Ep. #224 - Zoolander 2

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Zoolander 2.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Why?

Dan McCoy

[0:07] Jesus.

[0:08] There's other people in this apartment building.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:38] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] Hey, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[0:40] I'm Stuart Willington.

Dan McCoy

[0:42] Wow, there's a cool guy over there, but I'm not.

[0:44] It's me, Ellie Kalin.

[0:46] Oh, boy, look at this nerdlinger over here.

Elliott Kalan

[0:49] What are we doing there, guys?

[0:51] What cool thing are we doing?

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Nothing for you, Dexter.

[0:53] Get out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[0:55] I thought he was a clown at first.

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] They won't laugh at me in the future.

[0:59] My name, Poindexter, will mean a lot.

[1:01] Buster Poindexter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03] And that's the story.

[1:05] That's how it happened.

[1:07] Welcome to this week's episode of That's How It Happened.

[1:11] I'm Stuart Willington.

[1:12] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:15] And we're the hosts of...

[1:16] And That's How It Happened.

[1:18] The show that tells you...

[1:19] How It Happened.

[1:20] And also...

[1:21] That's...

[1:23] Today on the show, The Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:25] How did that happen?

[1:27] Well, we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[1:30] That's how it happened.

[1:31] That's how it works.

[1:33] Can I just take a moment to say...

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] Uh-huh.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] There's a thrill that I didn't think I'd experienced this early in my son's life.

[1:41] Okay.

[1:41] Which he's just turned three.

[1:43] The thrill of him turning to me and saying...

[1:45] Which I'm just pushing him in the stroller down the street.

[1:47] And hearing him turn to me and say,

[1:48] Daddy, remember that That's How It Works song that you sang?

[1:53] Yeah, I do.

[1:54] Can you sing it to me?

[1:56] And my heart grew a thousand times its size.

[1:59] And the rest of the night was spent me singing That's How It Works to my son.

[2:03] And then he would say,

[2:04] Speaking of birthdays...

[2:06] You remember the whole thing.

[2:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Well, you're a real hit maker.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] Among my son, I'm a huge hit maker.

[2:12] You're like Motown.

Dan McCoy

[2:13] My songs are on the lips of all the my sons there are.

[2:16] You know, like Rock City, USA or whatever.

[2:19] Yeah, yeah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] Whatever that is.

[2:20] I'm imagining you pushing your son in a stroller through the streets of Park Slope,

[2:24] singing That's How It Works, and shutters are being slammed.

[2:28] Roll-down gates are hastily pulled down.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] An alligator peeks out of the sewers and goes,

[2:33] Ugh, and then pulls the manhole cover over itself.

[2:36] A squirrel jumps into a tree and then blinds shut over the knothole.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] There's a fancy dinner party and people's wine glasses shatter

[2:43] as your reedy voice comes filtering through the window.

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] Dark man recedes back into the alleyway that he was peeking out of.

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] Yeah, the Statue of Liberty snaps her torch in two and stuffs them in her ears.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Pretty accurate.

[3:02] So yeah, what do we do here, Dan?

[3:04] I just said it.

[3:04] Say it again.

[3:05] I just fucking said it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:06] Say it again.

[3:07] Say it again, I dare you.

[3:08] I double dog dare you.

[3:11] You don't do it.

[3:12] You have to eat two dogs.

[3:13] I'll do it.

Dan McCoy

[3:14] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:18] Guys, we watched a movie tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] Did we?

[3:21] Like, we watched, I'm going to need you guys' help summarizing this movie tonight,

[3:25] because so much of it flowed out of my ears.

[3:28] It's like, it flowed in my ear and my brain, in my eyes,

[3:32] and then my brain went, no, not letting you in.

[3:35] This is not entering the memory banks.

[3:37] And then it flooded right out of my other ear.

[3:39] Like, so much wax.

Stuart Wellington

[3:40] Yeah, you were standing out in the rainstorm that was this movie.

[3:44] Occasional chunks of hail mixed in with the rain.

[3:47] Those were the jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] Screaming to the heavens.

[3:49] Tearing at my undershirt, yelling,

[3:51] Stella!

[3:52] Or maybe this is that scene in school time.

[3:55] Or this could be King Lear.

[3:56] Or this could be King Lear.

[3:57] Is there anything?

[3:58] Or, uh, uh, uh, raising Arizona.

[4:02] Anything where people are yelling in the rain.

[4:04] Yeah.

[4:04] Um.

[4:05] I'm yelling in the rain.

[4:08] Mm-hmm.

[4:08] Just yelling in the rain.

[4:11] Barely.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] I left my keys inside.

[4:14] And I can't get out of the rain.

[4:16] Are we five minutes in?

[4:18] Please open the door.

[4:21] I don't want to be outside anymore.

[4:24] I'm yelling.

[4:25] I guess I'll just text my mom back.

[4:26] Yelling in the rain.

[4:30] Dedicated to Debbie Reynolds.

Dan McCoy

[4:33] Come on.

[4:33] She's a listener.

[4:35] My mom.

[4:36] Wait, Debbie Reynolds?

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:38] Debbie Reynolds.

[4:39] Oh, man.

[4:40] She's listening from beyond the grave.

[4:42] Jesus.

[4:44] She's here in this room right now.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] Speaking of, let's start at the end of this movie.

[4:48] The credits of this movie are horrible.

[4:51] But they end with a dedicated to and then a person.

[4:55] And I can think of...

[4:55] What a mighty cenotaph.

[4:57] No larger slap to a corpse's face than to have Zoolander 2 dedicated to their memory.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] What a memory of the fallen.

Dan McCoy

[5:05] There's some great memorials out there.

[5:08] The Sphinx.

[5:10] Yeah.

[5:11] Yeah.

[5:11] The Washington Memorial.

[5:13] Monument.

Elliott Kalan

[5:13] We would call it the Washington Monument.

[5:15] Zoolander.

[5:16] And then Zoolander 2.

Dan McCoy

[5:18] Through the portal of time.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] Look upon you by works, ye mighty in despair.

[5:23] So we watched Zoolander 2.

[5:25] Yeah.

[5:25] Now, we were drawn to this movie in the way that you're drawn to an endurance test because

[5:30] going...

[5:31] Let me just admit something right here.

[5:32] I'm a Zoolander virgin.

[5:33] I still have never seen the first one.

[5:35] So Elliot...

[5:36] And now that...

[5:36] Pause for the audience to gasp in shock that I didn't see one of the defining movies

[5:41] of, I guess, my classic college.

[5:43] Earbuds are being ripped out of ears right now.

[5:46] And yet...

[5:46] That came out...

[5:47] So all I knew about Zoolander 2 was this is the one movie Leonard Maltin has walked

[5:50] out of in his entire career as a reviewer.

Dan McCoy

[5:52] To bring us down, I believe that Zoolander came out right after 9-11?

[5:57] Yes.

[5:57] And that was part of why it was like an underperforming film.

[6:00] It became a cult hit afterwards.

[6:02] But I do remember I was down in Savannah during my brief stint in film school.

[6:08] And I was very depressed and I would go to see movies all the time.

[6:11] And it was right after...

[6:11] Drunk on mint juleps.

[6:12] Yeah.

[6:13] I remember being right after 9-11.

[6:15] That's a Savannah drink, right?

[6:16] Being like, what will heal the shattered nation?

[6:18] I know.

[6:19] Zoolander.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] It was...

[6:20] I will say this.

[6:21] I tried to watch a movie right after September 11th.

[6:24] And it was the day after.

[6:26] And I was in Manhattan because I was going to NYU.

[6:29] And the United Artists Theater on 13th Street and Broadway had decided...

[6:36] I think it's the United Artists had said...

[6:38] They put up signs all over the neighborhood that said, let's make today a day at the movies.

[6:43] Let's get our mind off our troubles.

[6:45] Free movies all day.

[6:46] Free popcorn.

[6:47] All free refreshments.

[6:49] And me and my friends were like, yeah, okay.

[6:51] I mean, we're feeling terrible and kind of scared.

[6:54] Let's go see a movie.

[6:55] I've heard Jeepers Creepers is a fun horror romp.

[6:58] Oh, boy.

[6:59] But like 15 minutes in, we have these huge things of popcorn and soda.

[7:03] We were like, we can't really do this.

[7:05] Like, this feels weird.

[7:06] And we left a full theater.

[7:08] And you'll never know how they got those peepers.

[7:12] To this day, I don't know how his peepers got got.

[7:14] But it's true.

[7:15] I didn't go to the movies that much in the immediate aftermath of September 11th.

[7:19] No.

Dan McCoy

[7:19] Well, rightfully so.

[7:21] No.

Elliott Kalan

[7:21] I was too busy being turned away at hospitals because they did not need any help.

Stuart Wellington

[7:27] Aw.

[7:27] That's nice of you.

[7:28] So you're doing something useful, whereas I was just like dicking around in college.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] But you weren't in the place it happened.

Stuart Wellington

[7:34] No, that's true.

[7:34] I was in the middle of Indiana.

[7:36] Yeah.

[7:36] So we really brought this podcast down.

[7:39] So anyway.

[7:40] Right at the start.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] Zoolander 2 was released.

[7:42] Many years later.

[7:44] Zoolander 2 was released in the aftermath of a different national tragedy.

[7:47] The production of Zoolander 2.

[7:49] So Zoolander, I take it, is a movie about a supermodel who does model stuff.

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:56] It's a Manchurian Candidate takeoff.

[7:58] Emphasis on the man.

Stuart Wellington

[8:00] It's Manchurian Candidate, and there's a little bit of an element of like a comeback story.

[8:05] Because at the beginning of the movie, we see Ben Stiller's character, Derek Zoolander,

[8:09] go through, you know, like a professional and personal loss.

[8:13] Sure.

[8:14] And he has to fight his way back.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] Now, are you describing Zoolander 2?

[8:18] Because it's the exact same plot as Zoolander 2.

Stuart Wellington

[8:21] Wait, are you saying that Zoolander 2 uses some of the same plot elements?

[8:26] I sure hope it doesn't use any of the same jokes, Elliot.

[8:28] I wouldn't know that.

Elliott Kalan

[8:29] I haven't seen the first one.

[8:30] But from your guys' reaction, it sure seems like it did.

[8:33] So let's dive into Zoolander 2, shall we?

[8:36] Something that no one has ever said.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] Zoolander 2 is...

[8:40] That sounds like the worst family movie night.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] Well, well, gather around, kiddos.

[8:46] We're going to dive into Zoolander 2.

[8:48] It's about, I guess, a planet where zoos are everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] Hey.

[8:51] I know you love that Zoolander, so this will be a real treat.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] Hey, kids, you don't seem to be eating that slop gruel I'm feeding you.

[8:59] Are you unhappy that you're chained to radiators?

Elliott Kalan

[9:02] No, and so we wanted to see this movie.

[9:05] Uh-huh.

[9:06] I don't think we were adequately prepared for how, like, this movie...

[9:11] And it's not like this was a huge...

[9:13] By Hollywood standards these days, it's not a huge budget movie.

[9:16] Looking up, the budget was like $50 million.

[9:18] Uh-huh.

[9:19] I'll say this for it.

[9:20] All that money is up there on screen.

[9:22] Because this movie looks stupidly expensive for what it is delivering.

[9:26] But, okay, it's Zoolander 2.

[9:28] We open with a long action sequence of Justin Bieber being tracked down by men on motorcycles and killed.

Dan McCoy

[9:35] And I can only assume that the joke of that is we shot Justin Bieber.

[9:39] Like, the joke of it is like, oh, this is what you want to see, guys, right?

[9:42] Justin Bieber getting killed.

Elliott Kalan

[9:43] Oh, because I assume the joke of it is, can you believe we got Justin Bieber to be in our movie?

[9:49] Because throughout the movie, there are pointless celebrity cameos.

[9:52] The only purpose is just to be like, and this guy's in the movie?

[9:55] What?

[9:57] This always works great.

[9:58] Ooh.

[9:58] Name one movie.

[9:59] Are you doing the voice of the director?

[10:02] Yeah.

[10:03] Name one movie that's built on celebrity cameos that's not great.

[10:08] Mm-hmm.

[10:08] Name one movie.

[10:10] Yeah.

[10:10] Name one bad movie where most of the gags just come from.

[10:13] I can't believe they got a celebrity to do that.

Dan McCoy

[10:15] Yeah.

[10:15] I mean, that's why Cannonball Run series is the finest series of comedy films ever made.

[10:20] Well, they're the best.

Elliott Kalan

[10:21] I will say, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is essentially built on cameos and routines, and that's a pretty funny movie.

Stuart Wellington

[10:27] Oh, it's so long, though.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] There's this shot.

[10:29] Well, if you can't handle it, then watch it in halves.

[10:32] Yeah.

[10:32] Look at that long-ass title, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[10:33] You should assume it's going to be long.

[10:35] Yeah.

[10:35] It's got four Mads in it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] Cut out two of those Mads.

[10:37] But you better not cut out Mads Mikkelsen.

[10:39] Oh, no.

[10:40] What if it was called It's a Mads, Mads, Mads, Mads World?

[10:43] Mads Mikkelsen is trying to get buried money, and the only one who can stop him is another Mads Mikkelsen.

[10:47] Oh, my God.

[10:48] Then there's a goofy Mads Mikkelsen who's along for the ride.

[10:50] It's called Mads-a-plicity.

[10:52] It's a remake of Multiplicity starring Mads Mikkelsen.

[10:55] And they're a bad father?

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] Yes.

[10:59] Wait, what's the story of Multiplicity, or am I thinking Jack Frost?

[11:02] They're both.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] Both of them, he's a bad kind of—

[11:04] He just wants—

[11:05] Does he have kids in Multiplicity?

[11:06] He wants it all.

[11:08] He wants to be able to relax and have a family and a job.

Stuart Wellington

[11:11] So does he get a magical remote control that he can click things to happen?

Elliott Kalan

[11:16] No, that's Click, a movie that does not star Michael Keaton.

[11:19] Okay.

[11:20] But does he take any desperate measures?

[11:22] You're thinking of Click, the Milo Minaro erotic comic.

[11:26] I think he was referring to Click, the Adam Sandler film, and not the softcore porn series based on the Milo Minaro.

[11:32] But that's where your brain is, Dan, so okay, that's fine.

[11:36] Anyway, Zoolander 2, Justin Bieber is dead in what can only be described as a scene that in another movie would represent a bad movie.

[11:44] Like, where the joke would be, this looks like a bad movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] Yeah, I mean, you're describing it that it looks like Ben Stiller made a fake action movie that you would see in the beginning of Tropic Thunder.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] Yeah, like those trailers, the beginning of Tropic Thunder, where you're like, those movies look ridiculous.

[11:59] Like, this movie feels like that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[12:01] And that's, I think, the whole thing of it is that it feels like we're through the weird mirror of it, where it feels like the movie doesn't understand what it's trying to be, whether it's trying to be a comedy that's parodying action films, or if it's like, wait a minute, what if we were that action film?

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Well, that's, the whole movie, exactly, it feels like they're trying to parody what people think is cool and stylish, but it also kind of wants to be cool and stylish.

[12:30] And so there are a bunch of scenes where it's like somebody walking towards the camera as loud hip-hop plays, and there's lights flashing, and they're walking in slow motion, and they look super tough.

[12:41] But there's no real joke in it.

[12:43] The joke is like, isn't this over the top?

[12:46] But it's kind of cool, though, right?

Dan McCoy

[12:48] Well, don't you think that's part of Ben Stiller's motivation for making this movie, where he's just like, wouldn't it be hilarious if I was a male model?

[12:56] I mean, I am pretty handsome, I mean, really, but if you look at me, but it would be really funny if I'm a male model.

[13:01] I mean, I could pull it off, I guess.

[13:03] I mean, I totally could do that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] Kind of, this is the movie equivalent of when you're hanging out with a girl who's a friend of yours, and you're like, wouldn't it be funny if we started making out?

[13:12] I mean, unless you're into it, in which case, we could do it not as a joke, but it'd be pretty funny, you know, right?

[13:17] But we could also, like, and you're trying to walk that delicate tightrope that no man has ever walked successfully.

[13:23] You're trying to thread that perfect needle.

[13:25] Except the thread doesn't exist, and the needle also doesn't exist.

Dan McCoy

[13:29] I love the conceit of this, too, is that we live in a world where it would be hilarious if you just made that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] What a good joke.

[13:37] It's hard to get the girl to buy into that premise.

[13:40] It's a pretty thin premise.

[13:44] It's like the yawn and put your arm around a girl's shoulder, where it's like, at what point, what part of this fiction is she supposed to believe in?

Stuart Wellington

[13:53] To believe that while yawning and stretching, and then you just relaxed your arms, and they fell back to their naturalness.

[13:59] Resting state.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] Which is all the way over here, because everyone likes to rest their arm the same way they would signal that they're making a turn, with their arms sticking straight out.

Stuart Wellington

[14:09] No, it's convenient to have your arm up that high, because it's harder for the blood to get there from your heart, so your arm may fall asleep.

Elliott Kalan

[14:17] That's what convenient means?

[14:19] Because if it's an idle hands type situation, you don't have to worry about your serial killer hands hurting anyone, because they're asleep.

Stuart Wellington

[14:25] All right.

[14:25] That movie's not streaming anywhere, I discovered the other day.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] It's an outrage.

Stuart Wellington

[14:32] Yeah, let's take to the fucking streets.

[14:34] Let's start up a Kickstarter for our protest campaign.

[14:38] I mean, Kickstarter would be inappropriate for this specific thing.

Elliott Kalan

[14:41] Call the Warner's Archive and have them print up the DVD for you.

[14:44] It's not a Warner's movie?

[14:45] Well, they better buy that fucking movie so they can print up an on-demand copy for me.

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] So you guys are telling me I should just go tell it to the Marines then?

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] Yeah, exactly.

[14:55] Or the Spartans.

[14:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:57] Call the army like in Monster Squad.

[14:58] Yep.

[14:59] But that's the joke is that it works in Monster Squad.

[15:02] Spoiler alert.

[15:03] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] Okay.

[15:04] Okay, anyway, Zoolander 2.

[15:05] Justin Bieber is killed.

[15:06] In his last moments, he does a Zoolander face into Instagram.

[15:09] Cut to, we're in Interpol, where former swimsuit model turned Interpol detective who wears red leather outfits.

[15:17] Penelope Cruz realizes that all these-

Stuart Wellington

[15:20] She's, I guess, up for it.

[15:21] I mean, she's trying.

[15:22] Yeah.

[15:23] Everyone in this-

[15:23] No one in this movie half-asses it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] Yeah.

[15:25] Everyone in this movie is trying really hard to sell this material.

[15:28] Nobody dial- phones it in.

[15:30] Nobody-

[15:31] And if anything, that's one of the-

[15:33] And one man succeeds, but we'll get to that.

[15:34] And there's one character in this movie who is very funny, and the performer succeeds.

[15:39] The rest of the movie doesn't really work.

[15:41] But you can't blame the performers for not trying.

[15:43] If anything, if they had had more-

[15:46] If they were a little looser with it, maybe it would have come across as less self-important.

[15:51] I don't know.

[15:51] Like, it's too big a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] Yeah.

[15:53] I mean, I guess the, like, the broader, vaguely European fashion personas that they're throwing out there don't really-

[16:03] I mean, so the first Zoolander was-

[16:07] Received criticism at the time.

[16:08] I know it's hard to believe.

[16:10] But it received criticism for the fact that it is-

[16:13] It was not topical at all for the time.

[16:15] Like, the jokiness of, like, dumb models.

[16:19] Like, these dumb models from the 80s had basically disappeared by the time the first Zoolander came out.

[16:25] So, in a way, not only is this movie even less topical, but the fact that it's parodying these, like, cooler-than-school action movies-

[16:33] Movies that don't really exist anymore.

[16:36] Like, the only big-budget action movies that are even kind of like this that seem successful are, like, the Fast and the Furious series.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] Or, in some ways, like, the way this movie ends up going with special effects and things like superhero movies a little bit.

[16:49] But, like, they're not- I don't think they're explicitly-

[16:50] It looks like-

[16:51] Well, what it really looks like is they're parodying certain sequences of Quantum of Solace.

Stuart Wellington

[16:56] Oh, okay.

[16:57] It feels like somebody was-

[16:59] Somebody didn't realize the Charlie's Angels movies were tongue-in-cheek.

[17:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] And they were like, no, time to take McG down the leg.

Dan McCoy

[17:05] Yeah, no, exactly.

[17:06] Like, this feels like a Luc Besson-produced movie, which also, tongue-in-cheek, like, no one's taking the Transporter 2 seriously.

[17:12] What are you talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[17:14] And the character, like, they kind of-

Stuart Wellington

[17:16] Are you talking about the nurse lady in lingerie that has two mini-machine dudes?

Dan McCoy

[17:22] I just watched part of that the other day.

[17:24] Like, I saw it, and, like, there's literally-

[17:27] I think I know why you watched it.

[17:29] It just happened to be on when I was turning the channel-

[17:32] It just happened to be on when I was masturbating.

[17:34] And as she got out of the car, there was literally just, like, the camera's just up in her, like, panty crotch for a second.

[17:41] Like, framed full screen, just that, as she's getting out of the-

[17:45] And it's the most unmotivated thing.

[17:47] Yeah, yeah.

[17:48] Like, it's already unmotivated that there's this assassin who walks around in lingerie, and then they're like, nope, not good enough.

Stuart Wellington

[17:54] Let's get right up in there.

[17:55] Let's see what that's like.

[17:56] The director's notes are like, the shot begins.

[17:59] It's so close, we don't even know what we're looking at.

[18:01] Is this a forest?

[18:03] Interior.

[18:04] Her thighs.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] We realize we're looking at a woman's crotch.

[18:10] Yeah.

[18:11] We pan back.

[18:12] It's a real twist.

[18:12] Then pan back forward again.

[18:14] Yeah.

[18:15] And we do an auga sound effect.

[18:17] I'll say this about the movie.

[18:19] The visual style is intense and extreme.

[18:22] It's constantly throwing crazy costumes and colors at you in a style that-

[18:26] And I get the joke is supposed to be how crazy and outlandish it is.

[18:30] Zoolandish, even.

[18:31] But there's a certain point where it stops being jokey, and it enters a realm that I would only call, and I mean this as respectfully as possible, shitty Fellini.

[18:40] Where it's like, we're going to show you grotesque things on screen.

[18:44] Like, we're going to kind of mess with your mind because you go to movies to see beautiful things, and I'm going to show you that ugly things can be beautiful too.

[18:53] And that like grotesquerie, when it's blown out enough, can become beautiful in its own way.

[18:59] And like Fellini pulls that off.

[19:00] Zoolander 2 doesn't quite pull that off.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] Are you referring to scenes like when he's not as good a movie maker as Federico Fellini?

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] Yeah, Pepperino for the Fellini, what did you call him?

[19:11] I said it right.

[19:12] Yeah, Federico.

[19:13] I'm saying that Fellini maybe knew more about making movies than the people behind Zoolander 2.

Stuart Wellington

[19:17] Are you referring to scenes like the one where they could have had just a regular child in it, or they could have had actor Fred Armisen be in that scene, and they decided, let's digitally take Fred Armisen's face and put it on a child's body so that it feels uncomfortable and alien to the viewer.

Elliott Kalan

[19:35] You know the scenes in The Love Guru that didn't really work when we put Michael Myers' face digitally on a body?

Stuart Wellington

[19:40] I have never seen it because he told us we couldn't watch that movie for the podcast.

[19:44] Yeah, that's true, I did.

Elliott Kalan

[19:46] You were worried that John Oliver would be mad at us.

[19:48] Well, John Oliver, he's, you know what, he's famous enough that he can survive Love Guru.

[19:53] He's launched into the stratosphere.

[19:54] Yeah, I think we can do it now.

Dan McCoy

[19:55] We do it, and you get a call.

[19:58] Elliot, Elliot, what the fuck?

[20:00] What the fuck?

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] You're talking about Love Guru.

[20:03] I know you're doing it.

[20:04] Stop it.

[20:05] Stop it.

[20:06] I can see you doing it.

[20:06] I can hear you doing it.

[20:08] Stop it.

[20:08] John, am I in an over-the-shoulder graphic right now when you're looking at it?

[20:12] Sharon, Sharon, I can see you.

Dan McCoy

[20:15] You're the one who took it.

[20:16] Don't tell me I'm wrong.

[20:18] Sharon.

Elliott Kalan

[20:19] We've got a message for Elliot Kalin.

[20:22] Fuck you.

[20:23] Well, we just took it.

[20:24] We really took down last week's night.

[20:26] We took it to last night.

[20:27] Homie doesn't hear this.

[20:29] He doesn't listen.

[20:29] But Zoolander, I don't even want to go through the plot in detail, but it involves Zoolander's

[20:36] wife has died in an accident.

Stuart Wellington

[20:39] His best friend Owen Wilson has been scarred.

[20:42] And we're given a ton of exposition delivered to us with a lot of fast-moving graphics and

[20:47] talking heads.

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] As many real-life news people as they get convinced to be in this.

[20:51] Because again, the backbone of this movie is, we've got a lot of famous friends.

[20:54] Let's put them in this movie.

[20:56] And during the end credits, there's a shot of, I think, Jim Carrey in a mustache.

[21:02] Really?

[21:02] I think.

[21:04] He's a master of disguise.

[21:05] And it was like, did they shoot a scene with Jim Carrey that didn't end up in the film?

[21:08] And they just threw a still of it at the end?

[21:11] I mean, his name is Ben Stiller.

[21:13] Oh.

[21:14] Do you remember when he was a rock and roll star?

[21:18] With Crosby, Stiller, Nash, and Young?

[21:19] Oh, God.

[21:21] That's even worse.

[21:21] Oh, no.

[21:22] That was his dad, Jerry Stiller.

Stuart Wellington

[21:23] That was Kevin Nash, right?

[21:27] The wrestler?

[21:28] It was Kevin Nash.

[21:29] Jerry Stiller.

[21:31] It was...

[21:32] Bing Crosby.

Elliott Kalan

[21:34] Bing Crosby.

[21:36] Yeah.

[21:36] And Carl Young.

[21:38] Oh, wow.

[21:39] And Crosby, Stiller, Nash, and Young.

[21:41] They just did too many drugs, right?

[21:43] That was their problem?

[21:44] I mean, their sound was so fresh for the time.

[21:47] But yeah, they...

[21:48] I mean, Young lost himself in hallucinogenics.

[21:50] Sure.

[21:50] Jerry Stiller, of course, had too many M&Ms, I assume.

Stuart Wellington

[21:54] Kevin Nash wanders the waste as one of the Magic Mike gang.

[21:58] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] And Bing Crosby, as we all know, took his own life as well as four others when he tried

[22:04] robbing a bank.

[22:05] Oh, no.

[22:06] That's why they called him Bank Crosby.

[22:07] Oh, God damn it.

[22:10] I want to get to the point where it's a pun, but the words don't sound anything like each

[22:13] other.

[22:14] You got there, friend.

[22:17] Anyway, Ben Stiller's wife was killed.

[22:19] He's lost his son.

[22:20] Yeah.

[22:21] And doesn't know where he is.

[22:22] He's living in a remote part of frozen New Jersey in a cabin.

[22:26] And Billy Zane comes along and says, hey, you've been offered to do this fashion show

[22:29] in Rome.

[22:30] You should do it.

[22:30] Maybe you can get your son back.

[22:33] Meanwhile, Owen Wilson lives in the desert with a bunch of people that he met at an orgy.

[22:37] He refers to them as orgy.

[22:39] They are...

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] It's a nice collection of people dressed up in different cultures' clothing.

[22:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] And it's one of the few places that you see a lot of people not...

[22:47] You'll see a lot of people of color or of different shapes in the whole movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:51] Basically...

[22:51] No, but it's great because their ethnicities seem to be part of the joke.

[22:55] Yeah, the joke is that they fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] The joke is that any of these people would have sex with...

[23:00] Like, there's a scene later where he is with another orgy of mismatched people and there's

[23:04] like a rabbi and an old woman.

[23:06] And it's like, this is hilarious.

[23:08] The people are not...

Stuart Wellington

[23:09] Did you just call Susan Sarandon an old woman?

Elliott Kalan

[23:11] No, there's another old woman.

[23:13] Susan Sarandon is a senior.

[23:15] Yes, but I would not call her that.

[23:18] If anything, to call her that is just showing that old women can also be sexy.

[23:22] Oh.

[23:22] Now you made it gross.

[23:24] Well, it's gross, the idea that older people would have sex drives?

Dan McCoy

[23:28] Wow, we're driving a dangerous lane on the highway.

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] No, but that's the thing.

[23:32] The joke seems to be, it is hilarious that people who are not beautiful would have sex.

[23:37] Yeah.

[23:38] That's crazy.

[23:39] Yeah.

[23:39] Only a bizarre fetishist would have sex with someone who's not gorgeous.

[23:44] Like, there's a number...

[23:45] When Zoolander meets his son...

[23:47] Or they don't look basically exactly like you.

[23:50] Yeah.

[23:50] When Zoolander meets his son, his son is like overweight.

[23:55] And they're a bunch of...

[23:56] But they're a bunch of...

[23:57] You dealt with that description with a subtlety the movie lacks.

[24:00] Well, that's the thing.

[24:01] There are a lot of fat jokes...

Stuart Wellington

[24:02] Just by putting the word like in front of overweight?

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] Well, I'm trying to...

[24:07] But what I'm trying to do is not do with the movie.

[24:09] Yeah.

[24:10] Which is that Zoolander, to show his ignorance, makes a bunch of jokes about how fat this kid is.

[24:14] And then later, Will Ferrell returns as the villain and makes a lot of jokes about how fat this kid is.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:19] And it's like movie...

[24:20] Yeah, you can't do this movie.

[24:21] You realize you can't look down at these people for making jokes that are in your movie.

[24:25] Like, you're trying to get people to laugh at fat jokes.

[24:27] Yeah.

[24:28] You can't pretend you're above it by putting it in the mouths of these other characters.

Dan McCoy

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:33] But where did we leave off?

Elliott Kalan

[24:35] So he's...

[24:36] But he's...

[24:37] So, and Owen Wilson's living in the desert.

[24:39] Everyone in the orgy is pregnant, including Kiefer Sutherland.

[24:43] And he gets...

[24:44] Hysterical.

[24:44] He also gets a job.

[24:45] Billy Zane tells him about this job.

[24:47] They go to Rome to Zoolander to try to win back his son, Owen Wilson, to find out who he is and escape his life.

[24:53] And they end up in the middle of a...

[24:55] Some kind of caper conspiracy that involves Zoolander's son getting kidnapped.

[25:00] Yeah, it's not...

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] It's so...

[25:01] It's so...

[25:01] It's so unvoluted.

Stuart Wellington

[25:03] Initially, they think that they're back into modeling, but they're actually just doing it as a joke, and then they feel bad.

[25:10] But it's all kinds of bullshit, man.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] It turns out they're the old...

[25:13] They...

[25:14] We're putting this modeling show to represent old, lame things, so that a new model, played by Benedict Cumberbatch, who is a gender-neutral monster...

[25:21] Insult to trans people everywhere.

[25:25] It's another thing that, like, a behind-the-times thing, where it's like, I could see them getting away with the concept of the joke, if not the way it's delivered 20 years ago, 30 years ago, maybe 10 or 15 years ago.

Dan McCoy

[25:38] I mean, the joke is supposed to be that, like, oh, there are a lot of androgynous models out there.

[25:44] Like, isn't that funny that that's a thing that exists in the modeling community?

[25:49] But instead, it comes across as, like, they're like, this person doesn't know whether they're male or female.

[25:55] And it's crazy that they're gender non-binary.

Stuart Wellington

[25:58] And it doesn't help that Benedict Cumberbatch's performance is as low as possible, as low energy as they can make it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] Yeah, but that's the way the character's supposed to be, I assume.

[26:09] But it's a lot low energy when he, during the fashion show, swoops down in a winged harness, screeching like a hawk and whipping Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson.

[26:18] And it's like, why did Benedict Cumberbatch take this role?

[26:21] Oh, now I see why.

[26:22] How often do you get to be a hawk monster whipping other people?

Stuart Wellington

[26:27] Yeah, and as you put it, like, the first time he shows up, it did feel like a scene that you're like, why did they?

[26:32] They could have just cut this scene.

Elliott Kalan

[26:33] Well, also because the character doesn't come back.

[26:37] Like, it's a one-off joke.

[26:38] The character doesn't come back as like.

[26:40] He's a busy dude, man.

Dan McCoy

[26:41] Cumberbatch is a big Zoolander head.

[26:44] He's a big Z-head.

[26:45] He really wanted to be in this movie.

[26:46] He's like, I will do anything, like the most offensive, stupid idea you come up with.

[26:51] Just put me in a costume.

Elliott Kalan

[26:52] Look, I'm a Zoolander fan.

[26:54] We call ourselves Z-Ds.

[26:55] Yeah.

[26:55] This is what, then I want to be there.

Dan McCoy

[26:57] And I'm a big pothead, so they call me a baked Z-D.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] In Zoolander culture, that's what potheads are called.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] There's a new.

[27:08] I'm concerned about this, like, group of overwatchers.

[27:11] These, like, they that are labeling everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[27:15] Just imagine, like, a local.

[27:16] I'm not a Z-D.

[27:17] Who watches the watchmans, too, you know?

[27:18] Who Zs the Z-man?

[27:21] Now I want to see, like, a scare story on the news about, are your kids getting involved

[27:26] with Z-heads?

[27:27] There's a new subculture on the streets.

[27:30] Zoolander fans.

[27:31] They call themselves Z-Ds.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] They put on different colors of makeup, or they put on different colors of lipstick,

[27:39] and they kiss their DVDs of Zoolander, too.

Elliott Kalan

[27:42] Yeah, Zoolander rainbow parties.

Dan McCoy

[27:46] Look it up, kids.

[27:47] You don't know that urban legend.

Elliott Kalan

[27:49] That urban legend.

[27:49] Oh, it swept the nation.

[27:51] Not really.

[27:53] It's a sign of how, like, the best our urban legends can do now is that one presidential candidate

[28:02] is involved in a child sex abuse ring.

[28:04] That's the best we can do.

[28:05] In the 80s, every preschool in the country was supposedly involved in satanic abuse rings.

Stuart Wellington

[28:11] Yeah, dude, there was, like, a leather man running all over the place, right?

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] Probably.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] Are you talking about the hobo?

[28:17] Yeah, the hobo leather man.

Dan McCoy

[28:18] No, that was 150 years ago.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] That was in the 1980s.

[28:23] That was the mid-19th century.

[28:25] So what I'm saying is, there's not enough fake news.

[28:27] Let's get some more stuff out there.

[28:29] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[28:29] But there's, like, a weird conspiracy thing going on where, like, the pop stars are supposedly

[28:35] The pop stars are being murdered.

[28:37] They're being murdered.

[28:38] They're being murdered.

[28:38] But they're, like, the protectors of this chosen one child that's supposed to come.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] Well, it's explained by Sting.

[28:46] Yeah.

[28:47] Wearing a beard that I can only describe as slightly better than Vin Diesel's in The Last

[28:53] Witch Hunter.

Dan McCoy

[28:53] It looks like he came straight off the set of that pirate musical he did.

[28:57] The Last Ship was not a pirate musical.

[28:59] It wasn't?

Elliott Kalan

[28:59] It was about, like, an Irish town.

[29:02] No, it's Scott.

[29:03] It's about a UK town that builds ships.

[29:05] I don't know anything about it.

[29:06] And the plant is closing down.

[29:07] I just saw a performance in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade once.

[29:10] You should have when you didn't see any pirates.

Stuart Wellington

[29:13] Was Jackie Chan in the performance?

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] Could you tell?

Stuart Wellington

[29:16] Was Jackie Chan a pirate is my question.

Elliott Kalan

[29:19] Because if that's not a movie, it should be.

[29:22] He's kind of like an Errol Flynn type.

Stuart Wellington

[29:24] Here's my pitch.

Elliott Kalan

[29:25] It's Captain Ron, but it's Jackie Chan.

[29:27] It's called Captain Chan.

[29:28] There's a lot more action in it.

Dan McCoy

[29:29] Let's do it.

[29:30] That's a $700,000 idea.

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] Who's going to step into the Martian short?

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] Martian short!

[29:39] Oh, no!

[29:40] Greetings, Earthling.

[29:41] I can do many impressions.

[29:44] I'm a triple threat singer, actor, comedian.

[29:48] I come from Mars.

[29:50] Greetings, Earthling, I must say.

Dan McCoy

[29:54] Oh, like Pat Sajak isn't the most decent person in the world.

[29:58] Now for my next character, Jiminy Gleep Glorp.

[30:02] Martian short!

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] So who's going to play Martin Short in this Captain Chan?

[30:10] Who's going to play Martin?

[30:12] Well, let's see.

[30:13] Who's going to play the perfect foil for Jackie Chan?

Stuart Wellington

[30:16] Yeah, super sick Idris Elba.

[30:19] Oh, wow.

[30:20] Okay, that makes sense.

[30:21] Because they're physically very similar.

[30:24] But Jackie Chan, I guess he's the tougher of the two because he's...

[30:29] I mean, he does his own stunts.

[30:30] Yeah, that's true.

[30:31] I mean, he is a martial artist.

[30:32] Did you see that video?

[30:33] There was a...

Dan McCoy

[30:33] Let's put some glasses on Idris Elba.

[30:35] That'll signal that he's retiring.

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] But it makes him even hotter.

[30:38] That's the problem.

[30:39] I was watching...

[30:40] Dan, the things that would look nerdy on me look super hot on a handsome black guy.

[30:46] Scarves, bow ties, loafers.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] You don't have to fucking tell me.

[30:49] I bought a...

[30:51] I got a vintage wool tweed overcoat.

[30:56] I'm sure you look like a big nerd.

[30:58] Because I was like...

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] You're like Tyrese can wear this.

[31:00] I was like, oh...

[31:02] Idris Elba looks so good in this in Luther.

Dan McCoy

[31:04] And then I'm like, oh...

[31:06] The problem is I'm not Idris Elba.

Elliott Kalan

[31:08] Yeah.

[31:08] It's Idris Elba that's making it look good.

[31:10] It's not the coat that looks good.

[31:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:12] Yeah.

[31:12] Did you have a vision in your head that you'd look at yourself in the mirror wearing the coat

[31:16] and you'd be Idris Elba?

[31:18] Yeah, it'd be my fucking magic.

[31:19] It'd be my fucking magic coat.

Dan McCoy

[31:22] I think everyone's had that experience of being like, this is the magic piece of clothing.

[31:26] This is the one that's going to do it.

Stuart Wellington

[31:27] I mean, I kind of stopped having that after middle school.

[31:32] Where I'm like, wow, these fucking awesome...

Dan McCoy

[31:34] This fedora doesn't really work, does it?

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] Yeah, fedora definitely was what I tried, yeah.

[31:39] I'll look like Humphrey Bogart now.

[31:42] Nope, I just look like an Orthodox Jewish kid.

Stuart Wellington

[31:46] There was a kid I was...

[31:47] People avoided you because they were worried that you were going to ask them if they're Jewish

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] so you could bless them.

[31:51] So I could hand them a lulav and an etrog and force them to waste a minute of their day

[31:57] doing prayers for my Messiah.

[32:01] I hate the...

[32:02] I'm not a fan of those guys.

[32:04] I told you guys...

[32:05] I may have mentioned in the podcast about when I snapped at one of those guys.

[32:08] I was thinking about an idea when I was leaving the subway.

[32:11] You never found his body.

[32:11] And I wanted to get...

[32:13] I wanted to stop so I could write it down.

[32:14] It's Frankenstein's monster, god damn it.

[32:17] And the guy would tell us, excuse me, are you Jewish?

[32:19] And I went, can I not have one moment to myself to think?

[32:24] And he backed away and I felt bad afterwards.

[32:28] But anyway, it reminded me of a friend of mine in elementary school who got...

[32:34] He was probably like nine.

[32:36] And he got mirrored sunglasses and he wanted everyone to call him Michael J. Fox.

[32:40] Because that was the apex of cool.

Dan McCoy

[32:43] I think the problem is more with the second half of that than the first half of the thing.

[32:47] I think he probably could have looked okay in this mirrored sunglasses.

[32:49] Yeah, he could have pulled all the mirrored sunglasses.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] He still looked like a kid wearing mirrored sunglasses.

[32:53] Okay, so there's this prophecy that Sting tells them about.

[32:57] Yeah.

[32:57] That in the Garden of Eden, there was...

[32:59] Everyone's looking for this fountain of youth, it turns out.

[33:01] In the Garden of Eden, there was Adam and Eve and Steve.

[33:05] And Steve was the first ever model.

[33:08] And he's the most beautiful person ever.

[33:09] And he had a magic face that when he looked at you hard enough,

[33:14] it turned water into magic life-giving water or something.

[33:18] And the legend is that if you tear out the heart of one of his descendants

[33:23] and blood spurts forth from it, it becomes the fountain of youth

[33:26] and you'll stay young and beautiful forever.

[33:28] And Zoolander goes, oh no, my son is in danger.

[33:31] Well, actually, they go, oh no, your son is in danger.

[33:34] And he's like, why?

[33:35] What?

[33:35] Huh?

[33:35] Because the joke is that he's stupid.

[33:36] He doesn't...

[33:37] And there's one of many times during the movie when I was like,

[33:39] why is Zoolander in this movie?

[33:41] Why did they bother to go get him?

[33:43] Because he's not doing anything.

[33:46] He accomplishes nothing until the very last scene.

[33:50] And even then he doesn't really accomplish anything.

[33:53] But anyway, that was the first bad reaction I had

[33:57] where I was just giving up on the movie.

[33:59] The second was when Will Ferrell breaks out of fashion jail,

[34:03] villain from the first movie, I assume.

[34:04] And we see him in the hundredth silly, like, goofy fashion outfit.

[34:13] And I went, and Stuart heard me go, oh, enough.

Stuart Wellington

[34:18] But that's the whole point of the movie, Elliot,

[34:20] is to take actors and put them in wacky costumes.

[34:23] I gotta say.

[34:23] That's the joke.

Elliott Kalan

[34:24] I like wacky costumes, but, like, come on.

[34:27] You gotta have something other than that.

Dan McCoy

[34:28] I gotta say that one of the things that bothered me the most

[34:30] about the movie comedically, and I commented on this

[34:32] while we're watching it, is it's one of these movies

[34:35] where they will make a joke, and then the characters

[34:38] within the movie will comment on the joke

[34:40] or draw attention to the joke.

[34:42] Like that front-of-the-table Wi-Fi joke?

[34:43] Well, the one that I was thinking of later in the movie is

[34:46] Hansel is talking to Derek Zoolander's son,

[34:49] and he's like, he loves you like you're one of his own,

[34:52] which is, like, not a hilarious joke, but it's a joke.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] Loves you like you're his own son or something like that?

Dan McCoy

[34:57] Well, no, like you're, no, he says like you're one of his own,

[35:00] and he goes, but I am his son.

[35:02] And it's like, yeah, we get the fucking thing, man.

[35:05] We get it.

[35:07] Like, you don't need to underline.

[35:07] It's like the thing on Saturday Night Live

Stuart Wellington

[35:08] where there's always a character who's like,

Elliott Kalan

[35:10] but why would you do that?

[35:11] That's crazy.

[35:12] What are you doing that for?

Stuart Wellington

[35:13] I mean, that's half of their fucking sketches.

[35:15] Yeah, I guess.

[35:16] Introduce a wacky character,

[35:18] and then half of the people just react to them.

Elliott Kalan

[35:20] There's a scene where, so Fred Armisen is showing,

[35:22] kid Fred Armisen, creepy digital effects,

[35:25] kid Fred Armisen is showing them through their hotel they're staying in.

Stuart Wellington

[35:27] It was tough for me to really focus

[35:29] because my brain wasn't understanding what I was looking at.

[35:33] Yeah.

[35:33] And there's a...

Dan McCoy

[35:34] Your mind was rejecting it.

[35:36] He goes, and we have...

[35:37] You saw a white screen.

Elliott Kalan

[35:39] You're like, guys, are we watching a movie?

Dan McCoy

[35:43] Your eyes went blind to protect yourself.

[35:45] Yeah, guys, where'd we go?

Elliott Kalan

[35:47] You had a series of what doctors refer to as protective mini strokes.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] We've seen these a lot.

[35:54] Zoolander 2?

[35:55] Zoolander 2.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] Much like firemen would tear down a house in the path of a fire to stop its progress,

[36:02] your brain decided to shut itself down rather than watch Fred Armisen in this weird scene.

Stuart Wellington

[36:07] Thank you, doctor, for putting it into a historical context.

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] I figured you'd understand it better if it had to do with ancient fire prevention techniques.

[36:14] Like the kind maybe in the Edo era of Japan.

[36:18] That sounds really cool.

[36:20] Now, uh...

[36:21] But you were against the farm-to-table...

[36:22] He says, and we have farm-to-table Wi-Fi.

[36:25] Throwaway joke.

[36:26] And then he leaves the room and they both start going, what is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?

[36:31] Huh?

[36:31] What is that?

[36:32] I don't even know.

[36:33] And it's like, all right, guys.

[36:35] Yeah.

[36:36] Just...

Dan McCoy

[36:36] Yeah, you've thrown away whatever minor goodwill your...

[36:39] From that joke.

[36:40] ...tiny witticism may have endangered in the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[36:43] Speaking of goodwill, this movie relies on so much goodwill from the audience to...

[36:50] Like, they assume that you love these characters.

[36:53] Like, you saw that first movie and you liked...

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] Which, there are plenty of people who do love those characters, or love the first movie, at least.

[36:58] Mm-hmm.

[36:59] But the...

[36:59] But they assume that you can't wait to see these people return.

Stuart Wellington

[37:02] And that just seeing them is enough.

[37:05] Like, just seeing Derek Zoolander standing there in a funny outfit, you're like, oh my god, thank you.

[37:11] That was what my life has been missing.

Elliott Kalan

[37:13] Like, oh, the villain's henchman is back.

[37:15] Wait, well, I have an orgasm.

[37:17] Yeah.

[37:17] Okay, movie, continue.

[37:18] No, no, it's not done yet.

[37:20] Okay, continue.

[37:21] No, oh, oh, okay, oh, okay, continue.

Dan McCoy

[37:23] Yeah, there was a scene at the end where, like, people just were getting, like, unmasked.

[37:29] Where it was like, oh, Kristen Wiig's character was Mia Jovovich the whole time.

[37:34] And you're like, okay, well, this is just, like, great.

[37:37] Are we all supposed to applaud that that lady, remember, from the first movie is in here?

[37:41] Because I wasn't wondering where she was.

Stuart Wellington

[37:43] I mean, at that point I was like, oh, great, Mia Jovovich, that's great.

[37:46] She's not Resident Evil anymore.

Dan McCoy

[37:48] Yeah.

[37:49] I mean, look, I like her.

[37:51] She's great.

[37:51] I think that she's always better than, like, she gets credit for.

[37:56] And I think that she's got a lot of...

[37:57] I like her a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] It's too bad that she's been trapped in Resident Evil land for a long time.

Dan McCoy

[38:01] And I think that she actually has, like, a talent for, like, comedy, too.

[38:04] But, you know, what are you going to do?

[38:07] What are you going to do, Ellie?

[38:09] Write a light comedy for her, Tim.

[38:10] What are you going to do?

Stuart Wellington

[38:11] Help Mia Jovovich.

[38:13] Shoot the hostage.

[38:14] Yeah, convince Quentin Tarantino to write the comeback role for Mia Jovovich.

[38:20] That's going to be too foot-based, won't it?

[38:22] It's going to be all feet.

[38:23] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[38:24] If you type in Mia Jovovich in Google and Mia Jovovich feed will come up, click on that,

[38:27] that's the screenplay Quentin Tarantino wrote.

[38:29] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[38:30] Is she, like, a winemaker's apprentice?

[38:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:34] It's just her stomping on grapes.

Dan McCoy

[38:36] That sounds like a Swedish softcore porn movie from the 70s.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] The winemaker's apprentice.

[38:40] The winemaker's apprentice.

[38:42] So, you know what?

[38:44] We've ragged a lot on this movie.

[38:45] Yeah, that's fair.

[38:46] It's not very funny or very good.

[38:47] But, and it feels like someone spent way too much money and that hurts the film in the

[38:54] long run.

[38:55] And we don't even need to get into the ending where everyone uses their magic model look

[38:58] powers to stop a bomb from falling into lava.

[39:01] In the longest climax scene of any movie I've ever seen, where every character gets multiple

[39:07] jokes one after another.

[39:08] And there's just, like, twist reveal after twist reveal.

[39:11] Right.

[39:11] And much of the...

[39:12] It's a very diminishing.

Dan McCoy

[39:12] But also after all these non-actor fashion icons get their individual jokes and reaction

[39:21] shots.

[39:22] Over and over again.

[39:23] And it's like, cut to them.

[39:24] Cut to someone reacting.

[39:26] Cut to their face.

Elliott Kalan

[39:27] I mean, it's provided the service to me of...

[39:28] Who is this movie for?

[39:30] It did the service to me of showing me something I never knew, which is that Tommy Hilfiger looks

[39:34] like Andrew Lloyd Webber.

[39:36] Okay.

[39:37] Yeah.

[39:37] I mean, this movie's gonna put it on the DVD case, I guess.

[39:42] Was that the fellow's tan who you were insulting?

[39:46] No, no.

[39:46] That, I don't know who that was.

[39:48] Okay.

[39:48] There's some Italian fashion person who appears the ending...

[39:50] Valentino.

[39:51] Was that Valentino?

[39:52] Rudy Valentino?

Dan McCoy

[39:53] That's what someone said at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[39:55] Is that his name?

[39:56] Yeah.

[39:56] And he looks like he stood way too close to a microwave in a 7-Eleven.

[39:59] He looks like a real leather man.

[40:00] Yeah.

[40:01] He's just tanned too much.

[40:02] It's not a real looking tan.

[40:04] Stuart, we kept cutting you off.

[40:05] What were you gonna say?

[40:06] Before...

[40:06] Oh, I wanted to get to the good part of the movie.

[40:08] All right.

[40:08] Do you want to say something, Stuart?

[40:09] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:10] I guess...

[40:11] Yeah, guys.

[40:13] So I've had a pretty good week so far.

[40:16] Oh, okay.

[40:17] You know what?

[40:17] Forget it.

[40:17] Seems sad.

[40:18] Whatever this is going to be.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] I think we can all agree there was one shining moment, one shining star in the movie that

[40:24] there was...

[40:25] Or maybe I'm speaking too much.

[40:26] There was one character...

[40:26] You know, I've been working a lot, but it's been okay.

[40:28] It's been fun.

[40:29] There was one character in the movie I found genuinely funny, and the guy performing it

[40:34] I thought was genuinely really funny.

Stuart Wellington

[40:36] You're talking about Kyle Mooney, who's on Saturday Night Live right now.

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] He's a character named Don Atari, who is supposed to be like the new hot designer, but he's

[40:44] a very...

[40:45] Too much of a hipster.

[40:46] He's an ironic hipster.

Dan McCoy

[40:47] He's a bro-y ironic hipster, though.

Elliott Kalan

[40:49] He's a bro-y...

[40:49] Which exists.

[40:50] Yeah.

[40:51] I've met him.

[40:52] But like the...

[40:53] And so he does...

[40:54] It's a lot of like...

[40:56] Oh, this...

[40:56] Like he has a tattoo.

[40:57] He goes, check out this guy.

[40:59] He's the worst tattoo artist.

[41:00] I love it.

[41:00] He has the stupidest tattoos.

[41:01] They're so shitty.

[41:02] I put it on my body.

[41:03] Look at what he did on my arm.

[41:04] And it's a tattoo of like...

[41:06] What was it?

[41:07] It was like Colonel Sanders as Obi-Wan Kenobi with...

Stuart Wellington

[41:10] With a cloak made...

[41:11] With pot leaves on it.

[41:13] And he's saying, where's the beam?

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] And he's like, I hate it.

[41:17] Why would I do that to my own body?

[41:18] I got it after my grandpa's funeral.

[41:20] It's terrible.

[41:20] I love it.

[41:21] So like that character, he pulls off so well.

[41:24] Where he's just like, you guys are so stupid.

[41:27] I love it.

[41:28] You're terrible.

[41:28] It's great.

[41:29] I love that.

[41:29] You're so lame.

Dan McCoy

[41:30] There's like a weird honesty to his performance.

[41:33] Like everyone else is doing these big, broad performances.

[41:36] And it's not like...

[41:38] Like in a better movie, it's not like they wouldn't be funny.

[41:40] But like he's committed to it on a human level.

[41:43] In a way that they are.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] It's very...

[41:44] He's underplaying that character.

Stuart Wellington

[41:46] If he was like, whoa, you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[41:49] Oh.

[41:50] It wouldn't work.

[41:50] Instead, he's like, hey, I love it.

[41:52] It's stupid.

[41:53] But yeah, but like it's the worst.

[41:54] It's great.

[41:55] But he does it like...

[41:56] He just underplays it in a way that's very funny.

Stuart Wellington

[41:58] And it's a character that you haven't really seen before.

[42:02] Yeah.

[42:03] Not in this type of a comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] Not in this type of a comedy.

[42:05] And also like of all...

[42:07] It was like the only character...

[42:08] That's a point I hadn't realized until you said that.

[42:11] It's the only character in the whole movie where I'm like, okay, I've seen that person

[42:14] existing in real life.

[42:16] Oh, okay.

[42:16] Like you're poking fun at a real human being that I've seen and met.

[42:20] Yeah.

[42:20] Whereas like this...

[42:22] All this fashion stuff is itself based around a fake image that other people project.

Stuart Wellington

[42:27] Yeah.

[42:27] I mean, his like weird fast talking accent with like bits of slang tossed in there is kind

[42:33] of how my little brother talks.

[42:36] Love you, bro.

[42:37] Love you, Andrew.

[42:38] I want to meet this guy.

[42:40] But I met him at my wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] He wants to meet him again.

[42:43] Oh, yeah.

[42:43] I forgot.

[42:44] But this guy like...

[42:46] You forgot right after your wedding, Dan was hit by a series of coconuts.

[42:50] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[42:50] A series of coconuts.

[42:52] A series of unfortunate coconuts.

[42:56] But no, this character like...

[42:58] He also gets like a send-off line that we like genuinely laugh for about a minute at.

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] It was really funny, yeah.

[43:03] It was pretty funny.

[43:03] He is...

Dan McCoy

[43:05] About to get his neck snapped by Will Ferrell.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] By Will Ferrell.

[43:08] Will Ferrell.

[43:09] And in a very quick cut, he's like, I should tell you...

[43:13] What was it?

[43:13] He's saying like, I should tell you I love everything and everybody really...

[43:16] Really deep.

[43:16] Really truly.

Dan McCoy

[43:17] And then he snaps his neck.

[43:19] It's like the moment because like...

Elliott Kalan

[43:20] He drops his ironic facade.

[43:22] But even because like that's a part of that ironic hipster world now is a very intense forced sincerity.

[43:30] Yeah.

[43:30] Like navigating between this very like ironic love of crap and also being like, hey, I love you.

[43:39] I'm emotionally vulnerable right now.

[43:40] It's awesome.

[43:41] Like that was the one character movie where I'm like, you're satirizing a real thing that I've seen.

[43:45] Yeah.

[43:46] As opposed to like...

[43:47] What are you satirizing?

[43:48] You're satirizing a fantasy world.

Stuart Wellington

[43:51] Like it would be like satirizing...

[43:54] Maybe if we watched more like...

[43:57] What's that show with Tim Gunn on it?

[44:00] Project Runaway?

[44:01] Yeah.

[44:01] If we watched a shitload of Project Runway.

[44:03] Peter Gunn.

[44:04] Tim Gunn is Peter Gunn.

[44:05] James Gunn's brother?

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] It would be like...

[44:09] Treasure James Gunn.

[44:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[44:10] The Peter Gunn's TV show.

[44:12] Great theme song.

[44:13] But it would be like satirizing like children's imaginary play with imaginary friends where you're like, this is...

[44:21] You know this is not like a real thing.

[44:22] Like a satire about imaginary friends.

[44:25] You're like, I finally take the piss out of these imaginary friends.

[44:28] You know these are not real people you're satirizing, right?

[44:31] But whereas that guy, it was like, okay, this is a closely observed thing, you know?

[44:36] And he performs it really well.

[44:37] So I'm ready for the sequel about that guy.

[44:40] I assume it would be a prequel that shows how he got to that point.

[44:43] Because nothing in the world can exist without a minutely described backstory.

[44:48] Wow, Elliot.

[44:49] Taking it to Star Wars right now.

[44:52] I'm not even thinking about Star Wars necessarily.

[44:54] But like everything, you know.

[44:57] Everything needs it.

[44:58] It's going to be okay, all right?

[44:58] You don't want to...

[44:59] It's not going to be okay, Dan.

[45:00] You seem really...

[45:01] It's not going to be okay.

[45:02] All right.

[45:03] Elliot, we are...

[45:03] Come here, little boy.

[45:04] Not until we make my Karate Kid prequel, Karate Baby.

Stuart Wellington

[45:07] Elliot wants to be an explorer.

[45:09] He wants there to be empty spots on the map to find.

[45:12] He doesn't want it to be all filled out.

Elliott Kalan

[45:13] Look, there's a reason that nobody liked Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina.

[45:18] Because I don't need to know how Momon Nadan got to the Mos Eisley Cantina.

[45:22] Which one's that?

[45:23] That's the guy who's got...

[45:25] He's one of the last alien you see in the whole quick cut thing.

[45:29] And he's got that long, flat, brown head.

[45:31] He's the Hammerhead.

[45:32] Hammerhead, yeah.

[45:33] Sure.

[45:34] As in the overkill song of the same name.

[45:37] Sure.

[45:37] Okay.

[45:38] Okay, cool.

[45:40] Yes, Dan?

[45:41] I guess what we're saying is Zoolander 2, go watch that one guy's performance.

[45:45] But don't watch the rest of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[45:46] I checked, actually, his big scene is on YouTube.

[45:50] So just look that up.

[45:51] Oh, okay.

[45:52] Great.

[45:52] There you go.

[45:53] But now it's the time to make our final judgments about this movie.

[45:56] Whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[46:00] I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

[46:02] It's a bad, bad movie.

[46:05] Comedies are the hardest thing to watch when they don't work.

[46:08] And this one does not work for 98% of it.

[46:14] There's lots of good people in it.

[46:15] There's some jokes in it that I've lapped at.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] There's a few good jokes.

[46:19] There's lots of good people in it.

[46:21] They can't pull it off.

Stuart Wellington

[46:22] Yeah.

[46:22] I mean, I think this is a bad, bad movie.

[46:25] I think for the most part it's just kind of wrongheaded.

[46:28] And it feels, at the very least, it feels like it was made 10 years too late.

Elliott Kalan

[46:33] It's a movie that is wrongheaded and then keeps doubling down on that.

[46:37] And going further in the direction that you don't want it to go in.

Stuart Wellington

[46:39] There are some moments of strangeness.

[46:41] Like at the very end of the movie when Hansel meets up with his family and they talk about all being pregnant.

[46:51] And Kiefer Sutherland comes forward and he reveals that he is no longer pregnant.

[46:55] He lost the baby while kicking open a door in an earlier scene.

[47:00] And Kiefer Sutherland sells the performance so seriously that we were all sad for a minute because he was grappling with this loss.

[47:08] Kiefer Sutherland's miscarriage.

Elliott Kalan

[47:10] Which is presented as a joke.

[47:13] And on the face of it, the idea of Kiefer Sutherland, a man, the star of 24 and designated survivor, having a fetus inside of him which then dies.

[47:22] I guess those are his big credits.

[47:23] Is a, the cowboy way, sorry.

[47:26] Star of the cowboy way.

[47:27] It is absurd on the face of it.

[47:30] And yet, it does not come across as a humorous moment.

Dan McCoy

[47:35] Yeah.

[47:36] Turns out, chalk up miscarriage with coded trans person as things that aren't funny in this movie.

[47:45] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[47:45] So, yeah, bad, bad movie.

[47:47] They just didn't, look, they didn't know what they were doing.

[47:49] How could they?

Stuart Wellington

[47:49] You know, there were some celebrities that I was happy to see.

[47:52] The aforementioned Susan Sarandon.

[47:55] Susan Sarandon was okay for a moment.

[47:57] Christina Hendricks is in it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:59] But there's a scene where, with Katy Perry and Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[48:02] Oh my God.

[48:03] That is painful.

Stuart Wellington

[48:04] It is painful.

[48:06] Neil deGrasse Tyson has not seen a fucking camera that he doesn't go fucking ape shit over.

Elliott Kalan

[48:11] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[48:12] He's not Chuck Schumer.

[48:13] Let's not attack him, okay?

[48:15] Yeah, the guy likes screen time, sure.

[48:18] The movie is...

Dan McCoy

[48:18] I'm just imagining now, like, Neil deGrasse Tyson in, like, a 7-Eleven, like, just standing in front of the security cameras.

[48:25] Just being like, hey, you want me to say...

Stuart Wellington

[48:28] Well, it's not like it's...

[48:29] You want me to say anything about the cosmos?

[48:30] I will.

[48:31] It's not like he lost a fucking genie's curse or something.

Elliott Kalan

[48:35] Although the movie...

[48:36] That what made it so that he has to be in front of a camera every 72 hours or he ties?

[48:40] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[48:41] It follows, too.

[48:43] I mean, the movie literally ends with a shot of Neil deGrasse Tyson, and the joke is that he's in the movie, I guess.

[48:50] That he's doing the model face like in the movie.

[48:52] It's not a fucking joke.

[48:53] He'll be in any movie if you ask him to.

[48:55] Actually, you know what?

[48:56] He's like goddamn Ron Jeremy in horror movies.

Dan McCoy

[48:59] If you can go into the bathroom and say Neil deGrasse Tyson in the mirror three times, he'll appear right now.

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] He'll just show up.

[49:06] Go do it right now.

[49:08] Hold up your phone.

[49:09] Take a selfie.

[49:10] Look at Neil deGrasse Tyson in the background.

[49:12] Stop the slumber party.

Dan McCoy

[49:13] Yeah.

[49:15] Go in there.

[49:16] All of you young people who like to listen to the Flophouse at your slumber parties.

[49:20] Stop it, right?

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] Say Neil deGrasse Tyson three times, he's going to show up.

[49:23] The only way to get rid of him is to say Bloody Mary three times in the mirror.

[49:26] The only way to get rid of her is to say Candyman three times.

[49:28] Oh, man.

[49:29] After that, you're kind of on your own.

[49:30] No, you get Beetlejuice's help.

[49:32] Then you're on your own.

[49:34] But there's, I will give the movie this.

[49:37] It showed the self-restraint that though, yes, the movie did end with an end title sequence that has all the characters dancing.

[49:43] It did not have an end credit sequence that shows celebrities all over the world doing Derek Zoolander faces.

[49:50] Because it very could have easily ended in that.

[49:53] Just showing shots and footage of celebrities.

[49:55] And then who knows?

[49:56] Bibi Netanyahu.

[49:57] Vladimir Putin.

[49:59] Who knows?

[49:59] Malala.

[50:00] Like just doing Zoolander faces the camera, you know.

[50:04] Mm-hmm.

[50:04] They showed the restraint.

[50:05] Yeah, that's nice.

[50:06] They showed the restraint.

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:07] Otherwise, I would have drank myself to death by now.

[50:10] And I would be like one of those weasel ghosts at the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit participating on this podcast.

[50:15] Just cover it in poop and dissolve it.

[50:17] Which I think is the only possible end for the three of us is being three weasel ghosts.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Three weasel ghosts.

[50:25] Playing little harps.

[50:26] It's going to be so hard to play the harp with my straitjacket and the razor I'm holding on.

[50:30] That's the weasel you are?

[50:32] That's the weasel I always liked the most.

[50:34] Because when I was a kid, I always liked the crazy characters.

Dan McCoy

[50:35] Okay, that's cool.

[50:36] Now, of course, I'm already a cool gangster.

[50:39] The horny one?

[50:41] Is that one of them?

[50:42] Are you thinking of Pauly Shore?

[50:44] That's right.

Stuart Wellington

[50:45] I always kind of viewed Pauly Shore as like an asexual being.

[50:50] Maybe because he reproduces through budding?

Dan McCoy

[50:51] Yeah, I think so.

[50:53] Yeah, that's why he was in the biodome.

[50:55] He was being studied.

Elliott Kalan

[50:56] He was a new species, yeah.

[50:58] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[51:00] Going into a Bullseye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's

[51:09] also a real conversation, so I don't know where it's headed.

[51:13] I think you just clarified something for me that's never been really clear before.

[51:18] This is the most serious I've ever been in my life.

[51:20] You've made me completely serious.

[51:23] I feel like I'm in therapy.

[51:26] Bullseye.

[51:26] Creators you know, creators you need to know.

[51:29] Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

[51:33] So, now we move on to a few fine sponsors with fine products to hawk.

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] And I'll be doing them.

[51:43] I'll be doing all the sponsors.

[51:44] Yeah, sure.

[51:45] Why not?

[51:45] Get ready.

[51:45] Let's join the Sponsoredome.

[51:47] Switch it up.

Stuart Wellington

[51:47] Let me buckle my seatbelt.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] Buckle your seatbelt.

[51:51] We're about to enter the Sponsoredome Super Tunnel rocket shoot.

[51:56] First sponsor.

[51:57] Load it up.

[52:03] It's Black Tux.

[52:04] Looking great for a wedding or special event has never been easier with TheBlackTux.com.

[52:10] That's TheBlackTux.com with high quality rental suits and tuxedos delivered straight to your door.

[52:18] The Black Tux is giving guys a new way to rent.

[52:21] They italicized that in the copy.

[52:23] A new way to rent.

[52:25] That means it's extra new.

[52:26] Extra rental.

[52:27] And get this.

[52:28] The Black Tux offers free home try-on so you can see the fit, feel the quality of your suit months before your event.

[52:37] And then, if you like it, you rent it and they send it to you.

[52:40] The best part?

[52:41] It's completely done online.

[52:43] To get free shipping both ways, plus a free home try-on, visit TheBlackTux.com slash flop.

[52:52] I think there's a...

[52:53] Do not interrupt during the domain name.

[52:56] It is TheBlackTux.com slash flop for free shipping both ways and free home try-on.

Stuart Wellington

[53:02] I thought I was interrupting because we have a celebrity endorsement tonight, right, Dan?

[53:10] Which celebrity is endorsing Black Tux tonight, Dan?

[53:15] Well, this is clearly a pre-thought-out and written bit.

Elliott Kalan

[53:18] I've got a big, big expectations for this one.

[53:21] Dan, wow me with this set-up bit that you clearly have been working a long time on.

Dan McCoy

[53:27] It's me, Mario.

[53:29] Oh, he's back.

[53:30] When I'm going down into the sewers, I gotta wear my overalls.

[53:35] But that means when I'm on my off-the-clock, I like to wear fancy clothes.

Elliott Kalan

[53:40] When you're on, you're off-the-clock?

[53:43] When I'm...

Dan McCoy

[53:43] Yeah.

[53:44] When I'm on, I'm off-the-clock.

[53:46] Oh, I see.

[53:46] Because I'm Italian and I don't work very hard.

[53:49] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[53:50] This...

[53:51] Look, okay.

[53:51] This is not affiliated with TheBlackTux.com.

[53:57] What are you talking about?

[53:58] TheBlackTux.com is not standing by Dan's comment.

[54:02] So let's just say...

[54:03] But now you see why I'd interrupt you.

[54:05] Oh, of course I see.

[54:07] So that we could offend people.

[54:08] Yeah, I love that.

[54:09] That's great.

[54:10] Let's move on to the next sponsor, shall we?

[54:12] So TheBlackTux...

Stuart Wellington

[54:12] But I have a lot of more things to say.

Elliott Kalan

[54:14] No, you don't.

[54:16] So TheBlackTux.com for high-quality rental suits and tuxedos.

[54:20] Don't go to Men's Warehouse, where, as I mentioned, I think, in a previous episode,

[54:23] I had a really bad experience renting a tux, and I had to go there both ways.

[54:28] Instead, TheBlackTux.com.

[54:30] And we've got another sponsor.

[54:32] No kidding.

[54:33] This is another item of clothing that's got a color to it.

[54:35] But it's not a black tux.

[54:37] It's a blue apron.

[54:38] That's right, guys.

[54:39] Blue apron.

[54:41] We all know it.

[54:42] It's how you get fresh ingredients for fresh meals.

[54:45] And I mean fresh in the, like, 90s cool way.

[54:47] Straight to your home.

[54:49] They deliver you meals at your house.

[54:51] How often is it, Dan?

[54:52] You're a Blue Apron subscriber, right?

Dan McCoy

[54:55] It's once a week if you...

[54:58] I mean, that's...

[54:58] I think that you probably could have other things, but I think it's just once a week.

[55:03] It's once a week.

[55:04] Anyway.

[55:04] Why are you looking at me and not your phone?

[55:06] I mean, I got it once a week.

[55:08] I just didn't want to definitively say that no one else could get it.

[55:10] Okay, you know what?

[55:11] Let me steer the boat back to me.

[55:13] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[55:13] He's getting worked up.

[55:15] We need to get him some chicken soup or something.

[55:17] Well, let's do it through Blue Apron.

[55:18] He's probably overtired.

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] Because let me tell you, our great nation was found on the principle that all men are created equal, which is true.

[55:23] But not all ingredients were created equal.

[55:26] Check the Constitution.

[55:27] It's not in there.

[55:28] Okay.

[55:28] And so fresh...

[55:30] Or the Declaration of Independence.

[55:31] And so fresh, high-quality ingredients make a real difference.

[55:35] That's where Blue Apron comes in.

[55:37] For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[55:46] Dan, what was the last Blue Apron meal you had?

[55:49] It had some pork in it.

[55:52] Okay.

[55:53] I've learned now three times not to try to include Dan in the sponsor spot.

[55:57] I don't know why I keep going back to this poisoned well that someone probably threw a corpse into.

[56:02] And that's why the water is not so good to taste.

[56:06] So, all here's what to remember.

[56:08] Blue Apron.

[56:08] Why are you talking about the well?

[56:10] Well, who would better?

[56:10] He goes down pipes all the time.

[56:12] You're right.

[56:12] He's a plumber.

[56:13] For less than $10 per person per meal, you get fresh ingredients proportioned for that meal, so you don't have extras.

[56:19] You don't have to worry about measuring stuff.

[56:21] It's my least favorite part of cooking, the measuring.

[56:24] Actually, my first least favorite part is waiting for it to finish.

[56:27] Second is the measuring.

[56:29] There's all sorts of different stuff.

[56:30] You can do the hungry boy.

[56:31] Yeah, because I'm so hungry.

[56:35] And my tummy hoits.

[56:36] You choose from a variety of new recipes every week.

[56:39] It's flexible.

[56:40] You can customize it for whenever you want it.

[56:42] It's easy.

[56:43] It comes with step-by-step instructions.

[56:45] It's guaranteed that it's going to be fresh.

[56:47] They've got a lot of amazing meals coming up.

[56:50] And here's the thing that you should do.

[56:52] Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[56:59] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[57:02] First three meals free with free shipping.

[57:05] Blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[57:08] Blue apron.

[57:09] If you're going to trust a color of apron, make it blue.

[57:12] That's a new slogan that I've created for them.

Dan McCoy

[57:14] It's a me, Wario.

[57:16] Oh, wow.

[57:17] I hate a blue apron, but you shouldn't listen to me because I'm a villain character who's much like a bizarro Mario.

[57:24] Or like a Waluigi.

[57:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:28] A Waluigi?

[57:29] Yeah, there's Waluigi.

[57:30] He's like a Wario version of Luigi.

[57:32] I didn't know that.

[57:33] Is there like a Woshi?

[57:36] What about a Wode for Toad?

[57:39] I don't know these answers.

[57:41] What about a Wau Rinsess Wau Beach?

[57:43] What I would recommend doing is go onto DeviantArt and look up Wau Ode and Wau, what do you say?

[57:51] Koopa Troopa?

[57:51] What were you saying?

[57:53] A Wau Rinsess Wau Beach.

[57:56] Do all those things.

[57:57] A Wau Wowser.

[57:59] A Wau Wau Wa Wa Troopa.

[58:00] I will say there's a weird amount of, I guess not weird, probably a normal,

[58:05] Keep in mind it is called DeviantArt.

[58:07] Yeah, in the world on the internet, there's a lot of interesting pornography featuring the characters we were just talking about.

Dan McCoy

[58:15] Yeah, so think of that when you get your blue apron meals.

Elliott Kalan

[58:20] Yeah, try to swallow it down as you think about Wario, Mario, Luigi, and all the rest having sex with each other.

[58:27] Dan, what else do we have?

[58:29] Oh, we got a Jumbotron.

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] Jumbotron messages?

[58:32] Jumbotron time.

[58:33] Jumbotron.

[58:35] Hey guys.

[58:37] This collection of comedy sketches, written by Richard Jensen, are guaranteed to bring a smile to geeks and non-geeks alike.

[58:45] In these sketches you'll meet a demon from hell who can't buy a soul to save his own,

[58:51] a restaurant patron who uses modern technology to destroy a way, to destroy a way too happy couple.

[58:58] Oh, okay.

[58:59] Okay, wait a minute guys.

[59:00] Stop messing with me.

[59:01] I'm trying to read this copy.

[59:03] Yeah, sorry, that was my fault.

[59:04] Okay.

[59:05] A restaurant patron.

[59:06] Elliot flashed his breasts at Stuart.

[59:09] It was very distracting.

[59:10] Yeah, it was straight out of repossessed.

[59:12] Yeah, I pulled a real South Beach Academy on you.

[59:15] A restaurant patron who uses modern technology to destroy a way too happy couple who are ruining his meal.

[59:22] Friends who debate the effects of favorite movies on president politics.

[59:26] A woman who is way too fond of Jar Jar Binks.

[59:30] And many others.

[59:31] Fun for geeks and non-geeks alike.

[59:34] So are you a geek who likes to laugh?

[59:36] Richard Jensen's e-book of comedy sketches, Tales of the Geek Nation, is on sale at iTunes and Barnes & Noble.

Dan McCoy

[59:46] Barnes & Noble you say?

[59:47] Mm-hmm.

[59:49] Salino and Barnes & Noble.

[59:51] They're lawyers who sell books.

[59:53] Yeah, so check it out guys.

[59:54] Check that out.

[59:55] But now we move on to our next segment.

[1:00:00] Our penultimate segment you might say.

[1:00:03] Letters from listeners.

[1:00:05] It's a playing that we do that allows you to interact with us.

[1:00:12] The Flophouse.

[1:00:13] Stretch it out.

[1:00:15] The first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:17] Sometimes there's one segment and there's still another segment after that.

[1:00:23] It's called Penultimate.

[1:00:25] Ultimate is not what this segment is, but penultimate.

[1:00:29] Is it the ultimate pen?

[1:00:31] No.

[1:00:33] That's not what that word means.

[1:00:35] But if you have a good pen, hold it close.

[1:00:39] Write with it every day of your life.

[1:00:41] Because a good pen is worth its weight in ink?

[1:00:46] I think so.

[1:00:47] The penultimate segment of the show.

[1:00:50] After this it's just one more segment.

[1:00:53] Left to go.

[1:00:53] So embrace us.

[1:00:55] And cherish these moments with us.

[1:00:57] Because it won't be forever.

[1:01:00] That we'll be with you.

[1:01:02] And then someday it'll be never.

[1:01:04] Because we'll be dead in the ground.

[1:01:07] But our words will live on all around.

[1:01:10] We'll have inspired a generation.

[1:01:13] And then another generation.

[1:01:15] After that.

[1:01:16] And another.

[1:01:19] Until the Flap House is the single most important thing in the history of human civilization.

[1:01:25] Across every entire nation.

[1:01:29] And we'll destroy you.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:32] Stuart.

[1:01:32] Would you like to explain the.

[1:01:34] Took a dark turn.

[1:01:35] Would you like to explain the artwork that you put in front of me.

[1:01:38] Yeah.

[1:01:38] I'm just Googling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:39] I'm Googling them Roger Rabbit weasels.

[1:01:41] Thank you for calling that singing.

[1:01:43] Yeah.

[1:01:43] I thought you were going to say caterwalling.

[1:01:45] Yeah.

[1:01:46] I found a picture that features.

[1:01:48] It looks like a Humpty Dumpty egg that is Roger Rabbit.

[1:01:52] Surrounded by a bunch of Sonic the Hedgehog style characters and Pokemons.

[1:01:56] It looks like it was colored with a colored pencil.

[1:01:59] A coloring pencil.

[1:02:00] That's what we call it.

[1:02:01] Sure.

[1:02:01] It is for coloring.

[1:02:02] When I was in my house we call it coloring pencils.

[1:02:05] But it looks like it was made with colored pencils.

[1:02:07] So I like that like hands on approach.

[1:02:09] As opposed to all these digital effects nowadays.

[1:02:11] Yeah.

[1:02:12] Yeah.

[1:02:12] Sure.

[1:02:12] So I'm trying something.

[1:02:13] Hey guys.

[1:02:14] That last song.

[1:02:15] Oh gosh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:15] It got a little harsh.

[1:02:17] A little rough.

[1:02:18] A little too tough.

[1:02:20] And I think it was enough.

[1:02:21] And this song is here to apologize for the roughness and toughness.

[1:02:26] Enoughness.

[1:02:27] The gruffness of that last song.

[1:02:29] It was also too long.

[1:02:31] I think we agree that that's the case.

[1:02:34] Maybe we'll try to make some more space next time for the rest of the show.

[1:02:39] By having less singing.

[1:02:42] Let's ring a ding ding ding.

[1:02:44] Let's clangity clanging.

[1:02:47] You know.

[1:02:47] To this bit.

[1:02:48] Let's let it go.

[1:02:50] Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:50] Let it go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:52] Let it go.

[1:02:53] Let's go on and on with the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:56] So Elliot.

[1:02:57] The song never bothered me anyway.

[1:03:00] At work the other day.

[1:03:01] Your friend and mine.

[1:03:03] Lauren Sarver.

[1:03:04] Wonderful person.

[1:03:05] Wonderful comedy writer.

[1:03:07] Enslaved to a dog.

[1:03:08] Pulled out.

[1:03:08] She has a dog that she.

[1:03:10] That bosses her around.

[1:03:11] Yes.

[1:03:12] Pulled out her iPhone.

[1:03:13] And showed me a podcast.

[1:03:15] That her friend was doing.

[1:03:17] And pointed to the runtime of the show.

[1:03:19] And was like.

[1:03:20] This is too long.

[1:03:21] Right.

[1:03:22] And it was an hour and 45 minutes.

[1:03:24] Uh oh.

[1:03:25] And I pulled at my.

[1:03:27] Collar of my shirt.

[1:03:28] Comically.

[1:03:29] And went.

[1:03:29] Uh oh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:30] You closed the browser you were looking at.

[1:03:33] Because it was underwatersex.com.

[1:03:35] Which now redirects to the Flophouse.

[1:03:37] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:39] For being a friend.

[1:03:41] Travel down the road.

[1:03:42] And buy us domain names.

[1:03:44] Your heart is true.

[1:03:46] Thanks for buying underwatersex.com.

[1:03:49] So Dan.

[1:03:50] What do we do now?

[1:03:51] And if you threw some underwater sex.

[1:03:53] We probably wouldn't show up.

[1:03:57] I'm sorry it's weird.

[1:03:59] And it doesn't work as well as you think it would.

[1:04:01] But thanks for inviting us.

[1:04:02] So if you're wondering how to unsubscribe.

[1:04:04] It's really easy.

[1:04:06] Just tell.

[1:04:07] Just say Siri.

[1:04:08] Just take your phone.

[1:04:09] And throw it in a big bucket of acid.

[1:04:12] Say Alexa.

[1:04:14] Shut it down.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:16] And then Alexa comes.

[1:04:18] We all have like little red laser dots on our chest.

[1:04:21] Uh.

[1:04:22] All right.

[1:04:24] So I'm trying something a little different.

[1:04:25] For this episode of Letters.

[1:04:28] More singing?

[1:04:28] No.

[1:04:29] No.

[1:04:29] It's uh.

[1:04:30] I have five letters here.

[1:04:31] But they're all one paragraph wonders.

[1:04:35] They're all very short letters.

[1:04:38] So uh.

[1:04:39] It's just a little experiment.

[1:04:40] Oh yeah.

[1:04:40] We're just changing up.

[1:04:41] We're fun around here.

[1:04:42] Yeah.

[1:04:42] We're really breaking.

[1:04:43] Breaking the mold.

[1:04:44] This one.

[1:04:45] This one.

[1:04:45] Eric.

[1:04:46] Last name.

[1:04:46] We're really.

[1:04:47] We're revolutionaries.

[1:04:48] Eric Idle.

[1:04:48] I'm sure.

[1:04:49] I really.

[1:04:50] We watched.

[1:04:50] I recently rewatched.

[1:04:52] I really rewatched.

[1:04:54] Can we rewrack the letter?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:55] This.

[1:04:55] So is it that because the letter's so short you had to get that mispronunciation in and

[1:05:00] the misread as early as I could.

[1:05:01] As fast as I could.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:02] I recently rewatched Phantasm and it still held up.

[1:05:06] But I was struck by how weird it was.

[1:05:09] On paper you can't describe it.

[1:05:10] A tall undertaker from another dimension uses embalming techniques to transform dead bodies

[1:05:15] into diminutive slaves and also their shiny murder balls.

[1:05:18] Looks like you just described it perfectly.

[1:05:21] But it somehow works.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:22] And eventually in the series a quad shotgun.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:24] So two questions.

[1:05:25] First what makes Phantasm.

[1:05:26] Very shortly.

[1:05:27] So two questions.

[1:05:28] First what makes Phantasm so effective?

[1:05:30] And second are there any other movies that make no sense on paper but work really well

[1:05:35] in practice?

[1:05:36] Thanks Eric.

[1:05:37] Last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:38] I mean what makes it work for me is that it establishes a dreamlike atmosphere.

[1:05:44] Yep.

[1:05:44] It feels like a child's nightmare.

[1:05:46] Yep.

[1:05:46] And that's why certain types of logic don't need to always apply in it and why things that

[1:05:52] aren't fully explained work for me.

[1:05:54] It feels like a dream.

[1:05:56] And it drives like a dream too.

[1:05:58] Oh yeah.

[1:05:59] Listen to that.

[1:06:00] You can barely hear it.

[1:06:00] Listen to that honey purr.

[1:06:01] Oh come on.

[1:06:02] Feel that vibration in the seat?

[1:06:03] Barely.

[1:06:04] You're going 100 miles per hour right now you didn't realize it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:06] There's things in it that you don't see in other horror movies.

[1:06:10] Like these weird ass floating silver balls.

[1:06:12] Yeah.

[1:06:13] And the fact that the movie has basically two locations and it defines them I think really

[1:06:19] well.

[1:06:20] They're both dreamlike but at the same time like.

[1:06:23] Yeah.

[1:06:24] There's a sense of.

[1:06:24] Their house and the cemetery.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:27] And real defined space.

[1:06:28] Yeah.

[1:06:28] You know that's something you look for often in a movie Stuart.

[1:06:30] Yeah.

[1:06:31] It's a sense of real defined physical space.

[1:06:33] And they do an amazing job of that with those locations.

[1:06:36] And it's like.

[1:06:37] And it's.

[1:06:39] It's a short movie.

[1:06:40] Like there's no.

[1:06:41] There's no wasted time in it at all.

[1:06:43] Nope.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:44] Full killer.

[1:06:45] No filler.

[1:06:46] So.

[1:06:47] Other movies.

[1:06:47] And some fill a stiller.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:49] Really?

[1:06:49] Every now and then.

[1:06:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:51] Okay.

[1:06:51] So.

[1:06:52] Every now and then.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:53] I'm surprised you didn't notice those.

[1:06:55] You've seen the movie a lot of times.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:57] I look at my phone a lot.

[1:07:00] So movies that work on.

[1:07:02] That work.

[1:07:03] Don't work on paper.

[1:07:03] See.

[1:07:04] Dan mentioned this question to us earlier.

[1:07:07] And I misunderstood it to me in movies that.

[1:07:09] Have like a kind of gaping plot hole.

[1:07:11] But still work.

[1:07:12] And the one that came to my mind was.

[1:07:14] Planet of the Apes.

[1:07:15] In which Charlton Heston takes two hours.

[1:07:17] And the Statue of Liberty to realize he was on earth.

[1:07:19] Even though he's been speaking English.

[1:07:20] The entire movie.

[1:07:22] With apes that speak English.

[1:07:23] American English.

[1:07:24] With a.

[1:07:25] With a mixture of American and British accents.

[1:07:28] And there's no point where he's like.

[1:07:29] It's really weird that.

[1:07:30] It's weird enough that on this planet.

[1:07:32] Apes and humans evolved.

[1:07:33] Even if they evolved in this divergent path.

[1:07:35] Where apes are superior to humans.

[1:07:37] But that the English language.

[1:07:39] Exactly as I speak it.

[1:07:41] Arose independently on this planet.

[1:07:44] The odds are crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:45] Maybe he got like a babble fish.

[1:07:46] Stuck in his ear or something.

[1:07:48] Possible.

[1:07:48] Yeah.

[1:07:48] I mean they do land in a lake.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:49] Maybe a babble fish got stuck in his ear.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:53] You know.

[1:07:53] For me.

[1:07:54] When I was thinking about this.

[1:07:55] I was thinking about movies that.

[1:07:57] That kind of rely on.

[1:07:59] The general charm of the characters.

[1:08:01] So things like.

[1:08:03] The.

[1:08:03] Like Magic Mike XXL.

[1:08:05] Or.

[1:08:07] Or even.

[1:08:09] Like Everybody Wants Some.

[1:08:10] The.

[1:08:11] The movie that.

[1:08:12] From this past year.

[1:08:12] The Richard Linklater one.

[1:08:13] Yeah.

[1:08:13] Which I loved.

[1:08:14] But they're.

[1:08:14] Those are both movies.

[1:08:16] That like.

[1:08:17] Not a lot really happens.

[1:08:18] There's not much plot.

[1:08:19] And so much of it is driven by.

[1:08:21] The fact that you're like.

[1:08:22] Oh.

[1:08:22] I just like spending time with these characters.

[1:08:24] They're fun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:24] Yeah.

[1:08:25] I mean.

[1:08:25] My Dinner with Andre.

[1:08:26] Is a movie that.

[1:08:27] On paper.

[1:08:28] Does not work.

[1:08:29] It's just two guys.

[1:08:30] In a restaurant.

[1:08:31] Having dinner.

[1:08:31] And talking about whatever.

[1:08:33] But like.

[1:08:34] It's a really engrossing movie.

[1:08:36] And like.

[1:08:37] You.

[1:08:37] When you're watching it.

[1:08:38] You're like.

[1:08:38] Oh.

[1:08:38] This is directed by a director.

[1:08:39] Who knows how to build.

[1:08:41] Dramatic tension.

[1:08:42] Out of two guys talking at a table.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:44] Like.

[1:08:44] This is a really good movie.

[1:08:46] What are you going to say Dan.

[1:08:47] Are you going to say something like.

[1:08:48] E.T.

[1:08:48] Doesn't work.

[1:08:49] Because aliens don't exist.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:50] In Raiders.

[1:08:52] Jindy doesn't need to be there.

[1:08:54] So.

[1:08:55] I.

[1:08:55] Professor.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] Even though I got this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:59] Ting tang.

[1:09:00] Walla.

[1:09:00] Bing bang.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:01] Even though I got this question.

[1:09:02] Early.

[1:09:03] And.

[1:09:04] Had plenty of time to think about it.

[1:09:06] I.

[1:09:07] Can't come up with anything.

[1:09:08] So I'm just going to say.

[1:09:08] Tango and cash.

[1:09:10] Okay.

[1:09:10] Sure.

[1:09:10] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:11] There's also the two special F's.

[1:09:12] Two movies.

[1:09:13] I have a special fondness for.

[1:09:15] That.

[1:09:15] Other people have.

[1:09:16] Varied mileage.

[1:09:17] With.

[1:09:18] The fall.

[1:09:18] And the fountain.

[1:09:19] Are both movies that.

[1:09:21] On paper.

[1:09:21] Are incredibly hard to explain.

[1:09:24] But the effect when I watch them.

[1:09:26] Is very powerful to me.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:27] There's movies too.

[1:09:29] Have.

[1:09:30] Twists that.

[1:09:33] I.

[1:09:33] And shouts.

[1:09:35] Twists that people like.

[1:09:36] Have a problem with.

[1:09:37] But I don't have a problem with.

[1:09:38] And I think work inspire themselves.

[1:09:40] Like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:40] Like that.

[1:09:41] Like that Steven Soderbergh movie.

[1:09:42] About the drug.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:44] Oh yeah.

[1:09:44] I haven't seen that one.

[1:09:46] That one.

[1:09:47] Yeah.

[1:09:47] You can spoil it.

[1:09:48] Contagion.

[1:09:48] Was that.

[1:09:49] Not Contagion.

[1:09:50] Contagion is a good movie.

[1:09:51] Side effects.

[1:09:52] Side effects.

[1:09:53] That has a twist in it.

[1:09:54] That did not work for me.

[1:09:56] But no.

[1:09:57] Like the prestige.

[1:09:58] Like the end of that.

[1:09:59] Where it turns out to be.

[1:10:00] Like a science fiction.

[1:10:01] Yeah.

[1:10:02] Explanation.

[1:10:02] Like.

[1:10:03] A lot of people.

[1:10:04] Lose that movie.

[1:10:05] At that point.

[1:10:06] But I feel like.

[1:10:08] It.

[1:10:08] David Bowie's there dude.

[1:10:09] But it really.

[1:10:10] Like it underlines.

[1:10:12] I think that.

[1:10:12] Makes the movie deeper.

[1:10:13] Because it underlines.

[1:10:14] The theme of the movie.

[1:10:15] That character being.

[1:10:16] So committed.

[1:10:17] To.

[1:10:19] To.

[1:10:19] Both.

[1:10:20] Like.

[1:10:21] Both undoing.

[1:10:22] The other character.

[1:10:23] And his art form.

[1:10:24] That he's willing to literally.

[1:10:25] Die on stage.

[1:10:26] Every night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:27] And in addition.

[1:10:28] The one of the themes.

[1:10:28] That the movie is building.

[1:10:30] Along it.

[1:10:30] Is that.

[1:10:31] Magic is only enjoyable.

[1:10:32] When you know.

[1:10:33] It's not real.

[1:10:34] And when.

[1:10:34] When.

[1:10:35] When the earth.

[1:10:36] Returns back to its normal state.

[1:10:37] Afterwards.

[1:10:38] And that if the magician.

[1:10:39] Could actually.

[1:10:40] Accomplish those things.

[1:10:41] In reality.

[1:10:42] It would be terrifying.

[1:10:43] Yeah.

[1:10:44] It would be horrifying.

[1:10:44] And.

[1:10:45] And.

[1:10:47] Terrible.

[1:10:47] If a human being.

[1:10:48] Had those powers.

[1:10:49] A magic show.

[1:10:50] Is only enjoyable.

[1:10:51] Because.

[1:10:51] You know.

[1:10:52] You're being tricked.

[1:10:53] And.

[1:10:53] That means it's okay.

[1:10:54] You're not watching a wizard.

[1:10:56] Or someone with.

[1:10:57] With super science.

[1:10:58] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:58] The speech you just delivered.

[1:10:59] Would have sounded great.

[1:11:00] Coming out of Michael Caine.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:03] I just thought of another one.

[1:11:05] I think he says something similar to that.

[1:11:07] I really like the movie.

[1:11:08] The Phantom of the Paradise.

[1:11:09] And I think that.

[1:11:10] Like.

[1:11:10] Sort of a gonzo.

[1:11:11] Rock and roll.

[1:11:12] Retelling.

[1:11:12] Of Phantom of the Opera.

[1:11:13] Sounds terrible.

[1:11:15] But it manages to work in the.

[1:11:16] In the.

[1:11:17] Filmmaking.

[1:11:17] I mean.

[1:11:17] I thought Gonzo was weird casting.

[1:11:19] But he really pulls it off.

[1:11:21] Or something like.

[1:11:22] It's me.

[1:11:23] The Phantom of the Paradise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:24] Or something like.

[1:11:25] Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[1:11:26] Yeah.

[1:11:26] Just sounds so strange.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:27] That doesn't work on paper.

[1:11:29] At all.

[1:11:30] But it casts a spell.

[1:11:32] Yeah.

[1:11:33] Yeah.

[1:11:33] I agree.

[1:11:34] When I was younger.

[1:11:34] I remember watching Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[1:11:36] And being like.

[1:11:36] I don't believe someone wrote this.

[1:11:38] Yeah.

[1:11:38] Like there's songs in it.

[1:11:39] So it must have been written.

[1:11:41] But it's so crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:42] Yeah.

[1:11:42] And it gets crazier.

[1:11:43] As it goes along too.

[1:11:44] Like it starts with like.

[1:11:45] One foot in grounded reality.

[1:11:47] And then just by the end.

[1:11:48] You're like.

[1:11:49] What is.

[1:11:49] Am I.

[1:11:50] It loses.

[1:11:51] Am I taking drugs?

[1:11:53] I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:53] By the point when they're all in bustiers.

[1:11:55] Swimming in the pool.

[1:11:56] It really loses me.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:57] Oh yeah.

[1:11:57] I'm like.

[1:11:58] I don't know what's going on in this movie.

[1:11:59] I think that that kind of works.

[1:12:00] Because it's supposed to be like.

[1:12:02] A late night.

[1:12:03] Like back of a double bill.

[1:12:04] Science fiction show.

[1:12:05] So it.

[1:12:06] Recreates that feeling of.

[1:12:08] Like as the night goes on.

[1:12:09] And you get sleepier.

[1:12:11] You're not really sure.

[1:12:12] What you're.

[1:12:13] Actually seeing.

[1:12:14] Okay.

[1:12:14] That's fair.

[1:12:15] I can see that.

[1:12:16] Anyway.

[1:12:17] So the next question.

[1:12:19] Is.

[1:12:20] Titled.

[1:12:20] Dan is amazing.

[1:12:21] And a question about Dune.

[1:12:23] So Dan wrote this one.

[1:12:25] Since Dan's been asking me.

[1:12:26] A lot of questions about Dune lately.

[1:12:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:28] Why don't you just write this.

[1:12:30] To fucking Tom Brokaw.

[1:12:32] It's from Ryan.

[1:12:33] He's the one who knows it.

[1:12:34] Yeah.

[1:12:34] It's Ryan withheld.

[1:12:35] Ryan Johnson.

[1:12:36] Director of Star Wars Episode 8.

[1:12:38] Big fan.

[1:12:39] You guys are.

[1:12:39] I'm a huge fan of his.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:40] You guys are the best.

[1:12:41] Especially you Dan.

[1:12:42] I do have a question regarding Dune.

[1:12:44] Is it worth it?

[1:12:45] I haven't read the books.

[1:12:47] Or seen the movie.

[1:12:48] But it seems up my alley.

[1:12:49] Since you guys like it.

[1:12:50] Anyways.

[1:12:51] Keep doing what you're doing.

[1:12:52] I think you did write this letter Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] Are you just trying to get us to answer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:56] Whether or not we like the books Dune.

[1:12:58] I mean.

[1:12:59] The movie.

[1:13:00] If you're watching it.

[1:13:01] Not for plot.

[1:13:02] But just for crazy visuals.

[1:13:04] Is.

[1:13:04] Is worth it.

[1:13:05] I mean.

[1:13:05] I like it a lot.

[1:13:06] But I kind of grew up with it.

[1:13:07] So it's hard to.

[1:13:08] But like the book is a genuinely good book.

[1:13:10] Yeah.

[1:13:10] The first Dune book.

[1:13:11] And the sequels.

[1:13:12] Your mileage may vary.

[1:13:13] But like the first Dune book.

[1:13:14] I love.

[1:13:15] I think it's really great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:16] Yeah.

[1:13:17] And if you end up reading it.

[1:13:19] Friend of the show.

[1:13:20] Tom Fowler.

[1:13:20] Cartoonist Tom Fowler.

[1:13:21] Who made the lovely.

[1:13:23] Rocket Crocodile poster.

[1:13:25] That we sell for charity.

[1:13:26] At the Mike's Fun Store.

[1:13:28] He.

[1:13:29] After reading Dune.

[1:13:30] Kind of recently.

[1:13:30] Put together a.

[1:13:32] A selection of like.

[1:13:33] Basically cartoons.

[1:13:34] Of all the characters.

[1:13:35] And it's a really interesting.

[1:13:37] Take on.

[1:13:38] Just like the outfits.

[1:13:39] And the clothes and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:40] So that's Tom Fowler.

[1:13:40] And also like.

[1:13:42] National newsman.

[1:13:42] Tom Brokaw loves it.

[1:13:44] So the two Toms like it.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:45] And I started reading Dune.

[1:13:47] Literally three days ago.

[1:13:48] How far are you in it?

[1:13:50] My Kindle says.

[1:13:51] I'm 14% of the way through.

[1:13:53] What do you think of those.

[1:13:55] Saducar.

[1:13:56] I don't think.

[1:13:56] Pretty ruthless right?

[1:13:58] I don't think I've gotten there yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:59] How about that Baron Harkonnen?

[1:14:00] What a jerk.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:01] Yeah.

[1:14:01] I got.

[1:14:01] I've read a little bit about him.

[1:14:03] What a cool guy.

[1:14:04] And his floating fat.

[1:14:04] Yeah.

[1:14:04] And his evil mentat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:05] I imagine that dude.

[1:14:07] Likes to tweet a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:10] He's always Instagramming his meals.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:13] Topical.

[1:14:15] Uh.

[1:14:16] So.

[1:14:17] Let's move on.

[1:14:18] Dot org.

[1:14:19] On the speed round of letters.

[1:14:22] Slowest letters ever.

[1:14:23] This is from Anne Marie.

[1:14:25] Anne Marie?

[1:14:26] I was listening to an old episode.

[1:14:28] Where Stuart was talking about them.

[1:14:30] So now I want to know.

[1:14:31] Elliot.

[1:14:32] Do you ever call your son.

[1:14:34] Sammy Rye?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:35] No.

[1:14:36] I haven't.

[1:14:36] That's a good question.

[1:14:37] I have not.

[1:14:38] I call him Sammy boy.

[1:14:40] Samson.

[1:14:41] Samolino.

[1:14:43] Samsonite sometimes.

[1:14:44] Well the thing is.

[1:14:45] He's never Samuel.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:46] He's just a little boy.

[1:14:47] You're nervous about.

[1:14:48] You know.

[1:14:48] Committing him to that kind of a life of servitude.

[1:14:50] It's.

[1:14:51] Where he's serving his lord.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:52] But it's a life of honor.

[1:14:53] The daimyo.

[1:14:53] Is the thing.

[1:14:54] I mean.

[1:14:54] What it really is.

[1:14:55] Is that like.

[1:14:56] I'd be fooling myself.

[1:14:57] Yeah.

[1:14:57] If I said we came from a samurai lineage.

[1:14:59] We're Eta.

[1:15:00] If anything.

[1:15:00] The lowest of the low.

[1:15:03] And so.

[1:15:03] Yeah.

[1:15:03] You handle dead bodies.

[1:15:04] Yeah.

[1:15:05] And or waste.

[1:15:05] And so if.

[1:15:06] Unless he.

[1:15:07] By some.

[1:15:08] Miracle.

[1:15:09] Is named a samurai.

[1:15:10] By a great lord.

[1:15:11] Because maybe he saved his life.

[1:15:13] I don't know.

[1:15:13] Sure.

[1:15:13] And the lord is particularly merciful.

[1:15:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:15:16] Then maybe someday he'll be Sammy right.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:18] Well and Elliot's also scared that.

[1:15:20] There'll be an estrangement between the two of them.

[1:15:22] And Sammy would have to become a ronin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:24] Oh that would be terrible.

[1:15:25] Yeah.

[1:15:25] Where he would walk the demons road of Maifumato.

[1:15:27] Yeah.

[1:15:28] A ronin pharaoh.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:29] Hosting a shitty show on MSNBC.

[1:15:31] And before it gets canceled.

[1:15:34] Yeah.

[1:15:34] You're just making fun of him now.

[1:15:35] Because we were never allowed to make fun of him on the daily show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:38] Uh.

[1:15:38] Yes.

[1:15:40] I can't confirm or deny that.

[1:15:41] But yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:42] Uh.

[1:15:43] This next letter is from Eli.

[1:15:46] Oh.

[1:15:46] Whitney.

[1:15:47] He says.

[1:15:48] Do you guys have any advice for making a tough decision?

[1:15:51] Currently realizing I hate my job and am terrified.

[1:15:54] Yet also extremely apathetic.

[1:15:55] About switching careers slash starting over.

[1:15:57] Even if it'll make me happier.

[1:15:59] Thanks dude.

[1:16:00] You're the sweetest peaches.

[1:16:01] Now apparently.

[1:16:02] You mistook us for Mabib Bam.

[1:16:04] But.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:05] I'm happy to.

[1:16:06] Hey.

[1:16:06] Do you think there's a.

[1:16:07] What they would ever do a crossover with Mobius.

[1:16:09] The comic artist.

[1:16:10] And do call it Mabib Mobius.

[1:16:12] Mabobius Bam.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:14] Well first off that would be great.

[1:16:15] Except.

[1:16:16] Didn't Mobius die kind of recently?

[1:16:18] He did die a few years ago.

[1:16:20] That's pretty recently.

[1:16:21] In this.

[1:16:22] Crazy thing called love.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:25] Okay now here's.

[1:16:26] Here's.

[1:16:27] I'll give you a serious answer for this.

[1:16:28] Because this is how I.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:29] Advice for making a tough decision.

[1:16:31] If you forgot what the question was.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:32] This is how I make tough decisions.

[1:16:34] I'm a big fan of making pro and con lists.

[1:16:36] And being very honest with myself.

[1:16:38] About what the pros are.

[1:16:39] And what the cons are.

[1:16:40] What is the.

[1:16:41] What are the advantages to doing this thing?

[1:16:43] What are the disadvantages?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:44] Now before you do that.

[1:16:45] You have to make a pro and con list.

[1:16:46] About making a pro and con list.

[1:16:48] No.

[1:16:48] That's a waste of time.

[1:16:50] Dan.

[1:16:51] Sorry.

[1:16:52] I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:52] Elliot was being super.

[1:16:54] Like honest.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:56] Yeah.

[1:16:56] He was opening up his heart.

[1:16:58] He's opening.

[1:16:58] Open your heart to us.

[1:17:00] He changed.

[1:17:01] Elliot.

[1:17:02] Go on.

[1:17:03] He changed the.

[1:17:04] You hold the heart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:04] And we hold a bus.

[1:17:06] He changed the tags on this podcast.

[1:17:09] From comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:10] To self help.

[1:17:11] Exactly.

[1:17:12] So I make a pro and a con list.

[1:17:13] And I'm very honest with.

[1:17:15] How I think it'll turn out.

[1:17:16] And what I want from this thing.

[1:17:18] Then.

[1:17:19] I think.

[1:17:19] What is the best case scenario?

[1:17:21] What is the worst case scenario?

[1:17:23] And is the risk of the worst case scenario.

[1:17:25] Worth the payoff.

[1:17:26] Of the best.

[1:17:27] Possibly the best case scenario.

[1:17:28] And.

[1:17:29] Then you just got to do the math yourself.

[1:17:31] Once you've laid out.

[1:17:32] All the different factors.

[1:17:33] You can treat it.

[1:17:34] Almost like an equation.

[1:17:35] And see what.

[1:17:36] Where.

[1:17:37] The.

[1:17:38] Where the heavier weight is.

[1:17:39] And where it makes the most sense.

[1:17:40] To make the decision.

[1:17:41] Knowing of course.

[1:17:41] That any hard decision.

[1:17:43] Decision.

[1:17:44] Any hard decision.

[1:17:46] Carries some aspect of risk.

[1:17:48] And.

[1:17:49] That.

[1:17:49] Even if it goes the wrong way.

[1:17:51] That risk can be empowering.

[1:17:53] In that you are.

[1:17:54] Taking your life.

[1:17:54] In your own hands.

[1:17:56] And.

[1:17:57] Operating over your own destiny.

[1:17:59] In a way that.

[1:18:00] You don't really get that many chances to.

[1:18:02] In your life.

[1:18:02] And so.

[1:18:03] I would say.

[1:18:04] You got to put a thought in it.

[1:18:05] Be honest with yourself.

[1:18:07] Figure out the factors.

[1:18:08] And then.

[1:18:09] Take a moment to.

[1:18:11] Recognize the power you have in that moment.

[1:18:13] Over yourself.

[1:18:14] And your place in the world.

[1:18:15] And just be satisfied with that.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:16] No no.

[1:18:16] You got it all wrong.

[1:18:17] What you got to do.

[1:18:19] Is you have to be a passive figure.

[1:18:20] In your own life.

[1:18:22] And let your wife.

[1:18:23] Make all of the.

[1:18:24] Big decisions for you.

[1:18:26] And then.

[1:18:26] Get.

[1:18:27] Divorced.

[1:18:28] And feel completely adrift.

[1:18:30] And unable to.

[1:18:31] Take care of yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:32] And then McDuff comes and chops your fucking nugget off.

[1:18:36] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:37] Right?

[1:18:38] Yeah.

[1:18:38] That was what I was talking about.

[1:18:40] You were talking about Macbeth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:41] That's right.

[1:18:42] I can't think of anyone else that that refers to.

[1:18:44] What you were talking about.

[1:18:46] Chops your nugget off.

[1:18:48] First off Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:48] I'm sorry that you were having a moment of emotional honesty.

[1:18:51] And I had to bring it back to the bard.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:53] No no no.

[1:18:53] No.

[1:18:54] Dan interrupted my moment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:56] I don't think I interrupted.

[1:18:57] I think I.

[1:18:58] Waited calmly for you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:59] Oh no wait.

[1:19:00] It was Stuart who interrupted.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:01] Yeah.

[1:19:01] I stepped all over it through salt on your moment.

[1:19:04] Now it's my turn boys.

[1:19:05] You stepped on both our moments.

[1:19:06] I got.

[1:19:07] Two things to say.

[1:19:08] First off is.

[1:19:09] I do all my best thinking.

[1:19:10] When I'm either jogging.

[1:19:12] Or when I'm in the shower.

[1:19:13] Because I have nothing to distract.

[1:19:14] Or in the shower jogging.

[1:19:15] Yeah.

[1:19:16] Maybe.

[1:19:16] I mean.

[1:19:16] If you can invent a jogging shower.

[1:19:18] That'd probably be great.

[1:19:20] Because that combines the two activities.

[1:19:22] And then I don't have to waste any time doing them separately.

[1:19:24] That sounds pretty sweet.

[1:19:25] Yeah.

[1:19:25] Because if you're lucky.

[1:19:26] You wouldn't get sweaty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:26] If you're lucky.

[1:19:27] You'll just slip and break your neck.

[1:19:28] And you'll never have to make a decision ever again.

[1:19:30] Because you'll be dead or paralyzed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:31] Then my little weasel ghost would fly up in the air.

[1:19:33] Playing the harp.

[1:19:34] Just playing a little harp.

[1:19:36] The.

[1:19:37] The other one is.

[1:19:38] Is basically something that.

[1:19:40] I.

[1:19:40] I know I said to you.

[1:19:41] When you were leaving the daily show.

[1:19:43] Which is.

[1:19:44] Dan doesn't know I love the show.

[1:19:44] If you have the.

[1:19:46] I think if you have the opportunity.

[1:19:47] And you don't mind doing the work.

[1:19:50] It's always a good idea.

[1:19:51] To.

[1:19:52] Try to bet on yourself.

[1:19:54] Because I don't.

[1:19:55] I think a lot of people don't.

[1:19:57] Don't really do that enough.

[1:19:59] And it's.

[1:20:01] You.

[1:20:02] You deserve to take a risk.

[1:20:04] A couple times in your life.

[1:20:05] And as long as you're willing to put.

[1:20:07] As long as you're going to work for it.

[1:20:09] You should do it.

[1:20:11] That's a good point.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:12] So.

[1:20:13] I hope that.

[1:20:14] One of the.

[1:20:15] One of the.

[1:20:16] Advices you got.

[1:20:18] Today.

[1:20:18] Helps you Eli.

[1:20:19] Probably not mine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:20] I mean.

[1:20:21] Mine and Stuart's are.

[1:20:22] Mutually inclusive.

[1:20:23] You can.

[1:20:24] They both can work together.

[1:20:25] Yours of course is.

[1:20:26] A cry for help.

[1:20:27] In a cold dark world.

[1:20:29] As if from the bottom.

[1:20:30] Of a deep well.

[1:20:32] Yeah.

[1:20:33] Stuart is.

[1:20:34] Comfortingly.

[1:20:35] Shaking Dan's shoulder.

[1:20:36] Right now.

[1:20:37] So.

[1:20:38] Much as a.

[1:20:39] Not particularly.

[1:20:40] Emotionally open.

[1:20:41] Hockey coach would.

[1:20:42] To a.

[1:20:43] To a player.

[1:20:44] Who has just learned.

[1:20:45] That he has youth cancer.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:48] Sorry.

[1:20:48] Youth cancer.

[1:20:49] Is that different.

[1:20:50] From regular cancer.

[1:20:50] Yeah.

[1:20:51] It's hip and cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:51] It's hip and cool.

[1:20:52] Yeah.

[1:20:53] It's ironic.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:55] It eats gogurt.

[1:20:56] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:57] It eats gogurt.

[1:20:57] And it's always on its damn phone.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:01] So this last letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:02] Is from Christopher.

[1:21:04] Columbus.

[1:21:05] Where am I?

[1:21:06] Is this India?

[1:21:07] No Christopher.

[1:21:08] You're on the new world.

[1:21:09] It's titled.

[1:21:10] I'm going to stop making a Harry Potter movie.

[1:21:12] Mario.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:15] What are you doing here?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:19] It's called.

[1:21:21] $700,000 idea.

[1:21:24] And it goes like this.

[1:21:26] The thriller music video.

[1:21:28] Except they're cats.

[1:21:29] And at the end.

[1:21:30] A cat.

[1:21:30] Michael Jackson.

[1:21:31] Opens his eyes.

[1:21:32] And they're human eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:35] Surprised.

[1:21:35] No one's done that yet.

[1:21:37] Wait.

[1:21:37] So they would be cats.

[1:21:38] And they'd turn into cat people.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:40] That's the part of the podcast where people that are really high send us ethos.

[1:21:45] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:45] Dan.

[1:21:46] I would like that if.

[1:21:46] Just as SNL puts it.

[1:21:48] It's weirder.

[1:21:49] And often best sketches in the 1125.

[1:21:52] Oh no.

[1:21:52] Sorry.

[1:21:53] In the 1255 AM slot.

[1:21:56] Yeah.

[1:21:56] I would like it if you would put the weirdest short letter at the last end of the mailbag.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:59] I'll try and do that from now on.

[1:22:01] The best part about watching that music video with the cats.

[1:22:05] You're going to see them and you're going to be like.

[1:22:07] Those cats are adorable.

[1:22:08] I love them.

[1:22:09] This makes me so happy.

[1:22:10] And you're going to see that ending from a mile away.

[1:22:13] But when it happens.

[1:22:14] You're still going to crack up.

[1:22:15] No.

[1:22:16] It's going to look weird.

[1:22:16] A cat with human pupils.

[1:22:18] It's going to terrify you.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:19] Oh boy.

[1:22:20] I love cats.

[1:22:21] But if my cat looked at me with human eyes.

[1:22:24] Jesus Christ.

[1:22:25] Can you imagine?

[1:22:27] Imagine it.

[1:22:28] I demand that you imagine it Stuart.

[1:22:30] I can see you imagining it.

[1:22:32] You're smiling.

[1:22:33] You're smiling.

[1:22:34] Oh no.

[1:22:35] It's starting to worry you a little bit.

[1:22:36] You're a little frightened.

[1:22:38] Now he's looking at his phone.

[1:22:39] Got bored.

[1:22:44] So now we go to our last segment of the evening.

[1:22:47] Which is recommendations of movies you should watch.

[1:22:49] Instead of wasting your life with Zoolander 2.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:52] There are few movies I've seen.

[1:22:54] Where I felt such a more palpable sense of.

[1:22:58] I only have a limited amount of time on earth.

[1:23:01] Why am I doing this?

[1:23:02] That the art form has limitless possibilities.

[1:23:04] Yeah.

[1:23:05] Yeah.

[1:23:05] That's what I felt.

[1:23:06] I mean.

[1:23:06] Is it my least favorite movie we've ever watched?

[1:23:08] No.

[1:23:09] That would still be Home Sweet Hell.

[1:23:11] But even during Home Sweet Hell.

[1:23:13] I didn't get that feeling of like.

[1:23:15] I missed out on helping my wife.

[1:23:18] My son to bed tonight.

[1:23:20] Because I had to leave to get to Dan's.

[1:23:22] To watch Zoolander 2.

[1:23:24] What am I doing with my life?

[1:23:27] I'll just put him to bed tomorrow night.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:29] Sure.

[1:23:29] I mean.

[1:23:29] You have infinite nights to put him to bed.

[1:23:32] Yeah.

[1:23:32] I feel like.

[1:23:33] That's like a Christopher Nolan movie.

[1:23:34] Right?

[1:23:35] Well no.

[1:23:35] It's that movie.

[1:23:36] It was the sequel.

[1:23:36] When genie casts a spell.

[1:23:38] And it lets you put your kid to bed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:40] Infinite nights.

[1:23:41] It was the sequel to First Night with Sean Connery.

[1:23:44] Infinite nights.

[1:23:46] Oh wow.

[1:23:46] Which was about way in the future.

[1:23:48] It's basically.

[1:23:48] It's multiplicity.

[1:23:49] But with Sean Connery from First Night.

[1:23:51] King Arthur just.

[1:23:52] He doesn't have enough time to get around to do all the things he needs to do.

[1:23:55] So he clones himself.

[1:23:56] But Merlin's spell is a little wonky.

[1:23:59] So the clones come out weird.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:01] So I never saw that movie.

[1:24:02] Was it super sexy Dan?

[1:24:04] First Night I'm talking about.

[1:24:05] First Night.

[1:24:06] Are you asking me?

[1:24:06] Yeah.

[1:24:09] Wait.

[1:24:09] It felt like.

[1:24:10] Kind of like an exotic Marigold Hotel type movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:14] Like it's sexy.

[1:24:15] First Night?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:16] It's a retelling of the King Arthur story.

[1:24:17] No.

[1:24:18] But it's like sexy.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:19] But for the olds.

[1:24:22] Now what kind of exotic Marigold Hotel are you talking about?

[1:24:24] Because you just said exotic Marigold Hotel.

[1:24:26] I don't know.

[1:24:27] Probably the best.

[1:24:28] The quality.

[1:24:28] Oh okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:30] Now I want to see.

[1:24:31] I want to see someone.

[1:24:33] The movie is this.

[1:24:35] These old people.

[1:24:37] Talking about their vacation.

[1:24:38] They're like.

[1:24:38] It wasn't the best exotic Marigold Hotel.

[1:24:41] Yeah.

[1:24:42] It was one of the better exotic Marigold Hotels.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:44] Like going through Yelp.

[1:24:45] Yeah.

[1:24:46] Like.

[1:24:46] This Marigold Hotel is.

[1:24:48] You know.

[1:24:49] Subpar.

[1:24:50] Compared to many Marigold Hotels.

[1:24:51] I've said.

[1:24:52] Of course.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:52] The best.

[1:24:53] The worst.

[1:24:53] The worst is.

[1:24:54] When they can't pay the bills.

[1:24:55] The building gets bought out.

[1:24:57] By the.

[1:24:57] By a big chain.

[1:24:58] It becomes the best western Marigold Hotel.

[1:25:02] Loses all of its local charm.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:04] Yeah.

[1:25:04] I couldn't.

[1:25:05] I'm sorry.

[1:25:05] I wasn't engaging your first night.

[1:25:07] talk.

[1:25:09] I was looking at the Flophouse Recommends page.

[1:25:12] Because.

[1:25:13] Yet again.

[1:25:14] I have not watched a movie recently.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:16] We watched Superman 4 the other night.

[1:25:18] Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] Yeah.

[1:25:19] In preparation for a very very fun day.

[1:25:21] Which should be happening when this episode is released.

[1:25:23] Or a week before.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:24] A week after.

[1:25:26] A week after this episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:26] So.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:27] No.

[1:25:27] You mean a week before this episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:28] No.

[1:25:29] A week before.

[1:25:30] Yes.

[1:25:31] A week before.

[1:25:32] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:32] This will be.

[1:25:32] So sorry.

[1:25:33] Actually this will be released.

[1:25:34] We're recording this before very very fun day.

[1:25:36] We'll be releasing it a week after very very fun day.

[1:25:38] So hopefully.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:40] We haven't been locked up and kept in jail in Chicago.

[1:25:43] Uh oh.

[1:25:44] For being too dang charming.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:46] I mean.

[1:25:46] If they could put up with like the Blues Brothers.

[1:25:49] I think they could put up with us.

[1:25:51] Where does that movie take place?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:53] It takes place in Chicago.

[1:25:54] Okay.

[1:25:54] Great.

[1:25:55] That's what I thought.

[1:25:56] And who's in it?

[1:25:58] Well.

[1:25:59] You got your.

[1:26:02] John Belushi.

[1:26:03] Okay.

[1:26:03] You got your Dan Aykroyd.

[1:26:04] Yep.

[1:26:05] Okay.

[1:26:05] You got your Aretha Franklin.

[1:26:07] So the brothers of Jim Belushi and Peter Aykroyd.

[1:26:10] Uh.

[1:26:11] You got your Ray Charles.

[1:26:13] I'm assuming there's a.

[1:26:14] Liza Meyer Ray Charles.

[1:26:17] You got your Donald Duck Dunn.

[1:26:18] I'm assuming he is.

[1:26:19] You got your Carrie Fisher.

[1:26:23] John Candy.

[1:26:24] Okay.

[1:26:24] Why are they all mine?

[1:26:25] Do I have to take care of them?

[1:26:27] That's right.

[1:26:28] You have a lot of.

[1:26:29] You have a lot of.

[1:26:30] Illegitimate children.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:32] Who are older than me.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:33] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:34] Look.

[1:26:35] Uh.

[1:26:35] I can't explain the wonders of quantum physics to you, Elliot.

[1:26:40] I mean.

[1:26:40] I literally can't.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:41] Let's get Neil deGrasse Tyson in here.

[1:26:43] He's a.

[1:26:43] He'll care on anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:45] Hey.

[1:26:45] It's me.

[1:26:46] Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[1:26:47] Hey.

[1:26:48] Wait.

[1:26:48] I thought you said this was going to be a video podcast.

[1:26:51] Okay.

[1:26:51] See you later.

[1:26:52] Peace.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:53] For some reason I thought you were going to be like.

[1:26:54] Oh.

[1:26:54] Hey.

[1:26:55] Oh.

[1:26:55] He just left.

[1:26:56] Well.

[1:26:56] That was amazing.

[1:26:56] Danny took one of your books.

[1:26:58] For some reason I thought you were going to go.

[1:27:00] Hey.

[1:27:00] It's me.

[1:27:01] Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[1:27:02] Pizza pie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:03] Yeah.

[1:27:04] Ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-cosmos.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:06] So.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:07] Let me recommend a movie that.

[1:27:09] I.

[1:27:09] I realize now.

[1:27:10] Stuart and I could have recommended our movies in the times that you were looking up your phone.

[1:27:13] I know.

[1:27:14] Rather than vamping waiting for you.

[1:27:15] Well.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:16] Well.

[1:27:16] Also.

[1:27:17] I could have been recommending my movie in the time that we were doing not so funny vamping

[1:27:21] after I.

[1:27:22] After I got off my phone.

[1:27:23] I thought you still needed time to think.

[1:27:25] No.

[1:27:27] So.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:27] Or whatever it is you do that's like thinking.

[1:27:30] Whoa.

[1:27:31] Jesus Christ.

[1:27:32] Too mean.

[1:27:32] I apologize.

[1:27:33] That was too mean.

[1:27:34] And not accurate.

[1:27:34] You're very smart.

[1:27:36] And very thoughtful.

[1:27:37] Ladies.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:38] Thanks.

[1:27:39] So the movie that I was looking into wacky comedies because Zoolander put me in the mood

[1:27:47] for a wacky comedy in the mind of a wacky comedy.

[1:27:50] In the mind of a married man.

[1:27:51] In the mind of a lunatic.

[1:27:53] In the mind of a killer.

[1:27:54] I like a recommend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:57] I thought you were going to say I like erections.

[1:27:59] I like erections.

[1:28:00] I give my recommendation to having an erection.

[1:28:03] Try it out.

[1:28:03] It feels weird at first.

[1:28:05] But like it.

[1:28:06] Then it feels good.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:07] Yeah.

[1:28:07] Two stars.

[1:28:08] Easy.

[1:28:09] I'm sorry people without penises.

[1:28:11] I don't want to exclude you.

[1:28:13] I mean I'm sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:13] I hope that you can enjoy sexual pleasure in some form.

[1:28:15] I don't know.

[1:28:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:16] I'm not familiar with it.

[1:28:17] I don't understand how it works if an erection's not involved.

[1:28:20] But.

[1:28:21] No.

[1:28:21] I want to recommend a wacky comedy that I enjoy which is A Shot in the Dark.

[1:28:27] The second Pink Panther movie.

[1:28:29] In my mind.

[1:28:31] Possibly the best Pink Panther movie.

[1:28:32] I would say better than Pink Panther.

[1:28:34] I mean it's definitely better than Pink Panther.

[1:28:35] Pink Panther is not really an Inspector Clouseau.

[1:28:39] Film.

[1:28:41] It's more of a David Nevin movie and Peter Sellers is also in it.

[1:28:45] Yeah.

[1:28:46] What would you call better Return of the Pink Panther?

[1:28:49] The only other one that I think is kind of close is the one where Herbert Lomp's character,

[1:28:55] Inspector Dreyfuss, is trying to blow up the earth.

[1:28:57] Really?

[1:29:00] You don't like that one at all?

[1:29:01] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:01] I like it.

[1:29:01] It's just I like Shot in the Dark much more.

[1:29:03] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:03] I like that.

[1:29:04] I'm saying Shot in the Dark's the best one I think.

[1:29:06] It's just people have.

[1:29:07] I've never seen a Pink Panther movie.

[1:29:08] Really?

[1:29:09] That's okay.

[1:29:09] I've never seen a Zooliator until tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:10] You know when I was a kid I think my parents tried to get me to watch one and when I realized

[1:29:15] there wasn't like a cartoon Panther character.

[1:29:18] Yeah.

[1:29:18] It's a disappointment.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:19] I was like fuck this bitches.

[1:29:23] I will say that whenever Peter Sellers is not on screen or to a lesser degree Herbert Lomp

[1:29:28] it's pretty boring.

[1:29:31] Any Pink Panther movie.

[1:29:32] Like they have that problem of 60s comedies where there's a dragginess to a lot of it.

[1:29:38] Yeah.

[1:29:39] But Peter Sellers is so funny as that character that he carries those movies for the most part

[1:29:46] and Shot in the Dark is the finest one.

[1:29:49] It's the tightest one.

[1:29:50] It's based on a play so it kind of keeps it.

[1:29:53] And you know that makes great movies all the time.

[1:29:55] No but it keeps it from sprawling too much.

[1:29:58] August Osage County baby.

[1:29:59] Later Pink Panther movies got.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:00] Well it was also August Osage County.

[1:30:03] It was also one of those.

[1:30:07] It was before Peter Sellers had gotten to his and Blake Edwards had gotten to their Peter just

[1:30:12] kind of walk around and do stuff and it'll be hilarious mode.

[1:30:16] Yeah.

[1:30:16] Which the movies eventually got to.

[1:30:18] And the movies.

[1:30:19] It took more movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:19] The movies got like weirdly racist as they went on too.

[1:30:22] Like there were a lot more like Peter Sellers putting on like as Inspector Clouseau putting

[1:30:27] on costumes.

[1:30:28] And being characters of other nationalities.

[1:30:30] Yeah.

[1:30:30] Pretending to be Chinese and things like that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:32] And also it had.

[1:30:34] What took Zoolander two movies I guess to get to.

[1:30:36] It took the Pink Panther movies longer which was like they just got too big.

[1:30:40] Yeah.

[1:30:41] And too special.

[1:30:41] Which one is it that ends with him and Cato get into a get into the like Pink Panther mobile

[1:30:49] at the very end and it breaks down and it's a super unfunny gag that takes forever because

[1:30:55] they have to get into this stupid looking car and then it just breaks down.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:58] Yeah.

[1:30:59] I don't know.

[1:30:59] Like all of the later Pink Panther movies have such interchangeable names that they might

[1:31:03] as well be fast in the Furious films.

[1:31:05] But A Shot in the Dark sets itself aside by being good and having a memorable title.

[1:31:12] So and it's got one of the greatest Henry Mancini themes outside of the original Pink Panther

[1:31:17] theme.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:17] Yeah.

[1:31:17] It's the main theme of the great.

[1:31:19] Yeah.

[1:31:19] Not the streets of Paris.

[1:31:22] No.

[1:31:22] Or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:26] And it plays a couple different ways throughout the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:30] Yeah.

[1:31:31] The swing in the way the version of it that plays the news colony.

[1:31:34] Yeah.

[1:31:34] That's a really good song.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:35] Yeah.

[1:31:36] There's a scene where Peter Sellers bumbles through a nudist colony.

[1:31:39] What more do you want out of a movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:40] But it's like a quick moving scene.

[1:31:42] Yeah.

[1:31:42] That's the thing.

[1:31:43] It's still a little long but it's not.

[1:31:44] It doesn't take forever.

[1:31:45] Yeah.

[1:31:46] That's a good recommendation Dan.

[1:31:48] Thanks.

[1:31:48] A good recommendation for once.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:51] Okay.

[1:31:51] So I'm going to jump in here.

[1:31:52] I don't think I talked about this on the podcast.

[1:31:55] And we brought up Debbie Reynolds earlier.

[1:31:59] But it was a couple weeks ago now that Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds passed away.

[1:32:05] And the night that Debbie Reynolds passed away my wife and I watched Postcards from the Edge.

[1:32:10] A movie I hadn't seen up to that point.

[1:32:13] And it's really great.

[1:32:15] It's a movie based on Meryl Streep's.

[1:32:18] Or not Meryl Streep.

[1:32:19] Carrie Fisher's memoir where Meryl Streep plays a Carrie Fisher analog basically.

[1:32:24] And Shirley MacLaine plays a Debbie Reynolds analog.

[1:32:29] And it's just this great little story about a woman, an actress, kind of dealing with the general shittiness of Hollywood.

[1:32:40] And it's held together by these amazing performances by these two actresses.

[1:32:46] And it's rare.

[1:32:48] It's great to see a movie about a mother-daughter relationship that is both interesting and dramatic.

[1:32:56] But it isn't like it's not all melodrama.

[1:33:01] And it's I don't know.

[1:33:03] It's just really great.

[1:33:04] And the little details of Meryl Streep's performance, the way she – my wife was talking about how Meryl Streep shows both a like love and a respect.

[1:33:17] But also such hatred toward her mother in some of those scenes.

[1:33:21] It's just so great.

[1:33:23] Yeah.

[1:33:24] So check it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:26] I'm going to recommend a movie about – so let's not – let's make no bones about it.

[1:33:33] We're living in a time where the person who's in charge of our country is – it's kind of frightening where it's going to go and what he's going to do.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:40] We're not going to fight you on that one.

[1:33:41] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:41] I know you guys are – Stuart, I see that hat you're wearing.

[1:33:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:46] Yeah, it says this bud's for you.

[1:33:48] And I'm like, why not?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:50] For me?

Dan McCoy

[1:33:51] His hat says make America grape again.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:53] I don't even know what that means.

[1:33:54] Oh, that's what it is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:54] Yeah, yeah.

[1:33:55] It's a California raisins thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:00] Yeah, no.

[1:34:00] I mean, we're basically – I'm assuming you're going to be recommending the Super Mario Brothers movie because –

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:06] Because the president reminds me so much of Dennis Hopper's version of Bowser.

[1:34:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:10] Or King Koopa, as he's also called.

[1:34:12] Yeah, big Bowser to his friends, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:14] No, but I've been thinking a lot about movies that take place – a person that I feel like I've been hearing a lot of comparisons between the president and is Mussolini.

[1:34:24] And I was sort of thinking about movies about Italy under Mussolini.

[1:34:27] And one that I saw a little while ago that I found more affecting than I thought I would and I kept thinking about afterwards is a movie called Love and Anarchy.

[1:34:36] It's a Lena Wertmuller movie and it stars Giancarlo Giannini as this guy who is kind of a yokel from the sticks in Italy.

[1:34:44] It's the time Mussolini is in charge.

[1:34:46] And he's a guy who kind of has nothing to lose and decides he's going to be part of this conspiracy to assassinate Mussolini.

[1:34:53] And he's supposed to meet up with a prostitute at this one brothel in Rome.

[1:34:57] He's going to hide out there and she's going to help him accomplish this assassination.

[1:35:01] And he falls in love with one of the other prostitutes there and finds himself kind of torn now because he thought he didn't have anything to live for and now he kind of does.

[1:35:11] But he feels like he needs to accomplish this mission and doesn't know how to embody these two different drives of finding personal happiness or making this huge political impact.

[1:35:26] And it kind of shows just how screwed up anyone's life is under a government that is doing terrible things.

[1:35:35] It does a little bit too much of something European movies do, which is romanticizing brothels as places where the ladies are all kind of like the ladies are in control and having a grand old time.

[1:35:48] And the clients who come in are just kind of like bumbling fools that they have fun with.

[1:35:52] But I feel like at a certain point the movie accomplishes what Sucker Punch was trying to accomplish.

[1:35:58] Where it's like, hey, look, this guy's living at a brothel and there's women in their underpants around him all the time.

[1:36:03] Actually, it's not that fun place to be.

[1:36:05] You shouldn't have made the mistake of fantasizing about that or seeing it as a fantasy.

[1:36:10] And the movie has a far more wrenching ending than I expected.

[1:36:14] But it's really interesting and I think it was really good.

[1:36:18] It's called Love and Anarchy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:20] It's Italian.

[1:36:21] Three movies.

[1:36:22] Italian.

[1:36:23] Italian.

[1:36:24] You know who really loves it?

[1:36:24] Just like a Mario.

[1:36:25] Just like a Mario.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:26] Hey, it's me.

[1:36:28] I like whatever that movie was that Elliot wasn't recommending.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:30] I wasn't really paying attention.

[1:36:32] I wasn't really listening.

[1:36:33] But I think I'm going to like it because it takes place in my home country of Italy.

[1:36:38] I'm going to watch it while I'm lounging around in my black tux.

[1:36:41] That's me.

[1:36:43] That's a callback.

[1:36:45] That's a good boss.

[1:36:46] That's a good callback.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:48] There ain't no sanity clause.

[1:36:50] Anyway.

[1:36:52] Well, that's been us for now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:54] So let's say thanks to our network, Max Fun.

[1:36:58] Sure.

[1:36:58] There's a lot of great shows on there.

[1:36:59] Thanks for our network, Max Fun.

[1:37:01] There's a ton of great networks.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:03] You can listen to them.

[1:37:04] Wow.

[1:37:05] You really weren't listening.

[1:37:09] That's the level of care that you put into them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:11] I think it's more that's the level of tired I am.

[1:37:14] This is, lately I've been noticing when, I'm usually pretty good without sleep.

[1:37:19] I haven't been getting a great amount of sleep lately.

[1:37:21] And I'm starting to recognize that it's affecting me and that I'll be like, okay, Sammy, got

[1:37:27] to get you undressed for your bath, show your clothes in the garbage.

[1:37:29] And we'll be like, daddy, you just threw my shirt in the garbage.

[1:37:33] I'm like, oh, right.

[1:37:33] Sorry.

[1:37:34] I thought that was a hamper.

[1:37:35] Let me get that out of there.

[1:37:37] We're like, look, time to wash your hands.

[1:37:39] I start putting toothpaste on his toothbrush.

[1:37:41] He's like, daddy, no.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:43] Well, that's the thing.

[1:37:43] You were explaining to me that you saw.

[1:37:46] You're a real Mr. Mom.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:47] But I used to be a Mr. Dad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:49] You saw that TV show, Supernatural, finally at 200 episodes.

[1:37:52] So you're like, I got to finish it.

[1:37:54] I got to watch all these apps.

[1:37:56] That's why it's been keeping me up.

[1:37:57] Got to find out what's happened to the brothers.

[1:37:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:00] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:01] I guess I'll finally pick up Charmed.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:03] No, seriously.

[1:38:04] What a show, that Charmed.

[1:38:06] Go check out maxfun.org.

[1:38:10] There's a lot of great maxfun shows.

[1:38:11] Maxfun.org.

[1:38:12] There's a lot of great shows.

[1:38:13] Throwing Shade.

[1:38:14] Oh, no, Ross and Carrie.

[1:38:15] The Adventure Zone.

[1:38:17] What channel picked up?

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:18] Is that, what channel is the Throwing Shade show on?

[1:38:22] TV Land, I think.

[1:38:22] Oh, yeah.

[1:38:23] Cool.

[1:38:23] Awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:24] Yeah.

[1:38:25] I'm excited for that.

[1:38:25] And my brother and me have their show coming up on CISO.

[1:38:29] Mm-hmm.

[1:38:29] There's TV shows all around, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:31] And since this is coming out after a very, very fun day, thanks to the people of Chicago

[1:38:35] for what I assume will be a tumultuous, amazing welcome that you're going to be giving us

[1:38:41] and the other shows.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:41] And the casserole pizza that my wife and I are going to eat and immediately fall asleep for three

[1:38:47] days, I'm guessing.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:48] But it's been a delight to be with you, but we got to go.

[1:38:54] Thank you for the Flophouse.

[1:38:56] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:38:57] Hey, you know, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:00] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:39:01] And I want you to just remember, hey, do something good for someone every single day.

[1:39:06] You'll feel better.

[1:39:06] Pay it forward.

[1:39:07] Or backward.

[1:39:09] Sideways.

[1:39:10] Good night.

[1:39:11] with Paul Giamatti.

[1:39:41] Da da da da.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:59] Strakes on the channel.

[1:40:03] Who cares?

[1:40:04] Could you see the look on my face

[1:40:06] when I was like,

[1:40:07] when can I jump in

[1:40:09] with the Mr. Belvedere theme?

[1:40:11] Oops, I keep missing.

[1:40:12] I somehow picked it up

[1:40:13] from your brain.

[1:40:16] Saw the look on my face.

[1:40:18] You saw the hamster wheel

[1:40:19] cooking up.

[1:40:22] Maximumfun.org

[1:40:24] Comedy and culture.

[1:40:25] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:26] Listener supported.

Ep. #224 - Zoolander 2

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