Ep. #223 - The Last Witch Hunter

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss The Last Witch Hunter.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Elliot, do I have to have seen the previous five witch hunters before this one to understand it?

Elliott Kalan

[0:09] I don't think even seeing them will help.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] Hey Dan McCoy, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] That was pretty cool. Stuart Wellington just had that voice like that.

[0:48] You can. And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:52] You're confusing new listeners, Stuart. You're writing checks that your butt can't cash.

Elliott Kalan

[0:58] Does his butt have a bank account? Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

[1:03] Dan, are you saying that one, all the parts of Stuart's body have different bank accounts, or two, just his butt has one?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] I mean, the teller should refuse my butt attempting to cash.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] Can I see some ID, sir? Is this a driver's license with a butt instead of a face?

Dan McCoy

[1:17] When your butt opened up, it's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] When his butt opened up, did flies come out like in this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24] Yeah, a bunch of guawuls came through because it's a little Stargate.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] It opened an account with the bank. It had a utility with its name on it.

[1:35] Go on.

[1:35] A gas bill.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Not like utility belts.

[1:37] A gas bill for your butt.

[1:40] I get it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41] So anyway, Dan's fired. It's just me and Stuart now.

[1:44] So guys, I was trying...

[1:47] You guys got my fucking case.

[1:49] Yeah, you did.

[1:50] Okay, I don't remember.

[1:51] You guys put me on blast again this time because I opened up with my fucking dead-on Vin Diesel impression.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] That was your Vin Diesel impression?

[2:00] Yeah, hold on.

[2:01] Dude.

[2:01] You sounded like Snake Plissken trying to do an impression of...

[2:05] Like a drive-time radio.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] It's me, Vin Diesel, the last witch hunter.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] No, Vin Diesel's more like...

[2:13] Hey, I'm Vin Diesel. It's me, Vin Diesel.

Stuart Wellington

[2:15] Vin Diesel's more like...

[2:17] I think you guys are doing it wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[2:22] You're Dave Mustaine.

[2:23] You're Dave Mustaine-ing all over the place.

Stuart Wellington

[2:25] Vin Diesel sounds like this.

[2:27] Hello, me. It's me, Vin Diesel, again.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] No, Vin Diesel's more like this.

[2:33] Bag of rocks jingling around. Bag of rocks. Bag of rocks.

[2:36] That's what it says in the script.

[2:39] It just says witch hunter and then just shake a bag of pebbles.

Dan McCoy

[2:43] Guys, I got some problems with this dialogue.

[2:46] It just says bag of rocks over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] Under casting notes, it says...

Dan McCoy

[2:49] This is really a blacklist script.

[2:51] It says bag of rocks over.

Stuart Wellington

[2:52] Under casting notes, it says less articulate rock biter.

[2:56] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:58] The director was like, Vin, Vin, Vin.

[3:01] I'm understanding too many words.

[3:02] I need you to talk quieter and gravelier.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] Hey, speaking of Vin Diesel,

[3:06] how have you guys been celebrating the return of Xander Cage?

Elliott Kalan

[3:11] Oh, yeah.

[3:12] I mean, the way we all do.

[3:14] I put up my, what, triple X wreath?

[3:17] Yeah.

[3:17] And I've been keeping a candle in my window.

Stuart Wellington

[3:20] I've been vaping for days.

Dan McCoy

[3:24] Of course, we all had, you know, we all had the day off work.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Yeah, for Xander Cage Day.

[3:30] National holiday.

[3:31] Federal holiday.

[3:32] Well, you know, my mother always told me,

[3:34] one day a Xander Cage would return.

Stuart Wellington

[3:37] There is a prophecy.

[3:39] Did she tell you it was part of her triple X State of the Union?

Elliott Kalan

[3:44] So the triple X series, we're not, that's not what we watched,

[3:47] but what was that all about?

[3:50] Well, you know.

[3:51] He's an extreme athlete.

[3:52] It's not your daddy's James Bond.

[3:54] I mean, my daddy's James Bond was, I guess, like Roger Moore,

[3:57] which is fine.

[3:58] I mean, that was my James Bond.

[4:00] That was my James Bond, too.

[4:01] How old are you guys?

[4:03] We're approaching 40.

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Because my James Bond was Pierce Brosnan.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] Yeah.

[4:08] Because I rejected Timothy Dalton like a donor kidney

[4:10] with a different blood type.

[4:12] I just rejected him.

[4:14] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[4:14] Okay, wait.

[4:15] Yep.

[4:16] Because I think the first.

[4:16] The living daylights are okay.

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] The first new James Bond movie I remember seeing

[4:21] was Licensed to Kill.

[4:23] And as a kid, I remember being like,

[4:24] not entertained by this.

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] Somebody should have put that movie out of its misery.

Elliott Kalan

[4:30] Wait.

[4:31] Thanks for Channel 11.

[4:32] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[4:34] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:37] We just slam Vin Diesel, talk about butts,

[4:39] and then old James Bond memories?

[4:42] That's pretty much it.

[4:42] Okay.

[4:44] So, you're welcome to Vin Diesel slam butt memories

[4:46] featuring James Bond.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] I feel bad making fun of Vin Diesel.

[4:49] Slamming James Diesel's butt.

[4:52] James.

[4:53] Yep.

[4:54] James Diesel's my father.

[4:55] You can call me Vin.

[5:00] I feel kind of bad.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] It was changed from Doozle on Ellis Island to Diesel.

[5:06] Yeah.

[5:07] Well, the old.

[5:08] My originally Vin Doozle.

Dan McCoy

[5:12] Well, Vin Doozle ran on gasoline, but Vin Diesel.

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] Runs on what?

[5:17] Hydrocarbons?

[5:18] Runs on diesel.

[5:20] I guess gasoline is hydrocarbons, too.

Stuart Wellington

[5:21] So, I feel a little bad because there's, I feel bad making fun of Vin Diesel.

[5:26] Yeah, he's had it hard.

[5:28] Because there's a chance, you know, he and I kind of run in the same, like, cool.

[5:31] You're both gamers.

[5:32] Yeah, we run the same cool role-playing game circles.

[5:36] There's a chance that he might accidentally listen to this podcast and be really sad.

[5:41] And I wouldn't want to see.

[5:42] He might accidentally listen to this podcast?

[5:43] Yeah, he might think it's, like, a cool gamer podcast where we talk about.

[5:47] What would you mean?

[5:48] I don't know, man.

[5:50] Oh, Blood Bowl MVP Stuart Wellington as a podcast?

[5:53] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[5:53] I bet it's all about gaming.

Stuart Wellington

[5:55] The trivia for this movie elaborates extensively on Vin Diesel's D&D background and mentions

[6:04] that on the set of The Chronicles of Riddick, he taught Judi Dench how to play D&D.

[6:14] And she should have won an Oscar.

[6:19] For pretending to be interested in doing that?

[6:21] And then having to play, like, an air elemental or something like that?

[6:24] I don't remember what happened.

[6:25] So, was this movie based on a D&D thing, though, Stuart?

[6:30] No.

[6:31] Well, maybe.

[6:32] I don't know.

[6:32] This was a Blacklist script, so.

[6:35] But it was rewritten multiple times.

Dan McCoy

[6:36] It was that Blacklist, though.

[6:37] It was the one that actually Blacklist scripted.

[6:39] It was the Communist Blacklist.

Stuart Wellington

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:40] We should not produce this.

[6:42] This was written by Dalton Trumbo.

[6:44] This was a script for the TV show The Blacklist.

Elliott Kalan

[6:48] Dalton Trumbo.

[6:48] Oh, with James Spader.

[6:51] TV's Ultron.

[6:53] If you're watching Avengers 2 on TV.

Dan McCoy

[6:55] I love that.

[6:56] I love it in that movie, Trumbo, where Dalton Trumbo's ears were really big.

[7:00] I knew it was going to be a Dumbo joke.

[7:02] I knew it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] I knew it.

[7:04] I don't remember that part.

[7:05] The anger.

[7:05] I knew how creatively bankrupt you are.

[7:08] The angry glint in your eyes.

[7:11] When I heard the most obvious Trumbo joke.

[7:16] You love Dumbo.

[7:17] I do love Dumbo.

[7:19] That's why I also made the Trumbo-Dumbo connection and was looking for a new idea from you.

[7:23] No.

[7:23] You couldn't even have done.

[7:24] You could have at least made a trombone joke.

Dan McCoy

[7:26] That's a much worse joke.

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] Really?

[7:29] Because.

Dan McCoy

[7:30] It doesn't rhyme.

Elliott Kalan

[7:31] When I was in middle school, babe.

[7:33] Hold on a second.

[7:34] That's the mark of a good joke.

[7:36] Is all day.

[7:37] Is your whole work day.

[7:38] You trying to explain to Trevor Noah that his jokes don't work because they're not rhyming.

Dan McCoy

[7:42] That's right.

[7:44] That's right.

[7:45] I mean.

[7:45] Especially because he.

[7:46] You know.

[7:46] He pronounces everything in a South African accent.

[7:48] So things that should rhyme.

[7:50] Don't.

[7:50] Oh, I see.

[7:51] I'm like this, you know, you know, you gotta do American comedy now.

[7:55] You gotta rhyme your words.

Stuart Wellington

[7:57] It's all about rhymes.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] You gotta speak good and rhyme your words.

[8:01] So.

[8:01] But we watched a movie called The Witch Hunter.

[8:03] Yeah.

[8:03] Last Witch Hunter.

[8:04] You set me up for the traditional explanation of the podcast and I never.

Elliott Kalan

[8:09] I think I undercut that though.

[8:10] So what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[8:11] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[8:13] And what did we watch this time?

[8:15] We watched The Last Witch Hunter.

Elliott Kalan

[8:17] Now, here's the thing about The Last Witch Hunter.

[8:19] It's also.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] It's been taking up some space on Dan's DVR lately.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] Every time we're gonna watch something, Dan goes, no, we can watch The Last Witch Hunter

[8:27] or we can watch this other movie.

[8:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:29] And we always make the other movie.

[8:32] Rightfully so.

[8:33] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[8:33] The Last Witch Hunter gets ready to step up and then he's like, oh, not my time.

[8:37] It's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] It's all right.

[8:39] And meanwhile, there's all these.

[8:41] Dan is constantly deleting all the shows he wants to watch to make room for The Last Witch

[8:45] Hunter from his overflowing Tebow.

Stuart Wellington

[8:49] Yeah, that's right.

[8:50] There's a, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[8:51] So long, Scandal.

Stuart Wellington

[8:53] So long, Lake Consequence.

[8:56] So long, Property Brothers.

[8:58] Yeah, with Joan Severins and Billy Zane.

[9:00] Yeah, I know which one you're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] I know the.

[9:03] Joan Severins, The Black Scorpion.

[9:04] So long, Orange is the New Black, which I somehow T-vote even though it's on Netflix.

[9:10] Yeah.

[9:11] So, but Last Witch Hunter could have also been called The Witch Hunter because there's only

[9:15] one witch hunter in it.

[9:17] His name's Vincent Diesel, Benjamin Diesel.

[9:21] And he, the movie opens.

[9:23] In olden times.

[9:23] As Stuart would say in media res.

[9:26] Smash cut.

[9:27] It's the 13th century.

[9:30] Maybe it's the 14th century.

[9:32] He says he's been doing this for 800 years.

[9:34] So I guess it's the 13th century.

[9:35] It's about the early 13th century.

[9:37] And Vin Diesel in a very unpersuasive beard.

[9:41] Let's just call it that.

[9:42] Let's call it a facial hair and top of head hair combination that looks like Vin Diesel's

[9:49] face was used for one of those Wooly Wooly toys.

[9:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:52] And they use magnet filings to create beards.

[9:54] And a top, shaved sides of the head, but with a longer top of the head hair.

Stuart Wellington

[10:02] It looks like a little bit like when Gimli draws like a fantasy version of himself.

[10:10] That's what he would draw.

Elliott Kalan

[10:12] And so he is part of a band of, I guess, witch hunters.

[10:15] So you know what?

[10:16] He is the last of those witch hunters.

[10:17] A plague has hit the land.

[10:19] That land, not important to know.

[10:22] Somewhere in Europe, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[10:23] Probably the bubonic plague.

[10:25] It's some plague.

[10:26] I mean, that's like the top plague.

[10:28] That's the classic one.

[10:28] Yeah, that's your grade A plague.

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:30] All you have to do, you can just say the plague and people know what you're talking about.

[10:33] Yeah.

[10:34] It's like Cher.

[10:35] Mm-hmm.

[10:36] Yeah, she's a plague.

[10:36] The plague is like Cher.

Dan McCoy

[10:38] Wow.

[10:38] Put it on the book for this podcast.

[10:41] This podcast.

[10:42] Put it on the packaging for this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] Did you see when the plague did that, if I could turn back time video, and then it was

[10:47] wearing like a thong under a body stocking?

[10:49] I can't believe the Navy allowed her to use a ship for that.

Dan McCoy

[10:55] It was a movie.

[10:56] Yeah, you can really see all her boils and pustules.

Stuart Wellington

[10:59] What?

[11:00] She's the plague.

[11:01] Dan.

[11:02] What is wrong?

[11:04] You shouldn't have to ask what is wrong.

Dan McCoy

[11:06] Everything I'm saying tracks.

[11:10] Does it?

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] So they're hunting down a witch.

[11:14] The bubonic plague.

[11:14] Because what caused this plague was a witch.

[11:16] And not just any witch, but the witch queen.

[11:18] Which old witch?

[11:20] The wicked witch.

[11:21] Okay.

[11:22] Now, this movie posits the question, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

[11:25] Because there is a good witch in it.

[11:26] There's a very bad witch in it.

[11:28] Her name is the witch queen.

[11:29] Mm-hmm.

[11:29] And she is, this is what she says, a witch queen.

[11:33] Yeah.

[11:33] They manage to stop her through the application of iron and fire.

Dan McCoy

[11:36] She looks kind of like a Samura crossed with a Freddy Krueger.

[11:40] A what?

[11:41] A Samara crossed with a Freddy Krueger.

Stuart Wellington

[11:43] You might know her as Sadako from The Ring.

[11:46] Yeah.

[11:47] Oh, okay.

[11:48] Thanks, Stuart, for decoding Dan's gibberish.

[11:51] It was not gibberish.

Dan McCoy

[11:53] I mean, other than mispronouncing it the first time, it was, you know, a perfectly cromulent word.

Stuart Wellington

[11:59] Yeah, I mean.

[12:00] Ellie recognizes that character more from Ringu as opposed to The Ring.

[12:05] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] That was the problem that I had.

Stuart Wellington

[12:07] And this witch queen character also has a ponytail that's also a spine.

Elliott Kalan

[12:11] I prefer Ringu old world style to Prego.

[12:17] Wait, so you were saying the witch has what?

[12:19] There's a ponytail that's a spine.

[12:21] Yeah, and the witch is a combination.

Stuart Wellington

[12:23] Okay.

[12:23] Wow, already opening the second one.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] Oh, and he's overflowing.

Dan McCoy

[12:28] Thanks for, there's beer all over my table.

[12:31] Great.

[12:32] The Dan McCoy story.

[12:33] Oh, now Stuart's drinking the beer off of the table.

Stuart Wellington

[12:36] Archie!

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] Archie!

[12:38] No, don't get my cat drunk.

[12:39] Okay, so anyway, while Stuart cleans that up, that was a little bit of excitement for the listening audience.

[12:44] Yeah, that's color.

[12:45] So the witch introduces a theme of the movie, which is unconvincing special effects, CGI based.

[12:52] And while she's fighting Vin Diesel, because Vin Diesel is the only one of these witch hunters that is worth a damn fighting witches and zombie monsters.

[12:59] He manages to stab her through the heart, but then she grabs his heart and says, I'm going to curse you with immortality.

[13:06] You'll never know the peace of death as long as my heart is, oh no, we don't know that yet.

[13:10] Sorry.

[13:11] You'll never know the peace of death.

[13:12] Cut to.

[13:13] And as we all pointed out.

[13:15] I'm back.

[13:15] I cleaned up the mess.

[13:16] Cut to modern day.

[13:18] And Dan, you were saying?

Dan McCoy

[13:19] No, I mean, just as we all kind of felt, like, of the curses you can curse someone with, immortality is not one of the top ones in terms of the harm that it does to someone.

[13:29] I mean, eventually, obviously, it becomes a curse.

Elliott Kalan

[13:32] Eventually, you would think it would wear you down after centuries of seeing all your loved ones die.

[13:37] Just seeing, like, the worst that humanity can offer over and over and over.

[13:41] But Vin Diesel, when we catch up to him in the present, seems to be, if anything, better well-adjusted than he was before.

Dan McCoy

[13:47] Yeah, he's super chipper, and he has a sports car that he tools around in.

[13:50] And a sports coat.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] A sports coat, a sports car, sports magazines, a sports watch.

[13:56] A sports bra, I assume.

[13:59] He has the album Sports by Huey Lewis in the news, just playing all the time.

[14:04] We are introducing him.

Stuart Wellington

[14:05] Well, that's why you can't be sad while it's playing.

[14:07] That's why it's so well-adjusted.

[14:08] No, of course.

[14:09] Finally, it's hip to be square.

[14:12] He has a large collection of collared shirts that he, under no circumstance, will try and close entirely and wear a tie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:18] Is he wearing a tie with his suit?

Stuart Wellington

[14:19] I don't think so.

[14:20] Witch Hunters don't do that.

[14:21] It's my favorite moment in, what is that, Fast and Furious 6?

[14:26] Ab Fab the movie.

[14:27] No one knows which thing is in the next movie.

[14:28] Whichever one where they go to Dubai, and all of a sudden they all show up in party clothes.

[14:34] And you get to see everybody show up in tuxes, and I'm like, Vin Diesel is not going to be able to wear a bow tie.

[14:41] And of course he is not, because you can't fit that around.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] No, he's got a massive neck.

[14:45] Mm-hmm.

[14:45] He's in amazing shape.

[14:48] We reintroduced him on an airplane where he has to talk some sense into a young teenage witch who has a bunch of weatherstones, magic crystals that control the weather, and are causing turbulence.

[14:59] And once he solves that problem, he immediately goes and hits on a stewardess.

[15:04] Cut to, we're in New York, old man priest Michael Caine is waiting for his appointment with Vin Diesel.

[15:08] The stewardess leaves.

[15:10] Of course he banged her.

[15:11] Come on, he's the last witch hunter.

Stuart Wellington

[15:12] And Michael Caine has given us kind of a, what's going on in the world?

[15:16] We're in a modern day where there's a temporary truce between magical creatures and non-magical people.

[15:22] It appears the witches.

[15:24] The cross and the axe or something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] There's an organization called the cross and the axe, which is, I guess, affiliated with the Catholic Church, which has a deal with the witch council, where witches will lay low and not eat people in exchange for the church not burning them all.

Stuart Wellington

[15:38] It's your regular Camarilla type setup or, I don't know, Hogwarts and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Or, like, what's the underworld thing?

[15:45] Is that, where it's the, is there a truce between werewolves and vampires or something?

Stuart Wellington

[15:49] Vampires or whatever.

[15:50] Why are they called lichens?

[15:51] Just call them werewolves, dude.

[15:53] Because they're impossible not to like.

[15:54] Because they're a fun guy.

[15:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:55] That would be great if there was a fundamental misunderstanding of that script and they have a bunch of, like, just, like, green things growing on logs.

[16:07] And, like, I don't know why they're fighting vampires.

Elliott Kalan

[16:11] We got a problem here.

Stuart Wellington

[16:14] Mr. Kate Beckinsale, we got a problem here.

[16:16] Our special effects department really didn't understand the script.

[16:20] And we don't have the money to change.

Elliott Kalan

[16:22] It's a scene after scene of vampires punching logs.

Dan McCoy

[16:25] The director's like, Kate, I know that the catsuit you're wearing was already carrying most of the movie, but we're going to need to do a little extra work today.

Elliott Kalan

[16:36] So, there's this pact.

[16:38] Everything's going hunky-dory fine.

[16:40] Every now and then, Vin Diesel has to go slap some knowledge on some witches.

[16:44] He lives in a rad bachelor pad full of weapons and old-timey trinkets and artifacts.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] He's got a fucking pool table in his apartment, dude.

[16:53] What?

[16:54] He's living the dream.

[16:55] And he spends his time repairing old pocket watches.

[16:58] I'm kind of surprised that he and Michael Caine don't dance on a giant floor keyboard.

Elliott Kalan

[17:05] And so, Michael Caine is his handler, his most recent handler, which are called Dolan's.

Stuart Wellington

[17:10] And he repairs pocket watches.

[17:11] You know that character would be painting little fucking Warhammer dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] He probably was like, okay, I was just going to need a hobby.

[17:20] Maybe I paint Warhammer figures.

[17:23] They're like, well, I've got to do something with my hands.

[17:26] Okay, what if you repair pocket watches?

[17:28] But it's okay when I perform it.

[17:30] I'm going to pretend I'm painting Warhammer figures.

[17:33] Sure.

[17:33] It's not going to be a diesel impression.

[17:34] Just please don't do the effects of the sounds of them fighting while you paint.

[17:39] Yeah, yeah.

[17:39] Of course you do that.

[17:40] Okay, Vin, let's stop the tape.

[17:42] Remember, those are watches.

[17:44] You shouldn't be describing the characters.

[17:46] Stop banging them against other ones.

Stuart Wellington

[17:47] And then saying dialogue about them.

Elliott Kalan

[17:50] No, no.

[17:50] I was just thinking that.

[17:52] I was just thinking that.

[17:53] It's so hard for me not to enunciate better than Vin Diesel does in this movie.

[17:58] It's so hard to hear him at different points.

[17:59] And there are Vin Diesel performances, let me just say, that I like in past movies.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] I have a...

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] I don't hate Vin Diesel.

[18:07] I didn't like it when he was hitting on that reporter.

[18:10] That was really creepy and weird.

[18:12] But just looking at his work.

Stuart Wellington

[18:14] Yeah, using his body of work to inform you on the qualities of the man, Vin Diesel.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[18:21] You were just telling us how much you love the character Dominic Toretto.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] From The Fast and the Furious?

[18:28] Yeah, Furious.

[18:29] From The Fast and Furious, yeah.

[18:32] So, let's just do the plot of the movie.

[18:34] Oh, okay.

[18:35] It's super dumb.

[18:36] So, Michael Caine is retiring as his handler.

[18:39] And he says, what if...

[18:41] What would you do if this was your last...

[18:42] What's it all about?

[18:43] What's it all about, Al?

[18:44] Vin Diesel?

[18:46] Why do we fall, Master Witch Hunter?

[18:49] And he's got some mission for him the next day.

[18:54] He's going to retire and Elijah Wood is going to take over as Vin Diesel's handler.

[18:58] He's an up-and-coming young priest.

[18:59] But Michael Caine's character is murdered by witches.

[19:04] And now Vin Diesel is going to have to solve the mystery with the help of his sidekick, Elijah Wood.

[19:08] Except Elijah Wood kind of disappears from the movie for most of it.

[19:12] To go model turtlenecks, I guess.

[19:14] Yeah.

[19:15] He's always wearing turtlenecks with blazers over them.

[19:18] And it looks like either...

Dan McCoy

[19:20] Either he's wearing a fencing outfit or he's on a sailing vessel.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] He's either a sea captain for a cruise ship or he is...

Stuart Wellington

[19:27] Or he is in a new relationship that is very hickey heavy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] Or he is a professional ball player in the 70s on a date.

[19:38] Just turtleneck with a blazer over it.

[19:41] Maybe he's Leonard Nimoy hosting a special about the paranormal.

[19:45] Maybe he's Elliot Gould now, all the time.

[19:49] But Elijah Wood kind of disappears.

[19:50] But he explains, we met before when I was a kid.

[19:53] Witches burned my parents' house down and you saved me.

[19:56] Which raises the question, what did your parents do that your witches wanted to burn your house down?

[20:00] We learn the answer later.

[20:01] Now there's something about Elijah Wood that's a little off.

[20:04] This is just naturally part of Elijah Wood's persona and his presence.

[20:08] It really works in some movies.

[20:10] It doesn't work so much in movies like this.

[20:11] Like Lord of the Rings where he plays this ethereal drug addict named Frodo.

[20:16] Or even in The Trust, the movie we watch with Nicolas Cage where he's playing a character who is also on drugs.

[20:22] But it's just kind of like a little off.

[20:24] Now unfortunately in a movie like this, it's one of those movies where the minute you see him you're like,

[20:28] oh it's going to turn out he's a bad guy, right?

[20:30] And you don't learn that until six minutes before the movie's over, but you still know it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:36] Yeah, I mean if he had been in the movie more and had more things to do in the movie,

[20:43] maybe we wouldn't have suspected him.

[20:44] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Now they find a witch who seems to be related, who seems to have caused the crime.

[20:51] And Vin Diesel thinks he's been working with other witches.

[20:53] But the Witch Council, which is entirely made up of I think G.E. Smith's band from Saturday Night Live.

[21:00] They don't want to look and investigate any further and they condemn this lone man witch to...

[21:08] Which I realize now is not the word for that, it's a warlock.

[21:12] A man witch is like, what, like canned meat or something?

[21:14] It's what's for dinner, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] It's like a sloppy joe.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] Now, what happened to sloppy joe's brother, Neat and Tiny Joe?

[21:22] Fuck off.

Stuart Wellington

[21:24] Wait, why are they related?

[21:25] It's because of Bazooka Joe.

Elliott Kalan

[21:27] I feel like there's a goofus and gallant thing in like Sloppy Joe and Clean Joe Sandwich.

Stuart Wellington

[21:32] Sloppy Joe gets all over your clothes.

[21:35] Clean Joe is easy to wipe off.

[21:36] I can't believe they're related because of their first name.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] His first name is Sloppy.

[21:41] His last name is Joe.

Stuart Wellington

[21:43] Oh, that makes more sense.

[21:44] That makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] It's the Joe family of sandwiches.

[21:48] Speaking of sandwiches, witches.

[21:50] Okay.

[21:51] And they punish this man witch.

[21:53] I'm sorry.

[21:54] Punish this warlock by using a little metal scorpion to activate a giant stick and skull monster,

[22:02] which sucks him into hell, I guess, through his flaming maw.

Stuart Wellington

[22:06] As soon as this effect started, I was like, fuck, you don't need to do more special effects movie.

[22:12] But then the monster was kind of cool, so I was okay with it.

Dan McCoy

[22:14] I mean, the monster's cool looking.

[22:15] I mean, the only problem with it is it looks super CGI,

[22:18] but I don't know how you would do like a stick and skull monster that wouldn't be CGI.

[22:21] You'd do it as a puppet.

Elliott Kalan

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:23] Exhibit A, the dark crystal.

[22:25] Remember those things that they send out to capture the...

[22:28] The Gartham?

[22:29] Yeah, the Gartham.

[22:30] Thank you.

[22:30] That are essentially crab monsters.

[22:32] Those are like giant cicadas.

[22:33] And sure, once you realize that it's just two legs with a bunch of floppy things attached to the puppeteer's legs to make it look like there's a lot of legs,

[22:40] it's not that realistic anymore.

[22:42] But I bet they could pull that off nowadays.

Dan McCoy

[22:44] I mean, you're talking to a big puppet fan, man.

[22:47] I'm a puppet man.

[22:48] Puppet fan man.

[22:50] I'm a puppet master.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] Oh, you did not make that claim.

[22:54] No, I'm a puppet master.

Dan McCoy

[22:55] Andreas Toulon will take his revenge.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Now, that also implies that you cannot operate puppets.

Dan McCoy

[23:00] Is that the case?

[23:01] I mean, I've got a hand, don't I?

[23:02] I can stick that thing up someone's butt.

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] That's not...

[23:06] Okay, that's a proctology...

[23:07] That's how puppets work.

[23:08] That's proctology mastery.

[23:09] That's not puppet mastery.

[23:11] So, Dan, if you open up the Dictionary, which is Dan's Dictionary, and you look up puppetry...

[23:16] It's like an Ambrose Bierce thing.

[23:18] It's a puppetry noun.

[23:19] The act of sticking your hand up someone's butt.

[23:23] So, anyway, Vin Diesel's on the case, and he's suspicious.

[23:26] And what do you know, after a trip to a guy who's making bug cupcakes for people to eat...

Stuart Wellington

[23:34] And we find out Michael Caine isn't dead.

[23:36] He's in a state of suspended animation and cursed by another witch.

Elliott Kalan

[23:39] He's been cursed because they tried to get some information out of him.

[23:41] And he left a clue for Vin Diesel.

[23:43] Remember your death.

Dan McCoy

[23:45] I don't understand this on Michael Caine's part.

[23:48] Because he, like...

[23:49] He clearly knew everything about...

[23:53] We haven't gotten to it yet, but the heart is what's keeping Michael Caine...

[23:56] Or Vin Diesel alive.

[23:57] It's what's keeping all of us alive.

Elliott Kalan

[23:59] Now, what heart are you talking about, Dan?

[24:00] The heart of the witch.

[24:01] So, the witch queen, they keep saying in the beginning, destroy her heart, and she'll be destroyed.

[24:05] And it's like, yeah, that's everything.

[24:07] That's not just witches.

[24:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:08] If you destroyed my heart, I wouldn't be around anymore.

[24:11] Yeah, it's like saying, her one weakness is bullets.

Stuart Wellington

[24:14] Like, you know, the only thing that will kill her is the same things that kill other people.

[24:18] I mean, that was in ye olden days, Dan.

[24:20] I mean...

[24:20] They didn't have bullets.

[24:21] That would be pretty...

[24:22] That'd be some complicated magic.

Dan McCoy

[24:24] Their weakness is getting kicked in the...

[24:25] Kicked in the gut.

[24:27] They're like, her only...

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] She only has a few weaknesses.

[24:31] Strangulation, drowning, fire, falling from high heights.

[24:34] Karate chops.

[24:35] If you just, like, squeeze her throat till she can't breathe anymore, she's dead.

[24:38] Maybe you like...

[24:39] Cutting through her neck.

Dan McCoy

[24:40] Maybe making a small cut that gets infected.

Stuart Wellington

[24:43] Doing a really cool pile driver.

[24:45] Doing a tombstone pile driver.

[24:48] Doing a suplex.

[24:49] Doing two suplexes.

Elliott Kalan

[24:50] Now, let's say we had some kind of a motorized device, a mechanical horse, if you will.

[24:56] For lack of a better word, let's call it a motored cycle.

[24:58] And she was on that, and she was doing a very sharp turn, and it kind of tipped over, and she wasn't wearing a helmet.

[25:06] I guess we have those back now.

[25:09] She's not wearing one of those, and so there's a lot of brain trauma that could easily do it, or at the very least, put her in a coma she might not get out of.

[25:17] And at that point, just stab her.

[25:19] Who knows?

[25:20] Just take her off life support.

[25:22] Again, a thing we don't have now, but in this hypothetical world I'm describing, it exists.

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] Yeah.

[25:28] If her prone body was being supported by a bunch of, I don't know, sticks and weeds and stuff, we would call that life support, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[25:34] Now, here's, okay, we haven't yet discovered the new world, and in fact, all we know is this world, so I'm just, I don't know where that phrase came from.

[25:41] But imagine they had some kind of leaf which you could dry out and then light fire to, and there was a pleasing smoke that came from it that you would inhale into your lungs.

[25:49] If you did that, and you're the witch, if the witch would do that for, say, years to the point that her lungs were affected.

[25:56] And, again, the industry says there's no scientific link between these two outcomes, but I, you know what, I'm just going to go by anecdotal evidence on this one.

[26:05] That if she ingested enough of the smoke and hurt her lungs enough, that eventually that would give her, let's just call it, Emphys Zima, after Emphys over there, who's one of our, one of our parties.

[26:17] Hello, it's me, Emphys.

Stuart Wellington

[26:18] And his favorite drink, Zima.

[26:21] Also a thing we have, right?

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] We have that, right?

[26:24] Along with boxes of Boku, which ye olde Richard Lewis has been shilling around the campfire.

[26:32] Now, if she gains this disease, then that would also kill her, and we would not have to worry about the witches anymore.

[26:39] Okay, we're ready to go and break.

[26:42] Let's kill this witch, everybody.

[26:44] That's the same level of exposition we get in almost every scene of this movie.

[26:48] This movie loves to explain things.

[26:49] So when Vin Diesel decides, I have to revisit the memory of my death when I was made immortal.

[26:55] And where else to do that but at a witch bar, an underground witch bar that serves witches, where there's a young English witch who owns it, I guess, and gives him a spell for going back into his memories.

[27:05] But if he gets hurt in his memories, then he gets hurt in real life.

[27:08] Yeah, it's like Inception.

[27:09] There's a lot of dreamwalking in this.

[27:11] And what he learns from his death memories, eventually, after fighting a big bearded guy named Belial, is that it's in what's essentially the fight between Wolverine and the really heavy guy who can control mass in the Hellfire Club.

[27:27] Now I've got a question.

[27:27] Is that the White Bishop?

[27:29] Is he the White Bishop?

[27:30] I don't remember.

[27:30] Maybe he's the, I don't know.

[27:32] I can never remember their titles.

[27:34] I know Sebastian Shaw is the Black King, right?

[27:36] I mean, you've been-

[27:37] And Emma Frost is the White Queen because that's her name.

[27:39] Yeah.

[27:39] And Selina is what, the Black Queen.

[27:41] Mm-hmm.

[27:41] But then there's-

[27:42] Is Pierce one of them?

[27:43] Pierce?

[27:44] Pierce?

[27:44] Yeah.

[27:45] Pierce-

[27:46] Yeah, Pierce Brosnan was one of them.

[27:47] Well, it's James Bond.

[27:48] That's how he got to be James Bond, was he was a member of the Mutants Only Hellfire Club.

[27:52] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[27:53] And the Reavers had to sit off camera during the 007 movies.

[27:58] To protect him.

[27:59] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] Now, I have a question.

[28:01] Sure.

[28:01] Lay it on me.

[28:02] Then I'll tell you the secret of why Vin Diesel's death needed to be remembered.

Dan McCoy

[28:07] Now-

[28:07] It involves a heart.

[28:09] So I, as often happens, was not paying attention for part of this movie.

[28:13] Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] So how did-

[28:16] What were you doing?

[28:18] Michael Caine-

[28:18] Were you looking at Twitter?

[28:19] Was it Facebook?

[28:20] Were you just using an Etch-a-Sketch?

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] Probably all those at the same time.

[28:23] Okay.

[28:24] But-

[28:25] Were you carefully trying to arrange the perfect bite of Chinese food on your spoon?

[28:29] Mm-hmm.

[28:30] I have to get as much umami in here as possible.

Dan McCoy

[28:34] Mm-mami.

[28:35] Anyway.

[28:36] Just learned a little bit about Dan that I didn't want to know.

[28:38] So how did Michael Caine get across the idea that you need to go look at your past?

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] He, so there's a book-

[28:47] I missed that bit.

[28:47] So he has a book that got left behind.

[28:50] And as often happens in these movies-

Stuart Wellington

[28:52] So it was just a pile of clothes?

[28:54] What?

[28:54] No, wait.

[28:55] That's when somebody gets taken to heaven.

[28:56] It's their-

[28:57] Yeah, their rapture.

[28:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:58] He left a-

[28:59] So in his apartment, where they investigated, he left behind a book in which, as often happens

[29:05] when you're dying, you have enough time to flip through the pages of a book and find

[29:08] the exact words you need, and then put your bloody fingerprint on it to mark them.

[29:12] Okay.

[29:12] So he, with his bloody finger, marked the words, remember your death.

[29:16] And Vin Diesel, because he's amazing at skimming books, he's like Johnny Five from Short Circuit.

[29:20] He can just read a whole book just by flipping through the pages.

[29:22] Okay.

[29:23] He flipped through and found those blood marks almost instantly.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] Because I missed-

[29:27] Because I missed this, I was basically like, why did Michael Caine, instead of just being

[29:30] like, hey, Vin Diesel, remember your death, he could have been like, Vin Diesel, the

[29:37] witch's heart is still out there.

[29:39] Go find it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:40] Well, one, it's a secret that the witch's heart is still out there.

[29:42] Two, Michael Caine, they're not talking to him directly, he's in a death coma.

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:47] They're searching his stuff.

[29:48] So unless he left like an Obi-Wan Kenobi hologram behind.

[29:51] Right.

[29:52] Or, I guess Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't leave a hologram.

[29:54] He gets it called by-

Dan McCoy

[29:55] He shows up as a fucking force ghost, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[29:57] Unless he leaves a Mads Mikkelsen hologram behind that doesn't come out and say, here's

[30:04] what the thing you need to hit in the Death Star is, but tells you, if you go to this

[30:07] place and you do a thing using some mecha gloves, you'll be able to find the blueprints

[30:12] that have the shortcut to blowing up the Death Star.

[30:15] Again, I could just tell you right now.

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] Really, his real purpose is to make Saw Gerrera realize, you know what?

[30:22] I should stop fighting.

[30:23] It's time for me to die in a fireball.

Dan McCoy

[30:25] Okay.

[30:26] So you're saying that the point of how this came down is basically we need different video

[30:30] game levels that the hero has to go through until he gets to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[30:33] Kind of, yeah.

[30:34] Yeah.

[30:34] I mean, we would call them movies now.

[30:36] Okay.

[30:37] But essentially, a movie is just a promotional tool for the video game based on the movie.

[30:41] A movie's a video game for your mind.

[30:44] I guess so.

[30:46] I guess when you look at a video game, a movie is the laziest type of video game because there's

[30:51] no interaction to it.

[30:52] It's like just watching your friend play or like if you could just go into cutscenes

[30:56] only mode.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] I sit there watching Manchester by the Sea being like, why won't they do anything when

[31:01] I hit the X button?

[31:02] I keep telling them to fucking jump, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[31:04] You're sitting watching Manchester by the Sea going like, give me a turn.

[31:08] How come you get to keep playing as Casey Affleck?

[31:10] I want to dodge.

Dan McCoy

[31:11] Run home.

[31:12] Run home.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] Dodge.

[31:13] I want to go back and do that bonus round where you fix the woman's plumbing.

[31:19] That's a shitty side quest.

[31:20] What would a Manchester by the Sea video game entail anyway?

[31:24] And I'm not saying, and it's not like an RPG or like a text based adventure.

[31:28] That's too easy.

[31:28] It's got to be like a side scrolling platformer.

Stuart Wellington

[31:31] If you haven't seen Manchester by the Sea, just ride that 15 second skip button for about

[31:36] 20 minutes.

[31:38] Yeah, for all the spoilers for Manchester by the Sea.

[31:41] There's a pretty big spoiler in the middle of the movie.

[31:43] There's a couple of spoilies.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] Yeah.

[31:45] I mean, the part where it turns out he's Batman.

[31:47] What?

[31:48] It wasn't Ben at all.

[31:49] It was Casey.

Dan McCoy

[31:50] That's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] At the end where he shoots Jesse James in the back.

Dan McCoy

[31:53] The twist where it turns out that Manchester is actually by the desert.

[31:57] Yeah.

[31:58] Very strange.

[32:00] It's a dune sea.

[32:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:02] But it turns out that you're reading a book called Manchester by some guy who's pretentiously

[32:06] named himself The Sea.

[32:09] The letter C?

[32:10] Yeah.

[32:11] And that's why it's for Cookie and that's good enough for me.

[32:14] No.

[32:15] Manchester by the Sea.

[32:16] What if it was like a Street Fighter type fighting game?

Stuart Wellington

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:18] Well, it'd be like...

[32:19] In case you have like, is this fighting grief?

Dan McCoy

[32:22] And then there's a scene where...

[32:22] Wait, there's only two options for characters you can play?

[32:25] Yeah.

[32:25] He encounters Michelle Williams and she's trying to like talk to him.

[32:28] He's like, no, punch, punch.

Elliott Kalan

[32:30] You're making me feel too many feelings.

[32:31] Punch, punch.

[32:32] Sidequest.

[32:33] Identify your brother's body in the morgue.

Stuart Wellington

[32:35] How are there side quests in a fighting game?

[32:38] Well, like that...

[32:39] Is that like the level where you...

[32:40] Where you beat up a car.

[32:41] Where you beat up a car.

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:42] Where you get points by beating up a car.

[32:44] Okay.

[32:45] Your story checks out.

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] The Street Fighter level that's based on the little movie after the Black or White video

[32:50] by Michael Jackson.

[32:51] Where he's just beating up a car for some reason.

[32:54] And people are like, why is he doing that?

[32:56] And it's like, he was a panther a moment ago.

[32:58] Are you...

[32:58] I mean, I'm just glad he's taking human form again.

Dan McCoy

[33:01] I was just watching The Simpsons 15 minutes ago and now this is happening?

Elliott Kalan

[33:05] Now I'm living in this strange world.

[33:08] Oh.

[33:09] I can never...

[33:10] I remember as a kid being not quite sure why...

[33:11] I mean, he told us he was fucking bad, right?

[33:14] He explained to us how bad he was at that length.

[33:17] Come on.

[33:17] He told us to beat it.

[33:18] Mm-hmm.

[33:19] Makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] It was a thriller.

[33:22] He's a smooth criminal.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] I mean...

[33:24] It's all right there in front of us.

[33:26] All he wants to say is that you don't really care about us.

[33:28] Yep.

[33:28] Follow the breadcrumbs.

[33:29] Hey, remember the times?

Stuart Wellington

[33:31] That was afterwards.

[33:32] That came later.

Elliott Kalan

[33:33] Sure.

[33:33] But it's still him, right?

Stuart Wellington

[33:36] I think...

[33:37] Is that the one where he morphs out of a sand?

[33:40] A sand.

[33:40] Because it's ancient Egypt.

[33:41] Yeah.

[33:42] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[33:42] Hey, look.

[33:42] It's all ancient history.

[33:44] Mm-hmm.

[33:45] Moving on.

[33:46] So Vin Diesel's...

[33:47] Man in the mirror.

[33:49] Vin Diesel picks up a new sidekick.

[33:52] Elijah Wood just wasn't cutting it as a sidekick.

[33:54] So he picks up this young English lady witch.

[33:56] And he learns that the heart that he thought was destroyed from the queen witch, if they had destroyed it, it would have killed him as well.

[34:04] He's bonded to it magically.

[34:06] So the Axes and Crosses Church has been keeping it around so that he can fight witches for centuries.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] Yeah, the main guy lied to Vin Diesel and instead he took that heart and he just stuck it in his pocket.

Dan McCoy

[34:18] Mm-hmm.

[34:18] He's like, hey, more heart for me.

[34:20] And when Stu says stuck in his pocket, he literally stuck it in his pocket.

[34:23] Yeah.

[34:24] He took a witch's heart and just slipped it into his robe pocket as if like, no one saw that, right?

Stuart Wellington

[34:31] That was like back in the day when dudes would just walk around with like a sausage wrapped in wax paper in their pocket, dude.

[34:37] Yeah.

[34:38] Could you imagine if he like bumped into some fucking dude and he just pulls a sausage wrapped in wax paper out of his pocket?

[34:47] How much...

[34:47] He starts gnawing on that thing, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[34:49] How much wax paper were people making and buying in the 13th century?

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] It was a pretty important commodity though, right?

[34:57] They had paper.

[34:58] They had wax.

[34:59] They just, you know, waxed that paper.

[35:01] So you just think it was like...

[35:02] They just left that thing wet in their pocket?

[35:04] Yeah, I think so.

[35:05] Oh, man.

[35:06] It was a gross time.

[35:07] Everyone was dying.

[35:08] So that's what I'm saying.

[35:09] I'm like, a fucking crazy witch heart that is totally CGI, so it's not that gross.

[35:15] You're right.

[35:15] It's not mushy or gloppy.

Dan McCoy

[35:17] It was basically a big cinder at that point, but still.

Stuart Wellington

[35:20] And then I'll keep him warm on the walk-on.

Dan McCoy

[35:22] I'm just saying I'm not putting a witch heart in my coat.

[35:25] Okay.

[35:26] So I don't want to ask me.

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] Your objection is noted.

Elliott Kalan

[35:28] I won't ask you to carry a witch heart in your coat, Dan.

[35:31] Thank you.

[35:32] I'm glad I know that now so I don't have the embarrassment of trying to get you to carry my witch heart and you telling me no.

[35:38] Look, I love you guys.

[35:39] Now I'm standing there with a witch heart that I can't get carried.

Dan McCoy

[35:42] But there are limits, man.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] So after we find that out...

[35:47] He has to find out where the heart is.

[35:49] The answer, home.

[35:50] Home's always where the heart is.

[35:52] But not in this movie.

[35:54] And to make a long story short...

[35:55] Sometimes it's in San Francisco.

[35:57] Be fair.

[35:58] Good.

[35:58] Okay.

[35:59] Some people leave their hearts there.

[36:00] The Lost and Found...

[36:01] Have you ever been to Lost and Found in San Francisco?

[36:03] Piles of hearts.

[36:04] It's disgusting.

[36:06] Ironically, also, the grocery stores in San Francisco also have piles of beef hearts in them.

[36:12] I don't know if I'd say that's ironic.

[36:15] It's not dramatic irony.

[36:16] I mean, it's ironic because San Francisco sold its cows in order to get...

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] But then someone got them beef hearts as a gift.

Elliott Kalan

[36:25] Oh.

[36:26] Yeah.

[36:26] Okay.

[36:27] I think it was Captain Beefheart who did it.

[36:28] Oh, Henry.

Dan McCoy

[36:34] That's how he got his name.

[36:35] He's just very generous with beef hearts.

[36:37] He's a Johnny Appleseed type.

Stuart Wellington

[36:39] And that's also what got him promoted through the ranks.

Elliott Kalan

[36:42] Captain Beefheart just going around leaving beef hearts around.

[36:47] And he's like, none of these beef hearts are grown in a beef heart tree.

[36:50] You people are doing it wrong.

[36:52] Someone catch that guy.

[36:54] Take him to the fucking sanitarium.

[36:56] And there was only one guy who was tough enough to catch him.

[36:58] A bounty hunter by the name of Zappa.

Stuart Wellington

[37:01] I thought you were going to say Boz Skaggs.

[37:04] And his two henchmen, Deacon Blues.

[37:07] And Kid Charleby.

[37:09] Okay.

[37:10] Sure.

[37:10] Steely Dan song.

[37:11] Okay, fine.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] I'm not a big Steely fan.

Stuart Wellington

[37:13] I don't really know Steely Dan.

[37:14] You're not a Steely fan?

[37:15] What about you, Steely Dan?

[37:16] I know.

[37:17] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] Last Witch Hunter.

[37:20] Okay, I'll see you guys later.

[37:21] So, belly...

Dan McCoy

[37:22] Okay, well, I'll see you.

[37:23] It happened again.

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] Stuart's beer.

[37:26] It happened again.

[37:27] His beer overfloweth.

[37:29] That's okay.

[37:31] Not as much as last time.

[37:32] No.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] You're like, that's okay.

[37:33] I don't live here.

Elliott Kalan

[37:34] This is Dan's place.

Stuart Wellington

[37:36] I don't give a shit if it's covered in beer.

[37:38] Yeah, it's not like a fucking Mogwai's going to run up, lick it, and turn into a gremlin

[37:41] later.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] And then he'll be a drunk gremlin.

[37:43] Wait, hold on a second.

[37:44] Wait.

[37:44] So, that counts as food?

[37:46] Because I thought you were going to say about getting him wet, and then he multiplies.

Stuart Wellington

[37:52] It counts as both, right?

[37:54] That's amazing.

[37:55] It's beer.

[37:56] Yeah.

[37:56] It's a good thing that Billy...

[37:57] I think I have a spec script for Gremlins 3.

Elliott Kalan

[38:01] It's in a brewery, and Billy is like, why did we take Gizmo to this brewery tour?

[38:06] Mm-hmm.

[38:06] He doesn't even drink.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] He's a real hop head.

[38:11] Anyway.

[38:12] He's a home brewer.

[38:13] He needs a hobby.

[38:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:15] He's left at home all day.

[38:17] He's got to do something.

[38:18] You're talking about Gizmo now?

[38:19] Gizmo.

Stuart Wellington

[38:20] Yeah.

[38:20] No, it's not like he has a job, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:24] So, I did Gizmo, like, very, like, wearily punching in and punching out.

[38:29] He puts on a three-piece cage.

Dan McCoy

[38:31] He's going to write his memoirs?

[38:32] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] I'd read those.

Dan McCoy

[38:36] You're telling me you wouldn't?

[38:39] Well, what is memoirs?

[38:40] Because I'm trying to sit here and...

Stuart Wellington

[38:42] Well, there'd be, like...

[38:44] Mogwai Days or something like that?

[38:45] Half the book would be, like, the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, but with Gizmo, like,

[38:49] in an adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[38:50] So, it's what, him, like, fighting in World War I?

Stuart Wellington

[38:52] But with very realistic CGI backgrounds.

Dan McCoy

[38:56] So...

[38:57] It's just like, don't get me wet, with him, like, shrugging.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] It's like, it's not my fault.

[39:03] It's called Don't Wet the Small Stuff.

[39:05] And it's...

[39:06] And the cover photo is him, and you just see people's legs next to him, because he's so

[39:10] short, and he's like, hey.

[39:12] Yeah.

[39:13] Are you there, Stripe?

[39:14] It's me, Gizmo.

[39:17] Where were we?

[39:18] So, we...

[39:19] The witch gets brought back to life by Belial, the guy who was set up as the villain in the

[39:23] movie, but really isn't.

[39:24] He's only in a couple scenes, and Vin Diesel just defeats this witch by shooting him.

[39:29] I know.

[39:29] He throws a knife through his neck.

[39:31] Oh, that's right.

[39:31] He...

[39:32] The witch is trying to shoot him, because with all the magic at his command, he decides a

[39:36] sawed-off shotgun is a better way to try to get the immortal witch hunter.

[39:40] But the witch comes back, the queen witch.

[39:43] Vin Diesel's got to stop her, because in a couple days, her big hive of soul-stealing

[39:48] flies that take over people's minds will erupt out of a church in the middle of New York.

[39:54] Mm-hmm.

[39:55] They have to walk through some dreams to do it.

[39:58] Yeah.

[39:58] There's an elaborate mythos that is not worth getting into.

[40:01] It comes down to the final moments.

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] Our three favorite characters, Vin Diesel, the last witch hunter.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] Elijah Wood, Captain Turtleneck.

[40:10] Mm-hmm.

[40:11] And Lady.

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] And Lady Witch.

[40:13] And Lady Barkeep.

[40:14] Chloe, I think her name is.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] I think you're right.

[40:16] I could not remember.

Stuart Wellington

[40:17] Who has one really great moment when Vin Diesel is suiting up, and she says, like, who

[40:24] says a witch can't hunt other witches?

[40:26] And then does this little move with her hand, like she's supposed to be spinning a knife.

[40:30] The knife does not spin at all.

[40:31] I think they were like, well, I didn't post.

[40:33] They don't add it in post.

[40:35] And Vin Diesel looks at her.

[40:36] I think it's supposed to be a knowing look, like, oh.

[40:40] But instead, he just looks at her like, wait, is it my cue?

Elliott Kalan

[40:45] Do I have another line in the scene, or is that how we're ending the scene?

[40:49] Now, we haven't talked about Chloe a lot, but she's just been following Vin Diesel around.

[40:53] Sometimes she helps him.

[40:54] Sometimes she reminds him of what's important to him, which is his wife and child, which

[40:58] we see in.

[41:00] So if anyone's seen the movie The Pawn Broker, which is a heartbreaking film starring Rod Steiger,

[41:05] where he is a Holocaust survivor who is haunted by memories of his wife and his daughter, who

[41:09] he lost in the Holocaust.

[41:11] And now he's reacted to that by withdrawing within himself.

[41:15] I don't know why, but that has somehow been filtered through into action movies.

[41:21] It's now the shorthand where it's like, this guy, if you want to make this tough guy seem

[41:27] justified, give him a wife and child and then imply that they died at some point.

[41:32] Or just, you know, were murdered by somebody.

[41:34] And it's like...

[41:35] This justifies absolute force.

[41:37] And it's the weird thing of like, we're given no reason to care about his family ever.

[41:42] And every flashback we see, he's wearing that goofy beard and goofy hair.

[41:46] Yeah.

[41:46] And he is not a man who looks natural with a beard.

[41:49] And you're just...

Dan McCoy

[41:51] No, I mean, like he's dandling the baby and you just keep hoping that the baby's going to

[41:56] grab that beard off of him.

[41:57] Just pull it off.

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] You mean the baby that he's holding in his arms one moment and then the shot shifts slightly

[42:03] and then he's like holding a bunch of logs.

[42:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:07] And he's horrified.

[42:08] Ah, logs!

[42:10] I gave birth to logs!

Dan McCoy

[42:12] I didn't give birth to logs, but you know what I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] To judge by his memories, all he did with his family was hang around a stream and twirl them.

[42:21] And that was his whole life before, I guess, he got into the witch hunting biz.

Stuart Wellington

[42:25] Which in a way, that would be like if Luke Skywalker spent all of Empire Strikes Back and Return

[42:30] of the Jedi, like complaining that he wasn't shitting around on a moisture farm.

[42:35] Like clearly Luke's life improved.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] Um, I don't...

[42:39] It clearly got better.

Stuart Wellington

[42:41] He got to meet his dad.

[42:42] He got his hand replaced with a dope-ass metal hand.

[42:46] That's true.

[42:47] He met Jabba the Hutt.

Elliott Kalan

[42:48] What's that guy's deal?

[42:50] He's like a giant slug.

[42:51] As someone with a family, I will say that as cool as being an immortal witch hunter would

[42:57] be, I think it would not make up for losing my family.

[43:03] And that's why he feels guilty, because in his heart he felt that before they died.

[43:07] He was like, I'd be such a good witch hunter.

[43:08] I'd be able to really dedicate myself to witch hunting if I didn't have these responsibilities.

Stuart Wellington

[43:12] But like, nothing in his performance or story, other than in these flashbacks, indicates that

[43:18] he is anything but loving it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] He's, yeah, that being a witch hunter in the 21st century is the best thing that ever happened

[43:25] to him.

Stuart Wellington

[43:25] He's got a fucking pool table in his living room, dude.

[43:28] All right.

[43:29] And he's in like a fancy apartment building.

[43:32] That shit must have been heavy to carry up.

[43:35] You think he did it?

[43:36] Hell yeah, dude.

[43:37] He's super tough.

[43:38] I feel like for like some sort of significant birthday for Stuart, we just need to pull

Dan McCoy

[43:43] our money and buy him a pool table.

[43:45] That's what he wants.

[43:47] Clearly he's not made it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] He'll just like a frame glossy that's autographed by Vin Diesel.

[43:52] Of him playing pool.

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] Give me that six by ten.

[43:58] Some Flophouse fan, you better get us a photograph of Vin Diesel playing pool somewhere.

[44:03] Don't grab it off the internet.

[44:05] You take a picture of him in a pool hall.

[44:07] And if he's dressed in his last witch hunter costume, which is just his regular clothes,

[44:11] go ahead.

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] You know he shows up to pool halls in like a dope-ass international male leather coat.

[44:18] Or like a mesh sleeveless shirt.

[44:20] And with a pool cue that he has to like screw five parts together.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Or it's like it comes all bent and he goes like this and goes, whew, and just whips it

[44:32] out and it goes clack, clack, clack, clack, clack.

[44:34] And it all, and it turns into one stiff pool cue.

[44:36] But it's like Daredevil's billy club.

[44:39] It folds up into a bunch of little pieces.

Stuart Wellington

[44:40] Yep, and he's got some like silent blind guy behind him.

[44:43] And you're like, whoa, that guy's got to be crazy.

[44:45] And the guy like blesses his cue with some kind of weird magic.

[44:49] Yep.

[44:51] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] So they're at the final witch battle with the queen witch.

[44:56] Elijah Wood, it turns out, was been a spy the whole time.

[45:01] He says, those parents who burned my house down, those witches who burned my house down, those

[45:05] were my parents.

[45:06] But I was born without magic.

[45:08] And now that I've helped the witch queen.

[45:09] He's a muggle.

[45:10] Now that I've helped the witch queen.

[45:11] Which really, like that must be a recessive trait to non-magic if two witches have a baby,

[45:16] right?

Stuart Wellington

[45:17] I mean, do you think it's more common for boy children to not have magic?

[45:22] What do you think?

[45:23] There's plenty of male witches in the movie.

[45:25] Mm-hmm.

[45:25] Or man witches.

[45:26] The man witches.

Elliott Kalan

[45:28] They're delicious.

Dan McCoy

[45:30] Do you think that it was a choice for him to have the turtleneck all the time because

[45:34] he was burnt?

[45:35] Do you think that they actually like thought that through?

[45:38] Maybe.

[45:38] I mean, the only time you see burnt my hands.

[45:40] It's also stylish.

[45:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:41] Yeah, it also looks great.

[45:43] I mean, genuinely, that's a look that I would like to have come back in full force.

Dan McCoy

[45:47] Yeah?

[45:47] Turtlenecks under blazers.

[45:49] I think it looks pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] All right.

[45:50] Mainly because you look like the evil president of America in a movie made in the 1970s, but

[45:55] still.

Dan McCoy

[45:56] Or you look like someone who's trying to shut down Animal House.

[46:00] Mm-hmm.

[46:00] I mean, I would love to shut down Animal House.

[46:02] Those people are assholes.

[46:03] Yeah, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] I'm not putting a value judgment on it.

[46:07] I'm just saying that's what you look like.

[46:08] I mean, I'm putting a value judgment against the members of Animal House.

[46:11] Yeah.

[46:12] What's their fraternity called?

Elliott Kalan

[46:13] Like, Kappa Douche?

[46:15] They're a bunch of jerks.

[46:17] All right.

[46:18] I'm just going to say right now.

[46:19] I don't belong to that fraternity.

[46:20] I don't know why you're so taking all this out on me.

[46:23] I mean, I'm not taking it out on you.

[46:25] You're getting pretty defensive.

[46:25] You're just talking about how much you love Animal House and you think it's not racist at all.

[46:29] Tattoo on my arm.

[46:30] Doesn't mean that I'm...

[46:31] That says Viva Animal House.

Dan McCoy

[46:33] That says Bluto life.

[46:36] Because I have that fucking Bluto poster on my wall.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] The one where he's running the poster on the sweatshirt that says college.

[46:42] Yeah.

[46:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:43] Along with, like, the two girls kissing and one that says,

[46:46] is your washroom breathing Bolsheviks.

[46:47] It's all up on my...

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] So what happened was...

[46:49] And the poster that says, everything I learned in college,

[46:51] and it's all different beer cans.

[46:52] Yeah, and I got Einstein sticking his tongue out over him.

Stuart Wellington

[46:55] Oh, of course.

[46:55] What happened was a witch grabbed Dan and cursed him to keep those posters on his walls forever.

Elliott Kalan

[47:00] Forever.

[47:01] That's why you've got that Jenny McCarthy as Santa Claus's daughter, I don't know.

[47:06] Yeah.

[47:07] Poster.

[47:08] I don't even remember that one.

[47:09] Oh, that was one that was in the CD store poster racks when I was growing up.

[47:13] In, like, the Sam Goody.

[47:15] You know how they sold posters in CD stores?

[47:17] There was the...

[47:18] They would change their poster selection, but there was always one that was, like,

[47:22] Jenny McCarthy in a bikini with a Santa hat on.

[47:24] Mm-hmm.

[47:25] Year-round was just part of the selection, and I don't know if it's because...

[47:28] Year-round, but she's got a Santa hat on.

[47:30] Exactly.

[47:30] I don't know if it was because it was their best seller or their worst seller.

[47:33] Oh.

[47:33] They just could not move it.

[47:35] Because I'll tell you, those Spuds McKenzie posters, they could not keep on the shelves.

[47:39] They changed them all the time.

[47:39] Yeah, they were very seasonal.

[47:42] They were so seasonal.

[47:43] He was holding that day's newspaper in every poster.

[47:47] Because he had been kidnapped.

[47:51] Or I guess he wanted to prove he was from the future.

[47:53] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[47:55] So...

[47:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[47:56] He's the...

[47:58] He was in an early version of the TV show, Early Edition.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] It was called Early, Early Edition.

[48:04] Yeah.

[48:05] Uh, so Elijah Wood turns on Vin Diesel, and, uh, Witch Queen...

[48:11] And you're like, this fight is gonna be good.

[48:13] And the Witch Queen says, no, if you were born without magic, that just makes you a human.

[48:17] And she kills Elijah Wood.

[48:18] So he got played in the shade.

[48:21] Mm-hmm.

[48:22] Meanwhile, the Witch Chloe is doing some...

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] This turnabout only matters because the Witch Queen shows up, and Vin Diesel is like,

[48:29] Okay, I'm gonna slow motion slash this thing of fire.

[48:33] Now my sword is on fire.

[48:34] And then he just beats the shit out of her with his flaming sword.

[48:37] Like, it's not even close.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] Yeah.

[48:38] The way that he manages to defeat the evil Witch Queen, who has, I guess, bedeviled the

[48:43] earth for centuries, is by stabbing her in the heart with the sword.

[48:46] He, like, throws the fucking sword into her.

[48:48] And takes a sword from his closet that he could have been using the whole movie, and then

[48:52] just throws it at her and stabs her to the heart.

[48:55] The end.

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:57] And all the flies he released just fall to the ground as Michael Caine looks on smiling.

Dan McCoy

[49:01] It's one of these movies where you're like, well, I guess this could have, like, been

[49:04] resolved in ten minutes if he just found the Witch earlier.

[49:08] Like, all it takes is fighting the Witch, which was the plan from the beginning.

Stuart Wellington

[49:12] If only there was a reaction shot of a couple dining al fresco in New York on this lovely

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] summer day, only to have an entire wave of dead flies land upon their pizza pie.

[49:25] And here's what would happen.

[49:27] There's a guy, if this movie was made in the late 80s, here's what would happen.

[49:31] Is the flies, there'd be a guy, you would see a guy eating soup at an outdoor cafe, and

[49:37] he'd look up scared as this wave of flies cover the sun and blacken the sky.

[49:42] And people are running, ah, and he's just sitting there in shock.

[49:46] And then, meanwhile, Vin Diesel solves the whole problem.

[49:49] And then the flies fall, and one of them falls in his soup, and he'll go, waiter, there's

[49:54] a fly in my soup?

[49:55] And then a ton of flies would fall on his soup.

Stuart Wellington

[49:58] And the waiter's played by Ed Beagley Jr., I think.

Elliott Kalan

[50:00] Yeah, Ed Beagley Jr., the dog version of Ed Beagley Jr.

[50:04] It was like a William Wegman photo.

[50:06] It was just a dog dressed up as Ed Beagley Jr. driving an electric car.

[50:12] It's a regular Rover Dangerfield situation.

[50:15] The sequel, Ed Beagley Jr.

[50:17] And they're like, it turns out Ed Beagley Jr. just doesn't have the memorable mannerisms

[50:21] that Rodney Dangerfield has.

Stuart Wellington

[50:23] Who was Rover Dangerfield for?

[50:26] Like, do you think adults were like, this fucking cartoon's gonna be raw as fuck?

Elliott Kalan

[50:32] He is, it has to be, I assume it's one of those things that like Ralph Bakshi was the original

[50:37] creator.

[50:38] And then they kicked him off and brought in Don Bluth.

[50:41] Now, so the other thing they would do if this was an 80s movie is Vin Diesel would then

[50:47] walk out of the broken church with Chloe with him and there'd be a crowd outside chanting,

[50:51] witch hunter, witch hunter, witch hunter.

[50:53] And they'd kiss right in front of the crowd.

[50:56] Cue rap.

Dan McCoy

[50:57] And then there'd be like a slow pan out on New York.

Elliott Kalan

[51:01] And then a last witch would fly out.

[51:03] I mean, this is just the ending of Ghostbusters at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[51:06] And it's not that far from the ending of the movie we just watched.

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] Yeah.

[51:09] And so in the ending.

Dan McCoy

[51:11] It would be a different like pan out on New York though.

[51:13] There'd be like saxophone music.

[51:15] It would be basically the romance in the stone thing.

[51:18] So.

Elliott Kalan

[51:20] So.

[51:22] Something we forgot to mention is that Vin Diesel lost his immortality at a certain point

[51:28] in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[51:29] That was actually something I thought was kind of cool in that when the witch first, back

[51:35] in the olden days when the witch first grabbed Vin Diesel and gave him his curse, later on

[51:40] it's revealed that his curse was actually her storing her immortality inside him.

[51:47] And that later on when they are reunited, she takes it back from him.

[51:52] Reunited and it feels so bad.

[51:53] Which it kind of makes sense because up until this point, there was nothing about his immortality

[51:59] that seemed like a curse.

[52:00] No.

[52:00] He was fucking living it up.

Elliott Kalan

[52:01] And he had Wolverine healing powers.

[52:04] Sorry, you were saying he was living it up.

[52:05] What did he have in his apartment?

[52:08] He was living it up.

[52:09] But what, he had something specific in his apartment that really symbolizes.

[52:12] What was it?

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] It was a collection of really cool swords and antique watches.

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] Some kind of recreational table of a kind that he had in his apartment.

Stuart Wellington

[52:21] I mean, he had a lot of really nice shirts and he drove and asked him Martin, oh, he had

[52:26] a pool table.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] Yep.

[52:28] The only way he could have been cooler is if he had an actual pool in his apartment.

[52:32] Which maybe he did.

[52:33] We didn't see the whole thing.

[52:34] Mm-hmm.

[52:35] But he's got one of those Robert De Niro apartments where it costs $100,000 a month

[52:39] to rent it.

[52:40] What?

Dan McCoy

[52:41] Now I want that signed photo of Vin Diesel to say, too cool for pool.

[52:45] Love, Vin.

[52:47] Too steward.

Elliott Kalan

[52:48] Too steward is all the way at the bottom?

[52:50] Yeah, that's right.

[52:51] Because usually the two goes at the top.

Stuart Wellington

[52:52] I want it to say.

[52:53] Vin don't play by your rules.

[52:54] I want it to be signed, welcome to my ool.

[52:57] Notice there's no pee in it.

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] Except in the picture, he's peeing on the pool table.

[53:02] Oh, man.

[53:03] Vin always keeping me on my toes.

[53:05] And in the end, we're led to believe that Vin Diesel has left the Axe and Cross Society.

[53:10] And in the end, the love you make.

[53:11] Now he kills witches.

[53:13] Now, let me finish this dumb movie.

[53:16] Now he kills witches for himself.

[53:18] But Michael Caine's still going to work with him.

[53:20] And he's still super rich.

[53:21] So effectively, his life has not changed at all.

[53:23] Except now he's got a sidekick in the form of Chloe, the vampire who kills other vampires.

[53:28] She's like the Dexter of vampires, if you will.

[53:31] Witches, but it's the same thing.

[53:34] I thought Michael Caine was going to retire.

[53:36] When I say vampires, I meant witches.

[53:37] Whatever stupid mythological thing has a secret society hidden below the earth.

[53:43] And then, wasn't this written by the underworld guy?

Stuart Wellington

[53:48] I think that was.

[53:48] But this steward at one point.

[53:49] I thought it was written by David Mamet.

Elliott Kalan

[53:51] Yeah, no, it was written by David Mammoth.

Stuart Wellington

[53:57] Really?

[53:58] Oh, what a stupid joke.

[54:01] He's like David Mammoth, but he's much bigger.

[54:03] Oh my god, the stupidest Flintstones joke.

Elliott Kalan

[54:06] We got to do a new Flintstones now where they go to a play by David Mammoth.

[54:11] It's called Glen Gary Glen Rock.

Dan McCoy

[54:12] Yeah, guys, this was.

[54:19] The guy who wrote this also wrote, he didn't write the original Underworld.

[54:23] He wrote 2016's Underworld Blood Wars.

[54:28] But he also wrote.

[54:29] In theaters now, right?

[54:30] He also wrote Flophouse film Priest.

[54:33] Remember that one?

[54:34] I wasn't here for that one.

[54:35] That was that.

[54:36] Oh, bet me.

Stuart Wellington

[54:37] Priest was the futuristic Priest killing vampires movie, right?

Dan McCoy

[54:42] Yeah.

[54:42] Oh, and one of the other writers of this wrote Dracula Untold and Gods of Egypt.

[54:47] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[54:48] So this is a cavalcade of Flophouse screenwriters.

Stuart Wellington

[54:51] And I know in early, at one point when this movie was first in development, it was going

[54:55] to be directed by Timur Bembenkamp or whatever.

[54:59] Yeah, Bembenkamp.

[55:00] No, the dude.

Elliott Kalan

[55:01] Who did Nightwatch?

[55:01] Who did Nightwatch, yeah.

[55:03] Timur Bembenkamp.

[55:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:05] Tinder, the app.

[55:07] It was going to be directed by Tinder, yeah.

[55:09] So, of course, the movie ends.

[55:12] It pans back.

[55:14] It pans labyrinth.

[55:15] And we go to credits, and the credits immediately start in with this really sick-ass club version

[55:26] of Paint It Black.

[55:27] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:28] And that's it.

[55:30] That's the movie.

[55:31] Oh, but also, oh, what I was going to say.

[55:33] There's a part where.

[55:34] How were the bloopers?

[55:35] And there were no bloops.

[55:37] Oh, man.

[55:37] No bloops, no bloops.

[55:40] No bloops.

[55:42] No bloops.

[55:43] We have to assume.

[55:44] I mean, off the set, I'm sure they were pooping.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] It took them more than one day to do this.

[55:49] Oh, they didn't do it on set?

[55:50] Well, that's right.

[55:51] That's good.

[55:52] I mean, that made me for the German version of the film.

[55:54] They put it up on the, they had a big fucking sign.

[55:56] It's like, one rule on this set, no pooping.

[55:59] It is.

[55:59] This is our set.

[56:00] Notice there's no poop in it.

Stuart Wellington

[56:03] Well, there's, that's the thing about text and subtext, guys.

[56:06] As long as nobody tells you that nobody's pooping on set, you can only assume they are pooping.

[56:11] Text and text max.

Dan McCoy

[56:11] Well, there's nothing in the rule book that says I can't poop on the set.

[56:14] Like, actually, there, it is, there's a rule about that.

Stuart Wellington

[56:19] What?

[56:19] Is there a rule book for movie sets, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[56:21] I mean, there's a legal rule.

[56:23] Have you made a bunch of movies?

[56:23] There's a rule rules.

[56:24] There's like, there's safety rules.

[56:26] There's lots of rule books for movies.

[56:28] Okay, okay, Hollywood.

[56:29] All right.

[56:30] Yeah, Doc Hollywood.

[56:32] What were you going to say?

[56:33] So there's a scene where they go to a bakery, and it turns out it's actually a witch runs it, and he's been putting bugs in the cupcakes.

[56:41] And Stuart made a comment about, like, oh, it's so Men in Black-ish.

[56:44] And, like, yeah, this movie is, like, Underworld slammed with Men in Black, but, like, without the imagination of Men in Black, I guess.

[56:52] Where there's the idea of, the same way that, like, the Hellboy movies never quite do it for me because it feels a little too much like they're just doing Men in Black.

Stuart Wellington

[56:59] Yeah, he's like, I just want to make a bunch of Mos Eisley Cantina.

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] Yeah, like, this feels like that to a certain extent where it's like, oh, look at this hidden world going on all around you, except it's pretty boring.

[57:11] It's not actually that interesting or exciting, this hidden world.

[57:14] It's just people.

Stuart Wellington

[57:15] Yeah, it's like, we're going to do the same shit that we normally do, but there's going to be magical floating lights.

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] There's going to be a lot of glowy things that are CGI in the air.

Dan McCoy

[57:23] So let's do final judgments, whether this was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[57:31] I'm going to go first, and I'm going to say it's a bad bad movie.

[57:35] It captured my interest less than Home Sweet Hell, last time's movie.

[57:43] We didn't even get to the scene with the witch fashion show.

[57:46] Yeah, my attention drifted so far that I had to paddle back to shore to continue watching the film.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] If this was kind of a lazy lake inner tube floating thing, then there was probably a certain point where Dan woke up, saw that he was out of sight of us.

Dan McCoy

[58:08] Yeah, out of sight of land.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] And had to figure...

[58:11] I was in the middle of the sea.

[58:11] Quickly had to figure...

[58:12] I mean, this already sounds like a more exciting movie than what we watched.

[58:15] Yeah.

[58:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:16] So, yeah, I did not care for this movie.

[58:18] It bored me.

Stuart Wellington

[58:19] I'm going to give it a bad bad too, because it was boring.

[58:22] And, you know, I'm going to change things up, guys.

[58:25] No, you're not.

[58:25] And say it's a bad bad movie.

[58:27] Twist.

Elliott Kalan

[58:30] And that's the last Witch Hunter, folks.

Dan McCoy

[58:36] Going into a Bullseye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work.

[58:41] I don't know what's going to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[58:44] Oh, that's interesting.

[58:46] I never thought about that.

Dan McCoy

[58:48] Is that possible?

[58:49] Is that true?

[58:50] That's possible.

[58:50] Yeah.

[58:51] Should I check where you're a therapist?

[58:55] No, but I will be.

Stuart Wellington

[58:57] Who are you, dude?

[58:58] You're all over the place.

[58:58] I got a lot of respect for you, man.

[59:00] That's dope.

[59:01] Bullseye.

Dan McCoy

[59:02] Creators you know.

[59:03] Creators you need to know.

[59:04] Find it at maximumfun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

Elliott Kalan

[59:08] The first ever Very, Very Fun Day is coming to Talley Hall in Chicago on February 11th with media sponsorship from WBEZ 91.5.

[59:19] Advanced tickets are sold out, but we will have a limited number of tickets for sale at the door.

[59:24] So come on out for a day jam-packed with five great MaxFun podcasts, four local shows, and a comic showcase.

[59:30] For more information, please visit maximumfun.org slash veryveryfunday.

[59:37] But now is the point.

[59:39] Dan's favorite word.

Dan McCoy

[59:41] Where we honor our fine sponsors.

[59:46] First off, ZipRecruiter.

[59:50] Are you hiring?

[59:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:52] Do you know where to post your job?

[59:53] Dan, do you de-sarcasm it by about 45%?

Dan McCoy

[59:59] Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates?

[1:00:03] Look.

[1:00:03] It's like you were taunting people.

[1:00:06] ZipRecruiter.com.

[1:00:08] ZipRecruiter.

[1:00:08] You can post your job to 200 plus job sites, including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter.

[1:00:16] Wait, wait.

[1:00:16] All with a single click.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:17] One click for 200 sites?

[1:00:19] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:20] That's amazing.

[1:00:20] That's 200 times the effort I'm putting in.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:23] Yeah.

[1:00:24] That's a great per-click value, we call it.

[1:00:27] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:27] Yeah, per-click.

[1:00:29] Find candidates in any city or industry nationwide.

[1:00:32] Just post once and watch your qualified candidates come rolling.

[1:00:36] Come on in.

[1:00:37] The ZipRecruiter's easy-to-use interface.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:39] You'll have so many qualified candidates, you're going to have to not hire some of these people,

[1:00:44] and you'll feel bad about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] You're going to get so tired of qualified candidates, you're going to start interviewing unqualified candidates

[1:00:50] just to break up the monotony.

[1:00:51] Just for the thrill.

[1:00:53] Now, how long is it before they introduce their mascot, ZipRecruiter, a cool teen looking for a job or to hire people?

[1:01:00] I think that we've just introduced it today.

[1:01:02] He's an anthropomorphized zipper.

[1:01:04] Yeah, maybe that's it.

[1:01:05] He's a zipper with a face.

[1:01:08] And a cool attitude.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:12] So I feel like it's a little suggestive, a zipper.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] It could be a zipper on a coat, Dan.

[1:01:17] Okay, dude.

[1:01:18] Or a boot.

[1:01:19] All right.

[1:01:19] Just because there's a penis behind it doesn't mean it's a suggestive.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:21] Just because when you unzip it, all these good candidates come spilling out.

[1:01:25] Mm-hmm.

[1:01:26] Mm-hmm.

[1:01:27] Of the crotch, of the pants.

[1:01:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:30] Well...

[1:01:30] So, Dan, ZipRecruiter.com.

[1:01:31] Sorry.

[1:01:31] Where do I go for that?

[1:01:33] Well...

[1:01:34] Probably to ZipRecruiter.com, right?

[1:01:35] ZipRecruiter.com.

[1:01:36] Well, you go to your computer or mobile device.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:39] Yeah.

[1:01:40] Press on.

[1:01:41] Mm-hmm.

[1:01:41] Wait for it to start up.

[1:01:42] Siri.

[1:01:43] Siri.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:45] My phone's going weird now.

[1:01:48] Alexa.

[1:01:54] Dan's skipping.

[1:01:55] Dan's trying to activate.

[1:01:56] Zaprooter.

[1:01:59] ZapRousedower.

[1:02:01] Zipper from Rescue Rangers.

[1:02:04] Dan, finish it.

[1:02:06] Finish it.

[1:02:07] And right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com

[1:02:13] slash first.

[1:02:15] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[1:02:16] One more time, to try it for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:21] So, you're posting a job listing to hundreds of sites and posting places with one click for

[1:02:29] free.

[1:02:29] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:30] I didn't believe it could happen, but we're living in the 21st century, folks.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] Dear Penthouse, I didn't believe it could happen to me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] But I posted my job to 200 sites with one click.

[1:02:40] Dear ZipRecruiter, I always thought your letters were fake, but you don't send letters.

[1:02:47] So, I was thinking about something else.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:50] Signed a confused old man.

[1:02:54] Why do they publish this letter?

[1:02:56] I guess it's somebody Spanish.

[1:02:58] In the New Yorker.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:00] This is a weird Andy Borowitz humor piece.

[1:03:04] So, this is our other sponsor tonight, which is the Black Tux.

[1:03:11] Looking great for a wedding or a special event has never been easier with theblacktux.com.

[1:03:18] With high-quality rental suits and tuxedos delivered to your door, the Black Tux is giving guys a new

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[1:03:25] And get this.

[1:03:26] The Black Tux offers free home try-on so you can see the fit and feel the quality of your

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[1:03:34] The best part?

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[1:03:36] To get free shipping both ways, plus a free home try-on, visit theblacktux.com slash flop.

[1:03:46] What was that again?

[1:03:47] Theblacktux.com slash flop.

[1:03:49] I know what you're probably thinking.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:51] Okay.

[1:03:51] Lay it on me.

[1:03:52] What am I thinking?

[1:03:53] You're probably thinking, Dan probably doesn't have a lot of reasons to get dressed up in

[1:03:57] a tux.

[1:03:58] Or leave the house in the morning.

[1:03:59] People don't invite him to weddings.

[1:04:01] He has no reason to get super dolled up.

[1:04:04] Was he going to go to the prom?

[1:04:05] That's gross.

[1:04:05] He's in his 30s.

[1:04:06] That's insane.

[1:04:09] But like, you know, Dan, every once in a while, you should just like surprise the world

[1:04:13] by just renting a tux.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:15] Or you could just put it on and lounge around the house.

[1:04:17] Yeah, like James Bond on vacation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:20] Like James Bond on Martin Luther King Day.

[1:04:22] Not going into work today.

[1:04:24] It's MLK Day.

[1:04:25] I guess I'll just sit around in my tuxedo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:26] Yeah, shouldn't change my routine.

[1:04:29] I'm wearing my tuxedo jacket and no pants.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:32] Why not?

[1:04:33] You're at home.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:34] The pants are hanging carefully folded somewhere, right?

[1:04:37] Oh, sure.

[1:04:38] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[1:04:39] Yeah, they're not just pulled around Dan's ankles.

[1:04:42] Although they could be.

[1:04:44] But don't be.

[1:04:45] Yeah, but if they're pulled around his ankles, they'll get caught up in the rollerblades he's

[1:04:49] wearing.

[1:04:49] Wait, it's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:52] He's on vacation, dude.

[1:04:53] He's wearing rollerblades, a tuxedo jacket, shirt, and bow tie, and no pants.

[1:04:58] Cumberbun.

[1:04:59] Is he wearing a helmet?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:00] I don't know, Dan.

[1:05:01] Do you wear a helmet when you rollerblade around the house?

[1:05:04] I mean, it would be safer.

[1:05:05] What am I a fucking wuss?

[1:05:07] Wow.

[1:05:08] This CPAP machine is making Dan crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:11] Dan, you are so much tougher when you're wearing just a tuxedo shirt and nothing else.

[1:05:17] My new look.

[1:05:18] That's what he wears when he goes to negotiate.

[1:05:19] New Dan for 2017.

[1:05:20] Now, my imagination is that Dan, so he puts on just a tuxedo shirt, and he says to himself,

[1:05:27] which routine is it today?

[1:05:29] Do I be Tom Cruise in Risky Business or Demi Moore in Striptease?

[1:05:32] And then he just figures out which one he wants to be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:35] Yeah, he keeps his options open.

[1:05:37] It's like when he goes to negotiate his contract at work.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:42] Yeah.

[1:05:42] Do I negotiate as Tom Cruise or Demi Moore?

[1:05:45] That's a good question.

[1:05:46] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:48] Oh.

[1:05:48] Do you want to thank anyone for anything?

[1:05:49] Yeah, I want to.

[1:05:50] Before we move on.

[1:05:50] Well, so every once in a while, we get lovely things from the listeners, and I am totally

[1:05:57] shitty at remembering everything I get, so I don't thank everybody.

[1:06:02] But Dan literally stuck this in my hands right before we recorded, so I would like to thank

[1:06:07] Chad, last name withheld, who was listening to an episode of another podcast on the Maximum

[1:06:19] Fun Network, of which we are a part, and you should go check it out.

[1:06:22] There's many great shows there.

[1:06:24] But he was listening to a different show, a show called The Adventure Zone, where I was

[1:06:29] a guest on the episode, and my character, yeah, that's right, folks, there's characters on

[1:06:34] this show.

[1:06:35] Characters are welcome.

[1:06:36] You're never going to believe what happens.

[1:06:39] But my character was holding a clipboard, just as Chad, last name withheld, was making

[1:06:47] some clipboards out of reclaimed wood.

[1:06:50] So because of this clearly divine providence, he, providence?

[1:06:56] Providence?

[1:06:57] Providence.

[1:06:58] In this case.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] Providence would be like where it comes from.

[1:07:02] Providence would be like some sort of divine intervention.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:06] So probably both apply.

[1:07:08] Yeah, providence, providence.

[1:07:09] Or maybe he was in Rhode Island, who knows?

[1:07:11] Who knows?

[1:07:13] He was making these.

[1:07:15] Checking out the grave of H.P.

[1:07:16] Lovecraft.

[1:07:18] I don't know.

[1:07:20] So he was making clipboards at the time while my character on that show, yes, once again,

[1:07:25] there's characters on the show.

[1:07:26] Now I wrap it up.

[1:07:27] Characters welcome USA.

[1:07:29] Come on.

[1:07:29] Up all night.

[1:07:30] So he sent me this very lovely reclaimed wood clipboard, which I will use to hold my

[1:07:35] show notes every time we do one of these episodes.

[1:07:38] It is a.

[1:07:39] Your show notes.

[1:07:40] Yeah.

[1:07:41] It is a beautiful clipboard, though.

[1:07:42] It is.

[1:07:43] It's very nice.

[1:07:44] You know, well, well woodworked.

[1:07:46] It's going to look nice with all my carefully planned out jokes written down on there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:50] The test of the clipboard is in the clip, not the board.

[1:07:55] That's an old clipboardist saying.

[1:07:57] Mm-hmm.

[1:07:58] Mm, sounds nice.

[1:07:58] That's good sound.

[1:07:59] I've always heard it's a poor clipboard that blames its clip.

[1:08:03] I mean, that's kind of the only part that makes it more than just a cutting board.

[1:08:07] So your saying is incorrect.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:11] If this was a video game and you had to craft a clipboard, there's only like two items you'd

[1:08:15] have to find around the world.

[1:08:16] Yeah, a board and a clip.

[1:08:18] And then there's a little animation of your character, like duct taping them together.

[1:08:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:23] And going doo-doo-doo-doo and raising it above its head.

[1:08:26] De-de-de-de-de-de-de.

[1:08:27] You haven't played video games in a while.

[1:08:27] That's all the points being counted up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:29] De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:32] So now it's time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:34] I have a Jumbotron.

[1:08:36] Oh, yeah.

[1:08:36] That's right.

[1:08:37] Sorry.

[1:08:37] There's a little thing called the Jumbotron.

[1:08:39] In fact, it's a big thing.

[1:08:40] Jum-bo-tron.

[1:08:40] It's how you can get your message on the Flophouse.

[1:08:43] Just go to Maximum Fun.

[1:08:45] You'll be able to get to the Jumbotron.

[1:08:47] .org slash Jumbotron.

[1:08:48] Maximum Fun.org slash Jumbotron.

[1:08:50] Thank you, Dan.

[1:08:51] And follow the instructions.

[1:08:52] If you've got a personal message, if you've got a commercial message, whatever you want

[1:08:56] to do, we'll say it if you pay us to say it at the Jumbotron.

[1:09:00] We're your puppets.

[1:09:00] You can make us dance.

[1:09:01] Dan called himself the Puppet Master earlier.

[1:09:03] He is but a puppet in the hands of you, the ultimate puppet master.

[1:09:06] You get to put your hand up Dan's butt.

[1:09:09] Hey, want to get the chance to put your hands up Dan's butt?

[1:09:12] Enter our Dan's butt contest.

[1:09:14] The first person who writes in.

[1:09:16] Which is paying its money.

[1:09:17] Writes an essay in 500 words or less.

[1:09:20] So I'm being a prostitute.

[1:09:20] Write us an essay, 500 words or less, about what you would do with Dan's butt if your hand

[1:09:25] was in it.

[1:09:25] And whoever wins gets to fly.

[1:09:28] Dan will pay for the tickets to New York.

[1:09:31] Oh, wow.

[1:09:31] Dan will put you up at the Waldorf Astoria.

[1:09:34] And you'll get to put your hand in his butt.

[1:09:37] For up to how long?

[1:09:39] An hour?

[1:09:41] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:42] I'm trying to decide whether to shut this down or just ride the wave.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:46] Is it a school day or a weekend?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:49] Well, that really depends on Dan.

[1:09:51] Dan's the one who decides what the day it is.

[1:09:53] And also, relatives of Dan cannot enter the contest.

[1:09:56] Please don't.

[1:09:58] Or employees of McCoy Boy Industries.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:02] Yeah, I mean, that's a conflict of interest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:04] Yeah, you can't do it.

[1:10:05] Anyway, also, the contest is not applicable in Tennessee.

[1:10:08] Sorry, Tennessee.

[1:10:09] Oh, yeah.

[1:10:11] Ooh.

[1:10:11] Anyway, so Jumbotron, it's your chance to get us to say something.

[1:10:15] In this case, here's our Jumbotron message.

[1:10:18] Me, me, me, me, me.

[1:10:22] In the spirit and with full encouragement of the Star Wars Minute comes the Indiana Jones Minute podcast, which is beginning its second season as we speak, covering the heart-ripping action of Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom one minute at a time.

[1:10:38] And this is just me interjecting, compared to The Last Witch Hunter, which also involved a heart being ripped out of someone, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is a much better movie.

[1:10:44] It's a masterpiece.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:45] If you—

[1:10:46] I don't know if I go that far.

[1:10:47] In comparison to The Last Witch Hunter.

[1:10:49] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:49] If you missed their first season, go to IndianaJonesMinute.com or subscribe to iTunes, Google, Play, or whatever to download all 115 episodes of their Raiders of the Lost Ark coverage.

[1:11:01] So subscribe on iTunes, Google Play, or wherever podcasts are given away for free, the Indiana Jones Minute.

[1:11:08] It's rated—

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:09] I think it's PG.

[1:11:10] PG.

[1:11:11] I.J. or Indiana Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:12] Well, I mean, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was one of those movies that wasn't the story goes that it was rated PG, and they introduced the PG-13 rating because, like, that and the Gremlins were too rough.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:22] That inspired it.

[1:11:23] Indeed.

[1:11:24] Yeah, because, like, Teen Wolf was surfing on a fucking van, and you're like, no way.

[1:11:28] Was Red Dawn the first one that was—

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:29] Yeah.

[1:11:30] No, Bread Dawn.

[1:11:31] Oh, Red Dawn.

[1:11:31] It was about bakers, how they have to get up so early.

[1:11:35] Again, it's not even a joke.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:38] The things that you get away with compared to the things you berate me for.

[1:11:42] You know why?

[1:11:42] Because I sell it, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:43] I sell it.

[1:11:45] Yeah, Dan.

[1:11:46] Bread Dawn.

[1:11:48] It's a baker.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:49] We can—

[1:11:50] You're right.

[1:11:50] When you say it that way, I'm in the wrong.

[1:11:55] But now, moving on.

[1:11:58] Vamping.

[1:11:59] As I throw the other pieces of paper over my shoulder, it's time.

[1:12:04] Stephen J.

[1:12:04] Cannell style.

[1:12:07] They make a D for Dan behind me.

[1:12:11] This is the letter segment of the podcast, where we read letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:19] You're the listener.

[1:12:20] We're the reader of your letters from your listeners.

[1:12:25] Dan knows how to read, and he'll prove it to you.

[1:12:28] Despite those rumors you've heard about, Dan knows how to read.

[1:12:33] He learned it in school.

[1:12:34] Because, hey kids, it's cool to stay in school so you can read letters, too, on your podcast someday.

[1:12:41] Or whatever the thing is they do in the future.

[1:12:45] When you grow up, maybe your words will get beamed into people's brains.

[1:12:50] Or maybe society will crumble.

[1:12:53] You'll be left to tumble into an apocalyptic post-civilization time.

[1:12:58] Perhaps you're a sham and around a fire.

[1:13:01] And your ability to read these mystic runes from the time before the Great Reckoning is seen as magic.

[1:13:11] They'll either burn you, or they'll name you their king.

[1:13:14] I zoned out for a while, but I got pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:16] I like that one better than most.

[1:13:18] Letters from listeners.

[1:13:19] So this first letter is from Dave, last name withheld.

[1:13:22] Is that not?

[1:13:23] Wait, but it's not?

[1:13:24] No, it's not.

[1:13:25] Not my brother.

[1:13:26] No.

[1:13:26] Okay.

[1:13:27] Thank goodness.

[1:13:27] Dave, last name withheld.

[1:13:29] Dave Foley.

[1:13:29] Oh, I mean, I'm a huge fan of Dave Foley.

[1:13:32] Right.

[1:13:32] I just had a spookily scarifying Flophouse experience that I had to share.

[1:13:37] I was driving home.

[1:13:38] Never thought it would happen to me.

[1:13:40] I was driving home from a vet appointment and put on a half-listened...

[1:13:44] I never thought your movies were true.

[1:13:46] Well, they're not.

[1:13:47] I put on a half-listened-to episode, which happened to be your excellent deconstruction of a movie I kind of liked, Unfriended.

[1:13:54] Just a few streets away from my house.

[1:13:56] And Stuart brings up his wish list...

[1:13:58] His wish that the cyber...

[1:13:59] Witch list?

[1:14:01] Stuart brings up his wish...

[1:14:03] Who would be on your witch list, by the way?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:05] I don't know why I got lists.

[1:14:06] Well, I definitely have a witch.

[1:14:08] Maybe the witch queen.

[1:14:10] Like Glinda?

[1:14:11] Would she be on there?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:13] Maybe the love witch.

[1:14:14] What about that witch that had the season of her?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:17] What about teen witch?

[1:14:19] I don't know if I could top that.

[1:14:21] See you guys.

[1:14:23] He motors off on his moped.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:28] Stuart cutting out after a successful punchline.

[1:14:32] So continue, Dan.

[1:14:33] Some kind of wish list?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:34] Stuart brings up his wish that the cyber ghost of the film would make the room smell like poop when it possessed someone.

[1:14:42] We are really a bunch of morons, aren't we?

[1:14:44] The goofy delight Stuart takes in spouting stupidity and his accompanying Scooby-Doo-esque giggle is the reason why he's my favorite flopper.

[1:14:54] So this had me laughing pretty hard.

[1:14:57] Until I started to smell poop.

[1:14:59] While the conversation of ghostly poop powers continued through the speakers, a terrible poopy smell filled my car.

[1:15:05] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1:15:06] For a brief moment, I thought that Dan had collaborated with John Waters and somehow created the world's first Odorama podcast.

[1:15:13] Then my thoughts became somewhat more rational and I began to consider that I might be having a stroke.

[1:15:18] Then I remembered that my cat was on the backseat in his cat carrier.

[1:15:21] He'd pooped himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:23] I'm glad Columbo went through all the possible outcomes.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:28] So on smells, if you could pick one film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:30] Well, Watson, once we eliminate the impossible.

[1:15:33] Columbo and Watson.

[1:15:35] That's a super team.

[1:15:36] Well, Watson, once we eliminate whatever's impossible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:40] Once we eliminate the Harlem Globetrotters.

[1:15:44] Wait, now it's Scooby-Doo 2.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:47] Or Gilligan's Island.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:49] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:50] Well, Watson, we've got to team up to stop Blofeld and the Joker.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:55] Wow, Alan Moore's writing this story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:58] It's a new story called League of Extraordinary.

[1:16:01] He's lost his mind.

[1:16:02] I know, there'd be a lot more rape and weird sex.

[1:16:05] Yeah, then they all have sex with each other.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:08] So Alan Moore's a weird guy, right?

[1:16:10] I don't know.

[1:16:11] Should I have to be like that?

[1:16:12] Nah, he seems like a normal dude.

[1:16:13] Like, he could just hang out and have a beer, go grab, I don't know, McNuggets or whatever you do with your buddies.

[1:16:18] Why didn't it take so long for this guy?

[1:16:19] Grab some McNuggets out of his beard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:21] Why didn't it take so long for the guy with the huge beard and, like, big skull rings on his hands?

[1:16:26] What?

[1:16:26] For everyone to realize he might be a little weird?

[1:16:29] Yeah.

[1:16:30] Well, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:32] Good stuff, though.

[1:16:33] Great stuff.

[1:16:33] Great guy.

[1:16:34] Great stuff.

[1:16:35] Good stuff.

[1:16:35] Keep it up, Al.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:37] So, to get back to the letter.

[1:16:40] Oh, man, I can't believe we just dunked on Alan Moore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:43] Hey, if he doesn't like it, maybe he should come and talk to us.

[1:16:46] Oh, that's right.

[1:16:47] He never leaves his town.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:49] I like his work so much.

[1:16:50] Why am I attacking him?

[1:16:51] Yeah.

[1:16:52] So, on smells, if you could pick one film to experience with added odorama, what would it be?

[1:16:58] Lots of poopy wet kisses from Melbourne, Australia.

[1:17:00] Dave.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:02] Oh, well, there's one scene in particular I'd want to smell.

[1:17:05] Yeah.

[1:17:06] And, as always, it's the scene in The Dark Crystal where the Skeksis are just sitting around feasting on gross stuff.

[1:17:11] That's great.

[1:17:12] Because I want to know what that gross stuff is that they're eating.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:16] To this day, starting when I was a little kid and growing up, any time we had any kind of, like, meat at my house, my mother still refers to it as roast nebri.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:27] Oh, that's awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:28] Which is what the Skeksis are eating.

[1:17:30] That's great.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:31] I mean, it's got to be some sort of, like, feast movie, right?

[1:17:34] Like a big night or...

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:35] I mean, there's a ton of food movies, I guess.

[1:17:37] But, like, I can smell food anywhere.

[1:17:38] I want to, like, or Jurassic Park.

[1:17:40] I want what a dinosaur smells like.

[1:17:41] Probably like poop.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:44] I mean, have you ever, like, just took a lizard and put it right under your nose?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:48] No.

[1:17:48] And pretended it was a mustache?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:51] Yeah.

[1:17:51] You know, have you got to try and sneak in somewhere?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:55] No, no.

[1:17:56] I'm a grown-up.

[1:17:56] I've got a lizard mustache.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:57] You know, I'd want to pick something that is kind of sensuous and kind of delicious.

[1:18:05] I don't like where this is going.

[1:18:06] Like, has a lot of food.

[1:18:07] Okay, that's better.

[1:18:08] And it's something that kind of makes you hungry.

[1:18:10] So I'm definitely going to pick Meet the Feebles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:15] I knew it was going to be a twist.

[1:18:17] Didn't see that one coming, though.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:20] I feel like the natural answer is, like, some, like, magical realism or, like, an amelie.

[1:18:26] Yeah.

[1:18:26] I bet an amelie smells good.

[1:18:27] Like a light water for chocolate or something like that.

[1:18:29] One of them amelies.

[1:18:31] She probably smells good, too.

[1:18:32] No, she smells great.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:33] But I was deliberately holding myself back from, like, saying anything that could sound

[1:18:38] like I want to go smell a lady in a movie.

[1:18:42] Like, that's the weird part of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:44] That's not what I got from what Stuart was saying.

[1:18:45] That was.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:46] She said that one of those amelies smells good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:49] The movie.

[1:18:50] Yeah.

[1:18:50] No.

[1:18:51] Come on.

[1:18:52] Come on.

[1:18:53] Come on.

[1:18:55] So, here's the thing.

[1:18:58] They haven't made a movie about fried chicken yet, have they?

[1:19:02] Kentucky Fried Movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:03] There's no actual fried chicken in it.

[1:19:05] I need to check the tape.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:10] I really want to know what a fistful of yen smells like.

[1:19:13] The Muppet movie, which has Kentucky Fried Frog's Legs.

[1:19:16] I mean, I'd eat them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:17] I mean, I have trouble.

[1:19:18] I watch that movie with my son a lot, and I have an issue because it's like, I don't

[1:19:21] want him to hurt Kermit, but I would love a fast food franchise where it's fried frog's

[1:19:25] legs.

[1:19:26] Like, that would be delicious.

[1:19:27] I'd eat that all the time.

[1:19:29] Popeyes, make it happen.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:30] This is a sort of moral quandary that truly great art instills in the soul.

[1:19:36] It kind of makes us really question ourselves and the world around us.

[1:19:40] So, moving on.

[1:19:42] Moving right along.

[1:19:42] This one's from Jeremy, last name withheld, from Chicago.

[1:19:48] Jeremy Sisto.

[1:19:50] This is for Jeremy from the Pearl Jam song.

[1:19:52] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:53] I don't want to tell you.

[1:19:55] Jeremy's spoken.

[1:19:56] Yeah.

[1:19:57] Class today.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:58] Stuart.

[1:19:59] Yep.

[1:20:00] You have been a bartender.

[1:20:02] Sometimes.

[1:20:02] And now a bar owner for several years, yet you're known for drinking Coors Light on

[1:20:07] the podcast.

[1:20:08] This cannot possibly be your favorite beer since, one, you are a booze aficionado, and

[1:20:13] two, it tastes like a mix of an experimental grundle towel, la croix, and boredom.

[1:20:20] So, what's your real favorite beer?

[1:20:21] Love, Jeremy, from Chicago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:24] Sisto.

[1:20:24] Whoa.

[1:20:25] That's a lot of pressure.

[1:20:28] Like, can I be real with you guys for a second?

[1:20:32] Sure.

[1:20:32] Only if you turn your hat backwards.

[1:20:34] And sit on your chair backwards.

[1:20:35] Okay.

[1:20:36] Let me see if I can.

[1:20:38] Okay, there it is.

[1:20:38] It's backwards.

[1:20:39] You know what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:39] And for better, for better, best use, you should probably put your pants on backwards.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:42] Yeah.

[1:20:43] Okay.

[1:20:44] Okay.

[1:20:45] What about this baseball jersey?

[1:20:47] Should that go on backwards?

[1:20:48] Yeah.

[1:20:48] You're crisscrossing it.

[1:20:48] Never.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:50] No.

[1:20:50] Turn it on backwards.

[1:20:51] Dan and I disagree on this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:52] I can't believe crisscross had to steal the style of Bugs and Taz.

[1:20:55] Right?

[1:20:56] Am I right, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:57] I think it was the other way around.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:58] When Bugs and Taz got those little braids?

[1:21:01] I remember it well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:02] You got it twisted, I think.

[1:21:03] Yeah.

[1:21:04] When Bugs and Taz went through their gangsta phase on oversized shirts.

[1:21:10] Mm-hmm.

[1:21:11] So.

[1:21:12] Were those licensed?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:14] Were those authorized shirts?

[1:21:15] Wait, who were they licensing?

[1:21:17] The Looney Tunes characters?

[1:21:18] No, I mean, those, that was an, I think that was a Looney Tunes brand shirt.

[1:21:23] Just seems like an interesting thing to do with the brand.

[1:21:26] I mean, I don't own it.

[1:21:28] Stuart, why'd you make that decision?

[1:21:29] Who owns that shit?

[1:21:30] Like, Dick Warner or something?

[1:21:33] Dick and John Warner, Yakko and Waggo?

[1:21:35] David Warner.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:37] Holy shit.

[1:21:38] That's why he doesn't have to act that much anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:40] But he's so good.

[1:21:41] Yeah.

[1:21:42] I mean, I think he's since fast.

[1:21:43] So I would say, lately, the beer, if we're basing favorites off of beer I've consumed the

[1:21:48] most in the last year or so, I've been drinking a lot of the Ballast Point Even Kiel Session

[1:21:53] IPA, but my favorite two beers, one is not available anymore now, is the Ballast Point Indra Kunindra

[1:22:02] Curry Flavored Stout, and I really like the Hitachino Red Rice Ale.

[1:22:08] So, answered.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:10] And David Warner still alive.

[1:22:13] I was worried that he had died.

[1:22:14] That's great, yeah.

[1:22:16] So this letter asks, this is from Lee, last name withheld.

[1:22:23] The jeans?

[1:22:24] Yeah, that's right.

[1:22:26] Can't bust them.

[1:22:28] This is from some loose fit jeans.

[1:22:30] Recently, maybe on you.

[1:22:35] Wait, hold on.

[1:22:36] I'm morbidly obese.

[1:22:38] Stonewashed jeans.

[1:22:39] Recently, my friends were discussing the childhood phenomenon of finding a movie you fell in love

[1:22:44] with so hard, you watched and repeat for months.

[1:22:48] I'm talking about the first VHS you spent allowance on and went to town all summer.

[1:22:53] For me, it was Grease 2, at least 30 times, probably more.

[1:22:56] But friends mentioned Teen Witch, Poltergeist 2, Heavenly Kid, Just One of the Guys, and that

[1:23:02] Rob Lowe movie, Class.

[1:23:04] This conversation happened between ladies, so this might be gender specific.

[1:23:07] I would argue that none of these are objectively good movies, but they hold such a nostalgia

[1:23:12] place from the age of 7 to 10, you can't even claim to ironically like them.

[1:23:16] You just love them regardless of their flaws.

[1:23:19] What movie did you fall hard, obsessively, for as a child that would be burned into your

[1:23:24] brain?

[1:23:25] Do you remember what the childhood appeal was?

[1:23:28] Again, that's from Lee.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:30] I mean, speaking for myself, there are very few movies I watched over and over again as

[1:23:34] a child that I don't still love, because I had impeccable taste.

[1:23:38] But one that I had to watch a lot, because it was my sister's favorite movie, was Teen Wolf.

[1:23:45] Yeah?

[1:23:45] Which is not a very good movie.

[1:23:48] But I feel like I know that movie inside and out, even though I haven't seen it in years,

[1:23:51] because we watched it so many times.

[1:23:53] So there's a little bit, I have some affection for it, even though it's not a good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:56] Was your sister a big, did she have a crush on Michael J. Fox?

[1:23:59] Did she identify with kind of a wallflower who becomes a cool outsider?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:05] And she was a werewolf, so all that stuff.

[1:24:07] Oh, yeah.

[1:24:07] We played basketball.

[1:24:08] Okay.

[1:24:09] So all that stuff, yeah.

[1:24:10] Yeah.

[1:24:10] And she was a champion.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:11] That's why you loved Baby the Lost Dinosaur or whatever.

[1:24:14] Well, Legend of the Lost Dinosaur.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:16] That's a movie I know I watched multiple times, and I remember almost nothing about it,

[1:24:20] except literally like an African village where everyone's rushing around and running.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:25] Yeah, I remember it's a movie where like 90% of it, you get no dinosaur,

[1:24:29] and then right at the end you get dinosaurs, and then you're like, that's it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:32] Was that, is that the movie where the couple wants to make love,

[1:24:36] and every time they start making out or undressing, they hear a roaring sound outside?

[1:24:40] Or is that a different, or is that every horror movie ever made?

[1:24:43] I think that's Carnosaur.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:46] What about you, Dan?

[1:24:48] Well, the thing is, I remember better what movies I watched from like around the age of 14 over and over again.

[1:24:55] Like, I watched Heathers and Aliens obsessively for a while.

[1:25:00] I like one of those.

[1:25:01] There.

[1:25:02] Well, you're wrong about the other.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:03] But, uh...

[1:25:04] You don't even know which one I'm talking about.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:05] I'm pretty sure I do.

[1:25:07] But, uh...

[1:25:07] I'm not a fan of Heathers.

[1:25:09] Yeah.

[1:25:09] That was my guess.

[1:25:10] Okay.

[1:25:11] Um, but the thing about movies I saw as a kid is they all had to do pretty much with what was played over and over again on HBO.

[1:25:20] Mm.

[1:25:21] Like, uh, my brother John insists that I love this horrible live action slash animated movie called The Water Babies.

[1:25:30] Oh, I remember that one, yeah.

[1:25:32] That was like from like 78 or something.

[1:25:33] And it was just like the character design was just grotesque, like precious moment figurine style thing.

[1:25:40] And it had a bunch of like...

[1:25:42] It had like James Mason as one of the voices and like people like that.

[1:25:46] But it was terrible.

[1:25:48] And he's like, no, you loved that as a kid.

[1:25:50] I'm like, no, it was just on television.

[1:25:52] Like when you're a kid, you watch something that's on television.

[1:25:54] Especially if it's a cartoon.

[1:25:55] You're like, I'm just going to watch it over and over again if it's on over and over again.

[1:25:59] Like, I also...

[1:26:01] Something I have more fondness for now than that, but I watched just because it was on all the time, was Beastmaster.

[1:26:07] And I think I like Beastmaster.

[1:26:09] It's a fucking cool movie, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:10] No, it's great.

[1:26:11] She talks to beasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:12] I think I...

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:12] Eventually goes to the portal of time.

[1:26:14] And he's got Pono and Kodo, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:15] Well, that's what I'm saying.

[1:26:16] I think the main attraction for me as a kid was that he had two ferrets.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:20] Yeah, and you're like imagining a world.

[1:26:22] Like, you stare off into the distance and everything fades and then it's you with two ferrets.

[1:26:29] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:30] If you were doing a ferret pet film festival, it would just be what?

[1:26:33] Beastmaster, Kindergarten Cop, and what else?

[1:26:36] A long game Polly.

[1:26:38] Okay.

[1:26:39] I mean, three makes a festival, right?

[1:26:40] Yeah, that's a festival.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:41] Yeah, and then you just have that...

[1:26:42] You'd also have that audio of Giuliani like yelling about ferrets.

[1:26:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:46] And how sick the people who own them are.

[1:26:48] Yeah.

[1:26:48] It reminds me of...

[1:26:50] There was...

[1:26:51] I remember after From Hell came out.

[1:26:53] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:54] Looking up the IMDb entry and it was like, people...

[1:26:56] If you liked From Hell, you might also like Rising Sun.

[1:26:59] It's like, wait a minute.

[1:27:00] I think the only thing in common here is that a prostitute gets murdered in both of these movies.

[1:27:05] This is not a genre.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:07] Stuart, what about you?

[1:27:09] So when I was a kid, there was a couple movies that I remember like renting and watching the shit out of.

[1:27:15] So that would be like Police Academy.

[1:27:18] What is that?

[1:27:18] Four Citizens on Patrol.

[1:27:20] Watched that a fuckload.

[1:27:22] And Ski Patrol.

[1:27:24] Another movie I watched a ton.

[1:27:25] And I think the attraction in both cases was a ton of hilarious goofs.

[1:27:30] Mm-hmm.

[1:27:31] And sound effects.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:32] You know what I used to rent a lot was Terror of Mechagodzilla.

[1:27:35] For some reason, that was the Godzilla movie I wanted to watch the most.

[1:27:39] But anyway, sorry.

[1:27:40] I interrupted you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:40] No, it's cool.

[1:27:41] I also remember renting and watching Repossessed with Leslie Nielsen a bunch.

[1:27:46] And I like that because of the hilarious jokes and the copious amounts of weird nudity.

[1:27:52] But the...

[1:27:54] I think that...

[1:27:55] But those are just the runner-ups.

[1:27:57] I remember...

[1:27:58] The winner.

[1:27:59] My uncle gave me a...

Dan McCoy

[1:28:01] The Academy Award for film Stuart watched as a child that he was obsessed with.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:06] Well, I remember a friend of mine...

[1:28:07] My uncle gave me a VHS tape that had an early English dub of Nausicaa Valley of the Wind on it.

[1:28:16] And I remember not understanding it but being totally blown away by this crazy movie.

[1:28:22] And loving it and then at my birthday party insisting everybody watch it.

[1:28:28] And everybody was like, fuck this.

[1:28:33] And I remember getting in a big fight with Andy Kisco and him going home because he didn't like the movie I made everyone watch.

[1:28:40] Namesake of Mount Kisco, New York.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:42] I'm going to put Andy Kisco on blast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:44] I mean, no.

[1:28:44] It was my fault.

[1:28:45] I forced him to watch a movie.

[1:28:47] I'm the bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:47] Now he's the successful founder of Kisco, the only company that sells kisses.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:52] We've got one last letter for this evening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:56] At Kisco, we're not prostitutes, technically.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:02] Prostitutes won't let you kiss them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:04] They'll do everything but.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:07] Anyway.

[1:29:08] Sorry.

[1:29:09] Rachel, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:11] Ellie and Stuart exchange a knowing, uncomfortable look.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:15] Rachel, last name withheld, writes...

[1:29:16] Getting married.

[1:29:17] I was reading Mary Roach's nonfiction book, Packing for Mars, in a chapter about NASA's research into zero-G sex, when I came across the following footnote.

[1:29:29] So this is a quote from Mary Roach's book, Packing for Mars.

[1:29:34] This is no doubt the reason that even Stephen, quote, the hunter, Hunt, the man whose pictures and video feed comprise underwatersex.net, chose to opt out of neutral buoyancy and drop down about 30 feet to a sandbar for his, quote, nude scuba encounter with an unnamed bored, lonely housewife.

[1:29:56] Says Steve, can you imagine all the positions you can do while weightless?

[1:30:00] You'll have to, because Steve runs through the same old positions you'd see back in the dive shack, only with unattractive, face-distorting scuba gear.

[1:30:10] So, end quote.

[1:30:11] First off, that's pretty critical of scuba gear.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:15] And I'm kind of surprised that Mary Roach's editor kept that footnote in.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:20] Obviously, I thought of you guys.

[1:30:22] How is it possible that after all these years, you never checked underwatersex.net?

[1:30:26] And how did Stuart not already know about this?

[1:30:29] Apologies for a personal aside, but my mom died a couple of years ago, and when I couldn't sleep, I listened to your podcast over and over.

[1:30:35] You helped me through a really rough time, and I've always wanted a reason to email and let you know.

[1:30:39] So, that's very sweet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:41] Thank you for listening.

[1:30:42] I'm glad we could help you through a hard time.

[1:30:44] That's one of the hardest times.

[1:30:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:46] Let's not dwell on that.

[1:30:47] Let's dwell on underwatersex.net.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:49] I believe that the page we were originally going to was called Aquafan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:53] Oh, okay.

[1:30:54] I kept thinking it was a play on Submariner.

[1:30:58] Now, I checked out underwater...

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:59] No, that was that sub-sandwich page that we found.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:01] I did check out underwatersex.net, and it seems to have been removed since whenever this...

[1:31:06] Oh.

[1:31:07] That's not that old a book.

[1:31:08] Is that a free URL or whatever?

[1:31:10] Yeah, let's...

[1:31:11] I mean...

[1:31:11] Let's jump on that.

[1:31:12] Let's Squarespace.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:13] Squarespace, sponsor us again so that I can talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:15] Or someone out there in the world, buy up underwatersex.net for us and redirect it to the Flop House.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:20] What good would that do?

[1:31:22] What?

[1:31:22] The only reason that would be good is then we could then advertise as the Flop House podcast.

[1:31:26] Visit us at underwatersex.net.

[1:31:28] Yeah, we only talk about it every episode, basically.

[1:31:32] As you know, there's one thing we talk about on this podcast, and that's doing it underwater.

[1:31:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:38] Well, Rachel, thanks for the update.

[1:31:40] I wonder who's squatting on the domain underwatersex.net right now.

[1:31:43] Had to use the word squatting.

[1:31:44] Someone has bought that up, and it's convinced it's their ticket to money.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:49] Yeah, it's a guy named Drax.

[1:31:51] He's got a water fortress, and he fights James Bond.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:57] Well, anyway, that's a thing that we call letters.

[1:32:00] That's how it goes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:01] Way to undercut the segment, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:04] That's a little thing we hear at the Flop House called letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:07] Is that the extra on the Flop House DVD?

[1:32:09] The documentary about the letters segment is called A Thing We Called Letters?

[1:32:13] That's right.

[1:32:15] So what do we do next year, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:32:16] He's just talking heads of us, unlike the regular podcast, which is talking disembodied voices of us.

[1:32:21] Mm-hmm.

[1:32:22] The next thing we do.

[1:32:24] Now, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:24] When we, and this is you, you're not looking directly at the camera.

[1:32:26] You're looking off to the side to the interviewer, and you're like,

[1:32:29] when we started reading letters, we were just a bunch of guys looking to find out what our mail was.

[1:32:35] We didn't know it would turn into a national trend.

[1:32:37] Then it cuts to a reenactment of us, like, opening the letters.

[1:32:40] Opening the, and it's, well, it's grainy video from H.S., and it's Dan, and he looks much younger.

[1:32:44] He's got longer hair.

[1:32:45] And he's like, our first letter.

[1:32:47] Let's see what it says inside.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:49] It's just a DVD extra.

[1:32:50] It's like a Fox reality show from 1990.

[1:32:54] It's like a documentary about the earliest days of the letters segment.

[1:32:57] Right.

[1:32:57] Yeah, or an episode of Tattoo Nightmares.

[1:33:00] I feel like it's an alien autopsy thing all of a sudden.

[1:33:04] Like, all reenactments.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:05] Yeah, and when he opens up the fucking envelope, there's an alien corpse in there, and we're like, what?

[1:33:10] How they fit that in the envelope.

[1:33:11] And then we give each other a high five, because this is awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:14] And then the alien corpse turns to the camera, winks, and goes, it's a living.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:18] And then eats some pizza, and then surfs off listening to Joe Satriani.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:22] Because this is a Saturday morning cartoon from the early 90s.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:27] Look, that's the thing.

[1:33:28] I'm just trying to decide what thing we are.

[1:33:32] We've got to pick a genre and stay in that lane.

[1:33:36] Anyway.

[1:33:37] Okay, so what do we do now, Dan?

[1:33:38] Now is the last segment on the show, where we recommend a movie that we actually like,

[1:33:43] that you should watch instead of The Last Witch Hunter.

[1:33:46] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:49] That's a very knowing mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:53] I'll go really quickly, because...

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:54] It's award seasons, dude.

[1:33:56] You probably got a bunch of recommendations.

[1:33:57] No, I don't.

[1:33:57] Here's the thing.

[1:33:58] I haven't watched...

Dan McCoy

[1:33:58] You've been watching all those screeners.

[1:33:59] I haven't watched anything since last time.

[1:34:02] So I ran over to my DVD collection, and I scanned it, and I'm like, what's a movie that

[1:34:09] I haven't recommended before?

[1:34:10] It was a little pathetic.

[1:34:12] Dan was like, I didn't realize I had this.

[1:34:14] So I'm going to recommend a movie that I think I haven't recommended before, just because

[1:34:18] I own it.

[1:34:21] And that is Help.

[1:34:24] A lot of people talk about A Hard Day's Night, and rightfully so.

[1:34:29] It's a great movie.

[1:34:30] It's the best Beatles movie, but I think you'll find that Help is a lot of fun.

[1:34:36] It's a little goofier, because it doesn't have the framing of a day in the life of the Beatles

[1:34:42] that, even though it's not actually, obviously, A Day in the Life of the Beatles, lends a

[1:34:48] certain fake air of documentary to A Hard Day's Night.

[1:34:54] Help is a lot sillier, being as it is Leo McCurn, who you may know as Rumpel of the Bailey,

[1:35:02] as a cult leader who loses his ring.

[1:35:04] Or from the prisoner.

[1:35:07] But he's the titular character in Rumpel.

[1:35:10] I just know our audience.

[1:35:12] Okay.

[1:35:12] I mean, they probably saw the prisoner.

[1:35:13] I don't know.

[1:35:14] But he needs to get his ring back, his ceremonial ring.

[1:35:21] And of course, Ringo has it, because Ringo is, he loves rings.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:27] If he was, it's like, he's the least interesting Mark's brother.

[1:35:33] Groucho's always a grouch.

[1:35:34] He's Groucho.

[1:35:34] You love the chicks.

[1:35:35] You're Chico.

[1:35:36] And what is that you're wearing on your finger?

[1:35:37] A ring?

[1:35:38] Your Ringo.

[1:35:39] Whatever.

[1:35:40] And you're eating spaghetti?

[1:35:41] Spaghetti-O-Marks.

[1:35:43] Help.

[1:35:43] What's that, like, gel in your hair?

[1:35:45] Gel-O-Marks.

[1:35:47] You're going to hell?

[1:35:48] Hell-O-Marks.

[1:35:49] God damn it.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:52] Help is also directed by Richard Lester, who did A Hard Day's Night.

[1:35:55] So it's got a lot of the same zany humor.

[1:35:59] It's a lot more day glow, being in color.

[1:36:02] It's a pop art.

[1:36:03] It's got a lot of great music, as you would expect from a Beatles movie.

[1:36:08] And it's a lot of fun.

[1:36:09] So check out Help.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:14] Let's see.

[1:36:14] I'm going to recommend a movie I remember enjoying quite a bit in college.

[1:36:20] It's a thriller that I don't think I've recommended before.

[1:36:24] And if I have, eh, who cares?

[1:36:27] Yeah, we make the rules.

[1:36:28] Yeah.

[1:36:28] It's a movie called Session 9.

[1:36:31] It's a movie about a small crew of asbestos cleaners who get hired to clear out the asbestos

[1:36:38] in an old, defunct mental hospital.

[1:36:43] And most of the movie takes place at their, like, job site with these guys just, you know,

[1:36:50] doing their work.

[1:36:51] And it's a naturally creepy environment.

[1:36:53] And they're also surrounded by what looks like, you know, like, kind of unchecked wilderness

[1:36:58] a little bit.

[1:36:59] So it's a little bit, it's a fairly oppressive and yet still brightly lit situation.

[1:37:05] There's some really great performances.

[1:37:08] The movie doesn't go, the movie has a tendency to leave a lot of stuff, relying, a lot of

[1:37:15] stuff unseen and relying on sound and just performances.

[1:37:22] It's, I remember it being really creepy.

[1:37:25] And it's got some fun performances from the likes of Josh Lucas, David Caruso, and a great

[1:37:32] central performance by Peter Mullen.

[1:37:35] So session nine, if you like, I don't know, like, a kind of creepy, creepy thriller.

[1:37:40] Check it out.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:41] So another movie that we haven't seen in a while.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:44] Yeah.

[1:37:45] I'm going to recommend a movie I've seen within the past few months.

[1:37:48] Oh, novelty.

[1:37:49] And it's also a witch movie.

[1:37:52] To capture the, you know, just jump on the bandwagon.

[1:37:55] I don't get the connection.

[1:37:57] This guy's hunting a witch, but not so he can kill her, so he can kiss her.

[1:38:01] It's called I Married a Witch, and it stars Frederick March and Veronica Lake.

[1:38:05] Veronica Lake is the titular witch.

[1:38:07] Oh, from L.A. Confidential.

[1:38:10] Yes.

[1:38:12] Yeah, Veronica Lake from L.A. Confidential.

[1:38:14] And Top of the Lake, which is a movie about her head.

[1:38:18] Top of the Lake, yeah.

[1:38:20] It was directed by Renée Clare and uncredited, but because who knows why.

[1:38:24] It wasn't yet the blacklist time, I don't believe.

[1:38:27] Dalton Trumbo.

[1:38:28] Yeah, Dalton Trumbo, exactly.

[1:38:30] Dan's favorite guy to make the most obvious joke in the world about Dalton Trumbo.

[1:38:34] But it's about this woman is being burned for being a witch.

[1:38:39] Maybe she's being hung for a witch.

[1:38:40] I don't remember.

[1:38:40] And she casts a curse on the family of the man who has caused all this, that they will never find happiness and love again.

[1:38:48] That's in, of course, the 17th century.

[1:38:50] Flash forward to the 1940s, and the descendant of that family is running for governor.

[1:38:56] And the witch comes back, and she decides she's going to ruin his life, but a love potion goes awry, and she falls in love with him.

[1:39:04] But how's he going to deal with the fact that this lady's a witch?

[1:39:08] The gender politics of the movie are a little old-fashioned, let's just say that.

[1:39:13] But it's a genuinely funny movie.

[1:39:15] And the performance of, I forgot the name of the actor, who plays Ronic Lake's character's father, who's also a witch, and is just out-and-out sinister, but in a very fun way, is very funny.

[1:39:27] So, I Married a Witch.

[1:39:28] It's a funny movie about a witch who marries a guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:32] And just a public service announcement.

[1:39:34] Remember, Trumbo sounds like Dumbo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:38] Brought to you by the Obvious Joke Council.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:43] All right, guys.

[1:39:44] Well, that brings another Flophouse episode, sadly, to a close.

[1:39:50] We have to say goodbye to you, our dear listeners.

[1:39:53] But fear not.

[1:39:54] We'll be back.

[1:39:56] And so, good night.

[1:39:58] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:40:00] Hey.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:02] Yeah.

[1:40:03] Stuart, did you forget that you also say your name?

[1:40:06] I am.

[1:40:06] You know, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:11] Am I Elliot Kalin?

[1:40:12] Who can say who they are in this world?

[1:40:15] I'm just going to say, I'm me, trying to be the best me I can be.

[1:40:21] Good night, everyone.

[1:40:24] Bye.

[1:40:34] Hold on.

[1:40:36] That's my point.

[1:40:37] I'm saying don't gripe to me, Argentina.

[1:40:42] Don't gripe to me, Argentina.

[1:40:46] I've got problems of my own.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:53] Stepped on a bit.

[1:40:55] Stepped on a bit.

[1:40:57] That's my new country-western song.

[1:40:59] You were trying to make a joke, so what's that on the bit?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:09] All right, let's do the intro first.

[1:41:11] And then afterwards, we'll do the episode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:14] All right, then what do we do after that?

[1:41:16] Then we go home.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:17] I mean, I'll be here already.

[1:41:18] I mean, you're going home, though.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:21] Yeah.

[1:41:22] In that you're dying.

[1:41:24] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:25] You told me it felt like going home.

[1:41:27] Walking through fields of wheat.

[1:41:29] It's me, Maximus.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:31] In the original.

[1:41:34] Everyone is just walking through fields of wheat,

[1:41:36] and you reach out, and you run your fingers through the wheat.

[1:41:41] That's it.

[1:41:42] That's all.

[1:41:43] That's the old thing.

[1:41:45] Hell is just do the same thing, but it's not wheat.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:50] It's penises.

[1:41:51] Oh, baby, do you know what that's worth?

[1:41:54] Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.

[1:41:56] But L is for children.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:01] You know what, Master Bruce?

[1:42:03] Love is a battlefield.

[1:42:07] So I ran, Master Bruce.

[1:42:09] I ran so far away.

[1:42:12] Gotta get away.

[1:42:15] I dialed 867-5309, Master Bruce.

[1:42:20] The angel was my center form.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:24] Anyway, let's do the intro.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:31] Okay, and then we'll do the episode.

[1:42:36] Oops, I kind of stepped on the bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:40] Oops, I did it again.

[1:42:43] I stepped on your bit.

[1:42:45] Got lost in the thing.

[1:42:47] Oh, Danny, Danny.

[1:42:49] Let's do the intro, Dan.

[1:42:50] Come on, what are you waiting for?

[1:42:51] And then we'll do the episode.

[1:42:54] Then we go home.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:57] Maximumfun.org.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:58] Comedy and culture.

[1:42:59] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:01] Listener supported.

Ep. #223 - The Last Witch Hunter

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