Ep. #219 - Saving Christmas

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Saving Christmas.

[0:04] Wait, we discuss how we're gonna save Christmas, or is there a movie called Saving Christmas?

[0:09] It's a movie directed by Mel Gibson. No.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] Hey, Dan, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:46] Hey, guys, Elliot Kalin here and ready for more flop-tastic fun.

[0:51] And we are The Flophouse. Ho, ho, ho, it's December. Merry December.

[0:58] Yeah, you better watch out, you better December, you better not pout, I'll tell you December.

[1:04] It's slightly colder than November.

[1:09] But not as cold as January'll get. February's cold too, March sometimes too.

[1:14] By the time you get to April, it's warming up.

[1:18] No, we're not doing that.

[1:19] Shortest day of the year is in December.

[1:24] Merry December to all the fans.

[1:28] December, December, December, I made it out of days.

[1:31] And when December's over, it'll be January.

[1:35] Oh, December, December, December, the month at the end of the year.

[1:39] December, December, December, spiders are what I fear.

[1:44] Come on, guys.

[1:45] Not really true, I'm not afraid of spiders, but it fits.

[1:48] Stuart has a cold, he's in pain.

[1:51] He's a regular Scrooge.

[1:53] He's going to be visited by three spirits.

[1:56] Scotch.

[1:58] Both went for the same joke.

[2:01] Do we have to do a podcast today?

[2:05] Stuart is having the double whammy of feeling a little sick and also having just watched the movie Saving Christmas, starring Craig Cameron, which is almost not a movie.

[2:15] It is pushing the boundaries of what can be a film as much as any art film I've ever seen.

[2:21] It's very experimental in that regard.

[2:23] If you were to ask me what's more of a movie, this or Wax or the discovery of television among the bees, I'd be like, well, that has a plot.

[2:30] It's a plot about a man with a six-sided TV in his head that bees put there, and he merges by bomb into two Iraqi soldiers who are in the Gulf War, but that's more of a movie than this.

[2:39] This is definitely the My Dinner with Andre of low-budget Christian films.

[2:44] It's basically just two guys talking for most of the time of the –

[2:47] In a car.

[2:48] Yeah, except for whenever they get out of the car, or they don't get out of the car, but whenever the movie –

[2:53] You never leave the car.

[2:55] Whenever the movie gets out of the car.

[2:57] Even when you get out of the car, you're still in the car.

[2:59] The one time the movie gets out of the car, it is for the most –

[3:02] You're in a bigger car, and you're like, what?

[3:04] Out of this car, in this big car.

[3:07] Car to hypercar.

[3:13] Is that the sequel to The Car is –

[3:15] Okay, you guys trick me with stupid jokes.

[3:17] I still don't want to do this today.

[3:19] Okay, well, what if we told you that you got to –

[3:22] That you could be put in this Christianity today for the low, low price of $99.99.

[3:28] The low, low price of your soul.

[3:30] You could have eternal life.

[3:32] Let's let that sink in for a moment, because the minute you're born, you start to die.

[3:37] That's just how it works.

[3:39] Life is just a brief flame between the cradle and the grave.

[3:43] I tell you, it's a one-way trip, and there's no return pass.

[3:47] Well, let me tell you, buddy.

[3:49] There is a way you can live forever, and all you have to do is celebrate Christmas the exact fucking way Cameron tells you to.

[3:57] Because if you don't want a tree, Santa Claus, gifts, or a nativity scene in a snow globe, then you're going to get, I assume, burned at the stake.

[4:06] Santa Claus is coming to town to beat the shit out of you.

[4:09] I mean this movie does include a scene where St. Nicholas, the person that Santa Claus is supposedly based on, does beat up a guy.

[4:16] So guys, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:19] Oh, sorry. We should give our mission statement.

[4:21] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[4:25] And because it's the holiday season, we...

[4:28] Did Kirk Cameron teach you nothing? It's the Christmas movie.

[4:32] Okay. We picked Saving Christmas, or I did.

[4:35] 2014 hit film.

[4:38] To say I knew what we'd be watching before it started playing would be a lie.

[4:42] Actually, no. The first reason I knew we were watching Saving Christmas was because the screen came up on Dance TV, and we saw that it was a full and plump 79 minutes long.

[4:54] And we were overjoyed. It's a Christmas miracle. Less than an hour and a half. Little did we know that fully at least a third of that 79 minutes...

[5:01] So much bounty. What have we done to deserve this treasure?

[5:03] Oh, nothing. But that's God's grace. That's just the mystery of it.

[5:07] Fully a third or more of the movie is filler.

[5:11] There are two or three...

[5:13] It's all filler, no killer.

[5:15] There are two or three introductory prologues.

[5:19] There's at least two epilogues.

[5:22] There's stuff that happens, and then there's a production company logo, and then there's stuff that happens, and then another production company logo.

[5:30] You get to see four different versions of the... What is this? Magic Christian Church? Lutheran University? Which one is that?

[5:39] It's surely the only film that boasts both Samuel Goldwyn Productions and Liberty University as, I guess, involved in the production and distribution in some way.

[5:51] So the movie begins...

[5:53] I would say that Samuel Goldwyn, a Jewish man who was dedicated to a certain sort of middle-to-highbrow, kind of your classic quality film.

[6:03] Say what you will about how stodgy that might be, but he produced a number of movies that are genuinely wonderful.

[6:08] I don't know that he would have been so into distributing a $500,000 budget infomercial for rationalizing the non-religious elements of Christmas as actually being far more religious than everything else.

[6:23] The mission statement of this movie is if you have an issue with – let's say you don't have an issue with Christianity.

[6:31] You're already Christian. The movie takes it for granted.

[6:33] If you're watching this movie, you're Christian, which, to be fair, is probably the case.

[6:37] It's either a Christian person or assholes who do all these stupid podcasts that nobody listens to.

[6:41] I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only non-Christian person to ever see this entire movie, ever.

[6:46] I don't know. There's probably out there someone has tied down a Jewish person and made them watch this in a weird effort to convert them.

[6:55] I guess maybe. It would be a very weird effort.

[6:57] Do you imagine that you're a high school kid. You're invited to a party.

[7:03] Well, I've never been in that situation.

[7:05] You're with some cool kids, and you're like, oh, these cool white kids are really nice.

[7:09] They invited me to this special party.

[7:11] Why are they white?

[7:12] Well, because Smashcut, the party ends up. You're in the basement.

[7:16] Everybody is looking at you weird.

[7:18] They start a movie, and you're like, oh, I hope it's a spooky, scary movie.

[7:21] And in a way, it is spooky, scary because the movie they're showing you is Saving Christmas.

[7:27] Saving Christmas.

[7:28] Not Survivors.

[7:29] Surviving Christmas is different.

[7:30] I mean –

[7:31] Christmas with the cranks?

[7:33] So you get up to leave. You get up to leave.

[7:35] You don't want to watch this movie, and you find the basement door is locked, and there's like 16 hungry kids down there.

[7:43] Hungry for your flesh.

[7:45] Yeah, or pizza rolls. Who knows?

[7:47] Kids love both of them.

[7:49] So there's a little slot at the bottom of the door.

[7:51] That's where mom can slip the tray with pizza rolls on it.

[7:55] Or perhaps a Go-Gurt.

[7:57] I don't know if those slots are wide enough for the Sam's Club size Go-Gurt containers.

[8:03] Why are they the Sam's Club size?

[8:05] She just gives you the individual –

[8:06] It's because of the value, dude.

[8:07] Yeah, come on.

[8:08] How many do you think she's made of money?

[8:10] Then you take the individual sleeves of Go-Gurt out of that, and you slide it under the door.

[8:15] No, we get it in trough size because we're a hungry family of six kids.

[8:19] You've got to be transferring it to a smaller package at some point, or else you lose the Go aspect of Go-Gurt, which is that it's mobile, and you can eat it on the go.

[8:28] I don't know.

[8:29] I think if you put the trough on a skateboard, and then the six kids kind of shimmy along the side next to it, you're not getting your steps on your Fitbit counter.

[8:37] Certainly not.

[8:39] You better either be on the go drinking it from a sleeve or sitting down playing the ancient game of Go, or it is not Go-Gurt.

[8:48] Yeah.

[8:49] But whether you have Go-Gurt or yogurt, the important thing is the Gurt.

[8:52] We can all agree on that.

[8:54] Sure. Gurt is where it's at.

[8:56] How in a world where they were trying to make yogurt sound cooler, they changed the yo part of the word.

[9:05] The fact that it already has a cool word in it, and not Gurt, which sounds terrible?

[9:10] Yeah, I mean, if you're going to try and connect with hip teens.

[9:13] Yeah.

[9:14] I mean, yo is something they say all the time.

[9:16] Yo, Willie!

[9:17] You know, because they're all alph.

[9:19] Yo, Gabba Gabba.

[9:20] Yo, Gabba Gabba.

[9:21] Yo, yo.

[9:22] The coolest of the toys.

[9:24] Are there Justine Bateman's boyfriend from Family Ties who always said yo?

[9:29] Nick.

[9:30] Nick, I believe is his name.

[9:31] I don't remember that character.

[9:32] Did he die in a car accident?

[9:34] I don't know.

[9:35] You're thinking of James Dean.

[9:36] Okay.

[9:37] I think I am.

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:39] Or Princess Di, maybe?

[9:40] Yep.

[9:41] Who's known for dying?

[9:42] Oh, geez.

[9:43] What?

[9:44] Come on.

[9:45] Come on.

[9:46] She was the People's Princess.

[9:47] She was the People's Republic of Princess.

[9:49] It's right there in the name the whole time.

[9:51] So, now that we've offended everybody, let's talk about the movie that offended us.

[9:55] Saving Christmas.

[9:56] Segway of the Year Award for your consideration.

[10:00] The movie begins in a nativity scene.

[10:05] A nativity of Kirk Cameron's house.

[10:08] So the movie starts with Kirk Cameron literally sitting in front of a fireplace

[10:12] establishing the mission statement for this movie.

[10:14] Yeah, like a Christmas special type opening.

[10:17] Like if you were doing interstitials for, I don't know, you're showing

[10:21] Ernest Saves Christmas or something.

[10:22] Yeah, and Jim Varney, rest in peace, is going to sit in this chair.

[10:25] I mean, he's not going to.

[10:26] That was a crazy scrape.

[10:27] Corpse.

[10:28] It's crazy.

[10:29] It's not like a Wild West, like Wild Bill Hickok dead body show or something.

[10:36] You know where you play.

[10:38] You're not putting him on display.

[10:39] You're not putting a corpse on display.

[10:41] That didn't happen to Wild Bill Hickok.

[10:42] You're thinking of Jonah Hex that happened to.

[10:44] Wait, Jonah Hex died?

[10:46] Oh, boy.

[10:47] Actually, there's a really great Jonah Hex story about his stuffed body is now

[10:52] part of like a sideshow, but somehow his guns are still loaded, so even though

[10:56] he's a stuffed corpse, he still kills somebody.

[10:58] Yeah.

[10:59] Anyway, it's a fun story.

[11:01] Yeah.

[11:02] But so Chris Cameron.

[11:03] So Chris Cameron is sitting there.

[11:05] Christian Cameron.

[11:06] The very Christian Cameron.

[11:07] He's sitting in a chair sipping a mug of cocoa.

[11:10] Very slowly.

[11:11] And he very slowly explains the purpose of the movie, which is that there's two

[11:16] types of people out there.

[11:17] People who are telling you, hey, you can celebrate Christmas, but be a little

[11:21] quieter.

[11:22] It doesn't belong in the public square.

[11:23] And people telling you, hey, all this stuff about Christmas, the tree, Santa

[11:27] Claus, the elves, it's pagan.

[11:29] It's not even in the Bible.

[11:31] And he's saying, don't listen to those fuckers because it's all Christian and

[11:35] the world should be Christian.

[11:37] Cue the movie.

[11:38] And then you cut to the next group of production logos.

[11:41] But I love how it is, like, actually how the world is.

[11:44] Like, Christianity is like walking around like, this thing, it's mine now.

[11:48] That thing, it's me.

[11:51] I mean, that is the history of Western civilization.

[11:53] He does say, he says, I love the fire.

[11:57] Because he's in front of a fireplace.

[11:58] And it's a great time to grout your beard.

[12:00] The fire, it destroys everything.

[12:02] It cares not.

[12:03] It's a cleansing fire.

[12:04] It purifies the soul.

[12:07] The tool of Vulcan.

[12:10] It's destroyer of forests, heater of food, man's oldest enemy.

[12:13] This building is on fire.

[12:15] Gremlins 2, the new batch.

[12:17] Great stuff.

[12:19] Oh, man, what a much better movie.

[12:22] And a much better Christmas movie, right?

[12:25] That was not Christmas.

[12:27] That happens on President's Day, right?

[12:29] Well, they talk about President's Day.

[12:31] Because it's not on President's Day, but someone mentions Lincoln's birthday.

[12:38] And it kind of, in a way, it takes place on New Year's Eve.

[12:41] In a way.

[12:43] Okay, I retract that it's a Christmas movie.

[12:45] The first Gremlins Christmas movie.

[12:47] Let's say it takes place on a, maybe it's an Arbor Day film.

[12:51] Well, to the Gremlins, before they all die, spoiler alert, they kind of think it's New Year's Eve.

[12:56] And they're singing New York, New York.

[12:58] They're just partying.

[12:59] I mean, New York, New York's not a New Year's Eve song.

[13:01] Kind of it is.

[13:02] What else do you hear it?

[13:03] Anytime you're in the airport at New York, when you're leaving a Yankees game, they always play it.

[13:08] Yep.

[13:09] Well, that doesn't happen ever.

[13:10] When you're watching the film New York, New York, you hear Liza Minnelli sing it.

[13:14] When you're having sex with Frank Sinatra, he just sings it.

[13:17] That's what happens.

[13:18] Because the part about top of the heap, he sings that while he's on top of you.

[13:23] And then he goes, get it, ring-a-ding-ding.

[13:26] You're the heap, baby.

[13:28] I'm calling you a heap.

[13:29] I'm done.

[13:30] Get out of here.

[13:31] Money's on the table.

[13:36] Old Blue Eyes is not back.

[13:39] Get out of here.

[13:41] Geno, take care of her.

[13:43] Geno was there the whole time?

[13:45] He was sitting in the corner.

[13:46] You got it, Frank.

[13:47] Just waiting for him to finish so he can hustle you out.

[13:49] Yep.

[13:50] He looks at the camera and he goes, it's a woman.

[13:52] Sammy, you want a turn?

[13:53] No.

[13:54] All right, get her out of here.

[13:55] It's terrible.

[13:56] I mean, he was a terrible man.

[13:58] Frank Sinatra, yes.

[14:00] Voiced like an angel, though.

[14:02] Yeah.

[14:03] Come on.

[14:04] But anyway, Kirk Caron, he lays claim to things like fireplaces and beards as if those are part of Christmas.

[14:10] But he says, like, don't listen to those people.

[14:13] Everything about Christmas is religious.

[14:15] Here's how you'll find out.

[14:17] Then cut to the title credits.

[14:19] It's an animated, you know, birth of Jesus.

[14:21] With Christmas music playing.

[14:23] Yeah, it's like the cherry-protected daddies are playing this song.

[14:28] Cherry-protected daddies.

[14:30] I get it.

[14:31] I get it.

[14:32] Dan doesn't seem to enjoy much of it.

[14:34] It took me a moment.

[14:35] Because there was a band in the 90s.

[14:37] Now, there was a band who played on, I believe, the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, whose name was the Cherry Popping Daddies.

[14:43] Yeah, it was a swing revival.

[14:44] A name that implies, at the very least, that a man with children of his own is going about deflowering someone else's children.

[14:52] Or at worst, his children.

[14:54] What was it then?

[14:55] Swing.

[14:56] Swing revival.

[14:57] Oh, you're right.

[14:58] It was part of the swing revival.

[14:59] I mean, if you're making a Save Ferris joke, maybe then I would have been on board.

[15:02] Like real big fish?

[15:03] Yeah, yeah.

[15:04] It's real big fisher of men.

[15:06] There you go.

[15:07] Perfect.

[15:08] There you go, Dan.

[15:09] Boom.

[15:10] We did it.

[15:11] Case closed.

[15:12] Take him away, boys.

[15:13] Oh, no, no, Cage will keep me.

[15:16] What about Nicolas Cage?

[15:17] Here, I'll keep him in my house.

[15:18] Yeah, in my castle that I sold.

[15:20] I'll put him in my pyramid tomb.

[15:25] I forgot he had one of those.

[15:27] Yeah, so I'll be like the risen Osiris.

[15:30] My organs will be kept in canoptic jars.

[15:33] I'll keep my ca.

[15:35] You can't spell cage without ca.

[15:37] It's not spelled that way, but you get the idea.

[15:41] Nicolas Nicodemus.

[15:44] That's an Egyptian thing, right?

[15:46] There's something there.

[15:47] Keep going.

[15:48] Nicolas Coptic.

[15:49] Anyway, so Kirk Cameron has established a mission statement.

[15:53] So cut to.

[15:54] We are at the swinginest Christmas party at someone's McMansion that there is.

[15:59] And Kirk Cameron, it's his sister's house, and she's married to a guy named Christian,

[16:04] despite the fact that he looks and he's coded as super Jewish.

[16:09] Glasses, beard goatee.

[16:11] Asks a lot of questions.

[16:12] Asks a lot of questions.

[16:13] Talks like, is this Christmas?

[16:16] Is this Christmas?

[16:18] Celebrate Christmas like this, like that, like this, like this.

[16:22] Turn into Jackie Mason.

[16:24] Yeah, Jackie Freemason, the conspiracy comedian.

[16:28] And Kirk Cameron's sister, I believe, is played by his real-life sister or possibly a woman who just had her last name changed to Cameron.

[16:34] Maybe.

[16:35] And the guy who plays his brother-in-law, Christian, is also the screenwriter and the director of the film.

[16:40] Yeah.

[16:41] Oh, that's why he takes direction so well.

[16:43] I think that's why he's allowed to ramble on for minute after minute and take after take.

[16:49] Improvise as if he's doing like a viola spool and exercise every time he's on.

[16:54] Swollen viola?

[16:55] Yeah, swollen viola.

[16:57] Viola spoolen.

[16:58] I don't know what that is.

[16:59] She's one of the seminal figures in improvisation.

[17:04] Oh, okay.

[17:05] What does she do?

[17:07] She helped invent improv as a form.

[17:11] Because you know who I thought invented improv?

[17:14] Jesus.

[17:15] Oh, okay.

[17:16] When he improvised the Sermon on the Mount.

[17:18] Oh, wow.

[17:19] He goes, I need a word to bless.

[17:23] I need a suggestion of something to bless.

[17:25] The meek.

[17:26] Oh, thank you.

[17:27] Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

[17:30] Okay, I need another thing to bless.

[17:32] Peacemakers.

[17:33] And that's all the Sermon on the Mount that I know.

[17:37] Some short scenes there.

[17:39] Every time he's done.

[17:41] Short form Christianity.

[17:43] Every time Judas runs across the stage to show that the scene is over.

[17:47] Anyway, Christian is appalled that his family is throwing this Christmas party that's so materialistic.

[17:54] It's not really about what's in the Bible or about the important thing, which is Jesus.

[17:58] And everything is distracting from Jesus.

[18:00] This is a very well-attended, multicultural Christmas party filled with giant plastic candy canes and stars.

[18:09] Giant wrapped gifts.

[18:11] Big old nutcracker in the corner.

[18:13] A man dressed as Santa Claus who is barely trying to keep his beard on.

[18:17] Yeah.

[18:18] It's a rip snorter of a holiday party.

[18:21] And Kirk Cameron.

[18:22] And there's like five speaking parts in the whole movie.

[18:25] Three of the characters barely enter into it.

[18:27] And the other two are Kirk Cameron and Christian.

[18:29] And so Christian storms out to his car.

[18:31] He can't deal with this.

[18:32] And Kirk Cameron decides he's going to go drop a little gospel knowledge on him so that he understands that this is actually the right way to celebrate Christmas.

[18:40] And he does this with three, eventually four monologues about how each of these elements that seem like they're not part of celebrating the divinity of Jesus actually are.

[18:52] And if you don't do them, you're kind of a heretic who needs to die.

[18:56] And they are hilariously reaching.

[19:03] They might as well be like Riddler jokes in the Batman series, the way that they make a connection between two unconnected things.

[19:12] Well, this conversation, and I use that term loosely, begins with Christian sitting in his SUV listening to, I don't know, one of many different types of songs that are played.

[19:22] They listen to a country song, some kind of funk song, a hip-hop song just in the background.

[19:27] But here's the thing I just didn't realize until now.

[19:30] You know why Kirk Cameron is so mad?

[19:31] Why is that?

[19:32] Why are Christians refusing to do it at his own party?

[19:34] Mingle.

[19:37] Christian mingle.

[19:39] That's why because that's another movie.

[19:43] Anyway, what you were saying.

[19:45] So their conversation begins with Christian basically laying out all the reasons why he doesn't agree with the materialism of Christmas and the various traditions that are associated with it.

[19:56] And Kirk Cameron never really answers that.

[20:00] he starts to he never really actually talks like it it begins it's exclusively

[20:07] told through stories rather than like and him revealing information as opposed

[20:12] to like actually trying to get to the bottom of what is his brother-in-law's

[20:15] problem it's not a real dialogue it is yeah it's a series of so little it's a

[20:20] series of speeches explicating each of these things but they're all like

[20:27] imagine a stone yeah a stone in a cave so the three things that while they're

[20:33] in the car at least that Christian is upset about are number one for some

[20:40] reason the zoo II Louie for some reason the nativity snow globe which is of

[20:44] course the major objection that anyone has a problem with the corruption of

[20:48] Christmas has all these nativity snow globes everywhere number two the

[20:52] Christmas tree and lastly what was the third one Santa Claus how do I forget

[20:58] Santa Claus the biggest one of them all because he's a fat man mm-hmm

[21:02] red he thinks as to quote Chico Marx there ain't no sanity clause so his

[21:21] let's try to very quickly do the explanation for why the nativity snow

[21:25] globe is important is because you have to remember that Jesus was born to die

[21:30] but that he what the Herod soldiers wanted to kill him when he was a baby

[21:34] but no God was gonna kill Jesus when God was good and ready so he did it doesn't

[21:39] really explain it doesn't really get at why I mean he said that Christian says

[21:44] Jesus wasn't born in December so why to do this now and Kirk Cameron kind of

[21:49] dances around that it's weird the movie they could have just edited out the

[21:53] things that the stories don't really address but instead they leave them in

[21:57] anyway and I don't want to I there's no way to put to find a point on it like

[22:02] Christian not to put to find a point on it maybe there's a bee in your bonnet

[22:06] yeah make a little birdhouse in your soul mm-hmm while you're at it leave the

[22:10] nightlight on inside the birdhouse in my soul but here's the thing like Christian

[22:16] is as his name would suggest a Christian like it's not like this movie is not

[22:25] about the spiritual awakening of a non-believer it's about one type of

[22:30] believer versus another type of believer and Christians type of believer is like

[22:34] look I mean like there's nothing in the Bible that says this happened at

[22:37] Christmas like it didn't happen at Christmas like it didn't happen in the

[22:40] winter didn't happen in December yeah even if it did December in where was

[22:49] where was Jesus born was it Nazareth or do you grow up in Nazareth Bethlehem

[22:53] Bethlehem that's that now you're messing with a son of a bitch song that's by

[22:57] Nazareth yeah but like even December in Bethlehem it most likely would not have

[23:03] snowed they would not have pine trees around everywhere like this is the pine

[23:07] tree is a pagan symbol that was borrowed from the winter solstice rather

[23:11] than a he mentions ham and I just realized now like yeah you better

[23:15] believe Jesus family was not eating ham at that time because it's not kosher

[23:19] yeah like they never would have so ever let's say that Christian is like the

[23:24] intellectual Christian he's he's the Christian who is looking yeah who's

[23:29] trying to put some kind of for the lack of a better word let's call it

[23:32] scientific or historical basis to his faith whereas Kirk Cameron I guess is

[23:39] supposedly presenting kind of the more mystical or metaphysical symbolical

[23:44] symbol like the analogy of faith but really is kind of just like a go-along

[23:48] get-along Chris well but that's that's his mentality but he uses the weapons of

[23:52] the enemy by trying to use symbology and like historical record to back him up I

[23:57] guess so it's yeah it's like he is he uses a lot of extreme like very very

[24:05] tortured explanations to explain why oh no the proper way to celebrate Christmas

[24:10] and therefore to be a Christian is to do it the way that middle to upper-class

[24:14] middle white Americans do it in the late 20th early 21st century that's what God

[24:20] meant all this time the importance of the mistletoe hanging above a couple

[24:25] is that it reflects the base desires of two animal I don't I don't know enough

[24:31] about Christianity like it's the there's a part at the end where he talks about

[24:35] the tree he goes in Genesis God creates a lot of trees and then there's this

[24:39] other tree and here's another tree boom trees with Santa Claus st. st. Nicholas

[24:45] what went to the Council of Nicaea and he was one who stood up for Christ

[24:49] divinity so Santa Claus isn't distracting from Jesus he's protecting

[24:53] Jesus and it's like the each of these things it feels like you're watching a

[24:57] Glenn Beck show where you're like you've taken like three actual historic facts

[25:01] and you've spun a web between them that like doesn't really hold up and doesn't

[25:06] answer the criticism and all you've all you're really doing there's a scene

[25:10] there here's the shot that made this movie for me was when Christian realizes

[25:14] his his error of his ways and goes back in to apologize to his wife for being a

[25:19] jerk and walks past two enormous refrigerators in their huge kitchen yeah

[25:25] next to like they have an entire like a like a refrigerator sized wine holder

[25:31] yeah that's that's a fridge wine fridge and it's like oh that's what this movie

[25:35] is all about this movie is all about how like it's totally okay to be a Christian

[25:40] who spends all of his money on stuff for himself and is working towards having a

[25:45] lifestyle that demands three enormous refrigerators next to each other yeah

[25:50] because Jesus wants you to have all this stuff dude and then it becomes explicit

[25:55] when at the end they're they're eating dinner and there's a voiceover from Kirk

[25:58] Cameron who's as if because it's like they forgot to address this things they

[26:01] threw it in hey people say the materialism gets to you well the story

[26:06] of Christ is all out the story of someone overcoming the material world in

[26:10] the material flesh no it was like no it's about a divine person made material

[26:15] and so giving material things is okay my fucking God this is like the opposite

[26:23] of the Christian dogma literally over like catalog shots of like very nice

[26:30] napkins and silver napkin rings on like a on a beautifully laid table like the

[26:37] whole thing feel like if someone brought up the parable of the camel and going

[26:40] through the eye of the needle and a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven

[26:43] they'd be like look over there they'd come up with some way to explain how

[26:48] actually the needle represents posterity and what they're saying is God is so

[26:54] generous that he'd make a needle big enough for a camel to get through that's

[26:59] why he wants you to have this stuff he's so generous with it and when he talks

[27:03] about a he also talks about can't say it about st. Nick beating the shit out of

[27:07] somebody which is like as if like this guy was a hero he beat the crap out of

[27:11] this guy yeah which seems also like kind of a non Jesus way to act but but

[27:16] but actually the the best rationalization is the guy Christian to

[27:21] show he's now humble slut throws open the doors of his house and then slides

[27:26] in on his belly along the marble really polished marble floor so that he is at

[27:32] eye level with the presence and it goes look up at those presents those boxes

[27:36] wrapped under the tree don't they look kind of like a skyline for the perfect

[27:41] city of heaven that God that dwells in and look at you with the tree above it

[27:46] and that tree symbolizes Jesus and that's the center blah blah blah but it

[27:49] was like wait we're supposed to give presents to each other because if you

[27:55] look at them from the floor they look like a city I'm not sure that tracks

[28:00] like I am the I am what I like I remember we did fireproof which was

[28:05] another Cameron Christian movie yeah and I wanted to go out of my way to say like

[28:09] look I have no problem with people's faith I respect people having that faith

[28:14] and I admired about people and I've got my own faith that I don't need to get

[28:18] into it's called Chromism no no but like as a as you believe in the strength of

[28:24] one's arm it's the only faith I have the only prayers that have been answered are

[28:31] the ones answered by these fists but uh like the it's really that religious

[28:36] faith is something that I have a lot of respect for it and then I think it's

[28:38] very beautiful but so it I like don't want to get I don't want to be at the

[28:42] point where I'm like look at these dumb religious people but like this movie's

[28:46] really dumb and it's not it takes the things that like the things that are

[28:50] valuable to the human spirit religion is really dumb no I'm saying that about

[28:54] religion but the real like that it takes the things that are that are most

[28:58] necessary and valuable about spiritual life and it's like look dude you can

[29:03] believe in Jesus all you want but if you're not buying a shit ton of presents

[29:06] and dressing up as Santa Claus and putting a tree up you might as well be

[29:10] a tourist you know like it's yeah I mean like well I'm a even the fact that I

[29:14] pronounce terrorist that way as if making fun of somebody from a different

[29:17] region I don't like that wasn't fair of me that wasn't fair to you Dan well I

[29:21] grew up on of the way you say it okay do you say it that way

[29:24] terrorist oh no you say it that way you say terrorist there's a certain slack

[29:29] jawness of Dan's pronunciation yeah yeah like a Cro-Magnon man sure don't know

[29:34] what I said that was weird but anyway I mean I grew up in the Christian faith

[29:39] and my father was a minister my grandfather's mr. minister my other

[29:43] grandfather was a minister my uncle was a minister I went to church every Sunday

[29:47] and I think this movie is the dumbest thing it is really good but also there's

[29:53] the fact that that so you think the movies over because Christians realize

[29:57] the error of his ways they take a snapshot of the whole family

[30:00] restraints as mary christmas in text

[30:02] movies over i'd be the end right no incorrect he's got a apologize to his

[30:06] wife

[30:06] and then have a dance party

[30:08] a hip-hop dance party like five straight minutes what is the credits are gonna

[30:12] roll during the movies are over movies are right

[30:15] no time to sit down for dinner so kurt cameron can talk to us about

[30:18] materialism

[30:19] movies over right

[30:21] time for the bloops we finally got some bloops at the end of a movie which did

[30:25] make me a little happy yeah

[30:27] they finally got some bloopers

[30:29] uh... lengthy blooper segment pads out the uh... the fatted goose of seventy

[30:35] nine minutes it's like they had to have so much filler to reach

[30:38] the barest minimum length for a feature film

[30:43] i mean this brings me to the the non car scene that i wanted to get at before

[30:48] which is like the the the line share of the bloopers are the scene between

[30:53] uh... like the one black guy in the movie

[30:55] andre this is the other guy by actor and producer of this movie whose name i

[31:01] don't remember and but this is only role

[31:03] and he fucking choose the shit out of that scene again yet he has a bohemian

[31:08] and like a guy who can looks like

[31:10] the christian david cross

[31:12] and david

[31:14] crucified on a cross

[31:16] i guess the christian david cross would just be called david

[31:18] anything david cross to change his name to david star david

[31:23] his name i never realized is the perfect melding of judaism and christianity

[31:27] david cross

[31:28] he's the he's the hinge point between

[31:31] the bible and the new testament but there's this one inexplicable scene

[31:36] early in the movie where we cut from the car and the stories that are being told

[31:41] at the one time that we leave the beautiful stories at the one time that we leave these two guys in the

[31:46] car a moment where we're like oh let's check back in on that awesome party yeah

[31:50] and it's uh... let's leave my awkward car sit with andre to go see these other guys

[31:55] these two guys

[31:56] uh... hiding their mouth with mugs so no one can see them no one can see what

[32:00] they're talking about and so that they can dub in the dialogue later

[32:04] they dub in this long

[32:05] uh... monologue about this conspiracy like this guy's like going through all

[32:09] these conspiracy theories and and like part of what he talks about in his

[32:13] conspiracy theories is the war on christmas

[32:15] so this movie takes like a weird like

[32:16] a surprising anti-war on christmas they choose this character to like

[32:22] he's

[32:22] he's clearly supposed to be like

[32:24] uh... it's a humor moment and you're not supposed to take him seriously

[32:28] but he talks about

[32:29] the war on christmas and there's fewer bees and there's chemtrails

[32:32] and the new world order i saw it on fox news yeah so they're putting fox news

[32:37] and the war on christmas on the same level as chemtrails

[32:39] so clearly the movie is like

[32:43] interestingly uh... ideologically mixed on a lot of things

[32:48] but at the same time there's no purpose to the scene like it doesn't make any sense

[32:51] fucking yucks dude

[32:53] yeah yeah fucking yucks yeah to get us fucking cracking up

[32:57] you know because you don't want people to only hear like super serious stories

[33:01] about santa being a badass true true they came here for jokes and

[33:04] entertainment they didn't come here just for a sermon boring some story about a

[33:08] tree that i totally forgot

[33:09] what's crazy is that when i saw the trailer for this movie a long time ago

[33:13] i thought it was going to be about

[33:15] kirk cameron

[33:17] coming out against the materialism of christmas and trying to re-imagine it

[33:20] we all assume that going into it like it's a natural assumption the moment when the movie pulls an

[33:24] audition level fucking switch and we're like this is not the movie we were

[33:29] expecting this is a movie where he's justifying materialism is crazy it's like

[33:34] this movie was conceived as a direct response to charlie brown christmas

[33:39] it's like no linus that is not what this is about

[33:43] this is about doing the things we tell you to do

[33:46] I would now I love now I wish I wish we had the DVD so we watch the deleted

[33:50] scenes for Kirk Cameron explains why eggnog is part of guys literally a part

[33:55] in the in the movie where kirk cameron goes now let's feast

[33:58] it's like you might as well be like gluttony gluttony for all

[34:04] but uh it's a it's a movie that I mean it was made to be shown in like church

[34:10] basements and stuff like that or like to have I assume Dan this is the kind of

[34:14] movie your fans pornography kind of in a way there's a lot of pornography to it

[34:18] like the the moment we're seeing in the minute in the middle between Jesus and

[34:23] Mary was crazy I mean that's his mom the I'm not into those but but showing a guy

[34:29] like her cameron convincing another smart guy with like his weird bullshit

[34:34] logic to like to go along by the way saying like that's the ultimate

[34:39] pornography for some folks the idea that you get interesting you've had a

[34:43] conversation and through your own fucking logic you convinced them like

[34:47] nothing gets his fucking boner exploding fast

[34:50] yeah the most easily convinced man in the world like that

[34:53] Kirk Cameron like tells him a story is like oh yeah I never thought of that

[34:58] I've been open if Kirk Cameron was like I gotta use the bathroom stay right here

[35:02] and left and then another guy got in and started telling the opposite he'd be

[35:05] like yeah you got a good point I have a harder time when I'm bartending of

[35:09] convincing Dan to have another drink this guy and for that all you have to go

[35:14] is dad and he goes we have one more y'all take it it's it's like I mean we

[35:20] went into this incorrectly thinking that it was a movie and when it's more yeah

[35:25] it's it's like experience you don't watch Kirk Cameron saving Christmas you

[35:34] live it I love I love when like Christian like you know like Christian

[35:39] is making like a valid character not Christian yes okay Christian is making a

[35:45] valid point about Christmas trees being a pagan tradition and who cares it like

[35:53] that's a valid point although who cares if they are like it's also a beautiful

[35:57] thing to do like I have a Christmas tree in my apartment right now looking at it

[36:01] right now as we record but Kirk Cameron's rationale score is like

[36:06] basically twofold he's like there were trees in the Garden of Eden and also

[36:12] trees are kind of like a cross and Jesus got crucified on a cross like this is

[36:17] the level of discourse that the movie exists on and there's something

[36:20] beautiful about that there's a lot of tree huh let me tell you all the times

[36:28] trees show up in the Bible it's like well should we have lepers at the party

[36:32] like I don't understand should there be plagues at the party like those are in

[36:36] the Bible too ugly Christmas sweaters almost reflect the pain the ascetics

[36:41] felt when wearing a hair shirt what would be uglier than a world without

[36:46] divine grace to look at that sweaters to be reminded what we owe to Jesus

[36:52] suffering eggnog eggs symbolize the egg that were not fertilized by man but by

[36:59] God and the nog of course well of course dog midichlorians it does feel like an

[37:09] entire movie of Qui-Gon explaining what midichlorians are but it's like I feel

[37:15] like as I always do when I see movies like this I feel like a piece of

[37:19] entertainment from an alternate reality that I'm not meant to witness slipped

[37:23] through by accident like I'm not the intent I know for me you guys totally

[37:28] are the intended audience but I'm not yeah I was laughing it up like a dog

[37:33] you guys saying more please I was like a dog laughing up its own sick like I'm

[37:38] not gonna stop I'll probably just barf it up and lick it up again but it's

[37:41] like I think about was like the number of grandkids who are gonna have to

[37:46] watch this movie while they're visiting their fam their grandparents on

[37:49] Christmas and like sorry folks but I mean we almost need to make a sequel so

[37:55] they can have a fucking story from Kirk Cameron explaining how this movie is

[37:59] part of the like how this movie is part of the Bible basically the Lord moves in

[38:05] mysterious ways much like movies said you will not always have me with you

[38:12] much as this movie will end and then you'll have to do something else yeah

[38:19] we've been through the entire movie we should wrap it up and give our final

[38:22] judge wrap it up like a Christmas present exactly like a Christmas present

[38:25] and say whether so I don't get one thanks Dan you get a Hanukkah present so

[38:31] something bad probably great presents here's here's a stereotype I'd like to

[38:36] knock down okay on an earlier episode I talked about the stereotype of the

[38:40] lonely guy masturbating because he's sad not true guys masturbate for any number

[38:44] of reasons and often you feel better afterwards pleasure sensation my in my

[38:53] experience sometimes just for shock value yeah I mean when you're in at a

[38:57] baseball game or at an opera sure but uh I've my Hanukkah presents growing up

[39:01] great presents you know why because you're trying to meet compete with

[39:06] Christmas you're welcome you're welcome I mean that is true I mean there's no

[39:09] reason to give gifts at Hanukkah otherwise it's mainly a gambling holiday

[39:13] what with the dreidel in the guilt and all and the lot cuz it's not this is a

[39:16] gift the last Christians have given to you thank competition thanks but uh it's

[39:23] I mean it isn't watching it's maybe this I'm a little harsher in my mind on

[39:27] this movie after it was so it as it was so forcefully explained to me on

[39:33] election night that I'm here by the good favor of other people in this country

[39:38] it's this real sorry for explaining that to you no I appreciate it still or you

[39:41] needed to because I was I was feeling a little too like ownership of the place

[39:45] much but uh that it's a moment while watching it there's this moment I was

[39:48] like hmm huh a lot of people who just don't see the universe the same way I

[39:53] do what are you gonna do all right so I give it a good great okay final

[39:57] judgments I actually think it's a it's a

[40:00] The judgments are good, bad, bad, bad, or movie kind of like.

[40:03] I'd actually call it a good, bad movie.

[40:04] It's pretty funny, and it's super short.

[40:07] If you skip the bloops, and if you end it before the hip-hop dance,

[40:11] this movie's easily, what, 50 minutes long?

[40:14] Wait a minute, are you, like, leaving because you already know which sports team won?

[40:17] And you're like, fuck, I'm out of here.

[40:18] You've got to beat the rush.

[40:19] Yeah, you're like, you already threw the ring at Mount Doom, time to get out of here.

[40:24] The reason that I miss the ending of every baseball game my family went to as a kid,

[40:28] because around the seventh inning, my dad will be like, well, this is over, let's go.

[40:32] I mean, the score is 3-2, is it still anybody's game?

[40:36] I don't want to have to wait in line in the parking lot, let's get out of here.

[40:39] And then we'd hear on the radio, on the car ride home, that our team won.

[40:43] And we'd be like, oh, it sounded like it was an exciting game, we just missed the end of it.

[40:46] Thanks, Pop.

[40:47] Yeah, but we got the free towel they were giving out.

[40:49] No, okay, thanks, Dad.

[40:51] Yeah, I have to agree.

[40:53] This, to me, was a good, bad movie.

[40:55] I had a blast watching this, actually.

[40:58] Although, what I liked was seeing Dan really enjoying it for a while,

[41:01] and then there was a moment where Dan was just like, what the fuck?

[41:05] Well, theologically, it's terrible.

[41:07] Around the materialism thing at the end, it just, like, snapped you in a way that I found entertaining.

[41:12] What do you think, Steve?

[41:13] I just don't think it's a movie.

[41:17] That's like, I don't know, like, if somebody showed me an episode of a TV show,

[41:22] and I'd have to judge it as a movie, and I don't think that's fair.

[41:27] Wait, that's, okay.

[41:28] Okay, fine, I guess it's a fucking awesome movie, it's super great.

[41:33] There's all these characters, like, four of them.

[41:35] So on the scale from Terminator 2 to Road Warrior, where would you put it?

[41:39] Uh, I guess it's closer to Terminator 2, because of the message.

[41:47] Budget, it's closer to Road Warrior, I guess.

[41:51] There's no Vernon Wells in it, but he might have been in the giant nutcracker.

[41:57] I'm gonna say good-bad movie.

[41:59] Okay.

[41:59] Hooray, three good-bads.

[42:01] It's a Christmas miracle.

[42:03] Oh, I was gonna say that.

[42:08] From the dawn of time, one podcast has unlocked the secrets of science and technology

[42:15] to enrich the lives of billions.

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[42:26] On Oh No, Ross and Kerry, we don't make extraordinary claims, we investigate them.

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[43:13] The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Mack Weldon.

[43:18] Mack Weldon, a clothier who believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

[43:27] And boy, is that shopping simple, friends.

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[43:41] what kind of undergarments do I want to slap on my bottom bits?

[43:44] Let me say something about Mack Weldon.

[43:46] I don't want you guys to have to think about what's covering my penis right now.

[43:49] But it's Mack Weldon underwear right now as I record this.

[43:52] And it is super comfortable.

[43:53] Wrapped around like a tourniquet?

[43:55] Nope.

[43:55] That would imply there's something wrong with my penis.

[43:57] And it clearly works.

[43:58] I have a son.

[43:59] He's mine, right?

[44:00] Oh, God.

[44:01] But the test said, don't think about it now.

[44:03] Don't think about it now.

[44:04] You're on the air.

[44:05] He's so blonde, Elliot.

[44:07] It's true.

[44:08] He is very blonde.

[44:09] He does, okay.

[44:10] He loves curly blonde locks.

[44:12] Doesn't look like me.

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:13] He's good at sports.

[44:15] Not true.

[44:15] He's actually a little uncoordinated.

[44:18] And he's interested mainly in monsters and Muppets right now.

[44:21] So if anything, very close to me.

[44:24] I think, yeah, and it's the most comfortable underwear.

[44:27] It's super comfortable.

[44:28] And you don't feel swampy at the end of the day.

[44:31] No.

[44:31] You got a swampy feeling?

[44:34] No.

[44:34] Say goodbye to it.

[44:35] And it looks great.

[44:35] Goodbye, swampy feeling, you say.

[44:37] Hey, you say, hey, swamp thing, get out of here, Alec Holland.

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[44:42] Hey, you'll go be part of the green, buddy.

[44:44] Mm-hmm.

[44:46] Here's the thing.

[44:46] Mack Weldon wants you to be comfortable.

[44:48] So if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep it, and they'll refund you.

[44:53] No questions asked.

[44:54] Which is a funny offer, though.

[44:55] That being said, it's like, don't like that underwear?

[44:58] Keep it.

[44:59] You got an effigy to make and want to put clothes in underpants for some reason?

[45:03] You can use these.

[45:04] Disposing of that underwear you don't like is your problem now.

[45:06] But you're gonna like it.

[45:07] Because it's really, I guess, tell them you don't like it so you can keep it.

[45:10] Because it's really good.

[45:11] You're gonna wear it all the time.

[45:12] Are you like Elliot and are offended?

[45:13] There's a statue of Captain America?

[45:15] Well, why don't you put some underpants on him and laugh at him?

[45:18] I mean, I'm not offended.

[45:19] I think it's weird to have a statue for a very militarized statue of a fictional character when...

[45:27] Take it somewhere else, Bill Maher.

[45:28] Let me just say, let's just pick a name out of my hat.

[45:31] That Elizabeth Roebling, who basically built the Brooklyn Bridge.

[45:35] There's no statue of her in Brooklyn, and there should be.

[45:38] I've been wanting to put a petition about that, but I don't know how to do it.

[45:41] Holding a giant shield and punching Hitler in the face.

[45:44] Oh, wow.

[45:45] That's a really complicated statue.

[45:46] Go on, Dan.

[45:47] It's more of a tableau.

[45:49] Mac Whelan's underwear, socks, shirts, all their stuff looks good,

[45:54] but also performs well in all sorts of environments.

[45:57] Working out, going to work, going on dates, just doing whatever, man.

[46:02] All the Star Wars environments.

[46:03] Desert planet, cold planet, forest planet, fountain planet.

[46:06] Cantina planet.

[46:07] Well, Cantina's on the desert planet.

[46:08] Yeah, if you're going to have to deny Death Sticks from Elan Sleazebagano.

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[46:25] It's easy to remember because it's what the thing inside the Mac Whelan underpants

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[46:31] Oh, boy.

[46:31] Just flopping around.

[46:33] I highly recommend them.

[46:34] Uh, the podcast tonight is also sponsored by Zip Recruiter.

[46:39] Are you hiring?

[46:41] Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

[46:45] Well, look, posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates.

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[46:51] Why would you think that you're going to get the best candidates

[46:53] just by putting it in one place where, you know, people aren't going to see that?

[46:56] What if the place is bestcandidates.com?

[46:59] That place is playing you for a fool, Elliot.

[47:02] Okay.

[47:03] Now, what if the place is on the bottom of a homeless man's shoe?

[47:07] Uh, then you really are depending on the luck of the universe

[47:11] to provide you with the finest candidates.

[47:14] What if I believe that serendipity is when fate has a sense of humor?

[47:17] Then you...

[47:18] Are you writing fucking movie posters?

[47:21] I mean, plagiarizing them, yes.

[47:22] That movie made me angry, by the way.

[47:25] Oh, so explain.

[47:26] When they get back to Zip Recruiter, explain how a movie based on a dessert restaurant

[47:32] got you angry.

[47:33] John Cusack and who's it, Kate Beckinsale?

[47:35] The saliest, yeah.

[47:36] The Beckinsaliest.

[47:37] They, uh, have a great, uh, date together.

[47:40] They think that they're in love.

[47:42] And they, uh, Kate Beckinsale, I believe, writes her name in a book.

[47:46] A copy of a book.

[47:47] Says if it's meant to be, you'll find this again.

[47:50] That is bullshit.

[47:53] Congo by Michael Craig.

[47:55] So he's like, but I don't want that book to come back to me.

[47:58] Boy, it's got a talking gorilla named Amy.

[48:01] Yeah, that's pretty rad.

[48:02] I mean, the most...

[48:03] Bad, bad gorilla.

[48:04] The most...

[48:05] Bad gorilla.

[48:06] Amy.

[48:06] Barely.

[48:07] Nose hair, man.

[48:09] Barely a talking gorilla.

[48:10] She has some kind of vocoder strapped to her sign language arm.

[48:15] If that's talking, well then, I don't want to talk.

[48:18] If that's the future, send me back to Bedrock.

[48:22] Sorry, Bad Rock.

[48:24] So Dan, continue.

[48:25] Tell us about Zip Recruiter.

[48:26] Can you tell us about Zip Recruiter?

[48:28] So where should we recruit from?

[48:29] So Dan is hiring, what, uh, somebody to be your footman or a maid or something?

[48:34] A valet?

[48:35] Yeah, Batman?

[48:37] Yeah, Batman.

[48:39] I want a personal Batman.

[48:41] My own personal Batman.

[48:42] Like the song.

[48:44] Your own personal Batman.

[48:48] This is gonna go so long.

[48:49] So anyway, Zip Recruiter.

[48:51] If you want to find the perfect hire, you need to post your job on all of the top sites.

[48:56] And now you can, because with ZipRecruiter.com, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites,

[49:01] including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter, all with a single click.

[49:07] What?

[49:08] That's right.

[49:09] Find out today why Zip Recruiter has been used by over 1 million businesses.

[49:13] Right now, our listeners can post jobs on Zip Recruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com

[49:21] first.

[49:22] That's ZipRecruiter.com first.

[49:24] One more time, to try for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com first.

[49:30] And recruit.

[49:34] Dan, I believe we have a Jumbotron message.

[49:36] We do have a Jumbotron message this week.

[49:38] We also have a Jumbotron message.

[49:41] If you'd like to get a message on Jumbotron, go to maxfund.org forward slash Jumbotron.

[49:49] Maxfund.org forward slash Jumbotron.

[49:52] And this message is for Mark, and it's from Nettie.

[49:56] And the message is, I am missing you so much.

[50:00] Resorted to wasting my time with the Flop House,

[50:02] parenthesis, purported gentlemen.

[50:04] These guys are my only support system right now.

[50:07] Can you see how desperate I've become?

[50:08] Oh well, thanks for the diversion, Flop Buddies.

[50:11] Mark, go give Nettie some company or something.

[50:14] Yeah, yeah.

[50:15] Nettie shouldn't have to settle for us.

[50:18] Nettie doesn't, yeah, she shouldn't have

[50:20] to be using us as go-betweens.

[50:22] Is this like a frequency situation

[50:24] where Mark is in the past and she's in the future,

[50:27] or like the Lake House?

[50:30] Or frequency, yeah, I mean, Stewart's version worked, yeah.

[50:33] Don't know why you need to try to top him

[50:34] with a different one.

[50:36] You put this podcast in the mailbox

[50:38] and it goes back in time.

[50:39] Here's what you do.

[50:40] You put this podcast in Doc Brown's pocket,

[50:42] then he delivers it 30 years from now,

[50:45] thanking you for saving him from the Libyans or whatever.

[50:48] But then he drops the podcast on the ground

[50:50] and Biff picks it up.

[50:52] Oh no, now he knows what movie we're gonna talk about

[50:55] in the future and he can bet on it.

[50:57] Hey Dan, can I plug something while we're at it?

[50:58] Sure.

[50:59] I'd like to plug my other podcast,

[51:01] or rather series, it's called.

[51:04] It's called Presidents Are People Too,

[51:05] and in it, me and my co-host Alexis Coe

[51:07] talk about all the presidents.

[51:10] It's available through iTunes now,

[51:12] or you can go to Audible and Audible Originals.

[51:15] If you're an Amazon Prime member, you can get that way too.

[51:17] And listen to even more episodes.

[51:19] If you're an Audible member, you get all the episodes.

[51:21] iTunes takes a little bit longer.

[51:23] There's a little bit of a delay

[51:24] before the iTunes listeners get it.

[51:26] But new episodes are posted all the time.

[51:28] We've got a bunch of good episodes.

[51:29] Maybe start out with our Teddy Roosevelt,

[51:32] or perhaps you could try our Richard Nixon,

[51:35] or John F. Kennedy, or hey, you know what?

[51:38] Go with like John Quincy Adams.

[51:40] Maybe something you don't know so much about.

[51:42] That's because every president

[51:43] gets their own individual episode,

[51:45] and we're gonna do all 45 of them.

[51:49] There are a couple of other short announcements

[51:52] that we should make.

[51:54] Martin Short is here.

[51:57] That's a short announcement.

[51:59] I just wanted to say that.

[52:01] I'm glad you didn't do a Martin Short impression.

[52:02] The Flophouse.

[52:03] Oh, announcement number two,

[52:04] Martin Short has been shot, I'm so sorry.

[52:07] The Flophouse Facebook group,

[52:09] their charity drive, not grive.

[52:12] There's no such thing as a charity grive.

[52:14] Maybe, hey, make it new.

[52:15] It's your thing now, boo.

[52:19] I'm straight trippin', boo.

[52:22] Your tongue is.

[52:23] Oh.

[52:25] The Flophouse Facebook.

[52:27] You're on fire tonight, dude.

[52:28] The Flophouse Facebook has organized

[52:30] a charity drive for Plant Parenthood.

[52:32] We mentioned it before.

[52:34] Plant Parenthood.

[52:35] If you want to donate.

[52:36] That's for the plant nurseries.

[52:38] You can go.

[52:39] We've got a link up on the site.

[52:43] But we also want to mention

[52:46] that we will be doing another live show.

[52:49] Our live show.

[52:51] Energy, Dan, enthusiasm.

[52:53] We're doing a show at the Alamo Draft House,

[52:56] the new Alamo Draft House in Brooklyn, New York.

[52:58] It just opened.

[52:59] Beautiful theater, it's great.

[53:01] The movie I'm recommending tonight, I saw there.

[53:03] We're gonna be doing a riff show

[53:06] where we're going to be making jokes over the movie.

[53:09] Classic bad movie.

[53:13] What, The Boy Next Door?

[53:14] The Boy Next Door.

[53:15] The Boy Next Door starring J. Lo and.

[53:17] Some fella.

[53:18] Some abs delivery system.

[53:21] If you haven't seen this movie,

[53:22] it is hilarious and it goes crazy.

[53:25] Unfortunately, three yahoos are gonna be

[53:28] talking over it the whole time.

[53:29] Their names, Dan, Stuart, and Elliot.

[53:31] Tickets are gonna go on sale.

[53:33] On Monday.

[53:34] Yeah, the Monday after this episode comes out.

[53:37] And come join us.

[53:38] It's a pretty small.

[53:38] Monday the 12th of December.

[53:40] I think we're gonna be living room,

[53:41] but it's gonna be fun.

[53:42] I mean, it's not as big as a stadium.

[53:45] The show is on January the 14th.

[53:47] That's a Saturday.

[53:48] That's a Saturday, so if you did not get tickets

[53:50] to our Bell House show on the 21st,

[53:52] which is sold out, never fear.

[53:55] There's another show at the Alamo,

[53:57] a different type of show, a movie riffing show

[54:00] on January the 14th at the Alamo Draft House, Brooklyn.

[54:04] And guys, my riffing chops are pretty tight now

[54:09] after my mystery science theater work.

[54:11] Oh, because you worked for a show?

[54:14] A television show, yeah.

[54:15] Okay.

[54:16] The show that invented movie riffing.

[54:18] And I'm saying that as if I had anything to do with that,

[54:21] even though I was a child when it started.

[54:23] I'm also going to plug something real quick.

[54:26] This toaster into the wall.

[54:30] I'm really dadding it up tonight.

[54:33] Another curveball at me, I swung at it.

[54:38] So the Max Fun New York group is throwing a holiday party,

[54:43] their Candle Nights party at my bar, Hinterlands.

[54:48] In Brooklyn.

[54:48] In Brooklyn on December 17th, it's a Saturday night.

[54:54] So if you want to come down, I know I'm going to be there.

[54:56] I know before the party, I think the party starts at eight,

[54:59] there's going to be a holiday cookie exchange beforehand.

[55:02] Weird.

[55:03] And I think there's going to be a Yankee swap

[55:06] and my wife and I are organizing a silent auction

[55:09] with all the proceeds going to charity.

[55:12] Oh, very nice.

[55:13] So it should be fun.

[55:14] Come on down to Hinterlands, December 17th.

[55:16] If you haven't been to Hinterlands,

[55:18] you don't even have to wait for December 17th.

[55:20] Just go on down, it's a great bar.

[55:21] Speaking of Candle Nights, which is a my brother,

[55:24] my brother and me thing.

[55:25] No, it's called Hanukkah.

[55:27] I just want to say, Jordan, Jesse Goh.

[55:32] Jesse said some very nice things about us

[55:34] in the last Jordan, Jesse Goh, about how our show.

[55:40] Our show has helped him through some tough times

[55:42] as he has been unhappy about the post-election world.

[55:49] And I just wanted to say in reciprocation,

[55:52] the same goes for his show

[55:53] and also my brother, my brother and me.

[55:55] So Jordan, Jesse Goh and my brother, my brother and me,

[55:57] great shows that have helped me cheer up

[55:59] and just two of the shows on the Maximum Fun Network,

[56:01] which happens to be our network.

[56:04] Which has a lot of great shows.

[56:05] A lot of great shows.

[56:06] So.

[56:07] Including the Adventure Zone

[56:08] that I was recently a guest on.

[56:10] That's true.

[56:11] And Judge John Hodgman,

[56:11] who I was a guest on a while back.

[56:13] Synergy.

[56:17] It's turned into like a Tim and Eric bit.

[56:20] All sorts of digital effects were going on with Dan's face

[56:23] that you couldn't see just then.

[56:25] But now that we're done with all of that stuff,

[56:28] we should move along.

[56:29] That was a lot of plugs.

[56:30] A lot of plugs.

[56:31] But I thought they were good plugs.

[56:32] We plugged good stuff.

[56:32] Yeah, we're like a couple of circuitry mans.

[56:38] Circuitry's men.

[56:40] Vernon Wells is getting a lot of air time

[56:41] on this podcast.

[56:42] He should be paying us.

[56:44] Stuart, did you know,

[56:45] I don't know if you still can,

[56:46] there was a period when he was part of a stable of actors

[56:49] where you could pay him

[56:50] to talk on the phone with him for a half hour.

[56:51] That's fucking awesome.

[56:52] Or you could buy a call from Vernon Wells to somebody.

[56:56] I would totally do that.

[56:57] I'll look up the information.

[56:58] I'm gonna see.

[56:59] For a few years now,

[57:00] I've been considering doing that for your birthday.

[57:03] My God, that would be incredible.

[57:03] And been like,

[57:04] is this something Stuart would really like?

[57:06] Or I don't know.

[57:07] Oh man, that'd be awesome.

[57:09] Because I remember the rates being very reasonable.

[57:14] Now that you mention it,

[57:15] he's gonna blow up and his rates are gonna jump.

[57:17] Vernon Wells' time,

[57:18] less valuable than you'd think.

[57:21] That's not true.

[57:22] Continue, Dan.

[57:22] We should move along to our next segment.

[57:24] Moving right along,

[57:25] ning-a-ning, ning-a-ning,

[57:26] to the next segment now.

[57:28] The next segment.

[57:29] It's the letters segment.

[57:30] With letters from you.

[57:33] All right, thank you.

[57:35] So before we get into the letters proper,

[57:38] we should,

[57:40] all right, I'll sing a fuller song.

[57:41] Letters, we got the letters for us.

[57:44] Okay.

[57:45] We have these gifts,

[57:46] these nice holiday gifts

[57:51] from Jason, last name withheld,

[57:52] which I feel like we should open now.

[57:55] So opening things on air,

[57:57] as always, is gonna go great.

[57:58] You can hear the paper.

[58:00] Foley, Foley.

[58:01] Look at these presents.

[58:02] If held up against that tree,

[58:04] it would look like a modern Judea.

[58:06] It would look like some kind of futuristic city.

[58:08] Oh man, this is great.

[58:11] I love it.

[58:13] Whoa.

[58:16] So what I have here is I've got a Blu-ray,

[58:19] special edition, criterion collection edition

[58:21] of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.

[58:25] Written by Roger Ebert.

[58:26] Yeah.

[58:27] I have got, oh, what were you saying?

[58:29] No, a fine film.

[58:30] I'm very excited.

[58:31] I have a Blu-ray of The Sun Shines Bright,

[58:33] which is a John Ford movie

[58:35] that I have not seen.

[58:37] Which it mentions on the back

[58:38] is a remake of Judge Priest,

[58:40] which I have seen,

[58:41] but I'm not familiar with this one at all.

[58:42] So I'm curious to see it.

[58:44] Thank you.

[58:44] Is Judge Priest in Megacity 1 or Megacity 3?

[58:48] No.

[58:49] And I have a Blu-ray copy of John Carpenter's Elvis.

[58:54] A John Carpenter movie I've never seen.

[58:56] Holy crap, that's amazing.

[58:57] Yeah.

[58:58] Where Kurt Russell plays Elvis.

[58:59] This is awesome.

[59:00] The movie he met Kurt Russell on, right?

[59:02] As I said, I don't know.

[59:03] So we're gonna find out.

[59:05] These are really great picks, I think.

[59:08] Thank you, Jason.

[59:09] These are fantastic, yeah.

[59:10] Thank you, Jason.

[59:10] You know us.

[59:11] It would be funny if John Carpenter decided

[59:13] to do the score for the Elvis movie, too.

[59:15] And so Elvis is just performing like songs

[59:17] from the Big Trouble in Little China soundtrack.

[59:22] Hey, who's that guy over there?

[59:23] Okay, play us a song.

[59:25] Big trouble in little China.

[59:29] But moving into the-

[59:31] Thank you, Jason, everyone.

[59:32] Yeah, thank you very much.

[59:34] Moving into the letters.

[59:37] Now it's time for the real letters gifts on the side.

[59:41] Thanks for those gifts.

[59:42] And now here we're giving a gift to you

[59:45] in the form of reading letters.

[59:48] Thanks.

[59:49] I still have it tonight.

[59:50] That's right.

[59:50] I mean, no, we've had a number of songs.

[59:53] They've just been very short.

[59:54] Yeah, short and sweet.

[59:55] Like an analgesic.

[1:00:00] Is that a band? Yeah, duh! Oh yeah, I forgot they're the number one band in the country.

[1:00:06] Don't you watch TRL? Uh, so this is uh, just imagining that band being on TRL.

[1:00:17] This is from name withheld because I didn't even put the first name on here.

[1:00:23] Professional. Super profesh. Somebody's been on ZipRecruiter.

[1:00:30] Hey Floptarts. I was recently thinking about the zombie film 28 Days Later,

[1:00:34] which I perceived to have a radical shift in tone halfway through.

[1:00:38] You mean a radical shift in tone? When he's throwing all those zombies and starts skateboarding.

[1:00:42] That's when Sandra Bullock turns into a zombie.

[1:00:46] Waka waka waka. Ayo! 28 Days joke.

[1:00:50] A radical shift halfway through. Waka waka.

[1:00:53] At first it seemed like a moody and thoughtful post-apocalyptic story with grounded characters

[1:00:58] before turning into a pulpy, over-the-top gore fest when the military shows up.

[1:01:03] I kind of feel the tonal shift was supposed to complement the narrative twist,

[1:01:07] but it just spoiled the movie for me, like if there was a fart joke in Citizen Kane,

[1:01:11] but the fart joke is the entire second half.

[1:01:13] I will mention that there is a fart joke in The Great Gatsby.

[1:01:16] Can you think of any movies with wildly inconsistent tones,

[1:01:19] or huge shifts in tone that actually benefit from the inconsistency?

[1:01:24] You're all the best, especially Elliot.

[1:01:27] Oh, thank you. Well, Stuart mentioned...

[1:01:29] He misspells your name, so...

[1:01:30] You're dead to me. Stuart mentioned Audition earlier in the episode.

[1:01:34] Yeah, Audition is the gold standard for a tone shift movie.

[1:01:36] For extreme tone shifts that pay off really well.

[1:01:39] I'm a big fan of something wild that starts off like a screwball sex comedy and then turns into

[1:01:47] a tense thriller when Ray Liotta comes in as a crazy ex-boyfriend.

[1:01:52] Not quite as radically, like The Apartment is similar,

[1:01:55] in that it seems to start out as kind of like a goofy sex farce,

[1:01:59] but becomes a story about attempted suicide and real heartbreak,

[1:02:04] and what it means to be a human being.

[1:02:07] That one's less abrupt in terms of the overt tone,

[1:02:10] but in terms of subject matter, it's a real shift.

[1:02:12] Then there are really overt movies with a shift from dusk till dawn.

[1:02:16] I was going to just say that.

[1:02:17] Well, but that's not so much a tone shift,

[1:02:21] it's like two movies got smashed together.

[1:02:24] I love the shift from dusk till dawn, but I remember watching that movie in the theater,

[1:02:30] and when the vampire showed up, my friend leaned over to me and goes,

[1:02:34] I think this film just took a turn for the stupider.

[1:02:37] Except all the commercials for the movie made it clear that it was a vampire movie.

[1:02:42] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:02:43] Yeah, but it also gets way wackier.

[1:02:46] That's true, it does get sillier.

[1:02:48] I mean, Tom Savini has a penis gun in that movie.

[1:02:51] Yeah, but that's before the vampires get there.

[1:02:54] Okay, I guess you're right.

[1:02:56] Gremlins 2 is kind of similar in that it starts out as kind of like a silly horror movie.

[1:03:00] Not horror movie, it starts as a silly monster movie,

[1:03:02] and then becomes literally a live action cartoon.

[1:03:07] It pushes the silliness so far.

[1:03:09] I remember when I was a kid, that was like a bridge too far.

[1:03:14] I love Gremlins 2 now, but when I was a kid, I was like, I wanted a scary movie.

[1:03:20] And then it got so silly at the end.

[1:03:22] I loved it so much.

[1:03:23] That was like heaven for me.

[1:03:25] Dude, I went apeshit for Gremlins 2.

[1:03:28] I had all the collectible cards and I kept them in a fucking sleeved binder in order.

[1:03:34] Who was your favorite Gremlin in Gremlins 2, Dan?

[1:03:37] I liked the spider gremlin.

[1:03:40] Really?

[1:03:40] Not the crazy gremlin who pretends to be a dentist?

[1:03:42] He's awesome.

[1:03:43] He's great.

[1:03:45] And by the way, that's exactly Elliot's favorite Gremlin.

[1:03:48] Oh yeah, always.

[1:03:50] Either that or the electric gremlin that kills all the other Gremlins.

[1:03:53] Just like how my favorite weasel in Roger Rabbit is the crazy one in a straight jacket

[1:03:58] who just carries a straight razor in his hands?

[1:04:01] Yes, he's great.

[1:04:02] I'm kind of shocked that Dan's favorite Gremlin isn't the most obvious one, the lady Gremlin.

[1:04:07] Yeah, actually you're right, because I'm sure there were plenty of lonely nights,

[1:04:10] which Dan was solaced by thoughts of being Robert Picardo at the end, that lady Gremlin.

[1:04:16] When I was a kid, I was like, that's the stupidest thing.

[1:04:20] Girls are gross.

[1:04:22] They got a Gremlin with cooties?

[1:04:25] Wow.

[1:04:26] It's a little Dice Man show?

[1:04:28] Dice Man watching Gremlins 2.

[1:04:33] Hickory dickory dock.

[1:04:36] The tone shift of this movie is oh!

[1:04:39] I'm trying to think, there are movies that are slipping my mind right now where there's

[1:04:45] an abrupt shift that works out real well, either from comedy to drama.

[1:04:49] It's rarer to go from drama to comedy, but for a movie that starts out silly and becomes

[1:04:54] very serious, I feel like that happens and pays off quite a bit.

[1:05:00] I tend to like a tone shift movie.

[1:05:02] I don't know, I find that any movie that's brave enough to do that usually is pretty confident.

[1:05:07] Also, to be often, the older I get, the faster I get bored with movies in a way.

[1:05:13] If a movie shows me something different at a certain point, I'm like, okay, great.

[1:05:17] It's like I'm watching another movie already.

[1:05:19] Yeah, you become desensitized to the thing that you love.

[1:05:23] I don't know how to exactly put it that way, but maybe.

[1:05:25] You have to find new and crazier delights to stimulate yourself.

[1:05:30] Eventually, you'll travel to the Far East and find this magical puzzle box.

[1:05:34] No, don't finish it.

[1:05:35] Don't complete it.

[1:05:36] What's it called?

[1:05:37] The what's-it-called sequence?

[1:05:38] I wasn't going to finish the joke for fear that Pinhead and his buddies would show up.

[1:05:43] But that's kind of what happens with bad movies, with people watch a lot of bad movies, is that

[1:05:48] they have to watch crazier and kind of grosser bad movies to get that same thrill of like,

[1:05:54] oh, what?

[1:05:55] And that's when I found myself reading like zines or websites about crazy movies,

[1:06:00] where at a certain point, it's like, you know what?

[1:06:04] I've learned more about this Italian hardcore zombie horror film from the 70s than I want to.

[1:06:10] I'm not going to watch this.

[1:06:11] I think I'll just learn about something else now.

[1:06:14] Yeah, when you become like a searcher of extremity,

[1:06:18] you begin to, I think everybody reaches a point where you realize that extremity for

[1:06:24] extremity's sake is not really worth it, and that you want more nuance.

[1:06:28] Yeah, and if there's not...

[1:06:29] You want subtlety to your brutality.

[1:06:31] If there's not a metal band the day after this is released called Searcher of Extremity,

[1:06:36] very disappointed.

[1:06:37] Yeah, they're going to be opening for Vagenda of Manocide.

[1:06:44] This next letter is from Peter, last name withheld.

[1:06:48] Pumpkin Eater.

[1:06:50] He says, I just had an Elliott sighting in Park Slope tonight.

[1:06:54] It was super exciting.

[1:06:56] Stay away from my family.

[1:06:57] It's a real Man Bites Dog moment.

[1:07:03] My friends and I were in a chocolate bar hanging out, talking shit.

[1:07:09] Wait, oh, that is the chocolate.

[1:07:11] They're in like a giant chocolate bar?

[1:07:14] That's right.

[1:07:16] They're inside a Snickers.

[1:07:17] It's like the poster for sack lunch from Seinfeld.

[1:07:21] How'd they get in that bag?

[1:07:22] I mean, is it a really big bag?

[1:07:25] I love that she can't even conceive of the idea that it's a metaphor.

[1:07:35] It must be a literal representation of what happens in the movie Sack Lunch.

[1:07:40] Oh, they had the best fake movies on that, Sack Lunch and Chunnel and Death Blow.

[1:07:47] So to continue, my friends and I were in a chocolate bar hanging out,

[1:07:51] talking shit after an outstanding meal at Bear Burger.

[1:07:55] Went in, walked Elliot at Coco Bar and walked Elliot with his friends.

[1:07:58] Just hanging out, talking shit.

[1:08:00] I pulled out my phone and showed my friends.

[1:08:02] Hey, one of those dudes is on this podcast.

[1:08:05] I ultimately left without saying anything to Elliot,

[1:08:09] much like the time I saw John Mulaney carrying laundry detergent outside Bigelow's on 6th Avenue.

[1:08:14] Because really, what is there to say?

[1:08:16] I mean, that's a much better celebrity sighting than me.

[1:08:19] Have you guys ever not said something to a famous person?

[1:08:25] Also, who else should I put on my star map in Park Slope?

[1:08:29] I've obviously seen Maggie Gyllenhaal at Gorilla Coffee and Peter Sarsgaard at Bark Hot Dogs.

[1:08:34] Well, Bark has since closed, but...

[1:08:36] I mean, you could have seen it when Bark was open.

[1:08:38] I know, I'm just saying, don't go to Bark Hot Dogs expecting to see Peter Sarsgaard

[1:08:42] because he's not going to be there anymore because he doesn't exist anymore.

[1:08:44] He doesn't have to fucking go to Hogwarts and get a time turner.

[1:08:47] I know that Vince from Entourage is a co-op member.

[1:08:51] Oh, I didn't know that.

[1:08:51] Might I see John Hodgman at Key Food one day?

[1:08:54] No, he'll see him at Union Market.

[1:08:55] Sincerely yours in floppitude, Peter, last name.

[1:08:58] You know, just look for the killer cab.

[1:09:03] I mean, there's a lot of...

[1:09:04] So who have you seen and not talked to?

[1:09:06] Well, Steve Buscemi...

[1:09:07] And who also do you see in Park Slope?

[1:09:08] In Park Slope, Steve Buscemi.

[1:09:09] I walked by him on the street and he seemed...

[1:09:12] It was very clear he was not interested...

[1:09:14] He just had stuff to do and he was not interested in talking to anyone who recognized him.

[1:09:18] So I was just like, okay, I don't recognize you.

[1:09:20] John Turturro I've seen a number of times talking to himself,

[1:09:23] walking into traffic, just whistling loudly.

[1:09:28] I was walking through Park Slope and it was a Saturday afternoon

[1:09:31] and I was with some people and we walked past Sir Patrick Stewart.

[1:09:36] Oh, yeah, because he lives in the neighborhood.

[1:09:38] No.

[1:09:38] And he was wearing like a newsboy cap.

[1:09:40] His wife, Martha Stewart.

[1:09:41] And I looked at him, did a double take.

[1:09:45] I probably did like an...

[1:09:48] Your eyes turned into enterprises and then back again.

[1:09:51] So I did a double take and made eye contact with him

[1:09:54] and he kind of lowered his head and like touched his cap and I didn't say anything.

[1:10:00] I'm sure he saw me and was like that's the exact kind of motherfucker. That's gonna blow up my spot

[1:10:06] Yeah, make it so anyway. I'll get it going. I was at that bar the Bull Moose or something like that

[1:10:12] Do you know what I'm talking about the ones in your time your time square?

[1:10:15] Yeah, the old the bar we used to go to after after me shows. Yeah

[1:10:19] And I saw Peter Dinklage there with a woman who had a very significant whale tail on her thong

[1:10:25] So what were you more excited about?

[1:10:28] What caught your eye first

[1:10:30] Was it seeing the star of a show that is famous and is also?

[1:10:35] You know easy to pick out in the crowd. Let's just say or was it seeing was it seeing Peter Dinklage?

[1:10:42] Her visible underpants

[1:10:44] You know six of one

[1:10:48] So I saw

[1:10:49] Peter Dinklage that one and I also was walking down the street once and I saw Bob Costas and he gave me a look

[1:10:54] Yeah, I'm Bob Costas smoke make a big deal out of it and I was like who the fuck cares

[1:11:00] Like boy, you're barking up the wrong tree Bob. I don't care about sports. Stop dying your hair old man

[1:11:06] Exactly the you fucking showed him but there have been a lot of times where there are celebrities

[1:11:11] I wish I had said something to

[1:11:13] Like get the fuck out of my way

[1:11:14] No that I wish I had I'd introduced myself to but I was too nervous to at the Writers Guild Awards last year Frank

[1:11:20] Conniff was there and I was just nervous to introduce myself to him because I didn't know how to approach him

[1:11:25] Yeah, if we're talking about celebrity regrets

[1:11:28] When we were at the Emmys the last time for John

[1:11:33] winning for John show

[1:11:36] Was it it wasn't that time I think it was the time before that actually

[1:11:40] Tatiana Maslany was there and I would have dearly loved to like gone up to there was there was a time when I was we

[1:11:46] Here we had won and we were I was walking into the governor's ball and Bob Odenkirk was like right in front of me and

[1:11:52] I was like and I wanted to introduce myself to him so badly come such I've been a fan of his you know for 20

[1:11:57] years more than that, but it's I was like, I

[1:12:01] Can't do it. And it was like if ever there was like you're like a bit from the Ben Stiller show

[1:12:07] Do one of you 60-second conspiracy theories, but like do the electric car one

[1:12:11] But uh it like I had an Emmy in my hand and I felt like I did not have the confidence to

[1:12:17] Introduce deal like introduce myself to him. He has a fan like a terrible

[1:12:22] But in Park Slope, I have a few again too few to me

[1:12:27] but uh

[1:12:28] Park Slopes full celebrities come on down with a people site you shake the buildings and they all come tumbling out. Yep

[1:12:36] Especially if there's TV Sammy or John Turow

[1:12:39] so

[1:12:40] This next one is from Nick last name withheld cliche

[1:12:47] He says after finally delving through every episode in the flophouse archives

[1:12:52] I set out to find another bad movie podcast to listen to in between episodes

[1:12:57] in an act of what can only be described as

[1:13:00] Brand loyalty. I decided to forego the obvious

[1:13:03] How did this get made and instead settled on the worst idea of all time podcast if you aren't familiar?

[1:13:09] it's the podcast where two New Zealand comedians get together and watch the same bad movie once a week for a year and

[1:13:15] document their descent into madness

[1:13:17] Assuming this in some way doesn't violate sounds fucking brutal man

[1:13:21] podcasting once a week

[1:13:24] Assuming this

[1:13:36] Assuming this in some way doesn't violate the Eighth Amendment

[1:13:39] Which they apparently don't have in New Zealand what previously flopped movie would you three watch every week for a year?

[1:13:46] Nick last name withheld PS. I gently caressed the doorknob in a firm yet sensual manner

[1:13:53] Did I win radio Zork?

[1:13:57] Can't do a Trojan horse radio Zork

[1:14:00] Maneuver that doesn't work. Nope. Shut it down Dan

[1:14:04] Shut it all completely down. I

[1:14:07] Mean, I think the answer is pretty clear guys. It's Bratz the movie

[1:14:13] You're right. It is Brett. I think that's also the movie. We've watched the most times other tango and gang work

[1:14:20] Yeah, I mean Oh tango and cash. That's a good. I don't say that

[1:14:25] But we watch that knowing that we love it. Yeah

[1:14:28] I feel like that would be that would be like a tax loophole in this thing to be like, hey

[1:14:33] Technically, it's legal. Yeah, but you're not supposed to do it that way. Whatever

[1:14:37] Mm-hmm, but I would say maybe

[1:14:39] No deposit. Oh

[1:14:42] Right. I could watch that one. I know who killed me. It was pretty fun. Actually. Yeah, I know who killed me

[1:14:47] It was pretty fun, too. And that brings back good memories of the first time Elliot was on the show

[1:14:52] Yeah, it's a special movie in my heart for that reason. What movie has the most butts? Fifty Shades of Grey?

[1:14:58] Yeah, probably has like a butt in it

[1:15:03] Times the same but multiple times it doesn't that count as extra butts

[1:15:08] You count butts your way. I'll count of mine with this butt census is never gonna get off the ground

[1:15:14] I think I I think you're right though. I think you got it in one. I think Bratz Bratz and Bratz, you know

[1:15:20] it has a certain is what a view that I

[1:15:24] Enjoy, I find myself thinking about the songs from that movie more often than I'd like to they're not particularly good songs

[1:15:31] They're very catchy

[1:15:32] Do you ever do you ever have nightmares that your wife is gonna come home and catch you and Sammy watching the Bratz movie?

[1:15:38] And Sammy's like singing along to the songs and everything

[1:15:44] Nightmares that your wife's a brat

[1:15:47] Then I just turn over in bed and she's got huge distorted eyes and like

[1:15:53] Almost no, but like it's like stick thin. That's that would be horrifying

[1:15:59] But uh, it's right now my son's new thing now is the songs from frozen. Uh-huh

[1:16:03] So, I mean the Bratz songs are not that far out of the general ballpark in terms of quality

[1:16:09] There's a real difference, but I could see it happening and you know what I'd support him every step of the way

[1:16:14] Because he's got an attention span of about three weeks and then it'd be on to something else. Uh-huh

[1:16:20] The last letter of the evening is from Christopher last name withheld cross

[1:16:26] Who's he says?

[1:16:30] It's titled movie idea for Stewart

[1:16:40] I mean, that's more Michael McDowell, but that's

[1:16:44] OMG Stu

[1:16:46] Dude, yep a movie where a regular dude falls in love with the cartoon hottie like a regular Jessica rabbit hottie

[1:16:52] Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah humans and cartoons exist together. Yeah, and they have a baby and the baby is CGI

[1:16:58] Okay

[1:16:58] Also, they have to stop a real estate developer from steamrolling a cartoon estate developer

[1:17:03] Most because cartoon housing is cheaper and you can't charge as much for it

[1:17:06] That's pretty much all I got cheaper and you can't charge as much for it or pretty much the same thing

[1:17:11] Oh and expect a lot of cartoon nudity Christopher last name withheld. Sounds great, dude

[1:17:15] Wait, so Stewart in this movie, I don't or he's just watching this movie

[1:17:21] The most narrow of narrow casting now

[1:17:23] Have you ever seen the show shark tank because that's just what you witnessed here today boys. I am a shark style investor sitting on my plinth

[1:17:31] on my deus

[1:17:33] Judging all those before me and what he just did is he did a what they call in the business an elevator pitch

[1:17:39] Right guys, that's what they call it. And I what business I don't know movie making

[1:17:46] Like a lot of imagine a shark tank where well Ralph Bakshi is one of the investors

[1:17:51] There's like so this is a product that uh, it keeps food fresh

[1:17:55] Um, when do the cartoon boobs come into it if I could be on a show where I get to sit on a stage with

[1:18:03] Ralph Bakshi and people pitch cartoons

[1:18:08] That would be amazing I am sure spike could find room for it in this lineup. Yeah, definitely. Come on

[1:18:14] Between all the ink master spin-off or the Esquire Network. Does that still exist?

[1:18:20] probably

[1:18:22] But thank you, I guess for that movie pitch

[1:18:26] I mean, it's Dan Dan says that as if he did not read the letter at all before

[1:18:30] choosing

[1:18:32] Letters choose me. Mm-hmm. Mmm Yoda over here

[1:18:41] Back it up

[1:18:44] Looking real nice. Why don't you put that gnarled walking stick down and

[1:18:53] Just under that robe just stop stealing that space travelers new tristics. I

[1:19:01] Was always fucking wondering what those tasted like cuz he's into it do you really like some but you have to believe that

[1:19:08] He's eating nothing. But like boiled bark stew for a hundred years

[1:19:12] I actually not a hundred years 20 years because they inserted him into the prequel timeline, you know

[1:19:18] So

[1:19:20] Disappointing I kind of always assumed that he was like

[1:19:23] Like one of those holy fool types

[1:19:26] Yeah, wise man who is also kind of like not fit for normal society because he's so crazy. Yeah, but it turns out

[1:19:34] Like he's just in hiding. Yeah, he's just in hiding and he was as sensible as anything. He's like a little frog ninja that

[1:19:41] Kills clone troopers super easy. Yeah and says around the Jedi a perimeter make or whatever

[1:19:48] Hmm

[1:19:49] Anyway, so it'll all be explained in that Yoda solo film that comes up when he marries Han Solo and becomes Yoda solo

[1:19:57] He takes Han's last name

[1:20:00] So this is the last segment of the podcast where we recommend a movie that we actually like.

[1:20:07] Now we enjoyed Saving Christmas for its bad qualities, but what are some movies we enjoyed for their good qualities?

[1:20:14] I guess I'll go. I've watched a lot of movies recently.

[1:20:21] How many planes did you fly on?

[1:20:23] How many movies was it?

[1:20:26] No, I was just hanging out.

[1:20:27] So many movies.

[1:20:29] I was just hanging out around the house. I had a lot of free time.

[1:20:32] Whoa, sorry, dude.

[1:20:34] Am I reading my struggle? How detailed is this?

[1:20:38] I watched Everybody Wants Some, which Stuart already recommended, but I loved it.

[1:20:44] I would take ten of those over Another Boyhood.

[1:20:48] You know who wants some? Dan.

[1:20:50] Yeah, me.

[1:20:52] I watched Don't Think Twice, which was okay.

[1:20:55] So think twice about watching that one.

[1:20:57] It was fine. It's about New York improv culture.

[1:21:05] Oh, that's that movie.

[1:21:06] Yeah, and so I was like, well, a lot of this movie speaks to me directly, but then again, there's a lot of it that's just really wackily wrong.

[1:21:14] I'm just like, why does this whole improv troupe live together in a house? That seems strange.

[1:21:20] Because they want to stop being polite and start getting improvisational.

[1:21:23] Maybe that's how they're going to win their inheritance.

[1:21:27] Is it a haunted house?

[1:21:28] Yes.

[1:21:29] You have to do an improv show in a haunted house.

[1:21:32] Sounds like a Tales from the Crypt episode.

[1:21:34] I saw Elle, the Paul Verhoeven movie, which was really well acted and directed.

[1:21:40] I'm still not quite sure what the movie was saying, which is why I'm not quite recommending it, even though I think it's really worth watching.

[1:21:51] So are we watching the nominees that didn't win the award of recommendation from Dan?

[1:21:56] So I'm going to go back on a movie that I've seen before, but I watched again recently.

[1:22:02] I saw At the Metrograph here in New York.

[1:22:06] What was the weather like that day?

[1:22:10] How much money was in your pocket when you were sitting there?

[1:22:13] I rewatched The Squid and the Whale.

[1:22:15] It's like a sandwich with a swan in it.

[1:22:24] I saw The Squid and the Whale with Noah Baumbach in attendance doing a Q&A afterwards.

[1:22:30] So you recommend going to see The Squid and the Whale with Noah Baumbach?

[1:22:33] Yeah, exactly.

[1:22:34] No, I recommend The Squid and the Whale.

[1:22:36] I know that, Elliot, you have mixed feelings about it.

[1:22:41] For me, it was not a wholly fulfilling experience.

[1:22:45] Maybe if I watch it again, maybe I'll feel differently.

[1:22:47] I felt like I didn't get a whole from it.

[1:22:50] You could have used more yucks, more jokes.

[1:22:52] Well, I think it's a short story of a movie rather than a novel of a movie, and I think that's okay sometimes.

[1:22:57] It can be.

[1:22:58] I shouldn't harp on this, but it is very hard for me to buy into nobody knowing that he didn't write that song.

[1:23:06] Oh, yeah.

[1:23:07] That nobody recognizes that song seems crazy to me.

[1:23:10] I mean, they do figure it out later in the movie, but yeah, it is.

[1:23:13] The minute he was playing it, someone didn't stand up and go, that's not your song.

[1:23:17] That's from The Wall.

[1:23:18] I imagine him just sitting there going, I wrote this song.

[1:23:21] Okay, everybody, shake it a baby now, shake it a baby.

[1:23:26] Everyone would be like, well, he's a genius.

[1:23:28] This is amazing.

[1:23:29] Okay, here's another song that I wrote.

[1:23:30] Okay, you ain't nothing but a hound dog.

[1:23:33] Oh, this guy's great.

[1:23:34] So many different genres.

[1:23:36] It's like a jungle sometimes.

[1:23:38] I really wonder how I keep from going under.

[1:23:40] Okay, great.

[1:23:41] How many songs is he going to steal?

[1:23:43] But it's not a bad movie.

[1:23:45] It didn't work for me personally, but I'm not everybody.

[1:23:48] I'm every woman, but otherwise.

[1:23:50] If you haven't seen it, quickly, it's about a family that's divorcing.

[1:23:53] Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney are the parents, and Jesse Eisenberg is the older sibling, and I believe it's Kevin Kline's kid is the younger sibling.

[1:24:03] It's a very specific type of 70s, 80s Brooklyn intellectual family.

[1:24:10] It's like 1983.

[1:24:12] They're in Park Slope, and Jeff Bridges is kind of a monster, like an intellectual monster.

[1:24:20] Jeff Daniels.

[1:24:21] Jeff Daniels, sorry.

[1:24:22] Jeff Daniels.

[1:24:23] Jeff Bridges is a monster is all I'm saying.

[1:24:25] He knows what he did to me.

[1:24:27] He's got a crazy heart.

[1:24:29] Man, I don't know why you're talking about me.

[1:24:34] Is that phantasm?

[1:24:36] Sorry, Jeff Bridges.

[1:24:37] Oh, wow.

[1:24:38] He's rattling his chains.

[1:24:39] Old Man Bridges is back.

[1:24:41] You summoned me?

[1:24:44] Thus spoke my name four times.

[1:24:49] It's a bridge you best not cross.

[1:24:53] Jesse Eisenberg sympathizes more with his father, Jeff Daniels, even though Jeff Daniels is kind of self-evidently the worst.

[1:25:03] But it's a young man who doesn't know enough about the world quite yet and idolizes his father and is kind of learning, like, oh, everyone's imperfect.

[1:25:17] Maybe, like, I need to give my mom a break, and maybe, like, I love my dad, but he's not who I think he is, and it's that process of figuring that out that the movie's about.

[1:25:26] It's a movie about maturing.

[1:25:27] Yeah.

[1:25:28] And it's, look, it's inspired by one of my favorite dioramas at the Museum of Natural History, so it's got that going for it.

[1:25:34] Yeah.

[1:25:35] So, Squid and the Whale, that's my recommendation.

[1:25:38] So, Ellie, do you got 20 minutes worth of recommendations?

[1:25:43] Okay, so my recommendation begins on a cold February night in 1973.

[1:25:48] Every movie that I brought up was—

[1:25:49] Ellie, it's Grandparents.

[1:25:51] Every movie I brought up was of value.

[1:25:53] Every movie I brought up was worth seeing.

[1:25:57] To tell you about the movie that I'm going to recommend, we're really going to have to go back to ancient Babylon, where it seems I'm going to recommend a movie that's probably still in the theaters as we talk now.

[1:26:10] It is a sci-fi flick by the name of Arrival, and it's the story of Amy Adams as a—

[1:26:17] No spoilers.

[1:26:18] No spoilers. It's the story of Amy Adams as—

[1:26:20] Oh, no, spoiler alert. Amy Adams is in it.

[1:26:23] Okay.

[1:26:24] As a linguist who is enlisted when mysterious aliens appear over different points in the earth, and the first step to figuring out what is going on is communicating with them.

[1:26:34] And everyone is having trouble figuring out how to communicate with these aliens, and she is enlisted to unlock this puzzle and by doing so discovers more than she intended.

[1:26:44] And I've been looking forward to this movie for a long time.

[1:26:47] I was a big fan of the story that it's based off of, and they kind of movied it up a little bit but in a way that mostly worked for me.

[1:26:57] And I've heard a lot of people complaining to me that the ending is a little too on-the-nose, but that wasn't really a problem for me.

[1:27:06] Like the ending is very sentimental in a way that I found very moving, and I could see how it might be too on-the-nose over the top for some people, but it's directed by Denis Villeneuve.

[1:27:20] Oh, flop house favorite.

[1:27:23] His last one was Sicario, which I liked.

[1:27:28] Prisoners I didn't like. Sicario I liked.

[1:27:30] This movie I like even more than those two, and I found that his style, which is very dark and very ominous, combined with a story that is hopeful more than it is bleak was a really good combination for me.

[1:27:43] It brought gravity to the story but without dragging it down too much, so Arrival I really liked.

[1:27:49] Kind of like the opposite of Zack Snyder's Man of Steel kind of.

[1:27:52] Yeah, kind of.

[1:27:53] Where he tried to drape everything in seriousness but also try and tell a story of a magical spaceman.

[1:28:00] A magical spaceman who wears his pajamas when he punches bank robbers.

[1:28:05] And murders Michael Shannons.

[1:28:08] Hey dudes, I'm going to recommend a nice short little nasty piece of work like Saving Christmas.

[1:28:15] It's called Saving Christmas.

[1:28:17] I'm going to recommend a recently released thriller, a thrill ride called Don't Breathe.

[1:28:25] This was produced by Sam Raimi's company that has been handling a couple of small tight little movies like the Evil Dead remake.

[1:28:36] What are you laughing at?

[1:28:37] I don't know, the way you said tight little movies.

[1:28:39] Tight little movies?

[1:28:40] I don't like that.

[1:28:41] Okay, I'll stop.

[1:28:43] Okay, so this is a little thriller about three kind of down on their luck young kids who are...

[1:28:53] The Mott Squad.

[1:28:55] Who have to do a dance recital to save the community center.

[1:29:00] A dance recital.

[1:29:02] Whatever, it's pretty official.

[1:29:05] So the three kids are trying to get out of Detroit and make a little money so they are robbing houses.

[1:29:15] And they have access to these houses because one of the kids fathers works for a security company.

[1:29:21] And they get a hot tip on a blind veteran's home who is sitting on a bunch of money after his daughter was killed in a car accident.

[1:29:31] And so they break into this guy's home and get more than they bargained for.

[1:29:37] Uh oh.

[1:29:38] So it's a very tense little movie.

[1:29:40] It uses a little bit of cinematic flourishes.

[1:29:45] But for the most part I think any cinematic techniques and shots and camera movements.

[1:29:52] All that stuff I think works to better the plot and raise the tension as opposed to some shit where...

[1:30:00] a camera flies through a keyhole or something, which just kind of takes you

[1:30:03] out of the thing. It almost reminds me more of some of the tricks that David

[1:30:09] Fincher used in Panic Room, which I think still... Doesn't the camera fly through a mug

[1:30:13] handle in Panic Room? It does. But for some reason it works in Panic Room. I mean, David Fincher

[1:30:18] knows what he's doing. Yeah. Except when he made Bungeman Button. And the

[1:30:26] blind veteran is played by Stephen Lang, who has famously pitched himself to play

[1:30:32] Cable in a future movie. Cable, the Marvel superhero. Not Cable, the thing that you

[1:30:39] plug into other things. Yeah, that would be great of that, though. But he gives this

[1:30:44] amazing performance. And I will say there is a twist near the end of the movie

[1:30:50] that is a little crazy and is, some would find, very off-putting. Well, yeah,

[1:30:57] you should, I think, warn people that there is what is essentially an

[1:31:01] attempted rape scene in the movie, if that is going to upset you to the point that you

[1:31:07] could not watch the movie. Yes, that's fair. Dan, that is a good thing to warn

[1:31:12] people about. Yeah, it's pretty rough. Okay, so don't breathe. So not one for the family.

[1:31:19] No. Pop it in this Christmas. Pop some popcorn. Pop some Redenboggers. Get Granny,

[1:31:24] get Pop Pop on the couch. Get little Timmy and little Jesse and little Betsy and just pop in,

[1:31:32] don't breathe. Heartwarming. Why is everything popping? Just pop some bottles. Pop around,

[1:31:44] paparazzi. Drink some pop. Just use the pop-o-matic to pop the dice. No, man,

[1:31:52] we have done everything now. That was everything we could do. We have done everything in the world.

[1:31:58] There's no thing we didn't do. You know, this has been a pretty short episode for us,

[1:32:01] but it's also longer than the fucking movie again. Again, I would continue our streak of

[1:32:06] talking longer than the movie. Yeah. Well, do you have any final thoughts, Dan, before you exit this

[1:32:13] mortal plane? Be good to each other this holiday season, right? Be excellent to each other and

[1:32:20] party on, dude. All right, never mind. I won't get heartfelt because Dan didn't. I fell for the old

[1:32:26] Dan inability to express his emotions honestly. You can be heartfelt. I give you permission. Look,

[1:32:32] I've said a lot about... Say something heartfelt, Dan will slide some sunglasses on his face and

[1:32:38] chew some gum. I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate my own stuff, but a lot of people do

[1:32:46] celebrate Christmas. The point is, any excuse you can find to do something good for somebody else,

[1:32:52] to be good to somebody else and to think about what you're lucky to have or what you're grateful

[1:32:58] to have is a good thing to do. So if that means it's because it's the holidays, if that means

[1:33:04] because it's cold outside and you want to snuggle up that much closer, it doesn't matter. Let's take

[1:33:09] this time to try to give ourselves a reason to be better people and to be the best we can be to

[1:33:16] people around us and the rest of the world. And then let's take that feeling and let's continue

[1:33:20] it beyond the holiday season into the year 2017 because we're going to have enough problems in the

[1:33:26] year 2017. Let's all try to be our best selves and just keep running with it. I think we're all going

[1:33:32] to be a lot happier that way and we're going to make other people happy that way too. And that's

[1:33:35] all I'll say. That's a pretty good setup for that letter writing campaign everybody's starting to

[1:33:41] write letters to the Mondo Corporation so they'll mail me a complimentary phantasm ball Christmas

[1:33:46] tree ornament. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. When I say that is right to the Mondo

[1:33:51] Company in demand of free phantasm ornament for Stuart. Not for you. This is for Stuart. Yeah,

[1:33:57] come on. Think about others at this time of need. All right. It's been great. We'll see you next

[1:34:05] time. For The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy. Hey, you know what? I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:34:11] And on Second Thought, I'm Elliot Kaelin. Good night, everyone.

[1:34:20] And then we do the regular show and then we make it up as we go along. We're just doing it,

[1:34:24] doing it. Pippin' and hoppin' it. Pippin' and boppin' it. Pippin' and boppin', boopin' and

[1:34:28] boopin'. Ropin' and scopin'. This is Sammy's new thing, by the way, is making up rhymes. So all

[1:34:34] dinner he was going, he's like, you have a chair or you have a Claire. You eat your cheese

[1:34:43] or you eat your peas. And most of them is like, your hair is a Zare. Just like made up nonsense.

[1:34:54] It's really funny that he does it for a long time. He's like, Mom's spaghetti.

[1:34:59] Belts are getty. It's still getty. Betty's spaghetti. League of their own.

[1:35:09] All right. League of their own. Fully grown. Setti. Bitch and moan. Setti. Getty on the

[1:35:17] seti. Eatin' spaghetti. Hands are sweaty. Fred and Betty. I guess, well, Fred shouldn't be with

[1:35:23] Betty. Well, we don't know what's happening between the two of them. So they went to a

[1:35:29] key party and they put their little rock, the rock keys. It was a rock party. You couldn't tell the

[1:35:34] difference between the rocks. There has to be some unproduced script someone at Hanna-Barbera wrote

[1:35:40] for fun where Fred and Barney swap lives. It has to exist. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

[1:35:48] Artist owned. Listener supported.

Ep. #219 - Saving Christmas

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