Ep. #238 - xXx: The Return of Xander Cage LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Triple X, The Return of Xander Cage.

[0:05] Live in Brooklyn!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] Hey Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:39] Hey Dan and Stuart, I'm Elliot Kalin, and where are we?

[0:42] We're live in Brooklyn as...

[0:45] Did Elliot fade off into the distance?

[0:47] Oh yeah, right.

[0:51] Oh yeah, like in the intro. Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] You know, I just want to say that Brooklyn audiences...

[0:58] No, do not.

[1:00] Don't. Stop it.

[1:01] Brooklyn audiences are the closest to my apartment audiences in the whole world.

[1:06] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] That's an honest pander.

[1:10] I am not going to give that pander a Pinocchio Award or a Pants on Fire or anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15] Dan's pandering should be called dandering, right Elliot?

[1:18] Yeah, because I'm allergic to it.

Dan McCoy

[1:20] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[1:22] On this podcast, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:26] Oh boy.

[1:27] Which we did not do this time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28] Because this movie rules.

[1:30] Guys.

[1:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] Guys, can I just pull back the curtain a little bit and say that this is the first time that

[1:38] we watched the movie all separate from one another?

[1:40] That's true.

[1:41] And it was...

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] Elliot was texting me the whole time.

[1:45] He was texting you?

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:49] Everyone awed just then as if a baby riding a puppy fell on a wood chipper.

[1:55] Oh no.

[1:56] It started so well and ended so sadly.

[1:59] Yeah.

[2:00] There's more than one kind of awe.

[2:03] That's true.

[2:04] We watched it separately this time.

[2:05] So we're going to be kind of discovering how we feel about this movie together as a group.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:09] So we didn't influence each other except for the text where I'm like, this movie's fucking

[2:12] awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[2:14] And the text that Dan sent us that said something like, this is the stupidest movie we've ever

[2:19] watched.

[2:20] So I think we got a real debate on our hands.

[2:22] So since we don't have as much time as we usually do because we're in a real place with

[2:25] real people, not Dan's apartment, which is not a real place that just has a cat in it.

[2:29] A cat that is imprisoned and crying the whole time.

[2:34] Should we just jump into it?

[2:37] Yeah.

[2:37] Just like Xander Cage would?

Dan McCoy

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:39] Guys, I just want to ask you.

[2:42] Yes?

[2:43] Where were you when you heard that Xander Cage was returning?

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] You know what?

[2:49] I'll never forget not remembering where I was when you asked me that question.

[2:54] Stu, do you remember?

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:56] I think I was sitting there thinking about how all the movies I want to see are populated

[3:00] with my daddy's secret agents.

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] Oh, yeah.

[3:04] Oh.

[3:05] This one is very much not your daddy's secret agent.

[3:08] Unless your dad is Samuel L. Jackson, I guess?

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] My dad's pretty into, I don't know, vaping and those fidget spinners.

[3:19] No offense.

Dan McCoy

[3:20] No offense.

[3:20] My favorite thing sometimes about doing the podcast is watching that moment where Stuart's

[3:25] like gears are turning where he's like, I've committed myself to saying something.

[3:29] I got to think of the reference real quick.

Stuart Wellington

[3:32] See, guys, I'm pretty good at improv.

[3:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] All right.

[3:36] So as mentioned, Triple X, Return of Xander Cage involves the return of, that's right,

[3:40] your favorite hero from Triple X, Xander Cage.

[3:43] The Xander Cage?

[3:44] The Xander Cage.

[3:45] Okay.

[3:45] Because as this movie shows us, this super secret super spy is the most famous man in

[3:50] the world.

[3:51] Okay.

[3:52] But we open with Samuel L. Jackson, who in the first movie and second movie recruited the

[3:57] Triple X agents.

[3:58] He goes into a speech about why, because of asymmetrical warfare and the problems of national

[4:03] security in the 21st century, the answer is skateboards.

[4:06] Yeah.

[4:07] And it never really makes a lot of sense, but it's all like one shot, right?

[4:12] Or is it not?

[4:12] It's all pretty, it's a pretty long take.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] Oh, it's a Paul Thomas Anderson style tour de force.

[4:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:19] And it never-

[4:20] I was too busy trying to set up the audio for the movie, so I missed this part.

[4:24] Okay.

[4:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] Well, he explains the guiding principle of the film while trying to sell a foot, a soccer,

[4:29] or as they would say in this player's native country, football, star, on why he should

[4:33] join the Triple X program.

[4:35] The guy says, I'm not a hero, then proves that wrong by stopping a robbery in the restaurant

[4:39] they're in by kicking a napkin dispenser into the head of the gunman trying to rob the

[4:44] restaurant.

[4:45] Yeah.

[4:45] It looks like a new action hero has just been launched into the Triple X franchise.

[4:49] Then a satellite crashes next to the restaurant and they are engulfed in flame.

Dan McCoy

[4:56] And both of these characters have been given dramatic Suicide Squad style introductions

[5:01] too.

[5:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] With like graphics on screen and text and everything.

Dan McCoy

[5:05] Hobbies are explained to us.

[5:07] Like Slipknot?

[5:08] Yeah.

[5:09] Like your favorite character, Slipknot.

[5:11] You can climb anything.

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:13] So, that, so, next cut to.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] The CIA headquarters.

[5:20] A secret, secure, confidential meeting room, which for some reason has a skylight.

[5:27] The director of the CIA shows up to a meeting where Toni Collette, who has one of those

[5:32] jobs where she's not the head of the CIA, but she's some kind of like amorphous manager

[5:38] of all spy things, you know?

Dan McCoy

[5:41] She's entered the Tilda Swinton phase of her career, I think, in this movie.

[5:44] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[5:45] I mean, she's like the non-union Tilda Swinton.

[5:47] Non-union Tilda Swinton.

[5:48] And then when she gets older, she'll be in the Judi Dench phase where she's like an

[5:51] air elemental in science fiction movies.

[5:53] That's right.

Stuart Wellington

[5:54] You're talking about Chronicles of Riddick, another Vin Diesel franchise?

[5:56] Another Vin Diesel classic.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] Because he can't, I just can't stop talking about the D's, which for me usually means Eddie

[6:02] Deason.

[6:03] But in this case, it's Vin Diesel.

[6:05] And why haven't they made a movie together yet?

[6:07] Where they're like, he's Vin Diesel's dad.

Dan McCoy

[6:10] It could be a remake of Twins, I feel like.

Elliott Kalan

[6:12] Except Eddie Deason is like 30 years older than Vin Diesel.

[6:16] So yeah, they could be Twins.

[6:18] That's like, do you remember there was that, that was that Farrelly Brothers movie about

[6:22] the Siamese Twins?

[6:23] And it was like Greg Kinnear and.

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] Stuck, thank you, stuck on you.

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] Stuck on you.

[6:27] And I remember reading somewhere that their original casting was Woody Allen and Woody Harrelson.

[6:35] And the joke was that one of the twins is just aging much faster than the other one.

Dan McCoy

[6:41] That'd be so much better than the movie they made.

[6:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] I'm stuck on it.

[6:45] Anyway.

[6:46] It turns out there's some kind of super secret spy machine that's crashing satellites.

[6:50] And some kind of super secret terrorist bad guy has it.

[6:53] Luckily, the CIA captured the machine, which is about this.

[6:57] It's like a mother box, basically, for our fourth world fans out there.

[7:01] But uh-oh.

[7:02] I mean, it's a MacGuffin box is what it is.

[7:03] It's a MacGuffin box, yeah.

[7:04] It's a techno box that does bad things.

[7:06] It's filled with egg MacGuffins.

[7:10] Hitchcock was just not trying when he made that movie for McDonald's.

[7:16] Drive-thru rear window.

[7:17] Drive-thru rear window.

[7:21] It should have been rear drive-thru window, I know.

[7:24] Jimmy Stewart is working the late-night shift when he thinks he sees a murder committed in a car in the parking lot.

[7:32] I can't even add anything to this.

Dan McCoy

[7:33] It's too good.

[7:34] Thank you.

[7:35] I'll have two Big Macs.

[7:38] Yeah, perfect.

[7:38] Yeah, I can do impressions.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] Why is he ordering when he works there?

Dan McCoy

[7:42] Because I'm hungry, Elliot.

[7:45] This is like Jimmy Stewart is a Hanna-Barbera character.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] So you know what?

[7:52] No, we don't sell the McRib anymore.

[7:56] You can't order that.

Dan McCoy

[8:00] It's after 11.

[8:03] How many times do I have to tell you?

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] So that was a 20-piece?

[8:12] Anyway, a bunch of what I can only call leather spies, because they're all wearing leather, jump in, smash through the skylight, kill everybody in the room, except for Tony Collette.

[8:25] And this scene is great.

[8:27] And this movie is bonkers.

[8:30] Now, it has taken us, the movie, less time to do all this than it took us to talk about it.

[8:35] Everything's super fast.

[8:36] It's like they were like, hey, you know the scenes in the middle of action scenes that explain what's going on and why people are doing stuff?

[8:43] I don't know why we need those.

[8:46] So they just run in and steal it.

[8:47] And it's one of those weird things where it's like the room full of the CIA has no security.

[8:53] The security all waits outside.

[8:54] And then when the bad guys rush in, the security guys run in at one at a time, try shooting the bad guys.

[8:59] The bad guys kill that one security guy.

[9:02] Next security guy steps up, takes his turn.

[9:04] It's classic ninja tactics.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] Yeah, but with a gun.

[9:08] I mean, that's the weird thing about it.

[9:10] Like, can you just, you know, isn't that what a gun is for?

[9:13] I'm led to believe that a gun is a very efficient killing machine.

[9:16] Is that untrue?

[9:17] I mean, XXX, Return of Xander Cage would have us believe not.

[9:20] No.

[9:21] One extreme sportsman can dismantle any gun that you come at him with.

Stuart Wellington

[9:26] I mean, many characters in this movie can just avoid being shot entirely.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] Yeah, through their skateboardiness.

[9:32] Yeah, and some of it's parkour.

[9:34] And DJ-ness.

[9:35] Yeah, well, we'll get to that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] So, looks like a job for Xander Cage.

[9:40] Where's he?

[9:41] In a Latin American country.

[9:42] Do you remember?

[9:43] Was it Dominican Republic?

[9:44] Was that it?

[9:46] He's, I believe, in the DR.

[9:47] Yes.

[9:47] He's performing a stunt that involves something on a satellite tower that involves jungle skiing,

[9:54] parkour, and then skateboarding down a road that must go on for a thousand miles.

[9:59] All of it downhill.

[10:00] Every single person he passes knows exactly who he is and loves him.

[10:05] They could be young little kids, old men driving trucks.

[10:09] And I got to tell you, there's something not that cool, ultimately, about a grown man hunched over a skateboard.

[10:15] I mean, it's pretty cool.

[10:17] I like that he appeals to all age demographics.

[10:20] Yeah.

[10:21] Everyone knows him and loves him.

[10:23] And it turns out it's all to set up a pirate feed of a soccer match for the people who can't afford cable.

[10:28] Then he goes home to have sex with his model girlfriend, leaves her a skateboard with a post-it note on it, and he's off to the races.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] Before that, before he has sex, there's a kid who's like, I love you, Xander Cage.

[10:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] And he's like, you brought the world to us.

[10:42] Yeah.

[10:42] And you remember what Xander Cage's advice is?

[10:44] He said something about how the world is in your heart.

[10:46] Keep it in your heart.

[10:47] Yeah.

[10:48] And then you can be anywhere or something?

[10:50] I don't remember.

Stuart Wellington

[10:51] That's a pretty good Vin Diesel impression right there, Elliot.

[10:54] No, wait.

[10:54] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[10:54] He's like, keep it in your heart.

[10:56] Then you can be everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] That'll be $7.98.

[11:07] Please pull up to the next window.

[11:10] Xander, Xander, you can't bring your skateboard through the drive-thru.

Dan McCoy

[11:15] We've talked to you about this.

[11:17] But this sets up a theme of the movie, which is everyone in the world fucking loves Xander Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] They fucking love Xander Cage, and they love fucking Xander Cage.

[11:24] But wait, I want to point out one thing.

[11:26] So Xander Cage, he's the rebel spy.

[11:28] He's an extreme sports guy.

[11:30] He doesn't like the man.

[11:31] And yet, interesting how what he's done isn't to...

[11:35] While he's setting up the soccer game, we see guys pushing loads of salt, sweat falling from their brows.

[11:40] And it's like, hey, wait a minute.

[11:42] Rather than showing the masses who their true enemy is and leading them into an uprising,

[11:47] he's just provided the opiate of professional sports in what I can only call a pantomime of rebellion

[11:52] that misleads the people into thinking they're sticking it to the man when, in fact, he's lulling them to sleep.

[11:59] Elliot.

[11:59] So that tomorrow they can wake up and break their backs in the service of the corporate international megalopolises.

Dan McCoy

[12:05] Yeah, who built that skateboard?

Elliott Kalan

[12:07] Yeah, who made that skateboard?

[12:08] Who paved those roads?

[12:09] You didn't build that, Xander.

[12:10] I don't know.

[12:11] My message just turned 180 degrees.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] I don't need to pay attention to your ramblings anymore, Elliot.

[12:19] This is Trump's America.

[12:20] You're right, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] Yeah.

[12:21] Who?

[12:22] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[12:22] Sad, really.

[12:23] It's like another baby fell into that wood chipper.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] No, the president threw a baby in a wood chipper.

[12:28] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[12:30] Anyway.

[12:30] Comey's testifying about it and it still does nothing about it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] Dan, we're not going to release this episode for a while.

[12:34] People are going to be like, Comey, what the hell is that?

[12:38] Was that that African warlord everyone cared about six years ago?

[12:45] Didn't his show get canceled or something?

[12:48] Stuart, you were going to say something?

[12:50] No, I wasn't going to say anything.

[12:53] Okay.

[12:53] Vin is off on his own, but then he gets framed with a bomb and a bunch of police come after him.

[12:58] Turns out it's all a test from Tony Collette.

[13:00] He knew it was just a test and not fake because he noticed the tiny clues all around him.

[13:04] He's super perceptive.

[13:05] He's like Sherlock Holmes on a skateboard, breaking the rules of spydom.

Stuart Wellington

[13:09] And this continues a trope within the XXX series where he gets stuck in what seems like a dangerous situation,

[13:16] but all the guns are filled with blanks.

[13:19] But not Xander.

[13:21] Xander doesn't shoot blanks.

Elliott Kalan

[13:23] He better hope he is because he goes to London to get a hacker to help him track down these ghost agents

[13:28] that can't be found who stole what they call the Pandora's box.

[13:31] And the price for getting that hacker's help?

[13:32] He has to have an orgy with seven or eight women who all keep their underpants on.

[13:36] It wasn't even...

Dan McCoy

[13:37] But it wasn't even set up as the price of him getting that information.

[13:42] It was weird.

[13:43] In a normal...

[13:44] In a James Bond movie, James Bond has sex with a woman to get her on his side or to get some piece of information.

[13:49] In this movie, he asks the lady for information.

[13:52] She's like, I'll give it to you tomorrow.

[13:53] In the meantime, here's eight women.

[13:55] Maybe you would like to have sex with them?

[13:57] That's to Xander Cage.

[13:58] She doesn't give him the option.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] That's true.

[14:01] No.

[14:01] In some ways, if you read that scene differently, he was raped by eight women.

[14:06] Like, he's never given the chance to back out.

[14:09] He was smiling.

[14:10] Maybe it was just nervousness, you know?

[14:12] Sure.

[14:13] Let's not...

[14:13] He didn't say yes.

[14:14] Let's assume...

[14:15] Let's not assume he's into it.

[14:16] I just want to watch you dig yourself out of this.

[14:20] I'm sorry that I'm looking out for Xander Cage.

[14:22] And I don't want it to be assumed that he's asking for it just because he's wearing that huge fur coat with just an undershirt with no sleeves underneath.

[14:31] So when he...

[14:32] He can dress however he wants, Dan.

[14:33] It's not an invitation.

Stuart Wellington

[14:35] When he looks at the camera and says,

[14:37] The things I'll do for my country.

[14:42] That's really sad.

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] That was with the thousand-yard stare of a trauma victim.

[14:48] Very sad.

[14:49] Anyway, they find the bad guys live in some kind of tropical party criminal island.

[14:54] And here's something I was wondering.

Dan McCoy

[14:55] In the meantime, though, Xander has assembled his team.

[14:58] We should talk about his team.

[14:58] Tell me about his team.

Elliott Kalan

[14:59] Do you guys remember the team?

[15:00] Nope.

[15:01] So there's...

[15:02] So first he meets nerdy spy girl comic relief.

[15:08] Yes.

[15:08] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:09] Oh, that's the comedy scene where she spends a long time talking about her sexual safe word.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] Yeah, how she's totally into him.

[15:16] And I don't know.

[15:18] It's just like...

[15:18] It's one of those things where it's like, she keeps coming on to him and he's like,

[15:21] Yeah, maybe later.

[15:21] You got glasses or else I'd do you right now.

[15:24] So...

Dan McCoy

[15:25] That's the subtext.

[15:26] Anyway.

[15:26] But his actual team is...

[15:27] He's got the sniper lady.

[15:30] Yeah, she's a hunter-hunter.

[15:31] Played by famous androgynous model Ruby Rose.

[15:35] Androgynous?

[15:35] I mean, she's...

[15:37] She's a very attractive, boyish lady.

[15:41] I mean, the movie, she was very woman-y.

[15:42] Now Dan gets to kick himself out.

[15:45] No, she's known for this.

[15:46] I mean, she's...

[15:47] Never mind.

[15:48] This is like...

[15:49] Anyway...

[15:50] This is like a whole thing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:51] Each of these people are anti-establishment people.

[15:53] So she's introduced.

[15:54] You think she's about to kill a lion?

[15:56] No.

[15:57] She's shooting at lion hunters.

[15:59] And leaves them to limp through the jungle with their knees bleeding.

[16:02] To be eaten by a lion, I assume.

[16:05] Who's next?

[16:06] Who's next on the team?

[16:06] So we've got hunter-hunter.

[16:07] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[16:08] The guy who drives the car who is...

[16:10] He likes to crash a lot.

[16:12] He's a stunt driver.

Elliott Kalan

[16:12] Loves to crash.

[16:14] And then there is a DJ.

Dan McCoy

[16:16] Yeah.

[16:17] And there's no reason given for him to be on this team except for that he is fun.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] Yeah.

[16:22] No reason?

[16:23] When the bad guys show up later, he hits them with his MacBook and throws CDs at him.

[16:28] You know, you haven't seen a more deadly DJ than Hellraiser 3.

Dan McCoy

[16:32] Now, I was watching this with a friend and she Googled him.

[16:37] And she's apparently a big K-pop star.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] Okay.

[16:40] Well, that's the thing about this movie.

Dan McCoy

[16:41] This movie was very successful abroad.

Elliott Kalan

[16:43] This movie is one of the few movies, I was reading about it, that made $100 million in China without making $100 million in the United States.

[16:50] And it is a very...

[16:51] Here's one of the strengths of this movie.

[16:53] The first strength is it's super dumb.

[16:55] The second...

[16:56] And it doesn't care.

[16:57] The second strength is this is a real, like, multinational, multi-ethnic group.

[17:02] Like, you have a hero group that involves Vin Diesel, who is all things to all people.

[17:06] And then you have a couple of Asian guys, Indian lady, so forth.

[17:12] There's a nerd.

[17:12] That's an ethnicity.

Stuart Wellington

[17:13] He ends up, not to spoil anything, but he ends up teaming up who we think is the bad guy played by Donnie Yen, who is a huge star.

[17:19] Who's a huge star?

[17:20] Who was...

[17:21] And is amazing.

Dan McCoy

[17:21] You got Tony Jaa in there, too.

[17:23] And Tony Jaa is in there.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] So, this is like...

[17:26] It's a very diverse team.

[17:27] Yes.

[17:27] Anyway, they go to Super Party Island.

[17:29] And I was wondering, in movies, criminals are always surrounded by partying ladies in bikinis.

[17:34] Is that really what the life of a criminal is like?

[17:37] There's, like, nonstop bikini ladies everywhere a criminal hangs out.

Stuart Wellington

[17:41] Yeah.

[17:41] Yeah, it seems like it's an island where, after you hit, like, 35, they just ship you off to a different island.

Dan McCoy

[17:50] The elderly criminal island.

[17:53] There's just a bunch of people cheating at backgammon.

Stuart Wellington

[17:56] Because Vin Diesel's under 35, right?

[17:59] Oh, he's got to be.

Elliott Kalan

[18:00] Oh, sure.

[18:01] He's eternally 29.

[18:04] So, anyway, the bad guys are trying to...

[18:06] They're stalking Vin Diesel to this party, but the DJ stops the bad guy with the power of partying.

Stuart Wellington

[18:11] Vin Diesel's 49 years old.

[18:13] What's he doing skateboarding?

Dan McCoy

[18:16] Is he 49 years old?

Stuart Wellington

[18:17] I think he's 49 years old.

[18:18] Somebody look it up.

[18:19] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] Wow.

[18:21] Vindicated.

[18:21] Wow, you crowdsourced that answer very fast.

[18:24] A lot of people who are waiting for the day Vin Diesel turns 50.

[18:29] So they can have sex with him, I guess?

[18:30] Yep, yep.

[18:32] That's how it works.

[18:34] One thing that we're shown in the plane is a bunch of crazy super weapons.

[18:38] One of them, Robo Fists for super punching.

[18:42] But we won't see those for a while.

[18:43] Anyway, there's a standoff between Vin Diesel and two of the bad guys with grenades.

[18:49] Anyway, we think they're the bad guys.

[18:51] They want this Pandora's box that takes down satellites because they think nobody should have this power.

[18:56] Have they destroyed the box?

[18:58] No, they don't want to do that.

[18:59] They enter a bunch of, I guess, Russian soldiers.

[19:03] There's a big fight.

[19:04] Xander is just hitting people with a motocross bike.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:09] I mean, you misspoke, but someone does get hit by a motorboat later on.

Elliott Kalan

[19:12] Yeah, yeah.

[19:13] Well, and also, the bikes turn into water ski bikes during a chase scene.

[19:18] Oh, it's so good.

[19:18] And then they're just riding through this huge CGI wave.

Dan McCoy

[19:21] I was wondering how they were propelled, these water bikes.

[19:24] I mean, because it appeared to be like the wheels were still what was propelling them across the water.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] Yeah, maybe they had rockets.

Dan McCoy

[19:31] There was no rocket to be seen.

Elliott Kalan

[19:33] Here's what you need to know in this movie.

[19:35] This exists in a world where every mode of transportation turns into every other mode of transportation.

[19:39] This is a movie where a guy jumps off of a radio tower with skis on, manages to land exactly where he has left his ski poles, and then skis through a jungle.

[19:50] Yeah.

[19:51] And he is jumping through trees and over bushes and stuff across much, very multi-level topography.

[19:58] He's always got the velocity to keep going forward.

[20:00] Are you just mad because your daddy's secret agent couldn't do that?

[20:04] Yeah, I'm a little mad.

[20:06] The best my daddy's secret agent could do was very unconvincingly ski down a mountain, and then he had a parachute with a flag on it.

[20:13] Great.

Dan McCoy

[20:14] Oh, what a brilliant trick.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] You printed a flag on your parachute, Roger Moore.

[20:18] Rest in peace.

[20:21] Well, he's parachuting with a Union Jack in heaven now.

[20:25] And it's like, Roger, stay up there.

[20:27] It's great up there.

[20:29] Don't parachute down to this veil of tears.

[20:32] Here's what we all found out.

[20:33] Super surprised.

[20:34] The bad guys are really the good guys, it turns out.

[20:37] They've been misused by the real bad guy, the director of the CIA, who's just crashing satellites for, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[20:44] I love the shocked noises from the audience.

[20:47] The ironic shocked noises from the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] It turns out, the bad guy, long story short, he's hiding out in Detroit.

[20:53] And there's a freeway chase, because every action movie has a freeway chase.

Stuart Wellington

[20:56] So when they reveal it's in Detroit, did either of you guys hope RoboCop was going to show up?

[21:01] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:02] For sure.

[21:04] For sure.

[21:05] There is no such luck.

[21:07] Unfortunately.

[21:07] We do get RoboFists.

[21:09] Okay, that's almost as good.

[21:10] So it's like RoboCop's hands showed up for the movie.

[21:13] They're like, RoboCop, we want to give you $100,000 to do a one-minute cameo.

[21:17] He's like, I don't get out of RoboBed for less than $200,000.

[21:21] I'll send my hands.

[21:23] And they better be shiny when you send them back.

[21:26] Anyway, long story short, in Detroit, there's a lot of talk.

[21:31] And the movie cares so little about the character's motivations that when the CIA director is explaining why he's crashing satellites,

[21:37] there's actually a lot of chatter between Vin Diesel and another character that just goes over this.

[21:42] So the CIA director's like, haven't you noticed what the world's like today?

[21:47] And then Vin Diesel's like, you got the shot.

[21:49] I've almost got it.

[21:49] Keep going.

[21:50] And then it cuts back to the CIA director.

[21:51] And that's why the satellites.

[21:53] And it's like, not even trying.

[21:56] Now, no surprise, Vin Diesel manages to move one finger just enough to make space for a sniper bullet to kill the CIA director.

[22:03] Oh, he's so good.

[22:04] And now, the movie doesn't seem to realize the director of the CIA is a pretty public position.

[22:09] And that guy can't just get killed by a sniper bullet in a run-down Detroit building without some kind of repercussions.

[22:17] Like, that's going to be in the newspapers.

Stuart Wellington

[22:19] Wait, that's your complaint?

[22:21] It's not that Vin Diesel can effortlessly do the trajectory?

[22:26] Yes, I said Vin Diesel.

[22:27] It's him, not Xander Cage.

[22:29] He can do the trajectory for the sniper bullet so it goes perfectly between his fingers?

[22:34] Like, how does he know exactly?

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] Look, he's XXX.

[22:37] That's how he knows exactly where the bullet's going to go.

[22:42] Now it's, uh-oh, everyone's versus, and Toni Collette turns out she's the real bad guy now.

[22:48] What?

[22:49] Because she wants to use the Pandora's box for, I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[22:52] What was it?

[22:53] I don't, they want to, they want to surveil everyone basically is the thing.

[22:57] So if they can control every satellite, they can keep tabs on everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[23:00] Yeah, so he can't be free anymore.

[23:01] Oh, yeah.

[23:02] It's all about freedom.

[23:03] This is a movie that, it's weird.

[23:05] It's a movie that is being made at a weird time because it's very, like, anti-surveillance.

[23:09] I'm sure we're all against that.

[23:11] There's a scene where she's like, this is the team of army men you're going to be teamed up with.

[23:15] And he's like, hey, nice to meet you.

[23:16] And then he kicks them out of a plane.

[23:19] And it's like, and it's one of those movies where it's like, there's a time in American history

[23:24] when, like, an anti-establishment movie could easily throw army men out of a plane.

[23:27] And the audience would be like, yeah.

[23:29] But I feel like that's not the place soldiers have in our minds right now.

[23:32] So there was a part of me that was like, I know those soldiers are supposed to be, like,

[23:35] hard asses who won't do things the Vin Diesel way.

[23:37] It still rubs me the wrong way that he just threw, like, five American soldiers off a plane.

Dan McCoy

[23:42] And he's the hero of the movie.

[23:44] I'm not imagining a book that's called Do Things the Vin Diesel Way.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] What's in that book?

[23:49] Lay it out for us.

[23:50] Spitch it to me.

[23:50] I'm a publisher.

[23:53] Okay.

[23:54] Well, I imagine.

Dan McCoy

[23:55] I'm a busy man.

[23:56] I imagine you start the day off with.

[23:58] Or a woman.

[23:58] It's a very woman-led industry.

[24:00] A cart full of raw eggs.

[24:01] You start the day off with a cart full of raw eggs.

[24:04] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] A cart, like a shopping cart full of raw eggs.

Dan McCoy

[24:07] A shopping cart full of raw eggs.

[24:09] Okay.

[24:10] And then a nice steam.

[24:13] Don't have to do any hair brushing.

[24:15] So it's just his daily routine.

[24:16] It's not like how to get out of situations.

[24:18] No, it's not anything exciting.

[24:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] It's not like how to solve your problems the Vin Diesel way.

[24:23] It's just how to live exactly like he does.

Dan McCoy

[24:25] Yeah, exactly.

[24:26] And he starts his day with a steam?

[24:29] He starts his day with a steam and he ends his day with a shower.

[24:34] It's weird.

Elliott Kalan

[24:34] Okay.

[24:35] So he's just sweaty all day.

[24:36] He's sweaty.

[24:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:37] He likes to get sweaty and then he puts on his giant coat.

Elliott Kalan

[24:41] So he wears, for people not familiar with the triple X wardrobe, he wears a big furry coat

[24:46] not unlike saber-toothed in the first X-Men movie.

[24:49] Yep.

[24:49] Or what I imagine the coat Terry Gilliam was wearing when he met the other Pythons for the first time.

Dan McCoy

[24:56] It's supposed to be the coolest thing you've ever seen.

[24:59] The coat.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] Yeah.

[25:00] You're supposed to be like, he goes, I know where my coat is.

[25:03] And the audience is supposed to be like, oh.

Dan McCoy

[25:05] The coat?

[25:06] We're talking about the coat?

[25:07] They're going to get the coat?

[25:09] Guys.

[25:09] The coat got second billing in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[25:12] Guys, do you think Vin Diesel sleeps in a bed that's shaped like a race car?

[25:18] Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[25:19] Stuart.

[25:20] I'm going to tell you the truth.

[25:21] He doesn't sleep in a bed shaped like a race car.

[25:24] He sleeps in a race car made into a bed.

[25:26] What?

[25:32] Because that's the Vin Diesel way.

[25:34] I'm buying the book.

[25:35] All right.

[25:37] It's going to be a huge release.

[25:39] Anyway, at this point, it's just everybody versus the U.S. government, including the nerd girl who was his tech support.

[25:46] I guess she just resigned from her job.

Dan McCoy

[25:49] They send a bunch of, I mean, Vin Diesel is, he goes on the plane with them.

[25:55] Yes.

[25:55] He's captured.

[25:56] But they send a bunch of.

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] He and Ip Man are captured.

[25:59] Yeah.

[25:59] Donnie Yen.

[26:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:01] Ip Man from the movies.

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] Oh, wait.

[26:03] What kind of man?

[26:04] An Ip Man.

[26:05] Okay.

[26:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:07] He has the powers of an Ip.

[26:08] Yes.

[26:09] Anyway.

[26:11] But they send a team of killers in to kill the rest of the team.

[26:16] That's what they do.

[26:16] American troops.

[26:17] But yes.

[26:17] In this movie, they're portrayed as killers.

[26:18] Yeah.

[26:19] And all these.

[26:21] This whole team is like exes.

[26:22] They're like, they're all.

[26:24] They're all.

[26:24] They all used to be married.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] It's a very complicated relationship because they've got to watch each other's backs.

[26:33] But it's like, where were you when we were having real trouble?

Dan McCoy

[26:37] They're all part of the triple X team.

[26:39] Yes.

[26:39] So they've all.

[26:40] They've all proven themselves to be the sort of person that.

Elliott Kalan

[26:42] Oh, that's right.

[26:43] The ghost agents that they were chasing, it turns out, were also recruited by Samuel L.

[26:46] Jackson to be triple X agents.

[26:48] So what makes you a ideal candidate for the triple X program?

[26:51] You better be good at an extreme sport.

[26:53] Okay.

[26:54] For instance, the main woman from the ghost agents who becomes Vin Diesel's romantic interest,

[26:59] she talks to him.

[27:00] They have a classic tattoo trading scene where they each got tattoos from different stunts.

[27:03] Yeah, it's a ripoff of Jaws.

Dan McCoy

[27:04] They're just showing their different tattoos as if it's scars.

Elliott Kalan

[27:07] Yeah.

[27:07] And she talks about how she climbed up the London Eye naked.

[27:12] And she got thrown in jail for tagging a building.

[27:15] The tag was 30 stories tall.

[27:17] And they all have these like extreme things they did.

[27:20] Which makes them perfect for secret agents.

Dan McCoy

[27:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] Like, she uses her tagging powers, I guess, for...

[27:27] They, Dan, they do things differently than your daddy's superhero.

[27:31] Yeah, your daddy would have only made a five foot tall tag.

[27:34] Your daddy would have climbed the London Eye with climbing ropes.

Dan McCoy

[27:37] My daddy put Turk 182 everywhere.

[27:40] And that's no good.

[27:41] No, no.

[27:42] There's no one in the audience who knows Turk 182?

[27:44] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[27:45] Oh, they got it.

[27:46] And then they rejected it.

[27:47] All right.

[27:49] Okay.

[27:50] So there's like 15 different heroes involved in six different super battles right now.

[27:56] And it's all guns and punches.

[27:57] We finally get to see the soldier who was a real mean guy to Vin Diesel using the robo-fists.

[28:02] But Vin Diesel keeps dodging them.

[28:04] So he's just punching out view screens on an airplane.

[28:06] I love that shit, though.

Stuart Wellington

[28:07] When he finally punches through the airplane's toilet.

[28:11] And then Vin Diesel kind of stuffs him through the toilet.

[28:13] And it's like shining like the TV from Poltergeist.

[28:16] And then it immediately cuts to an explosion on the ground.

[28:20] That is filmmaking, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[28:22] No, it's like I'm pretty good with stimulants.

[28:25] Like stimuli from a movie.

[28:27] You're pretty good with stimulants.

Dan McCoy

[28:28] I was pretty good with stimulants.

[28:30] Cocaine.

[28:30] My heart would explode.

Elliott Kalan

[28:33] I'm pretty good with stimuli from a movie.

[28:34] But I was so overloaded from this.

[28:37] And it was like I can't figure out what's going on.

[28:40] I don't know what's going on.

[28:42] I need to watch like Daughters of the Dust after this.

[28:44] I need something so totally different.

[28:46] Yeah.

[28:47] Just the exact opposite.

Dan McCoy

[28:48] Pull out your Ozu DVDs.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Yeah, I've got to watch Tokyo Story after this just to come down from this.

[28:53] It's like I got OD'd on XXX.

[28:55] That's a lot of letters.

[28:57] Anyway.

[28:59] That's a lot of letters.

[29:01] The guys on the ground who are not Vin Diesel, they run out of bullets.

[29:05] Uh-oh.

[29:06] Looks like it's done for for them.

[29:07] I guess they're dead.

Dan McCoy

[29:08] But then who steps in, Dan?

[29:11] What's his face?

[29:15] I know the actor, Ice Cube, but I don't know what his name is.

[29:18] His name is Darius Stone.

[29:19] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] Darius Stone.

[29:23] I will say, when he showed up, we were watching this in the bar last night, and the entire

[29:28] bar bursts into cheers.

Elliott Kalan

[29:32] I have to admit, I have to admit, Ice Cube's music, not really my kind of music, second triple

[29:38] X movie.

[29:38] I've never seen it, but when he showed up, I was like, shit, Ice Cube's in this movie?

[29:43] And I will say, that's a movie working.

[29:45] When a character you don't know shows up, and you're like, I know he's important.

Stuart Wellington

[29:49] This is great.

[29:50] You called your wife over to be like, honey, honey, Ice Cube's in this.

[29:55] Did she spit out her Go-Gurt or whatever she was drinking?

[29:59] She's not here, right?

[30:00] She's not going to be mad at me.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] She is.

[30:01] Oh, shit.

[30:02] Yeah, please.

[30:02] Anyway, it was like I was watching a Spider-Man movie, and Darth Vader showed up.

[30:09] I was like, what?

[30:13] Which, they're both owned by the same company.

[30:15] They can do that now.

[30:16] They did an X-Men Star Trek crossover.

[30:18] Why not?

[30:19] Anyway, so.

[30:21] Anyway, basically, everybody wins in the end.

[30:24] Tony Collette gets pushed out of a plane.

[30:26] Those other guys get pushed out of planes.

[30:28] But she's activated the Pandora device.

[30:32] A satellite is falling.

[30:33] They've already landed one on wherever the first one was.

[30:36] I don't even remember where that was.

[30:37] Somewhere in America or somewhere.

[30:39] They've landed one in Russia, in Moscow.

[30:42] Now this one's about to hit Detroit.

[30:44] Uh-oh.

[30:45] Not Detroit.

Dan McCoy

[30:46] No.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] They're already dealing with so much.

[30:51] Xander realizes there's only one thing he can do.

[30:54] He's got to aim this plane at that satellite, because he's already killed everybody else on it.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] Now, this plan, I don't feel like Xander has thought this through.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] How could he think it through?

[31:03] He has a split-second decision to stop a satellite.

Dan McCoy

[31:06] He is adding plane debris to satellite debris at this point.

[31:11] And you know what?

Stuart Wellington

[31:11] That's a very good point.

[31:12] He has just enough time.

[31:14] Oh, Stuart just stood up.

[31:16] Uh-oh.

[31:17] He has just enough time to utter his second catchphrase.

[31:21] I live for this shit.

[31:24] No, wait.

[31:26] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] Stuart, what would you classify as his first catchphrase?

[31:33] Okay.

[31:34] He's got to stand up again.

[31:35] Stood up for the full power.

Stuart Wellington

[31:37] The things I do for my country.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] Okay.

[31:40] I would totally flip those.

[31:42] I would flip those in the ranking.

[31:45] Anyway, it totally works.

[31:47] He slams a plane into a satellite, jumps out in time to land on a pallet, activate the parachute on the pallet.

[31:52] That pallet hits the ground with what looks like the force of 100 H-bombs.

[31:55] Yeah.

[31:56] And yet, he's totally fine.

[31:58] He doesn't get a hangnail from that.

[32:00] Yeah.

[32:01] He walks away.

[32:02] Everything's cool.

[32:03] They even got it on camera, on his phone.

[32:05] So they can upload it to e-bombs world.

[32:09] Do people still watch videos on that?

[32:12] I don't know where you put your extreme sports videos.

Stuart Wellington

[32:18] But they save a little moment, right?

[32:20] Are you talking about the moment where Ice Cube shows up?

Elliott Kalan

[32:24] Ice Cube returns Xander's car to him and says, an opportunity to work with the...

[32:29] Elliot, that represents the franchise.

[32:32] Oh.

[32:33] And Ice Cube says, an opportunity to work with the great Xander Cage.

[32:36] And I can only imagine Ice Cube was like, I've got to fucking pretend Vin Diesel is my hero.

[32:43] Like, I'm Ice Cube.

[32:45] I've got to pretend this guy is the coolest man I've ever met.

[32:49] That must have been a real...

[32:51] At that point, Ice Cube dug deep and found the humility that I know he returns too often.

[32:56] And which makes him a strong individual.

[32:58] Yeah.

[32:59] Because truly it's the strong man who can bow and not lose faith in himself.

[33:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:05] I mean, I'm not sure that the star of Are We There Yet?

[33:08] was...

[33:09] was that sad about cashing a paycheck.

Elliott Kalan

[33:12] That's the kind of humility I'm talking about.

[33:14] All right.

[33:16] Anyway, cut to Samuel L. Jackson's funeral.

[33:20] We hear a lot of gospel singing and a surprisingly white audience at this funeral.

[33:25] It was very distracting.

[33:26] I was watching.

[33:27] I was like, who are these people?

[33:28] Are they all co-workers of Samuel L. Jackson?

[33:30] Yeah.

[33:31] And here's where the movie, which I'll remind you.

[33:34] So the...

[33:35] Oh, do you want to say it, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[33:36] The camera pans up into the balcony and we see Xander Cage sitting up there alone, of course, sleeveless.

[33:42] Sleeveless.

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] In church?

[33:44] This is the funeral for a...

[33:45] This is the funeral for a man.

[33:48] He has talked about the entire movie as a mentor, father, elder brother, and God all rolled into one.

[33:55] As far as he knows, this man is dead.

[33:58] They will never share a moment together.

[34:00] They will never speak together again.

[34:02] He will never feel his hand when they shake hands.

[34:05] He will never catch a glimpse of him from across the room.

[34:07] And all he has is his memories.

Stuart Wellington

[34:10] I'm not expecting him to show up wearing a tie or a bow tie.

[34:13] His neck's not made for that.

[34:15] No.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] But at least, at least, tear up that parachute you rode down on and make some sleeves out of it.

[34:25] Cover your arms.

[34:26] Or else are you just showing off because you hope maybe someone in the choir's going to notice.

[34:30] And you can go home with them, Xander.

[34:33] But anyway, so here's a movie that's shown us a lot of things.

[34:35] It's shown us a man hit a satellite with a plane.

[34:38] It's shown us robo-fists that super punch.

[34:40] It's shown us bikes that turn into water ski bikes.

[34:43] It's shown us jungle skiing.

[34:45] It's shown us a man who kicks a napkin dispenser into a robber's head.

[34:50] And now it goes to the least believable thing in the movie.

[34:55] Because as he's sitting up there in the balcony, and I said to the movie while I was watching,

[35:00] don't do this movie.

[35:02] Because the perilously stretched thin plausibility of this film will snap.

[35:07] Who pulls a fucking Tom Sawyer but Samuel L. Jackson, who walks out and watches his own funeral?

[35:16] Because sure, everyone thinks that Injun Joe killed Tom in the caves.

[35:21] Because a satellite exploded next to him.

Dan McCoy

[35:24] I also like, Sam Jackson says, you think you're the only one who can fake your own death?

[35:28] And I'm like, you didn't know a satellite was going to come down and blow up next to you.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] Which we saw on camera.

[35:34] It's not like he looked to the sky and we cut away and there was a big explosion from far away.

[35:39] We saw his body engulfed in flame.

[35:42] We saw the windows burst in.

[35:44] So he's getting laceration wounds in addition.

[35:47] He is none the worse for wear.

[35:51] And anyway, that's kind of the end of the movie.

[35:54] Yeah.

[35:54] Like, what happens after that?

Dan McCoy

[35:56] He's just like encouraging Xander Cage to just keep on keeping on, man.

[36:00] Yeah.

[36:00] He tells him to keep looking dope.

Stuart Wellington

[36:02] Yeah, does he just show up at the end to be like, hey, I really like you, Xander Cage.

Dan McCoy

[36:07] I have to assume that...

[36:08] In the words of Carly Rae Jepsen,

[36:10] I really, really, really, really, really like you.

[36:17] Oh, that's who they were quoting?

[36:18] Yeah, that was it.

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] Oh, wow.

[36:20] I didn't realize that.

[36:21] I have to assume that there's some clause in Samuel L. Jackson's contract that was like,

[36:28] I can't die in a movie.

[36:30] The same way that Bruce Lee, when he was Kato on that episode of Batman,

[36:35] they were like, now Robin's going to beat you in a fight.

[36:37] And he was like, that is not going to happen.

[36:40] There's no way Burt Ward is going to defeat me in a televised fight.

[36:45] I have to assume Samuel L. Jackson was like, I die in this movie?

[36:48] No, we're reshooting the end.

[36:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:51] But we should move on to our final judgments.

[36:55] Is this a good, bad movie?

[36:57] A bad, bad movie?

[36:58] Or a movie we kind of like?

[37:00] Ellie, what do you have to say?

[37:01] Do you want to go first?

Elliott Kalan

[37:02] Yeah.

[37:02] Because I may shock the audience.

[37:03] All right.

[37:04] Barring the section in the middle and the beginning of Act 3 where I was so overloaded with things,

[37:10] I could no longer perceive reality.

[37:15] This was a movie I kind of liked.

[37:21] It is so incredibly dumb.

[37:26] There were times when I was like, am I seeing the Tango in Cash for the 21st century unfold before my eyes?

[37:33] And I wasn't, but it got pretty close.

Dan McCoy

[37:36] Yeah.

[37:37] I mean, my feeling watching it was I either wanted it to be a little less dumb or a lot more dumb.

[37:44] But I have to say, on the sliding scale of Flophouse films, I mean, you have to understand, we've been driven mad by doing this for a decade.

[37:52] Our standards are very different from the normal viewer.

[37:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] Although I think CinemaScore gave this an A minus, so.

Dan McCoy

[38:00] Don't run out and see it, but I kind of liked it too.

[38:04] I kind of liked it too.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] I'm going to say run out and see it.

[38:11] No, I think this movie is super dumb and super fun.

[38:15] Like, it gets so close to the moment where a bad guy could say,

[38:19] I told you not to let him get on that motorbike.

[38:23] And there's a DJ character who does start hitting people with DJ equipment.

[38:30] It's so good.

[38:31] Oh, man, it's the dumbest thing.

[38:34] It feels a lot like, it reminds me of seeing the Transporter movies for the first time,

[38:39] being like, these are so dumb, but still really great.

Dan McCoy

[38:42] I will say that the one problem I, well, not the one problem.

[38:44] What the fuck am I talking about?

[38:45] Otherwise, flawless.

[38:47] The biggest problem I have with the film is I feel like Vin Diesel is the least charismatic one of all of them.

[38:54] Oh, yeah.

[38:54] Which is why they have to keep saying, like, how awesome he is every time he walks on stream.

[38:59] It's true.

Elliott Kalan

[39:00] A movie character can be judged by how often the other characters have to remind you they're supposed to be cool.

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] And if they do it a lot, there's a problem with that character.

Stuart Wellington

[39:10] But, I mean, like, if you start a movie with an action scene with both Tony Jaa and Donnie Yen,

[39:15] you're off on the right foot.

[39:16] Like, it's great.

[39:17] Oh, for sure.

[39:17] There's that scene where Tony Jaa kicks that dude off of the motorcycle and then lands on the motorcycle and drives it.

[39:23] It's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Oh, man.

[39:27] It's like this is the movie Suicide Squad should have been.

[39:31] Like, this is the ideal version of Suicide Squad, except that I guess none of them die at the end.

[39:38] Except Slipknot.

[39:40] R.I.P.

[39:41] R.I.P.

[39:42] R.I.P. Slipknot.

Dan McCoy

[39:43] I'm sorry, Stuart.

[39:44] I know it's hard for you.

Stuart Wellington

[39:46] The life of a Slipknot.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] A Slipknot?

Stuart Wellington

[39:50] That's me.

[39:50] A Slipknot.

[39:51] All right.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] That's what we call ourselves, Dan.

[39:53] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] That was an old Conan O'Brien bit, yeah.

[39:57] I saw them perform that live at a taping of Conan.

[40:00] Talking about Slipknot?

[40:01] Slipknot was the band playing that day.

[40:03] And so they did a bit called The Slipknot, where...

Dan McCoy

[40:06] No, this is just a podcast where we describe Conan O'Brien.

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] This is a conversation...

[40:12] I'm working on a show right now where the head writer is Brian McCann, who's a long-time Conan guy.

[40:16] And I was asking him today, I was like, were you in The Slipknot?

[40:20] And he's like, I wasn't in that, but I remember that bit.

[40:23] And he goes, they once opened for Slipknot.

[40:26] And he said, they're performing for like a stadium of people booing them.

[40:33] Because it was just guys singing about how they're slipping on peanut shells.

S4

[40:41] Hi, I'm comedian Emily Heller.

[40:43] And I'm cartoonist Lisa Hanawalt.

[40:44] And we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses.

[40:46] Do you want to learn weird new facts?

[40:48] Do you like hearing successful creative women talk about their poop?

[40:51] Do you want the scoop on Martha Stewart's pony?

[40:54] If you answered yes to any of these questions, our show is for you.

[40:57] We interview people like Paula Tompkins,

[40:59] Kristen Schaal,

[41:00] Myful Che,

[41:00] and more.

[41:01] So check us out on Maximum Fun.

[41:03] And let us mess up your brain.

[41:04] Yes, please.

S5

[41:05] Baby Geniuses,

[41:07] we know everything.

[41:08] Baby Geniuses,

[41:09] tell us something we don't know.

S6

[41:15] Mugs,

[41:16] shirts,

[41:17] stickers,

[41:17] patches,

[41:18] tanks,

[41:18] and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfunstore.com.

[41:22] Hey,

[41:23] you already love the podcasts.

[41:24] So why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch?

[41:30] Maxfunstore.com.

[41:31] Because if you have to wear a shirt,

[41:32] it should be one of ours.

Dan McCoy

[41:35] Hey guys,

[41:36] it's Dan again.

[41:38] Flying alone again,

[41:39] I mean to say.

[41:41] Sorry about that.

[41:42] It's a live show.

[41:43] So you know what that means.

[41:45] We weren't all in the same room together to do the ads because we didn't want to bore the live audience with ads.

[41:53] We only want to bore you,

[41:54] the listener at home,

[41:55] with ads.

[41:56] So enjoy these ads.

[41:59] I'm sure that our sponsors will love that we said bore them with ads.

[42:07] But first up,

[42:09] we've got Blue Apron sponsoring the podcast yet again.

[42:13] Thank you to Blue Apron.

[42:15] It's the service that brings you pre-portioned ingredients in a box to your home every day,

[42:22] every day that you decide to have it come.

[42:26] Not every day that you decide to have it come.

[42:28] Once a week.

[42:29] But you decide what that day in the week is.

[42:31] Come on, guys.

[42:32] Come on.

[42:33] Come on.

[42:35] Come on.

[42:36] For less than $10 per person per meal,

[42:39] Blue Apron offers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[42:44] And some featured upcoming meals we've got going on here.

[42:47] We've got, you know, this is my favorite part.

[42:50] Basil pesto chicken with summer vegetable panzanella.

[42:55] Hmm.

[42:56] Whole grain pasta and summer vegetables with heirloom tomato caprese salad.

[43:01] And a meatball pizza with fresh mozzarella cheese and charmed tomatoes.

[43:06] How do you fit a meatball pizza in a box?

[43:09] Only you can discover by signing up for Blue Apron now.

[43:13] Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping

[43:16] by going to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[43:20] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[43:24] And we've got a new sponsor on the show.

[43:27] I'm very excited about this one.

[43:29] Now listen.

[43:31] If you've come to a live show,

[43:33] you know that I'm a bit of a clothes horse.

[43:37] I'm a horse that wears clothes.

[43:42] I've been keeping it secret all these years.

[43:44] But I'm actually Seabiscuit,

[43:45] the world's most popular horse.

[43:47] And I love clothes.

[43:49] Got to go buy some.

[43:51] But no, I'm excited about this next sponsor

[43:56] because they are a clothing help service.

[44:01] They help you find good clothes to wear.

[44:06] And certainly early in my clothes buying career,

[44:08] this thing would have been a boon to me.

[44:11] A boon.

[44:12] It's Bombfell.

[44:14] Bombfell is an easier way for men to get better clothes.

[44:17] You pay nothing when you sign up

[44:18] because there are no fees to work with them.

[44:20] You only pay for the clothes you keep.

[44:22] And Bombfell is the only service right now

[44:24] that can make this claim.

[44:25] It's dedicated to being the most simple,

[44:27] straightforward service around.

[44:29] It's completely flexible.

[44:30] Push up, delay, or skip your shipments anytime.

[44:39] Now, what you do here with this Bombfell thing

[44:42] is you sign up online.

[44:45] You take a little style quiz,

[44:47] which is very exciting

[44:48] because they're good quizzes and bad quizzes.

[44:52] There's the quizzes that you have to pass in school.

[44:58] And then there's these fun quizzes

[44:59] that you get to just talk about yourself a lot.

[45:02] And that's what's going on with the style quiz.

[45:05] And I actually have a Bombfell packet waiting for me at work.

[45:10] I've been on vacation,

[45:11] so I can't speak directly to the things that I've gotten.

[45:17] But I'm very excited to try these things out

[45:20] once I get a chance.

[45:23] Now, if you want $25 off your first purchase

[45:26] when you visit Bombfell.com,

[45:28] just go to Bombfell.com slash The Flophouse.

[45:31] That's B-O-M-B-F-E-L-L dot com slash Flophouse

[45:38] for 25% off.

[45:40] And we've got a Jumbotron.

[45:43] This one is for Aiden,

[45:46] and it's from Alex.

[45:48] And it says,

[45:49] I can confidently say I fell in love with you

[45:52] because of your goddamn incredible laugh.

[45:55] The first time I heard it,

[45:56] we were on the same train, not together,

[45:58] and you were laughing out loud

[46:00] to a podcast you were listening to

[46:01] with headphones on.

[46:03] I thought you were insane.

[46:04] I still kind of do.

[46:06] Keep laughing, AIDS.

[46:08] Happy 23rd birthday.

[46:10] Keep laughing, AIDS.

[46:12] That's A-I-D-Z.

[46:15] Not keep laughing the disease AIDS.

[46:17] That would be terrible.

[46:19] That would be a weird message for you to slip in

[46:21] in the middle of this wonderful declaration of love.

[46:25] But it sounds like Alex loves you a lot, Aiden.

[46:29] So congratulations on that.

[46:32] Hey.

[46:33] Hey, guys.

[46:35] We've got some live shows coming up.

[46:38] The first one is the Now Hear This Festival.

[46:45] It's going to take place at the Javits Center

[46:48] in beautiful New York City

[46:53] on September the 9th, I believe.

[46:57] I'm looking it up.

[46:57] That's why it appeared to be stalling

[46:59] because I lost the piece of paper

[47:02] that had that piece of information on it.

[47:05] Yes.

[47:06] September the 9th.

[47:07] There's no Elliot in that show,

[47:09] but Ronnie Chang of The Daily Show

[47:11] will be filling in for him.

[47:14] But if you want to see the whole gang,

[47:15] you've got two chances for that,

[47:17] especially if you live on the West Coast.

[47:19] On October 8th, that's a Sunday,

[47:23] we'll all be in Los Angeles at the Regent Theater,

[47:26] visited Elliot in his new hometown.

[47:30] And in December, on December the 9th,

[47:34] that's a Saturday,

[47:36] we will be in San Francisco

[47:37] at the Marines Memorial Theater.

[47:40] So please, tickets are available.

[47:43] You go to our website.

[47:44] We have links up.

[47:46] Yeah, check us out.

[47:48] But now, back to the live show of today,

[47:53] Xander Cage.

[47:55] Anyway, Dan, we should move along, right?

[47:56] Yeah, we should move along

[47:57] to the next part of the podcast,

[47:59] which is where we're going to answer

[48:00] some questions from audience members.

[48:02] There is a microphone

[48:03] set up right over there.

[48:05] So I hope that people who are far away

[48:07] can...

Elliott Kalan

[48:08] If you're interested...

[48:09] Oh, what?

[48:11] You can go that way.

[48:12] I don't know what the best route is.

[48:14] It's a crowded room.

[48:15] Now, Elliot, do you want to give your thing up front,

[48:17] or do you not want to be mean?

[48:18] I don't want to be mean,

[48:20] so I'll say it as nicely as I can.

[48:22] Everybody wants their moment in the sun.

[48:25] Sometimes that means being in a viral video.

[48:27] Sometimes that means killing Shelley Winters

[48:30] so you can marry Elizabeth Taylor.

[48:35] But here's the thing.

[48:37] We want to keep this moving along pretty quick

[48:39] and we want to respect everybody's chance

[48:41] to get up there.

[48:42] We're looking for real questions

[48:43] and not...

[48:44] You know, we've all been to Q&As

[48:45] where somebody rambled on.

[48:47] So here's the rubric to keep in your head.

[48:49] I want to ask them a question.

[48:50] If I wasn't me

[48:51] and I was hearing someone else ask this question,

[48:54] would it interest me?

[48:56] And if the answer is no,

[48:58] think of a different question

[48:59] or sit down.

[49:00] So...

[49:01] I'm sorry,

[49:01] it got a little mean at the end.

[49:03] I apologize.

[49:05] Now that Elliot has played bad cop.

[49:07] I've spent enough time

[49:08] seeing people ramble on and on

[49:10] to Woody Allen

[49:11] about how much they love his movies.

[49:12] As if Woody Allen's going to say,

[49:14] stick around after the show

[49:15] so we can be best friends.

Dan McCoy

[49:16] Unlimited time.

[49:18] Okay, so Dan,

[49:19] what were you going to say?

[49:19] Good talk.

[49:20] No, I was going to say,

[49:20] go ahead.

Stuart Wellington

[49:23] Hello, my name is Bobby,

[49:25] last name withheld.

[49:26] Hi, Bobby.

[49:26] Thanks for coming.

[49:27] The current state of movies

[49:28] is Expanded Universe

[49:29] is the new hit thing.

[49:32] So if you can make

[49:33] an Expanded Universe

[49:34] of only Oscar-winning

[49:36] Best Picture films,

[49:38] who would be the hero,

[49:39] who would be the villain,

[49:40] and who would be

Elliott Kalan

[49:41] the funny minority sidekick?

[49:45] Oh, from different

[49:46] Best Picture-winning movies.

[49:47] The question,

[49:48] your Best Picture

[49:49] extended cinematic universe,

[49:50] who are the characters?

[49:51] Hero, villain, funny sidekick.

[49:53] Ooh.

[49:53] Well, your villain's got to be,

[49:55] I guess,

[49:56] Ray Fiennes from Schindler's List.

[49:59] Because it doesn't get

[50:00] more evil than him.

[50:01] No one more villainous.

[50:02] But your hero,

[50:03] for me,

[50:04] Jack Lemmon in the apartment.

[50:06] That's a hero-villain imbalance.

[50:08] How's he going to get out of that one?

[50:12] Luckily, we got William Goldman

[50:14] and David Mamet on the case.

[50:16] But who,

[50:17] Dan, what are you thinking?

Dan McCoy

[50:18] This, uh,

[50:18] this,

[50:19] this question is predicated

[50:21] on me being able

[50:22] to remember

[50:22] Best Picture winners.

[50:24] All right, Stuart,

[50:25] who do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] Uh,

[50:29] did Gladiator win

[50:30] Best Picture?

[50:31] It did.

[50:31] We live in a universe

[50:32] where that happens.

Stuart Wellington

[50:36] So I didn't like that one.

[50:39] How about, uh,

[50:41] did Crash win Best Picture?

[50:42] Which one?

[50:43] Which Crash?

[50:44] Which Crash?

Elliott Kalan

[50:46] Cronenberg's didn't win.

[50:47] Did not win.

[50:47] I'm pretty sure, right?

[50:48] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[50:48] Okay, Paul Haggis.

[50:49] So the bad guy from the other one

[50:50] is racism, right?

[50:51] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] Bad guy of the cinematic universe.

[50:54] Is what, like,

[50:54] is it racism the concept

[50:56] or a person that embodies racism

[50:58] like the hate monger?

Stuart Wellington

[50:59] Uh, I mean,

[51:00] I don't know,

[51:00] use your imagination, dude.

[51:02] I'm just throwing out ideas.

[51:03] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[51:04] All right.

[51:05] And so for Goofy Sidekick,

[51:06] I'm going to say

[51:07] Kevin Spacey,

[51:08] the dad from American Beauty.

[51:11] And here's the thing,

[51:12] every time,

[51:13] Jack Lemmon in my version

[51:14] is like,

[51:14] we've got to go,

[51:15] we're late.

[51:15] And Kevin Spacey's

[51:16] just masturbating in the shower.

[51:20] I think we can move on.

[51:23] Yeah, we solved that one.

[51:24] Good question.

S7

[51:25] All right.

[51:25] Uh, Max,

[51:28] Stuart, from over there,

[51:29] I couldn't tell

[51:29] what your shirt was.

[51:30] From over here,

[51:31] it's just as ridiculous.

Dan McCoy

[51:32] Thank you.

[51:34] Stuart,

[51:34] do you want to explain

[51:35] your shirt

[51:35] to the listeners at home?

[51:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:36] I guess I'm wearing

[51:37] a t-shirt that has

[51:38] my friend's dog on it

[51:39] and it says Foxy,

[51:40] which is the name

[51:41] of the dog.

Elliott Kalan

[51:44] Yeah.

[51:45] Foxy.

[51:46] Foxy.

[51:47] Foxy.

[51:48] We don't have time for that.

S7

[51:50] It's so easy.

[51:53] Yeah.

[51:53] Slightly extended universe

[51:55] here too.

[51:55] If you were in this movie

[51:57] and the only lines

[51:58] Vin Diesel could say

[51:59] were,

[51:59] I am Groot,

[52:00] would that have affected

[52:01] the movie at all?

[52:02] Or is the movie,

[52:03] is the movie so simple

[52:05] that it really doesn't matter

[52:06] that he could only say that?

Dan McCoy

[52:08] What do you think, Dan?

[52:10] I think the movie

[52:11] could only be improved

[52:12] by Vin Diesel

[52:14] saying the words,

[52:15] I am Groot,

[52:15] over and over again,

[52:16] especially at the scene

[52:18] where he has sex

[52:19] with those eight women.

Stuart Wellington

[52:21] A triumphant,

[52:22] I am Groot.

[52:24] Dan,

[52:24] you are kidding yourself

[52:25] if you don't think

[52:26] women make Vin Diesel

[52:28] say,

[52:28] I am Groot

[52:29] while they make love.

Elliott Kalan

[52:32] I would.

[52:33] Yeah.

[52:33] Fair point.

[52:34] Next question,

[52:35] please.

[52:37] Hi, fellas.

[52:38] Seth,

[52:39] Hey, Seth.

[52:39] There's been a lot

[52:40] of discussion tonight

Dan McCoy

[52:41] about our daddy's spy.

Elliott Kalan

[52:43] Sure.

[52:44] Which is a great name

[52:46] for a movie

[52:47] or a heartbreaking memoir?

Dan McCoy

[52:51] I figured out from context clues

[52:53] that we might be referring

[52:54] to James Bond.

[52:55] And so,

[52:56] so many spy movies...

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] Whoa, you could be a spy.

[52:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:04] So many spy movies

[53:05] define themselves

[53:07] as like not being James Bond,

[53:09] but what aspects

[53:10] of James Bond movies

[53:11] do you think

[53:11] more spy movies

[53:12] should take?

Elliott Kalan

[53:13] They should take.

[53:14] Not shouldn't.

[53:15] Yes.

[53:15] Because I have an answer

[53:16] for shouldn't,

[53:16] but I'm not sure about should.

[53:18] The shouldn't

[53:18] would be the misogyny.

[53:19] But anyway.

[53:22] But Dan,

[53:22] or Stuart,

[53:24] what's great about James Bond?

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] Well,

[53:27] I love that they all

[53:28] start media res.

[53:30] I'm a sucker for that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[53:31] You're loving media res.

[53:33] Like,

[53:34] boom,

[53:34] smash cut,

[53:35] you're in the action.

Dan McCoy

[53:38] Now,

[53:38] Dan,

[53:39] you like fancy clothes.

[53:41] Yeah,

[53:41] that's a good one.

[53:44] Let's go with that.

[53:45] I was really going through it all.

[53:46] I'm like,

[53:46] I don't like the gadgets

[53:47] because the gadgets

[53:48] make it too easy

[53:49] for him to survive.

[53:50] You don't like the gadgets?

[53:52] Gadgets,

[53:52] dude?

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] Well,

[53:54] I guess I'm not getting

[53:55] your birthday present

[53:56] of Inspector Gadget,

[53:58] the complete series.

[53:59] I guess I'll just

[54:00] throw that in the trash.

Stuart Wellington

[54:03] He's an entire man

[54:04] who's a gadget,

[54:05] Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[54:07] I'll have to get you

[54:08] the Inspector Gidget

[54:09] complete set.

Stuart Wellington

[54:10] without Inspector Gadget,

[54:12] there would be no

[54:13] penny meeting dinosaurs.

[54:17] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[54:19] Now,

[54:19] has Inspector Gadget's brain,

[54:21] that's pandering,

[54:21] has Inspector Gadget's

[54:22] brain been removed?

[54:23] They've got to make room

Elliott Kalan

[54:24] for that propeller.

Stuart Wellington

[54:27] I'm just wondering

[54:28] what's going on up there.

[54:29] Dan,

[54:29] brain is the dog?

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] Oh,

[54:32] I get it now.

[54:38] And I would say

[54:39] the song

[54:40] Live and Let Die

[54:40] should be in all

[54:41] Spine movies.

[54:43] Next question,

[54:43] please.

S8

[54:44] Anne-Marie,

Dan McCoy

[54:46] Hi, Anne-Marie.

[54:47] Hi, Anne-Marie.

[54:47] A lot of partisans

[54:49] out here.

S8

[54:50] So,

[54:51] my dad is actually

[54:51] obsessed with Triple X,

[54:53] so I guess it is

[54:54] my daddy's spy.

[54:55] He loves

[54:57] Vindie's.

[54:57] Sounds pretty cool.

[54:58] He loves Triple X.

[54:59] My sister says

[55:00] it's because of

[55:00] the heroic baldness.

[55:03] So,

[55:04] I would say

[55:04] what movie

[55:05] do you

[55:05] or your loved ones

[55:06] love for

[55:07] a baffling reason?

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] Huh.

[55:10] Hmm.

[55:11] Baffling reasons.

[55:12] Baffling.

[55:13] Oh,

[55:13] I mean,

[55:13] my dad likes

[55:14] any historical

[55:15] military movie

[55:15] in which people

[55:16] line up

[55:17] and shoot at each other

[55:19] in a prim...

[55:20] He loves movies

[55:21] where soldiers...

[55:21] Like Zulu

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] and Zuludon?

Elliott Kalan

[55:23] Or like

[55:24] The Patriot.

[55:26] Every movie

[55:27] he's liked

[55:28] back then...

[55:28] Yeah,

[55:28] but that's like

[55:29] a good movie.

[55:29] They just stood there

[55:30] and...

[55:30] No,

[55:31] no,

[55:31] that's what I'm saying

[55:31] is they're not good movies.

[55:32] But if you have

[55:33] two people who...

[55:34] If you have two rows

[55:35] of people firing muskets

[55:36] at each other

[55:36] without moving around,

[55:38] that's a movie

[55:38] from my dad.

[55:39] And he'll just tell me

[55:41] how the costumes

[55:42] looked authentic.

Dan McCoy

[55:43] My parents have

[55:45] generally

[55:45] terrific taste,

[55:47] but they are...

[55:48] Especially in Sons.

[55:50] Yeah,

[55:51] they like the other ones better.

[55:54] And that's why

[55:55] we call him

[55:56] Silver Lining Dan.

[55:59] This is not a movie,

[56:00] but...

[56:01] So they're such

[56:01] Anglophiles

[56:02] that they like

[56:03] anything British

[56:04] no matter what it is.

[56:05] So I remember

[56:06] growing up

[56:06] on PBS

[56:08] my mom watching

[56:09] Are You Being Served

[56:10] all the time.

[56:12] Which has like

[56:13] the dirtiest jokes

[56:14] about the woman

[56:14] having to go home

[56:15] and take care

[56:16] of her pussy.

[56:17] Which in the context

[56:19] of the thing

[56:20] is talking about a cat,

[56:21] but there's so many

[56:22] fucking pussy jokes

[56:23] in that...

[56:25] And my mom

[56:25] would eat it up.

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] Daniel.

[56:31] Daniel.

[56:33] Daniel.

[56:34] I think I'm gonna throw up.

[56:40] Yeah.

[56:42] Dan has collapsed

[56:43] on the floor.

[56:45] Dan has collapsed.

[56:49] So did we say...

[56:51] Dan, you're lucky

[56:51] I don't have

[56:52] my family swords with me.

[56:54] Or else you would be

[56:55] committing sepulco

[56:56] right now.

Stuart Wellington

[56:58] Now did we say

[56:59] inexplicable reasons?

[57:01] Because my father's

[57:03] reason for liking

[57:03] dancing at the Blue Iguana

[57:05] is very explicable.

[57:08] You know,

[57:09] it's this sad story

[57:10] that from my understanding

[57:11] was mainly improv

[57:12] of different women

[57:13] who act as exotic dancers

[57:15] at the club,

[57:16] the Blue Iguana.

[57:17] And it stars

[57:17] his personal favorite,

[57:19] Daryl Hannah.

[57:21] When I found that DVD box

[57:23] on the shelf,

[57:24] turned backwards

[57:25] so there was just

[57:25] a blank DVD thing.

[57:28] Very sly.

[57:29] Very sly.

[57:29] That's weird.

[57:30] Why is there a blank DVD box

[57:32] in between

[57:33] Third Rock from the Sun seasons?

[57:36] I finished season two.

[57:38] Before I jump to season three,

[57:40] should I check out

[57:41] this middle box?

[57:44] Maybe Tommy cuts his hair.

[57:46] Who knows?

[57:49] And my parents

[57:51] also have an obsession

[57:52] with my dad loves

[57:53] Corner Gas,

[57:55] the Canadian comedy show.

[57:57] And he also got really

[57:59] into Cirque du Soleil

[58:00] one year

[58:00] and got us all

[58:01] Cirque du Soleil DVDs

[58:03] for Christmas.

[58:05] I'm pretty sure

[58:06] he doesn't listen to this

[58:07] or else he would be sad.

[58:08] We'll find out.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] Let's move on

[58:11] to the next question

[58:11] before we say more

[58:12] terrible things

[58:12] about our parents.

Dan McCoy

[58:14] Hey guys,

[58:15] this is Benjamin,

[58:17] Hey Benjamin.

Stuart Wellington

[58:18] Local celebrity Benjamin.

[58:20] Hey.

[58:21] So,

Dan McCoy

[58:21] in honor of all

[58:23] the wonderful time

[58:24] that Elliot has spent

[58:25] with us here

[58:25] in the city of New York,

[58:26] I wanted to ask a question

[58:28] specifically about that.

[58:30] If you had to select

[58:31] one movie

[58:31] that you think

[58:33] most accurately

[58:34] depicts

[58:35] your experience

[58:37] with this city,

[58:38] what movie

[58:39] would you pick?

Elliott Kalan

[58:40] Oh,

[58:41] that's a good question.

[58:42] That's a good question.

[58:43] Thank you.

[58:43] Very good question.

[58:45] I'm going to jump in.

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] My answer is cocktail,

[58:47] baby.

[58:52] Featuring Elliot's

[58:53] favorite song,

[58:54] Kokomo.

Elliott Kalan

[58:55] God damn it, Dan.

[58:57] Don't even place

[58:59] the idea of that song

[59:00] in my brain.

[59:02] Now, of course,

[59:03] I wish for me

[59:03] the answer was

[59:04] T.O.P.

[59:05] 1, 2, 3,

[59:05] taking a poem 1, 2, 3.

[59:07] But,

[59:08] unfortunately,

[59:09] I did not grow up

[59:10] when New York

[59:11] was a hellhole.

[59:14] I'm going to have

[59:14] to think about that one.

[59:15] I know,

[59:16] I don't know,

[59:17] probably,

[59:17] I'm going to take

[59:18] Manhattan.

[59:23] Yeah,

[59:23] you've taken

[59:24] Manhattan by storm.

[59:25] You're a live performer.

[59:27] Mm-hmm,

[59:27] and I'm finally

[59:28] going to put on

[59:28] my big Broadway show,

[59:29] somebody's getting married.

[59:33] Somebody's getting married.

[59:34] I don't remember

[59:34] how the song went.

Dan McCoy

[59:35] It goes,

[59:36] somebody,

[59:37] somebody.

[59:37] All right.

[59:38] Okay.

[59:39] They're clearly

[59:40] putting on

[59:41] the worst

[59:41] Broadway show

[59:42] in that.

[59:44] And the plot of it

[59:46] appears to just be

[59:47] that somebody's

[59:47] getting married.

Elliott Kalan

[59:48] Yeah,

[59:48] it's just called,

[59:50] I mean,

[59:51] it's basically

[59:51] my big fat

[59:52] Greek wedding.

[59:53] Oh,

[59:54] Mamma Mia.

[59:55] Same,

Dan McCoy

[59:55] I don't care.

[59:56] Anyway,

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] I'm leaving

[59:58] this bullshit city.

[59:59] I don't need

[1:00:00] to know

[1:00:00] about that stuff.

[1:00:04] I think

Dan McCoy

[1:00:05] that Brooklyn audiences

[1:00:06] are the closest

[1:00:08] audiences to my...

[1:00:09] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:10] Good save.

[1:00:12] You guys know

[1:00:13] I'm just lashing out

[1:00:14] because it's going

[1:00:14] to be a little difficult

[1:00:15] for me to leave a place

[1:00:16] that I've lived a long time

[1:00:17] and that when I was a kid

[1:00:19] I dreamed of living in

[1:00:20] and now I'm somewhat

[1:00:21] tired of and we'll move on.

[1:00:24] Let's move to the next person

[1:00:25] and we're running low on time.

[1:00:26] So unfortunately...

[1:00:26] I can only imagine

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:27] that Elliot already has

[1:00:28] a map of LA

[1:00:29] on his bedroom wall

[1:00:30] with Popeye's locations

[1:00:31] circled.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:33] I'd be lying

[1:00:34] if I said

[1:00:35] I hadn't researched it

[1:00:36] a little.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:39] Hi, I'm Joe.

[1:00:40] Last name withheld.

[1:00:41] Hey, Joe.

[1:00:42] I'd like to play

[1:00:42] some Radio Zork.

[1:00:44] Oh boy, everybody.

[1:00:46] All right.

[1:00:48] Brave man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:49] Previous players

[1:00:51] have not been that lucky.

[1:00:52] Yeah.

[1:00:52] So to reestablish

[1:00:54] the situation,

[1:00:55] you're at the door.

[1:00:58] And I would like

[1:00:59] to choose option C.

[1:01:01] Check the handle.

[1:01:02] Okay.

[1:01:03] Okay.

[1:01:04] Interesting.

[1:01:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:06] You wiggle the handle.

[1:01:08] It appears to be locked.

[1:01:10] The room seems

[1:01:11] to be occupied.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:13] Oh, something new

[1:01:14] has been added.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:16] Wow, the mystery deepens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:17] Thank you.

[1:01:18] You stand outside the door.

[1:01:19] That was a good move.

[1:01:24] Okay.

[1:01:24] We're going to cap

[1:01:25] that question line.

[1:01:26] I don't know

[1:01:26] if we're going to get

[1:01:27] to everybody, hopefully.

[1:01:28] Anyway.

S9

[1:01:29] Hi.

[1:01:29] My name is Kenzie.

[1:01:31] My question is,

[1:01:32] Oprah and The Rock

[1:01:33] have both talked

[1:01:33] about running for president.

[1:01:34] Who, based on persona,

[1:01:36] charisma, and taste,

[1:01:37] would you say

[1:01:38] would be a good leader

[1:01:40] for our country

[1:01:40] in the future?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:42] Who will be the leader

[1:01:43] or who will be elected?

[1:01:45] I don't care.

[1:01:47] Okay, because when it comes

[1:01:49] to who, I mean,

[1:01:49] one of them is

[1:01:50] a warm, comforting figure

[1:01:53] who has enriched

[1:01:54] the lives of millions,

[1:01:55] but she's a woman,

[1:01:57] so electability

[1:02:00] is an issue.

[1:02:02] Dan, what do you think?

[1:02:02] Who would be better,

[1:02:03] Oprah or The Rock?

[1:02:05] And Stuart,

[1:02:05] who do you think

[1:02:05] would be better?

[1:02:06] Does wrestling ability

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:08] factor into it, Elliot?

[1:02:10] What?

[1:02:10] Does wrestling ability matter?

[1:02:12] I'm just saying,

[1:02:13] who's Putin going

[1:02:14] to respect more?

[1:02:15] That's true.

[1:02:16] Probably Oprah.

[1:02:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:19] Politically,

[1:02:19] I think I'd go with Oprah,

[1:02:21] but on the ability

[1:02:22] to bounce a berry

[1:02:23] off of his pec muscles,

[1:02:26] I'd have to go with The Rock.

[1:02:27] Fair, though.

[1:02:28] We don't know.

[1:02:28] Oprah could be great at that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:29] They did that in one take, Dan.

[1:02:31] What?

[1:02:32] Yeah.

[1:02:32] One take.

[1:02:33] That's why they call him

[1:02:34] Berry off the pec.

[1:02:35] That's why they call him

[1:02:35] One Take Rock.

[1:02:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:38] I don't know.

[1:02:38] I mean,

[1:02:39] here's me pandering.

[1:02:40] Either one would be doing

[1:02:41] a better job

[1:02:42] than the current,

[1:02:42] a guy.

[1:02:43] Woo!

[1:02:45] But you could say that

[1:02:46] about anyone in this room.

[1:02:50] Anyone in this city

[1:02:52] now that he's not in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:53] What?

[1:02:53] I said,

[1:02:54] even Joe,

[1:02:54] and I pointed over here

[1:02:55] in the hopes that there was

[1:02:56] someone named Joe over there

[1:02:57] that thought that I was

[1:02:58] talking about them

[1:02:59] for a second.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:01] Anyway,

[1:03:02] thank you for the question.

[1:03:02] I feel like we didn't

[1:03:03] really answer it,

[1:03:03] but that's okay.

[1:03:04] Moving on.

S7

[1:03:06] Hi,

[1:03:06] Jonathan,

[1:03:07] last name withheld.

[1:03:07] Everyone has a trope

[1:03:08] in movies that they really hate.

[1:03:10] Has a director

[1:03:10] ever done that trope

[1:03:12] in a way

[1:03:12] or subverted it

[1:03:13] that you actually liked?

[1:03:14] Or if you can't think of that,

[1:03:16] do you have a vision

[1:03:16] in your head

[1:03:17] for how that trope

[1:03:18] could be done well

[1:03:19] that you would enjoy it?

[1:03:21] Oh, boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:23] It's always the good questions

[1:03:25] that are hard to answer.

[1:03:26] Yeah, that's true.

[1:03:26] Usually,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:27] I really don't like it

[1:03:29] when movies start

[1:03:30] with a voiceover

[1:03:31] explaining all kinds

[1:03:32] of bullshit and prophecy,

[1:03:35] but Fellowship of the Ring

[1:03:37] has a great opening.

[1:03:42] That's it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:43] It's great.

[1:03:44] Go watch that.

[1:03:45] I'll tell you something

[1:03:45] I don't like in trailers.

[1:03:47] I'm going to fudge the rules a little.

[1:03:48] It's when they cut together

[1:03:50] a montage of people

[1:03:50] saying the main character

[1:03:51] is if that means

[1:03:53] the character's super exciting.

[1:03:54] Like, all these people

[1:03:55] are talking about Hudson Hawk.

[1:03:57] He must be the coolest guy

[1:03:58] in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:59] But the counterpoint is

[1:04:01] what trailer has done that well?

[1:04:03] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:03] And you can't say Hudson Hawk.

[1:04:05] No, I can't.

[1:04:06] So I think I'm just

[1:04:07] going to have to say...

[1:04:08] I mean, I kind of think

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] the Baby Driver trailer

[1:04:11] does that well

[1:04:12] where they just say

[1:04:13] baby a bunch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] Okay, I could see that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:15] At least that is...

[1:04:18] Because it's got my boy

[1:04:19] Ansel Hall toward it.

[1:04:20] Wait, is he here?

[1:04:21] I reserved a seat for him.

[1:04:23] I didn't come.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:24] I bet there's a way

[1:04:25] to do it where

[1:04:26] the people...

[1:04:27] Yeah, maybe that's

[1:04:28] the best one.

[1:04:28] Where it sounds exciting.

[1:04:29] Like, who is this character?

[1:04:30] Rather than like...

[1:04:31] Yeah, they say his name

[1:04:32] a lot in the movies.

[1:04:32] The main character

[1:04:33] of the movie.

[1:04:34] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:35] We gave you time, Dan.

[1:04:36] I can't think of anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:37] Can I sing a song

[1:04:39] in lieu of...

[1:04:39] No.

[1:04:40] Next question, please.

[1:04:42] We don't have time

[1:04:43] for songs.

[1:04:43] That's why I didn't sing one.

[1:04:46] It's...

[1:04:46] Or will I?

[1:04:48] Oh, Christ.

[1:04:49] No.

[1:04:50] We don't have time.

[1:04:51] Moving along.

S9

[1:04:51] We don't have time.

[1:04:52] Okay.

[1:04:52] This is about efficiency now.

[1:04:54] It's me.

[1:04:54] It's Liz.

[1:04:56] Hey, Liz.

[1:04:57] I wasn't going to ask a question,

[1:04:59] but the person I was seated next to

[1:05:00] who I don't think...

[1:05:02] I don't remember meeting

[1:05:03] asked me...

[1:05:03] Turn it into a story.

[1:05:04] Are you the Liz

[1:05:05] who asked all the questions

[1:05:06] during the live show?

[1:05:07] And I said, yes.

[1:05:07] Okay, so here...

[1:05:08] Pretend it's yours.

[1:05:09] Here, a couple of years ago,

[1:05:11] Netflix miscategorized

[1:05:13] Jennifer Kent's

[1:05:14] modern horror classic,

[1:05:15] The Babadook,

[1:05:15] as an LGBT movie.

[1:05:17] Yeah.

[1:05:18] Now, since then...

[1:05:19] Miscategorized?

[1:05:21] I know, right?

[1:05:22] Well, yeah, you're...

[1:05:22] Exactly.

[1:05:23] Question, please.

[1:05:25] So, since then,

[1:05:26] the Babadook himself

[1:05:28] has emerged as an icon

[1:05:29] of the gay community.

[1:05:30] So, I thought,

[1:05:31] who better to ask

[1:05:32] than three straight men

[1:05:33] who is going to be

[1:05:36] the next big gay horror icon?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:39] Oh, good question.

[1:05:43] I'm going to tell you.

[1:05:45] I think it's going to be...

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:45] Before that stovepipe daddy.

[1:05:49] Stovepipe daddy.

[1:05:50] They call him Abes

[1:05:51] in the community.

[1:05:53] Before the Babadook,

[1:05:54] it was, what,

[1:05:54] Freddie from Nightmare

[1:05:56] on Elm Street,

[1:05:57] Parju, thank you

[1:05:57] for confirming that.

[1:05:58] The second movie,

[1:05:58] specifically, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:00] And, I mean,

[1:06:01] like, the Cinebites

[1:06:02] are kind of into that,

[1:06:03] like, whole, like,

[1:06:04] leather scene a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:05] They're kind of pansexual.

[1:06:06] Yeah.

[1:06:06] Yeah, leather is equivalent

[1:06:07] to homosexuality.

[1:06:10] That's a stereotype

[1:06:11] we can play into.

[1:06:12] Sure, Mr. Cruzen.

[1:06:13] Anyway,

[1:06:13] I'm going to say...

[1:06:16] I just hope my experience

Dan McCoy

[1:06:17] of homosexuality

[1:06:18] comes from

[1:06:18] police academy movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:21] I'm going to say

[1:06:22] that this current

[1:06:24] universal reboot

[1:06:25] of the Monster Universe

[1:06:26] is going to fail.

[1:06:27] And the next one,

[1:06:29] which hopefully

[1:06:30] I will have something

[1:06:31] to do with,

[1:06:32] will finally involve

[1:06:35] the gay Dracula

[1:06:36] that America has needed

[1:06:37] for so long.

[1:06:40] And he's going to be so...

[1:06:42] He's going to be

[1:06:43] so incredibly sexy,

[1:06:45] but he's still

[1:06:46] going to be Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:48] Dracula's have

[1:06:49] so much appeal, Elliot,

[1:06:50] because they appeal

[1:06:51] to olds

[1:06:52] because they get

[1:06:53] to imagine, like,

[1:06:54] I get to be old

[1:06:55] and I look young and hot.

[1:06:58] But for the young folks,

[1:06:59] they're like,

[1:07:00] I get to be like me,

[1:07:01] young and hot,

[1:07:02] but I'm smart

[1:07:03] and experienced

[1:07:04] and old.

[1:07:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:05] And people are like,

[1:07:07] I want to earn

[1:07:07] one of those medals

[1:07:08] he's wearing

[1:07:08] around his neck.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:11] I think we may

[1:07:13] just have room

[1:07:14] for one more.

[1:07:14] I think one more question

[1:07:15] unfortunately.

[1:07:15] I'm sorry.

[1:07:16] We're sorry for everyone

[1:07:17] who got in line.

[1:07:18] Apologies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:18] We're running tight

[1:07:19] unfortunately.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] There's a complaint

[1:07:22] to Dan over Twitter?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:23] I'll tell you what.

[1:07:24] At Dan K. McCoy.

[1:07:25] If you four people

[1:07:27] who are waiting in line

[1:07:28] who don't get a chance

[1:07:29] send an email

[1:07:30] to the Flophouse email thing,

[1:07:32] make sure to note

[1:07:32] that you were here

[1:07:33] and didn't get

[1:07:34] your question asked

[1:07:34] and we'll try

[1:07:35] to answer it on the question.

[1:07:36] Yeah, I'll make

[1:07:36] that promise right now.

[1:07:37] We'll make that priority

[1:07:38] over the other ones.

[1:07:39] Put it in the subject line.

[1:07:40] It's not the same I know,

[1:07:42] but we'll try to guess

[1:07:44] what your voices sound like

[1:07:45] and Dan will read it

[1:07:46] like that.

[1:07:48] What?

[1:07:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:51] Pocket square stuff.

[1:07:51] Anyway.

[1:07:53] So last question.

[1:07:54] A lot of pressure.

S10

[1:07:55] Oh, gosh.

[1:07:56] Hi.

[1:07:57] Hi, Peaches.

[1:07:58] Claire, last name with hell.

[1:07:59] Hi, Claire.

[1:08:00] When I watched Tarzan Singh's

[1:08:02] The Fall,

[1:08:02] I remember why I want

[1:08:03] to be a cinematographer

[1:08:04] and I wanted to know

[1:08:06] if there's anything

[1:08:06] that when you see

[1:08:07] you get jazzed

[1:08:08] about something

[1:08:09] you're passionate about,

[1:08:10] not necessarily career related.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:13] Oh.

[1:08:15] Well, I mean,

[1:08:15] when I saw The Fall,

[1:08:16] I was super jazzed

[1:08:16] about The Fall.

[1:08:17] That's a great movie.

[1:08:19] That's super great.

[1:08:21] I don't know.

[1:08:22] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:23] kind of recently,

[1:08:24] this is not a joke answer,

[1:08:26] but recently reading

[1:08:27] the comic book

[1:08:29] Prophet by Brandon Graham

[1:08:30] kind of reminded me

[1:08:31] why I love comics

[1:08:33] and made me want to

[1:08:34] make stuff

[1:08:35] and do stuff.

[1:08:36] It's great.

[1:08:37] Go check it out.

[1:08:38] I had,

[1:08:39] oh, sorry,

Dan McCoy

[1:08:39] Dan, you can go.

[1:08:40] I discovered

[1:08:42] that there's a series

[1:08:43] on YouTube.

[1:08:45] I actually posted this

[1:08:46] to the Facebook group

[1:08:47] and I was talking

[1:08:47] about it backstage

[1:08:48] called Playing Shakespeare.

[1:08:50] It's a BBC program

[1:08:52] from 1982

[1:08:53] the Royal Shakespeare Company

[1:08:55] put out

[1:08:55] and you can see

[1:08:56] a young Ben Kingsley,

[1:08:58] a young Ian McKellen,

[1:08:59] a young Patrick Stewart.

[1:09:00] And their bodies

[1:09:01] are tight as hell.

[1:09:03] Yeah.

[1:09:03] Right?

[1:09:05] You could bounce

[1:09:06] a berry off

[1:09:07] Patrick Stewart's pecs.

[1:09:08] Oh, would I?

[1:09:10] And it's got

[1:09:11] John Barton,

[1:09:12] the director,

[1:09:13] explaining how to act

[1:09:14] in Shakespeare

[1:09:14] and doing it

[1:09:15] with such clarity

[1:09:16] and intelligence

[1:09:17] and it reminded me

[1:09:19] of when I acted

[1:09:20] a long time ago

[1:09:22] and it made me

[1:09:24] want to act again,

[1:09:26] which I probably

[1:09:27] will not have

[1:09:27] the chance to do,

[1:09:28] but it really

[1:09:29] rekindled my passion

[1:09:30] for that sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:32] That's really nice.

[1:09:34] I am also not

[1:09:35] going to have

[1:09:36] a funny answer.

[1:09:38] This is a true story

[1:09:39] that really happened

[1:09:40] to me

[1:09:40] with a movie

[1:09:42] that I don't know

[1:09:42] what you guys

[1:09:43] think about it

[1:09:44] and I don't know.

[1:09:44] Anyway,

[1:09:45] there was a time

[1:09:46] when I worked

[1:09:46] at a show

[1:09:47] called The Daily Show

[1:09:47] with Jon Stewart

[1:09:48] and it was ending

[1:09:49] and I had to make

[1:09:50] a decision about

[1:09:50] whether I was

[1:09:51] going to stick around

[1:09:52] or whether I was

[1:09:52] going to do

[1:09:53] something else

[1:09:53] and I was a little

[1:09:55] burned out

[1:09:55] on doing new stuff

[1:09:56] but it was still

[1:09:58] a good job

[1:09:58] and it was fun

[1:09:59] and I liked

[1:09:59] all the people there.

[1:10:01] Even Dan?

[1:10:02] What?

[1:10:02] Even Dan?

[1:10:03] Even?

[1:10:04] Even?

[1:10:05] Yeah.

[1:10:06] Against all odds

[1:10:07] and I'm just kidding.

[1:10:10] I'm just fucking

[1:10:10] with you, dude.

[1:10:11] Yeah, come on.

[1:10:12] We can do that.

[1:10:12] You're friends.

[1:10:13] Anyway,

[1:10:13] we're your friends

[1:10:15] which means we hate

[1:10:16] you a little bit.

[1:10:17] Just kidding.

[1:10:18] But I went,

[1:10:20] we had a week off

[1:10:20] and I went to go

[1:10:21] see a movie

[1:10:22] called It Follows

[1:10:23] and that's a movie

[1:10:25] that you can take,

[1:10:26] from a sheer monster

[1:10:28] thing,

[1:10:29] it's inconsistent.

[1:10:30] But there's a moment

[1:10:31] at the end of that movie

[1:10:32] where,

[1:10:33] so I don't want

[1:10:33] to spoil it,

[1:10:34] but the two main characters

[1:10:36] have made a pair bond

[1:10:37] you might say

[1:10:38] that was not,

[1:10:39] was not something

[1:10:40] that is partly

[1:10:42] through emotion

[1:10:42] and partly through just

[1:10:43] they're in the same situation

[1:10:45] and there's a thing

[1:10:46] falling behind them

[1:10:47] that might be

[1:10:47] the it that's falling them.

[1:10:48] It's shot blurry

[1:10:49] in the back,

[1:10:50] you don't know.

[1:10:50] And it struck me

[1:10:51] at that moment,

[1:10:52] this movie is about

[1:10:53] relationships

[1:10:54] and how death

[1:10:55] is coming for all of us

[1:10:56] and the only way

[1:10:57] to combat that

[1:10:58] in our lives

[1:10:59] is to

[1:10:59] find another person

[1:11:01] to have some sort

[1:11:02] of relationship with,

[1:11:03] whether it's romantic or not.

[1:11:04] And that is the only hedge

[1:11:05] against the knowledge

[1:11:06] of death.

[1:11:07] And I remember

[1:11:07] walking out of that movie

[1:11:09] and thinking

[1:11:09] there's another way

[1:11:10] to tell stories

[1:11:12] and there's much more

[1:11:13] out there

[1:11:13] than like

[1:11:14] what I've been doing

[1:11:15] and I gotta

[1:11:16] try for it.

[1:11:18] And so

[1:11:18] then I went on

[1:11:19] to Mystery Science

[1:11:20] Thee of 2000

[1:11:20] which did not really

[1:11:21] get across the idea

[1:11:22] of hair bonding

[1:11:23] for death,

[1:11:24] but it was like,

[1:11:27] like,

[1:11:27] but that was

[1:11:28] the closest thing

[1:11:29] for me I feel like

[1:11:29] in the past few years

[1:11:30] where I saw something

[1:11:31] and I was like,

[1:11:32] and it was like

[1:11:32] a door opened up

[1:11:33] in front of me

[1:11:34] and I was like,

Dan McCoy

[1:11:35] oh,

[1:11:36] okay.

[1:11:37] Like there's other stuff

[1:11:38] out there.

[1:11:39] It's full of stars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:39] Oh my God,

[1:11:40] it's full of stars.

[1:11:41] And now I'm a big baby?

[1:11:45] Elliot's a big baby.

[1:11:47] So.

[1:11:48] So if you're wondering

[1:11:48] why I'm a big baby,

[1:11:50] it's It Follows.

[1:11:52] Well,

[1:11:52] anyway,

[1:11:53] that was,

[1:11:54] I felt like I

[1:11:55] got a little more vulnerable

[1:11:56] than I wanted to

[1:11:56] in that moment.

[1:11:57] That's okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:04] Don't,

[1:12:05] don't worry.

[1:12:06] I'll cover for you

[1:12:07] by ending the show.

[1:12:10] I appreciate that.

[1:12:11] Yeah.

[1:12:12] Thank you so much.

[1:12:12] it was pretty subtle,

[1:12:13] Dan.

[1:12:14] Thanks for all the questions,

[1:12:14] everybody.

[1:12:15] As always,

[1:12:16] as always getting

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:21] questions like this

[1:12:23] when you're standing

[1:12:24] on stage,

[1:12:24] you're like,

[1:12:25] oh,

[1:12:25] duh,

[1:12:26] what am I going to say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:28] We appreciate

[1:12:29] really so much

[1:12:29] that everyone came out

[1:12:30] to see us

[1:12:31] and that hope you guys

[1:12:33] had a good time

[1:12:33] and I don't know,

[1:12:36] it's just very special

[1:12:36] to do this for four people,

[1:12:37] you know?

[1:12:38] Yeah.

[1:12:39] So Dan,

[1:12:40] aww,

[1:12:42] aww,

[1:12:44] aww,

[1:12:46] aww,

[1:12:47] aww.

[1:12:51] That was a

[1:12:51] three-person hug

[1:12:53] for the listeners at home.

[1:12:54] That was,

[1:12:54] oh yeah,

[1:12:54] we were all hugging.

[1:12:55] I forgot we were

[1:12:56] recording this.

[1:12:57] You just missed

[1:12:59] a big hug.

[1:13:00] It's like,

[1:13:02] I heard online,

[1:13:04] so...

[1:13:04] I remember you said

[1:13:05] we're going to end the show

[1:13:06] and now you've got

[1:13:07] an online story?

[1:13:08] Who wanted to see

[1:13:09] Who Meet a Dinosaur,

[1:13:10] Dan?

[1:13:12] There,

Dan McCoy

[1:13:13] this is not worth

[1:13:14] going into

[1:13:14] at this point in the show.

[1:13:16] Why are we doing it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:18] And why are we

[1:13:19] spending time

[1:13:20] calling that out?

Dan McCoy

[1:13:21] I heard online

[1:13:21] like some audio

[1:13:23] from an old LP

[1:13:24] that was

[1:13:25] from the 70s

[1:13:26] that was porn

[1:13:27] It was like

[1:13:29] a pornographic

[1:13:30] record.

[1:13:32] What are we doing now?

[1:13:33] This could not be

[1:13:34] less appropriate

[1:13:35] for the moment.

[1:13:38] And it was

[1:13:39] it was just

[1:13:41] people having sex

[1:13:42] and describing it

[1:13:43] as they were doing it.

[1:13:46] And we did the

[1:13:48] very sweet,

[1:13:49] very vulnerable,

[1:13:50] very nice,

[1:13:50] very non-sexual

[1:13:51] version of that.

[1:13:53] I don't,

[1:13:53] I mean,

[1:13:54] I don't know

[1:13:54] about non-sexual.

[1:13:57] We've been

[1:13:57] lingering too long

[1:13:58] and I wasted

[1:13:59] time with that.

[1:14:00] Yes.

[1:14:01] So,

[1:14:01] we've got another

[1:14:02] show to do.

[1:14:03] You've all been

[1:14:04] very wonderful.

[1:14:05] Thanks so much,

[1:14:06] guys.

[1:14:06] Thank you so much.

[1:14:07] Thanks for coming.

[1:14:09] We'll see you

[1:14:09] another time.

[1:14:10] so, yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:36] what do you have

[1:14:36] for lunch today, Elliot?

[1:14:37] I had Pad C.U.

[1:14:39] with chicken.

[1:14:40] They gave me

[1:14:40] too much

[1:14:41] and I did not

[1:14:41] finish it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:42] Too much chicken

[1:14:43] or too much

[1:14:43] Pad C.U.?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:44] Too much noodle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:45] Oh, wow.

[1:14:46] What about you, Stu?

[1:14:47] I grabbed a

[1:14:48] Shaq burger

[1:14:49] on my way

[1:14:49] to Badlands

[1:14:50] Hair Salon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:51] Oh, made a

[1:14:52] Shaquille O'Neal

[1:14:52] meat?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:53] Yep, it was

[1:14:53] delicious.

[1:14:54] Oh, what about

[1:14:55] you, Dan?

[1:14:55] Although now

[1:14:56] I don't believe

[1:14:58] the earth is round

[1:14:59] anymore for some

[1:15:00] reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:00] You have an

[1:15:01] urge to be

[1:15:01] a Florida

[1:15:02] sheriff.

[1:15:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:05] Maximumfun.org

[1:15:06] Comedy and culture.

[1:15:08] Artist owned.

[1:15:09] Listener supported.

Ep. #238 - xXx: The Return of Xander Cage LIVE

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