Ep. #221 - Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice.

[0:05] The movie that dares to ask and answer the question,

[0:09] what's the proper place for a battle of titans between a man of steel who represents all of our best

[0:14] and a man of the night who fights for justice?

[0:17] Answer, a filthy abandoned men's room.

[0:30] The movie that dares to ask and answer the question,

[1:00] I decided I'd stop using that crazy high-pitched nerd voice I've been using all this time

[1:05] and use my own natural voice that you guys are used to hearing outside of the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11] Oh, I mean, I appreciate it. I'm sure the listeners appreciate it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14] It's a little bit like getting a smooth chocolate bath in your ear.

[1:19] And up to this point, I decided the listeners weren't worth it.

[1:24] But you know what? If you've stuck with it this long, hear my natural voice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30] Wow, there's a little bit of a southern twang there, too.

[1:33] Southern New Jersey, I'm assuming.

[1:34] Well, no, I grew up in New Orleans.

[1:37] Oh, wow, the Big Easy.

[1:38] The Big Easy, we call it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] You know, when my grandmammy was making gumbo on a voodoo stew pot,

[1:45] Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street jazz,

[1:47] what's some other New Orleans stuff?

[1:50] Crawdaddies.

[1:52] Crawdaddies.

[1:53] Crawdaddies.

[1:54] Crawdaddies quadrilles. Is that what they dance there?

[1:58] Beignets.

[1:59] Beignets a donut.

Dan McCoy

[2:02] Ben, yay.

[2:05] For these beignets.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] Not even a joker.

[2:08] Nope.

[2:09] Dan, oh, Dan, you.

[2:11] That joke knocked the cool right out of my voice.

[2:15] Now I'm back to sounding like this.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] It reminds me of the online commenter who was like,

[2:20] why does that guy put that fake voice on?

[2:23] Oh, the online commenter?

[2:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:25] As if that was one person who asked that?

[2:27] I think Elliot's wife, Danielle, has asked that question.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] Okay, that's too harsh.

[2:33] Okay, I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[2:34] What, it's too harsh to assume that she listens to our podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] Oh, Stu.

[2:42] Okay.

[2:42] It's funny because it's true.

[2:43] She doesn't know what this is about.

Stuart Wellington

[2:45] So it's 2017, guys.

[2:47] It's a whole.

[2:47] Not your daddy's year.

[2:49] And so we watched not.

[2:50] I mean, considering.

Dan McCoy

[2:52] Literally not the year my daddy was born.

[2:54] Wait, what?

Stuart Wellington

[2:56] So now we're watching not your daddy's superhero movie,

[2:59] Bats and Soups, Dawn of Justice.

Elliott Kalan

[3:00] What a smooth segue.

[3:02] But first, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[3:04] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie,

[3:06] and then we talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:07] And Stuart, you already mentioned,

[3:08] what's the movie we watched?

[3:10] Well, see, this is not your daddy's podcast.

Dan McCoy

[3:15] Stuart's just been doing this all night with everything.

[3:17] He's like, took a sip of his beer.

[3:19] He's like, hmm, this is not your daddy's beer.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Walks off, entering the bathroom.

[3:23] Time to take not your daddy's poop.

Stuart Wellington

[3:26] Of course not.

[3:27] That'd be crazy.

[3:28] Do I keep it in a Ziploc bag and stuff it in my pocket?

[3:31] Yep.

[3:32] Just dump it in the toilet.

[3:33] And how did I get it?

[3:35] Did I trick him into shitting into a bag?

[3:37] I don't know.

[3:38] I don't know why your dad has you taking care of his poop disposal.

[3:41] No, he said your dad.

[3:42] It's nuts.

[3:42] It's your dad.

[3:43] This is certainly my daddy's shit.

[3:47] That's how matter works, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] It can neither be created nor destroyed, even poop.

Dan McCoy

[3:52] So you're saying that because you're the spawn of your dad,

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] your poop is inherently your daddy's poop.

[3:59] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] So yeah, I mean, if you were to, I'm assuming if you took a DNA sample.

[4:06] Nope.

[4:07] It would be the same.

[4:08] Not at all.

[4:09] Not in the least.

[4:11] I'm not Polly Perrette, the character from NCIS, the goth girl.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Can't say I know the names of any of the characters on NCIS.

[4:19] Come on, dude.

[4:20] All I know about the world of NCIS is if two people use a computer keyboard, it types faster.

[4:26] Yeah.

[4:27] Okay, well, let's move on.

[4:28] So we watched Batman v Superman, Dawn of Justice.

Stuart Wellington

[4:32] A movie that was, I guess, much hyped up when it came out, right?

[4:37] Everybody was pumped.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Sure.

[4:39] Yeah.

[4:39] It was the sequel to Man of Steel, a movie I have yet to see.

[4:43] And I really didn't like.

[4:45] I saw the commercials for Man of Steel and I said, I guess I'll have to see that to stay current in the nerd discussion, debate.

[4:52] And then I said, I know I'm not going to like it, so I'm not going to see it.

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:58] And I didn't, and I never regretted it.

[5:00] Man of Steel was one of those movies.

[5:02] And it saved you from talking to all those nerds.

[5:04] Which was also nice.

[5:06] Or when I did talk to them, I could talk to them about like Dune or something I like, you know.

[5:10] Brandon Graham's Prophet, something good.

Stuart Wellington

[5:12] Oh, when the final book comes out next week.

[5:14] Sorry to date the podcast, guys.

[5:18] People will listen to it and be like, oh, the days of yore when we were expecting Prophet Earth War to come out.

[5:26] In 3017.

[5:27] I don't know exactly what it is.

Elliott Kalan

[5:29] Because they'll be dating it.

[5:31] They'll be dating this as year zero BPEW before Prophet Earth War.

[5:38] BPEW TPB.

[5:39] Because it's already been out in individual issues before Prophet Earth War or Trade Paperback.

[5:43] And next year will be one BPEW TPB and so forth.

Dan McCoy

[5:48] And they'll literally be dating it.

[5:49] Because in the future, you'll be able to date a podcast.

[5:52] That's the slippery slope.

[5:53] That's the slippery slope, Elliot.

[5:55] That this permissive society is allowing.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] I mean, we're going to have to fall pretty far down that slope to get to that point.

Stuart Wellington

[6:02] Jane's working on a screenplay where somebody dates a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] It's kind of like her or Ex Machina.

[6:09] I mean, the thing is, if it's like her, then you could date the podcast by just listening to the podcast and talking back to it as if you're having a conversation.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] In a way, all you listeners are dating this podcast, I guess.

[6:22] And then you have to listen to our jibber jabber.

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] And much like most dates, it's not going to get you anywhere.

[6:27] Dan reveals a deep understanding of human relationships just there.

[6:31] Yeah, that's the way it is.

[6:32] That's what dating is, right?

[6:33] Putting up with jibber jabber.

Dan McCoy

[6:34] Any sort of relationship with another humor.

[6:36] With another humor?

[6:38] With another humor.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] You know, bile.

[6:40] Black bile.

[6:41] Yeah, yeah.

[6:42] Flam.

[6:43] The other ones.

[6:44] Other stuff.

[6:46] So, okay, so ladies man Casanova Dan McCoy states that interacting with another human being is just putting up a jibber jabber.

[6:55] And Superman v. Batman kind of bears that out.

[6:58] Because for a movie that should be built around a fight between a guy in a red and blue circus costume and a man dressed as a flying rodent, there's a lot of jibber jabber in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[7:10] And startling amounts of no jibber jabber at all.

[7:14] I guess so.

[7:16] You were complaining early on that there were whole scenes where there was just no dialogue.

[7:20] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] But then the movie heard that complaint and reacted with too many scenes full of too much dialogue.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] They're like, oh, you want some dialogue?

[7:28] Here's Jesse Eisenberg.

Dan McCoy

[7:31] With a weird voice that this movie has.

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] It's me, Zack Snyder.

Stuart Wellington

[7:37] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[7:37] Zack Snyder's a huge fan.

[7:39] You may remember me.

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] I'm surprised you didn't refer to yourself by your actual title, visionary director Zack Snyder.

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] It's me, visionary director Zack Snyder.

Stuart Wellington

[7:50] He sounds a little like New Zealand.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] I throw the fish and they come back to me.

[7:55] Who's the guy from the B-52s?

[7:57] Was that Fred Schneider?

[7:58] Fred Schneider.

[7:58] Okay, so they're related.

Stuart Wellington

[7:59] That's why.

[8:00] Oh, wait.

[8:00] Fred Schneider.

[8:02] Zack Snyder.

[8:04] We're talking about two Jewish people, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] Snyder's pretzels.

[8:09] It's all coming together.

[8:10] Wait.

[8:10] Look at that wall where I've got that yarn tacked up between headlines.

[8:16] Tom Snyder, of course.

Stuart Wellington

[8:18] Batman 66 is out again.

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] So, let's quickly run through the plot.

[8:23] There's a lot of plot in this movie, but it's mostly nonsensical and incomprehensible.

[8:27] So, this movie picks up in the ashes of Man of Steel.

[8:31] Well, it retcons Man of Steel so that Bruce Wayne was at the site of the climactic destruction of Metropolis.

[8:38] Bruce Wayne hears about it, takes a helicopter there, drives into the city so that he can save like three people, I guess, which is more than nothing.

[8:47] And he single-handedly lifts a girder off the crushed legs of his employee, which is crazy.

[8:53] Like, that's insane.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] Well, the best part is that it isn't until he lands in his helicopter and the city is being attacked by alien spaceships and super beings that he calls up his – it was a –

[9:04] It's his headquarters there.

[9:06] Yeah, it was his business.

[9:07] And he's like, hey, guys, you can all leave.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] You get the day off.

[9:11] And the employees are all in there in the building looking out the window watching destruction and then they're like – and the boss goes, okay, you can go.

[9:18] And they all start leaving.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] Yeah, they're like clearly counting down to five o'clock.

[9:20] They're like, oh, shit.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] Guys, you're not fleeing that alien destruction until the Henderson report is on my desk.

Stuart Wellington

[9:28] I need you to run those numbers.

[9:30] He's like, it's going to count as a sick day, but you can go.

[9:35] Be back in the rubble all the earlier the next morning.

Elliott Kalan

[9:39] Call HR tomorrow.

[9:40] This is a personal day unless you work Sunday.

[9:44] Ooh.

[9:45] Anyway, besides that.

Stuart Wellington

[9:47] So we're given some lovely footage that calls to mind September 11th for everybody who's forgotten.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] Oh, yeah, Bruce Wayne walks into a big cloud of dust and ash so that he can save the life of a little girl.

[10:01] And this makes him mad at Superman because Superman, I don't know, did all this.

Dan McCoy

[10:06] Yeah, I mean, if anything, I mean, you know, maybe he can't be blamed for Zod coming down and being shit up, but he can be blamed for maybe not leading Zod away from Metropolis and just like instead just throwing him into buildings and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[10:23] At least throw him into the iZod store.

[10:26] Yeah.

[10:26] Which would at least be a play on words.

[10:28] Yeah, everyone would be delighted by that.

Stuart Wellington

[10:31] Yeah, he came walking out covered in iZod clothing.

[10:33] And those little alligators.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] That's Lacoste.

[10:36] Never mind.

[10:36] What does iZod have?

[10:39] I was going to say he got bitten by all the little alligators on the clothes, but that's Lacoste clothing.

[10:43] Oh.

[10:44] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] Lacoste is French for crocodile.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] French for the cost.

[10:51] Oh, sure.

[10:52] Now, Batman is mad.

[10:54] Bruce Wayne is Batman.

[10:55] What?

[10:56] Sorry, Dan.

[10:57] I hate to break it to you this way.

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] I've got to call the newspapers.

[11:00] We're giving a pretty quick rundown of the Batman backstory a little bit.

[11:06] Just like a little bit of his origin, which is fine.

[11:09] We don't need a ton of it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] No, no, no.

[11:10] But here's the thing.

[11:11] It's presented as a nonlinear silent tableau, the kind of thing Zack Snyder loves, of his parents being killed in a mugging.

[11:18] And then him finding – this is a scene from what?

[11:21] Batman Year One?

[11:22] Or is it Dark Knight Returns?

[11:23] I don't remember.

[11:24] Where he finds the cave full of bats.

[11:26] And they swirl around him.

[11:27] Yeah, as he runs away from the funeral.

[11:29] And at first he's scared, but according to the movie, the bats are flying around at such an enormous speed that the wind velocity of it lifts him into the air and out of the hole.

[11:41] Like there's some kind of blast of air underneath him, but it's slowly lifting him.

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] Why do we fall, Mr. Bruce?

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] It's like – it's such a – and I guess a lot of the movie is the visual theme.

Stuart Wellington

[11:57] You guys missed it.

[11:57] Michael Caine was just here doing his line.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] Oh, I missed it.

[12:00] Oh, wow.

[12:00] Sorry.

[12:01] Sir Michael, are you still here?

[12:03] I was just doing my line.

[12:06] Wow.

[12:08] Really?

[12:10] Are you doing an impression of somebody else, Michael Caine?

[12:12] I'm done.

Elliott Kalan

[12:12] I'm done.

[12:12] You're one.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] The one line you're known for.

[12:15] I just stopped by and did my line.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Just doing the most famous Michael Caine line.

[12:21] Why do we fall, Mr. Bruce?

[12:24] People ask me all the time, why do we fall, Mr. Bruce?

[12:28] Alfie?

[12:29] I told you this.

[12:32] You're only supposed to blow the why do we fall, Bruce.

[12:36] Okay.

[12:38] Woo.

[12:38] I got that out of my system.

[12:40] The visual themes in this movie are people flying, angel wings, bat wings.

[12:45] Yeah.

[12:45] Done and done.

[12:46] It's Batman versus Superman.

[12:48] Superman is being treated as a sort of super man, like a god who's saving people all the time.

[12:55] And that makes certain people uncomfortable.

[12:56] Specifically, certain senators and also Lex Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg.

Dan McCoy

[13:02] Also –

[13:03] The whole cast is overqualified, tip to toe.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] Diane Lane's in it for a little bit.

[13:08] Yep.

[13:08] I think the ghost of Cary Grant showed up at one point in the big party scene.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] He goes, hello, hello, Batman, you crazy Batman.

[13:19] It's the worst impressions we've ever done.

[13:23] It's a cavalcade of bad impressions here on the floor.

[13:25] And then Humphrey Bogart walked in.

Elliott Kalan

[13:27] It's me, Humphrey Bogart.

[13:30] Oh, wow.

[13:31] You sound a lot different in person.

[13:34] They use a lot of audio trickery to make me sound better.

[13:41] Hello, hello, it's me, Peter Lorre.

Stuart Wellington

[13:44] Wow.

[13:45] Named after, what, a street car?

[13:46] Named after a truck.

[13:48] That's what a Lorre is.

Dan McCoy

[13:49] It's me, Catherine Eppin.

[13:51] Da-da-da-da-da-da.

[13:53] I make a real nice Philadelphia story for you.

[13:56] Just for you, eh?

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] We get on a gold upon, eh?

[14:00] You old poop?

[14:04] That's what she says in it.

[14:07] We bring up a baby just for you, nice and hot.

Stuart Wellington

[14:12] The last ethnic slur we can do, everybody.

[14:14] Okay.

[14:16] So, yeah, we got some baths and soups.

[14:19] We don't really see much Superman as his alter ego, Clark Kent.

[14:23] We get a little bit.

[14:23] Every now and then.

[14:24] We get a sense that he's a very bad reporter.

[14:26] And we get the feeling like Superman is definitely apart from humanity.

[14:32] Yes.

[14:33] Even the scenes where he's like, there's a montage of him saving people and preventing disasters,

[14:38] but it's shot very darkly and the music is ominous.

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] Well, yeah, and the tone of the whole movie is dark, ominous, except for like the last five minutes of the climactic action scene, basically.

[14:54] The tone of the movie is like, hey, the Superman Batman movie?

[14:58] This is punishment that you're watching it.

[15:00] Like, this is homework.

[15:02] This is not.

[15:03] This is a hair shirt for you to wear, comic nerd.

[15:06] Hey, you know what?

[15:07] This movie about a flying alien, a handsome flying alien who's going to have a fist fight with a wealthy billionaire with a supercar.

[15:17] This is repentance for you.

[15:19] Like, you're atoning for something by watching this movie, and it's not going to be fun.

[15:23] No one's here to have fun.

[15:25] And if you start having fun, I'm turning the whole movie around.

[15:28] Me, visionary director Zach Snyder.

Dan McCoy

[15:31] Hey, guys.

[15:32] I'm back again.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] I'm back again with my hit film, Batman v Superman.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] It's going out to Janine in San Diego.

[15:41] Here's Batman v Superman, coming at you live.

[15:45] Now, Clark Kent.

[15:46] We got a lot of differing Zach Snyder voice.

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] Well, he's a visionary.

[15:49] He can do many things.

[15:51] But you're right.

[15:51] Like, before Superman saves someone, he likes to float above them, just looking down at them, as if to establish, I'm better than you, and I am deigning to save you.

[16:02] Like, this is a Superman.

[16:03] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:04] It almost feels like he's, like, weighing the scales.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] Yeah, this is Superman who I think really gets off on the power he holds over other people, which is—

Stuart Wellington

[16:14] At least the perspective of the viewers that he has.

Elliott Kalan

[16:16] Yes.

[16:16] I mean, which is a valid characteristic for a superhero character.

[16:21] It's an interesting way to look at it, like a character who is really, like, feels like a kind of—does feel a sense of kind of sinister empowerment by the fact that he can save people, and he gets to choose whether to save them.

[16:33] But it's not the traditional view of Superman, which is as, like, the best guy in the world who just loves saving people and doing stuff.

[16:40] The Superman in this movie is often very late to saving people and very choosy.

[16:45] Like, he'll fly around the world to save a girl from a burning building, but if a bomb goes off in the Capitol building and he's standing right there, he just kind of leaves afterwards.

[16:57] Mm-hmm.

[16:57] Like, he is not a Superman who, like, loves saving people.

[17:01] He just kind of does it begrudgingly, you know?

[17:04] But anyway—

Stuart Wellington

[17:04] Yeah, and he moves very, very slow and then super-duper fast.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] At the same time, Clark Kent is obsessed with this Batman story in Gotham.

[17:12] There's some kind of vigilante who's beating up—he seems to assume right off the bat that Batman is beating up mostly poor people,

[17:18] which the movie doesn't quite bear out, and I don't know why Clark Kent gets that assumption.

Stuart Wellington

[17:24] Well, it's kind of weird.

[17:25] They put a little bit of effort into establishing Bruce Wayne's backstory, but not really Batman's backstory in a way.

[17:34] Yeah.

[17:34] Because they just immediately—unless I missed something, which could have happened—they immediately throw us into a situation where some police are responding to something only to find, like, a slave ring, like a women's slave ring,

[17:48] and some baddie that Batman has chained to a—

[17:52] A radiator.

[17:54] And then Batman's hanging from the ceiling.

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] And that he chained to a radiator and then burned a bat symbol into with a brand.

[18:00] And that's apparently not the first one he's done that to.

[18:02] That's his calling card.

[18:04] You know, it's called publicity, Elliot.

[18:06] You gotta get it out there.

[18:07] You gotta make the—I mean, it literally is a brand.

[18:09] He's gotta get his brand out there, and what better way than literally branding people?

[18:13] So there's a—

[18:14] Now that Izod is through the roof.

Stuart Wellington

[18:17] And there's this great scene of him hanging in the corner, and the guy—the cop sees him and starts blasting shotguns at him,

[18:24] and he, like, skitters away like he's one of the demons from Legion or something.

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] But the implication is—I mean, but the weird thing is that—so Clark Kent seems to be mad that there's this vigilante on the loose,

[18:36] and the police in Gotham seem to be okay with it and aiding and abetting him.

[18:40] The policeman in this scene, he doesn't know what the hell he just saw.

[18:43] And they got—I was worried they were gonna do what the first Tim Burton Batman movie did,

[18:48] where Batman is clearly a man in a suit, and he picks a guy up with his own hands and says,

[18:53] I'm Batman.

[18:54] And then when the guy's arrested, he's like, it was a giant bat!

[18:57] A giant bat attacked me!

[18:59] And it was like, a giant bat who had arms and, like, a face, and he talked to you and says,

[19:04] the Edward man in his name?

Dan McCoy

[19:05] It was some sort of leather daddy who attacked me!

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] Yeah, you don't know what kind of bats this guy's scene, Elliot.

[19:11] But there's, like, a real—it's true.

[19:13] That's a good point.

[19:14] You don't know what his life experience is.

[19:15] I'm not a coropterist.

[19:16] I don't know what a bat is really like.

[19:18] All I know is the Bat Gremlin from Gremlins 2, and that's all I need to know.

Stuart Wellington

[19:23] There's a lot of—

[19:24] They did those special effects in broad daylight, Elliot.

[19:27] That Bat Gremlin's amazing.

[19:29] I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] Look, it's great.

[19:31] One of my favorite things about that movie is when Dick Miller's fighting the Bat Gremlin

[19:35] and New Yorkers are just walking by and not paying attention to it.

[19:39] And even as a kid, I loved that about it.

[19:41] I remember very well pointing that out to a babysitter who had to watch Gremlins 2 with me.

[19:46] And I was like, I like that they just not—they've seen everything.

[19:50] They don't care.

[19:51] The babysitter, I think, was doing her homework or something.

[19:52] Anyway, there's a lot of kind of torture and rough imagery in this.

[19:57] The epitome of it being what I think is the lowest point of the movie.

[20:02] At the very end—spoiler alert—we're going to talk about it anyway.

[20:05] Later in the movie, Superman's mother has been kidnapped,

[20:08] and he's confronted with a Polaroid of her gagged with the word witch written on her forehead.

[20:13] And it looks like maybe she's been beaten.

[20:16] And it's like, this is not what I want to see in a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:20] It looks like she's, like, cried with her mascara on.

[20:23] Yeah.

[20:24] And I'm like, I don't know if Ma Kent would have put on some mascara before her shift at the diner.

[20:30] So it feels like somebody put it on her before they took the pictures.

[20:34] I mean, Diane Lane doesn't need the mascara is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] That's what I'm saying, absolutely.

[20:38] But, yeah, there's a—this is a rougher—and I know this is not your daddy's superhero movie.

[20:43] It's grim and gritty and whatever.

[20:44] But it's like a little too visibly rough.

[20:45] It isn't my daddy's superhero movie.

[20:48] What would your daddy's superhero movie be like?

Stuart Wellington

[20:50] The Spawn movie?

[20:51] It totally would be the Spawn movie.

[20:53] My dad, he's a huge Violator fan.

[20:55] He just thinks that fucking guy's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] He loves Violator and he loves John Leguizamo.

[20:59] So when he read in Wizard that John Leguizamo was going to play Violator—

[21:02] Oh, he was over the moon.

[21:03] He bought the ticket ahead of time.

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] Yeah, I think he cut out that page from Wizard Magazine, he laminated it, and then pushpinned

[21:11] it to the wall of my parents' bedroom.

[21:13] My mother was not pleased, but that's okay.

[21:15] No, a pushpin hole in the wall?

[21:16] Come on.

[21:17] Well, and he had to take down a family photo to put it up.

[21:20] You're probably wondering why didn't he frame it and put it in its place.

[21:23] My dad's crazy.

[21:26] Kind of like his idol, the Violator.

[21:29] Good point.

Dan McCoy

[21:31] You guys in podcast land didn't see the coy looks dude.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] So anyway, Clark Kent doesn't like this Batman dude, even though Batman's kind of doing the

[21:39] same thing Clark Kent's doing, except in a more violent way.

[21:43] Batman doesn't like Superman because he sees him as a threat to reality and humanity.

[21:47] Meanwhile, Lex—

Dan McCoy

[21:49] I just want to take a moment, though, to say that the movie has set up a perfectly valid

[21:54] reason for Batman to not like Superman.

[21:58] You know, he's seen—

[21:59] That Superman destroyed a city?

[22:00] Yeah, he destroyed a city.

[22:01] He's seen all the collateral damage that Superman can do.

[22:05] But for the rest of the movie, he doesn't bring this up.

[22:08] He just keeps bringing up, like, Superman has all these powers.

[22:11] No person should have that power.

[22:13] Inherently, if we think that he has as much power, he could use this power against us.

[22:17] So we have to preemptively get rid of the guy who has that power.

[22:20] It's like, that's a terrible argument.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] Well, they're groping towards trying to have some kind of philosophical showdown between

[22:28] these two characters.

[22:30] But their ideologies and what they stand for are pretty messy and pretty blurry.

[22:36] And, like, there's a—I wish they had pulled it off because, like, one of the great things

[22:40] about, like, old comic books is when a hero and a villain would be fighting each other

[22:45] and they'd be telling each other what they stand for and why it's incompatible.

[22:49] Like, Stan Lee, Jack Kirby books would do that a lot.

[22:52] Where Captain America and Baron Zemo would be, like, punching each other and they'd be

[22:56] explaining why they—what they stand for.

[22:58] And, like, this movie wants to have that kind of in a more complicated, modern way, but

[23:03] it never seems to be clear exactly what these characters stand for.

Dan McCoy

[23:05] They also think they've hampered themselves by Man of Steel because, like, once you've

[23:09] made a movie where Superman does do the things that he does in Man of Steel, like, you can't

[23:14] have the classic fight between Superman and Batman where it's like, oh, Superman's a Boy

[23:19] Scout and Batman is Batman.

[23:21] Because Superman's already snapped a man's neck.

[23:23] Yeah, exactly.

[23:24] Destroyed a bunch of—

[23:24] No, Kryptonian's neck.

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] Kryptonian man.

[23:27] Just because the clone of him we see later does not have a penis doesn't mean he's not

Stuart Wellington

[23:30] a man.

[23:30] I mean, it's Michael—

[23:31] It's Michael Shannon.

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] Yeah, super cool Michael Shannon.

[23:34] The man who should have received an Oscar nomination for Premium Rush.

[23:38] That's true.

[23:39] Because that movie was a Premium Rush.

[23:41] I mean, it was.

[23:42] But he also managed to be both scary and hilariously pathetic in the same role.

Stuart Wellington

[23:45] He said, kid, what's it to ya?

[23:47] With a straight face.

[23:48] Or as straight as a Michael Shannon face can be.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] Which is pretty cockeyed.

[23:54] Meanwhile, also—

Dan McCoy

[23:55] The cockeyed world of Michael Shannon.

Elliott Kalan

[23:58] On CES.

[23:59] That's his children's show?

Dan McCoy

[24:00] No, that's his small-town newspaper column.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] Yeah, so the Harvest Festival's opening up in town in a week.

[24:10] They're going to have barbecue.

[24:12] And a bunch of local bands are going to play.

[24:15] Tickets cost $14.

[24:18] In other local news.

[24:20] Oh, wow.

[24:21] This world isn't that cockeyed.

Stuart Wellington

[24:22] Yeah, I was expecting it to be more of an opinion columnist.

[24:25] No, it's just a goings-on about town column.

Elliott Kalan

[24:29] He's in Shannonville.

[24:31] That's his hometown.

[24:32] Shannonville Jazz Fest.

[24:33] Starting up once again, and I know I can't wait for it.

[24:37] A lot of my favorite big names from the Springfield County area are going to be there.

[24:42] He's doing it over the local radio.

[24:44] That's why he's got it tired.

Dan McCoy

[24:46] The Jazz-inators.

[24:48] Jazz bows.

[24:51] It's vaguely racist.

Elliott Kalan

[24:52] Swing jazzers.

[24:53] It's that time of year again.

[24:56] Jazz and poofs.

[24:56] When the air gets a little chillier, and leaves start to fall, and there's a certain magic in the air.

[25:06] So I thought I'd give thanks.

[25:11] Give my own thanks before Thanksgiving.

[25:14] I know my Michael Shannon and my Moe, the bartender, and my Dick Miller are all pretty much the same voice, I think.

[25:21] Okay, so meanwhile, this is a scene that we skipped.

[25:23] Lois Lane went to interview a terrorist in Africa, and she got shot at by – something happened where one of the terrorist men started shooting all the other terrorists.

[25:32] Anyway, she was in trouble, and Superman saved her.

Stuart Wellington

[25:34] Luckily, her friend Jimmy Olsen gets shot in the face.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] He gets shot in the head.

[25:40] It's the second best shooting to the head.

Stuart Wellington

[25:44] It's important to establish this isn't your daddy's superhero movie.

Elliott Kalan

[25:46] So they kill Jimmy Olsen pretty early on.

Dan McCoy

[25:49] Why didn't he just use his watch phone and call Superman?

Stuart Wellington

[25:53] That's why they killed him, I think.

[25:54] They saw that watch phone.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] That leads to a storyline about special futuristic bullets being used to make it appear as if Superman killed people in Africa, so he'll get in trouble.

[26:07] This storyline never fully makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[26:10] I think in the extended version, they extended that sequence quite a bit.

Elliott Kalan

[26:13] But I mean, the upshot is that Lex Luthor is framing it to look like Superman killed a bunch of people in Africa, but Superman just killed a lot of people in Metropolis.

[26:25] So they're holding congressional hearings on Superman killed these people in Africa, maybe, and it seems bizarre that they even needed this extra reason.

[26:32] Superman already should have ruined his good name so much before.

Dan McCoy

[26:37] Well, and also, like, they're postulating a world, a non-racist world, where Americans care about people dying in Africa.

[26:45] Yeah, well, that's the sad part, too, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] Meanwhile, Lex Luthor...

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] There's a female governmental representative from Kentucky.

[26:54] Holly Hunter.

[26:55] Yeah.

[26:56] I just don't buy our world would do that.

[27:00] She's got so much sass.

[27:01] I mean, she's great, but I'm just not in Kentucky.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] I mean, Mitch McConnell's Democratic challenger in his last election was a woman.

[27:07] No, I know.

[27:08] I'm just grouchy.

[27:10] Okay.

[27:10] I'm sorry, guys.

[27:12] Political.

[27:13] It's okay.

[27:13] To get too political, and I don't like it.

[27:15] Lex Luthor is, and I'm just going to say this, what was getting me through the movie for a certain extent.

[27:21] Because they have Jesse Eisenberg playing him at his most manically irritating.

[27:27] And they give Jesse Eisenberg these long, nonsense, gibberish speeches about God and man and power.

[27:32] And Jesse Eisenberg is jittering it up so much.

[27:36] He has so many acting tics.

[27:38] And, like, I'm going to tell you this part fast.

[27:40] And then I'm going to pause here, and I'm going to be loud all of a sudden.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:44] And it is clear that he has such disdain for the words that are coming out of his mouth.

[27:47] And I really appreciated that aspect of it.

Stuart Wellington

[27:50] Well, it's one of the things that a lot of times when a movie first introduces a character and they're like, he's a super wealthy billionaire who's also super smart.

[28:00] They at no point have that character do anything that would make you believe that they are actually wealthy or smart.

[28:06] No, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] Like, Lex Luthor, I mean, he talks about science projects his company is working on.

[28:12] But that doesn't, like, that's...

[28:14] You never get a sense that he's a super brainiac because he's not brainiac.

Stuart Wellington

[28:18] And he doesn't have any charisma.

[28:20] No offense, Jesse Eisenberg, but you're good at playing, like, losers.

[28:24] Wow.

[28:25] Why would he take offense to that?

[28:26] I'm saying he's good at it.

[28:28] I said he was good at it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:31] Actually, I would say if you have seen End of the Tour.

Stuart Wellington

[28:35] Uh-huh.

[28:36] A movie that I was referring to when I just described his character type.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] I guess, but he's, like, a charismatic asshole in that.

[28:43] But I guess he's up against Jason Segel's David Foster Wallace, who is, like, an awkward person.

[28:48] Like, Jesse Eisenberg isn't playing the awkward person in that movie.

[28:51] He's playing the less awkward character.

[28:54] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[28:55] I don't know if I would agree with you on that, but let's move on.

[28:58] There's no bats or soups in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] There's no soup, and there's no bats.

[29:03] But again...

[29:03] Except for the bowl of bat soup that they enjoy together.

Dan McCoy

[29:06] And another muddy motivation.

[29:09] In a movie full of muddy motivations.

Elliott Kalan

[29:11] Famous jazz, famous blues musician, muddy motivation.

[29:16] Da-na-na-na-na.

[29:17] Don't know why I'm doing this.

[29:19] For reasons unknown.

[29:24] Da-na-na-na-na-na.

[29:25] Can't really tell you.

[29:29] My baby...

[29:30] Not you're myself.

Dan McCoy

[29:32] My baby don't love me.

[29:35] Didn't really say why.

[29:37] Da-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Stuart Wellington

[29:39] No, but he just...

[29:41] I like how your music is just Dan's name over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] Yeah, da-na-na-na-na-na.

[29:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] No, but like...

[29:47] Cracked the code.

[29:48] The Bible code.

[29:49] Whoa.

[29:50] There's a prophecy in there.

[29:51] Is that a new book you're writing?

[29:52] It's gonna sell a lot of copies.

Elliott Kalan

[29:54] Mm-hmm.

[29:54] People love Bibles.

[29:55] They love codes.

[29:56] They love the.

Dan McCoy

[29:57] Mm-hmm.

[29:57] But the point is, Lex seems to be mad at Superman just because he's got superpowers.

[30:02] Like, that seems to be the...

[30:04] Yeah.

[30:04] ...the whole...

[30:05] It's a classic nerd versus job showdown.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] They didn't do something where, like, he either felt stymied, like he couldn't move forward

[30:14] with a project, or like Superman was getting a little too close to revealing that he's...

[30:19] A bad guy?

[30:21] Yeah, exactly.

[30:21] But even if it was like...

[30:22] Or if he was just like, I am bored with all of this.

[30:27] I want...

[30:28] Well, that's the thing.

[30:29] Like, I want to be Superman or something.

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] I wish that they had presented...

[30:32] It would have been so easy for them to present Lex Luthor as just this, like, young, rich,

[30:39] like, bored asshole who wants to see these two crazy guys fight.

[30:45] Like, at that point, then you could be saying...

[30:47] You could be doing a sucker punch in a better way where you're saying something about the

[30:51] audience, where the audience just wants to see these guys punch each other, no matter...

[30:55] Even though they're characters.

[30:57] They could...

[30:58] They have personalities.

[30:58] And he's like, this is the show I want to see.

[31:01] I want to see Superman fighting Batman.

[31:04] If that was his motivation for the whole movie, I would have been like, this is a much better,

[31:08] stronger movie.

[31:09] Instead, he gives these bizarre speeches about gods do this, and men do this, but demons

[31:16] do this.

[31:17] And he seems to be already working on anti-Superman technology before the movie starts.

[31:22] Like, he's already trying to frame Superman before we've even met him in the film.

[31:26] But it would be such a better...

[31:27] I would just love it if he's this billionaire, and he doesn't...

[31:32] He's run out of things to do.

[31:35] And he just sees a news report.

[31:37] He has two TVs in his house.

[31:40] And one of them is showing a news report about Superman, and one's showing a news report

[31:42] about Batman.

[31:43] And he just starts thinking, hmm, I want to see those guys fight.

[31:48] And he isn't even...

[31:49] That's all the motivation I need.

Stuart Wellington

[31:49] He isn't even the character who attends a bare-knuckle brawl in the basement of some place.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] No, Bruce Wayne does!

[31:55] So that he can clone the phone of a Russian guy who's working for...

[31:59] It's like, there's this...

[32:00] The movie seems at times to think that it's like Sneakers, or like Three Days of the Condor,

[32:05] or the Parallax View.

[32:07] There's some kind of conspiracy that's got to be uncovered.

[32:09] And it just kind of winds around in circles until it gets to the obligatory point where

[32:14] the characters fight each other.

[32:15] Dan, what were you going to say?

Dan McCoy

[32:16] Oh, I was just saying that if he had that fighting motivation, I would love it if it was

[32:21] like in trading places where he just bets someone like a dollar who was going to win.

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] Like, that would be such a...

[32:29] There's something intriguing about a villain doing that, because he has no stake in anything

[32:35] that's going on except that it's going to entertain him.

[32:37] I mean, he's basically, I guess, Arcade at that point, from the X-Men comics.

Stuart Wellington

[32:41] I mean, sure.

[32:42] Maybe Arcade steps through a portal.

[32:44] He leaves the Marvel and the MCU into the Distinguished Competitions world.

[32:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:49] Well, it was the character's name Access, who came from the DC-Marvel crossover, and he

[32:55] could travel between both worlds, and he was co-owned by both companies.

[32:59] I think it was Access.

[33:00] That sounds...

[33:01] So he pulls Arcade through a portal.

[33:02] Sounds like a really cool character.

[33:03] He was kind of a lame character.

[33:04] Built on IP law.

[33:05] He's like, uh, I've ensured that the rights to any story I'm in will be prohibitively complicated

[33:12] to reprint.

[33:13] Yeah.

[33:14] Uh, that's great.

[33:16] So, uh, Lex Luthor also sets it up so that Bruce Wayne's employee who lost his legs rides

[33:21] a wheelchair bomb into Congress and blows up Congress.

Stuart Wellington

[33:24] Apparently, at some point, they, in the extended version of this movie, there's, they explained

[33:30] that his, uh, his wheelchair was lead-lined, which explains why Superman didn't see the bomb.

Elliott Kalan

[33:36] Oh.

[33:36] The movie just presents us with a lazy Superman who doesn't bother to look at anybody's wheelchairs.

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] Uh-huh.

[33:41] I think Superman was feeling self-conscious because he was in his outfit surrounded by people

[33:46] wearing normal clothes.

[33:48] He's like, oh, we're doing this?

[33:50] I thought we were all...

Elliott Kalan

[33:51] I thought this was, ooh, you guys aren't dressing up.

[33:54] I mean, I'd wear a suit to this, but then it'd be kind of obvious that I'm just Clark Kent.

[33:57] Ooh, I shouldn't have said that.

Stuart Wellington

[33:59] Oh, boy.

[34:00] Can we use that stricken...

[34:01] Time to fly backwards around the world again.

[34:02] Can we have that stricken for a...

[34:03] Superman, you can.

[34:04] You've done that so many times.

Dan McCoy

[34:06] Superman's doing, like, he parks his car someplace and he gets a ticket.

[34:14] He's like, oh, my yowsers.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] He gets to the movie theater just as they're putting the sold-out sign on the movie he wanted

[34:22] to see.

Stuart Wellington

[34:23] So he goes, oh, boy, fly the earth around.

[34:26] So we get to the point where Superman is...

[34:33] Superman has to meet, like, tries to do a showdown with Lex Luthor.

[34:37] Lex Luthor has...

[34:39] I mean, we can jump over some shit, right?

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] Yeah, I mean, we can jump over the car chase scene in which Batman kills, like, two dozen

[34:46] henchmen.

[34:46] So many dudes.

[34:47] Batman is constantly shooting and blowing people up or throwing cars at them.

Stuart Wellington

[34:52] And when he doesn't shoot them with things, he's, like, shooting them with darts that

[34:58] are attached to rope or, like, whatever, wires that he can, like, flip them around.

Elliott Kalan

[35:04] And it's only later in the movie when Batman is punching a bunch of guys that we see them

[35:08] shoot him point-blank and his armor stops the bullets.

[35:11] Even a guy starts shooting him in the back of the head from point-blank range and he's

[35:15] fine.

[35:16] So it's like, wait a minute.

[35:18] Batman, this was never a fair fight, was it?

[35:21] Like, you were bulletproof.

[35:22] You didn't have to shoot all those guys.

[35:24] You could just walk through the bullets and punch them, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] He's so resilient, it almost makes me wonder, why is he mad at Superman?

[35:30] He's basically the same thing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:32] But he had to earn that muscle by picking up tires and dragging them with chains.

[35:36] Yeah, doing his crossfit.

[35:37] A pretty amazing workout sequence.

[35:39] Mm-hmm.

[35:40] So let's, yeah, we'll skip over all that.

Stuart Wellington

[35:42] In the background, we're also introduced to a mysterious woman who is playing a game of

[35:47] cat and mouse with Bruce Wayne over a flash drive or something.

Elliott Kalan

[35:50] And Lex Luthor finds Kryptonian technology and starts, I don't know, whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] Accessing it, creating a big monster.

[35:58] And so at the end.

[35:59] So he sets our two heroes at each other's throats.

[36:03] He kidnaps.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] But.

[36:04] Wait, he kidnaps Superman's mom.

[36:06] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[36:06] And says, go kill Batman or I'm going to kill your mom.

[36:09] And Superman's first instinct is totally blast him with eye lasers.

[36:13] Mm-hmm.

[36:14] And he's like, wait, if you kill me, you'll never find out where your mom is.

[36:16] They'll kill me.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] Well, he says, if you kill me, they kill your mother.

[36:19] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[36:20] So Superman flies off presumably to fight Batman.

[36:23] The thing that we are super excited about.

[36:25] The name of the movie is Batman v.

[36:27] The whole point of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] The whole point of this movie.

[36:28] Superman.

[36:28] Unless Batman is suing Superman, you're telling me that there's a fight.

Stuart Wellington

[36:32] So cut to Wonder Woman sitting at her laptop.

[36:38] She is booted up a flash drive and she is opening files.

[36:42] Each file corresponds with a upcoming movie in the DC universe.

[36:47] And we are greeted with like a little teaser trailer.

Elliott Kalan

[36:50] We see three teasers in a row for the Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg.

[36:56] Aquaman is the lamest looking of them, I think.

[36:58] Since an underwater camera just pokes into the hull of a sunken ship.

[37:03] And there's just a dude with a beard sitting there.

Dan McCoy

[37:05] He comes out and he's like, get out.

[37:06] He's basically like, get out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[37:07] He pokes his triton at him.

[37:09] He looks for all the world like a guy who's sitting taking a shit.

[37:13] He's just been interrupted.

[37:14] And then he pokes his triton at them and then I guess flies away.

[37:18] Yeah, he swims away super fast.

Stuart Wellington

[37:19] Everything in this world, when it does things, it causes a huge ripple effect.

[37:24] So for instance, when the Flash stops a crime in the convenience store,

[37:29] like all the lights explode and lightning bolts shoot everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] And Cyborg seems to be made out of super science, a human body,

[37:37] and some kind of Hellraiser cube.

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] Yeah, he's created by the guy from Terminator 2.

[37:44] Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[37:45] No, the other guy.

[37:47] Oh, the T-1000.

[37:48] Robert Picardo.

Dan McCoy

[37:50] That's his name, right?

[37:52] No, I think it's Joe Morton.

[37:54] I think it's the actor.

Elliott Kalan

[37:55] Yeah, from Morton Steakhouse.

[37:56] Yeah.

[37:57] So right before, they're like, hold on.

[38:01] This is a tantric climax in which first we're going to show you some teasers.

[38:05] It's kind of like Batman v Superman is the free weekend.

[38:09] Like the fight is the free weekend at the resort.

[38:12] And this scene is the timeshare sales pitch you have to hear.

[38:16] You're going to have fun with the pool.

Stuart Wellington

[38:16] And I'm like, my pants are already off.

[38:18] Why are you edging me, dude?

[38:20] Because I'm the edge from you, too.

Elliott Kalan

[38:25] Oh, cool.

[38:26] Why do you think I got my name?

Dan McCoy

[38:30] I didn't really think about it.

[38:31] That's what all those effects pedals do.

[38:34] They tug on your penis just enough.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] Just enough to keep you there, but not enough to get you over.

[38:40] But so once we've gotten through the preview of Coming Tractions,

Dan McCoy

[38:45] Once we've sat through the excitement of a woman opening a laptop and watching some viral videos.

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] Watching a couple of videos.

[38:52] Watching a couple of trailers.

Stuart Wellington

[38:54] Watching a couple of trailers, then slamming her laptop screen in disgust,

[38:57] because I'm assuming she's worried about spoilers.

Elliott Kalan

[39:00] There's also, this is a movie where characters are constantly learning about what's going on in the world

[39:04] through TV news just appearing.

[39:07] And there's one woman at the Daily Planet office whose job seems to be to say,

[39:11] Did you guys see this?

[39:12] And point to the TV so that the reporters can find out what's happening in the world.

[39:18] Speaking of TV.

Stuart Wellington

[39:18] Good job, Janice.

[39:19] Another scoop.

[39:22] Oh, she's a real news hound.

[39:25] How do you do it?

[39:26] We're going to make you our lead aggregator.

[39:28] Speaking of real people using their real names in this movie.

[39:33] This movie's full of them.

[39:34] But there was a scene that was deleted that's in the extended cut with you guys' former boss,

[39:40] John Stew, Stew Beef.

Elliott Kalan

[39:41] Now let's say, since this movie happens in a realistic world where people have super strong,

[39:47] super fast stuff, and you can blow up huge buildings and smash them around with thousands

[39:53] of people dying, and then they put a statue up in your honor.

[39:55] Well, I guess that's every military leader, am I right?

[39:57] Oh, wow.

[39:58] Kill one person, you're a murderer.

[40:00] Kill a thousand person, you're a hero.

[40:01] Kill a million, you're a god.

[40:02] That's what that No Fear shirt said.

[40:04] Sure.

[40:05] You've been reading Megadeth lyrics again, Elliot?

[40:09] Because that's the best, because that's really the powerful thing about Megadeth songs,

[40:12] is their racist, xenophobic lyrics.

[40:15] Yeah.

[40:15] But, so they have all these scenes where Soledad O'Brien, or Anderson Cooper, or Nancy Grace,

[40:23] or Andrew Sullivan, or somebody who's just listed as-

[40:25] Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Stuart Wellington

[40:26] Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[40:27] There's someone who's just credited as-

[40:28] Neil deGrasse Tyson smelled some fucking dollars floating around somewhere.

[40:32] Like chum in the ocean.

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] He said, in space, no one can hear you selling out.

[40:37] There are all these scenes with people commenting, and it wasn't until Stuart and I were looking

[40:42] up what the scenes are on the extended version of this, to see if it made the movie made any

[40:46] more sense.

[40:46] Nope.

[40:47] That it listed that there's an extended version, there's a scene where Jon Stewart is on the Daily Show, complaining that Superman doesn't want to be American anymore.

[40:55] And I was like, oh, right.

[40:57] I wrote that.

[40:59] That like, they asked Jon to do a scene in the movie, and they were like, yeah, you want to write this?

[41:04] I was like, yeah, sure.

[41:04] I'll write a bunch of Superman jokes.

[41:06] But then, but the angle they gave us was that Superman has told the world he doesn't want to be considered just American.

[41:13] And so that was what the whole thing was about, was about Superman, you're wearing red and blue, and there's white right there.

[41:20] Like, the whole thing is about him, how American he is.

[41:24] Sounds like a great scene.

[41:26] It's not amazing, but in context, I can understand how it would make no sense.

[41:30] Because Superman renouncing his Americanism is never brought up, ever, in the movie.

[41:34] No.

Stuart Wellington

[41:35] So how does it feel to have written something that wasn't as good as the movie we watched?

Elliott Kalan

[41:39] I don't know if that's how I would put it.

[41:41] I can see why they cut it, because it didn't make any sense.

[41:45] But I'm a little disappointed.

[41:46] But it's amazing how, literally until I read that, I was like, oh yeah, I forgot.

[41:50] I wrote a scene for a Superman movie.

[41:54] Well, what are you going to do?

[41:55] So if you watch the extended edition, and you see that scene, I worked on those jokes.

[42:00] Yeah, mail Elliot a check.

[42:01] Yeah.

[42:02] He's not seeing any other residuals from that.

[42:03] And don't put any limits on that check.

[42:07] Even if they had included it in the movie, I don't think I would have received residuals.

[42:10] Yeah.

[42:10] Because that's just the way the system works, dude.

[42:12] The rich get richer.

Stuart Wellington

[42:13] Just like years down the road, when people are dating podcasts, you can point to this movie,

[42:19] point it out to your son and say, Sammy, I made that.

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] But he's going to be watching the, no, not his dad's Superman movie, where Superman is just

[42:28] killing people with his dick.

[42:29] And Batman is like, I don't know, I can't think of anything worse than that.

[42:35] So Batman is just strapping.

[42:36] He farts that kryptonite gas all over Superman.

[42:40] And it's just, they're just.

[42:40] Oh man, that's such a Deadpool move, dude.

[42:43] So they have their big fight.

[42:45] And I have to say, it's not a terrible fight.

[42:47] I mean, the fact that it's not terrible is probably because they ripped a lot of it off

[42:51] of Dark Knight Returns.

Stuart Wellington

[42:52] Yeah.

[42:53] Yeah.

[42:53] So yeah, they get in a fight.

[42:54] It's not terrible.

[42:55] Oh, you know what?

[42:55] No, it does get terrible.

[42:57] It gets pretty terrible.

[42:58] It doesn't make sense.

[43:00] There's a lot.

[43:00] So at first, Superman's beating the shit out of Batman.

[43:03] And then Batman, whoa, he actually has pulled a fast one and is choking Superman with kryptonite

[43:09] gas, which makes Superman super weak.

[43:12] Batman then just starts pounding the shit out of him with his robo suit.

Elliott Kalan

[43:15] And at that point, it becomes Batman just beating the shit out of a regular person.

Stuart Wellington

[43:20] Which part of me is wondering is like, is Zack Snyder sitting somewhere in the editing booth

[43:24] like, yeah, people are going to be fucking loving this.

[43:28] People hate Superman.

[43:30] They love Batman.

[43:31] That smug Superman.

[43:32] Superman hasn't done anything bad at this point in the movie.

[43:35] I mean, arguably he has been.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] He's complicit in the deaths of many, but he was trying to save the world.

Stuart Wellington

[43:43] Yeah.

[43:44] That was collateral damage.

[43:45] I mean, within this movie, I think he's only attempted to do good things.

[43:50] Yes, I think you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[43:52] He is a little smug.

[43:54] He is a little smug.

[43:56] Dan's right.

[43:57] And that deserves being beaten to death at the hands of a billionaire in a robo suit.

[44:02] A mech man.

[44:03] A mech man.

[44:05] And Batman's saying like, my parents taught me a lesson.

[44:08] I'm sure your parents taught you a lot of lessons about being good.

[44:10] Well, my parents taught me a lesson when they died.

[44:12] Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson.

[44:13] And he pulls down his pants and starts spanking you.

Stuart Wellington

[44:16] You're like, why do you have to pull your own pants down before you start spanking me?

Elliott Kalan

[44:20] It's the only way I can do it.

Stuart Wellington

[44:23] So at this point, Superman's on the ropes.

[44:26] And Batman starts picking up Superman and doing stuff.

[44:30] The whole time it's like watching somebody try to complete a finishing move in Mortal Kombat.

[44:37] And they just can't get the combo.

[44:38] They're like, oh, you're just dancing around.

[44:39] Oh, now you just punched me in the face and I died.

[44:42] Good one, dude.

[44:43] That was worth it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] Thanks.

[44:45] But there's a part where they keep breaking through the floors of whatever abandoned building.

[44:50] Every building in this movie is abandoned.

[44:52] They're all abandoned.

[44:54] They're either the capitalists.

[44:55] It's a statement about the housing crisis.

Stuart Wellington

[44:56] Every building in this movie is either blown up or abandoned.

[45:00] I have expected them to bust into the warehouse that Hugh Jackman is driving the robot that's fighting Chappie.

[45:07] It feels that depopulated.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] Robert Downey Jr. and Don Cheadle from Iron Man 3 just run by, quipping and shooting people with handguns.

Stuart Wellington

[45:16] That would be great because then I know they're on a loading dock, so I know I'm watching an action movie.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] You know there's going to be a lot of empty crates getting smashed.

[45:24] Instead here.

Dan McCoy

[45:25] That's why longshoremen have to have a powerful union because they're always.

[45:29] They're in danger.

[45:30] They're in danger all the time from rogue cops.

[45:33] Uzi.

[45:34] Super heroes.

Stuart Wellington

[45:36] I'm allergic to Uzi bullets.

Elliott Kalan

[45:38] Yeah, the longshoremen's union has the best Uzi wound health coverage of any of the unions.

Stuart Wellington

[45:46] They're like, wow, you're really good at sniffing out C4.

[45:50] Well, I was a longshoreman.

[45:54] You're really good at detecting body armor underneath that guy's just regular t-shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[45:59] But there's a part where they break through the floor and Batman is just throwing Superman through broken down urinals.

[46:06] And it's like, all right, guys.

[46:08] Not as exciting as Terminator 3.

[46:10] No.

[46:10] Stewart pointed out not as exciting as the Terminator 3 toilet fight scene.

[46:14] But also like that.

[46:16] So like the movie.

[46:17] So the Superman movie with Batman in it and Wonder Woman because this mysterious woman that Bruce Wayne's been flirting with is Wonder Woman.

[46:24] This Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman movie has found its level with a woman being possibly tortured and threatened with death and having witch scrawled on her head while she's gagged.

[46:37] And two men punching each other in like a gross, dirty bathroom.

[46:42] It's like, all right.

[46:43] Thanks, Zack Snyder.

[46:44] Like, thanks, DC.

[46:45] Like, I guess that's, there's room for all sorts of storytelling for superheroes.

[46:49] But like, I mean, not every superhero movie has to be a kid's movie.

[46:52] But like a Superman, Batman movie should probably be more kid accessible than a grimy bathroom fight scene.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] Like the tentpole movie of your franchise.

[47:00] Like, this is supposed to be the Helen of Troy of DC movies.

[47:04] The movie that launched a thousand movies.

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] I mean, like.

[47:09] And then, but then they get, they're fighting and fighting and fighting.

[47:12] Well, Dan, what were you going to say?

Dan McCoy

[47:13] I'm just going to say, like, literally, like, other than a bit of Jesse Eisenberg's performance, there's literally two jokes in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] There's not a lot of jokes.

[47:21] Yeah.

[47:21] And there are a lot of, like, that's the thing.

[47:24] Superman goes to the Capitol building to testify, and I was waiting for the moment where they're about to make him go through the metal detector.

[47:30] And the security guard is like, you know what?

[47:32] What does it matter?

[47:33] And they just waves him through because he's Superman.

[47:35] What does it matter if he brought a gun with him?

[47:37] He can punch people to death.

[47:38] Yeah.

[47:38] And shoot lasers from his eyes.

[47:40] That would have been a great joke to throw in.

[47:42] Corny.

Stuart Wellington

[47:43] But like, throw it in there.

[47:44] But anyway.

[47:45] That's the sort of stuff that, like, the fucking Marvel movies are built on.

[47:49] It's like those little scenes where the characters are, like, just fucking goofing around or doing everyday shit.

Elliott Kalan

[47:54] I mean, maybe the best scene in Avengers was the thing they tacked on at the end where they're just sitting in the restaurant eating, not talking to each other.

Stuart Wellington

[48:01] Yeah.

[48:01] Or like the other scene where they're, like, goofing around trying to pick up Thor's hammer.

[48:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:05] Exactly.

[48:05] Yeah.

[48:06] They're just having fun.

[48:06] They're a bunch of goofs.

[48:07] We forgot to mention the scene that motivates Batman for real.

[48:11] Which is when, earlier in the movie, we forgot to mention this, he daydreams a future where Superman has taken over with a bunch of flying henchmen.

[48:19] And Batman is leading some kind of desert resistance force.

[48:22] And when Batman wakes up, the Flash, I guess, is leading through a portal.

[48:27] And he's like, you were right about him.

[48:29] Lois was the key.

[48:31] Find us.

[48:32] But it's one of those things where he's speaking really cryptically because you think he doesn't have a lot of time to talk.

[48:36] And he wakes up from his second dream.

[48:37] But he's got a lot of time to talk.

[48:39] Flash could have been like, here's the deal.

[48:41] This thing's going to happen.

[48:42] Then this.

[48:43] Then this.

[48:43] So do that.

[48:44] And then Bruce Wayne wakes up from that dream.

[48:46] And we're supposed to buy, like, his motivation being like, I had a bad dream about Superman.

[48:51] I guess I got to go kill him.

[48:53] But anyway.

[48:54] Well, that reminds me.

[48:55] I got to murder you, Elliot.

[48:58] The dream told me to.

[48:59] And you know that I once had a dream where you died.

[49:01] It was one of the saddest dreams I ever had.

[49:03] Thank you.

[49:03] It really broke my heart.

[49:04] And that.

[49:04] So thank you for not dying, like, in that dream.

[49:07] Okay.

[49:07] And that post-

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Whoa.

[49:09] That post-apocalyptic dream sequence feels so much like Zack Snyder's like, finally, I

[49:16] can do the fan fiction I've been wanting to do.

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] I do like, though, that Batman is walking around in full, like, desert warrior garb with, like,

[49:26] a bandana over his head.

[49:27] But the bandana's over his Batman mask.

[49:29] I mean, that makes perfect sense.

[49:31] Like, just lose the Batman mask.

Stuart Wellington

[49:34] But, uh.

[49:34] So anyway.

[49:35] Back to the big fight scene.

[49:36] It would be good if he had a different, like, a hat on as well.

[49:38] People were like, who are you?

[49:40] And he took that off and they're like, oh shit.

[49:42] Like one of those, like, Australian hats.

[49:45] Over his little horns.

[49:46] The little, like, teeth over it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:47] Crocodile teeth.

[49:48] Yeah.

[49:48] Okay.

[49:50] I don't know if it is.

[49:50] He's wearing a bowler hat, but the horns stick through the holes on the sides.

Dan McCoy

[49:57] I'm like a little Jughead crown.

[49:59] I feel like that happened in some comic where he's, like, trying to solve the Ripper mysteries

[50:05] or something.

Elliott Kalan

[50:06] Well, Gotham by Gaslight.

[50:08] Oh, is that a real one?

[50:09] Yes, it is.

[50:10] It's an Elseworlds story.

[50:12] It's Batman and H.G. Wells.

[50:14] Or Batman has, like, a jaunty fit.

[50:16] No, that's Time After Time.

[50:18] Or is that Time After Time Again?

[50:20] Wait, Batman's in that?

[50:21] Yes, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:21] Time After Time is a different thing.

[50:23] Time After Time is what?

[50:24] The Jack Finney book?

[50:25] Yeah, that was made into the movie.

[50:27] Or not.

[50:27] That Nicholas Mayer did.

[50:29] Nicholas Mayer, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] Is it Time And Again is the one with H.G. Wells, where Malcolm McDowell plays H.G. Wells?

[50:35] And David Warner is Jack the Ripper?

[50:37] That's Time After Time.

Dan McCoy

[50:38] What about Somewhere in Time?

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] But I said that was Time After Time, and you told me it wasn't.

Dan McCoy

[50:41] No, I thought you were, this is boring for everyone who's listening.

Elliott Kalan

[50:45] I agree, and for me.

[50:47] So, Batman's about to stab Superman to death with a kryptonite spear until Superman says,

[50:51] they have Martha.

[50:52] And Batman remembers, his mom is named Martha, too.

[50:55] And he gets really mad.

[50:56] Amy Adams jumps off a helicopter that's hovering nearby.

[51:00] Amy Adams has a knack for always showing up in the middle of trouble, and Superman has

[51:04] the knack for always saving Amy Adams, no matter where he is.

[51:07] He always seems to know she's in danger.

Stuart Wellington

[51:09] So they're in a little bit of a conundrum at this point.

[51:11] At this point, I think they're kind of arguing, really, about what the hell Superman means.

[51:16] Because he keeps just saying something about Martha.

[51:18] This is after Batman has taken his kryptonite spear and carved a scar on Superman's face.

Elliott Kalan

[51:23] Yeah, just to be vindictive.

[51:27] What's the word I'm looking for?

[51:29] Shitty?

[51:30] Yeah, just to be crappy.

[51:31] Just to be a jerk.

Stuart Wellington

[51:33] So he's about to stuff that spear right through the big S on his chest.

[51:37] When Amy Adams shows up, explains the whole confusion.

[51:41] And then...

[51:42] Both their moms are named Martha.

[51:43] Now, this is a reveal that I had known going into the movie that this was going to be the

[51:48] reason why they stopped fighting.

[51:49] Yeah, I read about it.

[51:49] I did not expect it to be this poorly done.

Elliott Kalan

[51:52] It's really, really...

[51:54] It really would have worked better.

Dan McCoy

[51:56] It would have even worked better if there was a moment where they're just like, your mom's

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] name Martha?

[52:01] My mom's name Martha!

[52:03] That is crazy!

[52:04] Buddy.

[52:05] Martha Buddies!

Stuart Wellington

[52:06] Yeah.

[52:07] They both pull their pants down.

[52:08] They have Martha written on their butt cheeks.

Elliott Kalan

[52:11] Wow.

[52:11] In marker.

[52:12] That's the weird thing.

[52:13] Who wrote it for them?

[52:15] Do they do themselves in a mirror and it's scrawled all weird?

[52:18] When the jackass boys come out?

[52:21] Yeah, and they punch each other in the ding-dongs.

Dan McCoy

[52:27] What a great honor for the mom.

Elliott Kalan

[52:29] Or even if Superman goes, oh, they've got Martha, and Batman just goes, that was my mom's name.

[52:37] And it just throws him off for a second.

[52:39] That would still be kind of dumb, but instead he goes, why'd you say that name?

[52:43] Why'd you say that name?

[52:44] As if there was only ever one person named Martha in the world.

[52:48] He must be talking smack about his mom.

Stuart Wellington

[52:51] For the real fans, that's an Easter egg for Martha Washington Goes to War.

Elliott Kalan

[52:57] Because they're like, a lot of this is based on Frank Miller's Dark Knight Returns, but when

[53:01] are they going to make that Martha Washington movie from Frank Miller's other work?

[53:05] Yeah.

[53:05] When's that hard-boiled movie coming out?

[53:07] I mean, they keep talking about it.

[53:09] What about that big guy and rusty the boy robot movie?

[53:12] I mean, that's more Jeff Dara than anything.

[53:13] I guess so, since there's almost no dialogue in it.

[53:18] Anywho.

[53:20] The fight gets broken up.

[53:21] They both realize, oh, Lex Luthor is playing us for fools.

[53:24] And Batman goes to save Superman's mom.

[53:27] For, again, reasons unknown.

Dan McCoy

[53:29] Like, why does Lex Luthor care?

[53:31] Like, I can understand him, like, wanting to get rid of Superman, but, like, why is he doing it through Batman?

Elliott Kalan

[53:40] So, Batman goes to save Superman's mom because Superman, I guess, didn't care enough to go do it himself.

[53:46] And there's literally, we've seen a counter that says there's ten minutes left.

[53:50] Rather than, Jeremy Irons as Alfred, who in this movie is less of a butler and more of, as Stuart, I think you pointed out.

[53:57] He's the microchip.

[53:58] He's the microchip to Batman's Punisher.

[54:00] He is tapped into the signal and figured out where Martha Kent is.

[54:06] Forgot Clark Kent's last name.

[54:08] Batman goes to save her in the most video game fight scene, I think, of the movie.

[54:14] Because it's just one guy after another coming up to Batman and him doing finishing moves and blocks and blows.

[54:19] And that's when a guy shoots Batman in the back of the head point blank and Batman's fine.

[54:22] He doesn't even have a concussion from the impact.

Stuart Wellington

[54:24] But it stimulates his rage, so that forces him to stab the guy.

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] And Superman goes to confront Lex Luthor.

[54:34] But uh-oh, Lex Luthor has combined his own blood, the body of Zod, and Kryptonian technology to make Doomsday a big purple guy with no penis.

[54:45] Yeah.

[54:45] But a butt that we see a lot of.

[54:47] Oh, yeah.

[54:47] Who is genetically predisposed to punch Superman, I guess?

Dan McCoy

[54:50] Yeah, apparently Zod plus Luthor blood means big giant golem, you dude.

Elliott Kalan

[54:58] And they fight for a while.

[55:00] We don't have to check the math, but I think it makes sense.

[55:03] Superman starts punching Doomsday into space, and the president decides to nuke them both.

[55:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:09] Like within moments.

[55:12] Yeah, I mean the lifespan of this Doomsday at this point is he has been alive for maybe five minutes and is already getting nukes thrown at him in outer space.

Elliott Kalan

[55:21] To be fair, he was causing a lot of damage.

[55:23] He gets electricity powers and he shoots them out at people.

Stuart Wellington

[55:27] Yeah, we quickly realized that the more energy is directed at him, the more energy, more powerful he becomes.

[55:34] Yeah.

[55:34] Which is strange because so he's being punched into outer space, and then this nuclear warhead goes off in outer space, and it sends him back to Earth.

[55:44] I would think that the Force would keep sending him further into outer space.

Elliott Kalan

[55:47] It would push him further in space.

[55:48] I don't know how gravity works.

[55:50] I don't know physics.

[55:51] All I know is when the –

[55:53] I mean they had Neil deGrasse Tyson on set, right?

[55:55] Yeah, every day.

[55:56] He's an ass.

Elliott Kalan

[55:56] All I know is that when a monster and a superhero go into space and the president is asked –

[56:02] And they're in love.

[56:03] We have a clear shot to nuke, but Superman is there.

[56:07] The president's response is, may God have mercy on our souls.

[56:11] And they launch that nuke.

[56:13] But you know who set that precedent?

[56:15] Barack Obama with his drone attacks on American citizens abroad.

[56:18] Whoa.

[56:19] So you can thank your favorite president, Dan, Barack Hussein Obama, for setting the precedent that the president, two words that sound alike but are different, can use aerial attacks on American citizens as long as they're not on American soil.

[56:34] Because that's what happens in this movie.

[56:36] Oh, I'm sorry.

[56:37] Did I just gnome Chomsky you?

Dan McCoy

[56:38] Yeah, you just rattle your cage?

[56:40] Yeah.

[56:40] My mind has been exploded, much like Superman.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] So Doomsday gets healthier because of the nuke and it makes his bones push out through his body so he looks like the Doomsday we know from the comics.

[56:50] He starts to look awesome.

[56:51] And Superman is all sallow and sick.

[56:54] Superman's like a flying corpse dude.

[56:55] But then you're like – then the sun reaches him and you're like, oh, yeah.

[57:00] That's another scene from Dark Knight Returns that they're stealing.

Stuart Wellington

[57:02] Yeah, he looks all shriveled up like when the Plutonian is fighting, what, Modius or whatever and Modius is sucking all his energy out.

[57:10] I'm talking about the comic book Irredeemable.

Elliott Kalan

[57:11] I don't remember that scene in Irredeemable.

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] No, it's a flashback.

Elliott Kalan

[57:14] No, okay.

[57:15] I remember when he's on that alien planet or the alien prison planet.

Stuart Wellington

[57:18] Is that the one where the alien can punch you so hard it sends you back in time?

[57:23] I think so, yeah.

[57:23] Yeah, that's great.

[57:24] I like that book.

Dan McCoy

[57:25] I know that Kryptonite was involved, but let's just remember that Batman, who's just a dude, almost killed Superman just moments before, but this nuclear bomb was easily counteracted by the light of the sun.

[57:39] Well, because the Kryptonite wore off.

Stuart Wellington

[57:40] Yeah.

[57:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[57:41] I don't see a problem with that.

[57:43] Anyway, they-

[57:43] Andy, he's catching some serious vitamin Ds, baby.

[57:47] Yeah.

[57:47] Woo!

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] Sunny D.

[57:50] Not the purple stuff, which is the doomsday monster he's fighting.

[57:53] Mm-hmm.

[57:54] Now, here, it's-

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] Haven't you ever, like, had a fucking bad day and just, like, hung out on the beach and just

[58:01] soaked that shit up?

[58:02] Mm-hmm.

[58:02] Hey, let me quote-

[58:03] Get all the toxins out, man.

Elliott Kalan

[58:04] Superman is to quote, is quoting Sheryl Crow, I want to soak up the sun.

[58:09] Mm-hmm.

[58:10] Want to tell everyone.

[58:11] Yeah, let's see how far you can go with this.

[58:13] Tonight?

[58:14] Tonight?

[58:14] Is that how it goes?

[58:15] I don't remember.

[58:16] That would've been a really-

[58:17] And the sun came up over Santa Monica Boulevard.

[58:19] She's looking at the wet and dirty, clean and dirty cars with Billy.

[58:22] Is that a different song?

Stuart Wellington

[58:23] That would've been a fun musical cue.

Elliott Kalan

[58:26] I mean, if this was a Shrek movie, they would've played it.

[58:30] But so, the movie has pummeled us into submission by this point.

[58:33] It's been unpleasant.

[58:35] It's been really bleak and grim.

[58:37] It's been nonsensical, which is why I was not prepared-

[58:40] I think humorless is fair.

[58:42] Humorless, which is why I was not prepared for the best scene of the movie, which is Superman,

[58:47] Batman, and Wonder Woman.

[58:49] She gets off her Turkish air flight.

Stuart Wellington

[58:54] Which, Elliot claims, is a great airline.

[58:56] I haven't flown it.

[58:58] Elliot's bragging about his lifestyle.

Elliott Kalan

[58:59] I was bragging about having flown first class on Turkish air.

[59:02] It was amazing.

[59:04] I'm glad, because it was about a 10-hour flight.

[59:05] He's a spy.

[59:06] Get him.

[59:07] Wow.

[59:09] Why are you looking at me?

[59:11] That was kind of a real Batman joke.

[59:12] Is it one of those things where you want me to kill him, so I take the heat for the crime?

[59:17] Which one's the real Elliot?

[59:18] I'm the ideas man.

[59:20] But anyway, that was when I went to Afghanistan.

Stuart Wellington

[59:24] I flew into Turkish air.

[59:25] Do you think Lex Luthor is trying to get Batman to kill Superman so that Batman goes to jail for it?

[59:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:32] My greatest enemy is dead or behind bars.

[59:36] And Batman's being led to prison, still in his costume.

[59:38] He's like, it was Luthor.

[59:39] Luthor.

[59:40] Oh, the famous upstanding philanthropist Lex-

[59:42] Oh, it was Lex Luthor.

[59:44] Oh, sure, it was Lex Luthor, the famous philanthropist.

[59:47] You're going to jail, Bruce Wayne.

[59:49] Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Stuart Wellington

[59:51] Enjoy your stay in Arkham Asylum.

Elliott Kalan

[59:54] Nothing to see here, Miss Lane.

[59:56] No, a famous billionaire was arrested for murdering a superhero.

[59:59] This is a huge story.

[1:00:01] Nothing to see, Miss Lane.

[1:00:03] And then he pokes her eyes.

[1:00:05] Stooges style.

[1:00:06] Wow.

[1:00:06] Stooges style.

[1:00:07] Not pokes them out with a hot poker.

[1:00:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:00:10] But anyway, the best scene, which is these three heroes teaming up, working together, making

[1:00:15] jokes to each other, and fighting a big monster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:17] And there's a fucking sick-ass guitar sting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:20] The minute when Wonder Woman shows up, the electric guitar starts, and it's like, yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:25] I immediately straighten up and zip up my shirt.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:30] Yeah, it helped that the movie literally looked like a heavy metal cover at that point.

[1:00:35] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:35] I'm like, ooh, what's this going on?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:37] Which is Zack Snyder playing to his strengths.

[1:00:39] Like, I like his-

[1:00:40] You just say Zack Snyder.

[1:00:42] I meant to say Zack Snyder.

[1:00:43] Did I say Zack Snyder?

[1:00:44] Uh-huh.

[1:00:45] Well, I didn't mean to.

[1:00:47] Roast me-

[1:00:47] Rake me over the coals, boys.

[1:00:49] Roast me for that one.

[1:00:50] I'll take my licks.

[1:00:52] Give me the lumps.

[1:00:53] I earned them.

[1:00:54] Okay.

[1:00:54] Lisa Lampanelli's gonna come in and make jokes about it.

[1:00:56] Give me the blood.

[1:00:57] I abandoned my boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:58] It's no fun when you ask for it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:59] Come on.

[1:01:00] Rain down on me.

[1:01:01] Oh, you're ruining it.

[1:01:03] So, you're like the dentist in Little Shop of Hearts.

[1:01:06] Yeah.

[1:01:07] If I'm enjoying it, it's no fun.

[1:01:08] You just get disgusted by it.

[1:01:09] So, but like, one of the reasons I like 300, the movie that put Zack Snyder on the map,

[1:01:15] I guess Donna did, but for me it was 300.

[1:01:17] He was already on the map.

[1:01:18] This kind of like put him in the middle of the map?

[1:01:21] I guess so.

[1:01:22] He was like in Guam, and this put him in the major metropolitan center.

[1:01:26] Okay.

[1:01:26] On the map.

[1:01:28] Is that 300-

[1:01:29] What's the map of the world?

[1:01:31] Okay.

[1:01:31] 300 to me is like looking at a series of awesome heavy metal album covers that somehow a piece

[1:01:38] of radiation fell on them and turned them into a movie somehow?

[1:01:41] Yeah.

[1:01:41] I can't take it seriously as like a story or a film, but as just totally over the top,

[1:01:46] crazy, like awesome images.

[1:01:48] It works for me.

[1:01:50] Like this sequence worked kind of like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:52] You're saying that it almost works because it's like, it feels like it's towing the line

[1:01:57] of like parody or camp or almost ironic enjoyment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:01] I don't know about ironic enjoyment so much as like the same, this is not a comparison

[1:02:07] I really want to make because these directors are not in the same league, but how Fellini

[1:02:11] worked on this level of ludicrous spectacle.

[1:02:15] Whoa.

[1:02:15] Hold on.

[1:02:16] Do you want to make a joke?

[1:02:17] You work on it.

[1:02:18] He's still talking.

[1:02:19] You can have something really good to say.

[1:02:20] Bear with me.

[1:02:22] Fellini, a much better director who made much better movies was working on this level

[1:02:26] of ludicrous spectacle.

[1:02:27] It wasn't, sometimes it fell into camp, which was not great, but it was just so colorful

[1:02:32] and so bold and so crazy that it carried you along with its energy.

[1:02:37] And 300 does that for me.

[1:02:38] It's not like I'm like, this is real great.

[1:02:41] I'm enjoying it because it's stupid.

[1:02:42] It's more like this is insane, ludicrous, just everything about it is bigger than it

[1:02:48] needs to be.

[1:02:49] And that works for me.

[1:02:50] Whereas this movie, which should be like that, it should be like super big.

[1:02:54] Instead, it's fighting that energy constantly, except in the explosions.

[1:02:58] And it's only at this point when Wonder Woman shows up and you hear an electric guitar sting

[1:03:02] that it feels like the movie is like, all right, you know what?

[1:03:06] It can be pretty fun to see superheroes beating up a monster.

[1:03:10] You know what?

[1:03:11] Let's have a good time.

[1:03:12] You ate your oatmeal.

[1:03:14] You had your vegetables in the form of the first two hours and 15 minutes of this movie.

[1:03:19] Time for the dessert.

[1:03:21] Superheroes punching a monster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:23] Now, I've seen, I've read a lot of superhero comics and I've read a lot of superhero comics.

[1:03:27] Oh, wow.

[1:03:28] Name them all.

[1:03:29] I must be a fake nerd boy.

[1:03:31] So the, and you know, when superheroes fight, they almost always slap them on the cover and

[1:03:36] you're like, okay, I guess Wolverine and Punisher are going to get in a fight.

[1:03:40] Jim Lee's drawn it.

[1:03:41] So it's going to look sick as hell.

[1:03:43] Over a milkshake.

[1:03:44] And well, I wish it was over a milkshake.

[1:03:47] When I was reading, I'm like, they're fighting over brontosauruses in the rainforest.

[1:03:52] Okay.

[1:03:53] But of course they always fight for a little bit and then they get that shit out of the

[1:03:57] way.

[1:03:58] They fight just enough so that you're like, the fanboys for either can be like, oh man,

[1:04:03] if they'd gone one second longer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:04] Wolverine would have won.

[1:04:05] Nuh-uh.

[1:04:06] Punisher would have won.

[1:04:07] That kind of stuff.

[1:04:08] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:08] And then they get to the real demon.

[1:04:10] In this case, dinosaur poachers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] There's no more endangered species than dinosaurs.

[1:04:17] I guess you're right.

[1:04:18] If there's a species that's on the edge of extinction, it's dinosaurs.

[1:04:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:21] Do you think when they were pitching this story, they're like, oh, we should do elephants.

[1:04:25] And they're like, that's not tough enough for our boy, Wolvie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:28] No, but like, that's, yeah, I guess it's the joy of Zack Snyder is similar to the joy of

[1:04:32] that one Punisher cover where it's Punisher on that jet ski.

[1:04:35] And it's just, there's just the caption box that says, you just rented Punisher a jet ski.

[1:04:40] Kiss that baby goodbye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:42] I remember that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:43] It was such a great cover.

[1:04:44] And you can tell they were like, this picture of Punisher on the jet ski is not really that

[1:04:48] exciting.

[1:04:49] Slap some text on that cover.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:51] But I also like, uh-oh, property destruction.

[1:04:57] You're not getting back the deposit on that jet ski.

[1:04:59] You can also play on the fantasy that you run a jet ski dealership.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:03] You're a successful jet ski proprietor.

[1:05:05] But for how long have you keep renting them to the fucking Punisher?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:09] The Punisher comes back week after week.

[1:05:12] I promise.

[1:05:12] This time I'm going to bring back the jet ski.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:14] I shouldn't believe you, but I trust that skull on your shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:17] Somehow you fit it into some kind of a tank top for beach wear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:22] You're wearing Tommy Bahama shorts and a black undershirt with a skull on it.

[1:05:26] All right.

[1:05:27] I trust a man with an M16 in both hands.

[1:05:32] So they fight this monster and they defeat him.

[1:05:36] They stab him with that spear.

[1:05:38] But in doing so, Superman has to give his own life.

[1:05:41] And he dies and they have his funeral and suddenly everybody loves him again.

[1:05:46] And Batman tells Wonder Woman, we've got to find these other meta humans.

[1:05:50] Because I've got a feeling we're going to need them.

[1:05:53] And then there's a scene where Batman goes and visits Lex Luthor in jail.

[1:05:56] And Lex Luthor tells him, oh, there's this big bad out in space that's heard of us now.

[1:06:01] And now it's going to come and there's nothing you can do about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:03] So most people watching this movie are like, yeah, they're talking about him.

[1:06:06] His name's Thanos or something, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:07] Yeah, because they don't know the difference between Marvel and DC.

[1:06:09] Most people don't.

[1:06:10] No, that's true.

[1:06:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:13] That's what puts us into the cool elite people, Elliot, is that we know the difference.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:18] It doesn't make us cool, but in a weird way, I never thought that I would now be, after years of training and secret, I guess, in possession of the mystic knowledge that unlocks pop culture for people who are older than me so I can explain it to them.

[1:06:33] Or like to my son, like my son's never seen the Star Wars movies.

[1:06:36] Yeah, younger people, like you're like, gather around, younglings.

[1:06:40] Allow me to tell you a tale, a tale of corporate IP.

[1:06:44] But my son knows a bunch of that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:46] You're like Christian Bale in Reign of Fire where you're telling the story of Star Wars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:51] My son knows a bunch about Star Wars because he'll point to pictures and be like, who's that?

[1:06:54] I'm like, oh, that's so-and-so.

[1:06:55] They fought at the Battle of What's It Called.

[1:06:58] And he should be telling me that stuff.

[1:07:02] He should be explaining pop culture to his dad, not the other way around.

[1:07:05] This place is all mixed up and crazy cuckoo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:07] Pretty soon he's going to be on YouTube, dude, and he's going to show you everything, and he's going to be a fan of all those YouTube celebrities that are raking in the big dollars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:14] Dad, I want to watch this guy play video games for three straight hours.

[1:07:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:20] Dan looks exhausted just thinking about it.

[1:07:22] No, I really was.

[1:07:23] It just pains.

[1:07:24] The idea of YouTube celebrities pains me inherently.

[1:07:27] Interesting for a podcasting celebrity to say that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:30] That's true.

[1:07:30] Even lower on me.

[1:07:31] Dan's a celebrity?

[1:07:32] Well, I don't know why I say celebrity so much as...

[1:07:35] Here, let me sign your butt.

[1:07:37] Okay.

[1:07:38] Nope, that's for his mom's name, Martha.

[1:07:39] Write Martha, please.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:42] So, of course, when Batman and Superman fight, of course, Superman is totally at the mercy of Batman.

[1:07:47] Batman would have fucking taken a shit all over Superman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:50] I don't know about that because when the kryptonite wore off and I'm Jay Leno all of a sudden.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:55] But he had that spear right on his chest.

[1:07:57] Visionary director, Zack Snyder.

[1:08:00] That was visionary talk show host Jay Leno.

[1:08:02] They both probably have a penchant for leather jackets and motorcycles.

[1:08:06] I think you're right.

[1:08:07] Classic cars.

[1:08:09] Jay Leno and Zack Snyder just getting together for their classic car club.

[1:08:12] Fucking crunching all kinds of Doritos.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:14] Hey, you see this Cadillac over here?

[1:08:16] Have some more Doritos.

[1:08:17] Thanks, Jay.

[1:08:18] Only extreme flavors, please.

[1:08:21] This is Jumpin' Jack cheese.

[1:08:23] Oh, they still make that?

[1:08:25] Probably.

[1:08:26] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:26] So, the last shot of the movie so we can wrap it up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:29] Oh, it's that Superman's in his coffin dead, but then the dirt starts lifting off of his grave, which makes no sense.

[1:08:34] The end.

[1:08:35] Yeah.

[1:08:35] Superman is alive.

[1:08:35] Is he being teleported out of there?

[1:08:37] I guess so.

[1:08:37] He's being raptured up to heaven.

[1:08:39] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:40] He's got magic dirt-repelling powers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:43] Well, when he died, he lost his regular powers, but he gained dirt-repelling powers.

[1:08:47] So, now he's a super cleaner.

[1:08:49] Yeah.

[1:08:49] Well, I'm...

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:50] So, there's a ton of dumb crap in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] We missed easily half of it.

[1:08:56] We talked about it for a long time.

[1:08:57] Easily half of it.

[1:08:58] Yeah.

[1:08:58] We don't want to go as long as this movie as we've been doing normally.

[1:09:02] Then I quit doing the podcast.

[1:09:03] Two and a half hours long.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:05] And we don't want it, and it's getting late.

[1:09:06] So, let's give our final judgments, huh?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:08] Yeah.

[1:09:08] Final judgments on this movie.

[1:09:09] Was it a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[1:09:13] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:14] It was a bad, bad movie.

[1:09:15] I liked it just as little as I liked Man of Steel, which means I did not like it very much.

[1:09:23] I mean, I don't have a ton.

[1:09:26] I don't have a super long relationship with Batman or Superman, but this movie seems to

[1:09:30] have a completely different perspective on those characters.

[1:09:34] And it just feels really wrong-headed and stitched together, and it seems to be made

[1:09:39] by an alien who has seen movies before, but doesn't actually know what kind of connective

[1:09:43] tissue is required to lead from one scene to the next.

[1:09:46] And I don't think that's a cause of over-editing.

[1:09:49] I just think it's made by a guy who doesn't understand movies or human emotions.

[1:09:54] Wow.

[1:09:54] Harsh words.

[1:09:56] And even the ending, like Superman's funeral, it has the emotional weight of Harry Potter

[1:10:04] and the Chamber of Secrets when Hagrid comes back and all the kids are flipping out.

[1:10:08] And you're like, wait, Hagrid was gone?

[1:10:11] Why is everyone flipping out about Hagrid?

[1:10:14] But it was because, like, I guess it was a big deal in the book, so, like, Christopher Columbus

[1:10:18] had to make sure it was a big deal in the book.

[1:10:20] Christopher Columbus.

[1:10:21] That's his name, right?

[1:10:22] No, most people call him Chris Columbus.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:24] Yeah, I'm not that close with it.

[1:10:26] Because you think they might be confused at the discoverer of the American content?

[1:10:29] The discoverer of Harry Potter.

[1:10:31] So people told him children's literature was flat, but he convinced Queen Isabella to give

[1:10:37] him the money to publish the Harry Potter books.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:39] I could find a faster route to a book about boy wizards.

[1:10:46] No, I agree this is a bad, bad movie.

[1:10:49] I liked it marginally better than Man of Steel just because I feel like Man of Steel so egregiously

[1:10:55] misunderstands who Superman is supposed to be, whereas this movie is much more a Batman movie

[1:11:00] and I think Zack Snyder's, like, much more a Batman kind of guy.

[1:11:04] Yeah.

[1:11:05] So it's not quite as, like, off base in the characterizations, but it's...

[1:11:09] It's...

[1:11:10] It's...

[1:11:11] I feel like such a nerd talking about comic book characterizations, but...

[1:11:15] They're characters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:15] Dude, you gotta impress, man.

[1:11:16] Yeah, come on.

[1:11:18] You're afraid you're not gonna look cool?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:20] Yeah, to all the podcast listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:22] Yeah.

[1:11:22] Whoa, dude, you talking shit about our listeners?

[1:11:24] Okay, let's move on to me before you alienate everybody, Mr. No-Jibber-Jabber, please.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:30] I'm saying mean stuff about all kinds of celebs, you're talking shit about our listeners?

[1:11:34] Let me be the positive guy then.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:36] Thank you.

[1:11:36] I also did not like the movie.

[1:11:38] I thought it was bad and bad, but mainly because in that fight at the end, there's a little glimpse

[1:11:43] of what this movie could have been.

[1:11:46] Yeah.

[1:11:46] It doesn't have...

[1:11:46] I mean, it doesn't have to be The Avengers, which is a movie I liked because it was a very

[1:11:50] light movie for the most part.

[1:11:51] It doesn't have to be that, but it could have been a movie that was trying to address these

[1:11:56] same issues, but also had some fun to it.

[1:11:59] I think it may have addressed those issues better if it was a more fun movie and didn't

[1:12:03] feel like they were adapting the Bible or something, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:07] Well, even like the Christopher Nolan movies, which are pretty dark, may have just sneaked

[1:12:12] some fucking jokes in there.

[1:12:13] They have jokes in them, yeah.

[1:12:14] Even Christian Bale with his awesome voice.

[1:12:17] Well, the...

[1:12:17] Those were not my daddy superhero movies either, but at least they were fun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:21] So I would say not a good movie, but hey, keep trying, guys.

S4

[1:12:26] Hey, guys.

[1:12:31] This is Adam Conover.

[1:12:32] You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything.

[1:12:34] Well, guess what?

[1:12:35] Now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun.

[1:12:38] What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talk to for just a couple

[1:12:42] minutes on the show, and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting

[1:12:47] into the fascinating details of their work.

[1:12:49] Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:55] We have a couple of sponsors tonight.

[1:12:58] Woo!

[1:12:58] Yippee!

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[1:13:05] Ooh.

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[1:13:39] Ugh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:40] Visit the plaques.

[1:13:41] Visit the plaques.

[1:13:42] The alien overlord intelligence that is invading our world.

[1:13:47] Pursuits.

[1:13:49] Visit...

[1:13:50] Visit...

[1:13:50] Olay the plaques.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:52] Visit theblacktux.com.

[1:13:55] Now, Dan, can I order...

[1:13:55] Slash flop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:56] Can I order white tuxes from theblacktux.com slash flop?

[1:14:00] I would imagine.

[1:14:01] You can.

[1:14:02] I saw it.

[1:14:03] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] Can you order tuxes that have little Boba Fett pictures all over them?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:07] I hope so.

[1:14:08] That I don't know.

[1:14:09] Now, the black...

[1:14:09] Probably not.

[1:14:10] The black tux also sounds like it could be a superhero.

[1:14:12] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:13] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:14] I mean, if the cape was a superhero on NBC.

[1:14:17] Yeah, I remember it.

[1:14:18] So, Dan, I...

[1:14:21] One thing I like about the black tux is that I don't have to go to a store to try on a tux

[1:14:26] and then have to, you know, because you're not wearing it in the store, you're going to be

[1:14:29] putting it out at home.

[1:14:31] You see where I'm going with that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:33] Let me tell you guys a story about a time I rented a tuxedo in a store, a time that backfired

[1:14:37] on me tremendously.

[1:14:39] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:39] My sister was getting married and I had a role to play in the ceremony.

[1:14:44] She demanded that I get a tuxedo and not just wear a black suit.

[1:14:47] Okay, I'll go to the store and I'll rent one.

[1:14:50] I went to a store that I will not name.

[1:14:53] It was called Men's Warehouse.

[1:14:54] And I went to rent a tuxedo there.

[1:14:56] But you were going to like the way you look.

[1:14:58] I did not like the way I looked.

[1:15:00] Well, they guarantee it.

[1:15:01] They...

[1:15:01] Their guarantee was not good.

[1:15:03] They measured me.

[1:15:04] And then I went back to pick up the tux the day before the wedding and the pants that

[1:15:08] had arrived were about four times as wide as human pants should be.

[1:15:13] I looked like I was wearing an elephant's pants.

[1:15:16] It was ridiculous.

[1:15:17] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:17] And the salesman goes, okay, so...

[1:15:19] He's like, are you going to need an extra long wallet chain for those?

[1:15:22] Yeah.

[1:15:23] You were going to some kind of zoot suit riot, right?

[1:15:27] You were renting this tux so that you could hang out in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven

[1:15:31] with your skater pals, right?

[1:15:33] But, and the guy there was like, mm, those are the only pants we have.

[1:15:37] And I was like, this is crazy.

[1:15:38] I'm not going to pay for this.

[1:15:40] And they're like, sorry, only pants we've got.

[1:15:43] So I ended up paying essentially tux prices for a jacket because I had to wear my own black

[1:15:48] spoot pants anyway.

[1:15:50] Spoot pants?

[1:15:51] Suit pants.

[1:15:51] So blacktux.com, you don't have to go to the store.

[1:15:54] You can try it on ahead of time so you know if it fits.

[1:15:57] And three, you don't have to deal with a salesman who's like, I don't know, looks fine to me.

[1:16:02] I mean, sure, from the waist down you look like a clown.

[1:16:05] But that's the look you were going for, right?

[1:16:07] So theblacktux.com.

[1:16:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:09] And Men's Warehouse can go to hell.

[1:16:11] Yeah.

[1:16:12] I own a tuxedo because we went to the Emmys a few times.

[1:16:16] And that's sheer madness.

[1:16:18] When am I going to wear that tuxedo again?

[1:16:20] Never.

[1:16:20] And only when you're buried.

[1:16:22] So why not rent one?

[1:16:24] You know, that's the much more sensible thing to do.

[1:16:27] Don't be an idiot like your buddy Dan.

[1:16:30] Rent a tuxedo if you need one.

[1:16:31] Just rent it, man.

[1:16:32] Yeah, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:32] You're on your deathbed and you're like, why did I buy that tux?

[1:16:37] It's your final regret.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:39] So what's our other sponsor, Dan?

[1:16:40] Our other sponsor is Casper.

[1:16:43] The Flophouse is supported in part.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:44] A gu-gu-gu-ghost?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:46] And he's wearing a tux?

[1:16:48] The Flophouse.

[1:16:49] What a dapper spirit.

[1:16:51] It must be Topper.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:52] Starring Cary Grant.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:55] The Flophouse is supported in part by Casper,

[1:16:58] an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price.

[1:17:03] They offer an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price.

[1:17:08] Now I, myself, sleep on a Casper mattress and...

[1:17:12] Like sleeping on a bed of ghosts?

[1:17:13] Look, I have sleep problems.

[1:17:15] I have mild sleep apnea.

[1:17:17] You've got lots of other types of problems.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:19] Why not sleep problems, too?

[1:17:20] You got that Bain mask yet?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:22] The CPAP mask?

[1:17:24] Yeah.

[1:17:24] No, I'll get it in a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:25] It helps you sleep, but you sleep like this.

[1:17:27] Rawr, rawr, rawr.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:30] Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:33] The sleeper rises.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:36] The problem is...

[1:17:37] All I'm saying is I'm a...

[1:17:38] No napping.

[1:17:39] That comes later.

[1:17:42] I'm a bad sleeper.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:44] What a cool character.

[1:17:45] Sleepy Bain.

[1:17:46] Our new character, Sleepy Bain.

[1:17:48] Copyright that, boys.

[1:17:50] So anyway, Dan, you have sleep problems.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:52] I've got sleep problems.

[1:17:53] But you know one thing that's not a problem?

[1:17:55] My mattress.

[1:17:56] Oh, yeah.

[1:17:56] Because it's a Casper mattress.

[1:17:57] Is it comfortable?

[1:17:58] It's comfortable.

[1:17:59] Was it easy?

[1:17:59] It's comfortable.

[1:18:01] It's frumfterful.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:02] Do you sleep on one side, or do you spread out a lot?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:06] Or do you roll around?

[1:18:08] I tend to sleep on one side, but I've got the whole bed open for me.

[1:18:12] These are leading questions.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:13] I was wondering if Casper mattresses are really firm, or do you make a big divot on your side?

[1:18:21] You know, they're like half memory foam.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:23] Okay.

[1:18:24] Half forgetful foam.

[1:18:27] Half something else.

[1:18:28] I forget what the other thing is.

[1:18:29] Probably beans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:30] I don't know.

[1:18:31] Yeah.

[1:18:31] Yeah, sure.

[1:18:32] Beans.

[1:18:33] Dan, was it easy to unpack and use?

[1:18:36] Because I know a mattress is huge and heavy.

[1:18:38] How did you get it into your apartment?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:39] It comes in a reasonably sized box, and you cut the box open, and you cut the plastic wrap

[1:18:47] on the mattress open, and it inflates like a giant mattress erection.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:55] Wow.

[1:18:56] Do you say that your erection inflates?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:58] Yeah.

[1:18:59] It's a weird word to use.

[1:19:01] Well, I'm a colorful person.

[1:19:03] But anyway.

[1:19:05] Casper has a risk-free trial and return policy.

[1:19:08] Try sleeping on Casper for 100 days with free delivery to the U.S. and Canada and painless

[1:19:13] returns.

[1:19:13] You can return a mattress, and all mattresses are made in America.

[1:19:18] Now, listen.

[1:19:19] There's a special offer to listeners to our show.

[1:19:23] The Flophouse listeners can get $50 toward any mattress by visiting casper.com slash flop

[1:19:30] and using promo code FLOP at checkout.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:33] That's so easy to remember.

[1:19:34] Now, I've only slept on a Casper mattress once.

[1:19:37] With Dan.

[1:19:39] Maybe.

[1:19:40] Hold on.

[1:19:40] Terms and conditions apply.

[1:19:41] All right.

[1:19:42] There you go.

[1:19:43] Now, Dan, have you been sleeping on your mattress past the 100 days mark?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:48] Yeah, I can't return it at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:50] I just want to make sure that it didn't turn into a puff of smoke right after 100 days.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:54] It didn't turn back into a pumpkin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:56] Dan has passed the okay-to-eat chili in the bed mark because he cannot send it back.

[1:20:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:04] And you better believe that day one, day 101, I got on my chili-eating spoon.

[1:20:12] Wait.

[1:20:13] Got a big bowl.

[1:20:14] Wait.

[1:20:14] You would stop wanting to eat chili.

[1:20:17] It's okay.

[1:20:17] Dan didn't get what I was saying.

[1:20:18] Let's just keep moving on.

[1:20:19] It's late.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:19] Oh, I thought that you were saying that I didn't want to eat chili so I could return it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:24] No, no.

[1:20:24] You want to eat chili.

[1:20:25] But then once you can't return it more, it's like, oh, I want to keep this mattress.

[1:20:28] I'm not going to eat chili in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:29] Yeah, so you get your hand truck and you move your chili cauldron out of your bedroom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:33] Put it back in the closet where it belongs.

[1:20:36] In your chili closet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:39] Okay.

[1:20:40] Okay.

[1:20:40] So in addition to our sponsors, we also have a Jumbotron tonight, fellows.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:46] Jumbotron?

[1:20:46] Why, that's the place where anyone can rent space on the Flophouse to announce a product or even just say hello to a friend.

[1:20:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:53] Yeah.

[1:20:53] You can go to maximumfund.org forward slash Jumbotron if you want to get up on the Jumbotron.

[1:20:59] Or the Jungletron, as Dan was about to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:02] So why don't we actually do the Jumbotron?

[1:21:05] This message is from Tim and it is for Tegan.

[1:21:11] I believe I'm pronouncing that correctly.

[1:21:13] If not, I am super sorry.

[1:21:15] Happy birthday, Tegan, the best sister anyone could ask for.

[1:21:19] I have such great memories listening to the Flophouse with you on a packed bus in Germany laughing out loud like maniacs.

[1:21:27] That's a crime in Germany.

[1:21:28] Not if they're invisible maniacs.

[1:21:31] Enjoy the day and party like it's the Flophouse house cat's birthday.

[1:21:35] Rawr!

[1:21:37] So happy, well, I guess not, well, wait.

[1:21:40] Yeah, happy birthday.

[1:21:42] Why would you want to party like, I guess that makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:46] Because he has the best parties.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:47] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:21:48] It's your birthday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:49] Enjoy it, Tegan.

[1:21:50] The police are always shutting down the Flophouse cat's birthday parties, but when they get there, they're like, this is a rocking party.

[1:21:55] You know what?

[1:21:55] And they take their badges and throw them in the dirt like at the end of Dirty Harry and they join the party.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:00] Yep.

[1:22:00] And those badges slowly sprout badge trees.

[1:22:06] Okay.

[1:22:07] Yeah, it's a real on top of spaghetti situation.

[1:22:09] Yeah, it does a time lapse.

[1:22:12] You got Terrence Malick hanging out videotaping that shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:15] A big fucking beanstalk grows and you go up into policeman land in the clouds.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:19] It's just giant cops.

[1:22:22] Yeah, and you get like a singing goose that lays golden hands and a harp.

[1:22:25] Don't try to steal it.

[1:22:26] Everyone's a cop up there.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:32] Well, before we move on to letters, I just want to extend a few thanks.

[1:22:37] We got some Cagemus gifts.

[1:22:40] I want to thank Emily Davidson and Matt Dupriest for the card that they sent.

[1:22:47] Alexandra Bowser for the cookies.

[1:22:49] That we were enjoying earlier.

[1:22:51] What were they in the shape of, Dan?

[1:22:52] Rocket crocodile.

[1:22:53] And also the MaxFun rocket ship logo.

[1:22:56] Mm-hmm.

[1:22:58] Kylie Fong for the paintings.

[1:22:59] I forgot to show you the paintings.

[1:23:00] I'll show you after the show taping.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:04] Mm-hmm.

[1:23:04] And also Liz Young sent some gifts.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:07] She demanded that we open this one on air.

[1:23:11] And Dan's nothing but a slave to the fans.

[1:23:13] Well, first off, there's some books that aren't wrapped.

[1:23:18] And I'm going to assume that A Friend of Mr. Lincoln is meant for Elliot.

[1:23:23] It's probably about me.

[1:23:25] Interesting.

[1:23:26] I don't know this one.

[1:23:27] I'm guessing that this George R. R. Martin book is meant for Stu, though.

[1:23:30] He probably already has it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:32] No, I actually don't have this.

[1:23:33] I have the individual stories, but I don't have this beautifully illustrated version with Gary Gianni illustrations.

[1:23:40] Gary Gianni is the best.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:42] And by process of elimination, I'm going to keep this copy of The Man Who Fell to Earth.

[1:23:47] The book.

[1:23:48] Not the movie.

[1:23:49] But here's something wrapped that was demanded to be opened on the air.

[1:23:53] It says, to the flop house, welcome to hell, welcome to hell.

[1:23:57] It's a puzzle box of some kind.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:59] Well, I guess I'll just solve it.

[1:24:00] It's a collection of photos.

[1:24:02] Oh, look.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:03] It's a copy of Raggedy Ann and Andy, a musical adventure.

[1:24:07] It's so horrible.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:09] The movie that I know that Liz Young is bizarrely obsessed with.

[1:24:14] It's a frightening movie.

[1:24:15] Very well animated, though.

[1:24:17] Give me the shit.

[1:24:17] They spent a lot of money on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:20] Thank you very much, Liz.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:21] Wow.

[1:24:21] This is a whole text on the back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:24] As always, gifts to the flop house are appreciated, but please don't feel like you have to send us anything.

[1:24:29] It's very nice, but just being able to do this podcast for you guys is the biggest gift of all.

[1:24:36] That's some very great reverse psychology, Elliot.

[1:24:41] That's why I'm the Batman villain, the reverse psychologizer.

[1:24:45] So it's time for letters from listeners.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:48] No wacky voice for that guy?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:49] No, ran out of him.

[1:24:51] I'm running out of time.

[1:24:52] No, don't have juice for a song.

[1:24:53] Letters.

[1:24:54] Let's do this.

[1:24:55] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:56] That's what happens when we watch a two and a half hour movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:59] That was crazy.

[1:25:00] Okay.

[1:25:01] Let me just say one thing, having just said that.

[1:25:03] Why is two and a half hours now the default time for action adventure films?

[1:25:08] How long was that Star Wars we just watched?

[1:25:11] That was about two and a half hours.

[1:25:13] Dan and I walked out of Rogue One.

[1:25:15] We happened to be going to the same screening.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:17] Yeah, we would only go to the same screening by accident.

[1:25:20] We most certainly would never make plans together.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:23] No, but we were walking out and we were talking about how a lot of the great action films of

[1:25:29] yore that we grew up with are less than two and a half hours.

[1:25:33] They managed to tell an entire movie in two hours.

[1:25:36] The original Star Wars, less than two hours long, roughly two hours.

[1:25:41] Raiders of the Lost Ark, roughly two hours or so.

[1:25:44] And yet somehow it seems to be impossible for people to tell an adventure, even if it's

[1:25:48] set in a pre-established universe that doesn't need to be introduced in less than two and

[1:25:52] a half hours.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:53] Like them Transformers movies, dude.

[1:25:54] They're so long.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:55] Those are like almost three hours long.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:57] If you made them like 80 minutes long, people would be so pumped.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:01] Yeah, they would love it.

[1:26:03] But you need three hours to set up the fourth episode of the Transformers saga.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:07] You need to have like super elaborate backstories.

[1:26:09] You need to find, you're like, we're on contract to have Stanley Tucci doing a bunch of shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:14] Yeah.

[1:26:14] So what's with that next new Transformers movie coming out where they're in King Arthur's

[1:26:17] Camelon?

[1:26:18] That sounds great.

[1:26:19] I like that.

[1:26:20] I don't like the Transformers movies, but I like that they're just like going with the

[1:26:23] craziest ideas.

[1:26:25] All right, I guess it's King Arthur time.

[1:26:26] Like they're going to get to a point where it's like the Transformers are the patrons of

[1:26:32] Leonardo da Vinci and he's painting the Sistine Chapel and it's Optimus Prime giving life to

[1:26:37] humanity or something.

[1:26:38] Or like he's like holding him up to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

[1:26:40] Of course, let me just correct myself.

[1:26:41] Michelangelo painted that, not Leonardo da Vinci.

[1:26:43] I apologize for you saying.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:44] He's like holding Michelangelo to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:49] By the way, when you said they would love it, I resisted yours to say they would missus

[1:26:53] love it because the listeners wouldn't realize that was a callback to when we got so bored

[1:26:59] watching the movie that we just started singing the Sweeney Todd songs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:02] Yeah, they would not have known that.

[1:27:03] Yeah, Dan and I were singing a lot of Sweeney Todd during Superman v.

[1:27:07] Batman and Stuart was like, I'll take your word for it.

[1:27:11] You've seen that movie, right?

[1:27:12] The Tim Burton?

[1:27:13] I mean, it's not a bad adaptation, that movie.

[1:27:15] They cut a lot, but.

[1:27:16] Yeah, it's a fun movie.

[1:27:17] So did Sweeney Todd.

[1:27:18] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:19] There you go.

[1:27:20] I know.

[1:27:20] I know stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:21] For more see Sweeney Todd, the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:24] Or you go to your local library.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:27] Go to the Sweeney Todd section.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:29] We're like such fucking nerds tonight, guys.

[1:27:32] He's a demon barber who kills people and puts them into pies.

[1:27:35] But don't take my word for it.

[1:27:37] Check out Sweeney Todd from your local library.

[1:27:39] Did it do?

[1:27:40] That was Reading Rainbow for adults or theater kids.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:45] This first letter is from Tom, last name withheld, who writes.

[1:27:49] Tom Jane.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:51] Stop confusing me with Aaron Eckhart.

[1:27:53] The Punisher?

[1:27:54] The Punisher?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:55] Hey, floppers.

[1:27:55] Writing in to share one of my favorite super specific film types.

[1:27:59] The environmentalist message movie with a premise that turned out to be totally wrong.

[1:28:04] My favorite example is the Eddie Murphy vehicle, The Distinguished Gentleman from 1992, in which he plays a con man who manages to get elected to Congress.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:13] Eventually, he leads.

[1:28:13] Con man?

[1:28:14] Congress?

[1:28:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:16] Con coincidence?

[1:28:17] Con coincidence?

[1:28:18] I think not.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:20] He leads a charge against allowing power lines near schools because the electromagnetic radiation had given a bunch of kids cancer.

[1:28:27] Spoiler alert.

[1:28:28] This is totally false.

[1:28:29] I remember seeing this movie as a teenager in the early 2000s, liking its Eddie Murphy-ness, but thinking that the science seemed off.

[1:28:36] I did some basic research and was delighted to tell my parents and friends all about how this well-meaning, multi-million dollar movie was so far off the mark.

[1:28:44] I was a popular child.

[1:28:45] Just wondering if there are any movies with similarly dated slash disproven premises that tickle you.

[1:28:52] Yours in floppiness, Tom.

[1:28:54] So, movies with dated or disproven premises based on a false premise.

[1:29:03] False premise, you say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:05] Hmm.

[1:29:06] Well, my old saw that always gets me is any time a movie is based on the premise that humans only use 10% of their brains.

[1:29:13] Oh, shit.

[1:29:14] That was exactly the one I was thinking.

[1:29:15] But if you unlocked 100% of your brain, you'd probably be a god.

[1:29:19] And, like, Lucy's a pretty fun movie because it's batshit nuts.

[1:29:23] But when I saw the trailers, I was like, come on.

[1:29:26] Are we still doing that?

[1:29:27] Like, it is similar to if there was a movie where they're like, the earth is flat, but what if you could go to the other side of the flat?

[1:29:36] And you'd be like, no, everyone knows that's not true anymore.

[1:29:39] Like, it really bugs me that it's still a premise for things.

[1:29:42] Yeah.

[1:29:43] Well, you stole mine.

[1:29:43] So let's go to school.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:44] I don't think this 100% tracks, but I'm going to...

[1:29:50] No, it doesn't have to be, like, scientific.

[1:29:52] I'm going to touch on an earlier Zack Snyder work, Watchmen, but more, I guess, more the comic book, the way that the, spoiler alert, the comic and the movie are slightly different.

[1:30:04] And the ending in the comic book features a faux alien invasion that kills a bunch of people.

[1:30:12] And it's all a play by Ozymandias to have the world unite against this alien threat who caused this enormous attack on Manhattan.

[1:30:23] And I feel on some level, and his plan works almost immediately, and I feel like on some level the attacks on 9-11 kind of disprove that because I feel like humanity's first response in that kind of situation was to, at least in America, was to point fingers and to get defensive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:45] I guess so.

[1:30:46] I think the difference is that he's creating an outside threat that all humanity is threatened by, whereas those attacks were from one type of person on another person.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:58] Yeah, I guess that's fair.

[1:30:59] But, I mean, it seemed like the, I guess at the time, it felt like people were blaming any, like, anybody they could blame.

[1:31:09] Yeah, that's true.

[1:31:10] Based as loosely on the information given.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:12] Well, didn't the, what did the movie change it to?

[1:31:15] They changed, uh.

[1:31:16] Because I feel like it works less well in the movie because it isn't an alien, like, it's a planetary.

[1:31:21] Something involving Dr. Manhattan or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:24] Yeah, I believe they swapped in Dr. Manhattan for the, uh, for the alien.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:30] The ending is still better than the old Sam Hamm script that was, that was written in the 90s where it was also that Dr. Manhattan was the thing that they had to eliminate, if I'm remembering correctly.

[1:31:43] But at the end of it, it ends with, they managed to kill Dr. Manhattan before he becomes Dr. Manhattan.

[1:31:48] And time goes all screwy.

[1:31:50] And Night Owl and Jupiter, Sally Jupiter and Rorschach are sucked through a portal into our world.

[1:31:58] What?

[1:31:59] That's the end of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:00] That would have been fucking awesome.

[1:32:03] Um, and then another movie I'm going to talk about, uh, since you guys just, uh, pushed back on my initial suggestion.

[1:32:08] Sure, yeah.

[1:32:09] Was, uh.

[1:32:09] Bounce back.

[1:32:10] Is, uh, The Contender, the movie where Joan Allen plays a possible vice presidential candidate whose nomination is challenged by possible questionable photos of her past from when she was in college.

[1:32:25] And her, uh, her nomination is secured when, uh, the truth comes out and, uh, and people realize, uh, people are informed that she was in fact not, uh.

[1:32:37] Not a slut.

[1:32:38] Not, yeah, I guess.

[1:32:39] Since that's the charge they're letting.

[1:32:40] The charge, yeah.

[1:32:41] Uh, Sam Elliott delivers one of the grossest lines in cinema history.

[1:32:48] Yeah.

[1:32:48] And it's delivered to Sam's mustache so he looks like the fucking Grinch when he does it.

[1:32:52] It's the one where it's like they're talking about the vice president with a dick in her mouth or something like that.

[1:32:57] The American people get stomach a lot, but they can't stomach the image of a vice president with a mouth full of cock.

[1:33:03] That's what it is.

[1:33:04] Uh, so.

[1:33:05] It's gross because it's chauvinistic.

[1:33:06] Yeah, and it's gross sounding when he says it.

[1:33:10] Uh, but I feel like.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:12] I don't know.

[1:33:12] If Sam Elliott's saying it, it sounds great.

[1:33:15] Yeah.

[1:33:15] Yeah, makes you want to go out and buy some beef for a hat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:20] For a beef hat.

[1:33:22] A hat made out of beef.

[1:33:23] If Sam Elliott's selling it, I'm buying it, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:26] But I feel like it's been, it's been pretty, I don't know.

[1:33:29] I feel like I'm a little bit down on the world and politics in general, but I feel like lately the, if a charge, like sexual, I don't even want to say misconduct,

[1:33:40] but if like charges like that were levied against a female politician.

[1:33:44] It would never go.

[1:33:44] They would never go away, and the truth coming out will certainly not protect that person, that politician.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:51] That, the, similar to that, I was thinking about the premise of a lot of movies like A Face in the Crowd or the Penguin Running for Mayor subplot of Batman Returns,

[1:33:59] where someone being caught on tape saying something insulting or horrible ruins their chances at power and office.

[1:34:07] And similarly, as we saw in this last campaign, if you're the right person, you can say whatever you want on tape.

[1:34:14] Everyone is the right fucking person, dude.

[1:34:17] I don't know.

[1:34:18] It feels like there's a, there's a double standard if you are a wealthy businessman or if you are a mutant who was found, lives in the sewers.

[1:34:29] If you're a deformed man who eats raw fish in front of your staff and lives in the sewers with a bunch of evil clowns.

[1:34:36] And he bites the noses off of his enemies.

[1:34:40] Not even enemies.

[1:34:41] It was like his campaign staff.

[1:34:44] Somehow.

[1:34:45] But they get, like in a face in the crowd, he's caught on camera being like, these stupid idiots.

[1:34:50] And overnight, his career is over.

[1:34:51] Whereas now I feel like you have a lot of people like, yeah, he was right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:54] We are stupid idiots.

[1:34:56] Yeah.

[1:34:56] You tell them.

[1:34:57] Anyway.

[1:34:58] Oh, that was just Michael Bay magic.

[1:35:01] It was a hoax.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:04] This next letter is from Liam, last name withheld.

[1:35:09] It goes.

[1:35:10] Hello.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:12] Wow.

[1:35:13] Yep.

[1:35:14] He says, you have taken my daughter.

[1:35:16] You don't understand.

[1:35:17] I have a certain set of skills.

[1:35:19] Dark man skills.

[1:35:20] Oh, shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:21] But my nose will explode after a certain point in light.

[1:35:25] I mean, that's the, we all will.

[1:35:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:29] That's the thing about dark man.

[1:35:31] Aren't we all dark man, David Hart?

[1:35:34] That's why the movie was such a hit.

[1:35:38] Aren't we all fearing the return of Durant?

Dan McCoy

[1:35:44] Aren't we all die, dark man, die?

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:48] When they say die, dark man, die, it's like die, all of us die.

[1:35:53] Do not ask die, dark man, die.

[1:35:55] It tolls for thee.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:00] Some of the best subtitles of movies ever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:08] What a great series.

[1:36:11] Oh, man.

[1:36:13] I wish there was a crossover between Dark Man and Wishmaster.

[1:36:18] That's the kind of wish that the Wishmaster would grant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:21] Oh, we've got to team up against the Lord of Illusions.

[1:36:24] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:28] Okay, it goes, hello, Flop fam.

[1:36:31] As connoisseurs of fine bad movies from across decades, nay, centuries.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:37] Wait, I'm technically correct.

[1:36:39] There's two centuries of movies.

[1:36:40] You should be reading this in a Sean Connery from Highlander accent.

[1:36:45] As connoisseurs of fine bad movies from across decades.

[1:36:48] That really sounds Egyptian.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:49] Nay, centuries.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:50] How did Sean Connery get here?

Dan McCoy

[1:36:52] No one questions your abilities to discern good movies from bad ones.

[1:36:56] The sacrosanctity of the good-bad slash bad-bad slash kind of like scale is unquestioned

[1:37:03] and creates clear delineation in how a viewer can describe their feelings on any manner of baddish movie.

[1:37:10] However, I wondered if any of you have ever had trouble, owing maybe to personal allegiance or nostalgia,

[1:37:16] admitting that a good movie that you are very attached to is actually a bad movie.

[1:37:21] For example, in my personal experience, I've recently had to come to terms with the fact that, quote,

[1:37:27] The Wrong Guy, a 1997 straight-to-video comedy co-written by and starring Dave Foley

[1:37:32] that I for years would defend as a genuinely good movie that just fell through the cracks,

[1:37:37] is actually a bad one.

[1:37:38] Oh, my college girlfriend loved that movie.

[1:37:40] A good bad one.

[1:37:41] There's a really great scene in it.

[1:37:42] Make no mistake.

[1:37:43] Well, I'm going to...

[1:37:44] Let's...

[1:37:45] I have words on this, but...

[1:37:47] But...

[1:37:47] A good bad one.

[1:37:49] Make no mistake.

[1:37:50] But bad nonetheless.

[1:37:51] Should I just explain that scene before you have a chance to talk about it?

[1:37:54] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:54] No, no.

[1:37:55] My defenses would include that Dave Foley was an underappreciated talent,

[1:38:01] that Colm Fiore was strong as an unnamed assassin,

[1:38:05] and that the script was as strong or stronger than most mainstream big-screen comedies.

[1:38:10] Rating on a curve, I see.

[1:38:11] Really, though, it's just a goofy comedy where Dave Foley sticks his head under a fire hose

[1:38:16] and tries to use Annaman Bag Jones as a passable alias.

[1:38:19] But it meant a lot to me during a tumultuous teenage episode.

[1:38:23] So, have any of you ever been Stockholm-syndromed by a bad movie

[1:38:27] into defending slash classifying it as a good one

[1:38:31] rather than just a bad movie you really liked?

[1:38:33] Liam, last name withheld.

[1:38:35] Now, I...

[1:38:36] I think the wrong guy is a good movie.

[1:38:40] That's all right.

[1:38:40] So I'm gonna...

[1:38:41] I'm gonna push back on that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:43] I mean, to call Dave Foley an underrated talent seems crazy,

[1:38:46] since everybody loves him and he was the star of a network television show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:50] He is by far...

[1:38:51] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:38:51] How many more accolades must he showered on?

[1:38:54] I mean, there's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:55] He's the star of A Bug's Life.

[1:38:57] I mean, come on.

[1:38:57] I don't know anyone who has a different favorite kid in the hall.

[1:39:01] Uh, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:03] You're Kevin MacDonald, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:04] Maybe Kevin MacDonald or Scott Thompson.

[1:39:06] Maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:06] When I was watching the show regularly, it was Bruce McCullough.

[1:39:10] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:11] Yeah, I think that's changed.

[1:39:12] Even with those weird beatnik poems that he would do?

[1:39:14] Yeah.

[1:39:15] I don't know.

[1:39:16] I was going through some shit.

[1:39:17] I mean, they're all pretty great.

[1:39:18] I love every member of that group.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:19] And Kevin MacDonald's, that fucking beard, the vacation beard sketch is my favorite sketch ever.

[1:39:24] That's so funny.

[1:39:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:27] Just he falls to his death and the beard goes disappear.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:31] I also like the never put salt in your eyes Kevin MacDonald sketch.

[1:39:34] Oh, that's so good.

[1:39:36] Let's just talk about Kid and the Hall, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:38] It's a great show.

[1:39:39] I want to go back.

[1:39:39] I got to go back and watch all the DVDs.

[1:39:43] Anyway, so movies that we like or have liked but are not good.

[1:39:48] Is that what we're getting at?

[1:39:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:49] I mean, I tend to be in the no guilty pleasures camp.

[1:39:54] I tend to think that if I like a movie, then I will defend it as a good movie.

[1:40:01] I know that there are movies that I like that are stupid.

[1:40:05] Yeah.

[1:40:05] I won't say that they're bad, but they're certainly stupid.

[1:40:07] I know there are movies that I like that other people don't like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:10] Yeah.

[1:40:10] I feel like I've enjoyed seeing movies in the movie theater and tricked myself into thinking

[1:40:19] that meant the movie was good as opposed to I enjoyed the experience.

[1:40:22] Oh, sure.

[1:40:23] I mean, fuck.

[1:40:24] I mean, the Star Wars prequels almost fall into that category.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:27] Well, that was like when I was a kid, when Mars Attacks came out for my birthday, I went

[1:40:30] with a bunch of kids to go see Mars Attacks.

[1:40:33] And I had a lot of fun watching with them.

[1:40:35] But Mars Attacks is not the worst movie in the world.

[1:40:38] But I'm never going to go out of my way to watch Mars Attacks again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:41] I watched that.

[1:40:43] When I first saw it in the theater, I didn't like it that much.

[1:40:46] And I think I like it more on a more recent viewing than I thought I would.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:50] Certainly, I think we live in a world where a movie that's basically just a string of nonsense

[1:40:55] jokes around alien invasion has more of a place than it once did.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:59] Also, when I was a kid, that movie offended my sensibilities because it was so unpredictable.

[1:41:05] I'm just like, what is going on?

[1:41:08] All of the people that I thought would survive this movie are dying.

[1:41:11] And all these random second tier talents are surviving the entire film.

[1:41:18] And I think that's the point of the movie.

[1:41:20] I think the movie exists to disquiet you in that way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:23] I guess so.

[1:41:24] But I have an idea of a movie that I like, but I know is a bad movie.

[1:41:28] And while watching it, I'm like, this is a bad movie, but I'm still kind of into it.

[1:41:33] And that would have to be a little movie called Omen 3.

[1:41:38] The Final Conflict.

[1:41:39] In which that's the one where they take it all the way to the point that Damien, the son

[1:41:44] from the Omen movies, is president of the United States and is using that power to get

[1:41:50] kind of to find the next coming of Christ as a baby and looking for magic daggers to stab

[1:41:56] it to death with.

[1:41:57] And it's a crazy movie that ends with them killing Damien and then literally Christ returns.

[1:42:05] And it ends with the second coming.

[1:42:07] And that's the end of the series.

[1:42:08] And it's like not a very good movie.

[1:42:10] But Sam Neill is so scene chewing as President Damien.

[1:42:15] And I just admire that the filmmakers were like, hey, yeah, you know what?

[1:42:21] Let's make Damien the president of the United States.

[1:42:23] It's a crazy concept.

[1:42:27] But it's not a good movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:29] Bad movie that I like.

[1:42:31] This movie, it's called Cheeky.

[1:42:35] It's about butts.

[1:42:37] And it stars a lady with a butt.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:39] Didn't somebody send you that DVD on our podcast?

[1:42:43] That's right.

[1:42:43] I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:44] I mean, it doesn't.

[1:42:45] But it's not like you're watching that movie and you're like, this is fun.

[1:42:48] I'm enjoying this story, even though it's not very good.

[1:42:49] You're just enjoying seeing butts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:51] Yeah.

[1:42:52] You weren't watching that.

[1:42:53] You're like, yeah, I hear this is really good.

[1:42:55] I've been reading some good reviews.

[1:42:56] Or that Nicolas Cage trying to rationalize this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:59] I'm trying to do a Dan impression.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:01] I believe that Sight and Sound put this on their top.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:03] He's in the video store and he doesn't want to be seen going straight to the adult section.

[1:43:09] So he's kind of hovering around the part of the comedy section that's next to the adult section.

[1:43:13] Oh, this looks good.

[1:43:15] It's next to Hard Bodies 2.

[1:43:18] California Hot Tub Company.

[1:43:21] Let's see.

[1:43:21] First off.

[1:43:22] Some kind of car wash thing.

[1:43:23] My voice is neither nasal nor high.

[1:43:27] So, what is this?

[1:43:29] Cheeky.

[1:43:29] I think I heard this is good.

[1:43:31] I'll just get the – and I'll rent another – I'll rent Pelican Brief too.

[1:43:35] Yeah, I'll just get these two.

[1:43:36] And then when he gets home, throws Pelican Brief in the garbage.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:40] Even though he's returning.

[1:43:43] I put it down the drain, the garbage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:46] Like, oh, clumsy me.

[1:43:47] I microwaved this DVD, but I threw this thing in the garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:51] I accidentally dropped Pelican Brief out the window of the car on the way home.

[1:43:54] I guess I have to watch this other one, Cheeky.

[1:43:57] There was a time when I was very –

[1:44:01] It was still pretty early in my going out with my now wife.

[1:44:04] And we went on a vacation with her family, and we were all, like, killing time before it was time to go out for dinner.

[1:44:11] And her dad turns on the TV.

[1:44:12] And he lands on a channel that's showing the show Cheaters, in which people use the show to catch their significant others cheating on them.

[1:44:21] And the host eggs them on to fight each other on camera.

[1:44:24] And he's like, what's this?

[1:44:27] Let's just take a look and see what this is.

[1:44:29] And my wife is like, Dad, you love this show.

[1:44:31] Like, when he was putting on this playlet of, like, the man who stumbled on Cheaters.

[1:44:36] Oh, that's amazing.

[1:44:38] And it's totally not in character for him to want to see that show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:41] You were watching him go through an improv routine.

[1:44:44] You know, to rationalize why – instead of being like –

[1:44:47] Anybody got a character?

[1:44:48] Okay.

[1:44:49] My character is a guy who's never seen Cheaters before.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:52] So Nicholas Cage is like – and there's nobody else in the house but him.

[1:44:56] Sure.

[1:44:56] But he has to go through this elaborate play acting to rationalize why he's sitting down to watch Cheeky.

[1:45:01] Yeah.

[1:45:01] Because he can't admit he just wants to masturbate to it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:02] When I went to put the DVD in the DVD player, it was the uncooked bag of Redenbachers.

[1:45:08] I had microwaved the DVD copy of Pelican Brief.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:11] I somehow got the popcorn mixed up with the DVD.

[1:45:14] So I guess I'm going to have to watch this other DVD, which I –

[1:45:18] And eat uncooked popcorn.

[1:45:19] I thought it was –

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:21] Eat the colonel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:23] It's going to be hell on my teeth.

[1:45:25] I'm going to need some dental work after this.

[1:45:28] Silly Nick.

[1:45:29] Silly old Nick Cage.

[1:45:30] Nothing to be done.

[1:45:31] I guess I'm just going to watch Cheeky and chow down on this unpopped popcorn.

[1:45:37] He's so committed to –

Dan McCoy

[1:45:39] He's alone.

[1:45:40] He has no one to justify to.

[1:45:43] But he's so committed to the fiction that he has to eat unpopped popcorn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:47] Just to do otherwise would be to admit that he was going to rent Cheeky the whole time.

[1:45:52] He said to the dentist.

[1:45:53] The dentist is like, you really screwed up your teeth, Nick Cage.

[1:45:56] Oh, let me spin you a tail.

[1:45:58] It was a long story.

[1:46:00] It certainly had nothing to do with me wanting to by myself achieve orgasm.

[1:46:04] That was not the intention at any point.

[1:46:07] I mean to say – I'd be lying if I said it didn't end in that, but never motivated.

[1:46:12] It was not premeditated.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:13] It all started when I didn't have enough gas to make it to the Blockbuster video at home, so I went to family video.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:21] I had to go to the local video town, which is not as widespread a chain.

[1:46:26] I don't like it as much because it has the large pornography section.

[1:46:29] I don't take my kids there.

[1:46:31] But I mean I have an account there, sure, because sometimes maybe you run out of gas on the way to Blockbuster, which does not carry pornography, and that's why I prefer to go there.

[1:46:41] But in this case, I had to go to this one.

[1:46:43] I don't know if maybe the lights were turned off and I picked up the wrong box or I was misread it.

[1:46:51] I don't know.

[1:46:51] Maybe someone called out my name and I was meant to pick up the box for Pretty in Pink or The Great Mouse Detective.

[1:46:58] And instead I picked up this box for Cheeky and, of course, Pelican Brief, my favorite film, and I take it home and maybe someone called out my name again while I was putting the popcorn.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:08] I would be loathe to admit the true demon in this story when I bought some Orville Redenbacher's microwaved popcorn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:15] Certainly.

[1:47:16] I bought it at the movie theater, at the video store, just one bag.

[1:47:21] For a single movie viewing.

[1:47:22] Someone who was intending to masturbate would never get popcorn because you would want your hands free to manipulate your genitals.

[1:47:31] It would be truly disgusting.

[1:47:34] Oh, that makes sense.

[1:47:34] That makes sense.

[1:47:35] That makes a lot of sense, Nick Cage.

[1:47:37] No more questions.

[1:47:37] Me, Detective, me, Dentist Columbo.

[1:47:41] Oh, just one more thing.

[1:47:44] Just one more question.

[1:47:45] Had you rented this movie Cheeky before?

[1:47:48] I had made that mistake.

[1:47:49] Oh, okay.

[1:47:50] Case closed.

[1:47:51] Take him away, boys.

[1:47:53] You're living in a dystopian future where it's against the law to masturbate.

[1:47:58] Oh, wow.

[1:47:58] You'd think they'd ban pornography.

[1:48:00] Nope, we skipped right ahead.

[1:48:02] It was a real chicken or the egg thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:05] We're really into entrapment.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:09] So anyway, Dan, was there another letter or was that?

Dan McCoy

[1:48:11] No, there's two, but we've been running so long, I'll just do one of these.

[1:48:18] Okay.

[1:48:19] This is from Connor, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:21] Connor McCloud.

[1:48:22] That's what I was going to say, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:25] Hey, floppers.

[1:48:26] I recently watched Andrei Rubilev.

[1:48:29] Okay.

[1:48:29] Something in the strenuous pacing and long stretches of silence felt familiar, even though I hadn't seen any other Tartofsky films.

[1:48:37] It all came together when I learned that Andrei Konchowalitsky, a co-writer on Andrei Rubilev, went on to direct Tango and Cash.

[1:48:48] Do you see any foreshadowing of the great film in early Tartofsky movies?

[1:48:52] Or conversely, do you see any influences of Tango and Cash that could have come from working with Tarkofsky?

[1:48:58] Love, Connor, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:00] I didn't realize that, but I love it.

[1:49:03] I mean, I know that they had a lot of problems on the set of Tango and Cash because they were working with the director.

[1:49:08] They didn't feel really understood the type of movie they were making.

[1:49:11] I will say, I don't know if you guys have seen Andrei Rubilev.

[1:49:14] Nope.

[1:49:15] Is it anything like Tango and Cash?

[1:49:17] It is very not like Tango and Cash.

[1:49:19] But considering it is a long film about a very bleak period in Russian history and kind of the way that man creates religious art to either escape that or try to find some grace in the world, there's a sequence in it.

[1:49:36] If you don't want to sit through all of Andrei Rubilev, and maybe you don't want to, there's a sequence in it in which a town is casting a bell for a church.

[1:49:43] And this young guy whose father was a bell caster, he says, I'll do it.

[1:49:47] I'll do it.

[1:49:48] And the way that sequence is paced feels like a Hollywood movie.

[1:49:52] It feels like this is the protagonist.

[1:49:54] He's got this crazy goal.

[1:49:56] He's going to push it through as hard as he can by making these people work in a way they've never worked before.

[1:50:02] And it feels really suspenseful whether this bell is going to get finished and actually ring or crack when they finish it.

[1:50:08] And like that sequence feels like a Hollywood sequence.

[1:50:12] The rest of the movie does not.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:13] And then the guy pushes down the bell maker and puts a chair over his head and says something about spaghetti.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:23] Is that the same?

[1:50:25] He doesn't put a chair over his head.

[1:50:26] I think you're talking about the scene where the dirty cop goes into the fridge to take out his food.

[1:50:32] And when he closes the door, Sylvester Stallone's standing right there and he goes, well, from what you're eating, I see you haven't been watching your weight.

[1:50:38] I guess you're too busy looking at the drugs you planted to set us up.

[1:50:43] Something like that.

[1:50:44] But Andre Rubilev, it's worth watching the bell casting scene part of it.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:49] I mean, the whole movie is worth it.

[1:50:51] But if you're going to see anything, see the bell casting part.

[1:50:53] Again, what you missed at home was while Elliot was talking about Andre Rubilev, Stuart was loudly paging through his copy of A Night of the Second Kingdom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:01] As if I'm the one who brought up the film.

[1:51:04] As if I wasn't directly addressing a letter.

[1:51:07] And as if we weren't talking about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:09] When that came up, Elliot started salivating and couldn't wait.

[1:51:14] He was chomping at the bit to start talking about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:18] Because I really like that sequence, especially.

[1:51:20] You could have talked about Tengu and Cash, though.

[1:51:21] That was a perfect opportunity.

[1:51:23] I mean, it was a literal invitation to talk about Tengu and Cash.

[1:51:27] Talk about Tengu and Cash.

[1:51:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:28] The sequence in Andre Rubilev is called The Bell.

[1:51:31] Okay, cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:32] Any more letters, Dan?

[1:51:35] I said expressly that I was skipping the final letters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:38] Okay, let's get right to the next segment of this podcast is recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:43] And let's do this one super fast because it's late.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:46] Okay.

[1:51:46] And you've been listening for a long time.

[1:51:48] I haven't had a lot of time to watch movies lately other than Rogue One twice.

[1:51:52] More thoughts on that later.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:55] On the show or not?

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:57] I don't know.

[1:51:58] Maybe afterwards.

[1:51:58] Whenever Star Wars Minute gets to it?

[1:52:00] Yeah, hopefully.

[1:52:02] And I have been at home playing a lot of Nitro Plus Blasters, Heroin's Infinite Duel.

[1:52:08] That's a lot of backstory for a quick recommendation.

[1:52:11] And a plug for this.

[1:52:13] For Nitro Plus Blasters, Heroin's Infinite Duel.

[1:52:15] Yeah.

[1:52:16] It's super great.

[1:52:17] But I'm going to plug a movie that I hosted a screening of at the Alamo Draft House about a month ago called The Gate.

[1:52:29] It's a Canadian horror movie from 1987 starring Stephen Dorff.

[1:52:34] You might remember him as a...

[1:52:36] As Dorff goes fishing.

[1:52:37] Yep.

[1:52:37] As a bloodsucker from the first Blade movie.

[1:52:42] And this movie is when he was a little baby boy.

[1:52:45] And it's about a couple of young teens who get involved with a portal to hell opening in their backyard while their parents are out of town.

[1:52:55] And it is a lot of fun.

[1:52:58] It's very much of a time.

[1:53:00] The special effects are great.

[1:53:01] It still features one of my all-time favorite special effects shots.

[1:53:06] And yeah.

[1:53:07] So if you're looking for a movie that's pretty light and has some cool special effects and yeah, it's pretty fun, go check it out.

[1:53:15] The Gate.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:17] I'm going to recommend a movie that I saw around the holidays and is vaguely holiday related in its first hour, although not for the rest of the movie.

[1:53:25] And that is Fanny and Alexander, which is Ingmar Bergman's final film.

[1:53:30] That he directed.

[1:53:31] That he directed.

[1:53:31] He wrote some others after that.

[1:53:32] It's three hours long unless you're watching the television version, which is closer to five.

[1:53:37] And Jaleel White's in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:38] Oh, really?

[1:53:39] As Erkel, yeah.

[1:53:40] And the California Raisins.

[1:53:41] I thought he was in his Stefan or Kel.

[1:53:44] Oh, good point.

[1:53:45] Good point.

[1:53:45] I'm sorry.

[1:53:45] You're right.

[1:53:46] He comes on Stefan or Kel and Erkelbot.

[1:53:48] But the first hour.

[1:53:50] Ingmar Bergman's The Passion of Erkelbot.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:55] The first hour is a mostly happy but bittersweet sort of portrait of a holiday, a Christmas holiday around the turn of the century.

[1:54:10] But then it turns into kind of a harrowing story for the second two hours of a woman and her children being in a sort of abusive household led by a man of the cloth.

[1:54:24] So that's kind of a movie.

[1:54:26] But there's a take heart.

[1:54:30] There's a magical realism sort of rescue at the end and the movie ends on a hopeful note.

[1:54:36] But I thought it was a really beautiful movie.

[1:54:40] It runs the spectrum of human emotion.

[1:54:42] It's very honest.

[1:54:45] It looks beautiful.

[1:54:46] It's a movie where the cinematography is not doing anything sort of obviously showy to make it look beautiful.

[1:54:54] But it's beautiful nonetheless.

[1:54:57] And I don't know.

[1:54:59] I hadn't seen a lot of Bergman.

[1:55:01] I'd seen Wild Strawberries and Smiles of a Summer Night.

[1:55:06] But this was quite a film.

[1:55:09] And I recommend it highly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:11] And I'm going to recommend a newer movie.

[1:55:13] Huh?

[1:55:14] What?

[1:55:15] That people may have already heard of or seen.

[1:55:17] Yep.

[1:55:17] It doesn't really need my recommendation.

[1:55:19] But of the new slate of movies that I've seen, I really enjoyed.

[1:55:23] I guess enjoyed is the wrong word.

[1:55:24] I found really powerful the movie Moonlight directed by Barry Jenkins.

[1:55:28] Which is a set of three chapters kind of in the life of a first young boy and then young man growing up in a tough situation with a drug addicted mother who has a –

[1:55:46] I guess I don't want to talk too much about what happens in the kid's life because it's not like there's a suspenseful plot.

[1:55:50] But the way that the character's life and path unfolds is there's something in discovering it as it goes on that's both very like painful to watch but also surprising and interesting.

[1:56:06] But Moonlight, I thought it was really, really good.

[1:56:09] And Barry Jenkins, of course, made a previous movie, Medicine for Melancholy, featuring friend of the Flophouse, Wyatt Cenac.

[1:56:17] Oh, cool.

[1:56:18] While not quite as polished a film as Moonlight, it's still worth seeing.

[1:56:22] So I'll recommend both Moonlight and Medicine for Melancholy.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:25] So two very classy recommendations and The Gate.

[1:56:29] Hey, everybody's allowed to have their own thing, Dan.

[1:56:31] Yeah, dude.

[1:56:33] So, hey guys, we finally did a show that was shorter than the movie we were.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:39] But it's so fucking long.

[1:56:41] Barely.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:42] It's still like a long episode.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:43] Barely.

[1:56:43] So first off, if you want to listen to some –

[1:56:45] Half an hour.

[1:56:45] If you want to listen to some better, shorter podcasts, go over to Maximum Fun.

[1:56:49] There's a bunch of other podcasts there.

[1:56:50] That's our network.

[1:56:52] There's some great ones.

[1:56:53] If you want to listen to one of us that's like super longer, we just did a guest episode of The Adventure Zone.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:59] Three and a half hours long.

[1:57:01] And boy, is it longer than it needed to be.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:05] If only you guys had figured out the mystery faster.

[1:57:08] Well, when I was listening to it, I was like, why are we wasting so much time ordering drinks in this bar?

[1:57:12] We could have just said, okay, we go to the party the next day.

[1:57:15] Now, welcome to my world.

Dan McCoy

[1:57:18] I think I literally said at one point, like, all right, we're 30 minutes in and we haven't gotten our mission yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:25] But anyway, MaxFun has a lot of great podcasts and you should listen to them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:29] Yeah, and we're going to be part of a show in February, the very, very fun day, a one-day event with MaxFun Podcast and a couple of local Chicago podcasts in Chicago, February 11th.

[1:57:42] And I think that's it for plugs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:44] And if I could put in a plug for my other show, Presidents Are People 2, which is available either through Audible or if you're an Amazon Prime member, you can get it that way.

[1:57:52] Or it's on iTunes now, Presidents Are People 2.

[1:57:55] Picking up some steam.

[1:57:56] Thanks.

[1:57:56] It's a very different show than this.

[1:57:58] It is a –

[1:57:59] It has content.

[1:58:00] It has actual factual content.

[1:58:02] And it's much shorter.

[1:58:03] It's much shorter.

[1:58:04] Each episode is less than a half hour long.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:06] And people trim Elliot's voice down.

[1:58:08] You have an editor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:09] And if you want to – and you know what?

[1:58:11] If you want to go on iTunes and review the Flophouse, were Presidents Are People 2?

[1:58:15] I went on recently.

[1:58:16] That was a mistake and saw how many of the reviews are about how irritating my voice is.

[1:58:20] So if you like these shows –

[1:58:21] How pleasant Alexis' voice is.

[1:58:23] I mean, that was implied, I guess.

[1:58:25] Just go on and give us some reviews.

[1:58:28] Or talk about on Twitter how much you like the Flophouse.

[1:58:30] I don't know.

[1:58:31] Go out there and viral market for us.

[1:58:33] Word of mouth, people.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:34] Earn your keep.

[1:58:35] Earn your keep.

[1:58:38] But that's all for this time around in the delightful place we call the Flophouse.

[1:58:45] It's not a new thing you're doing.

[1:58:47] I don't know.

[1:58:48] I'm just trying to mix it up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:49] Dan's always looking for his new closing line.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:52] But for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:58:55] I am Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:57] Years from now, the tribes will tell a legend of a man named Elliot Kalin.

[1:59:02] But it'll be a different guy than me who had the same name.

[1:59:05] Good night, everyone.

[1:59:07] Bye.

Dan McCoy

[1:59:16] Hot nudity.

[1:59:20] This is the level.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59:21] Get your hot nudity here, everyone.

[1:59:23] This is the level at which I'm operating tonight.

Dan McCoy

[1:59:25] Okay.

[1:59:26] Extra, extra.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59:28] Get your red hot nudity.

[1:59:32] Very titillating.

[1:59:36] People without their clothes.

[1:59:38] No clothes or your money back.

[1:59:40] See the parts you don't normally see.

Dan McCoy

[1:59:45] Usually you have to imagine nudity like this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59:49] Everybody will be wearing suits.

[1:59:51] Birthday suits.

[1:59:52] Society has deemed your natural interest in these parts shameful.

[1:59:58] Pay to be relieved of that socially induced guilt for but a moment.

[2:00:04] This is all gold.

[2:00:05] So.

[2:00:05] Fool's gold.

[2:00:08] The Joker, of course.

[2:00:09] The ultimate fool.

[2:00:10] The clown prince of crime.

[2:00:14] Do we just solve a Riddler's riddle?

[2:00:16] Is that what happens?

[2:00:17] Yeah.

[2:00:17] Well, it's like in the Batman show, they would make up their explanations.

[2:00:21] There's my favorite part of Batman 66 is when he goes, that shark was almost pulling my leg like some kind of riddle.

[2:00:29] The Riddler.

[2:00:30] It's like, no, dude.

[2:00:31] That does not count.

Dan McCoy

[2:00:35] Batman just goes and like is like beating the shit out of the Riddler.

[2:00:39] The Riddler's like, I don't know what I did.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:40] I am innocent of this.

[2:00:45] You ready, Stu?

[2:00:49] Hell yeah.

[2:00:51] The dawn comes in on little cat feet.

[2:00:53] Of course, Catwoman.

[2:00:56] Every morning.

[2:00:58] That's how he reacts.

[2:01:02] The first time he sees two people, he goes, two faces.

[2:01:06] Two face, of course.

[2:01:10] Oh, no.

[2:01:11] Can I have more good ones?

[2:01:12] Bruce Wayne, you actually have a sort of associative disorder in which you associate just random occurrences with these villains you seem to have met that nobody else has seen.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:22] Oh, shit.

[2:01:23] I'm running late.

[2:01:24] I'm looking at my watch.

[2:01:25] A watch is a clock.

[2:01:26] It was clock king.

[2:01:28] He made me late for this movie.

[2:01:31] What's the date today?

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:32] Let me check.

[2:01:32] Calendar man.

[2:01:35] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:37] And the killer was wearing Crocs.

[2:01:39] Of course, killer Croc.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:42] So, Dan, should we do one of those intro things?

[2:01:44] This is all bloops for the ending, right?

[2:01:46] These are some prime bloops.

[2:01:48] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:49] Yeah.

[2:01:49] They're really going to want to stick around.

[2:01:53] We're going to have to put a fucking thing on the box so people know they should stick around for the unrated bloops at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:59] Stay tuned for the deleted scene.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:00] Don't leave when the credits rolls because the fun has just begun.

[2:02:03] Make sure to put the kids to bed when the credits roll so they don't hear these fucking unrated bloops.

[2:02:11] Maximumfun.org.

[2:02:12] Comedy and culture.

[2:02:13] Artist owned.

[2:02:14] Listener supported.

Dan McCoy

[2:02:16] Hi, this is Griffin McElroy.

S4

[2:02:17] Hi, this is Rachel McElroy.

Dan McCoy

[2:02:18] And we're the hosts of Rose Buddies.

[2:02:19] It's a podcast about the Bachelor family of products.

S4

[2:02:22] We watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:25] Yes, it is garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile.

[2:02:28] We're the raccoons in charge around here.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:30] So, join us on Tuesdays.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:32] Because the TV show's on Mondays.

[2:02:33] And basically, we'll recap what we saw, and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it.

Dan McCoy

[2:02:39] No viewing required.

[2:02:40] But it's a good TV show.

[2:02:43] What are you doing?

[2:02:43] Ha, ha, ha.

Ep. #221 - Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

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