Ep. #240 - Sicilian Vampire

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Sicilian Vampire.

[0:05] Surgeon General's warning. Sicilian Vampire breaks down into roughly 95% Sicilian, 5% Vampire.

[0:13] Mamma Mia!

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:44] I am Stuart Willington.

[0:48] And over here, it's Elliot Kalin. Dan, what are we doing on this podcast?

[0:53] Oh, wow. Jumping right in. This is a podcast...

[0:55] Dan, this movie that we are about to talk about is so nutso that I kind of don't want to waste time on our usual bullshit where we're just like,

[1:05] squawkity squawk, deedly dock, here, let's talk about whatever.

[1:08] And Stuart's like, hey, dudes, this thing happened. And Dan, you're like, wop, wop, wop.

[1:12] And I'm like, hey, guys, what? But then here's a word that sounds like another word, and here's a tangent.

[1:17] And then Stuart's like, yeah, dude, that's pretty cool. And Dan's like, oh, I don't know.

[1:21] And I'm like, hey, guys, let's do this other thing. And then Stuart's like, hey, what about this?

[1:25] And Dan's like, let's get started already. And I'm like, no, no, no, here's a distraction already.

[1:29] And Stuart's like, yeah, let's keep making fun of Dan. And Dan's like, stop it, guys, I don't like that.

[1:33] And I'm like, yeah, no, it's pretty funny, but I guess we should stop. Anyway, Dan, what do we do on the podcast?

[1:36] Yeah, you got it. To a T.

[1:38] And then Dan, you start. So I don't even want to waste anybody's time. Let's just get right into the show.

[1:43] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[1:45] Okay, Dan, now cut that audio. That is our new ad that we're going to run on all other Max Fund programs.

[1:51] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:55] And it's September, guys, which means that other than Ghost in the Shell, which was a mistake, we talk about small movies.

[2:04] In so many ways.

[2:06] It's small-tember.

[2:08] Small-vember.

[2:10] Small-vember, yeah.

[2:12] The V.

[2:14] And vampire.

[2:16] Very accurate for this one.

[2:17] Movies we normally wouldn't watch. Movies that normally fall beyond our purview.

[2:22] Wait, wait, wait, guys. You said it's small-vember.

[2:27] But when I look at the title of the movie, I'm thinking, isn't this more of a Shocktober movie?

[2:35] Oh, because it's got a vampire in it. You would be wrong.

[2:38] There is a paucity of shocks in this movie.

[2:42] Now, let's talk about the small-vember purview.

[2:44] Now, normally on this show, we want to punch up.

[2:47] We don't want to punch down.

[2:49] You know why? Punching up is better for your shoulder muscles.

[2:52] Punching down is actually very hard on your knees.

[2:54] And so we want to punch up to people who are big, famous celebs making a lot of money.

[2:59] But every now and then, we want to punch down at some misguided loser somewhere who decided to pour his own personal bucks into what he thought was going to be a great movie.

[3:10] And instead, he doesn't know what he's doing, and it turns out to be Sicilian Vampire.

[3:15] Spoiler alert, it's not very good.

[3:17] And that misguided guy in this case is Frank D'Angelo, who we previously encountered in small-vember with no deposit.

[3:25] Now, I want to announce this right off the bat.

[3:28] Now, is punching down hard on your knees because after doing it and getting busted, you have to fall to your knees in contrition and hope that people don't get mad at you anymore?

[3:38] Exactly. And that falling to your knees is a lot of wear and tear because you're usually on cobblestones.

[3:45] Oh, wow.

[3:47] It really hurts.

[3:48] Hanging out in the historic district, I guess.

[3:50] But if you don't fall on your knees, you won't hear the angels' voices.

[3:53] So you got to do it according to the song.

[3:56] Now, Dan, I'm going to announce it right off the bat.

[3:59] Dan and Stu, this small-vember is what I'm terming small-vember all-stars.

[4:04] Yeah.

[4:06] Small-vember, small of fame. Forget all-stars. Let's call it small-stars.

[4:11] It's either small-vember, small-stars or small-vember, small of fame. Whichever one you want. They both work.

[4:17] Yeah, listeners, write in with your favorite choice and we'll tally up all the letters we receive.

[4:22] And then we'll throw them in the trash.

[4:24] And it's taking place in your favorite season, small.

[4:30] Oh, okay. Yeah, I get it.

[4:32] Small-tem? Is that autumn?

[4:34] No.

[4:36] Anyway, here's the thing to remember about – so this week, it's Frank D'Angelo, who we remember from No Deposit.

[4:42] We shouldn't mention who the other small-vember, small-star is.

[4:45] I think people can guess, but we'll keep it a surprise.

[4:48] People can guess that he's the most brilliant maker of weird garbage there ever was.

[4:52] Wow.

[4:54] But this time, we're stuck with Frank D'Angelo.

[4:56] Now, for anyone who didn't listen to No Deposit, Dan Seward, how would you describe Frank D'Angelo?

[4:59] Other than that, he's a super successful Toronto-based beverage magnate.

[5:03] He's a Canadian mafioso wannabe quadruple threat.

[5:10] Yeah, he writes, he directs, he stars, and he sings.

[5:15] Yeah, it feels like every movie is a delivery system for a hot new soundtrack full of covers by Frank D'Angelo.

[5:22] I feel like Frank D'Angelo is like – he's like the low-budget answer, Canadian answer to Seth MacFarlane.

[5:29] Yeah, okay.

[5:31] Seth MacFarlane has multiple television shows and movies, and it's all just to make it so that he can get audiences in to hear him sing standards, big music shows.

[5:41] And as Stuart pointed out, he usually mixes the songs louder than his own dialogue.

[5:48] I would call them competing soundtracks.

[5:52] Well, the exciting thing about No Deposit was that – wasn't it that when you order the DVD, it's just a bonus disc that comes with the soundtrack?

[6:01] That's right. Yeah.

[6:03] Because at heart, he's a singer. At heart, he's a wannabe gangster.

[6:06] Yeah, yeah. I feel like Seth MacFarlane, his whole career is this complicated plan so that he can host the Tonys.

[6:16] Oh, yeah.

[6:17] I mean he probably has hosted the Tonys. I don't actually pay enough attention to stuff, but I feel like everything he does –

[6:23] He hosted the Oscars.

[6:25] Oh, okay. Did he? How have I forgotten that already?

[6:28] Do you remember he sang that song about actresses whose boobs he's –

[6:32] Oh, yeah. That was horrible.

[6:35] Okay. So moving on, now that we're done talking shit about people, let's talk about this movie.

[6:42] What was weird was that was a sponsor spot for The Orville, which premieres tonight, Sunday, September 10th on Fox.

[6:50] Hey, guys. You ever wanted to see Star Trek and thought, I wish there were a couple jokes scattered throughout the show?

[6:56] The Orville starring Seth MacFarlane on Fox.

[6:59] Do you want to see a funny version of Star Trek but not as good as Galaxy Quest?

[7:04] Do you want to see a movie that probably makes the pilot that I wrote impossible to sell?

[7:09] Watch The Orville.

[7:11] Well, one, it's a TV show, not a movie.

[7:13] No, no, the pilot. What? No, I know. I wrote that Star Trek pilot.

[7:18] No, you ever want to see a movie.

[7:20] Oh, okay. Well, whatever. I don't care.

[7:23] It's okay, Dan. At least 50% of your burn made it through Elliot's web of blocking.

[7:30] That's true. Good point.

[7:32] Through the cheesecloth that surrounds me.

[7:34] Dan, I want the listeners to create a family crest for you, and in Latin, the slogan is, well, whatever.

[7:43] Okay, guys. I didn't want to waste any time, but we've wasted it.

[7:47] Let's talk about Sicilian Vampire.

[7:49] Starring, directed, written by, and music by, and produced by Frank D'Angelo, which literally means Frank of the Angels.

[7:56] Does he sing like an angel? You better believe it.

[7:59] What a set of golden pipes, but that's not what we hear right away.

[8:02] I wanted – my notes for this movie, even though almost nothing happens in it, are very extensive, so let's get in there.

[8:09] This is going to be a long episode.

[8:11] So I'm assuming first we're going to talk about the poster for the movie that has some kind of weird image on it that every time I look at it, it gives me a headache, and I start getting nauseous.

[8:20] We'll get to that because it's the logo.

[8:22] It's weird that the logo for the movie has Frank D'Angelo's face in it, and it also has like a triple – one of those triskelion running leg symbols like the Isle of Man's flag, I think it is, and it has none of that.

[8:36] That never makes sense.

[8:38] It's just he wanted something that looked vaguely spooky, I guess.

[8:40] It looks like the description of a demon that you would read in like part of the Bible that you forgot about, and you're like, wait, that's supposed to be scary?

[8:48] It's a frog with a crown on it and then a pair of – four pairs of bird wings instead of legs?

[8:56] That sounds adorable.

[8:58] Yeah, terrifying.

[9:00] I want to look like that guy.

[9:02] Okay, so let's start from the very beginning, by which I mean the production logo.

[9:06] We open with the production logo for his company, In Your Ear Productions, which is like kind of cheap-looking CGI fireworks over a city.

[9:14] I like how that sounds like an insult.

[9:16] In your ear!

[9:18] In your ear!

[9:20] It feels like he is pouring the movie into your ear against your will, like you're strapped to a chair, and the movie is like his pee or something.

[9:28] I don't know. He's pouring into your ear. It's gross.

[9:30] Then we go to a cemetery.

[9:32] There's a voiceover from Frank D'Angelo in his mobster voice about how life is all about timing.

[9:37] Life can change in a moment, and he's Sicilian, and family is the most important thing to him.

[9:42] And there's this soulful choral music as he, in slow motion, walks into frame and sits on a tombstone.

[9:48] And he tells this, hey, I'm going to tell you a story. You judge for yourself if it's true.

[9:52] And then, bam, strobe effect.

[9:54] And then he goes, I don't want nobody to think I'm crazy.

[9:56] And then you cut to the title, which again has his face in the logo, which is…

[10:00] Crazy. Even Indiana Jones's face is not in the logos for his movies.

[10:05] Like, can you think of a single logo that has the star's face in it? That's crazy.

[10:10] Ultraman, maybe?

[10:12] The Phantom? I don't know.

[10:16] Or, like, the mask? These are all characters with, like, character faces. It's not just a dude's face.

[10:23] Like Jason Voorhees, basically. Jason would be in a Friday the 13th movie.

[10:28] Exactly. The bad guy's face is usually in the logo. That's what it is.

[10:33] But is there a Jason Voorhees in this movie?

[10:35] No.

[10:37] Wait. No, maybe.

[10:39] What?

[10:40] James Caan's in it.

[10:42] There are a ton of stars. James Caan, Daryl Hannah, Paul Sorvino, Robert Loggia, Robert Davi.

[10:50] Everyone's in this movie.

[10:52] Eric Roberts?

[10:54] Eric Roberts, Daniel Baldwin, Michael Paré, Armando Asante.

[11:00] All the people you remember from having second billing roles in the 90s are here.

[11:07] Armando Asante was the star of Fatal Instinct.

[11:11] Armando Asante was the star of the TV Odyssey thing.

[11:17] Remember? He played Odysseus, dude.

[11:21] Yeah. Come on. The greatest hero in Greek whatever.

[11:24] The smartest guy who pretended to be an old guy so he could kill a bunch of guys who were trying to sleep with his wife.

[11:31] Yeah, with his super tough bow and arrow.

[11:33] Yep.

[11:34] All right. Thanks for recapping Greek stories to me.

[11:37] The man's so brilliant that when a cyclops asked him who he was, he said, uh, nobody, and then left.

[11:46] What a brilliant con artist.

[11:50] We cut to It's the New York Skyline, and what song is playing?

[11:53] I'm just a gigolo.

[11:55] Get used to this song because you are going to hear it 70,000 times throughout the episode.

[12:00] And on the titles, you see the credits with what I can only call a parade of big names who should have known better.

[12:07] Many of the cast members of No Deposit also make an appearance in this film.

[12:11] Yeah, like is that guy Art Hindle? Art Hinkle?

[12:14] Art Hinkle?

[12:16] Yeah, the guy who made the proclamation in No Deposit.

[12:19] I gave up my brother for pussy.

[12:26] And there's three guys who are just in a car, driving along, singing along to I'm Just a Gigolo.

[12:32] There's – who are the guys? There's Armando Sante.

[12:35] There's, what, Michael Perry, and then this other guy.

[12:39] Yeah, yeah, some guy who's like the jerk of the group, like the Weasley guy.

[12:43] He's the little Weasley guy with glasses who nobody likes, but I don't know why they hang out with him.

[12:48] But these are the guys. These are Frank D'Angelo's boys.

[12:50] Anyway, they're singing along to I'm Just a Gigolo for a long time.

[12:53] They yell at the Weasley guy. They say, you can't sing.

[12:55] And then we cut to a Frank D'Angelo trademark, Frank D'Angelo waking up in bed next to a woman and then immediately arguing with her.

[13:03] It's his wife, Carmelina, played by Daryl Hannah.

[13:07] In a dark wig to make her Italian.

[13:12] It's like she's playing – Daryl Hannah's character, if I had to describe her, and I will, I would call like –

[13:18] it's like the Real Housewives of Long Island Addams Family edition.

[13:22] If Morticia Addams was a real housewife on TV, this would be Daryl Hannah's character.

[13:27] And all she does, all movie, is cook food for Frank and talk to him about food.

[13:32] Long lists of Italian foods.

[13:35] It's like she just starts reading a menu to him throughout the movie at different points.

[13:40] And she does almost all of it while looking at the ground or with the wig completely covering her eyes.

[13:46] She is very much trying to hide the fact that she's in this movie as opposed to Paul Sorvino who shows up later eating a steak with a little hat on.

[13:56] But anyway, we'll get to him.

[13:59] Frank D'Angelo picks up an already poured glass of whiskey from his bedside table.

[14:03] That's right. I guess he poured it before he went to bed knowing he'd need a little pick-me-up.

[14:07] You mean that bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that is in so many shots and I guarantee you is the only bottle they had

[14:13] and they just kept moving it from scene to scene and refilling it with, I'm guessing, iced tea?

[14:19] It has to be.

[14:22] He's going up to – it seems Frank's character's name is Santino or Sonny,

[14:26] which you may remember is the name of James Caan's character from The Godfather.

[14:30] And that's where the similarities end.

[14:34] He's going up for his annual trip to the cabin with the boys,

[14:37] and he has this weird conversation with his wife where she acts as if she's flirting with him,

[14:42] but his responses are all genuinely mean, like he's just really mean to her.

[14:47] He's like, oh, don't get too wild up at the cabin.

[14:51] He's like, babe, hey, lay off, okay?

[14:54] I've got to do this every year. It's the only way I blow off steam. I need this, okay?

[14:57] Oh, well, you know, just be sure to come back.

[15:01] He's really – the tones are so mismatched.

[15:05] That's the way he behaves all through the movie.

[15:08] For a guy who is clearly so egotistical that he's like, I have to do everything on my film,

[15:14] he's written himself a part that makes him look like the biggest asshole in the world.

[15:18] We'll get to him up at the cabin with his friends, but it's one of these situations where you're like,

[15:24] why do these people hang out with each other?

[15:26] None of them seem to like one another at all.

[15:28] I mean, they're co-workers, right?

[15:30] They're co-workers in the mob, I guess, if you can call them co-workers.

[15:34] They clearly work for him. They're like his guys that he's super close to.

[15:38] They're the Michael Imperioli to his James Gandolfini.

[15:44] So they're related? They're all related?

[15:47] No, I guess that's not right.

[15:48] No, it's more like they're like the Paulie Walnuts and the Steve Van Zandt to his James Gandolfini.

[15:55] So dripping with charisma is what you're saying.

[15:57] Dripping with charisma, a real sex symbol.

[16:00] But yeah, they're devoted to him and everybody loves him.

[16:03] Everyone in the movie loves him, but he's just a jackass to everybody.

[16:08] And it's like in No Deposit, he's like a gangster who is – he's not really a gangster,

[16:12] but he's the greatest saint in the world and everybody loves him.

[16:15] Here, everybody still loves him, but he's just mean to everybody, just abusive to everyone.

[16:20] But anyway, we then get a nice little shot of Frank.

[16:23] He's nice to his daughter.

[16:25] That's true.

[16:26] He's got a real connection with his daughter, a real Tony Soprano, Meadow Soprano connection.

[16:31] We get a nice long shot of Frank's back as he tries to have his morning pee and is blocked up for some reason.

[16:39] He's on two taps to pee.

[16:42] And the great thing about that shot is we're still in the title cards,

[16:46] and that's when we get the Frank D'Angelo title card is while he's pissing.

[16:52] And, of course, he makes his name last because it's like that mock humility.

[16:57] Yeah.

[16:59] Sure, yeah.

[17:00] Look, all these great players, he'll take – he doesn't have to be the –

[17:02] It's like in Citizen Kane where Orson Welles puts up his card last.

[17:06] He's like, and Orson Welles as Kane.

[17:10] I mean also the last card is usually like – that means you're the headliner.

[17:14] Like that's the best card.

[17:15] Yeah.

[17:17] Orson Welles played Kane, the bad guy in Highlander 3.

[17:21] Yes.

[17:22] I thought that was Mario Van Peebles.

[17:24] He's such a good –

[17:25] No, no, that was Orson Welles.

[17:26] He's such a master of disguise, Orson Welles, that he can do anything.

[17:28] Okay.

[17:29] He did it in blackface.

[17:30] That's why Highlander 3 was so controversial.

[17:33] Oh, sure.

[17:34] Wasn't that like Highlander 3, The New Dimension or something like that?

[17:37] I think it's something like that.

[17:38] The Nude Dimension?

[17:39] I've got to watch this movie.

[17:40] The Nude Dimension.

[17:41] Which was a crazy dimension because Christopher Lambert – I don't know, Christopher.

[17:45] Christopher Lambert is like partially blind.

[17:49] So he couldn't really even enjoy the pleasures of the Nude Dimension.

[17:52] But it would also allow him to resist at Siren Song like Odysseus.

[17:57] You mean Armand de Sante?

[17:59] That's what I meant to say.

[18:01] Anyway, so he pees for a while.

[18:03] He has to run two faucets to pee.

[18:05] It's the only weakness we see from the character throughout the movie, this inability to pee once.

[18:09] Cut back to his boys are still singing Gigolo in the car.

[18:13] Apparently this cut of the song is 40 straight minutes long.

[18:16] Lots of vamping, and they are loving it.

[18:20] Santino, Frank D'Angelo walks into his living room, and his daughter is sleeping on the couch.

[18:25] I could never quite figure out if the daughter had a bedroom or just slept on the couch.

[18:29] He's getting ready to go to the cabin.

[18:31] Millennials nowadays, dude.

[18:33] Millennials, they just don't want to buy their own homes.

[18:37] They just want to live off mom and dad forever.

[18:40] They just want to live off their lobster parents forever.

[18:42] With their avocado toast and everything.

[18:45] They're ruining the economy with that avocado toast somehow that I never quite understood.

[18:50] I remember there was an article somewhere.

[18:53] What was it that was like?

[18:55] It was like this type of beverage is dying because millennials aren't buying enough.

[18:59] I remember someone on Twitter being like, why do I have to buy that thing?

[19:03] I don't understand.

[19:04] Why is it my responsibility to keep this business alive?

[19:06] It was Dr. Brown's Cell Ray Soda.

[19:09] I love Cell Ray Soda.

[19:11] Why, millennials, would you kill the thing I love?

[19:15] Are you saying that this generation that seems to have no economic power because they're living at home

[19:22] also are responsible for every economic travesty that befalls chain restaurants like Applebee's?

[19:29] Exactly.

[19:31] The generation that walked into the worst job market since the 40s is to blame for not buying enough stuff.

[19:40] Not doing all the things that old people do.

[19:44] Okay.

[19:45] Anyway.

[19:46] Okay, we bled that venom out.

[19:48] Let's get back to the movie.

[19:49] Take that, non-millennials.

[19:51] Okay.

[19:52] So Frank, I just want to mention, he appears to be going up for this cabin trip in a leather shirt,

[19:56] and he makes sure to have a pistol on him.

[19:59] His friends show up.

[20:00] singing really loud, it's the same song.

[20:04] They just listen to the same song on repeat

[20:06] like a bunch of toddlers.

[20:08] The same way that my son is like,

[20:09] hey, can we listen to the Frozen soundtrack

[20:12] 40 times in a row?

[20:13] Like that's these guys with that one song.

[20:15] When was the last time you guys did that with a song?

[20:19] Just listen to it over and over again?

[20:22] Jeez.

[20:23] I think there's a song by the band FFS,

[20:25] which is Franz Ferdinand and Sparks teamed up.

[20:28] Okay.

[20:28] It's called Sodezune that I listen to over and over again.

[20:32] Okay.

[20:33] So you're just like these guys is what you're saying.

[20:36] Exactly, yeah.

[20:37] And I would jump out of my car singing it at people.

[20:39] And then they would wave guns at me.

[20:40] He gets really mad that they're being too loud

[20:42] and starts waving his gun around at them.

[20:44] And meanwhile, an old man across the street

[20:46] is watching them with binoculars from another car.

[20:49] And Frank, he like-

[20:51] Are you calling Eric Roberts an old man?

[20:54] Eric Roberts has not shown up yet.

[20:56] This is Eric Roberts' partner.

[20:58] They couldn't get Eric Roberts

[20:59] for this day of the shoot, I guess.

[21:01] Frank, he starts, he jokes with his friends

[21:04] by waving a gun at them.

[21:05] And he's like, hey, Weasley guy, go ride in the trunk.

[21:08] What, what, what's, what's sunny?

[21:10] We'll ride in the trunk.

[21:11] Look, you can either arrive at the cabin in the trunk alive

[21:14] or you can be dead right now.

[21:16] And then the guy starts climbing in the trunk, frightened.

[21:18] And Frank's like, come on, come on, just busting your balls.

[21:22] I'm not going to kill you in my driveway

[21:24] in this Toronto suburb.

[21:26] That I'm going to say is what, Long Island?

[21:28] I don't know.

[21:29] Yeah, it's gotta be Long Island, right?

[21:30] Bay Ridge?

[21:31] But like, it really sets the tone

[21:34] for how he interacts with his friends,

[21:36] which is that he's an asshole.

[21:38] And his friends, you know, have to deal with it.

[21:40] Cut to, we're introduced to Paul Sorvino

[21:43] in a bathrobe in a deserted strip club.

[21:46] And Paul Sorvino is-

[21:46] Well, you call it a strip club,

[21:47] but it's one of these movie strip clubs

[21:49] where the women are just sort of undulating in underwear

[21:52] and they never actually get naked.

[21:55] And it appears to all be in one-

[21:56] It seems to be super popular.

[21:57] I mean-

[21:58] It's packed.

[21:59] But it's just also, it's one room

[22:01] that clearly had glitter curtains put up to hide the walls.

[22:04] Yeah, it looks like the small side room

[22:08] of a Midwestern convention center.

[22:12] Yeah, they rented out an airport chapel for one day.

[22:17] And turned it into the most chaste strip club,

[22:19] which is like a teeny go-go club.

[22:20] I can only assume it's like an unused storage room

[22:24] for the forget-about-it supper club

[22:26] owned by Frank D'Angelo in Toronto.

[22:29] Yeah.

[22:31] Well, you know, he's a businessman.

[22:32] He has to maximize all this space.

[22:35] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[22:37] I mean, might as well pay himself for the location fees.

[22:43] That's what the old studios used to do all the time,

[22:46] is that if the producer who was making a movie,

[22:49] or even if the studio was making the movie,

[22:50] they would charge themselves for the use of the studio,

[22:54] for the use of the actual soundstage,

[22:55] and that would be a way of recouping

[22:56] some of the money right off the bat.

[22:58] I'm assuming that's how Charles Band,

[23:00] why Charles Band owns a castle in Eastern Europe.

[23:06] I mean, if you have the chance,

[23:07] why not own a castle in Eastern Europe?

[23:09] Might as well put some puppets in there,

[23:11] call it Puppet Master, castle edition.

[23:13] Castle edition.

[23:16] Anyway, it's a shot-by-shot remake

[23:17] of the first Puppet Master,

[23:18] but it all takes place in the castle now.

[23:20] And it also has TV's castle in it.

[23:22] Wow, okay, I guess he's fallen on hard times,

[23:26] but that's okay.

[23:27] And they play chess,

[23:28] and the only piece they can use is the rook.

[23:32] Because it's a little castle.

[23:33] Oh, oh, okay.

[23:36] Elliot's holding up his notes for this episode,

[23:38] and it's super tense.

[23:41] Barely into my notes.

[23:42] So Paul Servino gets mad because they don't have champagne

[23:45] at his buffet at the strip club.

[23:47] He swears a lot, and then he makes his assistant

[23:49] put his shoes on for him.

[23:51] We're now 13 minutes into the movie,

[23:53] and nothing has happened at this point.

[23:55] I kept a running tally of the time

[23:57] we were into the movie at different points,

[23:59] because so little had taken place.

[24:01] So by this point, we've seen three guys

[24:03] sing along in a car for a long time.

[24:05] We've seen Frank D'Angelo have trouble peeing,

[24:08] and we've seen Paul Servino get mad at somebody

[24:10] and make them put his shoes on him.

[24:12] Okay, the guys arrive at the cabin,

[24:14] which is one of those cabins that looks like

[24:16] it's just on another street in the same town

[24:18] as the house that they just left.

[24:20] There's nothing particularly woodsy

[24:22] or even isolated or remote about this cabin.

[24:24] It's just a house.

[24:25] The guys start unpacking all the food

[24:27] that Carmelina made for them,

[24:29] because she made an entire catered events-worth

[24:32] of Italian food the night before.

[24:35] Frank wants to play cards, come on.

[24:36] And they argue about whether they should unpack the food

[24:39] or play cards forever, just for a long time.

[24:43] So that's what they were talking about

[24:44] while the Frank D'Angelo song was playing loudly

[24:48] over the mix, and they just seemed to be shouting.

[24:51] Okay, yeah, because we could not hear

[24:53] what the hell was going on.

[24:55] I think the fact that I was watching with headphones on

[24:57] helped me to understand some of what they were saying.

[25:00] But you didn't miss much,

[25:01] because now they start playing cards.

[25:02] And Frank, clearly, he runs the game.

[25:05] He says if anyone cheats, they die.

[25:06] These are his closest friends, by the way.

[25:08] Every year, he goes with them to the cabin to play poker.

[25:11] Still feels the need to tell them if you cheat, you die.

[25:14] Pulls them through a hand of poker.

[25:15] Oh, this is also the, sorry, go on.

[25:18] I was gonna say, he's maybe the least likable

[25:20] film character I've ever seen, ever.

[25:22] Like, Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List,

[25:24] I was like, well, at least he's an evil human,

[25:26] but he's human.

[25:27] This guy, I don't like at all.

[25:28] You're like Bobby Peru in Wild at Heart.

[25:30] Well, at least he's got a sense of humor.

[25:35] And this is the part.

[25:36] Oh, the emperor?

[25:37] Well, I kind of sympathize with the emperor's need

[25:40] for order in a chaotic universe.

[25:41] Okay, sure.

[25:42] I like the way he's got a wrinkly face.

[25:44] Yeah.

[25:46] You know that part in Cannibal Holocaust

[25:48] where the people who are making the movie

[25:50] burn down an entire tribe for no reason?

[25:52] You know what?

[25:53] At least they're doing it in the interest of anthropology.

[25:56] This guy, Frank D'Angelo's just a jerk here.

[25:58] And Hitler had some good ideas, right guys?

[26:00] Uh.

[26:01] Right?

[26:02] Uh.

[26:03] Dude, we were talking about movie characters.

[26:06] Anyway, this is the point in the movie

[26:07] where they tell two street jokes at length.

[26:11] Like, there's a later point where they also tell

[26:14] a street joke and it's just like,

[26:17] this movie spends so much time telling a joke

[26:20] that your uncle would tell you at some party

[26:24] that you're just like, I should not listen to.

[26:27] Yeah.

[26:28] If you're 13 and your uncle's like,

[26:29] hey, come over here, come over here,

[26:31] and you go into a corner and he tells you a dirty joke

[26:33] that he doesn't want your parents to hear,

[26:35] they do that over and over.

[26:36] They tell the same joke twice at length

[26:40] at different points in the movie.

[26:42] It's pretty obvious that off set,

[26:44] there was a script doctor who was there

[26:46] and he's like, no, you have to understand,

[26:48] if you want to get this movie classified,

[26:51] vampires slash horror slash mafia slash comedy,

[26:56] you're gonna need to put more jokes in there.

[26:58] Yeah.

[26:59] The most popular section in the video store.

[27:02] The horror vampire mafia comedy.

[27:04] Did I say, yeah, did I say script doctor?

[27:06] I meant blockbuster executive.

[27:08] No, I thought you meant that Joss Whedon

[27:10] was there in the corner punching things up.

[27:13] Yeah, he's like, another one of my classic

[27:15] strong female characters, please.

[27:18] That's my Joss Whedon impression.

[27:20] Yeah, great.

[27:21] Good stuff.

[27:22] Hey, it's me, Joss Whedon.

[27:24] Not Joe Sweden, that's a completely different guy.

[27:28] It's me, Joe Sweden.

[27:29] How you doing?

[27:30] Hey.

[27:31] You're like, hey, Joss Whedon, I love your stuff.

[27:34] No, no, the name is Joe Sweden.

[27:36] Let me show you my driver's license.

[27:37] I'm tired of getting all the credit for Serenity.

[27:40] That's a great picture on your driver's license.

[27:42] Is that a, they let you wear a scarf for that?

[27:45] Yeah, well, I wanted to look my best

[27:47] and also I had recently been bitten by a mafia vampire

[27:50] and I wanted to cover up the bite marks.

[27:52] Oh, weird, a mafia vampire.

[27:53] How did that get delivered to you?

[27:56] How, oh, interesting.

[27:57] I'll tell you how that was.

[27:59] So you see, I was at the cabin playing cards.

[28:02] Let me break this hilarious character.

[28:03] Wait, hold on.

[28:04] I just realized that there would be another movie

[28:07] in the mafia slash vampire slash comedy section

[28:11] and that would be Innocent Blood.

[28:13] Yeah, I mean, that's a hilarious movie.

[28:15] I mean, it is sort of a comedy.

[28:17] Also featuring Robert Losha.

[28:19] Yeah, I mean, a comedy in a way that what,

[28:21] like an American Werewolf in London is a comedy

[28:23] where there's not really jokes in it.

[28:24] Yeah.

[28:25] I mean, yeah, like Sports Night.

[28:30] Sports Night's full of jokes.

[28:31] That's why they put the laugh track in after the first season.

[28:34] Okay, so here's something to remember about mob movies.

[28:38] Guys, whenever we see a big crowd of mobsters hanging out,

[28:41] what's the first thing we always see them do

[28:43] when those scenes start?

[28:45] We always see someone finishing a joke

[28:47] and then everybody laughing.

[28:49] It's always like, yeah, back then we had lots of fun.

[28:51] And then we cut to the scene and it goes,

[28:52] so I said to the guy, that's not my foot, that's my dick.

[28:56] And they all start laughing and it goes,

[28:58] we were all there.

[28:58] Joey two times, Henry one time, Henry finger bone,

[29:02] that guy, Mickey kneecaps.

[29:05] And I think, I think Frantangelo was like,

[29:07] oh, every scene and mobsters are always sitting around

[29:09] telling each other jokes and forgot that in those scenes,

[29:12] we never hear the whole joke.

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:15] We always just cut to them laughing.

[29:16] It's just a way of establishing that they were talking,

[29:18] but he's like, I'm going to do it different.

[29:20] I'm going to show the whole joke.

[29:23] Oh, wow.

[29:24] Building suspense.

[29:26] It's like a real postmodernist take on the mafia movie.

[29:30] Yeah, exactly.

[29:32] It's like, what are the, it's like the innkeepers in a way,

[29:36] where it's like, hey, this is a horror movie,

[29:38] but a lot of it's really just about the innkeepers

[29:40] like hanging out and like getting to know these characters

[29:43] before the scares happen.

[29:45] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[29:45] Frantangelo, he saw the innkeepers and he's like,

[29:47] I'll do that, but I'll do it mob style.

[29:50] Sure, I'm assuming that Frantangelo watches

[29:53] a lot of low budget indie horror movies.

[29:56] He was like, I'll call it Sicilian innkeepers.

[30:00] high west was like i don't think so sir

[30:01] season does it

[30:04] anyway

[30:05] uh... we cut back to paul's review of the surprisingly chased strip club as

[30:08] dan described survey does not wearing a little black fedora and just eating a

[30:12] lot

[30:13] and i think it's supposed to be like

[30:15] decadent

[30:16] but it just seems like

[30:18] very low-budget

[30:19] is that in and all we see is the women and women around us are being a

[30:22] substitute missus face

[30:24] there's no plot miss yeah it just looks like he took like one one heavy trip to

[30:28] the buffet line and then he's back where in that bathroom with his chest

[30:32] hanging out and you're like

[30:34] cool

[30:35] i guess they just promised like they lured him out of his cave with food

[30:39] uh...

[30:42] he usually hibernates

[30:46] you're probably not possible you know some kind of an ursine

[30:49] yeah it's a decayed hibernating

[30:51] i i mean they don't

[30:53] take his

[30:54] uh... bathroom off entirely so i don't see if he has any guard hares protecting

[30:58] his genitals but i'm assuming they're there

[31:02] okay well if anyone has any firsthand experience of paul stravino's genitals

[31:06] please write into the plot for us and tell them tell us how much they are or

[31:09] not or not like a bear

[31:11] back to the card game

[31:13] and it just keeps going on they keep playing cards

[31:16] we're twenty minutes into the movie no plot so it's time for eric roberts to

[31:20] drive in

[31:21] he and that other guy that we saw watching through binoculars

[31:23] they're IRS agents

[31:25] eric roberts finally they've been studying for sent sentinel for three

[31:28] years they want to finally take him down

[31:30] he doesn't care about those other crimes

[31:32] he just wants them to pay their taxes

[31:35] back to the car playing in joke telling

[31:37] and then

[31:37] nightfall they're still playing

[31:40] but they're tired nobody seems to be having a good time

[31:43] one guy

[31:44] which one is it michael perry who threatens the guy with glasses with a

[31:46] knife because he thinks he's cheating

[31:48] yeah and then

[31:50] the weasley guy

[31:52] we cut back to the strip club

[31:53] the dancer they announced a while back cassandra is still on stage and sorvino

[31:57] is still eating it's been an entire day

[32:00] is what this is telling us we cut to a night time scene and back to this

[32:03] paul sorvino has been eating steak at the strip club all day

[32:07] and there's this woman with him and he goes over to the bar he paid us ten bucks dude

[32:11] you're gonna get all the steak you can eat maybe it's one of those like steaks that if you

[32:15] finish it you get your picture up on the wall yeah that's why he's dressed up so

[32:19] well it's because he wants his picture taken

[32:22] he's wearing his best little hat

[32:24] it's like picture day at school every time he goes there he wears that hat and he doesn't quite finish the steak

[32:28] and he's like this time I'm finishing the steak I'm not wearing this hat again

[32:32] this woman who is like uh... paul sorvino's

[32:36] major domo

[32:37] she walks over to the bar and yells at the bartender for talking on the phone

[32:41] uh... that's not a plot it doesn't go anywhere it's just an incident

[32:44] then danny baldwin shows up wearing an evo goatee

[32:48] like a spock in the mirror mirror episode

[32:50] and he tells paul sorvino

[32:53] they've got to stop santino they've got to stop him and paul sorvino just yells at him

[32:57] the next morning

[32:58] now it's the morning

[33:00] the guys all wake up at the card table they've all fallen asleep with their like

[33:04] cards still in their hand what we're supposed to believe is they literally played cards

[33:09] until they passed out

[33:11] yeah that's how into the it's like that's crazy but they're all like but also they're all

[33:15] asleep in the chairs like it seems like one guy would fall asleep in the chair like

[33:19] they didn't all like simultaneously talk out

[33:22] you'd think one guy would fall asleep and the other guys would be like

[33:25] i know what to do this is a mafia situation yeah let's dunk his hand in

[33:29] some water

[33:31] or at the very least they'd be like yeah it is getting late let's go off to bed but no

[33:35] unless someone literally just put gas in the house and knocked them out

[33:41] like there's a gas leak in the cabin or maybe like their enemies put sleeping gas in there so they could

[33:45] rob them i don't know but they all just wake up at the table

[33:48] it takes them a long time to wake up but here's where things start to get exciting

[33:51] because uh oh uh oh what's this

[33:54] a box of bananas like a big grocer's crate full of bananas yeah it's breakfast time dude

[34:00] right daniel's like come on what's this what's this shit he's like it's healthy come on

[34:04] so for breakfast they're all gonna have bananas like

[34:07] they open the box dan

[34:09] you gotta explain what happens next they open the box of bananas and what happens

[34:13] this uh i guess cgi bat comes out of the box of bananas and bites frank d'angelo on

[34:19] the neck and everyone's like ah a bat and they're like trying to pry it off of them

[34:24] but the thing that i love the most about this is the like box of bananas that the the bat

[34:28] comes out of like the bat that gives him vampirism is a dole box of bananas like it's not just

[34:35] it's not like this guy's like oh i got this like tropical treat like my friend has a line

[34:40] on some like really fresh bananas that come from darkest peru or something like that it's

[34:45] like apparently just from transylvania any grocer has these like the risk of a vampire

[34:53] bat this is i feel like funded by the anti-banana lot i feel like cgi bat is being very charitable

[35:01] to what happens it feels very much like he opens the box pulls out a dark piece of cloth

[35:07] slaps it on his neck and then all of a sudden the camera starts going in slow motion and like

[35:15] it gets kind of swimmy right like it feels yeah and then blood starts squirting everywhere

[35:21] yeah there's blood all over the place and i just i love how out of nowhere this comes from and

[35:26] it's like we never that bat you never see it again no one ever talks about this incident

[35:31] again really so it's like is this are we supposed to believe this kind of thing that occasionally

[35:35] really like i don't i don't really love bananas do you guys have you ever opened up a box of

[35:41] bananas and a bat or any animal has flown out well first even in the banana boat song yeah

[35:46] there's an animal it's a tarantula not a bat yeah i mean the the risk in this case i mean

[35:52] for all i know that actually could have been a tarantula because i did not see any wings on

[35:56] this thing uh but yeah i mean that's the risk you run when you go to sam's club and you get

[36:02] the giant box of bananas that hasn't been broken down into smaller boxes normally the people who

[36:08] get bitten by these bats or tarantulas are the stock boys at grocery stores that's why they're

[36:14] all vampires yeah that's why they have a good insurance yeah that's why it's a lot of people

[36:21] know this that most stock boys are vampires for this reason yeah now speaking of health insurance

[36:27] uh they quickly rush frank d'angelo with this massive scarf wrapped around his neck

[36:33] to uh what appears to be i don't know the same convention center that they shot the strip club at

[36:39] because this looks like the smallest little hospital uh it's the same white walls and like

[36:46] like one curtain they put up and like a bookshelf it's a tiny it's a tiny room they've tried to make

[36:53] look like it's both the reception area and the er of a hospital and it's like that er waiting room

[36:59] and and there's like a bookshelf behind her uh behind the receptionist head that looks like the

[37:05] bookshelf you would see at like a small resort where like when people travel they like leave

[37:11] a book behind and take a book they're like oh you were bitten by a bat well while you're waiting why

[37:16] don't you read this daniel steel novel yeah it's a paperback the last couple pages are missing but

[37:21] you don't really need them you just fill it in it looks there's a lot of points where it looks like

[37:25] that they're in the like mafia version of like busy town where it's like this is the basic rudiments

[37:32] of a tiny hospital okay uh they go and they kind of bully their way into the hospital and at this

[37:40] point uh frank has covered up his wound with just by wrapping a napkin around it and it looks like

[37:45] either he has a toothache in his neck or he's trying to cover that little head from how to get

[37:50] ahead in advertising like that's what that's what he's got but the doctor looks at and he says it's

[37:55] just a scratch it's miraculously healed the doctor having not examined him at all tells him his vitals

[38:01] are good and that he can i mean i think i think he must be a really good doctor and he can just

[38:09] tell by looking at frank d'angelo like this is a man in the prime of his life there's a point later

[38:16] on where james khan later in the movie is like look at your skin it's like a baby spot his skin's

[38:20] getting younger and you look at his face and you're like no it is not yeah not at all of a man in his

[38:24] early 50s i was like please somebody get james khan his glasses so maybe what we're led to believe

[38:33] here is this is a world where no one is very good at their job the strippers are not good at stripping

[38:38] the stock boys can't keep vampire bats out of their banana boxes and the doctors don't really

[38:43] know what constitutes human health like is that the world we're living in just like this

[38:47] incompetence universe yeah well i mean like it's a brutal satire on day-to-day modern life

[38:54] yeah but i wonder if it's also like he's canadian he deals with the canadian health system and maybe

[38:59] he doesn't know how hospitals work in the united states where you wait forever and doctors make

[39:04] you take every test possible to drive the bills up yeah well maybe like they went to this small

[39:11] hospital in the wilds of long island i guess yeah like maybe they do things a little bit

[39:18] different out there who knows um here at pepper at pepperidge farm hospital look at you no need

[39:25] for fancy big city tests uh what instead of tongue depressors we use milano cookies

[39:31] so uh so he so they take him home and we had this bizarre dream well before that he

[39:43] the shot go they pull up to his house oh before they take him home he has the dream he has a

[39:47] dream of oh okay heena's tearing apart their meats and the doctor comes by to uh hey say like

[39:54] hey what's going on and frank d'angelo i think he's supposed to like be like jolted awake and

[39:58] almost like he's about to attack the doctor

[40:00] But instead, he just kind of touches the doctor's shoulders

[40:02] and is very apologetic about it.

[40:04] And then they send him home.

[40:06] And he, his buddies take him home.

[40:09] And then we have a scene where Frank D'Angelo's hanging out

[40:11] in his living room.

[40:12] And we just hear Daryl Hannah's voice haranguing the friends.

[40:17] Like, clearly, she couldn't be on set that day.

[40:19] And they just had to ADR that dialogue.

[40:23] When he was bitten by a bat, she was

[40:25] bitten by an invisible man.

[40:26] That's also possible.

[40:27] And now she's invisible all day.

[40:29] That could be possible, too.

[40:30] That's how it works.

[40:31] That's invisible man-parism.

[40:34] It's spread around.

[40:35] Invisible man-parism.

[40:36] And the hard part is, a vampire, you

[40:38] can see a vampire coming and run away.

[40:40] You can't see an invisible man coming.

[40:42] You might just feel a bite on your arm

[40:43] and think it was like, oh, I guess a big mosquito bit me.

[40:47] No, it's an invisible man.

[40:48] You're invisible now.

[40:49] Time to write your memoirs.

[40:52] Thank you for getting there.

[40:53] I was literally trying to think of a memoirs of an invisible man

[40:57] joke as you were speaking.

[40:59] And I appreciate it.

[41:01] But guys, the movie's been full of filler up till this point.

[41:04] It's time to get into the real, hardcore plot.

[41:07] Because this is when, as in any movie about a mobster bitten

[41:10] by a vampire, you know what's going to happen.

[41:13] The mobster's daughter wants to go out,

[41:15] and her mother doesn't want her to go out.

[41:18] But the dad's cool, and he lets the daughter go out

[41:20] and gives her kind of a wink.

[41:22] Yeah, I love that he does.

[41:23] The best dad ever.

[41:23] Yeah, I love that he even has to be like the cool dad.

[41:28] But how cool is he when he starts

[41:30] having, what, dreams of his daughter

[41:33] being harassed at the club?

[41:36] A club that looks, let's all agree, pretty fancy.

[41:40] In a club that could only be described as the same room

[41:43] where they shot everything else but colored lights now,

[41:46] they dance to a Frank D'Angelo song

[41:49] about wanting to live forever.

[41:51] That's the second thing that comes up

[41:52] when you look up Sicilian Vampire on Amazon

[41:55] is the single, I Want to Live Forever by Frank D'Angelo.

[42:00] And do you guys remember how the song went?

[42:03] I mean, Frank D'Angelo, who earlier had sung Just a Gigolo

[42:08] with a really great Louie Prima-type voice,

[42:11] kind of adopts this airy, almost ethereal quality

[42:15] in I Want to Live Forever.

[42:19] It's Gossamer.

[42:20] I call it Gossamer.

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:21] It's a man of 1,000 voices.

[42:24] It's a very Dance Party USA-type club.

[42:26] I think man with 1,000 voices is, I think

[42:29] that's copywritten, Dan, right?

[42:31] Is it?

[42:32] Yeah, it's copywritten, Elliot Kalin.

[42:34] Oh, OK.

[42:35] All the voices from this one, hey guys, to this one,

[42:38] hey guys.

[42:39] Wow, cool.

[42:41] I run the gamut.

[42:42] From this voice, hello, chums, to this voice, good day, mate.

[42:46] Oh, wow, cool.

[42:46] Elliot, did a bunch of people walk into the room

[42:48] with you right now?

[42:49] I know you'd think that, but no, it's just me.

[42:52] Oh, but what about this guy?

[42:54] Well, hello, I'm another person.

[42:56] No, just kidding, I'm just Elliot doing a voice.

[42:59] Oh, wow, is that not like a stock casting

[43:01] office in Elliot's apartment?

[43:04] I've had to start doing casting.

[43:06] The writing work is just not coming my way.

[43:08] I'm a casting agent now.

[43:10] I like the idea that somehow you have

[43:12] one of those character headshots that show you

[43:16] in a bunch of different roles.

[43:18] But somehow it's just like voices.

[43:20] Like you've somehow figured out a way to.

[43:22] I don't know, it just says voice only, voice only, voice only.

[43:26] Yeah, there has got to be either in real life or a movie

[43:30] where somebody, like an actor who's down on his luck

[43:33] and can't get a role, starts a casting agency

[43:36] and then just keeps submitting himself to everything.

[43:39] Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

[43:42] Stuart, you've got to write that movie.

[43:43] OK, I'll get right on it.

[43:46] You know you call it cast of character.

[43:48] Oh, I like it.

[43:51] Makes you think.

[43:52] Or call it podcast, because the guy's name is Sammy Pod.

[43:56] All right, we're running so long, guys.

[43:59] Sorry, OK, Frank has a dream that his daughter is being

[44:03] harassed at this club.

[44:04] And suddenly his nails grow sharp

[44:05] and he wakes up with fangs.

[44:07] They're the funniest fangs you've ever seen.

[44:10] I cannot.

[44:10] Describe the fangs for us.

[44:13] I mean, they look just like slightly sharper canine teeth

[44:17] that are just like poking a little bit under his lip.

[44:21] They're not like long, elegant fangs.

[44:23] They're just like, I don't know, his upper lip

[44:26] is kind of bumpy where you can see the fang being inserted

[44:29] into his mouth, the mouthpiece.

[44:31] They're not threatening fangs.

[44:33] They're like, you need to go get braces.

[44:35] Exactly.

[44:36] He, yeah.

[44:37] Like, you want to cap those?

[44:38] Yeah, so he opens his eyes and his pupils are bright red.

[44:42] And you're like, oh shit, things are going down.

[44:45] And then he kind of smiles and you

[44:47] see the whisper of fangs underneath his mouth.

[44:50] And you're like, just a hint of fangs.

[44:53] And you're like, OK, vampires can be funny too.

[44:56] It has, OK, those fangs are, we'll

[44:59] get later to the funniest prop in the entire movie,

[45:04] the funniest fake prop, which is another body part that shows up.

[45:09] Let's just, actually, I'll just say it.

[45:10] Guys, in case the listener, if you're like, this is too long,

[45:14] I don't want to hear anymore, later on,

[45:16] just know that there's a pair of,

[45:17] there's a fake scrotum prop that appears later.

[45:21] We'll get to that.

[45:21] Anyway, Frank D'Angelo, we see a lot of overhead shots

[45:24] of New York.

[45:25] And Frank, his hazy POV is in the club.

[45:28] He's there.

[45:29] Did he teleport there?

[45:30] Or did he drive his car into Manhattan at night?

[45:33] Because I kind of like the idea of a vampire

[45:34] just driving his car through the tunnel or across a bridge.

[45:37] Yeah, not assuming the form of a wolf or a mist.

[45:40] Instead, he assumes the form of a guy just driving.

[45:44] He assumes the form of a commuting, worried dad.

[45:50] And he goes into the club and starts beating up the guys who

[45:52] were hitting on his daughter.

[45:54] And she goes, stop it.

[45:55] You're embarrassing me.

[45:56] But she's, you can see she's glad that he was there.

[45:58] She smiles at him.

[45:59] He's a good dad.

[46:00] They get home, Carmelina's mad.

[46:02] What's her daughter doing outside?

[46:04] And Frank goes, hey, you don't know.

[46:06] We just went out for a bite.

[46:08] The whole movie, Frank's constantly

[46:10] talking about going out to get something to eat

[46:11] or sending people to get things to eat, which I guess

[46:14] is his idea of what being Sicilian

[46:15] is like, that everyone's always constantly thinking about food

[46:18] or going to get food.

[46:21] And then Frank, he puts on the record player the song

[46:24] that they first danced to or that they met during.

[46:28] It's a song that has romantic significance for them.

[46:31] And they dance together and mumble each other

[46:33] sweet nothings that you can't really understand because

[46:36] of the audio recording.

[46:37] Now, is that song another Frank D'Angelo song?

[46:39] I don't remember.

[46:41] I don't remember either.

[46:42] I don't think it is.

[46:44] But it probably is.

[46:45] He does all the music.

[46:46] It probably is.

[46:47] OK, once again, Frank wakes up in bed.

[46:49] We see a shot of a mouse that runs around and seems

[46:51] to make a fart noise.

[46:52] And then we zoom up the stairs.

[46:55] Frank looks confused.

[46:56] Now it's Sunday.

[46:57] He's driving his family to church.

[46:59] And they talk about where to get the best frizzoli.

[47:01] And Daryl Hannah is always talking about Italian food.

[47:05] She's either disapproving of something

[47:07] or talking about Italian food.

[47:08] And this scene goes on forever.

[47:12] And it really captures the feeling.

[47:14] I mean, this is good filmmaking.

[47:15] It captures that feeling of sitting

[47:17] in the back seat of a friend's car

[47:19] while the friend's parents are up front talking about something.

[47:22] And you're not really listening or paying attention.

[47:24] And you can't hear all of it.

[47:26] And you don't really care.

[47:27] That's what it feels.

[47:28] And it feels like you keep driving past the same thing

[47:30] over and over and over.

[47:32] Yeah, it's like the live action equivalent

[47:34] of a Hanna-Barbera chase, where you just

[47:37] see the same door and window pass by because they're

[47:39] cycling the backgrounds.

[47:40] That's this movie.

[47:41] They're just driving around the block having

[47:43] a pretty boring conversation while even the movie is not

[47:47] fully invested in it or interested in what's going on.

[47:50] I'd like to point out, by this point in the movie,

[47:52] there is no conflict.

[47:53] Other than the fact that Frank D'Angelo

[47:55] has turned into a vampire, which he seems kind of OK with,

[47:58] there's no conflict in the film.

[48:00] It takes a long time for Frank to wake up to the fact

[48:03] that he's a vampire.

[48:04] But it doesn't help when, OK, every Sunday they go to church

[48:07] and they visit Frank's parents' graves.

[48:09] They get out of the church.

[48:10] And the minute Frank steps on the ground,

[48:12] smoke starts rising out of his feet because he's a vampire.

[48:15] Vampires can't be around churches.

[48:16] They're too holy.

[48:18] He immediately tells his family, I'm hungry.

[48:20] I'm going to go get something to eat.

[48:22] You go to church for me.

[48:23] And he knows that.

[48:25] And his wife buys it because she's obsessed with food, too.

[48:29] Cut to, and this might be my favorite, no,

[48:32] I can't even say it.

[48:33] There's too many favorite parts of the movie.

[48:34] This is one of my favorite parts.

[48:36] You cut to an Italian restaurant.

[48:38] There's doo-wop music playing in the back.

[48:40] Doo-doo, woo-doo-doo, boo-wah.

[48:42] Everyone in the restaurant is having a great time.

[48:44] It's just this stupidly long montage

[48:46] of people having a great time at a restaurant.

[48:48] And Frank's not there.

[48:50] So you're like, wait a minute.

[48:52] Did this turn into a commercial for a restaurant

[48:54] in the middle of the movie?

[48:55] And then we cut away from the restaurant.

[48:57] Frank's in the cemetery at his parents' grave.

[49:00] So did the movie get faked out by Frank?

[49:03] Frank said, I'm going to get something to eat.

[49:05] The movie was like, oh, I'll go meet you there.

[49:07] And then the movie was wandering around the restaurant

[49:09] looking for Frank.

[49:10] Like, hey, where is he?

[49:11] He was supposed to meet me at the restaurant.

[49:14] The star of the movie, who directed and wrote it,

[49:17] stood up his movie, yeah.

[49:20] And it's like the movie was like,

[49:22] okay, I'll go to the cemetery and see if he's there.

[49:24] Oh, okay, he's there.

[49:25] I cannot tell you how nonsensical it is

[49:28] to just watch people eating at a restaurant.

[49:30] It's like an Olive Garden commercial with no narration.

[49:33] And then you're out of it.

[49:34] You're gone all of a sudden.

[49:37] He goes to his parents' grave

[49:38] and a ghostly voice says something to him

[49:40] that I couldn't understand.

[49:41] And he runs away.

[49:42] It might've been in Italian.

[49:43] And here's something I want to mention here.

[49:45] This is something we haven't brought up,

[49:47] but it became increasingly apparent to me

[49:48] throughout the movie that as the movie goes on,

[49:50] more and more of the film is in Italian with no subtitles.

[49:54] Characters just start speaking Italian to each other

[49:56] because they're Sicilian monsters.

[49:57] And it felt like when you're using it.

[50:00] perceived language tool

[50:01] for it for learning a language

[50:03] and it's like

[50:04] you're gonna start reading this book and there'll be a few scattered spanish

[50:07] words here and there and they'll be more and more with each chapter until by the

[50:10] end you're reading chapters that are all in spanish not that's this movie felt

[50:14] like that by the end

[50:15] whole conversations are going on in italian no subtitles as like

[50:19] i don't i don't even know but i guess i'll just

[50:21] now it's a silent film essentially and i'm just reading gestures and

[50:24] expression

[50:26] you guys are both italian how did you feel about it yeah i mean i was i was

[50:29] building it all off of context clues

[50:32] i literally did not notice that this was happening so maybe that maybe it was the

[50:36] audio in the background overwhelming the thing and i'm just like okay i just

[50:40] don't understand this anymore

[50:42] it's the same as it's been in the

[50:44] the rest of the movie it was not even the language that you spoke that's how crazy that audio mix is

[50:48] i didn't even know they were speaking another language

[50:51] uh... so we go back to the do-up restaurant frank and his crew are

[50:54] finally there and they're meeting robert dovey

[50:57] who seems to be some kind of respect he's like the boss right

[51:00] yeah i think so

[51:01] uh...

[51:02] uh... the net filmmakers take a while to make sure we know who at the table is

[51:05] drinking wine and who is not drinking wine they all talk about their drink

[51:08] orders for a while

[51:10] yes

[51:12] time for them all to tell some more jokes and have their little like

[51:15] subterranean monologues about stuff

[51:18] frank it's a phone call it makes him

[51:21] and then goes into a long speech about how

[51:23] they have business

[51:24] they have the linens contract for every hotel in manhattan

[51:27] but i want to sell that contract and buy real estate

[51:29] because that's where the real money is and dovey says

[51:31] as long as you're making a profit don't sell that contract don't sell it frank's

[51:35] like but i want to invest that money

[51:36] and then he turns and starts insulting his weasley friend with the glasses

[51:40] and it's like

[51:41] hey guys

[51:42] do you remember this linens contract coming up at any other point in the movie

[51:46] uh... i mean

[51:47] this is a movie that does introduce conflict

[51:50] that you did not know was there

[51:52] very suddenly and then it is immediately resolved

[51:55] yes we'll see later on with those testicles the film feels

[51:59] it feels like the movie was a stream of consciousness writing exercise where

[52:03] it's just like i'll just keep writing whatever comes to my head you know like

[52:07] it'll just it'll all work out in the end you know and i don't like a mike lee

[52:11] movie where everything's built off of improvisation yeah

[52:16] and then not edited at all no of course not

[52:19] yeah you want to get the whole performance on screen

[52:21] it does feel like a screenplay that was written in one draft in one sitting

[52:26] and like that he would just get distracted start writing other things

[52:30] i'll tell you there's only one writer who can really get away with stopping

[52:33] the story

[52:33] starting another story and then getting away from that going back you know that

[52:37] man was

[52:38] miguel de cervantes

[52:42] yeah i mean they're about the same level of skill and lasting impact

[52:47] so i'd say frank d'angelo and miguel de cervantes were kind of going for the

[52:50] same sort of thing

[52:51] uh... only one helped create world literature and the others uh...

[52:55] the owner of cheetah energy drink

[52:58] while paul sorvino shows up

[53:00] rival mob boss

[53:01] he takes frank's wine robert dobby tries to smooth it all over tempers flare

[53:05] infurious italian

[53:07] uh... and everybody

[53:08] calms everybody else down

[53:11] take a deep breath and calm down

[53:13] and daniel baldwin's mad cause he's like

[53:15] let me let me at him i'll take him down let me at him i'll take him down and paul sorvino's like

[53:18] no i can get under his skin that means i can control him

[53:21] and then

[53:23] that's over now

[53:24] i made a note here

[53:26] fifty eight minutes in too much sicilian not enough vampire

[53:29] that might be the slogan for the movie

[53:32] frank gets a phone call from a voice that says it's his father but his father's

[53:35] dead

[53:36] we saw him at his grave

[53:37] and it says like soon we'll be together

[53:40] frank speaks in italian into the phone even though the dad's voice is always in

[53:44] english

[53:45] i didn't quite understand that choice

[53:47] uh... frank is

[53:48] he's clearly shaken

[53:49] and the glasses guy is like hey frank's cracking up and everybody's like hey oh

[53:53] don't say that oh okay come on oh

[53:56] uh...

[53:58] uh... frank santino he has a nightmare that he bites his wife and his daughter's

[54:01] necks don't worry

[54:03] turns out to be just a nightmare

[54:04] i know you guys if you were hoping for more vampire stuff but the movie's like

[54:08] no no no

[54:09] that's just a dream

[54:11] uh... it's like uh... it's like a coy mistress

[54:16] who takes off a glove and then hands it to you

[54:19] or like uh...

[54:20] it's like the movie there's a part of me i was like oh is the plot happening and

[54:24] the movie was like no no don't worry don't worry you can go back to sleep

[54:27] there's no plot here

[54:28] he's just having a dream about it speaking of introducing conflict

[54:31] isn't it soon after this that they're at the nightclub and they introduced the

[54:34] concept that

[54:35] frank and all of his buddies have like a group of gumata like mistresses

[54:41] that is causing problems

[54:43] that's coming up we'll get to that because first he has to meet

[54:46] the star of the movie

[54:47] james khan biggest name in the cast

[54:50] he's in like three scenes

[54:53] sorry i just remembered james khan in this movie

[54:56] like the movie slid off my brain

[54:59] is genuinely

[55:00] hilarious yeah and so

[55:02] uh... and james khan is a scientist who's like

[55:05] he's like here i am at my institute frank your family funded my research i'll do

[55:09] anything for you

[55:10] they're clearly in a hotel lobby

[55:12] but it's or like a lobby of an apartment building or a bank

[55:15] or a bank

[55:16] it's supposed to be a huge research institute

[55:18] there's a pointless scene of them talking

[55:20] in the elevator about how many elevators there are on the different sides of the

[55:24] building

[55:26] and it does feel like

[55:28] he's like we got james khan let's just shoot everything we can get

[55:31] and they're like okay let's improv the scene

[55:33] uh... we're in an elevator i guess we'll talk about that

[55:36] they go to james khan's office which is

[55:38] hilarious it's all like

[55:39] dark wood dimly lit it's like a smoking lounge

[55:43] but he also has skeletons and skulls everywhere and it's like vivaldi music is

[55:47] playing in the background like

[55:50] it's a little bit like uh...

[55:52] if they went to the big lebowski's like that room with the fireplace from the big

[55:56] lebowski where he's getting really sad and they decided well we'll make this look like a

[56:00] doctor's office that's fine we'll just throw a skull in there and a skeleton

[56:03] it turns out

[56:05] uh... james khan is a doctor

[56:07] he's a physician

[56:09] but he's also an expert in mythology he has a phd in it

[56:12] and frank tells him

[56:14] the entire plot of the movie up to that point as if we didn't see it

[56:19] even james khan's doctor

[56:21] talks like a mafioso he's like well you know okay we'll take a look we'll take some

[56:25] tests

[56:27] we'll test you

[56:30] uh... he calls

[56:31] he refers to blood as the google of the human body

[56:36] oh yes he does do that

[56:38] that is a thing that happens

[56:40] and mucus is the bing of the human body

[56:43] you're useless and you're like why is this there why would anyone use this

[56:49] now it goes without saying that the genitals are the porn hub of the human body

[56:53] it's not much of an analogy

[56:56] and of course the rectum

[56:58] is the bright part of the human body

[57:02] zoom zoom zing zing zing

[57:04] uh... now dan and stuart what would be the nose of the body in the internet

[57:09] oh man it's a good way to know if something is terrible before you

[57:13] experience it's got to be rotten tomatoes yeah it's great ruining movies

[57:20] uh... but what would what would huffington post be

[57:22] like the nipples that's the it's a vestigial third nipple

[57:26] okay

[57:29] and facebook

[57:30] is the navel of the movie because people are of the body people are always gazing into it

[57:34] oh i've heard that before

[57:38] and because it's the name of oranges

[57:44] uh... and

[57:46] now eyes are the windows to the soul so the eyes are the windows operating system

[57:50] that you're running your web browser on no man you know we're doing a really

[57:53] great job of bringing down the human body in the computer ship guys not as it's

[57:58] james khan james khan showed us the way

[58:00] uh... yeah he's he's brilliant that way

[58:03] uh...

[58:05] they had to give them a blood test which takes forever and they're like

[58:09] that's all you need right three vials no no no four vials and there's a lot of

[58:12] suspenseful music as if we're worried the blood test is going to go wrong somehow

[58:17] this is a movie where opening a box of bananas went horribly wrong

[58:20] so i guess

[58:21] it's possible a blood test could go wrong but it doesn't

[58:25] yeah nothing happens

[58:27] much like a lot of this movie

[58:30] we go back to dinner with robert dovey

[58:32] they swap jokes some more same jokes we heard earlier get told again

[58:37] the guy with glasses he's calling in a hit on his cell phone

[58:41] and he does this by stepping over to the next table about a foot over

[58:45] he's like yeah he's going to be at the jazz club tonight

[58:47] i want him dead

[58:48] i want him dead

[58:49] and it's very clear he's talking about his boss who is sitting right over by him

[58:53] but he didn't decide to even go to another room to talk about this

[58:56] yeah maybe in the script it said uh... that he steps out of the

[59:01] the restaurant they're like

[59:03] we can't shoot this outside it has to stay in the restaurant

[59:06] we don't have a permit for exteriors for this part

[59:11] dr james kahn stops by

[59:13] says that frank's blood is getting younger and now frank's going to live forever

[59:16] uh... frank's dad calls him again

[59:19] says uh... they're going to take care of their family et cetera there's lots of

[59:21] unsubtitled italian and james kahn's like you're going to live forever make me one of

[59:26] those make me a vampire please

[59:28] yeah it's so funny

[59:29] james kahn is like

[59:30] i did up some mythology reading too and uh... it looks like uh... you know you might be

[59:34] like a vampire now who has to live from human blood so uh...

[59:37] maybe when this is all over you can uh...

[59:39] give me a little bite

[59:40] yeah he's still like james kahn he's still doing all his james kahn

[59:45] mannerisms but he's also kind of a little pathetic like he's just like

[59:49] you could just uh... toss me you know a little nibble

[59:52] a little nibble on the neck

[59:54] a little chew it's like it turns into a curvy enthusiasm

[59:56] yeah not a nibble maybe not a chew maybe just a nibble

[1:00:00] well maybe just a pack and it still feels a little bit like a classic

[1:00:03] uh... it feels like a classic frank d'angelo moved to be like

[1:00:07] i got james condon here

[1:00:08] he wants to be

[1:00:10] to do something for him like he wants me he wants something i've got he wants to

[1:00:15] be like me

[1:00:17] it's it seems like he spent a lot of money to get

[1:00:20] a star of the godfather

[1:00:22] to be on film asking him to bite him

[1:00:24] if you get that seems like that's the whole the whole and game of it

[1:00:28] but it's uh... and then

[1:00:29] frank goes home and is brooding

[1:00:31] doctor james condon calls him to check in turns out i'm actually sitting in my

[1:00:35] car in front of your house maybe you could uh... invite me now

[1:00:39] maybe you could just come in and give me a little nip

[1:00:41] maybe like just a little bite make me live forever i want to be young forever

[1:00:45] and it is

[1:00:46] james condon is so funny like he's so pathetic

[1:00:51] it's like james condon is hitting on frank d'angelo and frank cannot find enough ways to say

[1:00:55] no he does not want to go out with him

[1:00:58] so funny

[1:01:00] oh man i love it i love that like

[1:01:02] and they've made no effort to make frank d'angelo look

[1:01:05] different than before

[1:01:07] when he was not a vampire they're like

[1:01:09] why mess with perfection we can't make him look anymore

[1:01:12] young beautiful and powerful

[1:01:15] no you can't do it

[1:01:17] you're going to put lipstick on the mona lisa it's perfection forget about it

[1:01:22] frank has another day drink

[1:01:24] and then uh... his i think his wife starts suspecting that he's having an

[1:01:27] affair she seems suspicious

[1:01:29] uh... we cut to daniel baldwin having sex in the bathroom

[1:01:32] with a woman we've never seen before

[1:01:34] but who apparently is an informant for him

[1:01:36] uh... with frank d'angelo and this is a sex scene that is

[1:01:39] let's say awkwardly realistic

[1:01:42] it's like awkwardly aggressively hostile

[1:01:45] and luckily daniel baldwin's underpants are on the entire this is one of those

[1:01:48] standing up at the counter of a bathroom sink

[1:01:51] in a public place

[1:01:54] and daniel baldwin's bodyguards literally stationed at the door to make

[1:01:57] sure nobody walks in and to hear all the yummy sounds

[1:02:02] and also hear daniel baldwin being like

[1:02:04] you're gonna tell me where frank is right yeah yeah i'll tell you everything

[1:02:06] that happens

[1:02:07] and it's like

[1:02:09] or sonny they always call him sonny

[1:02:10] and it's

[1:02:11] i guess daniel baldwin doesn't call him the actor's name

[1:02:16] good point

[1:02:17] good point

[1:02:18] that daniel baldwin is just such a good lover that he's got this this woman wrapped

[1:02:21] around his finger i mean he does have a little goatee that makes sense

[1:02:25] yeah because he's a nasty boy

[1:02:26] yeah

[1:02:29] he's one of mr sinister's nasty boys

[1:02:32] cut to finally

[1:02:34] the jazz club

[1:02:35] frank's there people are having a great time

[1:02:38] uh... frank sonny he's not having a great time he says he's tired

[1:02:40] uh... at this point

[1:02:42] he's so mumbly

[1:02:43] that the closed captioning which i'd put on at this point to help me figure out

[1:02:46] is wrong

[1:02:49] uh... everyone's like oh he's a powerful person and of the borough president

[1:02:53] comes over but instead the caption said borough prison like come on

[1:02:58] you're so mumbly the captions can't understand you that's a problem

[1:03:02] they say hey you know what would cheer you up

[1:03:04] sing a song

[1:03:05] you know how we always used to sing let's sing a song he's like nah nah i can't do it

[1:03:09] and they make him do it it does not take a lot of pushing but the whole walk up

[1:03:12] to the stage he's like

[1:03:13] can't believe you fucking guys make me do this fucking thing you run my life there's nothing

[1:03:16] you know you just you bully me around i don't know

[1:03:18] glasses guy the weasley guy does not get to sing they shout him down when he

[1:03:22] tries to walk to the stage

[1:03:23] and now

[1:03:24] you this is what you wanted to hear the whole time

[1:03:26] you know that recording of i'm just a gigolo that they were listening to the

[1:03:29] car earlier

[1:03:32] didn't you want to see frank d'angelo lip syncing to that

[1:03:35] with the other guys as his backup singers

[1:03:37] I know you did

[1:03:38] i would only like to see that if they play the entire song like it's

[1:03:43] planned to be a music video or something

[1:03:45] yep it's the whole song and the lip syncing is

[1:03:50] yeah beautifully bad I like yeah I like watching Armando Sante in the back

[1:03:54] whenever he's supposed to come on with

[1:03:55] gigolo

[1:03:56] and he is clearly way off

[1:03:59] yeah and the sound of it it sounds like

[1:04:03] they're lip syncing to a track that's playing in another building it's so

[1:04:07] unreal and and fakey but you do get to hear the entire song and people are

[1:04:10] fucking loving it people are going apeshit

[1:04:13] eating it up this is the greatest thing if louis prima walked in

[1:04:17] was like hey let me get on in that they would

[1:04:19] boo him away they would throw tomatoes at him until he left

[1:04:22] because they don't want him soiling his own song when frank d'angelo could be singing it

[1:04:26] and i love i love the acting choices by the guy with the glasses the weasley guy

[1:04:31] because at this point we know

[1:04:32] he is called in a hit against his

[1:04:35] boss

[1:04:36] maybe friend maybe mentor

[1:04:38] and

[1:04:40] he

[1:04:41] makes no uh... he acts completely normal

[1:04:44] he wants to go up and sing with everybody on stage

[1:04:48] they don't have him like kind of wrestling with himself or struggling

[1:04:51] with that like a shitty movie like the departed

[1:04:54] this is like

[1:04:55] he's just that into it you know what i mean like

[1:04:58] yeah that's the that's the mafia life

[1:05:02] if you're a mafioso you're calling in hits

[1:05:04] you're singing i'm just a gigolo in front of

[1:05:07] packed crowds

[1:05:08] and you tell jokes to each other it's all about having fun and laughing that's what the mafia is all about

[1:05:13] uh... but then that's when the gumars show up

[1:05:15] uh oh

[1:05:17] it's that's right because it's

[1:05:18] monday night i guess or sunday night is sunday night usually the gumar night it doesn't make

[1:05:23] any sense to me

[1:05:24] they went to didn't he go to church earlier that day yeah yeah well you leave your family

[1:05:28] at home to watch thrones

[1:05:29] or westworld or whatever the fuck

[1:05:33] and you go out he always did it the same way

[1:05:34] saturday night was for the wives

[1:05:36] sunday night was for the gumars because the wives were at home watching last week

[1:05:40] because god's busy and he's not watching you

[1:05:43] the wives were watching family guy

[1:05:46] and santo one of them is the girl

[1:05:49] daniel baldwin was having sex with

[1:05:51] and sonny gets a premonition of that moment

[1:05:53] and i have to imagine that it was awkward for him to suddenly get a

[1:05:56] flashback

[1:05:57] of somebody else

[1:05:59] that he doesn't like having sex loudly in a bathroom

[1:06:02] think about it guys

[1:06:03] i would not suddenly want the image of someone i don't like having sex loudly in a

[1:06:06] bathroom thrust into my head

[1:06:07] vampire or no that's the curse of vampirism right there

[1:06:13] and uh...

[1:06:14] santo says hey leave for a second leave for a second he goes

[1:06:18] guys we love our wives don't we

[1:06:19] don't you love your wife

[1:06:20] don't you love your wife

[1:06:21] so why are we doing this and the implication is that becoming a vampire

[1:06:24] has made him a better person

[1:06:27] now everything's a person look guys

[1:06:29] i have to drink blood for a living

[1:06:30] it's put a lot of things in perspective why are we cheating on our wives regularly

[1:06:34] and so

[1:06:35] they all

[1:06:36] very serious and the glasses guy goes

[1:06:38] sonny you're like the whore master of the world

[1:06:41] that's the phrase he uses and they get mad at him and they throw him out

[1:06:44] and uh...

[1:06:45] he throws everybody out

[1:06:47] he tells the maitre d

[1:06:48] i want everybody out of the restaurant and everybody in the restaurant

[1:06:51] obliges him

[1:06:52] and leaves so he can be alone

[1:06:54] it is

[1:06:55] crazy and each of them and he does that so that each of them can break up with

[1:06:58] their mistresses

[1:06:59] in what seemed to be surprisingly heartfelt scenes armando santo is

[1:07:03] really having trouble

[1:07:04] with the fact that he has to break up with his long time mistress

[1:07:07] yeah i mean you develop a relationship it's almost like uh... it's like the new

[1:07:11] family they say

[1:07:13] and uh... and santo gives his his uh...

[1:07:16] now ex-mistress five thousand dollars in cash

[1:07:18] to say goodbye well that's a nice severance package

[1:07:21] hahaha

[1:07:24] i mean she's not getting dental anymore

[1:07:26] that's the problem it's not exactly a golden period well he's like

[1:07:29] this should cover the cobra payments for the next couple months

[1:07:33] you gotta find your own plan

[1:07:35] uh... everyone's out of the club

[1:07:37] waiters are just hustling everyone out and everyone out is very understanding

[1:07:40] that santino needs his own space

[1:07:43] and they're like i guess we'll

[1:07:45] clean up

[1:07:46] tomorrow

[1:07:49] like the staff leaves

[1:07:51] eric roberts walks in with his partner

[1:07:53] as everyone's

[1:07:54] walking out and he sees santino sitting by himself they're about to arrest him

[1:07:58] then eric roberts goes

[1:07:59] wait let's see how this plays out and they leave

[1:08:03] it's like like achilles

[1:08:05] brooding in his tent

[1:08:07] uh...

[1:08:07] they like everyone needs to give santino his time

[1:08:11] because he's a larger than life hero you know he's someone who

[1:08:13] he's on an olympian level they just can't

[1:08:16] they just can't understand the depth of the emotions that he's feeling

[1:08:19] and like marlena dietrich

[1:08:21] or rather more correctly

[1:08:23] greta garbo he wants to be alone

[1:08:26] so i corrected myself in reverence

[1:08:29] it was not marlena dietrich at all

[1:08:31] but then daniel baldwin walks in shoots frank blood spurts out of him

[1:08:35] shoots him in the head

[1:08:36] paul sorvino comes in and he tells paul sorvino

[1:08:39] santo is dead

[1:08:41] and then almost immediately they leave and almost immediately frank just sits right back up again

[1:08:45] and eric roberts

[1:08:47] watches

[1:08:48] uh... santino walk out of the restaurant and he goes

[1:08:50] the bitch doesn't know how to die

[1:08:52] face closed

[1:08:53] ha ha ha ha

[1:08:54] ha

[1:08:55] and uh...

[1:08:57] the

[1:08:59] i'm trying to think

[1:09:00] uh...

[1:09:00] the rat is other so

[1:09:02] uh... he immediately shows back up to his boys the boy sorvino calls up

[1:09:06] armando santo and goes you work for me now

[1:09:08] and then frank shows right up and they go we heard you were dead

[1:09:11] uh oh

[1:09:11] glass's guy must have been a traitor

[1:09:13] and the fact that they heard glass's guy calling in a hit on their boss right next to their

[1:09:17] table earlier in the movie

[1:09:19] that was not the clue they needed the clue was

[1:09:21] who's not here to take care of the body

[1:09:23] glass's guy

[1:09:24] uh... frank said they go we gotta take these guys out and frank says i gotta do

[1:09:27] this myself

[1:09:29] they have a conversation that is about three times as long as it needs to be

[1:09:32] they keep offering their help

[1:09:33] and i'm not how they're all family they love each other and says no i gotta do

[1:09:36] this myself he kisses everybody on the cheek

[1:09:38] multiple times

[1:09:39] and again armando santo is having a very difficult emotional time letting frank

[1:09:43] go and handle this business on his own

[1:09:45] yeah because i mean at this point we're to assume that he is going to his almost

[1:09:49] certain death

[1:09:51] i mean granted getting shot in the face did not kill him but maybe these guys

[1:09:56] know a way like maybe there's a chance somebody's gonna i don't know

[1:10:00] Cut off his head and bury them separately in two different graveyards.

[1:10:04] I don't know the mythology.

[1:10:05] Crossroads.

[1:10:06] Yeah.

[1:10:07] Maybe stake him with a banana.

[1:10:09] Maybe that's how you do it.

[1:10:10] Maybe they're all going to hide behind a river because vampires can't cross running water.

[1:10:15] Sprinkle rice on the ground so he is stuck counting every single grain.

[1:10:20] Any other vampire things?

[1:10:21] I mean, here's the thing.

[1:10:23] He should have known he was a vampire when he couldn't walk into his own Italian restaurant

[1:10:27] because of all the garlic there.

[1:10:29] He is somehow a vampire who has no problem with garlic because he's constantly eating

[1:10:33] Italian food.

[1:10:34] Or sunlight.

[1:10:35] Yeah, he likes the sun.

[1:10:36] Yeah.

[1:10:37] Oh, also, in another sense, the sun never hurts him.

[1:10:39] That too.

[1:10:40] He's a vampire.

[1:10:41] Well, maybe he just sparkles in the sun.

[1:10:43] Like a twilight vampire.

[1:10:44] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:10:45] And they forgot to put the effects in.

[1:10:46] I mean, he's clearly as sexy as a twilight vampire.

[1:10:50] So what order does he kill these guys in?

[1:10:53] Well, there's a scene before that too.

[1:10:55] I'll say two things.

[1:10:56] Number one, Armando Sante is not giving a terrible performance in this movie.

[1:11:00] Although James Caan is my favorite performance.

[1:11:02] He's hilarious.

[1:11:03] But first we see Paul Sorvino, paying off Glass's weasel guy, calls him a rat and a

[1:11:09] hump cocksucker and says, I don't want rats around.

[1:11:12] I hated that guy, but you're a rat.

[1:11:14] Kicks him out.

[1:11:15] So now the order.

[1:11:16] First, Santo kills Daniel Baldwin's bodyguard by slashing his throat with a fingernail.

[1:11:21] And the guy goes, didn't we just kill you?

[1:11:23] And he slashes his throat and he goes, no, I just killed you.

[1:11:26] That's the wittiest thing that gets said in the entire movie.

[1:11:29] And he rips out Daniel Baldwin's heart and he goes, huh, I didn't think you had one of

[1:11:32] these.

[1:11:33] Holding this really fake heart prop.

[1:11:34] Yep.

[1:11:35] Holding a fake heart prop with a blood, bloodless hand.

[1:11:39] Like there's no blood on his hand.

[1:11:40] Like he fucking phased into the body, took the heart and phased out.

[1:11:46] He then goes to the strip club.

[1:11:48] It's deserted.

[1:11:49] Paul Sorvino is eating alone, wearing his hat, but shirtless, still eating a steak.

[1:11:55] He goes, I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you to death with it, which he does.

[1:11:58] It takes like three hits with the fleshy, bloody end of an arm to beat a man's head

[1:12:03] in.

[1:12:04] It doesn't.

[1:12:05] It's this arm must be made out of titanium.

[1:12:06] Maybe it's that gold hand that Jamie Lannister has.

[1:12:09] I don't know.

[1:12:11] Or maybe that Paul Sorvino's love of steak has allowed his skull to become softer than

[1:12:16] a normal person's skull.

[1:12:18] I mean, it might explain why the arm was ripped out of the body so easily.

[1:12:24] He rips it out with the ease of someone ripping a wet Kleenex.

[1:12:26] Like it just falls apart.

[1:12:27] He has some kind of calcium deficiency.

[1:12:32] Like you know sometimes there's no paper towels in a public bathroom and you have to try to

[1:12:35] use toilet paper to wipe your hands off after you wash them.

[1:12:38] The toilet paper just falls apart in your hands.

[1:12:41] That's Paul Sorvino's arm and head in this scene.

[1:12:43] No, I usually, what I do in that situation, because I'm like, I don't want to use this

[1:12:47] toilet paper.

[1:12:48] So I just pull my undies off.

[1:12:50] I wipe my hands in the undies and then I put the undies in the garbage and leave.

[1:12:54] Okay, interesting.

[1:12:55] It's really expensive because you're using MeUndies.

[1:12:58] Yeah, I'm using a competing product to our sponsor, Mack Weldon, MeUndies, but I use

[1:13:05] it just to wipe my hands.

[1:13:06] So that's me being shitty to it, I guess.

[1:13:08] I don't know.

[1:13:09] Yeah, because Mack Weldon's better.

[1:13:10] I have to assume from the weakness of Paul Sorvino's head that if a bird ever pooped

[1:13:14] on his head, it would just go straight through like a bullet, like someone dropped a penny

[1:13:18] off a skyscraper.

[1:13:19] It would kill him.

[1:13:20] That's why he's wearing that hat all the time.

[1:13:22] It's the only protection for his mushy head.

[1:13:25] Finally, oh, the IRS agents get the drop on Santo and he says, stay and die.

[1:13:32] He goes, you guys like chocolate milk?

[1:13:34] Why don't you go home, have a cup of chocolate milk, and not stay and get killed?

[1:13:38] And after a three-year investigation, they go, okay, I like chocolate milk, and they

[1:13:42] leave.

[1:13:43] They give up so easily.

[1:13:44] It's amazing.

[1:13:45] I love it.

[1:13:46] Eric Roberts is just grinning his way through this performance, and he's just like, at this

[1:13:52] final moment, he's just like, okay, and it's just sort of delightful.

[1:13:57] There are people like James Caan who are clearly not having a good time in this movie, and

[1:14:01] people like Eric Roberts who are having a fantastic time in this movie.

[1:14:04] And then finally, he ambushes the weasel, the glasses guy, the snitch, the rat, and

[1:14:09] he says, you think the problem is that – I thought it was that you hate me.

[1:14:15] You hate yourself.

[1:14:16] And he rips off the glasses guy's scrotum, I guess through his pants?

[1:14:20] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:14:21] And the prop is hilarious.

[1:14:22] Either that or his scrotum's just hanging out.

[1:14:25] Like, that's his Achilles heel right there.

[1:14:28] Guys, I was just walking around the city, and I saw a man – I was just walking around

[1:14:33] the city, and I saw a man in shorts, and his scrotum was literally hanging all the way

[1:14:37] out.

[1:14:39] But I was like, how – I had to double back to make sure that it was not a prop scrotum.

[1:14:45] To take a picture of it.

[1:14:47] Wait, how did you make sure it wasn't a prop scrotum, Dan?

[1:14:50] Did you go over and flick it to see if he had sensation?

[1:14:54] I mean, I can't be totally sure.

[1:14:56] I just examined it a little bit.

[1:14:58] You didn't taste it?

[1:15:00] I didn't smell it.

[1:15:01] You didn't take a blood sample?

[1:15:03] It's true.

[1:15:04] I only used my eyes on it.

[1:15:07] So, Dan, are you saying this memory is a case of scrotal recall?

[1:15:11] I am saying that.

[1:15:12] Or, actually, you're saying that, and I'm agreeing with it.

[1:15:14] So, what was your question?

[1:15:15] So, you went back to take a look at it.

[1:15:17] Why?

[1:15:18] Just to –

[1:15:19] Just because I was like –

[1:15:20] – impersonating scrotum?

[1:15:21] I can't believe that this guy – he was like having a conversation with a street vendor,

[1:15:25] and his whole area was just hanging out.

[1:15:28] And, like, also – like, I was – like, the shorts were high.

[1:15:33] I would hope so.

[1:15:35] The scrotum must have been –

[1:15:36] No, they were actually – they were actually surf jams.

[1:15:39] Very low.

[1:15:40] Yeah, they were wearing Johnny Cena-style jorts.

[1:15:43] He must have been hanging lower than, like, any geriatric man.

[1:15:48] You know, like, this was, like, a young guy, and his scrotum must have been dangling,

[1:15:52] like, a foot down from where it should be.

[1:15:55] It's like, people get those earlobe extenders.

[1:15:58] That's what he did with his scrotum.

[1:15:59] He got a scrotum extender.

[1:16:00] It's super hip.

[1:16:01] It's tribal.

[1:16:02] Yeah, spacers.

[1:16:03] Anyway, that was my tale of balls.

[1:16:06] Dan's Tales of Balls.

[1:16:07] That was Dan McCoy with another Dan's Tales of Balls.

[1:16:10] Anyway, he rips off his scrotum.

[1:16:12] The prop is hilarious.

[1:16:14] It's like a cardboard egg carton with two teeny robin's eggs in it.

[1:16:17] It's also – and this might be getting too disgusting – super dry.

[1:16:21] If you're going to rip someone's scrotum off,

[1:16:22] you've got to assume that there's going to be some kind of fluids or blood or something.

[1:16:25] No, super dry.

[1:16:27] I mean, I don't know, Elliot.

[1:16:29] I think you're – I don't know.

[1:16:31] I mean, have you ever torn a man's scrotum off through their pants?

[1:16:34] No, good point.

[1:16:35] Maybe the pants wiped everything off.

[1:16:37] Guys, how would you describe this prop?

[1:16:39] How would you describe this fake half a scrotum with two little testicles in it

[1:16:42] that the movie decides to show us at this point?

[1:16:44] Yeah, there's a –

[1:16:45] Maybe the funniest prop I've ever seen.

[1:16:47] A couple of two little robin's eggs in like a little brown napkin

[1:16:51] that are then forced into the guy's mouth.

[1:16:54] I mean, he basically crosses his eyes, right?

[1:16:56] Like, what happens?

[1:16:57] Yeah.

[1:16:58] Oh, like he's getting a baby's blowjob.

[1:17:00] Yep.

[1:17:01] And it's like he dies, I guess, out of shame or maybe the pain of it.

[1:17:04] I don't know.

[1:17:05] But it's like –

[1:17:06] It's the moment where you know someone on set was like,

[1:17:09] are we really doing this?

[1:17:11] And Frank was like, you better believe we're doing this.

[1:17:13] This is the moment that's going to make this movie a hit.

[1:17:15] He's like, get me fucking Stan Winston in here.

[1:17:19] Get me the Toronto-based Stan Winston of fake scrotums right now.

[1:17:26] I feel like that's a prop that like

[1:17:28] if somebody was auditioning for the sci-fi original series Face-Off,

[1:17:33] they wouldn't even submit that in their reel.

[1:17:37] They're like, I've never done film work.

[1:17:40] It looks like they went to a novelty store

[1:17:43] and bought like novelty half-scrotum,

[1:17:45] but I've never heard of such a thing.

[1:17:48] And what prank would you use that for?

[1:17:50] How would it ever be useful?

[1:17:52] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17:53] It's –

[1:17:54] You're like, hey, you thought on today, Easter Sunday,

[1:17:57] you were just picking up a pair of eggs

[1:17:59] in a weird little brown napkin.

[1:18:02] Look closely.

[1:18:03] That is a fake scrotum.

[1:18:06] Gotcha.

[1:18:08] It's so –

[1:18:09] It's like, it's an endearing moment because it's crazy.

[1:18:12] Sonny returns home to his sleeping wife.

[1:18:14] He takes off all of his rings,

[1:18:15] which is like six or seven rings.

[1:18:17] Yeah, four days later.

[1:18:21] He never takes off his rings.

[1:18:22] So far, I'm going to call it the VQ of this movie,

[1:18:25] Vampire Quotient, very minimal, very low.

[1:18:28] Gives his sleeping daughter a kiss.

[1:18:30] Sancho goes to see Robert Davi,

[1:18:31] who, Natch, is cooking,

[1:18:33] and tells him,

[1:18:34] promise to take care of my family.

[1:18:36] They have a long conversation.

[1:18:37] The audience is, at this point, reasonably saying,

[1:18:39] why is this movie not over already?

[1:18:42] Sonny goes to the graveyard.

[1:18:43] You hear his opening voiceover,

[1:18:45] and then suddenly, ba-bum,

[1:18:46] Robert Loge is there.

[1:18:47] And through context clues,

[1:18:48] we know that that's his dad.

[1:18:50] And it's like, what?

[1:18:52] So, I didn't understand

[1:18:53] if his dad was also a vampire or a ghost?

[1:18:56] Yeah.

[1:18:57] I'm assuming a ghost.

[1:18:59] I mean, if he was a vampire,

[1:19:01] no offense to Robert Loge at this point,

[1:19:03] but he is not looking that great.

[1:19:07] He's one of those vampires

[1:19:08] who got bitten when he was in his 80s,

[1:19:10] and he didn't get any older.

[1:19:12] No, that's true.

[1:19:15] So, the camera cuts away,

[1:19:17] and then cuts back,

[1:19:18] and there's just a pile of dust.

[1:19:20] No more Frank.

[1:19:22] Wait, how did he die?

[1:19:24] I think the sun came up,

[1:19:26] or he just turned into dust.

[1:19:28] Because the sun hadn't bothered him

[1:19:29] the whole rest of the movie,

[1:19:30] so I don't understand.

[1:19:31] But now it does.

[1:19:32] But now it does.

[1:19:33] I mean, is he fully transformed

[1:19:35] into a vampire?

[1:19:36] Haven't you ever read

[1:19:37] a vampire story, Dan?

[1:19:39] No, I understand the dust in the sun,

[1:19:41] but, yeah.

[1:19:42] You rip off a guy's testicles,

[1:19:44] and then you turn into dust.

[1:19:46] Vampires are immune

[1:19:47] to the power of the sun

[1:19:48] until they rip off

[1:19:49] someone's testicles.

[1:19:50] Yeah.

[1:19:51] And it's like,

[1:19:52] he lost the will to live

[1:19:53] is basically the implication,

[1:19:55] I think.

[1:19:56] I have to admit that

[1:19:57] I had to rewind it

[1:19:58] and watch the scene again

[1:19:59] to make sure I didn't miss it.

[1:20:00] anything because he's talking to his dad then we cut to a close-up of James Caan

[1:20:04] looking concerned I guess a little sad that he didn't get turned into a vampire

[1:20:07] and then we cut back to this pile of dust on a tombstone and yeah that's it

[1:20:11] back to the weird logo of the movie and then cut to a Frank D'Angelo song and

[1:20:15] then it's and it's just a gigolo again right is it I don't remember I don't

[1:20:20] think that's the first song that plays over the credits but like they kind of

[1:20:23] hustle through that number and go right back to just a gigolo

[1:20:26] okay I'm just a gigolo parentheses love theme yeah Wow so future generations

[1:20:37] will only know it as the song from Sicilian vampire yeah that's the thing

[1:20:40] Dan did we exhaustively cover that movie I would say I'm exhausted okay so I

[1:20:47] guess let's move on to final judgments yeah let's do that whether this is a

[1:20:50] good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie we kind of liked Elliot I think you've

[1:20:55] got something to say I'm gonna look guys this is for me was a classic good

[1:21:00] bad let's you got a guy living out his fantasies of being a movie mobster on

[1:21:05] screen long scenes where nobody does anything but talk about cards like

[1:21:11] somebody like cuts between different points in time and space that don't make

[1:21:16] any sense there's that whole commercial for the Italian restaurant that just

[1:21:19] shows up in the middle of the movie out of nowhere and doesn't make any sense

[1:21:23] and you got a lot of stars doing their best to be mumbly I gotta say even

[1:21:29] though there was very little vampire in this movie I'm gonna call it a good bad

[1:21:32] movie yeah I would say this is a firm frightfully funny movie oh I forgot we

[1:21:38] know it's not shocked over a small member okay it was minimally merciful it

[1:21:44] was no it was way more merciful than minimally the you know but it's got to

[1:21:48] be small stuff oh the it was a tiny treat how about that I would say I would

[1:21:54] say this is a good bad movie it's fucking crazy but it is a challenging

[1:21:59] good bad movie because the audio is mixed so strangely that like you have to

[1:22:05] work at it to enjoy it and that's and then once you work at it you realize

[1:22:10] they're not saying anything of consequence yeah yeah but it's like it's

[1:22:14] an yeah it's it's they're not saying anything about late consequence I would

[1:22:20] say Sicilian vampire is God's final trick on humanity as it mocks the very

[1:22:25] idea of effort because you have to put so much effort into understanding it and

[1:22:28] then the payoff is is nil yeah I it's almost like the universe is laughing at

[1:22:33] you for even giving a shit I agree it's a good bad movie the you know you look

[1:22:37] at stories and you're you ask yourself the question why was this story told

[1:22:42] like why did it need to be told this family's the most important thing I am

[1:22:46] baffled by like I think that Frank D'Angelo was like just basically had

[1:22:51] like a an idea of like wouldn't it be cool if there's a vampire in the mob and

[1:22:56] not remembering that that was a story that actually had been told before but

[1:23:01] then and he opens the movie mentioning that like this that he's telling this

[1:23:08] story but like who's he talking to he's a pile of ash at the end of the movie he

[1:23:14] pulled a Sunset Boulevard he's just a corpse talking to a movie audience yeah

[1:23:18] but it's just yeah there's there's a as Elliot says there's a very little vampire

[1:23:24] quotient they don't do anything with the idea of a vampire in the mob it's just

[1:23:27] like it's like almost a documentary like cinema verite like day in the life of a

[1:23:35] mobster and then at the end like he's like oh also I was a vampire it kind of

[1:23:42] feels like a documentary about the making of the movie you're watching yeah

[1:23:45] yeah yeah it's hard to tell which scenes are for the movie and what you're just

[1:23:48] behind the scenes shots of the actors hanging out yeah like now I would love

[1:23:52] to see I'd love to see a movie where there's a whole plot and in the end

[1:23:55] they're like oh yeah he's a vampire

[1:24:06] the Dead Pilots Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were

[1:24:10] never made featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza Andy Richter Paul F Tompkins John

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[1:24:33] and many more listen at maximumfund.org iTunes or wherever you download

[1:24:40] podcasts I'm Jesse I'm Jordan and we've been doing Jordan Jesse go for almost

[1:24:47] ten years now and it's not gotten any easier to describe so we asked our fans

[1:24:52] to do it for us Jordan Jesse go is a weekly conversation with two best pals

[1:24:57] two hilarious friends the hilarious smart kids talking about hilarious stuff

[1:25:02] that happens to them mostly really stupid stuff awkward anecdotes insane

[1:25:06] tangents heartfelt stuff it's like being thrown in the middle of a hilarious

[1:25:11] conversation between you and your best pals it's a show that makes me laugh

[1:25:14] every week which is pretty rare and wonderful might be the best thing on the

[1:25:18] internet one of the funniest things you will hear and it's the best part of my

[1:25:22] week and has kept me company for the past seven years through all sorts of

[1:25:26] life I love those guys that's Jordan Jesse go the comedy podcast that's been

[1:25:31] named best of iTunes every Monday on maximumfund.org or your favorite

[1:25:36] podcasting software hug you and kiss you and love you so we've gone longer than

[1:25:43] we ever have before on one of these synopses so let's move on hey it's it's

[1:25:49] small Denver we get loquacious yeah yeah I don't get to see Elliot that much now

[1:25:53] they moved away Dan okay let me talk to him on the fucking computer for a second

[1:25:58] you're saying that you don't want time with me all right I get it

[1:26:01] thanks all right Elliot's in a new city and he doesn't have a lot of friends yet

[1:26:06] but he's really fun and people get to know him but not yet so he's got to

[1:26:12] enjoy this time with his buddies reviewing movies about a Canadian

[1:26:16] vampire that's also Sicilian hey do you remember when do you remember when the

[1:26:20] Alamo Draft House did that special screening for Sicilian vampire you know

[1:26:24] where it was uh it was Sicilians only and vampires oh weird I didn't know that

[1:26:31] part I just thought it was a room full of mobsters yep a room full of monster

[1:26:35] mobsters oh we've got a one we've got one sponsored this week mm-hmm and it's

[1:26:43] Blue Apron for less than $10 per person per meal Blue Apron delivers seasonal

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[1:27:35] apartments and we are still kind of getting our kitchen set up so we've been

[1:27:39] a Blue Apron it up lately and I'm kind of surprised at how how eat like useful

[1:27:45] and easy it is and also like I I feel like I'm pretty good at handling the

[1:27:50] staples of a meal but I'm impressed at how Blue Apron has taught me how to make

[1:27:55] some like little little tricks to like take my meals to the next level like the

[1:28:00] little side things things that like things I've never thought about Blue

[1:28:04] Apron is kind of like the culinary version of like when an older woman

[1:28:09] takes a younger guy under her wing teaches her the arts of desire she knows

[1:28:16] this stuff how else you gonna learn it you know takes the younger man under her

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[1:29:14] flop house that's us cool cool cool a flop house but now now that we've got

[1:29:23] that business what do we do next dude yeah well before we do that you know

[1:29:29] what we should mention I have some live shows coming up oh cool yeah yeah what

[1:29:33] what's the deal with those yeah the there's we got one in LA we got one in

[1:29:38] Toronto we got a later one in San Francisco the Toronto one I we in when

[1:29:43] we in error said was sold out I have since heard that people are still able

[1:29:49] to get tickets so we should promote that one too yeah hopefully draw in

[1:29:54] Toronto yeah hopefully people aren't returning their tickets angrily because

[1:29:59] they thought

[1:30:00] They were getting tickets to Chapo Trap House.

[1:30:06] So, we've got a show on September...

[1:30:10] The 8th, we got, wait, we got a show on October the 8th.

[1:30:14] October, I keep thinking it's September, but it's October.

[1:30:17] Darn this love of September that I have.

[1:30:20] Yeah, October the 8th in L.A.,

[1:30:23] what's the name of the theater, the Regent Theater,

[1:30:25] is that correct? Yep, yep, that's right.

[1:30:27] We have one in Toronto, which is the,

[1:30:31] we're doing that on the Saturday, right?

[1:30:33] Yep. That's the 21st, okay?

[1:30:35] October 21st. Uh-huh, we're doing great.

[1:30:37] And then, we're really professional, guys.

[1:30:41] We've got one in San Francisco.

[1:30:44] Oh, San Francisco, the home of bread bowls.

[1:30:47] On the 9th. In December, on December 9th.

[1:30:50] December 9th, and that's...

[1:30:52] You can't just say the 9th, every month has a 9th.

[1:30:55] That's at the Marines Theater.

[1:30:56] Yeah, Marines Memorial Theater, come see us.

[1:30:59] This is our first time doing shows on the West Coast,

[1:31:02] so, I don't know, come out and watch us talk about a movie.

[1:31:07] Yeah. It'll be exciting.

[1:31:08] That's October 8th at 7 p.m. in Los Angeles,

[1:31:11] that's a Sunday, December 9th,

[1:31:13] that's a Saturday in San Francisco,

[1:31:15] and October 21st in Toronto,

[1:31:17] that's a Saturday, too, right?

[1:31:19] Correct, and this all should be on the website.

[1:31:22] Cool, okay, what else do we have to do?

[1:31:25] I don't see a listing in the event section

[1:31:27] for the Toronto show.

[1:31:28] Yes, that's because, again, I thought it was sold out, but...

[1:31:32] Okay, so if you're in Toronto,

[1:31:33] just Google Flophouse Podcast Toronto,

[1:31:36] and it'll get you there, or just use your blood,

[1:31:38] it's the Google of the human body.

[1:31:39] Yep, just take some blood and give it to James Cahn.

[1:31:43] Otherwise, if you're in Los Angeles,

[1:31:45] go to the Flophouse webpage and go to the event section,

[1:31:47] or if you're in San Francisco,

[1:31:48] buy some tickets and come see us.

[1:31:50] I'm excited to do West Coast shows.

[1:31:52] We'll be three hours more energized

[1:31:54] than they would be in New York,

[1:31:56] and I don't know about you guys,

[1:31:57] I'm gonna make some new PowerPoint presentations for them.

[1:32:00] What? West Coast only.

[1:32:02] Well, I'm not.

[1:32:03] I'm gonna do an old PowerPoint presentation

[1:32:06] because I'm lazy.

[1:32:07] We gotta get on those, though.

[1:32:11] We'll talk about that proper here.

[1:32:13] This first letter that we have from a listener

[1:32:16] is from Sam, Ben, and Ava, last names withheld.

[1:32:22] Long-time listener, first-time writer.

[1:32:24] I think Ava is the one writing,

[1:32:26] even though it's from three people.

[1:32:28] I just wanted to thank you for bringing smiles

[1:32:30] and laughter to my otherwise dull life.

[1:32:32] If it wasn't for your episodes

[1:32:33] filling my unemployed days with joy,

[1:32:35] I probably would have written this letter

[1:32:36] as a physical ransom note and sent it to Dan's address

[1:32:38] along with some creepy voodoo dolls

[1:32:40] I've made in my spare time.

[1:32:42] Thank you for Dan.

[1:32:43] At least he got a hobby.

[1:32:44] He will not shit his pants in fright today

[1:32:46] because whenever I get the urge

[1:32:47] to come up with ways to scare Dan.

[1:32:48] You don't know that.

[1:32:50] He may at some point.

[1:32:52] Just turn on your show.

[1:32:54] Now, floppers, I have two listener questions.

[1:32:57] Question number one.

[1:32:59] Out of all the movies you've seen throughout the years,

[1:33:02] which would you say had the most shocking,

[1:33:03] surprising, creepy ending that stuck with you?

[1:33:06] Mine would be spoiler alert.

[1:33:09] Spoiler alert.

[1:33:11] Yeah, I feel like this whole question will be spoilers.

[1:33:14] What's the spoiler alert for?

[1:33:15] Sleepaway camp.

[1:33:16] So just jump ahead, you know, like 30 seconds or whatever

[1:33:20] if you don't want to know.

[1:33:21] At the end of sleepaway camp,

[1:33:23] when you find out that Angela,

[1:33:24] the troubled protagonist is actually Peter

[1:33:27] who was supposedly killed at the beginning of the film.

[1:33:30] If that wasn't surprising enough at ending,

[1:33:32] the director writer even included a scarring shot

[1:33:34] of the young teen Peen on the Angela Peter character.

[1:33:37] Question number two.

[1:33:39] Can you guys, mainly Stewart, I suppose,

[1:33:41] name any other movies besides Castle Freak

[1:33:43] that has a good ding dong ripping scene

[1:33:45] that's worth watching?

[1:33:46] Mine would be return to sleep, sleepaway camp.

[1:33:48] Side note, I've been watching a lot of sleepaway camp.

[1:33:51] When Randy gets his ding dong ripped off

[1:33:53] by a fishing line attached to a Jeep.

[1:33:55] Classic.

[1:33:56] Thanks floppers, keep on flopping.

[1:33:58] So the most shocking endings that you've seen

[1:34:02] and also ding dong ripping.

[1:34:04] I mean, there's one ding dong ripping

[1:34:07] that comes to immediately to mind, but.

[1:34:09] What's that Dan?

[1:34:09] Street trash.

[1:34:11] Oh, street trash, sure.

[1:34:12] Where they play keep away with a ding dong.

[1:34:15] I think in Sonny Cheeb is the street fighter,

[1:34:19] he rips off some guy's stuff too.

[1:34:21] Does he?

[1:34:22] I don't remember that.

[1:34:23] Maybe I'm making that up.

[1:34:24] Maybe it's all, maybe I could be accused

[1:34:28] of making up a scene in a movie

[1:34:30] where a character rips off genitals.

[1:34:34] Now does it count if the ding dong

[1:34:35] doesn't get all the way ripped off?

[1:34:36] Because there's the part in snakes on a plane.

[1:34:39] He's peeing in a plane and a snake jumps on

[1:34:41] and starts biting his ding dong.

[1:34:42] And he has the immortal line,

[1:34:44] hey, get off my dick.

[1:34:46] Yeah, yeah.

[1:34:47] That's my favorite line in cinema history.

[1:34:49] Yeah, I feel like a ding dong

[1:34:54] not getting ripped off all the way

[1:34:56] is basically just masturbation, right?

[1:35:02] Yeah, I feel the thing about twist endings too is,

[1:35:07] I mean, there's a lot of like shocking endings

[1:35:10] that end up like making a movie worse

[1:35:13] or being dumb.

[1:35:15] Like the ending of Don't Look Now is pretty shocking.

[1:35:20] Not a fan.

[1:35:21] All right.

[1:35:23] Or like the ending of the movie, The Kingsman,

[1:35:28] where, spoiler alert,

[1:35:31] the hero is promised anal sex with a woman

[1:35:35] if he saves the day, which he then saves the day.

[1:35:39] And the last shot of the movie is from his perspective

[1:35:42] about to have that proffered anal sex.

[1:35:46] What?

[1:35:47] What are you talking about?

[1:35:48] No, that happens in the fucking movie, dude.

[1:35:52] Blockbuster film, The Kingsman.

[1:35:54] Yeah.

[1:35:55] Wait a minute.

[1:35:56] It's in The Kingsman, yeah.

[1:35:56] Wait, but how is it from his point of view?

[1:35:58] Is the last shot just the camera zooms into an anus?

[1:36:01] No.

[1:36:04] His point of view is from the tip of his dick.

[1:36:08] It's like he looks down and then you just see

[1:36:11] the anus waving around and the camera zooms in.

[1:36:13] And the anus winks at you.

[1:36:14] Created by Mark Millar.

[1:36:16] Credits come flying at the camera.

[1:36:20] No, but he's wearing a pair of glasses that,

[1:36:24] he's wearing glasses that have a built-in camera.

[1:36:27] And that image is being sent to Mark Strong,

[1:36:31] who is in a bunker somewhere, giving him advice.

[1:36:35] And so we're seeing Mark Strong watch this on his computer

[1:36:39] and he's like, you know, it's like the James Bond moment

[1:36:42] where they're like, oh, James is up to his old tricks again.

[1:36:45] But it's kind of weirder.

[1:36:48] Kind of weirder?

[1:36:50] Okay, it's definitely weirder.

[1:36:52] It's super not okay.

[1:36:54] Yeah, no, it's fucking crazy.

[1:36:56] It feels, I mean, it feels like the worst

[1:36:58] of all Mark Millar writing, kind of distilled

[1:37:02] into one moment.

[1:37:04] So I guess that's pretty shocking.

[1:37:06] What about you, Dan?

[1:37:08] The first thing that comes to my mind,

[1:37:10] and I'm sorry that I'm breaking the rules,

[1:37:12] is not a movie, but a television show.

[1:37:16] The thing that has stuck with me all these years

[1:37:18] until the TV show came back was the ending to Twin Peaks.

[1:37:23] Okay.

[1:37:24] Where, again, spoiler alert, the evil doppelganger,

[1:37:29] Bob, version of Agent Cooper, escapes from the Black Lodge.

[1:37:35] And you think that it's good old Dale

[1:37:38] until he rams his head into the mirror.

[1:37:41] Yeah, and he looks at the screen and he says,

[1:37:43] what's up with Annie, dudes?

[1:37:45] No.

[1:37:45] And you're like, what, who's this guy?

[1:37:47] He says, how's Annie?

[1:37:50] How's Annie?

[1:37:51] I think you're misremembering it.

[1:37:52] Elliot, what about you?

[1:37:57] I don't know, I'm having some trouble

[1:37:58] coming up with a good one.

[1:37:59] So maybe we should just move on.

[1:38:00] Oh, okay.

[1:38:02] I thought I'd have one.

[1:38:04] I mean, there's moments that were like,

[1:38:06] I've seen the movies that were like

[1:38:07] deeply affecting to me at the very end

[1:38:09] where I'm like, wait, what?

[1:38:10] But I'm having trouble thinking of one

[1:38:11] that was like a shockingly either scary or surprising.

[1:38:15] Yeah, I mean, I'm a big fan of endings

[1:38:17] that I don't feel like I've always been this way,

[1:38:21] but I do like movies that have like a non-resolution ending,

[1:38:26] like an ending like something like, spoiler alert again,

[1:38:30] what is it, Martha, Marcy May Marlene,

[1:38:33] where you're like, are the cultists coming after her

[1:38:37] or is that just a truck?

[1:38:39] We don't know for sure.

[1:38:40] And that's like, I think that type of shit's great.

[1:38:44] Or like the end of like, It Follows.

[1:38:45] You're like, is the person walking behind them

[1:38:48] and it follows?

[1:38:50] Yeah, I like that kind of stuff.

[1:38:51] I mean, the ending of a,

[1:38:53] it's not a shocking surprise exactly,

[1:38:55] but the ending of The Manchurian Candidate,

[1:38:57] rather the climax of it is like,

[1:38:59] that's one that I've seen in a number of times

[1:39:01] and always like, leaves me feeling like

[1:39:03] the bottom of the world dropped out, you know?

[1:39:06] It's just a bleak ending, but I don't know.

[1:39:10] I haven't tried, I'll take one later.

[1:39:11] I'll write it.

[1:39:12] Is the ending of The Manchurian Candidate

[1:39:14] the one where The Manchurian Candidate

[1:39:16] has taken the sleeping potion,

[1:39:18] but he's taken it too long and he wakes up

[1:39:20] and he's in a post-apocalyptic future?

[1:39:24] No, you're thinking of the director's cut

[1:39:25] of Army of Darkness.

[1:39:26] Oh, weird, okay.

[1:39:28] A very different movie.

[1:39:30] This next letter is from Dora, last name withheld.

[1:39:34] The Explorer.

[1:39:35] Yeah, I was waiting for it.

[1:39:36] Hello, Dan, Elliot, and Stuart.

[1:39:39] My friends and I were throwing around

[1:39:40] a hypothetical question about movies the other day

[1:39:42] because we're that kind of people.

[1:39:44] The hypothetical is, if you could visit any movie set

[1:39:47] and get the full behind-the-scenes experience,

[1:39:49] which movie would you choose?

[1:39:51] My friends' answers ranged from,

[1:39:53] I just want to eat one of those cakes

[1:39:54] from the Grand Budapest Hotel,

[1:39:56] to, can I go to the future instead

[1:39:58] and just see what kind of nightmare my.

[1:40:00] Bay is cooked up for Transformers 14. Hope you guys are doing well, and as always, thanks so much

[1:40:06] for brightening my days with the podcast. All the best, Dora. So it's not that you're living inside

[1:40:13] these movies, it's that you're visiting the set. No, I'm... Oh, so it's not a last action hero

[1:40:19] type thing? It could be, yeah. Can I be a cartoon cat in this situation? Yeah. I think you kind of

[1:40:26] already are, Stu. Yeah, I mean, I feel like there aren't very many movies made in the last, what,

[1:40:35] 10, 20 years where I would like to visit the set. Like, I feel like it would probably be like an

[1:40:42] older film, like something like, I don't know, The Magnificent Seven, or like Lawrence of Arabia,

[1:40:51] like one of these grand classic movies that also has a big sprawling cast, or, I mean, or like,

[1:40:58] or Star Wars. I mean, I should just say Star Wars. Yeah, I was kind of surprised Star Wars wasn't the

[1:41:02] first one you said. I was trying to be like a cool film dude first. I get it, that was super cool,

[1:41:08] yeah. Or like Goonies, like a movie I grew up with, I think, like, and that had a lot of cool

[1:41:14] weird sets and stuff built for it. Yeah, I mean, where I would go with this is, I would go like

[1:41:21] Raiders of the Lost Ark, or maybe Poltergeist, and the reason is, when I was a kid, I was so

[1:41:27] fascinated with special effects in general, and industrial light and magic in particular,

[1:41:34] and I would like to go with, like, one of these movies that I remember from my childhood that

[1:41:39] really kind of epitomized the renaissance of, like, ILM stuff, and seeing all the props and the

[1:41:49] different techniques that got put into that. Yeah, I probably want to go hang out on the set

[1:41:56] of Gremlins 2. Oh, yeah. For that reason, be around a bunch of Gremlins puppets, see how they did it,

[1:42:03] or the old Star Wars, and just go running around the Death Star. It'd just be fun to run around

[1:42:07] the hallways, because they built the whole Death Star. Oh, really? Yeah, and Gremlins 2 would be

[1:42:11] great, because you'd get to see the inside of, what is that, Clamp Tower, Clamp Center, before

[1:42:15] it got torn down. Yeah, Clamp Tower. Before Daniel Clamp rededicated himself to building

[1:42:23] small suburban towns, like Clamp Corners, where life slows to a crawl, or the set of the original

[1:42:33] Planet of the Apes I'd love to go to. Yeah, that'd be cool. So, this last letter is from,

[1:42:39] all names withheld, because I probably just forgot to find the name. Sorry for whoever this is.

[1:42:47] Once again, Master Sleuth Dan McCoy. But the letter is titled, Eric Roberts, Holy Shit,

[1:42:57] and it says, Eric Roberts is probably the most prolific actor of our time. How has he not been

[1:43:02] in more Flophouse movies? For 2017 alone, I count 42 movies in 2017, all before May. I'm not even

[1:43:12] sure why he's been in so many movies, but I'd like speculation from the Flophouse boys as to why.

[1:43:17] So, obviously, I included this letter, since we watched him in Sicilian Vampire. I think number

[1:43:22] one is, I mean, the guy's got a great work ethic, you know, and he's just got a face that's just

[1:43:28] one of those kind of bland vanilla faces, like a real everyman look about him, you know what I mean?

[1:43:38] Oh, boy. Yeah, that's insane that he's been in so many movies, and I actually haven't seen

[1:43:45] more of them. Although, it seems like mainstream Hollywood has given up on him outside of

[1:43:50] Christopher Nolan. I don't know about that. He shows up every now and then in little things,

[1:43:55] like little roles, but he's one of these guys who seems like he'll do whatever,

[1:44:02] and if there's an actor with a well-known name, he'll do whatever, then people will make

[1:44:06] use of them, and seems to have a lot of time on his hands. What else is he doing with his life?

[1:44:11] You know, he's an actor. He's got to act. Well, he also does stuff like Talking Cat,

[1:44:15] where he's recording everything from his bathtub, so it's easier for him to...

[1:44:19] If that counts as a movie role, then yeah, for sure. He doesn't even have to leave the

[1:44:23] bathroom. Yeah, I mean, he was either in the bathroom, or maybe seated at his computer,

[1:44:29] writing the next great American novel. I can only imagine.

[1:44:34] I'm looking through his filmography. One of the movies for 2017 is The Best Thanksgiving Ever.

[1:44:41] Okay, way to set the standard. He's also in The Terror of Hallow's Eve,

[1:44:47] so he's really hitting the holidays. No offense to the holiday films,

[1:44:51] no offense to Eric Roberts. The Best Thanksgiving Ever probably does not involve Eric Roberts.

[1:44:57] There's something called After School Special, that has a sexy Catholic schoolgirl on the front

[1:45:02] of it. Okay. Devil Dogs and Child of Satan. Yeah, he's got a lot of...

[1:45:08] Is that a team-up? No, those are two separate movies.

[1:45:12] Yeah, the team-up's going to be in 2018. Oh, as part of the Eric Roberts Cinematic

[1:45:17] Universe. He's got an upcoming project just called Taco Shop.

[1:45:25] So, he's doing just fine. Oh, he's got something also coming called Fatty's Take Down the House.

[1:45:37] So, clearly, this is the classic era of his career. And again, I don't want to attack it,

[1:45:44] an actor's got to act, you got to eat, you got to do work. I'm not going to attack anyone for

[1:45:50] taking the jobs that are available. It does seem like there's a room, though, of people

[1:45:55] coming up with the craziest possible movie ideas just to pitch them to Eric Roberts.

[1:46:02] I bet they generate the titles, and then they email him, and they say,

[1:46:05] would you be in a movie with this title? He goes, yeah, sure. And they're like, okay,

[1:46:08] we got to write a movie that deals with the title Fatty's Take Down the House.

[1:46:11] Yeah, do you think they send them a big list of movie names that they made up, and they're like,

[1:46:17] which ones will you do? And they're like, he'll only pick like one of them, and then we'll write

[1:46:21] the script based on that. And he's like, fuck it, I'll do all of them. They're like, shit,

[1:46:27] go get a bunch of Jolt Cola, we're going to be here all night.

[1:46:31] You'll be writing all night. Let's move on to our last segment,

[1:46:34] which is recommendations of films that you should watch, let's say, in addition to

[1:46:39] Sicilian Vampire. Not instead of necessarily, because we all had a good time watching Sicilian

[1:46:44] Vampire. So I'll go first. A while back now, we haven't recorded, it's been a while since we

[1:46:52] recorded, or it's been a while since I saw the movie. I went to, there was a retrospective of

[1:46:59] Jonathan Demme's films at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. And I saw an early movie of his,

[1:47:06] I think it was like 79 maybe, I could be getting that wrong, that he did called Last Embrace.

[1:47:14] And it's largely been forgotten, but I really enjoyed it. It's a Hitchcock pastiche,

[1:47:19] which you can tell because it has things like it ends up in a big fight on Niagara Falls.

[1:47:25] And there's another scene that I... Classic Hitchcock.

[1:47:28] Well, you know, he likes to have... Well known for his Niagara Falls fights.

[1:47:34] Like the one in Psycho and the one in Vertigo.

[1:47:36] He likes to have big landmarks at the end of his films.

[1:47:41] In Disturbia. Hitchcock's classic Disturbia, yeah.

[1:47:46] And he also does that Hitchcock thing of like, there's a fight in a...

[1:47:50] Of getting really fat.

[1:47:51] Yes. Does he do the Hitchcock thing where the main character walks out and a bunch of doves

[1:47:57] fly all over the place?

[1:47:58] I think you might be thinking of something else.

[1:48:00] Does he do that Hitchcock thing where a cowboy gets shot in slow motion

[1:48:04] and the body falls to the ground really slow?

[1:48:06] Yeah, he does all of these things. But the thing I was in particular thinking of is that Hitchcock...

[1:48:11] Does he do that Hitchcock thing where he goes on vacation with his friends who are

[1:48:15] also Hollywood stars and they just film a movie about it and they call it Grown Ups 2?

[1:48:21] Forget it. Classic Hitchcock.

[1:48:23] Forget it, I'm not even going to say it.

[1:48:24] No, no, Dan, what do they do? What else do they do? What else do they do?

[1:48:27] He does that Hitchcock thing.

[1:48:29] Do they do that Hitchcock thing where the actors turn to the camera and address the audience as

[1:48:33] if the audience is there? Where...

[1:48:38] Do they do that Hitchcock thing where a guy with a machine gun says to Tom Hanks,

[1:48:42] I'm the captain now.

[1:48:46] Where...

[1:48:48] Do they do that Hitchcock thing where it's all motion capture and it's a Polar Express?

[1:48:53] All right, so watch the movie and write in to think what Hitchcock thing

[1:48:57] you thought that I was talking about. But it's a good movie. It stars Roy Scheider.

[1:49:04] It has cameos or smaller parts. Christopher Walken is in it.

[1:49:09] John Glover, who we all love, is Daniel Clamp from Gremlins 2.

[1:49:14] Mm-hmm.

[1:49:15] It's also...

[1:49:17] Spoiler alert, it is a Jewish thriller.

[1:49:22] Wait.

[1:49:24] Why is that a spoiler?

[1:49:28] Is it like the end of Sleepaway Camp where it's revealed and you're like,

[1:49:32] he's been circumcised?

[1:49:33] I just don't want to give away too much of the movie, but it's kind of interesting.

[1:49:36] You don't usually see that element in a thriller.

[1:49:39] So it's a very fun movie. I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:49:43] So I recommend Last Embrace.

[1:49:47] That's cool. I'm going to recommend another writer, director, star, vampire movie.

[1:49:54] Okay.

[1:49:55] I'm going to recommend a movie from the 90s called Habit.

[1:50:00] Written and directed and starring Larry Fessenden who is kind of a like a

[1:50:06] Indie horror guy who has been pretty influential with the indie horror scene

[1:50:12] He's the hardest-working man in horror

[1:50:14] Yeah

[1:50:14] I mean he's and he's still he's still pretty influential and still kind of involved with the like new crop of young indie horror filmmakers

[1:50:22] If you if he was also involved in that that video game that came out a little while ago until dawn

[1:50:28] Where you the like the pitch is that you're kind of like playing out the story of a slasher movie

[1:50:34] And the choices you make will affect the direction of the game, you know, like most video games

[1:50:40] but in this case, you're like you're like directing a slasher movie in that game and

[1:50:47] Habit is a movie about a man who is coming out of a breakup and

[1:50:53] His life's kind of falling apart and he finds himself in a

[1:50:59] kind of a whirlwind relationship with a woman who turns out to be a vampire and

[1:51:04] It and it plays out with themes of like addiction and and relationships, and I remember seeing it

[1:51:12] Not long after it came out and not really getting it and then seeing it a few years later and liking it a bit more

[1:51:19] I mean it does have something to do with how much like how much you will take from it will also be tied with how

[1:51:26] Much you like 90s indie cinema, but I think it's I think it's a great little horror movie

[1:51:33] All right

[1:51:35] And I also wanted to recommend a little vampire movie

[1:51:38] little vampires

[1:51:40] The little vampires it's about a Dracula gets shrunk with a shrink ray

[1:51:45] Riding around in a kid's pocket to school. Is that what happens in that fucking movie because Jonathan lip Nicky's in that movie

[1:51:52] The littlest vampire

[1:51:55] Okay, he's not

[1:51:57] murders people

[1:51:59] Yeah, and also he's stuck. He must be such as a child his entire life like in let the right one in. Yeah terrifying

[1:52:05] Yeah, is it near dark?

[1:52:07] Yeah, there's both of them. Yeah. Yeah, or

[1:52:12] Or what

[1:52:13] Interview the interview with a vampire. Yeah, the movie I was thinking of I

[1:52:18] Was thinking of an interview? Yeah, they interviewed a vampire on 60 minutes. Uh-huh

[1:52:24] But anyway, I want to recommend an indie vampire movie and I wanted to recognize the recently deceased George a Romero

[1:52:31] Oh, yeah, and mention his vampire movie Martin, which it's not the easiest one to find right now

[1:52:38] But you can find it

[1:52:39] I used to own a VHS copy of it for years and sadly gave it away when I got rid of my VHS

[1:52:44] Collection, but it's a great movie about a guy who is convinced. He's a vampire. He does not have

[1:52:52] Fangs he doesn't he can go out in the Sun. He doesn't have the

[1:52:56] supernatural elements of being a vampire, but he's convinced he has it and his relatives are convinced he's a vampire and

[1:53:01] it's kind of about the

[1:53:04] loneliness and isolation from society

[1:53:07] that humans and vampires share but that also might drive someone to

[1:53:12] Identify with being a vampire rather than maybe admitting their

[1:53:16] Situation for real, but whether he's actual vampire or not. I'll let you watch the movie to find out. That's Martin

[1:53:23] So you're George Romero recommending the TV show Martin?

[1:53:26] I've been I've always been trying to Martin Lawrence track that one down and it's just really hard to find

[1:53:31] It can be very hard to find Stuart if I realized that I would have given you my VHS copy

[1:53:35] But I don't have a VHS player. So I guess I'd have to like just like run it by my eyes real fast

[1:53:41] Just look at the magnetic tape. Yeah, and see what it looks like

[1:53:44] Yeah

[1:53:44] I wonder if there's some way to find online that if it's ever playing in a theater near you

[1:53:48] Listeners or Stuart is well worth going to go see it's a really good movie

[1:53:52] Yes, and it's too bad that it's so hard to find those old Romero movies are hard to find in general

[1:53:57] Like it's kind of hard to see the crazies

[1:53:58] It's hard to see Knight Riders like I don't know crazies and Knight Riders at least have been they've had a DVD release

[1:54:04] Writers is hard to find like what's it called? The Coven? That one's really hard to find

[1:54:10] Or like whatever the name of it is, yeah

[1:54:14] But it was it's like the crazies. They at least re-release not too long ago. Yeah, but

[1:54:21] There was does it have to do with like like the right stuff like

[1:54:25] After not a living dead when the movie the right stuff came out like no more George Romero

[1:54:30] He's only making movies about NASA now

[1:54:35] All right guys, I think it is I think it's a I think it's a rights situation

[1:54:42] Let's wrap things up. It's a night of the living dead, which is in the public. Yeah

[1:54:46] Entered the public domain instantly when it was released because this they didn't put the copyright on the film itself, which is crazy

[1:54:53] Yep, some lazy title card writer did not put the copyright on and the rest is history

[1:55:00] Sicilian vampires

[1:55:01] Helping Frank D'Angelo rake in the million. Yeah

[1:55:05] Guys guys, I want to admit something. Okay after seeing this movie. Yep when we go to our Toronto show

[1:55:11] I really want to go eat dinner at the forget about it. Yeah. Yeah, no shit. We're totally going there

[1:55:18] Yeah, I gotta make a reservation now, I don't know whether I need to make a reservation

[1:55:24] Let's close up the old flop house. Okay with the door. Yep

[1:55:31] The creaky door rattle the keys rattle rattle rattle rattle

[1:55:37] Thank you for joining us as always go to maximum fun org to hear a lot of other great shows

[1:55:43] Mm-hmm. And for the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy. Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington

[1:55:49] I'm Elliot Kalin, and I'm a vampire. Oh, no

[1:55:54] Bye

[1:55:56] That

[1:55:59] Crazy show at the the King's Theatre

[1:56:03] My brother my brother and me doing a podcast on a card table

[1:56:08] on this huge stage in front of like

[1:56:10] 3,000 plus people I'm never gonna forget the image of John Hodgman eating hummus with a spoon

[1:56:17] Nope that was in the back backstage while

[1:56:20] When everybody ran over to see still buffering go on he used that opportunity to go raid the hummus table

[1:56:31] Maximum fun org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

Ep. #240 - Sicilian Vampire

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