Ep.#207 - The Boy

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the boy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] Let's hear it for the boy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:07] The movie.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:39] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:41] My name is Stuart Lenton Wellington.

[0:44] Lenton?

[0:44] Yeah, that's my middle name.

[0:46] Your middle name is Lenton?

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] Yeah, you didn't know my middle name.

[0:48] No, I knew it started with L, but I didn't know what it was.

[0:50] What do you think it was?

[0:52] Uh, Larry Lou.

[0:54] Stu Larry Lou Wellington.

[0:56] Nope, Stuart Lenton Wellington.

[0:58] It's a family name.

[0:59] Oh, okay.

[1:00] Uh, and this is Elliot Kalin with a slight cold, back from not being on an episode.

[1:05] So everyone can hold their horses.

[1:07] We haven't broken up.

[1:08] I haven't left.

[1:09] I'm still here.

[1:10] Why would you be the one who left?

[1:12] Maybe we, like, kicked you out.

[1:14] Yeah, man.

Dan McCoy

[1:15] No, that's not happening.

[1:16] Make sure that you're the breakout star of the show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18] Yeah, like, you're like, there's only water enough for one of us, so I'll leave you guys

[1:22] in the desert.

[1:25] Wait, you're the Justin Timberlake?

[1:26] No, I'm being Elliot now.

[1:27] Because Justin Timberlake is very successful.

[1:29] He's incredibly successful.

[1:32] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33] Why don't you like Justin Timberlake, Dan?

[1:35] Yeah, he can dance.

[1:36] He can sing.

[1:36] He's a great comedian.

[1:38] Oh, brother.

[1:38] He can act.

[1:39] He's handsome.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40] I think that's four things, so he's a quadruple threat.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] He can do it both ways.

[1:43] He can be casual and dressed up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] Oh, I thought you meant regular and doggy.

[1:49] Yeah.

[1:50] The other version's just regular.

[1:53] Regular.

[1:54] Like, man, do you mind if we just do a regular tonight?

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:57] I'm Dan.

[1:58] You're ordering it at the window and you say, I'll have a regular.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[2:02] At the sex burger drive-thru.

[2:04] At the sex window.

[2:06] I'll have a regular.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] Yep.

[2:08] No sauce.

[2:09] What does that mean?

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] This is a nice punch-up for your Black Mirror episode.

[2:13] What if sex was fast food?

Dan McCoy

[2:15] Oh.

[2:18] Yeah, so we watched a horror movie tonight.

[2:21] But what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] For people who are just starting today, never heard an episode of The Flop.

[2:26] Well, they've turned the episode off.

[2:27] Or they're like, I love this Viceland show about whatever it's about.

[2:31] I'm going to check out the podcast.

[2:32] Oh, come on.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] We actually met one of those guys and he was really nice, Elliot.

[2:35] Did we tell you that story?

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] You did.

[2:36] He sounds very nice.

[2:38] Mm-hmm.

[2:39] So what do we do on this podcast?

[2:41] It's a podcast where we watch a bad...

[2:43] Okay, it's established.

[2:44] Sure.

[2:45] We're treading water right now.

[2:47] We're keeping it tight, Dan.

[2:49] Tight and taut.

[2:50] Come on, like we talked about.

Dan McCoy

[2:51] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:54] Yep.

[2:55] And what movie do we watch?

[2:56] We watched a horror movie, which is usually confined to the month of Shocktober.

[3:01] Yeah, normally, yeah.

[3:03] But it has escaped its bounds like a vengeful spirit and made us watch The Boy.

[3:11] Now, is this The Boy?

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] By vengeful spirit, the vengeful spirit was me because I said, I want to watch The Boy.

[3:16] And when other people were like, you know, that movie was kind of successful financially and...

[3:22] Not a terrible critical.

[3:23] Not a terrible critical plot.

[3:25] You could just watch it for funzos.

[3:27] And I'm like, dude, I don't have the time.

[3:30] I'm busy as a beaver in a wood factory.

[3:34] A little known aphorism.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] You don't have the time.

[3:38] So you're turning the flop house into your leisure activity?

[3:40] This is a serious job, Stuart.

[3:42] I know.

[3:42] This is work.

Stuart Wellington

[3:43] Yep.

[3:44] Normally, it takes me a full 40 minutes to get into character, the Stuart character that

[3:50] you guys have come to know and love.

[3:52] Where I...

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] What do you do, Stu?

[3:53] What's your process?

[3:55] I...

[3:55] To anyone who's just listening for the first time, Stu's character is kind of the ultimate

[3:58] party dude.

[3:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[4:00] So I...

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] He's rude and he's got tood.

[4:02] I put on my overalls two legs at a time.

[4:06] Like a man.

[4:06] You just jump into them?

[4:07] Yep.

[4:08] And then I comb my hair.

[4:10] I look in the mirror.

[4:12] But one of the overall straps you undo.

[4:13] It depends on if it's formal evening or not.

[4:17] Well, since we're recording an episode of a podcast, it's always formal.

[4:20] Yeah.

[4:20] A little slingshot hanging out of the back pocket of those overalls.

[4:23] Yep.

[4:24] And in the other pocket, a bunch of peanut M&Ms to use in that slingshot.

[4:28] So when people are having a bad day, I just shoot one of those in their mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] To make their day worse?

[4:33] Don't we kill them?

[4:34] So they choke on peanut M&Ms?

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] Especially if they've got a peanut allergy.

[4:38] Yeah, I say, choke that one down with a smile.

[4:40] That's my new catchphrase.

[4:41] Choke that one down with a smile.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] That's the new peanut M&Ms slogan.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] Yep.

[4:48] M&Ms, choke that one down with a smile.

[4:50] Yeah, you know those talking things that people eat in the commercials?

[4:53] M&Ms.

[4:55] Yeah.

[4:55] You know the big one that's kind of the dumb guy?

[4:58] Because I guess he's fat.

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] Yeah, I don't know who does his voice.

[5:00] I think Billy West does the other one.

[5:02] Well...

[5:03] He does.

[5:04] I read M&Ms.

[5:04] Choke that guy down with a smile.

[5:07] Okay, now we watched this movie.

[5:08] The Boy.

[5:08] Did we watch the 2015 horror movie, The Boy?

[5:11] No.

[5:12] We watched the 2016.

[5:14] Oh, it's 2013.

[5:15] We watched the 2016 horror movie, The Boy.

[5:16] Directed by William Brent Bell.

[5:17] What's the difference?

[5:18] You started reading the Wikipedia episodes of the 2015.

[5:21] It turns out they're not actually as different as it seems.

[5:23] The 2015 one is about a young boy who has lost his mother and his dad has checked out of reality and so the boy is like a budding serial killer.

[5:32] Okay.

[5:33] Whereas this one is the one directed by William Brent Bell who also directed Flophouse Fave, The Devil Inside.

[5:38] Oh man, huge movie.

[5:41] Oh, enormous.

[5:42] Again, a huge success.

Stuart Wellington

[5:44] The only movie I've ever seen where instead of giving you the ending of the movie they say, go check out this website for more information.

Elliott Kalan

[5:50] Oh shit, that's that one.

[5:51] Yeah.

[5:52] That must be the least visited website in the history of the internet.

[5:55] Even less visited than, unfortunately, PenguinFarts.com.

[5:58] Yeah.

[5:59] One of my many venues.

Stuart Wellington

[6:00] Dan, I'm surprised you don't remember because we were interviewed.

[6:03] What?

[6:03] What are you doing out there?

[6:04] Sorry, I dropped a metal coaster.

[6:07] A roller coaster.

[6:08] What?

[6:09] Not an original wooden coaster?

[6:12] No, no, metal one.

[6:13] Man, I don't care for these metal coasters like Kingda Ka, Nitro, I don't know, some other ones.

[6:19] Medusa, sure.

[6:20] Great American Scream Machine.

[6:21] Batman the Ride.

[6:22] Yeah, Batman the Ride.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] Yeah, Joker's Adventure.

[6:24] Don't forget Green Lantern.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] That's the name of the roller coaster is Don't Forget Green Lantern.

[6:29] When are they going to make Batman the Ride the movie?

[6:32] That's what I want to know.

[6:34] I mean.

[6:34] That property's out there.

Stuart Wellington

[6:35] Yeah, I mean, all those other super successful roller coaster based movies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:40] I mean, there's plenty of successful theme park ride based movies.

[6:43] Pirates of the Caribbean, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Pirates of the Caribbean 3.

[6:47] Country Bears.

[6:48] It's a Small World, the movie.

[6:50] That's the one where the world is shrinking and a bunch of kids from around the world have

[6:54] to stop it.

[6:54] And also that French kid who sings the,

[6:57] It's Christmas, St. Noel song.

Dan McCoy

[6:59] And Mr. Toad's Wild Ride turned into Fifty Shades of Grey.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] It's a loose adaptation.

[7:05] So The Devil Inside was a different movie.

[7:08] We were interviewed about it on the Planet Money.

[7:11] A planet made entirely of money.

[7:12] A planet made entirely of money.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] Took our interview and were like, these guys are idiots.

Elliott Kalan

[7:16] Throw it in the garbage.

[7:19] That's what they did with my audio.

[7:21] It's true, you did not appear in it.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] I think I just have like...

[7:25] You can feel my presence.

Stuart Wellington

[7:26] Yeah, exactly.

[7:27] Much like the presence of The Boy.

[7:28] Yes, Stuart?

[7:29] They just used my dumb guffaw in the background.

[7:32] My Ed McMahon hype man laugh.

[7:34] But that was what made the soundbite.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] That's true.

[7:37] Now, The Boy.

[7:39] Let's talk about it, shall we?

[7:40] This is a horrorful film.

[7:42] It is.

[7:43] It's full of horror.

Stuart Wellington

[7:44] It's full of horror and terror.

[7:46] So the movie opens with a smash cut.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] Media res.

[7:50] Nope.

[7:51] It opens quite delicately.

Stuart Wellington

[7:52] A girl riding in a car.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] There's a girl named Greta, who's played by someone from The Walking Dead.

[7:57] Let's call her TW Dead.

[7:59] And it's her real name.

[8:01] And she's from Montana.

[8:03] She's fleeing an abusive relationship with a guy named Cole.

[8:06] Ladies, let me just stop right there.

[8:07] If you meet a guy named Cole, do not date him.

[8:10] Yeah, unless he is Grifter from Wildcats.

[8:13] Or Cole Hauser, the actor.

[8:14] And even then, I'm not totally sold on him.

Stuart Wellington

[8:17] If his name is Cole, unless he's...

[8:18] In order of dateable Coles, you have Cole Hauser.

[8:21] He's in the middle.

[8:23] Up above him, you have Cole Cash from Wildcats, a.k.a. Grifter.

[8:26] And below that, Cole Slaw.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] If he is like a bunch of mayonnaise-y cabbage slices, go ahead.

[8:32] Knock yourself out.

[8:33] Eat it up.

[8:33] Yeah, eat that man like he's Pizza the Hut.

Dan McCoy

[8:36] What about like a ranch hand named Cole with a cigarette dangling from his lips?

[8:41] No.

[8:41] Nope.

[8:42] Check the categories, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[8:43] You're not going to be able to tame him.

[8:44] And he doesn't fit into one of those categories.

[8:46] Cole is a bad news name.

[8:48] It's right up there with like Slade.

[8:51] If you meet a guy named Slade or a guy named Python, do not date them.

[8:54] If you meet a guy named Viper or a guy named Sharktooth, don't date them.

Stuart Wellington

[8:59] Yeah.

[9:00] You're living in adventures and babysitting probably.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] If you meet a guy named...

Stuart Wellington

[9:05] Get in the jazz band club or whatever and play the blues.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] If you meet a guy named Cole Slade Tooth, I don't care how charming he is on the first date.

[9:13] Yeah.

[9:13] By the fifth date, he will be chasing you through an abandoned house with a hammer in his hand,

[9:17] shouting, bedtime, bedtime, or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[9:20] That's an interesting direction that you went with him, that he's like a weird serial killer

[9:25] person instead of just an abusive boyfriend person.

[9:27] Oh, no.

[9:28] He'll be...

[9:28] I mean, he'll most likely be somewhere in between the two.

[9:31] You want a guy who can be both, right?

Dan McCoy

[9:33] You want a man who can do both.

[9:34] A serial killer in the sheets and an abusive boyfriend in the streets.

[9:37] In the streets.

Elliott Kalan

[9:38] Yep.

[9:38] That's the worst of all worlds.

[9:41] So, Greta is taking a job at an English manor house.

[9:45] She's from Montana.

[9:45] She's an American, y'all.

[9:47] And she's never been to England before.

[9:48] She's never even met an English person before.

[9:50] No.

[9:51] And she's taking a job as the au pair slash nanny slash governess of a...

Dan McCoy

[9:56] She's pulling a reverse Mary Poppins.

Elliott Kalan

[9:59] In that she's not made of magic?

[10:00] In that she's a non-magical American nanny.

[10:04] And the boy has possibly some magical properties, I guess.

[10:09] More of a Mary Poppins, if you will.

[10:11] Anywho.

[10:11] I won't.

[10:13] She's taking this job.

[10:15] And she finds herself at first in a house that appears to be abandoned.

[10:19] Until a plucky young grocer named, what, William?

[10:23] No, Wallace.

[10:23] Something like that.

[10:24] William Wallace.

[10:25] And William Wallace tells her that freedom is important.

[10:27] But anyway, he, who's this charming young grocer,

[10:30] says, oh, I come here once a week to this kind of isolated country house

[10:35] to put up the groceries.

[10:38] You're going to be taking care of Brahms?

[10:39] Oh, he's the kid here.

[10:41] Then the parents show up.

[10:42] And they're...

Stuart Wellington

[10:43] Before that, like, he explains that she's going to be taking care of Brahms,

[10:46] and then he's like, I'm not going to go into that.

[10:48] Instead, I'm going to tell you about how I'm a fucking psychic by reading people's chewing gum.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] He's being charming.

[10:53] He's doing a little...

[10:54] Oh, okay.

[10:55] He's doing a little, what I would call the flirtato, which is like a flirtatious potato.

Dan McCoy

[11:00] And the best way to flirt with a lady is to get her spittle all over your hands in the form of chewing gum.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] It shows that you're not afraid of intimacy, Dan.

[11:07] Yeah.

[11:08] Because what's more...

[11:09] Or germs.

[11:09] Yeah, exactly.

[11:10] What, we might as well have sex.

[11:12] I've already got your germs on my hands.

[11:13] Yep.

[11:13] What lady could say no to that logic?

[11:15] Yeah, it's basically a crazy town song.

[11:17] The parents show up, and there's something a little off about them,

[11:23] and it soon turns out that Brahms is actually a ceramic doll

[11:27] that the parents seem to be convinced is a live boy.

[11:30] And they give her all these rules.

[11:32] You've got to play with him.

[11:32] You can't leave him alone.

[11:33] You've got to make him meals.

[11:34] You've got to kiss him, tuck him in goodnight.

[11:37] You've got to dress him in his PJs.

[11:38] Then you've got to dress him in his clothes.

[11:39] You've got to make sure to empty out the rat traps.

[11:41] And empty out the rat traps.

[11:43] You can't waste food.

[11:44] Yeah, you might get rats in the walls if you don't empty out them rat traps.

[11:47] And it's not going to be fun like the Lovecraft story, Rats in the Walls,

[11:50] where there's some kind of unspeakable horror scratching away between dimensions.

[11:54] They used to tell him as Laugh-A-Minute Lovecraft.

[11:57] Yep.

[11:58] You'll chuckle.

[11:59] Your sides will split.

[12:00] You're going to love his craft.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] Hilarious person, Lovecraft.

Elliott Kalan

[12:05] That was his name, yeah.

[12:07] Indescribably funny, they would say.

[12:10] These Cyclopean jokes.

[12:12] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] A lot of racist jokes, though.

Stuart Wellington

[12:15] A lot of racist stuff.

[12:16] Would not stand up today.

[12:17] But you've got to understand, at the time...

[12:20] He was still pretty racist.

[12:21] Yeah.

[12:22] But he had a thing with his mom where he stayed at home.

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] Speaking of staying at home, so Brahms is going to stay there.

[12:31] Greta's going to stay there with Brahms.

[12:32] Yeah, Brahms is staying there.

[12:33] He's a fucking doll.

[12:34] He's a doll.

[12:34] He's not going anywhere.

[12:35] He's a creepy-looking doll with very pale skin.

[12:38] It's like...

[12:40] You imagine this is like Tim Burton's My Buddy doll from when he was a kid.

[12:44] Yep.

[12:45] Like, just a creepy, spooky little doll.

[12:47] Mm-hmm.

[12:48] Or his wrestling buddy.

[12:50] Yeah, possibly, sure.

[12:51] His real-life wrestling buddy today.

[12:53] Mm-hmm.

[12:53] He always wins.

[12:55] The parents leave.

[12:57] We're going to have him.

[12:57] It's been so long since we went on a holiday.

[12:59] Bye-bye.

[12:59] Ta-ta.

[13:00] La-la-la-la.

[13:01] Be sure to play Brahms' music very loud.

[13:03] He loves his music.

[13:04] And Greta's like, these people are crazy, but they're going to pay me a bunch of money to watch a doll.

[13:08] This is the life.

[13:10] Just like that Weird Al song.

Dan McCoy

[13:11] They seem suspiciously sad for people going on a holiday.

[13:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:15] Yeah, I mean, they're sad because they're leaving their little baby boy Brahms, dude.

[13:18] I felt that way when I've left Sammy behind.

[13:20] Sammy the doll that I pretend is a baby, that is.

[13:22] Yeah, we've been meaning to talk to you about that.

[13:24] What?

[13:25] Oh, no, I know he's a doll.

[13:26] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[13:26] It's so much easier to take care of than a real baby.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Mm-hmm.

[13:28] Sometimes I just forget I have a baby for days on end.

Stuart Wellington

[13:32] Yeah, and porcelain is way easier to clean up when it gets poop all over it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:35] Yeah, and it's my poop, so it's like, I got no one to blame but myself.

[13:38] I can't get mad about it.

Stuart Wellington

[13:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and your poop's super easy to clean up.

[13:41] Yeah, because of what I eat.

Elliott Kalan

[13:42] I all know that.

[13:43] I have a diet of mostly clean foods.

[13:45] Mm-hmm.

[13:45] It makes it very easy to clean up later.

[13:47] Yeah, mainly voles.

[13:48] I eat.

[13:49] And most of it comes out in my pellets that I cough up.

Dan McCoy

[13:52] I eat various soaps, decorative soaps, just to make sure my poop's the cleanest it can be.

[13:58] I get soaps shaped like food.

[13:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] Because really, all your stomach understands is shape.

[14:02] It's all about texture.

Dan McCoy

[14:03] Mm-hmm.

[14:04] Your stomach is blind.

[14:05] I mean, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] It can't see the food.

[14:07] It can't smell it.

[14:07] Your stomach doesn't have a nose.

Stuart Wellington

[14:08] Eyes are the window to the stomach.

[14:10] Am I right?

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] Your head is designed wrong.

[14:15] Unfortunately, Greta is like, I'm just going to put this doll in a corner with a blanket over it.

[14:19] You're like a normal person.

[14:21] And I'm going to, oh, Malcolm.

[14:22] That's the guy.

[14:22] I'm going to flirt with Malcolm.

[14:23] You leave your normal person sitting in a chair with a blanket over it.

[14:26] Yeah.

[14:26] And she goes, I'm going to go on a date with Malcolm.

[14:29] She's taking a shower.

[14:30] And while she's in the shower, strange things are happening.

[14:32] Her dress disappears.

[14:34] Her necklace.

[14:35] Her necklace disappears.

[14:37] And she finds that the attic, which she couldn't open before, is now open.

[14:40] In her towel, she creeps up with a whale harpoon in her hand that was leaning against the wall.

[14:45] Mm-hmm.

[14:46] And the door slams shut.

[14:48] She's trapped in the attic.

[14:49] Ah!

[14:50] She misses her date.

[14:51] Ah!

[14:51] And she gets scared by something and falls and knocks herself out.

[14:53] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[14:55] Now, if I see an attic door open, I'm just going to leave that towel on, you know?

[15:00] Because, like, that towel is way thicker than any clothes she would probably be wearing.

[15:04] Yeah, why change the clothes?

[15:05] That's like fucking body armor, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] Why close the attic and leave when you can go investigate?

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:10] Because you're one of the mystery machine gang.

[15:13] Mm-hmm.

[15:14] Is that a bunch of robots that solve mysteries?

[15:17] Yeah, let's just say it.

[15:18] That's more interesting than what it actually is, so yes.

[15:22] But weird things start happening around the place.

[15:25] A peanut butter jelly sandwich appears for her.

[15:28] There are weird phone calls from a child's voice.

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:31] She sees the doll's legs walking underneath the crack in the door under her bedroom door.

[15:36] It's like, ah, ah, ah.

[15:38] And meanwhile...

[15:38] There's, like, shadows that appear behind her.

[15:41] There's shadows and things.

[15:42] Like, creepy stuff and creaks and all sorts.

[15:44] Like, there's something in the house with her.

[15:46] And you think it's a ghost, because it's doing lots of ghost stuff.

[15:49] Yeah.

[15:49] Ah, meanwhile, this is something that she doesn't learn until later, but the movie decides to

[15:53] tell us now for purposes of suspense.

[15:55] The parents have left a goodbye letter for Brahms, and then they fill their pockets with rocks,

[16:01] rock pockets, we call them.

[16:02] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[16:02] And then just walk into the ocean until they're drowned and dead.

[16:06] Yep.

[16:07] They try to walk on the water, step on the shore, flesh becomes water, wood becomes bone.

[16:20] What is this?

[16:21] Toad the Wet Sprocket, dog.

[16:22] My favorite band.

[16:24] Oh, yeah.

[16:24] Really?

[16:25] Yeah.

[16:25] Couldn't you tell from the way I sang that song?

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] As if you were feeling through a dark room for a light switch that wasn't there?

[16:32] Yeah.

[16:32] That was very, that was excellently done.

[16:34] So Greta starts to believe, there's a ghost around here.

[16:36] And she kind of gets Malcolm to believe it, too.

[16:39] She invites him over, and she shows him that the doll, when they leave the room, moves to

[16:43] somewhere else.

[16:44] Ah!

[16:45] And Malcolm says, when this kid was alive, it turns out the son had died, they had a

[16:50] real son, he died years ago.

[16:51] Yeah, in a really fun fire.

[16:53] In a fire.

[16:54] Before he died in this fire, he had a playmate over.

[16:57] Some little girl had a play date with him.

[16:59] And she was found in the forest with her skull crushed.

[17:02] And before this odd kid could be investigated, there was a fire and he died.

[17:06] And now, they think that the ghost is in there.

[17:08] Bump, bump, bump.

[17:10] And it takes...

Dan McCoy

[17:11] Ghosts like to live in dolls.

Elliott Kalan

[17:13] Yeah, yeah.

[17:13] I mean, it's comfortable.

[17:14] Look at fucking Chucky, man.

[17:16] Yeah.

[17:17] And Annabelle.

Dan McCoy

[17:18] Annabelle, yeah.

[17:20] Which one was Annabelle from?

Stuart Wellington

[17:21] From The Conjuring.

[17:22] And the spinoff movie, Annabelle.

[17:25] Yeah.

[17:26] Annabelle Rising?

[17:26] Annabelle Lector.

[17:28] But I don't want to hear one more fucking word about Annabelle Rising.

[17:33] I'm just saying it's the undiscovered gem of the Hannibal series.

[17:37] Elliot, I will...

[17:37] Finally, we know his backstory.

[17:39] I will give you $500 if you can tell me who played Hannibal Lecter in fucking Hannibal

[17:46] Rising.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] It was...

[17:47] Without using your phone.

[17:48] His name was Hannibal the actor.

[17:52] No, who was it?

[17:53] I don't even remember anymore.

[17:54] It was just some young guy.

Dan McCoy

[17:55] Stuart's very bitter about this because we did the pub quiz at Max Fun Con, led by Mr.

[18:02] John Hodgman and Chuck Bright from Stuff He's a Go.

[18:03] And it was the one thing I should be able to do.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] And we had to list the four actors who have played Hannibal Lecter.

[18:10] Oh, you can only do three of them.

[18:11] Yeah.

[18:12] Mads, of course the best.

[18:14] Anthony Hopkins and Striker.

[18:16] Yep, Striker.

Stuart Wellington

[18:17] Thank you.

[18:18] Yeah, that's how he likes his family to refer to him.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] That X-Men 2 was really weird.

[18:23] He felt like he came into his own.

[18:24] So he likes to call him Striker.

Stuart Wellington

[18:25] Brian Cox's family's like, Dad.

[18:28] He's like, don't call me Dad.

[18:29] Call me Striker.

[18:30] Call me Striker.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] I forgot his name was Brian Cox, which is strange since I've seen him in a play.

[18:34] We don't have to talk about that.

[18:35] It was called Rock and Roll.

[18:36] It's a Tom Stopper play.

[18:37] Anyway, so they're convinced.

[18:40] There's a ghost around here, and everything seems to be kind of fine.

[18:43] She follows the rules.

[18:44] She plays with this doll.

[18:46] The ghost is happy.

[18:47] They're kind of a family now, and she reveals that she has this boyfriend, Cole, who she

[18:52] had to get away from, who was kind of abusive.

[18:54] She had become impressed.

Stuart Wellington

[18:55] Gaspar Ulio is who plays Hannibal.

[18:59] Ulio?

[19:00] Yeah, something like that.

[19:01] Gaspar Ulio or something.

[19:03] It sounds like the French waiter in a cartoon for kids.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] It sounds like the full name of a horror host who goes by Guglio.

Elliott Kalan

[19:11] Yeah, I could see that.

[19:13] Or Guglio would also be, what, Coolio on Halloween?

[19:15] Yep, it's when the Guglio's Italian cousin comes to visit them at college.

[19:21] Guglio is what Coolio's name would be in the credits of a Simpsons Halloween episode.

[19:26] That's right.

[19:26] If he was like an animation supervisor on The Simpsons.

[19:30] There's some alternate universe where instead of becoming a famous rapper, he's an animation

[19:34] supervisor for Film Roman.

[19:36] I like that.

[19:37] And he's just named Guglio in the credits.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] Version of reality.

[19:40] Even though he works at a cartoon show, he still calls himself Coolio normally.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] Sure.

[19:44] That was his birth name.

[19:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:47] Jerry Coolio.

[19:49] Well, if it's his last name, it's much more believable.

[19:52] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[19:54] Coolio Jones.

[19:55] And Greta believes that because she was pregnant and had a miscarriage, that she was meant to

[20:05] take care of this ghost child.

[20:07] And so everything happens for a reason.

[20:08] Blah, blah, blah.

[20:09] Until Cole shows up.

[20:12] Bump, bump, bump.

[20:13] Cole Hauser, the actor?

[20:14] No, we wish.

[20:15] Okay.

[20:16] It's Cole, her ex-boyfriend, who is just as...

[20:18] Cole the...

[20:19] The rock?

[20:21] Wait.

[20:22] No, it's spelled differently.

Stuart Wellington

[20:24] If it was Cole the rock, they'd be like, great, this would be useful for warming the house.

[20:27] Mm-hmm.

[20:28] Or giving bad children, like Brahms, for Christmas.

[20:31] Yeah, just kidding.

Elliott Kalan

[20:32] He's a great kid.

[20:32] Now, here's the thing I'm going to talk about before we get to Cole's entry, because we're

[20:36] already in act three of this movie.

[20:37] There's not a lot of plot in this movie.

[20:39] For most of this movie, I think we're supposed to sympathize with Greta, because she's scared

[20:43] and doesn't know what to do.

[20:44] She's just a normal young American out on the town.

[20:46] Mm-hmm.

[20:46] She was hired to do a job.

[20:48] Yeah.

[20:48] Take care of this child doll.

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:50] And she does not do it for a while.

[20:52] And as is his right as the employer, Brahms complains in the only form he knows how.

[20:58] Jazz lighting.

[20:58] Locking her in the attic.

[21:00] And giving her peanut butter sandwiches.

[21:01] And giving her peanut butter jelly sandwiches.

[21:02] And you know what?

[21:03] Lesson learned.

[21:04] She does her job.

[21:06] So take that, millennials.

[21:07] If someone pays you to do something, you give it 110% so that that ghost is happy.

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] She's like, oh, no, I'm bored.

[21:13] I can't get internet service.

[21:14] Well, do your job, dude.

[21:15] Hey, you know what?

[21:16] Doing your job is never boring.

[21:17] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] You know what makes a job most interesting?

[21:21] When you do it with enthusiasm and you give 110%.

[21:23] Yeah.

[21:24] Because you're the one making that job boring.

[21:26] The job's not boring.

[21:27] You've got to find your joy in the work.

[21:29] You've got to love the work.

[21:30] Yeah.

[21:30] Have you cleaned out all the traps outside and made sure there's no rats in them?

[21:33] Because here's what you can do.

[21:34] Oh, gross.

[21:35] I don't want to clean traps full of rats.

[21:36] Hey, there's 17 traps around this house.

[21:39] Let's see how many rats we can collect in them.

[21:41] Let's see how fast we can clean them out.

[21:43] Make a little game out of it, you know?

[21:45] Make a deuce story.

Stuart Wellington

[21:46] Pretend you're, I don't know, a member of the Cleveland basketball stars.

[21:51] Who just won the super dunk.

[21:53] I don't know.

[21:54] And you're trying to dribble the most dead rats out of traps.

[21:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Let's, okay.

[22:01] You don't want to give Brahms his bath because he's just a doll.

[22:04] You know what?

[22:05] Use your imagination.

[22:06] Maybe Brahms isn't a doll taking a bath.

Stuart Wellington

[22:08] Maybe he's in a submarine.

[22:10] Yeah, yeah.

[22:10] And you're the captain.

[22:11] And I got to tell you, you might not want to give Brahms a bath.

[22:14] He is way more embarrassed than you are.

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:16] He doesn't want you to see his little porcelain weenie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:18] No, because he is very anatomically correct.

[22:21] Oh, he's very.

[22:22] And circumcised.

Stuart Wellington

[22:22] He's terrified you're going to break that thing off the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] Exactly.

[22:25] Because you're washing it much too violently.

[22:28] Please be careful.

Stuart Wellington

[22:29] You're paying a little too much attention to that.

[22:30] I know you're trying to get into all the crevices, but still, let's give it a rest.

[22:34] Yes, I get it.

[22:35] It's really veiny.

[22:37] Some people are into that, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] It's just, look, it's a work of art.

[22:42] Let's just take all the sexual element away from it.

[22:45] It's a work of human expression of the most beautiful thing in the universe, the human body.

[22:49] Yeah.

[22:49] Human penis.

[22:49] Just ask.

[22:50] The human penis.

[22:50] The most beautiful thing in the universe.

[22:52] The least goofy piece of sexual organs, the human penis, which is essentially a droopy

[22:58] windsock that occasionally gets caught in a very high wind.

Stuart Wellington

[23:00] I'm glad you said least goofy and not least gonzo, because it reminds me of gonzo shows all

[23:05] the time.

[23:06] It is quite gonzo.

[23:06] No.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] In fact, gonzo the great was originally called penis face the great until children's television

[23:12] workshop said to Jim Henson, you can't call him that.

[23:15] And he's like, you don't control me.

[23:17] You only do Sesame Street.

[23:19] This is the Muppet Show, a show for adults.

[23:20] And me and my new producer, Ralph Bakshi, are going to make it this way.

[23:24] And Ralph Bakshi's like, hmm, how do I fit more genitals into this show?

[23:28] Anyway.

[23:29] So that's the untold story of the Muppet Show.

[23:31] So the lesson of all that is, one, gonzo's face has a penis on it.

[23:36] Yep.

[23:37] And a penis shaped like an umbrella handle, like many of them are.

[23:40] And two, if you get a job, do the job.

[23:43] I learned to love the job.

[23:45] Yeah.

[23:45] Because you know what's going to impress your employer?

[23:47] A ghost doll?

[23:48] Uh-huh.

[23:49] Doing the job.

Dan McCoy

[23:52] You're going to get extra, I don't know, ectoplasm for that or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[23:55] Yeah, and that's something you can do with somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[23:57] Yeah, it'll squirt it into a little beaker that you can, I don't know, trade at the market.

[24:01] I mean, it's basically just cheesecloth that you regurgitate to bring out.

Dan McCoy

[24:05] You can spray it all over a toaster and make it dance to, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[24:09] Your love lifted me higher.

Dan McCoy

[24:12] I was trying to think of the Jackie Wills.

[24:14] In Ghostbusters 2.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] Ghostbusters.

[24:17] Ghostbusters.

[24:17] Now, you may think they need a Ghostbuster in this movie.

[24:20] And Cole is the man to bust that ghost because he ain't afraid of no ghost.

[24:23] And clearly, Bustin makes him feel good.

[24:25] Nothing else does.

[24:25] He's a real sad sack.

[24:27] Yeah.

[24:27] Unfortunately.

[24:28] He likes to play pool or snooker.

[24:30] They're also called snooker, yeah.

[24:33] A word that always makes me think of Gonzo for some reason.

[24:35] Okay.

[24:37] So Cole is there.

[24:38] She's freaked out.

[24:39] He's like, can I stay over?

[24:40] He sleeps over.

[24:42] And while he's sleeping.

[24:42] He's like, oh, cool doll.

[24:44] Cool doll, what's this crap?

[24:45] She's like, that's Brahms.

[24:46] He's like, whatever, babe.

[24:48] Oh, bobobobo.

[24:49] And so while he's sleeping, blood drips down on him.

[24:51] He looks up, it says, get out in blood above him.

[24:54] And he's like, Greta, did you do this?

[24:56] Malcolm, to keep an eye on the situation, has been sleeping in his car outside.

[24:59] Or did you do it?

[25:01] That's pretty normal.

[25:01] What's going on?

[25:01] And Greta's like, Brahms did it.

[25:03] And he's like, don't tell me this doll did it.

[25:05] This stupid doll.

[25:06] And he takes the doll and he smashes it.

[25:08] Uh-oh.

[25:09] Suddenly the walls.

[25:10] Brahms is not going to like that.

[25:11] No, Brahms is not going to like it.

[25:12] It explodes like it's in Scanners.

[25:14] Mm-hmm.

[25:14] If the guy in Scanners had smashed the other guy's head against a chair.

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:20] Brahms, suddenly they're shaking all over the walls.

[25:22] And you think, oh, they're just doing the stuff from the original The Haunted.

[25:26] Or The Haunting.

[25:27] Mm-hmm.

[25:27] Nope.

[25:28] Here's the big twist.

[25:30] Spoiler alert.

[25:30] Twist the boy.

[25:31] In this movie.

[25:32] If you don't want to know the twist ending of The Boy, turn this podcast off right now.

[25:36] Mm-hmm.

[25:36] And then do anything else.

[25:38] Yeah.

[25:38] Because no one else will ever talk about the movie The Boy.

[25:41] Mm-hmm.

[25:41] You are safe from spoilers.

[25:44] Unless you type in The Boy spoilers.

[25:47] 2016.

[25:48] 2016.

[25:49] Because you might get spoilers for The Boy 2015, in which case it doesn't affect you.

[25:53] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[25:53] Big twist.

[25:54] M. Night Shyamalan and Rod Serling.

[25:56] Stop making out and start listening.

[25:58] Prick up your ears.

[25:59] Because you know that new twist you've been looking for?

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] Listen to this holds up phone.

Stuart Wellington

[26:04] It turns out.

[26:05] It's your cousin, B. Night Shyamalan.

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] There's 26 of us.

[26:11] 26 Night Shyamalans from A to Z.

Dan McCoy

[26:14] It's your cousin, Joe Henry.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] That's O. Henry's cousin.

[26:20] Oh, okay.

S4

[26:22] You know that gift you've been looking for for your magi?

Elliott Kalan

[26:25] Well, read this, because there's no audio recording technology yet.

[26:29] Yeah.

[26:29] Although I guess actually, like, the gramophone had been invented at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[26:33] Check out this wax cylinder, idiot.

[26:36] Moron.

[26:36] They have a weird relationship.

[26:38] Joe Henry and O. Henry.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] Yeah.

[26:40] I mean, Joe Henry was always pretty mad that the candy bar he invented was named after his

[26:44] more famous cousin, O.

[26:46] And O. Henry was mad that his book, The Story of O, didn't have a twist ending.

[26:50] It was just his real life sexual exploits.

[26:52] He couldn't think of a twist for it.

[26:58] What's that book?

[26:58] Isn't it a James Thurber book where the letter O?

[27:00] The Story of O?

[27:01] No.

[27:01] It's not.

[27:02] No.

Stuart Wellington

[27:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:03] The drawings James Thurber did for The Story of O are very disturbing.

[27:07] Just these lumpy, bald men and women becoming sex slaves to each other.

[27:12] Yeah.

[27:12] And there's a dog in there for some reason.

[27:14] Anyway.

[27:15] There's a seal.

[27:16] So the wall starts shaking.

[27:17] The whole place.

[27:18] The roof starts quaking.

[27:19] My mind was aching.

[27:20] Your brain starts shaking just like in that Size Noodle song.

[27:24] And suddenly you think there's a ghost that's about to tear the house down.

[27:28] No.

[27:28] Wrong.

[27:29] Something bursts through the wall.

[27:32] It's Brahms.

[27:33] What?

[27:34] He's a ghost?

[27:34] He didn't die in the fire.

[27:35] He's not a ghost.

[27:37] He is a grown man wearing a little ceramic boy face mask over a very full beard, which is

[27:43] a really cool, creepy effect.

[27:44] Yeah.

[27:45] Who has been living in the walls of this house for decades, being fed and taken care of by

[27:50] his parents.

[27:51] And they left finally because they couldn't bear to take care of this monster anymore.

[27:55] And they tricked this girl into showing up to be like a sacrifice to Brahms, saying like,

[28:00] here, you can have her.

[28:01] We're going to leave now and kill ourselves.

[28:03] Out of guilt, shame, horror, trauma?

[28:06] Maybe they just like swimming with rocks.

Stuart Wellington

[28:09] Yeah.

[28:10] Just like that Kevin Spacey movie, Swimming with Rocks.

[28:12] About how.

[28:12] They just like swimming with rocks.

[28:14] They're like, see you later.

[28:15] We're going to go find Dory today.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Brahms chases them around the house.

[28:21] And this is where the movie, after having what I thought was a pretty neat twist.

[28:25] To be honest, I didn't see that twist coming.

[28:27] That Brahms was still alive in the house and was just kind of like a crazy murder man.

[28:31] But here's the problem.

[28:32] But here's the problem.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] Is that when he's not supernatural, he's just a greasy guy with a mask on.

[28:37] And they are constantly hitting him in the head and kicking him in the face.

[28:40] And he falls down and they run away.

[28:42] He catches up to them.

[28:43] They kick him in the head again and he falls down.

[28:45] He falls down as...

Dan McCoy

[28:45] He falls down as easily as someone who has been living in a wall for all of his life would fall down.

Stuart Wellington

[28:51] He doesn't get enough vitamin D.

[28:52] Yeah.

[28:53] That's the right one, right?

[28:54] For Dan.

[28:55] Yeah.

[28:55] That's what you get from the sun.

[28:57] If they had made a point of being like the delivery guy had some kind of a physical ailment.

[29:05] Yeah, I can see that.

[29:05] Like maybe he had polio.

[29:07] Maybe he's got a limp.

[29:08] I mean polio has essentially been eradicated.

[29:10] But yeah, what if he had it?

[29:12] Wouldn't that be an interesting twist?

[29:14] I mean he would be like 70 years old.

[29:16] Yeah, so that guy would have a tough time defeating Brahms.

[29:19] And also winning over this young woman from the States.

[29:23] It would be like a real...

[29:25] It would take a lot of bubblegum for today.

[29:26] Mr. Rochester.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] Mr. Rochester was a handsome young man.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] Just because he had a crazy wife in the act doesn't mean he wasn't a catch.

[29:35] Spoiler alert.

[29:36] Which is actually kind of crazy wife is not that different from Brahms.

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] I guess so.

[29:40] And also I know by saying crazy wife I'm looking at through the lens of a white imperialist colonialist.

[29:46] From her point of view, she's just trying to get back home.

[29:50] Thanks for checking your privilege, Elliot.

[29:51] I appreciate it.

[29:52] How is your privilege?

[29:53] Oh, it's very nice.

[29:54] Thank you.

[29:54] Or did you mean Rochester Jack Benny's assistant on the Jack Benny show?

[30:00] I was wondering.

[30:01] Because he's also a catch.

[30:02] He was in movies, TV, the radio.

[30:05] Like a 40, 50 year career.

[30:07] Anyway.

[30:07] Very successful.

[30:08] Brahms chases after them.

[30:10] They find his evidence basement.

Stuart Wellington

[30:12] He kills Cole.

[30:13] He kills Cole.

[30:14] He kills the first person you should kill in any kind of a situation.

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] I mean at this point Brahms is the hero of the film.

[30:19] Yeah.

[30:19] He has been a great manager.

[30:22] Yeah.

[30:22] He got Greta to do the job he needed her to do just through like a little spooky stuff.

[30:26] Not through yelling at her.

[30:28] Not through docking her pay.

[30:30] Yeah, yeah.

[30:30] Just kind of like psychological management.

[30:31] Yeah.

[30:31] Like that's good management.

Stuart Wellington

[30:32] A little bit of negative reinforcement, but a ton of positive reinforcement.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] Yeah, that's true.

[30:36] She got a little bit of, hey, you're not doing the job.

[30:39] I'm going to call you and I'm going to talk to you in a baby voice over the phone.

[30:41] Yeah.

[30:42] You're doing the job.

Stuart Wellington

[30:44] Hey, college basketball's Bobby Knight.

[30:46] Take a lesson out of Brahms' book.

[30:48] Your players aren't behaving well.

[30:50] Give them a little PB&J sandwich.

Elliott Kalan

[30:52] Sneak around in the walls a little bit.

[30:54] Don't throw a chair at them.

[30:55] Give them a sandwich.

[30:56] Go to the walls and wait for them to do the job of playing B-ball.

[31:01] Which could also mean baseball, but it doesn't.

[31:03] It always means basketball.

[31:05] People say Base B when they mean baseball.

[31:07] You tell the difference.

[31:09] Brahms chases them around for a while.

Stuart Wellington

[31:10] Yeah, when I say, I want to watch that Tom Selleck movie, Mr. Base B.

[31:15] You're like, wait, is he like an English gentleman?

[31:17] You're like, no, he is a Base B player.

[31:19] Like the opposite.

Elliott Kalan

[31:20] He is an American lout who is having trouble with all these Japanese social customs.

[31:24] It's the story of Base B Berkeley.

[31:26] Mm-hmm.

[31:26] Yeah, the greatest choreographer in Hollywood history.

[31:29] So, Greta escapes, but Malcolm gets beat up.

[31:33] Greta goes back with a screwdriver, and she tricks Brahms.

[31:37] He's about to attack her, and she goes, Brahms, it's bedtime.

[31:40] I said it's time for bed.

[31:41] And he gets into bed, and she is forced to give him his goodnight kiss on his mask.

[31:45] And he's all about it.

[31:46] He is grabbing her too much, and she stabs him with a screwdriver, and eventually kills

[31:51] him after almost getting killed by him.

[31:53] Yep.

[31:53] And she and Malcolm, who's still alive, escape.

[31:56] Mm-hmm.

[31:57] And last we see is Brahms repairing his doll.

[32:00] He survived, and the doll has survived.

[32:02] We see somebody repairing the doll.

[32:04] Yeah, maybe it's Cole.

[32:05] It could be Cole, yeah.

[32:05] Or maybe it's the actual, maybe it's the ghost who was living in the house the whole time,

[32:10] but felt like he couldn't show himself because Brahms was sucking up all the oxygen with his

[32:13] antics.

[32:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:16] That's probably it.

[32:18] So that's the story of The Boy.

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] Let's hear it for The Boy.

[32:22] Story.

[32:23] Yeah, I got a lot of stuff to talk about.

[32:25] So when I thought I was about to watch a movie with a doll man in it, I'm like, where's

[32:29] Brick Bardo?

[32:30] Where are the demonic toys?

[32:32] Yeah.

[32:32] Where's the demonic toys?

[32:33] Where are the creations of mad inventor Andre Toulon?

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] Now, Stuart, you really wanted to watch this movie.

[32:39] What were your expectations, and were those expectations met, exceeded, or disappointed?

Stuart Wellington

[32:44] So I wanted to watch this movie, and to be honest, I kind of knew the twist already.

[32:52] What?

[32:52] I think somebody had spoiled it on some social media.

[32:56] There's no point in watching this movie.

[32:57] That's why we ruined it for all these people.

[32:59] Because I thought it would be a fun, stupid movie to talk about and watch with you guys,

[33:02] because you're my best friends.

[33:04] That's very sweet.

[33:05] But as far as meeting my expectations, my expectations were met.

[33:10] I was not expecting a second act that was a lot of our Greta carrying around Brahms and

[33:19] treating him like a little baby boy.

[33:20] That was great.

[33:22] I loved that.

[33:24] And I wish that they had made Brahms scarier at the end.

[33:27] He was really interesting to look at, but I would expect him to have weapons.

[33:32] You know, if you have a masked, crazy, strong guy, you expect them to have a menagerie of

[33:37] killing implements.

Dan McCoy

[33:38] You should have boy-themed weapons, like a really big rattle.

Elliott Kalan

[33:42] Yeah, boys carry rattles around.

[33:45] Or a lolly.

[33:46] You're not a parent, are you?

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] A lolly that he stuffs down people's throats.

[33:50] Yep.

[33:50] He puts a propeller beanie on his head, and he cuts people up like it's a lawnmower blade.

Elliott Kalan

[33:54] It's more like it's a toy truck that has, maybe it's like a toy digger or a crane or

[34:00] something, and it's got spikes on it so he can stab people with it.

[34:03] Or just a giant digger thing.

[34:06] Yeah, or it's a real truck.

[34:08] I found, it was one of those things where I thought the twist when it first was shown

[34:13] was a pretty good twist.

[34:15] I was like, I didn't see that coming.

[34:16] And you know what?

[34:16] That's a neat twist, and it explains everything, I guess.

[34:20] I still don't know.

[34:20] I guess they had two phone lines in the house.

[34:22] That's the only thing that kind of bugged me.

[34:24] But then once it was revealed, it was like, oh, it's going to be a lot easier for them

[34:28] to escape this than it would be to escape a ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[34:30] Yeah, as far as the twist goes, there was a previous Stuart Flophouse movie recommendation

[34:35] that I'm not going to mention, because I don't want to ruin the twist of that movie you should

[34:39] watch.

[34:40] Over.

[34:40] But that movie managed to introduce the twist and then continue making it interesting and

[34:47] scary, despite the fact that the big twist has been revealed.

[34:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:52] I would say that compared to The Devil Inside, it was not a particularly good movie, but much

[34:59] better.

[34:59] I think we're in it.

Dan McCoy

[35:01] We should go to Final Judgments.

[35:02] Oh, sure.

[35:02] Okay.

[35:03] Final Judgments.

[35:04] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[35:10] What were you saying, Elliot?

[35:11] You can continue.

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] I'm going to put this a probationary movie I kind of liked.

[35:16] Yeah.

[35:16] In that it wasn't good, bad, and it wasn't bad, bad.

[35:18] It was like, I wish it was good enough that I wished it was better than it was.

[35:22] Yeah.

[35:23] There's a couple of good jump scares in it.

[35:25] It gets really slow and dull in the second act.

[35:28] But that's the stuff I liked when she's caring for the boy.

[35:30] Oh, I love that stuff.

[35:31] I just wish it was more interesting than it was.

[35:33] And it's just kind of like a blah, mediocre movie.

Stuart Wellington

[35:37] Maybe if they played up more her motherhood issues stemming from her miscarriage or something.

[35:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] I wish the movie had, for a movie that should be super creepy, it was not as creepy as it

Dan McCoy

[35:49] could be.

[35:49] I kind of liked it, too.

[35:50] It was an hour 40.

[35:52] It probably should have been an hour 20.

[35:54] It was an 80-minute movie.

[35:56] I would have liked it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[35:58] Yeah, me too.

[35:59] 80-minute movies are the best.

Elliott Kalan

[36:00] Yeah.

[36:01] Make it 20 minutes.

[36:02] 20-minute movie.

Stuart Wellington

[36:03] Make it sitcom.

[36:04] Come on, Peter Jackson.

[36:05] Give me a 20-minute movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] But it wasn't, I wouldn't recommend it, but I wouldn't be like, what a piece of garbage.

[36:12] It was better than I thought it was going to be, considering it is about, I thought it

[36:17] was going to be about a ghost doll.

[36:19] The way of the samurai.

[36:20] And frankly, it would have been a better movie if there was no supernatural stuff in it.

[36:24] If it was like...

[36:25] I mean, there wasn't any supernatural stuff in it.

[36:27] But I mean no out-of-the-ordinary fantastic elements like a man living inside the walls

[36:32] of the house.

[36:32] If it was just, these people have hired her to take care of this doll as if it's a child,

[36:37] they don't leave.

[36:38] They stick around.

[36:40] And she finds herself slowly falling under the same psychosis there under where this doll

[36:45] is becoming real to her because she's play-acting that it's real so much.

[36:48] Like, that would be a creepy movie to me.

Stuart Wellington

[36:50] Yeah, well, I mean, it's like in House of the Devil how the first two acts are super-duper

[36:55] creepy because it's just a woman walking around a creepy old house.

Elliott Kalan

[36:59] Yeah, and the first time you see that shadow move under that door and you know there's someone

[37:03] else in the house, that's one of the scariest moments of any movie, I think.

[37:06] But it's like, I would have rather...

[37:08] And then like, she and the parents would get into a fight over who gets to have this child

[37:11] because she feels like the mother of the child.

[37:14] And okay, that's the movie I'm going to do.

[37:16] I'm going to call it The Boy because there's already like a dozen movies called The Boy,

[37:19] so that title is up for grabs.

[37:20] Yeah, yeah.

[37:22] You're called The Boy, The Next Generation.

[37:26] I mean, that title's up for grabs.

[37:28] And he's on the Enterprise with Jean-Luc.

[37:31] Not Jean-Luc Picard.

[37:32] Jean-Luc, the waiter from the tea commercial.

[37:34] Oh, sure.

[37:35] Jean-Luc.

[37:35] Or was it a coffee commercial?

Stuart Wellington

[37:37] I don't know, man.

[37:38] But the thing is, Jean-Luc is still going to say, make it so, right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] Oh, of course.

[37:42] But he's talking about actual sewing.

[37:44] He's talking about a sewing machine that's broken and he takes it to the fix-it shop and

[37:47] he goes, make it so.

[37:52] Hey, James.

S4

[37:54] Hey, Ineke.

[37:55] Where are we right now?

[37:56] You're in the minority corner.

[37:57] Haven't you been here before?

[37:59] I think I have.

[38:00] Because you're a woman.

[38:02] And you're a gay man.

[38:03] And we're both black.

[38:07] And now that we're here in the minority corner, what should we talk about?

[38:09] How about race, gender, and sexuality?

[38:13] Ooh, and we can gossip about celebrities.

[38:15] And I can quiz you on pop culture.

[38:16] Ooh, and we can have guests.

[38:18] We're going to learn, laugh, and play.

[38:20] You know, that sounds a lot like Blue's Clues.

[38:23] Only it's more black, gay.

[38:26] And ladylike.

[38:28] Minority corner with a K.

[38:29] Check us out.

[38:30] Because the sea was taken.

Dan McCoy

[38:34] Tonight, our episode is sponsored in part by Blue Apron.

[38:39] The service that helps you cook delicious meals at home.

[38:45] It knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals.

[38:48] So they set the highest quality standards for their artisanal suppliers of ingredients, family-run farms, fisheries, and ranchers.

[38:58] Whether it's Japanese ramen noodles, wild-caught Alaskan salmon, or heirloom tomatoes, Blue Apron is bringing you the best.

[39:05] Less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[39:13] That means they send you the ingredients.

[39:16] Now, you've used this product before, right, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[39:19] I have.

[39:19] Uh-huh.

[39:19] And as a single guy, normally the best option is to just go get some food from the closest place and shovel that shit in your mouth.

[39:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:27] So you don't even taste it.

Stuart Wellington

[39:28] Yeah.

[39:29] Because all it's going to taste like is bitterness.

[39:30] Yeah.

[39:30] You're just so fucking sad.

Elliott Kalan

[39:33] But instead.

[39:34] It's getting too real right now.

[39:35] But instead, Blue Apron, it's called that because you're blue because you're so lonely.

[39:39] Yeah, yeah.

[39:40] Da-da-dee-da-dee-da.

[39:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:42] No, you're right.

[39:44] The usual option is to, like, I don't know, chop up some sausages into some ramen and eat it on top of the stove.

Stuart Wellington

[39:49] Yeah, and by sausages, they are boars-head hot dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[39:52] What you just said is way more work than I ever did as a bachelor to eat anything.

[39:57] This is my bachelor meals.

[39:58] I'm either taking out Chinese food, and my Chinese food is usually fried chicken with rice from the Chinese particular place.

[40:03] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] It's not even a Chinese food.

[40:04] A taste of the Orient.

[40:06] I mean, I'm boiling spaghetti with nothing on it, or I'm eating hot dogs without buns.

[40:13] That's my bachelor life.

[40:14] I mean, I think the sad part of it.

[40:15] If Blue Apron had existed when I was a bachelor, I might not have dropped down to a dangerous weight.

Dan McCoy

[40:20] The sad part is the part where I'm eating above the sink rather than bothering to walk into the next room to have my dinner.

Stuart Wellington

[40:28] That is sad.

[40:30] Why dirty a plate, you know?

[40:31] Yeah.

[40:32] Just put the garbage can between your legs.

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] Just eat above the toilet.

[40:38] But now you don't need to do that because you have Blue Apron, and they portion it out for you.

[40:41] Because I know when I try to cook, the thing I hate is trying to do measurements.

[40:45] I can't eyeball it that well.

[40:46] It says like a pinch of something.

[40:47] I don't know what that means.

[40:48] It drives me crazy.

[40:49] You're like my hand, Sammy's hand, Danielle's hand.

[40:52] What kind of pinch?

[40:53] A stranger.

[40:54] Some kind of crab man monster.

[40:56] But you just take the container and dump it in because they give you the amount you need.

Dan McCoy

[41:01] I'll just give you a sample of some of the meals that are available in June.

[41:06] You got spicy Korean rice cakes with snow peas and pea shoots.

[41:09] That sounds pretty good.

[41:11] Sweet chili ponzu catfish and green beans with coconut ginger rice.

[41:15] And New England style salmon rolls with roasted potatoes and chives.

[41:20] And chives, guys.

[41:21] Chives on top of it.

[41:22] Here's an idea.

Elliott Kalan

[41:23] You say, I don't need someone to cook my food for me.

[41:26] Well, do you know anyone who is expecting a child?

[41:30] They're not going to have time to cook for themselves when that baby is born.

[41:33] So get them some blue apron meals so that they can have half of it taken care of.

[41:38] They don't have to shop.

[41:39] They don't have to measure things out.

[41:40] A friend of ours did that for me, a friend Justin.

[41:42] And it was really helpful.

[41:43] And I appreciate it.

[41:44] I don't think I ever sent him a thank you, but I should have.

Stuart Wellington

[41:45] You just gave him a thank you on the air.

[41:47] Well, that's even better.

[41:48] That's even better than a regular thank you.

Dan McCoy

[41:50] So thank you, Justin.

[41:52] Check out this week's menu and get your two meals free.

[41:55] What?

[41:56] With free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[42:00] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[42:04] Blue apron, a better way to cook.

Stuart Wellington

[42:07] Now, normally I never allow the words slash and flophouse to exist in the same sentence, but that's okay.

Dan McCoy

[42:14] I believe we also have a couple of messages up on the Jumbotron.

Stuart Wellington

[42:18] Oh, Jumbotron, Jumbotron.

[42:21] So I got a message for John Warman.

[42:24] Wow.

[42:25] Awesome.

[42:26] Man of war.

[42:26] Cool it, John.

[42:27] Yeah.

[42:27] Hey, John Warman.

[42:29] It's not his fault that he has the coolest last name in the world.

[42:32] Exactly.

[42:32] I'm a man of peace, all right?

[42:34] Well, you better get out of John Warman's way.

[42:37] And this is a message from Xander Bootell.

[42:41] Another great name.

[42:43] Now, Xander wants to say, happy, happy birthday, John Warman.

[42:49] Note pronounced to the tune of by Menon.

[42:54] So I think I've been doing it right.

[42:56] John Warman.

[42:58] As a birthday gift.

[42:59] That makes me think it's not Warman.

[43:00] It's just like warming something up.

[43:02] Yeah.

[43:04] As a birthday gift.

[43:06] Warm it up, Chris.

[43:06] Yep.

[43:07] You want to work out all these goofs?

[43:11] Jumbotron goofs.

[43:13] Dropping some sweet bits.

[43:15] As a birthday gift, this show, you should be listening to it.

[43:21] It has a guy who lives in Brooklyn and loves beer.

[43:24] A hilarious know-it-all pedant who also lives in Brooklyn.

[43:27] That could be either one of us, too.

[43:28] And a long-suffering pessimist who sometimes hates his friends.

[43:32] Oh, yeah.

[43:34] This show is you.

[43:36] So I guess John Warman is some kind of three-eyed Cerberus monster.

Dan McCoy

[43:41] We're living inside John Warman.

Elliott Kalan

[43:43] It's just like Identity starring John Cusack.

Stuart Wellington

[43:45] Or Herman's Head starring John Cusack.

[43:47] Was that the movie of Herman's Head?

[43:49] Yeah.

[43:50] He can do TV.

[43:51] But he didn't.

Dan McCoy

[43:53] The twist to the boy is the boy being a real person.

[43:57] The twist to this episode of the Flophouse is that we're inside John Warman's brain.

[44:01] Ah, all this time.

[44:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] My wife's going to be surprised.

[44:06] And this is going to be fun to say.

[44:08] Bon anniversary, Zando.

[44:12] That's from Xander Butel.

[44:14] Happy birthday, John Warman.

[44:15] We've got another j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jumbo.

[44:17] Jumbotron.

[44:18] Jumbotron.

[44:19] M-m-m-mess-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s.

[44:21] M-m-m-m-mess-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s.

[44:23] Let's just do mouth sounds.

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m.

[44:30] Okay, this message is for Stan.

[44:34] You know who you are.

[44:35] It's from Alana.

[44:35] The character from the M&M song?

[44:37] Nope.

[44:37] Who is this message for?

[44:38] Well, maybe.

[44:39] Stan.

[44:39] Who is this message from?

[44:41] Alana, Erky, Fufruk, Koff, Mala, and Pimder.

[44:45] Okay.

[44:46] And they say...

[44:46] Sounds like a Motley Crue.

[44:48] It's from Motley Crue.

[44:50] They say, whether we're infiltrating a fantasy high school,

[44:54] fighting a giant guitar-playing robot that transforms into a train,

[44:57] or just getting the shit kicked out of us in an alleyway,

[45:00] your quick wit, funny voices, and storytelling genius are with us all the way.

[45:03] Thanks for being the best DM love can buy.

[45:07] Bazinga.

[45:08] And that's for Stan from Alana, Erky, Fufruk, Koff, Mala, and Pimder.

[45:12] I want to thank you guys for making me say my least favorite word in the universe,

[45:16] and I want to thank Dan for assigning this Jumbotron message to me,

[45:20] because he's the one who knows that I hate that word.

[45:21] The B word.

Dan McCoy

[45:22] As I said, it's called good producing.

[45:25] I'm creating conflict for the purposes of drama.

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] Let's just...

[45:30] I want to go on the record, if I haven't before,

[45:32] that bazinga is my least favorite word.

[45:34] It's not real.

[45:35] It's a dumb catchphrase.

[45:36] It sounds like pasta or something in Italian, right?

[45:38] Who even knows?

[45:40] And I'll never forget the moment it first confronted me

[45:42] when I was walking to work past a New York souvenir shop,

[45:45] and in the window was a T-shirt with a picture of Jim Parsons on it

[45:49] that just said bazinga in big letters underneath.

[45:51] And I was like, am I supposed to know what the fuck that means?

[45:53] If it's on a T-shirt, there's an understanding

[45:55] that I'm going to see someone wearing it on the street

[45:57] and be like, I get it, bazinga, dude.

[45:59] It should be about stupid and whether or not you're with him.

[46:02] Thank you, because that will warn me if the person there with is stupid

[46:04] and I should avoid them.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] Yeah, it should be an indicator whether or not the person you are looking at

[46:09] is a member of a co-ed naked volleyball team.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] I don't know if that guy...

Dan McCoy

[46:12] Or whether they're accredited to inspect female bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[46:15] I don't know if that guy has a beer belly or a fuel tank for a party machine.

[46:19] And his shirt's got to tell me which one is the man and which is the legend.

[46:23] This is what I need to know.

[46:24] T-shirts, help me out.

Stuart Wellington

[46:28] And I like to imagine Dan sweating over a hot keyboard where he's like,

[46:32] well, this message has a reference to role-playing games,

[46:36] so maybe I should give it to Stuart, but it does say bazinga,

[46:39] so I want to totally nail Elliot to the wall.

Elliott Kalan

[46:42] Now, can I plug something real quick before we continue?

[46:45] I have been remiss.

[46:47] Uh-huh.

[46:47] In not plugging as fully as I should on this podcast,

[46:50] my other podcasts are minored to anyone who may not know,

[46:54] which case it's not a reminder, it's just new information,

[46:56] that for Audible, you're sourced for audiobooks.

[46:59] If you're an Audible member, I'm doing a series for them.

[47:02] It's an audio series called Presidents Are People Too

[47:04] with my friend and co-host Alexis Coe,

[47:07] author of the book Alison Frida Forever,

[47:10] and soon to be a major motion picture by the director of The Babadook.

[47:13] And we're doing a show where...

[47:15] That's what she's doing. Awesome.

[47:17] Every episode is about a different president,

[47:20] and we tell you enough about them to make them interesting.

[47:22] We can't cover their whole life in 25 minutes,

[47:24] but we're going to tell you some interesting things,

[47:26] so later on when you hear their name, you're like,

[47:28] I know that that guy called his penis Jerry.

[47:30] Which president called his penis Jerry?

[47:32] You're going to have to listen to find out.

[47:33] So if you're an Audible subscriber, please download

[47:35] Presidents Are People Too, starring me and Alexis.

[47:38] And you guys have some pretty great guests.

[47:40] We've got a lot of great guests, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[47:42] And it's fun to hear you talk about something

[47:44] that you're passionate about as opposed to shitty movies.

[47:47] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[47:50] Before we move on to the next part,

[47:52] I just want to say thanks to John Began,

[47:56] who turned one of our letter songs into a lovely mini-musical,

[48:00] which I'll put on the end of this episode if I remember to do so.

[48:03] Hopefully you will.

Elliott Kalan

[48:04] Hopefully you saying it will be a shame punishment.

[48:07] Yeah, it'll be one of those mnemonic devices.

[48:10] It's like when you're like, if I don't lose 25 pounds by March,

[48:14] cut my head off.

[48:15] That's my New Year's resolution.

Stuart Wellington

[48:17] I start sharpening my kitchen shears.

[48:19] Yep.

[48:20] Unfortunately, I made that resolution.

Dan McCoy

[48:21] Yeah, I eat big food in my kitchen.

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] Thanks, Blue Apron.

[48:26] You eat those giant ribs from the start of Flintstones.

[48:29] Mm-hmm.

[48:30] They hadn't invented shears then.

[48:32] They used a fucking duck with a really sharp beak.

[48:35] And he went, earth and earth and earth.

[48:36] I'm loving.

Dan McCoy

[48:38] I also want to thank you to Edward Ross for the copy of his book Filmish,

[48:44] which he sent in to us.

[48:47] I'll show you guys after the show.

[48:49] It's sort of a series of history essays about film in comic book form.

[48:53] Oh, I'd like to read that.

[48:55] It's like an understanding comics for movies, let's say.

Stuart Wellington

[48:59] That is high praise.

[49:00] I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Dan McCoy

[49:01] If people are interested in learning a little bit more about movies in a comic strip,

[49:06] pick up Filmish, maybe.

[49:08] But before we move on entirely, we should also promote our DC show.

[49:14] DC.

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] District of Columbia.

Dan McCoy

[49:17] Washington, DC.

[49:18] The capital or whatever it's called in Hunger Games.

[49:21] Tickets are going fast for our Washington, DC show.

[49:24] Like hot cakes.

[49:25] Mm-hmm.

[49:26] Like the hottest cakes.

[49:27] Mm-hmm.

[49:27] Imagine a cake.

[49:29] Uh-huh.

[49:29] I got it in my head.

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] It's like a birthday cake.

[49:31] Uh-huh.

[49:32] Now imagine there's candles on it, but the candles are like all burning, like they're all

[49:37] wicker men.

[49:38] Okay.

[49:38] And that cake was dipped in gasoline.

[49:40] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[49:41] That thing's on fire.

[49:42] Yeah.

[49:42] That's the hottest cake possible.

[49:43] Why did we make the cake this way?

[49:45] I don't think it's going to be edible.

[49:46] It's like when you...

[49:47] We don't have time for questions now.

[49:49] We've got to get out of the house.

[49:51] Everything's burning down.

[49:52] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[49:53] No, just leave me behind.

[49:55] Let me die in this cake prison.

Elliott Kalan

[49:57] No.

[49:57] I know you always wanted to die by cake, but still.

Stuart Wellington

[50:00] He was too beautiful to live.

Elliott Kalan

[50:01] Every time you ordered Death by Chocolate on a, like a Bennigan's menu and you didn't die

[50:05] afterwards, you were like, what a disappointment.

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] You saw that glassy look in my eyes when I told the waiter, I'll have the Death by Chocolate.

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] Stu, no, no, you've got so much to live for.

Dan McCoy

[50:15] So, again, buy tickets if you would like to see us in Washington, D.C.

[50:20] They're on sale now.

[50:22] The show is August 5th.

[50:23] August 5th.

Elliott Kalan

[50:24] That's a Friday night.

[50:25] This year.

[50:26] Hey, Friday night.

[50:28] Are there any songs about Friday nights?

[50:29] No.

[50:30] Not a single one.

[50:31] No one's ever done anything.

Dan McCoy

[50:32] Saturday night is all right for fighting.

[50:33] Yeah.

[50:34] And also, S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y.

[50:38] But it's not on a Saturday.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] Friday.

[50:40] Just think of the old, not SNL show that was on Fridays called Friday Night.

[50:45] Friday's.

[50:45] Mm-hmm.

[50:46] That Andy Coffin was thrown off the set of in that one bit.

Dan McCoy

[50:49] Think of the lead character to Futurama.

[50:52] And if you had a day, what that day would be called.

Elliott Kalan

[50:54] Think of Friday, Robinson Crusoe's sidekick in the hit film, His Guy Friday.

[51:04] Which is about, he's on a deserted island that just has a newspaper.

[51:08] And he's got to run this newspaper.

[51:09] Mm-hmm.

[51:10] And they talk like a mile a minute.

[51:12] So we're going to be live in D.C.

[51:14] It's the first time we'll ever be doing a show outside of the New York area.

[51:17] So come watch us be disoriented by how people's accents sound different and they don't have pizza.

[51:22] Yeah.

[51:23] How they put toppings on their hot dog with, I don't know, tongs or something?

[51:26] What?

[51:27] What?

[51:28] I don't get it.

[51:29] And perhaps, should we say we're going to have some special guests, the ghosts of all the former presidents?

[51:35] They're all going to be there.

Stuart Wellington

[51:36] You can't see them or hear them, but they'll be there.

[51:38] And, Plophouse listeners, here's an exclusive.

[51:41] Dan, what movie are we going to watch?

[51:45] Go fuck yourself.

[51:48] We haven't decided.

[51:51] Oh, man.

[51:52] I thought maybe with a little bit of pressure you would have pulled some gold out of your head.

Elliott Kalan

[51:56] Doing a promo spot is like being a defense attorney.

[51:59] You never ask a question you don't know the answer to.

[52:04] Washington, D.C., August 5th.

[52:05] Tickets on sale now and they're going fast, so pick them up.

Dan McCoy

[52:09] Now that we've done our business, it's time to get on to the exciting part.

[52:15] Letters from listeners.

[52:16] Like you.

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] You wrote us some letters.

[52:20] You wrote us a lot of letters.

[52:22] Lotters.

[52:23] Letters and lotters.

[52:24] Lottery letters.

[52:26] Letters for lotto.

[52:27] Let it up, lano.

[52:29] J-Leno, lano.

[52:31] Letters.

[52:32] Lotters.

[52:33] Letters.

[52:34] Loaders.

[52:34] Letters and leaders and loaders and lotters and logs from you.

[52:39] That was maybe the most pre-associative one ever, and that's saying a lot.

Dan McCoy

[52:45] I didn't even understand what was going on in half of it.

[52:48] All right.

[52:49] So this is a handwritten letter.

[52:50] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[52:52] Is it from Brahms?

[52:54] Is it from Brahms' parents?

Dan McCoy

[52:57] It's from David, last name withheld, not Elliot's brother.

[53:00] Thank goodness.

[53:00] He makes it clear.

[53:02] It says, hello, peaches.

[53:03] As a thank you for the many hours of free, he has an asterisk here, I'm a Max Fund donor,

[53:08] but the point still stands.

[53:10] Free entertainment.

[53:12] You've provided me over the years.

[53:13] Thanks for donating to Max Fund.

[53:14] Yeah, thank you very much.

[53:16] I'm sending you the enclosed gifts for Stuart, my favorite Star Wars movie in Marvel Comics

[53:24] form, and a copy of Noelle Stevenson's Pneumonia.

[53:29] Oh, cool.

[53:30] I promise to stop tweeting at you about it now, so let me...

Stuart Wellington

[53:34] Oh, I know David.

[53:35] Okay, cool.

[53:36] I know which David this is.

Dan McCoy

[53:37] Hand out this...

[53:38] Is it my brother?

[53:39] It is not your brother.

[53:40] Okay, good.

[53:40] Oh, that's great.

[53:41] Awesome.

[53:42] And also...

[53:43] Awesome.

[53:45] Fire strikes back.

[53:46] Oh, a little paperback edition.

[53:48] I'm going to enjoy these.

[53:50] For Elliot, the original motion picture soundtrack of Fiddler on the Roof.

[53:54] I know you don't have a record player, so I framed it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:56] Oh, that's very nice.

[53:57] Thank you.

[53:58] Finally, a gift my wife will appreciate.

Dan McCoy

[53:59] And an excellent documentary about the doomed production of Richard Williams' The Thief

[54:06] and the Cobbler.

[54:07] Oh, okay.

[54:07] Thank you very much.

[54:08] That's awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] You know, Elliot might have a record player.

[54:14] And it's the motion picture soundtrack, which is the one my wife is familiar with.

[54:17] I grew up with the Broadway cast album.

[54:19] Yeah, you'd have a record player if you were a rich man.

Stuart Wellington

[54:23] Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[54:26] While your cat's singing it.

Dan McCoy

[54:28] Thank you very much, David.

[54:29] And for me, he got me the vinyl edition of Buttons from Champagne to Chicago, a collection

[54:37] of New Wave and Power Pop songs from lesser-known Illinois bands, and a pretty good documentary

[54:42] about the end of traditional animation at the Disney Studios made by an animator who witnessed

[54:47] it all from the inside.

[54:49] So thank you very much, David.

Stuart Wellington

[54:52] And I got to thank you, David, for not wrapping these up, because we've tried unwrapping gifts

[54:56] on the podcast before, and we are terrible at it.

[54:59] That is true.

[55:01] Thank you, David.

Elliott Kalan

[55:02] This is a very generous gift.

[55:04] Thanks, David.

[55:05] And anyone who sends us gifts, thank you very much.

[55:07] That's very sweet of you.

[55:08] Yeah.

[55:08] There's no need to send us gifts.

Stuart Wellington

[55:10] Even the gift of your time to listen to our show.

[55:13] Yeah, listen to our show.

[55:13] That's...

Elliott Kalan

[55:14] That's the biggest gift of all.

Stuart Wellington

[55:15] Mm-hmm.

[55:16] Is you.

Dan McCoy

[55:16] For the greatest love of all is happening to us.

[55:21] This is probably the most musical episode we've ever had.

[55:23] Not at all.

[55:25] Not by far.

[55:29] So...

[55:29] Continue, Danworth.

[55:30] Going into more normal letters.

[55:33] This is from Carl, last name was held.

[55:35] Junior.

[55:36] I was giggling along to episode 186, Guardians of the Highlands, when an offensive and shocking

[55:41] assertion was made by Elliot Kalin.

[55:43] Yeah, yeah.

[55:43] He falsely claimed...

[55:44] Is it about Local Hero?

[55:45] He falsely claimed that beside the beautiful Leatherman Cave, there's absolutely nothing to

[55:50] see in the great state of Connecticut.

[55:52] I'm certain Elliot did not mean to besmirch the Constitution State, the world's number one

[55:57] producer of constitutions.

[55:58] So I was prepared to let the matter go, but then I realized how much Elliot loves being

[56:02] corrected, so I prepared this short list of must-see places in my former home state.

[56:06] Okay.

[56:07] Number one.

[56:08] How many of them are like hot dog stands?

Stuart Wellington

[56:11] Well, there's going to be a nutmeg field.

[56:12] I got hot dogs on the mind tonight, huh?

[56:14] What's going on with me?

[56:16] You need to go eat a hot dog to get it out of your system.

[56:20] You have like six of them in a row, and then you don't want them for a week, you know?

[56:24] Yeah, but then you want 12.

[56:24] You need to go watch Hot Dog the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[56:26] Yeah, that's one of the six.

[56:27] Go find a dog and heat it up.

[56:31] That sounds terrible.

[56:32] Not good for the dog, that's for sure.

Dan McCoy

[56:35] So here you go.

[56:36] The list of must-see places in Connecticut.

[56:39] Number one.

[56:40] The boyhood home of modernist composer Charles Ives.

[56:43] Not interested.

[56:44] Number two.

[56:45] The Danbury Railway Museum.

[56:47] Alfred Hitchcock filmed several scenes for Strangers on a Train on the station's distinctive

[56:50] curved platform.

[56:52] Okay.

[56:53] Number three.

[56:53] The P.T.

[56:54] Barnum Museum.

[56:56] Number four.

[56:57] The recently reopened Holy Land USA, an 18-acre biblical theme park, as seen on The Daily

[57:02] Show.

[57:03] Number five.

[57:04] The homes of Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe.

[57:07] You can see all of these places and still have time to see the very spot where I lost my

[57:10] virginity.

Elliott Kalan

[57:12] I know you're already planning your trip.

[57:13] You're going to tell us where that is?

[57:14] I assume the Leatherman came.

Dan McCoy

[57:17] As we say in Connecticut, do you know a better way to drive from New York than Boston?

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] That's a very good state motto.

[57:25] Yeah.

[57:25] Good point.

[57:26] Unless you have a hover car.

[57:29] Thank you for correcting me on that.

[57:30] You can also go visit many of my relatives there.

Dan McCoy

[57:34] For some reason, there's a Leatherman joke that's not even that funny that has stuck in

[57:39] my head for years and years and years, which was state mottos.

[57:44] And the state motto he had for Connecticut was, the middle sea is silent.

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] So that's what I think of when I think of Connecticut.

[57:53] That's like, Dan, do you remember when I...

[57:54] You said Leatherman, but I swore you said Leatherman.

[57:58] Yeah.

[57:58] Yeah, David Leatherman.

[58:00] The hobo late night show host.

Elliott Kalan

[58:03] You'd travel from town to town interviewing celebrities.

[58:06] Throwing watermelons off of buildings.

[58:08] That reminded me of, Dan, do you remember when I created a logo for our detective agency?

[58:12] And it was going to be called Mystery Brothers Detective Agency.

[58:16] And the slogan was, we're not really brothers.

Dan McCoy

[58:23] I like to think of a more beautiful world where we have a boy detective agency together.

[58:29] I would love that, yeah.

[58:31] We detect boys.

[58:34] There's one, his name's Brahms.

[58:37] So this next one is from Stan, last name withheld, who writes...

[58:40] Lee.

Stuart Wellington

[58:41] Hello, true believers.

[58:43] Hey, it's me.

[58:44] Eminem wrote a song about me.

Elliott Kalan

[58:47] I've been doing a cameo in your podcast because I created you, maybe?

[58:50] At this point, I forget it.

[58:51] I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[58:53] So this letter goes, I was listening to the fourth top podcast about Def Leppard when host

[58:58] Stu Wellington mentioned he did some joke-em-ups here on your program.

[59:02] And since Tell Def Do Us Party currently has no email, I have to contact this show to vent

[59:09] my displeasure.

[59:10] Or a Twitter account.

[59:14] Stu, Alex was right.

[59:16] How dare you sacrifice Hello America from on through the night?

[59:19] Oh, weird.

[59:19] I gotta go get a beer.

[59:21] It's proto-lep.

[59:22] Wait, you're being addressed here.

Elliott Kalan

[59:24] This is...

[59:25] I don't know anything about this.

Dan McCoy

[59:26] It defined what would be their future sound.

[59:28] Without it, there'd be no sugar to pour on anyone.

[59:31] The heartbreak would never be brought, and that lady over there who's acting pretty cool

[59:34] would always have love available to her, despite always playing the fool.

[59:38] Yep.

[59:38] Frankly, I expected more from a connoisseur of fine music.

[59:41] I'm sure Elliot would agree, and join me in a bawdy rendition of Everything's Alright,

[59:46] I Call Judas.

[59:47] Thank you, Dan, for your time, attention, and MP3 program.

[59:50] Let's get rocked.

[59:51] Stand last name with help.

[59:52] I'm going to go on the record as saying...

Elliott Kalan

[59:53] You're going to be in the hot seat over here.

[59:54] I would side with Stuart in any Def Leppard-related things, because I think I've heard maybe three

[59:58] Def Leppard songs, and most of what I know is from Stuart's podcast, so I have to rely

[1:00:03] on him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:04] And as it is the number five authority on historical Def Leppard information.

[1:00:11] Well, thank you, Stan.

[1:00:13] Those are some interesting but incorrect points.

[1:00:16] And since you can't refute what I'm saying now, I must be right.

[1:00:21] Oh, boom, burn.

[1:00:23] Very, uh...

[1:00:24] I'll bring it up with Alex, but Alex is probably right.

[1:00:28] That's why we call Alex Dr. Def on the program, because he is a doctorate in Def Leppard information.

[1:00:34] Def Leppard studies.

[1:00:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:36] For the last letter of the evening, it's from Alex's last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:41] Uh-oh.

[1:00:42] Stu, I take issue with what you said on our podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:45] Uh, I recently discovered you after I finished a deployment.

[1:00:48] How I wish I had known nine months earlier of your fantastic little show.

[1:00:52] Stuart is my spirit animal, by the way.

[1:00:55] Anyway, I know this isn't a book cast.

[1:00:56] I'm a ghost?

[1:00:57] That's not really what a spirit animal is.

[1:00:59] You're a Brahms.

[1:01:00] Okay.

[1:01:01] I know this isn't a book cast, but I noticed something was missing in a recent book to movie

[1:01:05] adaptation.

[1:01:06] In the book Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand, there's a crazy part where a duck, parentheses, Gaga,

[1:01:14] is violated in a POW camp and then killed.

[1:01:18] Of course, this is the only part of the book I wanted to be in the film.

[1:01:21] Sure.

[1:01:23] And as you can probably guess, it wasn't included in the movie.

[1:01:26] I know Angelina Jolie directed this movie, and I like to imagine her directing some dude

[1:01:30] in a World War II era uniform fucking a stuffed duck.

[1:01:33] Stuffed duck.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:35] Oh, wait.

[1:01:36] A stuffed?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:37] A stuffed duck?

[1:01:38] It's stuffed with something.

[1:01:39] Oh, what is this?

[1:01:40] A Dame Edna show?

[1:01:41] Sure.

[1:01:43] Anyway, are there any scenes in a super serious movie that seem ridiculous and out of place

[1:01:49] to you?

[1:01:50] Keep flopping.

[1:01:51] Alex, last name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:52] Well, I think we'd all point to the bear suit blowjob from The Shining as a major example

[1:01:56] of that.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:00] There's nothing more horrifying than the idea of a bear suit giving a blowjob, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:08] Maybe 30 years ago, but times have changed, Dan.

[1:02:12] That's awfully heteronormative of you.

[1:02:14] Yeah, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:17] How do you know those are male bears?

[1:02:18] Maybe that was a female bear.

[1:02:20] You never know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:21] Well, you couldn't see the bear teats hanging down underneath their udders or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:26] Wow.

[1:02:26] Okay, let's go back to the letter.

[1:02:28] I apologize.

[1:02:29] I shouldn't have brought it up.

[1:02:30] So this is a ridiculous scene in a serious movie?

[1:02:32] Yeah.

[1:02:35] I mean, you see a lot in old movies.

[1:02:37] Every David Lynch movie.

[1:02:38] Yeah.

[1:02:39] But it works for them, usually.

[1:02:41] In a lot of old movies, it'll be a serious movie, but you'll have a slapsticky character

[1:02:45] who's thrown in there, oftentimes a person of color, because they were very racist back

[1:02:50] then.

[1:02:51] But I'm going to keep going with bear suit blowjob, because it's the scene where Shining

[1:02:55] is a scary movie.

[1:02:56] There's a bunch of scary scenes in it.

[1:02:58] And then suddenly this thing happens, and Shelley Duvall is so much more freaked out by it

[1:03:02] than anything else she's seen.

[1:03:03] And it's like, they're doing what works for them, okay?

[1:03:07] Don't judge him.

[1:03:08] It's out of the ordinary, but still.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:10] Maybe she's just really impressed by his technique.

[1:03:13] No, maybe.

[1:03:14] The bear.

[1:03:14] The blowing bear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:14] How does he move in two directions at once?

[1:03:16] I don't understand.

[1:03:17] The other thing is, I never thought of this before, how many people who grew up to be

[1:03:21] furries had their first awakening while watching The Shining?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:24] Does it hold a special place in their hearts?

[1:03:26] Yeah, it's probably maybe 1% The Shining, 99% Disney's Robin Hood.

[1:03:31] Yeah.

[1:03:32] That makes sense.

[1:03:34] Like a little bit gizmo?

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:36] Yeah, a little bit gizmo, a little bit rock and roll.

[1:03:40] You guys, can you think of anything?

[1:03:42] Not really.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:44] Which is my, this is an incident of me being a bad producer.

[1:03:47] Which is, there was a question asked, and I could have thought about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] Never ask a question you don't know the answer to.

[1:03:53] Yeah, you could have prepped it.

[1:03:54] Well, think about it.

[1:03:55] Write your answers into flophouse at theflophousegmail.com, sir.

[1:04:00] Yeah.

[1:04:00] Well, what's the email address?

[1:04:02] It's theflophousepodcast.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:05] Sorry, theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] What's a goofy scene in a serious movie, or what's a scene in a book that wasn't in the

[1:04:12] movie version that you wish was in there?

[1:04:13] And go to theflophousepodcast at gmail.com?

[1:04:17] That's correct.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] For your answers.

[1:04:20] I know I have answers to this question, but they can't come to my tongue.

[1:04:23] They are blocked by my stupid brain.

[1:04:25] Then let's talk about something we do know what we want to talk about, and that's our

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:28] recommendations.

[1:04:29] Oh, fucking A.

[1:04:31] I forgot to watch a movie.

[1:04:34] Dan, do you have anything to recommend?

[1:04:35] I got a couple things to recommend.

[1:04:37] Oh, boy.

[1:04:38] Strap him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:38] One of them can be mine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:41] Just go, yeah, me too.

[1:04:42] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:04:43] That's what I was going to say.

[1:04:44] You stole mine?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:45] We're going to do a double shot of Noah Baumbach here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:48] What if I don't recommend those?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:52] I really liked Mistress America, which I caught on cable recently.

[1:04:57] It's got Greta Gerwig, who collaborated with Noah Baumbach on Francis Ha, which I liked quite

[1:05:03] a lot.

[1:05:04] I think Francis Ha is probably still a little bit better than Mistress America.

[1:05:07] Francis Ha, I think, might be my favorite Noah Baumbach movie, which is not saying that

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:11] much.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:12] I like him quite a lot.

[1:05:13] I like some of his stuff.

[1:05:14] He can be irritating.

[1:05:16] But this movie, I think, is very entertaining.

[1:05:21] It's about a...

[1:05:23] We all know that kind of person who sort of constructs their life.

[1:05:27] You know, like they construct a persona.

[1:05:29] And Greta Gerwig's character...

[1:05:31] Yeah, like a sociopath.

[1:05:33] Is sort of this, you know, she bon vivant, like jack of all trades, like master of absolutely

[1:05:43] nothing, who is living in New York and lives this, you know, like gad about bohemian lifestyle

[1:05:51] and pretends to be a lot more together than she is where she's sort of secretly falling apart

[1:05:57] inside and she befriends sort of the lead character of the movie because their parents are going

[1:06:04] to get married and they're going to be sisters.

[1:06:06] And the lead character starts writing a story about her.

[1:06:10] And it's a question of like, you know, artistic betrayal.

[1:06:17] Like, is it a betrayal for her to write this story about someone that she knows in real life

[1:06:23] and is putting a very honest eye on this character?

[1:06:27] Or is that the way all art works?

[1:06:30] And it has a second act that is a long scene where they go on a trip to try and get some

[1:06:39] money out of a friend of Greta Gerwig's so that Greta Gerwig can open a restaurant.

[1:06:46] And the scene plays out like a slow motion farce with characters being added all the time to

[1:06:54] this one house and entering and exiting rooms.

[1:06:58] And it's very funny in a way that I think is a little different for Noah Baumbach.

[1:07:03] It feels like a really like funny stage play for the second act of the movie.

[1:07:09] But also I want to recommend Noah Baumbach's documentary, De Palma, which I saw at the Angelica

[1:07:16] Film Center.

[1:07:16] The the ratlinist from the subway movie theater there is.

[1:07:22] I haven't seen anything there in a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:23] Yeah, that's where I saw Snowpiercer is great.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:26] But it's a fun movie.

[1:07:30] It's a trip through all of De Palma's movies, front to back, basically just Brian De Palma

[1:07:38] talking about his movies and then us seeing clips from them.

[1:07:43] And the thing is, like, in form, it's pretty boring.

[1:07:47] In form, it's basically just a glorified DVD extra.

[1:07:52] But it's a really good DVD extra.

[1:07:56] And I know people have mixed feelings about De Palma.

[1:08:00] Like, I don't like all of his stuff.

[1:08:02] But and he's kind of hard to defend sometimes.

[1:08:05] But there's something about his willful perversity and, like, combined with great technical mastery

[1:08:12] that I respond to.

[1:08:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:15] So.

[1:08:16] And he doesn't mind lingering on the.

[1:08:19] Wait, Noah Baumbach or Brian De Palma?

[1:08:21] Brian De Palma.

[1:08:22] He doesn't mind lingering on the female form.

[1:08:24] Yeah.

[1:08:25] Well, that's one of the.

[1:08:25] That's one of the things that people.

[1:08:27] Like you fact checked it right in the middle of that.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:28] I was just making sure.

[1:08:30] That's one of the things people criticize him for.

[1:08:33] He is a.

[1:08:34] He is the male gaziest of male gaze directors.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:38] That's for sure.

[1:08:39] Well, he's Hitchcock.

[1:08:40] Yeah.

[1:08:40] He wants to be Hitchcock.

[1:08:41] And Hitchcock was all about objectifying women in many ways.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:45] And De Palma can do it with nudity.

[1:08:48] But if you want.

[1:08:48] Yeah.

[1:08:49] If you want a jacked up campy version of Hitchcock, then Brian De Palma is for you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:54] The documentary?

[1:08:56] Or just his movies?

[1:08:57] Just his movies.

[1:08:58] So you recommended a lot of movies right there.

[1:08:59] Because he's had a very varied film career.

[1:09:01] That's right.

[1:09:01] I recommended the varied.

[1:09:04] You recommended Snake Eyes.

[1:09:06] Hugely up and down.

[1:09:07] You recommended Snake Eyes.

[1:09:08] There's good stuff in Snake Eyes.

[1:09:10] Not too much.

[1:09:12] I'll recommend my movie.

[1:09:13] I'll try to do it quick.

[1:09:14] I'm going to recommend.

[1:09:15] Hey, it's an old Japanese movie.

[1:09:16] What a surprise.

[1:09:17] Oh, weird.

[1:09:17] Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

[1:09:19] I'm recommending it.

[1:09:20] I'm not.

[1:09:21] I'm going to recommend a movie called The Face of Another, which maybe you guys have heard of.

[1:09:26] It's directed by Hiroshi Teshigara, who's best known for Woman in the Dunes.

[1:09:31] And it stars Tetsuya Nakadei, one of the greats of Japanese film.

[1:09:35] He was the emperor in Ron.

[1:09:38] He's in a ton of different Japanese movies.

[1:09:40] He's the star of one of my favorite Japanese movies, Kill.

[1:09:43] But in this, he plays a man who, it's from the mid-60s.

[1:09:46] He plays a man who, before the movie has started, has had his face horribly burned in an industrial accident.

[1:09:51] And this very morally dubious but kind of intellectually curious surgeon who specializes in prosthetic limbs that are meant to help cure mental conditions.

[1:10:03] He says, I'm going to make you the most lifelike face, but it's not going to look like your face.

[1:10:07] And you just have to watch out because this face is going to turn you into a different person.

[1:10:12] And you're going to have to...

[1:10:12] Like Spawn.

[1:10:13] Kind of, yeah.

[1:10:14] And I want you to tell me everything that happens because I want to see how your personality changes under this.

[1:10:19] And he starts to construct another life for himself where he wears this false face.

[1:10:24] And the movie is kind of in a way about how difficult it is to escape the person that you are.

[1:10:30] And what kind of consequences it can have when you try to and can't quite accomplish it.

[1:10:37] It's super creepy and tense.

[1:10:39] It's a weird movie.

[1:10:40] But it's really good.

[1:10:42] And it's called The Face of Another.

[1:10:44] That sounds great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:46] So, yeah.

[1:10:48] I totally just didn't realize I hadn't had a movie to recommend until just now.

[1:10:54] But I...

[1:10:55] A couple days ago, the actor Anton Yelchin died, which was a terrible, crazy accident.

[1:11:03] And he's an actor who I've really admired in a couple of movies, most recently Green Room.

[1:11:08] And also...

[1:11:09] I didn't realize that he died.

[1:11:10] That's terrible.

[1:11:11] And also the Fright Night remake, which was recommended by Dan on an earlier episode.

[1:11:16] So tonight, I'm going to recommend a movie without Anton Yelchin.

[1:11:20] The original Fright Night.

[1:11:22] Ha ha ha.

[1:11:23] With Chris Sarandon as the sexiest vampire in the universe.

[1:11:29] And it is very similar to the remake.

[1:11:33] But it also...

[1:11:35] It is...

[1:11:37] I don't know.

[1:11:37] It manages to capture the kind of like the late night horror movie aesthetic of the 80s while also being kind of sexy.

[1:11:48] Even though it's got...

[1:11:50] You know, they make...

[1:11:51] They have Marcy from Married with Children as the like sexy mom character.

[1:11:58] And it totally works.

[1:12:01] And...

[1:12:02] We got Roddy McDowell in that movie.

[1:12:04] And Roddy McDowell is amazing.

[1:12:06] It's a really great movie.

[1:12:08] It's...

[1:12:09] I think I came to...

[1:12:10] Did you mention Chris Sarandon?

[1:12:11] I did, yeah.

[1:12:12] Okay.

[1:12:12] Right up at the top.

[1:12:13] He's amazing.

[1:12:13] Yeah.

[1:12:14] I would let him drink all of my blood.

[1:12:17] He can have my sweet young blood.

[1:12:20] And then bury me in the backyard.

[1:12:23] And so Fright Night.

[1:12:25] Watch the remake.

[1:12:26] And then watch the original.

[1:12:27] Because they're both really great.

[1:12:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:30] Write a paper comparing and contrasting them.

[1:12:32] And send it to us.

[1:12:34] Yep.

[1:12:35] Send it to us.

[1:12:36] L.A. will read it.

[1:12:37] Because he's got a ton of free time.

[1:12:38] I've got nothing but free time.

[1:12:40] Yeah.

[1:12:40] We'll grade it.

[1:12:40] Why not?

[1:12:41] You know, if you want validation from someone, you will not get course credit for it.

[1:12:46] You will...

[1:12:46] Because this is not a course.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:47] And we'll send it back to you and you'll be like, oh man, Stuart was tough but fair.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:51] Yeah.

[1:12:52] You know what?

[1:12:52] This...

[1:12:53] I was hoping he'd be more lenient, but I didn't deserve for him to be more lenient.

[1:12:56] Yeah, that's the thing.

[1:12:56] I can't really find fault with these, even though I'm upset about them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:00] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:00] And I kind of get off on being yelled at.

[1:13:03] So this is really getting me going.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:05] Yeah.

[1:13:06] I mean, it's really...

[1:13:06] We're really trying to lure you into a school role play here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:10] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:10] Yep.

[1:13:10] It's...

[1:13:11] This is one of the Persona series.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:14] That's a JRPG, Dan.

[1:13:16] JRPG?

[1:13:17] Yep.

[1:13:17] Japanese role play.

[1:13:18] Junior...

[1:13:18] Nope.

[1:13:19] Junior bacon cheeseburger.

[1:13:24] All right.

[1:13:25] Well, guys, this has been fun.

[1:13:27] We've had a few laughs.

[1:13:28] Yeah.

[1:13:29] We've had a few.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:30] So before we totally wrap this up, I just want to say, guys, my bar finally fucking opened.

[1:13:35] Yay!

[1:13:37] My bar...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:38] By the time you hear this...

[1:13:39] Hinterlands.

[1:13:41] My friends.

[1:13:41] We all do this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:44] So my bar, Hinterlands, is...

[1:13:47] What's the address?

[1:13:48] It's 739 Church Avenue in Brooklyn.

[1:13:50] 739 Church Avenue.

[1:13:51] Brooklyn.

[1:13:52] New York.

[1:13:53] By the time this episode airs, we'll have just had our grand opening.

[1:13:58] But please come down and visit.

[1:14:00] I'm going to be there a lot, but I don't know exactly when my regular days are going to be.

[1:14:04] And I got to say that...

[1:14:06] I got to say thanks for the podcast, guys, because it really helped me get through kind

[1:14:10] of a pretty difficult two-year process.

[1:14:12] That was a rough process, and it took a long time.

[1:14:14] Yeah, it was really difficult.

[1:14:16] But yeah, so it's open finally, and we, the neighborhood's really coming, is really supportive,

[1:14:24] and our friends are all super supportive, and I'm pretty happy with how it's turned out

[1:14:28] so far.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:29] And you know what?

[1:14:29] I think I speak for Dan when I say, we're proud of you.

[1:14:32] Aw, thanks, man.

[1:14:33] Don't speak for me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:34] So hopefully Elliot will come down, and we're going to get fucking twisted.

[1:14:38] Oh, every night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:39] Yeah, yeah.

[1:14:39] That's going to be my new hangout place.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:41] And that's going to be kind of the new role you take.

[1:14:43] Like, you've always been kind of like a troubled writer type, and now you can be more like

[1:14:49] a Charles Belushi type.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:52] That's, I guess, a mix of Charles Bukowski and John Belushi, which is not that different.

[1:14:56] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:56] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:56] Then you become Jim Belushi.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:58] Yeah.

[1:14:59] I've always been kind of like a straightforward, square, family man, middle of the road.

[1:15:04] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:05] You're a classic white bread, cisgender male.

[1:15:08] Yeah.

[1:15:08] You know, whatever.

[1:15:10] But I'm going to start.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:11] A real chicken pot pie of a person.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:13] I love chicken pot pie, and yes, I don't know what that means for sure.

[1:15:16] Fill me with peas and carrot slices and little pearl onions.

[1:15:19] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:20] But I'm going to now.

[1:15:21] Aw, what a name for someone.

[1:15:23] Little Pearl Onion.

[1:15:25] It's like a comedian at a knockoff of Hee Haw.

[1:15:28] Yeah.

[1:15:28] I'm like, lend little pearl onions.

[1:15:32] But now that the bar's open, I'm going to be there every night, drink until it closes

[1:15:36] and beyond.

[1:15:37] My life's going to fall apart.

[1:15:38] My career's going to fall apart.

[1:15:39] My family's going to fall apart until...

[1:15:41] But you're going to look terrific.

[1:15:42] People aren't even going to recognize me, because I'm going to look so great from all

[1:15:45] the drinking and no sleep that I'm doing.

[1:15:47] Gin Blossoms, yes please.

[1:15:49] Yeah.

[1:15:49] Play them.

[1:15:50] Yeah.

[1:15:50] Play all their tracks.

[1:15:51] My favorite band.

[1:15:51] Boily and bloated.

[1:15:52] I can't remember any of their songs, but play it.

[1:15:55] Come on.

[1:15:56] Yep.

[1:15:56] Do I have it till I hear it from you song?

[1:15:58] No, that was someone else.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:59] I think they sing that flagpole sitter song.

[1:16:05] Wait, no.

[1:16:07] That's someone else.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:09] Did they sing that song about how there's no rain?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:12] I'm a stinker tonight, guys.

[1:16:14] They didn't sing any of those songs.

[1:16:15] They didn't do the Friends theme, even though that's what I think of when I think of them.

[1:16:19] So, yeah, write, send all Gin Blossoms song lyrics and titles to at Dank McCoy.

[1:16:26] He loves Dank memes.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:28] At Twitter.

[1:16:28] I don't want them.

[1:16:30] At Dank McCoy.

[1:16:31] At Dank McCoy Twitter.

[1:16:32] Send him some Gin Blossoms stuff.

[1:16:34] You can send me some Dank memes, but don't send me anything about the Gin Blossoms.

[1:16:37] You know what he really wants?

[1:16:38] You know the Minions?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:40] Yeah.

[1:16:40] Do some Minions memes.

[1:16:42] Oh, yeah.

[1:16:42] Minions memes that use lyrics from Gin Blossoms songs.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:46] I just talked about how I eat my dinners in the sink sometimes.

[1:16:50] Yeah, time to take you down a notch.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:53] Oh.

[1:16:54] Too real.

[1:16:55] Back in my life again.

[1:16:56] So, for the Flophouse Podcast, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:17:01] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:17:02] And I'm a doll named Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:05] It's a surprise that Elliot K. lives on the walls.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:07] Good night, everyone.

[1:17:09] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:20] This is going to be a fucking amazing episode.

[1:17:22] So, let's try to keep it taut and tight this time.

[1:17:24] There's not a lot of plot in this movie, so that'll help.

[1:17:26] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:28] Tautness isn't the issue so much as comedy.

[1:17:31] That's what we need, comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:32] Yeah, yeah, but I think let's also...

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:34] Let's not be sleepy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:36] I'll try my best.

[1:17:37] Let's fucking spin it.

[1:17:38] You're already in your pajamas, so you're already failing on part of that account.

[1:17:43] You're not even wearing Waking Day clothes.

[1:17:46] Waking Day?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:47] Yeah.

[1:17:47] Yep.

[1:17:48] The sequel to Waking Day.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:50] It sounds like something from a fantasy novel.

[1:17:52] Today is your Waking Day.

[1:17:54] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:55] Now we determine which battle class you are a member of.

[1:17:59] You will stop wearing the pajamas of you.

[1:18:04] Maximumfund.org slash donate.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:06] Maximumfund.

[1:18:06] Donate, please.

[1:18:07] Dot org.

[1:18:07] Force us donate.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:08] Okay, what's the next part of this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:10] The next part of the podcast is where we take a few moments to answer letters from listeners.

[1:18:16] Oh, man.

[1:18:17] Do you need a...

[1:18:18] Yeah, I'm going to get a little refresher.

[1:18:19] All right.

[1:18:20] Mr. John Hodgman is going to go get another...

[1:18:22] Get another...

John Hodgman

[1:18:23] I just realized I've got to get more than my piece of chicken.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:26] That reminds me while he's getting up that we might want to take a few moments right now.

[1:18:32] Take a few moments, the three or four of us, to listen to the letters.

[1:18:38] To think about them and really give a good reply.

[1:18:43] Maybe something that might change some lives.

[1:18:46] Maybe something that'll get us high fives.

[1:18:49] When we meet the writer of the lettering person.

[1:18:53] In person.

[1:18:57] Are you saying there's a chance that I could meet the flop?

[1:19:00] As probably not.

[1:19:02] Well, Stuart, yes.

[1:19:03] Because he works in a public place.

[1:19:06] He's got the time on his hands.

[1:19:08] We'll be there, too.

[1:19:09] But Ellie, it's kind of a mysterious sort.

[1:19:12] A recluse, they say.

[1:19:14] Back in his lair.

[1:19:15] He hates the sunlight.

[1:19:17] Hates the light of the moonlight.

[1:19:19] Of any kind.

[1:19:21] Natural air.

[1:19:22] The laughter.

[1:19:23] The smiles.

[1:19:24] It strikes him like spikes.

[1:19:26] The light poison.

[1:19:27] Don't expect to meet him.

[1:19:30] Let's do it then.

[1:19:31] Sure, why not?

[1:19:33] And you'll tell him.

[1:19:34] Thanks for reading my letter.

[1:19:37] On the flood house.

[1:19:38] Tonight.

[1:19:40] This letter song is brought to you by me wasting time.

[1:19:43] That's how it works.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:45] That's how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:49] So.

[1:19:50] So, Dan, do we have some letters?

[1:19:52] Or should I sing another song for reals?

[1:19:53] No, I've got it.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:55] So, this first letter.

[1:19:57] Okay, I'm back.

[1:19:59] Hang on, before you read the letter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:03] I just wanted to say.

[1:20:06] What did I miss?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:07] Here's the name of a song from the popular musical Hamilton.

[1:20:11] But it also describes the question I have.

[1:20:14] Because I was in the kitchen when something happened.

[1:20:18] Did someone sing a song?

[1:20:20] I hope I didn't miss a song.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:26] Run song to song.

[1:20:28] It counts.

[1:20:29] The abrupt ending.

[1:20:30] That's it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:32] Did somebody say that they miss a song?

[1:20:35] That was so exciting.

[1:20:36] It seemed they've been awakened from my ancient slumber.

[1:20:40] To sing another number.

[1:20:43] About letters and writing.

[1:20:45] And writing and letters.

[1:20:46] From us to you.

[1:20:47] From you to us.

[1:20:49] From them to them.

[1:20:50] From all to all.

John Hodgman

[1:20:51] But Elliot, do I actually have to write a letter to a stranger?

[1:20:55] I don't want to do it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:56] I have problems with expressing myself.

[1:20:58] That's understandable.

[1:20:59] That's something we might need to work on.

[1:21:02] You're a great guy.

[1:21:04] You should be confident.

[1:21:05] In your abilities.

[1:21:08] But no.

[1:21:08] Because the strangers have written to us.

[1:21:14] They're strangers.

[1:21:15] But there's no dangers.

[1:21:16] Because it's through a letter.

[1:21:20] Unless they figured out some way to kill with words.

[1:21:24] Probably not.

[1:21:27] And so let's read this letter from Chris.

[1:21:30] Last name with L.

[1:21:32] Listen, it's time for why.

[1:21:35] But how?

[1:21:36] We'll get the answers to those questions.

[1:21:39] When the song comes to its end.

[1:21:46] Right now.

John Hodgman

[1:21:50] Maximumfun.org

[1:21:51] Comedy and culture.

[1:21:52] Artist owned.

[1:21:53] Listener supported.

[1:21:54] Hi, I'm Mark.

[1:21:55] And I'm Hal.

[1:21:56] And we're the hosts of We Got This.

[1:21:58] The show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest.

[1:22:02] Every Wednesday we discuss the hot button topics you never knew you cared so much about.

[1:22:07] Like whether you should pick ketchup on a hot dog.

[1:22:09] What's the best Star Wars movie?

[1:22:11] Whether it's better to be too hot or too cold.

[1:22:13] Coke or Pepsi?

[1:22:14] Best Marvel movie?

[1:22:15] Which is the best religion?

[1:22:17] I told you we're not doing that one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:19] So join us every week on MaximumFun.org.

John Hodgman

[1:22:22] And don't worry everyone.

[1:22:24] We got this.

[1:22:25] We got this.

Ep.#207 - The Boy

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