Ep. #213 - Christian Mingle

[0:00] Tonight on The Flophouse, we watched Christian Mingle.

[0:03] So we watched Christian's mingling.

[0:05] No, we watched Christian Mingle.

[0:08] Is that a guy named Christian?

[0:10] Mm-hmm.

[0:11] His last name is Mingle?

[0:12] That's right.

[0:12] From Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Mingle.

[0:14] Fifty Shades of Mingle.

[0:15] Stuart?

[0:17] That's all.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:52] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:54] And I'm Elliot Kalin. No need to sound like I don't know my own name.

[0:59] Because I remember it.

[1:00] Stuart, are you doing okay?

[1:01] I'm doing a bit, dude.

[1:02] Come on.

[1:03] Why are you going to call me out on it?

[1:04] It's a character I'm working.

[1:05] What's the name of the character?

[1:07] Stuart Wellington.

[1:09] See, you took a moment.

[1:10] You wrote your name there.

[1:11] That's good.

[1:12] I like this character.

[1:12] He's a cool new dude.

[1:13] It's like slight inconvenience memento guy.

[1:16] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17] Well, you know, he's got a lot on his mind.

[1:18] He's thinking about some high concept stuff.

[1:20] High concept stuff?

[1:23] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:23] Like Christopher Nolan movie plots.

[1:25] A cop, not a cop movie?

[1:28] Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's pitched right down the middle at Joe Everyman, comma, the plumber.

[1:35] Okay.

[1:37] Cop, not a cop.

[1:39] That's a CBS show.

[1:40] That's every show.

[1:41] So it'll be a high concept.

[1:43] We'll give you an FX show.

[1:44] Oh, an FX show?

[1:45] Well, it's got to be a little bit badass.

[1:48] If it's a comedy, it's got to be both a little bit edgy, a little bit sexy, and it also has to feature characters that you don't really like that much.

[1:57] But they're sexy and funny, so you want to be around them for 30 to 40 minutes.

[2:01] It could also be if it's FX, then it's like, hey, are you a pudgy white comedian who's depressed?

[2:06] Get a show on FX.

[2:08] Wow.

[2:09] Is that the ad?

[2:10] That's the slogan, yeah.

[2:11] Oh, wow.

[2:12] So this is a podcast.

[2:17] Where we talk about TV shows.

[2:19] Where we just rag on people who are more successful than us.

[2:21] Yeah, that's mostly it.

[2:23] But then also we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:25] Okay.

[2:26] And this month...

[2:27] I'll bite.

[2:27] This month...

[2:29] Yeah, he's going to bite it.

[2:30] Don't bite it.

[2:32] Please.

[2:34] Okay, so this month is what month, Dan?

[2:37] Small-timber.

[2:37] Small-vember.

[2:38] Small-vember, the month when we go to small, lower-budgeted movies,

[2:42] smaller films, as opposed to the big Hollywood blockbusters

[2:46] and knockworsts that we normally go after.

[2:48] Yep, and if people get fucking...

[2:49] Knockworsts?

[2:50] Yeah, I'm thinking about meat.

[2:51] All right.

[2:52] And if people get a little bit pissed at us for, you know,

[2:56] riling them up, they

[2:58] can't take us to big-time court. We have to go to

[3:00] small claims court. Because they're

[3:02] small movies. The court where the judge is a little

[3:04] kid. Yeah. And we drive there

[3:06] in our micro-machines.

[3:07] Do we have to talk real fast the

[3:10] whole time? That's right.

[3:11] I can't do it, though, so I won't

[3:14] give you an example. Alright.

[3:16] I feel like that was a natural setup for something

[3:18] that I... Here's an idea for a cop movie.

[3:20] The spirit is willing, but the flesh is

[3:22] unable to do. Somebody is killing

[3:24] voiceover artists in Hollywood.

[3:26] okay starts michael winslow's the first it's like scream where you think the big star is michael

[3:31] winslow but he's killed off in the first scene so yeah so it's michael winslow nolan north so yeah

[3:36] so a billy west and like so bobby frank walker so me a frank so bobby mcfarren and the micro

[3:43] machines guy have to team up warburton i guess so i mean i guess he's kind of straddles the line a

[3:49] little bit yeah he's a crossover artist kind of started as an on-camera actor as far as i can tell

[3:53] so uh i guess like john dimaggio i guess would be one of them maybe but so so pat so bobby mcfarren

[4:00] and the micro machines guy who doesn't even have a name he's just called mike m machines guy uh

[4:06] they have like what about yardley smith no because it's not yardley it's yardley she's got a real

[4:13] she's also again an on-screen camera career maximum overdrive herman's head all sorts of

[4:17] stuff so i'm just not doing this i'm not doing this game right wasn't she in the opening of

[4:21] city slickers too i believe that is the co-worker that daniel stern was sleeping with or is that

[4:27] somebody else that sounds familiar guys if i had a little miniature portable computer in my pocket

[4:32] that i could look at this up on and also make calls and take pictures that i could look at this

[4:35] up i do it but i can't uh so anyway bobby mcfarren and the micro machines guy they're on the case but

[4:42] they can't stand each other partly because micro machines guy talks fast bobby mcfarren he's like

[4:48] don't worry be happy let's talk slow they literally can't communicate and they have to

[4:53] teach each other their own special brands of talking see stewart that's high concept okay

[4:59] that sounds pretty great and it's called double talk just isn't that already a dennis rodman

[5:07] and i want to double team okay actually that's not even double team is the one where it's two

[5:12] jean-claude van damme's the one where it's stephen seagal and dennis rodman is i think the glitter

[5:16] man nope no nope that's uh the glimmer man no that's keenan i remember isn't it uh so you know

[5:24] what this one i'm looking up do i'm not looking up the other one it's not the january man simon

[5:29] says simon says dennis rodman action okay so while he's doing that let's vamp a little bit dan what

[5:37] do we do on this podcast normally uh we watch a bad movie team you know what i was wrong i was

[5:41] wrong was okay so now i guess i first i'm admitting i was wrong for a month so what was

[5:47] the one where jean-claude van damme was twins the double impact double impact oh okay and this is

[5:52] double team because i like it's called double team i guess because there's two guys unlike

[5:57] other movies where just one one or three rodman who's on his team there's two guys and there's

[6:03] only one bad guy so they're double teaming which is a foul it's quite foul okay yeah

[6:10] Are they boning together?

[6:13] Is that what you mean by they're double teaming?

[6:15] I don't know.

[6:16] They're both punching him at the same time.

[6:18] Why does it have to be sexual?

[6:20] Guys, we've lost track of what we're talking about,

[6:22] which is that it's small vampire.

[6:23] When we look at smaller movies as opposed to big budget movies,

[6:27] they're bad movies and we talk about them.

[6:29] And so, Dan, what movie did we watch this time

[6:32] as if it wasn't announced earlier?

[6:33] We watched a movie called Christian Mingle.

[6:36] Now, hold on a second.

[6:37] And I thought that was a website like fear.com or dsnyderstreams.com.

[6:41] Oh, that explains why the picture we were watching never changed.

[6:44] It was just a bunch of little headshots of various people.

[6:46] Yeah, I thought we review movies on this podcast, Dan, not websites.

[6:52] Not dating websites.

[6:53] That would be a good fucking idea for a podcast

[6:56] if someone just tried every dating method and reviewed each one of them.

[7:00] I mean, it's not too far from Oh No Ross and Carrie,

[7:04] which is found on the MaxFun Network.

[7:06] That's true, yeah.

[7:07] So if you do a lot, theirs is more like weirdo cures and cults and things.

[7:11] Yeah, I mean, theirs is better.

[7:12] So, Dan, which dating site would you test first?

[7:17] Adult Friend Finder.

[7:19] I know that's the one you'd go for.

[7:20] Or that one where the pop-up ads come up that just say, like, lonely married women in your neighborhood.

[7:27] Uh-huh.

[7:27] That's when you're just browsing around Pornhub making sure that there's plenty of Ben 10 alien force.

[7:33] I'm going to lay in on that.

[7:34] What?

[7:36] That is not a situation I've ever even imagined.

[7:38] You type in tune porn, and you're like, why are you even typing in porn?

[7:45] You're on Pornhub.

[7:46] It should be.

[7:47] I don't want any non-porn cartoons showing up here.

[7:51] For all I know, someone's using this to bootleg Mary Melody.

[7:54] It's not a one.

[7:55] Oh, look, it's the old mill.

[7:56] I don't want to watch that.

[7:57] I want to watch something with boobs in it.

[7:59] I guess duckamuck again.

[8:03] Yeah, you fulfill the social contract.

[8:06] No, the skeleton dance.

[8:07] There's not even any skin on them.

[8:09] You can't see anything.

[8:10] I guess if the most nude something can be is if they're a skeleton.

[8:15] I guess I'll just have this duck season, wabbit season cartoon.

[8:18] I'll just call a threesome between Daffy and Bugs and Elmer and I'll just go at it.

[8:22] I'll try and masturbate to this.

[8:25] Because if nothing, because it really is in the trying that we succeed.

[8:32] I guess what you're saying is

[8:35] man's reach should always exceed

[8:37] his grasp when it comes to masturbating.

[8:39] And that

[8:40] you gotta keep your penis

[8:42] in the sand to keep reaching for the

[8:45] stars. When there's only one

[8:47] set of penis tracks on the sand.

[8:49] Okay, now it's like

[8:51] Christian Mingle, okay.

[8:52] Yeah, he goes, I was

[8:55] drinking you the whole time. Dan,

[8:57] that's blasphemous, but not to me.

[8:59] It's horrible. So what's this movie?

[9:01] Christian Mingle, is it based on the website?

[9:03] Yeah, Dan.

[9:04] Or was it just inspired by?

[9:05] Yeah, I don't know.

[9:07] Well, I'm not a producer of Christian Mingle, so I don't know.

[9:11] The weirdest thing was to find in the credits that it was written and directed by Corbin

[9:14] Bernson.

[9:15] So I got a lot to say about Corbin Bernson.

[9:17] Lay it on us.

[9:18] Writer and director of Christian Mingle.

[9:20] So Corbin Bernson is also arguably the star of Major League.

[9:23] You guys want to argue that with me?

[9:25] Very arguable.

[9:26] I mean, there's one Charles Sheen who I think would take that.

[9:29] Yeah, or Wesley Snipes or Tom Perringer.

[9:31] But Tom Barringer is the one with the romantic plot, right?

[9:34] Yeah, Corbin Bernson's like the snotty guy.

[9:37] So he's not the hero at all?

[9:39] No, he's like the snobby guy.

[9:40] But I mean, it depends on what you consider to be hero.

[9:43] We use loose definitions in my house.

[9:45] So Major League was my next-door neighbor's favorite movie growing up.

[9:50] I watched that movie so many fucking times.

[9:52] Very tenuous connection to what we're talking about.

[9:54] And my neighbor, Justin Skelton, which sounds a lot like skeleton.

[9:58] True.

[9:59] But it was not spelled like skeleton.

[10:00] Save it for Shocktober.

[10:01] So he's also the kid who I would always talk about watching Roseanne

[10:08] because it was a great show.

[10:09] And his parents wouldn't let him watch it.

[10:10] You're getting farther and farther away.

[10:13] What?

[10:13] Farther and farther in a widening gyre.

[10:16] The falcon cannot hear the falconer, Dan.

[10:19] We're slouching towards Bethlehem.

[10:21] The sinner cannot hold.

[10:23] But he told me that he and his family did not watch Roseanne because it was –

[10:29] Things fall apart, Dan.

[10:30] It's scientific.

[10:31] He wouldn't watch Roseanne because, and I quote,

[10:34] it was a bum show.

[10:36] Like, he wouldn't watch it because it represents...

[10:39] Oh, that's a magazine I found in my dad's drawer once.

[10:41] Bum show.

[10:42] That's a really nice way to put that, that type of magazine.

[10:46] Yeah.

[10:47] Yeah, yeah, it was classic.

[10:48] It was a British magazine.

[10:49] Bum show.

[10:50] But it was just the weirdest thing.

[10:50] It was in that larger tabloid format.

[10:52] But like...

[10:54] So what is the subject of Corbin Burtz?

[10:56] He was in Major League, the star.

[10:59] okay i'm going to uh i'm going to just call an audible on this yeah all again on the red card

[11:05] you're in the penalty box i'm vetoing that story i take my beer to the penalty box with me yeah

[11:11] sure go ahead pelican box the pelican box yeah like just like with uh uh julia roberts and denzel

[11:18] washington the pelican box that movie where they got to find the trapped in a box of pelicans oh i

[11:23] thought it was they lost a pelican in a box they got to go to the airport to pick it up all right

[11:27] yeah so christian mingle we can kill a lot of time because despite being a movie that is an

[11:34] hour and 40 minutes long there's not a lot of plot in this movie no and it is the story hilarious

[11:39] tale of one woman's journey to find love and in the end she does find a love the love of christ

[11:44] yeah uh now she is sexy kind of love i don't know check him out come on long hair that beard

[11:52] come on he's fit i'm not gonna i was blasphemous before i'm not gonna i mean the guy the guy is i'm

[11:58] complimenting your god on his ripped abs that i've seen hanging from crosses in churches across

[12:04] can i come out of the penalty box guys okay your penalty's done plus dan he's a woodworker you know

[12:09] what that means right eyebrows raising you know you're you ever seen you know you know that diet

[12:16] coke commercial where the ladies all in the office all want to watch that one construction worker

[12:20] to take his shirt off and drink Diet Coke.

[12:22] That was Jesus.

[12:23] Wait, he drinks Diet Coke or they're drinking Diet Coke?

[12:27] They keep going Diet Coke time, Diet Coke break,

[12:29] and he's drinking Diet Coke.

[12:31] But they want to watch him do it

[12:32] because they know he takes his shirt off when he does it.

[12:34] And that's how he got so ripped is drinking all that Diet Coke?

[12:36] Such is the implication of the ad.

[12:39] Although the fact that he works with his hands

[12:41] in a very high-intensity construction job

[12:43] and is, let's face it, a gym rat.

[12:46] Yeah, he's got to work out

[12:47] because he wants to maintain his following.

[12:49] Oh, of course, yeah.

[12:50] That was a big get for Diet Coke, to have Jesus endorse your product.

[12:54] It was huge, and it did not sit well with God the Father,

[12:58] who was very unhappy that Jesus was going off-brand like that

[13:01] and endorsing a marketable product.

[13:05] Usually he just endorses wine and fishes, but no specific wine or fish.

[13:11] No, no, just the generic brand.

[13:12] How do you feel about RC Cola, a.k.a. Risen Christ Cola?

[13:16] I don't think that's what that stands for.

[13:20] Okay.

[13:20] You're thinking of J.C. Penney, Jesus Christ Penney's, the department store.

[13:28] So it stars Lacey Chabert.

[13:34] I'm just imagining BJ and the Bear if that show is Blowjob and the Bear.

[13:38] Why?

[13:39] Why is that popping in your head?

[13:41] We're talking about initials.

[13:43] Is that like the bear from, wait, was it a bear or a dog?

[13:46] It was a chimp named Bear.

[13:48] In The Shining.

[13:49] So in The Shining, it was a bear suit, right?

[13:52] Yeah, that's a BJ and the Bear.

[13:54] Right there, Dan.

[13:55] I imagine an actual bear whenever I imagine this magical 70s show, BJ and the Bear.

[13:59] No, it was about a chimp.

[14:00] Oh, okay.

[14:01] Who was with a trucker.

[14:02] All right.

[14:03] Are we ready to start the podcast?

[14:04] I don't think we are.

[14:06] This is all the bullshit we put in.

[14:07] But I think Stuart has made a very important point that that scene in The Shining should be called BJ and the Bear.

[14:12] Yeah, it's in the, if you go to the DVD menu.

[14:17] That's why Shelley Duvall screams when she sees it.

[14:20] She's like, I'm missing my favorite show.

[14:21] So this movie stars Lacey Chabert, formerly star of what, Party of Five?

[14:27] And she is one of the mean girls, right?

[14:30] And she's one of the mean girls.

[14:31] She lives in any city USA, the most generic city I've ever seen in a movie.

[14:36] I could see no identifying location marks.

[14:38] Anyone in listening, if you've seen this movie, tell me right in.

[14:42] Tell us where it's set because I am curious.

[14:44] It looks like they built a city on rock and roll in the middle of nowhere that nobody lives in just to shoot this movie.

[14:52] Yeah.

[14:53] It's like Canadian Pittsburgh is what it looks like.

[14:57] Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

[14:59] Yeah.

[14:59] And so she's an advertising executive.

[15:02] She works at Maritime Advertising.

[15:04] Located in the sprawling metropolis of where?

[15:08] Of somewhere.

[15:09] And it's run by Stephen Tobolowsky.

[15:14] who is... In a scene-stealing

[15:17] performance. Oh yeah, he's really trying.

[15:19] Of all the actors in the movie, he is working

[15:20] the hardest to make anything he's saying

[15:23] interesting. And the whole

[15:24] quirky thing is that he

[15:26] acts like he's a naval officer.

[15:28] The movie seems

[15:31] to think that it's quirkier than it is.

[15:32] We're watching

[15:34] a very...

[15:36] We're watching a Hallmark

[15:37] Lifetime-type movie that seems

[15:40] to think that it's I Heart Huckabees.

[15:43] And Stephen Tolblasky is looking full on like somebody put Wallace Shawn in like a rack

[15:50] and stretched him out real tall.

[15:51] Now, there's a great...

[15:54] They should do a remake of Twins for the two of them.

[15:56] Seems much more believable than the original Twins.

[16:00] Seems a little weird because they're both the sexy twin now.

[16:02] Yeah, they're both the hot one.

[16:04] They can't get the ladies away.

[16:05] I would love to see a...

[16:07] It still ends the same with them dropping a giant chain on the bad guy.

[16:13] One of those movies, Twins, where you're just like, why did there have to be a bad guy in this movie?

[16:18] Yeah, why was there a criminal plot?

[16:21] Yeah, isn't the comedy just that they're mismatched twins?

[16:24] The same, well, Arnold Schwarzenegger's an action star, Dan.

[16:27] He hadn't yet entered his junior phase where he could just be funny, you know?

[16:32] It's the same way that you had all those TV movies in the 80s where characters from a sitcom would go to England or France, somewhere in Europe, and they'd get mixed up with spies.

[16:41] And he was like, look, I like the Family Ties characters.

[16:44] I'm curious to see what happens to them in a foreign country.

[16:46] I don't need them to be interacting with spies.

[16:49] Like, why is there a drug operation in Hawaii?

[16:52] I mean, people love to get high there.

[16:55] It's called Ha-Hi.

[16:57] That's, yeah, leave that one on the editing floor.

[17:01] Put that on the cutting room floor and then stomp on it.

[17:03] Maybe light it on fire.

[17:04] Christian Mingle.

[17:06] So, Stephen Tobolowsky's ad agency is actually not that important in it.

[17:09] Turns out Lacey Chabert is the last of her friends to be engaged or married.

[17:13] The last of her kind.

[17:14] She's really feeling it, maybe because she lives above a clock store.

[17:17] And so it's just a reminder every day that she's running out of time before her eggs curdle.

[17:22] And she's like, I've got to do something.

[17:26] I'm desperate.

[17:26] I'll even use the internet because Christian Mingle in this world that it exists in,

[17:32] it buys up so much ad time on television.

[17:35] Every time she turns on the TV, there's a Christian Mingle ad.

[17:37] So there's two things that really are upsetting kind of off the bat in this premise.

[17:43] Number one is that Lacey Chabert chooses to go immediately to Christian Mingle as her online dating of choice.

[17:52] I mean, well, the main upsetting thing is that...

[17:54] In this world, that's her only option that we're given.

[17:57] Is that an attractive young woman with a successful career who is always wearing low-cut tops can't find a man who's worthy of hanging around, you know?

[18:05] But it seems like from what we see of the exposition.

[18:09] I mean, what's wrong with these guys, you know?

[18:10] I know.

[18:11] I mean, we're not really introduced to too many potential suitors.

[18:15] We see one suitor at the beginning of the movie who can't make eye contact with her.

[18:19] He keeps looking at these three women who are standing at the bar near that restaurant.

[18:22] He's kind of like a Vincent Gallo type.

[18:24] And it is literally, yeah, I can see that.

[18:26] It's literally a bird in the hand, three birds in the bush situation.

[18:30] Where he's like, I'm with this one woman.

[18:33] I think I can bag three women at once.

[18:35] Gotta go.

[18:36] Yeah.

[18:36] And I have to assume it did not work.

[18:38] And I can, although it sounds like a much more entertaining movie following his story.

[18:41] Sure, come on.

[18:42] I guess he attempts to desperately.

[18:44] It's a real after hours type plot.

[18:46] You know, who knows where it's going to lead him in the dark netherworld of city TBD.

[18:51] This metropolis with no name.

[18:55] But she's worked her way through all of her friends' friends and her friend's husband's friends is what we learn in Expedition.

[19:01] Probably her friend's husband's, too.

[19:03] Oh, wow.

[19:04] I mean, she's a liar.

[19:06] We see it throughout the film.

[19:07] She is very comfortable lying.

[19:08] And at least at the beginning of the movie, it begins godless.

[19:11] Extremely so.

[19:12] She's a harlot.

[19:15] So her only option, whoa, dude.

[19:17] I thought that was a little harsh.

[19:19] No, come on.

[19:20] She's apostate, certainly.

[19:21] I think that, okay.

[19:22] But the point is.

[19:23] But now you're shaming her, and I don't appreciate that.

[19:26] Dan, when she goes to hell, it's because she doesn't love Christ in her heart.

[19:30] It's not because she's shameless with her body.

[19:32] Because you know what?

[19:34] God gave her that to enjoy.

[19:35] Okay.

[19:37] Maybe you'd like to come to my church on Sunday.

[19:39] It's called the Church of Sex.

[19:40] It's on Cinemax on Sundays.

[19:42] Okay.

[19:43] It seems these parishioners have a lot of sexy problems,

[19:46] and only the sex priest can help her.

[19:48] It's always a her.

[19:50] Oh, all right.

[19:51] Also, the sex priest is a woman.

[19:52] Does the sex priest, like, tell these stories?

[19:53] Is that the sermons?

[19:56] No, it's confessionals.

[19:58] The sex priest gets in the confessional and says,

[20:00] And it's, bless me.

[20:02] Yep, come on, let's see if you can pull this out.

[20:05] When the father, I guess, for I have sinned,

[20:07] it's been seven days since I last had sex,

[20:09] let me tell you the story.

[20:10] Then it's just a sex scene.

[20:11] And then it comes back to the lady priest,

[20:14] and she's like, mm-hmm.

[20:15] Tell me more.

[20:16] The lady priest describes another sex scene,

[20:18] and then they have sex, the priest and the other person.

[20:21] Now, there's a lady priest character.

[20:22] It's called Erotic Confessionals.

[20:23] Now, you know, I hate to take a job away from an actress,

[20:28] but I still think it should be played by David Duchovny in drag.

[20:31] From Twin Peaks.

[20:32] Yeah, he's got the chops.

[20:33] That's the first time he's done it.

[20:34] The director of House of D?

[20:36] Yeah, definitely.

[20:36] So, Dan, as you can tell, that premise ran out of steam pretty quickly.

[20:42] Let's go back to the movie.

[20:43] No, what I was saying, though, was—

[20:44] Again, throw it on the cutting room floor.

[20:45] So she's gone through everyone that she knows personally,

[20:48] so clearly the next logical step is to leap straight to Christian Mingle,

[20:53] the Christian-specific dating site.

[20:56] Well, it's 2014, Dan.

[20:57] It's crazy for people to meet on the Internet.

[20:59] Well, that's the other thing that's so infuriating about this movie that I was going to get to,

[21:02] is that everyone seems to act like it's the worst thing in the world that she's Internet dating.

[21:06] They all act as if it is crazy and not, I would have to assume, one of the top three ways people meet people now.

[21:15] Yeah, they're like, wait, you use the Internet for dating?

[21:18] I only use that for getting my Blue Apron deliveries.

[21:20] I only use it for running local bookstores out of business.

[21:27] I love the voice for you.

[21:28] It's my only way to receive my Casper mattresses.

[21:31] I only use it to find gold nuggets.

[21:32] There's internet in them there computers.

[21:35] Now, I thought I was bemused by this, but also a little insulted considering I met my wife online, and that was 11 years ago that we met.

[21:46] So that was back when people did think it was weird to date online, and when her parents – when she told her parents, oh, I went on a date with a guy who says he's a producer at The Daily Show, they thought I was a murderer who was going to kill her.

[21:57] That was not the case.

[21:58] She's still alive today, and I have the Emmys to prove to her parents

[22:01] that I did, in fact, work on The Daily Show.

[22:04] Do we have proof that she's still alive, Elliot?

[22:06] Well, she's right here.

[22:08] Hi, guys.

[22:09] How are you doing?

[22:10] Well, I guess it checks out.

[22:12] Yeah, yeah.

[22:12] I can't see her, but I can hear her voice.

[22:15] I mean, she's wearing sunglasses, and when I pull this pulley string,

[22:18] her arm goes up and waves at you,

[22:21] and whenever samba music plays, she gets up and dances.

[22:24] Yep.

[22:25] And those hitmen, those cocaine-related hitmen that keep showing up that swear she was dead before are out of luck.

[22:34] They're disappointed.

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:35] So anyway, I feel bad that I turned one of the worst scenarios I can think of, the loss of my spouse, into a weekend at Bernie's.

[22:44] Yeah, hilarious farce.

[22:45] Yeah.

[22:46] So let's keep going.

[22:47] But anyway, she decides to go to Christian Mingle because why not?

[22:51] You know what?

[22:51] She was probably raised Christian in some capacity.

[22:54] But this is also a world where people take Christianity very seriously.

[22:58] They are either believers or not believers.

[23:01] And never the twain shall meet unless you're Lacey Chabert and you're lying to your new boyfriend, Paul Wood, who is not a porno guy.

[23:11] Yep, just like Cool World.

[23:12] Exactly.

[23:13] But she meets this guy.

[23:15] He's cute.

[23:16] He's kind of boring and bland.

[23:18] He's really toot toot.

[23:19] I bet he smells like juicy root.

[23:22] Just like a song.

[23:23] Yep.

[23:24] Anyway, he's just kind of a bland guy you could easily see being in a relationship with,

[23:30] and he's not going to make jokes, but he'll kind of laugh politely at your jokes.

[23:32] They have a super awkward date.

[23:34] Very awkward coffee date.

[23:35] Oh, that was the other fucking thing.

[23:36] I mean, like, they have an awkward coffee date, but then they go for sushi,

[23:39] and Paul acts like sushi.

[23:42] Like, this movie might as well have been from the early 80s, the way that they treat sushi.

[23:48] Like, what raw fish?

[23:50] He's so disgusted by it.

[23:52] I don't understand it.

[23:53] It's like that scene in The Boyfriend Academy.

[23:55] A.K.A. Don't Tell Her It's Me.

[23:57] Where they're having that weird dinner with Jamie Girtz and Steve Guttenberg.

[24:02] And she looks down at her food and it's like wiggling around and squirting and making farty sounds.

[24:07] But it's like the movie equates, I guess, being Christian with just like being an all-around rube.

[24:15] Don't worry, Dan.

[24:16] There's also this amazing comic timing where he puts a piece of fish in his mouth and then chews it for five minutes.

[24:22] making almost no facial expression,

[24:24] and she's like,

[24:25] uh, are you enjoying it?

[24:27] And then it cuts back to him,

[24:28] and we watch him chew for another five minutes,

[24:30] and then it cuts back to her,

[24:32] and then it cuts back to me sitting on the couch,

[24:33] and I'm like, Elliot, why am I still alive?

[24:35] Am I trapped in some kind of weird new region?

[24:38] Elliot, have I taken drugs that expand my sense of time?

[24:41] You're saying Corbin Bernson is a master of pacing,

[24:44] which is why when I thought there was five minutes left in the movie,

[24:47] and Dan pressed the pause button,

[24:49] and I saw there was 25 minutes left in the movie,

[24:51] I was ready to break his television.

[24:54] There are horror movies that have not had a scarier reveal than that moment.

[24:58] It was like we had gotten...

[25:03] It's like we looked over and there was a fourth person in the room.

[25:06] And he's like, I've been making this podcast all nine years, dude.

[25:09] It was like my doctor had called me up and was like, oh, by the way, you're dying.

[25:14] Gotta go.

[25:14] Like, that's how I felt in that moment.

[25:16] The doctor's very busy.

[25:21] Oh, and that's why he's calling me so late at night.

[25:22] He's got so many people to call to tell that they're dying.

[25:24] It'd be like if we said, who paused the movie and Dan says, not me.

[25:27] And there's a fucking ghost with not me written on his chest running away from us with a weird dotted line.

[25:33] Oh, that sounds adorable.

[25:34] Did little Billy do the strip today?

[25:37] Let's cut to the chase.

[25:41] Let's talk about this movie real fast.

[25:42] At the same time, the parallel plot is that Lacey Chappell's boss, Stephen Tobolowsky, has hired J. Peter.

[25:48] The Commodore.

[25:50] He has been hired by John O'Hurley, J. Peterman from Seinfeld, to market this new product, which is a miracle baldness cure that is some kind of blue pill.

[26:01] It's like the three seashells in Demolition Man.

[26:04] They never quite explain how you use it.

[26:06] Do you eat it?

[26:07] Do you rub it on your head?

[26:09] Is it a suppository?

[26:10] I don't think you put it up your butt.

[26:12] I think it's a normal pill style.

[26:14] Dan, what evidence do you have from within the film that you don't put it up your butt?

[26:17] You're right.

[26:18] It's extra textural.

[26:20] I'm not using the...

[26:21] It's very extra textual.

[26:22] I'm not sure what that means, but I like the way you said it.

[26:27] So she's finding she doesn't believe in this product.

[26:31] She thinks that it's wrong, but it's her job to...

[26:34] Yeah, men should be comfortable in their baldness.

[26:36] Yeah, but it's her...

[26:37] That's her main point.

[26:38] But it's her job to slap some lipstick on this turd,

[26:41] and she can't figure it out

[26:42] because she's too busy trying to bone up on Christianity

[26:44] to impress Paul and his very judgmental family.

[26:48] It's weird, though, because for all the effort that she puts into learning about Christian stuff, every time she's quizzed, she's like, what?

[26:55] And drops her Bible on the ground in, like, a big plate of marinara sauce.

[26:59] It was like the Twin Sinners version of Christian Mingle.

[27:05] Yeah, yeah.

[27:06] And so she goes, even when, and I mean, this is a hard part.

[27:10] She's asked to give a prayer after church.

[27:12] Everyone, it's like the characters keep, it's like a snowball going downhill.

[27:17] Each time Paul introduces her to new characters, every scene, those characters show up.

[27:22] Until there's a ridiculously large number of people sitting around two tables at a restaurant called Steak and Cake.

[27:28] That's what I wanted to get to.

[27:29] In which they serve you steak and cake in huge platters at the same time.

[27:33] So you're sitting there with a chocolate cake on a cake stand in the middle of your table.

[27:37] And you're like, what am I supposed to do?

[27:38] Am I supposed to slice off a couple slices of cake and eat the steak in between?

[27:42] With the platter with six steaks on it.

[27:46] First off, they serve it like that?

[27:49] Are you kidding me?

[27:50] I mean, it's a bad way to serve steak, that's for sure.

[27:52] We didn't even see a staff person from this restaurant.

[27:56] Nobody even checked on them.

[27:57] What is going on here?

[27:59] Let me just lay it on the ground.

[28:00] They've got, like, extra steaks on that platter.

[28:02] There's too many steaks for the table.

[28:05] How long have they been sitting there, Elliot?

[28:06] Am I supposed to believe, and this is what bothers me,

[28:09] I'm supposed to believe that in a group of eight or nine people,

[28:12] everyone wants their steak cooked the same way,

[28:16] Excuse me? I go out to dinner with my family.

[28:18] That's three different types of steak cooking.

[28:21] Rare plus for me, medium rare for my brother, and for my wife, medium.

[28:25] And for my dad, chart like a charcoal briquette.

[28:29] He doesn't want any flavor left in that thing.

[28:31] Just feed him some styrofoam painted black.

[28:33] Call it a steak. He's going to love it.

[28:35] The idea that they have a platter of like six or seven steaks for this group,

[28:39] no one knows which one is cooked which, and here's the thing about steak.

[28:43] When it's cooked properly

[28:44] It keeps cooking on the plate

[28:47] Because it's still hot

[28:48] You put those hot steaks together

[28:50] They're going to cook even faster

[28:51] Suddenly they're all well done

[28:53] I didn't want well done

[28:54] I wanted mine pinkish on the inside

[28:56] That's why it's placed next to

[28:57] A weird crystal cake stand

[29:00] With a cake on it

[29:00] Because that crystal cake stand

[29:01] Absorbs some of that heat Elliot

[29:03] And it keeps it at a nice pink

[29:05] That they ordered

[29:06] And it melts that cake

[29:07] Yeah then the cake is all melty

[29:09] Come on

[29:09] Oh it's going to be delicious

[29:10] You want a nice kind of melty cake

[29:12] Also, I'd be lying if I said I'd never had a slice of chocolate cake after eating an entire steak.

[29:16] I've done it many times.

[29:17] But I don't want them right in front of me at the same time.

[29:20] The cake is going to smell like steak and vice versa, Dan.

[29:23] There's one of these quirks that we were talking about, though, in the movie that is thrown in so erratically.

[29:31] Very erratic.

[29:32] And in the previous scene...

[29:34] I'm stealing a Mystery Science Theater joke there.

[29:35] But yeah, it's like the movie will be very, very normal and bland.

[29:40] and then suddenly, boom, they go to this crazy restaurant.

[29:42] Yeah, the restaurant seems like a stupid David Lynch gag

[29:46] out of Twin Peaks all of a sudden.

[29:47] They go to a weird...

[29:50] Or like that part in Gremlins 2

[29:52] where they go to a Canadian restaurant.

[29:54] Where they go to a Canadian restaurant, yeah.

[29:54] And it can't be...

[29:58] It feels like it's intentional.

[30:00] In the previous scene where she's being introduced

[30:04] to Paul's family and Paul's mother says,

[30:07] Have you met R. Kelly, as in our, I guess, daughter named Kelly?

[30:12] A girl, well, it's a friend named Kelly.

[30:13] Friend named Kelly.

[30:14] But you know that, like, they had to have known it would sound like R. Kelly, the urinating songbird that we've all come to know and love.

[30:23] And, of course, she has not met R. Kelly.

[30:27] I mean, he's amazing.

[30:28] We don't know that, though.

[30:29] Maybe she did.

[30:30] She's in advertising.

[30:31] Maybe they tried to get him for a spot.

[30:32] He said, no, I'm sorry.

[30:34] No, thank you.

[30:34] I don't want to sponsor a baldness tour.

[30:36] I'm not bald.

[30:37] And I have enough problems.

[30:39] Right now I'm trapped in this closet.

[30:40] I'm already on this closet organizer campaign.

[30:44] It really fits my brand more.

[30:47] Dan, what were you going to say, though?

[30:49] No, I just, I mean, I think that the movie is not,

[30:51] I think the movie just was like R. Kelly,

[30:53] and they didn't think at any point.

[30:55] Are you implying to me that this movie is so white

[30:58] that they did not, hearing that, they didn't think,

[31:01] oh, yeah, like the famous person named R. Kelly.

[31:03] And then Corbin Brinson's like, famous person?

[31:07] I don't think so.

[31:07] Never heard of him.

[31:08] There's no one more famous than me, Corbin Burke.

[31:10] I'm the most famous person ever.

[31:12] Are you telling me that these people are so white,

[31:15] they haven't even heard the song I Believe I Can Fly,

[31:18] the only song by a black person that every white person has heard,

[31:22] and knows the lyrics to?

[31:23] Are you telling me that Morgan Fairchild,

[31:26] an actress whose last name is basically white person.

[31:29] Are you telling me that Morgan Fairchild,

[31:31] whose first name is the same as Morgan Freeman,

[31:33] thus making her half black,

[31:36] He's never heard of R. Kelly.

[31:37] That's the way it works.

[31:39] That's how names work, right?

[31:40] That's how it works.

[31:43] Your name is a marker of ethnicity.

[31:48] I mean, often, in many cases, it is.

[31:51] Oh, no.

[31:52] But anyway.

[31:53] Because I'm a dirty Mick.

[31:54] Whoa.

[31:55] Whoa.

[31:56] Hey, I can say that.

[31:57] No, you can't.

[31:58] Oh, fuck, dude.

[31:59] This is too much.

[32:01] Rerack it.

[32:02] Start the episode over.

[32:03] So anyway, they go to Steaks and Cakes.

[32:05] She gives a very long, very improv prayer and then finds out, oh, hey, the whole family, which is in the construction business and is very Christian, is going to go to Mexico to help rebuild a village that was attacked by a hurricane.

[32:20] A church.

[32:21] Well, they want to help the whole village, but mainly they want to put the bell back in the bell tower of the church.

[32:25] I guess it's a symbol, yeah.

[32:27] Yeah, save the bell tower.

[32:28] Ever since it was hit by lightning, it stopped.

[32:30] It was a clock tower.

[32:31] You're right.

[32:32] It was a clock tower.

[32:33] It didn't even have a bell in it.

[32:35] The lightning knocked that right out.

[32:36] Yeah.

[32:37] The bell is the old way of telling time.

[32:40] We got a new way.

[32:42] A clock.

[32:43] It's called clocks.

[32:44] We got a state-of-the-art clock.

[32:46] We got a new way.

[32:47] That's right.

[32:48] Whatever town Back to the Future takes place in has walked into the 17th century.

[32:53] Hill Valley.

[32:53] What's it called?

[32:55] Hill Valley.

[32:55] Hill Valley, right.

[32:56] It's the Two Pines Mall.

[32:57] Twin Pines Mall.

[32:59] Twin Pines Mall.

[32:59] Lone Pine Mall.

[33:01] That's kind of a little Easter egg for everybody.

[33:03] But anyway, so in the movie, so Calvin Klein, because he's unaware, so Calvin Klein.

[33:10] Yeah.

[33:11] So she says that.

[33:13] So he goes, oh, well, the whole family's going on a mission for a month in Mexico.

[33:16] And she and he didn't tell her.

[33:17] And she's hurt.

[33:19] And it's at first it seems like there's a parallel here because they both lied to each other.

[33:24] But as I pointed out to you guys, hers, his is a lie of omission.

[33:27] Hers is a lie of deception.

[33:29] she is pretending to be a devout believer in the godhead of the trinity you know whatever

[33:35] i don't know what terminology you guys use and she is not whereas he just called jc

[33:41] you know my buddy jc i mean that's cool i mean that you feel that close to him

[33:46] jeezy uh don't call that he doesn't like that you could even call him jesus because he likes

[33:52] cheese because who doesn't there's a lot i'm a devout believer in jc2 guys john carter of mars

[33:58] When are we getting a sequel?

[34:00] I hate to bring it to you

[34:02] We're never getting a J.C. 2

[34:03] We're getting a trilogy, right?

[34:05] We are

[34:06] There's a lot of scenes we cut out

[34:09] Such as the scene where

[34:11] After the sushi, they're having coffee

[34:13] And he makes an elaborate metaphor about

[34:15] A science experiment he ran as a kid

[34:17] Involving two mice looking for cheese

[34:19] Which it's very clear that

[34:22] Is that the scene where they're walking in front of

[34:24] The hair cutters

[34:25] Barbershop in town?

[34:27] Yeah, and we were so distracted by the extras and wondering what they were doing,

[34:30] partly because they were getting their hair cut at probably like 10 p.m.

[34:33] Yeah, it's barbershop culture in small-town USA.

[34:37] I guess so.

[34:38] This is another one of those movies where the extras were so much more interesting

[34:41] than the main characters.

[34:42] Regardless, she—

[34:44] Like the extras in that scene where she's walking to her office,

[34:47] and she turns like three corners and is walking super slow,

[34:51] and you're like, there's no way.

[34:53] The geometry of this office doesn't work.

[34:56] She would have been back at the front door by now.

[34:57] This is non-Euclidean.

[34:58] Hold on a second.

[34:59] She works at Escher & Associates.

[35:01] She has a very bad pitch meeting in front of J. Peterman.

[35:12] I was trying to figure out, remember what J. Peterman's middle initial is.

[35:15] He doesn't have one.

[35:15] It's just J.

[35:16] J. Peterman stands for Jesus.

[35:19] Oh, wow.

[35:20] She does not have any ideas.

[35:22] She spent too much time boning up on Christ-ianity, even though she seems to have learned nothing, and just kind of worrying about what she's going to do.

[35:30] Her coworker says, hey, Christian Mingle is for believers, real Christians, and you're not a real believer in Christ.

[35:37] She just discarded that advice, clearly.

[35:39] But she hasn't done her job, and so, blank notebook in hand, she proceeds to give two great pitches, one in which she talks about these blue pills as bullets for killing baldness and describes having a gun-shaped dispenser.

[35:52] J. Peterman wisely sets this one aside.

[35:55] He passes.

[35:55] He's like, America doesn't like guns that much.

[35:59] He's like, it's controversial, guns.

[36:02] And it makes sense.

[36:03] He goes, look, I'm being controversial enough by taking on the last taboo, baldness.

[36:08] I can't court any other controversy.

[36:10] This is the third rail of American society, the bald head.

[36:14] It's why men wear hats to cover it, even wigs sometimes, because they're so ashamed of it.

[36:19] Yeah.

[36:20] They wear hats, literally the most despicable type of clothing, just to cover their bald heads.

[36:26] It's the only thing that's more evil than a hat is the bald head it's on top of.

[36:30] And then she gives him another thing where she says, what if it's like, okay, who do we blame?

[36:36] Our creator for making us bald.

[36:38] God, but now he's given us miracle.

[36:41] What does she call it?

[36:42] Heaven's rain?

[36:43] Heaven's rain.

[36:44] She decides to name the product Heaven's rain.

[36:46] Sounds like a really awesome striper.

[36:47] She pours a bunch of pills on Tobo's head.

[36:50] tobo yeah i hope that's what his friends call him i think it is i think it is tobo's head also

[36:57] sounds like the secret beach that the locals know about that nobody else knows about hey man we're

[37:02] gonna go over to tobo's head do some surfing uh you gotta watch because there's a break tied to

[37:09] tobo's head oh you're not gonna come to the bonfire at tobo's head it's how we end every summer uh

[37:14] there's a reef underneath it you don't want to you don't want to take a spill you're gonna get

[37:17] down there you're gonna slice your brains clean out it's your brains slice your brains clean out

[37:23] but it's great surfing so uh she decides at this moment you know what i'm not doing so great i'm

[37:30] gonna go to mexico and join my boyfriend's family her boyfriend calls her and he's like i want you

[37:35] to come to mexico and that's the moment when holding the phone to her ear she looks to her

[37:39] the wall behind her desk and sees the atlas that has been placed there's a map of america mexico

[37:45] so that's the purple country here uh it's only like a few inches away according to this map

[37:54] uh this is also after paul's had a phone conversation with his mother morgan fairchild

[38:01] where morgan fairchild's like i don't trust her she's hiding something and paul says mom you're

[38:06] just trying to manipulate the situation i'm gonna prove you wrong so he invites her to mexico that's

[38:10] a screenwriter showing us that paul's an idiot uh yes because we know that there's something going

[38:15] on and so she goes to mexico packed for vacation she should have packed work clothes because

[38:21] they're gonna be doing a lot of real construction work although we don't see any of that we see

[38:25] them roll some tires into a pile they're rolling a tire tire from two foot two feet over here to

[38:31] two feet over there and they literally are stacking up a series of wooden pallets uh and

[38:38] then they're teaching a bible class to the students there and it's one of those times where

[38:42] so morgan fairchild's reading from the bible and it's being translated into spanish and then one

[38:47] of the students a young girl asks a question in spanish and morgan fairchild says i'll let

[38:51] gwyneth which is lacey chabert's character's name i'll let gwyneth handle this one and gwyneth is

[38:56] like uh my spanish is is a kind of rusty uh oh you must not be christian if you don't understand

[39:01] spanish you don't understand god's language spanish it's like it was a very weird moment

[39:08] where it's like okay one second did she ever say she could speak spanish yeah i don't think so of

[39:13] all her deceptions that was not one of them she is at this point a decepticon she is a robot in

[39:19] disguise more than meets the eye because she says she's christian but she's not she turns into a

[39:23] giant gun which is whoa so she's like the leader of the decepticons dude i just saw that's a huge

[39:31] claim. That's an enormous jump. I always found that

[39:33] very strange that like

[39:34] Megatron turns into a pistol.

[39:37] That like someone else has to shoot.

[39:38] Yeah, and he jumps into usually Starscream's

[39:41] hand.

[39:41] And Starscream's like, I'm going to grab

[39:44] you can only assume is his penis

[39:46] that turns into the trigger.

[39:47] Here's what I'm going to say is that he's

[39:50] showing, you know how powerful a boss

[39:52] I am? How confident I am in my

[39:55] leadership? I'm going to make myself

[39:57] a tool in your hands.

[39:58] And through my own charisma

[40:00] even though i be just a tool that you hold at your mercy i will control you that's the thing

[40:06] that's what a leader he may not be the biggest decepticon that's devastator oh because he's not

[40:11] astro train the the the space traveling uh train decepticon he's not maybe he's not what's the

[40:20] who's the one who uh sounds just like cobra commander that's what is that star scream or

[40:25] Yeah, I guess it's Starscream.

[40:27] He's not, who's the one who turns into a beatbox?

[40:31] That's Soundwave.

[40:31] He's a good guy, right?

[40:33] And he's not Rumble or Frenzy.

[40:34] No, he's a bad guy.

[40:35] There's a Soundwave's the bad guy.

[40:37] What, Blaster is the good one?

[40:42] Yeah.

[40:42] Transformers is like He-Man in that I spent a lot of time with it as a kid

[40:46] and I remember very little about it.

[40:48] As opposed to Ninja Turtles, which is burned into my brain like a brand.

[40:51] I can tell you all about Leatherhead

[40:53] and all the other characters that crawled out of the sewers.

[40:55] He's the guy who's made out of garbage, and one of his feet is like a pizza.

[40:59] And the other one is like a manhole cover.

[41:03] Yeah, probably.

[41:04] His name's probably like Garbage Man or something.

[41:06] I don't remember.

[41:06] Burned into your brain, eh?

[41:09] I didn't say all of it was burned into my brain like a brand.

[41:11] They came out with so many figures, and so few of them actually appeared on the cartoon.

[41:15] Yeah.

[41:15] But anyway.

[41:17] What were we talking about?

[41:18] Christian Mingle?

[41:19] So they're in Mexico, and she is not doing a good job of passing herself off as a Christian,

[41:23] Especially when the other women, especially Kelly, who grew up with Paul and Paul's mom has always wanted him to be in love with, finds a copy of Christianity for Dummies under her bed.

[41:35] Yeah, which is a thing.

[41:36] Uh-oh.

[41:37] Why did you pack Christianity for Dummies if you're trying to fool people?

[41:41] So she can cram on the plane.

[41:42] And, guys, I haven't worked in a fucking Barnes & Noble, but I guarantee you the only people buying that book are fucking Christians, dude.

[41:51] Like, no normie is going to be like, oh, I want to study up on this nerd shit.

[41:55] Normie.

[41:56] This nerd religion.

[41:57] This total bookworm religion.

[42:00] It's based on a book.

[42:01] Yeah, but no, what I'm saying.

[42:02] Exactly.

[42:03] But what I'm saying is, like, the only people buying Christianity fruit dummies are Christian people.

[42:09] Well, it's true that they're all.

[42:10] Christianity is a nerd.

[42:11] Christianity is a real rad religion.

[42:13] I've got some tracks that I think that you should look at.

[42:16] Why is Dan touching me?

[42:17] Listeners at home, Dan is touching.

[42:20] No, Dan's moving his hand up my arm now.

[42:22] Yeah, up further.

[42:23] Up, going up closer to the armpit.

[42:26] Jesus loves you.

[42:27] That's a no-no zone.

[42:28] In a radical way.

[42:29] You're looking at me weird now.

[42:31] Dan, I believe, has a rap about it.

[42:33] Dan.

[42:34] Nope, that's beatboxing.

[42:37] That doesn't count as rapping.

[42:38] You're buying time.

[42:41] Jesus loves me.

[42:42] This I know, for the Bible tells me so.

[42:46] It tells me so?

[42:47] It's a steaks and cakes thing?

[42:49] Yeah.

[42:50] Uh, et cetera, et cetera.

[42:52] Real rappy, rappity rap, rap, rap.

[42:55] That's a pretty good rap, Lynn Danielle Miranda.

[42:59] Oh, boy.

[43:00] You burned him, I guess.

[43:01] No, I gave him a cool nickname.

[43:04] I also forgot.

[43:05] Let's mention that at one point they go to a hot dog restaurant called Footers,

[43:08] which I have to assume is the male version of Hooters where people's penises are hanging out.

[43:13] Oh, I thought it was because there weren't, like, flip-flops to show off their feet.

[43:16] Yeah, it's a Quentin Tarantino fetish-themed restaurant.

[43:20] uh she is mortified when paul confronts her with christianity for dummies he says you lied to me

[43:26] you're not the person like this copy of christianity for dummies is dog-eared you have been reading it

[43:30] non-stop and that makes me mad because i don't take fucking bookworm nerds and but what you're

[43:35] saying is true because there's a lot of books that are like judaism for beginners and only

[43:39] jewish people read those yeah and i gotta say uh paul in the scene is like the most reasonable

[43:46] person in the movie like he's not like his mom who is this super judgy who's looking to reject

[43:52] christian lady at any turn yeah and it's she's not no one is good enough or her paul and as jesus

[43:59] it's she should be judgy because as jesus said jesus said as jesus said as jesus said judge yes

[44:05] for you will judge oh okay that was he said right yeah he was like judging's fun and cool

[44:12] Show other people that you're better than them.

[44:14] Radical.

[44:16] He said, blessed are the meek, because they're really easy to steal lunches from.

[44:20] Yep, this is bully Jesus, I guess.

[44:22] Blessed are the wedgies.

[44:24] And blessed are the noogies.

[44:26] For they will reside in the kingdom of crack.

[44:30] Why was there only one set of fist prints on your face?

[44:34] Because why are you punching yourself?

[44:36] That was the parable of the, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching.

[44:42] you turned water into wet willies um well we're talking about talking about christian mingle no

[44:53] i just think that the i think that the guy in it is really reasonable he's giving her a chance to

[44:57] explain him yeah and she can't there's nothing to explain because its faith is unexplainable

[45:03] anyway she feels rejected and she goes back home and she has a real crisis of i guess you'd call it

[45:09] faith faith faith and she decides you know what i can't sell this bald person drug forget it i'm not

[45:16] going to do that and she finds a church that's kind of like a storefront church where they do

[45:20] nothing but sing gospel tunes the same gospel song over and over again yep she also she's like whoa

[45:25] this is cool she brings her bike to corbin bernson a bike repairman and they watch a christian

[45:30] mingle ad on tv and she just kind of like becomes more and more christian in a real way you know

[45:35] what she starts reading the bible and even though she's mad at god at first because paul breaks up

[45:40] with her and then she finds out that he's with kelly she's like hey you know what god i don't

[45:47] know whatever yeah because they they have that that coffee date where he sits on the bench like

[45:52] a fucking wimp with his fucking legs together like a dude who doesn't fuck yes stewart i don't i was

[45:58] not comfortable when he was sitting on a bench and stewart's like look at the way he sits that's

[46:02] Dude, he doesn't fuck.

[46:03] And I was like, I don't, I'm not comfortable right now.

[46:05] This is harassment.

[46:07] No, man, look at the way he's sitting.

[46:08] But she realizes that the Bible's pretty cool.

[46:12] Aw, damn, and he's touching me again.

[46:14] Pretty cool, Stuart.

[46:15] Oh, now it's going up.

[46:16] Are you going to touch my neck and face next?

[46:18] I think if you just open the book, you'll find a lot that will speak to you.

[46:23] Hey, Stuart, I want to tell you about.

[46:23] This is like me watching arachnophobia with my little brother and him putting his hand on my shoulder to scare me.

[46:29] Stuart, I'm going to tell you about a kind of cool guy who said things that people didn't like, who was a real rebel, and who wrote a book that has really changed a lot of minds and lifted a lot of hearts.

[46:40] And his name is Karl Marx.

[46:42] So he said if the workers control the means of production, we would live in a paradise where everyone gets their own nine-foot-by-nine-foot cell, and we eat the same gruel, and no one's better than anyone else because we're all wearing shapeless jumpsuits.

[46:57] That sounds great.

[46:59] That sounds just like my friends on Jim Davis's lesser-known comic,

[47:03] U.S. Acres.

[47:04] You got it.

[47:06] I can see you, like, looking for it in your brain.

[47:08] You found it.

[47:10] It's like I can see you flipping through the pages of the index in your brain.

[47:16] Cartoonist, Davis, comma, Jim, see?

[47:20] See?

[47:21] And then under him going, not Garfield, not Nermal, no,

[47:27] Not that one Garfield book where it was like the nine lives of Garfield and they weren't funny, they were just weird.

[47:32] The Erotic Adventures of Garfield.

[47:34] Not Garfield and the Prisoner of Azkaban, no.

[47:40] Here we go, U.S. Acres.

[47:42] It was, if, never has it been.

[47:46] The Beloved Pig Orson.

[47:48] And that duck with the floaty thing on him.

[47:51] And the egg with the legs sticking out of it.

[47:54] Yeah, Legs Egg.

[47:55] Sheldon.

[47:56] U.S. Acres, or as I called it as a kid when I watched Garfield and Friends,

[47:59] time to use the bathroom.

[48:01] Looks like I got a four- to five-minute bathroom break coming my way

[48:07] if I see a U.S. Acres title card.

[48:09] I don't give a shit about these characters.

[48:11] Oh, boy.

[48:14] Yeah.

[48:15] So why was there never a Garfield-U.S. Acres crossover?

[48:18] That's what's crazy.

[48:19] Like, if you're trying to build a universe,

[48:22] get my boy Kevin Feige in on this shit, dog.

[48:25] There's a reason that Spider-Man showed up in the Meteor Man limited series based on

[48:30] the movie, even though he's not in the movie, because Marvel wanted to sell some books.

[48:35] You're trying to give him some bona fides.

[48:38] Yeah, exactly.

[48:39] You know who doesn't have bona fides?

[48:40] Karl Marx?

[48:42] Lacey Chabert and Kristen Wiig.

[48:44] Let's continue.

[48:44] So she's finding God, and she's losing Paul.

[48:46] And she realizes, I can't do this job anymore.

[48:49] I always wanted to be a teacher.

[48:50] What am I going to do?

[48:50] And she needed a fucking hobby, dude, because all of her friends are...

[48:54] I mean, they're busy with their lives.

[48:55] Yeah, but we haven't seen them in like an hour of movie time.

[48:58] That's true.

[48:59] Yeah.

[48:59] Not since they shamed her sweater that she bought to go to church

[49:03] that she decided not to wear one of her low-cut tops.

[49:06] Her friend who's wearing a fucking...

[49:07] She decided to wear three separate colors of beige together.

[49:10] Yeah, the most godly of all colors.

[49:13] All right.

[49:13] And that's going to get steak and or cake all over it, dude.

[49:16] That's a good point.

[49:16] It's going to stink.

[49:17] They're not even wearing beards.

[49:18] They're not even wearing bibs.

[49:20] No, you're right.

[49:21] When you go to a steak restaurant, you wear a long beard, like ZZ Top,

[49:25] Let's keep the grease off your shirt.

[49:27] You don't want to mess up your tie.

[49:28] What kind of uncomfortable, unpleasant restaurant would that be where they're like, hold on, put on this fake beard and now eat through it.

[49:35] And you're just getting food and grease trapped in this fake beard.

[49:38] And it's made out of like Brillo pad and steel wool.

[49:41] So it's really uncomfortable and scratchy.

[49:43] Anyway, it's called Beards and Beers and it's a gastro pub.

[49:48] Actually, in the movie Where Danger Lives with Robert Mitchum, there is a scene where he gets arrested because he's passing through a town that is having its beard festival, and he doesn't have a beard.

[49:58] And he's on the run with this woman whose husband he thinks he killed, and their pictures are sent over by teletype, I guess, from another police station.

[50:09] And someone goes like, these don't have beards on them either, and draws beards on them, thus making them unidentifiable and saving Robert Mitchum again.

[50:17] It's actually a really fun movie

[50:18] What was the name again?

[50:20] Where Danger Lives

[50:21] So anyway

[50:24] But she decides you know what

[50:26] She gets a letter in the mail from the girl who asked that question in Spanish

[50:29] Saying

[50:30] It's like I sorry

[50:33] Pardon poor me broken English

[50:35] It's ridiculous this letter

[50:37] It's terrible and it cuts to a slow motion

[50:40] Shot of this girl

[50:41] Yeah it's like

[50:44] Soft lighting and she's like

[50:46] slowly nodding her head and it's fucking weird as hell dude and she realizes you know what and

[50:52] it's like thank you for explaining those things to me about christianity i think and anyway this

[50:56] is the movie doing it it's not me doing it anyway and she says you know what i'm gonna go back there

[51:02] and she goes back to mexico and becomes a teacher at the escuela and then paul i guess hears about

[51:09] it and shows up and says i broke up with kelly briefly now i want to be with you i never forgot

[51:18] about you and they fall in love and they kiss as a guy is putting christmas ornaments up on a

[51:24] christmas tree watching them yeah kind of sort of giggles yeah he's like super bashful and keeps

[51:29] hiding his face it's weird that he giggles because corbin bernson didn't play dr giggles he played

[51:33] the dentist oh a movie in which a guy finds that in the flub section of imdb i think it's the

[51:40] dentist where a guy just finds a tongue lying in a driveway and it turns out that it's his lover's

[51:46] tongue that was cut out of her mouth and she's like lying next to a pool and he and she surprises

[51:52] him with her horrified you know her mutilated face was that the dentist it might be i once again i

[51:57] don't remember the dentist very well is that a brian yuzna movie i think it might be it might be

[52:02] yeah but any and so everything's okay and they're like yay we're good now credits start uh credits

[52:08] are over it's christmas and we see that they're still together and they kiss and then it suddenly

[52:14] it's like snap cut to a photo of him proposing to her and then the music the movie's over yeah

[52:20] they're like snuggling on a couch and then it pans up like they're kissing and then it pans up and

[52:25] there's a mistletoe above them and you're supposed to be like oh that's why they were kissing because

[52:30] they're forced to by customs by the laws of mistletoe yeah so so dan so here's my question

[52:37] one i'm not christian never will be right unless i a vision yeah you're our expert on this one

[52:44] danny boy and you grew up in a very christian household and you mingled with a lot of christians

[52:49] yeah so a christian's really this doubtful and anxious about other christians not being as

[52:55] christian as their christian and two what was the point of this movie and i thought it like wow

[53:01] i don't think that second one is answerable but the first one i would think the second one would

[53:05] be way more answerable the movie wasn't funny it wasn't romantic it didn't seem to be that

[53:11] particularly crazy about jesus in the end here's the thing uh she realizes that uh so steven

[53:18] tobolowski says he has faith in this product this baldness product and it will work and the movie i

[53:24] think is supposed to make you think see like oh that's false faith as opposed to real faith

[53:27] when what it told me was oh her faith in the lord just as steven tablowski's faith in this baldness

[53:36] cure is merely a defense mechanism against the harsh and arbitrary nature of the universe in

[53:41] which they find themselves in which there is no justice and beauty is just what we decided is and

[53:46] there is no grace and it's so hard to come up against that reality that they have to believe

[53:52] in something be it jesus or this baldness pill yeah you need to clutch onto some kind of life

[53:57] preserver in this horrible sea of sadness that is life so dan what do you think so answer those

[54:06] two questions what was the point of the movie and also christians are they like that uh there's some

[54:10] christians who are like that some people there are some very devout christians who are obsessed

[54:15] with their religion but for the most part no i found it very strange that uh and that like

[54:23] the scene with the uh young uh mexican girl like her question is let's just call her mexicali rose

[54:32] her name's maria her question is like basically that's not me being racist that's literally the

[54:39] movie it's her name in the movie her question is basically like boils down to why do good things

[54:44] happen she says if bad things happen if god is loved then why did he destroy our town yeah

[54:49] and i can't imagine the fucking viewer who's like i feel that way too please answer this question

[54:56] for me movie corbin bergson movie you better have an answer because i've been wondering this my

[55:00] whole life that's the thing like they expect uh our hero lacey chabert to be able to answer that

[55:06] and when she is not able to answer it everyone's like oh she's not a christian but like that's the

[55:12] question that everyone's been struggling with in every religion since the dawn of time well not

[55:17] every religion necessarily because not every religion since the dawn of time was based on

[55:22] the idea of a benevolent god or a loving god yeah for most of human history i'd think gods were

[55:27] capricious forces that you had to curry favor with in order to get something from them no no

[55:33] i guess you're right i suppose in something like buddhism that would be like look you know it's

[55:37] It's your attachment to earthly things that is causing your problem here.

[55:43] It's not that some antagonistic god has done something to you.

[55:47] Certainly for the 2,000 years of Christianity, and I would say for Judaism before that, that was a big...

[55:54] I mean, that's what the Book of Job is all about.

[55:56] So it's not like...

[55:58] It is weird that they're like, she hasn't answered the question that the Judeo-Christian tradition has been trying to answer for millennia.

[56:04] She doesn't count.

[56:06] Not worthy of Paul.

[56:07] Because I assume Kelly is like, oh, yeah, it's because God's plan says this, this, this, this, and this.

[56:13] You don't understand.

[56:13] He destroyed your town, but it's so that my friend Paul could fall in love with this girl.

[56:18] So I guess it all balances out in the end.

[56:21] Shouldn't they have been concerned about this girl's lack of understanding of the Bible and be like, we need to help her?

[56:30] But instead they're like, mm-mm, you know, no siree.

[56:34] You know what would have been better is if she had given an answer that would have been contra to the Christian faith.

[56:39] She was like, oh, because Krom tests us all.

[56:43] Yeah, exactly.

[56:43] And it's when we cry out for help that he knows we are weak and we don't have the strength to really serve him.

[56:48] Someone in this town must have insulted Poseidon and he sent a storm to destroy your village.

[56:53] Have you guys been sacrificing to Aeolus the wind god?

[56:57] Because this could be a problem.

[56:58] What you need is more golden idols.

[57:02] I want to introduce you to a little friend of mine named Baal and his pal Tiamat.

[57:06] Now, let's talk about this, shall we?

[57:08] How many sacrifices do you make?

[57:10] Human, I mean.

[57:11] Zero?

[57:11] Let's get you on the installment plan.

[57:14] Now, that undercoating, that just comes from the factory.

[57:19] You're going to get that now.

[57:20] And you have plenty of humans to sacrifice.

[57:22] You have weird old lady who sits bundled up on a chair over there.

[57:26] You get those people that look mad that we're here.

[57:28] You have those guys sitting outside watching a TV a couple inches from the inside where they could be watching it.

[57:34] For a town that has a few very old people, they have a lot of children running around in this town.

[57:40] Yeah, that's why they look...

[57:41] It's kind of weird.

[57:42] They're not old.

[57:42] They're just exhausted from taking care of all these children.

[57:44] Okay.

[57:45] Trust me.

[57:45] I have one child, and I share care of him with my wife and also his nanny, and I'm dying.

[57:50] Maybe all those people are like Alicia Keys and just not wearing makeup for that scene.

[57:54] I don't know what that means.

[57:58] So, anyway, I get your point, Dan.

[58:00] I just want to make it clear to the audience that it is not my view

[58:04] that we live in a cold, arbitrary reality with no grace or truth in it.

[58:09] Okay.

[58:09] But this movie made me feel that way.

[58:11] Which brings us to final judgments.

[58:15] Whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[58:18] or a movie we kind of liked.

[58:24] feel like i this movie went down kind of smooth in a weird way because no i agree with you it was

[58:31] this was like it was like sitting in not a nice bath but like a tepid enough bath that you didn't

[58:37] notice yeah there's nothing objectionable to it really i mean other than its simplistic view

[58:41] yeah i kind of object to the fact that lacey chabert has an outside trash can inside she has

[58:48] one of those like giant silver trash cans in her fucking kitchen and she doesn't have an ostrich

[58:53] garage style that's crazy she doesn't have a bag in it which means she has to take it outside to

[58:58] take out the trash and she throws paper and other garbage in there she doesn't separate i feel like

[59:04] she has to walk out when the garbage truck pulls up and she just like shakes loose garbage into

[59:09] the back of that garbage truck she just dumps it on the street and says pick it up and she

[59:14] wonders why god doesn't like her yeah i think it was a weirdly smooth movie considering i didn't

[59:18] like it and it's

[59:20] like if I was Christian I think

[59:22] I'd have real issues with it yeah

[59:23] portrayal of Christianity and Christians but

[59:26] it's like

[59:27] it's like a

[59:29] one of those like

[59:31] what are those cigarettes that like kids smoke

[59:34] they get them into smoking cigarettes

[59:36] like a candy cigarette no like the cigarettes

[59:38] that aren't as harsh as the other ones

[59:39] yeah it's like a clove cigarette

[59:41] like a Capri 120 yeah you're like

[59:44] oh this isn't so bad but you don't

[59:46] realize the damage it's doing to your insides

[59:48] and when it's a gateway to worse movies.

[59:50] Yeah.

[59:50] No, I think it's a bad, bad movie,

[59:52] but it's one that goes down real smooth.

[59:54] Yeah, and it doesn't really, like,

[59:57] it feels like it's in on the joke at times,

[1:00:01] but then other times it isn't in on the joke.

[1:00:03] I don't get it.

[1:00:04] Like, it confuses me a lot, Dan.

[1:00:07] Clashing tones.

[1:00:09] Yeah.

[1:00:09] Clash of the Tonins.

[1:00:10] As to why it exists,

[1:00:12] I assume it's just an ad for fucking Christian Mingle, right?

[1:00:15] But it's, I guess they find love,

[1:00:17] But it's like, considering all the times Christian Mingle is mentioned in it, I don't get a sense of how it works, what the features are, why it's better than other dating sites.

[1:00:25] I swear that the movie should have ended with one of her friends being like, you know there's other online dating services.

[1:00:32] And Lacey Chabert looks at the camera and goes, what?

[1:00:35] Now you tell me.

[1:00:37] She spits out her Mr. Pibb or whatever the fuck she's drinking.

[1:00:40] And he goes, here we go again.

[1:00:43] Here's how the movie should have ended.

[1:00:45] It doesn't work out with Paul.

[1:00:47] And she's like, what am I going to do?

[1:00:48] And the TV goes on and goes, J-Date, where Jewish singles find their match.

[1:00:52] And she looks at the camera, like, with her head turned, like, mm-hmm.

[1:00:55] She says, oy vey.

[1:00:56] Yeah.

[1:00:56] And then it cuts to black, and you just hear, like, Hava Nagila, like, klezmer version.

[1:01:02] I feel like there's, like, a weird, like, John Waters version of this movie that works that way.

[1:01:06] And then you cut to a post-credit sequence where a guy steps on a glass,

[1:01:12] and everyone yells, Mazel Tov, and we see she's just married someone.

[1:01:14] And he goes, so you'll be able to prepare a full Shabbat meal in the traditional way?

[1:01:18] And she just goes, uh-oh.

[1:01:20] And then it cuts to her using, I don't know, black people meat or what are some of the other various people?

[1:01:26] Wait, what?

[1:01:27] No, it cuts to her using.

[1:01:29] I thought you meant to make dinner.

[1:01:31] No, no, no.

[1:01:32] That's horrifying.

[1:01:34] But it's also horrifying.

[1:01:36] So she's a cannibal?

[1:01:37] No, the idea is that she's like bouncing around.

[1:01:39] She's going to become Anthropophagous.

[1:01:40] All of it's horrifying.

[1:01:41] She's bouncing around like others.

[1:01:43] There's this other dating site

[1:01:46] That's just called Black People Meet

[1:01:48] That totally is the name of a fucking website

[1:01:50] It's called M-E-E-T

[1:01:52] That's terrible

[1:01:53] No, the idea that she bounces

[1:01:55] I mean, that's a harsh critique of a successful dating website, Dan

[1:01:59] How many successful dating websites have you set up?

[1:02:02] I just don't care for that name

[1:02:04] Okay, Dan

[1:02:06] You as a privileged white man

[1:02:08] As a cisgender

[1:02:10] Heteronormative white male

[1:02:13] How do you get to decide how black people get to title their websites?

[1:02:15] I just imagine the post-credit bloops sequence is her trying all these different specific...

[1:02:20] You know what, Dan?

[1:02:21] Hashtag check your website privilege.

[1:02:22] All right.

[1:02:23] So Christian Mingle goes down smooth.

[1:02:26] Here's the thing, though.

[1:02:27] She probably uses that weird dating website that only famous people can use.

[1:02:31] Like, she sneaks her way onto it, and she goes on a date with...

[1:02:34] Oh, that famous people Tinder.

[1:02:35] Yeah, she ends up going on a date with, like, actual Corbin Bernson, and he's just not feeling it.

[1:02:40] Is that a real thing?

[1:02:41] It's a real famous person Tinder, yeah.

[1:02:43] So famous people can just hook up with each other?

[1:02:45] I guess so.

[1:02:46] I mean, they don't want to consort with us normies.

[1:02:49] It just seems so weird.

[1:02:51] So impersonal.

[1:02:52] I mean, it all seems weird and impersonal, right?

[1:02:56] Not to me.

[1:02:57] I don't do that anymore.

[1:02:59] Well, that was Christian.

[1:03:02] For the Flophouse.

[1:03:11] We'll see you next time.

[1:03:41] world trade jokes and stories and maybe even learn something at the same time international

[1:03:46] waters with me dave holmes find it at maximumfund.org or wherever you download podcasts

[1:03:51] uh so the flop house has a few uh sponsors we got some sponsors let's see this is christian

[1:04:02] mingle. Uh-oh.

[1:04:03] First sponsor

[1:04:06] is Squarespace.

[1:04:08] The Flophouse is supported

[1:04:10] in part by Squarespace.

[1:04:12] Whether you need a landing page, a beautiful

[1:04:14] gallery, a professional blog,

[1:04:16] or an online store,

[1:04:18] it's all included with your

[1:04:20] Squarespace website. Those sound

[1:04:22] like all the things that you normally want to make

[1:04:24] your website. Yeah. I have another

[1:04:26] website that I'm thinking of putting on.

[1:04:28] Anyway, it's called

[1:04:30] listen to my idea before you throw it out the window anyway it's called christian dingle

[1:04:36] and it's no yeah i guess i should give you a shot you know what i'm not even going to tell

[1:04:44] you what it's about but squarespace i'm sure would help me make it great they'd make it so

[1:04:49] it looks good even on mobile platforms ipads computers whatever you want to look at it

[1:04:54] and uh they and it's they have a lot of it's just like really easy to use right they have a lot of

[1:05:00] support for the amateur user squarespace offers 24 7 customer support uh and every member of the

[1:05:08] team is an experienced squarespace user working in a squarespace office so uh all of your questions

[1:05:15] can be answered so it's not they're not outsourcing this to some prison somewhere that's right that's

[1:05:20] right uh although it's all online it's not phone support but i prefer that myself anyway because

[1:05:27] I don't want to talk to somebody

[1:05:29] You want to sit just in a dark room

[1:05:31] That's right

[1:05:32] In my underwear

[1:05:34] You want to see the responding cursor

[1:05:36] Slowly bleeping in the darkness

[1:05:38] Hoping for somebody to respond to you

[1:05:41] You want to see the dot dot dot that says they're typing

[1:05:43] And then those dot dot dots disappear

[1:05:45] And you're like what was it

[1:05:47] What were they going to say

[1:05:48] There was so much potential it was a Schrodinger's cat situation

[1:05:51] Like maybe I'll click on another window

[1:05:53] And look at that while they're typing

[1:05:55] Maybe that was how I found love

[1:05:56] Maybe those three dots were my love.

[1:05:58] Squarespace.

[1:06:00] It's a good place to make a website, so go do it.

[1:06:02] You should.

[1:06:03] Squarespace.

[1:06:04] What's our promo code?

[1:06:05] Start your free trial today at squarespace.com slash flop to get 10% off your first purchase.

[1:06:12] That's a great deal, and it helps support The Flophouse, your favorite podcast.

[1:06:16] Maybe not this episode, but other ones.

[1:06:18] So build it, beautiful.

[1:06:20] No, that's not the slogan anymore.

[1:06:24] Okay, we have another sponsor, too.

[1:06:26] It's a little place that I like to call Blue Apron.

[1:06:31] Blue's a great color.

[1:06:33] Some would say the warmest color.

[1:06:34] I would, because I saw the movie.

[1:06:36] Yeah, and I got pretty warm after watching that movie.

[1:06:40] Oh, boy.

[1:06:41] In certain places.

[1:06:43] But let's talk about what blue means when it's applied to aprons.

[1:06:47] It means you get food in the mail.

[1:06:49] Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[1:06:50] Hold on, hold on.

[1:06:51] Wait, wait, wait.

[1:06:52] Food goes in the mouth, not the mail.

[1:06:54] you make a very good point like loose split pea soup and like a manila envelope incorrect no what

[1:07:00] you get is ingredients now look not all ingredients are created equal it would be impossible we'd be

[1:07:05] living in heaven if they were or hell if they were all equally bad right what makes a difference is

[1:07:10] fresh high quality ingredients it's important to know where your food comes from and that's why

[1:07:13] there's blue apron look blue apron i've talked about it in the past i've enjoyed the food from

[1:07:19] there a lot it was very helpful when my son had just been born and we didn't have time to like go

[1:07:23] shopping for ingredients the ingredients showed up in the mail the way that my son did delivered

[1:07:28] by a stork and your son had loose split pea soup i mean it looked like it certainly just coming out

[1:07:34] of every orifice at different points but you won't get loose split pea soup in the mail no you're

[1:07:40] gonna get delicious meals and here's so the thing they give you all the ingredients you need and

[1:07:45] it's pre-measured you don't have to waste time measuring out that stuff which is great because

[1:07:49] i know i'm always tense that i'm gonna put in too much or too little and it's kind of about terrible

[1:07:52] and all the time i put into cooking is wasted that's not going to happen it's like that time

[1:07:57] when i had your paprikash and i had too much paprika in it oh that's almost impossible but

[1:08:02] yes there was too much i had to go to the hospital afterwards and get a paprikash to me that's when

[1:08:07] they remove it from you yeah they had to perform some bloodletting and have some leeches suck all

[1:08:13] the paprika out of you cupping and just like the olympic swimming team i had to get my stomach

[1:08:18] popper pumped now that won't happen to you with blue apron and you're wearing opera pumps on

[1:08:24] your shoes for less than ten dollars per meal opera pumps blue apron delivers seasonal recipes

[1:08:30] along with pre-portioned ingredients like i'm saying and the meals are delicious here's some

[1:08:34] of the stuff you can look forward to paprika spiced shrimp and cheddar grits with tomato and

[1:08:39] sweet corn that sounds good we're talking about just paprika and you want the right amount they

[1:08:42] they measure it for you uh spicy hoisin chicken stir fry with baby bok choy and sesame ginger

[1:08:47] cucumber salad that sounds really nice egg plea and chick eggplant and chickpea tagging tagine

[1:08:54] what's that uh i don't like it doesn't matter i don't like that it's like a stew forget it skip

[1:09:00] that one don't order that one summer udon noodle salad with cherry tomatoes corn and summer sweet

[1:09:04] pepper that sounds really good there's just like a ton of variety coming from elliot who normally

[1:09:09] does not care for vegetables unless they are

[1:09:11] crusting his chicken.

[1:09:12] Crusting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you like

[1:09:15] grind up chicken or chicken.

[1:09:17] That'd be crazy. Why would you ever do that?

[1:09:19] Chicken crusted chicken, I call it.

[1:09:21] Chicken fried chicken

[1:09:23] with double chicken.

[1:09:24] That's the kind of imaginative, innovative

[1:09:27] recipe that Blue Apron's going to send you.

[1:09:29] I feel like the only way Elliot will willingly

[1:09:31] eat vegetables is if they're stuck to a piece

[1:09:33] of chicken like the vegetable gremlin.

[1:09:35] I like vegetables a lot. It's fruit

[1:09:37] that I hate and should die.

[1:09:39] Yeah. Vegetables I like a lot. Look, it's flexible. You can customize your customize your recipes based on your preferences. You can choose delivery options that fit your needs. You don't have to get it every week. Just get deliveries when you want them. And the meals come with step by step instructions. You can prepare them in 40 minutes or less. 40 minutes. Come on. That's not a crazy amount of time to cook something. Check out. Look, check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to Blue Apron dot com slash flop house.

[1:10:08] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse for first three meals free, three for free.

[1:10:14] They didn't write that.

[1:10:15] I just made that up, and it's a great slogan.

[1:10:17] You're going to love it.

[1:10:19] Just go to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:10:21] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

[1:10:24] Get on that train.

[1:10:25] First stop, delicious.

[1:10:27] Okay, here's another problem I have with Christian.

[1:10:29] Paul is trying to get out of a conversation, and they're eating hot dogs,

[1:10:33] and he points to it and goes, next stop, the delicious train.

[1:10:37] What kind of train is this, dude?

[1:10:39] The train takes you to the stop.

[1:10:41] It's probably shaped like a hot dog, Elliot.

[1:10:43] Unless what it's taking you to is a decommissioned train, which is now used as kind of an art piece at a station called Delicious Train, named after this defunct train.

[1:10:55] And you're on, say, the Mideast Corridor, Northeastern Express or something, or the Super Chief, heading to that station.

[1:11:02] How could the next stop be the Delicious Train?

[1:11:04] Are you taking a train to get on another train?

[1:11:07] That's crazy.

[1:11:07] That's like something a rich person in an Anne Rand novel would do.

[1:11:11] Come on.

[1:11:12] He'd say, next stop, delicious town.

[1:11:15] That sounds like a place.

[1:11:16] Deliciousville.

[1:11:17] Deliciousberg.

[1:11:18] Deliciousberg.

[1:11:19] That doesn't make sense.

[1:11:20] That's crazy.

[1:11:20] Deliciousvania.

[1:11:21] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:22] Taste place.

[1:11:24] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:24] Like, those are stop names.

[1:11:27] Yeah.

[1:11:27] Next stop, delicious train.

[1:11:29] Corbin Bernson, what were you thinking when you wrote that line of dialogue?

[1:11:31] Or was it ad-libbed on set?

[1:11:33] I believe that.

[1:11:34] Yeah.

[1:11:35] Well, we'll never know.

[1:11:36] Unless we kidnap the actor who played that part and torture him until he tells us.

[1:11:43] Or if Corbin Bernson's listening, just send it to us.

[1:11:45] Yeah, yeah, just write in.

[1:11:46] Or if we kidnap the actor.

[1:11:48] No, why?

[1:11:48] We don't need to kidnap him.

[1:11:49] Tie him to a chair and burn him with cigars until he tells us.

[1:11:53] So if Corbin Bernson, you're listening, just write in to, I don't know, flophouse.email.edu.

[1:11:59] Slash gov.

[1:12:01] And if you're that actor.

[1:12:01] Plus a million.

[1:12:02] Keep an eye out.

[1:12:05] Just keep looking over your shoulder.

[1:12:07] Why would you warn him if you're trying to...

[1:12:10] Because he likes the game of it.

[1:12:11] Sure, yeah, yeah, he wants the challenge.

[1:12:12] He's like, I'd like to play this on expert difficulty, please.

[1:12:16] Where's the pleasure in...

[1:12:18] That pulls away your HUD.

[1:12:20] Where's the pleasure and the pride in hunting a quarry

[1:12:23] who doesn't know he's being hunted?

[1:12:24] I like to give them every opportunity

[1:12:26] so that they know in the end that I am their superior.

[1:12:29] There was no chance involved in this conquest,

[1:12:31] only strategy, cunning, and pure brute strength.

[1:12:35] The only chance is Chance Boudreaux, star of Hard Target.

[1:12:38] Uh, star?

[1:12:40] That's the character.

[1:12:41] Chance Boudreaux, who stars as Jean-Claude Van Damme in Hard Target.

[1:12:45] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:46] So, Dan.

[1:12:46] By the way, I'm giving you a little sneak peek to my recommendations this week.

[1:12:50] Dan, do we have any Jumbotron messages?

[1:12:52] Yeah, hell yeah, we do.

[1:12:53] J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[1:12:55] The Tronist of Jumbos.

[1:12:56] The Jumbost of Trons.

[1:12:57] Is Elliot done, or should I start this?

[1:13:00] You can go do the thing with the message.

[1:13:03] Jumbotron announcement over.

[1:13:05] No, it's starting now.

[1:13:07] I meant the announcement of the intro.

[1:13:09] Now entering the middle portion of the Jumbotron, the actual message.

[1:13:15] Message commences in three, two, one, and message commencing now.

[1:13:25] This message is for Tom.

[1:13:31] This message is from Pete, Erzo, Joe, Mel, John, and Megan.

[1:13:38] Happy birthday, Tom.

[1:13:40] As you begin the adventure that is your 30s,

[1:13:43] we could think of no better way to celebrate than by supporting Stuart's drinking habit.

[1:13:48] Thank you.

[1:13:49] Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

[1:13:51] Yummy.

[1:13:51] Stuart does have both a hard liquor drink and a beer in front of him.

[1:13:58] We could have purchased you any number of rare comics or signed monster dicks.

[1:14:03] Not even a mummy dick?

[1:14:05] Wait, who would sign a mummy's dick?

[1:14:10] Probably the guy who mummified it.

[1:14:11] It's all signed in hieroglyphics.

[1:14:13] The Bobsy Twin Mystery.

[1:14:16] Who would sign a mummy's dick?

[1:14:18] Who would sign this mummy's dick?

[1:14:20] Look, Ellen, can you come in here?

[1:14:23] I know we heard you on spec to start writing these Bobsy Twin Mysteries.

[1:14:26] I don't think it's going to work out.

[1:14:28] This first one is just not what we're looking for.

[1:14:30] No, but you're never going to believe who would sign a mummy's tick at the end.

[1:14:34] I think it's just not an appropriate mystery.

[1:14:36] Just read it until the end.

[1:14:37] You'll be surprised.

[1:14:38] And this other one, What's Up Frankenstein's Butt?

[1:14:41] I'm just not going to read it.

[1:14:43] I don't even care how surprising the ending is or how many red herrings you built in.

[1:14:47] It's a trombone.

[1:14:49] Your draft of the cover art is very disturbing.

[1:14:54] Not something we even hired you to do.

[1:14:55] You don't know why Frankenstein looks like me.

[1:14:57] Okay, so...

[1:15:03] So anyway, back to the Jumbotron message.

[1:15:06] So, rewind.

[1:15:07] We could have purchased you any number of rare comics or signed monster dicks.

[1:15:12] But now, every time you hear that crack of the can, you'll feel like part of the problem.

[1:15:18] P.S. Ski is actually a...

[1:15:24] Now, guys, I've got to admit, that's where the message ends.

[1:15:27] Pete, Erzo, Joe, Mel, John, and Megan have gone over the character limit.

[1:15:32] So let's try and speculate as to what ski is actually a terrible thing that ruined my knee.

[1:15:42] Good point, good point.

[1:15:44] Okay, that's possibly right.

[1:15:46] Yeah, that's right.

[1:15:47] I'm going to guess ski is actually an activity you use a ball for.

[1:15:53] Oh, because it's S-K-E-E.

[1:15:55] Yep, I have a little bit of inside information that Dan doesn't have, so he looks like an idiot.

[1:16:00] Elliot, and you get a guess?

[1:16:02] And I know that it's spelled S-K-E-E.

[1:16:04] Mm-hmm, yep.

[1:16:05] So I'm going to guess that it's ski is a rhyme for key.

[1:16:09] Perfect.

[1:16:10] Okay, so if you guys could write us into whatever our fucking email address is, just write into that.

[1:16:16] Clubhouse.gov at 100.4.

[1:16:18] Uh-huh.

[1:16:19] Right in and tell us how close we were to the actual information.

[1:16:23] I hope that you had just finished the sentence and there weren't multiple sentences after that.

[1:16:28] And, Tom, welcome to your 30s.

[1:16:30] I hope that, like me, you find it is actually better than your 20s.

[1:16:33] Uh-huh.

[1:16:34] I actually enjoyed my 30s much more.

[1:16:35] That's what Dan Savage wrote that book about, right?

[1:16:37] It gets better?

[1:16:37] Elliot's 30s being better than his 20s?

[1:16:40] I mean, I felt like that was the message for me.

[1:16:42] Sure, certainly.

[1:16:43] Mine were better, and then they got precipitously worse.

[1:16:46] Really?

[1:16:46] What happened, Dan?

[1:16:47] Oh, right.

[1:16:49] Right.

[1:16:49] Yeah, Dan stares off into the middle distance

[1:16:51] waiting for a hangman's axe.

[1:16:54] But overall...

[1:16:55] Was it the gallows break?

[1:16:58] Is that where the hangman's using an axe?

[1:16:59] But I'm sure yours will be better.

[1:17:01] They're not a thing to be scared of.

[1:17:03] They're your peak years.

[1:17:06] And don't worry, Dan.

[1:17:07] You got your 40s ahead of you, man.

[1:17:09] Yeah, and if anything I've learned from Judd Apatow is true,

[1:17:12] then your 40s is all about just being Paul Rudd.

[1:17:14] Wow.

[1:17:15] I'll take that any day.

[1:17:17] Sure, who wouldn't?

[1:17:17] Yeah, hey, I'm Paul Rudd.

[1:17:19] I'm in my 40s, possibly 50s, and I look like I was in my 20s still, I guess.

[1:17:24] Possibly 50s.

[1:17:26] Wow, so we got a lot of work done.

[1:17:31] What's the next part of this fucking podcast, Danny boy?

[1:17:34] What do you do next in this overlong, bloated podcast?

[1:17:36] The next part of this podcast is letters from listeners.

[1:17:42] Holy shit, we're just getting the letters.

[1:17:44] The episode's going long.

[1:17:47] Something might be going wrong.

[1:17:49] So the only way to write it is let's excite it with a song.

[1:17:54] A song for you about letters.

[1:17:58] That'll make everything better.

[1:18:00] Escape from those fetters with letters.

[1:18:04] Letters.

[1:18:06] Letters.

[1:18:08] Is that a letter over the hill?

[1:18:12] I don't want to guess.

[1:18:14] I don't want to get my hopes up.

[1:18:16] So many times I've been disappointed

[1:18:19] Thinking I see letters ahead of me and nothing's there

[1:18:23] No one writes to me in this cabin in the woods

[1:18:27] My name is Henry David Thoreau

[1:18:29] Don't you know?

[1:18:32] Hamilton. Anyway, continue, Dan.

[1:18:35] Stuart literally started texting him and all that.

[1:18:37] No, I just got a message from Jesse Thorne,

[1:18:40] our podcast impresario,

[1:18:43] who I invited to be a guest on tonight's episode,

[1:18:46] But he's too busy, in his words, bow-king, which I think he means bowling, with the creator of Hamilton.

[1:18:53] Oh, and he didn't – well, when the creator of Hamilton hears my song, he'll appreciate it.

[1:18:58] Sure.

[1:18:59] So I assumed that you were texting your uncle to tell him, you know that new sound you've been looking for?

[1:19:05] Yep.

[1:19:06] Well, listen to this text.

[1:19:08] It's your cousin.

[1:19:09] It's your cousin.

[1:19:11] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:12] Hey, it's your cousin, Stuart Spector.

[1:19:16] You're still in jail?

[1:19:17] Well, that sound you were looking for

[1:19:19] when you get out of jail for murder?

[1:19:20] So this first letter

[1:19:24] is from Jake, last name withheld.

[1:19:25] Gyllenhaal.

[1:19:26] I recently started re-listening

[1:19:27] to the old episodes

[1:19:28] and just finished enjoying

[1:19:29] episode 27, 27 Dresses.

[1:19:31] The rare romantic comedy

[1:19:33] in your catalog,

[1:19:34] the three of you managed to...

[1:19:36] Except for Christian Mingle.

[1:19:37] Yeah.

[1:19:37] The three of you managed to touch

[1:19:38] on various topics

[1:19:39] related to female empowerment,

[1:19:41] such as Katherine Heigl's boobs

[1:19:43] and Hathaway's boobs.

[1:19:45] How hot Malin Ackerman is relative to Katherine Heigl.

[1:19:48] How puffy Katherine Heigl's face is.

[1:19:51] And how Stewart's mustache is not quite Sam Elliott caliber, but is at least Brolin quality.

[1:19:56] This all culminates with one of the most...

[1:19:58] I will say, it is unfair to judge something on characteristics it never boasted of in the first place.

[1:20:08] It is nowhere in our mission statement to do anything but be idiots.

[1:20:13] This all culminates with one of the more chilling moments in Flophouse history.

[1:20:17] Dan menacingly threatening to anally rape Stuart.

[1:20:20] I gotta listen to this episode.

[1:20:23] I don't remember any of this.

[1:20:25] It was a different time.

[1:20:27] So I guess my question is, given you guys haven't picked the chick flip mantle up since,

[1:20:32] what are some examples of the genre that you all actually enjoy?

[1:20:35] I thought we saw a little bit of Heaven.

[1:20:37] That's a different kind of chick flick.

[1:20:39] That's like a Steel Magnolias type thing.

[1:20:43] We watched those two Nicholas Sparks movies.

[1:20:44] Yeah, the one about the ghost.

[1:20:46] And I didn't see the other one.

[1:20:48] What about that one where Zac Efron's just trying to get a piece?

[1:20:51] Oh, yeah, that awkward moment?

[1:20:53] I didn't watch that one.

[1:20:54] I mean, that's not a chick flick at all.

[1:20:56] That's a bro flick.

[1:20:57] As is We Are Your Friends, another Zac Efron movie.

[1:20:59] So what was the question?

[1:21:02] What are some, quote, chick flicks?

[1:21:04] Not a fan of the title, but what are some?

[1:21:07] Are we talking about, like, romantic comedies?

[1:21:09] Because a little while ago I recommended Man Up with Simon Pegg.

[1:21:18] And what's her name?

[1:21:19] I like that one.

[1:21:21] I recommend Sleeping With Other People shortly thereafter.

[1:21:24] That was a fun one with Alison Brie and Jason Sudeikis.

[1:21:26] I have to admit, I have a fondness for the...

[1:21:33] Dan loves Love Actually.

[1:21:36] Specifically that one storyline where the one creepy guy uses the fucking placards to express that he's being a dicky, shitty friend.

[1:21:45] That's a movie that's very entertaining and very terrible at the same time.

[1:21:48] Yep.

[1:21:48] It's not a good movie.

[1:21:49] But what about when Hugh Grant, the boss of that girl, makes his moves on that girl that is his employee?

[1:21:55] That's really cool.

[1:21:56] I've got to admit, I've never seen Love, actually.

[1:21:58] Are you kidding me?

[1:21:59] It's great.

[1:21:59] I've never seen it.

[1:22:00] Maybe someday.

[1:22:01] Four Weddings and a Funeral and Nodding Hill are okay, though, if you're going to go with Richard Burris movies.

[1:22:05] I mean, a while ago I recommended Middle of Nowhere, which is a movie about a woman.

[1:22:09] It's not a comedy.

[1:22:10] I mean, the best romantic comedies are like old movies, I feel like.

[1:22:15] Like how old?

[1:22:16] Like, I don't know.

[1:22:18] Yeah, like Hard Bodies.

[1:22:19] You know, like Hollywood Hot Tubs.

[1:22:22] Preston Sturges era.

[1:22:24] Yeah, Weird Science.

[1:22:26] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:22:26] I mean, I wouldn't call those romantic comedies necessarily.

[1:22:29] You're getting into screwball territory, which is a comedy that has romance in it,

[1:22:34] But the romance is not of the wooing type through delicacy and grace or even two people communicating on the same level.

[1:22:43] It's wooing through violent disagreement and discord that is a representation of suppressed sexual drives.

[1:22:49] I mean, I guess, yeah, sure, romance.

[1:22:52] So what's, I don't know.

[1:22:56] I mean, I don't, at this point.

[1:22:59] I mean, the best romantic comedy in my mind is His Girl Friday,

[1:23:01] and that's a guy browbeating a woman.

[1:23:04] And the woman made fun of him for the whole time.

[1:23:08] It's a chilling tale of a woman who has escaped an overbearing and possessive boss

[1:23:13] who she was also married to, and then being drawn back into his clutches at the end.

[1:23:17] She is equally brassy in that movie.

[1:23:20] But by the end of it, it is clear that he plays the tune and she just dances to it.

[1:23:24] Okay.

[1:23:24] When she's like, we'll have a honeymoon, right?

[1:23:26] And he's like, sure, sure, sure.

[1:23:27] Anyway, there's a big story.

[1:23:28] We're going to go cover that.

[1:23:29] Okay, yeah, and then we'll have a honeymoon?

[1:23:30] Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[1:23:31] Chilling.

[1:23:31] They are not equals.

[1:23:33] Sad.

[1:23:34] Wow, you're like Donald Trump's Twitter feed.

[1:23:38] That's a movie I like, too.

[1:23:40] I just wouldn't call it a romance.

[1:23:41] Okay, so I think we answered that question.

[1:23:44] So it's one of those things where I feel like I can't think of one off the top of my head,

[1:23:49] even though I know I've seen a bunch.

[1:23:51] But there's something about most romantic comedies that,

[1:23:55] and I don't know if this is me being a misogynist,

[1:23:58] Just doesn't, it doesn't press the buttons that for me equal a movie that I'm enjoying watching at the moment.

[1:24:03] What would a chick would like, does chick flick only mean romantic comedy or are we talking about something like Dirty Dancing, a movie that I have recommended on this podcast?

[1:24:12] Or even like A League of Their Own, which is a movie about women, which is great.

[1:24:15] Or like I just finished watching the other day Daughters of the Dust, which is not entirely about women but is very much from a female point of view and is really good.

[1:24:25] but it's not a romance, or it's not a romantic comedy.

[1:24:28] There's romantic elements, and I wouldn't call it a chick flick.

[1:24:30] I don't know.

[1:24:32] I don't know what the parameters of that genre are,

[1:24:36] so it's hard for me to think of what I've seen that fits it.

[1:24:38] Yeah, you need to understand the edges of the sandbox you're playing in.

[1:24:41] So I guess I'm going to have to say Tank Girl.

[1:24:43] Sure.

[1:24:44] That's not even a good movie.

[1:24:46] The craft.

[1:24:50] The craft.

[1:24:51] And for all the sexist stuff you listed up front,

[1:24:55] I'm sorry, we used to be bigger knuckleheads

[1:24:57] even than we are today.

[1:24:59] I guess so.

[1:25:00] I mean, it's like, I don't know what the...

[1:25:03] There's no excuse for it.

[1:25:05] I would have to see the context of the remarks, sir.

[1:25:07] Yeah, let's get a transcript and pour over it afterwards.

[1:25:10] And also, we did start doing this,

[1:25:12] just being for myself,

[1:25:13] when I was in my early to mid-20s, so...

[1:25:16] No excuse, Elliot.

[1:25:18] I didn't even know what...

[1:25:19] I'd never even talked to a girl before.

[1:25:21] It was all the sublimated anger of a nerd

[1:25:23] where women couldn't see why he was a great guy they should date

[1:25:28] even though he never talked to them and just kind of looked at them in a creepy way

[1:25:31] hoping they would start talking to him.

[1:25:33] That turned into a kind of rage that could only erupt through the venom

[1:25:38] that nowadays with Twitter would be, I guess, aimed at a Ghostbuster.

[1:25:42] But at the time I had no outlet other than Katherine Heigl.

[1:25:46] Most of my interactions with women were female characters in JRPGs

[1:25:50] that I watched my friend play.

[1:25:53] This next letter is from Tom, last name withheld.

[1:25:59] Hardy.

[1:25:59] Oh, oh.

[1:26:00] I like dogs.

[1:26:02] What do you think of them?

[1:26:03] I think they're great.

[1:26:05] I mean, I'm a huge fan of his, so anything he reaches out and talks about is interesting.

[1:26:09] The email said, if Elliot said Selleck, give him a point.

[1:26:13] Oh, so close.

[1:26:15] Oh, wow, you're working at a deficit already.

[1:26:17] When my parents asked my brother Jeff what they should name me, he said Magnum, as in P.I., not the condom.

[1:26:23] They don't know that.

[1:26:24] But to the point.

[1:26:25] Or the ice cream.

[1:26:26] Floppers, for the past three months,

[1:26:27] I've inadvertently been listening to all of my podcasts

[1:26:29] at 1.4 speed and never noticed...

[1:26:32] What, did Zubin write this?

[1:26:33] Yeah, this is Zubin.

[1:26:33] ...and never noticed over the 90-plus episodes I've listened to.

[1:26:36] In fact, I may never have known of this

[1:26:39] unless my wife asked why the hell it was playing so fast

[1:26:43] the first time she heard an episode.

[1:26:44] For all these months of listening,

[1:26:46] I never understood why people talk about how depressed Dan sounds.

[1:26:49] Now I do.

[1:26:50] He sounded as chipper as a micromachines guy.

[1:26:53] Dan, please talk 40% faster at all times.

[1:26:55] You are so much funnier at that speed.

[1:26:57] Wait, wait, wait.

[1:26:58] Dan can barely speak coherent words at this speed.

[1:27:01] Yeah.

[1:27:01] Dan was so much funnier at that speed,

[1:27:03] Elliot made my eyes start to bleed from the corners.

[1:27:06] Well, read on.

[1:27:09] Read on, McDuff.

[1:27:11] Even though it's only 40% faster,

[1:27:12] you sound 80% less depressing.

[1:27:14] It's a great value.

[1:27:15] Elliot, your voice is not annoying at all at normal speed.

[1:27:18] That's not true.

[1:27:19] I suggest you talk 40% faster from time to time

[1:27:22] just so people realize how much worse it could be.

[1:27:24] Stuart, your voice exists out of time

[1:27:28] and sounds remarkably unchanged regardless of speed.

[1:27:30] Yeah.

[1:27:31] Flop on and flop hard, Tom.

[1:27:33] So, I guess I'm sorry for talking slower than I should be.

[1:27:40] Hey, you don't owe him a damn thing.

[1:27:42] Yeah.

[1:27:43] But you could pep it up a little.

[1:27:45] Let's see you smile.

[1:27:46] That's the moral of, like, the whole letter segment.

[1:27:48] We don't owe you people a damn thing.

[1:27:51] But still, Dan, like, give us a smile every once in a while.

[1:27:53] Come on, pretty, pretty.

[1:27:54] Give me a smile.

[1:27:55] Come on, honey.

[1:27:56] Looking good.

[1:27:57] Smile, baby.

[1:27:58] I don't like this at all.

[1:27:59] Hey, come on.

[1:27:59] Light up the world.

[1:28:01] Just smile.

[1:28:01] Even as a joke, I don't care for this.

[1:28:02] I'm giving you a taste of what it's like, Dan.

[1:28:05] Yeah.

[1:28:05] Hashtag check yourself.

[1:28:07] Hashtag woke.

[1:28:08] Herman Woke, author of The Winds of War and War and Remembrance, and Marjorie Morningstar

[1:28:15] and The Kane Mutiny.

[1:28:16] Marjorie Morningstar sounds like an awesome paladin.

[1:28:20] You know, a nun turned paladin.

[1:28:23] Yeah.

[1:28:23] Herman Welk is one of those authors, and maybe this is just my experience,

[1:28:27] where your dad has a lot of books by him, so you're like,

[1:28:29] he must be a great author, and he's very readable.

[1:28:31] And when you're older, you're like, he's a very good author.

[1:28:33] He's not a great author.

[1:28:35] Sure.

[1:28:36] Okay, well, this has been the Flophouse Literary Corner.

[1:28:38] Can we have the Literary Corner theme?

[1:28:40] There's only, uh, hey, everybody, let's look at some books.

[1:28:44] Book at some looks.

[1:28:45] Rook with some gooks.

[1:28:47] Let's have some books for looks and nooks.

[1:28:50] Here we go.

[1:28:51] Get your hooks on some books.

[1:28:53] Flophouse Literary Corner.

[1:28:56] Because usually your dad's bookshelf is filled with only great authors like Ludlums, your Bernard Cornwells, or in the case of my dad, a hastily hidden DVD copy of Dancing at the Blue Iguana with Daryl Hannah.

[1:29:12] Where I'm like, this isn't even porn, dad.

[1:29:14] What's going on?

[1:29:15] It's like this weird extended improv exercise

[1:29:17] setting up strip club.

[1:29:19] That's what I'm into, son.

[1:29:21] This one goes like this.

[1:29:23] Who wrote Pillars of the Earth?

[1:29:25] I don't remember.

[1:29:27] That's one of my dad's favorites.

[1:29:29] Anyway.

[1:29:30] This is from Irvin, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:29:32] I was recently in NYC for the Delclose Marathon

[1:29:35] and to visit Hinterlands.

[1:29:37] Never heard of it.

[1:29:39] I found myself on two occasions in the same room

[1:29:41] with performers I admire and celebrate.

[1:29:43] Let's just call them celebrities for short.

[1:29:45] the first time was at the performers party at the delco's marathon i saw the likes of

[1:29:50] jason matsukas lauren lapkus mary holland and chris gethard people wouldn't stop going up to

[1:29:55] them to praise their work the celebrities were generous with their time even when it looked like

[1:29:59] they were just trying to go to the bathroom i decided to leave the celebrities alone i'm just

[1:30:03] some tubby middle-aged weirdo they don't know why bother them the second time was in hinterlands

[1:30:09] stewart and dan were at the bar as i walked up stewart said to dan dude do you want some coffee

[1:30:15] or something?

[1:30:15] That's a pretty good impression.

[1:30:18] Seems like Dan got shit-faced on a Sunday afternoon

[1:30:21] and Stuart was looking after his buddy.

[1:30:22] Shit-faced on a Sunday

[1:30:25] afternoon.

[1:30:26] I determined right then...

[1:30:28] Did I hide down, down, down

[1:30:31] da-da-da-da-da-da-da, yeah.

[1:30:32] I determined right then that it wasn't a good time to

[1:30:35] introduce myself. I ordered a drink and sat

[1:30:37] on the patio. What do you do when you

[1:30:38] encounter in the wild a person whose creative work

[1:30:40] you appreciate so much that you regard them as a celebrity?

[1:30:43] My normal approach is to

[1:30:45] leave that person alone but i have an odd sense of regret for not introducing myself thanks for

[1:30:49] the flopping peaches ervin last name with hell now let's let's go back for a moment and just

[1:30:54] clarify yeah yeah i remember this time promises of what i mean to you giving me coffee i don't

[1:31:04] drink coffee ever as a either a hangover cure or an attempt to sober up because because it's not

[1:31:11] effective for either okay uh i was just really tired i was not drunk sure hey whatever doesn't

[1:31:17] matter i mean you can be doesn't matter as drunk as you want i'm saying that this guy should have

[1:31:21] just come up and said hi look sunday morning coming down the beer you had for breakfast was

[1:31:24] so good you had another for dessert all right i've said this a bunch of times on the podcast

[1:31:30] and i think it's i mean it might be a little self-serving but if you are ever around me and

[1:31:36] are wondering if it would be weird

[1:31:38] or anything for you to introduce yourself,

[1:31:40] I would personally love it for you to

[1:31:42] introduce yourself, so don't think it's weird

[1:31:44] on my account. I think it's great. I like

[1:31:46] talking to people.

[1:31:46] That's awesome.

[1:31:49] I mean... Yeah, I don't want this person

[1:31:52] to feel like they missed an opportunity, but...

[1:31:54] I mean, we probably would just talk about boring

[1:31:56] bullshit anyway, so you probably

[1:31:58] won out on that one. Same goes

[1:32:00] for me. Look, I... If you can

[1:32:02] find a rare Elliot sighting in the wild,

[1:32:04] that's like catching a fucking

[1:32:06] new to out there man like they are rare as shit you've just seen a slow loris out on a tree

[1:32:11] somewhere that's he's usually hiding inside of a hole yep so get him talking uh don't be

[1:32:17] antagonistic toward nelly don't be like uh do you even like abraham lincoln because that's just you

[1:32:23] trying too hard man step off i'm leaving yeah but uh i was at the i forget if maybe it was father's

[1:32:29] day i was at the turtle back zoo in new jersey my hometown zoo and uh which they have refurbished

[1:32:35] and made much nicer than it was when I grew up there at the zoo.

[1:32:39] And I was there with my dad and with my family,

[1:32:42] and a guy came up and was like,

[1:32:43] are you Elliot Kalin from the Flophouse?

[1:32:45] Da-da-da-da-da.

[1:32:45] And he was very nice.

[1:32:47] And it was just a very brief encounter.

[1:32:49] We talked a little bit about the podcast.

[1:32:51] And my dad, that was months ago,

[1:32:53] my dad still brings it up all the time.

[1:32:56] He could not have been more pleased and delighted

[1:32:58] to have seen me noticed like a celebrity

[1:33:01] and have somebody be interested in talking to me.

[1:33:04] So, like, if you ever see me, even when I'm with my family, come on up and say hello.

[1:33:08] Like, if I'm with my dad, my in-laws, impresses the hell out of them.

[1:33:11] Just come on up and pretend I'm important.

[1:33:13] Yeah, for some reason you're using a magnifying glass just looking around in the street.

[1:33:16] You're like, oh, there's an Elliot Kaelin down there.

[1:33:18] Hey, what's going on?

[1:33:19] I asked for actual celebrities, though.

[1:33:23] I feel like part of it is there's a scale.

[1:33:27] Like, we are not actually famous, so we are delighted.

[1:33:31] We're not even almost famous.

[1:33:32] That's a movie.

[1:33:34] Yeah, we're not a DVD copy of Almost Famous.

[1:33:37] Not yet, but I keep trying.

[1:33:38] But because of our lack of fame,

[1:33:41] we're delighted when we're treated as famous.

[1:33:43] I think that probably there's a scale

[1:33:46] where minor celebrities are more keen on being noticed

[1:33:50] and interacted with than major celebrities.

[1:33:52] Yeah, and then all the way at the top,

[1:33:53] you have the most famous person, Amos,

[1:33:54] who does not like to be noticed.

[1:33:56] No.

[1:33:56] That's why he disguises himself with a cookie tin.

[1:33:59] Yeah.

[1:33:59] I feel like, for the most part,

[1:34:02] If you go up to somebody and introduce yourself and just say that you like their work and that's about it, I think even the most famous person will be at least somewhat happy about it.

[1:34:14] And if they're not happy about it, they're probably going through some shit.

[1:34:17] There are definitely people that I was too nervous to go up to and say hello to, even within the past couple years, and I regret it after that.

[1:34:24] Doesn't Hodgman have a set of rules for interacting with celebrities where you –

[1:34:29] I think it's basically what you said.

[1:34:30] Like, you go up to them, say you appreciate what they do,

[1:34:34] and then you leave them alone.

[1:34:35] Yeah, yeah.

[1:34:36] And I think that's a pretty good set of rules.

[1:34:40] I mean, that's life lessons you can live by.

[1:34:43] Mm-hmm.

[1:34:43] And maybe, you know, if they seem interested in keeping the conversation going,

[1:34:49] that's a different thing.

[1:34:50] Maybe over a drink.

[1:34:52] Yeah.

[1:34:53] At their place.

[1:34:54] Yeah, or in the case of Hodgman,

[1:34:56] some kind of weird antagonistic relationship.

[1:34:59] where he shows affection by being mean

[1:35:01] and ultimately bullying and very helpful.

[1:35:04] Yeah, that could happen.

[1:35:05] But we're running long,

[1:35:10] so I think that that's the end of the letter segment.

[1:35:12] Sorry, other letters.

[1:35:14] Sorry, one other letter that won't get read.

[1:35:16] That was a really good letter, too.

[1:35:19] Before a Shocktober episode.

[1:35:20] So what's the next part we do, Danny?

[1:35:22] Don't call me that.

[1:35:24] The next part is...

[1:35:26] Okay, Danzo.

[1:35:28] Dan's in in the dark.

[1:35:29] The next is recommendations of movies we actually liked in opposition to Christian Mingle.

[1:35:38] I'll go first just to speed it along.

[1:35:41] Christian Mingle about a woman who's desperately trying to get married reminded me of a movie that I watched recently about some women who are not so interested in getting married.

[1:35:50] That was really good.

[1:35:51] It's called Mustang and it's from Turkey.

[1:35:54] And it was Turkey's entry for the, it was nominated for Best Foreign Language Film at the Academy Awards last year.

[1:36:00] It's about five daughters, five sisters who are from their kind of mid-teens to the youngest daughter is probably about 12.

[1:36:09] And after a day when they are seen too publicly kind of like playing on the beach with boys, their very conservative uncle and grandmother, who are their guardians, decide they got to get them married off quick.

[1:36:24] and they're going to lock them down in the house

[1:36:25] and not let them out until then

[1:36:27] because they're bringing too much shame on the family.

[1:36:29] And it becomes almost kind of like a prison picture

[1:36:31] about these five sisters.

[1:36:33] And it's alternately very funny at times

[1:36:37] and very harrowing at other times.

[1:36:39] And it was just really, really good.

[1:36:41] So Mustang from Turkey.

[1:36:43] I'm going to recommend a movie that I wasn't,

[1:36:48] I was maybe not in the right brain space to watch it

[1:36:52] and enjoy it as fully as I should have.

[1:36:54] I was looking for something light

[1:36:58] and escapist, but

[1:37:00] through

[1:37:01] circumstance, I ended up watching instead

[1:37:04] The Duke of Burgundy.

[1:37:06] The

[1:37:07] movie about a

[1:37:10] sort of master-slave

[1:37:12] sexual relationship that was

[1:37:14] shot in the style of

[1:37:16] old Euro-smut

[1:37:18] films from the 70s,

[1:37:20] but has a little bit more on its mind.

[1:37:22] It's about this lesbian relationship.

[1:37:26] You first encounter these women as one of them comes as a maid

[1:37:31] to the other one's house,

[1:37:32] and the mistress treats her very poorly.

[1:37:37] And it's only over a period of time that you come to realize,

[1:37:41] oh, that they're enacting this kind of ritualized scene

[1:37:46] between the two of them

[1:37:47] that's going to end up in a sexual encounter and uh it's very restrained for a movie about a lesbian

[1:37:57] snm relationship or it's about as tasteful as any movie that has the phrase human toilet in it

[1:38:04] ever could be uh i'm just like i'm saying like it's not a movie to watch yeah like for a movie

[1:38:11] that doesn't feature sam kinnison shouting you're not gonna and it's not a family picture it's not

[1:38:17] It's not a family picture.

[1:38:18] You know what?

[1:38:19] Everyone's in the same house for Christmas again.

[1:38:21] Let's just pop in the Duke of Burgundy.

[1:38:23] I think Grandma will like that.

[1:38:25] Should we watch that movie about the dogs who get all captured

[1:38:27] and the kids have to rescue the dogs from the pound?

[1:38:29] Should we watch the movie where Kevin Spacey becomes a cat?

[1:38:32] Or should we watch this?

[1:38:33] It's not a family picture,

[1:38:35] but other than references to sex and some lingerie,

[1:38:39] it's also not explicit, really.

[1:38:41] It's more of a movie about a relationship

[1:38:44] and showing how over time this ritualized sexual relationship

[1:38:51] is causing some strain on the relationship,

[1:38:55] on the person specifically who has to be the dominant one

[1:38:59] and has to always be fulfilling the fantasies of the submissive woman.

[1:39:04] And it's kind of funny in certain ways.

[1:39:08] It's very beautifully shot.

[1:39:09] It's kind of sad.

[1:39:13] Again, I saw it on a day that I was looking for something a little more goofy.

[1:39:18] So if you're in that mood, maybe don't watch it.

[1:39:20] But I'm glad I saw it because it's very well done.

[1:39:24] So Duke of Burgundy.

[1:39:25] So I'm going to give you guys a little bit of a sneak peek for a recommendation.

[1:39:31] This is a movie that I only watched about half of so far.

[1:39:35] But, oh, boy, it's a hot pizza.

[1:39:38] Okay.

[1:39:40] I'm talking about straight-to-Netflix action flick Hard Target 2 starring Scott Adkins and my girl Rona Mitra.

[1:39:55] Hell, yeah.

[1:39:57] It's on Netflix?

[1:39:57] Yeah, yeah.

[1:39:58] You hear those two names, and you're like, oh, man, this one's going to be a fucking banger.

[1:40:01] Better lock the doors.

[1:40:03] And you're kind of right.

[1:40:06] It seems, Stuart, like you're extemporizing an audition to replace Joe Bob Riggs.

[1:40:12] Yeah, so it opens up with Scott Adkins fucking killing his friend with a sweet-ass jump kick.

[1:40:21] And then it turns into a hard target movie where he accepts a job from this creepy-ass European dude

[1:40:32] for what he thinks is going to be a no-holds-barred fucking battle

[1:40:37] because he's super sad about killing his friend

[1:40:39] with that aforementioned jump kick,

[1:40:41] so he's been drinking a lot.

[1:40:43] He's been drinking a lot and beating the shit out of dudes for money.

[1:40:47] So he takes this job, and it turns out, uh-oh,

[1:40:50] he's being hunted by these other asswipes for money.

[1:40:53] Because that's what hard targets are about.

[1:40:55] Yeah, he's a hard target.

[1:40:56] It's the most dangerous game.

[1:40:57] And one of the people hunting him is, of course,

[1:41:00] rona mitra carrying a couple of fucking crossbow pistols which is fucking awesome uh and then uh i

[1:41:06] fell asleep because i was drinking a lot and it was like six in the morning but don't worry guys

[1:41:11] i'll give you a full report next time uh and my other movie i'm going to recommend that i watched

[1:41:18] all of is uh the nice guys the uh the latest uh like that one shane black joint uh kind of a

[1:41:26] companion piece in some ways to kiss kiss bang bang uh it's a 70s noir uh comedy with some really

[1:41:36] great standout performances from ryan gosling and a surprisingly hilarious performance by russell

[1:41:42] crowe you know uh font of comedy juice russell crowe so did you watch the whole movie i watched

[1:41:49] all of it. I did not fall asleep

[1:41:50] a once.

[1:41:51] And I think it's great.

[1:41:53] And you should go check it out.

[1:41:57] The Nice Guys.

[1:41:58] And at least

[1:42:01] the first half of Hard Target 2.

[1:42:02] I watched a movie called Mr. Nice

[1:42:05] Guy the other day.

[1:42:06] The Jackie Chan movie? No.

[1:42:08] I don't think that was it. Who's in it?

[1:42:11] A different one. You don't think that was it?

[1:42:12] So you don't remember if Jackie Chan

[1:42:15] was in the movie or not?

[1:42:16] One of the biggest stars in the world.

[1:42:18] Jackie Chan usually makes a pretty specific impression.

[1:42:21] No, wait.

[1:42:22] It's not like you couldn't remember

[1:42:25] if it was like,

[1:42:26] whether it was like

[1:42:29] James Agar or

[1:42:32] John Agar, like, you know,

[1:42:35] or Peter Graves, you know, something like that.

[1:42:37] In a movie from the 50s.

[1:42:38] All right. Maybe I was thinking of a different movie.

[1:42:40] This story didn't go anywhere.

[1:42:43] You still don't know if Jackie Chan was in it.

[1:42:44] Here's Dan.

[1:42:46] I'm going to ask you one simple question.

[1:42:48] Was Jackie Chan in the movie?

[1:42:50] Jackie Chan.

[1:42:51] Whatever movie I watched, it did not have Jackie Chan in it.

[1:42:54] So it's not the Mr. Nice Guy that Stuart is referring to.

[1:42:57] No.

[1:42:57] Let's checkmate.

[1:42:59] Let's not pretend we live in this fun world where you could have seen Mr. Nice Guy with Jackie Chan.

[1:43:06] It was not that movie.

[1:43:08] I think we've established through this one piece of information.

[1:43:11] All right, Sherlock Holmes.

[1:43:14] Slylock Fox.

[1:43:16] I just wanted to

[1:43:19] take out any reasonable doubt

[1:43:22] that you had maybe watched a Jackie Chan

[1:43:24] movie and somehow had forgotten

[1:43:26] that the very

[1:43:28] unique star Jackie Chan

[1:43:30] whose synthesis of martial

[1:43:32] arts virtuosity and slapstick

[1:43:34] humor is

[1:43:35] unparalleled in my mind

[1:43:38] by anyone in the world

[1:43:40] that you didn't somehow

[1:43:41] overlook his

[1:43:44] contributions to all this

[1:43:46] who was the guy who did a really funny ladder battle with four organized crime hitmen i don't

[1:43:54] even remember there's no way of saying all right we're just gonna have to assume we're in some

[1:44:00] universe where it both was and was not jackie chan until through observing the film we collapse

[1:44:07] those possibilities into

[1:44:09] one point in time.

[1:44:11] Sure.

[1:44:11] Alright.

[1:44:14] Let's just not leave the audience hanging, is what I'm saying.

[1:44:17] Thinking that

[1:44:19] you have some sort of Jackie Chan

[1:44:21] specific amnesia

[1:44:22] that only affects your ability

[1:44:25] to remember the presence

[1:44:27] of Jackie Chan.

[1:44:28] The king

[1:44:31] of martial arts comedies

[1:44:32] for three decades, at least.

[1:44:35] Okay.

[1:44:36] alright well thank you

[1:44:39] for that

[1:44:39] so I guess watch Mr. Price

[1:44:42] Dan watch it tonight

[1:44:45] just to make sure it wasn't the movie you saw before

[1:44:47] I'll take that homework assignment

[1:44:49] but

[1:44:50] we appreciate

[1:44:53] your listening

[1:44:53] a lot of great shows on the MaxFun Network

[1:44:56] listen to other shows on the MaxFun Network

[1:44:57] there's a ton of them

[1:44:59] a ton of them more popular than us

[1:45:01] for good reason at this point

[1:45:03] anything by the McElroys

[1:45:06] Throwing Shade, Judge John Hodgman

[1:45:09] Adam Ruins Everything

[1:45:10] All more popular than us

[1:45:12] Throw some support to the ones that don't need it

[1:45:14] Yeah, go ahead

[1:45:14] Yeah, we got this, it's a great show

[1:45:17] With our boys Gagliardi

[1:45:18] Oh no, Ross and Carrie was mentioned before

[1:45:21] What else, Bullseye is a great show

[1:45:24] A lot of Jordan and Jesse Go

[1:45:26] Yeah, yeah

[1:45:27] The inspiration of this podcast

[1:45:29] Dairy Report

[1:45:31] They're all great

[1:45:33] Beef and Dairy Network

[1:45:35] Oh, Beef and Dairy Network, sorry.

[1:45:36] It's the mother rifle show that's all about lamb.

[1:45:39] Sorry.

[1:45:40] But now we have to say goodbye so we can rest up for Shocktober.

[1:45:46] Oh, boy, because it's, what, a three-peat Shocktober?

[1:45:49] It's a three-episode Shocktober this year.

[1:45:52] It's going to get nasty.

[1:45:54] So even though you're sad that Small Vember is gone.

[1:45:59] Leave it behind.

[1:46:01] It's dead now.

[1:46:02] Yeah.

[1:46:03] Just keep walking.

[1:46:04] There's nothing you can do to save it.

[1:46:05] Yeah.

[1:46:06] We got better and bigger things coming up.

[1:46:09] So, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:46:13] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:46:16] And I'm Elliot Kalin,

[1:46:18] a man who's fully aware of when he's seen Jackie Chan on film.

[1:46:21] Good night, everyone.

[1:46:23] Okay.

[1:46:31] You doing all right?

[1:46:32] Just waking up?

[1:46:33] Doing some vocal exercise.

[1:46:36] Trying to get my brain right.

[1:46:38] Let's get your brain right.

[1:46:40] I guess.

[1:46:41] Okay, well, let's do some puzzle teasers to get your brain working.

[1:46:43] We'll do this.

[1:46:44] Uh-huh.

[1:46:45] Okay.

[1:46:45] So Slylock Fox and Max Mouse are both walking at two miles an hour.

[1:46:50] Okay.

[1:46:51] Fast for a mouse.

[1:46:53] Two miles an hour.

[1:46:56] Can you hold off on questions until after I'm done?

[1:46:58] Okay, not a question, but yes.

[1:47:02] And they take a fork in the road.

[1:47:06] Yeah.

[1:47:06] Meanwhile, Max Mouse has consumed one kilogram of cheese.

[1:47:16] Meanwhile?

[1:47:16] Like while he's eating or while he's walking?

[1:47:18] While he's eating, definitely.

[1:47:20] Also while he's walking.

[1:47:22] How much do they weigh, considering the amount of kilojoules of energy is burned off,

[1:47:28] by the time they reach Cincinnati?

[1:47:32] so where did they start

[1:47:33] I'm not done I said no questions

[1:47:36] until the end

[1:47:37] they started in Cleveland

[1:47:42] okay

[1:47:43] simple trans Ohio walk

[1:47:46] as we've all done

[1:47:49] alright

[1:47:51] are you not going to answer

[1:47:53] alright

[1:47:56] they weigh

[1:47:57] a fox amount

[1:47:59] fox amount

[1:48:01] so you're saying the mouse has a negligible weight yeah it's not even countable not even

[1:48:07] recordable yeah um okay here's one let's say the crypt keeper has four wormy boners okay he gives

[1:48:17] seems like a lot half those wormy boners to stewart okay i accept them greedily stewart

[1:48:24] gives half of those

[1:48:25] wormy boners

[1:48:26] to Dan.

[1:48:27] Okay.

[1:48:28] Dan

[1:48:29] then gives half of

[1:48:31] How many wormy boners

[1:48:31] do we start with?

[1:48:32] Dude,

[1:48:32] come on.

[1:48:34] Or?

[1:48:35] Forget it.

[1:48:36] Never mind.

[1:48:37] Forget it.

[1:48:38] If you're not going to

[1:48:40] help yourself,

[1:48:41] I can't help you.

[1:48:42] Maximumfun.org

[1:48:46] Comedy and culture.

[1:48:47] Artist owned.

[1:48:48] Listener supported.

[1:48:49] Good news, everyone.

[1:48:52] There are still

[1:48:53] a few tickets

[1:48:53] remaining for the London Podcast Festival, September 22nd through 26th. We've just announced

[1:49:00] a dazzling new addition to the Bullseye lineup. Sharon Horgan, creator and star of the hit shows

[1:49:06] Pulling and Catastrophe, as well as a new show, Divorce, which launches soon on HBO.

[1:49:12] Comedian Josie Long, Veep creator Armando Iannucci, and musician Romare round out the

[1:49:18] Bullseye lineup. But the fun doesn't stop there, friends. International Waters and Judge John

[1:49:23] Hodgman tickets are still available too. Do not sleep on this. Feast your eyes on the juicy full

[1:49:30] lineup and grab your tickets right now at MaximumFun.org.

Ep. #213 - Christian Mingle

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