Ep.#245 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time.

[0:06] The only movie with the word turtle twice in the title. Find another one, I dare you.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] How you doing there, Dan? Not great, but how are you?

[0:46] I'm good, because I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:48] Oh, okay.

[0:49] And I'm in the middle, Elliot Kalin.

[0:51] I'm doing pretty good in my personal life, but I'm a little worried about the world situation.

[0:55] Average it out to a gentleman C+.

[0:58] Okay.

[0:59] That's not bad, you know. I mean, if that's like your grade for gym, that's okay.

[1:05] Do you grade people at gym?

[1:07] Was your gym pass-fail grade?

[1:10] Yes. Yeah, gym, I think, is almost always pass-fail.

[1:14] I feel like I got...

[1:15] You think that gym teachers just sit in his office at night grading, what, your times on the shuttle runs?

[1:22] It's not just that, right? Don't you also have to, like, fill out tests about, like, what are the rules to hockey?

[1:28] Yeah.

[1:29] No.

[1:30] Or how to do a pull-up best?

[1:32] It's a five-paragraph essay about pull-ups.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:36] And I wrote mine on diapers, the pull-up diapers, and that was not what he wanted.

[1:40] Although much more useful in your daily life, right?

[1:43] Oh, yeah, I use that information all the time.

[1:45] People say you don't learn what you're going to use in...

[1:47] You don't use what you learn in gym in your regular life, but I did with that essay on pull-up diapers.

[1:51] That's the thing. Like, Dan told me the first time you walked into the Daily Show as a head writer,

[1:56] you had just pulled up your diaper and you said, I'm a big kid now.

[2:00] I said, Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid now.

[2:03] Oh, I'm sorry for misquoting you.

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:06] It was a weird power move, but we all, you know, it worked.

[2:12] We all showed him the respect afforded someone who could use a diaper.

[2:16] Use a potty, Dan.

[2:19] The diaper is just there as an emergency backup.

[2:22] Okay, yeah.

[2:24] Think of it as a fire extinguisher in your pants.

[2:29] Sure, I will, I guess.

[2:31] Very useful in case your pocket catches on fire.

[2:34] Yeah, I guess that's right.

[2:37] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[2:39] There's that question that I...

[2:40] Wait, I have a better question.

[2:42] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:43] Okay.

[2:44] Yep, answer his first.

[2:45] All right, to the gentleman on Skype,

[2:48] I will say that this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie

[2:52] and then we talk about it.

[2:53] And to the gentleman directly to my right,

[2:56] this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:59] Okay.

[3:00] I have one follow-up.

[3:01] What movie did we watch this time?

[3:04] We watched a movie called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3.

[3:08] Now, wait, wait, wait, let me see.

[3:10] I think I have a question.

[3:11] This is the question my wife Charlene asked me when I was watching this movie.

[3:15] Yeah.

[3:16] Why the fuck was I watching that movie?

[3:19] Well, so we're doing another pod crawl with some fellow podcasts.

[3:25] One of them is Read It and Weep.

[3:26] I'm not really sure what the other one was.

[3:28] I should have found that out.

[3:32] Yeah, I hope it was not Louis C.K. and Harvey Weinstein's white nationalism podcast.

[3:39] Yeah, it's their podcast If True.

[3:46] If True.

[3:47] Yeah, so between the three podcasts,

[3:49] we're watching all three of the old style Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies.

[3:54] And you can go to podcrawl.space.

[3:57] That's podcrawl.space to have all of the podcasts lumped together on a convenient website.

[4:04] Is that where all the space websites are located?

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:08] It's Neil deGrasse Tyson's website.

[4:11] God damn it.

[4:12] I don't want to support that guy.

[4:14] I don't know why you said that, but I'm sure with the way the news is going, we'll find out some reason not to support him.

[4:20] I mean there's already been allegations against him recently.

[4:22] Oh, great.

[4:23] Oh, really?

[4:24] I didn't know about that.

[4:25] Yikes.

[4:26] What is it with these Tyson boys?

[4:27] Neil deGrasse Tyson, Mike Tyson, Tyson Chicken.

[4:30] They all have their problems.

[4:32] Yep.

[4:33] Let's stay away from this.

[4:35] So, Dan, you're saying that – Rita Weep is doing what?

[4:38] Ninja Turtle is the first one?

[4:40] I think that they're doing the second one.

[4:43] Okay, Secret of the Ooze.

[4:45] I think that the Unknown Podcast is doing the first.

[4:48] Man, you're going to have a fun time editing the name of this podcast into our show.

[4:53] I love the lack of research on Dan's part.

[4:56] So just to set the – so this is part three of the podcrawl, the final part, the denouement, if you will.

[5:03] At this point, just to lay in the backstory on the turtles, our favorite foursome, the fab four, some might say,

[5:10] the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have emerged in New York in the first film, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,

[5:15] and made friends with April O'Neil, local reporter.

[5:18] Then in the second movie, they discovered the secret of the ooze in the aptly titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2,

[5:24] The Secret of the Ooze, which also introduced us to Toca, Razor, Super Shredder, and also Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap.

[5:30] And now it brings us all the way to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time, as I insist it is called.

[5:37] Guys, I found out what the name of the third podcast is.

[5:41] Oh, great.

[5:42] It's Too Beautiful to Live, and I apologize to them for not having that information on hand earlier.

[5:48] It wasn't in the original email that I got, so I just forgot to look it up.

[5:52] So your mouth is saying you apologize, but your face is saying, I don't care.

[5:57] Guys, no one on the podcast can see my face.

[6:00] You're throwing me under the bus.

[6:02] Just to defend Dan, Too Beautiful to Live, I just want to defend Dan that how could he remember to look up the information ahead of time?

[6:08] He's only been doing this podcast for a decade.

[6:11] He's only done this podcast for longer than anyone can legally be president of the United States.

[6:19] So you talked a little bit about the extended cast in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe, but I think you forgot the breakout star, Casey Jones, played by teen heartthrob Elias Kodeas.

[6:34] Was he a teen heartthrob?

[6:36] I mean, now, isn't he?

[6:38] He's on all those Chicago fire shows.

[6:40] Oh, okay.

[6:41] Teens love Chicago fire shows.

[6:45] I was watching this with my wife, as I mentioned, and in between looking at her iPad to play Solitaire, she looked up at the screen every once in a while, and she saw Casey Jones come on screen, and she's like, where do I know that guy from?

[7:03] And I had to do the research and let her know that he's in all of her favorite Chicago shows.

[7:08] He's in a lot of great stuff, and he's in Zodiac.

[7:11] He's a great actor.

[7:12] He's in a lot of good stuff.

[7:13] He's awesome.

[7:14] What are all of her favorite Chicago shows?

[7:17] Chicago Fire, Chicago Law, Chicago PD, and Chicago Med.

[7:22] I named them all.

[7:23] Wow.

[7:24] You did it.

[7:25] But they're all like – it's like the fucking MCU over there, but it's in Chicago.

[7:30] Okay.

[7:31] It's a world where Chicago is a city.

[7:35] And people can live in it and go from different – like, interact in different careers.

[7:42] Like the same way that Hulk shows up in Thor Ragnarok in Chicago, someone else who lives in Chicago might show up.

[7:49] Sure.

[7:50] Just because they're there.

[7:52] I mean it happens.

[7:53] Yeah.

[7:55] Don't take my word for it.

[7:57] Check out Chicago at your local library.

[7:59] Okay, guys.

[8:01] Let's get into this movie because the great thing about Teenage Mutant Turtles 3, Turtles in Time, is that we've reached the third chapter in the series.

[8:09] And in most movie series, the third chapter is when the movies kind of have run out of ideas and start going a little bonkers.

[8:16] Sometimes that can be great, as in the aforementioned Thor Ragnarok, in which they decide what makes the most sense for this ancient god.

[8:25] I guess we'll throw him in a space battle in like a space gladiator contest on the other side of the universe.

[8:31] And it works out great.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:35] Did you see the statue face of Beta Ray Bill on that planet?

[8:40] Oh, yeah.

[8:41] And the bi-beast was on there, but I was super – I was –

[8:43] Did you start running around the theater, pointing at the screen, telling everybody, Beta Ray Bill, Beta Ray Bill?

[8:48] And there was a man thing.

[8:50] The only problem I had with Beta Ray Bill's face showing up on that building was it told me Beta Ray Bill is not going to be appearing in the mid-credits reveal scene because I was holding out hope that he was going to show up.

[9:03] Because I love that guy so much, that horse-faced alien.

[9:06] I love Beta Ray Bill.

[9:08] Anyway, so the first movie in the series, they introduce the characters.

[9:12] Who are these guys?

[9:13] Second movie in the series, they delve into the origins.

[9:16] Third movie, it's like, what do we do with these guys?

[9:19] And in this case, they decided to send them backwards in time to feudal Japan because why not?

[9:24] It's organic to the Turtle franchise.

[9:26] That first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie came out at the perfect time for me.

[9:31] I was at the right age to be like, I am super into this movie.

[9:35] And then the second one came out just slightly too late for me.

[9:41] I definitely felt like I was a slightly older kid going to a little kid's movie.

[9:47] And then this one, I didn't see in the theater because at that point, it had passed me by quite a bit.

[9:53] See, I'm a couple years younger than you, so the first two movies were right in my sweet spot.

[9:58] First movie, wait, they're making a movie?

[10:00] Movie about the Ninja Turtles my favorite characters in the world and I had to go see it second one

[10:05] This is gonna be great. I love it

[10:07] Yeah

[10:07] Grandma, take me to Ninja Turtles 2 secret of the use because I made my grandmother sit through the whole movie and then by the time

[10:13] Turtles 3 came out. I had that feeling of like I should be too old for this, but I'm gonna go see it. Anyway

[10:19] I'm feeling like I was seeing a little kid movie. So you see this one previous you see this

[10:24] This I saw this in the theaters

[10:26] Since I didn't see it since I saw the theaters, but it was amazing how I didn't remember a lot of it

[10:32] But there were moments in it where I was like, I remember that moment

[10:34] Yeah, so you when the you waited in line go back through time in their underpants. Yeah

[10:40] So you waited in line for hours and days just to get into a screen in this movie. I set up a tent

[10:47] Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure. What year is this 93? Yeah as an 11 year old

[10:50] I just set up that pup tent and and

[10:53] Camped out for days and my parents were like you have to come home

[10:56] Child service is gonna take you away if you don't come home and I said no

[11:00] I gotta see Turtles. I gotta see the Turtles go in time as is in the title of the film. Yeah

[11:06] Yeah, I just saw the first movie in the theater. I

[11:10] I

[11:11] Was probably even a little too old to be going to see the first movie at the time in the theater

[11:17] But my friend was like hey

[11:19] I gotta do something with this guy. Yeah with this 14 year old

[11:23] I know I do think it was like a case where like my friend was gonna go see a movie and that was the

[11:28] Acceptable movie to his parents for us to see so I'm just like yeah, I don't go see movies. This is great

[11:33] I love movies any kind of movie give it to me

[11:37] Yep, your friends like okay, Dan

[11:39] I guess I'll take you to this thing and I was surprised I enjoyed the first one more than I thought I think mostly cuz

[11:45] I don't know. Like this is like Hanson Creek Jim Henson creature effects for the

[11:50] Turtles in the first and the first. Yeah, this this one is noticeably cheaper, but they kind of had like

[11:57] Kind of charming or ambitious in spoke. Yeah

[12:00] Yeah, now is it now when you say noticeably cheaper? Does that include the grotesque quality of the Turtles mouth movements?

[12:09] You found that grotesque I you know, I found something weirdly

[12:14] It's kind of like Odysseus and the sirens like I

[12:19] Had Charlene tie me to the couch. So I didn't walk to the screen and smash my face into their mouths

[12:29] But uh, so let's talk so Ninja Turtles, let me just say we're off the bat

[12:33] I've lost track with them let that to be honest, but when I was a kid, I was a call just catch up

[12:39] Yeah, I got a call up Donatello my favorite I was a huge shellhead as a kid watch the show religiously

[12:44] I collected all the toys couldn't wait for the movies like Ninja Turtles is one of those things where I

[12:50] Like my whole life was about it when I was like eight

[12:54] Do you play the TMNT arcade game? Oh

[12:57] Yeah all the time. Yeah, I

[13:00] Spent I there was a roller skating rink near my house that had the TMNT the big arcade game and I used to just

[13:06] Pump quarters into that. I don't know how much my college money went went into that that could have been gone into giving me an education

[13:12] but uh

[13:13] That but now it's one of those things where I'm like, I still enjoy Ninja Turtle related stuff every now and then I guess like

[13:20] And they reboot the comic books

[13:21] Sometimes I'll check it out, but it boggles my mind that there are people my age who are still like, yeah

[13:27] I'm a huge Ninja Turtles fan. I'm all about Ninja Turtles. That seems crazy to me

[13:32] Now is is your attitude based on just general turtle stuff

[13:37] Or is it based on say the quality of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 turtles in time?

[13:44] Wait my attitude of why what not really being that into it. Yeah

[13:48] Yeah

[13:48] Is it based on like just you you are now too old to appreciate the basic qualities of the Ninja Turtles or?

[13:56] Apparently not because as we'll find out we talk at the movie

[13:59] I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I was going to

[14:02] Know it's because I just grew up and I got into grown-up things like Frank Miller Frank Miller's run on daredevil

[14:08] Stuff, you know

[14:10] Stuff that the stuff that Terry's mutant Ninja Turtles originally was kind of parodying. Yeah, exactly. I

[14:17] Said why am I dealing with the adaptation when I can go straight to the source now?

[14:21] Okay, let's talk about this particular movie though and keep in mind. You're talking to an original shellhead

[14:27] I'm looking right now. Actually, I can see on my bookcase my

[14:32] battered old collection of the original Eastman and Laird Ninja Turtles comics that I sent away for with cereal box tops to get and

[14:39] was

[14:40] Very traumatized by how violent it was when I arrived when it arrived in the mail. What which cereal was it?

[14:47] It was like turtle bits cereal or whatever. The Ninja Turtle cereal was called or Ninja Turtle cereal

[14:53] Was it like pizza flavored?

[14:56] No, but it had they was in the shape of pizza and little ninja nets

[15:03] Little shurikens, I'm amazed that that like that child's cereal would

[15:10] Send you the original Eastman and Laird comics. Well, that's rather than like some goofy like

[15:16] me too

[15:18] Yeah, well, I don't know sit like you're you're like a cool elite comics gamer, dude, right? Yeah

[15:25] Yeah, exactly

[15:26] the that cereal is like

[15:27] Oh this this cereal that's little candy pieces in the shape of ninja nets and and pizza slices

[15:33] This is just for the discerning independent black and white comics reader. But anyway, okay, let's get let's get back

[15:40] Is is not is did I eventually get that book signed by Peter Laird?

[15:43] Yes, I did, but let's move on to the onto the movie at hand. Okay

[15:47] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 turtles in time. Let's talk about this film because we have not for a while. Okay, we begin

[15:54] We begin in Japan

[15:56] 1603 and a samurai prince

[15:59] Yes, do we is there a title card that says Japan 1603 or am I just supposed to yes, there is. Okay

[16:07] says I

[16:08] Was looking at my phone. It was the end of a really important Kickstarter for me

[16:12] so I missed some parts, but I thought the movie was pretty cool by

[16:18] Just assuming the audience was smart enough to pick up on context clues

[16:23] There's a there's I mean there's a surprising amount of this movie where they're just like kids we expect you to know the basics of

[16:30] Of like samurai clan politics in Japan in the 16th 17th centuries

[16:35] You're supposed to you just need to know that this is a time of war in clans

[16:39] Although I thought it's a 1603 but on the Wikipedia entry it says

[16:43] 1593 so I don't know. Maybe they pushed it forward 10 years for the digital release. I don't know. Sure. But uh a

[16:50] There's a runaway there's a prince he's the son of Lord Norinaga who is a warring

[16:55] Daimyo, or you know clan headsman

[16:59] He's being chased by four samurai on horseback

[17:01] There's a lot of ADR yelling and it's all being watched by a lady bowman

[17:06] with a bow and arrow as they as

[17:09] These print as these samurais chase after this prince and capture him cut to the Turtles

[17:14] They're in their their hideout that they established. I think at the end of the second movie. That's like an abandoned train station

[17:20] And they spend a ton of time dancing around to a song that goes I can't stop rockin

[17:25] And now is that they do a lot of original script

[17:29] Do you think the script like describes their actions or they're just like 10 minutes of turtle goofing?

[17:36] I think it was like yeah step by it was like interior

[17:40] Abandoned train station the four turtles and their names are listed in their ages

[17:45] Dance in a in a conga line type arrangement to this to this song and then cut to

[17:50] Raphael jumps around showing off his weaponry cut to Leonardo jumps around showing off his weaponry

[17:55] Because they're all kind of showing off their weapons doing kids a really great way of it's a really great bit of exposition similar

[18:01] Like the Chris Claremont X-Men comics, right? Yeah. Yeah, we're a couple pages. He describes every character

[18:07] Every time storm sees like a small room. She goes. Oh, but I'm claustrophobic from when I was a child in Cairo

[18:14] Yep, and havoc is always faced with a situation where he could use his powers

[18:18] But he would totally smear the shit out of the person if he used it

[18:21] It's like I might accidentally blow up rogue or something and rogues like I wish I could touch you darling

[18:28] But my power the first time I ever used it. It stole my boyfriend's memory and put him in a coma

[18:33] It's like yeah rogue. You've told me like a hundred times

[18:37] Like rogue enough sharing anyway, sorry, I touched someone with memory loss

[18:42] No, and then I didn't know anything for a while I

[18:47] Touched that memento and now I remember things backwards

[18:52] That's not how that movie works rogue

[18:54] anyway, I

[18:57] Got a date with gambit tonight and yeah, it's like all home on booty at all

[19:03] Uh-huh. Yep

[19:05] How much longer we gonna do this bit

[19:10] We didn't even get the part Wolverine's like I gotta keep the animal inside me controlled that's the samurai way speaking of samurai

[19:17] Let's get back to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now. Here's something that I'm just gonna jump ahead for a moment

[19:21] Here's something the movie never really gets at

[19:24] Samurais and ninjas hate each other. Yeah. Yeah, so

[19:29] They there should be it does it just enters into it and it's almost like this movie was made by people who didn't really

[19:34] Get the difference between ninjas and samurais, but I mean you're bringing it you're bringing that up as if you're informing people

[19:41] But I think everybody already knows that ninjas and samurai are very different things. Oh, yeah

[19:46] Okay, one of them put a pin in that though

[19:48] One of them has has no honor and the other their entire life is for their clan and I'm you know

[19:55] Exactly. Let's put a pin in that though because Raphael gets mad while they're posing breaks their bones

[20:00] boombox he says he's tired of practicing that's when it he's a real hothead

[20:03] that's when that's a visit that's that's practicing

[20:06] but they're doing that

[20:07] i think it's yeah their practice a lot of the practicing involves did have

[20:11] saying to

[20:11] i can't stop rockin'

[20:14] april visits she's about to leave on vacation she is everybody gets

[20:18] and the gift she has for splinter is antique japanese lantern

[20:21] cut to seventeen century japan again

[20:24] and this is something that the movie does a lot i think it's hilarious

[20:27] which is it cuts between the present and the seventeenth century as if they

[20:30] are happening

[20:31] concurrently

[20:33] something will happen in the seventeenth century

[20:35] and then in present day they'll be like

[20:37] well well i can't believe it and it's like wait a minute you guys know that

[20:40] everything that happens every century was

[20:42] three hundred years before the events of the present right so

[20:45] they could just look up in a book what happens they don't need to be in

[20:48] suspense about it

[20:51] is this also the laziest way to like introduce uh... the inciting object of

[20:57] april just like wanders into the movie with gifts

[21:01] oh here's a gift it's a time-traveling wand

[21:04] it'll start to kick this movie off

[21:07] and she's like splinter loves old things here you go splinter

[21:12] it is very lazy i'll give you that

[21:14] especially when it turns out there's a prophecy involved

[21:17] there's a couple really great shots in this opening sequence where

[21:20] splinter is standing at this like desk

[21:23] while he's talking to the guys

[21:25] and he'll uh...

[21:27] he'll like slam his hands or he'll put his hands down on the top of the table

[21:31] and you can see his like rubber fingers clearly bending in weird angles

[21:37] well splinter you never see splinter from the waist down in this i think

[21:40] he's always behind a table or a door

[21:43] and it's clear i think that they just made the top half of the splinter costume

[21:46] i mean i think it's because he respects

[21:48] his co-workers yeah and they don't need to see him below the waist

[21:52] it's not necessary for his job

[21:54] i assumed it was because much like in a sitcom when the lead actress is pregnant

[21:58] splinter was pregnant but they didn't want to write that in for the character

[22:01] so they just framed him behind grocery bags or like standing behind a couch

[22:05] yeah they didn't sneak in any references in the second one where like splinter is

[22:09] like barfing

[22:10] because anytime somebody barfs in a movie you're like pregnant

[22:14] yeah that's what it means

[22:15] uh... there's also here's something i want to mention here

[22:18] they make the turtles and this is

[22:20] i found very realistic for teenagers

[22:23] they're just like obnoxious joke machines

[22:25] they're always making stupid wisecracks that are not funny

[22:29] but they're always making pop culture references that are like too old for the

[22:32] target audience there's a lot of like elvis references

[22:35] later they make a bunch of clint eastwood references

[22:38] and like at one point when they show up in the past they're like

[22:40] dudes we're in shogun and it's like no kid knows what shogun is like come on

[22:45] it's

[22:47] it's this weird movie where it's like

[22:50] they really tapped into the obnoxiousness of teenagers but then they

[22:53] gave them the frame of reference of

[22:55] the forty-year-old man that i assume wrote the movie

[22:59] so how did they overlook that dan

[23:01] how did they overlook that in their research

[23:02] uh... i'm not sure but i wanted to say that you had a killer

[23:07] teenage mutant ninja turtle voice there and i say

[23:09] voice because all of the turtles sound exactly alike

[23:12] except for the one that's obviously corey feltman right

[23:17] yeah donatello

[23:19] their voices except for the one that's

[23:21] yeah clearly corey feltman are indistinguishable

[23:24] and like say what you want the original animated series it's a goofy show

[23:27] but they have such distinct voices in that

[23:30] and like

[23:31] i feel like when i think about the turtles those are the voices that i hear

[23:35] why didn't they just hire those guys you know what was that all about

[23:39] they're not big enough

[23:41] clearly they weren't big enough

[23:44] they needed big stars like corey feltman

[23:46] and doing voiceover work for a cartoon is very different

[23:50] from doing voiceover work for like a horrible animatronic monster

[23:54] now

[23:55] where the mouth moves like a claymation figure that has come to life

[24:00] and also had a stroke

[24:03] yeah where both eyes are moving independently and uh...

[24:08] one of the things i remember about the first movie is that it was lit very

[24:11] darkly

[24:14] you know that covered up a bunch of the sins of the makeup effects

[24:18] whereas this movie they're like everything's in broad daylight it's like

[24:22] a sitcom lighting in this thing

[24:24] it's just a general wash of brightness

[24:28] you know what i just looked up on wikipedia and realized so the music in

[24:30] this movie which is not bad the score is not terrible

[24:33] was done by john dupree

[24:35] or john dupree who now is like eric idol's musical partner

[24:39] that they do all of eric idol's musical stuff that's who he works with i had no idea

[24:42] so that's probably how he got the gig

[24:45] yeah but eric idol was like

[24:47] i'm too busy to do the music for this ninja turtles movie you do it john

[24:51] or is that how they met eric idol was in one of the turtle costumes

[24:54] yeah he was one of the dancers

[24:58] well that explains the ending of this movie where all the turtles are crucified and they sing that song together

[25:03] yeah dan

[25:04] because that's yeah sure okay

[25:06] i don't know why that one didn't work for you but dan i know it's a

[25:10] reference to monty python's life of brian but crucifixion was also a punishment in

[25:14] fetal japan so

[25:15] it was a real danger for them and i appreciate a little bit of sensitivity

[25:19] i'm assuming our listeners are

[25:21] in a child's movie these turtles will be crucified

[25:25] i'm assuming our listeners are zipping over to deviantart to double check that there hasn't been any

[25:31] any crucified turtles work

[25:33] yeah while sonic and knuckles cry at their feet

[25:37] we go back to the seventeenth century we know that this is where the bad guy lives because there's bad guy music playing

[25:42] courtesy of john dupree

[25:43] and uh... the prince argues with his dad lord norinaga

[25:46] you're waging war and i don't like it

[25:48] and the dad is being supported by an englishman named walker who's a kind of

[25:52] gunrunner pirate

[25:53] with a crew of

[25:54] ridiculously cartoonish

[25:56] kind of pirate henchmen

[25:59] and walker's delivering guns and ships just like lafayette did in uh...

[26:03] in hamilton

[26:04] uh... the prince throws a fit he doesn't like it and he knocks over a statue

[26:08] revealing a magic lantern

[26:10] that's the same lantern that april o'neil is holding in our time

[26:13] and that lantern glows

[26:14] a scroll opens up that shows the four turtle boys

[26:18] as if they've appeared in ancient japan before

[26:21] and the prince asks the lantern to open wide the gates of time

[26:24] because i guess he knew already what it was just by looking at it

[26:28] at some point he was like oh there it is i forgot where i put my magic time

[26:31] traveling wand lantern with a little spinny thing in it

[26:35] maybe he was reading some text that was written on the wand

[26:39] oh that's possible that could have been a little clearer but maybe that's what it is

[26:42] uh... dan what is it with magic implements having their inscriptions

[26:45] just written on it

[26:46] and then people reading it out loud instead of reading it to themselves like

[26:50] you normally would read anything that you see for the first time

[26:53] your problem is that they uh...

[26:56] speak it out loud that all these readers are

[27:00] uh... like reading as if they're children rather than

[27:03] the problem being that you think that they should have a separate instruction

[27:05] manual for these things

[27:08] i mean it would be safer if they did but

[27:10] i mean i'm a little tired of these performative

[27:12] magic item handlers

[27:14] oh yeah

[27:15] we're like i get it dude you want our attention

[27:18] you're the one holding the magical scepter

[27:21] but it's like anytime someone like in the evil dead type stuff anyone

[27:24] oh i found this old book what does it say hmm clad 2 barada nipto

[27:28] corpus modundum

[27:30] and then the dead rise up and it's like when have you ever opened a book alone

[27:33] and just started reading aloud from it

[27:35] every day at barnes and nobles dude

[27:37] that's when they kick you out of barnes and nobles

[27:41] naruto says

[27:45] to quote naruto

[27:48] is that what you're talking about

[27:52] so you're like narrating to yourself

[27:54] what's happening in like describing the panel for all the other guys that are

[27:58] sitting in the aisle

[28:00] are you talking about the

[28:01] the uh... superhero poet pablo naruto

[28:06] he wears that metal headband thing and he's got like whiskers drawn on his face

[28:11] yeah exactly

[28:12] uh... anyway

[28:14] you guessed it

[28:15] of all the times in time

[28:17] for this magic gate to open up to it opens up to when april o'neil is holding

[28:22] we see a little bit of my favorite thing in movies which is

[28:25] eighties uh... electrical effects when there's like bolts of magic electricity

[28:29] flying around that were hand animated on

[28:31] i love those go watch ghostbusters it's full of them

[28:33] go watch big trouble in lull china

[28:36] howard the duck has a bunch it's really great

[28:38] uh... and she switches places and clothes

[28:41] with the prince because much like the terminator i guess this magic wand can

[28:45] only send i guess organic materials through the mail of time

[28:49] yeah well luckily also they're the same size

[28:51] they'd like the clothes fit

[28:53] beautifully

[28:54] but no she also sent back with her walkman unless that guy has the same

[28:59] walkman

[29:00] well considering later she is considered a witch because she has a walkman i

[29:05] think it's probably not his walkman the prince's walkman my favorite thing too

[29:10] when the walkman starts playing and like all the samurai are like

[29:15] what is this

[29:16] witchery and they like

[29:17] take their swords and hit the walkman uh...

[29:20] it does that thing

[29:21] that happens in movies where the song just sort of winds down

[29:27] and i'm like that's not what would happen

[29:31] as soon as you break the machine

[29:33] it works like a record player

[29:36] uh... i love that

[29:38] yeah that's pretty good so

[29:40] uh... the japanese prince he sees the ninja turtles and is like ah kappas

[29:43] ah because he thinks of course that they are

[29:45] turtle demons that what live in rivers and they have bowls on their head

[29:49] and if you can get them to bow

[29:51] they're either that or the popular clothing like sports clothing line that

[29:55] has the two mudflap girls back to back

[29:58] is that called kappas

[30:00] Kappa yeah

[30:01] Kappa, I'm not familiar with it's kind of like it's not like umbro or something. It would be a soccer shorts

[30:06] I don't you a big I mean you have kind of have the body for soccer shorts Elliot. I'm surprised you don't thank you

[30:12] I have been

[30:14] Complimented on my legs there was a time to this happen to you guys

[30:16] There was a time in middle school when every kid in my town was wearing umbros all the time

[30:22] Just as regular shorts, and there was a there was a run on umbros at the local store kicks and sticks local sporting goods store

[30:29] And but are they talking about wait are sticks referring to your legs?

[30:33] No, no there that was for like feel like hockey sticks and stuff

[30:36] Yeah, okay, and but then all of a sudden like six months later. Nobody was wearing umbros

[30:42] It was lame to wear umbros

[30:45] What was that all about and kicks and sticks had overordered and now they're just sitting on this waist Elliot

[30:50] You're actually assuming that there was ever a time when I was a child when I was aware of what was cool

[30:55] And what was not cool to wear?

[30:57] But you were into that hyper color stuff right so you knew what was cool body glove shirts all that stuff

[31:02] Uh-huh, yeah, but he had a huge woody shirt instead of a big Johnson shirt, so he looks like a real no

[31:08] Yeah, that's nerdy you need big Johnson. Yeah, what Dan what co-ed naked sport? Did you wear the shirt up?

[31:14] Hurling yeah, go ahead

[31:18] Yeah

[31:19] Make it improv, and then it would be like yeah, it's always yes, and yeah

[31:24] a

[31:26] Reference that young Stewart would never have gotten I

[31:30] Wasn't allowed to wear those shirts

[31:33] the other shirt that I had to turn inside out because I wore it to school was a

[31:38] they had a t-shirt for the band tool because it had a

[31:42] a phallus shaped wrench on the back I

[31:46] Say did you guys ever have to know sure?

[31:50] We're like half an hour into this

[31:53] Thing we have in my school Dan. I have a story. That's very relevant, okay?

[31:58] There was a time when my school band Simpsons t-shirts because the simp Bart Simpson was a bad influence, but could you wear the ones?

[32:05] Yeah, the bootleg ones, but otherwise kids were just wearing big Johnson and woody t-shirts was crazy

[32:11] And I think the adults just didn't get it anyway

[32:14] So let's get back to the movie the Japanese princess appeared and splinter and the Turtles figure out what's happened incredibly easily

[32:21] They're like whoa he must have traveled through time

[32:23] Why do they why do they make fun of the way?

[32:25] He's dressed because April was just wearing those fucking clothes

[32:29] Because they look ridiculous on a dude jeans and leather jacket and a t-shirt come on nobody wears that why do they keep calling him James?

[32:36] Dean doesn't it like they call

[32:38] They call April O'Neill James Dean to they might I mean it's possible. They thought James Dean showed up

[32:45] I don't know

[32:46] They're turtles who knows how they see the world

[32:48] But I there was a moment where I was like that's pretty lazy that they figured it out easily

[32:52] And I was like oh wait a minute

[32:54] That's a huge relief that we don't have to go through scene after scene of them trying to figure out that what happened

[33:00] They just instantly are like oh she got displaced in time by this Japanese guy. Well. We got to go save her

[33:06] Meanwhile the Japanese think that April's a witch because of her Walkman

[33:09] They also think she kidnapped the prince, but Walker the English pirate for some reason knows

[33:15] She's not a witch immediately. He's just he just calls her bluff

[33:19] Donatello in the present figures out that it involves equal mass

[33:23] Transference and they only have 60 hours to save April before she's stuck in Japan forever

[33:28] And that's when Mikey brings in you guessed it Stewart's favorite

[33:33] Casey Jones as Elias Cotius to just watch the prince while they go back in time

[33:38] I guess that's the scene where it just walks in and he's like

[33:41] Look who I brought in and then like yeah, he literally just says hey dudes

[33:45] I brought a little backup and then he like slides into the scene and every then the whole crowd goes fucking wild like people

[33:51] Yeah, it's a real. It's a real Kramer moment

[33:54] He just goes whoa whoa in the audience wait when the crowds like yelling at him for being racist

[33:58] No, no, that's a Michael Richards moment. I'm at a Kramer moment. Yeah

[34:04] April gets locked in a dungeon with an English pirate mutineer who looks a lot like Casey Jones with a beard on and short hair

[34:10] Which means nothing like Casey Jones, and I would not have recognized him if she didn't go Casey

[34:17] Just shows you what a master of disguise Elias Cotius is

[34:20] It turns out that the prince is in love with Mitsu the leader of the rebellion against Lord or Lord Narnaga

[34:26] the Turtles go back in time they replaced Lord Narnaga's bodyguard in the middle of a battle and

[34:32] Did you want to see people in bulky turtle suits ride around clumsily on horses?

[34:36] While wisecracks are ADR'd onto the soundtrack

[34:41] And you got it because that's what it happens

[34:45] the Turtles almost instantly lose Michelangelo who is kidnapped by Mitsu and

[34:51] Somebody takes the scepter the magic timeline, but we don't know who and it's it's tough because you know

[34:58] Those Turtles the majority of their acting comes from their mouths, but now they're wearing these weird masks

[35:03] So they have to do extra eye acting to get across those jokes movements

[35:07] Yeah, yeah those hilarious with the hilarious jokes that are basically just comparing everyone to Elvis and there was one

[35:14] Line in it that where they're like, oh my Japanese isn't so good Mitsubishi

[35:18] Subaru and it's like dude, I'm offended that this that's in the movie, but also your master is Japanese

[35:26] One maybe he didn't teach Japanese but have some respect for his culture, you know, like but I guess they're teenagers they're all about

[35:33] Rebelling against their authority figures discipline and values. So, you know what? I get it. It makes sense in character

[35:38] I rejected even as a joke premise

[35:40] Like what do the Turtles think that they're trying to say by saying those car like they are aware that they're not gonna be communicating

[35:46] Anything. Yeah, it's like that time Dan and I were playing Mike Tyson's punch-out and piston Honda came up and they had piston Honda's quote

[35:53] And he's just saying a bunch of Japanese words and Dan's like fuck you Nintendo

[35:57] Yeah, it's exactly like that when that happened, but I'm sorry I miss that time

[36:03] Sounds like you had a great time with that

[36:08] That was another it was another installment in Dan's xenophobic Nintendo memories

[36:16] There's also the time this is not xenophobic the time you were playing Metroid and you're like can't wait to see how this cool

[36:21] Dude underneath his helmet

[36:22] He must be such a cool masculine, dude, and you saw that Samus Aran was a woman and you were like fucked it shit

[36:29] You tricked me

[36:32] Girl all this time the Nintendo's flying out the window going really makes you think

[36:40] It was worth the sacrifice you sent a very angry letter to then president of Nintendo of America Howard Lincoln

[36:48] I

[36:50] Think that was his name. I don't know. I just know him from that cartoon. That was a Nintendo power where he and

[36:56] Like what was the you're thinking of you're thinking of Nestor Nestor. No, but he always like talked to Howard

[37:03] Yeah, yeah, that's true. Oh, I never even put two and two together that that's who that Howard that was who it was

[37:08] I thought it was Howard the duck turned into a person

[37:12] Yeah, I thought it was Howard from Howard's end. I

[37:16] Thought it was Howard from Howard's head the sequel to Herman's head

[37:20] Any sequels the TV shows now? Yeah. Sure. Will and Grace

[37:25] So anyway, that was the sequel to will

[37:28] Okay

[37:29] Anyway, I'm just gonna say right here this movie this feature film has a very TV movie feel

[37:36] It very much feels this is the Golan Globus version of the of the sequel like the Superman for one where you're like, okay

[37:42] This is a noticeably cheaper movie than the last one

[37:44] But as Stewart said very ambitious because we learned that Walker is pushing

[37:50] Naranaga to buy more guns, but Naranaga he wants this missing scepter because it has time-travel powers and it's magical

[37:56] It belongs to his clan and if he loses it, that's huge dishonor in his clan

[37:59] The Turtles free April from the dungeon mainly by fat shaming the dungeon guard, which I also did not approve. Oh, yeah, that was wild

[38:07] There's a lot of their jokes and there's a couple scenes where they're sneaking into because they're ninjas

[38:11] they were sneaking into the castle and

[38:14] Like guards would show up and then the Ninja Turtles would just like lazily swap them and knock them over

[38:22] Yeah, they're they're really not giving I mean the Turtles are supposed to be fighting machines, but you're not giving us a lot of

[38:28] faith in this

[38:30] Special bodyguard for Lord Naranaga. His army is staffed entirely by incompetence who can't stand up in their own armor

[38:37] There's so many wisecracks at this point, you can't even hear all of them

[38:40] They're just like overlapping each other into a rich blanket of wisecracks

[38:44] They escaped from the dungeon into the muck pile of the castle and they slip around in the mud forever

[38:50] You mean it takes them forever when they slip into that muck pile. They literally say

[38:55] Oh, no, not another sewer or something and it's like but you guys live in the sewer

[39:01] You should it should feel like home to you. Well, I guess maybe they're getting at that

[39:05] They don't want to live in the sewer. They don't choose to live there, you know, and it's kind of like in

[39:09] I mean, there's still be some level of comfort unless I guess the sewer is tied in with some level of trauma

[39:15] I mean there they are

[39:17] Turtles and a rat. I mean if they're not comfortable the sewer then where are they gonna be comfortable?

[39:22] I don't know

[39:24] You're making a lot of assumptions here

[39:26] And that's maybe it's easy from you with your white male privilege to assume that turtles and rats. They already live in sewers

[39:33] They must love sewers and do that by choice

[39:35] That's no Dan look at the social the social forces that are forcing them to live in the sewer like

[39:41] speciesism

[39:42] racism

[39:44] Anti ninja sentiment. Yeah, that's not fair. Yeah that that's the I can't remember how often I've heard people say those ninjas

[39:52] Belong in the sewers. Yeah, Dan's always like we walk by a sewer sewer grate and there's a pile of empty pizza boxes and Dan's

[39:58] like oh

[40:00] Always eat all the pizzas in the sewers

[40:03] Yes, there once was a time when you didn't have to worry about ninjas in your sewers back in the good old days

[40:09] Anyway, they let we go to

[40:12] The village where Michelangelo has been captured by the rebels. We don't stay there long Raphael and the turtles

[40:18] They're looking for Michelangelo mainly by wandering through the forest yelling Michelangelo

[40:22] Raphael loves how clean everything is. It's not the sewer. It's fresh air

[40:26] So Dan you consider yourself refuted the movie literally has them talk about how much they like that. They're not in the sewer. Oh

[40:33] God

[40:35] but they're attacked by villagers, but everything's okay when they reveal their turtles because when the when the villagers see that they're turtles rather than saying ah

[40:43] Monsters and fighting harder instead. They're like, it's cool

[40:45] Everybody they're turtles and don't worry everyone in this Japanese village in the 17th century speaks English. So it's totally cool

[40:51] Okay, because they met Michelangelo already so like that's why they're cool with these other turtles he what any what taught them English

[41:00] Like early on the Prince start speaking English and

[41:04] They like real like right away. They explain like oh, yeah back back then in feudal

[41:11] Japan they had some trading partners from the West and they taught them English

[41:16] So that's why everyone's gonna be able to speak English in the rest of the movie. Okay

[41:20] This is covered. Yeah, right. They've covered that base. But yeah, it's that Michelangelo. It's not like they're treating him

[41:26] Well, he's he's been imprisoned in a shed and he just lies around there doing nothing

[41:31] So it's not like it's not like he's the mayor of the town now and they see the turtles

[41:35] They're like, oh like our best best friend Michelangelo. Yeah. Well, no this but this is actually what I'm saying

[41:40] Like it's confusing to me like why the fact that they have met one other turtle makes it cool

[41:45] These other like these three turtles, they're like, okay like I guess it takes some of the shock off of meeting

[41:53] Three other giant turtles, but it doesn't mean

[41:56] Takes away the rush of like knowing that you're fighting and possibly killing other humans

[42:02] At that point they're like is it even worth it killing a turtle man?

[42:08] Now they return to the village to find out it's being attacked by pirates who want the scepter

[42:13] They think Michelangelo's a demon everybody thinks the turtles are demons in this movie what they're maybe the least

[42:19] Threatening looking demons since they accept their faces are so creepy when they talk

[42:23] So maybe it is the others you've reunited and they drive off the English pirates

[42:27] Are you saying it's not threatening for turtles to cover their giant shells with like a weird Baja or some kind of like blanket outfit?

[42:35] Yeah, I think I feel so bad for those actors having to not only work in the turtle suit

[42:40] But also like layer and layer of clothing

[42:44] Like and like ugly Hawaiian clothes, basically. Whoa

[42:48] It's like these turtles are all really big Buffett heads. Oh, they love it

[42:52] I love that you're like, oh, they're upset that they're in ugly Hawaiian clothes

[42:56] We're like I can't be like my normal sexy turtle self

[43:02] So is this when was this when Michelangelo saved what is it Yoshi the little boy?

[43:09] Yes, Michelangelo saves a kid Yoshi from a burning house and then Leonardo revives the kid with CPR

[43:15] That's showing to everybody that these are good good turtles. They're good. That's he goes on a long time

[43:21] They suspect he's performing black magic when he's doing CPR to Yoshi

[43:25] And then as soon as Yoshi wakes up and everybody's happy the first person to pick up Yoshi is Leonardo

[43:33] Which is a little weird. I would think like his family would be the first ones to rush the child

[43:38] Yeah, but you kind of don't want to rush at a giant turtle demon that just used magic to bring your boy back to life

[43:44] From the dead

[43:46] He giveth life. He can also take it away. I've seen Pet Sematary. You're right

[43:51] Mm-hmm. And you know what? There's a lot of in Pet Sematary turtles turtles

[43:57] You're right you always say that to me I forget

[44:01] I've had to tell Stewart, you know, it's in Pet Sematary turtles and he's like, yeah. Yeah, I forgot

[44:07] You make a good point

[44:09] That's my that reminds me. This is not related to the Turtles. My son invented a motto yesterday for himself

[44:15] Okay, we were I know it was the day before yesterday. We're eating at an all-you-can-eat Korean barbecue restaurant. It was really good

[44:22] And he goes we're like Sammy. Are you are you gonna be ready for lots of meat? And he goes, you know me

[44:27] I'm always hungry

[44:30] And

[44:32] So since then his motto has been I'm always hungry, you know

[44:35] I having stayed with you for a couple days when I was out in LA like that does not seem to be true about your

[44:41] Son, actually, I I saw several meals where he's like no food. Thanks. No

[44:46] When he loves to snack, but also it changes when he's going through like a growth spurt. He eats like a crazy everything all the time

[44:54] Yeah

[44:56] Well, I do like that motto though. It's it's funny to hear a three year three and a half year old say, you know me

[45:03] Everyone understands what my thing is

[45:08] My classic bit I'm always eating really Sammy, okay

[45:14] So but Yoshi is saved and the Turtles now the heroes of the village

[45:19] But Nora Naga reveals to Walker that this explains the scroll that turtle demons once overthrew his ancestors

[45:26] He can't allow that to happen again

[45:27] So now he wants guns, but he won't pay gold for them too many scenes in the movie are based around Lord

[45:34] Nora Naga just negotiating with Walker over what he's gonna pay for guns with yeah as if kids are gonna give a shit like what

[45:41] Currency he's using to buy cannons

[45:43] But this also implies that the Turtles what at a later date?

[45:47] They went even further back in time and overthrew Lord Nora Naga's

[45:51] Ancestors like are they leaving the door open for Teenage Mutant Turtles for turtles in time again?

[45:56] I mean

[45:57] Has there I mean, there's nothing in the movie that indicates that they couldn't go back in time again, right?

[46:03] It's not like the wand they don't lose the wand at the very end of the movie now the well alert

[46:09] They put a lot of effort into talking about Lord Nora Naga getting guns, but at no point do they show?

[46:16] How guns would change the dynamic in the movie at all?

[46:20] Like it's not like they show like guys with guns are really good at beating the Ninja Turtles

[46:26] No, but I guess it's well that they're using that they're saying the guns will help them to feet defeat villagers

[46:31] I guess because when those pirates come in with the guns

[46:34] They really lay waste to that village until the TMNT is coming and stop them

[46:38] The Turtles are what you'd call like an x-factor. Nobody knows exactly how they how they'll be defeated

[46:44] But uh, you gotta believe that guns and cannons are gonna have a better shot than just swords. Although as the movie shows us ended

[46:51] Yeah, not really, but I'm glad you found it

[46:54] Let's keep moving. But yeah, it's it's true that the guns do prove relatively ineffective against the Turtles later on

[47:00] But we haven't gotten there yet

[47:02] Blah blah blah they try to ride horses Leonardo's the only one who can ride them

[47:06] They try they need to find the scepter. Maybe they can make one, but that fails

[47:10] medieval Casey

[47:12] He has to go to them go with them back to the present day and April is like I don't want to have this

[47:18] Conversation right now. Let's just and it's weird because they're having a conversation as if they have a relationship

[47:24] Like April and and it's like between scenes in April and medieval

[47:27] Casey Jones have sex like is that what happens because the implication is that they're already have feelings for I mean

[47:33] I can show you some fanfiction that probably says that that's true. I mean, yeah, I mean you're she's back in time, dude

[47:40] All bets are off

[47:44] Century doesn't count. Yeah

[47:47] And I mean, it looks really cool with a beard and with short hair like and this guy seems to have a shit together a little

[47:53] Better than future Casey Jones, but what if it what if it's one of those things where April O'Neill has sex with medieval Casey Jones?

[47:59] Medieval Casey Jones gets impregnated and then it turns out April O'Neill is the ancestor of Casey Jones

[48:06] So when they're dating it's super weird because she's like his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother. I

[48:12] Mean, I think there's something kind of beautiful about that, right?

[48:17] No, that's my

[48:20] Impression of Morgan Freeman watching Elliot's face

[48:24] Scanned that thought

[48:26] Gave it the full way to deserve before saying no

[48:30] It's like how cuz I know it's not okay for a guy to go back in time and have sex with his mom in high

[48:35] School back to the future taught us that yeah, but how far back in time? Can you go to have sex with your ancestor Dan?

[48:41] I know you've thought about this a lot

[48:42] How far back in time do you think you have to go like more than 300 years more than 300 years?

[48:47] This is a good question

[48:49] Well, I mean you're allowed to so you're allowed to marry your cousins if you want to

[48:55] Just in like modern life. You're allowed. You're well, not first cousins. I don't think I think

[49:00] I think some places you are still first cousins. So

[49:05] So if you're following that I think that you could go back maybe

[49:10] five generations, I

[49:12] Don't know how these two thoughts related to one another

[49:19] By the transitive property of marrying your cousins, I think five generations, I wonder

[49:25] So Dan, this is you you decided that while researching the script for the porno movie you're writing. Yeah

[49:33] It's also called turtles in time

[49:36] That includes multiple footnotes explaining it's okay because there's enough generations. Yeah

[49:44] It's okay to be turned on but not grossed out

[49:46] Yeah, the scene in the Transformers movie where the guys like my relationship with her started when we were both minors

[49:52] So it's okay for me to have sex with her now that I'm an adult and she's still a minor

[49:56] I laminated the the page from the law book and you're like, why is this?

[50:00] yeah this is the other says something about the screenwriter and about the

[50:06] director but the movie that like this is not a necessary thing for a movie to

[50:11] include it like we've done the reason you need a movie with a two-hour plus

[50:16] fucking runtime about giant transforming robots like it's not a movie about a

[50:23] court case about this guy's relationship with his minor bride but the thing is

[50:29] it could have been about that court case right think about how good at law a

[50:33] transformer would be prime is just the defense attorney in that one yeah sure

[50:38] they just kept yeah pulling transformers in to the court to be character

[50:42] witnesses Bumblebee would be a terrible fucking witness although it would be it

[50:52] it would be some creative use of sound clips but like Optimus Prime is so good

[50:57] at speeches like they should have I'm surprised he doesn't speak at more

[51:01] universities in those movies yeah yeah and our commencement speaker Optimus

[51:07] Prime and everyone's like awesome but what if it is like a he's in court and

[51:14] there but the judge is about to say I guess declare him guilty like if you

[51:18] have no further arguments in your own defense I'm going to have to declare you

[51:23] and he raises a gavel and just as he about to drop the gavel Optus Prime

[51:27] bursts through the wall like a Kool-Aid man I object and then they have some

[51:32] important documents and then the gavel transforms into a tiny little like a

[51:37] little little robot or something and runs away and they're like whoa that was

[51:40] a transformer too and the judge is like what part of the transformer was I

[51:45] holding all that time it was a gavel yeah then it winks at him is that

[51:50] something it's do you have to worry about that when you're driving a

[51:53] transformer car that the gear shift might be the transformers penis did they

[51:57] think you're moving around they must have snuck that joke in a Transformers

[52:00] I mean one of the Transformers definitely had testicles in the movies

[52:04] right yes yeah yes that would be devastating to see to see a giant robot

[52:12] with giant test what's devastating about it it's beautiful it's natural you're

[52:17] right I shouldn't body shame him I apologize that's so wait what are you

[52:22] for farting out a parachute but I will make fun of that old robot for having a

[52:28] metal beard it's natural dude bodies get different when they get older we had

[52:33] like giant testicles and no penis though right like yeah he's like are you

[52:38] making fun of his micro penis okay I'm sorry you guys are so easy micro chip

[52:47] wait yeah you mean Punishers tech guy micro penis yeah I do I do mean sure is

[52:55] technology yeah I met that because he's riding on top of Devastator he's driving

[53:00] in my gas ah anyway so they're trying to make their own scepter but it can't work

[53:07] Casey Jones in the past is like take me with you I won't even talk about the

[53:11] standard trope in time travel movies of finding somebody in the past who looks

[53:14] just like your romantic interest in the present because the implication is that

[53:19] I guess genetics doesn't change over time anyway what believe that they could

[53:23] just make a new scepter yeah that they're like we can figure this out we

[53:29] can make magic Michelangelo tries to introduce pizza but it doesn't work out

[53:33] and the fact that he's in a country that does not yet have cheese or tomatoes I

[53:37] think doesn't seem to faze him doesn't work out Raphael bonds with the village

[53:43] kids and he tells Yoshi hey you got to calm down don't lose your temper let's

[53:47] not fight let's fly kites cuz kites rhyme with fights one of them's violent

[53:51] and one of them's not unless it's those fighting kites that have razors on them

[53:54] that used to attack other kites but that's more of I think of an

[53:57] Afghanistan thing so let's not worry about it really long aphorism to put on

[54:01] a t-shirt Dan stop stop editing my aphorisms and my affirmations okay okay

[54:09] Norinaga accepts that he's gonna pay gold for guns because he needs guns to

[54:13] stop these demons and Michelangelo talks to Mitsu about Prince Kenshin who she

[54:18] misses and there's a weird moment where Michelangelo seems to think that he has

[54:22] a chance with this princess if Kenshin doesn't come back like there's a lot of

[54:26] weird romantic dynamics going on in this movie that they did not think through

[54:29] all the way that suddenly April seems to be with Casey Jones of the past and

[54:34] Michelangelo seems to have a crush on this human woman and it's just not gonna

[54:38] happen Michelangelo you're a hideous turtle monster like just deal with it

[54:42] well also like I mean isn't the whole plan for them to go back like she's in

[54:47] love with someone else dude I mean to bit to put it the way that I think Huey

[54:53] Lewis did when he was describing this movie they got to go back in time but by

[54:57] back in time it means back to the present or back to the future if you

[55:00] will hence the movie of the same name which is about the making of this movie

[55:05] meanwhile Casey Jones in the present he's just teaching those samurais how

[55:09] to play hockey but they just fight and the implication is that samurais are

[55:13] just dumb they're just goofy dumb guys but splinter somehow senses danger for

[55:18] the Turtles 400 years after the fact like I said splinter could just go to

[55:23] his ninja library look up what happened to Lord Morinaga in a book and then he'd

[55:28] know it was gonna happen and it's edited as if this is going at the same time

[55:32] it's like classic DW Griffith cross-cutting as if these things are

[55:35] happening simultaneously but they're not wouldn't it be wild if you went

[55:38] Michelangelo wouldn't it be wild if he wouldn't picked up a book and he was

[55:41] reading the history and like the words were changing as he read them I mean is

[55:48] it the idea that because they have this 60-hour you know timeline that energy

[55:54] drink yeah the 60-hour energy drink that I'm selling guys I want you guys to get

[55:58] in on my quick scheme how many bottles can I put you down for do wait so you're

[56:05] gonna sell them to me and then I have to resell them yeah yeah I take them to

[56:09] retailers or do I sell them directly to people as soon as you pay me they're

[56:13] out of my hands I don't care what you know what you don't care about your

[56:16] brand I get it okay great so we could sell them to school children with

[56:19] alcohol okay there goes there goes your 60-hour energy drink Dan yeah yeah I

[56:24] mean a lesson from Herbalife they would make perfect nutcrackers the 60-hour

[56:27] energy drink with a little bit of booze what you don't know what an LA dancer

[56:33] no you don't know what a nutcracker is you know when you're on the beach and

[56:36] those guys wander around they're selling like yeah that's a nutcracker okay I

[56:42] just thought of it as like a rum punch no they call it a nutcracker okay I

[56:46] don't know why because I think it gets you really drunk and your head the nut

[56:53] gets cracked okay oh that's not usually that part of the body I hear referred to

[56:58] as a nut oh I guess people say that they are you off your nut and I'm like no

[57:02] that my testicles are right here they're supposed to be underneath me uh-huh

[57:06] anyway Michael Angel and Raphael they get into a fight and they break the

[57:10] scepter they made as if it was ever gonna work yeah it's insane and Mitsu

[57:15] says oh no we just heard the daimyo Lord Nara Naga is gonna attack with guns

[57:19] tomorrow Raphael has a heart-to-heart with Yoshi Yoshi is surprisingly

[57:23] knowledgeable but however have Raphael might die the next day in battle

[57:26] Raphael salves that wound though by giving him a yo-yo and Yoshi gives

[57:31] Raphael the real scepter he's the one who took it he didn't want the turtles

[57:35] to leave but now he wants them to go so they can leave before that people kill

[57:38] them that night Casey's ancestor he demands the scepter or he'll kill Mitsu

[57:44] and they give it to him oh they've lost the scepter again just when they thought

[57:48] they had it again huh and Walker brings Mitsu to Nora Naga and old Casey gives

[57:54] the scepter to Walker now it's a whole who's got the scepter which was the

[57:58] original title of the movie turtles three who's got the scepter April the

[58:03] turtles sneak in they fat shame the dungeon keeper yet again and free Mitsu

[58:08] from the dungeons Mitsu has been kidnapped for roughly 35 seconds of

[58:11] screen time not a lot of suspense the turtles learn about the legend of them

[58:15] and they confront Lord Nora Naga you'd think they'd beat him up in that be end

[58:18] right nope lots of fighting people rush in very unimpressive fighting as Stewart

[58:23] said earlier turtles just swatting guys out of the way Samurais falling down at

[58:27] least one dude tries yeah at least one dude tried tries to chop a turtle in

[58:33] the back and I'm like that's his most protected area buddy aim for the noggin

[58:39] or as Stewart would call it the nut yeah I call it that all the time the turtles

[58:44] free all the imprisoned villagers and it's a it's a everybody was kung-fu

[58:49] fighting except they're not actually they're just kind of waving swords

[58:51] around and punching each other look Nora Naga and Leonardo sword fight it ends

[58:56] with Leo cutting off Nora Naga's topknot which is the ultimate disrespect yeah

[59:01] he's been totally dishonored and then he drops a huge bell on him which is less

[59:05] disrespectful but probably hurt more than getting his topknot cut off yeah

[59:08] I mean that's April that's threading quite a needle they're dropping that

[59:13] giant bell on that guy cuz like if they're off by a fraction that thing's

[59:17] smashing the hell out of him I mean what if they did that but there's also a

[59:21] clapper inside that bell so that probably that would have smashed his

[59:25] skull wide open it's not like a bell is just a hollow thing well wait is that

[59:30] the type of bill that has a clapper or is that one of the ones that you just

[59:33] like ring by hitting it with a giant log oh maybe that's what it is you just hit

[59:37] it with a mallet or a log maybe that's it maybe there's not like it's like it's

[59:41] some kind of fucking ATST right guys it's about the Battle of Endor come on

[59:48] any brave Ewoks died that day admit do you think there's a do you think there's

[59:53] a like a Battle of Endor memorial battlefield and a visitor center and in

[59:58] the visitor center there's a video that's

[1:00:00] Like, and brave men on the sides of the empire

[1:00:03] and the Ewok village gave their lives

[1:00:05] for what they believed in that day.

[1:00:07] And then a little kid looks up at his mom and he's like,

[1:00:09] but what happened to all the bodies of the storm troopers?

[1:00:12] And she's like, shh, don't say anything about that.

[1:00:15] And there's like a statue of a speeder bike trooper

[1:00:18] that was put up when the Ewoks wanted equal rights

[1:00:21] in the, you know, a hundred years later.

[1:00:24] And they're like, we want to respect our heritage,

[1:00:26] our heritage of speeder bike riders.

[1:00:28] And now the Ewoks are like,

[1:00:30] let's take down these statues, huh?

[1:00:31] They weren't even, that's, that's not history.

[1:00:34] That's just hate.

[1:00:35] And all these Imperial storm troopers are like,

[1:00:37] that's my heritage.

[1:00:38] Hey, stop it.

[1:00:38] Do you think that's happening?

[1:00:41] Yeah, Dan, you want to walk into this minefield?

[1:00:43] Yeah, I was like, this is a really great, you know,

[1:00:47] metaphor to explore, I think.

[1:00:50] Yeah, Dan, sorry.

[1:00:51] I don't want to offend all of our,

[1:00:53] all our Neo-Confederate listeners.

[1:00:55] Sorry, Dan.

[1:00:57] That's more of the conflation of the civil rights struggle

[1:01:00] with the Ewoks, maybe, that I...

[1:01:04] The Ewoks are the heroes, Dan.

[1:01:06] I agree.

[1:01:09] So, moving on.

[1:01:11] All right.

[1:01:12] I'll just leave that racial minefield unstepped in, mostly.

[1:01:16] I think I stepped in one or two mines.

[1:01:18] Mostly it's okay.

[1:01:19] Yeah.

[1:01:21] Walker has April, medieval Casey Jones,

[1:01:23] even though he's a turncoat, says, no, don't shoot him.

[1:01:25] That wasn't part of the deal.

[1:01:26] Walker says, maybe I'll shoot you too.

[1:01:28] Leonardo challenges Walker to shoot them.

[1:01:30] He goes, hey, don't have your men do it.

[1:01:32] You do it yourself.

[1:01:33] Our demon magic will just protect us

[1:01:35] and the bullets will bounce back.

[1:01:36] Everyone's too afraid, except Walker,

[1:01:38] who fires a cannon at them.

[1:01:40] But Leo, he fires at Leonardo's head,

[1:01:42] but Leonardo ducks into his shell

[1:01:44] and the cannonball hits the bell and everyone's okay.

[1:01:47] And it breaks the bell.

[1:01:49] Walker runs away because he's now the villain of the movie,

[1:01:51] Lord Norinaga, having been mostly forgotten about

[1:01:54] by this point.

[1:01:54] And totally shamed, dude.

[1:01:56] Nobody's scared of a guy with his top not chopped off.

[1:01:59] You know, the idea of a samurai warlord

[1:02:04] being defeated in combat,

[1:02:06] and then instead of being killed,

[1:02:08] which is what he would have wanted,

[1:02:09] instead he gets his hair cut off and stuck in a bell.

[1:02:12] Like, oh my Lord, that's so offensive.

[1:02:16] Unless it was Kristen Bell, am I right?

[1:02:18] Up top.

[1:02:19] I guess, like what, like she's a Tauntaun

[1:02:22] and he's stuck inside her belly?

[1:02:24] Yeah, I thought she smelled bad on the outside.

[1:02:27] Wow, Elliot's burning bridges today.

[1:02:30] Dan, is that something people say about Kristen Bell?

[1:02:32] You're friends with her.

[1:02:33] That she smells on the outside?

[1:02:35] Yeah.

[1:02:36] I don't know, I'll call up Dax Shepard

[1:02:38] and see what he has to say about it.

[1:02:40] That's a Star Wars name, Dan.

[1:02:41] That's not a real person.

[1:02:46] Anyway, then there's a very weird running gag

[1:02:49] where Walker is running for his life away from the turtles,

[1:02:52] but he keeps going out of his way

[1:02:53] to save his pet birds in a little bird cage.

[1:02:56] And I couldn't remember even being introduced

[1:02:58] to these bird characters before,

[1:02:59] but he's just like, oh, my birds, I'll take you.

[1:03:02] Like, it's just this very strange comedy moment

[1:03:05] they go to a couple of times of like,

[1:03:06] suddenly he loves birds.

[1:03:08] Yeah, it's a great little character touch.

[1:03:11] Yeah.

[1:03:12] Walker throws the scepter away

[1:03:14] to distract them from his escape,

[1:03:15] but the turtles catch it,

[1:03:16] and Walker ends up plummeting very fakely off of a cliff

[1:03:20] into raging waters,

[1:03:21] like the Testament song of the same name.

[1:03:24] The turtles debate whether to stay or go back home,

[1:03:26] which is crazy,

[1:03:27] because one, they will have stranded five samurai

[1:03:30] from the 17th century in modern day New York,

[1:03:33] which is just, like, that's not okay.

[1:03:35] You're basically killing them.

[1:03:38] Yes, and although they're having a great time

[1:03:39] with Casey Jones singing karaoke and watching hockey.

[1:03:42] Yeah, and my favorite scene in the movie

[1:03:43] where they're all hanging out playing a video game

[1:03:45] in a bar that is blasting Tarzan Boy.

[1:03:51] Like, I wouldn't want to go back to fetal Japan either.

[1:03:54] But then the scepter starts up.

[1:03:56] Uh-oh, Kenshin has turned it on in the present,

[1:03:59] because, and again,

[1:04:00] so you're asking me to believe

[1:04:02] that this scepter hasn't started up

[1:04:04] at any other point in history.

[1:04:05] Kenshin could do whatever he wants.

[1:04:06] He could go to the Old West.

[1:04:07] He could go to the future.

[1:04:09] He could go to, I don't know,

[1:04:11] like the Russo-Japanese War

[1:04:15] and celebrate the victory over Russia

[1:04:17] that Japan had in that year,

[1:04:19] or maybe go to Portsmouth

[1:04:21] and help Teddy Roosevelt negotiate

[1:04:22] the treaty that ended that war,

[1:04:24] and which netted Teddy Roosevelt a Nobel Peace Prize.

[1:04:26] Kenshin, you could have a Nobel Peace Prize.

[1:04:28] Yeah, you're giving him a lot of options.

[1:04:29] So why did you just happen to choose the point

[1:04:30] where you came from?

[1:04:32] Like, all of time is his menu.

[1:04:33] He could go anywhere he wants.

[1:04:34] Go ride a mammoth, go eat a dinosaur,

[1:04:36] whatever you want to do, Kenshin.

[1:04:38] Although I guess he can only go to places

[1:04:39] that the scepter existed.

[1:04:41] So maybe he can't ride a mammoth.

[1:04:42] So how far back do you think the scepter goes, Dan?

[1:04:44] Yeah, Dan.

[1:04:45] When did they build the scepter?

[1:04:46] Hey, why am I the scepter expert?

[1:04:49] You know, it's one of the,

[1:04:52] it's a fucking immortal.

[1:04:55] Well, I don't know.

[1:04:55] We're all fooling around on his scepter knowledge here.

[1:04:57] Okay.

[1:04:58] Wow, Dan, I'm not going to go to you

[1:04:59] for any more scepter questions.

[1:05:01] Anyway, it all goes fine.

[1:05:05] Mitsu says they have to go back.

[1:05:06] Only by me marrying Kenshin can we end this war.

[1:05:09] Okay.

[1:05:10] Didn't know that that was ever an option, but sure.

[1:05:13] Makes sense.

[1:05:14] And they transfer back,

[1:05:16] but Michelangelo's not with him,

[1:05:17] but then he does come back.

[1:05:19] They decide to fake you out for about 15 seconds

[1:05:22] that Michelangelo stayed back there.

[1:05:24] Yeah, isn't there a moment

[1:05:25] where Michelangelo and Raphael are like,

[1:05:26] oh no, don't worry.

[1:05:28] Me and Raphael aren't leaving.

[1:05:29] And then everyone's like, uh, are you sure?

[1:05:34] It becomes like an A-team episode

[1:05:35] where they've got to drug them,

[1:05:36] like BA bras to get them back in time.

[1:05:40] Everyone's back in their right times.

[1:05:42] Naranaga gets the scepter back,

[1:05:43] which seems crazy

[1:05:45] that they're now giving him a time travel weapon.

[1:05:48] Mitsu and Kenshi are reunited and they kiss each other.

[1:05:50] And Michelangelo's sad

[1:05:51] until Splinter cheers him up by acting silly.

[1:05:54] And Michelangelo's like, yeah, you're right.

[1:05:57] We're silly around here.

[1:05:58] This is great.

[1:06:00] And the turtles go back to dancing

[1:06:01] as they did at the beginning of the movie.

[1:06:03] They're dancing, having been interrupted by April's gifts.

[1:06:07] They return to it.

[1:06:08] And so the film begins, ends as it began

[1:06:11] in Ouroboros, snake eating its own tail.

[1:06:14] Time everlasting, Ragnarok in cycles forever.

[1:06:18] Unable to break the circle of destiny.

[1:06:21] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, turtles in time.

[1:06:24] As it was in the end, so shall it be in the beginning.

[1:06:28] The alpha and omega forever and ever,

[1:06:30] as it is on earth in heaven.

[1:06:34] Jesus, this has gone long

[1:06:35] and my computer is running out of batteries.

[1:06:37] So we should, we should,

[1:06:40] some, we should put our final judgments

[1:06:42] and move on to the next stuff in this podcast.

[1:06:45] Okay, Dan, since you're, you're chomping at the bit

[1:06:47] to do this, do this thing, what do you think?

[1:06:52] Well, is this a good, bad movie?

[1:06:53] A bad, bad movie or a movie I kind of liked?

[1:06:55] Yeah, is it your favorite turtle movie?

[1:06:57] Your second favorite turtle movie

[1:06:58] or third favorite turtle movie?

[1:07:01] What I have to say about this is,

[1:07:05] well, I haven't seen the middle turtle movie.

[1:07:09] You didn't see part two, Secret of the Ooze?

[1:07:11] I have not seen Secret of the Ooze.

[1:07:13] So you don't know the Secret of the Ooze?

[1:07:13] Don't tell him, Stuart.

[1:07:15] I'm not legally obligated not to.

[1:07:18] The Ooze is secret, Dan?

[1:07:19] The Ooze is secret is that it's actually a dude?

[1:07:21] Here's what I'll say about this movie.

[1:07:23] It's not good.

[1:07:26] It's not like, I didn't laugh at it out of its badness.

[1:07:29] What I thought was like, if I was a kid,

[1:07:31] I'd probably like this.

[1:07:33] That was my reaction to it.

[1:07:35] That's how I felt too.

[1:07:36] If I was a kid, I would enjoy this movie a lot,

[1:07:38] but it's stupid.

[1:07:39] Yeah.

[1:07:41] It's kind of innocent.

[1:07:42] It's kind of fun.

[1:07:44] That's basically where I'm at.

[1:07:45] Yeah, you're probably right.

[1:07:48] And it's not made for grownup palates.

[1:07:51] It's like, it's probably like the food you eat

[1:07:54] in like a high school cafeteria

[1:07:56] where there's certain elements,

[1:07:58] there's certain things that you'll have

[1:07:59] that you really like.

[1:08:03] Like, I had a friend who was obsessed

[1:08:05] with the chicken patties in the school cafeteria,

[1:08:07] but I'm sure that as a grownup,

[1:08:09] if you were to eat them again,

[1:08:10] he would be like, uh, I don't like these anymore.

[1:08:14] That's kind of what this movie's like.

[1:08:16] Yeah, so I'm going to call this a good, bad movie

[1:08:20] because it's not a good movie,

[1:08:21] but kids might like it

[1:08:23] and kids have terrible taste in things.

[1:08:26] Yeah.

[1:08:27] They are stupid.

[1:08:28] No, they like the Muppets.

[1:08:31] What?

[1:08:32] The Muppets are great too.

[1:08:33] Yeah, I know.

[1:08:34] I was just trying to get a rise out of you guys, you know?

[1:08:36] Trying to-

[1:08:37] And you certainly did.

[1:08:38] Yeah, Dan's steaming over here.

[1:08:39] Look at him.

[1:08:40] There's literally steam shooting out of my ears.

[1:08:44] But he can't really see it

[1:08:45] because he got headphones on.

[1:08:46] I know, it's burning my ears.

[1:08:48] It's just, it has no place to go.

[1:08:50] It just keeps recirculating.

[1:08:50] And it's not good for the headphones either.

[1:08:52] No, no, no, no.

[1:08:53] It's terrible.

[1:08:54] Okay, so what do we do now, Dan?

[1:08:57] Well, before we move on,

[1:08:58] we have a sponsor for today's show.

[1:09:01] Oh yeah, and to clarify,

[1:09:02] this is my third favorite Turtle movie.

[1:09:05] Okay.

[1:09:06] Good to know.

[1:09:07] Yeah, I'm also going to call it

[1:09:08] my third favorite Turtle movie, yeah.

[1:09:12] But the other two are not Ninja Turtle movies.

[1:09:14] They're my first two favorite, yeah.

[1:09:17] So-

[1:09:18] My first, probably that cartoon,

[1:09:19] what was it called?

[1:09:20] The Red Turtle just came out recently.

[1:09:21] Oh yeah, that's great.

[1:09:23] I haven't seen it, but I heard it was good,

[1:09:24] so that goes to number one.

[1:09:25] Yeah, the movie poster alone is pretty great.

[1:09:28] Yeah, and then I think my second favorite Turtle movie

[1:09:30] is My Dinner with Andre,

[1:09:31] because Wallace Shawn is kind of Turtley.

[1:09:33] Yeah.

[1:09:34] No, my first favorite movie,

[1:09:35] my first favorite Turtle movie is Hackers,

[1:09:36] because it's got Fisher Stevens in it.

[1:09:37] That's true.

[1:10:00] I'm not saying it's beautiful.

[1:10:03] Oh, f**k.

[1:10:04] Just listen to my brother, my brother, and me on MaximumFun.org.

[1:10:06] There you go.

[1:10:07] Perfect.

[1:10:08] Perfect.

[1:10:09] Thank you.

[1:10:10] Hello, I'm Kerry Poppy.

[1:10:17] And I'm Ross Blotcher, host of MaximumFun.org's Ono, Ross, and Kerry.

[1:10:21] We wanted to tell you the good news that our podcast is now weekly.

[1:10:24] Yeah, weekly on Ono, Ross, and Kerry.

[1:10:26] We don't make extraordinary claims.

[1:10:28] We investigate them.

[1:10:29] We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims, and participate

[1:10:33] in pseudoscientific medical treatments, and report our findings to you.

[1:10:36] In a time where alternative facts reign supreme, we cut through the murky spin to give you

[1:10:41] the real deal on topics like UFOs, the anti-vaccination movement, Scientology, and even apocalyptic

[1:10:48] churches.

[1:10:49] We're even undercover for some very exciting investigations right now.

[1:10:52] Well, not right now, right now.

[1:10:55] Yeah, that would be unwise.

[1:10:57] That's Ono, Ross, and Kerry at MaximumFun.org.

[1:11:00] We show up so you don't have to.

[1:11:02] Our podcast is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:11:05] Aw, thanks.

[1:11:06] Turn your cool idea into a new website.

[1:11:09] Okay.

[1:11:10] And you can use that website, if you like, to sell products and services of all kinds.

[1:11:16] Okay.

[1:11:17] Squarespace gives you this ability by providing you with beautiful templates.

[1:11:25] The ability to customize your site with just a few clicks, built-in search engine optimization,

[1:11:31] and 24-7 award-winning customer support.

[1:11:35] So if you have a good idea for a website, why not just make it, and make it stand out

[1:11:42] with Squarespace to create a beautiful website.

[1:11:46] Now, Dan, Squarespace sounds great.

[1:11:48] Can they help me?

[1:11:49] I don't have a good idea for a website, but I do have a bad idea for a website, and I

[1:11:52] want to talk about it.

[1:11:53] Okay.

[1:11:54] You should probably talk about it.

[1:11:55] Let's talk about it.

[1:11:56] It's a website called NowIt'sGotSexSounds.com.

[1:12:00] We take every movie and television show, and we add sex sounds to the soundtrack, just

[1:12:05] to give it a little bit of extra thrill.

[1:12:07] And so, for instance, Teenage Mutant Turtles 3, Turtles in Time, we would include a lot

[1:12:11] of just oohs and aahs, a lot of moaning over the soundtrack, to make it inappropriate.

[1:12:19] And now it's like, oh, this movie's not for the kids anymore.

[1:12:21] Now it's for dad.

[1:12:22] It'll go ooh, eeh, ooh, aah.

[1:12:25] Yeah, there'll be a lot of ting-tangs and walla-walla big bangs.

[1:12:28] So Dan, do you think Squarespace could help with that?

[1:12:29] Yeah, of course.

[1:12:30] It's sex sounds.

[1:12:31] Yeah.

[1:12:32] Now, mostly what we do is, and I'll just keep talking as Dan plugs in his computer and makes

[1:12:37] a lot of noise.

[1:12:39] Now mostly what we do on this website is we take requests from people where they're like,

[1:12:44] this show's not sexy enough.

[1:12:45] Can you add sex sounds to it?

[1:12:46] And then we do that.

[1:12:47] It takes, it's very time intensive because we really mix down the audio.

[1:12:51] And so we've been trying to monetize it with a website.

[1:12:53] So Dan, do you think Squarespace could help us with that?

[1:12:55] Whatever that was, it sounded great.

[1:12:59] I had to get up and do some technical stuff.

[1:13:01] So I had no idea what...

[1:13:02] He gives tacit approval to your idea.

[1:13:03] I have no idea what Alex just pitched.

[1:13:05] You don't ever need, you'll find out what you agreed to when you listen to the episode.

[1:13:09] Oh, great.

[1:13:11] Let's move on.

[1:13:12] So Squarespace sounds great.

[1:13:13] And I love it.

[1:13:14] Let's move on, shall we?

[1:13:15] Thank you, Squarespace.

[1:13:16] Well, no.

[1:13:17] Hold on.

[1:13:18] Hold on.

[1:13:19] We're helping you help other people.

[1:13:21] Yeah.

[1:13:22] The most important part of the ad, go to squarespace.com for a free trial.

[1:13:26] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase

[1:13:31] of a website or domain.

[1:13:32] You got to give them the chance to use the offer code.

[1:13:36] Yeah.

[1:13:37] Give them a chance, dude.

[1:13:38] I kind of assumed that you would finish the ad and then get up to plug in your computer.

[1:13:42] But no, you decided to interrupt in the middle of the ad.

[1:13:44] Well, you were talking.

[1:13:45] Yeah.

[1:13:46] I saw you ramping up.

[1:13:47] I saw that there was, I saw my opportunity and I went for it.

[1:13:51] I knew that there was going to be no need for me to talk for the next minute or so.

[1:13:56] That's a good idea.

[1:13:57] You know me.

[1:13:58] I'm always hungry for talking.

[1:14:00] Is there anything else we need to plug?

[1:14:03] I guess our live show in San Francisco.

[1:14:06] Yeah.

[1:14:07] People should get tickets to our live show in San Francisco on December 9th.

[1:14:10] Yeah.

[1:14:11] December 9th, our live show in San Francisco.

[1:14:13] Go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[1:14:16] It's at the Marines Memorial Theater.

[1:14:17] It's our second time in California, but our first time in San Fran, the Bay Area, City

[1:14:22] by the Bay, Rice-A-Roni Place, Chi-Town.

[1:14:27] And it's going to be a super fun show.

[1:14:30] I don't know what movie we're doing yet.

[1:14:32] No, we haven't discussed it, but it'll be a good one.

[1:14:35] It'll be a good one.

[1:14:36] I promise it will be a good one.

[1:14:38] And medical needs pending.

[1:14:40] All of us will be there.

[1:14:41] Yeah.

[1:14:42] Well, let's not talk too much about that.

[1:14:44] Stop looking at me like that, guys.

[1:14:47] Now, I have a Jumbotron.

[1:14:48] You've got a Jumbotron.

[1:14:49] Do we have any other sponsors before we do that?

[1:14:50] No, that's it.

[1:14:51] Okay, guys, it's Jumbotron time.

[1:14:54] Woop, woop, woop.

[1:14:55] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

[1:14:58] do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

[1:14:59] Jumbotron.

[1:15:01] Welcome to Jumbotron time.

[1:15:04] Okay.

[1:15:05] So this is a message that goes like this.

[1:15:09] Cold Dog Soup is a podcast that lambasts terrible poetry and prose.

[1:15:13] Listen to us now for a six-part series of the worst unfinished novella you've ever heard.

[1:15:18] That's Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:20] Listen, rate, and subscribe to the podcast Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:24] So some kind of poetry and prose lambasting podcast.

[1:15:28] I'll try it.

[1:15:29] Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:30] Yeah.

[1:15:31] Mmm.

[1:15:32] Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:33] Yum.

[1:15:34] That's the best kind.

[1:15:35] It's like hot dog water.

[1:15:36] Yeah.

[1:15:37] But cold.

[1:15:38] Now, Stuart, do you remember, is Dog Soup, was that the name of one of the serial killers

[1:15:42] in Sandman at the serial killer convention?

[1:15:45] I thought Dog Soup was that, uh, that Marx Brothers movie.

[1:15:49] No, that's Duck Soup.

[1:15:51] Are you sure?

[1:15:52] I think it's Dog Soup.

[1:15:53] No, you know what?

[1:15:55] You're probably right.

[1:15:56] It is.

[1:15:57] You know what?

[1:15:58] I seem to know more about the Marx Brothers than you guys.

[1:16:00] So I think it's, I think I'm right.

[1:16:02] Oh, I just remembered that I was supposed to plug the fact that, uh, I'm going to be

[1:16:06] on the Best Acquaintances podcast, uh, on an episode that should be out by the time

[1:16:11] this episode comes out.

[1:16:12] So.

[1:16:13] And what is that?

[1:16:14] It's a, an interview podcast where people who are just internet, uh, friends with one

[1:16:19] another get to know each other better by talking over the, uh, web, web waves with each other.

[1:16:28] And so if you want to hear me interviewed, uh, listen to the Best Acquaintances podcast.

[1:16:34] Sounds great.

[1:16:36] And I just looked it up.

[1:16:37] Yes.

[1:16:38] Dog Soup is the killer in the Sandman issue where the guys like Dog Soup is a woman at

[1:16:41] the serial killers convention, but that has nothing to do with the podcast called Dog

[1:16:45] Soup.

[1:16:47] Great.

[1:16:48] Good stuff.

[1:16:49] Okay.

[1:16:50] What do we do now?

[1:16:51] Uh, now we, uh, answer a few letters from listeners, listeners like you, presumably.

[1:16:56] Like me?

[1:16:57] I'm not a listener, Dan.

[1:16:58] I'm on the show.

[1:16:59] Oh, okay.

[1:17:00] I'm sorry.

[1:17:01] I apologize.

[1:17:02] Did I just win a contest?

[1:17:03] That's why I've been a co-host for 10 years.

[1:17:06] It was, well, it's more like, uh, it's more like a curse.

[1:17:12] The curse on you guys that you've got to put up with me.

[1:17:17] So this first letter is from a gentleman named John, last name withheld, and he writes, Hey,

[1:17:26] hey peaches.

[1:17:28] My wife has a decently sophisticated sense of humor.

[1:17:30] Oh, wow.

[1:17:31] Wow.

[1:17:32] Okay.

[1:17:33] Stop talking about how you love your wife.

[1:17:35] I hope she doesn't listen to this because you're going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.

[1:17:38] John dies at the end.

[1:17:39] This guy's going to be the next thick wife guy.

[1:17:41] Uh, she has a decently sophisticated sense of humor, but you forgot about that one already,

[1:17:47] but you get a silly scene with a man screaming.

[1:17:50] Thank Chris Farley kind of delivery.

[1:17:52] And it's a guaranteed laugh for her.

[1:17:54] I was wondering, do any of you three have a comedy weakness where jokes of a certain

[1:17:58] type or delivery are way more likely to get a laugh from you regardless of quality?

[1:18:03] Keep on flopping.

[1:18:04] R-O-C-K in the USA.

[1:18:06] John, last name withheld.

[1:18:09] So you have a weak, a weak spot comedy wise.

[1:18:15] Uh, obviously, obviously I like esoteric pop culture references.

[1:18:24] I don't, I don't think there's anything I have that is specifically like, I'm definitely

[1:18:28] going to laugh at it no matter the quality, except maybe just people falling down.

[1:18:32] But I'll tell you what I don't, what the, I have the opposite of, which is something

[1:18:35] I will never laugh at.

[1:18:38] That is when somebody starts talking and you're like, Hey, that's not how I expected them

[1:18:44] to sound.

[1:18:45] I call it the rapping granny principle where it's like, I didn't expect that granny to

[1:18:49] start rapping.

[1:18:50] I will not laugh at that.

[1:18:51] What is not funny to me?

[1:18:52] What if there's like a kid who starts talking and all of a sudden they've got like a really

[1:18:57] low voice?

[1:18:59] Well, that's if you dubbed an adult voice into a kid that like, that would be funny.

[1:19:03] But if it was like this kid has a real foul mouth or like this kid is talking like a grown

[1:19:08] up talks that I don't find that particularly funny.

[1:19:12] So you probably shouldn't watch young Sheldon.

[1:19:19] Yeah.

[1:19:20] And what about you?

[1:19:21] Uh, jokes.

[1:19:22] Yeah.

[1:19:23] I don't know that there's like, I can't think of really like a particular type of joke that

[1:19:30] I feel like is a weak point for me.

[1:19:32] There are certain, like I will watch a terrible action buddy comedy and I will know that that

[1:19:39] comedy is not good, but I will still watch it.

[1:19:43] That's like kind of a weak point in a similar vein.

[1:19:46] Not, not exactly what we're talking about, but like there is nothing else to watch on

[1:19:52] a plane.

[1:19:53] I was on recently and God help me.

[1:19:55] I watched chips because I was like, I'm all like, I'm not.

[1:20:00] I'm not reading a book. You watched a bag of chips? Yeah, I watched a bag of...

[1:20:05] What did it do? Did it do anything?

[1:20:09] Well, at one point it opened, but that was me opening it. It didn't kind of do it on its own.

[1:20:13] Like, wow, no agency. So it was an interactive thing?

[1:20:16] Yeah, it was interactive. It was like an Oculus Rift.

[1:20:19] That's cool. It's Oculus chips?

[1:20:21] Yeah. So Dan, how was chips?

[1:20:25] Uh, pretty bad. Pretty bad. Speaking of Dax Shepard, it was pretty bad.

[1:20:31] You going to recommend that today on the podcast?

[1:20:36] There was a lot of gay panic in that movie. Not a funny thing.

[1:20:44] But that movie must have been made 10 or 20 years ago, right?

[1:20:47] Oh, no. No, my friend. You would think that based on the fact that it's based on chips.

[1:20:53] A movie? The Food?

[1:21:01] But anyway...

[1:21:01] Do you guys think that anyone would make a movie called Gay Panic, which is a comedy about

[1:21:06] idiot straight guys who are worried that people think they're gay, but

[1:21:09] clearly they are morons?

[1:21:16] Man, what was I now pronouncing Chuck and Larry about?

[1:21:20] Well, that was kind of... Well, but they were pretending to be gay to get health benefits.

[1:21:24] What was that movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Roger Moore on the boat?

[1:21:28] Boat Trip.

[1:21:28] Boat Trip. That was a gay panic movie.

[1:21:32] I mean, well, that was really a poor vacation planning movie.

[1:21:35] And I find that, if anything, even more offensive. They didn't do the research.

[1:21:38] They didn't use a qualified travel agent, I don't think.

[1:21:43] Yeah, yeah.

[1:21:44] At that point, they don't deserve to enjoy their vacation.

[1:21:47] I don't want to watch that movie, but I am curious about how they got on that boat.

[1:21:51] The only, literally the only explanation that would make sense to me is if they were

[1:21:56] in a shipwreck and they got picked up by this gay party cruise.

[1:22:00] What if they're like a couple of thieves that are running from the cops because they just

[1:22:04] performed a diamond heist?

[1:22:06] Oh, that's like a classic 80s way to get into things.

[1:22:10] Yeah, yeah.

[1:22:11] So they'll get on any boat, is what you're saying.

[1:22:14] Because they're just trying to get on a boat. They're just trying to get away.

[1:22:17] Trying to get to international waters so they can finally eat all those diamonds.

[1:22:22] Wait, that's how it works?

[1:22:24] Yeah, yeah.

[1:22:25] And then their skin turns into diamonds and then the movie's over.

[1:22:28] Oh, okay.

[1:22:30] So it's kind of like a Wishmaster thing?

[1:22:32] Like, be careful what you wish for?

[1:22:34] No, I mean, that's exactly what you want to have happen.

[1:22:37] So you can get rid of this, like, frail flesh.

[1:22:41] Oh, okay.

[1:22:42] And attain a crystal form.

[1:22:43] It's called Crystal Ships.

[1:22:44] It's that...

[1:22:49] So what other letters do you have, Dan?

[1:22:52] I think we answered that one.

[1:22:53] Yeah, sure.

[1:22:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:22:55] We know you watch Chips. That was worth it.

[1:22:57] Yeah.

[1:22:59] This one's from Matt, last name withheld, who writes...

[1:23:02] Matt Fraction.

[1:23:03] I always come back to the Flophouse.

[1:23:06] I always come back to the Flophouse when crappy chores have got me down.

[1:23:09] As of this writing, I'm drawing and unsticking cookbooks from a kitchen of futz-up

[1:23:14] and started wondering,

[1:23:15] obviously there are theater snacks like popcorn,

[1:23:18] but do you have associations between foods and film viewings?

[1:23:21] Memorable meals and movies?

[1:23:23] Dinner dates and director's cuts gone wrong?

[1:23:26] Thanks for all the goofs and keep flop-flipping.

[1:23:29] Matt, last name withheld.

[1:23:30] So just sort of a general question about food in the movies, ultimately.

[1:23:36] Like, do we have food associations with the movies

[1:23:38] or are there particular meals in the movies that stick with us?

[1:23:44] I'll tell you about a time I couldn't eat while watching a movie.

[1:23:48] I was watching the movie Sandman, starring our friend Eric.

[1:23:52] It's a very creepy horror movie.

[1:23:54] Oh yeah, that was great.

[1:23:55] And I was like, it was really good.

[1:23:56] And I was like, oh, I'll just have dinner while I watch this.

[1:23:58] And very quickly, I was like, I'm not going to be able to eat while I watch this.

[1:24:03] This is making me too uncomfortable to eat.

[1:24:05] Yeah, because you can't eat around Eric, right?

[1:24:07] Because he's gross.

[1:24:09] No, no, that's not it.

[1:24:10] I mean, he's a great guy.

[1:24:11] I've had many meals with him.

[1:24:14] I mean, frequent listener.

[1:24:15] I think I ate dinner next to him at your wedding.

[1:24:19] Yeah, you might have.

[1:24:20] I think so.

[1:24:21] So I was wondering what your problem was.

[1:24:22] I had no problem eating right in front of him.

[1:24:25] No, it had nothing with him.

[1:24:27] The footage taken from no-budget horror movies,

[1:24:31] because the movie is kind of like three quarters a real documentary,

[1:24:34] one quarter a fake documentary.

[1:24:38] I was like, I can't watch these really gross,

[1:24:40] no-budget horror movies while I'm eating my dinner.

[1:24:44] But when it comes to meals in the movies,

[1:24:47] there's no meal I want to be at more than the Skeksis Feast in the Dark Crystal.

[1:24:52] I'm sure I've said this on the podcast,

[1:24:54] but my mom, every time we had a big family meal with any kind of like cooked meat,

[1:25:00] she would always refer to it as roast nebri.

[1:25:04] Like they refer to the when in the Skeksis Feast.

[1:25:08] I think she still does.

[1:25:11] If I were to go home for Thanksgiving,

[1:25:13] that turkey's getting called roast nebri.

[1:25:16] But I think I might have said this before,

[1:25:18] I could watch that feast scene for probably 20 straight minutes.

[1:25:20] It's great.

[1:25:21] Just them eating gross things and smacking their lips

[1:25:24] and using those little finger forks.

[1:25:25] And I love when like the little thing gets loose and is running down the table

[1:25:28] and they're all like slamming on it trying to eat it.

[1:25:32] Oh man, such awesome monsters.

[1:25:34] Yeah.

[1:25:34] Yeah, what a great scene.

[1:25:36] Dan, why do you hate them?

[1:25:37] Why do I hate what?

[1:25:39] Skeksis.

[1:25:40] Because they're the bad guys, right?

[1:25:42] Dan.

[1:25:43] Says who?

[1:25:43] Dan identifies more with the ancients.

[1:25:46] Ugh, the boring ones.

[1:25:47] Okay.

[1:25:48] Do the ancient ones have an army of giant crab monsters?

[1:25:53] Last time I checked, they did not.

[1:25:54] Oh, but you know what?

[1:25:55] I just want to sit around doing low throat singing over and over again.

[1:26:00] Why would I want to watch a sword fight?

[1:26:03] Identify more of those like tall horses things that they ride around on.

[1:26:08] What are they called?

[1:26:08] Striders or something?

[1:26:10] I mean, that name makes sense.

[1:26:12] Yeah, they do stride.

[1:26:14] Oh, do they ever.

[1:26:15] Dan, what about you?

[1:26:16] Food movie memories?

[1:26:18] I don't have any.

[1:26:20] I don't have any memories of like where I associate eating a particular thing

[1:26:25] with a film or anything like that.

[1:26:26] There are a couple of scenes and movies that I remember involving food.

[1:26:35] At the end of Big Night where he cooks that omelette in one take,

[1:26:40] it's just like a long take of him making an omelette for his brother after

[1:26:45] their disastrous big night of the title.

[1:26:48] And then there's also-

[1:26:49] Are you sure that you're not thinking of Omelette the movie?

[1:26:53] Yeah.

[1:26:55] And also there's that movie that's not very good called Spanglish starring Adam Sandler,

[1:27:01] but there's a scene where he makes himself a sandwich,

[1:27:06] which is all pretty much done in like one long-

[1:27:09] It's not like a long take because there are cuts,

[1:27:11] but it's like one long sequence where he's making himself a sandwich.

[1:27:13] And then his wife comes in and they get into a big argument

[1:27:16] while his sandwich is just sitting there on the table.

[1:27:18] And you can tell that there's nothing more that he wants in life

[1:27:20] than to eat this sandwich before like there's like an egg on it

[1:27:24] and it's getting cold and it's going to congeal.

[1:27:26] And like it's just like this beautiful sandwich he's made is ruined

[1:27:29] because he's gotten to this argument with his wife.

[1:27:31] And it's a pretty good scene in the middle of a B-minus movie,

[1:27:36] but I guess I just like long sequences where people just show off a skill like cooking, you know?

[1:27:45] So for me, this has nothing to do with movies.

[1:27:48] One of my strongest food memories and a piece of pop culture was when I was a teenager after

[1:27:56] after soccer practice, we had a soccer practice which ended early

[1:28:01] because there was a police chase through the park we were playing soccer.

[1:28:06] And so, and there was like a possible gun scare.

[1:28:10] So, so soccer practice ended early.

[1:28:12] And I think to make me feel better, my mom drove me by the comic shop

[1:28:17] and got me a Pizza Hut pan pizza.

[1:28:21] So I remember sitting in my, sitting in my basement,

[1:28:24] eating that delicious Pizza Hut pan pizza and reading Spider-Man 16

[1:28:29] where it was a crossover between my two favorite comics at the time, Spider-Man and X-Force.

[1:28:36] That was the sideways issue, right?

[1:28:37] Yeah, the sideways issue.

[1:28:38] And that like to this day, if I'm ever thinking of like a,

[1:28:45] like if anyone's ever like, hey, you should treat yourself.

[1:28:49] That's what I imagine is me sitting on a couch somewhere eating,

[1:28:53] you know, butter, you know, delicious buttery crust pizza, like a Ninja Turtle.

[1:29:02] I have the opposite of that, where my idea of a meal of shame is eating at Ruby Tuesdays,

[1:29:07] because I remember when I got kicked out of camp one summer,

[1:29:11] my parents had to come pick me up and it was too late for us to go

[1:29:14] straight home without eating dinner.

[1:29:16] So we just stopped at a Ruby Tuesdays and had dinner.

[1:29:18] And it was like, and I kept thinking in a movie,

[1:29:21] they would just cut between them picking me up and then the next day,

[1:29:25] but this was real life.

[1:29:26] So I had to experience all the time between those two moments and sit and eat at Ruby Tuesdays and

[1:29:31] just have them look at me and think about how they were going to have to deal with me for a

[1:29:36] couple of weeks they didn't expect to.

[1:29:38] Was it the lunch special?

[1:29:40] Because they have a pretty solid lunch special with,

[1:29:42] where you get like a burger, like mini burgers and some salad bar.

[1:29:46] Was it that?

[1:29:46] No, it was dinner.

[1:29:48] Yeah, I think I probably had chicken fingers.

[1:29:51] My one association with the Ruby Tuesdays, the one time I ate there,

[1:29:54] I got something with like onion rings and in the middle of my onion.

[1:30:00] was a fried rubber band, and are you sure that wasn't just an onion?

[1:30:06] Because they taste very similar.

[1:30:08] You're like, this wasn't the kind of ring I was looking for.

[1:30:12] I pointed it out to the waitress and she's like,

[1:30:14] uh, let me get you a free sundae.

[1:30:16] You said, point McCoy.

[1:30:20] I love that option of like,

[1:30:22] I gave you the wrong thing and I'm going to give you a free dessert,

[1:30:26] dude, because it looks like you'd like it.

[1:30:29] Like my wife, my wife got a,

[1:30:32] we went to a fancy restaurant and they gave her the complete wrong fish dish

[1:30:36] and she's allergic to a lot of things.

[1:30:39] And the waitress, the waitress's response was,

[1:30:43] oh, oh, well, I guess dessert's on us.

[1:30:45] And it's like, no, bring me the thing I wanted.

[1:30:48] Yeah.

[1:30:49] Yeah.

[1:30:51] That's crazy.

[1:30:52] I guess the only other food memory I have is when I was young

[1:30:55] and my family was visiting France and I ate an oyster for the first time

[1:30:59] and the taste was so powerful that I knew from that day forward,

[1:31:03] I wanted to have a TV show where I would go to foreign countries

[1:31:05] and exoticize them, but pretend that I was like,

[1:31:08] had a deeper understanding of them than maybe even the people who live there.

[1:31:12] And that's how you became Anthony Bourdain.

[1:31:15] Yep, exactly.

[1:31:16] Dan got it.

[1:31:17] So this is, last one is from David, last name withheld.

[1:31:24] Oh boy.

[1:31:24] Elliot's brother.

[1:31:25] It's my brother, though.

[1:31:26] Oh God, it's been so long.

[1:31:28] I thought we had freed ourselves.

[1:31:30] Hello, Floptastic Trio.

[1:31:33] I'm sorry I haven't written in so long.

[1:31:35] I'm sure you missed me.

[1:31:37] That's the same thing as Serial Killer,

[1:31:39] who has just reappeared after a decade, writes to the police chief.

[1:31:42] Yep, he gave us all the clues.

[1:31:44] Yeah, Mr. Policeman.

[1:31:46] But once Elliot moved to LA,

[1:31:48] I took it as a sign that he was trying to limit his contact with me.

[1:31:53] No comment.

[1:31:54] I'll try and keep it quick,

[1:31:55] as I imagine your patience with me has run pretty thin if I caused Elliot to move.

[1:31:58] So here goes.

[1:32:00] I did not intend to leave Elliot hanging with my urgent message

[1:32:03] about the taxidermying frog museum in Split, Croatia.

[1:32:08] It was more a result of low data on my international cell phone plan.

[1:32:11] For Flop fans in need of proof this exists,

[1:32:13] I will post the photo on the group Facebook page.

[1:32:16] More to the point,

[1:32:16] Stewart's concern over frogs choosing a sport

[1:32:18] that doesn't utilize their powerful back legs is well taken.

[1:32:22] But competitive high-level rowing actually requires an enormous amount of lower body strength,

[1:32:27] and as such, hypothetically, might be ideal for a team of frogs.

[1:32:31] Feel free to expound on the exciting places following this to its logical conclusions would take you.

[1:32:35] Thanks as always.

[1:32:37] And if you want to see the museum in person sometime,

[1:32:39] Croatia is lovely and not just for its taxidermy.

[1:32:42] David, last name withheld, Elliot's brother.

[1:32:46] Actually, that was very nice.

[1:32:47] Thanks for the frog museum recommendation, Dave.

[1:32:50] And yeah, head on over to the Facebook page,

[1:32:52] I guess, if you want to see these frogs rowing a boat.

[1:32:55] Yeah, I saw it. It was quite something.

[1:32:58] I still think that frogs are really going to enjoy jumping-based sports more.

[1:33:02] Sure.

[1:33:03] But again, am I just assuming that because society has forced them into jumping-based sports?

[1:33:08] Maybe I'm the one who's being stereotyping here.

[1:33:11] Yeah, maybe they like rowing because it's kind of the opposite of what you'd expect.

[1:33:17] You'd expect them to be good at swimming or water polo,

[1:33:20] but instead they're outside of the water traveling on it.

[1:33:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah, or like hurdles or pole vault.

[1:33:29] Yeah, yeah, or jumping sports.

[1:33:31] It's a new paradigm in frogs.

[1:33:35] I wish that was the slogan of your new business, Dan.

[1:33:39] You're like we and you're doing like an Apple-style like product launch and you're like,

[1:33:43] we took a look at frogs and we realized there's a lot of improvements to be made.

[1:33:49] And wait, there's more.

[1:33:52] Now this frog has boobs.

[1:33:56] Wow, is it like Digum, the Sugar Smacks frog?

[1:34:02] Wait, does he? Hold on.

[1:34:04] I mean, he's just an anthropomorphic frog.

[1:34:06] Yeah, but you know, it's Digum.

[1:34:10] I'm sure he's wearing that loose shirt so you don't know what's going on under there.

[1:34:14] No, no one knows.

[1:34:18] Yeah, I mean, it's up to your imagination, depending on how, you know, how creative you're being.

[1:34:22] There's got to be some kind of deviant art picture of that.

[1:34:25] Yeah.

[1:34:26] Unless we've discovered the one cartoon character that nobody has bothered to make deviant art about.

[1:34:32] To sexualize.

[1:34:33] It's either Digum or it's where it smacks the honey bear, whatever his name is.

[1:34:38] Yeah, I, yeah, now I'm just imagining some kid out there, you know,

[1:34:44] Go on.

[1:34:47] Discovering sexuality for the first time, watching Saturday morning cartoons, getting it all mixed up in his little brain.

[1:34:55] Okay.

[1:34:56] Well, if they were going to, it would be because they watched Heathcliff and saw Riff Raff's girlfriend.

[1:35:02] Oh, yeah.

[1:35:04] I mean, I say that as if I know what you're talking about.

[1:35:05] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:35:07] Well, she's an attractive cat lady.

[1:35:09] Okay.

[1:35:10] Yeah.

[1:35:10] I'm not going to imagine that.

[1:35:11] I mean, she's no Cheetahra, but come on.

[1:35:13] I mean, that's more on the lady spectrum than the cat spectrum, though.

[1:35:18] And she's like, here's my question.

[1:35:20] Yeah.

[1:35:20] And she's, no, well, let's continue into the fetishization of Cheetahra.

[1:35:24] Just saying they were all naked in that first episode.

[1:35:27] So, like, you know.

[1:35:30] So that golden, so that golden crisp bear.

[1:35:34] Yeah.

[1:35:34] Here's my question.

[1:35:35] The Trix rabbit.

[1:35:37] Okay.

[1:35:37] And that Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs bird became huge stars.

[1:35:41] People still talk about them to this day.

[1:35:43] You would think that you would think the sugar bear with his smooth voice and his reasonable demeanor would have been a much bigger star.

[1:35:51] People would have wanted to be around him.

[1:35:52] But instead, these crazier characters got it.

[1:35:54] How do you explain that?

[1:35:56] You're saying that the other characters you assume were difficult to work with behind the scenes.

[1:36:03] Where just they're off.

[1:36:04] They're off-putting.

[1:36:05] You know, there's nothing comforting about them.

[1:36:06] I mean, I think it depends.

[1:36:07] Like just once again, think about the market.

[1:36:10] The person who is excited about the character is going to be a child.

[1:36:13] And children like, you know, like Drop Dead Freds.

[1:36:19] Children love the irritating and abrasive.

[1:36:23] Okay.

[1:36:23] I can bear that out.

[1:36:25] I also do.

[1:36:27] So, Dan, are there any other letters?

[1:36:29] No, that's it.

[1:36:29] That's a smash.

[1:36:32] Oh, I should smash it.

[1:36:33] I should also get a letter.

[1:36:34] I should also tell my brother I did not move to lessen my time with you, David.

[1:36:38] And the fact that I get even less time with you now is one of my regrets about moving.

[1:36:42] Oh, that's very nice.

[1:36:43] That's nice.

[1:36:44] Okay, let's move on.

[1:36:45] Okay.

[1:36:46] He'll buy that, right?

[1:36:47] Great.

[1:36:49] So, the last segment of the show is where we recommend things, movies that we've seen that we actually like.

[1:36:54] That you should watch probably instead of the movie we watched for this podcast.

[1:36:59] Unless you have your own bad movie podcast.

[1:37:00] In which case, stay in your fucking lane.

[1:37:03] Wow.

[1:37:05] A harsh statement.

[1:37:07] Throwing the gauntlet down.

[1:37:09] I mean, I think a little bit of healthy competition is good for art, you know?

[1:37:14] Yeah, Dan, why don't you enjoy the free market?

[1:37:20] I want everything for myself, Elliot.

[1:37:21] So, this is the part of the episode where we recommend movies.

[1:37:23] And Dan is dying to recommend a movie.

[1:37:26] What is it, Dan?

[1:37:28] Is it chips?

[1:37:29] Stuart, as always, pushing us along.

[1:37:33] My recommendation, I went and saw Lady Bird.

[1:37:37] The movie that Greta Gerwig wrote and directed.

[1:37:41] I know that...

[1:37:42] I want to see that.

[1:37:43] I know that many folks named Stuart in the room are not fans of Noah Baumbach's work.

[1:37:49] Which I assume include his collaborations with Ms. Gerwig.

[1:37:54] But a lot of what I think you might like about the movies still exists in Lady Bird.

[1:38:01] And what you might dislike about Noah Baumbach's work is not there.

[1:38:05] So, it's much less, I guess what people would say, call twee.

[1:38:15] I like Baumbach, so I don't have that problem.

[1:38:17] But it's much more of a straightforward kind of warm-hearted coming-of-age story about this girl who is at a Catholic school.

[1:38:29] She's going through her last year of school, going up into college.

[1:38:33] It's not a particularly special year, but it's also an eventful one.

[1:38:38] And there's a lot about her relationship with her mother, played by Laurie Metcalf, who everyone loves.

[1:38:46] Because she's amazing.

[1:38:47] And it's like a contentious relationship.

[1:38:51] But there's obviously a lot of love underneath it.

[1:38:53] But it's still difficult.

[1:38:55] And I like the movie quite a bit.

[1:38:57] I think that not being a woman who, at all, and not being a woman who had a contentious relationship with her mom,

[1:39:06] I think that this movie may speak even more to someone who went through that in their own life.

[1:39:13] Someone who had the experience of growing up a young woman and having a difficult relationship with their parent.

[1:39:20] What was that?

[1:39:22] I think my phone buzzed.

[1:39:25] So you're saying this movie is potentially deep and affecting?

[1:39:41] It was affecting to me, but I can see how it would be even more affecting to someone who went through similar experiences in their life.

[1:39:47] And it's very funny and adorable, too.

[1:39:51] Sounds good.

[1:39:54] And it's about Lady Bird Johnson, the former First Lady.

[1:39:57] That's right.

[1:39:58] That's right.

[1:39:59] That's cool.

[1:40:00] I'm gonna recommend a movie that

[1:40:08] The dismissive that's cool. Anyway, the implication is always that you're what you're about to say is much cooler

[1:40:16] Yes, yeah, yeah, it's a touch-and-coming of age film that's cool anyway, so this one's called blood

[1:40:23] I'm gonna recommend a movie that just went up on shutter a little bit ago. It's a low-budget

[1:40:30] Blood

[1:40:33] Is the movie called found footage 3d I watch it in 2d

[1:40:39] the premise of the movie is a couple of is a couple of filmmakers are

[1:40:44] Trying to put together a low-budget horror movie

[1:40:48] and they

[1:40:50] Get the idea to make the they wanna you know, you need to have an in so they're

[1:40:55] They're in is their their hook is that this is gonna be the first ever found footage movie that's also in 3d

[1:41:02] which doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's part of the joke and

[1:41:07] so the majority of the movie covers them trying to make this movie and

[1:41:12] there's a little bit of internal strife in the people that are there and it they go to a

[1:41:17] Remote location and it's spooky and things start happening and it's pretty great

[1:41:22] I

[1:41:23] Think for that type for a found footage movie. It makes a lot of use out of what it has

[1:41:29] But it's also pretty it's watchable. It's funny and it um, I

[1:41:35] Don't know. It doesn't like everything's readable. I feel like a lot of found footage films

[1:41:39] Forget that like they have to make a movie that it other people are going to watch and enjoy watching

[1:41:46] It's like they go too far into the into the found footageness of it

[1:41:50] Forget that you're gonna be you as a viewer still gonna be watching it as a as a film not as home someone's home movies

[1:41:56] Yeah, so check it out

[1:42:00] And uh, that's cool I'm gonna recommend

[1:42:05] I'm gonna recommend a movie from

[1:42:08] 1953 what a surprise. It's an oldie

[1:42:11] It's a movie called sawdust and tinsel and this is an Ingmar Bergman film before he really like

[1:42:17] Hit into his big stride and so one of the interesting things about it is to see it as kind of like

[1:42:24] Ingmar Bergman on the way to becoming the artist that he would become I also I like that like sawdust and tinsel sounds like a

[1:42:32] Joke name that someone would come up for an art film, by the way

[1:42:35] I mean what is it is the story of a the ringmaster of a traveling circus who is having trouble with his

[1:42:43] Mistress who is one of the performers in the circus?

[1:42:46] Love triangle briefly emerges between them and a local actor in the town that they go into I mentioned this to my wife and she

[1:42:53] Goes well, it sounds like the most European movie

[1:42:56] And it is very European. It's set in the circus and Europeans love circuses

[1:43:00] but uh

[1:43:01] It's a it's a really grim movie as Ingmar Bergman ones are

[1:43:05] But it's the first movie he made with Sven Nyqvist the cinematographer and so it looks amazing

[1:43:11] And it was just you know, one of these one of these Swedish Ingmar Bergman, you know

[1:43:16] Life is terrible type movies that I really like a lot. You're real like his stuff

[1:43:20] Yeah, yeah, if you like his stuff and you haven't seen it then sawdust and tinsel

[1:43:25] There's a section in the beginning of it that's done almost like a silent film

[1:43:29] That I thought was really cool because it shows his affinity for the films of that era the era he grew up in

[1:43:35] Anyway, that's my recommendation sawdust and tinsel deal with it

[1:43:39] Okay, I guess I'll have to yeah, yeah what

[1:43:43] You have to deal with it. I mean Dan you're doing a pretty good job dealing with it

[1:43:46] It's well, I mean it outside and inside is all turmoil. Okay

[1:43:51] But uh, all right. Well guys, this has been great

[1:43:54] I still don't know after a decade of doing the show how to end a program. So I'm just

[1:44:00] gonna say

[1:44:02] goodbye and

[1:44:04] Say that my name has been Dan McCoy, that's cool. I've been Stuart Willington. I

[1:44:11] Think both you guys are cool, and I'm Elliot Kalin. Good night, everybody Turtles forever. Bye

[1:44:24] Dan let's go through our daily affirmations that you and I go through every day

[1:44:29] I call you at

[1:44:31] 5 in the morning my time which is 8 in the morning your time just so I can get you kind of in the morning

[1:44:35] I'm why you're getting ready

[1:44:37] It's a huge burden on me because it gets into my sleep and I can't really get back to sleep afterwards

[1:44:41] But here's what Dan and I go through every day. Okay, my name is Dan

[1:44:45] People like me. They like me for a reason. The reason they like me is because I'm a good person

[1:44:51] I'm a good person and I'm a talented person

[1:44:54] People like me and they deserve to like me and I deserve their liking and I have Dan say that 40 times every morning

[1:45:00] It's very confusing. I think

[1:45:06] Every morning it's the same thing. I'm trying to help you and you're like, can we can we cut down this affirmation? It's like, oh, come on

[1:45:15] Maximum fun org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

Ep.#245 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Chapters

Transcript

Description