Ep.#220 - The Trust

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Ho ho ho! Merry Cagemas! What has Nicolas Cage brought us this year? Why, it's the trust!

[0:09] And a happy Cage-ica!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] I'm Elliot Kalin. Hey, what's wrong, Stuart?

Dan McCoy

[0:46] Why are we still doing this, guys?

Stuart Wellington

[0:49] The whole thing?

[0:51] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[0:51] The life or the Flophouse?

Stuart Wellington

[0:53] Yeah, why are we doing, well, I guess life and the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[0:56] Stuart, you should be triumphant. After all, I said,

[0:59] happy Cage-ica, and you immediately afterwards, when we were done with the intro,

[1:02] corrected me by saying, shouldn't it have been Hanukage?

[1:05] So you were right and I was wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] I should be exultant, but Dan's probably going to leave that on the old cutting room floor.

[1:10] No, no, no.

[1:10] That's where he goes in and cuts the computer in half.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] That's where he cuts a hole in the floor to get to the safe underneath it.

Dan McCoy

[1:16] Spoiler alert for the movie.

[1:18] This imagines that I cut anything from any episode ever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] Or that I've listened to the podcast before.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25] So, Stu, what's got you down?

[1:26] Yeah, come on. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

[1:29] Yeah, it's, I mean, it's winter out.

[1:32] Leaves are falling.

[1:33] Children calling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34] Yeah.

[1:35] What else?

Dan McCoy

[1:36] Bros balling.

[1:37] One, two, Freddy's coming for you.

[1:39] Three, four, better lock the door.

[1:42] Well, yeah, I mean, okay.

[1:44] Five, six, get a crucifix.

[1:46] Wait, what?

[1:47] What's seven, eight?

[1:48] What's seven, eight?

[1:49] Vampire?

[1:50] Better stay up late.

[1:51] Nine, ten?

[1:52] A big fat hand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56] Story checks out.

[1:57] Your math ends up.

[1:58] Hold on, let me check the Christmas calculator.

[2:00] Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

[2:01] Yep, good holiday cheer.

[2:04] So, Dan, what is this show and what do we do on it?

Dan McCoy

[2:07] This show is called The Flophouse.

[2:09] Yep.

[2:10] It's a five cast.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11] If you thought you were listening to 99% Invisible or Radiolab or something that has actual factual content.

[2:19] You have some weird aphasia.

[2:21] Ooh, you have chosen the wrong one because you're about to enter a world of nonsense.

[2:25] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[2:25] And a world of pain.

[2:26] Here's some stuff you should know.

[2:28] Well, wait, you should know that you're listening to a bad podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] About dumb stuff.

[2:33] Not a bad podcast, a pointless podcast.

[2:36] And, Dan, what do we do on this pointless, stupid podcast?

Dan McCoy

[2:38] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:40] Or we watch a movie, let's say, and then we talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:43] All right, interesting.

[2:45] Okay.

[2:46] With a split hairs.

[2:46] And, Dan, now, it is, as you mentioned, the happiest time of the year.

[2:50] Why is that?

[2:51] What time of the year is it?

[2:52] Is it the summer solstice?

[2:54] Is it flag day?

[2:56] Mm-hmm.

[2:57] Is it secretary's day?

[2:59] I assume that these are rhetorical questions because if they aren't, you're an idiot, Elliot.

[3:02] Dan, I've come unstuck in time.

[3:04] Is this the weekend?

[3:05] A minute ago I was 60 years old.

[3:07] And I was in a space cage.

[3:09] And then, two minutes ago, I was a toddler.

[3:12] So, what time is it?

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] What year is it?

[3:14] Where am I?

[3:15] Elliot, is that you sitting over in that chair as an old man while a childlike version of you is fitfully sleeping?

[3:21] Worried the Sandman's going to show up?

[3:23] Wait.

[3:24] Is that the same guy, right?

[3:25] We're in Mashemup.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Yeah, I'm not quite sure what's...

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] I love that music video at Enter Sandman where they managed to time the truck smashing into that bed when James Hetfield goes, ooh.

[3:40] You know that they have editing, right?

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] That's how they did...

[3:43] They didn't perfectly...

[3:44] The guy was driving it.

[3:46] And he's like, okay.

[3:47] Okay.

[3:48] This is the 21st try.

[3:49] We only have one shot at this.

[3:51] So, James, do not screw up the timing.

[3:53] And truck driver, what's your name?

[3:55] Just do it right.

Stuart Wellington

[3:56] Yep.

[3:56] Metallica showed up at the bed store.

[3:58] And they're like, hey, we got to buy a bed.

[4:01] Ooh.

[4:02] That's not very good.

[4:03] At the bed store.

[4:04] And the bed store's like, fuck you guys.

[4:06] I'm selling you one bed.

[4:07] No more shenanigans here, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] We got to either ride the lightning or a race car bed.

[4:13] Mm-hmm.

[4:15] So.

[4:16] We want to fade to sleep.

[4:18] Mm-hmm.

[4:20] Show us your best bed.

Dan McCoy

[4:23] That's why they're sleeping with one eye open, to make sure that that timing gets right.

[4:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] I've mentioned before on the show that I say that to my son when he's going to bed, right?

[4:31] What?

[4:32] I tell him, I say, Sammy, sleep with one eye open, clutching your pillow tight.

[4:40] Enter night, exit light.

[4:42] And my wife says, stop saying that to him.

Stuart Wellington

[4:46] I, have I ever told you that when I was in, when I was in high school, we, I took this class

[4:51] where you, it was like a film and video class.

[4:54] And our final project, in addition to watching a bunch of great movies like Ferris Bueller,

[4:58] we got to do a final project where we got to make a music video based on, like, pick some

[5:05] random song.

[5:06] Based on a scene from Ferris Bueller.

[5:06] Yeah.

[5:07] So we, you take some song and you got to make a music video.

[5:09] I swear I've told this story on the podcast before, but I don't care, you will hear it

[5:12] again.

[5:13] And the best, and they, you know, after we were working on our projects a little bit,

[5:18] the teacher showed us some of the best examples of videos from the years before us.

[5:21] Of course, these were all from like the late 80s.

[5:23] So there was a ton of like awesome hair metal videos like, uh, Skid Rose, I'll remember

[5:28] you with like a couple like hanging out by a lake.

[5:31] Is that the one that goes, I will remember you.

[5:36] It's a little bit like it.

[5:40] And, but there was one music video where these dudes made a video called, uh, for Metallica's

[5:46] Seek and Destroy.

[5:47] Oh, I love that song.

[5:48] And, uh, they got one like super buff dude to be like a cop.

[5:52] And the idea is that he's like, kids were being real assholes.

[5:55] And this cop like decided to like take the law into his own hands.

[5:59] So he had a scene of him like taking his badge off and ripping his cop uniform off.

[6:04] And then he like.

[6:05] Is he sure he wasn't a stripper?

[6:06] It might've been.

[6:07] I mean, he's a high school kid.

[6:09] He might also be a stripper like in summer school.

[6:11] And then there, so there's the, the video ends with him.

[6:15] Uh, tracking the kids down, the punks down at the top of a parking garage and picking

[6:20] a kid up and throwing him off the top of the parking garage.

[6:23] And they use this like really hilarious dummy for it.

[6:26] But the effects were so good.

[6:27] It's still my favorite movie I've ever seen.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Long story short.

[6:31] Reminds me of a complaint that an old coworker of mine had where he would be, he would volunteer

[6:35] to be a judge for his alma mater's student film program.

[6:39] And he, he was, and I remember walking on him and watching some of these and he was like,

[6:43] ah, I was like, why, when will these students stop making movies about mobsters?

[6:47] I can't take serious a movie where someone goes to borrow money from a 19 year old gangster.

Stuart Wellington

[6:53] Because they were just college students playing all the parts.

Elliott Kalan

[6:56] So you'd have like, he'd be the top kingpin of the city, but he's clearly like a sophomore.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] I like this new anecdote based direction this podcast is headed.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] Yeah.

[7:04] Because what if we normally watch bad movies and we talk about?

Dan McCoy

[7:06] We watch bad movies and we talk about.

[7:07] That was where we're getting to.

Stuart Wellington

[7:08] We're talking about movies that we, we really like, like the, the Seek and Destroy video.

[7:12] Which is unauthorized.

[7:13] I hope somebody put this on YouTube.

[7:15] Uh, I would only assume the notorious litigious Metallica would have forced them to take it

[7:19] down.

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] Metallica's pretty cool about their fan base just doing whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[7:22] Uh, but if, uh, if my teacher whose name I don't remember can put this, put that video up on YouTube,

[7:29] I will watch it.

[7:30] It's amazing how.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] I'll give you some clicks, buddy.

[7:32] It's amazing how like, I remember the great Napster, Napster Metallica hunt when like my brother

[7:37] had his Napster account shut down because he was one of the millions of people who downloaded

[7:41] Metallica songs.

[7:42] And now all that stuff is available on YouTube and like multiple, many videos.

[7:47] And it's like, at a certain point, everyone just threw up their hands and were like,

[7:50] whatever, I don't know.

[7:52] But also like, I have purchased so many Metallica albums now because I first listened to them

[7:57] in full on YouTube when I was getting back into metal.

[8:00] Yeah, we get it.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] Information wants to be free.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] No, but then I buy them afterwards.

[8:04] They're making moolah off of it.

[8:06] That's how they can afford all the, how, how.

[8:08] Yeah, we get it.

Stuart Wellington

[8:09] You have money to buy albums.

[8:11] It's how, uh, it's how.

[8:12] I got Uncle Pennybags over here.

[8:14] It's how Kirk can afford all those custom mummy poster guitars.

[8:17] Is that the, uh, is that the uncle, the guy from Monopoly, the Monopoly board?

[8:21] Uncle Pennybags.

[8:22] Uncle Pennybags.

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:23] Wait, that's his, wait, that's the guy or that's the uncle of the guy?

Elliott Kalan

[8:26] No, that's the, that's the guy.

[8:27] That's the Monopoly man.

[8:28] I don't know whether that means if you're playing Monopoly, he's your uncle.

[8:31] I think so.

[8:32] I think that's the implication.

[8:33] Okay.

[8:34] You're the nephew of rich Uncle Pennybags.

Dan McCoy

[8:36] Mm-hmm.

[8:36] Now, Dan.

[8:37] And he's pitted all of his, uh, his progeny against each other in this game to the death.

Elliott Kalan

[8:43] Oh, yeah.

[8:43] Well, he's like Arcade from the X-Men.

[8:45] It's just a game he plays until the last one's alive.

[8:48] Do they win anything?

[8:49] Like a tauntine?

[8:51] Yeah, tauntaun.

[8:52] They just ride it around on hoth.

[8:53] And then you slit it open and sleep in it.

[8:56] And you thought it smelled bad on the outside.

[8:58] Dan, you said this was the happiest time of the year.

[8:59] Why is that?

Dan McCoy

[9:00] Oh, that's right.

[9:01] Because it's the time that St. Nicholas Cage comes down from, uh, I don't know.

[9:06] His German castle?

[9:06] Yeah, from Valhalla.

[9:07] He floats in from New Orleans and he bestows upon us the gift of his, uh.

[9:16] Presence?

[9:17] Beneficent, uh, uh, performances.

[9:21] Yeah, you got there.

[9:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] So let's make one thing.

[9:24] So every year we celebrate Cagemas.

[9:26] Well, really twice a year because there's Cagemas in July.

[9:28] Mm-hmm.

[9:28] Let's make one thing clear.

[9:30] And I feel like we've talked about this a lot on the podcast.

[9:32] But we should always reiterate it.

[9:33] This is not an ironic appreciation of Nicolas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[9:36] Yeah, we're not making one of those shirts that has a bunch of faces of Nicolas Cage on it.

[9:40] That you can wear to your fucking Williamsburg bar.

[9:43] You extra shit.

[9:45] I think I have one of those.

[9:46] You asshole.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] With your, with your Hanksy graffiti.

[9:49] With your celebrity puns.

[9:51] You piece of garbage.

[9:52] You know what?

[9:53] Bring a garbage bag to throw this piece of shit in and dump it in the ocean.

Stuart Wellington

[9:57] Yeah, why don't you climb on top of your giant wheeled

[9:59] Velocipede and ride off into a toxic waste spill.

[10:04] It's like that no toxi.

[10:06] No deposit line.

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] Yeah, that's what I was trying to remember what it was.

[10:10] Bring a stretcher for this good man.

[10:13] Bring the garbage bags for these pieces of shit.

[10:17] No deposit.

[10:18] What a great, terrible movie.

[10:20] Look, we are not waxing our handlebar mustaches and playing with our suspender braces while we drink our old, you know, 19th century cocktails or nothing about Nicolas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[10:30] We're not drinking one of those Adrian Grenier beers that you need a church key to get inside.

[10:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] Well, one thing, use that to get into a church and save your soul, dude.

[10:37] Because it's time for you to pray for forgiveness from Lord Cage.

[10:41] Because Nicolas Cage, as we all agree, I think, in this room, is a genuinely great actor.

[10:46] Yeah.

[10:47] Like, one of the greatest actors.

[10:49] And he has been unfairly maligned by the Iranicizers.

[10:53] That made it sound like I was talking about the nation of Iran.

[10:55] I was talking about ironic and irony.

[10:57] No, no, that's good.

[10:58] You're just prejudiced against the Middle Eastern people.

[11:02] Dan, well, that's kind of racist to say Middle Eastern people when Iranians are Persian.

[11:07] Many of the other countries are Arab.

[11:09] And there are other ethnicities, too.

[11:10] To lump them all together as Middle Eastern people is astoundingly ignorant.

[11:15] He's got you there, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[11:16] Hoisted by your own petard.

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] You're right.

[11:19] Hey, look, it's Jean-Luc Petard over here.

Dan McCoy

[11:21] In the tradition of Jesse Thorne and Jordan Jesse Go, I ask that you tweet all of your complaints to at Ted Cruz.

Elliott Kalan

[11:29] Well, in the tradition of Jesse Pinkman, you're a meth dealer now.

[11:33] Anyway, so, Dan, let's, so we'll make it clear.

[11:38] Nicolas Cage, we love him.

[11:40] We actually like watching him.

[11:41] And today, as we always do, we watch a Nicolas Cage movie, right?

[11:45] Hoping against hope that he would bring us a performance with that rare combination of.

[11:51] That Elan that he can bring.

[11:53] Manic energy, but realistic emotion and outsized style that is the hallmark of the great Nicolas Cage performances.

Stuart Wellington

[12:02] Yeah, we all remember the first time our hearts were st-o-lin.

[12:08] Nice.

[12:09] Good stuff.

[12:09] Nice.

[12:11] When we couldn't wait to see the next Nicolas Cage movie.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] When we left Las Vegas because we were moonstruck by how we were honeymooned in Vegas.

Dan McCoy

[12:23] He's got that Bangkok dangerous edge to him.

[12:28] Kind of.

[12:29] I mean, now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Elliott Kalan

[12:30] And the Sorcerer's Apprentice with a side of Zeruli.

[12:36] What was that movie called?

[12:37] Zanduli.

[12:38] Zanduli.

[12:38] With Judge Reinhold.

[12:40] That was the name of the movie, Zanduli with Judge Reinhold?

[12:42] Yeah, that's right.

[12:45] So, Nicolas Cage has made a number of movies set in Las Vegas now.

[12:49] Yeah.

[12:50] This one that we watched today is set in Las Vegas.

[12:51] There's Leaving Las Vegas.

[12:52] There's Honeymoon in Vegas.

[12:53] There's Con Air, which is around Las Vegas.

[12:56] Yep.

[12:56] What other Vegas movies are there?

Dan McCoy

[12:58] I don't know, but it's...

[12:59] Not stolen.

[13:00] That was New Orleans.

[13:01] It's probably...

[13:01] Vegas and New Orleans are his haunts.

Stuart Wellington

[13:03] I'm guessing he is in the background of some scenes of episodes of NBC's Las Vegas, featuring

[13:11] a title character named Danny McCoy.

[13:14] Coincidence?

Elliott Kalan

[13:15] A title character?

[13:15] So his name is Las Vegas in the show?

[13:18] Danny Las Vegas McCoy.

[13:20] I mean, I said it pretty clearly, Elliot.

[13:22] And I think he was probably in Six String Samurai, where they go to Las Vegas.

[13:26] Mm-hmm.

[13:27] But this movie, what did we watch today?

[13:29] We watched a movie called The Trust.

[13:31] The title is so generic, I keep forgetting.

[13:34] It has nothing to do with the movie.

[13:35] No.

[13:36] Is it about managing a trust?

Dan McCoy

[13:38] Yes.

[13:39] It's about Nicolas Cage.

[13:40] He's a rich boy.

[13:42] He puts...

[13:43] He's living off...

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] If I were a rich boy.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] Deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-dee.

[13:49] That was the goiest way that song could be sang by both of you.

[13:56] Yeah, he plays a little rich boy who is not going to get any money until he turns out

[14:01] and he turns 25 and he just can't wait.

[14:03] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] Nicolas Cage is playing a younger than 25-year-old in this.

[14:08] It's a real Martin Short in Clifford type performance.

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] Mm-hmm.

[14:12] So, Oscar worthy.

[14:14] He knows.

[14:16] Oh, I remember seeing Clifford in the theater where I snuck liter bottles of Jolt in my Jolt

[14:24] Cola in the cargo pockets of my shorts.

Dan McCoy

[14:27] For some reason, I thought you were going to say, where I snuck my fingers inside the vagina.

[14:31] Oh, my God.

[14:32] Dan.

[14:32] Dude.

Stuart Wellington

[14:33] Dan.

[14:34] Oh, man.

[14:35] I'm sorry.

[14:35] Wait.

[14:35] I was like 14.

[14:37] Well, yeah.

[14:38] I was 14.

[14:39] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[14:40] All right.

[14:40] I'm sorry.

[14:41] I'm not okay.

[14:41] You should be sorry.

[14:42] I want to apologize to everybody.

[14:44] I apologize to everyone, those with vaginas, those without vaginas.

[14:48] You're digging a deeper hole.

[14:50] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[14:50] Just apologize in general and move on.

Dan McCoy

[14:53] I can't.

[14:54] Now it's in my head.

[14:56] What?

[14:57] Just vaginas?

[14:57] Yeah, just in general.

[14:59] Okay.

[14:59] Well.

[15:00] We got to move on.

[15:00] We got to get this train back on the track.

Stuart Wellington

[15:03] This is a movie that does open with nudity, which is rare for a Flophouse movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] Yeah.

[15:09] Well, I mean, if you're watching Nine Lives, which is a family film about a cat, it's not

[15:12] going to have nudity in it.

[15:13] That cat was naked the whole time.

[15:15] I don't know what you're talking about.

[15:15] Okay, good point.

[15:16] The cat is totally nude the whole time.

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] Yeah, and I guess a lot of movies we watch are either family films or studio.

[15:23] A lot of PG-13s.

[15:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] We don't watch a lot of hard R's, and we certainly don't watch a lot of X-rated movies.

[15:29] Dan, I've put the note in the complaint box and the suggestion box for the Flophouse industries.

Stuart Wellington

[15:34] Then maybe we add more X-rated movies.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] Then maybe we just watch more X-rated movies.

[15:38] That's where the real stories are being told.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] There was the time that we did consider seriously for a moment watching The Great Bikini Off-Road

[15:46] Adventure.

[15:47] For sentimental value.

[15:48] For sentimental value.

[15:48] But then we thought, no, it probably wouldn't make for a great podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] No, we're not really going into that assuming maybe this could be a good movie.

[15:57] Yeah.

[15:59] A movie I've recommended a couple times on this podcast.

[16:02] Good point.

[16:03] So, The Trust.

[16:04] We're in Las Vegas.

[16:06] Nicholas Cage and Elijah Wood both work for the evidence collection and protection arm of

[16:12] the Las Vegas PD or LVPD.

Stuart Wellington

[16:15] What is that in Roman numerals?

[16:17] What does that mean?

[16:18] Is that like 55 PD?

[16:21] Now, I imagine being in Las Vegas, those guys probably have some really wacky stories

[16:28] to tell.

[16:29] Oh, sure.

[16:30] Well, everyone in Las Vegas has a crazy story to tell.

[16:33] Like, I'm surprised that the evidence collection room isn't filled with like tigers and show

[16:38] girls and Gina Gershon.

Dan McCoy

[16:40] And Ed Helms with a tattoo on his face in the evidence collection room.

[16:45] So he got that tattoo when they're in Hong Kong or something.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] He gets tattoos all over.

[16:50] Hong Kong phooey.

[16:51] We're talking about Las Vegas in the Trust.

[16:54] Now, they are not happy with their jobs.

[16:57] Elijah Wood just drifts through life in a haze of drugs and one sex scene.

[17:02] He doesn't really seem to be that into it.

[17:04] Nicholas Cage, on the other hand, is supporting both himself and his elderly father, Jerry Lewis,

[17:09] in a very surprising role in that you don't really need Jerry Lewis to play the role.

[17:13] There's nothing about it that gives Jerry Lewis a time to shine.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] Yeah, it's not a meaty role.

[17:19] But I was surprised to learn that Jerry Lewis in the movie is a 90-year-old man.

[17:24] He seems pretty spry for 90.

Stuart Wellington

[17:28] Kind of.

[17:29] I mean, he seems addled and confused the whole movie.

[17:32] Like if, yeah, I mean, he showed up and opened his eyes and set his lines.

[17:37] Do you think he was hoping for like a new springtime of his career, like Louis Anderson's experience?

Elliott Kalan

[17:44] He's like, this is my baskets.

[17:47] This is my Bill Murray in Rushmore.

[17:49] Finally, I just got to be in an indie film and then suddenly Jerry Lewis will be back on top.

[17:54] And then I can do that Cinderfella reboot that I've been so excited about.

[17:59] It's a gritty Cinderfella where he works with the internet.

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] Wait, is that where there's a guy who's Cinderella?

[18:08] I think you can deduce that from the title of the film.

[18:12] That's the whole thing?

Elliott Kalan

[18:14] Well, it's a remake of the movie Goodfellas.

[18:16] But they're guys, instead of gangsters, they're guys who collect cinders and clean out fireplaces and chimneys.

[18:22] Okay.

[18:22] Literally Cinderfella's.

[18:24] Yeah.

[18:25] And it's like, it starts out with Jerry Lewis playing himself as a kid, much as we were saying

[18:29] Nicolas Cage does.

[18:30] And he's like, ever since I was a kid, I wanted to clean chimneys.

[18:34] Mm-hmm.

[18:34] He's hanging out at the local chimney parlor.

[18:37] And the police catch him for cleaning chimneys without a license and he doesn't talk.

[18:41] And they're really proud of him.

[18:42] So they give him a carton of brooms that they can use to sweep out chimneys.

[18:46] One chim-chim-tree later, he's hopped up on cocaine, cooking meatballs and hallucinating helicopters.

[18:52] Debbie Mazars there.

[18:53] And then it's off to the suburbs.

[18:55] Cinderfellas.

[18:56] Rated R.

[18:57] Anyway, so back to this movie.

[18:59] That's a pretty good summary of Goodfellas.

[19:00] Thank you.

[19:02] I've seen it.

[19:04] So they go, so Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood, they feel like they are not really being made

[19:08] the most of in their roles.

[19:10] They're not respected by the policemen.

[19:12] Nobody listens to them.

[19:13] And everyone's making fun of them.

[19:15] But Nicolas Cage notices something a little strange in a file on a perp.

[19:21] Yeah.

[19:21] A seemingly, what would you say?

Dan McCoy

[19:22] This normal perp is bailed out.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] Now, perp is short for purple.

[19:27] Yeah.

[19:28] Because when you commit a crime, your hands turn purple.

[19:32] That's why they fingerprint you.

Stuart Wellington

[19:33] They give you a copy of that Stone Temple Pilots record, Purple.

[19:36] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[19:37] So this normal purple.

[19:38] It's a huge hit.

[19:39] Enormous.

[19:40] Is, uh...

[19:42] Remember when everyone was piloting Stone Temples?

[19:45] Why don't people do that anymore?

[19:47] This perp has been bailed out for $200,000 in cash.

[19:54] And Nicolas Cage is like, hmm, that's strange.

[19:57] I'm Nicolas Cage.

[19:58] That sparks something in my brain.

[20:01] Does this seem suspicious to you?

[20:02] There's $200,000 in cash.

[20:03] This guy's got a friend with deep pockets.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] I don't know where to get $200,000 in cashless.

[20:08] The ATM will only let me take out like $800 in a day.

[20:13] And I have to go to a bunch of different ATMs to even do that.

[20:15] I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[20:18] And now I'm Jimmy Stewart.

[20:19] And I'm also noticing something strange about this file.

[20:22] Oh, wow.

[20:22] They got Jimmy Stewart as well as...

[20:24] I've got a giant rabbit as a friend.

[20:27] That's crazy.

[20:28] You can't even see him.

[20:29] That's crazy.

[20:30] I'm Tom Brokaw.

[20:31] Oh, wow.

[20:32] The only thing stranger than this file is a little book called Dune.

[20:37] It's the story of intergalactic political shenanigans.

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] What a good summary.

[20:44] The most powerful resource in the galaxy.

[20:46] The shenanigans I think is overlooked usually when people talk about Dune.

Elliott Kalan

[20:50] Paul Atreides, son of Duke Leto, finds himself on Dune one cocaine ride later and he's making meatballs, hallucinating helicopters, and living out in the Arrakis suburbs in the Freeman Witness Protection Program.

[21:08] I call it Dunefellas, and I hope that you're interested in producing.

[21:16] So, Nicolas Cage.

[21:17] I'll direct and start.

[21:19] Wow.

[21:20] It's called Tom Brokaw's Mary Shelley's Frank Herbert's Dunefellas.

Dan McCoy

[21:25] Nicolas Cage starts staking out this guy to try and figure out, you know...

[21:30] What's going on here?

[21:30] What's going on?

[21:31] How does this guy have access to this much money?

[21:33] Yeah, you gotta put peepers on the perp.

[21:34] And he's doing it with the help of his friend E. Wood, Elijah Wood.

[21:38] And now...

[21:39] There's a big montage of Nicolas Cage having a ball being undercover.

[21:44] Oh, my God.

[21:44] That's good.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] He takes a bunch of vacation days to go undercover working at the same place, at the same

[21:49] casino that this drug dealer also works as a waiter.

[21:52] And he is having the time of his life.

[21:54] And it is like...

[21:55] You see a sort of charisma with Nicolas Cage here that we've missed in a bunch of movies.

[21:59] And let me just say this right off the bat.

[22:01] The first half to two-thirds of this movie was like...

[22:06] Was a lot better than I expected it to be.

[22:09] Where he is discovering this case and he starts investigating it with Elijah Wood.

[22:14] And Elijah Wood and Nicolas Cage have fantastic chemistry together.

[22:17] They're both kind of weird guys, but they're weird in different ways.

[22:21] And Elijah Wood...

[22:23] Nicolas Cage is his high energy.

[22:24] Nicolas Cage weird.

[22:26] But not super high energy.

[22:27] Not super high energy.

[22:28] He's like higher than normal energy.

[22:29] You never quite know what he's going to say.

[22:31] Elijah Wood is kind of like...

[22:32] He's a little bit haunted, maybe.

[22:34] Yeah, it's like he is seeing things that nobody else is seeing around them.

[22:39] And he reacts in a weird way.

[22:41] He's always a little bit weirded out by whatever Nicolas Cage is doing.

[22:46] And they have this great dynamic energy together.

[22:49] And I wish there was a big budget movie that had room for Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood to be in it together.

[22:54] Because I would watch ten movies starring these guys together.

[22:58] They could easily be a serious Abbott and Costello.

[23:04] Who make movies together.

Dan McCoy

[23:05] Or this would be like a good limited series.

[23:08] Yeah.

[23:09] Yeah.

[23:09] Like an eight episode series.

[23:11] Like a night manager.

[23:12] Yeah.

[23:13] With these two bouncing off each other.

[23:15] I mean a better plot than this movie probably.

[23:18] But...

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] I mean if you stretch this...

[23:19] I mean the movie was a stretch even at 90 minutes.

[23:21] It was a 90 minute film.

[23:22] And even that felt like you were pulling taffy to get to the full length.

Dan McCoy

[23:27] 80 minutes I think would have been a nice handsome length for this film.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] But like I would love to see like a mini series that's more complicated than this.

[23:34] But it has Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood as the lead.

[23:37] So Hollywood.

[23:38] Do it up.

Stuart Wellington

[23:38] And Nicolas Cage is able to bring a certain energy that's almost like...

[23:42] Like an office dad who is on vacation for the first time in a long time.

[23:47] Is like away from his family.

[23:48] And is like...

[23:49] Yeah.

[23:49] Kind of loving it.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] Nicolas Cage strikes me these days as being like...

[23:54] Similar in that way.

[23:55] The dad of a friend of yours who you are sleeping over at his house for the first time.

[23:59] And his dad seems like a cool nice guy.

[24:02] But kind of weird.

Stuart Wellington

[24:03] Then his balls fall out of his shorts.

[24:04] And you're like...

[24:05] Whoa.

[24:05] Should I say something?

[24:06] Or do I have to keep looking at him?

Elliott Kalan

[24:07] Because those things are the size of bowling balls.

[24:10] Does he have elephantiasis?

[24:11] He's got to go to the doctor.

[24:12] He's got to get that looked at him.

[24:14] Okay.

[24:14] Sir.

[24:15] Sir.

[24:16] Sir.

[24:16] Friends dad, I apologize for calling attention to him.

[24:20] When you guys...

[24:21] Thank you for the funyuns.

[24:23] I gotta go.

[24:24] I appreciate the za.

Stuart Wellington

[24:27] When you guys were in school...

[24:29] Testicularly.

[24:31] Testicularly yours.

[24:32] Me.

[24:33] And you had to spend time in the library.

[24:35] Had to.

[24:36] Wanted to.

[24:37] But like when you spent...

[24:38] Yeah.

[24:38] Thanks, Hermione.

[24:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] Reading is fundamental.

Stuart Wellington

[24:41] Barbara Bush said that.

[24:42] So when you spent time in the library, you guys looked up pictures of dudes with

[24:46] elephantiasis, right?

[24:48] Not really.

[24:49] No?

[24:50] That was like the first thing we did.

[24:51] There was one time...

Dan McCoy

[24:53] I mean, I looked in photography books for naked ladies.

[24:56] Is that...

[24:57] Kind of.

[24:57] But it's not like...

[24:58] You're not laughing at human misery.

[25:00] No, I'm not doing that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:01] There was one time when I remember going to my high school library to use the computer

[25:05] for research something.

[25:06] Probably some amazing topic like elephants or I don't know, a president or something.

[25:11] And the screen...

[25:13] Pressing a button so the screen saber would go off.

[25:15] And someone had just opened page after page of really gory like crime scene photos, accident

[25:21] photos.

[25:22] And I was like, this was not something I was ready for at the moment.

[25:26] More because...

[25:27] Less because of what was in the photos and more because like who was just sitting at a

[25:31] public computer in the library in the middle of the day looking up these pictures.

[25:35] But now looking back, it's probably like two teens were egging each other on.

[25:38] You know, like, oh, whoa, gross.

[25:41] Like, whereas in my head I immediately went to there being like, there's a serial killer

[25:44] who goes to the school.

Dan McCoy

[25:46] And he needed a midday fix.

[25:48] Or you have like a brick-like detective who's solving a crime.

[25:53] Brick-like in the movie Brick.

[25:54] Not just like a detective that's like a brick.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] Not a detective who is a brick.

[25:57] He's just compacted into a...

[25:58] He's a brick with a badge.

[26:00] Hey.

[26:02] Hey.

[26:02] He smashes crime.

[26:04] He goes...

[26:05] He always jumps through the window.

[26:06] That's how he gets to places.

[26:07] Sure.

[26:08] What was the crime?

Stuart Wellington

[26:10] Mortar one.

[26:12] That's terrible.

[26:13] Because he's a brick.

[26:14] Yeah, no.

[26:15] When you were talking about the idea of a bunch of college kids playing all the parts, that's

[26:20] the first thing I thought was brick.

[26:22] I was like, well, brick was pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[26:24] But that takes place out of high school.

[26:25] Now I know.

[26:26] That is a great movie.

[26:29] Anywho.

Stuart Wellington

[26:29] So we were saying...

[26:30] Stop trying to get on Rian Johnson's good side.

[26:32] I know that Star Wars Episode VIII, title to be determined.

[26:36] That's the title?

[26:37] Yeah, it's crazy.

[26:40] Attack of the TBD.

[26:41] Yeah.

[26:42] I know you're trying to get on his good side and try and get him on as a guest on this podcast.

[26:45] I mean, I've been trying to get on his good side for a long time.

[26:48] He's someone I've wanted to meet for a long...

[26:49] I've loved all of his movies.

[26:50] Yeah, like I was talking shit about Brothers Bloom because it isn't very good, but you

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] were like super defending it.

[26:55] I mean, I like Brothers Bloom a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[26:56] Yeah, and I'm like, that doesn't make sense because it's not a very good movie.

[26:59] And you guys were both like, oh, anything to get Rian Johnson on here.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] I mean, I don't love the narration of it.

[27:04] I think that's a little too twee as much as I love Ricky Jay, who does the narration in

[27:08] that, right?

[27:08] But I think it's a good movie.

[27:10] I like it, brother.

[27:10] Come on.

[27:11] Rian Johnson, come on the podcast and tell Stuart he's wrong about Brothers Bloom.

[27:14] Yeah, come on, Rian Johnson.

Dan McCoy

[27:15] I know you've been on Film Spotting.

[27:17] What do they got that we don't got?

Elliott Kalan

[27:18] Look, I know you like Looper and it's tie-in merchandise, Fruit Looper.

[27:21] That's when Duque and Sam had to go back and kill himself.

[27:26] Shit.

Stuart Wellington

[27:30] Yeah, we watched Tony the Tiger's arms and legs disappear.

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] This isn't great.

[27:37] Fruit Looper is like, if you want to murder yourself, just follow my nose.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] You like the Mad Magazine parody, Pooper.

[27:47] Sure, I love that.

[27:48] Damn, we're better than that.

[27:49] Come on.

[27:49] I don't think we are.

Elliott Kalan

[27:50] No, we were doing a great match.

[27:52] I hadn't even gotten to the point where we were talking about that one assassin who's cuckoo

[27:57] for Cocoa Puffs.

[27:58] No one wants to work with him.

Dan McCoy

[28:02] Yeah, but what happens next?

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] I forget.

[28:05] Where were we in the movie?

[28:06] So we weren't very far.

[28:07] So they've figured out that Nicolas Cage says to Elijah Wood, hey, there's this weird

[28:12] thing.

[28:12] We've got to figure it out.

[28:13] It becomes pretty clear to Elijah Wood, wait, are you trying to find out where this guy

[28:17] is getting his money from so that you can rob him?

[28:20] And Nicolas Cage is like, no, no, that's not, come on.

[28:22] That's not, I'm just, it's a weird case.

[28:24] We've got to look into it.

[28:25] It's just a mental exercise.

[28:26] I'm just trying to keep my mind sharp as a senior.

[28:30] It's like a Sudoku.

[28:31] I do a lot of word games.

[28:33] A lot of Sudoku.

[28:35] It's just all about keeping yourself busy because it's like a knife blade.

[28:39] You've got to keep sharpening it.

[28:40] The unused mind, that's what gets dull and blunt.

[28:43] So anyway, I've been taking a salsa class.

[28:45] You've just got to keep busy in your retirement.

[28:47] That's what.

[28:47] It's not what you think.

[28:48] If we make salsa.

[28:49] It's not a dancing class.

[28:51] We make salsa.

Dan McCoy

[28:52] You'd be surprised.

[28:53] The main components are just tomato, onions, and chili.

Elliott Kalan

[28:57] But I got to tell you, it's opened my eyes to how the same simple components can be

[29:02] arranged in so many different ways to make so many different combinations.

[29:06] So there's the salsa class.

[29:08] That's Monday nights.

Stuart Wellington

[29:08] Sounds like you're confusing metaphor with real life when you say you keep the knife blade

[29:12] sharp, meaning your mind.

[29:13] But you're also keeping the knife blade sharp for your salsa.

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] That's a good point because you're not going to be able to cut through the tomato unless

[29:20] your knife is sharp.

[29:20] You want one of those ginsu knives that can cut both the tomato and the can and the shoe.

[29:24] Because what if you want to make a salsa with the shoe in it or a salsa with the can

[29:28] in it?

[29:28] You can do that.

[29:29] Salsa.

[29:29] It just means sauce.

[29:30] It just means sauce.

[29:32] So you can do anything in it.

[29:33] You just put anything in it.

[29:34] Did you know that?

[29:35] Salsa means sauce?

[29:36] All this time I thought salsa.

[29:37] It's like sopa.

[29:38] I mean, soup.

[29:39] I thought they were serving me soap.

[29:40] That's why I never ordered it on the menu.

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:42] Because I don't want soap.

[29:43] That's not something you eat.

[29:44] It's something you wash with.

[29:46] So I was like, why?

[29:46] And I go to this restaurant.

[29:47] I'm not going to order something to wash with.

[29:49] Do they have a shower in the back?

[29:50] Because I didn't see it when I used the restroom or the bagno, as they would call it.

[29:54] It's the fucking Nicolas Cage monologue.

[29:59] So I guess what I'm saying is you're always learning something new in this life.

[30:03] And that's how you stay eternally young, forever young, like Mel Gibson in that movie.

[30:07] So you freeze yourself.

[30:08] Is that the one where his face got all burned up?

[30:11] No.

[30:11] It's called Mr. Melty Face.

[30:13] You're probably thinking of Mr. Melty Face, which was a sequel to The Man Without a Face,

[30:18] where he gets a surgery to have a face.

[30:20] And unfortunately, they give him a melty face.

[30:22] And he changes his name to Mr. Melty Face to kind of own it.

[30:25] And we were really inspired by that when we made Face Off.

[30:28] Because I thought about how Mel Gibson would probably want to take that face off.

[30:32] And I went to my friend John Woo, or as I call him, Johnny Woo.

[30:35] And I said, well, I think there's a real movie in here about a guy who takes his face off.

[30:39] And John says, this is what makes him a genius.

[30:42] What if he put the face on somebody else's face?

[30:45] And I was like, that's an amazing idea.

Dan McCoy

[30:47] Before that, you were just going to take it off and put it in a bowl somewhere?

Stuart Wellington

[30:51] Yeah.

[30:52] Yeah, just would it make an object to art out of it?

[30:54] Because what if that bowl started committing crimes?

[30:57] And then it's like, my face is committing these crimes on the bowl.

[31:00] And I don't know what to do.

[31:01] People are going to be like, hey, there's Nicolas Cage over there.

[31:03] And you're like, that's just a bowl with my face on it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] I'm like, no, no, that's just my face.

[31:06] Look at me.

[31:07] It's hard to look at me because I don't have a face.

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] My wife is confused.

[31:09] Is that my husband or a bowl with a face on it?

Elliott Kalan

[31:11] And you've got to bring in Brick Detective, because it takes an inanimate object to catch an inanimate object.

[31:18] And so they start working together and they realize that he is involved with some kind of criminal laundromat.

Dan McCoy

[31:24] You do that so long, it's weird to hear your normal voice.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] Yeah, yeah.

[31:27] It feels weird to talk in this way.

[31:30] And imagine if I just kept talking like that and I go home, I walk in, it's late, because we record this late at night.

[31:36] My wife is asleep.

[31:38] Thanks for, you want to paint the rest of the picture?

[31:39] We're in Dan's apartment.

[31:41] It's a little dim, kind of a sexy way.

[31:43] Yeah.

[31:44] In fact, Dan, turn on that saxophone music over there.

[31:49] Oh, wait, Baker Street?

[31:50] It's just Jerry Ravity.

[31:52] That's not sexy.

[31:54] It speaks to me of regrets.

[31:56] Who says?

[31:57] All right.

[31:58] Who says?

[32:00] I mean, it makes me think of like wet pavement underneath a streetlight.

[32:03] No, when Dan's sexier than that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:05] The only sexier saxophone is that shirtless guy in The Lost Boys who plays saxophone on the beach.

Dan McCoy

[32:11] Let me demand the only other saxophone thing that anyone knows.

Elliott Kalan

[32:18] That's way sexier.

[32:20] Oh, let's see, that's sexier, yeah.

[32:22] All right.

[32:22] So anyway, I'm going to walk in and I'm going to say to my wife, she's going to be half asleep.

[32:26] I'm going to say, honey, I'm back.

[32:28] I'm just going to get him to bed.

[32:29] And she would be so scared.

[32:31] Yeah.

[32:31] She'd have no idea who was talking to her.

[32:33] No, no, this is just how I talk now.

[32:35] She wouldn't immediately recognize it.

Dan McCoy

[32:36] She stabs you with that knife that she keeps underneath her pillow.

Elliott Kalan

[32:38] Yeah, her bed knife.

[32:39] Well, that's just where the knife fairy can come and bring her in, Nicole.

Stuart Wellington

[32:42] Yeah, do you think Police Academy's Michael Winslow ever has that kind of trouble where he gets into bed and he has a dropped character and she's like,

[32:52] is a helicopter getting in bed with me?

[32:56] How many bleeps and creeps are getting in here?

Elliott Kalan

[32:59] That wasn't Michael Winslow who did that part, was it?

[33:01] He did do that part.

[33:05] So Elijah Wood and Nicolas Cage find that it's all this, there's some laundromat that has a meat freezer place.

[33:13] There's some place that things are being, criminal stuff is being delivered to.

[33:17] And they recently, Elijah Wood.

[33:20] Everything goes in, nothing goes out.

[33:21] Like the Roach Motel.

[33:22] And Elijah Wood has bribed his way into finding blueprints for the place that show that.

[33:26] Take all those bloops.

[33:29] In the biz.

[33:30] He gets some bloops and practical jokes.

[33:32] He finds that they've recently installed an enormous vault.

[33:37] So they're hiding something good.

[33:38] A vault of horror.

[33:39] And the only way to get in is for them to buy a special diamond-tipped drill from Germany.

[33:44] And to get the money to do that, Elijah Wood has to go with a dirty cop played by...

[33:49] Ethan Supley.

[33:50] Ethan Supley to shake down a...

Dan McCoy

[33:53] From Butterfly Effect, right?

Stuart Wellington

[33:54] My name is Earl.

[33:55] My name is Earl.

[33:56] I mean, I think Butterfly Effect was what?

[33:58] Put him on the map.

Dan McCoy

[34:01] I guess so.

[34:01] I remember when Supley Mania swept the nation.

Stuart Wellington

[34:03] What was great about that is that it gave him an opportunity to play that character in a bunch of different outfits.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:09] Well, weird thing is...

[34:10] There's like a goth version.

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] So I heard I was going to make a movie with Supley, and I was like, that sounds delicious.

[34:14] I love soup.

[34:15] And it turns out it was a guy.

[34:17] So like, sopa means soup.

[34:19] It's not soap.

[34:19] But Supley is not soup.

[34:20] It's a guy.

[34:21] Yeah.

[34:22] I can't...

[34:23] It's like you're always learning new things.

[34:24] You can't take anything for granted in this world.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] I guess that's how you stay young, right, Nick?

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] Yeah.

[34:28] It's how you really keep your mind fresh.

[34:30] I guess the only cage is the one you build around your mind.

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] So do you think Jerry...

[34:34] Just wondering.

[34:36] Jerry Lewis.

[34:36] Do you think he did the movie just so he could meet Frodo Beckins?

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] Yeah, probably.

[34:42] Yeah, I assume Jerry Lewis is a huge...

[34:43] Why do you change voices?

[34:44] You ruin the illusion.

[34:46] I assume Jerry Lewis is a huge Lord of the Rings fan.

Dan McCoy

[34:50] I can just...

[34:51] I can actually just imagine Jerry Lewis and Lord of the Rings being like, what is this bullshit?

[34:58] I don't have time for that.

[34:59] Like, there's short people...

[35:00] I mean, that was essentially my dad's reaction.

[35:02] Short people in a ring.

[35:04] You can't make a movie about short people who gotta dispose of a ring.

[35:09] They just want to throw the roaming ring in the trash.

[35:11] Just give it to...

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] Jerry Lewis is like, just give it to Tom Bombadil.

[35:16] They're like, no, Jerry, we gotta explain to you why that's not...

[35:19] Why you can't really do that.

[35:20] He's so absent-minded.

[35:22] He'll just lose it.

Dan McCoy

[35:22] Nice hobbits.

[35:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:25] Neither of us is doing great, Jerry Lewis.

[35:26] No, we're not.

[35:27] That was Jackie Gleason you were just doing.

[35:30] That's good hobbits.

[35:31] That's Johnny Carson doing Jackie Gleason.

Dan McCoy

[35:35] Yeah.

[35:36] All right.

[35:37] This is not a rich vein.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] It's a rich little.

[35:40] Anyway, moving on, because they're impressions.

[35:43] They decide they're gonna bust into this vault, but they're both doing things that are compromising

[35:49] them ethically and morally.

[35:51] Yeah.

[35:51] Busting doesn't necessarily make them feel good.

[35:54] Elijah Wood is shaking down another drug area for money.

[35:58] Nicolas Cage buys some illegal guns and then just shoots and kills the gun dealer.

Stuart Wellington

[36:03] That's kind of when we see a turn.

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:06] Up until this point, you're like, this is a lighthearted caper where...

[36:10] And a very enjoyable one.

[36:11] I'll just say, a very enjoyable one.

[36:13] Offbeat characters are gonna rip off some criminals, and because they're robbing criminals,

[36:19] you don't feel too bad about it.

[36:20] It's almost like a faceless criminal enterprise.

[36:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:23] And we're rooting for them because they're kind of doofs.

[36:25] Nicolas Cage is not slick, he's not cool, he's just kind of a doof.

[36:29] But at the moment he kills that gun dealer, you're like, wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[36:32] And we're starting to get the impression that some of Nicolas Cage's weirdness could be

[36:37] an act.

[36:39] Well, yeah, he's an actor.

[36:42] Yeah, I guess.

[36:43] I mean, you got me there.

[36:45] You know he wasn't really robbing a place, right?

[36:48] It was a movie?

[36:49] Wait, so it wasn't just a camera crew following him around?

[36:51] No, no.

[36:52] Like in Man Bites Dog?

Elliott Kalan

[36:53] Like a Man Bites Dog situation.

[36:55] I'm glad both our minds went to Man Bites Dog.

[36:58] Yeah.

[36:58] And not any number of real documentaries about people being followed by camera crews.

[37:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] So, but like, there's some great little moments, like when there's a confusion as to who picked

[37:10] up the van and Elijah Wood's freaking out because he's like, I thought you were supposed

[37:14] to pick up the van.

[37:14] We're supposed to do this tomorrow and you didn't pick up the van.

[37:17] And Nicolas Cage reveals that he was messing around all along.

[37:20] That it's just a classic Cage.

[37:22] Just jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] Just a pre-heist joke.

[37:25] Joke.

[37:26] Just jokes.

[37:27] And so Nicolas Cage is seeming less on the ball, the character, as we go forward.

[37:33] And Elijah Wood is getting a little creeped out, but he's still drawn to doing it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:36] And it's coupled with Elijah Wood's performance up to this point the whole time is a little

[37:41] bit like, he's acting like he's on fucking LSD the whole time and seeing things that nobody

[37:46] else is seeing a little bit.

[37:48] Yeah.

[37:48] Like Dr. Gonzo was waiting off screen to be like, hey dude, let's go do this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] So they go to perform this heist, which involves them going to the building where the vault

[38:03] is, breaking into, or I guess getting into the apartment above it and drilling down through

[38:08] the top of the vault.

[38:09] Now there's two people in that apartment, an older guy and a woman.

[38:13] And things go bad almost instantly in that Elijah Wood goes out to get something.

[38:18] And when he comes back, he finds Nicolas Cage has killed the man.

Dan McCoy

[38:21] Yeah, the man spit on Nicolas Cage.

[38:23] We see this.

[38:25] And Elijah Wood comes back in and Nicolas Cage is like, did you hear anything?

[38:30] And we know immediately Nicolas Cage has shot the guy and is testing to see whether Elijah

[38:35] Wood heard him shoot him with the silencer.

[38:38] And Nicolas Cage, rather than being like, oh, he spit on me, so I shot him.

[38:42] He's like, oh, he tried to escape.

[38:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] And things go from tense to tensor as they try to break into this vault.

[38:50] They got to drill through a floor.

[38:52] The woman is not happy that they're there and killed someone she shares an apartment

[38:55] with.

[38:56] And so that's tense.

[38:57] And things are just not as friendly between Elijah Wood and Nicolas Cage.

[39:01] It's a tense situation, you know?

[39:02] You got to have a foundation built on communication, trust, and respect.

[39:07] And it is so hard for me not to start singing the Megadeth song, Trust, which Stuart and I

[39:12] sang a couple times while we were watching the movie.

[39:13] Awesome.

[39:14] Cryptic writings.

[39:15] And so things are a little tense between them.

[39:19] Long story short, they get into the vault and there's a long sequence.

[39:24] Yeah, they pull a real bank job on it.

[39:25] There's a long sequence of them cracking the safe with looking at the tumblers.

[39:30] And yeah, it goes on forever.

Dan McCoy

[39:32] I mean, you were losing interest, but I would say it's a pretty suspenseful little sequence.

[39:37] Okay.

[39:38] If you were not watching it with the three of us, the three of us, the two of us, the

[39:44] three total.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] So if I was watching it just as a disembodied soul without me or you guys.

[39:50] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[39:51] If you were on the astral plane watching it.

[39:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] So Stephen Strange just pulled me out of my body so we could watch the Trust together.

[39:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:58] And you could focus on it more.

[39:59] I think you would have enjoyed it more.

Stuart Wellington

[40:01] That's why he goes into the astral plane so he can focus on movies better.

Elliott Kalan

[40:05] So I will admit that in heist movies, the actual heist is usually my least favorite part

[40:11] of the movie.

[40:12] I love seeing them planning and bringing the team together.

Stuart Wellington

[40:15] Yeah, you love seeing when they bring a team together where they're like, I guess we're

[40:19] going to go to the Savage Land and get this dinosaur cowboy.

[40:22] We need the best damn dinosaur cowboy to go line this heist.

[40:26] You know it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] That's my favorite part.

[40:29] But like, it's the movie Sexy Beast.

Stuart Wellington

[40:31] Let's go to Mars and find this moon man.

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] Our heist needs a dinosaur cowboy, a moon man, a mermaid who's also a cop, and we need a

[40:41] gazelle that knows how to deal blackjack.

[40:44] And we need three alligators, two of whom are deaf and one of whom is a priest.

[40:48] Okay.

[40:49] And then we can pull off the greatest heist in the history of heists.

[40:52] But like, one of the things I like about Sexy Beast is that the heist takes up almost

[40:56] none of the movie.

[40:57] It's about the dynamic between these characters.

[41:01] But, so that's just on me, that I was not that interested in the mechanics of the heist

[41:05] once they were pulling off.

Stuart Wellington

[41:06] It's mainly just Ray Winstone hanging out by a pool, right?

[41:09] Which is pretty, and a boulder falling down.

[41:11] Broiling.

Elliott Kalan

[41:13] Thank you.

[41:14] With the exception of Rafifi.

[41:17] Yeah.

[41:18] Where there's that 30 minute no dialogue heist sequence, which is actually really cool.

[41:23] But, anyway, besides all that.

[41:26] So, things are going crazy.

[41:27] They get into the safe finally, and what do they find in there?

[41:31] Like, white walls.

Dan McCoy

[41:32] Yeah, it's like they walked into a fucking alien space.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] And there was part of me that was like, is this going to turn into a spaceship?

[41:39] Because I would kind of like that.

[41:41] But, no, it's just full of diamonds.

[41:43] It's one of those, they're all like panels where you press on them and they open up and

[41:46] there's diamonds and diamonds and diamonds in there.

[41:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:48] So, we press on diamonds.

[41:49] Mm-hmm.

[41:50] Yeah.

[41:51] Elizabeth Taylor walked by and said, these have always brought me luck and took her earrings

[41:55] off and put them in the vault.

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] And she did that like 10,000 times.

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] Because they need a lot of luck, you know.

[42:03] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] And, yeah, the-

[42:04] What stakes is that fucking dude playing cards for when he can just throw those fucking

[42:09] diamonds in there?

[42:10] He should just take the diamonds and walk off with them.

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:12] Yeah, I'm assuming the other people are like, fuck, I fold.

[42:16] You've got Elizabeth Taylor.

[42:17] You win automatically.

[42:18] Luck diamonds.

Dan McCoy

[42:19] This place is so lousy with diamonds that Elijah Wood is like, uh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:24] Mm-mm.

[42:26] This seems a little more serious than I expected.

Dan McCoy

[42:29] And, uh, he starts thinking like Nicolas Cage, you must have known something ahead of

[42:33] time.

[42:34] Like-

[42:34] Yeah, this is too perfect.

[42:35] He gets cold feet.

Stuart Wellington

[42:36] Like, that doesn't, I guess, surprise me in some level when you consider the enormity

[42:41] of the crime.

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] And that he realizes this is a- if these kinds of diamonds are here in these numbers, this

[42:46] is a richer, more powerful gang than we realized, and they're not going to just let us walk away

[42:53] with these diamonds.

[42:53] So he starts telling Nick Cage, let's just leave it.

[42:57] Let's not keep any of it.

[42:58] Let's just go.

[42:59] And that leads to an argument, of course.

Dan McCoy

[43:02] Yeah.

[43:03] A friendly argument.

[43:04] Just an exchange of words.

Elliott Kalan

[43:05] And a friendly argument which involves Nicolas Cage pointing a gun at Elijah Wood.

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:09] As we've all wanted to do when we've seen those Wilfred commercials.

Stuart Wellington

[43:14] Yeah.

[43:15] Just pointing at the camera.

[43:17] Or wait, the TV.

[43:18] The television.

Dan McCoy

[43:19] Or my 35 millimeter camera that I have sitting around.

Stuart Wellington

[43:23] You're like, stop taking bad pictures of me.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] Long story short.

[43:29] You got a camera.

[43:30] Add 10 pounds, will you?

[43:32] I'll fucking- I'll shoot 10 pounds off of you.

[43:35] I'll add 10 pounds of leg.

[43:36] Wow.

[43:37] These bullets are enormous.

Stuart Wellington

[43:37] That's what they said to RoboCop.

[43:39] They said to Alex Murphy, right?

[43:41] That's right.

[43:42] I'm going to shoot 10 pounds off you.

Elliott Kalan

[43:43] Then they blasted way more than 10 pounds off him.

[43:45] They removed his arms and legs.

[43:47] That is the most absurd beginning to a movie.

Dan McCoy

[43:50] Oh, the first time I saw RoboCop, I was so disgusted by that.

Stuart Wellington

[43:54] That whole scene is gross.

[43:56] That is amazing.

[43:57] They are setting- they're giving you an understanding of what the bad guys are capable of.

[44:01] I would consider it genius.

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] I mean, it is genius, but the fact that-

Stuart Wellington

[44:04] It's possibly the best way to open a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] When they blast his limbs, his limbs fly off like he's a crash test dummy.

Dan McCoy

[44:13] I'm sorry you're like a master of physics slash anatomy, Elliot.

[44:17] I mean, I love how crazy Paul Verhoeven is, but at the same time, you watch it and you're

[44:22] like, my God, that they've salvaged anything from this man.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Yeah, that's the wonders of modern science.

[44:29] Yeah.

[44:30] It makes it all the worst-

[44:31] His desire to be a really good cop and dad just kind of holds them together.

[44:34] It makes it all the worst when they remove his other arm while he's still incapacitated,

[44:38] when he's in the lab, you know?

[44:40] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[44:41] That's why you don't feel that-

[44:42] That's why you kind of forgive him for blowing the dude's dick off later on.

Elliott Kalan

[44:47] Because you're like, he knows what that's like.

[44:49] Yeah, he's got a pretty rough name.

[44:50] Hey, he who has never had his limbs blown off cast the first stone on this one.

Stuart Wellington

[44:54] He's just going to shoot that purple's dick right off.

[44:57] Forgot that perpses are purple.

Dan McCoy

[44:58] And then that scene in Showgirls when they blast all of Elizabeth Berkley's limbs off,

[45:04] that was just going too far, too.

Stuart Wellington

[45:05] Yep, but when she came back as Lady Terminator-

[45:08] Wait, no, Lady Robo Stripper.

[45:12] I guess.

[45:13] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] Nice stripping, son.

[45:16] What's your name?

[45:17] Berkeley.

[45:18] Berkeley.

[45:19] Like, that's the actress's name.

[45:22] Wait, so are you-

Stuart Wellington

[45:23] Elizabeth, can we take that over again?

[45:25] I thought your name was Naomi.

[45:26] Rack it.

[45:27] Take it from the top.

[45:27] Take it from the back.

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] What's your-

[45:29] Nice, nice-

[45:30] Sound, speed.

[45:31] Nice-dreamin', son.

[45:32] What's your name?

[45:33] Jesse Spano.

[45:34] No, that's okay.

[45:35] It's at least a character you played.

[45:37] I understand how you'd get-

[45:38] It'd be hard to get out of that role since you played it for years on television as part of the TNBC lineup.

[45:44] Wow, what an understanding, uh-

[45:46] First thing, I guess, director?

[45:47] I guess it's Paul Verhoeven who's saying, I understand how you played the character for so long on the TNBC lineup before California Dreams.

[45:56] I see.

[45:56] I don't know what Paul Verhoeven sounds like.

Stuart Wellington

[45:58] I assume like that.

[46:00] Yeah, like somebody who loves California Dreams.

[46:02] So they were a band?

[46:03] So, was they for such a talented band fight?

Elliott Kalan

[46:06] Did they say in school?

[46:07] Was it because they wanted a fallback career in case the music industry did not recognize their genius?

Stuart Wellington

[46:14] Or possibly just like America's love affair with California would have maybe went away?

[46:21] Would have went away.

[46:24] Yeah, maybe people weren't tired of like California style, like avocado on everything.

[46:29] Oh, don't get me started on that.

Dan McCoy

[46:31] That's a crime.

[46:32] Against burgers.

[46:35] For a second, I was like-

[46:37] Are we talking about the trust?

[46:38] For a second, I was like, can I actually remember Elizabeth Berkley's character?

[46:44] It's Naomi, right?

[46:45] Yeah, it's Nomi Malone.

Elliott Kalan

[46:45] Oh, Nomi.

[46:46] She's playing Klaus Nomi Malone.

[46:48] Yeah.

[46:50] She's playing the kind of androgynous robot man.

Dan McCoy

[46:52] I was like, can I remember?

[46:53] Then I'm like, of course I can remember.

[46:55] Come on.

[46:55] How many times have you seen that movie?

[46:56] Of course I 100% can remember her character.

[46:57] Now, what was the name of the show that she stars in?

[46:59] And you're like 10 beers deep, right?

[47:01] And you remembered that.

[47:02] It's like Spectacle or something.

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:03] Or Volcano.

[47:04] It's like, oh God.

[47:07] Avocado.

[47:08] It's like Aphrodite or something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[47:10] Yeah.

[47:11] Now, here's what I don't-

[47:12] I've never seen like a Las Vegas showgirl show.

[47:14] I've never been to Las Vegas.

[47:16] But so that show-

[47:17] Let's rectify that right now.

[47:18] I've been to Vegas.

[47:19] Let's keep rolling the podcast.

[47:20] Let's just get a car.

[47:21] So the show has both like a volcano, dawn of time number, and also some kind of leather motorcycle,

[47:27] it's the 80s of the future, you know, number.

[47:30] What kind of show is this?

[47:31] Is there a story or it's just random scenes?

[47:34] It's just tableaus.

[47:35] And those are the only two scenes we see, right?

[47:37] So is that the whole show?

Stuart Wellington

[47:38] It's all about titillation, dude.

[47:40] Like you take your squeeze to the show, you get a little bit worked up watching them volcanoes,

[47:45] and then you head back to your room.

Dan McCoy

[47:46] Yeah, I don't imagine there's a story that links those things.

[47:49] Like, I mean, when I was in Vegas, I saw Penn and Teller.

[47:52] I didn't see like some like-

[47:54] So did they take their clothes off?

[47:55] They did not.

[47:56] They were not topless.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] But when I was-

[47:58] I actually did see Penn and Teller do a show where they took their clothes off.

[48:00] Really?

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:02] They did a bit where they wanted to prove that they weren't hiding anything on their bodies.

[48:05] So they had a thing in front of them, and they took off all their clothes,

[48:10] and they brought up an elderly couple that was in the audience to go behind the kind of half curtain

[48:14] like that that was covering them from the waist down to attest to the fact that they were naked.

[48:19] And I just remember Penn saying, you want to check under Little Houdini?

[48:23] Let me lift up Little Houdini.

[48:25] You want to check under Little Houdini?

[48:26] And my mother, who had taken my brother and my sister and I to see the show,

[48:28] because we'd seen Penn and Teller before.

[48:30] We loved them.

[48:30] My mother being like, that's too far.

Stuart Wellington

[48:33] She didn't care for the Little Houdini line.

[48:35] But your brother David was loving it.

[48:37] Oh, he was loving it.

[48:38] He was lapping that shit up.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] He was like, this is even better than sports.

[48:40] He was like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[48:41] So funny.

[48:42] I love naked magic.

[48:43] Anyway.

[48:44] So tension is at an all-time high between Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood.

[48:49] They are really representing our nation in that they're divided.

[48:53] And so Elijah Wood takes pity on the woman hostage that they have and allows her to call someone

[49:00] because she says she has, what, a child?

Dan McCoy

[49:01] She has a child.

[49:02] And she's like, I got to call his father and let him know.

Elliott Kalan

[49:06] And when Nicolas Cage comes back, he's talked to Elijah Wood about how,

[49:09] I already bought the plane tickets for the two of us to go fly off on a beach vacation together.

[49:13] We're best buds now.

[49:15] Yeah.

[49:15] It's a real George and Lenny relationship in some ways.

[49:18] And Elijah Wood shoots Nicolas Cage as he's walking back.

[49:21] Elijah Wood's not having any of it.

Dan McCoy

[49:22] No.

[49:22] He does not believe that Nicolas Cage is his friend.

[49:25] Like, he believes that Nicolas Cage is going to set him up.

[49:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:28] And that there's more to this than meets the eye,

[49:31] that maybe Nicolas Cage is a transformer.

[49:32] And he shoots him, and Nicolas Cage falls down dead,

[49:36] and he's got the plane tickets in his hand.

[49:39] No.

[49:40] He was telling the truth the whole time.

[49:42] Elijah Wood decides he's going to drive this hostage out into the middle of nowhere

[49:47] and let her go.

Dan McCoy

[49:47] I mean, and he's not going to take any of the fucking diamonds,

[49:50] because he's a real fucking chump.

Elliott Kalan

[49:52] And he puts all the diamonds back.

[49:53] But hey, it wouldn't have mattered if he did take the diamonds anyway,

[49:56] because while he's out in the middle of the highway,

[49:58] his car is surrounded by vans, and he's shot to death.

[50:01] And the woman gets out of the stuff that they tied her up in,

[50:04] and it's clear she was part of this gang the whole time.

Dan McCoy

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:07] Yeah, the phone number that Elijah Wood had written on his hand

[50:12] to let this woman call is the same as the phone number on the back of this van.

[50:17] So the woman has signaled these people to come kill him.

[50:22] To come stop Elijah Wood.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Yeah.

[50:23] And then their belongings are taken by the evidence people.

[50:28] Yep.

[50:29] And put away in the very evidence management locker they themselves worked in.

Stuart Wellington

[50:34] By top men, I'd imagine.

[50:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] Thus, the ironic end to the trust.

Stuart Wellington

[50:42] So, wait a minute.

[50:43] So, Nicolas Cage got Elijah Wood a plane ticket.

[50:48] Wouldn't he have to find out a shitload of information about it?

Elliott Kalan

[50:50] Yeah, like his birthday, his travel number, who knows?

[50:54] I mean, at...

[50:55] Yeah, he wants to get those miles, right?

[50:56] Yeah, he wants to find out whether he's like...

[50:58] It's all about miles, double miles, yeah.

[51:00] Does he have that global pass?

[51:02] Does he want the kosher meal?

Stuart Wellington

[51:04] Yeah.

[51:04] I mean, they're going to the Bahamas.

[51:06] You want the kosher meal when you fly to the Bahamas.

[51:08] So you're saying there's a scene where...

Elliott Kalan

[51:08] Are they going to Nassau?

[51:10] Yeah, the Nassau Coliseum.

[51:12] So there's a scene where Nicolas Cage is at his computer being like, oh, so what?

[51:16] Hold on.

[51:17] Is he going to want an aisle seat or a window seat?

[51:20] Nobody wants a window.

[51:21] Well, that would not be out of place in the first two-thirds of this movie.

[51:24] That's true.

[51:25] In the first two-thirds of this movie, should we just go to final judgments?

Dan McCoy

[51:29] We're going to the final judgments.

[51:30] Is this a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie you kind of like?

Elliott Kalan

[51:35] For the first two-thirds, this is a movie I kind of liked.

[51:38] It was Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood playing characters who are not so quirky that it was obvious and artificial,

[51:45] but they were bringing their own personal styles to these characters.

[51:48] Yeah.

[51:49] And it was kind of like a...

[51:50] And it was a light heist setup movie.

[51:53] And then when it took a turn into the more intense and serious,

[51:56] it lost me more out of it just feeling more generic at that point.

[52:00] It wasn't like, oh, I've betrayed.

[52:02] I came to love these characters, and now they're bad.

[52:05] It was more like, oh, okay.

[52:07] Like, I've seen this movie before.

[52:08] I haven't necessarily seen a Nicolas Cage, Elijah Wood, goofy guy heist movie before.

[52:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:14] I'm going to go ahead and say that this is a movie that I liked.

[52:17] I wouldn't even say kind of liked.

[52:18] I liked it.

[52:19] Yeah, I genuinely liked the parts that I liked.

Elliott Kalan

[52:21] I would say, you know what?

[52:22] And they were enough for the whole movie.

[52:23] I agree with Dan.

Dan McCoy

[52:24] I mean, like, the ending of the movie is a little too generic.

[52:29] Like, you know, like, I feel bad because I did like the movie.

[52:33] I kind of feel bad giving spoilers for it because it's a movie that I kind of feel like,

[52:38] if you're into B-level thrillers, like, very stripped down, silly thrillers.

[52:45] Like, I could see you actually having an enjoyment of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:48] This is a good, sick home from work movie.

Dan McCoy

[52:51] Yeah.

[52:52] So I feel a little bit bad spoiling it.

[52:55] But at the end where everyone dies, like, I kind of feel a little, eh, whatever.

[53:05] You know, they're trying to do like a blood simple neo-noir where it's a downbeat ending.

[53:11] One of your Red Rock Wests.

[53:12] Yeah, but it doesn't.

Stuart Wellington

[53:13] Also starring Nicolas Cage.

[53:15] Yeah, there you go.

Dan McCoy

[53:16] It doesn't quite gel.

[53:18] I mean, I enjoy the ironic end of the stuff being bagged up.

[53:22] That's fine.

[53:23] Although you can kind of see it coming from a mile away.

[53:25] But other than that, I had a really good time watching this movie, actually.

Stuart Wellington

[53:30] I.

[53:31] So there's some really great little moments in the early scenes of the movie.

[53:36] Like, I love the scene where they're having a conversation in that, like, weird casino diner or something.

[53:43] Yeah.

[53:43] And Elijah Wood's wondering whether or not the guy at the end of the bar is getting a handjob from the woman.

[53:49] And he's like, uh, it's hard to tell because he's eating right now.

[53:54] Which is just a kind of, you know, it's a funny moment.

Elliott Kalan

[53:57] There's a part where he's laid out in tape a layout of the building they're trying to bring into.

[54:01] Which is kind of great.

Stuart Wellington

[54:02] I like that scene, too.

Elliott Kalan

[54:03] And Nicolas Cage is like, well, what's this over here?

Stuart Wellington

[54:05] And he goes, uh, a bee flew in my face while I was doing that part.

[54:08] That's nothing.

[54:09] Like, that stuff's pretty good.

[54:11] Yeah.

[54:11] The, I'd like to, if they're really trying to sell the idea that, uh, that Elijah Wood's character has become a little bit too, uh.

[54:21] Cool?

[54:22] No.

[54:23] For school.

[54:24] He's not too cool for school.

[54:26] Too cool for stool?

[54:26] It's that he's.

[54:27] What about stool?

[54:28] He stops going to the bathroom.

[54:30] He's just constipated.

[54:31] Yeah, he's just.

[54:31] Hey, my doctor says I'm too cool for stool.

[54:33] No, you're backed up.

[54:34] Too cool.

[54:35] Too cool.

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] Too school?

[54:36] Is he too school?

[54:37] Too school for cool.

[54:38] That's me.

[54:38] I'm too school for cool.

[54:39] I'll just say it.

[54:40] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[54:41] L.A. used a time turner to get in extra classes.

[54:43] Is he too cool for tool?

[54:46] The rock band?

[54:47] That's fucking insane, dude.

[54:48] What a band.

[54:50] They're a little bit heavy.

[54:52] They're a little bit melody.

[54:53] He's too cool for school.

[54:54] What a singer that's Maynard James Keenan, fella.

[54:58] Is his name Maynard?

[54:59] Maynard James Keenan.

[54:59] I use Maynard G. Krabs.

[55:02] I guess, yeah.

[55:03] I mean, it's a similar first name.

[55:07] Yeah, like your first name's Daniel, and there's also a Daniel Craig, a Daniel Webster.

[55:11] Wait, wait.

[55:12] Daniel McCoy, like Daniel Tiger?

[55:14] The cartoon tiger?

Elliott Kalan

[55:17] Are you guys related?

Stuart Wellington

[55:20] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[55:21] Like the book of Daniel?

[55:22] Did you write that?

[55:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:24] That he's become, like, isolated and caught up in his head, and he's jumping at shadows.

[55:30] I don't feel like they didn't really sell that enough for me to make him turn on somebody who, at this point, we're supposed to assume is his friend.

Elliott Kalan

[55:39] And who he's really not had any reason to doubt up until this point.

[55:43] Like, he's, the idea that he.

[55:45] I guess he did kill, Nicholas Keenan did kill someone.

Stuart Wellington

[55:47] I mean, he doubts some of his motivations, but the idea that he hasn't really had a moment of, like, dude, you've got to stop killing people.

[55:54] Yeah.

[55:55] And there's a great little scene where they're eating sandwiches by the giant drill while they're drilling into the building, and he's like, will they change the sandwich?

[56:05] Uh, I approve.

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] There's a lot of, the overall plot is nothing special or unique, but there's a lot of little moments in it that are genuinely funny.

[56:14] And Nicolas Cage and Elijah Wood sell those really well.

[56:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:17] There's a part, in the beginning, they're going.

[56:19] So, also a movie I kind of like.

Elliott Kalan

[56:20] They're at a crime scene, and Elijah Wood just starts playing, what, like a drum beat on something he finds there?

[56:27] But.

Elliott Kalan

[56:28] Yeah.

[56:28] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[56:29] Yeah, movie we liked.

[56:33] And now it's time for letters from listeners.

[56:35] Listeners like you, perhaps.

[56:37] Did you write a letter?

[56:38] Then you might be one of the letters.

[56:41] But probably not.

Elliott Kalan

[56:41] Wait, they'll be one of the letters?

Dan McCoy

[56:43] Yeah, they'll be one of the letters.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] So, wait, is this a flat Stanley type situation where they folded themselves up into an envelope and mailed themselves to us?

Stuart Wellington

[56:50] Yeah.

[56:50] Is that so that flat Stanley could murder people when he came out of the envelopes?

Elliott Kalan

[56:54] Oh, it's interesting.

[56:55] They couldn't find a way for the killer to get in except this mail slot.

[56:59] But who could fit through a mail slot?

[57:02] Police are on the lookout for a flat Stanley.

[57:05] Mm-hmm.

[57:06] An F. Stanley.

[57:09] Subject is flat.

[57:11] And they finally catch him.

[57:13] They do the facing forward mugshot and the profile mugshot, and you can't even see him in the profile mugshot.

Stuart Wellington

[57:19] Yeah, it's great.

[57:19] And they put him in a regular style cage, and he just fucking slips right out, bro.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] Put him in a regular style Nicolas cage.

[57:25] So I've got to swallow this guy so he can't escape.

[57:28] Whatever you need, officer.

[57:30] I'm here to serve you as a citizen.

[57:32] It's back to flat land with you, my boy.

[57:35] The conceptual...

[57:37] Tell it to Abbott.

[57:38] ...novella.

[57:41] You'll be telling bored middle schoolers about different dimensions soon.

Dan McCoy

[57:47] I don't know if my Irish cop is turning into a Swedish chef.

[57:52] Anyway, the point is, it's time for letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[57:55] Letter time.

[57:57] Letter time.

[58:00] It's letter time with Cage Miss.

[58:05] Do-do-do-do.

[58:06] Silver bells.

[58:08] Write us letters.

[58:11] We got a letter from a bell.

[58:14] Wow.

[58:15] Cage Miss time.

[58:16] Okay.

[58:18] Poorly thought out rhymes.

[58:21] Making it up as I go along.

[58:25] Oh, wait.

[58:26] You don't write these down?

[58:27] Cage Miss time.

[58:29] Letter slime.

[58:31] That is the end of the song.

[58:34] All right.

Dan McCoy

[58:34] Well, Stuart and I can stop looking at the alcohol by volume on our beers.

Stuart Wellington

[58:39] Oh, yeah.

[58:39] That's not bad.

Dan McCoy

[58:43] So, the first letter of the night is from AJ Last Name Withheld, who says,

[58:52] I love your show and I think Dan is fucking handsome.

[58:55] That's clearly just pandering to get on the show.

[58:57] And it worked, apparently.

Elliott Kalan

[58:58] You know Dan's...

Dan McCoy

[58:59] Good job, Applejack.

[59:00] Dan's vulnerability, his horrible vanity.

[59:03] I just watched Captain America Civil War again.

[59:06] And man, it made what half as much sense as I remember.

[59:09] How could a movie with so much going for it have a plot this bad?

[59:13] How would you change the Marvel Cinematic Universe if you could?

[59:16] Fewer portal climaxes.

[59:18] What heroes would you dump or add?

[59:19] Any actors you would switch out?

[59:21] Where in the story would you work in an obligatory blue sky beam?

[59:25] Is Jeff Goldblum in there someplace?

[59:27] Why not?

[59:27] Put him in.

[59:28] Reachfully, AJ Last Name Withheld.

[59:32] I would love to have Jeff Goldblum in there, but what character would he be right for?

Elliott Kalan

[59:35] A hero?

[59:36] A villain?

Dan McCoy

[59:37] Yeah, that's a good question.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] It would be a little different visually from the comics, but I would cast him, I think,

[59:42] as the mad thinker.

[59:43] Mm-hmm.

[59:44] Except he's probably part of the Fantastic Four family of characters, and so 20th Century Fox.

[59:48] Not part of the MCU.

[59:49] Not part of the MCU.

Dan McCoy

[59:52] We almost said M-P-C-U.

[59:54] I know what Stewart's answer is.

Elliott Kalan

[59:55] Which is when the Marvel characters went to politically correct university.

[59:58] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:59] And Jeremy Piven shows up.

[1:00:00] What's up?

[1:00:01] Stewart says, gambit over everything.

[1:00:04] But gambit's no.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:06] Just plaster gambit all over anything that happens.

[1:00:07] Gambit's part of the X-Men family of characters.

[1:00:09] We can't call him an inhuman now?

[1:00:11] Oh, I guess there's an inhuman.

[1:00:12] Like smash a crystal in his face and he turns into an inhuman?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:15] And that Terrigen mist, now you're an inhuman.

[1:00:16] Throw some cards around, dude.

[1:00:18] Go on, Remy Lebeau.

[1:00:20] I think if the, I would like the Marvel movies to have a greater variety of plot lines and

[1:00:25] climaxes.

[1:00:26] I feel like they've established a template.

[1:00:29] That template worked great a bunch of times.

[1:00:32] Let's mix it up a little bit.

[1:00:33] Let's do it a little differently.

[1:00:35] And fewer portals and blue lights.

[1:00:37] You want more arcade and mojo verse and shit, right?

[1:00:39] Those are all X-Men characters.

[1:00:42] They're all owned by Fox right now.

[1:00:45] It is a rich universe of thousands of characters.

[1:00:47] Why are all your suggestions in the X-Men family?

[1:00:51] Savage Land?

[1:00:52] Can they go to Savage Land?

[1:00:54] No, I don't think so.

[1:00:56] They can probably go.

[1:00:57] No, they can't even go to Latveria because that's a fantastic four universe.

[1:01:00] What about Mole Man?

[1:01:01] They could fight Mole Man.

[1:01:02] The problem with Mole Man is that your climax is again going to be the characters.

[1:01:07] No, Mole Man's a fantastic four character.

[1:01:08] What am I talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:09] Who do the fucking Avengers fight then, dude?

[1:01:11] Other than Ultron.

[1:01:12] Ultron.

[1:01:13] And Loki.

[1:01:14] Zemo, which they've used.

[1:01:15] Loki, which they used.

[1:01:16] They fight like fucking Namor in the comics.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:19] Namor.

[1:01:20] Second comic.

[1:01:20] They fight Namor, right?

[1:01:22] Or third comic?

[1:01:23] No.

[1:01:23] No, the second one's where they fight the Hulk.

[1:01:26] Yes.

[1:01:27] I mean, you could have, if you're going to go back to the early ones, there's the living

[1:01:30] eraser, the space phantom.

[1:01:32] Yeah, the space phantom.

[1:01:33] You could do those characters.

[1:01:34] The Magnum Man.

[1:01:35] Who's going to play space phantom?

[1:01:36] Fucking Hugh Laurie.

[1:01:37] No, they'll bring him back.

[1:01:38] Apparently, they can't use Kang for some reason.

[1:01:41] Lame.

[1:01:41] And the Avengers.

[1:01:42] What about Kodos?

[1:01:43] Y-y-y-y-y-a.

[1:01:45] The Avengers don't have an amazing rogues gallery for the most part.

[1:01:50] That's why I love Spider-Man, dude.

[1:01:52] Spider-Man's got the best rogues gallery.

[1:01:54] But they could fight the wrecking crew, you know, like the wrecker and his-

Dan McCoy

[1:01:58] Backup band for all those classic Motown hits.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:01] Sure, they could fight them, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:04] I think they'll probably beat them.

[1:02:06] I mean, they're just musicians, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:07] But I think that's one of the reasons that, I mean, they could fight the Grim Reaper.

[1:02:11] They could fight Enchantress, the Executioner.

[1:02:14] I mean, any of the Masters of Evil characters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:16] Who's that guy with the skull face who has a shield and a sword?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:20] That's Taskmaster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:22] Yeah, can they fight that guy?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:23] I would love it.

[1:02:25] He would be great, right?

[1:02:26] I've been a fan of his for a long time.

[1:02:28] Yeah.

[1:02:29] But my main thing would be mix up the plots.

[1:02:31] It's the same way that at the end of Force Awakens, which I was enjoying greatly,

[1:02:35] they're like, here's what they're cooking up.

[1:02:38] It's an even bigger Death Star.

[1:02:39] And I was like, oh, really?

[1:02:41] This is the third time we've seen a Death Star climax.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:44] I did love that they hung a lantern on it where Han Solo was just like,

[1:02:48] oh, it's just a bigger Death Star.

[1:02:50] There's always a way to explode those.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:51] Even better than calling it out is just like, do something different.

[1:02:54] Yeah.

[1:02:55] I feel like, here's what I want to see in a Marvel movie.

[1:02:57] I want to see the characters not dealing with a big army of things jumping at them or a portal.

[1:03:03] And in Star Wars movies, what I'd love to see in a future Star Wars sequel is like,

[1:03:08] the bad guys have figured out a way to get into people's minds.

[1:03:12] Like, there's a telepathic through the dark side of the Force threat.

[1:03:15] So it's not a big thing they have to blow up.

[1:03:17] But it's something that they have to try to outwit even though it's inside their own head.

[1:03:22] You know, something that is...

[1:03:23] Okay.

[1:03:23] You could still have action sequences.

[1:03:25] Maybe the...

[1:03:25] And I'm not a huge fan of heroes fighting each other plot lines, but you could do that with this.

[1:03:29] You don't know who to trust.

[1:03:31] But with the Marvel movies, they've got to figure out some way to do it.

[1:03:34] That it's not just the heroes standing in one place while an army of aliens or robots flies at them over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:03:42] You cannot pass, like, we draw the line here.

[1:03:44] That sort of thing.

[1:03:45] Like a Rourke's Drift sort of situation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:47] Unless it's going to be the executioner on that bridge in that one Thor comic where he stands there to fight the army of the dead with two automatic weapons in his hands.

[1:03:59] Yorgel Romerom, or whatever it's called.

[1:04:00] It's got some Norse name.

[1:04:02] Yeah.

[1:04:02] And it becomes his legend that he perished at that bridge holding off thousands of undead.

[1:04:07] That's pretty cool.

[1:04:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] Although I think it's funny that you bring up changing up plot lines in third acts when he's talking about Civil War, which was a huge change from the other Marvel movies.

[1:04:21] That's true.

[1:04:22] It was different.

[1:04:23] It doesn't feature a big battle.

[1:04:24] There's no portal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:26] I mean, there's a big battle at the end of the second act between the two groups of heroes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:29] Yeah, where they're like, hey, we're going to give you everything you've ever dreamed of.

[1:04:32] Enjoy this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:33] Oh, that was so great.

[1:04:34] Spider-Man's there, and Ant-Man turns into Giant-Man and rips the wing off a plane.

[1:04:37] Hall-Rod's great, yeah.

[1:04:39] Like, that was maybe my favorite scene in any of those movies, I think.

[1:04:42] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:44] But some mix it up.

[1:04:45] Mix them up.

[1:04:45] Variety, variety, variety, you know?

[1:04:47] Put more Kraven in there.

[1:04:48] Viva Variety.

[1:04:49] Yeah, Kraven could be in there now because Spider-Man's part of the MCU.

[1:04:53] Very blue jeans.

[1:04:53] Not very blue jeans.

[1:04:55] That's from A Adventure Zone.

[1:04:57] I think his name is Johnny Blue Jeans.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:57] Johnny Blue Jeans.

[1:04:58] Yeah.

[1:04:59] I'm Johnny Blue Jeans.

[1:05:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:01] There was that song he had called I Just Want to Make Out with You, Babe.

[1:05:07] This thing's going over to that one corner of the roller rink.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:13] This next letter, speaking of Marvel, it's titled Elliot Asks and I Deliver.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:19] From Chris, last name with hell.

[1:05:20] What?

[1:05:21] Is it Pratt?

[1:05:22] Is it Evans?

[1:05:23] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:23] Go see that movie where it's me and Jennifer Lawrence in space.

[1:05:26] It's not.

[1:05:27] It's titled Elliot Asks and I Deliver.

[1:05:32] Yeah, it's a robo bartender.

[1:05:33] It's from Nora, last name with hell.

[1:05:35] Nora Charles.

[1:05:35] My greatest enemy is a robo bartender.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:38] It's going to put me out of business.

[1:05:41] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:43] It's a new voice I'm working on.

[1:05:44] She writes, oh, Elliot, baby, you shouldn't ask for sexual fantasies on the internet.

[1:05:49] You don't really want to know.

[1:05:51] No.

[1:05:51] I don't remember doing that.

[1:05:53] The Marvel Universe.

[1:05:55] You asked for Marvel sexual fantasies.

[1:05:57] I did.

[1:05:57] The Marvel Universe is one of sexy, sexy, impossible beings.

[1:06:00] And how can a girl resist that?

[1:06:02] I want to share a hotel room with MCU, Black Widow, and Hawkeye and have a party in our

[1:06:07] underwear while Weird Al's party in the CIA plays on the stereo.

[1:06:11] If you don't think that's a sexual fantasy, you're thinking about it all wrong.

[1:06:15] Mm-mm.

[1:06:17] I want Thor, but from the late 90s with the leather and the belts and the hair.

[1:06:22] And then I want to put...

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:22] So like when it was Thunderstrike?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:27] I don't know.

[1:06:28] I don't know enough about the history of Thor.

[1:06:30] Oh, right.

[1:06:31] Forget it then.

[1:06:31] The leather and the belts and the hair.

[1:06:33] And then I want to put them in a...

[1:06:34] Give them a makeover.

[1:06:36] And braid his ridiculous 90s hair and put them in heels.

[1:06:39] I want to be sandwiched between Tommy Shepard and David Alene.

[1:06:43] You know those two are fucked, right?

[1:06:44] Am I right or am I right?

[1:06:46] I don't even know who those are.

[1:06:47] I want to make tacos with the 616 Hawkeyes.

[1:06:51] And feed one to Pizza Dog.

[1:06:52] That one's not sexual.

[1:06:53] It just seems really nice.

[1:06:55] They deserve nice things.

[1:06:57] I'm learning ASL.

[1:06:58] I bet Clint would help me practice.

[1:07:00] Imagine us eating on the couch.

[1:07:01] Sunlight streaming in through the windows.

[1:07:03] Lucky laying with his head on my feet.

[1:07:05] This is so wrapped up in current continuity.

[1:07:08] Maybe Kate would let me play with her hair.

[1:07:09] Gosh, that sounds nice.

[1:07:11] Oh my god.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:11] Are we talking about the fucking current Hawkeye book?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:14] No, we're talking about not the current Jeff Lemire book.

[1:07:16] We're talking about the previous Matt Fraction book.

[1:07:18] Oh, I hate that book.

[1:07:19] Mind you.

[1:07:20] You just don't like Matt Fraction.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] I like Matt Fraction.

[1:07:22] My teenage years were spent furiously reading every DC comic I could get my hands on.

[1:07:28] Boo.

[1:07:29] So I have like hundreds of fantasies about Clark Kent and Hal Jordan and Cass Kane.

[1:07:33] But that's not what you asked for.

[1:07:35] So I'll save those for another day.

[1:07:36] That's the direct competition, right?

[1:07:38] Yeah.

[1:07:39] Yeah.

[1:07:39] This is the house of ideas.

[1:07:41] And that's brand eh.

[1:07:42] Lots of love.

[1:07:43] And thanks for making a fangirl happy with your Silver Surfer erotic roleplay fantasy.

[1:07:48] Oh, that's what it was.

[1:07:48] Nor a last name withheld.

[1:07:50] I remember that now.

[1:07:50] I'm sorry for complaining about Hawkeye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:52] Yeah.

[1:07:52] I mean, growing up reading comics in the 90s myself, but almost all Marvel, my fantasies

[1:07:57] were all about like Psylocke, you know?

[1:07:59] Sure.

[1:08:00] Or Rogue.

[1:08:00] Which Psylocke, dude?

[1:08:01] I want to touch Rogue, but I can't do it.

[1:08:03] Which Psylocke?

[1:08:04] Yeah.

[1:08:04] Betsy Braddock's mind in Quannon's body.

[1:08:07] Oh, okay.

[1:08:07] See, I like the old Psylocke.

[1:08:09] Oh, like 80s Psylocke.

[1:08:11] When she was still in Betsy Braddock's body.

[1:08:13] Rogue was like...

[1:08:13] No, no, no.

[1:08:14] I want an English woman's brain in an Asian woman's body.

[1:08:17] That's the Psylocke for me.

[1:08:18] The one that was trying to seduce Cyclops for a couple months and then gave up on it and

[1:08:22] no one ever talked about it again.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:23] Yeah, that was weird.

[1:08:24] Rogue was like so obvious, it was like barely even subtext.

[1:08:28] What?

[1:08:28] The idea of like, you want to touch this, but you can't.

[1:08:32] You can't touch it, but you want to.

[1:08:35] And from her point of view, she wants to be touched, but she can't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:37] When it's bad for Remy LeBeau, her beau.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:39] We've talked about the idea that male X-Men readers or female X-Men readers who like

[1:08:46] women usually fall into either the Shadowcat or Rogue category.

[1:08:51] Yeah, I mean...

[1:08:52] Like those are the two available fantasies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:54] I feel like you are...

[1:08:55] And Psylocke.

[1:08:56] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:08:57] Her costume is just a thong bathing suit.

[1:09:00] But with Shadowcat, that was very much...

[1:09:02] It was like all these X-Women characters you want to...

[1:09:05] You just want to fling with.

[1:09:07] But Kitty Pryde, you want to marry.

[1:09:08] Shadowcat has a...

[1:09:09] She's a developed character.

[1:09:10] Kitty Pryde, you want to marry.

[1:09:11] That's a girl you can take home to mom.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:13] Because you're Jewish and so is your mom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:15] So you're not interested in like magic?

[1:09:17] Well, magic's kind of creepy and weird.

[1:09:20] Yeah.

[1:09:21] If I start dating her, suddenly what?

[1:09:23] I've got to go...

[1:09:23] I've got to go have dinner at Belasco's house in limbo?

[1:09:26] Sounds great.

[1:09:27] Not interested.

[1:09:29] She's a wild card, dude.

[1:09:30] Or maybe...

[1:09:30] You know what?

[1:09:31] Maybe I just want to have kind of a no-strings-attached relationship with Lila Chaney.

[1:09:35] She's always touring the universe to a strong guy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:37] My favorite character in the Marvel universe, Lila Chaney.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:40] Intergalactic rock star, Lila Chaney.

[1:09:42] Oh my God.

[1:09:43] I love that shit.

[1:09:44] But she's related to Dick Chaney.

[1:09:45] That's what the fucking Marvel movies need, is more of that shit.

[1:09:48] More weird cosmic crap.

[1:09:49] Well, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is coming out.

[1:09:52] So that's where the cosmic stuff is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:54] And they're going to put all the...

[1:09:56] Are they going to put...

[1:09:57] What is it?

[1:09:58] Cosmo, the telepathic dog?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:00] Are they?

[1:10:01] Maybe.

[1:10:01] Here's Jeff Goldblum's part.

[1:10:03] I would have him as maybe the Living Tribunal, who's long been a favorite character of mine.

[1:10:09] He's the one...

[1:10:10] He's the judge of the cosmos who has three faces.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:13] I think the Living Tribunals, they reference that in Doctor Strange.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:16] Oh, they do?

[1:10:17] Really?

[1:10:17] Yeah.

[1:10:17] Because he's a Doctor Strange character, too.

[1:10:19] They would always be like, Stephen Strange, Eternity is in trouble.

[1:10:23] And then he'd have to go, you know, save Eternity from Dormammu or something.

[1:10:28] Not Eternia, Dan.

[1:10:30] That's where He-Man lives.

[1:10:30] Come on.

[1:10:31] It's basically a cut-rate kid's hyperborea.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:35] I'm sorry for whatever I did to you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:38] He started this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:40] Robert Howard's spinning his grave thinking of Eternia.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:45] I mean, He-Man is a pretty blatant rip-off of Conan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:48] It's like, what if we...

[1:10:49] What if a nerdy wimp got to break a sword and turn into a giant awesome dude?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:53] What if we took that one scene from the heavy metal movie and did a kid series about that where he's nerdy, but then he turns into a big barbarian guy?

[1:11:01] I'm talking about Den, right?

[1:11:02] Den.

[1:11:02] And then they all have lasers.

[1:11:04] Yeah, with John Goodman, right?

[1:11:06] John Candy.

[1:11:06] Is it John Candy?

[1:11:07] I love John Goodman.

[1:11:07] John Candy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:08] The world of Den is still, if I was going to name a...

[1:11:12] So if you could live in any fantasy world, which fantasy world would you live in?

[1:11:18] My response is always, obviously, the world of Den from heavy metal, where you get to murder orcs and be an awesome dude.

[1:11:24] You get to be a Richard Corbin character.

[1:11:26] Yeah, basically.

[1:11:27] I've heard living in Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls is a suitable answer, because you just eat food all the time and hang out.

[1:11:36] Wait, that counts as a fantasy world?

[1:11:37] That's totally a fantasy world.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:39] Dan, you were right.

[1:11:40] I don't know why I thought John...

[1:11:41] Even though knowing John Candy did other parts in that movie, I don't know why I thought it was John Goodman.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:44] My friends Jen and Scott bring this up almost every time they're at the bar.

[1:11:48] Bring up what?

[1:11:49] If you could live in any fantasy world, what fantasy world would you live in?

[1:11:52] Or a world from fiction?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:54] Fictional world.

[1:11:55] Fictional world.

[1:11:56] Okay.

[1:11:57] Good question.

[1:11:58] Hmm.

[1:11:59] Hmm.

[1:12:00] Hmm.

[1:12:01] Hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:02] I mean, all of the worlds that I think of are like Charlie Brown.

[1:12:06] Charlie Brown?

[1:12:07] Why would I...

[1:12:09] No, that's the world I'm doomed to live in already.

[1:12:13] That's not the world that I want to live in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:15] I want to live in the world of the corrections.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:18] I want to live in perpetual melancholy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:21] And the infinite sadness.

[1:12:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:23] No, all of the worlds that I feel like immediately sprang to mind are like very like Tweety, comforting

[1:12:31] English worlds.

[1:12:33] Oh.

[1:12:34] Like the wind in the willows or something?

[1:12:35] Like wind in the willows.

[1:12:36] Exactly.

[1:12:37] That's what I was thinking of.

[1:12:38] Or like Hobbiton before any like, you know, like stuff actually happens.

[1:12:45] And it's just when it's all just...

[1:12:46] Before Sharky and his ass wipes show up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:48] Yeah.

[1:12:48] And it's all just making seed cakes for people's birthdays.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:51] And having multiple breakfasts.

[1:12:54] You want to...

[1:12:55] That is a very good response, by the way.

[1:12:58] Yeah.

[1:12:59] I think there's a lot of people that agree with you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] Who wouldn't want to live in the Shire before those dwarves come and start screwing up your

[1:13:04] life?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:05] Singing and throwing your dishes around and making you go on quests?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] What did Bilbo do up till that point?

[1:13:11] He was just kind of independently wealthy.

[1:13:13] Did he have a job?

[1:13:14] No, I think he was just independently wealthy, dude.

[1:13:16] Okay.

[1:13:17] All the fictional worlds I can think of are horrifying.

[1:13:20] And I don't really want to live there.

[1:13:22] I just...

[1:13:22] But they're dramatic.

[1:13:23] But I guess they're Marvel Universe.

[1:13:25] Not Blade Runner?

[1:13:26] Yeah, I don't want to live in Blade Runner.

[1:13:27] I don't want to live in Road Warrior.

[1:13:29] I don't want to live in Call of Cthulhu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:30] Wait, you don't have like a weird power fantasy where you're like the Lord of the Wasteland?

[1:13:36] Oh, for sure.

[1:13:36] But I don't really want to do that.

[1:13:39] They call him the accountant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:43] Wasn't that that Ben Affleck movie that just came out recently?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:46] Yeah, but...

[1:13:47] But, I mean, come on, dude.

[1:13:50] If somebody looked at you and then the Beantown bad boy, Ben Affleck...

[1:13:55] I've thought about...

[1:13:57] You're the accountant and not him.

[1:13:58] Good point.

[1:13:59] Good point.

[1:13:59] I've thought about what superpower I wanted.

[1:14:01] Beantown bad boy.

[1:14:03] I've thought about what superpower I wanted before.

[1:14:05] Also applicable, Beantown bad boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:08] And I came up with Wolverine's healing factor, not because...

[1:14:13] You are such a...

[1:14:14] You're such a boring person, Dan.

[1:14:16] Not because...

[1:14:17] Now I'll never have to worry about getting sick.

[1:14:19] Thanks, Zach.

[1:14:20] Exactly.

[1:14:20] That's the thing.

[1:14:21] It's not because of anything exciting.

[1:14:23] It's because...

[1:14:24] No arthritis for me.

[1:14:25] I'm such a hypochondriac that I'm just like, oh boy, if I could just heal all the time,

[1:14:31] if I could be at peak physical condition without doing anything, any work, that would be the greatest thing in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:36] Let's hope this works on my feelings, too.

[1:14:40] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:41] All right.

[1:14:41] Too far.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:46] Now I'm imagining a PSA with Wolverine where he's bullied, and then he's like, tell you one thing,

[1:14:50] my healing factor doesn't work on.

[1:14:52] Hurt feelings.

[1:14:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:53] I mean, the answer for Superviver is simple.

[1:14:55] You want to be able to fly and also have x-ray vision so you can look at the answers to tests and look at naked ladies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:00] How did the answers to tests how?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:02] I don't know.

[1:15:03] If the teachers got in like a manila folder.

[1:15:06] I can look right through that shit, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:08] And the teachers went like holding it up in the air while you're taking the test?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:11] Flying is so much less useful than a healing factor.

[1:15:14] What are you talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:15] Yeah, I can go anywhere I want, dog.

[1:15:18] Say goodbye to buying a MetroCard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:21] Yeah.

[1:15:22] Unless it's raining.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:23] I mean, yeah.

[1:15:25] I mean, I guess, I don't know.

[1:15:26] Teleportation would be better than flying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:28] Well, teleportation and mind reading are always the ones that I would want.

[1:15:31] Oh, that'll drive you insane, dude.

[1:15:33] Well, the mind reading, well, the real one that would drive you insane is if you were like the purple man,

[1:15:37] because you'd never know if people really liked you or if you were just making them like you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:41] That's why the purple man's a good guy, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:43] Yep, that's where the term perp comes from.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:46] I think this is officially the nerdiest conversation we've ever had on this podcast.

[1:15:50] And that's saying something, because this is a podcast.

[1:15:52] Yeah, right off the bat.

[1:15:52] We're doing a podcast, dude.

[1:15:54] Let's move to the next letter, shall we?

[1:15:57] This is from Jack, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:00] I'm working on a Doctor Who collage.

[1:16:03] Collage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:05] I'm working on a Doctor Who adult coloring book.

[1:16:07] I have an algorithm set up to figure out which is the best volume of Isaac Asimov's Foundation series.

[1:16:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:15] This goes...

[1:16:16] It's based on my Stratomatic baseball league that I've been playing in for many years.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:20] Now, I've taken all the major baseball players, and I've randomly given them the powers of fictional characters.

[1:16:30] So, for instance, does Derek Jeter have the abilities of, say, Sandor Clegging for fighting?

[1:16:38] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:39] And here, Daryl Strawberry has the investigative abilities of Hercule Poirot.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:48] The investigative abilities.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:50] And, of course, the infield is all your various shoggoths.

[1:16:55] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:56] So, Jack, last name withheld, says...

[1:16:58] Beanstalk.

[1:16:59] Dear Elliot, Steven, and the other guy whose name I forgot,

[1:17:03] I'm an avid fan of you peaches, but alas, my wife is not a listener.

[1:17:08] Understandably.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:09] Yeah, if you listen to this show, we're morons.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:11] She's the one responsible for your names and the salutation.

[1:17:14] And she's the one who never listens...

[1:17:16] Sorry.

[1:17:16] She's the one who listens to the entire Ziggy pitch,

[1:17:19] only to make me promise that I'd never make her listen to you again.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:23] You gotta divorce her.

[1:17:25] Just kidding.

[1:17:25] She sounds sensible.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:26] Despite all that, she was watching a classic bad movie, Twilight,

[1:17:29] and insisted that I bring a glaring plot hole to your attention.

[1:17:33] In the movie, our heroine, Bella, is trying to learn about...

[1:17:38] You gotta say it like this.

[1:17:39] Bella.

[1:17:40] Bella.

[1:17:41] Is trying to learn about...

[1:17:42] Baby Bella.

[1:17:45] Quayute legends.

[1:17:47] Oh, that's that mushroom everybody's so into nowadays.

[1:17:50] I have no idea how you pronounce this word, but I'm gonna say Quayute legends.

[1:17:54] A Native American tribe...

[1:17:55] Coyote.

[1:17:56] Well, how would you say this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:58] Oh, I don't know.

[1:18:00] Quayote?

[1:18:00] It actually looks like...

Dan McCoy

[1:18:01] It looks more French than Spanish to me.

[1:18:03] Quayote legends.

[1:18:03] I don't know.

[1:18:04] I don't know.

[1:18:04] It's a Native American tribe that became werewolves to fight vampires.

[1:18:08] In her search, she takes to the internet to explore the legend.

[1:18:13] She skips over the first several results, only to choose a website featuring a book on the legend.

[1:18:18] Rather than order online, she opts to head to a local bookstore to pick up the book instead.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:22] Yeah, because she's trying to support local independent retailers.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:25] Well, that's exactly what the parenthetical says after that.

[1:18:29] Oh, okay, good.

[1:18:31] Presumably, she believes in supporting local businesses.

[1:18:34] She buys the book.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:34] Look, book court just closed, and I'm still kind of unhappy about it.

[1:18:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:38] She buys the book, takes it home, opens it to a random page, and reads the caption of the picture that mentions the cold ones.

[1:18:45] Rather than continuing reading the book, she turns back to the internet, enters Quayote and cold ones, and continues her research online.

[1:18:56] That works sometimes, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:58] What I'm seeing is that she's able to synthesize multiple streams of data.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:02] This is obviously nonsense.

[1:19:04] So I ask you, dear Peaches, two questions.

[1:19:07] One, what's your favorite no prize explanation for this insanity?

[1:19:12] And two, what are your favorite nonsense moments in a movie's plot?

[1:19:16] Keep on flopping in the free world, Jack, last name withheld.

[1:19:20] So what's your explanation for this insanity?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:23] She's a millennial.

[1:19:23] She's more comfortable on the internet than she is with dead print.

[1:19:26] But why did she go get the book if she's just going to turn back to the internet?

[1:19:30] Maybe she's trying something new.

[1:19:32] I don't know.

[1:19:32] Maybe she needs to get out of the house, walk around.

[1:19:34] She's been looking at the computer for too long.

[1:19:37] Look, they needed to stretch out the sequence.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:41] I think here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:42] Sometimes when you're researching, and I'm learning this from my new series, Presidents

[1:19:47] Are People Too, on iTunes and also Audible Originals and Amazon Prime.

[1:19:51] Sometimes when you're researching something, you don't realize that you've got a key to what

[1:19:56] you need until you go somewhere else.

[1:19:58] Or you're looking for information you can only find in a book.

[1:20:02] But then that helps you find something online.

[1:20:03] I actually was dealing with something like that today as I research a piece about William

[1:20:08] Howard Taft's time as governor general of the Philippines.

[1:20:11] And there was a quote that I found a partial version of in a book that I didn't know about

[1:20:17] until I read it in the book.

[1:20:18] And then I looked up online to find the original source for it.

[1:20:21] And I found it.

[1:20:22] So what I'm saying is multiple streams of information.

[1:20:25] It's the future of research.

[1:20:27] Join me, won't you?

[1:20:28] On a fun and imaginative journey.

[1:20:30] Well, I...

[1:20:31] It's Research Skills Learner with Elliot Kalin.

[1:20:36] Time to improve your research skills.

[1:20:39] Volume 1.

[1:20:40] Basic Research.

[1:20:42] Do-do-do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:43] So I was about to make a joke about how I...

[1:20:45] It means to search again.

[1:20:46] Fuck off.

[1:20:48] So I was about to make a joke about how I zoned off.

[1:20:51] And then Elliot just kept fucking talking, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:55] This is a group comedy show.

[1:20:57] So what's your favorite nonsense movie?

[1:20:59] I don't think so.

[1:21:00] Nope.

[1:21:01] It's called Elliot and Pals.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:03] Oh, man.

[1:21:05] I...

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:05] Yeah, what's a nonsense moment that you...

[1:21:07] I mean, there's a million of them, so it's tough to say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:12] I think my favorite is...

[1:21:15] It's similar to this.

[1:21:16] In Ringu, when they're looking up information on the ghost,

[1:21:20] and they're like, we only have a week to live.

[1:21:22] Well, let's call it off for the night.

[1:21:26] It's getting pretty late.

[1:21:26] And then they just stop researching for the night

[1:21:28] and go have dinner.

[1:21:30] And I guess go to bed.

[1:21:31] And I remember watching and being like,

[1:21:33] you don't have a lot of time left.

[1:21:34] Like, burn the candle at both ends, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:37] I mean, I don't know.

[1:21:37] Like, I think if you only have a little bit of time left,

[1:21:40] you're going to want a delicious dinner.

[1:21:42] That's true.

[1:21:42] Really?

[1:21:42] You want to enjoy every element of life?

[1:21:44] Yeah.

[1:21:46] What do you think, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:48] All I can think of is plot holes,

[1:21:50] which is not the same thing as, like, a nonsense moment.

[1:21:54] Like, I've talked about the Back to the Future 2 plot hole before,

[1:21:57] so I don't feel like that's...

[1:21:58] Which one is that?

[1:21:59] It's that...

[1:22:00] How Max Headroom was not that popular?

[1:22:02] Biff...

[1:22:03] Once Biff goes back in time

[1:22:04] to give the sports almanac to his younger self,

[1:22:10] he cannot return to the original timeline.

[1:22:13] Well, that's not a plot hole.

[1:22:14] It's a time paradox.

[1:22:16] Yeah, it's a plot hole.

[1:22:17] Because he would be on a new...

[1:22:18] If he returned to the future,

[1:22:20] he would be returning to the future

[1:22:21] on the new timeline where Biff is a success.

[1:22:24] How do you know he didn't do that?

[1:22:26] Because he comes back with the time machine,

[1:22:30] and that's how they get back to the past.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:33] So wait a minute.

[1:22:34] Are you saying that when he hands that sports almanac,

[1:22:36] he should immediately morph into, like,

[1:22:38] an older, wealthier version of himself?

[1:22:40] Exactly.

[1:22:41] Or he should just disappear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:43] Wait, he died?

[1:22:45] A little thing called

[1:22:46] conservation of matter, Dan.

[1:22:49] Matter just can't disappear.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:51] Nor can it exist at the same space at the same time.

[1:22:54] A la Time Cop.

[1:22:55] Look at Time Cop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:56] A look at the medical research journal Time Cop.

[1:23:00] In the case of one R. Silver.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:02] Yeah.

[1:23:03] A human being that does the splits

[1:23:05] will totally avoid lightning.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:08] Dan, let's move on to the next letter.

[1:23:10] I'm having trouble coming up with a really...

[1:23:11] I think the real plot hole here

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:13] is that Dan read this letter and was like,

[1:23:15] hmm, this is good.

[1:23:16] I'll include this in the show,

[1:23:17] but didn't come up with an example himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:19] Nor did he...

[1:23:21] Last time we did this,

[1:23:22] he told us the questions ahead of time

[1:23:23] so we could come up with examples.

[1:23:25] Yeah, but you didn't read them,

Dan McCoy

[1:23:26] so I was like,

[1:23:27] well, that experiment didn't work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:29] We had really good...

[1:23:30] Oh, it didn't work once.

[1:23:31] Have you ever heard of

[1:23:32] Try, Try Again?

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:34] Yeah, the imitation game?

[1:23:36] All right, we'll do it.

[1:23:37] I don't remember that movie that well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:40] Well, we didn't crack the German code once.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:42] I guess we'll never try.

[1:23:44] Mm-hmm.

[1:23:45] All right, so the last letter of the evening

[1:23:46] is from Natalie, last name withheld.

[1:23:49] Portman.

[1:23:50] Oh, merchant.

[1:23:51] And she writes...

[1:23:52] A Portman merchant.

[1:23:54] Dear Flophouse,

[1:23:56] I need to talk to you about something.

[1:23:58] Okay.

[1:23:59] Butts.

[1:24:00] Oh, now we know why Dan picked this letter.

[1:24:02] Lately, I've been a bit obsessed

[1:24:03] with staring at perfectly shaped butts

[1:24:05] due to my career.

[1:24:07] I'm a wardrobe dresser.

[1:24:08] Oh.

[1:24:09] My latest job...

[1:24:10] I thought you were a butt sculptor.

[1:24:12] My latest job has me dressing dancers

[1:24:14] who, more likely or not,

[1:24:17] have the most perfect butts

[1:24:18] of anyone on the planet.

[1:24:20] Men, women, all shapes and sizes.

[1:24:23] I think my obsession started

[1:24:24] with my love for Gene Kelly.

[1:24:26] He has a great butt.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:26] I watched an American in Paris

[1:24:28] nonstop when I was in high school

[1:24:29] and it's never stopped.

[1:24:31] A few years ago,

[1:24:32] I even came across this Tumblr page

[1:24:34] dedicated to Gene Kelly's butt.

[1:24:36] And if you want to look at it at home,

[1:24:38] it's genekelly'sbutt.tumblr.com.

[1:24:41] I've seen that Tumblr.

[1:24:42] As you can see,

[1:24:43] his butt is glorious at every angle.

[1:24:46] First of all,

[1:24:47] how can I help myself

[1:24:48] from staring at butts while at work?

[1:24:50] I'm afraid that the dancers

[1:24:51] will eventually catch me staring.

[1:24:53] Second,

[1:24:54] what or who possesses your favorite butts

[1:24:55] in TV or film and why?

[1:24:57] Dangerous territory.

[1:24:58] Dan, it doesn't necessarily

[1:24:59] have to be wives' butts.

[1:25:00] Elliot, it can be

[1:25:02] from a theater performance you saw.

[1:25:03] Oh, okay.

[1:25:04] Well, that's different then.

[1:25:05] Stuart, you're good.

[1:25:06] I love the show.

[1:25:07] I don't even know what that means.

[1:25:08] We know Stuart's answer.

[1:25:09] And it's the highlight

[1:25:10] of every Fortnite.

[1:25:11] It's going to be what?

[1:25:11] Tiffany Shepes?

[1:25:12] Keep on the flopping.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:14] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:14] I said it at the same time as you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:21] I don't know.

[1:25:22] That's a good question.

[1:25:23] No, it's not a good question.

[1:25:24] It's a terrible question.

[1:25:26] It's not a good question.

[1:25:27] It can only lead to trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:29] Although, I would say

[1:25:30] that male gymnasts

[1:25:33] arguably have

[1:25:35] crazier butts.

[1:25:38] Than male dancers?

[1:25:39] When you see them

[1:25:40] little dudes up on those rings,

[1:25:41] like, that butt,

[1:25:43] what the heck, dude?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:44] No, male dancers have

[1:25:45] the best.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:45] Yeah, no, I mean,

[1:25:46] male-wise,

[1:25:48] she's right,

[1:25:49] that Gene Kelly

[1:25:50] has the best butt.

[1:25:51] Probably in history.

[1:25:52] Yeah.

[1:25:54] There's a lot of...

[1:25:54] The definition of Calipigian.

[1:25:56] There's junk in that trunk,

[1:25:58] but it's well-formed.

[1:26:00] No, it's all

[1:26:00] high-quality merchandise.

[1:26:01] It's well-formed junk.

[1:26:02] It's not junk.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:04] Why are you staring

[1:26:05] at me like this, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:07] I just want some

[1:26:08] validation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:10] Yeah.

[1:26:12] Dan has dedicated

[1:26:13] his life to the study

[1:26:14] of butts.

[1:26:14] He needs...

[1:26:15] He's so happy

[1:26:16] to get someone

[1:26:17] validating that.

[1:26:17] A buttologist,

[1:26:18] if you will.

[1:26:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:20] I mean, there's a

[1:26:20] proctologist.

[1:26:21] That's basically a butt, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:22] I mean, that is someone

[1:26:23] who actually has dedicated

[1:26:24] their lives to the study of butts.

[1:26:24] No, I mean...

Dan McCoy

[1:26:25] Or is that somebody

[1:26:26] who studies...

[1:26:26] That's just the inside.

[1:26:27] If you're unwilling

[1:26:28] or unable...

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:29] Proctor and Gamble?

[1:26:30] Commander Harris's buddy.

[1:26:33] Proctor and Gamble,

Dan McCoy

[1:26:34] they're cops.

[1:26:34] If you're unwilling

[1:26:35] or unable to say

[1:26:36] which is the best butt...

[1:26:38] I'll say it.

[1:26:40] Say Gene Kelly

[1:26:41] in conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:42] Gene Kelly

[1:26:43] or Carla Gugino,

[1:26:44] it's going to have

[1:26:44] Gene in the name.

[1:26:45] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:46] Yeah, those are good butts.

[1:26:49] I'd say...

[1:26:50] I like Tiffany Shepis

[1:26:52] or Nicole Kidman.

[1:26:53] Those are good butts.

[1:26:54] And Gene Kelly.

[1:26:58] Throw them in there.

[1:26:59] I don't want to be...

[1:27:00] I don't want to just...

[1:27:01] I already feel so gross

[1:27:03] that we're even discussing this.

[1:27:03] I don't want to stick

[1:27:04] to my cisgender,

[1:27:05] you know...

[1:27:07] Wait, what is that?

[1:27:08] That's not...

[1:27:09] My heterosexual...

[1:27:10] Yes, thank you.

[1:27:11] You're using cisgender

[1:27:12] incorrectly.

[1:27:12] No, no, it's not true.

[1:27:13] I mean, like,

[1:27:14] my cisgender heterosexual...

[1:27:16] I don't want to...

[1:27:19] I mean, the fact that...

[1:27:20] Do you feel gross because...

[1:27:20] Cisgender just means

[1:27:21] you haven't changed gender.

[1:27:23] Yes, but it also...

[1:27:25] Let's not get into this

[1:27:26] on the air.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:27] Well...

[1:27:28] Yes, let's discuss it later.

[1:27:29] Do you guys feel gross

Dan McCoy

[1:27:30] because farts come out of butts?

[1:27:32] Do I feel gross

[1:27:33] because of that?

[1:27:34] No, it's natural.

[1:27:36] No, but the more...

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:37] That's what I tell people.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:38] The more important question is

[1:27:40] how do we get her

[1:27:41] to stop starring at butts?

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:43] I mean,

[1:27:44] it sounds like

[1:27:45] it's part of her job.

[1:27:46] She's fitting their clothes, right?

[1:27:48] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:49] Yeah.

[1:27:49] Do you think maybe

[1:27:50] throw a compelling magazine

[1:27:53] in between her eyeline

[1:27:54] and the butts?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:55] I think it's clear

[1:27:56] what the answer is.

[1:27:57] She has to start

[1:27:58] staring at groins.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:01] It's a short-term solution.

[1:28:03] Oh, wow, yeah.

[1:28:04] I feel like at that point, though,

[1:28:06] you're dealing with

[1:28:08] potentially greater evil.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:10] Yeah, I feel like

[1:28:10] that's a slippery slope.

[1:28:12] And you're going down.

[1:28:14] I don't understand.

[1:28:14] Yeah, from there

[1:28:15] you go down to the back

[1:28:17] of the knees.

[1:28:18] Uh-oh.

[1:28:18] Because then the people

[1:28:19] are going to be like,

[1:28:20] oh, my butt's back here.

[1:28:23] Pardon me.

[1:28:24] Dan, why did we have to end

[1:28:25] on the butts letter?

[1:28:26] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:27] It's because it was literally the...

[1:28:29] Well, because I wanted

[1:28:31] to separate it out

[1:28:32] from the Marvel

[1:28:34] sexual fantasies letter

[1:28:35] because I felt like

[1:28:36] they were too similar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:37] Dan just turned his chair

[1:28:38] around and then he put

[1:28:40] a baseball cap on.

[1:28:41] Real talk.

[1:28:41] Real talk, guys.

[1:28:42] Oh, boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:44] I just wanted to keep

[1:28:45] the gross letters, you know...

[1:28:47] This has been a weird episode.

[1:28:48] Apart from each other.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:49] We barely talked about

[1:28:50] Nicolas Cage

[1:28:51] in this Cage episode,

[1:28:52] but we talked a lot about

[1:28:52] sex and butts and things.

[1:28:54] And I'm uncomfortable

[1:28:55] about that.

[1:28:56] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:56] Not me, baby.

[1:28:58] Bring it on.

[1:28:59] This is sex time

[1:29:00] starting to two balls.

[1:29:01] Bring it on.

[1:29:05] So what else do we do

[1:29:06] on this JizzCast?

[1:29:08] Wow, don't say that.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:10] It's too late.

[1:29:11] Now I'm uncomfortable.

[1:29:12] This is truly

[1:29:12] the midnight of the soul.

[1:29:14] I was cool with everything

[1:29:15] else that was happening

[1:29:16] and then JizzCast

[1:29:18] came out of Stuart's mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:19] What are you saying?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:22] Whoa.

[1:29:23] Don't pin this on me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:25] Don't pin this on me, copper.

[1:29:27] Don't pin the tail

[1:29:27] on this donkey.

[1:29:28] Bang, bang, bang, bang.

[1:29:29] Oh, no.

[1:29:29] It's a shootout.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:32] So what else do we do here, dude?

[1:29:33] We just talked about

[1:29:34] some stuff that I'm not going to go over.

[1:29:39] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:40] This is how we're ending

[1:29:41] the year.

[1:29:42] This is how we're ending

[1:29:43] the year.

[1:29:44] Yep.

[1:29:44] To be fair,

[1:29:45] kind of everybody wants

[1:29:46] to say goodbye to this year.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:46] Kind of a whimper, yeah.

[1:29:48] A.V. Club was right

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:49] not to put us

[1:29:50] on our best of 2016 list.

[1:29:53] Hot take.

[1:29:54] Well, let's wrap that bandage

[1:29:55] back over that wound, Dan.

[1:29:57] Let's talk about some movies

[1:29:59] that we actually liked.

[1:30:00] Kind of like the movie

[1:30:01] we watched tonight.

[1:30:02] Yeah.

[1:30:02] And in fact,

[1:30:02] I'm going to recommend

[1:30:03] a movie that is not

[1:30:04] super far from the movie

[1:30:06] we watched tonight.

[1:30:07] a movie called

[1:30:08] Heller High Water.

[1:30:11] About my middle teacher,

[1:30:12] Mrs. Heller.

[1:30:14] Heller High Water

[1:30:14] came out this year.

[1:30:16] It is a kind of,

[1:30:18] it's a movie about

[1:30:19] two brothers who,

[1:30:21] due to a position

[1:30:24] they're put by the bank,

[1:30:26] turned to robbing banks.

[1:30:28] Oh, they're like

[1:30:29] a couple of Newton boys.

[1:30:30] in West Texas.

[1:30:32] Born and raised.

[1:30:33] They have come up

[1:30:35] with a scheme

[1:30:35] that's going to allow them

[1:30:36] to rob some banks

[1:30:37] and in theory,

[1:30:39] hopefully,

[1:30:39] get away with it.

[1:30:40] And they're being pursued

[1:30:41] by a Texas ranger

[1:30:42] played by Jeff Bridges.

[1:30:44] This is a movie

[1:30:45] that is written

[1:30:46] by Taylor Sheridan

[1:30:48] who wrote the script

[1:30:49] for Sicario,

[1:30:51] another movie

[1:30:51] I really liked.

[1:30:53] And I feel like

[1:30:54] kind of watching this movie

[1:30:56] almost makes Sicario

[1:30:57] a better movie.

[1:31:00] Like,

[1:31:00] I think it adds

[1:31:00] a little bit of definition

[1:31:01] to it because this is a movie

[1:31:03] that is not very subtle.

[1:31:05] It's a movie that clearly

[1:31:06] has an agenda.

[1:31:07] It's not afraid

[1:31:08] to play up

[1:31:10] some of its feelings

[1:31:11] on

[1:31:12] the disparity

[1:31:15] of wealth

[1:31:16] in America.

[1:31:17] and it is a movie

[1:31:19] that treats

[1:31:21] every scene

[1:31:22] whether,

[1:31:24] even if they're just scenes

[1:31:25] that are mainly

[1:31:26] for exposition

[1:31:27] or to build out

[1:31:28] the plot,

[1:31:29] it treats those scenes

[1:31:31] as if

[1:31:33] they are interesting

[1:31:34] little mini stories

[1:31:36] and every character

[1:31:37] is given a little bit

[1:31:38] of extra definition.

[1:31:39] So it ends up being

[1:31:41] a very fun movie

[1:31:42] to watch.

[1:31:43] Chris Pine gives

[1:31:43] one of his best performances

[1:31:44] and Jeff Bridges

[1:31:45] is fucking great

[1:31:46] as always.

[1:31:48] And it's kind of

[1:31:49] a reminder

[1:31:49] as to why

[1:31:50] he's such a great actor

[1:31:51] and he's

[1:31:52] kind of so important

[1:31:53] to the American film scene.

[1:31:55] And it also

[1:31:56] highlights a great performance

[1:31:58] by Ben Foster

[1:31:59] who...

[1:32:01] Australian for Ben Beer.

[1:32:02] Yeah,

[1:32:02] that's the thing.

[1:32:05] Who is great

[1:32:06] in almost every movie

[1:32:07] and even if it's

[1:32:08] the remake

[1:32:09] of 310 to Yuma.

[1:32:11] He's awesome.

[1:32:12] He said that

[1:32:13] as if that was

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:13] the worst movie ever made.

[1:32:14] That is the worst movie

[1:32:15] I've ever seen.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:18] So if you get a chance

[1:32:19] go see

[1:32:20] watch

[1:32:22] Hell or High Water.

[1:32:23] It's great.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:26] Dan?

[1:32:27] Do you have a movie

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:28] you want me to get in?

Dan McCoy

[1:32:31] a little movie

[1:32:32] You say the word

[1:32:33] butts.

[1:32:34] Called

[1:32:34] Why are you making

[1:32:36] a weird face?

[1:32:36] Stop making sense.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:39] So you don't have

[1:32:39] a movie to recommend

[1:32:40] this week

[1:32:41] is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:41] No, hold on.

[1:32:42] a movie.

[1:32:43] It's the sequel

[1:32:44] it's called

[1:32:45] Castle Freak.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:46] Okay, go on.

[1:32:48] I've heard good things.

[1:32:49] Do you want to pass

[1:32:49] on this one?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:52] Dan hasn't been

[1:32:53] on planes lately guys.

[1:32:54] He's still working.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:55] Dan hasn't been

[1:32:55] on a mode of transportation

[1:32:56] so he hasn't seen

[1:32:57] any movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:57] I haven't had a chance

[1:32:58] to see anything else.

[1:33:01] You know what?

[1:33:02] I did a bunch of

[1:33:04] runner-up movies

[1:33:05] last week.

[1:33:06] Yeah, you wasted

[1:33:06] a lot of movies last week.

[1:33:07] I wasted a lot of movies.

[1:33:08] Let's just say

[1:33:09] that Elle,

[1:33:10] the Paul Verovan movie

[1:33:11] is definitely worth seeing.

[1:33:14] The movie hinges

[1:33:15] on a rape

[1:33:16] so if that

[1:33:17] is something

[1:33:18] that is a deal breaker

[1:33:19] for you

[1:33:19] in terms of

[1:33:20] watching a movie

[1:33:21] maybe it's not

[1:33:23] the movie for you

[1:33:23] but it's

[1:33:25] Isabelle

[1:33:26] Oupair

[1:33:27] is

[1:33:28] fantastic in it.

[1:33:31] It's

[1:33:31] fantastically directed.

[1:33:33] It's just

[1:33:34] I'm not quite sure

[1:33:35] what the movie's saying.

[1:33:37] It's a movie

[1:33:38] where

[1:33:39] Is it?

[1:33:41] It's in English, right?

[1:33:43] No.

[1:33:44] It is not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:45] Stuart winked at me

[1:33:46] and I appreciated it.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:48] It's a subtitled film.

[1:33:49] No subtitles?

[1:33:50] Was that the problem?

[1:33:51] It's a subtitled film.

[1:33:54] where the

[1:33:55] rape victim

[1:33:56] steadfastly

[1:33:57] refuses to

[1:33:58] behave as a victim

[1:33:59] whether it be

[1:34:00] by

[1:34:01] seeming victimized

[1:34:05] or whether it be

[1:34:06] by

[1:34:06] seeking revenge

[1:34:08] in an obvious way.

[1:34:12] where

[1:34:12] she actually

[1:34:13] ends up

[1:34:14] sort of engaging

[1:34:15] in

[1:34:15] a weird

[1:34:17] sexual cat and mouse

[1:34:19] with the

[1:34:20] person

[1:34:20] who was her

[1:34:21] rapist

[1:34:22] and

[1:34:23] it's a definite

[1:34:24] provocation

[1:34:26] from

[1:34:26] Verhoeven.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:29] Yeah,

[1:34:30] as it dealt

[1:34:30] with his

[1:34:30] classic

[1:34:32] subtle

[1:34:32] Verhoeven

[1:34:33] touch.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:34] It's more

[1:34:35] subtle than

[1:34:35] Verhoeven

[1:34:36] usually is.

[1:34:36] I will say

[1:34:37] that.

[1:34:38] And it's

[1:34:39] definitely worth

[1:34:39] watching.

[1:34:40] I just

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:40] the guy

[1:34:41] who made

[1:34:41] a movie

[1:34:42] where

[1:34:42] a Jewish

[1:34:43] woman

[1:34:43] goes

[1:34:44] undercover

[1:34:44] in

[1:34:45] Nazi

[1:34:45] Germany

[1:34:45] and

[1:34:46] there's

[1:34:46] a scene

[1:34:47] where

[1:34:47] she

[1:34:47] dyes

[1:34:48] her pubes

[1:34:49] blonde.

[1:34:51] Yes.

[1:34:52] Or the

[1:34:53] mayor of

[1:34:53] Detroit

[1:34:54] steps over

[1:34:54] a dying

[1:34:55] homeless

[1:34:55] person

[1:34:56] in the

[1:34:56] street.

[1:34:58] Actually,

Dan McCoy

[1:34:58] I don't think

[1:34:58] he made

[1:34:58] Robocop 2,

[1:34:59] right?

[1:35:00] No,

[1:35:00] no,

[1:35:00] he didn't

[1:35:00] make Robocop.

[1:35:00] He's not

[1:35:01] known for

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:02] nuke.

[1:35:05] I mean,

[1:35:05] Robocop is not

[1:35:06] particularly subtle

[1:35:07] either.

[1:35:07] It sounds like

[1:35:07] something that

Dan McCoy

[1:35:08] could take

[1:35:08] place in a

[1:35:09] Verhoeven

[1:35:09] movie.

[1:35:10] He's an

[1:35:12] interesting guy

[1:35:12] and I'm not

[1:35:13] quite sure

[1:35:14] what to make

[1:35:14] of L,

[1:35:15] but I also

[1:35:16] know that

[1:35:17] it was

[1:35:17] good and

[1:35:19] worth watching

[1:35:20] and worth

[1:35:21] wrestling with

[1:35:21] even if

[1:35:22] you're not

[1:35:23] what it's

[1:35:23] saying and

[1:35:24] you're not

[1:35:25] whether it's

[1:35:26] saying it

[1:35:27] in a

[1:35:28] responsible

[1:35:28] way.

[1:35:30] It's a

[1:35:30] smart and

[1:35:31] interesting

[1:35:31] movie.

[1:35:32] So it'll

[1:35:32] make you

[1:35:33] think.

[1:35:34] It'll

[1:35:34] make you

[1:35:34] blink.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:35] L.

[1:35:36] Well,

[1:35:36] I feel like

[1:35:37] Paul Verhoeven

[1:35:37] is one of

[1:35:37] those filmmakers

[1:35:38] who is,

[1:35:40] I mean,

[1:35:41] generally will

[1:35:42] make interesting

[1:35:42] movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:43] And also

[1:35:43] someone where

[1:35:44] you are

[1:35:45] not buying

[1:35:46] into what

[1:35:47] he's selling

[1:35:48] if you take

[1:35:48] everything at

[1:35:49] face value

[1:35:49] in his films.

[1:35:51] Correct.

[1:35:52] That you can

[1:35:52] take things at

[1:35:53] face values,

[1:35:54] but you'll be

[1:35:54] missing what

[1:35:55] he's actually

[1:35:56] saying through

[1:35:56] it.

[1:35:58] It's up to

[1:35:58] you to puzzle

[1:35:59] that out.

[1:36:00] It's like

[1:36:01] Total Recall.

[1:36:04] So my movie

[1:36:05] that I'm going

[1:36:06] to recommend

[1:36:06] is not

[1:36:08] Total Recall.

[1:36:09] It's an old

[1:36:09] movie.

[1:36:10] It's Scrotal Recall.

[1:36:10] The TV show

[1:36:11] that just changed

[1:36:12] its name.

[1:36:13] What a name.

[1:36:14] They changed

[1:36:14] the name of the

[1:36:15] show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:15] Why do they

[1:36:15] change the name?

[1:36:16] Because Scrotal Recall

[1:36:17] is a terrible name.

[1:36:18] But it's for fans

[1:36:20] of Total Recall.

[1:36:21] It's not.

[1:36:21] Scrotums.

[1:36:22] It's neither of

[1:36:23] those things.

[1:36:23] That's why they

[1:36:24] changed it.

[1:36:24] So it's not

[1:36:25] like one of those

[1:36:26] Veggie Tales

[1:36:26] type movie,

[1:36:27] but instead of

[1:36:28] veggies,

[1:36:28] it's a pair of

[1:36:29] testicles going

[1:36:30] through the story

[1:36:31] of Total Recall.

[1:36:31] It is not that.

[1:36:32] Scrotal Recall,

Dan McCoy

[1:36:33] the treasure of

[1:36:34] the lost lamp.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:38] So I'm going to

[1:36:39] recommend a movie

[1:36:39] now.

[1:36:41] directed by

[1:36:41] Carol Reed,

[1:36:42] who directed

[1:36:43] one of my

[1:36:43] favorite movies

[1:36:44] of all time,

[1:36:45] The Third Man.

[1:36:46] And this is one

[1:36:47] that I actually

[1:36:47] was not even

[1:36:48] familiar with

[1:36:49] until I recently

[1:36:50] read an old

[1:36:51] interview with him

[1:36:51] and it came up

[1:36:52] and it was really,

[1:36:53] really good and I

[1:36:54] really liked it a lot.

[1:36:55] It's called

[1:36:55] Outcast of the Islands

[1:36:56] and it's an

[1:36:57] adaptation of

[1:36:58] Joseph Conrad's

[1:36:59] An Outcast of the

[1:37:00] Islands.

[1:37:00] Joseph Conrad being

[1:37:02] one of my favorite

[1:37:03] authors,

[1:37:04] it's strange that I

[1:37:05] am not familiar

[1:37:05] with this movie

[1:37:06] and yet I wasn't

[1:37:07] until I read it

[1:37:08] mentioned.

[1:37:09] And it's got an

[1:37:10] all-star English

[1:37:11] cast,

[1:37:11] Ralph Richardson,

[1:37:12] Trevor Howard,

[1:37:13] Robert Morley,

[1:37:14] who you may

[1:37:14] remember as the

[1:37:15] English guy

[1:37:16] the Muppets meet

[1:37:16] when they first

[1:37:17] land in England

[1:37:17] in Great Muppet

[1:37:18] Caper.

[1:37:19] Oh yeah.

[1:37:20] George Caloris

[1:37:21] and it's all,

[1:37:22] being a Joseph

[1:37:23] Conrad story,

[1:37:24] it's all about

[1:37:24] life both on the

[1:37:26] sea and in

[1:37:26] tropical isles.

[1:37:28] Trevor Howard

[1:37:28] plays...

[1:37:29] Imperialism.

[1:37:31] Yes.

[1:37:31] And that's the

[1:37:32] one thing I don't

[1:37:32] like about Joseph

[1:37:33] Conrad is you

[1:37:33] have to grapple

[1:37:34] with basically

[1:37:36] imperialism and

[1:37:37] his own feelings

[1:37:38] on that.

[1:37:39] And the one

[1:37:40] flaw in this

[1:37:42] is that there's

[1:37:44] a fair amount

[1:37:44] of English

[1:37:45] actors playing

[1:37:46] these kind

[1:37:47] of either

[1:37:47] they're kind

[1:37:48] of Sri Lankan

[1:37:49] or Javanese

[1:37:50] or some kind

[1:37:51] of non-white

[1:37:52] characters.

[1:37:53] So that's not

[1:37:54] so great,

[1:37:54] but what are you

[1:37:54] going to do?

[1:37:55] from the 50s.

[1:37:56] And everyone's

[1:37:57] really good in it.

[1:37:58] But Trevor Howard

[1:37:59] plays this kind

[1:38:01] of ne'er-do-well

[1:38:02] blaggard rogue.

[1:38:04] He is a real

[1:38:04] steer bike.

[1:38:06] Remy Lebeau type.

[1:38:07] Who has...

[1:38:08] is in Singapore

[1:38:09] working as a

[1:38:11] trader and has

[1:38:12] pissed off his

[1:38:13] boss and he

[1:38:14] has to leave.

[1:38:15] Years ago he

[1:38:16] was the protege

[1:38:16] of a captain

[1:38:17] played by

[1:38:18] Ralph Richardson

[1:38:18] and this

[1:38:19] captain has a

[1:38:21] special route

[1:38:21] only he knows

[1:38:22] about to this

[1:38:23] village that he

[1:38:24] can trade in

[1:38:25] and where he

[1:38:25] can exchange

[1:38:26] things and get

[1:38:27] valuable things.

[1:38:28] Everyone wants

[1:38:29] to know this

[1:38:29] route because

[1:38:29] they all want

[1:38:30] to get to

[1:38:30] this trading

[1:38:30] territory.

[1:38:31] But Ralph

[1:38:32] Richardson is the

[1:38:32] only one who

[1:38:33] knows how to

[1:38:33] get there.

[1:38:34] And because

[1:38:34] years ago he

[1:38:35] took Trevor

[1:38:36] Howard under

[1:38:36] his wing,

[1:38:37] he decides he's

[1:38:38] going to try to

[1:38:39] do it again and

[1:38:40] try to save this

[1:38:40] man from his

[1:38:41] own sins again

[1:38:42] and brings him

[1:38:44] to that village

[1:38:45] and everything

[1:38:45] goes wrong.

[1:38:46] Trevor Howard

[1:38:47] doesn't get along

[1:38:47] with the guy

[1:38:48] running the place

[1:38:49] for the captain

[1:38:49] and he falls

[1:38:51] under the spell

[1:38:51] of the daughter

[1:38:52] of a rival

[1:38:53] village headman

[1:38:56] and she

[1:38:57] essentially drives

[1:38:59] him into a state

[1:39:00] of madness and he

[1:39:01] betrays everyone

[1:39:01] he knows and has

[1:39:03] to face up to

[1:39:03] the consequences.

[1:39:05] And you know

[1:39:06] it's a tale of

[1:39:07] men going insane

[1:39:08] and fighting tooth

[1:39:10] and nail for

[1:39:10] things that don't

[1:39:11] really belong to

[1:39:12] them in the first

[1:39:12] place.

[1:39:13] And I really

[1:39:14] liked it a lot.

[1:39:15] It was super

[1:39:15] intense.

[1:39:16] It reminded me

[1:39:16] of like kind

[1:39:17] of a men

[1:39:18] version of

[1:39:19] Black Narcissus

[1:39:20] in some ways.

[1:39:21] And I liked

[1:39:22] a lot.

[1:39:22] Outcast of the

[1:39:23] Islands.

[1:39:23] If you like

[1:39:24] the third man

[1:39:24] give it a try.

[1:39:26] How's the

[1:39:27] zither in it?

[1:39:29] No it's not

[1:39:30] zither music.

[1:39:31] Fuck that.

[1:39:31] It's not exactly

[1:39:33] like the third

[1:39:34] man.

[1:39:34] But it is like

[1:39:35] the third man

[1:39:36] in that it

[1:39:37] looks great and

[1:39:37] the actors are

[1:39:38] great and the

[1:39:38] story is really

[1:39:39] interesting and

[1:39:39] there's good

[1:39:40] dialogue.

[1:39:41] But it is no

[1:39:41] zither.

[1:39:42] Or Joseph Cotton's

Dan McCoy

[1:39:44] not in it.

[1:39:45] Alita Valley's

[1:39:46] not in it.

[1:39:47] No thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:48] The closest you

[1:39:49] get is Karima.

[1:39:50] Karima Abdul-Jabbar.

[1:39:54] Yeah exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:57] So three great

[1:39:59] recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:01] Dan are we

[1:40:02] heading to the

[1:40:03] end of the

[1:40:03] episode?

[1:40:03] We are

Dan McCoy

[1:40:04] heading we

[1:40:05] are hurtling

[1:40:05] towards the

[1:40:06] end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:06] Dan I was

[1:40:07] wondering.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:07] We're slouching

[1:40:08] toward the end

[1:40:08] of this year

[1:40:09] guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:10] I wondered if

[1:40:10] I could end

[1:40:11] this episode

[1:40:11] end of this

[1:40:12] year with a

[1:40:12] short prayer.

[1:40:14] Sure.

[1:40:14] I guess saying

[1:40:15] saving Christmas

[1:40:16] last episode and

[1:40:17] knowing that it's

[1:40:18] pulling out a gun

[1:40:19] for some reason.

[1:40:20] It's Cage

[1:40:20] Miss at all.

[1:40:21] I felt like I

[1:40:23] just want to

[1:40:23] save you things.

[1:40:24] So dear

[1:40:26] this year was

[1:40:28] really difficult

[1:40:28] for a lot of

[1:40:29] people.

[1:40:29] A lot of our

[1:40:30] listeners.

[1:40:30] A lot of people

[1:40:31] who don't listen

[1:40:31] to us.

[1:40:32] And I worry

[1:40:33] that the future

[1:40:33] may be difficult

[1:40:34] too.

[1:40:35] So I ask you

[1:40:37] please use your

[1:40:39] power from where

[1:40:40] you sit high above

[1:40:41] us in that castle

[1:40:42] in Germany to

[1:40:43] please help us

[1:40:45] bring the best of

[1:40:46] this world that we

[1:40:46] can and to make

[1:40:47] things a little

[1:40:48] better.

[1:40:49] Please give us

[1:40:49] at least three

[1:40:51] movies we can

[1:40:51] watch next year

[1:40:52] because your output

[1:40:53] has not been what

[1:40:54] it once was and

[1:40:55] it's making it more

[1:40:56] difficult for us to

[1:40:56] do two Cage

[1:40:57] misses a year.

[1:40:58] three Nicolas Cage

[1:40:59] movies on demand

[1:41:00] right now.

[1:41:01] That's a good

[1:41:02] point.

[1:41:02] You know what

[1:41:03] Nicolas?

[1:41:04] Stuart makes a

[1:41:04] good point.

[1:41:05] So forget that I

[1:41:06] said that last

[1:41:06] part but St.

[1:41:08] Nicholas please

[1:41:09] continue to be a

[1:41:10] beacon for us

[1:41:10] in these times of

[1:41:12] misunderstanding.

[1:41:13] It is inspiring to

[1:41:14] me that a great

[1:41:15] artist such as

[1:41:15] yourself can

[1:41:17] shoulder past the

[1:41:18] misunderstanding of

[1:41:19] others and their

[1:41:20] misreading of your

[1:41:21] work and instead

[1:41:22] continue to do what

[1:41:24] you do at the

[1:41:25] level of energy and

[1:41:26] enthusiasm you do

[1:41:27] it at.

[1:41:28] May we all take an

[1:41:29] example from this

[1:41:30] Nicolas Cage and in

[1:41:31] these future times

[1:41:33] really push forward

[1:41:34] with as much energy

[1:41:35] as we can.

[1:41:35] Just as boring as

Dan McCoy

[1:41:36] regular church.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:37] You know it

[1:41:38] reminds me of a

[1:41:39] reading in Face

[1:41:41] Off Book 3

[1:41:42] Verse 2.

[1:41:44] I could eat a

[1:41:44] peach for hours.

[1:41:46] Oh yay did he

[1:41:48] see next.

[1:41:51] Let us all eat a

[1:41:54] peach for hours.

[1:41:56] And let us push

[1:41:58] forward being the

[1:41:59] best that we can

[1:42:00] as our Lord

[1:42:01] Nicolas Cage is the

[1:42:03] best he can be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:04] May his movies

[1:42:05] continue to be a

[1:42:06] symbol of his

[1:42:07] individuality and

[1:42:08] belief in personal

[1:42:09] freedom.

[1:42:11] Nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:12] May we all say.

[1:42:13] Nice reference.

[1:42:13] I got it.

[1:42:14] Amen.

[1:42:15] Amen.

[1:42:17] So thank you for

[1:42:19] the Flophouse.

[1:42:20] I've been Dan

[1:42:21] McCoy.

[1:42:22] That's been Elliot

[1:42:23] Kalin.

[1:42:24] And over there is

[1:42:24] Stuart Wellington.

[1:42:26] Boi-o-o-ing.

[1:42:28] Good night everyone

[1:42:29] and happy holidays.

[1:42:36] Price of my love's

[1:42:38] not a price that

[1:42:39] you're willing to

[1:42:39] pay.

[1:42:41] You cry in your

[1:42:44] tea which you

[1:42:45] throw in the sea

[1:42:46] when you see me

[1:42:47] ride by.

[1:42:49] Why so sad?

[1:42:51] No no it's like

[1:42:52] this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:53] Why so serious

Dan McCoy

[1:42:56] King George?

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:58] Yep.

[1:42:59] Well Commissioner

[1:43:00] Hamilton.

[1:43:03] That's from

[1:43:04] Dark Knight-leton.

[1:43:07] The Hamilton

[1:43:07] Dark Knight

[1:43:08] Mashemops Mashem.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:09] That would be

[1:43:10] huge.

[1:43:12] Maximumfun.org

[1:43:13] Comedy and culture.

[1:43:15] Artist owned.

[1:43:16] Listener supported.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:19] I'm Hal Lublin.

[1:43:20] I'm Danielle

[1:43:21] Radford.

[1:43:21] I am Michael

[1:43:22] Eagle.

[1:43:22] And we are the

[1:43:23] hosts of Tights

[1:43:23] and Fights

[1:43:24] Maximum Fun's

[1:43:25] newest podcast

[1:43:25] dedicated to all

[1:43:27] things wrestling.

S4

[1:43:28] We'll be talking

[1:43:28] about Sasha Banks,

[1:43:29] the Women's

[1:43:30] Revolution,

[1:43:31] Sasha Banks,

[1:43:32] the Brand Split,

[1:43:33] and Sasha Banks'

[1:43:34] wigs.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:34] And we'll also be

[1:43:35] talking about

[1:43:35] wrestler fashion.

[1:43:36] Some wrestlers

[1:43:37] wear too many

[1:43:38] clothes.

[1:43:38] Some wrestlers

[1:43:39] don't wear enough

[1:43:39] clothes at all.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:40] And I'll be doing

[1:43:41] impressions of all

[1:43:42] your favorite

[1:43:43] wrestlers.

[1:43:44] New episodes

[1:43:44] Thursdays on

[1:43:46] Maximum Fun

[1:43:46] or wherever

[1:43:47] you get your

[1:43:48] podcasts.

[1:43:49] Oh yeah,

[1:43:50] dig it.

[1:43:50] Tights and

[1:43:51] Bites

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:52] Podcast

[1:43:53] Tights and

[1:43:56] Bites

[1:43:58] What do

S4

[1:44:01] Maria Bamford,

[1:44:02] Jad Abumrad,

[1:44:03] Dick Cavett,

[1:44:04] Phoebe Robinson,

[1:44:05] Dan Deacon,

[1:44:06] W. Kamau

[1:44:07] Bell, Brooke

[1:44:07] Gladstone,

[1:44:08] and Andrew W.K.

[1:44:09] have in common?

[1:44:11] They've all been

[1:44:11] speakers and

[1:44:12] performers at

[1:44:13] past MaxFunCons.

[1:44:15] Every MaxFunCon

[1:44:16] is a murderer's

[1:44:17] row of amazing

[1:44:18] stand-up comedians,

[1:44:19] thoughtful cultural

[1:44:20] leaders, and

[1:44:20] skilled artists.

[1:44:22] And MaxFunCon

[1:44:23] and MaxFunCon

[1:44:23] East 2017

[1:44:24] will be no

[1:44:25] different.

[1:44:26] Visit

[1:44:26] MaxFunCon.com

[1:44:27] for dates

[1:44:28] and more

[1:44:29] information and

[1:44:29] to grab your

[1:44:30] ticket before

[1:44:31] they're gone.

Ep.#220 - The Trust

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