Ep. #234 - The Accountant

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the accountant.

[0:02] Does the Beantown Bat Boy bring Botho B.O.?

[0:07] Maybe.

[0:08] Bingo.

[0:13] Alliteration can only go so far.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:45] Hey all you new listeners out there, I'm Stuart, the cool guy, Wellington.

[0:50] And you old listeners know me as that young whippersnapper Ellie Kaelin who just can't keep interrupting all these other guys for gosh darn sakes.

[0:57] now of course i'm addressing the the new listeners elliot's addressing the old listeners because i'm

[1:02] sure they all came to the yard to hear us talk about the biggest movie of the world starring

[1:08] with starting with an a the accountant now dan what is this podcast about before we start talking

[1:12] about the accountant it's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it

[1:16] speaking of hey guys i got an idea for a movie sure okay it's a new movie okay brand new it's

[1:22] called uh-huh it's called yeah called all right dr wonka okay

[1:30] and the cavity factory okay he's a dentist oh wow okay that's gonna be tough america doesn't

[1:39] like the dentist just as corbin bernson it could also be called dr wonka and the chocolate cavity

[1:44] all right but i like cavity factory uh now here's the thing i chocolate cavity is gross because

[1:49] that's the name of my uh say no more not interested uh or maybe i am i don't know uh and there's a

[1:58] it's a musical there's one song that goes like this come with me and you'll see a world of dental

[2:06] sanitation that's all i've got so far dental sanitation yeah because it's about teeth and

[2:12] keeping teeth clean i understand but like there's a little like trucks that come by and yeah because

[2:17] it's a world of whimsy so there's little trucks full of uh they're called uh molar lumpas yeah

[2:23] it's a crossover with pixar's hit trucks franchise yeah yeah and uh their hit teeth franchise

[2:28] the pixar didn't have the patent on teeth yeah that must be they've got a lot of valuable

[2:37] holdings but that's got to be their most valuable well you never saw that line item in your taxes

[2:41] every year that just says teeth no and then in parentheses copyright pixar that's why that

[2:46] that pixar movie teeth involves guys getting their ding-dongs chopped off by a lady's teeth

[2:51] the graphics were very good in that movie but it lacked the heart of a normal pixar film

[2:59] but it did have those randy newman songs in it streaks on the china no you got a friend in teeth

[3:06] you got a friend in teeth the teeth are in a vagina that's the song for that one yeah it's

[3:13] hard to rhyme with vagina is the problem the song the song just kind of abruptly ends there because

[3:17] randy didn't we couldn't think of a rhyme i mean no every now and then the music stops and every

[3:21] you hear him going uh angina no malina it's not a word i kinda but where's it pronounced

[3:32] Orangina

[3:33] No, that's Orangina

[3:36] Virginia

[3:37] Chuck Mangione

[3:41] No, Randy, no, you're not getting it

[3:44] And it goes on like that for about 17 minutes

[3:46] Great song

[3:48] Most people only heard the radio cut

[3:51] Which is much shorter

[3:52] So what do we do on this movie podcast?

[3:56] Are we talking about bad movies?

[3:58] We talk about bad movies

[3:59] I'm going to apologize up front

[4:02] i'm gonna make one of my patented dan apologies one of his pre-pologies what did you do this time

[4:08] dude oh you're getting us both sick yeah listener sick i'm getting a listener sick my germs are

[4:14] coming through your ear holes right now we're spreading like a virus yeah hey finally our

[4:19] podcast is going viral okay um you don't have to be crazy to do this podcast but it helps yeah

[4:27] That's the dumbest job you'll ever love.

[4:29] Hang in there, baby.

[4:31] Yep.

[4:32] Was that the Virginia Slims ad where the cat was hanging off a tree?

[4:35] I thought it was a baby hanging off a cigarette.

[4:37] No, you're thinking of, what's the movie where the guy gets killed and he comes back as a lady?

[4:44] And in the poster, it's like a lady hanging off a gun.

[4:47] Ellen Barkin.

[4:48] Yeah, is it called Switch?

[4:49] Oh, yeah, I think you're right.

[4:51] I was very interested in that movie growing up.

[4:54] Yeah, because it seemed like there was a lot of...

[4:56] Because it's Blake Edwards, right?

[4:57] I think it was Blake Edwards, and I think on the poster she doesn't have pants on.

[5:00] She's just wearing a man's shirt.

[5:01] I'm a kid.

[5:02] I loved S.O.B. by Blake Edwards.

[5:04] I love a brilliant takedown of Hollywood culture.

[5:10] You like that finally it had the topless Mary Poppins scene that everyone had been looking for.

[5:16] Her name is Mary Topless.

[5:17] Are you talking about S.O.B. or Switch?

[5:22] I'm talking about S.O.B.

[5:23] You would be right then.

[5:24] Okay, I don't have to roast you over the coals.

[5:26] So it's Sob, that's the name?

[5:29] Yep.

[5:29] The name of the movie is Sob, so she cries a lot because she's like,

[5:32] Blake, why are you making me do this?

[5:34] Did Ellen Barkin ever star in a dog movie?

[5:36] Just for the fun.

[5:37] You read my mind, and then I rejected that thought

[5:40] and didn't say it out loud because I care too much.

[5:44] Yep, you got one.

[5:50] No, I was just imagining her on the circuit, you know,

[5:55] talking to the talk show people.

[5:56] But the short circuit, she's riding Johnny Five around?

[5:58] Yeah.

[5:59] She's riding Johnny Five around into Johnny Carson's show.

[6:02] And Johnny's like, the Johnny Carson, not Johnny Five.

[6:06] Yeah, yeah.

[6:06] Someone's like, I'm seeing double here.

[6:07] Two Johnnies.

[6:08] But which one do I shoot?

[6:09] Forget about it.

[6:10] Why are you in this dog movie?

[6:13] And they're like, is it for the kids?

[6:15] And she goes, no, just for the pun of it.

[6:18] And then she winks at the audience and she flies off on a little Peter Pan rig

[6:23] that she put on before the show.

[6:24] Oh, wow.

[6:25] One of us turned into the moth.

[6:27] So what do we do on this podcast?

[6:32] Okay, so Dan, what do we do on this podcast for the third time?

[6:36] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[6:37] And what movie did we watch?

[6:38] Did we watch a bad movie this time?

[6:40] Come on, guys.

[6:40] We watched a movie.

[6:41] So I think they're like, we need to really catch people's eyes

[6:47] when they're in the video store.

[6:48] So let's start the movie with A, and we need a big star.

[6:51] Let's also find a big star whose last name starts with A.

[6:54] As most video stores, which still exist, are alphabetized by the last name of the star in the movie.

[6:59] Do we get Asmodeus to star in this movie?

[7:02] No, he doesn't exist.

[7:04] Too bad there are no famous aardvarks in Hollywood.

[7:06] We'd be the first in the row with the video.

[7:10] Arthur?

[7:10] Hello.

[7:12] Hello.

[7:13] What?

[7:14] Arthur the aardvark.

[7:15] Okay, and was he going to be in an action film?

[7:18] Can you imagine Arthur the aardvark?

[7:20] There are no famous aardvarks in Hollywood.

[7:22] In Hollywood, Dan.

[7:24] He's not in Hollywood.

[7:25] He's a PBS character.

[7:26] He probably lives in Pittsburgh.

[7:27] Arthur is a nerd who gets mad.

[7:30] Oh, yeah.

[7:30] And Ben Affleck's character is a nerd who gets mad.

[7:33] This movie would have been more interesting if it did star Arthur the Aardvark.

[7:37] Yeah, an animated Aardvark.

[7:38] I stand corrected here.

[7:41] Romance is Anna Kendrick.

[7:42] There's one famous Aardvark.

[7:43] He was recently, he's been in a lot of relationships with famous Hollywood actresses.

[7:48] So, yeah, he is in Hollywood a lot of the time.

[7:51] Probably to visit his girlfriend, Eva Longoria.

[7:54] um so this is a movie about a guy called ben affleck so is this movie a huge success

[8:03] this movie was a middling success and at least according to what cinema score it was like the

[8:09] best movie of the year got an a from cinema score richard roper couldn't stop fucking jizzing on

[8:14] this thing three and a half stars yeah he said quote i just all over it he could not stop jizzing

[8:19] They had to take it out of his eyeliner

[8:22] Eventually he was so dehydrated

[8:25] From too much jizz

[8:26] People were just screaming at the projectionist

[8:29] Turn it off you're killing him

[8:31] But the projectionist had already died

[8:33] From jizz dehydration

[8:36] Yeah

[8:37] It's just like the film

[8:39] What's the name of that

[8:40] Master's of Harps

[8:41] One that Drew McQueen wrote

[8:45] Ain't it cool news

[8:48] Moriarty.

[8:50] Oh, I didn't realize that.

[8:51] Okay, so Dan, do you want to do the plot tonight, Mr. Sickie?

[8:54] No, I really don't.

[8:55] I feel like I started...

[8:57] You sound all fired up about it.

[8:58] Okay, there's a guy called...

[9:01] His name is Christian Wolf.

[9:04] Okay.

[9:04] And we see him first as a very young kid.

[9:08] Nope.

[9:08] What?

[9:09] Kinda.

[9:10] The first thing we see is the aftermath of a crime.

[9:12] A number of dead bodies are littering a hallway,

[9:15] but we don't know who committed it or why.

[9:17] And the movie wants us to ask, who committed this crime?

[9:20] But really what we're asking is, did we walk into the middle of a different movie?

[9:23] And it feels a lot like I'm watching a first-time teaser trailer for a new crime shooter video game.

[9:32] You don't see any faces, you just see some dead bodies and a close-up of a gun, and there's a lot of creaking sound effects.

[9:39] And then it says rated M for Mature at the end.

[9:41] Not for marriage.

[9:42] No.

[9:42] So Dan, okay.

[9:44] So we start out, he's a kid.

[9:46] His name's not Christian Wolfe yet.

[9:48] Now, what's this kid?

[9:50] Now, it's the past.

[9:51] We're in, like, the 80s.

[9:52] This kid.

[9:54] Yeah, there's a bunch of Rubik's Cubes and leg warmers all over the place.

[9:58] Yeah, everybody's singing Let's Get Physical.

[10:00] And, what, like, Disco Duck?

[10:04] Was that an 80s song?

[10:05] I don't know.

[10:06] Pac-Man Fever, I think, probably would be.

[10:08] Okay, Pac-Man.

[10:08] They're all singing Pac-Man Fever.

[10:09] That's why he's got a Walkman.

[10:10] And Reagan walks through and he's like, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

[10:14] In the 80s.

[10:15] And then he moonwalks out of the room.

[10:17] Yep, yep, exactly.

[10:19] And Isaac Asimov is like,

[10:20] I only have a certain number of years to live

[10:22] because I die in the early 90s.

[10:24] That really grounds it in the 80s.

[10:27] Yeah, terrible that he knew his own death.

[10:28] Anyway, so Dan.

[10:31] Yeah.

[10:31] Want to tell me, we're in a special setting.

[10:34] Some parents have brought their child to be evaluated.

[10:36] Yeah, the kid is a troublesome youth

[10:40] and they don't say out loud what the...

[10:43] Seems, okay.

[10:44] What the, what do you call it?

[10:47] The diagnosis is.

[10:49] Yeah, this kid has difficulty handling bright lights.

[10:53] He has difficulty handling, too, probably.

[10:54] Probably.

[10:55] With hand rings.

[10:56] Yep.

[10:56] He can't handle some, like, an overload of sensory input,

[11:01] and yet he's, like, super smart, high-functioning.

[11:04] He's a super genius with puzzles.

[11:05] He puts together a whole puzzle without looking at the picture,

[11:07] but when he's missing one piece, he throws a fit,

[11:09] and it's very clear that he is somewhere on the autism spectrum.

[11:14] should have been a better name it sounds like that would have been a great name if you don't

[11:17] know what the autism spectrum is it sounds like a either a spy novel or like a pulp science fiction

[11:23] novel like uh like a cia scientist jack ramekin thought that they were pushing the edges of

[11:32] reality he didn't realize he was about to discuss about to enter the autism spectrum and it's about

[11:38] like a color that drives you crazy uh which actually sounds like a grant morrison story

[11:43] now i think about it doesn't sound like that but uh so he is he's being evaluated they the guy

[11:49] runs like a home for children who have these kinds of special needs and he's he's got a like

[11:55] a little touchy-feely solution he's like let's study him give him a quiet place to learn he's

[12:00] like professor x if instead of mutant powers everyone had autism related powers yeah and

[12:06] because this movie and we'll get into it eventually it is one of many movies i assume that i can i

[12:12] i feel like i've seen them but not all of them come to mind that posit that something that is

[12:18] for many people in real life a disability is actually a superpower yeah well something that

[12:25] is can make life difficult and other people are kind of weirded out by and either fear or treat

[12:33] people with that as different or like they're less than human uh it shows that they're like

[12:40] kind of a breed apart and they are like mutants uh according to these movies yeah uh so anyway

[12:46] and he has a younger brother who's the only who if they talk about how his younger brother can

[12:50] calm him down but then in the scene the younger brother just sits there and watches his brother

[12:54] like throw a fit and this girl who's in the room who has her own issues gives the final piece of

[13:00] the puzzle to this kid and everything's okay and the dad the viewer should be like that's

[13:05] foreshadowing and the dad is like this isn't the right way to do it he he does can't handle

[13:11] stimulation well so you want to take him away from stimulation the world is full of stimulation

[13:15] he's got to get used to it this guy is all tough love he's like deal with it man yep d w i m jwim

[13:22] deal with it man and he uh yeah he shakes his head all sassy and you're like wow what's this

[13:27] guy's deal and he's played by jack a so there's just extra sass on top of sass he's also in the

[13:33] military yes uh i don't know if we know that at the time yeah yeah they say that they have to

[13:38] travel around a lot because of his job that's right it's a big exposition dump so anyway uh

[13:42] cut to the present and that boy has grown up to be christian wolf an accountant who

[13:50] is a super accountant uh and he manages we learned he's an amazing accountant by this couple walk

[13:58] into his office and a couple of blue-collar joes just trying to make their family farm older white

[14:04] people the guy's wearing a trucker hat the lady you can tell goes to church she was probably prom

[14:09] queen but now she's an old lady yes okay i mean come on that's how time works dan every prom queen

[14:17] becomes an old lady hopefully that's a beautiful song that you just wrote every prom queen becomes

[14:23] an old lady hopefully every prom queen lives to see her best days pass her by because when you

[14:31] think about it isn't it sadder if she doesn't become an old lady because it means somewhere

[14:37] along the road something went wrong some heavy load just smushed her from above probably a peony

[14:44] or an anvil why was she walking underneath that moving company crane she saw all those orange

[14:52] cones around what you did was kind of insane young prom queen you got a lot of years ahead of you for

[14:59] a regret but isn't it better yet that you walk under a net and not that part between the net

[15:06] and the building where the piano can just fall to the ground it isn't sound that chain holding

[15:11] the piano someone should have checked it a long time ago you know young prom queen the story

[15:20] Wow, Dan's making this stretch motion with his hands, like stretch the song out.

[15:24] Like Stretch Armstrong, which is what Lance Armstrong was called when he lied about his stuff.

[15:29] Stretch the truth, Armstrong.

[15:30] That's a hot take.

[15:32] Anyway, so we learned that Christian Wolfe is a wonder.

[15:35] Wolfe is a wonder.

[15:35] I thought that was what he called his penis, Stretch Armstrong.

[15:38] That's what he did, puppetry the penis with it?

[15:41] That's right.

[15:42] He's like, whoop.

[15:43] I call this one the tour de franc.

[15:45] Looks like a hot dog.

[15:48] You're just putting your penis in a hot dog bun, Lance.

[15:51] Yeah, puppetry.

[15:52] Anyway, looks like a pretty good hot dog, doesn't it?

[15:55] No, don't eat your own penis, Lance.

[15:56] Wait, he got paid to put his penis in a hot dog bun?

[16:00] I do that shit for free all the time.

[16:02] That's why you're a fool, Lance Armstrong's a genius.

[16:05] Anyway.

[16:06] I guess do what you love, you know?

[16:08] Yeah, yeah.

[16:09] He died as he lived with his penis in a hot dog bun.

[16:12] So Christian Wolfe shows us that he's a superstar accountant by saying,

[16:16] hey, that thing that you sell in your house, let's call it a business,

[16:20] and now your house is a place of business and the truck you own is the business truck,

[16:23] and you can write it all off on your taxes,

[16:25] which is literally, I think, accounting 101 for CPAs,

[16:29] which is make everything a business expense and write it off.

[16:32] Yeah, it's not the most amazing accounting hoopla,

[16:37] but it really impresses this old couple who invite him out to spend time at the farm whenever they want to.

[16:44] And he uses their farm as a shooting range where he uses a high-powered rifle to shoot cantaloupes with unhappy faces painted on them.

[16:52] At an oddly short range, like so close that it seems like overkill.

[16:57] And it's no test of skill whatsoever.

[16:59] No, it's like one of those enemy-at-the-gates sniper rifles.

[17:02] And he's maybe like, what, 100 feet away from these cantaloupes?

[17:06] No, the guy looks at him over with his binoculars and he's like, it's got to be a mile.

[17:12] Oh, okay, because it didn't look like a mile-on-a-movie.

[17:14] It didn't look like a mile-on-a-movie.

[17:15] I mean, I think they could pan between him and the cantaloupes.

[17:18] Also, they're called binocs.

[17:20] Okay.

[17:20] Because that reminds me of a binoc.

[17:22] Now, guys, we're living in a post-Wanted world.

[17:27] Am I to be impressed by a guy who shoots things and doesn't bend bullets around stuff?

[17:32] Anyone could shoot something in a straight line.

[17:34] Exactly.

[17:35] Let's Wanted it up, and nobody has a tiger tattooed on their back in this movie.

[17:39] There's no magic loom.

[17:41] nobody uses antique whaling bullets anymore okay also uh ben affleck's company is zzz accounting

[17:48] because this movie really put me to sleep uh what we find out is uh ben affleck is actually

[17:54] a super criminal accountant he's the guy who he's really great at unpacking books to find where

[18:00] money is being leaked from places you think there was a moment when this uh when the script

[18:05] screenplay was being shopped around the 80s when they're like you know what we really need zz top

[18:10] to walk by and be like no that's an account uh do i think that that happened yeah do you think

[18:17] that happened probably they had written in a scene with zz and they just pull their sunglasses down

[18:21] too many z's and they just walk away but they're like ziggy comes out and he's like hey if you had

[18:27] me there's enough z's for everyone and then the movie comes about ziggy joining zz top yeah

[18:32] and ziggy's trying to grow a beard not happening no but they sing legs about him because he doesn't

[18:37] her pants yeah i like this movie let's make that movie instead of the accountant z ziggy top and

[18:44] they're like we're on the zz bottom now that ziggy joined us and ziggy's like oh dear do you know

[18:50] that billy gibbons from zz top has a coffee table book that's just like pictures of uh of like him

[18:56] and his cars and guitars and it's called cars and guitars i thought it was gonna be pictures of

[19:00] beards no i mean if he's in the picture there's a picture of a beard yeah there's always a beard

[19:05] in it, Dan. He's basically

[19:07] a wizard. Just disembodied

[19:09] beards of everybody.

[19:11] What, like famous beards? Yeah, famous

[19:13] beards. But removed from the people that...

[19:15] That's gotta be a Tumblr. Famous beards on their own?

[19:17] Yeah. Here again,

[19:19] a beard on my own.

[19:21] Oh, wow, there's a song?

[19:23] Is the guitar tablature on that Tumblr?

[19:25] I flew off of the only chin I've known.

[19:28] A strong wind

[19:29] made me have to walk alone.

[19:31] Stuart just shook his beard

[19:33] to see whether he had any alcohol that could

[19:35] making through this it's like is there any more sleeping potion uh so ben affleck is we learn as

[19:42] when jk simmons the director of the treasury or no it's the director of the secret service or

[19:48] he's the director of some investigative body for the treasury i think it's yeah i think it's i mean

[19:52] the secret service investigates currency problems for the treasury that's why they were created but

[19:56] i don't know that i don't remember what he's the head of he brings in a woman named for all the

[20:00] exposition they don't explain that no he brings in a woman named medina and says to her oh you've

[20:04] been working really well as an assistant.

[20:06] Why don't you ever get asked to be promoted to agent?

[20:08] You're the one who's doing all these investigations.

[20:09] How would you describe this woman, Medina?

[20:12] Funky, but

[20:14] a little cold.

[20:15] And she, I think she likes

[20:18] flying under the radar because she's got a

[20:20] sketchy past. She committed

[20:22] a crime for the right reasons.

[20:24] And she also has a tattoo of a gun

[20:26] right on her pelvis. There's only two situations

[20:28] in which you have to do something

[20:30] for the right reasons. Be a contestant on

[20:32] the bachelor or be somebody who's in jail or has committed a crime yeah okay sometimes those are

[20:38] the same thing and so uh jk simmons threatens to uh release her sketchy past if he if she doesn't

[20:46] find the accountant for him sounds like the hero character yeah she lied about the about being a

[20:51] felon yeah on her form for a government job and that's a felony in and of itself so he says i'm

[20:56] gonna reveal the secrets unless you find out who this guy is who's doing all this accounting work

[21:01] for these evil organizations, for crime bosses and triads and terror groups.

[21:07] Because it wasn't enough motivation, just the fact that he's her boss

[21:11] and she needs to do her job, which is finding the accountant.

[21:14] There had to be another motivation.

[21:16] Well, Dan, we find out later that there is another motivation.

[21:20] But we'll get to that.

[21:21] We'll GTT get to that.

[21:24] Do you want to trademark that real quick?

[21:29] Okay, so that totally just feels like the motivation that makes no sense in the real world,

[21:36] but a screenwriter is like, I got it.

[21:38] I did it.

[21:39] The perfect motivation.

[21:41] Now, we find out that Ben Affleck is, he also has an English-accented,

[21:48] basically Joan Cusack in gross point blank, but we never see her.

[21:51] We're only here on the phone, and she looks out for him and arranges his jobs

[21:55] and is advising him always, like, don't go here.

[21:57] Go there.

[21:57] She sounds like a Siri.

[21:58] yeah yeah an english siri was she english it sounded english didn't it i don't mean it sounds

[22:04] like a robot of some yeah i mean the whole time i was like nationality second the whole time i was

[22:10] like wondering is this a computer or is this a real person yeah uh it turns out it's both in the

[22:15] end we'll get there and uh there were points when i thought the same thing about our friend ben

[22:19] affleck now ben affleck we know likes to go home at night he eats like all of us like all of us he

[22:26] goes home at night but this is where it gets weird he takes out his one plate okay and there's one

[22:31] set of silverware it's a waste of water and after dinner from 9 45 to 10 you know whether he's using

[22:37] a dishwasher i mean he could be individually washing those with the minimum amount of water

[22:41] needed to get them clean yeah he probably cleans it with fucking hot sand or something

[22:46] yeah which by the way sand is uh is as a resource is uh is going away guys really so call up anakin

[22:54] what are you talking about i heard somewhere that like the world's sand reserves are not

[22:59] infinite and that uh nothing is infinite in the world uh love good point it's the only thing where

[23:05] the more you give the more you get no kidding you can't run out of love so what do we need the sand

[23:10] for like sandpaper and sandals and we use less fucking beanbag chairs and shit too yeah yeah

[23:15] of course the beanbear chair beanbear chairs the beanbear chair industry doesn't exist so they

[23:22] don't have a problem the bean bears are like a series of books for kids trying to get them to

[23:28] eat beans it's little bears we swear pop them in your mouth who wouldn't want to eat a tiny bear

[23:34] uh now ben affleck we learned that one he has an airstream trailer full of priceless artwork

[23:43] and comic books and crazy dope ass guns but every day from 9 45 p.m to 10 p.m he sits in a room and

[23:51] sets a flashing light off and listens to some kind of hardcore new metal or something while

[23:56] he hits his role so like uh like some real abrasive industrial stuff well he takes a stick

[24:02] and rolls it along his leg like as stewart suggested he's making cookies out of his leg

[24:07] or hits his leg with it and remembers the bad times when he was going crazy his mom left the

[24:14] family and his dad decided to get a little too tough and took his dad took him and his brother

[24:20] to jakarta where he hired a man to teach them how to be ultimate fighters by beating them up a lot

[24:26] yep and that's the set that's all set up we need to know that ben affleck is now oh and also while

[24:32] he was in jail for a period we don't know why yet and learned for and learned how to be a black

[24:36] market accountant from uh why is his name escaping me from arrested development and transparent

[24:41] jeffrey tambor the man who invented the tambourine anyway he learns how to be an accountant from him

[24:48] and now

[24:49] he's the world's

[24:50] best criminal accountant

[24:51] he goes in

[24:52] and when the books

[24:53] are cooked

[24:53] he uncooks them

[24:54] sees what the problem is

[24:55] cooks them back up again

[24:56] cooks them back up

[24:56] delicious books

[24:57] maybe fries them up

[24:58] maybe makes a delicious

[25:00] gumbo stew

[25:01] maybe a lot of rue

[25:02] out of those books

[25:03] gumbo stew is this character

[25:04] I've been workshopping on

[25:05] what does he sound like stew?

[25:07] I guarantee

[25:08] okay so he sounds a lot like

[25:11] Leatherhead

[25:11] from the Ninja Turtles

[25:12] yeah

[25:13] how did he know

[25:14] I did the voice for Leatherhead?

[25:15] you did Leatherhead's voice?

[25:17] Why are people from New Orleans always guaranteeing things?

[25:21] You know, I think there, you know, I believe there was a time where people from New Orleans were kind of considered to be like scam artists.

[25:32] Oh, never mind.

[25:32] And so they had to like double guarantee things because people didn't believe them when they said it without a guarantee.

[25:39] Right.

[25:39] That makes sense.

[25:41] Does that make sense?

[25:42] Yeah.

[25:42] Okay.

[25:43] I buy that.

[25:44] You buy that?

[25:45] I think I read that.

[25:46] I got a whole swamp full of gators, I could say.

[25:50] Crawdads.

[25:50] A lot of priceless crawdads made out of diamonds and pearls.

[25:56] You know, I could make a lot of money myself, but I'm a busy man.

[26:00] And, you know, it used to belong to my mama, and I'm pretty sad now that she's sadly passed.

[26:05] And, Mom, shut up.

[26:06] I'm almost done.

[26:06] Okay, so you want to buy this thing?

[26:08] Here's the lease off my hands.

[26:10] I know it looks just like a Happy Meal box, but that's actually the lease to this swamp full of diamonds.

[26:14] You know.

[26:15] I guarantee it.

[26:16] Because I'm sick.

[26:17] That's a good vampire-less dad impression.

[26:19] Because I'm sick, Elliot's long, rambling impressions are sort of like fever dreams a little bit.

[26:26] Fever dream, George R. R. Martin's novel about vampires in New Orleans, hooray.

[26:31] Oh, full circle, just like Michael Palin.

[26:34] Anyway, so let's get back to the movie.

[26:36] So the feds are after Ben Affleck, but he doesn't know it.

[26:41] Ben Affleck gets hired for a new job.

[26:44] He's going to go to Chicago, and he's going to be hired by John Lithgow, who is the head of a robot company.

[26:50] Called Living Robotics.

[26:51] And here, I guess they're trying to make some sort of parallel between his kind of mechanical, computerish way of seeing the world and these robots.

[27:01] They're asking, what is human?

[27:02] But they don't really go very far with that, and John Lithgow might as well have owned a licorice company for as much as it matters.

[27:07] You're not going to tease me with the idea of living robots and then not show me Chee McBride with a stogie in his mouth blasting him with shotguns.

[27:17] Or is it Chai McBride?

[27:20] Chee, Chai?

[27:21] Chicago McBride.

[27:22] That's what I thought it was.

[27:23] Yeah.

[27:23] So he gets hired because there's something funny about the books at Living Robotics by John Lithgow and –

[27:33] And Gene Smart.

[27:33] And Gene Smart, who is John Lithgow's wife in it, and some other guy.

[27:37] Now, we've also been introduced in a scene that the movie makers

[27:41] might have thought was tougher and cooler than it was

[27:42] to this mysterious guy played by TV's The Punisher.

[27:46] Yeah, John Barenthal?

[27:47] Sounds like a name.

[27:49] He played a bad guy in Sicario.

[27:51] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[27:52] He's the guy who she recognizes because of the rubber bands he uses, right?

[27:55] Mm-hmm.

[27:55] And he beats up a guy for corporate reasons.

[28:00] He's some kind of mysterious, traveling, sophisticated thug.

[28:04] Yeah.

[28:05] Who, like, yeah, he has a gun, so it's implied that he kills people.

[28:10] And he will travel.

[28:11] He just beats up the first guy we see.

[28:13] In Zurich, of all places.

[28:16] Ugh, come on.

[28:17] Tell me about it.

[28:18] You can't spell Zurich without rich.

[28:20] All right, Zurich is a city.

[28:23] Uh-huh.

[28:23] Tell me more.

[28:24] Oh, wow.

[28:25] Tell me more, tell me more.

[28:27] Switzerland?

[28:27] Is it in Switzerland?

[28:29] Tell me more, tell me more.

[28:31] Is it in the French or German part?

[28:34] It's kind of...

[28:36] Italian part?

[28:37] Yeah.

[28:37] What's the major industry there, Dan?

[28:39] Nazi gold?

[28:42] Swedish fish.

[28:43] How would you describe...

[28:44] Wait, that doesn't make sense.

[28:45] No.

[28:45] How would you describe the Zurich theater scene?

[28:48] Thriving?

[28:50] Experimental, traditional, dance-based, struggling.

[28:55] I would call it erotic.

[28:57] Oh, okay.

[28:58] You want to see some of the Zurich erotic Swedish fish theater?

[29:03] This Mad Libs turned out pretty good.

[29:05] Yeah, I really started to think that I started a joke

[29:09] that I had no business being in.

[29:12] That's sort of a song, right?

[29:15] From what?

[29:16] I started, it was another time when I started a reference

[29:20] that I didn't really know the reference.

[29:21] Yeah, so what was that song?

[29:23] I started a joke that left the whole world crying

[29:27] or something like that.

[29:28] I don't know that song.

[29:29] Yeah.

[29:29] So cut back to Ben Affleck.

[29:32] Is that like a Ray Charles song?

[29:34] I can't look it up, but you're having too much fun pestering me about it.

[29:39] You know it, so let's get back to the movie.

[29:40] Ben Affleck has knuckled down and has hit the books,

[29:44] and he has cracked open these 15 years of books.

[29:49] Oh, with the help of the accountant who originally found the inconsistency in the books,

[29:55] one Anna Kendrick.

[29:57] Oh, great.

[29:57] I like Anna Kendrick.

[29:58] Oh, the BG is saying it.

[29:59] Sorry.

[30:02] That's part of the joke.

[30:04] The CBBGs?

[30:06] Yeah.

[30:06] Cow butt, guy butt.

[30:09] CBGB, the famous bar, cow butt, guy butt.

[30:15] They got two kinds of butts on offer.

[30:19] Hey, do you have lizard butts in here?

[30:21] Read the awning.

[30:22] Get out of here, you square.

[30:25] So Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick, they cracked the code.

[30:31] They in this hilarious montage with a music swell where you're supposed to be like, oh, a beautiful mind is as good as a beautiful heart where he writes shit all over the windows.

[30:42] And he's realizing that there's he's finding patterns in the numbers.

[30:45] He finds an inaccuracy with the numbers and he's like, hey, must be the money.

[30:49] That's the solution.

[30:53] I've been waiting to say that all day.

[30:55] You got up this morning.

[30:58] He woke up this morning and then wanted to say that.

[31:01] I was like, isn't it sad that Married with Children didn't last so long

[31:05] that they couldn't do a parody version of,

[31:07] hey, must be the Bunday.

[31:09] It is sad.

[31:11] That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.

[31:14] Really, Dan?

[31:16] Not to date when this show was done,

[31:17] but this news was full of way sadder things that happened.

[31:21] I didn't pay attention.

[31:22] That's true.

[31:23] You had to work sick today.

[31:24] Yeah.

[31:25] We walked in and Dan said he barfed all over the place.

[31:28] And we're like, okay, let's watch a shitty movie together.

[31:31] What the weird is, Dan goes, okay, I threw up today.

[31:35] I'm not feeling very well.

[31:36] So our choices are The Accountant or Hardcore Harry.

[31:38] Wait a minute, Dan.

[31:40] You already threw up once today.

[31:41] Are you going to watch a movie that's essentially a stuntman with a GoPro strapped to his forehead,

[31:45] jumping motorcycles out of burning airplanes?

[31:48] He's like, before we watch it, I want you to put me in this office chair and spin me around.

[31:52] Strap me into this thing I just bought.

[31:54] It's what they use at NASA to get astronauts used to high Gs.

[31:58] Swing me around in it a bunch of times.

[32:00] Look, I'm operating under the theory of the father from The Accountant

[32:04] where I need to learn how to deal with all these things.

[32:07] Now, the whole time I'm watching the movie,

[32:08] strap me into this old-timey exercise machine that's just a belt that jiggles me.

[32:12] My wife just got her picture taken.

[32:15] Here's some warm milk you can drink.

[32:18] Milk? What's that?

[32:19] What's milk?

[32:20] Is that like Melmac where Alf came from?

[32:23] Milk.

[32:24] oh milk the drink milk i was like what is this a new thing that's on the kids are drinking now

[32:31] is that some of the red bull in it yeah i yeah the three burials of milky otis estrada all right

[32:38] is that another way to refer to uh uh uh sorry i'm broke speaking of speaking of broke uh this

[32:50] company's gonna go broke if they can't figure out what's going on with the money it turns out

[32:54] somebody was stealing money and then plunging

[32:56] it back into the company and hiding it.

[32:58] They've got the

[33:00] suspects down to three.

[33:01] You just said suspects.

[33:04] I didn't like this movie.

[33:05] They've got the suspects down to one, really.

[33:08] And that's John Lithgow's best friend

[33:10] who's been with the company 15 years.

[33:12] Who, in a better world, would have been played

[33:14] by TV's Matt Frewer.

[33:15] But instead they got the second best.

[33:18] Some guy.

[33:19] Or Tom Noonan, I could see doing it.

[33:21] Either one of those guys.

[33:24] How come they've never done a show together?

[33:25] Matt Frewer and Tom Noonan?

[33:26] Yeah, I would see that in a heartbeat.

[33:28] That would have been great.

[33:29] Yeah.

[33:29] Neither of them should have to play an alien, though.

[33:31] No.

[33:32] This should be the time where they don't have to be aliens.

[33:34] No, somebody else has to be an alien.

[33:36] That's the name of the show.

[33:38] Somebody else is an alien.

[33:39] And it turns, but meanwhile, so he's discovered that,

[33:44] and Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick start, you know,

[33:47] Anna Kendrick's interested in talking about it.

[33:48] A little bit of light flirting.

[33:48] A little bit.

[33:49] It's hard for Anna Kendrick to flirt with Ben Affleck

[33:51] because he doesn't understand emotions the same way other people do.

[33:54] Although, for most of the movie, he's like just a normal dude,

[33:58] slightly nervant, like slightly shy, but not that weird.

[34:01] I mean, the thing is, he's just kind of a nerd.

[34:04] Aside from the 15 minutes a day that he spends hitting his leg with a stick

[34:09] while he listens to dissonant music,

[34:12] and then the other parts of the day where he reads super fast

[34:14] and puts patterns together, he's just kind of like a quiet nerd.

[34:17] Yeah, like if he snuck onto the set of TV's number one comedy,

[34:21] the Big Bang Theory

[34:22] right next to Sheldar

[34:23] and whatever the fuck

[34:24] their names are.

[34:25] And Ben Drake.

[34:25] Yep.

[34:26] Nobody would say anything.

[34:28] They'd be like,

[34:29] oh, cool.

[34:29] Yeah.

[34:30] Another bang for us to bang.

[34:32] And that's no theory.

[34:33] Is that how the show goes?

[34:35] I've only seen it a couple times.

[34:36] That's the whole dialogue.

[34:37] And they're like,

[34:37] Bazinga!

[34:38] Wow, you got that right

[34:40] on the first try, I think.

[34:40] Yeah.

[34:41] Well, I've told the story

[34:42] about how I was walking

[34:43] down the street

[34:43] and saw a t-shirt

[34:44] in a window

[34:45] of a New York souvenir shop

[34:46] that had Jim Parsons' face on it

[34:48] and it just said,

[34:49] Bazinga!

[34:49] And big letters underneath.

[34:50] And not being familiar with this catchphrase, for some reason I was enraged by this site.

[34:55] And I remember the first thought I had was, am I supposed to fucking know what that means?

[35:00] And it made me so mad that this shirt had a catchphrase I was not familiar with.

[35:04] You're like a sleeper agent who hears the word Croatoa in the Hunger Bullets comic and start murdering everybody.

[35:09] Yeah, just like the Charles Bronson movie Telephone.

[35:12] That was my activation signal.

[35:14] I've had a vision of you aging now.

[35:17] But every year goes by, there's going to be fewer and fewer things that you understand.

[35:21] Already, yeah.

[35:22] And if you're going to get enraged by every one of them.

[35:26] I was sitting on the couch.

[35:27] I can see that's the future for me, definitely, for sure.

[35:29] I was sitting on the couch today trying to build this piece of furniture my wife bought.

[35:33] No, I only do that in workshops that are specified.

[35:36] I was building this piece of furniture.

[35:38] What if someone had a home builder bear workshop in their garage?

[35:41] So lavish.

[35:42] Every child dreams of such a thing.

[35:44] Of course, this is my husband's workshop where he builds a bear.

[35:47] So I was building this thing and, you know, they were showing some, you know, various politicians talking about stuff.

[35:55] And the whole time I just kept swearing at the TV.

[35:57] I'm like, Charlene, this is a glimpse into the future of me getting older and just continuing to swear at politicians on television.

[36:06] Oh, I warn my wife probably.

[36:07] Sorry, my watch hit the table.

[36:09] That's what the I warn my wife probably once a week.

[36:13] Hey, I apologize.

[36:16] Hey, I'm going to age.

[36:17] You're like, I'm not getting any taller, baby.

[36:19] This is as much hair as I'm going to get.

[36:23] I say, hey, I'm sorry, but when I'm an old man, I'm going to be a handful.

[36:27] I'm going to be very angry all the time, constantly complaining,

[36:31] loud in public places, and you know what?

[36:34] I'm just going to fall asleep wherever I want.

[36:37] I already got that last one going on for me.

[36:39] At a restaurant, behind the wheel, like flying a plane.

[36:43] Maybe I'm, like, I'm just piloting an aircraft carrier.

[36:47] I'm just going to fall asleep.

[36:48] Just taking bets, Elliot.

[36:49] What do you think the over-under is of Dan passing away in a public space

[36:54] and people thinking he's asleep?

[36:55] I mean, what are we talking, park bench at a farmer's market?

[37:02] Yeah, something like that.

[37:03] Probably something like that, yeah, yeah.

[37:05] But it'll be peaceful.

[37:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[37:07] Or like a booth at a Friendly's with a half-eaten sundae.

[37:10] Here's...

[37:11] Yeah, because I eat a lot of sundaes.

[37:14] You don't know what your life is going to look like.

[37:17] When I walked in today, you said, hey, it must be the sundae.

[37:20] And then you put ice cream in front of me.

[37:22] Also, Dan, you got a lot of life to live.

[37:24] How do you know you won't get a sweet tooth for sundaes at some point?

[37:27] I got a lot of living to do.

[37:28] You know what's weird is how angry I get at that one commercial with, I think it's for life insurance or some shit.

[37:35] But there's this lady on there and she's like, I'm only 60 years old.

[37:39] I got a life to live.

[37:41] big plans and i'm like lady come on stop showing off in front of me

[37:45] like for some reason her tone is like get the fuck out of here stop bragging about your plans

[37:52] she's just like the silence she's got a plans

[37:56] okay no that's a great battlestar galactica reference thanks yeah the accountant so anyway

[38:03] he gets hired by this job and this mysterious other guy uh goes and tell in the middle of

[38:09] night he visits john lithgow's best friend the cfo of the company and he says hey look here's the

[38:14] deal you're either gonna deliberately overdose on insulin or i'm gonna have to kill you and your

[38:19] wife and destroy your house maybe the rest of your family so go ahead and do it and it's at this point

[38:23] that we're like movie when are you just gonna reveal that this guy is ben affleck's brother

[38:28] when are you gonna reveal it because we know it's his brother there's no other character this guy

[38:33] could be and you've given us no reason to give a shit about him unless he turns out to be someone

[38:37] important and there's no reason to put a younger brother in every single scene of uh young ben

[38:44] affleck also why'd you hire casey affleck if you didn't want us to know ahead of time it's his

[38:48] brother wouldn't it have been great just kidding it's not casey affleck but yeah it's like we know

[38:53] you made a big point of how he has a younger brother in the flashback was probably too busy

[38:57] doing all kinds of shady shit with joaquin phoenix right probably that's all they know i thought you

[39:01] were gonna say shady shit with women i mean that's was implied by what i just said okay that's why i

[39:07] I winked at you a shitload.

[39:08] What kind of shady shit do you think Joaquin Phoenix is up to?

[39:11] Robbing the Bank of England?

[39:13] Come on.

[39:13] I thought you were making some sort of reference to the documentary.

[39:18] Performing intellectual property theft?

[39:19] That's when his alleged woman attack happened.

[39:22] Really?

[39:23] When they're making that documentary.

[39:24] Oh.

[39:25] Well.

[39:26] Sounds like someone is not up on his Hollywood crimes.

[39:28] He needs to watch Elliot Kalin's Hollywood crimes on E!

[39:32] Yeah, he dresses kind of like McGruff the Crime Dog.

[39:36] and i say hey take a bite out of fame here's the thing with mcgruff the crime dog everybody

[39:41] here's something i've been wondering for years so mcgruff was for kids right there's no reason

[39:46] to tell adults with an animated dog about crime and he would say mcgruff would be like hey kids

[39:51] take a bite out of crime and even as a kid i was like how do i actualize that am i supposed to be

[39:57] patrolling the streets is it up to me should i apply to the police academy right now to their

[40:02] junior division?

[40:03] You should orphan yourself

[40:05] and then train for years

[40:08] and be a billionaire.

[40:08] Go to the far Tibet

[40:10] and become a ninja.

[40:11] Come back,

[40:12] build a crime computer.

[40:14] Well, McGruff,

[40:15] I fashioned a shiv

[40:16] out of this bar of soap.

[40:17] Yeah.

[40:18] Hope I don't have to fight,

[40:19] what, Hydro Hound

[40:20] or whoever Darkwing Duck

[40:21] fights that turns into water.

[40:23] What's that electricity guy?

[40:25] The one that's the mouse?

[40:27] Megavolt?

[40:27] I don't know,

[40:28] he's awesome though.

[40:28] Basically,

[40:30] the entire Darkwing Duck

[40:31] rogues gallery

[40:32] is my favorite thing in the world.

[40:33] It always baffled me how I was, as a kid,

[40:38] I was supposed to be taking a bite out of crime.

[40:39] Because I'll tell you what I was taking a bite out of,

[40:41] Cheerios.

[40:42] Regular Cheerios?

[40:44] Yeah, I don't like the honey nut kind.

[40:46] So that makes one's breath smell the worst

[40:49] out of any food that exists.

[40:51] Have your pee ever smelled like Cheerios?

[40:53] What?

[40:55] Yeah, when I have a Cheerio shake.

[40:56] There have been a couple times when I've peed

[40:58] and I'm just like, this smells exactly like Cheerios.

[41:01] Were you eating Cheerios?

[41:01] Is that why you were down on your knees smelling the toilet before?

[41:05] That's right.

[41:05] I mean, I don't know.

[41:08] Not that I know.

[41:10] I mean, I feel like.

[41:11] Listeners, try it in.

[41:12] Wait, are you talking about like.

[41:14] Tell us what your pee smells like.

[41:15] Address your letters.

[41:17] Cheerio pee smell.

[41:19] Dan McCoy, care of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.

[41:22] 604 West 52nd Street.

[41:25] So are you are you saying that like your your pee smells the same as Cheerios fresh out of the box or after somebody's been like chomping on them for a little bit?

[41:34] No, just like some Cheerios and milk.

[41:37] Man, that shit's so gross smelling.

[41:40] I used to I sat next to somebody in high school.

[41:45] Yeah, in high school.

[41:47] They didn't give me that much of like I was a little bit of a pig pen.

[41:51] so there's a couple seats usually buffer.

[41:54] To make room for your dust and dirt cloud.

[41:56] Yeah, as I was sketching role-playing notes furiously in my notepad.

[42:01] But there was a girl who kept eating Cheerios, dry Cheerios,

[42:05] and it was the worst-smelling thing in the world.

[42:07] And I'm a pig, Ben.

[42:10] I think we found the source of your Cheerios.

[42:13] It's my secret crush on the Cheerio girl.

[42:18] When she said no, she exhaled and all that Cheerios smell came out.

[42:22] So now Cheerios smell like rejection to you.

[42:24] That's actually not that far off.

[42:28] So anyway, Ben Affleck.

[42:30] Yeah.

[42:31] In the movie.

[42:31] So he's doing this job.

[42:34] He gets a rejection in the form of assassins.

[42:38] But well, John Lithgow's friend gets killed and he says,

[42:42] my friend took his life because of something you uncovered.

[42:45] I don't need to know anymore.

[42:46] Just go.

[42:47] Just leave.

[42:48] But that's not the end of it because then assassins show up.

[42:51] And these assassins, one of them is a huge bald guy with the craziest beard mustache combo.

[42:57] He looks like that guy from Street Fighter 4 who pours oil on himself and wrestles people.

[43:03] It's like if you were an assassin, and assassins in real life are dumb.

[43:09] They're usually very dumb.

[43:11] They're not Carlos the Jackal like in Day of the Jackal.

[43:14] Yeah, you did a PowerPoint about this.

[43:16] I did a PowerPoint about this at a live show.

[43:18] assassin hitmen and assassins are mostly pathetic losers uh and i'll maybe at some point i'll go

[43:25] again into my story about the hitman that was involved in my family once that who was a loser

[43:29] but anyway but this guy if you want to be a hitman you think you'd want to be like escape into a

[43:34] crowd this is maybe the most you want to be like a toby mcguire type yeah exactly yeah this is the

[43:39] most easily identifiable person in the world i think the only way he could be a less like

[43:46] professional hitman is if he literally had bullseyes bullseye tattooed on his forehead

[43:50] like in the daredevil movie but then if he had that tattoo dan he'd have to kill somebody with

[43:56] what like a corn nut what do you yeah he has like a peanut or a corn nut that he tosses in

[43:59] their throat and chokes them which any of us and if you use a peanut why aren't you getting the

[44:04] branding money from using a corn nut now in the they got a ton of cash in the daredevil movie

[44:09] because i don't remember the movie as well as i remember reading the screenplay before the movie

[44:12] came out is there was a scene did you read it on ain't it cool news uh i was working at the new

[44:17] jersey television and film commission we had a lot of screenplays in the library and uh was there a

[44:23] scene there was a scene the screenplay where he's at a horse race and he breaks the stem off a

[44:27] champagne glass and then hurls it through the air and it sticks in the neck of one of the jockeys

[44:32] and kills him so that bullseye's horse wins the race was that in the movie because it's one of

[44:36] those things where it's like you'd think someone would have investigated where that champagne glass

[44:40] stem would have come from to kill that jockey

[44:42] like it's not like he could just go up to his winnings

[44:44] window. All his winnings would be

[44:46] invalid. Do you remember

[44:48] the Daredevil movie Dan? No I don't

[44:50] I never actually saw it

[44:51] Okay well Ben Affleck was listening to this

[44:54] because he googled the account

[44:55] is going to be very disappointed. Yeah Ben Affleck

[44:58] write in tell us what actually happened

[44:59] He's loved us up until this point

[45:01] Oh he thought it was a hilarious show. He's like they're really

[45:04] getting all those goofs. Luckily they'll never touch

[45:06] me. The Flexster

[45:07] Keep calling me the Beantown Batboy

[45:09] that's me the bean town bat boy anyway uh uh oh yes these assassins he thought it was hilarious

[45:18] when we were talking about his brother casey that was his favorite part yeah hey casey at the bat

[45:23] and the batman is affleck yeah so it's it's about casey affleck at a batman movie and he's like hey

[45:32] that's my brother wow guys we're doing a real tour of our best of reel here yeah so anyway

[45:38] there are these assassins hit meanwhile

[45:40] there's a subplot the movie

[45:42] keeps forgetting which is Medina

[45:44] trying to track down who this accountant character is

[45:46] she manages to track

[45:48] him and finds out that she finds

[45:50] she has been shown a bunch of pictures of the

[45:52] back of his head so she takes

[45:54] a screen capture and she sends

[45:56] it to her tech buddy and is like

[45:58] at home security I think she's like

[46:00] I need face capture

[46:02] whatever now

[46:04] and they never say to her oh there's

[46:06] no face in this picture they say yeah we should be able to reconstruct his face from the back of

[46:11] his head maybe they can do that it's like an enemy of the state when will smith is on camera holding

[46:16] a gift bag and they go hold on rotate the bag and the video image of the bag turns around so they

[46:22] can see what's in the other side and it's like wait a minute cameras can't do that welcome to

[46:26] 1984 dude oh man i didn't even realize so she realized her friends find some video that was

[46:33] captured of this same person ben affleck killing a bunch of people in a hit on some mobsters because

[46:39] he's a super assassin oh but i forgot one thing we forgot to mention that he keeps changing his

[46:44] name as he moves around he has different aliases yep and they're all except for christian wolf i

[46:48] guess they're all the names of famous mathematicians so he's known as lou carroll and uh what was the

[46:54] other one it was with charles gatt gals carl gauss and it takes her forever to be together

[47:01] Let's look up Lou Carroll, and she's like, hmm, maybe not that.

[47:05] Let's look up Lewis Carroll, and it's like, do you mean Lewis Carroll?

[47:09] She's like, okay, and then she's like, wait, he wrote Alice in Wonderland.

[47:13] Let's click on that.

[47:14] What's Alice in Wonderland?

[47:16] This seems like a charming and endearing work of logic and illogic.

[47:19] I'll read it right now.

[47:20] As much as I love.

[47:21] So Alice had been lying on the grass bored.

[47:23] Her sister was reading a book with no pictures or conversations,

[47:27] and she figured what was the point of a book without pictures or conversations?

[47:30] So it's no wonder that when a white rabbit ran by, she didn't seem to see anything strange about it.

[47:35] Even when the white rabbit took out his pocket watch and was wearing a vest, didn't seem to have anything weird about it then.

[47:41] So I'll read this in my off hours, I suppose.

[47:44] Even though this is technically work research.

[47:46] This is very, very close to the beginning of Alice in Wonderland.

[47:49] I've read it many times.

[47:50] It was pretty far off.

[47:52] You guys know me.

[47:53] If there's one thing I love about a movie, it's when the movie is like, hey, you're an idiot.

[47:58] Let me hold your hand through all this shit.

[48:00] This movie thinks the audience is so stupid.

[48:03] Starting with number one stupid, which is the concept of,

[48:06] hey, you know how some people who are autistic or on that spectrum are very good with numbers?

[48:12] What if it made them super assassin supercomputer fighter men?

[48:16] Also, hey, here's another stupid thing.

[48:18] We're going to introduce a younger brother and then have this other guy in the movie,

[48:21] but we don't expect you to put two and two together.

[48:23] This guy's the brother.

[48:24] Hey, number three, have you ever heard of Lewis Carroll?

[48:27] Don't worry if you haven't.

[48:28] we're gonna give you all that we're gonna give you the spark notes on this guy just in case you

[48:31] need it it's like uh they and she looks this up again later in the movie too when she realizes

[48:38] that this guy might there's a voice recording of him uh because he killed a mobster who's wearing

[48:43] a wire and the voice recording reveals i guess some spectrum behavior so she looks up again

[48:50] to see if lewis carroll had asperger's the website she finds diagnoses him with this

[48:54] which is highly unethical to diagnose someone who was not officially observed and has been

[49:00] all the paintings of him he's not making eye contact every photograph his eyes are turned

[49:06] away so he must have it uh anyway long story short these assassins are trying to track down

[49:12] ben affleck and anna kendrick and he's got he saves her life from some fake delivery men who

[49:17] turn out to be real un-livery men as in they want her to be unalive and not living anymore

[49:23] they're killers but he kills them first ben affleck is very uh he's particular to head shots

[49:29] in this movie yeah it's a john wick type thing he's always shooting people in the head and i

[49:32] have to admit the gun effects and everything are fine they're well done whoever's squibbing people

[49:38] good work top the like the action scenes are i guess i want to say a little understated like

[49:46] they're not super flashy that's true uh i give that both a thumbs up and a thumbs down a thumbs

[49:52] down because they're not very exciting to watch thumbs up because uh violence isn't a good thing

[49:58] like not every action scene in a movie has to be raid the redemption or oh but if it were

[50:06] mama mia or like triple x like i'm glad that ben f like at no point even though it's hard for me

[50:12] to believe that he's a super fighter at least he's not like riding a motorcycle through a window or

[50:16] something like that or jumping out of a helicopter at any point uh he picks up anna kendrick takes

[50:21] to a fancy hotel that has nice towels,

[50:23] he mentions, and

[50:25] they start getting a little bit closer, and they tell

[50:27] stories about their past.

[50:28] She sees his

[50:31] Airstream trailer full of

[50:33] priceless art. An original Jackson

[50:35] Pollock.

[50:36] Not Kevin Pollock. An original Jackson Public.

[50:39] No.

[50:40] It's an original drawing of Dr. Monarch

[50:43] by Jackson Public.

[50:44] I mean, that'd be worth a lot.

[50:47] I'd buy it. Yeah, for sure.

[50:49] I'd buy that for a dollar.

[50:51] He's also, if somebody's selling it for a dollar, then yeah, you should buy it.

[50:55] Yeah, it's a total steal.

[50:56] And she also sees his collection of guns.

[51:00] She is, you know, I think it says a lot about her character that after she sees him kill a guy and shoot him in the head afterwards,

[51:08] instead of being terrified by him, you know, she's a little, she's drawn to him.

[51:12] You know, it's like Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas.

[51:15] I gotta admit, I was a little turned on.

[51:19] And Lorraine Bracco in Sopranos, right?

[51:22] What's your deal, Lorraine Bracco?

[51:25] Bracco?

[51:26] Bracco?

[51:28] It's me, Lorraine Bracco.

[51:30] You know, when I was filming The Sopranos,

[51:35] I found that we were glamorizing monsters,

[51:41] even though that's what it seemed like we were at times.

[51:44] we were showing the darker side of things americans take for granted some of the people

[51:51] don't take for granted enough dune by frank herbert perhaps the greatest science fiction epic

[51:58] ever written the story of young paul atreides as he attempts to become the cosats hadrak

[52:06] on the spice planet of arrakis is truly one for the ages this is tom brokaw signing off

[52:13] i'm loving it it was weird it was weird that for like the decades that he uh did that show

[52:22] he was signed every show off with a description of the the book dune yeah he loved it it was

[52:27] strange yeah right it was like that's the news for today and remember pierre is the mind killer

[52:32] i'm tom brokaw and they just leave and remember my name has become a killing word

[52:38] i occasionally while i'm reporting stories have images of a jihad sweeping the universe

[52:47] my own name being screamed as a battle cry my banners flying through unspeakable carnage

[52:54] here is a little death within us all i'm tom brokaw

[52:58] uh so anyway they're on the run together and this is kind of when anna kendrick

[53:06] leaves the movie for the most part and we get back into we get a scene where uh ben have like

[53:12] leaves her asleep on my couch in a hotel room and he's slowly closing the door and like watching her

[53:20] and i'm so assuming he's gonna pinch his own eyeball because he's doing it slow like he's

[53:26] doing it so slowly he's doing it like four times slower than the end of the godfather

[53:30] and she really wanted to see what was going on there yeah oh boy that's what the director said

[53:37] he's like he's like uh ben i want you to close it slowly give me uh four times gf that's and that's

[53:43] directing code for how fast or slow you close the door standard yeah yeah uh so meanwhile he goes to

[53:49] he goes to talk to john lithgow's wife she's been murdered she's got the round hole in the middle of

[53:54] her forehead that denotes a killing headshot yeah gene smart ain't smart no more because her brain's

[53:59] been destroyed by a bullet i was just thinking about if she actually got shot in real life how

[54:07] terrible nobody is saying terrible some mob boss must have asked said to get smart because smart

[54:15] got got talented actress jean smart was found dead today of a single shot to the head ben affleck was

[54:21] on the scene yep they say star of many programs on fx died of something that was no special fx

[54:28] actual bullets uh characters may be welcome at usa but bullets were welcome in the brain of

[54:36] one unlucky actress former designing women did not see the design for her own life as she

[54:43] it was brutally gunned down yeah sure oh terrible anyway so meanwhile the movie's like hey

[54:52] are you tired of ben affleck i think you are so let's check in on jk simmons the head of the

[54:58] treasury and medina and see what's going on with them and they go down to the house where they have

[55:03] they they track down christian wolf they track down to christian wolf's house they've realized

[55:08] that he they found his network of money laundering laundering money through a shitload of businesses

[55:13] that are all in a little strip mall and then he gives the money to charity of some kind now uh

[55:20] jk simmons proceeds to tell a tale about how okay strap in because this is like a series of like

[55:27] 20 flashbacks in a row.

[55:29] It's like the movie was like,

[55:30] well, if you can't think of a graceful way

[55:33] to give out exposition,

[55:34] then make the audience really slog through it.

[55:36] So let's start swimming through molasses on this one.

[55:39] Like, if you're gonna get, like,

[55:40] I mean, I'll hand it to the movie.

[55:42] If you're gonna have somebody deliver it,

[55:44] like, J.K. Simmons, not a bad idea.

[55:46] Oh, no, that's true.

[55:47] So he talks about how Jeffrey Tambor was in jail

[55:51] for his protection

[55:54] because he had testified against a mob boss.

[55:57] while in jail, Jeffrey Tambor got to know Ben Affleck. But J.K. Simmons, when he was a young

[56:03] treasury agent, didn't listen to Jeffrey Tambor's scoop, and Tambor was tortured and killed. So when

[56:08] Ben Affleck got out of jail for a crime we don't know what it was yet, he tracked down the mobster

[56:13] who did it and killed him. J.K. Simmons was on the scene at the time, failed to stop it, and was

[56:19] crying and very upset. And Ben Affleck almost killed him before asking him, are you a good dad?

[56:25] And he goes, yes, I'm a weak man and a bad agent, but I am a good dad.

[56:28] I didn't screw that up.

[56:29] Ben Affleck leaves him alive.

[56:30] Over the years, Ben Affleck becomes this mysterious voice of information for this agent Simmons,

[56:38] giving him tips on crimes that are being committed that he's learned through his own nefarious activities.

[56:44] These tips make him a star agent, and he becomes the director of the Bureau.

[56:48] Bum, bum, bum.

[56:50] It turns out that much like in the Unknown Soldier miniseries from Vertigo,

[56:54] that Garth Ennis wrote in the 90s.

[56:56] This whole thing has been a test for Medina

[56:58] to see if she can become the new agent

[57:01] who's in touch with Ben Affleck's character

[57:03] and get the scoops and the leads

[57:05] to stop these criminals.

[57:06] And she's like, he's a murderer.

[57:07] And he's like, yeah, well, but he does,

[57:09] he's helped us with all this other stuff.

[57:11] It's exhausting.

[57:12] Meanwhile, why was Ben Affleck in jail?

[57:16] Okay, thank you.

[57:17] Yes, because here's the second,

[57:18] just when you're done with that set of flashbacks,

[57:20] oh, meh, meh, really?

[57:21] The next set of flashbacks,

[57:23] They seem to be about an hour early, but okay, bring them in, I suppose.

[57:26] So Medina's like, but wait, soldier number one or whatever the fuck they called him?

[57:31] Well, why was Ben Affleck in jail?

[57:32] Because Ben Affleck and his dad, the colonel, the military man who taught him how to be a super tough fighter in Jakarta,

[57:39] it seems the two of them, and Ben Affleck was in a uniform and was just referred to as soldier number one,

[57:43] they went to Ben Affleck's mom's funeral.

[57:46] The mom had since remarried and had two younger kids.

[57:48] How dare she?

[57:49] Yeah.

[57:52] How dare she leave the man who makes his two children fight a grown man to get tougher?

[57:58] The tussle started out of an argument, and Ben Affleck's dad was killed by cops approaching the scene or something, and Ben Affleck ended up in jail, in a very weird jail where they don't have bars on the cells.

[58:11] They're just kind of cell cubicles.

[58:13] I guess in Orange is the New Black they're like that, too.

[58:15] I'll also say that nothing up until this point leads me to believe that Ben Affleck would lose a fight against a bunch of guys at a funeral.

[58:23] I mean, there were a lot of them.

[58:24] Yeah.

[58:25] Good point.

[58:27] Good point.

[58:28] Since up to this point, he's been able to kill 10 to 12 people at a time.

[58:32] Here's something I didn't understand.

[58:33] With nary a scratch.

[58:34] Yes.

[58:35] Ben Affleck is a soldier and he was in jail.

[58:38] Like, shouldn't there be tons of records about this guy?

[58:42] I think the implication was that he was not really a soldier.

[58:45] He showed up in a false uniform as part of his dad's entourage, I guess.

[58:50] I don't really know.

[58:51] I don't remember that stuff.

[58:53] But even if there were tons of records,

[58:54] they would have no reason for matching these pictures

[58:59] at the back of an evil accountant's head

[59:01] with all-known photographs of soldiers.

[59:04] Soldier number one, yeah.

[59:05] And his dad's this traveling big boss character

[59:08] who's creating super soldiers.

[59:10] But apparently J.K. Simmons knows all this shit

[59:13] about who he's been looking for this whole time.

[59:16] Yeah, because it was all a test for Medina.

[59:18] If she could figure it out...

[59:20] I mean, he's not actually looking for him.

[59:22] He's just trying to give her a sense of scale

[59:25] of what they're involved with.

[59:28] Yes, and see if she is worthy enough.

[59:30] If she can connect the dotes.

[59:32] Because maresy dotes and dozy dotes...

[59:36] What do little lambs eat, though?

[59:40] Copies of Poison Ivy, the new seduction?

[59:43] why don't we shorten

[59:46] that down though

[59:47] the movie that introduced

[59:47] Jamie Presley's butt

[59:48] to the world

[59:49] oh yeah

[59:50] just Ivy

[59:51] I guess we could

[59:51] we could say Ivy

[59:52] because when you say Ivy

[59:53] people know you mean

[59:54] Poison Ivy 2

[59:56] it's like the three

[59:58] the new seduction

[59:58] okay which one's

[1:00:00] Poison Ivy 2 is the one

[1:00:00] with Alyssa Milano

[1:00:01] yeah okay

[1:00:02] it's called what

[1:00:03] The Awakening

[1:00:03] or something like that

[1:00:04] I don't know

[1:00:05] that sounds right

[1:00:06] and the first one

[1:00:06] of course

[1:00:07] Drew Barrymore

[1:00:08] yeah

[1:00:08] who drew Barrymore

[1:00:10] three Ivys

[1:00:11] what artist

[1:00:12] Three ivies and a fountain

[1:00:14] When are they going to do that poison ivy on stage reunion

[1:00:17] That we've all been clamoring for

[1:00:18] What do you mean

[1:00:21] Like the Paley Center or something

[1:00:23] Yeah yeah exactly

[1:00:24] The museum of TV and radio

[1:00:27] And they're like these are films

[1:00:28] I don't know why we're doing it here

[1:00:29] Anyway

[1:00:33] It all leads up to

[1:00:34] Poison ivy alive in three acts

[1:00:36] It all leads up to a big shoot em up

[1:00:39] Ben Affleck finally puts two and two together

[1:00:42] because nobody else works at this robot company who's alive than john lithgow that john lithgow

[1:00:47] must be behind it much like crazy eddie in an anecdote he tells he has been stealing from his

[1:00:52] own company in order to bring it back to make the profits look big to inflate the stock price when

[1:00:57] it goes public everything is about when companies go public that's what i've learned from movie

[1:01:01] thrillers and so he goes to john lithgow's house where he's being defended by an army of mercs

[1:01:06] including this mysterious Punisher guy who we all know by now,

[1:01:11] even though the movie hasn't yet told us.

[1:01:13] Who is delivering, who's serving up sass in spades?

[1:01:16] Oh, David Spades.

[1:01:18] Wow.

[1:01:19] Hot, steaming David Spades of sass,

[1:01:21] because no one's sassier than David Spade.

[1:01:23] And so there's a big shootout action fight.

[1:01:26] Making copies, right?

[1:01:28] No, no, that's a different guy.

[1:01:30] Try again.

[1:01:31] What was his catchphrase?

[1:01:32] Opera man.

[1:01:34] No, no, different performer.

[1:01:36] what was david spade's catchphrase joe dirt okay there was a movie he was in

[1:01:40] not really a catchphrase but i'll allow it that's not his catchphrase he's not like riding a dirt

[1:01:46] bike no no and he's like i'm riding a me bike nope uh so he gets into a fight he kills a lot

[1:01:54] of guys he gets into a fight with his brother and it's we learn it's his brother because their dad

[1:01:58] trained them so well all they had to take these skills of fighting sure john lithgow walks out

[1:02:03] after watching all this on monitors in his safe room office,

[1:02:07] his home office, and is like,

[1:02:08] you moron, I was going to be able to do so much with those billion dollars.

[1:02:12] And then Affleck responds somewhat wittily by shooting him in the head.

[1:02:16] Yeah, it was the most hilariously dismissive dispatching of a major villain.

[1:02:21] Not since Indiana Jones shot that swordsman in the market.

[1:02:24] It's like, imagine that swordsman shows up and instead delivers a speech

[1:02:27] about how he is providing more to the human race

[1:02:31] than the people he is killing and then he gets shot in the head yeah uh ben affleck leaves and

[1:02:38] packs up his life he sends uh packs up his troubles and his old kit bag yeah anna kendrick he gets he

[1:02:45] sends her the original jackson paul he had cleverly disguised as a dog's playing poker painting

[1:02:50] which is from a reference to something earlier in the movie uh and what else and at this point

[1:02:57] we're like fuck at least the movie's done but then it keeps going we learn that you remember

[1:03:02] that place that he was taken to as a kid that his dad refused to let him into where maybe he would

[1:03:06] have had a better upbringing for his difficulties that is now an enormous mohawk mountain house

[1:03:13] style mansion that is full of kids and parent and the guy who runs it you can tell if time has passed

[1:03:18] because he has a beard now and the these parents are talking about their kids da da da and their

[1:03:24] kid wanders into a bedroom where there's a grown woman who's having issues turns out she's the

[1:03:29] daughter of the guy who who runs the place he's like that's why i started this program and she's

[1:03:34] the same uh she was a young girl at the beginning of the movie who gave ben affleck the missing

[1:03:38] puzzle piece and we find out that using a text-to-speech program on her computer

[1:03:43] she is the character who works for ben affleck and arranges his stuff and takes care of she's

[1:03:48] the world's greatest hacker too oh yeah and she has calm down i know you assume the world's

[1:03:52] greatest hacker is played by neil breen in this case this movie postulates that that is not the

[1:03:57] case now i thought the world's greatest hacker was hugh jackman drinking wine and spinning around in

[1:04:01] a chair and going uh yes yes yes yes yes and then tapping a bunch of keys and getting into i don't

[1:04:07] know you're talking about uh aka swordfish yeah you know it look this clip up on youtube if you're

[1:04:12] not familiar with it look if you haven't seen this scene look up hugh jackman swordfish hacking scene

[1:04:17] it is hilarious it is the second funniest hacking related scene in recorded media history is it

[1:04:25] after the csi one after it's i think it's ncis ncis or maybe it is no it is ncis is it after

[1:04:32] the ncis scene where this woman can't keep can't keep up with the hacker who's getting into their

[1:04:36] system so someone else says here let me help and they're both typing on the same keyboard as if

[1:04:41] that would make the computer move faster and then the other guy the head of the ncis walks in and

[1:04:47] he solves the problem by unplugging their computer it's amazing it is which i guess

[1:04:51] keeps their their cloud accounts from getting activated yeah it chops the hackers wiener

[1:04:56] what what they don't say in that clip is that all the internet is run from that one office

[1:05:03] that's the home office somewhere the lawnmower man is making that crazy angry face he makes

[1:05:08] at the end of the movie so now's the time where we do our final judgment

[1:05:12] and ben affleck drives off into the distance okay and now is the time yep final judgments on this

[1:05:21] movie whether it was a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie you kind of liked stewart what do

[1:05:25] you have to say uh i am gonna say this is a bad bad movie um i guess if you really like what like

[1:05:32] this is a movie that is it feels like such a bundle of cliches this is a movie that is directed

[1:05:40] by the guy who directed a movie that i really like a lot uh warrior just a good movie which is also a

[1:05:46] movie about brothers who have a difficult father and brothers that come you know and become great

[1:05:51] fighters but the this movie is such a weird story and it has such a weird approach toward using

[1:05:58] violence and like the idea of like a bullshit vigilante justice idea like it's so much trash

[1:06:05] tag me in tag me in yeah ellie get in there okay because i just want to say before i forget so i'm

[1:06:09] gonna get this bad bad too this movie takes itself so seriously it's that fucking montage where he's

[1:06:15] doing math and you're like what do you think you're doing movie this is an action movie and

[1:06:19] at the end it's set to this mod this song as everything the ends are time that's like so so

[1:06:25] serious and it's like did you think you were making like kramer versus kramer because even

[1:06:31] that had jokes in it like even that's it like are you making schindler's list is that why you're

[1:06:35] taking this autistic hitman movie so seriously and like ben affleck's performance like you

[1:06:41] pointed this out elliot what how did you describe what do you describe ben affleck as uh this is a

[1:06:46] little derogatory if it is i think what it's i described it as a very a man who's clearly very

[1:06:51] smart who seems incapable of portraying intelligence on screen like he always seems like kind of a kind

[1:06:57] of a lug on screen even though in person i know he's an intelligent person yeah he's clear he's

[1:07:02] gotta be a smart guy yeah but for whatever reason like for instance in this movie there are his like

[1:07:09] his ability to interact with humans fluctuates so much where there's some scenes where he's like

[1:07:15] why are you doing that i'm ben affleck what is love i'm a robot yeah and then there's other

[1:07:20] scenes where he's just like i'm just old me ben from the block and there's that there's he has

[1:07:26] this he has a the feeling of a movie where well you know what this is the worst way to put it i

[1:07:31] guess but in this movie he has he's doing his he's doing the worst way is have you ever seen a porn

[1:07:37] video sure yeah a jacked up porn star puts on glasses and a suit and he's supposed to be like

[1:07:45] an accountant yep or like somebody who were like a mild-mannered teacher or something that's kind

[1:07:50] of what it feels like at times it has that feeling of like a football player who puts glasses on to

[1:07:54] look a little smarter you there was a point where we were introduced to like an older heavy set

[1:08:00] balding man yeah nerd accountant he looked like a real like an account and there was a point where

[1:08:07] we're like wouldn't it be way better if that guy was the accountant yeah it's either that or make

[1:08:12] jason statham the accountant because that'd be hilarious if this was a crazy movie that would

[1:08:17] be a different story but it's a movie that takes itself very seriously like if it's fucking scott

[1:08:22] adkins and he puts on those glasses and then just beats the shit out of the whole world

[1:08:26] yeah i this is a bad bad movie i i want to say uh for this podcast that i apologize if we have

[1:08:36] said anything ignorant or insensitive about autism accidentally but this movie i believe is ignorant

[1:08:42] and insensitive about autism oh i think it certainly is and the the way it treats it as

[1:08:47] this as we say this superpower uh it's it's it's a macguffin it's like to say that is not to say

[1:08:54] is not to imply on our part that

[1:08:55] people who are on that spectrum

[1:08:57] don't have talents and skills

[1:09:00] that, like, they're human beings.

[1:09:01] No, of course.

[1:09:02] Of course they have talents and skills.

[1:09:03] No, but they're using it as a plot device.

[1:09:06] Much as the same way that

[1:09:07] A Beautiful Mind I found offensive

[1:09:10] because it implied that

[1:09:11] genius and schizophrenia

[1:09:13] are tied together and

[1:09:15] the same way, like,

[1:09:17] anytime you see anything where someone is

[1:09:19] depressed or unhappy

[1:09:20] and they cheer up and they lose their creativity

[1:09:23] or something like that,

[1:09:24] The idea that you can't be a certain level of intelligence unless you are separated from the world or unable to operate as a normal human being seems insulting both to people who have trouble operating in the world and also people who are intelligent and do not have that trouble.

[1:09:42] It's positing kind of like here's the intended audience for this movie.

[1:09:48] It's people who can't put two and two together that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland and are like, well, if this guy can do all that stuff in numbers, I can't do that.

[1:09:56] But at least I can go through my life talking to people and I have a relationship because if you're that smart, you must be kind of fucked up when you're dealing with other people.

[1:10:04] And that makes me feel fine.

[1:10:05] Oh, interesting.

[1:10:06] I might be extrapolating too much.

[1:10:07] I might be getting too angry about it.

[1:10:09] You know, I think the biggest thing is just the idea of, like, having this character be this, like, arbitrator of all justice and, like, just murdering people.

[1:10:19] Like, this guy's a fucking stain on the world.

[1:10:23] Because of what he does, not because of who he is.

[1:10:27] Of course not.

[1:10:27] That's crazy.

[1:10:28] No, but because of his actions.

[1:10:28] I'm Hal Lublin.

[1:10:36] I'm Danielle Radford.

[1:10:37] I am Michael Eagle.

[1:10:38] And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fun's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling.

[1:10:43] We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks' wigs.

[1:10:49] And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion.

[1:10:52] Some wrestlers wear too many clothes.

[1:10:54] Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all.

[1:10:56] And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers.

[1:10:59] New episodes Thursdays on Maximum Fun, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:11:04] Oh yeah, dig it.

[1:11:06] What the f**k is an interview?

[1:11:18] I mean, I do not know.

[1:11:20] That was Oscar-winning filmmaker Errol Morris.

[1:11:23] I'm Jesse Thorne, host of NPR's Bullseye.

[1:11:26] Allow me to introduce The Turnaround,

[1:11:29] a new podcast series produced by MaximumFun.org

[1:11:32] and presented with the Columbia Journalism Review.

[1:11:35] Join me as I sit down with some of our greatest living interviewers to ask them about interviewing and why and how they do what they do.

[1:11:43] We'll go deep with some of the biggest names in media, people like Larry King, Katie Couric, Audie Cornish, who'll be among friends on The Turnaround.

[1:11:52] Two episodes a week, all summer.

[1:11:54] Subscribe now and tell somebody.

[1:11:56] We have some sponsors that we should get to.

[1:12:01] All right.

[1:12:01] Are they going to be mad that we called Ben Affleck a stand on the world?

[1:12:04] Living Robotics.

[1:12:05] Yeah, it's Wahlburgers.

[1:12:06] Oh, no.

[1:12:07] Living Robotics.

[1:12:08] Our first sponsor is The Black Tux.

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[1:12:41] That would be one of the wrong reasons to stand out at your event.

[1:12:43] Now, guys, you know that I am a diehard wearer of tuxedos to formal occasions.

[1:12:49] Formal.

[1:12:50] Yep, yep.

[1:12:50] Your graduation, the Nobel ceremony.

[1:12:52] But sometimes you have to go to a formal occasion in a place where the temperature doesn't agree with just a simple tuxedo.

[1:12:59] So you can always put one of these beautiful Black Tux tuxedos on over the Tux Speedo.

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[1:13:19] You did a pretty good job.

[1:13:21] Yeah, it's just the one slip up.

[1:13:23] Yeah.

[1:13:24] Yeah, no, that was not bad.

[1:13:25] Yeah, yeah.

[1:13:26] A minus.

[1:13:27] Okay.

[1:13:28] I mean, CinemaScore would have given it an A+++++++.

[1:13:32] Richard Roper raves.

[1:13:33] Dan only had one screw-up.

[1:13:35] Best ad read ever.

[1:13:36] Loving it.

[1:13:37] Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

[1:13:39] So our second sponsor for the evening is Blue Apron.

[1:13:48] Blue Apron for less than $10 per person.

[1:13:53] Build it, Blutiful.

[1:13:55] Build it, Bluto.

[1:13:58] I mean, Blue Dough doesn't build, he just tears down.

[1:14:01] Yeah, he's a cancer.

[1:14:03] I thought he was a Capricorn.

[1:14:06] Oh, no kidding.

[1:14:07] So, Dan, what's Blue Apron?

[1:14:09] For less than $10 per person per meal,

[1:14:11] Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes

[1:14:14] along with pre-portioned ingredients

[1:14:15] to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[1:14:17] They have fresh, high-quality ingredients

[1:14:21] that make a real difference when you're cooking

[1:14:24] because it's important to know

[1:14:25] where your food's coming from, man.

[1:14:28] We talked about yummy mummy before, and you don't have to worry about that shit.

[1:14:32] If you have delicious blue apron coming your way.

[1:14:34] Your tummy's going to feel great.

[1:14:35] You don't have to measure the ingredients, which, as I've said, is the thing about cooking I hate the second most.

[1:14:41] The first is being patient when things are cooking.

[1:14:43] I don't like that.

[1:14:44] But measuring stuff.

[1:14:45] You just crouch down.

[1:14:46] I want it in my tummy right now.

[1:14:47] Yeah, exactly.

[1:14:48] You crouch down, or in this case, you climb up on the stool and look into the oven while it cooks.

[1:14:53] So it's like the fact that everything is measured out already.

[1:14:57] Great.

[1:14:57] You can just toss that stuff in.

[1:14:58] You don't have to spend your time

[1:14:59] wondering what a pinch of something is.

[1:15:01] As soon as you got Blue Apron,

[1:15:04] you told me you took all your spoons

[1:15:06] and measuring devices and your spoons.

[1:15:08] Yeah, I melted them into a big lump

[1:15:10] of plastic and metal,

[1:15:11] and then you know what I did?

[1:15:12] You made your son sit upon it

[1:15:14] and say that he's the king of all the lands.

[1:15:15] I said, this is the measuring throne.

[1:15:17] Here's my favorite part

[1:15:19] of all these Blue Apron ads.

[1:15:21] I get to read a couple of upcoming meals.

[1:15:24] Oh, yeah, and this is going to be delicious.

[1:15:25] Dan's going to start slobbering.

[1:15:27] They got elote-style vegetable tostadas with summer squash, poblano peppers, and cilantro rice.

[1:15:33] Sounds delicious.

[1:15:34] And peach honey glazed chicken with mashed sweet potatoes, collard greens.

[1:15:39] They could be matched sweet potatoes.

[1:15:40] Perfectly matched.

[1:15:41] Blue Apron perfectly matches your sweet potatoes every time.

[1:15:45] They've got a matching sweet potato program.

[1:15:48] If you donate 10 sweet potatoes, then the corporation donates 10 sweet potatoes.

[1:15:53] Are you tired of mismatched sweet potatoes?

[1:15:55] Well, no more.

[1:15:57] all right yeah what's so matt it's like a pension program the matching sweet potatoes program that's

[1:16:02] right for uh for how many sweet potatoes you put in they'll uh we'll match it no no kidding yeah

[1:16:08] okay you're committed to that yeah i'll take all the sweet potatoes i've been sticking under my

[1:16:15] matrix and your match dress yep dan what other dishes have they got come on that's it but check

[1:16:21] out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going by

[1:16:25] going to BlueApron.com

[1:16:27] slash Flophouse. BlueApron.com

[1:16:29] slash Flophouse. BlueApron.com

[1:16:32] slash Flophouse. To have your

[1:16:33] free trial of Blue Apron. It sounds like

[1:16:35] I don't know why you're not doing this right now.

[1:16:37] Yum.

[1:16:39] Okay.

[1:16:42] We also have some

[1:16:45] Jumbo Trons. But first, I want

[1:16:47] to say a special thank you to everybody

[1:16:49] who came out to our

[1:16:50] double Flophouse live show at the Bell House.

[1:16:53] I had a lot of fun. I didn't

[1:16:55] think we could do it they didn't think we could do it no but we did we did it two back-to-back

[1:17:00] recordings thanks to special guest star of the show hallie hagland for being with us thanks to

[1:17:05] everyone at the bell house which is a great place that we love doing stuff uh and hopefully we'll

[1:17:09] again someday in the future thanks for putting up with uh dan's powerpoint being done two shows in

[1:17:15] a row twice stewart and i had new powerpoints for each show at least half of mine was new mine was

[1:17:21] 100% new balls. Dan,

[1:17:22] he read the same one.

[1:17:25] And the shame was palpable.

[1:17:27] And while we're at it, why don't we plug

[1:17:28] we have an upcoming show.

[1:17:30] No, no, let's plug that at the end because

[1:17:32] there's reasons for that.

[1:17:35] Stop holding me back, Dan. I want to

[1:17:36] plug this thing. Stop holding me back, man.

[1:17:38] So should we go to the Jumbotron? Okay, Dan's gonna put his foot

[1:17:41] down. I have to cut out the ads for the audible

[1:17:43] version of this, but I don't want to cut out the plug

[1:17:45] for our live show. That's a little peek

[1:17:47] behind the curtain. Didn't really need to explain that to us

[1:17:49] right now. Peeled my pants back.

[1:17:51] We saw what's going on.

[1:17:52] Now let's close them back up and get to the Jumbotrons.

[1:17:54] I got a message here.

[1:17:57] The message is for fr.eric.

[1:18:00] I don't know if that means frere or father.

[1:18:03] And this message is from David, last name withheld,

[1:18:07] but this is not Elliot's brother.

[1:18:09] Oh, thank goodness.

[1:18:10] And wait a minute.

[1:18:11] I think I'm going to pass the Jumbotron reading details to my pal,

[1:18:16] Burner Herzog.

[1:18:18] And he says, on behalf of myself, the Dan of our family, Elliot, the steward of, my mistake, I misread that.

[1:18:28] It says, Emily, the steward of our family, and Bridget, the Flophouse house cat of our family, we want to wish you all the best as you begin your next chapter of service in name of South African, South American country withheld.

[1:18:44] Man, my friend Werner Herzog's doing a terrible job of this.

[1:18:47] Maybe you should take over from him.

[1:18:48] We love you, bro.

[1:18:50] Thank you.

[1:18:51] So, yeah, thanks.

[1:18:53] This message is for Frere Eric.

[1:18:55] This message was meant to be on June 10th, if possible.

[1:19:00] Dan, good job.

[1:19:01] But, yep, so thank you, David.

[1:19:03] I do it when they're giving me.

[1:19:04] Good luck.

[1:19:04] And that was a personal message.

[1:19:09] I've got a business message on the Jumbotron.

[1:19:11] And it says this.

[1:19:15] Subscribe and listen to Soulmates.

[1:19:16] We're just two married couples who love MST3K and each other,

[1:19:20] and we want to talk to you about it.

[1:19:21] Join us for custom cocktail recipes, relationship advice,

[1:19:24] and semi-intelligent conversation.

[1:19:26] Find us on Twitter at at SoulmatesPod.

[1:19:28] That's S-O-L, Satellite of Love, MatesPod.

[1:19:31] And it's, you know, that's what you do.

[1:19:33] Listen to Soulmates, an MST3K fan podcast.

[1:19:35] You like that, Elliot.

[1:19:38] I mean, I love Mystery Science Theater 3000

[1:19:40] because it's my favorite show of all time.

[1:19:43] And then I got to make it, living the dream.

[1:19:45] And so I can't wait to listen to SOL Mates, this MSG3K fan cast,

[1:19:50] and look it up on Twitter at SOLMatesPod.

[1:19:53] Well, that sounds great.

[1:19:54] So two lovely jumbotrons.

[1:19:57] There's something kind of illicit about a podcast

[1:20:00] where it's two married couples making the podcast.

[1:20:02] I believe we have a plug for a live show that you wanted to do, Elliot.

[1:20:08] Yeah, I guess I'm the only one who wanted to do it.

[1:20:11] Sure, you guys don't care.

[1:20:12] Stop holding me back.

[1:20:13] You've got a note in front of your, you literally have a note in front of you on the table.

[1:20:18] That's why I went to you with it.

[1:20:20] Anyway, I'll do the heavy lifting on this one, fellas.

[1:20:22] Let's say you couldn't make it to a Flophouse live show because you don't live near New York.

[1:20:26] You live in, say, Philadelphia, dozens of miles from New York.

[1:20:29] Well, you are in luck because on July 16th, that's right, two days after Bastille Day,

[1:20:35] so your Bastille Day hangover will be a thing of the past,

[1:20:37] you'll be at the Philly Podcast Festival in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

[1:20:41] Yeah, that's the city of brotherly love.

[1:20:43] And cheesesteaks.

[1:20:44] Yeah, and cheesesteaks, true.

[1:20:47] And as I've said before,

[1:20:48] the world's greatest collection of Marcel Duchamp's work

[1:20:51] at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

[1:20:52] And it's where they created cream cheese, right?

[1:20:56] Yeah, that's right.

[1:20:58] I think so, yeah.

[1:20:59] That's where they invented it, yeah.

[1:21:00] It's Sunday, July 16th.

[1:21:03] Doors are at 7.30 p.m.

[1:21:04] Show is at 8 p.m.

[1:21:05] Go to phillypodfest.com.

[1:21:09] That's phillypodfest.com to buy your tickets to the first show we've ever done in Philadelphia, right?

[1:21:14] That's right.

[1:21:15] So what are we going to do for you?

[1:21:16] We're going to run up the Rocky Steps at the Museum of Art.

[1:21:18] We're probably going to go to, what, Independence Hall, try to ring that crazy cracked bell.

[1:21:23] We're going to—

[1:21:26] When are we going to announce the movie we're watching for this show, Dan?

[1:21:30] Do you have an idea of what we should watch for it?

[1:21:33] Don't look at me now.

[1:21:35] I passed the hot potato to you.

[1:21:37] me so i'm just passing to elliot dude elliot already got a hot potato this round oh and i

[1:21:43] burned my hands luckily it was a matched sweet potato i don't know let's watch fucking rat race

[1:21:48] or some shit wait i didn't take the most random movie you could think of yeah yeah i stuffed my

[1:21:59] hand deep into my uh what is that my uh oh fuck i couldn't remember what we called let's watch

[1:22:05] Mel Brooks' The Twelve Chairs.

[1:22:07] That's an okay movie.

[1:22:09] No, it's a perfectly good movie.

[1:22:11] It's just the randomness.

[1:22:12] It's not a perfect movie.

[1:22:12] Perfectly good.

[1:22:14] Oh, okay.

[1:22:14] Yeah.

[1:22:17] What did you call it before?

[1:22:19] A chocolate depository?

[1:22:20] I don't remember.

[1:22:21] Chocolate cavity.

[1:22:23] Yeah.

[1:22:23] So, guys, we're just going to watch

[1:22:25] Made in America starring Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson.

[1:22:28] Yeah, okay.

[1:22:29] I mean, we've taken a bunch of recommendations

[1:22:31] on Twitter.

[1:22:32] People sent it to me,

[1:22:34] And then I, I don't have all, I got to collate, you know, collate that data.

[1:22:41] Yeah, you got to get all Ben Affleck the accountant on those numbers.

[1:22:44] Some people seem to think we should do some older movies that are Philly related.

[1:22:49] I think you meant to say, somebody thinks we should do some other movies.

[1:22:52] Yeah.

[1:22:52] Like in Smash Mouth terms.

[1:22:53] Yeah, like a Rocky V or a Mannequin, which apparently Philly films.

[1:22:58] I'd totally watch Mannequin.

[1:23:00] Yeah, we'll talk about it.

[1:23:02] Well, yeah, maybe we should do a special Philly film.

[1:23:04] Because he can't spell Philly without Phil.

[1:23:07] So let's find one of the guys whose name is Phil.

[1:23:09] Okay, this line of talk is tapped out.

[1:23:14] Dan, how much editing are you going to do on this episode?

[1:23:15] Do we have a lot more jokes here, or are we going right to letters?

[1:23:18] No, we're going to do letters.

[1:23:19] These are letters from listeners.

[1:23:22] Now, I already sang a song earlier in the episode.

[1:23:24] So for those of you who are looking forward to hearing a letter song from me,

[1:23:28] keep in mind I already sang a song earlier in the episode,

[1:23:31] which means you're going to get two songs this episode.

[1:23:35] Two full songs from a guy who usually sings just one.

[1:23:40] Two is more than one.

[1:23:41] Two is less than three.

[1:23:43] Two is good enough for you and for me.

[1:23:46] That's two.

[1:23:46] It's a letter for just me and you.

[1:23:48] That's two.

[1:23:49] No one else because there's just two.

[1:23:52] Two is the second number.

[1:23:54] Unless you count zero and I don't.

[1:23:57] That's the absence of value.

[1:23:59] It's really more of a conceptual placeholder for larger numbers.

[1:24:03] Stu's going to get another beer.

[1:24:05] Two is a number I think we can rely on.

[1:24:07] Two is a number to live or die on.

[1:24:10] Two is a number for letters.

[1:24:12] Letters are numbers for you.

[1:24:15] You don't know the difference between letters and numbers, which is weird.

[1:24:21] You should have learned that.

[1:24:23] Letters are for the words.

[1:24:24] I'm sick, for God's sake.

[1:24:25] Numbers are for math.

[1:24:26] I need to get rest tonight.

[1:24:27] Letters don't go in math, except I guess that algebra uses some letters.

[1:24:31] Me too.

[1:24:32] So forget what I said.

[1:24:33] Letters are numbers.

[1:24:34] Numbers are letters.

[1:24:35] Let's get ahead to the letters for me and you, because that makes two.

[1:24:40] I think we only got like two more of these recordings in Brooklyn, right?

[1:24:46] One or two more of these scheduled?

[1:24:47] Don't bring us down.

[1:24:48] Yes, I've got to make the most of it.

[1:24:50] No, no, no.

[1:24:51] Don't bring me down.

[1:24:54] when i get on the floor i'll need some more floor don't bring us down because why would wait a

[1:25:01] minute why does he need so much floor what floor is he getting on so this first letter is from

[1:25:07] jerob of last name withheld get the fuck out of here that's a person's name stewart what are you

[1:25:13] talking to dan not talking to the person oh okay on previous jerob is great on previous episodes

[1:25:19] Elliot offered advice on how to search

[1:25:21] the TV Guide for a certain kind of content.

[1:25:23] Movies that might have topless women.

[1:25:25] If I recall correctly,

[1:25:27] the advice was to... Not just topless.

[1:25:28] The advice was to avoid movies with intentionally

[1:25:31] erotic titles and seek movies with

[1:25:33] words like beach, bikini, college

[1:25:35] and off-road.

[1:25:36] Even though this advice is completely useless in

[1:25:38] modern times, it was well-intended but

[1:25:40] tragically heteronormative.

[1:25:42] I would like you to fix one of those problems.

[1:25:44] Let's suppose you could broadcast your advice to the

[1:25:46] male-attracted youth of the past few decades.

[1:25:49] what should they search for in the TV guide?

[1:25:51] Movies featuring barbarians

[1:25:53] usually featured an oiled male lead.

[1:25:55] Lost Boys had that sax player.

[1:25:57] Top Gun had a beach volleyball

[1:25:59] scene set to playing with the boys.

[1:26:01] You don't want people

[1:26:03] to think you're a homophobe, right?

[1:26:05] Better finish this list.

[1:26:06] I mean, I don't want people to think I'm a homophobe.

[1:26:09] I'm very homo-friendly, if that's a word.

[1:26:11] I accept all types of people

[1:26:13] who do all types of things, because

[1:26:15] you know what's great about humanity, Dan?

[1:26:17] What's that, Dan? The variety.

[1:26:19] variety of people it's a kaleidoscope it's uh i mean that's a weird way to put it so people are

[1:26:24] just falling around like going ah and making different patterns yep that's like a sociopath

[1:26:29] would see humanity that way but uh here's the thing it's a it's an interesting dilemma here

[1:26:34] because hollywood has been heteronormative for most of its history and so sexual movies with

[1:26:40] nudity are more usually centered around female nudity than male the flip side of this is that

[1:26:46] because men are considered the standard default body type

[1:26:50] for almost all of human history,

[1:26:51] topless men and men wearing not a lot of clothes

[1:26:54] get into a lot more movies than naked women.

[1:26:57] You can see them in all types of any movie set

[1:27:00] at a beach or a gym is going to have a muscly guy

[1:27:03] often with his shirt off.

[1:27:04] But here's the thing.

[1:27:05] If you remember my original advice,

[1:27:08] I believe the real key was

[1:27:10] if a movie says nudity in the TV guy listing,

[1:27:12] don't waste your time.

[1:27:13] Look for when it says sexual situations.

[1:27:16] Because that's when there's going to be a tone of nudity.

[1:27:18] I would say, if you're looking for male nudity,

[1:27:20] also look for the name Kevin Bacon listed.

[1:27:23] He does like showing his penis in movies sometimes.

[1:27:28] Or Michael Fassbender.

[1:27:29] I mean, that's not helpful for the people of the past

[1:27:31] because he didn't have a career yet.

[1:27:33] Yeah, so if we're taking this advice

[1:27:36] and sending it in a time capsule back in time.

[1:27:39] And any modern action film,

[1:27:41] the hero will want to take his top off at some point

[1:27:45] to show how he got totally swole

[1:27:47] for the part. Yeah, in the 80s, especially,

[1:27:49] shirts were getting ripped off all the time.

[1:27:51] Pants, not as much.

[1:27:53] No. I guess they could watch...

[1:27:55] Isn't there a scene in Bachelor Party at a male strip club?

[1:27:58] Yeah, yeah, where Nick the Dick

[1:27:59] puts his penis in a hot dog bun.

[1:28:01] That's what I was referencing when I was talking about putting

[1:28:03] a penis in a hot dog bun. I didn't even think about that.

[1:28:05] That's why I kept winking at you guys and then

[1:28:07] holding up my Bachelor Party VHS cassette.

[1:28:09] Oh, that's why you were doing that. I just wanted us to watch

[1:28:11] Bachelor Party after we were done with it. Yeah, that's what I was

[1:28:13] trying to get you guys to do.

[1:28:14] I thought you were just reminding us that, hey,

[1:28:16] Tom Hanks may be America's favorite dad,

[1:28:18] but he had to start somewhere, and it wasn't always so clean.

[1:28:21] I hope that helped, I guess.

[1:28:25] The next letter is from Taj, last name withheld.

[1:28:30] Mahal, yeah.

[1:28:31] Yep, I was waiting for that.

[1:28:32] Most famous Taj, other than the rise of.

[1:28:35] Ear floppers.

[1:28:37] I had a moment of cognitive overlap

[1:28:39] while watching the excellent new Mystery Science Theater 3000.

[1:28:43] For a while, I started imagining the original Peaches on the Satellite of Love with Dan as Yoda, Elliot as Crow, and Stu as Tom Servo, which raised the question, which fictional robots do you most identify with?

[1:28:53] I have my own list.

[1:28:55] Elliot is Johnny Five from Short Circuit.

[1:28:57] I'll buy that, sure.

[1:28:58] Dan is Marvin the Paranoid Android from The Checker's Guide to the Galaxy.

[1:29:01] Most definitely.

[1:29:02] Stuart is both Robot Bill and Robot Ted from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

[1:29:06] That's super accurate.

[1:29:07] I feel like this guy has nailed it so well.

[1:29:10] Bill and Ted's bogus journey.

[1:29:11] One summer when I was staying at my friend Justin Skelton's lake house,

[1:29:15] Justin Skelton, who I mentioned before as being the one who didn't watch Roseanne.

[1:29:18] I was being a skeleton.

[1:29:18] Because it was a bum show.

[1:29:20] But we watched.

[1:29:21] And he was a skeleton too.

[1:29:24] And he was a skeleton.

[1:29:25] His dad was the crypt keeper.

[1:29:26] Yeah, it was crazy.

[1:29:27] And I remember seeing that movie and staying awake that night,

[1:29:32] my brain on fire from the possibilities of this Bill and Ted universe.

[1:29:38] Oh, yeah.

[1:29:39] Like, they expanded it so much.

[1:29:40] William Sadler is the crip as Death.

[1:29:44] It's so awesome.

[1:29:45] There's a lot.

[1:29:45] That was a weird movie.

[1:29:46] There's a lot going on in the movie.

[1:29:47] But, like, for my kid brain, it was the perfect thing to see.

[1:29:52] Oh, man.

[1:29:54] It's so fucking good.

[1:29:55] Yeah, that's how I felt when Family Matters crossed over with Step by Step.

[1:29:58] And you're like, everything, checking all my boxes.

[1:30:01] I was like, it's all one world.

[1:30:02] I was so excited to get home and watch TV on Friday nights.

[1:30:07] Oh, yeah.

[1:30:07] Finally.

[1:30:08] My fucking F, dude.

[1:30:10] Yeah, I was thanking God every Friday.

[1:30:12] It was Friday.

[1:30:13] Yep, you were thanking a Christian God.

[1:30:16] It was Friday night.

[1:30:17] The moon was bright.

[1:30:19] I wanted to have some fun and show them how it's done.

[1:30:22] And I did, TGIF.

[1:30:23] It was weird when Perfect Strangers was part of TGIF, though.

[1:30:27] Why?

[1:30:28] Because it felt a little bit like when Richard Belzer joined Law & Order.

[1:30:36] Where it was like, wait a minute, you're not from this place.

[1:30:39] You're from another place.

[1:30:40] You're a ringer.

[1:30:41] Oh, okay.

[1:30:41] So, I agree with you.

[1:30:44] When Dinosaurs was on that?

[1:30:46] Oh, my lord.

[1:30:47] Yeah.

[1:30:48] I mean, I would have accepted also being...

[1:30:50] What dreams may come.

[1:30:51] I also would have accepted being the Iron Giant.

[1:30:53] So, that question, I guess, was about TGO.

[1:30:57] I mean, it wasn't a question.

[1:30:58] No, the question...

[1:31:00] He answered the question.

[1:31:00] He answered his own question.

[1:31:02] Is your objection here?

[1:31:04] So, you don't have any...

[1:31:04] Not an objection.

[1:31:06] Were we supposed to answer it?

[1:31:07] He gave great answers.

[1:31:09] Sometimes I can see Elliot or Dan being that little nerdy robot

[1:31:12] from Futurama, the little orphan robot with the crustacean.

[1:31:15] I can see that, yeah.

[1:31:15] And I always, because I'm a small guy,

[1:31:18] I always sympathize with the robots from Batteries Not Included.

[1:31:21] Also because I'm always being confused for a hamburger.

[1:31:23] Yeah.

[1:31:25] I think that you would have to cross...

[1:31:29] Hot buns.

[1:31:30] Cross Marvin with Heaton as a bot to get to me.

[1:31:34] Yeah, that's pretty accurate, actually.

[1:31:35] Yeah, but like 95% Marvin.

[1:31:37] Yeah.

[1:31:38] But like the laziness of hedonism.

[1:31:40] That's what Marvin accomplishes a lot.

[1:31:44] When people ask him to do...

[1:31:46] No, it's true.

[1:31:47] Because, Dan, when I was your supervisor at The Daily Show,

[1:31:49] when I'd ever ask you to do things, you would go,

[1:31:50] ugh, really?

[1:31:52] And it was like, yeah, that's what Marvin does.

[1:31:55] Brain the size of a planet.

[1:31:57] And I'm fetching those guys.

[1:31:59] When you were delivering that news today,

[1:32:00] and you could see in his eyes the hours of napping

[1:32:03] that he doesn't get to do.

[1:32:05] I saw his projected nap meter falling.

[1:32:09] Yeah, Dan?

[1:32:10] Sorry that turned into some Dan bashing.

[1:32:12] That wasn't fair.

[1:32:12] You know what?

[1:32:13] But the thing is,

[1:32:14] when the rubber hit the road,

[1:32:17] when the pizza hit the mouth,

[1:32:18] he got that shit done.

[1:32:19] Yeah, that's true.

[1:32:21] When the pizza hit the mouth.

[1:32:23] So this is from Randy, last name with L.

[1:32:28] Randy Spears.

[1:32:29] While making my way through your back catalog,

[1:32:32] it dawned on me that Dan and Stuart's tour at Earlham College

[1:32:34] coincided with my stint as an assistant manager

[1:32:36] at that sole Blockbuster video in that little burg.

[1:32:39] It warms my heart to think I might have rented a copy of Castle Freak

[1:32:42] to an impressionable young Stuart Wellington.

[1:32:44] It frustrated me to no end that the store was lumped into

[1:32:48] Blockbuster's blue-collar rural category

[1:32:51] despite the presence of Earlham College.

[1:32:57] That lovely little label meant that on new release day,

[1:33:00] the store would get, say, 10 copies of Biodome

[1:33:02] and one copy of Fargo.

[1:33:03] Let's just say the wrestling, i.e. rasslin' section,

[1:33:07] nearly outweighed the foreign film section.

[1:33:09] I mean, those wrestlers are huge.

[1:33:11] I'm not surprised it outweighed the foreign actors.

[1:33:13] No, sir, we don't carry the seventh seal,

[1:33:16] but we're stocked to the cock with WrestleMania VIII.

[1:33:19] Stocked to the cock's a common phrase.

[1:33:22] Said that to my pastor.

[1:33:24] It's in the Blockbuster handbook.

[1:33:26] I did what I could to recommend the gyms we did have,

[1:33:29] the city of lost children and tetsuo the iron man what a weird like that's if i went to a video

[1:33:36] store and this is someone who's seen tetsuo the iron man appreciated certain aspects of it if i

[1:33:41] went to a video store and the guy was like dude dude dude don't take i don't know what groundhog

[1:33:45] day or something don't take tetsuo to body hammer go get tetsuo the iron man you're gonna love it

[1:33:50] i would return to that video store and say sir what do you think i am uh if you've always

[1:33:56] frequent and then i pick up what the fuck we have a letter from the manager of the blockbuster from

[1:34:02] the little town we went to school and that's crazy yeah i'm gonna skip a couple paragraphs

[1:34:07] i'm trying to recall if i ever saw someone danish awkwardly trying the store stockroom door in the

[1:34:13] hope of finding porn beyond no we went to family video for that homie well yeah here you go every

[1:34:18] shift some dude would try the door only to be pelted with judgmental stares block by their

[1:34:22] blockbuster never carried it the closest thing we stocked was the bank dick and maybe chisholm

[1:34:27] how weird is it the family video carries adult videos something for the whole family i guess

[1:34:32] uh they call it cock blockbuster so family video was raw as hell dude i read all kinds of crazy

[1:34:40] shit from there hey man how do you think you make families that's true i'm doing it thanks for the

[1:34:45] many hours of pod stay pretty thanks man i'm trying to remember the blockbuster in that town

[1:34:50] I remember going there with friends who were from the East Coast who would get so mad at how long the lines were and how everyone took way too much time.

[1:34:59] My friend Jordana, who was from Rochester, New York, was like, these people in the Midwest take too long in lines.

[1:35:06] And I'm like, Rochester is kind of the Midwest, too.

[1:35:09] Yeah, I think I've told this story.

[1:35:13] I'm sure I've told this story before.

[1:35:14] but the thing I remember about the blockbuster

[1:35:16] is going there with Bill Hickey

[1:35:17] and they had the boyfriend school

[1:35:20] aka don't tell her it's me

[1:35:21] on the wall there

[1:35:23] with a sticker that said

[1:35:26] guaranteed entertainment

[1:35:27] it's not fucking wrong dude

[1:35:33] that shit would hold up in court

[1:35:35] a guy from New Orleans is putting the stickers on

[1:35:37] boyfriend school guaranteed entertainment

[1:35:40] one last quick very quick

[1:35:44] message from kevin last name withheld i was i'm glad he's like get the burglars out of my house

[1:35:49] please so we need to talk about me i was at the bell house early show burglars out of my house

[1:35:55] dear fluff house love your podcast the wet bandits are attacking and it's christmas and you're like

[1:36:00] oops a little late on this part and we look up online and it says boy killed in apparent home

[1:36:05] invasion wet bandits claim another life they had an earlier shot gene smart oh boy yep wet wet with

[1:36:13] blood wait so dan are you implying that the accountant takes place in a timeline right

[1:36:18] before home alone that's right they share the home alone the wet bandits were the assassins

[1:36:23] that john luthko hired to kill his wife yeah oh yeah that it was an unrelated break-in and the

[1:36:29] wet bandits so there's just i have this image of daniel stern now shaking traumatized throwing up

[1:36:34] in the bathroom and joe pashy's like so you so you killed someone what's the problem he's like

[1:36:39] I can't do that ever again, boss.

[1:36:40] From now on, we're no longer the gun bandits.

[1:36:43] We'll be the wet bandits.

[1:36:44] We're only hitting on Christmas Eve

[1:36:46] when we know people aren't going to be around anymore.

[1:36:48] Man, that's a lot of backstory

[1:36:49] that I think really helps shape the movie.

[1:36:51] So a little context to this last letter.

[1:36:55] In the live show that we taped,

[1:36:58] which will not be released until August, probably,

[1:37:03] I promised people in line who we did not get to

[1:37:07] their question that I would if you wrote in and saying that you're one of the four people in line

[1:37:13] who did not get your question answered we'd be sure to answer it on the show

[1:37:16] and so this person right Dan was doing anything he could to get some goodwill from this crowd

[1:37:21] oh man after they saw him do the same presentation twice they were he started taking his clothes off

[1:37:27] and we're like dude what are you doing yeah they like you for your mind and when he was just

[1:37:31] throwing ten dollar bills into the audience I was like dude that's like four hundred dollars

[1:37:35] you just threw out there uh kevin writes i was at the bell house early show and one is the one

[1:37:42] was one of the last four standing in line when you said if we emailed you you would answer it

[1:37:46] on the podcast my question is how are you going to determine whether i'm lying or not

[1:37:51] oh good question kevin so was he gonna ask that at the show the answer is i don't care

[1:37:58] And you've wasted your question

[1:38:00] Oh wow

[1:38:02] Oh man

[1:38:03] Oh wow don't get close to Dan

[1:38:05] He's going super saiyan on us

[1:38:07] Dan got fierce all of a sudden

[1:38:10] Yeah

[1:38:10] Well

[1:38:12] It's always been inside me

[1:38:14] Just waiting to spring out

[1:38:16] I like to think that all the

[1:38:18] All the sass that Elliot and I

[1:38:21] Have been shoveling on to you

[1:38:22] Just got directed at an unwinning target

[1:38:24] Yeah just some rando

[1:38:25] But I read about this in your comic book

[1:38:28] the passive-aggressive Hulk?

[1:38:29] He goes,

[1:38:31] don't get me pissy.

[1:38:33] You wouldn't like me when I'm pissy.

[1:38:34] No one likes anyone when they're pissy.

[1:38:37] Yeah, but you especially wouldn't like me.

[1:38:38] Bob Guccione Jr. loves it when people are pissy.

[1:38:42] Bravo, bravo.

[1:38:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:38:47] What an apt reference to the history

[1:38:49] of Penthouse Magazine.

[1:38:56] Tell the family to leave the room

[1:38:59] Unless they're a family video kind of family

[1:39:01] In which case bring them in

[1:39:03] So

[1:39:05] This is the last segment of the show

[1:39:08] It's where we recommend movies that you should watch

[1:39:10] Instead of the accountant

[1:39:11] I'll go first

[1:39:13] Shit we still have to do this

[1:39:15] I recently re-watched

[1:39:19] This flop never sleeps

[1:39:19] I recently re-watched

[1:39:22] Dr. Strangelove

[1:39:23] Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

[1:39:26] uh which is uh benedict cumberbatch and that oh boy was jackie chan in that

[1:39:34] see all right till this one is no that all right that character was played by peter sellers

[1:39:40] all right that other character was played by peter sellers and other characters played by

[1:39:45] peter sellers have a movie with peter sellers and jackie chan in it jackie chan was not in

[1:39:50] that movie i would love that the physical comedy alone um so pardon me um this is a movie i you

[1:39:59] know i got in the criterion collection disc for christmas and i never got around to cracking it

[1:40:05] open and i re-watched it today cracked the disc and it was broken so you had to buy a new one you

[1:40:09] know uh and uh surprise surprise it's great everyone likes dr strange love there's no need

[1:40:16] for me to tell you to go out and see it it's about a uh there's a u.s general who goes crazy

[1:40:23] and sends out some uh instructions to his bombers to go bomb russia with their nuclear payload

[1:40:30] and the rest of the movie is taken up with them the uh president and other generals and various

[1:40:38] There's people trying to get those planes back from creating the nuclear war.

[1:40:46] And we see inside the plane that's going there, too, with Slim Pickens being the person in the plane.

[1:40:56] I'm getting real fadey here, guys.

[1:40:59] So maybe just finish it up and we can take over.

[1:41:01] But it's great.

[1:41:04] it it works in part because it's serious in its comedy stylings it was based on a serious book

[1:41:12] and it's probably an apocryphal story but uh the rumor is that stanley kubrick didn't even

[1:41:19] tell slim pickens they're making a comedy um and that helps the comedy go over i find that

[1:41:26] very hard to believe i find it hard to believe too that's why i said it's probably apocryphal

[1:41:29] but it gives you a sense that's the kind of thing that plays on the idea that slim pickens was not

[1:41:33] an actor but was just like the character he was playing well he's the little girl in the fall

[1:41:38] yeah like in when he was making 1941 that steven spielberg didn't tell him it was a it was a comedy

[1:41:44] told him it was a documentary and so he really swallowed all that stuff so he could poop it out

[1:41:47] until he saw the movie and he's like whoa this is so incredibly hilarious it's got to be a comedy

[1:41:52] it's so gut bustingly funny i should have given you a much bigger laugh stewart for your reference

[1:41:58] you're a reference to the girl in the fall slim pickens thinks this is actually happening around

[1:42:03] him one tiny note before i pass this along uh the great title sequence of dr strange love was made

[1:42:10] by pablo farrow who did the title sequence to stop making sense in a very similar style

[1:42:15] so that's another recommendation for stop making sense that's amazing every in the universe that

[1:42:21] every movie leads to stop making sense for dan there could be a movie called make sense for once

[1:42:25] and Dan would turn it into an ad for Stop Making Sense.

[1:42:28] It's like it's such an interesting play

[1:42:30] on the subtle name of Stop Making Sense.

[1:42:32] The subtle name of Stop Making Sense?

[1:42:35] I don't fucking know, dude.

[1:42:36] It's late.

[1:42:37] So, Stuart, do you have a movie to recommend?

[1:42:38] Hell yeah, dude, dude.

[1:42:39] This one's for the horror freaks out there.

[1:42:42] Calling all horror hounds, woof, woof.

[1:42:46] Yeah, so strap on your barf bags.

[1:42:52] I got another edition of Stuart's Horror Hound

[1:42:54] recommendation. Really a long time to introduce

[1:42:57] this recommendation. And whorehound candies

[1:42:59] to give out.

[1:43:00] Okay.

[1:43:02] Now that I got you slobbering.

[1:43:05] Like the dogs you are.

[1:43:09] Wrap it up.

[1:43:11] I'm going to recommend

[1:43:12] a little movie called The Black Coat's Daughter.

[1:43:15] This was a movie that

[1:43:17] was made in 2015

[1:43:19] and sat on the shelf for like a year

[1:43:21] and a half. So long that

[1:43:23] the director's uh other movie i am the pretty thing that lives in the house came out before

[1:43:29] this was even released uh it is you know it's a horror movie about uh it seems to be about a pair

[1:43:39] of girls who are for whatever reasons uh spending their winter break stuck in a like a catholic

[1:43:47] boarding school uh one of the girls is played by kieran and shipka who is great and this solidifies

[1:43:54] my long-held belief that she would be a great asset to any kind of horror movie because she

[1:44:00] is able to pull off this like kind of blank mystery that uh i kind of always felt that way

[1:44:07] in madman like i was always like there's something kind of crazy about this person

[1:44:12] or like for whatever reason she makes the scene she's in kind of eerie um and it's it's a movie

[1:44:19] that is patient and kind of quiet uh don't expect it to be particularly fast moving but i think it's

[1:44:26] very well shot uh it kind of fit it fits pretty snugly in with the current uh thread of like

[1:44:33] prestige horror movies and um i don't want to talk too much about the plot because i i think it's

[1:44:40] You know, a twist and turn.

[1:44:41] Yeah, I mean, there's some,

[1:44:42] but it does have a great performance

[1:44:45] by my man James Remar

[1:44:48] from the movie Quiet Cool.

[1:44:50] Sure, yeah.

[1:44:51] And lots of other things.

[1:44:52] Yeah, so if you're looking for,

[1:44:55] if you like the movie, say,

[1:44:57] kind of like The Witch

[1:44:59] in that it's kind of slow moving

[1:45:02] and it has some similar themes,

[1:45:05] maybe check out The Black Coat's Daughter.

[1:45:08] Well, guys, you know what?

[1:45:09] i'm gonna break with flop house tradition and for i think the second time in the history of

[1:45:14] my recommendations i'm not gonna recommend a movie because i haven't seen any movies lately

[1:45:18] that i really loved i'm gonna recommend a book whoa a movie for your mind but there's a connection

[1:45:25] to movies which i'll tell you about this is a novel that came out the year before last and

[1:45:29] won a little thing called the pulitzer prize uh and it's called the sympathizer by viet thang

[1:45:35] and go in and uh or tan and go in i'm not sure how to pronounce it anyway it's a really great book

[1:45:40] about a uh the starting with the fall of saigon and the end of the vietnam war a guy who is a

[1:45:47] north vietnamese vietcong agent who has been undercover for a long time within the south

[1:45:52] vietnamese army he becomes part of the vietnamese refugee community in the united states and is

[1:45:58] still continuing with his work but is finding it more and more difficult to understand kind of

[1:46:04] why he's doing what he's doing or what side he's really on or what what's going on in his life

[1:46:09] and there's a long sequence in the middle in which he gets hired to be the technical advisor

[1:46:15] on a movie that is essentially apocalypse now and it is scathing in its satire about the depiction

[1:46:23] of the vietnam war and the vietnamese people by american movies and it was a section that

[1:46:28] really made me rethink the way i feel about some of those movies and apocalypse now a movie that

[1:46:34] i think is great and i'll just i just have taken it for granted for a long time that it's great

[1:46:38] and very much about uh this kind of phasm phantasmacoric version of the american experience

[1:46:45] in the vietnam war but made me rethink some of my assumptions about how you tell stories about

[1:46:50] wars basically like a like a look at like american colonialism or uh or more that it's

[1:46:58] the experience of the kind of uh blindness and hubris that leads a guy to be like i'm gonna

[1:47:03] make the ultimate statement on this war are there gonna be any vietnamese characters in it not

[1:47:08] really it kind of exists to be shot or to shoot and just then the main character's frustration

[1:47:13] with this is is scathing and but also and like painful for someone who likes that movie but in

[1:47:19] a good funny way so it's a heartbreaking novel at times but it's also really funny so the sympathizer

[1:47:26] I was kind of shocked

[1:47:27] What was that Mel Gibson Vietnam movie

[1:47:30] We Were Soldiers

[1:47:31] We Were Warriors Once

[1:47:32] I think it's We Were Soldiers

[1:47:37] But like

[1:47:38] I think it was

[1:47:39] I was surprised that that's one of the only

[1:47:42] Vietnam movies that I can think of

[1:47:44] That feels like it spends almost as much time

[1:47:47] On the Vietnamese characters

[1:47:49] As it does the American characters

[1:47:52] I haven't seen it

[1:47:52] There's very few

[1:47:53] I remember putting it off

[1:47:55] And then actually seeing him being like, okay, this is actually, I remember it being surprisingly good.

[1:48:00] And, you know, I don't know, like, Mel Gibson is not a filmmaker that I go out of my way to defend.

[1:48:05] But I remember it being pretty good.

[1:48:08] But it taps into a feeling I had when I finally got around to seeing The Year of Living Dangerously.

[1:48:12] Where, like, this nation is in upheaval and the people who actually live in the country are being killed by the score.

[1:48:18] But, like, oh, good, Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver got out.

[1:48:21] So I guess everything turned out okay.

[1:48:23] And the stuff he says is just like really brutal, but also very funny.

[1:48:28] What's the name of the book?

[1:48:31] It's called The Sympathizer.

[1:48:32] I'll lend it to you if you want.

[1:48:33] It's really good.

[1:48:33] So three great recommendations, two of which follow the rules of the podcast,

[1:48:39] and one of which has been disqualified.

[1:48:41] Oh, you've been cast into another dimension.

[1:48:45] No.

[1:48:45] You're in the Phantom Zone now.

[1:48:47] No, but that means I'll survive the destruction of this planet, so score?

[1:48:50] Yeah.

[1:48:52] And the president will kneel before me.

[1:48:54] Well, it's after midnight, and I...

[1:48:57] We're going to let it all hang out?

[1:48:58] I'm not getting any less sick, so let's...

[1:49:05] That's actually very bad, Dan.

[1:49:06] Your immune system should be working on that illness.

[1:49:09] Yeah, let's stop this thing.

[1:49:10] When you reach a certain age, your body just kind of breaks down.

[1:49:13] Yeah.

[1:49:14] Don't I know it.

[1:49:15] I've been experiencing that.

[1:49:17] I threw out my back like two weeks ago,

[1:49:19] and I'm a pile of fucking garbage right now.

[1:49:22] he really is he's literally he's the pile of garbage from fraggle rock i'm the pile of garbage

[1:49:27] uh that what chet turns into and weird science yeah i was gonna say you look a little better

[1:49:31] than that you're more of a pizza the hut type oh that's great oh why are you eating parts of my

[1:49:36] body oh it's just so delicious the weirdest thing about that movie is when uh that silver guy starts

[1:49:44] eating pizza the hut yeah the whole time i'm like how does that affect his makeup like is he getting

[1:49:50] makeup on his pizza? What's going on?

[1:49:52] Also, the fact that Pizza the Hut doesn't really mind

[1:49:54] is strange.

[1:49:56] I mean, it's probably just like dead skin cells, right?

[1:49:58] I guess that's fair. That's fair. Like, if someone

[1:50:00] started cutting off pieces of your hair... I don't understand the

[1:50:02] biology of Pizza the Hut.

[1:50:04] Oh, and we don't speak huddies, which is his

[1:50:06] language. No one along-a.

[1:50:08] Alright, that's enough

[1:50:10] of that. For the Flophouse, I've

[1:50:12] been Dan McCoy.

[1:50:13] Oh, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:50:16] And remembering my order in the

[1:50:18] goodbyes and hellos, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:50:20] See you next time

[1:50:22] I was thinking about other fucking Huttese shit

[1:50:25] They'll hear us, we won't see them

[1:50:26] I was gonna say like pizza no bada

[1:50:29] No java pepperoni

[1:50:32] Okay, you still a thirsty boy or are you good?

[1:50:42] I am thirsty

[1:50:43] My tummy's feeling better

[1:50:45] I wiped it out

[1:50:47] We have so many messed up tum tums around here

[1:50:50] Yeah, we call this the tummy cast, tummy house.

[1:50:54] See, the problem with my tummy is my back tummy.

[1:50:57] Oh, yeah, and I've got a case of mummy tummy.

[1:51:00] Oh, mummy tummy.

[1:51:01] Is that when you eat too much yummy mummy cereal?

[1:51:04] Yeah, and then your stomach gets ripped out and put in a jar to contain your cough.

[1:51:08] Oh, a canoptic jar?

[1:51:09] That's wonderful.

[1:51:11] Well, at least all your servants will be killed, too.

[1:51:13] Maximumfun.org

[1:51:16] Comedy and culture.

[1:51:17] Artist owned.

[1:51:18] Listener supported.

[1:51:20] Thank you.

Ep. #234 - The Accountant

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