Ep. #235 - USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage

[0:00] On this episode we discuss USS indianapolis men of courage wow wow we're owen wilson we're not in this movie wow.

[0:30] hey everyone and welcome to the flop house i'm dan mccoy hey it's me stuart wellington and it's me elliot kaelin wow wow where am i owen wilson wow

[0:48] wow ernest hemingway i can't believe you're here i love your books wow wow that's a good impression wow ross chast from the new yorker cartoon pages you're here in 1920s paris wow i don't understand why that would be true this seems very strange wow ronda shear from usa up all night this is amazing wow this is a weird midnight in paris sequel wow harvey kurtzman creator of mad magazine what are you doing here

[1:19] wow so what do we do we've alienated new listeners right off the bat i think we've we've brought them all in what if that new listeners own wilson he's like wow i'm on a podcast wow the flop house i forgot i did this i didn't even remember that i yep yeah and i'll look in the mirror when he does it and then uh he'll be trapped in that mirror

[1:44] yeah yeah wait what come on so uh yeah here at the flop house podcast it's a podcast that you download off the internet okay and then you listen to it with your family or something on a road trip who knows uh thanks for explaining the idea of podcasts to the person who just downloaded one but what do we do on this specific podcast daniel uh on this specific podcast i'm glad you asked elliot kaelin we uh watch a bad movie and then we talk about it

[2:11] and on this episode we watched uss indianapolis men of courage at least most of it i mean we were in the room while it was playing for me i went on a at least one bathroom break it's a long movie this is a two hour and ten minute long movie i don't know that we've ever guys movie together guys we made a whoopsie we shouldn't have watched this movie wow what a whoopsie wow i forgot to mention why we watched this movie why we settle on it because it's cagemas in july

[2:39] it's that special second most special time of year cagemas in july when we celebrate the even lesser works of nicholas cage in the hottest of months july you know they say july i'm not gonna cook an egg on a nicholas cage face uh maybe that's a weird thing to say as i was saying you know they say july is the cagiest month

[3:00] that i guess i should have been a pair of ragged cages scuttling across seas i can't help you out because i don't know this poem it's all t.s elliott stuff yeah uh did he say that april is the coolest month thing dan look it up in your brain box okay i'll take out my box full of brains okay find t.s elliott's look it up to my thinko machine that reads memories wow t.s elliott wow

[3:29] i've got owen wilson's brain wow i'm a movie they saved owen wilson's brain wow thanks for saving my brain wow anyway in our world owen wilson says wow a lot yeah they saw midnight in paris all he does is say wow all movie uh it's a movie i like actually uh so uss indianapolis men of courage if you haven't heard of this movie there's a reason for it it was a big flop

[3:59] uh but it's got an all-star cast nicholas cage tom sizemore thomas jane appears in at least two scenes james remar is james mother scratch and remar who is i don't think we talk about him much on the flop house but he is i think a favorite of ours i would say oh he's so great he i mean you know i don't want to get ahead of myself here guys

[4:18] okay as uh he can come on to this piece of trash and immediately you're like oh wow i might actually be watching a movie for a second yeah and then he waltzes off and we're like oh it's not a movie anymore i like him because his name sounds like james rebar

[4:36] which is that metal stuff that gets stuck through people all the time in action films yeah and it

[4:40] holds your building together yeah i just mostly think about it as the thing that injures people in

[4:44] action they put it into buildings so that it can be propelled out by explosions to get through people

[4:49] or i think of it because that was the name of the bar slash wedding venue that our friend joe got

[4:55] married at and then a couple months later the owners just surprisingly ran away after they'd

[5:00] taken a whole bunch of wedding deposits and all these people were totally fucked because they'd

[5:04] like play in their wedding and uh this fucking dude just bounced with all their cash so if your

[5:10] wedding was ruined by this just write to james remark care of the uss indianapolis

[5:15] one two three bad movie street hollywood california 90210 now uh let's talk about the movie

[5:23] uh this movie is based on a true story specifically the true story that most people know from the

[5:28] monologue that quince tells in jaws about the uss indianapolis the navy ship that delivered

[5:34] the atomic bomb before it was dropped on japan and then was sunk by a japanese torpedo and guys

[5:41] fell out of that boat right into the mouths of some hungry sharks and the men were floating in

[5:45] the water forever while sharks were just nibbling on them now guys i don't want to you know you know

[5:50] uh flex my credentials here being the only please don't flex your credentials the resident torn the

[5:57] only resident and the only resident hoosier okay but i believe it's uh to locals it's known as the

[6:04] uss nap town nap town yeah that's what uh locals call indianapolis is nap town okay didn't why do

[6:12] people take a lot of naps there no because that's if you say indianapolis weird and you remove some

[6:17] of the letters it sounds like nap you think they'd call it like indie no that's for that that's for

[6:23] non-locals okay but locals call it nap town yeah so if you want to be cool just for the rest of

[6:28] this podcast just call it uss wait how many s two s's nap town i think i'm comfortable not being

[6:34] cool dash men of courage okay so seems disrespectful to the hundreds of real men who lost their lives in

[6:42] the shark infested waters but all right nap town it is nap town it is so mario van peeple's directed

[6:48] a movie called uss nap town men of courage uh i'll tell you who wasn't napping these guys were

[6:56] being eaten by sharks they were taking the longest nap the dirt nap but there was nary a dirt to be

[7:01] seen because they were in the water they were buried at sea or more specifically buried inside

[7:07] a shark's belly what's happening are we talking about like the characters okay we didn't talk

[7:13] about it all right so it's 1945 we're nearing the end of world war ii they don't know that

[7:18] but they hope it is and uh there's a sequence where a bunch of men in a dark room basically

[7:23] just tell us what's going on in the world at the moment it's one of those scenes where people the

[7:28] audience needs to be brought up to speed about where in history we are so people tell each other

[7:32] stuff they'd know so guys like look truman's been president for three months and we want the war to

[7:37] end soon we got like they bombed they attacked us at pearl harbor we fought back but they've been

[7:42] fighting back hard too and the other guys in the room should be like yeah we know dude like we've

[7:47] been living through the same time you have the guys like fedoras are very big right now we wear

[7:52] them everywhere everybody's swing dancing as we'll see in a scene later in the movie meanwhile racism

[7:58] continues somebody needs to cut together a an alternate opening to the star wars movie where

[8:04] it just has a bunch of guys sitting around basically reading the opening crawl to each other

[8:08] that's kind of what this was the only thing that would have made this more official if he was like

[8:13] look fellas truman's been in office for three months the war's coming to an end the beatles

[8:17] were just born and in 20 years they're going to change the way we look at pop music but for now

[8:22] we've got to get this a bomb over to japan yeah but it didn't go quite that far anyway they decide

[8:27] they got to deliver this a bomb that's also this is a movie where the manhattan project and the

[8:32] atomic bomb a project so secret that harry truman was not told about it until the president died and

[8:38] he became president everyone seems to know about it so there's a part where nicholas cage is being

[8:43] told you're going to carry a secret device and he goes is this related to the manhattan project sir

[8:49] it's like what was it was he reading in a magazine about it like did he catch something on the news

[8:53] about how the manhattan project was coming along but anyway uh so they decided to have your

[8:58] highlights for kids they figured they'd hide it in there yeah inside that picture where it's like

[9:02] a normal picture but there's lots of little things hidden inside it goofus has become death destroyer

[9:07] of worlds gallant cleans his room gallant decides not to unleash the power of the split atom upon

[9:14] the world but goofus just wants the war to end quickly uh so anyway they're going to deliver

[9:20] the parts for the atomic bomb uh nicholas cage is the commander of the uss indianapolis or as

[9:25] stewart calls it the uss naptown locals and we are very quickly introduced to a bunch of dumb

[9:30] sailor characters there's the guy who has the girlfriend he wants to propose to and she's rich

[9:34] and he feels intimidated by that there's the guy with the girl we have this like really great

[9:39] dancing scene it's like the first time the movie wakes up for a second is they're like hey let's

[9:42] have these people dance they're like let's have them swing dance and every extra in the scene

[9:47] should either be totally too energized or just sitting there staring into space doing nothing

[9:52] nowhere in between please uh but anyway there's a lot of dancing but he also has a friend and

[9:57] it's hard to tell the two of them apart because they really look alike

[10:00] They're just two kind of like beefy, handsomely guys.

[10:04] There's the white guy and the black guy who don't like each other and get into fights

[10:08] and are thrown in the brig.

[10:09] There's the guy who can't swim, who talks about how he can't swim.

[10:14] There's the guy who's in debt and there's the Weasley guy with glasses.

[10:21] Not Kenny Rogers.

[10:22] No, no, no.

[10:23] If only.

[10:24] That is not what I would describe a Weasley guy looking like.

[10:28] No, Kenny Rogers has always struck me as kind of like a really respectable werewolf.

[10:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:33] The guy was a werewolf, but he also was like, he's the richest guy in town and he sponsors

[10:37] the local little league team and the library.

[10:40] Mm-hmm.

[10:41] Mm-hmm.

[10:42] The head werewolf.

[10:43] Yeah, yeah.

[10:44] Yeah.

[10:45] The one that loop guru that you're like, oh, I'll call him by the French name.

[10:49] That's cool.

[10:50] Because he's really classy.

[10:51] Yeah.

[10:52] Well, the guy where it's like, uh, I don't, you know, you shouldn't, you shouldn't be

[10:56] afraid of him because it is a werewolf.

[10:58] You know, he's going to do the right thing.

[10:59] You find out at the end of the movie, though, that he's the werewolf, that he's the one

[11:02] who's been controlling everyone.

[11:03] Like, oh, he doesn't just have a big beard.

[11:04] He's the master werewolf.

[11:05] Yeah, yeah.

[11:06] Is there a movie called Master Werewolf?

[11:08] Also, I think you're thinking of vampires.

[11:10] Yeah, well.

[11:11] I don't know.

[11:12] There's usually a master werewolf, unless like the alpha of the pack.

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:16] And he's just followed by a lot of beta cuck wolves.

[11:18] Oh, man.

[11:19] Always goes back to that.

[11:21] Man, how bad would it be to be a werecuck?

[11:23] No, no.

[11:24] Or at the full moon, you turn into a cuck.

[11:25] That'd be terrible.

[11:26] Mm-hmm.

[11:27] And you're just like, oh, yeah.

[11:29] Yeah.

[11:30] Like my wife.

[11:31] And I'm a globalist who can't stand up for Republican principles.

[11:34] I'm not a true conservative like you are.

[11:36] I'm a statist.

[11:37] But then the rest of the month, you're like, I want to tear down the government.

[11:40] I want to destroy it from the inside.

[11:42] But again, during that full moon, you're like, um.

[11:44] You become the thing you hate.

[11:45] Oh, man, maybe the government does have a role in our lives.

[11:47] And you keep accidentally infecting your bros with globalist beliefs.

[11:51] Yeah, with the idea that people should help each other.

[11:54] Mm-hmm.

[11:55] Anyway, so there's a fight outside a movie theater.

[11:58] And in the scuffle, the guy who wants to propose to his rich girlfriend loses his ring.

[12:02] And it's taken by the Weasley guy.

[12:03] So I do want to point out that somewhere in this process where the guy is talking about how he wants to propose to his girlfriend, he says to his friend, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, which is a quote that is attributed to Wayne Gretzky.

[12:17] Who is not alive at this point, I don't think.

[12:19] He stole it from this sailor.

[12:20] Yeah.

[12:21] There's also a part where – and please, any ladies or men who have an interest in the history of feminine hygiene, there's a part where a guy hurts his hand on the ship.

[12:30] And he goes, oh, I hurt my hand.

[12:32] And they're like, how?

[12:33] Put back your tampon.

[12:35] And it's like I thought they would use like sanitary belts at the time.

[12:38] I don't know if tampons the way we think about them were around in the 40s.

[12:43] I mean it's popular enough that just like regular guys are making jokes of it.

[12:47] Yeah, yeah.

[12:48] That a guy in the 40s has any idea what's going on in a woman's vagina when he's not in it is astounding.

[12:54] Guys, I'm off work this week.

[12:56] Let's go down to the Menstruation Museum and figure this thing out.

[12:58] There's a Menstruation Museum?

[13:00] There's got to be.

[13:01] So I guess take a personal day for that, Elliot.

[13:04] It's right next to the Museum of Sexes, the Museum of No Sex Tonight.

[13:07] Anyway.

[13:10] Yeah, yeah.

[13:12] That's the no sex ever.

[13:15] Just kidding.

[13:16] Just kidding.

[13:17] We love anime.

[13:18] JK, JK, JK.

[13:19] They have sex with tentacles all the time.

[13:21] Anyway, so – and there's also this rich lieutenant who's a real asshole and nobody likes him who's working under Nicolas Cage.

[13:27] Wait, he's rich and an asshole?

[13:29] Yes.

[13:30] Okay.

[13:31] I don't know science fiction.

[13:32] You can sell it to me then.

[13:34] You're going to take some interesting acting choices.

[13:37] And there's also a guy who's writing a book.

[13:39] And we know this because he always has his moleskin out and he's always scribbling it.

[13:42] Yeah, he's like fucking underwater scribbling it.

[13:44] Yeah, he's got his magic moleskin with apparently water-retardant paper.

[13:49] Now, what kind of British children's cartoon would that be, the magic moleskin?

[13:53] Would it be about kids who write in a magic book where things come to life if they write about them?

[13:58] I think Dan's just particularly mad because every time he's working on his moleskin in the shower, it just falls to pieces.

[14:05] Dan, I told you not to do any of your bath time writing sessions.

[14:08] I'm trying to draw my penis.

[14:10] He's like Monday, Monday engorgement diary.

[14:17] I can only draw myself when I'm glistening wet.

[14:21] You saw that self-portrait Bush did of himself in the shower, and you're like, I want to do that.

[14:26] I thought he was in the bath.

[14:27] He's in the bath.

[14:28] He did a bath one and one where he's looking like in the mirror in the bathroom, I guess.

[14:32] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[14:34] Look, you and George W. Bush have a lot in common.

[14:37] You were both terrible presidents.

[14:39] You love doing art in the bathroom.

[14:41] You're the kind of guy I just want to have a beer with, you know?

[14:44] You're doing it right now, dude.

[14:45] Am I the kind of guy that I want to have a beer with?

[14:47] You're like George W. Bush.

[14:49] You're like the kind of guy I'd want to have a beer with.

[14:51] Yeah, I guess we've had beers together, so that checks out.

[14:53] Yeah, dude, like for a million years.

[14:56] Yeah, since the dawn of the ape man.

[14:59] Anyway, there's a bunch of stories.

[15:00] The dawn of the planet of the apes.

[15:02] That's the name of a movie, Dan.

[15:04] Let's get through this piece of garbage movie.

[15:06] I just want to say one thing.

[15:08] Normally on this podcast, we would try to get through most of the plot.

[15:12] Here's the thing.

[15:13] There's a bunch of little plot threads of different characters.

[15:16] Let's not bother with them.

[15:17] This is a very old-fashioned movie in two ways.

[15:20] One, it's a very old-fashioned kind of like a bunch of different plot lines, and then they all have to deal with the same disaster.

[15:28] In this case, the disaster is a ship that sinks and sharks.

[15:31] It's also old-fashioned that the special effects in it look like 90s CD-ROM game level.

[15:37] Like these are sub-sci-fi channel level effects with some of the most CGI-ist ships and planes and torpedoes and sharks.

[15:46] It was like every now and then you were like, wait a minute.

[15:49] Was World War II about America versus reboot?

[15:51] Like was that – hold on a second.

[15:53] Were the Axis powers declaring war on the Money for Nothing video?

[15:57] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[15:58] When they shoot the missiles at their ship, they're like, somebody just get Judge Doom to pour dip all over that thing.

[16:07] So the point is they're all on this ship.

[16:08] They're delivering the atomic bombs.

[16:10] Meanwhile – or atomic bomb parts.

[16:12] Yeah, uranium.

[16:13] You can get them at Bomb Depot.

[16:14] Meanwhile, uranium?

[16:17] I thought it was myranium.

[16:18] No.

[16:19] Classic uranium joke.

[16:21] You got to believe Oppenheimer and Fermi were telling that one all the time.

[16:24] Uranus?

[16:25] I thought it was my anus.

[16:26] You'd know if it was your anus.

[16:28] I mean you must have stuck a lot of ice up that thing that's so numb you can't tell if it's yours anymore or not.

[16:35] Who told you?

[16:37] Sorry.

[16:38] Anyway, so meanwhile, they say, we'll have our escort of destroyer ships, right?

[16:46] And they go, no, this is a secret mission.

[16:47] We don't want to draw attention.

[16:48] You're going unescorted all the way to the Philippines to deliver this bomb.

[16:54] And they go, what?

[16:55] It's just us against the world?

[16:56] It seems crazy, but –

[16:57] James Remar tells Nicolas Cage this.

[16:59] In a conference room on the ship, while someone is using a blowtorch to attach a metal box of some kind to the wall, I don't know what they're doing.

[17:10] I literally have no idea.

[17:11] I think that might be the radioactive material.

[17:13] I think they've got like a lead box that they're carrying the material in.

[17:16] But they also have these huge crates that they're – and then why would they store it in the conference room?

[17:20] I think they're too – well, I don't understand.

[17:22] And then why isn't Nicolas Cage, the cop to the ship, like, hey, tell me again why they're attaching that metal box to the wall right over there?

[17:29] You don't need to know that.

[17:30] It's so Superman can't see through it.

[17:32] At one point, he's like, this ship is now under the direct control of the president.

[17:37] And I'm like, maybe it's like a phone that the president can use.

[17:40] Yeah, I don't think so though.

[17:42] They never use it.

[17:43] He calls up and he's just like, hey, what's going on?

[17:45] I think they might –

[17:46] I just want to talk.

[17:47] It's lonely at the top.

[17:48] Wow.

[17:49] It's me, President Owen Wilson.

[17:51] Wow.

[17:52] It's 1945.

[17:53] Wow.

[17:54] That's a good president.

[17:55] Wow.

[17:56] Joe DiMaggio.

[17:57] You're still playing baseball now.

[17:59] I'm just thinking about the 1945 things.

[18:04] Wow.

[18:06] I'm so happy that The Lost Weekend came out a few years ago.

[18:11] Wow.

[18:12] Or maybe it's this year.

[18:13] Casablanca probably.

[18:14] That was a couple years earlier.

[18:16] But wow.

[18:18] Stewart's parents are going to be born in a few years.

[18:21] Can't wait for Stewart's folks to be born.

[18:24] Wow.

[18:25] Hey, wow.

[18:28] All right, Mr. President.

[18:31] I got to go.

[18:32] Wow.

[18:33] Hey, I can't wait for Spider-Man to come out 18 years from now.

[18:37] Amazing Spider-Man number one.

[18:39] I know his first appearance will be 17 years from now in Amazing Fantasy number 15.

[18:43] Wow.

[18:45] Remind me to get one of those, but don't let my mom throw it out.

[18:48] Mr. President, why does your mom keep your comic book collection?

[18:51] Wow, I live at home.

[18:53] Wow.

[18:54] I don't know why President Owen Wilson lives at home.

[18:58] Yeah.

[18:59] It seems like between being a president and also being a movie star.

[19:05] And a grown-up.

[19:06] Let's just say it.

[19:07] A grown-ass man.

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:09] Yeah, we can say that.

[19:10] Okay.

[19:11] So their ship was hit in the beginning.

[19:13] They bring on a new complement of sailors.

[19:15] Nicolas Cage tells them, hey, I'm your captain.

[19:18] Without me, you're nothing.

[19:19] But without you, I'm nothing.

[19:21] So let's work together.

[19:22] He's like, I'm the captain now.

[19:23] Yeah, yeah.

[19:24] But he says it with like a machete in his hand or something.

[19:26] Yeah.

[19:27] Meanwhile, there's a Japanese sub that is patrolling the waters that they're going to go through.

[19:34] Yep.

[19:35] And it's run by a commander, Hashimoto I think his name was.

[19:38] If not, you're just being racist.

[19:42] I mean, it might have been a different Japanese name.

[19:44] That's a perfectly good guess.

[19:46] I think that's what it was.

[19:47] He's a character introduced to us when looking in the mirror and he has a conversation with his ghost ancestor.

[19:53] Yeah, who tells him – well, we should just say.

[19:55] Well, one, Dan.

[19:56] I would be racist if I was like, yeah, I guess his name is Nissan Godzilla.

[20:00] That would be racist.

[20:01] If he basically said any of the lines

[20:03] that Piston Honda would say in the Punch-Out video game.

[20:07] Yep, I think that counts, yeah, it's racist.

[20:10] Anyway, so, Nicholas Cage explains

[20:13] that the Japanese have a new type of torpedo

[20:15] called a kaitan, kaitan, which was a real thing,

[20:19] which is a manually guided torpedo.

[20:22] It's like a kamikaze flight, but underwater.

[20:24] It's a torpedo with a dude in it,

[20:26] and he steers it towards the ship,

[20:27] so it's harder to avoid it.

[20:29] Apparently, they would drive it for a while,

[20:31] and then when they get close to their target,

[20:33] they would surface and be like, oh, there's the boat,

[20:36] and then they'd go back underwater and hit the boat.

[20:38] Yeah, I don't think they could see anything very well

[20:40] from where they were.

[20:42] It's not like they have a little targeting computer

[20:44] like in Star Wars or something.

[20:45] Well, they turn off that thing, and they just use the force.

[20:47] No kidding?

[20:48] Yeah, their ancestor tells them,

[20:49] use the force, Japanese naval guy.

[20:52] Sure.

[20:53] And he's-

[20:54] The Japanese naval guy's like,

[20:55] why are you calling me Japanese naval guy?

[20:58] You're Japanese, too.

[21:00] To you, I'm just a naval guy.

[21:03] You should know my name.

[21:04] You're my ancestor.

[21:06] And the ancestor's like, if I just call you naval guy,

[21:08] it makes it sound like you're a guy

[21:10] obsessed with belly buttons,

[21:11] so I thought I needed to specify a little bit.

[21:13] That's weird.

[21:14] I could still be a Japanese guy

[21:15] obsessed with belly buttons.

[21:17] You're right.

[21:18] Oh, this is, use your targeting computer.

[21:20] You know what?

[21:21] You're accusing me.

[21:22] I'm about to die.

[21:23] I shouldn't have been drinking

[21:23] before I came to advise you.

[21:25] Just use your targeting computer.

[21:28] With this, now I just want to think of things

[21:31] where it's Star Wars, but it's also the Japanese Navy.

[21:33] It's like, put this blast shield down.

[21:35] I can't see the ships.

[21:38] Anyway, Nicolas Cage explains these things.

[21:41] It's a lot harder to avoid them

[21:42] using the standard zigzag pattern.

[21:44] Hashimoto, every time he sends a man out

[21:46] in one of those torpedoes, he feels guilty about it,

[21:49] and his hit rate is very low.

[21:50] And so, while they're going across the ocean,

[21:53] both of these guys, we see them,

[21:55] notice that the Japanese see a ship ahead of them,

[21:58] and he decides he will fire one of the Kaitan torpedoes.

[22:00] Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage is like,

[22:01] battle stations, everyone.

[22:03] Move, move, move, load those guns.

[22:04] Ah, move, move, move.

[22:05] And they fire the torpedo.

[22:08] A guy has to get in it.

[22:09] He's dead no matter what happens.

[22:10] Whether they hit the ship or not, he's dying.

[22:12] And it turns out, oh, it was a merchant ship,

[22:16] and they missed it.

[22:17] And then Nicolas Cage is like,

[22:19] great work with the drill, everybody.

[22:20] We're doing great.

[22:21] Get back to your stations.

[22:23] And so it's like, wait a minute, movie.

[22:24] You cut together a ship and a submarine

[22:27] in two totally different places,

[22:29] and then you made us think

[22:30] that they were in a battle together?

[22:32] That was a Dirty Pool movie.

[22:33] That was Dirty Pool.

[22:34] We just watched, for our live Alamo show,

[22:37] we just watched Stolen, which pulls the same trick.

[22:40] Like, it's another Nicolas Cage movie

[22:42] where the cops are like running into a building

[22:45] that you think that Nicolas Cage is in,

[22:47] and it turns out it's just a separate building.

[22:49] And it's like, you know,

[22:51] it's the technique that was most famously, I think,

[22:53] used in Silence of the Lambs,

[22:55] where they think that they're-

[22:55] The movie where two ships were in a fight?

[22:57] Well, they think that they're going

[22:58] into Buffalo Bill's house, and it's not.

[23:00] And it turns out to be Bill O'Buffs.

[23:02] Bill O'Buffs, Bill O'Reilly's nude cousin.

[23:09] Oh, gross.

[23:11] But he doesn't look like him, does he?

[23:12] No, he looks just like him.

[23:14] Oh, so many folds.

[23:17] But in Stolen, we are being fooled

[23:20] the same way the police are being fooled.

[23:22] Nicolas Cage is deliberately doing that.

[23:23] Here, the movie's just jerking us around.

[23:26] Because, hey, you know what else happens

[23:28] on this dangerous mission to the Philippines

[23:30] to deliver the atom bomb parts?

[23:32] Nothing.

[23:33] They get there very fast, in record time, they say,

[23:35] and deliver it.

[23:36] Which was great for us, because we're like,

[23:38] oh man, this movie's gonna go super fast, I hope, now.

[23:41] Yep, we were wrong.

[23:42] Because now they have to turn around and go back,

[23:44] also without an escort.

[23:45] Because an escort might tip people off

[23:47] to the fact that, hey, this ship went to the Philippines,

[23:50] why'd it do that?

[23:52] And people might look into it

[23:53] and find out there's A-bombs a-poppin'.

[23:54] So, they're going off.

[23:55] Long story short, they do get hit

[23:58] by a Japanese torpedo this time.

[24:00] Their ship sinks, and it takes forever for it to sink.

[24:03] And they basically rip off the whole sinking from Titanic.

[24:07] The boat tilts, it cracks in half,

[24:09] people fall off of it and bump into things on the way down.

[24:11] I mean, luckily the special effects are worse,

[24:13] so that was pretty hilarious.

[24:14] And I imagine James Cameron is watching this movie

[24:17] because he loves things about the sea,

[24:18] and he's like, wait a minute, this is just like Titanic.

[24:20] Let me call my lawyer, and he dials every,

[24:23] he dies, because he's so mad.

[24:25] And the world mourns the director of Avatar.

[24:28] And True Lies, and Piranha 2.

[24:30] And he's dialing the numbers,

[24:32] and as he's about to hit the last digit,

[24:34] he notices how bad the special effects are,

[24:35] and he goes, hmm, never mind.

[24:37] And he just hangs up the phone.

[24:38] And he's like, I'm gonna sue them

[24:40] for every penny of profit they make.

[24:45] So, you're gonna have to pay us negative $39 million.

[24:48] Oh, what?

[24:49] And James Cameron tools off in his submarine.

[24:51] In his bathysphere, yep.

[24:54] Man, that guy loves space.

[24:56] He loves underwater.

[24:57] What doesn't he love?

[24:58] He's the Earth.

[24:59] He's one of the world's last pioneers.

[25:01] He's one of the world's last pioneers, yeah.

[25:02] Yeah, terra firma, not for him, yeah.

[25:04] Yeah, terra no firma, thank you.

[25:07] So, this movie, so then everybody's falling off of it,

[25:11] and there's a lot of explosions and stuff.

[25:13] Nicolas Cage tries to go down with his ship,

[25:15] but he gets blasted off by an explosion into the water,

[25:18] and a shark zooms past him.

[25:20] And watching these explosions,

[25:22] the thought I had, and I ran it by you guys,

[25:23] was that it felt like I was watching

[25:25] the Six Flags World War II stunt show.

[25:28] Yeah, yeah.

[25:30] I mean, the movie was not super low budget.

[25:32] According to Wikipedia, it cost $40 million,

[25:34] but it looks-

[25:35] Well, what I wouldn't do with $40 million.

[25:37] I could buy like 40 million foot-long-

[25:39] What wouldn't you do?

[25:40] I mean, I would pay for-

[25:41] Foot-longs, those are $5.

[25:42] I could buy eight million foot-longs

[25:44] from Super Subway.

[25:44] I'd pay for Tom Sizemore

[25:45] to talk to me about sharks all day long.

[25:47] That's what he does.

[25:49] He has his monologue about sharks, right?

[25:51] That's a decent little scene.

[25:52] Which is the best part in the movie,

[25:54] is Tom Sizemore's just scaring a bunch of guys

[25:56] by talking about how mean sharks are

[25:57] if they fall in the water.

[26:00] That was the one monologue in it

[26:02] where I was like, okay, that's a good moment.

[26:03] Is it as good as Quint's monologue in Jaws,

[26:06] which tells the story of this movie?

[26:08] No.

[26:08] Which is an iconic monologue in all of cinema history?

[26:11] No, it's not as good as that.

[26:12] Yeah, it's not just an iconic moment

[26:14] in some of cinema history.

[26:16] Essentially, you just had to mention

[26:17] it was all of cinema history.

[26:20] That seems like a really small thing to catch me on,

[26:23] but I guess you're correct.

[26:24] I'll catch you if I can, and I could.

[26:25] He's got you.

[26:26] Hey, look, the Al Capone got caught on tax evasion, dude.

[26:28] So deal with it, you're going to movie jail.

[26:31] Were the submarine scenes

[26:32] as good as the scenes from Das Boot?

[26:34] I would not say that.

[26:35] Okay.

[26:36] I would say the submarine scenes

[26:37] were at least as good as any of the cut scenes

[26:39] in the GoldenEye video game.

[26:41] Okay.

[26:42] But you didn't get to run around a submarine

[26:43] or a warehouse throwing mines down

[26:46] and waiting for your friends to bump into them.

[26:47] That's the best part.

[26:48] To explode.

[26:49] That or playing, what, Slappers only?

[26:52] Yeah.

[26:52] No odd job, no odd job.

[26:54] No, no, you don't want to be odd job

[26:56] if it's just Slappers, you can't reach anybody.

[26:58] Yeah, that's trash, dude.

[26:59] Or it's just you're playing Golden Gun.

[27:00] No, it's-

[27:01] You just hole up and shoot people as they walk by.

[27:03] Yeah, yeah, that's great.

[27:04] What a game.

[27:05] What a great game.

[27:05] Dan, why don't we watch that?

[27:07] Why don't we watch footage of us playing GoldenEye

[27:10] in college?

[27:10] Not the movie, which is fine, but the video game.

[27:13] I don't have GoldenEye.

[27:15] That's probably among,

[27:17] that's probably first among many reasons

[27:19] why we didn't watch GoldenEye.

[27:20] That's actually a pretty good argument.

[27:20] That's a fair reason.

[27:21] That's a very good reason.

[27:22] Okay, so-

[27:23] Or it's because you're a Leon's Cossack traitor.

[27:26] Okay.

[27:27] Isn't that what Sean Bean is in that movie?

[27:30] Sure.

[27:30] You guys fucking saw GoldenEye.

[27:32] Don't look at me like I'm a maniac.

[27:32] I haven't seen GoldenEye in so long.

[27:34] I saw GoldenEye when it was released.

[27:36] I think that was the only time I saw GoldenEye.

[27:37] What is up with this GoldenEye liking denial over here?

[27:41] You love that shit.

[27:42] I'm not saying I didn't like it.

[27:44] Certainly up to that point,

[27:45] it was the best James Bond movie

[27:47] I'd ever seen in the theater,

[27:48] but I think I'd only seen License to Kill

[27:49] in the theater before that.

[27:52] I don't buy it.

[27:53] I think you guys are gaslighting me

[27:55] into thinking that GoldenEye isn't awesome.

[27:59] It's fine.

[28:00] Dan, why are you looking at me weird?

[28:03] Is that a tacit agreement?

[28:04] Sure.

[28:05] GoldenEye is fucking great.

[28:07] Pre-Casino Royale, GoldenEye was a lot higher in my esteem.

[28:11] I don't remember it super well in all the details because-

[28:14] Well, Robbie Coltrane's in it, right?

[28:16] Who's Robbie Coltrane playing it?

[28:17] He plays the Russian guy.

[28:19] Yeah, he does.

[28:20] I do remember that.

[28:21] I barely remember.

[28:22] I gotta watch the movie.

[28:23] He's the Russian guy at the level of the video game

[28:24] that's really hard to do

[28:25] because a bunch of dudes try and kill you.

[28:26] Oh, I remember that one.

[28:27] Okay.

[28:28] It's weird that my memories of the game

[28:30] are so much stronger than my memories of the movie.

[28:31] I remember Xenia on a top.

[28:32] Yeah, it's kind of eerie how well the N64 graphics

[28:37] captured the rugged features of Robbie Coltrane.

[28:41] And they really got across how Pierce Brosnan's face

[28:43] is made out of three flat planes with a nose drawn on them.

[28:49] I changed my mind.

[28:50] GoldenEye sucks.

[28:51] The game, not the movie.

[28:52] Just kidding, the game's great.

[28:53] Okay, so the sinking scene takes forever,

[28:56] which leads us to the endless scenes of characters

[29:00] bobbing around in the ocean as sharks eat them.

[29:02] Now, this could be exciting.

[29:04] These people are sitting ducks for sharks,

[29:06] or sitting cucks, rather, for alpha sharks.

[29:10] And, I mean, if Owen Wilson's watching this,

[29:11] he's like, wow, how are they gonna get out of this one?

[29:14] Wow.

[29:15] But the movie is so slow,

[29:17] and it takes it so much for granted

[29:19] that we would rather see these characters

[29:20] mumble to each other, at times nearly incomprehensibly,

[29:24] than watch them be eaten by sharks or escape from sharks.

[29:27] Here's some actual sample dialogue from this movie.

[29:30] Mouth is jammed with mouth.

[29:35] My world just, mouth is jammed with mouth.

[29:38] It's like Boomhauer did all the ADR for the movie.

[29:42] I wonder how much, let's do some real talk here, guys.

[29:45] Okay, fine, you know what, let's get real.

[29:47] Let's have a little rap session.

[29:48] Okay, let's have a real, like, night calls.

[29:50] Yeah.

[29:52] How much of this do you think was,

[29:54] so, like, this is a story that is,

[29:57] this is a, this is based on a true story.

[30:00] and the survivors of this incident,

[30:03] there are some that are still alive.

[30:05] Like, and in no way are we throwing any shade

[30:09] toward the fucking dudes who lost their lives

[30:12] in this thing.

[30:13] That's insane.

[30:13] This is a horrifying real thing that happened.

[30:15] Anyone who survived it, I'm amazed,

[30:17] and my heart goes out to the people who didn't survive it

[30:19] and their families.

[30:20] They certainly deserve a better movie.

[30:22] A much better movie.

[30:24] That being said, let's skip ahead.

[30:25] They have some brief interview clips

[30:27] at the very end of the movie of real survivors,

[30:29] and one of the guys has the funniest thing he says,

[30:32] where he's like, it's not the funniest.

[30:34] Maybe it's just funny after watching the movie.

[30:36] There's almost no interviews at the end.

[30:38] It's totally tacked on right at the end to be like,

[30:41] hey, these guys were there for a reason.

[30:43] It's like 45 seconds worth of interviews.

[30:44] It's almost like, for a moment,

[30:46] they accidentally cut in a feed of the DVD extras,

[30:49] and then they're like, oh shit, the button's all greasy.

[30:51] I can't turn it off.

[30:52] Okay, great, I turned it off.

[30:54] But this guy says like, I was there and I saw,

[30:57] after seeing so many men get eaten by sharks,

[31:00] I could never like sharks.

[31:01] I just think they're terrible.

[31:03] And I love it because one, it's like real hot take, dude,

[31:08] because everyone else thinks sharks are amazing,

[31:10] and we want to kiss them, I guess.

[31:12] But also, there was something about the way he said it

[31:14] where it was like, he's like,

[31:16] just that vindictiveness against sharks

[31:18] as if they were a person.

[31:21] I can only imagine that years ago,

[31:24] his grandson came to him holding a trapper keeper

[31:27] with the string sharks emblazoned upon it.

[31:30] And he was slabbering.

[31:33] He saw an episode of Jabberjaw on television.

[31:35] He's like, sharks don't play fucking drums.

[31:38] Yeah, you better get out of that band.

[31:39] That shark's gonna eat you and your friends.

[31:41] One day, his daughter brought home her new boyfriend.

[31:45] You don't deserve respect, Jabberjaw.

[31:47] One day, his daughter, would you eat Curly?

[31:50] Is that what you sound like him?

[31:52] His daughter brought home her new boyfriend,

[31:54] and he was a shark.

[31:56] And he just got real mad like,

[31:57] I'm not no finheads marrying into my family.

[32:00] You get that gill breather out of here

[32:02] with his three rows of teeth.

[32:03] And she's like, dad, the war's over.

[32:06] You can't say those things anymore.

[32:08] Sharks and humans are at peace now.

[32:10] Now wait, were the jets the Puerto Rican gang

[32:13] or the sharks?

[32:14] The sharks were the Puerto Rican gang.

[32:15] Okay.

[32:16] The jets were the white gang.

[32:17] Okay, so this old man could also have been racist.

[32:22] I mean, it's possible,

[32:23] because when you're a jet, you're a jet all the way,

[32:25] from your first cigarette to your last dying day.

[32:27] And he did say he, if you poke a shark in the eyes,

[32:30] it doesn't like it.

[32:31] That's a notably human trait.

[32:34] He says if you punch a shark in the eye,

[32:36] it hurts it and it swims away.

[32:38] And he says it as if this is like a secret weak point

[32:41] that no other animal gets hurt by being punched in the eye.

[32:43] I hate to be coming down so hard on this old man,

[32:45] who again, survived a truly frightening

[32:48] and harrowing situation.

[32:50] In truth, he brought us a moment of joy,

[32:53] but it's otherwise a slog of a movie.

[32:55] A dreary slog.

[32:56] I feel like that life hack,

[32:59] like it really deserves its place in a,

[33:01] when you're scrolling down Facebook

[33:03] and something pops up, that's like a life hack,

[33:05] it should be poke a shark in the eye,

[33:08] it'll thrash around.

[33:09] Well, I'll tell you something,

[33:10] if I encounter a shark tomorrow

[33:12] while I'm walking down the street,

[33:14] I'm certainly going to punch it in the eye.

[33:15] What if it's a friendly shark?

[33:17] What if it's a shark that's asking you directions?

[33:19] Elliot, you-

[33:19] Dude, asking for directions is the first way

[33:21] a shark's going to attack you.

[33:23] I'm just saying you shouldn't-

[33:24] I got out of the movies last night

[33:26] and this motherfucker asked me

[33:27] where the Barclays Center is.

[33:28] Like, dude, that is the oldest shit in the book.

[33:31] You know where the Barclays Center is, guy.

[33:33] Well, it can't be the oldest shit in the book.

[33:34] The Barclays Center's only been around

[33:35] for like five years.

[33:36] Yeah, but it used to be Madison Square Garden,

[33:38] and I'm like-

[33:39] No, it didn't.

[33:40] I'm sick.

[33:41] The Barclays Center didn't used to be

[33:42] Madison Square Garden.

[33:43] No, I mean the line used to be.

[33:43] Oh, I see, okay.

[33:44] I'm sick of your SJW stuff,

[33:46] your shark justice warrior nonsense.

[33:48] Hey, Dan, look,

[33:51] just because you don't recognize the sharks

[33:54] for what they are and the contributions they bring,

[33:58] you know, I don't even like going down this route

[34:00] because it makes me feel like I'm making fun of people

[34:03] who do need, who actually need implementation.

[34:06] I think that I just barely skirted being problematic

[34:10] by making that original joke.

[34:11] No, I think you dove straight into that hole.

[34:13] Yeah.

[34:14] No, you can be charitable to yourself.

[34:16] No, no, keep digging, Dan.

[34:17] Anyway, so I apologize to everybody still,

[34:19] and I apologize to that old man.

[34:20] So that old man, that old man's great.

[34:22] That old man who, again, World War II veteran,

[34:24] helped us deliver the atomic bomb parts for Jews.

[34:26] Fucking star of the movie, by all accounts,

[34:28] he was the most entertaining part of the movie.

[34:30] And this is a movie with Nicolas Cage in it.

[34:32] Yeah.

[34:33] Nicolas Cage spends most of the movie sopping wet,

[34:35] just sitting on the edge of a raft,

[34:38] kind of mumbly and unhappy,

[34:39] and everybody's just kind of bobbing in the water.

[34:42] Tom Jane appears as kind of a cocky rescue pilot.

[34:45] He barely has these scenes in the movie.

[34:47] It's terrible.

[34:48] There's a moment where he waves at Nicolas Cage,

[34:50] and oh, the stories those guys could tell each other.

[34:53] There's a brief moment of recognition

[34:55] between the two of them, like,

[34:56] yep, we're in this one.

[34:59] You getting a check?

[35:00] Yeah, I'm getting a check.

[35:01] Well, all right, my fellow brother in arms.

[35:04] Like, there's a little moment of samurai honor

[35:06] between the two of them.

[35:07] I wonder if, when they're getting coffee in between takes,

[35:11] if they're like, yeah, are you doing that killer monkey movie

[35:16] next week?

[35:16] No, I pass on that.

[35:18] Like, oh, yeah, I gotta do this killer monkey movie.

[35:20] Oh, damn, no, Cusack's doing that.

[35:22] Oh, okay, fine, all right, I'll do Cusack.

[35:23] Oh, yeah, he's always snaking us on that one.

[35:25] No, I'm doing the snake one.

[35:27] Which one of us, are we?

[35:30] You're gonna do that movie

[35:32] where we kidnap the president's daughter, right?

[35:34] But we're good guys?

[35:35] Yeah, yeah, we're both gonna do that movie.

[35:36] Okay, great.

[35:37] Is it a comedy or is it a drama?

[35:39] And Tom Jane's like,

[35:40] I think we're gonna figure that out on the set.

[35:43] Kind of depends how we play it.

[35:44] Nicolas Cage is like, good point, Tom, good point.

[35:46] Anyway, I think there's just like a club

[35:48] that's Nicolas Cage and Tom Jane and John Cusack

[35:51] and like, who else would be in that?

[35:55] I'm trying to think of like,

[35:56] who else would be like an A-list person

[35:58] who has gotten to that point.

[35:59] Like an A-list who does a lot of junk.

[36:01] Yeah.

[36:02] I mean, some, like Drew Dench, I guess, I don't know.

[36:04] I feel like Josh Lucas is in a lot of bad movies, too.

[36:08] Yeah, yeah, they all have this,

[36:09] they have this group that I wanna think

[36:10] they call the B-list squad, the A-list B-listers.

[36:13] And they're like all A-list actors

[36:16] who find themselves in a lot of B-list movies

[36:18] for various reasons.

[36:18] And Nicolas Cage is, of course, the president of the club.

[36:21] Maybe Thomas Jane is the vice president.

[36:24] Yeah, for a while I thought F. Murray Abraham

[36:26] would be in that club,

[36:27] but you know, he found some lucrative TV work, you know?

[36:29] He might be in that club.

[36:30] I mean, people pass in and out of the club is the thing.

[36:34] But anyway, so,

[36:35] they're bobbing around in the water for a long time.

[36:38] Yep.

[36:39] The Japanese sub goes home.

[36:42] 50 minutes of this movie, at least,

[36:44] is just them bobbing around in the water.

[36:46] Yeah, just occasionally being eaten by a shark,

[36:49] usually mumbling to each other.

[36:50] Everyone in this movie, it's either mumbles

[36:53] or it's just hard to hear them over the sounds.

[36:55] There's a point where-

[36:56] I mean, the water is a color of brown

[36:58] that is indicative of being close to shore.

[37:01] Yeah.

[37:02] You're saying that level of silt and dirt

[37:04] right on the surface doesn't usually indicate

[37:06] the middle of the ocean?

[37:09] There's a part where, the dialogue's so hard to hear,

[37:11] there's a part in the movie

[37:12] where Thomas James' co-pilot yells something

[37:14] and it sounds like he's going,

[37:15] God damn it, sandwich!

[37:16] And I was like, God damn it, sandwich?

[37:19] And Dan goes, that's what I heard.

[37:20] It's just like, so much of the movie

[37:25] feels like a bad lip flap video.

[37:29] Or bad lip read, what's it called?

[37:30] Bad lip reading?

[37:31] Yeah, I think that's right.

[37:33] So anyway, eventually, they're rescued

[37:35] and the war is over because, newsflash,

[37:38] we dropped two atomic bombs on Japan

[37:40] and Japan did not want us to drop

[37:42] any more atomic bombs on it,

[37:43] which is a reasonable position.

[37:46] Nobody likes having atomic bombs dropped on them.

[37:49] Yeah, they wrote a note to the U.S. saying,

[37:51] Dear U.S., please, fewer atomic bombs.

[37:54] Love, Japan.

[37:55] Love, Japan.

[37:56] P.S., we mean it.

[37:57] Please stop.

[37:58] By fewer, we mean no more, please.

[38:00] So most of the main characters are saved.

[38:03] Tom Sizemore lost a leg that he was cradling for a while

[38:07] and then he died.

[38:08] Yeah.

[38:09] So we think the movie's done.

[38:10] And the guy who was gonna marry his girlfriend,

[38:12] he dies too, right?

[38:14] Yeah, he got a little shark bit on the leg.

[38:15] But his friend gets the ring back

[38:17] from the guy who took it.

[38:19] From Gollum.

[38:19] And he marries the girlfriend.

[38:21] In a scene where this guy delivers his sad story

[38:28] and his cry moment, like he's in a completely

[38:31] different movie, like he's expecting

[38:32] to be showered in gold.

[38:35] This is, he thinks for a moment,

[38:37] am I Oscar Schindler wishing I could have saved,

[38:39] wondering why I didn't save more people?

[38:41] Yeah, that's the scene I'm doing.

[38:42] Okay.

[38:43] And it's like, and the other actor is-

[38:46] Do you think director Mario Van Peebles

[38:47] was like, play it bigger.

[38:51] Probably. Play it bigger, buddy.

[38:52] I mean, I just assume that he was trying

[38:54] to write himself into a Flintstones cartoon

[38:55] as Mario Van Peebles.

[38:56] Yeah, all right.

[38:58] And how old am I to that joke, or?

[39:00] It's the way that scene's-

[39:01] Yeah, yeah, what's gonna happen there?

[39:03] Hey, look, there's only so many Mario Van Peebles jokes

[39:05] to make, no one remembers the movie Solo,

[39:07] so that was the one where he was an action star, right?

[39:10] No, I was going to say Solo,

[39:11] and you fucking beat me to it.

[39:13] What other movies was he in, dude?

[39:15] Jaws 4, The Revenge.

[39:17] No, I know.

[39:19] That's where he got his taste for shark movies.

[39:21] Yeah.

[39:22] What was, yeah.

[39:24] Yeah, just like a shark has a taste for blood,

[39:25] Mario Van Peebles has a taste for shark movies.

[39:28] He comes strutting on the stage,

[39:29] he's an old hand at shark movies.

[39:32] What was the movie where he was like a cowboy?

[39:36] I mean, he was in Highlander 3.

[39:38] Yeah, that's true.

[39:39] What was that, The New Dimension or something?

[39:40] Yeah, his name is Kane in that movie.

[39:43] Sure, of course it is, yeah.

[39:46] No, I remember the western you're talking about,

[39:48] but I don't remember the name of it.

[39:49] I'm probably like Shark Boys,

[39:50] and they ride sharks instead of horses.

[39:51] That makes sense.

[39:52] Yeah.

[39:53] Okay, so.

[39:54] So anyway, they get rescued,

[39:57] their lives seem to be back to normal.

[40:00] Guy gives a tearful return of the ring in a scene where it feels like Mario Van Peebles was telling the guy bigger, bigger, and then telling the guy who was listening to the story, smaller, smaller.

[40:08] As the guy lying in bed listening to the story, it's almost like you can see on his face just, how much longer is this, when am I going to be done with this scene, let's just get this over with.

[40:17] The two guys, the black guy and the white guy who hated each other and were in the brig because they were in a fight, now they're besties because they shared a raft together, and they're best of friends, real defiant ones, subplot.

[40:28] It's very much like the Donald Logue subplot in the movie The Patriot, except I guess it isn't as racist as that was it.

[40:35] That was like the classic reformed racist character in a historical movie. You know what I'm talking about, right? The movie The Patriot, with Mel Gibson.

[40:45] A movie that my dad really liked because the costumes seemed authentic.

[40:48] Yeah, my dad really liked it because he thought the cannonballs moved in a realistic way.

[40:55] They moved in a realistic way, like they didn't sashay or what is the...

[40:58] What, the cannonballs?

[40:59] Yeah.

[41:00] No, that like, that like, they actually like lined up and then they bounced, like the cannonballs bounced as opposed to like reacted like they were mortar shells.

[41:09] Because cannonballs didn't like, they don't land and explode, they bounce and like fuck everything up.

[41:14] Yeah, they hit you.

[41:15] Yeah.

[41:16] Okay.

[41:16] It's like a giant metal ball, not...

[41:18] They're like gummy bears.

[41:19] I mean, they have...

[41:19] They bounce around.

[41:21] Yeah, here and there and everywhere.

[41:22] Yeah, I think gummy bears were inspired by real life cannonballs and the wreckage they created.

[41:27] There was somebody who was fighting in the Revolutionary War, maybe the Civil War,

[41:33] saw a cannonball bouncing and as it flew towards him right before in consciousness he said,

[41:40] what if that was a bear who gains magic bouncing powers from berries that it ate

[41:44] or perhaps a juice that it got from the berries and it lives in a kind of

[41:47] vaguely middle European, like medieval world with humans and then this cannonball hit him

[41:53] and that idea was lost for a hundred years.

[41:56] Sure.

[41:57] Until the Disney Afternoon came along.

[41:59] Yeah, until the Disney Afternoon found a mosquito with that guy's DNA stuff up it.

[42:05] They injected it into their programming manager and he said, I got a great idea.

[42:09] Wow, we really worked backwards for this one.

[42:13] Oh man, we're pretty smart.

[42:14] Now, where did Tailspin come from then?

[42:16] Dan, where did Tailspin come from?

[42:18] Someone saw the Jungle Book in Casablanca on the same night and they had a fucking fever of 106.

[42:27] Au contraire, Dan.

[42:29] I would say they saw the Jungle Book and only angels have wings on the same night.

[42:33] That's probably more accurate.

[42:34] Since that's the movie I think it was based on.

[42:37] But where's that like Bobcat?

[42:38] Whoa, Dan looks like such a piece of shit now.

[42:41] You asshole.

[42:42] You might as well be as good as a shark.

[42:44] I think you're terrible.

[42:46] Take your glasses off so we can poke you in the eyes.

[42:49] You might like it.

[42:49] You're not a shark.

[42:51] Anyway, so that guy, that old man, it's like just imagine they turn off the camera.

[42:57] He's like, I mean it.

[42:59] Sharks can go fuck themselves.

[43:01] You tell that shark he's a fucking asshole.

[43:03] I like that the old man's probably listening.

[43:04] And you know who else?

[43:05] Serial killers.

[43:06] I don't like them.

[43:06] I think they're terrible.

[43:08] I like that the old man's probably listening to our podcast and every once in a while he's like,

[43:13] oh, I'm glad they're not Raz me anymore.

[43:15] Then we just bring it right back to him.

[43:17] Stick the pins in.

[43:18] Dear Flophouse, I've loved your podcast, but I never thought you'd get around to making fun of me,

[43:23] a World War II veteran who survived a boat sinking and sharks.

[43:28] Love your podcast.

[43:29] Ra-Row.

[43:30] Signed, this old man.

[43:33] So anyway, you think the movie has to be over.

[43:36] It's over.

[43:37] Everything's done.

[43:38] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[43:39] Enter a shadowy Washington chamber.

[43:41] As Shia LaBeouf would say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[43:44] Because even though the war's over, too many people died in the wreck of the USS Indianapolis

[43:49] for there not to be an investigation.

[43:50] They need a patsy.

[43:52] That patsy, none other than Captain Nicholas Cage.

[43:55] USS Nap Town.

[43:57] USS Nap Town.

[43:58] As it's called, the Nap Town disaster.

[44:00] And the headlines were like, who was napping at the USS Nap Town switch?

[44:04] But they decide they're going to accuse him of being derelict of duty when really the

[44:10] problem was that it wasn't given a proper escort to protect it from submarines.

[44:14] He gets court-martialed, even bringing in, as a surprise witness, the commander of the

[44:19] Japanese submarine to come in and say, oh, no, I used missiles that he wouldn't have

[44:24] been able to dodge.

[44:26] The case rests on the idea that he didn't zigzag his ship to avoid a torpedo because

[44:31] he thought they were chitans, which you can't avoid by zigzagging.

[44:34] This guy says, no, no, I used the real torpedoes, not the chitans.

[44:37] Zigzagging would not have saved him.

[44:39] But they need a patsy.

[44:40] He's found guilty and court-martialed.

[44:42] I thought he said that zigzagging would have saved him.

[44:45] No, he says zigzagging wouldn't have saved him because he was too close.

[44:48] Yeah.

[44:49] He was exonerated.

[44:50] His evidence should have exonerated Nicolas Cage.

[44:53] But instead, they need this patsy.

[44:56] Oh, right.

[44:57] So much like ABFAB doesn't work without patsy.

[45:01] It's just a dina.

[45:02] I was really trying to think of a patsy in culture.

[45:06] That's the only one I could think of.

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:08] Yep.

[45:08] But seriously.

[45:09] We've got a team shooting out of Dan's ears right now.

[45:11] It's a serious thing.

[45:12] Who's going to go see a show called Adina?

[45:15] It's got to be the two of them.

[45:16] ABFAB, you know?

[45:17] Funky Cold Adina.

[45:22] That was that's how they got the idea of the show.

[45:23] They were listening to that song and they were like,

[45:25] what if that name didn't have an M at the beginning?

[45:29] It's an alternate history.

[45:31] Harry Turtle Doves, alternate ABFAB.

[45:36] So anyway, Nicolas Cage is found guilty against all odds.

[45:39] He has a one on one face to face with the Japanese commander,

[45:42] which they both kind of forgive each other for the crimes they committed,

[45:45] even if they can't forgive themselves.

[45:47] And it rivals the scene in Godzilla Final Wars,

[45:50] when Godzilla forgives America for dropping the atomic bomb

[45:53] in its accurate portrayal of human emotions and the true aftermath of war.

[45:59] Nicolas Cage is horrified.

[46:01] He goes home.

[46:02] And of course, after kissing his much younger wife.

[46:06] Oh, yeah.

[46:07] He also has a wife who appears to be his daughter.

[46:10] There's a part where he wakes up from a nightmare and his wife is in bed with him

[46:13] and is like, it's OK.

[46:14] And for a moment, I thought that his daughter had crawled into bed with him

[46:17] because there was a thunderstorm outside and she was scared.

[46:20] Yeah, well, she was trying to comfort her old man who was having, what, night terrors.

[46:26] Yeah, I thought it was like the scene in Tiny Furniture

[46:29] when Lena Dunham crawls into her mom's bed and gives her mom a back rub.

[46:33] But with Nicolas Cage and his daughter.

[46:36] Yeah, it's a much weirder scene.

[46:40] I kind of envy that intimacy that mothers and daughters can have, that they can do that.

[46:44] Because if my dad was lying in bed, it wasn't feeling well,

[46:46] like emotionally, and I just crawled into bed and gave him a back rub,

[46:49] I would find that weird.

[46:51] And it shouldn't be weird because I love him the same way that people love their mothers.

[46:53] It would be weird because of the spontaneous erections.

[46:56] I mean, that goes without saying that we get those because we're men.

[47:00] We wouldn't talk about it.

[47:00] As opposed to planned erections.

[47:04] Look, let's pencil in this erection for an hour later,

[47:07] because I have this call I have to make.

[47:09] Yeah.

[47:09] You guys don't schedule your erections?

[47:12] I mean, I guess they're not married anymore, and he doesn't have to.

[47:16] People who use Viagra, I guess, schedule their erections.

[47:19] Yeah, they schedule.

[47:20] They block out four hours just in case.

[47:23] If it goes longer than that, either see a doctor or go back around the belt of business.

[47:27] But yeah, I guess.

[47:29] So anyway, what I'm saying is how come men and dads

[47:32] can't be like that close and intimate?

[47:35] What's wrong with that?

[47:36] Because let me tell you, just knowing the way I feel about my son Sammy now,

[47:40] when I'm older, if he wants to give me a back rub, please do, Sammy.

[47:43] If you're listening to this, just come along and help my back feel better.

[47:48] I really needed that.

[47:48] Thank you, Sammy.

[47:49] I don't think the problem lies with the dad in that situation.

[47:55] It's probably all the bullshit that the son places upon the dad.

[48:00] Maybe.

[48:01] If I crawled into my dad's bed with him and gave him a back rub,

[48:03] my dad would be weirded out.

[48:04] I think he would think it was weird.

[48:05] Maybe you're just placing that on your dad.

[48:07] Yeah, give it a try.

[48:08] Okay, I'll try it next time.

[48:10] That's what I'll do.

[48:10] See what happens, and maybe one thing will lead to another.

[48:15] Your relationship will be mended.

[48:17] Yeah, mended.

[48:18] That's how that usually ends.

[48:20] I wonder, how does it end when a guy has sex with his dad?

[48:23] Well, is that a positive addition to a relationship?

[48:26] You should ask Oedipus.

[48:28] That's what happened, right?

[48:30] I don't think that's entirely the nature of the story that I recall.

[48:36] Was there a shark in it?

[48:38] Was there a shark in it?

[48:40] Yeah, there was a street shark in it.

[48:41] There was a street, which one?

[48:42] Blades?

[48:44] Big Slamu.

[48:46] Definitely Big Slamu.

[48:48] Man, when I said Big Slamu, Dan's eyes brightened.

[48:53] I think it was Big Slamu who warned Oedipus not to investigate the death of the king

[48:57] because he wouldn't like where it was led.

[49:01] But I think it was he became king of Thebes because he solved the riddle of blades.

[49:06] The answer was blades.

[49:10] A lot of people don't know that it was Sophocles who wrote Oedipus, right?

[49:17] The Oedipus Rex, that he originally started as a staff writer on street sharks

[49:21] before making it big on the Greek dramatic stage.

[49:24] I can't wait till Vin Diesel writes a hate mail that we fucked up our street shark shit.

[49:31] There's a long collection between the great Greek dramatists and animated cartoons,

[49:35] ever since Aeschylus was killed by an eagle dropping a ninja turtle on his head.

[49:42] Oh man, that joke pulls in so many different threads.

[49:46] Yeah, and I haven't even gotten started about Euripides' great masterwork,

[49:49] Cowboys of Moomasa.

[49:51] Yep, and Aristophanes is of course, biker mice from Mars, the birds.

[49:56] That's funny, I would assume that Aristophanes would write battle.

[50:00] Oh, because he rode the frogs, damn it, I should have said he rode the battle frogs.

[50:05] Oh god, I can't believe I got Elliot on that shit.

[50:08] I can fucking die now.

[50:10] Speaking of dying now, Nicholas Cage, seeing no way to save his honor otherwise, shoots himself in the head.

[50:16] We then cut to some credits that explain that.

[50:21] We cut to a shot of a picture of Nicholas Cage wearing an Admiral's hat,

[50:28] which is a prop that I would very much like to own.

[50:31] That's right, they hang up this in-memoriam photo of him.

[50:34] But it's, yeah, this photo, the look on Nicholas Cage's face,

[50:38] in what I assume is supposed to be like a portrait photo that his character sat for,

[50:43] he looks shocked to be in a frame on a wall.

[50:46] Like, wait, what? Like the picture is on its guard at all times.

[50:49] So I'm assuming, I'm talking to you, Mr. Mario Van Peebles,

[50:53] please mail it to the flop house care of Dan McCoy so that I can put it on my wall.

[50:58] Oh, it would be, that would definitely go up on the wall in Hinterlands, right?

[51:02] Oh my god, it's fucking awesome, yeah.

[51:04] You can't put it in Hinterlands, that would be stolen the first weekend.

[51:08] That's true.

[51:10] Yep, it would be stolen and then I'd have to get Danny Houston on the case.

[51:14] With his hat, that's a stolen reference, everybody.

[51:17] We just watched it recently, it's on our minds.

[51:19] So we get some title cards that tell us a little bit about what happened to everybody.

[51:23] Eventually the captain was exonerated by President Bill Clinton in the 1990s.

[51:28] And then there's a couple shots where it shows you –

[51:32] Bill Slick Willie Clinton, right, Elliot?

[51:35] He probably was just doing, he's like,

[51:37] everybody's talking about my blowjobs, I better exonerate this long-dead World War II captain.

[51:42] That'll change the news cycle.

[51:44] How gladly to eat a hamburger today and pay you tomorrow with an exoneration.

[51:49] Is that what Bill Clinton would do?

[51:53] He'd wander into hamburger stacks, like, well, I'm not going to pay you for this hamburger,

[52:00] but if you need to be exonerated from a crime, I'll do that later.

[52:04] So I guess I'm telling you, go commit a crime right now.

[52:07] If a burger's good, two crimes, give me two burgers, maybe three crimes.

[52:14] I think the problem with my impression was that I wasn't doing the hand motions.

[52:18] I think that's what gives you the power.

[52:20] I did not pay for that hamburger later.

[52:25] Oh, wow, President Bill Clinton, what are you doing here?

[52:30] Just exonerating a World War II captain in exchange for a hamburger.

[52:34] Oh, wow, a hamburger.

[52:38] Wow, hamburger, what are you doing here?

[52:41] Robble, robble, I wanted to steal the president's hamburger.

[52:44] Oh, I'd leave the loose end for a moment.

[52:47] I'll pardon you, hamburger.

[52:50] Now I want to see a parody of the movie Absolute Power, where instead of Clint Eastwood being a thief who breaks into a place

[52:57] and sees the president killing a prostitute, he is the hamburger who's trying to break into the White House kitchen

[53:02] to steal the president's hamburger, and it shouldn't be called Absolute Power.

[53:05] It should be called the president's hamburger.

[53:08] You know who's going to play the hamburger? Tom Jane.

[53:11] No.

[53:12] And you know who's going to play the president?

[53:13] John Cusack.

[53:14] John Cusack.

[53:15] And you know who's going to play the secret service agent who's got to track down the hamburger?

[53:18] It's got to be Nicolas Cage.

[53:19] Nicolas Cage.

[53:20] Why wasn't Absolute Power called the president's murderer?

[53:25] Exclamation point.

[53:28] Question mark, exclamation point.

[53:30] If it was made in the 60s or 70s, that's totally what it would have been called.

[53:33] Oh, definitely.

[53:34] But instead it was made in the 90s when generic titles ruled the day.

[53:37] Unlike now.

[53:38] You know the movie Executive Decision? What was that about?

[53:42] Someone made a decision executively.

[53:46] It doesn't have anything to – as I said before, it looks like there's a katana blade on that cover.

[53:51] It's not. It's part of the stealth bomber.

[53:53] Here's a movie where Hugh Grant has discovered that Gene Hackman is experimenting on homeless people.

[53:58] Let's call it Extreme Measures.

[54:01] What does that have to do with anything?

[54:02] You should call it Homeless Doctor or something like that.

[54:06] That sounds positive.

[54:08] Extreme Measures sounds like he's doing a good job.

[54:10] No, I mean Homeless Doctor sounds like a good guy.

[54:14] I guess that's just kind of with honors with Joe Pesci.

[54:17] Whenever I think of Executive Decision now, I can't think of anything other than you making brutal fun of your brother about Executive Decision, about his anecdote about Executive Decision.

[54:28] I don't even remember what his anecdote was. Was it just that he saw it?

[54:30] It was like he was calling it a major motion picture or something like that, and you were taking exception about that.

[54:37] The phrase major motion picture.

[54:39] I love that this is the one thing Dan thinks of when we talk about Executive Decision, and he doesn't remember it correctly.

[54:45] No, I don't remember it. There's Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal, right?

[54:50] No, I'm talking about the moment.

[54:52] The anecdote.

[54:53] The anecdote.

[54:54] I don't remember it.

[54:55] I'm going to call an audible because this is boring.

[54:58] We're all getting brown cards, which means too boring to be on the field.

[55:01] So this movie ends with a little – with those interview segments we mentioned before, the old man saying he thinks sharks are terrible and that you should punch him in the eye.

[55:10] And then at that point, I was so drained by this movie.

[55:14] It felt like I had spent all that time lying in a raft staring at the sun, and it was like movie.

[55:21] This should be an exciting story or a suspenseful story or thrilling.

[55:25] How can – maybe some things are just only cut out to be monologues.

[55:28] Maybe they don't need to be movies.

[55:30] Maybe not everything is a Spalding Gray where it can be a monologue that gets turned into a movie.

[55:35] I mean – I don't know.

[55:37] Maybe it's a vagina monologue, which is just a monologue.

[55:39] I don't want to play Monday morning quarterback here, but I think there's probably a way that you could have made an exciting story movie out of this story.

[55:50] It's an exciting movie out of a story about a ship that gets blown up, and then sharks eat everybody.

[55:55] That doesn't sound exciting to me.

[55:57] A ship delivering the atomic bomb that gets blown up possibly with torpedoes featuring dudes driving them, and then sharks are involved.

[56:04] That's crazy.

[56:05] I guess what I would do is – I was about to say I would make it so that they get attacked on their way to delivering the atomic bomb instead of coming back except then what?

[56:13] You can't make a movie where the ship carrying the atomic bomb sinks because that didn't happen.

[56:18] Much the same way that one of my big issues with X-Men First Class is that the implications of the Cuban Missile Crisis took place because of mutants, which doesn't square with the historical record.

[56:29] There are no mutants, and yet we did have a Cuban Missile Crisis.

[56:33] But that's the problem with any time they put magical heroes in different time periods, like the idea that the most recent Transformers movie features Transformers through the ages, and you're like, so I guess Transformers aren't good enough to stop the fucking Holocaust.

[56:48] I mean to be fair from the Transformers point of view, why would they care?

[56:52] All they want to do is turn into different types of cars.

[56:56] Why do they care what happens to these?

[56:57] I mean I think you're missing some fundamental elements of the Transformers movies and how the Autobots kind of help.

[57:03] Don't say it because now Michael Bay is just going to make a World War II one where the Decepticons are helping the Nazis.

[57:08] But I think the new Transformers movie features footage of that type of shit.

[57:12] Oh really?

[57:13] Yeah, because it starts with them like fighting in the fucking King Arthur times.

[57:17] Yeah, I haven't seen the new Transformers movie, but how do they justify the fact that no one has been like, oh, there's been giant robots forever?

[57:24] That turn into cars.

[57:25] Yeah, a thing that we don't have yet.

[57:28] Like it's one of those things where…

[57:30] That's just a bridge too far.

[57:32] I can accept that there are transforming car aliens in the modern day.

[57:37] Well, if you ask me – it's just one of those things where it's like if you ask me to believe that they've existed on history, I have to believe that one, the story would have gotten out by this point, or two, it would have changed history and the idea that like – like you're saying.

[57:51] Maybe it did.

[57:52] Like you're saying, you know what wouldn't change history?

[57:54] Giant transforming robots with laser beams that have been here for a thousand years?

[58:00] Like, come on.

[58:01] What were they transforming into before…

[58:04] Well, dinosaurs.

[58:05] Oh, right.

[58:06] The age of extinction.

[58:07] But after a while, people would be like, that's a fucking dinosaur.

[58:11] Yeah, and that's a dino robot.

[58:13] Oh, yeah.

[58:14] Are they turning into like castles?

[58:16] Yeah, that is kind of weird that the dinobots still look like robots and not dinosaurs, right?

[58:21] Well, there's only so – I mean dinosaurs aren't made of metal.

[58:24] That's the big thing.

[58:25] You can turn into a car and look like a car because a car is made out of metal.

[58:28] I mean couldn't they have like a paint job that looks like dinosaur scales?

[58:32] Maybe they just buy a latex suit with scales on it.

[58:35] Or couldn't they just get like some airbrushing on the side of it?

[58:38] I've seen some pretty convincing auto wraps.

[58:40] Yeah.

[58:41] Can they get one of those guys who does those like trompe l'oeil chalk drawings that look like they're 3D and photographs and have him draw on them?

[58:48] Yeah, come on, transformers.

[58:50] Or here's what you do.

[58:51] Every year Sports Illustrated hires airbrush painters to paint bikinis onto naked women so that they can put them in magazines.

[58:59] Just do that on the transformers.

[59:01] Paint a bunch of bikinis on them, and they'll look like real bikinis.

[59:04] That will be the disguise that they need to move freely among bikini girls.

[59:11] They'll be like, yoo-hoo, I'm just a lady.

[59:14] And then some guy will be like, hubba hubba, and he's arranging his bow tie.

[59:17] Well, I'm going to hit on this chick, and he doesn't seem to notice that she's 30 feet tall and a robot.

[59:22] Guys, I had a real problem on my date last night.

[59:27] What happened?

[59:28] You take her out in your car.

[59:29] Guys, she was the car.

[59:31] Basically the hotel usher from Some Like It Hot, but he's dating a transformer.

[59:39] In every movie, there's always the one guy who can't tell that the woman is obviously a man or a gremlin or an animal or a robot and falls in love with them.

[59:50] I don't like the idea that you're inferring that Robert Picardo's character doesn't realize the lady gremlin is a fucking gremlin.

[1:00:00] I think that's part of it for him.

[1:00:01] Okay, fair point.

[1:00:02] Yeah, fair point.

[1:00:03] And I get it, dude.

[1:00:06] He's like...

[1:00:06] See the power in those paws?

[1:00:08] Oh, well, she's got amazing calves.

[1:00:10] She'll fucking break his crank off.

[1:00:12] Like the calves and that lady gremlin.

[1:00:15] You have to imagine that he's like, at the end, when he's like,

[1:00:17] well, and he gives in to her, but he's also like,

[1:00:20] well, I'm gonna be the first at something.

[1:00:22] That really was the...

[1:00:23] I gotta believe no one...

[1:00:24] I gotta believe Hoyt Axton didn't fuck a gremlin.

[1:00:28] That really was the nobody's perfect of the modern era.

[1:00:32] The ending of that.

[1:00:33] Him acquiescing to having sex with a gremlin.

[1:00:35] Shrugging as the lady gremlin came predatorily towards him.

[1:00:39] Yeah, smooching all the way.

[1:00:41] And then it writes the end on the screen.

[1:00:43] What a great movie.

[1:00:44] Oh, God, that's awesome.

[1:00:46] I'm just gonna say it.

[1:00:47] Here's my hot take, guys.

[1:00:48] Gremlins 2 is everything some like it hot is not.

[1:00:52] Billy Wilder, I love you, but go take a lesson from Joe Dante.

[1:00:57] So anyway, USS Indianapolis, Man of Courage.

[1:01:01] We should do the final judgments on this movie,

[1:01:02] whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[1:01:05] or a movie we kind of liked.

[1:01:07] I'm gonna go first.

[1:01:08] I'm gonna say that if this movie had been 90 minutes long,

[1:01:14] it might have been a good, bad movie,

[1:01:15] because there was so much like crazy CGI.

[1:01:19] We cannot overstate how cheap this movie looks.

[1:01:22] Yeah.

[1:01:23] It looks so super cheap.

[1:01:26] And not in a not in the there's like the kind of cheap where it's like primer

[1:01:30] and it's like I'm impressed they were able to make this for like $8,000.

[1:01:34] You're like, oh Peter Jackson made all those masks in his mom's oven.

[1:01:37] That's why their heads look weird.

[1:01:39] Yeah, exactly.

[1:01:40] But then there's the cheap where it's like you guys had the money to do better.

[1:01:45] You didn't need to show us every single ship in CGI.

[1:01:48] Like just put a model in a bathtub and it would look better than this.

[1:01:51] But then you were saying no, I just yeah,

[1:01:54] that's all I wanted to say about it.

[1:01:56] It moves so slowly.

[1:01:58] The middle section is just people in the water.

[1:02:03] Then they get killed in the water.

[1:02:05] Then they're in the water some more than someone gets pulled out of a raft.

[1:02:10] You know, it's just over and over again shark deaths and that might be true to life.

[1:02:15] It may actually give us a sense of how grueling it must have been to be one of those men out in the water,

[1:02:21] but it does not make for a compelling film to just sort of repeat the same thing over and over again.

[1:02:28] So I would say it's a bad bad movie.

[1:02:30] It's I would say bad bad.

[1:02:31] It's so slow and so dull.

[1:02:32] I would say if someone wants to cut together like a YouTube video,

[1:02:36] that's just the CGI scenes go ahead and watch it.

[1:02:40] But otherwise like we're never made to care about any of the characters.

[1:02:43] They're all super one-dimensional cartoony even and movies are so slow and so bogged down

[1:02:50] and by the time it gets to the court-martial scenes,

[1:02:52] you're like movie over movie be over movie.

[1:02:57] Yeah movie be over shut down.

[1:02:59] Stop it movie. Stop it. Stop it.

[1:03:03] We know you doing it movie now. Stop it.

[1:03:05] That's a John Oliver was like, yeah, so I call bad bad movie.

[1:03:08] So, you know, first off I don't think I'm speaking for my co-host here,

[1:03:13] but I want to say the events depicted in this movie were a tragedy

[1:03:18] and we would thank everybody involved for their service.

[1:03:20] Yeah, you're right. You don't speak for me Stewart trying to get in the extra credit point,

[1:03:27] but no, this is a bad bad movie it it's grueling,

[1:03:31] but I think there's a way to make a grueling experience meaningful

[1:03:36] by making you actually care about the people involved before it begins to happen.

[1:03:42] Yeah, it's just and the idea of showing the entire story by including the court-martial sequence.

[1:03:50] I don't feel necessarily adds anything to the story.

[1:03:52] No, I agree the it unless you're going to shorten everything else before it

[1:03:58] and but it's it like it hurts because it's disappointing partly

[1:04:03] because like there is a really good movie.

[1:04:05] That's just people in a boat in open water for the whole movie.

[1:04:08] That's lifeboat and it's like, oh, that's right.

[1:04:11] I mean dead calm. Maybe I guess.

[1:04:15] Yeah, too, but like it's or knife in the water is just people in a boat,

[1:04:18] you know, but that a lifeboat is so close to this

[1:04:21] and I guess I'm this is hardly an insult to Merrill Van Peebles to say

[1:04:24] that he is not Alfred Hitchcock when it comes to directing

[1:04:27] and it's it's trouble to ask anyone to live up to Hitchcock standard,

[1:04:31] but it's like if you feel like watching this just go watch lifeboat

[1:04:34] in a and pretend that the lead guy is Nicolas Cage.

[1:04:41] Hello, Amita Patel. Hello, Sean David Johnson.

[1:04:45] What's going on? I think a friend of mine may have chronic pop culture deficiency syndrome.

[1:04:50] Oh no PCDS. What are the symptoms?

[1:04:53] Well, she doesn't know Wakanda from Westeros shameful

[1:04:56] and she keeps confusing Aziz Ansari and Riz Ahmed.

[1:04:59] Oh my gosh, so sad kind of racist too.

[1:05:02] But what did you tell her to do?

[1:05:04] I told her to listen to our podcast inside pop.

[1:05:07] Of course fantastic idea a weekly dose of inside pop

[1:05:10] will help anyone discover the best in TV film

[1:05:13] and music suffer from PCDS no more inside pop

[1:05:17] as you covered every Wednesday on max fun.

[1:05:22] How many times has this happened to you?

[1:05:25] Oh man, if only I knew whether it was better to be too hot

[1:05:28] or too cold or who the best James Bond was that girl would have gone out with me.

[1:05:32] Now you can with we got this with Mark and how the podcast from maximum fun.org every Tuesday.

[1:05:38] Hey Lois, it's Joey the best James Bond was Daniel Craig

[1:05:43] and it's better to be too cold than too hot.

[1:05:45] Thanks. We got this with Mark and how only on maximum fun.org

[1:05:49] or wherever you get fine podcasts,

[1:05:52] but the Flophouse is supported in part tonight by Squarespace.

[1:05:57] Make your next move with Squarespace create a beautiful website

[1:06:01] with Squarespace is award-winning templates and all-in-one platform.

[1:06:05] There's nothing to ever install patch or upgrade wait in hold on a second.

[1:06:10] So you're saying I don't have to like download a bunch of weird programs

[1:06:14] that I don't really understand

[1:06:16] and then download new programs to fix the bugs in those programs

[1:06:19] and then download some other thing and it turns out it's Russian malware.

[1:06:22] And now I've got a zombie computer thing is Elliot each program you download makes you smarter

[1:06:27] and smarter like Job from Lawnmower Man,

[1:06:29] but my head can only hold so much like Johnny Mnemonic from Johnny Mnemonic.

[1:06:33] So what what should we do Dan? I don't think our website

[1:06:36] you know downloading all that stuff look flowers from Algernon.

[1:06:40] You'll be fine. Okay, your brain can stay the normal size.

[1:06:44] Oh, thank goodness. You don't name was Charlie.

[1:06:48] Yeah, I know his name is Charlie. I'm just the mouse was named Charlie.

[1:06:51] The mouse was named Algernon then he was named after Algernon Blackwood.

[1:06:55] Okay, the weird fiction author Squarespace Dan.

[1:07:00] Yeah, because Dan, you know what it's been a while

[1:07:04] since I talked about one of my website.

[1:07:05] All right, but there's a there's a website that we talked about something earlier

[1:07:09] that really reminded me of it and I don't want to you know,

[1:07:13] what I don't want to take time away from Squarespace for if they could help me actually is

[1:07:17] I've been there's a website I've been talking about sure thinking about a lot.

[1:07:21] I've got some investors lined up

[1:07:22] and it's called numb anus org now.

[1:07:26] It's the only website where you can it's your place on the web for numb anuses,

[1:07:31] you know where it's like you got ice in your butt maybe

[1:07:34] or maybe you're full of Novocaine in your butt.

[1:07:36] I don't know. Yeah, we're going to find out when you we flesh it out on the site.

[1:07:40] There's going to be videos quizzes. There's going to be like tips

[1:07:44] and tricks from the pros and so not for profit not at all for profit.

[1:07:49] This is a public service in a very very underserved demographic

[1:07:53] those who have a need for information tips tricks hints videos vlogging

[1:07:58] and insight about numb anuses.

[1:08:00] So do you think that they could help me with www.numbanus.org?

[1:08:04] Yeah, man as much as they may not like to they could definitely help you do that.

[1:08:09] I want people to be able to look at this on their phones like if they're on a train.

[1:08:12] I mean, that's the only time I ever look at numb anuses.

[1:08:14] Like if like I don't want people to be just stuck looking at on their house.

[1:08:18] I want it to be looked at in public places too.

[1:08:20] It's 21st century dude. Does it scale to mobile devices?

[1:08:23] It scales to all kinds of devices your iPhone your iPad.

[1:08:28] Yeah, maybe switch from your phone to your iPad all the time.

[1:08:33] But but like do I need to know how to code because I don't know how to code.

[1:08:36] I just know there's a lot of people there need help numbing their butts.

[1:08:40] You don't need to know how to code at all Squarespace has beautiful templates

[1:08:45] that help you no matter your experience level.

[1:08:48] Very low in my case. Now is there 24-7 tech support?

[1:08:51] There is in fact 24-7 customer support.

[1:08:53] So let's run through a scenario. Okay, so you need to code to numb your chode.

[1:08:58] I mean, it's numb chode would be a different site.

[1:09:00] Yes. Now Dan, let's run through a little scenario.

[1:09:03] So okay, you'll be tech support at Squarespace.

[1:09:05] Hi tech support. This is Elliot. I have a question.

[1:09:08] Hello Elliot. Now I am having trouble with the template

[1:09:12] for my website www.numanus.org your place online for numbing anuses

[1:09:18] and butts that can't feel things.

[1:09:19] That sounds like a service that many people would enjoy.

[1:09:22] Thank you for being non-judgmental about that Squarespace.

[1:09:25] You can help me with my problem. I will help you right away, sir.

[1:09:28] Wow, that was great. What that was a wonderful experience.

[1:09:31] Thank you Squarespace. Thank you Elliot Kalin owner of numanuses.org.

[1:09:35] Well, it's numanus.org. I better register them both.

[1:09:41] So Dan, what else about Squarespace? For a free trial and 10% off your first purchase

[1:09:46] visit squarespace.com slash flop.

[1:09:50] But we're also sponsored in part tonight by Casper.

[1:09:53] An online retailer of premium premium mattresses for a fraction of the price.

[1:09:58] Casper mattresses.

[1:10:00] feature supportive memory foam for a sleep surface that's got just the right

[1:10:04] sink and just the right bounce. Risk-free, I'm sorry, pardon me, risk-free trial and

[1:10:10] return policy for Casper mattresses. Try sleeping on a Casper for 10, yeah.

[1:10:15] Get that mattress on ASD, sleep on it for a while, send it back.

[1:10:19] I haven't slept on a Casper mattress. I mean, talk from the heart about your sleeping.

[1:10:22] Look, I love the Casper mattress. I sleep on one every night.

[1:10:29] What does it feel like? Describe it. Paint us a word picture about the texture.

[1:10:32] Well, it's got just the right sink and just the right bounce. I know that about it.

[1:10:36] That doesn't really feel like it came from your heart. Come on, when you...

[1:10:39] Okay, let's paint a word picture. Okay. Dan has just gotten home from work.

[1:10:44] Yep. And he eats dinner. I'm so tired. Slip on that sleep apnea mask.

[1:10:49] Goes to his TiVo, plays whatever porn he's recorded. Not to masturbate, just to critique

[1:10:55] for his website. So your sleep apnea mask reaches the couch.

[1:10:59] The what? His sleep apnea mask reaches the couch.

[1:11:03] Yeah. He's watching the porn with his sleep apnea mask on and he says, you know what,

[1:11:09] I don't want to sleep on the couch tonight. I want to sleep on my mattress because it's

[1:11:11] super comfortable and you wheel what I assume is a very cumbersome sleep apnea mechanism

[1:11:18] into your room. The size of like an ENIAC computer.

[1:11:21] Yep. It's actually a very sleek little machine.

[1:11:23] You shoe Archie off of the bed. And you finally sit down on that Casper

[1:11:28] mattress and then you lay down. And what does it feel like? Talk about the relief that you feel.

[1:11:32] Are you a back sleeper or a tummy sleeper? Or on the side?

[1:11:36] I'm a back sleeper most of the time. A side sleeper like 25% of the time.

[1:11:43] So that 25%, would you consider yourself to be like a little spoon or a big spoon?

[1:11:48] I would consider myself to be a big spoon. Oh, okay.

[1:11:52] Yeah. Okay. Like a ladle?

[1:11:54] Like, yeah, some sort of ladle or a serving spoon, perhaps.

[1:11:59] Like a wooden spoon you can spank someone with or someone can bite down so they don't

[1:12:03] just swallow their own tongue? Sure. Certainly the first one.

[1:12:06] Okay. A ladle. Okay. So Dan ladle, he lies down and he's like, ah,

[1:12:12] Casper mattress, thank you for providing comfort and support at a very low price.

[1:12:16] Yeah. You say, wow.

[1:12:18] I'm dreaming. You might even be like, wow,

[1:12:21] a Casper mattress. This is so great. Wow. Yeah.

[1:12:26] The disappointment in Dan's face that he looks at Elliot's face.

[1:12:29] It's like. That was so much disdain.

[1:12:33] Listeners, you can't imagine the disdain in Dan's face. It's like.

[1:12:36] The fact that Elliot was able to finish the joke.

[1:12:40] Have you ever seen in a comic where someone is staring literal daggers at someone?

[1:12:44] It was like he didn't even want to. He didn't even so disdainful.

[1:12:47] He didn't want to even want to use the energy to hurl daggers at his eyes at me

[1:12:51] that I could feel him. All right.

[1:12:53] Casper mattress. Casper mattresses.

[1:12:55] Is there a product code? I just want to try one more time to

[1:12:59] say what I wanted to say before, which is you can try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days

[1:13:04] with free delivery to the US and Canada and painless returns.

[1:13:07] All mattresses made in America. Plop House listeners can get $50

[1:13:11] towards any mattress purchase by visiting www.casper.com slash flop house and using

[1:13:19] promo code flop house. All one word at checkout.

[1:13:23] Terms and conditions apply.

[1:13:25] Don't they always?

[1:13:29] We've got some jumbotrons as well.

[1:13:37] I'm going to jump onto this one.

[1:13:40] Thanks for giving me another shot after last week's mess.

[1:13:45] This message is for Casey.

[1:13:47] The message is from early in the match and the preferred time frame is next available.

[1:13:56] You don't need to specify that, but go on.

[1:13:59] Happy birthday, Casey.

[1:14:01] You are so talented, creative and funny.

[1:14:06] I feel really lucky to have you in my life and look forward to many more years together.

[1:14:13] From your sort of romantic boyfriend, crazy smiley face, Nate.

[1:14:20] That's very sweet.

[1:14:21] I've got another sweet one.

[1:14:23] This message is from Rosie B and Chris C.

[1:14:27] They both, it's just their first initials, so I assume they're Spice Girls.

[1:14:30] And the message is, the message is for Rosie B and Chris C and the message is from

[1:14:34] Charlene, the Blade of Honor.

[1:14:36] And Charlene says, congrats on your upcoming nuptials.

[1:14:39] Rosie's butt will soon be heavily desired by Dan.

[1:14:42] I hope you both like this message read by your favorite podcast hosts

[1:14:46] because I'm not getting you an actual wedding present.

[1:14:48] I love you both and I think I speak for everyone when I say, don't get a divorce.

[1:14:52] They're expensive and sad.

[1:14:54] Love you guys.

[1:14:55] Yay, two very nice messages.

[1:14:57] Yeah, congratulations, Rosie B and Chris C.

[1:14:59] They even pulled Dan in with that message.

[1:15:01] I like that.

[1:15:02] Because Dan loves wife butts.

[1:15:04] You're part of their narrative.

[1:15:05] DL Cool WB.

[1:15:08] That's your rap name.

[1:15:11] But now it's time.

[1:15:12] Wait, Dan, we've got some things of our own to plug.

[1:15:14] Oh yeah, you gotta plug some things.

[1:15:15] We've got some things of our own to plug.

[1:15:16] So belay that because it's not time for singing yet.

[1:15:20] I just want to remind our Flophouse listeners of some special things we got coming up.

[1:15:24] For instance, we're going to be part of the Philly PodFest in beautiful Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

[1:15:31] So spit out your cheese steak and rush over to the Trocadero Theater and get in line.

[1:15:37] Or go to phillypodfest.com where you can buy tickets.

[1:15:42] It's going to be Sunday, July 16th, same day as my aunt's birthday party.

[1:15:46] So yes, I will be rushing from my aunt's birthday party to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to be there.

[1:15:50] And I'll be worried the whole time about whether he'll be there in time.

[1:15:54] It'll be a race against the clock, a real nick of time starring Johnny Depp.

[1:15:57] The whole time, I'll be hoping that we can just have Sidney McElroy sit in for Elliot.

[1:16:02] Anyway, the show is at 8 o'clock.

[1:16:04] Doors are at 730.

[1:16:05] Tickets, I believe, are still available.

[1:16:07] So go to phillypodfest.com or just, I guess, Google the Flophouse Philadelphia Podcast Festival.

[1:16:13] And we're going to be that show.

[1:16:15] I think it's time to hold Dan's feet to the fire.

[1:16:19] What fucking movie are we going to talk about that movie?

[1:16:22] I believe we decided on watching The Great Wall.

[1:16:25] What's so great about it?

[1:16:27] The Great Wall.

[1:16:28] The Great Wall starring Matthew Damon and an international cast of stars.

[1:16:35] That's right.

[1:16:36] The movie The Great Wall, a China co-production.

[1:16:39] And I'm very curious about it.

[1:16:42] We're going to be talking about that one.

[1:16:43] We're going to be having fun.

[1:16:45] We've never done a Philadelphia show before.

[1:16:46] No, we've never done it.

[1:16:48] And this is like literally weeks before we mail Elliot off to Abu Dhabi.

[1:16:56] Is that how it's going to happen?

[1:16:57] Yeah, right?

[1:16:58] Yeah, it's going to be one of the last things we record together in person for a little bit.

[1:17:05] Yeah, and it's two weeks before you move to LA.

[1:17:08] It's a historic moment both for me and America.

[1:17:11] We keep bringing it up on the show, but it just makes us sad.

[1:17:13] That's all.

[1:17:14] Yeah, so if you're in Philadelphia or you're nearby, you want to see us live,

[1:17:18] recording an episode, go to phillypodfest.com and buy your tickets.

[1:17:21] That's July 16th, a Sunday.

[1:17:23] Yeah, I'm looking forward to that weekend.

[1:17:24] Yeah, it should be fun.

[1:17:26] Also, a lot of people of you have gotten these already, but maybe a lot of you haven't.

[1:17:31] And I think you're going to like them.

[1:17:33] The Flophouse Funnies comic book series.

[1:17:36] It's available at flophousepodcast.com slash comics.

[1:17:39] And there's three short stories out now.

[1:17:42] We each wrote one.

[1:17:42] The theme was horror and all proceeds go to the American Civil Liberties Union,

[1:17:47] which we need now more than ever because things aren't so good right now.

[1:17:53] They're kind of, I think in a way, they're kind of our, like,

[1:17:56] take on a Tales from the Crypt style anthology comic.

[1:18:00] Yes.

[1:18:01] And it's, as a non-creative, it's an exciting opportunity to get to do some storytelling.

[1:18:09] I think so.

[1:18:10] In a medium that I love and where we have three stories out now.

[1:18:15] And because of the support we've already received, we're already planning three more stories.

[1:18:21] On another theme.

[1:18:22] On another theme that are already shaping up to be pretty great.

[1:18:25] Yeah. And so if you haven't bought the issues, please do.

[1:18:28] You can donate anywhere from a dollar to infinite monies.

[1:18:31] And that money goes to protecting our civil liberties.

[1:18:34] And you get three very different stories that are all spookily good good.

[1:18:40] And that's all the Flophouse promotional stuff, I believe, that we have.

[1:18:46] Well, that means that it's time for letters from listeners.

[1:18:49] Listeners like you?

[1:18:51] Yes, that's right.

[1:18:52] Listeners like you.

[1:18:54] And the first letter.

[1:18:55] What's a listener like you like?

[1:18:58] I have to assume you're a person of some talent, charisma, looks and attraction.

[1:19:05] Of someone who has the whole world on a string.

[1:19:08] Somebody wraps the world around their finger.

[1:19:11] It's you.

[1:19:11] So write us a letter.

[1:19:14] A listener is someone who has a big heart.

[1:19:17] Has a big brain.

[1:19:18] Maybe big thumbs.

[1:19:20] But that's not your problem.

[1:19:22] Just because it makes it harder to dial your iPhone.

[1:19:26] Because your thumbs are so big, you're hitting all the buttons.

[1:19:29] Doesn't mean you have to stop from writing us a letter.

[1:19:32] A listener like you can get around the fact that they have such big thumbs.

[1:19:37] Shouldn't be something that causes you trouble.

[1:19:40] Get out that big thumb.

[1:19:41] Make your anus numb.

[1:19:42] Write us a letter from a listener like you.

[1:19:46] All right.

[1:19:47] Oh, wow.

[1:19:49] I was able to tie in my new website.

[1:19:50] Yeah.

[1:19:51] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[1:19:54] Sending himself a text message.

[1:19:56] Yeah.

[1:19:56] It says erase this episode.

[1:20:00] Note to self, go back in time and kill Elliot's grandparents.

[1:20:03] Oh, wow.

[1:20:03] This first message is from Derek, last name withheld.

[1:20:07] I can't stop fucking saying, oh, wow, by the way.

[1:20:10] Once it gets in your system.

[1:20:11] I'm going to have to go to a doctor after this.

[1:20:13] It's a real earworm.

[1:20:14] Oh, wow.

[1:20:16] You put a worm in my ear.

[1:20:17] Wow, con.

[1:20:19] Wow.

[1:20:21] Derek, last name withheld, writes,

[1:20:23] with all the notable celebrity deaths.

[1:20:25] Derek?

[1:20:26] Yeah, Derek.

[1:20:27] Yeah, like an oil Derek.

[1:20:29] With all the notable.

[1:20:30] Like Derek Jacoby?

[1:20:30] Yeah.

[1:20:31] Yeah, or Derek Chirino.

[1:20:32] Do you think it's Derek Jacoby?

[1:20:33] Could it be Derek Jacoby?

[1:20:34] It's probably Derek Jacoby.

[1:20:35] OK, just read the letter.

[1:20:37] Is it Derek Chirino, who I went to elementary school with?

[1:20:40] Name dropper.

[1:20:41] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:42] With all the notable celebrity deaths in 2016,

[1:20:47] a friend of mine proposed drafting a list of celebrities

[1:20:49] that we would be most upset about dying.

[1:20:52] After a round of forgettable picks,

[1:20:53] we quickly started taking people whose deaths would most directly

[1:20:56] affect our day-to-day lives, rather than people

[1:20:59] we had a fondness for, because we're selfish dicks.

[1:21:03] Notably, we chose people with unfinished work,

[1:21:05] who would leave us feeling unfulfilled if they shuffled off anytime soon.

[1:21:09] I took George R.R. Martin in the third round,

[1:21:11] but I feel like I made a major steal in the fifth round

[1:21:14] when I selected one Elliot Kaelin, my friend.

[1:21:17] I mean, I'm flattered, kind of, but also horrified.

[1:21:20] I feel so bad, because then Dan would have to marry Danielle,

[1:21:23] and they would be the weirdest celebrity couple ever.

[1:21:26] Yeah, their celebrity name would just be Danielle,

[1:21:28] which is just my wife's name.

[1:21:29] Yeah, and, uh...

[1:21:32] Sam, I think Sammy would eventually accept you as a stepdad.

[1:21:35] It'd be a little rough at first,

[1:21:36] but I think your shared love of Muppets,

[1:21:38] and also, you can bake, if he likes that.

[1:21:42] I think he would accept me as a stepdad

[1:21:44] much faster than Danielle would accept me as a husband.

[1:21:47] I think that's very fair, yes.

[1:21:49] I think both of them would probably be put off by your,

[1:21:52] let's say, reduced amount of body hair.

[1:21:54] It is true, and this might be getting a little too personal,

[1:21:57] that my son likes to comment on the amount of fur that I have,

[1:22:01] and asks about if he's going to get fur,

[1:22:03] and he just likes to pet it sometimes.

[1:22:06] Like, when I'm reading him a book before bed,

[1:22:09] before he goes to bed, not me, he doesn't tuck me in,

[1:22:12] when I'm reading him a book before bed,

[1:22:14] he'll sometimes just kind of be in my arms,

[1:22:16] just kind of petting the hair on my arms.

[1:22:18] It's very sweet.

[1:22:20] Anyway.

[1:22:21] Like his dad is a friendly bear.

[1:22:23] It's like he just gave me a gift, Elliot.

[1:22:27] Derek continues.

[1:22:28] Anyway, what celebrity's death would most greatly upset you

[1:22:31] if it happened in 2017?

[1:22:33] Also, do you have any plans to do a live show in Boston

[1:22:36] anytime soon?

[1:22:37] We'd love to see it.

[1:22:38] ROCK in the USA.

[1:22:39] Sincerely, Derek, last name withheld.

[1:22:41] Not sure if we can do a Boston show.

[1:22:43] I'm worried that the Beantown bad boy

[1:22:45] and his brother the bad boy would come beat us up.

[1:22:47] Wait, which one is the Beantown bad boy?

[1:22:49] Casey?

[1:22:50] Casey, I'm like, yeah.

[1:22:52] Oh, okay.

[1:22:53] There's the Beantown bad boy and the Beantown bad boy?

[1:22:55] Yeah.

[1:22:56] Okay.

[1:22:57] Because he's a bad man.

[1:22:58] Because he's a bad man.

[1:22:59] I don't think, I'm surprised I have to explain this.

[1:23:01] No, no, I was just wondering which one was the bad boy.

[1:23:03] Well, if, I mean, apparently Elliot Kalin is a celebrity

[1:23:08] in this scenario, so Elliot.

[1:23:10] I would be the saddest if he died.

[1:23:12] Elliot would be the one that I would choose to be saddest if.

[1:23:16] So first off.

[1:23:18] He passed away.

[1:23:19] Derek.

[1:23:20] Thank you, I appreciate that.

[1:23:21] It's a lovely letter, but this game is fucked up.

[1:23:24] Yeah, I would say, I was thinking about this and it was like,

[1:23:27] all of them, any of them, like I don't like it when people die.

[1:23:30] Like I don't want them to die.

[1:23:32] Clearly there are people that I know personally

[1:23:34] that I'd be very upset about, but it's not like,

[1:23:36] I never hear that a celebrity has died and I'm like, good.

[1:23:39] Like maybe when Bill Cosby passes,

[1:23:41] that'd be more out of like the world is safer now.

[1:23:44] Like I don't, it's hard for me to think of a celebrity death

[1:23:47] where I'm just totally positive in favor.

[1:23:50] Yeah.

[1:23:51] Fair enough.

[1:23:52] I mean, I think there's a lot of young celebrities

[1:23:55] that would be, I guess, more tragic.

[1:23:57] Oh, certainly if like Dakota Fanning died,

[1:23:59] that would be very tragic.

[1:24:01] And I would be super sad.

[1:24:03] Although not surprised if like Weird Al passed away

[1:24:05] because I know he's like a super big drug addict.

[1:24:08] Wait, what?

[1:24:09] Right?

[1:24:10] Isn't he like a super big heroin head?

[1:24:12] I don't believe so.

[1:24:13] That's what they call him, right?

[1:24:14] Like when, like when Jimmy Stewart died,

[1:24:19] I don't remember being very upset,

[1:24:20] but like he was an old man.

[1:24:22] Certainly there's something more tragic

[1:24:23] to when a younger star passes.

[1:24:25] Well.

[1:24:26] But it's always sad when someone dies.

[1:24:28] Yeah.

[1:24:29] When I was thinking about this,

[1:24:30] but to play along with the very sick game for a moment.

[1:24:34] Okay, sure.

[1:24:35] When I was thinking about this,

[1:24:36] like immediately like I sprung to people

[1:24:38] who are like important to me,

[1:24:40] like you're David Burns or you're Bill Murray's.

[1:24:44] But then I also like under the rubric

[1:24:48] that he like put out of like people

[1:24:50] who feel like they've got a lot of unfinished work

[1:24:53] to do in the world.

[1:24:54] And like I would be upset because of that.

[1:24:56] I think that someone like the Coen brothers,

[1:24:58] if they, if like one of them passed on.

[1:25:02] I guess so.

[1:25:03] And I'd be missing out on like years of work

[1:25:05] that they could do.

[1:25:06] The other thing I think about when this comes to mind

[1:25:09] is that like I don't like seeing people die,

[1:25:11] but there are people that I want to outlive

[1:25:13] because they're older than me.

[1:25:15] Like when Bill Murray dies or someone like that,

[1:25:17] it'll make me sad because it's like, oh,

[1:25:19] I love a lot of his work.

[1:25:20] But at the same time, like he's much older than me.

[1:25:22] If I don't live to see Bill Murray die,

[1:25:24] I've died young, like a bus hit me

[1:25:26] or maybe an asteroid fell out of the sky

[1:25:29] and smushed me.

[1:25:30] Like I would, as much as I don't want

[1:25:32] to see these people die,

[1:25:33] like I want to live to see them die,

[1:25:35] not out of indictedness,

[1:25:36] just because like I got a lot more living left to do, dude.

[1:25:38] They're a lot older than me.

[1:25:39] You're able to really approach your emotions intellectually.

[1:25:42] I have to.

[1:25:43] You're a pretty cool white dude on the internet.

[1:25:45] Oh, come on.

[1:25:46] No, but I guess I'm, I guess I'm with you.

[1:25:50] I mean, like you can rationalize a lot of different things.

[1:25:53] And I think that like,

[1:25:55] I think thinking about like missing a celebrity

[1:25:58] because of their effect on your life,

[1:26:01] i.e. they're not able to make things you like

[1:26:04] is kind of weird.

[1:26:05] No offense, Dan.

[1:26:06] I don't know if it's like I can.

[1:26:08] I mean, I'm just going off of what this.

[1:26:11] Dan's playing within the rules.

[1:26:12] I'm playing within the rules that were established.

[1:26:14] You and me have decided to not play by the rules.

[1:26:17] Dan's playing by the rules.

[1:26:18] We're going all Kobayashi Maru

[1:26:20] and we're questioning the basic situation.

[1:26:22] We rip the rules manual apart and we say,

[1:26:24] we're using these pieces how we want.

[1:26:26] I'm going to pour alcohol in the thimble and drink it

[1:26:29] and then spend the monopoly money wherever I want.

[1:26:32] But it's like there's also,

[1:26:34] Dan, you and I are in a weird case

[1:26:36] in that we have worked with a number of well-known people.

[1:26:39] And so there are people that we have like personal relationships with.

[1:26:43] Yeah.

[1:26:44] And so it would be, it's like, does that person enter into it?

[1:26:47] Because these are people that I consider friends.

[1:26:49] Like I don't think of them as celebrities.

[1:26:51] I would say you would remove them from the category.

[1:26:53] Okay.

[1:26:54] For this game, this most dangerous game, some might say,

[1:26:57] because you might hurt someone's feelings.

[1:26:59] It's only people who you admire from afar.

[1:27:02] Yes.

[1:27:03] Okay.

[1:27:04] Yeah.

[1:27:05] I mean, for actors, it would be like, I don't know,

[1:27:08] like you're like Ian McKellen's and stuff.

[1:27:12] Like people that, in addition to making work I admire,

[1:27:15] just in general, they seem to bring joy into the world.

[1:27:19] Uh-huh.

[1:27:20] And they're also in the age bracket that I guess they could pass away

[1:27:25] and I wouldn't be totally shocked.

[1:27:27] You wouldn't be shocked.

[1:27:28] I'd just be sad.

[1:27:29] Yeah, yeah.

[1:27:30] That makes sense.

[1:27:31] Like Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart, God, that would be horrible.

[1:27:34] Yeah.

[1:27:35] But at the same time, Stewart, I want you to live to see them die

[1:27:38] because they're much older than you.

[1:27:40] Thank you.

[1:27:41] I would much rather they pass before you than vice versa.

[1:27:44] The same way that like –

[1:27:46] I mean, I think the idea is if they pass away this year,

[1:27:49] I think is part of the thing.

[1:27:50] Yeah, yeah.

[1:27:51] But whatever.

[1:27:52] Come on.

[1:27:53] Yeah, I mean, I'm going to live through the year, right?

[1:27:54] That's the –

[1:27:55] well, then I even more want them to die before you

[1:27:57] because that would be horrifically traumatizing to me

[1:28:01] if I was like, you died next year

[1:28:03] but Ian McKellen was still walking the earth, jogging around.

[1:28:06] He's bringing joy, but it's like, come on, dude.

[1:28:09] That life belonged to Stewart.

[1:28:11] Yeah.

[1:28:12] Why do you have to hit Stewart with your car?

[1:28:15] How come when that one kidney was available,

[1:28:17] Ian McKellen, you just grabbed it right out of the box?

[1:28:20] You didn't even let Stewart get a chance.

[1:28:24] This has gotten even weirder than I anticipated.

[1:28:26] So let's move on.

[1:28:27] Wait, Ian McKellen and Stewart grappling over the one last kidney

[1:28:31] for their transplant?

[1:28:32] A true duel.

[1:28:33] This one is –

[1:28:35] A true duel.

[1:28:37] I apologize.

[1:28:39] I lost the name of whoever wrote this in, so sorry.

[1:28:42] So I guess let's just assume it's –

[1:28:44] Ian McKellen.

[1:28:45] Ian McKellen.

[1:28:46] Ian, last name withheld.

[1:28:47] Dear Floppers, I love your show.

[1:28:49] Please don't talk about me dying.

[1:28:51] Yeah.

[1:28:52] That kidney is mine.

[1:28:53] Yeah, the end.

[1:28:54] The doggone kidney is mine.

[1:28:56] It changes that song a lot

[1:28:57] after arguing over the last transplant organ.

[1:29:00] This email goes like this.

[1:29:02] You guys mentioned Constantine in the Mother's Day app.

[1:29:05] And I was reminded of Peter Stormare's wacky Lucifer in that movie.

[1:29:08] He is great.

[1:29:09] I went on thinking and realized

[1:29:12] there's kind of a bunch of middle-aged famous actors

[1:29:14] who have played the devil in recent bad movies.

[1:29:16] I'm thinking Peter Fonda in Ghost Rider,

[1:29:18] Al Pacino in The Devil's Advocate,

[1:29:20] and Will Smith in Winter's Tale.

[1:29:22] Why is this?

[1:29:23] Is there an idea that playing literal Satan is a meaty role?

[1:29:26] Or is it an excuse to put in a totally campy performance?

[1:29:30] Alternatively, which current leading men

[1:29:32] can you see playing the devil 10 to 20 years from now?

[1:29:35] My money is on a super weird, super middle-aged Ryan Gosling.

[1:29:38] Love the show.

[1:29:39] Thanks for making me laugh awkwardly around strangers in my laundromat.

[1:29:44] Laundromat?

[1:29:45] Laundromat.

[1:29:46] Oh, okay.

[1:29:47] Yeah, that's the word.

[1:29:49] So, of the ones you mentioned before,

[1:29:52] like the Peter Fonda performance

[1:29:55] and the Al Pacino performance are great.

[1:29:57] Will Smith, I think, is a good performance.

[1:30:00] just like and i know i think we praise of the time i think it's a an

[1:30:03] interesting choice

[1:30:04] but i don't think will smith though he has

[1:30:06] charisma in spades

[1:30:09] does is not

[1:30:10] doesn't have the like darkness kind of

[1:30:13] he plays a devil who

[1:30:14] it's hard to believe that devil being evil

[1:30:17] if anything he just seems like kind of an amoral wizard

[1:30:20] i just realized i said in spades and that's totally fucking god damn it

[1:30:24] i was hoping not to call attention to it because it was a bad choice of words

[1:30:27] it's a stupid choice of words. I didn't want to make you feel bad. No, I should feel bad. I'm a dummy.

[1:30:32] so stewart inadvertently used a racist word but he didn't mean to

[1:30:36] god damn it

[1:30:38] so dan, you'll edit that out, right?

[1:30:40] uh... yeah... it's okay. You don't have to. Anyway... I'll fucking take my lumps.

[1:30:46] uh... so

[1:30:47] but stewart meant well everybody. Come on, he didn't know what he was doing. He's just a kid.

[1:30:51] look at him. A little guy, you know? Yeah, I'm blaster from beyond time and space.

[1:30:57] And I'm master just riding around on his back telling him what to do.

[1:31:02] That was a blaster impression that stewart was doing.

[1:31:06] so

[1:31:07] uh... i was thinking about it and

[1:31:09] uh...

[1:31:10] i didn't actually

[1:31:11] uh...

[1:31:12] I'm going to pull back the curtain for a second and say that dan sent some of

[1:31:16] these questions to us ahead of time

[1:31:18] but he didn't specify that we're talking about an act uh...

[1:31:21] for some reason i got the impression from the letter that it was male

[1:31:25] but from your question i thought

[1:31:27] uh... aubrey plaza would be a really great devil. I mean it's kind of what she played in legion.

[1:31:31] yeah spoiler alert but she's great in that. Yeah, she's fantastic in that.

[1:31:35] uh... and i think she's got both like the kind of darkness and the charisma

[1:31:40] I can see that. And the uniqueness and talent.

[1:31:42] i think she would play

[1:31:43] very much the kind

[1:31:45] and what?

[1:31:47] uh... charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent.

[1:31:49] those are the four qualities that america's next drag superstar needs to have.

[1:31:53] Oh, I see.

[1:31:55] I didn't realize that.

[1:31:56] uh... i was thinking that she would make a great devil and she'd make a

[1:32:00] great charismatic devil. Now

[1:32:02] here's something we see a lot of devils that are like

[1:32:05] super suave or super hammy or like

[1:32:08] they're like

[1:32:09] cool or stochastic or whatever.

[1:32:11] here's what i'd like to see in about twenty years

[1:32:14] chyla buff

[1:32:15] i'd like to see him playing kind of like

[1:32:18] playing kind of like a drained

[1:32:19] seen-it-all

[1:32:21] like exhausted devil

[1:32:24] like not in a funny way but in the way of like

[1:32:26] the devil does not take joy in the suffering of others but it's the role

[1:32:30] he's gotta play

[1:32:31] and so

[1:32:32] he's driving people to their doom he's a bad guy

[1:32:35] but he's not like

[1:32:36] he he he, oh somebody stop me

[1:32:39] which i realize now is the mask not the devil but it's like uh...

[1:32:42] same thing. Elliot when you think of the devil do you just think of the mask? I mean if i met the

[1:32:47] mask

[1:32:48] i'd be like you're the devil aren't you?

[1:32:49] like you seem like you have... you're wearing a god damn zoot suit like a cherry bob and danny

[1:32:57] there's nothing more devilish than that but the idea of like a... there's a moment in uh...

[1:33:02] in uh... the

[1:33:04] megadeth song prince of darkness where

[1:33:07] he has this intro at the beginning where he's like i'm more powerful than all the

[1:33:10] armies of the world i'm so evil da da and he goes

[1:33:12] uh... and he sounds so tired in that moment

[1:33:16] like the devil has to put up this huge front

[1:33:19] he is the most evil person in the universe but like

[1:33:22] he is tired of it he's been doing it for thousands of years

[1:33:25] that's the Shia LaBeouf devil i want to see someday is like

[1:33:28] exhausted still evil he's still doing bad stuff

[1:33:31] but there's no joy in it for him he's just kinda like

[1:33:34] always got stubble and like

[1:33:36] kinda gone to seed and like is not he's not a he's not an attractive figure

[1:33:40] you know that evil is unattractive you know

[1:33:43] uh... it's gonna be hard for Shia LaBeouf to play unattractive because he's a hunk

[1:33:47] i have two answers one is a young person and one is someone that i'm surprised

[1:33:53] hasn't played the devil already the Bill Zabub

[1:33:56] yeah

[1:33:57] because that's certainly a devil name right there

[1:34:00] uh... i think that's a guy who directs like

[1:34:02] low-budget horror movies i'm sure he does i think i think it would be funny to see james

[1:34:07] franco as sort of a sleepy sort of a stoned devil

[1:34:10] okay

[1:34:11] like a forgetful devil a sly little devil

[1:34:14] he hasn't done he hasn't played the devil before

[1:34:16] no that's kinda weird

[1:34:18] i think it would be fun and then i mean he kinda played the devil when he co-hosted the

[1:34:21] oscars with ann hathaway he did play the devil

[1:34:24] when he just like didn't give a shit and didn't do his job

[1:34:28] this is so weird right if they had announced at the beginning

[1:34:32] hosted by ann hathaway and james franco as the devil i think people would have been like

[1:34:36] this makes sense okay great

[1:34:38] and he did all the exact same things

[1:34:40] and then uh... the older actor that i'm surprised hasn't played the devil yet is gary oldman

[1:34:45] oh yeah i can see that

[1:34:47] i think he would be a good devil he's played devilish characters before

[1:34:51] no i'm thinking of vigo mortensen

[1:34:53] yeah

[1:34:55] vigo mortensen could do it too i guess i'm saying he hasn't played vigo mortensen either

[1:35:00] he played vigo mortensen in that one movie uh... gary oldman plays vigo mortensen in

[1:35:05] the making of eastern promises

[1:35:08] uh... this letter's from

[1:35:10] kenneth's last name withheld anger

[1:35:13] who writes the frequency

[1:35:15] guys everyone asks me what the frequency is but i don't know can you tell me

[1:35:20] my question is simple someday i would like to be the life of at least one party

[1:35:24] there are many other possibly more party oriented podcasts i could express this motivation to

[1:35:29] but as you three are my only imaginary friends and sometimes i talk back to the podcast and

[1:35:32] pretend that i'm part of the conversation

[1:35:34] i thought i'd ask you the simple question like this episode just keep yelling

[1:35:38] be better

[1:35:39] be a better podcast

[1:35:41] or just keep going oh wow

[1:35:43] the party wow what would make me faded to play the part of bachus in whatever

[1:35:48] party celebration festival or fet the norms of

[1:35:52] the norns have chosen my favor

[1:35:54] is it good looks don't talk about the norns in front of people

[1:35:59] that's one way to not pluck your party strings

[1:36:02] is it good looks accentuated by a bow tie that spins when i pull a string

[1:36:06] is it an amusing trick played on my comrades using a plastic artifact which

[1:36:10] resembles a facial wound or possibly a chemical spill on the woodwork

[1:36:14] what i need to wear is tuxedo for maximum effect

[1:36:17] if perchance this question stumps the panel of magnificent dude meat

[1:36:21] may have to flop house house cat

[1:36:23] might weigh in on this heart palpitating wist of mine

[1:36:27] pop selzer kenneth lasting withheld postscript

[1:36:29] i'd like to know what if anything lies under the carpet in the radius or dungeon

[1:36:33] it hasn't been yet examined

[1:36:36] uh... we carpet

[1:36:38] bug is this

[1:36:39] house looking at a door to do it

[1:36:42] that the doormat and i think you might be talking about the semi-canonical

[1:36:46] of future sequence we were talking about okay i forgot about that

[1:36:51] in the door dude then we can talk about what's under the carpet

[1:36:54] so are we and whether that carpet matches says rick drapes

[1:36:59] we're helping him uh... i think a lot of the party

[1:37:02] okay so uh... to realize there is a lot of jokes here guys you know i'm full of

[1:37:08] them

[1:37:08] uh... i got a whole bunch of people and one party

[1:37:12] uh... and still

[1:37:14] i would say uh... don't be afraid to uh... look like a moron

[1:37:19] so don't be afraid to look silly

[1:37:22] and make a point to ask people questions and practice active listening

[1:37:27] and i think those are like be able to do a little bit of small talk and be

[1:37:30] somewhat interesting

[1:37:32] and also not taking yourself too seriously i think our tricks and you

[1:37:36] may be appointed to be interested

[1:37:38] yeah like actually make other people feel of value is super important

[1:37:44] and i want to talk to you

[1:37:46] i suggest a trick called

[1:37:48] w w d and d which is what would then not do

[1:37:51] this is good advice

[1:37:54] coming from a man who eliot

[1:37:56] uh... he came to my birthday party and said

[1:37:59] how is it you're sitting alone at your own birthday party

[1:38:02] well cuz dan here's here's the thing when you throw a birthday party

[1:38:05] you gotta mingle and say hi to everybody they're your friends dan had a very big

[1:38:08] turnout for his birthday party yeah and yet

[1:38:11] like uh... like he's you you would think that he was like in a dying old man

[1:38:15] and then he expected everyone to just come to him and

[1:38:17] bow at his feet and deliver him presents of gold and frankincense

[1:38:22] like a fucking sultan of the east

[1:38:24] eventually i got up from my seat and i mingled around

[1:38:29] so how did your friend stefan

[1:38:33] giving you a it was stefan

[1:38:36] yeah stefan our buddy who went to school with us gave you a

[1:38:40] what a pinata of you

[1:38:44] well the character he used to do

[1:38:46] yes yeah it was so it was so different than actual dan

[1:38:51] but he gave you a pinata of you how did that affect your approach toward the

[1:38:55] party

[1:38:56] uh... it made me creeped out

[1:38:58] and uh... off foot ok so also what would stefan not do yeah don't give the

[1:39:05] host of the party a pinata that looks sort of like them but also looks like

[1:39:08] kind of a ghost of them like uh...

[1:39:11] a featureless uh... horrified

[1:39:16] simulacra of them so when you're breaking it open to get the sweet candy inside

[1:39:21] it's like you're fighting your own soul yeah to get candy of all things

[1:39:25] uh... a scathing

[1:39:27] acting out of

[1:39:29] creative fight i assume you have with yourself all the time about selling out

[1:39:33] and doing a big tv show instead of following your dream

[1:39:35] of writing movies where women wear bikinis and their tops come off yeah it's weird

[1:39:39] because instead of candy on the inside it was filled with packets of mayonnaise

[1:39:42] and thumbtacks that sounds terrible yeah here's my advice

[1:39:47] you want to know how to be the life of the party

[1:39:49] don't worry about being the life of the party just go to the party and have fun dude

[1:39:54] yeah put the blast shield down dude like who cares if you're popular or people

[1:39:58] talking about you afterwards

[1:40:00] a good time, if you're talking to people and interacting and just like enjoying yourself

[1:40:03] and helping to raise the level of fun just by being there and being fun, that's all you

[1:40:08] got to do at a party.

[1:40:09] Yeah, and then make sure you leave by nine so you can get a nice meal and get a bunch

[1:40:13] of Z's.

[1:40:14] Yeah.

[1:40:15] By Z's you mean za, by which you mean pizza, right?

[1:40:17] Yeah, yeah.

[1:40:18] Because you're a Ninja Turtle.

[1:40:19] Yeah, get a bunch of Z's.

[1:40:22] And it took me a long time to realize like, oh, if I'm going somewhere and I want to be

[1:40:26] comfortable and interact with people, then I should just like be myself and interact

[1:40:31] with people.

[1:40:32] And then I'll have a good time.

[1:40:33] Elliot also practices the leave them wanting more strategy, where he leaves early every

[1:40:37] time.

[1:40:38] Stuart does the stays there until the last drop strategy, where he's like, wait, you

[1:40:43] guys are done?

[1:40:44] What's going on?

[1:40:45] Let's keep drinking.

[1:40:46] I mean, the thing is, I leave early, but it takes me about an hour to say goodbye to everybody.

[1:40:49] So I have to start my goodbyes even earlier than when I actually leave.

[1:40:53] Oh, weird, yeah.

[1:40:54] Is there a reason it takes you a long time to say something?

[1:40:59] Cut me to the click.

[1:41:00] Uh, I'm, you know, you might surprise listeners to learn that I'm also a stay there till the

[1:41:06] last moment party goer myself, though.

[1:41:09] Yeah, but you mean stay in the one seat and not move till the last person goes.

[1:41:14] Sure.

[1:41:15] One last letter quickly.

[1:41:17] I've been listening to a lot of back episodes.

[1:41:19] This is from Kate, last name withheld.

[1:41:20] Hey, Kate.

[1:41:21] I've been listening to a lot of back episodes of the Flophouse lately.

[1:41:24] So it's no surprise that I finally had a strange and slightly sexual, maybe Flophouse stream.

[1:41:29] Here it is.

[1:41:30] I was sunbathing at Alki Beach in Wild West Seattle, and Dan McCoy walked up to me and

[1:41:35] asked if he could lay down and use my butt as a pillow while he worked on his tan.

[1:41:38] I let him use my butt as a pillow.

[1:41:41] That was the whole dream.

[1:41:42] Anyways, love your podcast.

[1:41:44] Keep on flopping, Kate.

[1:41:45] Dan's Casper is getting a workout tonight, boy.

[1:41:47] Elliot had this look on his face like, why did we go to this letter?

[1:41:56] No, no.

[1:41:57] I understand why we went to the letter.

[1:41:58] Yeah.

[1:41:59] Yeah, but that was not in any way a mystery.

[1:42:02] It's like the end of a season of Fargo where you're like, this resolution isn't a huge

[1:42:07] surprise.

[1:42:08] So I'm not shocked, but I'm just disappointed we got here.

[1:42:13] No, but that sounds actually like a very nice dream.

[1:42:17] It seems like I liked it because it was sort of a sweet dream.

[1:42:20] Yeah.

[1:42:21] Sweet, erotic dream.

[1:42:22] Something very nice about it.

[1:42:24] There's a kindness to the eroticism that brings to mind late night showtime movie viewings.

[1:42:32] Yeah.

[1:42:33] But like the ones that are like comedies, not the ones that are like thrillers.

[1:42:37] Yeah.

[1:42:38] Like when the guy gets shrunken down and he's in the ladies underpants.

[1:42:41] Do you ever watch that movie?

[1:42:43] No, I know.

[1:42:44] I know what movie you're talking about.

[1:42:46] It was a, it was a USA Apple night in mainstay.

[1:42:49] Yeah.

[1:42:50] There was a scene where he's like climbing around on her pubic hair and it's like, honey,

[1:42:54] I shrunk the kids.

[1:42:55] But with like, I don't know.

[1:42:57] I don't remember that one.

[1:42:58] It was super erotic or was it super erotic?

[1:43:02] Do you guys remember one?

[1:43:03] It was a USA Apple night movie about a guy and a girl are become college roommates for

[1:43:08] some reason and they start to be, they're like competing as pimps where they're both

[1:43:14] running different prostitution rings between college students having sex with other college

[1:43:18] students.

[1:43:19] And at the end they merge their businesses and sleep together.

[1:43:22] And I guess they're in a relationship now.

[1:43:24] And I was thinking about this the other day about what a weird storyline that is.

[1:43:29] And I was trying to remember the name of the movie and I couldn't, so.

[1:43:33] But if I had a dime for every USA Apple night movie I couldn't remember the name of, I'd

[1:43:36] have plenty of dimes.

[1:43:38] Probably at least a dollar's worth of dimes.

[1:43:41] You better believe.

[1:43:42] Yeah, sure.

[1:43:43] Okay.

[1:43:44] So what's the next part of this podcast?

[1:43:45] The next and last part of this podcast is where we recommend movies.

[1:43:48] Movies that you should watch instead of watching the movie that we watched tonight, which was

[1:43:53] called...

[1:43:54] U.S.S.

[1:43:55] Naptown.

[1:43:56] Naptown.

[1:43:59] Andy Naptown.

[1:44:01] Yeah, thank you.

[1:44:03] Elliot, you look like you got something right on the tip of that little tongue.

[1:44:06] I got a, my tongue is very small.

[1:44:08] And yes, I have, so I can go first if you want.

[1:44:10] I saw a movie recently that I really liked a lot.

[1:44:13] It was at times a bracing, but really well made.

[1:44:20] And that was a documentary movie called I Am Not Your Negro.

[1:44:23] Oh, okay.

[1:44:24] Directed by Raoul Peck.

[1:44:25] And it's basically, it's not exactly about James Baldwin, but it is taking some unfinished

[1:44:33] work of James Baldwin's about, the focus is simply about the death of Medgar Evers, Malcolm

[1:44:40] X, and Martin Luther King, but also through the way Raoul Peck juxtaposes that with other

[1:44:46] things, relating the civil rights struggle of the 60s with the earlier plight of African

[1:44:52] Americans, and then what's going on with black people today and Black Lives Matters, and

[1:44:56] creating a continuum between those things to show that those problems are underlying

[1:45:02] problems and continuing problems that can't go away easily and have not been dealt with.

[1:45:06] And it uses a lot of footage of James Baldwin just speaking, and James Baldwin is one of

[1:45:14] the most articulate people who ever existed, basically.

[1:45:17] And he's such a magnetic and deep thinking speaker that his writing I'm always incredibly

[1:45:25] inspired by and confronted by in ways that don't always make me comfortable but are not

[1:45:31] supposed to make me comfortable.

[1:45:33] And seeing him speak is such an electrifying experience.

[1:45:36] And the parts of the work that are from his writing are read by Samuel L. Jackson, and

[1:45:42] it was a long time into the movie before I realized it was Samuel L. Jackson.

[1:45:45] It's like maybe this narration is like one of the best performances by Samuel L. Jackson

[1:45:49] I've seen in a long time, where it feels like he is becoming this character rather than

[1:45:53] playing his regular Samuel L. Jackson part.

[1:45:56] And I thought it was really good and made me – it was one of those things where it's

[1:46:00] like it didn't – it's not exactly like it made me question my beliefs, but it made

[1:46:04] me reassert some beliefs and confront them and ask myself questions about how I'm living

[1:46:11] them, basically, those beliefs.

[1:46:12] And I thought it was really effective and good.

[1:46:15] That's called I Am Not Your Negro.

[1:46:17] Yeah.

[1:46:18] I've heard all the good things.

[1:46:20] I'm really bad about getting around to watching documentaries in general.

[1:46:24] No, and this is also like it's not like a fun movie to watch in any sense of the word.

[1:46:29] Like it's a movie that – it's not like –

[1:46:31] This is a toss-up.

[1:46:32] Should I watch Lego Batman?

[1:46:35] It's not like, oh, that was a hard day at work.

[1:46:37] I guess I'll kick back and watch I Am Not Your Negro and kind of be forced to confront

[1:46:42] the sins that I am complicit in in the nation.

[1:46:45] I will say that at one point, in order to make the point, there are some movie clips

[1:46:49] that uses – it also talks about a little bit of a portrayal of nonwhite people in movies

[1:46:54] in a way that James Baldwin wrote about in his work.

[1:46:57] And there's a part where to kind of show the obliviousness of white America that was

[1:47:02] built on the oppression of black America.

[1:47:05] It shows a clip from The Pajama Game, and there was a moment where I was like,

[1:47:09] well, if you're going to hold up musicals to this level, then wait a minute.

[1:47:13] But it's not a movie that you can just sit back for relaxation, but it was really good.

[1:47:18] Yeah.

[1:47:19] Speaking of documentaries, I wanted to recommend maybe my favorite documentary,

[1:47:24] which is a movie called Crumb, which is about Robert Crumb.

[1:47:28] Now, Robert Crumb is – let's call him a problematic figure.

[1:47:34] Having just recommended I Am Not Your Negro, certainly Crumb's treatment of black people

[1:47:39] in his work is problematic.

[1:47:42] I don't know whether he is racist himself.

[1:47:46] He certainly treats a lot of racist imagery in his work.

[1:47:53] He comes from this – like Crumb as an artist is an amazing artist,

[1:47:57] but his subject matter, a lot of it I feel like comes from that 60s National Lampoon type era feeling.

[1:48:04] I guess National Lampoon was a little later, where it was like white guys fighting against authority

[1:48:10] would still do shitty things and talk shitty things about black people and women.

[1:48:15] Definitely.

[1:48:16] Where it was like it's time for us to rise up and fight the power, but you guys are still below me.

[1:48:21] And he has – there's a lot of that in his work.

[1:48:25] I kind of feel like Johnny Ryan is kind of like a modern equivalent of that too.

[1:48:30] He's still – it's almost like the I'm going to be as offensive as possible targeting everybody all the time.

[1:48:38] But I feel like with Johnny Ryan, there's like a consciousness about doing that, whereas with Robert Crumb, I feel like there was a little bit of like this is the kind of – these are the kind of cartoon images of black people I grew up with.

[1:48:48] So I'm going to play with that iconography.

[1:48:50] Yeah, no, definitely.

[1:48:53] Yeah, no, I was going to get around to that too.

[1:48:56] He's got racist imagery.

[1:48:58] His treatment of women is terrible, let's say.

[1:49:04] But they're all –

[1:49:06] But his draftsmanship.

[1:49:08] But his crosshatching.

[1:49:09] No, I'm not going to defend Robert Crumb as a person.

[1:49:11] I don't think of the documentary does necessarily itself.

[1:49:16] He's an interesting person.

[1:49:18] He's an interesting character.

[1:49:19] And it presents his two brothers.

[1:49:20] It's weird when you watch a movie about Robert Crumb and you're like, oh, Robert Crumb was the normal one.

[1:49:24] That he has these crazier brothers.

[1:49:27] Well, that's the thing.

[1:49:28] Like you see how art has rescued Robert Crumb in a certain way, whereas where he can vomit out kind of all of these unpleasant sides of his personality onto the page, whereas his brothers were not necessarily saved by that in the same way.

[1:49:44] They don't have an outlet.

[1:49:46] I mean both of them are like artists to some degree or another, but not in the same way that Robert Crumb is.

[1:49:51] Not in a kind of recognized acclaim.

[1:49:53] Yeah, and they are both too not to put it too fine upon.

[1:50:00] mentally ill people who have their own troubles and struggles to deal with, and you see how

[1:50:09] Robert Crumb has somehow risen out of this family where there have been these problems.

[1:50:18] I'm used to thinking of him as R. Crumb, so when you say Robert Crumb, I keep thinking

[1:50:24] you're about to say Robert Krolwich from Radiolab, a very different person.

[1:50:28] Robert Krolwich, always playing around with racist and sexist iconography.

[1:50:33] Robert Krolwich, he does all those Radiolab episodes about women with very thick thighs

[1:50:37] that are either attacking him or just mindless sex objects.

[1:50:42] It's just a fascinating character study, and there's also, if you like a camera panning

[1:50:51] over beautiful line drawings while jazz music plays, that also happens in Crumb a lot.

[1:50:59] It's a movie that's, again, challenging, but I think it's a very good documentary.

[1:51:05] Stuart.

[1:51:06] I'm going to recommend a new movie.

[1:51:09] I think by the time this episode comes out, it'll have been out for a little bit.

[1:51:13] I'm recommending the new Edgar Wright movie, Baby Driver.

[1:51:17] Dan saw it last night, as well.

[1:51:20] We both saw it last night, but at different screenings.

[1:51:23] I had to go to a screening where Edgar Wright did a Q&A afterwards, fulfilling a dream of

[1:51:30] seeing one of my favorite filmmakers do a Q&A.

[1:51:36] I don't think I need to say that much more about the background of the movie.

[1:51:42] It's a heist movie, and it's a car chase movie, and it's a movie that's also kind of scene-for-scene

[1:51:50] set to music, so that even though it isn't technically a musical, in some ways it reminds

[1:51:59] me of a jukebox musical.

[1:52:01] Every scene has its own kind of rhythm that fits to the song that's been chosen.

[1:52:07] The cast is really great.

[1:52:11] My little buddy, Ansel Elgort, delivers a really great performance and holds his own

[1:52:18] sharing scenes with Kevin Spacey, Jamie Foxx, and Jon Hamm, some of the most charismatic

[1:52:26] actors currently working, like fucking movie stars.

[1:52:33] I feel like everybody involved is able to deliver these really great, I don't want to

[1:52:39] say muted, but kind of subtle performances that hint at depth and don't overshadow a

[1:52:46] movie that's already kind of big and in-your-face and kind of crazy.

[1:52:52] Now Edgar Wright's a filmmaker that some of his past work I've had really strong connections

[1:52:59] with.

[1:53:00] I found Spaced when I was in my early 20s, and it really connected with me.

[1:53:07] And then in my 30s, World's End came out, and I saw, I don't know, a lot of connections

[1:53:14] between some of the relationships I had with both people and the difference between growing

[1:53:23] up and being a man and my relationship with society.

[1:53:29] So a new Edgar Wright movie is kind of complicated for me.

[1:53:36] Going into it, I assumed I was going to like it, and I think Baby Driver's great and I

[1:53:40] like it a lot, but it isn't at the same place.

[1:53:46] Does it create that connection for you?

[1:53:48] Which is not necessarily a critique.

[1:53:52] It's just I'm not at the exact same place in my life.

[1:53:55] I think there's a lot of things that are amazing about it.

[1:53:59] It's great.

[1:54:00] You should go see it.

[1:54:03] Edgar Wright has never been good at giving female characters any kind of drive or purpose

[1:54:14] really in his movies.

[1:54:15] If ever there's a movie where they should have drive, it's Baby Driver.

[1:54:18] But it's funny.

[1:54:19] I'm sorry, Mini Driver.

[1:54:20] And a baby.

[1:54:21] And B.B.

[1:54:22] Newer.

[1:54:23] It's so funny that in a way you've got to start with Spaced, which is a show where Jessica

[1:54:31] Stevenson is great and she gets almost equal billing.

[1:54:33] She basically has equal billing to Simon Pegg.

[1:54:36] She gets to be silly.

[1:54:37] But she co-wrote it.

[1:54:38] Yeah.

[1:54:39] Well, but that's the sort of thing where you're like, it would be nice to see that kind of

[1:54:46] voice in his work again.

[1:54:50] But that said, though, this doesn't necessarily excuse it.

[1:54:53] I know my wife and a couple other female friends of mine have liked this more than any of his

[1:55:00] other works.

[1:55:02] My wife really didn't give a shit about his other stuff, but she loved like I was.

[1:55:06] I think she liked Baby Driver more than I did.

[1:55:08] I mean, the his or other stuff digs into how male friendship works so much deeper that

[1:55:14] if even if this one is not, it is not like everyone gets it, it gets fair screen time

[1:55:20] and character.

[1:55:21] If it's if it's not about that, I could see how.

[1:55:24] No, I think I think you're right.

[1:55:25] How she would like it more.

[1:55:26] Yeah.

[1:55:27] I'm excited to see it.

[1:55:28] I mean, I think I mean, I think everyone should go see it.

[1:55:31] I think it's great.

[1:55:32] I mean, the idea of a baby driving car is hilarious.

[1:55:35] It's hilarious.

[1:55:36] Like, look who's driving now and flee from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

[1:55:41] Elliot's favorite band is in it.

[1:55:42] Oh, yeah.

[1:55:43] I just love their stuff.

[1:55:45] They give it away.

[1:55:46] Song.

[1:55:47] Don't give it away.

[1:55:48] Give it to me.

[1:55:50] Well, it's late and we've been recording for a long time.

[1:55:55] So that always means one thing, and that means that we're going to go away from your ears.

[1:56:01] Back to the to the phantom zone where we exist between episodes.

[1:56:06] So we close the cupboard and we return to being little plastic stand them up.

[1:56:12] Hey, we don't say I guess that the covered we don't say enough, but we belong to a great

[1:56:18] network called Maximum Fun.

[1:56:20] Go to Maximum Fun.

[1:56:21] Dot org.

[1:56:22] Check out all the other great shows there are a lot of fantastic shows.

[1:56:25] It's a bunch of new ones, too.

[1:56:28] It's really awesome.

[1:56:29] Yeah.

[1:56:30] It's a really great network.

[1:56:31] And the level of quality is so consistent.

[1:56:34] And even when new podcasts come in like they bring quality with them, it's a really I feel

[1:56:39] very proud to be part of this network.

[1:56:41] Yeah.

[1:56:42] So why don't you go do that while we go off and go to sleep or go to sleep or go to sleep

[1:56:49] for both?

[1:56:50] You're going to go play video games all night long.

[1:56:53] I will do the opposite and creep into my house where my wife and son are sleeping and and

[1:56:59] crawl into bed.

[1:57:00] I'm going to wrap them turtle beaches around my head, turn the power on and go travel to

[1:57:05] another dimension of terror and excitement.

[1:57:10] What are you going to do?

[1:57:11] Just go to bed?

[1:57:12] I'm going to go to bed, man.

[1:57:13] I'm going to mix down these three tracks that we're recording on and then I'm going to go

[1:57:17] straight to bed.

[1:57:19] But that's a little technical talk for the podcast.

[1:57:23] Technical talk about what, bed?

[1:57:24] Yeah.

[1:57:25] On a Casper mattress.

[1:57:26] Sounds really great.

[1:57:27] For The Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:57:29] Hey, he's Elliot Kalin.

[1:57:32] Oh, wow.

[1:57:33] Stuart Wellington.

[1:57:34] Wow.

[1:57:35] Oh, man.

[1:57:36] Wow.

[1:57:37] That's Owen Wilson.

[1:57:38] Good night, everyone.

[1:57:44] How does it make you feel when Elliot gives you like a really solid burn when you try

[1:57:52] to put out something honest in this in the world, like make some real honest, creative

[1:57:57] content?

[1:57:58] Like that jingle?

[1:57:59] Yeah.

[1:58:00] Yeah.

[1:58:01] How does it make you feel when Elliot just fucking holds your feet to the coals?

[1:58:04] Just totally rocks you.

[1:58:05] Rocks you.

[1:58:06] Flavor blasts me.

[1:58:07] Flavor blasts me?

[1:58:08] Yeah.

[1:58:09] Yeah.

[1:58:10] How does it make you feel?

[1:58:11] You know, I feel like a little part of my soul dies.

[1:58:15] Oh, wow.

[1:58:16] OK.

[1:58:17] You got a big soul.

[1:58:18] Oh, wow.

[1:58:19] Wow.

[1:58:20] It's me, Owen Wilson.

[1:58:21] No, it doesn't sound anything like Owen Wilson.

[1:58:22] Wow.

[1:58:23] How does he fucking sound then, dude?

[1:58:24] Wow.

[1:58:25] Wow.

[1:58:26] Wow.

[1:58:27] Wow.

[1:58:28] Wow.

[1:58:29] Wow.

[1:58:30] Wow.

[1:58:31] Wow.

[1:58:32] Wow.

[1:58:33] Wow.

[1:58:34] Wow.

[1:58:35] Wow.

[1:58:36] Wow.

[1:58:38] Wow.

[1:58:39] Wow.

[1:58:40] Wow.

[1:58:41] Wow.

[1:58:42] Wow.

[1:58:43] Wow.

[1:58:44] Wow.

[1:58:45] Wow.

[1:58:46] Wow.

[1:58:47] Wow.

[1:58:48] Wow.

[1:58:49] Wow.

[1:58:50] Wow.

[1:58:51] Wow.

[1:58:52] Are you saying he's better than I am, Dan?

[1:58:53] Right there.

[1:58:54] Look, my impression isn't great either.

[1:58:55] Wow.

[1:58:56] Wow.

[1:58:57] Wow.

[1:58:58] Wow.

[1:58:59] Wow.

[1:59:00] Now I can't do it anymore.

[1:59:01] MaximumFun.org.

[1:59:02] Comedy and culture.

[1:59:03] Artist owned.

Ep. #235 - USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage

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