Ep. #213 - Christian Mingle

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Tonight on the Flophouse, we watched Christian Mingle.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] So we watched Christian's Mingling.

[0:06] No, we watched Christian Mingle.

[0:08] Is that a guy named Christian?

[0:10] His last name is Mingle?

[0:12] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[0:12] Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Mingle.

[0:14] Fifty Shades of Mingle.

[0:17] Stuart?

[0:18] That's all.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:51] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:53] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:55] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] No need to sound like I don't know my own name.

[0:59] Because I remember it.

[1:00] Stuart, are you doing okay?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01] I'm doing a bit, dude.

[1:02] Come on, why you gotta call me out on it?

[1:04] That's a character I'm working.

[1:06] What's the name?

[1:06] What's the character?

[1:08] Stuart Wellington.

[1:10] See, you took a moment to write your name there.

[1:11] That's good.

[1:12] I like this character.

[1:12] He's this cool new dude.

[1:14] It's like slight inconvenience memento guy.

[1:16] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17] Well, you know, he's got a lot on his mind.

[1:18] He's thinking about some high concept stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] High concept stuff?

[1:23] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:23] Like Christopher Nolan movie plots.

[1:26] A cop, not a cop movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28] Yeah, I mean, that's...

[1:29] I feel like that's pitched right down the middle at Joe Everyman.

[1:33] All right.

[1:34] Comma, the plumber.

[1:36] Okay.

[1:38] A cop, not a cop.

[1:39] Like, that's a CBS show.

[1:41] That's every show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] So what would be a high concept?

[1:43] Well, give me an FX show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] Oh, an FX show?

[1:45] Well, it's gotta be a little bit badass.

[1:48] If it's a comedy, it's gotta be both a little bit edgy, a little bit sexy.

[1:52] And it also has to feature characters that you don't really like that much.

[1:57] But they're sexy and funny, so you want to be around them for 30 to 40 minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] It could also be, if it's FX, then it's like, hey, are you a pudgy white comedian who's depressed?

[2:06] Get a show on FX.

[2:08] Wow.

[2:09] Is that the ad?

[2:10] That's the slogan, yeah.

[2:12] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] So, this is a podcast.

[2:17] Where we talk about TV shows.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Where we just rag on people who are more successful than us.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] Yeah, that's mostly it.

[2:23] But then also, we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:26] Okay.

[2:26] And this month.

[2:27] I'll bite.

[2:28] This month.

[2:29] Yeah, he's gonna bite it.

[2:31] Don't bite it.

[2:33] Please.

Stuart Wellington

[2:34] Okay, so this month is what month, Dan?

[2:37] Small Timber.

[2:37] Small Vember.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] Small Vember, the month when we go to small, lower-budgeted movies, smaller films, as opposed

[2:44] to the big Hollywood blockbusters and knockwursts that we normally go after.

[2:48] Yep, and if people get fucking pissed.

[2:49] Knockwursts?

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:50] I'm thinking about meat.

[2:51] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] And if people get a little bit pissed at us for, you know, riling them up, they can't

[2:58] take us to big-time court, we have to go to small claims court.

[3:01] Because they're small movies.

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] The court where the judge is a little kid.

[3:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] And we drive there in our micro-machines.

[3:08] Wait, do we have to talk real fast the whole time?

[3:11] Mm-hmm.

[3:12] I can't do it, though, so I won't give you an example.

[3:15] All right.

[3:16] What about-

[3:16] I feel like that was a natural setup for something that I-

[3:19] Here's an idea for a cop movie.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] The spirit is willing, but the flesh is unable to do.

[3:23] Somebody is killing voiceover artists in Hollywood.

[3:26] Okay.

[3:27] Starts- Michael Winslow's the first-

[3:28] It's like Scream, where you think the big star is Michael Winslow, but he's killed

[3:32] off in the first scene.

[3:33] So-

[3:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:34] So it's Michael Winslow, Nolan North.

Elliott Kalan

[3:36] So, yeah, so Billy West.

[3:38] And like, so Bobby Mc-

[3:39] Frank Walker.

[3:40] So, yeah, Frank-

[3:41] So Bobby McFerrin and the micro-machines guy have to team up-

[3:44] Patrick Warburton.

[3:46] I guess so.

[3:47] I mean, I guess he kind of straddles the line a little bit.

[3:50] He's a crossover artist.

[3:51] He kind of started as an on-camera actor, as far as I can tell.

[3:53] So, I guess, like John DiMaggio, I guess, would be one of them, maybe.

[3:57] But so, so Bobby McFerrin and the micro-machines guy, who doesn't even have a name.

[4:03] He's just called M-Machines guy.

[4:06] They have to-

[4:07] Like, what about Yardley Smith?

Stuart Wellington

[4:09] Yardley.

[4:09] No.

[4:10] It's not Yardley?

[4:11] It's Yardley.

Elliott Kalan

[4:12] She's got a real-

[4:13] She's also, again, an on-camera career, maximum overdrive, Herman's Head, all sorts of stuff.

[4:18] So, I'm just not doing this-

[4:19] Legend of Billie Jean.

[4:19] I'm not doing this game right.

[4:20] Wasn't she in the opening of City Slakers, too?

Dan McCoy

[4:23] I believe that is correct.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] Was she the co-worker that Daniel Stern was sleeping with?

[4:27] Or is that somebody else?

Dan McCoy

[4:28] That sounds familiar.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] Guys, if I had a little miniature portable computer in my pocket that I could look at this up on

[4:33] and also make calls and take pictures-

[4:35] That I could look at this up on.

[4:36] I'd do it, but I can't.

[4:38] So, anyway, Bobby McFerrin and the micro-machines guy, they're on the case.

[4:42] But they can't stand each other, partly because micro-machines guy talks fast.

[4:46] Bobby McFerrin, he's like, don't worry, be happy, let's talk slow.

[4:49] They literally can't communicate.

[4:52] And they have to teach each other their own special brands of talking.

[4:56] See, Stuart, that's high concept.

Dan McCoy

[4:58] Okay, that sounds pretty great.

[5:00] And it's called Double Talk.

Stuart Wellington

[5:05] Isn't that already a Dennis Rodman and I want to say-

[5:09] That's Double Team.

[5:09] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:10] Actually, that's not even.

[5:11] Double Team is the one where it's two Jean-Claude Van Dames.

[5:13] The one where it's Steven Seagal and Dennis Rodman is, I think, the Glitter Man?

Dan McCoy

[5:17] Nope.

[5:18] No.

[5:18] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] That's-

[5:20] The Glimmer Man.

[5:21] No, that's Keenan and I are playing, isn't it?

[5:24] So, you know what?

[5:24] This one I'm looking up.

[5:26] I'm not looking up the other one.

Dan McCoy

[5:27] It's not the January Man.

[5:28] That's Kevin Kline.

[5:30] Simon Says.

[5:31] Dennis Rodman action.

Elliott Kalan

[5:33] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] So, while he's doing that, let's vamp a little bit, Dan.

[5:36] What do we do on this podcast normally?

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] We watch a bad movie.

[5:39] It was Double Team.

[5:40] You know what?

[5:40] I was wrong.

[5:41] I was wrong.

[5:42] It was Double Team.

[5:42] Okay, so now I guess I-

[5:43] You heard it here first.

[5:44] I'm in video.

[5:45] I was wrong.

[5:45] You got to work for me for a month.

[5:46] So, what was the one where Jean-Claude Van Damme was twins?

[5:49] The Double Impact?

[5:50] Double Impact.

[5:51] Oh, okay.

[5:51] And this is Double Team because I like-

[5:54] It's called Double Team, I guess, because there's two guys, unlike other movies where just one

[5:59] One or three people?

[6:00] Dennis Rodman, who's on his team.

Stuart Wellington

[6:02] Oh.

[6:02] There's two guys and there's only one bad guy, so they're Double Teaming, which is a foul.

[6:07] Hmm.

[6:07] It's quite foul.

[6:08] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:10] Yeah.

[6:10] I think that's a foul.

[6:11] I think it's like they're boning together.

[6:13] Is that what you mean by they're Double Teaming?

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] I don't know.

[6:16] Let's not-

[6:17] They're both punching him at the same time.

[6:19] Why does that have to be sexual?

[6:20] Guys, we've lost track of what we're talking about, which is that it's Small Vampire.

[6:24] Yep.

[6:24] When we look at smaller movies as opposed to big budget movies, and they're bad movies,

[6:28] and we talk about them.

[6:29] Uh-huh.

[6:30] And so, Dan, what movie did we watch this time as if it wasn't announced earlier?

[6:33] We watched a movie called Christian Mingle.

[6:36] Now, hold on a second.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] I thought that was a website like Food.com or Dee Snider Strange.

[6:41] Well, that explains why the picture we were watching never changed.

[6:44] It was just a bunch of little headshots of various people.

Stuart Wellington

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:47] I thought we review movies on this podcast, Dan, not websites.

[6:52] Not dating websites.

Dan McCoy

[6:54] That would be a good fucking idea for a podcast if someone just tried every dating method and

[6:59] reviewed each one of them.

[7:00] I mean, it's-

[7:01] It probably exists, right?

Stuart Wellington

[7:02] Not too far from Oh No, Ross, and Carrie, which is found on the MaxFun Network.

[7:06] That's true, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:07] So if you do a lot, theirs is more like weirdo cures and cults and things.

[7:11] Yeah, I mean, theirs is better.

[7:14] So, Dan, which dating site would you test first?

[7:18] Adult Friend Finder.

[7:19] I know that's the one you'd go for.

[7:21] Or that one where the pop-up ads come up that just say, like, lonely married women in your

[7:26] neighborhood.

[7:27] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[7:27] That's when you're just browsing around Pornhub, making sure that there's plenty of Ben 10 Alien

[7:32] Force Pornhub.

[7:33] I'm going to lay in on it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] What?

[7:36] That is not a situation I've ever even imagined.

Stuart Wellington

[7:39] You type in Toon Porn.

[7:42] No.

[7:43] And you're like, why are you even typing in Pornhub?

[7:45] You're on Pornhub.

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] The porn should be-

[7:47] It should be.

[7:48] Understood.

[7:49] I don't want any non-born cartoons showing up here.

[7:52] For all I know, someone's using this to bootleg Mary Melody.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] It's not a one.

[7:55] Well, look, it's the old mill.

[7:56] I don't want to watch that.

[7:57] I want to watch something with boobs in it.

[8:00] Well, I guess duck-a-muck again.

Stuart Wellington

[8:03] I guess I'll-

[8:04] Yeah, even though you fulfill the social counter.

Dan McCoy

[8:06] No, the skeleton dance.

[8:07] There's not even any skin on them.

[8:09] No.

[8:09] You can't see anything.

[8:11] I guess that's the most nude something can be is if they're a skeleton.

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] I guess I'll just-

[8:16] I had this duck season, wabbit season cartoon.

[8:18] I'll just call a threesome between Daffy and Bugs and Elmer, and I'll just go at it.

[8:22] Mm-hmm.

[8:23] So-

[8:23] I'll try and masturbate to this.

[8:26] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[8:27] So-

[8:27] Because if nothing-

[8:28] Because it really is in the trying that we succeed.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] Yep.

[8:32] Wait, what?

[8:33] I guess what you're saying is man's reach should always exceed his grasp-

[8:37] Exactly.

[8:37] When it comes to masturbating.

[8:39] Mm-hmm.

[8:40] And that you gotta keep your penis in the sand.

Dan McCoy

[8:44] You keep reaching for the stars.

[8:45] Mm-hmm.

[8:46] When there's only one set of penis tracks on the sand, it was because-

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] Okay, now it's like Christian Mingle.

[8:52] Okay.

[8:53] Yeah, he goes, I was drinking you the whole time.

[8:56] Dan, that's blasphemous.

[8:58] But not to me.

[8:59] That's terrible.

[8:59] It's horrible.

[8:59] So what's-

[9:00] So this movie, Christian Mingle, is it based on the website?

[9:04] Yeah, Dan.

[9:04] Or was it just inspired by?

[9:06] Yeah, I don't know.

[9:07] Well, I'm not a producer of Christian Mingle.

[9:09] Because it was also-

[9:10] So I don't know-

[9:11] The weirdest thing was to find in the credits that it was written and directed by Corbin

[9:14] Bernson.

[9:15] Mm-hmm.

[9:15] So I got a lot to say about Corbin Bernson.

[9:17] From TV's LA Law.

[9:17] Lay it on us.

Stuart Wellington

[9:18] Writer and director of Christian Mingle.

[9:19] So Corbin Bernson is also arguably the star of Major League.

[9:24] You guys want to argue that with me?

[9:25] Very arguable.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] I mean, there's one Charles Sheen who I think would take that.

[9:29] Yeah, or Wesley Snipes or Tom Berenger.

Dan McCoy

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:32] Tom Berenger is the one with the romantic plot, right?

Stuart Wellington

[9:35] Yeah, Corbin Bernson's like the snotty guy.

[9:37] So he's not the hero at all.

[9:39] No, he's like the snobby guy.

[9:40] But I mean, it depends on what you consider to be hero.

[9:43] We use loose definitions in my house.

[9:45] So Major League was my next-door neighbor's favorite movie growing up.

[9:50] I watched that movie so many fucking times.

[9:52] Very tenuous connection to what we're talking about.

[9:54] And my neighbor, Justin Skelton, which sounds a lot like Skeleton.

[9:58] True.

[9:59] But it was not spelled like Skeleton.

[10:00] Save it for Shocktober.

[10:01] So he's also the kid who I would always talk about watching Roseanne because it was a great show.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] And his parents wouldn't let him watch it.

[10:11] You're getting farther and farther away.

[10:13] What?

[10:13] Farther and farther in a widening guy.

[10:16] Yeah.

[10:17] The falcons cannot hear the falconer, Dan.

[10:19] I'm bringing it back.

[10:19] We're slouching towards Bethlehem.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] The sinner cannot hold.

[10:23] But he told me that he and his family did not watch Roseanne because it was...

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] Things fall apart, Dan.

[10:30] It's scientific.

Stuart Wellington

[10:32] He wouldn't watch Roseanne because, and I quote, it was a bum show.

[10:37] Like, he wouldn't watch it because it...

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] Oh, that's a magazine I found in my dad's drawer once.

[10:41] Bum show.

Stuart Wellington

[10:44] That's a really nice way to put that type of magazine.

[10:47] Yeah.

[10:47] Yeah, yeah.

[10:47] It was classy.

[10:48] It was a British magazine.

[10:49] Bum show.

[10:50] But it was just the weirdest thing.

Dan McCoy

[10:50] It was in that larger tabloid format.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] But like...

[10:54] So what does this have to do with Corbin Burtson?

[10:56] He was in Major League.

[10:58] The star.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Okay.

[11:00] I'm going to...

[11:01] I'm going to just call an audible on this.

[11:03] Call him.

[11:03] I'll again on that.

[11:04] Red card.

[11:05] You're in the penalty box.

[11:07] I'm vetoing that story.

[11:09] Can I take my beer to the penalty box with me?

[11:11] Yeah, sure.

[11:12] Go ahead.

[11:12] The pelican box?

[11:13] The pelican box.

[11:14] Yeah, just like with Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington.

[11:18] The pelican box.

[11:19] That movie where they got to find the pelican...

Dan McCoy

[11:21] They're trapped in a box of pelicans.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] Oh, I thought it was they lost a pelican in a box.

[11:25] They got to go to the airport to pick it up.

[11:27] All right.

[11:27] Yeah.

[11:28] The male...

[11:29] So, Christian Mingle.

[11:30] We can kill a lot of time because despite being a movie that is an hour and 40 minutes long,

[11:35] there's not a lot of plot in this movie.

[11:37] No.

[11:37] And it is the hilarious tale of one woman's journey to find love.

[11:42] And in the end, she does find a love.

[11:43] The love of Christ.

[11:45] Yeah.

[11:46] Now, she is...

[11:47] The least sexy kind of love.

[11:49] Check him out.

[11:50] Come on.

[11:50] Long hair.

[11:51] That beard.

[11:52] Come on.

[11:52] He's fit.

[11:53] I'm not gonna...

Dan McCoy

[11:54] I was blasphemous before.

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] I'm not gonna take your bait this time.

[11:57] The guy is...

[11:58] I'm complimenting your God on his ripped abs that I've seen hanging from crosses in churches

[12:04] across this country.

Stuart Wellington

[12:04] Can I come out of the penalty box, guys?

[12:06] Okay.

[12:07] Your penalty's done.

[12:08] Plus, Dan, he's a woodworker.

[12:09] You know what that means, right?

[12:10] Mm-hmm.

[12:11] Mm-hmm.

[12:12] Eyebrows raising.

[12:13] You know, you're...

[12:14] I guess you're innuendo.

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] You know that Diet Coke commercial where the ladies all in the office all want to watch

[12:19] that one construction worker take his shirt off and drink Diet Coke?

[12:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] That was Jesus.

Stuart Wellington

[12:24] Oh, my God.

[12:25] He drinks Diet Coke or they're drinking Diet Coke?

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] They keep going Diet Coke time, Diet Coke break, and he's drinking Diet Coke.

[12:31] But they want to watch him do it because they know he takes his shirt off when he does it.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] And that's how he got so ripped is drinking all that Diet Coke?

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] Such is the implication of the ad.

[12:39] Although, the fact that he works with his hands in a very high-intensity construction job and is, let's face it, a gym rat.

Stuart Wellington

[12:46] And, yeah, he's got to work out because he wants to maintain his following.

Dan McCoy

[12:49] Oh, of course, yeah.

[12:50] That was a big get for Diet Coke to have Jesus endorse your product.

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] It was huge, and it did not sit well with God the Father, who was very unhappy that Jesus was going off-brand like that

[13:01] and endorsing a marketable product that doesn't...

[13:06] And God was like...

Dan McCoy

[13:07] Usually he just endorses wine and fishes, but no specific wine or fishes.

[13:11] No, no, just the generic brand.

Stuart Wellington

[13:12] How do you feel about RC Cola, a.k.a. Risen Christ Cola?

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] Um, I don't think that's what that stands for.

[13:20] Okay.

[13:21] You're thinking of J.C. Penney, Jesus Christ Penney's, the department store.

[13:30] So, she is...

[13:31] So, it stars Lacey Chaubert.

Dan McCoy

[13:34] Just imagining BJ and the Bear if that show is blowjob and the bear.

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] Why?

[13:39] Why did that pop into your head?

Stuart Wellington

[13:41] We're talking about initials.

[13:43] Is that like the bear from...

[13:45] Wait, was it a bear or a dog?

[13:46] It was a chimp named Bear.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] In The Shining.

[13:49] Oh, in The Shining, it was a bear suit, right?

[13:52] Yeah, that's a BJ and the Bear.

Dan McCoy

[13:54] Right there, Dan.

[13:55] I imagine an actual bear whenever I imagine this magical 70s show, BJ and the Bear.

[13:59] No, it was about a chimp.

[14:00] Oh, okay.

[14:01] Who was with a trucker.

[14:02] All right.

[14:03] Okay, are we ready to start the podcast?

Stuart Wellington

[14:05] I don't think we are.

[14:06] This is all the bullshit we put in the end, right?

Elliott Kalan

[14:07] But I think Stuart has made a very important point that that scene in The Shining should be called BJ and the Bear.

Stuart Wellington

[14:12] Yeah, it's in the...

[14:13] If you go to the DVD menu.

Elliott Kalan

[14:17] That's why Shelley Duvall screams when she sees it, because she's like, I'm missing my favorite show.

[14:23] So this movie stars Lacey Chabert, formerly star of, what, Party of Five?

[14:28] And she is...

[14:29] She was one of the mean girls, right?

[14:30] And she was one of the mean girls.

[14:31] She lives in any city USA, the most generic city I've ever seen in a movie.

[14:36] I could see no identifying location marks.

[14:39] Anyone in listening, if you've seen this movie, tell me right in.

[14:42] Tell us where it's set, because I am curious.

[14:44] It looks like they built a city on rock and roll in the middle of nowhere that nobody lives in just to shoot this movie.

[14:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:53] It's like Canadian Pittsburgh is what it looks like.

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

[14:59] Yeah.

[15:00] And so she's an advertising executive.

[15:02] She works at Maritime Advertising.

Stuart Wellington

[15:04] Located in the sprawling metropolis of where?

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] Of somewhere.

[15:09] And it's run by...

[15:12] Steven Tobolowsky.

[15:13] Steven Tobolowsky, who is...

[15:16] In a scene-stealing performance.

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] He's really trying.

[15:19] Of all the actors in the movie, he is working the hardest to make anything he's saying interesting.

[15:24] And the whole quirky thing is that he acts like he's a naval officer.

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:29] It doesn't...

[15:29] The movie seems to think that it's quirkier than it is.

[15:33] We're watching a Hallmark kind of lifetime type movie that seems to think that it's I Heart Huckabees.

Stuart Wellington

[15:42] Yeah.

[15:43] Like, and...

[15:44] And Steven Tobolowsky is looking full-on like somebody put Wallace Shawn in like a rack and stretched him out real tall.

Dan McCoy

[15:52] Now, there's a great...

[15:54] We should do a remake of Twins for the two of them.

[15:56] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] It seems much more believable than the original Twins.

[16:00] It seems a little weird because they're both the sexy twin now.

[16:02] Yeah, they're both the hot one.

[16:04] They can't keep the ladies away.

[16:05] I would love to see a...

Stuart Wellington

[16:07] It still ends the same with them dropping a giant chain on the bad guy.

Dan McCoy

[16:13] I would love...

[16:14] It's one of those movies, Twins, which is like, why did there have to be a bad guy in this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[16:18] Yeah, why was there a criminal plot?

Dan McCoy

[16:21] Yeah, isn't the comedy just that they're mismatched twins?

Elliott Kalan

[16:25] The same...

[16:25] Well, Arnold Schwarzenegger's an action star, Dan.

[16:27] Okay.

[16:28] He hadn't yet entered his junior phase where he could just be funny, you know?

[16:32] It's the same way that you had all those TV movies in the 80s where characters from a sitcom would go to England or France, somewhere in Europe, and they'd get mixed up with spies.

[16:41] Yeah.

[16:41] And it was like, look, I like the family ties characters.

[16:44] I'm curious to see what happens to them in a foreign country.

[16:46] I don't need them to be interacting with spies.

[16:50] Like, why is there a drug operation in Hawaii?

[16:53] I mean, people love to get high there.

[16:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:55] It's called Ha-Hi.

[16:57] Oh, that's...

[16:59] Yeah, leave that one on the editing floor.

Elliott Kalan

[17:01] Put that on the cutting room floor and then stomp on it.

[17:03] Maybe light it on fire.

[17:05] Christian Mingle.

[17:06] So, Stephen Tobolowsky's ad agency is actually not that important in it.

[17:09] It turns out Lacey Chaubert is the last of her friends to be engaged or married.

[17:13] The last of her kind.

[17:14] Yeah.

[17:14] She's really feeling it, maybe because she lives above a clock store, and so it's just a reminder every day that she's running out of time before her eggs curdle.

[17:23] And she's like, I gotta do something.

[17:26] I'm desperate.

[17:26] I'll even use the internet because Christian Mingle in this world that it exists in buys up so much ad time on television.

[17:35] Every time she turns on the TV, there's a Christian Mingle ad.

Dan McCoy

[17:37] So, there's two things that really are upsetting kind of off the bat in this premise.

[17:44] Number one is that Lacey Chaubert chooses to go immediately to Christian Mingle as her online dating of choice.

Elliott Kalan

[17:53] I mean, well, the main upsetting thing is that...

[17:54] In this world, that's her only option that we're given.

[17:56] A young woman with a successful career who is always wearing low-cut tops can't find a man who's worthy of hanging around, you know?

[18:04] But it seems like from what we see of the exposition...

Dan McCoy

[18:08] I mean, what's wrong with these guys, you know?

[18:10] I know.

[18:10] I mean, we're not really introduced to too many potential suitors.

[18:15] We see one suitor at the beginning of the movie who can't make eye contact with her.

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] He keeps looking at these three women who are standing at the bar near the restaurant.

[18:23] He's kind of like a Vincent Gallo type.

[18:24] And it is literally, yeah, I can see that.

[18:26] It's literally a bird in the hand, three birds in the bush situation.

[18:30] Where he's like, I'm with this one woman.

[18:33] I think I can bag three women at once.

[18:35] Gotta go.

[18:36] Yeah.

[18:36] And I have to assume it did not work.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] Although it sounds like a much more entertaining movie following his story.

[18:42] Sure, come on.

[18:43] As he attempts to desperately lead it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] It's a real after-hours type plot.

[18:46] Who knows where it's going to lead him in the dark netherworld of city TBD.

Dan McCoy

[18:53] This metropolis with no name.

[18:55] But she's worked her way through all of her friends' friends and her friends' husband's friends is what we learn in Exposition.

[19:01] Probably her friends' husbands, too.

[19:03] Oh, wow.

[19:05] I mean, she's a liar.

Stuart Wellington

[19:06] We see it throughout the film.

[19:07] She is very comfortable lying.

[19:08] At least at the beginning of the movie begins godless.

[19:12] Extremely so.

[19:13] Mm-hmm.

[19:14] She's a harlot.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] So her only option.

[19:17] Whoa.

Dan McCoy

[19:17] I thought that was her.

[19:18] That's a little harsh.

[19:19] Come on.

[19:19] No, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[19:20] She's apostate, certainly.

Dan McCoy

[19:21] I think that.

[19:22] Okay.

[19:23] But the point is.

Elliott Kalan

[19:24] Now you're shaming her.

[19:25] And I don't appreciate that.

[19:26] Mm-hmm.

[19:27] Dan, when she goes to hell, it's because she doesn't love Christ in her heart.

[19:30] It's not because she's shameless with her body.

[19:33] Because you know what?

[19:34] God gave her that to enjoy.

[19:36] Okay.

[19:37] Maybe you'd like to come to my church on Sunday.

[19:39] It's called the Church of Sex.

[19:41] It's on Cinemax on Sundays.

[19:43] Okay.

[19:44] It seems these parishioners have a lot of sexy problems, and only the sex priest can help her.

[19:49] It's always a her.

[19:50] Oh, all right.

[19:50] Also, the sex priest is a woman.

Dan McCoy

[19:52] Does the sex priest, like, tell these stories?

[19:54] Is that the sermons?

[19:56] They're always...

[19:56] Is the sex priest just...

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] No, it's confessionals.

[19:58] Oh, okay.

[19:58] The sex priest gets in the confessional and says, and it's, bless me...

[20:03] Yep, come on.

[20:04] Let's see if you can pull this out.

[20:05] Let me be father, I guess.

[20:06] For I have sinned.

[20:07] It's been seven days since I last had sex.

[20:09] Let me tell you the story.

[20:10] Then it's just a sex scene.

[20:12] And then it comes back to the lady priest.

[20:14] She's like, mm-hmm.

[20:15] Tell me more.

[20:16] The lady priest is...

[20:17] Tell me more.

Elliott Kalan

[20:17] Describes another sex scene, and then they have sex, the priest and the other person.

[20:21] Now, there's a lady priest character.

[20:22] It's called Erotic Confessionals.

Stuart Wellington

[20:24] Now, you know, I hate to take a job away from an actress, but I still think it should

[20:29] be played by David Duchovny in drag.

Elliott Kalan

[20:32] From Twin Peaks.

[20:32] Yeah, he's got the chops.

[20:33] That's the first time he's done it.

[20:35] The director of House of D?

[20:36] Yeah, definitely.

[20:39] So, Dan, as you can tell, that premise ran out of steam pretty quickly.

[20:42] Let's go back to the movie.

Dan McCoy

[20:43] No, what I was saying, though, was...

[20:44] Again, throw it on the cutting room floor.

[20:46] So, she's gone through everyone that she knows personally.

[20:49] So, clearly, the next logical step is to leap straight to Christian Mingle, the Christian-specific

[20:55] dating site.

[20:56] Well, it's 2014, Dan.

[20:57] It's crazy for people to meet on the internet.

[20:59] Well, that's the other thing that's so infuriating about this movie that I was going to get to,

[21:02] is that everyone seems to act like it's the worst thing in the world that she's internet

[21:06] dating.

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] I just think it's...

[21:07] They all act as if it is crazy and not...

[21:10] I would have to assume one of the top three ways people meet people now.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] Yeah, they're like, oh, that's...

[21:17] Wait, you use the internet for dating?

[21:18] I only use that for getting my blue apron deliveries.

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] I only use it for running local bookstairs out of business.

[21:27] I love the voice you use.

[21:28] It's my only way to receive my Casper mattresses.

[21:31] I only use it to find gold nuggets.

[21:33] There's internet in them, their computers.

[21:36] Hee-hee!

[21:36] Woo-hoo!

[21:38] Now, here, I thought...

[21:39] I was bemused by this, but also a little insulted considering I met my wife online,

[21:43] and that was 11 years ago that we met.

[21:46] So, that was back when people did think it was weird to date online, and when her parents...

[21:51] When she told her parents, oh, I went on a date with a guy who says he's a producer at The Daily Show,

[21:54] they thought I was a murderer who was going to kill her.

[21:57] That was not the case.

[21:58] She's still alive today, and I have the Emmys to prove to her parents that I did, in fact,

[22:03] go to The Daily Show.

Dan McCoy

[22:04] Do we have proof that she's still alive, Elliot?

[22:07] Well, she's right here.

Elliott Kalan

[22:09] Hey, guys.

[22:09] How are you doing?

Dan McCoy

[22:10] All right.

[22:11] Well, I guess it checks out.

Elliott Kalan

[22:13] I can see her, but I can hear her voice.

[22:15] I mean, she's wearing sunglasses, and when I raise this...

[22:17] When I pull this pulley string, her arm goes up and waves at you, and whenever samba music

[22:22] plays, she gets up and dance.

[22:24] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[22:25] And those hitmen, those cocaine-related hitmen that keep showing up that swear she was dead

[22:31] before are out of luck.

[22:34] They're disappointed.

Elliott Kalan

[22:35] Yeah.

[22:36] So anyway, I feel bad that I turned one of the worst scenarios I can think of, the loss

[22:41] of my spouse, into a Weekend at Bernie's joke.

[22:44] Yeah, hilarious farce.

[22:45] Yeah.

[22:46] So let's keep going.

[22:47] But anyway, she decides to go to Christian Mingle, because why not?

[22:51] She was probably raised Christian in some capacity.

[22:54] But this is also a world where people take Christianity very seriously.

[22:58] They are either believers or not believers, and never the Twain shall meet, unless you're

[23:03] Lacey Chabert, and you're lying to your new boyfriend, Paul Wood, who is...

[23:09] Paul Wood, if you could.

[23:10] Not a porno guy.

[23:11] Yep.

[23:11] Just like Cool World.

[23:13] Exactly.

[23:13] But she meets this guy.

[23:15] He's cute.

[23:16] He's kind of boring and bland.

[23:18] He's booty-toot-toot.

[23:20] I bet he smells like Juicy Roon.

[23:22] Just like a song.

[23:23] Yep.

[23:25] Anyway, he's just kind of a bland guy you could easily see being in a relationship with.

[23:30] And he's not going to make jokes, but he'll kind of laugh politely at your jokes.

Dan McCoy

[23:33] They have a super awkward date.

[23:34] Very awkward coffee date.

[23:35] Oh, that was the other fucking thing.

[23:36] I mean, they have an awkward coffee date, but then they go for sushi, and Paul acts like

[23:41] sushi...

[23:42] This movie might as well have been from the early 80s, the way that they treat sushi.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] Like, what raw fish?

[23:50] He's so disgusted by it.

[23:52] I don't understand it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:53] It's like that scene in The Boyfriend Academy or...

[23:56] AKA, don't tell her it's me.

[23:57] ...where they're having that weird dinner with Jamie Gertz and Steve Guttenberg, and she

[24:02] looks down at her food, and it's like wiggling around and squirting and making farty sounds.

Dan McCoy

[24:08] But it's like the movie equates, I guess, being Christian with just like being an all-around

[24:15] rube.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] Yeah.

[24:15] Don't worry, Dan.

[24:16] There's also this amazing comic timing where he puts a piece of fish in his mouth and then

[24:21] chews it for five minutes, making almost no facial expression, and she's like, uh, are

[24:26] you enjoying it?

[24:27] And then it cuts back to him, and we watch him chew for another five minutes, and then

[24:31] it cuts back to her, and then it cuts back to me sitting on the couch, and I'm like,

[24:34] Elliot, why am I still alive?

Dan McCoy

[24:36] Am I trapped in some kind of weird region?

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] You're saying Elliot, have I taken drugs that expand my sense of time?

[24:42] You're saying Corbin Bergson is a master of pacing, which is why when I thought there was

[24:46] five minutes left in the movie, and Dan pressed the pause button, and I saw there was 25 minutes

[24:50] left in the movie, I was ready to break his television.

Stuart Wellington

[24:54] There are horror movies that have not had a scarier reveal than that moment.

Elliott Kalan

[25:01] It was like we had gotten...

Stuart Wellington

[25:03] It's like we looked over and there was a fourth person in the room, and he's like, I've been

[25:07] making this podcast all nine years, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] It was like my doctor had called me up and was like, oh, by the way, you're dying.

[25:14] Gotta go.

Stuart Wellington

[25:15] Like, that's how I felt in that moment.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] The doctor's very busy.

[25:21] Oh, and that's why he's calling me so late at night, he's got so many people to tell

[25:24] that they're dying.

Stuart Wellington

[25:24] It'd be like if we said, who paused the movie, and Dan says, not me, and there's a fucking

[25:28] ghost with not me written on his chest, running away from us with a weird dotted line.

[25:33] That sounds adorable.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] Did little Billy do the strip today?

[25:39] Let's cut to the chase.

[25:41] Let's talk about this movie real fast.

[25:42] At the same time, the parallel plot is that Lacey Chappert's boss, Stephen Tobolowsky,

[25:46] has hired Jay Peterman, or he has been hired by John O'Hurley, Jay Peterman from Seinfeld,

[25:55] to market this new product, which is a miracle baldness cure that is some kind of blue pill,

[26:02] and they never quite explain, it's like the three seashells in Demolition Man.

[26:05] They never quite explain how you use it.

[26:06] Do you eat it?

[26:07] Do you rub it on your head?

[26:09] Is it a suppository?

Dan McCoy

[26:11] Yeah, I don't think you put it up your butt.

[26:12] I think it's a normal pill style.

Elliott Kalan

[26:13] Well, Dan, what evidence do you have from within the film that you don't put it up your butt?

[26:17] You're right.

Dan McCoy

[26:18] It's extra textual.

[26:20] I'm not using the...

[26:21] It's very extra textual.

Elliott Kalan

[26:25] I'm not sure what that means, but I like the way you said it.

[26:28] So she's finding she doesn't believe in this product.

[26:31] She thinks that it's wrong, but it's her job to put...

Stuart Wellington

[26:34] Yeah, men should be comfortable in their baldness.

Elliott Kalan

[26:36] Yeah, but it's her...

[26:37] That's her main point.

[26:39] Yeah, yeah.

[26:39] But it's her job to slap some lipstick on this turd,

[26:41] and she can't figure it out,

[26:42] because she's too busy trying to bone up on Christianity

[26:44] to impress Paul and his very judgmental family.

Stuart Wellington

[26:47] It's weird, though, because for all the effort that she puts into learning about Christian stuff,

[26:52] every time she's quizzed, she's like,

[26:55] what?

[26:55] And drops her Bible on the ground in a big plate of marinara sauce.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] Wait, was this like the twin sinners version of Christian Mingle?

[27:05] Yeah, yeah.

[27:07] And so she goes, even when...

[27:09] And I mean, this is a hard part.

[27:10] She's asked to give a prayer after church.

[27:13] Everyone...

[27:14] It's like the characters keep...

[27:15] It's like a snowball going downhill.

[27:17] Each time Paul introduces her to new characters,

[27:20] every scene, those characters show up,

[27:22] until there is a ridiculously large number of people

[27:25] sitting around two tables at a restaurant called Steak and Cake.

[27:28] That's what I wanted to get to.

[27:29] They serve you steak and cake in huge platters at the same time.

[27:34] Yeah.

[27:34] So you're sitting there with a chocolate cake on a cake stand

[27:37] in the middle of your table.

Dan McCoy

[27:38] And you're like, what am I supposed to do?

[27:38] Am I supposed to slice off a couple slices of cake

[27:40] and eat the steak in between?

[27:42] I mean, it kind of makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] With a platter with six steaks on it.

[27:46] Yeah.

[27:46] And everybody...

[27:47] First off, they serve it like that?

[27:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:49] Are you kidding me?

[27:50] I mean, it's a bad way to serve steak.

[27:52] That's for sure.

[27:52] We didn't even see a staff person from this restaurant.

[27:56] Nobody even checked on them.

[27:57] What is going on here?

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] Here's...

[27:59] Let me just lay it on the ground.

[28:00] They've got like extra steaks in that platter.

[28:03] There's too many steaks for the table.

[28:05] How long have they been sitting there really?

[28:06] Am I supposed to believe, and this is what bothers me,

[28:09] I'm supposed to believe that in a group of eight or nine people,

[28:13] everyone wants their steak cooked the same way?

[28:16] Excuse me?

[28:17] I go out to dinner with my family.

[28:19] That's three different types of steak cooking.

[28:21] Rare plus for me.

[28:22] Uh-huh.

[28:22] Medium rare for my brother.

[28:23] And for my wife, medium.

[28:26] Uh-huh.

[28:26] And for my dad, chart like a charcoal briquette.

[28:29] He doesn't want any flavor left in that thing.

[28:31] Just feed him some styrofoam painted black.

[28:34] Call it a steak.

[28:34] He's going to love it.

[28:35] The idea that they have a platter of like six or seven steaks for this group,

[28:40] no one knows which one is cooked which,

[28:42] and here's the thing about steak.

[28:44] When it's cooked properly, it keeps cooking on the plate

[28:47] because it's still hot.

[28:48] Yeah.

[28:49] You put those hot steaks together, they're going to cook even faster.

[28:52] Suddenly, they're all well done.

[28:53] That's why.

[28:53] I didn't want well done.

[28:54] I wanted mine pinkish on the inside.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] That's why it's placed next to a weird crystal cake stand with a cake on it

[29:00] because that crystal cake stand absorbs some of that heat, Elliot,

[29:03] and it keeps it at a nice pink that they ordered.

[29:06] It melts that cake right now.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] Yeah, then the cake is all melty.

[29:09] Come on.

Stuart Wellington

[29:09] Oh, it's going to be delicious.

[29:10] You want a nice kind of melty cake.

Elliott Kalan

[29:12] Also, I'd be lying if I said I'd never had a slice of chocolate cake

[29:15] after eating an entire steak.

[29:16] I've done it many times.

[29:17] But I don't want them right in front of me at the same time.

[29:20] The cake is going to smell like steak and vice versa, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[29:24] So that whole thing.

[29:25] There's one of these quirks that we were talking about, though, in the movie

[29:27] that is thrown in so erratically.

[29:32] Very erratic.

Elliott Kalan

[29:32] And in the previous scene.

[29:34] I'm stealing a mystery science theater joke there.

[29:35] But yeah, it's like the movie will be very, very normal and bland

[29:40] and then suddenly, boom, they go to this crazy restaurant.

Dan McCoy

[29:42] Yeah, the restaurant seems like a stupid David Lynch gag out of Twin Peaks

[29:47] because all of a sudden they go to like a weird, or like that part in Gremlins 2

[29:52] where they go to the Canadian restaurant.

[29:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:55] And it can't be, like it feels like it's intentional.

[30:00] Like in the previous scene where she's being introduced to Paul's family

[30:05] and Paul's mother says, have you met R. Kelly?

[30:09] As in R., I guess, daughter named Kelly.

[30:12] A girl with a friend named Kelly.

[30:13] Friend named Kelly.

[30:14] But you know that like they had to have known it would sound like R. Kelly,

[30:19] the urinating songbird that we've all come to know and love.

[30:24] And of course she has not met R. Kelly.

[30:27] I mean, he's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] We don't know that though.

[30:29] Maybe she did.

[30:30] She's in advertising.

[30:31] Maybe they tried to get him for a spot.

[30:33] He said, no, I'm sorry.

[30:34] No, thank you.

[30:34] I don't want to sponsor a baldness tour.

[30:36] I'm not bald.

[30:37] Yeah.

[30:37] And I have enough problems right now.

[30:39] I'm trapped in this closet.

Stuart Wellington

[30:40] I'm already on this closet organizer campaign.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] It really fits my brand more.

[30:47] Dan, what were you going to say though?

Dan McCoy

[30:49] No, I just, I mean, I think that the movie is not,

[30:51] I think the movie just was like R. Kelly

[30:53] and they didn't think at any point.

[30:55] Are you implying to me that this movie is so white

Elliott Kalan

[30:58] that they did not, hearing that they didn't think,

[31:02] oh yeah, like the famous person named R. Kelly.

Stuart Wellington

[31:04] Yeah.

[31:04] And then Corbin Burns is like, famous person?

[31:07] I don't think so.

[31:07] Never heard of him.

[31:08] There's no one more famous than me, Corbin Burns.

Elliott Kalan

[31:10] I'm the most famous person ever.

[31:12] Are you telling me that these people are so white

[31:15] they haven't even heard the song, I Believe I Can Fly,

[31:18] the only song by a black person that every white person has heard

[31:22] and knows the lyrics to?

Stuart Wellington

[31:24] Are you telling me that Morgan Fairchild,

[31:26] an actress whose last name is basically white person.

[31:29] Are you telling me that Morgan Fairchild,

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] whose first name is the same as Morgan Freeman,

[31:33] thus making her half black,

[31:36] has never heard of R. Kelly.

[31:38] That's the way it works.

[31:39] That's how names work, right?

[31:41] That's how it works.

[31:44] Your name is a marker of ethnicity.

[31:50] I mean, often, in many cases it is.

Dan McCoy

[31:51] Oh no.

[31:52] But anyway.

[31:53] Because I'm a dirty Mick.

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] Whoa.

Dan McCoy

[31:56] Hey, I can say that.

[31:57] No, you can't.

[31:58] Oh, fuck, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] This is too much.

[32:01] Rerack it.

[32:02] Start the episode over.

[32:03] No.

[32:03] So anyway, they go to Steaks and Cakes.

[32:05] She gives a very long, very improv prayer,

[32:08] and then finds out, oh hey, the whole family,

[32:11] which is in the construction business and is very Christian,

[32:13] is going to go to Mexico to help rebuild a village

[32:19] that was attacked by a hurricane.

[32:21] A church.

[32:21] Well, they want to help the whole village,

[32:23] but mainly they want to put the bell back in the bell tower,

[32:25] the church.

[32:25] I guess it's a symbol, yeah.

[32:27] Yeah, save the bell tower, you know.

[32:29] Ever since it was hit by lightning, it stopped.

[32:30] It was a clock tower.

[32:32] You're right.

[32:32] It was a clock tower.

[32:33] It didn't even have a bell in it.

[32:35] The lightning knocked that right out.

[32:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:38] The bell is the old way of telling time.

[32:40] Mm-hmm.

[32:41] We got a new way.

[32:42] A clock.

[32:43] A clock.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] We got a state-of-the-art clock.

[32:46] We got a new way.

[32:48] Whatever town Back to the Future takes place in

[32:51] has walked into the 17th century.

[32:53] Hill Valley.

[32:54] What's it called?

[32:55] Hill Valley.

[32:55] Hill Valley, right.

[32:56] It's the Two Pines Mall, and then because of the...

[32:58] Twin Pines Mall comes to the Lone Pine Mall.

[33:02] That's kind of a little Easter egg for everybody.

[33:03] But anyway, so, in the movie Back to the Future.

Stuart Wellington

[33:08] Calvin Klein because he's unaware, so it's Calvin Klein on it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:10] Yeah.

[33:11] So she says...

[33:13] So he goes, oh, the whole family's going on a mission

[33:15] for a month in Mexico, and he didn't tell her.

[33:18] And she's hurt.

[33:19] And at first it seems like there's a parallel here

[33:22] because they both lied to each other.

[33:24] But as I pointed out to you guys,

[33:25] his is a lie of omission.

[33:28] Hers is a lie of deception.

[33:29] She is pretending to be a devout believer

[33:31] in the Godhead of the Trinity, you know, whatever.

[33:35] I don't know what terminology you guys use.

[33:37] And she is not.

[33:40] Whereas he just kind of...

Dan McCoy

[33:41] I call him JC.

[33:42] You know, my buddy JC.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] I mean, that's cool.

[33:45] I mean, that you feel that close to him.

[33:46] Jeezy.

[33:48] Don't call him that.

[33:49] He doesn't like that.

[33:50] You could even call him Cheesus

[33:51] because he likes cheese.

[33:53] Because who doesn't?

Stuart Wellington

[33:54] There's a lot...

[33:54] I'm a devout believer in JC too, guys.

[33:57] John Carter of Mars.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] When are we getting a sequel?

[34:00] I hate to bring it to you.

[34:02] We're never getting to JC too.

[34:03] Yeah, we're getting a trilogy, right?

[34:05] We aren't.

[34:07] And we cut out...

[34:08] There's a lot of scenes we cut out,

[34:09] such as the scene where,

[34:11] after the sushi,

[34:12] they're having coffee,

[34:13] and he makes an elaborate metaphor

[34:15] about a science experiment he ran as a kid

[34:17] involving two mice looking for cheese.

Stuart Wellington

[34:21] It's very clear that...

[34:22] Is that the scene where they're walking

[34:23] in front of the haircutters,

[34:25] barbershop in town?

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] Yeah, and we were so distracted

[34:28] by the extras

[34:29] and wondering what they were doing,

[34:30] partly because they were getting

[34:31] their hair cut at probably like 10 p.m.

[34:34] Yeah, yeah.

[34:34] It's barbershop culture

Stuart Wellington

[34:35] in small town USA.

Elliott Kalan

[34:37] I guess so.

[34:38] This is another one of those movies

[34:39] where the extras were so much more interesting

[34:41] than the main characters.

Stuart Wellington

[34:43] Regardless, she...

[34:44] Like the extras in that scene

[34:45] where she's walking to her office

[34:47] and she turns like three corners

[34:49] and is walking super slow.

[34:52] Yeah.

[34:52] And you're like,

[34:52] there's no way.

[34:53] The geometry of this office doesn't work.

[34:56] She would have been back

[34:56] at the front door by now.

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] This is non-Euclidean.

[34:58] Hold on a second.

[35:00] She works at Escher & Associates.

[35:01] Sure.

[35:03] She has...

[35:04] She has a very bad pitch meeting

[35:07] in front of J.P...

[35:09] J...

[35:09] J.Peterman.

[35:12] J.Peterman.

[35:12] I was trying to figure out...

[35:13] Remember what J.Peterman's

[35:14] middle initial is.

[35:15] He doesn't have one.

[35:15] It's just J.

[35:16] J.Peterman.

[35:18] Stands for Jesus.

[35:19] Oh, wow.

[35:20] And she does not have any ideas.

[35:22] She spent too much time

[35:23] boning up on Christ-ianity,

[35:26] even though she seems to have learned nothing,

[35:28] and just kind of worrying

[35:29] about what she's going to do.

[35:30] Her co-worker says,

[35:31] hey, Christian Mingle's for believers,

[35:34] real Christians,

[35:35] and you're not a real believer in Christ.

[35:37] She just discarded that advice, clearly.

[35:40] But she hasn't done her job.

[35:41] And so, blank notebook in hand,

[35:43] she proceeds to give two great pitches,

[35:45] one in which she talks about these blue pills

[35:47] as bullets for killing baldness,

[35:49] and describes having a gun-shaped dispenser.

[35:52] J.Peterman wisely sets this one aside.

[35:55] He passes.

[35:56] There's a lot of...

Stuart Wellington

[35:56] He's like,

[35:57] America doesn't like guns that much.

[35:59] Well, it's like,

[36:00] it's controversial, guns.

Elliott Kalan

[36:02] And it makes sense.

[36:03] He goes,

[36:04] look,

[36:04] I'm being controversial enough

[36:05] by taking on the last taboo,

[36:07] baldness.

[36:08] I can't court any other controversy.

[36:11] This is the third rail of American society.

[36:13] The bald head.

[36:14] It's why men wear hats to cover it,

[36:16] even wigs sometimes,

[36:18] because they're so ashamed of it.

[36:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:20] They wear hats,

[36:21] literally the most despicable type of clothing,

[36:24] just to cover their bald heads.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] Mm-hmm.

[36:26] It's the only thing that's,

[36:27] only thing more evil than a hat

[36:29] is the bald head it's on top of.

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:32] And then she gives him another thing

[36:33] where she says,

[36:34] what if it's like,

[36:35] okay,

[36:35] who do we blame?

[36:36] Our creator for making us bald.

[36:39] God.

[36:39] But now he's given us miracle,

[36:41] what does she call it?

[36:42] Heaven's Rain?

[36:43] Heaven's Rain.

[36:44] She decides to name the product Heaven's Rain.

Dan McCoy

[36:46] Sounds like a really awesome stripe.

[36:48] She pours a bunch of pills on Tobo's head.

Elliott Kalan

[36:52] Tobo?

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:52] I hope that's what his friends call him.

[36:54] I think it is.

[36:55] I think it is.

[36:56] Tobo's head also sounds like

[36:57] the secret beach that the locals know about

[37:00] that nobody else knows about.

[37:01] Hey, man,

[37:02] we're going to go over to Tobo's head

[37:03] and do some surfing.

[37:06] You got to watch

Dan McCoy

[37:07] because there's a break tied at Tobo's head.

Elliott Kalan

[37:10] Oh, you're not going to come to the bonfire

[37:11] at Tobo's head?

[37:12] It's how we end every summer.

Dan McCoy

[37:14] There's a reef underneath it.

[37:16] You don't want to take a spill.

[37:17] You're going to get down there.

[37:18] You're going to slice your brains clean out.

[37:21] Slice your brains out?

[37:22] Slice your brains clean out.

[37:23] But it's great surfing.

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] So she decides at this moment,

[37:28] you know what?

[37:28] I'm not doing so great.

[37:30] I'm going to go to Mexico

[37:31] and join my boyfriend's family.

Stuart Wellington

[37:33] Well, her boyfriend calls her

[37:34] and he's like,

[37:34] I want you to come to Mexico.

[37:36] And that's the moment

[37:36] when holding the phone to her ear,

[37:38] she looks to the wall behind her desk

[37:40] and sees the atlas

[37:41] that has been placed there.

[37:43] She has a map of North America.

[37:44] She goes, Mexico, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] So that's the purple country here?

[37:51] It's only like a few inches away

[37:53] according to this map.

[37:56] This is also after Paul's had a phone conversation

[38:00] with his mother, Morgan Fairchild,

[38:01] where Morgan Fairchild's like,

[38:03] I don't trust her.

[38:03] She's hiding something.

[38:05] And Paul says,

[38:05] Mom, you're just trying to manipulate the situation.

[38:07] I'm going to prove you wrong.

[38:08] So he invites her to Mexico.

Stuart Wellington

[38:09] That's a screenwriter showing us

[38:11] that Paul's an idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:13] Yes.

[38:13] Because we know that there's something going on.

[38:16] And so she goes to Mexico,

[38:18] packed for vacation.

[38:19] She should have packed work clothes

[38:21] because they're going to be doing

[38:21] a lot of real construction work.

[38:23] Although we don't see any of that.

[38:25] We see them roll some tires into a pile.

[38:27] They're rolling a tire from two feet over here

Dan McCoy

[38:31] to two feet over there.

Elliott Kalan

[38:32] And they literally are stacking up

[38:34] a series of wooden pallets.

[38:37] And then they're teaching a Bible class

[38:40] to the students there.

[38:41] And it's one of those times where,

[38:43] so Morgan Fairchild's reading from the Bible

[38:44] and it's being translated into Spanish.

[38:46] And then one of the students,

[38:47] a young girl,

[38:48] asks a question in Spanish

[38:49] and Morgan Fairchild says,

[38:50] I'll let Gwyneth,

[38:52] which is Lacey Chabert's character's name,

[38:53] I'll let Gwyneth handle this one.

[38:55] And Gwyneth is like,

[38:56] uh, uh, uh,

[38:57] my Spanish is kind of rusty.

[38:59] He's like,

[38:59] oh, you must not be Christian

Dan McCoy

[39:00] if you don't understand Spanish.

Elliott Kalan

[39:02] You don't understand God's language?

[39:05] Spanish?

[39:06] It was a very weird moment

[39:08] where it's like,

[39:08] okay, one second.

[39:10] Did she ever say she could speak Spanish?

[39:12] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[39:13] Of all her deceptions,

[39:14] that was not one of them.

[39:15] She is, at this point,

Elliott Kalan

[39:16] a Decepticon.

[39:18] She is a robot in disguise

[39:19] more than meets the eye

Dan McCoy

[39:20] because she says she's Christian,

[39:21] but she's not.

[39:22] She turns into a giant gun,

[39:24] which is,

[39:25] uh,

[39:25] whoa,

[39:26] so she's like the leader

[39:27] of the Decepticons,

[39:28] dude?

[39:29] I just always found like,

[39:30] That's a huge claim.

[39:31] That's an enormous jump.

[39:32] I always found that very strange

[39:33] that like,

[39:34] Megatron turns into a gun

[39:36] that like,

[39:37] someone else has to shoot.

Stuart Wellington

[39:39] Yeah,

[39:39] and he jumps into,

[39:40] usually Starscream's hand.

[39:41] And Starscream's like,

[39:43] I'm gonna grab,

[39:45] you can only assume

[39:45] it's his penis

[39:46] that turns into the trigger.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] Here's what I'm gonna say

[39:49] is that he's showing,

[39:51] you know how powerful

[39:52] a boss I am,

[39:53] how confident I am

[39:54] in my leadership?

[39:55] Yeah.

[39:56] I'm going to make myself

[39:57] a tool in your hands.

[39:59] Uh-huh.

[39:59] And through my own charisma,

[40:01] even though I be just a tool

[40:02] that you hold

[40:03] at your mercy,

[40:04] I will control you.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] He may not be

[40:07] the biggest Decepticon,

[40:09] that's Devastator.

[40:10] Oh,

[40:11] because he's not

[40:11] Astro Train,

[40:13] the space traveling

[40:16] train Decepticon.

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] He's not,

[40:19] and he's not,

[40:20] who's the one

[40:20] who sounds just like

[40:22] Cobra Commander?

Stuart Wellington

[40:23] That's,

[40:24] what,

[40:24] is that Starscream?

Elliott Kalan

[40:25] Yeah,

[40:26] I guess it's Starscream.

[40:27] He's not,

[40:28] who's the one

[40:29] who turns into

[40:30] a beatbox?

[40:31] That's Soundwave.

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] He's a good guy,

[40:32] right?

[40:33] And he's not Rumble

[40:34] or Frenzy.

[40:34] No,

[40:34] he's a bad guy.

[40:35] There's two,

[40:36] there's a Soundwave's

[40:36] the bad guy.

[40:38] What,

[40:39] Blaster is the good one?

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] Yeah.

[40:43] Transformers is like He-Man

[40:45] in that I spent a lot

[40:45] of time with it as a kid

[40:46] and I remember

[40:47] very little about it.

[40:48] As opposed to Ninja Turtles

[40:49] which is burned into my brain

[40:50] like a brand.

[40:51] I can tell you all

[40:52] about Leatherhead

[40:53] and all the other characters

[40:54] that crawled out

[40:55] of the sewers.

Stuart Wellington

[40:55] Who's the guy

[40:56] who's made out of garbage

[40:57] and one of his feet

[40:58] is like a pizza?

Elliott Kalan

[40:59] And the other one

[41:00] is like a,

[41:01] like a,

[41:01] like a manhole cover.

[41:03] Yeah,

[41:03] probably.

[41:04] His name's probably like

[41:05] Garbage Man or something.

[41:06] I don't remember.

[41:07] Trash-o.

[41:08] Burned into your brain,

[41:09] eh?

[41:09] I didn't say all of it

[41:10] was burned into my brain

[41:11] like a brand.

[41:11] They came out

[41:12] with so many figures

[41:13] and so few of them

[41:14] actually appeared

[41:14] on the cartoon.

[41:15] Yeah.

[41:16] But anyway.

[41:18] What are we talking about

[41:18] Christian Mingle?

[41:19] Christian Mingle.

[41:19] So they're in Mexico

[41:20] and she is not doing

[41:22] a good job of passing

[41:22] herself off as a Christian

[41:23] especially when

[41:24] the other women,

[41:26] especially Kelly

[41:27] who grew up with Paul

[41:29] and Paul's mom

[41:29] has always wanted him

[41:30] to be in love with

[41:31] finds a copy of

[41:32] Christianity for Dummies

[41:34] under her bed.

[41:35] Yeah,

[41:36] which is a thing.

[41:37] Uh-oh.

[41:37] What a real...

Dan McCoy

[41:38] Why did you pack

[41:39] if you were trying

[41:40] to fool people?

[41:41] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[41:41] So she can cram

[41:42] on the plane.

[41:42] And guys,

[41:43] I haven't worked

[41:44] in a fucking Barnes & Noble

[41:45] but I guarantee you

[41:46] the only people

[41:47] buying that book

[41:48] are fucking Christians,

[41:50] dude.

[41:51] Like no normie

[41:52] is going to be like,

[41:53] oh, I want to study up

[41:54] on this nerd shit.

[41:55] Normie.

[41:56] Nerd religion.

Elliott Kalan

[41:58] It's total bookworm religion.

[42:00] It's based on a book.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] Yeah,

[42:02] but no,

[42:02] what I'm saying...

[42:03] Exactly.

[42:04] But what I'm saying is

[42:05] like the only people

[42:06] buying Christianity

[42:07] for Dummies

[42:07] are Christian people.

[42:09] Well,

Stuart Wellington

[42:09] is that true?

Dan McCoy

[42:09] Christianity is a nerd.

[42:11] Christianity is a real

[42:12] rad religion.

[42:14] I've got some tracks

[42:15] that I think

[42:16] that you should look at.

[42:16] Why is Dan touching me?

Stuart Wellington

[42:18] Listeners at home,

[42:19] Dan is touching...

[42:20] No,

[42:20] Dan's moving his hand

[42:21] up my arm now.

[42:22] Yeah.

[42:23] Up further.

[42:24] Up,

[42:24] going up closer

[42:25] to the armpit.

[42:26] Jesus loves you.

[42:27] That's a no-no zone.

[42:28] In a radical way.

[42:29] Oh,

[42:29] I love you.

[42:30] You're looking at me

Elliott Kalan

[42:31] weird now.

[42:32] Dan,

[42:32] I believe,

[42:32] has a rap about it.

[42:33] Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[42:36] Nope,

[42:36] that's beatboxing.

[42:37] That doesn't count

[42:38] as rapping.

[42:39] He's just laying

[42:40] a bone for himself.

[42:41] Jesus loves me.

Dan McCoy

[42:42] This I know

[42:43] for the Bible

[42:44] tells me so.

[42:46] Tells me so?

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Steaks and cakes thing?

[42:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:50] Et cetera,

[42:51] et cetera.

[42:53] Real rappy,

[42:54] rappity-rap,

[42:55] rap, rap.

Stuart Wellington

[42:55] That's a pretty good

[42:56] rap,

[42:57] Lynn Danielle Miranda.

[42:59] Oh,

[42:59] boy.

[43:00] You burned him,

[43:01] I guess.

[43:02] No,

[43:03] I gave him a cool nickname.

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] I also forgot,

[43:05] let's mention that

[43:05] at one point

[43:06] they go to a hot dog

[43:07] restaurant called

[43:08] Footers,

[43:09] which I have to assume

[43:09] is the male version

[43:11] of Hooters

[43:11] where people's penises

[43:12] are hanging out.

Stuart Wellington

[43:14] Oh,

[43:14] I thought it was

[43:14] because there weren't

[43:15] like flip-flops

[43:15] to show off their feet.

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] Yeah,

[43:17] it's a Quentin Tarantino

[43:18] fetish-themed restaurant.

[43:21] She is mortified

[43:22] when Paul confronts her

[43:23] with Christianity for Dummies.

[43:24] He says,

[43:25] you lied to me,

[43:26] you're not the person

[43:26] I thought you were.

Stuart Wellington

[43:28] is dog-eared.

[43:29] You have been reading it

[43:30] non-stop

[43:31] and that makes me mad

[43:32] because I don't date

[43:33] fucking bookworm nerds.

Elliott Kalan

[43:35] But what you're saying

[43:36] is true because

[43:36] there's a lot of books

[43:37] that are like

[43:37] Judaism for beginners

[43:38] and only Jewish people

[43:40] read those.

[43:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:41] And I gotta say,

[43:42] Paul in this scene

[43:44] is like the most

[43:45] reasonable person

[43:46] in the movie.

[43:47] Like he's not like

[43:48] his mom

[43:49] who is this super judgy

[43:51] Christian lady.

[43:51] Who's looking to reject

[43:52] Gwen at any turn.

[43:54] Yeah,

[43:54] and she's not.

[43:55] No one is good enough

[43:56] or her Paul.

Elliott Kalan

[43:58] I mean,

[43:58] as Jesus,

[43:59] she shouldn't be judging

[44:00] because as Jesus said,

[44:02] as Jesus said,

[44:04] judge yes

[44:05] for you will judge.

[44:08] Oh,

[44:08] okay.

[44:09] That was what he said,

[44:10] right?

[44:10] Yeah,

[44:10] that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[44:10] He was like,

[44:11] judging's fun and cool.

[44:13] Show other people

[44:13] that you're better than them.

Dan McCoy

[44:15] And he said,

[44:16] radical.

[44:16] He said,

[44:17] blessed are the meek

[44:18] because they're really easy

[44:19] to steal lunches from.

Elliott Kalan

[44:20] Yep,

[44:21] this is bully Jesus,

[44:22] I guess.

[44:22] Blessed are the wedgies

[44:24] and blessed are the noogie.

[44:26] For they will reside

Dan McCoy

[44:29] in the kingdom of crack.

Stuart Wellington

[44:31] Why was there only one set

[44:32] of fist prints on your face?

[44:35] Because why are you

[44:36] punching yourself?

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] That was the parable

[44:40] of the,

[44:40] I'm not touching you,

[44:42] I'm not touching you.

Dan McCoy

[44:44] Turned water

[44:45] into wet willies.

[44:49] What were we talking about?

[44:51] Talking about Christian Mingle,

[44:52] No,

[44:53] I just think that the,

[44:54] I think that the guy in it

[44:55] is really reasonable.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] He's giving her a chance

[44:57] to explain.

[44:58] To explain,

[44:58] yeah.

[44:59] And she can't,

[45:00] there's nothing to explain

[45:00] because

[45:01] faith is unexplainable.

[45:03] Anyway,

[45:04] she feels rejected

[45:05] and she goes back home

[45:06] and she has a real crisis of,

[45:08] I guess you'd call it

[45:09] faith,

[45:10] faith,

[45:10] faith.

[45:11] And she decides,

[45:12] you know what,

[45:12] I can't sell this bald person

[45:14] drug.

[45:15] Forget it,

[45:16] I'm not going to do that.

[45:17] And she finds a church

[45:18] that's kind of like

[45:18] a storefront church

[45:19] where they do nothing

[45:20] but sing gospel tunes,

[45:21] the same gospel song

[45:23] over and over again.

[45:24] Yep.

[45:24] She also,

[45:25] She's like,

[45:25] whoa,

[45:25] this is cool.

[45:27] She brings her bike

[45:27] to Corbin Bernstein,

[45:28] a bike repairman,

[45:29] and they watch

[45:30] a Christian Mingle ad

[45:31] on TV.

[45:32] And she just kind of like

[45:33] becomes more and more

[45:34] Christian in a real way.

[45:36] She starts reading the Bible

[45:37] and even though

[45:38] she's mad at God

[45:38] at first because

[45:39] Paul breaks up with her

[45:40] and then she finds out

[45:41] that he's with Kelly,

[45:43] she's like,

[45:43] hey,

[45:45] God,

[45:47] I don't know,

[45:47] whatever.

[45:48] Yeah,

[45:48] because they have

Stuart Wellington

[45:49] that coffee date

[45:50] where he sits on the bench

[45:52] like a fucking wimp

[45:53] with his fucking legs together

[45:54] like a dude who doesn't fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[45:57] Yeah,

[45:57] Stuart,

[45:57] I was not comfortable

[45:58] when he was sitting

[46:00] on a bench

[46:00] and Stuart was like,

[46:01] look at the way he sits.

[46:02] That's a dude

[46:02] who doesn't fuck.

[46:03] And I was like,

[46:04] I don't,

[46:04] I'm not comfortable right now.

[46:06] This is harassment.

[46:07] look at the way he's sitting.

[46:08] But,

Dan McCoy

[46:08] she realizes

[46:10] that the Bible

[46:11] is pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[46:12] Oh,

[46:13] damn,

[46:13] and he's touching me again.

[46:14] Pretty cool,

[46:15] Stuart.

[46:15] Oh,

[46:15] now it's going up,

[46:16] are you going to touch

[46:17] my neck and face next?

[46:18] I think if you,

[46:18] I think if you just open the,

Dan McCoy

[46:20] you just open the book

[46:21] you'll find a lot

[46:22] that'll speak to you.

[46:23] Hey,

Dan McCoy

[46:23] Stuart,

[46:23] I want to tell you about.

Stuart Wellington

[46:23] This is like me watching

[46:25] Arachnophobia

[46:25] with my little brother

[46:26] and him putting his hand

[46:27] on my shoulder

[46:28] to scare me.

Elliott Kalan

[46:29] Stuart,

[46:29] I want to tell you

[46:30] about a kind of cool guy

[46:31] who said things

[46:32] that people didn't like,

[46:34] who was a real rebel

[46:35] and who wrote a book

[46:36] that has really

[46:38] changed a lot of minds

[46:39] and lifted a lot of hearts

[46:40] and his name's Karl Marx.

[46:43] So he said,

[46:44] if the workers

[46:44] control the means

[46:45] of production,

[46:46] we would live

[46:47] in a paradise

[46:48] where everyone gets

[46:49] their own

[46:50] nine foot by nine foot cell

[46:51] and we eat the same gruel

[46:53] and no one's better

[46:54] than anyone else

[46:55] because we're all wearing

[46:56] shapeless jumpsuits.

[46:57] That sounds great.

Stuart Wellington

[46:59] That sounds just like

[46:59] my friends on

[47:00] Jim Davis'

[47:02] lesser known comic

[47:03] U.S. Acres.

[47:05] You got it.

[47:06] I can see you

[47:07] looking for it

[47:08] in your brain

[47:08] and you found it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] I can see you

[47:13] flipping through the pages

[47:15] of the index

[47:15] in your brain.

[47:17] Cartoonist

[47:18] Davis,

[47:19] Jim C.

[47:21] C.

[47:23] And then

[47:23] under him going down,

[47:25] not Garfield,

[47:26] not Nirmal,

[47:27] no,

[47:27] not that one Garfield book

[47:28] where it was like

[47:29] the nine lives of Garfield

[47:30] and they weren't funny,

[47:31] they were just weird.

Stuart Wellington

[47:32] The Erotic Adventures

[47:33] of Garfield.

Elliott Kalan

[47:35] Not Garfield

[47:38] and the Prisoner of Azkaban,

[47:39] no.

[47:40] Here we go,

[47:41] U.S. Acres.

[47:44] It was,

[47:45] it never has been.

Dan McCoy

[47:46] The beloved pig Orson.

Elliott Kalan

[47:48] And that duck,

[47:49] everyone remembers.

[47:50] That duck with the

[47:50] floaty thing on him.

Dan McCoy

[47:52] And the egg

[47:53] with the legs

[47:54] sticking out of it.

[47:54] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[47:54] legs egg.

[47:55] Sheldon.

[47:56] U.S. Acres,

[47:57] or as I called it

[47:58] as a kid when I watched

[47:59] Garfield and Friends,

[48:00] time to use the bathroom.

[48:00] Looks like I got

[48:04] a four to five minute

[48:05] bathroom break

[48:06] coming my way

[48:07] if I see a U.S.

[48:08] Acres title card

[48:09] and I don't give a shit

[48:10] about these characters.

[48:12] Oh boy.

[48:14] Yeah.

[48:15] So,

[48:16] why was there never

[48:17] a Garfield-U.S.

[48:17] Acres crossover?

Stuart Wellington

[48:18] That's what's crazy.

[48:20] Like,

[48:20] if you're trying to build

[48:21] a universe,

[48:22] get my,

[48:23] get my boy Kevin Feige

[48:24] in on this shit,

[48:25] dog.

Elliott Kalan

[48:25] there's a reason

[48:26] that Spider-Man

[48:27] showed up in the

[48:28] Meteor Man Limited series

[48:30] based on the movie,

[48:31] even though he's not

[48:32] in the movie

[48:32] because Marvel wanted

[48:33] to sell some books.

[48:35] Yeah,

[48:35] yeah,

[48:35] you're trying to,

[48:36] you're trying to give him

[48:37] some bona fides.

[48:38] Yeah,

[48:38] exactly.

[48:39] You know who doesn't

[48:40] have bona fides?

[48:41] Karl Marx?

[48:42] Lacey Chabert

[48:43] and Christa McGill.

[48:44] Let's continue.

[48:44] So she's finding God

[48:45] and she's losing Paul

[48:46] and she realizes,

[48:48] I can't do this job anymore.

[48:49] I always wanted to be

[48:49] a teacher.

[48:50] What am I going to do?

[48:50] And she needed

Stuart Wellington

[48:51] a fucking hobby,

[48:52] dude,

[48:52] because all of her friends

[48:53] are...

[48:54] I mean,

[48:54] they're busy with their lives.

[48:55] Yeah,

[48:55] but we haven't seen them

[48:56] in like an hour of movie time.

Elliott Kalan

[48:58] That's true.

[48:59] Yeah.

[49:00] Not since they shamed

[49:01] her sweater that she bought

[49:03] to go to church

[49:03] because she decided

[49:04] not to wear one of her

[49:05] love cut tops.

[49:06] her friend who's wearing

Dan McCoy

[49:06] a fucking...

[49:07] She decided to wear

[49:07] three separate colors

Elliott Kalan

[49:09] of beige together.

[49:11] Yeah,

[49:11] the most godly

[49:12] of all colors.

Stuart Wellington

[49:13] All right.

[49:13] And that's going to get

[49:14] steak and or cake

[49:15] all over it, dude.

[49:16] That's a good point.

[49:16] It's going to stink.

[49:17] They're not even wearing

[49:18] beards.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] They're not even wearing bibs.

[49:20] No,

[49:21] you're right.

[49:21] When you go to a steak restaurant,

[49:22] you wear a long beard.

[49:24] Like ZZ Top

[49:25] to keep the grease

[49:26] off your shirt.

[49:27] You don't want to

[49:28] mess up your tie.

[49:29] What kind of

[49:29] uncomfortable,

[49:30] unpleasant restaurant

[49:31] would that be

[49:31] where they're like,

[49:32] hold on,

[49:33] put on this fake beard

[49:34] and now eat through it.

[49:35] And you're just getting

[49:36] food and grease

[49:37] trapped in this fake beard.

[49:38] And it's made out of

[49:39] like Brillo pad

[49:41] and steel wool

[49:41] so it's really uncomfortable

[49:42] and scratchy.

[49:43] Anyway,

[49:44] it's called Beards and Beers

[49:46] and it's a gastropub.

[49:48] Actually,

[49:49] there is a,

[49:49] in the movie

[49:49] Where Danger Lives

[49:52] with Robert Mitchum,

[49:52] there is a scene

[49:53] where he gets arrested

[49:54] because he's passing

[49:55] through a town

[49:55] that is having

[49:56] its beard festival

[49:57] and he doesn't have

[49:58] a beard.

[49:59] And he's on the run

[50:01] with this woman

[50:03] whose husband

[50:04] he thinks he killed

[50:04] and their pictures

[50:06] are sent over

[50:07] by teletype,

[50:07] I guess,

[50:08] from another police station

[50:09] and someone goes like,

[50:11] these don't have

[50:11] beards on them either

[50:12] and draws beards on them

[50:14] thus making them

[50:15] unidentifiable

[50:16] and saving Robert Mitchum again.

[50:17] It's actually

[50:18] a really fun movie.

[50:18] But anyway.

[50:20] What was the name again?

[50:20] Where Danger Lives.

[50:21] Alright.

[50:24] So anyway,

[50:25] but she decides,

[50:26] She gets a letter

[50:27] in the mail

[50:28] from the girl

[50:28] who asked that question

[50:29] in Spanish

[50:29] saying with,

[50:31] it's like,

[50:32] I sorry,

[50:33] pardon,

[50:34] poor me,

[50:35] broken English.

[50:35] It's ridiculous,

[50:36] this letter.

Stuart Wellington

[50:37] It's terrible

[50:37] and it cuts to

[50:38] a slow motion shot

[50:40] of this girl.

[50:41] Beatific.

[50:42] Yeah,

[50:43] it's like soft lighting

[50:44] and she's like

[50:46] slowly nodding her head

[50:47] and it's fucking weird

[50:49] as hell, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[50:49] And she realizes,

[50:52] And it's like,

[50:52] thank you for explaining

[50:53] those things to me

[50:54] about Christianity,

[50:55] I think.

[50:56] And anyway,

[50:56] this is the movie doing it.

[50:57] It's not me doing it.

[50:58] Anyway,

[50:59] and she says,

[51:01] I'm going to go back there

[51:02] and she goes back to Mexico

[51:03] and becomes a teacher

[51:04] at the Escuela

[51:05] and then Paul,

[51:08] I guess,

[51:08] hears about it

[51:09] and shows up

[51:10] and says,

[51:12] I broke up with Kelly

[51:13] who I was with briefly.

[51:15] magically delicious.

[51:16] Now, I want to be with you.

[51:17] I never forgot about you

[51:19] and they fall in love

[51:20] and they kiss

[51:21] as a guy is putting

[51:22] Christmas ornaments

[51:23] up on a Christmas tree

[51:24] watching them.

[51:25] Yeah.

[51:26] Kind of creepy.

[51:26] Sort of giggles.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] Yeah, he's like super bashful

[51:28] and keeps hiding his face.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] It's weird that he giggles

[51:31] because Corbin Bernson

[51:32] didn't play Dr. Giggles,

[51:33] he played The Dentist.

[51:34] Oh.

[51:35] That is weird.

[51:36] in which a guy finds...

[51:37] I put that in the

[51:38] flub section of IMDb.

[51:40] I think it's the dentist

[51:40] where a guy just finds

[51:43] a tongue lying in a driveway

[51:44] and it turns out

[51:45] that it's his lover's tongue

[51:46] that was cut out of her mouth.

[51:48] I don't remember

[51:48] the dentist.

[51:48] And she's like lying

[51:49] next to a pool

[51:50] and she surprises him

[51:52] with her horrified,

[51:53] you know,

[51:54] her mutilated face.

[51:54] Was that The Dentist?

Stuart Wellington

[51:56] It might be.

[51:57] Once again,

[51:57] I don't remember

[51:58] The Dentist very well.

[51:59] Is that a Brian Yuzna movie?

[52:00] I think it might be.

Elliott Kalan

[52:01] It might be, yeah.

[52:02] And so everything's okay

[52:04] and they're like,

[52:05] yay, we're good now.

[52:06] Now, credits start,

[52:07] uh-uh, uh, credits are over.

[52:09] It's Christmas

[52:10] and we see that

[52:11] they're still together

[52:12] and they kiss

[52:12] and then suddenly

[52:14] it's like snap cut

[52:15] to a photo

[52:16] of him proposing to her

[52:17] and then the movie's over.

Stuart Wellington

[52:19] Yeah, they're like

[52:20] snuggling on a couch

[52:21] and then it pans up,

[52:23] like they're kissing

[52:23] and then it pans up

[52:25] and there's a mistletoe

[52:25] above them

[52:26] and you're supposed

[52:26] to be like,

[52:27] oh, that's why

[52:28] they were kissing

[52:29] because they're forced

[52:31] to by customs.

Elliott Kalan

[52:32] By the laws of mistletoe.

[52:35] Yeah.

[52:36] So, Dan,

[52:37] so here's my question.

[52:38] One,

[52:39] I'm not Christian.

[52:40] Never will be.

[52:41] Right.

[52:41] Unless,

[52:42] a vision appears to me.

[52:43] Yeah, you're our expert

Stuart Wellington

[52:44] on this one, Danny Boy.

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] Dan, you grew up

[52:45] in a very Christian household

[52:47] and you mingled

[52:48] with a lot of Christians.

[52:49] Yeah.

[52:49] So, are Christians really

[52:50] this doubtful

[52:51] and anxious

[52:53] about other Christians

[52:54] not being as Christian

[52:55] as they're Christian?

[52:56] And two,

[52:58] what was the point

[52:59] of this movie?

Dan McCoy

[52:59] And I thought that like,

[53:01] wow,

[53:01] I don't think that second one

[53:03] is answerable,

[53:04] but the first one.

[53:04] I would think the second

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] would be way more answerable.

[53:07] The movie wasn't funny.

[53:09] It wasn't romantic.

[53:10] Yeah, who's it for?

[53:10] It didn't seem to be

[53:11] that particularly crazy

[53:12] about Jesus in the end.

[53:14] Here's the thing.

[53:15] She realizes that

[53:17] Stephen Toblowski says

[53:19] he has faith in this product,

[53:20] this baldness product,

[53:21] and it will work.

[53:23] And the movie,

[53:23] I think,

[53:24] is supposed to make you think,

[53:25] see like,

[53:25] oh, that's false faith

[53:26] as opposed to real faith.

[53:28] Well, what it told me was,

[53:29] oh,

[53:31] her faith in the Lord,

[53:33] just as Stephen Toblowski's faith

[53:35] in this baldness cure,

[53:36] is merely a defense mechanism

[53:38] against the harsh

[53:39] and arbitrary nature

[53:40] of the universe

[53:41] in which they find themselves,

[53:43] in which there is no justice

[53:44] and beauty is just

[53:45] what we decide it is

[53:46] and there is no grace

[53:47] and it's so hard

[53:48] to come up against

[53:50] that reality

[53:51] that they have to believe

[53:52] in something,

[53:53] be it Jesus

[53:54] or this baldness pill.

Stuart Wellington

[53:56] Yeah, you need to clutch

[53:57] onto some kind of life preserver

[53:58] in this horrible sea

[53:59] of sadness

[54:01] that is life.

[54:03] So, Dan,

[54:04] what do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[54:05] So, answer those two questions.

[54:06] What was the point

[54:07] of the movie

[54:07] and also Christians?

[54:08] Are they like that?

Dan McCoy

[54:09] There's some Christians

[54:10] who are like that.

[54:11] There's some

[54:12] very devout Christians

[54:14] who are obsessed

[54:15] with their religion,

[54:17] but for the most part,

[54:18] no.

[54:19] I found it very strange

[54:21] that, uh,

[54:22] in that, like,

[54:23] the scene with the, uh,

[54:24] young, uh,

[54:26] Mexican girl,

[54:28] like,

[54:29] her question is...

[54:30] Let's just call her

[54:31] Mexicali Rose.

[54:32] Her name's Maria.

[54:34] Her question is,

[54:35] like, basically...

[54:36] That's not me being racist.

[54:38] That's literally the movie.

[54:39] That's her name in the movie.

[54:40] Her question is basically,

[54:41] like,

[54:43] boils down to

[54:44] why do good things happen?

[54:45] She says,

[54:45] if God...

[54:46] Bad things happen to good people.

Elliott Kalan

[54:46] If God is love,

[54:47] then why did he destroy our town?

Stuart Wellington

[54:48] Yeah.

[54:49] Mm-hmm.

[54:49] And I can't imagine

[54:51] the fucking viewer

[54:51] who's like,

[54:53] I feel that way, too.

[54:54] Please answer this question

Elliott Kalan

[54:56] for me, movie.

[54:57] Corbin Bergson movie?

[54:58] You better have an answer,

[54:59] because I've been wondering

[55:00] this my whole life.

Dan McCoy

[55:00] Well, that's the thing.

[55:01] Like, they expect, uh,

[55:03] our hero,

[55:04] Lacey Chabert,

[55:05] to be able to answer that,

[55:06] and when she is not able

[55:08] to answer it,

[55:08] everyone's like,

[55:10] oh, she's not a Christian.

[55:11] But, like,

[55:11] that's the question

[55:12] that everyone's been struggling

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] with in every religion

[55:15] since the dawn of time.

[55:16] Well, not every religion,

[55:18] necessarily,

[55:19] because not every religion

[55:20] since the dawn of time

[55:21] was based on the idea

[55:22] of a benevolent God

[55:23] or a loving God.

[55:24] Yeah.

[55:24] For most of human history,

[55:26] I'd think,

[55:26] gods were capricious forces

[55:29] that you had to curry favor with

[55:31] in order to get something

[55:32] from them.

Dan McCoy

[55:33] No, no, I guess you're right.

[55:34] I suppose in something

[55:35] like Buddhism,

[55:36] they would be like,

[55:37] look, you know,

[55:37] it's your, you're,

[55:38] you're, uh,

[55:39] it's your attachment

[55:40] to earthly things

[55:41] that is causing the,

[55:42] your problem here.

[55:43] It's not that

[55:44] some antagonistic god

[55:46] has done something to you.

Elliott Kalan

[55:47] But, certainly for,

[55:48] for the 2,000 years

[55:49] of Christianity,

[55:51] and I would say

[55:52] for Judaism before that,

[55:53] that was a big,

[55:54] I mean, that's what

[55:55] the book of Job

[55:55] is all about.

[55:57] Like, so it's not like,

[55:58] it is a,

[55:58] it is weird,

[55:59] that they're like,

[56:00] hmm, she hasn't answered

[56:01] the question that

[56:02] the Judeo-Christian tradition

[56:03] has been trying to answer

[56:04] for millennia.

[56:05] She doesn't count.

[56:06] Not worthy of Paul.

[56:07] Because I assume,

[56:08] I assume Kelly is like,

[56:10] oh yeah,

[56:10] it's because God's plan

[56:11] says this, this, this,

[56:13] this, and this.

[56:13] You don't understand.

[56:13] He destroyed your town,

[56:15] but it's so that

[56:15] my friend Paul

[56:17] could fall in love

[56:18] with this girl.

[56:18] So, uh,

[56:19] I guess it all balances

[56:20] out in the end.

Stuart Wellington

[56:21] Shouldn't they have been,

[56:23] uh, concerned about

[56:24] this girl's,

[56:26] uh, lack of understanding

[56:27] of the Bible

[56:27] and be like,

[56:28] we need to help her.

[56:30] But instead,

[56:31] they're like,

[56:31] mm-mm,

[56:32] you know,

[56:33] no siree.

[56:34] You know what would

[56:34] have been better

[56:35] is if she had given

[56:36] an answer that would

[56:37] have been contra

[56:37] to the Christian faith.

Elliott Kalan

[56:40] She was like,

[56:41] oh, because Krom

[56:42] tests us all.

[56:43] Yeah, exactly.

[56:44] And it's when we cry

[56:44] out for help

Stuart Wellington

[56:45] that he knows

[56:45] we are weak

[56:46] and we don't have

[56:47] the strength

[56:47] to really serve him.

[56:48] Someone in this town

[56:49] must have insulted

[56:50] Poseidon

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] and he sent a storm

[56:52] to destroy your village.

[56:53] Have you guys

[56:54] been sacrificing

[56:55] to Aeolus,

[56:56] the wind god?

[56:57] Because this could

[56:58] be a problem.

Dan McCoy

[56:59] What you need

[57:00] is more golden idols.

Elliott Kalan

[57:02] Uh, I want to

[57:03] introduce you

[57:03] to a little friend

[57:04] of mine named

[57:04] Baal

[57:05] and his pal Tiamat.

[57:06] Now, let's talk

[57:07] about this, shall we?

[57:08] How many sacrifices

[57:09] do you make?

[57:10] Human, I mean.

[57:11] Zero?

[57:12] Let's get you

[57:13] on the installment plan.

[57:14] Uh, now you're

[57:16] gonna, that undercoating,

[57:18] that just comes

[57:18] from the factory.

[57:19] That's, you're gonna

[57:19] get that name gone.

Stuart Wellington

[57:20] And you have plenty

[57:21] of humans to sacrifice.

[57:23] You have weird old lady

[57:24] who sits bundled up

[57:25] on a chair over there.

[57:26] You get those people

[57:27] that look mad

[57:28] that we're here.

Elliott Kalan

[57:29] You have those guys

[57:29] sitting outside

[57:30] watching a TV

[57:31] a couple inches

[57:32] from the inside

[57:33] where they could be

[57:34] watching it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:34] For a town that has

[57:35] a few very old people,

[57:37] they have a lot

[57:38] of children

[57:39] running around

[57:39] in this town.

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] Yeah, that's why

[57:41] they look...

[57:41] It's kind of weird.

[57:42] They're not old,

[57:42] they're just exhausted

[57:43] from taking care

[57:44] of all these children.

[57:45] Okay.

[57:45] Trust me, I have one child

[57:46] and I share care of him

[57:47] with my wife

[57:48] and also his nanny

[57:49] and I'm dying.

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] Maybe all those people

[57:51] are like Alicia Keys

[57:52] and just not wearing

[57:53] makeup for that scene.

[57:56] I don't know

[57:57] what that means.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] So, anyway,

[57:59] I get your point, Dan.

[58:01] I just want,

[58:02] I want to make it clear

[58:02] to the audience

[58:03] that it is not my view

[58:04] that we live in a cold,

[58:05] arbitrary reality

[58:06] with no grace

[58:07] or truth in it.

[58:09] Okay.

[58:10] But this movie

[58:10] made me feel that way.

Dan McCoy

[58:11] Mm-hmm.

[58:13] Which brings us

[58:14] to Final Judgments.

[58:16] Whether this was

[58:17] a good, bad movie,

[58:17] a bad, bad movie,

[58:19] or a movie

[58:20] we kind of liked.

[58:23] I feel like I,

[58:26] this movie went down

[58:27] kind of smooth

[58:28] in a weird way.

[58:29] No, I agree with you.

Elliott Kalan

[58:31] It was,

[58:31] this was like,

[58:33] it was like sitting

[58:34] in not a nice bath,

[58:35] but like a tepid enough

[58:36] bath that you didn't notice it.

Dan McCoy

[58:37] Yeah, there's nothing

[58:38] objectionable to it,

[58:39] really.

[58:39] I mean,

[58:40] other than its

[58:40] simplistic view

[58:41] of religion.

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] I kind of object

[58:43] to the fact

[58:44] that Lacey Chabert

[58:45] has an outside

[58:46] trash can inside.

[58:48] She has one of those

[58:49] like giant silver

[58:50] trash cans

[58:50] in her fucking kitchen,

[58:52] too.

[58:52] And she doesn't have

Elliott Kalan

[58:52] a bag in it,

[58:56] which means

[58:56] she has to take it

[58:57] outside to take

[58:58] out the trash

[58:59] and she throws

[59:00] paper and other

[59:02] garbage in there.

[59:03] She doesn't separate.

Stuart Wellington

[59:04] I feel like she has

[59:05] to walk out

[59:05] when the garbage

[59:06] truck pulls up

[59:07] and she just like

[59:07] shakes loose garbage

[59:09] into the back

[59:09] of that garbage truck.

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] She just dumps it

[59:11] on the street

[59:12] and says,

[59:12] pick it up.

[59:13] And she wonders

[59:14] why God doesn't like her.

[59:15] Yeah, I think it was

[59:16] a weirdly smooth movie

[59:17] considering I didn't

[59:18] like it and it's

[59:20] like if I was Christian,

[59:22] I think I'd have

[59:22] real issues

[59:23] with its portrayal

[59:24] of Christianity

[59:25] and Christians.

[59:26] But it's like

[59:27] it's like a

[59:29] one of those

[59:31] like

[59:31] one of those

[59:33] cigarettes that

[59:33] like kids smoke

[59:34] that get them

Dan McCoy

[59:35] into smoking cigarettes.

[59:36] Like a candy cigarette?

Elliott Kalan

[59:37] No, like the cigarettes

[59:38] that aren't as harsh

[59:39] as the other ones.

[59:39] Cloves?

[59:40] Yeah, it's like

[59:41] a clove cigarette.

Dan McCoy

[59:41] Like a Capri 120?

Elliott Kalan

[59:43] Yeah, you're like,

[59:44] oh, this isn't so bad,

[59:46] but you don't realize

[59:46] the damage it's doing

[59:47] to your insides

[59:48] and it's a gateway

[59:49] to worse movies.

[59:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:50] No, I think it's

[59:51] a bad, bad movie,

[59:52] but it's one

[59:52] that goes down

[59:53] real smooth.

Stuart Wellington

[59:56] Yeah, and it doesn't

[59:56] really like,

[59:58] it feels like

[59:59] it's in on the joke

[1:00:00] at times,

[1:00:01] but then other times

[1:00:02] it isn't in on the joke.

[1:00:03] I don't get it.

[1:00:04] Like,

[1:00:05] it confuses me a lot,

[1:00:06] Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:07] So,

[1:00:08] Clashing tones.

[1:00:09] Yeah.

[1:00:09] Clash of the tonins.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:11] As to why it exists,

[1:00:12] I assume it's just

[1:00:14] an ad for fucking

[1:00:14] Christian Mingle,

[1:00:15] right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:16] But it's,

[1:00:16] I guess they find love,

[1:00:17] but it's like,

[1:00:18] it's considering all the

[1:00:19] times Christian Mingle

[1:00:20] is mentioned in it,

[1:00:21] I don't get a sense

[1:00:22] of how it works,

[1:00:23] what the features are,

[1:00:24] why it's better

[1:00:24] than other dating sites.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:25] I swear that the movie

[1:00:27] should have ended

[1:00:27] with one of her friends

[1:00:28] being like,

[1:00:29] you know there's other

[1:00:31] online dating services,

[1:00:33] and Lacey Chabert

[1:00:33] looks at the camera

[1:00:34] and goes,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:35] what?

[1:00:35] Now you tell me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:37] She spits out her

[1:00:38] Mr. Pibb or whatever

[1:00:39] the fuck she's drinking

[1:00:40] and goes,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:41] here we go again.

[1:00:44] Here's how the movie

[1:00:45] should have ended.

[1:00:46] It doesn't work out

[1:00:46] with Paul,

[1:00:47] and she's like,

[1:00:47] what am I going to do?

[1:00:48] And the TV goes on

[1:00:49] and goes,

[1:00:49] J-Date,

[1:00:50] where Jewish singles

[1:00:51] find their match.

[1:00:52] And she looks at the camera

[1:00:53] with her head turned like,

[1:00:55] She says,

[1:00:55] Oy vey.

[1:00:56] Yeah.

[1:00:57] And then it cuts to black

[1:00:58] and you just hear like,

[1:01:00] Havana Gila,

[1:01:01] like klezmer version.

[1:01:02] I feel like there's

Dan McCoy

[1:01:02] like a weird

[1:01:03] John Waters version

[1:01:04] of this movie

[1:01:05] that works that way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:07] And then you cut

[1:01:08] to a post-credit sequence

[1:01:09] where a guy steps

[1:01:11] on a glass

[1:01:12] and everyone yells,

[1:01:12] Mazel Tov,

[1:01:13] and we see she's

[1:01:13] just married someone

[1:01:14] and he goes,

[1:01:15] so you'll be able

[1:01:16] to prepare a full

[1:01:16] Shabbat meal

[1:01:17] in the traditional way?

[1:01:18] And she just goes,

[1:01:19] uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:21] And then it cuts to her

[1:01:22] using,

[1:01:23] I don't know,

[1:01:23] black people meat

[1:01:24] or what are some

[1:01:25] of the other

[1:01:25] various people?

[1:01:26] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] No, it cuts to her.

[1:01:28] I thought you meant

[1:01:30] to make dinner.

[1:01:31] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:33] That's horrifying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:34] But it's also horrifying.

[1:01:36] So she's a cannibal?

[1:01:37] No, the idea is

[1:01:38] that she's like

[1:01:38] bouncing around.

[1:01:39] When did Christian Mangle

Dan McCoy

[1:01:39] become anthropophagus?

[1:01:40] All of it's horrifying.

[1:01:41] She's bouncing around

[1:01:42] like other,

[1:01:43] there's this other

[1:01:44] like dating site

[1:01:46] that's just called

[1:01:47] black people meat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:48] That totally is

[1:01:49] the name of a

[1:01:49] fucking website.

[1:01:50] Is there?

[1:01:51] M-E-E-T.

[1:01:52] That's terrible.

[1:01:53] No, the idea that

[1:01:54] like she bounces,

[1:01:55] I mean,

[1:01:57] that's a harsh critique

[1:01:57] of a successful

[1:01:58] dating website, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:59] Yeah, how many

[1:02:00] successful dating websites

[1:02:01] have you set up?

[1:02:02] I just don't care

[1:02:03] for that name.

[1:02:05] Okay, Dan,

[1:02:06] you as a privileged

[1:02:07] white man,

[1:02:08] as a cisgender,

[1:02:10] heteronormative

[1:02:12] white male,

[1:02:13] how do you get

[1:02:14] to decide how

[1:02:14] black people get

[1:02:15] to title their websites?

[1:02:16] I just imagine

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:16] the post-credit

[1:02:17] bloops sequences

[1:02:18] her trying all

[1:02:19] these different

[1:02:19] specific...

[1:02:20] You know what, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:21] Hashtag check

[1:02:21] your website privilege.

[1:02:22] All right.

[1:02:23] So, Christian Mingle

[1:02:25] goes down smooth.

[1:02:26] Here's the thing, though.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:27] She probably uses

[1:02:28] that weird dating website

[1:02:29] that only famous

[1:02:30] people can use.

[1:02:31] Like, she sneaks

[1:02:32] her way onto it

[1:02:33] and she goes on

[1:02:33] a date with...

[1:02:34] Famous people Tinder.

[1:02:35] Yeah, she ends up

[1:02:36] going on a date

[1:02:36] with, like,

[1:02:37] actual Corbin Bernson

[1:02:38] and he's just

[1:02:39] not feeling it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] Is that a real thing?

[1:02:41] She's a real famous

[1:02:42] person Tinder, yeah.

[1:02:43] So famous people

[1:02:44] can just hook up

[1:02:45] with each other?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:46] I guess so.

[1:02:46] I mean, they don't

[1:02:47] want to consort

[1:02:48] with us normies.

[1:02:49] It just seems so weird.

[1:02:51] So impersonal.

[1:02:53] I mean, it all seems

[1:02:55] weird and impersonal, right?

[1:02:56] Not to me.

[1:02:57] I don't do that anymore.

[1:02:59] All right.

[1:03:00] Well, that was Christian Mingle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:02] For the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:23] International Waters

S6

[1:03:32] pairs a team of comedians

[1:03:33] in L.A.

[1:03:34] against a team

[1:03:35] of comedians in London

[1:03:36] in a pop culture battle royale.

[1:03:38] Join us once a fortnight

[1:03:39] to hear the best comedians

[1:03:41] in the world,

[1:03:42] trade jokes and stories,

[1:03:43] and maybe even learn

[1:03:44] something at the same time.

[1:03:46] International Waters

[1:03:47] with me, Dave Holmes.

[1:03:48] Find it at MaximumFun.org

[1:03:49] or wherever you download podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] So, the Flophouse

[1:03:58] has a few sponsors.

[1:04:00] We have some sponsors.

[1:04:01] Let's see.

[1:04:01] This is Christian Mingle.

[1:04:03] Uh-oh.

[1:04:05] First sponsor

[1:04:06] is Squarespace.

[1:04:09] The Flophouse is supported

[1:04:10] in part by Squarespace.

[1:04:12] Whether you need a landing page,

[1:04:14] a beautiful gallery,

[1:04:15] a professional blog,

[1:04:17] or an online store,

[1:04:19] it's all included

[1:04:20] with your Squarespace website.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:22] Those sound like all the things

[1:04:23] that you normally

[1:04:24] want to make your website.

[1:04:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:25] I have another website

[1:04:26] that I'm thinking of putting on.

[1:04:28] Oh, shit.

[1:04:28] Anyway, it's called...

Dan McCoy

[1:04:30] Listen to my idea

[1:04:32] before you throw it out the window.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:34] Anyway, it's called

[1:04:35] Christian Dingle.

[1:04:37] And it's...

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:39] No, yeah, I guess

[1:04:41] I should have given you a shot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:43] You know what?

[1:04:43] I'm not even going to tell you

[1:04:45] what it's about.

[1:04:46] But Squarespace, I'm sure,

[1:04:47] would help me make it great.

[1:04:48] They'd make it so it looks good

[1:04:49] even on mobile platforms,

[1:04:51] iPads, computers,

[1:04:52] whatever you want to look at it.

[1:04:54] And they have a lot of...

[1:04:57] It's just really easy to use, right?

[1:04:59] They have a lot of support

[1:05:00] for the amateur user.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:02] Squarespace offers 24-7

[1:05:03] customer support.

[1:05:07] And every member of the team

[1:05:09] is an experienced Squarespace user

[1:05:11] working in a Squarespace office.

[1:05:13] So all of your questions

[1:05:15] can be answered.

[1:05:16] So they're not outsourcing this

[1:05:17] to some prison somewhere.

[1:05:19] That's right.

[1:05:21] Although it's all online.

[1:05:23] It's not phone support.

[1:05:25] But I prefer that myself anyway

[1:05:26] because I don't want to talk

[1:05:28] to somebody.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:29] Yeah.

[1:05:29] You want to sit just in a dark room.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:05:33] You want to...

[1:05:33] In my underwear.

[1:05:34] You want to see the responding cursor

[1:05:36] slowly bleeping in the darkness

[1:05:38] hoping for somebody to respond to you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:41] You want to see the dot, dot, dot

[1:05:42] that says they're typing

[1:05:43] and then those dot, dot, dots

[1:05:44] disappear.

[1:05:45] And you're like,

[1:05:46] what was it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:47] What were they to say?

[1:05:49] There was so much potential

Dan McCoy

[1:05:49] it was a Schrodinger's cat situation.

[1:05:51] Like, maybe I'll click on a window

[1:05:53] and look at that

[1:05:54] while they're typing.

[1:05:55] Maybe that was how I found love.

[1:05:56] Maybe those three dots

[1:05:57] were my love.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:59] Squarespace.

[1:06:00] It's a good place

[1:06:01] to make a website.

[1:06:01] So go do it.

[1:06:02] You should.

[1:06:03] Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:04] What's our promo code?

[1:06:05] Start your free trial today

[1:06:06] at squarespace.com

[1:06:08] slash flop

[1:06:09] to get 10% off

[1:06:11] your first purchase.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:12] That's a great deal

[1:06:13] and it helps support

[1:06:14] the Flophouse,

[1:06:15] your favorite podcast.

[1:06:16] Maybe not this episode,

[1:06:18] but other ones.

[1:06:19] So build it, beautiful.

[1:06:20] No, that's not

[1:06:21] the slogan anymore.

[1:06:24] Okay.

[1:06:25] We have another sponsor, too.

[1:06:28] It's a little place

[1:06:29] that I like to call

[1:06:30] Blue Apron.

[1:06:32] Blue's a great color.

[1:06:33] Some would say

[1:06:33] the warmest color.

[1:06:35] I would

[1:06:35] because I saw the movie.

[1:06:37] Yeah.

[1:06:38] And I got pretty warm

[1:06:39] after watching that movie.

[1:06:40] Oh, boy.

[1:06:42] In certain places.

[1:06:44] But let's talk about

[1:06:45] what blue means

[1:06:46] when it's applied to aprons.

[1:06:47] It means you get

[1:06:48] food in the mail.

[1:06:49] Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[1:06:50] Hold on, hold on.

[1:06:51] Wait, wait, wait.

[1:06:51] Food goes in the mouth,

Dan McCoy

[1:06:53] not the mail.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:54] You make a very good point.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:55] Like loose split pea soup

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:56] and like a manila envelope?

[1:06:58] Incorrect.

[1:06:59] No.

[1:07:00] What you get is ingredients.

[1:07:02] Now look,

[1:07:02] not all ingredients

[1:07:03] are created equal.

[1:07:04] It would be impossible.

[1:07:04] We'd be living in heaven

[1:07:05] if they were,

[1:07:06] or hell,

[1:07:06] if they were all equally bad.

[1:07:08] Right.

[1:07:09] What makes a difference

[1:07:09] is fresh,

[1:07:10] high-quality ingredients.

[1:07:11] It's important to know

[1:07:12] where your food comes from.

[1:07:13] And that's why

[1:07:13] there's Blue Apron.

[1:07:15] Look, Blue Apron,

[1:07:16] I've talked about it

[1:07:17] in the past.

[1:07:18] I've enjoyed the food

[1:07:18] from there a lot.

[1:07:19] It was very helpful

[1:07:20] when my son

[1:07:21] had just been born

[1:07:22] and we didn't have time

[1:07:23] to like go shopping

[1:07:24] for ingredients.

[1:07:24] The ingredients showed up

[1:07:25] in the mail

[1:07:26] the way that my son did,

[1:07:28] delivered by a stork.

[1:07:30] And your son had

[1:07:30] loose split pea soup.

[1:07:32] I mean,

[1:07:32] it looked like it.

[1:07:33] Certainly,

[1:07:34] just coming out

[1:07:34] of every orifice

[1:07:35] at different points.

[1:07:37] But you won't get

[1:07:38] loose split pea soup

[1:07:39] in the mail.

[1:07:39] No.

[1:07:40] You're going to get

[1:07:40] delicious meals,

[1:07:42] and here's the thing.

[1:07:43] They give you

[1:07:44] all the ingredients

[1:07:44] you need

[1:07:44] and it's pre-measured.

[1:07:46] You don't have to

[1:07:46] waste time

[1:07:47] measuring out that stuff,

[1:07:48] which is great

[1:07:49] because I know

[1:07:49] I'm always tense

[1:07:50] that I'm going to

[1:07:50] put in too much

[1:07:51] or too little

[1:07:51] and it's kind of

[1:07:52] about terrible

[1:07:52] and all the time

[1:07:53] I put into cooking

[1:07:54] is wasted.

[1:07:55] That's not going to

[1:07:56] happen with food.

[1:07:56] It's like that time

[1:07:57] when I had your paprikash

[1:07:58] and it had too much

[1:07:59] paprika in it.

[1:08:01] That's almost impossible.

[1:08:02] But yes,

[1:08:02] there was too much.

[1:08:03] I had to go to the hospital

[1:08:04] afterwards

[1:08:04] and get a paprikash

[1:08:06] to me.

[1:08:06] That's when they

[1:08:07] remove it from you.

[1:08:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:09] They had to perform

[1:08:10] some bloodletting

[1:08:11] and have some leeches

[1:08:13] suck all the paprika

[1:08:14] out of you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:14] I had to cupping

[1:08:15] and just like

[1:08:15] the Olympic swimming team,

[1:08:17] I had to get my stomach

[1:08:18] pop-ra-pumped.

[1:08:19] Now,

[1:08:19] that won't happen

[1:08:20] to you

[1:08:20] with Blue Apron.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:22] And you're wearing

[1:08:23] pop-ra-pumps

[1:08:24] on your shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:25] For less than $10 per meal,

[1:08:27] Blue Apron delivers

[1:08:29] seasonal recipes

[1:08:30] along with pre-portioned

[1:08:31] ingredients,

[1:08:31] like I'm saying.

[1:08:32] And the meals are

[1:08:33] delicious.

[1:08:34] Here's some of the stuff

[1:08:35] you can look forward to.

[1:08:36] Paprika spiced shrimp

[1:08:37] and cheddar grits

[1:08:38] with tomato and sweet corn.

[1:08:39] That sounds good.

[1:08:40] We were talking about

[1:08:40] just paprika

[1:08:41] and you want the right amount.

[1:08:42] They measure it for you.

[1:08:44] Spicy hoisin chicken stir fry

[1:08:46] with baby bok choy

[1:08:47] and sesame ginger cucumber salad.

[1:08:49] That sounds really nice.

[1:08:50] Eggplant and chickpea

[1:08:53] tagging?

[1:08:54] Tagine.

[1:08:54] What's that?

[1:08:56] I don't like that.

[1:08:57] It's a noodle-eastern dish.

[1:08:58] It's like a stew.

[1:08:59] Forget it.

[1:09:00] Skip that one.

[1:09:00] Don't order that one.

[1:09:01] Summer udon noodle salad

[1:09:02] with cherry tomatoes,

[1:09:03] corn, and summer sweet pepper.

[1:09:05] That sounds really good.

[1:09:06] There's just like

[1:09:07] a ton of variety.

[1:09:08] And this is coming from Elliot

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:09] who normally

[1:09:09] does not care for vegetables

[1:09:11] unless they are

[1:09:11] crusting his chicken.

[1:09:14] Crusting?

[1:09:14] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:09:15] Where you like

[1:09:15] grind up chicken

[1:09:16] or chicken.

[1:09:17] That'd be crazy.

[1:09:18] Why would you ever do that?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:19] Rub it on chicken.

[1:09:19] Chicken crusted chicken,

[1:09:21] I call it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] Chicken fried chicken

[1:09:23] with double chicken.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:24] It's double chicken.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:25] That's the kind of

[1:09:26] imaginative, innovative

[1:09:27] recipe that Blue Apron

[1:09:29] is going to send you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:29] I feel like the only way

[1:09:30] Elliot will willingly eat

[1:09:32] vegetables is if they're

[1:09:33] stuck to a piece of chicken

[1:09:34] like the vegetable gremlin.

[1:09:35] I like vegetables a lot.

[1:09:37] It's fruit that I hate

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] and should die.

[1:09:39] Vegetables I like a lot.

[1:09:40] Look, it's flexible.

[1:09:42] You can customize your recipes

[1:09:43] based on your preferences.

[1:09:45] You can choose delivery options

[1:09:46] that fit your needs.

[1:09:47] You don't have to get it

[1:09:48] every week.

[1:09:49] Just get deliveries

[1:09:49] when you want them.

[1:09:50] The meals come with

[1:09:51] step-by-step instructions.

[1:09:53] You can prepare them

[1:09:53] in 40 minutes or less.

[1:09:55] 40 minutes?

[1:09:56] Come on.

[1:09:56] That's not a crazy amount

[1:09:57] of time to cook something.

[1:09:59] Check out this week's menu

[1:10:00] and you can get your

[1:10:01] first three meals free

[1:10:03] with free shipping

[1:10:04] by going to

[1:10:05] blueapron.com

[1:10:07] slash flophouse.

[1:10:08] That's blueapron.com

[1:10:10] slash flophouse

[1:10:11] for first three meals free.

[1:10:13] Three for free.

[1:10:14] They didn't write that.

[1:10:15] I just made that up

[1:10:16] and it's a great slogan.

[1:10:18] You're going to love it.

[1:10:19] Just go to blueapron.com

[1:10:20] slash flophouse.

[1:10:21] Blue apron.

[1:10:23] A better way to cook.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:24] Get on that train.

[1:10:25] First stop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:27] Delicious.

[1:10:27] Okay, here's another problem

[1:10:28] I have a Christian man going.

[1:10:30] Paul is trying to get

[1:10:31] out of a conversation

[1:10:32] and they're eating hot dogs

[1:10:33] and he points it and goes,

[1:10:34] uh-uh-uh.

[1:10:35] Next stop,

[1:10:36] the delicious train.

[1:10:37] What kind of train is this, dude?

[1:10:39] The train takes you to the stop.

[1:10:41] It's probably shaped

[1:10:42] like a hot dog, Elliot.

[1:10:43] Unless what it's taking you to

[1:10:45] is a decommissioned train

[1:10:47] which is now used

[1:10:49] as kind of an art piece

[1:10:50] at a station called

[1:10:51] Delicious Train,

[1:10:53] named after this defunct train.

[1:10:55] And you're on, say,

[1:10:57] the Mideast Corridor,

[1:10:58] Northeastern Express

[1:10:59] or something,

[1:11:00] or the Super Chief,

[1:11:01] heading to that station.

[1:11:03] How could the next stop

[1:11:04] be the delicious train?

[1:11:05] Are you taking a train

[1:11:05] to get on another train?

[1:11:07] That's crazy.

[1:11:08] That's like something

[1:11:08] a rich person

[1:11:09] in an Ayn Rand novel would do.

[1:11:11] Yeah.

[1:11:12] Come on.

[1:11:13] He'd say,

[1:11:13] next stop,

[1:11:14] delicious town.

[1:11:15] Deliciousville.

[1:11:16] Deliciousville.

[1:11:17] Deliciousburg.

[1:11:19] Deliciousburg.

[1:11:20] That's crazy.

[1:11:20] Deliciousvania.

[1:11:22] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:22] Taste place.

[1:11:24] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:25] Like, those are stop names.

[1:11:27] Yeah.

[1:11:27] Next stop,

[1:11:28] delicious train.

[1:11:29] Corbin Bernson,

[1:11:29] what were you thinking

[1:11:30] when you wrote

[1:11:30] that line of dialogue?

[1:11:32] Or was it ad-libbed on set?

[1:11:33] I believe that.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:34] Yeah.

[1:11:34] Yeah, well,

[1:11:36] we'll never know

[1:11:36] unless we kidnap the actor

[1:11:39] who played that part

[1:11:40] and torture him

[1:11:41] until he tells us.

[1:11:43] Or if Corbin Bernson's listening,

[1:11:44] just send it to us.

[1:11:45] Yeah, yeah, just write in.

[1:11:46] Or if we kidnap the actor

[1:11:48] and tie him to a chair

[1:11:50] and burn him with cigars

[1:11:52] until he tells us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:53] So if Corbin Bernson

[1:11:54] and you're listening,

[1:11:55] just write in to,

[1:11:56] I don't know,

[1:11:57] flophouse.email.edu.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:00] Slash gov.

[1:12:01] And if you're that actor,

[1:12:02] plus a million.

[1:12:03] Keep an eye out.

[1:12:05] Just keep looking

[1:12:06] over your shoulder.

[1:12:07] Hey, Dan,

[1:12:07] hold that.

[1:12:07] Why would you warn him

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:08] if you're trying to?

[1:12:10] Because he likes the game of it.

[1:12:11] Sure, yeah, yeah.

[1:12:12] He wants the challenge.

[1:12:13] He's like,

[1:12:13] I'd like to play this

[1:12:14] on Expert Difficulty, please.

[1:12:17] Where's the pleasure in?

[1:12:18] That pulls away your HUD.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:20] Where's the pleasure

[1:12:21] and the pride

[1:12:22] in hunting a quarry

[1:12:23] who doesn't know

[1:12:23] he's being hunted?

[1:12:24] I like to give them

[1:12:25] every opportunity

[1:12:26] so that they know

[1:12:27] in the end

[1:12:27] that I am their superior.

[1:12:29] There was no chance

[1:12:30] involved in this conquest,

[1:12:32] only strategy,

[1:12:33] cunning,

[1:12:34] and pure brute strength.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:35] The only chance

[1:12:36] is Chance Boudreau,

[1:12:37] star of Hard Target.

[1:12:38] Ugh.

[1:12:39] Star?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] That's the character.

[1:12:42] Chance Boudreau

[1:12:43] who stars as

[1:12:44] Jean-Claude Van Damme

[1:12:45] in Hard Target.

[1:12:45] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:46] So Dan.

[1:12:46] By the way,

[1:12:47] I'm giving you

[1:12:47] a little sneak peek

[1:12:48] to my recommendations

[1:12:49] this week.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:50] Dan,

[1:12:51] do we have any

[1:12:51] Jumbotron messages?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:52] Yeah.

[1:12:53] Hell yeah,

[1:12:53] we do J-J-J-Jumbotron.

[1:12:55] The Tronest of Jumbos.

[1:12:56] The Jumbost of Trons.

[1:12:58] Is Elliot done

[1:12:59] or should I start this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] You can do the thing

[1:13:02] with the message.

[1:13:03] Jumbotron announcement

[1:13:04] over.

[1:13:06] No,

[1:13:06] it's starting now.

[1:13:07] I meant the announcement

[1:13:08] of the intro.

[1:13:09] Now entering the middle portion

[1:13:13] of the Jumbotron,

[1:13:14] the actual message.

[1:13:15] Message commences

[1:13:16] in three,

[1:13:20] two,

[1:13:21] one,

[1:13:21] and message commencing

[1:13:23] now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:27] This message is for Tom.

[1:13:31] This message is from

[1:13:32] Pete,

[1:13:34] Erzo,

[1:13:35] Joe,

[1:13:36] Mel,

[1:13:36] John,

[1:13:37] and Megan.

[1:13:39] Happy birthday, Tom.

[1:13:40] As you begin the adventure

[1:13:42] that is your 30s,

[1:13:43] we could think of

[1:13:44] no better way

[1:13:45] to celebrate

[1:13:45] than by supporting

[1:13:47] Stuart's drinking habit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:48] Thank you.

[1:13:50] Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

[1:13:51] yummy.

[1:13:52] Stuart does have

[1:13:53] both a hard liquor drink

[1:13:54] and a beer

[1:13:55] in front of him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:58] We could have purchased you

[1:13:59] any number of rare comics

[1:14:01] or signed monster dicks.

[1:14:04] Not even a mummy dick?

[1:14:07] Not all mummies are monsters.

[1:14:08] Wait, who would sign

[1:14:08] a mummy's dick?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:10] Probably the guy

[1:14:10] who mummified it.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:11] Oh, I guess that's it.

[1:14:12] It's all signed

[1:14:13] in Iron Levy.

[1:14:14] The Bobsy twin mystery.

[1:14:16] Who would sign

[1:14:17] a mummy's dick?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:18] Sign this mummy's dick.

[1:14:20] Look,

[1:14:21] Ellen,

[1:14:22] can you come in here?

[1:14:23] I know we hired you

[1:14:24] on spec to start

[1:14:25] writing these

[1:14:25] Bobsy twin mysteries.

[1:14:26] I don't think

[1:14:27] it's going to work out.

[1:14:28] This first one

[1:14:29] is just not

Dan McCoy

[1:14:29] what we're looking for.

[1:14:30] No, but you're never

[1:14:31] going to believe

[1:14:32] who would sign

[1:14:32] a mummy's dick

[1:14:33] at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:34] I think it's just

[1:14:34] not an appropriate mystery.

[1:14:36] Straight until the end,

[1:14:37] you'll be surprised.

[1:14:38] And this other one,

[1:14:40] What's Up Frankenstein's Butt?

[1:14:41] I'm just not going

[1:14:42] to read it.

[1:14:44] I don't even care

[1:14:44] how surprising

[1:14:45] the ending is

[1:14:46] or how many red herrings

[1:14:47] you built in.

[1:14:48] It's a trombone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:49] And your draft

[1:14:50] of the cover art

[1:14:52] is very disturbing.

[1:14:54] Not something

[1:14:55] we even hired you

[1:14:55] to do.

[1:14:55] I don't know why

[1:14:56] Frankenstein looks like me.

[1:15:02] Okay, so...

[1:15:03] Come on, news.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:04] So anyway,

[1:15:04] back to the

[1:15:05] Jumbotron message.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:06] So, rewind.

[1:15:08] We could have purchased

[1:15:09] you any number

[1:15:10] of rare comics

[1:15:11] or signed monster dicks,

[1:15:12] but now,

[1:15:14] every time you hear

[1:15:14] that crack of the can,

[1:15:17] you'll feel like

[1:15:17] part of the problem.

[1:15:19] P.S.

[1:15:20] Ski is actually a...

[1:15:23] Now, guys,

[1:15:25] I've got to admit

[1:15:26] that's where

[1:15:26] the message ends.

[1:15:29] Pete, Erzo,

[1:15:30] Joe, Mel,

[1:15:31] John, and Megan

[1:15:31] have gone over

[1:15:32] the character limit.

[1:15:33] So let's try

[1:15:34] and speculate

[1:15:34] as to what Ski

[1:15:35] is actually a...

[1:15:37] Ski is actually a...

Dan McCoy

[1:15:38] terrible thing

[1:15:41] that ruined my knee.

[1:15:42] Good point, good point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:44] Okay, that's possibly right.

[1:15:46] Yeah, that's right.

[1:15:48] I'm going to guess

[1:15:49] Ski is actually

[1:15:50] an activity

[1:15:51] you use a ball for.

[1:15:53] Oh, because it's S-K-E-E.

[1:15:55] Yep, I have a little bit

[1:15:56] of inside information

[1:15:57] that Dan doesn't have,

[1:15:59] so he looks like an idiot.

[1:16:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:01] Elliot, and you get a guess?

[1:16:02] And I know

[1:16:03] that it's spelled S-K-E-E.

[1:16:05] Yep.

[1:16:05] So I'm going to guess

[1:16:06] that it's Ski

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:07] is a rhyme for key.

[1:16:09] Perfect.

[1:16:10] Okay, so if you guys

[1:16:12] could write us in

[1:16:13] to whatever

[1:16:14] our fucking email address is,

[1:16:16] just write into that.

[1:16:16] plophouse.gov

[1:16:17] at 100.4.

[1:16:18] Uh-huh.

[1:16:19] Write in and tell us

[1:16:20] how close we were

[1:16:21] to the actual information.

[1:16:23] I hope that you

[1:16:24] had just finished

[1:16:25] the sentence

[1:16:25] and there weren't

[1:16:26] multiple sentences

[1:16:27] after that.

[1:16:28] And Tom,

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:28] welcome to your 30s.

[1:16:30] I hope that,

[1:16:31] like me,

[1:16:31] you find it is

[1:16:32] actually better

[1:16:32] than your 20s.

[1:16:33] Uh-huh.

[1:16:34] I actually enjoy

[1:16:34] my 30s much more.

[1:16:35] That's what Dan Savage

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:36] wrote that book about,

[1:16:37] right?

[1:16:37] It gets better?

[1:16:38] Elliot's 30s

[1:16:39] being better than his 20s?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:40] I mean,

[1:16:41] I felt like

[1:16:41] that was the message

[1:16:42] for me,

[1:16:42] sure,

[1:16:43] certainly.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:43] Mine were better

[1:16:44] and then they got

[1:16:45] precipitously worse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:46] Really?

[1:16:46] What happened, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:48] Oh, right.

[1:16:49] Right.

[1:16:49] Dan stares off

[1:16:50] into the middle distance

[1:16:51] waiting for

[1:16:52] a hangman's axe

[1:16:54] that's in America.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] Hangman's axe?

[1:16:57] Was it the gallows break?

[1:16:58] Is that where

[1:16:58] the hangman's

[1:16:59] using an axe?

[1:16:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:00] But I'm sure

[1:17:01] yours will be better.

[1:17:01] They're not a thing

[1:17:02] to be scared of.

[1:17:03] They're your peak years.

[1:17:07] And don't worry, Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:07] you got your 40s

[1:17:08] ahead of you, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:09] Yeah.

[1:17:10] And if anything

[1:17:10] I've learned

[1:17:11] from Judd Apatow

[1:17:11] is true,

[1:17:12] then your 40s

[1:17:12] is all about

[1:17:13] just being Paul Rudd.

[1:17:14] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:15] Yeah.

[1:17:16] I'll take that

[1:17:16] any day.

[1:17:17] Sure.

[1:17:17] Who wouldn't?

[1:17:17] Yeah.

[1:17:18] Hey, I'm Paul Rudd.

[1:17:19] I'm in my 40s,

[1:17:20] comma,

[1:17:21] possibly 50s,

[1:17:22] and I look like

[1:17:23] I was in my 20s

[1:17:24] still, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:24] Possibly 50s.

[1:17:26] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:29] Uh, wow.

[1:17:30] So we got a lot

[1:17:31] of work done.

[1:17:31] What's the next part

[1:17:32] of this fucking podcast,

[1:17:33] Danny Boy?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:34] What do you do next

[1:17:35] in this overlong

[1:17:35] bloated podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:37] The next part

[1:17:38] of this podcast

[1:17:39] is letters

[1:17:40] from listeners.

[1:17:42] Holy shit.

[1:17:43] We're just getting

[1:17:43] the letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:44] The episode's

[1:17:45] going long.

[1:17:46] Oh, fuck.

[1:17:47] Something might

[1:17:48] be going wrong.

[1:17:49] So the only way

[1:17:50] to write it

[1:17:51] is let's excite

[1:17:52] it with a song.

[1:17:55] A song for you

[1:17:56] about letters

[1:17:58] that'll make

[1:17:59] everything better.

[1:18:01] Escape from those

[1:18:03] fetters with letters.

[1:18:05] Letters.

[1:18:07] Letters.

[1:18:10] Is that a letter

[1:18:11] over the hill?

[1:18:13] I don't want to guess.

[1:18:14] I don't want to get

[1:18:15] my hopes up.

[1:18:17] So many times

[1:18:18] I've been disappointed.

[1:18:20] Thinking I see

[1:18:20] letters ahead of me

[1:18:22] and nothing's there.

[1:18:24] No one writes

[1:18:25] to me in this

[1:18:26] cabin in the woods.

[1:18:27] My name is

[1:18:28] Henry David Thoreau.

[1:18:31] Don't you know?

[1:18:33] Hamilton.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:34] Anyway, continue, Dan.

[1:18:35] Stuart literally

[1:18:36] started texting

[1:18:36] and then all that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:37] No, I just got

[1:18:38] a message from

[1:18:39] Jesse Thorne,

[1:18:40] our podcast

[1:18:42] impresario,

[1:18:43] who I invited

[1:18:44] to be a guest

[1:18:45] on tonight's episode.

[1:18:46] But he's too busy

[1:18:47] in his words

[1:18:48] boaking,

[1:18:50] which I think

[1:18:50] he means bowling,

[1:18:52] with the creator

[1:18:53] of Hamilton.

[1:18:54] Oh, and he didn't

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:55] hear, well,

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:56] when the creator

[1:18:56] of Hamilton

[1:18:57] hears my song,

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:58] he'll appreciate it.

[1:18:58] Sure.

[1:18:59] So, I assumed

[1:19:01] that you were

[1:19:01] texting your uncle

[1:19:02] to tell him,

[1:19:03] you know that new

[1:19:04] sound you've been

[1:19:04] looking for?

[1:19:05] Yep.

[1:19:06] Well, listen to his text.

[1:19:08] It's your cousin.

[1:19:09] It's your cousin.

[1:19:11] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:12] Marvin.

[1:19:13] Hey, it's your cousin,

[1:19:14] Stuart Spector.

[1:19:16] Yeah.

[1:19:16] You're still in jail?

[1:19:17] Well, that sound

[1:19:18] you were looking for

[1:19:19] when you get out

[1:19:19] of jail for murder?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:22] So, this first letter

[1:19:24] is from Jake,

[1:19:24] last name withheld.

[1:19:25] Gyllenhaal.

[1:19:26] I recently started

[1:19:27] re-listening to the

[1:19:28] old episodes

[1:19:28] and just finished

[1:19:29] enjoying episode 27,

[1:19:30] 27 Dresses.

[1:19:32] The rare romantic

[1:19:33] comedy in your catalog,

[1:19:35] the three of you

[1:19:35] managed to...

[1:19:36] Except for Christian Mingle.

[1:19:37] Yeah.

[1:19:37] The three of you

[1:19:38] managed to touch

[1:19:38] on various topics

[1:19:39] related to female

[1:19:40] empowerment,

[1:19:41] such as

[1:19:42] Katherine Heigl's

[1:19:43] boobs,

[1:19:44] Anne Hathaway's boobs,

[1:19:45] how hot

[1:19:46] Malin Ackerman is

[1:19:47] relative to

[1:19:48] Katherine Heigl,

[1:19:48] how puffy

[1:19:49] Katherine Heigl's

[1:19:50] face is,

[1:19:51] and how Stuart's

[1:19:52] mustache is not

[1:19:53] quite Sam Elliott

[1:19:54] caliber,

[1:19:54] but is at least

[1:19:55] Brolin quality.

[1:19:56] This all culminates

[1:19:57] with one of the more...

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:58] I will say,

[1:19:58] it is unfair

[1:19:59] to judge something

[1:20:01] on characteristics

[1:20:05] it never boasted of

[1:20:07] in the first place.

[1:20:09] It is nowhere

[1:20:10] in our mission statement

[1:20:11] to do anything

Dan McCoy

[1:20:11] but be idiots.

[1:20:13] This all culminates

[1:20:14] with one of the more

[1:20:15] chilling moments

[1:20:16] in Flophouse history,

[1:20:17] Dan menacingly

[1:20:18] threatening to

[1:20:19] Annaly Rafe Stewart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:22] I gotta listen

[1:20:23] to this episode,

[1:20:23] I don't remember

Dan McCoy

[1:20:24] any of this.

[1:20:26] It was a different time.

[1:20:27] So,

[1:20:27] I guess my question is,

[1:20:29] given you guys

[1:20:29] haven't picked

[1:20:30] the chick flip

[1:20:31] mantle up since,

[1:20:32] what are some examples

[1:20:33] of the genre

[1:20:33] that you all

[1:20:34] actually enjoy?

[1:20:35] I thought we

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:35] watched Little Bit of Heaven.

[1:20:37] Yeah.

[1:20:37] That's a different

[1:20:38] kind of chick flick.

[1:20:40] That's like

[1:20:40] a Steel Magnolias

[1:20:42] type thing, right?

[1:20:43] We watched those

[1:20:43] two Nicholas Sparks movies.

[1:20:45] Yeah,

[1:20:45] the one about the ghost

[1:20:46] and I didn't see

[1:20:47] the other one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:48] I wasn't here with that.

[1:20:48] What about that one

[1:20:49] where Zac Efron's

[1:20:50] just trying to get a piece?

[1:20:52] Oh yeah,

[1:20:52] that awkward moment?

[1:20:53] I didn't watch that one.

[1:20:54] I mean,

[1:20:54] that's not a chick flick

[1:20:55] at all.

[1:20:56] That's a bro flick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:57] As is We Are Your Friends,

[1:20:58] another Zac Efron movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:01] So what was the question?

[1:21:02] What are some

[1:21:03] quote chick flicks?

[1:21:05] Not a fan of the title,

[1:21:06] but what are some...

[1:21:07] Are we talking about

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:08] like romantic comedies?

[1:21:09] Because a little while ago

[1:21:11] I recommended

[1:21:11] Man Up

[1:21:12] with Simon Pegg

[1:21:17] and what's her name?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:20] I like that one.

[1:21:21] I recommend

[1:21:21] Sleeping With Other People

[1:21:23] shortly thereafter.

[1:21:24] That was a fun one

[1:21:25] with Alison Brie

[1:21:25] and Jason Sudeikis.

[1:21:28] I have to admit

[1:21:29] I have a fondness

[1:21:32] for the...

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:33] Dan loves

[1:21:35] Love Actually.

[1:21:36] No.

[1:21:37] Specifically that one storyline

[1:21:38] where the one creepy guy

[1:21:40] uses the fucking placards

[1:21:41] to express

[1:21:42] that he's being

[1:21:43] a dicky,

[1:21:44] shitty friend.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:45] That's a movie

[1:21:45] that's very entertaining

[1:21:46] and very terrible

[1:21:47] at the same time.

[1:21:48] Yep.

[1:21:49] It's not a good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:50] But what about

[1:21:50] when Hugh Grant,

[1:21:51] the boss of that girl,

[1:21:53] makes his moves

[1:21:53] on that girl

[1:21:54] that is his employee?

[1:21:55] That's really cool.

[1:21:56] I gotta admit

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:57] I've never seen Love Actually.

[1:21:58] Are you kidding me?

[1:21:59] It's great.

[1:21:59] I've never seen it.

[1:22:00] Maybe someday.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:02] Four Weddings and a Funeral

[1:22:03] in Notting Hill

[1:22:03] are okay though

[1:22:04] if you're gonna go

[1:22:04] with Richard Burris movies.

[1:22:05] I mean,

[1:22:05] a while ago

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:05] I recommended

[1:22:06] Middle of Nowhere

[1:22:07] which is a movie

[1:22:08] about a woman.

[1:22:09] It's not a comedy.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:11] I mean,

[1:22:11] the best romantic comedies

[1:22:13] are like old movies

[1:22:14] I feel like.

[1:22:16] Like how old?

[1:22:17] Like,

[1:22:17] I don't know.

[1:22:18] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:22:18] like Hard Bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:20] You know,

[1:22:21] like Hollywood Hot Tubs.

[1:22:23] Preston Sturge's era.

[1:22:25] Yeah,

[1:22:25] Weird Science.

[1:22:26] Yeah,

[1:22:26] I guess so.

[1:22:27] I mean,

[1:22:27] I wouldn't call those

[1:22:28] romantic comedies necessarily.

[1:22:29] You're getting into

[1:22:30] screwball territory

[1:22:31] which is a comedy

[1:22:31] that has romance in it

[1:22:34] but the romance

[1:22:34] is not of

[1:22:35] the wooing type

[1:22:37] through

[1:22:38] delicacy and grace

[1:22:39] or even

[1:22:40] two people

[1:22:41] communicating on the

[1:22:42] same level.

[1:22:43] It's wooing through

[1:22:44] violent disagreement

[1:22:46] and discord

[1:22:46] that is a representation

[1:22:47] of suppressed

[1:22:48] sexual drives.

[1:22:51] I guess,

[1:22:51] yeah,

[1:22:51] short romance.

[1:22:55] So what's,

[1:22:56] I don't know.

[1:22:57] I mean,

[1:22:57] I don't,

[1:22:57] at this point.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:59] I mean,

[1:22:59] the best romantic comedy

[1:23:00] in my mind

[1:23:01] is His Girl Friday

[1:23:01] and that's a guy

[1:23:02] browbeating a woman

[1:23:04] and the woman

[1:23:06] that he found at him

[1:23:08] for the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:08] It's a chilling tale

[1:23:09] of a woman

[1:23:09] who has escaped

[1:23:10] an overbearing

[1:23:11] and possessive boss

[1:23:12] who she was also

[1:23:13] married to

[1:23:14] and then being drawn

[1:23:15] back into his clutches

[1:23:16] at the end.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:17] She is equally brassy

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:19] in that movie.

[1:23:20] But by the end of it,

[1:23:21] it is clear that

[1:23:21] he plays the tune

[1:23:22] and she just dances to it.

[1:23:24] Okay.

[1:23:24] When she's like,

[1:23:25] we'll have a honeymoon,

[1:23:26] right?

[1:23:26] And he's like,

[1:23:26] sure,

[1:23:26] sure.

[1:23:27] Anyway,

[1:23:27] there's a big story.

[1:23:28] We're going to go

[1:23:28] cover that.

[1:23:29] Okay,

[1:23:29] yeah,

[1:23:29] and then we'll have

[1:23:29] a honeymoon.

[1:23:30] Yeah,

[1:23:30] sure,

[1:23:30] sure.

[1:23:31] Chilling.

[1:23:32] They are not equals.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:34] Sad.

[1:23:35] Wow,

[1:23:35] you're like Donald Trump's

[1:23:37] Twitter feed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:39] That's a movie I like,

[1:23:40] too.

[1:23:40] I just wouldn't call it

[1:23:41] a romance.

[1:23:42] Okay,

[1:23:43] so I think we answered

[1:23:44] that question.

[1:23:45] So,

[1:23:45] that's one of those,

[1:23:46] it's one of those things

[1:23:47] where I feel like

[1:23:47] I can't think of one

[1:23:49] off the top of my head

[1:23:49] even though I know

[1:23:50] I've seen a bunch,

[1:23:52] but there's something

[1:23:53] about most romantic comedies

[1:23:54] that,

[1:23:55] and I don't know

[1:23:56] if this is me

[1:23:56] being a misogynist,

[1:23:58] just doesn't,

[1:23:59] it doesn't press the buttons

[1:24:00] that for me equal

[1:24:01] a movie that I'm enjoying

[1:24:02] watching at the moment.

[1:24:03] What would a chick

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:04] would like,

[1:24:05] does chick flick

[1:24:05] only mean romantic comedy

[1:24:07] or are we talking about

[1:24:08] something like Dirty Dancing,

[1:24:09] a movie that I have

[1:24:10] recommended on this podcast?

[1:24:11] Or even like

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:12] A League of Their Own,

[1:24:13] which is a movie about women,

[1:24:14] which is great.

[1:24:15] Or like,

[1:24:16] I just finished watching

[1:24:17] the other day

[1:24:17] Daughters of the Dust,

[1:24:19] which is not entirely

[1:24:20] about women,

[1:24:20] but it's very much

[1:24:21] from a female point of view

[1:24:22] and is really good,

[1:24:25] but like,

[1:24:25] it's not a romance,

[1:24:27] or it's not a romantic comedy,

[1:24:28] there's romantic elements,

[1:24:29] and I wouldn't call it

[1:24:30] a chick flick,

[1:24:31] like,

[1:24:31] I don't know.

[1:24:32] It's a,

[1:24:33] I don't know what the,

[1:24:34] I don't know what the parameters

[1:24:35] of that genre are,

[1:24:36] so it's hard for me to think

[1:24:37] of what I've seen that fits me.

[1:24:38] Yeah,

[1:24:38] you need to understand

[1:24:39] the edges of the sandbox

[1:24:40] you're playing in.

[1:24:41] So I guess I'm gonna have to say,

[1:24:42] like,

[1:24:42] Tank Girl?

[1:24:44] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:45] That's not even a good movie.

[1:24:49] And for,

[1:24:49] The Craft.

[1:24:50] The Craft.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:52] And for all the sexist stuff

[1:24:53] you listed up front,

[1:24:55] I'm sorry,

[1:24:55] we used to be

[1:24:56] bigger knuckleheads

[1:24:57] even than we are today.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:59] I guess so.

[1:25:00] I mean,

[1:25:00] it's like,

[1:25:01] I don't know

[1:25:02] what the,

[1:25:03] there's no,

[1:25:04] there's no excuse for it.

[1:25:05] I would have to see

[1:25:05] the context of the remarks,

[1:25:06] sir.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:08] Yeah,

[1:25:08] let's get a transcript

[1:25:09] and pour over it afterwards.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:11] And also,

[1:25:11] we did start doing this,

[1:25:12] just being for myself,

[1:25:13] when I was in my

[1:25:14] early to mid-twenties.

[1:25:16] So,

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:17] I didn't,

[1:25:18] I didn't even know what,

[1:25:19] I'd never even talked

[1:25:20] to a girl before.

[1:25:21] It was all the sublimated

[1:25:22] anger of a nerd

[1:25:23] who wasn't,

[1:25:24] who could,

[1:25:25] who were women

[1:25:25] couldn't see

[1:25:26] why he was a great guy

[1:25:27] they should date

[1:25:28] even though

[1:25:28] he never talked to them

[1:25:30] and just kind of

[1:25:30] looked at them

[1:25:31] in a creepy way

[1:25:31] hoping they would

[1:25:32] start talking to him.

[1:25:33] That turned into

[1:25:34] a kind of rage

[1:25:35] that could only erupt

[1:25:36] through the venom

[1:25:38] that nowadays

[1:25:38] with Twitter

[1:25:39] would be,

[1:25:40] I guess,

[1:25:41] aimed at a Ghostbuster.

[1:25:43] But at the time

[1:25:44] I had no outlet

[1:25:45] other than

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:45] Katherine Heigl.

[1:25:46] Most of my interactions

[1:25:47] with women

[1:25:48] were female characters

[1:25:49] in JRPGs

[1:25:50] that I watched

[1:25:50] my friend play.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:55] This next letter

[1:25:57] is from

[1:25:57] Tom,

[1:25:58] last name withheld.

[1:25:59] Hardy.

[1:26:00] Oh,

[1:26:00] oh,

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:01] I like dogs,

[1:26:03] what do you think of them?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:04] I think they're great.

[1:26:05] It's interesting,

[1:26:06] I mean,

[1:26:06] I'm a huge fan of his

[1:26:07] so anything he reaches out

[1:26:08] and talks about

[1:26:09] is interesting.

[1:26:09] The email said,

[1:26:11] if Elliot said

[1:26:11] Selick,

[1:26:12] give him a point.

[1:26:14] Oh,

[1:26:14] so close.

[1:26:15] Oh,

[1:26:15] wow,

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:15] you're working

[1:26:16] at a deficit already.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:17] When my parents

[1:26:17] asked my brother Jeff

[1:26:19] what they should name me,

[1:26:20] he said,

[1:26:20] Magnum,

[1:26:21] as in P.I.,

[1:26:22] not the condom.

[1:26:23] They don't know that.

[1:26:24] But to the point,

[1:26:25] or the ice cream.

[1:26:26] Floppers,

[1:26:26] for the past three months

[1:26:27] I've inadvertently

[1:26:28] been listening to all

[1:26:29] of my podcasts

[1:26:29] at 1.4 speed

[1:26:31] and never noticed

[1:26:31] over the 90 plus episodes

[1:26:35] I've listened to.

[1:26:37] In fact,

[1:26:37] I may never have known

[1:26:39] of this unless my wife

[1:26:40] asked why the hell

[1:26:41] it was playing so fast

[1:26:43] the first time

[1:26:43] she heard an episode.

[1:26:45] For all these months

[1:26:46] of listening,

[1:26:46] I never understood

[1:26:47] why people talk about

[1:26:48] how depressed Dan sounds.

[1:26:49] Now I do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:50] He sounded as chipper

[1:26:51] as a micromachines guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:53] Dan,

[1:26:53] please talk 40% faster

[1:26:55] at all times.

[1:26:55] You were so much funnier

[1:26:56] at that speed.

[1:26:57] Wait,

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:57] wait,

[1:26:58] Dan can barely speak

[1:26:59] coherent words

[1:27:00] at this speed.

[1:27:01] Dan was so much funnier

[1:27:02] at that speed,

[1:27:03] Elliot made my eyes

[1:27:04] start to bleed

[1:27:05] from the corners.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:07] Well,

[1:27:08] read on.

[1:27:10] Read on,

[1:27:11] McDuff.

[1:27:11] Even though it's only

[1:27:12] 40% faster,

[1:27:12] you sound 80% less depressing,

[1:27:14] it's a great value.

[1:27:15] Elliot,

[1:27:16] your voice is not annoying

[1:27:17] at all at normal speed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:19] That's not true.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:20] I suggest you talk

[1:27:20] 40% faster

[1:27:21] from time to time

[1:27:22] just so people realize

[1:27:23] how much worse

[1:27:24] it could be.

[1:27:25] Stuart,

[1:27:26] your voice exists

[1:27:27] out of time

[1:27:28] and sounds remarkably unchanged

[1:27:29] regardless of speed.

[1:27:30] Yeah.

[1:27:31] Flop on and flop hard.

[1:27:33] Tom.

[1:27:34] So,

[1:27:35] uh,

[1:27:35] I guess I'm sorry

[1:27:37] for talking

[1:27:38] slower than I should be.

[1:27:40] Hey,

[1:27:41] you don't owe him

[1:27:41] a damn thing.

[1:27:43] Yeah.

[1:27:44] But you could

[1:27:45] pep it up a little.

[1:27:46] Let's see a smile.

[1:27:46] That's the moral

[1:27:47] of like the whole

[1:27:47] letter segment.

[1:27:49] We don't owe you people

[1:27:50] a damn thing.

[1:27:51] Wow.

[1:27:51] So Dan,

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:52] like give us a smile

[1:27:53] every once in a while.

[1:27:53] Come on,

[1:27:53] pretty pretty.

[1:27:54] Give me a smile.

[1:27:55] Come on, honey.

[1:27:56] Looking good.

[1:27:58] Smile, baby.

[1:27:58] I don't like this at all.

[1:27:59] Hey, come on.

[1:28:00] Light up the world.

[1:28:01] Just smile.

[1:28:01] Even as a joke,

[1:28:02] I don't care for this.

[1:28:03] I'm giving you a taste

[1:28:04] of what it's like, Dan.

[1:28:05] Yeah.

[1:28:06] Hashtag,

[1:28:06] check yourself.

[1:28:07] Hashtag woke.

[1:28:09] Yeah.

[1:28:10] Herman woke,

[1:28:11] author of

[1:28:11] The Winds of War

[1:28:12] and War and Remembrance

[1:28:14] and Marjorie Morningstar

[1:28:15] and The Kane Mutiny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:17] Marjorie Morningstar

[1:28:18] sounds like

[1:28:18] an awesome paladin.

[1:28:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:22] A nun turned paladin.

[1:28:23] Yeah.

[1:28:24] Herman Welk is one of those authors,

[1:28:26] and maybe this is just my experience,

[1:28:27] where your dad has a lot of books by him,

[1:28:29] so you're like,

[1:28:29] he must be a great author.

[1:28:30] Yeah.

[1:28:30] And he's very readable.

[1:28:31] And when you're older,

[1:28:32] you're like,

[1:28:32] he's a very good author.

[1:28:34] He's not a great author.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:35] Sure.

[1:28:36] Okay.

[1:28:36] Well,

[1:28:36] this has been

[1:28:37] the Flophouse Literary Corner.

[1:28:38] Can we have

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:39] the Literary Corner theme?

[1:28:41] There's only,

[1:28:41] uh,

[1:28:42] hey everybody,

[1:28:43] let's look at some books,

[1:28:45] book at some looks,

[1:28:46] rook with some gooks,

[1:28:47] let's have some books

[1:28:48] for looks and nooks.

[1:28:51] Here we go,

[1:28:52] get your hooks

[1:28:52] on some books.

[1:28:54] Flophouse Literary Corner.

[1:28:56] Because usually

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:57] your dad's bookshelf

[1:28:58] is filled with

[1:28:59] only great authors

[1:29:00] like Ludlums,

[1:29:01] your Bernard Cornwells,

[1:29:03] or in the case of my dad,

[1:29:05] a hastily hidden

[1:29:07] DVD copy

[1:29:08] of Dancing at the Blue Iguana

[1:29:09] with Daryl Hannah.

[1:29:12] Where I'm like,

[1:29:13] this isn't even porn, dad.

[1:29:14] What's going on?

[1:29:15] It's like this weird

[1:29:16] extended improv exercise

[1:29:17] set in a strip club.

[1:29:19] That's what I'm into, son.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:22] This one goes like this.

[1:29:23] Who wrote Pillars of the Earth?

[1:29:26] I don't remember.

[1:29:27] That's one of my dad's favorites.

[1:29:29] Anyway.

[1:29:30] This is from Irvin,

[1:29:31] last name with Held,

[1:29:31] who writes,

[1:29:33] I was recently in NYC

[1:29:34] for the Del Close Marathon

[1:29:35] and to visit Hinterlands.

[1:29:38] Never heard of it.

[1:29:39] I found myself

[1:29:39] on two occasions

[1:29:40] in the same room

[1:29:41] with performers

[1:29:41] I admire and celebrate.

[1:29:43] Let's just call them

[1:29:44] celebrities for short.

[1:29:46] The first time

[1:29:47] I was at the performers party

[1:29:48] at the Del Close Marathon.

[1:29:49] I saw the likes of

[1:29:50] Jason Matsoukas,

[1:29:51] Lauren Lapkus,

[1:29:52] Mary Holland,

[1:29:53] and Chris Gethard.

[1:29:54] People wouldn't stop

[1:29:55] going up to them

[1:29:55] to praise their work.

[1:29:56] The celebrities

[1:29:57] were generous with their time,

[1:29:58] even when it looked like

[1:29:59] they were just trying

[1:30:00] to go to the bathroom.

[1:30:01] I decided to leave

[1:30:02] the celebrities alone.

[1:30:03] I'm just some tubby

[1:30:04] middle-aged weirdo

[1:30:04] they don't know.

[1:30:05] Why bother them?

[1:30:07] The second time

[1:30:08] was in Hinterlands.

[1:30:09] Stuart and Dan

[1:30:10] were at the bar.

[1:30:11] As I walked up,

[1:30:12] Stuart said to Dan,

[1:30:13] Dude,

[1:30:14] do you want some coffee

[1:30:15] or something?

[1:30:17] That's a pretty good impression.

[1:30:18] Seems like Dan got shit-faced

[1:30:20] on a Sunday afternoon

[1:30:21] and Stuart was looking

[1:30:22] after his buddy.

[1:30:23] Shit-faced

[1:30:24] on a Sunday afternoon.

[1:30:26] I determined right then

[1:30:28] that it wasn't a good time

[1:30:34] to introduce myself.

[1:30:35] I ordered a drink

[1:30:36] and sat on the patio.

[1:30:38] What do you do

[1:30:38] when you encounter

[1:30:39] in the wild

[1:30:39] a person whose creative work

[1:30:40] you appreciate so much

[1:30:41] that you regard them

[1:30:42] as a celebrity?

[1:30:43] My normal approach

[1:30:44] is to leave

[1:30:45] that person alone

[1:30:46] but I have an odd

[1:30:47] sense of regret

[1:30:47] for not introducing myself.

[1:30:49] Thanks for the flopping peaches.

[1:30:50] Irvin,

[1:30:50] last name was held.

[1:30:51] Now let's go back

[1:30:53] for a moment

[1:30:53] and just clarify

[1:30:54] that I remember this time

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:57] Promises

[1:30:58] of what I mean to you

Dan McCoy

[1:31:02] giving me coffee.

[1:31:03] I don't drink coffee

[1:31:04] ever as either

[1:31:06] a hangover cure

[1:31:07] or an attempt

[1:31:08] to sober up

[1:31:09] because it's not

[1:31:10] effective for either.

[1:31:12] Okay.

[1:31:13] I was just really tired.

[1:31:15] I was not drunk

[1:31:16] on a Sunday afternoon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:17] Doesn't matter.

[1:31:18] I mean you can be.

[1:31:18] You can be as drunk

Dan McCoy

[1:31:19] as you want.

[1:31:19] I'm just saying

[1:31:20] that this guy

[1:31:21] should have just

[1:31:21] come up and said hi.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:22] Look,

[1:31:22] Sunday morning coming down.

[1:31:23] The beer you had

[1:31:24] for breakfast

[1:31:24] was so good

[1:31:25] you had another

[1:31:25] for dessert.

[1:31:26] Alright.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:28] I've said this

[1:31:29] a bunch of times

[1:31:30] on the podcast

[1:31:30] and I think it's

[1:31:31] I mean it might be

[1:31:32] a little self-serving

[1:31:33] but if you are

[1:31:35] ever around me

[1:31:36] and are wondering

[1:31:36] if it would be weird

[1:31:38] or anything

[1:31:38] for you to introduce yourself

[1:31:40] I would personally

[1:31:41] love it for you

[1:31:42] to introduce yourself

[1:31:42] so don't think

[1:31:43] it's weird on my account.

[1:31:45] I think it's great.

[1:31:45] I like talking to people

[1:31:46] that's awesome.

[1:31:49] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:50] Yeah,

[1:31:51] I don't want this person

[1:31:52] to feel like they missed

[1:31:52] an opportunity but.

[1:31:54] I mean we probably

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:54] would just talk about

[1:31:55] boring bullshit anyway

[1:31:56] so you probably

[1:31:57] won out on that one.

[1:31:59] Same goes for me.

[1:32:00] Look,

[1:32:01] I.

[1:32:01] If you can find

[1:32:02] a rare Elliot sighting

[1:32:03] in the wild

[1:32:04] that's like

[1:32:04] that's like catching

[1:32:05] a fucking Mewtwo

[1:32:06] out there man.

[1:32:07] Yeah, yeah.

[1:32:07] Like they are rare as shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:08] You've just seen

[1:32:09] a slow Loras

[1:32:10] out on a tree somewhere.

[1:32:12] That's

[1:32:12] he's usually hiding

[1:32:13] inside of a hole.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:14] Yep.

[1:32:15] So get him talking.

[1:32:16] Don't be antagonistic

[1:32:18] toward an Elliot.

[1:32:18] Don't be like

[1:32:19] do you even like

[1:32:21] Abraham Lincoln?

[1:32:22] Because that's just

[1:32:22] you trying too hard man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:24] Step off.

[1:32:24] I'm leaving.

[1:32:25] Yeah.

[1:32:26] But I was at the

[1:32:28] I forget if

[1:32:28] maybe it was Father's Day

[1:32:30] I was at the Turtleback Zoo

[1:32:31] in New Jersey

[1:32:32] my hometown zoo

[1:32:33] and which they have

[1:32:35] refurbished and made

[1:32:35] much nicer than it was

[1:32:37] when I grew up there

[1:32:37] and at the zoo

[1:32:39] and I was there

[1:32:40] with my dad

[1:32:41] and with my family

[1:32:42] and a guy came up

[1:32:43] and was like

[1:32:43] are you Elliot Kalen

[1:32:44] from the Flophouse?

[1:32:45] Da da da da da

[1:32:45] and he was very nice

[1:32:47] and it was just

[1:32:48] a very brief encounter

[1:32:49] you know

[1:32:49] we talked a little bit

[1:32:50] about the podcast

[1:32:51] and my dad

[1:32:52] that was months ago

[1:32:53] my dad still brings it up

[1:32:55] all the time.

[1:32:56] He could not have been

[1:32:57] more pleased and delighted

[1:32:58] to have seen me

[1:33:00] like noticed

[1:33:00] like a celebrity

[1:33:01] and have somebody

[1:33:02] be interested in talking to me

[1:33:03] so like

[1:33:04] if you ever see me

[1:33:05] even when I'm with my family

[1:33:07] come on up and say hello.

[1:33:08] Like if I'm with my dad

[1:33:09] my in-laws

[1:33:10] impresses the hell out of them.

[1:33:11] Just come on up

[1:33:12] and pretend I'm important.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:13] Yeah for some reason

[1:33:14] you're using a magnifying glass

[1:33:15] just looking around

[1:33:16] in the street

[1:33:16] and you're like

[1:33:17] oh there's an Elliot Kalen

[1:33:18] down there.

[1:33:18] Hey what are you doing?

[1:33:19] I love that.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:21] As for actual celebrities though

[1:33:23] I feel like

[1:33:24] part of it is

[1:33:26] there's a scale

[1:33:27] like we are

[1:33:28] not actually famous

[1:33:29] so we are delighted.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:31] We're not even

[1:33:31] almost famous.

[1:33:32] That's a movie.

[1:33:34] We're not a DVD copy

[1:33:36] almost famous.

[1:33:37] Not yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:38] Better keep trying.

[1:33:39] But because of

[1:33:40] our lack of fame

[1:33:41] we're delighted

[1:33:42] when we're treated

[1:33:42] as famous.

[1:33:43] I think that

[1:33:44] probably there's a scale

[1:33:46] where minor celebrities

[1:33:48] are more keen

[1:33:49] on being noticed

[1:33:50] and interacted with

[1:33:51] than major celebrities.

[1:33:52] All the way at the top

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:52] you have the most famous person

[1:33:54] Amos

[1:33:54] who does not like

[1:33:55] to be noticed.

[1:33:56] No.

[1:33:56] That's why he disguised

[1:33:57] himself with a cookie tin.

[1:33:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:00] I feel like

[1:34:01] for the most part

[1:34:01] if you go up to somebody

[1:34:03] and introduce yourself

[1:34:06] and just say

[1:34:06] that you like their work

[1:34:07] and that's about it

[1:34:09] I think even

[1:34:11] the most famous person

[1:34:12] will be

[1:34:12] at least somewhat

[1:34:13] happy about it.

[1:34:14] If they're not happy about it

[1:34:15] they're probably

[1:34:16] going through some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:17] There are definitely

[1:34:18] people that

[1:34:19] I was too nervous

[1:34:20] to go up to

[1:34:20] and say hello to

[1:34:21] even within the past

[1:34:22] couple years

[1:34:23] and I regret it

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:23] after the fact.

[1:34:24] Doesn't Hodgman have

[1:34:25] a set of rules

[1:34:26] for interacting

[1:34:27] with celebrities

[1:34:28] where you

[1:34:28] I think it's basically

[1:34:29] what you said

Dan McCoy

[1:34:30] you go up

[1:34:31] to them

[1:34:32] say you appreciate

[1:34:33] what they do

[1:34:34] and then you

[1:34:34] leave them alone.

[1:34:35] Yeah.

[1:34:36] And I think

[1:34:37] that's a pretty good

[1:34:38] pretty good set of rules.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:40] I mean that's

[1:34:41] that's life lessons

[1:34:42] you can live by.

[1:34:43] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:44] And maybe

[1:34:45] you know

[1:34:45] if they seem interested

[1:34:47] in keeping the conversation

[1:34:48] going that's a different thing

[1:34:50] but yeah.

[1:34:50] Maybe in

[1:34:51] over a drink.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:53] Yeah.

[1:34:53] At their place.

[1:34:54] Yeah.

[1:34:55] Or in the case of Hodgman

[1:34:56] some kind of weird

[1:34:57] antagonistic relationship.

[1:34:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:59] Where he shows affection

[1:35:00] by being mean

[1:35:01] and ultimately

[1:35:02] bullying

[1:35:03] and very helpful.

[1:35:04] Yeah.

[1:35:05] That could happen.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:06] But

[1:35:08] we're running long

[1:35:10] so I think that

[1:35:10] that's the end

[1:35:11] of the letter segment.

[1:35:13] Sorry other letters.

[1:35:14] Sorry.

[1:35:15] One other letter

[1:35:16] that won't get read.

[1:35:18] That was a really good letter.

[1:35:19] Before a Shocktober episode.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:21] So what's the next part

[1:35:22] we do Danny?

Dan McCoy

[1:35:24] Don't call me that.

[1:35:25] The next part is

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:26] Okay Danzo.

[1:35:28] Dan's in in the dark.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:29] Mm-hmm.

[1:35:30] The next is

[1:35:30] recommendations

[1:35:31] of movies we actually liked.

[1:35:35] In opposition

[1:35:36] to

[1:35:37] Christian Mingle.

[1:35:38] Christian Mingle.

[1:35:38] Well can I

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:39] I'll go first

[1:35:40] just to speed it along.

[1:35:41] Mm-hmm.

[1:35:42] Christian Mingle

[1:35:43] about a woman

[1:35:44] who's desperately

[1:35:44] trying to get married

[1:35:45] reminded me of a movie

[1:35:46] that I watched recently

[1:35:47] about some women

[1:35:48] who are not so interested

[1:35:49] in getting married

[1:35:50] that was really good.

[1:35:51] It's called Mustang

[1:35:52] and it's from Turkey

[1:35:54] and it was

[1:35:55] Turkey's entry

[1:35:56] for the

[1:35:57] it was nominated

[1:35:57] for Best Foreign Language Film

[1:35:59] at the Academy Awards

[1:35:59] last year.

[1:36:00] Mm-hmm.

[1:36:00] It's about five daughters

[1:36:02] five sisters

[1:36:03] who are

[1:36:04] from the

[1:36:04] they're kind of

[1:36:06] mid-teens

[1:36:07] to the youngest daughter

[1:36:08] is probably about 12

[1:36:09] and

[1:36:10] after a day

[1:36:12] when they are

[1:36:12] seen too publicly

[1:36:14] kind of like

[1:36:14] playing on the beach

[1:36:15] with boys

[1:36:16] their

[1:36:17] very conservative

[1:36:18] uncle

[1:36:19] and grandmother

[1:36:20] who are their guardians

[1:36:21] decide

[1:36:21] they gotta get them

[1:36:23] married off quick

[1:36:23] and they're gonna

[1:36:24] lock them down

[1:36:25] in the house

[1:36:25] and not let them out

[1:36:26] until then

[1:36:27] because they're

[1:36:27] bringing too much

[1:36:28] shame on the family

[1:36:29] and it becomes

[1:36:30] almost kind of like

[1:36:31] a prison picture

[1:36:31] about these five sisters

[1:36:33] and it's alternately

[1:36:35] very funny at times

[1:36:37] and very harrowing

[1:36:38] at other times

[1:36:39] and it was just

[1:36:40] really really good.

[1:36:41] So Mustang

[1:36:42] from Turkey.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:43] I'm gonna recommend

[1:36:44] a movie

[1:36:44] that

[1:36:46] I wasn't

[1:36:48] I was maybe not

[1:36:49] in the right

[1:36:49] brain space

[1:36:51] to watch it

[1:36:52] and enjoy it

[1:36:53] as fully as I should have

[1:36:54] I was looking

[1:36:57] for something

[1:36:58] light and escapist

[1:36:59] but

[1:37:00] through

[1:37:01] circumstance

[1:37:03] I ended up

[1:37:03] watching instead

[1:37:04] The Duke of Burgundy

[1:37:06] the

[1:37:07] movie about

[1:37:09] a

[1:37:10] sort of

[1:37:11] master-slave

[1:37:12] sexual relationship

[1:37:13] that was

[1:37:14] shot in the style

[1:37:15] of

[1:37:16] old

[1:37:17] Euro-smut

[1:37:18] films from the 70s

[1:37:19] but

[1:37:20] has a little bit

[1:37:21] more on its mind

[1:37:22] it's about

[1:37:23] this lesbian

[1:37:24] relationship

[1:37:26] you

[1:37:27] first encounter

[1:37:28] these women

[1:37:29] as one of them

[1:37:30] comes as a maid

[1:37:31] to the other one's

[1:37:31] house

[1:37:32] and the

[1:37:33] mistress

[1:37:35] treats her

[1:37:37] very poorly

[1:37:37] and it's only over

[1:37:39] a period of time

[1:37:40] that you come to realize

[1:37:41] oh that they're

[1:37:42] enacting this kind of

[1:37:43] ritualized

[1:37:45] scene

[1:37:46] between the two of them

[1:37:47] that's going to end up

[1:37:49] in a sexual encounter

[1:37:50] and

[1:37:51] it's very

[1:37:53] restrained

[1:37:55] for

[1:37:55] a movie about

[1:37:57] a lesbian

[1:37:57] S&M relationship

[1:37:58] or

[1:37:59] it's about as

[1:38:00] tasteful as

[1:38:01] any movie that

[1:38:02] has the

[1:38:03] phrase

[1:38:03] human toilet

[1:38:04] in it

[1:38:05] ever

[1:38:05] could be

[1:38:06] I'm just

[1:38:08] saying it's not

[1:38:10] a movie to watch

[1:38:10] for a movie that

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:12] doesn't feature

[1:38:12] Sam Kinnison

[1:38:13] shouting

[1:38:14] and it's not a

Dan McCoy

[1:38:16] family picture

[1:38:17] it's not

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:18] it's not a

[1:38:18] you know what

[1:38:19] everyone's in the

[1:38:20] same house for

[1:38:20] Christmas again

[1:38:21] let's just pop in

[1:38:22] the Duke of Burgundy

[1:38:23] I think grandma

[1:38:24] will like that

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:25] should we watch

[1:38:25] that movie about

[1:38:26] the dogs who get

[1:38:27] all captured

[1:38:27] and the kids

[1:38:28] have to rescue

[1:38:28] the dogs

[1:38:29] from the pound

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:29] should we watch

[1:38:30] the movie where

[1:38:30] Kevin Spacey

[1:38:31] becomes a cat

[1:38:32] or should we

[1:38:32] watch this

[1:38:33] it's not a

Dan McCoy

[1:38:35] but other than

[1:38:36] like references

[1:38:37] to sex

[1:38:37] and some lingerie

[1:38:39] it's also not

[1:38:39] explicit

[1:38:40] really

[1:38:41] it's more of a

[1:38:43] movie about a

[1:38:44] relationship

[1:38:44] and showing how

[1:38:45] over time

[1:38:48] this ritualized

[1:38:50] sexual relationship

[1:38:51] is causing

[1:38:52] some strain

[1:38:54] on the relationship

[1:38:55] on the person

[1:38:56] specifically

[1:38:57] who has to be

[1:38:58] the dominant one

[1:38:59] and has to

[1:38:59] always be

[1:39:01] fulfilling

[1:39:02] the fantasies

[1:39:03] of the submissive

[1:39:04] woman

[1:39:04] and it's

[1:39:06] kind of funny

[1:39:07] in certain ways

[1:39:08] it's very

[1:39:08] beautifully shot

[1:39:09] it's kind of

[1:39:12] sad

[1:39:12] again

[1:39:13] I saw it

[1:39:15] on a day

[1:39:15] that I was

[1:39:16] looking for

[1:39:16] something a little

[1:39:17] more goofy

[1:39:18] so if you're

[1:39:19] in that mood

[1:39:20] maybe don't

[1:39:20] watch it

[1:39:20] but I'm glad

[1:39:21] I saw it

[1:39:22] because it's

[1:39:23] very well

[1:39:23] done

[1:39:24] so Duke of

[1:39:25] Burgundy

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:25] so I'm going

[1:39:28] to give you

[1:39:28] guys a little

[1:39:28] bit of a

[1:39:29] sneak peek

[1:39:29] for a

[1:39:31] recommendation

[1:39:31] this is a

[1:39:32] movie that

[1:39:32] I only

[1:39:33] watched about

[1:39:34] half of it

[1:39:34] so far

[1:39:35] but oh boy

[1:39:36] it's a

[1:39:37] hot pizza

[1:39:38] okay

[1:39:40] I'm talking

[1:39:40] about

[1:39:41] I'm talking

[1:39:46] about

[1:39:46] straight to

[1:39:48] Netflix

[1:39:48] action flick

[1:39:49] Hard Target

[1:39:50] 2 starring

[1:39:51] Scott Adkins

[1:39:53] and my girl

[1:39:53] Rona Mitra

[1:39:55] hell yeah

[1:39:57] hell yeah

[1:39:57] you hear those

[1:39:59] two names

[1:39:59] and you're

[1:39:59] like oh man

[1:40:00] this one's

[1:40:00] going to be

[1:40:00] a fucking

[1:40:01] banger

[1:40:01] better lock

[1:40:02] the doors

[1:40:03] and you're

[1:40:05] kind of right

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:06] sometimes it

[1:40:06] seems to

[1:40:06] it like you're

[1:40:07] you're extemporarily

[1:40:08] you're extemporizing

[1:40:09] an audition to

[1:40:10] replace Joe Bob

[1:40:12] Riggs

[1:40:12] yeah so uh

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:16] yeah it opens

[1:40:17] up with Scott

[1:40:18] Adkins

[1:40:18] fucking killing

[1:40:19] his friend

[1:40:19] with a sweet

[1:40:20] ass jump

[1:40:20] kick

[1:40:21] and then

[1:40:22] turns into

[1:40:23] a hard

[1:40:24] target

[1:40:24] turns into

[1:40:26] a hard

[1:40:26] target movie

[1:40:27] where he

[1:40:27] accepts a

[1:40:29] job from

[1:40:30] this creepy

[1:40:30] ass European

[1:40:31] dude

[1:40:32] for what he

[1:40:33] thinks is

[1:40:34] going to be

[1:40:34] a no hold

[1:40:35] sparred

[1:40:35] fucking

[1:40:36] battle

[1:40:37] because he's

[1:40:38] super sad

[1:40:39] about killing

[1:40:39] his friend

[1:40:39] with that

[1:40:40] aforementioned

[1:40:41] jump kick

[1:40:41] so he's

[1:40:42] been drinking

[1:40:43] a lot

[1:40:43] he's been

[1:40:45] drinking a lot

[1:40:45] and beating

[1:40:45] the shit

[1:40:46] out of dudes

[1:40:46] for money

[1:40:47] so he takes

[1:40:48] this job

[1:40:48] and it turns

[1:40:49] out uh oh

[1:40:50] he's being

[1:40:50] hunted by

[1:40:51] these other

[1:40:52] ass wipes

[1:40:53] for money

[1:40:53] because that's

[1:40:54] what hard

[1:40:54] targets are

[1:40:55] about

[1:40:55] yeah he's

[1:40:55] a hard

[1:40:55] target

[1:40:56] it's the most

[1:40:56] dangerous game

[1:40:57] and one of

[1:40:57] the uh

[1:40:57] one of the

[1:40:58] people hunting

[1:40:59] him is of

[1:40:59] course

[1:41:00] ronametra

[1:41:00] carrying a

[1:41:01] couple of

[1:41:01] fucking

[1:41:02] crossbow

[1:41:02] pistols

[1:41:03] which is

[1:41:03] fucking

[1:41:03] awesome

[1:41:04] uh

[1:41:05] and then

[1:41:06] I fell

[1:41:06] asleep

[1:41:07] because I was

[1:41:07] drinking a lot

[1:41:09] but don't

[1:41:11] worry guys

[1:41:11] I'll give

[1:41:12] you a full

[1:41:12] report next

[1:41:13] time

[1:41:14] uh and my

[1:41:15] other movie

[1:41:16] I'm gonna

[1:41:16] recommend

[1:41:17] that I

[1:41:17] watched all

[1:41:18] of is

[1:41:19] uh the

[1:41:20] nice guys

[1:41:20] the uh

[1:41:21] the latest

[1:41:22] uh

[1:41:23] Shane

[1:41:24] Black

[1:41:24] joint

[1:41:25] uh

[1:41:25] kind of a

[1:41:26] companion piece

[1:41:27] in some ways

[1:41:28] to kiss

[1:41:29] kiss bang

[1:41:29] bang

[1:41:29] uh

[1:41:30] it's a

[1:41:31] 70s

[1:41:33] noir

[1:41:33] uh

[1:41:34] comedy

[1:41:34] with some

[1:41:35] really great

[1:41:36] standout

[1:41:36] performances

[1:41:37] from ryan

[1:41:37] gosling

[1:41:38] and a

[1:41:39] surprisingly

[1:41:40] hilarious

[1:41:41] performance

[1:41:41] by russell

[1:41:42] crow

[1:41:42] you know

[1:41:43] uh

[1:41:44] font of

[1:41:44] comedy

[1:41:45] juice

[1:41:45] russell

[1:41:46] crow

[1:41:46] so

[1:41:47] you watched

[1:41:47] the whole

[1:41:48] movie

[1:41:48] I watched

[1:41:49] all of it

[1:41:49] I did not

[1:41:50] fall asleep

[1:41:50] uh

[1:41:51] once

[1:41:51] uh

[1:41:52] and I

[1:41:53] think it's

[1:41:53] great

[1:41:53] uh

[1:41:54] and

[1:41:55] you should

[1:41:56] go check

[1:41:56] it out

[1:41:57] the nice

[1:41:57] guys

[1:41:58] I watched

Dan McCoy

[1:42:00] and at least

[1:42:01] the first half

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:01] of hard target

[1:42:02] too

Dan McCoy

[1:42:02] I watched

[1:42:03] a movie

[1:42:04] called

[1:42:04] mr.

[1:42:04] nice guy

[1:42:05] the other

[1:42:05] day

[1:42:06] you know

[1:42:06] the jackie

[1:42:07] chan movie

[1:42:07] no

[1:42:08] I don't

[1:42:09] think that

[1:42:09] was it

[1:42:10] who's in

[1:42:10] it

[1:42:11] a different

[1:42:11] one

[1:42:11] you don't

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:12] think that

[1:42:12] was it

[1:42:12] so like

[1:42:13] you don't

[1:42:13] remember if

[1:42:14] jackie chan

[1:42:15] was in the

[1:42:15] movie or not

[1:42:16] biggest stars

[1:42:17] in the world

[1:42:18] let me tell you

[1:42:19] usually makes

[1:42:19] a pretty

[1:42:20] specific

[1:42:20] impression

[1:42:21] no wait

[1:42:22] it's not like

[1:42:23] it's not like

[1:42:24] you couldn't

[1:42:24] remember if

[1:42:25] it was like

[1:42:26] if

[1:42:26] which uh

[1:42:27] whether it

[1:42:28] was like

[1:42:29] um

[1:42:29] uh

[1:42:30] James

[1:42:31] agar

[1:42:32] or like

[1:42:33] or john

[1:42:33] agar

[1:42:33] like uh

[1:42:34] you know

[1:42:35] somebody

[1:42:35] or peter

[1:42:36] graves

[1:42:36] you know

[1:42:36] something like

[1:42:37] that

[1:42:37] in a movie

[1:42:37] from the

[1:42:37] 50s

Dan McCoy

[1:42:38] all right

[1:42:39] maybe I was

[1:42:40] thinking of a

[1:42:40] different movie

[1:42:40] this story

[1:42:42] didn't go

[1:42:43] anywhere

[1:42:43] you still don't

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:43] know if

[1:42:44] was in it

[1:42:44] no

[1:42:45] here's Dan

[1:42:46] I'm gonna ask

[1:42:47] you one simple

[1:42:47] question

[1:42:48] was jackie

[1:42:50] chan

[1:42:50] in the movie

Dan McCoy

[1:42:51] whatever movie

[1:42:52] I watched

[1:42:53] it did not

[1:42:53] have jackie

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:54] so it's not

[1:42:55] the mr.

[1:42:55] nice guy

Dan McCoy

[1:42:56] that steward

[1:42:56] is referring

[1:42:57] to

[1:42:57] no

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:57] let's checkmate

[1:42:59] let's not

[1:42:59] pretend we live

[1:43:00] in this

[1:43:01] world where

[1:43:02] you could

[1:43:03] have seen

[1:43:03] mr.

[1:43:04] nice guy

[1:43:05] with jackie

[1:43:05] chan

[1:43:06] it was not

[1:43:07] that movie

[1:43:08] I think we've

[1:43:08] established through

[1:43:09] this one piece

[1:43:10] of information

Dan McCoy

[1:43:11] all right

[1:43:13] Sherlock Holmes

[1:43:14] slilock fox

[1:43:15] thanks for

[1:43:16] yeah thanks

[1:43:17] for

[1:43:18] I just

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:19] wanted to

[1:43:19] take out

[1:43:20] any reasonable

[1:43:21] doubt that

[1:43:22] you had maybe

[1:43:23] watched a

[1:43:24] movie and

[1:43:24] somehow had

[1:43:25] forgotten

[1:43:26] that the

[1:43:27] very unique

[1:43:28] star jackie

[1:43:29] chan

[1:43:30] whose synthesis

[1:43:31] of martial

[1:43:32] arts virtuosity

[1:43:33] and slapstick

[1:43:34] humor is

[1:43:35] unparalleled

[1:43:37] in my mind

[1:43:38] by anyone

[1:43:39] in the world

[1:43:40] that you

[1:43:40] didn't

[1:43:41] somehow

[1:43:41] overlook

[1:43:43] his contributions

[1:43:45] to a film

[1:43:46] they were

[1:43:47] thinking

[1:43:47] who was

[1:43:48] the guy

[1:43:48] who did

[1:43:49] a really

[1:43:49] funny

[1:43:49] ladder battle

[1:43:50] with four

[1:43:52] organized crime

[1:43:53] hitmen

[1:43:54] I don't even

[1:43:54] remember

[1:43:55] there's no way

[1:43:56] of saying

[1:43:56] we're just

[1:43:58] gonna have to

[1:43:59] assume

[1:43:59] we're in

[1:44:00] some universe

[1:44:00] where it both

[1:44:01] was and

[1:44:02] was not

[1:44:03] until through

[1:44:04] observing the

[1:44:05] film we

[1:44:06] collapse those

[1:44:08] possibilities

[1:44:08] into one

[1:44:09] point in

[1:44:10] time

[1:44:11] sure

[1:44:11] all right

[1:44:14] let's just

[1:44:15] not leave the

[1:44:16] audience hanging

[1:44:16] is what I'm

[1:44:17] saying

[1:44:17] thinking that

[1:44:19] you have some

[1:44:19] sort of

[1:44:21] specific amnesia

[1:44:22] that only affects

[1:44:24] your ability to

[1:44:25] remember the

[1:44:26] presence of

[1:44:28] the king of

[1:44:31] martial arts

[1:44:32] comedies

[1:44:32] for three

[1:44:33] decades

[1:44:34] at least

[1:44:35] okay

Dan McCoy

[1:44:35] all right

[1:44:37] well thank

[1:44:38] you for that

[1:44:39] because it

[1:44:40] so I guess

[1:44:41] watch mr

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:41] price

[1:44:42] guys

[1:44:42] dan watch

[1:44:44] it tonight

[1:44:45] just to make

[1:44:45] sure it wasn't

[1:44:46] the movie you

[1:44:46] saw before

Dan McCoy

[1:44:47] take that

[1:44:48] homework

[1:44:48] assignment

[1:44:49] but we

[1:44:52] appreciate your

[1:44:53] listening

[1:44:53] a lot of

[1:44:54] great shows

[1:44:55] on the max

[1:44:55] fun network

[1:44:56] listen to other

[1:44:56] shows on the

[1:44:57] max fun network

[1:44:57] there's a ton

[1:44:58] of them

[1:44:59] a ton of

[1:45:00] them more

[1:45:00] popular than

[1:45:01] us

[1:45:01] like

[1:45:01] for good

[1:45:02] reason

[1:45:03] anything

[1:45:04] anything

[1:45:04] by the

[1:45:05] mackleroy's

[1:45:06] throwing shade

[1:45:07] judge john

[1:45:08] hodgman

[1:45:09] adam ruins

[1:45:10] everything

[1:45:10] all more

[1:45:11] popular than

[1:45:11] us

[1:45:12] throw some

[1:45:12] support to

[1:45:13] the ones

[1:45:13] that don't

[1:45:13] need it

[1:45:14] yeah go

[1:45:14] ahead

[1:45:14] yeah we

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:15] got this

[1:45:16] great show

[1:45:17] with our

[1:45:17] boys gagli

[1:45:18] already

Dan McCoy

[1:45:18] and i

[1:45:19] know ross

[1:45:19] and carrie

[1:45:20] was mentioned

[1:45:20] before

[1:45:21] what else

[1:45:23] bullseye is a

[1:45:23] great show

[1:45:24] a lot of

[1:45:25] jordan jesse go

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:26] yeah the

[1:45:28] inspiration of

[1:45:28] this podcast

[1:45:29] mhm

[1:45:30] uh

[1:45:30] dairy report

[1:45:31] mhm

Dan McCoy

[1:45:32] they're all

[1:45:33] great

[1:45:33] but

[1:45:34] beef and dairy

[1:45:34] network

[1:45:35] oh beef and

[1:45:35] dairy network

[1:45:36] sorry

[1:45:36] it's another

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:37] rival show

[1:45:38] that's all

[1:45:38] about lamb

Dan McCoy

[1:45:39] but now uh

[1:45:42] we have to

[1:45:43] say goodbye

[1:45:44] so we can

[1:45:45] rest up for

[1:45:45] shocktober

[1:45:46] oh boy

[1:45:48] because it's

[1:45:48] what a three

[1:45:49] piece

[1:45:49] shocktober

[1:45:49] it's a three

[1:45:50] episode shocktober

[1:45:51] this year

[1:45:52] so it's gonna

[1:45:53] get nasty

[1:45:54] mhm

[1:45:55] so even though

[1:45:57] you're sad that

[1:45:57] small member is

[1:45:58] gone

[1:45:59] leave it behind

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:01] it's dead now

[1:46:02] yeah

[1:46:03] just keep walking

[1:46:04] there's nothing you

[1:46:04] can do to save it

Dan McCoy

[1:46:05] yeah

[1:46:06] we got better

[1:46:07] and bigger things

[1:46:08] coming up

[1:46:09] so uh

[1:46:10] for the flop house

[1:46:11] i've been dan mccoy

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:13] i've been

[1:46:15] steward wellington

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:16] and i'm elliot

[1:46:17] calen a man who's

[1:46:18] fully aware of when

[1:46:19] he's seen jackie

[1:46:20] chan on

[1:46:21] good night

[1:46:23] everyone

[1:46:24] okay

[1:46:31] you doing all right

[1:46:32] just waking up

[1:46:33] doing some

[1:46:34] exercise

[1:46:35] what

[1:46:36] trying to get my

[1:46:37] brain

[1:46:37] right

[1:46:38] let's get your

[1:46:40] brain right

[1:46:40] i guess

[1:46:41] tell you okay

[1:46:41] well let's do

[1:46:42] some puzzle teasers

[1:46:42] to get your brain

[1:46:43] working

[1:46:43] old people do

[1:46:44] this

[1:46:44] uh-huh

[1:46:45] okay

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:45] so slylock fox

[1:46:47] and max mouse

[1:46:48] are both walking

[1:46:49] two miles an hour

[1:46:50] okay

[1:46:51] can you hold off on questions

[1:46:57] until after i'm done

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:58] okay not a question

[1:46:59] but yes

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:00] uh and they take a fork in the road

[1:47:05] yeah

[1:47:06] meanwhile max mouse has uh consumed one kilogram of cheese

[1:47:15] meanwhile like while he's eating

[1:47:17] while he's eating definitely

[1:47:20] also while he's walking

[1:47:22] how much do they weigh

[1:47:24] considering the amount of kilojoules of energy is burned off

[1:47:28] uh by the time they reach uh cincinnati

[1:47:32] so where did they start

[1:47:33] uh i'm not done i said no questions until the end

[1:47:37] uh they started in cleveland

[1:47:42] okay

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:43] just a simple trans ohio walk

[1:47:46] as we've all done

[1:47:49] uh all right

[1:47:51] are you not gonna answer

Dan McCoy

[1:47:53] uh all right

[1:47:56] they weigh

[1:47:57] a fox amount

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:59] fox amount

[1:48:01] of weight

[1:48:01] so you're saying the mouse

[1:48:04] has a negligible weight

[1:48:05] yeah

[1:48:06] it's not even countable

[1:48:07] not even recordable

[1:48:08] yeah

[1:48:09] um

[1:48:11] okay here's one

[1:48:11] let's say

[1:48:13] the crypt keeper has

[1:48:15] four wormy boners

[1:48:16] okay

[1:48:17] he gives

[1:48:17] seems like a lot

[1:48:18] half those wormy boners

[1:48:19] to stewart

[1:48:20] okay

[1:48:21] i accept them greedily

[1:48:23] stewart gives

[1:48:24] half of those wormy boners

[1:48:26] to dan

[1:48:27] okay

[1:48:28] dan

[1:48:29] then gives half of

[1:48:31] how many wormy boners

[1:48:31] do we start with

[1:48:32] dude

[1:48:32] come on

[1:48:34] or

[1:48:35] forget it

[1:48:36] never mind

[1:48:37] forget it

[1:48:38] i'm not

[1:48:40] if i can't

[1:48:40] if you're not gonna help yourself

[1:48:41] i can't help you

Dan McCoy

[1:48:42] maximumfun.org

[1:48:46] comedy and culture

[1:48:47] artist owned

[1:48:48] listener supported

S7

[1:48:49] good news everyone

[1:48:52] there are still a few tickets

[1:48:53] remaining for the

[1:48:54] london podcast festival

[1:48:56] september 22nd

[1:48:57] through 26th

[1:48:59] we've just announced

[1:49:00] a dazzling new addition

[1:49:01] to the bullseye lineup

[1:49:02] sharon horgan

[1:49:04] creator and star

[1:49:05] of the hit shows

[1:49:06] pulling and catastrophe

[1:49:08] as well as a new show

[1:49:09] divorce

[1:49:10] which launches soon

[1:49:11] on hbo

[1:49:12] comedian josey long

[1:49:14] veep creator

[1:49:15] armando ianucci

[1:49:16] and musician romare

[1:49:17] round out the bullseye lineup

[1:49:19] but the fun doesn't stop there

[1:49:21] friends

[1:49:21] international waters

[1:49:22] and judge john hodgman tickets

[1:49:24] are still available too

[1:49:25] do not sleep on this

[1:49:27] feast your eyes

[1:49:28] on the juicy full lineup

[1:49:30] and grab your tickets

[1:49:31] right now

[1:49:32] at maximumfun.org

Ep. #213 - Christian Mingle

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