Ep. #231 - Mother's Day

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we watched Mother's Day.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] I forgot it's Mother's Day weekend.

[0:06] I gotta go get a card.

Stuart Wellington

[0:10] Guys, he really just left.

[0:13] I guess we can quit doing the podcast forever then.

[0:17] Yay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:19] I got a card, guys.

[0:23] I'm back.

Stuart Wellington

[0:25] That was a real commitment to fully work.

[0:28] So what you have to do is you have to edit that last part Elliot did out and put it at the very end of the episode.

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] And I'll just be quiet the whole episode.

[0:36] Hey, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[1:06] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07] Hey-o.

[1:08] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] Hi.

[1:11] Elliot Kalin over here.

[1:12] And I'm New.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14] Okay.

[1:15] Hey, New.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] Nice to meet you, New.

[1:17] What's up?

[1:18] Do you have another name we can call you?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19] Are you like a character from a cyberpunk movie?

S3

[1:23] I'm Paul Saborin.

[1:24] I'm Paul Saborin, and I'm here to audition for the role of Elliot Kalin.

[1:27] Oh, excellent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28] Paul, it's great to have you here.

[1:30] Big fan.

[1:31] Guys, Stu Dan, can I talk to you in the other room for a moment?

[1:34] Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

[1:35] Closed door.

[1:36] Could you audition people when I'm not here?

[1:38] No.

[1:39] No, timing did not work out, so I'm sorry.

[1:42] This is a scheduling issue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43] The thing is, it's much easier to do the body hair comparison when you're here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46] Knock, knock, knock.

[1:47] Guys, should I stick around?

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] We'll be out right in a second.

[1:50] Okay.

[1:51] Don't tell him what we're doing in here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] We're just masturbating.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54] I mean, I guess we could use this Teddy Ruxpin to be you for the body hair thing.

[2:00] So I guess you could leave, and for the talking thing, because he can talk.

[2:04] He's a bear that talks.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] We all know Teddy Ruxpin's an amazing bear that can talk.

[2:07] Put your favorite cassette tape, send him, he moves his mouth.

[2:09] Look, is the body hair thing that necessary?

[2:11] Can listeners hear my body hair?

Dan McCoy

[2:13] There's so much rustling that I edit out of every episode, Elliot.

[2:17] Really?

S3

[2:18] Knock, knock, knock.

[2:18] Who should I hand my headshots to?

[2:20] We have it to the girl at the door.

[2:22] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] Dan, that's a cat.

[2:24] That's not a girl.

[2:25] Who have I been sleeping with?

S3

[2:27] Uh-oh.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] Let's get out of this room and get back to the podcast, huh?

S3

[2:31] The girl is very friendly.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

[2:34] Okay, step, step, step.

[2:34] Door open.

[2:35] Hi, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] Hey, Paul.

[2:38] Yeah, sorry.

[2:38] We're kind of unprofessional.

[2:39] We don't do a lot of these interviews,

[2:41] but I guess we might as well.

[2:42] So let's start with the shit sandwich.

[2:44] What's your biggest weakness?

S3

[2:46] Wait.

[2:46] Hold on a second.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] I thought that you were supposed to do the shit sandwich.

[2:52] Ask him his five-year plan.

[2:53] Where does he see himself in five years?

[2:55] Yeah, where do you see yourself in five years?

S3

[2:57] Well, my problem is that I give too much, I think.

[3:00] I care too much.

[3:00] Sure, that's pretty good.

[3:01] I will probably be caring too much.

[3:04] Okay.

[3:04] That's a good answer.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] It's a bad weakness, but it's a good strength.

[3:07] The wrong answer, though, because you were supposed to say,

[3:09] my five-year plan is to increase grain and steel production beyond that of the Western nations.

[3:14] Okay.

[3:15] That answer, then.

[3:16] That's a five-year plan joke, guys.

[3:18] Hello?

[3:18] Is this thing on?

[3:19] Anyway, so I was at the grocery store the other day,

[3:22] and you'll never believe what I saw on the aisles.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] Oh, he's doing his tight five.

[3:28] His tight five-year plan.

S3

[3:31] Little Red Book chunk?

Elliott Kalan

[3:33] Yeah, yeah.

[3:33] Yeah.

[3:34] My Little Red Book is more of like a Sniglets type book than Mal's Little Red Book.

Dan McCoy

[3:38] Oh, hey, guys.

[3:40] It's Paul from Paul and Storm.

[3:41] Hi.

[3:43] Hey, thanks for having me.

[3:44] I'm a ball of fun right now, aren't I?

S3

[3:47] Glad you have me on the show.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] Wow, this is an interesting new character you're doing, Paul.

[3:52] Like an Eeyore type?

[3:53] I guess we need two of those.

[3:56] Wait a minute.

[3:57] Is this an audition to replace me?

[3:59] So anyway.

S3

[4:00] I figured that over the course of the podcast,

[4:02] I will try out each of your persona.

[4:04] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] Be fucking careful with mine.

[4:07] It's addictive.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] You'll start seeing him outside of the show.

[4:11] Yeah, it'll be very hard to shake off.

[4:14] It'll be like the film The Double Life.

[4:16] The Double Life of Veronique?

[4:18] Nope, that's a different movie.

[4:20] All right.

[4:20] The Double?

[4:21] Nope, a different movie.

[4:23] Life?

[4:24] Nope, also a different movie.

[4:25] Double Team?

[4:27] Nope, different movie.

[4:28] Double Take?

[4:29] Different movie.

[4:31] Take Five, The Candy Bar.

[4:32] That's a candy bar?

[4:34] Double Bubble, I was expecting you to say.

[4:35] Also not a movie?

[4:36] Take Five, the song by Dave Brubeck.

[4:39] A song and very different.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

[4:42] Also a song, different song.

[4:44] So, Paul, what do we do on this here podcast?

S3

[4:46] On this podcast, we watch a bad movie.

[4:49] Well, you watch a bad movie usually, and then you talk about it.

[4:53] I will cut you.

[4:54] You are taking everything from me.

Stuart Wellington

[4:56] Can I have this one thing?

Elliott Kalan

[4:58] Can't I have my one thing?

[5:01] No, but seriously, folks.

[5:02] We're excited that Paul is here.

[5:03] He heard that we were doing the movie Mother's Day, and he said, I gotta be there for that one.

Stuart Wellington

[5:07] Hey, guys.

[5:08] Not to peel back the skin too much on this pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] Wait, what?

[5:12] Is that a thing?

[5:13] What are you eating?

Stuart Wellington

[5:15] Yeah, we're all like a pizza, right?

[5:16] When you peel the skin back, we're red underneath.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] It's more the idea that pizza has a skin that's bothering me.

[5:20] That's what the cheese is.

Stuart Wellington

[5:21] Is this like a Clive Barker pizza that I've...

[5:23] I guess the skin of the cheese is.

[5:24] I mean, aren't all pizzas Clive Barker pizzas when Clive Barker's eating them?

Elliott Kalan

[5:30] I couldn't Imagica a better pizza.

[5:33] Wow, that campaign's great.

Stuart Wellington

[5:36] But, so for our listeners at home...

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] For a new book of blood, it's called Avoid the Noid.

Dan McCoy

[5:43] The Noid is one of the old beings.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] And there's anal sex involved somehow.

[5:49] I'm Clive Barker.

[5:51] There's such a thin line between pain and pizza.

[5:55] I think I'll take a centibite out of this slice.

Stuart Wellington

[5:59] That's great for your cinnamon pizza, because you said...

[6:03] Oh, don't worry.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] I got an idea for a new character, Pepperoni Head.

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] So as I was saying, for our listeners at home, this is one of those thirsty Thursdays.

[6:13] I mean, for us.

[6:14] It's not for you.

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] You're definitely not listening to this on a Thursday unless it's a week after we recorded it.

[6:20] Well, I hope you wait.

Stuart Wellington

[6:21] You saved it up for a Thursday.

[6:22] So it's Thirsty Thursday, and I hope y'all are thirsty for some mother's milk.

[6:28] Ew.

[6:29] Gross.

[6:30] Because we watched the movie Mother's Day.

[6:33] No, I understand the reference.

[6:35] But that's...

[6:36] What's so gross about it?

[6:38] It's natural.

[6:38] That's what babies drink.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] Dan, the demo research we got back from Cambridge Analytica, who we talked to about this, was

[6:45] that...

[6:46] A bunch of adult babies listening to the show?

[6:48] Yes.

[6:48] There is a very...

[6:49] The Venn diagram between Flophouse listeners and lactation fetishists is almost just a circle.

[6:54] There's very little non-overlap.

[6:56] And that little bit of non-overlap is my parents and Stuart's parents.

[7:00] Dan, your parents, I guess, fall into that adult lactation fetishist circle.

[7:05] Oh, no.

[7:05] Which is fine.

[7:06] I mean, it's great.

[7:07] It's totally healthy.

[7:07] My parents...

[7:08] Whatever you like.

Dan McCoy

[7:09] I actually listen to this podcast, so please don't catch these versions of them.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] And mine do not.

Dan McCoy

[7:14] No, I know.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] We could have safely accused your parents of any fetish on the fetish rainbow.

[7:19] Yep, very much so.

[7:20] I think my dad thinks that I do an oldies call-and-request show on like a local New Jersey radio station.

Stuart Wellington

[7:26] My father-in-law still thinks it's a TV show he can watch on YouTube.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] So we watched the movie Mother's Day, which is, as the name probably tells you, either a horror movie or a Gary Marshall holiday, multi-story, omnibus, mashup, star-sutted, semi-anthological, anthropological look at how we celebrate holidays as a family in the 21st century.

[7:53] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[7:55] It's from the Marshallverse.

[7:56] No.

Elliott Kalan

[7:56] It's not the horror thing.

[7:58] It's part of the MCU, the Marshall Cinematic Universe.

S3

[8:01] Are we in phase three of that yet?

Elliott Kalan

[8:03] I hope we're in...

[8:04] Well, I mean, really, we're in phase end because Gary Marshall has sadly passed.

S3

[8:08] There are other Marshalls.

[8:09] But what a legacy he has left behind.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] Neil Marshall's going to take over the Marshallverse.

[8:14] It's going to change very much.

[8:16] That would be great.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] Starring Marshall Mathers.

[8:18] You think Gary Marshall, Penny Marshall, and Neil Marshall's movies all exist in one shared universe?

[8:22] So like A League of Their Own, Pretty Woman, and what like...

[8:26] So the DeSherian.

[8:27] Are all in the same world?

Stuart Wellington

[8:30] I think all three of us listed different Neil Marshall movies.

Elliott Kalan

[8:33] And it was so much harder for me to think of another Gary Marshall movie.

[8:38] That wasn't a holiday.

[8:42] But anyway, so Mother's Day.

[8:44] Should we just start with the old-fashioned character rundown?

[8:47] Yeah.

[8:47] As you may know if you listen...

[8:48] How much time you got?

[8:50] Not enough.

[8:51] As you may know from previous Gary Marshall episodes, like...

[8:55] What did you do?

[8:55] Valentine's Day?

[8:56] We did Valentine's Day.

Dan McCoy

[8:56] Did we do any other ones?

[8:57] That's it.

[8:58] We didn't do New Year's Eve.

[8:59] We didn't do New Year's Eve.

[9:00] We didn't do...

[9:01] So we don't know what kind of magic happens on New Year's Eve.

[9:04] Probably a lot of kissing.

Elliott Kalan

[9:05] Probably a ghost shows up.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] Kissing and a hugging and a smooching and a squishing.

Elliott Kalan

[9:11] And I think smoochy-booching because I think Jason Mewes was in it.

[9:14] Oh, no.

[9:15] Or is that snoochy-booches?

[9:17] Snoochy-booch.

[9:17] What the hell was his shitty catchphrase that all my friends were saying when we were 15 years old?

Stuart Wellington

[9:24] Something about nugs, I bet.

[9:27] He seems like a fellow who has very strong opinions on nugs.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] About their relative dankness or dankosity.

[9:34] So let's start with the characters.

[9:35] As you know, he does these rich kind of throw-everything-into-the-stew movies.

[9:40] Not used to.

[9:40] I mean like a hearty broth beef stew.

[9:43] Or perhaps like a big old...

[9:44] Your stew is kind of a hearty broth beef stew.

[9:46] Yeah.

[9:47] Sometimes I'm a beef wellington.

[9:48] You never know with me.

[9:50] You never know.

[9:51] Let's start.

[9:52] Let's run down the storylines.

[9:53] There's like three major storylines and some minor ones.

[9:56] Number one, Jennifer Aniston or Janiston, which is her couple name because she's alone right now.

[10:01] Janiston is a mom who is divorced from Timothy Olyphant.

[10:05] She's actually married right now.

[10:06] Oh, who's she married to?

[10:07] Justin Theroux.

[10:08] Oh, Giroux.

[10:09] Yeah, Giroux.

[10:10] She's out Giroux now.

[10:11] Her couple name is then Thaniston, which I do not like.

[10:14] She's getting her boogie down.

[10:15] Theraniston?

[10:16] Yeah, Thanos?

[10:17] That's a great one.

[10:18] Okay, great.

[10:19] Okay, so she's the mad titan and she loves death.

[10:21] And so she's going to kill half the universe to appease her dark mistress.

[10:26] Uh-oh.

[10:27] Looks like the combined might of Adam Warlock and Silver Surfer, everyone's favorite cosmic heroes, is about to stop her.

[10:33] Anyway, Jennifer Aniston is divorced from Timothy Olyphant of TV's Justified.

[10:37] Yep.

[10:37] Beautiful, beautiful man.

[10:39] He's super handsome.

[10:40] Oh, man.

[10:40] What a tall drink of something.

[10:41] Oh, I'm going to guess something delicious.

[10:44] Like the purple stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[10:46] Yeah, like a slow gin fizz.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] That's right.

[10:49] Yeah, like a slow gin fizz.

[10:51] You wish it was slower because you just want to savor every sip of Olyphant.

Stuart Wellington

[10:56] Just drizzle it all over your pizza pie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:58] Olyphant is wearing his trademark Ola pants, available at retailers nationwide.

[11:02] You've been workshopping that fucking joke all night.

[11:05] It's the only pant that has Timothy Olyphant's guarantee that when you wear it, you'll be wearing a pair of pants he wore and pooped in.

[11:13] They're the Ola fanciest.

[11:15] He pooped in the pants?

[11:16] Or he was wearing the pants?

[11:17] It's artisanal.

[11:18] No, no.

[11:18] He just held them over his butt while he pooped.

[11:20] Okay, good.

[11:21] He just said poop, poop, poop.

[11:22] Oh, good.

[11:23] How is that better, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[11:25] I don't want him to poop in, like literally poop in the pants.

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] No, but he does.

[11:29] He holds them open.

[11:30] Oh, no.

[11:31] Like he would poop in a can.

Stuart Wellington

[11:32] Okay.

[11:33] Or a jar.

[11:34] Or like a CVS bag.

Elliott Kalan

[11:37] Because he's on the subway at the time.

[11:39] And it's stalled between stations on the track.

Dan McCoy

[11:41] I got to talk to Timothy.

[11:43] I think these Timothy Ola pants may be a bad venture on his part.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] I mean, it's a better venture than his last one.

[11:49] Timothy Ola fan's elephant pants, which were pants for elephants with his signature on

[11:54] the side.

Stuart Wellington

[11:55] Which is also his signature, of course, being his poop.

S3

[11:59] For the folks at home, speaking as a fan of the show, sitting right here and watching these

[12:04] tangents take place is, if anything, even more fascinating than listening to them.

Stuart Wellington

[12:08] Oh, sure.

[12:09] Yeah, a lot of it's Dan checking his phone, double checking how to spell Oliphant.

Elliott Kalan

[12:13] A look of horror on their faces as I talk about Timothy Ola fan pooping.

[12:16] Anyway, she's divorced from Timothy Ola fan.

[12:18] They have two kids together.

[12:19] And then a house full of their kids' friends who get to see Jennifer Aniston walking around

[12:23] in a towel for some reason.

[12:24] That had to have been a dress, right?

[12:26] No, it was a towel.

S3

[12:26] It was one of those towels that has like some, uh, uh, what's that?

[12:31] Why are you tapping your chest?

[12:32] Are you dying?

[12:32] Because that's where you have to.

[12:33] I'm having an episode.

[12:35] No, it has like a Velcro latch thingy so you can wear it around the house in front of

[12:38] your kids' and kids' friends.

Stuart Wellington

[12:39] Okay.

[12:40] So she's just trying to instill some kind of deep-seated mom fetishism in these youngsters.

Elliott Kalan

[12:46] Exactly.

[12:46] Yes.

[12:47] Yes.

[12:47] Because she's worried they won't grow up with the kind of natural mom fetishism all Americans

[12:51] have.

[12:51] Yeah.

[12:53] Okay.

[12:53] Like you, Dan.

[12:54] Let's talk about it.

[12:55] Uh, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[12:56] So American Pie, the Dan story.

[12:59] Mm-hmm.

[13:00] How's that screenplay going?

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] It's called American Pie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] I'm still in the research phase.

Elliott Kalan

[13:05] Still trying to figure out what...

[13:07] Still trying to lose it?

[13:08] Yeah.

S3

[13:10] What food are you going to fuck in this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[13:13] It'd be weird if it was an American Pie movie and there was some other kind of food on the

[13:18] chopping block.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] It's called American Pie colon UK semester in London and it's a meat pie that he has sex

[13:26] with this time.

Dan McCoy

[13:26] Some steak and kidney pud.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Yeah, like a shepherd's pie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:29] Yeah.

[13:30] I said that way grosser than anything I've said tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[13:34] So Jennifer Aniston, she's an interior designer.

[13:36] Her ex-husband tells her...

[13:38] She thinks her ex-husband wants to get back together with her.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] What does that fellow do for a living?

[13:42] Timothy Oliphant?

[13:43] Yeah.

[13:43] Something very expensive.

[13:44] Has a lot of money.

[13:45] He's a male prostitute.

[13:48] You know, I guess that makes sense.

[13:49] He's worth it.

[13:51] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[13:52] He charges upwards of $100 a night.

[13:54] A real dream of a man.

S3

[13:54] I mean, I guess that sounds...

[13:56] Maybe he's playing Timothy Oliphant and that's just...

[13:58] He's living off...

[13:59] He's justified.

[14:00] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[14:01] Now, the whole movie takes place in Atlanta, Georgia, which we are told no less than a thousand

[14:04] times throughout the length of the movie.

[14:07] Does anyone have a Georgia accent in this?

[14:08] No, they do not.

[14:09] They are all very clearly transplants to Atlanta from outside of the country because what this

[14:14] movie is really about is, one, the gentrification and kind of hip, trendy real estate ability

[14:19] of Atlanta, Georgia, or Hotlanda, as it's also sometimes called.

[14:23] Now, continuing.

[14:25] She thinks her ex-husband's going to tell her, hey, I want to get back together.

[14:28] No, he tells her, I got married.

Stuart Wellington

[14:29] Are there any other Atlanta signifiers?

[14:31] Like, do you see anybody wrap their lips around a big glass of sweet tea?

[14:37] No.

[14:37] Paperboy rapping?

[14:39] Yeah.

[14:40] Paperboy from the TV show Atlanta.

[14:42] Exactly.

[14:43] Are there any real housewives wandering about this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] I mean, kind of.

[14:47] Yeah.

[14:48] I mean, everyone who appears in the movie seems to be a friend of Gary Marshall's who gets

[14:51] to look at the camera and say a line or, like, hurry past the camera giggling at some

[14:55] point.

[14:56] So much of this movie is like an Archie comic where in the first panel there would always

[15:00] be a close-up.

[15:01] Someone would be in the foreground laughing at the joke that was being said in the background.

[15:05] Just like a pretty girl would be smiling in the foreground looking back at Archie and

[15:10] Jughead as like, those two jokers.

[15:12] And you'd be like, who's this character?

[15:13] Why is she so prominently placed?

[15:15] Like, Dan DeCarlo explained this to me.

S3

[15:16] There's a lot of establishing shots of extras that linger for like a second or two too long.

Stuart Wellington

[15:22] Yeah.

[15:23] And ADR that's thrown in there where you're like, one of these girls has a crush on Tim

[15:28] Tebow?

[15:28] Why do I have to know that?

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] That was, yeah, that was a bit of ADR.

[15:32] What's his face?

[15:32] The other football player.

[15:33] I don't care.

[15:34] Tom Brady.

[15:35] Yeah.

[15:35] At one point, some teenage girls were walking by and you just hear from ADR, Tom Brady's

[15:39] so hot.

[15:40] And that's it.

[15:41] Like, is he an Atlanta player?

[15:42] Like, what?

[15:43] I don't even know what team he's on.

[15:45] Like, the Denver Cheese Boys?

Stuart Wellington

[15:47] Is that because later on when a soccer ball is kicked and it lands on the ground, it looks

[15:51] partially deflated?

[15:53] Maybe because of this whole deflate gate shenanigans I've heard about and didn't pay attention

[15:58] to?

S3

[15:59] That joke lands about as well as 98% of the punchlines in this movie.

[16:04] Sure.

[16:04] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] Now, let me get back on track with the plot.

[16:09] I want to talk about it real fast.

[16:10] We're going to talk about how stupid the movie is.

Dan McCoy

[16:11] I'm just saying that the reveal of Timothy the Oliphant having remarried is the

[16:15] most obvious thing.

[16:16] Like, we all saw it coming down the pike from the moment that he said, I have something

[16:20] to talk to you about.

[16:21] Oh, there was not.

[16:22] There was no plot point in this movie that is not predictable.

Elliott Kalan

[16:25] From the moment that Paul, what, 20 minutes into the movie said, oh, that character is

[16:30] secretly that character's daughter.

[16:31] Yeah.

[16:32] Which did not pay off until an hour later into the film.

[16:35] It was like, I was impressed by that.

[16:37] But also, everything else was super obvious.

[16:40] It was like, oh.

Stuart Wellington

[16:40] I was shocked as soon as, like, I thought we were going to have to up our game to keep

[16:45] pace with this shit.

[16:47] That apparently we invited a swami into Dan's home.

S3

[16:49] To be fair, I was standing next to the telegraph operator with her telegraphing that incredibly

[16:54] obvious plot point.

[16:56] So.

[16:57] Julia Roberts.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] So Jennifer Aniston, she's crushed to find out that Timothy Olyphant has actually married

[17:03] his girlfriend, a much younger woman, because Jennifer Aniston.

Stuart Wellington

[17:07] Named Totino or something.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] Yeah.

[17:08] No, her name is Tina.

[17:10] She keeps saying, Totina?

[17:12] Totina?

[17:13] And to the Olyphant, stop saying Totina.

[17:14] It sounds for all the world like a plug for Totina's Pizza Rules that they couldn't quite

[17:18] pull off, so they aborted it part of the way through.

[17:22] You just heard Gary Marshall was just in little earbuds in their ear going, pull up, pull up.

[17:26] Forget the Totino's plug.

[17:28] I'll just give the money back to them.

[17:30] I'm not a McElroy.

[17:32] I can't figure out how to make it work.

[17:34] Then, that's one storyline.

[17:36] So she's dealing with, her kids are now with their dad and their stepmom, and she has to

[17:42] deal with, what's going on in my life right now?

[17:44] I understand there's too many surprises going on.

[17:46] My kids are spending too much time over at my husband's glass house.

[17:49] I want to throw a rock through it, like on that one Billy Joel album cover.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] Or that movie with Lili Sobieski in it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] Oh yeah, was that called Glass House?

[17:55] Glass House, yeah.

[17:56] Yeah.

[17:57] Storyline numero dos.

[17:59] Jason Sudeikis.

[18:01] What?

[18:02] Was married to Jennifer Garner.

[18:05] You said was.

[18:07] That's because, unfortunately, she was killed while serving with her armed forces.

[18:11] She's a Marine.

[18:12] She loves karaoke.

[18:13] She's dead now.

[18:14] That's her entire character.

[18:15] Rest in peace.

[18:15] Hooah.

[18:16] There's a moment where, Semper Fi, karaoke.

[18:20] There's a moment where he is watching a video of her performing karaoke, and he has two daughters,

[18:27] and the daughter walks in and goes, Mom loved karaoke.

[18:29] As if the audience was so dumb that we couldn't get that.

[18:33] The one moment we're seeing of this woman.

[18:35] Why is she singing into a microphone?

[18:37] Was she a professional singer on a USO tour?

Stuart Wellington

[18:40] And they're like, oh, he's watching a video of his dead wife and not a stranger doing karaoke.

S3

[18:46] I thought she was just watching a Jennifer Garner movie.

[18:49] I thought Jennifer Garner was like.

[18:50] Is this going to 30?

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] Is this an episode of Alias that's shot in higher definition than the other episodes of Alias?

Elliott Kalan

[18:56] Was James Garner on the James Corden.

Stuart Wellington

[18:58] James Garner.

[18:59] James Garner.

Elliott Kalan

[18:59] Was Jennifer Garner on the James Corden show doing carpool karaoke?

[19:03] Was James Garner Jennifer Garner's dead?

[19:06] Was James Garner Jennifer Garner the whole time?

Stuart Wellington

[19:10] Now I really want to see, like, James Garner on an episode of Lip Sync Battle.

Dan McCoy

[19:16] And we never can.

[19:17] He won't because he passed away.

[19:18] It will never happen.

Stuart Wellington

[19:19] Well, that's why I want it to happen.

[19:21] I want him to be alive.

[19:22] Can I mourn my own way?

[19:25] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[19:26] Speaking of mourning, Jason Sudeikis is in mourning.

[19:29] Jason Sudeikis is mourning and grieving for his wife.

[19:32] He runs a gym.

[19:33] He's mourning in the morning.

[19:33] This one group of three women who hang out at the gym.

[19:38] The gym he owns.

[19:39] Yeah, the gym he owns and is the only employee of.

[19:41] And which he alternates between wearing.

[19:43] Is his name Jim?

[19:44] According to Jim.

[19:46] He was named after it.

[19:47] According to Jim, his name is Jim.

[19:50] Let me look up in the Jim-shin-ary.

[19:54] He has these three women who are always trying to set him up.

[19:57] But he's not quite ready yet.

[19:59] His wife only passed away indeterminate time ago.

[20:01] They're kind of like the three fates for him, right?

[20:02] Two years, I think.

[20:02] Oh, yes.

[20:03] Yes.

[20:05] I think.

Dan McCoy

[20:05] Oh, okay.

[20:06] Well, I'll say yes.

S3

[20:07] You're right.

[20:08] Weren't they saying this is the first Mother's Day without mom?

[20:10] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[20:11] Well, then that's pretty early for him to be thinking about moving on, actually.

[20:15] Well, but he's not.

[20:15] They want him to.

[20:16] Yeah.

[20:16] No, I'm saying that they shouldn't be pushing him that much.

[20:21] I'm arguing with the movie at this point.

[20:23] Yes.

[20:23] Like, come on, movie.

[20:24] Because the movie very much more.

[20:25] One year after a tragic death?

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] Well, it's like the movie is kind of like one of those old farce plays where a lot of crazy things can happen,

[20:33] but at the end all the characters have to be paired up into marriage bonds so that society can reassert its sense of order.

[20:40] Gary Marshall is like, no, no, no, young man of breeding age.

[20:43] Even though you're on the older end of the scale and your wife has sadly perished,

[20:46] you must pair bond with an attractive female so that you can continue to live the way God intended.

[20:53] It's a killer Gary Marshall impersonation.

[20:54] It's me, Gary Marshall.

[20:55] I thought Paul F. Tompkins was sitting in the room for a moment.

[20:59] I don't like these references to other things.

Stuart Wellington

[21:02] Well, it's like that movie Witching and Bitching I recommended a while ago, the Alex de la Iglesia movie,

[21:10] where, like, for whatever reason, even the bad guys and the good guys are all at the one character's kids play at the end.

[21:18] They're all just, like, hanging out in the audience enjoying themselves.

[21:21] Like, it doesn't matter.

[21:22] It was fun.

[21:23] Don't worry about it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] Now, there are two other storylines, but they are actually kind of one and the same.

[21:29] Julia Roberts is a successful author turned jewelry pitchman on the Home Shopping Network.

[21:34] Or on a Home Shopping Network.

[21:36] It says HSN right there in the corner.

[21:38] Does it?

[21:38] Yeah.

[21:39] But it could be like her shopping network.

[21:41] Like, maybe it's a different one.

[21:42] Mm-hmm.

[21:43] And she spends most of the movie pitching jewelry.

[21:46] But that's somehow related, mystery, I think, to there's a bar called Shorty's.

[21:52] There's a waitress at it who's...

[21:54] Why is it called Shorty's, Elliot?

[21:56] It is owned by a dwarf, Dan.

[21:57] That's why it's called Shorty's.

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] Somehow more offensive than the Shorty's Skateboard Company t-shirts that had a baby climbing out of a woman's vagina on them.

[22:08] I mean, that's where they come from.

[22:10] Except for mine.

[22:11] This kid in my high school had one of those shirts, and I was so jealous of this weird, super gross shirt.

Dan McCoy

[22:17] Like, all I have is this enormous Johnson shirt.

[22:20] You're like, I want to masturbate to that shirt.

[22:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:24] There's nothing sexier than a baby crawling out of a woman's vagina.

[22:27] That was a really good impression of me, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] Dan, do another Stuart impression.

[22:33] It's me, Stuart.

[22:34] I love beer.

Stuart Wellington

[22:35] Are there two Stuarts here now?

[22:37] Oh, wow.

[22:38] What the Christ is going on?

[22:39] Which one's a real Stuart?

Elliott Kalan

[22:41] Who do I shoot?

Stuart Wellington

[22:43] Listening to a mirror.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] It's like an audio mirror.

[22:47] Dan, do another one.

Stuart Wellington

[22:48] That was a clue for you to shoot him, because that's something only Stuart would say.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] Dan, do an impression of me now.

Dan McCoy

[22:54] Hey, I'm Elliot.

[22:56] Elliot Kalin.

[22:57] You got me.

Elliott Kalan

[22:57] Of the Flophouse.

[22:59] That's the kind of thing I would say.

[23:00] Now do Paul.

[23:02] A heel?

S3

[23:03] There it is.

[23:04] Oh, wow.

[23:05] That's just like how I heel.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] Old country boy Paul.

[23:09] Dan, do Johnny Carson.

Dan McCoy

[23:12] Oh, some weird, wild stuff.

[23:15] Okay.

[23:16] Now do Ronald McDonald.

[23:19] Have some diabetes, kids.

[23:22] Now do the entire movie Mac and Me.

[23:24] All right.

[23:25] So we open on a house.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] Okay.

[23:27] Let's go back to Mother's Day, shall we?

[23:30] Hilarious bit.

[23:31] Dan the Impressionist.

[23:32] Continue.

[23:33] Anyway.

[23:34] So Shorty's is the home of a waitress and a bartender who are in love.

[23:39] They have a child together.

[23:41] A young girl.

[23:41] Part of an enormous staff.

[23:42] It's for the number of, I mean, the one time we see Shorty's full is when it is morning,

[23:48] like a week before Mother's Day.

[23:49] And it is packed.

Stuart Wellington

[23:51] Yeah.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:52] Being in the biz, I know the week before Mother's Day, it's a real crush at the bar.

Dan McCoy

[23:57] It's like a movie strip club.

[23:59] Like when you see a strip club in a movie where it's like everyone's at the strip club at 10

[24:03] a.m. for some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[24:04] Yeah.

[24:04] And you want to invest in that business.

[24:06] Yeah.

[24:06] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[24:09] This bar is like, yeah, I don't know whether it's like we're taking our mothers out for a drink.

[24:14] It's like, I don't know what else to do with my mom.

[24:16] She's visiting me.

[24:17] Let's take her down to the local dwarf owned establishment.

[24:22] That'll make it a little easier to take her criticism of all the margaritas in.

Stuart Wellington

[24:27] The place where at least one of the waitresses has a child and another waitress is working while pregnant.

[24:32] She is literally working about 12 months pregnant.

[24:35] Yeah.

[24:36] I think she is working till the moment her water breaks.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] She does in the movie.

[24:40] Yeah.

[24:41] She's working for two and they are.

[24:44] They have a child together, but the waitress doesn't want to get married.

[24:48] The bartender keeps popping the question and she keeps saying no.

[24:51] She's afraid of the marriage not going well.

Stuart Wellington

[24:53] Did I mention he has an English accent?

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] Yes.

[24:55] And he's English and he's also an up and coming stand up comic.

[24:59] Oh, get ready for laughs.

[25:00] He appears regularly at John Lovitz's comic club, comedy club.

[25:05] I was going to say comic hall.

[25:07] It's a comedy club where there is a competition for a $5,000 prize.

[25:11] And let me tell you, this comedy club, it's not an easy crowd.

[25:15] It's the easiest crowd.

[25:17] Because Dan, describe to me how well everyone's jokes go over.

Dan McCoy

[25:21] They are laughing as if Louis C.K. and Richard Pryor had sex on the stage.

[25:29] That would be hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] That wouldn't be awkward at all, Dan.

[25:33] I got a picture of this.

[25:34] Who's on top?

[25:36] Richard, of course, unless it's after the accident.

[25:38] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[25:39] Yeah.

[25:40] So as realistic as this very warm crowd is.

Elliott Kalan

[25:45] They're laughing at the introductions of people's names.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] I think the only thing that really took me out of the movie was when a baby is presented with a $5,000 giant novelty check.

[25:56] It lists the name of the club as Buckhead Comedy Club, as opposed to some stupid pun on jokes or chuckles or like Mr. Giggle Factory or something.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] It should have been like, yeah, funny bone laugh-em-ups.

[26:09] Uncle Yuck Yucks.

[26:10] Yeah.

[26:11] Oh, Uncle Yuck Yuck.

[26:13] No.

[26:13] He went to jail.

[26:16] Or Dan.

[26:18] No, I said poor Uncle Yuck Yuck.

[26:19] Oh, I thought you said or.

[26:20] Anyway, did I say there were three storylines in this movie?

[26:22] And then I went through three.

[26:23] Surprise!

[26:24] Surprise!

[26:24] There's a fourth storyline, and it's all about lies and deceit.

[26:29] And when lies and deceit become sexual.

[26:32] By sexual, I mean stupid and hackneyed.

[26:35] Because it turns out that Kate Hudson is married to Asif Manvi.

[26:38] Way to look.

[26:39] Great for Asif.

[26:40] Hey, great for Kate.

Stuart Wellington

[26:41] I mean, Asif's a funny dude.

[26:43] He is a funny dude, but let's.

[26:45] She's a big star.

[26:46] She's great.

[26:47] She's America's sweetheart, et cetera.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] She's America's fool's gold.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] And her sister.

Elliott Kalan

[26:51] She's a little bit of heaven.

[26:53] And her.

[26:54] Well, no, she wasn't a little bit of heaven.

[26:56] She wasn't?

[26:56] I thought she was.

[26:57] Peter Dinklage was a little bit of heaven.

[26:58] So wait.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] But how do you lose a guy in 10 days?

[27:02] It's a failure to launch, I guess.

[27:03] Maybe he's almost famous?

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] Have we covered all the Kate Hudson?

[27:07] Skeleton Key.

[27:09] Wow.

[27:09] What else was she in?

[27:10] That was a good pull.

[27:11] I remember when a friend of mine was writing a screenplay that was a New Orleans set ghost thriller.

[27:21] Who was Russian?

[27:22] Wait.

[27:23] No, it was Selma Hayek.

[27:25] And with a female lead.

[27:26] And then I was like, I've got some bad news for you.

[27:28] This movie just came out called Skeleton Key.

[27:30] And she was like, damn it.

[27:32] Threw her script away.

[27:34] Threw it in the ocean.

[27:37] Where it was eaten by an octopus.

[27:41] That octopus then sold that script.

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:43] For a million dollars.

[27:44] That's the ironic part.

Stuart Wellington

[27:45] That octopus is now named Max Lantus.

Elliott Kalan

[27:50] Max Lantus.

[27:52] He's typing away at four different screenplays at once with his eight arms.

[27:57] Anyway.

[27:58] Kate Hudson's sister is married to, what's her name?

[28:02] Carmen Esposito?

[28:03] Cameron Esposito.

[28:04] Cameron Esposito.

[28:05] I make that mistake a lot.

[28:06] Max Fun alum.

[28:08] And their mom is Margo Martindale.

[28:11] And Margo Martindale is kind of like an old Texas red state hick.

[28:14] Who does not approve of Kate Hudson having once dated an Indian.

[28:18] And her other daughter.

[28:19] She has even no idea.

Stuart Wellington

[28:20] Her other daughter played by new Becky, Sarah Chalky.

[28:23] Oh, right, right.

[28:24] Chalky, right?

[28:25] Chalky?

[28:26] I call her Scrubzy.

[28:29] Like when?

[28:30] When you're having dinner with your parents?

[28:32] When you hang out?

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] Is she listed as Scrubzy in your phone contacts?

[28:37] Maybe.

[28:39] It says Scrubzy.

[28:41] And then when you look at it, just a note that says, put Sarah Chalky's name here, phone

[28:45] number here when I get it.

[28:47] Anyway.

[28:48] It's aspirational, Elliot.

[28:50] Margo Martindale is driving around in her RV and she is as racist and homophobic as the

[28:55] day is long.

[28:56] To the point that her daughters have lied to her for years about their lives.

[29:00] Kate Hudson is married and has a child.

[29:03] And Cameron Esposito is married and has a child.

[29:05] The children are not babies.

[29:07] They've been around for years.

[29:09] And they've been lying to their mother and father, who is essentially a non-entity, about

[29:13] their lifestyle.

[29:15] But uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[29:15] I kind of want to find out how they were able to maintain this elaborate lie.

S3

[29:19] Well, they, while we were talking over a lot of the movie, they were talking about how they,

[29:24] the parents live down in Texas and they live in a trailer park and there were jokes about

Stuart Wellington

[29:29] their having a rotary phone.

[29:30] I guess Paul's right.

[29:32] I should pay more attention to the movies we watch.

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] I'll tell you how they do it.

[29:36] Most of the brilliant Sutterfuge involved every time that Kate Hudson was-

[29:41] Sutterfuge?

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] Is that when Kurt Sutter, showrunner of TV's Sons of Anarchy?

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] Yes, goes into a fugue state and creates the bastard executioner.

Dan McCoy

[29:49] The ironic thing was I was going to let that go.

[29:52] Of all the people to allow Elliot to-

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] I got to stick up for my boy Dan over here.

[29:58] I appreciate that.

[29:59] I appreciate that.

[29:59] Hey, you know what, Dan?

[30:01] Welcome, Stuart.

[30:03] Okay, you're going to jail, Dan.

[30:05] How'd this turn back on me?

[30:06] I don't understand.

[30:08] Boomerang Donya, starring Eddie Murphy.

[30:12] From the movie Boomerang Donya.

[30:14] It was the sequel to Boomerang for anyone who didn't get it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:18] When Boomerang came out, I was so-

[30:21] It was rated R and I'm like, I want to see this fucking movie so bad.

[30:25] It's got to be so hilarious.

[30:26] Were you saying that to your mom?

[30:28] Yeah, I was like, mom, you fucking bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[30:30] Don't take me to see Vern.

[30:31] Don't take me to Boomerang.

Dan McCoy

[30:33] I thought you were going to say you were so mad that the character wasn't named Max Boomerang.

Stuart Wellington

[30:37] I mean, when I watch it, I'm like, I don't even get why it's called Boomerang.

[30:40] Nobody uses one.

[30:42] It didn't make any sense to me.

[30:44] You thought Paul Hogan was going to be in it.

[30:45] I was hoping.

[30:46] Or Yahoo!

[30:47] Serious.

[30:48] Or Paul Hogan's brother, Hulk.

[30:50] Wait, they're-

Elliott Kalan

[30:51] Yes, one's American and one's Australian.

[30:53] Yeah, just like Jennifer Garner and James Garner.

[30:55] Our brother and sister.

[30:59] Jennifer Garner has one of those Dorian Gray paintings.

[31:02] She's actually as old as James Garner.

[31:04] Oh, wow.

[31:05] James Garner got one of those paintings, but it didn't work, so he returned it.

[31:09] To Spencer's gifts, I guess?

[31:11] Yeah.

[31:14] Now, they-

[31:16] But unfortunately-

[31:17] Oh, so here's the subterfuge that Kate Hudson usually puts together.

[31:23] When her mom Skypes her, she takes down the one picture of her family off the wall so that her mom can't see it.

[31:32] You know, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world Asif Manvi wasn't married to him.

S3

[31:37] As opposed to moving anywhere else in the entire house, their entire Pottery Barn catalog of a house-

[31:42] Nope.

[31:43] That doesn't have pictures of her brown family.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] That laptop does not move.

[31:47] Nope.

[31:47] And let's talk about-

[31:49] Well, Stuart, you're going to say something, and then we'll talk about the interior design of this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] I don't know what's worse.

[31:53] Lying to her mom and dad that there's a grandchild.

[31:59] Yeah, they have a child.

[32:00] Or that she's been lying to her husband, her life partner, that her parents are-

[32:06] She claims that they live in a, what, a mental hospital or something?

[32:10] Yeah, hospice or something.

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] Like, which lie's worse, guys?

[32:16] She's like, my parents live in the hospital from the kingdom.

[32:19] You don't want to go visit them.

[32:20] It's full of ghosts.

[32:22] All sorts of crazy shit's going to happen.

[32:23] That makes sense.

[32:24] You're right, and I'm a doctor, and I don't want to go to that hospital.

S3

[32:27] Parents live in the hospital from Constantine, and nobody's in it ever.

[32:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[32:31] Except for Satan.

[32:33] Udo Kier shows up, and you're like, this has got to be a horror movie, because he doesn't do non-horror movies.

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] Look, if you're in a doctor's office waiting room, and Udo Kier walks in, you get the fuck out of that doctor's office.

Stuart Wellington

[32:45] You sell him a painting that's cursed, and you get out of there.

Elliott Kalan

[32:51] Same way that if you're the president of the United States, and Max von Sydow walks in and goes,

[32:55] Mr. President, I have that report.

[32:56] You get out of the White House.

[32:58] You do not want to be president anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[33:00] You like about Mr. President?

S3

[33:01] I thought we were best friends.

[33:04] The impersonations are just flying thick on this episode.

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] I've been working on my Van Sydow impression for quite a while.

[33:13] It involves making my tongue three times as large as it normally is.

[33:19] It's already shrunk back down to normal size.

[33:21] It'll take me about 20 minutes to work it back up.

[33:23] Let me start slapping it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:25] Oh, God.

[33:26] Hit it with this hammer, and then we'll get back to you.

[33:30] So, Margo Martindale, uh-oh, for a Mother's Day surprise.

[33:34] She is going to show up by surprise.

[33:36] Now, everything works out fine in the end.

[33:40] So let's not even bother talking about what happens to everybody.

[33:43] Who cares?

[33:43] It turns out that the English wannabe stand-up comics girlfriend is afraid of commitment

[33:49] because her mother was Julia Roberts, and she gave her away for adoption.

[33:53] Other than that, everything happens exactly the way you think it's going to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] So, Paul, you called that.

[33:58] I did.

[33:58] How are you going to spend your winnings?

[34:00] Your trifecta?

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] My huge $5,000 baby check?

[34:03] Yeah.

[34:04] The baby wins the stand-up comedy competition.

[34:07] Like everyone knew it was going to happen.

[34:08] Like everyone knew it was going to happen.

[34:09] Jennifer Aniston falls in love with Jason Sudeikis.

[34:11] I mean, come on.

[34:12] He's got a little beard.

[34:13] Margo Martindale comes around to not being racist anymore when she meets Asif Manvi's mom.

Stuart Wellington

[34:18] Jason Sudeikis manages to do a karaoke version of Humpty Dance, which is terrible because it's Mother's Day themed.

Elliott Kalan

[34:26] And there was one other thing that happened that actually was crazy, and I don't remember.

S3

[34:31] Well, there was Cameron Esposito and Second Becky made a Mother's Day float, a womb-shaped Mother's Day float.

[34:39] Oh, for the Mother's Day parade.

[34:41] Because they're lesbians, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] Oh, and also, and of course, Jennifer Aniston proves—

Stuart Wellington

[34:44] It also looked like if you combined a vagina and a brick oven pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] I can see that.

[34:49] It was like a funnel on a brick oven pizza.

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:52] And Jennifer Aniston throws a huge party involving still-walking clowns, and then later proves that she's the real mom because there is an asthma scare with her son.

[35:00] And she's the only one who knows where his backup inhaler is.

Stuart Wellington

[35:03] In a way, that brick oven pizza vagina kind of reinforces my statement that we're all kind of like pizzas, right, guys?

[35:11] I guess.

[35:12] The cheese is the skin.

[35:13] The sauce is the blood.

[35:15] The crust is the bone.

[35:16] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[35:17] And the crust on the top is teeth when your bone sticks out of your face.

Stuart Wellington

[35:19] Which kind of like a Toad the Wet Sprocket song.

[35:21] Which part is the body of Christ again?

[35:24] The box, maybe?

[35:25] The pepperonis.

[35:27] The little plastic table that keeps it from cold nights.

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] Yeah, what does that represent?

[35:31] I guess, yeah, the Trinity?

[35:32] That was when I carried juice, my son.

[35:34] That's when I carried the top of the box.

[35:36] That was when I stacked the pizza boxes.

[35:38] Now, there's two things I want to talk about.

[35:40] One, interior design.

[35:42] Let's just set that aside.

[35:43] Everything in this looks like a restoration hardware catalog.

[35:45] Everyone is that level of rich in movies like this where they can afford anything and they have jobs like interior designer or, in Timothy Olyphant's case, guy.

[35:57] It seems.

Dan McCoy

[35:58] Yeah, well, I mean, I think he was like a linen suit model, probably.

Stuart Wellington

[36:02] Well, that's why it seems so ridiculous that Julia Roberts' character would give her daughter up for adoption to pursue a career when, in theory, she's just going to earn money.

[36:13] It will just appear and she'll have nice things.

[36:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:16] And I realized earlier we said a baby wins a stand-up comedy competition.

[36:20] It's just the guy carries the baby on stage with him and does a baby-themed set.

[36:24] And everyone's like, aw, a baby.

[36:26] Although the real star of the show is the fat gay man in the front row that he banters with during the act.

Stuart Wellington

[36:30] But they still give the check to the baby.

[36:33] I mean, there's a bunch of other comics who don't get a check because of that.

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] Can you imagine?

[36:38] You've been going to Bulkhead's Comedy Pavilion or whatever it is.

[36:41] Buckhead's Comedy Place for comedy camp.

[36:45] Depot.

[36:46] Yeah.

[36:47] Discount Comedy Barn.

[36:49] Buy it in bulk for weeks to get this $5,000 check.

[36:53] And on the last day, a baby swoops in and takes it from you.

[36:56] I would be so mad.

[36:58] I'd be on WTF the next week complaining about that.

[37:02] And Mark Maron would be like, ah, that's interesting.

[37:04] That's interesting.

[37:05] Where'd your parents grow up?

[37:06] What did your dad do for a living?

Dan McCoy

[37:07] He's like, we used to have beef, but...

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] Tell me, this baby, did I know them?

[37:12] Was I mad at them?

[37:13] Did they not like me?

Stuart Wellington

[37:14] Hey, baby, who are your guys?

[37:17] Who are your guys?

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] Anyway.

[37:20] A lot of shade going around here all of a sudden.

[37:22] A podcast shade.

Stuart Wellington

[37:23] I would say it's more we...

[37:26] Envy?

[37:27] Yeah.

[37:28] Certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] Punching up.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:33] Right?

[37:33] I wish someone had punched up this script.

[37:36] Oh!

[37:37] So I said I would place interior design on the side, and then we talked about it anyway.

[37:41] So they're all rich.

[37:42] It doesn't matter.

[37:42] Jennifer Aniston can, on a moment's whim, throw a huge party involving...

[37:46] Like a $40,000 to $50,000 party.

[37:48] Did you just say Jennifer Garner?

[37:49] I thought I said Jennifer Aniston.

Stuart Wellington

[37:50] She's a ghost at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] I'm sorry, Jennifer Garner, rest in peace.

[37:53] Jennifer Aniston, Ken on a whim.

[37:55] Overnight, playing this $40,000 to $50,000 kids party with a huge inflatable water slide,

[38:00] clowns on stilts, a petting zoo, and the clown gives her very good life advice while wearing

[38:07] creepy makeup.

[38:08] And, I mean, he's a clown.

[38:10] Yeah, unlike normal clown makeup.

[38:13] Which is sensible.

[38:13] Just like business clown.

[38:16] Business clown.

[38:16] I'm a regular business clown.

[38:18] So that's the richness.

[38:20] But also, Mother's Day in this movie, and look, I have a mom.

[38:23] I'm married to a mom.

[38:24] Mother's Day is going to be a bit...

[38:25] I mean, we're celebrating on Saturday with my mom and on Sunday with my wife.

[38:29] It's her day.

[38:30] It's like...

[38:31] Because Sunday is actual Mother's Day.

[38:33] It's a special day.

[38:34] They treat it in this movie like it's Christmas and Easter and Passover and Ramadan wrapped

[38:41] up into one sacred day.

Dan McCoy

[38:42] If any crazy event happens during the day, they're like, oh, this was a crazy Mother's

[38:48] Day, right?

[38:49] And it's like, no one remembers that it's Mother's Day on Mother's Day.

Elliott Kalan

[38:53] In the lead up to Mother's Day, all anyone can talk about is Mother's Day.

[38:56] Even the guy whose mother...

[38:58] The mother he's married to is dead.

[39:00] All they can talk about is Mother's Day.

Dan McCoy

[39:01] Mother's Day is going to be so difficult this year.

[39:04] What are you doing for Mother's Day?

[39:05] You got your Mother's Day gift, Shep?

Stuart Wellington

[39:07] Yeah, a guy wrecks his car.

[39:09] He's like, I can't believe I wrecked my car right before Mother's Day.

S3

[39:14] Are we going to go out and sing Mother's Day carols tomorrow?

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] A bunch of terrorists are about to hijack a plane.

[39:20] They're like, no, no, no.

[39:21] It's Mother's Day.

[39:22] They've had enough.

[39:23] Let's do this for the mothers and just give them a rest.

[39:27] Yeah, maybe...

[39:28] The armies are massing at the border between our world and hell.

[39:32] And he goes, wait.

[39:34] It's Mother's Day.

[39:36] I should be with my mom.

Stuart Wellington

[39:38] Give them this.

[39:39] He goes over, hits play on his CD player, and it goes, mother.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] Tell your children to walk your way.

[39:48] Tell your children to call regularly.

[39:50] Oh, he's got like a novelty version?

[39:52] Oh, mother.

[39:54] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] You are singing the version of that song that would have been the karaoke version if it was

[40:02] done in this movie.

[40:03] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[40:05] Yeah.

[40:05] So, feel bad about that, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[40:07] And if you want to get brunch with me.

[40:10] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:11] Yeah, this is an alternate.

[40:12] This is like a...

[40:13] This is like a Twilight Zone.

[40:14] It might as well be a Twilight Zone episode where at the beginning, they're like, consider

[40:18] if you will.

[40:19] Mm-hmm.

[40:20] A universe.

[40:21] That's your Rod Serling?

[40:23] Wait, hold on.

[40:24] Consider if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] You've got to talk through your teeth more.

[40:28] Would that it were so simple?

Dan McCoy

[40:30] More through your teeth.

[40:34] A world where mothers...

Elliott Kalan

[40:35] Don't move your jaw at all.

[40:36] Like you're used to having a cigarette in there.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[40:39] A little less deep.

[40:40] Keep your lips shut the entire time.

[40:43] Okay, now just talk through your nose.

[40:48] Okay, now as if he's got like a bad cough.

[40:50] A world where...

[40:52] A world...

[40:52] Okay, now he's really sleepy.

Dan McCoy

[40:56] Okay, now he's drunk.

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] Okay, now he's Italian.

Dan McCoy

[41:01] Okay, now he's Bane.

[41:03] A world...

[41:04] Wait, hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[41:06] Wow, Bane changed.

[41:07] Batman.

Dan McCoy

[41:08] A world...

[41:09] I can't do it.

Stuart Wellington

[41:10] Okay.

[41:10] He's talking to Tavia from Fiddler.

Elliott Kalan

[41:13] Yeah, he sounds like Tavia.

Elliott Kalan

[41:17] Sounds crazy, no?

[41:19] But in our little village of Atlanta, Georgia...

[41:22] Mother's Day is the most important day, Batman.

[41:26] I was born in the Mother's Day, Batman.

[41:29] Father's Day comes later.

[41:33] So, Dan, okay.

[41:34] It's like a Twilight Zone where Mother's Day is the most important day.

Stuart Wellington

[41:37] Yeah.

[41:37] It is like we wandered into the, like, red universe in Fringe, and everybody's, like, super into Mother's Day and Leonard Nimoy's there.

Dan McCoy

[41:46] Yeah.

[41:47] Sure.

[41:48] Sounds like a magical world.

[41:49] Sure.

[41:49] Fringe.

[41:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:50] Yeah.

[41:51] It was a popular show.

[41:52] There was, like, five or six seasons.

[41:54] Yeah.

[41:54] I'm not talking, like, fucking Supernatural or something.

[41:57] No, sure.

[41:57] Babylon 5.

[41:58] Lots of shows I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] List them all.

[42:01] No.

[42:02] Fringe was a popular show.

Stuart Wellington

[42:04] It's got...

Dan McCoy

[42:04] I mean, not as popular as Supernatural would you compare to it for some reason.

[42:08] No, you're right.

[42:09] I'm just shocked.

[42:09] Supernatural, like, went for, like, 14 seasons or something.

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:12] It's still going.

Stuart Wellington

[42:12] And I don't think they've increased the budget since the first season.

[42:16] They're, like...

[42:16] Fitting broke.

[42:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[42:18] They're, like, now we'll just turn a mustache into a demon wig.

[42:21] Who cares?

[42:23] Cut that mustache off.

Elliott Kalan

[42:28] So, Mother's Day is all everyone talks about.

[42:31] It's a week till Mother's Day.

[42:33] It's Mother's Day coming up.

[42:34] What about the mothers?

[42:35] Mother's Day.

[42:36] Day of all mothers.

[42:38] It's a little overwhelming, even for a movie called Mother's Day.

S3

[42:42] I mean, this movie is pitched so hard, like, so much of Gary Marshall's

[42:46] stuff is pitched so hard to a certain demographic, let's say.

[42:51] In this case, the demographic is mothers.

[42:53] Well, yeah.

[42:53] I feel like it's all of his movies.

[42:54] It might as well have been two hours of a overfilled glass of white wine.

[43:01] This is the Kathie Lee and Hoda of movies.

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] It's like a movie version of an electronic picture frame.

[43:08] It just shows the same seven pictures of your grandkids over and over again.

Stuart Wellington

[43:12] And they managed to sneak in a bunch of jokes about, like, how kids can never take their face away from their cell phones.

Dan McCoy

[43:20] Yeah, there's someone who says, tweet at me at some point.

Stuart Wellington

[43:22] And I got up and stomped around the room because it sounded fucking stupid.

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] Well, then Jennifer Aniston talks about how stupid she thinks.

Stuart Wellington

[43:29] Tweet at me?

[43:30] Did she say tweet at me?

[43:31] No, but I thought it was stupid because it was clearly snuck in there because they're like,

[43:36] old people think Twitter is dumb.

[43:38] Unless they're the president, I guess.

[43:42] In which case, they think Twitter is their lifeline to the American people.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] There's a lot of bad jokes in this movie.

[43:51] And things that are set up as jokes but then aren't.

[43:54] And there's a lot of, I guess, attempts at what would have been jokes.

[43:58] But they're like...

[43:58] They have the form and structure of jokes.

[44:00] But, yeah, there's no there there.

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] And there's definitely some ADR stuff snuck in there to punch up scenes.

S3

[44:06] I was fully expecting at some point in this movie to hear,

[44:09] here comes Slipknot, the man who can climb everything.

[44:13] That was how ADR this movie was.

Stuart Wellington

[44:16] Stuart's favorite character.

[44:17] My favorite ADR line of the year.

[44:18] Give me a second.

[44:19] I'm still processing.

Elliott Kalan

[44:21] So sad about Slipknot.

[44:24] I mean, he just had so much attitude.

[44:27] He was so fully fleshed out.

[44:29] You care.

[44:30] You really cared.

[44:31] You think that guy's going to Slipknot?

[44:34] That's how he got his name, actually.

[44:37] But there's a lot of scenes like...

[44:39] Let me just...

[44:39] I'm just going to tell you one scene.

[44:41] Where Jennifer Aniston is going to her kid's talent show or something.

[44:46] Sure.

[44:46] All I know is it's in the park.

[44:48] Much like everything else in the movie,

[44:49] it is way too high budget for what it's supposed to be,

[44:52] which I guess is supposed to be a kid...

[44:54] Like one of those kid music performance recitals at school.

[44:57] Her older son is playing in the orchestra band.

[45:02] The younger son is going to appear, I guess, in a parade of animal costumes.

[45:07] And she's mad because their stepmother shows up and takes a seat that she was saving.

[45:13] And they argue, but then that fizzles out.

[45:16] And then the son walks out dressed as a lion.

[45:18] But he's put his costume on backwards so the tail looks like a penis.

[45:22] And everyone thinks it's hilarious.

[45:24] I mean, it's pretty funny, dude.

[45:25] End of scene.

[45:27] End of scene.

[45:28] The tension doesn't exist.

[45:30] There's no consequences.

[45:31] It's not even like...

Stuart Wellington

[45:32] What should the consequences be?

[45:34] Off with his head.

[45:36] Fucking 10 days in the isolation cubes.

[45:39] Taken away in cuffs.

Elliott Kalan

[45:40] You have made light of the holy phallus.

[45:44] You shall spend four days in the hot zone.

[45:48] Everyone lines up...

[45:49] Outside the city walls.

[45:50] Oh, the scorch?

[45:51] They stone him like in a Shirley Jackson play.

[45:54] But like, the mom would be embarrassed or people are shocked by it.

[45:59] Maybe there's an old lady and someone covers the old lady's eyes

[46:01] and the old lady pushes their hand away.

[46:03] Then she starts rapping and you're like, whoa, this is getting good.

[46:06] And Jason Stakiss is like, let me handle the rapping, miss.

[46:09] My name is Humpty, et cetera, et cetera.

[46:11] But it's like, in a lot of the scenes, something happens that...

[46:14] Or like, for instance, at the aforementioned very expensive kids party,

[46:18] Timothy Oliphant climbs up to the top of this water slide to get his son,

[46:22] who refuses to leave, to go with him to a Foo Fighters concert.

[46:25] And a little girl...

[46:28] I mean, I kind of empathize with this kid, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[46:30] They're not terrible.

[46:32] I don't love them.

[46:33] Sure, but I think he thinks Dave Grohl just kind of...

[46:36] He's a little icky, you know?

[46:38] Yeah, of course.

[46:39] Someone's projecting.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] He's a little icky.

[46:42] You got to admit, though, two huge bands, that guy's on a Grohl.

[46:46] Oh, God damn it.

[46:47] Anyway, so Timothy Oliphant climbs to the top of this...

[46:49] My soul just left my body.

[46:51] Yep.

[46:52] You're welcome.

[46:53] Tell your body I said you're welcome for the vacation.

S3

[46:56] Did it go to the Soul Asylum, a band he's not in?

[46:59] Oh!

[47:01] I think I know kind of where you're going.

Stuart Wellington

[47:03] Oh, never mind.

[47:06] Okay, all right.

[47:07] That's an album.

[47:08] Oh, come on.

[47:08] It's in the overall theme.

[47:10] That's good.

[47:10] Yeah, it's a shame about Ray.

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] Okay, that doesn't track at all.

[47:15] Hey, you guys are just a bunch of cherry-popping daddies.

S3

[47:19] Not remotely in the genre or local area, but...

Stuart Wellington

[47:23] He prefers to go by cherry-popping Danny.

Elliott Kalan

[47:27] His one-man cherry-popping daddy's tribute back.

[47:30] At least that's what his tattoo says.

S3

[47:33] No, all I can picture is Dan in, like, a full one-man band outfit with, like, the drum.

[47:38] But over a zoot suit.

[47:39] Over a zoot suit.

[47:40] Oh, my God.

Stuart Wellington

[47:40] Just doing cherry-popping daddies.

[47:42] Dan.

[47:42] With a whole lot of cymbal in it.

[47:44] How many new and upgrading donors does MaxFun need to get at the next MaxFun drive for you to get a tattoo that says Cherry-popping Danny on your own?

Elliott Kalan

[47:54] I would settle for Dan performing a demo of zoot suit riot.

Dan McCoy

[48:00] Yeah, I would do that.

[48:01] I don't know about...

[48:02] Start small.

[48:03] How about just some hair?

[48:04] I don't think there's any number that would...

[48:05] Look, Stuart got a tattoo.

[48:06] Let's just start having drinks, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[48:09] Stuart got a tattoo we wanted to get anyway.

[48:12] You don't know that.

[48:13] I mean, Dan, there were...

[48:15] If one of us gets a tattoo, it's big stakes.

[48:18] Really.

[48:18] Because I could not be buried in a synagogue cemetery.

[48:21] I'm not against a tattoo.

[48:21] And you would forever have Cherry-popping Danny branded on you.

[48:25] It's the content of the tattoo.

Stuart Wellington

[48:27] You didn't get a tattoo.

[48:29] No, like, you would show it up and you'd be like, hey, it's kind of funny, right?

[48:33] It's a goof.

[48:34] And you're, like, wiggling your shoulders.

[48:36] It's an ironic tattoo.

[48:37] Look, it's dancing.

[48:38] It's a little ironic, yeah.

[48:40] That's Cherry-popping dancing.

[48:41] Yeah.

[48:43] Come on with me.

[48:45] And he's like, sir, why is your shirt off if you're already...

[48:48] I mean, the idea of this tattoo.

[48:51] Let's get real, guys.

[48:53] Break it down.

[48:54] The reveal should be done, you know, when you already have that special someone in your apartment.

[49:01] Things are real romantic.

[49:02] They probably can't leave at that point.

[49:04] The lights are low.

Elliott Kalan

[49:06] You're drinking champagne.

[49:07] Yeah.

[49:07] Candles.

[49:08] I can see it.

[49:08] Maybe Cherry-popping Daddy's is on the CD.

[49:11] Turn it low, though.

[49:12] It's on the turntable.

Stuart Wellington

[49:14] Because it's got the original vinyl.

[49:15] Yeah, you want to hear that?

[49:16] Yeah, it's just got a warmer sound.

Elliott Kalan

[49:18] Because otherwise, it's, let me show you my tattoo, sir.

[49:21] We can't serve you with this Piggly Wiggly if you don't put your shirt back on.

[49:24] Wait, I'm being served at a Piggly Wiggly?

[49:28] At, like, the deli counter.

[49:29] Pulling a chair up to the meat counter.

[49:32] Or you're getting a sandwich out of Wawa.

Stuart Wellington

[49:34] So you either want a date or a half pound of oven gold turkey.

[49:37] All right.

[49:40] Start pulling shrimp out of a seafood section one at a time with your teeth.

Dan McCoy

[49:44] I'm just going to sit on this watermelon and tell you, sit at a waiter.

Elliott Kalan

[49:49] Sit at a waiter.

[49:51] I don't care if it's not your business model.

[49:53] It is now.

[49:54] I'm the Piggle, so wiggle me.

S3

[49:56] Making a stool out of 20 boxes of Ritz to eat another box of Ritz.

Elliott Kalan

[50:01] I'll pay for it when I'm done, as I would at a restaurant.

[50:05] Sir, do not tell me to put my shirt on and obey store rules.

Dan McCoy

[50:09] Don't expect a tip, I'll tell you that.

Elliott Kalan

[50:11] I thought at Piggly Wiggly it was my way right away.

[50:14] Oh, that's a different place?

[50:15] I apologize.

[50:17] All right.

[50:17] So anyway, what were we even talking about?

[50:21] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[50:21] We were talking about his tattoo.

[50:22] Before the tattoo.

[50:23] The fucking movie.

[50:24] We watched a movie tonight.

[50:26] It's called Mother's Day.

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] Timothy Oliphant has climbed to the top of a water slide, and a little girl is egged on

[50:32] by Jennifer Aniston to turn off the pump that keeps it inflated.

[50:36] Okay, he's going to fall into some water.

[50:38] He's going to fall and hurt himself.

[50:39] It slowly deflates, and Timothy Oliphant steps off of it to, I guess, the mild bemusement

Stuart Wellington

[50:47] of the crowd.

[50:48] The young girl who did it takes her glasses off and then makes a look of shocked amusement

[50:54] because apparently when wearing her glasses she couldn't see what was happening.

Elliott Kalan

[50:58] We are to believe that this little girl is farsighted, and she is wearing her reading glasses.

[51:05] Gary Marshall, I say stop it.

[51:07] Stop trying to purvey these lies to us.

[51:10] You have stopped.

[51:10] You've passed.

[51:11] I'm so sorry, sir.

[51:12] That was insensitive.

Stuart Wellington

[51:13] We'll see you at the crossroads.

Elliott Kalan

[51:15] So you won't be lonely?

[51:18] Is that how it goes?

[51:19] On that note.

[51:20] We have to die.

[51:20] We'll see you at the crossroads.

[51:23] On that note, I think we should.

[51:24] If ever there was a bone thug in harmony, it was Gary Marshall.

Dan McCoy

[51:30] We should move on to final judgments.

[51:32] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[51:35] Stuart, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[51:37] Oh, man.

[51:38] I had such a good time talking about it.

[51:40] What's a good, good movie?

Dan McCoy

[51:44] All right.

[51:44] That was a shocker.

[51:48] I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie.

[51:50] It's not the most offensive movie that we watched.

[51:53] I enjoyed it more than Assassin's Creed.

[51:55] No, it certainly kept my attention more than, I would say.

S3

[52:00] Except for all that time you were checking your phone.

Elliott Kalan

[52:03] Well, but that's, you don't know.

[52:05] You don't know how much it usually checks as well.

[52:07] Or falls asleep during the film.

Dan McCoy

[52:09] This is probably more diverting than 70% of the movies that we watched.

[52:13] But I still can't give it any good rating.

Stuart Wellington

[52:17] Half the time, I'm assuming Dan's astral projecting or something.

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] I'm going to also, I'm going to give it a similar rating.

[52:24] It's not fun enough to be good, bad.

[52:27] It's not a great movie, but like, hey, if given a choice, you put a gun to my head and

[52:32] you said, you want to watch Mother's Day again or you want to watch Home Sweet Hell?

[52:36] Look, there's going to be an Elliot-shaped hole in the VCR as I shove that tape of Mother's

[52:41] Day in.

[52:41] I can't get it in fast enough.

[52:44] Was it released on VHS?

[52:46] Gary Marshall, I assume, asked for a VHS comedy for his home.

S3

[52:50] For him to be buried with?

[52:50] His home at a D.E.

Elliott Kalan

[52:51] Yeah, I mean, for true collectors.

[52:53] And what would you say?

S3

[52:54] Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, it's everything you guys said.

[52:58] It's not awful.

[52:59] It didn't offend me.

[53:01] But it's like a melted vanilla ice cream cone.

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] We're going to hold you to that.

[53:06] Inoffensively bad, bad.

[53:07] That's, okay.

[53:08] That's a good way to describe it.

[53:10] Yeah.

[53:11] Now I'm thinking that they probably did release it on VHS from like Jack White's Third Man

[53:15] Records or something.

[53:16] Yeah.

[53:17] It's in a limited pressing of like 12 copies.

Stuart Wellington

[53:18] I feel like they'd want to do it in VHS if only so the grandparents of this world could

[53:23] keep it in a wicker basket into their TVs.

[53:26] And then what?

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] Light it on fire to bring back their crops?

[53:29] Yeah, of course.

[53:31] Yeah, don't wicker basket of VHS tapes that they keep in the bathroom for some reason.

[53:37] Mm-hmm.

[53:39] Because it smells good, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[53:41] But you can't wash your hands with it.

S3

[53:44] Or you think you can.

Stuart Wellington

[53:46] Or eat it.

[53:47] Or have a chicken make a nest out of it.

Dan McCoy

[53:53] From the dawn of time, one podcast has unlocked the secrets of science and technology.

[54:00] To enrich the lives of billions.

Stuart Wellington

[54:02] And now, after a year where they've unlocked the golden age of knowledge, they're about

[54:08] to hit warp speed and go stratospheric.

S5

[54:11] Wait, hold up.

Dan McCoy

[54:12] On Oh No, Ross and Carrie, we don't make extraordinary claims.

[54:15] We investigate them.

S5

[54:17] We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims, and we participate

[54:22] in pseudoscientific medical treatments and then report our findings to you.

Dan McCoy

[54:26] And yes, we've even investigated...

S5

[54:28] Scientology.

[54:29] Shh, Ross.

[54:30] Shh.

[54:30] New episodes every month at MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[54:34] Oh, no, Ross and Carrie.

[54:36] They show up so you don't have to.

S5

[54:39] Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at MaxFunStore.com.

[54:45] Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your

[54:50] home and bod with our merch.

[54:53] MaxFunStore.com.

[54:54] Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours.

Dan McCoy

[55:00] We should move on to...

[55:02] You getting that tattoo?

[55:03] I'm for that.

[55:04] Our sponsors.

[55:06] We have a couple of sponsors.

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] Our first sponsor is Dan's Bad Idea Tattoos.

Dan McCoy

[55:10] That are keeping the lights on on this fine program, I guess.

[55:17] That's okay.

[55:18] One light.

[55:20] And the first is ZipRecruiter.com.

[55:22] Are you hiring?

[55:23] Yeah.

[55:24] Do you know where you're to post your job to find the best candidates?

[55:27] No.

[55:27] I don't know.

[55:28] How did you find out about it, Paul?

[55:30] Listen.

S3

[55:31] Yeah, listen.

[55:32] He's telling my story right now.

Dan McCoy

[55:33] Listen, buddy.

[55:34] Keep rolling.

[55:35] Posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates.

[55:38] If you want to find the perfect hire, you need to post your job on all the top job sites.

[55:44] With ZipRecruiter.com, you can post your job to 100 plus job sites, including social media

[55:50] networks like Facebook and Twitter, all with a single click.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dan.

[55:55] Let me stop you right there.

[55:56] Yeah.

[55:56] 100 plus.

[55:57] Now, that means more than 100, right?

Dan McCoy

[55:59] That is the literal meaning of 100 plus, yes.

Elliott Kalan

[56:03] But how many clicks do I need to do that?

[56:05] I would need like 300 clicks.

Dan McCoy

[56:06] A single click.

[56:07] One click?

[56:08] I think that if you had to do it to 100 sites and you needed 300 clicks, you would be a fool.

Elliott Kalan

[56:15] Mathematically.

[56:16] So I guess what you're saying is my plan to compete with ZipRecruiter with ZapRecruiter, a three clicks for every site it goes on process is not as good as ZipRecruiter.

Dan McCoy

[56:27] No, I think that you've come up with a fool's errand there.

Elliott Kalan

[56:33] Well, take it from Dan.

[56:34] Don't invest in my new company.

[56:36] Just go to ZipRecruiter.

[56:37] Recruit all the zips you want.

Dan McCoy

[56:39] And right now, my listeners, our listeners.

[56:42] Yeah, thank you, Dan.

[56:43] Can post jobs on ZipRecruiter.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] No, no, star of the show, Dan McCoy.

[56:47] The only one anyone tunes in for, Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[56:50] All the Dan heads out there.

Elliott Kalan

[56:51] Yeah, all the Danos, the cherry popping Dannys themselves.

Dan McCoy

[56:55] Listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[57:00] That's ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

[57:03] One more time, to try it for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash first.

Elliott Kalan

[57:09] Now, Dan, if you were hiring for something, what would you be hiring for?

[57:13] What would you dream business that you're hiring other people?

[57:15] And it can't be like a Dan Blowjob business.

[57:18] A real business, Dan.

[57:19] Gross, dude.

[57:19] I can't believe you fucking thought of that.

[57:21] I can't believe you said that.

[57:23] What if I had my own business?

Dan McCoy

[57:25] A personal bard.

[57:26] Let's keep it PG, right guys?

[57:28] A personal bard?

[57:29] Yeah, a bard that came behind me and sang songs of my exploits.

[57:33] Oh, that's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] Now he's sitting on the couch, catching up with Legion.

Stuart Wellington

[57:42] Daddy of the ten fingers.

S3

[57:46] Daddy of the ten fingers.

[57:47] So generic bard.

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] He seems exceedingly sad.

[57:53] The oxygen goes in.

[57:55] Carbon dioxide goes out.

[57:57] Dan, Dan, Dan McCoy.

[57:59] Breathing all about.

[58:01] Ten dollars, please.

S3

[58:02] Are you going to take a shower today?

[58:06] All right.

[58:07] Wow.

[58:08] Pajama pants with no shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] It's 6 p.m.

[58:11] It's all he's worn all day.

[58:13] I guess it's better than the opposite.

[58:15] Throw a jacket on over his bear chest for the Chinese delivery man.

[58:21] Sad is tragically accurate.

Stuart Wellington

[58:24] Real talk, guys.

[58:25] How often do you accept deliveries from food places in your underpants?

Dan McCoy

[58:31] Like in my, just my underpants?

[58:34] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[58:34] I throw on some pajama pants.

[58:36] I'm not a monster.

[58:37] Well.

[58:38] Sounds like Stu's a monster, I'm guessing.

Stuart Wellington

[58:40] That makes me a monster.

Dan McCoy

[58:42] Do you at least like, sort of like poke your head around the door?

[58:49] Or you just waggle out?

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] I assume he just checks the fly on his Y fronts to make sure that he's not hanging out.

Stuart Wellington

[58:56] Yeah.

[58:57] Sometimes, yeah.

[58:58] Sometimes it falls out.

[58:59] He waits to open the door fully before the big reveal.

[59:01] Yeah.

[59:03] Your tip, sir.

[59:06] No, I was just wondering because, you know, different styles.

Dan McCoy

[59:10] Yeah.

[59:11] For different files.

[59:14] Anyway.

[59:15] It would make the filing system difficult if everyone has a different style.

[59:19] The next sponsor that helps us here at the Flophouse is Blue Apron.

[59:24] Blue Apron.

[59:26] Not all ingredients are created equal.

[59:27] Fresh, high-quality ingredients make a real difference.

[59:30] So it's important to know where your food comes from.

[59:33] For less than $10 per person, per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[59:43] Wait, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[59:43] Pre-portioned ingredients.

[59:44] You're saying I don't have to measure shit out, which I hate doing?

[59:47] Pardon my language.

[59:48] I don't mean to measure fuck out, which I hate doing?

Dan McCoy

[59:51] Yes.

[59:52] Your weird, lazy mental block against taking out some measuring cups.

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] Let's talk about it for a second.

[59:59] There's a little thing called parallax, which makes it so I have to line up the lines on the cup real close to my face to make sure the right amount is in there.

[1:00:08] Otherwise, optical illusion.

[1:00:10] I have too much or too little.

[1:00:11] That's too much stress for me.

[1:00:13] Somebody measure it out beforehand.

[1:00:15] Give it to me that way.

[1:00:16] Blue Apron, you did it.

[1:00:17] Thank you very much.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:19] Yeah.

[1:00:20] I mean, yes.

[1:00:21] It's a great service.

[1:00:22] I'm not saying anything bad about it other than-

[1:00:25] And it's seasonal?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:26] For the pissy anal retentive chef.

[1:00:28] Less than $10 a person?

[1:00:30] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:31] No, I mean-

[1:00:32] This is a good service.

[1:00:33] It's a good service.

[1:00:34] I mean, and listen to the upcoming meals you can get.

[1:00:36] Please, thank you.

[1:00:37] I don't know why we're so angry about it.

[1:00:39] Dan, read the meals.

[1:00:40] You got beef teriyaki stir fry with sugar snap peas and lime rice.

[1:00:45] That sounds good.

[1:00:46] Lime rice sounds great to me.

[1:00:48] Baked spinach and egg flatbread with sautéed exparagus and lemon aioli.

[1:00:53] Oh.

[1:00:53] Three cheese and baby broccoli stromboli with tomato and oregano dipping sauce.

[1:00:58] I can't even picture that, but it sounds delicious.

[1:01:00] And crispy salmon and roasted potato salad with pickled mustard seeds and creme fresh sauce.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:06] Listen.

[1:01:06] You can do all that while wearing your underpants.

[1:01:09] Yeah.

[1:01:09] You don't have to worry about putting on pajama pants or saying hi to a delivery guy.

[1:01:14] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:15] That's the worst part, the saying hi.

[1:01:17] Yeah.

[1:01:18] I said, hi.

[1:01:20] Check out this.

[1:01:20] You're probably noticing my lack of pants right now.

[1:01:23] You can check out this week's menu and get your first.

[1:01:26] Don't worry.

[1:01:27] The cash is in my underpants.

[1:01:28] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:30] Is that like a, I definitely, there was like a heat wave one summer and I went into bodegas

[1:01:36] in Brooklyn and there would be signs that said no bra money.

[1:01:41] Really?

[1:01:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:44] Holy shit.

[1:01:45] Because it was super hot out.

[1:01:46] It was all sweaty.

[1:01:47] I, yeah.

[1:01:49] All right.

[1:01:50] Check out.

[1:01:51] That's Dan's favorite kind of money.

[1:01:52] Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by

[1:01:57] going to blueapron.com slash flop house.

[1:02:01] First three meals for free?

[1:02:02] Yeah.

[1:02:03] Well, if you go to blueapron.com slash flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:06] How do you not do that?

[1:02:07] Yeah.

[1:02:08] That's three meals free.

[1:02:09] That's three meals free.

[1:02:10] You know what I call that?

[1:02:12] Almost impossible in this modern world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:16] Is this the time when we look up in the sky for the massive Jumbo Tron?

[1:02:23] Yes.

[1:02:23] Okay.

[1:02:24] It's beautiful.

[1:02:25] What do I see up there in the sky?

[1:02:27] Let me peel my peepers.

[1:02:29] Or your pizza skin.

[1:02:33] This message is for D-Dog.

[1:02:36] The message is from Justin.

[1:02:39] Happy birthday to my best friend in the world.

[1:02:42] You make my life one million times better.

[1:02:46] And I honestly have no idea what I would do without you.

[1:02:50] You deserve a great bidet.

[1:02:54] And I hope this helps.

[1:02:56] Love, Justin.

[1:02:58] I gotta assume that was B-Day.

[1:03:00] Oh, let me do that over.

[1:03:03] No, you deserve a great bidet.

[1:03:08] And I hope this helps.

[1:03:11] Love, Justin.

[1:03:15] I'll accept my Academy Award in the form of a Cadbury egg.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:22] And I have a Jumbo Tron message to read.

[1:03:25] What?

[1:03:26] Yes.

[1:03:27] This message is for MaxFun East and Flophouse DC participants.

[1:03:31] And it's from Brian.

[1:03:33] And it goes like this.

[1:03:35] The Flophouse live event in DC was a blast.

[1:03:38] I met lots of great people and I took some fun photos.

[1:03:41] Apparently, trading pain meds for gin and tonics can leave things a bit unclear.

[1:03:45] To all I met and was charming to, you are welcome.

[1:03:47] To anyone I was not, I apologize.

[1:03:49] And to the guy who watched my bag 300 times while I went to the bar,

[1:03:52] Thank you.

[1:03:53] See lots of you MaxFunsters in the Poconos.

[1:03:55] Brian, preferred gin withheld.

[1:03:58] It's Hendrix.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:00] Ooh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:02] That's a lovely message.

[1:04:04] That was very nice and sweet.

[1:04:05] And the MaxFun community is a very nice one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:09] Speaking of the MaxFun community, I just want to say real quick,

[1:04:11] shout out to Alan White, who is currently recovering from a very invasive surgery.

[1:04:16] That dude's awesome.

[1:04:17] Met him at MaxFunCon East.

[1:04:18] So go Alan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:20] And Dan, we have some things of our own to plug, right?

[1:04:23] A few things.

[1:04:24] Is this the time for that?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:25] Yes.

[1:04:25] First off, just quickly, a friend of the Flophouse, a former co-host of the Flophouse,

[1:04:32] John Kingman, is directing a feature sci-fi comedy in New York City in June,

[1:04:38] and he needs your help.

[1:04:39] It's called Ghostbusters.

[1:04:40] Well, no.

[1:04:41] Head on over to Indiegogo and search Snatchers, or just go to Trending in Film.

[1:04:48] Get some rewards, support Indie Film, and see a cameo from us, the Flophouse,

[1:04:53] if we can manage it with our schedules.

[1:04:55] Yeah, we're working on that.

[1:04:56] That sounds fun.

[1:04:56] And follow Snatchers on Instagram at SnatchersFilm, or Twitter, also at SnatchersFilm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:06] So the movie might need three romantic leads, is what you're saying?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:10] Yeah, it's weird, but I'll buy it.

[1:05:12] I'll allow it.

[1:05:14] In movie court.

[1:05:15] It's good to be king, et cetera.

[1:05:16] Stuart, I believe you had an exciting project.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:19] Yeah, I just wanted to say, we've mentioned this before,

[1:05:21] but we have a hot new release from the Flophouse.

[1:05:26] No, it's super hot.

[1:05:28] It's a super hot new release, fresh out of the pizza oven.

[1:05:31] Steaming, moist release.

[1:05:34] We have a new issue of the Flophouse Funnies.

[1:05:37] That's the digital Flophouse comic book that we make and put out.

[1:05:45] We put out with all proceeds going to the ACLU.

[1:05:49] This recent issue, the second issue, was written by me, titled A Hairy Night in Wolfsburg.

[1:05:55] I wrote it.

[1:05:57] Jacob Edgar did the art.

[1:05:59] Colors by Derbla Kelly.

[1:06:02] I'm sorry if I mispronounced that, by the way.

[1:06:05] Letters by Simon Boland.

[1:06:08] Cover by the always amazing Tom Fowler.

[1:06:12] Who did the numbers?

[1:06:13] The numbers.

[1:06:14] Let me double check that thing.

[1:06:16] The cover art by Nathan Fairbairn.

[1:06:22] I don't know how to pronounce it properly.

[1:06:24] Cover dress by Chris Eliopoulos.

[1:06:26] Editor is the incredible Nate Cosby who kind of put this whole thing together.

[1:06:32] So if you get a chance, I've given everybody credit, I believe.

[1:06:35] And there's an amazing pinup in there by Alex Robinson from Star Wars Minute, a show that Dan and I are going to be on next week.

[1:06:44] So if you get a chance, go support the ACLU and read my silly little story that I had been cooking in my old brain box for a while.

[1:06:54] And if you haven't, pick up the issue that Dan wrote.

[1:06:57] And then I think Elliot's is on the way and it looks great so far.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:00] Yeah, mine is looking good.

[1:07:02] I think it's for next month.

[1:07:03] I don't know when we're going to be putting it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:05] We'll tell you when it's coming out.

[1:07:06] But the more support we get, the more we're able to put those out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:09] Yes.

[1:07:10] And then the more we can contribute to the worthy cause of protecting our civil liberties and freedoms and so forth.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:15] Which seem all the more tenuous nowadays.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:19] But with the werewolves and things.

[1:07:20] Oh, what?

[1:07:21] What?

[1:07:21] Speaking of civil liberties and werewolves, hey guys, we have a live show coming up on June 9th.

[1:07:27] Not an accurate segue.

[1:07:29] There will be no werewolves or civil liberties allowed.

[1:07:32] Now, this show is at the Bell House in Gowanus in Brooklyn.

[1:07:35] Now, people are like, didn't that show sell out?

[1:07:38] Why are you promoting it on your podcast?

[1:07:40] Why are you taunting me?

[1:07:41] It's like when you two played Madison Square Garden and they printed up posters where the tour dates were all marked as sold out and plastered them all over the city.

[1:07:50] And it was like, why are you advertising a sold out concert?

[1:07:53] Why just to fulfill what a contractual obligation?

[1:07:56] I didn't even want to see you two.

[1:07:57] And you're wiping it in my face that I couldn't even buy tickets to see a band I don't even like.

[1:08:01] I honestly thought you said YouTube.

[1:08:04] Oh, no.

[1:08:04] Yeah, YouTube was playing at Madison Square Garden.

[1:08:06] And I was like.

[1:08:07] Tay Zonday sold out the garden.

[1:08:08] I was like, I could see this at home.

[1:08:10] I would love to see Chocolate Rain played live though.

S3

[1:08:13] That kitten can't get up that slide.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:15] So anyway, that show is sold out.

[1:08:17] But lucky ducks that you are.

[1:08:20] There's a second show that same night, June 9th.

[1:08:22] Are you kidding me?

[1:08:23] Two shows in one night?

[1:08:25] Two shows in one night.

[1:08:25] We're going to be crazy good.

[1:08:28] Yeah, we're going to be giddy tired.

[1:08:30] It's at 10 p.m.

[1:08:31] The second show.

[1:08:31] Doors are at 9.30.

[1:08:32] And we've announced what movies they are.

[1:08:34] We can say what they are.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:34] So on 6.9.

[1:08:38] Things are going to get a little bit horny up in the bell house.

[1:08:41] As we started off with the early show watching Triple X, one of the sequels.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:46] The Return of Xander Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:48] And the late show for all you crazy folks.

[1:08:52] For all you pervs out there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:53] For all you sweet pervs.

[1:08:55] Is going to be Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] Dan just perked up.

[1:08:57] Fifty Shades Darker.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:59] Oh, so look.

[1:09:01] For those of you who come to the line of shows.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] The movie Dan threatened.

[1:09:03] If we didn't watch it, he would watch it on his own to Jacket.

[1:09:06] We're going to watch it for this thing.

[1:09:08] I didn't specifically say to Jacket.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:09] We knew what you meant.

[1:09:11] And usually when we do these shows, we do like the big action movies or whatever.

[1:09:15] For this one, it's the first time I think that we'll have been doing a sexy movie.

[1:09:19] I mean, we did Entourage, which is not a sexy movie.

[1:09:21] No, it's like the opposite.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:22] I think my thing went all the way up inside my body.

[1:09:25] Which, you know, nothing wrong with that, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:27] But it got me.

[1:09:28] No, no.

[1:09:29] Definitely my penis ran away and I didn't see it for a couple days.

[1:09:32] It sent me a postcard.

S3

[1:09:34] I'm so mad at you.

[1:09:35] For watching this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:37] But we're going to be doing Fifty Shades Darker.

[1:09:40] So that's the second show.

[1:09:41] If you're going to the first show and you want to stick around for the second show, get a ticket for it, dude.

[1:09:45] If you didn't get a chance to see the first show because it sold out, get a ticket for the second show.

[1:09:50] The second show is going to be nuts and you better believe it's going to be pretty obscene.

[1:09:55] A little bit nasty.

[1:09:57] Probably too much.

[1:09:58] A little bit rock and roll.

[1:09:59] Oh, and a little bit rock and roll.

[1:10:01] That tiny wee bit country, but not this country.

[1:10:05] Mm-hmm.

[1:10:07] Malaysia.

[1:10:08] Belarus.

[1:10:10] And so that's the bell house website.

[1:10:12] Just Google bell house flop house.

[1:10:15] June 9th.

[1:10:16] Look, it's that easy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:17] Wow.

[1:10:17] It sounds like we got a lot of flop house housekeeping out of the way.

[1:10:20] What's next, Danny boy?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:22] Next is letters from listeners.

[1:10:24] Oh, cool.

[1:10:25] The first is from Mike, last name withheld, who writes.

[1:10:28] Get ready for Mike's first letter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:30] Mike Huckabee is writing us?

[1:10:32] I thought he was a total asshole.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:34] That one can't stop him from writing.

[1:10:36] Because at the flop house we'll take letters from anybody.

[1:10:40] No matter how big an asshole you are, there's a place for you in the flop house heart.

[1:10:45] Because the flop house heart is big enough for assholes like you.

[1:10:51] Okay, Dan.

[1:10:51] Elliot, can I ask you a question?

[1:10:54] Go right ahead.

[1:10:54] Hitler wrote you a letter.

[1:10:56] Would you read it on the flop house?

[1:10:58] I guess what I would do is screen it for content ahead of the time.

[1:11:03] Now, did he sign that letter?

[1:11:05] Did he sign that letter?

[1:11:07] Yes, he signed it.

[1:11:08] Love, Adolf.

[1:11:09] Then I'm selling it on that secondary market.

[1:11:13] But here's the thing.

[1:11:14] Should it go to a museum?

[1:11:15] Yes.

[1:11:16] Should it go to a creepy collector with a wood paneled basement?

[1:11:20] With that one swastika flag hanging up that all those bad guys have hanging up in their wood paneled basements.

[1:11:26] I don't want it to go to him.

[1:11:28] But if the price is right, that's the wisdom of the market.

[1:11:31] So let's mark it down as the letter that maybe we won't read.

[1:11:36] Unless he has a good question about, I don't know, Logan.

[1:11:40] Or such a Jit Ray.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:42] Oh, if he wants to know about that, then sure, yeah.

[1:11:44] My class, Dan Withheld, writes,

[1:11:47] In the fall of 2013, I, an impressionable young flop fan, took some time off from college

[1:11:53] to backpack through Western Europe like a walking, talking, Ural riding cliche.

[1:11:58] So it was that I found myself extremely hungover, waiting to change trains in the Rotterdam station.

[1:12:05] And change chains.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:06] I don't know what his life is like.

[1:12:07] Change, change trains.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:10] Change your trains.

[1:12:13] Changing trains.

[1:12:14] And the Rotterdam train station.

[1:12:16] Listening to, as luck would have it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:17] Wasn't changing trains that Gwyneth Paltrow movie?

[1:12:19] Yeah.

[1:12:20] It was on Hannah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:22] Listening to the newest Flophouse episode, Food Fight.

[1:12:25] When you three got to the now classic hot...

[1:12:28] Changing training day.

[1:12:30] This is not my fault.

[1:12:32] He says hot on a tin tin roof instead of cat on a tin tin roof.

[1:12:35] Tangent.

[1:12:36] My carefully fabricated, world-weary crafter persona.

[1:12:38] Write your letter to us, dude.

[1:12:39] Don't make fun of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] Dan, you knew what he meant.

[1:12:41] Just correct it in your head and then say it the latest one.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:43] I started talking because I was reading the fucking letter and then I was like, this sounds

[1:12:48] wrong.

[1:12:49] And I'm like, they're going to make fun of me.

[1:12:50] But it's a not me.

[1:12:52] Let me pass the buck.

[1:12:53] This is a not me or an I don't know.

[1:12:55] It's a fucking little ghost.

S3

[1:12:58] Let's follow the little dotted line to the end of this letter.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:01] When you three got to the now classic cat on a tin tin roof, a hot tin tin roof, tangent.

[1:13:07] My carefully fabricated, world-weary traveler persona devolved into pits of embarrassingly

[1:13:11] childish giggles through the dismay of the several Dutch businessmen and older women with

[1:13:16] whom I shared the platform.

[1:13:18] The memory is so vivid that now, anytime you bring up Tin Tin, or I listen to the Food

[1:13:22] Fight episode, one of my favorites in the catalog, I'm immediately and vividly transported

[1:13:26] back to Rotterdam and the scorn of the Dutch.

[1:13:29] So my question is this.

[1:13:32] Are there any movies or other pieces of culture?

[1:13:34] Sounds like the title of like a Daniel Close story or something.

[1:13:37] The scorn of the Dutch.

[1:13:38] Are there any movies or other pieces of culture that your mind is inextricably linked with

[1:13:44] the location or situation you were in when you first experienced them?

[1:13:48] Best, my class name withheld.

[1:13:51] Yes.

[1:13:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:53] I mean like a lot.

[1:13:54] I mean none of them are particularly funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:56] I think one of the ones that sticks out is I remember I went to a college visit, you know, when I was a senior in high school and I was looking at colleges.

[1:14:06] And it just so happened that my like one of my closest friends growing up, Casey Crowe, shout out to KK.

[1:14:14] We went to we happened to we happened to be doing a college visit at this like weirdly conservative school in southern Michigan.

[1:14:23] And we like we went we went on the like tour of the college together.

[1:14:29] And the guy giving us the tour was this like super conservative dude.

[1:14:33] And we're like, oh, I think you're pitching to the wrong people, man.

[1:14:39] So we went on this and it wasn't very fun.

[1:14:41] And the room we stayed in was terrible.

[1:14:43] So the next day we had a free afternoon.

[1:14:46] We didn't have to go to school or anything.

[1:14:47] So we drove back home and Big Lebowski was in theaters.

[1:14:51] And we both went to Big Lebowski in at like a 1 p.m.

[1:14:55] showing and got out of it.

[1:14:57] And I think we collectively were having like maybe we had smoked weed in the van or something.

[1:15:03] But we were both collectively having this like acid flashback.

[1:15:07] And it was just a really weird experience.

[1:15:10] And yeah, it was really awesome.

[1:15:13] So whenever I think of Big Lebowski, I think of this weird time in a van where I was having an acid flashback.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:18] Are you high right now?

[1:15:19] No, I'm just pretty drunk.

[1:15:21] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:22] So, yes.

[1:15:23] Kind of.

[1:15:24] I mean, it depends on your definition.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:26] I remember the first time I saw any part of Bride of Frankenstein was on a rainy night in a youth hostel in Scotland.

[1:15:33] And I saw the part where Dr. Pretorius had like the little ballerina and like the king and stuff.

[1:15:39] Yeah, yeah.

[1:15:39] His miniature homunculi.

[1:15:40] In the bottles.

[1:15:42] In little bottles.

[1:15:42] And I will forever associate that with being in Scotland displaced among other poor travelers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:54] I think I'll forever remember a little double feature of The Great Outdoors and Stripes as being the movies that I watched on tape in the dining hall at my summer camp on the big night when instead of sleeping in our cabins, we all slept in the dining hall.

[1:16:12] And we watched The Great Outdoors and when the younger kids went asleep, mind you, in the same room as everybody else.

[1:16:19] And I was one of the younger kids, but I stayed up anyway.

[1:16:21] The older campers and the adults put on stripes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:24] Did you like it to make out with a girl or something?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:27] No, I think that was like.

[1:16:29] Or somebody?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:29] I don't want to judge.

[1:16:30] Yeah, thank you.

[1:16:31] I think it was 12, so no.

[1:16:33] Like a squirrel?

[1:16:34] Oh, okay.

[1:16:35] Maybe 11.

[1:16:36] But there was something.

[1:16:37] Sounds like you're old enough to party, dude.

[1:16:41] There's something about sitting in my sleeping bag in this big dining hall watching The Great Outdoors, a movie I don't care for.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:49] I mean, at the time, I thought it was awesome.

[1:16:51] Doesn't he eat like sheep testicles or something in that?

[1:16:55] No, that's Funny Farm.

[1:16:56] That's fucking Funny Farm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:57] In The Great Outdoors, he has the steak challenge where he has to eat the entire steak and get it for free.

[1:17:03] And then he ends up throwing it up later.

[1:17:05] It's the sheep testicles or gold balls or whatever there is Funny Farm.

[1:17:08] Where he's eating them and he loves them and he's eating them and he's beating the record for how many were ever eaten.

[1:17:13] And they're like, those are goat balls.

[1:17:14] And he doesn't want them anymore.

[1:17:15] And it's like, you've been chowing them down.

[1:17:18] Like you love those things, dude.

[1:17:19] Don't fall to society's norms.

[1:17:22] You thought they were delicious until you found out what they were.

[1:17:25] But anyway, what about you, Paul?

S3

[1:17:29] I saw Do the Right Thing the night it came out in an inner city Trenton movie theater.

[1:17:41] I was one of three white people in the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:44] And I'm assuming there was more than three people in the audience.

[1:17:47] It was packed.

[1:17:48] Okay.

S3

[1:17:48] It was a packed audience.

[1:17:49] I was a...

[1:17:50] When did that movie come out?

[1:17:51] Like 89, 80...

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:52] Yeah, around then.

[1:17:53] I don't know.

S3

[1:17:53] So I was like a 19-year-old dorky white guy.

[1:17:56] And it was genuinely the most visceral reaction I've ever had and been a part of at a movie.

[1:18:07] I never felt genuinely unsafe.

[1:18:09] But during the riot sequence, it was almost like one of those weird castle gimmick movies.

[1:18:17] Like a tingler?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:18] Kind of a tingler thing.

S3

[1:18:19] Like the people in the audience around me were yelling and screaming and people going up and down the aisle.

[1:18:26] And it was tense.

[1:18:29] It was very tense.

[1:18:31] But then at the end of the movie, as people were leaving the theater, it is also the most I've ever heard people talking about the movie and the message of the movie.

[1:18:42] Like how he puts up that Martin Luther King quote and then the Malcolm X quote as to whether violence is justified or not.

[1:18:47] And it was...

[1:18:49] I mean, I haven't heard...

[1:18:50] I spent a year in film school and I haven't heard that much discussion about the message of the movie.

[1:18:55] Yeah, that kind of a connection.

[1:18:57] Immediately following...

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:58] It was actually...

[1:18:59] It wasn't just like some weird old guy being like, so what do you think of the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:03] I was just going to say, hang out in a New York movie theater and all the old people are going to want to talk to you about what the movie meant.

[1:19:08] You're like, dude, I just want to go home.

[1:19:11] Like, I have my own thoughts about the movie and I don't need to share them with you, old man.

[1:19:16] Old man, look at my life.

[1:19:19] I don't want to talk to you about this movie.

[1:19:22] Old man, look at my life.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:23] I'm a lot like Stu.

S3

[1:19:28] But again, it was an intense movie experience.

[1:19:30] I've never had anything approaching that.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:33] So moving on.

[1:19:34] This is from Jeremy, last name withheld.

[1:19:38] Jeremy spoken in the form of a letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:43] That song's actually about Jeremy Sisto.

[1:19:44] Oh, really?

[1:19:45] Yeah.

[1:19:45] I didn't know that.

[1:19:46] Because he speaks.

S3

[1:19:47] You make a good point.

[1:19:49] Makes a lot of sense.

[1:19:49] And has spoken.

[1:19:51] Checks out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:52] Checks out.

[1:19:53] Yeah.

[1:19:53] Lemon Yellow Sun.

[1:19:54] It's all there.

[1:19:55] I recently revisited the...

[1:19:57] He does seem like a harmless little fuck.

S3

[1:20:03] Even though he tries to be menacing in Waitress, it just doesn't really play.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:07] I recently revisited the 2002 film.

[1:20:13] 2002?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:15] From the year 2002.

[1:20:18] I recently revisited the...

[1:20:21] We're all brains in a computer by that point.

[1:20:23] I recently revisited...

[1:20:26] I recently revisited...

S3

[1:20:26] It's just like an old IBM PC.

[1:20:30] It's not a fancy computer.

[1:20:31] It's like a brain in a CRT.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:34] I recently revisited the 2002 film Red Green Duct Tape Forever.

[1:20:41] He revisited it, mind you.

[1:20:43] He did not just watch the film Red Green Duct Tape Forever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:47] I've never...

[1:20:48] He watched it for the second time.

[1:20:50] Perhaps the third or fourth time.

[1:20:52] I've never deliberately watched Red Green.

[1:20:54] I've only stumbled upon it in random moments.

[1:20:59] I remember as a kid stumbling on it on PBS for the first time being like, what the hell

[1:21:02] is this?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:04] Wait, is this a Red Green movie?

[1:21:07] Yeah.

[1:21:07] So wait, did he...

[1:21:09] Was he in a situation like that one episode of Six Feet Under where a crackhead has a gun

[1:21:15] to his back and he has to go into a gas station...

[1:21:17] Does he drive him around all day?

[1:21:19] He has to go to a gas station, buy a copy of this Red Green movie, and go home and watch

[1:21:25] it twice?

[1:21:26] Twice?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:27] I thought you were saying the plot of the movie was that Red Green had been taken hostage

[1:21:31] by a crackhead.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:33] And Duct Tape's going to get him out of it somehow, eventually.

[1:21:35] Yeah, it has to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:36] Yeah.

[1:21:36] And he's just being folksy and Canadian, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:39] Uh, no.

[1:21:40] Oh, well, okay.

[1:21:42] It's an adaptation of the popular beloved...

[1:21:45] Thanks for class.

[1:21:45] So far.

[1:21:48] Go on.

[1:21:49] I'm sorry, Dan.

[1:21:50] An adaptation of the popular beloved 15-season, 300-episode Canadian TV sketch sitcom, The Red

[1:21:57] Green Show.

[1:21:57] It's got the bona fides.

[1:21:58] Right there.

[1:22:00] Although, a lot of what made the TV show great comes through in the film, especially the easy

[1:22:03] chemistry between Steve Smith and Patrick McKenna as the wily confident Red Green and his gawky,

[1:22:10] nerdy nephew Harold.

[1:22:11] Oh, I know it well.

[1:22:12] There are plenty of things that would only make sense to a viewer of the film if they were

[1:22:15] familiar with the TV show.

[1:22:17] Like the black and white...

S3

[1:22:17] You mean, hold on a second.

[1:22:18] Deep in the Red Green lore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:20] They were not seeking to widen the Red Green audience to a new national feature platform.

[1:22:25] No, this one was for the fans.

[1:22:27] It was kickstarted.

[1:22:28] They're like, I got an idea for a new franchise.

[1:22:31] How many people do you bump into?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:33] And you're like, yeah, I was watching the Red Green show.

[1:22:36] And they're like, what's a show?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:38] I don't know the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:41] Like the black and white narrated segment at the beginning setting up their conflict with

[1:22:45] the evil real estate developer or the entire character of Ranger Gord.

[1:22:48] Conversely, since the TV show is mostly about the misadventures of a group of lovable,

[1:22:53] bumbling, outdoorsy men in rural Ontario, every single antagonist in the movie, the real

[1:22:58] estate developer, the crooked cops, the judge, was fabricated just for the film and nobody

[1:23:03] watching because they like the show has any emotional investment in them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:07] I mean, to be fair, almost every movie ever made, you don't have any emotional investment

[1:23:11] in the characters till the movie has gone a little bit.

[1:23:14] And then you like, that's how movies work.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:17] No, that's a fair argument.

[1:23:18] You shouldn't, it shouldn't all be like the MCU where you're like, oh, I care about this

[1:23:22] thing because I've been reading comics for 20 years.

[1:23:24] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:25] But yeah.

[1:23:26] It's not like people when they went to see Casablanca were like, oh, I can't wait to

[1:23:30] see how this movie handles the famous characters of Rick and Ilsa.

[1:23:33] Oh boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:35] Yes.

[1:23:35] In your opinion, what movie adapted from a TV show has done the best job of balancing between

[1:23:40] being a good movie to watch without having seen the show and being a continuation of the

[1:23:44] show that its fans love so much?

[1:23:46] You're sincerely Jeremy, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:48] Is there a PS in there that says Uncle Buck is not a valid answer?

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:53] Yeah, the show, wait a minute, the show came after the movie.

[1:23:55] Oh shit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:56] It always, I can't think of that many movies after shows.

[1:23:59] Yeah.

[1:24:00] Serenity.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:01] Serenity is what I was going to go for.

[1:24:02] I actually saw Serenity before I saw any Firefly episodes.

[1:24:06] I would say that the Alan Partridge movie, I think does a pretty good job of, you don't

[1:24:11] really need to know the show, but if you do know the show, it's funny to see where he's

[1:24:14] ended up, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:17] Serenity is good at letting everyone know what you need to know to enjoy the movie, and it

[1:24:24] also ties up loose ends from the show if you watch the show and we're like, I want more

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:29] Firefly.

[1:24:31] Maybe Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me, although I watched all of Twin Peaks before I saw Fire

[1:24:37] Walk With Me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:37] I think Fire Walk With Me may in a weird way work better as a standalone David Lynch movie

[1:24:44] if you're like a David Lynch fan, because anything you don't get because you haven't seen the

[1:24:49] show, you're like, it's a David Lynch movie.

[1:24:51] I don't know that I'm supposed to get that.

[1:24:53] But if you're a Twin Peaks fan and you watch that movie, you're kind of expecting it to

[1:24:56] be, to make more sense in a way, and it doesn't, but there's a lot of really good stuff in

[1:25:01] that movie.

S3

[1:25:02] I feel like Empire Strikes Back is a real good adaptation of the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:07] Yeah.

[1:25:08] Yeah.

[1:25:08] They did a good job of expanding on that.

[1:25:10] Mm-hmm.

[1:25:11] Mm-hmm.

[1:25:11] I would argue it's a good version.

[1:25:15] Yeah, it's a good sequel to the Holiday Special.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:19] There's somebody out there who's like, Star Wars is great, Holiday Special takes a dip,

[1:25:24] but then they bring it back for Empire Strikes Back.

[1:25:26] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:26] And one last letter from first name, last name, and everything else withheld.

[1:25:35] Aw, just one more?

[1:25:37] On your Independence Day 2 Independenceer episode, you made a bunch of jokes about weird

[1:25:43] niche sex toys, which would normally be totally fine and hilarious, except that, as fate would

[1:25:49] have it, I listened to your podcast while walking to the post office to pick up a package of the

[1:25:53] very same weird niche sex toys you were joking about.

[1:25:58] Existential terror filled me like in the line behind some lady buying stamps.

[1:26:03] What else do these wacky movie watchers know?

[1:26:06] Had the house cat hacked into my computer and stolen all my dark secrets and illegal bitcoins?

[1:26:11] Was I, like the Will Smith character, about to be poochied?

[1:26:14] Anyway, the rest of the episode was pretty funny, so it's cool.

[1:26:17] Keep on flopping.

[1:26:19] First name, last name, everything else withheld.

[1:26:22] So, uh, we're sorry for causing you that kind of existential terror.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:27] I mean, you know what I'm going to say is, whenever people call out my specific sexual fetishes

[1:26:33] on a podcast, and they say it's weird, I say, that's why it makes me extra turned on.

[1:26:40] Yes.

[1:26:41] Because Jesse and Jordan over at Jesse Jordan, whatever they do, talk shit about what makes

[1:26:49] my weenus go crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:52] It's like, you don't like it?

[1:26:54] Mmm, that just makes it a little more naughty.

[1:26:56] That's the thing, baby.

[1:26:57] And I'm not really turned on by what's being done, per se, but by the boundaries that are

[1:27:02] being broken.

[1:27:03] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:04] Like, when you're playing with, like, a crazy Rubik's Cube, and then a bunch of chains

[1:27:08] come out of nowhere and, like, rip your face off.

[1:27:11] Yeah, yeah.

[1:27:11] You're like, I'm like a pizza!

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:16] Clive, I want to talk to you about your new Hellraiser novel.

[1:27:21] Were you eating a pizza when you wrote it?

[1:27:23] Yes, I was.

[1:27:24] I was eating quite a bit of pizza from the local pizza shop.

[1:27:28] Well, it's pretty clear.

[1:27:29] There's a lot of pizza in this one.

S3

[1:27:32] We have so many toppings to show you, Kirstie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:35] Yeah, again, it's this.

[1:27:36] I want to remind you, publisher, there was a lot of pizza being consumed.

S3

[1:27:41] It's-a me, a pinhead!

[1:27:43] It's a pizza pie, yeah!

[1:27:45] You like?

[1:27:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:48] Jesus wept!

[1:27:50] No pepperoni, no pineapple, though, right?

[1:27:55] It's off limits for the pepperoni.

[1:27:59] Yeah, solid goof.

[1:28:02] I thought I was a part of it.

[1:28:04] No pineapple.

[1:28:04] That was going on in history.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:07] Crap history.

[1:28:09] So-

[1:28:10] I'm sorry, Stu, that was too harsh.

[1:28:11] Dude, I don't give a shit.

[1:28:12] But there's a thin line between pleasure and pain.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:15] Lastly, we should move on.

[1:28:18] To our final segment on the show, which is recommendations.

[1:28:22] Movies that we actually liked.

[1:28:24] That you should watch instead of Mother's Day.

[1:28:27] Anybody got anything?

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:29] Yeah, so on Mother's Day-

[1:28:30] Or is Mother's Day the pinnacle of human achievement?

[1:28:32] The greatest film ever made.

[1:28:34] So on Mother's Day, instead of firing up the movie Mother's Day,

[1:28:37] you're sitting around with your mommy.

[1:28:39] You're like, I want to watch a fucking movie with this lovely lady who gave birth to me.

[1:28:44] So I would recommend pulling up your iPad.

[1:28:48] Okay.

[1:28:49] How many steps are there going to be?

[1:28:51] Slamming your thumb on that Shudder app.

[1:28:55] And watching, with your mom, the movie Resolution.

[1:29:00] Resolution's a little low-budget, like, I guess, horror-thriller.

[1:29:04] It's about a guy who goes to help out his friend who is struggling with crack addiction.

[1:29:13] So he tricks his friend into going back to the shack in the middle of nowhere and chaining him to the wall.

[1:29:21] And he's just kind of, this guy's resolve to spending the week with his friend, helping him detox.

[1:29:27] And over the course of the week, let's just say some strange things happened.

[1:29:32] So yeah, I'd recommend going to check out Resolution.

[1:29:36] I know the guy who made it.

[1:29:38] What?

[1:29:39] Yep, has a new movie coming out, I think sometime next year, called, I think, The Endless or Endless, which sounds awesome.

[1:29:47] So go check out Resolution so you can, when the new movie comes out, you can be like,

Dan McCoy

[1:29:52] Oh, I already know this guy's first movie and it's good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:56] Do I have to say it in that voice?

[1:29:57] You have to do that exact voice.

[1:29:59] If you don't do it in that voice, you owe me a Coke.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:03] That's the rule.

[1:30:04] That's the law.

[1:30:06] Let's do law.

[1:30:06] It's the jinx rule.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:07] I'm going to recommend a movie.

[1:30:11] This movie that we watched tonight had Jason Sudeikis in it.

[1:30:15] And it was not very good.

[1:30:17] And so I'm going to wreck a movie where...

[1:30:19] You're going to wreck a movie?

[1:30:19] I'm going to wreck a movie.

[1:30:20] I'm going to wreck a movie.

[1:30:21] I'm going to wreck the fuck out of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:23] That would have been a way better name for our podcast.

[1:30:28] Wreck a movie.

[1:30:29] Yeah, where we wreck a movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:32] Hey, I'm going to wreck a movie, huh?

[1:30:34] It's called Colossal.

[1:30:37] It has Jason Sudeikis in it.

[1:30:39] And it has Elliot's longtime paramour, Anne Hathaway.

[1:30:44] Oh, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:44] Is that tough for you to see her so happy in movies and stuff now that you guys aren't together?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:48] I mean, I would say that the idea that we are in a relationship is an exaggeration to the point of being completely a fabrication.

[1:30:55] Okay.

[1:30:56] There's not even a kernel of truth to it.

[1:30:58] But I'm glad to see that Annie's doing great.

[1:31:01] I'm glad to see that she's got this cool movie.

[1:31:02] She seems pretty successful.

[1:31:04] Yeah, she's doing really good.

[1:31:05] I think the quote I would use is...

[1:31:08] She won an Academy Award movie for...

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:10] She won an Academy Award movie?

[1:31:12] She won an Academy Award movie.

[1:31:13] In her office fucking Super Bowl pool?

[1:31:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:16] She won an Academy Award for Crazy Girl's sister has the worst wedding ever.

[1:31:22] Yeah, I don't like that movie.

[1:31:24] Rest in peace.

[1:31:25] I thought it was great.

[1:31:25] I would say...

[1:31:27] I just...

[1:31:27] If I didn't find the wedding so irritating, it might have been different.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:30] My pull quote for your ex-girlfriend, Anne Hathaway, is unfairly maligned.

[1:31:36] She is totally unfairly maligned.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:37] She's great.

[1:31:38] So, Dan, what's this movie that you're recommending?

[1:31:39] It's called Colossal.

[1:31:42] Now...

[1:31:42] Now, who pronounces it that way?

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:44] Nobody?

[1:31:44] So, that movie's directed by the guy who directed that movie, Time Crimes, that I recommend all the time because it's awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:50] I didn't realize it was the same director.

[1:31:51] Time Crimes is really good.

[1:31:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:53] This movie, in case you hadn't heard of it, is about Anne Hathaway.

[1:31:56] She's a drunk lady who has...

[1:32:00] Professionally?

[1:32:01] Yeah, well, kind of.

[1:32:03] I mean, that's kind of my job.

[1:32:04] She's unemployed.

[1:32:06] She's drunk.

[1:32:07] Her life is in disarray.

[1:32:08] She breaks up with her boyfriend, or her boyfriend breaks up with her, to be more accurate.

[1:32:12] She moves back home.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:13] Boyfriend played by Dan Stevens.

[1:32:14] Yeah, Dan Stevens of the guest fame and TV's Legion.

[1:32:20] How the fuck did they not advertise the Beauty and the Beast movie where Dan Stevens plays the beast with, be the guest?

[1:32:29] Because he's the guest in the guest movie.

[1:32:31] I think it's probably because no one saw it.

[1:32:33] Dude, that shit is hilarious.

[1:32:36] Listeners, write in and tell me that that joke was hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:40] Seems like you put your finger on the scale on that one.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:45] Anyway, so she goes home to her empty parents' house, and she's living there for a while, and she takes up with a bunch of drunk friends.

[1:32:57] One of them, Jason Sudeikis.

[1:32:58] One of them is Tim Blake Nelson.

[1:33:00] One of them is a guy.

[1:33:01] I don't know who the fuck he is.

[1:33:03] He's just a handsome dude.

[1:33:05] And she discovers...

[1:33:07] Let's just say Jim Blake Nelson.

[1:33:08] She discovers that she has some sort of link to a kaiju that is destroying South Korea.

[1:33:16] And it happens whenever she crosses a certain children's park that this kaiju shows up in South Korea and just stomps all over a bunch of people.

[1:33:28] And she's, you know, obviously just...

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:30] Sure.

[1:33:30] At this point, let's take it easy with spoilies, because I haven't seen it.

[1:33:33] Yeah.

[1:33:34] Now, tell us the whole movie, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:37] Dig into the box office of what's not a huge budget movie, despite its big-name stars.

[1:33:42] I'll just say...

[1:33:43] Steal those extra ticket sales from it, Daniel.

[1:33:46] You cherry-popping Danny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:50] It starts off as a...

[1:33:53] We sound so sad about it.

[1:33:56] I'm like, how dare you pop those cherries, Danny?

S3

[1:34:00] At long last, sir, have you no cherries unpopped.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:06] It starts out as a goofy sort of wistful comedy about a woman who controls a giant monster.

[1:34:15] And it turns into a movie about a nice guy or a guy who presents as a nice guy who's actually an abuser.

[1:34:25] And it's sort of a critique of a certain type of male.

[1:34:29] And in that vein, it uses Jason Sudeikis very well, because he can be very charming,

[1:34:35] but the switch to not charming is chilling.

[1:34:39] Well, that sounded like a big spoiler.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:40] When I fucking said no spoilies, you're like, I'm just gonna drive on past that and wave at you.

[1:34:45] Let me just tell you what the twist is, dude.

[1:34:48] Piece of shit.

[1:34:49] If you're right...

[1:34:50] I was hoping for fucking Mothra, and now it's something different.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:52] Dan, I haven't gone to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 yet, either.

[1:34:54] Tell me all the jokes in it.

[1:34:55] If you read literally any fucking review of movies...

[1:34:59] I don't read them.

[1:35:00] This is why I don't read reviews.

[1:35:00] When I want to go see a movie, I don't read the reviews, Dan.

[1:35:03] For that reason, you cherry poppin' Danny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:06] I don't read the reviews, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:08] Never has the nickname Cherry Poppin' Danny been so appropriate.

[1:35:13] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:14] So I think it's time for Paul to jump in.

[1:35:16] Okay.

[1:35:17] I'm gonna take guest prerogative and do two very quickly.

[1:35:20] What?

S3

[1:35:20] Yeah, that's right.

[1:35:21] It's in the rule book.

[1:35:22] Look it up, motherfucker.

[1:35:23] Okay.

[1:35:23] Let me look it up.

[1:35:24] Wow.

[1:35:24] Really?

[1:35:25] He's right.

[1:35:25] I'm wrong.

[1:35:26] Okay, cool.

[1:35:27] And a dog can play soccer.

[1:35:29] Good thing I jotted down that rule book real quick before I got here.

[1:35:32] I'm gonna recommend one of...

[1:35:35] On any given day, it's my favorite movie, or one of my three favorite movies, certainly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:40] 1999, the movie Topsy Turvy by Mike Lee.

S3

[1:35:43] Oh, okay.

[1:35:45] Which is the story of Gilbert and Sullivan.

[1:35:50] Jesus Christ.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:52] Wait.

[1:35:53] Jesus Christ was in Gilbert and Sullivan?

[1:35:55] Yes, they wrote Jesus Christ Superstar.

[1:35:56] Oh.

[1:35:57] And then Cats.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:58] You probably couldn't even have heard that on the podcast, but Stuart dropped a bottle cap.

[1:36:02] That's why there was an expletive...

[1:36:05] Oh, you heard it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:06] Dan's doing some foley work.

S3

[1:36:10] Now he has to reenact the drop to make it so make sense.

[1:36:13] Before I was so rudely interrupted.

[1:36:16] It is the story of Gilbert and Sullivan, who, of course, wrote many famous operas in Victorian

[1:36:22] England in the late 19th century.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:24] Operettas.

[1:36:25] Operettas.

[1:36:26] Dan, I'm glad you handled that so I didn't have to.

[1:36:29] You popped that cherry, as is your due.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:32] It won a lot of, like, I don't want to say technical awards, but it won all the costume

[1:36:37] awards that you used.

S3

[1:36:38] It won costume and makeup that year, I believe.

[1:36:43] And it's roughly the story of the making of the Mikado, but it's really about these two

[1:36:50] creative people and the overall creative process.

[1:36:53] It's one of my favorite movies.

[1:36:54] I think it is the best movie about the creative process, especially a collaborative creative

[1:37:00] process, like a show or a TV show, a movie, anything that involves a whole lot of different

[1:37:07] and sometimes difficult creative people.

[1:37:10] And for those of you unfamiliar with Mike Lee, he is a director well known for working and

[1:37:16] having an elaborate rehearsal process with his actors where they do a lot of improv and

[1:37:21] help flesh out their own characters.

[1:37:23] And the story, like, he comes into a movie mostly with a very rough outline.

[1:37:27] He lets the, he has a whole stable of actors he works with.

[1:37:31] And as such, there's tons, there's tons of really good British character actors in this

[1:37:38] movie and all of the characters, even the minor ones, feel real and well fleshed out.

[1:37:44] Even if they're not on screen for very long, they just.

[1:37:47] Yeah.

[1:37:47] And there's just such love in the whole movie for this whole process and these crazy people

[1:37:53] putting on shows.

[1:37:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:55] Your second recommendation isn't going to be naked, right?

S3

[1:37:58] No, it's not going to be naked.

[1:38:00] I had a couple to choose from.

[1:38:01] I'm going to go with a 2016 South Korean movie called Train to Busan.

[1:38:06] Oh, sure.

[1:38:06] I don't think you guys have recommended.

[1:38:08] No.

[1:38:09] It is a zombie movie.

[1:38:13] It's a fast zombie movie for those of you who care about such things.

[1:38:16] And it, you know, it's not an earth shattering all time great movie necessarily, but it's a

[1:38:23] very well crafted, I think example of the genre where it introduces a number of characters.

[1:38:28] The main character is a hardworking South Korean salaryman type who has been kind of neglectful

[1:38:35] of his daughter.

[1:38:36] And it gathers, you know, does the usual zombie movie work of gathering a series of characters

[1:38:41] in the first 15, 20 minutes and putting, then putting wheels in motion.

[1:38:45] The wheels in this case being a zombie outbreak in Seoul and its surrounding area in Korea

[1:38:51] and a whole bunch of people stuck on a train on its way to Busan with zombies, both off

[1:38:58] the train and on the train.

[1:38:59] And it does a really, it's, it's really well paced.

[1:39:02] I thought it's a very tight clockwork of that type of genre.

[1:39:08] It keeps, keeps things moving nicely.

[1:39:09] It does a great job, I think, of establishing the, the geography of the movie.

[1:39:15] It's nice to have this very set.

[1:39:17] He, you know, kind of a, a, a snow piercer style.

[1:39:20] You're on this train and there's, you're at the back and you need to get to the front

[1:39:23] is the gist of it.

[1:39:24] But I don't think it does a real good job of making you care about these people as it

[1:39:28] sets up the dominoes and you see who, which dominoes fall.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:31] And yeah.

[1:39:32] Is that, is that still on Netflix?

S3

[1:39:34] I believe it's still on Netflix or Amazon.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:37] I can't remember.

[1:39:37] It's one of those that I've been mean to watch for a while and I'm familiar with it.

[1:39:41] Familiar with it enough that when I was bartending one day and I heard some guy describing it

[1:39:46] to someone else and misremembering the name, I had my, my face started twitching like Roger

[1:39:52] Rabbit and when he's hearing shave and a haircut and I had to interrupt him and tell him what

[1:39:58] movie he's talking about.

[1:40:00] Yeah.

[1:40:00] But yeah, I've been mean to see it.

S3

[1:40:02] Yeah, I do recommend it.

[1:40:02] I think it's a very enjoyable, tight version of this type of movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:09] I'm going to try to go real fast for a, it's the Mother's Day recommendation.

[1:40:14] Yeah.

[1:40:15] It's dead alive because of the moms in it.

[1:40:18] Because it's all about a son's love for his mother.

[1:40:21] I was trying to think maybe I'll recommend my mom's favorite movie, which is The Sting.

[1:40:26] Mommy Dearest?

[1:40:26] Yeah, which is not my, The Sting.

[1:40:28] But that doesn't seem really mom.

[1:40:31] Also I recommended it recently.

[1:40:32] And Dan recommended it recently.

[1:40:34] And there aren't a lot of like mother-son movies that aren't horror movies, it seems.

[1:40:39] Or Albert Brooks' mother.

[1:40:41] So I figured, you know what?

[1:40:42] I'll recommend a movie that my wife, who is a mother, liked recently.

[1:40:47] That's a movie she saw on a plane.

[1:40:49] So it's a Dan McCoy style movie.

[1:40:52] And she watched the movie Bad Moms on a flight recently.

[1:40:56] Oh yeah.

[1:40:56] Thinking, this is going to be stupid.

[1:40:58] I'll probably turn it off.

[1:40:59] I didn't watch it.

[1:41:01] But she found herself thinking, this is a kind of dumb movie.

[1:41:04] But it actually got to, she was saying a few things about being a mom that she hasn't really seen other movies or TV shows yet at the same way.

[1:41:13] And apparently she was talking to her mom friends.

[1:41:15] And they were like, yeah, I thought that movie was going to be real stupid too.

[1:41:17] And then like, I liked it a lot more than I thought it would.

[1:41:20] So I haven't seen it.

[1:41:21] But if you're a mom, you're looking for a dumb comedy about moms.

[1:41:25] And you think, hey, this one's not going to be that good.

[1:41:28] But maybe it'll be a little bit more expected than Bad Moms.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:31] I remember Char and I watched that.

[1:41:33] I'll chalk it up to the list of movies that I usually put on and I kind of zone out.

[1:41:39] But I thought that was, I liked that one better than I expected.

[1:41:43] And Catherine Han is great in it.

[1:41:45] Catherine Han's good.

[1:41:46] She's always good.

[1:41:46] She's like, in a better world, that would have been her star making turn.

[1:41:52] That would have been her like Zach Kalifianakis in The Hangover type turn.

S3

[1:41:56] In a better world, like she and Judy Greer are starring in movies.

[1:42:00] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:00] I don't understand how Judy Greer is not starring in more things.

[1:42:03] It makes no sense to me.

[1:42:04] But yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:06] Because there's not enough ex-wife star characters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:11] Or main character's friend as the main character.

[1:42:15] So anyway, that's a recommendation from the most important mom in my life, my wife, to you.

[1:42:22] Any other moms or guys who want to watch mom stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:24] Wow, that's great.

[1:42:25] It's really nice that you do a shout out to your wife when she's never going to listen to this ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:29] Because I think about her even when it's not going to help me in some way.

[1:42:34] That doesn't make any sense at all.

[1:42:35] She's half of my soul, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:39] Look, I'm not going to lie to you.

[1:42:42] This podcast has gone long.

[1:42:43] And we're using a new method to record this podcast, which has been problematic.

[1:42:48] We're figuring it out still.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:49] I mean, the audience listening may not notice that, but we certainly feel it.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:53] Yeah.

[1:42:54] So we're going to cut this podcast short.

[1:42:58] How much shorter did we say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:59] Dan, what are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:01] When I say short, I'm going to say long.

S3

[1:43:04] But I just mean that we're going to say goodbye right now.

[1:43:08] Sit in our primer boxes.

[1:43:09] Go back.

[1:43:10] And not do some of these bits.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:13] So for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:16] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:43:19] Elliot Kalin over here saying, hey, guys.

[1:43:21] And thanks, Paul.

S3

[1:43:23] Hey, I'll be your new Elliot Kalin soon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:25] Paul Warren.

[1:43:26] Oh, can I get a real, real, real quick plug?

[1:43:28] Yeah.

[1:43:28] It's the reason I came here.

[1:43:29] Not really, but.

[1:43:30] Dan, you'll just edit this part out.

[1:43:31] Yeah, just edit it out.

[1:43:32] Yeah, go ahead, Paul.

[1:43:32] This is great.

[1:43:33] Just edit this part out.

S3

[1:43:33] First of all, I'm part of Paul and Storm Comedy Music Duo.

[1:43:35] Find us on everything at Paul and Storm.

[1:43:38] Also, we help run an annual cruise, the JoCo Cruise, which is a music and comedy and nerd

[1:43:43] cruise festival.

[1:43:45] It's a real good time.

[1:43:46] We're doing our eighth one, February 18th to 25th, 2018.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:50] In some ways, it is like Flophouse adjacent.

[1:43:53] Yeah, a lot of people we know are involved on that.

[1:43:57] Including Paul.

S3

[1:43:57] Once you guys show me the right price, maybe it will be Flophouse including.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:03] Oh, wow.

[1:44:04] Not that off air.

[1:44:05] But you can go to joocruise.com.

S3

[1:44:07] It's run by.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:07] It's like we show you the right price.

[1:44:10] What is that?

[1:44:10] Pay for play?

[1:44:11] What's going on here?

[1:44:11] Totally.

[1:44:13] A whole bunch of great guests.

[1:44:14] Are cabins available now?

S3

[1:44:15] Cabins are available now.

[1:44:16] It is run by internet singer-songwriter Jonathan Colton.

[1:44:19] Also, we run at Paul and Storm and another friend of ours and a bunch of great guests.

[1:44:23] Comedy, music, fun, the ocean.

[1:44:26] Leaves out of San Diego, goes down Mexican Riviera.

[1:44:30] Go to the website to find out lots more information about it.

[1:44:32] If you listen to this show, you would enjoy it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:35] Hey, let's say you're a nerd.

[1:44:37] You like funny stuff.

[1:44:38] You're worried about going on a cruise because you don't want people like jocks and suburban people.

[1:44:41] Yeah, you don't want it to be all hard bodies.

[1:44:43] Making fun of your pale, withered form.

[1:44:45] Hey, guys.

[1:44:46] Here's a cruise ship just for you.

S3

[1:44:49] No swirlies.

[1:44:49] Our guarantee.

[1:44:50] It's a 100% no swirly cruise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:52] Well, none of the vlapas on board.

[1:44:54] Oh.

[1:44:55] Ooh.

[1:44:57] Ooh.

[1:44:59] Thanks for being with us, Paul.

[1:45:00] Thanks for having me.

[1:45:01] This was great.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:01] Yeah, that was a lot of fun.

[1:45:02] We're saying goodbye.

[1:45:04] Bye.

[1:45:05] Bye.

[1:45:06] Bye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:09] Goodbye.

[1:45:10] Bart sound effect.

[1:45:27] Okay.

[1:45:27] Let's try it.

[1:45:31] Nice fart sounds.

[1:45:33] The nicest.

[1:45:35] I won a contest.

[1:45:39] Um.

[1:45:43] Better things come in more than threes.

[1:45:47] Nobody says good things come in threes.

[1:45:49] I just did.

[1:45:50] Good things come in small packages.

[1:45:52] And deaths come in threes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:53] And good things come to those who wait.

[1:45:56] A Heinz ketchup.

[1:45:57] And good deaths come in threes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:58] And the Lord helps those who help themselves.

[1:46:02] The end.

[1:46:03] I stand corrected.

S3

[1:46:05] Maximumfun.org.

[1:46:07] Comedy and culture.

[1:46:08] Artist owned.

[1:46:09] Listener supported.

Ep. #231 - Mother's Day

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description