered if you had the temerity

[49:45] To ask us a question. We are your gods

[49:49] like the gods of Egypt

[49:52] Fighting each other sister and brother fighting each other for the crown of Egypt

[50:00] But tonight, we won't. We just don't. Tonight.

[50:08] Tonight.

[50:09] Stuart, do you have a verse in you?

[50:12] Tonight. That's it. Okay. Give me some letters.

[50:19] That was the briefest Smashing Pumpkins cover I've ever heard.

[50:24] So, okay. Let's do some verbal, some vocal letters. We call them questions.

[50:30] Dan, is there any sort of protocol for this?

[50:34] Oh, yeah. So, we all have been at Q&As where you're like, what the fuck was that?

[50:42] Why did that person ask that question?

[50:45] Or sometimes it's like someone's like, I have a question, and then it's just a story about something.

[50:51] So, the protocol is, if you would be in your seat saying like, why the fuck is that guy doing that?

[50:57] That is a terrible question. Maybe don't ask it.

[50:59] If somebody else was asking the thing you were asking, and you would find it boring, then don't ask that question.

[51:04] Also, a lot of times people want to come up with these things and tell the speakers how much they like them.

[51:09] Don't worry about it. We know you like us. You're here. That's really nice.

[51:12] We appreciate it. That's really nice.

[51:17] That's a lot of pressure. And they do the introduction with the first name and the last name withheld, right?

[51:22] That's right.

[51:23] Yeah.

[51:24] Speak closer to the microphone.

[51:26] Get up in there.

[51:27] Yeah, put it up in your grill.

[51:29] But.

[51:30] No.

[51:32] We'll accept that word.

[51:34] It's not a bad word around here.

[51:36] What I am most interested in is, what was the scariest scene you three have seen?

[51:44] Today?

[51:46] No.

[51:49] In the movies we watched for this podcast, or just in general?

[51:52] In general.

[51:53] Oh, okay.

[51:54] What is the scariest thing that you have seen?

[51:58] In a movie.

[51:59] Also, Dan, you killed it on the podcast.

[52:05] All right.

[52:06] Thank you.

[52:07] He lost faith in his question halfway through.

[52:12] Scariest scene we've ever seen in anything?

[52:15] I don't know whether this is actually the scariest scene, but the first thing that came to my mind was.

[52:20] The little movie called The Parent Trap.

[52:24] I was like, what if someone cuts the back of my dress away?

[52:28] They're trying to get those two parents back together.

[52:31] They're just going to go apart again.

[52:33] You know they're going to be disappointed.

[52:37] So, The Thing, the remake of The Thing.

[52:40] I thought you said The Thang for a minute.

[52:43] You know, that thing.

[52:45] Like a sexy, sassy version of The Thing.

[52:47] That thing.

[52:52] No, The Thing.

[52:55] Someone correctly, in the audience, correctly identified the reference as Warren Hill.

[53:01] You win the no prize.

[53:05] So, the whole movie or is there a specific scene in The Thing?

[53:08] You're talking about the Carpenter version.

[53:11] It's not the blood test scene.

[53:13] It's the scene where they're going to put the defibrillator on.

[53:17] Yeah, that's a scary scene.

[53:19] And the chest opens up and chomps down with big chest teeth.

[53:24] And you're like, chest don't normally do that.

[53:28] 90% of the time, I've never seen chest do that.

[53:31] I'm going to say, for me, growing up, the scariest thing was still the twin girls in The Shining.

[53:37] Super scary.

[53:40] Won't ride my big wheel around there.

[53:44] No, sir.

[53:45] You've been wanting to, but you won't.

[53:46] No, thank you.

[53:48] Mom, Dad, I got one hotel we shouldn't stay at.

[53:52] I think as a kid, it was probably Large Marge.

[53:55] It was a big adventure.

[53:58] Or there's one ghost in Ghostbusters who's driving a taxi cab at the end.

[54:02] And that ghost is too scary.

[54:04] And he's like, now I look at him and he's like the Crypt Keeper, which means he's adorable.

[54:08] At the time, I was scared by the Crypt Keeper.

[54:10] Yeah, now every time you get in a cab, you're like, please be the ghost from Ghostbusters.

[54:16] But that would be amazing.

[54:18] But I don't know.

[54:19] As an adult, I don't know.

[54:21] I think as an adult, it would be difficult because now as a dad, anytime a kid is in peril, it's scary to me.

[54:29] But in a way that is not like fun.

[54:31] There's a scene in Under the Skin where a child is left on a beach and you know no one's coming for it.

[54:36] And it's a small kid.

[54:37] And you also know that like they needed this kid to cry for the movie.

[54:40] And it's just like it's not a it's a good movie, but it's like that scene was a little too much for me.

[54:44] It's going to become a Mowgli or something, Elliot.

[54:46] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[54:47] Oh, good.

[54:48] Yeah. An octopus is going to take him underwater and teach him how to breathe underwater.

[54:52] And someday you'll have to go to the land fish again.

[54:58] The man.

[54:59] Under the Skin 2 sounds great.

[55:01] It's called Jungle Book 2, the ocean book.

[55:06] But I don't know, maybe that nothing has ever been as scary to me, I think, as when I was a kid,

[55:11] seeing a cardboard cut out in the video store of Chucky and being like, what is that?

[55:16] I don't like it.

[55:19] And of course, now Chucky is adorable.

[55:20] That's.

[55:23] OK, so that's the answer to that one.

[55:24] Yeah.

[55:26] Yeah. Next question.

[55:27] Next question. Let's keep it moving.

[55:28] Hey.

[55:29] Hi, I'm Corinne.

[55:30] Last name withheld.

[55:31] Hi, Corinne.

[55:33] Hi, guys.

[55:34] Let's hear it for Corinne.

[55:38] Thanks for your question.

[55:40] Talk to you later.

[55:42] My question is, so you guys have announced your first road show.

[55:45] I assume this means you're going to get a sweet airbrushed van.

[55:48] What's going to be airbrushed on the side?

[55:50] I think, I think Stuart tweeted, somebody tweeted a picture at us.

[55:53] Of the tall man from Phantasm?

[55:55] There was a Phantasm fan.

[55:56] But instead of flying balls, it's our heads.

[55:59] Yeah.

[56:00] And we're smiling because it's a really enjoyable thing.

[56:04] Or maybe it's like the Star Wars, the like Boris Vallejo type Star Wars poster.

[56:10] And Stuart is Luke and Dan is Leia.

[56:13] And I'm like, I don't know, what, an X-Wing or something?

[56:20] So I don't know.

[56:21] Yeah, that was good enough.

[56:24] Let's get another cue up here so we can A it.

[56:26] I love this guy's dollar sign.

[56:29] Oh, yeah, they threw it out to the crowd to increase hype.

[56:34] That was, yeah, that was given out earlier.

[56:37] He didn't walk here from the subway.

[56:41] Although he will walk back to the subway with it.

[56:44] Yeah.

[56:45] Hi, I'm Matt, last name withheld.

[56:48] I'm Matt.

[56:49] I share a lot in common with each of you and I love musicals.

[56:53] I love actually good movies.

[56:55] I love D&D modules.

[56:58] So I want to ask of all the movies you've covered during your time in the flop house.

[57:02] What would you like to turn into a musical?

[57:04] What do you think is a salvageable, actually good movie?

[57:07] And what would you like to rewrite as a Dungeons and Dragons module?

[57:15] Good question.

[57:16] Three questions in one.

[57:17] Solid question.

[57:24] I think, so I got two choices.

[57:27] One, strangely enough, is Gods of Egypt.

[57:30] Because that would make a bonkers musical.

[57:34] Julie Taymor up that stuff.

[57:37] But the other would be, and this might, don't just take it as the fact that these are the most recent ones we've seen.

[57:42] Maybe I don't remember the others.

[57:44] That We Are Your Friends could make a real Rent-style musical.

[57:48] Which I wouldn't like, but a lot of teen girls would buy that soundtrack and I'd make a lot of money.

[57:54] And then in 20 years they'd all be like, I'm embarrassed I liked that so much.

[57:59] And I would have been right all along.

[58:01] So you guys?

[58:04] This question presupposes that we don't forget every movie that we watch nearly immediately.

[58:10] I mean, I think it's pretty clear, trying to talk about Gods of Egypt, that between 1 and 11 tonight, half of it at least went out of our brain.

[58:22] I mean, you took a huge nap, dude.

[58:26] That's like your body just getting rid of the day's garbage.

[58:30] And what else would you call Gods of Egypt than that?

[58:34] So I'm just going to go with a movie recently that I kind of liked.

[58:37] If Burnt didn't make the main character such an asshole, and it had him actually encounter a few real obstacles on his way.

[58:50] His head almost gets sous-vided.

[58:54] I was corrected by a friend of mine in the pronunciation of that, and I don't remember what the real pronunciation is.

[58:59] It sounds like a culinary superhero, sous-vide.

[59:05] I like it.

[59:06] And since that's the closest thing to a joke I'm going to find here, I'm just going to move along.

[59:11] Okay, for a D&D module, I would say my best bet is with Oogie Loves and the Big Balloon Adventure!

[59:20] I cannot, like, what spells would you have to cast on that big floating sombrero to get it to move?

[59:27] I wanted a CR on that thing, it would be so hot. I don't know how you could defeat it.

[59:31] So what sort of character classes would Toofie be versus...

[59:37] Toofie's got to be a rogue, right?

[59:40] I don't remember what they did.

[59:42] Toofie's the one whose pants fall down all the time.

[59:44] Then there's Science Boy, and then there's the girl.

[59:46] Okay.

[59:48] And there's Bobby Wobbly.

[59:50] He's got some kind of a terror attack.

[59:52] Bobby Wobbly's like chaotic evil, right?

[59:55] Certainly.

[59:57] Bobby Wobbly is the monster you throw in just to be a dickhead.

[1:00:00] to your friends, because there's no way they can beat it.

[1:00:02] That's the one where I'm like, I can't wait to read the description in the book

[1:00:06] about how scary he is.

[1:00:10] OK, turn the lights down and then put on, I don't know, this filter album,

[1:00:15] because it's really scary and badass.

[1:00:19] I think that answers the question, I guess.

[1:00:21] Sure, good question, good question.

[1:00:24] A lot of pressure.

[1:00:26] Hi, it's Liz, Etsy store withheld, because I've been on the podcast a couple of times.

[1:00:31] Hi, Liz.

[1:00:32] Hi, Sue.

[1:00:33] Hi, Liz.

[1:00:34] Hello, everybody.

[1:00:36] So my question is, what is your favorite stupid monster from anything, basically?

[1:00:40] And I have two examples.

[1:00:41] All right.

[1:00:42] One being the compact disc centibite from Hellraiser 3.

[1:00:46] Took my answer, didn't have to come up with another one.

[1:00:48] And the other one being in Silent Hill 4, The Room,

[1:00:51] there is a hospital patient monster that burps when you hit it.

[1:00:55] And, I don't know, oh, we're not at the best part yet.

[1:00:58] If you happen to hit it down a flight of stairs, it will burp on every step it hits.

[1:01:04] And it's a thing in an otherwise very frightening game that made me laugh so hard,

[1:01:08] I felt like I was having a stroke.

[1:01:10] So, stupid monsters.

[1:01:11] Stupid monsters.

[1:01:13] Because Eric Marceczak is in the audience tonight.

[1:01:16] Woo!

[1:01:18] I've got a...

[1:01:19] Superstar Eric Marceczak!

[1:01:20] Let's take a moment now for this question to answer.

[1:01:23] Who is Eric Marceczak?

[1:01:24] Eric Marceczak is, among other things, the guy who introduced Dan and me.

[1:01:28] And so...

[1:01:31] That's true.

[1:01:31] And was the comedy mastermind behind the late lamented Juby Hall Theater,

[1:01:36] where we spent a lot of time performing.

[1:01:37] Put up a show called Sarah Schaefer's Obsessed With You.

[1:01:40] You may know Sarah Schaefer from television.

[1:01:43] Yeah.

[1:01:44] So, he's a real comedy impresario.

[1:01:47] Yeah.

[1:01:48] But he introduced me to a film called...

[1:01:51] And Elliot, I believe.

[1:01:52] To a film called Hard Rock Zombies.

[1:01:53] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:55] We've talked about it on the podcast before.

[1:01:57] There's a Nazi zombie, like, gnome creature.

[1:02:02] He's like a puppet.

[1:02:03] He's a little puppet who, through the movie, for inexplicable reasons, is slowly eating himself.

[1:02:08] He's eating his own...

[1:02:09] He's eating, he's like...

[1:02:10] He has a jar of sugar, and he puts it on him.

[1:02:13] And he's eating, and then by the end of it, he's got no skin left.

[1:02:17] And the mask that's on the puppet just gets sucked into the mouth.

[1:02:22] I don't know what was supposed to be scary about that, or why he was doing that,

[1:02:29] or what's threatening about someone who basically disposes of themselves as a threat.

[1:02:34] I don't know.

[1:02:36] I didn't make the movie.

[1:02:36] You're the maker of Hard Rock Zombies, right?

[1:02:38] I didn't make it, but I wish I had.

[1:02:43] So, we've vamped for long enough.

[1:02:44] Yeah.

[1:02:45] Let's answer this question, Elliot.

[1:02:47] I'm having trouble thinking, because all monsters are amazing, so...

[1:02:51] I'm going to say Chet from Weird Science.

[1:02:54] That's the brother who gets turned into, like...

[1:02:55] Wait, he's a monster?

[1:02:56] Hold on a second.

[1:02:57] I mean, he's a terrible brother.

[1:03:00] He gets turned into kind of a...

[1:03:02] Like a pile of poop with arms.

[1:03:04] Yeah.

[1:03:05] If that's not the definition of a monster...

[1:03:08] It's not at all.

[1:03:10] But, okay, I'll take it.

[1:03:12] Stupid monster.

[1:03:14] I think I'm going to take...

[1:03:18] It's not...

[1:03:22] Good podcasting.

[1:03:23] You know what?

[1:03:24] You know what?

[1:03:25] I can't think of a stupid monster, but I'll tell you a stupid monster trope that I don't like.

[1:03:28] I'll give you an example of it, which is when a monster is mistaken for a person in a costume.

[1:03:34] Yep.

[1:03:34] I'll give you an example, which is the movie The Guyver, in which a guy...

[1:03:38] With Mark Hamill, yeah.

[1:03:39] With Mark Hamill, which a guy transforms into a monster and accidentally runs onto a movie set,

[1:03:43] and they think that he's the guy in a costume for the movie.

[1:03:46] And it's like, come on.

[1:03:48] That exists in a universe where Halloween costumes and costumes in general are way better than they are in the real world.

[1:03:55] And I cannot buy that.

[1:03:57] Because usually, even if someone's wearing a costume, they still have to wear shoes.

[1:04:00] Monsters, unless it's Dracula or the Wolfman halfway through.

[1:04:05] Or I guess Frankenstein's monster.

[1:04:07] They don't wear shoes.

[1:04:08] I'm sorry.

[1:04:09] I mean, Frankenstein's monster is kind of known for his shoes.

[1:04:12] Yeah, shut your mouth, Frankenstein.

[1:04:14] Yeah, he's kind of what?

[1:04:16] He's known for his shoes.

[1:04:18] He is a footwear-based...

[1:04:19] Yeah, he's known for his line of shoes.

[1:04:21] Yeah.

[1:04:22] It does look like he's wearing Doc Martens around all the time.

[1:04:27] Well, it's ironic, because what he's actually responsible for is Steve Madden shoes.

[1:04:31] And that's why in all his ads, you see horrible, kind of inhuman creations.

[1:04:35] He's wearing shape-ups, which is why his butt is so tight.

[1:04:40] Even though he was given the butt of someone who never worked out, it looks amazing now.

[1:04:46] Those shoes don't work.

[1:04:47] Anyway, that's the answer to that.

[1:04:49] There you go.

[1:04:50] I couldn't think of one.

[1:04:51] And I know on the way home, I'll be thinking of a couple.

[1:04:53] So anyway, I'll let you know later.

[1:04:56] Next question.

[1:04:59] Hey, guys.

[1:05:00] Jeremy, last name withheld.

[1:05:02] Hey, Jeremy.

[1:05:03] Jeremy Sesto.

[1:05:04] So tonight, I watched The Vavitch.

[1:05:08] And to hold off the anger of the crowd, I thought there were lots of really good things

[1:05:15] in the film.

[1:05:16] However, I was disappointed, because I expected a horror film, and it felt like more of a

[1:05:21] period drama.

[1:05:22] This is what I like to think of as a kangaroo jack effect.

[1:05:26] A movie that is mismarketed in its genre.

[1:05:30] It's a period drama in that it's no longer a point when Jerry O'Connell can open a film.

[1:05:35] That's a time in history we can remember.

[1:05:38] Although, to be fair, the kangaroo opened that movie.

[1:05:40] It's probably because of that scene where Black Phillip does that rap.

[1:05:44] When you like to live deliciously, maliciously.

[1:05:48] So my question to you is, what is your favorite examples of a film that you think would be

[1:05:54] good, but was unfortunately mismarketed for the genre that it was intended for?

[1:05:59] John Carter.

[1:06:00] John Carter.

[1:06:01] John Carter was mismarketed.

[1:06:02] It was a really good movie, and they made it look bad.

[1:06:05] That's a very simple answer.

[1:06:09] Yeah, I snuck in there.

[1:06:11] You didn't really give us a lot of time to think.

[1:06:13] Nope.

[1:06:14] Do you want to talk more about it?

[1:06:16] I'll say, what's that grown-up movie?

[1:06:18] Or adults?

[1:06:19] What's it called?

[1:06:20] Halfway grown-up?

[1:06:21] That Shirley Stern movie?

[1:06:22] Oh, Young Adult.

[1:06:23] Young Adult.

[1:06:24] You're a monster.

[1:06:26] I went to see a movie about a terrible mother-in-law, and it wasn't until halfway through the film

[1:06:33] that I realized, either this has been marketed wrong for me, or I bought a ticket to the

[1:06:36] wrong movie.

[1:06:37] Where's Jane Fonda?

[1:06:42] But yeah, I think Young Adult, if I had known halfway through that it was not really a comedy,

[1:06:46] I probably still wouldn't have liked it, but I would have understood it.

[1:06:50] Damn it, maybe I would have respected it.

[1:06:53] I got nothing.

[1:06:55] Okay.

[1:06:56] I'm sorry.

[1:06:57] You want to do what I did with the silly monster thing and just do a sideways answer that's

[1:07:00] not quite what they're asking for?

[1:07:02] Instead, I'll sing a song.

[1:07:05] To dream the impossible dream.

[1:07:10] To do a thing that I don't know.

[1:07:14] To be there when I should be over here.

[1:07:18] That's it.

[1:07:21] The hit number one song from Man of Dementia.

[1:07:30] Yes, another question, please.

[1:07:32] Hello, hello.

[1:07:33] Hello.

[1:07:34] My name is Elizabeth, and I have a question for you.

[1:07:37] With the exception of our Lord and Savior, Nicholas Cage, if you could have anyone living

[1:07:44] on the podcast, who would you select, and what movie would you watch with them?

[1:07:49] I mean, I'm mad about Mads.

[1:07:51] That goes without saying, and I'm going to mispronounce his name as Mads through the

[1:07:55] whole episode.

[1:07:56] What movie?

[1:07:57] I don't know what I'd watch with him.

[1:07:58] I mean, I love the Hollow Risings.

[1:07:59] We would just watch it with him and be like, that's awesome when you're beating that

[1:08:01] guy up.

[1:08:04] Hey, what was that scene like when you beat that other guy up?

[1:08:11] I feel like, this is a weird one since he's now your boss, but I feel like having Joel

[1:08:16] on would be great.

[1:08:17] Oh, yeah.

[1:08:19] It would be great.

[1:08:20] It would be really good.

[1:08:22] This is a little sexual for Joel, but I always...

[1:08:29] But I want Joel inside me.

[1:08:31] I just thought it was a little movie called All Anal Nurses.

[1:08:33] Like in Inner Space?

[1:08:35] No, I...

[1:08:40] Like in Inner Space, right?

[1:08:42] Yeah, you want to shrink him down.

[1:08:44] Yeah.

[1:08:45] And then have sex with him.

[1:08:47] So he can find out that you're pregnant.

[1:08:48] No, one of my favorite bad movies is Heart Ticket to Hawaii.

[1:08:52] Joel always tried to stay away from too much sex and violence.

[1:08:58] Well, because that's because MST3K is a family show.

[1:09:00] Yeah.

[1:09:01] This is not a family podcast.

[1:09:02] I mean, he is a grown man with two children.

[1:09:04] He knows how it's done.

[1:09:06] That's one of my favorite bad movies.

[1:09:08] You don't need to worry that he's going to be horrified.

[1:09:10] If you want to see a giant poisonous snake pop out of a toilet and then someone shoot

[1:09:14] it with a rocket launcher, watch Heart Ticket to Hawaii.

[1:09:21] If I could watch a movie with anyone, I'd probably watch a movie with Jeffrey Combs.

[1:09:29] And that movie would be a little movie I like to call Castlevania.

[1:09:37] Yeah, I mean, you already watched it with the Freak.

[1:09:40] I already watched it with the Freak.

[1:09:41] Now I want another perspective.

[1:09:44] I want to get it's two sides of the same coin, Ellie.

[1:09:46] Yeah.

[1:09:49] Step right up.

[1:09:51] Hey, dudes.

[1:09:52] What's up?

[1:09:53] What's up, dude?

[1:09:54] Hey, man.

[1:09:55] That's pretty cool.

[1:09:56] My name's Louis.

[1:09:57] So let's say like, first of all, I'm a guy.

[1:10:00] I'm a guy.

[1:10:01] I'm a guy.

[1:10:02] I'm a guy.

[1:10:03] I'm a guy.

[1:10:04] I'm a guy.

[1:10:05] I'm a guy.

[1:10:06] I'm a guy.

[1:10:07] I'm a guy.

[1:10:08] I'm a guy.

[1:10:09] I'm a guy.

[1:10:10] I'm a guy.

[1:10:11] I'm a guy.

[1:10:12] I'm a guy.

[1:10:00] If Gerard Butler's next movie is tailor-made for the Flophouse, what would it be?

[1:10:06] I mean, we kind of watched it today, but that's...

[1:10:12] What do you guys say?

[1:10:13] Oh man, so we watch a lot of big, crazy action-adventure movies that just do really poorly,

[1:10:20] but we've already seen him in so many of those.

[1:10:22] We've also seen, but we saw him in Bad Dad Soccer Dad, too.

[1:10:25] We did see him in Bad Dad Soccer Dad.

[1:10:26] And we saw him in The Ugly Truth, right?

[1:10:27] The Ugly Truth, yeah.

[1:10:30] He's like a triple threat, quadruple threat.

[1:10:32] You know, I want to see him in an animated film, as a voice.

[1:10:36] Okay, so you'd hear him, you wouldn't see him.

[1:10:38] No, he's playing...

[1:10:40] No, it's like cool world, too.

[1:10:42] I don't want to strunk and white you, but I'm a little worried about your incorrect usage throughout the podcast.

[1:10:46] No, he's playing himself.

[1:10:48] Oh, so it's a cartoon about Gerard Butler.

[1:10:50] It's a cartoon about Gerard Butler trying to make Bad Dad Soccer Dad.

[1:10:55] Okay.

[1:10:57] It's like the player, but it's animated.

[1:11:00] And it's got Dexter Artective as the sidekick.

[1:11:05] And the romantic interest, I assume?

[1:11:07] The romantic interest is Betty Boop.

[1:11:09] Okay.

[1:11:11] I would like to see him in a historical drama,

[1:11:14] in which he plays a famous inventor from either the 18th or 19th centuries.

[1:11:17] Because I want to see him...

[1:11:19] Oh, no, here's what I want.

[1:11:20] I want him to play Archimedes.

[1:11:22] Because I want to see how he'd handle the scene where he discovers displacement of water

[1:11:25] and jumps out of the bath and runs through the town naked.

[1:11:29] You see out in Eureka.

[1:11:30] But I also want to see the scene at the end where the Romans...

[1:11:32] Not Romans, whoever that soldier is from that killed him,

[1:11:35] goes up and tries to kill him, but he changes history and kills that soldier dead.

[1:11:39] Because he's not Archimedes, he's Gerard Butler.

[1:11:43] Or as I'm going to call him, Gerard Archimedes.

[1:11:48] I feel like we haven't seen him in a musical yet.

[1:11:53] He was in the Phantom of the Opera.

[1:11:55] Oh, but I didn't see that.

[1:11:59] So technically, Stuart's correct.

[1:12:04] So we should stop with the people who are currently in line.

[1:12:08] Not that I feel...

[1:12:10] Are you okay?

[1:12:11] Someone fell down in the back.

[1:12:12] You seem to be all right.

[1:12:14] Okay.

[1:12:15] It's getting rowdy, so let's...

[1:12:16] Yeah, if you're not online right now, you're not asking a question.

[1:12:19] This place is about to E-X-P-L-O-D-E like Neo-Tokyo.

[1:12:23] So, boom.

[1:12:25] That's a reference to a poster.

[1:12:29] Anyway, next question.

[1:12:31] Hi, Seth.

[1:12:32] Last name withheld.

[1:12:33] Hi, Seth.

[1:12:34] I really appreciate the disclaimer at your live shows for Q&As,

[1:12:38] because Hell on Earth is a Comic-Con Q&A.

[1:12:42] I'm in there.

[1:12:43] It's terrible.

[1:12:44] Just trying to go over the Alan Q&A.

[1:12:46] A lot of old people have a lot of stories about when they saw each individual Woody Allen movie.

[1:12:51] And they're dying soon, so they don't care how much of your time they take out.

[1:12:56] That sort of answers my question, which was,

[1:12:59] what's the worst Q&A session that you experienced?

[1:13:04] Yeah, pretty much.

[1:13:05] Oh, that was it for me, yeah.

[1:13:06] Woody Allen was at the 92nd Street Y, and they said ahead of time,

[1:13:09] he's going to be talking about...

[1:13:11] He selected a number of movies to be asked about that mean something to him,

[1:13:15] and he's going to discuss those.

[1:13:16] He's not going to talk about his own movies.

[1:13:18] And every question, the moderator had to be like,

[1:13:21] no, we've already said he's not going to talk about his movies.

[1:13:24] Do you have any questions about...

[1:13:25] We want to create a discussion on these movies.

[1:13:27] Every question.

[1:13:28] Everyone had a story about how much they love Woody Allen movies

[1:13:31] and how much they meant to them,

[1:13:32] and they were each waiting for that moment when Woody Allen was like,

[1:13:34] you know what?

[1:13:36] No one is ever connected with my films the way that you have.

[1:13:41] Meet me backstage, because we're best friends now.

[1:13:44] And I want to spend every day with you.

[1:13:47] And anoint you as my heir.

[1:13:50] I don't know if I can think of a specific one,

[1:13:52] but I do think that if you go to a movie Q&A,

[1:13:57] most of the time, the guy who's running the Q&A

[1:14:00] is just the programmer for that particular movie theater.

[1:14:04] And the skill set that is, let's program a movie theater,

[1:14:08] is different from the skill set of, let's talk in front of people.

[1:14:12] Let's potentially keep this weird creative guy on track.

[1:14:18] But also, it's very much like,

[1:14:20] I am so in awe of you,

[1:14:24] and let me talk for 12 minutes,

[1:14:28] giving my interpretation of the film that we just watched,

[1:14:31] and then you are going to say yes or no,

[1:14:33] because I have asked a non-open-ended question at the end of that.

[1:14:38] I would say the worst Q&A I went to was also the best,

[1:14:41] which was a Q&A that Elliot went to with me.

[1:14:44] Was it Only God Forgives?

[1:14:46] Yep, which was for the, let's say, mixed-received movie,

[1:14:50] Only God Forgives, directed by Nicholas Wendig-Ruffin.

[1:14:53] And the panel was all either Thai actors,

[1:14:57] or Nicholas Wendig-Ruffin, who was a super weirdo.

[1:15:00] Or the star of the movie, why can't I remember?

[1:15:03] Ryan Gosling.

[1:15:06] There was plenty of film students asking their questions

[1:15:09] that just were basically trying to show off how much they knew.

[1:15:12] But the highlight of the Q&A was when Ryan Gosling,

[1:15:15] when asked if he could play any character in any film,

[1:15:19] who would he play?

[1:15:20] And he said, Freddy Krueger.

[1:15:24] The room went crazy.

[1:15:29] I'll tell you a story where the question-askers weren't the problem,

[1:15:32] where the person answering the question was the problem.

[1:15:34] This is a Q&A that I went to with the same person that I was with

[1:15:37] the Only God Forgives one.

[1:15:39] My friend Brock Mahan is in the audience.

[1:15:41] Anyway, where this was a screening of Targets,

[1:15:45] in which Peter Bogdanovich was introducing the film.

[1:15:47] And he went so long, and he pulled a trick.

[1:15:51] I got so much respect for him pulling this trick.

[1:15:53] The moderator was openly, openly being upset

[1:15:57] with how long Peter Bogdanovich was taking.

[1:16:00] Because they had to run the film,

[1:16:02] and I think they had to cancel the screening afterwards

[1:16:04] because he went so long.

[1:16:06] I might be remembering that wrong, but that's how I remember it.

[1:16:08] But he talked for, it was supposed to be like a 15-minute introduction,

[1:16:11] when at least 45 minutes.

[1:16:12] Because he would answer a question, and before the moderator could say anything,

[1:16:15] Bogdanovich would say, one more question, one more question.

[1:16:18] And he answered at least 12 one more questions.

[1:16:21] And so many of his stories were about famous people who are dead now,

[1:16:24] so they can't deny it, telling him how good he is about stuff.

[1:16:28] I can imagine a young Elliot like sweating and getting excited

[1:16:31] about the possibility of doing that exact same thing.

[1:16:35] Someday, someday.

[1:16:39] Oh, Jeff, last name withheld.

[1:16:41] Hey, Jeff.

[1:16:42] I'm wondering if there are any recent bad movies

[1:16:45] you have intentionally avoided doing for the show.

[1:16:51] I feel like we have definitely pointedly not done The Ridiculous Six.

[1:16:57] Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true.

[1:16:59] Every time I want to watch something for Sandalvember,

[1:17:02] you insist that Sandalvember doesn't exist.

[1:17:04] Yeah.

[1:17:05] And that we're not allowed to just watch the Adam Sandler movie.

[1:17:11] I don't know.

[1:17:12] Also, we pointly avoid anything that is over like 95 minutes.

[1:17:16] Yeah, we try.

[1:17:17] I mean, that's the sweet spot.

[1:17:19] Sometimes we end up with a two-hourer because we didn't realize it.

[1:17:21] 87 minutes.

[1:17:22] Yeah.

[1:17:23] Just crank it up, please.

[1:17:24] And there's sometimes when there's a movie I want to watch for the Flophouse,

[1:17:26] Ben just goes ahead and watches it on his own because he's good like on a plane.

[1:17:30] Or what?

[1:17:31] What's the last one?

[1:17:32] Can you remember one?

[1:17:33] Off the top of my head.

[1:17:35] No, I don't remember.

[1:17:36] But a lot of times you go, well, I watched it because I thought we might kind of like it.

[1:17:39] And I'm like, yeah, thanks.

[1:17:43] I don't think you understand what the point of the podcast is.

[1:17:47] Like, I'm deliberately trying to fuck with you guys.

[1:17:50] Oh, I see.

[1:17:52] Nine years of this.

[1:17:53] I never realized.

[1:17:54] And I never realized.

[1:17:55] It's like a Stanford experiment.

[1:17:56] I feel like every time I show up to watch a movie and it isn't Bucky Larson born to be a star, I'm like, thank you.

[1:18:08] All right.

[1:18:09] We got one more question and then you can get out of this hot, hot room down here.

[1:18:13] Or stick around and have a drink.

[1:18:15] Yeah, stick around and have a drink with me, dude.

[1:18:19] Please.

[1:18:20] You can have a drink with Stuart or Dan, but not me.

[1:18:23] Anyway, I'm going to go home.

[1:18:25] I got places to be tomorrow.

[1:18:27] And that place is.

[1:18:30] Wait, what?

[1:18:32] Someone yelled something.

[1:18:34] Someone wants to touch his face.

[1:18:35] Yeah.

[1:18:36] And that's not going to happen because that's how you get pimples.

[1:18:38] Anyway.

[1:18:41] That's an old, that's an old Cary Grant beauty tip.

[1:18:43] He'd say, don't touch your face.

[1:18:44] That's how your skin looks.

[1:18:45] Anyway.

[1:18:47] How's it going?

[1:18:48] Nick.

[1:18:49] Last name with Tilda.

[1:18:50] Being that there's a direct connection to Mystery Science Theater.

[1:18:54] If you could actually take any of your episodes.

[1:18:58] And.

[1:18:59] Bring it to the.

[1:19:02] Now the live setting.

[1:19:04] But if you want to call it for Mystery Science Theater.

[1:19:07] In between episodes.

[1:19:09] What would be.

[1:19:11] The.

[1:19:12] Catch or what characters would you want to play.

[1:19:15] From the movie you're watching.

[1:19:17] Segment you're saying.

[1:19:18] Yeah.

[1:19:19] In those segments.

[1:19:20] When.

[1:19:21] We get Torgo.

[1:19:22] Yeah.

[1:19:23] We get Ortega.

[1:19:25] What would you guys like to.

[1:19:27] Take and make your own like Mystery Science Theater.

[1:19:30] Post episode.

[1:19:34] Good question.

[1:19:37] Question points on that.

[1:19:38] I think it would be fun to be an Oogie Love.

[1:19:43] Dan says that while leering at us.

[1:19:46] He said wistfully.

[1:19:50] You guys ever.

[1:19:51] Get in one of those Oogie Loves.

[1:19:54] Yeah.

[1:19:56] No.

[1:19:57] I mean Toofie would.

[1:19:58] Obviously be the one to be fun to be.

[1:20:00] What, do you want to be the science one? Come on.

[1:20:03] You got to say science-tastic.

[1:20:05] I'd love to get to be a snake man from Jonah Hex.

[1:20:09] Snake man!

[1:20:11] I think I would want someone to come on playing, not his character from Fateful Findings, but Neil Breen himself.

[1:20:20] Because there's such a great divide between his character and the Korean Neil Breen.

[1:20:25] If I could get Neil Breen, that would be the most, that would be the sweetest thing of all.

[1:20:32] That's from If I Were a Rich Man.

[1:20:34] Oh.

[1:20:36] Yeah, you couldn't tell because I didn't do my Tevye slash Bane voice.

[1:20:40] Why didn't you do that?

[1:20:42] You know what, Dan, sometimes you make decisions that are the wrong decision in the moment.

[1:20:46] Alright.

[1:20:47] It's called being president. Anyway.

[1:20:50] We've had a lot of fun tonight, guys.

[1:20:52] Yeah, what have we learned from this show, Dan?

[1:20:55] How far over are we going?

[1:20:56] Pretty far over.

[1:20:57] So, Dan, what did we learn tonight?

[1:21:00] We learned that when you get 150 people in a small room, it gets very warm.

[1:21:07] Just take your shirt off, dude.

[1:21:09] They don't want it. That's what they want.

[1:21:13] That's what they want.

[1:21:14] I have an undershirt on.

[1:21:16] It's like when we record in your place.

[1:21:18] So, what do we do next? Do we do recommendations?

[1:21:24] No.

[1:21:25] Are we recommending anything?

[1:21:27] No, we're not recommending anything. This is part of the podcast.

[1:21:30] Movies. Movies are great, guys. Go check them out.

[1:21:34] Pop some corn.

[1:21:35] I think we've had a lot of laughs, but I'm going to say, you know what?

[1:21:38] Visit your local library.

[1:21:41] Horace may have done a lot of crazy things back in ancient Egypt, but he was right.

[1:21:46] That's how we take care of each other and do nice things for each other.

[1:21:49] And are we going to thank everybody for coming out?

[1:21:51] Thank you for coming out to Cake Shop in NYC for the New York City Potfish.

[1:21:58] Thanks for listening. Thanks for laughing.

[1:22:00] Thanks for loving. Thanks for learning.

[1:22:03] Thanks for living. And if you do it, thanks for laughing.

[1:22:06] Thanks for lusting.

[1:22:10] Not what I was going to say.

[1:22:12] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:22:14] For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:22:18] Alright, guys. I'll be for the Flophouse, too.

[1:22:21] And I'll be Elliot Kalin.

[1:22:24] Good night, everyone.

[1:22:27] Bye!

[1:22:28] R-O-C-K in the USA!

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Ep. #205 - Gods of Egypt

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