Ep.#233 - The Comedian

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the comedian.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] What's the deal with airline food? Am I right?

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] Hey, what's going on, Dan? I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] Hey, Dan and Stu. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] And, hey, get this, get this.

[0:44] I didn't see you over there, Elliot.

[0:44] Get this. Hey, you talking to me?

[0:48] Who am I? Who am I? You talking to me?

[0:52] Hey, I'm a young Don Corleone.

[0:54] You're my friend Elliot.

[0:55] No, no, who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Okay.

[0:57] I'm the fan.

Dan McCoy

[0:59] You're my friend Elliot, who I've known for like a decade.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] Who am I? Hey, guys, bang the drum slowly.

[1:05] It was one of his first breakout roles.

[1:08] Really?

[1:08] Okay, who am I? Who am I?

[1:11] You're a Bronxdale.

[1:12] Okay, yeah, Heat.

[1:14] Okay.

[1:15] You feeling hot?

[1:17] Okay, wait, who am I? The last tycoon.

[1:18] Buster Poindexter.

[1:20] No. Okay, Stuart, you guess.

[1:23] Okay, who am I?

[1:24] The last tycoon.

[1:25] Hey, I'm meeting my new son-in-law. I'm the parent.

[1:28] And he's meeting me.

[1:31] And now I'm going to meet the Falkers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33] That one was a long ride, but I think I got to the destination.

[1:36] Okay, so who am I?

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] You're Bobby D, Robert De Niro.

[1:40] That's right. Thanks for picking up the slack.

[1:42] Dan, do you know what impressions are?

Dan McCoy

[1:44] I was doing some pretty spot-on Robert De Niro impressions.

[1:47] The Impressionists were a group of French artists, mostly, who used globs of painting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] Globs of painting?

Dan McCoy

[1:57] Globs of painting to make their paintings.

[2:01] And, oh boy.

[2:03] Can I take your history of Western art course, Dan?

[2:05] Sure.

[2:06] It's mostly old Playboys.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Students, please turn to the turn-ons and turn-offs of May 1974.

Stuart Wellington

[2:18] Let me direct your attention to National Lampoon Magazine, the magazine that proved you can have a boner in life at the same time.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] No, Dan, I really want to see you teaching, lecturing about Playboy, and you're like, as we can see here, these models are truly, as the cover promises, wet and wild.

[2:38] Turning to the next example.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] Now, whether or not these models have a college degree, as is suggested by the Girls of the Southern Colleges designation.

Elliott Kalan

[2:51] Girls of the Southern Colleges.

[2:54] Girls of the Southern Colleges.

Stuart Wellington

[2:57] I mean, they're still in school at this point, right?

[3:01] That's part of the attraction.

[3:03] I guess so.

[3:04] So they don't have a degree at all, Dan.

[3:07] Yeah, all right.

[3:08] What if they're in their school for their graduate degree?

Dan McCoy

[3:10] Maybe they're graduates.

[3:12] You're saying that part of the attraction is that they're working for their education.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] Yeah, I like their get-up-and-go spirit.

[3:17] Yeah, yeah.

[3:18] It's part of what's sexy about them is that they're not yet these kind of conformist, fully formed, like,

[3:25] beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop, beep-boop.

[3:26] I am a, I have just a worker and I have my career.

[3:29] No, they're-

Stuart Wellington

[3:29] Try my brand of fancy vodka.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] They're, they're, they're not Svenka robots.

[3:34] Yeah.

[3:35] They're, uh, they're at this point in their lives when, like, the future is ahead of them.

[3:39] They can take any path.

[3:40] And they're learning about the great thinkers and thoughts of Western and Eastern civilization, frankly.

[3:47] Dan, why should it just be this Eurocentric, uh, you know-

[3:51] Yeah, Dan.

[3:51] Crisis of the West type syllabus when there's so much thought coming out of, say, China or the African nations, that, India,

[4:00] that they could easily find to open their minds and open their lives so that when they take off their clothes in front of a photographer,

[4:06] for it to be airbrushed later for the profiteering of an old man who takes pills so that he can have sex with four blonde women who are not enjoying themselves at once in a smelly, run-down old house.

[4:18] What, why?

[4:19] That they won't mean something.

Dan McCoy

[4:20] I'm not arguing against this.

[4:22] If a model wants to subscribe to the Taoist principle of the uncarved block, I say, great, go for it.

[4:28] You're saying you want to carve that block.

[4:30] Okay.

[4:31] We've been gross.

[4:32] This has been a gross way to start this episode.

Stuart Wellington

[4:34] So, guys, uh, let me just throw a flag on this play.

[4:37] This is officially a no bozo zone.

[4:40] No, oh, no, no, no bozos.

[4:42] So, we were being bozos before, now it's a no bozo zone.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] I apologize for our bozosity.

[4:47] It's okay.

[4:48] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:49] Aside from being bozos and then feel bad about our bozoness.

Dan McCoy

[4:52] Uh, it's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[4:56] And tonight we watched a movie that made me angry.

[5:00] Not hangry.

[5:02] Nope.

[5:02] I had a nice meal.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] Yeah, it didn't take your food away.

[5:05] But.

Elliott Kalan

[5:06] The movie didn't reach out into the physical world and steal your food like some kind of stay tuned.

[5:11] The anger remained, however.

[5:14] Yeah, the anger was there, yeah.

[5:15] And we watched it.

[5:16] We watched a movie called Comedian.

[5:18] This is the movie in which, which manages to reunite Robert De Niro with both his Mean Streets co-star Harvey Keitel and his Analyze This Co-star Billy Crystal.

[5:28] And.

[5:28] Let me just jump in here, guys.

[5:30] None of what either of those movies tries to do.

Stuart Wellington

[5:31] If you're listening to this podcast and you saw the title of the episode and you're like, the comedian, huh?

[5:36] This must be like one of those WTF with Marc Maron episodes.

[5:39] It is not.

[5:40] This is a movie starring Robert De Niro.

Elliott Kalan

[5:42] Except, Dan, you were going to talk about your cat and some out-of-town shows you played for about 10 minutes, right?

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Yeah.

[5:48] Right on top.

[5:49] And just like some general like grousing and talk about my therapy.

Elliott Kalan

[5:53] Tell us about stamps.com.

[5:55] And let me just press the 15-second skip forward button 100 times so I can get through it.

[6:00] And we're clear?

[6:01] And we're done.

[6:02] Great.

[6:02] Okay.

[6:03] Now we're into your extremely interesting interview with Stevie Van Zandt.

[6:08] What?

[6:09] Wow, little Stevie.

[6:11] So what was it like making The Sopranos?

[6:13] You didn't train as an actor.

[6:15] I mean, that's nuts.

[6:16] Wait a second.

[6:18] No.

[6:18] Hold on.

[6:19] Incorrect.

[6:21] So the comedian is, what kind of movie would you say this is?

[6:25] A comedy?

[6:25] I call it a dramedy.

[6:27] Because the title makes me think it's going to be a comedy.

Dan McCoy

[6:30] I would say it's serial comic.

[6:33] Well, it's full of cereal?

[6:34] Yeah.

[6:35] It's a serial comic.

[6:37] Like, you know, the Coco Pops guy.

[6:41] Really funny.

[6:42] Super funny guy.

[6:44] Have you seen his Showtime special?

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:49] It's inside the cuckoo mines of the Coco Pops guy.

[6:53] Inside the cuckoo mines.

[6:56] That's the bird fellow, right?

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] Yeah, he's the bird fellow.

[6:59] I think you could just say bird.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] What's the association?

[7:01] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] Do you think there's some kind of, okay, get this guy.

[7:04] Birds love chocolate.

[7:05] Get this, guys.

[7:06] They don't.

[7:07] Get this, guys.

[7:08] Maybe they do.

[7:09] I don't know.

[7:09] There's, okay, there's a club for bird comedians.

[7:13] Toucan Sam hangs out there, the Coco Pops cuckoo, and it's called the Flyers Club.

[7:19] Oh, shit.

[7:20] That's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] I guess we can just shut it down now.

[7:25] Yeah, I think we achieved our work on this earthly plane.

Stuart Wellington

[7:28] Yeah.

[7:28] Lord, take us.

[7:31] Lord, take all my earthly possessions so I can dedicate the rest of my life to building the Flyers Club.

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] So, the comedian is an attempt at a comedy.

[7:43] Yeah.

[7:43] It's got some dramatic elements.

[7:45] And the reason this movie seemed irresistible to us, we have to give a tip of the hat to one Nathan Raven.

[7:52] Yeah.

[7:52] One N.

[7:53] Raven.

[7:54] Who wrote about it on his website.

[7:55] Last name with hell.

[7:56] And even his description of it, in many ways, failed to prepare me for the movie that we were about to see.

[8:02] And how, what a meandering piece of unfunny work it is.

[8:09] Oh, don't worry.

[8:09] What an unfunny piece of work is, man.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] How ignoble in reason.

[8:14] I don't know how it goes.

[8:15] Luckily, it's only an hour and a half.

[8:16] I just gave.

[8:17] I battled on that one.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] I'm sorry for talking over you, Dan.

[8:21] No, no, no.

[8:21] I've had a rough day, you know.

[8:23] Yeah, tell us about your bed.

[8:24] I just moved apartments.

[8:26] And I spent most of the day, like, putting up blinds and hanging some drapes.

[8:32] And I just, I just dragged.

Elliott Kalan

[8:33] A lot of window things.

[8:35] The windows are taken care of.

Stuart Wellington

[8:37] The rest of the apartment is a mess.

[8:38] I gotta say, though, guys.

[8:38] Well, he lives in the Peeping Tom district.

[8:42] Like, when I picked up that power drill and I wrapped my fingies around it, and I'm just

[8:47] like, more power, am I right?

[8:50] Yeah.

[8:51] And then what did your.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] Ooh, ah, ah.

[8:53] No.

[8:53] I don't know if that's how it goes.

[8:55] That's crazy, right?

[8:56] Yeah.

[8:57] Ooh, ee, ooh, ah, ah.

[8:58] That's how Jim Allen's catchphrase goes.

[9:01] Let's talk about The Comedian, a movie that stars Robert De Niro as the titular comedian.

[9:07] Sure.

[9:07] And now this is, here's something I want to get off of my chest right away.

[9:11] Yeah.

[9:12] It's a spider.

[9:12] Yeah.

[9:14] It's on me now.

[9:15] Here's something I want to get off my chest right away.

[9:16] I love comedy.

[9:17] I love stand-up comedy.

[9:19] Yeah.

[9:19] I think there may be few things I find less entertaining in a movie than scenes of people performing

[9:24] stand-up comedy.

Dan McCoy

[9:25] Wait, you don't like it when they run through a montage of stand-ups doing three seconds of

[9:31] material to wild applause from the audience and orgasmic response?

Elliott Kalan

[9:38] I think it's, I think maybe that's it, is that you just get a snippet of a joke, not even

[9:43] a whole joke a lot of the time.

[9:45] And then they cut to an audience response that is rarely connected to what you've just seen.

[9:52] In the movie we watched Mother's Day a few episodes ago, there was a similar thing where

[9:56] people were performing stand-up comedy and the audience would just be, I guess the director

[9:59] just told them like, laugh big.

[10:01] This is the funniest thing you've ever seen.

[10:03] And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

[10:07] to every joke.

Dan McCoy

[10:08] Not every joke is meant to elicit that kind of laugh.

[10:10] It's like you're in Cape Fear trying to annoy.

[10:14] Another Robert De Niro movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] Look, I'd just like to imagine what would Burl Ives sound like if he thought something

[10:18] was really funny.

[10:20] And he was also Santa.

[10:22] So can you think of a movie that has-

[10:23] A good way to get another Robert De Niro movie in there.

[10:25] Let's see if we can get some more in here.

Stuart Wellington

[10:26] I know, Dan, you have something on the tip of your tongue.

[10:29] What is a movie with a great stand-up performance in it?

[10:35] Don't say Eddie Murphy Delirious because that's a whole stand-up movie.

Dan McCoy

[10:42] You know, there was that movie, Chucklers.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] I think you're making that one.

[10:50] Laffy Taffy.

[10:51] No, that's a candy.

[10:53] What was that movie where Julie Kavner became a stand-up comic?

[10:56] Jokesies.

[10:57] Oh, I like the-

[11:00] Dan Aykroyd's in it too, I think.

[11:01] I like-

[11:01] No, I don't know that one.

Stuart Wellington

[11:02] I think I remember liking the stand-up bits in Obvious Child.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] Okay, I'll give you that.

[11:07] I feel like in Obvious Child, those stand-up scenes feel like you're actually watching a

[11:11] stand-up act.

Stuart Wellington

[11:12] Yeah, and it also feels kind of, if I remember correctly, it feels like it was tied to the

[11:17] events of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] Yes.

[11:19] It felt a little more organic, and also they kind of, I think, have the laughs underplay

[11:25] a little bit.

[11:26] Like, genuinely funny jokes, kind of a little bit of a response, which I'll totally accept

[11:31] much more than a movie.

[11:33] I'd much rather the movie air in that direction.

[11:35] Yeah.

[11:36] You'll allow it.

[11:37] Because in this movie, Robert De Niro plays a comedian who is not funny at all.

[11:43] But if you were a member of any of the audiences in the movie, you are watching-

[11:47] It's kind of like a roast comedian, right?

[11:49] Yeah, he's like kind of a filthy, just kind of like complains about everything.

[11:52] Yeah, roasty, uh, like-

Stuart Wellington

[11:54] But like, it's not like he's doing like storytelling or slice of life.

[11:57] It's always like talking about being old and having your balls dragged along the ground

[12:01] and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] Yeah, it's not even like observational.

[12:03] It's like, let me tell you, marriage.

[12:05] Oh boy, hope you like getting fucked or some kind of stupid thing.

[12:10] Like-

[12:10] Wow.

[12:11] There's one funny joke in the whole movie in terms of a stand-of-act.

[12:14] Stuart was out of the room when it happened, and Dan and I both laughed at it, where Robert

[12:19] De Niro, and this will not make sense in context either, is he's at his brother Danny DeVito's

[12:24] daughter's wedding.

[12:25] His daughter is a lesbian, and she's getting married in an incredibly over-the-top lavish

[12:31] Jewish wedding.

[12:32] I guess it's not incredibly over-the-top lavish, but it's just like, everything's super glossy,

[12:37] but it's at one of those like big Brooklyn Queens wedding halls.

[12:40] And it's like the Grand Prospect Hall.

[12:42] I've been to a lot of our vizs in similar places.

[12:45] Yeah, yeah.

[12:46] It's an event hall.

[12:48] And he gets up to the day, and his niece, who loves his comedy, says like, you gotta go up

[12:54] there.

[12:54] His name's Jackie Burke.

[12:55] Jackie, you gotta go up there and talk.

[12:57] And he goes up and starts doing his act, and he's sitting between, he's standing between

[13:01] these two enormous chairs that the bride and bride were sitting in, and he just kind of

[13:06] goes like, these chairs aren't big enough.

[13:09] And that was by far the funniest joke in the whole movie.

Dan McCoy

[13:13] But anyway.

[13:14] You know what?

[13:15] It was funny, because it was true.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] It was so, it was very, I mean it was not, those were very big chairs.

[13:20] It was the only time in the movie you felt like a comedian was observing a real thing that

[13:24] was absurd and commenting on it in a way that was not like.

[13:27] We all understand what big chairs are like.

[13:29] Yeah.

[13:30] And commenting on it in a way that was not over-the-top like.

[13:35] Anyway.

[13:36] Elliot, you're gesturing a lot, and it's making me uncomfortable.

[13:39] And the audience can't see it anyway, I realized halfway through my gesture.

[13:42] But let's talk about the plot.

[13:44] So, Robert De Niro plays...

[13:45] Do we have to?

[13:47] We have to still.

[13:48] Oh!

[13:49] Oh yeah, that's the kind of joke they do in the movie.

[13:51] Play as Jackie Burke, an aging comedian.

[13:54] He's Robert De Niro.

[13:54] He's not playing the young up-and-coming comedian.

[13:56] The man's in his 70s, I think.

[13:58] Maybe since his late 60s.

[14:00] Dan, how old is Robert De Niro?

[14:01] Just guess off the top of your head.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] 412.

Elliott Kalan

[14:04] I mean, he's...

[14:05] Probably, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:06] He's fucking cut, though, right?

[14:07] Like, he's in good shape.

[14:09] Well, he actually is in pretty good shape for his day.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] I mean, he's like popping up and down like, I wish I could do that now.

[14:13] No, no, no.

[14:13] I mean, he's energetic, but he has a paunch.

[14:15] Like, he's not...

[14:16] No, but he's in good shape.

Dan McCoy

[14:17] Like, for his age, he's not doing that.

[14:19] He's nimble, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] No, he is nimble.

[14:21] That's true.

[14:21] He jumped over a candlestick?

[14:24] Is that where you're going with that?

[14:24] Yes, that's exactly where it was going, Dan.

[14:27] So thanks a lot for stealing my Jack B. Nimble joke.

[14:34] Jackie B. Nimble.

[14:35] He just plays Jackie B. Nimble.

[14:36] A comedian whose big act involves being quick and jumping over a candlestick.

[14:42] And he has a rivalry with fellow kid nursery rhyme comedian,

[14:47] Jackie Horner, who sits in a corner eating a pudding and pie.

[14:50] He puts in his thumb and pulls out a plum.

[14:52] And his punchline, he says, what a good boy am I.

[14:54] The audience says, eat it up, just like he eats up that plum.

Dan McCoy

[14:57] Jack Spratt, he has a dual...

[14:59] It's a comedy duo, yeah.

[15:00] Yeah, one of them, get this, is super fat.

[15:04] No.

[15:05] And she can eat no lean.

[15:07] Oh.

[15:08] But Jack, he's super thin.

[15:11] Okay.

[15:11] And he can eat no fat.

[15:13] Oh, that's pretty good.

[15:14] But between the two of them, get this.

[15:17] They look the platter queen.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Oh, wow.

[15:19] Well, there's also this trapeze act.

[15:21] Brother and sister, Jack and Jill, they go up a hill.

[15:24] The story is they're fetching a pail of water.

[15:26] Then Jack falls down.

[15:27] It's a tumbling duo.

[15:28] And Jill falls after.

[15:30] Crowns are broken.

[15:31] Hearts sore.

[15:33] And funny bones are tickled.

[15:35] Yeah, is this all one show?

[15:36] Yeah, it's a huge show.

[15:38] It was a benefit for Mr. Kite, I believe.

Dan McCoy

[15:40] You'd be surprised.

[15:42] And the things Little Miss Muffet can do with her toughest, you know what I mean?

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] That's more of a, like...

[15:47] That's an after dark.

[15:48] That's the kind of show that sailors go to on shore leave in Havana.

[15:54] Anyway, he's Jackie Burke.

[15:56] He's an aging comedian who, in the 80s, played a kind of like Al Bundy type, like, not PC

[16:03] dad on a show called Eddie's Home.

Dan McCoy

[16:06] It looked like maybe it was like...

[16:08] Yeah, it was either...

[16:09] Yeah, a...

[16:11] Fuck.

[16:12] What?

[16:13] Married with Children.

[16:13] Or it was like a Norman Lear style comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[16:16] It looked like they were trying to have it kind of both ways.

[16:18] Yeah.

[16:19] But, I mean, Married with Children...

[16:21] I mean, Al Bundy is essentially...

[16:25] Now I can't remember...

[16:26] Carol Connor in All of Family.

Dan McCoy

[16:28] What's his character's name?

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] With less...

[16:30] No, but what's his character's name?

[16:32] Archie Bunker.

[16:33] Thank you.

[16:33] He's a...

[16:33] Oh, that's who you named your cat after.

[16:35] So anyway...

[16:35] No, no, no.

[16:36] Because you agreed with his politics.

[16:37] No.

[16:38] He's essentially like a non-politically relevant Archie Bunker.

[16:41] Mm-hmm.

[16:42] Yeah, and I mean, like, grosser.

[16:44] A much grosser.

[16:45] I mean, they could get away with more.

[16:46] He's flushing toilets.

[16:47] He's sticking his hand in his pants.

[16:48] No-mamming it up.

[16:49] He's always no-mamming it.

[16:51] Founding the church of no-mam.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] Now, one of the things that bugs me, and my wife...

[16:55] This better be about Married with Children.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] My wife and I talk about...

[16:57] This bunny!

[16:58] I'm just trying to kill him with my rifle, and he's bugging me!

[17:03] Luckily, sometimes this duck comes along and convinces me to shoot him in the face.

Stuart Wellington

[17:06] In the first season of Married with Children, Kelly Bundy was just a slut.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Okay.

[17:13] But in the second season...

[17:15] I don't like the terminology, but...

Stuart Wellington

[17:16] But, like, that's how they, like...

[17:17] Sure.

[17:17] I mean, that's obviously shorthand.

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] They played her up as being...

[17:21] Yeah, it stands for sexually libidinous, underwhelming talent.

[17:25] Wow.

[17:26] But...

[17:26] Which is strange, because she's actually very talented.

Stuart Wellington

[17:28] She is very talented.

[17:29] In the second season, and onward, they made her dumb.

[17:33] They made...

[17:33] She got...

[17:34] Like, she wasn't dumb at first, which is, like...

[17:37] Well, it's, like, a lot of...

[17:38] I mean, it is...

[17:39] It took at least some of the onus away from her.

[17:42] Like, if she was...

[17:43] She doesn't know any better.

[17:45] That was kind of the thing they were doing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] She's like a character out of, like, a Playboy cartoon, who's just kind of falling into bed

[17:52] and is constantly being tricked by horny old men.

[17:54] She doesn't know any better.

[17:55] More out of a ribbled Henry Fielding novel.

[18:00] Thanks for classing it up, Dan.

[18:02] But it's also something that happens in sitcoms where the characters kind of get dumber over time.

[18:06] Like, Homer Simpson, at this point, I don't know how he can breathe.

[18:09] And you look even at, like, a show like Arrested Development, the characters got pretty dumb in the fourth season.

[18:16] Like, Archer, the characters got fairly dumb as the show went on.

[18:20] Like, the characters can never grow or the show ends.

[18:24] So they just got...

[18:25] But you have to justify them not changing after years of the same problems.

[18:28] So they get stupider over time.

[18:30] Unless it's a show like Night Court, which just continues to be perfect from episode one to episode 100.

[18:36] Yeah.

[18:36] Everyone, a multifaceted jewel.

[18:40] It's truly the Eugene O'Neill of sitcoms.

[18:43] Anyway, because he wrote a couple episodes.

[18:46] Yeah.

[18:47] So, Jackie Burke.

[18:48] He was on this show at his home.

[18:50] Has he played Ed O'Neill, star of Married with Children?

[18:53] Eugene O'Neill?

[18:54] Yeah.

[18:55] Probably not.

[18:56] But you never know, possibly.

[18:58] They're both real O'Neills.

[19:01] And so, it's hard for him to get out of the shadow of this character.

[19:05] He's struggling.

[19:05] And his manager, Edie Falco, who's the daughter of his original manager, now passed.

[19:09] And the daughter of a Falcon.

[19:11] Sorry.

[19:11] Come on.

[19:12] Her dad was recording star Falco.

[19:15] Yeah.

[19:15] Uh-huh.

[19:15] Who did the song Rock Me Amadeus.

Stuart Wellington

[19:17] Yeah.

[19:17] Austria's shining sun.

[19:19] Mm-hmm.

[19:20] Yeah.

[19:21] I agree with everything you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[19:22] I remember you looking at me.

[19:23] When he died and the king of Austria said, the sun has set on our fair duchy.

[19:29] Mm-hmm.

[19:29] And then Austria blacked out the sun over their entire nation.

[19:34] Yeah.

[19:35] They put a huge tarp over it.

[19:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] They squirted Mozart kugeln up into the sky.

Dan McCoy

[19:40] And that's what inspired the song Black Hole Sun.

[19:43] Oh, I thought you were going to say that's what inspired the song Pass the Duchy on the

[19:45] left-hand side.

[19:49] Oh, okay.

[19:52] Tuned out for a little while.

Elliott Kalan

[19:54] I heard the word duchy and I.

[19:56] Mm-hmm.

[19:57] Sure.

[19:57] Anyway, Jackie Burke.

[19:58] We're three seconds into this movie.

[20:00] Sorry.

[20:01] Jackie Burke is not very successful these days, but he gets a misfortune.

[20:06] And turns into fortune when, while he's performing at a very underattended oldies show at an

[20:11] Outer Burroughs comedy club.

[20:13] After some really snappy credits.

[20:14] Oh, there's tons of jazz in this movie, too.

[20:16] Hey, you know what makes me think about New York in the 21st century?

[20:19] And comedy.

[20:20] And comedy?

[20:21] Jazz.

[20:22] Because you know who's the only comedian ever in history?

[20:25] Woody Allen.

[20:26] And so every comedian is just like him and they all love jazz and they're all old in

[20:30] New York.

Dan McCoy

[20:31] Right, Dan?

[20:31] They're a bunch of real jazz bows, which I guess is what jazz is short for.

[20:37] What?

[20:37] I just made that up.

[20:38] Is that racist?

[20:39] It sounds vaguely racist.

[20:40] It sounds racist, doesn't it?

[20:42] Yeah, it does.

[20:42] Now I feel bad about saying it.

[20:44] But it was just a bunch of gibberish that I came up with.

[20:46] Sure it was, Dan.

[20:47] Yeah, gibberish hurts.

[20:49] Gibberish does hurt.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] Okay, so.

[20:53] I think that's the fucking summary of this dumb podcast.

[20:56] While he's, let me get through the first scene of the movie.

[21:00] While he is, I guess the first scene is him just being on the way to this show.

[21:05] While he's performing, a guy in the audience starts heckling him.

[21:08] It turns out he and his wife have snuck in their own camera and they are recording a video

[21:14] podcast called Stand Up Takedown, where they just go and heckle stand up comedians.

[21:19] It doesn't seem sustainable.

[21:21] You'd feel like word would pass around the New York stand up community that these jerks

[21:25] are going around ruining acts and then putting the video up online.

[21:29] At least it would be mentioned on like Split Cider, you know, or something like that.

[21:33] Yeah, everyone's favorite comedy rag.

[21:35] And Jackie does not like this.

[21:38] He goes deep into the crowd, gets into a physical scuffle with this man over the control

[21:41] of the microphone, and hits the man in the face of the microphone to the point that

[21:44] blood is pouring out of the man's orifices.

Stuart Wellington

[21:47] This is when he's performing that old timers night where for some inexplicable reason,

[21:51] there's a large bachelorette party.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] Yes, because that's what you find in comedy clubs.

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] And it appears to be on a weeknight as well.

[21:59] Now, I haven't.

[22:00] And it's raining.

[22:01] Yeah, I haven't tread the boards, guys, as a stand up.

[22:05] But I would imagine that the club would be somewhat responsible for providing some level

[22:10] of security to prevent people from videotaping like a stand up takedown.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] I would think so.

[22:19] I would think that they would not.

[22:20] I mean, it is a real problem for a lot of stand ups that people go in and try to record

[22:23] the acts with their phones.

[22:25] I've never heard of anyone recording a show where they're a heckler of real stand up acts.

[22:30] Maybe it's one of those things where the solution doesn't exist until the problem exists.

[22:34] Look, they didn't have us take off our shoes before we got on planes, before someone tried

[22:39] to blow up a plane with a shoe.

[22:40] It was after.

[22:41] Now that we're all aware of stand up takedown, finally we can do something about it.

[22:45] Dan, what's your strategy?

[22:47] What's your solution?

[22:48] Solution to stand up takedown?

[22:50] Yes.

[22:50] It's ravaging the stand up community.

Dan McCoy

[22:53] Full strip searches.

[22:55] Like 100%.

Elliott Kalan

[22:55] Well, Dan, same solution to every problem.

[22:59] Dan, what do you say about the unfair consequences of globalization?

[23:03] It's hitting the country's hardest that need help the most.

[23:06] Probably full strip searches.

Stuart Wellington

[23:09] Stuart, what were you going to say?

[23:10] I was going to say during the movie, I remember Dan just complaining that, you know, hardworking

[23:15] stand up comedians can't play college campuses anymore.

[23:18] Right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] Yeah, Dan, you said something about PC culture being out of control.

Dan McCoy

[23:22] I don't like you guys anymore.

[23:25] This movie is.

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] And when we told you that wasn't cool, you said it told us to cut it out, which is just

[23:30] stealing Dave Coulier's bit.

Dan McCoy

[23:31] You say that, but this, a lot of Jackie's personality is that guy.

[23:38] That guy is like, oh, I can't make these jokes anymore.

[23:42] Like, everyone is too sensitive these days.

[23:45] Except he exists in a world where everyone loves those jokes.

[23:48] Also, they find it hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[23:49] They all find it hilarious.

[23:51] Mostly.

[23:51] It gets raw as hell, dude.

[23:53] Yeah, it's real.

[23:54] It's real.

Stuart Wellington

[23:54] He's speaking truth to power.

[23:55] He just fucking sets flame all over the place, bro.

Elliott Kalan

[23:59] He's burning the system down.

[24:01] Jackie has to go to court, and when he refuses to apologize to the guy that he hit for ruining

[24:08] his act, he's sent to 30 days in jail.

[24:11] Those 30 days pass pretty fast.

[24:13] Within a cut, he's out of jail.

[24:15] We get a couple of shots of dudes' butts.

[24:17] Yeah.

[24:17] Taking a shower in a cell, which seemed weird.

[24:20] Yeah.

[24:20] And soon he's out of jail.

[24:23] His manager picks him up, and he's very mad at her.

[24:26] And he has to do community service.

[24:29] But before that, he goes to a little deli run by his brother, Danny DeVito, and his brother's

[24:34] wife, Patti LuPone.

[24:36] And Patti LuPone does not like him.

[24:38] And the viewer can sympathize, because he, so far, incredibly unlikable.

[24:43] And does he ever do anything in the movie to make us like him, Jan?

Dan McCoy

[24:47] He eventually is nice to a child.

Elliott Kalan

[24:53] Okay.

[24:53] That's fair.

[24:54] Eventually.

[24:55] Now, there's another parallel.

[24:56] He asked for money from Danny DeVito.

[24:58] He's having a hard time getting work.

[25:00] At the same time, we are introduced to a new character in a different scene.

[25:03] So not at the same exact time.

[25:04] But it's the same movie.

[25:05] Played by Leslie Mann.

[25:07] Thanks for specifying.

[25:08] It's in the same movie.

[25:09] Leslie Mann is a young lady whose life has gone on the wrong tracks.

[25:12] She's had her own infractions with the law.

[25:14] It all started when she was born out of the wiener of Harvey Keitel.

[25:17] Harvey Keitel plays her dad, who seems to be very wealthy.

[25:21] But not quite.

[25:22] I guess he's a gangster or something.

[25:23] I couldn't quite tell what he did.

[25:25] Was he a bookie?

[25:26] Was he a gambler?

Dan McCoy

[25:26] He was a model of purple ties on black shirts.

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] That's what he did for his living.

[25:33] Sounds about right.

[25:34] They don't have a great relationship.

[25:35] And he thinks that she's made a mess of her life.

[25:38] Apparently, her boyfriend dumped her.

[25:40] She caught him in bed with another woman.

[25:42] And so she threw things at them and hurt both of them.

[25:44] And so now she does community service, too.

Stuart Wellington

[25:46] That sounds like one of those fake crimes that you want to invent where you're like,

[25:51] I want to say somebody committed a crime, but they did it for all the right reasons.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] Yeah, exactly.

[25:57] Maybe they did something wrong, but wouldn't you have done the same thing in that sitch?

Stuart Wellington

[26:03] This guy was in jail because he robbed a bank.

[26:05] But it was because the bank was full of starving puppies that needed to be rescued.

[26:10] This guy stole a loaf of bread to feed his family.

Elliott Kalan

[26:14] And his name?

[26:16] Jean Valjean?

[26:17] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[26:18] And it's up to me, Javert, to catch him.

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] Have you seen him?

Dan McCoy

[26:21] No.

[26:22] It's been like years and I've not caught this dude.

[26:25] No, he's definitely not me in a mustache and beard.

Elliott Kalan

[26:29] Because you look so much like him and I just thought you might be Jean Valjean.

[26:32] Are you sure?

[26:32] No, that's another guy.

[26:34] Back at the Paris police station, we have this board up where we have the crimes we haven't

[26:37] solved in red and the crimes we haven't solved in black.

[26:39] And like, my board just has this one name, Jean Valjean in red.

[26:43] They won't even let me pick up other crimes until I solve this one.

[26:45] And it's like, guys, it's been years.

[26:47] It's like all he stole was a loaf of bread.

[26:49] Can I at least get like a murder on top of this too?

[26:52] It's like, come on.

Dan McCoy

[26:53] If there's one thing I don't like, it's delicious bread.

[26:56] Oh, with its crusty outside and its chewy inside.

[27:00] You're right.

[27:01] Bread's great.

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] Well, if you think of anything else, if you see Jean Valjean, let me know.

[27:04] Here's my card.

[27:06] Unless, wait a second.

[27:08] Hold on.

[27:09] Stuart.

[27:10] Mm-hmm.

[27:10] Are you Jean Valjean?

[27:12] Mm-mm.

[27:12] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[27:14] Well, do you guys know where he might be?

[27:16] I actually haven't seen that play.

[27:18] It's pretty miserable, right?

[27:20] Oh!

Dan McCoy

[27:21] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Stuart Wellington

[27:26] That's Stuart.

[27:27] That's called being a comedian.

Elliott Kalan

[27:30] Look it up.

[27:31] Anyway, Robert De Niro and Leslie Mann are both doing community service at a homeless shelter

[27:37] at a church on Thanksgiving.

[27:39] And here's where we learn that, one, Robert De Niro's character, Jackie, cannot shut the fuck up.

[27:45] He is doing Thanksgiving-related shtick about having sex with turkeys just out loud to everybody

[27:52] in the room while he's serving people on a soup line.

[27:54] And the homeless guys-

[27:55] And he's not even, like, writing any of these jokes down.

[27:57] Like, he's not working on his act.

[27:59] He's just riffing, dude.

[28:00] He's a nonstop joke machine.

[28:01] And the homeless guys, being human beings who exist in the universe of this film, love it.

[28:06] They are eating it up even faster than they're eating up that turkey and gravy.

[28:10] Maybe the only hot meal they've had in weeks.

[28:12] And this is maybe the only hot set they've heard in weeks.

[28:15] Yeah, yeah.

[28:16] And so he's real-

[28:17] It's tough to get in the comedy cellar, dude.

[28:18] And what, to you or me, might seem to be kind of a selfish act, him turning this community

[28:23] service Thanksgiving line into his impromptu audience, which cannot leave because they

[28:28] literally are starving for what they're receiving at the moment.

[28:31] And so are forced to listen to his unfunny routine.

[28:34] It's almost like the real community service he's doing is delivering something that makes

[28:38] him laugh.

[28:39] But anyway, he and Leslie Mann have a meet-cute where-

[28:41] He's like a Patch Adams.

[28:44] They have a meet-cute where he is trying to get a voucher signed, and here's her on the

[28:48] phone complaining about somebody.

[28:50] Yeah.

[28:50] And here's, I think, where I'm going to pinpoint one of the problems with the movie.

[28:55] Now, Dan, if you could name two problems with this movie, what would they be?

[28:58] And then I'll tell you what my big problem is.

Dan McCoy

[28:59] Uh, the main character is totally unlikable.

[29:02] Mm-hmm.

[29:02] Okay.

[29:03] And all of his comedy is the sheerest hack work.

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] Okay.

[29:08] Now, here's where I tell you something that maybe not would fix that entirely, but would

[29:11] help a little bit.

[29:12] Okay.

[29:12] Now, this movie is about, essentially, two people who are down on their luck and are fairly

[29:19] unlikable.

[29:20] They're difficult to be around.

[29:22] Yeah.

[29:22] Leslie Mann's character as we meet her is very quick to get frustrated and swear and angry,

[29:27] pushes people away.

[29:28] Doesn't know how to get close to people.

[29:30] She's, it's easy to get into a confrontation with her.

[29:32] This is a movie about two very troubled people who find some kind of warmth for each other.

[29:38] Now, when did they make a lot of those movies?

[29:41] Like in the 70s and a little bit in the 80s.

[29:43] How did they shoot them?

[29:45] Did they shoot them with everything kind of flatly, evenly lit as if we were watching an

[29:49] episode of Modern Family with kind of like very big panning shots or, you know, static back

[29:56] and forths?

[29:57] No.

[29:58] They shot them kind of like as if it was a piece of real life you're looking at.

[30:01] Kind of handheld-y.

[30:03] Maybe things were a little dirty around the edges.

[30:05] Maybe the lighting wasn't perfect.

[30:06] And I think this movie-

Stuart Wellington

[30:09] Like the real New York, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[30:12] I think this movie would not have been good, but I think it would have been improved if

[30:18] they had shot it as if it was a movie like that.

[30:20] A slice of life about two people who are having problems and not as a heartwarming comedy about

[30:25] two people who are hilarious and everybody loves them.

Stuart Wellington

[30:29] Yeah, more of a slice of drive.

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] Oh, if only it was a slice of drive.

[30:33] I would have loved that.

[30:34] He would have been great in this movie.

[30:35] Actually, I'll tell you, Richard Dreyfuss in that part would have been much better.

[30:39] Yeah.

[30:40] He would have been a thousand times better.

[30:42] I'm saying this as somebody who was once an enormous Robert De Niro fan, but I've kind

[30:46] of, you know, as America has, I've lost my taste for him.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] Charles Grodin shows up later in the movie and we all agree that he would have been fantastic

[30:52] in the lead role.

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] Albert Brooks would have been great.

[30:55] Yeah.

[30:55] Oh, Albert Brooks.

[30:55] I think what those guys have is, one, they're genuinely funny.

[30:58] And two, but they're also genuinely prickly in a way that stops just short of being a

[31:04] total asshole.

[31:06] I mean, Charles Grodin often plays a character who's kind of a total asshole, but there's

[31:09] like, they could, they could tow that line between being like, where you're like, he's

[31:14] funny and he's difficult.

[31:16] He's kind of a dick, but he like, he's magnetic and he's funny.

[31:19] I see why people would, would care to be around this person or want to listen to them.

[31:23] You know, those are both good casting suggestions.

[31:25] Let's call up the people who made the movie and tell them to redo it.

[31:28] Shoot it more kind of handheld, more gritty.

[31:31] Get Albert Brooks in there.

Stuart Wellington

[31:33] And more, more car chases, you know?

Dan McCoy

[31:38] Yeah.

[31:39] It's New York.

[31:39] Just throw in a little, like, maybe one of those car chases where like a bicycle gets

[31:46] chased by a car.

[31:47] Like, yeah, like premium rush.

[31:48] Yeah.

[31:48] And the car, like the car can't go every place that the bicycle can go.

Elliott Kalan

[31:52] Until they hit the rocket booster button and the car turns into a plane.

[31:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:56] So.

[31:56] And then like a chud comes out of the subway.

[31:59] Exactly.

[32:00] A chud is taking the subway because he's got to get to work somehow.

[32:07] And he's like, uh, I had to get the $5 footlong because I'm hungry.

[32:12] Mm-hmm.

[32:13] See, subways have multiple meanings now, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[32:15] Oh, yeah.

[32:16] You're right.

[32:16] Because it's not just a, uh, it's not just a stuffy, smelly underground tube that you get

[32:23] stuck in next to people you're never going to meet again who want to stand as close to

[32:27] as possible.

[32:27] It's also food.

[32:29] Nothing makes you think, that sounds like a delicious sandwich.

[32:31] Oh, I thought you were going to go the other way.

[32:32] I'd be like, it's also a train.

[32:36] Uh, that would have been better.

[32:37] Better construction.

[32:38] Say, nothing makes me hungrier for a sandwich than thinking about being sweaty and angry

[32:44] when I hear, I was driving this train driving ahead of us.

[32:48] We're going to be stopped instead of moving shortly.

[32:50] And then I get stuck there for 25 minutes when I got to be somewhere.

[32:53] Showtime, everybody, showtime.

[32:54] And then shows off as dancing sales.

[32:55] And they go, move back, move back.

[32:57] And they get mad at you when you don't move because it's like, hey, when did this become,

[33:02] did I buy a ticket to this show?

[33:03] You're like, I'm not paying attention to your show.

[33:05] I'm busy reading my book.

[33:06] Oh, I'm definitely the guy who out of spite refuses to look at them and holds my book up

[33:11] even closer.

[33:12] Uh, what a lot of guys do to avoid giving their seats to pregnant women, which I, I will give

[33:16] my seat to a pregnant woman.

[33:17] I do to avoid noticing the people performing on the subway.

[33:20] As soon as I hear showtime, I say, no, I refuse to watch this show.

[33:24] You're like, no time.

[33:25] I have no time for this, mister.

[33:27] I say, well, call me Cinemax because I don't want showtime.

[33:31] I mean, they're usually a package deal nowadays.

[33:33] It's true.

[33:34] The triple play, Showtime, Cinemax, and HBO.

[33:36] You're buying it for HBO and Cinemax After Dark.

[33:39] You'll accept whatever original shows, I guess, Nurse Jackie.

[33:43] You're like, oh, Twin Peaks.

[33:44] Hey, these days stars might be thrown in there and you get that American God.

[33:47] You know, you don't know.

[33:48] Oh, that's true.

[33:49] Yeah.

[33:50] America's newest favorite delivery service for penises.

Stuart Wellington

[33:53] Like the new, uh, new season of, uh, Party Down probably, right?

Dan McCoy

[33:57] Oh, Stuart, I've got some really bad news for you.

Stuart Wellington

[33:59] No, I just love that show.

[34:00] It's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] Oh man, Stuart, I forgot that you fell into a coma while watching the season finale of

[34:06] Party Down.

[34:07] I guess it would have been a season finale, not a series finale, right?

Stuart Wellington

[34:10] I mean, oh boy.

Elliott Kalan

[34:12] Uh, so anyway, they meet and the fact that Leslie Mann is 30 to 35 years, maybe just 20

[34:20] to 30 years younger than Robert De Niro.

[34:23] Uh, does it-

[34:23] No, 30 to 35, I think.

[34:24] 30 to 35.

[34:25] Does it make it, uh, I believe you asked this question, Dan, so I'm going to ask you to

Dan McCoy

[34:28] answer it.

[34:28] No, wait, 30.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] Does it make it better or worse that the movie acknowledges the age difference between them

[34:34] and how crazy it is that this is the romantic interest for Robert De Niro?

Dan McCoy

[34:39] Yeah, it- it's hard to say.

[34:41] Like, the movie doesn't try and play it off like this is, like, a normal thing, like so

[34:45] many Hollywood movies do with an older man, younger woman.

[34:49] Like every movie Michael Douglas does?

[34:51] Mm-hmm.

[34:51] Or Jack Nicholson?

[34:52] I mean, I- like, it even goes back as far to, like, in, like, old Hollywood, like,

[34:57] charade or something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] But, uh-

[34:59] Cary Grant was 70 years older than Audrey Hepburn when they made the movie.

[35:03] What?

[35:04] He was great, though.

[35:05] But it's still, like-

Dan McCoy

[35:06] He was so, so attractive, even at that age, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:08] It still feels weird.

[35:09] If you look at his knees, you can tell.

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] Well, every time he moves in that movie, just pay attention, because they record the sound

[35:15] on set, and you'll hear-

[35:17] It's the grinding sound of his joints.

[35:19] Uh-huh.

[35:20] Very- I mean, they tried to tamp it down, and, uh, they tried to dub in very loud mariachi

[35:24] music over most of the scenes in charade to cover that up, but it didn't do a great

[35:28] job.

[35:29] Every now and then you'll hear an elephant go, woo!

[35:31] And that's to cover up an extremely loud fart that Cary Grant has let loose, because he

[35:35] can't really control his system at that point.

[35:37] And you know, there's certain times where you can see his face go a little red, and he glances

[35:42] at the camera, and you know- and the camera cuts abruptly to another scene, and you know

[35:46] that he's just about to tell Stanley Donnan, Stanley, I've got to let loose a big one.

[35:50] Cut the camera.

Dan McCoy

[35:53] That's a charade.

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] Yeah.

[35:56] So, Dan, does it make it better or worse that they call attention to how old he is?

Dan McCoy

[36:00] It feels really-

[36:01] It's called hanging a lampshade on him.

[36:02] They have like a conversation about how their age difference is a thing before they like

[36:08] have sex.

[36:09] And it- I don't know.

[36:11] It makes me feel uncomfortable either way, I guess is the short answer to that.

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] And I guess what I'm just realizing now is, 30 years from now, Paul Rudd will be making

[36:20] a movie about having sex with a woman who has not been born yet.

[36:24] Yeah, Paul Rudd, the ageless one?

[36:27] Yeah, in like- so maybe in 70 years.

[36:29] There's gonna become a time when Paul Rudd is an old man, and he's making a movie in which

[36:34] his co-star and romantic interest, as of the recording of this podcast, has not been born

[36:38] yet.

[36:39] She'll be like 27, and he'll be like in his late 60s.

[36:44] Wait.

[36:46] How old is Paul Rudd?

[36:47] Well, he was just in a movie called This is 40 a couple years ago.

[36:49] Yeah, but that doesn't mean shit, dude.

[36:51] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[36:51] Movie magic.

Stuart Wellington

[36:53] They use a lot of computers to de-age him.

[36:55] Did you see some clay-faced goop, and he's fucking up and running?

[36:57] No, but then he'll become a serial killer.

Dan McCoy

[36:59] I want to back up-

[37:01] Or a victim?

[37:02] I want to back up and just make one point about-

[37:04] Before they-

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] Let's pump the brakes, guys.

[37:06] We've been moving too quickly to this movie.

[37:08] Yeah, we're almost a half hour into a two-hour film.

Dan McCoy

[37:10] Before the two of them have sex.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] Which is much later in the film.

[37:14] Oh.

[37:14] It's after he takes her to his lesbian niece's wedding and shocks all the blue bloods.

Dan McCoy

[37:19] The lesbian niece's wedding is what I wanted to talk about, so maybe I can stay here.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] Okay, so let's say-

[37:23] So, Robert De Niro and Leslie Mann.

[37:24] Robert De Niro's having trouble with his career.

[37:26] He just can't seem to move forward, and Leslie-

Dan McCoy

[37:28] Why do you keep saying lesbian niece?

[37:30] Well, it's important for what I'm going to get into later, right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] Because the whole point of the scene is he gets-

[37:35] I mean, the point of the scene, Stuart, was not the elaborate extended horror that they danced,

[37:39] because it's a Jewish wedding.

Dan McCoy

[37:40] It did take up a large part of the-

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] Oh, boy.

[37:42] Okay, so let's just skip out of that.

[37:44] He decides to take Leslie Mann as a date to his niece's wedding,

[37:47] and there's trouble because Patti LuPone does not like Leslie Mann,

[37:51] and Leslie Mann is wearing a very sexy dress for this wedding,

[37:55] and the niece says,

[37:57] Jackie, you're here.

[37:58] Oh, you're my favorite.

[37:59] You're my hero.

[38:00] You've got to get up and say something, Jackie.

[38:01] Jackie, you've got to get up.

[38:04] Jackie, you've got to get up and say something.

[38:05] Okay, okay.

[38:06] And he gets-

[38:07] And next, you expect-

[38:09] Here's what you expect.

[38:11] Cut to Jackie on stage talking.

[38:13] No, no, no, my friends.

[38:14] We've got to watch them dance the horror for four minutes,

[38:17] and then we have to watch an old man and Leslie Mann dance together,

[38:20] and then the old man collapses and just starts grabbing women's boobs

[38:24] when they bend over to see if he's doing okay.

[38:26] We never see that character again,

[38:29] and we've never seen him before.

[38:31] He exists in the movie only for that one scene.

[38:34] He's never given a name.

[38:36] We don't know his relationship to anyone in it.

[38:38] Let's say his name's Dan or Stewart or something.

[38:40] I guess-

[38:41] Yeah, let's say his name's Dan Stewart.

[38:42] I guess they saw The Godfather,

[38:44] and they saw the scene where the old man at the wedding gets up

[38:46] and is just singing to everybody,

[38:47] and they were like,

[38:48] I guess ethnic weddings have an old man who gets up and does something crazy.

Dan McCoy

[38:52] This reminded me, by the way,

[38:53] just of a joke that is terrible

[38:56] that rightfully did not get on The Daily Show

[38:58] that I was trying to get on.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] Put it on our podcast.

[39:02] Yeah, come on.

[39:02] Yeah, give us your trimmings.

[39:05] Give us your leavings, Dan.

[39:07] Of the superhero.

[39:07] Oh, here's a piece of poop that didn't flush down all the way.

[39:09] I guess I'll put it on my podcast.

Dan McCoy

[39:10] Of the superhero Leslie Mann,

[39:12] who was bitten by Radioactive Leslie.

[39:14] But let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[39:15] Oh, and The Daily Show wouldn't run that?

Dan McCoy

[39:18] But what I wanted to say-

Elliott Kalan

[39:20] I guess it just went over Trevor's head, huh?

[39:23] You heard it here first.

[39:25] Dan's words, not mine.

[39:26] What?

[39:27] What I wanted to say-

Stuart Wellington

[39:27] I don't know if we can say superhero.

[39:29] I think that's copyright.

[39:30] We'd have to say capes or science heroes.

[39:33] Yeah, that's a word that's owned by Marvel and DC together.

Elliott Kalan

[39:36] Science heroes.

Dan McCoy

[39:39] Masked men.

[39:40] This is what I wanted to say about the wedding scene,

[39:41] which is something that I said during the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] And then after the wedding scene,

[39:45] can you remind me,

[39:45] let's talk about the TV pitch scene.

[39:47] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] Jackie gets up and he says a lot of offensive jokes

[39:52] about gay people, lesbians in particular.

[39:57] And this is, I think,

[39:58] why we are making it clear that this is a lesbian woman.

[40:00] Because Jackie tells all these offensive gay jokes,

[40:04] and the lesbians are loving it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:07] Offensive and not even-

[40:08] Not funny.

[40:09] Not even attempting to be funny.

[40:10] It's just, it's like,

[40:12] it is the lowest, like, scummiest,

[40:15] like, gay people are weird routine.

Dan McCoy

[40:17] And the lesbians love it.

[40:19] Everyone else,

[40:19] their monocles are falling out into their champagne.

[40:22] But the lesbians love it.

[40:23] And we as audience members are supposed to be like,

[40:26] oh, it's fine.

[40:28] It's fine that he's making these jokes.

[40:29] It's allowed.

[40:29] Because they're digging it.

[40:31] And I want to be like,

[40:32] no movie.

[40:33] Hey, what's funny is funny, you know?

[40:35] No movie.

[40:36] You wrote these characters.

[40:38] You're the one making them like this stupid joke.

[40:40] For all we know,

Elliott Kalan

[40:43] those might just be actresses playing lesbians.

[40:45] What?

[40:45] We don't even know if they're real lesbians, Dan.

[40:47] What?

[40:47] Oh, this scandal goes all the way to the president.

[40:50] Actually, probably.

[40:51] It's hard for me to think of a scandal that doesn't go to the president right now.

[40:53] Oh.

[40:54] But it's a good point, Dan.

[40:55] It's weird for a movie to have a character say something offensive,

[40:58] but then justify it by having a character in the movie kind of give it the okay.

[41:02] Yeah.

[41:02] I mean, nothing short in that scene than like, I don't know, like,

[41:08] Tig Notaro walking out and being like, good stuff, Jackie.

[41:11] Yeah.

[41:12] Like, it would have really given it the stamp of approval.

[41:16] Like, if Melissa Etheridge and Katie Lang walked out and like,

[41:18] we're not comedians, but we know this is funny.

[41:20] Keep it up, Jacko.

[41:22] Yeah.

[41:25] But, okay, so before this scene was a scene I forgot about.

[41:27] This is the scene that ends with him firing his agent,

[41:30] where he comes in to pitch a TV show to a place called Raw TV,

[41:34] which is supposed to be, I guess, like a cable channel.

[41:38] I don't even know what it is.

[41:39] And it's supposed to be edgy.

[41:41] I guess it's like Spike, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:42] Yeah, or Vice, but it's online.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] And he goes in to pitch a sitcom where he's in jail as an old man,

[41:48] and all the prisoners, no matter what their ethnicity or gang,

[41:51] they all come to him for advice, and it's called Jackie on the Block.

[41:54] And when he says, they go, you got a title?

[41:56] He goes, Jackie on the Block.

[41:57] And the person he's telling it to goes, oh, that's funny.

[41:59] Well, here's the thing.

[42:01] It's a great idea, but, and he throws a shit fit.

[42:04] Because as soon as she says, but, he knows that they're not going to buy his idea.

[42:08] It's a terrible idea.

Stuart Wellington

[42:09] Are you guys going to give me a little peek behind the entertainment curtain here?

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] Oh, yeah.

[42:12] Well, here's the thing.

[42:13] If you ever pitch a TV show, you will not sell it.

[42:16] Okay.

[42:17] Probably not.

Stuart Wellington

[42:18] I mean, that's to be expected.

[42:19] I have never written a TV show.

[42:22] It would probably be bad the first time.

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] But like 99.999% of pitches don't get bought, I guess.

[42:27] And a lot of it is just like going in and make, and like trying your best and then showing

[42:33] that you can work with them, you know?

[42:34] But what about a prank show?

[42:37] Keep talking.

Stuart Wellington

[42:38] And the people I pull pranks on don't know I'm going to do it.

[42:43] Okay.

[42:44] I like this twist.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] But I guess, is that a new twist on an old thing?

[42:49] Is that the gimmick?

Stuart Wellington

[42:50] That's the thing.

[42:51] What's old is new again, guys, right?

[42:53] See, Stranger Things taught me that nostalgia is a powerful weapon in the right hands.

[42:59] Okay.

[42:59] And my hands are the rightest hands.

[43:01] And what is this nostalgia for?

Dan McCoy

[43:03] Our pre-prank awareness culture?

[43:06] Dick Clark's TV bloopers and practical jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:09] Of course.

[43:09] Okay.

[43:10] Dan's already on it.

[43:11] Dan, you're going to be most...

[43:12] With Sergio Aragone's animations.

[43:14] Okay.

[43:14] Dan's going to be the vice president of this show.

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] It's not really a show's work.

[43:18] You can be the president, Elliot.

[43:20] Oh, okay, great.

[43:21] I love it.

[43:21] Yeah, I'll put it on my network, I guess.

[43:24] KTV?

[43:24] Kaelin Television?

[43:27] But he...

[43:27] And he storms out.

[43:28] And it's one of those scenes where it's like...

[43:31] You're supposed to be...

[43:33] It's supposed to be that he's a real artist, and I guess he's not being given respect by these suits.

[43:39] But while you're watching, you're just like, I hate all these people.

[43:42] I don't like anything that's going on here.

[43:44] His show idea is dumb.

[43:46] His channel sounds terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[43:47] Nothing about his character would make me think that he would actually take the time to write a show.

[43:53] No, that's true.

[43:54] He seems like a guy who doesn't follow through and doesn't even prepare material before going up.

[43:59] Why would I assume he could write a good show?

Elliott Kalan

[44:04] Yeah, very true.

[44:05] And the...

[44:08] Oh, this is all because, by the way, the video of him assaulting that guy.

[44:11] Did I mention it went viral?

Dan McCoy

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:13] It went viral?

Elliott Kalan

[44:14] He has about four or five different viral moments throughout the movie where he does something and it goes viral.

Dan McCoy

[44:19] This movie has the understanding of the internet of a person who once heard the word viral.

[44:25] That is about the level at which this operates.

Elliott Kalan

[44:28] I give the movie credit.

[44:29] I don't think it ever does a joke where someone confuses viral on the internet with having a virus.

[44:35] I don't think there was one of those unless I went into a boredom coma and missed it.

[44:40] So I'll give it credit for not going for that lowest hanging fruit.

[44:42] I would say...

[44:43] They went to the branch above it which was hanging an inch above the ground.

Stuart Wellington

[44:47] I think the movie Unfriended has a better grasp of the internet.

[44:50] The movie where they videotape a girl who poops her pants and she becomes a ghost and kills them all.

Dan McCoy

[44:55] If I recall the movie correctly.

[44:56] Through the internet.

Stuart Wellington

[44:58] That is a more accurate depiction of the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] What was the movie?

[45:01] Smiley?

[45:03] Yeah.

[45:03] It's about a smiley guy.

[45:05] Where they create a fake urban legend but in the end he turns out to be real somehow and that's the twist.

[45:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:10] Yeah.

[45:11] It makes perfect sense.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Then he does it for the walls.

Dan McCoy

[45:13] He uses the smiley powers to kill them.

Elliott Kalan

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:15] Because you know what?

[45:15] You can kill with kindness.

[45:17] Nothing kinder than a smile.

Stuart Wellington

[45:18] What were his powers?

[45:20] Makes you jump off buildings and shit?

Dan McCoy

[45:23] He kind of looked like a belly with stitches in it.

Stuart Wellington

[45:26] That's not a power.

[45:27] That's not a power.

[45:28] That's just a description of his appearance.

Elliott Kalan

[45:31] What are her powers?

[45:33] She's beautiful.

[45:35] That's kind of a power.

[45:36] I guess that's true.

[45:37] That is the only real superpower that exists is being beautiful.

[45:40] Which is, I was thinking about this the other day.

[45:42] Tell me if you've heard this one from me.

[45:44] Okay.

[45:44] This was something I was literally thinking about while just like getting ready in the morning.

[45:48] I was like, it's such a weird coincidence that so many of the winners of our most prestigious acting awards are beautiful.

[45:55] I guess there's just a natural scientific link between physical beauty and acting talent.

[46:01] Because so many Oscar winners, they're just beautiful.

[46:04] Like the men, the women.

[46:06] If you look at it, the vast majority of Oscar winners are gorgeous physically.

[46:12] And that award is surely based on talent and performance.

[46:14] And so it's like, what is it with all this?

[46:17] This is just like, if you're not beautiful, I guess you can't act.

[46:19] That's just what it is scientifically.

[46:21] And I was just thinking about how there are a lot of people like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[46:25] Where he's not necessarily what I would call necessarily like a beautiful person.

[46:28] But certainly looks are what got him into the movies.

[46:30] He's this huge muscled guy.

[46:33] And now the work he's...

[46:33] Yeah, yeah, I could say that.

[46:35] And the work he's doing now, certainly he's like aged into a real performer who like brings his history with him when he plays a role.

[46:44] Yeah.

[46:44] But it's like, oh, if someone looks good, they can have 30 to 40 years to become a good actor.

[46:49] Because when you watch his old movies, it's not like you're like, this guy's really good.

[46:53] Like this guy's a really good actor.

Stuart Wellington

[46:55] I mean, I think he...

[46:57] He always had a natural charisma.

[46:58] Yeah, you have to have charisma.

[47:00] He should get some credit.

[47:02] Because there's a lot of guys out there who are that.

[47:06] Who, yeah.

[47:07] Name two.

[47:08] Oh, man.

[47:09] Sylvester Stallone?

[47:10] Kind of the same exact thing.

[47:11] No, you're right.

[47:13] Dolph Lundrigan?

[47:14] Dolph Lundrigan's pretty great, too.

[47:18] Howie Long?

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] Okay, I'll give you that.

[47:22] Howie Long didn't have...

[47:23] Michael Dudikoff?

Dan McCoy

[47:25] There are plenty of beautiful ingenues who are gorgeous and never have that chance to age into...

Elliott Kalan

[47:34] Oh, no.

[47:35] Women don't get the chance to age, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[47:36] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] That's why women win Best Actress when they're young.

[47:39] Men win Best Actress when they're old.

Dan McCoy

[47:40] You make a very good point.

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] Women, by the time a woman is in her 30s, you can already hear Hollywood hasn't planted a clock on her back

[47:48] that's just ticking down, like, what, six years?

[47:51] And then when that clock goes off, you know what happens?

[47:54] What?

[47:54] They break her open and there's chocolate inside.

[47:56] Okay.

[47:57] And all the men dig that chocolate up and just suck it down and it keeps them youngish.

[48:01] All right.

[48:02] Sean Connery has sucked out so much ingenue chocolate over the years.

[48:06] It's what keeps him attractive into his 80s.

[48:09] Or how old is he now?

[48:10] 800?

Dan McCoy

[48:11] He's going to die in between the time we record this episode and then it goes out.

[48:14] Well, then just in case I'll say, rest in peace, Sean Connery.

Elliott Kalan

[48:17] I was a fan of your work and a fan, I guess, of you avoiding paying taxes in the UK for decades?

Stuart Wellington

[48:23] Not quite a fan of the whole it's okay to slap a woman sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[48:27] No, that's not something I'm so into.

Stuart Wellington

[48:28] Or when he defended it when called out on it.

Dan McCoy

[48:30] No, that's not so great.

[48:32] Now, it may seem like we're not spending enough time on the movie, but the thing is, there's not really anything that happens in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[48:37] Okay, so here, I'll tell you the rest of the movie right now.

[48:41] Robert De Niro's career is still going nowhere.

[48:43] Leslie Mann and his relationship, it has its ups and downs.

[48:46] Uh-oh, what are you going to do?

[48:47] They sleep together once and then she gets pregnant.

[48:49] They sleep together once and then later, after he argues his way into a spot at a Friars Club roast for an actress played by, was it Cloris Leachman?

[48:58] Cloris Leachman.

[48:58] And then his act is so hilarious it kills her and she dies on stage.

Dan McCoy

[49:03] By the way, we are not talking about how amazing it is that this movie postulates that being part of a Friars Club roast is a step to your big comeback.

[49:15] As Elliot put it, a dying organization.

Elliott Kalan

[49:18] It's a little bit like saying, hey, you know what?

[49:22] I want to go where I've got a big future.

[49:25] I guess I'll step onto Atlantis.

[49:27] Oh, water's getting a little high.

[49:29] Well, all right, but this is the best place for me to get exposure.

[49:32] Blah, blah, blah.

[49:33] Blah, blah, blah.

[49:33] Anyway, Friars Club, never been there.

[49:35] Very envious, obviously.

[49:36] Anyway, so Dan, you were there.

[49:37] You described it as what, like a museum for orangutans?

[49:40] I did not say that at all.

[49:41] I believe you referred to it as like an aging bone store.

Dan McCoy

[49:46] I did say that like this movie postulates a world where the Friars Club is always hopping with people and like actual legends of comedy.

[49:55] Whereas I've been there twice when the actual events have been going on and it has been a nearly empty boneyard.

Stuart Wellington

[50:03] I get the impression that it's like a decrepit manor house where all the eyes on all the portraits have been cut out.

Dan McCoy

[50:10] You know who's a member of the Friars Club?

[50:13] Your friend of mine, Sam Means.

Elliott Kalan

[50:15] Oh, yeah, I know Sam's a member of it.

[50:16] Well, he fits into that.

[50:17] Sam's kind of, he's a great guy.

[50:18] He's prematurely old and he loves comedy.

[50:20] Yeah.

[50:21] Should I waste my time on an Edgar Allan Poe parody called The Fall of the House of Friars?

[50:26] That's about a kind of decaying manse in which an old comedian just kind of fritters away his days.

Stuart Wellington

[50:33] What's going to be the medium for this story?

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] Probably the show medium.

[50:39] Oh, wow, an episode of medium.

[50:40] Yeah.

[50:41] I mean, I think that's appropriate because she talks to ghosts, I think.

[50:44] Mm-hmm, ghosts and gerblins.

[50:46] Anyway, so anyway, the Friars Club roast doesn't do him any favors.

[50:50] Does it go viral?

[50:51] Sure it does.

[50:53] But here's the thing.

[50:54] It doesn't help him.

[50:55] So he goes down to Florida where he's tried to avoid doing shows because he doesn't want to sell out.

[51:01] And he tracks down Leslie Mann to an old folks home where her dad Harvey Keitel now is.

[51:06] We skip the scene where Leslie Mann for her dad's birthday present sets up a dinner for him, her,

[51:13] and his favorite television star, Jackie Burke, Rob De Niro's character,

[51:17] and where Harvey Keitel is seen at first talking to a very busty woman wearing, like, exercise clothes,

[51:23] who then gets up from the table and walks away.

[51:26] No explanation as to who that was.

[51:27] Walks out of the movie.

[51:28] And walks out of the movie and out of our hearts.

[51:31] And so anyway, he is living at this old folks home.

[51:33] Rob De Niro, again, picks up the mic.

Stuart Wellington

[51:35] And we get this great scene, you know, like, when I, years ago, when I first saw Taxi Driver,

[51:40] I was like, man, I can't wait until these guys get old and do a movie together again.

[51:46] When they do Taxi Driver 2, Sport's back.

Elliott Kalan

[51:49] Which Sport has somehow healed from his injuries from the end of Taxi Driver.

[51:52] And he and Travis Bickle, like, have to, what, they're roommates now at an old folks home?

Stuart Wellington

[51:57] They have to be roommates in an old folks home.

[52:00] They're always, you know, arguing who gets to spend time in the mirror.

Dan McCoy

[52:05] Either looking at a cool hat, or looking down the barrel of a gun.

Elliott Kalan

[52:10] He's like, move out of the way with your guns.

[52:12] I want to look at this one pinky nail that's painted red.

Stuart Wellington

[52:15] And he says, are you talking to me, sir?

[52:17] Mm-hmm.

[52:18] That's how he gets the famous line.

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] Actually, I would kind of love to see a Taxi Driver sequel where Travis Bickle is old,

[52:25] and he is no longer a fringe psycho.

[52:28] He's now, like, a Trump voter.

[52:30] And, like, has totally been validated, apparently, by the political system.

[52:34] Like, all the hate that he had raging inside of him in the 70s

[52:38] has now become acceptable for him to, like, to act on,

[52:41] because that's just the America we live in now.

[52:44] Is that too dark in a way?

Stuart Wellington

[52:45] I am kind of interested to see if, like,

[52:48] if the current political climate gives birth to films that focus on characters,

[52:57] I don't want to say heroes, but characters that are, like,

[53:00] have been, like, twisted and corrupted by the, you know,

[53:04] the political, like, the level of political discourse in the country

[53:07] and commit violent action based on it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] I mean, I watched the movie Joe not too long ago with Peter Boyle,

[53:14] it's kind of that, about this guy whose daughter is a hippie,

[53:18] played by Susan Sarandon, who goes missing and he goes off to find her

[53:22] and ends up hooking up with, not hooking up, making out,

[53:26] but, like, hooking up, like, meeting up with Peter Boyle's character

[53:29] who's this, like, Archie Bunker, like, total blue-collar racist,

[53:34] hates everybody because he thinks they're stealing America from him,

[53:36] and the two go hippie hunting, essentially, and the dad ends up,

[53:40] spoiler alert for a movie that's 40 years old,

[53:42] ends up shooting his daughter in the back because they go to clean out

[53:45] a commune full of hippies at the end just by killing everybody,

[53:48] and while watching it, I was like,

[53:49] this is way too close to how I feel like a lot of people want to be acting right now.

[53:55] Like, it was, like, it's not a great movie,

[53:58] but there was definitely part of me that was like,

[54:01] well, wish we could have moved away from this type of feeling

[54:03] in the past 40 to 45 years, but didn't happen.

[54:08] Anyway, but we should get back to the movie.

[54:11] Yeah, probably.

[54:11] So, because we're about to get to the part where Rob De Niro

[54:13] delivers a hilarious parody of Making Whoopie called

[54:18] Not Making Poopy, about how hard it is to poop when you're an old person.

[54:22] Is this recorded, and does it go viral?

[54:25] Oh, yeah, you bet it does.

Dan McCoy

[54:26] Let's step back for a moment.

[54:28] Take the global, take the long view.

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] Okay, let's bird's eye this, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:34] Robert De Niro.

[54:35] Robert De Niro, sure.

[54:36] Robert De Niro, one of the most respected actors in American film.

[54:41] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] Quickly, quickly.

[54:43] In the world.

[54:44] He's singing his...

[54:44] Burning up that karma, though, I think.

[54:46] Singing up...

Dan McCoy

[54:47] Sings a parody song for about four minutes of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[54:52] This is after another singer has butchered a rendition of Being Alive,

[54:57] one of the most beautiful songs in the musical theater canon, but continue.

Dan McCoy

[55:00] He takes four minutes out of this movie,

[55:03] sing a song with a bunch of old people about poop.

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] Yeah.

[55:08] Dan, if it was funny, I'd think it was great.

[55:11] Am I above poop humor?

[55:13] You know I'm not.

[55:14] I've written it.

[55:15] I've laughed at it.

[55:16] I've loved it.

[55:17] Part of the fun of having a three-year-old son is I get to talk about poop a lot.

[55:21] Mm-hmm.

[55:22] All right.

[55:22] If it was a funny song about poop, give this man a Nobel Prize.

[55:26] And yet it is not a funny song about poop.

[55:30] Do the old people at their retirement home like it?

[55:31] They love it.

[55:33] Oh, they're gobbling that shit up, literally.

[55:35] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[55:35] They're eating poop.

[55:36] It is a scat buffet.

Elliott Kalan

[55:39] So maybe not literally, but they love it.

[55:41] They're...

[55:41] I mean, they...

[55:43] They're young again.

[55:44] This is cocooned to them.

[55:45] Yeah.

[55:45] They're suddenly full of vivacity and it's a little...

[55:48] Yeah, they get up and start dancing.

[55:49] It's a little weird to see...

[55:50] Steve Guttenberg shows up.

[55:52] Steve Guttenberg?

[55:53] Steve Guttenberg.

[55:55] It's a little weird to see Robert De Niro, who is an old man, performing for even older

[55:59] people, where it's like, Robert De Niro, you are closer in age and have more in common

[56:04] with your audience of seniors at this moment than with your girlfriend.

[56:08] Leslie Mann afterwards confronts him.

[56:10] She's pregnant.

[56:11] Oh, my God.

Stuart Wellington

[56:11] That's not as good as when he finishes doing this amazing tour de force number.

[56:17] Everybody is fucking cackling.

[56:18] They are loving this Megan Poopy song.

[56:22] And he like fucking mic drops and stomps out of there and he walks past Harvey Keitel,

[56:28] who is deflated.

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] Who is shaking.

[56:31] He's like...

[56:32] He's like, I don't know what to do anymore.

[56:34] Down is up, up is down.

[56:36] It's like there's something about...

[56:38] It's like either Harvey Keitel saw the face of God or had a moment with the devil.

[56:42] And he doesn't know how to accept this into his life.

Dan McCoy

[56:45] He should have known better to go up against Jackie, the person who apparently is the most

[56:49] hilarious person in all of recorded history.

[56:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:54] When Harvey Keitel set him up, he's like, ha ha, I'm setting him up in a no-win situation.

[57:00] Entertaining old people.

Elliott Kalan

[57:02] No one can do that.

Stuart Wellington

[57:03] The Kobayashi Maru for a comedian.

Elliott Kalan

[57:06] And then just like Shatner, he rewrites the program.

[57:08] Blam, blam.

[57:09] Shit, my Robert De Niro says.

[57:11] And by Shatner, I mean Kirk.

[57:12] Because it's not like...

[57:13] Because it's the character dude.

[57:14] It's not like William Shatner, the actor, went in and changed the Kobayashi Maru.

Stuart Wellington

[57:18] Although that would have been a great on-set story.

[57:21] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[57:22] What a prank he pulled.

[57:24] Mm-hmm.

[57:25] The kind of prank you don't tell people about ahead of time.

[57:28] So they're surprised when it happens.

[57:30] Wait, are there people doing that?

[57:31] I hate to break it to you, Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[57:33] Let me quick get that copy written.

Elliott Kalan

[57:36] TN, TN.

[57:37] Robert De Niro, he's told by Leslie Mann, hey, I'm pregnant.

[57:40] And Robert De Niro, he had mentioned earlier that he had a son who had died in his youth.

[57:45] And that's why I guess what turned him into a jerk or maybe was already a jerk.

[57:48] Mm-hmm.

[57:49] He's like, I'm not sure if I want to be a dad.

[57:50] And Leslie Mann's like, well, I'm not asking you to be a dad.

[57:53] This is my life.

[57:54] You don't have to be a part of it.

[57:55] They are...

[57:55] And he's like, what?

[57:56] You were just going to have a baby and not tell me and you don't want me a part of it?

[57:59] They argue about this for probably, what, 20 minutes?

[58:02] And it's the kind of scene that in like a heartbreaking drama might have worked.

[58:07] Yeah.

[58:08] But it doesn't work here.

[58:09] The song goes viral and Robert De Niro is now on Raw TV hosting a show called Cry Uncle

[58:15] in which people go through stunts.

[58:17] Now, I know what you're thinking.

[58:18] Shouldn't the movie have ended by this point?

[58:20] Oh, yeah.

[58:20] Au contraire, my friend.

[58:22] It continues.

Stuart Wellington

[58:23] You also might be thinking, Raw TV, that sounds like something where it's run by young people

[58:30] and they are trying different approaches to media to capture a younger audience.

Elliott Kalan

[58:36] It's like a Tim and Eric or an Adult Swim type thing.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] But instead, their show, Cry Uncle, is the most like old-timey, hacky, good show.

[58:44] No, it's Fear Factor.

Elliott Kalan

[58:44] It's just Fear Factor.

[58:46] It's like Fear Factor with a set.

[58:48] The set, because it's a crawfish challenge.

[58:50] The set is like a bayou shack.

[58:52] And Frank Luntz.

[58:54] Have a couple of bayou babes.

[58:55] Not Frank Luntz.

[58:56] Allie Hagelin, not included.

[58:57] Who's the, oh, Luntz.

[58:58] Luntz from 30 Rock.

[58:59] Yep.

[59:00] Comes out as, oh yeah, Hallie Hagelin, Bayou Babe, I forgot.

[59:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:04] Star of the show.

[59:05] Her trademark.

[59:06] Her Bayou Babe-osity.

[59:10] Luntz from 30 Rock has to line a canoe with crawfish all over him, crawdads, for 30 seconds.

[59:17] And they're really pinching him hard.

[59:19] And the crawdads are shot in slow motion, like, to make them look enormous.

Stuart Wellington

[59:23] I mean, you know crawfish.

[59:25] You give them 30 seconds, they're going to flay the skin for you.

Elliott Kalan

[59:28] Growing up as I did on the Mississippi.

[59:30] They can skeletonize a cow in 30 seconds.

[59:33] Look, growing up as I did on the banks of the old Mississippi, with my mom and pa going down to the old man river.

[59:39] And you're snapping turtle men.

[59:39] To get, what?

[59:40] And you're snapping turtle men of the Mississippi.

[59:42] Oh, of course, yeah.

[59:44] I would just ride her down to the banks.

[59:46] We'd go fishing for crawfish.

[59:48] And the way you'd do it was you'd just stick your finger down into the water.

[59:51] Crawfish would snap that finger right off.

[59:53] And then when it was snapping your finger off, you'd grab it with the other hand.

[59:57] So you'd only really catch, like, five crawfish until you were left with just one hand.

[1:00:01] You don't want to use that hand for crawfish fishing.

[1:00:03] You need that for noodling.

[1:00:04] So you can stick it in a catfish's maw and just pull that sucker right out of the water.

[1:00:08] I'll just say they're dangerous, dangerous creatures.

[1:00:11] Should be outlawed.

[1:00:11] Shouldn't be pets like ferrets.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:13] Now, I really appreciate Elliot kind of just opening up his heart.

[1:00:16] Revealing his backstory.

[1:00:18] But I want to get real for a second, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:21] Oh, God.

[1:00:22] All right.

[1:00:22] You guys have a favorite turtle?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:26] Yeah.

[1:00:27] Donatello.

[1:00:27] Type of turtle?

[1:00:29] Well, okay.

[1:00:29] I'll count Elliot's response because that's technically a turtle.

[1:00:32] Donatello the turtle.

[1:00:33] Do you have a number one turtle, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:37] I just know.

[1:00:38] I mean, I know the types.

[1:00:39] I know a couple.

[1:00:40] There's a snapping turtle.

[1:00:41] Pick a favorite.

[1:00:42] There's a box turtle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:43] Don't just name turtles and that's probably a tortoise.

[1:00:45] Stop fence sitting.

[1:00:46] Pick a turtle.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:48] A sea turtle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:50] Okay.

[1:00:51] That's fair.

[1:00:52] And Stuart, you?

[1:00:54] The mata mata turtle.

[1:00:56] That's what I was going to say.

[1:00:58] It looks like a pile of leaves and its neck is super long.

[1:01:01] Man, it's so gross.

[1:01:02] I got to look this fucker up.

[1:01:03] That's a fantastic turtle.

[1:01:05] Yeah, look it up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:05] Somebody Google it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:05] Stuart, I'm so glad you said that.

[1:01:07] I knew we were soulmates and now I know it even more.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:09] That is the top number one best turtle.

[1:01:12] I can't wait if I waited this long to reveal that I love the mata turtle to you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] What I love about this relationship, Stuart, is I'm always discovering new things about you and it just makes me love you more.

[1:01:21] Dan, I know everything about and I hate him.

[1:01:23] What?

[1:01:24] So anyway, he's doing this show and this is where I literally thought the movie was showing us that he's successful again.

[1:01:31] Because the movie doesn't know what's funny so maybe they thought this was a great reward.

[1:01:35] But no, Lutz can't do it.

[1:01:37] He gives up and cries uncle.

[1:01:39] And Robert New York is like...

[1:01:40] What?

[1:01:42] It's awesome, right?

[1:01:42] Looking at the mata mata, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:43] I just found out I had never seen this turtle before.

[1:01:46] It is a crazy turtle.

[1:01:48] It's super cool.

[1:01:48] What's going on with this thing?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:50] I don't know.

[1:01:51] This turtle looks like Hammerhead from Star Wars.

[1:01:54] His name is Momon Adon.

[1:01:55] I wish you could see the look of sheer glee on Dan's face as he sees this turtle for the first time.

[1:02:01] Dan, you want to see...

[1:02:02] Here, I'm going to give you the greatest gift you've ever received.

[1:02:06] Go to the Brooklyn Zoo.

[1:02:07] This weekend.

[1:02:08] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:09] They got one.

[1:02:09] This weekend.

[1:02:10] No.

[1:02:11] Well, I mean...

[1:02:12] I don't want him to go...

[1:02:14] He can't go on a weekday.

[1:02:16] Yeah.

[1:02:17] Well, I mean, he could.

[1:02:17] No, actually, you know what, Dan?

[1:02:18] Skip work.

[1:02:19] Go to the Brooklyn...

[1:02:20] Go to the Prospect Park Zoo.

[1:02:22] Not the Brooklyn Zoo.

[1:02:22] It's a great zoo.

[1:02:23] Go to the Prospect Park Zoo.

[1:02:24] Check out that Matamata.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:25] When my wife and I first started dating, and she was in a wheelchair, I pushed her around

[1:02:29] that zoo together.

[1:02:30] It was really great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:31] It's a great little zoo.

[1:02:32] You can see the whole thing in one trip.

[1:02:34] Uh-huh.

[1:02:35] A lot of great animals, a lot of monkeys.

[1:02:36] Feel bad for them because they're not huge spaces.

[1:02:39] But what are you going to do?

[1:02:40] It's a zoo.

[1:02:41] As soon as you go to a zoo, you're making a deal with the devil that you're okay with animal

[1:02:44] imprisonment.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:44] I will say, nothing in the world makes me more jealous than seeing sea lions and seals playing

[1:02:56] in the water in a zoo on a hot day.

[1:02:59] You want to be in there.

[1:03:00] It feels like I am one of Odysseus' sailors, and I am being tempted overboard by the sirens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:08] So, very apt.

[1:03:10] Let's finish up this movie because I'm sure we're going super long, much like the movie.

[1:03:14] So, Rob De Niro, Lutz gives in, and Rob De Niro's like, what a failure.

[1:03:19] You're ashamed.

[1:03:19] Your family hates you.

[1:03:20] And sees Lutz's family consoling him, and I think it's in that moment that he realizes

[1:03:24] that humans can care about each other, that there's such a thing of affection.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] He's like, my family doesn't need financial security, so I won't take this job anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:33] So, he goes, fuck this show.

[1:03:35] I don't want to be here.

[1:03:36] And he quits.

[1:03:38] And then it just cuts to eight years later, right?

[1:03:41] Well, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:42] Because he says, fuck this show, that's the third viral thing that he does.

[1:03:47] And so, he gets called up on the stage.

[1:03:50] He gets called up on the stage on the Comedy Cellar.

[1:03:52] Not a paying gig, mind you.

[1:03:54] He just gets called up at the Comedy Cellar.

[1:03:56] Oh, right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] He spends a lot of time at the Comedy Cellar, which you may know from the show Louie.

[1:04:01] Or if you've been to stand-up comedy in New York.

[1:04:04] It's a seller.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:05] I mean, I don't know.

[1:04:07] I mean, they may get money from doing that, but I'm saying it's not a regular paying gig

[1:04:11] the way that hosting a television show would have been.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:13] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:13] But he's got to do it for his art, because he's not going to sell out.

[1:04:16] And he has-

Dan McCoy

[1:04:16] Just because he's the hackiest, worst comic in the world doesn't mean he doesn't have principles.

[1:04:19] He has a great night at the Comedy Cellar.

[1:04:21] A audience that I guarantee you would hate him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:25] Yeah, because they're all like young, hip people.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:27] Yeah.

[1:04:27] Yeah, but they all went to the dentist earlier that day, so they're still riding that nitrous

[1:04:31] high.

[1:04:32] And so he has an amazing night at the Comedy Cellar, and then we get a Bratz-style leap

[1:04:37] ahead.

[1:04:38] Eight years later.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:39] Eight years, dude.

[1:04:40] That is not a small amount of time.

[1:04:43] Large change-

[1:04:43] That's two presidential terms.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:46] There is a very real possibility Robert Nino's character would not be alive eight years after

[1:04:51] the events of this movie.

[1:04:52] He is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:52] I mean, think of all his friends that are no longer alive at this point.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:56] Oh, so many funerals.

[1:04:57] Think about how many-

[1:04:58] Richard Belzer's dead.

[1:04:59] He's long dead by now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:00] The concept of viral would be completely different.

[1:05:03] Oh, yeah.

[1:05:03] The internet doesn't exist so we know now.

[1:05:04] Now it's in everyone's heads.

[1:05:06] It wasn't like the early stuff was happening in the past, right?

[1:05:09] No.

[1:05:09] Because-

[1:05:10] No, because they're talking about viral videos and things like Google News.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:12] There was some dude who had an iPhone.

[1:05:14] Yeah.

[1:05:15] So this is-

[1:05:15] So the end of the movie we're led to believe takes place in the year 2025 or 2024, depending

[1:05:21] on what year this movie was released.

[1:05:22] Florida still exists?

[1:05:23] It should be underwater.

[1:05:25] It should be underwater or maybe Bugs Bunny sawed it off and pushed it into the ocean like

[1:05:29] in the hit cartoon Rebel Rabbit.

[1:05:32] That's the part where he goes, take it away, South America.

[1:05:34] And he saws off Florida and just pushes it away in the ocean.

[1:05:38] Classic clip.

[1:05:39] And his daughter with Leslie Mann is on stage at the talent show doing stand-up and she does

[1:05:46] a filthy mouth routine and he couldn't be prouder.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:49] I mean, that's the way we know for sure that she's his daughter because it's not like she's

[1:05:53] covered in a bunch of wrinkles or nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:56] Yeah, she's not a little old lady.

[1:06:01] And everything worked out for the best, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:03] Yeah.

[1:06:04] The end.

[1:06:05] We did go-

[1:06:06] The comedian.

[1:06:07] We did go long.

[1:06:08] So let's get to final judgments quickly.

[1:06:11] Stuart, what do you have to say about this movie?

[1:06:12] Is it a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:14] Bad, bad movie.

[1:06:15] Don't watch it.

[1:06:16] I agree.

[1:06:16] Bad, bad.

[1:06:17] Skip it.

[1:06:18] Don't zip it.

[1:06:19] By which I mean, like, download a zip file and then unzip it.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:22] I'm going to go a little longer in my saying bad, bad, just because it made me so angry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:27] Dan goes, let's wrap it up real quick, guys.

[1:06:29] Do yours real fast.

[1:06:30] Bad, bad, bad, bad.

[1:06:31] Okay, I'm going to take a little bit more time.

[1:06:32] No, I just meant we didn't-

[1:06:34] Thanks for reserving the balance of our time for you.

[1:06:36] Appreciate it, buddy.

[1:06:38] I didn't mean that you had to go that fast.

[1:06:40] Hey, guys, we got to run.

[1:06:41] And there's not a lot of hamburgers to go around, so each take one bite.

[1:06:44] Okay, I'm going to take these four hamburgers.

[1:06:46] Fuck it.

[1:06:47] No, what were you going to say?

[1:06:47] Use it.

[1:06:48] Use your ill-gotten gains.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:49] No, I was just saying, like, look, I'm not a stand-up comic.

[1:06:54] That's for sure.

[1:06:54] I know stand-up comics, however.

[1:06:56] Like, I, like Elliot, exist in the world of comedy.

[1:07:00] This movie made me angry as a comedy person because the comedy in it was so bad,

[1:07:06] and the reaction to it was so outsized to, like, what was going on,

[1:07:11] and the main character was so unprofessional at every step of the way,

[1:07:16] and the misunderstanding of the internet was so egregious,

[1:07:18] that it just infuriated me with every minute that went by.

[1:07:22] And that's what I have to say about that movie.

[1:07:24] Very nice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:26] Yeah, that was worth it, Dan.

[1:07:28] Shut up.

S4

[1:07:29] How do you say cheese in Spanish?

[1:07:34] What show should I have on my DVR?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:36] What are the best songs of the year?

[1:07:38] Is VR cool?

S4

[1:07:40] What's your jam?

[1:07:42] Which one of you is the Renata of the panel?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:45] For answers to these questions and so much more, come on over to PopRocket,

[1:07:49] a pop culture roundtable discussion that always has a fun, diverse panel

[1:07:52] talking about the stuff we love.

[1:07:55] Catch us every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org,

[1:07:57] or wherever you decide to get your podcasts.

[1:08:00] I'm not going to judge.

S4

[1:08:05] Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfunstore.com.

[1:08:12] Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level

[1:08:16] and outfit your home and bod with our merch?

[1:08:19] Maxfunstore.com.

[1:08:21] Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:26] But we have a couple of sponsors.

[1:08:29] Oh, boy.

[1:08:30] That help us keep going in this bleak world.

[1:08:36] Slower.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:38] While we were watching The Comedian, the only thing that I could allow me to keep going

[1:08:42] was not the thought of my wife.

[1:08:45] It was the thought of these sponsors.

[1:08:50] So, look.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:54] Our first sponsor.

[1:08:55] Yes, what?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] Wow.

[1:08:57] I'm sure our sponsors appreciate your anger leading into the sponsor spots.

[1:09:02] No, I'm going to do the sponsors.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:04] No, the sponsor is great.

[1:09:05] It's your lethargy.

[1:09:06] Continue.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:08] Look, when you need a tuxedo, when you want it to look nice for your big day or your special event.

[1:09:15] No, you've got to put on the Ritz.

[1:09:17] Look as great as you can in suits from theblacktux.com.

[1:09:21] They've got modern rental suits and tuxedos and they can have them delivered to your door.

[1:09:27] Look, if you want to rent, go to the black tux.

[1:09:30] Don't go to some strip mall somewhere.

[1:09:33] The black tux lets you create your look or choose from tons of stylist-selected outfits.

[1:09:38] Stand out at your event for the right reasons with the black tux.

[1:09:42] You get free shipping plus $20 off your purchase.

[1:09:46] Visit theblacktux.com slash flop.

[1:09:50] You have to understand that prom is the most important night of your life.

[1:09:54] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:54] And you don't want to fuck it up by going to some strip mall place and rent your tux.

[1:09:59] That's crazy.

[1:10:01] Show people that you know how to use the internet properly by going to theblacktux.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:07] Let's say it's not prom.

[1:10:08] Let's say you're going to a wedding, maybe even your own.

[1:10:11] You want to look as best as you can and you want to dick around with men's warehouses bullshit.

[1:10:16] Theblacktux.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:19] Our second sponsor of the night is Mack Weldon.

[1:10:23] Mack Weldon.

[1:10:24] Oh.

[1:10:25] They believe in smart design.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:27] Crawling out of the darkness.

[1:10:28] We got some Mack Weldon back in town.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:31] Wow.

[1:10:32] Okay.

[1:10:32] Look, I want to balance what Stuart just said by taking note of the fact that is Mack Weldon

[1:10:37] currently taking care of my genitalia?

[1:10:40] Yes.

[1:10:40] Because they make the best underwear.

[1:10:43] Hey, buddy.

[1:10:44] Right over here.

[1:10:45] Up top.

[1:10:45] Yeah.

[1:10:45] Mack Weldon brothers.

[1:10:46] I'm wearing them right now.

[1:10:47] Yeah.

[1:10:48] They call us the Mack Weldon trio, right, Stuart?

[1:10:51] They do.

[1:10:52] They call us that on our dinner placemats.

[1:10:55] Yeah.

[1:10:56] Dan, continue.

[1:10:57] Talk about how great the underpants we're wearing right now is.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:59] Mack Weldon believes in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

[1:11:03] They're dedicated to making the most comfortable underwear, socks, shirts, and more you will ever wear.

[1:11:08] I love the hoodie I got from them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:11] Yeah.

[1:11:12] It's a wonderful hoodie for all formal occasions.

[1:11:16] Yeah, and they make great socks, too.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:20] My Mack Weldon undershirt is the undershirt I wear on the specialist occasions.

[1:11:24] When I want to feel confident.

[1:11:26] You want to feel like a real brando type?

[1:11:28] Yeah, I could say that.

[1:11:29] But literally, if I'm going into a big meeting or something, that's the undershirt I wear

[1:11:34] where I'm like, I know I'm going to feel like I'm a cooler person.

[1:11:39] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:39] If I'm wearing this, then if I'm wearing one of my Ratty Haynes undershirts.

[1:11:42] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:43] That's good because Mack Weldon wants you to be comfortable.

[1:11:45] So if you don't like your first pair of underwear, keep it and they will refund you.

[1:11:51] No questions asked.

[1:11:53] Go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off using the promo code FLOP.

[1:12:01] 20% off using the promo code FLOP.

[1:12:05] You're going to like the way it feels.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:07] We guarantee it.

[1:12:08] Dan, what is it about the sponsor spots that ages you decades in a moment?

[1:12:12] I'm trying.

[1:12:13] Like the girl at the beginning of The Haunting.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:15] I'm trying to slow down so people can hear the important message I'm giving them about our sponsors.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:21] It's like you picked the jeweled goblet in The Temple.

[1:12:25] I don't want to speed through.

[1:12:26] Rather than the simple clay cup of a carpenter's son.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:28] In a way that's going to disorientate and disrupt and upset the listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:34] Yeah, because you know what, Dan?

[1:12:36] You know what people hate to hear in their ad pitches?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:38] Disorient is the word I was looking for, by the way.

[1:12:40] Not disorientate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:42] Dan, you know what people hate in their advertisements?

[1:12:44] Fast talking.

[1:12:45] That's why Micro Machines is not the best.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:47] Yeah, they went out of business a long time ago.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:49] That's why Micro Machines didn't have the best ads ever.

[1:12:52] Because they're fast talker.

[1:12:53] Because people hate that.

[1:12:55] So, Dan, what else do we have coming on?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:57] We got some Jumbotrons, right?

[1:13:01] Stuart, do you want to read your Jumbotron first or shall I?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:04] You know I do.

[1:13:07] The Order of the Grand Lock is a secret society that has existed for centuries with the power to control governments,

[1:13:15] topple empires, and cancel your favorite TV shows.

[1:13:20] That's right, scrubs.

[1:13:22] What?

[1:13:24] And now they figured out how to email.

[1:13:27] And now they figured out how email newsletters work.

[1:13:31] Subscribe today at thegrandlock.com.

[1:13:36] And each week you'll get a short newsletter in your inbox with tales of Grand Lock history,

[1:13:43] etiquette, and petty infighting among their mysterious ranks.

[1:13:47] It's occasionally weird, often funny, but always intriguing.

[1:13:52] Be counted among the Grand Lock's secret ranks and unravel their mystery.

[1:13:56] Subscribe for free at thegrandlock.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:00] Now is it lock, like a door lock, or like Loch Ness?

[1:14:03] Like a door lock.

[1:14:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:05] But that is a suitable question.

[1:14:08] Your question has been deemed suitable.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:11] Oh, thank goodness.

[1:14:11] So I was worried I would age and turn into dust like Donovan in The Last Crusade,

[1:14:15] or Donovan the Folk Singer.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:18] They call him Mellow Yellow because he is a moldering yellow pile of dust.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:24] Yep.

[1:14:24] Yellow mold is a terrifying enemy to encounter in a dungeon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:28] Hurdy-gurdy man indeed.

[1:14:30] Okay, here's a Jumbotron for Evan from Zack.

[1:14:34] Again, that's for Evan from Zack.

[1:14:36] Happy birthday to my best friend in Floppitude.

[1:14:38] My gift to you is this message.

[1:14:40] Read by your favorite flopper, Elliot.

[1:14:42] Unless it is read by Dan or Stuart, in which case they are now your favorite.

[1:14:46] Nope.

[1:14:46] Elliot got it right the first time.

[1:14:48] While you aren't Purvisoid number one, you are certainly up there in the Purvisoid rankings.

[1:14:52] May your days be filled with all the good, bad movies you can handle.

[1:14:55] Aw, what a sweet message of friendship and birthday wishes.

[1:14:59] And following that up, Dan, I believe we have some performance announcements.

[1:15:03] May I make them?

[1:15:04] Or would you like to?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:05] So if we sound a little bit exhausted, it's because last night we just did two back-to-back

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:10] sweet shows at the Bell House.

[1:15:13] But that's not all.

[1:15:14] Those may have been our last New York shows for the foreseeable future.

[1:15:17] I'm moving to Los Angeles.

[1:15:18] But we've got some out-of-town, we've got an out-of-town show.

[1:15:21] We have a New York show that is a riffing show and not a podcast recording.

[1:15:25] Yeah.

[1:15:25] So I would not call it a Flophouse show because it's a Flop Night, Bad Movie Night show.

[1:15:29] Uh-huh.

[1:15:29] Now, the first, July 16th, we'll be in Philadelphia.

[1:15:34] That's right.

[1:15:35] The Cradle of the Revolution.

[1:15:37] No, wait a minute.

[1:15:37] It was Boston, The Cradle of the Revolution.

[1:15:39] Dan?

[1:15:39] I think the Cradle of the Revolution is in your heart.

[1:15:44] Thank you.

[1:15:44] City of Brotherly Love.

[1:15:46] The City of Brotherly Love will welcome the three Flop Brothers at the Philadelphia Podfest,

[1:15:51] or Philly Podfest if you're feeling like you know them well enough, July 16th at 8 p.m.

[1:15:57] 7 p.m.

[1:15:58] Doors at 7.30 p.m.

[1:15:59] Oh, shit.

[1:16:00] Okay.

[1:16:00] Right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:02] Yeah.

[1:16:03] Well, we went over this before the movie started, so Elliot should have the most accurate information.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:07] If people show up at 7, it's not like they're going to be like, fuck this, I'm not waiting

[1:16:11] an hour to see those nerds.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:13] Better to show up at 7 for an 8 o'clock show than show up at 8 o'clock for 7.

[1:16:16] Just be clear about it.

[1:16:17] Well, I'll tell you what.

[1:16:18] Let's say what it is.

[1:16:18] You know what the clearest thing is, Dan?

[1:16:20] If you go to phillypodfest.com, you'll see that on July 16th, that night, we will be

[1:16:25] performing a live recording of a Flophouse episode.

[1:16:28] It's going to be, all three of us, our first ever show in Philadelphia.

[1:16:32] Philadelphia's got a lot of great stuff.

[1:16:33] It's got the world's best collection of Marcel Duchamp's work.

[1:16:36] It's got the Liberty Bell.

[1:16:37] And it's going to have us for just one night only.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:39] And we'll probably announce the movie.

[1:16:40] And they pour fake cheese all over everything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:42] Yeah, we'll probably announce the movie next episode.

[1:16:45] Yeah, I think that makes sense.

[1:16:46] They don't pour fake cheese on everything.

[1:16:47] So what you should do is direct all tweets to at Dank McCoy as to what movie we should watch.

[1:16:54] Mm-hmm.

[1:16:55] If you have suggestions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] Actually, I wouldn't mind that if you have suggestions.

[1:16:57] People of Philadelphia, if you want to see us talk about a particular movie, tweet at Dan, at Dank McCoy, and let him know.

[1:17:05] And then, less than a week later, on July 22nd, at Brooklyn's Alamo Drafthouse Theater, we'll be having a flop night.

[1:17:13] Wait, is that July 22nd?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:14] No, that's June 22nd.

[1:17:15] What?

[1:17:17] Oh, boy.

[1:17:18] It's going to get weird.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:19] Oh, boy.

[1:17:19] I just want to throw out the Philly Podfest in addition to a ton of shows.

[1:17:22] I apologize.

[1:17:22] I wrote that down wrong.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:23] There's two other great shows from Maximum Fun that are doing shows there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:28] We Got This with Hal Lublin and Mark Agliardi, two great guys.

[1:17:32] And Sawbones, right?

[1:17:33] Yeah, I'm always playing video games without Hal Lublin on the internet.

[1:17:37] And Sawbones with Sidney and Justin McElroy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:41] Three Max Fun shows, but the one you're going to want to see is the Flophouse one, right?

[1:17:45] But I think they're not at the same time, so you can see them all if you want.

[1:17:48] Yeah, we can see them all at the same time, yeah.

[1:17:48] It's a pod fest.

[1:17:49] See more than one.

[1:17:50] It's a festival.

[1:17:51] Yeah, go crazy.

[1:17:52] They call them pod fiestas in the Spanish-speaking world.

[1:17:54] As Stuart says, do what your body wants.

[1:17:56] Just do what your body wants.

[1:17:57] And your body wants tons of podcasts.

[1:17:59] And now I apologize for misremembering the date of the other one and misremembering the

[1:18:03] month of it.

[1:18:03] I'm a busy man.

[1:18:04] I got a lot going on.

[1:18:05] June 22nd, we'll be doing a show at the-

[1:18:08] That's this month.

[1:18:08] This month.

[1:18:09] That is bare weeks from when this episode is released.

[1:18:13] We'll be at the Brooklyn Alamo Drafthouse for Flop Night.

[1:18:16] Once again, we're teaming up with the I Love Bad Movies crew of Matt Carman and Kseni Yerosh

[1:18:20] to riff over a real movie.

[1:18:24] Not record an episode where we talk about a movie, but to talk over a movie.

[1:18:27] And oh boy, what movie is it, guys?

[1:18:31] Stolen.

[1:18:32] Stolen starring Nicholas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:34] It's Stolen starring Nicholas Cage.

[1:18:36] And you know what?

[1:18:38] We've riffed over a lot of bad movies.

[1:18:40] Finally, we're going to watch a good movie, stupids.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:42] Yeah, it's actually a pretty fun movie.

[1:18:45] And I got to say, I don't want to threaten anyone, but this is-

[1:18:48] Okay.

[1:18:49] Chill the fuck out, dude.

[1:18:52] We may, like, look, with Elliot moving, it'll be harder to do live shows in New York.

[1:18:57] We are going to be doing live shows across the U.S. and Canada.

[1:19:01] We're going to try and do-

[1:19:02] Yeah, other planets even.

[1:19:04] We're going to try and-

[1:19:06] Other dimensions.

[1:19:06] We're Hitler one.

[1:19:07] Ego, the living planet.

[1:19:08] We're going to try and spread out our live shows.

[1:19:11] Those two.

[1:19:12] But I think that this may be capping our live riffing shows in New York career.

[1:19:19] I mean, it's a good possibility, is all I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:21] It's possible.

[1:19:22] Who knows what may happen in the far future, but I think it's a possibility.

[1:19:27] So if you want to see us, if you live in New York and you want to see us riffing on a movie,

[1:19:32] this will be your last bet for some time.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:34] I'm excited about doing it because that was kind of how we started doing our

[1:19:37] live shows.

[1:19:38] Definitely.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:39] And we started doing our live shows with Matt and Gesenia of I Love Bad Movies and with

[1:19:43] Christina.

[1:19:44] And Christina, programmer now at the Alamo Draft House.

[1:19:47] It's going to be this great, bittersweet love letter to just like us.

[1:19:52] Honestly, like-

Dan McCoy

[1:19:53] A bittersweet love letter to ourselves.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:55] Honestly, like if it's going to be, I know, an emotional experience for me, there's going

[1:20:00] to be a lot of people that I'm doing this show with that I'm going to be moving far away

[1:20:04] from and just will not have the same contact with.

[1:20:07] And so if audience members want to see me probably tearing up at the end of it, come on down to

[1:20:13] the Alamo Draft House on June 22nd.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:16] Yeah, just show up and tear up a picture of Abraham Lincoln.

[1:20:20] No!

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:21] I mean, it's no worse than what was done to him in real life.

[1:20:24] His head was ripped apart by a bullet.

[1:20:26] But, and, or maybe I'm just crying at the majesty that is Nicholas Gage and stolen.

[1:20:31] Who knows?

[1:20:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:34] I apologize again about getting the, I had written the month down wrong.

[1:20:36] That's all right.

[1:20:38] Sometimes I get confused about which month is which.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:40] Don't worry, next episode you'll do another fucking apology.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:42] Yeah, next, I'll do an apology in July.

[1:20:44] Sorry for everybody who missed that show.

[1:20:46] So that's July 16th in Philadelphia and June 22nd in New York.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:52] I apologize because I was officially in the no bozo zone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:57] I have a letter that I prepared with my attorney.

[1:21:01] I feel sadness and shame for myself, my family, and the organizations I represent

[1:21:07] for my activities and behavior which can only be described as

[1:21:11] having a high degree of bozo quality.

[1:21:14] Yes, I know, I'm fully aware that I was in the bozo, no bozo zone zone.

[1:21:19] I was in the no bozo zone at the time.

[1:21:20] No bone zone.

[1:21:21] I was not in the bone zone either.

[1:21:23] And my being a bozo and being full of bones were both reprehensible

[1:21:28] and I'm ashamed and I will do everything in my power to avoid such problems in the future.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:32] Yeah, I didn't like Elliot.

[1:21:33] Love Elliot.

[1:21:34] I didn't like Elliot's mistake, but he's kind of a class act and his apologies,

[1:21:37] so I'll let him back into the zone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:40] Thanks.

[1:21:40] So Dan, letter bag.

[1:21:42] We don't have time for a letter song.

[1:21:43] Let's get to the letters.

[1:21:48] Let's get to those letters because we're running out of time.

[1:21:53] It's late right now in the episode.

[1:21:56] As long as let's just cut to the letters.

[1:21:58] No time for a song.

[1:22:00] It's letters time.

[1:22:01] It's letters time.

[1:22:03] Let's get those quick letters going right now.

[1:22:07] Let's sing a song, but let's not.

[1:22:09] There's no time.

[1:22:10] Let's do a shot and you missed it.

[1:22:12] It's letter time.

[1:22:16] Thanks, I guess.

[1:22:17] I could have sang a song, but I didn't because we don't have a lot of time.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:20] Yeah.

[1:22:20] All right, this is letters from listeners.

[1:22:23] Our first letter is from Jackie, last name with hell.

[1:22:26] Jackie Burke, the main character of the film.

[1:22:28] Who says.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:30] He's going to say Jackie Roseanne's sister.

[1:22:33] Laurie Metcalf?

[1:22:34] Yeah.

[1:22:34] No, I mean the.

[1:22:35] Oh, the character.

[1:22:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:36] In your opinion, what villain or supervillain has the best job prospects in today's competitive market?

[1:22:42] Whose powers and or skills are exactly what employees are looking for?

[1:22:46] For example, in the final episode of Sherlock, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, spoiler alert,

[1:22:55] Uris Holmes, Sherlock's secret crazy sister, manages.

[1:22:58] What?

[1:23:01] Sherlock manages to take over a high-tech island prison and sets up a Saw-style death maze filled with carefully timed traps.

[1:23:07] Sounds awesome.

[1:23:07] Sherlock lost its way.

[1:23:09] One of which involved transporting the unconscious main character hundreds of miles away.

[1:23:14] All with the power.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:15] Oh, and also pretending to be a little girl on a crashing plane for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:18] Yeah.

[1:23:19] All with the power of her.

[1:23:20] That sounds awesome.

[1:23:21] Psychotic brainwashing abilities.

[1:23:23] A lot of prep and people must have been involved.

[1:23:26] She is not getting enough talent credit for her amazing project management skills.

[1:23:30] Yeah.

[1:23:31] What villains have transferable talents that would really make a resume stand out?

[1:23:35] Thanks from Chicago.

[1:23:36] Jackie, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:38] Well, I feel like in Suicide Squad, Harley Quinn has a real talent for dealing with difficult men

[1:23:43] without losing her poise and gaining their respect,

[1:23:48] without, you know, bringing herself to do things that she's ashamed to do,

[1:23:52] mainly because she has no shame.

[1:23:53] And I feel like in today's both job and political market,

[1:23:56] that would be a real source of strength.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:58] I feel like Blofeld, he has a real affinity for animals.

[1:24:05] Like he could be a veterinary assistant.

[1:24:07] The way he is able to threaten James Bond while petting a white cat on his lap

[1:24:12] and not have that cat distressed or run off or anything.

[1:24:16] Shooting for the stars there.

[1:24:18] Like, what do you mean?

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:20] You know, shooting, I mean.

[1:24:21] Yeah, thinking big.

[1:24:22] He's super rich, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:23] Yeah, he spends billions of dollars on undersea bases and things like that.

[1:24:27] Where his talents lie.

[1:24:29] Now, have you ever heard the theory that Blofeld is actually the cat

[1:24:31] and he telepathically controls different men and makes them Blofeld?

Dan McCoy

[1:24:35] Oh, because they have different actors playing Blofeld?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:38] Yeah, and that Blofeld is just a telepathic cat.

[1:24:41] I had not heard of that, but I love it.

[1:24:44] That's the only fan theory I've ever heard that I've liked.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:48] Okay, well, there you go.

[1:24:49] Keep it under your pillow, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:50] Yeah, I'll keep it there with a wish and a kiss.

[1:24:56] It's going to keep him awake at night like the princess and the pee.

[1:24:59] She kept peeing in her bed.

[1:25:01] No wonder she was waking up.

[1:25:02] Uh-huh.

[1:25:03] Because it feels warm at first and then it gets cold.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:05] It gets really cold.

[1:25:06] Also, princess was a horse.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:08] I was going to say, you know, I was going to say Doctor Doom because he's like super rich

[1:25:15] and he's got lasers and he just doesn't give a shit.

[1:25:18] Also, like a doctor is always in demand somewhere.

[1:25:20] I feel like in this political climate, just like his charisma and attitude and armor and

[1:25:26] shit and not giving a fuck, he'd probably do really well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:30] There's also villains like the Trapster, originally known as Paste Pot Pete, who has this super

[1:25:35] glue and it's like, why are you committing crimes?

[1:25:38] Just sell that glue.

[1:25:39] Sell the glue, dude.

[1:25:40] You got it right there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:41] You have a costume perfect for infomercials.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:46] Like the wizard has anti-gravity discs.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:49] I thought he had a power glove.

[1:25:51] What movie was I watching?

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:53] Talking about a different wizard.

[1:25:55] He has anti-gravity discs.

[1:25:57] It's like, why are you using those to commit crimes and try to take over the world?

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:00] Alan Moore has anti-gravity discs?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:02] Oh, boy.

[1:26:03] You know what, Dan?

[1:26:03] Let's go to the next letter.

[1:26:05] Next letter's from Paula, last name withheld.

[1:26:08] Giamatti.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:10] Paula Giamatti, all right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:11] Yeah, Paul's sister.

[1:26:13] I thought you were doing it like, just Italian.

[1:26:15] Paula, last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:18] It goes like this.

[1:26:19] Thank you so much for your podcast.

[1:26:21] It sure makes a nice work day when I can tune in to listen to three pals yuck it up about

[1:26:26] questionable movie culture.

[1:26:28] Even though I do worry sometimes about Dan's well-being.

[1:26:31] Are you okay, Dan?

[1:26:32] Those other guys can be so mean.

[1:26:35] My questions are.

[1:26:36] Yeah, that's what's causing Dan's problems.

[1:26:38] My questions are.

[1:26:41] In your own biopics, what would be the last line spoken and who would deliver it?

[1:26:45] And while we're here, what music would see the movie out?

[1:26:48] Oh, interesting.

[1:26:49] Thanks again and best wishes.

[1:26:50] Paula, last name withheld.

[1:26:52] Now, clearly, for reasons that you state in your own letter, the last lines of the movie for my movie would be, how could we go on without Dan?

[1:27:05] And it would be Elliot and Stuart saying it.

[1:27:07] And then as we cut to black, there would just be two gunshot sound effects.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:12] So what's the song that plays?

[1:27:13] Like, I'm walking on sunshine?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:15] Crossroads?

[1:27:16] Malt bugs in harmony?

[1:27:19] No, to be more serious about what song I would like to play.

[1:27:21] I don't know.

[1:27:22] I think that five years off of Ziggy Stardust, I would like very much.

[1:27:27] Or this is maybe a little obvious.

[1:27:30] Since I'm talking heads fan.

[1:27:32] And this is, I almost said, since I'm talking heads.

[1:27:36] Since I am talking heads.

[1:27:39] And this is their most sentimental song.

[1:27:43] But Naive Melody would be a nice song.

[1:27:45] Yeah, sure.

[1:27:46] To play over the end of a biopic.

[1:27:48] Or at a wake, let's say.

[1:27:50] For me.

[1:27:52] When I die.

[1:27:52] Elliot, get on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:54] I'll remember.

[1:27:55] Yeah, like, I'm not going to remember that.

[1:27:56] It's the first song I'll think of.

[1:27:57] When you die and I play it at your wake.

[1:27:59] That is a sweet song, though.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:01] You know, for a long time, I assumed the music that would play over the closing credits of my biopic would be

[1:28:07] Hallowed Be Thy Name by Iron Maiden.

[1:28:10] Now as I'm a little older, it's probably My Way by Frank Sinatra.

[1:28:15] And the last words would be, and nowadays, we call them computers.

[1:28:21] Boom.

[1:28:22] And then somebody says, cofefe, and then I dab a whole bunch.

[1:28:28] I don't know how well your story's going to age.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:32] Yeah, really going to date your biopics, too.

[1:28:34] That would be awesome, right?

[1:28:37] I just think mine's going to end.

[1:28:39] You're just going to see a police detective shaking his head sadly going, too much chicken.

[1:28:43] And then it'll probably go to either Mother by Danzig or Leatherwing Bat, the Peter, Paul, and Mary version.

[1:28:54] Depends on how I'm feeling the day I die.

[1:28:55] Sure.

[1:28:56] I know I'm going to wake up early the day I die.

[1:28:57] That's for sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:59] Probably feel a fly buzz in my brain.

[1:29:01] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:03] I mean, I couldn't stop for death, but he kindly stopped for me.

[1:29:08] Yeah.

[1:29:09] Thanks for all the references.

[1:29:11] No problem.

[1:29:12] You got it.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:13] Anytime, bud.

[1:29:15] This next letter is actually very serious.

[1:29:20] Okay.

[1:29:20] So let's dial it back, guys.

[1:29:22] Sorry.

[1:29:23] Okay.

[1:29:24] My name is...

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:25] I mean, we were just not being serious talking about our own demises.

[1:29:28] No, I know.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:29] Well, I'll do our best.

[1:29:30] I'm just warning you.

[1:29:32] So you don't joke them ups.

[1:29:35] My name is Brian, and I recently discovered the flop house through my fiancée of six and

[1:29:39] a half years, but sadly under bad circumstances.

[1:29:43] He recently became blind at 29 due to her diabetes and gastropariasis.

[1:29:48] This has changed her life from the worst because we got together bound by a love of our film

[1:29:55] and the cinema experience.

[1:29:57] Her perfect films are Back to the Future and Ghostbusters, but she will talk Kubrick and

[1:30:01] Allen all day long with you.

[1:30:03] Her dream to be a film director is shattered due to her blindness now.

[1:30:06] Even though she can't see to watch movies or maneuver her phone, she still manages to

[1:30:10] pull up y'all's podcast.

[1:30:12] Each day she cries and wants to give up, but she manages to laugh with each flop house review.

[1:30:17] The flop house seemingly is keeping her going.

[1:30:19] We recently listened to the Oogie Loves review and we laughed so hard together.

[1:30:23] A complete blessing, in my opinion.

[1:30:25] I write this message to you guys, hoping you can help.

[1:30:28] Please, from the bottom of my heart, give a shout out to Catherine Agee of Longview, Texas.

[1:30:33] I believe in my heart it would be enough to give her a sense of strength.

[1:30:37] Also, we both think a terrific film to talk about is Princess Under the Cherry Moon.

[1:30:41] Jesus, you have to see it to understand what we mean, but it's so cringeworthy.

[1:30:44] She was going to do a what the fuck film review of it, but now she's incapable.

[1:30:49] She's currently in the hospital, blind and listening to your voices now.

[1:30:53] Thank you with nerd love, Brian.

[1:30:55] Last name withheld.

[1:30:57] So, a shout out definitely to Catherine Agee of Longview, Texas.

[1:31:03] Thanks for writing in.

[1:31:06] Not much to say about this, but...

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:07] No, I mean, yeah, definitely a shout out.

[1:31:13] But the idea, like, Catherine, you're struggling with something that I know, like, that's one of my biggest fears.

[1:31:22] Mine as well, yeah.

[1:31:22] I can't imagine it, but it sounds like you have somebody in your life who loves you very much.

[1:31:31] And I think that you have the strength to push through this and, I mean, hope and find a way to move forward with your life.

[1:31:43] And I think it's, if we can provide any, like, gateway to the world of film for somebody who loves film but can't experience it anymore, like, that's the...

[1:31:53] Like, this whole fucking thing is worthwhile.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:56] Yeah, there's no better reason for us to continue to put up with each other day in and day out.

[1:32:04] But Stuart has spoken, I think, yeah, certainly how I feel about this, too, very eloquently.

[1:32:12] It's the booze.

[1:32:14] But thank you for writing in and telling us about this.

[1:32:17] Catherine, thank you for listening.

[1:32:18] And we'll be thinking of you, and you'll be in our thoughts and our prayers.

[1:32:23] And, yeah, I don't know you, but I know that you can push through this and that you will find the things in life that are bringing you wonder and joy and happiness and love still.

[1:32:37] And if us yammering on and making fun of Dan when he mispronounces things is part of that, then I feel very lucky.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:46] And if I can mispronounce things for your advantage, then all the better.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:50] For his advantage?

[1:32:51] She's not making money on the stock market based on it.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:56] I mean, if she's not, she can make a pretty good bet against me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:59] Oh, that's true, yeah.

[1:33:01] Of course, when Dan misspoke, he was giving me a stock tip.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:06] Las Vegas oddsmakers do lay.

[1:33:09] They're not, I mean, you're not going to make a ton of money off of a Dan.

[1:33:12] No.

[1:33:12] Is he or is he not going to mispronounce odd?

[1:33:14] But if you can guess the actual word that he mispronounces, and if you can also guess when it happens and also what he mispronounces it as, that's a trifecta.

[1:33:24] That can pay big bucks.

[1:33:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:28] One last question before we go.

[1:33:31] I mean, we're going to do our recommendations.

[1:33:33] Not before we go, but before we go out of this segment.

[1:33:37] Hey-ho to my favorite jizz cast.

[1:33:39] This is from Pete last night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:40] A real changing tone.

[1:33:42] Really shocked me out of that one, Dan.

[1:33:45] Squeak.

[1:33:47] I have whiplash.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:48] Oh, wow.

[1:33:51] I mean, in all fairness, we are a pretty good jizz cast.

[1:33:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:54] It's just I feel like the person who curates these letters, one Dan McCoy, that was an unfair juxtaposition.

[1:34:01] But continue, shall you?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:03] My question is, if someone comes with a stretcher and a garbage bag, which one of you is getting on the stretcher and which two of you are getting in the bag?

[1:34:11] Oh.

[1:34:11] Oh, that's a good point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:13] Dan's the hero that gets on the stretcher and we're the two pieces of shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:17] Put it in the garbage bag.

[1:34:19] And they just need one bag because I'm pretty small.

[1:34:21] I'm not going to take up a lot of room.

[1:34:22] Yeah, you can share my bag, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:24] And then they can take the other bag and fill it with, I don't know, like gummy bears or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:28] For the ride to the mortuary.

[1:34:31] Yeah, and especially if it's one of those glad bags that stretches a lot, like those quilted ones, we can definitely fit in.

[1:34:38] Dan, you want to join this bag party?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:40] Yeah, I mean, I kind of feel left out now that I'm on this nice stretcher.

[1:34:43] I mean, you deserve the stretcher.

[1:34:45] Sure, you're a hero.

[1:34:45] The stretcher is a Casper mattress, though, so it's going to be really comfortable.

[1:34:49] Oh, yeah.

[1:34:49] It's just the right bounce from what I hear.

[1:34:52] Yeah.

[1:34:54] I don't like hearing you say the word bounce.

[1:34:56] Okay.

[1:34:58] Well, thanks for those kind words.

[1:35:02] What do we do now, Dan?

[1:35:03] Now is the time in the podcast where we recommend a movie that we actually liked in lieu of watching The Comedian, which made me furious.

[1:35:13] That's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:13] You're giving me the stretch it sign.

[1:35:17] Okay.

[1:35:18] I guess we can talk forever.

[1:35:19] So I'm going to recommend a movie I saw recently that I definitely liked.

[1:35:24] Now, I don't know if it hit me a little bit harder because I'm going through the process of moving my house, which I described earlier when I made that hilarious home improvement joke.

[1:35:35] So I'm going to recommend a movie called We Are Still Here.

[1:35:42] It's a little ghost story horror movie.

[1:35:46] I think it clocks in at like 80 minutes, 85 minutes.

[1:35:50] So you know that's great.

[1:35:52] In, out, done.

[1:35:55] Now, it's got some familiar faces.

[1:35:57] It's got Barbara Crampton in it, who gives a great performance.

[1:36:01] Barbara Crampton, love her.

[1:36:03] Put her in every horror movie.

[1:36:04] She's great.

[1:36:05] And it also has my boy Larry Fessenden in it.

[1:36:08] Oh, all-star.

[1:36:09] Yeah, another horror, like low-budget alt-horror guy.

[1:36:16] Did you ever see, what was that fucking vampire movie he was in like a long time ago?

[1:36:21] I don't remember.

[1:36:22] But, so it's this great little ghost story about a couple who move into an old house in a new town after the loss of their son.

[1:36:32] And they start noticing some strangeness that appears to be supernatural.

[1:36:39] And they assume it is their son trying to communicate with them.

[1:36:44] And they take steps to kind of figure out what's going on.

[1:36:49] And it's a pretty great little, also, it's gory, but not, like, crazy over the top.

[1:36:58] It's just a fun little ghost, like, ghosty horror movie.

[1:37:02] Check it out.

[1:37:02] We are still here.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:06] The movie I'm going to recommend, I remember barely anything about.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:10] What's still in the blanks?

[1:37:12] It's called...

[1:37:12] It's the Mad Libs of Recommendations.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:14] It's called She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.

[1:37:16] Oh.

[1:37:17] It's one of John Ford's cavalry films.

[1:37:19] It stars John Wayne.

[1:37:21] The second, I believe, of his cavalry trilogy.

[1:37:23] I remember it as being a very, very good movie that I liked a lot.

[1:37:27] And that's about all I can remember about it.

[1:37:30] I'm recommending it.

[1:37:31] Fill in some of them blanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:32] Well, the color photography is beautiful.

[1:37:34] It is.

[1:37:35] It's about a cavalry outpost.

[1:37:37] Okay.

[1:37:37] John Wayne plays a retiring...

[1:37:40] I don't know what his rank is, but he's the commanding officer there.

[1:37:44] He's a widower.

[1:37:46] And it is kind of the...

[1:37:49] There's something very autumnal about it.

[1:37:51] Both the passing of him out of the military orders and also the passing of this kind of way of life of this core of men.

[1:38:01] There are young men there, but the world that they're going to live in and the America they're going to live in is going to be a different, much less wild, but also in a way much less romantic world than the one that John Wayne has been fighting for.

[1:38:13] And the politics of it, of course, are complicated now because it is very much valorizing the men whose job was just to kill the hell out of Native Americans.

[1:38:21] I'm watching Dan's face as he realizes that he actually didn't like this movie.

[1:38:25] I saw it.

[1:38:26] No, no, no.

[1:38:26] No, no.

[1:38:27] But it's a beautiful movie.

[1:38:28] And it's actually...

[1:38:28] It's got a lot of very funny parts.

[1:38:30] There are some cattle drive moments that are a little long.

[1:38:33] People who used to watch old westerns loved watching cattle move.

[1:38:37] But no, it's actually...

Dan McCoy

[1:38:39] This face is me being like, this all sounds familiar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:41] I would call it, Dan, my third favorite John Ford movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:45] No, I remember it being a very great John Ford movie.

[1:38:48] And the reason I can't remember anything about it is just because I realized very late in this podcast that I hadn't seen any movies since we last were together.

[1:38:59] And I can't remember any movies.

[1:39:01] And what movie did I like in the past?

[1:39:06] She wore a yellow ribbon.

[1:39:08] That was one of them.

[1:39:09] That's very nice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:10] That's a great choice.

[1:39:10] So what do you guys do about that, Dan?

[1:39:11] Do you got any plans to see movies in the future?

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:15] Yeah.

[1:39:16] Hey, why don't I recommend a movie?

[1:39:17] Oh, okay.

[1:39:18] Oh, yeah.

[1:39:18] I was thinking...

[1:39:19] Now, a movie I saw recently that I was already recommending was the G.W. Pabst version of the Three Penny Opera.

[1:39:25] Okay.

[1:39:26] But I actually found myself kind of...

[1:39:27] Did you try Groschen opera?

[1:39:29] Exactly.

[1:39:29] I found myself kind of not fully satisfied by the film.

[1:39:33] And it's a film of a show that I love.

[1:39:35] And you do see La La Lenya perform the Pirate Jenny song, my favorite song from the show.

[1:39:39] But I started thinking when we were watching The Comedian, is there a movie that has a scene of someone performing stand-up comedy that I actually find funny?

[1:39:47] And I could think of one.

[1:39:48] The Muppet movie with Fozzie the Bear performing stand-up comedy.

[1:39:52] And lately, it's a movie I think about a lot, mainly because it seems to be on the TV all the time because it's my son's favorite movie.

[1:39:58] But also, it's very much about friends moving to...

[1:40:03] And who become a family moving to Los Angeles to make careers in the larger entertainment world.

[1:40:10] And so I've been relating to it a lot lately.

[1:40:12] And finding myself very close to tears during the Move and Write Along number.

[1:40:18] And at the very end when they sing about how life's like a movie and all that stuff.

[1:40:24] And so...

[1:40:24] Muppet movie, watch it.

[1:40:26] At this point, it's gone from a movie I enjoyed as a kid to a movie that is like one of the fibers of my heart.

[1:40:33] And so I'll recommend that one.

[1:40:34] It's also got Fozzie doing stand-up comedy in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:38] Sounds good.

[1:40:39] Three unqualified record.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:42] No, you can say that as a joke, but I think that that's true.

[1:40:47] No, yeah, I'm with you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:50] That's one of my favorite movies too.

[1:40:51] The thing is, guys, every time I say stuff, it sounds like I'm being sarcastic.

[1:40:56] Yeah, that's true.

[1:40:57] It's called David Kalin Syndrome.

[1:40:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:00] DKS.

[1:41:01] Somewhere David is listening to this podcast and being like, hey, what did I do?

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:09] Yeah, the first time I noticed that I had it, I was in the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and I was wearing a hockey jersey.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:18] Yeah, he wears a lot of hockey jerseys.

[1:41:20] Oh, jerseys of all types.

[1:41:21] Yeah.

[1:41:23] He's a real jersey boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:25] Literally.

[1:41:26] That's where we grew up.

[1:41:27] So Dan, and he's also a member of whatever band was that in Jersey Boys.

[1:41:31] Four Tops.

[1:41:32] Four somethings.

[1:41:34] Yeah, Four Tops.

[1:41:35] The Fleetwood Mac.

[1:41:37] The Fleetwood Mac.

[1:41:38] This is my Fleetwood Mac jukebox musical tusk.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:43] So this is the part of the podcast where we say goodbye, where Elliot has been anxiously looking at his watch for about half an hour.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:51] Just to see how late I'm going to get home.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:53] Yeah, I know.

[1:41:54] It makes sense.

[1:41:55] It checks out.

[1:41:57] We should get off the old podcast horn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:01] I'm not sure if everyone's aware of the fact that we record these shows after we're done with work.

[1:42:07] And after we watch the movie.

[1:42:08] And after we watch the movie.

[1:42:09] So by the time we finish, it's usually fairly after midnight.

[1:42:14] And I don't know about you guys.

[1:42:15] I need my booty sweep.

[1:42:18] Or else I wake up in the morning and I don't look booty full.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:22] That's what makes your booty so tight.

[1:42:25] Sleeping.

[1:42:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:26] Anyway.

[1:42:27] No, these jokes are getting better, guys.

[1:42:28] Let's just keep it up.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:32] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:42:35] Heyo, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:42:38] Oh, sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:41] Hold on.

[1:42:42] Thank you, everybody.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:43] And this is Elliot Kalin stepping on Stuart's lines.

[1:42:47] Good night, everyone.

[1:42:58] You guys want to hold hands?

[1:43:00] Maybe we could pray a little bit.

[1:43:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:02] Yeah, let's pray.

[1:43:03] Okay.

[1:43:04] Dan, turn it off.

[1:43:04] I don't want anyone hearing my prayers.

[1:43:07] We're gathered here today to get through this thing called life.

[1:43:11] Et cetera.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:13] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:16] Maximumfun.org.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:18] Comedy and culture.

[1:43:19] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:20] Listener supported.

Ep.#233 - The Comedian

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