Ep. #223 - The Last Witch Hunter

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss The Last Witch Hunter.

[0:04] LA, do I have to have seen the previous five witch hunters before this one to understand it?

[0:10] I don't think even seeing them will help.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:40] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] Hey, Dan McCoy.

[0:42] It's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] That was pretty cool.

[0:47] Stuart Wellington just had that voice like that.

[0:49] You can.

[0:51] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] You're confusing new listeners, Stuart.

[0:55] You're writing checks that your butt can't cash.

[0:58] Does his butt have a bank account?

[1:00] Hold on a second.

[1:03] Dan, are you saying that, one, all the parts of Stuart's body have different bank accounts,

[1:08] or, two, just his butt has one?

[1:10] I mean, the teller should refuse my butt attempting to cash a check.

[1:14] Can I see some ID, sir?

[1:15] And is this a driver's license with a butt instead of a face?

[1:18] When your butt opened up, it's...

[1:20] When his butt opened up?

[1:22] Did flies come out, like in this movie?

[1:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah, a bunch of gwawulds came through because it's a little Stargate.

[1:28] It opened an account with a bank.

[1:31] It had a utility with its name on it.

[1:35] A utility bill.

[1:36] A gas bill.

[1:37] Not like utility belts.

[1:38] A gas bill for your butt.

[1:40] I get it.

[1:41] I get it.

[1:42] So, anyway, Dan's fired.

[1:43] It's just me and Stuart now.

[1:45] So, guys, I was trying.

[1:48] You guys got my fucking case.

[1:49] Did I even say my name?

[1:50] Yeah, you did.

[1:51] Okay, I don't remember how to do it.

[1:52] You guys put me on blast again this time because I opened up with my fucking dead-on Vin Diesel impression.

[1:59] Wait, that was your Vin Diesel impression?

[2:00] Yeah, hold on.

[2:01] Dude.

[2:02] You sounded like Snake Plissken trying to do an impression of Wolf Rock.

[2:06] Like a drive-time radio guy.

[2:08] It's me, Vin Diesel, the last witch hunter.

[2:12] No, Vin Diesel's more like, hey, I'm Vin Diesel.

[2:14] It's me, Vin Diesel.

[2:15] No, Vin Diesel's more like, uh, uh, you know the...

[2:21] I think you guys are doing it wrong.

[2:23] You're Dave Mustaine.

[2:24] You're Dave Mustaine-ing all over the place.

[2:26] Vin Diesel sounds more like...

[2:27] Hello, me.

[2:28] It's me, Vin Diesel, again.

[2:31] No, Vin Diesel's more like this.

[2:33] Bag of rocks jingling around.

[2:35] Bag of rocks.

[2:36] Bag of rocks.

[2:37] That's what it says in the script?

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:40] It just says witch hunter and then just shake a bag of pebbles.

[2:44] Guys, I got some problems with this dialogue.

[2:46] It just says bag of rocks over and over again.

[2:49] Under casting notes, it says...

[2:50] This is really a blacklist script.

[2:51] It says bag of rocks all over.

[2:53] Under casting notes, it says less articulate rock biter.

[2:56] Okay.

[2:58] The director was like, Vin, Vin, Vin, I'm understanding too many words.

[3:03] I need you to talk quieter and gravelier.

[3:05] Hey, speaking of Vin Diesel, how have you guys been celebrating the return of Xander Cage?

[3:11] Oh, yeah.

[3:12] I mean, the way we all do.

[3:14] I put up my, what, triple X wreath?

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:18] I've been keeping a candle in my window.

[3:20] I've been vaping for days.

[3:25] Of course, we all had the day off work.

[3:28] Yeah, for Xander Cage day.

[3:30] National holiday, federal holiday.

[3:32] You know, my mother always told me one day Xander Cage would return.

[3:37] There is a prophecy.

[3:39] Did she tell you as part of her triple X State of the Union?

[3:46] That's not what we watched, but what was that all about?

[3:50] Well, he's an extreme asshole.

[3:52] It's not your daddy's James Bond.

[3:54] I mean, my daddy's James Bond was, I guess, like Roger Moore, which is fine.

[3:58] I mean, that was my James Bond.

[4:00] That was my James Bond too.

[4:01] How old are you guys?

[4:03] We're approaching 40.

[4:05] Because my James Bond was Pierce Brosnan.

[4:08] Because I rejected Timothy Dalton like a donor kidney with a different blood type.

[4:12] I just rejected him.

[4:14] Okay, wait.

[4:16] Because I think the first new James Bond movie I remember seeing was Licensed to Kill.

[4:23] And as a kid, I remember being like, not entertained by this.

[4:27] Somebody should have put that movie out of its misery.

[4:30] Wait.

[4:32] For Channel 11, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[4:34] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:37] We just slam Vin Diesel, talk about butts, and then old James Bond memories?

[4:42] Pretty much it.

[4:43] Okay.

[4:44] So you're welcome to Vin Diesel Slam Butt Memories featuring James Bond.

[4:48] I feel bad making fun of Vin Diesel.

[4:50] Slamming James Diesel's butt.

[4:53] James Diesel's my father.

[4:55] You can call me Vin.

[5:01] I feel kind of bad.

[5:03] It was changed from Doozle on Ellis Island to Diesel.

[5:06] Yeah.

[5:09] Originally Vin Doozle.

[5:12] Well, Vin Doozle ran on gasoline, but Vin Diesel.

[5:16] Runs on what, hydrocarbons?

[5:19] Runs on diesel.

[5:20] I guess gasoline has hydrocarbons, too.

[5:22] So I feel a little bad because there's – I feel bad making fun of Vin Diesel.

[5:27] Yeah, he's had it hard.

[5:28] Because there's a chance – you know, he and I kind of run in the same like –

[5:32] You're both gamers.

[5:33] Yeah, we run the same cool role-playing game circles.

[5:36] There's a chance that he might accidentally listen to this podcast and be really sad.

[5:41] Am I accidentally listening to this podcast?

[5:44] Yeah, he might think it's like a cool gamer podcast.

[5:47] Why?

[5:48] I don't know, man.

[5:51] Oh, Blood Bowl MVP Stewart Wellington has a podcast?

[5:54] I bet it's all about gaming.

[5:56] The trivia for this movie elaborates extensively on Vin Diesel's D&D background

[6:03] and mentions that on the set of – on the set of The Chronicles of Riddick,

[6:10] he taught Judy Dench how to play D&D, and she should have won an Oscar.

[6:19] For pretending to be interested in doing that?

[6:22] And then having to play like an air elemental or something like that.

[6:24] I don't remember what happened.

[6:26] So was this movie based on D&D thing, though, Stewart?

[6:30] No.

[6:31] Well, maybe.

[6:32] Maybe?

[6:33] I don't know.

[6:34] This was a Blacklist script, but it was rewritten multiple times.

[6:37] It wasn't that Blacklist, though.

[6:38] It was the one that actually Blacklisted.

[6:40] It was the Communist Blacklist.

[6:41] Yeah.

[6:42] We should not have produced this.

[6:43] This was written by Dalton Trumbo.

[6:45] This was a script for the TV show The Blacklist.

[6:49] With James Spader, TV's Ultron, if you're watching Avengers 2 on TV.

[6:56] I love that.

[6:57] I love that movie Trumbo where Dalton Trumbo's ears were really big.

[7:01] I knew it was going to be a Dumbo joke.

[7:03] I knew it.

[7:04] I knew it.

[7:05] I don't remember that part.

[7:06] I knew how creatively bankrupt you are.

[7:09] The angry glint in your eyes.

[7:11] When I heard the most obvious Trumbo joke.

[7:16] You love Dumbo.

[7:18] I do love Dumbo.

[7:19] That's why I also made the Trumbo-Dumbo connection and was looking for a new idea from you.

[7:23] No.

[7:24] You could have at least made a trombone joke.

[7:27] That's a much worse joke.

[7:29] Really?

[7:30] It doesn't rhyme.

[7:31] When I was in middle school…

[7:35] That's the mark of a good joke.

[7:36] It's rhyming.

[7:37] Is your whole workday you trying to explain to Trevor Noah that his jokes don't work

[7:41] because they're not rhyming?

[7:43] That's right.

[7:44] That's right.

[7:45] Especially because he pronounces everything in a South African accent.

[7:48] So things that should rhyme don't.

[7:50] Oh, I see.

[7:51] You've got to do American comedy now.

[7:55] You've got to rhyme your words.

[7:57] It's all about rhymes.

[7:59] You've got to speak good and rhyme your words.

[8:01] But we watched a movie called The Witch Hunter.

[8:04] You set me up for the traditional explanation of the podcast and I never…

[8:09] I think I undercut that, though.

[8:10] So what do we do on this podcast?

[8:12] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[8:14] What did we watch this time?

[8:15] We watched The Last Witch Hunter.

[8:17] Now, here's the thing about The Last Witch Hunter.

[8:19] It's also…

[8:20] It's been taking up some space on Dan's DVR lately.

[8:23] Every time we're going to watch something, Dan goes,

[8:25] Now we can watch The Last Witch Hunter or we can watch this other movie.

[8:28] And we always pick the other movie.

[8:31] Rightfully so.

[8:32] The Last Witch Hunter gets ready to step up.

[8:34] Everyone's like,

[8:35] Not my time.

[8:36] It's okay.

[8:37] It's so fast.

[8:38] All right.

[8:39] And meanwhile, there's all these…

[8:41] Dan is constantly deleting all the shows he wants to watch to make room for The Last Witch Hunter.

[8:45] From his overflowing T-bone.

[8:48] Yeah, that's right.

[8:49] There's a…

[8:51] So long, scandal.

[8:53] So long, Lake Consequence.

[8:55] So long, All Property Brothers.

[8:57] Yeah, with Joan Severance and Billy Zane.

[9:00] Yeah, I know which one you're talking about.

[9:02] I know the…

[9:03] Joan Severance, The Black Scorpion.

[9:04] So long, Orange is the New Black, which I somehow T-bone even though it's on Netflix.

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:10] So, The Last Witch Hunter could have also been called The Witch Hunter.

[9:14] Because there's only one witch hunter in it.

[9:16] His name is Vincent Diesel.

[9:18] Benjamin Diesel.

[9:21] And he…

[9:22] The movie opens…

[9:23] In olden times.

[9:24] As Stuart would say in media res, smash cut.

[9:27] It's the 13th century.

[9:30] Maybe it's the 14th century.

[9:32] He says he's been doing this for 800 years.

[9:34] So I guess it's the 13th century.

[9:35] It's about the early 13th century.

[9:37] And Vin Diesel in a very unpersuasive beard.

[9:41] Let's just call it that.

[9:42] Yeah.

[9:43] Let's call it a facial hair and top of head hair combination that looks like Vin Diesel's face

[9:49] was used for one of those Wooly Willy toys.

[9:51] Yeah.

[9:52] He used magnet filings to create beards.

[9:54] And a top…

[9:56] He shaved sides of the head but with a longer top of the head.

[10:00] That hair, it looks like a little bit like when Gimli draws like a fantasy version of himself, that's what he would draw.

[10:12] And so he is part of a band of, I guess, witch hunters, so you know what, he is the last of those witch hunters.

[10:17] A plague has hit the land. That land, not important to know.

[10:22] Somewhere in Europe, I guess.

[10:23] Probably the bubonic plague.

[10:25] It's some plague.

[10:26] That's like the top plague.

[10:28] Yeah, that's your grade A plague, yeah.

[10:30] All you have to do, you can just say the plague and people know what you're talking about.

[10:34] It's like Cher.

[10:36] Yeah, she's a plague.

[10:37] The plague is like Cher.

[10:38] Wow.

[10:39] Put it on the book for this podcast, put it on the packaging for this podcast.

[10:44] Did you see when the plague did that If I Could Turn Back Time video and it was wearing like a thong under a body stocking?

[10:50] I can't believe the Navy allowed her to use a ship for that.

[10:55] I don't know, it was a movie.

[10:56] Yeah, you can really see all her boils and pustules.

[10:59] What?

[11:00] She's the plague.

[11:01] Dan.

[11:02] What is wrong?

[11:03] J-Food.

[11:04] You don't make sense.

[11:05] You shouldn't have to ask what is wrong.

[11:06] Everything I'm saying tracks.

[11:12] So they're hunting down a witch because what caused this plague was a witch, and not just any witch, but the witch queen.

[11:18] Which old witch?

[11:20] The wicked witch.

[11:21] Okay.

[11:22] Now, this movie posits the question, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

[11:25] Because there is a good witch in it.

[11:26] There's a very bad witch in it.

[11:28] Her name is the witch queen.

[11:29] And she is what she says, a witch queen.

[11:33] They managed to stop her through the application of iron and fire.

[11:36] She looks kind of like a Samara crossed with a Freddy Krueger.

[11:40] A what?

[11:41] A Samara crossed with a Freddy Krueger.

[11:43] You might know her as Sadako from The Ring.

[11:46] Oh, okay.

[11:48] Thanks, Stuart, for decoding Dan's gibberish.

[11:51] It was not gibberish.

[11:53] I mean, other than mispronouncing it the first time, it was a perfectly cromulent word.

[11:59] Yeah, I mean, Ellie recognizes that character more from Ringu as opposed to The Ring.

[12:05] Yeah, exactly.

[12:06] That was the problem that I had.

[12:07] And this witch queen character also has a ponytail that's also a spine.

[12:11] I prefer Ringu old world style to Prego.

[12:17] Wait, so you're saying the witch has what?

[12:19] There's a ponytail that's a spine.

[12:21] Yeah, and the witch is a combination.

[12:23] Wow, already opening the second one.

[12:25] Oh, and he's overflowing.

[12:28] Thanks for there's beer all over my table.

[12:31] Great.

[12:32] The Dan McCoy story.

[12:33] Now Stuart's drinking the beer off of the table.

[12:36] Archie, Archie, go for it.

[12:38] No, don't get my cat drunk.

[12:39] Okay, so anyway, while Stuart cleans that up, that was a little bit of excitement for the listening audience.

[12:44] Yeah, that's color.

[12:45] So the witch introduces a theme of the movie, which is unconvincing special effects, CGI based.

[12:51] And while she's fighting Vin Diesel, because Vin Diesel is the only one of these witch hunters that is worth a damn fighting witches and zombie monsters.

[12:59] He manages to stab her through the heart, but then she grabs his heart and says, I'm going to curse you with immortality.

[13:06] You'll never know the peace of death as long as my heart is.

[13:09] Oh, no, we don't know that yet.

[13:10] Sorry.

[13:11] You'll never know the peace of death.

[13:12] Cut to.

[13:14] I'm back, guys.

[13:15] I'm back.

[13:16] I cleaned up the mess.

[13:17] Cut to modern day.

[13:18] And Dan, you were saying?

[13:19] No, I mean, just as we all kind of felt like of the curses you can curse someone with.

[13:23] Immortality is not one of the top ones in terms of the harm that it does to someone.

[13:29] I mean, eventually, obviously, it becomes a curse.

[13:32] Eventually, you would think it would wear you down after centuries of seeing all your loved ones die.

[13:36] Just seeing like the worst that humanity can offer over and over and over.

[13:40] But Vin Diesel, when we catch up to him in the present, seems to be, if anything, better well-adjusted than he was before.

[13:46] He's super chipper, and he has a sports car that he tools around in.

[13:50] And a sports coat.

[13:51] A sports coat, a sports car, sports magazines, a sports watch.

[13:55] A sports bra, I assume.

[13:59] He has the album Sports by Huey Lewis in the news.

[14:01] He's playing it all the time.

[14:03] We are introducing him.

[14:05] That's why you can't be sad while it's playing.

[14:07] That's why it's so well-adjusted.

[14:08] No, of course.

[14:09] Finally, it's hip to be square.

[14:11] He has a large collection of collared shirts that he, under no circumstance, will try and close entirely and wear a tie.

[14:18] Is he wearing a tie with his suit?

[14:19] I don't think so.

[14:20] Witch hunters don't do that.

[14:21] It's my favorite moment in, what is that, Fast and Furious 6?

[14:25] Ab Fab, the movie.

[14:26] No one knows which thing is in which movie.

[14:28] Whichever one where they go to Dubai, and they're like, all of a sudden, they all show up in party clothes.

[14:34] And you get to see everybody show up in tuxes, and I'm like Vin Diesel is not going to be able to wear a bow tie.

[14:40] And of course he is not because you can't fit that around.

[14:43] No, he's got a massive neck.

[14:45] He's in amazing shape.

[14:47] We reintroduced him on an airplane where he has to talk some sense into a young teenage witch who has a bunch of weatherstones, magic crystals that control the weather, and are causing turbulence.

[14:59] And once he solves that problem, he immediately goes and hits on a stewardess.

[15:03] Cut to we're in New York.

[15:05] Old man priest Michael Caine is waiting for his appointment with Vin Diesel.

[15:08] The stewardess leaves.

[15:09] Of course he banged her.

[15:10] Come on.

[15:11] He's the last witch hunter.

[15:12] And Michael Caine has given us kind of a what's going on in the world.

[15:16] We're in a modern day where there's a temporary truce between magical creatures and non-magical people.

[15:22] It appears the witches and—

[15:23] Cross and the axe or something like that.

[15:26] There's an organization called the Cross and the Axe, which is I guess affiliated with the Catholic Church, which has a deal with the witch council where witches will lay low and not eat people in exchange for the church not burning them all.

[15:38] It's your regular Camarilla type setup or, I don't know, Hogwarts and shit.

[15:44] Like what's the underworld thing?

[15:45] Is that where it's the – is there a truce between werewolves and vampires or something?

[15:49] Lichens and vampires or whatever.

[15:51] Why are they called lichens?

[15:52] Just call them werewolves, dude.

[15:53] Because they're impossible not to like.

[15:54] Yeah.

[15:58] That would be great.

[15:59] If there's a fundamental misunderstanding of that script and they have a bunch of just green things growing on logs and it's like, I don't know why they're fighting vampires.

[16:11] We got a problem here.

[16:13] Mr. Kate Beckinsale, we got a problem here.

[16:15] Our special effects department really didn't understand the script.

[16:20] And we don't have the money to change it.

[16:22] After seeing a vampire punching logs.

[16:25] Directors like, Kate, I know that the catsuit you're wearing was already carrying most of the movie, but we're going to need to do a little extra work today.

[16:36] So there's this pact.

[16:38] Everything's going hunky-dory fine.

[16:40] Every now and then Vin Diesel has to go slap some knowledge on some witches.

[16:44] He lives in a rad bachelor pad full of weapons and old-timey trinkets and artifacts.

[16:49] He's got a fucking pool table in his apartment, dude.

[16:53] Whoa!

[16:54] He's living the dream.

[16:55] And he spends his time repairing old pocket watches.

[16:58] I'm kind of surprised that he and Michael Caine don't dance on a giant floor keyboard.

[17:05] And so Michael Caine is his handler, his most recent handler.

[17:09] And he repairs pocket watches.

[17:11] You know that character would be painting little fucking Warhammer dudes.

[17:16] He probably was like, character's going to need a hobby.

[17:19] Maybe I paint Warhammer figures.

[17:22] They're like, well, I've got to do something with my hands.

[17:25] Okay, why don't you repair pocket watches?

[17:27] But it's okay when I perform it.

[17:29] I'm going to pretend I'm painting Warhammer figures.

[17:32] Sure.

[17:33] It's not a good Vin Diesel impression.

[17:34] Just don't make the sound effects.

[17:35] Just please don't do the effects of the sounds of them fighting while you paint.

[17:38] Yeah, yeah.

[17:39] Of course you do that.

[17:40] Okay, Vin.

[17:41] Let's stop the tape.

[17:42] Remember, those are watches.

[17:43] You shouldn't be describing the characters and then saying dialogue about them.

[17:49] No, no.

[17:50] I was just thinking that.

[17:51] I was just thinking that.

[17:52] It's so hard for me not to enunciate better than Vin Diesel does in this movie.

[17:57] It's so hard to hear him at different points.

[17:59] And there are Vin Diesel performances, let me just say, that I like in past movies.

[18:05] I don't hate Vin Diesel.

[18:07] I didn't like it when he was hitting on that reporter.

[18:09] That was really creepy and weird.

[18:12] But just looking at his work.

[18:14] Yeah, using his body of work to inform you on the qualities of the man, Vin Diesel.

[18:19] Exactly.

[18:21] You were just telling us how much you love the character Dominic Toretto.

[18:25] From The Fast and the Furriest?

[18:28] The Furriest.

[18:29] From Fast and Furriest?

[18:30] Yeah.

[18:32] So let's just do the plot of the movie.

[18:34] Oh, okay.

[18:35] It's super dumb.

[18:36] So Michael Caine is retiring as his handler.

[18:39] And he says, what would you do if this was your last?

[18:42] What's it all about?

[18:43] What's it all about, Vin Diesel?

[18:45] Why do we fall, Master Witch Hunter?

[18:49] And he's got some mission for him the next day.

[18:53] He's going to retire, and Elijah Wood is going to take over as Vin Diesel's handler.

[18:58] He's an up-and-coming young priest.

[18:59] But Michael Caine's character is murdered by witches.

[19:04] And now Vin Diesel is going to have to solve the mystery with the help of his sidekick, Elijah Wood.

[19:08] Except Elijah Wood kind of disappears from the movie for most of it.

[19:12] To go model turtlenecks, I guess.

[19:14] Yeah.

[19:15] He's always wearing turtlenecks with blazers over them.

[19:18] And it looks like either—

[19:20] Either he's wearing a fencing outfit, or he's on a sailing vessel.

[19:25] He's either a sea captain for a cruise ship, or he is—

[19:27] Or he is in a new relationship that is very hickey-heavy.

[19:32] Or he is a professional ball player in the 70s on a date.

[19:38] Just turtleneck with a blazer over it.

[19:40] Maybe he's Leonard Nimoy hosting a special about the paranormal.

[19:44] Maybe he's Elliot Gould now all the time.

[19:48] But Elijah Wood kind of disappears.

[19:50] But he explains, we met before when I was a kid.

[19:53] Witches burned my parents' house down, and you saved me.

[19:56] Which raises the question, what did your parents do that your witches wanted to kill you?

[20:00] burn your house down. We learn the answer later. Now there's something about Elijah

[20:03] Wood that's a little off. This is just naturally part of Elijah Wood's persona and his presence.

[20:08] It really works in some movies. It doesn't work so much in movies like Lord of the Rings

[20:12] where he plays this ethereal drug addict named Frodo or even in The Trust, the movie we watched

[20:18] with Nicolas Cage where he's playing a character who is also on drugs. It's just kind of like

[20:23] a little off.

[20:24] Now, unfortunately, in a movie like this, it's one of those movies where the minute

[20:27] you see him, you're like, oh, it's going to turn out he's a bad guy, right? And you

[20:31] don't learn that until six minutes before the movie's over, but you still know it.

[20:36] Yeah. I mean, if he had been in the movie more and had more things to do in the movie,

[20:43] maybe we wouldn't have suspected him.

[20:45] Yes. Now, they find a witch who seems to be related to, who seems to have caused the crime.

[20:51] And Vin Diesel thinks he's been working with other witches. But the witch council, which

[20:55] is entirely made up of, I think, G.E. Smith's band from Saturday Night Live, they don't

[21:02] want to investigate any further, and they condemn this lone man-witch to, which I realize

[21:10] now is not the word for that. It's a warlock. A man-witch is like, what, like canned meat

[21:14] or something?

[21:15] It's what's for dinner, dude. It's like a Sloppy Joe, a Sloppy Joe man-witch.

[21:19] It's a Sloppy Joe's brother, Neat and Tidy Joe.

[21:22] Fuck off.

[21:24] Wait, why are they related?

[21:25] Because of Bazooka Joe.

[21:26] I feel like there's a goofus and gallant thing in, like, Sloppy Joe and Clean Joe Sandwich.

[21:33] Sloppy Joe gets all over your clothes. Clean Joe is easy to wipe off.

[21:36] I can't believe they're related because of their first name.

[21:39] His first name is Sloppy. His last name is Joe.

[21:43] Oh, that makes more sense.

[21:45] The Joe family of sandwiches.

[21:48] Speaking of sandwiches, witches. And they punish this man-witch, sorry, punish this

[21:55] warlock by using a little metal scorpion to activate a giant stick-and-skull monster,

[22:02] which sucks him into hell, I guess, through his flaming maw.

[22:06] As soon as this effect started, I was like, fuck, you don't need to do more special effects

[22:11] movie. But then the monster is kind of cool, so I was okay with that.

[22:14] I mean, the monster's cool-looking. I mean, the only problem with it is it looks super CGI,

[22:18] but I don't know how you would do, like, a stick-and-skull monster that wouldn't be CGI.

[22:21] You'd do it as a puppet.

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:23] Exhibit A, the Dark Crystal. Remember those things that they send out to capture the...

[22:28] The Gartham?

[22:29] Yeah, the Gartham, thank you, that are essentially crab monsters?

[22:32] They're like giant cicadas.

[22:33] And sure, once you realize that it's just two legs with a bunch of floppy things attached

[22:37] to the puppeteer's legs to make it look like there's a lot of legs, it's not that realistic

[22:41] anymore, but I bet they could pull that off nowadays.

[22:44] I mean, you're talking to a big puppet fan, man. I'm a puppet man.

[22:48] Puppet fan, man.

[22:50] I'm a puppet master.

[22:52] Oh, do not make that claim.

[22:54] I'm a puppet master.

[22:55] Andreas Toulon will take his revenge.

[22:57] Now, that also implies that you cannot operate puppets. Is that the case?

[23:01] I mean, I've got a hand, don't I? I can stick that thing up someone's butt.

[23:05] That's not... Okay, that's a proctology... That's proctology mastery, that's not puppet mastery.

[23:11] So, Dan, if you open up the Dan-tionary, which is Dan's dictionary, and you look up puppetry...

[23:16] It's like an Ambrose Bierce thing.

[23:18] Puppetry noun, the act of sticking your hand up someone's butt.

[23:22] So anyway, but Vin Diesel's on the case, and he's suspicious, and what do you know,

[23:27] after a trip to a guy who's making...

[23:31] We find out the...

[23:32] Who's making bug cupcakes for people to eat...

[23:34] And we find out Michael Caine isn't dead. He's in a state of suspended animation, cursed by another witch.

[23:39] He's been cursed because they tried to get some information out of him, and he left a clue for Vin Diesel.

[23:43] Remember your death.

[23:45] I don't understand this on Michael Caine's part, because he clearly knew everything about...

[23:53] We haven't gotten to it yet, but the heart is what's keeping Michael Caine or Vin Diesel alive.

[23:57] It's what's keeping all of us alive.

[23:59] Now, what heart are you talking about, Dan?

[24:00] The heart of the witch.

[24:01] So the witch queen, they keep saying in the beginning, destroy her heart, and she'll be destroyed.

[24:05] It's like, yeah, that's everything. That's not just witches.

[24:08] If you destroyed my heart, I wouldn't be around anymore.

[24:11] Yeah, it's like saying, her one weakness is bullets.

[24:14] You know, the only thing that will kill her is the same things that kill other people.

[24:18] I mean, that was in ye olden days, Dan. I mean, that'd be some complicated magic.

[24:23] Their weakness is getting kicked in the gut.

[24:28] She only has a few weaknesses.

[24:30] Strangulation, drowning, fire, falling from high heights.

[24:34] If you just, like, squeeze her throat until she can't breathe anymore, she's dead.

[24:38] Cutting through her neck.

[24:40] Maybe making a small cut that gets infected.

[24:43] Doing a really cool pile driver.

[24:45] Doing a tombstone pile driver.

[24:47] Doing a suplex.

[24:49] Doing two suplexes.

[24:50] Now, let's say we had some kind of a motorized device, a mechanical horse, if you will.

[24:55] For lack of a better word, let's call it a motored cycle.

[24:58] And she was on that, and she was doing a very sharp turn.

[25:02] And it kind of tipped over, and she wasn't wearing a helmet.

[25:06] I guess we have those back now.

[25:08] She's not wearing one of those.

[25:10] And so there's a lot of brain trauma that could easily do it.

[25:14] Or at the very least, put her in a coma she might not get out of.

[25:17] And at that point, just stab her. Who knows?

[25:20] Just take her off life support.

[25:22] I think we don't have now, but in this hypothetical world I'm describing, it exists.

[25:27] If her prone body was being supported by a bunch of, I don't know, sticks and weeds and stuff,

[25:32] we would call that life support, I think.

[25:34] Now, here's, okay, we haven't yet discovered the new world.

[25:37] And, in fact, all we know is this world.

[25:39] So I'm just, I don't know where that phrase came from.

[25:41] But imagine they had some kind of leaf which you could dry out and then light fire to,

[25:45] and there was a pleasing smoke that came from it that you would inhale into your lungs.

[25:49] If you did that, and you're the witch.

[25:51] If the witch would do that for, say, years to the point that her lungs were affected.

[25:56] And, again, the industry says there's no scientific link between these two outcomes.

[26:01] But, you know what, I'm just going to go by anecdotal evidence on this one.

[26:05] That if she ingested enough of the smoke and hurt her lungs enough,

[26:08] that eventually that would give her, let's just call it emphysema, after emphys over there,

[26:15] who's one of our party.

[26:18] And his favorite drink, Zima.

[26:21] Also a thing we have, right?

[26:23] We have that, right?

[26:24] Along with boxes of Boku, which ye olde Richard Lewis has been shilling around the campfire.

[26:32] Now, if she gains this disease, then that would also kill her,

[26:36] and we would not have to worry about the witches anymore.

[26:39] Okay, we're ready to go and break.

[26:42] Let's kill this witch, everybody!

[26:44] This is the same level of exposition we get in almost every scene in this movie.

[26:47] This movie loves to explain things.

[26:49] So when Vin Diesel decides, I have to revisit the memory of my death when I was made immortal,

[26:54] and where else to do that but at a witch bar, an underground witch bar that serves witches,

[26:59] where there's a young English witch who owns it, I guess,

[27:02] and gives him a spell for going back into his memories.

[27:05] But if he gets hurt in his memories, then he gets hurt in real life.

[27:08] It's like Inception.

[27:09] There's a lot of dreamwalking in this.

[27:11] And what he learns from his death memories, eventually,

[27:15] after fighting a big bearded guy named Belial,

[27:18] is that it's in what's essentially the fight between Wolverine

[27:22] and the really heavy guy who can control mass in the Hellfire Club.

[27:26] Now I've got a question. Is that the White Bishop?

[27:28] Is he the White Bishop?

[27:30] I don't remember.

[27:31] I don't know. I can never remember their titles.

[27:33] I know Sebastian Shaw is the Black King, right?

[27:36] And Emma Frost is the White Queen because that's her name.

[27:39] And Selina is the Black Queen.

[27:41] But then there's…

[27:42] Is Pierce one of them?

[27:43] Pierce Brosnan?

[27:44] Yeah.

[27:45] Pierce Brosnan.

[27:46] Yeah, Pierce Brosnan is one of them.

[27:47] Elliot James Bond?

[27:48] That's how he got to be James Bond.

[27:50] He was a member of the mutants only Hellfire Club.

[27:52] Yep, and the Reavers had to sit off camera during the 007 movies.

[27:58] To protect him.

[27:59] Yep.

[28:00] Now I have a question.

[28:01] Sure. Lay it on me.

[28:02] Then I'll tell you the secret of why Vin Diesel's death needed to be remembered.

[28:06] Now…

[28:07] It involves a heart.

[28:09] So I, as often happens, was not paying attention for part of this movie.

[28:13] Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

[28:14] So how did…

[28:16] What were you doing?

[28:17] Michael Caine…

[28:18] Were you looking at Twitter?

[28:19] Was it Facebook?

[28:20] Were you just using an Etch-A-Sketch?

[28:21] Probably all those at the same time.

[28:23] Okay.

[28:24] But…

[28:25] Were you carefully trying to arrange the perfect bite of Chinese food on your spoon?

[28:29] I have to get as much umami in here as possible.

[28:33] Umami.

[28:34] Anyway…

[28:35] Just learned a little bit about Dan that I didn't want to know.

[28:37] So…

[28:38] So how did Michael Caine get across the idea that you need to go look at your past?

[28:44] He…

[28:45] So there's a book…

[28:46] I missed that bit.

[28:47] So he has a book that got left behind.

[28:49] And as often happens in these movies…

[28:51] So it was just a pile of clothes?

[28:53] What?

[28:54] No, wait, that's when somebody gets taken to heaven.

[28:56] Yeah, when they're raptured.

[28:57] Yeah.

[28:58] He left a…

[28:59] So in his apartment, where they investigated, he left behind a book in which, as often happens

[29:04] when you're dying, you have enough time to flip through the pages of a book and find the exact words you need

[29:09] and then put your bloody fingerprint on it to mark them.

[29:12] Okay.

[29:13] So he, with his bloody finger, marked the words, remember your death.

[29:16] And Vin Diesel, because he's amazing at skimming books, he's like Johnny Five from Short Circuit,

[29:20] he can just read a whole book just by flipping through the pages.

[29:22] Okay.

[29:23] He flipped through and found those blood marks almost instantly.

[29:25] Because I…

[29:26] I missed…

[29:27] Because I missed this, I was basically like, why did Michael Caine, instead of just being like,

[29:32] Hey, Vin Diesel, remember your death.

[29:34] He could have been like, Vin Diesel, the witch's heart is still out there.

[29:39] Go find it.

[29:40] Well, one, it's a secret that the witch's heart is still out there.

[29:42] Two, Michael Caine, they're not talking to him directly.

[29:45] He's in a death coma.

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:47] They're searching his stuff.

[29:48] So unless he left like an Obi-Wan Kenobi hologram behind.

[29:51] Right.

[29:52] Or I guess Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't leave a hologram.

[29:54] He gets a call.

[29:55] He shows up as a fucking force ghost.

[29:57] Unless he leaves a Mads Mikkelsen hologram.

[30:00] hologram behind with that doesn't come out and say here's what the thing you

[30:05] need to hit the Death Star is but tells you if you go to this place and you do a

[30:09] thing using some mecha gloves you'll be able to find the blueprints that have

[30:13] the shortcut to blowing up the Death Star again I could just tell you right

[30:17] now really what his real purpose is to make Saw Gerrera realize you know what I

[30:22] should stop fighting it's time for me to die in a fireball okay so you're saying

[30:27] that the point of how this came down is basically we need different video game

[30:30] levels that the hero has to go through till he gets to the end kind of yeah I

[30:34] mean we would call the movies now okay essentially a movie is just a is just a

[30:39] promotional tool for the video game based on the movie movies a video game

[30:42] for your mind I guess when you look at a video game is a movie is the laziest

[30:49] type of video game because there's no interaction to it it's like just

[30:53] watching your friend play or like if you could just yeah he's only mother

[30:57] they're watching Manchester by the sea be like why won't they do anything when

[31:01] I hit the X button he told him to fucking jump dude you're watching

[31:05] Manchester by the sea going like give me a turn yeah how come you get to keep

[31:09] playing as Casey I want to go back and do that bonus round where you fix the

[31:16] woman's plumbing Manchester by the sea video game entail anyway and I'm not

[31:24] saying if and it's not like an RPG or like a text-based adventure that's too

[31:28] easy it's gotta be like a sky scroll side-scrolling platformer just right if

[31:32] you haven't seen Manchester by the sea just ride that 15 second skip button for

[31:36] about 20 minutes yeah for all the spoilers for Manchester by the sea

[31:41] pretty big spoiler and there's a couple of spoilees yeah I mean the part where

[31:46] it turns out he's Batman what it wasn't Ben at all that's crazy

[31:50] yeah at the end where he shoots Jesse James in the back the twist where it

[31:54] turns out that Manchester is actually by the desert very strange it's a dune sea

[32:00] yeah that you're reading a book called Manchester by some guy who's

[32:06] pretentiously named himself the sea the letter C yeah and that's why it's for

[32:12] cookie and that's good enough for me no Manchester by the sea what if it was

[32:16] like a Street Fighter type fighting game yeah well I'm like is this fighting grief

[32:22] there's only two options for characters you can play yeah counters Michelle

[32:26] Williams and she's trying to like talk to him he's like no punch punch you're

[32:30] making me feel too many feelings punch punch side quest identify your brother's

[32:34] body in the morgue fighting game like that is that like the level where you

[32:40] were you like a car yeah that way you get points by beating up a car okay your

[32:45] story tricks the Street Fighter level that's based on the little movie after

[32:49] the black-or-white video by Michael Jackson where he's just beating up a car

[32:52] for some reason and people are like why is he doing that it's like he was a

[32:56] panther a moment ago are you I mean I'm just glad he's taking a human form again

[33:01] I was just watching The Simpsons 15 minutes ago and now this is happening

[33:05] living in this strange world I can never I remember as a kid I mean fucking bad

[33:13] right he explained to us how bad he was at that lane come on he told us to beat

[33:18] it mm-hmm it was a thriller he's a smooth criminal I mean it's all right

[33:25] there in front of us all he wants to say is that you don't really care about us

[33:28] yep follow the breadcrumbs hey remember the times that was afterwards that came

[33:32] later sure but it's still him right I think he's not the one where he like

[33:38] morphs out of a like us like it's ancient Egypt yeah hey look it's all

[33:43] ancient history mm-hmm moving on so Vin Diesel in the mirror Vin Diesel picks up

[33:50] a sidekick a new sidekick Elijah Wood just wasn't cutting it as a sidekick so

[33:54] he picks up this young English lady witch and he learns that the heart that

[33:59] he thought was destroyed from the Queen witch if it if they had destroyed it it

[34:03] would have killed him as well he's bonded to it magically so the axes and

[34:08] crosses church has been keeping it around so that he can fight witches for

[34:11] centuries yeah the the main guy lied to Vin Diesel and instead he took that

[34:16] heart and he just stuck it in his pocket mm-hmm more heart for me and when when

[34:21] Stu says stuck in his pocket he literally stuck it in his pocket yeah

[34:24] took a witch's heart and just slipped it into his robe pocket as if like

[34:29] they like no one saw that right that was like back in the day when dudes would

[34:33] just walk around with like a sausage wrapped in wax paper in their pocket

[34:38] could you imagine if you like bumped into some fucking dude and he just pulls

[34:44] a sausage wrapped in wax paper out the pocket starts gnawing on that thing

[34:49] wax paper were they were people making and buying in the 13th century I don't

[34:55] know it was a pretty important commodity though right paper they had wax they

[35:00] just you know like they just left that thing wet in their pocket yeah I think

[35:05] so oh man it was a gross time everyone was dying so that's what I'm saying like

[35:10] a fucking crazy witch heart that is totally CGI so it's not that gross

[35:14] you're right it's not mushy or it was basically a big cinder at that point but

[35:19] still and then I'll keep him warm I'm not putting no witch heart in my coat

[35:25] okay I don't have your objection is noted I won't ask you to carry a witch

[35:29] heart in your coat Dan thank you I'm glad I know that now so I don't have the

[35:34] embarrassment of trying to get you to carry my witch heart and you telling me

[35:38] no look I love you guys there with a witch heart that I can't get carried

[35:41] but there are limits man so he's got to destroy the heart he has to find out

[35:49] where the heart is the answer home homes always where the heart is but not in

[35:53] this movie and to make a long story short I'm in San Francisco be fair good

[35:58] okay some people leave their hearts there the lost and found you ever been

[36:01] to lost and found in San Francisco piles of hearts it's disgusting

[36:05] ironically also the grocery stores in San Francisco also have piles of beef

[36:10] hearts in them I mean it's ironic because San Francisco sold its cows in

[36:22] order to get it but then someone got them beef hearts as a gift

[36:27] now he got his name he just he's just very generous with beef heart Johnny

[36:38] Appleseed that's also what got him promoted through the ranks just going

[36:44] around leaving beef hearts around and everyone and he's like none of these

[36:49] beef hearts are grown in a beef heart tree is you people are doing it wrong

[36:52] someone catch that guy take him to the fucking sanitarium and there was only

[36:56] one guy who is tough enough to catch him a bounty hunter by the name of Zappa

[37:00] now you're gonna say Boz Skaggs and his two henchmen Deacon Blues and Kid

[37:07] Charleby okay sure Steely Dan song okay all right I'm not a big Steely I don't

[37:14] really know Steve you're not a Steely fan what about you Steely Dan last

[37:19] witch hunter is beer overflowing that's okay not as much as last time yeah you're

[37:32] like that's okay I don't live here I don't give a shit if it's covered in

[37:37] beer yeah it's not like a fucking mogwai is gonna run up lick it and turn into a

[37:41] gremlin later he'll be a drunk grim wait hold on a second wait so that counts as

[37:45] food I thought you were gonna say but I thought you say about getting him wet

[37:49] and then he multiplies it counts as both right that's amazing it's beer yeah it's

[37:57] a good I have a spec script for gremlins three it's in a brewery and Billy is

[38:03] like why did we take the gizmo to this brewery tour mm-hmm he's a he's a he

[38:07] doesn't even drink he's a real hotbed anyway he's a homebrewer he needs a

[38:13] hobby yeah he's left at home all day he's gotta do something you tell my

[38:19] gizmo now it's all I guess he has a job Elliot

[38:24] so I did gizmo like very like we're really punching in and punching out gonna

[38:31] write his memoirs come on I'd read those you're telling me you wouldn't

[38:39] well what his memoirs because I'm trying to sit here and well there'd be like

[38:44] mogwai days or something like that book would be like the young Indiana Jones

[38:47] Chronicles but with gizmo like getting adventures so it's what him like

[38:51] fighting in World War one but with very realistic CGI backgrounds so it's like

[38:57] it's just like don't get me wet with him like shrugging it's like it's not my

[39:02] fault it's called don't wet the small stuff and it's and that and the cover

[39:07] photo is him and you just see people's legs next to him cuz he's so short and

[39:10] he's like hey yeah are you there stripe it's me gizmo where were we so we were

[39:19] the witch gets brought back to life by belly all the guy who was set up as the

[39:23] villain in the movie but really isn't he's only in a couple scenes and Vin

[39:26] Diesel just defeats this witch by shooting him he throws a knife through

[39:30] his neck oh that's right he did the witch is trying to shoot him because

[39:34] with all the magic at his command he decides a sawed-off shotgun is the

[39:37] better way to try to get the immortal witch hunter but the witch comes back

[39:41] the Queen witch Vin Diesel's got a stopper because in a couple days her big

[39:46] hive of soul-stealing flies that take over people's minds will erupt out of a

[39:53] church in the middle of New York mm-hmm they have to walk through some dreams

[39:56] to do it yeah yeah there's an elaborate

[40:00] if those that is not worth getting into

[40:02] it comes down to the final moments are three favorite characters

[40:06] vindy's allah switch on her

[40:08] uh... elijah would captain turtleneck in

[40:11] and the lady and a and lady when the lady barkeep hello we i think her name

[40:15] that's i think it i think you're right i could not remember who has one really

[40:18] great moment when vindy's was suiting up

[40:21] and that she has she says like

[40:24] who says that which can't hunt other which is and then does is a move with

[40:27] their hand like she's supposed to be spinning a knife

[40:30] the night that's not spin at all i think they're like well i didn't post

[40:33] they don't have it in post

[40:35] and then these are looks at her

[40:36] i think it's supposed to be a like unknowing look like

[40:39] uh... opens he just looks at her like

[40:42] would you like to sit in my q what's

[40:45] i think they're going on the line in the scene is that is that anything

[40:49] now that

[40:50] we have time but chloe a lot she's just been following the diesel around

[40:53] sometimes she helps them

[40:54] sometimes reminds him of what's important to him which is

[40:57] is wife and child which we see in

[41:00] so if anyone seen the movie the pawnbroker which is a heart-breaking

[41:03] film starring rod steiger

[41:05] where he is a holocaust survivor

[41:07] was haunted by memories of his wife and his daughter who he lost

[41:11] in the holocaust

[41:12] and now he's and that he's reacted to that by withdrawing within himself

[41:16] i don't know why but that has somehow been filtered through into action movies

[41:21] as a it's now the shorthand words like

[41:23] this guy if you want to make it uh... the tough guys seem justified

[41:29] give them a wife and child and then imply that they died at some point or

[41:32] just you were murdered by somebody and it's like this justifies

[41:36] absolute force and it's one it's the weird thing of like we're given no

[41:40] reason to care about his family ever

[41:42] and every flashback we see he's wearing that goofy beard and goofy hair

[41:46] unit he is

[41:47] he's not a man who looks natural with the beard

[41:49] and send you a message and probably like he's dandeling the baby and you

[41:54] you just keep

[41:55] hoping that the baby's gonna grab that there are a lot of women you mean the

[41:58] baby that

[41:59] he's he's holding his arms one moment and the shots shifts like that and he's

[42:04] like a holding a bunch of a lot of stuff

[42:06] uh... he's horrified

[42:10] i gave birth to logs and it's a i didn't give birth to logs but

[42:14] you know what i mean

[42:15] to judge by his memories all he did with his family was hang around a

[42:19] stream and twirl them and that was his whole life before i guess he got into

[42:23] the witch hunting biz which in a way that that would be like if Luke

[42:27] Skywalker spent all of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi like

[42:31] complaining that he wasn't shitting around on a moisture farm

[42:35] like clearly Luke's life improved um... I

[42:39] I'm gonna take issue with you here. He got to meet his dad

[42:43] he got his hand replaced with a dope ass metal hand. That's true. He met Jabba the Hutt

[42:48] What's that guy's deal? He's like a giant slug.

[42:51] As someone with a family I will say that as cool as

[42:56] being an immortal witch hunter would be I think it would not make up for losing my family

[43:03] uh... and that's why he feels guilty because in his heart he felt that before

[43:06] they died

[43:07] well he was like I'd be such a good witch hunter

[43:09] I'd be able to really dedicate myself to witch hunting if I didn't have these

[43:11] responsibilities. But like nothing in his performance or story

[43:16] other than in these flashbacks indicates that he is anything but

[43:20] loving it. Yeah, that being a witch hunter in the twenty-first century is

[43:24] the best thing that ever happened to him. He's got a fuckin' pool table in his living room, dude.

[43:30] And he's in like a fancy apartment building. That shit must have been heavy to carry up.

[43:34] You think he did it? Hell yeah, dude. He's super tough.

[43:38] I feel like for like some sort of significant birthday for Stewart

[43:43] we just need to pool our money and buy him a pool table.

[43:46] That's what he wants, clearly.

[43:48] Or just like a framed glossy that's autographed by Vin Diesel.

[43:53] Of him playing pool.

[43:55] Give me that six by ten.

[43:58] Some Flophouse fan, you better get us a photograph of Vin Diesel playing pool somewhere.

[44:03] And don't grab it off the internet, you take a picture of him in a pool hall.

[44:07] And if he's dressed in his last witch hunter costume, which is just his regular clothes, go ahead.

[44:12] You know he shows up to pool halls in like a dope-ass international male leather coat.

[44:18] Or like a mesh sleeveless shirt.

[44:21] And with a pool cue that he has to like screw five parts together.

[44:27] Or it's like it comes all bent and he goes like this and goes whew!

[44:32] And just whips it out and goes clack clack clack clack clack!

[44:35] And it turns into one stiff pool cue.

[44:37] But it's like Daredevil's Billy Club, it folds up into a bunch of little pieces.

[44:41] And you've got some like silent blind guy behind him and you're like whoa, that guy's got to be crazy.

[44:46] And the guy like blesses his cue with some kind of weird magic.

[44:50] Exactly.

[44:53] So they're at the final witch battle with the queen witch.

[44:57] Elijah Wood, it turns out, was a bit of a spy the whole time.

[45:01] He says those parents who burned my house down, those witches who burned my house down, those were my parents.

[45:07] But I was born without magic and now that I've helped the witch queen.

[45:10] Which really, like that must be a recessive trait to non-magic if two witches have a baby, right?

[45:16] I mean do you think it's more common for boy children to not have magic?

[45:21] What do you think?

[45:23] There's plenty of male witches in the movie.

[45:25] Or man-witches.

[45:26] The man-witches.

[45:27] They're delicious.

[45:29] Do you think that it was a choice for him to have the turtleneck all the time because he was burnt?

[45:34] Do you think that they actually like thought that through?

[45:37] Maybe.

[45:39] It's also stylish.

[45:41] Yeah, it also looks great.

[45:43] I mean genuinely that's a look that I would like to have come back in full force.

[45:47] Turtlenecks under blazers.

[45:49] I think it looks pretty cool.

[45:51] Mainly because you look like the evil president of America in a movie made in the 1970s, but still.

[45:56] Or you look like someone who's trying to shut down Animal House.

[46:00] I mean I would love to shut down Animal House.

[46:02] Those people are assholes.

[46:05] I'm not putting a value judgment on it.

[46:07] I'm just saying that's what you look like.

[46:08] I mean I'm putting a value judgment against the members of Animal House.

[46:12] Yeah, what's their fraternity called?

[46:14] Like Kappa Douche?

[46:16] They're a bunch of jerks.

[46:17] Alright.

[46:18] I don't belong to that fraternity.

[46:20] I don't know why you're so taking all this out on me.

[46:23] I mean I'm not taking it out on you.

[46:25] You're getting pretty defensive.

[46:26] You're just talking about how much you love Animal House and you think it's not racist at all.

[46:29] I don't understand.

[46:30] Just because I have this tattoo on my arm doesn't mean that I'm racist.

[46:32] It says Viva Animal House.

[46:34] It says Bluto Life.

[46:37] Because I have that fucking Bluto poster on my wall.

[46:40] Or he's wearing the poster sweatshirt that says college.

[46:43] Yeah.

[46:44] Along with the two girls kissing and one that says is your washroom breathing Bolsheviks?

[46:48] It's all up on my wall.

[46:49] And the poster that says everything I learned in college and it's all different beer cans.

[46:53] Yeah, and I got Einstein sticking his tongue out over it.

[46:56] What happened was a witch grabbed Dan and cursed him to keep those posters on his walls forever.

[47:01] That's why you've got that Jenny McCarthy as Santa Claus' daughter?

[47:06] Yeah.

[47:07] Poster.

[47:08] I don't even remember that one.

[47:09] Oh, that was one that was in the CD store poster racks when I was growing up.

[47:13] Like the Sam Goody.

[47:15] You know how they sold posters in CD stores?

[47:17] Yep.

[47:18] They would change their poster selection, but there was always one that was like Jenny McCarthy in a bikini with a Santa hat on.

[47:24] Year-round was just part of the selection.

[47:27] And I don't know if it's because—

[47:28] Year-round, but she's got a Santa hat on.

[47:30] Exactly.

[47:31] I don't know if it was because it was their best seller or their worst seller.

[47:33] They just could not move it.

[47:35] Because I'll tell you, those Spuds McKenzie posters, they could not keep on the shelves.

[47:39] They changed them all the time.

[47:40] Yeah, they were very seasonal.

[47:41] They were so seasonal.

[47:44] He was holding that day's newspaper in every poster.

[47:47] Because he had been kidnapped.

[47:49] Or I guess he wanted to prove he was from the future.

[47:53] Sure.

[47:55] Yeah, yeah.

[47:57] He was in an early version of the TV show Early Edition.

[48:02] It was called Early, Early Edition.

[48:05] So Elijah Wood turns on Vin Diesel and the Witch Queen—

[48:11] And you're like, this fight is going to be good.

[48:13] And the Witch Queen says, no, if you were born without magic, that just makes you a human, and she kills Elijah Wood.

[48:19] So he got played in the shade.

[48:22] Meanwhile, the Witch Queen—

[48:24] This turnabout only matters because the Witch Queen shows up, and Vin Diesel is like,

[48:29] okay, I'm going to slow motion slash this thing afire.

[48:33] Now my sword is on fire.

[48:35] And then he just beats the shit out of her with his flaming sword.

[48:37] It's not even close.

[48:38] Yeah, the way that he manages to defeat the evil Witch Queen, who has, I guess, bedeviled the earth for centuries,

[48:44] is by stabbing her in the heart with the sword.

[48:47] He throws the fucking sword into her.

[48:48] He takes a sword from his closet that he could have been using the whole movie,

[48:52] and then just throws it at her and stabs her in the heart.

[48:55] The end.

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:57] And all the flies, at least, just fall to the ground as Michael Caine looks on smiling.

[49:02] It's one of these movies where you're like, well, I guess this could have been resolved in ten minutes

[49:06] if you just found the witch earlier.

[49:08] All it takes is fighting the witch, which was the plan from the beginning.

[49:13] If only there was a reaction shot of a couple dining al fresco in New York on this lovely summer day.

[49:20] Only to have an entire wave of dead flies land upon their pizza pie.

[49:26] Here's what would happen.

[49:27] There's a guy – if this movie was made in the late 80s, here's what would happen.

[49:32] The flies would – there would be a guy – you would see a guy eating soup at a natural cafe,

[49:37] and he'd look up scared as this wave of flies cover the sun and blacken the skies,

[49:43] and people are running, ah, and he's just sitting there in shock.

[49:46] And then meanwhile Vin Diesel solves the whole problem, and then the flies fall,

[49:51] and one of them falls in his soup, and he'll go, waiter, there's a fly in my soup,

[49:56] and then a ton of flies would fall on his soup.

[49:58] And the waiter is played by Ed Beegley.

[50:00] you know i think he had been leading to the dog version of ed begley to do

[50:04] it was like a william weigman yeah i was just a little over danger of a dog

[50:08] dressed up as ed begley junior driving an electric car

[50:12] it's a regular robert dangerfield situation the sequel ed begley junior

[50:17] their likes this it turns out

[50:19] and they would you just doesn't have their memorable mannerisms that rodney

[50:22] dangerfield has who was robert dangerfield for like do you think

[50:27] adults were like this fucking cartoon is going to be raw as fuck

[50:30] he is it has to be like ralph bakshi was the original creator

[50:38] yeah and then they kicked him off and brought in don blue now so i mean the

[50:43] other thing they would do if this is an 80s movie is vin diesel would then walk

[50:47] out of the broken church with chloe with them and there'd be a crowd outside

[50:50] chanting which hunter which hunter which hunter and they'd kiss right in front of

[50:55] the crowd

[50:56] cue rap and then there's a little slow pan out on new york and then a last

[51:02] which would fly i mean this is just the ending of ghostbusters and it's not that

[51:07] far from the ending of the movie we just watched yeah and so in the end a

[51:11] different like pan out on new york that they're like saxophone music

[51:14] basically the romance of the stone thing so then we forgot to mention is

[51:26] that Vin Diesel lost his immortality at a certain point in the movie

[51:29] that was actually something i thought was kind of cool in that when the witch

[51:33] first back in the olden days when the witch first grab in diesel and gave him

[51:38] his curse later on its revealed that his curse was actually her storing her

[51:44] immortality inside him and that later on when they are reunited she takes it back

[51:51] from him

[51:52] reunited and it feels so bad what you kind of make sense because at up until

[51:56] this point there was nothing about his immortality that seemed like a curse

[52:00] no he was fucking living and he had wolverine healing powers

[52:04] sorry you're saying is living it up what do you have in his apartment he was

[52:08] living it up but what he had something specific in his apartment that really

[52:12] symbolizes was it was a collection of really cool swords and watches kind of

[52:18] recreational table of a kind that he had this apartment meaning a lot of really

[52:22] nice shirts and he drove an ass in martin

[52:25] oh he had a pool table yep the only way he could have been coolers if he had an

[52:30] actual pool in his apartment which maybe he did we didn't see the whole thing

[52:34] mm-hmm but uh he's got one of those robert de niro apartments where it cost

[52:37] $100,000 a month to rent it what now what that sign photo of Vin Diesel to

[52:43] say too cool for pool

[52:45] two stewards all the way at the bottom

[52:50] yeah that's right usually the two goes at the top I wanted to play by your rule

[52:54] I wanted to be signed welcome to my pool notice there's no pee in it except in

[52:59] the picture he's peeing on the pool table that's crazy

[53:02] oh man been always keeping me on my toes and in the end it's the it were led to

[53:07] believe that Vin Diesel has left the axe and cross society now love you make now

[53:12] he kills which is now let me finish this dumb movie now he kills witches for

[53:17] himself but Michael Caine still gonna work with him and he's still super rich

[53:21] so effectively his life has not changed at all except now he's got a sidekick in

[53:24] the form of Chloe the vampire who kills other vampires she's like the Dexter of

[53:29] vampires if you will which is but it's the same thing and well yeah I thought

[53:35] I meant which is whatever stupid mythological thing has a secret society

[53:42] below the earth I mean was written by the underworld guy I don't know I think

[53:48] that what this do at one point I thought it was written by David Mamet yeah you

[53:52] know was written by a David Mammoth

[53:57] we gotta do a new Flintstones now where they go to a play by David Mammoth it's

[54:11] called Glen Gary Glen rock yeah guys the guy wrote this also wrote he didn't

[54:22] write the original underworld he wrote 2006 16th underworld blood wars but he

[54:29] also in theaters now right also wrote flop house film priest remember that one

[54:34] I wasn't here for that one that was that me priest was the futuristic priest

[54:40] killing vampires movie right yeah oh and the one of the other writers of this

[54:44] wrote Dracula untold and gods of Egypt so this is a it's a cavalcade of flop

[54:50] house screenwriters I know in early at one point when this movie is first in

[54:54] development it was gonna be directed by Timmer Bambam camp or whatever

[54:59] no dude nightwatch who did ever the Bamka time catch up yeah tender the app

[55:06] is gonna be directed by tinder yeah so of course the movie ends that pans back

[55:13] we're and we we go to credits and the credits immediately started with this

[55:24] really sick-ass club version of paint it black oh yeah and that's it that's the

[55:30] movie so but also I was gonna say there's a there's a power the bloopers

[55:35] and there were no bloops no no bleeps no bloops the bloops no no poops we

[55:43] have to assume I mean off the set I'm sure they were pooping yeah more than

[55:48] one day to do this oh they didn't do it on set maybe for the German version of

[55:54] the film put it up on the big fucking signs like one rule on this set no poop

[55:59] yes this is our set notice there's no poop in it there's that's the thing

[56:04] about Texan subtext guys as long as nobody's tells you that nobody's pooping

[56:09] on set you can only assume they are pooping like there's nothing in the

[56:12] rulebook that says I can't poop on the set like actually there it is fun there's

[56:17] a rule about that you what is there a rule book for movie sets Dan I mean

[56:22] there's a little bit there's like there's safety rules there's lots of

[56:27] Hollywood Doc Hollywood so there's a scene where they go to a bakery and it

[56:36] turns out it's actually a witch runs it and he's been putting bugs in the

[56:39] cupcakes and Stuart made a made a comment about like oh it's so men in

[56:44] blackish and like yeah this movie is like underworld slammed with men in

[56:48] black but like without the imagination of men of black I guess where there's

[56:52] the idea of the same way that like the Hellboy movies never quite do it for me

[56:56] because it feels a little too much like they're just doing men in black yeah

[57:00] he's like I just want to make a bunch of Mos Eisley cantina yeah like this feels

[57:04] like that to a certain summer it's like oh look at this hidden world going on

[57:08] all around you except it's pretty boring it's not actually that interesting or

[57:13] exciting this hidden world it's just it's like we're gonna do the same shit

[57:17] that we normally do but there's gonna be magical floating lights there's gonna be

[57:20] a lot of glowy things that are CGI in the air so let's do final judgments

[57:25] whether this was a good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie we kind of liked

[57:31] I'm gonna go first and I'm gonna say it's a bad bad movie it captured my

[57:36] interest less than home sweet hell last last time's movie I we didn't even get

[57:44] to the scene with the witch fashion show yeah my attention drifted so far but I

[57:52] had to paddle back to shore continue watching this was kind of a lazy lake

[57:59] inner tube yeah floating thing then there was probably a certain point where

[58:04] Dan woke up saw that he was out of sight of us yeah I'm outside of land and had

[58:11] to be able to see quickly had to be I mean this already sounds like a more

[58:14] exciting movie than what we watched yeah so yeah I did not care for this movie it

[58:19] bored me I'm gonna give it a bad bad too cuz it was boring and you know I'm

[58:23] gonna change things up guys say it's a bad bad movie twist and that's the last

[58:31] witch-hunter folks going into a bullseye interview I know that it's somebody who

[58:39] does amazing work I don't know what's gonna happen oh that's interesting I

[58:46] never thought about that is that possible that's possible yeah so I check

[58:52] with your therapist no but I will be who are you do you all over the place I got

[58:59] a lot of respect for you man that's that's dope bullseye creators you know

[59:02] creators you need to know find it at maximum fun org or wherever you get

[59:08] podcasts the first ever very very fun day is coming to tally Hall in Chicago

[59:14] on February 11th with media sponsorship from WBEZ 91.5 advanced tickets are sold

[59:20] out but you'll have a limited number of tickets for sale at the door so come on

[59:24] out for a day jam-packed with five great max fun podcasts for local shows and a

[59:29] comic showcase for more information please visit maximum fun org slash very

[59:34] very fun day but favorite word where we honor our fine sponsors first off zip

[59:48] recruiter are you hiring yeah you know where to post your job I think Dan

[59:54] dee sarcasm it by allowed 45%

[1:00:00] You can post your job to 200 plus job sites including social media networks like Facebook

[1:00:15] and Twitter all with a single click.

[1:00:30] Find candidates in any city or industry nationwide, just post once and watch your qualified candidates

[1:00:35] come rolling in to ZipRecruiter's easy-to-use interface.

[1:00:53] How long is it before they introduce their mascot, ZipRecruiter, a cool teen looking

[1:00:58] for a job or to hire people?

[1:01:00] I think that we've just anthropomorphized Zipper.

[1:01:04] Yeah, maybe that's it.

[1:01:06] He's a zipper with a face.

[1:01:08] And a cool attitude.

[1:01:09] So I feel like it's a little suggestive, a zipper.

[1:01:15] It could be a zipper on a coat, Dan, or a boot, just because there's a penis behind

[1:01:21] it doesn't mean it's a zipper.

[1:01:22] Because when you unzip it, all these good candidates come spilling out.

[1:01:27] Of the crotch, of the pants.

[1:01:30] So Dan, ZipRecruiter.com, where do I go for that?

[1:01:33] Well, probably to ZipRecruiter.com, right?

[1:01:35] ZipRecruiter.com.

[1:01:36] Well, you go to your computer or mobile device.

[1:01:40] Press on, wait for it to start up.

[1:01:43] Siri.

[1:01:44] Siri.

[1:01:45] ZipRecruiter.

[1:01:46] My phone's going weird now.

[1:01:48] Alexa.

[1:01:51] Dan's skipping.

[1:01:52] Dan's trying to activate ZipRecruiter.

[1:01:53] Zapparowsdour.

[1:01:54] Zipper from Rescue Rangers.

[1:01:55] Dan, finish it.

[1:01:56] Finish it.

[1:01:57] And right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com

[1:02:01] slash first.

[1:02:02] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:02:03] One more time, to try for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:02:04] And we'll see you next time.

[1:02:05] Bye.

[1:02:06] Bye.

[1:02:07] Bye.

[1:02:08] Bye.

[1:02:09] Bye.

[1:02:10] Bye.

[1:02:11] Bye.

[1:02:12] Bye.

[1:02:13] Bye.

[1:02:14] Bye.

[1:02:15] Bye.

[1:02:16] Bye.

[1:02:17] Bye.

[1:02:18] Bye.

[1:02:19] Bye.

[1:02:20] ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:02:21] So, you're posting a job listing to hundreds of sites and posting places with one click

[1:02:29] for free?

[1:02:30] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:31] I didn't believe it could happen, but we're living in the 21st century, folks.

[1:02:33] Dear Penthouse, I didn't believe it could happen to me, but I posted my job to 200 sites

[1:02:40] with one click.

[1:02:41] Dear ZipRecruiter, I always thought your letters were fake, but you don't send letters.

[1:02:45] So I was thinking about something else.

[1:02:50] Signed a confused old man.

[1:02:52] Why do they publish this letter?

[1:02:56] I guess it's in the New Yorker.

[1:03:00] This is a weird Andy Borowitz humor piece.

[1:03:04] So, this is our other sponsor tonight, which is The Black Tux.

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[1:03:45] What was that again?

[1:03:46] TheBlackTux.com slash flop.

[1:03:49] I know what you're probably thinking.

[1:03:50] Okay.

[1:03:51] Lay it on me.

[1:03:52] What am I thinking?

[1:03:53] You're probably thinking, Dan probably doesn't have a lot of reasons to get dressed up in a tux.

[1:03:57] Or leave the house in the morning.

[1:03:59] People don't invite him to weddings.

[1:04:01] He has no reason to get super dolled up.

[1:04:03] What, is he going to go to the prom?

[1:04:04] That's gross.

[1:04:05] He's in his thirties.

[1:04:06] That's insane.

[1:04:07] So, but like, you know, Dan, every once in a while, you should just like surprise the

[1:04:12] world by just renting a tux.

[1:04:15] Or you could just put it on and lounge around the house.

[1:04:17] Yeah, like James Bond on vacation.

[1:04:19] Yeah.

[1:04:20] Like James Bond on Martin Luther King Day.

[1:04:23] Not going into work today.

[1:04:24] It's MLK Day.

[1:04:25] I guess I'll just sit around in my tuxedo.

[1:04:27] Yeah, shouldn't change my routine.

[1:04:29] I'm wearing my tuxedo jacket and no pants.

[1:04:32] Why not?

[1:04:33] You're at home.

[1:04:34] The pants are hanging carefully folded somewhere, right?

[1:04:37] Oh, sure.

[1:04:38] Yeah, of course.

[1:04:39] Yeah, they're not just pulled around Dan's ankles.

[1:04:42] Although they could be.

[1:04:44] But don't be.

[1:04:45] Yeah, but if they're pulled around his ankles, they'll get caught up in the rollerblades

[1:04:49] he's wearing.

[1:04:51] Wait, it's okay.

[1:04:52] He's on vacation, dude.

[1:04:53] He's wearing rollerblades, a tuxedo jacket, shirt, and bow tie, and no pants.

[1:04:58] Cumberbun.

[1:04:59] Is he wearing a helmet?

[1:05:01] I don't know, Dan.

[1:05:02] Do you wear a helmet when you rollerblade around the house?

[1:05:04] I mean, it would be safer.

[1:05:05] What am I, a fuckin' wuss?

[1:05:07] Wow.

[1:05:08] This CPAP machine is making Dan crazy.

[1:05:11] Dan, you are so much tougher when you're wearing just a tuxedo shirt and nothing else.

[1:05:17] My new look.

[1:05:18] That's what he wears when he goes to negotiate.

[1:05:21] Now, my imagination is that Dan, so he puts on just a tuxedo shirt and he says to himself,

[1:05:27] which routine is it today?

[1:05:29] Do I be Tom Cruise in Risky Business or Demi Moore in Striptease?

[1:05:32] And then he just figures out which one he wants to be.

[1:05:35] He keeps his options open.

[1:05:37] It's like when he goes to negotiate his contract at work.

[1:05:41] Yeah.

[1:05:42] Do I negotiate as Tom Cruise or Demi Moore?

[1:05:45] That's a good question.

[1:05:46] Stuart.

[1:05:47] Oh.

[1:05:48] Do you want to thank anyone for anything?

[1:05:49] Yeah, I want to, well, so every once in a while we get lovely things from the listeners

[1:05:55] and I am totally shitty at remembering everything I get, so I don't thank everybody.

[1:06:01] But Dan literally stuck this in my hands right before we recorded, so I would like to thank,

[1:06:07] I would like to thank Chad, last name withheld, who made me a, who was listening to an episode

[1:06:16] of another podcast on the Maximum Fun Network, of which we are a part, and you should go

[1:06:21] check it out.

[1:06:22] There's many great shows there.

[1:06:23] But he was listening to a different show, a show called The Adventure Zone, where I

[1:06:28] was a guest on the episode, and my character, yeah, that's right, folks, there's characters

[1:06:34] on this show.

[1:06:35] Characters are welcome.

[1:06:36] You're never going to believe what happens.

[1:06:38] But my character was holding a clipboard, just as Chad, last name withheld, was making

[1:06:47] some clipboards out of reclaimed wood, so because of this clearly divine provenance,

[1:06:54] he, provenance?

[1:06:55] Provenance?

[1:06:56] Provenance.

[1:06:57] Provenance.

[1:06:58] In this case.

[1:06:59] I've had a couple.

[1:07:00] Provenance is where it comes from.

[1:07:01] Provenance is where it comes from, yeah.

[1:07:03] Provenance would be like some sort of divine intervention.

[1:07:06] So, probably both apply.

[1:07:08] Yeah, provenance, provenance.

[1:07:09] Or maybe he was in Rhode Island.

[1:07:11] Who knows?

[1:07:12] Who knows?

[1:07:13] He was making these while I was...

[1:07:15] Check out the grave of H.P. Lovecraft.

[1:07:18] I don't know.

[1:07:20] So, he was making clipboards at the time while my character on that show, yes, once again,

[1:07:25] there's characters on the show.

[1:07:26] All right, wrap it up.

[1:07:27] Characters welcome, USA.

[1:07:28] Come on.

[1:07:29] Up all night.

[1:07:30] He sent me this very lovely reclaimed wood clipboard, which I will use to hold my show

[1:07:36] notes every time we do one of these episodes.

[1:07:38] Your show notes?

[1:07:40] Yeah.

[1:07:41] It is a beautiful clipboard, though.

[1:07:42] It is...

[1:07:43] It's very nice.

[1:07:44] You know, well woodworked.

[1:07:45] Of course.

[1:07:46] It's going to look nice with all my carefully planned out jokes written down on there.

[1:07:50] The test of the clipboard is in the clip, not the board.

[1:07:54] That's an old clipboardist saying.

[1:07:57] Mm-hmm.

[1:07:58] Mm, sounds nice.

[1:07:59] Well, I've always heard it's a poor clipboard that blames its clip.

[1:08:02] Uh, I mean, that's kind of the only part that makes it more than just a cutting board, so...

[1:08:08] Yeah, if this was...

[1:08:09] Your saying is incorrect.

[1:08:10] If this was a video game and you had to craft a clipboard, there's only, like, two items

[1:08:14] you'd have to find around the world.

[1:08:16] Yeah, board and a clip.

[1:08:18] And then there's a little animation of your character, like, duct taping them together.

[1:08:22] Yeah, and going, doo-doo-doo-doo, and raising it above its head.

[1:08:25] Dee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee.

[1:08:26] That's all the points being counted up.

[1:08:28] Dee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-lee-leen!

[1:08:31] All right.

[1:08:32] So now it's time.

[1:08:34] Uh, I have a Jumbotron.

[1:08:35] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[1:08:36] Sorry.

[1:08:37] There's a little thing called the Jumbotron.

[1:08:38] In fact, it's a big thing.

[1:08:39] J-u-b-b-o-t-r-o-n

[1:08:40] It's how you can get your message on the Flophouse.

[1:08:42] Just go to MaximumFun.

[1:08:44] You'll be able to get to the JumboTron.

[1:08:46] Dot org slash Jumbotron.

[1:08:47] MaximumFun dot org slash Jumbotron.

[1:08:49] Thank you, Dan.

[1:08:50] And...

[1:08:51] Follow the instructions.

[1:08:52] If you've got a personal message, if you've got a commercial message,

[1:08:55] whatever you want to do, we'll say it, if you pay us to say it,

[1:08:59] at the Jumbotron.

[1:09:00] We're your puppets.

[1:09:01] You can make us dance.

[1:09:02] Dan called himself the Puppet Master earlier.

[1:09:04] He is but a puppet in the hands of you,

[1:09:06] the ultimate Puppet Master.

[1:09:07] You have to put your hand up Dan's butt.

[1:09:09] Hey, want to get the chance to put your hands up Dan's butt?

[1:09:12] Enter our Dan's Butt Contest.

[1:09:14] The first person who writes in...

[1:09:16] Is just paying us money.

[1:09:18] ...writes an essay in 500 words or less...

[1:09:20] So I'm maybe a prosecutor?

[1:09:21] Write us an essay, 500 words or less,

[1:09:23] about what you would do with Dan's butt if your hand was in it.

[1:09:25] And whoever wins gets to fly,

[1:09:28] Dan will pay for the tickets,

[1:09:30] to New York,

[1:09:31] Dan will put you up at the Waldorf Astoria,

[1:09:34] and you'll get to put your hand in his butt.

[1:09:37] For up to how long? An hour?

[1:09:40] Sure.

[1:09:42] I'm trying to decide whether to shut this down or...

[1:09:45] Wait, is it a school day or a weekend?

[1:09:49] Well, that really depends on...

[1:09:51] Dan's the one who decides what the day it is.

[1:09:53] And also, relatives of Dan cannot enter the contest.

[1:09:56] Please don't either.

[1:09:58] Or employees of...

[1:10:00] McCoy Boy Industries.

[1:10:03] Yeah, I mean, that's a conflict of interest.

[1:10:04] Yeah, you can't do it.

[1:10:05] Anyway, also, the contest is not applicable in Tennessee.

[1:10:09] Sorry, Tennessee.

[1:10:10] Oh, yeah.

[1:10:10] Ooh.

[1:10:11] Anyway, so Jumbotron, it's your chance

[1:10:14] to get us to say something.

[1:10:15] In this case, here's our Jumbotron message.

[1:10:18] Me, me, me, me, me.

[1:10:22] In the spirit and with full encouragement of the Star Wars

[1:10:25] Minute comes the Indiana Jones Minute

[1:10:28] podcast, which is beginning its second season as we speak,

[1:10:32] covering the heart-ripping action of Indiana

[1:10:34] Jones and Temple of Doom one minute at a time.

[1:10:37] And this is just me interjecting.

[1:10:39] Compared to The Last Witch Hunter,

[1:10:40] which also involved a heart being ripped out of someone,

[1:10:42] Indiana Jones, The Temple of Doom is a much better movie.

[1:10:44] It's a masterpiece.

[1:10:45] If you may, uh, uh, I don't know if I go that far.

[1:10:47] In comparison to The Last Witch Hunter.

[1:10:49] OK.

[1:10:49] If you missed their first season,

[1:10:51] go to indianajonesminute.com or subscribe to iTunes, Google,

[1:10:56] Play, or whatever to download all 115 episodes of their Raiders

[1:11:00] of the Lost Ark coverage.

[1:11:01] So subscribe on iTunes, Google Play,

[1:11:03] or wherever podcasts are given away for free.

[1:11:06] The Indiana Jones Minute.

[1:11:08] Rated.

[1:11:09] I think it's PG.

[1:11:10] PG.

[1:11:11] IJ or Indiana Jones.

[1:11:12] I mean, Indiana Jones, The Temple of Doom

[1:11:14] was one of those movies that, wasn't the story

[1:11:16] goes, that it was rated PG.

[1:11:18] And they introduced the PG-13 rating because, like,

[1:11:20] that was one of the movies that inspired it.

[1:11:23] Indeed.

[1:11:24] Yeah, because, like, Teen Wolf was surfing on a fucking van,

[1:11:27] and you're like, no way.

[1:11:28] Was Bread Dawn the first one that was?

[1:11:29] Yeah, I think it was.

[1:11:30] No, Bread Dawn.

[1:11:31] Oh, Bread Dawn.

[1:11:32] It was about bakers, how they have to get up so early.

[1:11:34] Again, it's not even a joke.

[1:11:38] The things that you get away with, compared to the things you berate me for.

[1:11:42] You know why?

[1:11:43] Because I sell it, Dan.

[1:11:44] I sell it.

[1:11:45] Yeah, Dan, Bread Dawn.

[1:11:49] It's a baker way to get up.

[1:11:50] You're right, when you say it that way.

[1:11:52] I'm in the wrong.

[1:11:55] But now, moving on.

[1:11:58] Vamping?

[1:11:59] As I throw the other pieces of paper over my shoulder, it's time.

[1:12:04] Stephen Jay Connell style.

[1:12:08] They make a D for Dan behind me.

[1:12:12] This is the letter segment of the podcast, where we read letters from listeners.

[1:12:18] You're the listener.

[1:12:21] You're the reader of your letters from your listeners.

[1:12:26] Dan knows how to read, and he'll prove it to you.

[1:12:29] Despite those rumors you've heard about, Dan knows how to read.

[1:12:33] He learned it in school, because, hey, kids, it's cool to stay in school so you can read

[1:12:39] letters too on your podcast someday, or whatever the thing is they do in the future.

[1:12:45] When you grow up, maybe your words will get beamed into people's brains, or maybe society

[1:12:52] will crumble.

[1:12:53] You'll be left to tumble into an apocalyptic post-civilization time.

[1:12:58] Perhaps you're a shaman around a fire, and your ability to read these mystic runes from

[1:13:07] the time before the Great Reckoning is seen as magic.

[1:13:11] They'll either burn you, or they'll name you their king.

[1:13:14] I zoned out for a while, but I got pretty good.

[1:13:16] I like that one better than most.

[1:13:18] Letters from listeners.

[1:13:20] So this first letter is from Dave Lastname Wittel.

[1:13:22] Is that not, wait, but it's not my brother.

[1:13:26] No.

[1:13:27] Okay.

[1:13:28] Thank goodness.

[1:13:29] Dave Lastname Wittel.

[1:13:30] Dave Foley.

[1:13:31] Oh, I mean, I'm a huge fan of Dave Foley.

[1:13:32] He writes, I just had a spookily scarifying Flophouse experience that I had to share.

[1:13:37] I was driving home.

[1:13:38] Never thought it would happen to me.

[1:13:40] I was driving home from a vet appointment, and put on a half-listening...

[1:13:44] I never thought your movies were true.

[1:13:46] Well, they're not.

[1:13:47] I put on a half-listening to episode, which happened to be your excellent deconstruction

[1:13:51] of a movie I kind of liked, Unfriended.

[1:13:54] Just a few streets away from my house, and Stuart brings up his wish that the cyborg...

[1:13:59] Witch list?

[1:14:00] Stuart brings up his wish...

[1:14:02] Who would be on your witch list, by the way?

[1:14:04] Well, I definitely have a witch.

[1:14:09] Maybe the witch queen.

[1:14:11] Like Glinda?

[1:14:12] Would she be on there?

[1:14:13] Maybe the love witch?

[1:14:15] What about that witch that had the season of her?

[1:14:17] What about Teen Witch?

[1:14:18] I don't know if I could top that.

[1:14:22] See you guys!

[1:14:23] He motors off on his moped.

[1:14:29] Stuart cutting out after a successful punchline.

[1:14:32] So continue, Dan.

[1:14:33] Some kind of witch list?

[1:14:34] Stuart brings up his wish that the cyberghost of the film would make the room smell like

[1:14:40] poop when it possessed someone.

[1:14:42] We are really a bunch of morons, aren't we?

[1:14:45] The goofy delight Stuart takes in spouting stupidity, and his accompanying Scooby-Doo-esque

[1:14:51] giggle is the reason why he's my favorite flopper, so this had me laughing pretty hard.

[1:14:57] Until I started to smell poop.

[1:14:59] While the conversation of ghostly poop powers continued through the speakers, a terrible

[1:15:03] poopy smell filled my car.

[1:15:05] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1:15:06] For a brief moment, I thought that Dan had collaborated with John Waters and somehow

[1:15:10] created the world's first Odorama podcast.

[1:15:13] Then my thoughts became somewhat more rational, and I began to consider that I might be having

[1:15:17] a stroke.

[1:15:18] Then I remembered that my cat was on the backseat in his cat carrier.

[1:15:21] He'd pooped himself.

[1:15:22] I'm glad that Columbo went through all the possible outcomes.

[1:15:28] So on smells, if you could pick one film to smell.

[1:15:31] Well, Watson.

[1:15:32] Once we eliminate the impossible.

[1:15:33] Columbo and Watson?

[1:15:34] Once we eliminate the Harlem Globetrotters.

[1:15:35] Wait, now it's Scooby-Doo, too.

[1:15:36] Or Gilligan's Island.

[1:15:37] That's true.

[1:15:38] They got around.

[1:15:39] Watson, we've got to team up to stop Blofeld and the Joker.

[1:15:40] Wow, Alan Moore's writing this story.

[1:15:41] It's a new story.

[1:15:42] It's called League of Extraordinary.

[1:15:43] He's lost his mind.

[1:15:44] I don't know.

[1:15:45] There'd be a lot more.

[1:15:46] There'd be a lot more ratings.

[1:15:47] Oh, then they all have to get together.

[1:15:48] I don't know.

[1:15:49] I don't know.

[1:15:50] I don't know.

[1:15:51] I don't know.

[1:15:52] I don't know.

[1:15:53] I don't know.

[1:15:54] I don't know.

[1:15:55] I don't know.

[1:15:56] I don't know.

[1:15:57] I don't know.

[1:15:58] I don't know.

[1:16:00] called League of Extraordinary.

[1:16:01] He's lost his mind.

[1:16:02] I don't know.

[1:16:03] There'd be a lot more.

[1:16:04] There'd be a lot more rape and weird sex.

[1:16:05] Oh, then they all have sex.

[1:16:06] Yeah, then they all have sex with each other.

[1:16:08] So Alan Moore's a weird guy.

[1:16:09] Right?

[1:16:10] I don't know.

[1:16:11] I mean, we're just a snake's nest.

[1:16:12] Should I have realized that?

[1:16:13] He seems like a normal dude.

[1:16:14] Like, he could just hang out and have a beer, go grab, I don't know, McGnuggets or what

[1:16:18] you do with your buddies.

[1:16:19] Why did it take so long for this guy…

[1:16:20] He could grab some McNuggets out of his beard.

[1:16:21] Why did it take so long for the guy with the huge beard and, like, big skull rings on his

[1:16:25] hands?

[1:16:26] What?

[1:16:27] For everyone to realize he might be a little weird?

[1:16:28] Yeah.

[1:16:29] Well, yeah.

[1:16:30] Okay.

[1:16:31] Good stuff, though.

[1:16:32] Great stuff.

[1:16:33] Great guy.

[1:16:34] Great stuff.

[1:16:35] Good stuff.

[1:16:36] Keep it up, Al.

[1:16:37] So, on…

[1:16:38] Get back to the letter.

[1:16:39] Oh, man.

[1:16:40] I can't believe we just dunked on Alan Moore.

[1:16:43] Hey, if he doesn't like it, maybe he should come and talk to us.

[1:16:46] Oh, that's right.

[1:16:47] He never leaves his town.

[1:16:49] I like his work so much.

[1:16:50] Why am I attacking him?

[1:16:52] Yeah.

[1:16:53] So, on smells.

[1:16:54] If you had to pick one film to experience with added odorama, what would it be?

[1:16:58] Lots of poopy wet kisses from Melbourne, Australia, Dave.

[1:17:01] So…

[1:17:02] Well, I would…

[1:17:03] There's one scene in particular I'd want to smell.

[1:17:05] Yeah.

[1:17:06] And, as always, it's the scene in The Dark Crystal where the Skeksis are just sitting

[1:17:09] around feasting on gross stuff.

[1:17:12] That's great.

[1:17:13] Because I want to know what that gross stuff is that they're eating.

[1:17:16] To this day, starting when I was a little kid and growing up, any time we had any kind

[1:17:22] of meat at my house, my mother still refers to it as roast nebri, which is what the Skeksis

[1:17:29] are eating.

[1:17:30] That's great.

[1:17:31] I mean, it's got to be some sort of feast movie, right?

[1:17:34] Like a big night or…

[1:17:35] I mean, there's a ton of food movies, I guess, but I can smell food anywhere.

[1:17:38] I want to…

[1:17:39] Or Jurassic Park.

[1:17:40] I want to know what a dinosaur smells like.

[1:17:41] Probably like poop.

[1:17:42] I mean, have you ever just took a lizard and put it right under your nose?

[1:17:48] No.

[1:17:49] And pretended it was a mustache?

[1:17:50] Yeah.

[1:17:52] You know, if you've got to try and sneak in somewhere.

[1:17:54] No, no.

[1:17:55] I'm a grown-up.

[1:17:56] I've got a lizard mustache.

[1:17:58] You know, I'd want to pick something that is kind of sensuous and kind of delicious.

[1:18:04] I like where this is going.

[1:18:05] It has a lot of food.

[1:18:06] Okay, that's better.

[1:18:07] And something that kind of makes you hungry, so I'm definitely going to pick Meet the

[1:18:11] Feebles.

[1:18:12] I knew it was going to be a twist.

[1:18:17] Didn't see that one coming, though.

[1:18:20] I feel like the natural answer is like some like magical realism or like an omelette.

[1:18:26] Yeah, like a white water for chocolate or something like that.

[1:18:29] One of them omelettes.

[1:18:30] Gross.

[1:18:31] She probably smells good, too.

[1:18:32] No, she smells great, but I was deliberately holding myself back from like saying anything

[1:18:38] that could sound like I want to go smell a lady in a movie, like that's the weird part

[1:18:43] of it.

[1:18:44] That's not what I got from what Stuart was saying.

[1:18:45] That was, I just…

[1:18:46] He said that one of those omelettes smells good.

[1:18:49] The movie?

[1:18:50] Yeah.

[1:18:51] Oh, come on.

[1:18:52] Come on.

[1:18:53] Come on.

[1:18:54] So, here's the thing.

[1:18:55] They haven't made a movie about fried chicken yet, have they?

[1:19:00] Kentucky Fried Movies.

[1:19:02] There's no actual fried chicken in it.

[1:19:05] I need to check the tape.

[1:19:07] I really want to know what a fistful of yen smells like.

[1:19:12] The Muppet movie, which has Kentucky Fried Frog Legs.

[1:19:15] I mean, I'd eat them.

[1:19:16] I mean, I have trouble.

[1:19:18] I watch that movie with my son a lot, and I have an issue because it's like I don't

[1:19:21] want him to hurt Kermit, but I would love a fast food franchise where it's fried frog

[1:19:25] legs.

[1:19:26] Like, that would be delicious.

[1:19:27] I'd eat that all the time.

[1:19:28] Popeyes, make it happen.

[1:19:29] This is a sort of moral quandary that truly great art instills in the soul.

[1:19:35] It kind of makes us really question ourselves and the world around us.

[1:19:39] So, moving on.

[1:19:41] Moving right along.

[1:19:42] This one's from Jeremy, last name withheld, from Chicago.

[1:19:47] Jeremy Sisto.

[1:19:48] This is with Jeremy from the Pearl Jam song.

[1:19:51] Stuart.

[1:19:52] Jeremy's spoken.

[1:19:55] Class today, Stuart.

[1:19:58] Yep.

[1:20:00] You have been a bartender, and now a bar owner, for several years, yet you're known for drinking Coors Light on the podcast.

[1:20:08] This cannot possibly be your favorite beer since, one, you are a booze aficionado, and two, it tastes like a mix of an experimental grundle towel, la croix, and boredom.

[1:20:20] So what's your real favorite beer? Love, Jeremy, from Chicago.

[1:20:24] Whoa, that's a lot of pressure. Like, can I be real with you guys for a second?

[1:20:32] Sure, only if you turn your hat backwards.

[1:20:34] And sit on your chair backwards.

[1:20:36] Okay, let me see if I can. Okay, there it is, it's backwards.

[1:20:40] And for better, best use, you should probably put your pants on backwards.

[1:20:43] Yeah, okay. Okay, what about this baseball jersey? Should that go on backwards?

[1:20:48] Yeah, you're crisscrossing it.

[1:20:49] Never.

[1:20:50] No, turn it on backwards. Dan and I disagree on this.

[1:20:52] I can't believe crisscross had to steal the style of Bugs and Taz, right?

[1:20:56] Well, I think it was the other way around.

[1:20:59] When Bugs and Taz got those little braids?

[1:21:02] I remember as well.

[1:21:03] Twisted, I think.

[1:21:04] Yeah, and Bugs and Taz went through their gangsta phase on oversized shirts.

[1:21:10] Mm-hmm.

[1:21:11] So...

[1:21:12] Were those licensed?

[1:21:14] Wait, who were they licensing?

[1:21:17] The Looney Tunes characters?

[1:21:19] Well, I mean, I think that was a Looney Tunes brand shirt.

[1:21:23] Just seems like an interesting thing to do with the brand.

[1:21:26] I mean, I don't own it.

[1:21:28] Stuart, why'd you make that decision?

[1:21:30] Who owns that shit, like Dick Warner or something?

[1:21:32] Warner Brothers.

[1:21:33] Dick and John Warner, Yakko and Wakko?

[1:21:35] David Warner.

[1:21:37] Holy shit!

[1:21:38] That's why he doesn't have to act that much anymore.

[1:21:41] But he's so good.

[1:21:42] Yeah, I mean, I think he's since passed.

[1:21:45] Lately, the beer, if we're basing favorites off of beer I've consumed the most in the last year or so,

[1:21:51] I've been drinking a lot of the Ballast Point Evenkeel Session IPA.

[1:21:56] But my favorite two beers, one is not available anymore now,

[1:22:00] is the Ballast Point Indra-Ku-Nindra curry-flavored stout,

[1:22:05] and I really like the Hitachino red rice ale.

[1:22:08] So, answered.

[1:22:11] And David Warner is still alive.

[1:22:14] I was worried that he had died.

[1:22:15] That's great, yeah.

[1:22:17] So this letter asks, this is from Lee, last name withheld.

[1:22:23] The jeans?

[1:22:25] Yeah, that's right.

[1:22:27] Can't bust them.

[1:22:28] This is from some loose-fit jeans.

[1:22:31] Loose-fit?

[1:22:32] Oh, who are we?

[1:22:34] Maybe on you.

[1:22:35] Wait, hold on.

[1:22:37] I'm morbidly obese.

[1:22:39] Stonewashed jeans.

[1:22:40] Recently my friends were discussing the childhood phenomenon of finding a movie you fell in love with so hard

[1:22:46] you watched on repeat for months.

[1:22:48] I'm talking about the first VHS you spent allowance on and went to town all summer.

[1:22:53] For me it was Grease 2, at least 30 times, probably more.

[1:22:57] But friends mentioned Teen Witch, Poltergeist 2, Heavenly Kid, Just One of the Guys,

[1:23:02] and that Rob Lowe movie, Class.

[1:23:05] This conversation happened between ladies, so this might be gender-specific.

[1:23:08] I would argue that none of these are objectively good movies,

[1:23:11] but they hold such a nostalgia place from the age of 7 to 10,

[1:23:14] you can't even claim to ironically like them.

[1:23:16] You just love them regardless of their flaws.

[1:23:19] What movie did you fall hard, obsessively, for as a child that will be burned into your brain?

[1:23:25] Do you remember what the childhood appeal was?

[1:23:28] Again, that's from Lee.

[1:23:30] I mean, speaking for myself, there are very few movies I watched over and over again as a child

[1:23:35] that I don't still love because I had impeccable taste.

[1:23:39] But one that I had to watch a lot because it was my sister's favorite movie was Teen Wolf,

[1:23:45] which is not a very good movie.

[1:23:49] But I feel like I know that movie inside and out even though I haven't seen it in years

[1:23:52] because we watched it so many times.

[1:23:54] So there's a little bit of some affection for it even though it's not a good movie.

[1:23:57] Did your sister have a crush on Michael J. Fox?

[1:24:00] Did she identify with kind of a wallflower who becomes a cool outsider?

[1:24:05] And she was a werewolf, so all that stuff.

[1:24:07] Oh, yeah.

[1:24:08] Who played basketball.

[1:24:09] Okay.

[1:24:10] So all that stuff, yeah.

[1:24:11] Yeah.

[1:24:12] And she was a champion.

[1:24:13] That's why you loved Baby, the Lost Dinosaur or whatever.

[1:24:15] Well, Legends of the Last – that's a movie I know I watched multiple times,

[1:24:18] and I remember almost nothing about it except literally like an African village

[1:24:22] where everyone is rushing around and running.

[1:24:25] Yeah, I remember it's a movie where like 90 percent of it you get no dinosaur,

[1:24:29] and then right at the end you get dinosaurs, and then you're like, that's it?

[1:24:32] Is that the movie where the couple wants to make love,

[1:24:36] and every time they start making out or undressing they hear a roaring sound outside?

[1:24:41] Was that a different – was that every horror movie ever made?

[1:24:43] I think that's Carnosaur.

[1:24:47] What about you, Dan?

[1:24:48] Well, the thing is I remember better what movies I watched from like around the age of 14 over and over again.

[1:24:56] I watched Heathers and Aliens obsessively for a while.

[1:25:00] I like one of those.

[1:25:01] There.

[1:25:02] Well, you're wrong about the other.

[1:25:04] You don't even know which one I'm talking about.

[1:25:06] I'm pretty sure I do.

[1:25:07] I'm not a fan of Heathers.

[1:25:09] Yeah.

[1:25:10] That was my guess.

[1:25:11] Okay.

[1:25:12] But the thing about movies I saw as a kid is they all had to do pretty much

[1:25:18] with what was played over and over again on HBO.

[1:25:22] My brother John insists that I love this horrible live action slash animated movie called The Water Babies.

[1:25:30] Oh, I remember that one.

[1:25:32] It was from like 78 or something, and it was just – the character design was just grotesque,

[1:25:38] like Precious Moment figurine style thing, and it had a bunch of – it had James Mason as one of the voices

[1:25:45] and people like that, but it was terrible.

[1:25:48] He's like, no, you loved that as a kid.

[1:25:50] I'm like, no, it was just on television.

[1:25:52] Like when you're a kid, you watch something that's on television, especially if it's a cartoon.

[1:25:55] You're like, I'm just going to watch it over and over again if it's on over and over again.

[1:25:59] Like I also – something I have more fondness for now than that, but I watched just because it was on all the time,

[1:26:06] was Beastmaster, and I think I like Beastmaster.

[1:26:09] Fucking cool movie, dude.

[1:26:10] No, it's great.

[1:26:11] Talks to beasts.

[1:26:12] I think I –

[1:26:13] Eventually goes to the portal of time.

[1:26:14] He's got Pono and Kodo, dude.

[1:26:16] That's what I'm saying.

[1:26:17] I think the main attraction for me as a kid was that he had two ferrets.

[1:26:21] Yeah, and you're like imagining a world.

[1:26:23] Like you stare off into the distance and everything fades, and then it's you with two ferrets.

[1:26:30] If you were doing a ferret pet film festival, it would just be what?

[1:26:34] Beastmaster, Kindergarten Cop, and what else?

[1:26:37] Along Came Polly.

[1:26:38] Okay.

[1:26:39] I mean three makes a festival, right?

[1:26:41] Yeah, that's a festival.

[1:26:43] You'd also have that audio of Giuliani yelling about ferrets.

[1:26:47] And how sick the people who own them are.

[1:26:49] Yeah.

[1:26:50] It reminds me of – there was – I remember after From Hell came out, looking up the IMDb entry,

[1:26:56] and it was like people – if you liked From Hell, you might also like Rising Sun.

[1:27:00] It was like wait a minute.

[1:27:01] I think the only thing in common here is that a prostitute gets murdered in both of these movies.

[1:27:06] This is not a genre.

[1:27:08] Stuart, what about you?

[1:27:09] So when I was a kid, there was a couple movies that I remember like renting and watching the shit out of.

[1:27:15] So that would be like Police Academy.

[1:27:18] What is that?

[1:27:19] Four Citizens on Patrol.

[1:27:21] Watched that a fuckload.

[1:27:23] And Ski Patrol, another movie I watched a ton.

[1:27:26] And I think the attraction in both cases was a ton of hilarious goofs and sound effects.

[1:27:33] You know what I used to rent a lot was Terror of Mechagodzilla.

[1:27:36] For some reason, that was the Godzilla movie I wanted to watch the most.

[1:27:39] Anyway, sorry.

[1:27:40] I interrupted you, Stuart.

[1:27:41] No, it's cool.

[1:27:42] I also remember renting and watching Repossessed with Leslie Nielsen a bunch,

[1:27:46] and I like that because of the hilarious jokes and the copious amounts of weird nudity.

[1:27:51] But the – I think that –

[1:27:55] Those are just the runner-ups.

[1:27:57] I remember –

[1:27:58] The winner.

[1:27:59] My uncle gave me a –

[1:28:01] The Academy Award for films Stuart watched as a child that he was obsessed with.

[1:28:06] Well, I remember a friend of mine – or my uncle gave me a VHS tape

[1:28:11] that had an early English dub of Nausicaa Valley of the Wind on it,

[1:28:16] and I remember like not understanding it but being totally like blown away by this crazy movie

[1:28:23] and loving it and then at my birthday party insisting everybody watch it,

[1:28:29] and everybody was like, fuck this.

[1:28:33] And I remember getting in a big fight with Andy Kisko and him going home

[1:28:37] because he didn't like the movie I made everyone watch.

[1:28:40] Namesake of Mount Kisko, New York.

[1:28:42] Way to put Andy Kisko on blast.

[1:28:44] I mean, no, it was my fault.

[1:28:46] I forced him to watch a movie.

[1:28:47] I'm the bad guy.

[1:28:48] Now he's the successful founder of Kisko, the only company that sells kisses.

[1:28:53] We've got one last letter for this evening.

[1:28:56] At Kisko, we're not prostitutes, technically.

[1:29:02] Prostitutes won't let you kiss them.

[1:29:05] They'll do everything but.

[1:29:07] Anyway, sorry.

[1:29:09] Rachel, last name withheld.

[1:29:11] L.A. and Stuart exchange a knowing, uncomfortable look.

[1:29:15] Rachel, last name withheld, writes,

[1:29:18] I was reading Mary Roach's nonfiction book Packing for Mars

[1:29:23] and reading a chapter about NASA's research into zero-g sex

[1:29:27] when I came across the following footnote.

[1:29:30] This is a quote from Mary Roach's book Packing for Mars.

[1:29:35] This is no doubt the reason that even Stephen, quote, the hunter Hunt,

[1:29:40] the man whose pictures and video feed comprise underwatersex.net,

[1:29:44] chose to opt out of neutral buoyancy

[1:29:48] and drop down about 30 feet to a sandbar for his, quote, nude scuba encounter

[1:29:53] with an unnamed bored, lonely housewife.

[1:29:56] Says Steve, can you imagine all the positions you can do while waiting?

[1:30:00] You'll have to, because Steve runs through the same old positions you'd see back in the

[1:30:05] dive shack, only with unattractive, face-distorting scuba gear.

[1:30:10] So end quote.

[1:30:11] First off, that's pretty critical of scuba gear.

[1:30:15] And I'm kind of surprised that Mary Roach's editor kept that footnote in.

[1:30:20] Obviously I thought of you guys.

[1:30:22] How is it possible that after all these years you never checked underwatersex.net?

[1:30:27] And how did Stuart not already know about this?

[1:30:29] Apologies for a personal aside, but my mom died a couple of years ago, and when I couldn't

[1:30:33] sleep, I listened to your podcast over and over.

[1:30:36] You helped me through a really rough time, and I've always wanted a reason to email and

[1:30:39] let you know.

[1:30:40] So that's very sweet.

[1:30:41] Thank you for listening.

[1:30:42] I'm glad we could help you through a hard time.

[1:30:44] That's one of the hardest times.

[1:30:45] Yeah.

[1:30:46] But let's not dwell on that.

[1:30:47] Let's dwell on underwatersex.net.

[1:30:49] I believe that the page we were originally going to was called Aquafan.

[1:30:53] Oh, okay.

[1:30:54] I kept thinking it was a play on Submariner.

[1:30:57] Now I checked out underwater...

[1:30:59] No, that was that sub-sandwich page that we found.

[1:31:02] I did check out underwatersex.net, and it seems to have been removed since whenever

[1:31:06] this...

[1:31:07] Oh.

[1:31:08] That's not that old a book anymore.

[1:31:09] Is that a free URL or whatever?

[1:31:10] Yeah, let's...

[1:31:11] Let's jump on that.

[1:31:12] Let's Squarespace sponsor us again so that I can talk about it.

[1:31:15] Or someone out there in the world, buy up underwatersex.net for us and redirect it to

[1:31:19] the Flophouse.

[1:31:20] What?

[1:31:21] What good would that do?

[1:31:22] What?

[1:31:23] The only reason that would be good is that we could then advertise as the Flophouse Podcast.

[1:31:26] Visit us at underwatersex.net.

[1:31:28] Yeah, we only talk about it every episode, basically.

[1:31:32] As you know, there's one thing we talk about on this podcast, and that's doing underwater.

[1:31:38] Well, Rachel, thanks for the update.

[1:31:39] I wonder who's squatting on the domain underwatersex.net right now.

[1:31:42] Had to use the word squatting.

[1:31:44] Someone bought that up and was convinced it's their tickets and money.

[1:31:49] Yeah, it's a guy named Drax.

[1:31:50] He's got a water fortress and he fights James Bond.

[1:31:55] Well, anyway, that's a thing that we call letters.

[1:32:00] That's how it goes.

[1:32:01] Way to undercut the segment, Dan.

[1:32:04] That's a little thing we here at the Flophouse call letters.

[1:32:07] Is that the extra on the Flophouse DVD, the documentary about the letter segment is called

[1:32:11] A Thing We Call Letters?

[1:32:13] That's right.

[1:32:15] It's just talking heads of us, unlike the regular podcast, which is talking disembodied

[1:32:20] voices of us.

[1:32:21] The next thing we do.

[1:32:23] This is you.

[1:32:24] You're not looking directly at the camera.

[1:32:25] You're looking off to the sides of the interviewer, and you're like, when we started reading letters,

[1:32:30] we were just a bunch of guys looking to find out what our mail was.

[1:32:33] We didn't know it would turn into a national trend.

[1:32:35] Then it cuts to a reenactment of us opening the letters.

[1:32:39] It's grainy video, and it's Dan, and he looks much younger.

[1:32:43] He's got longer hair, and he's like, our first letter.

[1:32:46] Let's see what it says inside.

[1:32:49] Is this a DVD extra, or is this like a Fox reality show from 1990?

[1:32:54] It's like a documentary about the earliest days of the letter segment.

[1:32:57] Yeah, or an episode of Tattoo Nightmares.

[1:33:00] I feel like it's an alien autopsy thing all of a sudden.

[1:33:03] Like all reenactments.

[1:33:05] Yeah, and when he opens up the fucking envelope, there's an alien corpse in there, and we're

[1:33:09] like, what?

[1:33:10] How'd they fit that in the envelope?

[1:33:12] And then we give each other a high five, because this is awesome.

[1:33:14] And then the alien corpse turns to the camera, winks, and goes, it's a living!

[1:33:19] And then eats some pizza, and then surfs off listening to Joe Satriani.

[1:33:23] Because this is a Saturday morning cartoon from the early 90s.

[1:33:28] Look, that's the thing.

[1:33:29] I'm just trying to decide what thing we are.

[1:33:33] We've got to pick a genre and stay in that lane.

[1:33:38] Okay, so what do we do now, Dan?

[1:33:39] Now is the last segment of the show, where we recommend a movie that we actually like,

[1:33:44] that you should watch instead of The Last Witch Hunter.

[1:33:49] That was a very knowing mm-hmm.

[1:33:53] I'll go really quickly.

[1:33:55] It's award seasons, dude.

[1:33:56] You probably got a bunch of recommendations.

[1:33:57] No, I don't.

[1:33:58] Here's the thing.

[1:33:59] You've been watching all those screeners.

[1:34:00] I haven't watched anything since last time.

[1:34:03] So I ran over to my DVD collection, and I scanned it.

[1:34:08] And I'm like, what's a movie that I haven't recommended before?

[1:34:11] It was a little pathetic.

[1:34:12] Dan was like, I didn't realize I had this.

[1:34:15] I'm going to recommend a movie that I think I haven't recommended before,

[1:34:18] just because I own it.

[1:34:21] And that is Health.

[1:34:24] A lot of people talk about A Hard Day's Night, and rightfully so.

[1:34:29] It's a great movie.

[1:34:30] It's the best Beatles movie.

[1:34:32] But I think you'll find that Health is a lot of fun.

[1:34:35] It's a little goofier, because it doesn't have the framing of A Day in the Life of the Beatles,

[1:34:43] that even though it's not actually, obviously, A Day in the Life of the Beatles,

[1:34:47] lends a certain fake air of documentary to A Hard Day's Night.

[1:34:55] Health is a lot sillier, being as it is,

[1:34:58] Leo McKern, who you may know as Rumple of the Bailey,

[1:35:02] as a cult leader who loses his ring.

[1:35:05] More from the prisoner.

[1:35:06] All right.

[1:35:07] But he's the titular character in Rumple.

[1:35:10] I just know our audience.

[1:35:12] They probably saw the prisoner.

[1:35:13] I don't know.

[1:35:14] But he needs to get his ring back, his ceremonial ring.

[1:35:21] And, of course, Ringo has it, because he loves rings.

[1:35:28] It's like he's the least interesting Marx Brother.

[1:35:32] Groucho's always a grouch.

[1:35:34] He's Groucho.

[1:35:35] You love the chicks.

[1:35:36] You're Chico.

[1:35:37] And what is that you're wearing on your finger?

[1:35:38] A ring?

[1:35:39] You're Ringo.

[1:35:40] Whatever.

[1:35:42] Spaghetti?

[1:35:43] Spaghetti-O-Marx.

[1:35:44] What's that?

[1:35:45] Like gel in your hair?

[1:35:46] Gel-O-Marx.

[1:35:47] You're going to hell?

[1:35:48] Hell-O-Marx.

[1:35:49] Goddammit.

[1:35:52] Help is also directed by Richard Lester,

[1:35:55] who did A Hard Day's Night.

[1:35:56] So it's got a lot of the same zany humor.

[1:35:59] It's a lot more Dayglo, being in color.

[1:36:02] It's pop art.

[1:36:03] It's got a lot of great music, as you would expect from a Beatles movie.

[1:36:08] And it's a lot of fun.

[1:36:09] So check out Help.

[1:36:12] Let's see.

[1:36:15] I'm going to recommend a movie I remember enjoying quite a bit in college.

[1:36:20] It's a thriller that I don't think I've recommended before.

[1:36:24] And if I have, who cares?

[1:36:26] Yeah, we make the rules.

[1:36:28] Yeah.

[1:36:29] It's a movie called Session Nine.

[1:36:31] It's a movie about a small crew of asbestos cleaners

[1:36:36] who get hired to clear out the asbestos in an old, defunct mental hospital.

[1:36:42] And most of the movie takes place at their job site

[1:36:47] with these guys just doing their work.

[1:36:50] And it's a naturally creepy environment.

[1:36:53] And they're also surrounded by what looks like

[1:36:56] kind of unchecked wilderness a little bit.

[1:36:59] So it's a fairly oppressive and yet still brightly lit situation.

[1:37:05] There's some really great performances.

[1:37:08] The movie doesn't go...

[1:37:10] The movie has a tendency to leave a lot of stuff relying...

[1:37:14] a lot of stuff unseen and relying on sound and just performances.

[1:37:22] I remember it being really creepy.

[1:37:25] And it's got some fun performances from the likes of Josh Lucas, David Caruso,

[1:37:31] and a great central performance by Peter Mullen.

[1:37:35] So Session Nine, if you like...

[1:37:37] I don't know, like a kind of creepy thriller.

[1:37:40] Check it out.

[1:37:41] So another movie that we haven't seen in a while.

[1:37:44] Yeah.

[1:37:45] I'm going to recommend a movie I've seen within the past few months.

[1:37:48] Oh. Novelty.

[1:37:49] And it's also a witch movie.

[1:37:52] To capture the...

[1:37:54] You know, just jump on the bandwagon.

[1:37:56] I don't get the connection.

[1:37:57] So this guy's hunting a witch, but not so he can kill her.

[1:38:00] So he can kiss her.

[1:38:01] It's called I Married a Witch.

[1:38:02] And it stars Frederick March and Veronica Lake.

[1:38:05] Veronica Lake is the titular witch.

[1:38:07] Oh, from L.A. Confidential.

[1:38:11] Yeah, Veronica Lake from L.A. Confidential.

[1:38:15] And Top of the Lake, which is a movie about her head.

[1:38:18] Oh, Top of the Lake, yeah.

[1:38:20] It was directed by Rene Clair and uncredited because...

[1:38:24] It wasn't yet the Blacklist time, I don't believe.

[1:38:27] Dalton Trumbo.

[1:38:28] Yeah, Dalton Trumbo.

[1:38:29] Exactly.

[1:38:30] Dan's favorite guy to make the most obvious joke in the world about Dalton Trumbo.

[1:38:34] But it's about this woman is being burned for being a witch.

[1:38:39] Maybe she's being hung for being a witch.

[1:38:40] I don't remember.

[1:38:41] And she casts a curse on the family of the man who has caused all this,

[1:38:46] that they will never find happiness and love again.

[1:38:48] That's in, of course, the 17th century.

[1:38:50] Flash forward to the 1940s.

[1:38:52] And the descendant of that family is running for governor.

[1:38:56] And the witch comes back, and she decides she's going to ruin his life.

[1:39:00] But a love potion goes awry, and she falls in love with him.

[1:39:04] But how's he going to deal with the fact that this lady's a witch?

[1:39:07] The gender politics of the movie are a little old-fashioned.

[1:39:11] Let's just say that.

[1:39:12] But it's a genuinely funny movie.

[1:39:14] And the performance of, I forgot the name of the actor who plays Veronica Lake's character's father,

[1:39:21] who's also a witch, and is just out-and-out sinister, but in a very fun way, is very funny.

[1:39:26] So I Married a Witch.

[1:39:28] It's a funny movie about a witch who marries a guy.

[1:39:31] And just a public service announcement.

[1:39:33] Remember, Trumbo sounds like Dumbo.

[1:39:37] Brought to you by the Obvious Joke Council.

[1:39:40] All right, guys.

[1:39:43] Well, that brings another Flophouse episode sadly to a close.

[1:39:50] We have to say goodbye to you, our dear listeners.

[1:39:53] But fear not.

[1:39:54] We'll be back.

[1:39:56] And so, good night.

[1:39:58] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:40:00] Hey, hey, yeah, so did you forget that you also say your name and I am, you know, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:40:11] Am I Elliot Kalen? Who can say who they are in this world?

[1:40:15] I'm just going to say I'm me trying to be the best me I can be.

[1:40:22] Good night, everyone. I.

[1:40:36] So I'm saying don't gripe to me, Argentina, don't gripe to me, Argentina.

[1:40:46] I've got problems of my own.

[1:40:53] Stepped on a bit.

[1:40:55] Stepped on a bit.

[1:40:57] That's my name. Country Western song.

[1:40:59] You were trying to make a joke.

[1:41:01] So I stepped on my bed.

[1:41:07] All right. All right.

[1:41:09] Let's do the intro first and then afterwards we'll do the episode.

[1:41:14] All right. Then what do we do after that?

[1:41:16] Then we go home. I'll be here already.

[1:41:19] I mean, you're going home now.

[1:41:21] Yeah. In that you're dying.

[1:41:24] No.

[1:41:25] Tom, we felt like going home.

[1:41:28] Walking through fields of wheat.

[1:41:30] It's me, Maximus.

[1:41:32] Everybody's just walking through fields of wheat and you reach out and you run your fingers through the wheat.

[1:41:43] That's all. That's the whole thing.

[1:41:45] L is just do the same thing, but it's not wheat.

[1:41:50] It's penises.

[1:41:51] Oh, baby, do you know what that's worth?

[1:41:54] Oh, heaven is a place on Earth.

[1:41:56] But L is for children.

[1:42:02] You know what, Master Bruce? Love is a battlefield.

[1:42:08] I ran, Master Bruce. I ran so far away.

[1:42:12] Gotta get away.

[1:42:15] I dialed 867-5309, Master Bruce.

[1:42:20] The angel was my centrefold.

[1:42:29] Anyway, let's do the intro.

[1:42:31] Okay. And then we'll do the episode.

[1:42:36] Oops, I kind of stepped on the bit.

[1:42:40] Oops, I did it again.

[1:42:43] I stepped on your bit.

[1:42:45] Got lost in the thing.

[1:42:47] Oh, Danny, Danny.

[1:42:49] Let's do the intro, Dan. Come on. What are you waiting for?

[1:42:51] And then we'll do the episode.

[1:42:54] Then we go home.

[1:42:56] Maximumfun.org

[1:42:58] Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

[1:43:00] Listener supported.

Ep. #223 - The Last Witch Hunter

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