Ep. #240 - Sicilian Vampire

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Sicilian Vampire.

[0:04] Surgeon General's warning, Sicilian Vampire breaks down into roughly 95% Sicilian, 5% Vampire.

[0:13] Mamma mia!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] Ooh wee! I am Stuart Willington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] And over here, it's Elliot Kalin. Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[0:52] Uh, oh wow, jumping right in. This is a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[0:55] Dan, this movie that we are about to talk about is so nutso.

[1:00] That I kind of don't want to waste time on our usual bullshit where we're just like,

[1:04] squawkity squawk, deedly dock, here let's talk about whatever.

[1:08] And Stuart's like, hey dudes, this thing happened.

[1:10] And Dan, you're like, wop wop wop.

[1:11] And I'm like, hey guys, what?

[1:13] But then here's a word that sounds like another word and here's a tangent.

[1:16] And then Stuart's like, yeah dude, that's pretty cool.

[1:18] And Dan's like, oh I don't know.

[1:20] And I'm like, hey guys, let's do this other thing.

[1:22] And then Stuart's like, hey, what about this?

[1:24] And Dan's like, let's get started already.

[1:26] And I'm like, no, no, no, here's a distraction already.

[1:28] And Stuart's like, yeah, let's keep making fun of Dan.

[1:30] And Dan's like, stop it guys, I don't like that.

[1:32] And I'm like, yeah, no, it's pretty funny, but I guess we should stop.

[1:34] Anyway, Dan, what do we do on the podcast?

[1:35] Yeah, you got it to a T.

[1:36] So I start talking about something else.

[1:38] And then Dan, you start.

[1:39] So I don't even want to waste anybody's time.

[1:40] Let's just get right into the show.

[1:42] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Stuart Wellington

[1:43] Okay, Dan, now cut that audio.

[1:45] That is our new ad that we're going to run on all other Max Funtin programs.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:55] It's September, guys, which means that other than Ghost in the Shell, which was a mistake,

[2:02] we talk about small movies.

[2:03] In so many ways.

[2:04] In so many ways.

[2:05] It's Small Timber.

[2:08] Small-vember.

[2:08] Small-vember, yeah.

[2:10] Yeah, where we discuss movies that we...

[2:14] And vampire.

[2:16] Very accurate for this one.

[2:18] Movies we normally wouldn't watch.

[2:20] Movies that normally fall beyond our purview.

[2:23] Wait, wait, wait, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[2:25] You said it's Small-vember.

[2:28] But when I look at the title of the movie, I'm thinking,

[2:31] isn't this more of a Shocktober movie?

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] Oh, because it's got a vampire in it.

[2:38] You would be wrong.

[2:39] There is a paucity of shocks in this one.

[2:42] Now, let's talk about the Small-vember purview.

[2:45] Now, normally on the show, we want to punch up.

[2:48] We don't want to punch down.

[2:49] You know why?

[2:50] Punching up is better for your shoulder muscles.

[2:52] Punching down is actually very hard on your knees.

[2:55] And so we want to punch up to people who are, you know,

[2:57] big famous celebs making a lot of money.

[2:59] But every now and then, we want to punch down at some misguided loser somewhere

[3:07] who decided to pour his own personal bucks into what he thought was going to be a great movie,

[3:11] and instead he doesn't know what he's doing,

[3:13] and it turns out to be Sicilian vampire.

[3:15] Yeah.

[3:16] Spoiler alert, it's not very good.

Dan McCoy

[3:18] And that misguided guy in this case is Frank D'Angelo,

[3:21] who we previously encountered in Small-vember with no deposit.

Elliott Kalan

[3:25] Now, this, I want to announce right off the bat.

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] Now, is punching down hard on your knees because after doing it and getting busted,

[3:33] you have to fall to your knees in contrition and hope that people don't get mad at you anymore?

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] Exactly.

[3:40] And that falling to your knees is a lot of wear and tear because you're usually on cobblestones.

[3:45] Oh, wow.

Dan McCoy

[3:46] It really hurts.

[3:47] Hanging out in the historic district, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[3:50] But if you don't fall on your knees, you won't hear the angels' voices.

[3:53] So you've got to do it, according to the song.

[3:56] Now, Dan, this, I'm going to announce it right off the bat.

[3:59] Dan and Stu, this Small-vember is what I'm terming Small-vember All-Stars.

[4:05] Or maybe Small-vember Small of Fame.

[4:08] Forget All-Stars.

[4:09] Let's call it Small-Stars.

[4:11] It's either Small-vember Small-Stars or Small-vember Small of Fame.

[4:14] Whichever one you want.

[4:16] They both work.

Stuart Wellington

[4:17] Yeah, listeners, write in with your favorite choice and we'll tally up all the letters we receive.

[4:22] And then we'll throw them in the trash.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] And it's taking place in your favorite season, small.

[4:30] Oh, okay.

[4:32] Yeah, I get it.

[4:32] Small-tum.

[4:33] Small-tum instead of autumn.

[4:34] Anyway, here's the thing to remember about.

[4:37] So this week, it's Frank D'Angelo, who we remember from No Deposit.

[4:41] We shouldn't mention who the other Small-vember Small-star is.

Dan McCoy

[4:44] I think people can guess, but we'll keep it surprised.

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] People can guess that he's the most brilliant maker of weird garbage there ever was.

[4:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:52] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] But this time, we're stuck with Frank D'Angelo.

[4:54] Now, for anyone who didn't listen to No Deposit, Dan, Stuart, how would you describe Frank D'Angelo?

[4:59] Other than that, he's a super successful Toronto-based beverage magnate.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] He's a Canadian mafioso wannabe quadruple threat.

Dan McCoy

[5:10] Yeah.

[5:10] He writes, he directs, he stars, and he sings.

Stuart Wellington

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] It feels like every movie is a delivery system for a hot new soundtrack full of covers by Frank D'Angelo.

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] I feel like Frank D'Angelo is like, he's like the low-budget answer, Canadian answer to Seth MacFarlane.

[5:29] Yeah.

[5:30] Okay.

[5:30] I feel like Seth MacFarlane has multiple television shows and movies, and it's all just to make it so that he can get audiences in to hear him sing standards.

[5:38] Yeah.

[5:38] Big, like, music shows.

[5:40] Yeah, yeah.

[5:40] That's Frank D'Angelo.

Dan McCoy

[5:41] And as Stuart pointed out, he usually mixes the songs louder than his own dialogue.

[5:48] Yeah.

[5:49] I would call them competing soundtracks.

Elliott Kalan

[5:51] Well, the exciting thing about No Deposit was that, wasn't it that when you order the DVD, it comes as just a bonus disc that comes with a soundtrack to No Deposit?

[6:01] Yeah.

[6:03] Because at heart, he's a singer.

[6:04] At heart, he's a wannabe gangster.

[6:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:06] I feel like Seth MacFarlane, like, his whole career is this complicated plan so that he can host the Tonys.

[6:16] Oh, yeah.

[6:17] I mean, he probably has hosted the Tonys.

[6:19] I don't actually pay enough attention to stuff, but I feel like everything he does.

[6:22] He goes to the Oscars.

Dan McCoy

[6:23] Oh, okay.

[6:24] Did he?

[6:25] How have I forgotten that already?

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] Do you remember he sang that song about actresses whose boobs he's...

Stuart Wellington

[6:31] Oh, yeah.

[6:32] That was horrible.

[6:34] Okay.

[6:35] So, moving on.

[6:36] Now that we're done talking shit about people, let's talk about this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] What was weird was that was a sponsor spot for The Orville, which premieres tonight, Sunday, September 10th on Fox.

[6:50] Hey, guys.

[6:51] You ever wanted to see Star Trek and thought, I wish there were, like, a couple jokes scattered throughout the show?

[6:56] The Orville.

[6:57] Starring Seth MacFarlane on Fox.

Stuart Wellington

[6:58] Do you want to see a funny version of Star Trek, but not as good as Galaxy Quest?

[7:03] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[7:04] Do you want to see a movie that probably makes the pilot that I wrote impossible to sell?

[7:09] Watch The Orville.

Elliott Kalan

[7:11] Well, one, it's a TV show, not a movie.

Dan McCoy

[7:13] Yeah.

[7:13] No, no.

[7:14] The pilot.

[7:15] What?

[7:15] No, I know.

[7:16] I wrote that Star Trek pilot.

Elliott Kalan

[7:18] No, you ever want to see a movie?

Dan McCoy

[7:19] Oh, okay.

[7:20] Well, whatever.

[7:22] I don't care.

[7:23] It's okay, Dan.

[7:24] People understand what I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[7:25] At least 50% of your burn made it through Elliot's web of blocking.

[7:29] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] Good point.

[7:31] Through the cheesecloth that surrounds me.

[7:34] Dan, I want the listeners to create a family crest for you, and in Latin, the slogan is, well,

[7:39] whatever.

[7:43] Okay, guys.

[7:44] I didn't want to waste any time, but we've wasted it.

[7:46] Let's talk about Sicilian vampire, starring, directed, written by, and music by, and produced

[7:51] by, Frank D'Angelo, which literally means Frank of the Angels.

[7:55] Does he sing like an angel?

[7:57] You better believe it.

[7:58] What a set of golden pipes.

[8:00] But that's not what we hear right away.

[8:02] I wanted, like, my notes for this movie, even though almost nothing happens in it, are

[8:07] very extensive.

[8:08] So let's get in there.

[8:08] This is going to be a long episode.

Stuart Wellington

[8:10] So I'm assuming first we're going to talk about the poster for the movie that has some

[8:13] kind of weird image on it that every time I look at it, it gives me a headache, and I

[8:18] start getting nauseous.

Elliott Kalan

[8:19] We'll get to that because it's the logo that comes up.

[8:21] It's weird that the logo for the movie has Frank D'Angelo's face in it, and it also

[8:26] has, like, a triple, one of those triskelion running leg symbols, like the Isle of Man's

[8:32] flag, I think it is.

[8:34] And it has none of that.

[8:35] That never makes sense.

[8:37] It's just he wanted something that looked vaguely spooky, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] It looks like the description of a demon that you would read in, like, part of the Bible

[8:44] that you forgot about.

[8:45] And you're like, wait, that's supposed to be scary?

[8:48] It's a frog with a crown on it?

[8:51] And then a pair of, four pairs of bird wings instead of legs?

Elliott Kalan

[8:56] That sounds adorable.

[8:57] Yeah.

[8:58] Terrifying.

[8:58] I want to go like that guy.

[9:01] Okay, so let's start from the very beginning, by which I mean the production logo.

[9:05] We open with the production logo for his company, In Your Ear Productions, which is, like, kind

[9:11] of cheap-looking CGI fireworks over a city.

[9:13] I like how that sounds like an insult.

[9:15] It's like, in your ear.

[9:17] In your ear.

[9:19] It feels like he is pouring the movie into your ear against your will, like you're strapped

[9:24] to a chair.

[9:24] Yeah.

[9:25] And the movie is like his pee or something.

[9:27] I don't know.

[9:27] He's pouring into your ear.

[9:28] It's gross.

[9:29] Then we go to a cemetery.

[9:31] There's a voiceover from Frank D'Angelo in his mobster voice about how life is all about

[9:36] timing.

[9:36] Life can change in a moment.

[9:39] And he's Sicilian, and family is the most important thing to him.

[9:42] And there's this soulful choral music as he, in slow motion, walks into frame and sits on

[9:47] a tombstone.

[9:48] And he tells us, hey, I'm going to tell you a story.

[9:49] You judge for yourself if it's true.

[9:51] And then, bam, strobe effect.

[9:53] And then he goes, I don't want nobody to think I'm crazy.

[9:56] And then you cut to the title, which again has his face in the logo, which is crazy.

[10:01] Even Indiana Jones's face is not in the logos for his movies.

[10:05] Like, can you think of a single logo that has the star's face in it?

[10:08] That's crazy.

[10:10] Ultraman, maybe?

[10:12] The Phantom?

[10:15] Yeah, maybe the Phantom.

[10:16] Or like the mask.

[10:18] These are all characters with character faces.

[10:20] It's not just a dude's face.

Stuart Wellington

[10:23] Like Jason Voorhees, basically.

[10:25] Jason would be in a Friday the 13th movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] Exactly.

[10:28] The bad guy's face is usually in the logo.

[10:30] That's what it is.

[10:31] Yeah.

[10:32] But is there a Jason Voorhees in this movie?

[10:35] No.

[10:36] No.

[10:36] Wait.

[10:37] No, maybe.

[10:38] What?

[10:39] James Caan's in it.

[10:41] There are a ton of stars.

[10:43] James Caan, Daryl Hannah, Paul Soravino, Robert Loggia, Robert Davi.

[10:50] Everyone's in this movie.

[10:51] Eric Roberts?

[10:53] Eric Roberts?

[10:55] Daniel Baldwin?

[10:56] Michael Perre?

[10:58] Yeah.

[10:58] Armand Asante?

Dan McCoy

[11:00] All of the people that you remember from having second billing roles in the 90s are here.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] Armand Asante was the star of Fatal Instinct.

Stuart Wellington

[11:10] Armand Asante was the star of the TV Odyssey thing?

[11:16] All right.

[11:17] Remember he played Odysseus, dude?

[11:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] Yeah.

[11:21] Come on.

[11:22] The greatest hero in Greek whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[11:24] The smartest guy who pretended to be an old guy so he could kill a bunch of guys who

[11:28] were trying to sleep with his wife.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:31] With his super tough bow and arrow.

[11:32] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[11:33] All right.

[11:34] Thanks for recapping Greek stories to me.

Elliott Kalan

[11:37] The man's so brilliant that when a Cyclops asked him who he was, he said, uh, nobody, and

[11:43] then left.

[11:45] What a brilliant con artist.

[11:48] Anyway.

[11:49] Uh, we cut to, it's the New York skyline.

[11:52] And what song is playing?

[11:53] I'm just a gigolo.

[11:54] Get used to this song because you are going to hear it 70,000 times throughout the episode.

[11:59] Uh, and on the, on the titles, you see the credits with what can I, I can only call a parade of big names who should have known better.

[12:06] Many of the cast members of no deposit also make an appearance in this film.

Stuart Wellington

[12:10] Like, uh, is that guy art, art Hindle, art Hinkle, the guy who, uh, yeah, the guy, the guy who made the proclamation in no deposit.

[12:18] I gave up my brother for pussy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] So, and meanwhile, and there's three guys are just in a car driving along, singing along to, I'm just a gigolo.

[12:32] There's, uh, who are the guys?

[12:33] There's Armando Sante.

[12:34] There's what?

[12:35] Michael Perry.

[12:36] And then this other guy.

Stuart Wellington

[12:38] Yeah.

[12:39] Yeah.

[12:39] Some guys like the, uh, like the jerk of the group, like the Weasley guy.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] He's like the, he's the little Weasley guy with glasses who nobody likes, but I don't know why they hang out with him.

[12:48] But these are the guys, you know, these are Frank D'Angelo's boys.

[12:50] Anyway, they're singing along to I'm just a gigolo for a long time.

[12:53] They yell at the Weasley guy.

[12:54] They say, you can't sing.

[12:55] And then we cut to a Frank D'Angelo trademark.

[12:58] Frank D'Angelo waking up in bed next to a woman and then immediately arguing with her.

[13:04] It's his wife, Carmelina, played by Daryl Hannah.

[13:08] In a dark wig.

[13:10] Yeah.

[13:10] To make her Italian.

[13:12] In a ridiculous, it's like she's playing what, Daryl Hannah's character, if I had to describe her, and I will, I would call like, it's like the real housewives of Long Island Adams family edition.

[13:22] If Morticia Adams was a real housewife on TV, like, this would be Daryl Hannah's character.

[13:27] And all she does all movie is cook food for Frank and talk to him about food.

[13:32] Long lists of Italian foods.

[13:35] Like, it's like she just starts reading a menu to him throughout the movie at different points.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] And she does almost all of it while looking at the ground or with the wig completely covering her eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] She is very much trying to hide the fact that she's in this movie, as opposed to Paul Sorvino, who shows up later shirtless eating a steak with a little hat on.

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] But anyway, we'll get to him.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Frank D'Angelo picks up an already poured glass of whiskey from his bedside table.

[14:03] That's right.

[14:04] I guess he poured it before he went to bed, knowing he'd need a little pick-me-up.

Stuart Wellington

[14:06] You mean that bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that is in so many shots, and I guarantee you is the only bottle they had, and they just kept moving it from scene to scene and refilling it with, I'm guessing, iced tea?

[14:19] Yeah.

[14:19] It has to be.

Elliott Kalan

[14:21] He's going up to, it seems Frank, whose character's name is Santino, or Sonny, which you may remember as the name of James Caan's character from The Godfather.

[14:29] And that's where the similarities end.

[14:33] He's going up for his annual trip to the cabin with the boys, and they have this weird, he has this weird conversation with his wife where she acts as if she's flirting with him, but his responses are all genuinely mean.

[14:44] Like, he's just really mean to her.

[14:46] Yeah.

[14:47] He's like, oh, don't get too, don't get too wild up at the cabin.

[14:51] He's like, babe, hey, lay off, okay?

[14:53] I gotta do this every year.

[14:54] It's the only way I blow off steam.

[14:55] I need this, okay?

[14:57] Oh, well, you know, just be sure to come back.

[15:00] Hey, hey.

[15:00] Like, he's really, like, the tones are so mismatched.

[15:04] He's so...

Dan McCoy

[15:04] That's the way he behaves all through the movie.

[15:08] Like, for a guy who is clearly so egotistical that he's like, I have to do everything on my film, he's written himself a part that makes him look like the biggest asshole in the world.

[15:18] Like, we'll get to the, like, him up at the cabin with his friends, but it's one of these situations where you're like, why do these people hang out with each other?

[15:25] Like, none of them seem to like one another at all.

[15:28] I mean, they're co-workers, right?

[15:29] They're co-workers in the mob, I guess, if you can call them co-workers.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] They clearly work for him.

[15:35] They're like his guys that, like, he's super close to.

[15:38] They're the Michael Imperioli to his James Gandolfini.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] So they're related?

[15:46] They're all related?

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] No, I guess that's not right.

[15:48] No, it's more like, they're like the Pauly Walnuts and the Steve Van Zandt.

[15:52] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] To his James Gandolfini.

[15:54] So dripping with charisma is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] Dripping with charisma, a real sex symbol.

[16:00] But yeah, they're devoted to him and everybody loves him.

[16:03] Everyone in the movie loves him, but he's just a jackass to everybody.

[16:07] And it's like in No Deposit, he's like a gangster who is, he's not really a gangster, but he's the greatest saint in the world and everybody loves him.

[16:15] Here, everybody still loves him, but he's just mean to everybody.

[16:17] Yeah.

[16:17] Just abusive to everyone.

[16:19] But anyway, we then get a nice one shot.

[16:23] He's nice to his daughter.

[16:24] That's true.

[16:25] He's got a real connection with his daughter.

[16:27] A real Tony Soprano, Meadow Soprano connection.

[16:32] We get a nice long shot of Frank's back as he tries to have his morning pee and is blocked up for some reason.

[16:38] He needs two taps to pee.

Stuart Wellington

[16:41] And the great thing about that shot is we're still in the title cards and that's when we get the Frank D'Angelo title card is while he's pissing.

[16:52] And of course, he makes his name last because it's like that mock humility.

[16:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] Sure, yeah.

[16:59] Look, all these great players, he'll take, he doesn't have to be that.

Dan McCoy

[17:02] It's like in Citizen Kane where like Orson Welles puts up his card last and Orson Welles as Kane.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] I mean, also the last card is usually like that.

[17:12] That means you're the headliner.

[17:13] Like that's the best card.

[17:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:16] Wait, Orson Welles played Kane, the bad guy in Highlander 3?

[17:21] Yes.

[17:21] I thought that was Mario Van Peebles.

[17:23] No, no, that was Orson Welles.

Dan McCoy

[17:25] He's such a master of disguise, Orson Welles, that he can do anything.

Elliott Kalan

[17:28] Okay.

[17:28] He did it in blackface.

[17:29] That's why Highlander 3 was so controversial.

[17:32] Oh, sure.

[17:33] Wasn't that like Highlander 3, the new dimension or something like that?

Stuart Wellington

[17:36] I think it's something like that.

[17:37] The nude dimension?

[17:39] I gotta watch this movie.

[17:40] Which was a crazy dimension because Christopher Lambert, I don't know, or Christopher, Christopher Lambert,

[17:46] is like partially blind, so he couldn't really even enjoy the pleasures of the nude dimension.

[17:52] Yeah.

[17:52] But it would also allow him to resist its siren song, like Odysseus.

[17:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:57] You mean Armand Asante?

[17:59] That's what I meant to say.

[18:01] Anyway, so he pees for a while.

[18:03] He has to run two faucets to pee.

[18:04] It's the only weakness we see from the character throughout the movie, this inability to pee once.

[18:09] Cut back to his boys are still singing Gigolo in the car.

[18:13] Apparently this cut of the song is 40 straight minutes long.

[18:17] Lots of vamping.

[18:18] And they are loving it.

[18:20] Santino, Frank D'Angelo, walks into his living room and his daughter is sleeping on the couch.

[18:25] I could never quite figure out if the daughter had a bedroom or just slept on the couch.

[18:29] He's getting ready to go to the cabin.

Stuart Wellington

[18:31] You know, millennials nowadays, dude.

[18:33] Millennials, they just don't want to buy their own homes.

[18:35] They just can't, you know.

[18:37] They just want to live off mom and dad forever.

Elliott Kalan

[18:40] They just want to live off their lobster parents forever.

Dan McCoy

[18:42] With their avocado toast and everything.

[18:44] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] Oh, if they're ruining the economy with that avocado toast somehow, then I never quite understood.

[18:50] I remember there was an article somewhere, what was it, that was like,

[18:54] it was like, this type of beverage is dying because millennials aren't buying enough.

[18:59] I remember someone on Twitter being like, I don't have to buy, like, why do I have to buy that thing?

[19:02] I don't understand.

[19:03] Why is it my responsibility to keep this business alive?

Dan McCoy

[19:05] Yeah.

[19:06] And it was Dr. Brown's celery soda.

[19:08] I love celery soda.

Stuart Wellington

[19:11] Why, millennials, would you kill the thing I love?

[19:14] Are you saying that this generation that seems to have no economic power because they're living at home also are responsible for every economic travesty that befalls chain restaurants like Applebee's?

[19:28] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] Exactly.

[19:30] The generation that walked into the worst job market since, what, the 40s?

[19:36] Mm-hmm.

[19:37] Is to blame for not buying enough stuff.

[19:39] Not doing all the things that old people do.

[19:43] Okay.

[19:44] Whew.

[19:45] Anyway.

[19:45] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] We bled that venom out.

[19:47] Let's get back to the movie.

[19:49] Take that, non-millennials.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] Okay.

[19:51] So, Frank, I just want to mention, he appears to be going up for this cabin trip in a leather shirt, and he makes sure to have a pistol on it.

[19:59] His friends show up singing really loud.

[20:01] I got ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[20:03] It's the same song.

[20:04] They just listen to the same song on repeat like a bunch of toddlers.

[20:07] The same way that my son is like, hey, can we listen to the Frozen soundtrack 40 times in a row?

[20:13] Like, that's these guys with that one song.

Stuart Wellington

[20:15] When was the last time you guys did that with a song?

[20:18] Just listen to it over and over again?

[20:20] Uh-huh.

[20:22] Jeez.

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] I think there's a song by the band FFS, which is Franz Ferdinand and Sparks teamed up.

[20:28] Okay.

[20:28] They had a song called So Des Uné that I listened to over and over again.

[20:32] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[20:33] So, you're just like these guys is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] Exactly.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] And I would jump out of my car singing it at people.

[20:39] And then they would wave guns at me.

[20:40] He gets really mad that they're being too loud and starts waving his gun around at them.

[20:44] And meanwhile, an old man across the street is watching them with binoculars from another car.

Stuart Wellington

[20:50] Frank, he like...

[20:51] Are you calling Eric Roberts an old man?

Elliott Kalan

[20:54] Eric Roberts has not shown up yet.

[20:56] This is Eric Roberts' partner.

[20:58] Okay.

[20:58] They couldn't get Eric Roberts for this day of the shoot, I guess.

[21:01] Frank, he jokes with his friends by waving a gun at them.

[21:05] He's like, hey, Weasley guy, go ride in the trunk.

[21:08] What?

[21:09] What's Sonny?

[21:10] Go ride in the trunk.

[21:11] Look, you can either arrive at the cabin in the trunk alive, or you can be dead right now.

[21:16] And then the guy starts climbing in the trunk, frightened.

[21:18] And Frank's like, come on, come on, just busting your balls.

Stuart Wellington

[21:22] I'm not going to kill you in my driveway in this Toronto suburb.

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] That I'm going to say is, what, Long Island?

[21:29] Yeah, it's got to be Long Island, right?

[21:30] Bay Ridge.

[21:31] But it really sets the tone for how he interacts with his friends, which is that he's an asshole.

[21:37] And his friends have to deal with it.

[21:40] Cut to.

[21:41] We're introduced to Paul Sorvino in a bathrobe in a deserted strip club.

[21:46] And Paul Sorvino is very mad.

Dan McCoy

[21:46] Well, you call it a strip club, but it's one of these movie strip clubs where the women are just sort of undulating in underwear,

[21:52] and they never actually get naked.

[21:55] And it seems to be super popular.

[21:57] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] It's packed.

[21:59] But it's just also, it's one room that clearly had, like, glitter curtains put up.

[22:03] Yeah.

[22:03] To hide the walls.

Stuart Wellington

[22:04] Yeah, it looks like the small side room of a, like, a Midwestern convention center.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] Yeah.

[22:12] They rented out an airport chapel for one day.

[22:16] And turned it into the most chaste strip club.

[22:19] Which is like a teeny go-go club.

Stuart Wellington

[22:20] I can only assume it's, like, an unused storage room for the Forget About It Supper Club,

[22:26] owned by Frank D'Angelo in Toronto.

[22:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:30] Well, you know, he's a businessman.

[22:32] He has to maximize all his space.

Stuart Wellington

[22:34] Yeah, I guess you're right.

[22:37] I mean, might as well pay, might as well pay himself for the, uh, for the location fees.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] That's what the, that's what the old studios used to do all the time, is that if, uh, the

[22:47] producer who was making a movie, or even if the studio was making the movie, they would

[22:50] charge themselves for the use of the studio, for the use of the actual soundstage, and

[22:55] that would be a way of recouping some of the money right off the bat.

Stuart Wellington

[22:58] I'm assuming that's how Charles Band, why Charles Band owns a, uh, a castle in Eastern

[23:04] Europe.

Elliott Kalan

[23:06] I mean, if you have the chance, why not own a castle in Eastern Europe?

Stuart Wellington

[23:09] Might, might as well put some puppets in there, call it Puppet Master, Castle Edition.

Elliott Kalan

[23:14] Castle Edition.

[23:16] Anyway, it's a shot-by-shot remake of the first Puppet Master, but it all takes place in the

[23:19] castle now.

Dan McCoy

[23:20] And it also has TV's castle in it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:22] Wow.

[23:23] Yeah.

[23:24] Okay, I guess he's fallen on hard times, but that's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] And they play chess, and the only piece they can use is the rook.

[23:31] Mmm.

[23:32] Because it's a little castle.

Stuart Wellington

[23:33] Oh.

[23:35] Oh, okay.

[23:36] Elliot's holding up his notes for this episode, and it's super tense.

Elliott Kalan

[23:41] We're barely into my notes.

[23:42] So, Paul Servino gets mad because they don't have champagne at his buffet at the strip club.

[23:47] He swears a lot, and then he makes his assistant put his shoes on for him.

[23:51] We're now 13 minutes into the movie, and nothing has happened at this point.

[23:55] I kept a running tally of the time we were into the movie at different points, because so

[24:00] little had taken place.

[24:01] So, by this point, we've seen three guys sing along in a car for a long time.

[24:05] We've seen Frank D'Angelo have trouble peeing, and we've seen Paul Servino get mad at somebody

[24:10] and make them put his shoes on him.

[24:12] Okay, the guys arrive at the cabin, which is one of those cabins that looks like it's just

[24:16] on another street in the same town as the house that they just left.

[24:20] There's nothing particularly woodsy or even isolated or remote about this cabin.

[24:24] It's just a house.

[24:25] The guys start unpacking all the food that Carmelina made for him, because she made, like,

[24:30] an entire catered events worth of Italian food the night before.

[24:35] Frank wants to play cards.

[24:36] Come on.

[24:36] And they argue about whether they should unpack the food or play cards forever.

[24:41] Like, it's just for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[24:43] So that's what they were talking about while the Frank D'Angelo song was playing loudly

[24:48] over the mix.

[24:49] And they just seemed to be shouting.

[24:51] Okay, yeah, because we could not hear what the hell was going on.

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] I think the fact that I was watching with headphones on helped me to understand some of what they

[24:59] were saying.

[24:59] But you didn't miss much, because now they start playing cards.

[25:02] And Frank, clearly, he runs the game.

[25:05] He says, if anyone cheats, they die.

[25:06] These are his closest friends, by the way.

[25:08] Every year, he goes with them to the cabin to play poker.

[25:11] Still feels the need to tell them, if you cheat, you die.

[25:13] At least they're through a hand of poker.

[25:15] Oh, this is also the...

[25:17] Sorry, go on.

[25:18] I was going to say, he's maybe the least likable film character I've ever seen.

[25:21] Ever.

[25:22] Like, Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List, I was like, well, at least he's like, he's

[25:25] an evil human, but he's human.

[25:27] This guy I don't like at all.

Stuart Wellington

[25:28] You're like Bobby Peru in Wild at Heart.

[25:30] Well, at least, you know, he's got a sense of humor.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] And this is the part...

[25:36] Oh, the Emperor?

[25:36] Well, I kind of sympathize with the Emperor's need for order in a chaotic universe.

[25:41] Okay, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[25:42] I like the way he's got a wrinkly face.

[25:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:45] You know that part in Cannibal Holocaust where the people who are making the movie burn down

[25:50] an entire tribe for no reason?

[25:52] You know what?

[25:53] At least they're doing it in the interest of anthropology.

[25:55] This guy, Frank D'Angelo, is just a jerk here.

Dan McCoy

[25:58] And Hitler had some good ideas, right, guys?

[26:00] Right?

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] Uh, dude.

[26:03] We were talking about movie characters.

Dan McCoy

[26:06] Anyway, this is the point in the movie where, like, they tell, like, two street jokes at

[26:10] length.

[26:11] Like, there's a later point where, like, they also tell a street joke.

[26:15] And it's just like, this movie spends so much time telling, like, a joke that, you know,

[26:21] your uncle would tell you at some party that you're just like, I should not listen to...

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] Yeah.

[26:27] Like, if you're 13 and your uncle's like, hey, come over here.

[26:30] Come over here.

[26:30] And you go into a corner and he tells you, like, a dirty joke.

[26:33] Yeah.

[26:33] That he doesn't want your parents to hear.

[26:35] They do that over and over.

[26:36] They tell the same joke twice at length at different points in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[26:41] It's pretty obvious that off set there was a script doctor who was there and he's like,

[26:46] no, you have to understand, if you want to get this movie classified vampires slash horror

[26:53] slash mafia slash comedy, you're going to need to put more jokes in there.

[26:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:59] The most popular section in the video store.

[27:02] The horror vampire mafia comedy.

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] Did I say, yeah, did I say script doctor?

[27:06] I meant blockbuster executive.

Dan McCoy

[27:08] I thought you meant that Joss Whedon was there in the corner punching things up.

Stuart Wellington

[27:13] Yeah.

[27:13] He's like, another one of my classic strong female characters, please.

[27:18] That's my Joss Whedon impression.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] Great.

[27:20] Good stuff.

[27:21] Hey, it's me, Joss Whedon.

[27:24] Not Joe Sweden.

[27:25] That's a completely different guy.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] It's me, Joe Sweden.

Stuart Wellington

[27:29] How you doing?

[27:30] Hey.

[27:31] They're like, hey, Joss Whedon.

[27:32] I love your stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[27:34] No, no.

[27:34] The name is Joe Sweden.

[27:36] Let me show you my driver's license.

[27:37] I'm tired of getting all the credit for Serenity.

Stuart Wellington

[27:40] That's a great picture on your driver's license.

[27:42] Is that a, they let you wear a scarf for that?

Elliott Kalan

[27:45] Yeah.

[27:46] Well, I, you know, I wanted to look my best.

[27:47] And also I had recently been bitten by a mafia vampire.

[27:50] I wanted to cover up the bite marks.

Stuart Wellington

[27:52] Oh, weird.

[27:52] A mafia vampire.

[27:53] How did that get delivered to you?

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] Oh, interesting.

[27:57] I'll tell you how that was.

[27:59] So you see, I was at the cabin playing cards.

[28:01] Let me break this hilarious character.

Dan McCoy

[28:03] Wait, hold on.

[28:03] I just realized that there would be another movie in the mafia slash vampire slash comedy section.

[28:11] And that would be Innocent Blood.

Stuart Wellington

[28:13] Yeah.

[28:13] I mean, that's a hilarious movie.

[28:15] I mean, it is sort of a comedy.

[28:17] Also featuring Robert Loja.

[28:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] I mean, a comedy in the way that what?

[28:21] Like an American werewolf in London is a comedy where there's not really jokes in it?

[28:24] Yeah.

[28:25] I mean.

[28:26] Yeah.

[28:26] Like Sports Night.

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:29] Sports Night's full of jokes.

[28:31] That's why they put the laugh track in after the first season.

[28:34] Okay.

[28:35] So here's something to remember about mob movies.

[28:37] Guys, whenever we see a big crowd of mobsters hanging out, what's the first thing we always see them do when those scenes start?

[28:44] We always see someone finishing a joke and then everybody laughing.

[28:48] It's always like, yeah, back then we had lots of fun.

[28:51] And then we cut to the scene.

[28:52] He goes, so I said to the guy, that's not my foot.

[28:55] That's my dick.

[28:56] And they all start laughing.

[28:57] And he goes, we were all there.

[28:58] Joey two times.

[29:00] Henry one time.

[29:01] Henry finger bone.

[29:02] That guy.

[29:03] Maybe kneecaps.

[29:05] And I think, I think Frantangelo was like, oh, every scene.

[29:08] And mobsters are always sitting around telling each other jokes and forgot that in those scenes we never hear the whole joke.

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:14] We always just cut to them laughing.

[29:16] It's just a way of establishing that they were talking.

[29:18] But he's like, I'm going to do it different.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] I'm going to show the whole joke.

[29:22] Oh, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[29:24] Building suspense.

Stuart Wellington

[29:25] It's like a real postmodernist take on the mafia movie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] Yeah, exactly.

[29:31] It's like the innkeepers in a way where it's like, hey, this is a horror movie.

[29:38] But a lot of it's really just about the innkeepers like hanging out and like getting to know these characters before the scares happen.

[29:45] Yeah.

[29:45] He saw the innkeepers and he's like, I'll do that.

[29:48] But I'll do it mob style.

Stuart Wellington

[29:49] Sure.

[29:50] I'm assuming that Frank D'Angelo watches a lot of low budget indie horror movies.

Elliott Kalan

[29:56] He was like, I'll call it Sicilian innkeepers.

[29:59] And then Ty West was like, I don't think so, sir.

[30:01] Cease and distance.

[30:04] Anyway, we cut back to Paul Sorvino at the surprisingly chaste strip club.

[30:08] As Dan described, Sorvino is now wearing a little black fedora and just eating a lot.

[30:13] And I think it's supposed to be like decadent, but it just seems like very low budget.

[30:20] And all we see is the women kind of wiggling around while Sorvino stuffs food into his face.

[30:24] There's no plot in this.

Stuart Wellington

[30:25] Yeah.

[30:25] It just looks like he took like one, one heavy trip to the buffet line.

[30:29] And then he's back wearing that bathrobe with his chest hanging out.

[30:33] And you're like, cool.

[30:35] I guess they just promised like they lured him out of his cave with food.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] He usually hibernates.

[30:45] You're positing that Paul Sorvino is some kind of an ursine creature.

[30:49] Yeah.

[30:50] Lives in a cave hibernating.

Stuart Wellington

[30:51] I mean, they don't take his bathrobe off entirely.

[30:55] So I don't see if he has any guard hairs protecting his genitals.

[30:59] But I'm assuming they're there.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] Okay.

[31:02] Well, if anyone has any firsthand experience with Paul Sorvino's genitals, please write into the flop house.

[31:07] Tell them, tell us how much they are or not, or not like a bear.

[31:10] Okay.

[31:11] Back to the card game.

[31:12] And it just keeps going on.

[31:15] They keep playing cards.

[31:16] We're 20 minutes into the movie.

[31:18] No plot.

[31:18] So it's time for Eric Roberts to drive in.

[31:20] He and that other guy that we saw watching through the binoculars, they're IRS agents.

[31:25] And Eric Roberts finally, they've been studying Santino for three years.

[31:28] They want to finally take him down.

[31:30] He doesn't care about those other crimes.

[31:32] He just wants them to pay their taxes.

[31:34] Okay.

[31:35] Back to the card playing and joke telling.

[31:37] And then night falls.

[31:38] They're still playing, but they're tired.

[31:41] Nobody seems to be having a good time.

[31:43] One guy, which one, is it Michael Perry who threatens the guy with glasses with a knife because he thinks he's cheating?

[31:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[31:49] And then?

[31:50] The Weasley guy.

[31:51] We cut back to the strip club.

[31:53] The dancer they announced a while back, Cassandra, is still on stage and Sorvino is still eating.

[31:58] It's been an entire day is what this is telling us.

[32:01] We cut to a nighttime scene and then back to this.

[32:03] Paul Sorvino has been eating steak at the strip club all day.

[32:07] And there's this woman with him and she goes over to the bar.

Stuart Wellington

[32:10] He paid us ten bucks, dude.

[32:11] You're going to get all the steak you can eat.

Dan McCoy

[32:13] Maybe it's one of those steaks that if you finish it, you get your picture up on the wall.

Stuart Wellington

[32:17] Yeah.

[32:18] That's why he's dressed up so well is because he wants his picture taken.

[32:21] That's right.

[32:22] He's wearing his best little hat.

[32:24] It's like picture day at school.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] Every time he goes there, he wears that hat and he doesn't quite finish the steak.

[32:28] And he's like, this time I'm finishing the steak.

[32:30] I'm not wearing this hat again.

[32:33] This woman who is like Paul Sorvino's major domo, she walks over to the bar and yells at the bartender for talking on the phone.

[32:41] That's not a plot.

[32:42] It doesn't go anywhere.

[32:43] It's just an incident.

[32:44] And then Danny Baldwin shows up wearing an evil goatee like a Spock in the Mirror Mirror episode.

[32:50] And he tells Paul Sorvino, they've got to stop Santino.

[32:54] They've got to stop him.

[32:55] And Paul Sorvino just yells at him.

[32:57] The next morning, now it's the morning, the guys all wake up at the card table.

Stuart Wellington

[33:02] They've all fallen asleep with their cards still in their hand.

Elliott Kalan

[33:06] What we're supposed to believe is they literally played cards until they passed out.

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:11] That's how into the – it's like that's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] But they all like – but also they're all asleep in the chairs.

[33:16] Like it seems like one guy would fall asleep in the chair.

[33:19] Like they didn't all like simultaneously talk out.

Stuart Wellington

[33:22] You'd think one guy would fall asleep and the other guys would be like, I know what to do.

[33:26] This is a mafia situation.

[33:28] Yeah.

[33:28] Let's dunk his hand in some water.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] Or at the very least they'd be like, yeah, it is getting late.

[33:33] Let's go off to bed.

[33:34] But no, unless someone literally just put gas in the house and knocked them out.

[33:40] Like there's a gas leak in the cabin or maybe like their enemies put sleeping gas in there so they could rob them.

[33:46] But they all just wake up at the table.

[33:48] It takes them a long time to wake up.

[33:50] But here's where things start to get exciting because – uh-oh.

[33:53] Uh-oh.

[33:53] What's this?

[33:54] A box of bananas.

[33:56] Like a big grocer's crate full of bananas.

[33:58] Yeah.

[33:58] It's breakfast time, dude.

[34:00] Right?

[34:01] D'Angelo's like, come on.

[34:02] What's this?

[34:02] What's this shit?

[34:03] He's like, it's healthy.

[34:04] Come on.

[34:04] So for breakfast, they're all going to have bananas.

[34:06] They open the box.

[34:08] Dan, you got to explain what happens next.

[34:11] They open the box of bananas and what happens?

Dan McCoy

[34:13] This, I guess, CGI bat comes out of the box of bananas and bites Frank D'Angelo on the neck.

[34:19] And everyone's like, ah, a bat.

[34:21] And they're like trying to pry it off of him.

[34:23] But the thing that I love the most about this is the box of bananas that the bat comes out of.

[34:28] Like the bat that gives him vampirism is a dull box of bananas.

[34:34] Like it's not just – it's not like this guy's like, oh, I got this like tropical treat.

[34:39] Like my friend has a line on some like really fresh bananas that come from darkest Peru or something like that.

[34:45] It's like apparently just –

[34:47] From Transylvania.

[34:49] Yeah.

[34:50] Any grocer has these like the risk of a vampire bat.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] This is –

[34:55] I feel like –

[34:55] This is funded by the anti-banana lobby.

Stuart Wellington

[34:57] I feel like CGI bat is being very charitable to what happens.

[35:03] It feels very much like he opens the box, pulls out a dark piece of cloth, slaps it on his neck.

[35:10] And then all of a sudden the camera starts going in slow motion and like it gets kind of swimmy, right?

[35:16] Like it feels –

[35:18] Yeah.

[35:18] And then blood starts squirting everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] Yeah.

[35:21] There's blood all over the place.

[35:22] And I just – I love how out of nowhere this comes from.

[35:26] And it's like we never – that bat you never see it again.

[35:29] No one ever talks about this incident again really.

[35:32] So it's like is this – are we supposed to believe this is the kind of thing that occasionally –

[35:35] Like I don't really love bananas.

[35:39] Do you guys – have you ever opened up a box of bananas and a bat or any animal has flown out?

[35:43] Well, first –

[35:44] Even in the banana boat song, there's an animal.

[35:47] It's a tarantula, not a bat.

Stuart Wellington

[35:49] Yeah.

[35:49] I mean the risk in this case – I mean for all I know that actually could have been a tarantula because I did not see any wings on this thing.

[35:58] But yeah.

[35:59] I mean that's the risk you run when you go to Sam's Club and you get the giant box of bananas that hasn't been broken down into smaller boxes.

[36:07] Because normally the people who get bitten by these bats or tarantulas are the stock boys at grocery stores.

[36:13] That's why they're all vampires.

[36:15] Yeah.

[36:16] That's why they have the good insurance.

[36:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:19] That's why – a lot of people know this, that most stock boys are vampires for this reason.

[36:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:25] Now, speaking of health insurance, they quickly rush Frank D'Angelo with this massive scarf wrapped around his neck to what appears to be, I don't know, the same convention center that they shot the strip club at.

[36:39] Because this looks like the smallest little hospital.

[36:43] It's the same white walls and like one curtain they put up and like a bookshelf.

Elliott Kalan

[36:50] It's a tiny room they've tried to make look like it's both the reception area and the ER of a hospital.

[36:57] And it's like that ER waiting room.

Stuart Wellington

[37:00] And there's like a bookshelf behind the receptionist's head that looks like the bookshelf you would see at like a small resort where like when people travel they like leave a book behind and take a book.

Elliott Kalan

[37:14] They're like, oh, you were bitten by a bat.

[37:15] Well, while you're waiting, why don't you read this Daniel Steele novel?

[37:18] Yeah.

[37:19] It's a paperback.

[37:20] The last couple pages are missing, but you don't really need them.

[37:22] You just fill it in.

[37:24] There's a lot of points where it looks like they're in the like mafia version of like Busytown.

[37:30] Scary books.

[37:30] Where it's like this is the basic rudiments of a tiny hospital.

[37:34] Okay.

[37:35] They go and they kind of bully their way into the hospital.

[37:39] And at this point, Frank has covered up his wound with just by wrapping a napkin around it.

[37:44] And it looks like either he has a toothache in his neck or he's trying to cover that little head from how to get ahead in advertising.

[37:51] Like that's what that's what he's got.

[37:53] But the doctor looks at him and he says, it's just a scratch.

[37:57] It's miraculously healed.

[37:58] The doctor, having not examined him at all, tells him his vitals are good and that he can leave.

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] I mean, I think he must be a really good doctor and he can just tell by looking at Frank D'Angelo, like this is a man in the prime of his life.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] There's a point later on where James Caan later in the movie is like, look at your skin.

[38:19] It's like a baby spot.

[38:20] Your skin's getting younger.

[38:21] And you look at his face and you're like, no, it is not.

[38:23] Yeah, not at all.

[38:24] He's the skin of a man in his early 50s.

Stuart Wellington

[38:25] I was like, please, somebody get James Caan his glasses.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] So maybe what we're led to believe here is this is a world where no one is very good at their job.

[38:36] The strippers are not good at stripping.

[38:38] The stock boys can't keep vampire bats out of their banana boxes.

[38:42] And the doctors don't really know what constitutes human health.

[38:45] Like, is that the world we're living in?

[38:47] Just like this incompetence universe?

[38:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:49] Well, I mean, like it's a brutal satire on day to day modern life.

[38:53] Mm hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Yeah.

[38:55] I wonder if it's also like he's Canadian.

[38:57] He deals with the Canadian health system.

[38:59] And maybe he doesn't know how hospitals work in the United States, where you wait forever

[39:03] and doctors make you take every test possible to drive the bills up.

[39:07] Mm hmm.

[39:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:09] Well, maybe like they went to this small hospital in the wilds of Long Island, I guess.

[39:15] Yeah.

[39:17] Like maybe they do things a little bit different out there.

[39:19] Who knows?

[39:20] At Pepperidge Farm Hospital.

[39:23] Just look at you.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] No need for fancy big city tests.

Stuart Wellington

[39:27] Uh, what?

[39:28] Instead of tongue depressors, we use Milano cookies.

[39:35] So, uh, so he, so they take him home and we have this bizarre dream.

[39:41] Well, before that, he, the shot go, they pull up to his house.

Elliott Kalan

[39:46] Oh, before they take him home, he has the dream.

[39:47] He has a dream of.

[39:48] Oh, okay.

[39:49] He has a dream of tearing apart their meat.

[39:51] And the doctor comes by to say like, hey, what's going on?

[39:55] And Frank D'Angelo, I think he's supposed to like, be like jolted awake and almost like

[39:58] he's about to attack the doctor.

[40:00] But instead he just kind of touches the doctor's shoulders and then is very apologetic about

[40:04] it.

[40:04] And then they send him home.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] And he, his buddies take him home.

[40:09] And then we have a scene where Frank D'Angelo is hanging out in his living room and we just

[40:13] hear Daryl Hannah's voice haranguing the friends.

[40:17] Like clearly she couldn't be on set that day.

[40:19] And they just had to ADR that, that, uh, the dialogue.

Elliott Kalan

[40:23] Uh, when he was bitten by a bat, she was bitten by an invisible man.

[40:26] That's also possible.

[40:28] And now she's invisible all day.

[40:28] That could be possible too.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] That's how it works.

[40:31] That's invisible man purism.

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] It's spread around.

[40:35] Yeah, invisible man purism.

[40:36] And the hard part is a vampire, you can see a vampire coming and run away.

[40:40] Yeah.

[40:40] You can't see an invisible man coming.

[40:41] You might just feel a bite on your arm and think it was like, oh, I guess I'm a big mosquito

[40:46] bit me.

[40:47] No, it's an invisible man.

[40:48] You're invisible now.

[40:49] Time to write your memoirs.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Thank you for getting there.

[40:53] I was like literally trying to think of an invisible man joke as you were speaking.

[40:59] And I appreciate it.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] But guys, the movie's been full of filler up till this point.

[41:04] It's time to get into the real hardcore plot because this is when, as in any movie about

[41:09] a mobster bitten by a vampire, you know what's going to happen.

[41:13] The mobster's daughter wants to go out and her mother doesn't want her to go out.

[41:18] But the dad's cool and he lets the daughter go out and gives her kind of a wink.

[41:21] Yeah, I love that he does.

[41:23] The best dad ever.

Stuart Wellington

[41:23] Yeah, I love that he even has to be like the cool dad.

[41:28] But how cool is he when he starts having what dreams of his daughter being harassed at the

[41:34] club?

[41:35] A club that looks, let's all agree, pretty fancy.

Elliott Kalan

[41:40] In a club that could only be described as the same room where they shut everything else

[41:44] but colored lights now, they dance to a Frank to Angelo song about wanting to live forever.

Stuart Wellington

[41:50] That's the second thing that comes up when you look up Sicilian vampire on Amazon is the

[41:56] single, I Want to Live Forever by Frank D'Angelo.

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] Do you guys remember how the song went?

Stuart Wellington

[42:02] No.

[42:03] I mean, he...

[42:04] Frank D'Angelo, who earlier had sung Just a Gigolo with like a really great Louis Prima

[42:10] type voice, kind of adopts this like airy, almost ethereal quality in I Want to Live Forever.

Elliott Kalan

[42:18] It's Gossamer.

[42:20] I'd call it Gossamer.

[42:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:21] He's the man of a thousand voices.

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] It's a very Dan Party USA type club.

Stuart Wellington

[42:26] I think Man with a Thousand Voices is...

[42:28] I think that's copywritten Dan, right?

[42:31] Is it?

[42:32] Yeah.

[42:32] It's copywritten Elliot Kalin.

[42:33] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] All the voices from this one.

[42:36] Hey guys.

[42:37] To this one.

[42:38] Hey guys.

[42:39] Wow.

[42:39] Cool.

[42:40] I run the gamut.

[42:41] From this voice.

[42:42] Hello chums.

[42:44] To this voice.

[42:45] G'day mate.

[42:46] Oh wow.

Dan McCoy

[42:46] Elliot, did a bunch of people walk into the room with you right now?

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] Oh, I know you'd think that, but no, it's just me.

[42:52] Oh, but what about this guy?

[42:53] Oh, well, hello.

[42:55] I'm another person.

[42:56] No, just kidding.

[42:57] I'm just Elliot doing a voice.

Stuart Wellington

[42:59] Oh wow.

[42:59] Is that not like a stock casting office in Elliot's apartment?

Elliott Kalan

[43:04] I've had to start doing casting.

[43:06] The writing work is just not coming my way.

[43:08] Sure.

[43:08] I'm a casting agent now.

Dan McCoy

[43:10] I like the idea that somehow you have one of those character headshots that show you

[43:16] in a bunch of different roles, but somehow it's just like voices.

[43:20] Like you've somehow figured out a way to.

Elliott Kalan

[43:23] It says voice only.

[43:24] Yeah.

[43:24] Voice only.

[43:25] Voice only.

Stuart Wellington

[43:26] Yeah.

[43:26] There has got to be either in real life or a movie where somebody like an actor who's

[43:33] down on his luck and can't get a role starts a casting agency and then just keeps submitting

[43:38] himself to everything.

Elliott Kalan

[43:39] Oh yeah.

[43:41] That's a good idea.

[43:42] Stuart, you got to write that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[43:43] Okay.

[43:44] I'll get right on it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:46] You know, you call it cast of character.

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] Oh, I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[43:51] Makes you think.

[43:52] Or call it podcast because the guy's name is Sammy Pod.

Dan McCoy

[43:56] Uh huh.

[43:56] All right.

[43:57] We're running so long, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[43:59] Sorry.

[43:59] Okay.

[43:59] Frank has a dream that his daughter is being harassed at this club and suddenly his nails

[44:05] grow sharp and he wakes up with fangs.

[44:07] The funniest fangs you've ever seen.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] I cannot.

[44:10] Describe the fangs for us.

[44:11] I like it.

[44:12] I mean, they look just like, like slightly sharper canine teeth that are just like poking

[44:18] a little bit under his lip.

[44:20] Like they're not like long, like elegant fangs.

[44:23] They're just like, I don't know.

[44:25] His like upper lip is kind of bumpy where you can see the thing being inserted into his

[44:30] mouth.

[44:30] The mouthpiece.

Elliott Kalan

[44:31] They're not, they're not threatening fangs.

[44:33] They're like, you need to go get braces.

Dan McCoy

[44:35] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[44:36] He, yeah.

[44:37] Like you need to cap those.

Stuart Wellington

[44:38] Yeah.

[44:38] So he, he opens his eyes and his eyes are, his pupils are bright red and you're like, oh

[44:43] shit, things are going down.

[44:45] And then he like kind of smiles and you see the whisper of fangs underneath his mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[44:50] And you're like, just a hint of fangs.

Stuart Wellington

[44:53] And you're like, okay, vampires can be funny too.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] It has.

[44:57] Okay.

[44:57] Those fangs are, we'll get later to the funniest prop in the entire movie.

[45:03] Uh, the funniest, which is another body part that shows up.

[45:07] But, uh, let's just actually, I'll just say it guys.

[45:11] In case you, in case the listener, listener, if you're like, this is too long, I don't want

[45:14] to hear anymore.

[45:15] Later on, just know that there's a pair of, there's a fake scrotum prop that appears later.

[45:20] We'll get to that.

[45:21] Anyway, uh, Frank D'Angelo, we see a lot of overhead shots of New York and Frank, his hazy

[45:27] POV is in the club.

[45:28] He's there.

[45:28] Did he teleport there or did he drive his car into Manhattan at night?

[45:32] Because I kind of like the idea of a vampire just driving his car through the tunnel or across

[45:36] a bridge.

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] Yeah.

[45:37] Not assuming the form of a wolf or a mist.

[45:40] Instead, he assumes the form of a guy just driving.

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] He assumes the, assumes the form of a commuting worried dad.

[45:48] Yeah.

[45:48] Uh, and he goes into the club and starts beating up the guys who were hitting on his daughter.

[45:54] And she goes, stop it.

[45:55] You're embarrassing me.

[45:56] But she's, you can see she's glad that he was there.

[45:58] She smiles at him.

[45:59] He's a good dad.

[45:59] They get home.

[46:01] Carmelina's mad.

[46:01] What's her daughter doing outside?

[46:03] Uh, and Frank goes, Hey, you don't know.

[46:05] We just, uh, we just went out for a bite.

[46:08] Every, the whole movie, Frank's constantly talking about going out to get something to eat or

[46:11] sending people to get things to eat, which I guess is his idea of what being Sicilian is

[46:15] like, that everyone's always constantly thinking about food or going to get food.

[46:20] Uh, and then Frank, he puts on, on the record player, the song that they first danced to,

[46:26] or they, had they met during.

[46:28] It's some song that has romantic significance for them.

[46:31] And they dance together and mumble each other sweet nothings that you can't really understand

[46:35] because of the audio recording.

Stuart Wellington

[46:37] Now, is that song another Frank D'Angelo song?

[46:39] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] Uh, I don't remember either.

[46:42] I don't think it is, but it probably is.

[46:45] He does all the music.

[46:46] It probably is.

[46:47] Okay.

[46:47] Once again, Frank wakes up in bed.

[46:49] We see a shot of a mouse that runs around and seems to make a fart noise.

[46:53] We zoom up the stairs.

[46:55] Frank looks confused.

[46:56] Now it's Sunday.

[46:57] He's driving his family to church and they talk about where to get the best for Zoli.

[47:02] And they're like, Daryl Hannah is always talking about Italian food in this.

[47:05] She's either disapproving of something or talking about Italian food.

[47:08] And this scene goes on forever.

[47:11] And it really captures the feeling.

[47:14] I mean, this is good filmmaking.

[47:15] It captures that feeling of sitting in the backseat of a friend's car while the friend's

[47:20] parents are up in up front talking about something.

[47:22] And you're not really listening or paying attention and you can't hear all of it and you don't

[47:26] really care.

[47:27] That's what it feels.

Stuart Wellington

[47:27] And it feels like you keep driving past the same thing over and over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] Yeah.

[47:33] It's like the live action equivalent of a Hanna-Barbera chase.

[47:36] Yeah.

[47:36] You just see the same door and window pass by because they're cycling the backgrounds.

[47:40] That's this movie.

[47:41] They're just driving around the block having a pretty boring conversation while even the

[47:47] movie is not fully invested in it or interested in what's going on.

Dan McCoy

[47:49] I'd like to point out, by this point in the movie, there is no conflict.

[47:53] Other than the fact that Frank D'Angelo is turned into a vampire, which he seems kind

[47:57] of okay with, there's no conflict in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[48:00] It takes a long time for Frank to wake up to the fact that he's a vampire.

[48:04] But it doesn't help when, okay, every Sunday they go to church and they visit Frank's parents'

[48:08] graves.

[48:09] They get out of the church and the minute Frank steps on the ground, smoke starts rising

[48:13] out of his feet.

[48:14] Because he's a vampire.

[48:15] Vampires can't be around churches.

[48:16] They're too holy.

[48:18] He immediately tells his family, I'm hungry.

[48:20] I'm going to go get something to eat.

[48:22] You go to church for me.

[48:24] And he knows that.

[48:25] And his wife buys it because she's obsessed with food too.

[48:29] Cut to, and this might be my favorite.

[48:32] No, I can't even say it.

[48:33] There's too many favorite parts of the movie.

[48:34] This is one of my favorite parts.

[48:36] You cut to an Italian restaurant.

[48:38] There's doo-wop music playing in the back.

[48:40] Doo-doo-ba-doo-doo-boo-wa.

[48:42] Everyone in the restaurant is having a great time.

[48:44] It's just this stupidly long montage of people having a great time at a restaurant.

[48:48] And Frank's not there.

[48:50] So you're like, wait a minute.

[48:52] Did this turn into a commercial for a restaurant in the middle of the movie?

[48:55] And then we cut away from the restaurant.

[48:57] Frank's in the cemetery at his parents' grave.

[48:59] So like, did the movie get faked out by Frank?

[49:03] Frank said, I'm going to get something to eat.

[49:05] The movie was like, oh, I'll go meet you there.

[49:07] And then the movie was wandering around the restaurant looking for Frank.

[49:10] Like, hey, where is he?

[49:11] He was supposed to meet me at the restaurant.

[49:14] Like, the star of the movie who directed and wrote it stood up his movie.

[49:18] Yeah.

[49:19] And then it's like the movie was like, okay, I'll go to the cemetery and see if he's there.

[49:24] Oh, okay, he's there.

Dan McCoy

[49:25] Like, I cannot tell you how nonsensical it is to just watch people eating at a...

Elliott Kalan

[49:30] It's like an Olive Garden commercial with no narration.

[49:32] And then you're out of it.

[49:33] You're gone.

[49:34] All of a sudden.

[49:36] Oh, man.

[49:37] He goes to his parents' grave and a ghostly voice says something to him that I couldn't

[49:41] understand.

[49:41] And he runs away.

[49:42] It might have been an Italian.

[49:43] And here's something I want to mention here.

[49:45] This is something we haven't brought up, but it became increasingly apparent to me throughout

[49:48] the movie.

[49:49] That as the movie goes on, more and more of the film is in Italian with no subtitles.

[49:54] Characters just start speaking Italian to each other.

[49:56] Because they're Sicilian monsters.

[49:57] And it felt like when you're using an immersive language tool for learning a language.

[50:02] And it's like, you're going to start reading this book.

[50:05] And there'll be a few scattered Spanish words here and there.

[50:08] And there'll be more and more with each chapter until by the end, you're reading chapters that

[50:11] are all in Spanish.

[50:13] That's what this movie felt like.

[50:14] By the end, whole conversations are going on in Italian with no subtitles.

[50:18] And I was like, I don't even know.

[50:20] Now it's a silent film, essentially.

[50:23] And I'm just reading gestures and expressions.

[50:25] You guys are both Italian.

[50:27] How did you feel about it?

Stuart Wellington

[50:28] Yeah, I mean, I was building it all off of context clues.

Dan McCoy

[50:32] I literally did not notice that this was happening.

[50:35] So maybe it was the audio in the background overwhelming the thing.

[50:39] And I'm just like, oh, okay.

[50:40] I just don't understand this anymore.

[50:42] It's the same as it's been in the rest of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[50:44] It was not even the language that you spoke.

[50:46] That's how crazy that audio mix is.

[50:48] I didn't even know they were speaking another language.

[50:50] Yeah.

[50:50] So we go back to the Duop restaurant.

[50:54] Frank and his crew are finally there.

[50:55] And they're meeting Robert Davi, who seems to be some kind of respectful.

Stuart Wellington

[50:58] He's like the boss, right?

[51:00] Yeah, I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[51:02] The filmmakers take a while to make sure we know who at the table is drinking wine and

[51:06] who is not drinking wine.

[51:07] They all talk about their drink orders for a while.

[51:11] Guess what?

[51:12] Time for them all to tell some more jokes and have their little sub-Tarantino monologues

[51:17] about stuff.

[51:18] Frank gets a phone call.

[51:19] It makes him very unhappy.

[51:20] And then goes into a long speech about how they have business.

[51:24] They have the linens contract for every hotel in Manhattan.

[51:26] But I want to sell that contract and buy real estate because that's where the real money

[51:30] is.

[51:30] And Davi says, as long as you're making a profit, don't sell that contract.

[51:34] Don't sell it.

[51:34] And Frank's like, but I want to invest that money.

[51:36] And then he turns and starts insulting his Weasley friend with the glasses.

[51:40] And it's like, hey guys, do you remember this linens contract coming up at any other point

[51:45] in the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[51:46] I mean, this is a movie that does introduce conflict that you did not know was there very suddenly.

[51:53] And then it is immediately resolved.

[51:55] Yeah.

[51:55] As we will see later on with those testicles.

Dan McCoy

[51:58] The film feels, it feels like the movie was a stream of consciousness writing exercise where

[52:03] it's just like, I'll just keep writing whatever comes into my head.

[52:07] You know, like it'll just, it'll all work out in the end, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[52:10] And I was kind of like a Mike Lee movie where everything's built off of improvisation.

[52:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] And then not edited at all.

[52:17] No, of course not.

Stuart Wellington

[52:18] Yeah.

[52:19] You want to get the whole performance on screen.

Elliott Kalan

[52:21] It does feel like a screenplay that was written in one draft in one sitting.

[52:26] And like that he would just get distracted and start writing other things.

[52:29] I'll tell you, there's only one writer who could really get away with stopping the story,

[52:33] starting another story, and then getting away from that and going back.

[52:36] You know who that man was?

[52:38] Miguel de Cervantes.

Stuart Wellington

[52:42] Yeah.

[52:43] I mean, they're about the same level of skill and lasting impact.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] So I'd say Frank D'Angelo and Miguel de Cervantes were kind of going for the same sort of thing.

[52:52] Only one helped create world literature, and the other is the owner of Cheetah Energy Drink.

[52:57] Okay.

[52:58] While Paul Sorvino shows up, rival Mob Vos.

[53:01] He takes Frank's wine.

[53:02] Robert Avi tries to smooth it all over.

[53:04] Tempers flare in furious Italian.

[53:07] And everybody calms everybody else down.

[53:10] Frank refuses to take a deep breath and calm down.

[53:13] And Daniel Baldwin's mad because he's like, hey, let me, let me at him.

[53:16] I'll take him down.

[53:17] Let me at him.

[53:17] I'll take him down.

[53:18] And Paul Sorvino's like, no, I can get under his skin.

[53:20] That means I can control him.

[53:21] And then that's over.

[53:24] Now, I made a note here.

[53:25] 58 minutes in, too much Sicilian, not enough vampire.

[53:29] That might be the slogan for the movie.

[53:32] Frank gets a phone call from a voice that says it's his father.

[53:35] But his father's dead.

[53:35] We saw him at his grave.

[53:37] And it says, like, soon we'll be together.

[53:40] And Frank speaks in Italian into the phone, even though the dad's voice is always in English.

[53:44] I didn't quite understand that choice.

[53:47] But Frank is clearly shaken.

[53:49] And the glasses guy is like, hey, Frank's cracking up.

[53:51] And everybody's like, hey, oh, don't say that.

[53:54] Oh, okay.

[53:54] Come on.

[53:55] Oh.

[53:58] Frank Santino, he has a nightmare that he bites his wife and his daughter's necks.

[54:02] Don't worry.

[54:02] Turns out to be just a nightmare.

Stuart Wellington

[54:04] I know you guys, if you were hoping for more vampire stuff, but the movie's like, no, no, no.

[54:09] That's just a dream.

Elliott Kalan

[54:13] It's like a coy mistress who takes off a glove and then hands it to you.

[54:19] Or like, it's like the movie, part of me, I was like, oh, is the plot happening?

[54:24] And the movie was like, no, no, don't worry.

[54:26] Don't worry.

[54:26] You can go back to sleep.

[54:27] There's no plot here.

[54:28] He's just having a dream about it.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] Speaking of introducing conflict, isn't it soon after this that they're at the nightclub and they introduce the concept that Frank and all of his buddies have like a group of gumata, like mistresses, that is causing problems.

Elliott Kalan

[54:43] That's coming up.

[54:44] We'll get to that.

Dan McCoy

[54:45] Because first he has to meet the star of the movie, James Caan.

[54:48] Biggest name in the cast.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] He's in like three scenes.

Dan McCoy

[54:52] Sorry, I just remember James Caan in this movie.

[54:56] This movie slid off my brain.

Elliott Kalan

[54:59] James Caan's performance is genuinely hilarious.

[55:01] Yeah.

[55:02] And James Caan is a scientist who's like, here I am at my institute.

[55:07] Frank, your family funded my research.

[55:08] I'll do anything for you.

[55:10] They're clearly in a hotel lobby or like a lobby of an apartment building.

[55:14] Or a bank.

[55:15] Or a bank.

[55:16] It's supposed to be a huge research institute.

[55:18] There's a pointless scene of them talking in the elevator about how many elevators there are on the different sides of the building.

[55:27] And it does feel like he's like, we got James Caan.

[55:29] Let's just shoot everything we can get.

[55:31] And they're like, okay, let's improv a scene.

[55:33] Well, we're in an elevator.

[55:34] I guess we'll talk about that.

[55:36] They go to James Caan's office, which is hilarious.

[55:38] It's all like dark wood and dimly lit.

[55:41] It's like a smoking lounge.

[55:42] But he also has skeletons and skulls everywhere.

[55:46] And it's like Vivaldi music is playing in the background.

[55:49] Like, it's a little bit like if they went to the Big Lebowski's, like that room with the fireplace from the Big Lebowski where he's getting really sad.

[55:58] And they decided, well, we'll make this look like a doctor's office.

[56:01] That's fine.

[56:01] We'll just throw a skull in there and a skeleton.

[56:03] It turns out James Caan is a doctor.

[56:07] He's a physician.

[56:09] But he's also an expert in mythology.

[56:11] He has a PhD in it.

[56:12] And Frank tells him the entire plot of the movie up to that point as if we didn't see it.

[56:18] And even James Caan's doctor talks like a mafioso.

[56:22] He's like, well, you know, okay.

[56:24] We'll go.

[56:24] We'll take a look.

[56:25] We'll take some tests.

[56:26] We'll do tests.

[56:27] We'll test you.

[56:28] We'll test you.

[56:29] And he calls, he refers to blood as the Google of the human body.

[56:34] Oh, yes.

[56:35] Because it tells you everything.

[56:36] Oh, yes.

[56:37] He does do that.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] That is a thing that happens.

[56:40] And he's like, and mucus is the Bing of the human body.

Elliott Kalan

[56:43] He's useless.

[56:44] And you're like, why is this there?

[56:45] Why would anyone use this?

[56:47] Uh-huh.

[56:48] Now, it goes without saying that the genitals are the porn hub of the human body.

[56:52] Yeah.

[56:52] It's not much of an analogy.

[56:56] And, of course, the rectum is the Breitbart of the human body.

Dan McCoy

[57:00] Oh.

[57:01] Trench it.

Elliott Kalan

[57:02] Zoom, zoom, zoom.

[57:03] Zing, zing, zing.

[57:04] Now, Dan and Stuart, what would be the nose of the body in the internet?

[57:08] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[57:09] Let's see.

[57:09] Oh, man.

[57:09] It's a good way to know if something is terrible before you experience.

[57:14] It's got to be Rotten Tomatoes.

[57:16] Yeah, that's great.

[57:17] Ruining movies.

[57:18] The nose of the body.

[57:19] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] But what would Huffington Post be?

Dan McCoy

[57:22] Like the nipples?

[57:23] That's the vestigial third nipple.

[57:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[57:28] And Facebook is the navel of the movie because people are of the body.

[57:33] People are always gazing into it.

Stuart Wellington

[57:34] Yeah.

[57:35] Oh, I've heard that before.

[57:38] And because it's a name of oranges.

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] And now eyes are the windows to the soul.

[57:48] So the eyes are the windows operating system that you're running your web browser on.

Stuart Wellington

[57:52] Oh, man.

[57:53] You know, we're doing a really great job of bringing down the human body into computer shit,

[57:57] guys.

Dan McCoy

[57:57] It's not us.

[57:58] It's James Caan.

[57:59] James Caan showed us the way.

Elliott Kalan

[58:01] Oh, yeah.

[58:01] He's brilliant that way.

[58:03] Anyway, he gives them a blood test, which takes forever.

[58:07] And they're like, that's all you need, right?

[58:10] Three vials?

[58:11] No, no, no.

[58:11] Four vials.

[58:12] And there's a lot of suspenseful music as if we're worried the blood test is going to go

[58:15] wrong somehow.

[58:17] Now, this was a movie where opening a box of bananas went horribly wrong.

[58:20] So I guess it's possible a blood test could go wrong.

[58:23] But it doesn't.

Stuart Wellington

[58:25] Yeah, nothing happens.

[58:27] Much like a lot of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[58:30] We go back to dinner with Robert Davi.

[58:32] They swap jokes some more.

[58:34] Same jokes we heard earlier get told again.

[58:36] But then they overheat the guy with glasses.

[58:39] He's calling in a hit on his cell phone.

[58:41] And he does this by stepping over to the next table about a foot over.

[58:44] He's like, yeah, he's going to be at the jazz club tonight.

[58:47] I want him dead.

[58:48] I want him dead.

[58:48] And it's very clear he's talking about his boss who is sitting right over by him.

[58:53] But he didn't decide to even go to another room to talk about this.

Stuart Wellington

[58:57] Yeah, maybe in the script it said that he steps out of the restaurant.

[59:02] They're like, we can't shoot this outside.

[59:04] It has to stay in the restaurant.

Elliott Kalan

[59:06] We don't have a permit for exteriors for this part.

[59:11] Dr. James Caan stops by, says that Frank's blood is getting younger,

[59:14] and now Frank's going to live forever.

[59:17] Frank's dad calls him again, says they're going to take care of their family, etc.

[59:21] There's lots of unsubtitled Italian.

Stuart Wellington

[59:23] And James Caan's like, you're going to live forever.

[59:25] Make me one of those.

[59:26] Make me a vampire, please.

[59:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:28] It's so funny.

[59:29] James Caan is like, I did up some mythology reading, too.

[59:32] And it looks like, you know, you might be like a vampire now who has to live from human blood.

[59:36] So maybe when this is all over, you can give me a little bite.

Dan McCoy

[59:40] Yeah.

[59:40] He's still like James Caan.

[59:43] He's still doing all his James Caan mannerisms, but he's also kind of a little pathetic.

Elliott Kalan

[59:47] He's just like, if you could just toss me a little nibble, a little nibble on the neck.

[59:53] A little chew.

[59:54] It turns into a curb your enthusiasm scene.

[59:56] Yeah.

[59:57] Maybe not a nibble.

[59:58] Maybe not a chew.

[59:59] Maybe just a nibble.

[1:00:00] Maybe just a peck.

[1:00:01] And it still feels a little bit like a classic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:04] It feels like a classic Frank D'Angelo move to be like, I got James Caan in here.

[1:00:08] He wants me to do something for him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:12] He wants me.

[1:00:13] He wants something I've got.

[1:00:14] He wants to be like me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:17] It seems like he spent a lot of money to get a star of The Godfather to be on film asking him to bite him.

[1:00:24] It seems like that's the whole end game of it.

[1:00:28] And then Frank goes home and is brooding.

[1:00:31] Dr. James Caan calls him to check in.

[1:00:33] Turns out, I'm actually sitting in my car in front of your house.

[1:00:36] Maybe you could invite me now.

[1:00:39] Maybe I could just come in and give me a little nip.

[1:00:41] Maybe just a little bite.

[1:00:43] Oh, that's great.

[1:00:43] Make me live forever.

[1:00:44] I want to be young forever.

[1:00:45] And James Caan is so funny.

[1:00:48] He's so pathetic.

[1:00:51] It's like James Caan is hitting on Frank D'Angelo.

[1:00:53] And Frank cannot find enough ways to say no.

[1:00:56] Yeah.

[1:00:56] Does not want to go out with him.

[1:00:57] Oh, so funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:00] Oh, man.

[1:01:00] I love it.

[1:01:01] I love that like, and they made no effort to make Frank D'Angelo look different than when he was not a vampire.

[1:01:08] They're like, why mess with perfection?

[1:01:10] We can't make him look any more young, beautiful, and powerful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:15] No, you can't do it.

[1:01:17] There's no, you're going to put lipstick on the Mona Lisa.

[1:01:19] It's perfection.

[1:01:19] Forget about it.

[1:01:22] Frank has another day drink.

[1:01:24] And then I think his wife starts suspecting that he's having an affair.

[1:01:27] She seems suspicious.

[1:01:29] And we cut to Daniel Baldwin having sex in the bathroom with a woman we've never seen before, but who apparently is an informant for him with Frank D'Angelo.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:37] And this is a sex scene that is, let's say, awkwardly realistic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:42] It's like awkwardly, aggressively hostile.

[1:01:45] And luckily, Daniel Baldwin's underpants are on the entire, this is one of those standing up at the counter of a bathroom sink in a public place.

[1:01:53] Sex scenes.

[1:01:54] And Daniel Baldwin's bodyguard is literally stationed at the door to make sure nobody walks in.

[1:01:58] Yeah, and to hear all the yummy sounds.

[1:02:02] And also hear Daniel Baldwin being like, you're going to tell me where Frank is, right?

[1:02:05] Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you everything that happens.

[1:02:07] And it's like, or Sonny.

[1:02:09] They always call him Sonny.

[1:02:10] And it's, I guess Daniel Baldwin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:12] Yeah, it doesn't call him the actor's name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] Good point.

[1:02:17] Good point.

[1:02:18] That Daniel Baldwin's just such a good lover that he's got this woman wrapped around his finger.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:22] I mean, he does have a little goatee.

[1:02:23] That makes sense.

[1:02:24] Yeah.

[1:02:25] Because he's a nasty boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:28] He's one of Mr. Sinister's nasty boys.

[1:02:32] Cut to, finally, the Jazz Club.

[1:02:35] Frank's there.

[1:02:36] People are having a great time.

[1:02:38] Frank, Sonny, he's not having a great time.

[1:02:39] He says he's tired.

[1:02:40] At this point, he's so mumbly that the closed captioning, which I had put on at this point to help me figure out, is wrong.

[1:02:49] Everyone's like, oh, he's a powerful person.

[1:02:51] And the borough president comes over, but instead the caption said, borough prison.

[1:02:56] It was like, come on.

[1:02:57] When you're so mumbly, the captions can't understand you.

[1:03:00] That's a problem.

[1:03:02] They say, hey, you know what would cheer you up?

[1:03:04] Sing a song.

[1:03:05] You know how we always used to sing?

[1:03:06] Let's sing a song.

[1:03:07] He's like, nah, nah, I can't do it.

[1:03:08] And they make him do it.

[1:03:09] It does not take a lot of pushing.

[1:03:11] But the whole walk up to the stage, he's like, I can't believe you fucking guys make me do this fucking thing.

[1:03:15] You run my life.

[1:03:15] There's nothing.

[1:03:16] You know, you just, you're bullying me around.

[1:03:17] I don't know.

[1:03:18] Glasses guy, the Weasley guy, does not get to sing.

[1:03:21] Shout him down when he tries to walk to the stage.

[1:03:23] And now, this is what you wanted to hear the whole time.

[1:03:26] You know that recording of I'm Just a Gigolo that they were listening to the car earlier?

[1:03:30] Yeah.

[1:03:31] Hey, didn't you want to see Frank D'Angelo lip syncing to that with the other guys as his backup singers?

[1:03:37] I know you did.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:38] I would only like to see that if they play the entire song.

[1:03:42] Like it's planned to be a music video or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:45] Yep.

[1:03:46] It's the whole song.

[1:03:48] And the lip syncing is beautifully bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:51] I like watching Armand Asante in the back whenever he's supposed to come on with,

[1:03:55] Gigolo.

[1:03:56] And he's clearly way off.

[1:03:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:01] And the sound of it, it sounds like they're lip syncing to a track that's playing in another building.

[1:04:06] It's so unreal and fakey.

[1:04:08] But you do get to hear the entire song.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] And people are fucking loving it.

[1:04:11] People are going apeshit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:12] They are eating it up.

[1:04:14] This is the greatest thing.

[1:04:15] If Louis Prima walked in and was like, hey, let me get on the net, they would boo him away.

[1:04:20] They would throw tomatoes at him until he left because they don't want him soiling his own song when Frank D'Angelo could be singing it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:26] And I love the acting choices by the guy with the glasses, the Weasley guy, because at this point we know he has called in a hit against his boss, maybe friend, maybe mentor.

[1:04:39] And he makes no, he acts completely normal.

[1:04:44] He wants to go up and sing with everybody on stage.

[1:04:47] They don't have him like kind of wrestling with himself or struggling with that, like a shitty movie, like The Departed.

[1:04:54] This is like, he's just that into it.

[1:04:57] You know what I mean?

[1:04:57] Like, that's the mafia life.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:01] Hey, if you're a mafioso, you're calling in hits, you're singing I'm Just a Gigolo in front of packed crowds, and you tell jokes to each other.

[1:05:10] It's all about having fun and laughing.

[1:05:11] That's what the mafia is all about.

[1:05:13] But then, that's when the Gumars show up.

[1:05:15] Uh-oh.

[1:05:17] That's right, because it's Monday night, I guess, or it's Sunday night.

[1:05:20] Is Sunday night usually the Gumar night?

[1:05:22] It doesn't make any sense to me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:24] Didn't he go to church earlier that day?

[1:05:26] Yeah, yeah.

[1:05:27] Well, you leave your family at home to watch Thrones or Westworld or whatever the fuck.

[1:05:31] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:32] And you go out.

[1:05:33] He always did it the same way.

[1:05:34] Saturday night was for the wives.

[1:05:36] Sunday night was for the Gumars because the wives were at home watching Last Week Tonight.

[1:05:40] Because God's busy and he's not watching you.

[1:05:43] The wives were watching Family Guy.

[1:05:46] And Santo, one of them is the girl Daniel Baldwin was having sex with.

[1:05:51] And Sonny gets a premonition of that moment.

[1:05:53] And I have to imagine that was awkward for him to suddenly get a flashback of somebody else that he doesn't like having sex loudly in a bathroom.

[1:06:02] Let's think about it, guys.

[1:06:03] I would not suddenly want the image of someone I don't like having sex loudly in a bathroom thrust into my head.

[1:06:08] Vampire or no.

[1:06:08] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:06:09] That would be difficult to deal with.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:10] That's the curse of vampirism right there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:13] And Santo says, hey, leave for a second.

[1:06:15] Leave for a second.

[1:06:16] He goes, guys, we love our wives, don't we?

[1:06:19] Don't you love your wife?

[1:06:20] Don't you love your wife?

[1:06:21] So why are we doing this?

[1:06:22] And the implication is that becoming a vampire has made him a better person.

[1:06:26] That, like, now everything's a person.

[1:06:28] Look, guys, I have to drink blood for a living.

[1:06:30] It's put a lot of things in perspective.

[1:06:32] Why are we cheating on our wives regularly?

[1:06:34] And so they all very seriously.

[1:06:37] And the glasses guy goes, Sonny, you're like the whore master of the world.

[1:06:41] That's the phrase he uses.

[1:06:42] Wait, what?

[1:06:42] And they get mad at him and they throw him out.

[1:06:44] And he throws everybody out.

[1:06:47] He tells the maitre d', I want everybody out of the restaurant.

[1:06:50] And everybody in the restaurant obliges him and leaves so he can be alone.

[1:06:54] It is crazy.

[1:06:56] And he does that so that each of them can break up with their mistresses in what seemed to be surprisingly

[1:07:01] heartfelt scenes.

[1:07:02] Armand Asante is really having trouble with the fact that he has to break up with his long-time mistress.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:07] Yeah, I mean, you develop a relationship.

[1:07:09] It's almost like the new family, they say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:13] And Santo gives his now ex-mistress $5,000 in cash to say goodbye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:19] Oh, that's a nice severance package.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:23] I mean, she's not getting dental anymore.

[1:07:26] That's the problem.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:26] It's not exactly a golden pair.

[1:07:28] Well, he's like, this should cover the Cobra payments for the next couple months.

[1:07:33] And you've got to find your own plan.

[1:07:36] Uh-oh.

[1:07:36] Everyone's out of the club.

[1:07:37] Waiters are just hustling everyone out.

[1:07:39] And everyone out is very understanding that Santino needs his own space.

[1:07:43] But that's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:43] And they're like, I guess we'll clean up tomorrow?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:48] Yeah.

[1:07:49] Like, the staff leaves.

[1:07:51] Eric Roberts walks in with his partner as everyone's walking out.

[1:07:54] And you see Santino sitting by himself.

[1:07:56] They're, I guess, about to arrest him.

[1:07:58] And then Eric Roberts goes, wait, let's see how this plays out.

[1:08:00] And they leave.

[1:08:02] Because it's like Achilles brooding in his tent.

[1:08:07] Like, everyone needs to give Santino his time.

[1:08:10] Because he's a larger-than-life hero, you know?

[1:08:12] He's someone who, he's on an Olympian level.

[1:08:14] They just can't understand the depth of the emotions that he's feeling.

[1:08:19] And like Marlena Dietrich, or rather, more correctly, Greta Garbo, he wants to be alone.

[1:08:26] I corrected myself in reverence.

[1:08:29] It was not Marlena Dietrich at all.

[1:08:31] But then Daniel Baldwin walks in, shoots Frank, blood spurts out of him.

[1:08:35] Shoots him in the head.

[1:08:36] Paul Sorvino comes in.

[1:08:38] Oh, no, and he tells Paul Sorvino, Santo is dead.

[1:08:41] And then almost immediately, they leave.

[1:08:43] And then almost immediately, Frank just sits right back up again.

[1:08:45] And Eric Roberts watches Santino walk out of the restaurant.

[1:08:49] He goes, that bitch doesn't know how to die.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:52] Face closed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:55] And the, I'm trying to think.

[1:09:00] The rat is, oh, so he immediately shows back up to his boys.

[1:09:05] Sorvino calls up Armando Santé and goes, you work for me now.

[1:09:08] And then Frank shows right up and they go, we heard you were dead.

[1:09:11] Uh-oh, Glasses Guy must have been a traitor.

[1:09:13] And the fact that they heard Glasses Guy calling in a hit on their boss right next to their table earlier in the movie, that was not the clue they needed.

[1:09:20] The clue was, who's not here to take care of the body?

[1:09:23] Glasses Guy.

[1:09:24] Frank said, they go, we got to take these guys down.

[1:09:26] And Frank says, I got to do this myself.

[1:09:28] They have a conversation that is about three times as long as it needs to be.

[1:09:31] But they keep offering their help and talking about how they're all family.

[1:09:34] They love each other.

[1:09:35] And he says, no, I got to do this myself.

[1:09:36] He kisses everybody on the cheek multiple times.

[1:09:39] And again, Armando Santé is having a very difficult emotional time letting Frank go and handle this business on his own.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:45] Yeah, because, I mean, at this point, we're to assume that he is going to his almost certain death.

[1:09:51] I mean, granted, getting shot in the face did not kill him.

[1:09:54] But maybe these guys know a way.

[1:09:57] Like, maybe there's a chance somebody's going to, I don't know, cut off his head and bury them separately in two different graveyards.

[1:10:04] I don't know the mythology here.

[1:10:05] Crossroads.

[1:10:06] Yeah.

[1:10:07] Maybe stake him with a banana.

[1:10:09] Maybe that's how you do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:10] Maybe they're all going to hide behind a river because vampires can't cross running water.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:14] Sprinkle rice on the ground so he is stuck counting every single grain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:20] And the other vampire things.

[1:10:21] I mean, here's the thing.

[1:10:23] He should have known he was a vampire when he couldn't walk into his own Italian restaurant because of all the garlic there.

[1:10:28] He is somehow a vampire who has no problem with garlic because he's constantly eating Italian food.

[1:10:34] Or sunlight.

[1:10:34] Yeah, he likes the sun.

[1:10:36] Yeah.

[1:10:36] Oh, also, in another sense, the sun never hurts him.

[1:10:39] That, too.

[1:10:40] He's a vampire.

[1:10:40] Well, maybe he just sparkles in the sun like a twilight vampire.

[1:10:44] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:10:45] And they forgot to put the effects in.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:47] I mean, he's clearly as sexy as a twilight vampire.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:49] Uh, so what order?

[1:10:51] What order does he kill these guys in?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:53] Well, let there's a scene before that, too.

[1:10:55] I'll say two things.

[1:10:56] One, Armando Sante is not giving a terrible performance in this movie.

[1:10:59] Although James Caan is my favorite performance.

[1:11:02] He's hilarious.

[1:11:03] But first we see Paul Sorvino paying off Glass's weasel guy, calls him a rat and a hump cocksucker, and says, I don't want rats around.

[1:11:12] I hated that guy, but you're a rat.

[1:11:14] Kicks him out.

[1:11:14] So now the order.

[1:11:16] First, Santo kills Daniel Baldwin's bodyguard by slashing his throat with a fingernail.

[1:11:21] And the guy goes, didn't we just kill you?

[1:11:23] And he slashes his throat and he goes, no, I just killed you.

[1:11:25] That's the wittiest thing that gets said in the entire movie.

[1:11:28] And then he rips out Daniel Baldwin's heart and he goes, huh, I didn't think you had one of these.

[1:11:33] Holding this really fake heart prop.

[1:11:34] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:34] Holding a fake heart prop with a bloodless hand.

[1:11:39] Like there's no blood on his hand.

[1:11:40] Like he fucking phased into the body.

[1:11:43] Took the heart and phased out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:46] He then goes to the strip club.

[1:11:48] It's deserted.

[1:11:49] Paul Sorvino is eating alone, wearing his hat, but shirtless.

[1:11:52] Still eating a steak.

[1:11:54] He goes, I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you to death with it.

[1:11:58] Which he does.

[1:11:58] It takes like three hits with the fleshy, bloody end of an arm to beat a man's head in.

[1:12:03] It doesn't.

[1:12:04] This arm must be made out of titanium.

[1:12:06] Maybe it's that gold hand that Jamie Lannister has.

[1:12:09] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:10] Or maybe that Paul Sorvino's love of steak has allowed his skull to become softer than a normal person's skull.

[1:12:18] I mean, it might explain why the arm was ripped out of the body so easily.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:23] I mean, he rips it out with the ease of someone ripping a wet Kleenex.

[1:12:26] Like it just falls apart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:28] He has some kind of calcium deficiency.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:31] Like, you know, sometimes there's no paper towels in a public bathroom and you have to try to use toilet paper to wipe your hands off after you wash them.

[1:12:38] The toilet paper just falls apart in your hands.

[1:12:41] That's Paul Sorvino's arm and head in this scene.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:43] No, I usually, what I do in that situation, because I'm like, I don't want to use this toilet paper.

[1:12:48] So I just pull my undies off.

[1:12:50] I wipe my hands in the undies.

[1:12:52] And then I put the undies in the garbage and leave.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:55] Okay, interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:56] It's really expensive because you're using me undies.

[1:12:58] Yeah, I'm using a competing product to our sponsor, Mack Weldon.

[1:13:03] Yeah, exactly.

[1:13:04] Me undies.

[1:13:05] But I use it just to wipe my hands.

[1:13:06] So that's me being shitty to it, I guess.

[1:13:08] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] Yeah, because Mack Weldon's better.

[1:13:11] I have to assume from the weakness of Paul Sorvino's head that if a bird ever pooped on his head, it would just go straight through like a bullet.

[1:13:17] Like someone dropped a penny off a skyscraper.

[1:13:19] Mm-hmm.

[1:13:20] It would kill him.

[1:13:21] That's why he's wearing that hat all the time.

[1:13:22] It's the only protection for his mushy head.

[1:13:27] Finally, oh, the IRS agents get the drop on Santo.

[1:13:31] And he says, stay and die.

[1:13:33] He goes, you guys like chocolate milk?

[1:13:35] Why don't you go home, have a cup of chocolate milk, and not stay and get killed.

[1:13:39] And after a three-year investigation, they go, okay, I like chocolate milk.

[1:13:43] And they leave.

[1:13:44] They give up so easily.

[1:13:45] It's amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:46] I love it.

[1:13:47] Like Eric Roberts is just grinning his way through this performance.

[1:13:51] And he's just like, at this final moment, he's just like, okay.

[1:13:55] And it's just sort of delightful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:58] There are people like James Caan who are clearly not having a good time in this movie.

[1:14:02] And people like Eric Roberts who are having a fantastic time in this movie.

[1:14:05] And then finally, he ambushes the weasel, the glasses guy, the snitch, the rat.

[1:14:10] And he says, you think the problem is that?

[1:14:14] I thought it was that you hate me.

[1:14:15] You hate yourself.

[1:14:17] And he rips off the glasses guy's scrotum, I guess through his pants.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:22] And the prop is hilarious.

[1:14:23] Either that or his scrotum's just hanging out.

[1:14:26] Like, that's his Achilles heel right there.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:29] Guys, I once was walking around the city.

[1:14:32] And I saw a man.

[1:14:32] I was once walking around the city.

[1:14:34] And I saw a man in shorts.

[1:14:35] And his scrotum was literally hanging all the way out.

[1:14:39] And I was like, how?

[1:14:41] I had to double back to make sure that it was not like a prop scrotum.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:45] To take a picture for later.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:47] Wait, how did you make sure it wasn't a prop scrotum, Dan?

[1:14:50] Did you go over and, like, flick it to see if he had sensation?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:54] I mean, I can't be totally sure.

[1:14:56] I just examined it a little bit more.

[1:14:58] Yeah, you didn't taste it.

[1:15:00] I didn't smell it.

[1:15:02] You didn't take a blood sample.

[1:15:03] You didn't compare it to a fake scrotum.

[1:15:03] It's true.

[1:15:04] I only used my eyes on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:07] So, Dan, are you saying this memory is a case of scrotal recall?

[1:15:11] I am saying that.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:12] Or actually, you're saying that.

[1:15:13] And I'm agreeing with it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:14] So, what was your question?

[1:15:15] So, you went back to take a look at it.

[1:15:17] Why?

[1:15:17] Just to ask you to be impersonating scrotum?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:20] I can't believe that this guy, he was, like, having a conversation with a street vendor.

[1:15:25] And his whole area was just hanging out.

[1:15:28] And, like, also, like I was saying, like, the shorts were high.

[1:15:33] But still.

[1:15:33] I would hope so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:34] The scrotum must have been.

[1:15:36] No, they were actually surf jams.

[1:15:39] Very low.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:39] Yeah, they were wearing John Cena-style jorts.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:43] He must have been hanging lower than, like, any geriatric man.

[1:15:48] You know, like, this was, like, a young guy.

[1:15:49] And his scrotum must have been dangling, like, a foot down from where it should be.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:55] What?

[1:15:55] It's like, people get those earlobe extenders.

[1:15:58] That's what he did with his scrotum.

[1:15:59] He got a scrotum extender.

[1:16:00] It's super hip.

[1:16:01] It's tribal.

[1:16:01] Yeah, spacers.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:03] Anyway, that was my tale of balls.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:06] Dan's Tales of Balls.

[1:16:07] Dan McCoy with another Dan's Tales of Balls.

[1:16:10] Anyway, he rips off his scrotum.

[1:16:12] The prop is hilarious.

[1:16:13] It's like a cardboard egg carton with two teeny robin's eggs in it.

[1:16:17] It's also, and this might be getting too disgusting, super dry.

[1:16:21] If you're going to rip someone's scrotum off, you've got to assume that there's going to be some kind of fluids or blood or something.

[1:16:25] No, super dry.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:27] I mean, I don't know, Elliot.

[1:16:28] I think you're, I don't know.

[1:16:31] I mean, have you ever torn a man's scrotum off through their pants?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:34] No, good point.

[1:16:35] Maybe the pants wiped everything off.

[1:16:37] Guys, how would you describe this prop?

[1:16:38] How would you describe this fake half a scrotum with two little testicles in it that the movie decides to show us at this point?

[1:16:44] Yeah, there's maybe the funniest prop I've ever seen.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:47] A couple of two little robin's eggs in like a little brown napkin that are then forced into the guy's mouth.

[1:16:53] And I mean, he basically crosses his eyes, right?

[1:16:56] Like what happens?

[1:16:58] Oh, like he's getting an 80s blowjob.

[1:17:00] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:01] And it's like he dies, I guess, out of shame.

[1:17:03] Maybe the pain of it.

[1:17:04] I don't know.

[1:17:04] But it's like, it's the moment where, you know, someone on set was like, are we really doing this?

[1:17:11] And Frank was like, you better believe we're doing this.

[1:17:13] This is the moment that's going to make this movie a hit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:15] He's like, get me fucking Stan Winston in here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:19] Get me the Toronto based Stan Winston of fake scrotums right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:25] I feel like that's a prop that like, if somebody was auditioning for the sci-fi original series Face Off, they wouldn't even submit that in their reel.

[1:17:37] They're like, I've never done film work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:40] It looks like they went to a novelty store and bought like novelty half scrotum, but I've never heard of such a thing.

[1:17:47] Like, and what prank would you use that for?

[1:17:50] How would it ever be useful?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:53] Yeah.

[1:17:53] It's, uh, you're like, Hey, you thought on today, Easter Sunday, you were just picking up a pair of eggs in a weird little brown napkin.

[1:18:01] Uh, uh, uh, look closely.

[1:18:03] That is a fake scrotum.

[1:18:06] Gotcha.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:08] It's so, it's like, it's an endearing moment because it's crazy.

[1:18:12] Uh, Sonny returns home to his sleeping wife.

[1:18:14] He takes off all of his rings, which is like six or seven rings.

[1:18:17] Yeah.

[1:18:17] Four days later.

[1:18:21] He never takes off his rings so far.

[1:18:23] I'm going to call it the VQ of this movie.

[1:18:25] The vampire quotient.

[1:18:26] Very minimal.

[1:18:27] Very low.

[1:18:28] Uh, gives his sleeping daughter a kiss.

[1:18:30] Santo goes to see Robert Davi, who Natch is cooking, uh, and tells him promise to take care of my family.

[1:18:36] They have a long conversation.

[1:18:37] The audience is at this point reasonably saying, why is this movie not over already?

[1:18:42] Uh, Sonny goes to the graveyard.

[1:18:44] You hear his opening voiceover and then suddenly, bum, bum, Robert Loja is there.

[1:18:47] And through context clues, we know that that's his dad.

[1:18:50] And it's like, what?

[1:18:52] So I didn't understand if his dad was also a vampire or a ghost.

[1:18:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:58] I'm assuming, I'm assuming a ghost.

[1:19:00] I mean, if he was a vampire, no offense to Robert Loja at this point, but he is not looking, looking that great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:08] He's one of those vampires who got bitten when he was in like his eighties and he didn't get any older.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:12] No, that's true.

[1:19:14] Yeah.

[1:19:15] So, uh, the camera cuts away and then cuts back and there's just a pile of pile of dust.

[1:19:21] No more Frank.

[1:19:22] Wait, how did he die?

[1:19:24] I think the sun came up or he like just turned into dust because the sun hadn't bothered him the whole rest of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:30] So I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:31] But now it does.

[1:19:32] But now it does.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:34] I mean, is he fully transformed into a vampire?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:36] Haven't you ever read a vampire story, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:39] No, I understand the dust in the sun, but.

[1:19:42] You rip off a guy's testicles and then you turn into dust.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:47] Vampires are immune to the power of the sun until they rip off someone's testicles.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:51] It's like he lost the will to live is basically the implication, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:56] I have to admit that I had to rewind it and watch the scene again to make sure I didn't miss anything because he's talking to his dad.

[1:20:02] Then we cut to a close up of James Caan looking concerned.

[1:20:05] And I guess a little sad that he didn't get turned into a vampire.

[1:20:07] And then we cut back to this pile of dust on a tombstone.

[1:20:10] And yeah, that's it.

[1:20:11] Back to the weird logo of the movie and then cut to a Frank D'Angelo song.

[1:20:15] And there we are.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:16] And it's just a gigolo again, right?

[1:20:19] Is it?

[1:20:19] I don't remember.

[1:20:20] I don't think that's the first song that plays over the credits, but like they kind of hustle through that number and go right back to just a gigolo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:27] I think the.

[1:20:28] A.K.A.

[1:20:28] Theme from Sicilian Vampire.

[1:20:31] I'm just a gigolo.

[1:20:33] Front of the scenes.

[1:20:33] Love theme.

[1:20:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:35] Wow.

[1:20:36] So.

[1:20:36] Future generations will only know it as the song from Sicilian Vampire.

[1:20:39] Yeah.

[1:20:40] That's the thing.

[1:20:40] Dan, did we exhaustively cover that movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:44] I would say I'm exhausted.

[1:20:45] Okay.

[1:20:47] So I guess let's move on to final judgments.

[1:20:49] Yeah, let's do that.

[1:20:50] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie or a movie we kind of liked.

[1:20:54] Elliot, I think you've got something to say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:57] I'm going to look guys.

[1:20:58] This is for me was a classic.

[1:21:00] Good, bad.

[1:21:01] Let's.

[1:21:02] You got a guy living out his fantasies of being a movie mobster on screen.

[1:21:06] Long scenes where nobody does anything but talk about cards.

[1:21:11] Like somebody like cuts between different points in time and space that don't make any sense.

[1:21:17] There's that whole commercial for the Italian restaurant that just shows up in the middle of the movie out of nowhere and doesn't make any sense.

[1:21:23] And you got a lot of stars doing their best to be mumbly.

[1:21:26] I got to say, even though there was very little vampire in this movie, I'm going to call it a good, bad movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:33] Yeah, I would say this is a firm, frightfully funny movie.

[1:21:37] Oh, wow.

[1:21:37] Oh, I forgot.

[1:21:38] Wait, no, it's not Shocktober.

[1:21:39] It's Smallvember.

[1:21:40] Oh, okay.

[1:21:41] It was minimally mirthful.

[1:21:44] It was.

[1:21:45] No, it was way more mirthful than minimally.

[1:21:48] I know, but it's got to be small stuff.

[1:21:49] Oh, the.

[1:21:51] It was a tiny treat.

[1:21:52] How about that?

[1:21:52] It was a tiny treat.

[1:21:53] I would say this is a good, bad movie.

[1:21:55] It's fucking crazy.

[1:21:57] But it is a challenging good, bad movie because the audio is mixed so strangely that you have to work at it to enjoy it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:08] And then once you work at it, you realize they're not saying anything of consequence.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:13] But it's like, they're not saying anything about late consequence.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:19] I would say Sicilian vampire is God's final trick on humanity as it mocks the very idea of effort because you have to put so much effort into understanding it and then the payoff is nil.

[1:22:30] Yeah.

[1:22:31] So it's almost like the universe is laughing at you for even giving a shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:34] I agree.

[1:22:35] It's a good, bad movie.

[1:22:36] You know, you look at stories and you ask yourself the question, why was this story told?

[1:22:42] Like, why did it need to be told?

[1:22:44] This family is the most important thing, Dan.

[1:22:46] I'm baffled by, like, I think that Frank D'Angelo was like, just basically had like an idea of like, wouldn't it be cool if there's a vampire in the mob?

[1:22:56] And not remembering that that was a story that actually had been told before, but then.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:02] And he opens the movie mentioning that like this, that he's telling this story, but like, who's he talking to?

[1:23:11] He's a pile of ash at the end of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:14] He pulled a Sunset Boulevard.

[1:23:16] He's just a corpse talking to a movie audience.

[1:23:18] Okay.

[1:23:18] Yeah.

[1:23:19] But it's just, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:21] There's, there's a, as Elliot says, there's a very little vampire quotient.

[1:23:24] They don't do anything with the idea of a vampire in the mob.

[1:23:27] It's just like, it's like almost a documentary, like, uh, cinema verite, like day in the life of a mobster.

[1:23:36] And then at the end, like, he's like, oh, also I was a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:41] It kind of feels like a documentary about the making of the movie you're watching right now.

[1:23:45] Yeah.

[1:23:46] Like, it's hard to tell which scenes are for the movie and which are just behind the scenes shots of the actors hanging out.

[1:23:51] Yeah.

[1:23:52] Like, now I would love to see, I'd love to see a movie where there's a whole plot.

[1:23:55] And in the end, they're like, oh yeah, and he's a vampire.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:06] The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter,

[1:24:13] Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Camp, Laurie Metcalf,

[1:24:18] Felicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skylar Astin,

[1:24:22] Mae Whitman, Josh Molina, Ben Feldman, Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee, Jane Levy,

[1:24:26] Allison Tolman, Danielle Nicolette, Casey Wilson, Anna Ortiz, Lorraine Newman, June Diane Raphael,

[1:24:29] Kiernan Shipka, Ed Week, Zach Knighton, Carrie Kenny Silver, John Ross Bowie, Jamie Denbo,

[1:24:31] Janet Varney, Alexander Torsani, Rich Summer, Natalie Morales, Matt Gourley,

[1:24:33] and many more.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:36] Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts.

S6

[1:24:40] I love Forget Me Not.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:44] I'm Jesse.

[1:24:45] I'm Jordan.

[1:24:45] And we've been doing Jordan Jesse Go for almost 10 years now.

[1:24:49] And it's not gotten any easier to describe.

[1:24:51] So we asked our fans to do it for us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:53] Jordan Jesse Go is a weekly conversation with...

[1:24:56] Two best pals.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:58] Two hilarious friends.

[1:24:59] The hilarious smart kids.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:01] Talking about hilarious stuff that happens to them.

[1:25:03] Mostly really stupid stuff.

S5

[1:25:04] Awkward anecdotes.

[1:25:06] Insane tangents.

[1:25:08] Heartfelt stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:09] It's like being thrown in the middle of a hilarious conversation between you and your best pals.

[1:25:13] It's a show that makes me laugh every week, which is pretty rare and wonderful.

[1:25:17] Might be the best thing on the internet.

[1:25:19] One of the funniest things you will hear.

S5

[1:25:21] And it's the best part of my week.

[1:25:23] And has kept me company for the past seven years through all sorts of life.

[1:25:27] I love those guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:29] That's Jordan Jesse Go, the comedy podcast that's been named Best of iTunes.

[1:25:33] Every Monday on MaximumFun.org or your favorite podcasting software.

S6

[1:25:37] I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

[1:25:39] Love you.

[1:25:40] Love you.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:42] So we've gone longer than we ever have before on one of these synopses.

[1:25:46] So let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:48] Hey, it's Smallvember.

[1:25:50] We get loquacious.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:51] Yeah.

[1:25:52] Yeah, I don't get to see Elliot that much.

[1:25:53] Now they moved away, Dan.

[1:25:55] Okay.

[1:25:56] Let me talk to him on the fucking computer for a second.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:59] You're saying that you don't want time with me?

[1:26:01] All right.

[1:26:01] I get it.

[1:26:02] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:03] Elliot's in a new city and he doesn't have a lot of friends yet.

[1:26:07] But he's really fun and people will get to know him, but not yet.

[1:26:10] So he's got to enjoy this time with his buddies.

[1:26:14] Reviewing movies about a Canadian vampire that's also Sicilian.

[1:26:18] Hey, do you remember when the Alamo Draft House did that special screening for Sicilian vampire?

[1:26:24] You know, where it was Sicilians only?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:28] And vampires only.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:29] Oh, weird.

[1:26:30] I didn't know that part.

[1:26:31] I just thought it was a room full of mobsters.

[1:26:34] Yep.

[1:26:34] A room full of monster mobsters.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:36] Oh, we've got one sponsor this week.

[1:26:42] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:43] And it's Blue Apron.

[1:26:45] For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned

[1:26:52] ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals.

[1:26:55] Now, some of the upcoming meals.

[1:26:58] Listen to this.

[1:26:58] You got your summer vegetable and egg paninis with Calabrian chili mayonnaise and caprese salad.

[1:27:05] Making it hard on you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:07] Am I back on Sicilian vampire?

[1:27:09] Yeah.

[1:27:09] You're in all these beautiful Italian foods.

[1:27:11] You got soy glazed.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:13] Oh, Calabrian?

[1:27:13] Okay, great.

[1:27:14] Soy glazed pork and rice cakes with bok choy and marinated green beans.

[1:27:19] Oh, like Nona used to make.

[1:27:21] As Jordan Jesse goes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:23] Delicioso.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:23] As Jordan Jesse goes.

[1:27:24] Let me at them cakes.

[1:27:27] And we've got skillet vegetable chili with cornmeal and cheddar drop biscuits.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:31] You know, I just, my wife and I just moved apartments and we are still kind of getting our kitchen

[1:27:37] set up.

[1:27:38] So we've been Blue Apron-ed up lately.

[1:27:40] And I'm kind of surprised at how, how eat like useful and easy it is.

[1:27:46] And also, like I feel like I'm pretty good at handling the staples of a meal, but I'm

[1:27:52] impressed at how Blue Apron has taught me how to make some like little, little tricks

[1:27:57] to like take my meals to the next level, like the little side things, things that like things

[1:28:02] I've never thought about.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:04] Blue Apron is kind of like the culinary version of like when an older woman takes a younger

[1:28:10] guy under her wing.

[1:28:11] Sure.

[1:28:13] Teaches her the arts of desire and pleasure.

[1:28:15] It's like, she knows this stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:17] How else are you going to learn it, you know?

[1:28:18] Takes the younger man under her blue apron.

[1:28:21] Mm-hmm.

[1:28:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:23] It says, do what you like down there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:27] No, not do what you like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:28] Yeah, that's, that's not very instructional.

[1:28:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:32] So welcome to sex class, lesson one, do what you want.

[1:28:35] All right, that'll be $400, please.

[1:28:39] Yeah.

[1:28:41] It's also the exact opposite of Blue Apron, that the Blue Apron's like, here's some ingredients,

[1:28:44] throw them in a pot, do whatever, we don't care.

[1:28:48] No, they're telling you how to do it, because then they can help you.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:51] Yeah.

[1:28:52] Sorry.

[1:28:52] It's a healthful service.

[1:28:54] Yeah.

[1:28:54] Blue Apron knows you're busy, so now they're offering 30-minute meals.

[1:28:58] These meals are made with the same flavor and farm-fresh ingredients you know and love

[1:29:01] and are ready in 30 minutes or less.

[1:29:04] Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going

[1:29:09] to blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:29:12] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:29:16] That's us.

[1:29:17] Cool, cool, cool.

[1:29:18] The flophouse.

[1:29:20] But now...

[1:29:22] Now that we've got that business out of the way.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:24] Yeah, what do we do next, dude?

[1:29:25] We answer a few letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:28] Well, before we do that, you know what we should mention?

[1:29:30] Uh-huh.

[1:29:30] We have some live shows coming up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:31] Oh, cool.

[1:29:31] Yeah, yeah.

[1:29:33] What's the deal with those?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:34] Yeah.

[1:29:36] There's...

[1:29:36] We got one in LA.

[1:29:38] We got one in Toronto.

[1:29:39] We got a later one in San Francisco.

[1:29:41] The Toronto one, when we in error said was sold out, I have since heard that people are still

[1:29:49] able to get tickets.

[1:29:50] So we should promote that one, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:52] Yeah, hopefully...

[1:29:53] We got a draw in Toronto.

[1:29:54] We thought we were...

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:56] Yeah.

[1:29:56] Hopefully people aren't returning their tickets angrily, because they thought they were getting

[1:30:00] tickets to Chapo Trap House.

[1:30:04] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:06] So, we've got a show on September...

Dan McCoy

[1:30:10] The 8th?

[1:30:11] We got...

[1:30:11] Wait.

[1:30:12] We got a show on October the 8th.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:14] October...

[1:30:14] I keep thinking it's September, but it's October.

[1:30:16] Darn this love of September that I have.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:20] Yeah, October the 8th in LA.

[1:30:22] What's the name of the theater?

[1:30:24] The Regent Theater?

[1:30:25] Is that correct?

[1:30:25] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:25] Yep, that's right.

[1:30:27] We have one in Toronto, which is the...

[1:30:31] We're doing that on the Saturday, right?

[1:30:33] Yep.

[1:30:33] That's the 21st.

[1:30:34] Okay.

[1:30:35] October 21st.

[1:30:36] Uh-huh.

[1:30:36] We're doing great.

[1:30:37] And then...

[1:30:38] We're really professional, guys.

[1:30:41] We've got one in San Francisco.

[1:30:44] Oh, San Francisco, the home of Bread Bowls.

[1:30:47] On the 9th.

[1:30:48] In December...

[1:30:49] On December.

[1:30:50] On December 9th.

[1:30:51] Uh, and that's...

[1:30:52] You can't just say the 9th.

[1:30:53] Every month has a 9th.

[1:30:54] That's at the Marines Theater.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:56] Yeah, Marines Memorial Theater.

[1:30:58] Come see us.

[1:30:59] This is our first time doing shows on the West Coast.

[1:31:02] So, uh, I don't know.

[1:31:04] Come out and watch us talk about a movie.

[1:31:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:07] It'll be exciting.

[1:31:08] That's October 8th at 7 p.m. in Los Angeles.

[1:31:11] That's a Sunday.

[1:31:12] December 9th, that's a Saturday in San Francisco.

[1:31:15] And October 21st in Toronto, that's a Saturday too, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:19] Correct.

[1:31:19] And this all should be on the website.

[1:31:22] Cool.

[1:31:23] Okay.

[1:31:23] What else do we have to do?

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:24] I don't see...

[1:31:25] I don't see a listing for the...

[1:31:26] In the event section for the Toronto show.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:28] Yes.

[1:31:28] That's because, again, I thought it was sold out.

[1:31:31] But, uh...

[1:31:32] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:32] So if you're in Toronto, just Google Flophouse Podcast Toronto and it'll get you there.

[1:31:37] Or just use your blood.

[1:31:38] It's the Google of the human body.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:39] Yep.

[1:31:40] Just take some blood and give it to James Caan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:43] Otherwise, if you're in Los Angeles, go to the Flophouse webpage and go to the events section.

[1:31:47] Or if you're in San Francisco, buy some tickets and come see us.

[1:31:50] I'm excited to do West Coast shows.

[1:31:52] We'll be three hours more energized than they would be in New York.

[1:31:56] And I don't know about you guys, I'm going to make some new PowerPoint presentations for them.

[1:32:00] What?

[1:32:01] West Coast only.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:02] Well, I'm not.

[1:32:03] I'm going to do an old PowerPoint presentation because I'm lazy.

[1:32:07] We've got to get on those.

[1:32:09] So, uh...

[1:32:11] We'll talk about that off air.

[1:32:12] This first letter that we have from a listener is from Sam, Finn, and Ava.

[1:32:19] Last names withheld.

[1:32:22] A long-time listener, first-time writer.

[1:32:24] I think Ava is the one writing, even though it's from three people.

[1:32:28] I just wanted to thank you for bringing smiles and laughter to my otherwise dull life.

[1:32:32] If it wasn't for your episodes filling my unemployed days with joy,

[1:32:35] I probably would have written this letter as a physical ransom note

[1:32:37] and sent it to Dan's address along with some creepy voodoo dolls I've made in my spare time.

[1:32:42] At least he got a hobby.

[1:32:44] He will not shit his pants in fright today because whenever I get the urge to come up with ways to scare Dan...

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:49] You don't know that.

[1:32:50] He may at some point.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:52] Just turn on your show.

[1:32:54] Now, Floppers, I have two listener questions.

[1:32:57] Question number one.

[1:32:59] Out of all the movies you've seen throughout the years,

[1:33:01] which would you say had the most shocking, surprising, creepy ending that stuck with you?

[1:33:06] Mine would be spoiler alert.

[1:33:09] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:11] Yeah, I feel like this whole question will be spoilers.

[1:33:14] What's the spoiler alert for?

Dan McCoy

[1:33:15] Sleepaway camp.

[1:33:16] So, just jump ahead, you know, like 30 seconds or whatever if you don't want to know.

[1:33:21] At the end of sleepaway camp, when you find out that Angela, the troubled protagonist,

[1:33:26] is actually Peter, who is supposedly killed at the beginning of the film.

[1:33:30] If that wasn't surprising enough at ending,

[1:33:32] the director-writer even included a scarring shot of the young teen peen on the Angela-Peter character.

[1:33:37] Question number two.

[1:33:39] Can you guys, mainly Stuart, I suppose, name any other movies besides Castle Freak

[1:33:43] that has a good ding-dong ripping scene that's worth watching?

[1:33:46] Mine would be Return to Sleepaway Camp.

[1:33:48] Side note, I've been watching a lot of Sleepaway Camp.

[1:33:51] When Randy gets his ding-dong ripped off by a fishing line attached to a Jeep.

[1:33:55] Classic.

[1:33:56] Thanks, floppers.

[1:33:57] Keep on flopping.

[1:33:58] So, the most shocking endings that you've seen, and also ding-dong ripping.

[1:34:04] I mean, there's one ding-dong ripping that comes immediately to mind.

[1:34:08] What's that, Dan?

[1:34:09] Street trash?

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:11] Oh, street trash, sure.

[1:34:12] Where they play keep-away with the ding-dong?

[1:34:14] I think in Sonny Cheeba's the street fighter, he rips off some guy's stuff, too.

[1:34:21] Does he?

[1:34:21] I don't remember that.

[1:34:22] Maybe he does.

[1:34:23] Maybe I'm making that up.

[1:34:24] Maybe it's all...

[1:34:26] Maybe I could be accused of making up a scene in a movie where a character rips off genitals.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:33] Now, does it count if the ding-dong doesn't get all the way ripped off?

[1:34:36] Because there's the part in snakes on a plane,

[1:34:38] peeing in a plane, and a snake jumps on and starts biting his ding-dong,

[1:34:42] and he has the immortal line,

[1:34:44] Hey, get off my dick!

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:46] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:47] That's my favorite line in cinema history.

[1:34:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:50] I feel like a ding-dong not getting ripped off all the way is basically just masturbation, right?

[1:35:01] Yeah, I feel the thing about twist endings, too, is...

[1:35:06] I mean, there's a lot of, like, shocking endings that end up, like, making a movie worse or being dumb.

[1:35:15] Like, the ending of, like, Don't Look Now is pretty shocking.

[1:35:20] Not a fan.

[1:35:23] Or, like, the ending of the movie The Kingsman, where, spoiler alert, the hero is promised anal sex with a woman if he saves the day,

[1:35:37] which he then saves the day, and the last shot of the movie is, from his perspective, about to have that proffered anal sex.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:46] What?

[1:35:47] What are you talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:48] No, that happens in the fucking movie, dude.

[1:35:52] The Rockbuster film, The Kingsman.

[1:35:54] Yeah.

[1:35:54] Wait a minute.

[1:35:55] It's in The Kingsman, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:56] Wait, but how is it from his point of view?

[1:35:58] Is the last shot just the camera zooms into an anus?

[1:36:00] No.

[1:36:03] Like, all the way in.

[1:36:04] His point of view is from the tip of his dick.

[1:36:08] It's like, he looks down, and then you just see the anus waiting for him, and the camera zooms in.

[1:36:13] And the anus winks at you.

[1:36:14] Created by Mark Millar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:16] Credits come flying at the camera.

[1:36:20] No, but he's wearing a pair of glasses that have a built-in camera.

[1:36:28] And that image is being sent to Mark Strong, who is in a bunker somewhere, giving him advice.

[1:36:35] And so we're seeing Mark Strong watch this on his computer, and he's like, you know, it's like the James Bond moment,

[1:36:42] where they're like, oh, James is up to his old tricks again.

[1:36:45] But it's kind of weirder.

[1:36:48] Kind of weirder.

[1:36:50] Okay, it's definitely weirder.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:52] It's super not okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:54] Yeah, no, it's fucking crazy.

[1:36:56] It feels, I mean, it feels like the worst of all Mark Miller writing, kind of distilled into one moment.

[1:37:04] So I guess that's pretty shocking.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:06] What about you, Dan?

[1:37:07] The first thing that comes to my mind, and I'm sorry that I'm breaking the rules, is not a movie, but a television show.

[1:37:15] Uh-huh.

[1:37:16] The thing that has stuck with me all these years until the TV show came back was the ending to Twin Peaks.

[1:37:23] Okay.

[1:37:24] Where, again, spoiler alert, the evil doppelganger Bob agent version of Agent Cooper escapes from the Black Lodge.

[1:37:35] And you think that it's good old Dale until he rams his head into the mirror.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:41] Yeah, and he looks at the screen and he says, what's up with Annie, dudes?

[1:37:45] No.

[1:37:45] And you're like, what?

[1:37:46] Who's this guy?

[1:37:47] He says, how's Annie?

[1:37:50] How's Annie?

[1:37:51] I think you're misremembering it.

[1:37:52] Elliot, what about you?

[1:37:54] Uh, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:57] I'm having some trouble coming up with a good one.

[1:37:59] So maybe we should just move along.

[1:38:00] Oh, okay.

[1:38:02] I thought I'd have one.

[1:38:03] I mean, there's moments that were like, I've seen the movies that were like deeply affecting to me at the very end where I'm like, wait, what?

[1:38:10] But I'm having trouble thinking of one that was like a shockingly either scary or surprising.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:15] Yeah, I mean, I'm a big fan of endings that, I don't feel like I've always been this way,

[1:38:21] but I do like movies that have like a non-resolution ending, like an ending, like something like, spoiler alert again,

[1:38:29] uh, what is it?

[1:38:31] Martha, Marcy, May Marlene, where you're like, are like, are the cultists coming after her?

[1:38:37] Or is that just a truck?

[1:38:39] We don't know for sure.

[1:38:40] And that's like, I think that type of shit's great.

[1:38:44] Or like the end of like, it follows.

[1:38:45] You're like, is the person walking behind them?

[1:38:48] And it follows.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:50] Yeah, I like that kind of stuff.

[1:38:51] I mean, the ending of, uh, it's not a shocking surprise exactly, but the ending of the Manchurian Candidate,

[1:38:57] rather the climax of it is like, that's one that I've seen in a number of times and always like leaves me feeling like the bottom of the world dropped out.

[1:39:05] You know, uh, it's just a bleak ending, but I don't know.

[1:39:09] I haven't tried.

[1:39:10] I'll take one later.

[1:39:11] I'll, I'll write it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:12] Is the ending of the Manchurian Candidate, the one where, uh, the Manchurian Candidate has taken the sleeping potion,

[1:39:18] but he's taken it too long and he wakes up and, uh, he's in a post-apocalyptic future.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:23] No, you're thinking of the director's cut of Army of Star Trek.

[1:39:26] Oh, weird.

[1:39:27] Okay.

[1:39:28] It's a very different movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:29] Uh, this next letter is from Dora, last name withheld.

[1:39:33] Mm-hmm.

[1:39:33] The Explorer.

[1:39:34] Yeah.

[1:39:35] I was waiting for it.

[1:39:36] Hello, Dan, Elliot, and Stuart.

[1:39:38] My friends and I were throwing around a hypothetical question about movies the other day because we're that kind of people.

[1:39:44] The hypothetical is, if you could visit any movie set and get the full behind-the-scenes experience, which movie would you choose?

[1:39:51] My friends' answers ranged from, I just want to eat one of those cakes from the Grand Budapest Hotel, to, can I go to the future instead just to see what kind of nightmare Michael Bay has cooked up for Transformers 14?

[1:40:02] Hope you guys are doing well.

[1:40:04] And always, as always, thanks so much for brightening my days with the podcast.

[1:40:07] All the best, Dora.

[1:40:10] Um, so it's not that you're living inside these movies.

[1:40:14] It's that you're visiting the set.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:15] No, I'm...

[1:40:16] Oh, so it's, or is it, it's not a last action hero type thing?

[1:40:20] It could be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:21] Yeah.

[1:40:21] Can I be a cartoon cat in this situation?

[1:40:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:25] I think you kind of already are, Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:29] Yeah, I mean, I feel like there aren't very many movies made in the last, what, 10, 20 years where I would like to visit the set.

[1:40:39] Like, I feel like it would be, it would probably be like an older film, like something like, I don't know, uh, the Magnificent Seven or, uh, or like Lawrence of Arabia.

[1:40:51] Like one of these, like, grand classic movies that also has a big sprawling cast.

[1:40:56] Or, I mean, or like, or Star Wars.

[1:40:59] I mean, I should just say Star Wars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:01] Yeah, I was kind of surprised Star Wars wasn't the first one you said.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:04] I was trying to be like a cool film dude first.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:07] I get it.

[1:41:08] That was super cool.

[1:41:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:09] Or like Goonies, like a movie I grew up with.

[1:41:12] I think, like, and that had a lot of cool weird sets and stuff built for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:16] Yeah, I mean, the, the, where I would go with this is, um, I would go like Raiders of the Lost Ark or maybe Poltergeist.

[1:41:24] And the reason is, when I was a kid, I was so fascinated with special effects in general and industrial light and magic in particular.

[1:41:33] And I would like to go with, like, one of these movies that I remember from my childhood that really kind of epitomized the, the renaissance of, like, ILM stuff.

[1:41:45] Mm-hmm.

[1:41:46] And seeing all the props and the different techniques that got put into that.

[1:41:53] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:54] Yeah, probably want to go, go hang out on the set of Gremlins 2.

[1:41:58] Oh, yeah.

[1:41:59] For that reason, be around a bunch of Gremlins puppets.

[1:42:01] See how they did it.

[1:42:02] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:03] Or the old Star Wars and just go running around the Death Star.

[1:42:06] It'd just be fun to run around the hallways because they built a whole Death Star.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:09] Oh, really?

[1:42:09] Yeah, and, uh, Gremlins 2 would be great because you'd get to see the inside of, what is that, Clamp Tower, Clamp Center before it got torn down?

[1:42:17] Yeah, Clamp Tower.

[1:42:18] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:19] Before he rededicated, before Daniel Clamp rededicated himself to building small suburban towns.

[1:42:24] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:24] Like Clamp Corners.

[1:42:26] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:26] Where nature slows to, where life slows to a crawl.

[1:42:30] Um, or the, or the set of the original Planet of the Apes I'd love to go to.

[1:42:35] Yeah, that'd be cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:35] So this last letter is from All Names Withheld because I probably just forgot to find the name.

[1:42:44] Sorry for whoever this is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:47] Once again, Master Sleuth Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:51] Uh, but the letter is titled, Eric Roberts, holy shit.

[1:42:57] And it says, Eric Roberts is probably the most prolific actor of our time.

[1:43:01] How has he not been in more Flophouse movies?

[1:43:04] For 2017 alone, I count 42 movies in 2017.

[1:43:08] All before May.

[1:43:10] I'm not even sure, I'm not even sure why he's been in so many movies, but I would like speculation

[1:43:15] from the Flophouse boys as to why.

[1:43:17] So obviously I, uh, well, I think.

[1:43:19] Included this letter since we watched him in Sicilian Vampire.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:21] I think number one is, I mean, the guy's got a great work ethic, you know?

[1:43:26] And he's just got a face that's just like, one of those like, kind of bland vanilla faces.

[1:43:32] Like a real everyman look about him, you know what I mean?

[1:43:35] That's right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:35] I think of him.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:38] Oh boy.

[1:43:39] Yeah, I don't, I, that's insane that he's been in so many movies and I actually haven't

[1:43:44] seen more of them.

[1:43:45] Like, although like, it seems like mainstream Hollywood has given up on him outside of like

[1:43:50] Christopher Nolan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:51] Who?

[1:43:52] I don't know about that.

[1:43:53] He shows up every now and then in little things.

[1:43:55] Yeah.

[1:43:55] Like little roles.

[1:43:56] He's like, but he's a guy, he's one of these guys who like, seems like he'll do whatever.

[1:44:02] And if there's an actor with a well-known name, he'll do whatever.

[1:44:05] Then like people will make use of them.

[1:44:08] And seems to have a lot of time on his hands.

[1:44:10] What else is he doing with his life?

[1:44:11] You know, he's an actor.

[1:44:12] He's got acts.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:12] Well, he also does stuff like a talking cat where he's recording everything from his bathtub.

[1:44:17] So it's easier for him to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:19] If it's, if that counts as a movie role, then yeah, for sure.

[1:44:22] He doesn't even have to leave the bathroom.

[1:44:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:24] Yeah.

[1:44:25] I mean, he was either in the bathroom or maybe seated in his computer writing the next great

[1:44:30] American novel.

[1:44:31] I can only imagine.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:34] I'm looking through his filmography.

[1:44:36] One of the movies for 2017 is The Best Thanksgiving Ever.

[1:44:41] Hmm.

[1:44:41] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:43] Way to, way to set the standard.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:44] And he's also in The Terror of Hallows Eve.

[1:44:47] So he's really hitting the holidays.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:48] No offense to the holiday films.

[1:44:51] Yeah.

[1:44:51] No offense to Eric Roberts.

[1:44:52] The Best Thanksgiving Ever probably does not involve Eric Roberts.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:55] There's something called After School Special that has a sexy Catholic schoolgirl on the front

[1:45:02] of it.

[1:45:03] Okay.

[1:45:04] Devil Dogs and Child of Satan.

[1:45:07] Yeah.

[1:45:07] He's got a lot of.

[1:45:08] Is that a team up?

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:09] Yeah.

[1:45:10] No, those are two separate movies.

[1:45:12] Yeah.

[1:45:12] The team up is going to be in 2018.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:14] Oh, as part of the Eric Roberts cinematic universe.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:18] He's got an upcoming project called, just called Taco Shop.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:22] Ha ha ha.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:25] So he's doing, he's doing just fine.

[1:45:27] Oh, he's got.

[1:45:28] He plays.

[1:45:28] Wait, I'm sorry.

[1:45:30] He's got something also coming called, Fatty's Take Down the House.

[1:45:34] Ha ha ha.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:37] So clearly he's, this is the, this is the very, this is the classic era of his career.

[1:45:42] And again, I don't want to, I don't want to attack it.

[1:45:44] An actor's got to act.

[1:45:45] You got to eat.

[1:45:46] You got to, you got to do work.

[1:45:48] Like, I'm not going to attack anyone for taking the jobs that are available.

[1:45:51] Yeah.

[1:45:52] It does seem like, it seems like there's a room though of people coming up with the craziest

[1:45:56] possible movie ideas just to pitch them to Eric Roberts.

[1:45:58] Ha ha ha.

[1:46:01] Ha ha.

[1:46:02] Like, I bet they generate the titles and then they email him and they say, would you be in

[1:46:06] a movie with a title?

[1:46:06] He goes, yeah, sure.

[1:46:07] And they're like, okay, we got to write a movie that goes with the title Fatty Take

[1:46:11] Down the House.

[1:46:12] Ha ha ha.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:13] Yeah, do you think they send him a big list of movie names that they made up?

[1:46:17] And they're like, which ones will you do?

[1:46:19] And they're like, he'll only pick like one of them and then we'll write the script based

[1:46:22] on that.

[1:46:22] And he's like, fuck it, I'll do all of them.

[1:46:24] They're like, shit.

[1:46:27] Go get a bunch of Jolt Cola.

[1:46:29] We're going to be here all night.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:31] We'll be writing all night.

[1:46:33] Let's move on to our last segment, which is recommendations of films that you should watch.

[1:46:38] Let's say in addition to Sicilian Vampire, not instead of necessarily, because we all had

[1:46:43] a good time watching Sicilian Vampire.

[1:46:46] So I'll go first.

[1:46:47] I, um, a while back now, we haven't recorded, uh, it's been a while since we recorded, uh,

[1:46:54] or it's been a while since I saw the movie.

[1:46:56] Um, I went to, there was a retrospective of Jonathan Demme's films at the Brooklyn Academy

[1:47:03] of Music.

[1:47:04] And I saw an early movie of his, I think it was like 79, maybe I could be getting that

[1:47:09] wrong, uh, that he did called Last Embrace.

[1:47:14] And it's largely been forgotten, but I really enjoyed it.

[1:47:17] It's a Hitchcock pastiche, which you can tell because it has things like it ends up in a

[1:47:23] big fight on Niagara Falls.

[1:47:25] And there's another scene that I, classic Hitchcock.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:28] Well, you know, he likes to have, well, well known for his Niagara Falls fight.

[1:47:34] Like the one in Psycho and the one in Vertigo.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:36] He likes to have big landmarks at the end of his films.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:42] Disturbia.

[1:47:44] Hitchcock's classic, Disturbia.

[1:47:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:46] And he also, it also does that Hitchcock thing of like, there's a fight in a...

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:50] Of getting really fat.

[1:47:51] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:52] Does he do the Hitchcock thing where, uh, the main character walks out and a bunch of

[1:47:56] doves fly all over the place?

[1:47:58] You might be thinking of something else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:00] Does he do that Hitchcock thing where someone, where a cowboy gets shot in slow motion and

[1:48:04] the body falls to the ground really slow?

[1:48:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:07] He does all of these things.

[1:48:09] But the thing I was in particular thinking of is that Hitchcock...

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:11] Does he do that Hitchcock thing where he goes on vacation with his friends who are also

[1:48:15] Hollywood stars and they just film a movie about it and they call it Grown Ups 2?

[1:48:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:21] Forget it.

[1:48:22] Classic Hitchcock.

[1:48:23] Forget it.

[1:48:23] I'm not even going to say it.

[1:48:24] No, no, Dan.

[1:48:24] What do they do?

[1:48:25] What else do they do?

[1:48:26] Tell us about it.

[1:48:27] He does that Hitchcock thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:29] Do they do that Hitchcock thing where the actors turn to the camera and address the audience

[1:48:33] as if the audience is there?

[1:48:37] Where...

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:38] Do they do that Hitchcock thing where a guy with a machine gun says to Tom Hanks, I'm the

[1:48:42] captain now?

Dan McCoy

[1:48:46] Where, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:48] Do they do that Hitchcock thing where it's all motion capture and it's a Polar Express?

Dan McCoy

[1:48:54] So watch the movie and write in to think what Hitchcock thing you thought that I was talking

[1:48:58] about.

[1:49:00] Uh...

[1:49:00] But it's a good movie.

[1:49:03] It stars Roy Scheider.

[1:49:04] It has cameos or smaller parts.

[1:49:07] Christopher Walken is in it.

[1:49:09] John Glover, who we all love, is Daniel Clamp from Gremlins 2.

[1:49:13] Let's do.

[1:49:15] It's also...

[1:49:16] It...

[1:49:16] Spoiler alert.

[1:49:18] It, uh...

Dan McCoy

[1:49:18] It is a Jewish thriller.

[1:49:21] It, uh...

[1:49:22] Wait, Judaism figures into it?

[1:49:23] Why is that a spoiler?

[1:49:25] I don't...

[1:49:25] I mean, like, it's just like...

[1:49:26] It...

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:28] It...

[1:49:28] Is it like the end of Sleepaway Camp where it's revealed and you're like, he's been circumcised?

Dan McCoy

[1:49:33] I just don't want to give away too much of the movie, but it's kind of interesting.

[1:49:36] You don't usually see, like, that element in a thriller.

[1:49:39] So, it's a very fun movie.

[1:49:41] I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:49:42] Uh...

[1:49:43] So, I...

[1:49:43] I recommend Last Embrace.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:47] Uh...

[1:49:47] That's cool.

[1:49:48] I'm gonna recommend...

[1:49:49] Uh...

[1:49:50] I'm gonna recommend another writer-director-star vampire movie.

[1:49:55] Okay.

[1:49:55] Uh...

[1:49:56] I'm gonna recommend a movie from the 90s called Habit.

[1:49:59] Uh...

[1:50:00] Written and directed and starring Larry Fessenden, who is, uh...

[1:50:04] Kind of a...

[1:50:05] Like, uh...

[1:50:06] Indie horror guy who has been pretty influential with, uh...

[1:50:11] The indie horror scene.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:13] He's the hardest-working man in horror, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:14] Yeah.

[1:50:14] I mean, he's...

[1:50:15] And he's still...

[1:50:16] He's still pretty influential and still kind of involved with the, like, new crop of young

[1:50:20] indie horror filmmakers.

[1:50:22] Um...

[1:50:22] If you...

[1:50:23] If he was also involved in that, uh...

[1:50:25] That video game that came out a little while ago, Until Dawn, where you...

[1:50:30] The, like, the pitch is that you're kind of, like, playing out the story of a slasher movie.

[1:50:35] Um...

[1:50:35] And the choices you make will affect the direction of the game.

[1:50:39] You know, like most video games.

[1:50:40] But in this case, you're, like...

[1:50:42] You're, like, directing a slasher movie in that game.

[1:50:44] Um...

[1:50:45] And, uh...

[1:50:47] Habit is a movie about a man who is coming out of a breakup.

[1:50:52] And, uh...

[1:50:54] His life's kind of falling apart.

[1:50:55] And he finds himself in a...

[1:50:59] Kind of a whirlwind relationship with a woman who turns out to be a vampire.

[1:51:04] And it...

[1:51:05] And it plays out with themes of, like, addiction and, uh...

[1:51:09] And relationships.

[1:51:10] And I remember seeing it, uh...

[1:51:12] Not long after it came out.

[1:51:14] And not really getting it.

[1:51:16] And then seeing it a few years later and liking it a bit more.

[1:51:19] Um...

[1:51:20] I mean, it does have something to do with how much, like...

[1:51:23] How much you'll take from it will also be tied with how much you like 90s indie cinema.

[1:51:29] But, uh...

[1:51:30] I think it's...

[1:51:31] I think it's a great little horror movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:35] Uh...

[1:51:35] And I also wanted to recommend the Little Vampire movie.

[1:51:38] Uh...

[1:51:38] The Little Vampires.

[1:51:40] The Little Vampires.

[1:51:42] It's about a...

[1:51:42] Dracula gets shrunk with a shrink ray.

[1:51:45] And now he's riding around in a kid's pocket to school.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:48] Is that what happens in that fucking movie?

[1:51:50] Because Jonathan Lipnicki's in that movie.

[1:51:52] The littlest vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:53] I think that's the littlest vampire.

[1:51:54] I think he's just a kid vampire.

[1:51:55] Oh, okay.

[1:51:56] He's not...

[1:51:57] Who murders people?

[1:52:00] Yeah.

[1:52:00] And also, he's stuck...

[1:52:01] He must be stuck as a child his entire life, like, in Let the Right One In.

[1:52:04] Yeah.

[1:52:04] It's terrifying.

[1:52:05] Yeah.

[1:52:05] Or...

[1:52:06] Is it Near Dark?

Dan McCoy

[1:52:07] Yeah.

[1:52:08] Yeah.

[1:52:08] There's...

[1:52:08] Both of them.

[1:52:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:11] Or...

[1:52:12] What?

[1:52:14] Interview with a Vampire.

[1:52:15] Interview with a Vampire.

[1:52:16] Yeah.

[1:52:16] The movie I was thinking of.

[1:52:18] I was thinking of an interview.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:20] Yeah.

[1:52:20] They interviewed a vampire.

[1:52:21] Uh-huh.

[1:52:21] On 60 Minutes.

[1:52:22] Uh-huh.

[1:52:24] But anyway, I wanted to recommend an indie vampire movie.

[1:52:28] And I wanted to recognize the recently deceased George A. Romero.

[1:52:32] Oh, yeah.

[1:52:32] And mention his vampire movie, Martin.

[1:52:35] Which is not the easiest one to find right now.

[1:52:38] But you can find it.

[1:52:39] I used to own a VHS copy of it for years.

[1:52:41] And sadly gave it away when I got rid of my VHS collection.

[1:52:45] But it's a great movie about a guy who is convinced he's a vampire.

[1:52:50] He does not have fangs.

[1:52:53] He doesn't.

[1:52:54] He can go out in the sun.

[1:52:54] He doesn't have the supernatural elements of being a vampire.

[1:52:57] But he's convinced he has it.

[1:52:59] And his relatives are convinced he's a vampire.

[1:53:01] And it's kind of about the loneliness and isolation from society.

[1:53:07] That humans and vampires share.

[1:53:10] But that also might drive someone to identify with being a vampire.

[1:53:13] Rather than maybe admitting their situation for real.

[1:53:18] But whether he's an actual vampire or not.

[1:53:20] I'll let you watch the movie to find out.

[1:53:22] That's Martin.

[1:53:23] So you're.

[1:53:24] George Romero.

[1:53:25] Recommending the TV show Martin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:26] I've always been trying to.

[1:53:28] Martin Lawrence.

[1:53:28] Track that one down.

[1:53:29] And it's just really hard to find.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:32] It can be very hard to find.

[1:53:33] Stuart if I realized that I would have given you my VHS copy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:36] But I don't have a VHS player.

[1:53:37] So I guess I'd have to like.

[1:53:38] Just like run it by my eyes real fast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:41] Just look at the magnetic tape.

[1:53:43] Yeah.

[1:53:43] And see what it looks like.

[1:53:44] Yeah.

[1:53:45] I wonder if there's some way to find online.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:46] But if it's ever playing in a theater near you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:48] Listeners or Stuart.

[1:53:49] It is well worth going to go see.

[1:53:51] It's a really good movie.

[1:53:52] What?

[1:53:53] And it's too bad that it's so hard to find.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:55] Those old Romero movies are hard to find in general.

[1:53:57] Like it's kind of hard to see the crazies.

[1:53:59] It's hard to see Knight Riders.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:00] Like I don't know.

[1:54:01] The crazies in Knight Riders at least have been.

[1:54:03] They've had a.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:04] DVD release.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:05] Knight Riders is hard to find.

[1:54:06] Like was it called The Coven?

[1:54:08] That one's really hard to find.

[1:54:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:54:09] Sometimes.

[1:54:11] Or like whatever the name of it is.

[1:54:13] The but.

[1:54:15] Or was.

[1:54:15] It's like the crazies they at least re-released not too long ago.

[1:54:19] Yeah.

[1:54:19] But.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:21] There was.

[1:54:22] Does it have to do with like.

[1:54:23] Like the right stuff.

[1:54:25] Like.

[1:54:26] After.

[1:54:27] Night of the Living Dead.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:27] When the movie The Right Stuff came out.

[1:54:29] They were like no more George Romero movies.

[1:54:31] We're only making movies about NASA now.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:37] Guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:38] But I think it is.

[1:54:38] I think it's a.

[1:54:39] I think it's a.

[1:54:40] A rights situation.

[1:54:42] Let's wrap things up.

[1:54:43] As opposed to Night of the Living Dead.

[1:54:44] Which is in the public domain.

[1:54:45] Yeah.

[1:54:46] And.

[1:54:46] Entered the public domain.

[1:54:48] Instantly when it was released.

[1:54:49] Because of this.

[1:54:49] They didn't put the copyright on the.

[1:54:51] On the film itself.

[1:54:52] Which is crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:54] Yep.

[1:54:54] Some lazy title card.

[1:54:56] Writer.

[1:54:57] Did not put the copyright on.

[1:54:58] And.

Dan McCoy

[1:54:59] The rest is history.

[1:55:00] And yet.

[1:55:00] Meanwhile.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:00] Sicilian vampires.

[1:55:02] Halvin Frank D'Angelo.

[1:55:03] Rake in the millions.

[1:55:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:05] Uh.

[1:55:06] Guys.

[1:55:06] Let's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:07] Guys.

[1:55:07] I want to admit something.

[1:55:08] Okay.

[1:55:08] After seeing this movie.

[1:55:09] Yep.

[1:55:10] When we go to our Toronto show.

[1:55:11] I really want to go eat dinner at the.

[1:55:12] Forget about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:13] Yeah.

[1:55:13] No shit.

[1:55:14] We're totally going there.

[1:55:15] Ha.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:18] Totally go.

[1:55:19] Yeah.

[1:55:19] Got to make a reservation now.

[1:55:22] I don't know whether we need to make a reservation.

[1:55:24] Um.

[1:55:25] Let's.

[1:55:25] Uh.

[1:55:26] Close up the old flop house.

[1:55:28] Okay.

[1:55:28] Put the.

[1:55:29] Lock the door.

[1:55:30] Lock the door.

[1:55:30] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:31] Um.

[1:55:32] Close the creaky door.

[1:55:33] Rattle the keys.

[1:55:34] Rattle.

[1:55:35] Rattle.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:36] Thank you.

[1:55:36] Rattle.

[1:55:37] Rattle.

[1:55:37] Thank you for joining us.

[1:55:38] As always.

[1:55:39] Uh.

[1:55:39] Go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:55:41] To hear a lot of other great shows.

[1:55:43] Mm-hmm.

[1:55:44] And uh.

[1:55:45] For the flop house.

[1:55:45] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:55:47] Hey.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:47] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:50] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:55:51] And I'm a vampire.

[1:55:52] Twist.

[1:55:52] Oh no.

[1:55:54] Bye.

[1:55:55] That crazy show at the King's Theater.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:03] My brother and me doing a podcast on a card table.

[1:56:08] On this huge stage in front of like 3,000 plus people.

[1:56:12] I'm never going to forget the image of John Hodgman eating hummus with a spoon.

[1:56:19] Part of the show?

[1:56:21] Nope.

[1:56:21] That was in the back backstage while uh.

[1:56:24] When everybody ran over to see Still Buffering go on.

[1:56:28] He used that opportunity to go raid the hummus table.

[1:56:35] MaximumFun.org.

[1:56:37] Comedy and culture.

[1:56:38] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:39] Listener supported.

Ep. #240 - Sicilian Vampire

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description