Ep. #205 - Gods of Egypt

S6

[0:00] What do you say we get this started?

[0:03] This is a sold out show, I said how about we get this started!

[0:09] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the NYC Podfest stage, the original peaches themselves,

[0:15] The Flophouse!

Elliott Kalan

[0:30] The Flophouse!

[1:00] We don't need to do that, alright.

[1:03] I feel like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:04] I want to go out on a limb here, guys, but I think New York City is the best city.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] I heard, you know, when The Flophouse performed in Brooklyn, we heard that Brooklyn rocked pretty hard.

[1:15] But here in Manhattan, I don't know.

[1:19] The smallest tour.

Dan McCoy

[1:23] So we should introduce ourselves, I mean that's traditional.

[1:26] Sure.

[1:27] Yeah.

[1:27] Hey everyone, I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:30] Woo!

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] Hey there, Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:35] Woo!

Elliott Kalan

[1:38] Hey Dan and Stu, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:41] Yay!

[1:42] Are you sure?

[1:43] You seem like an imposter.

[1:45] You're wearing a suit.

[1:46] I am dressed nicely, which is not how I'm usually dressed for The Flophouse.

[1:51] Usually I am wearing pajama pants.

[1:52] Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

[1:54] And not so much a shirt, I guess.

[1:57] I mean, it started as a shirt.

[1:59] And then through years of a game I call Hug a Porcupine.

[2:04] It's just been shredded.

[2:06] It's not what it sounds like.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] You're actually having sex with the poor people.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] I call it hugging.

[2:15] But no, I'm dressed up unlike these other guys because I came straight here from the Peabody Awards.

[2:23] You're a real awards dropper.

[2:26] Yep.

[2:26] I did drop the award and it broke.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] I mean, I do work on the same show.

[2:32] I don't know why I'm so bitter about this.

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] Yeah.

[2:34] You shared a piece of that.

[2:36] You just weren't at the event.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:38] You didn't get to see Steve Martin and David Letterman on stage.

[2:41] Yeah, you're behind camera talent.

[2:45] I'll have you know, Dan once played a Santa Claus in a wrestling unitard.

Dan McCoy

[2:52] To hell with that, I once played a guy who was me, who explained...

[2:56] It was the part you were born to play.

[2:59] I once played a guy who explained analingus to Jon Stewart.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] Yeah, so your parents kept a copy of that one, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[3:09] They were literally out of the country when it happened.

[3:13] This is weird.

[3:14] We can see everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[3:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:16] This is an intimate...

[3:18] Very intimate.

[3:20] This is an intimate state.

[3:21] Half the audience is in our lab.

Stuart Wellington

[3:22] I'm going to fill it up with my microphone so I can look at you guys when I talk.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Dan, why are you turning into Dee Snider's Strangeland?

[3:31] We're sitting at a table for the people listening to this with big microphones in front of us

[3:34] and it feels like we're at the UN.

[3:38] Yep.

[3:39] We're explaining why we blew up Sokovia right now.

[3:46] Dan, speaking of explanations, can you explain to the audience at home and here in the room

[3:51] and in space when it gets beamed out to aliens?

Dan McCoy

[3:54] When we put it on a golden record.

[3:58] What do we do on this podcast?

[3:59] This is a podcast where we watch...

[4:00] I mean, what is this?

[4:02] Is it a podcast?

[4:03] It's a podcast.

[4:04] Okay.

[4:05] Where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[4:08] Now...

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] Now, Dan, if I could...

Dan McCoy

[4:11] People are excited by premises.

[4:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:14] If I could ask you a question, Dan, roughly put, and I think you'll understand what I mean.

[4:18] Ma nishtana halayla hazeh.

[4:21] Why is this episode different from all other episodes?

Dan McCoy

[4:25] Because we are doing it live, live, live.

[4:30] From the cake shop in beautiful New York City.

[4:34] It's part of the NYC Podfest.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:39] That's totally true.

[4:40] And also...

[4:40] Accurate.

[4:41] And also, why is this episode different?

[4:44] Um...

[4:45] On all other episodes of The Fluff House, we watch the movie and then we immediately record.

[4:50] That's right.

[4:50] Yes.

[4:51] But on tonight's episode, we watched it earlier this afternoon.

[4:55] And now we're recording.

[4:56] At 1 p.m.

[4:57] And as a result, our usually fairly slipshod grasp of the details of the film may slip yet another shoe.

[5:05] Yeah, let's...

[5:07] Which I'm just realizing is the literal meaning of slipshod.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] You're going to go on an adventure with us.

[5:14] An adventure through the brain.

[5:16] Specifically our brains.

[5:17] As we try and remember...

[5:19] What film are we trying to remember, Dan?

[5:21] Gods of Egypt?

[5:23] Yes.

[5:24] I barely even remember the title of the movie we watched.

[5:28] I think that's part of...

[5:29] But it's so unique, Dan.

[5:30] Well, I think part of it is there's also Exodus Gods and Kings.

Elliott Kalan

[5:33] Yeah, it's not even...

[5:34] Okay, that's a movie, yeah.

[5:35] It's not even the only movie about Egypt with gods in the title.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:39] Within what, like a...

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] Featuring an entirely all-white cast.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Uh, I...

[5:44] Okay, now here's the thing.

[5:45] Almost.

[5:45] Okay, I'm sorry.

[5:46] It is a mostly white cast.

[5:47] It is an entirely non-Egyptian cast.

[5:50] Yeah, that's a good point.

[5:51] But they managed to throw in several other races as extras.

[5:55] Mm-hmm.

[5:56] Snakes.

[5:57] And there's also giant snakes.

[5:59] Where's their representation?

[6:00] It's a race.

[6:01] Yeah.

[6:03] You're forgetting about the parts played by a cadre of bullmen.

[6:08] That's true.

[6:09] Kind of like, uh...

[6:10] I imagine, like, the kids who grew up seeing Rocksteady and Bebop on TV and were like,

[6:14] maybe there is a place for me in entertainment.

[6:17] But we should, I guess, should we talk about what the movies are?

[6:19] Yeah, we should, uh...

[6:21] Yeah, usually we dick around a little bit, but...

[6:23] Yeah, yeah.

[6:24] So instead, let's not do that.

[6:26] Which we've just been doing, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[6:27] Guys, I think it's time that we get right down to Anu Bizness.

[6:40] Dan, top it.

[6:41] Top that, Dan.

[6:42] Top that.

[6:44] I've been working on that since 1 p.m. today, guys.

Dan McCoy

[6:49] Hurrah for the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] Now, is that a playoff of...

[6:54] And it's already better than mine.

[6:55] That's a playoff of Horace.

[6:57] Which is also the name of a character.

[6:58] Yeah, let's say it's a playoff of both.

[7:01] Okay.

[7:01] And I'm gonna go, oh, Cyrus.

[7:04] Oh.

[7:05] That should have been mine.

[7:06] That's my impression of Egyptian Dan McCoy.

[7:10] So, let's take you back.

[7:13] Let's everyone close our eyes.

[7:14] Which is what you would not do if you were watching the movie,

[7:16] because the visuals are the only things of interest in the film.

[7:20] And imagine that we live in a world called Ancient Egypt.

[7:23] It's not the Ancient Egypt you're aware of.

Dan McCoy

[7:25] It's not your daddy's Ancient Egypt.

Elliott Kalan

[7:27] It's not your what?

[7:28] Family.

Dan McCoy

[7:28] It's weird that if we live in the world called Ancient Egypt,

[7:30] we're calling it Ancient Egypt.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] It seems like we should call it the present day.

[7:34] No.

[7:35] They were very meta and very aware of their place in history.

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:39] They were like, this isn't forever.

[7:40] Someday we'll all be old.

[7:42] We'll be Ancient Egypt.

[7:45] So, this is an Ancient Egypt where all the crazy god nonsense that they believed in,

[7:50] which as we know now was totally crazy cuckoo.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] As opposed to all other religions.

Elliott Kalan

[7:56] Whoa, hot take.

[7:58] Whoa, whoa.

[7:59] Let's just say, Dan, let's just say, Dan, that in the battle between all religions over,

[8:04] which is the true one, I think it's fair to say that Egypt has stumbled and fallen in the marathon.

[8:09] And its bloody, chafed body has been pulled off the track.

[8:12] Well, particularly as shown in gods and whatever.

[8:16] Gods of Egypt.

[8:18] Gods in Egypt, gods and kings is about a still very viable religion.

[8:22] Oh, that's right.

[8:22] That's still in the race.

Dan McCoy

[8:23] That's Exodus gods and kings.

[8:24] I'm talking about Christian Baalism.

[8:27] No, but it is a crazy version of...

[8:29] What is it called, Exodus gods in Atlanta?

Stuart Wellington

[8:31] Not Egypt.

Dan McCoy

[8:32] Gods of Egypt is a crazy...

[8:33] I can't remember what that book's called.

[8:34] That would be ridiculous.

[8:36] Dan?

[8:36] Gods of Egypt postulates a world where gods are just sort of taller than the rest of us.

Elliott Kalan

[8:40] Well, they kind of...

[8:42] So, it takes place in this mythical Egypt where the world is flat, and Egypt is basically all of it.

[8:48] And the gods, the Egyptian gods, they posit, are very much like the Greek gods,

[8:53] which in essence are just bigger, more powerful people that are total...

[8:56] And golden blood.

[8:57] Now, the difference is that these Egyptian gods, they have the names of the famous Egyptian gods.

[9:02] You know, Osiris and Horus and like...

[9:05] And Peggy.

[9:06] And...

[9:07] We were talking about that backstage.

[9:09] Anyway, and they also have golden blood, and they can transform into robot monsters.

[9:14] Yeah.

[9:16] But not at will.

[9:17] They need...

[9:18] Some real transmorphers.

[9:19] And every one of them has a magic glowing body part inside of them that, when removed, lowers their power essence and their energy levels.

[9:27] It's a real...

Dan McCoy

[9:28] It's a real video game of a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[9:31] It is a...

[9:32] There is not since Prince of Persia, a game...

[9:35] A movie based on a video game.

[9:37] Really not since...

[9:39] Since...

[9:40] Star Wars Requels.

[9:41] Have I seen a movie that was so much of a side-scrolling leveler?

[9:44] Yeah.

[9:44] It's just like...

[9:45] Now he's got a...

[9:46] Okay, he's going to jump through that trap.

[9:47] Now he rests on a platform for a minute.

[9:49] Now he times it on the next trap.

Dan McCoy

[9:51] Oh, no.

[9:52] There's spikes.

[9:53] Oh, he's got to wait.

[9:54] Okay, the spikes are done.

[9:55] Run forward a little bit.

[9:56] Okay, save your game.

[9:58] Save your game.

[9:59] Go to the bathroom.

[10:00] Now hydrate.

[10:02] Now vibrate?

Stuart Wellington

[10:03] Hydrate.

[10:04] No, hydrate.

[10:04] Okay.

[10:05] But you can vibrate, too.

[10:06] They're doing really great things with video game controllers now, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[10:10] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[10:13] Oh, you guys thought that was gross.

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] So it posits a world where everyone's Egyptian, they just don't look Egyptian at all.

[10:21] Or sound it.

[10:22] And Osiris, who has been king of creation for a thousand years, and is the son of...

[10:28] Oh, well, actually, there's a long bullshit opening narration.

[10:31] Of course there is.

[10:32] Of course there is.

[10:32] And it's all CGI at this point.

[10:34] It's all over CGI symbols.

Stuart Wellington

[10:36] Like, there's no weird old guy who's like, gather around, younglings.

[10:39] Well, there is.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] In the narration, it's like a long...

[10:42] I'm the only one left from a long time ago, so maybe the story isn't as ever.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] Let me dust off this scroll for me to read aloud to you.

[10:48] My mother always told me about Egyptian gods.

Elliott Kalan

[10:53] But there's a voiceover that explains that there's Ra and his two sons, Osiris and Set.

[10:58] One's good, one's bad.

[10:59] Hey, that's how it works.

[11:00] And they...

[11:02] Thank you.

[11:03] Somebody sang it.

[11:07] And Osiris has been king of creation for a thousand years.

[11:10] Ra, as we find out later, lives in a space boat where every night...

[11:14] Every night, he shoots lasers out of his laser spear at a giant tooth smoke monster that's

[11:20] trying to eat all of creation.

[11:21] And because even though Ra created it all, he's still...

[11:24] He's not in control of all of it.

[11:25] I guess it's like in the book of Job, where God talks about Behemoth.

[11:29] And I think it's Behemoth, right?

[11:31] And Leviathan.

[11:32] Are you talking about Bahamut, the god of good dragons in D&D?

[11:36] No, not at all.

[11:37] You know what?

[11:38] Forget I went down that road.

[11:39] Let's just backtrack to the crossroads and I'm going to go down the path not least taken.

[11:45] That's going to make all the difference.

Dan McCoy

[11:46] You're an Egyptologist.

[11:48] I've read about it.

[11:49] I was going to say I've written about it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] I have not.

[11:50] I've read about it.

[11:52] Is this giant worm a thing?

[11:54] Is that a thing?

[11:55] Oh, the chaos worm that eats all of creation?

[11:57] Yeah.

[11:58] I've got to say I've never come across it, but maybe it is.

[12:00] I don't know.

[12:01] Look, they took a lot of license, as mentioned with the robot transforming.

[12:06] And so, but Osiris is like my son Horus, who's kind of a nare-do-well.

[12:11] He's not living up to his potential, but he's got magic eyes that let him see everything

[12:14] and he's never taken by surprise.

[12:16] He's going to be the new king.

[12:18] And meanwhile, there's a robber, a thief named Beck, who we're introduced to basically

[12:23] just being Aladdin in the beginning of Aladdin.

[12:26] Like he might as well just be singing the song, gotta steal to eat, gotta eat to live, otherwise

[12:31] we'd get along.

[12:32] Like that's basically what he's doing.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] Yeah, our hero is introduced robbing a local small business owner.

[12:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:40] Is that angry you as a small business owner?

[12:42] Yes, it does.

[12:43] And now imagine he has none of the charisma of DJ's boyfriend from Full House.

[12:48] Just like the cartoon Aladdin was gifted with.

[12:52] And imagine that almost everything you see in the entire movie is CGI to the point that

[12:56] it is almost like...

Dan McCoy

[12:58] Yeah, Anubis looks like Dex Dogtective.

[13:00] It like...

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] And there are so many scenes where, even scenes where someone's riding a chariot, it's like

[13:05] the worst digital rear projection you've ever seen.

[13:08] And all the dialogue is mixed at the same low level and delivered as if they're just sitting

[13:14] on a couch.

[13:15] So even when they're like running from big snakes or a pyramid's collapsing around them

[13:19] and they're making quips at each other, the quips are like, you gotta run faster, you try

[13:23] to run faster.

[13:24] Like it's...

[13:25] Everyone is too...

[13:26] The visuals are so overblown and fake.

[13:28] Next time you drive the chariot.

[13:29] Yeah.

[13:30] And the performances are so calm.

[13:32] Like they just...

[13:33] Everyone in Egypt...

[13:34] Like the Nile has just been like doped with pharmaceuticals from the factory that's up at the headwaters.

[13:40] Which ironically are in the south.

[13:42] Even though when you look at a map, you think it's gonna flow up northward.

[13:45] This goes to show up and down the constructs of our mind.

[13:48] Anyway, just like Buckminster Fuller said, it should be in and out, not up and down.

[13:52] Anyway, I digress.

[13:54] We're about three minutes into the film.

[13:57] So, Beck is married...

[14:00] Thank you.

[14:01] Beck is married to a woman named Zay, who is...

[14:05] I thought it was Zaya.

[14:06] Oh, Zaya?

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:08] Okay.

[14:09] I'll remind you I saw this movie hours ago.

[14:12] Is married to Zaya...

Dan McCoy

[14:14] Her main character trait is that she has a plunging neckline.

Elliott Kalan

[14:17] Yes.

[14:18] It's a very cleavey movie.

[14:19] They should have called it Gods of Cleavage.

[14:22] There's still time.

[14:23] Yes.

[14:25] To what?

[14:26] Stop the presses.

Dan McCoy

[14:28] Go to a...

[14:29] Go to your blockbuster.

[14:29] Go to a closed blockbuster video.

[14:31] Yep.

[14:32] Slap a sticker over the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[14:35] Yeah, of course.

[14:35] Somebody go do that.

[14:36] Send us a picture.

[14:38] We're not gonna give you anything for it, but...

Dan McCoy

[14:41] A bug literally just fell in my hair.

[14:45] Was it a scarab?

[14:47] That's a genuine question.

Elliott Kalan

[14:50] That's a...

[14:51] Okay.

[14:52] Long story short.

[14:53] Osiris is handing his throne over to Horus.

[14:56] Horus doesn't deserve it.

[14:57] He's in love with the god of love.

[14:58] They have sex in a little pool surrounded by his handmaidens, who are regular people, so they look tiny.

[15:03] All the gods are about 18 feet tall, 15 feet tall.

[15:08] And so anyone...

[15:10] So the handmaidens, I kept thinking, were the little girls from Mothra, who are tiny, and fit someone's hands.

S6

[15:15] That's why you were singing the song when we watched the movie.

[15:16] So I was singing the Mothra song through much of those early scenes.

[15:19] Yeah.

[15:19] It's a beautiful song.

[15:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:23] But right in the middle of the coronation, uh-oh, Set comes along, played by Gerard Butler, who decided, I'm playing an Egyptian god of evil.

[15:32] I'm not even gonna mask my Scottish accent.

[15:36] And he comes in and he goes, I got this magic horn for you as a gift.

[15:40] Blow it for him.

[15:41] And Horus, like, does a little jazz trill on it.

[15:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:45] He blows it as if he's Clarence Clements.

[15:48] He's got a little pose.

[15:50] He's like...

[15:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] It's like, take my picture, album cover.

[15:58] That's the signal for Set's soldiers to come in and take over.

[16:01] Set kills Osiris and he beats the daylights out of Horus and pulls his eyeballs out.

[16:06] It's okay.

[16:06] His eyeballs are little glowing marbles.

Stuart Wellington

[16:09] Which was a bummer when Set killed Osiris because Osiris here was played by Brian Brown, the star of FX, The Deadly Art of Illusion.

[16:20] Oh, shit.

[16:21] Which was clearly a nod to all the FX in this movie.

[16:24] I did not realize that.

[16:25] He was disguised because he had that little soul patch thing.

[16:28] He had a little goatee, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] I should have known.

[16:30] A little goatee.

[16:30] This was an Australian film, so you see a lot of Aussie actors in there.

[16:34] You see a lot of people who are in Mad Max Fury Road.

[16:36] Like who?

Elliott Kalan

[16:36] Oh, a couple of the women in it were brides from Mad Max Fury Road.

[16:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:39] But I think according to the IMDB trivia section, because I did my research, guys.

[16:47] That's what I'm known for.

[16:49] That's my brand.

[16:51] But like about...

[16:52] Stuart the librarian, the librarian, Wellington, the column.

[16:54] About like 200 personnel in total.

[16:56] Like visual effects people were all from Mad Max Fury Road, which was just about as good

[17:01] as this, right?

[17:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:02] It really shows you...

[17:03] Some say that the director is not the guiding force of a film and that it's, in the end,

[17:08] wholly collaborative.

[17:09] I would say these two movies put up against each other would prove that very wrong.

[17:14] That there is a handful of creatives at the top of the pyramid, pun, who really set the tone.

[17:24] That's not a pun.

[17:26] That's just me finishing a sentence.

[17:28] I also like that I basically said, George Miller's a better filmmaker than Alex Proyas.

[17:32] And everyone was like, boo, boo, boo.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] Dark City's underrated.

[17:36] No, he's terrible.

[17:38] There's a lot of knowing fans in the audience tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] So, Dark City's a fine movie that doesn't age that great.

[17:47] You know, that's okay.

[17:48] So, it's a great B-plus film.

[17:50] Look, yeah.

[17:50] Kiefer Sutherland as the weird, perverted scientist is amazing in it.

[17:55] But anyway.

[17:56] Also appearing, Rufus Sewell in this film.

[17:59] As...

[17:59] What's his name?

[18:00] Who has Urshah, I think.

[18:01] He's like the high...

[18:02] He's the master builder.

[18:04] Because Set has now enslaved all the Egyptians.

[18:06] You either worship him or you're made a slave.

[18:08] But even the ones who worship him kind of become slaves.

[18:10] And they're building this huge black obelisk that's 2,000 feet tall as a monument to Ra.

[18:17] So that Set can finally get over his daddy issues.

[18:20] With his bald dad, Jeffrey Rush, in the sky.

[18:24] Although, Jeffrey Rush, you think he's bald for most of the movie.

[18:26] And then it's revealed about two-thirds of the way through that he has a long white ponytail on his bald head.

Stuart Wellington

[18:31] And instead of like hair stubble, his head has little gold flakes.

Elliott Kalan

[18:36] Well, that's like god dandruff.

[18:38] Yeah.

[18:39] And our hero, Beck, is very unhappy about this turn of events.

[18:44] Especially when he's separated from his wife, who is now working as the personal secretary slash assistant to the head architect, Rufus Sewell.

Stuart Wellington

[18:50] Yeah, her job is making sure that his scrolls don't go flying off his desk.

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] Which he fails at consistently.

[18:58] Long story short, he convinces her, I'm going to go to the place where Horace's eye is kept.

[19:05] Get me the scroll that has the design so I know where the traps are.

[19:09] I'm going to get his eye.

[19:10] I'm going to give it to Horace.

[19:11] And then Horace is going to like, I don't know, like just save the day or give him something.

[19:15] I'm not sure what.

[19:16] Because his wife still believes in Horace, still worships him.

[19:19] Even though Horace has become a real baby.

[19:21] And just sits blind in his own house.

[19:23] Which is basically a tomb.

[19:24] Just being sad all the time.

[19:26] Wow, wow.

[19:27] Yeah, harsh critique for a man with a...

[19:29] I'm just saying, many blind people have accomplished a lot.

[19:32] Horace decides to accomplish nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[19:34] And he's a god.

[19:35] Imagine if the last thing you saw was Gerard Butler plucking your eyes from your head.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] I would be traumatized.

[19:42] But you'd get over it, I guess.

[19:44] Eventually, yeah.

[19:45] We become butts.

[19:46] Sure.

[19:47] I'd forgive him.

[19:48] Play soccer together.

[19:49] I mean, yeah.

[19:50] If he shows up.

[19:52] Yeah, exactly.

[19:55] He goes and he says to Horace, I'm going to get...

[19:59] Oh, no, he gets one of the eyes back already.

[20:01] He goes through a video game level and gets the eye back.

[20:03] A lot of spikes.

[20:04] A lot of CGI spikes and CGI statue swords.

[20:06] And scorpions.

[20:07] And scorpions.

[20:08] Everything's CGI.

[20:10] Stuart, what was the comparison?

[20:12] CGI scorpion comparison?

[20:13] What is that?

Stuart Wellington

[20:13] Like five million miles to Graceland that opens with two scorpions?

[20:17] Five million miles to Graceland.

Elliott Kalan

[20:19] I don't remember the name of the movie.

[20:20] The Ray Harryhausen Kurt Russell film.

[20:23] Five million miles to Graceland.

Dan McCoy

[20:25] Shows a basic lack of geography knowledge.

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] I didn't know this was a geography podcast, guys.

[20:35] I would be ill-suited for it.

[20:37] Beck goes back to his wife, but he's captured because they replaced the scroll he stole with

[20:42] just a blank scroll.

[20:43] And the master architect of Egypt somehow could tell the difference between a blank scroll

[20:47] and the one where he put all his trap secrets.

[20:49] So they're escaping in a chariot and the master architect shoots an arrow at his wife and

[20:54] it hits her and she dies.

[20:55] Oh no!

Stuart Wellington

[20:56] Which, he should be the master archer.

[20:58] That was an amazing shot.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] Well, they're like most of the same letters in the beginning of the two words.

Stuart Wellington

[21:04] But I mean, they weren't running that fast.

[21:06] Like, it is one of those like super slow running through a not that large set because it's like

[21:11] a green room, I guess.

[21:11] It's a green room.

[21:12] Yeah, it's like they're in Robert Rodriguez's basement.

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] There's not a lot of place to go.

[21:16] And so he goes to Horace and he says, I got your eye.

[21:19] I'm going to make you a deal.

[21:20] If you can bring my wife back, I'll give you your eye back.

[21:23] And then we'll do whatever.

[21:25] We'll save the day.

[21:26] And Horace is like, you can't really bring people back from the dead, but I'm going to

[21:29] lie to you and say that I can.

[21:31] So already the rogue and the god are keeping secrets from each other.

[21:37] Horace's secret is he can't fulfill his end of the bargain.

[21:39] And Beck's secret is that, I don't know, he's like that he lost the role of Van Wilder

[21:45] when he auditioned for it.

[21:46] Because it's like they were like, let's get a guy who's like Ryan Reynolds, but when

[21:51] he smiles, it just seems like someone taught him how to smile.

[21:55] That's really mean.

[21:56] I shouldn't have said that.

[21:58] He might listen to this.

[21:59] Yeah, that's right.

[22:01] Ryan Reynolds is a big fan.

[22:02] No, no.

[22:03] I didn't insult Ryan Reynolds.

[22:05] I insult the guy in the movie.

[22:06] Oh, right.

[22:07] Yeah.

[22:08] Ryan Reynolds is America's sweetheart.

[22:10] He's the merc of the mouth.

[22:10] He's never made a bad movie.

[22:12] He's never made a bad movie.

[22:15] It's proven.

[22:16] Okay.

[22:17] They go on a magic quest.

Stuart Wellington

[22:19] They stick his dead wife in a drawer.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] They stick her in a drawer so that she'll keep.

[22:24] They put her in Horace's crisper to keep her fresh.

[22:29] And she's got to walk the afterlife because, and this is, I thought this was a perversion

[22:33] of Egyptian mythology, but it turns out they're just setting up a change later on.

[22:38] She's going to be in the afterlife where Anubis is keeping a close eye on her.

[22:41] Anubis, as you mentioned, looks like Dexter Detective.

[22:43] And in this version of Egypt, if you don't have gold to give to the afterlife judges, then

[22:48] you disappear.

[22:50] But if you give them gold, you dissolve in a better way.

[22:53] It's like when you see it happen, both the poor man and the rich man dissolve.

[22:57] And it's like, I don't see what the difference is.

Stuart Wellington

[22:58] This guy's like, I'm going to live forever.

[23:00] And then he disappears.

[23:02] And then the poor woman just screams and then disappears.

[23:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] But they weigh it against a feather.

[23:07] And if you don't, if it's lighter than a feather, then you don't get in.

[23:09] Anyway, that's not how Egyptian mythology works.

[23:11] It made me mad.

[23:12] But at the end of the movie, they kind of explain it.

[23:13] So it's okay.

[23:14] I'll get there.

[23:15] They go on a series of quest adventures, of which I don't remember the order.

[23:19] So let's just tell you some of them.

[23:22] One of them, they fight a bunch of bull men who work for set on a waterfall.

[23:28] All CGI.

[23:29] The water looks like some kind of viscous glue.

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] Well, the only real thing in the scene is Nikolai Koster.

[23:36] How do you say his name?

[23:38] Call him.

[23:39] The guy from Jamie Lannister.

[23:40] Yeah.

[23:42] Which is mainly him just like spinning around and like the camera's spinning around constantly.

[23:46] I forgot that was him.

[23:47] They probably just put him on a wire and had him like spin around.

[23:51] Yeah.

[23:52] I mean, spinning was involved.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:53] They put him on a big lazy Susan.

[23:54] Mm-hmm.

[23:56] I'm not a movie maker, but that sounds like it works.

Elliott Kalan

[23:59] At one point, these two kind of like warrior-esque concubines of sets ride two giant snakes,

[24:08] like kind of sandworm types at them.

[24:11] And by working together, they're able to defeat them.

[24:13] And then also the god of love shows up and helps them.

[24:15] And you guys remember any of the other quests?

[24:17] They have to go.

Dan McCoy

[24:18] They go to the pyramid to get to the Sphinx.

[24:20] Well, they go into outer space.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] They go to outer space to go to Ra so that he can get.

[24:25] Oh, they have to go.

Stuart Wellington

[24:26] And they talk to Jeffrey Rush, who slaps his chest a couple times,

[24:29] each time growing slightly bigger and then catching on fire.

[24:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Oh, that's right.

[24:33] First they go to a mountain where he prays to Ra to get the strength to turn back

[24:37] into a metal griffin man again.

[24:40] This is Horace, not Beck.

[24:41] Come on.

[24:41] Beck's immortal.

[24:42] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[24:43] So he just gets carried up there like a little baby.

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:47] There is.

[24:49] I'm realizing how much this just sounds like gibberish, as we say it.

Elliott Kalan

[24:52] Here's the thing.

[24:53] My first exposure to this film was the subway posters, which was some kind of cyborg metal

[24:58] jackal man fighting some kind of cyborg metal griffin man.

Stuart Wellington

[25:01] With gold splatters all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[25:03] With gold splatters all over.

[25:04] And I was like, this is either going to be the best or worst movie I've ever seen.

[25:08] And what we got was not the best.

[25:11] It was like someone, every scene in this movie, I was like, this could be a really fun, good

[25:17] movie.

[25:18] But they're not doing it right.

[25:19] Gremlin Battler just hands it up as a bad guy.

[25:21] Gremlin, he's not one of the worst parts.

[25:24] He does fine in it.

[25:25] At least he raises his voice when he's trying to emote.

[25:28] Everyone else is just modulating pretty well.

Stuart Wellington

[25:29] When he's like a computer generated armor guy with just his head on top of it.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] What it felt like at times was like, if someone read Jack Kirby's Fourth World New Gods books,

[25:40] which are great, and they're amazing, and said like, I want to make a movie like that,

[25:46] but I'm not going to put like any of my soul into it.

[25:50] And I'm going to have a pretty boilerplate dialogue, and also the effects are not going

[25:55] to look that great.

[25:56] Like, we're going to use a lot of them, but they're not going to look that great.

[25:58] But there's more adventures to be had, because they also go, they walk through a swamp to

[26:01] find the hiding place of the God of Wisdom, my favorite character in the movie, because

[26:05] he's super sassy.

[26:07] And they take him to go answer the riddle of the Sphinx, so that they can get to the heart

[26:12] of the desert.

[26:13] Why are you looking at me?

Dan McCoy

[26:15] He's played by, what's his face?

[26:17] And you know what?

[26:18] The guy who played Black Panther.

[26:19] You know the face who I'm, what's it saying?

Stuart Wellington

[26:23] Chadwick Boseman, thank you.

[26:25] Chadwick Boseman.

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] He is the best character in the movie.

[26:27] Live show pays off.

[26:29] Finally.

[26:32] Here's the thing they want to do.

[26:33] Apparently, Seth's power comes from the desert, because much like Willie Loman's brother,

[26:38] who went into the jungle at 21 and came out a rich wealthy man, Seth, having been forbidden

[26:45] by Ra to marry and have a child, wandered into the desert and came back with the power

[26:49] of the desert.

[26:50] And also...

[26:51] An army?

[26:52] I assume it haunts Osiris' dreams, since Osiris is a failed salesman.

[26:56] Yeah.

[26:56] But, uh...

[26:57] And he came back with an army and big scarab beetles that pull his chariot and stuff.

[27:00] And so, if we can go to the source of the Nile, apparently, the source of the desert or the

[27:06] Nile, I don't remember, which is something called the Desert Fire or some nonsense?

[27:09] Something like that.

[27:09] And drop this mystic water that we took from Ra's sail barge.

[27:14] And drop it and it'll destroy the desert.

[27:17] It'll quench the thirst of the desert.

[27:18] And that will kill Seth's power.

[27:20] And so, they have to get through the Sphinx to do that.

[27:22] And what I didn't realize is the Sphinx gives you as many tries as you need.

[27:25] Yeah.

[27:26] As long as, like...

[27:28] He keeps trying to crush them and Horace is fighting him while the God of Wisdom is just

[27:32] guessing stuff.

[27:33] And then, finally...

[27:35] And then Beck, remember, you know, figures it out.

[27:38] Because Beck is...

[27:39] He's pretty...

[27:40] You know, he's pretty clever for a mortal.

[27:42] Yeah, he's a sassy little mortal guy.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:44] And then the Sphinx goes, oh, bother, and dissolves.

[27:49] But...

Dan McCoy

[27:49] No, he literally goes, oh, bother, and dissolves.

[27:53] That's actually what happens.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] Because everyone in Egypt is English, except for the ones that are Scottish or American.

Dan McCoy

[28:01] He's apparently Winnie the Pooh.

Elliott Kalan

[28:05] He's my Sphinx, or Sphinxie the Pooh, or...

[28:07] Yeah.

[28:08] I got my head caught in the biggest honeypot in Egypt.

[28:12] Oh, no.

[28:14] There's a rumbling in my tumbling.

[28:16] Riddle me this.

[28:18] He's also the Riddler.

[28:20] I like...

[28:20] Yep.

[28:21] He's the original Riddler.

Dan McCoy

[28:22] I want to see, like, a Sphinxie Eeyore now, too.

[28:25] He's like, oh, no one's come by to knock down my pyramid yet.

[28:30] Wow.

[28:30] You're really good at that, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] How'd you tap into Eeyore's soul like that?

[28:38] Hollywood?

[28:39] Yes.

[28:40] Have I got the right voice actor for you?

[28:42] That Eeyore spinoff you've been looking for?

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] Hey.

[28:45] That gritty Eeyore reboot?

[28:47] It's your nephew, Gary Milne.

[28:49] I got that character you've been looking for.

[28:56] Well, listen to this.

[28:57] Listen to this.

[28:58] Say it again, Dan.

[28:59] Say it again.

[29:00] I don't know why I'm miming a phone.

[29:02] Why bother?

[29:02] And doing it poorly.

[29:04] Any improv person would tell me this is a bad phone because I'm sticking my pinky in my thumb out.

[29:07] I don't know why I'm doing it.

Dan McCoy

[29:08] Say it again.

[29:09] In a movie, you stop playing the song.

[29:13] Oh, he was here just a second ago.

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] Can you play that same song you were just playing?

[29:17] No, we just did it.

[29:18] It was a live chasset.

[29:21] So they're about to dump that magic water in that fire.

[29:25] And then, boom, spike trap, of course.

[29:28] The gods are caught.

[29:29] Beck's the only one around.

[29:30] He has a good couple of minutes while Gerard Butler appears and taunts our other heroes.

Stuart Wellington

[29:35] That's after he rips out Chadwick Boseman's brain.

Elliott Kalan

[29:38] Yeah, he rips out Chadwick Boseman's brain because that's the God of Wisdom special part.

[29:41] And it's, of course, a glowing brain made out of glass that in a later scene, well, I'll get to it after this.

Dan McCoy

[29:47] And I'm saying, like, oh, he's going to eat it to get his powers.

[29:49] And it's basically that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:51] Well, he gets into his magic dragon form.

[29:54] And they use, like, literally blowtorches and stuff to pound the parts of the other gods that he stole from.

[30:00] He's been waging a war on the gods and stealing their special parts.

[30:02] Yeah, he's not.

Dan McCoy

[30:03] Oh, what's the great, what's the best body part of all these people?

[30:07] Snatch.

[30:08] Yoink.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] Now put it in me.

[30:10] Now put it in me.

[30:11] He's Serpentor, basically.

[30:12] Yeah, he kind of is Serpentor, yeah.

[30:14] Except there wasn't so much, like, hammering stuff into him with sledgehammers with Serpentor.

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] No, did they, like, cook him in a big bowl?

[30:21] Yeah, well, they used the parts of all of history's worst people.

[30:23] But also, and they never got Sgt.

[30:25] Slaughter's courage.

[30:26] That's what I remember.

[30:27] That's true, yeah.

[30:28] That's why he's kind of a wimp and he always runs away.

Elliott Kalan

[30:32] So Beck has a lot of time to pour this magic water in, but he's so busy, captivated by the drama of Sett and his nephew Horace arguing with each other, that Sett manages to walk over and just pour the water out on the ground.

[30:45] Uh-oh, it's no good.

[30:47] And things go from bad to worse because the pyramid's falling down all around them.

[30:51] Yeah, why'd that happen?

[30:53] Uh, because.

[30:54] Why did it, but did Sett make his own pyramid?

Dan McCoy

[30:57] As Dancer, we were watching it.

[30:59] Yeah, it was like, there's two minutes where no one was running and jumping from something.

[31:04] There was, you know, nothing's falling down on anyone's head.

Elliott Kalan

[31:08] Uh, Sett goes up to Ra and he's like, how you like me now, Dad?

[31:11] How you like me now?

[31:13] Huh?

[31:13] Does this, you know, like, you never let me have a kid and we never played catch.

[31:16] Like, now?

[31:17] And Ra's like, hmm, I still don't like you that much.

Stuart Wellington

[31:21] But it's kind of, one of the things that you had commented on earlier was that at least Ra was not like.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] Well, then they sell that out, though.

[31:27] But when they first talk to Ra about it, he goes, they're like, he killed your son.

[31:31] And Ra goes, Sett is also my son, as is all of this creation.

[31:34] It's all my creation.

[31:36] And it was one of those things where it's like, that was a believable moment for me of Ra as a god who is like, I made all of this.

[31:43] If something bad happens, I made that too.

[31:45] So don't come up and tell me that the wrong thing is happening because I made all of it happen.

Stuart Wellington

[31:49] Then he's like, excuse me while I shoot laser blasts at this giant space worm.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] Excuse me while I use my laser spear to stop this mouth monster from eating the whole creation.

[31:59] Because that's, it's like, it wants to do, like I compared it to Jack Kirby's stuff before.

[32:03] Jack Kirby basically would take sci-fi superheroes and he'd like craft a thing about like the journey that a soul takes through challenges and obstructions to stay true to itself.

[32:13] This was kind of like that without that.

[32:15] So it was just that, it was just like, what if the Egyptian gods were all kind of superheroes and they all had like laser weapons and superpowers?

[32:22] And they turned into robots.

[32:24] So at this point, Set kills his dad.

[32:27] Set kills his dad and takes his power, which is his spear.

[32:29] Tosses him into the space ocean.

[32:31] Except he's not really dead, he just needs his spear back it turns out.

[32:34] Yeah, yeah.

[32:34] But Horace and Beck, they're like, that's it, it's over, da-da-da-da-da.

[32:39] The goddess of love has given up her magic 42 diamond demon keeping away bracelet so that Beck can go see his wife in the afterlife again.

Dan McCoy

[32:46] This is a subplot I'm not even going to get into very much.

[32:50] Well, no, like, yeah, no, it's important.

[32:51] Beck wants to go to the afterlife to see his wife.

[32:54] Yeah, to try and, like, to let her.

Elliott Kalan

[32:58] She's about to be judged and she has nothing to put on the scales.

Dan McCoy

[33:01] Yeah, so Beck's like, I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me?

Elliott Kalan

[33:05] Boom.

[33:05] You gotta go down.

[33:06] Finally.

[33:07] Boom, nice work.

[33:08] I'll bring my wife these two turntables and this microphone.

[33:10] So that must weigh more than a feather.

Dan McCoy

[33:15] But, yeah, we're into a big apocalypse now.

[33:18] Yeah, but not apocalypse now, which is a great movie.

[33:21] The worm has turned and has started to eat the world.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] Yeah, and so while she's about to be judged, this chaos worm starts eating all of the afterlife and Anubis is like, I gotta fight him, but I can't do it.

[33:31] Beck, go back to Horace and tell him he's gotta stop this shit.

[33:34] So Horace, Beck goes back, he and Horace go and they challenge Set.

[33:38] They manage to convince the master architect, take them through the black needle pyramid to get to the top where, so Set is kind of using Ra's spear to guide the chaos worm.

[33:50] He tells Ra, because then Ra's like, Set, I don't have.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] Set is using Ra's spear to guide the chaos worm.

Stuart Wellington

[33:57] That should sound great.

[33:58] Normally that makes perfect sense.

Dan McCoy

[34:00] It's like weird Egyptian fridge poetry.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] You mean hieroglyphics?

[34:09] Okay.

[34:12] Take that ancient language.

[34:15] Just a bunch of freaking pictures.

[34:16] Anyway, so.

[34:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:18] Fuck you, eyeball bird.

Elliott Kalan

[34:21] Eyeball bird me?

[34:22] No, no, no, no.

[34:23] Eyeball bird you.

[34:26] Anonymous scribes.

[34:28] Hey, let me tell you something.

[34:30] Hat sep shut.

[34:32] I don't know if that's a real name.

[34:34] Let me tell you something.

[34:36] Aknoten.

[34:36] Okay, that's a good one.

Stuart Wellington

[34:37] So.

[34:38] Take your kopesh and go somewhere else.

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] Listen, Cesosporous.

[34:43] They have hilarious names.

[34:45] But anyway, long story short, there's another big battle.

[34:49] Beck falls off a building during it.

Dan McCoy

[34:52] And.

[34:53] Horace is like, I'm going to save Beck rather than save my eye.

[34:56] What?

Stuart Wellington

[34:57] Because his eye.

[34:58] He can't morph into a robot if he doesn't have both eyes.

[35:01] No, no, no.

[35:01] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[35:01] A contraire.

[35:02] As it happens, the thing that he needed all the time was to protect his people.

[35:07] He needed.

[35:07] The fifth element?

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] It turns out his magic.

[35:09] Yeah.

[35:12] Corbin Dallas multi-pass?

[35:15] It turns out the magic eye he was looking for was like a Dumbo's feather type scenario.

[35:20] And the power was in him as long as he was using it for good.

[35:24] In this case.

Stuart Wellington

[35:24] That scene where Dumbo turns into a robot.

[35:27] Griffin.

Elliott Kalan

[35:28] Hey, he flies.

Dan McCoy

[35:29] He flies.

[35:30] He turns into a robot that's like one of those like fucking like, we're going to.

[35:35] Where are you going with this?

[35:38] One of those videos that were like, let's show what high definition television can do.

[35:45] You know what I'm talking about?

[35:45] Like the magic.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] Sure.

[35:47] Oh, like the.

[35:48] Wait, I don't.

[35:48] Magic eye stuff?

[35:49] Not magic eye.

[35:50] Like the.

Dan McCoy

[35:51] Like the mind's eye.

[35:52] Like CGI stuff?

[35:53] That's what I'm talking about.

[35:54] Free high def.

[35:55] All right.

[35:56] It's just showing what computer graphics are capable of.

[35:58] Let's all realize that this was a road that I shouldn't have gone down.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] No, and let's keep going down it.

[36:04] This is the road to nothing but trouble, Sylvania.

[36:09] And we're just going to keep going.

[36:10] We're going to ignore all the signs.

[36:12] Just keep heading until Dan Aykroyd throws us through Mr. Bone Stripper.

[36:15] It was called Valkinvania.

[36:16] Valkinvania.

[36:18] Look, I have so much in my brain right now being used to remember Gods of Egypt.

[36:21] I can't remember nothing but trouble.

[36:23] And it turns out they win the day in the end.

[36:27] What?

[36:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] Get out of here.

[36:29] The chaos worm doesn't devour the source of life?

[36:31] The Nile?

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] Set gets killed.

[36:34] Horace gives the staff back to Ra, which wakes Ra up from his death sleep.

[36:38] Because dead raw at his house floating in space.

[36:42] That makes sense to me.

[36:43] You know, dead dreaming or whatever it is.

[36:45] And he shoots his, he goes, you will not eat the world or something.

[36:49] And I like, the most fun part of this.

[36:51] The world is not enough.

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:53] The most fun, there's two fun things in this movie.

[36:56] One is, there's one scene where Gerard Butler puts on a scarab shaped helmet and just imagining

[37:01] him showing up at the set and then being, this is what you're wearing in the scene.

S6

[37:03] And Gerard Butler being like, I'm not wearing this fucking shite.

Elliott Kalan

[37:07] But then he had to do it.

[37:08] And the other is imagining Geoffrey Rush in front of a green screen wearing what's essentially

[37:12] a bathrobe and a ponytail.

[37:15] Just going like, you shall not devour creation.

[37:18] Pew, pew, pew, pew.

Dan McCoy

[37:20] I got it, they shot it all like at a spa that Geoffrey Rush was at.

[37:24] They just put up a green screen back.

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] Well, I'm going to be at Canyon Ranch these days, so come on by.

[37:28] You'll add like fire and lasers and stuff, so it looks like I'm doing something right.

[37:32] I don't care, I'm Geoffrey Rush.

Stuart Wellington

[37:33] There is a great scene near the end when Rufus Sewell, who was playing

[37:37] a bad guy, big surprise.

[37:38] Of course.

[37:39] Is fighting our girl back.

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] I'm not even going to tell the story about when I saw him in a play playing Good Guy,

[37:42] who's great.

[37:43] Anyway, keep going.

[37:44] It's Tom Stoppard's Rock and Roll.

Dan McCoy

[37:45] Hey, I saw him play for once too.

[37:47] I saw him in Richard III in London.

[37:49] He was terrible.

[37:50] Really?

[37:51] Because he was really good in Rock and Roll.

[37:52] It was a bad production.

[37:53] Okay.

[37:53] It was too bad.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] So he takes his bathrobe off.

[37:55] You can still be good in a bad production.

[37:57] Jared Harris when I saw him as Hamlet.

Stuart Wellington

[37:59] So he takes his bathrobe off and he's covered in a head-to-toe like gold toga or something,

[38:04] and he's like, oh, I got my afterlife paid for.

[38:07] And he's just about to get killed when Beck's like, oh, the cast worm's going to eat creation,

[38:12] so you're not going to the afterlife.

[38:15] And there's a great moment.

[38:16] Rufus O'erl literally looks at the camera and is like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] He goes, oh.

[38:23] Like, oh.

[38:24] And falls to his death.

[38:27] And he lunges to his doom.

[38:28] Everyone falls off of buildings in this movie eventually.

[38:32] Don't we all, Elliot?

[38:34] Beck is dead, and Horace takes him to his crisper.

[38:37] To lay him next to his wife.

[38:38] Ra shows up and he goes, I've never been in debt to anybody, but I'm in debt to you.

[38:42] What would you like?

[38:43] And he goes, and Horace says, the one thing I can never provide.

Dan McCoy

[38:47] And Ra brings Beck back, brings Zaya back.

[38:50] They're alive.

[38:51] Hey.

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] And now Horace takes his rightful place as king because he's the son of the other king.

[38:56] Why wouldn't he rule everybody?

[38:58] Surely what they didn't learn from this is that monarchy is a joke.

[39:01] And that the Egyptian dynasty, as even for the thousands of years it ran, is built on the false idea that a mortal man is a god.

[39:09] I just, it makes me really mad when I think about how long they've managed to pull that scam off.

[39:13] Like, you guys don't need to have a say in your lives.

[39:16] I'm totally a god.

[39:17] Anyway, I married my sister.

[39:19] I'm a god now.

[39:19] Whatevs.

[39:20] Anyway, so.

Dan McCoy

[39:21] I feel like you're just jealous.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] I am not, one, the word to be envious.

[39:26] They're not stealing something from me.

[39:27] And two, I'm not.

Dan McCoy

[39:30] That is a distinction that has not been made for God knows how long.

Elliott Kalan

[39:35] Dan, Stewie, what's that?

[39:36] I was just going to say, but Horace.

[39:37] Oh, we're not done with the ending, though.

Stuart Wellington

[39:39] Horace in his first act as king makes a pretty big change to the way things work.

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] He says, well, the one thing, he's like, hey, I'm going to be about helping people.

[39:49] So from now on, the afterlife's not based on bringing treasure.

[39:53] It's based on the good deeds you do.

[39:55] Because the important thing is to be compassionate to each other.

[39:58] And it's like.

Stuart Wellington

[39:59] Which is bullshit, dude.

[40:00] What about all the gold I saved?

[40:03] What am I going to do with all this damn gold?

Elliott Kalan

[40:05] There's all these rich people you imagine going, oh.

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] I was really hoping they were going to cut to Rufus Sewell, like, right in line for the scales.

[40:11] And he's like, put my gold on.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] Sorry, rules changed.

[40:16] And that's what made it the whole movie.

[40:17] I'm like, that's not how it works.

[40:18] You weigh your heart against a feather.

[40:20] And if it's heavy with sin and weighs more than the feather, then you disappear.

[40:23] But they fixed it at the end.

[40:24] That's to show he's a good king.

[40:27] And Bec is like.

[40:28] Horace is like, I'm going to go off on some kind of quest or some nonsense.

[40:32] So Bec, I'm going to leave you in charge or something.

[40:34] He's like.

[40:34] He's the Tyrion to Daenerys.

[40:36] You know, and they're like just hanging out in Egypt.

[40:39] You pronounce those names weird.

[40:42] Whatever.

[40:44] How is it pronounced?

Stuart Wellington

[40:45] Tyrion to Daenerys.

[40:47] It's totally what he said.

[40:47] That's exactly what he said.

[40:48] He said it weirder though.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] I cannot hear the difference.

[40:52] I'm standing.

[40:52] I'm sitting right between the two of you.

[40:55] It's like a stereo.

[40:57] Yeah.

[40:58] Our voices are identical.

[41:02] No.

[41:03] You know, that's it.

[41:04] That's the.

[41:05] That's the.

[41:05] Is there any.

Elliott Kalan

[41:06] And is there no.

[41:06] And Horace is like.

Stuart Wellington

[41:08] Cut to credits.

[41:09] Nothing but bloops.

[41:09] I got a quest.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] I got a quest to do when he flies off.

[41:14] He does his Spider-Man swinging around at the end of the Tobey Maguire Spider-Mans and

[41:18] flies around the CGI Egypt.

[41:19] And we're done.

Dan McCoy

[41:20] Cue the bloops.

[41:21] I like the idea that they were like really like.

[41:23] Like one of the bloops was.

[41:24] Oh, like instead of turning into like a bird man, I turned into a bear.

[41:29] Oh no.

[41:30] How did this happen?

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] Guys.

[41:32] What a bloop.

[41:33] I forgot what animal I was supposed to turn into.

[41:35] Lion.

[41:36] Eagle Man.

[41:37] All right.

[41:37] Of course.

[41:39] So it's a movie that it had.

[41:41] It was packed full of stuff.

[41:43] Like it was packed full of crazy stuff.

[41:45] And probably 87% of what was on screen never existed.

[41:49] It was all computer animated things.

Stuart Wellington

[41:51] That's probably right.

Elliott Kalan

[41:51] Yeah.

[41:52] And so looking at.

[41:53] Let's do what we always do every episode and come up with one thing we liked about the

[41:56] movie.

Dan McCoy

[41:57] Not a thing.

[41:58] Every episode.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] It's never been a thing.

[42:00] And I'm going to say I really.

[42:02] Regular reoccurring bit.

[42:03] I really liked Black Panther's performance as the god of wisdom.

[42:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:08] Yeah.

[42:08] He brings like an arch, almost like Wentworth Miller performance to it.

Dan McCoy

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:13] As long as we're doing performances.

[42:14] I really like Rufus Sewell's performance.

[42:16] He was kind of camp in it.

[42:16] Yeah.

[42:17] He was very camp.

[42:17] And I enjoyed it.

[42:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:19] And I liked it when they morphed into robots and fought each other.

[42:23] Every time they showed these human giants morph into robot flying guys.

[42:30] They almost expected the audience to be like, whoa.

[42:34] Which like, after you've seen that a million times and the rest of the movie is all fake,

[42:38] nothing is going to make you say whoa anymore.

[42:41] No.

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] And I will admit, I liked some parts of the scene where they're being chased by the giant

[42:46] snake worms.

Stuart Wellington

[42:48] Yeah.

[42:48] I mean, that was okay.

[42:49] I like giant snake worms.

[42:50] Sure.

[42:50] Who doesn't?

[42:51] Dan, did you like the giant snake worms?

[42:52] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] But aside from those things.

[42:55] You know me.

[42:56] I got those posters of giant snake worms on my bedroom wall.

[43:01] Stare up at them every night.

[43:03] You're a weird kid.

[43:04] It's creepy.

Elliott Kalan

[43:05] It's creepy.

[43:07] Especially that one poster where the snake worm has noticeable nipples.

[43:10] Yeah.

[43:11] I guess.

[43:13] How is she going to feed her babies?

[43:15] A real blowout.

Dan McCoy

[43:18] We should.

Elliott Kalan

[43:19] Too much audience support for the idea of that poster.

Dan McCoy

[43:22] We should move on to the next segment.

[43:24] We should.

[43:25] We should do final judgments.

[43:26] Do final judgments.

[43:27] The thing we really do.

[43:28] Final judgments.

[43:30] Gods of Egypt.

[43:31] We are the law.

[43:32] A bad, bad movie.

[43:32] Run.

[43:34] Or a movie we kind of liked.

[43:35] Gods of Egypt's disease will cure.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] Costitos for everybody.

[43:45] Hey, look.

[43:47] Sly Stallone's pretty nervous.

[43:48] I don't know if he's going to be around all these people.

[43:50] But if he stopped by, I don't know what to tell you.

[43:52] So, Dan, was this a bad, huge movie?

[43:55] Was it a good, poor movie?

[43:56] Or was it a sleepy sensation?

Dan McCoy

[43:59] I did not fall asleep during this movie, which puts it above two movies that we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[44:05] You know, we also watched it at 1 p.m. as opposed to 8 p.m.

[44:09] If you had fallen asleep, it would have been a real, I would have worried about you physically.

Dan McCoy

[44:13] For about half an hour, I was like, this is a good, bad movie, but it's a bad, bad movie.

[44:18] It bored me.

[44:19] I'm sorry.

[44:20] I apologize to Alex Proyas, to Gerard Butler.

[44:26] You go through the whole cast of crew?

Stuart Wellington

[44:27] I think Gerard Butler's still going to punch if he sees this.

[44:31] Nikolai Koster-Woljo.

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] I'm going to disagree with you.

[44:36] It was too long, but I'm going to say it was a good, bad movie.

[44:41] Because despite being too long, and by the end of it, I was tired of it.

[44:46] One, if it's a good, bad movie, just turn it off when you're done watching it.

[44:49] You don't need to watch the whole thing.

[44:50] And two, every couple of minutes, there was some kind of crazy CGI monster throwing a building at somebody.

[44:56] Or getting their leg cut off and gold blood spewing everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[45:01] I'm going to back up Elliot on this one.

[45:03] Ooh.

[45:06] You know what that means, man?

[45:06] It's worth it for the shots of people riding in chariots with the super fakey backgrounds alone.

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] Those were, like, any scene where it's a close-up of somebody in a background flying past them really fast is hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[45:17] Like, it's, the effects are funny.

[45:19] It looked like a scene in a Quentin Tarantino movie where he's doing that deliberately fakey to, like, make you laugh.

Elliott Kalan

[45:24] Not since Pompeii have I seen effects so goofy hilarious.

[45:30] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[45:31] All right.

[45:32] So, you have it here.

[45:33] I'm wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] Getting stuff done around here.

[45:34] The people have spoken because we live in a democracy, not a bullshit monarchy like ancient Egypt.

[45:38] All right.

Dan McCoy

[45:45] Hey, it's Dan breaking in here with a little Flophouse Housework.

[45:48] Please don't hit that skip button because we've got some exciting news.

[45:52] We are going on our first tour.

[45:55] Well, let's not call it a tour because it's just one place.

[45:58] But our first live show outside of the New York City area, we will be in Washington, D.C. on August the 5th.

[46:07] That's a Friday.

[46:09] Doing a show at Black Cat.

[46:12] The show is at 9 p.m.

[46:13] Tickets are $20.

[46:15] A little more expensive than when we do shows in New York, but we've got to cover our travel expenses.

[46:21] And we hope to see you all there.

[46:23] If you live in the D.C. metro area, please come by and see us.

[46:29] And if you can get there, come by and see us.

[46:32] This is sort of a proof of concept for doing more touring.

[46:35] So we have to try and bump up the crowds as much as we possibly can to prove that we are a draw.

[46:42] And then maybe we'll go other places like the West Coast, perhaps.

[46:48] Perhaps even Canada.

[46:50] Who knows?

[46:51] We're looking into a lot of options right now.

[46:54] So please, tickets are available at a link that I will put up on the website for this show.

[47:02] If I forget to put it up for this show, it's still there on the website.

[47:05] If you click on the blog area, there's an announcement for the show.

[47:09] Or if you go to MaximumFun.org, it is listed among the live shows.

[47:14] So we hope to see you again on August 5th at 9 p.m. at Black Cat in Washington, D.C.

[47:22] But we also have a message up on the Jumbotron this week.

[47:26] It's to Peter from Surge who says,

[47:30] Hello, peaches.

[47:31] I've grown old and have not done enough good in my life.

[47:34] My one surely good act was to introduce my son, Peter,

[47:38] graduating from the University of Vermont this week, to the Flophouse.

[47:42] He has since listened to every episode and participates actively on the Flophouse Facebook page.

[47:47] Is this enough?

[47:49] Surge.

[47:49] I would say that that's plenty, Surge.

[47:51] There is no greater gift a man can give to his child than the gift of the Flophouse.

[47:58] Thank you for writing in for your son, Peter, and in support of the Flophouse.

[48:05] Lastly, this week, the Flophouse is sponsored by Mack Weldon.

[48:10] Mack Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

[48:15] Their clothes are designed to be the most comfortable you will ever wear.

[48:19] Underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants.

[48:23] All their products are naturally antimicrobial, which means that they eliminate odor.

[48:28] And they would like you to be comfortable.

[48:30] So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep that pair, and they will still refund you.

[48:36] No questions asked.

[48:38] So if you want to try out Mack Weldon's underwear and more,

[48:43] you can go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off using the promo code FLOP.

[48:48] I am literally wearing some right now, and they are delightful.

[48:54] So now we take you back to the Cake Shop in New York City.

[48:58] Thanks again to the PodFest for having us, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the show.

[49:04] So normally now is when we would do letters, but as is our tradition,

[49:08] when we have a live show, we're going to take questions from the audience.

[49:11] Questions from the audience.

[49:13] So we have this microphone set up over here.

[49:15] It's currently pointing away from the audience, which is kind of weird.

[49:19] So you'll have to walk around.

Elliott Kalan

[49:21] Hey guys, I know you might be scared to get up and talk, to ask us a question.

[49:27] Don't be scared, because we won't bite.

[49:30] Tonight is the night we won't bite.

[49:34] If you ask us a question, normally we would tear out a chunk of flesh with our teeth.

[49:41] If you bothered, if you had the temerity to ask us a question,

[49:47] we are your gods, like the gods of Egypt.

[49:52] Fighting each other, sister and brother.

[49:55] Fighting each other for the crown of Egypt.

[50:01] But tonight, we won't.

[50:03] We just don't.

[50:06] Tonight.

[50:08] Tonight.

[50:09] Stuart, do you have a verse in you?

Stuart Wellington

[50:12] Uh, tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[50:16] That's it, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[50:17] Give me some letters.

Elliott Kalan

[50:19] That was the briefest Smashing Pumpkins cover I've ever heard.

[50:24] So, okay, let's do some verbal, some vocal letters.

[50:27] We call them questions.

[50:30] Dan, is there any sort of protocol for this?

[50:34] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:36] So, we all have been at Q&As where you're like, what the fuck was that?

[50:41] Why did that person ask that question?

Elliott Kalan

[50:44] Or, sometimes it's like, someone's like, I have a question, and then it's just a story about something.

Dan McCoy

[50:51] So, the protocol is, if you would be in your seat saying like, why the fuck is that guy doing that?

[50:57] That is a terrible question.

Elliott Kalan

[50:58] Maybe don't ask it.

[50:59] If somebody else was asking the thing you were asking, and you would find it boring, then don't ask that question.

[51:04] Also, a lot of times people want to come up with these things and tell the speakers how much they like them.

[51:09] Don't worry about it.

[51:09] We know you like us.

[51:10] You're here.

[51:10] That's really nice.

[51:11] We appreciate it.

[51:13] That's really nice.

[51:17] That's a lot of pressure.

[51:19] And they do the introduction with the first name and the last name withheld, right?

[51:22] Yeah.

[51:23] Yep.

[51:24] Here, speak closer to the microphone.

[51:26] Get up in that.

[51:27] Yeah.

[51:27] Put it up in your grill.

[51:29] But.

[51:31] No, I love you.

[51:32] We'll accept that word.

[51:34] That's not a bad word around here.

[51:36] What I am most interested in is, what was the scariest scene you three have seen?

S6

[51:44] Today?

[51:46] No.

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] In the movies we watch for this podcast, or just in general?

[51:52] In general.

S6

[51:52] Oh, okay.

[51:53] What is the scariest thing that you have seen?

[51:58] In a movie.

[51:58] Dan, you killed it.

[52:02] The podcast?

[52:05] All right.

Dan McCoy

[52:05] Thank you.

[52:06] He lost faith in his question halfway through.

[52:11] Scariest scene we've ever seen in anything.

[52:14] I don't know whether this is actually the scariest scene, but it's the first thing that came to my mind.

[52:19] It's a little movie called The Parent Trap.

[52:21] No.

Elliott Kalan

[52:22] It's like, what if someone cuts the back of my dress away?

Dan McCoy

[52:28] They're trying to get those two parents back together.

[52:30] They're just going to go apart again.

[52:32] You know they're going to be disappointed.

[52:36] So, The Thing?

[52:38] The remake of The Thing?

[52:40] I thought you said The Thing for a minute.

[52:41] The Thing?

[52:43] You know, that thing.

[52:44] Like a sexy, sassy version of The Thing.

[52:47] That thing.

[52:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[52:51] No, The Thing.

[52:52] Lauren Hill.

[52:54] Someone correctly, in the audience, correctly identified the reference as Lauren Hill.

[53:01] You win the no prize.

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] So, the whole movie, or is there a specific scene in The Thing?

[53:08] You're talking about the carpenter version.

[53:11] It's not the gross monsters.

Dan McCoy

[53:12] It's the scene where they're kind of put the defibrillator on.

[53:17] Yeah, that's a scary scene.

[53:18] The chest opens up and chomps down with big chest teeth.

Stuart Wellington

[53:23] And you're like, chest don't normally do that.

Dan McCoy

[53:27] 90% of the time, I've never seen chest do that.

Stuart Wellington

[53:31] I'm going to say, for me, growing up, the scariest thing was still the twin girls in The Shining.

[53:37] Super scary.

[53:40] Won't ride my big wheel around there.

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] I mean, you've been wanting to, but you won't.

[53:46] No, thank you.

[53:47] Mom, Dad, I got one hotel we shouldn't stay at.

[53:51] I think as a kid, it was probably Large Marge in Peter's Big Adventure.

[53:57] Or, there's one ghost in Ghostbusters who's driving a taxi cab at the end.

[54:01] And that ghost is too scary.

[54:03] And he's like, now I look at him and he's like the Crypt Keeper, which means he's adorable.

[54:07] But at the time, I was scared by the Crypt Keeper.

Stuart Wellington

[54:09] Yeah, now every time you get in a cab, you're like, please be the ghost from Ghostbusters.

Elliott Kalan

[54:16] But that would be amazing.

[54:17] But I don't know.

[54:19] As an adult, I don't know.

[54:21] I think as an adult, it would be difficult because now as a dad, anytime a kid is in peril, it's scary to me.

[54:29] But in a way that is not like fun.

[54:31] There's a scene in Under the Skin where a child is left on a beach and you know no one's coming for it.

[54:36] And it's a small kid.

[54:37] And you also know that they needed this kid to cry for the movie.

[54:40] And it's just like, it's a good movie, but it's like that scene was a little too much for me.

Stuart Wellington

[54:44] The kid's going to become a Mowgli or something, Elliot.

[54:46] Yeah, yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] Oh, good.

[54:48] Yeah, an octopus is going to take him underwater and teach him how to breathe underwater.

[54:52] And they're going to...

[54:52] It could happen.

[54:53] Someday you'll have to go to the land fish again.

[54:58] The man porpoise can't stand...

[54:58] Under the skin too, that's great.

Stuart Wellington

[55:00] Yeah, it's called Jungle Book 2, the ocean book.

Elliott Kalan

[55:05] But I don't know.

[55:06] Maybe nothing has ever been as scary to me, I think, as when I was a kid seeing a cardboard cutout in the video store of Chucky.

S6

[55:14] And being like, what is that?

[55:16] I don't like it.

Elliott Kalan

[55:18] And of course now, Chucky is adorable.

[55:22] That's...

[55:23] Okay.

[55:23] So that answers that one.

[55:24] Yeah.

[55:26] Yay, next question.

[55:27] Next question.

[55:27] Let's keep it moving.

[55:28] Hey.

S4

[55:29] Hi, I'm Corinne, last name withheld.

[55:31] Hi, Corinne.

[55:31] Hi.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] Hi, guys.

[55:34] Let's hear it for Corinne.

S4

[55:36] Brr, brr, brr, brr.

Elliott Kalan

[55:38] Thanks for your question.

[55:39] Talk to you later.

S4

[55:41] My question is, so you guys have announced your first road show.

[55:45] I assume this means you're going to get a sweet airbrushed van.

[55:48] What's going to be airbrushed on the side?

Elliott Kalan

[55:50] I think Stuart tweeted a...

[55:52] Somebody tweeted a picture at us.

Stuart Wellington

[55:53] Of the tall man from Phantasm?

[55:55] There was a Phantasm van.

[55:56] But instead of flying balls, it's our heads.

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:00] And we're smiling because it's a really enjoyable thing.

Elliott Kalan

[56:04] Or maybe it's like the Star Wars, the like Boris Vallejo type Star Wars poster.

[56:10] And Stuart is Luke and Dan is Leia.

[56:13] And I'm like, I don't know, what, an X-Wing or something?

[56:17] Yeah.

[56:20] So I don't know.

[56:21] Yeah, that was good enough.

[56:23] Let's get another cue up here so we can A it.

Dan McCoy

[56:25] I love this guy's dollar sign.

[56:28] Oh, yeah.

[56:29] They threw it out to the crowd to increase hype.

Elliott Kalan

[56:34] Yeah, that was given out earlier before.

[56:36] He didn't walk here from the subway wearing that.

[56:40] All right, well, I'll take it back.

[56:41] Although he will walk back to the subway with it.

[56:44] Yeah.

S6

[56:45] Hi, I'm Matt, last name withheld.

[56:48] Hi, Matt.

[56:49] I share a lot in common with each of you.

[56:51] And I love musicals.

[56:53] I love actually good movies.

[56:55] I love D&D modules.

[56:56] Yay.

[56:57] That's me.

[56:57] So I wanted to ask, of all the movies you've covered during your time in the Flophouse,

[57:02] what would you like to turn into a musical?

[57:04] What do you think is a salvageable, actually good movie?

[57:07] And what would you like to rewrite as a Dungeons & Dragons module?

[57:12] Oh, oh.

Elliott Kalan

[57:14] That's a good question.

[57:16] Three questions in one.

[57:17] That's a good question.

[57:17] Solid question.

[57:18] Good question.

[57:24] I think, so I got two choices.

[57:27] One, strangely enough, is Gods of Egypt, because that would make a bonkers musical.

[57:34] Julie Taymor up that stuff.

[57:37] But the other would be, and this might, don't just take it as the fact that these are the

[57:41] most recent ones we've seen, maybe I don't remember the others, that We Are Your Friends

[57:45] could make a real Rent-style musical, which I wouldn't like, but a lot of teen girls would

[57:51] buy that soundtrack and I'd make a lot of money.

[57:54] And then in 20 years they'd all be like, I'm embarrassed I liked that so much.

[57:59] And I would have been right all along.

[58:01] So you guys?

Dan McCoy

[58:03] Jesus.

[58:04] This question presupposes that we don't forget every movie that we watched nearly immediately.

[58:10] I mean, I think it's pretty clear, trying to talk about Gods of Egypt, that between 1 and

[58:16] 11 tonight, half of it at least went out of our brains.

[58:21] Yeah.

[58:21] But...

Stuart Wellington

[58:22] I mean, you took a huge nap, dude.

[58:26] That's like your body just getting rid of the day's garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[58:30] And what else would you call Gods of Egypt than that?

Dan McCoy

[58:34] So I'm just going to go with a movie recently that I kind of liked.

[58:37] If Burnt didn't...

[58:39] If it didn't make the main character such an asshole, and it had him actually encounter a

[58:47] few real obstacles on his way...

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] His head almost gets...

[58:51] Suv-V-ed?

[58:52] Suv-V-ed?

[58:53] Yeah.

[58:54] Suv-V-ed, yeah.

[58:54] I was corrected by a friend of mine in the pronunciation of that, and I don't remember

[58:57] what the real pronunciation is.

[58:59] Suv-V-ed.

Dan McCoy

[58:59] That sounds like a culinary superhero, Suv-V-ed.

[59:04] I like it.

[59:06] And since that's the closest thing to a joke I'm going to find here, I'm just going to

[59:10] move along.

Stuart Wellington

[59:11] Okay, for a D&D module, I would say my best bet is with Oogie Loves and the Big Balloon

[59:17] Adventure!

[59:19] Bap, bap, bap, bap!

Elliott Kalan

[59:21] I cannot like...

[59:23] What spells would you have to cast on that big floating sombrero to get it to move?

Stuart Wellington

[59:27] I wanted a CR on that thing.

[59:29] It would be so high.

[59:30] I don't know how you could defeat it.

Dan McCoy

[59:31] So what sort of character classes would Toofy be versus...

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] Toofy's got to be a rogue, right?

[59:40] I don't remember what they did.

[59:42] Toofy's the one whose pants fall down all the time.

[59:44] Then there's Science Boy, and then there's the girl.

[59:47] Okay.

[59:47] And Bobby Wobbly.

[59:48] And Bobby Wobbly.

[59:49] Oh, man.

[59:50] He's got some kind of a terror attack.

Dan McCoy

[59:52] He's like, wait, Bobby Wobbly's like chaotic evil, right?

[59:55] Oh, certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[59:57] Bobby Wobbly is the monster you throw in just to be a dick to your friends because there's

[1:00:00] no way they can beat it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:02] That's the one where I'm like, I can't wait to read the description in the book about how

[1:00:06] scary he is.

[1:00:10] Okay, turn the lights down and then put on, I don't know, this filter album because it's

[1:00:15] really scary and badass.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:19] I think that answers the question, I guess.

[1:00:21] Sure.

[1:00:21] Good question.

[1:00:23] A lot of pressure.

S4

[1:00:26] Hi.

[1:00:27] It's Liz, Etsy store withheld, because I've been on the podcast a couple of times.

[1:00:31] Hi, Liz.

[1:00:32] Hi, Stu.

[1:00:33] Hi, Liz.

[1:00:34] Hello, everybody.

[1:00:36] My question is, what is your favorite stupid monster from anything, basically?

[1:00:40] And I have two examples.

[1:00:41] All right.

[1:00:42] One being the compact disc Cenobite from Hellraiser 3.

[1:00:46] Took my answer.

[1:00:46] Didn't have to come up with a new one.

[1:00:48] All right, all right.

[1:00:48] And the other one being in Silent Hill 4, the room, there is a hospital patient monster

[1:00:53] that burps when you hit it.

[1:00:55] And, oh, no, oh, we're not at the best part yet.

[1:00:58] If you happen to hit it down a flight of stairs, it will burp on every step it hits.

[1:01:04] And it's a thing in an otherwise very frightening game that made me laugh so hard, I felt like

[1:01:08] I was having a stroke.

[1:01:10] So, stupid monsters.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:11] Stupid monsters.

[1:01:13] Because Eric Marsizak is in the audience tonight.

[1:01:16] Woo!

[1:01:17] I'm good.

[1:01:18] Woo!

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:19] Superstar Eric Marsizak.

[1:01:20] Let's take a moment out for this question to answer, who is Eric Marsizak?

[1:01:24] Eric Marsizak is, among other things, the guy who introduced Dan and me.

[1:01:29] And so...

[1:01:29] That's true.

[1:01:31] And was the comedy mastermind behind the late lamented Juvie Hall Theater, where we spent

[1:01:37] a lot of time performing.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:37] Put up a show called Sarah Schaefer's Obsessed With You.

[1:01:40] You may know Sarah Schaefer from television.

[1:01:43] Yeah.

[1:01:44] So, he's a real comedy impresario.

[1:01:47] Yeah.

[1:01:48] But, he introduced me to a film called, and Elliot, I believe, to a film called Hard Rock

[1:01:53] Zombies.

[1:01:53] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:54] That's good.

[1:01:55] We've talked about, on the podcast before, there's a Nazi zombie, like gnome creature.

[1:02:02] He's like a puppet.

[1:02:02] He's a little puppet who, through the movie, for inexplicable reasons, is slowly eating

[1:02:07] himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:07] He's eating his own...

[1:02:09] He's eating his own...

[1:02:09] And he's like...

[1:02:10] He has a jar of sugar.

[1:02:11] Sugar or salt on himself.

[1:02:12] And he puts it on him.

[1:02:13] And he's eating...

[1:02:14] And then, by the end of it, he's got no skin left.

[1:02:17] And the mask that's on the puppet just gets sucked into the mouth.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:22] I don't know what he...

[1:02:24] I don't know what was supposed to be scary about that, or why he was doing that, or what's

[1:02:29] threatening about someone who basically disposes of themselves as a threat.

[1:02:34] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] I didn't make the movie.

[1:02:36] You're the maker of Hard Rock Zombies, right?

[1:02:38] I didn't make it, but I wish I had.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:43] So, we've vamped for long enough.

[1:02:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:45] Let's answer this question, Elliot.

[1:02:47] I'm having trouble thinking, because all monsters are amazing.

[1:02:51] So...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:51] I'm going to say Chet from Weird Science.

[1:02:54] That's the brother who gets turned into...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:55] Wait, he's a monster?

[1:02:56] Hold on a second.

[1:02:57] He looks...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:57] I mean, he's a terrible brother.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:00] He gets turned into kind of a...

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:02] Like a pile of poop with arms.

[1:03:04] Yeah.

[1:03:05] If that's not the definition of a monster.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:07] It's not at all.

[1:03:09] But, okay, I'll take it.

[1:03:12] Stupid monster.

[1:03:14] I think I'm going to take...

[1:03:16] Uh...

[1:03:18] It's not...

[1:03:19] Uh...

[1:03:19] Mm...

[1:03:20] Uh...

[1:03:21] Good.

[1:03:22] Good podcasting.

[1:03:23] You know what?

[1:03:23] Okay.

[1:03:24] You know what?

[1:03:25] Can't think of a stupid monster, but I'll tell you a stupid monster trope that I don't

[1:03:28] like.

[1:03:28] I'll give you an example of it.

[1:03:29] Which is when a monster is mistaken for a person in a costume.

[1:03:34] Yep.

[1:03:34] I'll give you an example, which is the movie The Giver, in which a guy transforms...

[1:03:38] With Mark Hamill, yeah.

[1:03:39] With Mark Hamill.

[1:03:40] Yeah.

[1:03:40] Which a guy transforms into a monster and accidentally runs onto a movie set, and they think that he's

[1:03:44] the guy in a costume for the movie.

[1:03:46] And it's like, come on.

[1:03:48] That's...

[1:03:49] Like, that exists in a universe where Halloween costumes and costumes in general are way better

[1:03:53] than they are in the real world, and I cannot buy that.

[1:03:57] Because usually, even if someone's wearing a costume, they still have to wear shoes.

[1:04:00] Monsters, unless it's Dracula or the Wolfman halfway through.

[1:04:05] Or I guess Frankenstein's monster, they don't wear shoes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:08] I'm sorry.

[1:04:09] I mean, Frankenstein's kind of...

[1:04:10] Frankenstein's monster is kind of known for his shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:12] Yeah, shut your mouth, Frankenstein.

[1:04:14] Yeah, he's kind of what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:17] He's known for his shoes.

[1:04:18] Like, he is a footwear based...

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] Yeah, he's known for his line of shoes.

[1:04:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:22] It does look like he's wearing, like, Doc Martens around all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:27] Well, it's ironic, because what he's actually responsible for is Steve Madden shoes.

[1:04:31] And that's why in all his ads, you see horrible, kind of, inhuman creations.

[1:04:35] He's wearing shape-ups, which is why his butt is so tight.

[1:04:40] Even though he was given the butt of someone who never worked out, it looks amazing now.

[1:04:46] Those shoes don't work.

[1:04:47] Anyway, that's...

[1:04:48] That's the answer to that.

[1:04:49] There you go.

[1:04:49] I couldn't think of one.

[1:04:50] And I know on the way home, I'll be thinking of a couple.

[1:04:53] So anyway, I'll let you know later.

[1:04:56] Next question.

S5

[1:04:58] Hey, guys.

[1:04:59] Jeremy, last name withheld.

[1:05:01] Hey, Jeremy.

[1:05:02] Jeremy Sesto.

[1:05:04] So, tonight I watched The Vavitch.

[1:05:07] And to hold off the anger of the crowd, I thought there were lots of really good things in the film.

[1:05:16] However, I was disappointed because I expected a horror film, and it felt like more of a period drama.

[1:05:22] This is what I like to think of as a kangaroo jack effect.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:26] A movie that is...

[1:05:27] A period drama.

[1:05:28] ...mismarketed in its genre.

[1:05:30] It's a period drama in that it's no longer a point when Jerry O'Connell can open a film.

[1:05:35] Like, that's a time in history we can remember.

[1:05:38] Although, to be fair, the kangaroo opened that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:40] Oh, it's probably because of that scene where Black Phillip does that rap.

[1:05:44] When you like to live deliciously.

[1:05:47] Maliciously.

S5

[1:05:48] Yeah, so...

[1:05:49] So, my question to you is, what is your favorite examples of a film that you think would be good,

[1:05:55] but was unfortunately mismarketed for the genre that it was intended?

[1:05:59] John Carter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:00] John Carter.

[1:06:01] John Carter was mismarketed.

[1:06:03] It was a really good movie, and they made it look bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] That's a very simple answer.

[1:06:10] Yeah, it snuck in there.

[1:06:11] You didn't really give us a lot of time to think.

[1:06:14] You want to talk more about it?

[1:06:15] I'm going to turn the heat up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:17] What's that grown-up movie, or adults?

[1:06:18] What's it called?

[1:06:19] Halfway Grown Up, that Shirley Starran movie?

[1:06:21] Oh, Young Adult.

[1:06:22] Young Adult.

[1:06:24] You monster.

[1:06:24] I went to see a movie about a terrible mother-in-law, and it wasn't until halfway through the film that I realized,

[1:06:34] either this has been marketed wrong for me, or I bought a ticket to the wrong movie.

[1:06:38] Where's Jane Fonda?

[1:06:39] Yeah.

[1:06:39] Where's Jane Fonda?

[1:06:42] But yeah, I think Young Adult, if I had known halfway through that it was not really a comedy,

[1:06:47] I probably still wouldn't have liked it, but I would have understood it.

[1:06:50] Damn it, maybe I would have respected it.

[1:06:54] I got nothing.

[1:06:55] Okay.

[1:06:55] I'm sorry.

[1:06:57] You want to do what I did with the silly monster thing and just do a sideways answer that's not quite what they're asking for?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:03] Then I'll sing a song.

[1:07:05] To dream the impossible dream.

[1:07:10] To do a thing that I don't know.

[1:07:14] To be there when I should be over here.

[1:07:18] That's it.

[1:07:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:20] That's called, that's the hit, the hit, the hit number one song from Man of Dementia.

[1:07:31] Yes, another question, please.

S4

[1:07:32] Hello, hello.

[1:07:33] Hello.

[1:07:33] My name is Elizabeth, and I have a question for you.

[1:07:37] With the exception of our Lord and Savior, Nicholas Cage, if you could have anyone living on the podcast,

[1:07:46] who would you select, and what movie would you watch with them?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:49] I mean, I'm mad about Mads.

[1:07:51] That goes without saying.

[1:07:53] And I'm going to mispronounce his name as Mads through the whole episode.

[1:07:56] What movie?

[1:07:57] I don't know what I'd watch with him.

[1:07:58] I mean, I love The Hollow Rising.

[1:08:00] Somebody would just watch it with him and be like, that's awesome when you're beating that guy up.

[1:08:04] Hey, what was that scene like when you beat that other guy up?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:11] I feel like this is a weird one since he's now your boss, but I feel like having Joel on would be great.

[1:08:17] Oh, yeah.

[1:08:19] He would be great.

[1:08:20] He would be really good.

[1:08:22] This is a little sexual for Joel, but I always...

[1:08:26] But I want Joel inside me.

[1:08:31] There's a little movie called All Anal Nurses.

[1:08:33] Like in Inner Space?

[1:08:35] No, I...

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:37] Like in Inner Space, right?

[1:08:42] Yeah, you want to shrink him down.

[1:08:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:45] So he can find out that you're pregnant.

[1:08:48] No, one of my favorite bad movies is Hard Ticket to Hawaii.

[1:08:52] Joel always tried to stay away from like too much sex and violence.

[1:08:57] Well, because that's because MST3K is a family show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:00] Yeah.

[1:09:01] This is not a family podcast.

[1:09:02] I mean, he is a grown man with two children.

[1:09:04] He knows how it's done.

[1:09:05] That's one of my...

[1:09:06] That's one of my favorite bad movies.

[1:09:08] He's going to be horrified.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:10] If you want to see a giant poisonous snake pop out of a toilet and then someone shoot it

[1:09:14] with a rocket launcher, watch Hard Ticket to Hawaii.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:21] If I could watch a movie with anyone, I'd probably watch a movie with Jeffrey Combs.

[1:09:28] Wow.

[1:09:29] And that movie would be a little movie I like to call Castle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:37] Yeah, I mean, you already watched it with The Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:40] I already watched it with The Freak.

[1:09:41] Now I want another perspective.

[1:09:42] You got to go.

[1:09:44] I want to get...

[1:09:45] It's two sides of the same coin, Ellie.

[1:09:47] Yeah.

[1:09:49] Step right up.

[1:09:50] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:51] Hey, dudes.

[1:09:52] What's up?

[1:09:53] What's up, dude?

[1:09:54] Hi, man.

[1:09:55] That's pretty cool.

S6

[1:09:56] My name's Louie.

[1:09:58] So let's say like Gerard Butler's next movie is tailor-made for The Flophouse.

[1:10:04] What would it be?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:06] I mean, like we...

[1:10:07] We kind of watched it today, but that's...

[1:10:09] What did you guys say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:12] Oh, man.

[1:10:12] So we watch a lot of big, crazy action-adventure movies that just do really poorly, but we've

[1:10:19] already seen them in so many of those.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:21] We've also seen...

[1:10:22] But we saw them in Bad Dad's Soccer Dad, too.

[1:10:24] Yeah.

[1:10:24] We did see them in Bad Dad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:25] And we saw them in The Ugly Truth, right?

[1:10:26] The Ugly Truth.

[1:10:27] Yeah.

[1:10:28] So what do we not...

[1:10:29] He's like a triple threat.

[1:10:31] Quadruple threat.

[1:10:32] I mean, if we could see him...

Dan McCoy

[1:10:33] You know, I want to see him in an animated film as a voice.

[1:10:36] Okay.

[1:10:36] So you would hear him.

[1:10:37] You wouldn't see him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:39] No, he's playing...

[1:10:40] I mean...

[1:10:40] No, it's like...

[1:10:41] No, he's playing...

[1:10:42] So, Dan, I don't want to strunk and white you, but I'm a little worried about your incorrect

[1:10:44] usage throughout the podcast.

[1:10:46] No, he's playing himself.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:48] Oh, so it's a cartoon about Gerard...

[1:10:49] It's a cartoon about Gerard Butler trying to make Bad Dad's Soccer Dad.

[1:10:55] Okay.

[1:10:57] It's like the player, but it's animated.

[1:10:59] And it's got Dex Talk Techive as the sidekick.

[1:11:05] And the romantic interest, I assume?

[1:11:06] The romantic interest is Betty Boop.

[1:11:09] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:10] I would like to see him in a historical drama in which he plays a famous inventor from either

[1:11:15] the 18th or 19th centuries.

[1:11:17] Because I want to see him...

[1:11:18] Or no, here's what I want.

[1:11:19] I want him to play Archimedes.

[1:11:21] Because I want to see how he'd handle the scene where he discovers displacement of water

[1:11:25] and jumps out of the bath and runs through the town naked.

[1:11:29] You see how in Eureka.

[1:11:30] But I also want to see the scene at the end where the Romans...

[1:11:32] Not Roman.

[1:11:33] Whoever that soldier's from that killed him goes up and tries to kill him, but he changes

[1:11:37] history and killed that soldier dead.

[1:11:38] Because he's not Archimedes.

[1:11:40] He's Gerard Butler.

[1:11:43] Or as I'm going to call him, Gerard Comedies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:48] I feel like we haven't seen him in a musical yet.

[1:11:53] He was in the Phantom of the Opera.

[1:11:55] Oh, but I didn't see that.

[1:11:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:58] So technically, Stuart's correct.

[1:12:03] So we should stop with the people who are currently in line.

[1:12:08] Not that I do.

[1:12:09] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1:12:09] Whoa.

[1:12:10] Are you okay?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:10] Someone fell down in the back.

[1:12:11] They seem to be all right.

[1:12:13] Okay.

[1:12:14] It's getting rowdy.

[1:12:15] So let's...

[1:12:16] Yeah.

[1:12:16] If you're not online right now, you're not asking a question.

[1:12:18] Because this place is about to E-X-P-L-O-D-E like Neo-Tokyo.

[1:12:23] So, boom.

[1:12:25] It's a reference to a poster.

[1:12:28] Anyway.

[1:12:29] Next question.

S6

[1:12:30] Hi, Seth.

[1:12:32] Last name withheld.

[1:12:33] Hi, Seth.

[1:12:33] Hey, Seth.

[1:12:33] I like...

[1:12:34] I really appreciate the disclaimer at your live shows for Q&As, because Hell on Earth is a

[1:12:40] Comic-Con Q&A.

[1:12:42] I've been there.

[1:12:43] It's terrible.

[1:12:43] Thank you.

[1:12:44] Just trying to go to a Woody Allen Q&A.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:45] A lot of old people have a lot of stories about when they saw each individual Woody Allen

[1:12:49] movie.

[1:12:51] And they're dying soon, so they don't care how much of your time they take out.

S6

[1:12:55] That sort of answers my question, which was, what's the worst Q&A session that you experienced?

[1:13:03] And, yeah, pretty much, yeah.

[1:13:05] Oh, well, that was it for me, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:06] Woody Allen was at the 92nd Street Y, and they said ahead of time, he's going to be talking

Dan McCoy

[1:13:10] about...

[1:13:10] He selected a number of movies to be asked about that mean something to him, and he's going

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:15] to discuss those.

[1:13:15] He's not going to talk about his own movies.

[1:13:17] And every question, the moderator had to be like, no, we've already said he's not going

[1:13:22] to talk about his movies.

[1:13:23] Do you have any questions about...

[1:13:24] We want to create a discussion on these movies.

[1:13:26] Every question.

[1:13:27] Everyone had a story about how much they love Woody Allen movies and how much they meant

[1:13:31] to them, and they were each waiting for that moment where Woody Allen is like, you know

[1:13:34] what?

[1:13:36] No one is ever connected with my films the way that you have.

[1:13:40] Meet me backstage, because we're best friends now.

[1:13:44] And I want to spend every day with you.

[1:13:47] And anoint you as my heir.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:50] I don't know if I can think of a specific one, but I do think that if you go to a movie Q&A,

[1:13:57] most of the time, the guy who's running the Q&A is just the programmer for that particular

[1:14:03] movie theater.

[1:14:04] Yeah.

[1:14:04] And the skill set that is, let's program a movie theater, is different from the skill set

[1:14:09] of, let's talk in front of people.

[1:14:11] And so...

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:13] Let's potentially keep this weird creative guy on track.

[1:14:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:17] But also, it's very much like, I am so in awe of you, and let me talk for 12 minutes, giving

[1:14:28] my interpretation of the film that we just watched, and then you are going to say yes

[1:14:33] or no, because I have asked a non-openeded question at the end of that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:38] I would say the worst Q&A I went to was also The Best, which was a Q&A that Elliot went

[1:14:43] to with me.

[1:14:45] Was that Only God Forgives?

[1:14:46] Yep.

[1:14:46] Which was for the, let's say, mixed received movie, Only God Forgives, directed by Nicholas

[1:14:52] Wendig-Ruffin.

[1:14:53] And the panel was all either Thai actors or Nicholas Wendig-Ruffin, who was a super weirdo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:00] Or the star of the movie.

[1:15:03] Why can't I remember?

[1:15:04] Ryan Gosling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:05] There was plenty of film students asking their questions that just were basically trying

[1:15:10] to show off how much they knew.

[1:15:12] But the highlight of the Q&A was when Ryan Gosling, when asked if he could play any character

[1:15:17] in any film, who would he play?

[1:15:20] And he said, Freddy Krueger.

[1:15:22] And the room went crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:27] That's very great.

[1:15:28] I'll tell you this about a story where the question askers weren't the problem, where the

[1:15:32] person answering the question was the problem.

[1:15:34] This is a Q&A that I went to with the same person that I was with, the Only God Forgives

[1:15:39] one.

[1:15:39] My friend brought my hand in the audience.

[1:15:41] Anyway, where this was a screening of Targets, which Peter Bogdanovich was introducing the

[1:15:47] film.

[1:15:47] And he went so long because, and he pulled a trick.

[1:15:51] I got so much respect for him pulling this trick.

[1:15:53] The moderator was openly, openly being upset with how long Peter Bogdanovich was taking.

[1:16:00] Because they had to run the film.

[1:16:01] And I think they had to cancel the screening afterwards because he went so long.

[1:16:05] I might be remembering that wrong, but that's how I remember it.

[1:16:08] But he talked for, it was supposed to be like a 15 minute introduction when at least 45 minutes.

[1:16:11] Because he would answer a question.

[1:16:13] And before the moderator could say anything, Bogdanovich would say, one more question.

[1:16:16] One more question.

[1:16:17] And he answered at least 12 one more questions.

[1:16:20] And so many of his stories were about famous people who are dead now, so they can't deny

[1:16:25] it, telling him how good he is about stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:28] I can imagine a young Elliot like sweating and getting excited about the possibility of doing

[1:16:33] that exact same thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:35] Someday.

[1:16:36] Someday.

S6

[1:16:39] Oh, Jeff, last name withheld.

[1:16:41] Hey Jeff.

[1:16:42] I'm wondering if there are any recent bad movies you have intentionally avoided doing for

[1:16:46] the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:50] I feel like we have definitely pointedly not done the Ridiculous Six.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:57] Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true.

[1:16:59] Every time I want to watch something for Sandalvember, you insist that Sandalvember doesn't exist.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:05] And that we're not allowed to just watch the Adam Sandler movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:10] I don't know.

[1:17:11] Also, we pointily avoid anything that is over like 95 minutes.

[1:17:16] Yeah, we try.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:17] I mean, that's the sweet spot.

[1:17:18] Sometimes we end up with a two hour or because we didn't realize it.

[1:17:21] 87 minutes.

[1:17:22] Yeah.

[1:17:22] Just crank them out, please.

[1:17:23] And there's sometimes when there's a movie I want to watch, The Fluff House, and then

[1:17:25] Dan just goes ahead and watches it on his own because he's good like on a plane.

[1:17:30] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:30] What's the last one?

[1:17:31] Can you remember one?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:32] Off the top of my head?

[1:17:33] No, I don't remember.

[1:17:35] But a lot of times you go, well, I watched it.

[1:17:37] I watched it because I thought we might kind of like it.

[1:17:39] And I'm like, yeah, thanks.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:41] I mean, I think you understand what the point of the podcast is.

[1:17:47] Like I'm deliberately trying to fuck with you guys.

[1:17:49] Oh, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:51] Nine years of this.

[1:17:53] I never realized.

[1:17:54] And I never realized.

[1:17:54] It's like a Stanford experiment.

[1:17:56] But kind of a Stanford experiment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:57] I feel like every time I show up to watch a movie and it isn't Bucky Larson born to be a star,

[1:18:04] I'm like, thank you.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:08] We've got one more question and then you can get out of this hot, hot room down here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:13] Or stick around and have some drinks and party.

[1:18:15] Yeah, stick around and have a drink with me, dude.

[1:18:17] Yeah.

[1:18:19] Please.

[1:18:20] You can have a drink with Stuart or Dan, but not me.

[1:18:23] Anyway, I'm going to go home.

[1:18:25] I got places to be tomorrow.

[1:18:27] And that place is.

[1:18:30] Wait, what?

[1:18:32] Something yelled, something vulgar in the audience.

[1:18:34] Someone wants to touch his face.

[1:18:35] Yeah, and that's not going to happen.

[1:18:36] Because that's how you get pimples.

[1:18:38] Anyway, so.

[1:18:41] That's an old Cary Grant beauty tip.

[1:18:43] He'd say, don't touch your face.

[1:18:44] That's how you're skinned.

[1:18:45] Anyway.

S6

[1:18:47] How's it going now?

[1:18:47] Nick, last name with Peldum.

[1:18:49] Being that there's a direct connection to Mystery Science Theater,

[1:18:53] if you could actually take any of your episodes

[1:18:57] and bring it to, you know, the live setting,

[1:19:04] whatever you want to call it, for Mystery Science Theater,

[1:19:07] the in-between episodes,

[1:19:09] what would be the sketch,

[1:19:12] or what characters would you want to play

[1:19:14] from the movie you're watching?

[1:19:16] Like a host segment, you're saying?

[1:19:18] Yeah, like the host segments.

[1:19:20] You know, we'd get Torgo,

[1:19:22] we'd get Ortega.

[1:19:24] What would you guys like to take

[1:19:27] and make your own, like,

[1:19:28] Mystery Science Theater host episode?

[1:19:31] What did you just say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:36] Question points on that.

[1:19:37] I think it would be fun to be an Oogie Love.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:43] Dan says while leering at us.

[1:19:45] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:46] He said wistfully.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:49] You guys ever want to get in one of those Oogie Loves?

[1:19:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:55] No.

[1:19:56] I mean, Toofy would obviously be the one to be fun to be.

[1:20:00] Yeah.

[1:20:01] What, do you want to be the science one?

[1:20:03] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:04] You get to say science-tastic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:05] I'd love to get to be a Snake Man from Jonah Hex.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:09] Snake Man!

[1:20:11] I think I would want someone to come on

[1:20:13] playing not his character from Fateful Finding,

[1:20:17] but Neil Breen himself.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:20] Because there's such a great divide

[1:20:22] between his character and the creator of Neil Breen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:24] And if we could get Neil Breen,

[1:20:26] that would be the most,

[1:20:28] that would be the sweetest thing of all.

[1:20:31] That's from If I Were a Rich Man.

[1:20:34] Oh.

[1:20:35] Yeah, you couldn't tell

[1:20:36] because I didn't do my Tevye slash Bane voice.

[1:20:40] Why didn't you do that?

[1:20:42] You know what, Dan?

[1:20:43] Sometimes you make decisions

[1:20:44] that are the wrong decision in the moment.

[1:20:46] It's called being president.

[1:20:47] Anyway.

[1:20:50] We've had a lot of fun tonight, guys.

[1:20:52] Yeah, what have we learned from this show, Dan?

[1:20:54] How far over are we going?

[1:20:56] Pretty far over.

[1:20:56] So, Dan, what have we learned tonight?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:59] We've learned that when you get 150 people

[1:21:03] in a small room, it gets very warm.

[1:21:07] Just take your shirt off, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:08] They all want it.

[1:21:10] That's what they want.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:13] That's what they want.

[1:21:14] I have an undershirt on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:15] It's like when we record in your place.

[1:21:20] Yeah, so what do we do next?

[1:21:23] Do we do recommendations?

[1:21:24] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:25] Are we recommending anything?

[1:21:27] No, we're not recommending anything.

[1:21:29] This is the part of the podcast where we say...

[1:21:30] Movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:31] Movies are great, guys.

[1:21:32] Go check them out.

[1:21:33] Hey.

[1:21:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:34] Pop some corn.

[1:21:35] We've had a lot of laughs, but I'm going to say, you know what?

[1:21:38] Visit your local library.

[1:21:42] Horace may have done a lot of crazy things back in ancient Egypt,

[1:21:44] but he was right.

[1:21:45] It's all about how we take care of each other

[1:21:46] and do nice things for each other.

[1:21:48] And are we going to thank everybody for coming out?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:50] Yeah, thank you for coming out to Cake Shop and NYC

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:55] for the New York City Podfest.

[1:21:57] Thanks for listening.

[1:21:59] Thanks for laughing.

[1:22:00] Thanks for loving.

[1:22:01] Thanks for learning.

[1:22:03] Thanks for living, and if you do it, thanks for marping.

[1:22:06] Thanks for lusting.

[1:22:09] I was going to say.

[1:22:11] Not what I was going to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:12] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:22:14] For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:18] All right, guys.

[1:22:19] I'll be for the Flophouse, too.

[1:22:21] And I'll be Elliot Kalin.

[1:22:24] Good night, everyone.

[1:22:27] Bye.

[1:22:28] ROCK in the USA.

[1:22:31] ROCK in the USA.

[1:22:32] Oh, wow.

[1:22:36] It's a dead one.

[1:22:37] Let's go there.

[1:22:37] maximum fun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:02] Comedy and culture.

Jordan Morris

[1:23:03] Artist owned.

[1:23:04] Listener supported.

[1:23:06] I'm Jesse Thorne.

[1:23:07] I'm Jordan Morris.

[1:23:08] The federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities that you need to seize today.

[1:23:14] You're a taxpayer, right?

[1:23:15] Well, then you've got it coming.

[1:23:17] Thanks to Uncle Sam, you can get grant programs for veterans.

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[1:23:48] Athletic socks filled with stew.

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Ep. #205 - Gods of Egypt

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