Ep. #219 - Saving Christmas

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Saving Christmas.

[0:04] Wait, we discuss how we're going to save Christmas, or is there a movie called Saving Christmas?

Stuart Wellington

[0:09] It's a movie directed by Mel Gibson.

[0:11] No.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:42] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] Hey, Dan, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] Hey, guys, Elliot Kalin here and ready for more Floptastic fun.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] And we are the Flophouse.

[0:53] Ho, ho, ho, it's December.

[0:56] Merry December.

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] You better watch out.

[1:00] You better December.

[1:01] You better not pout.

[1:02] I'll tell you December.

[1:05] It's slightly colder than November.

[1:09] But not as cold as January you'll get.

[1:12] February's cold too.

[1:13] March sometimes too.

[1:14] By the time you get to April, it's warming up.

[1:18] No, we're not doing this again.

Dan McCoy

[1:19] Shortest day of the year is in December.

[1:24] Merry December to all the fans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] December, December, December.

[1:29] I made it out of days.

[1:31] And when December's over, it'll be January.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] Oh, December, December, December.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] The month is the end of the year.

[1:39] December, December, December.

[1:41] Spiders are what I fear.

[1:43] Come on, guys.

[1:44] Not really true.

Dan McCoy

[1:45] I'm not afraid of spiders.

[1:46] But it fits.

[1:47] Stuart has a cold.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] He's so in pain.

[1:49] Yeah, a cold heart.

[1:50] He's a regular Scrooge.

Dan McCoy

[1:53] He's going to be visited by three spirits.

[1:56] A bourbon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] Both went for the same joke.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] Do we have to do a podcast today?

Elliott Kalan

[2:05] Stuart is having the double whammy of feeling a little sick and also having just watched the movie Saving Christmas starring Kirk Cameron, which is almost not a movie.

[2:13] It is pushing the boundaries of what can be a film as much as any art film I've ever seen.

[2:20] Yeah, it's pretty experimental in that regard.

[2:22] Like, if you were to ask me, what's more of a movie, this or wax or the discovery of television among the bees?

[2:27] I'd be like, well, that has a plot.

[2:29] It's a plot about a man with a six-sided TV in his head that bees put there, and he merges by bomb into two Iraqi soldiers during the Gulf War.

[2:37] But that's more of a movie than this.

Dan McCoy

[2:39] This is definitely the My Dinner with Andre of low-budget Christian films.

[2:44] It's basically just two guys talking for most of the time.

[2:47] In a car.

[2:48] Yeah.

[2:49] Except for whenever they get out of the car.

[2:52] Or they don't get out of the car.

[2:53] You never leave the car.

[2:55] Whenever the movie gets out of the car.

[2:56] Even when you get out of the car, you're still in the car.

[2:58] The one time the movie gets out of the car, it is for the most...

Stuart Wellington

[3:02] You're in a bigger car, and you're like, what?

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] Out of this car.

[3:05] In this big car.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] Car to hypercar.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] Is that the sequel to The Car?

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] Okay, you guys tricked me with stupid jokes.

[3:16] I still don't want to do this today.

[3:18] Okay, well, what if we told you that you got to...

Dan McCoy

[3:21] That you could be put in this Christianity today for the low, low price of $99.99.

Elliott Kalan

[3:27] The low, low price of your soul.

[3:29] You could have eternal life.

[3:31] Now, let's let that sink in for a moment.

[3:34] Because the minute you're born, you start to die.

[3:37] That's just how it works.

[3:39] Life is just a brief flame between the cradle and the grave.

[3:43] I tell you, it's a one-way trip, and there's no return pass.

[3:46] Well, let me tell you, buddy.

[3:48] There is a way you can live forever.

[3:50] And all you have to do is celebrate Christmas the exact fucking way Kirk Cameron tells you to.

[3:57] Because if you don't want a tree, Santa Claus, gifts, or a nativity scene in a snow globe...

[4:03] Yeah.

[4:03] Then you're going to get, I assume, burned at the stake.

[4:06] Santa Claus is coming to town to beat the shit out of you.

[4:09] I mean, this movie does include a scene where St. Nicholas, the person that Santa Claus is supposedly based on, does beat up a guy.

Stuart Wellington

[4:16] So, guys, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:19] Oh, sorry.

[4:20] We should give our mission statement.

[4:21] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[4:25] And because it's the holiday season, we...

[4:29] Did Kirk Cameron teach you nothing?

[4:30] It's the Christmas.

[4:31] Okay.

[4:33] We picked Saving Christmas.

[4:35] Or I did.

[4:36] 2014's hit film.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] To say I knew what we'd be watching before it started playing would be a lie.

[4:43] Actually, no.

[4:43] The first reason I knew we were watching Saving Christmas was because the screen came up on Dan's TV, and we saw that it was a full and plump 79 minutes long.

[4:54] And we were overjoyed.

[4:55] It's a Christmas miracle.

[4:56] Less than an hour and a half.

[4:58] Little did we know that fully at least a third of that 79 minutes...

[5:00] So much bounty.

Stuart Wellington

[5:01] What have we done to deserve this treasure?

[5:03] Oh, nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] But that's God's grace.

[5:05] That's just the mystery of it.

[5:08] Fully a third or more of the movie is filler.

[5:11] There are two or three...

[5:13] It's all filler.

[5:13] No killer.

[5:14] This movie.

[5:15] There are two or three introductory prologues.

[5:19] There's at least two epilogues.

[5:20] And credit sequences.

[5:21] Yeah.

[5:22] You get to see four...

Dan McCoy

[5:23] There's stuff that happens, and then there's production company logo, and then there's stuff that happens, and then another production company logo, and then more stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[5:31] You get to see four different versions of the...

[5:34] What is this?

[5:35] Magic Christian Church?

[5:37] Lutheran University?

[5:38] Which one is it?

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] It's surely the only film that boasts both Samuel Goldwyn Productions and Liberty University as, I guess, involved in the production and distribution in some way.

Dan McCoy

[5:50] Yeah.

[5:51] So the movie begins...

Elliott Kalan

[5:52] I would say that Samuel Goldwyn, a Jewish man who was dedicated to a certain sort of middle-to-highbrow, kind of your classic quality film, say what you will about how stodgy that might be, but he produced a number of movies that are genuinely wonderful.

[6:07] I don't know that he would have been so into distributing a $500,000 budget infomercial for rationalizing the non-religious elements of Christmas as actually being far more religious than everything else.

[6:24] That if you...

[6:24] The mission statement of this movie is, if you have an issue with...

[6:29] Let's say, you don't have an issue with Christianity.

[6:31] You're already Christian.

[6:32] The movie takes it for granted.

[6:33] If you're watching this movie, you're Christian.

[6:35] Which, to be fair, is probably the case.

Stuart Wellington

[6:37] Yeah, it's either a Christian person or assholes who do all these stupid podcasts that nobody listens to.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only non-Christian person to ever see this entire movie.

[6:46] Ever.

Dan McCoy

[6:47] I don't know.

[6:47] There's probably out there someone has tied down a Jewish person and made them watch this in a weird effort to convert them.

[6:55] I guess maybe, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] I mean, it would be a very weird effort.

Stuart Wellington

[6:58] Yeah, well, like, do you imagine that you're a high school kid, you're invited to a party from the...

[7:04] Well, I've never been in that situation, but yeah.

[7:06] From, like, some cool kids, and you're like, oh, these cool white kids are really nice.

[7:09] They invited me to this special party.

[7:11] Why are they white?

[7:12] Well, because, Smash Cut, the party ends up, you're in the basement.

[7:16] Everybody's looking at you weird.

[7:18] They start a movie, and you're like, oh, I hope it's a spooky, scary movie.

[7:21] And in a way, it is spooky, scary.

[7:23] Because the movie they're showing you is Saving Christmas.

[7:28] Not Surviving Christmas.

[7:28] Surviving Christmas is different.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] I mean...

[7:30] Christmas with the cranks?

Stuart Wellington

[7:32] So you get up to leave.

[7:34] You get up to leave.

[7:35] You don't want to watch this movie.

[7:37] And you find the basement door is locked.

[7:39] And there's, like, 16 hungry kids down there.

[7:43] Hungry for your flesh.

[7:45] Yeah.

[7:45] Or pizza rolls.

[7:46] Who knows?

[7:47] Kids love both of them.

[7:49] So there's a little slot at the bottom of the door.

[7:51] That's where mom can slip the tray with pizza rolls on it.

[7:54] Or perhaps a Go-Gurt.

[7:56] Or, uh, I don't know if those slots are wide enough for the Sam's Club size Go-Gurt containers.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] Why are they the Sam's Club size?

[8:05] She just gives you the individual...

[8:05] It's because of the value, dude.

[8:06] Yeah, come on.

[8:07] How much do you think she's made of money?

[8:10] Then you take the individual sleeves of Go-Gurt out of that, and you slide it under the door.

[8:15] No, we get it in trough size, because we're a hungry family of six kids.

[8:19] You're gonna be...

[8:20] You gotta be transferring it to a smaller package at some point, or else you'll lose the go aspect of Go-Gurt.

[8:25] Which is that it's mobile, and you can eat it on the go.

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] I think if you put the trough on a skateboard, and then the six kids kind of, like, shimmy alongside next to it...

[8:35] I hope...

[8:35] You're not getting your steps on your Fitbit counter.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] Certainly not.

[8:38] But, look, you better either be on the go drinking it from a sleeve, or sitting down playing the ancient game of Go.

[8:46] Sure.

[8:47] Or it is not Go-Gurt.

Dan McCoy

[8:48] Yeah.

[8:48] But whether you have Go-Gurt or yogurt, the important thing is the Gurt.

[8:52] We can all agree on that.

Elliott Kalan

[8:53] Sure, Gurt is where it's at.

Stuart Wellington

[8:57] Gurt-y the dinosaur?

[8:58] How in a world where they were trying to make yogurt sound cooler, they changed the yo part of the word.

[9:05] The fact that it already has a cool word in it?

[9:07] Yeah.

[9:07] And not Gurt, which sounds terrible?

[9:10] Yeah, I mean, that's...

[9:11] If you're gonna try and connect with hip teens...

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] Yeah.

[9:14] I mean, yo is something they say all the time.

[9:16] Yo, Willie!

[9:17] You know, because they're all Alf.

Dan McCoy

[9:18] Yo, Gabba, Gabba.

[9:19] Yo, Gabba, Gabba.

[9:21] Yo, yo.

[9:22] The coolest of the toys.

[9:23] Are there Justine Bateman's boyfriend from Family Ties who always said yo?

[9:29] Did he?

[9:30] Nick, I believe, was his name.

[9:31] I don't remember that character.

Stuart Wellington

[9:32] Did he die in a car accident?

[9:35] You're thinking of James Dean.

[9:36] Okay.

[9:37] I think I am.

[9:38] Yeah, or did Princess Di, maybe?

[9:40] Yep.

[9:40] Who's known for dying?

Dan McCoy

[9:42] Oh, two.

[9:44] What?

[9:44] Come on.

[9:45] She was the People's Princess.

[9:46] We should have known is all I'm saying.

[9:47] She was the People's Republic of Princess.

Elliott Kalan

[9:49] It's right there in the name the whole time.

[9:51] So, now that we've offended everybody, let's talk about the movie that offended us.

[9:55] Saving Christmas.

[9:56] Segway of the Year Award for your consideration.

Stuart Wellington

[10:00] So, the movie begins in a nativity scene.

Elliott Kalan

[10:04] Yes.

[10:05] Does it leave?

[10:05] The nativity of Kirk Cameron's house.

[10:08] So, the movie starts with Kirk Cameron literally sitting in front of a fireplace establishing the

[10:13] mission statement for this movie, which is that.

Stuart Wellington

[10:15] Yeah, like a Christmas special type opening.

[10:17] Like, if you were doing interstitials for, I don't know, you're showing Ernest Saves Christmas

[10:21] or something.

Elliott Kalan

[10:22] Yeah, and Jim Varney, rest in peace, is going to sit in this chair.

[10:25] I mean, he's not going to.

[10:26] You're not going to put his corpse there.

[10:28] That's crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[10:31] It's not like a Wild West, like, Wild Bill Hickok dead body show or something.

[10:36] Wait, what?

[10:37] You know where you're going.

[10:38] You're not putting it on display.

[10:39] You're not putting your corpse on display.

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] That didn't happen to Wild Bill Hickok.

[10:42] You're thinking of Jonah Hex that happened to.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] Wait, Jonah Hex died?

[10:46] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[10:48] Actually, there's a really great Jonah Hex story about his stuffed body is now part of

[10:53] like a sideshow, but somehow his guns are still loaded.

[10:56] So, even though he's a stuffed corpse, he still kills somebody.

[10:59] Anyway, it's a fun story.

[11:01] Yeah, but.

[11:02] But, so, Chris Cameron.

[11:03] So, Kirk Cameron is sitting there.

[11:05] Christian Cameron.

[11:06] The very Christian Cameron.

[11:07] He's sitting in a chair, sipping a mug of cocoa.

[11:10] Yeah, very slowly.

[11:11] And he very slowly explains the purpose of the movie, which is that there's two types of

[11:16] people out there.

[11:17] People who are telling you, hey, you can celebrate Christmas, but be a little quieter.

[11:21] It doesn't belong in the public square.

[11:23] And people telling you, hey, all this stuff about Christmas, the tree, Santa Claus, the

[11:28] elves, it's pagan.

[11:29] It's not even in the Bible.

[11:31] And he's saying, don't listen to those fuckers, because it's all Christian, and the world

[11:36] should be Christian.

[11:37] Cue the movie.

Dan McCoy

[11:38] And then he's cut to the next group of production logos.

[11:41] But I love how it is, like, actually how the world is.

[11:44] Like, Christianity is, like, walking around, like, this thing, it's mine now.

[11:48] That thing, it's me.

[11:50] I've got it.

[11:50] I mean, that is the history of Western civilization.

Elliott Kalan

[11:53] He does say, he says, I love the fire, because he's in front of a fireplace.

[11:58] And it's a great time to grout your beard.

Stuart Wellington

[12:00] It's a fire, it destroys everything.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] It cares not.

[12:02] It's a cleansing fire.

[12:04] It purifies the soul.

[12:07] The tool of Vulcan.

[12:09] It's destroyer of forests, heater of food, man's oldest enemy.

[12:13] This building is on fire.

Dan McCoy

[12:15] Gremlins 2, the new batch.

[12:16] Great stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[12:17] So he's basically, but he claims claim.

Stuart Wellington

[12:19] Oh, man, what a much better movie.

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] And a much better Christmas movie, right?

[12:25] Well, that was not Christmas.

[12:26] That happens on President's Day, right?

[12:29] Well, they talk about President's Day, because it's not on President's Day, but someone mentions-

[12:35] Someone mentions this.

[12:35] Someone mentions Lincoln.

[12:37] Yeah, Lincoln's birthday.

Stuart Wellington

[12:38] And it kind of, in a way, it takes place on New Year's Eve.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] In a way.

[12:43] Okay.

[12:43] I retract that it's a Christmas movie, the first Gremlins Christmas movie.

[12:47] Let's say it takes place on a, maybe it's an Arbor Day film.

Stuart Wellington

[12:51] Well, to the Gremlins, before they all die, spoiler alert, they kind of think it's New

[12:55] Year's Eve, and they're singing New York, New York, they're just partying their hands.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] I mean, New York, New York's not a New Year's Eve song.

[13:00] Kind of it is.

[13:01] What else do you hear it?

[13:02] Anytime you're in the airport at New York, when you're leaving a Yankees game, they always

[13:07] play it.

[13:08] Yep.

[13:08] Well, that doesn't happen ever.

[13:09] When you're watching the film New York, New York, you hear Liza Minnelli sing it.

Dan McCoy

[13:13] When you're having sex with Frank Sinatra, he just sings it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] That's what happens.

[13:18] Yeah, because that's the part about top of the heap.

[13:21] Yeah.

[13:21] He sings that while he's on top of you, and then he goes, get it, ring-a-ding-ding.

[13:26] You're the heap, baby.

[13:27] I'm calling you a heap.

[13:29] I'm done.

[13:29] I'm ringing your ding-ding.

[13:30] Get out of here.

[13:31] Money's on the table.

[13:35] Old Blue Eyes is not back.

[13:38] What?

[13:39] Get out of here.

[13:42] Gino, take care of her.

[13:43] Because there's been a guy.

[13:44] Gino was there the whole time.

[13:45] He's sitting in the corner.

[13:46] You got it, Frank.

Stuart Wellington

[13:47] Just waiting for him to finish so he can hustle you out.

[13:49] Yep.

[13:49] And he looks at the camera, and he goes, it's a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[13:52] Sammy, you want to turn?

[13:53] No.

[13:54] All right.

[13:54] Get her out of here.

[13:56] It's terrible.

[13:57] I mean, he was a terrible man.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Frank Sinatra?

[13:59] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[14:00] His voice is like an angel, though.

[14:02] Yeah.

[14:02] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] But anyway, Kirk Cameron, he lays claim to things like fireplaces and beards, as if those

[14:09] are part of Christmas.

[14:11] But he says, don't listen to those people.

[14:12] Everything about Christmas is religious.

[14:15] Here's how you'll find out.

[14:16] Then cut to the title credits.

[14:18] It's an animated, you know, birth of Jesus.

Stuart Wellington

[14:20] With ska Christmas music playing.

[14:23] The movie thinks...

[14:23] It's like the cherry protectant daddies are playing this song.

Elliott Kalan

[14:27] The cherry protectant daddies.

[14:30] I get it.

[14:31] I get it.

[14:31] Dan doesn't seem to enjoy much yet.

Dan McCoy

[14:33] It took me a moment.

[14:34] Because there was a band in the 90s.

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] Now, there was a band who played on, I believe, the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, whose name

[14:41] was the cherry popping daddies.

[14:42] Yeah, I guess a swing revival.

[14:43] A name that implies, at the very least, that a man with children of his own is going about...

[14:48] It wasn't really a...

[14:49] ...deflowering someone else's children.

[14:51] It wasn't really a ska band.

Dan McCoy

[14:52] Or at worst, his children.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] What was it then?

[14:55] It was part of the swing?

[14:55] Swing revival.

[14:56] Oh, you're right.

[14:56] It was part of the swing revival.

Dan McCoy

[14:57] I mean, if you're making a save Ferris joke, maybe then I would have been on board.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] What's another...

[15:01] Well, what about like...

[15:02] Like real big fish?

[15:03] Yeah, yeah.

[15:03] It's real big fisher of men.

[15:06] There you go.

[15:06] Perfect.

[15:07] There you go.

[15:07] Done.

[15:08] We did it.

[15:09] Case closed.

[15:11] Take him away, boys.

[15:12] Oh, no, no.

[15:14] Cage will keep me.

[15:15] What about Nicolas Cage?

[15:16] Here, I'll keep him in my house.

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] In my castle that I sold.

[15:19] I'll put him in my pyramid tomb.

[15:24] I forgot he had one of those.

[15:27] Yeah, so I'll be like the risen Osiris.

Stuart Wellington

[15:30] My organs will be kept in canoptic jars.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] Gotta keep my ca.

[15:35] Can't spell Cage without ca.

[15:37] It's not spelled that way, but you get the idea.

[15:41] Nicolas Nicodemus.

[15:44] Sure.

[15:44] That's an Egyptian thing, right?

[15:45] There's something there.

[15:46] Keep going.

[15:47] Nicolas Coptic.

[15:48] Anyway.

[15:50] So, Kirk Cameron has established a mission statement.

[15:52] So, cut to.

[15:53] We are at the swinginest Christmas party at someone's McMansion that there is.

[15:59] And Kirk Cameron, it's his sister's house.

[16:01] And she's married to a guy named Christian, despite the fact that he looks, and he's coded

[16:07] as super Jewish.

[16:09] Glasses.

[16:10] Beard goatee.

[16:11] Asks a lot of questions.

[16:12] Asks a lot of questions.

[16:13] Talks like, is this Christmas?

[16:16] Is this Christmas?

[16:17] I don't.

Elliott Kalan

[16:19] Oh, I just celebrate Christmas like this.

[16:20] Like that.

[16:20] Like this.

[16:21] Oh, gentles like this.

[16:22] Turn into Jackie Mason.

[16:23] Jackie Mason.

[16:24] Yeah.

[16:24] Jackie Freemason.

[16:26] The conspiracy comedian.

Stuart Wellington

[16:28] And Kirk Cameron's sister, I believe, is played by his real life sister.

[16:31] Or possibly a woman who just had her last name changed to Cameron.

Elliott Kalan

[16:34] Maybe.

[16:35] And the guy who plays his brother-in-law, Christian, is also the screenwriter and the director of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[16:40] Yeah.

[16:40] Oh, that's why he takes direction so well.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] I think that's why he's allowed to ramble on for minute after minute and take after take.

Dan McCoy

[16:48] He's allowed to improvise as if he's doing like a viola spolen exercise every time he's on.

[16:54] Swollen viola?

[16:55] Yeah, swollen viola.

[16:57] Viola spolen.

[16:58] I don't know what that is.

[16:59] She's one of the seminal figures in improvisation.

[17:04] Oh, okay.

[17:04] What does she do?

[17:07] She helped invent improv as a form?

[17:11] Because you know who I thought invented improv?

[17:14] Jesus.

[17:14] Oh, okay.

[17:15] When he improvised the Sermon on the Mount.

Elliott Kalan

[17:18] Oh, wow.

[17:19] He goes, I need a word to bless.

[17:23] I need a suggestion of something to bless.

[17:25] The meek.

[17:26] Oh, thank you.

[17:27] Blessed are the meeks, for they shall inherit the earth.

[17:30] Okay, I need another thing to bless.

[17:33] Peacemakers.

[17:35] And that's all the Sermon on the Mount that I know.

[17:37] There's some short scenes there.

[17:40] Every time he's done.

[17:41] Short form Christianity.

[17:42] Every time Judas runs across the stage to show that the scene is over.

[17:47] Anyway, Christian is appalled that his family is throwing this Christmas party that's so materialistic.

[17:54] It's not really about what's in the Bible or about the important thing, which is Jesus.

[17:58] And everything's distracting from Jesus.

Stuart Wellington

[17:59] It's a very well-attended, multicultural Christmas party filled with giant plastic candy canes and stars.

[18:09] Giant wrapped gifts.

[18:10] Big old nutcracker in the corner.

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] A man dressed as Santa Claus who is barely trying to keep his beard on.

[18:16] Yeah.

[18:17] It's a rip snorter of a holiday party.

[18:21] And Kirk Cameron, and there's like five speaking parts in the whole movie.

[18:24] Three of the characters barely enter into it.

[18:27] And the other two are Kirk Cameron and Christian.

[18:29] And so Christian storms out to his car.

[18:31] He can't deal with this.

[18:32] And Kirk Cameron decides he's going to go drop a little gospel knowledge on him so that he understands that this is actually the right way to celebrate Christmas.

[18:40] And he does this with three, eventually four monologues about how each of these elements that seem like they're not part of celebrating the divinity of Jesus actually are.

[18:52] And if you don't do them, you're kind of a heretic who needs to die.

[18:56] And they are hilariously reaching.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] They might as well be like Riddler jokes in the Batman series.

[19:07] The way that they make a connection between two unconnected things.

Stuart Wellington

[19:12] Well, this conversation, and I use that term loosely, begins with Christian sitting in his SUV listening to, I don't know, one of many different types of songs that are played.

Elliott Kalan

[19:21] They listen to a country song, some kind of funk song, a hip-hop song, just in the background.

[19:27] But here, here's the thing I just didn't realize until now.

[19:30] You know why Kirk Cameron's so mad?

[19:31] What's that?

[19:32] You know what Christian's refusing to do at his own party?

[19:34] Mingle.

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] Oh.

[19:37] Christian Mingle.

[19:39] That's why, because that's another movie.

[19:42] Anyway, what you were saying.

[19:44] So their conversation begins with Christian basically laying out all the reasons why he doesn't agree with the materialism of Christmas and the various traditions that are associated with it.

[19:56] And Kirk Cameron never really answers that.

[19:59] Like, he never, he starts to, he never really actually talks.

[20:04] Like, it begins, it's exclusively told through stories rather than, like, and him revealing information as opposed to, like, actually trying to get to the bottom of what his brother-in-law's problems are.

[20:15] It's not a real dialogue.

Elliott Kalan

[20:17] It is, yeah, it's a series of, it's a series of speeches explicating each of these things.

[20:25] But they're all, like, imagine a stone.

[20:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[20:29] A stone in a cave.

[20:31] So the three things that, while they're in the car, at least, that Christian is upset about are, number one, for some reason.

[20:41] Huey, Dewey, Louie.

[20:42] For some reason, the nativity snow globe, which is, of course, the major objection that anyone has a problem with the corruption of Christmas has.

[20:49] There's all these nativity snow globes everywhere.

[20:52] Number two, the Christmas tree.

[20:54] And lastly, what was the third one?

[20:56] Santa Claus.

[20:57] How did I forget Santa Claus?

[20:58] The biggest one of them all.

[21:00] Because he's a fat man.

[21:01] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[21:02] Covered in red.

[21:03] He thinks, as to quote Chico Marx, there ain't no sanity clause.

Stuart Wellington

[21:12] Wow, you really worked that in easily.

Elliott Kalan

[21:15] Segway of the year award.

[21:17] For your consideration.

[21:20] So, let's try to very quickly do it.

[21:23] The explanation for why the nativity snow globe is important is because you have to remember that Jesus was born to die.

[21:30] But that he, the Herod soldiers wanted to kill him when he was a baby.

[21:34] But, nuh-uh.

[21:35] God was going to kill Jesus when God was good and ready.

[21:38] So he did.

[21:39] It doesn't really explain, it doesn't really get at why.

[21:43] I mean, he said, Christian says, Jesus wasn't born in December, so why do you do this now?

[21:47] And Kirk Cameron kind of dances around that.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:50] It's weird that the movie, they could have just edited out the things that the stories don't really address.

[21:55] But instead, they leave him in anyway.

Dan McCoy

[21:58] And I don't want to, there's no way to put too fine a point on it.

[22:02] Like, Christian.

[22:03] Not to put too fine a point on it, maybe there's a bee in your bonnet.

[22:07] Yeah.

[22:07] Make a little birdhouse in your soul.

[22:09] While you're at it.

[22:10] Leave the nightlight on.

[22:11] Inside.

[22:12] The birdhouse in my soul.

[22:14] But, here's the thing, like, Christian is, as his name would suggest, a Christian.

[22:19] Like, it's not like this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] Oh, I get it.

[22:22] Oh, I get it.

[22:23] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[22:24] This movie is not about the spiritual awakening of a non-believer.

[22:28] It's about one type of believer versus another type of believer.

[22:32] And Christian's type of believer is like, look, I mean, like, there's nothing in the Bible that says this happened at Christmas.

[22:38] Like, it didn't happen at Christmas.

[22:39] Like, it didn't happen in the winter.

[22:41] Didn't happen in December.

[22:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] Even if it did, December in, where was Jesus born?

[22:50] Was it Nazareth or did he grow up in Nazareth?

Stuart Wellington

[22:52] Bethlehem.

[22:53] Bethlehem, that's right.

[22:54] That's that Now You're Messing with a Son of a Bitch song?

[22:57] That's by Nazareth?

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] Yeah.

[22:59] But, like, even December in Bethlehem, it most likely would not have snowed.

[23:03] They would not have pine trees around everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[23:06] Yeah.

[23:06] The pine tree is a pagan symbol that was borrowed from the winter solstice rather than a...

Elliott Kalan

[23:13] And I just realized now, like, yeah, you better believe Jesus' family was not eating ham at that time because it's not kosher.

Dan McCoy

[23:19] Yeah.

[23:19] Like, they never would have.

[23:21] Ever.

[23:21] So, let's say that Christian is, like, the intellectual Christian.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] He's the Christian who is looking, yeah, who's trying to put some kind of, for lack of a better word, let's call it scientific or historical basis to his faith.

[23:36] Whereas Kirk Cameron, I guess, is supposedly presenting kind of the more mystical or metaphysical, like, symbology of faith.

Dan McCoy

[23:47] But really, it's kind of just like a go-along, get-along Christian.

[23:49] Well, but he's a...

Stuart Wellington

[23:50] Well, that's his mentality, but he uses the weapons of the enemy by trying to use symbology and, like, historical record to back him up.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] I guess so.

[23:58] It's, yeah, it's like he is...

[24:00] He uses a lot of extreme, like, very tortured explanations to explain why, oh, no, the proper way to celebrate Christmas and, therefore, to be a Christian is to do it the way that middle-to-upper-class middle white Americans do it in the late 20th, early 21st century.

Stuart Wellington

[24:19] That's what God meant all this time.

[24:21] The importance of the mistletoe hanging above a couple that's about to smooch is that it reflects the base desires of two animal...

[24:30] I don't know enough about Christianity, guys, help me out.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Like, it's...

[24:33] There's a part at the end where...

[24:35] He talks about the tree.

[24:36] He goes, in Genesis, God creates a lot of trees, and then there's this other tree, and here's another tree.

[24:41] Boom, trees.

[24:42] With Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas went to the Council of Nicaea, and he was the one who stood up for Christ's divinity.

[24:50] So Santa Claus isn't distracting from Jesus.

[24:52] He's protecting Jesus.

[24:54] And it's like...

[24:55] Each of these things, it feels like you're watching a Glenn Beck show where you're like, you've taken, like, three actual historic facts, and you've spun a web between them that, like, doesn't really hold up and doesn't answer the criticism.

[25:07] And all you've...

[25:09] All you're really doing...

[25:10] There's a scene...

[25:10] Here's the shot that made this movie for me.

[25:13] It was when Christian realizes his error of his ways and goes back in to apologize to his wife for being a jerk, and walks past two enormous refrigerators in their huge kitchen.

[25:25] Yeah.

[25:25] Next to...

[25:26] Like, they have an entire...

[25:27] Like, a refrigerator-sized wine holder.

[25:31] Yeah.

[25:32] That's...

[25:32] A wine fridge.

[25:33] A wine fridge.

[25:33] And it's like, oh, that's what this movie is all about.

[25:36] This movie is all about how, like, it's totally okay to be a Christian who spends all of his money on stuff for himself and is working towards having a lifestyle that demands three enormous refrigerators next to each other.

[25:49] Yeah.

[25:50] Because Jesus wants you to have all this stuff, dude.

[25:53] And then it becomes explicit when, at the end, they're eating dinner and there's a voiceover from Kirk Cameron who's...

[25:58] As if...

[25:59] Because it's like they forgot to address this thing, so they threw it in.

[26:02] Hey, people say the materialism gets to you.

[26:05] Well, the story of Christ is all about the story of someone overcoming the material world and the material flesh.

Dan McCoy

[26:11] No, it was like...

[26:12] No, it's about a divine person made material.

[26:15] And so...

[26:16] Yeah.

[26:16] ...giving material things is okay.

[26:18] It's a celebration of material.

[26:20] And you're seeing like...

[26:21] My fucking God.

[26:22] This is like the opposite of the...

[26:24] And this is...

[26:25] ...the Christian...

[26:26] This is...

[26:26] Dogma.

Elliott Kalan

[26:27] This is literally over like catalog shots of like very nice napkins and silver napkin rings on like a...

[26:34] On a beautifully laid table.

Dan McCoy

[26:35] Like the whole thing...

[26:37] You feel like if someone brought up the parable of the camel and going through the eye of the needle and a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven, they'd be like, uh, look over there.

[26:46] No, they'd run off.

Elliott Kalan

[26:47] They'd come up with some way to explain how actually the needle represents posterity.

[26:52] And what they're saying is God is so generous that he'd make a needle big enough for a camel to get through.

[26:59] That's why he wants you to have this stuff.

[27:01] He's so generous.

[27:02] And when he talks about, uh...

[27:04] He also talks about St. Nick beating the shit out of somebody, which is like as if like this guy was a hero.

[27:10] He beat the crap out of this guy.

[27:12] Yeah.

[27:12] Which seems also like kind of a non-Jesus way to act.

[27:15] But, but, but, actually the best rationalization is the guy, Christian, to show he's now humble, throws open the doors of his house and then slides in on his belly along the...

[27:28] Marble floor.

[27:29] Really polished marble floor.

[27:31] So that he is at eye level with the presents.

[27:33] And it goes, look up at those presents.

[27:35] Those boxes wrapped under the tree.

[27:38] Don't they look kind of like a skyline for the perfect city of heaven that God dwells in?

[27:44] And look at you with the tree above it.

[27:46] And that tree symbolizes Jesus and that's the center, blah, blah, blah.

Dan McCoy

[27:49] But it was like, wait, hold on a second.

[27:52] We're supposed to give presents to each other because if you look at them from the floor, they look like a city?

[27:58] I'm not sure that tracks.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] And like, I am, I am, I like, I remember we did Fireproof, which was another Cameron Christian movie.

[28:06] Yeah.

[28:07] And I wanted to go out of my way to say like, look, I have no problem with people's faith.

[28:12] I respect people having that faith.

[28:14] And I admire it about people.

[28:15] And I've got my own faith that I don't need to get into.

[28:19] It's called Chromism.

Stuart Wellington

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:21] Oh, wow.

[28:22] No, no.

[28:22] But like as a.

[28:23] You believe in the strength of one's arm.

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] It's the only faith I have.

[28:29] The only prayers that have been answered are the ones answered by these fists.

[28:33] But like it's really that religious faith is something that I have a lot of respect for it.

[28:38] And that I think is very beautiful.

[28:39] But so I like don't want to get, I don't want to be at the point where I'm like, look at these dumb religious people.

[28:45] But like this movie is really dumb.

Dan McCoy

[28:47] And it takes.

[28:47] Well, no, you're not saying that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:48] It takes the things that are valuable to the human spirit about religion.

[28:51] I mean, I'm saying this movie is really dumb.

[28:53] No, it is dumb.

[28:53] No, but you're not saying that about religion.

[28:54] No, but the, like that, it takes the things that are most necessary and valuable about spiritual life.

[29:01] And it's like, look, dude, you can believe in Jesus all you want.

[29:04] But if you're not buying a shit ton of presents and dressing up as Santa Claus and putting a tree up, you might as well be a tourist.

[29:11] You know, like it's.

[29:13] Yeah, I mean, like, well, I'm a.

[29:14] Even the fact that I pronounce terrorist that way, as if making fun of somebody from a different region I don't like.

[29:18] That wasn't fair of me.

[29:20] That wasn't fair to you, Dan.

[29:21] Well, I grew up.

[29:21] To make fun of the way you say it.

[29:23] Okay.

[29:24] Do you say it that way?

[29:25] Terrorist?

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] Oh, no, you say it that way.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:27] You say terrorist.

[29:28] I mean, there's a certain slack jawness of Dan's pronunciation.

[29:31] Yeah, I think, yeah.

[29:32] Like a Cro-Magnon man.

[29:33] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[29:34] Don't know what I said.

[29:35] That was weird.

[29:36] But anyway.

[29:37] I mean, I grew up in the Christian faith and my father was a minister.

[29:41] My grandfather was a minister.

[29:42] My other grandfather was a minister.

[29:44] My uncle was a minister.

[29:46] I went to church every Sunday.

[29:48] And I think this movie is the dumbest thing.

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] It is really.

[29:52] But also, there's the fact that.

[29:54] So you think the movie's over because Christians realize the error of his ways.

[29:57] They take a snapshot of the whole family.

[30:00] Freeze frame.

[30:00] It says Merry Christmas in text.

[30:02] Movie's over, right?

[30:03] That should be the end, right?

[30:04] No, incorrect.

[30:05] He's got to apologize to his wife and then have a dance party, a hip-hop dance party.

[30:09] They do a hip-hop dance party.

[30:10] For like five straight minutes.

[30:11] Well, great.

[30:12] Credits are going to roll during this, right?

[30:15] No.

[30:15] Time to sit down for dinner so Kirk Cameron can talk to us about materialism.

[30:20] Wrong.

[30:21] Time for the bloops.

[30:22] We finally got some bloops at the end of a movie, which did make me a little happy.

[30:27] Then we finally got some bloopers.

Stuart Wellington

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:29] A lengthy blooper segment pads out the fatted goose of 79 minutes.

[30:35] It brings me...

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] It's like they had to have so much filler to reach the barest minimum length for a feature film.

Dan McCoy

[30:42] Yeah.

[30:43] I mean, this brings me to the non-car scene that I wanted to get at before, which is like

[30:48] the lion's share of the bloopers are this scene between the one black guy in the movie and...

[30:56] DeAndre?

[30:56] DeAndre.

[30:57] This other guy.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] Played by actor and producer of this movie whose name I don't remember.

[31:02] But this is his only role.

[31:03] And he fucking chews the shit out of that scene.

[31:06] Yeah.

[31:06] He is a born ham.

Dan McCoy

[31:08] And like a guy who kind of looks like the Christian David Cross.

[31:13] And they...

[31:14] David crucified on a cross.

[31:16] I guess the Christian David Cross would just be called David...

[31:18] If anything, David Cross should change his name to David, Star of David.

Elliott Kalan

[31:22] Like something like that.

[31:23] His name, I never realized, is the perfect melding of Judaism and Christianity.

[31:27] David Cross.

[31:28] He is the hinge point between the Bible and the New Testament.

Dan McCoy

[31:33] But there's this one inexplicable scene where we...

[31:36] Early in the movie where we cut from the car and the stories that are being told.

[31:41] And it's the one time that we leave...

[31:42] The beautiful stories.

[31:43] It's the one time that we leave these two guys in the car.

Stuart Wellington

[31:46] A moment where we're like, oh, let's check back in on that awesome party.

[31:49] Yeah.

[31:50] And it's...

Dan McCoy

[31:51] Let's leave my awkward car sit with Andre to go see these other guys.

[31:55] These two guys hiding their mouth with mugs so no one can see them.

[31:59] No one can see what they're talking about.

[32:01] And so that they can dub in the dialogue later.

[32:03] They dub in this long monologue about this conspiracy.

[32:08] Like this guy's like going through all these conspiracy theories and like part of what he talks about in his conspiracy theories is the war on Christmas.

[32:14] So this movie takes like a weird like a surprising anti-war on Christmas tack.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] They choose this character to like...

[32:22] He's clearly supposed to be like...

[32:24] It's a humor moment and you're not supposed to take him seriously.

[32:27] But he talks about the war on Christmas and there's fewer bees and there's chemtrails and the New World Order.

[32:34] I saw it on Fox News.

[32:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:35] So they're putting Fox News and the war on Christmas on the same level as chemtrails.

[32:39] So clearly the movie is like...

[32:42] Interestingly...

[32:44] Ideologically mixed on a lot of things.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] But at the same time, I don't...

[32:48] Like there's no purpose to the scene.

[32:50] Like it doesn't make any sense.

[32:51] Fucking yucks, dude.

[32:53] Yeah.

[32:53] Fucking yucks.

Stuart Wellington

[32:54] Yeah.

[32:54] To get us fucking cracking up.

[32:57] You know?

[32:57] Because you don't want people to only hear like super serious stories about Santa being a badass.

[33:02] True.

[33:03] True.

[33:03] They came here for jokes and entertainment.

[33:05] They didn't come here just for a sermon.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] Boring.

[33:06] Some story about a tree that I totally forgot.

[33:09] What's crazy is that when I saw the trailer for this movie a long time ago, I thought it was going to be about Kirk Cameron coming out against the materialism of Christmas.

[33:19] And trying to reinvent his room.

Stuart Wellington

[33:19] We all assume that going into...

[33:21] Like...

[33:21] It's a natural assumption.

[33:23] The moment when the movie pulls an audition level fucking switch mode.

[33:27] And we're like, this is not the movie we were expecting.

[33:30] This is a movie where he's justifying materialism.

[33:33] It's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] It's like this movie was conceived as a direct response to Charlie Brown Christmas.

[33:39] It's like, no, Linus.

[33:41] That is not what this is about.

[33:43] This is about doing the things we tell you to do.

[33:47] Now I wish we had the DVD so we watched the deleted scenes for Kirk Cameron.

[33:51] And explains why eggnog is part of God's plan.

Dan McCoy

[33:52] There's literally a part in the movie where Kirk Cameron goes, now let's feast.

[33:58] And it's just like, you might as well be like, gluttony.

Elliott Kalan

[34:02] Gluttony for all.

[34:04] It's a movie that...

[34:06] It's a movie that...

[34:08] I mean, it was made to be shown in church basements and stuff like that.

[34:11] Or like...

[34:12] I assume, Dan, this is the kind of movie you're...

[34:14] As pornography.

[34:15] Kind of.

[34:16] In a way, there's a lot of pornography to it.

[34:18] Like the moment where...

[34:20] Well, the hardcore scene in the middle between Jesus and Mary was crazy.

[34:24] I mean, that's his mom.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] I'm not into those.

[34:27] But showing a guy like Kirk Cameron convincing another smart guy with like his weird bullshit logic to go along with what he's saying.

[34:38] Like that's the ultimate pornography for some folks.

[34:41] The idea that you've like...

[34:42] Interesting.

[34:42] You've had a conversation and through your own fucking logic, you convinced him.

[34:46] Like nothing gets his fucking boner exploding faster.

Dan McCoy

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:50] The most easily convinced man in the world.

[34:53] Like Kirk Cameron like tells him a story and he's like, oh, yeah, I never thought of that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:58] My eyes have been opened.

[34:59] If Kirk Cameron was like, I got to use the bathroom.

[35:01] Stay right here and left.

[35:02] And then another guy got in and started telling him the opposite.

[35:05] He'd be like, yeah, you got a good point.

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] I have a harder time when I'm bartending of convincing Dan to have another drink than this guy.

[35:12] And for that, all you have to go is Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[35:15] And he goes, yeah, one more.

[35:16] Yeah, I'll take it.

[35:18] It's like a...

[35:20] I mean, we went into this incorrectly thinking that it was a movie.

[35:23] And when it's more...

[35:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[35:25] It's like...

[35:27] When it's an experience.

[35:31] You don't watch Kirk Cameron saving Christmas.

[35:34] You live it.

Dan McCoy

[35:35] I love when like Christian like...

[35:39] You know, like Christian is making like a valid...

Stuart Wellington

[35:42] Who cares or not?

[35:42] Christian...

Dan McCoy

[35:43] Yes.

[35:44] Okay.

[35:45] Christian is making a valid point about Christmas trees being a pagan tradition.

[35:52] And who cares?

[35:53] Like, that's a valid point.

[35:54] Although, who cares if they are?

[35:55] Like, it's also a beautiful thing to do.

[35:58] Like, I have a Christmas tree in my apartment right now.

[36:00] Looking at it right now.

[36:01] As we record.

[36:03] But Kirk Cameron's rationale for it is like basically twofold.

[36:07] He's like, uh, there were trees in the Garden of Eden.

[36:11] And also, trees are kind of like a cross.

[36:14] And Jesus got crucified on a cross.

[36:16] Like, this is the level of discourse that the movie exists on.

[36:20] And there's something beautiful about that.

[36:22] There's a lot of...

[36:23] Tree, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] Let me tell you all the times trees show up in the Bible.

[36:30] It's like, well, should we have lepers at the party?

[36:32] Like, I don't understand.

[36:33] Should there be plagues at the party?

Stuart Wellington

[36:35] Like, those are in the Bible, too.

[36:37] Ugly Christmas sweaters.

[36:39] Almost reflect the pain the ascetics felt when wearing a hair shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] What would be uglier than a world without divine grace?

[36:47] To look at that sweater is to be reminded what we owe to Jesus.

Dan McCoy

[36:53] Egg nog.

[36:53] For his suffering.

[36:54] Egg nog.

[36:55] Eggs symbolize the egg that were not fertilized by man, but by God.

[37:00] And the nog, of course.

[37:02] Well, of course, nog.

[37:04] It's all midichlorians.

Elliott Kalan

[37:07] It does feel like an entire movie of Qui-Gon explaining what midichlorians are.

[37:15] But I feel like, as I always do when I see movies like this, I feel like a piece of entertainment

[37:20] from an alternate reality that I'm not meant to witness slipped through by accident.

[37:25] Like, I'm not the intent.

[37:26] I know, for me, you guys totally are the intended audience.

[37:29] But I'm not the intended audience.

[37:30] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:30] I was lapping it up like a fucking, like a dog.

[37:33] You kept saying, more please.

[37:35] I was like, a dog lapping up its own sick.

[37:37] Like, I'm not going to stop.

[37:39] I'll probably just barf it up and lick it up again.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] But I like to think about was like, the number of grandkids who are going to have to watch

[37:46] this movie while they're visiting their grandparents on Christmas.

[37:50] And like, sorry, folks.

[37:52] But I mean, living...

Stuart Wellington

[37:53] They almost need to make a sequel so they can have a fucking story from Kirk Cameron explaining

[37:58] how this movie is part of the, like, how this movie is part of the Bible, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] The Lord moves in mysterious ways, much like movies.

[38:10] Jesus said, you will not always have me with you, much as this movie will end.

[38:14] And then you'll have to do something else.

Dan McCoy

[38:18] Yeah, we've been through the entire movie.

[38:20] We should wrap it up and give our final judgments.

[38:22] Wrap it up like a Christmas present?

[38:24] Exactly, like a Christmas present.

[38:26] And say whether this is...

[38:27] So I don't get one.

[38:27] Thanks, Dan.

[38:29] You get a Hanukkah present.

[38:31] So, something bad, probably.

[38:33] A holiday bundle.

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] Hanukkah's got great presents.

[38:34] Really?

[38:35] Here's a stereotype I'd like to knock down.

[38:37] Thank you.

[38:38] On an earlier episode, I talked about the stereotype of the lonely guy masturbating because he's sad.

[38:42] Not true.

[38:43] Guys masturbate for any number of reasons.

[38:45] And often you feel better afterwards.

[38:46] Often for pleasure, yeah.

[38:47] Often for the pleasurable sensation.

[38:52] In my experience, Hanukkah...

[38:54] Sometimes it's just for shock value.

[38:56] Yeah, I mean, when you're at a baseball game or at an opera, sure.

[38:59] But my Hanukkah presents, growing up, great presents.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] You know why?

[39:04] Because you're trying to compete with Christmas.

[39:06] You're welcome.

[39:07] You're welcome.

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] I mean, that is true.

[39:09] I mean, there's no reason to give gifts at Hanukkah otherwise.

[39:11] It's mainly a gambling holiday, what with the dreidel and the gelt and all.

[39:15] And the latkes.

[39:16] It's about cholesterol.

[39:16] This is a gift that we Christians have given to you.

[39:20] Thank you, Dan.

[39:21] The competition.

[39:21] Thanks.

[39:22] But it's...

[39:24] I mean, it is watching...

[39:25] It's maybe this...

[39:26] I'm a little harsher in my mind on this movie after it was so...

[39:31] As it was so forcefully explained to me on election night that I'm here by the good favor of other people in this country.

[39:38] It's this real...

[39:39] Sorry for explaining that to you.

[39:40] No, I appreciate it, Stuart.

[39:41] You needed to.

[39:42] Because I was feeling a little too like ownership of the place much.

[39:46] But while watching it, there was this moment where I was like, hmm.

[39:50] There's a lot of people who just don't see the universe the same way I do.

[39:53] What are you going to do?

[39:54] All right.

[39:55] So I give it a good grade.

[39:56] Okay.

[39:57] Final judgments.

[39:57] I actually think it's a...

[39:59] The judgments are a good, bad, bad, bad, or a movie kind of like...

Dan McCoy

[40:03] I actually call it a good, bad movie.

[40:04] It's pretty funny.

Elliott Kalan

[40:06] And it's super short.

[40:07] If you skip the bloops...

[40:09] And if you end it before the hip-hop dance, this movie is easily, what, 50 minutes long?

[40:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:14] Wait a minute.

[40:14] Are you like leaving because you already know which sports team won?

[40:17] And you're like, fuck, I'm out of here.

[40:18] Gotta beat the rush.

[40:19] Yeah, you're like, he already threw the ring of Mount Doom.

[40:21] Time to get out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] The reason that I miss the ending of every baseball game my family went to as a kid,

[40:28] because around the seventh inning, my dad will be like, well, this is over.

[40:31] Let's go.

[40:32] I mean, the score is 3-2.

[40:34] It's still anybody's game.

[40:36] I don't want to have to wait in line in the parking lot.

[40:38] Let's get out of here.

[40:39] And then we'd hear on the radio, on the car ride home, that our team won.

[40:43] They'll be like, oh, it sounded like it was an exciting game we just missed the end of.

[40:46] Thanks, Pop.

[40:47] Yeah, but we got the free towel they were giving out.

[40:49] No, okay, thanks, Dad.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Yeah, I have to agree.

[40:53] This, to me, was a good, bad movie.

[40:55] I had a blast watching this, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] Although, what I liked was seeing Dan really enjoying it for a while,

[41:01] and then there was a moment where Dan was just like, what the fuck?

[41:05] Theologically, it's terrible.

[41:07] Around the materialism thing at the end, it just like snapped you in a way that I found entertaining.

Stuart Wellington

[41:12] What do you think, Stu?

[41:13] I just don't think it's a movie.

[41:17] That's like, I don't know, like if somebody showed me an episode of a TV show,

[41:22] and I'd have to judge it as a movie, and I don't think that's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[41:25] Wait, that's, okay.

[41:28] Okay, fine.

Stuart Wellington

[41:29] I guess it's a fucking awesome movie.

[41:31] It's super great.

[41:33] There's all these characters, like four of them.

[41:35] So on the scale from Terminator 2 to Road Warrior, where would you put it?

[41:40] I guess it's closer to Terminator 2 because of the message.

[41:46] Budget, it's closer to Road Warrior, I guess.

[41:51] There's no Vernon Wells in it, but he might have been in the giant Nutcracker.

[41:57] I'm going to say Good, Bad movie.

[41:59] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Hooray, three Good Bads.

[42:01] It's a Christmas miracle.

[42:03] Oh, I was going to say that.

[42:08] From the dawn of time, one podcast has unlocked the secrets of science and technology

[42:14] to enrich the lives of billions.

[42:16] And now, after a year where they've unlocked the golden age of knowledge,

[42:21] they're about to hit warp speed and go stratospheric.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] Wait, hold up.

Dan McCoy

[42:26] On Odo, Ross, and Carrie, we don't make extraordinary claims.

[42:29] We investigate them.

[42:31] We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims,

[42:35] and we participate in pseudoscientific medical treatments

[42:38] and then report our findings to you.

Stuart Wellington

[42:40] And yes, we've even investigated...

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] Scientology.

[42:43] Shrash.

[42:44] New episodes every month at MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[42:48] Oh no, Ross and Carrie.

[42:50] They show up so you don't have to.

S4

[42:54] Comedy, friendship, and creativity.

[42:57] All of this and more wait for you at MaxFunCon.

[43:00] Join us for MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead next June,

[43:03] or MaxFunCon East in the Poconos next September.

[43:05] Tickets for both events are on sale now, but they're going fast.

[43:08] Visit MaxFunCon.com to buy your tickets right now.

Dan McCoy

[43:14] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Mack Weldon.

[43:19] Mack Weldon, a clothier who believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

[43:28] And boy, is that shopping simple, friends.

Elliott Kalan

[43:30] Oh, it don't get any simpler than Mack Weldon Shop.

Dan McCoy

[43:32] First you whip out your phone.

[43:34] Go to MackWeldon.com.

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] Say beep, boop, boop, boop.

[43:37] Into your phone microphone.

[43:39] Siri takes you right there, and you go,

[43:41] what kind of undergarments do I want to slap on my bottom bits?

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] Let me say something about Mack Weldon.

[43:46] I don't want you guys to have to think about what's covering my penis right now.

[43:49] But it's Mack Weldon underwear right now as I record this.

[43:52] And it is super comfortable.

[43:54] Wrapped around like a tourniquet?

[43:55] Nope.

[43:56] That would imply there's something wrong with my penis, and it clearly works.

[43:58] I have a son.

[43:59] He's mine, right?

[44:00] Oh, God.

[44:01] But the test said, don't think about it now.

[44:04] Don't think about it now.

[44:04] You're on the air.

[44:05] He's so blonde, Elliot.

[44:07] It's true.

[44:08] He is very blonde.

[44:09] He does okay.

[44:10] He loves early blonde locks.

[44:12] Doesn't look like me.

[44:13] He's good at sports.

[44:14] Not true.

[44:15] He's actually a little uncoordinated.

[44:17] And he's interested mainly in monsters and Muppets right now.

[44:21] So, if anything, very close to me.

[44:24] I think, yeah, and it's the most comfortable underwear.

[44:27] It's super comfortable, and you don't feel swampy at the end of the day.

[44:31] No.

Dan McCoy

[44:32] That swampy feeling?

[44:34] No.

[44:34] Say goodbye to it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:35] And it looks great.

[44:36] Goodbye, swampy feeling, you say.

[44:37] Hey, you say, hey, swamp thing, get out of here, Alec Holland.

[44:41] Get the fuck out of here.

[44:42] Hey, you'll go be part of the green, buddy.

[44:44] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[44:46] Here's the thing.

[44:47] Mack Weldon wants you to be comfortable.

[44:48] So, if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep it, and they'll refund you.

[44:53] No questions asked.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] Which is a funny offer, though.

[44:55] That being said, it's like, don't like that underwear?

[44:58] Keep it.

[44:59] You got an effigy to make and want to put clothing and underpants for some reason?

[45:03] You can use these.

[45:04] Disposing of that underwear you don't like is your problem now.

[45:06] But you're going to like it, because it's really...

[45:08] I guess, tell them you don't like it so you can keep it, because it's really good.

[45:11] You're going to wear it all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[45:12] Are you like Elliot and are offended there's a statue of Captain America?

[45:15] Well, why don't you put some underpants on him and laugh at him?

Elliott Kalan

[45:17] I mean, I'm not offended.

[45:19] I think it's weird to have a statue for a very militarized statue of a fictional character when...

[45:26] Take it somewhere else, Bill Maher.

[45:28] Let me just say, let's just pick a name out of my hat.

[45:31] That Elizabeth Roebling, who basically built the Brooklyn Bridge.

[45:35] There's no statue of her in Brooklyn, and there should be.

[45:38] I've been wanting to put a petition about that, but I don't know how to do it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:41] Yeah, holding a giant shield and punching Hitler in the face.

[45:44] Oh, wow.

[45:45] That's a really complicated statue.

[45:46] Go on, Dan.

[45:47] It's more of a tableau.

Dan McCoy

[45:48] Mack Weldon's underwear, socks, shirts, all their stuff looks good, but also performs well

[45:55] in all sorts of environments.

[45:57] Working out, going to work, going on dates, just doing whatever, man.

Elliott Kalan

[46:02] All the Star Wars environments.

[46:03] Desert planet, cold planet, forest planet, foundry planet.

[46:06] Cantina planet.

[46:07] Well, cantina's on the desert planet.

Stuart Wellington

[46:08] Yeah, if you're going to have to deny death sticks from Elan Sleazebagano.

Dan McCoy

[46:16] Well, if you want to try it out for yourself, go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off using

[46:22] promo code FLOP.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] Flop.

[46:25] It's easy to remember because it's what the thing inside the Mack Weldon underpants will

[46:29] be doing in lesser underpants.

[46:31] Oh, boy.

[46:31] Just flopping around.

[46:32] Jeez.

[46:33] I highly recommend them.

Dan McCoy

[46:35] The podcast tonight is also sponsored by ZipRecruiter.

[46:39] Are you hiring?

[46:41] Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

[46:45] Well, look, posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates.

[46:50] That's foolish.

[46:51] Why would you think that you're going to get the best candidates just by putting it in

[46:54] one place where people aren't going to see that?

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] What if the place is bestcandidates.com?

Dan McCoy

[46:59] That place is playing you for a fool, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[47:02] Okay, now what if the place is on the bottom of a homeless man's shoe?

Dan McCoy

[47:08] Then you really are, depending on the luck of the universe, to provide you with the finest

[47:14] candidates.

[47:14] What if I believe that serendipity is when fate has a sense of humor?

[47:17] Then you're writing fucking movie posters?

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] I mean, plagiarizing them, yes.

Dan McCoy

[47:23] That movie made me angry, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[47:25] How so?

[47:26] Explain.

[47:26] When I get back to ZipRecruiter.

[47:27] Explain how a movie based on a dessert restaurant got you angry.

Dan McCoy

[47:33] John Cusack and who is it?

[47:34] Cate Beckinsale?

[47:35] The Sale-iest.

[47:36] Yeah, the Beckinsale-iest.

[47:37] They have a great date together.

[47:40] They think that they're in love.

[47:42] And Cate Beckinsale, I believe, writes her name in a book, a copy of a book.

[47:47] It says, if it's meant to be, you'll find this again.

Stuart Wellington

[47:50] That is bullshit.

Dan McCoy

[47:52] That book?

[47:53] Congo, by Michael Crayton.

Elliott Kalan

[47:55] So he's like, but I don't want that book to come back to me.

Dan McCoy

[48:00] What?

[48:00] It's got a talking gorilla named Amy.

[48:03] Yeah.

[48:03] That's pretty good.

[48:03] I mean, the most...

[48:04] Bad gorilla.

Stuart Wellington

[48:05] The most...

[48:06] Bad gorilla.

[48:07] Amy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] Amy.

[48:08] Nose hair man.

[48:10] Barely a talking gorilla.

[48:11] She has some kind of vocoder strapped to her sign language arm.

[48:16] If that's talking, well, then I don't want to talk.

[48:19] If that's the future, send me back to bedrock.

[48:23] Sorry.

[48:24] Bad rock.

[48:26] So, Dan, continue.

[48:26] Tell us about ZipRecruiter.

Stuart Wellington

[48:28] So where should we recruit from?

[48:29] So, Dan is hiring, what?

[48:32] Somebody to be your footman or a maid?

[48:35] A valet?

[48:35] Yeah, Batman?

[48:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:38] Batman.

[48:39] I want a personal Batman.

[48:41] My own personal Batman.

[48:42] Like the song.

Elliott Kalan

[48:44] Your own personal Batman.

[48:48] That's going to go so long.

Dan McCoy

[48:49] So, anyway, ZipRecruiter.

[48:51] If you want to find the perfect hire, you need to post your job on all of the top sites.

[48:56] And now you can, because with ZipRecruiter.com, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites,

[49:01] including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter, all with a single click.

[49:07] What?

[49:08] That's right.

[49:09] Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by over 1 million businesses.

[49:13] Right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[49:22] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[49:24] One more time.

[49:26] To try it for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[49:31] And recruit.

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] Dan, I believe we have a Jumbotron message.

[49:36] We do have a Jumbotron message this week.

[49:39] We also have a Jumbotron message.

[49:41] If you'd like to get a message on Jumbotron, go to maxfun.biz.

Dan McCoy

[49:47] .org forward slash Jumbotron.

[49:49] Maxfun.org forward slash Jumbotron.

Elliott Kalan

[49:52] And this message is for Mark, and it's from Nettie.

[49:57] And the message is, I am missing you so much.

[49:59] I have resorted to wasting my time with the Flophouse, parentheses, purported, gentlemen.

[50:04] These guys are my only support system right now.

[50:07] Can you see how desperate I've become?

[50:08] Oh, well, thanks for the diversion, Flop Buddies.

[50:11] Mark, go give Nettie some company or something.

[50:14] Yeah.

[50:15] Yeah.

[50:15] Nettie shouldn't have to settle for us.

Dan McCoy

[50:18] Nettie doesn't, yeah, she shouldn't have to be using us as go-betweens.

Stuart Wellington

[50:22] Is this like a frequency situation where Mark is in the past and she's in the future?

[50:28] Or like the lake house?

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] Yeah, or frequency.

[50:31] Yeah, I mean, Stuart's version worked, yeah.

[50:33] Don't know why I need to try to top him with a different one.

[50:35] You put this podcast in the mailbox and it goes back in time.

[50:39] Here's what you do.

[50:40] You put this podcast in Doc Brown's pocket.

[50:42] Then he delivers it 30 years from now, thanking you for saving him from the Libyans or whatever.

[50:48] But then he drops the podcast on the ground and Biff picks it up.

[50:52] Oh, no.

[50:52] Whoa, whoa.

[50:53] Now he knows what movie we're going to talk about in the future and he can bet on it.

[50:57] Hey, Dan, can I plug something while we're at it?

[50:58] Sure.

[50:59] I'd like to plug my other podcast, or rather series it's called.

[51:03] It's called Presidents Are People Too.

[51:05] And in it, me and my co-host Alexis Coe talk about all the presidents.

[51:10] It's available through iTunes now or you can go to Audible and Audible Originals.

[51:15] If you're an Amazon Prime member, you can get that way too.

[51:17] And listen to even more episodes.

[51:19] If you're an Audible member, you get all the episodes.

[51:21] iTunes takes a little bit longer.

[51:23] There's a little bit of a delay before the iTunes listeners get it.

[51:26] But new episodes are posted all the time.

[51:28] We've got a bunch of good episodes.

[51:29] Maybe start out with our Teddy Roosevelt.

[51:32] Or perhaps you could try our Richard Nixon or John F. Kennedy.

[51:36] Or, hey, you know what?

[51:38] Go with, like, John Quincy Adams.

[51:40] Maybe somebody you don't know so much about.

[51:42] Those are only after American presidents.

[51:42] That's because every president gets their own individual episode.

[51:45] And we're going to do all 45 of them.

Dan McCoy

[51:48] There are a couple of other short announcements that we should make.

[51:53] Number one.

[51:54] Martin Short is here.

Elliott Kalan

[51:57] That's a short announcement.

[51:58] I just wanted to say that.

[52:01] I'm glad he didn't do a Martin Short impression.

[52:02] The Flophouse.

[52:03] Oh, announcement number two.

[52:04] Martin Short has been shot.

[52:05] I'm so sorry.

Dan McCoy

[52:07] The Flophouse Facebook group.

[52:09] Their charity drive.

[52:11] Not drive.

[52:12] There's no such thing as a charity drive.

Elliott Kalan

[52:14] Hey, make it new.

[52:15] It's your thing now, boo.

Dan McCoy

[52:18] I'm straight tripping, boo.

[52:21] Your tongue is.

[52:22] Oh.

[52:23] Oh.

[52:25] The Flophouse Facebook.

Stuart Wellington

[52:26] You're on fire tonight, dude.

Dan McCoy

[52:28] Mm-hmm.

[52:28] The Flophouse Facebook has organized a charity drive for Planned Parenthood.

[52:32] We mentioned it before.

[52:34] Planned Parenthood.

[52:35] If you want to donate.

[52:36] That's for the plant nurseries.

[52:38] You can go.

[52:39] We've got a link up on the site.

[52:43] But we also want to mention that we will be doing another live show.

[52:50] Our live show.

[52:51] Energy.

[52:51] Energy, Dan.

[52:52] Enthusiasm.

Stuart Wellington

[52:53] Yeah, so we're doing a show at the Alamo Draft House, the new Alamo Draft House in Brooklyn,

[52:58] New York that just opened.

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] It's a beautiful theater.

[53:00] It's great.

[53:01] The movie I'm recommending tonight, I saw there.

Stuart Wellington

[53:03] We're going to be doing a riff show where we're going to be making jokes over the movie.

[53:10] Classic bad movie.

[53:12] What, The Boy Next Door?

[53:14] The Boy Next Door.

Elliott Kalan

[53:14] The Boy Next Door starring J-Lo and.

[53:17] Some fella.

Dan McCoy

[53:18] Some abs delivery system.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] If you haven't seen this movie, it is hilarious and it goes crazy.

[53:25] Unfortunately, three yahoos are going to be talking over it the whole time.

[53:29] Their names, Dan, Stewart, and Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[53:31] Tickets are going to go on sale.

[53:33] On Monday.

[53:34] Yeah, the Monday after this episode comes out.

Dan McCoy

[53:37] And come join us.

[53:38] It's a pretty small.

[53:38] Monday the 12th of December.

[53:40] I think we're going to be in the big room, but it's going to be fun.

[53:42] I mean, it's not as big as a stadium.

[53:45] The show is on January the 14th.

[53:47] That's a Saturday.

[53:48] That's a Saturday.

[53:48] So if you did not get tickets to our Bell House show on the 21st, which is sold out, never fear.

[53:55] There's another show at the Alamo, a different type of show, a movie riffing show on January the 14th at the Alamo Draft House Brooklyn.

Elliott Kalan

[54:04] And guys, my riffing chops are pretty tight now after my Mystery Science Theater work.

Stuart Wellington

[54:11] Oh, because he worked for a show?

Elliott Kalan

[54:14] A television show.

[54:15] Yeah, that's true.

[54:16] The show that invented movie riffing.

[54:18] And I'm saying that as if I had anything to do with that, even though I was a child when it started.

Stuart Wellington

[54:23] I'm also going to plug something real quick.

[54:26] This toaster into the wall.

Elliott Kalan

[54:29] I'm really dadding it up tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[54:33] There's another curveball at me.

[54:35] I swung at it.

[54:38] So the MaxFun New York group is throwing a holiday party, their candle nights party, at my bar Hinterlands.

[54:47] In Brooklyn.

[54:48] In Brooklyn on December 17th.

[54:52] It's a Saturday night.

[54:53] So if you want to come down, I know I'm going to be there.

[54:56] I know before the party, I think the party starts at 8, there's going to be a holiday cookie exchange beforehand.

[55:02] Weird.

[55:03] And I think there's going to be a Yankee swap.

[55:06] And my wife and I are organizing a silent auction with all the proceeds going to charity.

[55:12] Oh, very nice.

[55:12] So it should be fun.

[55:13] Come on down to Hinterlands December 17th.

Elliott Kalan

[55:16] If you haven't been to Hinterlands, you don't even have to wait for December 17th.

[55:19] Just go on down.

[55:20] It's a great bar.

Dan McCoy

[55:21] Speaking of candle nights, which is a My Brother, My Brother and Me thing.

[55:25] No, it's called Hanukkah.

[55:27] I just want to say, Jordan Jesse Goh.

[55:32] Jesse said some very nice things about us in the last Jordan Jesse Goh about how our show has helped him through some tough times as he has been unhappy about the post-election world.

[55:49] And I just wanted to say, in reciprocation, the same goes for his show and also My Brother, My Brother and Me.

[55:55] So Jordan Jesse Goh and My Brother, My Brother and Me, great shows that have helped me cheer up.

[55:59] And just two of the shows on the Maximum Fun Network, which happens to be our network.

[56:03] Which has a lot of great shows on it.

[56:05] A lot of great shows.

Stuart Wellington

[56:06] Including The Adventure Zone that I was recently a guest on.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] That's true.

[56:10] And Judge John Hodgman, which I was a guest on a while back.

[56:13] Synergy.

[56:17] It's turned into like a Tim and Eric bit.

Dan McCoy

[56:20] All sorts of digital effects were going on with Dan's face that you couldn't see just then.

[56:25] But now that we're done with all that stuff, we should move along.

[56:29] That was a lot of plugs.

[56:30] A lot of plugs.

Stuart Wellington

[56:30] But I thought they were good plugs.

[56:31] We plugged good stuff.

[56:32] Yeah, we're like a couple of circuitry mans.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] Circuitry's men.

Stuart Wellington

[56:39] Vernon Wells is getting a lot of airtime on this podcast.

[56:42] He should be paying us.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] Stuart, did you know, I don't know if you still can, there was a period when he was part of a stable of actors where you could pay him to talk on the phone with him for a half hour.

[56:51] That's fucking awesome.

[56:52] Or you could buy a call from Vernon Wells to somebody.

[56:56] I would totally do that.

[56:57] I'll look up the information.

[56:58] I'm going to see.

[56:59] For a few years now, I've been considering doing that for your birthday.

Stuart Wellington

[57:02] My God, that would be incredible.

[57:04] And been like, is this something Stuart would really like?

Elliott Kalan

[57:06] Or I don't know.

[57:07] Oh, man, that would be awesome.

[57:09] Because I remember the rates being very reasonable.

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] Now that you mentioned it, it's going to blow up and his rates are going to jump.

Elliott Kalan

[57:17] Vernon Wells' time, less valuable than you'd think.

Dan McCoy

[57:21] That's not true.

[57:22] Continue, Dan.

[57:22] We should move along to our next segment.

[57:24] Moving right along.

Elliott Kalan

[57:25] Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.

[57:26] Which is.

[57:26] To the next segment now.

Dan McCoy

[57:28] The next segment.

[57:28] It's the letters segment.

[57:30] Letters segment.

[57:30] With letters from you.

[57:32] All right.

[57:33] Thank you.

[57:35] So, before we get into the letters proper, we should.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] No, we've done.

[57:40] All right.

[57:40] I'll sing a fuller song.

[57:41] Letters.

[57:42] We got the letters for us.

[57:44] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[57:45] We have these gifts.

[57:46] These nice holiday gifts.

[57:50] Oh.

[57:50] From Jason, last name withheld, which I feel like we should open now.

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] So, opening things on air, as always, is going to go great.

[57:58] You can hear the paper.

[58:00] Oh, Foley.

[58:00] Foley.

[58:01] Look at these presents.

[58:02] If held up against that tree, it would look like a modern Judea.

[58:06] It would look like some kind of futuristic city.

[58:08] Oh, man.

[58:08] This is great.

[58:10] I love it.

Dan McCoy

[58:13] Whoa.

[58:14] Oh.

[58:16] So, what I have here is I've got a Blu-ray special edition, Criterion Collection edition

[58:21] of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

[58:24] Written by Roger Ebert.

[58:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] I have got...

[58:28] Oh, what were you saying?

[58:29] No, a fine film.

[58:30] I'm very excited.

[58:31] I have a Blu-ray of The Sun Shines Bright, which is a John Ford movie I have not seen,

[58:37] which it mentions on the back is a remake of Judge Priest, which I have seen, but I'm not

[58:41] familiar with this one at all, so I'm curious to see it.

[58:44] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[58:44] Judge Priest in Mega City 1 or Mega City 3.

[58:47] No.

[58:49] And I have a Blu-ray copy of John Carpenter's Elvis.

[58:54] Oh.

[58:54] A John Carpenter movie I've never seen.

[58:56] Holy crap.

[58:56] That's amazing.

[58:57] Yeah.

[58:58] Where Kurt Russell plays Elvis.

[58:59] This is awesome.

[58:59] The movie he met Kurt Russell on, right?

[59:01] As I said, I don't know, so we're going to find out.

Dan McCoy

[59:05] These are really great picks, I think.

[59:08] Thank you, Jason.

[59:08] These are fantastic.

[59:09] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] Thank you, Jason.

[59:10] You know us.

[59:11] It would be funny if John Carpenter decided to do the score for the Elvis movie, too.

[59:15] And so Elvis is just performing songs from the Big Trouble in Little China soundtrack.

[59:22] Hey, who's that guy over there?

[59:23] Okay, play us a song.

[59:25] Big Trouble in Little China.

Dan McCoy

[59:30] But moving into the...

[59:34] Thank you, Jason, everyone.

[59:35] Yeah.

[59:36] Thank you very much.

[59:37] Moving into the letters.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] Now it's time for the real letters gifts on the side.

[59:43] Thanks for those gifts.

[59:45] And now here we're giving a gift to you in the form of reading letters.

[59:50] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[59:51] I just don't have it tonight.

[59:52] That's right.

[59:53] I mean, no.

[59:53] We've had a number of songs.

[59:56] They've just been very short.

Stuart Wellington

[59:56] Yeah, it's short and sweet, like an anal cunt song.

[1:00:00] Is that a band?

[1:00:02] Yeah, duh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:04] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:04] I forgot they're the number one band in the country.

[1:00:06] Doi.

[1:00:08] Doi.

[1:00:09] Don't you watch TRL?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:12] So this is...

[1:00:13] Just imagining that band being on TRL.

[1:00:17] This is from name withheld because I didn't even put the first name on here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:23] Professional.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:24] Super profesh.

[1:00:26] Somebody's been on ZipRecruiter.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:29] Hey, flop tarts.

[1:00:31] I was recently thinking about the zombie film 28 Days Later, which I perceived to have a radical shift in tone halfway through.

[1:00:38] I mean a radical shift in tone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:40] When he's throwing all those zombies, start skateboarding.

[1:00:42] That's when Sandra Bullock turns into a zombie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:46] Waka, waka, waka.

[1:00:47] Hi-oh.

[1:00:48] 28 Days Joke.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:49] A radical shift halfway through.

[1:00:52] Waka, waka.

[1:00:53] At first it seemed like a moody and thoughtful post-apocalyptic story with grounded characters before turning into a pulpy, over-the-top gore fest when the military shows up.

[1:01:03] I kind of feel the tonal shift was supposed to complement the narrative twist, but it just spoiled the movie for me.

[1:01:09] Like if there was a fart joke in Citizen Kane, but the fart joke is the entire second half.

[1:01:13] I will mention that there is a fart joke in The Great Gatsby.

[1:01:16] Can you think of any movies with wildly inconsistent tones or huge shifts in tone that actually benefit from the inconsistency?

[1:01:24] You're all the best, especially Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] Oh, thank you.

[1:01:28] Well, Stuart mentioned...

[1:01:29] Elliot misspells your name, so...

[1:01:30] You're dead to me.

[1:01:32] Stuart mentioned Audition earlier in the episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:34] Yeah, Audition is the gold standard for a tone shift movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:36] For like extreme tone shifts that pay off really well.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:39] I'm a big fan of Something Wild that starts off like a screwball sex comedy and then turns into a tense thriller when Ray Liotta comes in as a crazy ex-boyfriend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:52] Not quite as radically.

[1:01:53] Like The Apartment is similar in that it seems to start out as kind of like a goofy sex farce but becomes a story about like attempted suicide and real heartbreak and like what it means to be a human being.

[1:02:07] That one's less abrupt in terms of the overt tone but in terms of subject matter, it's a real shift.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:12] Then there are really overt movies with a shift like From Dusk Till Dawn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] I was going to just say that.

[1:02:17] Well, but that's like a...

[1:02:19] That's not so much a tone shift.

[1:02:20] It's just like the plot.

[1:02:21] It's like two movies got smashed together.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:24] I love the shift in From Dusk Till Dawn but I remember watching that movie in the theater and when the vampire showed up, my friend leaned over to me and goes,

[1:02:33] I think this film just took a turn for the stupider.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:37] Except all the commercials for the movie made it clear that it was a vampire movie.

[1:02:42] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:02:43] Yeah, but it also got like...

[1:02:44] It also gets way wackier.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:46] That's true.

[1:02:47] It does get sillier.

[1:02:48] Which is certainly...

[1:02:48] I mean, Tom Savini has a penis gun in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:51] Yeah, but that's before the vampires get there.

[1:02:54] Okay, I guess you're right.

[1:02:55] But like...

[1:02:56] Or Gremlins 2 is kind of similar in that it starts out as kind of like a silly horror movie.

[1:03:00] Not horror movie.

[1:03:01] It starts as a silly monster movie and then becomes literally a live action cartoon.

[1:03:06] Yeah.

[1:03:06] You know, like it pushes the silliness so far.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:09] I remember when I was a kid, like that was like a bridge too far.

[1:03:14] I love Gremlins 2 now, but when I was a kid I was like, I wanted a scary movie.

[1:03:20] Oh, really?

[1:03:20] And then like it got so silly at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:22] I loved it so much.

[1:03:23] That was like heaven for me.

[1:03:25] Dude, I went apeshit for Gremlins 2.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] Yeah.

[1:03:28] I had like all the collectible cards and I kept them in a fucking sleeved binder in order.

[1:03:34] Who was your favorite Gremlin in Gremlins 2, Dan?

[1:03:37] I liked the spider Gremlin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:40] Really?

[1:03:40] Not the crazy Gremlin who pretends to be a dentist?

[1:03:43] He's awesome.

[1:03:43] He's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:44] Ha ha ha!

[1:03:45] And by the way, that's exactly Elliot's favorite Gremlin.

[1:03:48] Oh yeah, always.

[1:03:50] Either that or the electric Gremlin that kills all the other Gremlins.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:53] Just like how my favorite weasel in Roger Rabbit is the crazy one in the straight jacket.

[1:03:58] Who just carries a straight razor in his hand?

[1:04:01] Yes, he's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:02] I'm kind of shocked that Dan's favorite Gremlin isn't the most obvious one, the Lady Gremlin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] Yeah, actually you're right.

[1:04:08] Because I'm sure there were plenty of lonely nights as it was.

[1:04:10] Dan was solaced by thoughts of being Robert Picardo at the end.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:14] That Lady Gremlin.

[1:04:16] When I was a kid, I was like, that's the stupidest thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:20] Girls are gross.

[1:04:21] Yeah.

[1:04:22] They got a Gremlin with cooties.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:25] Wow.

[1:04:26] It's a little Dice Man showdown.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:30] Dice Man watching Rose 2.

[1:04:33] Hickory dickory duck.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:35] The tone shift of this movie is oh!

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:39] I'm trying to think.

[1:04:40] There are other movies that are slipping my mind right now where there's an abrupt shift

[1:04:45] that works out real well.

[1:04:47] Either from comedy to drama or...

[1:04:49] It's rarer to go from drama to comedy.

[1:04:52] Yeah.

[1:04:52] But for a movie that starts out silly and becomes very serious, I feel like that happens and

[1:04:58] pays off quite a bit.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:00] I tend to like a tone shift movie.

[1:05:02] I don't know.

[1:05:02] I find that any movie that's brave enough to do that usually is pretty confident.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:07] And also to be often, the older I get, the faster I get bored with movies in a way.

[1:05:13] And so if a movie shows me something different at a certain point, I'm like, okay, great.

[1:05:17] It's like I'm watching another movie already.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:19] Yeah, you become desensitized to the thing that you love.

[1:05:23] I mean, I don't know how to exactly put it that way, but maybe.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:25] You have to find new and crazier delights to stimulate yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:30] Eventually you'll travel to the Far East and find this magical puzzle box.

[1:05:34] No, don't finish it.

[1:05:35] Don't complete it.

[1:05:37] What's it called?

[1:05:37] The what's it called sequence?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:38] I wasn't going to finish the joke for fear that Pinhead and his buddies would show up.

[1:05:42] No!

[1:05:43] But that's kind of what happens with bad movies, with people who watch a lot of bad movies,

[1:05:48] is that they have to watch crazier and kind of grosser bad movies to get that same thrill

[1:05:53] of like, huh, what?

[1:05:55] And that's when I found myself reading like zines or websites about crazy movies,

[1:06:00] where at a certain point it's like, hmm, you know what?

[1:06:04] I've learned more about this Italian hardcore zombie horror film from the 70s than I want to.

[1:06:10] I'm not going to watch this.

[1:06:11] I think I'll just learn about something else now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] Yeah, when you become like a searcher of extremity, you begin to, I think everybody reaches a point

[1:06:21] where you realize that extremity for extremity's sake is not really worth it

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:26] and that you want more nuance.

[1:06:29] Yeah.

[1:06:29] You want subtlety to your brutality.

[1:06:31] If there's not a metal band the day after this is released called Searcher of Extremity,

[1:06:35] I'd be very disappointed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:37] Yeah, they're going to be opening for Vagenda of Manoside.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:43] This next letter is from Peter, last name withheld.

[1:06:48] Pumpkin Eater.

[1:06:49] He says, I just had an Elliot sighting in Part Slope tonight.

[1:06:55] It was super exciting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:55] Stay away from my family.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:59] My friends and I were in a chocolate.

[1:07:01] It's a real man bites dog moment.

[1:07:03] My friends and I were in a chocolate bar hanging out, talking shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:09] Wait.

[1:07:10] Oh, is that chocolate?

[1:07:11] They were in like a giant chocolate bar?

[1:07:14] That's right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:16] They're inside of Snickers.

[1:07:17] It's like the poster for Sack Lunch from Seinfeld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:21] How'd they get in that bag?

[1:07:23] I mean, is it a really big bag?

[1:07:25] I love that that's...

[1:07:27] She like can't deal with...

[1:07:30] She can't even conceive of the idea that it's a metaphor of the poster.

[1:07:35] It must be a literal representation of what happens in the movie Sack Lunch.

[1:07:40] They have the best fake movies on that.

[1:07:42] Sack Lunch and Chonnel and Death Blow.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:47] So, to continue.

[1:07:49] My friends and I were in a chocolate bar hanging out, talking shit after an outstanding meal at Bear Burger.

[1:07:55] Went in, walked Elliot...

[1:07:55] Oh, so they were at Coco Bar.

[1:07:56] Okay.

[1:07:57] In, walked Elliot with his friends just hanging out, talking shit.

[1:08:00] I pulled out my phone and showed my friends, hey, one of those dudes is on this podcast.

[1:08:05] I ultimately left without saying anything to Elliot.

[1:08:09] Much like the time I saw John Mulaney carrying laundry detergent outside Bigelow's on 6th Avenue.

[1:08:13] Because really, what is there to say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] I mean, that's a much better celebrity sighting than me, but...

Dan McCoy

[1:08:19] Have you guys ever...

[1:08:20] Broadway star John Mulaney?

[1:08:21] Yeah.

[1:08:22] Have you guys ever not said something to a famous person?

[1:08:25] Also, who else should I put on my star map in Park Slope?

[1:08:29] I've obviously seen Maggie Gyllenhaal at Gorilla Coffee and Peter Sarsgaard at Bark Hot Dogs.

[1:08:33] Mm-hmm.

[1:08:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:34] Well, not Bark has since closed, but...

[1:08:36] I mean, you could have seen it when Bark was opened.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:39] I know, I'm just saying, don't go to Bark Hot Dogs expecting to see...

[1:08:41] Yeah, it's not going to be there.

[1:08:42] ...Peter Sarsgaard, because he's not going to be there anymore, because it doesn't exist anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:44] He's going to have to fucking go to Hogwarts and get a time turner.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:48] I know that Vince from Entourage is a co-op member.

[1:08:51] Oh, I didn't know that.

[1:08:51] Might I see John Hodgman at Key Food one day?

[1:08:54] No, he'll see him at Union Market.

[1:08:56] Sincerely yours and floppitude, Peter, last name.

[1:08:58] You know, just look for the killer cabs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:03] I mean, there's a lot of...

[1:09:04] I mean, I see...

Dan McCoy

[1:09:05] So who have you seen and not talked to?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] Well, Steve Buscemi...

[1:09:07] And who also do you see in Park Slope?

[1:09:08] In Park Slope, Steve Buscemi.

[1:09:09] I walked by him on the street, and he seemed...

[1:09:12] It was very clear he was not interested...

[1:09:14] He just had stuff to do, and he was not interested in talking to anyone who recognized him.

[1:09:18] So I was just like, okay, I don't recognize you.

[1:09:20] John Turturro I've seen a number of times talking to himself, walking into traffic, just whistling loudly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:27] I was walking through Park Slope, and it was a Saturday afternoon, and I was with some people, and we walked past Sir Patrick Stewart.

[1:09:36] Oh, yeah, because he lives in the neighborhood.

[1:09:38] No.

[1:09:38] And he was wearing like a newsboy cap.

[1:09:40] His wife, Martha Stewart.

[1:09:41] And he, uh...

[1:09:42] I looked at him, did a double take.

[1:09:45] I probably did like an...

[1:09:47] A-woo-ga.

[1:09:48] And, uh...

[1:09:48] Your eyes turned into Enterprises and then back again.

[1:09:51] So I did a double take and made eye contact with him, and he kind of lowered his head and like touched his cap.

[1:09:57] Uh, and I didn't say anything.

[1:09:59] Oh, that's nice, though.

[1:10:00] I'm sure he saw me and was like, that's the exact kind of motherfucker that's gonna blow up my spot.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:06] Yeah, yeah, make it so anyway.

[1:10:08] Y'all gotta get going.

[1:10:09] I was at that bar, the Bull Moose or something like that.

[1:10:12] Do you know what I'm talking about?

[1:10:13] In Times Square.

[1:10:14] In Times Square.

[1:10:14] In Times Square, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:15] The bar we used to go to after...

Dan McCoy

[1:10:17] After comedy shows, yeah.

[1:10:20] And I saw Peter Dinklage there with a woman who had a very significant whale tail on her thong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:25] So what were you more excited about?

[1:10:28] What caught your eye first?

[1:10:30] Was it seeing the star of a show that is famous and is also, you know, easy to pick out in a crowd, let's just say?

[1:10:38] Or was it seeing her...

[1:10:39] Was it seeing Peter Dinklage?

[1:10:41] Was it seeing her visible underpants?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:44] You know, 601.

[1:10:48] So I saw Peter Dinklage, that one.

[1:10:50] And I also was walking down the street once, and I saw Bob Costas, and he gave me a look like,

[1:10:55] yeah, I'm Bob Costas, won't make a big deal out of it.

[1:10:57] And I was like, who the fuck cares?

[1:11:00] Like, boy, you were barking up the wrong tree, Bob Costas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:02] You're like, I don't care about sports.

[1:11:04] Stop dyeing your hair, old man.

[1:11:06] Exactly.

[1:11:07] Oh, you fucking showed him.

[1:11:09] But there have been a lot of times where there are celebrities I wish I had said something to,

[1:11:13] like, get the fuck out of my way.

[1:11:15] No, that I wish I had introduced myself to, but I was too nervous to.

[1:11:18] At the Writers Guild Awards last year, Frank Conniff was there, and I was just too nervous to introduce myself to him,

[1:11:23] because I didn't know how to approach him.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:25] Yeah, if we're talking about Celebrity Regrets, when we were at the Emmys the last time for John, winning for John's show,

[1:11:36] it wasn't that time.

[1:11:38] I think it was the time before that, actually.

[1:11:40] Tatiana Maslany was there, and I would have dearly loved to have gone up to her.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:44] There was a time when, here we had won, and I was walking into the Governor's Ball, and Bob Odenkirk was, like, right in front of me.

[1:11:52] And I was like, and I wanted to introduce myself to him so badly, because I'm such, I've been a fan of his, you know, for 20 years.

[1:11:58] More than that.

[1:11:59] But it's, I was like, I can't do it.

[1:12:02] And it was like, if ever there was, like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:04] You had, like, a bit from the Ben Stiller show queued up in your head.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:07] It's like, do one of your 60-second conspiracy theories, but, like, do the electric car one.

[1:12:11] But, like, I had an Emmy in my hand, and I felt like I did not have the confidence to, like, introduce myself to him.

[1:12:19] Yeah.

[1:12:19] Even as a fan.

[1:12:20] Like, ugh, terrible.

[1:12:22] Regrets.

[1:12:23] But in Park Slope.

[1:12:23] I have a few.

[1:12:24] Yeah.

[1:12:24] But then again, too few to mention.

[1:12:27] But Park Slope's full of celebrities.

[1:12:29] Come on down.

[1:12:30] It's lousy with them, yeah.

[1:12:30] And PeopleSite.

[1:12:31] You shake the buildings, and they all come tumbling out.

[1:12:34] Tumbling out, yep.

[1:12:36] Especially if they're Stevie Sammy or John DeTuro.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:39] So, this next one is from Nick, last name withheld.

[1:12:44] Lichet.

[1:12:47] He says,

[1:12:48] After finally delving through every episode in the Flophouse archives, I set out to find another bad movie podcast to listen to in between episodes.

[1:12:57] In an act of what can only be described as brand loyalty, I decided to forego the obvious, how did this get made,

[1:13:04] and instead settled on the worst idea of all time podcast?

[1:13:08] If you aren't familiar, it's the podcast where two New Zealand comedians get together and watch the same bad movie once a week for a year,

[1:13:15] and document their descent into madness.

[1:13:17] Assuming this in some way doesn't violate...

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:19] That sounds fucking brutal, man.

[1:13:21] Podcasting once a week?

[1:13:23] Yeah.

[1:13:24] Oh!

Dan McCoy

[1:13:25] Assuming this...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:26] I hope that sound picked up on the microphones.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:35] Assuming this in some way doesn't violate the Eighth Amendment, which they apparently don't have in New Zealand,

[1:13:41] what previously flopped movie would you three watch every week for a year?

[1:13:47] Nick, last name withheld.

[1:13:48] P.S.

[1:13:49] I gently caress the doorknob in a firm yet sensual manner.

[1:13:53] Did I win Radio Zork?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:56] Uh, can't do a Trojan horse.

[1:13:58] Radio Zork maneuver, that doesn't work.

[1:14:01] Mm-mm, nope.

[1:14:02] Shut it down, Dan.

[1:14:04] Shut it all completely down.

[1:14:06] Uh, I mean, I think the answer's pretty clear, guys.

[1:14:11] It's Bratz the movie.

[1:14:13] I mean, that'd be...

[1:14:14] You're right, it is Bratz the movie.

[1:14:15] I think that's also the movie we've watched the most times.

[1:14:19] Other than Tango and Cash.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:20] Yeah, I mean...

[1:14:21] Oh, Tango and Cash, that's a good...

[1:14:23] I don't think we can say that, though.

[1:14:24] I feel like...

[1:14:24] That's unfair.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:25] But we watched that knowing that we love it.

[1:14:27] Yeah, that would be unfair.

[1:14:27] We watched that for fun, though.

[1:14:28] I feel like that would be like a tax loophole in this thing.

[1:14:31] To be like, hey, technically it's legal.

[1:14:34] Yeah, but you're not supposed to do it that way.

[1:14:36] Whatever.

[1:14:37] But I would say maybe No Deposit.

[1:14:42] Oh, right.

[1:14:42] I could watch that once a week.

[1:14:44] That was fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:44] I Know Who Killed Me was pretty fun.

[1:14:46] Yeah, I Know Who Killed Me was pretty fun, too.

[1:14:49] And that brings back good memories of the first time Elliot was on the show, I think.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:53] Yeah, it's a special movie in my heart for that reason.

[1:14:55] What movie has the most butts?

[1:14:56] Fifty Shades of Grey?

[1:14:58] Yeah, probably.

[1:14:59] It has like a butt in it.

[1:15:02] And we haven't watched that.

[1:15:03] Yeah, but a lot of times.

[1:15:03] The same butt multiple times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:05] That doesn't count as extra butts.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:08] You count butts your way and I'll count mine.

[1:15:11] This butt census is never going to get off the ground.

[1:15:14] I think you're right, though.

[1:15:16] I think you got it in one.

[1:15:18] I think Bratz.

[1:15:18] Bratz, yeah.

[1:15:19] Bratz, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:21] It has a certain joie de vivre that I enjoy.

[1:15:25] I find myself thinking about the songs from that movie more often than I'd like to.

[1:15:29] They're not particularly good songs.

[1:15:31] They're very catchy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:32] Do you ever have nightmares that your wife is going to come home and catch you and Sammy

[1:15:37] watching the Bratz movie and Sammy's like singing along to the songs and everything?

[1:15:42] I thought you were going to say, do you ever have nightmares that your wife's a brat?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:47] Then I just turn over in bed and she's got huge distorted eyes and almost no, like, it's like stick thin.

[1:15:56] That would be horrifying.

[1:15:59] But right now, my son's new thing now is the songs from Frozen.

[1:16:03] Uh-huh.

[1:16:04] So, I mean, the Bratz songs are not that far out of the general ballpark.

[1:16:08] In terms of quality, there's a real difference.

[1:16:11] But I could see it happening.

[1:16:12] And you know what?

[1:16:13] I'd support him every step of the way because he's got an attention span of about three weeks

[1:16:16] and then I'd be on to something else.

[1:16:18] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:20] The last letter of the evening is from Christopher, last name withheld.

[1:16:25] Cross.

[1:16:27] Who's...

[1:16:27] He says...

[1:16:29] It's titled Movie Idea for Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:33] Movie Idea for Stuart.

[1:16:37] So he's singing it as he types it.

[1:16:40] I mean, that's more Michael McDonald, but that's okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:44] OMG, Stu.

[1:16:46] Dude.

[1:16:47] Yep.

[1:16:47] A movie where a regular dude falls in love with a cartoon hottie like a regular Jessica Rabbit hottie.

[1:16:52] Oh, yeah.

[1:16:53] Humans and cartoons exist together.

[1:16:54] Yeah.

[1:16:55] And they have a baby.

[1:16:56] And the baby is CGI.

[1:16:58] Okay.

[1:16:58] Also, they have to stop a real estate developer from steamrolling a cartoon estate developer.

[1:17:03] Mostly because cartoon housing is cheaper and you can't charge as much for it.

[1:17:07] That's pretty much all I got.

[1:17:08] I mean, cheaper and you can't charge as much for it are pretty much the same thing.

[1:17:11] Oh, and expect a lot of cartoon nudity.

[1:17:13] Christopher, last name withheld.

[1:17:14] Sounds great, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:16] Wait.

[1:17:16] So, Stuart, in this movie?

[1:17:17] I don't...

[1:17:18] Or he's just watching this movie?

[1:17:20] See, I am...

[1:17:21] Is this the most narrow of narrow casting?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:23] Now, have you ever seen the show Shark Tank?

[1:17:25] Because that's just what you witnessed here today, boys.

[1:17:27] I am a shark-style investor sitting on my plinth, on my dais, judging all those before me.

[1:17:35] And what he just did is he did what they call in the business an elevator pitch.

[1:17:40] Right, guys?

[1:17:40] That's what they call it?

[1:17:41] I don't know.

[1:17:42] What business?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:43] I don't know.

[1:17:43] Movie making.

[1:17:46] I'd like to imagine a Shark Tank where Ralph Bakshi is one of the investors.

[1:17:51] So, this is a product that keeps food fresh longer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:55] The idea that...

[1:17:56] When do the cartoon boobs come into it?

[1:17:59] If I could be on a show where I get to sit on a stage with Ralph Bakshi and people pitch cartoons, porno movie ideas to us, that would be amazing.

[1:18:09] I am sure Spike could find room for it in its lineup.

[1:18:12] Yeah, definitely.

[1:18:13] Come on.

[1:18:14] Between all the Ink Master spinoffs...

[1:18:17] Or the Esquire Network, does that still exist?

[1:18:20] Probably.

[1:18:22] But thank you, I guess, for that movie pitch.

[1:18:26] I mean, it's...

[1:18:27] Dan says that as if he did not read the letter at all before choosing it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:32] Sometimes the letters choose me.

[1:18:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:18:36] Mm, Yoda over here.

[1:18:38] Mm.

[1:18:39] Mm.

[1:18:40] Yoda.

[1:18:40] Mm, back it up, Yoda.

[1:18:42] Mm.

[1:18:43] Looking good, Yoda.

[1:18:44] Looking real nice.

[1:18:46] Yeah.

[1:18:46] Why don't you put that gnarled walking stick down and...

[1:18:49] That's the next to me.

[1:18:50] Stop wagging that R2, you know, with it.

[1:18:53] What's under that robe, huh?

[1:18:55] And just stop stealing that space traveler's Nutri-sticks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:01] I was always fucking wondering what those tasted like, because he's into it, dude.

[1:19:06] He really likes them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:07] But you have to believe that he's eaten nothing but, like, boiled bark stew for a hundred years.

[1:19:12] Actually, not a hundred years.

[1:19:13] Twenty years.

[1:19:14] Because they inserted him into the prequel timeline.

[1:19:17] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:18] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:19] Ugh, so disappointing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:21] I kind of always assumed that he was, like, one of those holy fool types.

[1:19:26] Yeah.

[1:19:26] Like, a wise man who was also kind of, like, not fit for normal society because he's so crazy.

[1:19:32] Yeah.

[1:19:32] But it turns out, like, he's just...

[1:19:35] He's just in hiding.

[1:19:36] Yeah, he's just in hiding, and he was as sensible as anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:38] He's like a little frog ninja that kills clone troopers super easy.

[1:19:42] Yeah, and says around the Jedi a perimeter make or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:46] Anyway, so...

[1:19:51] It'll all be explained in that Yoda Solo film that comes up.

[1:19:54] When he marries Han Solo and becomes Yoda Solo, he takes Han's last name.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:01] So this is the last segment of the podcast where we recommend a movie that we actually like.

[1:20:06] Now, we enjoyed Saving Christmas for its bad qualities, but what are some movies we enjoyed

[1:20:11] for their good qualities?

[1:20:14] I guess I'll go.

[1:20:16] Uh...

[1:20:18] I've watched a lot of movies recently.

[1:20:20] How many planes did you fly on?

[1:20:23] Uh...

[1:20:23] How many movies was it?

[1:20:25] No, I was just hanging out.

[1:20:26] So many movies.

[1:20:29] I was just hanging out around the house, and I had a lot of free time, so...

[1:20:32] Whoa, sorry, dude.

[1:20:34] Yeah.

[1:20:34] Am I reading My Struggle?

[1:20:36] How detailed is this?

[1:20:37] I watched Everybody Wants Some, which Stuart already recommended, but I loved it.

[1:20:44] I would take ten of those over another boyhood.

[1:20:48] You know who wants some?

[1:20:49] Dan.

[1:20:50] Yeah.

[1:20:50] And me.

[1:20:51] I watched Don't Think Twice, which was okay.

[1:20:55] You know...

[1:20:55] So think twice about watching that one.

[1:20:57] It was fine.

[1:20:57] You know, it had...

[1:20:59] It was...

[1:21:00] You know, like, it's about New York improv culture.

[1:21:05] Oh, that's that movie.

[1:21:06] Okay.

[1:21:06] Yeah.

[1:21:06] And so I was like, well, a lot of this movie speaks to me directly.

[1:21:09] But then again, there's like a lot of it that's just like really like wackily like wrong.

[1:21:14] I'm just like, why does this whole improv troupe live together in a house?

[1:21:18] That seems strange.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:20] Yeah, because they want to stop being polite and start getting improvisational.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:22] Maybe that's how they're going to win their inheritance.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:26] Is it a haunted house?

[1:21:28] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:28] You have to do an improv show in a haunted house.

[1:21:32] Sounds like a Tales from the Crypt episode.

[1:21:33] I saw Elle.

[1:21:34] I guess so.

[1:21:35] The Paul Verhoeven movie.

[1:21:36] Oh.

[1:21:37] Which was really well acted and directed.

[1:21:40] I'm still not quite sure what the movie was saying, which is why I'm not...

[1:21:45] You're saying run out and read Elle magazine.

[1:21:47] I'm not quite recommending it, even though I think it's really worth watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:51] So are we watching the nominees that didn't win the award of recommendation from Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:55] So I'm going to go back on a movie that I've seen before, but I watched again recently.

[1:22:02] I saw at the Metrograph here in New York...

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:05] What was the weather like that day?

[1:22:07] I saw...

[1:22:08] How much money was in your pocket when you were sitting there?

[1:22:12] I re-watched The Squid and the Whale.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:13] Pastrami swandwich.

[1:22:15] You just said...

[1:22:16] Swandwich?

[1:22:17] Fuck this stupid pocket.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:21] Pastrami swandwich.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:22] It's like a sandwich with a swan in it.

[1:22:24] Mm-hmm.

[1:22:25] I saw The Squid and the Whale with Noah Baumbach in attendance doing a Q&A afterwards.

[1:22:30] So you recommend going to see Squid and the Whale with Noah Baumbach, isn't it?

[1:22:33] Yeah, exactly.

[1:22:35] No, I recommend Squid and the Whale.

[1:22:36] I know that, Elliot, you have mixed feelings about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:41] Yeah, it doesn't...

[1:22:42] I mean, for me, it was not a wholly fulfilling experience.

[1:22:45] Maybe if I watch it again, maybe I'll feel differently.

[1:22:47] I felt like I didn't get a hole from it.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:49] You could have used more yucks, more jokes.

[1:22:51] Well, I think it's a short story of a movie rather than a novel of a movie, and I think that's okay sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:57] I also take...

[1:22:58] I mean, I shouldn't harp on this, but it is very hard for me to buy into nobody knowing that he didn't write that song.

[1:23:06] Oh, yeah.

[1:23:07] That nobody recognizes that song seems crazy to me.

[1:23:10] I mean, they do figure it out later in the movie, but yeah, it is...

[1:23:13] The minute he was playing it, someone didn't stand up and go, that's not your song.

[1:23:17] That's from The Wall.

[1:23:18] Like, I imagine him just sitting there going like, I wrote this song.

[1:23:21] Okay, everybody.

[1:23:23] Shake it a baby now, shake it a baby.

[1:23:26] And I'm going to be like, well, he's a genius.

[1:23:28] This is amazing.

[1:23:28] Okay, here's another song that I wrote.

[1:23:30] Okay.

[1:23:31] You ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:33] Oh, this guy's great.

[1:23:34] So many different genres.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:36] It's like a jungle sometimes.

[1:23:37] I really wonder how I keep from going under.

[1:23:40] Okay, great.

[1:23:41] Like, how many songs is he going to steal?

[1:23:43] But it's not a bad movie.

[1:23:45] It didn't work for me personally, but I'm not everybody.

[1:23:48] I'm every woman, but otherwise, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:50] If you haven't seen it quickly, it's about a family that's divorcing.

[1:23:53] Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney are the parents.

[1:23:56] And Jesse Eisenberg is the older sibling.

[1:24:00] And I believe it's Kevin Kline's kid is the younger sibling.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:02] It's a very specific type of, like, 70s, 80s Brooklyn intellectual family.

[1:24:09] 80s, 90s.

[1:24:10] It's like 1983.

[1:24:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:12] They're in Park Slope.

[1:24:13] And Jeff Bridges is a kind of a monster, like an intellectual monster.

[1:24:20] Jeff Daniels.

[1:24:21] Sorry.

[1:24:21] Jeff Daniels.

[1:24:23] Jeff Bridges is a monster is all I'm saying.

[1:24:25] He knows what he did to me.

[1:24:27] He's got a crazy heart.

[1:24:29] Well, Dan, I don't know why you're talking about me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:34] Is that Phantasm starring Jeff Bridges?

[1:24:37] Oh, wow.

[1:24:37] He's rattling his chains.

[1:24:39] Old man Bridges is back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:41] You summoned me?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:44] Just spoke my name four times.

[1:24:49] It's a bridge you best not cross.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:52] Jesse Eisenberg sympathizes more with his father, Jeff Daniels, even though Jeff Daniels is kind of self-evidently the worst.

[1:25:01] But, you know, it's a young man, you know, who doesn't know enough about the world quite yet and idolizes his father and is kind of learning, like, oh, everyone's imperfect.

[1:25:15] And maybe, like, I need to give my mom a break.

[1:25:19] And maybe, like, I love my dad, but he's not who I think he is.

[1:25:22] And it's that process of figuring that out.

[1:25:25] It's a movie about maturing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:26] Yeah.

[1:25:27] And it's, look, it's inspired by one of my favorite dioramas at the Museum of Natural History.

[1:25:32] So it's got that going for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:34] Yeah.

[1:25:34] So Squid and the Whale, that's my recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:38] So, Elliot, you got 20 minutes worth of recommendations?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:43] Okay, so my recommendation begins on a cold February night in 1973.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:48] Every movie that I brought up was of value.

[1:25:49] Elliot's grandparents.

[1:25:51] Every movie I brought up was of value.

[1:25:53] Every movie I brought up was worth seeing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:56] If I had to tell you about the movie that I'm going to recommend, we're really going to have to go back to ancient Babylon.

[1:26:03] Where it seems I'm going to recommend a movie that's probably still in the theaters as we talk now.

[1:26:09] It is a sci-fi flick by the name of Arrival.

[1:26:13] And it's the story of Amy Adams as a...

[1:26:17] No spoilers.

[1:26:18] It's the story of Amy Adams as...

[1:26:20] Oh, no, spoiler alert.

[1:26:22] Amy Adams is in it.

[1:26:23] Okay.

[1:26:23] As a linguist who is enlisted when mysterious aliens appear over different points in the earth.

[1:26:30] And the first step to figuring out what is going on is communicating with them.

[1:26:34] And everyone's having trouble figuring out how to communicate with these aliens.

[1:26:37] And she is enlisted to unlock this puzzle.

[1:26:40] And by doing so, discovers more than she intended.

[1:26:45] And I've been looking forward to this movie for a long time.

[1:26:47] I was a big fan of the story that it's based off of.

[1:26:50] And they kind of movied it up a little bit.

[1:26:54] But in a way that mostly worked for me.

[1:26:57] And I've heard a lot of people complaining to me that the ending is a little too on the nose.

[1:27:03] But that wasn't really a problem for me.

[1:27:05] Like the ending is very sentimental in a way that I found very moving.

[1:27:10] And I could see how it might be too on the nose or over the top for some people.

[1:27:15] But it's directed by Denis Villeneuve.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:20] Oh, Flop House favorite.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:21] The previous film, his last one was Prisoners, right?

[1:27:23] Oh, no.

[1:27:24] His last one was Sicario.

[1:27:26] Yeah.

[1:27:27] Which I liked.

[1:27:27] Prisoners, I didn't like Sicario.

[1:27:29] I liked this movie.

[1:27:30] I like even more than those two.

[1:27:31] And I found that his style, which is very dark and very ominous, combined with a story that is hopeful more than it is bleak, was a really good combination for me.

[1:27:43] It brought gravity to the story, but without dragging it down too much.

[1:27:47] So Arrival, I really liked.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:49] Kind of like the opposite of Zack Snyder's Man of Steel, kind of.

[1:27:52] Yeah, kind of.

[1:27:53] Where he tried to drape everything in seriousness, but also try and tell a story of a magical spaceman.

[1:28:00] A magical spaceman who wears his pajamas when he punches bank robbers.

[1:28:04] Yeah.

[1:28:05] And murders Michael Shannon's.

[1:28:08] Hey, dudes.

[1:28:09] I'm going to recommend a nice, short, little, nasty piece of work like Saving Christmas.

[1:28:15] It's called Saving Christmas.

[1:28:17] I'm going to recommend a recently released thriller, a thrill ride called Don't Breathe.

[1:28:25] This was produced by Sam Raimi's company that has been handling a couple of small, tight little movies like the Evil Dead remake.

[1:28:35] And what are you going to lie?

[1:28:37] I don't know.

[1:28:38] The way you said tight little movies.

[1:28:38] Tight little movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:40] I don't like that.

[1:28:40] Okay.

[1:28:41] I'll stop.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:42] Okay, so this is a little thriller about three kind of down on their luck young kids who are.

[1:28:53] The Mott Squad.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:55] Who have to do a dance recital to save the community center.

[1:28:59] Uh-huh.

[1:29:00] A dance recital.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:02] Whatever.

[1:29:03] It's pretty official.

[1:29:05] So they, uh, they, these, the three kids are trying to get out of Detroit and make a little money.

[1:29:13] So they are robbing houses and they have access to these houses because one of the kids, uh, fathers works for a security company.

[1:29:20] And they get a hot tip on a, a blind veteran's home who is sitting on a bunch of money after his daughter was killed in a car accident.

[1:29:31] And so they, uh, they break into this guy's home and get more than they bargained for.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:36] Uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:37] Um, so it's a very tense little movie.

[1:29:39] It uses a little bit of, uh, like cinematic flourishes.

[1:29:44] But for the most part, I think it, any like cinematic techniques and shots and camera movements, all that stuff, I think it works to better the plot as a, and, and better, and like raise the tension as opposed to like, you know, some shit where like a camera flies.

[1:30:01] It's through a keyhole or something, which just kind of takes you out of the thing.

[1:30:05] Um, it almost reminds me more of some of the tricks that, uh, David Fincher used in panic room.

[1:30:11] Yeah.

[1:30:11] I think still.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:12] Doesn't the camera fly through a mug handle in panic room?

[1:30:15] It does.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:16] But for some reason it works in panic room.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:18] I mean, David Fincher knows what he's doing.

[1:30:19] Yeah.

[1:30:20] Um.

[1:30:20] Except when he made Bungieman Button.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:22] And, uh, the, the, the, the blind veteran is played by Stephen Lang, who has famously, uh, pitched himself to play Cable in a future movie.

[1:30:34] Uh, Cable, the Marvel superhero, uh, Marvel character.

[1:30:38] Not Cable, the thing that you plug into other things.

[1:30:40] Yeah.

[1:30:41] Oh, he'd be great at that though.

[1:30:43] Um, but he gives this amazing performance.

[1:30:45] Um, and I will say that there is a twist, uh, near the end of the movie that is a little crazy.

[1:30:52] Uh, and is some would find very off putting.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:56] Well, yeah, you, you should, I think, warn people that there is what is essentially an attempted rape scene in the movie.

[1:31:03] Yeah, that's fair.

[1:31:04] If that is something that is going to, uh, upset you to the point that you could not watch the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:09] Yes, that's fair.

[1:31:10] Dan, that is a good thing to warn people about.

[1:31:13] Uh, yeah, it's pretty rough.

[1:31:15] Um, okay, so don't breathe.

[1:31:17] So not one for the family.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:19] No.

[1:31:20] Put it, pop it in this Christmas.

[1:31:22] Pop some popcorn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:23] Pop some red and boggers.

[1:31:24] Granny, get pop pop on the couch.

[1:31:27] Get little Timmy and little, little Jesse and little Betsy and just pop in.

[1:31:33] Don't breathe.

[1:31:35] Heartwarming.

[1:31:37] Why is everything popping?

[1:31:39] Just pop it off.

[1:31:40] Pop it off.

[1:31:42] Just pop some bottles.

[1:31:44] Pop around.

[1:31:45] Paparazzi.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:46] Drink some pop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:48] Just play.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:49] Use the pop-o-matic to pop the dice.

[1:31:51] No, man.

[1:31:52] We have done everything now.

[1:31:55] That was everything we could do in the show.

[1:31:57] We have done everything in the world.

[1:31:59] There's no thing we didn't do.

[1:32:00] And, you know, this has been a pretty short episode for us, but it's also longer than the

[1:32:03] fucking movie again.

[1:32:05] Again.

[1:32:05] I would continue our streak of talking longer than the movie.

[1:32:08] Yeah.

[1:32:09] Well.

[1:32:09] You have any final thoughts, Dan?

[1:32:12] Hey, guys.

[1:32:12] Before you exit this mortal plane.

[1:32:14] Wait, what?

Dan McCoy

[1:32:15] Be good to each other this holiday season, right?

[1:32:17] You know?

[1:32:18] Hey, let's not forget.

[1:32:19] Be excellent to each other and party on, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:22] All right.

[1:32:23] Never mind.

[1:32:23] I won't get heartfelt because Dan didn't.

[1:32:25] I fell for the old Dan inability to express his emotions honestly.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:29] You can be heartfelt.

[1:32:31] I give you permission.

[1:32:32] Look.

[1:32:33] I've said a lot about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:35] Say something heartfelt.

[1:32:36] Dan will slide some sunglasses on his face and chew some gum.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:42] I don't celebrate Christmas.

[1:32:44] I celebrate my own stuff.

[1:32:45] But a lot of people do celebrate Christmas.

[1:32:47] The point is, any excuse you can find to do something good for somebody else, to be good

[1:32:54] to somebody else, and to think about what you're lucky to have or what you're grateful to have

[1:32:59] is a good thing to do.

[1:33:01] So if that means it's because it's the holidays, if that means it's because it's cold outside

[1:33:05] and you want to snuggle up that much closer, it doesn't matter.

[1:33:08] Let's take this time to try to give ourselves a reason to be better people and to be the

[1:33:15] best we can be to the people around us and the rest of the world, and then let's take

[1:33:19] that feeling and let's continue it beyond the holiday season into the year 2017, because

[1:33:24] we're going to have enough problems in the year 2017.

[1:33:27] Let's all try to be our best selves and just keep running with it, and I think we're all

[1:33:32] going to be a lot happier that way, and we're going to make other people happy that way

[1:33:34] too.

[1:33:35] And that's all I'll say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:36] Amen.

[1:33:36] That's a pretty good setup for that letter writing campaign, everybody's starting to write

[1:33:42] letters to the Mondo Corporation, so they'll mail me a complimentary Phantasm Ball Christmas

[1:33:46] tree ornament.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:47] Yeah, that's what I'm talking about when I say that, is write to the Mondo Company and demand

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:52] a free Phantasm ornament.

[1:33:54] For Stuart.

[1:33:55] Not for you.

[1:33:56] This is for Stuart.

[1:33:57] Yeah, come on.

[1:33:58] Think about others at this time of need.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:02] It's been great.

[1:34:04] We'll see you next time.

[1:34:06] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:08] Hey, you know what?

[1:34:09] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:12] And on second thought, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:34:14] Good night, everyone.

[1:34:20] And then we do the regular show, and then we make it up as we go along.

[1:34:23] We're just doing it, doing it.

[1:34:25] Hipping and hopping it.

[1:34:26] Bipping and bopping it.

[1:34:28] Bipping and bopping.

[1:34:28] Booping and booping.

[1:34:30] Roping and scoping.

[1:34:31] This is Sammy's new thing, by the way, is making up rhymes.

[1:34:33] So all dinner, he was going, he's like, you have a chair, or you have a Claire.

[1:34:41] You eat your cheese, or you eat your peas.

[1:34:46] Like, I'm just thinking, and most of them is like, your hair is a zare.

[1:34:52] Just like made up nonsense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:54] It's really funny that he does it for a long time.

[1:34:56] He's like, mom's spaghetti.

[1:34:59] Belps are getty.

[1:35:00] It's still getty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:04] Betty's spaghetti.

[1:35:06] A league of their own.

[1:35:11] League of their own.

[1:35:12] Fully grown.

[1:35:13] Setti.

[1:35:14] Bitch and moan.

[1:35:15] Setti.

[1:35:16] Yeti on the Setti.

[1:35:17] Eating spaghetti.

[1:35:18] Hands are sweaty.

[1:35:20] Fred and Betty.

[1:35:22] Well, Fred shouldn't be with Betty.

[1:35:24] Well, we don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:26] We don't know what's happening between the two of them.

[1:35:29] So they went to a key party, and they put their little rock keys.

[1:35:33] It was a rock party.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:34] You couldn't tell the difference between the rocks.

[1:35:36] There has to be some unproduced script someone at Hanna-Barbera wrote for fun where Fred and Barney swap wives.

[1:35:43] It has to exist.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:46] Maximumfun.org.

[1:35:47] Comedy and culture.

[1:35:48] Artist owned.

[1:35:49] Listener supported.

Ep. #219 - Saving Christmas

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