Ep. #217 - Independence Day: Resurgence

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we watched Independence Day Resurgence.

[0:06] Wow.

[0:07] I'm seeing double.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:39] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:41] Hey, Dan McCoy.

[0:41] I'm Stuart Wellington.

S4

[0:44] Well, Stuart was kind of slowing down.

[0:46] No battery.

[0:48] And over here, oh, it interrupted.

[0:51] Oh, he's punching Bluto right out of here.

[1:03] No, don't punch Wimpy, too.

[1:04] Oh, he's just in a berserker rage.

[1:06] He's on the battlefield.

[1:07] Oh, Popeye's destroying them all.

[1:09] He ripped Olive Oil's head off.

[1:10] Oh, God.

[1:11] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[1:15] Before we get...

[1:16] And this is the Flophouse.

[1:17] This is the Flophouse.

S4

[1:18] What do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:19] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[1:23] Before we get started, I'd like to welcome our new president, President Sex Criminal.

[1:27] Oh, man.

[1:28] Wow.

[1:29] Right off the top.

[1:29] Right off the bat.

[1:31] This has been...

[1:31] Look, we've got to unify under President Sex Criminal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] Wow.

[1:34] We're recording this the day after the election, and I guess Dan decided that no one's going

[1:40] to have any fun anymore.

[1:41] It's a time for healing under President Sex Criminal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] He just grabbed the wheel, started jerking it down one lane.

[1:49] No.

[1:50] Yeah.

[1:50] Right into oncoming traffic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] Yeah.

[1:53] Jerking it in traffic.

[1:54] I think...

[1:55] I'd be curious to find out, actually, if the political makeup of our listeners is in any

[2:02] way varied.

[2:03] I'm willing to believe that it's probably not.

[2:06] I think all three of us here, certainly, and I'm willing to guess much of our listenership,

[2:11] if not the majority of it, sees yesterday as a victory for hate, fear, lies, sleaze, and

[2:19] the worst in the American public.

[2:23] Selfishness.

[2:23] That having been said, Daniel Kirk McCoy, there comes a certain point where one has to abide

[2:37] by the rules of the system that we have all agreed to be a part of.

[2:41] But in addition to that, find a way to oppose a leader you disagree with in a way that attracts

[2:48] or persuades others rather than turns them off.

[2:53] And that's the challenge we're going to figure out by the end of this episode.

[2:55] I don't know.

[2:56] As we talk about Independence Day researches.

[2:58] I don't know what you're talking about.

Dan McCoy

[2:58] I was being totally honest about my desire to all come together under President Sex Criminal.

[3:05] Really, it's stroking his beard.

S4

[3:08] I mean, in my stubble, because I didn't sleep well and I didn't shave this morning.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:12] Anyway, we had to get that out of the way.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Did we?

[3:15] I had to get that out of the way.

[3:16] Did we?

[3:16] This is one of, Dan sometimes likes to drop what he calls truth bombs or T-bombs on us.

[3:23] I didn't want to get off on a rant.

Stuart Wellington

[3:25] Well, he was trying to set up some really exciting improv opportunities, which clearly grasped.

Elliott Kalan

[3:29] It's similar to how he will occasionally be like, oh, by the way, this first letter is super sad,

[3:35] so don't interrupt me.

[3:36] And then he'll read a story about somebody committing suicide.

[3:39] Hilarious.

[3:40] Why are you laughing at that?

[3:41] A bit of embarrassment.

[3:43] Yeah.

[3:43] And here's the thing.

[3:45] That was a difficult night for me last night.

[3:48] It's been a night for a lot of people.

[3:49] It's going to be a difficult four years and it's going to suck pretty hard, most likely.

[3:57] We'll figure it out.

[3:58] But one thing that did help me get through the day was hearing from a number of people that

[4:02] listening to Flophouse helped them get through the day.

[4:05] And so feeling like we're doing something worthwhile here for other people, at least even just as

[4:12] a means of escape, rather than just three guys circle jerking around nonsense about Independence

[4:17] Day resurgence or some crap.

[4:20] Although the...

[4:21] Is that what we watched tonight?

[4:22] Help me out.

[4:23] I know all Dan could see was the election returns rolling over his eyes over and over again.

[4:27] He did not see the thousands of alien ships blasting each other to pieces.

Stuart Wellington

[4:33] The prospect of hanging out with you guys and just circle jerking it.

[4:38] No matter what the movie.

[4:39] Whether it was Independence Day.

[4:40] On to a biscuit.

Dan McCoy

[4:40] As people do, apparently.

[4:42] I never understood that thing.

S4

[4:44] I don't know that anyone ever really did that.

[4:45] What are you talking about?

[4:46] Actually done?

[4:47] That's like, you know those rainbow parties?

[4:49] What was that all about?

[4:50] Well, it was a made up thing that no one ever actually did.

Stuart Wellington

[4:52] Yeah, you're like, the golden snitch?

[4:54] Why would you catch it?

[4:55] It's worth all the...

[4:55] Why wouldn't you catch it?

[4:56] It's worth all the points.

[4:57] Yeah, it's exactly the same thing.

S4

[4:59] Why would you bother with any other aspect of the game?

[5:01] The golden snitch is the game.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] Yeah, it's like J.K. Rowling watched Blood of Heroes, a.k.a. Salute of the Jugger.

[5:10] And she's like, instead of a dog skull, I'm just going to make it the golden snitch.

[5:14] And instead of Rutger Hauer, I'm going to make, I don't know, Crab and Goyle or some bullshit.

S4

[5:19] Yeah, exactly that.

[5:20] That's exactly what happened.

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] Those are all syllables.

Elliott Kalan

[5:24] I recognize them as sounds.

[5:25] It might have been some language.

[5:28] Let's just say this, Dan.

[5:29] How about this?

[5:30] Maybe this will help you.

[5:31] Okay.

[5:32] What is the opposite of hate?

[5:36] Love.

[5:36] You could read the other of Robert Mitchum's Knuckles.

[5:39] But he's good.

[5:40] And let's take this thing that we do, which is ostensibly about tearing down somebody else's creative expression.

[5:49] And instead try to make it into a source of love.

[5:52] A love letter to the movies.

[5:54] A love letter to the movies.

[5:55] And a love letter just to each other, to the listeners, to anyone around.

Stuart Wellington

[6:02] Veteran actor Bill Pullman.

[6:04] Who was in this?

Dan McCoy

[6:05] I have often walked down the street before

[6:09] But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before

[6:14] Oh, because of the gravity of the giant mothership that's sucking into it.

[6:17] All at once am I

[6:19] Several stories high

[6:22] Knowing I'm on the street

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] Where you live

[6:28] So to take that song literally, he is now a giant

[6:31] Yeah

[6:31] Whose feet are no longer attached to the pavement

[6:34] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Dan McCoy

[6:35] It's a song about a horror

[6:37] It's like a body horror song

[6:39] Yes

S4

[6:39] David Kornberg's Flying Giant

[6:43] Yeah, yeah

[6:43] My Fair Flying Giant

Stuart Wellington

[6:45] Because there's nothing that makes you more uncomfortable with like the body than seeing the feet not touching the ground anymore.

S4

[6:52] The tall man would do that kind of stuff, right?

Stuart Wellington

[6:55] I mean, I think he does and he probably flies like awkwardly, like horizontally, like he's laying down.

Dan McCoy

[7:01] Oh man, he's awesome.

[7:03] So anyway, love.

[7:04] What movie did we love watching tonight, Dan?

[7:06] We watched a movie called Independence Day, colon, Resurgence.

Elliott Kalan

[7:11] Now this is, correct me if I'm wrong.

[7:13] This is the sequel to Independence Day, the hit film of 1996.

[7:17] Yeah.

[7:18] In which Will Smith welcomed an alien to Earth, then punched him in the face.

[7:21] Mm-hmm

[7:22] And Jeff Goldblum

[7:23] I think in that order, right?

[7:24] I think so.

[7:25] And Jeff Goldblum used like an Apple Power Book to take down an alien fleet.

Stuart Wellington

[7:29] Uh-huh.

[7:29] And then Randy Quaid sacrificed himself so we could all survive.

[7:33] Mm-hmm.

[7:34] Mm-hmm.

[7:34] As he did in life.

Elliott Kalan

[7:35] And Bill Pullman was the president and he got into a flight suit and got into a plane, which gave a young George W. Bush the idea to do that when he was president someday.

[7:45] Mm-hmm.

[7:46] Now, Independence Day.

[7:47] What if George W. Bush's entire presidency was him imitating Bill Pullman in different movies?

[7:52] So he did that.

[7:54] Uh-huh.

[7:54] He also, he dated Sandra Bullock while Sandra Bullock was pretending to be his brother Jeb's fiancé.

[7:59] Jeb was in a coma.

[8:00] Wait, who was sleeping?

[8:02] His brother Jeb, I just said.

[8:04] I mean, look at the guy.

[8:04] He's essentially in a walking coma anyway.

Dan McCoy

[8:06] He was also a shut-in and he made his vice president go out and do all the legwork for a miscreate.

[8:13] Help him solve crimes, yeah.

[8:14] That he was solving.

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] In a movie that wasn't funny, really, nor suspenseful.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] Wait, is that Zero Theorem?

[8:20] Zero Effect.

[8:21] Oh, Zero Effect.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] Zero Theorem is the Terry Gilliam movie with Christoph Waltz, right?

[8:25] Yeah, you're right.

[8:26] And Zero is the Mutant Liberation Front character who turned out to be an android who can teleport.

[8:32] Oh, you don't say.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:33] So Bill Pullman's in this movie.

[8:35] You know, had a paradox.

[8:36] This is a star-studded cast.

[8:38] Who comes back from the first movie?

[8:39] Not Will Smith.

[8:40] Oh, no.

[8:40] He is not interested.

Stuart Wellington

[8:42] He seems less interested in aliens than he used to be.

Elliott Kalan

[8:46] There was, once someone told me a story about.

[8:48] Maybe it was After Earth.

[8:50] Uh.

[8:50] Those were not aliens, Dan, because those were on Earth.

[8:52] That's true.

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] Someone once told me a story that when Will Smith wanted to get into movies, his people

[8:58] looked at what are the highest grossing movies of all time, and they were all science fiction

[9:02] films.

[9:03] And he said, that's what I'm making.

[9:05] I'm making science fiction films.

[9:06] And so he did like Independence Day and Men in Black, and I don't know what other ones.

Stuart Wellington

[9:10] I mean, somebody could just be playing Monday morning quarterback with Will Smith's career.

[9:13] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] And like Six Degrees of Separation, where I think it turns out he's an alien at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[9:17] I mean, soccer challenge.

[9:18] Stocker Channing has a kind of almost.

[9:20] Sal and soccer.

[9:22] Soccer Channing.

S4

[9:23] Whereas he's also known as soccer challenge.

[9:28] It's time for a soccer challenge.

[9:30] Oh, I'm sorry.

[9:31] Stocker Channing.

[9:32] Please welcome to the show.

[9:34] Thank you for being here, Stockert.

[9:37] That's a sign.

[9:39] Is that a name?

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] Soccer challenge is a name.

S4

[9:44] I mean, Stockert is barely a name.

[9:47] I don't know what that is.

[9:47] It's like Stockade, basically, right?

Stuart Wellington

[9:51] Yeah, or maybe it's like one of those medieval names where it's based on your profession,

[9:55] and there was somebody who was a stock person.

[9:58] I guess so.

[9:59] Yeah, Stockert.

Dan McCoy

[10:00] Or Channing.

[10:01] Because she was a chain maker.

[10:03] Yep.

[10:03] Because she was a Carol Channing impersonator.

[10:07] That's what it was.

[10:08] Who else is in this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] So Will Smith's not in the movie, but Jeff Goldblum returns.

Stuart Wellington

[10:13] There's a photo of Will Smith.

[10:16] That's true.

[10:16] At least two photos of Will Smith.

Elliott Kalan

[10:17] There's a photo with a filter put on it to make it look like a portrait hanging in the White House.

[10:21] Judd Hirsch returns.

[10:23] Brent Spiner returns.

[10:24] Heck yeah.

[10:25] Robert Loja returns for a second.

[10:27] For a one-second cameo.

[10:29] And there's a lot of-

[10:31] Vivica Fox is in it.

[10:32] Vivica Fox.

[10:33] She's gone from stripper to doctor.

[10:35] An inspiring story of the Manson.

[10:36] At least-

Elliott Kalan

[10:36] Yeah.

[10:37] Oh.

[10:38] That was her?

Dan McCoy

[10:39] Yeah.

[10:40] Yes.

[10:40] Okay.

[10:42] Well, I just missed that part of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] Okay.

[10:44] So, but let's tell the story of the film, shall we?

[10:47] Sure.

[10:47] It's-

[10:48] We-

[10:48] This movie has aged in real time.

[10:50] It's 20 years since the original Asian alien invasion of 1996.

Dan McCoy

[10:53] So they did a little bit of stunt casting.

[10:55] It's like the comic strip for better or for worse.

[10:58] It ages in real time.

Elliott Kalan

[10:59] Does for better or worse age in real time?

[11:00] Yeah.

[11:00] I know Gasoline Alley did.

Dan McCoy

[11:02] Yeah.

[11:02] It does.

[11:03] And Funky Winkerbein and Doonesbury.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] Funky Winkerbein?

[11:06] The least funky, most depressing comic strip-

[11:08] Yeah.

[11:08] In the pages?

[11:10] The Winkerbeiniest, though.

[11:11] Did you know, uh, Peanuts actually ages in real time, but it's set in a world where the

[11:15] children have been stumped by radiation.

[11:19] That explains a lot about Snoopy.

[11:22] Oh, oh yeah.

[11:23] He's a mutant.

[11:23] That's how he can dance.

[11:25] Uh, he-

[11:25] He's-

[11:26] When he thinks people can hear it, he's like Blood, the dog in A Boy and His Dog.

[11:31] Mm-hmm.

[11:32] In that also, he convinced Charlie Brown to cook Lucy so that they could-

[11:36] They could then eat her.

[11:38] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:38] Yeah, just like at the end of A Boy and His Dog.

[11:40] And he has like a Proteus-like power where he can fly as, uh, just because he thinks

[11:44] it, his, uh, his doghouse turns into a fighter plane.

[11:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:49] Oh, well, no.

[11:50] He's used his advanced, uh, his advanced abilities to, yeah, turn the doghouse into a

[11:55] flying thing.

[11:56] But, yeah, he has reality warping powers, which is why suddenly it's World War I again.

[12:00] Mm-hmm.

[12:00] Suddenly he's a soldier.

[12:01] He's lived a thousand lifetimes.

[12:05] Yeah.

[12:06] Just like Garfield in the book.

[12:09] Garfield, nine lives.

[12:10] The nine lives of Garfield.

[12:11] Uh, so it's 20 years since the original alien invasion.

S4

[12:14] The nine romantic lives of Garfield.

[12:16] Which is what?

[12:17] He's having sex with a different cartoon cat in each one?

[12:19] Mm-hmm.

[12:19] And different time periods.

Dan McCoy

[12:21] Like a Playboy video from 93.

[12:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] Why?

[12:26] Because it's all about Jurassic Park?

[12:28] Yeah.

[12:28] That's right.

[12:29] Welcome to Playboy's video calendar, 1993.

[12:32] We wanted to show you some hot models, but we know you want to see footage of Jurassic Park

[12:36] coming out this summer.

Dan McCoy

[12:38] Now I'm just imagining like a woman in a T-Rex costume.

[12:42] And there's just like two holes where her breasts are and they're poking out.

[12:46] It probably exists somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] Uh, it's amazing how much 1993 to me, the one landmark I can go to is Jurassic Park.

[12:54] And I date things by that.

Stuart Wellington

[12:55] Yeah, at least like the last five episodes you've mentioned it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] It's like, oh, Independence Day, that alien invasion was in 1996, also known as 3 AD, after

[13:03] dinosaurs.

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] Yeah, that's funny.

[13:05] I remember seeing, I remember seeing, uh, Independence Day.

[13:11] I think it was like, it was, it came out in the summer.

[13:14] I think it came out on the 4th of July to be exact.

[13:18] And I remember, uh, I was on, uh, seeing, uh, I was on a soccer, at a soccer tournament

[13:25] with my youth soccer team.

[13:27] Soccer chanting?

[13:27] Yeah.

S4

[13:28] It was a soccer chanting soccer challenge.

[13:31] Brought to you by Smuckers.

Stuart Wellington

[13:34] It was the Memorial Soccer Chanting Soccer Challenge.

S4

[13:36] It was the Smothers Brothers Soccer Channing Memorial Soccer Challenge.

Elliott Kalan

[13:40] Brought to you by Smuckers and Starburst.

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] So I was at this, I was at this soccer challenge.

[13:48] And one afternoon when we were not playing games anymore, we all, as a team, went out

[13:54] to see Independence Day.

[13:55] And boy.

S4

[13:56] You were kidnapped on an island where the rich hunted you for sport.

[13:59] And you were like, we're not playing games anymore.

[14:01] No.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] This is a bug hunt, man.

[14:03] Yep.

[14:04] Uh, and I said, generals are off.

[14:08] Please don't shoot me.

[14:10] I know I'm the world's greatest hunter, but I do not want to be the hunted.

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] Uh, I remember when Independence Day came out and I remember as a, I guess what, 14 year

[14:21] old?

[14:21] Mm-hmm.

[14:21] Being like, that was okay.

[14:23] And then when I got older, I was like, oh, that movie's not very good.

Dan McCoy

[14:26] It's not very good, but I still have a lot of fondness for it.

[14:29] It's, uh, in the tradition of your classic disaster movie in that it shows a lot of, it

[14:37] has a lot of, you know, big stars, character actors.

[14:41] They each have their own, like, storylines that converge at different points in the movie.

[14:48] Uh, we get to, we really get to know them as characters before.

[14:53] Yeah, rich.

[14:54] Rich.

[14:54] You really inhabit that world.

[14:55] No, no, I'm.

S4

[14:56] It's a tapestry.

Dan McCoy

[14:57] I'm.

[14:57] Tennessee Williams, watch out.

[14:59] Independence Day.

Dan McCoy

[14:59] I'm saying this in contrast to the movie we watched today.

S4

[15:01] Oh, I do declare there's plenty of aliens about to show up.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] I'm always dependent on the kindness of aliens.

Dan McCoy

[15:07] Yeah, that's better than mine.

[15:08] I'm just saying that we, we spend, we spend actual time with these characters before things

[15:12] start blowing up, which is the exact opposite of the movie that we saw.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] In Independence Day Resurgence, it's 20 years later.

[15:19] Earth has rebuilt using the alien technology to make laser guns and monorails, and everything

[15:24] looks like the people are living in SimCity 3000.

Stuart Wellington

[15:27] Yeah, we get a little bit of a rundown of what happened in the first Independence Day when

[15:31] an alien queen in her little space chamber is just watching clips from the first movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] She's watching Bill Pullman's famous Independence Day speech with, I assume, anger.

[15:45] They want revenge.

[15:46] They've never been rejected by an inferior species before, and it's time to make amends

[15:51] for that.

[15:52] We're on Earth.

[15:53] We briefly introduced the characters.

[15:55] There's a couple of hot dog and space pilots.

[15:58] There's Will Smith's son, who's also a hot dog and space pilot.

[16:02] There's this Chinese space pilot.

[16:04] She's a hot dog and space pilot.

[16:05] There's what's-her-name from It Follows, who is an aide to the president, but also a former

[16:10] hot dog and space pilot.

Stuart Wellington

[16:12] And also the former hot dog daughter of the president.

[16:15] Yeah.

[16:16] I guess current.

[16:17] Now, this is a very specific moment when the-

[16:20] When she was formerly a hot dog.

[16:21] Yeah.

[16:22] The witch transformed her into a real girl.

[16:25] This is a point where the movie got a little bit of flack because it brought everybody

[16:29] else back.

[16:30] It brought back your Judd Hirsch, your Brent Spiner, all those guys.

[16:34] It brought sexy back.

[16:35] And- but they did not bring back Mae Whitman, who played the daughter of Bill Pullman in

[16:41] the original movie, even though Mae Whitman is a working actress nowadays.

[16:44] What does she do now?

[16:46] She's her, aka Egg, from-

[16:48] Oh, okay.

[16:50] Rest of Development.

[16:52] She's in a bunch of other-

[16:54] She was in the movie-

[16:55] She was in the movie The Duff.

[16:56] Yeah.

[16:56] She was the titular Duff.

[16:58] I don't know what that is.

[16:59] Which was a good movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:00] It's a movie that posits that every group of women have a less attractive woman that

[17:07] hangs out with them in order to throw their-

[17:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:09] Duff from MTV, Duff McKagan from GNR.

[17:12] In order to throw their attractiveness-

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Duff fear into sharper relief.

[17:15] Oh, I see.

[17:16] And it's a romantic, high school romantic comedy where the titular Duff-

[17:23] I'm saying titular.

[17:24] Yeah, you're saying it weird, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[17:26] Now, here's the thing about Independence Day-

[17:27] I get it.

[17:28] She finds love or something.

[17:28] You understand what happens.

[17:29] Independence Day Resurgence.

[17:31] Every character in this movie is either-

[17:32] She wasn't brought back is what Stuart was getting at.

Stuart Wellington

[17:34] Yeah, and it's fucking weird and stupid because she's a working actress and there's no reason

[17:38] not to bring her back.

[17:39] As much as I love Michael Monroe's performances in The Guest and It Follows.

Dan McCoy

[17:43] We also forgot Hot Dog and Hemsworth.

[17:45] Hot Dog and Hemsworth.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Which Hemsworth?

[17:47] It's one of the Hemsworths.

Dan McCoy

[17:48] Yeah, one of the non-thor Hemsworths.

[17:51] Dunstan?

S4

[17:52] Dunstan checked in.

[17:54] Dunstan checks Hemsworth.

[17:56] His parents named him after their favorite movie, Dunstan Checks In.

Elliott Kalan

[18:00] Almost every character is either the child of a character from the previous movie or a fighter pilot or both.

[18:09] It is a very small world in which everyone is a child of somebody else who's also a character.

[18:14] Everyone's a child of somebody else.

[18:16] Come on, you know what I mean.

[18:18] There are very few new characters who are not related to previous characters unless they are William Fichtner as a four-star general who-

[18:27] Well, we'll tell you what happens.

[18:28] Poor Michelin star.

[18:29] So it's in the future.

[18:31] Yeah, he's a four-inch star.

[18:32] I mean, it doesn't even go that high.

[18:34] He didn't even get burnt to get that far.

[18:36] You know what happens is you take one bite of his food and it's so good, you orgasm and then die.

[18:41] So that fourth Michelin star is a warning.

[18:43] This will be the best food you've ever tasted, but it'll be the last thing you ever do.

[18:47] And you know what?

[18:48] People are willing to pay like $1,000 for that.

[18:50] Like even if I lock up my weenus in a cage?

S4

[18:54] I don't really know how that would in any way affect what was happening.

[18:59] You know, it'll delay my pleasure.

Stuart Wellington

[19:01] So I'll eat that thing.

[19:03] I'll eat that sandwich or whatever the fuck he makes me.

[19:05] And I'll be like, ha ha, I checked you.

S4

[19:06] That's the other thing.

[19:07] It's a sandwich deli.

[19:08] And then like a week later, I'll take that cage off my weenus.

Stuart Wellington

[19:11] And then all of a sudden I'm like, ah, I'm dead.

[19:14] Bury me with honors.

S4

[19:18] Bury me with the rest of the sandwich.

[19:19] I'll eat it in heaven.

[19:20] Remember me as a guy who had a cage on his weenus.

[19:23] Nicholas Weenus Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[19:26] Dickless Cage.

[19:27] That's what they call him.

[19:30] So anywho, it's the future.

[19:33] It's our year 2016, but it's the future because they have alien technology.

[19:36] And on the moon base, where they have a moon defense base set up,

[19:40] we're introduced to the Hemsworth and his buddy.

[19:43] They're both orphans or whatever.

[19:45] I think their parents were killed in the big alien invasion.

[19:48] A mysterious craft appears through a wormhole, and Earth is like, blow the shit out of that thing.

[19:55] And they shoot it down.

Stuart Wellington

[19:57] Yeah, Earth relies on its baser human instincts of violence.

[20:02] Meanwhile-

[20:02] Now, granted, it does look like when it's coming through that wormhole, it looks like the cover of Morbid Angels, Gateways of Annihilation.

Elliott Kalan

[20:09] It does.

[20:11] Meanwhile, back at home, by which I mean Earth, welcome to it.

[20:16] Jeff Goldblum is still out investigating his aliens, and he's in the middle of Africa where there's a leftover alien ship that landed,

[20:25] and where the locals have finally finished, I guess, by hand hunting down these aliens.

[20:30] Yeah.

[20:31] And we're introduced to a group of characters, Jeff Goldblum, the scientist from the first movie,

[20:35] an English scientist who's some kind of psychologist who specializes in people who have met aliens, who's hanging out there.

[20:43] Some nerdy guy who is hanging around Jeff Goldblum.

[20:46] A French scientist.

[20:47] Oh, she's French?

[20:48] I thought she was English.

[20:48] Yeah.

[20:49] Some nerdy, except her mother was in London.

Dan McCoy

[20:52] I don't know, she had a French accent.

[20:53] Yeah, that's what happens when...

[20:54] I mean, she's played by Charlotte Gainsbourg, so...

[20:56] I mean, all I know is her mother was living in London.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] Sometimes when you have that, like, globe-trotting Euro lifestyle, some of your family lives somewhere, somewhere, somewhere else.

S4

[21:04] Breakfast in London, lunch in Paris, midnight in Rome, and good night, Irene.

[21:09] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[21:10] And then we're introduced to the leader of the warlord, the leader of this group of African alien hunter dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] And he, even though everyone has huge honking laser missile rifles that everyone's holding all the time, laser rifles that are so big, cable should be carrying them around.

[21:27] He prefers to have two machetes strapped to his back that he uses to slice up aliens machete style.

[21:33] He's the Leonardo of the group.

[21:35] He's the Leonardo, he's the Deadpool, he's whoever has two-thank swords sticking out of their back.

Stuart Wellington

[21:40] So let's go back to those laser guns.

[21:41] So they have these laser guns that they stole from the aliens.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] Or retro-engineered.

[21:46] All the aliens have the same guns when they show up.

[21:48] And they didn't.

[21:49] Now, I don't remember them ever seeing those guns in the original film.

[21:52] No.

[21:52] What are you going to do?

[21:52] They reconed them.

Stuart Wellington

[21:53] They probably fucking found them somewhere in one of the alien ships.

[21:56] But the thing is that it doesn't make a lot of sense that, like, everybody is carrying these giant alien lasers everywhere they go.

[22:03] Like, the Secret Service guys have them.

[22:05] And they're huge.

[22:06] Like, they're the biggest things in the world.

[22:07] And that doesn't make any sense.

[22:09] Like, the trend with weaponry is to get smaller, right?

[22:13] So it's easier to hide.

[22:14] No, no, no.

[22:15] Smaller is old-fashioned.

[22:16] Now it's all about big.

[22:17] Big weapons.

[22:18] Uh-huh.

[22:18] So you've got to carry around, like, a Cloud Strife-sized buster sword?

[22:23] I'm going to pretend I know what that means.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] Are you, like, just pushing a trebuchet around?

[22:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[22:28] I like the idea of, like, there's a cop on the beat who has to give his badge.

[22:32] Give me your badge and gun.

[22:33] And the gun on your ankle.

[22:34] And under his pant leg is this huge laser rifle.

S4

[22:38] He, like, can barely walk because it makes his leg has to be straight.

Dan McCoy

[22:42] No, that's my giant penis.

[22:44] I have it in a weenus cage.

S4

[22:46] That's why it looks so big.

[22:47] That doesn't make any sense.

[22:48] It would be smaller if it was in a weenus cage.

[22:50] The cage cages it in.

Stuart Wellington

[22:52] Also, the design of that weenus cage looks strangely alien.

[22:54] Almost like an alien laser rifle.

S4

[22:56] They retrofitted the alien weenus cage technology.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] They find some stuff.

[23:05] Anyway, they shoot this thing on the moon.

[23:07] Jeff Goldblum and his team decide to go on the moon, even though they're told not to,

[23:11] by the, in the first of many Google Hangouts, which involve all the world leaders, the president,

[23:18] and anyone who seems to be around a speaker of some kind or a screen.

[23:22] Like, the president will be talking to the leaders of the other countries, and these space

[23:27] jockeys and their fighter jets will be able to listen in on it.

[23:29] The moon base can hear what it is.

[23:31] Jeff Goldblum on his laptop or his walkie-talkie can hear it.

[23:35] It's called transparency, Elliot.

[23:37] I guess so.

[23:37] Every piece of communications technology in this movie is so wide-banned that you can just

[23:41] pick it up on whatever.

[23:43] There are folks driving their cars in the middle of the night, just tuning the radio on

[23:46] the FM dial, who are suddenly in on, like, national security conversations between world

[23:51] powers and stuff like that, because it seems to be broadcast everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] Yeah, well, after they defeated the aliens the first time, they realized that this is

[23:57] kind of a global community, dude, and everybody has to be able to talk to each other.

[24:02] I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] So, but there are a number of parts later in the movie when, like, the president will

[24:09] be talking to somebody, and it'll be like, we're running out of time, the aliens are da-da-da,

[24:13] and then you'll see some guys on a fishing trawler listening on the radio.

[24:16] They're like, oh no, they're running out of time.

[24:18] It's like, why are you on this channel?

[24:20] What's your security clearance?

[24:22] Anyway, they go up to the moon.

[24:24] Uh-oh.

[24:25] There's a scene where Liam Hemsworth uses his space tow truck to push a falling laser out

[24:31] of the way of killing some people, which does not endear him to his flight commander or whatever.

[24:36] Completely extraneous detail.

[24:38] It's just to show us, it's the scene where we see that he's a hero who doesn't play by

[24:42] the rules, but he's right, damn it.

[24:44] And he's not afraid to take risks.

[24:46] And also, he does it with a kind of Han Solo smirk.

Stuart Wellington

[24:49] And he's affianced to Michael Monroe, the former president's daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] Who is now the assistant to the current president.

Stuart Wellington

[24:58] Yeah, I mean, that's...

[24:59] Because there's 13 people on her.

[25:01] That's the kind of problem that happens with government, though, dude.

[25:03] Like, people become entrenched and like...

[25:05] Nepotism, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] That's why you need an outsider to shake it up.

S4

[25:08] Preferably the worst person you can find.

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] Maybe like a giant alien queen.

[25:13] Let's not skip to the best part of the movie yet.

[25:16] Anyway, suddenly the aliens attack.

[25:18] Remember how they had that big ship that went over the parts of the Earth?

[25:21] Of course.

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] I mean, that ship was enormous, Elliot.

[25:23] It was huge.

[25:24] It is burned in my memory watching that alien ship slowly float out of some clouds.

[25:29] And to really understand how much it dwarfs our small human society.

[25:33] Oh, yeah.

[25:34] It was majestic.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] Now imagine if it was ludicrously bigger.

S4

[25:38] Literally, as quoted in the movie, 3,000 miles long.

[25:41] That's pretty big.

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] That's how many miles it is to Graceland.

[25:46] According to Kevin Costner.

[25:48] Yeah.

[25:48] So a 3,000-mile alien ship, which wants revenge, comes out of cloaking.

[25:53] Because they killed its mom.

[25:56] And the ship is so big that it has its own gravity field.

[25:59] And it's just pulling space debris up to it.

[26:02] This gravity field, you'll be happy to know, is forgotten about roughly two-thirds through the movie.

[26:07] Yeah.

[26:07] As the alien mothership eventually just kind of settles somewhere and starts boring towards the Earth's core.

[26:13] But the alien mothership, it destroys the moon base.

[26:16] No one's left but a few of these hotshot fighter jockeys.

[26:18] Then it goes to Earth.

[26:20] And it's, what, 15 to 20 minutes of just cities being destroyed by this thing just bumping into them.

[26:26] And people and cars and airplanes falling into the air.

Dan McCoy

[26:29] That's why it's so weird that the gravity thing gets abandoned later in the movie.

[26:34] Because it is clearly the most effective weapon that these aliens have.

[26:39] Like, it's not necessarily intended as a weapon.

[26:41] It's just the fact that their spaceship is so huge that it has its own gravitational field.

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, L.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] Well, but that's the thing.

[26:53] Like, it, like, totally smashes up the moon.

[26:55] And then it totally, like, slams into the Earth.

[26:58] Like, this is a huge thing that has its own gravitational pull.

[27:00] I know if you start messing up with the gravity, at least according to the Akira comic book,

[27:04] if you just blow up part of the moon like Tetsuo does, that kind of, like, even that small change to the various...

[27:10] It'll affect the tides, yeah.

[27:11] The tides, the weather patterns.

[27:13] Instead, nothing happens unless you count ships and airplanes.

Dan McCoy

[27:18] Sure, I mean, that's what makes it from.

S4

[27:19] I guess I count that, yeah.

[27:21] It's part of the alien's plan.

[27:23] They'll disrupt the moon's gravity so that every woman is on the same cycle all at once.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] Mm-hmm.

[27:29] But all of our most effective women are having cramps.

[27:32] They can't react to this alien threat.

Stuart Wellington

[27:34] They didn't count on our army of bears being summoned by the smells.

S4

[27:39] Not the way I already know.

[27:40] I was expecting more of, like, a menopausal warrior unit.

[27:43] Oh, yeah, that too.

[27:44] But riding on the bears, like in Mad Max.

[27:47] They're like, I guess, yeah, I guess that weighs what that motorcycle gang is, like a menopausal warrior unit.

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] That, like, they'd be like, we can't, all of our greatest fighter pilots are women.

[27:56] We can't use them.

[27:57] And then just all these Rosie the Riveters walk out with fighter pilot helmets under their arms.

[28:03] They're like, step aside, youngster.

[28:05] We'll take care of this one.

[28:06] Yeah.

[28:07] Pew, pew.

S4

[28:08] You're just saying pew, pew, ma'am.

Elliott Kalan

[28:10] Pew, gotcha.

[28:11] Pew, pew.

[28:12] Bah.

[28:13] Okay, Grandma, do you know where you are right now?

[28:18] It's 1946, and I'm fighting the Nazis.

[28:21] Okay, the war was over by 1946, Grandma.

S4

[28:23] You were there.

[28:24] You should remember this.

[28:25] You were just shooting Germans.

[28:26] Yeah.

[28:27] That's what your funny books tell you.

[28:30] Actually, the war is still going on.

[28:32] They're taking my pills.

[28:34] All right, Grandma, let's just set you aside right here.

[28:37] Hey, Price is Right is on.

[28:38] Oh, that's a conspiracy.

[28:39] I'll watch it.

[28:42] It turns around so fast on it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] Yeah.

[28:44] Well, you know, she doesn't remember things.

[28:47] Anywho.

[28:48] Yeah.

[28:48] Every place is destroyed.

[28:50] Every place is being destroyed.

[28:51] And so, yeah, this alien ship could basically extinct the human race if it just kept mowing the earth, essentially.

Dan McCoy

[28:58] Yeah, but later on, they just decide, oh, it's better just to have, like, planes fly around and shoot things than, like, aliens come in with their, like, walk on the ground, boots on the ground with their alien guns.

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] It's not, well, but they need the mothership to start drilling through the ocean into the earth's core.

[29:16] Yeah, it needs to take that.

[29:17] To steal our hot, gooey magma core.

[29:19] Yeah, you gotta get that hot core.

[29:20] The most delicious part.

[29:21] The hot nougat at the center of the earth, which, as we learn later, the aliens use for power and to grow their technology, a phrase which is never really explained or, and doesn't really sound good.

[29:34] Anyway, this is when wave two starts going on.

[29:38] And we go through, what is it, just, like, flying jet attack after flying jet attack as humanity is like, we're not gonna let them stop us.

[29:47] This is our planet.

[29:49] Yeah.

[29:49] 40 fighter jets go after it.

[29:51] 38 of them are destroyed.

[29:52] Oh, well, this is our planet.

[29:55] We're not gonna let them stop us.

[29:56] Yeah.

[29:57] Fighter after them, most of the people are destroyed.

[29:59] Until it gets to this, like, as Dan was saying while watching, this ludicrous point where the odds are so against humanity and that, like, we have no satellite communication.

[30:08] We have barely any working technology.

[30:10] Much of the earth has been destroyed.

[30:13] And literally to that old plot point that we saw in Battleship 2 where it's like, good thing the Smithsonian hasn't come by yet to pick up this old analog, these old analog jeeps and walkie-talkies we used to have.

[30:25] Yeah.

[30:25] Yeah, the things that the alien technology can't interact with.

[30:27] I will say, though, it's amazing that even before they take out the satellites, even though it's a 3,000-mile-long spaceship that is causing enormous gravity distortion problems, it does not affect cell service.

[30:42] When Judd Hirsch is in a fishing boat, speeding away from the mothership, he has no problem calling his son.

[30:50] He must have fucking Verizon or something.

Stuart Wellington

[30:52] On the other side of the earth.

[30:54] I mean, can you hear me now?

[30:55] Because there's a mothership following me.

[30:57] At the same time, he's probably streaming episodes of fucking House.

[31:02] Remember House?

S4

[31:03] Yeah.

[31:04] He's a doctor and he fucking doesn't play by the rules.

[31:06] No, he doesn't.

Elliott Kalan

[31:07] It jinks.

[31:08] Which I guess would be what the Hippocratic Oath.

[31:11] Yeah.

[31:12] I can't keep straight the order of the events, but here's the basics.

[31:17] A bunch of the fighter pilots get stuck inside the mothership.

[31:20] We forget about them for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[31:21] They go on the mothership and they're like, okay, we're close enough to this alien queen.

[31:26] We're just going to detonate our bombs.

S4

[31:27] Oh, there's a giant alien queen on the mothership who is 40 feet tall.

Stuart Wellington

[31:32] Yeah, she's a giant alien queen.

[31:34] She's a killer queen.

[31:35] And their immediate reaction is...

[31:37] Alien queen!

S4

[31:37] And we're sharing the same dream.

[31:41] And the odds are they'll destroy the earth.

[31:45] Welcome to earth.

Stuart Wellington

[31:47] Stu started checking his phone as soon as Elliot started singing.

[31:50] Alien queen!

[31:51] I'm like, oh, what's going on with Angry Birds?

[31:54] Still angry.

[31:55] Nope.

[31:56] So they see this alien queen on their heat sensors and they're like, shit, if we blow that thing up, we win the day, I bet.

[32:05] Yeah.

[32:06] All you have to do is kill the boss level.

[32:08] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:08] So they send their dudes in there.

[32:10] Like the fucking master vampire in Lost Boys or whatever.

[32:13] Exactly like that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:14] And you're like, but Edward Herman's the master vampire.

[32:18] Spoilers!

[32:19] So they fly in.

[32:20] They're like, now this is pod racing.

[32:23] And all of a sudden the aliens are like, ha ha, fooled you idiots.

[32:26] This was a honeypot.

[32:27] We're tricking you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[32:28] To quote Admiral Ackbar, it's a trap.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] And then they blast him with this EMP and once again, Verizon comes through because despite the fact their planes are slowly, slowly, oh so slowly falling out of the sky inside the alien vessel.

S4

[32:46] Which as someone in a post-dubbed piece of exposition explains to us has its own ecosystem.

[32:51] Yep.

[32:51] To explain why the inside of a giant spaceship our fearless heroes are trudging through in.

[32:57] Like rice paddies.

Stuart Wellington

[32:58] Like deep deep, yeah, rice paddy swamp.

[33:01] So they, so after the EMP hits, they still have plenty, like they have crystal clear signal.

[33:07] They can communicate.

[33:08] People in fucking Norway on a fishing trawler can hear them.

[33:13] And they try to detonate their bombs, which once again, should not be able to work after an EMP.

Elliott Kalan

[33:20] Well, the alien ship sends out little like remote control shuriken devices that go on the bombs.

[33:27] And what, blow them up or deactivate them?

[33:29] I don't remember.

[33:29] I don't know what they do.

[33:30] I'm not, I don't, I don't quite know what happens.

Stuart Wellington

[33:32] Whatever happens, it doesn't work out.

[33:34] Our heroes are left to fend for themselves in this alien rice paddy.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] Now here's something that we forgot to mention, which is that when the aliens are arriving, a couple people who had past experience with these aliens are having horrible headaches.

[33:47] Bill Pullman's one of them.

[33:49] That African warlord is another one.

[33:51] And Brent Spiner, the scientist from the first movie has been in a coma for 20 years is another where it is very casually revealed that he's gay.

[33:59] And his boyfriend is not husband because he went into a coma before gay marriage was legal anywhere.

[34:04] His boyfriend has been taking care of him and also works at the same secret Area 51 project.

[34:11] I mean, maybe that's where they fell in love.

[34:13] I have to assume so.

[34:14] Because otherwise it means that he got his boyfriend a job at this secret lab.

[34:18] And like, that's not ethical.

Dan McCoy

[34:19] It was the closest thing to a relationship that I cared about in the movie.

[34:22] Because it seemed like two characters who actually knew each other and cared about.

[34:27] And had feelings for each other.

S4

[34:29] As opposed to all these characters where it's like, you're my daughter.

[34:34] Daughter.

Stuart Wellington

[34:35] And we're greeted with a parade of characters.

[34:39] I wish it was a parade.

S4

[34:40] At the end of Eight and a Half, all the characters, including the aliens, just dance around in a circle.

[34:46] While Marcelo Mastriani just conducts them.

Stuart Wellington

[34:51] Well, we're introduced to all these characters who do some amazing exposition explaining the backstory and relationships they all have.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] There's a scene where, so Will Smith's son is a hotshot fighter pilot.

[35:03] And he's about to fly to the moon where he can play among the stars.

[35:09] In other words, huge gravity ship, 3,000 miles long.

[35:13] And a reporter goes, seeing as your father died on an experimental test flight to the moon,

[35:19] how does it feel to be flying now out of a hangar named after him?

[35:22] And it was like, glad you packed all that exposition into that question.

[35:25] So we wouldn't worry that Will Smith might show up later in the film or anything.

[35:28] It's efficient screenwriting, Elliot.

[35:30] You know that.

[35:32] There must have been some point where they wrote that sequel with Will Smith having a big part.

[35:35] And he said, no, I don't want a big part.

[35:37] They must have written it where he shows up in the third act like he's a prisoner of the aliens or something.

[35:42] And then he goes, on second thought, I don't want to do it.

[35:45] And they just had to write him down.

[35:46] Write him out and just insert that line.

Stuart Wellington

[35:48] Yep.

[35:49] Insert.

[35:50] Initiate a poochy protocol.

S4

[35:53] That's right.

[35:54] Run the pooch maneuver.

Dan McCoy

[35:57] I have to leave now.

[35:58] He died on the other side.

Elliott Kalan

[36:00] So, yeah, these guys are.

[36:03] So, humanity has been reduced to a ragtag team of misfits.

[36:07] The president of the United States is in an underground bunker.

[36:10] And the aliens burst in with laser rifles in their hands.

[36:13] And she goes, there will be no peace.

[36:15] And everyone starts firing guns.

[36:16] And it's like, of course there will be no peace.

[36:18] They destroyed millions of people.

[36:20] And London, China, like all these places.

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] Yeah, and I was going to the bathroom.

[36:25] And I came back out.

[36:26] And it was just a pee-pee.

[36:26] So it would have gone super fast.

[36:28] And I came back.

[36:29] And this whole thing happened.

[36:30] That's just evidence of how this movie seems to go at like a constant breakneck clip.

S4

[36:35] Breakneck.

[36:35] It's a fast movie.

[36:36] And it's two hours long.

[36:38] But they pack like a season's worth of stuff into it.

Stuart Wellington

[36:41] It does feel like you're watching, like, we're about to watch season two of Independence Day, the TV show.

[36:47] And we're watching the like, here's the like Netflix wrap up of season one.

[36:52] Here's the recap special.

Elliott Kalan

[36:53] When's Chris Hardwick going to come in and tell us what else is happening?

[36:56] And they walk up to William Fichtner and they go,

[36:58] everyone in the presidential succession line is dead.

[37:00] You're the president now.

S4

[37:02] And he's like, hand me a Bible.

[37:03] Okay.

[37:04] Swear me in.

[37:05] Get some King Ralph over here.

[37:07] Swears himself in.

[37:08] Spotted dick.

[37:08] That's a food.

[37:09] I don't want to be king.

[37:11] I'll make my butler king.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] That's how it works in a monarchy, right?

[37:14] Mm-hmm.

[37:15] You know that as soon as King Ralph went back to the United States, the butler was-

[37:19] The mob tore the butler to pieces.

S4

[37:21] And they're like, Peter O'Toole.

[37:23] The butler was like, so I'm the king now, right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] And then they found like some three-year-old who actually has a drop of royal blood in him.

[37:30] And he went, kill him.

S4

[37:32] And then ascended the iron throne of Britain.

Dan McCoy

[37:35] Yeah, exactly.

[37:36] Now, we've skipped over a fairly important thing in favor of much less important things,

[37:41] which is that the first thing that-

[37:44] The first alien that is-

[37:45] Alien.

[37:46] Encountered in this movie is not a bad alien, but in fact-

[37:49] Oh, we're getting to that.

[37:51] A good alien.

Elliott Kalan

[37:51] And Jeff Goldblum's like, we don't know who it is.

[37:53] Don't shoot at it yet.

[37:54] And the president is like-

[37:55] Blast it.

[37:56] Take the shot.

Dan McCoy

[37:58] Destroy with extreme humanitude.

[37:59] But that happened at the beginning of the movie.

[38:03] And-

[38:03] Later on.

[38:04] Later on, they have taken some scrap metal from the site of the crash back to Earth

[38:10] because they want to examine it.

[38:12] Because Jeff Goldblum's like, this is, I think, a different alien species.

[38:15] I think this is not the evil aliens.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] And it's the same shape as a mysterious shape that all these people who have had alien mind

[38:22] melds have been drawing in their sleep or whatever.

[38:25] Because it has to have a mystery or prophecy.

[38:26] It just looks like a circle.

Dan McCoy

[38:27] I mean, it might as well be like the drawing of a hula hoop from-

[38:30] Hutsucker Proxy?

[38:31] Hutsucker Proxy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] For kids.

[38:32] Yeah.

[38:32] It actually looks like Marvin in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Odyssey movie.

[38:36] It looks like his head.

[38:37] It's just a white orb-

[38:38] It's like a bisected orb.

[38:39] With a black line on it.

[38:40] And it turns out to be, this is the most hilarious expedition of the whole thing.

[38:45] Because, so there's this character that we were introduced to a while earlier who is this

[38:50] kind of nerdy bureaucrat who is harassing Jeff Goldblum for some reason.

[38:54] He's like checking up on money that a grant was given to him for something.

Stuart Wellington

[38:59] And he just-

[39:00] It's the loosest plot line as to why this guy's there.

[39:03] And there's, it's no, like, it's not like, if this movie came out like 30 or 40 years

[39:07] ago and this person was like a famous singer and they're like, oh, we just need an excuse

[39:11] to keep this person in the movie.

S4

[39:13] We needed a reason that Donovan would be in this movie.

[39:16] Yeah, exactly.

[39:17] We needed a reason that one of the partridges-

[39:18] Why this famous tap dancer?

[39:21] We needed a role for one of the Nicholas Brothers.

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] This is why we need the Harlem Globetrotters who are going to come along on this adventure.

S4

[39:28] Look, we signed Evil Knievel to a contract.

[39:30] We've got to put him in a movie.

Dan McCoy

[39:31] We've got Rip Taylor here.

[39:33] He's going to need to use confetti.

[39:35] That's part of his bid.

[39:36] Right at the end of the movie.

[39:37] Figure out a justification for why he has confetti.

S4

[39:39] Look, do I know why we cast Mike Dukakis in Roll TBD for the movie?

[39:45] No.

[39:46] Just find a place to stick him.

[39:47] I don't care.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] So yeah, there's this nerdy guy who is-

[39:51] Who is just comic relief.

[39:52] He's just like this functionary character.

[39:53] He's a constant-

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] Bureaucratic functionary.

[39:55] But he's the constant tag-along stowaway who is useless and just kind of is like,

[39:59] what do I do here?

[40:01] I would just, hmm.

[40:03] Here we go again.

[40:04] Exactly.

[40:04] He manages by touching this orb to activate it.

[40:07] And the orb turns on and goes, oh, I recognize your organic signature.

[40:11] You're humans.

[40:11] I learned your primitive language.

[40:13] Anyway, I'm from this planet where survivors of the aliens go.

[40:16] Here's what they do.

[40:17] They steal cores.

[40:18] This is our refugee planet.

[40:19] We've got all this technology and stuff.

[40:21] Anywho, you've got to protect me.

[40:22] It is the most blatant exposition dump.

S4

[40:25] And the orb is not even trying to put it across.

[40:28] It is just, it might have well used just like a text-to-speech program.

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] And don't worry.

[40:33] It's exciting because the orb is a giant white ball with a black line in the middle.

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] So it's, the visual productions are astounding.

[40:42] But so what they find out is if the alien queen finds this orb,

[40:46] then the alien queen is going to learn the location of the refugee planet.

[40:50] And that's it for any civilization that's not evil aliens.

Stuart Wellington

[40:53] It's basically like in the Matrix when the Matrix robots find out where,

[40:58] what is it?

[40:59] Is it Babylon?

[41:00] What the fuck do they call the place where all the humans live?

[41:03] Is it called Zion?

[41:04] No, it's Zion.

[41:05] Right.

S4

[41:06] It's the same thing.

[41:07] Babylon and Zion are the exact opposite.

[41:09] No, that's not what I meant.

[41:10] They're literally the exact opposite concepts.

Stuart Wellington

[41:13] No, but I mean the thing from the Matrix is the same as the thing from this.

Elliott Kalan

[41:16] Yeah, I guess so.

[41:18] Or it's the same as in the X-Files when it turned out there were rebel aliens

[41:21] fighting the evil conspiracy aliens, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[41:23] And if you, and the evil, wait, I don't, just keep going.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] The evil aliens will give you the black oil.

[41:30] The rebel aliens had their faces melted shut so the black oil couldn't get in them.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] So were the evil aliens trying to find out the secret base of the rebel aliens so they

[41:39] could wipe it all out?

[41:40] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] Same as in Star Wars or whatever.

[41:43] Oh, right.

[41:44] Star Wars.

[41:45] Star killer base.

[41:47] Now that I've been activated, the alien queen will notice my radiation and they go,

[41:51] and Jeff Goldblum puts his fingers together as Jeff Goldblum does.

S4

[41:54] Huh.

[41:54] Hmm.

[41:55] Ah.

[41:55] Fascinating.

[41:56] Interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[41:58] Perhaps if we could set up a trap.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] Is that your Jeff Goldblum from Earth Girls are easy impression?

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] That would be like, ee-haw, gong, gong, gong, gong.

[42:08] If we set up a trap here, perhaps we could do to them what they did.

[42:16] To us, hmm, hmm, hmm, a bit, Brundle Fly, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, Ernie Koufax.

[42:22] Other roles that he's played, you know.

[42:24] Let's go fast, yes.

[42:26] So now there's a couple, there's two different.

Stuart Wellington

[42:28] So they're like, we need somebody to lead the aliens over here.

Elliott Kalan

[42:31] We're going to create this box that gives off the same signal as the orb.

[42:35] We need someone to go on a suicide mission.

[42:38] An orb box.

[42:38] To bring it out into the desert, and then when the alien queen gets to it, set off a cold fusion nuke.

[42:44] So that, which is something we have now.

[42:45] Love it, yeah.

[42:46] And destroy it, and we'll use one of our TK space shields to control the blast.

[42:53] And the president's daughter's like, I'll do it.

[42:55] Sounds good to me.

[42:55] They're like, hey, it's no dumber a plan than when we just threw a hundred ships at it and expected them to do the job.

[43:03] And the president's daughter's like, I'll do it.

[43:04] And the president goes, no.

[43:06] And he's shaved his beard.

[43:07] That's how you know it's serious.

[43:08] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[43:08] It's like Bruce Wayne in the beginning of Dark Knight Returns when he shaves his mustache off, and you're like, shit, he's going to be Batman again.

[43:13] Mm-hmm.

[43:14] He's shaved off his beard.

[43:15] He's like, I'll do it.

[43:16] I'm the best one for the job.

[43:17] I'm the only one who can do it.

[43:19] He's like, wait a minute.

[43:20] You are at least 30 to 40 years or older than every other one of these pilots.

[43:26] Your eyesight must be shit.

[43:28] You need a walking stick or a cane to walk.

[43:30] Like, your reflexes and your coordination is going to be bad.

[43:33] Like, your bones are probably brittle.

[43:36] You just shaved, so your face is all sensitive.

[43:38] Mm-hmm.

[43:39] You are the worst person to fly this mission.

Stuart Wellington

[43:41] So whenever he gets near aliens, he starts to freak out, and his head hurts.

[43:47] Yes.

[43:47] And they potentially can take control of his body.

[43:49] You don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] And they should have been like, dude, your speeches are the only thing that motivates people to fight aliens.

Stuart Wellington

[43:54] If we lose you, another alien attack comes.

[43:57] We found out a lot of the information about the aliens from the time the president snuck into a secret chamber,

[44:04] released an alien that was in captivity, and let the alien choke him out for a while and inhabit his brain.

[44:10] Yeah.

[44:10] Which was crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[44:11] Oh, yeah, the Area 51 secret alien prison.

[44:14] Yeah.

[44:16] Anywho, he gets into that space tow truck with the thing in it and the bombs, goes off to the desert.

[44:22] Meanwhile, Judd Hirsch, we haven't talked about him in a while, he is trying to get to his son at Area 51.

[44:27] They haven't talked in a while.

Dan McCoy

[44:29] And he picks up—

[44:30] He makes a big deal about that because we haven't forgotten that he's Jewish, so he has to always be nudging his son about things.

Elliott Kalan

[44:36] He has gotten so much more Jewish.

[44:38] In the first movie, he was like, he's just a Jewish guy.

[44:42] In this one, I swear—

[44:43] Hey, I'm just a Jewish guy, huh?

[44:45] His accent has gotten so much more old world.

[44:48] It's like, wait a minute.

[44:49] So, are you from the old country?

S4

[44:51] Like, what's going on?

[44:52] Do I love him?

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] For 25 years, I've slept with him, fought with him, starved with him.

[45:01] 25 years, my bed is his.

[45:04] If that's not love, what is?

S4

[45:07] Then you love me.

Elliott Kalan

[45:10] This is really a flop house that does Broadway.

[45:12] I do.

[45:14] And I suppose I love you, too.

[45:19] It doesn't change a thing.

[45:22] But even so, after 25 years, da-da-da-da.

[45:30] That's the arrangement from the movie.

[45:32] It's nice to know.

[45:35] So, the weird thing is the difference between—

S4

[45:37] What have we left?

[45:39] Nothing much.

[45:40] Only Anna Terka.

[45:42] 76 trombones led the big parade.

[45:44] We had to go to the most goyish musical there is.

Stuart Wellington

[45:48] It was fun to see the difference between when Elliot sings his letter songs and Stuart and Dan check their phones or just moan.

[45:58] And that performance where we're like, oh, yeah, we like that thing.

S4

[46:01] You're enraptured.

[46:01] Well, it's a beautiful song from a great show.

[46:04] So, Judd Hirsch has picked up literally a school bus full of children.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] He's like, let's drive them into danger.

[46:10] And he's driving across the desert to Area 51.

[46:13] And the alien mothership shows up.

[46:15] Humans shoot it down.

[46:16] Oh, no, the plan works.

[46:18] Bill Pullman sacrifices life, blows it up.

[46:20] But, uh-oh, the alien queen emerges.

[46:23] She had her own shield.

[46:24] And she is 50 feet tall, 60 feet tall.

[46:28] And this is where the movie, to be honest, I really started enjoying.

S4

[46:32] Because you have a giant alien running through the desert just batting down jet fighters with her hands.

Elliott Kalan

[46:38] And that—well, part of it is that—

[46:39] And holding a laser gun that must be 300 feet long.

Stuart Wellington

[46:42] Yeah, but it's the exact same design as the other.

S4

[46:46] It was just like they took it and used an embiggening ray and just made it bigger.

[46:50] But it also—

[46:50] Honey, I blew up the laser gun.

Stuart Wellington

[46:51] You know what made it fun is that this whole scene of the alien queen galloping across the white sand dunes is one of the rare scenes that has a fair amount of difference in color tones.

[47:05] Yes.

[47:05] You're not just in this, like, super dark, super dank-ass, like, moist weed pile.

Elliott Kalan

[47:13] Well, you're either in a wet, swampy mothership or you're in an underground bunker.

[47:17] There's very little natural light in this movie.

[47:19] And we forgot to mention that the humans that are trapped in the bunker, they manage to steal some alien ships through the diversion of the Hemsworth just peeing in front of a bunch of aliens.

[47:29] And they're so appalled by this that I guess they can't take their eyes off of it and see the other humans getting into the ships.

S4

[47:34] Why would a being just get rid of fluid like that?

[47:37] That's valuable moisture.

[47:39] We recycle it for our in-spaceship swamps.

Dan McCoy

[47:43] Hemsworth is now on the alien sex offenders list.

[47:47] Yeah, for exposing himself.

[47:49] For public exposure.

Elliott Kalan

[47:49] Well, he has to show up in alien small claims court for his ticket for public urination.

Dan McCoy

[47:54] He has to knock on every spaceship and tell them that he's living in the neighborhood.

Elliott Kalan

[47:59] I would have loved it if they were going through that alien rice paddy swamp and there's a bunch of, like, alien hick swamp people.

Stuart Wellington

[48:05] Well, like alien slaves from other races that they've enslaved.

[48:09] That would have been great.

[48:09] Well, that would have been cool.

[48:10] That's basically a scene from Prophet.

[48:12] Yeah, that's true.

S4

[48:14] I was thinking more along the lines of, like, even within the alien ship, there's this hierarchy of, like, there's the sophisticated aliens and then there's, like, the country cousins who hang out in the swamp area and just live in shacks hunting nutria.

Dan McCoy

[48:25] Playing banjos.

S4

[48:27] I don't believe in alien queens.

[48:30] I want to vote for alien billionaire man.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] I'm living off the grid in this mothership.

[48:35] Sure.

[48:36] But anyway, the alien queen's just glumping through the desert and everyone's shooting missiles at her and laser beams.

[48:43] The president's daughter's finally shooting things in her jet plane.

[48:48] And eventually they blow up the alien queen and her armor splits open and her gooey body flies out.

[48:55] Now, that was great.

Stuart Wellington

[48:56] Not only was this a giant alien monster running around on the white sands of, what, New Mexico?

Elliott Kalan

[49:03] Yep, like Anthony Hopkins in The World's Fastest Indian.

[49:05] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[49:07] But when this alien queen dies, it squirts out all kinds of juice all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] Because as you remember, the aliens are shell bodies with, like, moist, fleshy, their real selves inside.

[49:21] Yeah, it's like a tiny little turd in there.

[49:23] Because you know what it is?

[49:24] It's like they're afraid to be vulnerable.

[49:26] Yeah.

[49:26] And that's, if anything, that's worse than being vulnerable.

Stuart Wellington

[49:30] You know what's weird is why did the humans, when they put them aliens in jail, why did they put them in jail in that armor?

S4

[49:37] Why did they leave them in armor?

[49:38] The same way that in old comic books you'll see the bad guy in his costume in a jail cell.

[49:42] And you're like, this guy's powers are completely wrong on the tech in his suit.

[49:46] Why didn't you take that off of him?

[49:47] Why would you put the shocker in his costume in a cell?

[49:50] Because there's literally, in the first appearance of the vulture, the last panel, I think, is him in a jail cell in his costume.

[49:56] And it's like, you know he has no power.

[49:58] He's just an old man, right?

[49:59] Take that costume off of him.

[50:01] If you take the scorpion's tail off his body, he's just a weird bald guy.

Stuart Wellington

[50:05] He is, I think, surgically attached to that tail.

[50:08] That would be horrible to remove it from him.

[50:10] But those are the lengths we're going to have to take.

S4

[50:13] There's a book, there's a little golden book that Sammy has that's Marvel superhero characters.

[50:19] And there's a scene where the Avengers are taking Ultron to jail.

[50:22] And Ultron's got his hands behind him like they're handcuffed.

[50:25] And he's got his look on his face like, and they're just pushing him.

[50:27] And it's like, this takes a lot of the mystique away from Ultron if they can just frog march him into a jail cell.

[50:34] Anywho, maybe they powered him down.

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] So at the same time, that nerdy guy we were talking about before.

[50:39] That's basically killing him, though, right?

[50:41] I guess so.

[50:41] That nerdy guy we were talking about before, he's befriended the African warlord who's macheted some aliens together.

[50:47] And he's turned into an alien shooting badass who uses lasers to shoot them.

[50:51] Brent Spiner has seen his boyfriend, his life partner, die in front of his eyes, which has given him grief rage abilities, which make him an excellent marksman at shooting aliens with lasers.

Dan McCoy

[51:00] Again, one of the only scenes that had any emotional impact.

[51:04] Although then Brent Spiner in the very next scene went back to just being excited to be talking to this orb.

[51:08] I mean, wouldn't you be?

Stuart Wellington

[51:09] It's a cool orb.

[51:10] But it's...

[51:11] And so anyway, long story short.

[51:13] So wait a minute.

[51:14] You're saying the scene that had emotional impact was when Brent Spiner picked up an alien rifle and he's like,

[51:19] Whoa!

[51:21] And he just started blasting all the aliens as they're like, I guess we're just going to start filing through the door into a hail of withering laser fire.

S4

[51:27] This is one of those movies too where the aliens are brilliant tactical soldiers until it's time for them to start losing.

[51:35] And then they're the keystone cops bumbling into each other and knocking each other down.

Elliott Kalan

[51:40] Everyone blows up everything.

[51:43] And Brent Spiner shows up.

Dan McCoy

[51:45] That was the Taiwanese title for this movie actually.

Elliott Kalan

[51:49] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:49] Chinua Chebe's Everything Blows Up Everything.

[51:51] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[51:55] The day has been saved.

[51:56] Earth is once again free even though it's maybe a billion people less than it was before.

[52:02] And they're like, we did it.

[52:05] Oh, that's pretty good.

[52:06] And Brent, everyone kisses.

[52:07] Everyone has a partner to kiss.

[52:10] Because like a Shakespeare play, it ends with the reassertion of societal norms and couples coming together in the natural order of things.

Stuart Wellington

[52:20] I half expected the woman from Alien vs. Predator and the predator from Alien vs. Predator to show up and kiss each other at that point.

[52:28] There was a point where both Stuart and I said...

S4

[52:30] Judd Hirsch turns around and kisses the bus.

[52:33] If that nerdy bureaucrat kisses that African warlord, this is the best movie ever made.

Elliott Kalan

[52:39] I mean, there was also...

[52:40] That fact that there was a gay relationship in it was nice to have.

[52:44] But I was like...

[52:45] We were saying...

[52:46] So Will Smith's son in the movie...

[52:48] It's not really his son, but the character's son.

[52:49] And the Hemsworth are old friends who had a falling out because one guy caused trouble for the other one in training.

[52:55] And that friendship, nothing has ever really made much of it.

[53:00] And it would have been so much more powerful if they had been lovers and had had a falling out.

[53:04] And it's like, oh yeah, this is now.

[53:06] This is 20 years since the last one.

[53:09] Like, they're two openly gay guys who were both in the military and their relationship part.

Stuart Wellington

[53:13] Well, and part of the strain would be that they were lovers at one point and now he's engaged to the former president's daughter.

[53:19] Yeah.

[53:19] That's going to cause some spice to this pot.

[53:22] This is a new side of you that I'm not used to seeing.

Elliott Kalan

[53:25] Yeah.

[53:25] But that doesn't happen.

[53:26] They're just old pals.

[53:28] They're old friends just like Simon and Garfunkel who hate each other now.

[53:32] Brent Spiner goes up to, I don't know, Jeff Goldblum and is like, hey, I was just talking to this orb.

[53:37] We're going to do some, they want us to lead the resistance against the big aliens.

[53:42] Get ready for some interstellar travel.

[53:44] And I think the last line is literally, we're going to kick some big alien ass.

[53:48] Cut to credits.

[53:49] And it was like, the movie is begging you to ask for a third one where you see that happening.

S4

[53:54] But it was like, I'm good.

Dan McCoy

[53:56] But also like, with the fact that like, there is not going to be a third one probably based on the middling performance of this.

[54:04] That's the wackiest end for a movie.

[54:07] It's like the end of, oh, no, it's just like, now we're going to go beat them up.

Elliott Kalan

[54:12] Cut.

[54:13] It's like the ending of the Super Mario Brothers movie where they're like, well, we did it.

[54:18] And then Princess Peach shows up with a big laser and is like, or maybe it's a big automatic weapon.

[54:22] It's like, you guys, we need your help.

[54:24] There's a bigger problem.

[54:26] And it says to be continued.

S4

[54:27] Never made a sequel.

[54:28] Don't know what that was all about.

[54:29] I have to assume they failed.

[54:31] And that's why no one made a movie about it.

[54:33] Well, it's like.

[54:34] Mario and Luigi's heads are adorning the castle parapets of Bowser Jr.

Dan McCoy

[54:39] It's like how originally Back to the Future, originally the end of Back to the Future was just meant to be the end of Back to the Future.

[54:45] They were not going to make sequels.

[54:47] So when he comes in, he's like, Marty, you got to come with me.

[54:50] We got to save your kids.

[54:51] Yeah.

S4

[54:52] Where we're going, we don't need roads.

[54:55] Yeah.

[54:55] Well, we do much of the time, actually.

[54:57] I exaggerated.

[54:59] In the future, cars can fly, but we do still have land-based roads.

Dan McCoy

[55:02] And we've got sky roads, too, because we need to have some sort of air traffic control.

Elliott Kalan

[55:08] We need some sort of traffic pattern or else cars are just flying willy-nilly.

[55:11] Also, quick note, I should have told you this ahead of time, you can't hover over water unless you've got power.

[55:17] I don't know what it means either, but everyone says it around here.

[55:20] Also, remember Max Headroom?

[55:22] I didn't think you would.

[55:22] It's huge.

Stuart Wellington

[55:24] And there's a magical sports almanac that gives somebody superpowers.

S4

[55:31] I don't know if that's exactly what happened.

Stuart Wellington

[55:32] It grabs onto it and he says, power of sports.

[55:36] Klaatu, Barata, Niktu or some shit.

[55:40] And then a bunch of robots show up.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] And then, uh-oh.

[55:45] Vampires.

[55:46] So we are left hanging on an adventure into space that will most likely never happen.

[55:52] Where it's just Brent Spiner, Jeff Goldblum, Judd Hirsch and the gang.

Stuart Wellington

[55:57] It's so great that every character that's, it's basically every character from the movie shows up.

[56:02] They're standing outside and outside in this movie means on a soundstage.

[56:07] Yeah.

[56:08] So obviously.

[56:09] On a green screen soundstage.

[56:11] On a Sydney Green Street soundstage.

[56:13] Yeah, they're not at a fucking soundstage and you can see boom mics and fucking giant lights hanging out.

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] Just flats piled up behind them.

Stuart Wellington

[56:21] Basically.

[56:23] Minnesota flats.

[56:23] Like they basically all are like, wait a minute, we can go to outer space and fight some aliens?

[56:29] Why not?

[56:30] And they all like give each other like high fives and thumbs up and crack some fucking beers.

[56:35] It's like the end of it.

[56:36] And you're like, simmer down, dudes.

[56:38] You guys just had a fucking crazy adventure.

[56:40] There were lives lost.

[56:41] Why don't we take a second to regroup?

Elliott Kalan

[56:43] Let's take a second to remember that the world is in chaos right now and the Earth's governments have been decimated.

Stuart Wellington

[56:50] Let's set up.

[56:51] You can control them with an iron fist now that you have the omnipresent threat of alien invasion.

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] And also because you can channel your chi into your fist to make it as hard as iron, Danny Rand.

[57:03] You learned it in Kun Lun, The Hidden City.

Dan McCoy

[57:06] Sure.

[57:06] Coming soon to Netflix.

[57:08] All right.

[57:09] Come on, guys.

[57:11] We're playing the game where you don't know the reference.

[57:13] It's time to do our final judgments on this movie.

[57:18] Whether it was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[57:24] Stuart, I see you pawing at your beer sadly because it's gone.

[57:28] What do you have to say about this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[57:30] Like a Stuart with a beer that's gone.

[57:34] I felt kind of empty after finishing this movie.

[57:38] There was not a ton to it.

[57:40] It moved at a super good clip.

[57:43] I was hoping that there was going to be more wacky shit and there was a lot of stupid, terrible crap.

[57:48] It's a very dumb movie.

[57:51] But I mean, I like the scene where the alien was like galloping around being a crazy giant alien queen.

[57:58] Maybe it was a good bad movie.

[58:00] It's so close to just a bad bad to a good bad.

Elliott Kalan

[58:03] I am going to go out on an alien sized limb, a 3,000 mile limb, and say that for the wrong reasons, this is a movie I kind of liked.

[58:13] And I'll tell you why.

[58:14] It felt like I was watching a movie made out of the cut scenes of a game that I wasn't playing.

[58:21] Like I just put in the cut scene mode.

[58:23] Or I was watching someone.

[58:25] I was watching like there's some Japanese TV show that ran for 13 episodes.

[58:30] But they are going to distribute it in American theaters as a movie and try to chop it down to two hours.

[58:35] It moved so fast and it was so dumb and it was so overpacked with nonsense.

[58:39] And by the time that alien, the giant alien queen was running around the desert, I was like, all right movie, you're super stupid, but I'm enjoying myself.

[58:47] See, on a genuine level, like not on an ironic level, on like this is genuine garbage that I'm enjoying.

[58:54] In many ways, more than the first one because it was 10 times stupider, 10 times faster.

[59:00] And every time I started getting bored, something else would happen.

[59:04] The one thing I didn't like were the scenes where the gravity was destroying whole cities and stuff like that.

Stuart Wellington

[59:11] Oh, you don't like that?

[59:12] You don't like seeing all of humans' achievements just decimated by stupid aliens?

Elliott Kalan

[59:17] I found that genuinely troubling.

[59:19] And it may just be that I've had like a pit in my stomach since last night.

Dan McCoy

[59:23] I think we're all working through some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] Yeah, but it was like I found that genuinely displeasing and troubling.

[59:29] But there was something like I really enjoyed about watching that alien queen running through the desert with that blue sky behind it and the white sand underneath it.

[59:37] And you're like, keep running, you beauty.

S4

[59:40] Keep running, running, you know, breaking away.

Elliott Kalan

[59:43] Breaking away to electric alien boogaloo.

[59:46] But they're like, and it was the only well choreographed action scene of the whole movie where I knew where the fighter jets were in comparison to the alien.

[59:53] And as stupid as it was, like, that scene worked for me.

[59:57] So I'm going to say I kind of like this movie even though it is dumb.

[1:00:00] It's dumb as a bag of sticks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:01] And I feel like, you know, they did try and sneak in a couple of like inspiring, bullshit inspiring speeches.

[1:00:08] But they didn't go on that long.

[1:00:10] No.

[1:00:11] So you don't feel like, like, come on guys, fuck off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:14] The first Independence Day had a little bit of the trouble that Olympus Has Fallen has where it's like, you guys know this didn't happen, right?

[1:00:21] Like, this is all fictional and I'm not going to have a real emotional response to Earth freeing itself from aliens in this way because this is not a real battle that happened.

[1:00:30] This movie, not for a moment.

[1:00:32] Was it trying to create any emotional resonance?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:35] It's a strong stance against all of fiction.

[1:00:38] Well, no.

[1:00:39] You're like, don't try and trick me, movie.

[1:00:41] None of this ever happened.

[1:00:43] I'm not going to have an emotional response.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] No, no.

[1:00:45] When a movie has the genuine emotional heft, to have an emotional response is one thing.

[1:00:49] But when it's a dumb action movie, but they're going to have a scene in it where they're like, damn it, you're going to be proud of America for the way we handled this alien invasion.

[1:01:00] Like, uh, I'm going to save that for when I watch a movie about a real thing or a movie that is about characters that I feel about, you know, as opposed like, but this movie, not for a moment.

[1:01:10] It was like, you want some dumb stuff?

S4

[1:01:12] Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[1:01:15] But wait, the moment when you see it.

[1:01:17] And now we're going to tease the dumbest movie ever made.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:20] What about the scene where you see a bunch of Tibetan monks sitting around on an old radio and they're like listening into the president have a private conversation with his joint chiefs of staff?

S4

[1:01:28] Yeah, even that seemed pretty, pretty phoned in.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:32] You guys have jabbered on a long time, so I'm just going to quickly say.

[1:01:36] Good, great, Dan's favorite.

[1:01:38] I can't go with you guys.

[1:01:42] To the ball?

[1:01:43] I had more fun watching this than a lot of bad, bad movies, but I still feel like the movie cut out everything that could have given me any reason to care about any of the characters.

[1:01:55] And I don't know whether, I don't know, I actually guess I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing because the fact that they cut all that shit out meant that the movie went so fast.

[1:02:05] But at the same time, I couldn't care less about anything that happened in the movie.

[1:02:11] I will say that on the Emmerich scale, it's better than like.

[1:02:17] Which is what, how they measure farts?

[1:02:18] Yeah.

[1:02:19] It's better than schlock like 10,000 BC or Godzilla.

[1:02:23] I liked stupider movies, I think, even in this, like 2012 more than it.

[1:02:29] I still haven't seen 2012, yeah.

[1:02:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:32] I lived it four years ago.

S5

[1:02:39] What movies should I go see this weekend?

[1:02:42] Should I care about the Emmys?

S4

[1:02:44] Is this meme already dead?

[1:02:46] Is VR cool?

[1:02:47] What happened to choose your own adventure book?

[1:02:49] Are the Kardashians for real?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:51] For answers to these questions and so much more, come on over to Pop Rocket, a pop culture roundtable show with me, Guy Branum.

[1:02:58] Winter Mitchell.

[1:02:59] Margaret Wappler.

[1:03:00] And Oliver Wang.

[1:03:01] Catch us every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you decide to get your podcasts.

[1:03:06] I'm not going to judge.

[1:03:12] Before we get into sponsors, we have an exciting announcement, which is on Saturday, February 11th, Maximum Fun.

[1:03:21] You know them.

[1:03:21] That's our podcasting network.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:23] Yeah, there's a ton of great shows.

[1:03:24] Lots of great podcasts are home, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:26] They're bringing something called Very, Very Fun Day to Chicago's Thalia Hall for an unforgettable day of laughs.

[1:03:34] BFD, as I'm calling it, will feature the Maximum Fun Podcast, Judge Jean Hodgman.

[1:03:42] Boo.

[1:03:43] You said that very French.

[1:03:44] Judge Jean Hodgman.

[1:03:45] Jordan.

[1:03:46] Oh, and also Boo.

[1:03:47] Jordan Jesse Go.

[1:03:48] Yay.

[1:03:49] Us, The Flophouse.

[1:03:50] Ooh.

[1:03:51] Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

[1:03:53] Yay.

[1:03:54] Tights and Fights.

[1:03:55] And Stop Podcasting Yourself.

[1:03:57] Awesome.

[1:03:58] Along with other festivities, including local podcasts, The Nerdette, Friendshipping, and Reclaimed Soul.

[1:04:05] And stand-up comedy sets from local comics, Q&As, and more, all spread across Thalia Hall's three spaces.

[1:04:12] Tickets will be on sale Friday, November 11th.

[1:04:15] That'll be the day before this is dropping, actually, so they will be on sale.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] Right now.

[1:04:20] So if they're not already sold out, you've got to get on it, because that's a really good...

[1:04:24] That's a great lineup.

[1:04:25] That's a great lineup.

[1:04:26] There's regular tickets, there's VIP tickets, which, at the very least, give you guaranteed seating in the balconies.

[1:04:32] Guaranteed sex with any of the hosts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:34] Wow.

[1:04:35] If they're named Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:37] Guaranteed sex with any of the hosts sounds like a really bad Showtime series.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:42] So that's what date is it?

[1:04:43] February 11th?

[1:04:45] February 11th in Chicago.

[1:04:47] 2017.

[1:04:48] If you live in Chicago or the Chicagoland area, watch out for that.

[1:04:52] I'll put up a link on the website to where you can buy tickets.

[1:04:56] If I forget to do that, just go to MaximumFun.org.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:59] I think we're...

[1:04:59] Are we doing a riff show or are we doing a live?

[1:05:02] We're doing a riff show.

[1:05:03] One of our rare riff shows.

[1:05:05] So we're going to be screening a movie, we're going to be making jokes, and it will not be recorded for posterity.

[1:05:10] No.

[1:05:11] It's one of those things that millennials love where you're paying for the experience as opposed to a product or an object.

S4

[1:05:19] I mean, it's called theater, I guess.

[1:05:20] I don't know what it is.

[1:05:21] It's called most things.

[1:05:23] Yeah, like that.

[1:05:24] Most things.

[1:05:25] Like every human experience before 100 years ago, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:29] But yeah, it should be a lot of fun.

[1:05:30] We're going to be blowing a lot of laughs in the windy city.

[1:05:33] And there's nothing more pleasant than Chicago in February.

[1:05:37] I kind of like Chicago Winters because they really test you.

[1:05:41] I mean, I...

Dan McCoy

[1:05:42] All right.

[1:05:43] I mean, I...

[1:05:44] Also famed comedian, Chicago Winters.

[1:05:46] I feel like...

[1:05:48] I mean, I come from Illinois, so I know that there's this very special...

S4

[1:05:51] Come from the land of the ice and snow, Illinois.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:54] I know that there's a very special kind of frigid that the center of the country achieves.

[1:06:01] But also here in New York, we have some pretty miserable winters.

[1:06:05] And I have enough...

[1:06:06] I've had enough suffering through Winters to...

[1:06:10] It's no longer a novelty for me.

S4

[1:06:11] Pulling Arthur C. Clarke and move to wherever he lived.

[1:06:13] Bangladesh or Sri Lanka or something.

[1:06:16] Yeah.

[1:06:17] Sounds good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:17] You can write a bunch of books about robots.

[1:06:20] And enjoy wearing a fucking sarong all the time.

S4

[1:06:24] All of this sounds great to me.

[1:06:25] Put a nice bucket on your head like Dr. Moreau.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:27] All of this sounds great.

[1:06:29] I'm in a warm climate.

[1:06:31] I'm writing about robots, which is fun.

[1:06:33] I'm wearing loose-fitting, comfortable clothes.

S4

[1:06:37] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:06:38] And go sit on a piano and have your little version of you playing a smaller piano on top of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:43] No man can judge you, nor beast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:47] You're the giver of the law, not the reader of the law.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:53] But yeah, that'll be a fun trip.

[1:06:54] So very, very fun day.

[1:06:55] We're all looking forward to it.

[1:06:56] Yeah, it'll be nice.

[1:06:58] But we do have some sponsors for the show.

[1:07:04] The Flophouse.

[1:07:04] Sponsor time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:07] Thanks for that jingle.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:10] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by ZipRecruiter.

[1:07:15] Are you hiring?

[1:07:17] Yes.

[1:07:18] Ask Dan, seriously.

[1:07:21] Can you help me?

[1:07:22] Yes.

[1:07:23] Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

[1:07:27] No, that's what you're here for.

[1:07:31] You can't find the quality candidates by just posting your job in one place.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:35] That would be absurd.

[1:07:36] That's true.

[1:07:36] We had a terrible luck with using one specific place.

S4

[1:07:40] Well, we were mostly writing it on the walls of one urinal.

[1:07:43] And urinals don't really have walls.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:45] You wrote it on the back of those Dan Stevens will play your guitar or whatever it is.

[1:07:51] Dan Stevens will play your guitar.

[1:07:53] Is Dan Stevens the guy from down to have you?

[1:07:54] We'll play your guitar.

[1:07:56] Yeah, because it's, we'll teach you guitar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:58] We'll teach you guitar.

[1:07:59] So is it Dan Stevens before he got the chin implant or after he got the chin implant?

[1:08:04] After.

[1:08:05] Okay.

[1:08:06] Yeah.

[1:08:06] I want to see, I'll look at his back and see the thing I wrote on it.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:10] Now that he's got a chin implant, he puts it under his chin like a violin.

[1:08:15] That's how he plays the guitar.

[1:08:17] I feel like we might be off the topic of zip recruiting.

[1:08:19] Oh, okay.

[1:08:19] Sorry.

[1:08:21] The point is you can't just post your job in one place.

[1:08:24] If you want to find the perfect hire, you need to post your job on all of the top job sites.

[1:08:29] And with ZipRecruiter, you can.

[1:08:31] With ZipRecruiter.com, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites.

[1:08:36] Including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter.

[1:08:40] All with a single click.

[1:08:43] So, right now our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free.

[1:08:48] By going to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:08:53] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:08:56] One more time.

[1:08:57] To try it for free.

[1:08:59] Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] Yep.

[1:09:03] Because we're the first house.

[1:09:04] Now, as a small business owner, I can attest that using various internet sites to post jobs can be a real pain in the ass.

[1:09:15] And as somebody who works mainly in the service industry and not on the tech, in the tech field.

[1:09:24] In the tech war?

[1:09:25] Things, I definitely don't work in the tech war.

[1:09:27] Not anymore.

[1:09:28] That was a different, Stuart.

[1:09:29] That was a lifetime ago.

[1:09:30] But the, it's like a lot of that shit is confusing for me.

[1:09:37] And the sites that I used to post on, those aren't the ones that people use anymore.

[1:09:43] Like Fear.com.

[1:09:45] Yep.

[1:09:45] Fear.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:45] Deer Snyder's Strangeland.

[1:09:47] Yep.

[1:09:48] When I post on those.

[1:09:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:49] Thegame.org.

[1:09:50] I get, I usually get like 404 errors and stuff.

[1:09:56] You get a lot of jigsaws flying.

[1:09:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:09:59] I get, uh, I get responses with links to geocities.

[1:10:03] Geocities.

[1:10:04] Or is it geocities?

[1:10:05] I can't, I don't know.

[1:10:06] I assume it was geocities, but I don't know that no one ever officially introduced me.

S4

[1:10:11] The geocity ratings are off the chart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:14] Oh no, man.

[1:10:15] Turn the lights off.

[1:10:20] Somebody call the parents and tell them not to come home.

[1:10:23] Um, so yeah, use ZipRecruiter.

[1:10:27] Why not?

[1:10:28] Uh, why not?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:30] Why not indeed?

[1:10:32] A powerful endorsement.

[1:10:34] The second, uh, second spot for tonight.

[1:10:38] The Flophouse is supported in part by Squarespace.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:43] Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:44] Whether you need a landing page, a beautiful gallery, a professional blog, or an online store,

[1:10:50] it's all included with your Squarespace website.

[1:10:53] Uh, Dan, may I have a question?

[1:10:55] Yeah.

S4

[1:10:56] No!

[1:10:57] No!

[1:10:57] I have a website I'm trying to get off the ground.

[1:11:00] Okay.

[1:11:00] And I want to know if Squarespace would be able to help me.

[1:11:03] Okay.

[1:11:04] Now it's-

[1:11:04] The answer is probably yes, but go on.

[1:11:06] Now it's called keepamoldy.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:08] And it's to help you keep things moldy.

[1:11:11] Okay.

[1:11:11] Your basement, maybe your clothes, if you don't dry them properly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:15] For a second I was really concerned that it was keepamoldy, and I'm like, I already

[1:11:20] got that fucking website.

[1:11:22] So I'm glad that you changed it up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:24] No, it's keepitmoldy.com.

[1:11:26] Now, here's my pitch.

[1:11:27] We all love mold.

[1:11:28] Who doesn't?

[1:11:29] It's soft.

[1:11:30] It smells good.

[1:11:31] It makes cheeses.

[1:11:32] It's full of nutrition.

[1:11:33] Makes cheese right there wherever you want it to.

[1:11:36] But sometimes it's hard to keep it moldy, you know?

[1:11:38] We're all just trying to keep it moldy in this world.

[1:11:40] And this, today, it's harder than ever in America to keep it moldy.

[1:11:44] Yeah.

[1:11:44] So my site is kind of like tips, different ideas about things you can do with mold.

[1:11:49] I mean, are most of the tips just make it damp?

[1:11:53] So you've seen the site.

[1:11:54] I mean, I'm familiar with your work.

[1:11:56] So I want to host it, and I want people to be able to look at it on their phone, on their

[1:11:59] iPad, on their laptop, wherever they need to keep something moldy.

[1:12:02] Maybe they're in a basement.

[1:12:03] They don't want to carry a laptop with them.

[1:12:05] Just look on their phone, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:06] Is there a section called Dank Tips on how to keep things nice and dank and damp?

[1:12:14] Yes.

[1:12:14] And those tips.

S4

[1:12:15] There is a section called that.

[1:12:17] Did you look at my proposal?

[1:12:19] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:20] Is there a leak?

[1:12:21] Of marriage.

[1:12:21] Is there corporate sabotage at work here?

[1:12:24] Because here at Moldco, we take our corporate secrets very seriously.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:30] Well, you know, this sort of a...

[1:12:33] How can LA take advantage of Squarespace?

[1:12:35] Yeah, for keepitmoldy.com.

[1:12:38] It's easy.

[1:12:39] You can create your website with Squarespace.

[1:12:41] With a simple, intuitive process, you can add and arrange your content and features with

[1:12:45] the click of a mouse.

[1:12:47] Squarespace makes it easy to add a domain to your site.

[1:12:50] Keepitmoldy.com.

[1:12:51] If you sign up for a year, you'll receive a custom domain for free.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:55] So don't come up biz or org?

S4

[1:12:57] I mean, I want...

[1:12:58] The .com is really where it's at.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:59] You're already off most people's radar if you have the other ones.

[1:13:02] Maybe like keepitmoldy.xxx, but that's a different type of stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:05] Yeah, if you get the link to like .biz, you're like, fuck this.

[1:13:08] You're like, is this even real?

S4

[1:13:10] .pizza, is that real?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:11] Yeah, if I click on that...

[1:13:13] Am I going to have to eat a whole pizza?

[1:13:16] Is that what I'm signing myself up for?

S4

[1:13:18] Or my money back?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:20] There is a .pizza, right?

S4

[1:13:22] Eat a whole pizza or your money back.

[1:13:24] We got to change the promotion.

[1:13:26] People are just leaving a little bit of pizza over and we got to give them the money back.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:35] It's not important.

[1:13:35] Are you laughing because you've never heard somebody do an Italian accent and say it's talking about pizza before?

[1:13:41] I'm just like, why is he talking all funny?

[1:13:44] Wait a minute.

[1:13:44] I guess Italian people do make pizzas.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:47] Is that how elves sound?

[1:13:49] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:50] Among other things, there's great customer support with Squarespace.

[1:13:54] 24-7 customer support.

[1:13:55] In fact, every member of the customer care team is an experienced Squarespace user working in a Squarespace office.

[1:14:02] Look, I don't need to sell this to you anymore.

[1:14:05] The point is, start your free child today at Squarespace.

[1:14:08] Start your free child today?

[1:14:10] Start your free child today.

[1:14:12] All I have to do is get someone pregnant.

[1:14:13] It's totally free.

[1:14:14] I mean.

[1:14:15] There are many costs.

[1:14:16] Well, afterwards.

[1:14:17] But the pregnancy, the conception is free.

[1:14:21] Sure.

[1:14:21] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:14:22] Yeah.

[1:14:22] Okay.

[1:14:22] Good point.

[1:14:23] Mm-hmm.

S4

[1:14:23] You're right.

[1:14:24] If it costs a lot.

[1:14:25] Start your free child today.

[1:14:26] Adam and Eve would be like, how do we pay for this?

[1:14:28] Money hasn't been invented yet.

[1:14:29] Can we trade apples?

[1:14:31] With more ribs?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:31] Snake scales?

[1:14:32] I only have a certain number of ribs.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:34] If I keep ripping them out.

[1:14:36] You'll be like a real Maryland man zone.

[1:14:41] Continue, Dan.

[1:14:42] Start your free trial today at Squarespace.

[1:14:49] Dot com.

[1:14:50] Slash flop.

[1:14:51] To get 10% off your first purchase.

[1:14:54] That's Squarespace.com slash flop.

[1:14:57] To get 10% off your first purchase.

[1:15:00] And that's keepitmoldy.com to keep them moldy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:02] We're doing a good job keeping these ads pretty tight, guys.

[1:15:05] Yeah.

S4

[1:15:05] How tight and bright.

[1:15:06] The briefest of ads.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:08] Do we have any Jumbotron things, Dan?

[1:15:10] J-j-j-jumbotron.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:12] You know the answer to that.

[1:15:13] You have it right in front of your face.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:14] It's called trying to be natural with a segue, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:16] To give the illusion you still have control over the sinking ship.

[1:15:19] Elliot's trying to set me up, classic T-ball style.

[1:15:22] And I'm going to wind up with the baseball bat like Casey and slug a homerun.

[1:15:27] No, Casey's struck out.

[1:15:29] No, Casey lost.

[1:15:30] I'm going to knock it into next week.

[1:15:32] Like old Casey.

S4

[1:15:33] No, Casey lost.

[1:15:35] Then he started to get on a train and turned into a ghost or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:38] So this message is for Drew, last name withheld.

[1:15:42] Barrymore.

[1:15:42] And the message is from David, last name withheld.

[1:15:47] Boreanus.

[1:15:48] Oh, wow.

[1:15:49] They're an item?

[1:15:50] Okay.

[1:15:50] Or just friends.

[1:15:51] Here's our message.

[1:15:54] Congrats on the new kid.

[1:15:56] Now you have three, which is great because three rocks.

[1:16:01] Ingles.

[1:16:01] Primary colors.

[1:16:02] Primary colors.

[1:16:04] Martian prostitute boobs from the movie Total Recall.

[1:16:07] Story checks out.

[1:16:08] The Holy Trinity.

[1:16:10] Three is central to them all.

[1:16:13] Not to mention, it's the number of original peaches on the world's most important podcast.

[1:16:19] Is this Jumbotron promoting us, I guess?

[1:16:22] Yeah.

[1:16:23] Well, it's promoting this new kid.

[1:16:25] Anyway, anyhow, anywho, may the Lord bless and protect you, and may Neil Breen someday portray you in a film.

[1:16:35] Which is, I think, the highest honor somebody can hope for somebody else to receive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:39] We have another similar Jumbotron message.

[1:16:42] Theme night.

[1:16:44] This is a message for Nathan, Carly, and Baby Milo.

[1:16:47] I think it's Brown's Carly.

[1:16:49] This message is from Mark and Trace, last name withheld, and it goes like this.

[1:16:53] Trace Ballou.

[1:16:55] A huge congratulations.

[1:16:57] I assume it has to be Trace Ballou.

[1:16:58] A huge congratulations to you guys on bringing your new baby into the world.

[1:17:02] I'm hoping that getting the floppers to say, way to go, guys.

[1:17:05] Way to go, guys.

[1:17:08] Is a better gift than baby clothes and diapers.

[1:17:10] If not, I'm sure they'll honor a refund.

[1:17:13] Love you guys.

[1:17:14] And I want to say congratulations to all these people on bringing these new lives into the world.

[1:17:18] Because what's most important in this life?

[1:17:20] Family.

[1:17:21] Truly.

[1:17:22] If this movie, if Independence Day Resurge and taught us anything.

S4

[1:17:26] It's that everybody's somebody's kid.

[1:17:27] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:28] Even if they're not in the movie and we're just in the first one.

S4

[1:17:30] So congratulations to you.

[1:17:31] You're nobody until somebody loved you.

[1:17:32] Thank you, David.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:33] And before we get into letters and whatnot, I just want to shout out that today, the day

[1:17:40] that this episode is coming out is Saturday, November 12th.

[1:17:44] Is that right?

[1:17:45] Does that check out?

[1:17:46] Yes.

[1:17:47] And I just want to say a special shout out to my buddy, Alex Smith, who is a guest on

[1:17:52] this show.

[1:17:53] And he's my co-host on the super popular podcast, Till Deaf Do Us Pu-pu-pu-party, an exploration

[1:18:00] of Def Leppard through the ages.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:02] It is by far the best Def Leppard podcast with the dumbest name.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:07] The hardest to search name.

[1:18:09] That's our podcast.

[1:18:09] Because it's not spelled like those words are spelled.

[1:18:12] And I just want to, the day this episode comes out, he's going to be getting married to

[1:18:18] a girl that is way better than him.

[1:18:21] So he should feel bad about that.

[1:18:23] And I just want to say, if you get a chance to say congratulations to him, you totally should

[1:18:28] because he's an awesome guy.

[1:18:31] Oh.

[1:18:33] Congratulations.

[1:18:34] Congratulations.

[1:18:34] That's what I, it was a call to action, dude.

[1:18:37] And we failed.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:39] See, that's what I'm.

[1:18:39] I congratulated him on a little episode of Till Deaf Do Us Party.

[1:18:44] It's Lepisode.

[1:18:47] I'm not sure whether it'll be out or not by the time this, who knows, but I guessed it

[1:18:52] on an episode.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:53] Oh, wow.

[1:18:54] You just gave everybody a little bit of a peek behind the curtain of a different podcast.

[1:18:59] And that's what our podcast needs more.

[1:19:01] A peek behind the curtain.

[1:19:02] It needs more.

[1:19:02] More crossovers.

S4

[1:19:03] It needs more audience engagement opportunities.

[1:19:07] Sure.

[1:19:07] Well, they could always go and download Presidents for People 2, my series for Audible.

[1:19:11] Do you have a hashtag for that?

[1:19:14] Hashtag Presidents for People 2.

[1:19:15] Oh, okay.

[1:19:16] I guess you could do that.

[1:19:16] Or hashtag P-A-P-T.

[1:19:19] You just did that.

[1:19:21] I couldn't do that.

[1:19:22] Hey, in my line of work.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:24] What's that, five words turning them into just letters?

[1:19:26] Just four words.

[1:19:31] But yes, that's almost five.

[1:19:32] Making an acronym out of four words is pretty, like, I don't know.

[1:19:36] I've had a couple of beers.

[1:19:37] It's late at night.

[1:19:38] I'm impressed.

[1:19:39] Thank you.

[1:19:39] I appreciate that.

[1:19:40] So, Dan, what's the next part of this podcast?

[1:19:42] Oh, I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:43] I was taking a yawning break.

[1:19:44] The next time.

[1:19:47] The next part of this podcast.

S4

[1:19:48] Union rules say we get a yawning break every hour.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:52] The next part of this podcast is letters from listeners.

[1:19:54] Listeners like you?

[1:19:56] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:56] Perhaps.

[1:19:57] Did you write a letter?

[1:19:58] If you did, maybe.

[1:19:59] If not, probably not.

[1:20:01] That's the way letters work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:03] Anyway.

[1:20:04] It's time for the letters.

[1:20:07] Every now and then a letter arrives that you never thought would come.

[1:20:12] Maybe you thought it'd be impossible for this letter to get to you.

[1:20:17] It's not a good letter.

[1:20:19] It's not a letter that you want to read.

[1:20:22] And you know it's going to cause trouble for you.

[1:20:25] Trouble for others.

[1:20:26] Trouble for a lot of things.

[1:20:28] It's a letter that might make you sad.

[1:20:31] It might make you mad.

[1:20:32] It might make you feel bad.

[1:20:35] And then you look at the people you love.

[1:20:38] You look at the world and you realize this is just one of those letters.

[1:20:43] And you'll see plenty of letters.

[1:20:46] There's going to be so many letters.

[1:20:49] So many letters.

[1:20:51] So many letters.

[1:20:52] Someday you'll look at this letter.

[1:20:55] It'll make you shiver to remember this letter.

[1:20:59] To remember the day that you read it.

[1:21:01] But you'll be glad that it's gone now.

[1:21:05] And there have been so many letters since then.

[1:21:07] That this letter can't hurt you at all anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:13] So remember in the early days when L.A. was doing them letters,

[1:21:16] songs and he rhymed letter with a lot of other words.

[1:21:19] Don't do that anymore.

[1:21:19] And now he just rhymes it with letter.

[1:21:20] Reverse.

[1:21:21] Just reverse now.

[1:21:23] I also like the way when Dan set him up,

[1:21:27] L.A. just kind of shrugged his shoulders.

[1:21:28] He's like, fuck it.

[1:21:29] I guess I'll sing a song today.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:31] I never expected.

[1:21:33] I never expected that.

[1:21:34] I mean, I know that sometimes it's just not.

[1:21:35] Sometimes I just don't feel it.

[1:21:36] That one was a metaphor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:37] So it's weird.

[1:21:38] Dan right now is checking Pornhub.

S4

[1:21:41] No, I got a lot.

[1:21:42] Lisa Ann's still the number one rated star.

[1:21:44] Yep.

[1:21:45] Okay.

[1:21:45] So I guess if my work is done,

[1:21:47] got to go.

[1:21:47] Research project over.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:49] I got an email.

[1:21:50] Wow, number one rated.

[1:21:52] Wow.

[1:21:52] She's put in the time, I guess.

S4

[1:21:53] And run by J.D.

[1:21:54] Power and Associates.

[1:21:56] I got it.

[1:21:58] J.D.

[1:21:58] Pornstar and Associates gives Lisa Ann their top rating

[1:22:01] for the third year in a row.

[1:22:03] Wow.

[1:22:03] In fuel efficiency and overall control.

[1:22:08] Oh, actually, wait, wait.

[1:22:12] Reading this now again,

[1:22:13] it seems there's a problem with the brakes on Lisa Ann.

[1:22:16] We're going to have to recall that.

[1:22:18] Oh, boy, this is terrible.

[1:22:19] J.D. Power and Associates are pulling their awards.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:22] She got a lot of mileage out of that Sarah Palin impression she did.

[1:22:27] Very much so, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:28] She did not look that much like Sarah Palin.

S4

[1:22:33] You know what, Dan?

[1:22:34] Wow.

[1:22:34] I am amazed that you are taking umbrage at the accuracy of this porno.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:41] Was she ever a Liz Lemon in a 30 Rock parody skit?

[1:22:47] Probably.

[1:22:47] It would have been called 30 Cock.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:49] And probably.

[1:22:50] Not Dirty Cock?

[1:22:51] No, actually, probably would have been called like 30 Rock XXX a porn parody or something.

[1:22:56] Yeah.

[1:22:56] Because they ran out of imagination.

[1:22:58] Because the world of porn is without imagination these days.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:00] Yeah, because you don't want to read it and be like, 30 Cock, not interested.

[1:23:04] I only want to watch porn.

[1:23:05] That's too many for me.

[1:23:07] Yeah, without the XXX, you're like, I don't know if this is for me.

[1:23:12] 30 chickens in a room.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:14] No, thank you.

[1:23:16] They're going to just peck each other.

[1:23:17] No, I got an email from my meditation app saying,

[1:23:21] The post-election meditation we all need for healing and unity.

[1:23:26] So that's why you stopped doing the segment that we were about to do?

[1:23:31] I can take a session about compassion meditation to remind us of our common humanity,

[1:23:36] our shared hopes, and how to press onward together.

S4

[1:23:39] Is this some kind of, wait, is this some kind of stealth ad?

[1:23:42] Are you doing a stealth spinoff?

[1:23:43] First off.

[1:23:44] Like when Mork appeared on Happy Days?

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:45] Ellie and I lay our souls bare to do this stupid ass porn star bit.

S4

[1:23:53] And you're reading an email.

[1:23:55] Do I want people knowing that I have this much knowledge about how porn works?

[1:23:58] No, of course not.

[1:23:59] I want them to think I'm...

Dan McCoy

[1:24:00] I'm the one who objected to the accuracy of the pornography.

[1:24:02] I think I'm implicated as much as anyone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:04] I got to say, I'm impressed that you can both read an email from your meditation app

[1:24:08] and complain about various porn stars' lookalike abilities.

S4

[1:24:12] Makes me think the meditation app is not working if it's not able to clear your mind enough

[1:24:17] for you to lose this how old?

[1:24:20] Four-year-old grudge against a porno?

[1:24:23] No, more than four years.

[1:24:24] This eight-year grudge against the accuracy of a porn?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:28] Not a chameleon, says Dan McCoy.

S4

[1:24:31] De Niro in Raging Bull?

[1:24:33] I don't think so.

[1:24:35] Lisa Ann fails to disappear into the character of Sarah Palin.

[1:24:42] No Meryl Streep, says Dan McCoy, in the porn thespian review quarterly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:55] Whatever happened to the days?

[1:24:57] Now that we've used up all of our goodwill,

[1:25:00] let's do the segment Elliot's saying a song about.

[1:25:03] What, like an hour ago?

[1:25:06] The letters are here.

[1:25:07] Fuck.

[1:25:11] I'm so glad I wasn't drinking or I would have done a spit take on Dan's computer.

[1:25:16] And then he would have banned me from being in his apartment.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:19] This is...

[1:25:20] Charles banned.

[1:25:22] This is from David, last name withheld.

[1:25:24] Oh, my brother, probably.

[1:25:29] I'll just read the letter and then I'll say something about it afterwards.

[1:25:33] That's the way it normally works.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:33] Is this the kind of letter that I shouldn't interrupt because there's something sad in it?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:36] No, no, no, no.

[1:25:37] Okay.

S4

[1:25:39] Hello, Peaches.

[1:25:40] Because that happens sometimes and I feel bad afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:43] Hello, Peaches.

[1:25:44] I want to thank you for helping me through a difficult time.

[1:25:48] As a TV news journalist, I have spent the last year fretting over the 2016 election.

[1:25:53] But the past four weeks up through election night were particularly brutal.

[1:25:57] Anxiety was at an all-time high.

[1:25:59] And one way I coped was by listening to your back catalog non-stop.

[1:26:04] No matter how bad things got, hearing you always made me feel better and helped me take my mind off things.

[1:26:11] And I don't know how I would have made it without you.

[1:26:14] While I'm here, I have a kaiju-related question for Elliot.

[1:26:16] How much screen time should monsters get in a kaiju film?

[1:26:19] A common complaint about Godzilla movies is how much time the films dedicate to human characters rather than the titular monster.

[1:26:25] Is there a solution to this?

[1:26:26] How much monster screen time is too much or too little?

[1:26:29] Thanks again, David.

[1:26:30] Last name withheld.

[1:26:31] Now Elliot sort of spoiled this earlier in the podcast, not knowing that there would be a letter about this.

[1:26:37] But we got a lot of messages from people saying...

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:40] Oh yeah, my heartfelt thanks spoiled this letter.

[1:26:43] Sorry, Dan.

[1:26:44] Again, tell me these things ahead of time.

S4

[1:26:46] Mike, we got a lot of...

[1:26:48] It's a little bit like if you took me to a murder mystery dinner theater, but I didn't know it was dinner theater, and so I see some with the blood on their hands, and I'm like, that guy's a murderer.

[1:26:57] And you're like, Elliot, this is just for fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:02] I meant in the spoiler sense, not that you've ruined anything.

[1:27:05] Oh, okay.

[1:27:06] Thank you.

[1:27:08] That was sweet.

[1:27:09] A sweet moment.

[1:27:10] Elliot touched my arm.

[1:27:11] Just to be like, hey, we're cool, right?

[1:27:13] Yeah.

[1:27:13] Okay, I love you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:14] So, I missed most of that letter because I was busy laughing.

[1:27:17] The point is...

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:17] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:17] Let me just say that...

[1:27:19] No, we got a lot of great messages, both via email.

[1:27:24] This is just one representative one and on the Facebook group saying thanks for helping us distract them from the misery of president sex criminal and related election stress, no matter what side you're on.

[1:27:42] This was...

[1:27:42] So, it was very nice to hear these sort of things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:45] This was a very particularly stressful election campaign, and it will continue to be stressful.

[1:27:50] And the world is in a stressful place right now, and not to sound...

[1:27:53] This is the kind of thing that I feel like celebrities say, and it comes off really fakey, but I don't mean it that way.

[1:27:59] Like, I find it genuinely humbling that people can take this kind of solace in our nonsense and that we can help people in that way.

[1:28:10] And it's not in any way our intention, just speaking for myself.

[1:28:15] Our intention is just to ourselves get together and kill a couple hours talking about Independence Day resurgence and how amazing it was.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:23] Yeah, that's the main reason we still do it, right?

[1:28:25] But it is...

[1:28:26] We do it for our own...

S4

[1:28:28] Cha-ching!

[1:28:29] And the old moolah!

[1:28:31] But it's like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:32] I mean, for us, we use this as an opportunity to blow off steam and a way to, like, find some kind of connection with a human element with each other.

[1:28:42] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:42] This is...

[1:28:43] In the sense that we're all naked and rubbing each other's knees.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:46] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:47] Constantly, with olive oil.

[1:28:48] I mean, you've got that weenus cage still on, so there's a limit to how much we can rub.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:51] Like, this is the only regular, like, friend hanging out time I know I can rely on.

[1:29:00] And I know I'm not yet.

[1:29:01] And it's very important to me for that reason, very meaningful to me.

[1:29:04] And if we can...

[1:29:05] If it touches other people in a way that helps them, then I'm very touched by that.

[1:29:09] And I'm very thankful for it.

[1:29:12] Cha-ching!

[1:29:13] Yeah.

[1:29:14] Had to erase the sentiment somehow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:16] I'm really glad that we have an Elliot around so he can say things that sound genuine as opposed to me, where I always sound sarcastic.

[1:29:23] Oh, you sound very genuine.

[1:29:25] Or Dan, who just says cha-ching and, I don't know, other stuff.

[1:29:30] Here's the thing.

[1:29:30] That's what I do.

[1:29:31] I say other stuff.

[1:29:32] You say, et cetera.

[1:29:34] Here's how you learn.

[1:29:36] Well, Dan, you don't sound quite as...

[1:29:37] You and I, we have a natural cadence to our voices, which sound, I don't know, sarcastic or...

[1:29:45] Like, you sound smug and self-satisfied all the time.

[1:29:48] Like, you're popping your collar every time you talk.

[1:29:50] Oh, God.

S4

[1:29:51] Well, now it's all coming out now, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:52] Yeah, because you just pulled up in that Testarossa your dad bought you for your 17th birthday and laughing at us.

[1:29:59] And then you drive off, collar popped, hot babes all over you.

[1:30:03] Mm-hmm.

[1:30:03] That's...

[1:30:04] Ponytail.

[1:30:05] That's certainly the thing that people associate with me.

[1:30:06] He's got a ponytail, too?

S4

[1:30:07] Like, 90s car phone in a convertible.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:10] Mm-hmm.

[1:30:11] Yeah.

[1:30:11] Not sort of a monotonal, depressive sound.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:14] Oh, not at all.

[1:30:15] Now, here's how you learn how to do the Ellie Kalin emotional honesty and openness talking thing.

[1:30:20] Yeah.

S4

[1:30:20] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:21] Is you spend a few years doing a basement comedy show in which you have no prepared material,

[1:30:28] and you instead just talk about what's going on in your life for anywhere from one to two and a half hours at a time.

[1:30:35] As people fall asleep in front of you because it's midnight.

[1:30:37] Right.

[1:30:38] And then over time, you just feel comfortable talking in front of anybody about everything.

[1:30:43] Yeah.

[1:30:43] It seems like.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:43] It's like George Burns said, the most important thing is sincerity.

[1:30:46] Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

[1:30:48] Classic Burns-y.

[1:30:51] Anything you want to say about kaiju films?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:52] Oh, yeah.

[1:30:53] Kaiju films.

[1:30:53] Well, it's a good question because you always want to have less monster than you want.

[1:30:58] Too much monster, and the monster loses its mystique.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:00] And the thing about the people is that they also kind of help set the scale of the monster.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:05] Yes, very much so.

[1:31:06] And not only in just that they're running away and we can see they're much smaller, but that by a monster attacking a city can be too goofy or abstract.

[1:31:16] You need some kind of life to ground it against.

[1:31:19] Mm-hmm.

[1:31:19] And it's one of the successes of the new Godzilla movie that just came out recently that even though the characters are fairly boilerplate, the world they're inhabiting is so realistically bureaucratic that when a giant monster comes into it, it's genuinely terrifying.

[1:31:36] Because this is a world that should not accommodate both government incompetence and bureaucratic red tape and a giant monster that can shoot laser beams out of its mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:46] Something that will take advantage of that red tape.

[1:31:49] Mm-hmm.

[1:31:49] Or it's like one of the things I loved about Pacific Rim was during an attack in Japan where everybody was down in it.

[1:31:59] Like it showed civilians in a bunker underneath the city intercut with shots of giant monster and robot fighting.

[1:32:08] Yeah.

[1:32:09] Just to give you a sense of like the fear of having to endure some kind of like devastation on that scale.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:16] That there are people at stake and they have a real emotional response.

[1:32:18] But in terms of like seeing the monster, too little is worse than too much.

[1:32:23] But too much can sometimes be no good.

[1:32:25] And it's not a kaiju movie, but the movie that does this the most perfectly is Alien.

[1:32:30] Alien gives you the exact right amount of the xenomorph so that you get a sense of what it looks like.

[1:32:36] But every time it shows up, it's super scary.

[1:32:38] They never give you enough time to get used to its design.

[1:32:41] Should have had eyes.

S4

[1:32:42] No, it's better without eyes.

[1:32:43] No, it should have big old googly eyes.

[1:32:46] Just popping out like Tex Avery Wolves.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:49] Or like just wiggling around every time it moves its head.

[1:32:51] Like, what's it looking at?

[1:32:53] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:54] As amazing as Aliens is, it's not scary because you know what the Aliens are and they're enemy soldiers at that point.

[1:33:00] You know, or it's more like the gorillas.

[1:33:02] Are you saying Aliens isn't scary?

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:04] What about the moment when he's looking at his little fucking radar thing and he's like, but they're in the room.

[1:33:10] Yeah.

[1:33:11] But you're not seeing them at that moment.

[1:33:12] And what about Newt?

[1:33:13] She's scary as hell, dude.

[1:33:14] She's a little crazy girl.

[1:33:16] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:17] Aliens is tense.

[1:33:18] It's nail biting.

[1:33:19] But it's not frightening the way that he is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:20] Paul Reiser?

[1:33:21] He's so corrupt.

[1:33:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:24] My parents.

[1:33:24] The Rise.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:25] The scary thing is the way a man's soul can be corrupted.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:29] He is willing to sacrifice his fellow human beings for money.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:32] To this day, my mom says that she and my dad hate Paul Reiser and can't watch Mad About You because of Paul Reiser's performance in Aliens.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:41] I can't watch Mad About You, but that's for other reasons.

[1:33:45] Because you and Helen Hunt had that falling out.

[1:33:47] That's right.

[1:33:49] I broke her and Hank Azaria up.

[1:33:53] So this next one is from Lars' last name was held.

[1:33:56] Von Trier.

[1:33:57] Oh, wow.

S4

[1:33:58] When directing movies like Dogville, I often find that I need a relaxing thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:02] Have you ever watched a movie with Charlotte Gainsbourg?

[1:34:06] This is how I sound, y'all.

[1:34:08] I'm a bad little boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:10] Hey, Floppers.

[1:34:12] Hey, bud.

[1:34:12] Just a quick note.

[1:34:14] After listening to episode 101.

[1:34:16] Remind me which one it was.

[1:34:17] I looked up Al Madrigal's Lies and Illusions on IMDb.

[1:34:21] Oh.

[1:34:21] It appears that the film was in fact such a cash grab that the poster for the film on IMDb includes the words, quote, descriptive tagline can go here at the bottom.

[1:34:35] See the attached image for reference.

[1:34:37] Thanks for being the best podcast that exists and keep on blocking.

[1:34:40] Now I have the image here.

[1:34:42] So you can see.

S4

[1:34:43] Yeah, right there.

[1:34:44] Right under the title.

[1:34:45] Descriptive tagline can go here.

[1:34:47] I hope that's totally real.

[1:34:49] That's hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:52] Not much to say about that.

[1:34:53] It's just a funny story.

[1:34:54] It's really funny.

[1:34:54] Yeah.

S4

[1:34:56] Even moving.

[1:34:58] Moving on.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:00] This is from Grace.

[1:35:01] Last name was held.

[1:35:02] Land.

[1:35:03] Mm-hmm.

[1:35:03] 30 million miles.

[1:35:05] What's the name?

[1:35:06] 30 million.

S4

[1:35:06] Yeah.

[1:35:07] It's the Ray Harryhausen Elvis film, 30 million miles to Grace Land.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:13] You can go through a Stargate.

[1:35:15] Grace writes, Dear Archie, you're a good cat and I love you.

[1:35:19] I know in the hierarchy of cats in the Flophouse, most might put you at a woeful second, but to me, you're the cat star.

[1:35:25] The best cat.

[1:35:26] He's the best.

[1:35:26] The top cat.

[1:35:27] Such a good cat.

[1:35:28] When recommending the Flophouse to friends, co-workers, and people on the street, I'm almost always encountered with, ugh, another bad movie podcast?

[1:35:36] Instead of waxing poetic of the many pros and few cons of the Flophouse, I just respond with a, yeah, but sometimes there's a cat in the room when they record.

[1:35:44] Haven't hooked any new fans with that yet.

[1:35:47] Yet.

[1:35:48] Good kitty, Archie.

[1:35:49] Such a good kitty.

[1:35:50] Thanks for keeping Dan company and for being such a good cat.

[1:35:53] Sincerely, Grace, last name withheld.

[1:35:55] I wish you could see Elliot's face as I wrote that letter.

S4

[1:35:59] I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:00] I'm glad that people, that's people's reaction.

[1:36:03] Most of the time when I explain what my podcast is, people say, what's a podcast?

[1:36:09] Or, I listen to Joe Rogan's podcast.

[1:36:13] So this episode's brought to you by Joe Rogan's podcast.

[1:36:16] The Joe Rogan experiment, what the fuck's it called?

[1:36:18] I don't know, Joe and Around.

[1:36:20] Oh, okay.

[1:36:20] Joe Time.

[1:36:21] It's like the number one podcast in the universe, right?

[1:36:24] Big Bang Theory is the number one show.

[1:36:26] I don't watch that.

[1:36:27] Those two things are what aliens base their perception of our society on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:30] That's why when you meet, you know you meet an alien when he walks up and he goes, bazinga,

[1:36:34] friend.

[1:36:35] You're like, that's not a real word anyone uses and I don't appreciate the assumption that

[1:36:39] I know what it means.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:40] Then he puts on a fucking Joe Satriani tape and I'm like, I'm not surfing with you, dude.

[1:36:46] Go on, Dan.

S4

[1:36:47] It's a very specific alien.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:49] I feel like the Joe Rogan experience would be like to get punched for some sort of minor

[1:36:52] misunderstanding.

[1:36:53] Yeah, I think that could be the case.

[1:36:55] Yep.

[1:36:57] Yeah.

[1:36:57] Joe Rogan experiences when you put new hair on.

[1:36:59] Dan, he was the host of Fear Factor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:01] That show was super important for America.

[1:37:05] I don't know.

[1:37:05] Well, and he was on news radio.

[1:37:06] News radio.

[1:37:06] One of my favorite shows of all time.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:08] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:08] Gets him a lot of.

[1:37:09] Fear Factor.

[1:37:11] Mm-hmm.

[1:37:14] Last letter.

[1:37:15] My favorite peaches.

[1:37:17] Favorite peaches.

S4

[1:37:19] Did a villain kidnap us?

[1:37:23] Ma!

[1:37:24] My favorite peaches.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:25] He's stroking our hair.

[1:37:28] Maybe our rosy cheeks.

[1:37:29] Mm-hmm.

S4

[1:37:30] As we feed candy in our mouths.

[1:37:32] Not knowing that he's about to shovel us into, I guess, his baking oven to make us into pot pie.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:37] Delicious peaches pot pie.

[1:37:39] In the We Are Your Friends episode.

S4

[1:37:41] Another Dick Tracy villain.

[1:37:43] Peaches pot pie.

[1:37:45] Yeah.

[1:37:46] I have a minor deformity.

[1:37:48] Why are you being so mean to me, Dick Tracy?

[1:37:50] You're a crook.

[1:37:51] I know it.

[1:37:52] I believe in the medieval assumption that the body reflects the soul.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:56] While we're talking about things that happened last episode, I want to apologize for, clearly, Rogue One has Forrest Whitaker in it, not Charles S. Dutton.

[1:38:07] You said that?

[1:38:09] Elliot said, isn't Charles S. Dutton in the new movie?

[1:38:12] And I was like, unthinkingly, I was like, yeah.

[1:38:15] So we both got that one wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:16] I honestly don't know much about the movie, but I apologize, too.

[1:38:20] They don't look alike or sound alike.

[1:38:22] Anyway.

[1:38:23] One is Rock.

[1:38:23] The other is The Last King of Scotland slash Ghost Dog.

[1:38:26] Mm-hmm.

[1:38:27] One is in Mimic, Charles S. Dutton.

[1:38:30] The other one is not.

[1:38:32] He's in The Crying Game, Forrest Whitaker.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:34] Yes.

[1:38:35] I think that's right.

[1:38:35] All these are correct things.

[1:38:38] But to get back to the letter.

[1:38:40] In the We Are Your Friends episode, Dan referred to a slew of letters discussing how they once thought nothing but trouble was a fever dream.

[1:38:47] This reminded me of my one and only actual fever dream, which coincidentally occurred during a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:54] It was almost famous.

[1:38:55] They were playing the song Fever Dog by the band Still Water.

S4

[1:38:59] That's the only fever dream I ever had.

[1:39:02] I was so inspired by it, I wrote nothing but trouble.

[1:39:04] Signed, Dan.

[1:39:05] Last name withheld.

[1:39:06] Ackroyd.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:08] As a freshman in college, my class was required to attend a screening of the Japanese classic Woman in the Dunes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:16] Oh, that's on my TiVo right now and I haven't watched it yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:18] I was really sick that day, but it was the only screening, so I figured I would tough through it.

[1:39:23] The next week in class.

[1:39:25] Ford tough.

[1:39:26] The next week in class, we had a discussion about the movie.

[1:39:29] I mentioned that, although I really liked the movie, the tonal shift about midway through from creepy suspense film to full on creature feature about a giant spider attacking the characters was confusing.

[1:39:40] Apparently, my feverish brain decided to show me a different movie.

[1:39:45] Floppers, have you ever had a movie experience completely altered for you, whether biologically, chemically, etc.?

[1:39:51] Sincerely, Andrew, last name withheld.

[1:39:53] I'm going to tell two stories off of this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:55] One is that the experience he had sick, I've had many times healthy.

[1:40:00] I used to go to a lot of movies after work when I worked long hours of the Daily Show when I was a single man, and I would go to film form and watch old movies, and I would constantly fall asleep near the end of the movie, and my brain would continue the movie for about anywhere from five seconds to a minute.

[1:40:15] And I'd jerk awake, and the movie would not be what I just thought it was, and I'd have to readjust, like, what's going on?

[1:40:21] How much of that did I just dream?

[1:40:23] It happened to me a lot.

[1:40:24] And I remember doing it, especially during the Akira Kurosawa movie, I Want to Live, about a man who's driven insane by his fear of the atomic bomb.

[1:40:32] And at the end of the movie, I was just like, stay awake.

[1:40:35] I'm coming up with too many alternate ways that this movie can go as I fall asleep.

[1:40:39] The others I think I've talked about before, the first time I ever had a kidney stone was a terrifying experience.

[1:40:44] And I watched From Beyond, and it really made it, like, a more meaningful picture to me, because as these people's bodies were being distorted by another dimension that vibrates at another frequency, I was like, these guys get it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:57] And you pulled your blanket back, and you were wearing, like, a black teddy.

S4

[1:41:02] For some reason, I had a black S&M outfit on, and I was covered in goopy Vaseline, and then bees took my flesh from you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:09] Yeah, I had something like that.

[1:41:11] When I was in high school, I had a broken arm, and I...

[1:41:15] Broken armo with John Travolta and Christian Slater?

[1:41:18] And it was a...

Dan McCoy

[1:41:20] It wasn't even close to a pun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:26] I'm glad that you made the joke based on my situation and not a movie I saw.

[1:41:35] And I had a cast up over my elbow, and I was in a car accident because this dude was driving his car down our gravel drive, and he was driving real fast.

[1:41:48] And he was like, hey, guys, I'm going to try and fishtail.

[1:41:51] That did not end well.

[1:41:53] And we totally crashed into a fucking tree, and I slammed up against the passenger side seat.

[1:42:00] And because my cast went up over my elbow, my elbow couldn't bend, so it ended up breaking my humerus.

[1:42:09] And we were, of course, listening to a song by the band Lords of Acid, so I can't listen to that anymore.

[1:42:15] And I dragged my...

[1:42:16] Which totally sucks, because there's all these situations when I want to listen to the band Lords of Acid.

[1:42:21] I can't do it.

[1:42:22] So I dragged myself out of the car, and the whole time I'm like, oh my god, my arm has a new elbow in my fucking middle of my bicep.

[1:42:31] And they took me and whatever.

[1:42:36] I broke my arm.

[1:42:36] But while I was convalescing from this illness of a broken, second broken arm...

[1:42:44] Injury, not illness.

[1:42:45] Yeah, injury, sure.

[1:42:47] My mom rented a bunch of horror movies for me to watch, some tapes.

[1:42:52] And she rented the movie Body Parts for me, starring Jeff Fahey, which involves a man who is involved in a horrible car accident, and he gets an arm transplant.

[1:43:04] Unfortunately, that arm is from a serial killer.

[1:43:08] And that made it a very weird experience for me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:12] Did I say that the Acid Croissant movie is called I Want to Live or I Live in Fear?

[1:43:16] I can't remember.

[1:43:17] Okay, the title is I Live in Fear.

[1:43:18] I may have said I Want to Live, which is the movie about the woman on death row.

[1:43:21] That's a different movie.

[1:43:22] I Live in Fear is the one I was talking about.

[1:43:24] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:26] Yeah, I don't know that I have a good story, unfortunately.

S4

[1:43:30] Unlike our great story.

[1:43:32] I love also is you picked the letter yourself.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:34] No, I thought you guys...

[1:43:35] This will set me up for a fall.

[1:43:36] I thought you guys would have a good story.

[1:43:38] This will show me.

[1:43:39] I mean, I have had the experience of being in a meeting and drifting off to sleep and jerking back.

[1:43:46] I don't know if you're talking about watching the film forum things and thinking that something has happened in the meeting that has not happened at all.

[1:43:53] I've run some of those meetings where you've done that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:56] Yeah, I watched the movie Enemy and was half drunk and asleep the whole time.

[1:44:01] I think that was probably the perfect way to watch it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:03] One thing that bonded my wife and I together was glue.

[1:44:08] When we were first going out, she was at my apartment once and we both got a stomach bug at the same time.

[1:44:15] And it was just like, all we have the energy to do is watch whatever's on TV.

[1:44:20] And we ended up watching The Land Before Time and Clueless and I think another movie, just whatever happened to come on television at the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:28] And it was like, these movies...

[1:44:30] Paul Rudd has been the same looking since the dawn of time when he was hanging out with Ducky and Petrie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:37] How does it look the same as in Ant-Man, a movie that won't come out for 10 years?

[1:44:41] But it was one of those things where it was like, we're so sick.

[1:44:44] These movies are a lot better to us.

[1:44:46] I mean, Clueless is a good movie anyway.

[1:44:47] But these movies seem a lot better to us right now because we're sick and it's about people and things that are not sick.

[1:44:53] So that was good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:53] I remember being super sick with some kind of a stomach bug and my wife watched, like she watched the first season of Mad Men.

[1:45:04] I'd already seen it, but she watched it.

[1:45:06] And it was, I had just the weirdest Mad Men related dreams in between sleeping and like shitting my brains out.

[1:45:14] Which is not how your brains should go.

S4

[1:45:17] No.

[1:45:18] It should stay in the head, not go out the butt.

[1:45:22] Just like in Victor Frankenstein, as we learned at the end with his sketch, brain goes in head.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:27] This is the final segment of the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked.

[1:45:34] I'll go first just because the movie I'm going to recommend, I liked okay.

[1:45:41] Saw it on a plane.

[1:45:42] Not a huge recommendation.

[1:45:44] I saw Doctor Strange, the latest Marvel movie.

[1:45:46] Little art film.

[1:45:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:49] So if you were writing a review of it, the headline would not be Doctor Strange, Love.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:55] No.

[1:45:55] Would it be Mad About Mads, a Dan McCoy story?

[1:45:59] Yes.

[1:45:59] It would be that.

[1:46:00] Okay, he was great in it then.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:02] He was fine.

[1:46:03] He was great in everything.

[1:46:04] He was, you know, he was...

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:05] How is Chiwetel Ejiofor?

Dan McCoy

[1:46:08] There's not a lot of room in these movies for really good villains.

[1:46:14] I feel like that's a problem with the Marvel Cinematic movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:17] That's a major issue that Loki has been the one charismatic villain, basically.

[1:46:21] Yeah.

[1:46:22] And otherwise the villain is more an excuse to give the hero something to do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:26] Yeah.

[1:46:26] I kind of liked Lee Pace in Guardians of the Galaxy, mainly because I felt like a lot

[1:46:30] of his scenes felt like they were in a different movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:33] I liked how over the top, like, serious he was about everything.

[1:46:37] Yeah, that was really great.

[1:46:39] And I liked to think that he was channeling the anger he felt for not getting the part

[1:46:42] of Star-Lord that he originally auditioned for, I believe.

[1:46:45] Oh.

[1:46:45] And they're like, no, you don't get to be the star of the movie, but you can have this

S4

[1:46:48] crazy goopy makeup all over your face and just yell at stuff and hold a big hammer.

[1:46:53] I thought he was great.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:54] But also, I mean, like, that movie allowed the over-the-top seriousness to be funny because

[1:46:58] it was in contrast to, like, the goopiness of the rest of the movie.

[1:47:01] So, like, when he then encountered Star-Lord, the fact that he was dealing with this goop

[1:47:08] He's like, wait, this is a silly movie?

[1:47:09] I thought this was so serious.

[1:47:10] Oh, I've been doing it wrong all movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:12] So, I've heard Doctor Strange is, like, a super tripped-out psychedelic experience man.

[1:47:19] I would not go that far.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:20] There are a few sequences.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:21] Like, don't do it on weed or you're going to go permanently loco.

[1:47:26] There are a few sequences that are...

S4

[1:47:28] That was the original title for that book about being a heroin addict, right?

[1:47:33] Permanently loco instead of permanent midnight.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:37] Yeah, I mean, it's a movie that uses CGI in a good way, which is...

[1:47:42] Let's use it to do a thing that you couldn't do with practical effects.

[1:47:47] Let's really, like, push it to do something interesting and new.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:51] Let's take it to the limit.

[1:47:53] Yeah, like Lawnmower Man, where you use CGI to, like, totally trip people out.

[1:47:59] Yeah, for cyber.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:59] Or the Money for Nothing video, where you...

[1:48:02] Don't rate video.

[1:48:03] You couldn't just have, like, people...

[1:48:05] Or the Let's Get Rocked video.

S4

[1:48:07] No, you couldn't just show people moving goods in a warehouse.

[1:48:09] No, it doesn't work.

[1:48:10] We can't do that on film with live action.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:12] You could do it, but it wouldn't achieve the same, like, super mechanical robot futuristic

[1:48:18] effects, man.

[1:48:19] That's true.

[1:48:20] Yeah.

[1:48:20] All the actors are good.

[1:48:21] Or have just a headband playing guitar.

[1:48:23] What the fuck?

[1:48:24] That's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:26] I think Tilda Swinton probably is the best in the movie.

[1:48:31] It's just fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:32] Like, actor or character?

Dan McCoy

[1:48:34] Her performance is...

S4

[1:48:36] Uma Thurman in the role of Tilda Swinton in the Doctor Strange movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:40] Her performance is probably the highlight, acting-wise.

[1:48:45] Aside from Matt's.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:46] How's Benedict Cumberbatch?

[1:48:48] Are you going to go through every actor in the movie?

[1:48:50] No, no.

[1:48:51] Well, he didn't respond to my Chiwetella J4 question.

[1:48:54] He doesn't know who that is.

[1:48:55] He's an actor, dude.

[1:48:57] He plays Mordo.

[1:48:58] How's Benedict Cumberbatch's accent?

[1:49:01] Because in the trailer, it sounds pretty shitty.

[1:49:03] It's not so good in the trailer.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:05] No, it's...

[1:49:06] You get used to it over the course of the movie.

[1:49:08] I'll say that about it.

S4

[1:49:09] You get used to it.

[1:49:10] Raves Dan McCoy of the Flott House.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:12] Hey, forget about it.

[1:49:13] He's a New York doctor.

[1:49:15] He's a very charismatic guy.

[1:49:17] I think that the movie hampers that charisma a little bit by making...

[1:49:22] All those scenes where he's hiding in a hamper.

S4

[1:49:25] Why does Doctor Strange keep escaping from alternate dimensions by hiding in a laundry hamper

[1:49:30] and getting wheeled into the exit?

Dan McCoy

[1:49:33] I think it's hampered by him being an origin story.

[1:49:37] How is Scott Adkins in the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:38] Oh, God.

[1:49:39] He plays a fucking heavy, and that dude is the heaviest piece of meat on the silver screen.

[1:49:46] Fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:47] How's Stanley in his cameo that I assume he has?

S4

[1:49:50] I can't remember his cameo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:52] Does he play like a hot dog vendor?

[1:49:53] He's gotta be.

S4

[1:49:54] And he's selling hot dogs to some mindless ones over in Nightmare's Realm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:00] Yeah, to Mephisto shows up and he's like...

Dan McCoy

[1:50:03] I will say, and it's a pretty standard Marvel movie.

[1:50:06] It does...

[1:50:08] The denouement is a little more interesting.

[1:50:12] They find a more interesting way to wrap things up.

[1:50:14] Oh, it's not that there's a portal that something's gonna come through and they've gotta stop it

[1:50:18] from coming through a portal.

[1:50:18] There is, in fact, a portal that something's gonna come through.

[1:50:21] Oh, God.

[1:50:21] But the way that they deal with that is much better than the usual big fighting.

[1:50:25] I like the Marvel movies a lot.

[1:50:26] They punch the portal until it stops being open.

S4

[1:50:30] Or it's like that Johnny Ryan comic where Doctor Strange has sex with a portal and he finds

[1:50:34] that another Doctor Strange is on the other side and now they're connected by the penis.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:38] Yep.

[1:50:39] Anyway.

[1:50:40] I like the Marvel movies.

[1:50:41] I don't like that so many of them end with portals that they have to close.

[1:50:46] Whatever, they're portals of time.

[1:50:47] Then I would love it.

[1:50:48] Not enough time travel.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:50] That's it.

[1:50:51] So I'm gonna do, thanks to Dan going super long on his recommendation.

S4

[1:50:55] With the movie that his recommendation was, quote, okay.

[1:50:57] You guys couldn't let me finish anything.

[1:50:59] He's like, here's a movie I think was so-so an hour later.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:03] I could not finish a single sentence without you guys breaking in as if you had news of the Kennedy assassination.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:11] I'm gonna do this one in listicle form.

[1:51:13] In another thing.

[1:51:16] I'm gonna do a quick recommendation on a movie that I probably talked about on the show.

[1:51:21] It's a little werewolf movie called Dog Soldiers.

[1:51:26] Oh, okay.

[1:51:27] Directed by Neil Marshall.

[1:51:29] It's a bit of an action movie.

[1:51:31] Bit of a horror movie about old werewolves.

[1:51:34] It's about a...

S4

[1:51:35] What if it was a horror movie about old werewolves?

[1:51:38] Like werewolves that are not aging gracefully?

Dan McCoy

[1:51:40] Yeah, I mean, there's an old werewolf in The Howling.

[1:51:42] That's true, I guess.

[1:51:43] Isn't there a movie called Late Phases that's old werewolves?

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:46] Oh, I don't know that one.

[1:51:47] Very well could be the case if I'm not recommending that movie because I haven't seen it, but maybe.

[1:51:53] So Dog Soldiers is a movie about a group of British or Scottish soldiers who are kind of a ragtag group of dudes who are sent on maneuvers.

[1:52:08] And while on maneuvers, they find themselves under attack from some werewolves.

[1:52:16] We're the werewolves.

[1:52:18] It's got a pretty great little cast.

[1:52:21] Sean Pertwee, Kevin McKidd, Liam Cunningham, a bunch of other dudes.

[1:52:27] And it manages to be Neil Marshall, the director and writer, has also directed a bunch of the big action-y Game of Thrones episodes.

[1:52:37] He's also directed a bunch of movies that I've also recommended on here, like The Descent, which is one of the best horror movies of the last 20 years.

[1:52:44] What was his Mad Max-y type movie?

[1:52:47] Fuck.

[1:52:48] Doomsday.

[1:52:49] Doomsday.

[1:52:50] And Dog Soldiers is just like a fun little, like a bit of a soldiers-y movie, like a dirty dozen-y, like tough soldiers talking shit.

[1:53:04] But then there's also a bunch of werewolves show up.

[1:53:06] And the werewolf effects are good.

[1:53:09] They're pretty practical.

[1:53:12] And yeah, check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:14] I'm going to quickly recommend two movies that are kind of a double shot of depends on how you want to deal with the latest news.

[1:53:22] If you're looking for a movie, and these are both movies I watched before yesterday, but thinking about them helped me out a little bit.

[1:53:30] One of them, if you're looking for a movie that, if you're unhappy about the situation, you're looking for a movie that kind of mirrors that feeling.

[1:53:36] A movie I saw recently was Krzysztof Kieslowski's No End.

[1:53:41] He did the Three Colors Trilogy and the Decalogue and Double Life of Veronique.

[1:53:46] This is a slightly earlier movie than that about a very well-respected lawyer who defends political prisoners in Poland.

[1:53:55] And this is right after martial law was declared to try to end the Solidarity Union movement.

[1:53:59] He has passed away.

[1:54:01] And that means that this case that he was covering of a striking worker who is in jail has been thrown into chaos.

[1:54:06] And his wife, who kind of didn't realize until he was gone how much she really loved him and how important he was to her life, is dealing with her grief in ways that are not fully safe.

[1:54:17] And that are her way in a way of also digesting what's going on in her country and how hard it is to understand what's going to happen to everyone there and how much freedom they have or don't have anymore.

[1:54:29] It's a super bleak movie.

[1:54:31] It's at times a really beautiful movie.

[1:54:33] It looks great, but it's super bleak.

[1:54:35] So be ready to not feel so good afterwards, but it's a really good movie.

[1:54:40] No end.

[1:54:40] And the other one is about as popcorn a movie as you get.

[1:54:44] And that's a movie from 1979 called A Little Romance with Diane Lane and Laurence Olivier, which is literally about an American teenager in Paris who falls in love with a French teenager.

[1:54:54] And the two of them want to run away to Venice so they can kiss under a bridge.

[1:54:58] And it is maybe a little too sugary for some people.

[1:55:01] It's one of those movies where it's not trying too hard to put you in suspense and it's not a particularly realistic view of two young people running away.

[1:55:10] But I really enjoyed it a lot.

[1:55:12] And it was just a very amusing, delightful experience that I was happy I sat through and really enjoyed.

[1:55:18] How many killings in that one?

[1:55:20] Zero killings.

[1:55:21] Okay.

[1:55:23] Can you make a movie with no killings?

[1:55:24] I mean, there's a stepdad in it who is very much like the dad in the world.

[1:55:29] Terry O'Quinn?

[1:55:30] No, in the world of Henry Orient.

[1:55:32] And there were times when I was like, oh, his relationship to Diane Lane is much like the relationship between the dad and the daughter in the world of Henry Orient.

[1:55:39] And Laurence Olivier is very charming in it.

[1:55:42] So a little romance if you want to get picked up a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:46] And I want to get picked up.

[1:55:50] So...

[1:55:51] Take me home tonight.

[1:55:53] That's that, guys.

[1:55:55] I'm going to sign off very quickly.

[1:55:58] Because we're running late.

[1:55:59] Because we're running late.

[1:56:00] And I was up very late last night covering the damn election for the Daily Show.

[1:56:05] So...

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:05] I'm going to head to Kentucky this weekend.

[1:56:10] Yeah.

[1:56:10] Bon Voyage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:11] I heard you've got to deal with some...

[1:56:13] They called you in to deal with some killings around mine country.

[1:56:16] Exactly.

[1:56:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:17] I'm heading down into Appalachia.

[1:56:18] First going to West Virginia.

[1:56:20] And then down into Kentucky.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:22] Mm-hmm.

[1:56:23] Seems like something's got to be justified.

[1:56:25] Mm-hmm.

[1:56:26] But...

[1:56:28] Thanks for listening.

[1:56:29] Thanks for being you.

[1:56:31] Thanks for everything.

[1:56:33] I like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:33] Yeah.

[1:56:34] Yeah, man.

[1:56:34] Thanks for listening to...

[1:56:36] Thanks for listening to us work through some shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:39] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:41] I'm always Stuart Wellington.

[1:56:43] And I'll always be here for you, with you, by you.

[1:56:48] Of you.

[1:56:49] Elliot Kalin.

[1:56:50] By you, Billy.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:57] Okay, so...

[1:56:58] First, we do the intro.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:03] Hence its name.

[1:57:04] We're all a little loopy today.

[1:57:07] It's when Jimmy Stewart showed up to do this thing, pilgrim.

[1:57:11] It was kind of a rough night and a rough day.

S4

[1:57:14] I meant Jimmy Stewart.

[1:57:16] I was a Republican, but I was more of an establishment Republican.

[1:57:19] I'm more of a John Wayne tonight, pilgrim.

[1:57:23] I'm a Tom Brokaw, here to talk about doom.

[1:57:27] The story of...

[1:57:28] Like always, Jesus, chill out, dude.

[1:57:29] The story of Maude Dib, born Paul Atreides.

[1:57:34] As he takes control of the Freeman or Fremen and rides a maker worm, the secret of the spice, without this intragalactic navigation, is not possible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:49] So, do they take that spice and just give it to the giant floating space worm guys?

[1:57:53] How does that work?

S4

[1:57:55] When you've taken enough of the spice, it distorts your body.

[1:58:00] Oh, okay.

[1:58:00] In horrific ways.

[1:58:02] But allows you the ability to bend time.

[1:58:06] Oh, okay.

[1:58:07] And space.

[1:58:08] I guess that's worth it, then.

[1:58:09] More space than time.

[1:58:12] The great trading houses rely on the spice.

[1:58:16] Like Harkonnen and Atreides?

[1:58:18] Very much so.

[1:58:20] The spice is life.

[1:58:24] In opposition, fear is the mind killer.

[1:58:29] Yep.

[1:58:30] The little death within us all.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:36] Intro.

[1:58:37] Now in Chapter House Dune.

[1:58:39] Yes, Sammy?

[1:58:40] Oh, Sammy.

[1:58:41] Yeah, Dan?

[1:58:41] I'm tired.

[1:58:42] That's all right.

[1:58:42] Name me after my...

[1:58:43] I mean, I did make dinner for you and him the other...

[1:58:46] What was that?

[1:58:46] A week ago?

[1:58:47] A week and a half ago?

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:47] Oh, you guys made a little dinner?

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:49] Yeah, Dan came over.

[1:58:50] Would they have chicken pot pies or something?

[1:58:52] I mean, it was chicken and I made...

[1:58:54] And I roasted broccoli.

[1:58:55] And every now and then I'd take a moment to glance over and see my son and Dan lying head

[1:58:59] to head on the couch watching the Muppet Show.

[1:59:02] It was really adorable.

[1:59:03] It was pretty adorable, yeah.

S4

[1:59:04] Yeah.

[1:59:05] This is after we'd all gone out for ice cream.

[1:59:08] Yep.

[1:59:08] We're a regular family.

Dan McCoy

[1:59:14] MaximumFun.org.

[1:59:16] Comedy and culture.

[1:59:17] Artist owned.

[1:59:18] Listener supported.

S5

[1:59:20] Instead of door busting for a plasma TV this Black Friday, how about you stay in and snag

[1:59:25] the best deal of all?

[1:59:27] MaxFunCon 2017 tickets.

[1:59:29] MaxFunCon West returns to Lake Arrowhead next June.

[1:59:33] And MaxFunCon East is back in the Poconos next September.

[1:59:36] Tickets for both go on sale Friday, November 25th, and they're gonna sell out fast.

[1:59:41] So mark your calendars and visit MaxFunCon.com on November 25th to secure your spot.

[1:59:47] MaxFunCon.

[1:59:48] Way more fun than a smartwatch or whatever.

Ep. #217 - Independence Day: Resurgence

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