Ep.#245 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time.

Elliott Kalan

[0:06] The only movie with the word turtle twice in the title. Find another one, I dare you.

[0:30] The only movie with the word turtle twice in the title.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00] I mean, if that's like your grade for gym, that's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] Do you grade people at gym?

[1:07] Was your gym pass-fail grade?

[1:10] Yes. Yeah, gym, I think, is almost always pass-fail.

[1:14] You think the gym teacher is just sitting in his office at night grading, what, your times on the shuttle runs?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] It's not just that, right? Don't you also have to fill out tests about what are the rules to hockey?

[1:28] Yeah.

[1:29] No.

[1:29] Or how to do a pull-up best.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32] It's a five-paragraph essay about pull-ups.

[1:35] Yeah.

[1:35] And I wrote mine on diapers, the pull-up diapers, and that was not what he wanted.

[1:40] Although much more useful in your daily life, right?

[1:43] Oh, yeah. I use that information all the time.

[1:45] People say you don't learn what you're going to use.

[1:46] You don't use what you learn in gym in your regular life, but I did with that essay on pull-up diapers.

[1:50] Yeah, that's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] Dan told me the first time you walked into the Daily Show as a head writer, you had just pulled up your diaper and you said, I'm a big kid now.

Dan McCoy

[1:59] I said, mommy, wow, I'm a big kid now.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] Oh, I'm sorry for misquoting you.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:06] I mean, it was a weird power move, but we all, you know, it worked.

[2:11] We all showed him the respect afforded someone who could use a diaper.

Elliott Kalan

[2:16] Use a potty, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] The diaper is just there as an emergency backup.

[2:22] Okay.

[2:22] Yeah.

[2:23] Think of it as a fire extinguisher in your pants.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] Sure, I will, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] Very useful in case your pocket catches on fire.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] Yeah.

[2:34] I guess that's right.

[2:36] So, what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[2:38] There's that question that I...

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] Wait, I have a better question.

[2:41] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[2:43] Okay.

[2:43] Yep.

[2:44] Answer his first.

[2:45] All right.

[2:46] To the gentleman on Skype, I will say that this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie,

[2:52] and then we talk about it.

[2:53] And to the gentleman...

[2:54] Follow...

[2:54] Directly to my right, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:58] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:00] I have one follow-up.

[3:01] Yeah.

[3:01] What movie did we watch this time?

Dan McCoy

[3:04] We watched a movie called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3.

[3:07] Now...

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] Wait, wait, wait.

[3:09] Let me see.

[3:09] I think I have a question.

[3:11] This is the question my wife, Charlene, asked me when I was watching this movie.

[3:15] Yeah.

[3:15] Why the fuck was I watching that movie?

Dan McCoy

[3:18] Well, so we're doing another pod crawl with some fellow podcasts.

[3:24] One of them is Read It and Weep.

[3:26] I'm not really sure what the other one was.

[3:28] I should have found that out.

[3:30] But...

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Yeah.

[3:31] I hope it was not Louis C.K. and Harvey Weinstein's white nationalism podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[3:38] No.

[3:38] Yeah.

[3:39] It's...

[3:39] Yeah.

[3:40] Their podcast, If True...

Dan McCoy

[3:43] If True...

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:47] So, between the three podcasts, we're watching all three of the old-style Teenage Mutant Ninja

[3:53] Turtle movies.

[3:53] And you can go to podcrawl.space.

[3:57] That's podcrawl.space to have all of the podcasts lumped together on a convenient website.

Stuart Wellington

[4:04] Is that where all the space websites are located?

[4:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] It's Neil deGrasse Tyson's website.

[4:11] God damn it.

[4:12] I don't want to support that guy.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] I don't know why you said that, but I'm sure with the way the news is going, we'll find

[4:19] out some reason not to support him.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] I mean, there's already been allegations against him recently.

[4:22] Oh, great.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] Oh, really?

[4:23] Oh, I didn't know about that.

[4:25] Yikes.

[4:25] What is it with these Tyson boys?

[4:28] Neil deGrasse Tyson, Mike Tyson, Tyson Chicken, they all have their problems, you know?

[4:32] Yep.

[4:33] Let's steer away from this.

[4:35] Anyway, so Dan, you're saying that Read It and Weep is doing what?

[4:39] Ninja Turtles, the first one?

Dan McCoy

[4:41] I think that they're doing the second one.

[4:43] I think that the-

[4:44] Okay, Secret of the Ooze.

[4:45] The Unknown podcast is doing the first-

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] Man, you're going to have a fun time editing the name of this podcast in our show.

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] I love the lack of research on Dan's part.

[4:56] So just to set the-

[4:58] So this is part three of the pod crawl, the final part, the denouement, if you will.

[5:03] At this point, just to lay in the backstory on the turtles, our favorite foursome, the fab four,

[5:09] some might say, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have emerged in New York in the first film,

[5:14] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and made friends with April O'Neil, local reporter.

[5:18] Yep.

[5:18] Then in the second movie, they discovered the secret of the ooze in the aptly titled

[5:22] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, The Secret of the Ooze, which also introduced us to Toka,

[5:27] Razor, Super Shredder, and also Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap.

[5:30] And now it brings us all the way to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time, as I insist it is called.

Dan McCoy

[5:37] Guys, I found out what the name of the third podcast is.

[5:41] Oh, great.

[5:42] It's too beautiful to live.

[5:44] And I apologize to them for not having that information on hand earlier.

[5:48] It wasn't in the original email that I got, so I just forgot to look it up.

Stuart Wellington

[5:52] So your mouth is saying you apologize, but your face is saying, I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] Guys, no one on the podcast can see my face.

[6:01] You're throwing me under the bus.

[6:03] Just to defend Dan, too beautiful to live, I just want to defend Dan that how could he remember to look up the information ahead of time?

[6:09] He's only been doing this podcast for a decade.

[6:13] He's only done this podcast for longer than anyone can legally be president of the United States.

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] So you talked a little bit about the extended cast in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe, but I think you forgot the breakout star,

[6:30] Casey Jones, played by teen heartthrob Elias Codius.

[6:35] Was he a teen heartthrob?

[6:37] I mean, now, isn't he?

[6:39] He's on all those Chicago Fire shows.

[6:41] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] Teens love Chicago Fire shows.

Stuart Wellington

[6:46] I was watching this with my wife, as I mentioned, and in between looking at her iPad to play Solitaire,

[6:55] she looked up at the screen every once in a while, and she saw Casey Jones come on screen,

[7:00] and she's like, where do I know that guy from?

[7:03] And I had to do the research and let her know that he's in all of her favorite Chicago shows.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] He's in a lot of great stuff, and he's in Zodiac.

[7:11] He's a great actor.

[7:12] He's a lot of good stuff.

[7:13] Yeah, he's awesome.

[7:14] Yeah.

[7:14] He's Dan's favorite actor.

Stuart Wellington

[7:15] What are all of her favorite Chicago shows?

[7:17] Chicago Fire, Chicago Law, Chicago PD, and Chicago Med.

[7:21] Ha ha, I named them all.

[7:24] Wow.

[7:24] You did it.

[7:25] But they're all like, it's like the fucking MCU over there, but it's in Chicago.

[7:30] Okay.

[7:31] It posits a world where Chicago is a city.

Dan McCoy

[7:34] Ha ha ha.

[7:36] And people can live in it and go from different, like, interact in different careers.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] Like, the same way that Hulk shows up in Thor Ragnarok in Chicago, someone else who lives in Chicago might show up.

[7:49] Sure.

[7:50] Just because they're there.

[7:52] I mean, it happens.

[7:53] Yeah.

[7:55] Don't take my word for it.

[7:57] Check out Chicago at your local library.

[7:59] Ba-da-ba-ba.

[8:00] Okay, guys.

[8:01] Let's get into this movie.

[8:02] Okay.

[8:02] Because the great thing about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time, is that we've reached the third chapter in the series.

[8:09] And in most movie series, the third chapter is when the movies kind of have run out of ideas and start going a little bonkers.

[8:16] Sometimes that can be great, as in the aforementioned Thor Ragnarok, in which they decide, what makes the most sense for this ancient god?

[8:24] I guess we'll throw him in a space battle.

[8:27] Yeah.

[8:27] In like a space gladiator contest on the other side of the universe.

[8:31] And it works out great.

[8:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[8:33] In this case, Ninja is usually the first—

Stuart Wellington

[8:34] Did you see the statue face of Beta Ray Bill on that planet?

[8:39] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:40] And the bi-beast was on there, but I was super excited.

Stuart Wellington

[8:43] Did you start running around the theater, pointing at the screen, telling everybody, Beta Ray Bill, Beta Ray Bill?

Elliott Kalan

[8:48] And there's Man Thing.

[8:50] And that—yeah.

[8:51] The only problem I had with Beta Ray Bill's face showing up on that building was it told me Beta Ray Bill is not going to be appearing in the mid-credits reveal scene.

[9:01] Because I was holding out hope that he was going to show up, because I love that guy so much.

[9:05] That horse-faced alien.

[9:07] I love Beta Ray Bill.

[9:08] Anyway, so the first movie in the series, they introduce the characters.

[9:12] Who are these guys?

[9:13] Second movie in the series, they delve into the origins.

[9:16] Third movie, it's like, uh, what do we do with these guys?

[9:19] And in this case, they decided, send them backwards in time to feudal Japan.

[9:23] Because why not?

[9:24] It's organic to the Turtle franchise.

Stuart Wellington

[9:26] That first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie came out, like, at the perfect time for me.

[9:31] Like, I was at the right age to be like, I am super into this movie.

[9:35] And then the second one came out just slightly too late for me.

[9:41] Like, I definitely felt like I was a slightly older kid going to a little kid's movie.

[9:47] And then this one, I didn't see in the theater, because at that point, it had passed me by quite a bit.

Elliott Kalan

[9:53] Oh, see, I'm a couple years younger than you.

[9:55] So the first two movies were right in my sweet spot.

[9:58] First movie, wait, they're making a movie about the Ninja Turtles, my favorite characters in the world?

[10:04] And I had to go see it.

[10:05] Second one, this is going to be great.

[10:06] I love it.

[10:07] Yeah, Grandma, take me to Ninja Turtles 2, Secret of the Ooze.

[10:10] Because I made my grandmother sit through the whole movie.

[10:12] And then by the time Turtles 3 came out, I had that feeling of like, I should be too old for this, but I'm going to go see it anyway.

[10:19] And feeling like I was seeing a little kid movie.

[10:21] So you'd seen this one previously?

Dan McCoy

[10:23] You'd seen this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:24] I saw this in the theaters.

[10:26] Oh, my God.

[10:26] I didn't see it since I saw it in the theaters, but it was amazing how I didn't remember a lot of it.

[10:32] But there were moments in it where I was like, I remember that moment.

[10:35] Yeah.

[10:35] I remember when the Samurais go back through time in their underpants.

[10:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:40] So you waited in line for hours and days just to get into a screening of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:46] I set up a tent.

[10:47] Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

[10:48] What year is this, 93?

[10:49] Yeah, as an 11-year-old.

[10:50] I just set up that pup tent and camped out for days.

[10:54] And my parents were like, you have to come home.

[10:57] Child service is going to take you away if you don't come home.

[10:59] And I said, no, I got to see the turtles go in time, as is in the title of the film.

[11:05] Yeah.

[11:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] I just saw the first movie in the theater.

[11:10] I was probably even a little too old to be going to see the first movie at the time in the theater.

[11:16] But my friend was like, hey.

Stuart Wellington

[11:18] Your babysitter's like, I got to do something with this guy.

[11:21] Yeah.

[11:22] With this 14-year-old.

Dan McCoy

[11:24] I do think it was like a case where my friend was going to go see a movie, and that was the acceptable movie to his parents for us to see.

[11:30] So I'm just like, yeah, I don't go see movies.

[11:32] This is great.

[11:33] I love movies.

[11:34] Any kind of movie.

[11:34] Give it to me.

[11:35] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Stuart Wellington

[11:37] Yep.

[11:37] Your friend's like, oh, okay, Dan.

[11:39] I guess I'll take you to this thing.

[11:41] And I was surprised.

Dan McCoy

[11:42] I enjoyed the first one more than I thought.

[11:43] I think mostly because, I don't know, this is like Jim Henson creature effects for the turtles and shredder.

[11:51] And the first, yeah.

[11:53] This one is noticeably cheaper, but they kind of had like, kind of charming.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] More ambitious in scope.

Elliott Kalan

[12:00] Yeah.

[12:01] Now, when you say noticeably cheaper, does that include the grotesque quality of the turtles' mouth movements?

[12:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:09] You found that grotesque?

[12:11] I, you know, I found something weirdly.

[12:14] It's kind of like Odysseus and the sirens.

[12:18] Like, I had Charlene tie me to the couch so I didn't walk to the screen and smash my face into their mouths.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] But, so let's talk.

[12:31] So, Ninja Turtles, let me just say right off the bat, I've lost track with them, let that to be honest.

[12:36] But when I was a kid, I was a huge...

[12:38] You should give them a call.

[12:38] You should catch up.

[12:39] Yeah.

[12:39] I got a call up Donatello, my favorite.

[12:42] I was a huge shellhead as a kid.

[12:43] Watched the show religiously.

[12:44] I collected all the toys.

[12:46] Couldn't wait for the movies.

[12:48] Like, Ninja Turtles is one of those things where I, like, my whole life was about it when I was like eight.

Stuart Wellington

[12:54] Did you play the TMNT arcade game?

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] Oh, yeah.

[12:58] All the time.

[12:59] Yeah.

[12:59] I spent, there was a roller skating rink near my house that had the TMNT, the big arcade game.

[13:05] And I used to just pump quarters into that.

[13:07] I don't know how much of my college money went into that.

[13:10] That could have been gone into giving me an education.

[13:13] But now it's one of those things where I'm like, I still enjoy Ninja Turtle related stuff every now and then, I guess.

[13:19] Like, and they reboot the comic books sometimes, I'll check it out.

[13:22] But it boggles my mind that there are people my age who are still like, yeah, I'm a huge Ninja Turtles fan.

[13:29] I'm all about Ninja Turtles.

[13:30] That seems crazy to me.

Stuart Wellington

[13:32] Now, is your attitude based on just general turtle stuff?

[13:38] Or is it based on, say, the quality of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time?

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] Wait, my attitude of not really being that into it?

Stuart Wellington

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] Is it based on, like, just you are now too old to appreciate the basic qualities of the Ninja Turtles?

[13:56] Or?

Elliott Kalan

[13:56] Apparently not.

[13:57] Because as we'll find out when we talk about the movie, I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I was going to.

[14:02] No, it's because I just grew up and I got into grown-up things.

[14:05] Like Frank Miller's run on Daredevil.

[14:08] Grown-up stuff.

[14:09] You know?

[14:09] Adult stuff.

Dan McCoy

[14:10] The stuff that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles originally was kind of parodying.

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] Yeah, exactly.

[14:17] I said, why am I dealing with the adaptation when I can go straight to the source?

[14:21] Now, okay, let's talk about this particular movie, though.

[14:23] And keep in mind, you're talking to an original shellhead.

[14:28] I'm looking right now.

[14:29] Actually, I can see on my bookcase my battered old collection of the original Eastman and Laird Ninja Turtles comics that I sent away for with cereal box tops to get.

[14:39] And was very traumatized by how violent it was when it arrived in the mail.

[14:45] Which cereal was it?

[14:47] It was like Turtle Bits cereal or whatever the Ninja Turtle cereal was called.

[14:51] Or Ninja Turtle cereal.

[14:53] Was it like pizza flavored?

[14:56] No, but it was in the shape of pizza and little ninja nets.

[15:00] And like little bows.

[15:02] I think there might have been little shurikens.

Dan McCoy

[15:05] I'm amazed that that child's cereal would send you the original Eastman and Laird comics.

[15:13] Rather than some goofy cartoon influence.

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] Well, that cereal knows that you're like a cool elite comics gamer dude, right?

[15:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] That cereal's like, oh, this cereal that's little candy pieces in the shape of ninja nets and pizza slices.

[15:33] This is just for the discerning independent black and white comics reader.

[15:38] But anyway, okay.

[15:39] Let's get back.

[15:40] Did I eventually get that book signed by Peter Laird?

[15:43] Yes, I did.

[15:44] But let's move on to the movie at hand.

[15:46] Okay.

[15:47] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time.

[15:49] Let's talk about this film because we have not for a while.

[15:52] Okay.

[15:53] We begin.

[15:54] We begin in Japan, 1603.

[15:57] And a samurai prince.

Stuart Wellington

[16:00] Yes?

[16:00] Do we...

[16:01] Is there a title card that says Japan 1603?

[16:04] Or am I just supposed to...

[16:05] Yes, there is.

[16:06] Okay.

[16:06] No, no.

[16:06] There's a title card that says...

[16:08] I was looking at my phone.

[16:10] It was the end of a really important Kickstarter for me.

[16:12] So I missed some parts.

[16:14] But I thought the movie was being pretty cool by just assuming the audience was smart enough to pick up on context clues.

Elliott Kalan

[16:23] There's a surprising amount of this movie where they're just like, kids, we expect you to know the basics of samurai clan politics in Japan in the 16th, 17th centuries.

[16:35] You just need to know that this is a time of warring clans.

[16:39] Although, I thought it said 1603, but on the Wikipedia entry it says 1593.

[16:44] So, I don't know.

[16:45] Maybe they pushed it forward 10 years for the digital release.

[16:48] I don't know.

[16:48] Sure.

[16:49] But, A, there's a runaway...

[16:51] There's a prince.

[16:52] He's the son of Lord Noronaga, who is a warring daimyo, or, you know, clan headsman.

[16:59] He's being chased by four samurai on horseback.

[17:01] There's a lot of ADR yelling, and it's all being watched by a lady bowman with a bow and arrow.

[17:08] As they, as these samurais chase after this prince and capture him.

[17:13] Cut to the turtles.

[17:14] They're in their hideout that they established, I think, at the end of the second movie that's like an abandoned train station.

[17:19] And they spend a ton of time dancing around to a song that goes, I can't stop rocking.

[17:26] Now, is this...

[17:27] They do a lot of posing and...

Stuart Wellington

[17:28] In the original script, do you think the script, like, describes their actions, or they're just like, 10 minutes of turtle goofing?

Elliott Kalan

[17:36] I think it was like, yeah, it was like, interior, abandoned train station.

[17:42] The four turtles, and their names are listed in their ages, dance in a conga line type arrangement to this song.

[17:49] And then, cut to, Raphael jumps around showing off his weaponry.

[17:52] Cut to, Leonardo jumps around showing off his weaponry.

[17:55] Because they're all kind of showing off their weapons and doing kicks.

Stuart Wellington

[17:57] It's a really great way of, it's a really great bit of exposition, similar to, like, the Chris Claremont X-Men comics, right?

[18:04] Yeah, yeah.

[18:04] Where in the first couple pages he describes every character.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] And every time Storm sees, like, a small room, she goes, oh, but I'm claustrophobic from when I was a child in Cairo.

Stuart Wellington

[18:14] Yep.

[18:14] And Havoc is always faced with a situation where he could use his powers, but he would totally smear the shit out of the person if he used it.

[18:21] It's like, I might accidentally blow up Rogue or something.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] And Rogue's like, I wish I could touch you, darling, but my power, the first time I ever used it, it stole my boyfriend's memory and put him in a coma.

[18:33] It's like, yeah, Rogue, you've told me, like, a hundred times.

[18:37] Like, Rogue, enough sharing.

[18:39] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[18:40] I'm sorry, I touched someone with memory loss.

[18:42] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] And then I didn't know anything for a while.

[18:47] I touched that memento, and now I remember things backwards.

Dan McCoy

[18:52] That's not how that movie works, Rogue.

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] Anyway.

[18:57] I got a date with Gambit tonight.

[19:00] And Gambit's like, oh, mon petit.

[19:02] Oh.

[19:03] Uh-huh, yep.

[19:05] That's what he sounds like.

[19:06] How much longer are we going to do this bit?

[19:10] We didn't even get to the part where Wolverine's like, I've got to keep the animal inside me controlled.

[19:15] That's the samurai way.

[19:16] Speaking of samurai, let's get back to the Teen Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[19:19] Now, here's something that, I'm just going to jump ahead for a moment.

[19:21] Here's something the movie never really gets at.

[19:24] Samurais and ninjas hate each other.

[19:27] Yeah, yeah.

[19:28] So, there should be, it just enters into it.

[19:32] And it's almost like this movie was made by people who didn't really get the difference between ninjas and samurais.

Stuart Wellington

[19:37] But, I mean, you're bringing that up as if you're informing people.

[19:41] But I think everybody already knows that ninjas and samurai are very different things.

[19:45] Okay.

[19:46] Let's put a pin in that, though.

[19:48] One of them has no honor.

[19:51] And the other, their entire life is for their clan in Daimyo.

Elliott Kalan

[19:55] Exactly.

[19:56] Let's put a pin in that, though.

[19:57] Because Raphael gets mad while they're posing.

[19:59] Breaks their boombox.

[20:00] He says he's tired of practicing.

[20:02] He's a real hothead.

[20:03] That's when April visits.

Stuart Wellington

[20:05] That's practicing, what they were doing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:07] I guess, yeah.

[20:09] A lot of their practicing involves dancing, too.

[20:11] I can't stop rocking.

[20:14] April visits.

[20:15] She's about to leave on vacation.

[20:16] And she gives everybody gifts.

[20:18] And the gift she has for Splinter is an antique Japanese lantern.

[20:21] Cut to 17th century Japan again.

[20:24] And this is something that the movie does a lot that I think is hilarious, which is it cuts between the present and the 17th century as if they were happening concurrently.

[20:33] Like, something will happen in the 17th century, and then in present day they'll be like, ah, whoa, I can't believe it.

[20:38] And it's like, wait a minute.

[20:39] You guys know that everything that happened in the 17th century was 300 years before the events of the present, right?

[20:45] So they could just look up in a book what happened.

[20:47] They don't need to be in suspense about it.

Dan McCoy

[20:50] Is this also the laziest way to, like, introduce the inciting object of, like, April just, like, wanders into the movie with gifts?

[21:00] And it's just like, oh, here's a gift.

[21:02] It's a time-traveling wand.

Elliott Kalan

[21:05] It'll kick this movie off.

[21:08] And she's like, Splinter loves old things.

[21:10] Here goes, Splinter.

[21:11] And it's like, yeah, it is very lazy.

[21:13] I'll give you that.

[21:14] Especially when it turns out there's a prophecy involved.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] There's a couple of really great shots in this opening sequence where Splinter is standing at this, like, desk while he's talking to the guys.

[21:24] Or, like, and he'll, like, slam his hand or he'll put his hands down on the top of the table.

[21:31] And you can see his, like, rubber fingers clearly bending in weird angles.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] Well, Splinter, you never see Splinter from the waist down in this, I think.

[21:40] He's always behind a table or a door.

[21:43] And it's clear, I think, that they just made the top half of the Splinter costume.

Stuart Wellington

[21:46] I mean, I think it's because he respects his co-workers.

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:50] They don't need to see him below the waist.

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:52] It's not wearing pants.

[21:53] It's necessary for his job.

Elliott Kalan

[21:54] I assumed it was because, much like in a sitcom when the lead actress is pregnant, Splinter was pregnant, but they didn't want to write that in for the character.

[22:01] So they just framed him behind grocery bags or, like, standing behind a couch.

Stuart Wellington

[22:05] Yeah, they didn't sneak in any references in the second one where, like, Splinter is, like, barfing.

[22:10] Because anytime somebody barfs in a movie, you're like, pregnant.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] Yeah, that's what it means.

[22:16] There's also, here's something I want to mention here.

[22:18] They make the turtles, and this is, I found very realistic for teenagers.

[22:23] They're just, like, obnoxious joke machines.

[22:25] They're always making stupid wisecracks that are not funny.

[22:28] And, but they're always making pop culture references that are, like, too old for the target audience.

[22:33] There's a lot of, like, Elvis references.

[22:35] Later, they make a bunch of Clint Eastwood references.

[22:38] And, like, at one point, when they show up in the past, they're like, dudes, we're in Shogun.

[22:42] And it's like, no kid knows what Shogun is.

[22:44] Like, come on.

[22:46] It's this weird movie where it's like, these characters, they really tapped into the obnoxiousness of teenagers,

[22:53] but then they gave them the frame of reference of the 40-year-old man that I assume wrote the movie.

[22:58] Yeah.

[22:59] So how did they overlook that?

[23:00] Dan, how did they overlook that in their research?

Dan McCoy

[23:03] I'm not sure, but I wanted to say that you had a killer Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle voice there.

[23:08] And I say voice because all of the turtles sound exactly alike.

Elliott Kalan

[23:13] Except for the one that's obviously Corey Feldman, right?

[23:17] Yeah, Donatello.

[23:18] Yeah.

[23:19] Their voices, except for the one that's, yeah, clearly Corey Feldman, are indistinguishable.

[23:24] And, like, say what you about the original animated series.

[23:26] It's a goofy show, but they have such distinct voices in that.

[23:30] And, like, I feel like when I think about the turtles, those are the voices that I hear.

[23:35] Why didn't they just hire those guys, you know?

[23:36] What was that all about?

[23:38] They're not big enough.

[23:41] Clearly, they weren't big enough.

[23:42] Not as big as, they needed big stars like Corey Feldman.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] And doing voiceover work for a cartoon is very different from doing voiceover work for, like, a horrible animatronic monster.

[23:54] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[23:55] Where the mouth moves like a claymation figure that has come to life and also had a stroke.

Stuart Wellington

[24:02] Yeah, where both eyes are moving independently.

[24:06] And one of the things I remember about the first movie is that it was lit very darkly.

[24:12] And that, you know, that covered up a bunch of the sins of the makeup effects.

[24:18] Whereas this movie, they're like, everything's in broad daylight.

Dan McCoy

[24:21] Yeah, it's like a sitcom lighting in this thing.

[24:23] It's just a general, like, wash of brightness.

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] Yeah.

[24:27] You know what I just looked up on Wikipedia?

[24:29] I didn't realize.

[24:30] So the music in this movie, which is not bad, the score is not terrible, was done by John Dupree,

[24:35] or John Dupree, who now is, like, Eric Idle's musical partner.

Dan McCoy

[24:39] That they do all of Eric Idle's musical stuff.

[24:40] That's who he works with.

[24:41] I had no idea.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] That's probably how he got the gig.

[24:45] Yeah, but yeah, Eric Idle was like, I'm too busy to do the music for this Ninja Turtles movie.

[24:49] You do it, John.

[24:51] Or is that how they met?

[24:52] Eric Idle was in one of the turtle costumes?

Dan McCoy

[24:54] Yeah, he was one of the dancers.

[24:55] Well, that explains the ending of this movie where all the turtles are crucified and they sing that song together.

Elliott Kalan

[25:03] Yeah, Dan.

[25:04] Because that's, yeah, sure.

[25:06] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[25:07] Wait, I don't know why that one didn't work for you.

Elliott Kalan

[25:09] Dan, I know it's a reference to Monty Python's Life of Brian, but crucifixion was also a punishment in feudal Japan,

[25:14] so it was a real danger for them, and I appreciate it.

[25:18] A little bit of sensitivity.

Dan McCoy

[25:19] See, the absurdity of it, Elliot, would be that in a child's movie, these turtles would be crucified.

Stuart Wellington

[25:25] I'm assuming our listeners are zipping over to DeviantArt to double-check that there hasn't been any Ninja Turtles crucified.

[25:32] Any crucified turtles work?

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] Yeah, while Sonic and Knuckles cry at their feet.

[25:36] So we go back to the 17th century.

[25:38] We know that this is where the bad guy lives because there's bad guy music playing, courtesy of John Dupree.

[25:43] And the prince argues with his dad, Lord Norinaga.

[25:46] You're waging war and I don't like it.

[25:48] And the dad is being supported by an Englishman named Walker, who's a kind of gunrunner pirate with a crew of ridiculously cartoonish kind of pirate henchmen.

[25:59] And Walker's delivering guns and ships, just like Lafayette did in Hamilton.

[26:04] The prince throws a fit.

[26:05] He doesn't like it.

[26:06] And he knocks over a statue, revealing a magic lantern.

[26:09] That's the same lantern that April O'Neil is holding in our time.

[26:13] And that lantern glows.

[26:14] A scroll opens up that shows the four turtle boys as if they've appeared in ancient Japan before.

[26:20] And the prince asks the lantern to open wide the gates of time.

[26:24] Because I guess he knew already what it was just by looking at it.

[26:27] Like at some point, he was like, oh, there it is.

[26:29] I forgot where I put my magic time-traveling wand lantern.

[26:33] Was he?

[26:33] Maybe he was reading some text that was written on the wand.

[26:38] Oh, that's possible.

[26:39] That could have been a little clearer, but maybe that's what it is.

[26:42] Dan, what is it with magic implements having their inscriptions just written on it and then people reading it out loud instead of reading it to themselves like you normally would read anything that you're saying for the first time?

Dan McCoy

[26:52] Oh, your problem is that they speak it out loud.

[26:58] That all these readers are like reading as if they're children rather than the problem being that you think that they should have a separate instruction manual for these things.

[27:07] I mean, it would be safer if they did, but.

Stuart Wellington

[27:10] I mean, I'm a little tired of these performative magic item handlers.

[27:14] Oh, yeah.

[27:15] We're like, I get it, dude.

[27:16] You want our attention.

[27:18] Yeah.

[27:18] You're the one holding the magical scepter.

Elliott Kalan

[27:21] But it's like anytime someone, like in the Evil Dead type stuff, anyone, oh, I found this old book.

[27:25] What does it say?

[27:26] Hmm.

[27:26] Klaatu Barada Nikto.

[27:28] Ah, Corpus Medundum.

[27:29] And then the dead rise up.

[27:31] And it's like, when have you ever opened a book alone and just started reading aloud from it?

Stuart Wellington

[27:35] Every day at Barnes and Noble's, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] That's why they kick you out of Barnes and Noble.

[27:40] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[27:41] Naruto says.

[27:45] To quote Naruto.

[27:48] Wait, is that what you're talking about?

[27:50] Naruto says.

Dan McCoy

[27:50] So you're like, you're like narrating to yourself what's happening in like the comic.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] I'm describing the panel for all the other guys that are sitting in the aisle.

[27:59] I see.

[27:59] Are you talking about the superhero poet Pablo Naruto?

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] Yeah.

[28:06] He wears that metal headband thing and he's got like whiskers drawn on his face.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] Anyway, you guessed it.

[28:15] Of all the times in time for this magic gate to open up to, it opens up to when April O'Neil is holding it.

[28:22] We see a little bit of my favorite thing in movies, which is 80s electrical effects when there's like bolts of magic electricity flying around that were hand animated on.

[28:30] I love those.

[28:31] Go watch Ghostbusters.

[28:32] It's full of them.

[28:33] Go watch Big Trouble in Little China.

[28:36] Howard the Duck has a bunch.

[28:37] It's really great.

[28:38] And she switches places and clothes with the prince.

[28:42] Because much like the Terminator, I guess, this magic wand can only send, I guess, organic materials through the mail of time.

Dan McCoy

[28:49] Yeah.

[28:49] Well, luckily also they're the same size.

[28:51] Like the clothes fit beautifully.

Stuart Wellington

[28:54] Oh, wonderfully.

[28:55] But no, she also sent back with her Walkman.

[28:57] Unless that guy had the same Walkman.

[29:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] Well, considering later she is considered a witch because she has the Walkman, I think it's probably not his Walkman, the prince's Walkman.

Dan McCoy

[29:08] My favorite thing, too.

[29:09] Like when they, when the Walkman starts playing and like all the samurai are like, what is this witchery?

[29:16] And they like take their swords and hit the Walkman.

[29:19] It does that thing that happens in movies where the song just sort of winds down.

[29:27] I'm like, yeah.

[29:28] That's not what would happen.

[29:29] I'm like, the song would just stop as soon as you break the machine.

Elliott Kalan

[29:33] It works like a record player, right?

[29:36] I love that.

[29:38] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[29:39] So the Japanese prince, he sees the ninja turtles and they're like, ah, kappas.

[29:43] Ah, because he thinks, of course, that they're turtle demons that, what, live in rivers and they have bowls on their head.

[29:49] And if you can get them to battle, the water falls on the bowl.

Stuart Wellington

[29:51] They're either that or the popular clothing, like sports clothing line that has the two mudflap girls back to back.

Elliott Kalan

[29:58] Is that called kappas?

[30:00] Kappa, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[30:01] Kappa, I'm not familiar with that.

Stuart Wellington

[30:02] It's kind of like Umbro or something.

[30:05] It would be soccer shorts.

[30:06] Aren't you a big, I mean, you kind of have the body for soccer shorts, Elliot.

[30:11] I'm surprised you don't wear them.

[30:12] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[30:12] I have been complimented on my legs.

[30:15] There was a time, did this happen to you guys?

[30:17] There was a time in middle school when every kid in my town was wearing Umbros all the time, just as regular shorts.

[30:23] And there was a run on Umbros at the local store, Kicks and Sticks, local sporting goods store.

[30:30] Are they talking about, wait, are sticks referring to your legs?

[30:34] No, no, that was for like hockey sticks and stuff.

[30:37] Yeah, hockey sticks.

[30:37] Oh, okay.

[30:38] But then all of a sudden, like six months later, nobody was wearing Umbros.

[30:43] It was lame to wear Umbros.

Stuart Wellington

[30:45] What was that all about?

[30:46] And Kicks and Sticks had overordered and now they're just sitting on this waist.

Dan McCoy

[30:50] Elliot, you're assuming that there was ever a time when I was a child when I was aware of what was cool and what was not cool to wear.

Elliott Kalan

[30:58] But you were into that hyper color stuff, right?

[31:00] So you knew what was cool.

[31:01] Body gloves, shirts, all that stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[31:02] Uh-huh.

[31:03] Yeah, but he had a huge Woody shirt instead of a Big Johnson shirt.

[31:06] So he looked like a real nerd.

Elliott Kalan

[31:07] Oh, yeah, that's nerdy.

[31:09] You need Big Johnson.

[31:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:11] Dan, what co-ed naked sport did you wear the shirt of?

[31:15] Curling.

[31:15] Yeah.

[31:16] Co-ed naked improv.

[31:17] Okay, not cool.

[31:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:19] Co-ed naked improv.

[31:20] And then it would be like, it's always yes and or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[31:26] A reference that young Stuart would never have gotten.

[31:30] I wasn't allowed to wear those shirts.

[31:33] The other shirt that I had to turn inside out because I wore it to school was a t-shirt for the band Tool because it had a phallus-shaped wrench on the back.

[31:46] Ah, I see.

[31:47] Did you guys ever have to turn your shirt inside out?

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] Nope, I didn't.

[31:51] We're like half an hour into this thing.

[31:54] There was a time when my school – Dan, I have a story that's very relevant.

[31:57] Okay.

[31:58] There was a time when my school banned Simpsons t-shirts because Bart Simpson was a bad influence.

[32:04] But could you wear the bootleg ones?

[32:06] Yeah, the bootleg ones.

[32:07] But otherwise, kids were just wearing Big Johnson and Woody t-shirts.

[32:11] It was crazy.

[32:12] And I think the adults just didn't get it.

[32:13] Anyway, so let's get back to the movie.

[32:16] The Japanese princesses appeared and Splinter and the turtles figure out what's happened incredibly easily.

[32:21] They're like, whoa, he must have traveled through time.

Stuart Wellington

[32:23] Why did they make fun of the way he's dressed?

[32:26] Because April was just wearing those fucking clothes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:30] Because they look ridiculous on a dude.

[32:31] Jeans and a leather jacket and a t-shirt?

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Come on, nobody wears that.

[32:34] Why do they keep calling him James Dean?

[32:36] Do they call April O'Neil James Dean too?

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] They might.

[32:43] I mean it's possible they thought James Dean showed up.

[32:46] Sure.

[32:47] They're turtles.

[32:47] Who knows how they see the world?

[32:49] But there was a moment where I was like, that's pretty lazy that they figured it out easily.

[32:53] And then I was like, no, wait a minute.

[32:54] That's a huge relief that we don't have to go through scene after scene of them trying to figure out what happened.

[33:00] They just instantly are like, oh, she got displaced in time by this Japanese guy.

[33:04] Well, we got to go save her.

[33:06] Meanwhile, the Japanese think that April's a witch because of her Walkman.

[33:09] They also think she kidnapped the prince.

[33:11] But Walker, the English pirate, for some reason knows she's not a witch immediately.

[33:17] He just calls her bluff.

[33:19] Donatello in the present figures out that it involves equal mass transference and they only have 60 hours to save April before she's stuck in Japan forever.

[33:29] And that's when Mikey brings in, you guessed it, Stewart's favorite, Casey Jones as Elias Codias to just watch the prince while they go back in time, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[33:38] That's the scene where he just walks in and he's like, look who I brought in.

[33:43] And then like.

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] Yeah, he literally just says, hey, dudes, I brought a little backup.

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] And then he slides into the scene and then the whole crowd goes fucking wild.

[33:51] Like people go eat shit.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] It's a real Kramer moment.

[33:54] He just goes, whoa, whoa.

[33:55] And the audience.

Stuart Wellington

[33:55] Wait, when the crowd's like yelling at him for being racist?

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] No, no.

[33:59] That's a Michael Richards moment.

[34:01] I'm talking about a Kramer moment.

[34:02] Okay, cool.

[34:04] April gets locked in a dungeon with an English pirate mutineer who looks a lot like Casey Jones with a beard on and short hair, which means nothing like Casey Jones.

[34:12] And I would not have recognized him if she didn't go Casey.

[34:17] Just shows you what a master of disguise Elias Codias is.

[34:20] It turns out that the prince is in love with Mitsu, the leader of the rebellion against Lord Norinaga.

[34:27] The turtles go back in time.

[34:28] They replace Lord Norinaga's bodyguard in the middle of a battle.

[34:31] And did you want to see people in bulky turtle suits ride around clumsily on horses while Wisecracks are ADR'd onto the soundtrack?

[34:39] Yeah.

[34:39] Because guess what, guys?

[34:40] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:40] You're going to get it.

[34:41] And you got it because that's when it happens.

[34:45] The turtles almost instantly lose Michelangelo, who is kidnapped by Mitsu, and somebody takes the scepter, the magic time wand, but we don't know who.

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] And it's tough because, you know, those turtles, the majority of their acting comes from their mouths, but now they're wearing these weird masks, so they have to do extra eye acting to get across those jokes.

[35:06] And a lot of hand movements.

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] Yeah, yeah.

[35:08] Those hilarious jokes that are basically just comparing everyone to Elvis.

[35:13] And there is one line in it where they're like, oh, my Japanese isn't so good.

[35:17] Mitsubishi, Subaru.

[35:19] And it's like, dude, I'm offended that that's in the movie.

[35:22] But also, your master is Japanese.

[35:26] One, maybe he didn't teach Japanese, but have some respect for his culture, you know?

[35:31] But I guess they're teenagers.

[35:32] They're all about rebelling against their authority figures, discipline, and values.

[35:36] So, you know what?

[35:37] I get it.

[35:37] It makes sense in character.

Dan McCoy

[35:38] I reject it even as a joke premise.

[35:40] Like, what do the turtles think that they're trying to say by saying those cars?

[35:44] Like, they are aware that they're not going to be communicating anything.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] Yeah, it's like that time Dan and I were playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, and Piston Honda came up, and they had Piston Honda's quote, and he's just saying a bunch of Japanese words.

[35:55] And Dan's like, fuck you, Nintendo.

[35:57] Yep.

[35:58] It's exactly like that when that happened.

Dan McCoy

[36:01] Well, I'm sorry I missed that time.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] Sounds like you had a great time with that one.

[36:05] We did.

[36:05] We had a great time.

[36:07] That was another installment in Dan's xenophobic Nintendo memories.

[36:16] There's also the time, this is not xenophobic, the time you were playing Metroid, and you're like, can't wait to see how this cool dude underneath his helmet.

[36:22] He must be such a cool, masculine dude.

[36:24] And you saw that Samus Aran was a woman, and you were like, fuck this shit.

[36:28] You threw your Nintendo out the window.

[36:29] You tricked me.

[36:31] You tricked me to step on.

[36:32] You told me I've been a girl all this time.

Stuart Wellington

[36:33] Yeah, and then Nintendo's flying out the window going, really makes you think.

[36:40] It was worth the sacrifice.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] You sent a very angry letter to then president of Nintendo of America, Howard Lincoln.

[36:48] I was just like.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] I think that was his name.

[36:52] I just know him from that cartoon that was in Nintendo Power, where he had, like, what was the.

[36:58] Do you remember that?

[36:59] You're thinking of Nestor, Dan.

[37:00] Nestor.

[37:00] No, but he always, like, talked to Howard.

[37:03] It was like.

[37:04] Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] Oh, I never even put two and two together that that's who that Howard was.

[37:08] That was who it was.

[37:09] I thought it was Howard the Duck turned into a person.

Stuart Wellington

[37:12] Yeah.

[37:13] I thought it was Howard from Howard's End.

Elliott Kalan

[37:16] I thought it was Howard from Howard's Head, the sequel to Herman's Head.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] They do sequels to TV shows now?

Elliott Kalan

[37:22] Yeah, sure.

[37:23] Will and Grace.

[37:25] So, anyway, that was the sequel to Will.

[37:28] Okay.

[37:29] Anyway, I'm just going to say right here, this movie, this feature film has a very TV movie feel to it.

[37:36] It very much feels, this is the Golan Globus version of the sequel, like the Superman 4 one where you're like, okay, this is a noticeably cheaper movie than the last one.

[37:44] But as Stuart said, very ambitious because we learned that Walker is pushing Naranaga to buy more guns.

[37:51] But Naranaga, he wants this missing scepter because it has time travel powers and it's magical.

[37:56] It belongs to his clan.

[37:57] And if he loses it, that's huge dishonor in his clan.

[37:59] The turtles free April from the dungeon, mainly by fat shaming the dungeon guard, which I also did not approve of.

[38:05] Yeah, that was wild.

[38:07] Just a lot of fat jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] And there's a couple of scenes where they're sneaking into, because they're ninjas, they were sneaking into the castle.

[38:13] And like, guards would show up and then the ninja turtles would just like lazily swat them and knock them over.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] Yeah, they're really not giving, I mean, the turtles are supposed to be fighting machines, but you're not giving us a lot of faith in this special bodyguard for Lord Naranaga.

[38:32] His army is staffed entirely by incompetence who can't stand up in their own armor.

[38:37] There's so many wisecracks at this point, you can't even hear all of them.

[38:41] They're just like overlapping each other into a rich blanket of wisecracks.

[38:44] They escape from the dungeon into the muck pile of the castle and they slip around in the mud forever.

[38:50] It takes them forever.

Stuart Wellington

[38:52] When they slip into that muck pile, they literally say, oh no, not another sewer or something.

[38:58] And it's like, but you guys live in the sewer.

[39:01] It should feel like home to you.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] Well, I guess maybe they're getting at that they don't want to live in the sewer.

[39:06] They don't choose to live there, you know?

[39:08] And it's kind of like in a Shawshank Redemption.

Stuart Wellington

[39:10] There would still be some level of comfort unless, I guess, the sewer is tied in with some level of trauma.

Dan McCoy

[39:16] I mean, they are turtles and a rat.

[39:19] I mean, if they're not comfortable in the sewer, then where are they going to be comfortable?

Stuart Wellington

[39:22] I don't know, dude.

[39:23] That's a stereotype about turtles and rats.

[39:24] You're making a lot of assumptions here, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Yeah, Dan, maybe it's easy from you with your white male privilege to assume that turtles and rats, they already live in sewers.

[39:33] They must love sewers and do that by choice.

[39:35] Look at the social forces that are forcing them to live in the sewer, like speciesism, racism, anti-ninja sentiment.

[39:45] That's not fair.

Dan McCoy

[39:47] Yeah.

[39:48] I can't remember how often I've heard people saying, those ninjas belong in the sewers.

Stuart Wellington

[39:53] Yeah, Dan's always like, we walk by a sewer grate and there's a pile of empty pizza boxes and Dan's like, ugh, always eating all the pizzas in the sewers.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] Yes, there once was a time when you didn't have to worry about ninjas in your sewers, back in the good old days.

[40:09] Anyway, we go to the village where Michelangelo has been captured by the rebels.

[40:16] We don't stay there long.

[40:18] Raphael and the turtles are looking for Michelangelo mainly by wandering through the forest yelling, Michelangelo!

[40:22] Raphael loves how clean everything is.

[40:25] It's not the sewer.

[40:26] It's fresh air.

[40:27] So, Dan, you consider yourself refuted.

[40:29] The movie literally has them talk about how much they like that they're not in the sewer.

[40:33] Ugh, God.

[40:35] But they're attacked by villagers.

[40:36] But everything's okay when they reveal they're turtles because when the villagers see that they're turtles, rather than saying, ah, monsters and fighting harder, instead they're like, it's cool, everybody.

[40:46] They're turtles.

[40:47] And don't worry.

[40:47] Everyone in this Japanese village in the 17th century speaks English.

[40:50] So it's totally cool.

[40:51] Everything's okay.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Because they met Michelangelo already.

[40:54] So that's why they're cool with these other turtles.

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] And he what?

[40:57] And he what?

[40:57] Taught them English?

[40:58] Well, that's what I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[40:59] Well, they talk about early on the prince starts speaking English.

[41:04] And they like real, like right away they explain like, oh yeah, back then in feudal Japan, they had some trading partners from the West and they taught them English.

[41:16] So that's why everyone's going to be able to speak English in the rest of the movie.

[41:19] Okay.

[41:20] Base is covered.

Elliott Kalan

[41:22] Yeah, right.

[41:22] They've covered that base.

[41:23] But it's Michelangelo.

[41:25] It's not like they're treating him well.

[41:26] He's been imprisoned in a shed and he just lies around there doing nothing.

[41:31] So it's not like he's the mayor of the town now and they see the turtles.

[41:35] They're like, oh, like our best friend, Michelangelo.

Dan McCoy

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:38] Well, no, this is actually what I'm saying.

[41:40] Like, it's confusing to me.

[41:41] Like, why the fact that they have met one other turtle makes it cool that they meet these other, like, these three turtles.

[41:48] They're like, oh, okay.

[41:49] Like, I guess it takes some of the shock off of meeting three other giant turtles, but it doesn't mean that you're like best friends.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] Well, it definitely takes away the rush of, like, knowing that you're fighting and possibly killing other humans.

[42:02] At that point, they're like, is it even worth it killing a turtle, man?

Elliott Kalan

[42:08] Now, they return to the village to find out it's being attacked by pirates who want the scepter.

[42:13] They think Michelangelo's a demon.

[42:15] Everybody thinks the turtles are demons in this movie.

[42:18] They're maybe the least threatening looking demons since they – except their faces are so creepy when they talk.

[42:23] So maybe it is.

[42:24] The brothers are reunited and they drive off the English pirates.

Stuart Wellington

[42:27] Are you saying it's not threatening for turtles to cover their giant shells with, like, a weird Baja or some kind of, like, blanket outfit?

[42:35] Yeah, I think so.

[42:36] I feel so bad for those actors having to not only work in the turtle suit but also, like, layer and layer of clothing.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] And, like, ugly Hawaiian clothes, basically.

[42:47] Whoa.

[42:48] It's like, ugh, these turtles are all big Buffet heads.

[42:51] Oh, they love it.

Dan McCoy

[42:52] I love that you're like, oh, they're upset that they're in ugly Hawaiian clothes.

[42:56] Or they're like, I can't be like my normal sexy turtle self.

Stuart Wellington

[43:02] So is this when Michelangelo saved – what is it?

[43:07] Yoshi, the little boy?

[43:09] Yoshi.

Elliott Kalan

[43:09] Yes.

[43:10] Michelangelo saves a kid, Yoshi, from a burning house.

[43:13] And then Leonardo revives the kid with CPR, thus showing to everybody that these are good turtles.

[43:18] They're good.

Stuart Wellington

[43:18] That scene goes on a long time.

[43:21] They suspect he's performing black magic when he's doing CPR to Yoshi.

[43:26] Yeah.

[43:26] And then as soon as Yoshi wakes up and everybody's happy, the first person to pick up Yoshi is Leonardo, which is a little weird.

[43:34] I would think like his family would be the first ones to rush the child.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] Yeah, but you kind of don't want to rush at a giant turtle demon that just used magic to bring your boy back to life from the dead.

[43:45] Like who knows what it'll do to you.

[43:46] Yeah.

[43:46] He giveth life.

[43:47] He can also taketh away.

[43:48] I've seen Pet Sematary.

[43:50] You're right.

[43:51] Mm-hmm.

[43:52] And you know what there's a lot of in Pet Sematary?

Stuart Wellington

[43:53] Turtles.

[43:55] Turtles.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] Lots and lots of turtles.

Stuart Wellington

[43:58] You always say that to me.

[44:00] I forget.

Elliott Kalan

[44:01] You always say that to me.

[44:02] So many times I've had to tell Stuart, you know, it's in Pet Sematary, turtles.

[44:05] And he's like, yeah, yeah, I forgot.

[44:08] You make a good point.

[44:10] That reminds me, this is not related to the turtles.

[44:13] My son invented a motto yesterday for himself.

[44:15] Okay.

[44:17] Oh, no, it was the day before yesterday.

[44:18] We're eating at an all-you-can-eat Korean barbecue restaurant.

[44:21] It was really good.

[44:22] And he goes, we're like, Sammy, are you going to be ready for lots of meat?

[44:26] And he goes, you know me, I'm always hungry.

[44:29] And so since then his motto has been, I'm always hungry.

Dan McCoy

[44:35] You know, having stayed with you for a couple days when I was out in L.A., like, that does not seem to be true about your son, actually.

[44:42] I saw several meals where he was like, no food, thanks.

[44:46] No.

Elliott Kalan

[44:47] Well, he loves to snack, but also it changes.

[44:49] When he's going through like a growth spurt, he eats like crazy.

[44:53] Everything.

[44:54] All the time.

Dan McCoy

[44:55] Yeah.

[44:56] I do like that motto, though.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] It's funny to hear a three-and-a-half-year-old say, you know me.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] Everyone understands what my thing is.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] My classic bit, I'm always eating.

[45:11] Really, Sammy?

[45:12] Okay.

[45:14] So, but Yoshi is saved and the turtles are now the heroes of the village.

[45:19] But Norinaga reveals to Walker that, this explains the scroll, that turtle demons once overthrew his ancestors.

[45:26] He can't allow that to happen again.

[45:28] So now he wants guns.

[45:29] But he won't pay gold for them.

[45:31] Too many scenes in the movie are based around Lord Norinaga just negotiating with Walker over what he's going to pay for guns with.

[45:38] As if kids are going to give a shit, like what currency he's using to buy cannons.

[45:44] But this also implies that the turtles, what, at a later date, they went even further back in time and overthrew Lord Norinaga's ancestors?

[45:52] Like, are they leaving the door open for Teenage Mutant Turtles 4, Turtles in Time Again?

Stuart Wellington

[45:56] I mean, has there, I mean, there's nothing in the movie that indicates that they couldn't go back in time again, right?

[46:04] It's not like the wand, they don't lose the wand at the very end of the movie.

[46:08] Now, the.

[46:08] Spoiler alert.

[46:09] They put a lot of effort into talking about Lord Norinaga getting guns, but at no point do they show how guns would change the dynamic in the movie at all?

[46:20] Like, it's not like they show, like, guys with guns are really good at beating the Ninja Turtles.

Elliott Kalan

[46:26] No, but I guess it's, well, they're using, they're saying the guns will help them defeat, defeat villagers, I guess.

[46:32] Because when those pirates come in with the guns, they really lay waste to that village until the TMNTs come and stop them.

[46:38] Yes.

[46:38] The turtles are what you'd call like an X factor.

[46:41] Nobody knows exactly how they, how they'll be defeated.

[46:44] But, uh, you gotta believe that guns and cannons are gonna have a better shot than just swords.

[46:49] Although, as the movie shows us.

[46:50] Fun intended.

[46:51] Not really, but I'm glad you found it.

[46:54] Uh, let's keep moving.

[46:56] But yeah, it's, it's true that the guns do prove relatively ineffective against the turtles later on.

[47:00] But we haven't gotten there yet.

[47:02] Uh, blah, blah, blah.

[47:03] They try to ride horses.

[47:04] Leonardo's the only one who can ride them.

[47:06] They try, they need to find the scepter.

[47:08] Maybe they can make one.

[47:09] Uh, but that fails.

[47:10] Uh, medieval Casey, uh, he has to go to them, go with them back to the present day.

[47:15] And April is like, I don't want to have this conversation right now.

[47:19] Let's just, and it's weird because they're having a conversation as if they have a relationship.

[47:24] Uh-huh.

[47:24] Like, April and, and it's like, between scenes, did April and medieval Casey Jones have sex?

[47:29] Like, is that what happened?

[47:31] Because the implication is that they already have feelings for each other.

Dan McCoy

[47:33] I mean, I could show you some fan fiction that probably says that that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[47:37] I mean, I mean, you're, she's back in time, dude.

[47:40] All bets are off.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] I guess that's true.

[47:43] If it doesn't happen in a new century, it doesn't count.

[47:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[47:47] And I mean, he looks really cool with a beard and with short hair.

[47:51] Like, and this guy seems to have his shit together a little better than future Casey Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[47:55] But what if it, what if it's one of those things where April O'Neil has sex with medieval Casey Jones?

[48:00] Medieval Casey Jones gets impregnated.

[48:02] And then it turns out April O'Neil is the ancestor of Casey Jones.

[48:06] So when they're dating, it's super weird because she's like his great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother.

Stuart Wellington

[48:12] Uh, I mean, I think there's something kind of beautiful about that, right?

[48:17] Uh, no.

[48:18] That's my, that's my impression of Morgan.

[48:21] Morgan Freeman.

Dan McCoy

[48:21] Watching Elliot's face as he scanned that thought and gave it the full weight it deserved before saying, no.

Elliott Kalan

[48:30] Well, it's like how, because I know it's not okay for a guy to go back in time and have sex with his mom in high school.

[48:36] Back to the Future taught us that.

[48:37] Yeah.

[48:38] But how far back in time can you go to have sex with your ancestor?

[48:41] Dan, I know you've thought about this a lot.

[48:42] How far back in time do you think you have to go?

Dan McCoy

[48:44] Like more than 300 years?

[48:46] More than 300 years.

[48:47] Uh, this is a good question.

[48:49] Uh, well, I mean, you're allowed to, so you're allowed to marry your cousins if you want to.

[48:54] Uh, just in like modern life.

[48:56] You're allowed?

[48:57] Well, not first cousins, I don't think.

[48:59] I think, uh, I think some places you are still first cousins.

[49:04] Oh, okay.

[49:05] So if you're following that, I think that you could go back maybe five generations.

[49:12] I don't know how these two thoughts related to one another.

Elliott Kalan

[49:14] That really, uh, I feel like your math got pulled out of your butt there, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[49:19] I was like, by the transitive property of marrying your cousins, I think five generations.

Stuart Wellington

[49:24] I wonder, so Dan, this is, you, you decided that while researching the script for the porno

[49:30] movie you're writing.

[49:31] Yeah.

[49:31] That is.

Dan McCoy

[49:33] Which is also called Turtles in Time.

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] That includes, that includes multiple footnotes explaining, it's okay because there's enough

[49:41] generations.

[49:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:44] It's okay to be turned on but not grossed out.

[49:46] Yeah.

[49:47] The scene in the Transformers movie where the guy's like, my relationship with her started

[49:51] when we were both minors, so it's okay for me to have sex with her now that I'm an adult

[49:55] and she's still a minor.

[49:56] I laminated the page from the law book.

[49:58] And you're like, why is this in this movie?

[50:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:03] This is, yeah, this says something about the screenwriter and about the director, but the

[50:07] movie that, like, this is not a necessary thing for a movie to include in it.

[50:12] Like, we've done the research.

Stuart Wellington

[50:14] Wait, you mean a movie with a two hour plus fucking runtime?

[50:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:18] About giant transforming robots?

[50:22] Like, it's not a movie about a court case about this guy's relationship with his minor

[50:26] bride.

Stuart Wellington

[50:28] But the thing is, it could have been about that court case, right?

[50:32] Think about how good at law a Transformer would be.

[50:35] Yeah, that'd be great.

Elliott Kalan

[50:35] Yeah, Optimus Prime is just the defense attorney in that one.

Dan McCoy

[50:38] Yeah, sure.

[50:38] They just kept, yeah, pulling Transformers in to the court to be character witnesses.

[50:43] That was the whole movie.

[50:44] I mean, Optimus is so good at speeches, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[50:47] I mean, Bumblebee would be a terrible fucking witness.

[50:51] Although, it would be some creative use of sound clips.

[50:55] But, like, Optimus Prime is so good at speeches.

[50:58] Like, they should have, I'm surprised he doesn't speak at more universities in those movies.

Elliott Kalan

[51:04] Yeah, yeah.

[51:05] And our commencement speaker, Optimus Prime.

[51:07] And everyone's like, awesome.

[51:08] But what if it is like a, he's in court and the judge is about to, I guess, declare him guilty.

[51:18] He's like, if you have no further arguments in your own defense, I'm going to have to declare you.

[51:23] And he raises a gavel.

[51:25] And just as he's about to drop the gavel, Optimus Prime bursts through the wall like a Kool-Aid man.

[51:29] Sure.

[51:29] He goes, I object.

[51:31] I have some important documents.

Stuart Wellington

[51:33] And then the gavel transforms into a tiny little, like, a little robot or something and runs away.

[51:39] And they're like, whoa, that was a Transformer 2?

Elliott Kalan

[51:42] Yeah.

[51:43] And the judge is like, what part of the Transformer was I holding all that time when it was a gavel?

Stuart Wellington

[51:48] Yeah.

[51:48] Then it winks at him.

[51:49] Is that something?

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] Do you have to worry about that when you're driving a Transformer car that the gear shift might be the Transformer's penis?

[51:56] Did they?

[51:57] That you're moving around?

Stuart Wellington

[51:58] They must have snuck that joke in a Transformer's movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:01] I mean, one of the Transformers definitely had testicles in the movies, right?

[52:05] Yes.

[52:05] Yeah.

[52:06] Devastator.

[52:07] Yeah.

[52:08] So that would be devastating to see a giant robot with giant testicles.

[52:13] What's devastating about it?

Stuart Wellington

[52:14] It's beautiful.

[52:15] It's natural.

Elliott Kalan

[52:17] I shouldn't body shame him.

[52:18] I apologize.

[52:20] So wait.

[52:20] What are you going to do?

Stuart Wellington

[52:21] Make fun of that other robot for farting out a parachute?

Elliott Kalan

[52:26] Well, I will make fun of that old robot for having a metal beard.

Stuart Wellington

[52:29] It's natural, dude.

[52:30] Bodies get different when they get older.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] But he had like giant testicles and no penis though, right?

[52:37] Yeah, he's like a real castle freak.

Stuart Wellington

[52:38] Are you making fun of his micro penis now?

[52:41] Okay.

[52:41] I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] God.

[52:43] You guys are so mean.

[52:45] His micro chip penis.

Elliott Kalan

[52:47] Wait.

[52:48] Yeah.

[52:48] You mean Punisher's tech guy micro penis?

[52:51] Yeah.

[52:53] I do.

[52:54] I do mean that.

[52:54] Punisher's technology.

Stuart Wellington

[52:56] Yeah.

[52:56] I meant that because he's riding on top of Devastator.

[53:00] He's driving him, I guess.

[53:02] Ugh.

Elliott Kalan

[53:03] Anyway.

[53:04] So they're trying to make their own scepter, but it can't work.

[53:07] Casey Jones in the past is like, take me with you.

[53:10] I won't even talk about the standard trope in time travel movies of finding somebody in the past who looks just like your romantic interest in the present.

[53:18] The implication is that I guess genetics doesn't change over time.

[53:21] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[53:21] What led them to believe that they could just make a new scepter?

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] Yeah.

[53:27] That they're like, we can figure this out.

[53:28] We can make magic.

[53:30] Michelangelo tries to introduce pizza, but it doesn't work out.

[53:33] And the fact that he's in a country that does not yet have cheese or tomatoes, I think, doesn't seem to faze him.

[53:39] It doesn't work out.

[53:41] Raphael bonds with the village kids and he tells Yoshi, hey, you got to calm down.

[53:45] Don't lose your temper.

[53:46] Let's not fight.

[53:47] Let's fly kites.

[53:48] Because kites rhyme with fights.

[53:50] One of them's violent and one of them's not.

[53:52] Unless it's those fighting kites that have razors on them that you use to attack other kites.

[53:56] But that's more of, I think, an Afghanistan thing.

Dan McCoy

[53:58] So let's not worry about it.

[53:59] Really long aphorism to put on a t-shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[54:02] Dan, stop editing my aphorisms and my affirmations, okay?

[54:08] Okay.

[54:10] Norinaga accepts that he's going to pay gold for guns because he needs guns to stop these demons.

[54:15] And Michelangelo talks to Mitsu about Prince Kenshin, who she misses.

[54:19] And there's a weird moment where Michelangelo seems to think that he has a chance with this princess if Kenshin doesn't come back.

[54:25] Like, there's a lot of weird romantic dynamics going on in this movie that they did not think through all the way.

[54:30] That suddenly April seems to be with Casey Jones of the past and Michelangelo seems to have a crush on this human woman.

[54:37] And it's just not going to happen, Michelangelo.

[54:39] You're a hideous turtle monster.

[54:41] Like, just deal with it.

[54:42] Well, and also, like, I mean, isn't the whole plan for them to go back?

[54:46] Like, she's in love with someone else, dude.

[54:50] I mean, to put it the way that I think Huey Lewis did when he was describing this movie, they got to go back in time.

[54:57] But by back in time, it means back to the present or back to the future, if you will.

[55:01] Hence, the movie of the same name, which is about the making of this movie.

[55:06] Meanwhile, Casey Jones in the present, he's just teaching those samurais how to play hockey.

[55:09] But they just fight.

[55:11] And the implication is that samurais are just dumb.

[55:13] They're just goofy dumb guys.

[55:15] But Splinter somehow senses danger for the turtles 400 years after the fact.

[55:21] Like I said, Splinter could just go to his ninja library, look up what happened to Lord Noronaga in a book, and then he'd know it was going to happen.

[55:29] And it's edited as if this is going at the same time.

[55:32] It's like classic D.W. Griffith cross-cutting, as if these things are happening simultaneously.

[55:36] But they're not.

Stuart Wellington

[55:37] Wouldn't it be wild if he went and picked up a book and he was reading the history and, like, the words were changing as he read them?

[55:46] Ooh!

[55:47] Yeah?

Dan McCoy

[55:47] I mean, is it the idea that because they have this 60-hour, you know, timeline that...

[55:53] Energy drink?

[55:55] Yeah, the 60-hour energy drink that I'm selling, guys.

[55:58] I want you guys to get in on my Grit Rich Quick scheme.

[56:01] How many bottles can I put you down for?

Stuart Wellington

[56:04] Do...

[56:04] Wait.

[56:05] So you're going to sell them to me and then I have to resell them?

[56:07] Yeah.

[56:08] Do I take them to retailers or do I sell them directly to people?

[56:11] Look, man.

Dan McCoy

[56:12] As soon as you pay me and they're out of my hands, I don't care what you do.

Stuart Wellington

[56:14] Oh, wow.

[56:15] You don't care about your brand.

[56:16] I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[56:17] Okay, great.

[56:17] So we could sell them to schoolchildren with alcohol.

[56:20] Okay, there goes your 60-hour energy drink, Dan.

[56:23] Yeah, yeah.

[56:23] I mean...

[56:24] You could take a lesson from Herbalife.

Stuart Wellington

[56:25] They would make perfect nutcrackers, the 60-hour energy drink with a little bit of booze.

[56:30] What?

[56:32] Like, LA dancers?

[56:33] No, you don't know what a nutcracker is?

[56:35] You know when you're on the beach and those guys wander around, they're selling, like...

[56:39] Yeah, right.

[56:40] That's a nutcracker.

Dan McCoy

[56:41] Oh, okay.

[56:42] I just thought of it as, like, a rum punch.

Stuart Wellington

[56:44] No, they call it a nutcracker.

[56:45] Oh, okay.

[56:46] Do you know why?

[56:48] Because I think it gets you really drunk and your head, the nut, gets cracked.

Elliott Kalan

[56:54] Okay.

[56:55] Oh, that's not usually the part of the body I hear referred to as a nut.

[56:58] Although, I guess people say that.

[57:00] They go, are you off your nut?

[57:01] And I'm like, no, my testicles are right here, where they're supposed to be, underneath

[57:05] me.

[57:05] Uh-huh.

[57:07] Anyway, Michelangelo and Raphael, they get into a fight and they break the scepter they

[57:11] made, as if it was ever gonna work.

[57:13] Come on.

[57:13] Yeah, it's insane.

[57:15] And Mitsu says, oh no, we just heard, the daimyo, Lord Naranaga, is gonna attack with

[57:19] guns tomorrow.

[57:20] Raphael has a heart-to-heart with Yoshi.

[57:22] Yoshi is surprisingly knowledgeable about how Raphael might die the next day in battle.

[57:27] Raphael salves that wound, though, by giving him a yo-yo, and Yoshi gives Raphael the real

[57:32] scepter.

[57:33] He's the one who took it.

[57:34] He didn't want the turtles to leave, but now he wants them to go so they can

[57:37] leave before the people kill them.

[57:40] That night, Casey's ancestor, he demands the scepter, or he'll kill Mitsu, and they give

[57:45] it to him.

[57:45] Uh-oh.

[57:46] They've lost the scepter again, just when they thought they had it again.

[57:49] Uh-huh.

[57:49] And Walker brings Mitsu to Naranaga, and old Casey gives the scepter to Walker.

[57:56] Now it's a whole, who's got the scepter?

[57:58] Which was the original title of the movie.

[58:00] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, who's got the scepter?

[58:03] Uh, April and the turtles sneak in.

[58:04] They fat shame the dungeon keeper yet again, and free Mitsu from the dungeons.

[58:09] Mitsu has been kidnapped for roughly 35 seconds of screen time.

[58:12] Not a lot of suspense.

[58:13] The turtles learn about the legend of them, and they confront Lord Naranaga.

[58:17] You'd think they'd beat him up in that BN, right?

[58:19] Nope.

[58:19] Lots of fighting.

[58:20] People rush in.

[58:21] Very unimpressive fighting.

[58:23] As Stuart said earlier, turtles just swatting guys out of the way.

[58:26] Samurai's falling down.

Stuart Wellington

[58:27] At least one dude tries to, yeah, at least one dude tries to chop a turtle in the back.

[58:34] And I'm like, that's his most protected area, buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[58:37] Aim for the noggin, or as Stuart would call it, the nut.

[58:41] His head.

[58:42] Yeah, I call it that all the time.

[58:44] The turtles free all the imprisoned villagers, and it's a, it's a, everybody was kung fu fighting.

[58:49] Except they're not actually, they're just kind of waving swords around and punching each other.

[58:54] Noranaga and Leonardo's sword fight.

[58:55] It ends with Leo cutting off Noranaga's topknot, which is the ultimate disrespect.

[59:01] Yeah.

[59:01] He's been totally dishonored.

[59:02] And then he drops a huge bell on him, which is less disrespectful, but probably hurt more than getting his topknot cut off.

[59:08] Yeah, I mean, the-

[59:09] But Walker is kidnapped April.

Stuart Wellington

[59:10] That's threading quite a needle there, dropping that giant bell on that guy.

[59:14] Because, like, if they're off by a fraction, that thing's smashing the hell out of him.

[59:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:19] I mean, what if they did that?

[59:21] But there's also a clapper inside that bell.

[59:23] So that probably, that would have smashed his skull wide open.

[59:26] It's not like a bell is just a hollow thing.

Stuart Wellington

[59:29] Well, wait, is that the type of bell that has a clapper, or is that one of the ones that you just, like, ring by hitting it with a giant log?

Elliott Kalan

[59:36] Oh, maybe that's what it is.

[59:37] You just hit it with a mallet or a log.

[59:39] Uh-huh.

[59:39] Maybe that's it.

[59:39] Maybe it is hollow.

Stuart Wellington

[59:40] Like, it's some kind of fucking AT-ST, right, guys?

[59:43] I don't know what you're talking about.

[59:44] Just hitting it with a giant log.

Elliott Kalan

[59:45] Because you hit it with a log.

[59:46] Dan, it's about the Battle of Endor.

[59:48] Come on.

[59:48] Okay.

[59:48] Many brave Ewoks died that day.

[59:51] And, Matt, do you think there's a, do you think there's a, like, a Battle of Endor memorial battlefield and a visitor center?

[59:57] And in the visitor center, there's a video that's like, and brave men on the sides of the Empire and the Ewok village gave their lives for what they believed in that day.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:06] And then a little kid looks up at his mom and he's like, but what happened to all the bodies of the stormtroopers?

[1:00:12] And she's like, shh, don't say anything about that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:15] And there's, like, a statue of a speeder bike trooper that was put up when the Ewoks wanted equal rights in the, you know, 100 years later.

[1:00:24] And they're like, we want to respect our heritage, our heritage of speeder bike riders.

[1:00:28] And now the Ewoks are like, let's take down these statues, huh?

[1:00:31] They weren't even, that's not history.

[1:00:34] That's just hate.

[1:00:35] And all these Imperial stormtroopers are like, that's my heritage.

[1:00:38] Hey, stop it.

[1:00:38] Do you think that's happening?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:40] Yeah, Dan, you want to walk into this minefield?

[1:00:43] Yeah, I was like, this is a really great, you know, metaphor to explore, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:50] Yeah, Dan, sorry, I don't want to offend all of our neo-Confederate listeners.

[1:00:55] Sorry, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:56] It's more of the conflation of the civil rights struggle with the Ewoks, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:03] The Ewoks are the heroes, Dan.

[1:01:05] I agree.

[1:01:08] I see what you're saying.

[1:01:09] So, moving on.

[1:01:11] All right.

[1:01:12] I'll just leave that racial minefield unstepped in, mostly.

[1:01:16] I think I stepped in one or two mines.

[1:01:18] It's cool.

[1:01:18] Mostly it's okay.

[1:01:19] Yeah.

[1:01:21] Walker has April.

[1:01:22] Medieval Casey Jones, even though he's a turncoat, says, no, don't shoot him.

[1:01:25] That wasn't part of the deal.

[1:01:26] But Walker says, maybe I'll shoot you too.

[1:01:28] Leonardo challenges Walker to shoot them.

[1:01:30] He goes, hey, don't have your men do it.

[1:01:32] You do it yourself.

[1:01:33] Our demon magic will just protect us and the bullets will bounce back.

[1:01:36] Everyone's too afraid except Walker, who fires a cannon at them.

[1:01:39] But he fires it at Leonardo's head.

[1:01:42] But Leonardo ducks into his shell.

[1:01:44] And the cannonball hits the bell.

[1:01:46] And everyone's okay.

[1:01:47] And it breaks the bell.

[1:01:49] Walker runs away because he's now the villain of the movie, Lord Noronaga having been mostly

[1:01:53] forgotten about by this point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:54] And totally shame, dude.

[1:01:56] Like, nobody's scared of a guy with his top not chopped off.

[1:01:59] You know, the idea of a samurai warlord being defeated in combat.

[1:02:06] And then instead of being killed, which is what he would have wanted.

[1:02:09] Instead, he gets his hair cut off and stuck in a bell.

[1:02:12] Like, oh, my Lord, that's so offensive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] Unless it was Kristen Bell.

[1:02:17] Am I right?

[1:02:18] Up top?

[1:02:19] I guess.

[1:02:20] Like what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:21] Like she's a tauntaun and he's stuck inside her belly?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:24] Yeah, I thought she smelled bad on the outside.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:27] Wow, Elliot's burning bridges today.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:30] Dan, is that something people say about Kristen Bell?

[1:02:32] You're friends with her.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] That she smells on the outside?

[1:02:35] Yeah.

[1:02:36] I don't know.

[1:02:36] I'll call up Dax Shepard and see what he has to say about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:40] That's a Star Wars name, Dan.

[1:02:41] That's not a real person.

[1:02:46] Anyway, then there's a very weird running gag where Walker is running for his life away from the turtles.

[1:02:51] But he keeps going out of his way to save his pet birds in a little bird cage.

[1:02:55] And I couldn't remember even being introduced to these bird characters before.

[1:02:59] But he's just like, oh, my birds.

[1:03:01] I'll take you.

[1:03:03] It's just this very strange comedy moment they go to a couple times of like, suddenly he loves birds.

[1:03:08] Yeah, it's a great little character touch.

[1:03:11] Yeah.

[1:03:12] Walker throws the scepter away to distract them from his escape, but the turtles catch it.

[1:03:17] And Walker ends up plummeting very fakely off of a cliff into raging waters like the Testament song of the same name.

[1:03:23] The turtles debate whether to stay or go back home, which is crazy.

[1:03:27] Because one, they will have stranded five samurai from the 17th century in modern day New York, which is just like, that's not okay.

[1:03:35] You're basically killing them.

[1:03:38] Yes.

[1:03:38] And although they're having a great time with Casey Jones singing karaoke and watching hockey.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:42] Again, my favorite scene in the movie where they're all hanging out playing a video game in a bar that is blasting Tarzan boy.

[1:03:49] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] Like, I wouldn't want to go back to feudal Japan either.

[1:03:54] But then the scepter starts up.

[1:03:56] Uh-oh.

[1:03:57] Kenshin has turned it on in the present.

[1:03:59] And again, so you're asking me to believe that this scepter hasn't started up at any other point in history.

[1:04:05] Kenshin could do whatever he wants.

[1:04:06] He could go to the Old West.

[1:04:08] He could go to the future.

[1:04:09] He could go to, I don't know, like the Russo-Japanese War and celebrate the victory over Russia that Japan had in that year.

[1:04:19] Or maybe go to Portsmouth and help Teddy Roosevelt negotiate the treaty that ended that war and which netted Teddy Roosevelt a Nobel Peace Prize.

[1:04:26] Kenshin, you could have a Nobel Peace Prize.

[1:04:28] Yeah, you're giving him a lot of options.

[1:04:30] That's the point where you came from.

[1:04:31] Yeah.

[1:04:31] Like, all of time is his menu.

[1:04:33] He could go anywhere he wants.

[1:04:34] Go ride a mammoth.

[1:04:35] Go eat a dinosaur.

[1:04:36] Whatever you want to do, Kenshin.

[1:04:38] Although I guess he can only go to places that the scepter existed.

[1:04:41] So maybe he can't ride a mammoth.

[1:04:42] So how far back do you think the scepter goes, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:44] Yeah, Dan.

[1:04:45] When did they build an old scepter?

[1:04:46] Hey, why am I the scepter expert?

[1:04:48] It's, you know, it's one of the, it's a fucking immortal.

[1:04:55] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:55] Waffling around on his scepter knowledge here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:57] Okay.

[1:04:58] Wow, Dan, I'm not going to go to you for any more scepter questions.

[1:05:01] Anyway, it all goes fine.

[1:05:04] Mitsuh says they have to go back.

[1:05:06] Only by me marrying Kenshin can we end this war.

[1:05:09] Okay.

[1:05:10] Didn't know that that was ever an option, but sure.

[1:05:12] That makes sense.

[1:05:14] And they transfer back, but Michelangelo's not with him.

[1:05:17] But then he does come back.

[1:05:18] It's like they decide to fake you out for about 15 seconds that Michelangelo stayed back there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:24] Yeah, isn't there a moment where Michelangelo and Raphael are like, oh, no, don't worry.

[1:05:28] Me and Raphael aren't leaving.

[1:05:29] And then everyone's like, uh, are you sure?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:33] It becomes like an A-Team episode where they've got to like drug them like BA Baracus to get them back in time.

[1:05:40] Everyone's back in their right times.

[1:05:42] Naranaga gets the scepter back, which seems crazy that they're now giving him a time travel weapon.

[1:05:48] You and Kenshi are reunited and they kiss each other.

[1:05:50] And Michelangelo's sad until Splinter cheers him up by acting silly.

[1:05:54] And Michelangelo's like, yeah, you're right.

[1:05:57] We're silly around here.

[1:05:58] This is great.

[1:05:59] And the turtles go back to dancing as they did at the beginning of the movie.

[1:06:02] They're dancing having been interrupted by April's gifts.

[1:06:06] They return to it.

[1:06:08] And so the film begins as ends as it began.

[1:06:11] And Oroboros, snake eating its own tail.

[1:06:14] Time everlasting.

[1:06:16] Ragnarok in cycles forever.

[1:06:18] Unable to break the circle of destiny.

[1:06:21] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3.

[1:06:22] Turtles in time.

[1:06:24] As it was in the end, so shall it be in the beginning.

[1:06:27] The Alpha and Omega forever and ever, as it is on Earth in heaven.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:06:34] Jesus, this has gone long and my computer is running out of batteries.

[1:06:37] So we should do our final judgments and move on to the next stuff in this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:45] Okay, Dan, since you're chomping at the bit to do this thing, what do you think?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:52] Well, is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie I kind of liked?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:55] Yeah, is it your favorite turtle movie, your second favorite turtle movie, or third favorite turtle movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:00] What I have to say about this is...

[1:07:05] Well, I haven't seen...

[1:07:07] The middle turtle movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:09] You didn't see part two, Secret of the Ooze?

[1:07:11] I have not seen Secret of the Ooze.

[1:07:12] So you don't know the Secret of the Ooze?

[1:07:13] Don't tell them, Stuart.

[1:07:14] No spoilers.

[1:07:15] I'm legally obligated not to.

[1:07:17] The Ooze's secret, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:19] The Ooze's secret is that it's actually a dude.

[1:07:21] Here's what I'll say about this movie.

[1:07:23] It's not good.

[1:07:25] It's not like...

[1:07:27] I didn't laugh at it out of its badness.

[1:07:29] What I thought was like, if I was a kid, I'd probably like this.

[1:07:33] That was my reaction to it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:35] That's how I felt, too.

[1:07:36] If I was a kid, I would enjoy this movie a lot.

[1:07:38] But it's stupid.

[1:07:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:41] It's kind of innocent.

[1:07:42] It's kind of fun.

[1:07:44] That's basically where I'm at.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:46] Yeah, you're probably right.

[1:07:48] And it's not made for grown-up palates.

[1:07:50] It's probably like the food you eat in a high school cafeteria where there's certain elements, there's certain things that you'll have that you really like.

[1:08:03] Like, I had a friend who was obsessed with the chicken patties in the school cafeteria.

[1:08:07] But I'm sure that as a grown-up, if you were to eat them again, he would be like, uh, I don't like these anymore.

[1:08:14] That's kind of what this movie's like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] Yeah.

[1:08:16] Yeah, so I'm going to call this a good-bad movie, because it's not a good movie.

[1:08:21] But kids might like it, and kids have terrible taste in things.

[1:08:26] Yeah.

[1:08:27] They are stupid.

[1:08:28] No, they like the Muppets.

[1:08:31] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:31] The Muppets are great, Stuart.

[1:08:33] Yeah, I know.

[1:08:33] I was just trying to get a rise out of you guys, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:36] And you certainly did.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:38] Yeah, Dan's steaming over here.

[1:08:39] Look at him.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:40] There's literally steam shooting out of my ears.

[1:08:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:44] But he can't really see it, because he's got headphones on.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:46] I know.

[1:08:46] It's burning my ears.

[1:08:48] It has no place to go.

[1:08:50] It just keeps recirculating.

[1:08:51] And it's not good for the headphones, either.

[1:08:52] No, no, no, no.

[1:08:52] It's terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:54] Okay, so what do we do now, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:57] Well, before we move on, we have a sponsor for today's show.

[1:09:01] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:02] And to clarify, this is my third favorite turtle movie.

[1:09:05] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] Good to know.

[1:09:07] Yeah, I'm also going to call it my third favorite turtle movie.

[1:09:09] Yeah.

[1:09:10] After, but the other two are not Ninja Turtle movies.

[1:09:14] They're my first two favorite.

[1:09:15] Yeah.

[1:09:17] So.

[1:09:17] My first, probably that cartoon, what was it called?

[1:09:19] The Red Turtle?

[1:09:20] Just came out recently.

[1:09:21] Oh, yeah.

[1:09:22] That's great.

[1:09:23] I haven't seen it, but I heard it was good.

[1:09:24] So that goes to number one.

[1:09:25] Yeah, the movie poster alone is pretty great.

[1:09:28] Yeah, and then I think my second favorite turtle movie is My Dinner with Andre,

[1:09:31] because Wallace Shawn is kind of turtle-y.

[1:09:33] Yep.

[1:09:33] No, my first favorite turtle movie is Hackers,

[1:09:36] because it's got Fisher Stevens in it.

[1:09:37] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:44] Hi, everybody.

[1:09:45] I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:46] I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:48] And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

[1:09:50] Me and 3,000 of your closest friends just found your next podcast obsession.

[1:09:56] Zero.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:57] Okay, but like the second best podcast.

[1:10:00] 99% miserable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:02] Oh, f***.

[1:10:03] Just listen to my brother, my brother, and me on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:06] There you go.

[1:10:07] Perfect.

[1:10:08] Perfect.

[1:10:08] Thank you.

[1:10:11] Hello, I'm Keri Poppy.

S4

[1:10:16] And I'm Ross Blotcher, host of MaximumFun.org's Ono, Ross & Carrie.

S5

[1:10:20] We wanted to tell you the good news that our podcast is now weekly.

S4

[1:10:24] Yeah, weekly.

[1:10:25] On Ono, Ross & Carrie, we don't make extraordinary claims.

[1:10:28] We investigate them.

S5

[1:10:29] We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims, and participate

[1:10:33] in pseudoscientific medical treatments, and report our findings to you.

S4

[1:10:36] In a time where alternative facts reign supreme, we cut through the murky spin to give you the

[1:10:41] real deal on topics like UFOs, the IT vaccination movement, Scientology, and even apocalyptic

[1:10:47] churches.

S5

[1:10:48] We're even undercover for some very exciting investigations right now.

S4

[1:10:52] Well, not right now, right now.

S5

[1:10:55] Yeah, that would be unwise.

S4

[1:10:56] That's Ono, Ross & Carrie at MaximumFun.org.

[1:10:59] We show up so you don't have to.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:02] Our podcast is sponsored in part by Squarespace.

[1:11:05] Aw, thanks.

[1:11:05] Turn your cool idea into a new website.

[1:11:09] Okay.

[1:11:10] And you can use that website, if you like, to sell products and services of all kinds.

[1:11:16] Okay.

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[1:11:35] So if you have a good idea for a website, why not just make it?

[1:11:40] And make it stand out with Squarespace to create a beautiful website.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:46] Now, Dan, Squarespace sounds great.

[1:11:48] Can they help me?

[1:11:49] I don't have a good idea for a website, but I do have a bad idea for a website, and I want

[1:11:52] to talk about it.

[1:11:53] Yeah, you should probably talk about it.

[1:11:55] Let's talk about it.

[1:11:56] It's a website called NowIt'sGotSexSounds.com.

[1:12:00] We take every movie and television show, and we add sex sounds to the soundtrack.

[1:12:04] Just to give it a little bit of extra thrill.

[1:12:07] And so, for instance, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, Turtles in Time, we would include

[1:12:11] a lot of just, you know, oohs and ahs, a lot of moaning over the soundtrack.

[1:12:17] Okay.

[1:12:17] To make it inappropriate.

[1:12:19] And now it's like, oh, this movie's not for the kids anymore.

[1:12:21] Now it's for dad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:22] It'll go, ooh-ee, ooh-ah-ah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:25] Yeah, there'll be a lot of ting-tangs and walla-walla-bing-bangs.

[1:12:28] So, Dan, you think Squarespace can help with that?

[1:12:31] Yeah, classic sex sounds.

[1:12:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:31] Now, mostly what we do is, and I'll just keep talking as Dan plugs in his computer and

[1:12:37] makes a lot of noise.

[1:12:39] Now, mostly what we do on this website is we take requests from people where they're

[1:12:43] like, this show's not sexy enough.

[1:12:45] Can you add sex sounds to it?

[1:12:46] And then we do that.

[1:12:47] It takes, it's very time intensive because we really mix down the audio.

[1:12:51] And so we've been trying to monetize it with a website.

[1:12:53] So, Dan, do you think Squarespace could help us with that?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:55] Whatever that was, it sounded great.

[1:12:58] I had to get up and do some technical stuff, so I had no idea what-

[1:13:02] Well, Dan gives tacit approval to your idea.

[1:13:03] I have no idea what Alex just pitched.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:05] You'll find out what you agreed to when you listen to the episode.

[1:13:10] Oh, great.

[1:13:11] Let's move on.

[1:13:12] So, Squarespace sounds great, and I love it.

[1:13:14] Let's move on, shall we?

Dan McCoy

[1:13:15] Well, hold on.

[1:13:17] Hold on.

[1:13:18] Help you help other people.

[1:13:19] Hold on.

[1:13:21] The most important part of the ad.

[1:13:23] Go to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code

[1:13:28] FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:13:33] You've got to give them the chance to use the offer code.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:36] Yeah, give them the chance, dude.

[1:13:38] I kind of assumed that you would finish the ad and then get up to plug in your computer,

[1:13:42] but no, you decided to interrupt the ad.

[1:13:44] While you were talking-

[1:13:45] Yeah, you saw you ramping up over there.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:47] I saw that there was-

[1:13:48] I saw my opportunity and I went for it.

[1:13:50] I knew that there was going to be no need for me to talk for the next minute or so.

[1:13:56] That's a good idea.

[1:13:57] You know me.

[1:13:57] I'm always hungry for talking.

[1:14:01] Is there anything else we need to plug?

[1:14:03] I guess our live show in San Francisco.

[1:14:06] Yeah.

[1:14:07] People should get tickets to our live show in San Francisco.

[1:14:09] December 9th.

[1:14:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:11] December 9th, our live show in San Francisco.

[1:14:13] Go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

[1:14:15] It's at the Marines Memorial Theater.

[1:14:17] It's our second time in California, but our first time in San Fran, the Bay Area, City

[1:14:22] by the Bay, Rice-A-Roni Place, Chi-Town.

[1:14:27] And it's going to be a super fun show.

[1:14:30] I don't know what movie we're doing yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:32] No, we haven't discussed it, but it'll be a good one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:35] It'll be a good one.

[1:14:35] I promise it'll be a good one.

[1:14:36] And medical needs pending, all of us will be there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:42] Yeah, well, let's not talk too much about that.

[1:14:44] Stop looking at me like that, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:46] Now, I have a Jumbotron to announce.

[1:14:49] You've got a Jumbotron.

[1:14:49] Do you have any other sponsors before we get to that?

[1:14:50] No, that's it.

[1:14:52] Okay, guys.

[1:14:52] It's Jumbotron time.

[1:14:54] Boop, boop, boop, boop.

[1:14:55] Do-do-do-do-do-do.

[1:14:56] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[1:14:58] Jumbotron.

[1:15:01] Welcome to Jumbotron time.

[1:15:03] Okay.

[1:15:05] So, this is a message that goes like this.

[1:15:08] Cold Dog Soup is a podcast that lambasts terrible poetry and prose.

[1:15:13] Listen to us now for a six-part series of the worst unfinished

[1:15:16] novella you've ever heard.

[1:15:18] That's Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:20] Listen, rate, and subscribe to the podcast Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:24] So, some kind of poetry and prose lambasting podcast.

[1:15:28] I'll try it.

[1:15:28] Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:31] Cold Dog Soup.

[1:15:33] Yum.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:34] That's the best kind.

[1:15:35] Well, it's like hot dog water.

[1:15:36] Yeah.

[1:15:37] But cold.

[1:15:38] Now, Stuart, do you remember, is Dog Soup, was that the name of one of the serial killers

[1:15:42] in Sandman at the serial killer convention?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:44] I thought Dog Soup was that Marx Brothers movie.

[1:15:49] No, that's Duck Soup.

[1:15:50] Are you sure?

[1:15:52] I think it's Dog Soup.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:54] No, you know what?

[1:15:54] You're probably right.

[1:15:55] It is.

[1:15:56] You know what?

[1:15:56] You're probably right on this one, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:57] I seem to know more about the Marx Brothers than you guys.

[1:16:00] So, I think I'm right.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:02] Oh, I just remembered that I was supposed to plug the fact that I'm going to be on the

[1:16:06] Best Acquaintances podcast on an episode that should be out by the time this episode comes

[1:16:11] out.

[1:16:12] And what is that?

[1:16:13] It's an interview podcast where people who are just internet friends with one another get

[1:16:20] to know each other better by talking over the web waves with each other.

[1:16:28] And so, if you want to hear me interviewed, listen to the Best Acquaintances podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:35] Sounds great.

[1:16:36] And I just looked it up.

[1:16:37] Yes, Dog Soup is the killer in the Sandman issue where the guy's like, Dog Soup is a

[1:16:41] woman?

[1:16:41] At the Serial Killers Convention.

[1:16:43] But that has nothing to do with the podcast called Dog Soup.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:46] Great.

[1:16:47] Good stuff.

[1:16:47] Okay.

[1:16:48] What do we do now?

[1:16:49] Now we answer a few letters from listeners.

[1:16:53] Oh, cool.

[1:16:53] Listeners like you, presumably.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] Like me?

[1:16:57] I'm not a listener, Dan.

[1:16:58] I'm on the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:59] Okay.

[1:17:00] I'm sorry.

[1:17:01] I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:01] Did I just win a contest?

[1:17:02] That's why I've been a co-host for 10 years?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:05] It was, well, it's more like a curse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:11] A curse on you guys.

[1:17:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:15] You gotta put up with me.

[1:17:17] So, this first letter is from a gentleman named John, last name withheld.

[1:17:22] Mm-hmm.

[1:17:23] And he writes...

[1:17:24] Guys at the end.

[1:17:26] Hey, hey, peaches.

[1:17:27] My wife has a decently sophisticated sense of humor.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:30] Oh, wow.

[1:17:31] Wow.

[1:17:32] Okay.

[1:17:32] Stop talking about how you love your wife.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:35] I hope she doesn't listen to this because you're going to be sleeping on the couch tonight,

[1:17:38] John dies at the end.

[1:17:39] This guy's going to be the next thick wife guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:42] She has a decently sophisticated sense of humor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:46] I forgot about that one already.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:48] But you get a silly scene with a man screaming.

[1:17:51] Think Chris Farley kind of delivery.

[1:17:53] And it's a guaranteed laugh for her.

[1:17:55] I was wondering, do any of you three have a comedy weakness where jokes of a certain type

[1:17:59] or delivery are way more likely to get a laugh from you regardless of quality?

[1:18:03] Keep on flopping.

[1:18:04] R-O-C-K in the USA.

[1:18:06] John, last name withheld.

[1:18:09] So, do you have a weak spot, comedy-wise?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:17] Obviously, I like esoteric pop culture references.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:24] I don't think there's anything I have that is specifically like, I'm definitely going to

[1:18:28] laugh at it no matter the quality, except maybe just people falling down.

[1:18:32] But I'll tell you what I have the opposite of, which is something I will never laugh at.

[1:18:38] And that is, when somebody starts talking and you're like, hey, that's not how I expected

[1:18:44] them to sound.

[1:18:45] I call it the rapping granny principle, where it's like, I didn't expect that granny to

[1:18:50] start rapping.

[1:18:51] I will not laugh at that.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:52] Not funny to me.

[1:18:53] What if there's like a kid who starts talking and all of a sudden they've got like a really

[1:18:57] low voice?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:59] Well, that's, if you dubbed an adult's voice into a kid, that, like, that would be funny.

[1:19:03] But if it was like, this kid has a real foul mouth, or like, this kid is talking like a

[1:19:08] grown-up talks, that, I don't find that particularly funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:12] So you probably shouldn't watch Young Sheldon.

[1:19:19] Yeah.

[1:19:19] Dan, what about you?

[1:19:20] Do you like jokes?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:22] Yeah.

[1:19:23] I don't know that there's like, I can't think of really like a particular type of joke that

[1:19:30] I feel like is a weak point for me.

[1:19:32] There are certain, like, I will watch a terrible action buddy comedy, and I will know that the

[1:19:40] comedy is not good, but I will still watch it.

[1:19:44] That's like kind of a weak point in a similar vein, not exactly what we're talking about,

[1:19:48] but like, there is nothing else to watch on a plane I was on recently, and God help me,

[1:19:55] I watched Chips, because I was like, of all the options.

[1:19:59] I'm not reading a book.

[1:20:01] You watched a bag of chips?

[1:20:02] Yeah, I watched a bag of...

[1:20:05] What did it do?

[1:20:06] Did it do anything?

[1:20:09] Well, at one point it opened, but that was me opening it.

[1:20:12] It didn't kind of do it on its own, like...

[1:20:14] Wow, no agency.

[1:20:15] So it's an interactive thing.

[1:20:16] Yeah, it was an interactive.

[1:20:17] It was like an Oculus Rift.

[1:20:19] That's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:20] It's Oculus Chips?

[1:20:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:23] So Dan, how was Chips?

[1:20:26] Pretty bad.

[1:20:27] Pretty bad.

[1:20:28] Speaking of Dax Shepard, it was pretty bad.

[1:20:31] You going to recommend that today on the podcast?

[1:20:34] There was a lot of gay panic in that movie.

[1:20:42] Not a funny thing.

[1:20:44] Well, but that movie must have been made 10 or 20 years ago, right?

[1:20:47] Oh, no.

[1:20:48] No, my friend.

[1:20:49] You would think that based on the fact that it's based on Chips.

[1:20:53] A movie...

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:54] The food?

[1:21:01] But anyway...

[1:21:02] Do you guys think that anyone would make a movie called Gay Panic, which is a comedy

[1:21:05] about idiot straight guys who are worried that people think they're gay, but clearly

[1:21:10] like they're...

[1:21:12] They are morons.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:15] Uh...

[1:21:15] Man, what was I now pronouncing Chuck and Larry about?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:20] Well, that was kind of...

[1:21:21] Well, but they were pretending to be gay to get health benefits.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:24] What was that movie with Cuba Gooden Jr. and Roger Moore on the boat?

[1:21:28] Boat Trip.

[1:21:29] Boat Trip.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:29] Yeah, what about that?

[1:21:30] That was a gay panic movie.

[1:21:31] Yeah.

[1:21:32] I mean, well, that was really a poor vacation planning movie.

[1:21:35] And I find that, if anything, even more offensive.

[1:21:37] They didn't do the research.

[1:21:38] They didn't use a qualified travel agent, I don't think.

[1:21:43] Yeah.

[1:21:44] Like, at that point, they don't deserve to enjoy their vacation.

[1:21:47] I don't want to watch that movie, but I am curious about how they got on that boat.

[1:21:51] The only...

[1:21:52] Literally, the only explanation that would make sense to me is if they were in a shipwreck

[1:21:57] and they got picked up by this gay party cruise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:00] What if they're like a couple of thieves that are running from the cops because they just

[1:22:04] performed a diamond heist?

[1:22:07] Oh, that's like a classic 80s way to get into things.

[1:22:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:11] So they'll get on any boat, is what you're saying.

[1:22:14] Because...

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:14] They're just trying to get on a boat.

[1:22:15] Yeah.

[1:22:16] They're just trying to get away.

[1:22:17] Trying to get to international water so they can finally eat all those diamonds.

[1:22:22] Wait, that's how it works?

[1:22:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:22:25] And then their skin turns into diamonds and then the movie's over.

[1:22:28] Oh, okay.

[1:22:30] So it's kind of like a wish master thing?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:32] Like, be careful what you wish for?

[1:22:34] No, I mean...

[1:22:35] I have an anticlimactic ending to this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:35] That's exactly what you want to have happen so you can get rid of this, like, frail flesh.

[1:22:41] Oh, okay.

[1:22:42] And attain a crystal form.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:43] It's called crystal ships.

[1:22:44] Oh, like it's that...

[1:22:45] So, what other letters do you have, Dan?

[1:22:52] I think we answered that one.

[1:22:53] Yeah, sure.

[1:22:54] This one's...

[1:22:55] We know you watch Chips.

[1:22:56] That was worth it.

[1:22:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:58] This one's from Matt, last name withheld, who writes...

[1:23:02] Matt for action.

[1:23:03] I always come back to the flop house.

[1:23:06] I always come back to the flop house when crappy chores have got me down.

[1:23:09] As of this writing, I'm drawing and unsticking cookbooks from a kitchen futz up and started wondering,

[1:23:15] obviously there are theater snacks like popcorn, but do you have associations between foods

[1:23:20] and film viewings?

[1:23:21] Memorable meals in movies?

[1:23:23] Dinner dates and director's cuts gone wrong?

[1:23:26] Thanks for all the goofs and keep flop flipping.

[1:23:29] Matt, last name withheld.

[1:23:30] So, just sort of a general question about food in the movies, ultimately.

[1:23:36] Like, do we have food associations with the movies or are there particular meals in the

[1:23:42] movies that stick with us or anything like that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:44] I'll tell you about a time I couldn't eat while watching a movie.

[1:23:47] I was watching the movie Sandman, starring our friend Eric.

[1:23:52] Yeah.

[1:23:52] It's a very creepy horror movie.

[1:23:54] Oh, yeah, that was great.

[1:23:55] And I was like, it was really good.

[1:23:56] And I was like, oh, I'll just have dinner while I watch this.

[1:23:58] And very quickly, and I was like, I'm not going to be able to eat while I watch this.

[1:24:03] This is making me too uncomfortable to eat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:05] Yeah, because you can't eat around Eric, right?

[1:24:07] Because he's gross.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:09] Wow.

[1:24:09] No, no, that's not it.

[1:24:11] I mean, he's a great guy.

[1:24:11] I've had many meals with him.

[1:24:13] And a frequent listener.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:15] I think I ate dinner next to him at your wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:19] Yeah, you might have.

[1:24:20] I think so.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:21] So, I was wondering what your problem was.

[1:24:22] I had no problem eating right in front of him.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:24] No, it had nothing to do with him.

[1:24:26] It was more of the footage taken from no-budget horror movies, because the movie is kind of like three-quarters a real documentary, one-quarter a fake documentary.

[1:24:37] It was like, I can't watch these really gross no-budget horror movies while I'm eating my dinner.

[1:24:44] But when it comes to meals in the movies, there's no meal I want to be at more than the Skeksis feast in The Dark Crystal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:52] I'm sure I've said this on the podcast, but my mom, every time we had a big family meal with any kind of like cooked meat, she would always refer to it as roast nebri.

[1:25:04] Like they refer to the, when, in the Skeksis feast.

[1:25:08] Oh.

[1:25:08] I think she still does.

[1:25:10] If we, if I were to go home for Thanksgiving, that turkey's getting called roast nebri.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:15] But that was, I think I could, I think I might have said this before.

[1:25:18] I could watch that feast scene for probably 20 straight minutes.

[1:25:20] It's great.

[1:25:21] Just them eating gross things and smacking their lips and using those little finger forks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:25] And I love when like the little thing gets loose and is running down the table and they're all like slamming on it, trying to eat it.

[1:25:31] Yeah.

[1:25:32] Oh man, such awesome monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:34] Yeah.

[1:25:35] What a great scene.

[1:25:36] Dan, why do you hate them?

[1:25:37] Why do I hate what?

[1:25:39] Skeksis.

[1:25:40] Because they're the bad guys, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:42] Dan, uh.

[1:25:43] Says who?

[1:25:43] Dan identifies more with the ancients.

[1:25:46] Ugh, the boring ones.

[1:25:47] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:48] Uh, do the ancient ones have an army of giant crab monsters?

[1:25:53] Last time I checked, they did not.

[1:25:55] Oh, but you know what?

[1:25:55] I, I just want to sit around doing low throat singing.

[1:25:59] Over and over again.

[1:26:00] Why would I want to watch a sword fight?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:03] Identify more with those like tall horses things that they ride around on.

[1:26:08] That's, what are they called?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:09] Striders or something?

[1:26:10] Or.

[1:26:10] I mean, that name makes sense.

[1:26:12] Yeah, they do stride.

[1:26:14] Oh, do they ever.

[1:26:15] Dan, what about you?

[1:26:16] Food movie memories?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:17] Uh, I don't have any, I, I don't have any memories of like where I associate eating a particular thing with a film or anything like that.

[1:26:26] There are a couple of, uh, scenes in movies that, that I remember involving food.

[1:26:34] Like at the end of Big Night where he cooks that omelet in one take.

[1:26:40] It's just like a long take of him making an omelet for his brother after their disastrous big night of the title.

[1:26:48] And then there's also.

[1:26:49] Are you sure that you're not thinking of Omelet the movie?

[1:26:53] Yeah.

[1:26:54] Um, and also there's that movie that's not very good called Spanglish starring Adam Sandler.

[1:27:01] But there's a scene, uh, where he makes himself a sandwich, which is all pretty much done in like one long.

[1:27:09] It's not like a long take because they're cuts, but it's like one long sequence where he's making himself a sandwich.

[1:27:13] And then his wife comes in and they get into a big argument while his sandwich is just sitting there on the table.

[1:27:18] And you can tell that there's nothing more that he wants in life than to eat this sandwich before like there's like an egg on it and it's getting cold and it's going to congeal.

[1:27:26] And like, it's just like this beautiful sandwich he's made is ruined because he's gotten to this argument with his wife.

[1:27:31] And, uh, it's a pretty good scene in the middle of a B minus movie.

[1:27:36] But, uh, I guess I just like long, long sequences where people just show off a skill like cooking, you know?

[1:27:42] Hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:44] Uh, so for me, this has nothing to do with movies.

[1:27:47] I, one of my strongest food memories and a piece of pop culture was, uh, when I was a teenager after, uh, after soccer practice, we had a soccer practice, which ended early because there was a police chase through the park.

[1:28:04] We were playing soccer.

[1:28:06] And so, and there was like a possible gun scare.

[1:28:10] So, so soccer practice ended early and I think to make me feel better, my mom drove me by the comic shop and got me a pizza hut pan pizza.

[1:28:21] So I remember sitting in my, sitting in my basement, eating that delicious pizza hut pan pizza and reading, uh, Spider-Man 16, where, uh, it was a crossover between my two favorite comics at the time, Spider-Man and X-Force.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:36] That was the sideways issue, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:37] Yeah.

[1:28:37] The sideways issue.

[1:28:38] And, uh, that like to the, to this day, if I'm ever thinking of like a, uh, like if, if anyone's ever like, Hey, you, you should treat yourself.

[1:28:49] That's what I imagine is me sitting on a couch somewhere eating, you know, butter, you know, delicious buttery crust pizza, like a Ninja Turtle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:00] I have the opposite of that where my idea of a meal of shame is eating at Ruby Tuesdays because, uh, I remember when I got kicked out of camp one summer, my parents had to come pick me up and it was too late for us to go straight home without eating dinner.

[1:29:16] So we just stopped at a Ruby Tuesdays and had dinner and it was like, and I kept thinking in a movie, they would just cut between them picking me up and then the next day, but this was real life.

[1:29:26] So I had to experience all the time between those two moments and sit and eat at Ruby Tuesdays and just have them look at me and think about how they were going to have to deal with me for a couple of weeks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:37] They didn't expect to, was it the, was it the lunch special?

[1:29:40] Cause they have a pretty solid lunch special with a, where you get like a burger, like, like mini burgers and some salad bar.

[1:29:46] Was it that?

[1:29:47] No, it was dinner.

[1:29:48] It was dinner.

[1:29:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:49] I think I probably had chicken fingers.

[1:29:51] I want association with the Ruby Tuesdays.

[1:29:53] The one time I ate there, I got, uh, something with like, uh, onion rings.

[1:29:58] And in the middle of my onion rings was a fried rubber band.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:03] And are you sure that wasn't just an onion?

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:06] Cause they taste very similar.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:09] You're like, this wasn't the kind of ring I was looking for.

[1:30:12] I pointed it out to the waitress and she's like, uh, let me get you a free Sunday.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:17] That's my, that's.

[1:30:18] You said point McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:19] I love that, that option of like, I gave you the wrong thing and I'm going to give you a free dessert dude.

[1:30:27] Cause it looks like you'd like it.

[1:30:29] Like my wife, my wife got a, we went to a fancy restaurant and they gave her the complete wrong fish dish.

[1:30:36] And she's allergic to a lot of things.

[1:30:39] And the, the waitress, the waitress's response was, oh, oh, well I guess desserts on us.

[1:30:45] And it's like, no, bring me the thing I wanted.

[1:30:48] Yeah.

[1:30:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:51] That's crazy.

[1:30:52] I guess the only other food memory I have is when, uh, I was young and my family was visiting France and I ate an oyster for the first time.

[1:30:59] And the taste was so powerful that I knew from that day forward, I wanted to have a TV show where I would go to foreign countries and exoticize them.

[1:31:06] But pretend that I was like, had a deeper understanding of them than maybe even the people who live there.

[1:31:12] And that's how you became Anthony Bourdain.

[1:31:14] Yep, exactly.

[1:31:16] Dan got it.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:17] Uh, so this is.

[1:31:19] Last one.

[1:31:21] Is from David, last name withheld.

[1:31:23] Oh boy.

[1:31:24] Elliot's brother.

[1:31:25] It's not my brother though.

[1:31:26] Oh God.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:27] It's been so long.

[1:31:28] I thought we had freed ourselves.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:30] Hello, Floptastic Trio.

[1:31:32] I'm sorry I haven't written in so long.

[1:31:35] I'm sure you missed me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:37] That's the same thing as serial killer who has just reappeared after a decade, writes to the police chief.

[1:31:42] Yep, he gave us all the clues.

[1:31:44] Yeah.

[1:31:44] But.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:45] Mr. Policeman.

[1:31:46] But once Elliot moved to LA, I took it as a sign that he was trying to limit his contact with me.

[1:31:52] I'll.

[1:31:53] Well.

[1:31:53] No comment.

[1:31:54] I'll try and keep it quick as I imagine your patience with me has run pretty thin if I caused Elliot to move.

[1:31:58] So here goes.

[1:31:59] I did not intend to leave Elliot hanging with my urgent message about the taxiderming frog museum in Split, Croatia.

[1:32:07] It was more a result of low data on my international cell phone plan.

[1:32:11] For flop fans in need of proof this exists, I will post the photo on the group Facebook page.

[1:32:16] More to the point, Stuart's concern over frogs choosing a sport that doesn't utilize their powerful back legs is well taken.

[1:32:22] But competitive high-level rowing actually requires an enormous amount of lower body strength.

[1:32:27] And as such, hypothetically, might be ideal for a team of frogs.

[1:32:31] Feel free to expound on the exciting places following this to its logical conclusions would take you.

[1:32:35] Thanks as always.

[1:32:36] And if you want to see the museum in person sometime, Croatia is lovely and not just for its taxidermy.

[1:32:42] David, last name withheld Elliot's brother.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:46] Actually, that was very nice.

[1:32:47] Thanks for the frog museum recommendation, Dave.

[1:32:50] And yeah, head on over to the Facebook page, I guess, if you want to see these frogs rowing a boat.

[1:32:55] Yeah, I saw it.

[1:32:56] It was quite something.

[1:32:57] I still think that frogs are really going to enjoy jumping-based sports more.

[1:33:02] Sure.

[1:33:03] But again, am I just assuming that because society has forced them into jumping-based sports?

[1:33:08] Maybe I'm the one who's being stereotyping here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:11] Yeah.

[1:33:11] Maybe they like rowing because it's kind of the opposite of what you'd expect.

[1:33:17] You'd expect them to be good at swimming or water polo.

[1:33:20] But instead, they're outside of the water traveling on it.

[1:33:24] Yeah.

[1:33:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:25] Yeah.

[1:33:26] Or like hurdles or pole vault.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:29] Yeah.

[1:33:30] Yeah.

[1:33:30] Or...

[1:33:30] Jumping sports.

[1:33:31] It's a new paradigm in frogs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:34] Yes.

[1:33:35] I wish that was the slogan of your new business, Dan.

[1:33:39] You're like...

[1:33:40] And you're doing like an Apple-style product launch.

[1:33:43] And you're like, we took a look at frogs.

[1:33:45] And we realized there's a lot of improvements to be made.

[1:33:48] And wait.

[1:33:50] There's more.

[1:33:52] Okay.

[1:33:52] Now this frog has boobs.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:55] Okay.

[1:33:55] Wow.

[1:33:56] Wow.

[1:33:56] Is it like...

[1:33:58] Is it like Digum?

[1:34:00] The Sugar Smacks frog?

[1:34:02] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:02] Does he...

[1:34:02] Wait.

[1:34:03] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:04] I mean, he's just an anthropomorphic frog.

[1:34:06] Yeah, but...

[1:34:07] Yeah.

[1:34:07] He just wears...

[1:34:08] Yeah, but you know, let's Digum.

[1:34:10] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:11] He's wearing that loose shirt, so you don't know what's going on under there.

[1:34:14] No.

[1:34:15] Yeah.

[1:34:16] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:17] No one knows.

[1:34:18] Yeah.

[1:34:18] I mean, it's up to your imagination, depending on how creative you're being.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:22] Okay.

[1:34:23] There's got to be some kind of DeviantArt picture of that.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:25] Yeah.

[1:34:26] Unless we've discovered the one cartoon character that nobody has bothered to make

[1:34:30] DeviantArt about.

[1:34:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:34:32] To sexualize.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:33] It's either Digum or it smacks the honey bear, whatever his name is.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:38] Yeah.

[1:34:38] I...

[1:34:39] Yeah.

[1:34:41] Now I'm just imagining some kid out there, you know...

[1:34:44] Go on.

[1:34:47] Discovering sexuality for the first time.

[1:34:50] Watching Saturday morning cartoons.

[1:34:52] Mm-hmm.

[1:34:53] Getting it all mixed up in his little brain.

[1:34:55] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:56] Well, if they were gonna...

[1:34:57] It would be because they watched Heathcliff and saw Riff Raff's girlfriend.

[1:35:02] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:04] I mean, I say that as if I know what you're talking about.

[1:35:05] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:35:07] Well, she's an attractive cat lady.

[1:35:09] Okay.

[1:35:10] Yeah.

[1:35:10] I mean, I can imagine that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:11] I mean, she's no Cheetara, but come on.

[1:35:13] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:13] I mean, that's more on the lady spectrum than the cat spectrum, though.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:18] And she's like...

[1:35:18] Now, here's my question.

[1:35:20] Yeah.

[1:35:20] And she's...

[1:35:21] No, no.

[1:35:21] Well, let's continue into the fetishization of Cheetara.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:24] Just saying, they were all naked in that first episode.

[1:35:27] So, like, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:29] So, that golden crisp bear.

[1:35:33] Yeah.

[1:35:34] Here's my question.

[1:35:35] The Trix rabbit...

[1:35:37] Okay.

[1:35:37] And that cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs bird became huge stars.

[1:35:41] People still talk about them to this day.

[1:35:42] You would think the sugar bear, with his smooth voice and his reasonable demeanor, would have

[1:35:50] been a much bigger star.

[1:35:51] People would have wanted to be around him, but instead these crazier characters got it.

[1:35:54] How do you explain that?

Dan McCoy

[1:35:56] You're saying that the other characters you assume were difficult to work with behind the

[1:36:01] scenes, whereas...

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:03] Or just they're off-putting.

[1:36:05] You know, there's nothing comforting about them.

[1:36:06] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:06] I mean, I think it depends...

[1:36:07] Like, just once again, think about the market.

[1:36:09] The person who is excited about the character is going to be a child.

[1:36:13] And children like, you know, like drop-dead Fred's.

[1:36:17] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:19] Children love the irritating and abrasive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:23] Okay.

[1:36:23] I can bear that out.

[1:36:25] I also do.

[1:36:27] So, Dan, are there any other letters?

[1:36:29] No, that's it.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:29] That's...

[1:36:30] Okay, so...

[1:36:32] Oh, I should...

[1:36:32] Smash it, David Kaelin letter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:34] I should also tell my brother I did not move to lessen my time with you, David.

[1:36:38] And the fact that I get even less time with you now is one of my regrets about moving.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:42] Oh, that's very nice.

[1:36:43] Oh, that's nice.

[1:36:44] Okay, let's move on.

[1:36:45] Okay.

[1:36:46] He'll buy that, right?

[1:36:47] Great.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:49] So, the last segment of the show is where we recommend things, movies that we've seen,

[1:36:53] that we actually like, that you should watch probably instead of the movie we watched for

[1:36:57] this podcast.

[1:36:59] Unless you have your own bad movie podcast.

[1:37:00] In which case, stay in your fucking lane.

[1:37:03] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:05] A harsh statement.

[1:37:07] Throwing the gauntlet down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:09] I mean, I think a little bit of healthy competition is good for art, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:14] Yeah, Dan, why don't you enjoy the free market?

Dan McCoy

[1:37:19] I want everything for myself, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:21] So, this is the part of the episode where we recommend movies.

[1:37:23] And Dan is dying to recommend a movie.

[1:37:26] What is it, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:37:28] Is it chips?

[1:37:29] Stuart, as always, pushing us along.

[1:37:32] My recommendation, I went and saw Lady Bird, the movie that Greta Gerwig wrote and directed.

[1:37:41] I want to see that.

[1:37:43] I know that many folks named Stuart in the room are not fans of Noah Baumbach's work, which

[1:37:49] I assume include his collaborations with Ms. Gerwig.

[1:37:53] But a lot of what I think you might like about the movies still exists in Lady Bird.

[1:38:01] And what you might dislike about Noah Baumbach's work is not there.

[1:38:05] So, it's much less, I guess, what people would say, called twee.

[1:38:14] I like Baumbach's work, so I don't have that problem.

[1:38:17] But it's much more of a straightforward, kind of warm-hearted, coming-of-age story about

[1:38:24] this girl who is at a Catholic school.

[1:38:29] She's going through her last year of school, going up into college.

[1:38:33] It's not a particularly special year, but it's also an eventful one.

[1:38:39] And there's a lot about her relationship with her mother, played by Laurie Metcalf, who everyone

[1:38:44] loves.

[1:38:46] Because she's amazing.

[1:38:47] And it's like a contentious relationship, but there's obviously a lot of love underneath

[1:38:53] it, but it's still difficult.

[1:38:55] And I like the movie quite a bit.

[1:38:57] I think that not being a woman who, at all, and not being a woman who had a contentious

[1:39:05] relationship with her mom, I think that this movie may speak even more to someone who went

[1:39:11] through that in their own life.

[1:39:13] You know, like someone who had the experience of growing up a young woman and having a difficult

[1:39:19] relationship with her parent.

[1:39:21] What was that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:23] I think my phone buzzed.

[1:39:24] Oh, okay.

[1:39:25] So you're saying this movie is...

[1:39:27] That was like a joy buzzer in the middle.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:28] It was actually a big fart noise.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:30] I was like, ooh, gotta liven this stuff.

[1:39:33] It's been a long time without a larf.

[1:39:34] Yeah.

[1:39:34] Let's get this going.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:37] So you're saying this movie is potentially deep and affecting.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:41] It was affecting to me, but I can see how it would be even more affecting to someone

[1:39:44] who went through similar experiences in their life.

[1:39:48] And it's very funny and adorable, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:53] Sounds good.

[1:39:54] And it's about Lady Bird Johnson, the former first lady.

[1:39:56] That's right.

[1:39:58] That's right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:00] I'm going to recommend a movie that...

[1:40:03] What, you want me to go on to this fucking Lady Bird bit?

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:06] No, no.

[1:40:07] I just love the dismissive.

[1:40:10] Anyway, the implication is always that what you're about to say is much cooler.

[1:40:17] Yes.

[1:40:18] It's a touch and coming of age film.

[1:40:20] Anyway, so this one's called Blood Boob.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:22] Well, I'm going to recommend a movie that just went up on Shudder a little bit ago.

[1:40:27] It's a low budget horror movie.

[1:40:29] Called Blood Boob.

[1:40:30] Called Blood Boob.

[1:40:33] This is a movie called Found Footage 3D.

[1:40:36] Okay.

[1:40:37] I watched it in 2D.

[1:40:39] The premise of the movie is a couple of filmmakers are trying to put together a low budget horror movie.

[1:40:49] And they get the idea to make the...

[1:40:52] They want to...

[1:40:53] You know, you need to have an in.

[1:40:54] So their in is...

[1:40:57] Their hook is that this is going to be the first ever found footage movie that's also in 3D.

[1:41:03] Which doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's part of the joke.

[1:41:06] And so the majority of the movie covers them trying to make this movie.

[1:41:11] And there's a little bit of internal strife in the people that are there.

[1:41:16] And they go to a remote location.

[1:41:18] And it's spooky.

[1:41:20] And things start happening.

[1:41:21] And it's pretty great.

[1:41:23] I think for that type...

[1:41:25] For a found footage movie, it makes a lot of use out of what it has.

[1:41:29] But it's also pretty...

[1:41:31] It's watchable.

[1:41:33] It's funny.

[1:41:34] And it...

[1:41:34] I don't know.

[1:41:36] It doesn't...

[1:41:36] Like, everything's readable.

[1:41:37] I feel like a lot of found footage films forget that, like, they have to make a movie that other people are going to watch and enjoy watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:46] It's like they go too far into the found footageness of it.

[1:41:50] Yeah, yeah.

[1:41:50] And I forget that you're going to be...

[1:41:52] You as a viewer are still going to be watching it as a film, not as someone's home movies.

[1:41:56] Yep.

[1:41:57] So check it out.

[1:42:00] And that's cool.

[1:42:02] I'm going to recommend a movie that...

[1:42:04] I'm going to recommend a movie from 1953.

[1:42:09] What a surprise.

[1:42:10] It's an oldie.

[1:42:11] It's a movie called Sawdust and Tinsel.

[1:42:14] And this is an Ingmar Bergman film before he really, like, hit into his big stride.

[1:42:19] And so one of the interesting things about it is to see it as kind of like Ingmar Bergman on the way to becoming the artist that he would become.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:29] I also like that, like, Sawdust and Tinsel sounds like a joke name that someone would come up for an art film, by the way.

[1:42:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:36] I mean, well, it is the story of the ringmaster of a traveling circus who is having trouble with his mistress, who is one of the performers in the circus.

[1:42:45] Oh, boy.

[1:42:46] A love triangle briefly emerges between them and a local actor in the town that they go into.

[1:42:52] I mentioned this to my wife, and she goes, well, that sounds like the most European movie I've ever made.

[1:42:56] And it is very European.

[1:42:57] It's set in the circus, and Europeans love circuses.

[1:43:00] But it's a really grim movie, as Ingmar Bergman ones are.

[1:43:06] But it's the first movie he made with Sven Nykvist, the cinematographer, and so it looks amazing.

[1:43:11] And it was just, you know, one of these Swedish Ingmar Bergman, you know, life is terrible type movies that I really like a lot.

[1:43:18] You're a real laugh fast.

[1:43:19] If you like his stuff, yeah, yeah.

[1:43:21] If you like his stuff and you haven't seen it, then Sawdust and Tinsel.

[1:43:25] There's a section in the beginning of it that's done almost like a silent film that I thought was really cool because it shows his affinity for the films of that era, the era he grew up in.

[1:43:36] Anyway, that's my recommendation, Sawdust and Tinsel.

[1:43:38] Deal with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:40] Okay, I guess I'll have to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:43] You have to deal with it.

[1:43:44] I mean, Dan, you're doing a pretty good job dealing with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:46] Well, I mean, outside and the inside is all turmoil.

[1:43:49] Okay.

[1:43:51] But all right.

[1:43:53] Well, guys, this has been great.

[1:43:55] I still don't know after a decade of doing the show how to end a program.

[1:43:59] So I'm just going to say goodbye and say that my name has been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:08] I've been Stuart Willington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:11] I think both you guys are cool.

[1:44:13] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:44:14] Good night, everybody.

[1:44:15] Turtles forever.

[1:44:17] Bye.

[1:44:25] Dan, let's go through our daily affirmations that you and I go through every day.

[1:44:30] I call you at five in the morning my time, which is eight in the morning your time, just so I can get you kind of in the morning while you're getting ready.

[1:44:37] It's a huge burden on me because it gets into my sleep and I can't really get back to sleep afterwards.

[1:44:41] But here's what Dan and I go through every day.

[1:44:43] We say, okay, my name is Dan.

[1:44:45] People like me.

[1:44:47] They like me for a reason.

[1:44:49] The reason they like me is because I'm a good person.

[1:44:52] I'm a good person and I'm a talented person.

[1:44:54] People like me and they deserve to like me.

[1:44:56] And I deserve their liking.

[1:44:57] And I have Dan say that 40 times every morning.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:00] It's very confusing, Elliot.

[1:45:02] I think we can put a simpler affirmation.

[1:45:05] Like one that doesn't go through so many paths.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:06] Dan, I'm trying to, every morning it's the same thing.

[1:45:08] I'm trying to help you.

[1:45:09] And you're like, can we cut down this affirmation?

[1:45:12] It's like, oh, come on.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:15] Filmfund.org.

[1:45:17] Comedy and culture.

[1:45:18] Artist owned.

[1:45:19] Listener supported.

Ep.#245 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

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