Ep.# 208 - Norm of the North

[0:00] on this episode we discuss norm of the north starring norman reedus and norm mcdonald as

[0:09] norman bates and norm from cheers okay and the norman conquest all right a gnome named norm

[0:30] hey everyone welcome to the flop house i'm dan mccoy hey what's up dudes it's me stewart

[0:51] wellington howdy chaps it's me elliot caylan who didn't bother to go all the way into doing

[0:55] an english accent they said chaps to create more of a character for myself you dipped your toe in

[1:00] there yeah like a kevin costnery thing there uh-huh you're just you're indicating it's sort

[1:06] of that's like you know what i'm just going to give you a little hint and you can do the let

[1:10] your imagination do the rest it's like making a really dry martini but just waving the vermouth

[1:14] bottle over the glass yeah like a magic spell or something that's right yeah the magic spell

[1:20] of creating a martini it's uh in harry potter you would say like prestigio martinis or something

[1:27] like that yeah oh boy harry potter in his later years did have a big drinking problem

[1:35] yeah is that the play that uh just getting rowlings cracking out right now yeah about

[1:39] the older harry potter where he moves in with his other divorced friends who's a muggle it's called

[1:44] the odd couple and he goes he goes it's not spaghetti it's linguine and then harry throws

[1:51] against the wall and says i'm sorry i'll cast a spell of cleanup and he does uh is that references

[1:56] to the odd couple that i don't get or references to harry potter i don't get a little bit of both

[2:01] okay a little from column a the odd couple little from column b the harry potter verse

[2:07] um so dan what do we do on this podcast this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we

[2:12] talk about it and on tonight's uh show oh boy you're already running out of gas oh brother

[2:20] what did we watch this time as if we didn't already announce it earlier before the theme

[2:24] yeah we watched an animated an animated show yeah a real joint animated show

[2:31] a talkie it was called northern the north and boy was it ever called that it was certainly animated

[2:40] and so dan was looking at the screen and it said norm of the north animated children's movie

[2:45] 90 minutes now dan this is a movie you had really wanted you really wanted to watch

[2:50] yeah yeah why uh i mean it was garbage if that helps i feel like we have a good time whenever

[2:58] we watch a bad uh family film oh yeah yeah not soul crushing at all by how good time it usually

[3:06] means go to the edge of madness and just peek in yeah yeah stare over the precipice

[3:12] yeah you know the end of the darkness where sam neill is just sitting in a movie theater

[3:18] watching his own life and laughing maniacally it's like that except my own life does not involve

[3:23] a polar bear who pretends to be a man in a polar bear suit to sell condos in the arctic yeah i look

[3:28] forward to a drunken half sleep tonight where in the shadows of my room i see the leering visage

[3:34] of norm of the north and gooby looking at me and they're kissing and i'm like okay guys my wife's

[3:43] asleep you can do whatever you want yeah right that's cool i mean it's whatever you want yeah

[3:50] i'm not gonna judge people am i pretty mainstream white bread in my sexual tastes yes but that

[3:56] doesn't mean you have to be stewart yeah if you want to be in a threesome with a bear and a gooby

[4:00] that's okay i don't want a threesome like i just want to watch those guys enjoy the goobies also

[4:04] bear right uh he's something he's something all right he's not quite a mop but he's not quite a

[4:11] puppet so the answer question i don't know okay so we watched norm of the north a movie that dan

[4:18] mccoy raves as 90 minutes long it's 88 minutes too unlike the film 88 minutes which was much

[4:25] longer than that yeah uh let's talk about what norm of the north has a pretty simple plot

[4:31] considering we had trouble following it so much uh well it kept the beginning it kept changing the

[4:37] the thrust of the movie every five five minutes or so drastically and then uh so the movie opens

[4:43] with a smash cut a title that's my line dude with uh a title card for splash entertainment

[4:51] the entertainment very clearly written in the font of entertainment weekly

[4:55] so as if they're trying to convince confuse us into thinking this was a magazine we were watching

[4:59] yeah exactly like uh i don't know uh tmz that's a news magazine right uh i mean it's not a physical

[5:08] magazine they're actually just selling big gulps okay yeah yeah they're selling a lifestyle based

[5:16] around big gulps yeah and office buildings uh so snickering yep hey there's a hunger inside you

[5:22] for laughing at somebody else's pain snickering uh i'll give this to the movie norm of the north

[5:28] that we're talking about one the title the company is accurate it's about norman he lives in the north

[5:34] the production logo looked like a professional production logo shortly in that it looked like

[5:38] a magazine it was way better than the food fight production logo which as we mentioned

[5:42] looked like somehow the dvd menu credits like suddenly appeared on screen and also the animation

[5:50] in this while not particularly great was a much higher caliber than the other animated movies

[5:56] we've watched much better than food fight much better than guardian of the highlands better than

[6:01] uh dorothy's return dorothy's return or better than delgo not as good as strange magic that's

[6:08] probably true well george lucas was involved strange magic right i didn't see that when i

[6:12] was only george lucas was not involved in norm of the north the main problem with strange magic was

[6:16] just the weird uh character design that made it all look like i don't know like a hallmark card

[6:22] that you stared at while you had you know lsd or something like because maxine was talking to you

[6:27] being all like a sassy old lady i hate getting older get drunk and kill yourself i'm like oh

[6:34] maxine you're gonna live forever that's my curse please take me sweet embrace of death yep this

[6:41] bag of groceries is my phylactery that my soul resides in i'm so busy smoking with my sunglasses

[6:47] like an old lady version of uncle duke from doonesbury

[6:52] so take that mac that was from the county central roast of a greeting card mascot

[6:59] but anyway uh norm of the north so it starts out we're in the north we're in the arctic circle

[7:04] sure and norm is a polar bearer voiced by rob schneider at his most generic now the comedy

[7:10] genius we've come to expect from the animal and the hot girl or the hot chick not in evidence here

[7:17] dan are you nervous that your cat is making too much noise in the background yeah i'm nervous

[7:21] that the cat is being very audible on the track but that's okay that's okay presents for people

[7:25] too my other series is from audible yeah yeah audible originals presents for people too check

[7:29] it out nice segue uh so norm of the north so normally he lives it so if you hear some what

[7:36] sounds like dan's prisoner is trying to escape from his dungeon it's just his cat trying to

[7:40] escape from his dungeon now norm is a polar bear who has the amazing ability to talk to humans

[7:45] and we learned this in a flashback story he tells a seal that he's trying to catch

[7:49] to eat and as dan said we were watching it it's nice to see an animated movie that acknowledges

[7:54] that animals eat other animals yeah i mean it doesn't acknowledge it to the point of showing

[7:58] us that norm starves when he doesn't catch the seal yeah well actually he does catch the seal

[8:02] but he's too soft-hearted to eat it literally he has stallone's disease it raises the question

[8:07] what he does what does he eat uh i guess we see him eating fish later on and we see him eating a

[8:11] lot of crow because he's wrong about some things oh shit so he explains to the seal that when he

[8:16] was young he discovered he could talk to humans and also he liked to dance a lot which they don't

[8:22] like unlike the penguins and happy feet who live on the south pole and love dancing and get mad

[8:27] when happy feet can't dance uh-huh the polar bears live in the north and they hate dancing it's like

[8:33] okay one of those star truck episodes where they go to a planet where some people have white face

[8:38] on the left and black face on the right and some people have black face on the left and white face

[8:41] on the right and they hate each other and it's an allegory for racism oh that's what that's about i

[8:46] thought it was a reference to the star-bellied sneeches and the sneeches that don't have stars

[8:50] on their bellies which is also kind of about racism that's what that's about what did you

[8:53] think it was about i don't know i thought it was about looking fresh and fly and how trends change

[9:00] i mean it's kind of about that too uh but anyway he can talk to animals which is you know to humans

[9:06] no he talks to humans which are animals they're all like humans all right let's just admit it

[9:10] we're all look we're nothing more than a couple of mammals so let's do it like they do on the

[9:14] discovery channel you know who would snake it up anyway so norman the north his grandfather who is

[9:20] the king of the north can also talk to humans and he says this is a great power you have

[9:24] his grandfather disappears no one knows where he goes to norman the north is friends with an old

[9:30] man seagull played by bill nighy and he's also a scientist who's also a therapist and but nobody

[9:36] believes him when he claims things he's not a science guy he he's a seagull he with glasses

[9:43] as you pointed out where did that seagull get those glasses and as stewart pointed out how

[9:46] does he keep them on he has no ears he just has a fringe of hair like uh like uh jonathan cats

[9:52] yeah like jonathan cats that's what i was gonna say yeah he has a taunt shirt he ritually shaves

[9:59] the top of his

[10:00] It's the exact opposite of what he would do if he was a samurai.

[10:03] I guess then he'd just shave the front, right?

[10:05] I mean, you shave the top and then you fold your ponytail over on top, which I don't really understand.

[10:10] Like Donald Trump. Anyway, so moving on, that's the extent of the topical political humor for the evening.

[10:16] Norm also has a brother who sets up, like, displays of animal behavior because he says if people are interested in visiting the North,

[10:25] they'll protect it and they'll want to keep the animals alive that they see, which is kind of the impetus behind a lot of, I guess, conservation tourism.

[10:33] So his brother's ahead of his time. Anyway, but there's also the forbidden area that was the grandfather's property.

[10:39] Grandfather disappeared. One day the seagull takes Norm over there and they find that some humans are shooting a commercial for condos in the North.

[10:50] And the condo house that's there looks like Frank Gehry designed it. So I already don't approve.

[10:55] And there's a nice woman played by Heather Graham who works for the company who's building it, which is the Green Housing Company.

[11:02] The led by a guy named Green, played by Ken Jeong.

[11:08] Stewart is letting the cat out of the room and we'll see if later.

[11:13] Now, usually during the recordings, Archie tries to climb onto my jeans and I push him off and his claws scrape at my jeans.

[11:20] Now, I'm wearing shorts today. So when he climbs up my legs with his claws, let's see if I can pretend that I'm just recording and he's not doing it.

[11:27] It's a little game we'll play called Elliot's Bloody Knees.

[11:30] I am taking an aggressive stance of being proactively interested in Archie Dance Cat.

[11:36] We have gotten way off topic. The topic is Archie the cat.

[11:40] It is this new movie Archie of Stu's Lab.

[11:43] Now, Stewart is a member of a group many people don't know of which is called Catnesty International where he frees cats from Dan's room.

[11:50] That cat was a political prisoner.

[11:52] It's a different organization than Catnasty International, which is –

[11:59] I don't even want to know. Unless that's a new rapper from Detroit, I don't want to know.

[12:05] So Norm finds out that these humans want to build condos in the north and they're looking for a way to sell these condos.

[12:12] Now, Heather Graham's character has been separated from her daughter who is super bright, a Lisa Simpson type,

[12:17] and she wants to get her daughter into the same very exclusive prep school that her boss, Mr. Green, who is some kind of evil, fake, phony, hippie.

[12:28] Yeah, he looks like a 70s slimy, greasy fellow.

[12:33] I don't know, like he's bald and has a ponytail and wears a blousey turtleneck with a big gold medallion around his neck.

[12:41] He reminds me of Carmen Ghia, the housekeeper slash boyfriend to the director in The Producers who like –

[12:49] Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder, that scene where they're in a very small elevator with him and they just can't quite seem to stand far enough away to not be touching each other.

[12:56] Yes.

[12:57] That's what he resembles and then mix a little Jafar in there too.

[13:00] Yeah, there's definitely a lot of Jafar but with much more manic movements and the dead face of an animator who doesn't feel like trying to match it up with Ken Jeong's very animated performance.

[13:13] Instead, all of his limbs are constantly moving like serpents, like his body is a hydra head.

[13:19] As the movie goes on, he's less and less beholden to the laws of physics until he's just slipping around and floating everywhere in a kind of – let's just say you called him manic.

[13:28] For him, every day is Manic Monday.

[13:30] Even Sunday is a Manic Monday for him.

[13:35] I'm just chiming in to say that I'm still here even though I haven't talked in a long time because the cat is bothering the fuck out of me.

[13:42] So I apologize to everyone.

[13:45] Come on, dude.

[13:46] I'm doing a subpar job at my job.

[13:48] Hey, look.

[13:49] One, I appreciate you acknowledging that and two, which is amazing.

[13:54] Two, I think what you're telling them is you're not going and you, and you, and you, you're going to love him.

[14:03] Dreamgirls bomb starring Dan.

[14:08] See, I don't even know that reference.

[14:10] Yeah.

[14:11] I'm telling you I'm not going.

[14:13] It's the big song from Dreamgirls.

[14:15] It's a show-stopping number from what I understand.

[14:17] In the movie Jennifer Hudson sang it.

[14:18] Yeah, yeah.

[14:19] That's the one that Eddie Murphy was in, right?

[14:21] Yes.

[14:22] Okay.

[14:23] Dreamgirls.

[14:24] Norbit.

[14:25] You're thinking of Meet Dave.

[14:26] Uh-huh.

[14:27] Oh, no.

[14:28] Was he in that?

[14:29] Yeah, he was.

[14:30] Was Meet Dave the one with Kevin Kline?

[14:31] No, that's just Dave.

[14:32] Now, you're not thinking of the –

[14:33] The movie is called Just Dave?

[14:34] No, Meet Dave.

[14:35] Just Dave is my brother.

[14:37] Okay.

[14:38] Now, you're not thinking of the low-budget film Meet Dave, which is about a man made entirely of meat.

[14:42] It's disgusting.

[14:43] And his name is not even Dave.

[14:44] That's how low-budget it is.

[14:45] They couldn't afford the rights to Dave.

[14:46] Yeah, because Kevin Kline has that locked down.

[14:48] Yeah, yeah.

[14:49] He and Phoebe Cates have it in their will, and it goes to their children.

[14:52] It was an asylum production.

[14:54] They thought that Meet Dave was going to be a much bigger blockbuster than it was.

[14:58] They thought all the kids were going to be asking their parents for DVDs of Meet Dave.

[15:02] They're like, I guess this is what they're looking for.

[15:04] I don't know.

[15:05] Anyway, I got you –

[15:06] Grandma doesn't understand.

[15:08] I got you those Squeamage Ninja Myrtles.

[15:12] This isn't what I wanted, Grandma.

[15:14] You're the worst grandma ever.

[15:16] I can't keep track of your kid trends.

[15:18] Anyway, I got you this Benzen.

[15:20] They wanted Ben 10.

[15:22] You're the worst.

[15:23] What's some of the kid stuff?

[15:25] Yeah, and Grandma's like, I lived through the Great Depression.

[15:28] I've seen such wonderful things.

[15:30] Like the Great Depression.

[15:33] Yeah, exactly.

[15:34] Anyway, when I was being a nurse in France during World War II, whatever.

[15:39] I didn't want The Revengers on DVD.

[15:41] I wanted The Avengers.

[15:43] The Revengers Age of Moltron, who's a robot bird, whose feathers are falling out.

[15:48] This is besides the point.

[15:50] So Heather Graham gets footage of Norm of the North trying to save her from an earthquake, but it looks like he's trying to attack her.

[15:57] For some reason, her boss decides, you know what will make people really want to move to the north?

[16:02] A scary polar bear.

[16:04] Let's show people how scary polar bears are.

[16:07] It's going to make them want to move there, and so they decide they're looking for the perfect actor who can play the perfect polar bear.

[16:13] And Bill Nighy says, Norm, this is your chance.

[16:16] You can talk to humans.

[16:18] You know what?

[16:19] You're like every animal in the movie Zookeeper.

[16:21] You go there.

[16:22] You land this part, and then you tell people how important it is to not build homes in the Arctic by first becoming a shill for these Arctic homes, which means, hey, was this movie a sequel made in the 1980s because they're going to New York?

[16:35] Or I want to make it in the city that doesn't sleep.

[16:41] Hey, ho, to find on King of the North, Norm of the Bears, Top of the Bears.

[16:49] King of the Norm.

[16:52] And he goes there with his three lemming friends who have established are indestructible physically and also pee all over everything to the point that we see animated pee streams.

[17:02] They're basically minions, and they speak.

[17:05] They sound exactly like the kooky gremlin from Gremlins 2.

[17:09] They're like minions with a little touch of Conker's Bad Fur Day from the Nintendo 64.

[17:15] I just wanted to go backwards for a moment and say that.

[17:18] Much like Edward Bellamy.

[17:19] That was looking forward.

[17:21] That's Bill Bellamy.

[17:23] Even though this was an animated film, it looked like it was shot in Vancouver because they couldn't be bothered to make the New York skyline, one of the most iconic skylines in the world.

[17:32] Look anything like New York.

[17:34] Was there a Chrysler building?

[17:35] No.

[17:36] Was there an Empire State Building?

[17:37] No.

[17:38] Nothing.

[17:39] Was there the World Trade Center?

[17:40] No, but understandable.

[17:41] Yeah, this is a post 9-11 world.

[17:42] At this point, it's so refreshing that we are given a backdrop that isn't just white textures.

[17:50] For a little while, I thought we were just going to watch an entire movie with poorly textured snow.

[17:55] Stewart had gone snow blind.

[17:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[17:58] It was a Blizzard of Oz over here.

[18:00] Blizzard of Oz.

[18:02] Yeah, so they show up in New York.

[18:05] We get a taste of New York culture.

[18:07] We have our Fran Drescher stand-in.

[18:09] We have endless seas of taxicabs.

[18:13] Taxicabs and people going, I'm walking here.

[18:16] Forget about it.

[18:17] A million pizzas.

[18:18] So Norm, he gets involved.

[18:21] I can't even remember exactly how this happened.

[18:25] He's on the run from two people who work for Greene with tranquilizer darts.

[18:30] He manages to instead get them into a fight with a Shakespearean actor in a ragged bear suit.

[18:35] Who's going to audition for the same role that Norm needs to get.

[18:40] And once he's taken the bear suit off, it's clear he is Adam Driver.

[18:45] Yeah, he looks very similar to like a Sacha Baron Cohen, Adam Driver character.

[18:49] Yeah, mashup.

[18:50] Yeah.

[18:51] And he goes to the audition.

[18:52] Of course he nails it because he's a fucking bear.

[18:54] Which is great.

[18:55] Who talks.

[18:56] Which is just, it's not too far from your critique of the movie Funny People.

[19:00] Where getting a role in a commercial in New York with such a crowded market of other talent, other actors.

[19:10] And he gets it so easily.

[19:11] Like it's such a huge accomplishment and it's just glossed over.

[19:13] It just minimizes the real stakes of the movie.

[19:17] Of actual bears out there who are busting their ass every day.

[19:21] They're paying their dues.

[19:22] There are bears waiting tables.

[19:23] There are bears, let's just say it's stripping.

[19:25] Because that's the best they can get.

[19:26] And they're trying to make it.

[19:28] And suddenly Norm of the goddamn north, who's the son of royalty.

[19:32] His dad is the king of the north.

[19:34] His grandfather is the king of the north.

[19:35] He just swans in with his white bear privilege and just plucks that job.

[19:40] You know why?

[19:41] Because he has the right connections.

[19:42] And because he has the confidence that comes with always being top of the heap.

[19:46] King of the hill.

[19:48] A number north.

[19:50] Norm of the norm.

[19:53] He's up to bears.

[19:56] Norm York.

[19:58] New norm.

[20:00] That's all on my, uh, that's all on my new album, My My Way, Elliot Mangelsen, I've got

[20:09] you inside my hair, I've got you deep in the hair of mine, so deep in my hair that you

[20:21] really should get out of my hair, I've got you trapped in my room.

[20:29] And that's pie, oh that's pie, that's life, oh okay, luck be some gravy tonight, just

[20:41] chunky gravy tonight, luck if you've ever been a condiment to begin with, luck be some

[20:47] gravy tonight, gravy's not the same as ketchup, it isn't mustard or mayonnaise, gravy's a

[20:55] thing that you put on turkey and meatloaf and other things like that, but don't put

[21:01] gravy on a burger, don't put gravy on mac and cheese, although maybe that could be pretty

[21:08] good, I mean it's kind of poutine, just, except with french fries instead of mac.

[21:11] The gravy burger sounds pretty good.

[21:13] Forget what I said, just put the gravy on whatever, luck be some gravy, luck be some

[21:19] gravy, luck be some gravy, luck be some gravy on pie.

[21:25] I kind of have to because you guys are not keeping, you're not holding up your end of

[21:28] the bar.

[21:29] I came up with a My Way parody.

[21:31] Are you guys my stepbrothers at my dad's second wedding, because you're not holding up your

[21:35] end of the hoopa.

[21:36] Anyway, that's an inside joke from my brother I guess.

[21:42] Anyway, Norm's there, he gets the part, he, Ken Jeong, the boss, goes from hating him to

[21:47] loving him to hating him back and forth constantly, it gets revealed that his grandpa was kidnapped

[21:52] by the evil boss and is being kept in a basement.

[21:55] I guess he's there for reasons that we...

[21:57] I guess because he was going to stand in the way of the housing project.

[22:02] The polar council under their hands...

[22:04] Maybe he captured the former king of the north in order to destabilize the region, hoping

[22:08] that there'd be infighting between Norm, his brother, and Norm's dad.

[22:15] It just feels like one of these things where the screenwriter was like, it's not enough

[22:18] that Norm has to save his entire way of life, his grandfather also has to have been kidnapped

[22:24] by the exact same guy.

[22:25] To make it personal.

[22:26] To make it just like how Sandman had to be the guy who killed Uncle Ben, or else Spider-Man

[22:31] 3 would have not been a good movie.

[22:34] Luckily, Spider-Man 3 is amazing.

[22:37] Luckily, it's the greatest movie ever made, not even just the greatest superhero movie

[22:41] ever made.

[22:42] Oh, wow.

[22:43] The greatest movie ever made.

[22:44] Sorry, the red shoes.

[22:46] Yeah, Lawrence from Arabia, you're not the only Sandman in town.

[22:50] There's a new Sandman on the block, Lawrence, and his name is Cain Marko.

[22:57] No, wait a second.

[22:59] Cain Marko is the juggernaut, Flint Marko is the Sandman.

[23:02] Are they brothers?

[23:03] They are not.

[23:04] Cain Marko is Professor X's half-brother, though.

[23:07] Or stepbrother?

[23:08] Stepbrother.

[23:09] Like in the movie Stepbrothers, which is about Professor X and the juggernaut.

[23:12] That's a surprising percentage of people named Marko, considering that Marko is a very

[23:16] uncommon name in normal life.

[23:18] I mean, I know you work with someone named Marko.

[23:20] Yeah, but not as a last name.

[23:22] You know what?

[23:23] You make an amazing point.

[23:24] You're right.

[23:25] You make an amazing point.

[23:28] Let me drop my argument, because you're right.

[23:31] Oh, boy.

[23:32] What are we talking about?

[23:34] So, anyway, he has to save his grandpa.

[23:36] The Lemmings help him break into stuff.

[23:38] Meanwhile, Ken Jeong, he needs the approval of the Polar Council, which is a

[23:42] mean old lady who looks kind of like Cookie Roberts, who tells him, you need to get 85

[23:46] percent of public approval before I can give you the permits to build these Frank Gehry

[23:50] houses in the Arctic.

[23:52] As in real life, if you want to build anything in the Arctic, you have to get the approval

[23:56] of the Polar Council, which is an organization we're all familiar with.

[24:00] And they make their decisions, as we all know.

[24:02] And you can't gloss over it, because you can't underestimate kids' knowledge of polar

[24:07] politics.

[24:08] That's right.

[24:09] Kids would know, hey, the North Pole is technically international territory monitored by the

[24:14] Polar Council.

[24:15] Yeah, they couldn't connect to the source material.

[24:17] They would also understand that in the bylaws of the Polar Council, permits are based entirely

[24:21] on public approval for the mascot of a company.

[24:25] And so using his meter device on his phone that measures happy faces, Ken Jeong, the

[24:31] boss, has to get 85 percent approval of Norm's antics, or else this deal is a no-go in the

[24:37] North.

[24:38] Ken Jeong, even his character, Mr. Green, confronts Norm in a rooftop sushi parlor with

[24:46] a tranquilizer gun, and Norm avoids being shot with a tranquilizer and defeats Ken Jeong.

[24:53] And you're like, okay, I guess he's going to kill him now.

[24:56] He doesn't kill him.

[24:57] He honorably allows his opponent to survive.

[25:00] That gets captured on phones, telephones.

[25:03] Yeah, it goes viral, much like the end of Chronicle.

[25:06] And he becomes this instant celebrity, overnight success.

[25:10] And that's what Ken Jeong is trying to build off of.

[25:14] He wants to ride the coattails or the beartails of Norm.

[25:18] Yeah, I think it's beartails.

[25:20] Now, nobody puts two and two together that the guy who's ultimately profiting from Norm's

[25:24] popularity is the guy who's trying to kill Norm and ended up with a trank dart in the

[25:28] butt for his efforts.

[25:29] I want to back up and just talk a little bit about this guy.

[25:32] Yeah, back it up.

[25:33] Back that stuff up, dude.

[25:34] Yeah, come on.

[25:35] Back that hair up.

[25:36] Now, I want to talk a little bit about Mr. Green's plan.

[25:39] Okay, we did, but, you know, all right.

[25:41] Well, just the fact that there are actual…

[25:43] There are some good houses in the Arctic, dude.

[25:45] It makes perfect sense.

[25:46] I'll buy one.

[25:47] It's beautiful up there.

[25:48] I'm touched.

[25:49] There are actual threats to the Arctic.

[25:50] You know, from man-made threats, from global warming.

[25:53] The threat is not that people want to buy condos up there.

[25:57] Yeah, the threat is that there will be too much residential housing and not enough commercial

[26:01] space.

[26:02] Exactly.

[26:03] It's like Jane Jacobs said.

[26:04] Mixed use is what brings life to an urban neighborhood.

[26:07] It's like the screenwriter of this watched a back-to-back showcase of like Bikini Car

[26:14] Wash, Poltergeist…

[26:16] And Orca the Killer Whale.

[26:18] …Electric Boogaloo, and thought, okay, the only bad guys in the world are land developers.

[26:23] We've got to make it land developers.

[26:25] There's a very 80s thing that it's like condos are the villain.

[26:28] Yeah.

[26:29] The bad thing is condos.

[26:31] They're also just houses too.

[26:32] I think they're called condos at times, but they're just houses.

[26:35] Yeah.

[26:36] Anyway…

[26:37] These are not shared buildings.

[26:38] The fact that they're trying to develop the Arctic in a…

[26:42] Yeah, they're just trying to put housing up there is weird.

[26:45] I mean, the plan is literally to put like 10 houses up there without grocery stores

[26:49] or anything.

[26:50] Yeah.

[26:51] Anything.

[26:52] You're going to have to mail order everything.

[26:53] It's going to have to be sent by either big freighters that never come out.

[26:54] I mean, you don't need to go for groceries.

[26:55] You'll just, I don't know, kill like a seal.

[26:58] Just club up some seals.

[26:59] Club up some seals.

[27:00] Club up some seals.

[27:01] Make a club sandwich out of it.

[27:02] Oh.

[27:03] Oh.

[27:04] Is that what you would say when you're killing the seal?

[27:05] Yeah.

[27:06] You're laughing.

[27:07] You're going to shine them on a little bit?

[27:08] You get it.

[27:09] You get it, seals.

[27:10] Let's make a club sandwich.

[27:11] You've got to say it like a knockoff.

[27:14] Yeah, the seal's like, that's awesome, Terminator.

[27:17] Yeah.

[27:18] The seal's like, I'm dying, but I appreciate that you went to the trouble.

[27:21] Of the pun.

[27:22] Of eating a pun.

[27:25] So Norm does the – and the daughter of Heather Graham catches onto this plane instantly.

[27:30] You're going to get as popular as possible, and then when people really love you, when

[27:34] they're worshipping you and they'll do anything you say, you're going to turn on

[27:37] Mr. Green and talk about how you shouldn't build houses in the north, and the plane is

[27:40] working beautifully.

[27:41] Everyone loves him because he's a dancing bear.

[27:43] All over New York, people are just stopping what they're doing and dancing.

[27:46] The city shuts down.

[27:47] It's a state of emergency.

[27:48] The National Guard gets called in, but they're dancing.

[27:51] The army gets called in.

[27:52] They're dancing.

[27:53] There's a terrorist attack.

[27:54] They're dancing.

[27:55] Nobody cares.

[27:56] It's all dancing.

[27:57] It's like almost some kind of subliminal mind control that when you see this bear awkwardly

[28:02] gesticulating and flopping around –

[28:04] Shaking his butt and his belly.

[28:05] What did he call his dance?

[28:06] He had a name for his dance.

[28:07] The Arctic Shake.

[28:08] The Arctic Shake.

[28:09] I thought it was the Arctic Shuffle.

[28:10] Oh, boy.

[28:11] Oh, no.

[28:12] Listeners, watch Norm the North and write in to us and tell us which one it is.

[28:17] We've got to watch it all over again.

[28:19] For the first time.

[28:20] Shoot me in the face.

[28:22] Now, Elliot, you made a good point.

[28:24] With candy.

[28:25] Yay.

[28:26] Oh, I did?

[28:27] Thank you.

[28:28] You made a good point.

[28:29] Mr. Green's plan was basically failing already.

[28:32] Already.

[28:33] He didn't have enough approval to put these houses up.

[28:36] All Norm needed to do – Norm is the Indiana Jones in this movie.

[28:39] Yeah.

[28:40] All he needed to do was nothing.

[28:41] Just like Indiana Jones, he just had to eat the villain and everything would have been fine.

[28:47] And much like as in Raiders, Indy does not need to be there because when the Nazis – when Indy fails consistently –

[28:53] If Indy showed up and physically devoured Bellic's body.

[28:57] But Norm never eats anybody.

[29:00] He has that power, sure, but he doesn't.

[29:02] Yeah, that's his mutant power.

[29:04] Yeah, he's like Kirby.

[29:05] It's the mutant power that all bears have of being able to eat people.

[29:11] If he never went to the north –

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:14] It's not like one of these guys in a bear suit was going to be good enough to sell this plan.

[29:18] When you see the other actors in the room –

[29:19] Yeah, it didn't work in Grizzly Man.

[29:24] Look, you think one of these guys is just going to stick their hands in some bear poop, say this was inside her, and then sell a bunch of houses?

[29:30] I don't think so.

[29:31] No.

[29:32] When the other actors have joined to audition, Heather Graham on set, she goes, I want to see bears.

[29:38] Show me bears.

[29:39] And there's one guy who's just looking at the camera going, bear, bear, bear.

[29:42] That's very creepy.

[29:43] That's super creepy and way too sexual.

[29:45] That's the kind of – that would never get people's approval.

[29:48] The bear norm would just not allow – just not go there, and the plan would not happen.

[29:53] But he's got to save his grandpa.

[29:55] Let's say that.

[29:56] He has to do it because his grandpa is kidnapped.

[29:58] Yeah.

[29:59] Let's cut to the chase.

[30:00] in action by his grandpa. Let's cut to the chase, he becomes the hit of the world, he's the biggest

[30:04] star, look at me, I'm the king of New York. He's a bear wearing clothes, that's crazy. So what I'm

[30:10] trying to figure out is, do most people assume he's a bear or a man in a bear suit? I think they

[30:15] assume he's a man in a bear suit because, as in horror movies, in the movies costume technology

[30:21] is much better than in real life. So when you're watching Space Invaders and everyone's like,

[30:26] great Halloween costumes, and you're like, that's fucking insane, there's no way. Those are aliens,

[30:31] there's no way an off-the-shelf or even homemade Halloween costume would have motor controls in

[30:36] the face that detailed. I haven't thought of Space Invaders in a long time. That's one of

[30:43] those movies where, I think I watched... Where an alien wears a Letterman jacket, yeah. Yeah,

[30:51] those movies I watched I think three times as a kid and I remember in so much more detail than

[30:54] I remember any movies I saw in the past three weeks. Anywho, so he's at an off-brand generic

[31:02] version of Rockefeller Center's ice skating rink and he's about to make his big announcement. He

[31:07] does a dance and he goes, hey, I'm from the Arctic and I've got to tell you something to protect my

[31:11] homeland and it's... Ken Jeong cuts the feed and throws in something he's patched together from

[31:16] Norm's other statements saying, I support green houses in the Arctic. Go move there, chumps,

[31:22] buy these houses and give money to my boss. I'm a bear, not just a guy in a suit. Kidding.

[31:31] Anyway, burger, mushroom. He had extra words he had to use. At that point, Norm should be

[31:36] thinking his lucky stars, the North Star, that he didn't get... The fist of the North Star,

[31:42] if you will. Yeah, exactly. That he didn't receive an assassin's bullet and have to become a martyr

[31:49] to the cause of green houses. Yeah, but instead he goes on the run. He frees his grandfather.

[31:54] Because that's the thing. Once you hit a certain level of popularity like he's reached...

[31:58] Oh, yeah. You become a threat. Yeah, the only option is death, martyrdom.

[32:01] Look, because that... Here's the thing. To get that 100%, you need to be... You need to

[32:05] live on as an idea rather than an actual person. Because an idea can never disappoint.

[32:10] Yeah. But a flesh and blood human, or in this case bear, always will eventually because we

[32:14] have flaws and that's what makes us human or in this case a bear. And so if he's going to

[32:19] inspire, you're right. He must become that abstract ideal instead of being just, again,

[32:24] a flawed human or in this case a bear. Yeah. So he goes on the run. He saves his grandpa.

[32:29] They have a chase scene on the Brooklyn Bridge where they're running against traffic for some

[32:33] reason. The one thing that actually looks like something in New York. They do the Brooklyn

[32:37] Bridge okay. They almost drown. Then they get on the boat that's going to take the model houses

[32:42] to North Pole. They almost drown again. In a storm, they let loose all the houses and sink

[32:47] them in the water. They get back to the North Pole. Everything's okay. Mr. Green's plans have

[32:52] failed and Norm also gave the evidence that he was going to bribe the Polar Council to his investors

[32:58] to the police. And so he's in trouble. The movie punishes him by suspending him by his ponytail

[33:05] over the sewers, which would hurt a lot. And then he would have the lower part of his body devoured

[33:11] by chuds. And Norm is named King of the North. He's King in the North now, you know, to protect

[33:17] us from the wild. And he becomes the Polar Bear King. He doesn't even have to pull a golden compass

[33:25] and swipe some other bears jawbones off in a fight with a Panzerbjorn. Instead, he's the king,

[33:31] the lady bear who has no personality and whose head is massively shaped different. It's crazy.

[33:36] He has three kids with her and he gives a reference to Heather Graham so she can get a new job.

[33:42] So it's all wrapped up neat and tight in a tight little polar bow. So and his father abdicates the

[33:49] throne so he can be King of the North. I don't know if his father was ever really king. Oh,

[33:53] so he's like a seneschal. I think he was like acting regent. Yeah, like a steward. Yeah,

[33:58] a steward Wellington. Yep, that's me. Old Den of the Wellington. So here's the thing about this

[34:04] movie. Final Judgments did it. Anyway, so wow, you're taking over all of my parts. I'm sorry,

[34:10] Dan. Well, I didn't know. What do we do now? Do you want to talk about that scene where Norm says,

[34:14] hey, let's go investigate that shelf that smells like grandpa. Or there was a part, Stuart, Dan and

[34:20] I were talking, so I missed it. Or was it you, Dan? It was the scene where he's about to come

[34:26] out and give his big speech. He's like, I'm at maximum approval rating and they've they're going

[34:31] to have him do some dance. I'm having maximum fun. Yeah, maximum fun. Our network. This movie

[34:36] is partially sponsored by Jesse Thorne. And the Norm comes out from behind a like a dressing screen

[34:44] that they've set up on the ice for some reason. He could change his clothes. Yeah, exactly. So

[34:49] this is the first time that we see Norm in clothes and he's wearing it looks like a like a disco.

[34:55] It's like a Saturday Night Live fever tour through that Saturday Night Live cast.

[35:06] Oh, boy. Oh, so many deaths. Yeah. Well, if they weren't having sex with each other,

[35:10] they wouldn't keep catching it. Yeah, they were sharing the same cocaine straws. It was back in

[35:14] the 70s. Yeah, yeah. That's the way stuff spreads right through cocaine straws. It is all every when

[35:20] you're using cocaine, every straw is a crazy straw. So it's like a discarded George Carlin joke.

[35:29] He thought of it briefly was like, yeah, that's no good and threw it away.

[35:34] So he comes out from behind the screen, where is the trash?

[35:38] Like, wait, he balls up the joke and throws it in the trash. He goes back to combing his ponytail.

[35:43] Yeah, that's right. He's got to let it loose. He slaps his head. He's like,

[35:48] Carlin, come on. What are you doing? Get in the program. Yep. Wow. That's a dead on impression.

[35:55] I like it. He so Norm comes out from behind the screen after he's they have the same come out norm

[36:04] and he steps out from behind the screen and we get a nice Google at this outfit he's wearing and he

[36:09] says, I think I just did, which is I'm guessing a comment on him thinking that he looks like

[36:16] somebody who's come out of the closet. Seems like a gay joke. There's a number there's too

[36:20] many. This is something we talked about on the podcast before. I don't like kids movies with

[36:24] jokes that are just for the adults and about things that kids should not have to be worrying

[36:30] about, like when a bear is going to come out and how society is going to handle that. Yeah. Or like

[36:36] there's a there's a scene where the director of the commercial about the Green Homes is like

[36:40] sees a helicopter goes, oh, creative notes from the executives. I won't have it. I'm a genius.

[36:45] And it's like, don't put any jokes in your kids movie about like the Hollywood notes process.

[36:50] I also don't need to see a scene in a movie where three lemmings are peeing in a fish tank.

[36:55] And you see the piece, you see the stream, see the piece of like do the do or it's like

[37:01] there's some there's a new Damon Lindelof show about mysterious urine that maybe goes to aliens

[37:07] and the at the end of all the commercials that don't quite tell you what the show's about.

[37:11] See, the slogan on the billboards is like, wait, it's like a little girl whispering in your ear.

[37:17] Exactly. But P is backwards or something. Save the P. Kill your bladder. Yeah, exactly.

[37:23] Yeah. The yeah, I mean, it is the there are a fair amount of fart joke. There's actually fewer

[37:31] fart jokes than I expected. That's true. I mean, and I like here's the thing. I like a good fart

[37:35] joke. I hate a bad fart joke. So what is it based on volume of the fart or timing, context,

[37:44] quality of the fart sound, the face that Kevin James is making? There's almost no faces he can

[37:49] make that aren't funny. He was unfortunately born with a disfiguring syndrome called Funny Face.

[37:54] They made a movie about it with Audrey Hepburn. It was called Dick Tracy. It was the progenitor.

[37:58] It was the it was the ancestor of the movie Mask was Funny Face starring Audrey Hepburn

[38:03] about a woman whose face is disfigured by being hilariously funny. Mask was hilarious.

[38:09] Sometimes I just lie in bed laughing, thinking about it

[38:12] when that when that disfigured kid goes, somebody stop me smoking.

[38:20] So this movie. Yeah. Final judgments. Did it do not a very good movie? No,

[38:26] I will say this animation quality better than expected story quality. Not good.

[38:32] I, you know, I for the first, you know, disagree with me, Dan, for the first, I think I can make

[38:37] a pretty good case for the first like half or two thirds of the movie, even like I thought maybe it

[38:43] was a good bad movie. I mean, there was a lot of stuff that I really liked about it, like just the

[38:50] baffling. The plot is baffling. The fact that he has to stop condos from being developed by a hippie

[38:58] by a hippie who has a polar council meter that tells what people are thinking about his plan

[39:06] and he has to become the face of the organization to build it up, to tear it down like this is a

[39:14] children's movie that we're talking about. It does seem overly complicated. It's overly

[39:18] complicated and it's all based on like corporate espionage. There's also two scenes where Norm

[39:24] kind of is on the brink of death by drowning. Yeah. And at the end, it's made very clear that

[39:30] he fucked that other polar bear because they have three kids. Yeah. Like, come on,

[39:34] movie, don't you don't have to show us that to prove that Norm fucks.

[39:38] Just look at him. It's totally obvious from the moment you see that he fucks, man.

[39:46] This bear is a freak. You can't stop him. Yeah. He's you don't get that confident

[39:52] without fucking every once in a while. Come on. That jackhammer pelvis he's carrying around.

[39:57] Yeah. Anyway, so you're saying, Dan? Yeah.

[40:00] uh... is that i like that i also like how i think the i'd like to have the

[40:04] movie kept saying the title of like the woman can introduce a new there is

[40:09] there's no more than north

[40:10] normal north everybody else on season apartment to those northern north near

[40:14] the king of the like that

[40:16] you know i i didn't know you understood the the the the monarchy's situation in

[40:21] the in the arctic areas

[40:23] but uh... it gets boring by the end by the end i was

[40:26] like many films uh... general phone for

[40:30] mhm tweets and just look at it and quote looking for the next rush you know

[40:34] yeah that next premium rush

[40:36] that would be great i'd much rather be watching premium rush of movies they

[40:40] brought back my brother and

[40:41] yeah

[40:42] the michael shannon came back at premium rush to

[40:45] at some kind of the crow care

[40:49] uh... so there was a movie called

[40:51] uh...

[40:53] you know like the legion of shannon's and it's michael shannon from all of his

[40:56] movies premium rush

[40:57] man of steel bug

[40:59] my son my son what have you done revolutionary road

[41:03] uh... ice man one of the movies that michael shannon i was walking past of

[41:07] stoop sale recently

[41:09] and one of the dvds on sale was bug

[41:12] and i'm like

[41:13] well i don't know if you'd like to go ahead and i thought it was a good movie

[41:17] it would never cross my mind to get a dvd i was like i got a i gotta get this

[41:21] for home viewing and uh... i'm gonna rewatch this year after year look i

[41:25] don't stay in a lot of air bnb's because it's easier to stay in them than

[41:28] hotels when you have a small child

[41:29] one of my favorite things is looking at people's dvd collections and being like

[41:33] why did you why do you own this why are you really gonna watch nanny mcphee that

[41:38] many times

[41:40] why do you have a why do you own a copy of look who's talking now

[41:44] it's like visiting an old person's house and seeing their like weirdly small vhs

[41:48] collection that has a few very specific titles and like

[41:52] i mean i get i understand why you have cocoon here

[41:55] but i don't know uh... to want a man really

[41:58] i guess you must love basketball because you're an old person

[42:03] batteries not included ok

[42:05] yeah i mean old people yeah cocoon batteries not included these are movies

[42:09] where old people become relevant i only like to watch movies about old people

[42:13] the world's fastest indian best exotic marigold hotel second best exotic

[42:18] marigold hotel

[42:20] go on there's probably more uh... uh... that that when the wind blows

[42:25] uh...

[42:27] uh... dogs

[42:30] i feel bad for all those other exotic marigold hotels always knowing that they're not going to be

[42:34] the best exotic marigold hotel

[42:36] yeah i think we might have done that joke before uh... maybe not anyway final

[42:40] judgment i think that's a joke i kept trying to get into the daily show

[42:43] actually i think that's where you heard it

[42:45] maybe that's it maybe i read it in one of your passes yeah you plaintively in the corner

[42:49] suggesting that joke over and over john what about the best exotic marigold hotel? no

[42:55] but it's the second best but maybe trevor

[43:00] guys if you hear an exotic marigold hotel joke on the daily show you'll know

[43:05] exactly where it came from i'll be impressed when you get a best exotic neutral milk

[43:09] hotel joke on the show so elliot says bad bad dan says good great and i say bad bad

[43:14] so the bad bads have it i wish it was good bad but it's not

[43:17] bad enough to be good bad in a weird way it doesn't like as much as we have a

[43:21] character design of female characters that have giant asses

[43:26] it doesn't compare to the madness of proportion that is guardian of the

[43:30] highlands sir billy yeah where every woman is this like crazy uh... balancing

[43:35] act of giant breasts and strange faces they might as well have called it guardian of future

[43:40] back pain sure

[43:42] it was a russ meyer animated film

[43:45] uh... imagine

[43:46] that would be a crazy movie yeah

[43:49] uh... boy

[43:51] okay so we gave some final uh... wait you're talking about alf now i was going to say russ

[43:55] meyer's alf was weird

[43:57] ralph bakshi should uh... take one of russ meyer's old scripts and animate it

[44:02] yeah to stay relevant with the teens today who love russ meyer

[44:10] hey guys this is adam conover you may know me from my true tv show adam ruins

[44:14] everything well guess what now we're doing a podcast version right here on

[44:18] maximum fun what we do is we take all the interesting fascinating experts that

[44:21] we talked to for just a couple minutes on the show and we sit with them for an

[44:24] entire podcast really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of

[44:29] their work find adam ruins everything wherever you get your podcast or at

[44:33] maximum fun dot org

[44:36] now is the time

[44:38] where i have to pay the piper

[44:39] oh boy

[44:41] doing the pipers

[44:42] a hungry man some flop house housework

[44:46] and if you're...

[44:49] taking care of business

[44:53] taking care of boss nass

[44:55] from star wars taking care of boss nass the worst character they have

[45:00] workout

[45:01] whoa

[45:03] name a worst character oh man that's going to be tough even jar jar is better than boss nass

[45:08] what about uh... dex the guy who runs the uh...

[45:13] slave slaver

[45:14] uh... which one the one who owns anakin the floaty boss nass

[45:18] wado? the toydarian?

[45:22] the thing is

[45:23] uh... jedi mind drinks don't work on him because of his race

[45:27] look he is

[45:29] a racist caricature sure

[45:32] but every racist caricature has a little bit of truth to it right?

[45:36] just kidding anyway

[45:37] he's a bad character too but boss nass is the worst

[45:40] of the worst

[45:42] and i like the character who's a space mummy

[45:45] dengar yeah who's just an old man with dirty toilet paper wrapped around his head

[45:49] yeah who's like han solo stole from my tomb

[45:56] in one of those star wars comic strips i guess

[46:01] that al williamson did

[46:03] but tonight the flop house is brought to you in part

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[47:03] which is where you say gimme a lot of that stuff and you have to buy at least

[47:07] three hundred pounds of every item that's way too much

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[47:48] uh... taking care of somebody else

[47:50] blue apron is a great way to get them a gift that helps make their life a little easier

[47:53] and i'm allergic to a lot of things including homework

[47:57] does blue apron accommodate that dan?

[48:00] uh... i hope so i don't know

[48:03] stewart this is like being a trial lawyer you never ask a question you don't know the answer to

[48:09] we've been over this your ad-libbing is harming our

[48:13] ad-libbing yeah anyway blue apron is a really good service

[48:18] the food tastes good they send it to you they teach you how to cook it

[48:21] by telling you we got a call to action on that piece

[48:24] here's some of the meals available in june you got crispy

[48:28] or sorry creamy shrimp that's very different crispy and creamy are very different textures dan

[48:33] let's not speed this up

[48:35] you're like a french waiter dan like you're telling us the specials

[48:39] there is a creamy shrimp fettuccine with sautéed green beans and spinach

[48:44] now let me ask you i heard you had a crispy shrimp dish is that the case?

[48:49] uh... that was uh... the former waiter here was an idiot

[48:54] he had stupid tongue uh... we had to fire him

[49:00] sweet chili chicken with tinkerbell peppers green beans and jasmine rice

[49:05] so that's real fairy blood in it the tinkerbell

[49:09] and spiced steak and tomato avocado salad with creamy corn cabbage and red

[49:14] onion slaw

[49:15] now i don't know what creamy corn cabbage is but it sounds delicious

[49:20] oh wow yeah yeah so uh... dan tell that waiter that we want to order the third

[49:24] one okay no no one of everything come on oh yeah i guess we'll have one of everything max fun's paying

[49:29] three orange whips

[49:30] uh... but check out this week's menu

[49:33] and

[49:35] and three hard boiled eggs make that four hard boiled eggs

[49:38] is my aunt minnie in here?

[49:40] i'm trying to look at the ceiling it's the only place oh no he tells the cleaners to start with the ceiling

[49:45] uh... so check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free

[49:49] shipping by going to blueapron.com slash

[49:53] flophouse blueapron.com slash flophouse you won't regret it yeah you'll love how good it feels

[49:58] and taste to create an incredible home

[50:00] quick meals, but Blue Apron said, ìDo not wait.î

[50:30] Thatís going to be a special time, when me and the ladyÖ

[50:32] Letís say, Gooby and Norm in the North are in the corner.

[50:40] Yeah, exactly. When itís going to be a special night, I like throwing on my Mack Weldonís

[50:43] first.

[50:43] One, theyíre comfortable. Two, they look great. Letís just get this straight. Mack

[50:47] Weldon is better than whatever youíre wearing right now, except for me because Iím wearing

[50:50] Mack Weldon stuff right now. Dan, you probably feel and look like crap because youíre not

[50:56] wearing Mack Weldon right now.

[50:57] My groin feels like a pinhead from the Hellraiser movies right now.

[51:02] So it feels a sense of power?

[51:04] Yeah. It feels like thereís no dividing line between pain and pleasure.

[51:09] So if you donít want a centibite penis, listen to what Iím going to tell you. So Mack Weldon

[51:14] believes in smart design, premium fabricsÖ

[51:16] Itís more of a butterball. Itís one of the centibites.

[51:19] And simple shopping. Itís super easy to shop there. The clothes, itís mainly, thereís

[51:25] a lot of underpants. Thereís the best undershirt Iíve ever owned from them and itís all really

[51:31] good. Itís a website. You go and you shop from it. Itís super easy. They send it to

[51:35] you really quickly. It comes wrapped in plastic so nobody else has ever worn it, which would

[51:39] be gross.

[51:40] Yeah, unless itís Laura Palmer.

[51:42] But you donít want Laura Palmer wrapped in plastic. Sheís dead. Mack Weldon will be the

[51:46] most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies and sweatpants you will

[51:50] ever wear. I totally believe this. They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that

[51:55] are naturally antimicrobial. I have a pair of the silver underwear. Very comfortable.

[52:00] Doesnít smell. And it feels like I have the silver surferís crotch and who wouldnít

[52:05] want that?

[52:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And thatís what you would wear when you and your significant other have

[52:09] a date night.

[52:10] Or if weíre playing, and this is a fantasy role play Iím not saying we necessarily do,

[52:13] if Iím the silver surfer and Iím stopping in at the Things blind girlfriend, Alicia

[52:18] Mastersí apartment and maybe things go one way or the other and they do it, this is the

[52:23] great way to act that out.

[52:24] Okay. So she pretends to be a blind girlfriend who is cheating on the Thing?

[52:29] Yes, and sheís a sculptor. Hereís the way it goes. Iím Norrin Radd, the silver surfer.

[52:33] Iím still trying to understand how humans work, how they could be such a mix of beauty

[52:37] and evil and terrible.

[52:39] Yeah, exactly.

[52:40] How prejudice could so beautifully counterbalance with grace and she is sculpting it.

[52:45] If thereís something magical about humans, thatís why youíre preventing Galactus from

[52:48] devouring the planet.

[52:49] Exactly, and now Iím trapped here unfortunately by a space barrier that Galactus, my former

[52:53] master, put in place and I want nothing more than to go back to my home world and be with

[52:58] Shalabal, my beloved, but thatís not in the cards right now. So Alicia Masters is going

[53:03] to sculpt me, but sheís blind so she kind of has to feel me first and one thing leads

[53:08] to another and letís just sayÖ

[53:09] I feel like Iím reading his online dating bio.

[53:12] Letís just say Iíll be stiff as a board, a surfboard that is.

[53:17] Thatís hilarious.

[53:18] Iíll be really excited later on when I listen to this episode to hear what the hell you

[53:21] were talking about because I zoned out halfway through.

[53:24] Well, just go to the Wikipedia entry for ìSilver Surfer Fantasy Sex Roleplayî.

[53:27] Okay.

[53:28] Thereís a CGI illustration of it and everything. They want you to be comfortable so if you

[53:33] donít like your first pair, keep it. Theyíll still refund you, no questions asked. No questions.

[53:38] Itís your underpants.

[53:39] They will not ask you questions about it.

[53:42] But theyíll refund it if youíre not comfortable.

[53:44] In fact, even if you want to send those underwears back, do not do that.

[53:48] Donít worry about it.

[53:49] Just hold on to them.

[53:50] Just hold on to them.

[53:51] Permanent effigy, who knows.

[53:52] Whatever you want to do with it, try them again because youíre probably wrong.

[53:54] Theyíre probably very comfortable.

[53:55] Maybe you just need to take like three showers, dude, then put them back on.

[53:58] Yeah, maybe the problem is youíve got too much grime built up and so theyíre good for

[54:03] anything you do, working out, going to work, going on dates, everyday life.

[54:06] Or if youíre like Stuart, and I know that this is true from sharing a hotel room with

[54:11] him when I went out to Max Fun, just lounging around without your pants on.

[54:15] Yeah, you got to feel comfortable sometimes.

[54:17] Just hanging out with another guy in the room without your pants.

[54:20] When I enter what I would call a safe space, my pants are off in, I donít know, like under

[54:25] a minute usually.

[54:27] When I was in Los Angeles recently pitching a television show that nobody was interested

[54:33] in, and it was called No Pant.

[54:34] It was called Pants Off, Dance Off.

[54:35] Unfortunately, that show already exists.

[54:36] I think it was canceled.

[54:37] So I pitched another show.

[54:38] Itís called Dating Naked.

[54:39] I think that exists already.

[54:40] So I was like, ìLetís keep with the naked theme.

[54:41] How about Naked and Afraid?î They said, ìThat exists already.î And I said, ìNot the way

[54:42] Iím going to do it.î

[54:43] But I was doing pitch meetings and I only packed Mack Weldon under things because I

[54:44] wanted to be comfortable and I didnít want to feel sweaty and it helped give me the confidence

[54:45] to do really good pitches.

[54:46] So thatís a real true testimonial.

[54:47] So hereís what youíre going to do.

[54:48] Youíre going to go to the bathroom, youíre going to go to the bathroom, youíre going

[54:49] to get 20% off using the promo code FLOP, F-L-O-P, MackWeldon.com.

[55:11] Look if you want underwear that feels good and looks good and I donít know why you wouldnít,

[55:15] go to Mack Weldon.

[55:17] Promo code FLOP for 20% off.

[55:20] Boom.

[55:21] Okay.

[55:22] Now at this point, we do a little bit of J-J-J-Jumbotron and we got a message.

[55:27] Who?

[55:28] Who?

[55:29] Hey dudes.

[55:30] Hey.

[55:31] Hey.

[55:32] A little informal.

[55:33] Let me level with you.

[55:34] Let me just turn the chair around.

[55:35] Stuartís going to rap with the young people.

[55:37] Okay.

[55:38] Do you guys love Game of Thrones, Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica and want to know

[55:43] ofÖ

[55:44] At least two-thirds of those things.

[55:45] Yeah.

[55:46] Why not?

[55:47] Please donít interrupt the Jumbotron.

[55:48] Do you guys want to know about the real world politics behind these otherworldly realms?

[55:53] Well, Otherworldly Politics is the new book for you.

[55:56] What would Mr. Spock do about Vladimir Putin?

[56:00] Who would make a better president?

[56:02] Daenerys Targaryen or Tyrion Lannister?

[56:06] I think that answer is pretty clear guys.

[56:08] Itís Tyrion Lannister.

[56:10] If you look at theirÖ you guys agree with me?

[56:14] If you look at their policies and track record clearly, I mean we have a staunch progressive

[56:19] in the form of Daenerys Targaryen.

[56:21] But Tyrion LannisterÖ

[56:22] But can she deliver?

[56:23] Thatís the thing.

[56:24] She canítÖ

[56:25] Hereís a situation Iím just going to roll with you.

[56:26] Yeah.

[56:27] The economy collapses.

[56:28] Weíre in a recession.

[56:29] We need the president to do something.

[56:31] Oh no.

[56:32] She just got on a Dravian and flew the fuck to who knows where.

[56:35] Yep.

[56:36] Who knows where?

[56:37] Sheís getting her Dothraki minions together for what?

[56:40] I donít know.

[56:41] Yeah.

[56:43] Whatís her plan parented?

[56:44] Does this dragon blowing fire and stuff help?

[56:46] No, it doesnít.

[56:47] It does not help at all.

[56:48] And clearly Tyrion LannisterísÖ his policy of the whoreís penny or the dwarfís penny

[56:53] where he was taxing people using prostitutes in Kingís Landing, though not preferred by

[56:58] the people making use of those servicesÖ

[57:01] It cut down on the deficit.

[57:02] Yeah.

[57:03] It cut down on the deficit.

[57:04] So anywayÖ

[57:05] Okay.

[57:06] Letís continue.

[57:07] Youíre advertising a book that youíre nowÖ

[57:08] Yeah.

[57:09] Giving the answers away.

[57:10] You can find all this information out in Otherworldly Politics.

[57:13] So, why donít you go buy Otherworldly Politics, the international relations of Star Trek,

[57:19] Game of Thrones, and Battlestar Galactica on Amazon and all other good booksellers.

[57:23] All right.

[57:24] Check it out.

[57:25] But moving on to letters from listenersÖ

[57:30] The showís not over yet.

[57:31] Mamma mia.

[57:33] Mamma mia.

[57:34] So Norm of the North, he was a man or a bear?

[57:40] Whatís the difference really?

[57:42] Yeah.

[57:43] So we asked last week for people to write in with goofy scenes from otherwise good films.

[57:51] Yeah.

[57:52] Scenes likeÖ letís say youíre watchingÖ

[57:54] The Goofy movie.

[57:55] The movie and Goofy shows up.

[57:56] Yeah.

[57:57] Well, youíre watching the Goofy movie and suddenly Goofyís grandmother starts talking

[58:01] about the Holocaust and her experiences really brought the room down.

[58:04] Yeah.

[58:05] So Iím going to read a few of these answers.

[58:08] One person wrote in to say, ìI want to put forth one from the 2013 movie The Counselor.

[58:13] I donít know if I can say itís a good movie per se, but it has at least a very dramaticÖ

[58:17] it is at least a very dramatic movie that has one absurdly odd sequence wherein Cameron

[58:22] Diaz leaps on top of a car and grinds her naked crotch against the windshield whilst

[58:27] Javier Bardem watches from inside.î

[58:30] And he describesÖ heís talking aboutÖ he describes it as seeing like an octopus up

[58:34] against the glass of a fish tank, right?

[58:36] I watched that movie.

[58:38] I may have blocked that line out.

[58:40] Oh.

[58:41] But yeah, that was a goofy scene.

[58:43] I liked it though.

[58:44] I donít like the face.

[58:46] Yeah, heís got all the elements of a dance scene.

[58:49] Dancing.

[58:50] Ted dancing.

[58:51] I submit the pinnacle momentÖ

[58:54] Dancing.

[58:55] Dancing.

[58:56] Ted dancing.

[58:57] Heís a Ted dancing machine.

[58:58] This one says, ìI submit the pinnacle moment of Spike Leeís oeuvre, The Scene in Summer

[59:03] of Sam, where David Berkowitz, played by Michael Badalucho, who Iím sure Elliot has seen in

[59:09] a playÖî

[59:10] I think so, yeah.

[59:11] ìÖis tormented by the barking of his neighborís dog when all of a sudden the dog appears in

[59:15] the room with him and speaks through the magic of CGI and the voice of John Turturro, the

[59:20] murder line, ìI want you to go out and kill, kill, kill!î This is the only scene of David

[59:25] Berkowitz actually in the film.

[59:26] Iím not sure what Mr. Lee was going for.

[59:28] Well, I donít know if thatísÖ

[59:29] Well, I mean, that is part of theÖ

[59:30] That happened.

[59:31] Well, itís part of the legend Son of Sam built for himself.

[59:34] Like, he was not that kind of crazy, but he told peopleÖ

[59:37] Yeah, and magic didnít happen in the real world.

[59:39] No, but he did claim that a dog told him to kill.

[59:42] Yeah.

[59:43] But he was notÖ he didnít really believe that himself.

[59:46] So, like, I get why Spike Lee would put that in, because itís a colorful moment of semi-real

[59:50] history.

[59:51] Yeah.

[59:52] He was the kind of crazy where you got a sexual release from killing people.

[59:54] Now having John Turturroís voice might be goofy.

[59:57] But itís a Spike Lee movie.

[59:58] John Turturroís got to show up at some point.

[1:00:00] It's in his contract.

[1:00:03] Now, what would be a less goofy or more goofy voice?

[1:00:06] Goofy would be a more goofy voice, obviously.

[1:00:09] Go out and kill!

[1:00:12] Gorsh!

[1:00:14] That's not too far from Davey and Goliath, right?

[1:00:17] Goliath was with a talking dog.

[1:00:20] Go kill Davey!

[1:00:22] If they had that actor who they always spoof on The Simpsons, the one who's like,

[1:00:25] Hello!

[1:00:28] Frank Nelson? Is that who that is?

[1:00:31] From the Jack Manny show?

[1:00:34] Yeah.

[1:00:37] So, less goofy would be, what, Christopher Walken?

[1:00:40] Yeah, he sounds like a dog who would tell people to kill.

[1:00:43] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:46] And also, that's a big name.

[1:00:49] You can put that on the poster and people go see it.

[1:00:52] I can't wait to see Chris Walken.

[1:00:55] The last answer we got from this.

[1:00:58] Until recently, I had been living and working in Tokyo for several years,

[1:01:01] trying to keep up with Western TV and movies the best I could.

[1:01:04] When David Bowie passed away, a small art theater launched a retrospective of his films,

[1:01:07] including Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence.

[1:01:10] Oh, yeah, I just saw that not too long ago.

[1:01:13] It was last year, I guess.

[1:01:16] And I figured I should take advantage of the occasion to see it on the big screen.

[1:01:19] The film was essentially one big, long tale of fraught, homoerotic tension and gay panic.

[1:01:22] With a lot of the conflict centered around a young Japanese captain

[1:01:25] played by composer Ryuichi Sakamoto

[1:01:28] trying to deal with how badly he has the hots for David Bowie.

[1:01:31] Haven't we all been there?

[1:01:34] What made this weird is that I actually went to school with Sakamoto's son

[1:01:37] and watching the father of someone you know, even only in passing,

[1:01:40] act out repressed sexual urges in very heavy eyeliner.

[1:01:43] You were about to say repressed sexual urchins.

[1:01:46] Come on, buy this paper for me, pal.

[1:01:49] I'm dealing with issues.

[1:01:52] There's a part of me that I feel like I can't put out in public.

[1:01:55] The only issues I'm dealing with aren't just newspapers.

[1:01:58] Extra, extra. I'm afraid to admit myself to myself.

[1:02:01] I'm not going to finish that sentence.

[1:02:04] Nothing to joke about.

[1:02:07] Because it's nonsense now.

[1:02:10] At the climax of this film, which grows increasingly strange as it progresses,

[1:02:13] David Bowie plants a big, angry kiss on the captain's face

[1:02:16] in a manner not dissimilar to Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.

[1:02:19] Spoiler alert.

[1:02:22] It was overacting at its best, and the theater was silent

[1:02:25] except for the sound of me and the young man next to me

[1:02:28] weasel laughing like horrible Philistines.

[1:02:31] Except for the sounds of me and the man next to me

[1:02:34] violently masturbating each other.

[1:02:37] Within the context of that film, I think that scene is not crazy.

[1:02:40] It's kind of what the movie's building up to.

[1:02:43] But hey, I get it.

[1:02:46] It's not a movie that's on everybody's wavelength.

[1:02:49] Great soundtrack.

[1:02:52] Is that a completely out-of-place scene,

[1:02:55] or is it just a scene that's overly dramatic?

[1:02:58] It's a very over-the-top scene.

[1:03:01] Like the sort of thing that might show up in a David Lynch movie, basically?

[1:03:04] Not that weird, because it's not like the content is strange or unexpected.

[1:03:07] His reaction is so intense.

[1:03:10] Okay. It's not like an overly arch performance

[1:03:13] in an otherwise straight-laced movie?

[1:03:16] No, not exactly.

[1:03:19] But anyway, I just wanted to read some of the reactions.

[1:03:22] No, I like that. It's like in comic books

[1:03:25] when they'll have a contest in the letters pages and people write in.

[1:03:28] We should do more of that.

[1:03:31] Dan, let's ask the listeners to send in something specific this time, too.

[1:03:34] If you guys have any sex fantasies involving Marvel Comics characters,

[1:03:37] send them in.

[1:03:40] Oh no, the owl is going to show up.

[1:03:43] Tombstone and the owl are hanging out.

[1:03:46] So I have this thing where D-Man, Tombstone, and the owl are all together,

[1:03:49] and Mysterio is watching.

[1:03:52] This letter...

[1:03:55] Payspot Pete shows up, and the white stuff is his pot.

[1:03:58] Excuse me, the trapster.

[1:04:01] He hasn't been Payspot Pete for a long time.

[1:04:04] This is from Brett.

[1:04:07] Brett, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:04:10] Thank you, not only for hosting the most insightful and hilarious

[1:04:13] bad movie podcast on the internet, but also resolving a mystery

[1:04:16] that has plagued my dreams and nightmares for several years.

[1:04:19] In about 2012, I was walking by the Clinton Park Cafe

[1:04:22] across the street from the campus of the Pratt Institute in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

[1:04:25] I discovered on this occasion

[1:04:28] a cardboard box of VHS tapes.

[1:04:31] As a curious collector of other people's garbage,

[1:04:34] I examined the box's contents, only to discover that I had hit the jackpot.

[1:04:37] Here you will find a full inventory of the box's contents,

[1:04:40] in no particular order.

[1:04:43] Andy Warhol presents Joe D'Alessandro and Holly Woodlawn in Trash,

[1:04:46] Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Pink Flamingos,

[1:04:49] Catgirl, Bloodthirsty Tale of a Pretty Girl with Claws,

[1:04:52] David Friedman's Roadshow Rarities, Volume 1,

[1:04:55] Teaserama, Don't Torture a Duckling,

[1:04:58] Frank Henlotter's Sexy Shocker,

[1:05:01] Triple X Hardcore Horrors, Volume 7,

[1:05:04] Sacrilege Slash Sexual Satanic Awareness,

[1:05:07] Ham and Tommy Lee, Hardcore and Uncensored,

[1:05:10] Videodrome,

[1:05:13] Prisoners of Paradise,

[1:05:16] Teenage Catgirls in Heat,

[1:05:19] The Adventures of Ratfinkabooboo,

[1:05:22] The Devil and Miss Jones,

[1:05:25] The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies,

[1:05:28] and Wild at Heart.

[1:05:31] Obviously, I took the box home.

[1:05:34] However, I couldn't help but wonder who had left behind such a finely curated collection

[1:05:37] of 80s old cinema

[1:05:40] and top-shelf pornography.

[1:05:43] It is scruntally packed,

[1:05:46] and it is filled to the brim

[1:05:49] with the most ridiculous,

[1:05:52] It is scruntled anthology films archive volunteer,

[1:05:55] the couple who have been masturbating in the seats in front of me

[1:05:58] in the full-run time of Midnight Show of Alien

[1:06:01] at IFC the year before.

[1:06:04] With so few clues, I was left to assume

[1:06:07] that I had simply stumbled upon the post-gentrification Brooklyn

[1:06:10] equivalent of a soggy stack of hustlers stashed in the woods.

[1:06:13] However, now that I have discovered the flop house,

[1:06:16] the identity of the tape's original owner becomes all too clear.

[1:06:19] None other than our own perversoid number one Dan McCoy,

[1:06:22] or possibly Stewart.

[1:06:25] Of course, this begs the question,

[1:06:28] why would Dan have taken a 22-minute subway ride to simply discard his prized VHS collection?

[1:06:31] Actually, at that time I would have been living in Clinton Hill, not far from there.

[1:06:34] That's true. Actually, the story really matches up.

[1:06:37] The story is clear. As we all know,

[1:06:40] Dan's true perversion is his deviousness,

[1:06:43] the tawdry and shameful manner in which he pathetically attempts to conceal

[1:06:46] Of course Dan would be too ashamed to leave such a box in his own stoop,

[1:06:49] and yet he would feel such a deep affection for his stag swag

[1:06:52] that he would be unable to simply throw it all away.

[1:06:55] It's not really swag.

[1:06:58] Unless he would leave the box conspicuous in a place no one would ever connect it to him personally.

[1:07:01] Well, Dan, I'm sorry to unmask you so thoroughly on your own podcast,

[1:07:04] but I knew you'd be happy to know that your precious babies have found a good home

[1:07:07] buried under AV cables in my childhood bedroom,

[1:07:10] concealed so that my mom doesn't assume that her son has a fetish

[1:07:13] for lovingly preserved VHS smut.

[1:07:16] Yes. Which appears to be the truth, though.

[1:07:19] Also, thank you to Elliot for the box of American Cinematographer magazines from 1993

[1:07:22] left outside his Park Slope apartment in 2012.

[1:07:25] Very possible. Very possible.

[1:07:28] I didn't, but that is the era when I had a subscription.

[1:07:31] Yeah, if he picked up a box stuffed to the gills

[1:07:34] with old white dwarf magazines, that would have been for me.

[1:07:37] Also semen-encrusted.

[1:07:41] Once I was walking to work, this was in Park Slope, Brooklyn,

[1:07:44] and there was just an open box of porno tapes

[1:07:47] sitting next to a public garbage can.

[1:07:50] And I was like, that's weird.

[1:07:53] And I didn't go too close to it.

[1:07:56] If I was a teenager, I would have been like, uh, what?

[1:07:59] Yeah, you thought it might have been like a honeypot, like you got too close and somebody grabs you.

[1:08:02] And then somebody pulls a steak out and the box falls on me

[1:08:05] and Elmer Fudd's eating me for dinner.

[1:08:09] That is quite a story.

[1:08:12] There was a time when I used to go through boxes of VHS tapes on the street.

[1:08:15] Yeah, when you were a hobo.

[1:08:18] When I was a hobo and I ate them.

[1:08:21] But there was a time when if I found a box of home VHS tapes,

[1:08:24] not factory-released movies, but video tapes with stuff written on the labels,

[1:08:27] I would pick those up in an instant because you never know what might be on them.

[1:08:30] I'm talking about home movies.

[1:08:33] I remember I found a box once where on the labels it was just old episodes of Letterman.

[1:08:37] And I was like, this is perfect, great.

[1:08:40] But most of the tapes were in really bad condition.

[1:08:43] But it was like, you never know what you're going to find.

[1:08:46] And that was in the pre-YouTube days.

[1:08:49] I remember when I lived in Minneapolis,

[1:08:52] my roommate Jonas Walker bought a recliner

[1:08:55] and we found in the cushions an envelope

[1:08:58] full of the most Midwestern shots of middle-aged nudes

[1:09:01] that you could imagine.

[1:09:05] Just an old couple having fun with each other.

[1:09:10] So I assume you guys burned that chair?

[1:09:13] Yeah.

[1:09:16] Except the nudes, though.

[1:09:19] The chair was filled with bedbugs with syphilis.

[1:09:22] Oh, they were all going insane. That's terrible.

[1:09:25] Yeah, that's too bad.

[1:09:28] So last letter of the evening.

[1:09:31] That was a sarcasm?

[1:09:39] Is that an insult?

[1:09:42] I hoped I wouldn't.

[1:10:00] Well, I guess you're so hilarious and engaging.

[1:10:02] Oh, thank you.

[1:10:03] Much like our hero, Dorf.

[1:10:04] Yeah.

[1:10:05] So my question is,

[1:10:06] which is your favorite in the Dorf octology?

[1:10:08] Mine is Dorf goes auto racing.

[1:10:10] Keep up the wonderful work on the Dorf cast.

[1:10:13] Love, Gencina.

[1:10:14] I think mine would be,

[1:10:16] I mean, there's always the fishing classic.

[1:10:19] Dorf plays golf, but I think on golf.

[1:10:21] Dorf on golf's a big, I'm a big fan of that.

[1:10:22] Because it's crazy.

[1:10:23] There's no way those clubs, like the clubs.

[1:10:26] Yeah, how does he?

[1:10:26] I like the part in-

[1:10:27] How does he swing those things?

[1:10:28] No, I mean the clubhouse.

[1:10:29] How does he get to hang out there?

[1:10:30] Because he's so weird looking.

[1:10:32] Well, there's Dorf goes to clubs,

[1:10:33] which is when Dorf visits-

[1:10:34] And he's Jewish.

[1:10:36] They don't let him in.

[1:10:38] Dorf visits the various sex clubs of Berlin

[1:10:41] and gets into hilarious mishaps.

[1:10:43] And the missus is always in trouble.

[1:10:44] Sure, because he's the perfect hype

[1:10:45] to have accidental bump-ins.

[1:10:48] But there's also, what, like a very Dorf Christmas.

[1:10:52] There's a, as you Dorf it, the Shakespearean Dorf play.

[1:10:56] Yeah, there's Dorf Two, Electric Dorf Blue.

[1:10:59] Dorf Takes Manhattan.

[1:11:00] Dorf Scared Stupid.

[1:11:03] There's the Red Shoe Dorferies.

[1:11:07] They're like, David Duchovny, leave that Dorf alone.

[1:11:10] Dorf it, do Dorfany.

[1:11:12] There's actually, speaking of David Duchovny,

[1:11:13] there's a David Duchovny Dorf story.

[1:11:15] In that, I remember reading an article,

[1:11:17] an interview where some, I don't know how this came up,

[1:11:20] but someone asked him,

[1:11:21] what's like the worst thing you ever bought?

[1:11:23] And he says, oh, I bought my wife,

[1:11:25] at the time he was still married, to Taylor Leone,

[1:11:27] one of those Dorf videos for a birthday present

[1:11:30] because I thought it would be funny and we watched it

[1:11:32] and it was terrible and we didn't laugh.

[1:11:33] And it's like, in what world does David Duchovny,

[1:11:36] the star of The X-Files,

[1:11:38] think that a proper gift for his wife,

[1:11:41] who's also a famous actress,

[1:11:44] would be like a Dorf tape?

[1:11:46] But I don't know.

[1:11:48] It took me far too long to realize

[1:11:50] the pun of Dorf and Dwarf.

[1:11:55] Well, and also Endorphin,

[1:11:56] because he does a lot of active activity.

[1:11:58] But now that I realize that pun,

[1:12:01] it becomes all the more offensive.

[1:12:03] It really is just like, I'm making fun of short people.

[1:12:07] It's such a weird thing because I have so much respect

[1:12:09] otherwise for Tim Conway, who can be so funny,

[1:12:14] but that thing is not funny.

[1:12:16] I guess everyone has that thing.

[1:12:18] It's okay for him to tackle a serious role.

[1:12:21] You know, that's right.

[1:12:22] Why am I limiting him to comedy?

[1:12:23] Yeah.

[1:12:24] This was the day the clown cried for him.

[1:12:28] So talking about Dorf, what do we do now, Dan?

[1:12:31] Now is the moment on the podcast

[1:12:33] where we recommend movies that we actually like.

[1:12:35] Anyway, I got a movie, it's called Dorf Goes Fishing.

[1:12:36] Sure.

[1:12:37] It's called Norm of the Dorf.

[1:12:39] There's a hilarious scene where Dorf is fishing

[1:12:41] with his wife and she knocks him over the side of the boat

[1:12:44] with the cooler and he falls in the water.

[1:12:47] And it's like, Dorf, come on.

[1:12:49] Yeah.

[1:12:50] Okay, kick your legs and get, oh.

[1:12:52] Ooh, they're just knees.

[1:12:54] Yeah.

[1:12:56] So are we recommending movies that we actually liked?

[1:12:58] Yeah.

[1:12:59] Okay.

[1:13:00] Unlike Norm of the Norf.

[1:13:00] So what are you gonna fire us up with, Dan?

[1:13:02] Why am I first?

[1:13:04] I don't know.

[1:13:05] Because you're the boss, the leader of the group.

[1:13:07] Well, the thing is-

[1:13:08] As Raphael is erroneously credited with

[1:13:10] in that Ninja Turtles rap.

[1:13:11] Yeah.

[1:13:12] I shouldn't have burned two recommendations last time.

[1:13:17] Got nothing this time.

[1:13:19] Should not have done, Dan.

[1:13:20] Dan looks under a piece of paper,

[1:13:22] hoping that there's a movie there.

[1:13:23] Maybe there's a movie underneath this.

[1:13:25] Hold on, I'm gonna go, I'm literally gonna go look

[1:13:28] at the diary that I keep of movies that I watch.

[1:13:30] I used to do that and I haven't been able to do it, Dan.

[1:13:32] The diary, current page.

[1:13:34] The guys are coming over and they're my best friends.

[1:13:36] I hope they don't make fun of my mispronouncing of words.

[1:13:39] I hope they don't make fun of the fact

[1:13:41] that I have a diary of movies.

[1:13:44] I'm gonna go first then.

[1:13:45] I am gonna recommend a movie called Shallow Grave.

[1:13:50] It's, I think, the debut film from director Danny Boyle.

[1:13:54] It stars a young Ewan McGregor and Christopher Eccleston,

[1:13:58] who you may know as one of them Doctor Who.

[1:14:01] And it's about three roommates who get a fourth roommate,

[1:14:07] who's a little weird and then mysteriously dies.

[1:14:11] And as they, after discovering the body,

[1:14:13] they find that this roommate has a bunch of money

[1:14:18] and they make, come up with a plan to keep the money.

[1:14:23] But leave the cannoli.

[1:14:24] And everything kind of escalates

[1:14:27] as their kind of true characters kind of come to light.

[1:14:32] And it's a great, tense little thriller

[1:14:34] from a talented director.

[1:14:37] I'm gonna recommend another tense little thriller

[1:14:40] from a talented director.

[1:14:41] What's that?

[1:14:42] It's one that I think might have been recommended

[1:14:44] on the podcast before.

[1:14:45] Maybe by me, maybe by Dan, I don't know.

[1:14:47] But I recently watched, for the first time in a long time,

[1:14:50] because I hadn't seen it in a while,

[1:14:52] Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat,

[1:14:53] starring Tallulah Bankhead and Hume Cronin

[1:14:56] and a bunch of, William Bendix, a bunch of other people.

[1:14:59] Canada Lee is in it.

[1:15:00] But anyway, it's a movie that, if for anyone doesn't know,

[1:15:04] it's about a bunch of people.

[1:15:05] During World War II,

[1:15:06] their ship is torpedoed by a German U-boat

[1:15:08] and they're trapped in a lifeboat to survive

[1:15:11] and don't know quite what to do or who they can trust.

[1:15:14] And I'd seen this movie a few times, but hadn't in years,

[1:15:17] and I kind of remembered it as like

[1:15:19] lighter, kind of a larky Hitchcock.

[1:15:21] And watching it again,

[1:15:22] I had forgotten what a bleak film it is.

[1:15:24] Like, there's a lot of death in it.

[1:15:26] There's very much a sense that,

[1:15:30] the Nazi threat and how the rest of the world

[1:15:32] has been taken by surprise by it,

[1:15:34] even just among these characters.

[1:15:36] And it was just like a really tense movie

[1:15:39] in a way that I didn't remember it being.

[1:15:41] So I was like, lifeboat,

[1:15:42] you're a much better movie than I remember.

[1:15:44] So, but what made you watch it again?

[1:15:46] If you thought it was kind of a light lark,

[1:15:48] were you just like,

[1:15:49] hoping to kick back with a couple of brews and some friends?

[1:15:51] I was like, this is gonna be hilarious.

[1:15:54] Let's have a laugh boat with lifeboat.

[1:15:57] This is not an interesting story.

[1:15:58] My wife wanted to watch a Hitchcock

[1:16:00] that she'd never seen before.

[1:16:00] So spice it up a little bit.

[1:16:02] Well, we were playing Silver Surfer and Alicia Masters.

[1:16:05] And she's like, I'm Alicia Masters, so I can't see,

[1:16:07] so describe the movie to me.

[1:16:09] But we were, she wanted to see a Hitchcock

[1:16:11] that she hadn't seen before.

[1:16:13] And I somehow have two DVD copies of lifeboat

[1:16:15] from different releases.

[1:16:16] And you had to use one up.

[1:16:18] Yeah.

[1:16:20] And so we watched lifeboat.

[1:16:22] It was either that,

[1:16:22] or we were also possibly gonna watch,

[1:16:28] well, I can't remember what the other one was

[1:16:30] that we were probably gonna watch.

[1:16:31] Okay.

[1:16:32] So Dan, edit that out.

[1:16:33] You're right, that was a boring story.

[1:16:34] It was a very boring story.

[1:16:36] Dan, continue.

[1:16:38] It took me a while to go back to find a movie

[1:16:40] that I liked well enough to recommend.

[1:16:45] And this one isn't like a huge recommendation,

[1:16:48] but it's a fun movie.

[1:16:49] Dan, you usually recommend movies you watch on planes

[1:16:52] and kind of don't like.

[1:16:53] So I think we'll be okay.

[1:16:55] Yeah, well, the last movie I watched on a plane

[1:16:56] was the overnight,

[1:16:57] which has already been recommended on this podcast

[1:17:00] by I forget who, but I looked it up.

[1:17:01] It wasn't me who had seen it.

[1:17:02] You recommend it as the number one movie to watch

[1:17:05] if you want to see penis

[1:17:06] while sitting next to another person.

[1:17:08] Yeah, if you are on a plane

[1:17:09] and you want to see a scene

[1:17:10] where Adam Scott dances around with his micropenis and-

[1:17:15] What?

[1:17:16] Does he have a micropenis?

[1:17:17] I'm sure it's a fucking prosthetic.

[1:17:20] He's got a serious hog.

[1:17:21] The point of the movie is that he's got a small penis

[1:17:23] and what's his face, Jason Schwartzman,

[1:17:27] in the movie has a really big penis.

[1:17:28] And they're like-

[1:17:29] Like a garden hose.

[1:17:30] And they're like dancing next to each other.

[1:17:32] Yeah, it's like gung hoes.

[1:17:33] For a long time.

[1:17:34] I'm sitting on the plane watching this movie

[1:17:36] and being like-

[1:17:38] Next to Margaret Dumont.

[1:17:39] That's right.

[1:17:40] Oh my, oh.

[1:17:40] And her monocle shatters.

[1:17:42] I can't take it away.

[1:17:46] It's like the kid from the Tin Drum screaming.

[1:17:50] But I'm going to recommend a little movie,

[1:17:53] and it is a very little movie,

[1:17:54] called Sleeping With Other People.

[1:17:56] It stars Jason-

[1:17:57] What, do you watch it on your phone or something?

[1:17:58] Jason Sudeikis, Alison Brie.

[1:18:00] It's a Facebook.

[1:18:02] Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie are the leads.

[1:18:04] It's also got Adam Scott, Natasha Lyonne, Amanda Peet,

[1:18:07] Jason Mansick.

[1:18:08] So how big is his penis in it?

[1:18:09] We never see it.

[1:18:11] I assume it's huge.

[1:18:13] Just a wild hog.

[1:18:14] Yeah, it's like a Shia Lude.

[1:18:18] But it's-

[1:18:18] It's a maker.

[1:18:20] That's spitting out spice.

[1:18:22] It's, you know, Sleeping With Other People

[1:18:24] is basically like romantic comedy plot 4.3,

[1:18:31] where it's two people who have trouble with commitment

[1:18:35] who slept together once a long time ago

[1:18:37] and meet up again and try and just be friends

[1:18:41] and eventually become more than that

[1:18:44] because it is apparent to everyone

[1:18:46] that they should be together.

[1:18:47] And-

[1:18:48] Apparent?

[1:18:49] Like their parents get involved?

[1:18:51] That was really worth the-

[1:18:53] Nope, not worth interrupting.

[1:18:54] Continue.

[1:18:56] But as with everything, it's in the execution,

[1:19:00] whether it's worth watching or not.

[1:19:02] And especially with romantic comedies,

[1:19:04] I think it's how charming you find the leads

[1:19:06] and whether there are some good jokes along the way.

[1:19:09] And I liked both of those things in this movie.

[1:19:12] And it's the perfect sort of movie that maybe,

[1:19:15] I don't know, maybe you're a little hungover,

[1:19:16] maybe you're a little tired on a Sunday morning.

[1:19:18] You just want to lie on the couch and watch something.

[1:19:20] Sleeping With Other People

[1:19:21] is the kind of thing you might want to watch.

[1:19:23] Is it like there's no strings attached

[1:19:25] or friends with benefits?

[1:19:28] It's like-

[1:19:28] Or drinking buddies.

[1:19:29] One of those that was good.

[1:19:31] Yeah, the one with Justin Timberlake.

[1:19:33] Yeah, that was the good one.

[1:19:35] Or drinking buddies, yeah.

[1:19:37] I would put it in the same sort of level as those movies.

[1:19:42] Yeah, that's it.

[1:19:43] Woo-wee, we got three recommendations out of this.

[1:19:46] Three for three, everybody,

[1:19:47] and three very different types of movies.

[1:19:49] Okay, we can finally return to our eternal slumber.

[1:19:52] Yeah, our work on Earth having been finished,

[1:19:56] we will now ascend to heaven and the crypt.

[1:19:58] Until the unseen.

[1:20:00] cat comes a-diggin' again and disturbs our tomb.

[1:20:04] Mm-hmm. Spills the blood of three nerds to awaken us.

[1:20:08] But until that horrid time,

[1:20:12] I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:16] And I'll still be Elliot Kalin even when you listen to this.

[1:20:20] Creepy. Great. Check out other MaxFunShows. Thanks. Please. MaxFunHasGreatShows.

[1:20:24] Check them out. Bye.

[1:20:30] Dan, can you put that in archive.org?

[1:20:34] Just three friends making jokes.

[1:20:38] Making out. I guess. I've seen that video, but we weren't the friends.

[1:20:42] They did live together. Mm-hmm.

[1:20:46] One's named Joey. The other, that name is Monica.

[1:20:50] And the third name, I don't know, Gunther?

[1:20:54] You've seen that site WeLiveTogether about the old people in a home?

[1:20:58] They live in a building together. It's a site?

[1:21:02] Well, it's a closed-circuit camera to make sure your elderly relative is doing okay.

[1:21:06] It's like a web ring, yeah. Remember those?

[1:21:10] Oh, boy. Web rings?

[1:21:14] Yeah, you scroll to the bottom of the page, and it's like, click on...

[1:21:18] If you want to see more Cindy Crawford pictures, click on this.

[1:21:22] It was like, you really like reading about Lord of the Rings stuff on the OneRing.net.

[1:21:26] Or you can go to another site that is Lord of the Rings-themed.

[1:21:30] And how about onion rings? You guys remember those? Mm-hmm.

[1:21:34] Instead of french fries?

[1:21:38] Hey, you like T-shirts, right?

[1:21:42] How about a mug? Are your walls looking a little bare?

[1:21:46] Visit MaxFunStore.com and cover all of these bases and more.

[1:21:50] We just added some amazing new shirts and posters.

[1:21:54] So visit today and outfit your home and torso with the freshest MaxFun merch.

[1:21:58] MaxFunStore.com

Ep.# 208 - Norm of the North

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