Ep, #239 - Ghost in the Shell

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Ghost in the Shell.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] Was this the ghost with the most or the shell with the smell?

[0:09] Nice.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:38] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:39] Beep, boop, I am Stuart Wellington, ultimate otaku.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] And from all the way on the west coast of the United States of America,

[0:47] it's me, Elliot Kalin, Los Angeles edition.

[0:51] Cue theme music.

[0:52] Wait, hold on.

[1:01] You have to wait.

[1:02] Hold on.

[1:02] Could you see all the images of me in a convertible and babes in bikinis?

[1:06] Yep.

[1:07] Okay, good.

[1:08] Okay, that's what that was all supposed to be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] A couple of shots of hazy palm trees.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] Yep, you know it.

[1:13] A surfer off in the distance.

[1:15] Is that Elliot?

[1:15] It's not.

[1:16] And then there's a dog catching a frisbee for some reason.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19] A California raisin hanging tan.

[1:25] You're like, why would he go in the water?

[1:27] He's going to turn into a grape.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] Yeah, this is the first episode that we're recording on different coasts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35] Real quick, Dan, this is important.

[1:36] If you throw a bunch of raisins in the water, they transform back into grapes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41] Yeah, it's called Benjamin buttoning them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] Okay.

[1:45] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:46] Let me go check the signs on that.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] Dan, you're our science guy.

[1:50] Can you check it?

[1:53] All right.

[1:53] I think that what you get is a bunch of soggy raisins, actually.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56] Enough fooling around, Dan.

[1:58] What do we do on this podcast?

[1:59] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:02] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:07] We otaku about it?

[2:10] Whoa.

[2:11] This week we talked about Ghost in the Shell.

[2:13] No, no, no, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[2:14] Well, we're about to talk about it.

[2:15] We haven't talked about it yet.

[2:16] Thank you, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] I was about to correct Dan's tense.

[2:19] Good night, everyone.

[2:20] And I'm glad you were on it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] Thanks for listening.

[2:22] Dan, the only way that that's true that we talked about it is because I'm three hours

[2:25] behind you on the other part of the country.

[2:28] Oh, okay.

[2:28] But even then, it doesn't quite make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[2:30] That's some pretty deep science fiction you're talking about there, Elliot.

[2:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] Oh, the things we have to warn you about.

[2:35] The science fiction of time zones.

[2:37] Just like my new science fiction novel series, Time Zone Cop.

[2:42] He's a cop who solves mysteries that involve time differences.

[2:46] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[2:47] He's like, wait a minute.

[2:49] That plane was in the air at midnight and somebody fed a mogwai.

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] I cracked the gate.

[2:58] Mystery?

[3:00] What possible mystery could this be?

[3:03] The case of how a gremlin got on a plane?

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:07] He's like, there's no way they would have let him on that plane.

[3:10] He's a gremlin.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:12] Also, he was carrying more than three ounces of water.

[3:14] And he's got a mogwai's passport on him.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] That's the reason they don't let you take water on planes, because you might drop it on

[3:21] a gremlin or a mogwai.

[3:23] Suddenly, they're multiplying.

Dan McCoy

[3:24] Or drop it on a raisin, and suddenly, you got a soggy raisin.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:28] And how is that raisin going to sing a doo-wop song if it's all covered in water?

[3:32] It can't.

Stuart Wellington

[3:34] I mean, I'm assuming they would let a mogwai on a plane, even if it was going to be after

[3:38] midnight, because they're like, who likes airline food?

[3:41] Am I right?

[3:43] Oh, okay.

[3:44] Am I right, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] Wait, what is that?

[3:47] Oh, I see.

[3:47] Because he wouldn't eat.

[3:48] I get you.

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:49] Okay.

[3:52] I get it.

[3:55] Well, I guess that's the end of the podcast, everybody.

[4:00] We're good.

[4:02] We're shutting down shop.

[4:04] The Flophouse has been condemned.

[4:07] Dan, so what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:09] We already said that.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] No, you said we talked about a movie.

Dan McCoy

[4:13] All right.

[4:14] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[4:17] And on this episode, we're going to talk about...

[4:19] Thank you.

[4:20] ...Ghost in the Shell.

Stuart Wellington

[4:22] A movie that we just downloaded into our eyeball brains sometime recently.

Elliott Kalan

[4:28] Now, there's a big controversy, as everyone may know already, about Ghost in the Shell,

[4:33] because it's based on a Japanese cartoon based on a comic book from Japan.

[4:37] But almost everybody in the movie is not Japanese.

[4:41] But they still have Japanese names?

[4:44] Yeah.

[4:46] Kind of, yeah.

[4:47] Dan, explain.

Dan McCoy

[4:48] By all means, let us, as three white guys, talk about this controversy.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] That seems like...

[4:54] It seems like we would just be endorsing our own privilege by taking our privilege of not

[4:59] having to talk about it.

[5:01] That's true.

[5:01] Yeah, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] Why did they do this?

[5:05] Is that what you're asking?

[5:06] Why'd they do it?

[5:07] So it could have appeal at home and abroad.

[5:12] They did it because it's a big, expensive movie, and they thought, like Scarlett Johansson,

[5:17] we get butts in seats.

[5:18] But they were wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] Dan says sadly.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] Well, let's talk about what's in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] I mean, it's not uncommon for any kind of adaption to, when you're going to adapt something

[5:35] from a different culture to your own culture in a way, to change the ethnicity.

[5:40] But that's the only thing they change about it, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Everything else seems to very clearly take place in...

[5:46] Like, they didn't de-Japanify anything about it other than the ethnicities of the leads,

[5:51] which leads to a strange set of juxtapositions.

[5:57] But, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[6:00] I don't know what he's talking about, but...

[6:03] Okay.

[6:03] Well, anyway...

[6:04] He said that in such a pregnant pause way that I thought there was, like...

Elliott Kalan

[6:07] Guys, I got some big news.

[6:09] I got some big news.

[6:11] What's that?

[6:11] My pause is pregnant.

[6:13] Oh, wow.

[6:14] Yeah.

[6:15] I guess congratulations.

[6:16] Thank you very much.

[6:17] Was this planned?

[6:18] No, it was a little bit of a surprise.

[6:20] But me and my pause, we've been thinking about starting a family for a long time.

[6:27] Yeah.

[6:28] Well, that's a joke.

[6:30] There it was, Dan.

[6:32] Anyway.

[6:32] Okay.

[6:33] Enough of me wasting...

Stuart Wellington

[6:34] You know, people were worried that when we started remote recording, we wouldn't miss a beat.

[6:38] Well, they were wrong.

[6:39] We missed a couple.

Elliott Kalan

[6:40] We missed many beats.

[6:41] Let's talk about what's in the movie, then, huh?

[6:43] Ghost in the Shell.

[6:44] So, we start with our favorite opening thing, a text crawl that explains a little bit about what the future is like.

[6:50] Now, luckily, it does not start with a voiceover of Scarlett Johansson being like, you know, my mother told me, da-da-da-da-da.

[6:56] But that's only because she doesn't remember her mother.

[6:59] The text tells us that in the future, basically, people are becoming more and more cyborg, and the government is putting a human brain in a robot body.

[7:08] Then this...

[7:08] Get out of here.

[7:10] Oh, yeah.

[7:11] They take these surgeons that all have, like, digital amplifier waves over their faces.

[7:17] We see them take out a human brain and put it in a plastic body that, for some reason, has boobs.

[7:22] And then they put a layer of skin over it that looks kind of like a milk liquid.

[7:25] And then the milk liquid flakes away, and there's a very pale, nude, nipple-less Scarlett Johansson underneath.

[7:33] And there's lots of, like, electronic choral music, like we're watching the birth of a new stage in evolution.

[7:37] This is the most amazing thing that's ever happened.

[7:41] So, Dan, I guess what I'm saying is, why did they give this robot boobs?

Dan McCoy

[7:45] But no nipples?

[7:46] That's the real question.

[7:48] I mean, what...

[7:48] I feel like...

[7:49] I feel like the boobs, like, you're trying to just, you know, make the robot blend in in society.

[7:55] But then if you don't...

[7:56] You forget the nipples, then there's a key component of this disguise that you...

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] I mean, that only comes in...

Stuart Wellington

[8:02] Like, how deep cover is she trying to go under?

Elliott Kalan

[8:04] I don't know.

[8:05] I mean, that would only come into play if she was solving a crime at a nude beach, I guess.

[8:09] Like in...

[8:09] Yep.

[8:10] Like in...

[8:10] Like in a...

[8:11] A bikini car wash?

[8:12] What's a...

[8:13] Why can I not...

[8:14] A shot in the dark.

[8:15] Thank you.

[8:16] I kept thinking, A Scent of Something.

[8:17] And I'm like, that's not what...

[8:19] That's not a Clueso movie.

[8:20] A Scent of Pink Panther.

[8:23] Scent of the Pink Panther.

[8:25] Oh, no.

[8:27] Yes.

[8:27] She's...

[8:28] So, anything that involved toplessness, she's just going to get caught out right away.

[8:31] Which, as we see, though, her main crime-fighting technique is to take off her clothes and go invisible.

[8:38] So, maybe they're just thinking she's going to be invisible, so no one's going to notice she doesn't have nipples anyway.

Dan McCoy

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:43] This is the most important question about the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:46] Dan, you pointed out earlier that we're three guys, so we were wondering about this.

[8:50] Now, Scarlett Johansson wakes up.

[8:52] She's told that she died in a refugee boat that was sinking.

[8:55] And her French doctor explains to her...

[8:57] Killed by terrorists.

[8:58] And that her...

[8:59] Yeah, refugees were killed by terrorists.

[9:01] And the French doctor explains to her basically what we already know, that she's a human brain in a robo-body.

[9:07] And then it gets explained again.

[9:09] So, the movie has to...

[9:10] The concept of a human brain in a robot body, which I feel like it's not that hard a concept to figure out.

[9:17] It gets explained, like, three or four times pretty early in the movie.

[9:22] Did you guys have trouble?

[9:23] Was it not until the last explanation that you were like, oh, I get it.

[9:28] They put a person's brain in a robot.

Stuart Wellington

[9:31] Yeah.

[9:31] I mean, she doesn't look like a robot.

Dan McCoy

[9:34] You said she had boobs, right?

[9:35] Most of.

[9:36] I mean, robots have had breasts for millennia.

[9:39] I guess RoboCop did, too.

[9:41] I mean, basically just since Metropolis.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Yeah, that's what I meant.

[9:46] Millennia.

[9:46] Metropolis.

[9:46] For thousands of years, robots fed boobs.

[9:50] Today on the History Channel, ancient robot boobs.

[9:52] What archaeologists are discovering now.

Stuart Wellington

[9:55] Yeah, I mean, it feels like the type of person that's going to go and plunk down some hard-earned cash at the Cineplex to go see a movie called Ghost in the Shell probably is going to grasp onto the idea that that character is a robot with a human's brain in it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] Unless the whole time they're like, when's this ghost going to climb into this shell?

[10:19] Like, they think it's going to be about a ghost of a hermit crab that's just looking for the right shell.

[10:23] Yeah, he's just switched his shell.

[10:25] Yeah.

[10:26] And it turns out the shell he was looking for was inside him all along.

[10:30] Oh, that's really interesting.

[10:32] Wait, as a ghost?

[10:33] Yeah, and then he can go to hermit crab heaven, which is the name of my Jimmy Buffett-themed meat shack.

[10:40] Try the Herm Burger.

Stuart Wellington

[10:42] It's pretty tasty.

[10:43] It's really weird, though, that you're eating a burger made out of hermit crabs at a place called Hermit Crab Heaven.

[10:50] Well, there's no better heaven than the human digestive tract.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] It seems like, size-wise, you need to harvest a lot of hermit crabs.

[11:00] Oh, yeah.

[11:00] One patty takes a number of hermit crabs.

[11:02] But you barely even notice how small the patties are because we put a heaping help in a surf sauce on there.

[11:08] Okay.

[11:09] And surf sauce is really where the tang comes in, that tasty tang you only get at Hermit Crab Heaven.

[11:13] Hermit Crab Heaven?

[11:15] Yeah, because it's made of tang.

[11:16] Yeah.

[11:16] Oh, man, you beat me to it.

Stuart Wellington

[11:18] Now, is that hermit crab burger, is that like that one French king, the sun king, who would make a casserole out of peacock brains?

[11:26] And you're like, how many peacocks did he have to kill?

[11:29] That's crazy.

[11:30] It is exactly like that.

Dan McCoy

[11:32] Peacocks were like rats back in the olden days.

[11:34] They were all over the place.

Stuart Wellington

[11:36] Mm-hmm.

[11:36] Oh, yeah.

[11:36] And if you slap some ooze on them, they'll learn kung fu and teach some turtles.

Elliott Kalan

[11:42] Those are the main things that peacocks and rats have in common, is their reaction to ooze and kung fu.

[11:48] So, we find that we are in a city of the future.

[11:52] Back to the movie.

[11:53] It's basically Metropolis meets-

[11:55] Back to the future.

[11:55] No, no.

[11:56] I mean, back to the-

[11:57] Oh, boy.

[11:58] We're in one of your standard cities of the future.

[12:00] It's like Metropolis meets Blade Runner meets the Lego movie meets like a Hot Wheels track, and there's like hologram advertisements everywhere.

[12:07] The whole movie, and this sets the stage for what I would call too late visionariness, where it's like-

[12:15] We had talked about this many, many episodes back with the Hansel and Gretel movie, where it was like, if I hadn't seen this exact type of future cities design so many times, I'd be like, wow, this is really cool.

[12:26] Like, on the face of it, it's pretty cool.

[12:28] There's big hologram advertisements and multi-level highways and things like that, but I've seen it so many times at this point.

Dan McCoy

[12:36] So many times.

[12:37] Like, Hansel and Gretel, like, if you hadn't seen Evil Dead 2 and you weren't aware that Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter existed, then-

[12:48] You'd be like, this is a cool idea.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:51] I mean, not that Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is a good book or movie, but it is, you know, the same sort of thing.

[13:00] I know.

[13:00] I've never read the book.

[13:01] I guess I'm just talking about it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] Oh, somebody's judging without having actually seen it.

[13:06] Yeah, that's true.

[13:06] Well, well, well.

[13:07] Looks like you're like one of those internet reviewers, or I guess internet commenters, who gets mad when people review superhero movies negatively, even though they haven't seen the movie yet.

[13:18] Mm-hmm.

[13:18] I'm exactly like that.

[13:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:20] That's what Dan Spence is, wait, Thursday before Friday night's doing when a hot new Marvel property comes out, or when a DC movie gets a bad review.

[13:30] You're like, you're just being paid by Marvel.

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] You just hate comic books and all superheroes.

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] That's why every time you see a movie critic who reviews DC movies poorly, that's why they're driving around in, like, Lambos, and they're just spending all this crazy money, because Marvel just pays them, dude.

Dan McCoy

[13:51] Yeah, like, you know, like, climate change scientists are just in it for the grant money.

[13:56] Like, that's why you see them living it up.

[13:58] You know?

[13:59] Looping it up.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] At the Hotel California.

[14:01] Living it up.

[14:03] Conveniently located to Hermit Crab Heaven, my burger shack.

[14:07] Good.

[14:08] Right on the beach.

[14:09] So, anyway.

[14:11] So, Scarlett Johansson's character is called Major, and she is a major weapon in the fight against crime and terrorism.

[14:19] Oh.

[14:20] And we see her on a mission where she has to go into, like, a robo-geisha house full of incredibly frightening robo-geishas.

[14:27] And let me say one thing here.

[14:29] The Ghost in the Shell movie, the original one, the cartoon, I haven't seen it since it came out.

[14:33] I don't remember it super well.

[14:35] I don't remember loving it at the time.

[14:37] And so, any design stuff that's taken from that movie, it's like, all right, that was a long time ago.

[14:42] But even then, that kind of stuff was fairly well-tried and ground after Blade Runner and things like that.

[14:47] So, if I'm to say that the robo-geishas are incredibly frightening looking and not at all sexy, maybe they're meant to be that way because of the original source material.

[14:57] They're supposed to be horrifying.

[14:58] But you have these, like, rich guys hanging out in a bar that's staffed by these horrifically scary robots wearing huge wigs and geisha robes.

[15:06] And you're like, this is a weird place to relax.

[15:09] I would not be able to stay calm in this place.

Stuart Wellington

[15:12] Well, isn't one of those guys, one of those business guys played by Michael Wincott?

[15:16] Yeah.

[15:17] Yeah, he's terrifying, too.

[15:19] Yeah, he's like, I want to be among my own people.

[15:22] Terrifying people.

[15:22] One thing I'll say, the weird thing about those robo-geishas, first off, I think they look really cool.

[15:27] And a lot of their face transforming is, that's practical effects, which is pretty cool.

[15:32] That is cool.

[15:33] But one of the weird things is, the Japanese actress whose face they modeled those masks from on the stunt performers,

[15:43] gets billing in the movie.

[15:45] Like, her name is on the poster.

[15:47] What?

[15:48] Is she a big star?

[15:49] I guess she's a pretty big star, yeah.

[15:52] I don't have her name in front of me, so I'm not going to try and say it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] Well, here's the thing.

[15:57] The robo-geisha designs look really cool for scary robo-geishas.

[16:01] They don't look very cool for like, oh, these are people who are going to help me to relax after a long day of work.

[16:06] So you're saying it's a poorly designed club?

[16:09] I'm saying for the function of the film, which is to be ominous and eerie, perfect design.

[16:13] For the function of the club within the world of the film, terrible design.

[16:17] I mean, the people seem to be loving it.

Stuart Wellington

[16:19] They're having a great time.

[16:21] It's the exact...

[16:21] Until that one sticks all her Cthulhu tentacles out of her mouth and jacks into the back of this head.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] It's the exact opposite of the space diner in the Star Wars prequel, where for the purpose of that movie, that is not a good design.

[16:34] It's hard to believe that in the far-off land of Star Wars, they have space diners that look like 50s diners.

[16:40] But for the purposes of the characters in the film who just want to go to a comfortable place, get a quick, cheap meal with friends everywhere,

[16:46] and a real casual sense of, I don't have to put on airs, this is just a restaurant for a working Jedi like me.

[16:52] It's a perfect design.

Stuart Wellington

[16:54] There's a reason those diners are classics.

[16:56] Call back to a simpler time when those Jedis were kids, and they weren't burdened with all these crazy things going on in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] Back when Jedis didn't have to worry about what was happening with minorities.

[17:08] Things were just easier back then.

[17:09] Politics were a little simpler.

[17:11] Back when, you know, picket fences and, you know, father knows best on the TV and all that stuff.

[17:18] When Jedis knew that America was the best.

[17:22] Anyway, we're also introduced via telecommunication to ScarJo's boss, Takeshi Kitano, who has kind of like Quicksilver hair.

Stuart Wellington

[17:30] Oh my god.

[17:31] He looks like they are, he looks like a cross between the owl or, what's that, flat top from Dick Tracy?

Elliott Kalan

[17:40] With a little bit of Gary Oldman's Dracula in there.

[17:43] He looks amazing.

[17:45] It's like they, it's something about, I guess Takeshi Kitano has reached that point that great actors get to where they're like,

[17:51] if I'm going to do this role, I want crazy hair.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] Oh, I didn't really notice it.

[17:58] Really?

[17:59] Yeah.

[17:59] His hair is crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] You thought that was a normal hairstyle?

Elliott Kalan

[18:01] I just thought it was like, had like his hair like swooped back, you know?

[18:05] No, Dan, he looks like Wolverine.

[18:07] Come on.

[18:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:08] All right.

[18:08] Are you like Marvel artists in the late 80s, early 90s who thought they could just get away with giving everybody that haircut?

[18:16] The haircut nobody could have?

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] Ever in life.

[18:19] Dan is like, looking good, Beat.

[18:21] Maybe I'll think about that hair.

[18:22] Huh, okay.

[18:24] Mr. Sonateen over there's got a pretty good do.

Stuart Wellington

[18:27] Do you think Takeshi Kitano was like, do you think when they approached him about the movie, he was like,

[18:33] he was like, I'm, you know, Johnny Mnemonic was kind of a flop.

[18:39] This one's bound to be a hit.

Elliott Kalan

[18:42] He was like, American movies always want to take my cachet and put it into not very good movies.

[18:50] And I said, I'd never do it again, but okay, one last score.

[18:55] And then never again.

[18:56] And he knows he's going to get pulled in again.

[18:59] So anyway, assassins come in.

[19:02] They attack the head of a, what, robotics company?

[19:05] Or he's an executive at a robotics company.

[19:07] There's a bunch of robot and hologram effects and Cthulhu tentacles are coming out of the robo geishas.

[19:12] Major turns invisible, pulls a lot of matrix tricks, starts shooting.

[19:15] Basic super assassin stuff.

[19:17] And she's fighting like guys with metal bits all over their faces and like robo arms.

[19:21] And she's part of section nine, an elite security squad.

[19:25] And it turns out the executives at Hanka Robotics, the one robotics company that is so powerful,

[19:31] it basically controls everybody.

[19:33] They had their stuff hacked into and they were murdered by a mysterious figure.

[19:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:41] Who is this mystery figure?

[19:42] You following all this, Dan?

[19:44] We don't know yet.

[19:45] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[19:46] I thought they gave him a name.

Elliott Kalan

[19:47] They do eventually.

[19:49] We're not up to him yet.

Stuart Wellington

[19:50] And he wears a cool cloak, right?

[19:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] Well, eventually, I will say eventually you find out his name is Koozie because he keeps drinks cold.

Stuart Wellington

[19:58] Oh, got him.

[20:01] Somebody should have said that to him after they blasted his head off.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] Guess you'll be keeping drinks cold in hell.

[20:09] And they're like, that's actually a very hard job.

[20:11] That would be very impressive.

[20:13] Yeah.

[20:14] So Major is kind of like she's a person, but she's kind of like a robot.

[20:19] I feel like they kind of like Scarlett Johansson is trying to balance being a trying to figure out, am I a human?

[20:27] Am I a robot?

[20:28] What am I?

[20:29] There's a surprising amount of time in the movie where people just tell her how beautifully she is as if she's an object and not a person.

[20:35] And it's one of two times in the movie where I felt like, I was like, movie, you're basically actually doing that.

[20:41] Treating her like an object and not a person.

[20:43] You don't get to have characters doing that as if you're making a big point.

[20:47] Like, come on.

Stuart Wellington

[20:48] Hang a lampshade on it.

[20:50] Or hang a, what's the phrase?

[20:51] Hang a lantern on it?

[20:52] Hang a lantern on it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] Hang a lantern.

[20:54] Hang the red lantern on it.

[20:57] Yep.

[20:58] So she's-

Stuart Wellington

[21:00] We're introduced to her partner at this point.

[21:02] Her partner's name is Batuu.

Elliott Kalan

[21:03] Batuu, yeah.

[21:04] Who's he played by?

[21:07] Some big hulking dude.

[21:09] It's not the bad guy Uncle Greyjoy from Game of Thrones, is it?

[21:13] I think he-

[21:13] It might be, yeah.

[21:14] Okay.

[21:14] It looks like him.

[21:15] And he's like, you know, he's kind of a wolverine.

[21:18] He's like a brawler.

[21:19] He works for the good guys.

[21:20] But, you know, he likes to fight and he's close to animals.

[21:23] He keeps some dogs.

[21:25] He's always asking Major to feed his dogs for him.

Stuart Wellington

[21:28] He looks normal.

[21:29] He's got a really normal human pair of eyeballs.

Elliott Kalan

[21:32] Well, those get-

[21:33] At the beginning of it.

[21:34] He starts with normal eyeballs, like a human would have.

Dan McCoy

[21:38] That's such a-

[21:39] Like, without the context of the movie, that would be such a funny way of explaining to someone else.

[21:45] Like, what does he look like?

[21:46] You know, he's got normal human eyeballs.

Stuart Wellington

[21:51] A nose, a couple of fingers.

[21:52] Who knows?

[21:54] So they're trying to track down this hacker, this mysterious hacker figure.

[22:01] So, of course, Major has to do a deep dive into the robo-geisha.

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] And Major is having fragments of her memory pop in and out.

[22:10] And it's very disconcerting to her.

[22:12] Visions of some other past or world.

[22:14] But she doesn't know what it is.

[22:15] And this is the movie's idea of, like, deep subtext.

[22:18] She's talking to her doctor and Major says,

[22:20] How do you tell the glitches from the rest of me?

[22:23] And she doesn't feel human.

[22:25] The doctor says,

[22:25] Memories don't define us.

[22:27] What we do defines us.

[22:28] And it's like, have memories ever defined anyone?

[22:31] Because you can't just go into someone's head and read their memories, right?

[22:35] Like, you can only judge someone by what they do.

[22:38] I don't know that nobody's like,

[22:40] Yeah, this guy seems like a great guy, but look at his memories.

[22:43] Oh, forget it.

[22:44] Bad dude.

Stuart Wellington

[22:46] Is that like a futuristic version of being like,

[22:50] Don't live in the past, dude.

[22:52] Move forward.

Elliott Kalan

[22:53] I guess that's exactly what it is.

[22:54] But it's futuristic, so she says,

[22:56] Beep boop afterwards.

Stuart Wellington

[22:57] Mm-hmm.

[22:58] Well, she says it, and then she removes her eyes from her face.

[23:02] Because her eyes slide off like a weird panel, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] Yeah.

[23:06] Well, that's the other doctor.

[23:08] The one who works in the autopsy morgue.

Stuart Wellington

[23:10] So are we talking about the doctor played by Juliette Binoche?

[23:13] Or no?

Elliott Kalan

[23:13] That's the one who says...

[23:14] Or Pinochet?

Stuart Wellington

[23:14] How do I pronounce that?

[23:16] Yeah, that's right.

[23:16] I'm going to mispronounce a bunch of names.

[23:18] Yeah, Juliette Pinochet.

Elliott Kalan

[23:20] Because she was a horrible dictator for a while.

[23:23] So, but yeah.

[23:25] Major has to do...

[23:26] With the help of a morgue technician whose eyes slide off so she can plug other things into her robo-eyes,

[23:32] she has to take a deep dive into the robo-geisha's memory.

[23:36] Because I thought memories don't define us, but they're judging this robo-geisha by her memories.

[23:41] So, look at your own self, Scar Jo.

[23:43] Anyway, her memory is all like creepy hallways.

[23:46] And there's a robed guy.

[23:48] You can't see his face, but he looks like a real Anakin Skywalker.

[23:51] Looking at a robo-body.

[23:53] And he force hurls her into a pile of like dark robots that are crawling all over her.

[23:58] And her friends are like, she's being hacked!

[24:00] And they have to pull her out.

[24:01] And when they pull her out, she goes, I know where he is.

[24:04] And it is harrowing.

[24:05] Right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[24:06] This is one of these things in movies that bothers me.

[24:09] Because I know that movies need to have some sort of visual language to do this stuff.

[24:14] Otherwise, they're just radio.

[24:16] Otherwise, it's...

Elliott Kalan

[24:17] We thought we were teaching radio, but it turns out radio was teaching us.

[24:22] Yeah, thanks.

[24:23] And what he was teaching us was how not to continue an Academy Award winning career.

[24:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:29] Snow Dogs.

[24:29] Anyway.

[24:32] You know, we can't just have a bunch of ones and zeros on the screen.

[24:36] We're like flying through the Matrix or something.

[24:39] I mean, we could always...

Stuart Wellington

[24:40] You can always cite other financially unsuccessful movie,

[24:44] Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, the English language version,

[24:48] where most of it is just characters looking at a computer with ominous music playing in the background.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Or they could do it like that CSI clip that I love so much

[24:59] where the two people are both using a keyboard at the same time to fight off a hacker.

Dan McCoy

[25:03] Yeah.

[25:03] But instead, they visualize it by a bunch of goopy black hands clawing at Scarlett Johansson

[25:10] and pulling her down into their mire.

[25:15] And that's what being hacked is supposed to be like.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] It reminds me of...

[25:18] Is it in Disclosure where Michael Douglas has to go in and open a digital filing cabinet?

[25:22] Yeah.

[25:23] To find a file?

[25:23] He walks down a hall.

[25:24] He just opens a file.

Stuart Wellington

[25:26] That's what virtual reality is.

[25:29] I mean, it's...

[25:30] Hugh Jackman does the same shit in what?

[25:33] Swordfish.

[25:34] Swordfish, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] But he does it with such elan.

[25:37] With such...

[25:38] With such savoir faire.

Dan McCoy

[25:41] Okay.

[25:42] Can you think of another cinnamon?

[25:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] I can think of lots of cinnamons.

[25:46] Cinnamon buns.

[25:47] Cinnamon cookies.

Dan McCoy

[25:50] It's only two.

[25:50] Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron?

Elliott Kalan

[25:54] Cinnamon.

[25:54] Edible Stallion of the Cimarron.

[25:57] So, Dan, was that...

[25:59] So, Spirit Stallion of the Cimarron, was that a movie that actually existed or was it just

[26:02] an ad campaign?

[26:04] Because I don't know anyone who saw it.

[26:06] I think it was just a Burger King toy.

[26:09] It was almost like they were like, can we make a successful kids movie without the actual

[26:13] movie?

[26:13] Let's try it out.

[26:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:16] Yeah.

[26:17] I like...

[26:17] It's like they made a character out of cinnamon.

[26:22] Grimace is a character out of...

[26:24] What is he?

[26:24] A blob?

[26:25] A shake?

[26:25] What is he?

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] I used to know what he was.

[26:27] What's Grimace, guys?

Stuart Wellington

[26:28] A chicken nugget?

Dan McCoy

[26:29] I used to know what he was, but I forgot what it was.

[26:31] Somebody listening to this...

[26:32] They say that he's a drop of shake.

[26:34] I think that that's...

[26:35] I think they're retconning it.

[26:36] I think they're just like, yeah, Grimace is a big shake drop.

[26:41] Because he...

[26:41] I mean, I know that he used to be a villain, and that was why he was called Grimace.

[26:44] And the design was so appealing, they're just like, let's make him one of the good guys.

[26:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:51] Oh, kind of like Walton Goggins' character in Justified.

[26:54] Yeah.

[26:55] Very similar.

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] I mean, they...

[26:57] Or Venom.

[26:59] America's favorite villain turned hero.

[27:02] Right.

[27:03] He's a hero now?

[27:05] Yeah.

[27:05] He's a lethal protector, Dan.

[27:07] Well, he hasn't been a lethal protector in like 20 years.

[27:10] I think he's back to being a villain again, but I'm not sure.

[27:12] He certainly didn't go from hero to zero.

[27:15] Okay.

[27:17] Thank you.

[27:18] But, yeah, Grimace is something that...

[27:21] Here's my theory about it, and I have a big theory.

[27:25] Grimace is Ronald McDonald's liver.

[27:31] Oh, okay.

[27:32] They had to remove it because it was diseased because of all the fatty foods that Ronald McDonald

[27:37] was eating.

[27:38] And they were like, Ronald, you can either work out or we're going to have to remove your liver

[27:41] because it's becoming gorged and purple and it has a face now and a kind of an Eeyore type

[27:46] voice.

[27:47] And he was like horrified.

[27:48] He was like, ah, get it out of me.

[27:50] And Ronald took a scalpel and was trying to cut it out of his own belly.

[27:53] And they had to restrain him and sedate him.

[27:55] And his doctor is that bird that's also a pilot.

[27:59] Birdie.

[28:00] Birdie.

[28:01] Wait, what's his name?

[28:02] Birdie?

[28:02] Yeah, that's all.

[28:03] The imaginatively named Birdie.

[28:05] I love it.

[28:06] They used up so much imagination juice on Grimace.

[28:09] They didn't have anything left.

[28:10] So they're like, the bird, birds fly, make her a pilot.

[28:13] What's a good name for a bird?

[28:14] Birdie.

[28:14] I'm so tired from Grimace.

Stuart Wellington

[28:16] Okay, these guys, these French fries, what do we call them?

[28:19] I don't know, the Fry Guys.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] It's like they spent four months developing the Hamburglar in Grimace and they were like,

[28:27] guys, our presentation's in 15 minutes.

[28:29] We were supposed to come up with four characters.

[28:30] We only have two.

Stuart Wellington

[28:32] It's a bird named Birdie.

[28:33] Some guys made out of fries.

[28:35] We'll call them Fry Guys.

Elliott Kalan

[28:37] And that's why Mayor McCheese has a police officer that looks just like him.

[28:42] I thought they were related.

[28:45] Oh yeah, it's his dumb nephew that he got a job on the force.

Stuart Wellington

[28:47] Yeah, I thought it was a sign of corruption.

Elliott Kalan

[28:50] They're like, that Inspector McCheese killed another Fry Guy in the line of duty.

[28:55] We'd kick him off the force, but his uncle's the mayor.

[28:59] Yeah.

[29:00] Anyway, so that's my theory about Grimace.

[29:02] He's Ronald's liver.

Dan McCoy

[29:03] A Michael Mann film version of McDonaldland.

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] Or a Michael McDonald's film?

[29:10] No.

[29:11] Not like that.

[29:12] Oh, okay.

[29:14] What about a Michael Mann Donald?

[29:17] All right.

[29:19] I'm interested.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] Are we talking about Ghost in the Shell?

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] All right, Ghost in the Shell.

[29:23] Anyway, they go to some kind of Yakuza club.

[29:26] Everyone's all tattooed up and cyborg-y because they find out that's where the bad guy is transmitting from, where he hacked Cynthia's from.

[29:33] And Major gets captured by a creepy pervert who starts hitting her with an electro prod while Batu is talking to the shirtless cyber bartender with a robo arm.

[29:44] And Stuart, I wanted to talk to you.

[29:45] That's a health code violation.

[29:47] I wanted to talk to you.

[29:49] As the owner of a bar, would you accept a shirtless bartender with a robot arm?

[29:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] That guy looks awesome.

[29:57] Do you see how unhappy he was to serve him a beer?

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] He looked so incredibly displeased with his job.

Dan McCoy

[30:04] He did that movie thing, too, where he came in and just said beer.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[30:08] So he's like, I should ask this guy for ID, but he's got two human eyes, so he's probably okay.

[30:14] He's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[30:16] And Major is being attacked.

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] And he doesn't need to carry a speed opener because he can just pop off the top with his robot hand.

Elliott Kalan

[30:23] Do you think they were trying to go for a Danny Trejo in From Dusk Till Dawn type vibe with this bartender?

[30:29] So I was looking at a little bit of a thing called IMDb trivia.

Stuart Wellington

[30:34] Okay.

[30:35] And somebody postulated that that was a reference to the robotic armed bartender in William Gibson's Neuromancer novel,

[30:46] which this person suggests was a large influence on cyberpunk.

[30:52] Like, uh, no shit, dude.

[30:56] That was a lot of what I was doing, was reading trivia for this.

[30:59] And, uh, me just saying, oh shit, dude, to my phone while I was reading it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] Why?

[31:05] Because your phone was getting you mad?

Stuart Wellington

[31:09] Yeah, because my phone was giving me information that I'm like, uh, this is super obvious.

[31:13] I'm a hardcore console cowboy.

[31:18] Big fan of cyberpunks.

Elliott Kalan

[31:20] You're a real snow crash.

Stuart Wellington

[31:22] Yeah.

[31:23] Oh, man.

[31:24] Now you just look like a noob.

[31:26] Wait, did they say that?

[31:29] Did you?

[31:29] Or did you just read it?

Dan McCoy

[31:31] You could be leet, but you're a noob.

[31:33] Wow.

[31:34] We are showing our age.

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] Hey guys, I guess I'll go on the prodigy message board later to talk about this new King's Quest game.

[31:47] Okay.

[31:48] So, uh, so, uh, so, Major's under attack by these creepy guys who are really chewing the scenery.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] They are so sweaty and pervy and gross, and they're like, hee hee, oh, ha, ha, hee hee, hee, hee, hee, hmm, oh, eh.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] Like, uh, they're basically human salacious crumbs.

[32:02] But she doesn't take that for long.

[32:04] She beats them all up.

[32:05] Meanwhile, Batteau has a shootout in the nightclub, and the bad guys have, like, cyber Uzis.

[32:11] They're shooting him at point-blank range, and they still miss him.

[32:14] It makes no sense.

Stuart Wellington

[32:16] I love the idea that they, they're covered in, like, metal bits, which I'm assuming are meant to be, like, upgrades to make them better than humans.

[32:23] But they are way worse than humans.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] They have these, like, robot eyes and mouths, and it's almost like, uh, it's, yeah, they're supposed to look like cyber upgrades, but they function like when someone in World War I would get half his face blown off, and they just make a ceramic face to go over it.

[32:38] And it would be like, all right, now I have, instead of just having bandages there, I have a weird, unmoving, unworking face that goes over my real face, and I have to take it off to eat anyway.

[32:49] So, thanks, prosthetic technology of World War I.

[32:53] Dan, do you have a hot take on prosthetic technology of World War I?

Dan McCoy

[32:58] It was probably pretty good for the time.

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] All right, fair, fair point.

[33:02] You know what, I feel bad now.

[33:03] Okay, yeah, counterpoint.

[33:04] You're right, I shouldn't be a hater.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] So they, they, uh, chase this dude, turns out, wait, don't they chase him, and then he, like, dissolves into a bunch of code or something?

Elliott Kalan

[33:14] Yeah, he, like, teleports away, uh, and he still looks like a shambling mass of rags.

[33:20] He teleports away, they've walked into a trap, a bomb goes off, Major has to be repaired, and, uh, guess what happens to Beto's human-like normal eyes?

[33:30] Uh, nothing, right?

[33:32] That was his best feature.

Stuart Wellington

[33:34] I'm sorry, Stuart.

[33:35] Uh, they get-

[33:36] But I got him these special contacts to wear.

[33:39] Um.

[33:39] I sold my watch bob to give him these contacts.

Elliott Kalan

[33:42] And he sold his eyes to buy you a watch.

[33:45] Oh, no.

[33:46] But, uh, he, he needs to get robo-eyes.

[33:49] And he's like, so for the rest of the movie, he looks like he's wearing tiny binoculars implanted in his face.

[33:57] Yeah.

[33:57] You're like, just put some sunglasses on over those, dude.

Dan McCoy

[34:01] I feel like in a world where they can make Scarlett Johansson, they should be able to make better robo-eyes than the ones that they have on this guy.

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] Well, I mean, she does suggest, like, hey, you pick those weird ones?

[34:11] And he's like, yeah, they're practical.

[34:12] But you're right.

[34:13] He should put sunglasses over them.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] But it's like, they, I feel like he got just, like, the budget version.

[34:20] They were like, this is what your insurance will pay for.

[34:22] It's essentially two tiny metal tubes stuck in your face.

[34:26] And it functions like when you're looking down a paper towel tube and pretending it's a telescope.

[34:30] That's what your insurance will cover.

Stuart Wellington

[34:32] They make a lot of noise when they, when they focus on things.

Elliott Kalan

[34:36] They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:37] And, uh, here's, but if you paid for a little more, you could get eyes that at least look like big, goofy cartoon eyes.

[34:44] Like, they still have pupils and everything.

[34:46] And it's like, I'm not, no, let's let the insurance cover it.

[34:48] I'll get the tubes.

Dan McCoy

[34:50] What about two big googly eyes?

[34:52] Just, like, faft-style googly eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[34:53] How much is it going to cost, Doc?

[34:56] I would have loved it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:59] I want to howl at women on the street.

[35:01] Can I have my eyeballs bug out of my head anytime I see somebody?

Elliott Kalan

[35:05] Yeah, sure, if you want to pay the deductible.

[35:07] Of course you can.

[35:09] I wish that he had gone for big googly eyes like Godzilla in Shin Godzilla, where his eyes are just always wide open and kind of cartoony.

[35:18] That would have been, that would have made every scene hilarious, and then it would have gotten creepy.

[35:23] He always has these, like, Judge Doom googly eyes on his face.

[35:28] Oh, man.

[35:29] That would have been so much better.

[35:30] Anyway, Major is like, Doc, I've got more glitches.

[35:34] And the doctor says, yeah, you do, but you're the future of humanity.

[35:36] Soon we're all going to be cyber people and cyborgs.

[35:39] And it's as if to prove that true that Bateau shows up with his Luke Skywalker binocular eyes implanted in his face.

[35:47] Major then does what we would all do after a terrifying brush with death like that.

[35:52] She takes home a prostitute and touches her face for a while.

[35:56] And then the shrouded bad guy shows up at the Robomorgue, kills the technician who had much more realistic robo eyes because they slide, regular eyes would slide off her face.

Stuart Wellington

[36:06] I mean, they were realistic until they slid off her face.

[36:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] Yeah, that's true.

[36:11] And it turns out.

Dan McCoy

[36:11] Your eyes aren't supposed to do that?

[36:13] You've got to go to the doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[36:15] Oh, boy.

[36:15] Yeah, Dan, I had to, I want to talk to you about how your eyes are always sliding off your face.

[36:19] Like, like two eggs.

[36:22] Here's a question I have for you.

[36:24] Eggs don't usually slide off of plates, right?

[36:26] So why was that the first thing we both thought of?

[36:30] Cartoons.

[36:31] I guess, yeah, cartoons is the reason for a lot of things.

[36:34] It's the only reason that as a kid I knew what an anvil was.

[36:37] Yeah.

[36:38] I did not get rid of the band.

[36:39] Your dad wasn't a blacksmith?

[36:41] And my dad was not a blacksmith.

[36:43] Although, he was a fan of the Smiths.

[36:47] Oh.

[36:48] Actually, that's not true.

[36:49] That's a good segue.

[36:51] My dad was a fan of In Descending Order, one, the Beatles, two, Bruce Springsteen, three,

[36:57] Billy Joel, four, Queen, and five, five, the song Final Countdown by Europe, but just

[37:03] that one song.

Dan McCoy

[37:04] That sounds like a dad to me.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] Yep.

[37:06] That was my dad.

[37:07] It's really funny because we have to listen to the radio a lot these days because we drive

[37:11] around in an automobile.

[37:12] And for some reason, California radio, it's going to be divided into three types, four types

[37:17] of radio.

[37:18] Oh, boy.

[37:19] We're going to get some hot takes on the difference between California and New York.

[37:22] Okay.

[37:23] Spanish language, Mexican radio, which I love.

[37:26] I love the music on it, and it's great.

[37:28] Hip-hop radio, which is not really my thing.

[37:32] Stations that only play Hotel California over and over again.

[37:37] And stations that play a lot of Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen.

[37:40] And I feel like those stations are just for people like me who grew up on the East Coast

[37:44] and live in California now.

[37:45] Because every time a Billy Joel or Bruce Springsteen song comes on, I turn to Sam and I'm like,

[37:50] this is the music daddy grew up with.

[37:52] And it's not even music I love that much.

[37:55] But it's just like such a, it's like, this is the music I know as a kid.

[37:58] Sammy, I don't want you to lose sight of your East Coast roots.

[38:01] The same way, every time we've had pizza out here, I'm like, Sammy, are you going to fold your slice?

[38:04] And he's like, no.

[38:06] And it's like a little piece of my soul crumbles away.

[38:09] That my son is going to go up and not fold his slice.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] He says no, and then he pulls out some tiny little utensils, like the Skeksis and Dark Crystal,

[38:17] and carefully eats them.

Elliott Kalan

[38:18] Those little finger forks that he can use to just stab things?

[38:22] No, what he does is he takes out a little briefcase, opens it.

[38:24] It's just sliced avocado in there.

[38:26] Puts the avocado on the pizza.

[38:28] And that's why I say.

[38:29] Oh man, that's his college fund.

[38:31] That's when I say the mourner's cottage, because I have no son.

[38:36] Okay, so at the Robo Morgue, a major finds out,

[38:40] oh, this is what the technician discovered that made the bad guy kill her.

[38:43] It's a list of people who worked on a secret project for the Hanker Robot Corporation,

[38:48] including my French doctor, Julia Binoche.

Stuart Wellington

[38:50] So wait a minute, the Frankenstein robot man who goes to kill the doctor with the slide-off eyes,

[38:59] that doctor is looking at a, like a Nintendo cartridge,

[39:03] that is telling her all the information about who the guy is trying to kill.

[39:08] And when the guy shows up, she just yanks the Nintendo cartridge out of the computer,

[39:12] and he kills her, and he lets her hold onto the cartridge?

[39:16] Apparently.

[39:17] Is that intentional?

[39:19] Like, is he trying to lead, do you think he's trying to lead the major to him?

[39:22] Or was he just like, eh, I wasn't really paying that much attention.

Elliott Kalan

[39:27] I think it's like, it could go either way.

[39:30] I think he is trying to lead major to him,

[39:32] because he has his reasons for wanting to talk to major.

[39:34] But it's also one of those things where it's like,

[39:37] if you really wanted to talk to major that badly about this,

[39:40] you know where to find her.

[39:41] She's trying to find you.

[39:42] Why do you run away every time she tries to find you?

[39:45] And why did you lead her into a bomb?

[39:48] Yeah, why did you try to kill her?

[39:50] Every time he sees her, he says,

[39:52] Hank, like, if you work with Hank O Robotics, you'll be destroyed, and it disappears.

[39:57] It seems like in that moment, he could more easily say,

[39:59] hey, I'm doing this for a reason.

[40:01] Let me explain it to you.

[40:02] The same way that ghosts in movies, instead of like, making blood flow out of walls,

[40:07] and making guys peel their own faces off and eat them,

[40:09] instead they can be like, hey, look, this house was built on my grave.

[40:13] I'd appreciate it if you either moved the body,

[40:16] or this would be my real preference, because again, this is sacred ground for me.

[40:20] Move the house?

[40:21] Because I'm a ghost, and there's a lot of ghosts here.

[40:23] Let me start at the beginning.

[40:24] Ghosts are real, and also Native American tribal mythology, also the true religion,

[40:29] since that's me, and I'm a ghost, and I'm coming for you.

[40:32] So I guess there's a couple things I need you to deal with.

[40:34] My immediate problem is this house is on my grave.

[40:36] I want you to move that.

[40:37] Number two, I'm giving you proof that Christianity, Islam, Hinduism,

[40:42] all those religions, not the true faith.

[40:44] This was the true faith, as you can tell by the fact that I have spiritual power from beyond the grave.

[40:49] Yeah, now—

[40:49] Like, how many Christian ghosts have come back to you and complained about houses on their graves?

[40:53] Zero?

[40:53] Well, maybe let's take this as evidence, okay?

[40:55] But setting that aside, before you spread the word of this true gospel to the world,

[41:00] so that we can all live in harmony, can you move your house, please, off my grave?

[41:04] Because it's right on my toe, and it really hurts.

[41:07] And that's why I'm so mad as a ghost.

[41:09] Ooh, I'm so mad!

[41:10] Otherwise, you know what?

[41:11] Why does it bother me if there's a house on my grave?

[41:13] It's nice.

[41:14] I get to interact.

[41:15] When you're watching TV, I get to watch the TV.

[41:18] I even get to go in the TV, because I'm a poltergeist.

[41:21] That literally means like a house ghost.

[41:23] And so, if anything, you're helping me achieve what I can,

[41:26] because if I can believe it, I can achieve it, and now you believe in me.

[41:28] I appreciate that as both a ghost and as someone who, to be honest,

[41:32] my history has been mostly forgotten by mainstream America,

[41:35] and my sacrifices, many of them against my will, for your better life, have not been recognized.

[41:40] So again, I really appreciate that you're listening to me now as a ghost.

[41:43] Maybe it took me doing a lot of crazy stuff about your house,

[41:46] but I think now we can open a dialogue, really get this going.

[41:48] But the main things, again, number two,

[41:51] number one, please move your house, or at least move it off my toe.

[41:55] You guys are saying?

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] Now, I hear what you're saying, but I already paid for this exorcist to come.

[42:04] Oh, boy.

[42:05] Is it Zelda Rubenstein?

[42:08] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[42:09] Okay.

[42:10] We've worked with her before on a lot of other places.

[42:13] We can do that.

[42:14] Don't worry.

Dan McCoy

[42:14] She's just going to make it seem like the house is clean, and then leave,

[42:17] and then for some reason it's not clean.

[42:19] It won't be really explained.

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] It's a scam that Zelda and I have been running for a while now.

Stuart Wellington

[42:24] Oh, you're very upfront about this information.

Elliott Kalan

[42:27] Again, I'm a ghost, so I'm all about honesty and transparency.

[42:31] That little ghost joke for you there.

[42:33] Transparency, because you can see through me.

[42:34] Speaking of which, Amazon Prime's Transparent.

[42:37] Have you seen this show?

[42:39] They call it a comedy, but there's no jokes in it.

[42:41] It's really just a half-hour drama.

[42:43] I know this because I watch you watching TV.

[42:45] I went into that show, and I said to everybody,

[42:47] where are the laughs?

[42:47] Where are the yucks?

[42:48] I may be a murdered Native American ghost,

[42:51] but even I need to laugh every now and then.

[42:53] And Judith Light, she was so great on Who's the Boss?

[42:55] She was on that show, and she's like, hey, let's talk about it.

[42:57] Let's open a dialogue about this after we deal with gender issues.

[43:00] And I'm like, that's cool.

[43:02] Intersectionality.

[43:02] I can be an ally.

[43:03] Anyway, guys, it's been great talking.

[43:05] I should really get back to my grave.

[43:07] I'll be back in a little bit later to make some crazy things happen in your house.

[43:09] See ya.

[43:11] Oh, wow.

[43:12] Like the sign-off.

[43:15] So getting back to ghosts in a shell, like a ghost that lives inside a house.

[43:20] I think because isn't a house just a shell for ourselves?

[43:24] And isn't a shell just a house for a little crab, a hermit crab, if you will?

[43:28] Try the hermit crab burger.

[43:31] It's with surf sauce.

Dan McCoy

[43:32] Why do we call it a hermit crab when hermits aren't necessarily known for living in things?

[43:37] They live in solitude.

[43:40] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[43:41] Or because a hermit will climb into your house and then drag it away on his butt.

Elliott Kalan

[43:48] What if that was the case?

[43:49] That would be terrifying.

Stuart Wellington

[43:51] These super strong hermits.

[43:53] Because their little butts expand to the size of your house, and then they walk away.

[43:56] See?

[44:00] If you give them a bigger house, their butts get bigger.

[44:02] It's fucking science, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[44:04] So you're saying Herman's hermits would be like a ring of house thieves that Herman was running, like a sign of Mod British Fagin.

[44:12] Mm-hmm.

[44:12] And Herman's head, if you will, is like a house for your body.

[44:17] It's like a house for four people who each have a pretty crazy personality.

[44:21] One of them is just a slobby party dude.

[44:23] Anyway, she learns this just in time for the bad guy to take over the minds of two super enhanced garbage men, give them Uzis, and try to kill Juliette Binoche.

[44:35] Major gets there.

[44:35] There's a shootout, a chase.

[44:37] Invisible Major does a kung fu fight and beats him up.

[44:39] But Bato stops her from killing the shooter.

[44:41] She's so mad.

[44:43] They take the shooter to a glass room.

[44:45] It's a classic.

[44:46] The bad guy's been captured now, we think.

[44:48] But the shooter has, he's had his memory erased and replaced with a false one about having a child.

[44:53] There's a brief talk of philosophy about memory versus reality.

[44:56] And Bato's like, if you remember it, doesn't that make it true?

[45:00] What's the difference?

[45:01] And it's like, Bato, don't be an asshole.

[45:04] That's not the same thing.

[45:05] Come on now.

[45:06] The bad guy appears in the body of the shooter, says some cryptic stuff.

[45:10] They trace the signal to some kind of bionic crime dorm where there's a lot of cyber criminals just kind of hanging out, maxing, relaxing, cool, and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

[45:19] But then a couple of guys, Major and Bato, showed up looking for no good.

[45:24] Yep, keep it going.

[45:24] They started making trouble with their neighborhood.

[45:26] They got in one little fight.

[45:28] And Major discovers a place where there's a bunch of human beings hooked up to wires to create Kuzé's own neural network.

[45:37] They learn his name is Kuzé, too.

[45:39] We go to Kuzé's lair, which is one of those bad guy science fiction lairs where there's a lot of machines and wires, but the floor is always wet and the roof is always leaking.

[45:48] And it's like, how does anything work in that room?

[45:51] Dan, explain.

Dan McCoy

[45:52] He got a really good deal on it.

[45:55] You know, like it's got an open, it's got the openest plan you can imagine.

[45:59] That's what, that's how the broker put it.

[46:03] Like, look, this could not be more open plan because it's just a cavern.

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] It's just a cavern.

[46:08] Hot and cold running leaks?

[46:10] Yeah.

[46:10] So you have that.

[46:11] So if you ever want to take a shower, just stand anywhere in the room because water's leaking down all of your wiring and your machines.

[46:17] It's like in The Matrix, how they were like, we're existing in this reality where we can control things, too.

[46:24] Anyway, let's put on full-length leather trench coats and sunglasses and meet in the sewers.

[46:31] Let's ruin our coats and we'll bump into walls because we can't see anything because we got sunglasses on in the dark.

Stuart Wellington

[46:36] The realtor was explaining it to Kuze and was like, yeah, it's sun-drenched.

[46:41] And Kuze's like, but wait, there's just a hole in the ceiling.

Elliott Kalan

[46:46] That's a skylight.

[46:48] Oh, okay.

[46:49] I gotcha.

[46:50] And he's like talking to his friend and he's like, so am I, like, am I a rube?

[46:54] Because I think this is a scam or is it really a scam?

[46:57] Like, am I going to insult her if I think it's a scam?

Stuart Wellington

[46:59] And they're like, does your memory think it's a scan?

[47:03] Because aren't memories kind of real depending on who you are?

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] And he's like, but I want to be judged by my deeds, not by my memories.

Stuart Wellington

[47:13] Wait, I can't keep this going.

[47:14] My brain doesn't work this way.

[47:16] And those are the only two ideas in the movie.

[47:17] I don't know if you guys saw.

[47:19] I did a little bit of impression of Kuze there, which Michael Pitt, I think, created, like, one part General Grievous and one part, I don't know, like, sad emo boy.

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] Yeah.

[47:32] It's like a wannabe James Dean combined with General Grievous.

[47:36] But he has, like, a kind of Jared Leto face.

[47:39] But, so, Kuze captures the major.

Stuart Wellington

[47:41] Yeah, I was going to say, it's a lot of, what's his name, from Jared Leto from My So-called Life.

[47:47] Jordan Catalano?

[47:48] Yeah, where he just, like, looks at the sky a lot.

[47:53] Stuffes his hands in his pockets.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] That's what makes him hot, is that he's unhappy.

Stuart Wellington

[47:59] He seems like he's got a lot of depth until you start talking to him, and then you're like, oh.

[48:03] Oh, you're illiterate.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] Well, you know, he's just always yearning to get back to the Catalan coast, where he's from.

[48:13] Because of his name, Catalano.

[48:15] Yeah, I get it.

[48:16] Anyway, Kuze captures the major.

[48:17] Turns out he's a man-bought, too.

[48:20] But he's not as well-made as her.

[48:21] He's like the Tin Man in the old Wizard of Oz novels, halfway between becoming a woodchopper and the Tin Man, where he's got lots of metal pieces all over him.

[48:31] He does not look great.

[48:32] They have the old, we're not so different, you and I speech.

[48:35] And she says, you killed him.

Stuart Wellington

[48:36] He's like that other golem in that Hellboy story about the two golems.

[48:42] Oh, I was just thinking about that yesterday, too.

[48:44] Almost human?

[48:45] No.

Elliott Kalan

[48:45] Something like that.

[48:46] No, it's called Becoming Colossus?

[48:49] Something like that.

[48:49] Yeah, maybe.

[48:50] Almost Colossus is what it's called.

[48:54] I got there.

[48:55] But yeah, it's like the one golem and the developed golem and the not developed golem.

Stuart Wellington

[48:59] Where their plan is to combine to make one giant golem.

[49:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] And he ends up melting at the end, right?

[49:06] Yep.

[49:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:07] Because of the Flame of Prometheus.

[49:09] It's pretty simple stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] Here's the problem with what we've been saying.

[49:12] They're not really golems.

[49:13] They're homunculi.

[49:15] Ooh.

[49:17] But I guess a homunculus is basically just a non-Jewish golem.

[49:20] It's like an assimilated golem.

[49:21] I got nothing to add to this conversation.

[49:23] And when the homunculized parents come back, they're like, you never go to synagogue?

[49:28] Ooh.

[49:29] Bacon in your house?

[49:30] And he's like, I want to be homunculi like everybody else.

[49:34] I'm not a golem anymore.

[49:36] Anyway.

[49:37] And we can write a hundred-year-old play about it in Yiddish.

[49:41] But so Kuzay says, we're not so different, you and I.

[49:44] She says, I don't kill innocent people.

[49:45] And he goes, who's really innocent?

[49:47] So they've got those two cliches right out of there off the bat.

[49:50] He reveals she wasn't the first cerebral salvage job.

[49:55] He was one, too.

[49:55] And he paved the way for her creation.

[49:57] But he was a failure.

[49:58] And they threw him away.

[49:59] And he's killing everyone who created him.

[50:02] But he does see himself as man's replacement.

[50:04] He and Major are the future of technology.

[50:07] But he's kind of, again, like we said, he's kind of junky.

[50:09] He has that Max Headroom speech glitch where every now and then he'll just be like,

[50:12] he'll be like, no, we don't have to go, go, go, go, go, go over there.

[50:16] And it's like, I don't know if that digital technology would really glitch like that.

[50:21] Like, maybe.

[50:22] Maybe he's buffering.

[50:23] Do you think that's what it is?

[50:25] Like, he's always buffering.

[50:27] And they're both haunted by the same memory.

[50:30] She's been using medicine up till now to suppress her glitches.

[50:32] And he says, no, no, don't take it.

[50:33] That suppresses your memory.

[50:35] And he uses the word ghost and shell a bunch.

[50:37] You're a ghost in a shell.

[50:39] They can't take away your ghost even though they made your shell.

[50:41] And then Kuzé runs off.

[50:43] Major goes to her French doctor.

[50:45] And the French doctor just breaks down instantly and admits there were 98 previous attempts before Major.

[50:50] And says that they gave her fake memories.

[50:52] She wasn't really a refugee that was killed by terrorists.

[50:57] And now, and she gives her what, like a hotel key or something?

[51:00] An apartment key?

[51:01] To tell her the future.

[51:03] You know, this is where your real past is.

[51:05] And many, like I mentioned earlier, a lot of scenes of people telling Scarlett Johansson that she's beautiful.

[51:11] Oh, you're beautiful.

[51:12] You're beautiful.

[51:13] As if she's just an object.

[51:14] The movie treats her this way.

[51:15] The other thing that the movie doesn't really get that it's commenting on itself, I think, is that both Kuzé and Scarlett Johansson, when they learn their true identities, they both have Japanese names.

[51:26] They both were clearly Japanese, but were put into white bodies by the scientists.

Dan McCoy

[51:31] Yeah.

[51:31] Well, that was the big whitewashing scandal.

[51:33] It wasn't necessarily, like, the fact that they, just the fact that they recast with a white actress.

[51:39] It was like, oh, in the end, you know, like, it turns out that this white person, what used to be a Japanese person within, like, the world of the movie.

[51:48] And, like, the idea of, like, beauty standards.

[51:51] Like, apparently, Japanese people are deemed less, you know, like, they don't want to make them into, like, this perfect robot.

[51:59] Like, that was one concern that people had.

Elliott Kalan

[52:02] But just, it feels like the movie is doing, the characters in the movie are doing what the movie is doing.

[52:07] And I don't know if the movie is smart enough that that's a comment on itself.

[52:11] That it's like, oh, just like we had to cast white actors, I mean, to, for a bigger box office, they took these, to play Japanese characters, they took these Japanese brains and put them in white bodies.

[52:22] I can't tell if the movie is slyly, like, digging at itself, or if it's just oblivious and is like, oh, what?

[52:28] Oh, I don't know, whatever.

Dan McCoy

[52:31] That's a perfect imitation of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:34] Oh, it's me, Ghost in the Shell.

[52:36] Oh, hold on.

[52:37] Whoa, all these plates.

[52:39] I can't carry them all at once.

[52:41] Smash, crash, boot, bash.

[52:42] You're fired from my restaurant, Ghost in the Shell.

[52:45] Give me another chance, Mr. Wilkins.

Dan McCoy

[52:48] Those are my favorite one-wheelers from the 20s.

Elliott Kalan

[52:52] Ghost in the Shell in Food Fiasco.

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] Yeah, it's pretty, like, and now in the, I can't remember, in the original story, was it a brain in a robot body or was it a robot brain with like, like, was there an idea?

[53:13] I can't remember.

[53:13] Was she, like, totally a robot?

[53:15] Because, I mean, the idea, because I remember it having something, like, the idea of Ghost in the Shell is the idea of, like, a robot having, like, can a robot or an AI have a soul?

[53:25] Yes.

[53:25] But she's not a robot.

[53:26] She's got a fucking brain, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] She's basically a human.

[53:29] Well, that's the thing.

[53:30] They keep saying, like, she's like, what am I?

[53:32] Am I a person?

[53:33] I'm just a weapon.

[53:34] And they're like, well, you do have a human brain.

[53:36] Like, that's.

[53:37] Yeah.

[53:38] Let's see.

[53:39] I'm taking a look.

[53:40] Let's look at the, I'm looking on Wikipedia about the original.

Stuart Wellington

[53:44] All right.

[53:44] Setting.

[53:44] So, in the meantime.

Elliott Kalan

[53:45] So, let's vamp a little bit, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[53:46] So, I got a new cat recently.

[53:49] Yeah.

[53:49] Meatball Wellington.

[53:50] He's adorable.

Dan McCoy

[53:52] How is Muscles treating him?

Stuart Wellington

[53:54] Well, Muscles is not.

[53:57] Well, Muscles was behaving very poorly before we got Meatball.

[54:02] He was just really, like, anxious.

[54:05] And he was meowing a lot.

[54:07] And he was jumping all over us all the time.

[54:09] And we'd play with him.

[54:10] But it didn't seem to help.

[54:12] But since we've gotten Meatball, he's behaving a lot better.

[54:16] He's not totally sure what to make of Meatball.

[54:18] And Meatball doesn't clean himself as well as Muscles would like.

[54:22] So, Muscles has to get down for some aggressive grooming.

[54:25] Oh.

[54:25] That's sweet.

[54:27] It's kind of sweet.

[54:28] I'm sure it's also, like, a bullying tactic.

[54:30] Where he's like, I'm going to show you how to clean your own butt.

[54:33] Yeah.

[54:34] Yeah.

[54:35] Like bullies do.

Dan McCoy

[54:36] That's what I was thinking.

[54:38] Like, is that what I would do to bully someone?

[54:41] Just hold them down.

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] You've never been bullied in elementary school, right?

[54:45] Where you got held down and people cleaned your butt properly.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] Okay, guys.

[54:51] I think I figured it out.

[54:52] Okay.

[54:54] I think she's just a robot.

[54:56] Okay.

[54:56] In the original?

[54:58] Yeah.

[54:59] Although, I don't know.

[55:00] Let's see.

[55:04] This is good audio.

Stuart Wellington

[55:06] Yeah.

[55:07] So, Dan, did you ever read the Ghost in the Shell comic book?

[55:11] Oh, I see.

[55:11] So, here's the thing.

[55:12] I did not.

[55:12] Here's the thing.

[55:13] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[55:14] In the, so, she, I think she does, she is a brain and a body, but she's not sure if she's

[55:19] actually a human brain or if she's just a full-on robot.

[55:24] Okay.

[55:24] And that's, and that's the thing, the riddle that bedevils her existence.

[55:27] I'm sorry, it took me so long to reread that stuff.

[55:30] I reread the entire comic book and then watched the movie again while you were doing that.

[55:34] Okay.

[55:35] But here, it's pretty clear it's a human brain.

[55:37] They keep telling her, you're a human, you got a human brain.

[55:39] It's, it's, there's not this, and the bad guy in the movie, I think, is also a fully

[55:45] cybernetic thing.

[55:47] But I'm not sure.

Stuart Wellington

[55:48] In the original.

[55:49] Yeah.

[55:49] But anyway.

[55:49] It's like an AI weapon that was developed by this, like, developed concurrently by the

[55:54] same people or something, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[55:57] Anyway, let's get back to this movie.

[55:59] Major has gone swimming in the harbor with glowy jellyfish because she says it's the only

[56:03] place she can escape the data feed and feel real.

[56:06] But then, uh-oh, Hanko Security captures her.

[56:08] Sometimes you just gotta unplug, Elliot.

[56:10] Yeah.

[56:10] And how do you unplug?

[56:11] Go off the grid.

[56:11] How do you unplug and go off the grid when you are the grid and you're made out of plugs?

[56:15] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[56:17] Very hard to do.

[56:19] Phil K.

[56:19] Dick title.

[56:21] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[56:22] And what would that title be?

Dan McCoy

[56:24] No, how do you unplug and go off the grid when you are the grid and made out of plugs?

Elliott Kalan

[56:28] Oh, yeah.

[56:28] That is a title.

[56:29] He had some pretty long titles.

[56:30] That's true.

[56:31] He did.

[56:31] Yeah.

[56:32] Like that one, everything you always wanted to know about crazy alternate realities but

[56:36] were afraid to ask.

[56:37] Yeah.

[56:37] Asterix.

[56:39] An obelisk?

[56:41] Asterix.

[56:42] The adventurous journey of Philip Gay Morrigan or something like that.

[56:46] Because he liked putting just people's random character names into titles, too.

Dan McCoy

[56:51] There's that one from the mixed up files of Mr. Philip K. Dickerson.

Elliott Kalan

[56:55] About those two kids who get lost inside of their own perceptions of reality.

[56:59] Yeah.

[57:01] And, of course, Mr. Philip K. Dick and the Rats of Nim.

Stuart Wellington

[57:05] That's where a bunch of rats were fed space drugs.

[57:08] Yeah.

[57:08] And became super smart robots.

Elliott Kalan

[57:12] So Major gets captured by Hanko Security.

[57:15] This is one of those movies where there's a corporation that essentially functions as the state.

[57:19] There is a government because Takeshi Kitano keeps talking about how he works for the prime minister.

[57:23] But the head of Hanko, whose name is Cutter, so you know he's a bad guy.

[57:26] He just, like, has his own private army of masked guys that he sends on missions to fight people, but no one puts two and two together.

[57:34] They capture Major.

[57:35] Hanko tells the doctor, Juliette Binoche, to terminate Major.

[57:39] But the doctor says, no, I won't do it.

[57:41] Instead, the doctor frees Major.

[57:42] That's when she gives her.

[57:43] She gives her some kind of thing and says, here's your real past.

[57:47] Major escapes.

[57:48] Lots of hallway fighting.

[57:49] She drags a guy on a motorcycle, and then the Cutter kills the doctor, but tells Takeshi Kitano that Major did it, and that Major has become corrupted and a terrorist.

[57:58] Meanwhile, Major's not doing terrorist stuff.

[58:00] She goes to an apartment building because what Juliette Binoche gave her was, like, either a key or a disc, something with a room number on it.

[58:08] One of those Nintendo cartridges.

[58:10] Yes, yeah.

[58:10] She finds a cat who likes her and an older lady who says that the older lady, with almost nothing to trigger it, just suddenly starts talking about her life and how she had a daughter who ran away and died.

Dan McCoy

[58:23] Well, not only that, but she also just, like, invites Scarlett Johansson in, like, this total stranger.

[58:28] She's a huge star, dude.

[58:29] I mean, I know that the older woman is lonely since her daughter went away, but.

[58:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] So she's, like, preparing info dump.

[58:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:40] It does feel like the movie should have a countdown clock that's, like, exposition dump in three, two, one.

[58:46] And then the old lady starts going, oh, my runaway daughter.

[58:49] She was always writing her anti-technology manifestos, and then she joined a squatter's enclave, and then she died.

[58:55] The police said she killed herself, but I don't know.

[58:57] That doesn't sound like her.

Stuart Wellington

[58:58] Hey.

[58:58] I think it's more likely she turned into a robot.

Elliott Kalan

[59:02] Speaking of which, Scarlett Johansson, you remind me a lot of my daughter.

[59:05] It's the way that you look at me, which is, like, so did your daughter always look at you with a vague sense of confusion?

[59:10] Like, why is this old lady talking to me?

[59:12] Because that's the look on Scarlett Johansson's face.

[59:15] Major reveals everything to her boss, who believes her.

[59:18] But Cutter is eavesdropping on the conversation.

[59:21] Uh-oh.

[59:22] Masked Hanko thugs go to assassinate Takeshi Kitano.

[59:24] But come on.

[59:25] Oh, big mistake, dude.

[59:26] Big mistake.

[59:27] He's a badass.

[59:28] Who has, even though they have Uzis, he has a six-shot revolver.

[59:32] And a briefcase.

[59:33] And a briefcase that he uses as a shield.

[59:35] And his hair probably repels bullets, too.

[59:37] They just bounce off of that cloth.

[59:39] Oh, man.

[59:40] He's awesome.

[59:40] So he kills the thugs.

[59:42] Hanko's men are trying to kill off Major's team all over the place.

[59:46] But they can't do it because Major's team is so good.

[59:48] Major goes back online to talk to Kuze.

[59:50] And he leads her into the Lawless Zone.

[59:55] Uh-oh.

[59:56] And Cutter sends in something called a spider tank.

[59:59] Which is exactly what it sounds like.

[1:00:01] It's a tank with spider legs.

[1:00:02] It is not a tank full of spiders.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:05] It's not like a fish tank filled with spiders.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:07] And he says, they'll think this is cool.

[1:00:10] I'll trick them into thinking they're at an arboretum.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:13] And shoot the spiders out.

[1:00:15] It's a tank thing?

[1:00:16] What do you call that?

[1:00:17] It's a cannon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] It's basically just the grim, gritty reboot of that tank that Kenneth Branagh has in Wild Wild West.

[1:00:24] Which was like that big spider erector set that he was piloting.

[1:00:28] But Scarlett Johansson in the Lawless Zone, she remembers in a flashback that she and Kuze were both these runaways.

[1:00:35] They were super close like brother and sister in this squat.

[1:00:38] And the police came in and stole them to use them in experiments.

[1:00:42] Or not the police.

[1:00:42] I guess it was the Hanko people.

[1:00:44] To use them in these experiments to make brain bots.

[1:00:47] Kuze's name was Hideo.

[1:00:49] And Major was Motoko.

[1:00:51] And you're like, yeah, again, this is weird that they were turned into non-Japanese people.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:57] I mean, you mentioned it before.

[1:00:59] But the idea that they could be trying to make a comment on the idea of taking these Japanese characters and putting them in white robot bodies, basically.

[1:01:07] Like they could be making some kind of comment on it.

[1:01:10] But wasn't there a controversy where like the visual effects team were trying to.

[1:01:15] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:15] Like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] Make Scarlett Johansson look more Asian.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:18] Yeah.

[1:01:18] Make the characters look more Asian.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:20] I mean, she definitely.

[1:01:21] Her makeup and hair.

[1:01:23] It does feel like they're trying.

[1:01:24] And it might just be that they're trying to copy the design of the character from the anime.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:29] Which would make sense.

[1:01:30] I mean, so much.

[1:01:30] There's a lot of like shot for shot stuff in this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] Yeah.

[1:01:33] But it does feel like they tried to make her look a little more Asian.

[1:01:38] Like, hmm.

[1:01:39] We'll just fudge it a little bit.

[1:01:42] We're not going to go full Catherine Hepburn in Dragon Seed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] Not going to go Cloud Atlas with the horror of Hugh Jackman in Yellow.

[1:01:50] Or not.

[1:01:51] What's his name?

[1:01:52] Hugh Grant.

[1:01:53] Come on.

[1:01:53] No.

[1:01:54] The other one.

[1:01:56] Man.

[1:01:56] Hugh Laurie.

[1:01:57] No, wait.

[1:01:58] The other guy.

[1:01:58] Peter Laurie.

[1:01:59] Oh, man.

[1:02:00] My brain's slowly firing up.

[1:02:01] Lawrence O'Donnell.

[1:02:02] I'm glitching, guys.

[1:02:04] Rosie O'Donnell.

[1:02:05] No, Elrond.

[1:02:05] Elrond.

[1:02:06] Matrix Man.

[1:02:07] What's his name?

[1:02:08] Hugo Weaving.

[1:02:09] Hugo Weaving in Yellow Face.

[1:02:11] It's crazy.

[1:02:11] No, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:12] No, Stuart.

[1:02:13] You go weaving.

[1:02:15] Oh, man.

[1:02:18] I can't wait to meet him someday so I can make that joke to his face.

[1:02:23] Nice to meet you.

[1:02:24] Hugo Weaving.

[1:02:25] No, you go weaving.

[1:02:26] That's a little funny one.

[1:02:27] Elliot Kalin.

[1:02:28] Nice to meet you.

[1:02:29] I'd love to work with you.

[1:02:30] So anyway, I wanted to cast you in this movie.

[1:02:32] Not interested.

[1:02:33] Okay.

[1:02:33] Thank you.

[1:02:35] Not interested.

[1:02:36] Makes sense.

[1:02:37] Mr. Kalin.

[1:02:39] After what I said, I don't want to work with me either.

[1:02:42] Kuze says, gives her the old, join me.

[1:02:45] Together, we'll whatever, we'll usher in the next stage of Humana things.

[1:02:48] And then Cutter attacks with his spider tank.

[1:02:51] And just like in any of these movies, the head of the corporation is personally piloting this device from his house.

[1:02:58] When it seems like in a situation like that, you really want plausible deniability to say that like, oh, a rogue operator did it.

[1:03:04] It's kind of hard for that when you're literally controlling it yourself at your house.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:07] They should have gotten Hugh Jackman from Chaffee to pilot it.

[1:03:11] He was super into piloting a giant robot.

[1:03:13] But he was the head of that company too.

[1:03:15] I mean, just that division.

[1:03:17] That's true.

[1:03:17] Just that division.

[1:03:18] Sigourney Weaver was the head of the company, right?

[1:03:21] That sounds familiar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:22] Yeah.

[1:03:23] All I remember is Hugh Jackman's hockey player haircut.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:27] And how he always had like a gun on his hip, even when he was just walking around the office.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:31] Yeah.

[1:03:31] And his ill cutoff shorts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:35] I mean, those cutoff shorts were ill.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:37] Yeah.

[1:03:38] That's the kind of shorts grown up men wear, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:41] Oh, okay.

[1:03:42] Come on.

[1:03:43] High and tight.

[1:03:44] That's what you want.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:45] You want a three or four inch inseam.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] You want it so long that it becomes an outseam at a certain point.

[1:03:54] Sure.

[1:03:55] Anyway, they get beat up real good by this spider tank.

[1:03:59] Kuze abandons his body.

[1:04:00] But Major says she's not ready to go yet.

[1:04:03] They do blow up the spider tank, though.

[1:04:04] She punches it so hard so many times that she breaks it open.

[1:04:08] Her team saves her from snipers who have been sent in just in case the spider tank didn't do the job.

[1:04:13] It's like the head of the company is like, I'll take care of this myself.

[1:04:17] Send me the spider tank.

[1:04:19] But send in a couple of guys, too, just in case the spider tank plan doesn't work out.

[1:04:23] Like, we're going to send in a bunch of missile strikes.

[1:04:28] But also maybe like, can you send some mean dogs in afterwards just in case?

[1:04:33] But then Takeshi shows up, arrests Cutter, shoots him.

[1:04:38] And first he shoots him in self-defense.

[1:04:40] But Cutter's not dead.

[1:04:41] And then he calls Major and he says, do I have your consent to execute him?

[1:04:44] Because throughout the movie, they would ask Major for her consent to, like, go in and change your memories or do some data mining.

[1:04:50] And then at a certain point, they revealed, we never needed your consent.

[1:04:53] That was all fiction.

[1:04:53] But now Takeshi Kitano asked her for her consent.

[1:04:56] And she says, I consent.

[1:04:57] And he shoots him in cold blood.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:58] I thought that was actually genuinely kind of effective.

[1:05:01] The repetition of, like, you know, do you have your consent?

[1:05:04] And then, like, the obvious.

[1:05:06] I mean, it was like a clear reveal that, like, they didn't actually need her consent.

[1:05:09] But I felt like that was a way that they got at the themes of the movie a little more, like, cleverly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:16] I mean, up until the last part where she's like, do you consent to me totally killing this dude?

[1:05:21] Yeah.

[1:05:21] But before that, no, I totally agree with you.

[1:05:23] I thought that was cool.

[1:05:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:24] Well, that's one of those things where it's like they've set up a legal fiction for her benefit to continue fooling her.

[1:05:31] And then they reveal it when they don't need it anymore, which is a smart thing to do.

[1:05:34] But then it just becomes like, I'm going to say this badass thing before I blow this guy away.

[1:05:38] And that's justice.

[1:05:41] Wait a minute.

[1:05:41] Hold on.

[1:05:42] Hold on.

[1:05:43] Because there is no law in Takeshi's town.

[1:05:46] The only law is Takeshi's gun.

[1:05:48] And that town is called?

[1:05:50] Takeshi's castle.

[1:05:51] And it's a game show.

[1:05:58] So she goes and visits Motoku's grave and reunites with her mom, kind of.

[1:06:03] She tells her mom, you don't have to come here anymore, which is kind of, I don't think she ever really explains to her, I'm your daughter's brain inside a robot body.

[1:06:10] Just to tell an old lady at her daughter's grave, you don't need to come here anymore.

[1:06:13] It's kind of a rude thing to say.

[1:06:16] And we cut to everything's back to normal, big animated hologram advertisements everywhere.

[1:06:22] And Scarlett Johansson, back to what she does best, brooding over the city in a long trench coat over her naked robot body.

[1:06:29] She gives a monologue about how our memories don't define us, our actions do.

[1:06:32] That's the message.

[1:06:33] And then they say, your mission is go.

[1:06:35] She throws off her coat, jumps off the building for some invisible kung fu, and salutes the audience as if to say, hey, I appreciate you sitting through this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:42] Do you think the rooftops of future Hong Kong are just littered with trench coats that have been discoded?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:50] Why does she bother with the coat if she's just going to take it off every time she goes into battle?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:54] It's part of the fucking illusion, dude.

[1:06:56] People are into the fantasy.

[1:06:58] Part of the illusion that she's cold?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] That she's not a robot?

[1:07:01] She wants to remain inconspicuous when she's brooding, perched on top of a roof.

[1:07:05] If she just had nothing, they'd be like, what's that weird nipple-less robot that looks like Scarlett Johansson doing up there?

[1:07:10] With the trench coat, they're just like, oh, there's just Scar Joe, cold on a roof.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:15] All right.

[1:07:16] Sure.

[1:07:18] So we've gone way long.

[1:07:20] We should get to final judgments, whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[1:07:26] What do you think, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:30] I don't know.

[1:07:32] So this is a movie that I definitely, I think I'm leaning in between bad, bad, and movie I kind of liked.

[1:07:41] Because there's things I like about it.

[1:07:43] That's an interesting divide.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:45] That's an interesting divide.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:46] Because I don't think it's a good, bad movie.

[1:07:50] Like, it's not like, oh, watch this dumb piece of shit and laugh about it.

[1:07:54] But it's, and there's things about it that I like.

[1:07:58] I mean, part of it is that it's reminding me of a movie that I remembered enjoying watching back in the 90s.

[1:08:05] Gross point of mind.

[1:08:07] And I feel like, despite the fact that there's, there's obviously a lot of CGI, and this is almost all digitally created, it still feels kind of physical.

[1:08:18] Like, it still feels a little gritty.

[1:08:20] And I like that they make a lot of effort to make every character have some kind of a touch or nuance.

[1:08:26] Like, even if it's just like a little bit of metal in their face.

[1:08:30] Like, I think all that stuff's pretty cool.

[1:08:32] And it's just kind of bland.

[1:08:35] It doesn't make a lot of sense.

[1:08:38] It's kind of boring.

[1:08:40] But it looks great.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:43] Yeah.

[1:08:43] I mean, I kind of liked this movie.

[1:08:50] I mean, but that's on the sliding scale of Flophouse movies, I feel like, probably.

[1:08:55] The plot was kind of obvious and dull.

[1:09:01] And, like, at the end, you're kind of like, oh, is that all there is?

[1:09:05] Is that all there is to a movie?

[1:09:06] Yeah.

[1:09:06] And I mean, are you supposed to root for Michael?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:11] Lay those pipes on us.

[1:09:12] Are you supposed to root for Michael Pitt's character?

[1:09:14] Because he's, like, just changing some fucking poor garbage truck driver's memories and getting him killed.

[1:09:20] Yeah.

[1:09:21] That sucks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] That was a scene I didn't quite understand where it was like, he's like, I have a daughter.

[1:09:25] You've got to let me out of this prison cell.

[1:09:26] And they're like, he never had a daughter.

[1:09:28] They inserted fake memories into him.

[1:09:30] And it's like, why does, to turn him into a super assassin for three minutes, why was it necessary to give him a fake memory of a fake daughter?

[1:09:37] Like, that seems like a weird move for Koozie.

[1:09:40] That's like, why even bother to put that much imagination into it, Koozie?

[1:09:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:46] But I agree with Stuart that, like, I mean, there's a lot of CGI in it, but I like the look of the film.

[1:09:52] And I feel like it's stylish without being, like, flashy, too many cuts kind of filmmaking.

[1:10:01] Michael Bay over stylized stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:05] And though it's, like, flashy and colorful, I don't think it's overwhelming.

[1:10:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:12] I don't know what, like, I'm saying all these things that make me sound like I didn't like it that much.

[1:10:17] So it's weird that I said kind of liked it.

[1:10:19] But I also don't know about Scarlett Johansson's performance.

[1:10:22] Like, she's, like, so affectless.

[1:10:25] And I know that she's supposed to be a robot, but it's hard to be sort of charmed by her in any way because there's no personality there.

[1:10:36] I mean, she can be good at playing a character that's, like, weird and alien, like she did in Under the Skin, where she's, like, a total mystery.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:45] Wait, she was an alien in that?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:49] I don't know.

[1:10:51] But for some reason, I still kind of had a good time watching it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:55] Maybe it's just this California sunshine, but I'm feeling much harsher on this than you guys are.

[1:11:01] Yeah.

[1:11:01] That I didn't think it was a good, bad movie.

[1:11:03] I didn't, like, want to laugh at it.

[1:11:05] I didn't really like it.

[1:11:07] It's, like, it's not, it's a perfectly serviceable movie.

[1:11:10] I'm giving it a bad, bad more just because, like, there are much better versions.

[1:11:14] There's literally a better version of this movie in the cartoon version.

[1:11:18] But I feel like there are better versions of a movie set in the future about what makes you real and what makes you human.

[1:11:26] And, like, what makes you a robot and what makes you a person.

[1:11:29] What gives you a soul.

[1:11:30] And, like, to make a new version of that and to really make it something that I'm going to be like, yeah, that was good.

[1:11:38] The bar is so high.

[1:11:39] And they just kind of, it was so serviceable that it just kind of didn't clear it for me.

[1:11:43] The whole time I was watching it, I was like, yeah, I've seen this movie before.

[1:11:47] And it's not giving me, for all the stuff they did with, like, practical effects and stuff, it didn't have the spark I was looking for where I'm like, oh, well, that's something I haven't seen before.

[1:11:55] So call me jaded.

[1:11:56] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:58] But I'm going to say, by default, bad, bad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:03] I have a question, guys.

[1:12:04] They kept one of the visual things from the movie where the, like, secretary's hand breaks open and is a whole bunch of tiny little digits that they can, like, tap on a keyboard super fast with.

[1:12:16] If you can jack your head into the internet, why would you have to do that with your hands?

[1:12:21] And how much faster can you type?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:23] Yeah, I guess you could just, I mean, at that point, you think text to speech would be so much better.

[1:12:27] Or just creating the, or speech to text and, like, or just in thinking it into words in your head.

[1:12:33] Like, yeah, why are you still typing?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:35] That just seems, making those super finely calibrated little hand type of things seems much more complicated.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:45] Yeah.

[1:12:45] Well, there's a fun thing in a lot of movies.

[1:12:47] I feel like they do it in steampunk movies and that's part of the joke.

[1:12:50] But also in future movies where it's, like, it's not impressive looking to show how you would really solve this problem.

[1:12:57] So I'm going to do it in, like, the same way that, like, we can use the internet and phones and things like that with amazing power on very small devices.

[1:13:05] But they're like, that doesn't look cool.

[1:13:07] So I'm going to make this one enormous and there'll be huge thick cables lying everywhere.

[1:13:11] Because it looks a lot better, even though that's not really how we would do it.

[1:13:15] Yeah.

S4

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S5

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Dan McCoy

[1:14:16] We have two sponsors for the program tonight.

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Elliott Kalan

[1:14:51] Dan, can you explain?

[1:14:52] You use a Casper mattress.

[1:14:53] Can you explain the sink and the bounce to me?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:55] Mm-hmm.

[1:14:56] Well, the sink is where you go to get your water.

[1:15:00] Uh-huh.

[1:15:01] Oh, boy.

[1:15:03] And the bounce is the third part of the title, The Big Bounce.

[1:15:09] It's a movie that starred Owen Wilson that everyone forgot about.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:12] Wow.

[1:15:13] I'm surprised you didn't say about the movie Bounce with Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow.

[1:15:16] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:17] I forgot about that movie so much that I didn't remember it.

[1:15:21] That's the way forgetting works.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:22] Did you know the interesting thing about The Big Bounce is that the second part of that title is the title of another movie called Big.

[1:15:28] That is the interesting thing about The Big Bounce.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:31] Yeah.

[1:15:31] Here's an interesting thing, Dan.

[1:15:33] Tell us how much you like using your Casper mattress.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:36] Oh, yeah.

[1:15:36] No, I...

[1:15:37] That was what you were...

[1:15:40] That was what I was trying to set up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:41] I'll be clearer next time.

[1:15:43] I'll be clearer next time.

[1:15:44] I'll say, Dan, give us a product testimonial.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:47] I love my Casper mattress.

[1:15:48] I have slept on many a more expensive mattress, a traditional...

[1:15:55] Whoa.

[1:15:55] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:56] Mr. Movie Star.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:58] I slept on traditional spring mattresses.

[1:16:01] I've slept on foam mattresses that have been too hot because they don't circulate the air correctly.

[1:16:08] I mean, there's not like air permeating the fabric.

[1:16:11] No, I get it.

[1:16:11] Yeah.

[1:16:12] This mattress is a delight to sleep on.

[1:16:16] And Flophouse listeners can get $50 towards any mattress purchased by visiting www.casper.com

[1:16:23] slash Flophouse and using promo code FLOPHOUSE, all one word, at checkout.

[1:16:30] Terms and conditions apply.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:31] And how many times can you use that?

[1:16:33] Like, if you're trying to set up like a princess and a pea situation.

[1:16:35] Right.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:37] With a bunch of mattresses stacked on top of each other?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:40] Yeah.

[1:16:40] Or a bunch of peas stacked on top of one mattress.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:43] That I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:44] I don't know whether this is a one time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:45] You can feel the mattress under this pile of peas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:49] And truly, you're a hobo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:50] I just can't sleep on these peas.

[1:16:53] There's something bothering me.

[1:16:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:56] I don't know the answer to that question, Stuart.

[1:17:00] But also, support from the Flophouse comes from Bombfell, an online personal styling service

[1:17:06] for men.

[1:17:07] Bombfell is an easier way for men to get better clothes.

[1:17:11] You pay nothing when you sign up because there are no fees to work with them.

[1:17:14] You only pay for the clothes you keep.

[1:17:16] Bombfell is the only service that can make this claim.

[1:17:19] It's the most simple, straightforward service around.

[1:17:21] It's completely flexible.

[1:17:23] Push up, delay, or skip shipments anytime.

[1:17:27] I got my first Bombfell shipment.

[1:17:31] They were nice enough to send a sample along.

[1:17:34] And I'm delighted with the clothes.

[1:17:36] Delighted, I would say.

[1:17:38] You, Elliot, I know that you've used them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:40] Is it just a big box full of Deadpool t-shirts?

[1:17:44] Yeah, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:46] It's a t-shirt that says,

[1:17:47] Parks Welcome, which is a weird thing to say on a t-shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:53] Farts Welcome?

[1:17:54] Farts Welcome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:55] Was that the original USA Network slogan?

[1:17:59] They changed it to Characters Welcome.

[1:18:01] It was really Farts Welcome.

[1:18:02] Dan.

[1:18:03] What's the font on that one?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:05] No, that's beautiful.

[1:18:05] No, let's not say these lies about the...

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:08] Yeah, Dan, let me talk for a moment, okay?

[1:18:10] For once in your life, let me talk.

[1:18:12] So I've been a Bombfell user for years now.

[1:18:15] It's a service that I've been using for a long time.

[1:18:17] I knew I needed to put some pep in my getups,

[1:18:19] and I didn't know how to do that.

[1:18:22] And I've been very happy with the consistent kind of average of,

[1:18:26] I get shipments, and there's always one or two things that I want in them.

[1:18:30] The things I don't want, I just mail back.

[1:18:32] And the things that I do want, I keep.

[1:18:34] And like a number of great pairs of pants, a number of great shirts.

[1:18:38] It's made it easier for me to try changing my style up

[1:18:41] because I get somebody else's input.

[1:18:43] You get your individual style coordinator or whatever they're called,

[1:18:46] who personally handpicks the clothes you get sent based on the type of thing you're asking for

[1:18:51] and how comfortable you are with trying new things.

[1:18:54] And they say like, try this out.

[1:18:57] And I get it in the mail.

[1:18:58] I put it on.

[1:18:59] Sometimes I'm like, oh, this is not something,

[1:19:01] if I saw it in the store, I would ever think of buying.

[1:19:03] But it looks really good now that I've put it on.

[1:19:06] And sometimes I get things...

[1:19:06] You didn't know you were a tank top guy.

[1:19:09] Exactly.

[1:19:10] Yeah, thank you.

[1:19:10] But it's literally like a tank, like a top of a tank.

[1:19:13] Oh, cool.

[1:19:14] Yeah.

[1:19:14] And sometimes I'm like, this is too much for me.

[1:19:17] And I send it back and it's totally fine.

[1:19:19] And the brands they have are good.

[1:19:21] The quality is all really good.

[1:19:23] Stuff that I've bought in stores has fallen apart much faster

[1:19:25] than the stuff they've sent me.

[1:19:27] So bomb fell, won't you?

[1:19:28] I'd recommend it.

[1:19:29] I use it a lot.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:31] Yeah.

[1:19:31] And we've got a special offer.

[1:19:33] I made a mistake last time in my special offer.

[1:19:36] I said that listeners got 25% off.

[1:19:39] That's incorrect.

[1:19:40] Incorrect.

[1:19:41] Sorry about that.

[1:19:42] Bomb fell is offering our listeners $25 off your first purchase

[1:19:46] when you visit bombfell.com slash flophouse.

[1:19:50] That's B-O-M-B-F-E-L-L dot com slash flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:55] Hey, when you put on those clothes,

[1:19:57] you're going to look like a bomb fell on you.

[1:19:59] A fashion bomb.

[1:20:01] Thanks for clarifying.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:03] Yeah, because otherwise it would be terrible.

[1:20:05] One of you I gave a Jumbotron 2 to read.

[1:20:07] I forget which one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:08] I think you gave it to me.

[1:20:09] Let me just jack into the internet right now.

[1:20:13] Into the flop net.

[1:20:14] Okay.

[1:20:15] Powering up.

[1:20:16] Okay.

[1:20:16] This message is for Jonah.

[1:20:19] The message is from Edith, Tina, and friends.

[1:20:24] Jonah, happy birthday,

[1:20:26] and congratulations on starting a PhD.

[1:20:29] From all of us,

[1:20:31] we hope you still have time for bad movies now that you've started school.

[1:20:36] Especially with the impending Shocktober.

[1:20:41] Here's the gift you've always wanted.

[1:20:44] A message immortalized in an episode of the Flophouse.

[1:20:49] Hopefully read by Stuart.

[1:20:51] From Edith, Tina, and friends.

[1:20:53] Meow.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:56] That reminds me.

[1:20:57] Shocktober was mentioned in that lovely message.

[1:21:00] I know that this being September,

[1:21:02] this should be a small-temper episode.

[1:21:04] Small-vember.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:06] That's why we watched teeny tiny little movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:09] Ghost in the Shell.

[1:21:10] Ghost in the Small.

[1:21:12] We watched Ghost in the Shell because I forgot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:14] You know how small that ghost has to be to fit in that little shell?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:17] I forgot.

[1:21:19] I forgot that when we were recording it,

[1:21:21] that, I mean, we're still in August right now.

[1:21:23] I forgot that it would be a September episode.

[1:21:25] But.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:25] What's the weight of a human spirit, Elliot?

[1:21:28] That would be 21 grams.

[1:21:31] Thank you.

[1:21:32] I thought it was seven pounds.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:34] That would be a huge spirit.

[1:21:36] I don't know.

[1:21:36] I don't know what that has to do with anything.

[1:21:37] But the point is there's two more Saturdays,

[1:21:43] flop Saturdays in September.

[1:21:44] So we're going to have our usual programming on those two Saturdays.

[1:21:50] Dan, you don't need to apologize to these people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:53] I just want to, if anyone was confused.

[1:21:55] Or were you apologizing to us?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:56] Because our favorite time of year, small-vember.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:59] Because let me tell you what,

[1:22:00] let me tell you what months people look forward to in the flop.

[1:22:02] Cage miss number one.

[1:22:04] October number two.

[1:22:06] Cage miss in July number three.

[1:22:07] All the other months.

[1:22:08] And then at the bottom, small-vember.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:10] I don't think that's true.

[1:22:11] Well, I look forward to small-temper more than.

[1:22:15] Small-vember.

[1:22:15] Any other month of the year, I think.

[1:22:18] Because we get the really crazy shit with the small movies.

[1:22:24] What the hell was that?

[1:22:27] What was that noise?

[1:22:28] Were you doing a little Foley work?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:30] What?

[1:22:31] I was moving around some stuff over here.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:32] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:34] Before we move on.

[1:22:35] Because I have my DVD for our first small-vember movie.

[1:22:37] And I wanted to make sure that it was right here in front of me.

[1:22:39] So I could gaze at it longingly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:41] Oh.

[1:22:42] Did you guys,

[1:22:43] have you guys ever like bought a DVD or a Blu-ray?

[1:22:47] Yeah, lots of times.

[1:22:48] Okay.

[1:22:48] No, let me finish.

[1:22:51] And you're excited to watch it.

[1:22:53] But like, you couldn't watch it right away.

[1:22:55] So you just like,

[1:22:57] looked at the box a lot.

[1:22:59] That was me with toys when I was a kid.

[1:23:02] I used to,

[1:23:03] I used to take like video game box.

[1:23:06] If I couldn't play video,

[1:23:07] like a video game when I first bought it,

[1:23:08] I'm like,

[1:23:09] I'm going to go take this to the bathroom and read the manual.

[1:23:12] And boy,

[1:23:13] the first time I took a new game to the bathroom,

[1:23:16] and I found out that they don't package them with manuals anymore.

[1:23:19] Because it's all like in-game information.

[1:23:22] I was so bummed.

[1:23:23] I just had to sit on the toilet and look at a fucking disc.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:28] And look at a fucking dick.

[1:23:30] I guess.

[1:23:32] Dan,

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:32] Dan,

[1:23:33] please.

[1:23:34] Dan,

[1:23:35] Dan.

[1:23:36] Yeah.

[1:23:37] Dan,

[1:23:39] Dan.

[1:23:40] Oh.

[1:23:40] Dan.

[1:23:41] Can I?

[1:23:42] Dan,

[1:23:43] please,

[1:23:44] please,

[1:23:44] Dan,

[1:23:45] Dan,

[1:23:45] Dan.

[1:23:47] Yeah.

[1:23:47] You got a message for us,

[1:23:48] Dan?

[1:23:49] Dan,

Dan McCoy

[1:23:50] Dan.

[1:23:51] first off,

[1:23:52] Dan,

[1:23:53] Dan.

[1:23:54] If you want to get up on the Jumbotron,

[1:23:56] go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

[1:24:00] But,

[1:24:00] I also want to thank a few people for things they've sent.

[1:24:04] I want to thank Alan for the copy of Zolar,

[1:24:07] the extreme sports movie.

[1:24:10] Christine for the three Christian DVDs.

[1:24:13] Tim for the creepy collector card set.

[1:24:16] Dan for the copy of Pass the Ammunition.

[1:24:20] Billy for the three books.

[1:24:21] And Steve for the monster posters.

[1:24:24] So,

[1:24:24] thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:25] And I'd like to thank everybody who came out to my little Flophouse meetup at Gen Con.

[1:24:29] What?

[1:24:30] I guess that was last week now.

[1:24:32] Thanks for coming and hanging out in the lobby of a hotel and playing a game where most of the answers were me or my friends' jokes.

[1:24:42] I kind of felt like a dumbass for making people do that.

[1:24:45] But you guys were all really cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:49] I'd like to thank all the people who have read our Flophouse Funnies comic books.

[1:24:54] And I want to make sure they know that there's more on the way.

[1:24:57] And I want to thank all the people who are going to be at our live shows coming up in the fall.

[1:25:02] Ooh.

[1:25:03] Ah.

[1:25:04] Exciting.

[1:25:05] Ooh.

[1:25:06] In October, we've got one in LA.

[1:25:09] One in LA on October 8th.

[1:25:11] We've got one in Toronto on October 21st.

[1:25:13] And we've got one in San Francisco.

[1:25:16] When is that?

[1:25:17] December something?

[1:25:19] December.

[1:25:20] December 9th.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:22] Uh.

[1:25:23] December 9th.

[1:25:24] We had said before that the Toronto show was sold out.

[1:25:27] I heard a rumor that people were still getting tickets.

[1:25:30] So maybe check on that if you are possibly interested.

[1:25:35] And it could be that we got misinformation.

[1:25:39] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:40] Everybody thought they were getting tickets to Chapo Flophouse.

[1:25:43] Then they found out they were wrong and they're returning them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:46] Yep.

[1:25:46] Dan, I think, Dan, you said you want just a really intimate show of like just 10 people in there with us, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:25:54] Right.

[1:25:54] Yeah, that's it.

[1:25:55] It's more of a cabaret.

[1:25:57] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:58] And everyone gets served drinks and curly fries?

[1:26:00] Is that what they do at cabaret shows?

[1:26:03] That's right.

[1:26:04] So, Dan, what you're saying is everybody knows that the Toronto show sold out.

[1:26:08] The Toronto show sold out.

[1:26:10] But what your book supposes is maybe it didn't?

[1:26:14] Yeah.

[1:26:14] That's right.

[1:26:15] That's a Royal Tenenbaums joke.

[1:26:17] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:19] Was it a joke or was it a reference?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:21] What's the difference in today's internet world, Dan?

[1:26:24] Make a meme out of it.

[1:26:25] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:28] So now it's time for letters from listeners.

[1:26:32] Listeners like you.

[1:26:35] And the first letter is from Jana, who writes, Greetings from North Yorkshire, England.

[1:26:43] The other night I introduced my husband to Elliot product placement, Mystery Science Theater 3000.

[1:26:49] Woo!

[1:26:51] Although she was watching the classic episodes.

[1:26:53] It's because she says she watched Manos, the hands of fate.

[1:26:57] Although it is a very well rated 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

[1:27:02] I was introduced to my new favorite B movie character, Torgo.

[1:27:07] Yeah, everybody loves Torgo.

[1:27:08] Let's be clear.

[1:27:09] This is a Z movie.

[1:27:10] This is not a B movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:13] Manos is barely a movie.

[1:27:15] It's about as low as movies get.

[1:27:18] Still, look.

[1:27:19] You gotta be, you gotta give credit to anybody who says, I don't know how to make a movie,

[1:27:23] but I'm gonna make one anyway.

[1:27:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:26] I guess you do.

[1:27:28] I guess that's one philosophy of life.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:30] I guess you don't gotta.

[1:27:31] Now that I think about it, you don't gotta give credit to a guy who says, I don't know how

[1:27:34] to make a movie.

[1:27:35] And you're like, maybe you should just like not do that and do something else more useful,

[1:27:39] like start a soup kitchen.

[1:27:40] Yeah.

[1:27:41] Just imagine how bad the soup kitchen that the guy who made Manos would make.

[1:27:45] The soup would be inedible.

[1:27:46] They'd just throw it at people and they wouldn't even give it to poor people.

[1:27:49] They'd give it to us like cats and dogs.

[1:27:52] Yeah.

[1:27:53] So anyway.

[1:27:53] And not, and not, and not poor cats and dogs, not strays.

[1:27:57] Very wealthy ones who do not need that soup.

[1:28:00] Yeah.

[1:28:00] They're used to eating fancy feast.

[1:28:02] They're used to eating fancy feast out of crystal goblets.

[1:28:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:07] Anyway, Torgo has taken over.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:08] Just like in Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal goblet.

[1:28:13] Full of fancy feast.

[1:28:15] Boy, that was a disappointing one, right?

[1:28:17] They're really looking, they've got, they're going really way down the list for MacGuffins

[1:28:20] in these movies.

[1:28:22] He's like, he's like legend tells of a crystal goblet that the wealthiest cat in the world

[1:28:27] would eat its food out of.

[1:28:29] We've got to put it in a museum.

[1:28:31] Yeah.

[1:28:31] But also this.

[1:28:32] Yeah.

[1:28:33] Mutts on the case.

[1:28:34] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:36] Isn't that Shia LaBeouf's character, Mutts?

[1:28:39] Yeah.

[1:28:39] His name is Mutts.

[1:28:40] And he goes, I hate cats.

[1:28:40] That's the name of a dog, guys.

[1:28:42] Yeah.

[1:28:45] He's like, I hate cats, love snakes.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:47] So I hope that answers your question.

[1:28:49] No, there's more letter.

[1:28:51] Torgo has taken over from my previous favorite, Zardoz.

[1:28:54] I never thought I could find another character I could adore more than a floating head that

[1:28:58] can treat Sean Connery postponed as an inferior being.

[1:29:02] Tell Torgo, oh, Torgo.

[1:29:05] So my question to gentlemen is this.

[1:29:07] Oh, Torgo.

[1:29:09] What is your favorite character from a B-movie?

[1:29:11] Perhaps a character that most people wouldn't know about that won you over because the character

[1:29:15] made the film just a little less intolerable.

[1:29:18] And a second question, if you have the time.

[1:29:21] After the girl on girl on girl on girl on girl fight scene in Manos, I wanted to know

[1:29:26] what is the best worst fight scene you can remember?

[1:29:28] Again, that's from Jana.

[1:29:31] So there are two big questions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:36] Thanks for writing in, Jana.

[1:29:37] I've got an answer for that first question.

[1:29:38] My favorite character from a B-movie is someone I believe I've talked about on this podcast.

[1:29:42] And I know I talked about them on my recent appearance on Jordan Jesse Go.

[1:29:46] But that would be the robot janitor from Rotor.

[1:29:49] Rotor is a pretty, not very good, but pretty funny RoboCop ripoff.

[1:29:53] And there's a robot janitor that works in the laboratory where they invent a RoboCop.

[1:29:57] And he is so bumbling and absent-minded that my theory, I'll just state it again, that they

[1:30:03] had written a part for an absent-minded bumbling janitor and a robot auditioned and nailed the

[1:30:08] part and they just gave the part to the robot.

[1:30:10] But he's, he is like such a fun character.

[1:30:13] I would love to see a movie or comic book series just about that robot janitor.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:18] What do you think, Stu?

[1:30:19] Robert Logia in No Deposit?

[1:30:21] I mean, he's great in that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:23] Uh, it's, it's tough for me.

[1:30:25] Like both of these questions are kind of tough because I'm having trouble separating movies

[1:30:30] that are like B-movies from movies I actually like.

[1:30:33] Right.

[1:30:34] And from the B-movie.

[1:30:35] Uh-huh.

[1:30:36] Which is a movie I actually like.

[1:30:39] Uh, no, I'm kidding.

[1:30:40] I don't like that.

[1:30:41] Um.

[1:30:41] Have you seen the B-movie?

[1:30:43] No, no, I haven't seen the B-movie.

[1:30:45] Have you?

[1:30:46] Guys, let's watch a B-movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:47] Guys, let's stop judging things we haven't seen yet.

[1:30:50] Okay?

[1:30:52] Okay.

[1:30:52] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:53] So I shouldn't make a, shouldn't make any more B-movie jokes.

[1:30:56] Okay, guys.

[1:30:56] So Dan, after we're done recording this, go through all of the episodes we've ever recorded

[1:31:02] and edit out every reference I make to not liking the B-movie.

[1:31:06] Okay.

[1:31:07] And then re-put them all up on iTunes or SoundCloud or whatever you do.

[1:31:13] I don't know how you do it, but I don't know how you do that magic that you do.

[1:31:17] Yeah.

[1:31:18] Um, yeah, I don't know.

[1:31:20] Uh, I mean, like the first, I mean, I don't necessarily, I would call the Phantasm movies

[1:31:27] B-movies, but I don't think they're bad.

[1:31:29] They're just like, you know, they're kind of B-movies.

[1:31:32] And, uh, Reggie Bannister is a clear star in those movies as, uh, Reg.

[1:31:39] And he's, I mean, come on, he's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:43] You don't usually get a balding, ponytailed ice cream man.

[1:31:47] With a vest.

[1:31:48] But that's your hero.

[1:31:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:51] What I like about him is, is that he's a character who, the older he gets as the series goes

[1:31:57] on, the cooler they try to make him out to be.

[1:32:00] Like, I feel like in the first movie, he's very clearly the kind of like goofy sidekick

[1:32:04] to the real cool older brother.

[1:32:06] But as he becomes the hero of the series as it goes on, they're like, oh shit, I guess we

[1:32:10] have to make him the cool guy.

[1:32:12] And it kind of works, but it's still pretty ridiculous.

[1:32:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:15] Oh man, it's so great.

[1:32:17] He's such a ladies man.

[1:32:18] Oh, it's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:19] Uh, and we don't have to answer the second question if we, if, if we don't have any good

[1:32:23] answers because you know, she was pretty sneaky sneaking in two questions like that.

[1:32:27] Pretty sneaky, Jana.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:29] Oh wait, I have, but I have, I have a nominee.

[1:32:31] I don't know if it's the best worst fight scene, but, uh, the fight scene in Jim Cotto where

[1:32:37] that pommel horse appears out of nowhere in, in that medieval village.

[1:32:40] That's pretty good.

[1:32:41] It's a pretty good bad fight scene.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:43] Uh, I just remembered something.

[1:32:45] This is not a movie, but I watched, uh, I watched.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:48] Something that really happened to me, but I got in a fight in third grade.

[1:32:51] I lost.

[1:32:52] That was the worst fight.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:53] Yeah.

[1:32:54] Uh, the NBC had their terrible Peter Pan, uh, live production.

[1:33:03] And I watched some of that.

[1:33:04] And at the end, uh, Christopher Walken and Alison Williams have a sword fight and it is just

[1:33:11] as skilled as you would imagine.

[1:33:13] Both of those people being as fencers.

[1:33:16] Like, I think I tweeted at the time that it looked like a fight between two windshield

[1:33:19] wipers set on slow.

[1:33:22] And, uh, that was a pretty bad fight scene.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:25] And a way to promote your Twitter feed.

[1:33:27] That's at Dank McCoy.

[1:33:30] On Twitter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:31] Yeah.

[1:33:31] I've been, uh, speaking of whitewashing, I've been watching, uh, Iron Fist and, uh, man,

[1:33:37] that is some bad martial arts on that show.

[1:33:40] No, thank you.

[1:33:41] Uh, but that doesn't square.

[1:33:42] Cause he's supposed to be the greatest martial arts fighter in the world.

[1:33:45] I know.

[1:33:45] Maybe they, maybe they slowed it down for Western audiences to see like they did to Jet Li

[1:33:51] and Lethal Weapon 4.

[1:33:53] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:54] Who knows?

[1:33:55] And Bruce Lee when he was, when he was on the Green Hornet show.

[1:33:58] Yeah.

[1:33:59] They were like, slow it down, Bruce.

[1:34:00] Slow it down.

[1:34:01] Cause he also used to deliver his lines as fast as he could fight.

[1:34:04] Yeah.

[1:34:04] And that's where-

[1:34:05] You gotta get that, you gotta get it out.

[1:34:07] Time's money.

[1:34:08] A young boy watched that on TV and was like, hey, and that boy grew up to be, oh no, and

[1:34:13] that boy's name was the Micromachines Man.

[1:34:17] And now you know the rest of the story.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:21] Uh, this next letter goes like this.

[1:34:24] It's from Trevor, last name withheld.

[1:34:26] Trevor Noah, your boss?

[1:34:27] Wow.

[1:34:28] Yeah.

[1:34:29] Uh, I'm new to the show, so I'm going through your back catalog.

[1:34:33] Sorry about some of those.

[1:34:34] I just listened to the, I just listened to the Atlas Shrugged episode and I have to say,

[1:34:39] I love the addition of new co-host Shubin Parang.

[1:34:42] He's so much more insightful and engaging than that party animal he used to be on the show.

[1:34:46] I think his name was Selbert Walkinghorn.

[1:34:50] It's crazy that you waited so long since the Trespass episode to make him a permanent host,

[1:34:54] but I guess Elliot had to go through an audition too.

[1:34:56] I can't wait to continue listening to this new, presumably permanent edition of the show.

[1:35:01] Yep.

[1:35:01] And since he mentioned in the Atlas episode that he never got fan mail, hopefully this

[1:35:05] will make his day.

[1:35:06] My question is, what actor would you love to see in a remake of a film you love?

[1:35:11] I thought Oscar Isaac would do a great job of the Nicholson role in five easy pieces.

[1:35:15] And I love the idea of a remake of The Conversation starring Nicolas Cage.

[1:35:20] Seriously.

[1:35:22] And for some reason, Shubin isn't around when you answer this.

[1:35:24] Feel free to direct this towards whatever awesome dude happens to be in the studio.

[1:35:28] Love, Trevor, last name withheld.

[1:35:32] Oh, Stuart.

[1:35:34] No, it's cool, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:36] You know, I take it in stride.

[1:35:38] Water off a stew's back.

[1:35:39] You know what they say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:42] Wait, wait.

[1:35:42] Why would you pour water in your stew?

[1:35:44] It's already pretty watery.

[1:35:46] It's stew.

[1:35:46] You don't want to make it.

[1:35:47] It's got to be thick.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:49] I guess.

[1:35:50] But maybe you want soup to feed your fancy animals.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:53] I guess.

[1:35:53] But you want like a thick roux.

[1:35:55] You know, you don't want it to be too watered down.

[1:35:57] Roux McClendahan, that is.

[1:35:58] There's no thicker.

[1:35:59] I was going to say roux from the hundred-acre roux.

[1:36:02] I just love my thick roux.

[1:36:05] McClanahan trumps Winnie the Pooh reference.

[1:36:07] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:08] So, actor you'd like to see in a film you love.

[1:36:12] Oh, man.

[1:36:13] It's hard to replace people in films you love, though.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:16] Well, you know, it's.

[1:36:17] Yeah.

[1:36:17] I mean, like my favorite movie, Take a Pelham on 2-3.

[1:36:19] It could be updated.

[1:36:20] And you know who might have the chops to be like a charismatic bad guy like Robert Shaw,

[1:36:24] but still dignified?

[1:36:25] Maybe like John Travolta.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:27] Okay.

[1:36:27] I'm following you.

[1:36:28] You know, he can play a believable, badass, cool guy like no other actor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:35] Yeah.

[1:36:35] And Walter Matthau's part is a real hangdog kind of like schmo who's just put in this situation,

[1:36:40] but he's more clever than you think.

[1:36:42] So when I think like kind of a like loser who never gets what's going to him is kind of hangdog.

[1:36:46] I think maybe like Denzel Washington, maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:49] Wow.

[1:36:50] I think you hit that nailed it in one, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:52] Yeah.

[1:36:53] That's what I would say.

[1:36:53] Yeah.

[1:36:55] I think it would be an interesting experiment, though.

[1:36:58] If you if you had to, you had to recast taking Pelham 1-2-3, who actually would you recast it with, do you think?

[1:37:05] I'm trying to think of like, hmm.

[1:37:08] Like John Turturro, maybe in the Walter Matthau role.

[1:37:13] He's kind of like got a like a bit of the same vibe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:16] I could see that.

[1:37:17] I could see that.

[1:37:19] That sound was John Turturro driving by outside honking his horn.

[1:37:23] In approval.

[1:37:25] Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you who would play the Martin Balsam sneezy guy role.

[1:37:30] Wallace Shawn.

[1:37:31] Oh, perfect.

[1:37:33] I would love to see Wallace Shawn in a heist.

[1:37:35] Actually, I'd love to see Wallace Shawn in the Robert Shaw role.

[1:37:38] I think that would be amazing.

[1:37:39] He's just like a super tough as nails guy.

[1:37:43] But he's very unassuming when you see him.

[1:37:45] But he's like pointing guns at people.

[1:37:47] He's giving mean speeches.

[1:37:48] I would love to see that.

[1:37:49] And you know what?

[1:37:50] You know who could play the Walter Matthau part?

[1:37:52] Who's got a kind of like hangdog feel?

[1:37:54] Wallace Shawn.

[1:37:55] So I think you have Wallace Shawn in both parts.

[1:37:57] And you call it the taking of Wallace Shawn.

[1:37:59] One, two.

[1:38:00] And that's it.

[1:38:01] Because there's just two of them in there.

[1:38:03] Oh, but he's the Martin Balsam sneezy guy.

[1:38:05] So that's three.

[1:38:05] The taking of Wallace Shawn.

[1:38:06] One, two, three.

[1:38:07] Because there's three Wallace Shawns in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:11] That sounds great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:13] But I could also see.

[1:38:14] What if you did a remake of like the front page?

[1:38:19] Dan, who would you put?

[1:38:20] Or rather, His Girl Friday.

[1:38:21] Who would you put in that, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:38:24] Yeah, I was thinking about that.

[1:38:26] Because I was like, what are some favorite movies of mine?

[1:38:28] And I guess the accepted Cary Grant replacement these days is George Clooney.

[1:38:38] I think he could probably do it in a fun way.

[1:38:43] I mean, he's no Cary Grant.

[1:38:45] But he's like the closest thing we have.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:49] He's the Cary Grant we deserve, even if it's not the Cary Grant we want.

[1:38:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:54] You need a real brassy dame for the woman.

[1:38:59] And I don't know.

[1:39:00] Women don't get a chance to show off that side in movies that much.

[1:39:05] So I don't know who would be.

[1:39:09] Like, if you're going for like, I mean, I keep thinking Jennifer Jason Leigh just because of the Hudsucker proxy.

[1:39:17] But that's boring.

[1:39:18] I feel like.

[1:39:20] The Hudsucker proxy is boring.

[1:39:23] Damn it.

[1:39:23] You know what I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:24] That's what reviewers at the time said.

[1:39:26] They were wrong.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:27] What if you went like more like Daffy with the role?

[1:39:31] Like.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:31] Like a duck?

[1:39:32] Like Isla Fisher or something like that.

[1:39:34] Like a comedian woman.

[1:39:38] That might be fun.

[1:39:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:41] And if I had to recast the lead of Lawrence of Arabia, one of my favorite movies.

[1:39:47] I think.

[1:39:48] Oh, no.

[1:39:49] I started it like a joke.

[1:39:50] But no, I feel like I feel like Michael Fassbender has already styled himself as a Peter O'Toole type in Prometheus.

[1:39:58] That'll work for me.

[1:39:59] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:00] That's a good.

[1:40:01] That's a good one.

[1:40:03] Actually, this is one I have been thinking about.

[1:40:05] And any Hollywood executives are listening.

[1:40:07] It's something I would definitely write.

[1:40:09] Because I was thinking about who would who would I cast in a remake of The Thin Man?

[1:40:14] Like who would be Nick and Norrell Charles for me?

[1:40:16] And I think I would cast Anna Kendrick and Michael B. Jordan in those roles.

[1:40:22] In the Myrna Loy and William Powell roles.

[1:40:25] Interesting.

[1:40:25] I think they could pull it off easy.

[1:40:28] Easy peasy.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:30] Stuart, what was that face you're making?

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:32] I'm trying to remember those movies.

[1:40:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:36] Don't worry about it.

[1:40:37] It's never going to get done.

[1:40:38] Unless Hollywood, call me up.

[1:40:39] You know my fee.

[1:40:41] $700,000.

[1:40:43] Oh, that's not bad.

[1:40:44] Also, I don't own the rights to that IP.

[1:40:46] So, somebody else do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:50] Stuart.

[1:40:51] Yeah.

[1:40:52] The last letter is directed at you.

[1:40:55] Okay.

[1:40:55] I don't know who it's from.

[1:40:57] It's a mystery.

[1:40:58] Okay.

[1:40:59] It goes, what happened?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:00] Did your cat eat the rest of the letter?

[1:41:02] Like, what do you mean you don't know who it's from?

[1:41:04] Just arrived on your doorstep?

[1:41:05] Someone tied it to a brick and thrown it through your window?

[1:41:08] How did it get to you?

Dan McCoy

[1:41:08] Someone tied it to a baby in a bassinet that they put outside my door.

[1:41:12] And I threw the baby away, but I kept a note.

[1:41:14] I think that's the plot of Willow.

[1:41:18] So, it says, Stuart, what would happen if an ant had put on the one ring?

[1:41:22] Holy shit, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:27] Have you seen...

[1:41:28] You guys are hip to the internet, right?

[1:41:31] Yeah.

[1:41:32] Okay.

[1:41:32] You know that meme?

[1:41:33] Somewhat.

[1:41:34] You know that expanding brain meme where, you know, it'll be like one thing and it shows

[1:41:40] a head with a bunch of lightning bolts in it.

[1:41:42] Then the next thing, like, there's even more lightning bolts.

[1:41:45] Yeah.

[1:41:45] You know what I'm talking about.

[1:41:47] Yeah, yeah.

[1:41:48] We're talking about maximum brain lightning bolts here.

[1:41:51] Because the ant, oh my god, would he...

[1:41:54] I guess he would see...

[1:41:55] First off, I guess ants have fingers.

[1:41:58] I guess the magic would work that way.

[1:42:00] I think the tree would probably turn invisible.

[1:42:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:06] It seems like a pretty simple explanation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:09] No, hear me out, guys.

[1:42:10] Okay.

[1:42:11] When the ant puts the ring on, it would turn invisible.

[1:42:14] Okay.

[1:42:16] Yeah.

[1:42:16] I can see that.

[1:42:17] Case closed.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:20] Thanks.

[1:42:21] Thanks, Detective Stu.

[1:42:22] You did it.

[1:42:23] You did it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:24] People said you couldn't do it.

[1:42:25] And I also think...

[1:42:26] No, you did it.

[1:42:27] You cracked that one.

[1:42:29] I also think the ant would be able to resist the lure of Sauron.

[1:42:33] Yeah.

[1:42:34] So it'd be invisible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:36] Forever.

[1:42:38] Just...

[1:42:38] And every now and then someone would just bump into an invisible tree.

[1:42:42] Yep.

[1:42:44] Pretty cool, right?

[1:42:45] What a story that could have been.

[1:42:46] If a tree puts on a magic ring and then falls down and there's no

[1:42:50] one around to see it because it's invisible and they can't hear it either.

[1:42:53] Does it make a sound?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:55] Wait.

[1:42:55] But you said it doesn't make a sound.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:57] And you said up to the question.

[1:42:58] You're right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:59] I answered my own question there.

[1:43:01] That's a real tummy teaser.

[1:43:03] Wait.

[1:43:04] Hold on.

[1:43:04] It's a tummy teaser.

[1:43:05] So now what do we do on this show?

[1:43:07] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:08] Wait.

[1:43:08] I want to know what a tummy teaser is.

[1:43:11] Is it when you chew gum and your tummy's like, oh boy, he's chewing.

[1:43:15] Some food's going to show up and then it doesn't.

[1:43:17] Because you spit it out.

[1:43:18] I feel...

Dan McCoy

[1:43:19] To me, it's like a brain teaser.

[1:43:21] But it's like you go to one of those molecular gastronomy restaurants and they send out like

[1:43:26] an amuse-bouche that it's like one thing that tastes like another thing.

[1:43:30] And they're like, oh, it's a real tummy teaser.

[1:43:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:33] They're like, please enjoy this fried egg.

[1:43:37] And you're like, okay, I'll eat this egg.

[1:43:39] Wait a minute.

[1:43:40] This doesn't taste like eggs at all.

[1:43:41] And they're like, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:44] Yeah.

[1:43:44] They're the real imps of the gastronomic world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:49] Yeah.

[1:43:50] Yeah.

[1:43:50] Elliot, what do you think about imps?

[1:43:51] So what do we do on this show?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:56] Oh, the last thing we do is we recommend movies that we liked instead of going to see Ghost

[1:44:02] in the Shell, which I think even the ones of us that sort of liked it would recommend

[1:44:07] you not do that.

[1:44:08] Yeah.

[1:44:10] Elliot, what do you got?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:12] Well, I originally was going to recommend Under the Skin as I feel like it tried to do a

[1:44:18] similar thing to this movie philosophically in a much more effective way.

[1:44:22] But Dan mentioned it already.

[1:44:24] So I don't know if I'm going to recommend it or not.

[1:44:27] I am going to say that if you want to see a movie where Scarlett Johansson is questioning

[1:44:32] what it means to be human and it's very creepy and spooky, then Under the Skin is the one

[1:44:37] to go see.

[1:44:38] Lucy?

[1:44:39] Lucy?

[1:44:40] Lucy is not so spooky.

[1:44:43] And Lucy is one of those movies that like it first started going and I was like, this

[1:44:46] is going to be crazy.

[1:44:47] And after a certain point, I was like, it felt like eating too much candy where I was like,

Dan McCoy

[1:44:52] oh, my tummy hurts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:55] I teased it too much.

[1:44:56] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:58] I'm going to make up for Elliot's partial recommendation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:02] Well, I do have another partial recommendation if that counts as one recommendation.

[1:45:06] Okay.

[1:45:07] Two partials.

[1:45:07] Just last night I watched the movie Captain Fantastic with Viggo Mortensen where he is

[1:45:13] a dad who has decided to raise his children off the grid in the woods because he doesn't

[1:45:18] trust corporations or the system we all live in.

[1:45:22] It's not a place for human equality and human potential.

[1:45:26] But because of a tragedy in their family, he has to take them back into what we would know

[1:45:31] as what we call the real world.

[1:45:34] And they all kind of deal with the fact that for all the things they know about surviving

[1:45:38] in the woods, there's a lot they don't know about living in modern life and the tensions

[1:45:42] in that family.

[1:45:43] And I didn't love it completely.

[1:45:45] I felt like it was a movie that still fell into some of the tropes that like a family

[1:45:51] on a road trip to learn something about themselves movie would fall into like Little Miss Sunshine

[1:45:56] or something.

[1:45:57] But what I liked about it was that the acting in it is really good.

[1:46:01] Everyone's really good at it.

[1:46:02] But that Viggo Mortensen's character is like this very self-righteous, you know, one of

[1:46:09] these guys who's like, I'm going to devote myself to making my kids as great as they can

[1:46:13] be and we're going to live by our ideals.

[1:46:16] And there are things that are admirable about him in that way and things that are not.

[1:46:19] And that he is allowed as a character in the film to be both charismatic and also a real

[1:46:26] piece of crap at times.

[1:46:28] And his ideology is neither so much better than everything we do, but it's also not a

[1:46:34] totally dumb, silly thing.

[1:46:37] Like it's a movie that allows its character to be a little right and a little wrong in a

[1:46:40] way that a lot of movies don't seem to allow.

[1:46:43] And I like that about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:48] I have two recommendations and they're both kind of qualified.

[1:46:54] I recently did some flying around the around the country of ours, this country.

[1:46:59] And I talking to the salt of the earth.

[1:47:03] I flew to Naptown, USA.

[1:47:08] And on the flight both ways, I watched a movie on the way out.

[1:47:13] I watched a split M night Shyamalan movie about James McAvoy having a whole bunch of personalities

[1:47:21] in his head.

[1:47:23] And it's, you know, I think it's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:27] I wish I wish you said this way, but you know that James McAvoy's got a whole lot of personality

[1:47:30] too much.

[1:47:31] Some would say in M night Shyamalan split.

[1:47:34] But you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:35] Yeah.

[1:47:35] Elliot did a better punch up of split than I just did.

[1:47:38] It.

[1:47:39] Yeah.

[1:47:39] I think it's, I think it's a fun little thriller.

[1:47:42] I think it's a little slight that it there's a lot of buildup to get to the end.

[1:47:49] And it feels, it feels like it doesn't quite need its whole hour and 50 minute runtime,

[1:47:56] but you know, it was, it was pretty fun.

[1:47:59] And the fact that it's part of this new M night Shyamalan verse with unbreakable is very

[1:48:06] exciting.

[1:48:07] Uh, that universe called Philadelphia and, uh, Denzel Washington.

[1:48:13] There is.

[1:48:14] And there is a really great scene of James McAvoy dancing around, which is awesome.

[1:48:20] Uh, and I, on the way back, I watched a movie called Dave made a maze, which is on streaming

[1:48:28] on a lot of VOD services right now.

[1:48:30] And it's about an artist who, uh, can never seem to finish projects.

[1:48:35] And while his girlfriend is away for the weekend, he builds a maze out of cardboard in his living

[1:48:42] room.

[1:48:43] That seems very small, but once he's inside it, he gets lost and his girlfriend has to

[1:48:49] assemble friends of his to go inside this, uh, go inside the maze and get him out of there.

[1:48:56] Uh, you know, it's much larger on the inside than on the outside.

[1:49:00] And it, uh, it's a movie that feels like it was, I think it was probably meant to be a shorter

[1:49:07] film and the, there's definitely some padding, uh, padding in it, but the, like the design

[1:49:15] is so great.

[1:49:16] And the, uh, like it's this whole, like maze made out of cardboard.

[1:49:21] And although all the, uh, the traps are made out of cardboard and it just looks great.

[1:49:26] And it's, uh, it's pretty fun.

[1:49:27] And James Urbaniak is awesome in it.

[1:49:31] He's really charming in us, uh, in a support role.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:35] Uh, I have a movie that I was going to recommend a different movie, but the themes of Ghost in

[1:49:40] the Shell inspire me to recommend a movie that I saw just, uh, two days ago, I believe.

[1:49:48] I can't remember when I do things.

[1:49:50] Uh, it's called Marjorie Prime and it's about, uh, a world where there are these things called

[1:49:57] primes that are fake, uh, sort of images of people.

[1:50:05] Like dead people in your life that you use as therapy devices, uh, to talk to.

[1:50:11] And, uh, it stars Lois Smith as an elderly woman who has a prime of her husband played

[1:50:19] by John Hamm.

[1:50:20] And it helps her with her Alzheimer's and just like being happy in her life.

[1:50:27] And she's living with her, uh, daughter played by Gina Davis and her husband played by Tom,

[1:50:35] uh, Tim Robbins.

[1:50:37] Sorry.

[1:50:38] And, uh, it's a movie that has a lot to say about, uh, aging and death.

[1:50:46] Uh, but also about memory and how our memories are not necessarily accurate.

[1:50:56] They're memories of memories and these primes are learning other people's memories and sort

[1:51:03] of what that means to like their humanity, whether that sort of turns them more human.

[1:51:09] Uh, and it talks about like legacy, these primes sort of live on after the people that they're

[1:51:17] representing have gone and, and what that means, uh, to their, to the, I don't know what,

[1:51:25] what that means, uh, philosophically.

[1:51:28] Um, it's a very good movie.

[1:51:30] It's, it's just a bunch of conversations in one house.

[1:51:33] It was based on a play, but it still feels engaging even though like they haven't like opened

[1:51:40] up the play as they say, uh, all the acting is terrific.

[1:51:44] And, uh, it's worth saying it's playing in exactly one theater in New York.

[1:51:50] So that means that pretty much anywhere else in the world, you can't see it.

[1:51:55] Uh, but I'm sure it'll be on demand or on a DVD.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:00] It's not one of those movies where after the runtime, they, uh, put it in a box in a museum

[1:52:05] or Martin Screlly buys it.

[1:52:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:08] They just give it to Martin Screlly and he webcams himself watching it, but you can't

[1:52:12] see it.

[1:52:12] And he just goes, Oh, this is good.

[1:52:14] Too bad you'll never see it.

[1:52:15] Yeah.

[1:52:16] Yeah.

[1:52:17] Uh, so great.

[1:52:19] Wait, a bunch more recommendations.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:22] Okay.

[1:52:23] So what do we do now that we've recommended movies?

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:25] Now, uh, now that we've pushed the bounds of how long a flop house episode should ever

Dan McCoy

[1:52:29] go.

[1:52:30] Yeah.

[1:52:31] Uh, and it's our first, as I said, remote episode.

[1:52:35] So things, things went well, guys.

[1:52:37] Things are good.

[1:52:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:38] Thanks for, thanks for bearing with us.

[1:52:40] Yeah.

[1:52:41] Yeah.

[1:52:41] To all the sound quality will improve.

[1:52:43] I promise.

[1:52:44] What are the other things we can say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:46] Uh, our, our timing will get better and our rhythm, our rhythm will come back.

[1:52:50] Although it wasn't the rhythm.

[1:52:51] It's going to get you, you know?

[1:52:52] Yeah.

[1:52:53] The rhythm is going to get you.

[1:52:54] Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night.

[1:52:56] Yeah.

[1:52:56] Uh, flute player, play that flute.

[1:52:58] Yeah.

[1:52:58] I know you want to get your thing on.

[1:53:00] Turn the beat around.

[1:53:02] Um, before we go.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:04] Caribbean queen, we're sharing the same dream.

[1:53:06] Just really quick.

[1:53:08] Uh, we're part of the network, uh, maximum fun network.

[1:53:11] Uh, go to maximum fun.

[1:53:13] Uh, go to maximum fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:13] Dot org.

[1:53:14] Listen to a bunch of other great programs on our network.

[1:53:17] And, uh, I guess that's it guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:20] I guess it is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:21] I guess it is.

[1:53:23] Hey, you know what?

[1:53:24] I feel like I've got something to share and I need to share it with you guys.

[1:53:28] What's that?

[1:53:29] It's a song.

[1:53:31] Uh, oh, but this episode's so long.

[1:53:32] I'll tell you what.

[1:53:33] I'll do it next time.

[1:53:34] Okay.

[1:53:35] Well, hey guys.

[1:53:36] I want to apologize to the listeners for not having a song this time.

[1:53:39] And I want to say to the listeners, you're welcome for not having a song this time.

[1:53:43] Cause I know it's very divisive, but, uh, for the flop house, Dan, who are we?

[1:53:49] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:53:51] I am Stuart Wellington beep boop.

[1:53:53] Or am I?

[1:53:55] And this is Elliot Kalen dude from California, man.

[1:53:58] Hey bro.

[1:53:59] Oh no.

[1:54:00] Oh no.

[1:54:01] It's happening.

[1:54:03] Join us next time for small member.

[1:54:06] Good night, everyone.

[1:54:07] Bye.

[1:54:13] That's what they want from the Stuart Wellington celebrity experience.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:22] Yeah.

[1:54:23] Uh, yeah.

[1:54:23] They got the whole thing.

[1:54:25] We all, uh, I gave them all 10 minutes to scrub me down in the shower.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:30] Oh, okay.

[1:54:32] Wait, so wait, they all had 10 minutes as a group or each person got 10 minutes individually?

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:38] Each person.

[1:54:39] Wow.

[1:54:40] The water was very cold by the time I finished my shower.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:43] Over a three hour shower.

[1:54:44] That's a long shower.

[1:54:46] You must've been so like, you, you get clean, but then you get dirty again from a shower like that.

[1:54:51] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:53] So much wasted water.

[1:54:55] Yeah.

[1:54:55] Cause I'm eating chili and stuff in there too.

[1:54:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:57] Cause you need to give the people at the late end something to clean off.

[1:55:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:02] Maximumfun.org.

[1:55:04] Comedy and culture.

[1:55:05] Artist owned.

[1:55:06] Listener supported.

Ep, #239 - Ghost in the Shell

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