Ep. #235 - USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss USS Indianapolis, men of courage.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] Wow.

[0:06] Wow.

[0:07] We're Owen Wilson.

[0:08] We're not in this movie.

[0:10] Wow.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] And it's me, Elliot Kalin.

[0:45] Wow.

[0:46] Wow.

[0:47] Or am I Owen Wilson?

[0:48] Wow.

[0:49] Ernest Hemingway, I can't believe you're here.

[0:52] I love your books.

[0:54] Wow.

[0:55] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[0:55] Wow.

[0:56] That's a good impression.

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] Wow.

[0:57] Roz Chast from the New Yorker cartoon pages.

[1:01] You're here in 1920s Paris.

[1:03] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] I don't understand why that would be true.

[1:05] Seems very strange.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Wow.

[1:07] Rhonda Shear from USA Up All Night.

[1:09] This is amazing.

[1:11] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:12] This is a weird Midnight in Paris sequel.

[1:15] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] Harvey Kurtzman, creator of Mad Magazine.

[1:18] What are you doing at Mad Seams?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] So, what do we do?

[1:24] We've alienated new listeners right off the bat.

[1:26] I think we've brought them all in.

[1:28] What if that new listener is Owen Wilson?

[1:30] He's like, wow, I'm on a podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] Wow.

[1:33] The Flophouse.

[1:34] I forgot I did this.

[1:35] Wow.

[1:36] I didn't even remember that I.

[1:38] Yep.

[1:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40] And I'll look in the mirror when he does it, and then he'll be trapped in that mirror.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] Yeah.

[1:44] Wait, what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] Come on.

[1:46] Come on.

[1:47] So, yeah.

[1:49] Here at the Flophouse podcast, it's a podcast that you download off the internet.

[1:52] Okay.

[1:53] And then you listen to it with your family or something on a road trip.

[1:55] Who knows?

Dan McCoy

[1:56] Thanks for explaining the idea of podcasts to the person who just downloaded one.

[2:01] But what do we do on this specific podcast, Daniel?

[2:03] On this specific podcast, I'm glad you asked Elliot Kalin.

[2:08] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:11] And on this episode, we watched USS Indianapolis, Men of Courage.

[2:17] At least most of it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] I mean, we were in the room while it was playing for the entire day.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] I mean, I went on at least one bathroom break.

[2:23] It's a long movie.

[2:24] This is, I think.

[2:25] It's a two-hour and ten-minute long movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] I don't know that we've ever had a movie together.

[2:29] Guys, we made a whoopsie.

Dan McCoy

[2:30] We shouldn't have watched this movie.

[2:32] Wow.

[2:33] What a whoopsie.

[2:34] Wow.

[2:35] I forgot to mention why we watched this movie, why we settled on it.

[2:38] Because it's Cagemas in July.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] It's that second most special time of year, Cagemas in July, when we celebrate the even lesser

[2:45] works of Nicolas Cage in the hottest of months.

[2:49] July.

[2:49] Mm-hmm.

[2:50] You know, they say July is the cagiest.

[2:51] I'm not to cook an egg on a Nicolas Cage face.

[2:55] Maybe.

[2:56] That's a weird thing to say.

[2:57] As I was saying, you know, they say July is the cagiest month.

[3:01] But I guess I should have been a pair of ragged cages scuttling across seas after the USS Indianapolis.

[3:08] I can't help you out because I don't know this poem.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] It's all T.S. Eliot stuff.

[3:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Did he say that April's the cruelest month thing?

Dan McCoy

[3:16] Dan, look it up in your brain box.

[3:18] Okay.

[3:19] I'll take out my box full of brains.

[3:21] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:22] Find T.S. Eliot's.

[3:23] Yep.

[3:23] Look it up to my Thinko machine that reads memories.

[3:27] Wow.

[3:27] T.S. Eliot.

[3:29] Wow.

[3:29] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[3:29] I've got Owen Wilson's brain.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Wow.

[3:32] I'm a brain in a box.

[3:33] It's like that movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:33] They saved Owen Wilson's brain.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] Wow.

[3:36] Thanks for saving my brain.

[3:38] Wow.

[3:40] Anyway.

[3:41] Anyway.

[3:42] Anyway.

[3:42] So this movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:43] Anyway, in our world, Owen Wilson says wow a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:46] They saw Midnight in Paris.

[3:47] All he does is say wow all movie.

[3:50] It's a movie I like actually.

[3:52] So USS Indianapolis, Men of Courage.

[3:55] If you haven't heard of this movie, there's a reason for it.

[3:58] It was a big flop.

[4:00] But it's got an all-star cast.

[4:01] Nicolas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane appears in at least two scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] James Remar is in two scenes.

[4:07] James, mother scratchin' Remar.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] Who is, I don't think we talk about him much on the Flophouse, but he is, I think, a favorite

[4:12] of ours, I would say.

Stuart Wellington

[4:13] Oh, he's so great.

[4:15] He, I mean, you know, I don't want to get ahead of myself here, guys.

[4:19] Okay.

[4:19] But as he can come onto this piece of trash and immediately you're like, oh, wow, I might

[4:25] actually be watching a movie for a second.

[4:27] Yeah.

[4:28] And then he waltzes off and we're like, oh, it's not a movie anymore.

Dan McCoy

[4:32] I like him because his name sounds like James Rebar, which is that metal stuff that gets

[4:37] stuck through people all the time in action films.

[4:40] Yeah, yeah.

[4:40] And it holds your building together.

[4:42] Yeah.

[4:42] I just mostly think about it as the thing that injures people in action.

Elliott Kalan

[4:45] They put it into buildings so that it can be propelled out by explosions to get through

[4:49] people.

Stuart Wellington

[4:49] Or I think of it because that was the name of the bar slash wedding venue that our friend

[4:55] Joe got married at.

[4:55] And then a couple months later, the owners just surprisingly ran away after they'd taken

[5:01] a whole bunch of wedding deposits.

[5:02] And all these people were totally fucked because they'd like planned their wedding.

[5:06] And this fucking dude just bounced with all their cash.

Elliott Kalan

[5:09] So if your wedding was ruined by this, just write to James Rebar, care of the USS Indianapolis,

[5:15] 123 Bad Movie Street, Hollywood, California, 90210.

[5:19] Now, let's talk about the movie.

[5:23] Why don't we?

[5:24] This movie is based on a true story, specifically the true story that most people know from the

[5:28] monologue that Quint tells in Jaws about the USS Indianapolis, the Navy ship that delivered

[5:34] the atomic bomb before it was dropped on Japan.

[5:36] And then was sunk by a Japanese torpedo.

[5:40] And guys fell out of that boat right into the mouths of some hungry sharks.

[5:44] And the men were floating in the water forever while sharks were just nibbling on them.

Stuart Wellington

[5:48] Now, guys, I don't want to, you know, you know, flex my credentials here being the only.

[5:53] Please don't flex your credentials.

[5:55] The resident.

[5:56] Get torn.

[5:57] The only resident.

[5:58] The only resident Hoosier.

[6:00] Okay.

[6:00] But I believe it's to locals.

[6:04] It's known as the USS Naptown.

[6:07] Naptown.

[6:08] Yeah.

[6:08] That's what locals call Indianapolis is Naptown.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] Okay.

[6:12] Why do people take a lot of naps there?

Stuart Wellington

[6:14] No, because that's if you say Indianapolis weird and you remove some of the letters, it

[6:18] sounds like nap.

[6:19] You think they'd call it like Indy?

[6:21] No, that's for that.

[6:22] That's for non-locals.

[6:24] Okay.

[6:24] But locals call it Naptown.

[6:25] Naptown.

[6:25] Yeah.

[6:26] So if you want to be cool, just for the rest of this podcast, just call it USS, wait,

[6:31] how many S's?

[6:32] Two S's.

[6:33] Naptown.

Elliott Kalan

[6:33] I think I'm comfortable not being cool.

Stuart Wellington

[6:35] Dash men of courage.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] Okay.

[6:38] So.

[6:38] Seems disrespectful to the hundreds of real men who lost their lives in the shark infested

[6:44] waters, but all right.

[6:45] Naptown it is.

[6:46] Naptown it is.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] So Mario Van Peebles directed a movie called USS Naptown, Men of Courage.

[6:52] I'll tell you who wasn't napping.

[6:54] These guys were being eaten by sharks.

[6:57] They were taking the longest nap, the dirt nap, but there was nary a dirt to be seen because

[7:02] they were in the water.

[7:04] They were buried at sea or more specifically buried inside a shark's belly.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] Are we talking about what's happening or are we talking about like the characters in the

[7:11] movie?

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] Okay.

[7:12] We didn't talk about it.

[7:13] All right.

[7:14] So it's 1945.

[7:16] We're nearing the end of World War II.

[7:17] They don't know that, but they hope it is.

[7:19] And there's a sequence where a bunch of men in a dark room basically just tell us what's

[7:25] going on in the world at the moment.

[7:27] It's one of those scenes where people, the audience needs to be brought up to speed about

[7:30] where in history we are.

[7:31] So people tell each other stuff they'd know.

[7:33] So a guy's like, look, Truman's been president for three months and we want the war to end

[7:38] soon.

[7:39] We got like, they bombed, they attacked us at Pearl Harbor.

[7:41] We fought back, but they've been fighting back hard too.

[7:44] And the other guys in the room should be like, yeah, we know, dude, like we've been living

[7:47] through the same time you have.

Dan McCoy

[7:49] The guy's like, fedoras are very big right now.

[7:52] We wear them everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] Everybody's swing dancing, as we'll see in a scene later in the movie.

[7:57] Meanwhile, racism continues.

Stuart Wellington

[7:59] Somebody needs to cut together an alternate opening to the Star Wars movie where it just

[8:04] has a bunch of guys sitting around basically reading the opening crawl to each other.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] That's kind of what this was.

[8:09] The only thing that would have made this more official if he was like, look, fellas,

[8:14] Truman's been in office for three months.

[8:15] The war's coming to an end.

[8:16] The Beatles were just born.

[8:18] And in 20 years, they're going to change the way we look at pop music.

[8:21] But for now, we've got to get this A-bomb over to Japan.

[8:25] But it didn't go quite that far.

[8:26] But anyway, they decide they got to deliver this A-bomb.

[8:29] Also, this is a movie where the Manhattan Project and the atomic bomb, a project so secret

[8:35] that Harry Truman was not told about it until the president died and he became president.

[8:40] Everyone seems to know about it.

[8:42] So there's a part where Nicolas Cage is being told you're going to carry a secret device.

[8:46] And he goes, is this related to the Manhattan Project, sir?

[8:49] It's like, what was it?

[8:49] Was he reading in a magazine about it?

[8:51] Like, did he catch something on the news about how the Manhattan Project was coming along?

[8:55] But anyway, so they decide.

Dan McCoy

[8:57] It was in a copy of Highlights for Kids.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] They figured they'd hide it in there.

[9:01] Yeah.

[9:01] Inside that picture where it's like a normal picture, but there's lots of little things hidden inside it.

Dan McCoy

[9:05] Goofus has become death destroyer of worlds.

[9:09] Gallant cleans his room.

Elliott Kalan

[9:11] Gallant decides not to unleash the power of the split atom upon the world.

[9:15] But Goofus just wants the war to end quickly.

[9:19] So anyway, they're going to deliver the parts for the atomic bomb.

[9:22] Nicolas Cage is the commander of the USS Indianapolis, or as Stuart calls it, the USS Nap Town.

[9:26] Locals.

[9:28] We are very quickly introduced to a bunch of dumb sailor characters.

[9:31] There's the guy who has the girlfriend he wants to propose to, and she's rich, and he feels intimidated by that.

[9:36] There's the guy with the girlfriend.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] We have this, like, really great dancing scene.

[9:40] It's like the first time the movie wakes up for a second is they're like, hey, let's have these people dance.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] They're like, let's have them swing dance.

[9:45] And every extra in the scene should either be totally too energized or just sitting there staring into space doing nothing.

[9:52] Nowhere in between, please.

[9:55] But anyway, there's a lot of dancing.

[9:56] But he also has a friend, and it's hard to tell the two of them apart because they really look alike.

[10:00] They're just two kind of, like, beefy, handsome-y guys.

[10:04] There's the white guy and the black guy who don't like each other and get into fights and are thrown in the brig.

[10:09] There's the guy who can't swim, who talks about how he can't swim.

[10:14] There's the guy who's in debt, and there's—

[10:17] So, like, Weasley guy.

[10:18] The Weasley guy with glasses.

[10:19] Yeah, the gambler.

Dan McCoy

[10:20] Not Kenny Rogers.

[10:22] No, no, no.

[10:23] If only.

[10:23] No, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[10:24] That is not what I would describe a Weasley guy looking like.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] No, Kenny Rogers has always struck me as kind of like a really respectable werewolf.

[10:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:33] The guy was a werewolf, but he also, like, was, like—he's the richest guy in town, and he sponsors the local Little League team in the library.

[10:39] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[10:41] Mm-hmm.

[10:42] The head werewolf.

Stuart Wellington

[10:44] Yeah.

[10:44] The one that—that loop guru that you're like, oh, I'll call him by the French name.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] That's cool.

[10:50] Because he's really classy, yeah.

[10:52] Well, the guy where it's like, I don't—you know, you shouldn't—you should be afraid of him because it's a werewolf.

[10:58] You know he's going to do the right thing in the end.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] Yeah, you find out at the end of the movie, though, that he's the werewolf, that he's the one who's been controlling everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[11:03] Like, oh, he doesn't just have a big beard.

[11:04] He's the master werewolf.

[11:05] He's the—yeah, yeah.

[11:07] Is there a movie called Master Werewolf?

[11:09] Also, I think you're thinking of vampires.

[11:11] Yeah, well—

[11:11] I don't know if there's usually a master werewolf unless it's, like, the alpha of the pack.

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:16] And he's just followed by a lot of beta cuck wolves.

Stuart Wellington

[11:18] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[11:20] Always goes back to that.

[11:21] Man, how bad would it be to be a werecuck?

[11:23] Oh, no.

[11:23] Where at the full moon you turn into a cuck?

[11:25] That'd be terrible.

[11:26] Mm-hmm.

[11:27] And you're just like, oh, yeah, I'm—

[11:29] Fuck my life.

[11:31] I know I'm a globalist who can't stand up for Republican principles.

[11:34] I'm not a true conservative like you are.

[11:37] I'm a statist.

[11:38] But then the rest of the month you're like, I want to tear down the government.

[11:40] I want to destroy it from the inside.

[11:42] But again, during that full moon you're like, um—

Stuart Wellington

[11:44] You become the thing you hate.

Elliott Kalan

[11:45] Oh, man, maybe the government does have a role in our lives.

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] And you keep accidentally infecting your bros with globalist beliefs.

[11:51] Yeah, with the idea that people should help each other.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] Mm-hmm.

[11:54] Anyway, so there's a fight outside a movie theater, and in the scuffle,

[11:59] the guy who wants to propose to his rich girlfriend loses his ring,

[12:02] and it's taken by the Weasley guy.

Stuart Wellington

[12:03] So I do want to point out that somewhere in this process

[12:06] where the guy is talking about how he wants to propose to his girlfriend.

[12:10] He says to his friend, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take,

[12:14] which is a quote that is attributed to Wayne Gretzky,

[12:16] who is not alive at this point, I don't think.

Elliott Kalan

[12:19] He stole it from this sailor.

[12:20] Yeah.

[12:21] There's also a part where—and please, any ladies or men who have an interest in the history of feminine hygiene,

[12:28] there's a part where a guy hurts his hand on the ship, and he goes,

[12:31] oh, I hurt my hand.

[12:32] And they're like, how?

[12:33] Put back your tampon.

[12:35] And it's like, I thought they would use, like, sanitary belts at the time.

[12:38] I don't know if tampons the way we think about them were around in the 40s.

[12:43] Somebody write in and let me know.

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] Popular enough that just, like, regular guys are making jokes of it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] Yeah, yeah.

[12:48] That a guy in the 40s has any idea what's going on in a woman's vagina when he's not in it is astounding.

Dan McCoy

[12:54] Guys, I'm off work this week.

[12:56] Let's go down to the menstruation museum and figure this thing out.

[12:58] There's a menstruation museum?

[13:00] I don't know.

[13:00] There's got to be.

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] So I guess take a personal day for that, Ellie?

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] It's right next to the Museum of Sex is the Museum of No Sex tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[13:10] Anyway.

[13:10] Yeah, yeah, that's what, the anime museum?

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] That's the no sex ever.

[13:16] Just kidding.

[13:17] We love anime.

[13:18] JK, JK, JK.

[13:20] They have sex with tentacles all the time.

[13:21] Anyway, so, and there's also this rich lieutenant who's a real asshole and nobody likes him,

[13:26] who's working under Nicolas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[13:27] Wait, he's rich and an asshole?

[13:29] Yes.

[13:29] Okay.

[13:31] I know science fiction, right?

[13:32] Movie can sell it to me, but it takes some interesting acting choices.

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] Now, and there's also a guy who's writing a book.

[13:39] And we know this because he always has his moleskin out and he's always scribbling it.

Stuart Wellington

[13:41] Yeah, he's like fucking underwater scribbling it.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] Yeah, he's got this magic moleskin with apparently water-retardant paper.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] Now, what kind of British children's cartoon would that be?

[13:52] The magic moleskin?

[13:53] Would it be about kids who write in a magic book where things come to life if they write about them?

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] I think Dan's just particularly mad because every time he's working on his moleskin in the shower,

[14:03] it just falls to pieces.

Dan McCoy

[14:05] Dan, I told you not to do any of your bath time writing sessions.

[14:08] I'm trying to draw my penis.

[14:09] He's like, Monday.

[14:11] Monday engorgement diary.

[14:17] I can only draw myself when I'm glistening wet.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] You saw that paint that self-portrait Bush did of himself in the shower,

[14:24] and you're like, I want to do that.

[14:25] That's the more kind of work.

Dan McCoy

[14:26] I thought he was in the bath.

[14:27] He was in the bath.

Elliott Kalan

[14:28] He did a bath one and one where he's looking like in the mirror in the bathroom, I guess.

[14:31] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[14:34] Look, you and George W. Bush have a lot in common.

[14:37] You were both terrible presidents.

[14:38] You love doing art in the bathroom.

Stuart Wellington

[14:41] You're the kind of guy I just want to have a beer with, you know?

[14:43] You're doing it right now, dude.

[14:44] You're the kind of guy I don't want to have a beer with?

[14:47] You're like George W. Bush.

[14:48] You're like the kind of guy I'd want to have a beer with.

Dan McCoy

[14:50] Yeah.

[14:51] I guess we've had beers together, so that checks out.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] Yeah, dude, like for a million years.

Elliott Kalan

[14:56] Yeah, since the dawn of the ape man.

[14:59] Anyway, there's a bunch of stories.

Dan McCoy

[15:00] The dawn of the planet of the apes.

[15:02] That's the name of a movie, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[15:04] Let's get through this piece of garbage movie.

[15:06] Okay.

[15:07] I just want to say one thing.

[15:08] Normally on this podcast, we would try to get through most of the plot.

[15:13] Here's the thing.

[15:13] There's a bunch of little plot threads of different characters.

[15:16] Let's not bother with them.

[15:17] This is a very old-fashioned movie in two ways.

[15:20] One, it's a very old-fashioned kind of like a bunch of different plot lines,

[15:25] and then they all have to deal with the same disaster.

[15:28] In this case, the disaster is a ship that sinks and sharks.

[15:31] It's also old-fashioned in that the special effects in it look like...

[15:34] Super terrible.

[15:35] 90s CD-ROM game level.

[15:38] These are sub-Sci-Fi channel level effects with some of the most CGI-ist ships and planes and torpedoes and sharks.

[15:46] It was like, every now and then you were like, wait a minute, was World War II about America vs. Reboot?

[15:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] Hold on a second.

[15:53] Were the Axis powers declaring war on the Money for Nothing video?

Stuart Wellington

[15:57] Yeah, yeah.

[15:57] When they shoot the missiles at their ship, they're like, somebody just get Judge Doom to pour dip all over that thing.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] So the point is, they're all on this ship.

[16:08] They're delivering the atomic bombs.

[16:10] Meanwhile, or atomic bomb parts.

[16:12] Yeah, uranium.

[16:13] You can get them at Bomb Depot.

[16:15] Meanwhile, uranium?

[16:17] I thought it was my uranium.

[16:18] Oh, no.

[16:19] Classic uranium joke.

[16:21] You've got to believe Oppenheimer and Fermi were telling that one all the time.

Dan McCoy

[16:25] Uranus?

[16:25] I thought it was my anus.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] You'd know if it was your anus.

[16:30] I mean, you must have stuck a lot of ice up that thing that's so numb you can't tell if it's yours anymore or not.

[16:36] Who told you?

[16:38] Sorry.

[16:39] Anyway, so.

[16:41] Meanwhile, they say, we'll have our escort of destroyer ships, right?

[16:46] And they go, no, this is a secret mission.

[16:47] We don't want to draw attention.

[16:48] You're going unescorted all the way to the Philippines to deliver this bomb.

[16:54] And they go, what?

[16:55] It's just us against the world?

[16:56] It seems crazy, but.

[16:57] James Remar tells Nicolas Cage this.

[16:59] While somebody in a conference room on the ship, while someone is using a blowtorch to attach a metal box of some kind,

[17:06] some kind to the wall, I don't know what they're doing.

[17:10] Like, I literally have no idea.

Dan McCoy

[17:11] I think that might be the radioactive material.

[17:13] I think they've got, like, a lead box that they're carrying the material in.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] But they also have these huge crates that they're.

[17:18] Yeah.

[17:18] And then why would they store it in the conference room?

Dan McCoy

[17:20] I think they're too.

[17:21] Well, that I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[17:23] And then why isn't Nicolas Cage, who the cop in the ship, like, hey, tell me again why they're attaching that metal box to the wall right over there?

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] No, you don't need to know that.

[17:30] It's so Superman can't see through it.

[17:33] At one point, he's like, this ship's now under the direct control of the president.

[17:37] And I'm like, maybe it's like a phone that the president can use?

[17:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] Yeah, I don't think so, though.

[17:42] They never use it.

Stuart Wellington

[17:43] He calls up and he's just like, hey, what's going on?

[17:45] I think they might.

[17:46] I just want to talk.

[17:47] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[17:47] It's lonely at the top.

[17:49] It's me, President Owen Wilson.

[17:51] Wow.

[17:51] It's 1945.

Stuart Wellington

[17:53] Wow.

[17:54] That's a good president.

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] Wow.

[17:56] Joe DiMaggio.

[17:57] You're still playing baseball now.

Stuart Wellington

[18:02] I was thinking about the 1945 things.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] Yeah, yeah.

[18:05] Wow.

[18:06] I'm so happy that The Lost Weekend came out a few years ago.

[18:11] Wow.

[18:12] Or maybe it's this year.

[18:13] I don't remember.

[18:13] Casablanca, probably.

[18:15] That was a couple years earlier, but wow.

[18:17] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[18:18] Stuart's parents are going to be born in a few years.

Elliott Kalan

[18:22] Can't wait for Stuart's folks to be born.

[18:24] Wow.

[18:26] Hey, wow.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] All right, Mr. President.

[18:31] I got to go.

[18:33] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] Hey, I can't wait for Spider-Man to come out 18 years from now.

[18:37] Amazing Spider-Man number one.

[18:39] I know his first appearance will be 17 years from now.

[18:41] An amazing fantasy number 15.

[18:44] Wow.

[18:45] Remind me to get one of those, but don't let my mom throw it out.

[18:48] Mr. President, why does your mom keep your comic book collection?

Dan McCoy

[18:51] Wow, I live at home.

[18:53] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] I don't know why President Owen Wilson lives at home.

Dan McCoy

[18:58] Yeah.

[18:59] It seems like between...

[19:00] He's got too many long boxes at times.

[19:02] Between being a president and also being a movie star, he should have...

[19:05] And a grown-up.

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] And let's just say it, a grown-ass man.

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:09] Yeah, we can say that.

[19:10] Okay.

[19:11] So, their ship was hit in the beginning.

[19:13] They bring on a new complement of sailors.

[19:15] Nicholas Cage tells them, hey, I'm your captain.

[19:18] Without me, you're nothing.

[19:19] But without you, I'm nothing.

[19:21] So let's work together.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] I'm the captain now.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] Yeah, yeah.

[19:24] But he says it with a machete in his hand or something.

[19:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] They...

[19:28] Meanwhile, there's a Japanese sub that is patrolling the waters that they're going to go through.

[19:34] Yep.

[19:35] And it's run by a Commander Hashimoto, I think his name was.

[19:39] And...

Dan McCoy

[19:39] If not, you're just being racist.

[19:41] But...

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] I mean, it might have been a different Japanese name.

[19:44] That's a perfectly good guess.

[19:46] I think that's what it was.

Stuart Wellington

[19:47] He's a character introduced to us when looking in the mirror and he has a conversation with

[19:51] his ghost ancestor.

Elliott Kalan

[19:53] Yeah.

[19:53] Who tells him...

[19:54] Well, we should explain it.

[19:55] Well, one, Dan.

[19:56] I would be racist if I was like...

[19:57] Oh, yeah.

[19:57] I guess his name is Nissan Godzilla.

[19:59] Like, that would be racist.

Stuart Wellington

[20:01] If he basically said any of the lines that Piston Honda would say in the Punch-Out video game.

Elliott Kalan

[20:07] Yep.

[20:08] I think that counts.

[20:09] Yeah.

[20:09] It's racist.

[20:10] Anyway.

[20:10] So, Nicolas Cage explains that the Japanese have a new type of torpedo called a kaitan.

[20:16] A kaitan, which is...

[20:19] Which was a real thing, which is a manually guided torpedo.

[20:22] It's like a kamikaze flight, but underwater.

[20:24] It's a torpedo with a dude in it.

[20:26] And he steers it towards the ship, so it's harder to avoid it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:28] But, like, apparently they would drive it for a while.

[20:31] And then when they get close to their target, they would, like, surface and be like, oh,

[20:35] there's the boat.

[20:36] And then they go back underwater and hit the...

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] Yeah, I don't think they could see anything very well.

[20:40] Yeah.

[20:40] From where they were.

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] But, uh...

[20:42] It's not like they have, like, a little targeting computer, like in Star Wars or something.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Well, they turn off that thing and they just use the Force.

[20:47] No kidding.

[20:48] Yeah, their ancestor tells them, use the Force, Japanese naval guy.

[20:52] Sure.

[20:53] And he's...

[20:54] And the Japanese naval guy's like, why are you calling me Japanese naval guy?

[20:57] I should just be naval.

[20:58] You're Japanese, too.

[20:59] To you, I'm just a naval guy.

[21:03] You should know my name.

[21:04] You're my ancestor.

Dan McCoy

[21:05] And the ancestor's like, if I just call you naval guy, it makes it sound like you're a guy

[21:10] obsessed with belly buttons.

[21:11] So I thought I needed to specify a little bit.

[21:13] And that's weird.

Elliott Kalan

[21:14] I could still be a Japanese guy obsessed with belly buttons.

[21:17] You're right.

[21:18] Oh, this is...

[21:19] Use your targeting computer.

[21:20] You know what?

[21:20] You're not going to be kidding me.

[21:21] I'm about to die.

[21:22] It's like, I shouldn't have been drinking before I came to advise you.

[21:24] Just use your targeting computer.

[21:28] With this...

[21:29] Now, I just want to think of things where it's Star Wars, but it's also the Japanese Navy.

[21:33] It's like, put this blast shield down.

[21:35] I can't see the ships.

[21:38] Anyway, Nicolas Cage explains these things.

[21:41] It's a lot harder to avoid them using the standard zigzag pattern.

[21:44] Hashimoto, every time he sends a man out in one of those torpedoes, he feels guilty about

[21:48] it.

[21:49] And his hit rate is very low.

[21:50] And so while they're going across the ocean, both of these guys, we see them notice that

[21:56] Japanese see a ship ahead of them.

[21:57] And he decides he will fire one of the Kitan torpedoes.

[22:00] Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage is like, battle stations, everyone.

[22:03] Move, move, move.

[22:03] Load those guns.

[22:04] Ah, move, move, move.

[22:05] And they fire the torpedo.

[22:08] A guy has to get in it.

[22:09] He's dead no matter what happens.

[22:10] Whether they hit the ship or not, he's dying.

[22:12] And it turns out, oh, it was a merchant ship.

[22:16] And they missed it.

[22:17] And then Nicolas Cage is like, great work with the drill, everybody.

[22:20] We're doing great.

[22:21] Get back to your stations.

[22:23] And so it's like, wait a minute, movie.

[22:24] You cut together a ship and a submarine in two totally different places.

[22:29] And then you made us think that they were in a battle together.

[22:32] That was Dirty Pool movie.

[22:33] That was Dirty Pool.

Dan McCoy

[22:34] We just watched, for our live Alamo show, we just watched Stolen, which pulls the same

[22:39] trick.

[22:40] Like, it's another Nicolas Cage movie where the cops are running into a building that you

[22:45] think that Nicolas Cage is in.

[22:47] And it turns out it's a separate building.

[22:49] And it's like, you know, like, it's the technique that was most famously, I think, used in Silence

[22:53] of the Lambs, where they think that they're.

[22:55] Movie where two ships were in a fight.

[22:57] Well, they think that they're going into Buffalo Bill's house, and it's not.

[23:00] Turns out to be Bill O'Buff's.

[23:04] Bill O'Buff's.

[23:05] Bill O'Reilly's nude cousin.

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] Oh, gross.

[23:11] But he doesn't look like him, does he?

Dan McCoy

[23:12] Just like him.

Elliott Kalan

[23:14] Oh, so many folds.

[23:16] But in Stolen, we are being fooled the same way the police are being fooled.

[23:21] Like, Nicolas Cage is deliberately doing that.

[23:23] Here, the movie's just jerking us around.

[23:26] Yeah.

[23:26] Because, hey, you know what else happens on this dangerous mission to the Philippines to

[23:30] deliver the atom bomb parts?

[23:32] Nothing.

[23:32] They get there very fast, in record time, they say, and deliver it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:36] Now-

[23:36] Which was great for us, because we're like, oh man, this movie's going to go super fast,

[23:40] I hope now.

[23:41] Yep.

[23:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:41] We were wrong.

[23:42] Because now they have to turn around and go back, also without an escort.

[23:45] Because an escort might tip people off to the fact that, hey, this ship went to the Philippines.

[23:50] Why'd it do that?

[23:51] And people might look into it and find out there's A-bombs a-poppin'.

[23:53] So, they're going off, long story short, they do get hit by a Japanese torpedo this time.

[24:00] Their ship sinks, and it takes forever for it to sink.

[24:03] And they basically rip off the whole sinking from Titanic.

[24:06] The boat tilts, it cracks in half, people fall off of it and bump into things on the way down.

Stuart Wellington

[24:11] I mean, luckily the special effects are worse, so that was pretty hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[24:14] And I imagine James Cameron is watching this movie because he loves things about the sea,

[24:18] and he's like, wait a minute, this is just like Titanic.

[24:20] Let me call my lawyer, and he dials every, he dies because he's so mad.

[24:24] And the world mourns the director of Avatar.

[24:28] And True Lies, and Piranha 2.

[24:30] And he's dialing the numbers, and as it's about to hit the last digit,

[24:33] he notices how bad the special effects are, and he goes, hmm, never mind.

[24:37] And he just hangs up the phone.

Stuart Wellington

[24:38] And he's like, I'm going to sue him for every penny of profit they make.

Dan McCoy

[24:43] And they, ugh.

[24:45] So, you're going to have to pay us negative $39 million.

[24:48] What?

[24:49] And James Cameron tools off in his submarine.

[24:51] In his bathysphere.

[24:53] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Man, that guy loves space.

[24:55] He loves underwater.

[24:57] What doesn't he love?

[24:58] The Earth.

Stuart Wellington

[24:59] He's one of the world's last pioneers.

[25:01] He is one of the world's last pioneers, yeah.

[25:02] Yeah, terra firma, not for him.

[25:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:04] Yeah, terra no firma, thank you.

[25:07] So, this movie, so then everybody's falling off of it,

[25:11] and there's a lot of, like, explosions and stuff.

[25:13] Nicholas Cage tries to go down with his ship,

[25:15] but he gets blasted off by an explosion into the water,

[25:18] and a shark zooms past him.

[25:20] And watching these explosions, the thought I had,

[25:22] and I ran it by you guys, was that it felt like I was watching, like,

[25:25] the Six Flags World War II stunt show.

[25:27] Yeah.

[25:28] Like, very, very, I mean, the movie was not super low budget.

[25:32] I've gone to Wikipedia, it cost $40 million.

[25:34] But it looks...

Stuart Wellington

[25:35] Oh, what I wouldn't do with $40 million.

[25:37] I could buy, like, 40 million foot longs.

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] What wouldn't you do?

[25:40] I mean, I would pay for...

[25:41] Those are $5.

[25:42] I could buy 8 million foot longs from Super Subway.

Stuart Wellington

[25:44] I'd pay for Tom Sizemore to talk to me about sharks all day long.

[25:47] That's what he does.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] He has his monologue about sharks, right?

[25:51] That's a decent little scene.

[25:52] Which is the best part in the movie,

[25:54] is Tom Sizemore's just scaring a bunch of guys

[25:56] by talking about how mean sharks are if they fall in the water.

[26:00] That was the one monologue in it where I was like,

[26:02] okay, that's a good moment.

[26:03] Is it as good as Quint's monologue in Jaws,

[26:06] which tells the story of this movie?

Dan McCoy

[26:07] No.

[26:08] Which is an iconic monologue in all of cinema history?

[26:11] No, it's not as good as that.

Elliott Kalan

[26:13] It's not just an iconic moment in some of cinema history?

[26:16] It's interesting, you just had to mention it was all of cinema history.

Dan McCoy

[26:20] That seems like a really small thing to catch me on,

[26:23] but I guess you're correct.

[26:24] Catch you if I can, and I could.

[26:25] He's got you.

[26:26] Hey, look, Al Capone got caught on tax evasion, dude,

Stuart Wellington

[26:28] so deal with it, you're going to movie jail.

[26:30] Were these submarine scenes as good as the scenes

[26:33] from Das Boot?

Dan McCoy

[26:34] I would not say that.

[26:35] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[26:36] I would say the submarine scenes were at least as good

[26:38] as any of the cut scenes in the GoldenEye video game.

[26:41] Okay.

[26:41] But you didn't get to run around a submarine

[26:43] or a warehouse throwing mines down

[26:46] and waiting for your friends to bump into and explode.

Stuart Wellington

[26:48] That are playing, what, slappers only?

[26:51] Yeah.

[26:52] No odd job.

[26:53] No odd job.

[26:54] No.

Dan McCoy

[26:55] You don't want to be odd job if it's just slappers.

[26:57] You can't reach anybody.

[26:58] Yeah, that's trash, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[26:59] Or it's just you're playing Golden Gun.

[27:00] No.

[27:01] You just hole up and shoot people as they walk by.

[27:03] That's great.

[27:04] What a game.

[27:04] What a great game.

[27:05] Dan, why don't we watch that?

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] Why don't we watch footage of us playing GoldenEye in college?

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] Not the movie, which is fine, but the video game.

Dan McCoy

[27:13] I don't have GoldenEye.

[27:15] That's probably first among many reasons why we didn't watch GoldenEye.

[27:20] That's actually a pretty good argument.

[27:21] That's a fair reason.

[27:21] That's a very good reason.

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] Okay, so.

[27:23] Or it's because you're a Leon's Cossack traitor.

[27:26] Okay.

[27:26] Isn't that what Sean Bean is in that movie?

Dan McCoy

[27:29] Sure.

[27:30] You guys fucking saw GoldenEye.

Stuart Wellington

[27:31] Don't look at me like I'm a maniac.

[27:32] I haven't seen GoldenEye in so long.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] I saw GoldenEye when it was released.

[27:36] I think that was the only time I saw GoldenEye.

Stuart Wellington

[27:37] What is up with this GoldenEye liking denial over here?

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] You love that shit.

[27:42] I'm not saying I didn't like it.

[27:44] Certainly up to that point, it was the best James Bond movie I'd ever seen in the theater,

[27:48] but I think I'd only seen License to Kill in the theater before that.

Stuart Wellington

[27:52] I don't buy it.

[27:52] I think you guys are gaslighting me into thinking that GoldenEye isn't awesome.

[27:59] It's fine.

[28:00] Dan, why are you looking at me weird?

[28:02] Is that a tacit agreement?

[28:04] Sure.

[28:05] GoldenEye is great.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] Pre-Casino Royale, GoldenEye was a lot higher in my esteem.

[28:11] I don't remember it super well in all the details because...

[28:14] Or Robbie Coltrane's in it, right?

Stuart Wellington

[28:16] Who does Robbie Coltrane play in it?

Elliott Kalan

[28:17] He plays the Russian guy.

[28:19] Yeah.

[28:19] I do remember that.

[28:21] I barely remember.

[28:21] I got to watch the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] He's the Russian guy in the level of the video game that's really hard to do because a bunch

[28:25] of dudes try and kill you.

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] Oh, I remember that one.

[28:27] Okay.

[28:28] It's weird that my memories of the game are so much stronger than my memories of the movie.

[28:31] I remember Xenia on a top.

Stuart Wellington

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:33] It's kind of eerie how well the N64 graphics captured the rugged features of Robbie Coltrane.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] I mean, they really got across how Pierce Brosnan's face is made out of three flat planes with

[28:45] a nose drawn on them.

[28:47] Right.

[28:49] I changed my mind.

[28:49] GoldenEye sucks.

[28:50] The game, not the movie.

[28:52] The game's great.

[28:53] Okay, so the sinking scene takes forever, which leads us to the endless scenes of characters

[29:00] bobbing around in the ocean as sharks eat them.

[29:03] Now, this could be exciting.

[29:04] These people are sitting ducks for sharks, or sitting cucks, rather, for alpha sharks.

[29:10] And, I mean, if Owen Wilson's watching this, he's like, wow, how are they going to get out

[29:13] of this one?

[29:14] Wow.

[29:15] Yeah.

[29:15] But the movie is so slow, and it takes it so much for granted that we would rather see

[29:20] these characters mumble to each other, at times nearly incomprehensibly, than watch them

[29:25] be eaten by sharks or escape from sharks.

Dan McCoy

[29:27] Here's some actual sample dialogue from this movie.

[29:32] But I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] My world just.

[29:37] It's like Boomhauer did all the ADR for the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] How, I wonder how much, let's do some real talk here, guys.

[29:45] Okay, fine.

[29:46] Let's, you know what, let's get real.

[29:47] Let's have a little rap session.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] Okay, let's have a real, like, night calls.

[29:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:51] How much of this do you think was.

[29:52] Let's love line it.

[29:54] So, like, this is a story that is.

[29:55] Let's car talk this.

[29:56] This is a, this is based on a true story, and the survivors of this incident, there are

[30:03] some that are still alive.

[30:05] Yeah, yeah.

[30:05] Like, and in no way are we throwing any shade toward the fucking dudes who lost their lives

[30:11] in this thing.

[30:12] That's insane.

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] This is a horrifying real thing that happened.

[30:15] Anyone who survived it, I'm amazed, and my heart goes out to the people who didn't survive

[30:19] it and their families.

[30:20] They certainly deserve a better movie.

[30:22] A much better movie.

[30:24] That being said, let's skip ahead.

[30:25] They have some brief interview clips at the very end of the movie of real survivors, and

[30:29] one of the guys has the funniest thing he says where he's like, it's not the funniest.

[30:34] Maybe it's just funny after watching the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[30:35] Well, there's almost no interviews at the end.

[30:38] It's like, it's totally tacked on right at the end to be like, hey, these guys were there

[30:42] for real.

[30:43] It's like 45 seconds worth of interviews.

Elliott Kalan

[30:44] It's almost like for a moment, they accidentally cut in a feed of the DVD extras, and then they're

[30:49] like, oh shit, the button's all greasy.

[30:51] I can't turn it off.

[30:52] Okay, great.

[30:53] I turned it off.

[30:54] But this guy says like, I was there, and I saw, after seeing so many men get eaten by

[30:59] sharks, I could never like sharks.

[31:01] I just think they're terrible.

[31:03] And I love it because one, it's like real hot take, dude, because everyone else thinks

[31:09] sharks are amazing, and we want to kiss them, I guess.

[31:12] But also, there was something about the way he said it where it was like, he's like, just

[31:16] that vindictiveness against sharks as if they were, like, as if they were a person.

Stuart Wellington

[31:21] I can only imagine that years ago, his grandson came to him holding a trapper keeper with the

[31:28] street sharks emblazoned upon it.

[31:30] And he was-

[31:31] Jabberjaw.

Dan McCoy

[31:32] He saw an episode of Jabberjaw on television.

[31:35] He's like, no.

[31:35] Sharks don't play fucking drums.

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] Yeah, you better get out of that band.

[31:39] That shark's going to eat you and your friends.

[31:41] Whereas one day, his daughter brought home her new boyfriend.

Stuart Wellington

[31:44] You don't deserve respect, Jabberjaw.

Elliott Kalan

[31:47] One day, his daughter-

[31:49] Would you eat curly?

[31:49] Is that what you sound like him?

[31:51] Her dad-

[31:52] His daughter brought home her new boyfriend, and he was a shark.

[31:56] Yep.

[31:56] And he just got real mad, like, I'm not no fin heads marrying into my family.

[32:00] You get that gill breather out of here with his three rows of teeth.

[32:03] And she's like, Dad, the war's over.

[32:06] You can't say those things anymore.

[32:08] Sharks and humans are at peace now.

[32:09] No, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[32:10] Were the Jets the Puerto Rican gang or the Sharks?

[32:13] The Sharks were the Puerto Rican gang.

Elliott Kalan

[32:15] Okay.

[32:15] The Jets were the white gang.

Stuart Wellington

[32:17] Okay.

[32:18] So this old man could also have been racist.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] I mean, it's possible, because when you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, from your

[32:25] first cigarette to your last dying day.

Stuart Wellington

[32:26] And he did say he, if you poke a shark in the eyes, it doesn't like it.

[32:31] He also makes the point-

Dan McCoy

[32:32] That's a notably human trait.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] He says if you punch a shark in the eye, it hurts it and it swims away.

[32:38] And he says it as if this is like a secret weak point, that no other animal gets hurt

[32:42] by being punched in the eye.

[32:43] I hate to be coming down so hard on this old man, who again, survived a truly frightening

[32:48] and harrowing situation.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] In truth, he brought us a moment of joy, what is otherwise a slog of a movie.

[32:55] A dreary slog.

[32:56] I feel like that life hack.

[32:59] Like, it really deserves its place in a-

[33:01] Yeah.

[33:01] When you're scrolling down Facebook and something pops up that's like a life hack, it should

[33:05] be poke a shark in the eye, it'll thrash around.

Dan McCoy

[33:09] Well, I'll tell you something.

[33:10] If I encounter a shark tomorrow while I'm walking down the street, I'm certainly going to punch

[33:14] it in the eye.

[33:15] What if it's a friendly shark?

Elliott Kalan

[33:17] What if it's a shark that's asking you directions?

Stuart Wellington

[33:19] Elliot, you-

[33:19] Dude, asking for directions is the first way a shark's going to attack you.

[33:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] Your point for some time.

[33:24] I'm just saying you shouldn't profile.

Stuart Wellington

[33:25] I got out of the movies last night and this motherfucker asked me where the Barclays Center

[33:28] is.

[33:29] Like, dude, that is the oldest shit in the book.

[33:31] You know where the Barclays Center is, Guy.

[33:32] Well, it can't be the oldest shit in the book.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] The Barclays Center has lived around for like five years.

[33:36] Hell yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:36] Yeah, but it used to be Madison Square Garden.

[33:38] And I'm like-

[33:39] No, it didn't.

[33:40] I'm sick.

[33:40] The Barclays Center didn't use to be Madison Square Garden.

[33:42] No, I mean the line used to be.

[33:43] Oh, I see.

Dan McCoy

[33:44] I'm sick of your SJW stuff.

[33:46] Your shark justice warrior nonsense.

Elliott Kalan

[33:48] Hey, Dan, look, just because you don't recognize the sharks for what they are and the contributions

[33:55] they bring, you know what?

[33:58] I don't even like going down this route because it makes me feel like I'm making fun of people

[34:02] who do need, who actually need representation.

Dan McCoy

[34:06] I think that I just barely skirted being problematic by making that original joke.

[34:11] No, I think you dove straight into that hole.

[34:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:14] No, you can be charitable to yourself.

[34:16] No, no, keep digging, Dan.

[34:17] Anyway, so I apologize.

[34:18] I apologize to everybody still.

[34:19] And I apologize to that old man.

[34:21] That old man's great.

[34:22] That old man who, again, World War II veteran, helped us deliver the atomic bomb parts.

[34:25] Fucking star of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] By all accounts, he was the most entertaining part of the movie.

[34:30] And this is a movie with Nicolas Cage in it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] Yeah.

[34:33] Nicolas Cage spends most of the movie sopping wet, just sitting on the edge of a raft, kind

[34:38] of mumbly and unhappy.

[34:39] And everybody's just kind of bobbing in the water.

[34:42] Tom Jane appears as kind of a cocky rescue pilot.

[34:45] He barely has any scenes in the movie.

[34:46] It's terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[34:47] There is a moment where he waves at Nicolas Cage and, oh, the stories those guys could

[34:52] tell each other.

Elliott Kalan

[34:53] There's a brief moment of recognition between the two of them.

[34:55] Like, yep, we're in this one.

[34:59] You getting a check?

[35:00] Yeah, I'm getting a check.

[35:01] Well, I'll write my fellow brother in arms.

[35:04] There's a little moment of samurai honor between the two of them.

Stuart Wellington

[35:06] I wonder if when they're getting coffee, you know, in between takes, if they're like, yeah, are

[35:12] you doing that killer monkey movie next week?

[35:16] He's like, no, I pass on that.

[35:18] Like, oh, yeah, I got to do this killer monkey movie.

[35:20] Oh, damn.

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] Oh, no, Cusack's doing that.

Stuart Wellington

[35:22] Oh, okay, fine.

[35:23] All right.

[35:23] I'll do it Cusack.

[35:23] He's always snaking us on that one.

[35:25] No, I'm doing the snake one.

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] Which one of us are we?

[35:30] You and you're going to do that movie where we kidnap the president's daughter, right?

[35:34] But we're good guys?

[35:35] Yeah, yeah.

[35:35] We're both going to do that movie.

[35:36] Okay, great.

[35:37] Is it a comedy or is it a drama?

[35:39] And Tom Jane's like, I think we're going to figure that out on the set.

[35:42] It kind of depends how we play it.

[35:44] Nicolas Cage's like, good point, Tom.

[35:45] Good point.

[35:46] Anyway, I think there's just like a club that's Nicolas Cage and Tom Jane and John Cusack and

[35:51] like, who else would be in that?

Dan McCoy

[35:55] I'm trying to think of like, who else would be like an A-list person who has gotten to

[35:59] that point.

[36:00] Like an A-lister who does a lot of junk.

Elliott Kalan

[36:01] Yeah.

[36:02] I mean, we.

[36:02] Like, like, George Dench, I guess?

Stuart Wellington

[36:04] I feel like Josh Lucas is in a lot of bad movies, too.

[36:08] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:08] They all have this.

[36:09] They have this group that they.

[36:10] I want to think they call the B-list squad, the A-list B-listers.

[36:13] And they're like all A-list actors who find themselves in a lot of B-list movies for various

[36:18] reasons.

[36:18] And Nicolas Cage is, of course, the president of the club.

[36:21] Maybe Thomas Jane is the vice president.

Stuart Wellington

[36:24] Yeah, for a while I thought F. Murray Abraham would be in that club.

[36:26] But, you know, he found some lucrative TV work, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[36:29] He might be in that club.

[36:30] I mean, people pass in and out of the club is the thing.

[36:33] But anyway.

[36:34] So they're bobbing around in the water for a long time.

[36:38] Yep.

[36:39] The Japanese sub goes home.

Dan McCoy

[36:42] 50 minutes of this movie, at least, is just them bobbing around in the water.

[36:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] Just occasionally being eaten by sharks, usually mumbling to each other.

[36:50] Everyone in this movie, it's either mumbles or it's just hard to hear them over the sounds.

[36:55] There's a point where.

Stuart Wellington

[36:55] The water is a color of brown that is indicative of being close to shore.

[37:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:02] You're saying that level of silt and dirt right on the surface doesn't usually indicate the middle of the ocean.

[37:08] There's a part where the dialogue is so hard to hear.

[37:11] There's a part in the movie where Thomas James co-pilot yells something and it sounds like he's going, God damn it, sandwich.

[37:16] And I was like, God damn it, sandwich.

[37:19] And Dan goes, that's what I heard.

[37:22] It's just like, so much of the movie feels like a bad lip flap video.

[37:28] Or bad lip read, what's it called?

[37:30] Bad lip reading?

[37:31] Yeah, I think that's right.

[37:32] So anyway, eventually, they're rescued.

[37:35] And the war is over because, newsflash, we dropped two atomic bombs on Japan.

[37:40] And Japan did not want us to drop any more atomic bombs on it, which is a reasonable position.

[37:46] Nobody likes having atomic bombs dropped on them.

Dan McCoy

[37:48] They wrote a note to the U.S. saying, dear U.S., please, fewer atomic bombs.

[37:54] Love, Japan.

Elliott Kalan

[37:55] Love, Japan.

[37:56] P.S., we mean it.

[37:57] Please stop.

[37:58] By fewer, we mean no more, please.

Stuart Wellington

[38:00] So most of the named characters are saved.

[38:03] Tom Sizemore lost a leg that he was cradling for a while and then he died.

[38:08] Yeah.

[38:08] And so we think the movie's done.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] And the guy who was going to marry his girlfriend, he dies too, right?

Stuart Wellington

[38:13] Yeah, he got a little shark bit on the leg.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] But his friend gets the ring back from the guy who took it.

[38:19] From Gollum.

[38:19] And he marries the girlfriend.

Stuart Wellington

[38:21] In a scene where this guy delivers his sad story and his cry moment, like he's in a completely different movie.

[38:31] Yeah.

[38:31] Like he's expecting to be showered in gold.

Elliott Kalan

[38:34] This is, he thinks for a moment, am I Oscar Schindler wishing I could have saved, wondering why I didn't save more people?

[38:41] Yeah, that's the scene I'm doing.

[38:42] Okay.

[38:43] And it's like, and the other actor is looking.

Stuart Wellington

[38:46] Do you think the director Mario Van Peoples was like, play it bigger?

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] Probably.

[38:51] Play it bigger, buddy.

[38:52] I mean, I just assumed that he was trying to write himself into a Flintstones cartoon as Mario Van Pebbles.

[38:56] Yeah.

[38:57] All right.

[38:58] And holding on to that joke?

[39:00] The way that scene's the, I know I do.

[39:02] Yeah, what's going to happen there?

[39:03] Hey, look.

[39:04] There's only so many Mario Van Peoples jokes you make.

[39:05] No one remembers the movie Solo.

[39:07] So, that was the one where he was an action star, right?

Stuart Wellington

[39:09] No, I was going to say Solo and you fucking beat me to it.

[39:13] What other movies was he in, dude?

[39:15] Jaws 4, The Revenge.

[39:17] No, I know.

Dan McCoy

[39:18] That's where he got his taste for shark movies.

[39:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:22] What was, uh...

[39:23] Yeah, just like a shark has a taste for blood, Mario Van Peoples has a taste for shark movies.

Stuart Wellington

[39:28] He comes strutting on the stage.

[39:29] He's an old hand at shark movies.

[39:32] Mm-hmm.

[39:32] What was the movie where he was a, where he was a, like a cowboy?

[39:36] I mean, he was in Highlander 3.

Elliott Kalan

[39:38] Yeah, that's true.

[39:39] What was that, the new Dimension or something?

Stuart Wellington

[39:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:41] His name is Kane in that movie.

[39:43] Sure, of course it is.

[39:44] Yeah.

[39:45] No, I remember the Western you're talking about, but I don't remember the name.

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] I probably like shark boys, and they ride sharks instead of horses.

[39:51] That makes sense.

[39:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] Okay, so...

[39:54] So, anyway, they get rescued.

[39:57] Their lives seem to be back to normal.

[39:59] The guy gives a tearful return of the ring in a scene where it feels like Mario Van Peoples

[40:03] was telling the guy, bigger, bigger, and then telling the guy who was listening to the story,

[40:07] smaller, smaller.

[40:08] Because the guy lying in bed listening to the story, it's almost, like, you can see on his

[40:12] face just, how much longer is this?

[40:14] Like, when am I going to be done with this scene?

Dan McCoy

[40:16] Let's just get this over with.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] The two guys, the black guy and the white guy who hated each other and were in the brig

[40:20] because they were in a fight, now they're besties because they shared a raft together,

[40:24] and they're best of friends.

[40:25] It's a real Defiant Ones subplot.

[40:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:28] Then...

[40:28] It's very much like the Donald Logue subplot in the movie The Patriot.

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:33] Except I guess it isn't as racist as that was it.

[40:36] That was like the classic reformed racist character in a historical movie.

[40:40] Yeah.

[40:40] You know what I'm talking about, right?

[40:41] Yes, yes.

[40:42] The movie The Patriot.

[40:43] Yeah, the movie The Patriot.

Elliott Kalan

[40:44] With Mel Gibson.

[40:44] Yeah, a movie that my dad really liked because the costume seemed authentic.

Stuart Wellington

[40:49] Yeah, my dad really liked it because he thought the cannonballs moved in a realistic way.

[40:55] They moved in a realistic way?

[40:56] Like they didn't sashay or what is the...

[40:58] What, the cannonballs?

[40:59] Yeah.

[41:00] No, that like they actually like lined up and then they bounced.

[41:04] Like the cannonballs bounced as opposed to like reacted like they were mortar shells.

[41:09] Because cannonballs didn't like...

[41:10] They don't land and explode.

[41:12] They bounce and like fuck everything up.

[41:14] Yeah, they hit you.

[41:15] Yeah.

[41:16] Okay.

[41:16] It's like a giant metal ball.

Dan McCoy

[41:18] They're like gummy bears.

[41:19] I mean they have...

[41:19] They bounce around.

Elliott Kalan

[41:21] Yeah, yeah, here and there and everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[41:22] Yeah, I think gummy bears were inspired by real life cannonballs and the wreckage they created.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] It was somebody who was fighting in the Revolutionary War, maybe the Civil War, saw a cannonball bouncing

[41:34] and as it flew towards him, right before unconsciousness he said, what if that was a bear who gains

[41:41] magic bouncing powers from berries that it ate or perhaps a juice that it got from the berries

[41:46] and it lives in a kind of vaguely middle European like medieval world with humans?

[41:52] And then this cannonball hit him and that idea was lost for a hundred years.

[41:57] Sure.

[41:57] Until the Disney afternoon came along.

Stuart Wellington

[41:59] Yeah, until the Disney afternoon found a mosquito where that guy's DNA stuffed up it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] They injected it into their programming manager and he said, I got a great idea.

Stuart Wellington

[42:09] Wow, we really worked backwards for this one.

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:13] Oh man, we're pretty smart.

[42:14] Now where did Tailspin come from then?

[42:16] Dan, where did Tailspin come from?

Dan McCoy

[42:18] Someone saw The Jungle Book and Casablanca on the same night and they had a fucking fever of 106 degrees.

Elliott Kalan

[42:27] Au contraire, Dan.

[42:29] I would say they saw The Jungle Book and Only Angels Have Wings on the same night.

[42:33] That's probably more accurate.

[42:34] Since that's the movie I think it was based on.

[42:37] But where's that like Bobcat?

Stuart Wellington

[42:39] Whoa, Dan looks like such a piece of shit now.

[42:41] You asshole.

Elliott Kalan

[42:42] You must, you might as well be as good as a shark.

[42:44] I think you're terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[42:46] Take your glasses off so he can poke you in the eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] You might like it.

[42:49] You're not a shark.

[42:51] Anyway, so that guy, that old man, it's like, just imagine he turned off, they turned off

[42:57] the camera and he's like, I mean it.

[42:59] Sharks can go fuck themselves.

[43:01] You tell that shark he's a fucking asshole.

Stuart Wellington

[43:03] I like that the old man's probably listening.

[43:05] And you know who else?

Stuart Wellington

[43:05] Serial killers.

[43:06] I don't like them.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] I think they're terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] I like that the old man's probably listening to our podcast and every once in a while he's

[43:13] like, oh, I'm glad they're not razzing me anymore.

[43:15] Then we just bring it right back to him.

[43:17] Stick the pins in.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Dear Flophouse, I've loved your podcast, but I never thought you'd get around to making

[43:22] fun of me, a World War II veteran who survived a boat sinking and sharks.

[43:28] Love your podcast.

[43:29] Rawr, rawr.

[43:30] Signed, this old man.

[43:33] So anyway, you think the movie has to be over.

[43:36] It's over.

[43:37] Everything's done.

[43:38] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[43:39] Into a shadowy Washington chamber.

[43:41] As Shia LaBeouf would say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[43:44] Because even though the war's over, too many people died in

[43:47] the wreck of the USS Indianapolis for there not to be an investigation.

[43:50] They need a patsy.

[43:52] That patsy?

[43:53] None other than Captain Nicholas Cage.

[43:55] USS Naptown.

[43:57] USS Naptown.

[43:58] As it's called, the Naptown disaster.

[44:00] And the headlines were like, who was napping at the USS Naptown switch?

[44:04] But they decide they're going to accuse him of being derelict of duty when really the problem

[44:10] was that it wasn't given a proper escort to protect it from submarines.

[44:14] He gets court-martialed, even bringing in as a surprise witness the commander of the Japanese

[44:20] submarine to come in and say, oh, no, I used missiles that he wouldn't have been able to dodge.

[44:25] The case rests on the idea that he didn't zigzag his ship to avoid a torpedo because he thought

[44:31] they were chitans, which you can't avoid by zigzagging.

[44:34] This guy says, no, no, I used the real torpedoes, not the chitans.

[44:37] Zigzagging would not have saved him.

[44:39] But they need a patsy.

[44:41] He's found guilty and court-martialed.

Stuart Wellington

[44:43] I thought he said that zigzagging would have saved him.

Dan McCoy

[44:45] No, he says zigzagging wouldn't have saved him because he was too close.

[44:49] Yeah.

[44:49] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:49] His evidence should have exonerated.

Dan McCoy

[44:52] Nicolas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] But instead, they need this patsy.

[44:56] Oh, right.

[44:57] So, much like AbFab doesn't work without patsy.

[45:01] It's just Idina.

Dan McCoy

[45:01] I was really trying to think of a patsy in culture.

[45:06] That was the only one I could think of.

[45:08] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] We got steam shooting out of Dan's ears right now.

[45:11] But it's a serious thing.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Who's going to go see a show called Idina?

[45:15] It's got to be the two of them.

[45:16] AbFab.

[45:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:17] Bonky cold Idina.

Elliott Kalan

[45:22] That's how they got the idea of the show.

[45:23] They were listening to that song and they were like,

[45:25] what if that name didn't have an M at the beginning of it?

[45:29] It's an alternate history.

[45:30] It's an alternate history show.

[45:31] Harry Turtle Doves.

[45:33] Alternate AbFab.

[45:35] So, anyway.

[45:37] Nicolas Cage is found guilty against all odds.

[45:39] He has a one-on-one face-to-face with the Japanese commander.

[45:42] Which they both kind of forgive each other for the crimes they committed,

[45:45] even if they can't forgive themselves.

[45:47] And it rivals the scene in Godzilla Final Wars,

[45:50] when Godzilla forgives America for dropping the atomic bomb

[45:53] in its accurate portrayal of human emotions.

[45:56] Yep.

[45:57] And the true aftermath of war.

[45:59] Nicolas Cage is horrified.

[46:01] He goes home.

Stuart Wellington

[46:02] And, of course, as a brother.

[46:03] After kissing his much younger wife.

Elliott Kalan

[46:06] Oh, yeah.

[46:07] He also has a wife who appears to be his daughter.

[46:10] There's a part where he wakes up from a nightmare

[46:12] and his wife is in bed with him and is like, it's okay.

[46:14] And for a moment, I thought that his daughter had crawled into bed with him

[46:18] because there was a thunderstorm outside and she was scared.

Stuart Wellington

[46:20] Yeah, yeah.

[46:20] Well, she was trying to comfort her old man who was having, what, night terrors.

Elliott Kalan

[46:26] Yeah, I thought it was like the scene in Tiny Furniture

[46:29] when Lena Dunham crawls into her mom's bed and gives her mom a back rub,

[46:33] but with Nicolas Cage and his daughter.

[46:36] Yep.

[46:36] Because it's a much weirder scene.

[46:38] Yeah, it's a much weirder.

[46:40] I kind of envy that intimacy that mothers and daughters can have,

[46:43] that they can do that.

[46:43] Because if my dad was lying in bed and wasn't feeling well, like emotionally,

[46:47] and I just crawled into bed and gave him a back rub,

[46:49] I would find that weird.

[46:51] And it shouldn't be weird because I love him the same way that people love their brothers.

[46:53] It would be weird because of the spontaneous erections.

[46:56] I mean, that goes without saying that we'd get those.

[46:59] Because for men, we wouldn't talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[47:01] As opposed to planned erections.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] Look, let's pencil in this erection for an hour later

[47:07] because I have this call I have to make.

[47:09] You guys don't schedule your erections?

Dan McCoy

[47:12] I mean, I guess there are people out there who do.

[47:13] Dan's not married anymore and he doesn't have to.

[47:16] People who use Viagra, I guess, schedule their erections.

Elliott Kalan

[47:20] They block out four hours just in case.

[47:23] If it goes longer than that, they either see a doctor

[47:25] or go back around about their business.

[47:27] But yeah, I guess.

[47:29] So anyway, what I'm saying is,

[47:30] how come men and dads can't be that close and intimate?

[47:35] What's wrong with that?

[47:36] Because let me tell you,

[47:38] just knowing the way I feel about my son Sammy now.

[47:40] When I'm older, if he wants to give me a back rub,

[47:42] please do, Sammy.

[47:43] If you're listening to this,

[47:45] just come along and help my back feel better.

[47:47] I don't think...

[47:48] I really needed that.

[47:49] Thank you, Sammy.

Stuart Wellington

[47:49] I don't think the problem lies with the dad

[47:53] in that situation.

[47:55] It's probably all the bullshit

[47:57] that the son places upon the dad.

Elliott Kalan

[48:00] Maybe.

[48:01] I mean, if I crawled into my dad's bed with him

[48:02] and gave him a back rub,

[48:03] my dad would be weirded out.

[48:04] I think he would think it was weird.

Stuart Wellington

[48:06] Maybe you're just placing that on your dad.

[48:07] Yeah, give it a try.

[48:08] Okay, I'll try it next time.

Elliott Kalan

[48:10] That's what I'll do.

[48:10] See what happens and maybe, you know,

[48:12] one thing will lead to another.

[48:15] Your relationship will be mended.

[48:17] Yeah, mended.

[48:18] That's how that usually ends.

[48:20] I wonder,

[48:21] how does it end when a guy has sex with his dad?

[48:23] Well?

[48:24] Is that a positive addition to a relationship?

[48:26] We should ask Oedipus.

Dan McCoy

[48:28] That's what happened, right?

[48:30] I don't think that's entirely the nature of the story

[48:33] that I recall.

[48:37] Was there a shark in it?

[48:38] Was there a shark in it?

[48:39] There was a...

[48:40] Yeah, there was a street shark in it.

[48:41] There was a street...

[48:42] Which one?

[48:42] Blades?

[48:44] Big Slamu.

[48:46] Definitely Big Slamu.

Stuart Wellington

[48:48] Oh, yeah.

[48:49] Man, when I said Big Slamu,

[48:50] Dan's eyes brightened.

Elliott Kalan

[48:53] I think it was Big Slamu

[48:54] who warned Oedipus

[48:55] not to investigate the death of the king

[48:57] because he wouldn't like where it was led.

[49:01] But I think it was...

[49:02] He became king of Thebes

[49:03] because he solved the riddle of blades.

[49:06] The answer was blades.

[49:09] A lot of people don't know that...

[49:11] That...

[49:13] That it was Sophocles who wrote Oedipus, right?

[49:17] The Oedipus Rex.

[49:18] That he originally started as a staff writer

[49:20] on Street Sharks

Stuart Wellington

[49:21] before making it big on the Greek dramatic stage.

[49:24] Oh, I can't wait

[49:24] until Vin Diesel writes

[49:25] his hate mail

[49:27] that we fucked up

[49:28] our Street Sharks shit.

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] It was...

[49:30] I mean, there's a long collection

[49:32] between the great...

[49:32] He doesn't care.

[49:33] ...and animated cartoons

[49:35] ever since Escalus

[49:37] was killed by an eagle

[49:38] dropping a ninja turtle on his head.

Dan McCoy

[49:42] Oh, man.

[49:43] That joke pulls in

[49:45] so many different threads.

Elliott Kalan

[49:46] Yeah, and I haven't even got to start

[49:47] about Euripides' great masterwork,

[49:49] Cowboys of Mumeza.

[49:51] Yep.

[49:52] And Aristophanes is, of course,

Dan McCoy

[49:54] Biker Meis from Mars,

Stuart Wellington

[49:55] The Birds.

[49:56] That's funny.

[49:57] I would assume that Aristophanes

[49:59] would write Battletoads.

Elliott Kalan

[50:01] Oh, because he wrote the frogs.

[50:03] Damn it.

[50:03] I should have said he wrote

[50:04] Battle Frogs.

[50:05] I believe I got Elliot on that shit.

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] I can fucking die now.

[50:10] Speaking of dying now...

[50:11] Speaking of dying now...

[50:12] Nicholas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] Nicholas Cage,

[50:13] seeing no way to save his honor otherwise,

[50:14] shoots himself in the head.

[50:16] We then cut to some credits

[50:18] that explain that.

Stuart Wellington

[50:19] Uh, ta-ta-ta.

[50:21] We cut to a shot of a picture

[50:25] of Nicholas Cage

[50:26] wearing an admiral's hat,

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] which is a prop that

[50:29] I would very much like to own.

[50:31] That's right.

[50:31] They hang up this

[50:32] in-memoriam photo of him.

[50:33] Oh, that's right.

[50:34] But it's, yeah,

[50:34] this photo,

[50:35] the look on Nicholas Cage's face

[50:37] in what I assume

[50:38] is supposed to be like

[50:39] a portrait photo

[50:40] that his character sat for,

[50:42] he looks shocked

[50:43] to be in a frame on a wall.

[50:45] Like, wait, what?

[50:46] Like, the picture

[50:47] is on its guard at all times.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] So I'm assuming

[50:50] I'm talking to you,

[50:51] Mr. Mario Van Peebles.

[50:53] Please mail it

[50:54] to the Flophouse

[50:54] care of Dan McCoy

[50:55] so that I can put it

[50:57] on my wall.

Elliott Kalan

[50:58] Oh, it would be...

[51:00] That would definitely

[51:00] go up on the wall

[51:01] in Hinterlands, right?

[51:01] Oh, my God.

Dan McCoy

[51:02] It's fucking awesome

[51:03] yeah.

[51:04] So somebody...

[51:05] You can't put it in Hinterlands.

[51:06] That would be stolen

[51:07] the first weekend.

Stuart Wellington

[51:08] That's true.

[51:09] That's true.

[51:10] Yep, it would be stolen

[51:11] and then I'd have to get

[51:12] Danny Houston on the case.

Elliott Kalan

[51:14] With his hat.

[51:15] That's a stolen reference,

[51:16] everybody.

[51:17] We just watched it recently.

[51:18] It's on our minds.

[51:19] So we get some title cards

[51:21] that tell us a little bit

[51:22] about what happened

[51:23] to everybody.

[51:23] Eventually,

[51:24] the captain was exonerated

[51:25] by President Bill Clinton

[51:26] in the 1990s.

[51:29] and then there's a couple

[51:30] shots where it shows you...

Stuart Wellington

[51:32] Bill Slick Willie Clinton,

[51:34] right, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] He probably was just doing...

[51:36] He's like,

[51:36] oh, everybody's talking

[51:38] about my blowjobs.

[51:38] I better exonerate

[51:39] this long-dead

[51:40] World War II captain.

[51:41] That'll distract him.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] That'll change the news cycle.

[51:44] I'll gladly eat a hamburger

[51:46] today and pay you tomorrow

[51:47] with an exoneration.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] Is that what he would do?

[51:55] He'd wander into hamburger shacks

[51:57] like,

[51:58] well,

[51:59] I'm not going to pay you

[52:00] for this hamburger,

[52:01] but if you need to be exonerated

[52:02] from a crime,

[52:03] I'll do that later.

[52:04] So I guess I'm telling you,

[52:06] go commit a crime right now.

[52:08] If a burger's good,

[52:10] two crimes.

Stuart Wellington

[52:11] Give me two burgers,

[52:13] maybe three crimes.

[52:14] I think the problem

[52:14] with my impression

[52:15] was that I wasn't doing

[52:16] the hand motions.

[52:18] I think that's what

[52:18] gives you the power.

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] I did not pay

[52:22] for that hamburger later.

[52:24] I guess but too soon.

[52:26] Oh, wow.

[52:27] President Bill Clinton,

[52:28] what are you doing here?

[52:29] Just exonerating

[52:30] a World War II captain

[52:31] in exchange for a hamburger.

[52:33] Oh, wow.

[52:34] A hamburger.

[52:38] Wow.

[52:38] Hamburglar,

[52:39] what are you doing here?

[52:40] Robble, robble.

[52:41] I wanted to steal

[52:42] the president's hamburger.

[52:43] Oh, I'd leave the lucid

[52:44] for a moment.

[52:45] What if that was the...

[52:46] Oh, pardon you,

[52:48] Hamburglar.

[52:49] Now I want to see

[52:49] a parody of the movie

[52:50] Absolute Power

[52:51] where instead of

[52:52] Clint Eastwood being

[52:53] a thief who breaks

[52:53] into a place

[52:55] and sees the president

[52:57] killing a prostitute,

[52:59] he is the Hamburglar

[53:00] who's trying to break

[53:00] into the White House kitchen

[53:01] to steal the president's hamburger.

[53:03] And it shouldn't be called

[53:03] Absolute Power.

[53:04] It should be called

[53:05] the president's hamburger.

[53:06] And you know

[53:07] who's going to play

[53:07] the Hamburglar?

[53:09] Tom Jane.

[53:10] No.

[53:12] the president?

[53:12] John Cusack.

[53:13] John Cusack.

[53:15] the secret service agent

[53:16] who's got to track down

[53:17] the Hamburglar?

[53:17] Gotta be Nicolas Cage.

[53:18] Nicolas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[53:20] Why was it?

[53:20] Why was an absolute power

[53:22] called the president's a murderer?

Elliott Kalan

[53:25] Exclamation point.

[53:27] Question mark,

[53:28] exclamation point.

[53:29] If it was made

Stuart Wellington

[53:29] in like the 60s or 70s,

[53:31] that's totally

[53:32] what it would have been called.

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] Oh, definitely.

[53:34] Instead of it was made

[53:34] in the 90s

[53:35] when generic titles

[53:36] ruled the day.

[53:37] Unlike now.

[53:38] You know the movie

[53:38] Executive Decision?

[53:39] What was that about?

Dan McCoy

[53:42] Someone made a decision

[53:43] executively.

Stuart Wellington

[53:45] It doesn't have anything

[53:46] to, as I said before,

[53:48] it looks like there's

[53:49] a katana blade

[53:49] on that cover.

[53:50] It's not.

[53:51] It's part of the stealth bomber.

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] Hey, here's a movie

[53:53] where Hugh Grant

[53:55] has discovered

[53:55] that Gene Hackman

[53:56] is experimenting

[53:57] on homeless people.

[53:58] Let's call it

[53:58] Extreme Measures.

[54:00] What does that have

[54:01] to do with anything?

[54:02] You should call it

[54:02] like Homeless Doctor

[54:03] or something like that.

[54:04] like someone

[54:05] is stealing our hobos.

[54:07] Yeah, Extreme Measures

[54:08] don't sound like

[54:08] he's doing a good job.

[54:09] No, I mean

[54:10] a homeless doctor

[54:13] sounds like a good guy.

[54:14] I guess that's just

[54:14] kind of with honors

[54:15] with Joe Pesci.

Dan McCoy

[54:16] Yeah.

[54:17] Whenever I think

[54:17] of Executive Decision

[54:18] now, I can't think

[54:19] of anything other than

[54:20] you making brutal fun

[54:22] of your brother

[54:23] about Executive Decision,

[54:25] about his anecdote

[54:26] about Executive Decision.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] I don't even remember

[54:28] what his anecdote was.

[54:28] Was it just that he saw it?

Dan McCoy

[54:30] It was like he was

[54:31] calling it a major

[54:32] motion picture

[54:33] or something like that.

[54:34] and you were

[54:35] taking exception

[54:36] about that.

[54:37] To the phrase

[54:38] major motion picture.

[54:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:39] I love that there's

[54:40] the one thing

[54:40] Dan thinks of

[54:41] when we talk

[54:41] about Executive Decision

[54:42] and he doesn't

[54:43] remember it correctly.

[54:45] No, I remember it.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] There's Kurt Russell

[54:49] and Steven Seagal, right?

[54:50] No, I'm talking

[54:51] about the moment.

[54:52] The anecdote.

[54:53] I don't remember it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:54] Anyway, let me,

[54:54] I'm going to call

[54:55] an audible

[54:55] because this is boring.

[54:56] Yeah.

[54:57] We're all getting

[54:58] brown cards

[54:59] which means

[54:59] too boring

[55:00] to be on the field.

[55:00] Okay.

[55:01] So this movie ends

[55:02] with a little,

[55:03] with those interview

[55:04] segments we mentioned

[55:05] before,

[55:05] the old man saying

[55:06] he thinks sharks

[55:06] are terrible

[55:07] and that you should

[55:08] punch him in the eye

[55:09] and then at that point

[55:11] I was so drained

[55:13] by this movie.

[55:14] Like it felt like

[55:14] I had spent all that time

[55:16] lying in a raft

[55:16] staring at the sun

[55:18] and it was like

[55:19] movie.

[55:21] This should be

[55:21] an exciting story

[55:22] or a suspenseful story

[55:23] or thrilling.

[55:24] Like how can,

[55:25] how it,

[55:25] maybe some things

[55:26] are just only cut out

[55:27] to be monologues.

[55:28] Maybe they don't need

[55:29] to be movies,

[55:30] you know.

[55:31] Maybe not everything

[55:32] is a spalding gray

[55:33] where it can be a monologue

[55:34] that gets turned

[55:34] into a movie.

[55:36] I mean,

[55:36] I,

[55:36] I mean,

[55:37] maybe it's a vagina monologue

[55:38] which is just a monologue.

Stuart Wellington

[55:40] I don't want to play

[55:40] Monday morning quarterback here

[55:42] but I think there's probably

[55:44] a way that you could have

[55:44] made a exciting story

[55:46] movie out of this story.

Elliott Kalan

[55:48] Tell me a way

[55:49] to make an exciting story.

[55:50] It's an exciting movie

[55:51] out of a story

[55:51] about a ship

[55:52] that gets blown up

[55:53] and then sharks

[55:54] eat everybody.

[55:55] That doesn't sound

[55:56] exciting to me.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] A ship delivering

[55:57] the atomic bomb

[55:58] that gets blown up

[55:59] possibly with torpedoes

[56:01] featuring dudes

[56:01] driving them

[56:02] and then sharks

[56:03] are involved.

[56:04] That's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[56:05] I guess what I would do

[56:06] is,

[56:07] I was about to say

[56:08] I would make it

[56:08] so that they get attacked

[56:09] on their way

[56:10] to delivering the atomic bomb

[56:11] instead of coming back

[56:11] except then what?

[56:13] You can't make a movie

[56:14] where the ship

[56:14] carrying the atomic bomb

[56:15] sinks

[56:16] because that didn't happen.

[56:17] Yeah.

[56:18] Much the same way

[56:19] that one of my big issues

[56:20] with X-Men First Class

[56:21] is that the implications

[56:23] that the Cuban Missile Crisis

[56:24] took place

[56:24] because of mutants

[56:25] which doesn't square

[56:27] with the historical record.

Stuart Wellington

[56:29] In our universe

[56:29] there are no mutants

[56:31] and yet we did have

[56:32] a Cuban Missile Crisis.

[56:33] that's the problem

[56:33] with any time

[56:34] they put like

[56:34] magical heroes

[56:36] in different time periods

[56:37] like the idea

[56:38] that the most recent

[56:39] Transformers movie

[56:40] features Transformers

[56:42] through the ages

[56:42] and you're like

[56:43] so I guess Transformers

[56:44] aren't good enough

[56:45] to stop the fucking Holocaust?

Elliott Kalan

[56:48] I mean,

[56:48] to be fair

[56:49] from the Transformers

[56:50] point of view

[56:50] why would they care?

[56:52] All they want to do

[56:53] is turn into

[56:54] different types of cars.

[56:56] Why do they care

[56:56] what happens to Jews?

[56:57] I mean,

[56:57] I think you're missing

Stuart Wellington

[56:57] some fundamental elements

[56:59] of the Transformers movies

[57:00] and how the Autobots

[57:01] kind of help

[57:02] and work with humanity.

Elliott Kalan

[57:03] Don't say it

[57:04] because now Michael Bay

[57:04] is just going to make

[57:05] a World War II

[57:06] where the Decepticons

[57:07] are helping the Nazis.

Stuart Wellington

[57:08] But I think

[57:09] the new Transformers movie

[57:10] features footage

[57:11] of that type of shit.

[57:12] Oh, really?

[57:13] Yeah,

[57:14] because it starts

[57:14] with them like

[57:15] fighting in the fucking

[57:16] King Arthur times.

Dan McCoy

[57:17] Yeah,

[57:18] I haven't seen

[57:18] the new Transformers movie

[57:19] but how do they justify

[57:21] the fact that no one

[57:21] has been like

[57:22] oh, there's been

[57:23] giant robots forever.

Elliott Kalan

[57:24] That turn into cars.

[57:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:26] a thing that we don't have yet.

Elliott Kalan

[57:28] Like,

[57:29] it's one of those things

[57:30] where

Stuart Wellington

[57:30] That's just a bridge too far.

[57:32] I can accept that

[57:33] there are transforming

[57:34] car aliens

[57:35] in the modern day.

[57:37] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[57:37] if you ask me

[57:38] it's just one of those things

[57:39] where it's like

[57:39] if you ask me to believe

[57:40] that they've existed

[57:41] on history

[57:42] I have to believe

[57:43] that one,

[57:44] the story would have

[57:44] gotten out by this point

[57:45] or two,

[57:47] it would have changed

[57:47] history and the idea

[57:49] that like

[57:49] hmm,

[57:50] like you're saying

[57:51] Maybe it did.

[57:52] Like you're saying

[57:52] you know what

[57:53] wouldn't change history?

[57:54] Giant transforming robots

[57:56] with laser beams

[57:57] that have been here

[57:57] for a thousand years?

[58:00] Like, come on.

Stuart Wellington

[58:01] What were they transforming

[58:02] into before

[58:04] Well, dinosaurs

[58:05] are in the age of extinction.

[58:07] But after a while

[58:07] people would be like

[58:08] that's a fucking dinosaur.

[58:11] Yeah.

[58:11] And that's a dino robot.

[58:13] Oh, yeah.

[58:14] Maybe they're turning

Elliott Kalan

[58:14] into like castles.

Stuart Wellington

[58:16] Yeah, that is kind of weird

[58:17] that the dinobots

[58:18] still look like robots

[58:19] and not dinosaurs.

[58:20] Yeah.

[58:21] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] Well, there's only so far.

[58:23] I mean, dinosaurs

[58:24] aren't made of metal.

[58:25] That's the big thing.

[58:26] You can turn into a car

[58:27] and look at a car

[58:27] because a car is made

[58:28] out of metal.

Stuart Wellington

[58:28] I mean, couldn't they

[58:29] have like a paint job

[58:30] that looks like

[58:31] dinosaur scales?

[58:32] Maybe they just

[58:32] buy a latex suit

[58:33] with scales on it.

[58:35] Or couldn't they just

[58:36] get like some airbrushing

[58:37] on the side of it?

[58:38] I've seen some pretty

[58:39] convincing auto wraps.

[58:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:41] Couldn't they get

[58:42] one of those guys

[58:42] who does those

[58:43] like Trump-Loy

[58:44] chalk drawings

[58:45] that look like

[58:46] they're 3D

[58:46] in photographs

[58:47] and have him

[58:47] draw on them?

Stuart Wellington

[58:48] Yeah.

[58:48] Come on, Transformers.

[58:50] Or here's what you do.

[58:52] Every year,

Elliott Kalan

[58:53] Sports Illustrated

[58:54] hires airbrush painters

[58:55] to paint bikinis

[58:56] onto naked women

[58:57] so that they can

[58:58] put them in magazines.

[59:00] Just do that

[59:00] on the Transformers.

[59:01] Paint a bunch

[59:01] of bikinis on them

[59:02] and they'll look

[59:03] like real bikinis.

Dan McCoy

[59:05] And that'll be

[59:07] the disguise

[59:08] that they need

[59:09] to move freely

[59:10] among bikini girls.

[59:10] Which is going to be like,

Elliott Kalan

[59:11] Yoo-hoo,

[59:12] I'm just a lady.

[59:14] And then some guy

[59:14] will be like,

[59:15] Hubba-hubba,

[59:16] and he's arranging

[59:16] his bow tie.

[59:17] Well, I'm going to

[59:18] hit on this chick

[59:18] and he doesn't

[59:19] seem to notice

[59:19] that she's 30 feet tall

[59:21] and a robot.

[59:24] Guys,

[59:25] I had a real problem

[59:26] on my date last night.

[59:27] What happened?

[59:28] You take her out

[59:28] in your car?

[59:29] Guys,

[59:29] she was the car.

[59:32] Basically,

[59:33] the hotel usher

[59:34] from Some Like It Hot,

[59:36] but he's dating

[59:37] a Transformer.

[59:38] I love that

[59:39] because in every movie

[59:40] there's always

[59:40] the one guy

[59:41] who can't tell

[59:42] that the woman

[59:43] is obviously

[59:44] a man

[59:45] or a gremlin

[59:46] or an animal

[59:47] or a robot

[59:48] and falls in love

[59:49] with them.

Stuart Wellington

[59:50] I don't like the idea

[59:50] that you're inferring

[59:52] that Robert Picardo's

[59:53] character

[59:53] doesn't realize

[59:57] the lady gremlin

[59:58] is a fucking gremlin.

[1:00:00] I think that's part

[1:00:00] of it for him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:01] Okay, fair point.

[1:00:02] Yeah, fair point.

[1:00:03] And I get it, dude.

[1:00:06] See the power

[1:00:07] in those paws?

[1:00:08] Oh, well,

[1:00:09] she's got amazing cabs.

[1:00:11] She'll fucking

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:11] break his crank off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:12] Like the cabs

[1:00:13] and that lady gremlin.

[1:00:15] You have to imagine

[1:00:16] that he's like,

[1:00:16] at the end

[1:00:17] when he's like,

[1:00:17] well,

[1:00:18] and he gives in to her,

[1:00:19] that he's also like,

[1:00:20] well,

[1:00:21] I'm going to be

[1:00:21] the first at something.

[1:00:22] That really was the...

[1:00:23] I gotta believe

[1:00:25] Hoyt Axton

[1:00:25] didn't fuck a gremlin.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] That really was

[1:00:29] the nobody's perfect

[1:00:30] of the modern era.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:31] The ending of that.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:32] Him acquiescing

[1:00:34] to having sex

[1:00:34] with a gremlin.

[1:00:35] Shrugging

[1:00:36] as the lady gremlin

[1:00:37] came predatorily

[1:00:38] towards him.

[1:00:39] Yeah,

[1:00:40] smooching all the ways.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:41] And then it writes

[1:00:42] the end on the screen.

[1:00:43] What a great movie.

[1:00:44] Oh, God,

[1:00:45] that's awesome.

[1:00:46] I'm just going to say it.

[1:00:47] Here's my hot take, guys.

[1:00:48] Gremlins 2

[1:00:49] is everything

[1:00:49] some like it hot

[1:00:50] is not.

[1:00:52] Billy Wilder,

[1:00:53] I love you,

[1:00:54] but go take a lesson

[1:00:55] from Joe Dante.

[1:00:57] So anyway,

[1:00:58] USS Indianapolis

Dan McCoy

[1:00:59] Man of Courage.

[1:01:00] We should do

[1:01:01] the final judgments

[1:01:02] on this movie,

[1:01:02] whether it was

[1:01:03] a good bad movie,

[1:01:03] a bad bad movie,

[1:01:05] or a movie we kind of liked.

[1:01:07] I'm going to go first.

[1:01:08] I'm going to say that

[1:01:09] if this movie

[1:01:10] had been

[1:01:11] 90 minutes long,

[1:01:13] it might have been

[1:01:14] a good bad movie

[1:01:15] because there was

[1:01:16] so much like

[1:01:17] crazy CGI.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:19] We cannot overstate

[1:01:21] how cheap

[1:01:22] this movie looks.

[1:01:22] Yeah.

[1:01:23] it looks

[1:01:24] so super cheap

[1:01:25] and not in a,

[1:01:27] not in the,

[1:01:27] there's like

[1:01:27] the kind of cheap

[1:01:28] where it's like

[1:01:29] primer

[1:01:30] and it's like,

[1:01:31] I'm impressed

[1:01:31] they were able

[1:01:32] to make this

[1:01:32] for like $8,000.

[1:01:34] You know,

[1:01:34] like,

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:34] oh,

[1:01:34] Peter Jackson

[1:01:35] made all those

[1:01:36] masks in his mom's oven.

[1:01:37] That's why

[1:01:38] their heads look weird.

[1:01:39] Yeah,

[1:01:39] exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:40] But then there's

[1:01:40] the cheap

[1:01:41] where it's like,

[1:01:41] you guys

[1:01:42] had the money

[1:01:43] to do better.

[1:01:44] You didn't need

[1:01:45] to show us

[1:01:46] every single ship

[1:01:47] in CGI.

[1:01:48] like just put

[1:01:49] a model

[1:01:49] in a bathtub

[1:01:50] and it would

[1:01:50] look better

[1:01:51] than this.

[1:01:51] But Dan,

[1:01:51] you were saying.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:52] No,

[1:01:52] I just,

[1:01:53] yeah,

[1:01:54] that's all

[1:01:54] I wanted to say

[1:01:55] about it.

[1:01:55] It moves so slowly.

[1:01:58] The middle section

[1:01:59] is just people

[1:02:01] in the water,

[1:02:03] then they get

[1:02:04] killed in the water,

[1:02:05] then they're in the water

[1:02:06] some more,

[1:02:06] then someone gets

[1:02:07] pulled out of a raft.

[1:02:10] You know,

[1:02:10] it's just over

[1:02:11] and over again

[1:02:11] shark deaths

[1:02:13] and that might be

[1:02:14] true to life.

[1:02:15] It may actually

[1:02:16] give us a sense

[1:02:17] of how grueling

[1:02:18] it must have been

[1:02:19] to be one of those

[1:02:19] men out in the water,

[1:02:21] but it does not make

[1:02:22] for a compelling film

[1:02:23] to just sort of

[1:02:25] repeat the same thing

[1:02:27] over and over again.

[1:02:28] So I would say

[1:02:28] it's a bad,

[1:02:29] bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:30] I would say

[1:02:30] bad,

[1:02:31] bad,

[1:02:31] it's so slow

[1:02:32] and so dull.

[1:02:33] if someone wants

[1:02:34] to cut together

[1:02:34] like a YouTube video

[1:02:36] that's just the CGI scenes,

[1:02:38] go ahead and watch it.

[1:02:40] But otherwise,

[1:02:40] like we're never made

[1:02:42] to care about

[1:02:42] any of the characters.

[1:02:43] They're all super

[1:02:44] one-dimensional,

[1:02:45] cartoony even,

[1:02:47] and the movie's just

[1:02:48] so slow

[1:02:49] and so bogged down.

[1:02:50] And by the time

[1:02:51] it gets to the

[1:02:51] court-martial scenes,

[1:02:52] you're like,

[1:02:53] movie,

[1:02:54] over,

[1:02:55] movie,

[1:02:55] be over,

[1:02:56] movie,

[1:02:57] movie,

[1:02:57] be over,

[1:02:58] shut down,

[1:02:59] stop it,

[1:03:00] movie,

[1:03:00] stop it,

[1:03:01] stop it.

[1:03:02] We know you're

[1:03:03] doing it,

[1:03:04] movie,

[1:03:04] now stop it.

[1:03:05] That's what John Oliver

[1:03:06] was watching.

[1:03:07] That's what I call

[1:03:07] a bad,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:08] So,

[1:03:09] you know,

[1:03:10] first off,

[1:03:11] I don't think I'm

[1:03:12] speaking for my co-host

[1:03:13] here,

[1:03:13] but I want to say

[1:03:14] the events depicted

[1:03:16] in this movie

[1:03:17] were a tragedy

[1:03:18] and we would thank

[1:03:18] everybody involved

[1:03:19] for their service.

[1:03:20] Yeah,

[1:03:20] you're right,

[1:03:21] you don't speak for me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:23] Stuart,

[1:03:24] trying to get in

[1:03:24] the extra credit

[1:03:25] points.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:26] But no,

[1:03:27] this is a bad,

[1:03:30] It's grueling,

[1:03:31] but I think there's a way

[1:03:32] to make a grueling

[1:03:34] experience meaningful

[1:03:36] by making you

[1:03:37] actually care about

[1:03:38] the people involved

[1:03:39] before it begins

[1:03:40] to happen.

[1:03:42] Yeah,

[1:03:42] it's just,

[1:03:43] and the idea of

[1:03:44] showing the entire

[1:03:45] story by including

[1:03:48] the court-martial

[1:03:49] sequence,

[1:03:49] I don't feel

[1:03:50] necessarily adds

[1:03:51] anything to the story.

[1:03:52] No,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:53] I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:55] Unless you're going

[1:03:56] to shorten everything

[1:03:57] else before it,

[1:03:59] but it hurts,

[1:04:01] it's disappointing

[1:04:02] partly because

[1:04:03] there is a really

[1:04:04] good movie that's

[1:04:05] just people in a

[1:04:06] boat in open water

[1:04:07] for the whole movie

[1:04:08] and that's Lifeboat.

[1:04:10] And it's like,

[1:04:10] oh,

[1:04:11] that's right.

[1:04:12] Dead calm?

[1:04:13] Maybe,

[1:04:14] I guess,

[1:04:15] yeah,

[1:04:15] too,

[1:04:15] or Knife in the Water

[1:04:16] is just people in a boat.

[1:04:18] But that Lifeboat

[1:04:19] is so close to this

[1:04:20] and I guess

[1:04:21] this is hardly an insult

[1:04:23] to Mero Van Peebles

[1:04:24] to say that he is not

[1:04:25] Alfred Hitchcock

[1:04:25] when it comes to directing.

[1:04:27] And it's trouble

[1:04:29] to ask anyone

[1:04:29] to live up to

[1:04:30] Hitchcock's standard,

[1:04:31] but it's like,

[1:04:32] if you feel like watching this,

[1:04:33] just go watch Lifeboat

[1:04:34] and pretend that

[1:04:35] the lead guy

[1:04:36] is Nicolas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:41] Hello,

[1:04:42] Amita Patel.

S4

[1:04:43] Hello,

[1:04:43] Sean David Johnson.

[1:04:44] What's going on?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:46] I think a friend of mine

[1:04:47] may have chronic

[1:04:47] pop culture deficiency syndrome.

S4

[1:04:49] Oh no,

[1:04:50] PCDS?

[1:04:51] What are the symptoms?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:52] Well,

[1:04:53] she doesn't know

[1:04:53] Wakanda from Westeros.

[1:04:55] Shameful.

[1:04:56] And she keeps confusing

[1:04:57] Aziz Ansari

[1:04:58] in Riz Ahmed.

S4

[1:04:59] Oh my gosh,

[1:05:00] so sad.

[1:05:01] Kind of racist too,

[1:05:02] but what did you tell her to do?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:04] I told her to listen

[1:05:05] to our podcast,

[1:05:06] Inside Pop,

[1:05:06] of course.

S4

[1:05:08] Fantastic idea.

[1:05:09] A weekly dose

[1:05:10] of Inside Pop

[1:05:10] will help anyone

[1:05:11] discover the best

[1:05:12] in TV,

[1:05:12] film,

[1:05:13] and music.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:14] Suffer from PCDS

[1:05:15] no more.

S4

[1:05:16] Inside Pop

[1:05:17] has you covered

[1:05:17] every Wednesday

[1:05:18] on MaxFun.

[1:05:19] How many times

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:23] has this happened to you?

[1:05:24] Oh man,

[1:05:25] if only I knew

[1:05:26] whether it was better

[1:05:27] to be too hot

[1:05:28] or too cold

[1:05:28] or who the best

[1:05:29] James Bond was,

[1:05:30] that girl would have

[1:05:31] gone out with me.

[1:05:32] Now you can

[1:05:33] with We Got This

[1:05:34] with Mark and Hal,

[1:05:35] the podcast

[1:05:35] from MaximumFun.org

[1:05:37] every Tuesday.

[1:05:38] Hey, Lois,

[1:05:39] it's Joey.

[1:05:40] The best James Bond

[1:05:42] was Daniel Craig

[1:05:43] and it's better

[1:05:43] to be too cold

[1:05:44] than too hot.

[1:05:45] Thanks,

[1:05:45] We Got This

[1:05:46] with Mark and Hal.

[1:05:47] Only on MaximumFun.org

[1:05:48] or wherever

Dan McCoy

[1:05:49] you get fine podcasts.

[1:05:52] But the Flophouse

[1:05:53] is supported in part

[1:05:54] tonight

[1:05:55] by Squarespace.

[1:05:56] Make your next move

[1:05:58] with Squarespace.

[1:05:59] Create a beautiful website

[1:06:01] with Squarespace's

[1:06:02] award-winning templates

[1:06:03] and all-in-one platform.

[1:06:05] There's nothing

[1:06:05] to ever install,

[1:06:07] patch,

[1:06:08] or upgrade.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:09] Wait, Dan,

[1:06:09] hold on a second.

[1:06:10] So you're saying

[1:06:10] I don't have to

[1:06:11] download a bunch

[1:06:13] of weird programs

[1:06:14] that I don't really

[1:06:15] understand

[1:06:15] and then download

[1:06:16] new programs

[1:06:17] to fix the bugs

[1:06:18] in those programs

[1:06:19] and then download

[1:06:20] some other thing

[1:06:20] and it turns out

[1:06:21] it's Russian malware

[1:06:22] and now I've got

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:23] a zombie computer.

[1:06:24] The thing is, Elliot,

[1:06:25] each program you download

[1:06:26] makes you smarter

[1:06:27] and smarter

[1:06:27] like Job

[1:06:28] from Lawnmower Man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:29] But my head

[1:06:30] can only hold so much

[1:06:30] like Johnny Mnemonic

[1:06:31] from Johnny Mnemonic.

[1:06:33] So what should we do, Dan?

[1:06:34] How to make our website

[1:06:35] without downloading

[1:06:37] all that stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:38] Look,

[1:06:38] flowers for Al,

[1:06:39] Algernon.

[1:06:40] You'll be fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] Okay.

[1:06:41] Your rank can stay

Dan McCoy

[1:06:42] the normal size.

[1:06:44] Oh, thank goodness.

[1:06:45] His name was Charlie.

[1:06:47] Yeah, I know

[1:06:48] his name was Charlie.

[1:06:49] I'm just...

[1:06:50] The mouse was named Charlie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:51] No, the mouse

[1:06:52] was named Algernon.

[1:06:53] Because he was named

[1:06:54] after Algernon Blackwood.

[1:06:55] Oh, okay.

[1:06:56] The weird fiction author.

[1:06:59] So Squarespace, Dan.

[1:07:00] Yeah, stay on topic.

[1:07:02] Because Dan,

[1:07:02] you know what?

[1:07:03] It's been a while

[1:07:04] since I talked about

[1:07:04] one of my website.

[1:07:05] All right.

[1:07:06] But there's a website

[1:07:08] that we talked about

[1:07:09] something earlier

[1:07:09] that really reminded me of it.

[1:07:11] Uh-huh.

[1:07:12] And I don't want to,

[1:07:13] I don't want to take time

[1:07:14] away from Squarespace,

[1:07:15] but I wonder if they could

[1:07:15] help me, actually,

[1:07:16] is I've been,

[1:07:18] there's a website

[1:07:18] I've been talking about

[1:07:19] or thinking about a lot.

[1:07:21] I've got some investors

[1:07:22] lined up.

[1:07:22] And it's called

[1:07:23] numbanus.org.

[1:07:25] Okay.

[1:07:25] Now, it's the only website

[1:07:27] where you can,

[1:07:29] it's your place on the web

[1:07:30] for numb anuses,

[1:07:31] you know,

[1:07:31] where it's like

[1:07:31] you've got ice in your butt maybe,

[1:07:33] or maybe you're full of Novocaine

[1:07:35] in your butt.

[1:07:36] I don't know.

[1:07:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:37] We're going to find out

[1:07:38] when we flesh it out on the site.

[1:07:40] Sure, flesh it out,

[1:07:41] if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:41] There's going to be quizzes,

[1:07:42] there's going to be like

[1:07:43] tips and tricks

[1:07:45] from the pros.

[1:07:46] And so not for profit.

[1:07:47] Not at all for profit.

[1:07:48] This is a public service

[1:07:49] in a very,

[1:07:51] very underserved demographic.

[1:07:53] Those who have a need

[1:07:54] for information,

[1:07:55] tips, tricks, hints,

[1:07:56] videos, vlogging,

[1:07:58] and insight

[1:07:58] about numb anuses.

[1:08:00] So do you think that

[1:08:00] they could help me

[1:08:01] with www.numbanus.org?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:03] Yeah, man.

[1:08:04] As much as they may not like to,

[1:08:06] they could definitely

[1:08:07] help you do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:09] Now, I want people

[1:08:10] to be able to look at this

[1:08:10] on their phones,

[1:08:11] like if they're on a train.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:12] I mean, that's the only time

[1:08:13] I ever look at numb anuses.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:14] Like, I don't want people

[1:08:15] to be just stuck

[1:08:16] looking at it on their house.

[1:08:18] I want it to be looked at

[1:08:19] in public places, too.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:20] It's 21st century, dude.

[1:08:21] Does it scale

[1:08:22] to mobile devices?

[1:08:23] It scales to all kinds

[1:08:25] of devices.

[1:08:25] Your iPhone,

[1:08:27] your iPad.

[1:08:28] Yeah, maybe you'll switch

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:29] from your phone

[1:08:29] to your iPad.

[1:08:30] All the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:33] But like,

[1:08:34] do I need to know

[1:08:35] how to code?

[1:08:35] Because I don't know

[1:08:36] how to code.

[1:08:36] I just know

[1:08:37] there's a lot of people

[1:08:37] out there who need help

[1:08:38] numbing their butts.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:40] You don't need to know

[1:08:41] how to code at all.

[1:08:43] Squarespace has

[1:08:44] beautiful templates

[1:08:44] that help you

[1:08:45] no matter

[1:08:46] your experience level.

[1:08:48] Very low in my case.

[1:08:49] Now, is there

[1:08:49] 24-7 tech support?

[1:08:51] There is, in fact,

[1:08:51] 24-7 customer support.

[1:08:53] So let's run

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:54] through a scenario.

[1:08:55] Don't need to code

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] to numb your chode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:57] I mean,

[1:08:58] numb chode

[1:08:59] would be a different site,

[1:09:00] yes.

[1:09:01] Now, Dan,

[1:09:02] let's run through

[1:09:02] a little scenario.

[1:09:03] Okay.

[1:09:04] You'll be tech support

[1:09:04] at Squarespace.

[1:09:05] Hi, tech support.

[1:09:06] This is Elliot.

[1:09:06] I have a question.

[1:09:08] Hello, Elliot.

[1:09:09] Now, I am having

[1:09:10] trouble with the template

[1:09:12] for my website,

[1:09:13] www.numanus.org,

[1:09:15] your place online

[1:09:16] for numbing anuses

[1:09:17] and butts

[1:09:18] that can't feel things.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:19] That sounds like

[1:09:20] a service that many

[1:09:21] people would enjoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] Thank you for being

[1:09:23] nonjudgmental about

[1:09:24] that, Squarespace.

[1:09:24] You can help me

[1:09:25] with my problem?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:26] I will help you

[1:09:27] right away, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:28] Wow, that was great.

[1:09:29] That was a wonderful

[1:09:30] experience.

[1:09:31] Thank you, Squarespace.

[1:09:32] Thank you, Elliot Kalin,

Dan McCoy

[1:09:33] owner of

[1:09:34] numumanuses.org.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:35] Well, it's

[1:09:36] numumanus.org.

[1:09:37] Okay.

[1:09:38] numumanuses.

[1:09:38] I better register

[1:09:39] them both.

[1:09:41] So, Dan,

[1:09:42] what else about

[1:09:42] Squarespace?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:43] For a free trial

[1:09:44] and 10% off

[1:09:45] your first purchase,

[1:09:46] visit squarespace.com

[1:09:47] slash flop.

[1:09:49] But we're also

[1:09:50] sponsored in part

[1:09:51] tonight by Casper,

[1:09:53] an online retailer

[1:09:54] of premium mattresses

[1:09:56] for a fraction

[1:09:57] of the price.

[1:09:58] Casper mattresses

[1:09:59] feature supportive

[1:10:01] memory foam

[1:10:02] for a sleep surface

[1:10:03] that's got

[1:10:03] just the right sink

[1:10:04] and just the right bounce.

[1:10:07] Risk-free trial

[1:10:10] and return policy

[1:10:11] for Casper mattresses.

[1:10:13] Try sleeping

[1:10:13] on a Casper

[1:10:14] for 10...

[1:10:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:16] Get that mattress

[1:10:17] on, nasty,

Dan McCoy

[1:10:18] sleep on it

[1:10:18] for a while,

[1:10:19] send it back.

[1:10:19] I've been sleeping

[1:10:20] on a Casper mattress.

[1:10:21] I mean,

[1:10:21] talk from the heart

[1:10:22] about your sleeping.

[1:10:23] Look,

[1:10:23] I love a Casper mattress.

[1:10:26] I sleep on one

[1:10:27] every night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:30] What does it feel like?

[1:10:30] Describe it.

[1:10:31] Paint us a word picture

[1:10:31] about the texture.

[1:10:33] Well, it's got

Dan McCoy

[1:10:33] just the right sink

[1:10:34] and just the right bounce.

[1:10:35] I know that about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:36] That doesn't really feel

[1:10:37] like it came from your heart.

[1:10:38] Come on,

[1:10:39] when you...

[1:10:39] Okay, let's paint

[1:10:40] a word picture.

[1:10:41] Okay.

[1:10:41] Dan has just

[1:10:42] gotten home from work.

[1:10:44] Yep.

[1:10:44] Ugh, and he eats dinner.

[1:10:46] Oh, so tired.

[1:10:47] Slip on that sleep apnea mask.

[1:10:48] Just goes to his TiVo,

[1:10:50] plays whatever porn

[1:10:51] he's recorded.

[1:10:52] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:54] Not to masturbate,

[1:10:54] just to critique

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:55] for his website.

[1:10:56] So your sleep apnea mask

[1:10:58] reaches to the couch.

[1:10:59] The what?

[1:11:00] His sleep apnea mask

[1:11:01] reaches the couch.

[1:11:02] Yeah.

[1:11:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:03] Now, as he's watching

[1:11:05] the porn of his sleep apnea mask

[1:11:07] and he says,

[1:11:09] I don't want to sleep

[1:11:09] on the couch tonight.

[1:11:10] I want to sleep

[1:11:10] on my mattress

[1:11:11] because it's super comfortable.

[1:11:12] And you wheel

[1:11:13] what I assume

[1:11:14] is a very cumbersome

[1:11:16] sleep apnea mechanism

[1:11:17] into your room

[1:11:18] the size of like

[1:11:19] an ENIAC computer.

[1:11:21] Yep.

[1:11:21] It's actually

[1:11:21] a very sleek

Dan McCoy

[1:11:22] little machine.

[1:11:24] You shoo Archie

[1:11:24] off of the bed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:25] And you finally

[1:11:27] you sit down

[1:11:28] on that Casper mattress

[1:11:28] and then you lay down.

[1:11:29] And what does it feel like?

[1:11:31] Talk about the relief

Dan McCoy

[1:11:31] that you feel.

[1:11:32] Are you a back sleeper

[1:11:34] or a tummy sleeper?

[1:11:35] Or on the side.

[1:11:36] I'm a back sleeper

[1:11:38] most of the time.

[1:11:40] A side sleeper

[1:11:41] like 25% of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:43] So you're that 25%.

[1:11:45] Would you consider yourself

[1:11:45] to be like a little spoon

[1:11:46] or a big spoon?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:48] I would consider myself

[1:11:49] to be a big spoon.

[1:11:51] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:52] Yeah.

[1:11:52] Okay.

[1:11:53] Like a ladle?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:54] Like a, yeah.

[1:11:55] Some sort of ladle

[1:11:57] or a serving spoon perhaps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:59] Like a wooden spoon

[1:12:00] you can spank someone with

[1:12:01] or someone can bite down

[1:12:02] so they don't

[1:12:03] just swallow their own tongue.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:04] Sure.

[1:12:04] Certainly the first one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:06] Okay.

[1:12:06] A ladle.

[1:12:08] Yeah.

[1:12:08] Okay.

[1:12:08] So Dan Ladle

[1:12:09] he lies down

[1:12:10] and he's like

[1:12:11] ah Casper mattress

[1:12:12] thank you for providing

[1:12:13] comfort and support

[1:12:15] at a very low price.

[1:12:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:17] You can say wow.

[1:12:18] I'm dreaming.

[1:12:18] You might even be like

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:19] wow.

[1:12:21] A Casper mattress.

[1:12:23] This is so great.

[1:12:24] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:25] Yeah.

[1:12:26] The disappointment

[1:12:27] in Dan's face

[1:12:27] when he looks at Elliot's face.

[1:12:29] It's like

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:30] That was so much disdain.

[1:12:33] Listeners,

[1:12:33] you can't imagine

[1:12:34] the disdain in Dan's face.

[1:12:36] It's like

[1:12:36] The fact that Elliot

[1:12:37] was able to finish the joke.

[1:12:39] Have you ever seen

[1:12:40] in a cartoon comic

[1:12:41] where someone is staring

[1:12:42] literal daggers

[1:12:43] at someone?

[1:12:44] It was like

[1:12:44] he didn't even want to

[1:12:46] he didn't even

[1:12:46] so disdainful

[1:12:47] he didn't even want to

[1:12:48] use the energy

[1:12:48] to hurl daggers

[1:12:49] out of his eyes at me.

[1:12:51] But I could feel him.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:53] Casper mattress.

[1:12:54] Casper mattresses.

[1:12:55] Is there a product code?

[1:12:57] I just want to try

[1:12:58] one more time

[1:12:59] to say what I wanted

[1:13:00] to say before

[1:13:00] which is

[1:13:01] you can try sleeping

[1:13:02] on a Casper

[1:13:02] for 100 days

[1:13:03] with free delivery

[1:13:05] to the US

[1:13:05] and Canada

[1:13:06] and painless returns.

[1:13:07] All mattresses

[1:13:08] made in America.

[1:13:10] Flophouse listeners

[1:13:10] can get $50

[1:13:11] towards any mattress purchase

[1:13:13] by visiting

[1:13:14] www.casper.com

[1:13:16] slash flophouse

[1:13:18] and using promo code

[1:13:20] flophouse

[1:13:21] all one word

[1:13:22] at checkout.

[1:13:23] Terms and conditions apply.

[1:13:25] Don't they always?

[1:13:28] We've got some

[1:13:30] Jumbotrons as well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:31] Jumbotrons.

[1:13:32] Jumbotrons.

[1:13:33] Wrap, wrap, wrap.

[1:13:34] Wrap, wrap, wrap, wrap.

[1:13:35] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:36] Poinko.

[1:13:37] Hey, guys.

[1:13:37] I'm going to jump

[1:13:38] onto this one.

[1:13:39] Thanks for giving me

[1:13:40] another shot

[1:13:41] after last week's mishap.

[1:13:44] This message

[1:13:45] is for Casey.

[1:13:47] The message is from

[1:13:49] Nate.

[1:13:49] Currently on the bat.

[1:13:50] And the preferred

[1:13:51] time frame is

[1:13:52] next available.

[1:13:55] Okay.

[1:13:56] You don't need

[1:13:56] to specify that

[1:13:57] but go on.

[1:13:59] Happy birthday, Casey.

[1:14:01] You are so

[1:14:02] talented,

[1:14:04] creative,

[1:14:04] and funny.

[1:14:06] I feel really lucky

[1:14:07] to have you in my life

[1:14:09] and look forward

[1:14:10] to many more years

[1:14:11] together.

[1:14:12] From your

[1:14:13] sort of romantic

[1:14:15] boyfriend,

[1:14:16] crazy smiley face,

[1:14:18] Nate.

[1:14:20] That's pretty sweet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:21] Yeah.

[1:14:21] I've got another sweet one.

[1:14:23] This message is from

[1:14:24] Rosie B.

[1:14:25] and Chris C.

[1:14:26] They both,

[1:14:27] it's just their

[1:14:28] first initials,

[1:14:29] so I assume

[1:14:29] they're Spice Girls.

[1:14:30] And the message

[1:14:31] is for Rosie B.

[1:14:33] And the message

[1:14:33] is from Charlene

[1:14:35] the Blade of Honor.

[1:14:36] And Charlene says,

[1:14:38] congrats on your

[1:14:38] upcoming nuptials.

[1:14:39] Rosie's butt will soon

[1:14:40] be heavily desired

[1:14:41] by Dan.

[1:14:42] I hope you both

[1:14:43] like this message

[1:14:44] read by your

[1:14:44] favorite podcast hosts

[1:14:46] because I'm not

[1:14:46] getting you an

[1:14:47] actual wedding present.

[1:14:48] I love you both

[1:14:49] and I think I speak

[1:14:50] for everyone when I

[1:14:50] say don't get a

[1:14:51] divorce.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:52] They're expensive

[1:14:53] and sad.

[1:14:54] Love you guys.

[1:14:55] Yay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:56] Two very nice

[1:14:57] messages.

[1:14:58] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:58] congratulations

[1:14:58] Rosie B.

[1:14:59] They even pulled

[1:15:00] Dan in with that

[1:15:01] message.

[1:15:01] I like that.

[1:15:02] Because Dan loves

[1:15:03] wife butts.

[1:15:04] Now you're part

[1:15:05] of their narrative.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:06] DL Cool WB.

[1:15:07] Yeah.

[1:15:08] That's your rap

[1:15:08] name.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:11] But now it's time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:12] Wait, Dan,

[1:15:13] we've got some

[1:15:13] things of our own

[1:15:14] to plug.

[1:15:14] You've got to plug

[1:15:15] some things.

[1:15:15] We've got some

[1:15:16] things of our own

[1:15:16] to plug,

[1:15:17] so belay that

[1:15:18] because it's not

[1:15:18] time for singing yet.

[1:15:20] Just want to remind

[1:15:20] our Flophouse listeners

[1:15:22] of some special things

[1:15:23] we've got coming up.

[1:15:24] For instance,

[1:15:24] we're going to be

[1:15:25] part of the Philly

[1:15:26] Podfest in beautiful

[1:15:29] Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:31] So spit out your

[1:15:32] cheesesteak and rush

[1:15:33] over to the

[1:15:34] Trocadero Theater

[1:15:35] and get in line.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:37] Or go to

[1:15:38] phillypodfest.com

[1:15:40] where you can buy

[1:15:41] tickets.

[1:15:42] It's going to be

[1:15:42] Sunday, July 16th,

[1:15:44] same day as my

[1:15:45] aunt's birthday party.

[1:15:46] So yes, I will be

[1:15:47] rushing from my

[1:15:48] aunt's birthday party

[1:15:49] to Philadelphia,

[1:15:49] Pennsylvania to be

[1:15:50] there.

[1:15:50] And I'll be worried

Dan McCoy

[1:15:52] the whole time about

[1:15:53] whether he'll be

[1:15:53] there in time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:54] It'll be a race

[1:15:55] against the clock,

[1:15:56] a real nick of time

[1:15:56] starring Johnny Depp.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:57] And the whole time

[1:15:58] I'll be hoping that

[1:15:59] we can just have

[1:16:00] Sidney McElroy

[1:16:00] sit in for Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:02] Anyway, the show

[1:16:03] is at 8 o'clock,

[1:16:04] doors are at 7.30.

[1:16:05] Tickets, I believe,

[1:16:06] are still available.

[1:16:07] So go to

[1:16:07] phillypodfest.com

[1:16:08] or just, I guess,

[1:16:09] Google the

[1:16:10] Flophouse Philadelphia

[1:16:11] Podcast Festival.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:13] And we're going to be

[1:16:13] that show,

[1:16:15] I think,

[1:16:16] I think it's time

[1:16:17] to hold Dan's

[1:16:18] feet to the fire.

[1:16:19] What fucking movie

[1:16:20] are we going to talk

[1:16:20] about that show?

[1:16:22] I believe we decided

Dan McCoy

[1:16:23] on watching

[1:16:24] The Great Wall.

[1:16:25] What's so great

[1:16:27] about it?

[1:16:27] The Great Wall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:28] The Great Wall

[1:16:29] starring Matthew

[1:16:30] Demon.

[1:16:31] What?

[1:16:32] And an international

[1:16:33] cast of stars.

[1:16:35] That's right,

[1:16:36] the movie The Great Wall,

[1:16:37] a US,

[1:16:38] a China co-production,

[1:16:39] and I'm very curious

[1:16:40] about it.

[1:16:41] We're going to be

[1:16:42] talking about that one.

[1:16:43] We're going to be

[1:16:44] having fun.

[1:16:45] We've never done

[1:16:45] a Philadelphia show before.

[1:16:47] No, we've never done it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:48] And this is,

[1:16:49] yeah, this is like

[1:16:50] literally weeks

[1:16:51] before we mail

[1:16:53] Elliot off to Abu Dhabi.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] Is that how

[1:16:56] it's going to happen?

[1:16:57] Yeah, right?

[1:16:58] Yeah, it's going to be,

[1:16:59] is that,

[1:17:01] no, I think

[1:17:02] it's going to be

[1:17:03] one of the last things

[1:17:03] we record together

[1:17:04] in person for a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:05] Yeah, and it's

[1:17:07] two weeks before

[1:17:07] you move to LA.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:08] It's a historic moment

[1:17:09] both for me and America.

[1:17:10] We keep talking,

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:10] we keep bringing it up

[1:17:12] on the show,

[1:17:12] but it just makes us sad.

[1:17:13] That's all.

[1:17:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:14] So, if you're in Philadelphia

[1:17:16] or you're nearby,

[1:17:16] you want to see us live

[1:17:18] recording an episode,

[1:17:19] go to phillypodfest.com

[1:17:21] and buy your tickets.

[1:17:21] That's July 16th,

[1:17:22] a Sunday.

[1:17:23] Yeah, I'm looking forward

[1:17:23] to that weekend.

[1:17:24] Yeah, it should be fun.

[1:17:26] Also, also,

[1:17:28] a lot of people of you

[1:17:29] have gotten these already,

[1:17:30] but maybe a lot of you

[1:17:31] haven't,

[1:17:31] and I think you're

[1:17:32] going to like them.

[1:17:33] The Flophouse Funnies

[1:17:34] comic book series.

[1:17:36] It's available at

[1:17:36] flophousepodcast.com

[1:17:38] slash comics.

[1:17:39] And there's three

[1:17:40] short stories out now.

[1:17:42] We each wrote one.

[1:17:43] The theme was horror.

[1:17:44] And all proceeds

[1:17:45] go to the American

[1:17:46] Civil Liberties Union,

[1:17:47] which we need now

[1:17:48] more than ever

[1:17:50] because things aren't

[1:17:51] so good right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:53] They're kind of,

[1:17:53] I think in a way,

[1:17:54] they're kind of our

[1:17:55] like take on a

[1:17:57] Tales from the Crypt

[1:17:58] style anthology comic.

[1:18:00] Yes.

[1:18:01] And it's,

[1:18:02] as a non-creative,

[1:18:05] it's an exciting

[1:18:06] opportunity to get

[1:18:07] to do some

[1:18:08] storytelling.

[1:18:09] I think Stuart's

[1:18:10] very creative.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:10] In a medium that I

[1:18:11] love.

[1:18:13] And we're,

[1:18:14] we have three stories

[1:18:15] out now,

[1:18:15] and because of the

[1:18:16] support we've already

[1:18:17] received,

[1:18:18] we're already planning

[1:18:19] three more stories.

[1:18:21] On another theme.

[1:18:22] On another theme

[1:18:23] that are already

[1:18:23] shaping up to be

[1:18:24] pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:25] Yeah,

[1:18:25] and so if you

[1:18:26] haven't bought the

[1:18:27] issues,

[1:18:27] please do.

[1:18:28] You can donate

[1:18:28] anywhere from a

[1:18:29] dollar to infinite

[1:18:30] monies,

[1:18:31] and that money goes

[1:18:32] to protecting our

[1:18:33] civil liberties.

[1:18:34] And you get three

[1:18:35] very different stories

[1:18:36] that are all

[1:18:37] spookily good good.

[1:18:40] And that's all the,

[1:18:41] that's all the

[1:18:42] Flophouse promotional

[1:18:43] stuff,

[1:18:44] I believe,

[1:18:44] that we have.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:45] Well,

[1:18:46] that means that

[1:18:47] it's time for

[1:18:48] letters from listeners.

[1:18:50] Listeners like you?

[1:18:51] Yes,

[1:18:51] that's right.

[1:18:52] Listeners like you.

[1:18:54] And the first

[1:18:55] letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:55] What's a listener

[1:18:56] like you like?

[1:18:58] I have to assume

[1:18:59] you're a person

[1:19:00] of some talent,

[1:19:02] charisma,

[1:19:03] looks,

[1:19:03] and attraction.

[1:19:05] Of someone who

[1:19:06] has the whole

[1:19:06] world on a string.

[1:19:08] Somebody wraps

[1:19:09] the world around

[1:19:10] their finger.

[1:19:11] It's you,

[1:19:11] so write us a

[1:19:12] letter.

[1:19:14] A listener is

[1:19:15] someone who has

[1:19:16] a big heart,

[1:19:17] has a big brain,

[1:19:18] maybe big thumbs,

[1:19:20] but that's not

[1:19:21] your problem.

[1:19:21] Just because it

[1:19:22] makes it harder

[1:19:24] to dial your

[1:19:25] iPhone,

[1:19:26] because your

[1:19:26] thumbs are so

[1:19:27] big,

[1:19:27] you're hitting

[1:19:28] all the buttons.

[1:19:29] Doesn't mean you

[1:19:30] have to stop

[1:19:31] from writing us

[1:19:31] a letter.

[1:19:32] A listener like

[1:19:33] you can get

[1:19:34] around the fact

[1:19:35] that they have

[1:19:35] such big thumbs

[1:19:36] shouldn't be

[1:19:37] something that

[1:19:38] causes you

[1:19:39] trouble.

[1:19:40] Get out that

[1:19:40] big thumb,

[1:19:41] make your

[1:19:42] anus numb,

[1:19:43] write us a

[1:19:43] letter from a

[1:19:44] listener like

[1:19:45] you.

[1:19:47] Oh,

[1:19:48] wow.

[1:19:48] I was able

[1:19:49] to tie in

[1:19:50] my new

[1:19:50] website.

[1:19:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:51] Yeah.

[1:19:52] That's pretty

[1:19:52] good.

[1:19:54] He's sending

[1:19:55] himself a text

[1:19:55] message.

[1:19:56] Yeah.

[1:19:56] It says erase

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:57] this episode.

[1:19:59] Note to self,

[1:20:00] go back in time,

[1:20:01] kill Elliot's

[1:20:02] grandparents.

[1:20:03] Oh,

[1:20:03] wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:03] This first

[1:20:04] message is from

[1:20:05] Derek,

[1:20:06] last name withheld.

[1:20:07] I can't stop

[1:20:07] fucking saying,

[1:20:08] oh,

[1:20:08] wow,

[1:20:09] by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:10] Once it gets

[1:20:10] in your system.

[1:20:11] I'm going to have

[1:20:11] to go to a doctor.

[1:20:12] It's a real

[1:20:13] earworm.

[1:20:14] Oh,

[1:20:15] wow.

[1:20:16] We put a worm

[1:20:16] in my ear.

[1:20:17] Wow.

[1:20:18] Con.

[1:20:19] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:20] Derek,

[1:20:21] last name

[1:20:21] withheld,

[1:20:22] writes,

[1:20:23] with all the

[1:20:24] notable celebrity

[1:20:25] deaths.

[1:20:25] Derek?

[1:20:26] Yeah,

[1:20:26] Derek.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:27] Yeah,

[1:20:27] like an oil

[1:20:27] Derek.

[1:20:28] With all the

[1:20:29] notable.

[1:20:30] Like Derek

Dan McCoy

[1:20:30] Jacoby?

[1:20:30] Yeah.

[1:20:31] Yeah,

[1:20:31] or Derek

[1:20:31] Jacob.

[1:20:31] You think it's

[1:20:32] Derek Jacoby?

[1:20:33] Could it be

[1:20:33] Derek Jacoby?

[1:20:34] It's probably

[1:20:34] Derek Jacoby.

[1:20:35] Okay,

[1:20:36] just read the

[1:20:36] letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:37] Is it Derek

[1:20:37] Chirino,

[1:20:37] who I went to

[1:20:38] elementary school

[1:20:39] with?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:40] Name

[1:20:40] dropper.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:42] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:42] With all the,

Dan McCoy

[1:20:44] with all the

[1:20:44] notable celebrity

[1:20:45] deaths in 2016,

[1:20:46] a friend of mine

[1:20:47] proposed drafting

[1:20:48] a list of

[1:20:48] celebrities that

[1:20:49] we would be

[1:20:49] most upset

[1:20:50] about dying.

[1:20:52] After a round

[1:20:52] of forgettable

[1:20:53] picks,

[1:20:53] we quickly

[1:20:54] started taking

[1:20:54] people whose

[1:20:55] deaths would

[1:20:56] most directly

[1:20:56] affect our

[1:20:57] day-to-day

[1:20:57] lives,

[1:20:58] rather than

[1:20:59] people we

[1:20:59] had a fondness

[1:21:00] for,

[1:21:01] because we're

[1:21:01] selfish dicks.

[1:21:03] Notably,

[1:21:04] we chose people

[1:21:04] with unfinished

[1:21:05] work who would

[1:21:05] leave us

[1:21:06] feeling unfulfilled

[1:21:07] if they shuffled

[1:21:07] off anytime soon.

[1:21:09] I took George

[1:21:09] R.R.

[1:21:10] Martin in the

[1:21:10] third round,

[1:21:11] but I feel like

[1:21:12] I made a major

[1:21:12] steal in the

[1:21:13] fifth round

[1:21:14] when I selected

[1:21:14] one Elliot Kalin.

[1:21:16] My friend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:17] I mean,

[1:21:18] I compliment,

[1:21:19] flattered kind

[1:21:19] of,

[1:21:20] but also horrified.

[1:21:20] I feel so bad

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:21] because then Dan

[1:21:22] would have to

[1:21:22] marry Danielle

[1:21:23] and they would

[1:21:23] be the weirdest

[1:21:24] celebrity couple

[1:21:25] ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:26] Yeah,

[1:21:26] their celebrity

[1:21:26] name would just

[1:21:27] be Danielle,

[1:21:28] which is just

[1:21:28] my wife's name.

[1:21:29] Yeah.

[1:21:30] And,

[1:21:30] uh,

[1:21:32] I mean,

[1:21:32] I think Sammy

[1:21:32] would eventually

[1:21:33] accept you as

[1:21:34] a stepdad.

[1:21:35] Maybe a little

[1:21:35] rough at first,

[1:21:36] but I think

[1:21:36] your shared

[1:21:37] love of Muppets

[1:21:37] and also,

[1:21:39] uh,

[1:21:40] you can,

[1:21:40] you can bake.

[1:21:41] I think,

[1:21:42] I think he would

[1:21:43] accept me as a

Dan McCoy

[1:21:44] stepdad much

[1:21:45] faster than Danielle

[1:21:45] would upset me

[1:21:46] as a husband.

[1:21:47] I think that's

[1:21:48] very fair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:48] I think both of

[1:21:49] them would probably

[1:21:50] be put off by

[1:21:51] your,

[1:21:52] let's say,

[1:21:52] reduced amount

[1:21:53] of body hair.

[1:21:54] It is,

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:57] it is true.

[1:21:58] And this might

[1:21:58] be getting a little

[1:21:58] too personal that

[1:21:59] my son likes to

[1:22:00] comment on the

[1:22:00] amount of fur

[1:22:01] that I have

[1:22:02] and asks about

[1:22:04] if he's going to

[1:22:05] get fur and he

[1:22:06] just likes to

[1:22:06] pet it sometimes.

[1:22:08] Like when I'm

[1:22:08] reading him,

[1:22:09] when I'm reading

[1:22:09] him a book

[1:22:10] before bed,

[1:22:11] he'll just,

[1:22:12] before he goes

[1:22:12] to bed,

[1:22:13] not me,

[1:22:13] he doesn't tuck

[1:22:14] me in.

[1:22:14] When I'm reading

[1:22:15] him a book

[1:22:15] before bed,

[1:22:16] he'll sometimes

[1:22:16] just kind of

[1:22:16] be in my arms,

[1:22:17] just kind of

[1:22:18] petting the hair

[1:22:19] on my arms.

[1:22:20] It's very sweet.

[1:22:22] Anyway.

[1:22:23] Like his dad

[1:22:23] is a friendly

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:24] bear.

[1:22:24] It's like he

[1:22:24] just gave me

[1:22:25] a gift,

[1:22:26] Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:28] Derek continues.

[1:22:29] Anyway,

[1:22:30] what celebrity's

[1:22:30] death would

[1:22:31] most greatly

[1:22:32] upset you

[1:22:33] if it happened

[1:22:33] in 2017?

[1:22:35] Also,

[1:22:35] do you have

[1:22:35] any plans

[1:22:36] to do a live

[1:22:36] show in Boston

[1:22:37] anytime soon?

[1:22:38] We'd love to

[1:22:38] see it.

[1:22:39] ROCK in the

[1:22:39] USA.

[1:22:40] Sincerely,

[1:22:41] Derek,

[1:22:41] last name

[1:22:41] withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:42] Not sure

[1:22:43] if we can

[1:22:43] do a Boston

[1:22:44] show.

[1:22:44] I'm worried

[1:22:44] that the

[1:22:45] Beantown

[1:22:45] bad boy

[1:22:46] and his

[1:22:46] brother

[1:22:46] the bad

[1:22:47] boy

[1:22:47] would come

[1:22:47] beat us

[1:22:48] up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:48] Wait,

[1:22:49] which one

[1:22:49] is the

[1:22:49] Beantown

[1:22:50] bad boy?

[1:22:51] Casey?

[1:22:51] Casey

[1:22:51] have

[1:22:51] like,

[1:22:52] yeah.

[1:22:53] There's

[1:22:53] the Beantown

[1:22:53] bad boy

[1:22:54] and the

[1:22:54] Beantown

[1:22:54] bad boy?

[1:22:55] Yeah.

[1:22:55] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:56] Because he's

[1:22:56] a Batman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:57] I'm surprised

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:59] I have to

[1:22:59] explain this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:00] No,

[1:23:00] no,

[1:23:01] I just

[1:23:01] wonder

[1:23:01] which one

[1:23:02] was the

[1:23:02] bad boy.

[1:23:03] Well,

Dan McCoy

[1:23:04] if,

[1:23:05] I mean,

[1:23:06] apparently

[1:23:06] Elliot Kalin

[1:23:07] is a

[1:23:08] celebrity

[1:23:08] in this

[1:23:08] scenario,

[1:23:09] so Elliot.

[1:23:10] Certainly,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:11] I would be

[1:23:11] the saddest

Dan McCoy

[1:23:11] if he died.

[1:23:12] I would be

[1:23:13] the one

[1:23:14] that I would

[1:23:14] choose

[1:23:14] to be

[1:23:15] saddest

[1:23:15] if,

[1:23:16] so first

[1:23:17] off,

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:18] he passed

[1:23:18] away.

[1:23:19] Derek,

[1:23:19] I appreciate

[1:23:19] that.

[1:23:19] Thank you

[1:23:20] for listening.

[1:23:21] It's a

[1:23:21] lovely letter,

[1:23:23] but this

[1:23:23] game is

[1:23:23] fucked up.

[1:23:24] I would

[1:23:25] say,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:25] I was

[1:23:25] thinking about

[1:23:26] this and

[1:23:26] it was

[1:23:26] like,

[1:23:27] all of

[1:23:28] them,

[1:23:28] any of

[1:23:29] them,

[1:23:29] I don't

[1:23:29] like it

[1:23:30] when people

[1:23:30] die,

[1:23:30] I don't

[1:23:31] want them

[1:23:31] to die.

[1:23:32] Clearly,

[1:23:33] there are

[1:23:33] people that

[1:23:33] I know

[1:23:34] personally

[1:23:34] that I'd

[1:23:34] be very

[1:23:35] upset

[1:23:35] about,

[1:23:35] but it's

[1:23:36] not like,

[1:23:36] I never

[1:23:37] hear that a

[1:23:37] celebrity

[1:23:37] has died

[1:23:38] and I'm

[1:23:38] like,

[1:23:38] good.

[1:23:39] Maybe when

[1:23:40] Bill

[1:23:40] Cosby

[1:23:46] it's hard

[1:23:46] for me

[1:23:46] to think

[1:23:46] of a

[1:23:47] celebrity

[1:23:47] death

[1:23:47] where I'm

[1:23:48] just totally

[1:23:49] positive in

[1:23:50] favor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:51] I think

[1:23:52] there's a lot

[1:23:54] of young

[1:23:54] celebrities

[1:23:55] that would

[1:23:55] be,

[1:23:56] I guess,

[1:23:56] more tragic.

[1:23:57] Oh,

[1:23:57] certainly,

[1:23:57] if Dakota

[1:23:58] Fanning

[1:23:58] died,

[1:23:59] that would

[1:23:59] be very

[1:24:00] tragic.

[1:24:01] And I

[1:24:01] would be

[1:24:01] super sad,

[1:24:03] although not

[1:24:03] surprised if

[1:24:04] Weird Al

[1:24:04] passed away,

[1:24:05] because I

[1:24:05] know he's

[1:24:06] a super

[1:24:06] big drug

[1:24:07] addict.

[1:24:08] Wait,

[1:24:08] what?

[1:24:09] Right?

[1:24:09] Isn't

[1:24:09] he like a

[1:24:10] super big

[1:24:10] heroin head?

[1:24:11] I don't

[1:24:11] believe so.

[1:24:12] That's what

[1:24:12] they call

[1:24:12] him,

[1:24:13] right?

[1:24:13] Like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:14] when Jimmy

[1:24:18] Stewart died,

[1:24:19] I remember

[1:24:19] being very

[1:24:20] upset,

[1:24:20] but he was

[1:24:21] an old

[1:24:21] man.

[1:24:22] Certainly

[1:24:22] there's

[1:24:22] something

[1:24:23] more tragic

[1:24:23] to when

[1:24:24] a younger

[1:24:24] star

[1:24:24] passes.

[1:24:26] But it's

[1:24:27] still always

[1:24:27] sad when

[1:24:27] someone

[1:24:28] dies.

[1:24:28] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:24:28] when I was

[1:24:30] this,

[1:24:30] to play

[1:24:32] along with

[1:24:32] the very

[1:24:33] sick game

[1:24:33] for a

[1:24:34] moment.

[1:24:34] Okay,

[1:24:34] sure.

[1:24:35] When I was

[1:24:35] this,

[1:24:36] immediately I

[1:24:37] sprung to

[1:24:37] people who

[1:24:38] are important

[1:24:39] to me,

[1:24:40] like your

[1:24:41] David Burns

[1:24:42] or your

[1:24:42] Bill Murrays.

[1:24:44] But then

[1:24:45] I also,

[1:24:46] like,

[1:24:47] under the

[1:24:47] rubric that

[1:24:48] he put out

[1:24:49] of people

[1:24:50] who feel

[1:24:50] like they've

[1:24:51] got a lot

[1:24:51] of unfinished

[1:24:52] work to do

[1:24:53] in the world,

[1:24:53] and I would

[1:24:54] be upset

[1:24:54] because of

[1:24:55] that.

[1:24:56] I think

[1:24:56] that someone

[1:24:56] like the

[1:24:57] Coen

[1:24:57] brothers,

[1:24:58] if one of

[1:25:00] them passed

[1:25:00] on,

[1:25:02] and I'd be

[1:25:03] missing out

[1:25:03] on years

[1:25:04] of work

[1:25:05] that they

[1:25:05] could do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:06] The other

[1:25:06] thing I think

[1:25:07] about when

[1:25:08] this

[1:25:08] was mine

[1:25:08] is that

[1:25:09] I don't

[1:25:09] like seeing

[1:25:10] people die,

[1:25:11] but there

[1:25:11] are people

[1:25:12] that I want

[1:25:12] to outlive

[1:25:13] because they're

[1:25:14] older than me.

[1:25:14] Like,

[1:25:15] when Bill Murray

[1:25:15] dies or someone

[1:25:16] like that,

[1:25:17] it'll make me sad

[1:25:18] because it's like,

[1:25:18] oh,

[1:25:18] I love a lot

[1:25:19] of his work.

[1:25:20] But at the same

[1:25:20] time,

[1:25:20] he's much

[1:25:22] If I don't

[1:25:22] live to see

[1:25:23] Bill Murray

[1:25:23] die,

[1:25:24] I've died

[1:25:24] young.

[1:25:25] Like,

[1:25:25] a bus

[1:25:26] hit me,

[1:25:26] or maybe

[1:25:27] an asteroid

[1:25:28] fell out of

[1:25:28] the sky

[1:25:29] and smushed

[1:25:29] me.

[1:25:30] Like,

[1:25:30] I would,

[1:25:31] as much as I

[1:25:32] don't want to

[1:25:32] see these

[1:25:32] people die,

[1:25:33] like,

[1:25:33] I want to

[1:25:34] live to see

[1:25:34] them die,

[1:25:35] not out of

[1:25:35] vindictiveness,

[1:25:36] just because,

[1:25:36] like,

[1:25:37] I got a lot

[1:25:37] more living

[1:25:37] left to do,

[1:25:38] dude.

[1:25:38] You're a lot

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:39] You're able to

[1:25:40] really approach

[1:25:40] your emotions

[1:25:41] intellectually.

[1:25:42] I have to.

[1:25:43] You're a pretty

[1:25:43] cool white dude

[1:25:44] on the internet.

[1:25:45] Oh,

[1:25:45] come on.

[1:25:48] No,

[1:25:48] but I guess

[1:25:49] I'm with you.

[1:25:51] I mean,

[1:25:51] like,

[1:25:51] you can rationalize

[1:25:52] a lot of

[1:25:52] different things,

[1:25:53] and I think

[1:25:54] that,

[1:25:54] like,

[1:25:56] I think

[1:25:56] thinking about,

[1:25:57] like,

[1:25:58] missing a celebrity

[1:25:59] because of

[1:26:00] their effect

[1:26:01] on your life,

[1:26:02] i.e.,

[1:26:03] they're not able

[1:26:03] to make things

[1:26:04] you like,

[1:26:05] is kind of weird.

[1:26:06] No offense,

[1:26:06] Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:07] I don't know

[1:26:07] if it's like,

[1:26:08] I can,

[1:26:09] I mean,

[1:26:09] it makes sense.

[1:26:10] I'm just going

[1:26:10] off of what this,

[1:26:11] Dan's playing

[1:26:12] within the rules.

[1:26:13] I'm playing

[1:26:13] within the rules

[1:26:13] that were established.

[1:26:14] You and me

[1:26:15] have decided

[1:26:16] to not play

[1:26:17] by the rules.

[1:26:17] Dan's playing

[1:26:18] by the rules.

[1:26:19] We're going

[1:26:19] all Kobayashi Maru

[1:26:20] and we're questioning

[1:26:21] the basic situation.

[1:26:22] We rip the rules

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:23] manual apart

[1:26:23] and we say,

[1:26:24] we're using

[1:26:25] these pieces

[1:26:25] how we want.

[1:26:26] I'm going to

[1:26:27] pour alcohol

[1:26:28] in the thimble

[1:26:29] and drink it

[1:26:29] and then spend

[1:26:30] the monopoly money

[1:26:31] wherever I want.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:33] But it's like,

[1:26:34] there's also,

[1:26:35] Dan,

[1:26:35] you and I

[1:26:35] are in a weird case

[1:26:36] in that we have

[1:26:38] worked with a number

[1:26:38] of well-known people

[1:26:39] and so there are people

[1:26:40] that we have,

[1:26:41] like,

[1:26:41] personal relationships

[1:26:42] with and so

[1:26:44] it would be,

[1:26:46] it's like,

[1:26:46] does that person

[1:26:47] enter into it?

[1:26:47] Because these are

[1:26:48] people that I

[1:26:48] consider friends.

[1:26:49] I don't think of

[1:26:50] them as celebrities.

[1:26:50] I would say you would

[1:26:51] remove them.

[1:26:52] Okay.

[1:26:52] For this game,

[1:26:54] this most dangerous

[1:26:56] game,

[1:26:56] some might say,

[1:26:57] because you might

[1:26:57] hurt someone's

[1:26:58] feelings,

[1:26:58] it's only people

[1:27:00] who you admire

[1:27:01] from afar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:02] Yes.

[1:27:03] Yes.

[1:27:03] Okay.

[1:27:03] Yeah.

[1:27:04] I mean,

[1:27:04] for actors,

[1:27:05] it would be like,

[1:27:07] I don't know,

[1:27:08] like,

[1:27:09] like,

[1:27:10] you're like

[1:27:10] Ian McKellen's

[1:27:12] and stuff,

[1:27:12] like people that

[1:27:13] in addition to

[1:27:14] making work

[1:27:15] I admire,

[1:27:16] just in general,

[1:27:17] they seem to bring

[1:27:19] joy into the world.

[1:27:20] Uh-huh.

[1:27:20] And they're also

[1:27:21] in the age bracket

[1:27:23] that I guess

[1:27:25] they could pass away

[1:27:26] and I wouldn't be

[1:27:27] totally shocked.

[1:27:27] You wouldn't be

[1:27:27] shocked.

[1:27:27] Totally shocked.

[1:27:28] You'd be sad.

[1:27:28] That would just be sad.

[1:27:29] Yeah, yeah.

[1:27:31] That makes sense.

[1:27:31] Like Ian McKellen

[1:27:32] and Patrick Stewart,

[1:27:33] God,

[1:27:33] that would be horrible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:35] Yeah.

[1:27:35] But,

[1:27:35] at the same time,

[1:27:37] Stewart,

[1:27:37] I want you to live

[1:27:38] to see them die

[1:27:39] because they're much

[1:27:39] older than you.

[1:27:40] Thank you.

[1:27:41] I would much rather

[1:27:42] they pass before you

[1:27:43] than vice versa.

[1:27:44] The same way that,

[1:27:45] like,

[1:27:46] I know,

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:46] like,

[1:27:46] I mean,

[1:27:47] I think the idea is

[1:27:48] if they pass away

[1:27:48] this year,

[1:27:49] I think is part of the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:51] Yeah, yeah,

[1:27:51] but whatever,

[1:27:52] come on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:53] Yeah, I mean,

[1:27:53] I'm going to live

[1:27:53] through the year,

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:54] right?

[1:27:54] That's the,

[1:27:55] well,

[1:27:55] then I even more

[1:27:56] want them to die

[1:27:57] before you

[1:27:57] because it's like,

[1:27:58] that would be

[1:27:58] horrifically traumatizing

[1:28:01] to me

[1:28:01] if I was like,

[1:28:02] you died next year

[1:28:03] but Ian McKellen

[1:28:04] was still walking

[1:28:05] the earth,

[1:28:05] jogging around.

[1:28:06] He's bringing joy

[1:28:07] but it's like,

[1:28:08] come on, dude,

[1:28:09] that life belonged

[1:28:10] to Stewart.

[1:28:11] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:11] why do you have to

[1:28:12] hit Stewart

[1:28:13] with your car?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:15] How come

[1:28:16] when that one kidney

[1:28:17] was available,

[1:28:18] Ian McKellen,

[1:28:18] you just grabbed it

[1:28:19] right out the box?

[1:28:20] You didn't even

[1:28:21] let Stewart

[1:28:21] get a chance.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:23] All right,

[1:28:24] this has gotten

[1:28:25] even weirder

[1:28:25] than I anticipated

[1:28:26] so let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:27] Ian McKellen

[1:28:28] and Stewart

[1:28:28] grappling over

[1:28:30] the one last kidney

[1:28:31] for their transplant?

Dan McCoy

[1:28:32] True duel.

[1:28:34] This one is,

[1:28:36] I apologize,

[1:28:38] I lost the name

[1:28:39] of whoever wrote

[1:28:40] this in,

[1:28:41] so sorry.

[1:28:42] So I guess

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:42] let's just assume

[1:28:43] it's Ian McKellen.

[1:28:44] Ian McKellen.

[1:28:45] Ian,

[1:28:46] last name withheld.

[1:28:47] Dear Floppers,

[1:28:48] I love your show,

[1:28:49] please don't talk

[1:28:49] about me dying.

[1:28:51] Yeah.

[1:28:51] That kidney is mine.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:52] Yeah,

[1:28:53] the end.

[1:28:53] The doggone kidney

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:54] is mine.

[1:28:55] It changes that song

[1:28:56] a lot if they're

[1:28:57] arguing over

[1:28:57] the last transplant

[1:28:58] organ.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:00] This email

[1:29:01] goes like this.

[1:29:02] You guys mentioned

[1:29:03] Constantine

[1:29:04] in the Mother's Day

[1:29:05] app,

[1:29:05] and I was reminded

[1:29:06] of Peter Stormare's

[1:29:07] Wacky Lucifer

[1:29:08] in that movie.

[1:29:08] Yeah,

[1:29:09] it was great.

[1:29:09] I went on thinking

[1:29:10] and realized

[1:29:12] there's kind of

[1:29:13] a bunch of

[1:29:13] middle-aged

[1:29:14] famous actors

[1:29:14] who have played

[1:29:15] the devil

[1:29:15] in recent bad movies.

[1:29:17] I'm thinking

[1:29:17] Peter Fonda

[1:29:18] in Ghost Rider,

[1:29:19] Al Pacino

[1:29:19] in The Devil's Advocate,

[1:29:20] and Will Smith

[1:29:21] in Winter's Tale.

[1:29:22] Why is this?

[1:29:23] Is there an idea

[1:29:24] that playing

[1:29:25] literal Satan

[1:29:25] is a meaty role,

[1:29:26] or is it an excuse

[1:29:28] to put in a

[1:29:29] totally campy performance?

[1:29:31] Alternatively,

[1:29:31] which current

[1:29:32] leading men

[1:29:32] can you see

[1:29:33] playing the devil

[1:29:33] 10 to 20 years

[1:29:34] from now?

[1:29:35] My money is on

[1:29:36] a super weird,

[1:29:37] super middle-aged

[1:29:37] Ryan Gosling.

[1:29:39] Love the show.

[1:29:40] thanks for making

[1:29:40] me laugh

[1:29:40] awkwardly around

[1:29:41] strangers

[1:29:41] in my laundromat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:45] Laundromat?

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:46] Laundromat.

[1:29:47] Oh, okay.

[1:29:47] Yeah, that's the word.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:49] So,

[1:29:50] of the ones

[1:29:50] you mentioned before,

[1:29:52] like,

[1:29:52] the Peter Fonda

[1:29:54] performance

[1:29:55] and the Al Pacino

[1:29:56] are great.

[1:29:58] Will Smith,

[1:29:58] I think,

[1:29:58] is a good performance,

[1:29:59] but there's just,

[1:30:00] like,

[1:30:00] and I know,

[1:30:01] I think we praised

[1:30:01] it at the time,

[1:30:02] and I think it's

[1:30:02] an interesting choice,

[1:30:04] but I don't think

[1:30:05] Will Smith,

[1:30:05] though he has

[1:30:06] charisma in spades,

[1:30:09] does,

[1:30:09] is not,

[1:30:10] doesn't have the,

[1:30:11] like,

[1:30:11] darkness,

[1:30:12] kind of?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:13] He plays a devil

[1:30:13] who,

[1:30:14] it's hard to believe

[1:30:15] that devil being evil.

[1:30:17] If anything,

[1:30:18] he just seems like

[1:30:18] kind of an amoral wizard.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:20] I just realized

[1:30:21] that I said in spades,

[1:30:22] and that's totally

[1:30:23] fucking,

[1:30:23] god damn it.

[1:30:24] I was hoping

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:24] not to call attention

[1:30:25] to it,

[1:30:26] because it was a bad

[1:30:27] choice of words.

[1:30:27] No, call attention to it,

[1:30:27] it's a stupid choice of words.

[1:30:28] I didn't want to make you

[1:30:29] feel bad.

[1:30:29] No, I should feel bad.

[1:30:31] I'm a dummy.

[1:30:32] So,

[1:30:32] Stuart inadvertently

[1:30:33] used a racist word,

[1:30:35] but he didn't mean to.

[1:30:36] God damn it.

[1:30:37] So, Dan,

[1:30:38] you'll edit that out,

[1:30:39] right?

[1:30:41] Yeah.

[1:30:42] It's okay.

[1:30:42] You don't have to.

[1:30:43] Anyway.

[1:30:43] I'll fucking take my lumps.

[1:30:47] So,

[1:30:47] but Stuart meant well,

[1:30:48] everybody.

[1:30:49] Come on,

[1:30:49] he didn't know

[1:30:49] what he was doing.

[1:30:50] He's just a kid,

[1:30:51] look at him.

[1:30:52] Google gaga,

[1:30:53] you know?

[1:30:53] Yeah, yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:53] I'm blaster

[1:30:55] from Beyond Thugger.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:57] And I'm master,

[1:30:58] just riding around

[1:30:59] on his back,

[1:30:59] telling him what to do.

[1:31:01] Anyway,

[1:31:02] that was a master

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:03] that was a blaster impression

[1:31:04] that Stuart was doing.

[1:31:06] So,

[1:31:07] I was thinking about it

[1:31:08] and

[1:31:09] I didn't actually,

[1:31:11] I'm going to

[1:31:13] pull back the curtain

[1:31:14] for a second

[1:31:14] and say that Dan

[1:31:15] sent some of these

[1:31:16] questions to us

[1:31:17] ahead of time,

[1:31:18] but he didn't specify

[1:31:18] that we were talking

[1:31:19] about an act.

[1:31:21] For some reason,

[1:31:22] I got the impression

[1:31:23] from the letter

[1:31:23] that it was male,

[1:31:24] but from your question,

[1:31:26] I thought

[1:31:27] Aubrey Plaza

[1:31:28] would be a really great

[1:31:29] devil.

[1:31:29] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:30] it's kind of what she

[1:31:30] played in Legion.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:31] Yeah,

[1:31:32] spoiler alert,

[1:31:32] but she's great

[1:31:33] in that.

[1:31:34] Yeah,

[1:31:34] she's fantastic in it.

[1:31:35] And I think

[1:31:36] she's got both

[1:31:37] the kind of darkness

[1:31:38] and the charisma.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:40] I can see that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:40] And the uniqueness

[1:31:41] and talent.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:42] I think she would play

[1:31:43] very much the kind

[1:31:44] and what?

[1:31:47] Charisma,

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:47] uniqueness,

[1:31:48] nerve,

[1:31:48] and talent.

[1:31:49] Those are the four qualities

[1:31:50] that America's Next Drag

[1:31:52] Superstar needs to have.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:53] Oh, I see.

[1:31:54] I didn't realize that.

[1:31:56] I was thinking,

[1:31:57] so she would make

[1:31:58] a great devil

[1:31:59] and she'd make

[1:32:00] a great charismatic devil.

[1:32:01] Now,

[1:32:02] here's something,

[1:32:03] we see a lot of devils

[1:32:04] that are like

[1:32:05] super suave

[1:32:06] or super hammy

[1:32:07] or like

[1:32:08] cool or sarcastic

[1:32:10] or whatever.

[1:32:11] Here's what I'd like

[1:32:12] to see in about

[1:32:13] 20 years.

[1:32:14] Shia LaBeouf,

[1:32:15] I'd like to see him

[1:32:16] playing kind of like

[1:32:17] a drained,

[1:32:19] seen it all,

[1:32:22] exhausted devil.

[1:32:23] Like,

[1:32:24] not in a funny way,

[1:32:25] but in the way of like

[1:32:26] the devil does not take joy

[1:32:27] in the suffering of others,

[1:32:29] but it's the role

[1:32:30] he's got to play.

[1:32:31] And so,

[1:32:32] he's driving people

[1:32:33] to their doom,

[1:32:34] he's a bad guy,

[1:32:35] but he's not like,

[1:32:36] hee hee hee,

[1:32:37] oh,

[1:32:37] somebody stopped me,

[1:32:38] which I realize now

[1:32:39] is the mask,

[1:32:40] not the devil.

[1:32:41] But it's like,

[1:32:42] Same thing.

[1:32:43] Elliot,

[1:32:43] when you think of the devil,

[1:32:44] do you just think of the mask?

[1:32:46] I mean,

[1:32:46] if I met the mask,

[1:32:48] I'd be like,

[1:32:48] you're the devil,

[1:32:49] aren't you?

[1:32:49] Like,

[1:32:50] you seem like you have,

[1:32:51] You're wearing a goddamn

[1:32:52] zoot suit

[1:32:53] like a cherry bobbing Danny.

[1:32:55] Anyway,

[1:32:56] there's nothing more devilish

[1:32:58] than that,

[1:32:58] but the idea of like,

[1:32:59] there's a moment

[1:33:00] in,

[1:33:01] in the Megadeth song,

[1:33:05] Prince of Darkness,

[1:33:06] where he has this intro

[1:33:08] at the beginning

[1:33:08] where he's like,

[1:33:09] I'm more powerful

[1:33:10] than all the armies

[1:33:10] of the world,

[1:33:11] I'm so evil,

[1:33:11] da da da,

[1:33:11] and then he goes,

[1:33:12] ugh,

[1:33:14] and he sounds so tired

[1:33:15] in that moment,

[1:33:16] like the devil has to put up

[1:33:18] this huge front,

[1:33:19] he is the most evil person

[1:33:20] in the universe,

[1:33:22] but like,

[1:33:22] he is tired of it,

[1:33:23] he's been doing it

[1:33:24] for thousands of years,

[1:33:25] that's the Shia LaBeouf devil

[1:33:26] I want to see someday,

[1:33:27] is like,

[1:33:28] exhausted,

[1:33:29] still evil,

[1:33:30] he's still doing bad stuff,

[1:33:31] but there's no joy in it for him,

[1:33:32] he's just kind of like,

[1:33:34] always got stubble,

[1:33:35] and like,

[1:33:36] kind of gone to seed,

[1:33:37] and like,

[1:33:37] he's not an attractive figure,

[1:33:40] you know,

[1:33:41] evil as unattractive,

[1:33:42] you know,

[1:33:43] I know it's gonna be hard

[1:33:44] for Shia LaBeouf

[1:33:45] to play unattractive,

[1:33:46] because he's a hunk.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:47] I have two answers,

[1:33:49] one is a young person,

[1:33:51] and one is someone

[1:33:52] that I'm surprised

[1:33:53] hasn't played the devil already,

[1:33:55] you know?

[1:33:55] The Bill Zabub?

[1:33:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:57] Because that's certainly

[1:33:58] a devil name right there.

[1:34:00] I think that's a guy

[1:34:01] who directs like,

Dan McCoy

[1:34:02] low budget horror movies.

[1:34:03] I'm sure he does.

[1:34:05] I think it'd be funny

[1:34:06] to see James Franco

[1:34:07] as sort of a sleepy,

[1:34:08] sort of a stoned devil.

[1:34:10] Okay.

[1:34:11] Like a forgetful devil?

[1:34:12] A sly little devil.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:14] He hasn't done,

[1:34:14] he hasn't played

[1:34:15] the devil before?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:16] No.

[1:34:17] That's kind of weird.

[1:34:17] I think it'd be fun,

[1:34:18] and then...

[1:34:19] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:19] he kind of played the devil

[1:34:20] when he co-hosted

[1:34:21] the Oscars with Anne Hathaway.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:22] He did play the devil.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:24] When he just like,

[1:34:25] didn't give a shit

[1:34:25] and didn't do his job.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:29] So weird, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:30] If they'd announced

[1:34:31] at the beginning,

[1:34:32] hosted by

[1:34:32] Anne Hathaway

[1:34:34] and James Franco

[1:34:34] as the devil,

[1:34:35] I think people would be like,

[1:34:36] this makes sense.

[1:34:37] Okay, great.

[1:34:38] And he did all

[1:34:39] the exact same things.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:40] And then,

[1:34:41] the older actor

[1:34:42] that I'm surprised

[1:34:42] hasn't played the devil yet

[1:34:43] is Gary Oldman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:45] Oh, yeah.

[1:34:46] I could see that.

[1:34:47] I think he would be

[1:34:48] a good devil.

[1:34:48] He'd be a very good devil.

[1:34:49] He's played devilish characters before.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:51] Now I'm thinking

[1:34:52] of Viggo Mortensen.

[1:34:53] Yeah.

[1:34:55] I mean,

[1:34:55] Viggo Mortensen

[1:34:56] could do it too,

[1:34:57] I guess.

[1:34:57] I'm saying he hasn't

[1:34:58] played Viggo Mortensen

[1:34:59] either.

[1:35:00] He played Viggo Mortensen

[1:35:01] in that one movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:03] Gary Oldman plays

[1:35:04] Viggo Mortensen

[1:35:04] in the making

[1:35:05] of Eastern Promises.

[1:35:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:09] This letter's from

[1:35:10] Kenneth's last name

[1:35:11] withheld.

[1:35:12] Anger.

[1:35:13] Who writes

[1:35:13] the frequency.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:16] Guys,

[1:35:16] everyone asks me

[1:35:17] what the frequency is,

[1:35:18] but I don't know.

[1:35:18] Can you tell me?

Dan McCoy

[1:35:20] My question is simple.

[1:35:21] Someday I would like

[1:35:22] to be the life

[1:35:22] of at least one party.

[1:35:24] There are many other

[1:35:24] possibly more party-oriented

[1:35:26] podcasts I could express

[1:35:27] this motivation to,

[1:35:28] but as you three

[1:35:29] are my only imaginary friends

[1:35:31] and sometimes I talk back

[1:35:32] to the podcast

[1:35:32] and pretend that I'm part

[1:35:33] of the conversation,

[1:35:34] I thought I'd ask you

[1:35:35] the simple question.

[1:35:36] Like this episode,

[1:35:37] just keep yelling,

[1:35:38] be better,

[1:35:39] be a better podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:41] Or just keep going,

[1:35:42] oh, wow.

[1:35:43] The party, wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:46] What would make me fated

[1:35:47] to play the part of Bacchus

[1:35:48] in whatever party celebration

[1:35:49] festival or fet

[1:35:50] the norns have chosen

[1:35:53] in my favor?

[1:35:54] Is it good looks?

[1:35:55] Don't talk about the norns

[1:35:56] in front of people.

[1:35:57] Yeah, yeah.

[1:35:58] That's one way

[1:35:59] to not pluck

[1:36:00] your party strings.

[1:36:02] Is it good looks

[1:36:03] accentuated by a bow tie

[1:36:04] that spins

[1:36:05] when I pull a string?

[1:36:06] Is it an amusing trick

[1:36:07] played on my comrades

[1:36:08] using a plastic artifact

[1:36:10] which resembles

[1:36:11] a facial wound

[1:36:11] or possibly a chemical spill

[1:36:13] on the woodwork?

[1:36:14] What I need to wear

[1:36:14] is texepido

[1:36:15] for maximum effect?

[1:36:17] If, pre chance,

[1:36:18] this question stumps

[1:36:18] the panel of

[1:36:19] magnificent dude meat

[1:36:20] may have the flop house

[1:36:22] house cat

[1:36:22] might weigh in

[1:36:24] on this heart

[1:36:24] palpitating wist of mine.

[1:36:27] Flop Celsius

[1:36:27] or Kenneth last name

[1:36:28] withheld.

[1:36:29] Postscript,

[1:36:29] I would like to know

[1:36:30] what, if anything,

[1:36:31] lies under the carpet

[1:36:31] in the Radio Zork dungeon.

[1:36:33] It hasn't been yet examined.

[1:36:35] Wait, wait.

[1:36:36] Carpet?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:37] What the fuck is this?

[1:36:39] What the fuck is this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:40] Outside a house

[1:36:41] looking at a door, dude.

[1:36:42] You know,

[1:36:42] at the doormat?

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:43] I think he might be

[1:36:44] talking about

[1:36:45] the semi-canonical

[1:36:46] future sequence

[1:36:48] we were talking about.

[1:36:49] Oh, oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:50] I forgot about that.

[1:36:51] Get in the door, dude.

[1:36:52] Then we can talk about

[1:36:53] what's under the carpet.

[1:36:54] So, are we...

[1:36:55] And whether that carpet

[1:36:56] matches said Zork drapes.

[1:36:58] Ooh.

[1:36:59] We're helping him

[1:37:00] be the life of a party.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:02] Okay, so...

[1:37:03] Stuart, you're the life

[1:37:04] of lots of parties.

[1:37:05] I could tell a lot

[1:37:06] of jokes here, guys.

[1:37:07] You know, I'm full of them.

[1:37:08] I got a whole joke book

[1:37:10] full of jokes.

[1:37:10] A thousand one party jokes

[1:37:11] starring Stuart.

[1:37:14] don't be afraid

[1:37:16] to look like a moron.

[1:37:19] So, don't be afraid

[1:37:20] to look silly

[1:37:21] and make a point

[1:37:23] to ask people questions

[1:37:24] and practice active listening.

[1:37:27] I think those are like

[1:37:28] being able to do

[1:37:29] a little bit of small talk

[1:37:30] and be somewhat interesting

[1:37:31] and also not taking yourself

[1:37:34] too seriously,

[1:37:35] I think, are tricks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:36] And you make a good point

[1:37:37] and to be interested.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:37:39] Like, actually make other people

[1:37:41] feel of value

[1:37:42] is super important.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:44] Because they don't want

[1:37:45] to talk to you.

[1:37:46] I suggest a trick called

[1:37:47] WWD&D,

[1:37:49] which is,

[1:37:50] what would Dan not do?

[1:37:51] Sure.

[1:37:52] This is good advice.

[1:37:53] Yeah.

[1:37:54] Coming from a man

[1:37:55] who Elliot,

[1:37:56] he came to my birthday party

[1:37:58] and said,

[1:37:59] how is it that you're

[1:37:59] sitting alone

[1:38:00] at your own birthday party?

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:02] Well, because Dan,

[1:38:02] here's the thing.

[1:38:03] When you throw a birthday party,

[1:38:05] you gotta kind of mingle

[1:38:05] and say hi to everybody.

[1:38:06] They're your friends.

[1:38:07] Dan had a very big turnout

[1:38:08] for his birthday party.

[1:38:09] Yeah.

[1:38:10] And yet,

[1:38:11] like he's,

[1:38:12] you would think

[1:38:13] that he was like

[1:38:13] a dying old man

[1:38:15] and that he expected

[1:38:16] everyone to just come to him

[1:38:17] and bow at his feet

[1:38:18] and deliver him

[1:38:19] presents of gold

[1:38:20] and frankincense.

[1:38:21] Subplications.

[1:38:22] Like a fucking

[1:38:23] sultan of the east.

[1:38:24] Eventually,

[1:38:25] I got up from my

[1:38:26] ass.

[1:38:26] Yeah,

[1:38:27] no,

[1:38:27] it's true.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:27] Eventually,

[1:38:28] I got up from my seat

[1:38:29] and I mingled around.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:31] How did your friend

[1:38:32] Stefan

[1:38:32] giving you a,

[1:38:35] it was Stefan.

[1:38:36] Yeah.

[1:38:36] Stefan,

[1:38:37] our buddy

[1:38:38] who went to school

[1:38:38] with us

[1:38:39] gave you a,

[1:38:40] what a,

[1:38:41] a pinata

[1:38:42] of you.

[1:38:43] Well,

[1:38:44] the character

[1:38:44] he used to do.

[1:38:46] Yes.

[1:38:46] Yeah,

[1:38:46] it was,

[1:38:47] it was so,

[1:38:48] it was so different

[1:38:49] than actual Dan.

[1:38:51] But he gave you

[1:38:52] a pinata of you.

[1:38:53] How did that affect

[1:38:54] your approach

[1:38:55] toward the party?

Dan McCoy

[1:38:56] It made me creeped out

[1:38:58] and off put.

[1:39:01] Okay,

[1:39:01] so also,

[1:39:02] what would Stefan

[1:39:03] not do?

[1:39:04] Yeah,

[1:39:04] don't give the host

[1:39:05] of the party

[1:39:06] a pinata

[1:39:06] that looks sort of

[1:39:07] like them

[1:39:08] but also looks like

[1:39:08] kind of a ghost

[1:39:09] of them,

[1:39:10] like a,

[1:39:10] a featureless,

[1:39:12] uh,

[1:39:13] horrified,

[1:39:14] similar,

[1:39:16] malacra of them.

[1:39:17] So when you're

[1:39:18] breaking it open

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:18] to get the sweet

[1:39:19] candy inside,

[1:39:20] it's like you're

[1:39:21] fighting your own soul

[1:39:22] to get candy

[1:39:24] of all things.

[1:39:25] A scathing

[1:39:26] acting out

[1:39:28] of the creative

[1:39:29] fight I assume

[1:39:30] you have with yourself

[1:39:31] all the time

[1:39:32] about selling out

[1:39:32] and doing a big TV show

[1:39:34] instead of following

[1:39:34] your dream

[1:39:35] of writing movies

[1:39:36] where women wear

[1:39:36] bikinis and their

[1:39:37] tops come off.

[1:39:38] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:38] it's weird because

[1:39:39] instead of candy

[1:39:40] on the inside,

[1:39:41] it was filled

[1:39:41] with packets of

[1:39:42] mayonnaise and thumbtacks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:44] That sounds terrible.

[1:39:45] Yeah.

[1:39:46] Here's my advice.

[1:39:47] You want to know

[1:39:47] how to be the life

[1:39:48] of the party?

[1:39:49] Don't worry about

[1:39:50] being the life

[1:39:50] of the party.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:51] Oh.

[1:39:52] Just go to the party

[1:39:53] and have fun, dude.

[1:39:54] Yeah,

[1:39:54] put the blast shield

[1:39:55] down, dude.

[1:39:56] Like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:56] who cares if you're

[1:39:57] popular or people

[1:39:58] talking about you

[1:39:58] afterwards?

[1:39:59] If you're having

[1:40:00] a good time,

[1:40:00] if you're talking

[1:40:01] to people and

[1:40:01] interacting and

[1:40:02] just like enjoying

[1:40:02] yourself and

[1:40:04] helping to raise

[1:40:05] the level of fun

[1:40:05] just by being there

[1:40:06] and being fun,

[1:40:07] that's all you

[1:40:08] got to do at a party.

[1:40:09] Yeah,

[1:40:09] and then make sure

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:10] you leave by nine

[1:40:11] so you can get a nice

[1:40:12] meal and get a bunch

[1:40:13] of Zs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:14] By Zs you mean

[1:40:15] Zah,

[1:40:16] by which you mean

[1:40:16] pizza, right?

[1:40:17] Yeah,

[1:40:17] yeah,

[1:40:17] yeah.

[1:40:17] Because you're a

[1:40:18] ninja turtle.

[1:40:18] Yeah,

[1:40:19] get a bunch of Zs.

[1:40:21] It took me a long

[1:40:22] time to realize

[1:40:23] like,

[1:40:24] oh,

[1:40:25] if I'm going

[1:40:25] somewhere and I

[1:40:26] want to be

[1:40:26] comfortable and

[1:40:28] interact with people,

[1:40:29] then I should just

[1:40:30] like be myself and

[1:40:31] interact with people

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:31] and then I'll have

[1:40:32] a good time.

[1:40:33] Elliot also practices

[1:40:34] the leave and want

[1:40:35] more strategy where

[1:40:36] he leaves early

[1:40:37] every time.

[1:40:38] Stuart does the

[1:40:39] stays there until

[1:40:40] the last drop

[1:40:41] strategy.

[1:40:42] Yeah.

[1:40:42] He's like,

[1:40:43] wait,

[1:40:43] you guys are done?

[1:40:44] What's going on?

[1:40:45] Let's keep drinking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:46] I mean,

[1:40:46] the thing is I leave

[1:40:47] early,

[1:40:47] but it takes me about

[1:40:48] an hour to say

[1:40:49] goodbye to everybody.

[1:40:50] So I have to start

[1:40:50] my goodbyes even

[1:40:51] earlier than when I

[1:40:52] actually.

[1:40:53] Oh,

[1:40:53] weird.

[1:40:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:53] For some reason,

[1:40:54] it takes you a long

[1:40:55] time to say something.

[1:40:58] Cut me to the

[1:40:59] quick.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:02] I'm,

[1:41:03] you know,

[1:41:03] it might surprise

[1:41:04] listeners to learn

[1:41:05] that I'm also a

[1:41:06] stay there till the

[1:41:06] last moment party

[1:41:08] goer myself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:09] So maybe you

[1:41:10] mean stay in the

[1:41:11] one seat and not

[1:41:12] move.

[1:41:12] Yeah.

[1:41:12] Until the last

Dan McCoy

[1:41:13] person goes.

[1:41:13] Sure.

[1:41:15] One last letter

[1:41:16] quickly.

[1:41:17] I've been listening

[1:41:17] to a lot of back

[1:41:18] episodes.

[1:41:19] This is from Kate.

[1:41:19] Last name

[1:41:20] withheld.

[1:41:20] Hey,

Dan McCoy

[1:41:20] Kate.

[1:41:21] I've been listening

[1:41:21] to a lot of

[1:41:22] back episodes of

[1:41:22] the Flophouse

[1:41:23] lately,

[1:41:23] so it's no

[1:41:24] surprise that I

[1:41:24] finally had a

[1:41:25] strange and

[1:41:26] slightly sexual

[1:41:27] maybe Flophouse

[1:41:28] dream.

[1:41:29] Here it is.

[1:41:30] I was sunbathing

[1:41:31] at Alki Beach

[1:41:31] in West Seattle

[1:41:33] and Dan McCoy

[1:41:34] walked up to me

[1:41:34] and asked if he

[1:41:35] could lay down

[1:41:36] and use my

[1:41:36] butt as a

[1:41:36] pillow while he

[1:41:37] worked on his

[1:41:37] tan.

[1:41:38] I let him

[1:41:39] use my butt

[1:41:39] as a pillow.

[1:41:41] That was the

[1:41:41] whole dream.

[1:41:42] Anyways,

[1:41:43] love your podcast.

[1:41:44] Keep on

[1:41:44] flopping,

[1:41:45] Kate.

[1:41:46] Dan's

[1:41:47] Casper's

[1:41:47] getting a

[1:41:47] workout tonight,

[1:41:48] boy.

[1:41:49] Elliot had

[1:41:52] this look on

[1:41:52] his face like,

[1:41:54] why did we go

[1:41:55] to this letter?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:56] No,

[1:41:56] no,

[1:41:56] I understand

[1:41:57] why we went

[1:41:57] to the letter.

[1:41:58] Yeah,

[1:41:58] but that was

[1:41:59] not in any

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:00] way a mystery.

[1:42:02] It's like the

[1:42:03] end of a season

[1:42:04] of Fargo where

[1:42:04] you're like,

[1:42:05] this resolution

[1:42:06] isn't a huge

[1:42:07] surprise,

[1:42:08] so I'm not

[1:42:09] shocked,

[1:42:10] but I'm just

[1:42:10] disappointed we

[1:42:11] got here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:14] No,

[1:42:15] but that

[1:42:15] sounds actually

[1:42:16] like a very

[1:42:16] nice dream.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:17] It seems like

[1:42:18] I liked it

[1:42:19] because it was

[1:42:19] sort of a

[1:42:19] sweet dream.

[1:42:20] Yeah,

[1:42:21] sweet,

[1:42:21] erotic dream.

[1:42:22] Something very

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:22] nice about it.

[1:42:24] There's a

[1:42:24] kindness to

[1:42:25] the eroticism

[1:42:26] that brings

[1:42:27] to mind

[1:42:28] late night

[1:42:29] showtime

[1:42:30] movie viewings.

[1:42:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:33] But like the

[1:42:34] ones that are

[1:42:35] like comedies,

[1:42:36] not the ones

[1:42:36] that are like

[1:42:37] thrillers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:37] Yeah,

[1:42:38] like when the

[1:42:38] guy gets

[1:42:39] shrunken down

[1:42:40] and he's in

[1:42:40] the lady's

[1:42:41] underpants.

[1:42:42] What?

[1:42:42] You never

Dan McCoy

[1:42:43] watched that

[1:42:43] movie?

[1:42:44] No,

[1:42:44] I know what

[1:42:45] movie you're

[1:42:45] talking about.

[1:42:47] It was a

[1:42:48] USA Apple

[1:42:49] night mainstay.

[1:42:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:51] There was a

[1:42:52] scene where

[1:42:52] he's like

[1:42:52] climbing around

[1:42:53] on her pubic

[1:42:54] hair and

[1:42:54] it's like,

[1:42:55] honey,

[1:42:55] I shrunk

[1:42:55] the kids,

[1:42:56] but with

[1:42:56] like,

[1:42:57] I don't

[1:42:57] know.

[1:42:58] I don't

[1:42:58] remember that

[1:42:59] one.

[1:42:59] It was

[1:42:59] super

[1:43:00] unerotic

[1:43:00] or was

[1:43:01] it super

[1:43:02] erotic?

[1:43:02] Do you

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:02] guys remember

[1:43:03] one,

[1:43:03] it was a

[1:43:03] USA Apple

[1:43:04] night movie

[1:43:04] about a

[1:43:05] guy and

[1:43:07] a girl

[1:43:07] become college

[1:43:08] roommates for

[1:43:09] some reason

[1:43:09] and they start

[1:43:10] to be,

[1:43:11] they're like

[1:43:11] competing as

[1:43:12] pimps,

[1:43:14] where they're

[1:43:14] both running

[1:43:15] different prostitution

[1:43:16] rings featuring

[1:43:17] college students

[1:43:17] having sex with

[1:43:18] other college

[1:43:18] students and

[1:43:19] at the end

[1:43:20] they merge

[1:43:21] their businesses

[1:43:22] and sleep

[1:43:23] together and

[1:43:23] I guess

[1:43:23] they're in a

[1:43:23] relationship now

[1:43:24] and I was

[1:43:25] this the other

[1:43:25] day about

[1:43:26] what a weird

[1:43:26] storyline that

[1:43:27] is.

[1:43:29] I was trying

[1:43:30] to remember

[1:43:30] the name of

[1:43:30] the movie

[1:43:31] and I

[1:43:31] couldn't.

[1:43:33] But if I

[1:43:33] had a dime

[1:43:34] for every

[1:43:34] USA Apple

[1:43:35] night movie

[1:43:35] I couldn't

[1:43:35] remember the

[1:43:36] name of

[1:43:36] I'd have

[1:43:37] plenty of

[1:43:38] dimes.

[1:43:38] Probably at

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:39] least a

[1:43:40] dollar's

[1:43:40] worth of

[1:43:40] dimes.

[1:43:41] You better

[1:43:41] believe,

[1:43:42] yeah,

[1:43:42] sure.

[1:43:42] Okay,

[1:43:43] so what's

[1:43:44] the next

[1:43:44] part of

[1:43:44] this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:45] The next

[1:43:45] and last

[1:43:46] part of

[1:43:46] this podcast

[1:43:47] is where

[1:43:47] we recommend

[1:43:48] movies,

[1:43:48] movies that

[1:43:48] you should

[1:43:49] watch instead

[1:43:49] of watching

[1:43:50] the movie

[1:43:51] that we

[1:43:51] watched

[1:43:52] tonight,

[1:43:53] which was

[1:43:53] called

[1:43:53] Naptown.

[1:43:58] Andy Naptown.

[1:44:01] Man of Courage.

[1:44:01] Yeah,

[1:44:01] thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:03] Elliot,

[1:44:04] you look like

[1:44:04] you got

[1:44:04] something right

[1:44:05] on the tip

[1:44:05] of that

[1:44:05] little tongue.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:06] I got a,

[1:44:07] my tongue

[1:44:07] is very small

[1:44:08] and yes,

[1:44:08] I have,

[1:44:09] so I can

[1:44:09] go first

[1:44:10] if you want.

[1:44:10] I saw a

[1:44:11] movie recently

[1:44:11] that I

[1:44:12] really liked

[1:44:12] a lot.

[1:44:13] It was

[1:44:14] at times

[1:44:15] bracing,

[1:44:16] but really

[1:44:19] well made

[1:44:20] and that was

[1:44:21] a documentary

[1:44:22] movie called

[1:44:22] I Am Not

[1:44:23] Your Negro

[1:44:23] directed by

[1:44:24] Raul Peck

[1:44:25] and it's

[1:44:26] basically,

[1:44:27] it's not

[1:44:29] exactly about

[1:44:30] James Baldwin

[1:44:31] but it is

[1:44:31] taking some

[1:44:32] unfinished

[1:44:33] work of

[1:44:34] James Baldwin's

[1:44:35] about,

[1:44:36] the focus

[1:44:37] is specifically

[1:44:38] about the

[1:44:38] death of

[1:44:39] Medgar Evers,

[1:44:40] Malcolm X

[1:44:40] and Martin

[1:44:41] Luther King

[1:44:41] but also

[1:44:42] through the

[1:44:43] way Raul Peck

[1:44:44] juxtaposes that

[1:44:45] with other

[1:44:46] things relating

[1:44:47] the civil rights

[1:44:48] struggle of the

[1:44:49] 60s with

[1:44:50] the earlier

[1:44:51] plight of

[1:44:52] African Americans

[1:44:52] and then

[1:44:53] what's going on

[1:44:54] with black

[1:44:54] people today

[1:44:55] and black

[1:44:55] lives matters

[1:44:56] and creating

[1:44:57] a continuum

[1:44:57] between those

[1:44:58] things

[1:44:58] to show

[1:44:59] that those

[1:44:59] problems

[1:45:00] are

[1:45:01] underlying

[1:45:02] problems

[1:45:03] and continual

[1:45:03] problems

[1:45:03] that can't

[1:45:04] go away

[1:45:05] easily

[1:45:05] and have

[1:45:05] not been

[1:45:05] dealt

[1:45:06] with

[1:45:06] and it

[1:45:06] uses a lot

[1:45:07] of footage

[1:45:07] of James Baldwin

[1:45:10] just speaking

[1:45:12] and James Baldwin

[1:45:13] is one of the

[1:45:14] most articulate

[1:45:15] people who ever

[1:45:15] existed

[1:45:16] basically

[1:45:16] and he's

[1:45:17] such a magnetic

[1:45:18] and like

[1:45:20] deep thinking

[1:45:21] speaker

[1:45:21] that I'm like

[1:45:23] his writing

[1:45:23] I'm always

[1:45:24] incredibly inspired

[1:45:25] by and

[1:45:26] and it's

[1:45:27] and confronted

[1:45:28] by like in

[1:45:29] ways that are

[1:45:30] don't always

[1:45:30] make me comfortable

[1:45:31] but are not

[1:45:31] supposed to make

[1:45:32] me comfortable

[1:45:32] and seeing him

[1:45:33] speak is such

[1:45:34] an electrifying

[1:45:35] experience

[1:45:35] and the parts

[1:45:37] of the work

[1:45:37] that are

[1:45:38] from his

[1:45:39] writing are

[1:45:40] read by

[1:45:40] Samuel L. Jackson

[1:45:41] and it was

[1:45:42] a long time

[1:45:43] into the movie

[1:45:43] before I realized

[1:45:44] it was Samuel L. Jackson

[1:45:45] it's like

[1:45:45] maybe

[1:45:46] this narration

[1:45:47] is like

[1:45:48] one of the best

[1:45:48] performances

[1:45:49] by Samuel L. Jackson

[1:45:49] I've seen

[1:45:50] in a long time

[1:45:50] where it feels

[1:45:51] like he is

[1:45:52] becoming this

[1:45:52] character

[1:45:53] rather than

[1:45:54] lying in his

[1:45:54] regular Samuel L. Jackson

[1:45:55] part

[1:45:56] and I thought

[1:45:56] it was really good

[1:45:57] and made me

[1:45:59] it was one of those

[1:45:59] things where it's like

[1:46:00] it didn't

[1:46:01] it's not exactly

[1:46:02] like it made me

[1:46:03] question my beliefs

[1:46:04] but it made me

[1:46:05] reassert some beliefs

[1:46:07] and confront them

[1:46:08] and ask myself

[1:46:09] questions about

[1:46:10] how I'm living

[1:46:11] them

[1:46:11] basically

[1:46:12] those beliefs

[1:46:12] and I thought

Dan McCoy

[1:46:13] it was really

[1:46:13] effective

[1:46:14] and good

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:14] that's called

[1:46:15] I Am Not Your Negro

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:16] yeah

[1:46:17] I've heard

[1:46:19] all the good things

[1:46:19] I'm really bad

[1:46:21] about getting around

[1:46:22] to watching documentaries

[1:46:23] in general

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:24] no and this is also

[1:46:24] like it's not

[1:46:25] like a fun movie

[1:46:27] to watch

[1:46:27] in any sense

[1:46:28] of the word

[1:46:28] like it's

[1:46:29] it's a movie

[1:46:30] it's not

[1:46:30] what a movie

[1:46:30] you're not like

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:31] this is a toss up

[1:46:32] should I watch

[1:46:32] Lego Batman

[1:46:34] it's not like

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:36] oh that was a hard

[1:46:36] day at work

[1:46:37] I guess I'll kick

[1:46:37] back and watch

[1:46:39] and kind of be

[1:46:41] forced to confront

[1:46:42] the sins

[1:46:42] that I am complicit

[1:46:43] in

[1:46:44] in the nation

[1:46:44] yeah

[1:46:45] I will say

[1:46:46] that at one point

[1:46:47] in order to make

[1:46:48] the point

[1:46:48] there's some

[1:46:49] movie clips

[1:46:49] it uses

[1:46:50] it also

[1:46:51] it talks about

[1:46:51] a little bit

[1:46:52] of a portrayal

[1:46:53] of non-white

[1:46:53] people in movies

[1:46:54] in a way that

[1:46:55] James Baldwin

[1:46:55] wrote about

[1:46:56] in his work

[1:46:57] and

[1:46:57] there's a part

[1:46:59] where

[1:46:59] to kind of

[1:47:00] show

[1:47:00] the obliviousness

[1:47:01] of white America

[1:47:02] that was built

[1:47:02] on the oppression

[1:47:03] of black America

[1:47:04] it shows a clip

[1:47:06] from the pajama game

[1:47:07] and there was a moment

[1:47:07] where I was like

[1:47:08] well if you're gonna

[1:47:09] hold up musicals

[1:47:10] to this level

[1:47:12] then wait a minute

[1:47:12] but it's not

[1:47:14] it's not a movie

[1:47:15] that you can just

[1:47:15] sit back for relaxation

[1:47:17] but it was really good

[1:47:17] yeah

Dan McCoy

[1:47:18] speaking of documentaries

[1:47:20] I wanted to recommend

[1:47:22] maybe my favorite

[1:47:23] documentary

[1:47:24] which is a movie

[1:47:25] called Crumb

[1:47:26] which is about

[1:47:27] Robert Crumb

[1:47:28] now Robert Crumb

[1:47:29] is

[1:47:29] let's call him

[1:47:31] a problematic figure

[1:47:33] he

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:34] having just recommended

[1:47:36] certainly

[1:47:37] Crumb's

[1:47:38] treatment of black people

[1:47:39] is

[1:47:40] yeah

Dan McCoy

[1:47:44] whether he is

[1:47:45] racist himself

[1:47:46] he certainly

[1:47:46] treats

[1:47:47] a lot of

[1:47:48] racist imagery

[1:47:49] in his

[1:47:50] work

[1:47:51] he

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:53] comes from this

[1:47:54] like Crumb

[1:47:55] as an artist

[1:47:56] is an amazing artist

[1:47:57] but his subject matter

[1:47:58] a lot of it

[1:47:59] I feel like

[1:47:59] comes from that

[1:48:00] 60s

[1:48:01] National Lampoon

[1:48:02] type era feeling

[1:48:04] where it was

[1:48:04] I guess National Lampoon

[1:48:05] was a little later

[1:48:06] where it was like

[1:48:06] white guys

[1:48:08] fighting against

[1:48:09] authority

[1:48:10] would still

[1:48:11] do shitty things

[1:48:13] and talk shitty things

[1:48:14] about black people

[1:48:15] and women

[1:48:15] definitely

[1:48:15] where it was like

[1:48:16] it's time for us

[1:48:17] to rise up

[1:48:17] and fight

[1:48:18] and fight the power

[1:48:19] but you guys

[1:48:19] are still

[1:48:20] below me

[1:48:21] and he has

[1:48:22] there's a lot of that

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:24] I kind of feel like

[1:48:25] Johnny Ryan

[1:48:26] is kind of like

[1:48:27] a modern

[1:48:27] equivalent of that

[1:48:29] too

[1:48:29] he's still

[1:48:30] like

[1:48:31] it's almost like

[1:48:33] the

[1:48:33] I'm going to be

[1:48:34] as offensive as possible

[1:48:35] targeting everybody

[1:48:37] all the time

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:38] but I feel like

[1:48:38] with Johnny Ryan

[1:48:39] there's like

[1:48:40] a consciousness

[1:48:40] about doing that

[1:48:41] whereas with

[1:48:43] I feel like

[1:48:43] there was a little bit

[1:48:44] of like

[1:48:44] these are the kind

[1:48:45] of cartoon images

[1:48:47] of black people

[1:48:47] I grew up with

[1:48:48] so I'm going to

[1:48:48] play with that

[1:48:49] iconography

[1:48:49] and also

Dan McCoy

[1:48:52] the way he treats

[1:48:52] women is nuts

[1:48:53] I was going to

[1:48:55] get around to that

[1:48:56] too

[1:48:56] he's got

[1:48:57] racist imagery

[1:48:58] his treatment

[1:49:00] of women

[1:49:00] is terrible

[1:49:02] let's say

[1:49:04] but

[1:49:05] his draftsmanship

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:08] but his crosshatching

Dan McCoy

[1:49:09] no I'm not going

[1:49:10] to defend

[1:49:11] as a person

[1:49:12] I don't think

[1:49:12] that the

[1:49:13] documentary

[1:49:13] does

[1:49:14] necessarily

[1:49:15] itself

[1:49:16] he's an interesting

[1:49:17] person

[1:49:18] he's an interesting

[1:49:18] character

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:19] and it presents

[1:49:20] his two brothers

[1:49:20] it's weird

[1:49:21] when you watch

[1:49:21] a movie about

[1:49:22] and you're like

[1:49:23] oh Robert Crumb

[1:49:23] was the normal

[1:49:24] one

[1:49:24] that he has

[1:49:26] these crazier

[1:49:27] brothers

Dan McCoy

[1:49:27] well that's the thing

[1:49:28] like you see

[1:49:29] how art

[1:49:30] has rescued

[1:49:32] in a certain way

[1:49:32] where he can

[1:49:34] vomit out

[1:49:34] kind of all

[1:49:35] these unpleasant

[1:49:37] sides of his

[1:49:37] personality

[1:49:38] onto the page

[1:49:39] whereas his

[1:49:40] brothers

[1:49:41] were not

[1:49:42] saved by that

[1:49:43] in the same way

[1:49:44] they don't have

[1:49:44] an outlet

[1:49:45] I mean

[1:49:45] both of them

[1:49:46] are like

[1:49:47] artists to some

[1:49:48] degree or another

[1:49:48] but like

[1:49:49] not in the same

[1:49:49] way that Robert

[1:49:50] Crumb is

[1:49:50] not in a kind

[1:49:51] of recognized

[1:49:52] acclaim

[1:49:52] yeah

[1:49:53] and

[1:49:54] they are

[1:49:55] both

[1:49:56] you know

[1:49:57] to not

[1:49:58] to put it

[1:49:59] too fine

[1:49:59] upon

[1:49:59] on it

[1:50:00] mentally

[1:50:00] ill people

[1:50:01] who have

[1:50:04] their own

[1:50:04] troubles

[1:50:04] and struggles

[1:50:05] to deal

[1:50:05] with

[1:50:06] and

[1:50:07] you see

[1:50:07] how

[1:50:09] has somehow

[1:50:10] risen out

[1:50:13] of this

[1:50:14] family

[1:50:14] where

[1:50:15] there

[1:50:15] have been

[1:50:16] these problems

[1:50:17] and

[1:50:18] it's funny

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:20] when you say

[1:50:21] I'm used to

[1:50:21] thinking of him

[1:50:22] as R Crumb

[1:50:22] so when you say

[1:50:24] I keep thinking

[1:50:24] you're about to say

[1:50:24] Robert Krolwich

[1:50:25] from Radiolab

[1:50:26] very different person

[1:50:29] always playing around

[1:50:31] with racist

Dan McCoy

[1:50:31] and sexist

[1:50:32] iconography

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:33] he does all those

[1:50:34] Radiolab episodes

[1:50:35] about women

[1:50:35] with very thick

[1:50:36] thighs

[1:50:37] yeah

[1:50:37] that are either

[1:50:39] attacking him

[1:50:40] or just

[1:50:40] mindless sex objects

Dan McCoy

[1:50:41] it's just a

[1:50:42] fascinating

[1:50:43] character study

[1:50:44] and there's also

[1:50:44] if you like

[1:50:47] you know

[1:50:48] like a camera

[1:50:49] if you like

[1:50:50] a camera

[1:50:50] panning over

[1:50:51] beautiful

[1:50:52] line drawings

[1:50:53] while jazz music

[1:50:54] plays

[1:50:54] that also

[1:50:55] happens in

[1:50:56] Crumb a lot

[1:50:57] so

[1:50:58] it's a movie

[1:51:00] that's

[1:51:00] again

[1:51:01] challenging

[1:51:02] but I think

[1:51:03] it's a very

[1:51:04] good documentary

[1:51:05] Stuart

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:06] and I'm going

[1:51:07] to recommend

[1:51:07] a new movie

[1:51:08] I think

[1:51:10] by the time

[1:51:10] this episode

[1:51:11] comes out

[1:51:11] it'll have been

[1:51:12] out for a little

[1:51:12] bit

[1:51:13] I'm recommending

[1:51:14] the new

[1:51:14] Edgar Wright

[1:51:15] movie

[1:51:15] Baby Driver

[1:51:16] Dan

[1:51:18] saw it

[1:51:19] last night

[1:51:19] is what

[1:51:20] we both

[1:51:20] saw last night

[1:51:21] but at

[1:51:21] different

[1:51:21] screenings

[1:51:22] yeah

[1:51:22] I had to

[1:51:23] go to a

[1:51:24] screening

[1:51:24] where

[1:51:26] did a

[1:51:26] Q&A

[1:51:26] afterwards

[1:51:27] you poor

[1:51:28] baby

[1:51:29] fulfilling

[1:51:29] a dream

[1:51:30] of seeing

[1:51:30] one of my

[1:51:31] favorite

[1:51:31] filmmakers

[1:51:32] make a

[1:51:32] do a

[1:51:33] Q&A

[1:51:33] so

[1:51:35] I don't

[1:51:36] I mean

[1:51:37] I don't

[1:51:37] think I need

[1:51:37] to say

[1:51:38] that much

[1:51:38] more

[1:51:38] about

[1:51:39] the

[1:51:40] background

[1:51:40] of the

[1:51:41] movie

[1:51:41] it's

[1:51:42] a

[1:51:42] heist

[1:51:43] movie

[1:51:43] and

[1:51:43] it's

[1:51:44] a

[1:51:44] car

[1:51:44] chase

[1:51:44] movie

[1:51:45] and

[1:51:45] it's

[1:51:45] a

[1:51:45] movie

[1:51:45] that's

[1:51:47] also

[1:51:48] kind of

[1:51:49] scene for

[1:51:49] scene

[1:51:50] set to

[1:51:51] music

[1:51:53] so that

[1:51:54] the

[1:51:54] even though

[1:51:56] it isn't

[1:51:57] like technically

[1:51:57] a musical

[1:51:58] in some

[1:51:58] ways it

[1:51:59] reminds me

[1:51:59] of like a

[1:52:00] jukebox

[1:52:00] musical

[1:52:01] every scene

[1:52:02] has its own

[1:52:02] kind of

[1:52:03] rhythm

[1:52:03] that fits

[1:52:04] to the

[1:52:04] song

[1:52:05] that's

[1:52:05] been

[1:52:05] chosen

[1:52:06] the

[1:52:08] cast

[1:52:09] is

[1:52:10] really

[1:52:10] great

[1:52:10] my

[1:52:12] little

[1:52:12] buddy

[1:52:12] Ansel

[1:52:13] Elgort

[1:52:13] delivers

[1:52:14] a really

[1:52:15] great

[1:52:15] and

[1:52:16] holds

[1:52:17] his own

[1:52:18] sharing

[1:52:19] scenes

[1:52:19] with like

[1:52:20] Kevin Spacey

[1:52:21] and Jamie

[1:52:22] Fox

[1:52:23] and John

[1:52:23] Hamm

[1:52:24] some of

[1:52:24] the

[1:52:25] like most

[1:52:26] charismatic

[1:52:26] actors

[1:52:27] currently

[1:52:28] working

[1:52:28] like

[1:52:29] fucking

[1:52:29] movie

[1:52:30] stars

[1:52:30] and

[1:52:32] I feel

[1:52:34] like

[1:52:34] everybody

[1:52:35] involved

[1:52:35] is able

[1:52:36] to

[1:52:36] deliver

[1:52:37] these

[1:52:37] really

[1:52:37] great

[1:52:38] kind

[1:52:38] of

[1:52:39] I don't

[1:52:39] want to

[1:52:39] say

[1:52:39] muted

[1:52:40] but kind

[1:52:40] of

[1:52:40] subtle

[1:52:41] performances

[1:52:41] that hint

[1:52:43] at depth

[1:52:43] and don't

[1:52:45] overshadow

[1:52:46] a movie

[1:52:47] that's already

[1:52:47] kind of

[1:52:48] big

[1:52:48] and in

[1:52:49] your face

[1:52:50] and kind

[1:52:51] of crazy

[1:52:51] now

[1:52:53] Edgar Wright's

[1:52:54] a filmmaker

[1:52:54] that I

[1:52:56] some of his

[1:52:57] past work

[1:52:57] I've had

[1:52:58] really strong

[1:52:59] connections

[1:52:59] with

[1:52:59] I found

[1:53:01] spaced

[1:53:01] when I

[1:53:02] was in

[1:53:03] my early

[1:53:03] 20s

[1:53:04] and it

[1:53:04] really

[1:53:05] connected

[1:53:06] with me

[1:53:06] and then

[1:53:08] in my

[1:53:08] 30s

[1:53:09] you know

[1:53:10] World's End

[1:53:11] came out

[1:53:11] and I

[1:53:12] saw

[1:53:12] I don't

[1:53:14] know a lot

[1:53:14] of connections

[1:53:14] between some

[1:53:15] of the

[1:53:15] relationships

[1:53:16] I had

[1:53:17] with both

[1:53:17] people

[1:53:18] and

[1:53:18] you know

[1:53:20] being like

[1:53:21] the difference

[1:53:21] between

[1:53:22] you know

[1:53:23] growing up

[1:53:23] and being a

[1:53:24] man

[1:53:25] and my

[1:53:25] relationship

[1:53:25] with society

[1:53:26] and

[1:53:28] so

[1:53:29] a new

[1:53:32] movie

[1:53:32] is

[1:53:33] kind of

[1:53:34] complicated

[1:53:34] for me

[1:53:35] like

[1:53:35] I

[1:53:35] basically

[1:53:36] going into

[1:53:37] it

[1:53:37] I assumed

[1:53:37] I was

[1:53:38] going to

[1:53:38] like it

[1:53:38] and I

[1:53:39] I think

[1:53:40] is great

[1:53:40] and I

[1:53:41] like it

[1:53:41] a lot

[1:53:41] but

[1:53:43] it isn't

[1:53:44] it isn't

[1:53:45] at the

[1:53:45] same place

[1:53:46] doesn't create

Dan McCoy

[1:53:47] that connection

[1:53:47] for you

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:48] which is

[1:53:49] not necessarily

[1:53:50] a critique

[1:53:51] it's just

[1:53:53] it isn't

[1:53:53] I'm not

[1:53:54] at the

[1:53:54] exact same

[1:53:55] place

[1:53:55] in my

[1:53:55] life

[1:53:55] I think

[1:53:56] there's a lot

[1:53:57] of things

[1:53:57] that are

[1:53:57] amazing

[1:53:58] about it

[1:53:58] it's great

[1:53:59] you should

[1:54:00] go see

[1:54:00] it

[1:54:01] it

[1:54:04] has never

[1:54:05] been good

[1:54:06] at

[1:54:07] at

[1:54:08] giving

[1:54:09] female

[1:54:10] characters

[1:54:10] any kind

[1:54:12] of drive

[1:54:13] or

[1:54:13] purpose

[1:54:14] really

[1:54:15] in his

[1:54:15] movies

[1:54:15] if there's

[1:54:16] a movie

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:16] where they

[1:54:16] should have

[1:54:17] drive

[1:54:17] it's

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:18] but the

[1:54:19] it's

[1:54:19] funny

[1:54:20] it's

[1:54:22] our

[1:54:23] mini driver

[1:54:24] and a baby

[1:54:24] and Bebe

[1:54:25] Newerth

[1:54:25] it's so funny

[1:54:26] that like

[1:54:27] I mean

[1:54:28] in a way

[1:54:28] you gotta start

[1:54:29] with Spaced

[1:54:29] which is a show

[1:54:30] where like

[1:54:30] Jessica Stevenson

[1:54:31] is great

[1:54:32] and she gets

[1:54:32] almost equal

[1:54:33] billing

[1:54:33] she basically

[1:54:34] has equal

[1:54:34] billing

[1:54:35] to Simon Pegg

[1:54:35] like she

[1:54:36] gets to be

[1:54:36] silly

[1:54:37] but she co-wrote

[1:54:37] it

[1:54:37] yeah

[1:54:38] well

[1:54:38] but that's

[1:54:40] the sort

[1:54:40] of thing

[1:54:41] where you're

[1:54:41] like

[1:54:41] it would

[1:54:44] be nice

[1:54:45] to see

[1:54:46] that kind

[1:54:46] of voice

[1:54:47] in his

[1:54:47] work

[1:54:47] again

[1:54:48] yeah

[1:54:48] but that

[1:54:50] said

[1:54:51] though this

[1:54:51] doesn't

[1:54:52] excuse

[1:54:52] it

[1:54:53] I know

[1:54:54] my wife

[1:54:55] and

[1:54:56] a couple

[1:54:57] other

[1:54:57] female

[1:54:58] friends

[1:54:58] of mine

[1:54:58] have liked

[1:54:59] this more

[1:55:00] than any

[1:55:00] of his

[1:55:00] other works

[1:55:01] my wife

[1:55:03] really didn't

[1:55:04] give a shit

[1:55:04] about his

[1:55:04] other stuff

[1:55:05] but she

[1:55:05] loved

[1:55:05] like I

[1:55:06] think she

[1:55:07] liked

[1:55:07] more than

[1:55:08] I did

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:08] I mean

[1:55:09] his other

[1:55:10] stuff

[1:55:10] digs into

[1:55:11] how male

[1:55:12] friendship

[1:55:13] works

[1:55:13] so much

[1:55:14] deeper

[1:55:14] that even

[1:55:15] if this

[1:55:15] one is

[1:55:15] not

[1:55:16] is not

[1:55:17] like

[1:55:18] everyone

[1:55:18] gets

[1:55:19] fair

[1:55:19] screen

[1:55:20] time

[1:55:20] and

[1:55:20] character

[1:55:20] if it's

[1:55:21] not about

[1:55:22] that

[1:55:22] I can see

[1:55:23] how

[1:55:23] no I think

[1:55:24] you're right

[1:55:25] how she would

[1:55:25] like it more

[1:55:26] yeah

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:26] I'm excited

[1:55:28] to see it

[1:55:28] I think

[1:55:29] I mean

[1:55:29] I think

[1:55:30] everyone should

[1:55:30] go see it

[1:55:31] I think

[1:55:32] it's great

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:32] I mean

[1:55:33] the idea

[1:55:34] of a baby

[1:55:34] driving a car

[1:55:34] is hilarious

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:35] it's hilarious

[1:55:36] it's like

[1:55:36] look who's

[1:55:37] driving now

[1:55:37] and

[1:55:38] flee from

[1:55:39] the Red Hot

[1:55:40] Chili Peppers

[1:55:41] Elliot's

[1:55:41] favorite band

[1:55:42] is in it

[1:55:42] oh yeah

[1:55:43] I just love

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:44] their stuff

[1:55:44] they give it

[1:55:45] away song

[1:55:45] don't give

[1:55:46] it away

[1:55:46] give it

[1:55:47] to me

[1:55:47] all right

Dan McCoy

[1:55:51] well

[1:55:52] it's late

[1:55:53] and we've

[1:55:53] been recording

[1:55:54] for a long

[1:55:54] time

[1:55:55] so that

[1:55:55] always means

[1:55:56] one thing

[1:55:56] and that

[1:55:57] means that

[1:55:57] we're gonna

[1:55:57] go away

[1:55:58] from your

[1:55:59] ears

[1:55:59] go back

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:01] to the

[1:56:02] to the

[1:56:02] phantom

[1:56:03] zone

[1:56:03] where we

[1:56:03] exist

[1:56:04] between

[1:56:04] episodes

[1:56:05] so

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:07] somebody

[1:56:07] closed the

[1:56:08] cupboard

[1:56:08] and we

[1:56:08] returned

[1:56:09] to being

[1:56:09] little

[1:56:10] plastic

[1:56:10] stand-em-ups

[1:56:11] hey

[1:56:12] we don't

[1:56:13] say

[1:56:14] we

Dan McCoy

[1:56:15] don't

[1:56:15] say

[1:56:15] it

[1:56:16] enough

[1:56:16] but

[1:56:16] we

[1:56:17] belong

[1:56:17] to a

[1:56:18] great

[1:56:19] network

[1:56:19] called

[1:56:19] Maximum

[1:56:20] Fun

[1:56:20] go to

[1:56:20] MaximumFun.org

[1:56:21] check out all the other great shows there

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:24] there are a lot of fantastic shows

[1:56:25] we just got a bunch of new ones too

Dan McCoy

[1:56:28] it's really awesome

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:29] yeah

[1:56:29] it's a really great network

[1:56:30] and the level of quality

[1:56:32] is so consistent

[1:56:34] and even when

[1:56:35] when new podcasts come in

[1:56:36] like

[1:56:37] they bring quality with them

[1:56:38] it's a really

[1:56:39] I feel very proud to be part of this network

[1:56:41] yeah

Dan McCoy

[1:56:41] so why don't you go do that

[1:56:43] while we

[1:56:43] go off and go to sleep

[1:56:45] uh

[1:56:46] we're going to sleep

[1:56:47] alright

[1:56:48] I'll go to sleep for both

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:49] Stuart's gonna go play video games

[1:56:51] party all night long

[1:56:52] I will

[1:56:53] I will do the opposite

[1:56:54] and creep into my house

[1:56:56] where my wife and son are sleeping

[1:56:57] and

[1:56:58] and crawl into bed

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:00] I'm gonna wrap them turtle beaches around my head

[1:57:02] tear the power on

[1:57:03] and go travel to another dimension

[1:57:06] of terror and excitement

[1:57:07] well

Dan McCoy

[1:57:09] everyone has

[1:57:10] and Dan what are you gonna do

[1:57:11] just go to bed

[1:57:12] I'm gonna go to bed man

[1:57:13] okay

[1:57:13] I'm gonna mix down these

[1:57:15] uh

[1:57:15] three tracks that we're recording on

[1:57:17] and then I'm gonna go straight to bed

[1:57:18] uh

[1:57:19] but uh

[1:57:20] that's a little technical talk

[1:57:22] for the podcast

[1:57:23] technical talk about what

[1:57:24] bed

[1:57:24] yeah

[1:57:25] on a Casper mattress

[1:57:26] sounds really great

[1:57:27] for the Flophouse

[1:57:28] I've been Dan McCoy

[1:57:29] hey

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:30] he's Elliot Kalin

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:31] oh wow

[1:57:33] Stuart Wellington

[1:57:34] wow

[1:57:35] oh man

[1:57:36] wow

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:37] that's Owen Wilson

[1:57:38] goodnight everyone

[1:57:40] how does it make you feel

[1:57:46] how does it feel

[1:57:48] when Elliot

[1:57:49] gives you like

[1:57:50] a really solid burn

[1:57:51] when you try to

[1:57:52] put out something

[1:57:53] honest in this

[1:57:54] uh

[1:57:55] in the world

[1:57:55] like make some real honest

[1:57:57] creative content

[1:57:58] that jingle

[1:57:58] yeah

[1:57:59] yeah

[1:58:01] when Elliot just fucking

[1:58:02] holds your feet

[1:58:03] to the coals

[1:58:04] just totally

[1:58:04] rocks you

[1:58:05] rocks you

[1:58:06] and sucks you

Dan McCoy

[1:58:07] flavor blasts me

[1:58:08] yeah yeah

[1:58:10] uh

[1:58:11] you know

[1:58:13] I feel like a little soul

[1:58:14] part of my soul dies

[1:58:15] oh wow

[1:58:16] okay

[1:58:16] you got a big soul

[1:58:17] oh wow

[1:58:18] wow

[1:58:19] it's me

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:19] Owen Wilson

[1:58:20] wow

[1:58:21] wow

[1:58:22] how does he fucking sound

[1:58:25] then dude

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:26] wow

[1:58:27] Ernest Hemingway

[1:58:28] wow

[1:58:29] F Scott Fitzgerald

[1:58:31] you think I'm a good writer

[1:58:33] wow

[1:58:33] that's him in

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:35] Parasite

[1:58:36] are you saying

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:37] Parasite Midnight

[1:58:38] Midnight in Paris

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:38] are you saying he's better

[1:58:39] than I am Dan

[1:58:41] right there

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:41] look

[1:58:42] my impression isn't great either

[1:58:44] wow

[1:58:45] wow

[1:58:47] wow

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:47] wow

[1:58:49] wow

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:49] wow

[1:58:50] wow

[1:58:50] now I can't do it anymore

Dan McCoy

[1:58:52] maximumfun.org

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:55] comedy and culture

[1:58:56] artist owned

Dan McCoy

[1:58:57] listener supported

Ep. #235 - USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage

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