Ep. #222 - Home Sweet Hell

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Home Sweet Hell.

[0:04] A movie I did not believe existed.

[0:07] I don't think we watched a real movie.

[0:09] Like, what did we just watch?

[0:11] What was that?

[0:13] I forgot already.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:42] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] Hey, everybody.

[0:46] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] David Lee Roth over there, I guess.

[0:50] And over here, Elliot Kalin, too?

[0:53] Is this some kind of Flophouse reunion?

[0:56] Guys.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] You guys have aged really well over the last...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] Wow, the energy level on the podcast is already dipping.

[1:05] It dropped amazingly precipitously as soon as I started talking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] Belly flop, yeah.

[1:11] So, Dan, let's do this reunion bit that kind of died on the vines.

[1:14] You're saying we aged well.

[1:16] Yeah.

[1:17] What do you do now, Dan?

[1:18] I mean, back in the olden days of the Flophouse, you were just kind of like this...

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] You were a successful TV writer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Successful TV writer, but kind of a bad boy on the side.

[1:26] Well, have you reformed your ways, or are you dead from a drug overdose now?

Dan McCoy

[1:30] Now I'm a professional bad boy.

[1:31] I'm a TV writer on the side.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33] Okay.

[1:34] So, we pay you to be a bad boy?

[1:35] That's right.

[1:36] What does that do?

Stuart Wellington

[1:37] So, wait, we, the American people, do, or just me and Elliot do it?

[1:40] No, no.

[1:41] It's a tax thing.

[1:42] Is it a...

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] It's not like a...

[1:43] Your tax dollars come to me.

[1:45] It's not like a Patreon account for just being a bad boy?

[1:49] No.

[1:49] I'm sure there is one of those.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51] It's like a Kickstarter page just for a trip to Vegas you're going to take?

[1:54] There's got to be a Patreon who's just like...

[1:57] Some dude who's just like, I'm really awesome and a badass, and I wear hats.

[2:00] And people are like, whoa, anything for you, hat lord?

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] One of the lesser British horror movies, hat lord.

[2:11] It's British, huh?

[2:12] Don't put that hat on that way, you're cold.

[2:15] The hat lord to all dimension.

Stuart Wellington

[2:17] Okay, because there's a lord.

[2:19] Oh, because of...

[2:21] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[2:21] Oh.

[2:21] It's a...

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[2:24] Oh.

[2:25] Dan, you getting on this sound effect stuff?

[2:27] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] That's the sound the hat lord makes when he appears.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] So, what have you been up to, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] Well, what, since the last episode?

[2:37] No, we're still doing the bit, asshole.

[2:39] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[2:41] I'm, uh...

[2:42] I own a zoo.

[2:44] Yeah, we bought a zoo.

[2:45] Just like the film with the same name.

[2:47] I was so inspired by it that I bought one.

[2:49] Yeah.

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:50] Unfortunately, it's a zoobily zoo, so it's just a bunch of people in costumes.

[2:55] Terrible.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] Well, magic and wonder are waiting for you there, so I'm led to believe.

Elliott Kalan

[3:00] You have been led to believe wrong.

[3:03] Oh.

[3:03] Stuart, what about you?

[3:04] How have you been filling the time since the last time?

[3:06] Oh, uh, just riding the rails.

[3:09] And that's not that different from Dan, professional bad boy McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] Yeah, he found that hilarious.

[3:16] Well, yeah, I don't have, like, a Patreon account for it.

[3:19] I'm just, you know, just eating stuff out of soup cans.

[3:23] So soup.

[3:23] I'm washing my hands.

[3:24] Soup.

[3:26] You're not...

[3:26] I sometimes put sandwiches in my soup cans.

[3:30] I mean, once you get used to, like, I mean...

[3:33] You call it can-wiches, sure.

[3:34] I put all kinds of food on plates.

[3:36] A soup can is my plate.

[3:38] Yeah, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] Good point.

[3:40] Touché.

[3:40] I got you.

[3:41] You win this logic contest, king of the hobos.

Stuart Wellington

[3:45] Sometimes I have to hold a mirror up to your button-down values.

[3:49] What is this?

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] With honors?

[3:50] Because a hobo has just bested my college education.

[3:53] Yeah.

[3:54] Are you Joe Pesci?

Stuart Wellington

[3:56] I can't.

[3:57] You know, I'm a Joe Pesci on the streets, a Brendan Fraser at the sheets.

Elliott Kalan

[4:00] It doesn't make any sense.

Stuart Wellington

[4:03] Yeah, Brendan Fraser.

[4:04] He was in that movie, right?

[4:06] Yeah, he was.

[4:06] Okay.

[4:07] Correct.

[4:08] We're a second hour.

[4:08] Whip on her.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] For a second hour.

[4:10] It's right there.

[4:11] If you want to do a Brendan Fraser college film festival, you play that and...

[4:17] What's that?

[4:18] School ties.

[4:18] That wasn't a college.

Stuart Wellington

[4:19] I thought that was, like, a boarding school.

Dan McCoy

[4:23] A college is basically a boarding school.

[4:25] It was about neckties that you wear at school.

[4:28] School ties.

[4:29] Oh, Dan, I've got so much to explain to you.

[4:31] I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] I've got so much to explain to you.

Stuart Wellington

[4:33] Is that the one?

[4:33] No, that's Toy Soldiers.

[4:35] I just answered my own question.

Elliott Kalan

[4:36] School ties is the anti-Semitism one.

Stuart Wellington

[4:38] Toy Soldiers is the one with...

[4:40] Which one's the pro-Semitism one?

Elliott Kalan

[4:42] I mean, the movie is pro-Semitism.

[4:45] It's against anti-Semitism.

[4:47] It's not Jude Seuss or any of the Nazi films.

Stuart Wellington

[4:50] Okay.

[4:52] So, yeah, I'm just this cool hobo character.

Dan McCoy

[4:58] Just trying to keep away from the train security.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] Now I've done...

[5:04] The bulls.

Stuart Wellington

[5:04] Yeah, I'm looking for hobo code scratching the post that says, does play Warhammer here.

[5:12] Nice gamer here.

[5:15] Perfect.

[5:15] I'll take advantage of their hospitality.

[5:18] Avoid.

[5:18] Bad loser loser.

Dan McCoy

[5:20] And you're floating along the air from the scent of pies.

Stuart Wellington

[5:23] Now I have this image now.

[5:25] Pizza pies.

[5:25] Because I'm a 21st century hobo.

Elliott Kalan

[5:27] Yeah, the food.

[5:29] Because that's what, a new food?

[5:30] I love that album of yours, 21st century hobo.

[5:33] I have an image of your Saturday Night Live audition.

[5:35] Like, what characters have you brought?

[5:36] Well, this is my new character.

[5:38] Futuristic cool hobo.

[5:40] They're like, I think there's too much going on in this concept.

[5:44] Well, I think you are giving the producers of Saturday Night Live a lot of credit.

[5:47] Actually, if you walked in with the character of futuristic cool hobo, and it's sunglasses, a backwards cap, and a bindle, and you're talking about how, like, you gotta catch the hoverboards to get from town to town, you would be on SNL tomorrow.

Stuart Wellington

[5:59] They would love it.

[6:00] If I also walked in and just fucked up all my lines and broken shit, they'd be like, perfect, you're just what we're looking for.

Elliott Kalan

[6:07] But what celebrities could you do?

[6:08] You could do Seth Rogen.

[6:09] You could do Josh Brolin.

[6:11] Yeah.

[6:11] You could do, I bet you could do a Timothy Oliphant if they were going to justify a sketch.

Stuart Wellington

[6:16] I could do a combination of those characters.

[6:19] Seth Brolin.

[6:20] Yeah, he's the ultimate bro.

[6:22] Do you guys see the hamster wheel working in my head while I piece them together?

[6:25] Wait a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] And all you did was take the first name of one and the last name of another and put them together.

Dan McCoy

[6:31] Yeah, that character would make Lorne Michaels flip out of frame into a bowl of popcorn one of his interns made for him.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] Yeah, okay, you put some real Lorne Michaels details in there.

Dan McCoy

[6:41] Yeah, that's a thing.

[6:43] They call it the Bazooka Joe effect.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] When it's just your feet flying out of the frame?

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:48] When a joke is so powerful it knocks you over and hurts you.

[6:52] I'm assuming it hurts you.

[6:52] Like you were shot by a bazooka.

[6:54] Joe.

Dan McCoy

[6:56] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[6:58] Oh, this is a podcast.

[7:00] Where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[7:03] What did we just do?

[7:04] What was that?

Elliott Kalan

[7:06] That was a fever dream that we all had collectively.

[7:10] Oh, I forgot.

[7:10] We all took ayahuasca when we started recording.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] You guys can hear this too, right?

[7:16] Dan created a sweat lodge for us out of used blue apron food containers.

[7:23] And created smoke from his collection of, I don't know, what kind of underpants?

[7:27] Mack Weldon underpants or something?

[7:29] Yeah, I was burning Mack Weldon underpants.

[7:30] Yeah, on Squarespace.

[7:33] Oh, wow.

[7:35] So, and yeah, we began to hallucinate.

[7:37] We began to imagine what we thought was a movie and is in fact a movie, Dan, or not a movie?

Dan McCoy

[7:44] It's time to play America's favorite game, movie or not a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Perfect.

[7:48] This is the perfect example for it because I am, we spent, what, an hour and 40 minutes watching something.

[7:53] I'm not convinced it was a movie.

[7:55] You're going to have to show me like a receipt from someone buying a ticket to see what we just watched.

[8:01] Because I almost don't, I believe, it's almost like I believe you and your Hollywood friends got together Jimmy Kimmel style and made up a crappy movie just to punk us.

Stuart Wellington

[8:09] I almost want you to pause your podcast player and then tweet me the name of the movie that we watched because I don't even remember it.

[8:18] Well, it's Home Sweet Hell.

[8:20] Okay, thank you.

[8:21] So don't do the thing I just, if you already did it, delete the tweet.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] That was that public service campaign, delete the tweet.

[8:30] Hey, if you say something you don't like, just delete the tweet.

[8:34] Let's look for a better Twitter.

[8:36] Hi, I'm Jack Twitter, creator of Twitter.

[8:40] Okay, continue.

[8:42] Sometimes we tweet something we think about later and we're like, why did I say that?

[8:46] So delete the tweet.

[8:48] You know, I usually.

[8:49] It rhymes, so I remember it.

[8:51] Yeah, that's how rhyming works.

[8:52] Dan, what do you want to avoid?

[8:54] The Noid.

[8:55] When was the last time you saw a Domino's Pizza commercial about the Noid?

[8:58] That's true.

[8:59] And yet it is burned into your brain.

Dan McCoy

[9:01] Didn't they stop doing the Noid because a guy dressed as a Noid?

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] No, a guy with the last name Noid.

[9:06] Yeah, I think he brought a gun to, who had mental problems.

[9:09] Brought a gun to a Domino's and was like, stop telling people to get them, stay away from me.

Stuart Wellington

[9:12] I thought it was because the Red Bull chased all the Noids into the waves.

[9:19] Oh, the last Noid.

[9:20] Yeah, except for one last Noid.

[9:23] Smashing pizzas all over the fucking place.

[9:26] They have to find a wizard and some other things.

[9:28] Yeah, with music by America.

Elliott Kalan

[9:31] Sounds beautiful.

[9:32] So, Dan, we watched a movie.

[9:34] What was it called?

[9:34] It was called Home Sweet Hell.

[9:36] What was this?

[9:37] Describe it to me, Dan.

[9:39] Sell me Home Sweet Hell.

Dan McCoy

[9:40] All right.

[9:41] So there's a lady called Katherine Heigl.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] That's her name in the movie?

Dan McCoy

[9:47] She's named Mona in the movie.

[9:48] Okay.

[9:49] That's how you know.

[9:51] She's the boss.

[9:52] Hey.

Stuart Wellington

[9:55] There's one Italian person in that show.

[9:57] I'm assuming you listeners are cracking up and you're probably wondering, why are Dan

[10:01] and Elliot not laughing?

[10:02] Because Stuart made that joke a hundred times when we watched the movie.

[10:05] Yep, very much.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] And then would tell us, you could use that on the podcast, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[10:09] And then I looked them in the eyes until they looked away.

Dan McCoy

[10:14] So, reoccurring Flophouse favorite, Katherine Heigl, please.

Elliott Kalan

[10:17] This is what, like the fourth or fifth movie she's been in?

[10:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:20] Yeah.

[10:20] At least three.

[10:21] We should send her some flowers or something.

[10:23] Yeah.

[10:24] Mm-hmm.

[10:25] And somebody should send us flowers because we had our first ever Jim Belushi appearance

[10:30] on the Flophouse.

[10:32] Whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] Finally.

[10:32] The Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

Stuart Wellington

[10:33] He finally lowered himself to make a bad movie.

[10:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] His impeccable, otherwise impeccable record.

[10:39] But there's a lot of big stars in this.

[10:40] Katherine Heigl.

[10:41] Casey at the back, you know.

[10:42] He's bound to strike out one of these days.

[10:44] Yes.

[10:45] Patrick Wilson was in this.

[10:47] Mm-hmm.

[10:47] And Chai McBride.

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] Jordana Brewster of the Fast and the Furious series.

[10:53] Mm-hmm.

[10:54] And recently on that People vs. OJ TV show.

[10:57] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[10:58] So who won in that fight?

[10:59] The People vs. OJ.

Stuart Wellington

[11:02] I think that is a complicated question.

[11:04] American television viewers.

[11:08] I'll tell you who.

[11:09] Nielsen.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Because it did.

[11:12] Bafo B.O.

[11:12] Oh, I'm sorry.

[11:13] I meant Nelson.

[11:14] The band.

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] Who scored the show, The People vs. OJ.

Dan McCoy

[11:21] So we're talking more nonsense than usual because we didn't care for the experience we just had.

Elliott Kalan

[11:27] The movie we watched is maybe.

[11:28] It's like a serial mom.

[11:29] It's one of my least favorite genres of film, which is the dark comedy, which usually means a movie without jokes where there's a lot of unpleasant things that happen, but the soundtrack is like doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.

[11:44] And the points it's making about whatever it's about, in this case, I guess like white suburban perfection.

[11:51] Now, see this.

[11:52] Are super blatant and obvious.

Stuart Wellington

[11:55] Not as subtle as you've come to expect from Katherine Heigl's other performances.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] No, as we were watching it and the opening of the movie felt like we were watching the opening to the show Weeds.

[12:05] The opening to the show Weeds was a subtle, delicate play compared to this.

[12:12] It was a slight twitch of the lip at the idea of conformity compared to this movie.

Dan McCoy

[12:19] Yeah.

[12:20] You're not impugning dark comedies as a whole.

[12:24] It's more of this specific type of suburban black comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] It's more that I think of all the – I mean specifically that, a movie about how underneath the surface of the suburbs there's a lot of crazy shit.

[12:35] Yeah.

[12:35] But also I feel like dark comedies are the – maybe the easiest genre to fuck up and to do badly.

[12:42] It's very hard to do.

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] Yeah.

[12:44] I mean comedy in general is very difficult for people that don't have sense of humor to properly do.

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] That's a good point too.

[12:51] But I feel – but dark comedy in particular because it's a very thin line between – whoa, this is crazy and pessimistic, but it's funny.

[12:59] And I'm a little shocked by it.

[13:00] A very thin line between that and just like this movie where Katherine Heigl stabs a Scotsman with a crazy accent.

[13:07] Kevin McKinn.

[13:08] Kevin McKinn.

[13:08] And then uses a katana blade to kill a topless woman and there's blood all over.

[13:14] It's like –

[13:15] So it's like, sounds great.

Stuart Wellington

[13:17] Well, that's the thing.

[13:18] You describe a movie where Kevin McKinn gets killed and then a topless woman gets killed with a katana blade.

[13:24] I'm probably going to sign up for that movie.

[13:27] This is also after –

[13:28] Know thyself, Socrates said, I think.

[13:30] No, but –

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] This is after Katherine Heigl has already stuffed the severed head of a woman that she –

[13:40] Dismembered.

[13:41] Dismembered after beating to death with a hammer after her husband poisoned her and stuffs that into the freezer of these criminals.

[13:49] Like it's a movie that – this kind of movie thinks that outrageousness and blood equals like fun.

[13:57] It's –

[13:57] Whereas –

[13:58] It's done well.

[13:59] It can be very like shocking and fun.

[14:01] But when it's done poorly like this, I just find it disgusting.

Dan McCoy

[14:03] Yeah.

[14:04] If it's not funny, then you're just like, oh, this movie did not earn like just murdering a bunch of people in front of me.

Elliott Kalan

[14:12] And maybe it's because we grew up in the 90s, the golden age of bad dark comedies, when there – it felt like there was always a new movie coming out that involved like a prostitute accidentally being killed or someone deciding that they wanted to poison their way to the top of a company or –

Stuart Wellington

[14:28] Or somebody running around with a duffel bag that has eight heads in it.

[14:32] Exactly.

[14:33] There you go.

[14:34] There was this –

[14:35] Eight heads.

[14:35] I don't believe it.

[14:36] Seven heads.

[14:37] In one duffel bag?

[14:38] Oh, you need to watch this VHS tape I got.

[14:42] Wait a minute.

[14:42] What's it called?

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] It's called With Honors with Joe Pesci.

[14:45] Eight heads in a duffel bag does star Joe Pesci though.

[14:48] But it's the kind of movie – I feel like between the release of Pulp Fiction and the release of The Matrix, when all the people who were making shitty Pulp Fiction ripoffs started making shitty Matrix ripoffs, there was this era when it was like, I guess we'll make a comedy.

[15:06] Get me a ton of fake blood and a hitman with a gun and we'll dismember something.

Dan McCoy

[15:11] Look, I need to know what I can do in Denver when I'm dead.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] I mean, that's not a comedy though.

[15:17] It is like a Tarantino ripoff.

[15:19] It's a Tarantino ripoff.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] I'm just – you know, I'm dead.

[15:22] I've got a few days to kill.

[15:24] I've got a few days in the valley.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] I'm thinking about movies like –

[15:27] Yep, keep going.

[15:28] Do you like more?

[15:29] Movies like Very Bad Things or The Last Supper or that kind of stuff.

[15:33] Mm-hmm.

[15:34] Where they were all trying to make To Die For, basically.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] Yeah.

[15:38] Which even that –

[15:39] Even that's not very funny.

Elliott Kalan

[15:40] Like it's not a funny movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:42] Yeah, it's well made but yeah, it doesn't – the satirical points it's making are, let's say, easy.

Stuart Wellington

[15:48] Yes.

[15:49] The only thing I remember about that movie is that it makes liberal use of the song,

[15:55] Dirty Laundry by Don Henley.

[16:00] So –

[16:00] Two words that I can't see and not sing, Dirty Laundry.

[16:07] So this movie –

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] Comes up a lot.

[16:08] So this movie –

[16:08] So Catherine Heigl is married to Patrick Wilson.

[16:10] You may know him from Watchmen or Little Children or whatever, anything he's been in.

Stuart Wellington

[16:14] I think he was in The Conjurings.

[16:18] He was – like he's occasionally on things like Girls.

[16:21] He was in that one episode of Girls.

[16:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:23] He's good at playing like a buff guy who's weak.

[16:26] I mean, I like him a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[16:27] He's in the second season of Fargo playing a young Keith Carradine.

[16:31] And he's good in that.

[16:32] Yeah, he's good in that.

[16:33] That's a good way to put it.

[16:33] I disagree but that's okay.

[16:35] No, I thought he was good in it.

[16:36] I think he's fine.

[16:36] I just think his character is really boring.

Elliott Kalan

[16:38] I'll give you that.

[16:40] That's fair.

[16:41] He is good at playing a character who looks like he should be commanding but is in fact weakened on the inside.

[16:47] Like that's – he's very good at that.

[16:49] That's true.

[16:50] But – so they're married and his name is Don Champagne.

[16:54] He owns Champagne Furniture which it took me so long into the movie to realize was not a champagne store.

[16:59] It was a furniture store.

[17:00] And he employs his best friend, Jim Belushi as a salesman there.

[17:04] Now, Katherine Heigl is a very demanding wife.

[17:06] She is prickly and perfect in her ways or demanding to the point of grotesque parody.

[17:14] This is like a caricature of a human being.

Stuart Wellington

[17:17] Like the most Stepford-wifey Stepford wife.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] I guess except the Stepford wives were all about like pleasing their man.

Dan McCoy

[17:24] Yeah, and Katherine Heigl schedules sex which apparently happens six times a year.

Elliott Kalan

[17:29] For only 15 minutes each.

[17:32] It's scheduled for 9.30 to 9.45 in her book.

[17:35] What are they going to do with that extra 12 minutes?

[17:37] Oh!

Stuart Wellington

[17:39] I thought I was going the other way.

[17:42] Hey, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[17:43] Women, men are always thinking with the wrong head.

[17:45] Am I right?

[17:46] This thing on?

[17:47] Excuse me.

[17:48] Hello.

[17:49] Anyway, let me go do some more of my edgy, out there stand-up comedy.

[17:55] You know, guys only want one thing.

[17:57] And women, they want a different thing.

Stuart Wellington

[17:59] Elliot, where do you get that stained wife beater that you're wearing?

[18:02] Well, the term wife beater is inappropriate.

[18:05] But that's what it says written across the front of your Italian tee you're wearing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:09] That's because that's a scarlet letter type thing.

[18:12] Oh, no.

[18:13] Yeah.

[18:14] That's terrible.

[18:15] So your comedy comes from a dark place is what you're saying.

[18:18] I didn't beat my wife.

[18:21] No.

[18:21] This stands for will I forget everything?

[18:26] But everything also takes every road.

[18:33] And it just helps me remember that, you know what?

[18:36] I got a lot on my mind.

[18:37] But if I let it go, it'll come back to me.

[18:41] If I just follow life.

[18:42] Well, it checks out.

Dan McCoy

[18:43] I don't see anything wrong with what you just said.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] Yeah, that's the acronym.

[18:47] Phew.

[18:48] All right.

[18:49] So they, he is a, he's, she is playing the type of true-ish character that she often complains about being cast as in other things, I feel like, Katherine Heigl.

[19:00] And she is always browbeating her husband at the furniture store.

[19:02] And it's clear that, hey, wait a minute.

[19:04] Actually, it's clear.

[19:05] And they talk about how her parents helped pay for their house, helped pay the kids' bills.

[19:10] There's some mysterious parents that we don't get to meet.

[19:13] There's a moment near the end where they're like, oh, my parents are going to come by for our son's birthday party.

[19:18] And Stuart was like, can't wait to meet these parents.

[19:20] They do not show up.

[19:22] They are forgotten completely.

[19:24] But anyway, he is, this guy, he just wants to, he, look, his life is terrible.

[19:29] He's unhappy.

[19:30] Uh-oh.

[19:31] And then he hires some pretty young thing to start working at his furniture store.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] He gets very excited by the prospect of a handjob from his wife.

[19:39] A handjob.

[19:40] The most exciting sexual encounter.

Stuart Wellington

[19:44] I mean, it depends.

[19:45] Are you getting a handjob from, like, Poseidon?

[19:47] That would be pretty crazy.

[19:48] Yeah, don't yuck on a yum, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] I'm just, don't yuck on a yum.

Stuart Wellington

[19:52] I gotta, I gotta interrupt real quick.

[19:55] Wait, wait, hold on a second.

[19:56] Wait, what was the money we told us?

Dan McCoy

[19:59] Is this a word from our sponsors?

[20:01] Is this what's happening?

Stuart Wellington

[20:04] No, so I'm drinking this Modelo Chilada.

[20:06] So it's a word for Modelo.

[20:07] Yeah, kind of.

[20:09] Uh, I haven't had one of these in a while.

[20:11] I'm shocked at how much it tastes like a perfect synthesis of a cheap beer and, like, watered-down

[20:18] SpaghettiOs.

[20:20] So not an ad for Modelo?

[20:22] I mean, I don't know.

[20:23] That could be somebody's pleasure.

[20:25] Yeah, I should yuck on a yum.

[20:26] Yeah, don't yuck on a yum.

[20:27] I should yuck on a yum.

[20:28] Okay, so.

[20:30] But he is, he's playing, like, kind of, like, a little bit stuffy, like a button-down suburban

[20:35] dad.

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] He is, he's a very, he's a hen-pecked husband and a blue-balled husband.

Stuart Wellington

[20:41] In a way, it, a little bit, it feels like we're getting to see what Patrick Wilson thinks, like,

[20:48] Midwestern, like, suburban husbands are.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] Like, anyone who's not a, not an actor, not in the creative field, I guess, just like that.

Dan McCoy

[20:56] Yeah, it feels a little, I mean.

[20:57] I don't know why we're putting this on Patrick Wilson.

[20:59] I mean, it's clear.

[21:00] I mean, he knew what he did.

[21:01] The three writers.

[21:02] The writing, here's the thing.

[21:03] I want to say about the three writers.

[21:05] I want to just say one thing about the three writers.

[21:08] One of them has, like, 12 credits, none of them of note, but two of them have, like,

[21:14] one of them, their only other credit is a Facts of Life episode, and the other one, their

[21:18] only other credit is a Are You Afraid of the Dark episode.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] One, that's according to what, IMDb?

[21:23] IMDb.

[21:23] And it's not like IMDb is flawless.

[21:25] Two, they could be doing a ton of uncredited work behind the scenes.

[21:28] A lot of writers.

Dan McCoy

[21:30] Do you think after that one Facts of Life episode, he got a lot of script doctoring work?

Stuart Wellington

[21:34] Yeah, or maybe he went and drew backgrounds for Katsuhiro Otomo.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] Yeah, that's probably it.

[21:41] He did that one Facts of Life for Are You Afraid of the Dark, and he realized, this isn't for

[21:44] me.

[21:45] I better work in the studio of a manga great.

[21:50] What, Masamune Shiro is not hiring?

[21:52] All right, let's go to Katsuhiro Otomo.

Stuart Wellington

[21:54] I guess I won't draw little stylized, tiny versions of the characters like little cat

[21:59] face people.

[22:01] Oh man, I love that crap.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] So, I think the fact that they don't have a lot of credits on IMDb doesn't necessarily

[22:09] mean they haven't been working.

[22:10] But, that being said, the big faults in this movie are the writing, the directing, and the

[22:14] music.

[22:14] The acting is not such a huge problem.

Stuart Wellington

[22:16] Yeah, I would imagine, like, I'm blaming Patrick Wilson for a performance that I'm assuming

[22:20] is, like, the brainchild of the director.

[22:23] It is a big performance.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] Yeah, almost everything's a big performance.

[22:27] Everyone, all of it is big.

[22:28] But anyway, he hires this, he hires a pretty young lady to work in his store, and before

[22:33] he knows it, she is all over him, and they're doing it all over the store.

[22:38] Which kind of makes sense, because Patrick Wilson's like a handsome dude.

[22:41] There's a section where he's really getting into shape and exercising a lot, because he's

[22:46] been energized by this affair, and it's like, he still looked like he was in pretty fine

[22:50] shape.

[22:50] Like, the guy did not look like, I mean, maybe he was a little dad bodish, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[22:54] Yeah, but that's in now, dude, right?

[22:56] Mm-hmm.

[22:57] Right?

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] I mean, because of gendered on standards.

[23:01] But, yeah, he's a handsome guy who owns his own business.

Stuart Wellington

[23:04] Come on.

[23:05] Who owns his own business yet later in the movie has difficulty coming up with $6,000.

[23:10] I guess, liquid.

[23:11] Liquid.

[23:12] A lot of his assets are in the form of furniture stock right now.

[23:15] Oh, okay.

[23:16] And I don't know, like, Etsy coupons and...

[23:19] Yeah, I mean, you run a small...

[23:20] Yeah, so you can buy stuff on Etsy.

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] You run a small business.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] It's not like every dollar you make instantly goes in the bank.

[23:26] It's all tied up with Kickstarters.

[23:28] He's been backing and haven't been delivered yet.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] He's like, I'm just hoping they all go through, because I want those goodies that I'm promised,

[23:36] but I'm hoping they don't go through so I get the money.

[23:38] Yeah.

[23:39] So anyway...

[23:41] That's kind of how Kickstarter works.

[23:42] In a way.

[23:44] So he starts an affair, and then she comes to him and says, uh-oh, I'm Preggers.

[23:50] Oh, man.

[23:51] That's the worst.

[23:52] And he's like, what am I going to do?

[23:53] And he tries offering her money on the advice of his good friend slash employee, the Jim Belush.

[23:58] Mm-hmm.

[23:58] And he says, according to Jim, I should give you some money.

[24:01] Oh.

[24:02] He did it.

[24:03] Oh.

[24:03] You did not.

[24:04] You did not.

Stuart Wellington

[24:07] Stuart puts a pair of sunglasses on.

[24:09] Podcast over.

[24:10] Wait, really?

[24:12] We're packing it in, boys.

[24:13] We did it.

[24:14] We made the perfect joke.

[24:15] End the series.

[24:16] It's done.

[24:19] Because he says, you better take care of business.

[24:23] He was in a movie called Take Care of Business.

[24:24] Oh, okay.

[24:25] What was that joke?

[24:25] If you're a real man.

Elliott Kalan

[24:29] What was the show he did with Michael Keaton a long time ago?

Dan McCoy

[24:32] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[24:33] Working Stiffs.

[24:34] Was that it?

[24:35] Yeah.

[24:36] Well, he said a canine.

Stuart Wellington

[24:38] Oh, weird.

[24:39] Yeah.

[24:39] Just a random letter and number combination.

[24:42] Doesn't mean anything.

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] Doesn't mean a thing.

[24:45] He goes, hey, buddy, I got one.

[24:47] Here's what you need to do.

[24:48] Blues Brothers 2000.

[24:50] She is offended, but she'll take the money.

[24:54] And it's pretty obvious from the moment she starts coming on to him.

[24:59] Curly Sue.

[25:00] You're right.

[25:01] You got another Belush credit.

[25:01] That's another Belush.

[25:03] You got it.

[25:04] From the moment that she starts coming on to him, it is clear.

[25:07] Deep edge of great movies.

[25:10] It is clear that she is setting him up for blackmail.

[25:13] That's the only possible explanation.

[25:15] Except that he's kind of a handsome guy.

[25:17] And it turns out she is.

[25:18] She's girlfriend to a real sleazy guy played by the director, right, of the movie?

[25:24] Is that what you said?

Stuart Wellington

[25:25] No, one of the producers.

[25:27] My mistake.

[25:27] One of the producers.

Elliott Kalan

[25:28] I think it was.

[25:28] Hold on a second.

Stuart Wellington

[25:29] But the, so the idea of, of this woman coming on to him.

[25:34] Oh, you're right.

[25:35] And he throws himself into this new relationship.

[25:37] And, you know, I could have, once again, I think, I think this performance could have been pulled off by somebody less handsome like Patrick Wilson.

[25:46] Like, perhaps if they put a slightly more schlubby guy in this role.

[25:51] Or if they'd taken some time to have this guy question, like, spend a little more time questioning how this relationship started up.

[25:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] Or just.

[25:59] Because it's literally, well, he, at one night, he masturbates to a picture of her and falls asleep in his office.

[26:05] Mm-hmm.

[26:05] After, after missing out on a handjob because his wife said, his wife says, how about a handjob?

[26:09] And he takes his pants off and she goes, no, I'll schedule it for later.

[26:13] Which, I mean, I think legally.

[26:15] That's entrapment.

[26:16] Yeah.

[26:16] That's what that is.

[26:18] If someone walks up to you and says, how about a handjob?

[26:20] And you start taking your pants off and they go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dan McCoy

[26:23] What gave you the idea that you should remove your pants?

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] I mean, at that point, you've got a pretty good case, I guess, for your lawsuit.

[26:29] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[26:30] He says, well, you told me about the handjob and you're holding a DVD copy of Entrapment,

[26:35] so.

[26:36] I'm taking you to sex court.

[26:37] Mm-hmm.

[26:38] That's Dan's late night Showtime show?

[26:41] Yeah.

[26:41] And it was a real, that was like a Playboy Channel show.

[26:43] Oh, it was on the Playboy Channel?

[26:45] I think so.

[26:46] Oh, Peak TV, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] Peak TV.

[26:49] Yeah.

[26:51] That was the biggest, that was when people really knew, Peak TV and Hit, when Playboy started

[26:56] investing in original programming.

[27:00] Anyway, I never, that's one of those shows that I never actually saw.

[27:04] Sex court?

[27:04] But I've heard of it.

[27:05] But I've never, like, I didn't get to the Playboy Channel as a kid.

[27:08] Does it, I don't know if it still exists anymore.

[27:10] So, like, I've never actually seen it.

[27:11] Maybe, can you give it a hulu?

[27:12] So are they adjudicating sex or are they sentencing people to sex?

Dan McCoy

[27:16] I haven't seen the show.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] I think one of them is less creepy.

[27:20] I'm trying to figure out which is the less creepy one.

[27:23] I mean, it's possible that, it's possible I misread it and it was like Essex County Court

[27:27] or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[27:28] It would be an odd choice for the Playboy Channel.

Elliott Kalan

[27:30] Maybe the Playboy Channel was trying to get into original New Jersey-based dramas.

[27:35] Yeah.

[27:35] Hmm.

[27:36] I mean, there was a night court.

[27:38] Yeah.

[27:38] What happens at night?

[27:39] Sex.

Dan McCoy

[27:40] Well, that, I mean, they had a bunch of prostitutes in night court.

[27:43] They're always bringing in people who are clearly, like, coded to be prostitutes, which is

[27:47] something I didn't understand as a child.

[27:49] And as a kid, I was like, are they shoplifters?

Stuart Wellington

[27:51] Nothing's open.

[27:52] And I was like, wow, Dan Fielding has a lot of girlfriends.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] Yeah.

[27:55] I mean, the concept of a night court was also something I didn't get as, like, I didn't

[27:58] know that was a thing as a kid.

[28:00] So I kind of filled in the backstory that this was like an experiment in the law where they're

[28:04] going to have a court open at night and see what kind of crazy things might happen.

[28:08] I was not, there was no part of me that was like, oh yeah, people get arrested at night

[28:11] and they need to book them pretty quickly.

[28:13] But anyway, back to the movie.

[28:16] So she's.

[28:16] So why does the judge do magic?

[28:19] That's something that Harry Anderson brought to the character.

[28:22] I don't think, well, the show was not originally called Magic Judge.

[28:27] Although, that's a pretty good idea for a show.

[28:31] Starring.

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] Judge Reinhold.

[28:36] That joke's been made before.

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] Yes, on Arrested Development.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] But what if he was given magic powers?

[28:41] And he wasn't a judge at all.

[28:43] Well, I mean, technically he is, because that's his name.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] What if it's called Magic Judge?

[28:46] Except it's Magic Mike with Judge Reinhold.

[28:49] Okay.

[28:50] Hey, listen in.

[28:51] Okay.

[28:52] So, Patrick Wilson, he falls asleep after masturbating to a picture of his employee.

[28:56] And he's woken up by her licking his face.

[28:58] And it's at that moment that you know, okay, like there's some, something's up.

Dan McCoy

[29:02] A scene that was so overt and it's like, and her come on that I was like, okay, he's still

[29:07] dreaming.

[29:08] He's still dreaming.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] This is a movie that doesn't really grasp subtlety.

[29:13] It's not trying for subtlety and it doesn't get it.

[29:16] They have an affair.

[29:17] She blackmails him.

[29:18] He tries to pay her off.

[29:19] It doesn't work.

[29:20] Then she blackmails him more and he admits everything to Katherine Heigl.

[29:25] And she says, what?

[29:26] You got this woman pregnant?

[29:28] Then you have to murder her.

[29:30] And so he...

[29:31] To protect their perfect life.

[29:33] Because their life is perfect.

[29:34] And that scene is a tour de force.

Stuart Wellington

[29:37] We have a real like Lady Macbeth, Richard III turn here.

Elliott Kalan

[29:40] In that we were forced to watch it by Dan.

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:44] This is the conversation we had at the beginning.

[29:46] Dan says, here are our options.

[29:47] I was cackling.

[29:48] I had you shamed to the wall and whipping you.

[29:50] He said, the last witch finder.

[29:52] And I said, okay, that could be good.

[29:54] Or this movie, Home Sweet Hell.

[29:56] It's different.

[29:56] It's not an action movie.

[29:57] So maybe we'd try that.

[29:58] And Stuart and I, being morons, said, okay, whatever.

[30:01] That sounds good to us.

[30:02] Let's go with the movie we've never heard of that Katherine Heigl's in.

[30:05] That I think maybe we made to prank us.

[30:08] And that's what we watched.

[30:09] And it was terrible.

[30:10] Anyway, they grind up their kid's medication, I think.

[30:13] And give so much of it to her that she isn't killed.

[30:16] But she is, I guess, it hurts her bad.

[30:20] And she's barfing up green stuff.

[30:21] She's barfing up everywhere.

[30:22] They bring her home.

[30:23] And Katherine Heigl beats her to death with a hammer.

[30:26] Then takes off her clothes and Katherine Heigl takes off her dress.

[30:30] And then uses like a saw to cut her body up.

[30:34] Yep.

[30:34] Eastern Promises style.

[30:36] And she is, because she is.

Stuart Wellington

[30:38] In a scene, like many scenes in this movie, where the soundtrack swells.

[30:44] And we are delivered a crescendo of B-grade music.

Elliott Kalan

[30:49] Every scene in this movie, they're like, this isn't funny.

[30:53] But if we either play a pop song really loud, or we really put music in like this.

[30:57] Do-do-do-do.

[30:58] Do-do-do-do-do.

[31:00] Boing.

[31:00] Do-do-do-do-do.

Dan McCoy

[31:01] That makes it funny, right?

[31:02] The other make the pools of blood around Katherine Heigl's ankles funny.

Stuart Wellington

[31:06] And so here's, so.

[31:07] And the IMDb trivia claims that the music was provided by Katherine Heigl's husband.

[31:14] Which, I don't know, guys.

[31:15] Friedrich Heigl.

[31:16] I guess us making fun of her husband.

[31:18] She might come after us and be like, coming after me is fair game.

[31:21] Not coming after my husband.

[31:23] The flop house is dead.

[31:25] Yeah, he didn't ask for this.

[31:27] He's a civilian.

[31:27] What was Heigl's first name?

[31:28] He's going to have ball peen ham rest today.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] Uh-huh.

[31:32] Because it was based on her real life.

[31:34] Yep.

[31:35] Yeah, originally it was called Home Sweet Heigl.

[31:38] And she said, uh, can we draw a little bit less attention to the fact that I'm a murderer in real life?

[31:42] And they're like, why?

[31:44] Because I'll murder you if you don't?

[31:46] Yeah, sorry.

[31:47] Sorry, Kat.

[31:48] Okay.

[31:49] So they.

[31:49] Not really familiar.

[31:51] I mean, they've been working together for a while.

[31:52] Yeah.

[31:52] They dismember the body.

[31:54] And then her boyfriend starts threatening Patrick Wilson.

[31:58] And so Katherine Heigl's like, I guess we've got to kill more people.

[32:02] They go to a strip club.

[32:04] He goes to a strip club and he's forced to take meth in a real training day moment.

[32:08] Which has no payoff.

[32:09] Go anywhere.

[32:10] He just.

[32:10] Here's the payoff to him taking meth is that he goes outside and the sun feels too bright in his eyes.

[32:16] I don't.

[32:17] I mean, I was like, are you on drugs?

Dan McCoy

[32:19] And he's like, yeah, I took meth.

[32:21] And like, that's it.

[32:22] Yeah.

[32:22] That's the whole thing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:22] I think the scene specifically goes, he says, I took crystal meth.

[32:28] And she said, the drug?

[32:30] Yeah.

[32:31] Stuart laughed then because that's funny.

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:33] And then that's it.

[32:34] At no point do they say kids don't do that.

[32:37] So I guess all the kids that rush out and see Home Sweet Hell are all going to become crystal meth.

Dan McCoy

[32:42] I mean, like there should be a scene in the movie where he's forced to do something normal while on meth, right?

[32:49] Like he has.

Elliott Kalan

[32:49] That would be the kind of joke payoff to that setup.

[32:52] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[32:52] There's like a big like one day sale at his furniture thing that he has to be there.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] That would have been great.

[32:58] Or it's parent teacher conference day.

[33:00] And he's got to sit through the conference while he's tweaking or whatever meth heads do.

[33:05] Teeth falling out of his mouth.

[33:06] Yeah.

[33:07] Teeth are falling out.

[33:09] And he's.

[33:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:09] Signing a lease on a new track like trailer park home or something.

Elliott Kalan

[33:14] He can't afford that loan.

[33:15] He's going to default on it.

[33:17] And there goes the economy.

[33:18] Thanks, Patrick Wilson.

[33:21] Blame the crystal meth.

[33:22] And so that's when.

Stuart Wellington

[33:24] So there's a scene in a strip club.

[33:25] Of course, there's nudity.

[33:26] So our attention was wrapped.

Elliott Kalan

[33:29] Well, the funny thing about this movie was every time there was nudity, it happened while Dan was looking at his phone.

[33:34] And so he would look up just at the last brief frames of nude women.

[33:39] It was like it was like one of those old like comedy sketches from the Benny Hill show or something where a dirty old man is trying to catch girls changing and just keeps missing them.

[33:48] And it's funny because back then it was OK to do stuff like that, I guess.

[33:53] Creepy asshole.

[33:54] Back then the audience was supposed to sympathize with this creepy perv.

Stuart Wellington

[33:59] Yeah.

[34:00] They're like, oh, he is like a Tantalus.

[34:05] Always desire a drink of that sweet naked teen girl.

[34:09] I'm guessing.

[34:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:09] That was when Benny Hill's classics education really, really came through.

[34:14] Oh, all those people are chasing Benny at the end, but he can't turn around or else they'll disappear like Orpheus and Eurydice.

[34:26] So, Dan, so you missed some of the nudity.

[34:29] There's a strip club, et cetera.

Stuart Wellington

[34:30] But in the strip club, there's a great moment where one of the goons who – they're just hanging out.

[34:35] They are in a fucking strip club in the middle of the afternoon and it is slamming.

[34:40] It is packed and it is jumping.

[34:41] I want to see the story about the proprietors of this place who are running this super successful strip club that apparently let goons just flash pistols whenever they want.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] They're just waving guns around and doing meth.

[34:54] And doing crystal meth.

[34:55] Right in the open.

[34:55] That's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[34:56] There were a bunch of lap dance coupons in the supermarket circular that week.

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] Now, Stuart posited that these guys felt comfortable waving their guns around and doing meth because they owned the establishment.

[35:08] And yet, I submit to you, the jury in sex court, if they were the proprietors of this successful strip club, and I submit to you, it is the middle of the day.

[35:20] The place is no fewer than six or seven dancers are roaming the floors, let alone the stage performers.

[35:28] There are enough people to support all of that.

[35:31] This is perhaps the most successful strip club in that side of the country.

[35:35] Why would they be blackmailing someone?

[35:35] Easily the county.

[35:37] Easily the county, for sure.

[35:38] Why would they, unless it's like Portland, the city that has more strip clubs than any other in America, I guess per capita.

[35:45] Why would they be blackmailing this man for a mere $20,000?

[35:49] I submit to you.

[35:50] I rest my case.

Stuart Wellington

[35:52] So, yeah, I'm probably wrong.

[35:54] I don't think they own the place.

[35:56] No.

Dan McCoy

[35:56] But in your home sweet health fan fiction, they do.

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] Oh, yeah.

[36:00] I mean, it's all about Murray.

[36:03] Well, the home sweet.

[36:04] And Murphy.

[36:04] I don't remember their names.

[36:06] Scottish guy.

[36:08] Well, these are guys who live in what appears to be a squalid trailer, tractor trailer.

[36:14] What do they call it?

[36:15] Fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[36:16] It's one of those prefab houses.

[36:18] It wasn't a motor home, right?

[36:20] No, I guess you're right.

[36:20] It was one of those prefab towable houses.

[36:23] It's not the tiny house lifestyle.

Stuart Wellington

[36:25] Which is an ethical thing.

[36:27] Their fridge is very well stocked with beer and frozen dinners.

[36:30] Frozen dinners.

Dan McCoy

[36:31] And they've got a freezer that's big enough to hold a Jordana Brewster in it.

[36:35] When she's been cut off.

Stuart Wellington

[36:35] Well, certainly her head and probably some other parts.

[36:38] Actually, I think it's just the head.

Dan McCoy

[36:39] It's a head and a leg and an arm.

[36:42] I mean, that's a lot of Jordana Brewster to fit in a room.

[36:44] That's a lot of meat.

Elliott Kalan

[36:45] What is she?

[36:46] She Green Lantern's girlfriend?

[36:47] She's all fitting in that fridge?

[36:48] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[36:50] And they also own a fucking gun rack that has not one, but two katana blades.

[36:57] I think it may have had three katanas on it.

[36:59] That's crazy.

[37:00] Only one of which is used, which means somebody, I think this whole movie was used just as a

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] ploy for somebody to get two katanas.

[37:07] Paid for by the company that wasn't used on screen.

[37:10] That's still mint condition, dude.

[37:11] Go use it to fight like an ancient demon.

[37:13] Go use it to fight an Onibaba or something.

[37:16] That's why.

Stuart Wellington

[37:16] Only one of those is going to the local planet Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] The other one, take it and track down a little plaque that says Home Sweet Hell underneath it.

[37:25] Track down a Karoneko with that thing.

[37:27] Why not?

[37:27] It's never been used.

[37:30] So Katherine Heigl goes to plant some evidence in the home of these guys who are now blackmailing

[37:36] them.

Dan McCoy

[37:36] And by evidence, you mean Jordana Brewster.

[37:39] Jordana Brewster.

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] And this is the threat.

[37:41] Like, this movie, it's just like, so the threat that the bad guys give to Patrick Wilson,

[37:46] they say, hey, you know your wife?

[37:48] If you don't give us $20,000, we're going to rape her.

[37:52] Then her daughter.

[37:53] Then your son.

[37:54] And then you.

[37:55] That's the threat.

[37:56] And it's like, you could have just said, we'll kill your family.

[38:00] Or just said, something bad's going to happen.

[38:02] Like, that's an image I don't want.

Stuart Wellington

[38:04] It felt like the stakes were raised a little too high.

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] There's a reason I didn't watch, what's it called?

[38:08] A Georgian film?

[38:10] Whatever.

[38:10] A Serbian film.

[38:11] A Serbian film.

[38:12] There's a reason.

[38:13] I apologize.

[38:14] Let's see.

[38:15] Georgia.

[38:16] There's a reason I didn't watch that movie.

[38:17] It's because I don't want those things in my head.

[38:19] So you hit that mistake.

Stuart Wellington

[38:20] Yeah, if it was a Georgian film, it would be a bunch of guys sitting around eating Hachapuri,

[38:24] drinking wine, just fucking chilling, dude.

[38:27] Yeah.

[38:30] And why wouldn't you want to watch that?

[38:32] That sounds awesome.

[38:33] I mean, I want to join them.

[38:34] It's delicious.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] It's like stirring a whole lump of butter into your.

[38:38] Hell yeah, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[38:38] Yeah, just mix up egg and cheese and butter in a bread boat.

Stuart Wellington

[38:41] I think I got a pitch for my screenplay, Big Night 2.

[38:45] It's Georgian this time.

[38:46] A Georgian film.

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] It's Georgian.

[38:50] Big Night 2 is Georgian this time.

[38:52] Look, as long as there's ethnic food types, we can keep pumping out these sequels.

[38:55] Hell yeah, dude.

[38:57] And then Big Night 7.

[38:59] Uh-oh, Italy again.

[39:00] Oh, man.

[39:02] That fucking thing.

[39:05] Uh-oh, time for Dan's hot take on Big Night.

Dan McCoy

[39:08] Or on Italian food?

[39:10] No.

[39:10] Or on Georgian food?

[39:11] What's the name of the thing that we're talking about?

[39:13] The Hachapuri.

[39:14] Is that what it is?

Stuart Wellington

[39:15] Is it Hachapuri or Kachapuri?

[39:17] I think it depends on.

[39:18] I guess, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:19] That feels like a food I would have invented back when I was a chubby kid.

[39:23] Yeah, well, you didn't do the Georgian beach.

[39:25] No, but it's just like, I'm just going to take a bread.

Stuart Wellington

[39:29] So I got a football of bread.

[39:30] I've got a couple eggs.

Dan McCoy

[39:32] I'm just going to take a whole stick of butter.

[39:34] And here, let's bring in the cheese.

[39:36] No, let's get it in.

[39:36] We're just going to swirl that shit around.

Elliott Kalan

[39:38] And what else should I put in it?

[39:40] Nothing.

[39:41] No, this is it.

[39:42] This is heaven on a stick.

[39:43] You know what I hate about pizza?

[39:48] All the sauce and no butter and no egg?

[39:52] So I corrected it with my new thing.

[39:54] I call it Dan Pizza.

Dan McCoy

[39:58] Yeah, and then a Georgian comes in and slaps me in the face.

[40:01] You didn't invent this.

[40:02] And on my big night.

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] Yeah, he serves you papers for intellectual property theft.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] Here's how he would do it.

[40:09] He would stumble over.

[40:10] He'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[40:13] And you'd go to catch him to help him because you're a good citizen.

[40:15] He'd be like, thanks, buddy.

[40:16] I just got to say in return, you've been served.

[40:19] And then you've been served.

[40:20] And then he'd just walk away.

Stuart Wellington

[40:21] And then he slips out of the trench coat he was wearing that you were holding.

[40:24] And you're like, what?

[40:25] And he's just three little kids.

[40:30] They jump on their skateboards and ride off.

[40:32] End of the movie, dude.

[40:32] In different directions.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] So you don't know who to chase.

[40:34] So instead you slip on a banana peel and go, oh, rats.

[40:37] And then a rain cloud appears just above you and starts raining on you.

[40:40] All because I was trying to invent a food.

[40:43] That'll show you, don't try to achieve your dreams.

[40:46] No.

[40:46] Speaking of trying to achieve her dreams, because she has a whole book of goals and dreams

[40:49] that she's working towards.

[40:51] The Heig's.

[40:51] Katherine Heigl.

[40:52] So she goes to plant the body.

[40:54] The Scottish guy walks in with his stripper, Conquest of the Night, who starts posing topless

[41:00] with a katana blade for no reason.

[41:02] I guess you don't need a reason to do that.

Stuart Wellington

[41:03] And Katherine Heigl's character follows that first rule of improv, dude.

[41:06] She just goes with it.

[41:08] Yeah.

[41:08] She doesn't think twice.

[41:09] Yeah, yes and.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] She walks out, stabs them both, kills the woman with a katana blade.

[41:15] The police come, and then they call the police and say, oh, there's some bad news going

[41:18] on here when the other folks arrive, I guess.

[41:22] Yeah.

[41:22] But one guy, there's two bad guys left.

[41:25] One of them is killed by the police.

[41:26] The other one escapes by crawling out into the house.

[41:28] Is the music blaring on the soundtrack at this point?

[41:31] You bet it is, because what you're watching is fucking funny.

[41:34] Yeah.

[41:34] But if the music wasn't super loud, you might be like, oh, this is kind of a grimy, unpleasant

[41:39] crime movie.

[41:40] Oh, but the music's really loud, so it's probably funny.

Dan McCoy

[41:42] I should take a shower, because I'm never going to feel clean again.

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] Probably not.

[41:46] No.

[41:47] There's also, there's a moment where Patrick Wilson kind of breaks through Katherine Heigl's

[41:52] cold exterior.

[41:53] Yeah, he's like, what made you so cold?

[41:55] And she begins to break down and hint that her parents abused her, before regaining her

[42:01] composure and threatening, and saying, in the one funny line in the movie, if you ever

[42:05] talk to me like that again, she goes, I'll end you, I'll take one of the knives in my bedside

[42:09] table, and I'll whatever.

[42:11] But it's like, it was the idea that she keeps knives in her bedside table.

Stuart Wellington

[42:13] I think there's more than one funny line in the movie, but yes, that was a funny line

[42:17] that is then ruined by spending too much time with it.

Dan McCoy

[42:20] I was amused by how happy she seemed to be by the idea of hitting Jordana Brewster with

[42:26] a hammer.

[42:26] Like, as soon as she realized that she was going to have to kill this woman, she suddenly perked

[42:31] up, and her performance was kind of funny in that moment.

[42:34] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] And I mean, Jim Belushi's hilarious.

[42:37] He's a pro.

[42:38] Oh my god.

[42:38] He's a pro.

Stuart Wellington

[42:40] He sells every line.

Elliott Kalan

[42:41] Turns it on like a switch.

[42:43] And so by this point, Patrick Wilson has begun to realize this wife's a little crazy.

[42:48] And at their son's birthday party, where he witnesses her browbeating their son over his

[42:55] inability to hit a pinata, and then she starts just insulting everybody at the party and being

[43:00] really mean to them.

[43:02] And he learns that she's taken...

Dan McCoy

[43:03] She tells someone that she's glad that she has Crohn's disease and hopes that she shits

[43:07] herself to death.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:08] She says, and this is not really triggered by much of anything.

[43:11] It's just the movie is running out of time.

[43:13] They need to make her as bad as possible.

[43:15] So that when Patrick Wilson sets up a death trap in his garage...

[43:18] And it's also revealed that she killed their neighbor's dog and stuffed it in their freezer.

[43:22] So when Patrick Wilson...

[43:23] I love that you say that as an aside.

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] It was really as an aside in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] Yeah.

[43:28] Usually that's an indication that a villain totally has to die.

[43:31] And so when he's...

[43:32] We don't feel as bad, I guess, when he rigs a death trap in his house at his son's birthday

[43:38] party to murder his wife.

[43:39] And she dies in an explosion.

[43:41] And I'll never forget Stuart's immortal words before the explosion.

[43:45] I'm ready for some really bad special effects.

[43:47] Or I hope that we see some really bad special effects.

[43:50] And then we did.

[43:51] Some very bad flame effects coming out of the windows.

[43:54] And everything.

[43:56] And then, you know, we fade out.

[43:58] We fade back.

[43:59] Patrick Wilson's now in a bigger house.

[44:01] He and his kids are really happy.

[44:02] It looks like their problem's been solved.

[44:04] They drive off in the minivan.

[44:05] Oh!

[44:06] The evil boyfriend from before follows them on motorcycle.

[44:10] Cut to credits.

[44:11] And over the credits, we hear gunshots and glass breaking.

[44:14] And the screams of children.

Dan McCoy

[44:17] So, like, I guess that's the final gag.

[44:20] Every comedy ends on the screams of children.

Stuart Wellington

[44:23] We get up out of our theater seats, dust the popcorn crumbs off our laps,

[44:28] chuckle at our friends, and then walk home.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] We silently walk to our cars, drive home in silence.

Stuart Wellington

[44:36] Oh, no.

[44:37] You leave the theater, you're like, uh, what did you think?

[44:41] Oh, I don't want to say, well, other people who just saw the thing I saw

[44:45] are walking near me.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] I kind of don't feel comfortable being loud about my opinions right now.

[44:51] Why does that instinct kick in?

[44:52] I have that.

[44:53] We're like, I'll see a movie with my wife, and my wife will go,

[44:55] well, what do you think?

[44:55] And I'll be like, let's talk about it outside.

[44:57] Like, I don't want the other people in the theater to hear my opinions.

Stuart Wellington

[44:59] Yeah, it's really weird.

[45:00] And even if it's something I like, I'm like, I don't want to reveal

[45:04] these fucking weirdos I'd never have seen before.

[45:07] Patrick Wilson might be in the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] It reminds me when I went to see, I think it was Adaptation in the theaters,

[45:13] and there was an old man sitting across the aisle, and when the movie ended,

[45:16] he turned to me, and he goes, so what did you think?

[45:19] Did you think that was so good?

[45:21] I didn't think so.

[45:22] And you were like, me from the future?

Stuart Wellington

[45:24] What are you doing here?

Elliott Kalan

[45:25] Is there a warning you have for me?

[45:27] I got you.

[45:27] We need to save your kids.

[45:29] Let's go back to the future.

[45:31] The movie.

[45:33] And I was like, I don't know.

[45:35] I'm going to have to think about it.

[45:36] He was like, you don't know?

[45:38] You must.

[45:39] You just saw it.

[45:39] And I was like, and I wanted to be, I was basically telling him, like,

[45:42] I don't really want to talk to you.

[45:43] And he goes, and gets him away.

[45:47] He's like, sorry, dude.

[45:48] This isn't New York 70s cinema culture where you can just finish.

[45:52] When the latest Agnes Varda film stops, you can just turn to your seatmate

[45:56] and ask him and create a community of cineasts who discuss it.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] He was trying to start his new TV review show, Old Man and Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[46:04] Well, if I knew that was the case, I would have done it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:07] Teach me your old man ways, old man.

[46:10] When I saw Adaptation, that was one of the few times I've been to movies

[46:13] where the pictures.

[46:16] Really?

[46:16] I thought you'd seen a lot of movies.

[46:18] I know.

[46:18] I've only been a couple times.

[46:20] And the screen shifted.

[46:23] So the top of the screen, the image, was at the bottom of the screen.

[46:27] And the bottom of the image was at the top.

[46:30] And kind of because of the movie, I'm like, whoa, this is a really interesting choice.

[46:36] Is this supposed to happen?

[46:37] For about 10 minutes.

[46:38] And then I'm like, I should probably go tell the projectionist.

Elliott Kalan

[46:43] It's like there's a movie, there's a really fun movie called Azumi.

[46:46] That's a Japanese movie about a teenage swordswoman.

[46:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[46:51] And there's a part, I remember seeing it at the New York Asian Film Festival.

[46:55] It's like Wowsy with Ninjas, right?

[46:57] Yeah.

[46:58] And there's basically.

[47:00] Wowsy with Ninjas.

[47:01] There was a part where they.

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] That's also my review for Scorsese's Silence.

Elliott Kalan

[47:07] The projectionist screwed up for a couple seconds and shifted the image down too far.

[47:12] Like maybe they're having sex in the booth and they hit the projection equipment.

[47:17] And the part that should have been masked was not.

[47:21] And the boom mic and the reflectors that were being held by the crew in the scene were very visible.

[47:27] And it was like, hey, come on, projectionist.

[47:30] You got to give this.

[47:30] You got to work with this movie.

[47:32] Because clearly they thought you were going to be covering this up.

[47:34] They left it in the frame.

Stuart Wellington

[47:35] So that's.

[47:36] That is the type.

[47:37] Who.

[47:38] One of the McElroys had that same experience.

[47:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:40] Travis saw Night at the Museum.

Stuart Wellington

[47:43] And I've never.

[47:44] That seems crazy.

[47:45] I've never seen.

[47:47] But that stuff happens.

[47:47] Because a lot of times.

[47:48] But that doesn't sound like something that could happen.

Elliott Kalan

[47:50] It's happened to me.

[47:51] It could happen to you.

[47:52] Starring Nicolas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[47:53] So wait.

[47:54] On every movie.

[47:56] Like if I.

[47:57] For instance.

[47:58] If I had like a really tall screen on my TV.

[48:00] Would I see all that shit?

[48:02] Not on your TV.

[48:04] No.

[48:05] Okay.

[48:06] But wait.

[48:06] I'm trying to.

[48:07] But if I took a.

[48:09] If I took a.

[48:11] A film print.

Elliott Kalan

[48:13] If you had like a.

[48:14] Like a.

[48:14] Just a.

[48:15] Just a film print.

Stuart Wellington

[48:16] And I just like.

[48:17] Played it on.

[48:18] Like a brick wall.

[48:19] For my cool 80s.

[48:21] Like party that I'm throwing.

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] Depending on the movie.

[48:23] Yeah.

[48:23] You might have some of that.

[48:24] Oh wow.

[48:24] Okay.

[48:24] To bring it back.

Dan McCoy

[48:25] To pervizoidness.

[48:27] There were a lot of movies where.

Elliott Kalan

[48:29] Were we ever talking about that?

[48:31] Did they make that Benny Hill run from a while back?

Dan McCoy

[48:33] There were a lot of movies where.

[48:35] There was nudity.

[48:37] In the home video release.

[48:38] That was never shown.

[48:40] In the film release.

[48:41] Because they had masked.

[48:42] The top and bottom.

[48:44] But when it was a.

[48:45] A pan scan.

[48:46] It was a square frame.

[48:48] And so stuff at the top and bottom.

[48:50] Was revealed.

[48:50] So like what movie?

[48:51] Give me one.

[48:52] Uh.

[48:53] Well.

[48:54] The most recent one.

[48:56] And this actually.

[48:57] Uh.

[48:57] This actually.

[48:58] The rescuers down under.

[48:59] This actually came up on.

[49:01] Uh.

[49:02] On the very same.

[49:03] Uh.

[49:03] Episode of my brother.

[49:04] My brother and me.

[49:05] But that happened in the breakup.

[49:06] With uh.

[49:07] Jennifer Aniston.

[49:08] Like her butt was not supposed to be shown.

[49:11] Like in the masking of the screen.

[49:12] But like if you saw the.

[49:14] The.

[49:15] The pillar box version.

[49:17] With the taller.

[49:18] Uh.

[49:18] Oh.

[49:19] Oh.

[49:19] Interesting.

[49:19] Yeah.

[49:20] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] Not interesting.

[49:21] But.

[49:22] It happened.

[49:22] I guess.

[49:23] It's a thing that happened.

[49:25] That's history.

[49:26] Uh.

[49:26] Yeah.

[49:27] That's.

[49:27] So.

[49:28] Uh.

[49:29] We end with.

[49:30] That was my moment.

[49:31] In nude history.

[49:33] That was your moment.

[49:34] I feel like every episode.

[49:36] You have several moments.

Dan McCoy

[49:40] Look.

[49:41] This is the oral tradition.

[49:43] Whoa.

[49:44] Heyo.

[49:44] If I don't.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] If I don't tell these tales.

[49:47] They're going to be lost to time.

[49:50] And then future generations won't know.

[49:52] Dan's like a traveling bard character now.

[49:54] No one other butts exists.

[49:56] So.

[49:57] I imagine.

[49:57] I figured out how your Patreon works.

[49:59] I think.

[50:00] I figured out what you're going to do when society collapses.

[50:02] Is you're like a traveling storyteller shaman.

[50:05] Who goes from tribe to tribe.

[50:06] And tells stories of butts of yore.

Stuart Wellington

[50:09] Yeah.

[50:09] Handing out like tiny little hand drawn Tijuana Bibles.

Elliott Kalan

[50:13] I said no.

[50:14] But then they'll just call them Bibles.

[50:16] Because this is the new religion that Dan is instituting.

Stuart Wellington

[50:19] Ah.

[50:20] Okay.

[50:21] Kind of like.

[50:22] Blood of Heroes starring.

[50:23] Or Slew to the Jugger.

[50:25] Depending on what country you're in.

[50:26] Starring Roker Howard and Joan Chen.

[50:28] So Dan.

[50:29] You liked this movie right?

Dan McCoy

[50:31] No.

[50:31] I didn't.

[50:31] Let's go to final judgments.

[50:33] Whether this is a good bad movie.

[50:35] A bad bad movie.

[50:35] Or a movie you kind of liked.

[50:37] I did not like this movie.

[50:39] It's.

[50:40] Baffling.

[50:41] It's a baffling movie.

[50:42] You wonder.

[50:42] While you're watching it.

Elliott Kalan

[50:43] Who it's for.

[50:44] Who.

[50:44] Why did anyone make this?

[50:45] Why did anyone think of it?

[50:47] Who is it for?

[50:48] How did it get.

[50:48] How did this get made?

[50:49] Has anyone ever asked that question before?

[50:51] Nope.

[50:51] We hate movies.

[50:53] Film.

[50:54] Flop house.

[50:54] Something.

[50:56] It's.

[50:57] Like.

[50:57] This is maybe.

[50:58] Maybe.

[50:59] My least favorite of every movie I've seen for this podcast.

Dan McCoy

[51:02] Wow.

[51:03] Maybe.

[51:04] I can't go that far.

[51:05] Because it didn't bore me the way that like.

[51:07] And there's like a shitload of nudity in comparison.

Elliott Kalan

[51:10] That's.

[51:11] There was a lot of nudity.

[51:11] We are so gross this episode.

[51:13] No.

[51:13] I'm saying for you.

[51:15] Yeah.

[51:15] But are you gross?

[51:16] Okay.

[51:17] The actor.

[51:18] I don't think we're being.

[51:19] We're no more.

[51:20] We're less gross than we usually are.

[51:22] I would say.

[51:22] I feel bad about it.

[51:23] I think I found this movie.

[51:24] It wasn't as boring.

[51:26] And it did have boobs in it.

[51:28] Okay.

[51:28] But.

[51:29] I found it to be so.

[51:30] Put it on the fucking DVD box.

Stuart Wellington

[51:32] It wasn't as boring.

[51:33] No.

[51:34] It's because the.

[51:34] The box is fucked up dude.

[51:36] The box's tagline is.

[51:39] Psycho wife.

[51:40] Unhappy life.

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] Oh.

[51:42] That's awful.

[51:42] Like.

Stuart Wellington

[51:43] What the fuck?

[51:44] I feel like Katherine Heigl is.

[51:46] Like.

[51:47] Couldn't have agreed to that.

Elliott Kalan

[51:48] No.

[51:48] And that.

[51:48] That typifies this movie.

[51:50] Which is like.

[51:51] It is.

[51:51] It thinks that it is a.

[51:53] Witty.

[51:53] Dark comedy.

[51:54] But it is actually like.

[51:56] The most retrograde.

[51:58] Like.

[51:59] Shit.

[52:00] Like.

[52:01] Misogynist view of women.

[52:02] As like.

[52:03] Shrews.

[52:04] And ball busters.

[52:05] Or.

[52:05] They're out to get money from you.

[52:07] With their.

[52:08] I was with their dicks.

[52:08] They don't know.

Dan McCoy

[52:09] Their dicks.

[52:09] By the way.

[52:11] They have dicks.

[52:12] They're just.

[52:12] They're just out.

[52:13] They didn't tell you.

Elliott Kalan

[52:13] They're just out to grab you by the dick.

[52:15] And either control you.

[52:16] Or take your money.

[52:17] Dudes.

[52:18] What are you going to do?

[52:18] I guess we just have to murder them eventually.

Stuart Wellington

[52:20] You're just trying to run a successful business.

[52:23] With your pal Jim Belushi.

Elliott Kalan

[52:24] Yeah.

[52:24] Like.

[52:25] This was.

[52:26] This movie reminded me of.

[52:28] There was a time when me.

[52:29] And.

[52:30] My office made it a daily show for a while.

[52:31] Mr. Sam means.

[52:32] We're collecting.

[52:33] We're ordering and collecting old joke books.

[52:35] To laugh at how crappy the jokes were.

[52:38] And there was one that he got.

[52:39] We would just buy them from eBay.

[52:40] And we didn't really know it was in them.

[52:41] And then we got a cursed joke book.

[52:43] And all of our jokes curdled.

[52:45] What happened was.

[52:46] We had to take it to an abandoned carnival ground.

[52:49] And so it could do its final business.

[52:52] But we.

[52:53] One arrived that was like.

[52:55] That was all like.

[52:56] Men's party jokes.

[52:57] And it was so.

[52:59] From the.

[52:59] From the early 60s.

[53:00] It was so disgusting.

[53:02] And it was like.

[53:03] So.

[53:04] Hateful towards women.

[53:05] And we were like.

[53:05] This isn't fun anymore.

[53:06] And we stopped.

Stuart Wellington

[53:07] We stopped getting old joke books.

Dan McCoy

[53:13] And you donated all those joke books to.

[53:17] To hell.

[53:17] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[53:19] We opened up a puzzle box.

[53:21] And we threw these joke books in the portal.

[53:23] So I guess Pinhead's reading them now.

Stuart Wellington

[53:25] Pinhead brings them all back.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] This is too much for me.

[53:29] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[53:30] What did you think?

[53:31] So.

[53:33] I did not like this movie.

[53:34] It's not very good.

[53:36] It's not really fun.

[53:38] There.

[53:39] I will not lie.

[53:40] I did laugh at a couple of things.

[53:41] Hey.

[53:42] That's okay.

[53:42] Catherine.

[53:43] Like.

[53:43] I think there's things about it.

[53:45] That could have been.

[53:46] I feel.

[53:47] Every time I watch one of these shitty movies.

[53:49] I always want to play fucking movie doctor.

[53:51] And be like.

[53:51] Well.

[53:52] Maybe if they.

[53:53] Change the score.

[53:54] Maybe if they try to play this up.

[53:56] Instead of that.

[53:57] Or if they got Chris Gethard.

[53:58] Instead of Patrick Wilson.

[54:00] Which I still stand by.

[54:01] Would have made this movie better.

[54:03] But the.

[54:04] It's just not very good.

[54:07] I don't recommend it.

[54:09] Ugh.

Dan McCoy

[54:09] I feel bad for the actors.

[54:11] I mean.

[54:11] Like.

[54:12] Captain Heigl is pouring her fucking heart into this.

[54:14] And I feel bad for her in particular.

[54:15] Because we make fun of her movies so much.

[54:17] But.

[54:18] It's not like she's bad.

[54:19] Like.

[54:19] She's doing a good job.

Stuart Wellington

[54:21] Well.

[54:23] I mean.

[54:24] Yeah.

[54:24] Okay.

[54:25] It's really hard.

[54:26] It's hard to tell where the problems begin.

Dan McCoy

[54:31] Screenplay.

[54:32] Yeah.

[54:33] I think that's where the problems begin.

[54:34] Yeah.

[54:35] Did you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:35] Did you.

[54:36] Did you.

[54:37] Give a rating.

[54:38] It's.

[54:39] I think.

[54:40] Well.

[54:40] I mean.

[54:40] Clear.

[54:40] Bad.

[54:41] Bad.

[54:41] This.

[54:41] Like.

[54:41] This movie didn't break me the way that like Food Fighter Oogie Loves did.

[54:45] But it disgusted me.

[54:47] In a way that.

Stuart Wellington

[54:47] But it also like didn't make you feel like you should say.

[54:50] Hey dudes.

[54:51] Look at this crazy thing.

[54:52] No.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] It had.

[54:54] It never reached the sublime insanity.

[54:56] It just like repulsed me at every time.

[54:58] Look at.

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] Look at the way Bobby Wobbly smiles and try and sleep after that.

Elliott Kalan

[55:02] Oh you can't wipe that from your sit.

[55:04] From your soul.

S4

[55:09] Hi.

[55:10] I'm comedian Emily Heller.

[55:11] And I'm cartoonist Lisa Hanawalt.

[55:12] And we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses.

[55:14] Do you want to learn weird new facts?

[55:16] Do you like hearing successful creative women talk about their poop?

[55:19] Do you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony?

[55:22] If you answered yes to any of these questions our show is for you.

[55:25] We interview people like Paula Tompkins.

[55:27] Kristen Schaal.

[55:28] Myful Che.

[55:28] And more.

[55:29] So check us out on Maximum Fun.

[55:31] And let us mess up your brain.

[55:32] Yes please.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] Baby Geniuses.

[55:35] We know everything.

[55:36] Baby Geniuses.

[55:37] Tell us something we don't know.

Dan McCoy

[55:40] But moving on from Home Sweet Hell.

[55:44] Thank you.

[55:45] There are a couple of sponsors of the show tonight.

[55:51] Hawking some fine products that we should talk about.

[55:54] Great.

[55:54] Stretch it out.

[55:55] Number one.

[55:57] Stall for time I guess.

[55:58] Are the police trying to trace the call?

[56:01] I'm stalling.

[56:02] So I can learn how to read.

[56:04] Yeah.

[56:04] So I can read these ads.

Elliott Kalan

[56:05] Right so Looney Tunes scores Carl Stalling.

[56:07] Get on with it.

Dan McCoy

[56:09] Are you hiring?

[56:10] Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

[56:13] Dynamite.

[56:15] Yeah.

[56:15] Kinda.

[56:17] Posting your job in just one place isn't enough to find quality candidates.

[56:21] With ZipRecruiter.com.

[56:24] You can post your job to 200 plus job sites.

[56:27] That's a lie.

[56:28] Including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter.

[56:31] All with a single click.

[56:33] You can't.

[56:33] You don't need to wear out your clicking finger.

Stuart Wellington

[56:36] No.

[56:36] You're going to need that for your new job dude.

[56:39] No.

[56:39] They're hiring people.

[56:40] For the job that you already have where you hire people.

Dan McCoy

[56:44] For pointing at someone to say you're hired.

[56:46] Look.

Elliott Kalan

[56:47] No longer do you have to drive around from small liberal arts college to small liberal arts college

[56:51] posting up these help wanted things on the community bulletin board.

[56:55] Just with one click you can post it to the digital bulletin boards of the Information Superhighway Global Village.

[57:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:03] You don't need to worry about people emailing you or calling your office.

[57:06] You can screen candidates, rate them, and hire the right person fast.

[57:10] So right now our listeners, Flophouse listeners, can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[57:20] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[57:24] One more time to try for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] The way you were doing that, Dan, it was like that was the signal for someone to do something in a scheme.

[57:36] Once more, ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

Dan McCoy

[57:42] Yeah, and the person that I'm supposed to be signaling is like talking to like the pretty bartender or something.

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] Someone's behind me with like a hammer.

[57:52] He's just hitting me with it and you're like, once again.

[57:56] And I'm like, whoa, what's going on?

[57:57] I'm just really repeating it.

Dan McCoy

[57:59] And I'm like keeping tapping my nose as I say it.

[58:02] And you're like, you got something wrong with your...

[58:05] You got an itch?

[58:06] Okay.

[58:07] So, our podcast is also sponsored in part by Blue Apron.

[58:14] The aforementioned Blue Apron.

[58:16] The Flophouse is supported in part by Blue Apron.

[58:19] Blue Apron partners with sustainable farms, fisheries, and ranchers to bring you all the ingredients you need to create incredible home-cooked meals.

[58:30] Ingredients come paired with an easy-to-follow recipe card delivered to your door weekly in a refrigerated box.

[58:39] I mean, the box has dry ice in it.

[58:42] It's not...

[58:42] The box isn't refrigerated.

Elliott Kalan

[58:43] Dan Ixnay on the undercutting the Ailes pitch say.

[58:48] Rediscover.

[58:49] How fun.

[58:50] I don't think people were worried that a refrigerator was going to show up at their door.

[58:53] And they would have to carry it in.

[58:57] How about...

[58:58] But I already have one refrigerator.

[59:00] Where am I supposed to put this?

[59:01] And one of these comes with every delivery?

[59:04] I mean, a box with dry ice in it, hate to break it to you, Dan, is refrigerated.

[59:08] Yeah.

[59:09] If it's got cold stuff...

[59:10] You know what the first...

Dan McCoy

[59:11] What if it was brought to you by...

[59:13] Yeah?

[59:14] Chicago Bears football player, the refrigerator.

[59:18] No.

[59:19] A current football player, I'm sure.

Elliott Kalan

[59:21] No, from when I was growing up.

[59:23] What was his last name, Dan?

[59:24] It was Perry.

[59:27] So, here's the thing.

[59:28] You know the first refrigerated train cars?

[59:31] It's just big chunks of ice.

[59:33] On wheels.

[59:34] You know.

[59:37] Okay, so go on.

[59:38] It's just a big chunk of ice.

[59:39] So you get some delicious...

[59:40] I'll get you a nice chunk of ice.

Dan McCoy

[59:42] Rediscover how fun cooking can be while enjoying specialty ingredients and exploring new flavors.

[59:48] Platypus.

[59:49] And cuisines.

[59:51] Get your first three Blue Apron meals free, plus free shipping, by visiting blueapron.com slash

[59:57] Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[59:59] Blueapron.com slash Flophouse.

[1:00:01] And we've said in the past, nice thing to get for people.

[1:00:04] If for some reason they are recovering from something, they just had a baby, they can't feed themselves

[1:00:10] for a little bit.

[1:00:11] It's a nice gift.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:11] Yeah.

[1:00:12] Wait, guys.

[1:00:13] What's that in the sky?

[1:00:16] It looks like a shining...

[1:00:18] That was me reacting.

[1:00:20] Okay.

[1:00:21] I'm doing a bit here, Dan.

[1:00:22] Just play along.

[1:00:24] That's a Jumbotron, guys.

[1:00:26] Oh!

[1:00:26] Yeah!

[1:00:27] And can you make it out?

[1:00:28] I think I can make it out.

[1:00:29] Let me read it out loud.

[1:00:30] Yeah, I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:30] If you can read that, Dan will stop doing his downtown Julie Brown sounds.

[1:00:35] What, what, what, what?

[1:00:35] It's pronounced Douton Julie Brown.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:37] Douton Julie.

[1:00:39] This message is for Eddie, last name withheld.

[1:00:42] Vetter.

[1:00:43] And this message is from Lisa, Emma, and Charlotte, also last name withheld.

[1:00:50] Since it's your 50th birthday, Eddie, we wanted to do something special to show you how much

[1:00:57] we love and appreciate you.

[1:00:59] It seems that in the waning years of your life, the one thing that makes you happy is to listen

[1:01:05] to the Flophouse.

[1:01:06] And perhaps a jaunty song from Elliot?

[1:01:10] Uh?

[1:01:11] Either way, we love you very much.

[1:01:14] Great job with the first 50 years.

[1:01:17] That's very sweet.

[1:01:18] So should I sing?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:19] Try not to fuck up the next 50.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:21] Wow.

[1:01:22] All right.

[1:01:23] Break your perfect record, yeah.

[1:01:26] So should I sing a song?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:28] You want to do a song?

[1:01:30] I don't know if it's setting a strange precedent, but why don't you give us a couple bars?

[1:01:35] Of this 50th birthday song for Eddie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] You're right.

[1:01:38] I don't want to set the precedent that every Jumbotron comes with a song, but whatever.

[1:01:42] It doesn't take much to get me to sing.

[1:01:44] Hey, Eddie, get ready for 50 more years.

[1:01:49] The first 50 were pretty good.

[1:01:53] The second 50, even better.

[1:01:56] The third 50, a little slow.

[1:01:59] But the fourth 50, hey, don't you know?

[1:02:02] Those are the best years.

[1:02:04] The fourth 50 years.

[1:02:07] From 150 to 200.

[1:02:10] The golden time.

[1:02:12] The golden years.

[1:02:13] Forget your fears.

[1:02:14] Stuart opened a beer for 50 years.

[1:02:19] Eddie.

[1:02:22] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:23] Perfect.

[1:02:24] That was very, very brief.

[1:02:27] Well, for me.

[1:02:28] Regular grindcore song.

[1:02:29] So, what do we do next, Danny boy?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:34] Next comes letters from listeners.

[1:02:42] Like you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] Like this new bit.

[1:02:45] Yeah.

[1:02:46] Is that a bit?

[1:02:48] Michael Buffer?

[1:02:48] It was just a way of talking.

[1:02:51] Are you going to talk like that all the time now?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:52] Yeah.

[1:02:53] I'm going to talk like I'm constantly buffering.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:55] We're doing a lot of like scenes and characters tonight, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:59] Yeah.

[1:03:00] We're regular.

[1:03:00] Men of a thousand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:01] We're regular League of Gentlemen over here.

[1:03:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:06] So, before the letters, just a quick thanks to Patrick Lim for the bootstrap messenger bags that we got.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:14] These are really good looking bags.

[1:03:16] That's a crazy awesome gift.

[1:03:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:18] Nice messenger bags.

[1:03:18] Very nice.

[1:03:19] Thank you.

[1:03:21] But.

[1:03:21] A useful gift.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:22] And as I become older and I'm a dad now, useful gifts are the ones I really find better.

[1:03:28] Like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:28] Like diapers.

[1:03:30] Well, I mean, not for me, but.

[1:03:32] I mean, think about it.

[1:03:34] I mean, I'll need them eventually.

[1:03:35] But like, I find that like good socks, like that's a solid gift.

[1:03:40] Like that's a gift I'm going to use and I'm going to enjoy.

[1:03:43] Whereas if you gave me a video game now, I don't even have a system to play it on.

[1:03:46] But when I was a kid, I hated socks.

[1:03:48] I loved video games.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:49] You only wanted video games.

[1:03:50] You're like, I want to find out who ransoms at River City.

[1:03:55] What are these?

[1:03:55] What makes these dudes so bad?

[1:03:57] Is this fight really going to be the final one?

[1:03:59] We'll see.

[1:03:59] What about this fantasy?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:01] What if it was a video game about socks?

[1:04:05] Okay.

[1:04:05] Keep talking.

[1:04:06] It's called Slidy Guy.

[1:04:10] It's a guy in socks sliding around a well-oiled floor.

[1:04:14] You're thinking of Toe Jam and Earl, the video game.

[1:04:16] Okay.

[1:04:17] No, this first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:20] Hark over the hill.

[1:04:22] It's a letter coming over the horizon.

[1:04:26] It's a hill calling with Verizon.

[1:04:29] It's a letter from far away coming near.

[1:04:32] Come over here.

[1:04:34] Letter dear.

[1:04:35] Because we can read you better when you're close to us.

[1:04:39] And we love to have you so close to us.

[1:04:44] It's a love song for a letter.

[1:04:50] Hey, Dan, this letter.

[1:04:51] It's a love letter.

[1:04:53] It's a love letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:54] To you.

[1:04:56] From nobody.

[1:04:58] Anyway.

[1:04:59] Start reading.

[1:05:00] Nobody loves you.

[1:05:00] Keep going.

[1:05:03] What?

[1:05:04] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:06] It took a real dark turn at the end.

[1:05:08] Jesus Christ.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:10] I apologize.

[1:05:11] Everybody loves Dan.

[1:05:12] Hey.

[1:05:13] He's a regular Raymond.

[1:05:14] Hey.

[1:05:15] Everyone hated Raymond.

[1:05:17] Well, no.

[1:05:18] Everybody hated Chris.

[1:05:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:21] Is that the guy who says Bazinga all the time?

[1:05:24] No, that's Big Bang.

[1:05:27] I don't think I've ever seen Dan look at me with more anger and hatred in his eyes.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:34] So this letter goes, this letter's from Taylor S-A-C-C, last letter withheld.

[1:05:41] The first S must stand for Swift.

[1:05:44] Hey, Flophouse dudes.

[1:05:46] First, we have the obligatory praise.

[1:05:48] You guys rock.

[1:05:48] I work at a distillery two days a week.

[1:05:51] I have a wicked commute.

[1:05:53] You guys keep me laughing the whole time.

[1:05:56] I even have this special little dance that I do when your opening theme comes on.

[1:06:00] If you're thinking that sounds very sexual, you're right.

[1:06:04] That's nice to know.

[1:06:06] Secondly, I have to let you know that, feeling curious about y'all's appearances, I was doing

[1:06:12] a little harmless Facebook stalking the other day.

[1:06:14] That's never harmless.

[1:06:16] I forget if I was looking at the list of Dan or Stuart's friends.

[1:06:19] It's the ultimate taboo.

[1:06:21] But anyway, right when I went to scroll back a page, I accidentally friended one of your

[1:06:26] friends.

[1:06:27] So if a Facebook friend of yours says, in the near future, some weird looking guy with a

[1:06:31] beard randomly friended me, you can just smile and say, don't worry.

[1:06:34] That was just a harmless Facebook stalker.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:36] That also could be an elaborate attempt to make it so that when Taylor here submits a friend

[1:06:45] request to one of us, we'll be like, oh, we have one mutual friend.

[1:06:49] I'll click agree.

[1:06:50] Yeah.

[1:06:51] That's a real Facebook stalker.

[1:06:53] It's a strategy, yeah.

[1:06:54] It's not a grift.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:57] I mean, I guess they're going to get money from you eventually.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:59] It's the Pennsylvania Facebook.

[1:07:03] The old Pennsylvania Facebook.

[1:07:06] Third and most importantly, I want to talk briefly about what I call the cell phone problem.

[1:07:11] I know it's not Shocktober, but please.

[1:07:13] Are you having a problem with your cell phone?

[1:07:15] Please stay with me.

[1:07:16] In all modern horror movies, one problem must be dealt with.

[1:07:20] Everyone has a cell phone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:22] It's unbelievable and unrealistic.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:26] So in order to create tension slash explain why the protagonists don't call for help,

[1:07:30] that phone must get dropped, smashed, run out of juice, etc.

[1:07:36] I find it a really interesting problem, and there are a lot of solutions that have become common.

[1:07:41] Just wondering what you guys all think is the best solution to the cell phone problem.

[1:07:46] Sincerely, Taylor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:48] I mean, this is pretty simple for me, and I think it's pretty elegant, to be honest with you.

[1:07:53] See, I'm a big fan of alternate historical fiction.

[1:07:57] Okay, interesting.

[1:07:58] So I will always set my screenplays, my myriad screenplays that I write and...

[1:08:04] You're very prolific.

[1:08:05] ...and deliver to a variety of different TV producers and movie producers.

[1:08:09] So I'm still listening.

[1:08:11] You can always send me an email, guys.

[1:08:13] And ladies.

[1:08:16] But, so the idea, of course, is that we are in a alternate timeline where cell phone technology was never invented.

[1:08:23] And we only have access to landlines.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:26] That's interesting, because I had a similar one, which was that all horror movies be set in a dystopian future where cell phones have been banned.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:32] Like rock and roll.

[1:08:33] Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:08:35] Except for there's one cell phone character who shows up and you're like,

[1:08:39] Don't kill him, he's a good cell phone.

[1:08:41] And they're like, phones go on the burn pile.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:45] My solution is kind of like the scene in the Hudsucker proxy where there's that flashback showing them sewing Mr. Hudsucker's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:54] Yeah, he's such a nice man.

[1:08:55] I give him the double stitch anyway.

[1:08:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:57] So I would have them, like, trying to use their cell phone and then suddenly there'd be a flashback to the ghost or monster or whatever, like a week before.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:05] What, like calling up the company to cancel the plan?

[1:09:07] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:09] Going in and stealing the check that they were sending in to cover their last month's bill.

[1:09:16] That's pretty good.

[1:09:17] I like it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:18] I mean, frankly...

[1:09:19] That's a little...

[1:09:20] I don't know if that's as elegant as the characters at some point in the very opening scenes of the movie or possibly with an opening text scroll saying,

[1:09:29] In this world, there are no cell phones, idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:32] BT Dubs.

[1:09:34] Hey, before the movie starts going and it's very atmospheric and then it just pauses and the director walks on and goes,

[1:09:39] Hey, I forgot to mention, there's no cell phones in this world.

[1:09:42] Capisce?

[1:09:43] Let's roll it.

[1:09:45] I think the, uh...

[1:09:47] I mean, sometimes in horror movies, the scariest thing about what's going on is that their cell phone breaks or that it runs out of battery.

[1:09:54] That's always something I'm scared about having all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:57] I mean, like, the cell phone was the fucking crux of green room.

[1:10:00] Spoiler alert.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:01] No, but, like, that's...

[1:10:02] But just...

[1:10:03] I'm saying the fear of my cell phone not working is a real fear I live with all the time.

[1:10:08] So, like, that's scarier to me than, like, that a zombie is going to eat me or a serial killer is going to come after me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:13] Yeah, like, there's few things more frightening than me waking up with a wicked hangover and seeing my phone lying next to me and being like,

[1:10:21] Did I text somebody something really stupid?

[1:10:25] What a movie.

[1:10:27] Has anyone made a movie about a guy with a really bad hangover who gets into all kinds of wacky adventures?

[1:10:32] I don't think so.

[1:10:33] I certainly didn't make three of them.

[1:10:36] Hilarious, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:36] What about a movie where these guys, they have a crazy night and then they can't find their car and they're like,

[1:10:41] Buddy, where's my car?

[1:10:44] What a good idea.

[1:10:45] Yeah.

[1:10:45] What about a movie about a fletch?

[1:10:47] Have they made one of those?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:49] What exactly is his job again?

[1:10:51] Is he a reporter?

[1:10:54] Yeah, he's an investigative reporter.

[1:10:56] He got it in one.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:57] He got it in one.

[1:10:57] Congratulations.

[1:10:58] Oh, finally.

[1:10:59] You won our game.

[1:11:00] What's a fletch?

[1:11:02] Oh, man.

[1:11:03] That's the first and last episode.

[1:11:06] Hey, what do you get?

[1:11:07] You get the home game of what's a fletch.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:11] It just comes with an index card that says what's a fletch on it.

[1:11:14] Oh, man.

[1:11:14] I guess I'll be game master when I play with my friends.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:21] If you win, Chevy Chase comes to your house and you have to be nice to him.

[1:11:25] If you win, that happens?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:27] It's like the fucking ring, dude.

[1:11:30] You'll find me in my closet with my face all melted off.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:38] So, this next letter.

[1:11:39] Comedy legend.

[1:11:40] Anyway, continue.

[1:11:41] Is from Monique Last Name Withheld.

[1:11:45] It goes like this.

[1:11:46] I recently watched Back to the Future with my eight-year-old son.

[1:11:50] I was around his age when I saw it the first time.

[1:11:53] I thought this would be a great film to share with him.

[1:11:56] There was a lot more rape in the movie than I remembered.

[1:11:59] We also...

[1:11:59] Attempted rape.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:00] Wait, are we talking about Fletch still?

[1:12:02] I was like that.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:03] Back to the Fletcher, it's called.

[1:12:05] Oh, right.

[1:12:06] Or Fletch to the Future.

[1:12:08] Oh, man.

[1:12:08] It's a middle...

[1:12:09] It's a middle-ages movie.

[1:12:11] Back to the Fletcher.

[1:12:15] I need more arrows.

[1:12:18] That's the whole movie.

[1:12:20] We also picked up the Looney Tunes DVDs.

[1:12:23] And wow, these are hella racist.

[1:12:25] Which left me wondering about other childhood favorites.

[1:12:29] Movies that perhaps shouldn't be rewatched,

[1:12:31] as they may not live up to my happy childhood memories.

[1:12:34] Maybe Chunk doing the truffle shuffle is just body shaming a child.

[1:12:38] And calling a mentally and physically handicapped character sloth and laughing at him isn't funny.

[1:12:43] I mean, that's also a crappy movie.

[1:12:45] I'm just gonna say it.

[1:12:46] Goonies is a crappy movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:47] Are you just mad because at the end when they rip up the fucking contract,

[1:12:51] it's like they threw a million ripped up contracts in the air?

[1:12:54] You see them throwing extra...

[1:12:56] You're fucking chill out like that shitty.

[1:12:57] I'm just mad about that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:58] And because they reference an octopus scene that was cut from the final film.

[1:13:01] And it's a tease.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:04] But Monique asks,

[1:13:05] are there other movies from your childhood that the tone was lost on you

[1:13:09] or just considered acceptable at the time that you would cringe at now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:14] I mean, there's definitely a...

[1:13:18] I mean, a movie that I still love, but I...

[1:13:21] I mean, just to be clear, I watch a lot of old movies,

[1:13:23] so I'm constantly watching movies around cringing at certain parts of it.

[1:13:26] But like Dumbo I loved as a kid and I still love,

[1:13:29] but the crows in it are a little questionable.

[1:13:32] But there's like...

[1:13:32] There's a couple of...

[1:13:34] Sure.

[1:13:34] I mean, because they are...

[1:13:35] Just a little questionable.

[1:13:36] They're the only characters aside from Timothy Mouse who are nice to Dumbo.

[1:13:40] Like, they're heroes in the movie,

[1:13:41] but they're very much like cigar...

[1:13:43] Stogie-smoking, pimp-dressed-out, you know, black guys

[1:13:46] who are dancing around and singing all the time.

[1:13:48] So like, that's...

[1:13:49] It's problematic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:50] I guess it's not as bad as the Indians in...

[1:13:55] In Peter Pan.

[1:13:55] Peter Pan.

[1:13:56] Oh, my Lord.

[1:13:57] Or that one centaur that they...

[1:13:58] The one to make the Red Man red.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:59] That one centaur that they cut out of Fantasia.

[1:14:02] Oh, yeah.

[1:14:02] That's just not in it anymore.

[1:14:04] And you see stills of it, and you're like,

[1:14:06] God, like, how was that ever okay?

[1:14:08] This, like, horribly racist black centaur.

[1:14:10] But, I mean, growing up in the 80s,

[1:14:13] there were a ton of movies that...

[1:14:14] Where they were about...

[1:14:16] It was just taken for granted.

[1:14:18] Like, high school guys gotta get vagina.

[1:14:21] Oh, my God, dude.

[1:14:21] And they're gonna do whatever it takes to get it.

[1:14:23] Hey, that's funny, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:23] Like, I remember watching fucking 16 Candles so many times a kid.

[1:14:27] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[1:14:28] And I remember...

[1:14:29] I remember, like, even when I was in, like, high school probably,

[1:14:33] or maybe in college, like, reading...

[1:14:35] I think I read, like, an Adrian Tomine comic strip or something about it.

[1:14:39] And I got, like...

[1:14:40] And you were a big fan of Woman Warrior by Maxine Hongkistan.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:43] Doesn't, like, the dreamboat just, like, hand over his drunk girlfriend to Michael Hall?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:49] And I remember, like, trying to defend it for a while.

[1:14:52] And now, obviously now, I realize that it is a horrible, terrible movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:56] Well, even, like, I remember being shown, like, Animal House.

[1:15:01] And people being like, this is really funny.

[1:15:03] And watching it and being like, I don't...

[1:15:05] These guys are assholes.

[1:15:07] Like, this is not...

[1:15:07] I don't like it.

[1:15:08] There's just too much...

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:10] Wait, that's how you felt when you saw it originally?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:13] Yeah, when I was a kid.

[1:15:13] Wow, you were really enlightened as a kid.

[1:15:15] Well, I mean...

[1:15:16] I was never into, like...

[1:15:18] I mean, those guys in the movie are, like...

[1:15:20] They're just assholes to people.

[1:15:22] Like, I wasn't like, yeah, you pulled it over on them.

[1:15:24] They're just jerks, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:26] Yeah, I feel like that movie has a little bit of self-awareness that they're assholes, though.

[1:15:30] It's like looking back to an earlier time and being like...

[1:15:33] I don't know, it's playing off of, like, this nostalgia, but showing, like, that the people in the 50s are an asshole.

[1:15:38] I mean, like, I'm not excusing all of this shit in Animal House, because there's some terrible shit in Animal House.

[1:15:42] I mean, there's even movies like Stripes or stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:44] There's a lot of movies in the 80s where it was like, women were made to have their tops ripped off.

[1:15:49] Yeah.

[1:15:50] Like, that's what they...

[1:15:50] Or, like...

[1:15:51] Like Screwballs.

[1:15:52] Yeah, at least...

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:53] The movie where the entire goal is to, I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:55] But Screwballs is sleaze.

[1:15:57] Like, that was not a major, like, beloved motion picture with major Hollywood stars.

[1:16:02] Like, Screwballs is garbage.

[1:16:04] They knew it when they were making it.

[1:16:05] Like, I mean, there's a movie...

[1:16:06] Someone uses eight Screwballs down a peg.

[1:16:08] Like, a movie like Joysticks.

[1:16:09] I'm not like, Joysticks, you should know better than this.

[1:16:12] Like, that's garbage.

[1:16:14] It's crap.

[1:16:15] Yeah.

[1:16:16] But something like...

[1:16:18] I feel...

[1:16:18] It was just very...

[1:16:19] It felt like it was very...

[1:16:21] Like, 80s comedies came from a very, like, man point of view where it was about women being things, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:28] And it probably started with the fucking writing room and who was allowed to write movies.

[1:16:32] Oh, I'm sure.

[1:16:32] Like, movies back then.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:33] But I'm sure there's other stuff that...

[1:16:35] I mean, like...

[1:16:37] I mean, I...

[1:16:38] I don't know.

[1:16:38] They were always playing old cartoons on TV that were full of stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:40] But...

[1:16:41] I mean, I've...

[1:16:41] The really racist ones were off the TV by the time we were watching.

[1:16:44] There's so much, like, gay panic, too.

[1:16:47] And, I mean...

[1:16:48] And, you know, movies that I...

[1:16:50] I have talked about my enjoyment for the very silly movie Monster Squad.

[1:16:55] But there's...

[1:16:56] Like, that movie starts off with kids being...

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:59] I think it starts off with Dracula getting a fight with Van Helsing.

[1:17:02] Yeah, but...

[1:17:03] And he's like, don't touch me, gay lord or something.

[1:17:06] As soon as they go to, like...

[1:17:08] You're totally gay.

[1:17:09] Oh, bleh.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:10] As soon as they go to school, like, the kids are throwing around, like, some homophobic slurs, like, right in, like, the third scene of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:18] Yeah, that stuff's not great.

[1:17:20] Although, kids do talk that way.

[1:17:21] Kids do talk that way.

[1:17:22] There was...

[1:17:23] There's...

[1:17:24] I wonder when...

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:25] Yeah.

[1:17:26] Not those fucking little nerds and stranger things.

[1:17:28] They're cool, dude.

[1:17:29] Yeah, they are.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:30] They're super cool.

[1:17:32] I said rolling my eyes.

[1:17:34] But, uh...

[1:17:35] There's a lot of...

[1:17:37] Hey, look.

[1:17:38] A lot of...

[1:17:39] The progress of American culture is towards greater inclusion and less blind negativity towards the other.

[1:17:50] But, uh...

[1:17:51] You know, there's...

[1:17:52] I wonder what stuff in the future we'll look back on.

[1:17:55] I'm sure people...

[1:17:56] Aliens will look back on Independence Day and be like, that was racist.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:00] Certainly not any episode of this podcast.

[1:18:02] Go!

[1:18:03] Go!

[1:18:05] Go!

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:06] Look, when it's late at night, who knows what you're gonna say.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:08] Don't listen to the early episodes of this podcast, please.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:11] You probably shouldn't be listening to this one, dude.

[1:18:13] No!

[1:18:14] And dudettes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:14] But, yeah, there's a lot of stuff.

[1:18:16] Thanks for the inclusion of all the dudettes in the audience.

[1:18:19] But then, you look at a movie...

[1:18:21] Fucker.

[1:18:22] You look at a movie...

[1:18:23] Hey, dude, I'm just pretty enlightened, Dan.

[1:18:25] Yeah.

[1:18:25] But I look at the movies that made the biggest impression on me as a kid.

[1:18:29] Dark Crystal.

[1:18:30] Uh-huh.

[1:18:31] Gremlins.

[1:18:32] Uh-huh.

[1:18:32] Gremlins 2 and RoboCop.

[1:18:34] Yeah.

[1:18:34] And there's nothing really I can find in those.

[1:18:37] I mean, I should not have been shown RoboCop at the age I was shown.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:40] Speaking of which, I'd like to take this moment to say, rest in peace to Miguel Ferrer.

[1:18:44] An amazing actor.

[1:18:46] Did he die?

[1:18:46] He died today, yeah.

[1:18:47] I didn't know that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:48] Yeah.

[1:18:49] Oh, thanks for bringing me down, Stuart, who was an amazing actor.

[1:18:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:53] So sorry you had to find out like this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:55] This is really, technically the worst way to find out while you're being recorded on a comedy podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:00] I had to, uh, at home I was like, what the fuck?

[1:19:06] And then my wife Charlene says, what's wrong?

[1:19:09] And I'm like, oh, uh, an actor you don't know just died.

[1:19:13] Oh, he's so good.

[1:19:15] Even though-

[1:19:15] But he's amazing.

[1:19:16] As soon as he popped up in a movie you knew he was the bad guy.

[1:19:19] Kinda.

[1:19:19] I mean, he wasn't the bad guy in Twin Peaks.

[1:19:21] I think somebody-

[1:19:22] Okay.

[1:19:22] I read to you the thing, like that scene in Twin Peaks where he gives that monologue to Sheriff

[1:19:28] Harry Truman.

[1:19:29] It's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:30] Did he come back for the Twin Peaks revival?

[1:19:32] Or did they like-

[1:19:34] They have him?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:34] They CGI'd him like in, uh, like-

[1:19:37] No, I mean they shot-

[1:19:37] Like, uh, Grand Moff Tarkin.

[1:19:39] They shot the Twin Peaks stuff already.

[1:19:40] I will-

[1:19:40] I just was wondering whether they-

[1:19:42] No, no, everyone's CGI.

[1:19:43] It's an all CGI.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:43] By the way, spoiler alerts.

[1:19:45] Uh, but I will point out that, to tie it in with the movie we watched tonight, while

[1:19:50] checking IMDB, Jim Belushi's gonna be the Twin Peaks.

[1:19:54] Really?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:54] Yeah.

[1:19:55] See, that I would like to-

[1:19:56] Like, that I like.

[1:19:57] That kind of casting I like.

[1:19:58] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:59] Oh, that's really sad.

[1:20:00] Sorry, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:01] So, Dan, what's the next letter?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:04] Uh, sorry.

[1:20:06] I put the paper down and was thinking about Miguel Ferrer.

[1:20:09] Uh, yo, folks.

[1:20:11] This is from Michael, last name withheld.

[1:20:13] Very informal.

[1:20:14] Little-

[1:20:15] Michael Myers.

[1:20:15] He's probably gonna kill us.

[1:20:18] Uh, if you could kill and eat one person from history to gain their power, who would you

[1:20:24] kill and eat?

[1:20:25] This one's easy.

[1:20:26] Me, I'd kill and eat Kevin Bacon.

[1:20:28] So, henceforth, people would have to play the Six Degrees of Michael, last name withheld.

[1:20:32] And we know what he tastes like.

[1:20:34] I love you, Mike, last name withheld.

[1:20:36] Raspberries.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:37] There was, uh, we went to, uh, my family went to a farm recently.

[1:20:42] I don't know.

[1:20:43] Because when you have a three-year-old, you go to a lot of farms to look at animals.

[1:20:46] And there was a pig there named Kevin Bacon.

[1:20:49] And Sammy thought it was the funniest joke.

[1:20:51] He doesn't know who Kevin Bacon is.

[1:20:53] He doesn't know it's a play on words.

[1:20:54] He just knows that Kevin is a name and Bacon is something that goes from pigs.

[1:20:57] You didn't think the River Wild was any good?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:00] He's not.

[1:21:01] He has not seen it.

[1:21:03] Sammy's not a fan of the works of Curtis Hansen, journeyman director.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:07] Look, I'm just saying, he is not familiar with, but I'm saying the name Kevin Bacon is funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:12] The thing about the name of that movie is it lets you know that it's a thriller.

[1:21:15] Because you know what words in that title?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:17] Wild.

[1:21:18] Oh, I mean Wild.

[1:21:19] Or it could be an 80s TNA movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:22] The River Wild.

[1:21:24] Or it's a...

[1:21:24] Is it a character named River in that case?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:27] Or it's a biopic of Oscar Wilde.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:32] The River, comma, Wild.

[1:21:34] It's a guy pointing out a river in Oscar Wilde.

[1:21:36] Wilde is asking where his Frisbee landed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:39] And someone's telling him, the only thing worse than playing Frisbee is not playing Frisbee.

[1:21:45] How droll, Oscar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:47] It would also be a good...

[1:21:48] Yeah, he's a big fan of Froth.

[1:21:51] That's what they call him.

[1:21:51] He used to call him Froth-Skr-Wild.

[1:21:54] Is that a Muppet baby?

[1:21:56] No.

[1:22:00] I think River Wilde would also be a good name for Rivers Cuomo's first solo record.

[1:22:06] Sure.

[1:22:06] But he's very sedate.

[1:22:08] That's the problem.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:09] So what was the question?

[1:22:10] Who would you eat?

[1:22:11] Kill me to take the power.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:13] This is super easy, dude.

[1:22:14] Yeah?

[1:22:14] Who's your answer?

[1:22:15] No question, I would eat Andre the Giant.

[1:22:17] For one, he's...

[1:22:19] There's a lot of him, so I know I wouldn't be...

[1:22:21] Because you were worried you would go hungry with a normal human being?

[1:22:24] Yeah.

[1:22:25] I know the portion size is appropriate for a growing steward.

[1:22:29] And then also, he's a...

[1:22:31] Serves one steward.

[1:22:31] And in his name, he's a giant.

[1:22:33] I want to be a giant.

[1:22:35] You want to be my giant?

[1:22:36] Well, the thing...

[1:22:38] I kind of already am, Dan.

[1:22:41] But no, like, this is a guy who's both wrestling skill and ability to consume alcohol is almost legendary.

[1:22:49] Oh, legendary.

[1:22:49] Yeah, very much so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:51] So, Dan, who would you eat, I guess?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:53] I would either eat someone who I thought was...

[1:22:57] You know, like Russ Meyer or some shit.

[1:22:58] Yeah, we know.

[1:22:59] I would eat, like...

[1:23:00] Tinto brass, done.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:02] I don't need that.

[1:23:03] I already have that in my life.

[1:23:05] No, no, but you have the ability to convince women to just parade their butts around in front of your camera?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:11] I would either eat someone I think is a comedy genius.

[1:23:16] A Groucho Marx or a Steve Martin.

[1:23:19] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:19] Or I would eat...

[1:23:21] That guy's still alive, so this kind of counts as a threat.

[1:23:24] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:25] Or I would eat Paul Newman.

[1:23:27] Because he's a beautiful man who aged magnificently.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:33] You know that there's a little bit of Paul Newman in every bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing.

[1:23:39] Yeah, that's his slogan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:40] There's a molecule of Paul Newman in there.

[1:23:42] So, you kind of drizzle that on top of that Paul Newman, Newman's own popcorn?

[1:23:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:47] Yeah.

[1:23:48] Okay, it's a trick question, guys.

[1:23:49] Eating humans is wrong.

[1:23:50] I'll tell you what I want to eat to gain its power.

[1:23:52] Oh, wow.

[1:23:52] A dinosaur.

[1:23:53] Okay.

[1:23:54] Give me one.

[1:23:55] Just any dinosaur?

[1:23:56] I mean, I'd certainly rather have a theropod or one of the powerful carnivores, but I mean,

[1:24:01] given the chance, if you hand me like a big, like a little bit of like a Pladeosaurus or

[1:24:05] one of the more boring dinosaurs, I'm still going to eat it.

[1:24:08] Sure, definitely.

[1:24:09] Give me a Dimetrodon, which is technically not a dinosaur.

[1:24:12] I'll still eat it.

[1:24:13] This looks like a dinosaur.

[1:24:14] What about a Pterodon?

[1:24:16] A Pterosaur?

[1:24:16] Yeah, sure.

[1:24:17] A Pterodactyl or Pteranodon.

[1:24:18] Yeah.

[1:24:19] Ramphorhynchus.

[1:24:19] Any of those.

[1:24:20] Give it to me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:21] Because they look like Sauron, the dinosaur, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:23] The thing is, here's the thing.

[1:24:24] It used to be a lot easier to eat dinosaurs in your fantasies.

[1:24:27] You just take a bite.

[1:24:28] Now, because of modern science, we know they're covered in feathers.

[1:24:30] You've got to pluck those guys first.

[1:24:32] Or else you're going to get a mouthful of feathers.

[1:24:36] Sure.

[1:24:37] So, there's one last.

[1:24:38] I gave a useful tip.

[1:24:40] You guys were talking about cannibalism.

[1:24:42] I gave a useful tip.

[1:24:43] That's news you can use.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:45] There's one last email.

[1:24:47] It's a tip for teens.

[1:24:48] It's really quick.

[1:24:49] I'll just.

[1:24:50] Okay, let's do this.

[1:24:51] Adam, last name withheld, says,

[1:24:53] Dear Floppers, I'm stuck.

[1:24:54] Do I watch the original Taking of Pelham 123 or Castle Freak?

[1:24:59] I think it's time we had the ultimate bout between these two classic.

[1:25:04] What the?

[1:25:07] There's a typo in here, so I don't.

[1:25:09] Classics.

[1:25:10] Yeah, blame the weather.

[1:25:11] Of cinema.

[1:25:12] It's a poor carpenter, Dan.

[1:25:13] Elliot and Stuart, defend yourselves.

[1:25:15] We're in the Thunderdome now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:17] Well, Taking of Pelham 123 is a genuinely great movie.

[1:25:20] Castle Freak is.

[1:25:22] Go on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:24] It's fine for what it does.

[1:25:25] I say it to my face.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:28] I would say only one of those movies is going to leave you not feeling grimy afterwards.

[1:25:34] Actually, they'll both leave you feeling kind of grimy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:36] Yeah, it's 70s New York, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:38] Yeah, but that's cool grimy.

[1:25:39] As opposed to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:40] It's Ellie in the castle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:42] As opposed to Monster Man devouring a prostitute alive.

[1:25:47] Grimy.

[1:25:48] That does happen.

[1:25:52] So.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:53] I mean, Jeffrey Combs' performance is great.

[1:25:56] It's difficult to compare Castle Freak, a movie I like very much, with Elliot's favorite movie.

[1:26:05] But they're both great, and we live in a free society.

[1:26:10] You shouldn't be.

[1:26:11] You're not forced to only watch one.

[1:26:14] That's true.

[1:26:14] You can watch one after another.

[1:26:16] Watch one and then watch another one later.

[1:26:18] Watch Castle Freak.

[1:26:19] And when the kids go to sleep, put on that Taking a Pelham 1, 2, 3.

[1:26:22] Oh, wait a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:23] I mean, neither is child appropriate.

[1:26:25] I've been telling Sammy recently, I've been saying, telling him about movies I'm going to show him when he's older.

[1:26:30] I'm like, my favorite movie, Sammy, I'm going to show you when you're, I think, 12.

[1:26:34] And he's like, okay.

[1:26:36] And that's like a decade from now.

[1:26:38] That's nine years.

[1:26:39] You're talking about what?

[1:26:41] Castle Freak.

[1:26:42] That's what I was thinking.

[1:26:43] Taking a Pelham 1, 2, 3.

[1:26:44] I was going to say, E.G. the killer.

[1:26:47] Like, you're 12, you can handle it.

[1:26:48] He's like, ah.

[1:26:50] No, but wait until the guy takes off his sweatshirt and he's totally buff underneath.

[1:26:54] It's hilarious.

[1:26:56] It's worth getting through all the horrible stuff for that.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:01] So, no definitive answer there.

[1:27:03] It's a question lost to the ages.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:05] I mean, who knows?

[1:27:06] Write in and tell us which one you watched.

[1:27:08] Watch them both.

[1:27:09] Tell them which one you like more.

[1:27:10] Or don't.

[1:27:12] Stuart and I are very secure in our opinions, in our tastes.

[1:27:15] We don't need someone else.

[1:27:16] In your manhood?

[1:27:17] Yeah, very much.

[1:27:18] I mean, I have created human beings, so I'm incredibly secure in my manhood.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:21] That little boy came out of Elliot's ball sack.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:24] He just leaped out of the ball sack.

[1:27:26] Yeah, like Athena from Zeus's ball sack.

[1:27:29] Really, it's from his head.

[1:27:32] Look.

[1:27:32] Punched his way out of your ball sack.

[1:27:34] Stuart doesn't need someone to tell him.

[1:27:35] It sounds like a species sequel in the works.

[1:27:40] Stuart, I want to talk to you about your spec porn script for this porn parody of Alien, where the alien bursts out of a guy's scrotum.

[1:27:49] Seems like a mistake.

[1:27:50] It seems like it's not sexy.

[1:27:53] It's not a very trenchant way to go about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:56] It seems like you're missing some obvious choices.

[1:28:00] And you're...

[1:28:00] Very clearly, the alien that bursts out of the person's chest should be a wiener, and then a lady should have sex with that wiener.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:07] Or a dude.

[1:28:08] I don't know.

[1:28:09] Look, whatever you want to do.

[1:28:11] But also, the title, scrotum alien, it lacks a certain subtlety.

[1:28:15] I think it's a pretty good pun.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:17] It tells you exactly what you're going to get, though.

[1:28:19] That's the beauty of it.

[1:28:20] That's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:21] But let me...

[1:28:21] Yeah.

[1:28:21] Like Edward Penis Hands.

[1:28:23] Okay, Edward Penis Hands is a much better play on that title.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:25] So yeah, you look at Ridley Scott's movie, Alien.

[1:28:29] It's called that because there's an alien in it, dude.

[1:28:32] Good point.

[1:28:33] How is it any less blatant than scrotum alien?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:36] Good point.

[1:28:36] And Prometheus is called that because it's got a Prometheus in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:39] Also, scrotum alien is going to be able to draw from two different banks of interests.

[1:28:44] People that are interested in scrotum-related activities.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:47] There's sci-fi fandom, which is very big right now.

[1:28:49] Oh, it's huge.

[1:28:50] And scrotums, like half the population has one.

[1:28:53] And the other half, a lot of them are interested in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:56] I mean, I don't know if I would say that.

[1:28:58] Yeah, that's what women love the most is the scrotum.

[1:29:02] Well, they probably like the texture of the skin.

[1:29:05] Oh, it's reminiscent of the skin you might find on a chicken.

[1:29:09] Yeah.

[1:29:10] Or someone's elbow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:12] Or an elbow.

[1:29:13] Thank you, Dan.

[1:29:13] It would be a pretty weird version of Mel Gibson's What Women Want.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:17] If he learns what he finds out, he can hear their thoughts and all they're thinking about

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:21] is scrotums.

[1:29:22] And he's like, really?

[1:29:23] Of all the parts of a man's body?

[1:29:26] That?

[1:29:26] The deflated basketball part?

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:29] Fast forward many years and Mel Gibson is this like shattered, broken, racist man.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:34] And he's like, it's all because of the scrotums.

[1:29:37] Yeah.

[1:29:38] I can't stop seeing them in my waking nightmares.

[1:29:40] He's got a wall that's all pictures of scrotums with pieces of yarn going.

[1:29:44] Oh, it doesn't.

[1:29:45] I haven't cracked the code.

[1:29:46] This conspiracy doesn't make sense.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:49] Damn you.

[1:29:50] Time I fell in a bath with a hair dryer and gained women-based telepathy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:57] What a stupid movie.

[1:29:59] No.

[1:30:00] I mean, I think, I feel like that's one of those movies that everyone knew was stupid

[1:30:04] the moment it was announced.

[1:30:07] Like, right?

[1:30:08] It wasn't, it's like the young pope of movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:16] So what do we do now on this podcast, Dan?

[1:30:18] Lastly.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:19] On this death march of a podcast.

[1:30:21] Lastly, we recommend movies that we actually liked.

[1:30:25] Movies you should watch instead of Home Sweet Hell.

[1:30:29] Anyone got anything good?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:30] I got one.

[1:30:32] If you don't, if you guys don't want to go first.

[1:30:34] So I was thinking, this is a movie about an unhappy, a guy in an unhappy marriage who turns

[1:30:39] to an affair to get what he wants.

[1:30:42] And I did recently, not too long ago, see a movie about that same subject that I liked

[1:30:48] except for the very ending.

[1:30:49] And that's Pennies from Heaven, starring Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters.

[1:30:53] And Christopher Walken has a small role in it that I'm sure everyone's heard of before

[1:30:56] we dances.

[1:30:58] And it's set during the Depression.

[1:30:59] It's an adaptation of the British miniseries of the same name that Dennis Potter wrote.

[1:31:05] And it is about a sheet music salesman in the Depression who is, he dreams of owning

[1:31:09] a music store and his idea of what life is supposed to be has been informed by the popular songs

[1:31:15] of the era.

[1:31:16] And that shells him what love is supposed to be, what success is supposed to be, what happiness

[1:31:20] is supposed to be.

[1:31:21] And he lies and seduces a schoolteacher into an affair and their lives kind of spiral out

[1:31:28] of control.

[1:31:28] But it's very much a musical where the performers are lip syncing to the songs of the era and

[1:31:35] the musical numbers in it are gorgeous.

[1:31:37] A lot of them and the dancing is really good.

[1:31:38] The movie itself is super bleak.

[1:31:40] And the ending, they tack on a kind of fantasy happy ending that's supposed to be a fantasy.

[1:31:47] But and it makes the whole thing that much bleaker.

[1:31:49] So the ending I actually found it made it too unpalatable.

[1:31:52] But up to that point, I really liked a lot.

[1:31:54] And it was Steve Martin is playing a main character who is not a likable person, but at times gets

[1:32:02] your sympathy, but does bad things.

[1:32:04] And it's a bleak movie, but it's an interesting tonally.

[1:32:11] What's the one I'm thinking of?

[1:32:14] It's just an interesting movie.

[1:32:15] And the musical numbers are really good.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:17] So Elliot recommends Bleak House by Charles Dickens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:19] No.

[1:32:21] Bleak Movie by Herbert Ross.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:24] I watched a movie that's still in theaters.

[1:32:28] It's called Manchester by the Sea.

[1:32:31] Oh, yeah?

[1:32:32] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:33] Oh, you see that movie?

[1:32:35] Do a little more.

[1:32:35] Can't get to that movie from here.

[1:32:37] Hey, it's me.

[1:32:37] Casey Affleck, the Beantown Bad Boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:43] Beantown Bad Boy.

[1:32:44] Casey Affleck strikes again.

[1:32:46] Boston Jewels stolen.

[1:32:49] Boston Batman after Casey Affleck.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:51] Beantown Batman asked about his Beantown brother.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:53] We got a wicked crime over here, Robin.

[1:32:56] Beantown Batman.

[1:32:59] Get in the Bat Car.

[1:33:00] I'm Batman.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:02] No, don't touch that.

[1:33:03] It's hot lava.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:04] Harvey Dent.

[1:33:05] Can we trust him?

[1:33:06] Oh, wow.

[1:33:08] Harvey.

[1:33:10] Commissioner.

[1:33:12] We got to find a Joker.

[1:33:16] Stupid accent.

[1:33:18] Great town, though.

[1:33:19] Great town.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:22] I guess it's time to announce that live show in Boston.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:25] The fire rises.

[1:33:27] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:28] I don't think it's any secret that I'm not a very happy person a lot of the time.

[1:33:34] Oh, poor dude.

[1:33:36] I was having a bad day.

[1:33:40] My thoughts were bleak, much like the movie Pennies from Heaven.

[1:33:46] And I made plans to see Manchester by the Sea and almost immediately regretted it, thinking, what the hell?

[1:33:53] Why would I?

[1:33:54] What am I doing to myself?

[1:33:56] Is this movie just going to make me want to kill myself?

[1:33:59] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:01] What's going on?

[1:34:02] I don't know what's going on, Dan.

[1:34:06] You expect another laugh riot, balls to the wall action flick from Kenny Lonergan.

[1:34:14] Famed comedy action auteur, Kenneth Lonergan.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:18] But, well, the thing is, when I got there, I mean, like, the thing about Kenneth Lonergan movies is they're not wacky comedies by any stretch of the imagination.

[1:34:28] No, yeah.

[1:34:29] But there is a lot of humor in his work.

[1:34:32] Like, he's very talented with his characterization is so specific and so human that there's a lot that's funny about it, even when the situations are tragic.

[1:34:49] And Manchester by the Sea is almost ridiculously tragic in the situation that it depicts.

[1:34:55] But the cinematography is beautiful.

[1:34:59] The performances are great.

[1:35:00] I mean, you know, people have said a lot of things about Casey Affleck, but...

[1:35:07] He is a Beantown bad boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:09] Yeah, I said that.

[1:35:12] Quote one Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:13] Michelle Williams and Cal Chandler are excellent in it.

[1:35:16] The kid, whoever he is, is great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:20] Jackie Coogan, I guess.

[1:35:21] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:23] But if you're scared of the movie...

[1:35:26] That's Prince, right?

[1:35:26] The kid?

[1:35:27] I guess I'm saying if you're scared of the movie because you think it's just going to depress you...

[1:35:32] It's just a movie.

[1:35:33] It's...

[1:35:33] Yeah, just keep telling yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:36] It's just a movie.

[1:35:37] There's no actual wish masters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:40] You can't get lost through the waxworks portal of time.

[1:35:44] That reminds me of the much laughed about tagline for the new Rings movie, which is a sequel to either The Ring, Ringu, or The Ring 2.

[1:35:56] Where the tagline on the poster just says, first you see it, then you die.

[1:36:03] An interesting invitation.

[1:36:06] And also, it's a description of every movie ever made.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:09] Very true.

[1:36:10] Yeah.

[1:36:11] The then encompasses a certain amount of time.

[1:36:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:14] The point is, Manchester by the Sea is so good that even if you're feeling awful, you're going to find a lot to enjoy in.

[1:36:22] So mope.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:23] Don't walk.

[1:36:24] To Manchester by the Sea.

[1:36:25] I don't know.

[1:36:26] I mean, I'm kind of a believer in the idea of like, if I'm feeling down sometimes, listening to like hilariously depressive music can make me feel a little better.

[1:36:35] Yeah.

[1:36:36] Or like watching something that I think, you know, watching something...

[1:36:40] My wife and I are a little different.

[1:36:42] She doesn't like watching stressful things because her life is stressful enough.

[1:36:47] Whereas I like to watch super fucking stressful stuff because it helps me break the tension.

[1:36:52] Yeah.

[1:36:53] That sort of thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:54] There's a catharsis in it.

[1:36:55] Kind of on that note, the one misstep I think the movie has is when the...

[1:37:00] That dance party ending?

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:02] Yeah.

[1:37:03] It's like the end of Zatoichi.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:06] That's great though, that end of Zatoichi.

[1:37:09] Yeah.

[1:37:11] I love that.

[1:37:13] They're all dancing.

[1:37:15] And the dancing is really good at the end of Zatoichi.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:18] No.

[1:37:18] The central tragedy of the movie, which happens, you know, around the middle portion of the film,

[1:37:25] No spoilers.

[1:37:27] I won't say what it is.

[1:37:28] It is almost hilariously tragic.

[1:37:31] Like it is so far into the realm of tragic that it's like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:36] Like the sort of thing that if we were just joking around, there's a decent chance we would fucking hit it in a super sweet three point shot.

[1:37:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:44] But so this horrible thing happens in the middle of the movie and it is scored to the most overbearingly dramatic, like classical piece of music.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:56] Like Carmina Burana?

Dan McCoy

[1:37:57] Huge crescendos in it.

[1:37:59] Like I don't know if it is church music, but it sounds like a classic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:04] So it's kind of like in Platoon when they're playing that classical music over him at the end and you're like, I get it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:10] Yeah, exactly.

[1:38:10] And you're like, I get it, Night Owl.

[1:38:12] Hallelujah.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:15] It's the sort of thing where you're...

[1:38:16] We're doing it with Sally Jupiter.

[1:38:17] Great.

[1:38:18] This would be a lot more effective if there was just no music and it played out in just reality.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:24] Instead of just, I'm walking on sunshine.

[1:38:28] Whoa.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:29] I mean, you know, I'm glad that Katrina and the Waves got their little taste there.

[1:38:33] They got a little sweet resins.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:34] I mean, Kenny Lonergan's always said, if I'm making money, Katrina and the Waves are making money.

[1:38:38] Yeah.

[1:38:39] That's the deal I made.

[1:38:41] With the devil.

[1:38:42] That's why their music scores my hit play Lobby Hero.

[1:38:47] Anyway, it's a good movie.

[1:38:48] See it.

[1:38:49] Stu?

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:51] I'm going to recommend...

[1:38:53] I'm actually going to recommend two series of movies.

[1:38:57] Because by the time this comes out, you'll have about a month or so before each of these horror movie franchises are going to get a fancy box set Blu-ray treatment.

[1:39:07] Oh, I know one of them.

[1:39:08] So I'd recommend checking these out.

[1:39:10] I'd probably recommend some of these movies individually, but I think this is a great time for you to check them out.

[1:39:14] And also, this will be a great time for me to fucking finally see the last one of these.

[1:39:19] I'm going to stop beating around the bush.

[1:39:22] By the buildup.

[1:39:23] So the first...

[1:39:25] Well, I'm going to recommend the Phantasm movies and the Wishmaster movies.

[1:39:31] Both of those are a little bit like...

[1:39:35] I'll say B-horror movies.

[1:39:38] I think I'm being a little unfair to Phantasm.

[1:39:41] Phantasm is slightly above that level.

[1:39:43] Is above that level.

[1:39:43] Wishmaster is very...

[1:39:44] But they're both kind of...

[1:39:45] They're both low-budget horror movies, I guess.

[1:39:48] And the Phantasm movies are genuinely great.

[1:39:50] And they get more interesting as the series...

[1:39:54] Maybe not as the series goes on, but they're just interesting and strange and weird.

[1:39:59] Well, the mythology certainly deepens.

[1:40:00] The mythology definitely deepens.

[1:40:02] And the story goes places you don't expect it to.

[1:40:05] Exactly.

[1:40:06] And there's a definite joy to that.

[1:40:09] And the fact that each movie begins immediately where the last one left off is amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:14] No matter how much time has passed for the actors.

[1:40:16] Yep.

[1:40:18] You're like, wait, how does that guy have no hair?

[1:40:21] He had hair in the scene before.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:22] And this is going to be the first time that some of these movies are going to get a Blu-ray treatment at all.

[1:40:26] So that's great.

[1:40:28] And I actually haven't even seen the fifth one yet.

[1:40:30] I haven't seen Phantasm Ravager, even though it's been available.

[1:40:33] I just haven't.

[1:40:33] When did it come out?

[1:40:34] I think it was on VOD for a little while there.

[1:40:37] Oh, I didn't realize that.

[1:40:38] I haven't seen it either.

[1:40:38] I feel like I missed the window or something.

[1:40:41] And I'm dumb and lazy sometimes, so that's what happened.

[1:40:44] And I kind of want to know that I'm going to have a big chunk of time so that I can sit and watch it.

[1:40:48] You want to watch it all the way through.

[1:40:49] Watch it.

[1:40:50] Yeah, I want to run the series unmolested.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:53] You want to get your corn, get your giant soda.

[1:40:55] It's going to require me to set up some kind of a wacky baby's day out for my wife.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:02] And the other series is...

[1:41:03] What, because gangsters?

[1:41:04] You're chasing her.

[1:41:06] Was that what happens in that movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:08] That's crazy.

[1:41:08] I think so.

[1:41:08] He swallows a diamond or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:10] Charlene is walking across a girder while they're trying to follow her.

[1:41:15] And then the other series is the Wishmaster series, which is definitely a goofy B-horror movie series.

[1:41:22] The first one is really great and fun.

[1:41:25] I think they definitely go downhill after that.

[1:41:28] But, you know, there's still moments.

[1:41:29] It depends on what your mileage with that thing is.

[1:41:31] So, obviously, take it with a grain of salt.

[1:41:35] I will say that the first one manages to feature a ton of great B-horror movie actors, including Phantasm superstar Reggie Bannister himself, who plays the character Reg in the Phantasm movies.

[1:41:49] Just seeing the Phantasm movies...

[1:41:51] Who plays the character Bannister, the living Bannister.

[1:41:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:54] And seeing Reg go from the sidekick, essentially, the comedy sidekick, to being the hero of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:59] It's really great.

[1:42:00] It's amazing.

[1:42:01] It's a magical moment.

[1:42:02] Well, it's the moment when he takes two double-barreled shotguns and, using a little bit of ingenuity, turns it into a four-barreled shotgun.

[1:42:10] Wide shotgun.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:12] I love that scene in, like, 80s movies where they're just like, we're gonna just, like, low-tech create awesome new weapons.

[1:42:23] We're just gonna duct tape a couple of things together, and all of a sudden, it's a super weapon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:28] I remember watching Phantasm II for the first time on a VHS tape and being, like, almost immediately being like, what the fuck?

[1:42:36] Is this...

[1:42:37] Wait.

[1:42:37] This is picking up immediately where the last one left off?

[1:42:40] And not even really remembering the first one that much.

[1:42:42] And having to, like, as soon as that one ended, going back and re-watching the first Phantasm.

[1:42:47] Because I had no idea what was happening.

[1:42:51] Oh, it's great.

[1:42:53] It's a good series.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:54] So, that's it for us.

[1:42:57] We're dying.

[1:42:58] That's all I get?

[1:42:59] That's it.

[1:43:00] That's...

[1:43:01] Is that all there is?

[1:43:04] To this episode?

[1:43:04] This is a long episode, so yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:07] Longer than the movie again.

[1:43:09] We did it, boys.

[1:43:10] We've continued our contract with the devil.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:16] What are we getting out of this contract?

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:18] I feel like it's this, like, speed thing, where if we ever record an episode shorter than the movie, Dennis Hopper will blow us up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:24] The devil's like, you got those sweet messenger bags, didn't you?

[1:43:28] Looks like I'm holding my end of the bargain.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:33] The classic Fae Devil.

[1:43:36] I love it.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:39] Well, let's sign off before this runs even longer.

[1:43:42] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:44] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:43:47] Elliot Kalin here saying good night.

[1:43:49] So, Charlene is really keen on the idea of getting everybody matching pajamas for the trip to Chicago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:07] Did you mention that to Danielle?

[1:44:09] I think that'd be pretty funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:12] With feet, right?

[1:44:13] Yeah, with feet.

[1:44:15] I'd wear those.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:18] Filmfund.org.

[1:44:19] Comedy and culture.

[1:44:20] Artist owned.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:21] Listener supported.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:22] Why would you listen to a podcast of TV pilots that never got made?

[1:44:26] It must not have been any good, right?

S4

[1:44:28] I don't know for a fact that anyone read it.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:31] They couldn't get a deal done.

[1:44:32] It was kind of a regime change.

[1:44:34] Someone at the studio who was in a decision-making capacity said,

[1:44:37] these guys seem like losers.

S4

[1:44:39] They just blamed it on, okay, well, it must be women.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:42] We got word that USA had decided to stop doing comedy.

S4

[1:44:46] Why aren't we making this?

[1:44:47] It was so good.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:48] Hear the TV comedies you never got to see on the Dead Pilot Society podcast.

[1:44:53] Listen on MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

Ep. #222 - Home Sweet Hell

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