Ep.#246 - 50 Shades Darker LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Fifty Shades Darker.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Live in Brooklyn, New York!

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:37] I'm Stuart... Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[0:40] Where did all these people come from?

[0:42] Yay! Classic live podcast joke. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:48] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Hallie Haglund

[0:51] And I'm Hallie Haglund.

Elliott Kalan

[0:58] Now I know what it was like to be the guy in the Maxell commercials.

[1:04] Blown back by that wall sound.

[1:06] Wow, that reference is old.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11] I can do older.

[1:15] That's right. The star of the show, Hallie Haglund, has joined us, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:21] For those listening at home, Hallie is doing a sassy head motion.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] As befitting her status as star of the show.

[1:31] Let's talk about this movie!

[1:33] She wants to jump right in.

Dan McCoy

[1:35] What do we do on this podcast?

[1:36] You're the boss.

[1:37] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:41] And tonight, we watched Fifty Shades Darker.

[1:44] The sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47] And the prequel to whatever the third one is called.

Hallie Haglund

[1:50] No, I watched it.

[1:51] It's Fifty Shades Freed.

[1:55] That doesn't make any sense at all.

[1:56] But they show it at the end.

[1:57] They show the preview for it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] What?

Hallie Haglund

[1:59] You guys obviously didn't watch through the credits.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] You're right.

[2:02] I forgot to look for the bloops.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] You know, there's a lot to wait for Sam Jackson to come in and recruit me for the Fifty Shades initiative.

Stuart Wellington

[2:10] You know, there's a thing where sometimes when I'm all finished with something, I just kind of fall asleep and forget about the rest.

[2:22] That's my last sex joke for the rest of the night.

[2:25] Wow.

[2:26] You picked the wrong movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:29] If anyone's listening to this now and their parents are in the room or grandparents.

[2:34] Send the kids to bed.

[2:35] Or a child or a dog.

[2:38] Or you think the NSA is listening.

[2:41] Save it for another time because we're probably going to get pretty ribald.

Hallie Haglund

[2:46] This is Flophouse After Dog.

[2:49] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[2:52] So, this is a sex movie, Elliot, right?

[2:55] This is one of those movies that you would see late at night, clutching your...

[3:01] What?

[3:02] What are you going to finish that sentence with?

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] Oh, well, here's...

Dan McCoy

[3:05] It's one of these sentences that I started without actually knowing where I was going with it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:08] What am I clutching, Dan?

[3:10] My purse?

[3:10] My jewels?

[3:12] Worry that a...

[3:13] Purse is the only answer to that one.

[3:15] Worry that a cat burglar might come in and steal my necklace?

[3:19] Here's the situation.

[3:22] The volume is down real low when you're hoping your parents are asleep.

[3:27] Maybe you're even surreptitiously recording it for more watching later.

[3:32] Or, honestly, you're not watching it.

[3:35] I don't know.

[3:36] You're watching a better sex movie.

[3:38] Because here's the thing about this, not to give any spoilers away.

[3:40] This is one of those sex movies that doesn't really seem to like sex very much.

[3:45] And consider sex not to be that good or healthy for people.

[3:50] Unless you do it in the very specific way that God and the government tell you you should do it.

[3:54] We all got the manual in seventh grade.

[3:57] When the girls all went to one gym and learned about, I don't know, matching gloves to bags.

[4:05] And the boys saw the video where guys checked their testicles for cancer.

Stuart Wellington

[4:10] Wait, you had a video?

[4:11] Because I remember at my clients they gave us this little fake pair of testicles to play with.

[4:15] We got that too.

[4:16] Which was crazy.

[4:17] What?

Elliott Kalan

[4:18] Wait, that happened?

[4:19] What?

[4:20] They gave us a little fake rubber pair of testicles so we'd know what it feels like.

[4:25] And it was like, the skin is so rubbery though.

[4:27] This must be what Worf's skin feels like.

[4:31] When he's checking in the shower for testicular cancer.

[4:34] But they showed us a video where it was very graphic.

Dan McCoy

[4:37] If there's anything that I know what it feels like, it's my own testicles.

Elliott Kalan

[4:42] Maybe you don't know what it is and you're like, maybe that's a third testicle growing.

[4:47] But they showed us a video that was just guys getting out of the shower and then checking themselves on camera.

[4:54] How old were they?

[4:55] How old were the guys?

[4:56] They were like 19, you know, shaved.

[4:59] And I remember all the guys in the class were like, how do you think they got that guys to do that?

[5:05] You think they're like prisoners that got some time off their sentence by being in this naked video?

Hallie Haglund

[5:11] That was my first question.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] Yeah.

[5:13] I should have been in this class.

[5:15] But now I'm realizing they're probably just porn actors that they hired for a medical video.

[5:20] Wait, Stuart, did you see this?

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] No, I didn't watch Elliot's creepy video.

[5:26] First off, they were totally shaved, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[5:28] This is why I was wondering whether it's because we grew up in the Midwest and we were taught to be ashamed of our bodies.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] No, I mean, I was too busy playing with these fake testicles they gave us.

[5:38] The teacher left the room for a second.

[5:40] I'm like, you're crazy.

[5:41] Those are immediately going to turn into somebody's little beard.

Dan McCoy

[5:44] Yeah, you're going to start playing hacky sack with them.

[5:50] Someone was upset about that.

[5:53] The testicles aren't connected to a human.

[5:56] No one is feeling bad if you kick them.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] I think it was the play of words on sack.

[6:00] All right.

[6:02] Let's talk about what happens in this movie.

[6:04] So it's the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, which, as we all remember, was about a young woman who falls in love with a mysterious billionaire named Christian Grey.

[6:12] Her name is Anastasia.

[6:15] Steel.

[6:16] Anastasia Steel.

[6:17] These are the real names that real people have.

[6:20] And she falls in love with this billionaire who seduces her partly through his raw sexuality and partly because he's super rich and can just call a helicopter on Uber if he wants to.

[6:33] But he's also involved in light spank play and things like that.

[6:37] He has a room full of paddles and garbage, you know, whatever.

[6:41] Oh, wow.

[6:44] Paddles and garbage or whatever.

[6:46] He gets off on S&M in a room that's very smelly.

[6:52] And he calls his red room.

[6:54] And it's a secret that no one knows about except, I guess, everybody who works for him.

[6:59] Because I forget if she's in the first movie.

[7:01] In this movie, he has this assistant who takes care of his apartment.

[7:04] She's the maid.

Hallie Haglund

[7:05] She's not the assistant.

Elliott Kalan

[7:06] She's not dressed as a maid in a maid's costume.

[7:08] Now, this is a different lady.

[7:10] But, like, each time he's about to take Anastasia to the room, she, like, smirks, like, I know what's going to happen in there.

[7:16] But at the end of the movie, she says, I want you to show me what you really want.

[7:20] Like, show me what you want, what you really, really want.

[7:23] And he says, I want to, I want to, I want to hit you even harder than I've been hitting you.

[7:28] And he hits her too hard.

[7:30] And she says, this is too much for me.

[7:31] And leaves and gets in the elevator and not since the end of Blade Runner, the director's cut.

[7:36] Did an elevator door closing seem so final?

[7:39] Wait.

Hallie Haglund

[7:40] So, I didn't, I was lost completely because I had never seen the first one when I watched this one.

[7:46] I went into it blind.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] You wanted some kind of Star Wars type crawl that explained the story to you.

[7:50] Exactly.

Hallie Haglund

[7:51] So, when he hit her too hard, just not.

[7:55] It was on the butt.

[7:56] Okay.

[7:56] Thank you.

[7:57] Yeah, it was on the butt.

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] Okay.

[7:58] This is a movie that.

Dan McCoy

[7:59] The place that is built for spanking.

[8:03] God.

Elliott Kalan

[8:05] As God intended.

[8:06] It sounds like that's an ad.

[8:08] That's an ad for a chain of butts.

[8:11] And at the end, like a folksy voice just goes, the place that was built for spanking.

Stuart Wellington

[8:19] I dearly hope that the butt is the place for spanking is on your Tinder profile, Dan.

[8:25] If not, you are leaving money on the floor.

[8:29] I hope it's on your business card.

Dan McCoy

[8:32] Hello, I'm Dan McCoy.

[8:34] I'm a comedy writer, but here, the butt is the place for spanking.

Elliott Kalan

[8:38] Okay.

[8:39] So, this movie.

[8:40] So, they have broken up.

[8:42] Things are not looking great for the relationship between Anastasia and Christian Grey.

Hallie Haglund

[8:45] He sends her a bunch of roses and she almost just throws them in the trash.

[8:49] In a very slow scene.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] In which her thought, she might as well have a thought bubble above her head for how much

[8:54] every move is telegraphed in that scene.

Stuart Wellington

[8:57] She doesn't throw them in the trash.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] No.

[9:00] So, she, they've broken up.

[9:03] And she, we learned that she is irresistible to rich men with handsome chins as she starts

[9:07] her job as an assistant at a publishing house in a very cool loft space.

[9:13] They're in Seattle, home of the publishing industry.

[9:17] And I remember I watched the first half of this with my wife until she got bored.

[9:23] And they was.

Stuart Wellington

[9:24] Because your wife was saying, I ain't watching something in Seattle unless fucking

[9:27] Frazier shows up.

Elliott Kalan

[9:29] Somebody better be tossing some salad with scrambled eggs.

Stuart Wellington

[9:33] And you're like, honey, when did you get so raw about Frazier?

Elliott Kalan

[9:39] And, uh, and her big takeaway was this woman could never have afforded that apartment on

[9:44] a publishing assistant's salary.

[9:47] Because that's a job my wife had.

[9:48] And she had to get roommates.

[9:49] I think she does have, it is revealed she has roommates later in the movie.

[9:52] So, Fifty Shades Darker, I apologize for accusing you of that crime.

[9:56] Uh, she goes to an art gallery, a show which is, to her surprise, made up of photos of her

[10:01] by a friend who clearly has a crush on her.

[10:04] Who didn't tell her the gallery was gay?

Hallie Haglund

[10:05] I thought he was gay.

[10:06] Yeah, I thought he was gay, too.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Except that when she's like, hey, thanks.

[10:09] He's clearly crushed that she wasn't, didn't take his hand.

[10:12] Everything about him is gay.

[10:13] Except she's so irresistible.

[10:15] She is, Robert Palmer would say it best, simply irresistible.

[10:20] And not because she's some kind of like...

Dan McCoy

[10:22] That's because she's, just because she's licking her hair back, dancing robotically in the background

[10:26] with a bass guitar.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] Exactly.

[10:29] She doesn't do that.

[10:30] You just described the video, Elliot referenced.

Dan McCoy

[10:33] Oh, okay.

[10:34] No, I thought, I, that's just my perfect woman.

[10:36] I didn't even think about that.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] Oh, yeah.

[10:38] Some kind of like pneumatic robot?

Dan McCoy

[10:40] Yeah.

[10:41] That plays bass?

[10:43] Elliot, I defy you to think of anything cooler than a bass player.

[10:46] I defy you.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Can't do it.

[10:48] Can't do it.

[10:50] Unless it's Xander Cage.

[10:51] But anyway.

[10:54] So here's the thing about Anastasia.

[10:56] What makes her so sexy is that she doesn't know she's so sexy.

[11:01] She's an unassuming, kind of like shrinking violet.

[11:05] She's powerless and needs to be protected.

[11:07] And that powerlessness, powerlessness creates a hold on men, which is her true power.

[11:11] Hallie, it looks like you've got an opinion on this.

Hallie Haglund

[11:13] I just, I find that very anti-feminist.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] That I read it that way or that the movie does that?

Hallie Haglund

[11:19] No, that the movie does that and that you read it that way.

[11:21] It's like, what?

[11:22] You can't, wait a minute, hold on.

[11:25] Explain.

[11:26] What's that song?

[11:27] What's that pop song that's like, you don't know you're beautiful and that's what makes

[11:31] you beautiful.

[11:32] I get so mad when I hear that.

[11:33] I don't know that song.

[11:35] Oh, it's like One Direction?

[11:37] Yeah.

[11:38] It's like, fuck you.

Elliott Kalan

[11:40] Hallie says no direction.

[11:42] It's like, you know what's the sexiest thing in a woman?

[11:45] A lack of confidence.

Hallie Haglund

[11:46] Exactly.

[11:49] But to be fair, I mean, I never saw the first one, but.

Elliott Kalan

[11:53] Oh, where she's super confident.

Hallie Haglund

[11:54] Well, she didn't seem that unconfident.

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] No, she's not totally unconfident.

[12:01] But there's a part of her that's like.

[12:03] I mean, she.

Hallie Haglund

[12:04] But she.

[12:05] She puts.

[12:06] She doesn't take shit from Christian.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] That's true.

[12:09] Well, because she's seen him nude.

Hallie Haglund

[12:10] Except right away when he's like.

[12:12] She's like, I can't talk to you.

[12:13] And he's like, let's go have dinner.

[12:14] And she's like.

[12:15] Okay.

[12:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] This movie is full of moments where Christian does something that is clearly him controlling

[12:21] and trying to buy her.

[12:22] And she's like, what?

[12:23] You can't do that.

[12:24] Well, I just did it.

[12:25] Well, it's a fait accompli now.

[12:28] Nothing I can do.

[12:30] So they do.

[12:31] Christian shows up.

[12:32] I can't talk to you.

[12:33] Well, we'll have dinner.

[12:34] Okay, great.

[12:34] He orders.

Hallie Haglund

[12:35] Because he buys all of the pictures of her.

Elliott Kalan

[12:37] Yeah.

[12:37] He orders his steak medium.

[12:39] Gross.

[12:40] And then.

Hallie Haglund

[12:41] He tries to order for her.

[12:43] Yeah.

[12:43] He tries to order for her.

[12:44] And she's like, no, I'll have a salad.

Elliott Kalan

[12:47] I'll have the quinoa.

[12:48] Quinoa salad.

[12:49] Because it's Seattle in Seattle.

[12:54] And so he wins her over.

[12:56] He said, in the first movie, they had a contract that said how far they could go together.

[13:00] Because nothing says sex and romance like a contract.

[13:05] Just like total paperwork.

Stuart Wellington

[13:06] That was the moment that I got kind of bummed.

[13:08] Because that was the only scene in the first movie I enjoyed at all.

[13:11] That's true.

[13:12] Was the contract writing.

[13:13] Because I just like contract guys.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] It's super funny to imagine their people getting together just to negotiate it without them.

[13:20] Because like, that's a funny job.

[13:22] You have to know that they were negotiating very seriously.

[13:24] And then the lawyers must have just stopped him and like, you got to admit, it's kind of funny.

[13:28] You just got to laugh.

[13:30] Yeah.

[13:30] Sometimes you got to laugh in this business.

[13:32] She says, okay.

[13:33] He's like, I'm open to a new.

[13:35] We'll redo the contract.

[13:37] You're in charge.

[13:38] And she goes, okay.

[13:39] And of course, does this one, he gives her a new phone?

[13:44] Or is that late?

[13:45] She like gets home.

[13:45] No, it's that.

Hallie Haglund

[13:46] But it's when he takes her home and he gives her.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] He gives her a computer and a phone.

[13:50] Because she's in charge.

[13:52] Oh, a computer.

[13:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:54] And she texts him a text.

[13:56] Does it have a good graphics card?

Dan McCoy

[13:59] Can she play Doom on it?

Elliott Kalan

[14:03] I've already downloaded a bunch of emulators for you.

[14:06] So she texts him and ends the text with the phrase, laters, baby.

[14:12] And it was like, oh, this is somehow the grossest thing in the movie.

Hallie Haglund

[14:17] Capital B, by the way.

[14:19] Capital B.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] Yeah, baby.

[14:21] Because maybe it's to the baby from dinosaurs.

[14:26] Now, she is.

Stuart Wellington

[14:29] You said you weren't going to talk about baby Sinclair tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[14:33] I'm sorry.

[14:34] I'm sorry.

[14:35] That was part of Stewart's and my contract before the show.

[14:39] And I apologize.

[14:40] Was that in your rider?

[14:41] I didn't know.

[14:41] It was in the rider, yeah.

[14:44] No baby Sinclair talk.

[14:46] And so throughout the movie, Christian.

Hallie Haglund

[14:48] You promised there would be not the mama.

[14:51] No!

[14:54] No!

Elliott Kalan

[14:59] So Christian keeps essentially trying to buy her.

[15:04] At one point, he transfers $24,000 to her account.

[15:08] He's like, let me give you $24,000.

[15:10] He writes her a check and she rips it off.

[15:12] And he goes, Siri, transfer $24,000 to her account.

[15:16] And she goes, how did you get my account number?

[15:18] Stop that.

[15:19] Well, let's go have sex, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] Let's be clear about something.

[15:24] Christian Grey, the movie tries to have it both ways.

[15:28] The movie tries to get you off on the bondage and discipline stuff.

[15:36] That's one way.

[15:40] And it tries to make you think that BDSM is a disease that needs to be cured.

[15:45] It fits into, like, that's...

[15:47] What did you say?

[15:48] I don't mean...

[15:48] No, it's just like the most prudish sex movie.

[15:50] And like, the thing about Christian Grey is...

[15:52] That sounds like a Disney movie from the 60s, like a live action film.

[15:55] The most prudish sex movie.

[15:57] Starring Dean Jones.

[15:58] No, but the movie tries to make it out like Christian Grey is a creep in part because he likes deviant sex.

[16:07] But the reason Christian Grey is a creep is he's a creep.

Hallie Haglund

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:10] No.

[16:11] But it's not the deviant sex.

[16:13] It's like...

[16:13] It's that he controls...

[16:14] But that's...

[16:16] Yeah.

[16:16] Because he controls her outside of it.

[16:17] But then I feel like it's also trying to, like, plug into some...

[16:22] I don't...

[16:23] Like, not a fantasy that I'm familiar with in terms of women having.

[16:27] But just like...

[16:28] When he's like, I own you.

[16:30] You belong to me.

[16:31] And she's like, no, I don't.

[16:32] But she's kind of into it.

[16:34] And then when she asks him to go on the trip and he's like, the answer is no.

[16:39] And, like, I feel like our mid...

[16:41] Like, this was supposed to be, like, really big with, like...

[16:44] Housewives.

[16:45] Right.

[16:45] Are they, like, jerking it to, like...

[16:49] No, I can't go on that trip.

[16:50] Jerking it like crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] This movie, I'm going to say two things.

[16:55] One...

Dan McCoy

[16:55] The listener at home couldn't see Hallie's adorable jerking it motion.

[16:59] Which almost knocked Elliot off the toadstool he's sitting on.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] There are times when Hallie is...

[17:06] There's something adorable about you, Hallie.

[17:08] That's like a child that's heard about sex.

[17:11] And it's like, this is how they do it.

[17:13] He kisses her and puts his tongue in her mouth and she has a baby.

[17:16] But, like...

[17:18] But, uh...

[17:18] There's...

[17:19] Okay, here's three points I'm going to make.

[17:20] One.

[17:22] Yes, they are masturbating to that.

[17:23] Two.

[17:24] This movie makes the most sense if Christian is a vampire or a serial killer.

[17:29] And three.

[17:30] Here's the...

[17:30] This movie fits into...

[17:31] And this is a double-headed point.

[17:33] This movie fits into...

[17:36] Gross, dude.

[17:38] Yeah, sorry.

[17:39] Too much?

[17:40] This movie fits into two American traditions.

[17:43] One is...

[17:45] Titillating and then condemning.

[17:47] I was about to say condemnating.

[17:50] Titillating and then making it okay by condemning.

[17:52] It's okay for me to be turned on by this because I'm going to know it's bad and it's going to be judged as bad.

[17:57] So that makes it okay.

[17:58] And number two, there is nothing...

[18:00] For all the, like, hitting and butts in this movie.

[18:03] Yeah.

[18:03] There is nothing sexier or kinkier in this movie than money.

[18:08] Every time they want to show how great Christian is, he rents a boat and takes her on a boat.

[18:13] He takes her to his rich family's, like, fancy Venetian-themed masquerade ball where there's an auction for a night in his dad's cabin.

[18:22] And she throws the $24,000 away.

Hallie Haglund

[18:25] No, it's his cabin.

Elliott Kalan

[18:26] Oh, it's his cabin.

[18:26] I'm sorry.

[18:27] In Aspen.

Hallie Haglund

[18:28] It's a condo.

[18:29] It's not a condo.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] It's not that impressive.

[18:33] Yeah.

[18:33] So, like, this movie is, it's squarely, it's like, the thing that's going to get people hard and or wet is, it's like...

[18:41] Thank you for specifying.

[18:42] Sometimes both.

[18:43] Sometimes both.

[18:44] Is, look at how...

[18:45] I'm getting old, guys, is what I'm trying to say.

[18:50] It's like, look at how much money he has.

[18:53] Look at how easy life is for him because he's got so much money.

[18:56] He can do whatever he wants because he's totally rich.

[18:59] He doesn't really go to work, right?

[19:01] No.

[19:02] I mean, he basically has Bruce Wayne's job, where his job is to put on a suit, sit through a meeting board, and then get up and leave whenever he wants.

Hallie Haglund

[19:11] No, but we also forgot to mention that, okay, so she's working at this publishing house, and right when they get together, he's like,

[19:18] I'm buying that publishing house, and she's like, Christian, this is my job, and he's like, no, it's not even about you.

[19:24] I've been meaning to get into publishing, and she's like, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] She's like, that makes sense.

[19:29] Publishing is on the rise.

[19:33] And there's never a better time.

[19:34] It's a wise investment for a billionaire.

[19:38] It's the Citizen Kane moment of him buying the newspaper, except he's doing it to own a woman.

[19:46] So, anyway, but the movie wins us back over with all the on-the-nose, slow R&B jams that show up over the sex scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[19:53] So, it was kind of tough to hear those R&B jams.

[19:56] I watched it at the bar, again, as part of a double feature.

[19:59] Now, which bar is that, Stuart?

[20:00] Interlands Bar in Kensington.

[20:02] Check it out.

[20:06] Thanks, Dan.

[20:09] I'll give you your money after the show.

[20:11] So, we were watching it at the bar, and we had just gotten done watching Triple X, Return of Xander Cage, which really tested the limits of my sound system.

[20:21] So, when we were playing Fifty Shades Darker, any time there was any kind of variance in sound, the whole sound system would blow out.

[20:30] And we'd just have to read the, what, closed captioning?

[20:34] So, like, when the gun goes off, spoiler alert, there's a gun.

[20:37] When the helicopter makes a backfire noise, any time the R&B jams got too exciting, the sound would go off.

Elliott Kalan

[20:44] Oh, because there's, they found the most on-the-nose music.

[20:47] There's a part later in the movie where Anastasia, she's, like, overcome her difficulties, and she wants to go further with Christian.

[20:53] And the music literally starts going, like, I'm not afraid anymore.

[20:58] I'm not afraid anymore.

[21:00] Bring it on me.

[21:02] And it's, like, seriously?

Dan McCoy

[21:03] The weirdest sex scene is when they're having sex, and it's like, thank you for being a friend.

[21:09] That was the sexiest scene.

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] I got ketchup on my blue jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] Streaks on the china, never been there before.

Dan McCoy

[21:20] What would we do, baby, without us?

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] Well, there's a time for love and a time for living.

Dan McCoy

[21:28] You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both.

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] Whatever happened to predictability?

[21:34] The movie would be so much better if that was the soundtrack.

[21:38] Classic Flothouse medley.

[21:39] Yeah.

[21:40] How did the ALF song go?

[21:41] ALF!

[21:42] ALF, ALF, ALF!

[21:43] I guess there are no lyrics.

[21:47] Okay, ALF.

[21:48] So, there's three different kind of danger subplots in the movie.

[21:54] One is the woman who inducted Christian Grey into S&M when he was a teen, Kim Basinger.

[22:00] The Kim Basinger?

[22:02] Playing a character.

[22:03] Oh, okay.

[22:04] She's not playing Kim Basinger.

[22:06] And she's trying to keep Anastasia away from Christian.

Stuart Wellington

[22:09] What was her name?

[22:10] Elaine?

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] Something like that.

[22:11] Yeah, like from Seinfeld.

Stuart Wellington

[22:14] And there's something...

[22:15] I don't know if putting Kim Basinger in this movie just heightened the fact that like, nine and

[22:21] a half weeks was a little more of a sexy movie, right?

[22:24] Like, they did like a kind of intense relationship way better than this movie does.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] I guess.

[22:31] And it helped that they knew there was a deadline, so they had to really amp it up.

[22:35] And there was a...

[22:36] I can't take a lot of time.

[22:40] I only have eight and a half weeks left.

Dan McCoy

[22:42] Why did they just round it up to ten weeks?

[22:43] That's what I always wondered.

[22:45] You know?

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Because they're playing off of that...

[22:47] The Fellini film in the half weeks.

[22:48] They had a weekend trip.

Stuart Wellington

[22:48] They had an Airbnb plan.

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] They wanted to do ten weeks, yeah, but they had to get out because it wasn't available for

[22:55] those other days.

Stuart Wellington

[22:56] They had an Air S&M.

[22:58] There's no way any Airbnb would rent to Mickey Roar for nine weeks.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] So there's that.

[23:09] Actually, there's four of these.

[23:10] There's Christian dealing with his memories of his mom.

[23:13] His real biological mom OD'd.

[23:15] He was left with the body for four days when he was a kid.

[23:18] And the woman who is now...

Hallie Haglund

[23:19] When did that happen?

[23:20] In flashbacks.

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] It happened when he was a kid.

Hallie Haglund

[23:23] But we didn't know he was left with the body for four days.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] No, he mentions it at one point.

Stuart Wellington

[23:27] He keeps calling her his birth mom or his biological mom.

[23:31] Because she was.

[23:31] Okay.

[23:32] I know, but there was something weird about...

Elliott Kalan

[23:35] Story checks out.

[23:37] And his adop...

[23:38] Because he was adopted by this billionaire family.

[23:43] There's also.

Hallie Haglund

[23:43] But he was also burned with cigarettes by his mom's boyfriend, father.

[23:49] So all over his chest...

[23:50] Father, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] We don't know.

[23:51] All over his chest, there's burn marks.

[23:53] And at one point...

[23:53] And that's the...

[23:54] Yeah.

[23:54] He takes a lipstick and he just...

[23:57] He doesn't take it.

[23:58] Oh, no.

[23:58] He lets her take it.

[24:00] And she draws a rectangle around his chest and he goes,

[24:02] those are my boundaries.

[24:03] That's a map of my pain or something like that.

[24:05] Because he won't let...

[24:05] He won't let her touch it.

[24:06] Yeah, it's a road map of pain.

[24:07] What's that?

[24:08] Hellraiser?

[24:08] Yeah.

[24:09] And then Pinhead comes out and he's like,

Stuart Wellington

[24:12] don't drag me into this.

[24:12] Why do I keep talking about fucking Hellraiser tonight?

Dan McCoy

[24:15] And then later on, there's a scene in the shower

[24:18] where she washes away his boundaries

[24:20] in the most obvious symbolism ever.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] I love that scene because when they start kissing

[24:25] and then the shower's already on

[24:27] and they rush into it making out and take their clothes off.

[24:29] And I was like, who turned the shower on?

Stuart Wellington

[24:32] Oh, that's a different scene.

Elliott Kalan

[24:34] Oh, that's a different scene?

[24:35] Yeah, that's a different scene.

[24:35] It was like, did the assistant see them making out

[24:37] and was like, I better turn on that shower?

[24:39] Or did Christian go like, wait, wait, wait, wait,

[24:42] and run and turn the shower on and get the temperature right

[24:44] and then run back and be like, okay, let's go now.

[24:46] Let's go now.

[24:47] The moment's still good.

[24:48] Keep that moment going.

[24:50] Okay, so that's...

Stuart Wellington

[24:51] Ellen is showing that he has practiced at shower sex, I guess.

[24:56] It's an interesting window.

[24:57] Well, someone's not going to turn it on

Elliott Kalan

[24:57] unless he has a voice-activated shower

[24:59] in which case the future is here.

[25:01] Why are we talking about S&M

[25:03] when that's what we should be talking about?

Dan McCoy

[25:05] Underwater sex.

[25:06] Has anyone tried it?

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] In joke!

[25:12] In joke.

[25:13] Okay, so Kim Basinger,

[25:15] she's trying to get back on her old territory.

[25:17] He's got his traumatic memories.

[25:18] Number three, there's a mysterious girl, woman,

[25:22] who keeps stepping out

[25:23] and seems to be a threat to Anastasia.

[25:25] It turns out to be an old sub of Christians.

[25:28] And number four,

[25:30] Anastasia's boss has the hots for

[25:32] and he's now taking no for an answer.

Stuart Wellington

[25:33] So first off,

[25:34] let me talk about point number three.

[25:36] Doesn't Anastasia describe her as like,

[25:37] this strange woman with bandages on her wrist.

[25:40] Yeah.

[25:40] Like, come on, dude.

[25:42] Even, like,

[25:43] that's the easiest movie shorthand.

[25:44] That's like when

[25:45] any time a woman barfs in the morning

[25:48] or at all in a movie,

[25:49] you're like,

[25:50] oh, you're pregnant, dude.

[25:52] Well, bandages on the wrist.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] It's not like...

[25:54] I love the idea of Stuart as a doctor.

[25:56] You're pregnant, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] Deal with it.

[26:03] Da-doi.

[26:04] And you're getting Adele.

Hallie Haglund

[26:06] Yeah.

[26:06] No, but I get it, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] You're getting Adele, dude,

[26:09] and you're preggers.

Hallie Haglund

[26:10] This definitely veered from the nuance

[26:13] of the rest of the movie.

[26:16] I'm totally with you there.

Stuart Wellington

[26:18] Touche.

[26:18] Now I want to talk about point number four

[26:20] that you mentioned, Elliot.

[26:21] Her boss,

[26:22] he kind of looks like Garrett Dillahunt

[26:25] if he was a little sexier.

[26:27] That guy who laughed

[26:29] knows what I'm talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[26:33] So anyway,

[26:34] so each of these subplots...

[26:37] He's seated the floor to me.

[26:39] I get it.

[26:39] Here's the thing with this movie.

[26:40] Each of these subplots

[26:41] is taken care of

[26:42] almost immediately

[26:43] when they come to a head.

[26:45] The girl shows up

[26:46] in Anastasia's apartment

[26:47] with a gun.

Hallie Haglund

[26:48] No, that happens at the end.

[26:49] They plant the seeds

[26:50] at the beginning.

Elliott Kalan

[26:51] Sorry, they plant the seeds

[26:52] at the beginning.

Hallie Haglund

[26:53] And then they're totally irrelevant

[26:54] for all of the middle of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] And then at the end,

[26:57] she shows up with a gun.

[26:58] Christian walks in

[26:59] because, of course,

[26:59] Anastasia is under surveillance

[27:01] at all times

[27:01] because he loves her.

[27:03] And walks in

[27:05] and commands her

[27:06] because her sub train,

[27:07] it's like a Weapon X type thing.

[27:10] Her sub training

[27:11] is still in there.

[27:12] So he was able to command her

[27:13] to give him the gun.

Hallie Haglund

[27:14] You know,

[27:15] this is what...

[27:15] It was so amazing.

[27:16] So he goes...

[27:18] So he walks in

[27:19] and she's pointing the gun

[27:20] at Anastasia.

[27:21] Paint a word picture for us.

[27:22] And he gestures

[27:25] so that she'll move the gun

[27:27] to pointing at him.

[27:29] And she's like,

[27:30] Christian, no!

[27:31] Anastasia.

[27:31] Christian, no!

[27:33] And then...

[27:33] And then he's like...

[27:36] He just stops her with his hand.

[27:39] And then he just goes...

[27:43] Like a beckoning.

[27:43] For the podcast.

[27:44] A beckoning to give the gun.

[27:46] Puts it in his pocket.

[27:47] And then he says...

[27:49] Kneel.

[27:50] But when I was watching it,

[27:52] I thought he said,

[27:53] Heel.

Stuart Wellington

[27:56] Wow.

Hallie Haglund

[27:57] And I was like,

[27:57] that is so fucked up.

Stuart Wellington

[28:00] Now the hottest thing about that

[28:02] is he takes that pistol

[28:04] and he sticks it in his pocket

[28:05] where I'm assuming

[28:06] a pair of used, what,

[28:08] anal or vaginal beads

[28:09] are sitting?

[28:10] Oh, I forgot about that.

[28:11] Oh, that's another...

[28:12] That's the best part.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] I forgot that he gives her

[28:13] a pair of vaginal beads

[28:14] to wear at his family's

[28:16] fancy auction house.

[28:17] I want to say something

[28:18] about this.

[28:19] Or were they anal beads?

[28:20] Dan, what do they look like to you?

[28:21] I thought they were like

[28:22] Benoit balls.

[28:23] They're Benoit balls.

[28:23] Okay, they're Benoit balls.

[28:25] They're like Captain Queeg

[28:26] was using them

[28:26] and then gave them to...

Dan McCoy

[28:27] They're for the vagina.

[28:30] However, like...

[28:31] And let me tell you,

Elliott Kalan

[28:33] when he puts them in,

[28:34] they go in real easy.

[28:35] Yeah.

[28:36] Well...

[28:37] I don't know what she was using, but...

[28:39] She was using her own saliva.

[28:41] He made her...

[28:42] Put them in her mouth.

[28:43] Yeah.

[28:44] But still,

[28:46] she must have had them

[28:47] in her mouth

[28:47] for like a minute and a half.

[28:49] You saw that.

[28:50] You saw the footage.

Dan McCoy

[28:50] Yeah, they didn't soften up at all.

[28:54] I feel like a marker

[28:55] of how like vanilla

[28:57] the movie actually is, though,

[28:59] is like this movie

[28:59] wants it to be like,

[29:01] like this is the kinkiest shit ever.

[29:03] Like you have never seen

[29:04] kinkier shit.

[29:06] You've never even imagined

[29:07] this stuff.

[29:08] I've never imagined...

[29:08] And she...

[29:09] He pulls out these balls

[29:10] and she immediately goes,

[29:12] those aren't going in my butt.

[29:14] And I was thinking

[29:15] while I was watching it,

[29:17] if this movie had the courage

[29:18] of its convictions,

[29:19] those would be going in her butt.

Hallie Haglund

[29:21] I thought they were

[29:22] definitely going in her butt.

[29:24] And then he's like,

[29:25] no, no, no.

[29:26] They're not going in your butt.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] As if they're going

[29:29] someplace way crazier.

[29:31] They're just going

[29:32] in your vagina.

[29:32] Oh, no.

[29:32] They're going in your ears.

[29:36] What's weird is that

[29:37] so this movie

[29:38] doesn't have the courage

[29:39] of the convictions

[29:40] that that Katherine Heigl movie has

[29:42] where she has

[29:42] the vibrating panties on

[29:44] and the kid gets a hold

[29:46] of the remote control

[29:47] and she's just coming

[29:48] all over the place

[29:48] during a business dinner

[29:49] because this...

[29:50] Anastasia's wearing them

[29:51] and they go to this fancy ball

[29:52] from her family

[29:53] and she sits down

[29:54] and goes,

[29:54] oh,

[29:54] and he goes,

[29:55] now you see what they do?

[29:56] Never brought up again.

Hallie Haglund

[29:59] That's not true.

[30:00] She like laughs at something

[30:01] and she's like,

[30:01] huh,

[30:02] huh,

[30:02] huh.

[30:03] That's her,

[30:04] her overreaction

[30:05] at like every possible

[30:07] physical stimuli

[30:09] is exhausting.

[30:10] Like he like touches her

[30:12] huh.

Stuart Wellington

[30:14] That's the kind of effect

[30:15] a guy like Christian Grey

Dan McCoy

[30:16] has on ladies.

[30:17] She orgasms immediately

[30:19] no matter what is going on.

[30:20] Yeah.

[30:21] It must be a terrible

[30:22] disability to live with.

[30:24] Yeah.

[30:24] No,

[30:25] but also there's like a scene

[30:26] like talking about

[30:27] the sex scenes

[30:27] because like that's,

[30:28] that's all we care about.

[30:29] Okay,

[30:29] and then I want to get,

Elliott Kalan

[30:30] I want to get back to the stuff

[30:31] with her boss.

[30:32] We'll get back to the plot later.

[30:32] Okay.

[30:33] Let's talk about the,

Dan McCoy

[30:34] the raison de tre of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] Yeah.

[30:37] Thank you, Elliot.

[30:38] That means,

[30:39] that means a tray of raisins.

[30:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:46] There's a scene

[30:47] where she's like,

[30:48] spank me

[30:48] and he spanks her three times

[30:51] like a man

[30:51] who has never spanked a woman

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] and then have sex.

[30:55] Describe that.

[30:56] How,

[30:56] how does a man

[30:56] who's never spanked a woman

[30:57] spanked a woman?

Dan McCoy

[30:58] He,

[30:58] he does it like

[30:59] with this weird like

[31:00] half closed palm

[31:01] and he just goes in

[31:02] Like he's gonna throw

[31:03] a knuckleball?

[31:03] Yeah.

[31:04] He goes in,

[31:06] there's no follow through,

[31:07] he just sort of stops

[31:08] when he reaches the,

[31:09] I mean,

[31:09] I,

[31:10] I understand that this is like

[31:11] a movie with actors.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] They can't actually like,

[31:13] Actors who by all accounts

[31:14] did not like each other.

[31:15] No,

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] no.

[31:16] Really?

[31:17] But,

[31:17] apparently they did not care

[31:18] for each other

[31:19] instead of the first one.

[31:20] Maybe that,

[31:20] I don't know,

[31:20] maybe they buried the hatchet.

[31:21] But there's three spanks.

[31:24] Yeah,

[31:25] all right.

[31:25] Not,

[31:25] that's a phrase people use.

[31:27] There's no innuendo

Dan McCoy

[31:30] in that one.

[31:31] There's three spanks

[31:32] and then it's just like,

[31:33] and now the missionary sex.

[31:35] And it's like,

[31:36] if there's one thing

[31:36] I know about people

[31:37] who like spanking,

[31:38] it's that they love

[31:39] to just stop

[31:40] after three spanks.

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] It's the rule of threes,

[31:44] Dan.

[31:44] Yeah.

[31:45] I gotta say,

[31:46] nothing makes me happier

[31:48] than Dan getting mad

[31:49] at how boring

[31:50] the sex is.

Dan McCoy

[31:53] This was a perfectly

[31:54] good movie.

[31:54] It could have been

[31:55] a perfectly good movie

[31:55] about butts

[31:56] and then they

[31:56] fucked it all up.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] And there's a lot

[31:59] more boob shots

[32:00] in this movie.

[32:01] There's less butts,

[32:02] I think,

[32:02] than even the first one.

Stuart Wellington

[32:03] Yeah.

[32:03] There's more nudity

[32:04] than I expected.

[32:05] I would expect it

[32:06] with the sequel

[32:07] that they would have

[32:07] been like,

[32:08] nah,

[32:08] we don't need

[32:09] to put that in.

[32:09] People are gonna

[32:10] come and laugh

[32:11] this garbage up.

Hallie Haglund

[32:11] This was less sexy

[32:12] than the first one,

[32:14] having not seen

[32:14] the first one.

[32:15] They're both

Dan McCoy

[32:16] pretty unsexy.

[32:17] They're both

[32:17] pretty unsexy.

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:19] And also,

[32:19] speaking of butts,

[32:20] there should have been

[32:20] more...

[32:22] As you often are.

[32:24] There should have been...

Elliott Kalan

[32:24] I feel like that segue

[32:25] should just go assumed

[32:27] whenever you're about

[32:28] to say something.

Dan McCoy

[32:28] There is a dearth

[32:30] of male nudity

[32:30] in this film.

[32:31] For a film that was

[32:33] based on a book

[32:34] that was written

[32:35] by and for women,

[32:37] there's very little

[32:38] male nudity.

[32:38] He has a lot of sex

[32:39] with his pants on.

Hallie Haglund

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:40] He doesn't even...

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:42] He gets her fully nude.

[32:44] You see everything

[32:45] about her.

[32:46] And then he undoes

[32:48] his buckle

[32:48] and he's having sex

[32:50] with her.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] The ultimate fantasy.

[32:53] There's literally

[32:54] a scene where he still

[32:55] has his jeans on.

[32:55] Put on a brown t-shirt.

Dan McCoy

[33:02] I think that's a reference

[33:03] to something that wasn't

[33:04] on the podcast.

[33:05] That's a reference

[33:06] to part of the pre-show.

[33:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] But he's like...

[33:09] We had David Duchovny's

[33:10] brown t-shirt diaries.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] There's a scene

[33:14] where his jeans

[33:15] are like halfway

[33:16] down his butt

[33:17] and they're having sex.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:18] That's the sexiest

[33:19] part of the butt.

[33:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:20] You want to see

[33:21] the full butt.

Hallie Haglund

[33:21] I mean,

[33:22] there was the very

[33:23] sensual scene

[33:24] when he was working out

[33:25] and he has

[33:26] a pummel horse

[33:28] in his workout room.

Elliott Kalan

[33:29] And he just

[33:30] balances on it

[33:31] for a long time.

[33:32] I know.

Hallie Haglund

[33:32] I was like,

[33:33] this would be so hardcore

[33:34] if he started doing

[33:35] like a gymnast routine

[33:37] on this.

Stuart Wellington

[33:39] And they're trying

[33:40] to present it

[33:40] like it's super sexy

[33:41] but I'm like,

[33:42] movie,

[33:43] I've seen

[33:44] fucking Magic Mike XXL.

[33:46] You do nothing

[33:47] for me.

[33:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] In a world

[33:50] where that exists.

[33:51] Anyway,

[33:51] so...

[33:52] We're way behind.

[33:52] I want to get back

[33:53] to the plot.

[33:53] Speaking of behind,

[33:54] we're way behind.

[33:56] I want to get back

[33:57] to the plot

[33:58] in The Last Trans.

[33:58] Her boss

[33:59] sexually harasses her.

[34:02] Christian,

[34:02] of course,

[34:03] has bought the company

[34:04] and fires him.

[34:04] Hey,

[34:05] there's nobody

[34:06] who understands

[34:07] the fiction editor's work

[34:09] like the fiction editor's assistant.

[34:11] I guess we'll just promote

[34:12] the newest person

[34:13] in the office

[34:13] to the highest position.

[34:15] That's what happens

[34:16] to Anastasia.

[34:17] Yeah.

[34:17] She has a great

[34:18] breakthrough idea.

[34:19] Let's get young authors

[34:20] that people on the internet like.

[34:23] Yeah.

[34:23] How popular is he?

Hallie Haglund

[34:26] He's had 80,000 hits

[34:28] in the last month.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] That was like

[34:31] for Big Cell.

[34:32] It is the idea

[34:33] of the century.

[34:34] The option was either

[34:35] print fewer books

[34:36] or print more books.

[34:38] And she went with

[34:39] print more books.

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] It's around this time

[34:43] that Anastasia

[34:45] is a little bit afraid

[34:46] of what Christian

[34:46] might want to do

[34:47] and he admits

[34:47] that he's not a dom.

[34:49] He's a sadist.

[34:50] He likes to make women hurt

[34:52] because it's revenge

[34:53] on his mom.

[34:53] And he says,

[34:54] and I know how fucked up

[34:55] that is.

[34:56] And it's like,

[34:56] if even the guy

[34:57] in the movie

[34:57] doesn't like the thing

[34:58] that gives him

[34:59] sexual pleasure,

[34:59] then like,

[35:00] I don't know, movie.

[35:05] And there's a,

[35:05] but this is when,

[35:06] okay,

[35:07] Christian proposes to her.

[35:08] She decides to,

[35:10] she says,

[35:10] I'll think about it.

[35:11] He wants to make

[35:12] the ultimate commitment

[35:13] because you know what?

[35:14] There's no stronger bondage

[35:15] than a wedding ring.

[35:16] because that's a bondage

[35:18] of souls.

Stuart Wellington

[35:22] I guess you're getting

[35:23] money from Zales now?

[35:26] Hey guys,

[35:26] did you know

[35:27] every kiss begins with K?

[35:29] Wow,

[35:30] Zales is going to be

[35:30] angry with you.

Elliott Kalan

[35:32] I'll take it from,

[35:33] I'm like Yojimbo,

[35:34] I'm working both sides.

[35:35] setting them against each other.

[35:37] This is last man standing.

[35:41] She decides,

[35:43] she says,

[35:43] don't think about it.

[35:44] She decides,

[35:44] of course,

[35:45] that she is going to

[35:46] answer the proposal

[35:47] in the form of

[35:48] giving him for his birthday

[35:49] a novelty keychain

[35:50] that says yes.

[35:51] But before he opens it,

[35:53] before he opens it,

[35:55] he's in a helicopter crash.

[35:57] What?

[35:59] He's in a helicopter

[36:00] and crashes into the

[36:01] beautiful Pacific Northwest.

[36:03] This is the point in the movie

[36:04] where the news of his

[36:05] disappearance is all over TV

[36:07] and I was like,

[36:08] oh,

[36:08] so he's famous?

Hallie Haglund

[36:09] He's a billionaire.

Elliott Kalan

[36:12] Okay,

[36:13] there's a lot of

[36:14] billionaires out there.

[36:15] Anyway,

[36:16] if only,

[36:18] no,

[36:18] go on,

[36:19] Hallie.

Hallie Haglund

[36:19] This is the part

[36:20] of the movie

[36:20] where I cry.

Stuart Wellington

[36:24] And Hallie,

[36:25] I want you to tell it.

[36:26] I want you to tell it

[36:27] and I want you to tell us.

Hallie Haglund

[36:28] Because,

[36:30] so she goes back

[36:31] to the apartment

[36:32] that he's now

[36:32] given her a key to,

[36:33] which was a big step.

[36:35] He says,

Elliott Kalan

[36:36] you can bring

[36:36] some of your stuff here

[36:37] and it's like,

[36:38] he might as well

[36:39] opened his soul.

Hallie Haglund

[36:40] Right,

[36:41] but so she's there

[36:42] and his family,

[36:43] Marsha Gay Harden,

[36:45] his adoptive mother,

[36:47] but he named a boat

[36:48] after her,

[36:49] Grace,

[36:50] you know,

[36:50] he loves him.

[36:51] Okay,

[36:51] so she's watching,

[36:52] so they're all watching

[36:53] the coverage

[36:57] he can't be dead

[36:59] we didn't have any time

[37:01] and like,

[37:02] that's when I started crying.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] Well,

[37:04] lucky for you,

[37:05] Hallie,

[37:05] that no less than,

[37:06] I think,

[37:07] four or five minutes

[37:08] after the crash scene,

[37:09] Christian walks back

[37:10] into the apartment.

[37:12] It's okay,

[37:13] everybody,

[37:13] he survived.

[37:15] Oh,

[37:16] and she says,

[37:17] he opens his present,

[37:19] sees that the novelty key chain

[37:20] that says yes

[37:21] and she's accepted

[37:23] his proposal.

[37:24] That's according to my notes

[37:25] when they have their shower sex

[37:26] in their clothes.

[37:27] Yes,

[37:27] that was my answer.

[37:28] And when they go to the red room

[37:29] and the song plays

[37:30] that says,

[37:30] I'm not afraid anymore.

[37:31] Now,

Stuart Wellington

[37:31] were you hoping

[37:33] that he was gonna come back

[37:34] like Mr. Rainsford

[37:35] and Jane Eyre

[37:36] all like burned up

[37:37] and shit?

[37:38] Oh yeah,

[37:38] all scarred and blind.

[37:39] But like,

[37:40] kinda awesome

[37:41] and burned up.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] I wanted to come back

Stuart Wellington

[37:43] as like Darkman,

[37:44] yeah.

[37:45] A lot like Darkman.

[37:47] So he can't feel pain anymore

[37:49] and he has other powers,

[37:51] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] The question is

[37:52] whether he can feel pleasure now

[37:54] when he has a machine

[37:54] that makes faces.

[37:56] That's what Darkman's about,

[37:57] right?

[37:58] He's not a face-making machine?

[37:59] So that would fit perfectly.

Stuart Wellington

[38:00] It's about a nose that explodes.

Dan McCoy

[38:02] Wait,

[38:02] he has a nose that explodes?

[38:04] No,

[38:04] remember he's like

[38:05] trying to simulate the flesh

[38:07] and that nose just like a

[38:08] whomp.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] Explodes

[38:11] was selling it quite a lot.

[38:13] So,

[38:13] there's also the point

[38:14] where someone's like,

[38:15] Christian,

[38:15] you're only 27

[38:16] and I was like,

[38:17] no way.

[38:17] Get the fuck out of here.

[38:19] No way.

[38:20] I missed that.

[38:22] Seriously?

[38:23] He looks bad for 27.

[38:25] Yeah.

[38:27] That was the first moment

[38:28] where I was like,

[38:28] maybe this guy was left

[38:29] with his mom's dead body

[38:30] for four days

[38:31] because he does not look 27.

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] Yeah,

[38:33] he's like a ghoul or something.

[38:34] He's got crypt rot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:38] To make a long story short,

[38:40] this is when the movie

[38:41] gets ultra soap opera

[38:42] because there's like

[38:43] a party for his birthday.

[38:44] He announces the engagement.

[38:46] Kim Basinger

[38:46] confronts Anastasia

[38:48] and says...

[38:48] For the second time.

Hallie Haglund

[38:49] We didn't mention before

[38:50] the party.

[38:51] She already confronted her.

[38:52] She's like,

Elliott Kalan

[38:52] keep your distance.

[38:54] You can't change him.

[38:55] What?

[38:55] She confronted her

Stuart Wellington

[38:56] in the shitter

[38:56] of that fancy house.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] Yeah, yeah.

[38:58] That's what they call it

[38:59] in a real fancy house.

[39:02] She walked out of a stall

[39:04] buckling her belt

[39:05] and went,

[39:05] woo!

[39:06] Hey,

[39:07] you better stay away

[39:08] from Christian

[39:09] because you think

[39:09] you can tame him.

[39:10] But you can't tame him

[39:11] any more than I could tame that.

[39:13] Gotta go.

[39:15] And then,

[39:16] Kim Basinger says,

[39:18] so I see you didn't

[39:19] take my advice.

[39:20] And Anastasia says,

[39:21] you're trying to take him

[39:22] away from me

[39:23] and Christian throws

[39:24] champagne in her face.

[39:25] Christian shows up

[39:26] and says...

[39:27] One second.

Stuart Wellington

[39:27] It was a martini.

[39:28] Oh, sorry.

[39:29] I just want to talk about

[39:30] the champagne in this movie.

[39:32] What's going on, dude?

[39:34] There's no bubbles

[39:34] in any of this

[39:35] fucking champagne, right?

[39:36] It's clearly not Corbell.

[39:37] Is it lube?

[39:39] Yeah.

[39:40] There's a part where...

[39:41] There's a part where he...

[39:43] It explains why

[39:44] they're drinking it.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] He pours something

[39:46] on Anastasia

[39:47] and she shudders

[39:48] as if a thousand waves

[39:49] of pleasure

[39:50] just went through her.

[39:51] And Hallie and I

[39:52] can't agree on

[39:53] what that liquid was.

Hallie Haglund

[39:53] I thought it was oil.

Elliott Kalan

[39:55] I thought it was champagne.

Hallie Haglund

[39:57] We'll never know.

[39:58] In the red room,

[39:59] do you guys...

[39:59] What would you guys think?

[40:00] I thought it was oil.

[40:01] Probably pee-pee.

[40:02] Okay, probably pee.

[40:03] So let's go on.

Stuart Wellington

[40:05] And so she throws...

[40:06] How does this movie end?

[40:07] She throws...

[40:07] That's why I was...

[40:08] Yeah, that's why I was so oily.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] She throws her drink

[40:11] in Kim Basinger's face.

Stuart Wellington

[40:13] Wait, is there something

[40:13] wrong with my pee-pee, guys?

[40:16] Please stop saying pee-pee.

[40:17] Oh, I gotta go to the doctor.

[40:18] Hey, dude, it's me,

[40:20] Stuart the doctor.

[40:22] Just pee in this cup

[40:23] for all over Kim Basinger.

Elliott Kalan

[40:25] There's a problem

[40:25] with your pee-pee, dude.

[40:30] He's like a doctor

[40:31] who has a bunch

[40:32] of surfboards up in his office.

[40:36] And he's always just...

Stuart Wellington

[40:37] Yeah, posters that say sports.

Elliott Kalan

[40:39] Yeah, and he...

[40:39] And he's strumming

[40:41] on an unplugged

[40:42] electric guitar

Dan McCoy

[40:43] while he diagnoses you.

[40:45] We're so close

[40:46] to being at the end

[40:46] of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[40:47] He goes to...

[40:48] We're edging, dude.

[40:49] Wait, he goes to scrub

[40:50] in for surgery

[40:51] and he has to wash

[40:51] his puka shell necklace.

[40:56] Okay, so...

[40:57] Christian walks up.

[40:59] He has the best line

[41:00] of the movie,

[41:00] in my opinion,

[41:01] where he says,

[41:01] you taught me to fuck,

[41:02] but she taught me to love.

[41:04] And then...

[41:05] And his adopted mother

[41:07] overhears this,

[41:09] slaps Kim Basinger

[41:10] in the face,

[41:11] and we're in full-on

[41:12] dynasty mode

[41:12] at that point.

Hallie Haglund

[41:13] Because they were best friends.

[41:14] They were best friends

[41:15] before that,

[41:16] because she didn't get

[41:17] that apparently

[41:18] Kim Basinger

[41:19] sexually abused him,

[41:20] but then somehow

[41:21] when she heard

[41:22] that very small comment,

[41:23] she understood

[41:24] the whole breadth

[41:25] of the deep abuse

[41:27] that happened.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] There was some kind

[41:28] of usual suspects

[41:29] montage they cut

[41:30] where all the clues

[41:32] from the past

[41:32] 27 or 12 years,

[41:35] because he's only 27.

[41:37] Flip filter back in.

[41:38] So Kim Basinger

[41:39] has been cast out

[41:41] by the scarlet woman

[41:42] she is.

[41:43] It looks like

[41:43] Anastasia and Christian

[41:44] are going to be able

[41:45] to settle down

[41:45] and just be

[41:46] non-SNM missionary folks.

[41:48] Fireworks go off

[41:49] because, again,

[41:50] they're super rich.

[41:51] He gives her a ring.

[41:52] He gives her a ring.

[41:53] Is there a scene

Stuart Wellington

[41:53] where Kim Basinger

[41:54] is stripped

[41:55] of all her vestments,

[41:56] like one of the Skeksis

[41:57] in the Dark Crystal?

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] I would have loved

[42:00] if they had

[42:01] some kind of sword.

[42:02] Yeah, they had to

[42:02] cut off parts

[42:03] of a block of stone

[42:04] so she could stay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:05] Yep, and then

[42:05] a bunch of Gartham

[42:06] come out,

[42:07] and I'm like,

[42:07] whoa, I'm into

[42:08] this movie now.

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] Fifty Shades

[42:11] Darker Crystal, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:15] Oh.

[42:17] Oh.

[42:18] Oh.

[42:19] It's a real cat

[42:20] on a hot 10-10 roof

[42:21] situation there.

[42:22] Oh, man.

[42:22] You really got it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] Imagine how much

[42:24] butt whipping you could do

[42:25] if you have six arms

[42:26] like one of the ancients.

[42:29] Maybe they only had four.

[42:30] I don't remember.

[42:30] Anyway,

[42:31] everything looks like

[42:33] it's going to be great,

[42:34] right?

[42:34] But we know

[42:34] there's another movie

[42:35] in the series.

[42:36] How could they have reached

[42:37] such a picture-perfect ending?

[42:39] Because far away

[42:40] on a rock mountaintop

[42:42] watching the festivities,

[42:44] who is it?

Hallie Haglund

[42:45] It's several details

[42:47] we forgot to include

[42:48] earlier on

[42:49] when we were just

[42:49] describing these.

[42:50] Like what?

[42:50] describing these.

[42:51] Like what?

[42:52] Which was

[42:52] the creepy boss

[42:54] who sexually arrested.

[42:55] We talked about that.

[42:56] I know,

[42:56] we talked about it.

[42:57] He got fired.

[42:57] But we didn't say

[42:58] that there was

[42:58] some anonymous person

[43:00] at the birthday party

[43:01] that took a picture

[43:03] of Christian Gray's

[43:06] family portrait.

[43:08] And when I saw it,

[43:09] I was like,

[43:09] oh,

[43:10] that's like

[43:10] Anastasia's boss.

[43:12] Why is he

[43:13] at that party?

[43:14] But apparently

[43:15] it was supposed to be...

Stuart Wellington

[43:16] You didn't think

[43:17] it was just like

[43:17] some guy going to a party?

[43:19] He's like,

[43:19] oh,

[43:19] there's some nice

[43:20] pictures here.

[43:20] I'll take photos

[43:21] with my phone

[43:22] like a normal person.

[43:23] He's like,

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] what's the modern artist

[43:26] who takes pictures

[43:27] of fine art pictures

[43:29] in museum settings

[43:30] or home settings

[43:31] and that answer

[43:32] comment on the

[43:32] institutional qualities

[43:33] of the art market?

[43:35] Who am I talking about?

[43:37] It was in the New Yorker.

[43:38] Let's crowdsource

[43:39] this fucking thing.

[43:39] Okay,

[43:40] anyway.

[43:40] Well,

[43:41] the point is

[43:42] he's got that picture

[43:44] because he got it

[43:44] developed super fast.

[43:45] That's crazy,

[43:46] dude.

[43:46] Oh,

[43:47] yeah.

[43:47] He took it to a

[43:48] one hour photo

[43:48] place.

[43:49] I thought he did that

[43:49] analogy.

[43:50] It really helped out

[43:51] Ben.

[43:52] Somebody listening to this

[43:53] is going to like it.

[43:54] Anyway,

[43:54] so he's standing

[43:55] like a timber wolf

[43:57] watching everything

[43:58] that's going to happen

[43:58] like a mountain lion

[43:59] and he's got this picture

[44:00] that he just took

[44:01] a little earlier

[44:01] and he looks like

[44:03] something bad's happened

[44:04] to him.

[44:04] His life's falling apart

[44:05] and he takes a cigarette

[44:06] and he burns a hole

[44:08] through Christian Grey's

[44:09] face in the photo.

Stuart Wellington

[44:10] Which you know

[44:11] Christian would be

[44:12] into,

[44:12] dude.

[44:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:14] To be fair.

[44:15] And you're left

[44:16] wondering,

[44:17] uh-oh,

[44:18] how is Christian Grey,

[44:19] a billionaire who could

[44:20] survive a helicopter crash,

[44:22] going to deal with

[44:23] an unemployed book editor?

Dan McCoy

[44:26] I guess we'll have to

[44:27] stay tuned for

[44:28] Fifty Shades Free.

[44:30] Yeah.

[44:31] All right.

[44:31] Well,

[44:31] let's move on finally

[44:32] to final judgments,

[44:33] whether this was a good

[44:34] bad movie,

[44:34] a bad bad movie,

[44:35] or a movie you kind

[44:36] of liked.

[44:36] Ali,

[44:37] what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] I'm gonna say one thing.

[44:40] I thought this was

[44:41] a bad bad movie,

[44:42] but I still thought

[44:43] it was a better movie

[44:44] than the first one.

[44:45] Yeah.

[44:45] Because a few things

[44:47] happened in it.

[44:51] Whereas the first one,

[44:52] not a lot happened in it.

[44:54] What do you think, Hal?

Hallie Haglund

[44:55] I thought it was

[44:56] a good bad movie.

[44:57] Yeah?

[44:58] I mean,

[44:58] I did think,

[44:59] like I texted you, Dan,

[45:01] after I watched it,

[45:02] I did think it was

[45:03] the greatest love story

[45:04] of our time.

[45:08] but, you know,

[45:10] a little slow.

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] I feel like there's,

[45:12] there's a good bad movie

[45:14] hidden in this one

[45:14] if they could cut

[45:15] like 35 minutes out of it.

Hallie Haglund

[45:16] I do think,

[45:17] I think Dakota Johnson

[45:19] should be given props

[45:20] because she is good in this.

[45:23] She's pretty good.

[45:24] And she has like

[45:25] nothing to work with.

[45:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:28] No, I would agree with that.

[45:29] I think it's a,

[45:30] I think it's a bad,

[45:32] bad movie,

[45:33] but it's kind of fun.

[45:34] It's more fun to watch

[45:34] than the first one,

[45:35] I agree,

[45:35] because I think it has

[45:36] a sense of humor about it,

[45:38] that stuff a little bit.

[45:39] I feel like

[45:39] they kind of know

[45:40] it's ridiculous

[45:41] and it's a bunch

[45:43] of talented people

[45:43] being like,

[45:44] all right,

[45:44] we got to make

[45:45] this fucking movie.

[45:46] So they,

[45:47] so they put like

[45:48] secret jokes in there

[45:49] and it's better

[45:51] than the first one

[45:51] because there's

[45:52] a Chronicles of Riddick

[45:53] poster in the background

[45:54] of one scene.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] That was amazing.

[45:59] I forgot,

[46:00] I remember seeing it,

[46:00] but I don't remember

[46:01] where it was.

[46:02] Do you remember?

[46:02] It was in Christian Grey's bedroom.

[46:04] It's like his,

[46:04] that's right,

[46:05] it's like his childhood bedroom.

Stuart Wellington

[46:07] It's something that I can only assume

[46:08] that when he and Anastasia

[46:10] had sex in his childhood bedroom,

[46:12] she was staring at the whole time.

[46:15] If only it was Riddick.

[46:16] So yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[46:16] I'd probably say it's,

[46:17] I'd say this is a good,

[46:18] bad movie.

[46:19] I find it kind of fascinating.

[46:21] There's something about how like,

[46:23] I know what this movie's trying to do.

[46:25] It's trying to put this couple

[46:26] as this like,

[46:27] you know they're on this collision course

[46:29] where they're going to get together.

[46:30] And there's nothing in the movie

[46:32] that indicates that they should be together.

[46:34] Like as you were saying,

[46:35] like every time he does,

[46:37] constantly he does these like,

[46:38] fucked up abusive relationship things.

[46:41] And then she immediately forgives him

[46:42] when he's like,

[46:43] I'm going to draw a square on my chest.

[46:45] Like,

[46:45] fuck off.

[46:47] But,

[46:48] the,

[46:49] I just found,

[46:49] I just found it kind of fascinating

[46:51] and weird.

[46:53] And it's,

[46:54] oh man,

[46:54] it's just so strange.

Hallie Haglund

[46:56] And also within the context of knowing

[46:58] like how successful this is,

[46:59] I'm like,

[47:00] this,

[47:00] people are really into this.

[47:02] Like,

[47:02] there's a lot of people out there

[47:04] who are really into this,

[47:05] which makes it that much more fascinating.

Stuart Wellington

[47:06] And I don't know,

[47:07] like,

[47:08] I don't know if I'm like,

[47:09] white knighting or something,

[47:10] but I think Dakota Johnson

[47:11] actually does a pretty good job

[47:13] with the movie.

Hallie Haglund

[47:14] That's why I agree.

S5

[47:19] Hey biz,

[47:20] have you seen any good movies lately?

[47:22] Hey Teresa,

[47:23] just curious,

[47:24] Georgia's BooFest count?

[47:25] It doesn't.

[47:26] Well,

[47:26] I blame my current life situation

[47:28] that has small children

[47:29] that need things.

[47:30] God,

[47:30] I love them.

[47:31] And I miss knowing about stuff.

[47:33] Well,

[47:34] after catching up

[47:34] on the current cultural offerings

[47:36] on podcasts

[47:37] that provide such information,

[47:39] join us on One Bad Mother

[47:40] as we help explore

[47:41] the harsh realities

[47:42] of sweeping self-identity changes

[47:44] as we try to find ourselves

[47:46] between our pre-

[47:47] and post-kid selves.

[47:48] I used to like all the things.

[47:50] Download One Bad Mother

[47:51] on MaximumFun.org

[47:53] or Apple Podcasts.

[47:55] And yes,

[47:55] there will be squares.

Elliott Kalan

[48:01] Max FunCon tickets

[48:02] are on sale now

[48:03] at maxfuncon.com.

[48:05] Watch stand-up comedy

[48:06] on a mountain.

[48:08] Roll out of bed

[48:08] after a dance party

[48:09] to see a live podcast taping.

[48:11] Take classes

[48:12] from amazing teachers

[48:13] with the most supportive

[48:14] group of people

[48:15] you'll ever meet.

[48:17] Make a bunch of friends

[48:18] and eat a ton of s'mores.

[48:20] Come to Max FunCon

[48:21] at Lake Arrowhead, California

[48:22] the second weekend of June

[48:24] for friendship,

[48:25] comedy,

[48:25] and creativity.

[48:27] Get your ticket now

[48:28] at maxfuncon.com.

Dan McCoy

[48:35] Hey, it's Dan here

[48:36] breaking in

[48:37] with a few messages

[48:39] from sponsors

[48:40] and jumbotrons.

[48:41] Sorry that I'm flying alone.

[48:43] I know you like hearing

[48:44] those other two jokers,

[48:46] those other two crack-em-ups,

[48:47] those other two jerks talk,

[48:50] but, you know,

[48:51] sometimes

[48:52] you gotta do it solo.

[48:55] And, uh,

[48:56] speaking of solo,

[48:58] it's not actually

[48:58] speaking of solo at all.

[49:00] I'm just looking

[49:01] for a segue

[49:01] and one did not

[49:02] present itself to me.

[49:04] Blue Apron.

[49:05] Blue Apron

[49:06] is your number one place

[49:07] to get fresh

[49:09] pre-portioned ingredients

[49:10] and step-by-step recipes

[49:12] right to your door

[49:13] that can be cooked

[49:15] in under 45 minutes.

[49:18] The menu changes

[49:19] every week

[49:19] based on what's in season

[49:20] and is designed

[49:22] by Blue Apron's

[49:23] in-house culinary team

[49:24] or culinary team.

[49:26] Either way is correct.

[49:27] You can look it up

[49:28] in the dictionary.

[49:30] Blue Apron

[49:31] sends only non-GMO ingredients

[49:33] and meat

[49:33] with no added hormones.

[49:36] Now listen,

[49:37] Blue Apron

[49:37] is treating

[49:38] the Flophouse listeners

[49:39] to their first dinner.

[49:41] A $30 value

[49:42] if you visit

[49:43] blueapron.com

[49:44] slash flophouse.

[49:46] So check out

[49:47] this week's menu

[49:48] and get your $30 off

[49:49] with free shipping

[49:50] at blueapron.com

[49:51] slash flophouse.

[49:53] Blue Apron,

[49:54] a better way

[49:55] to cook.

[49:57] You know,

[49:57] people say I

[49:58] read these things

[49:59] too slowly.

[50:01] And, uh,

[50:02] maybe they're right.

[50:04] Should I speed

[50:05] through the next one?

[50:07] Is that insulting

[50:07] to our, uh,

[50:09] fine sponsor

[50:10] who paid for

[50:11] a certain length

[50:11] of a spot?

[50:13] Who knows?

[50:14] Who knows?

[50:17] I should know.

[50:17] I'm the producer

[50:18] of this damn show.

[50:20] But that brings us

[50:21] to Squarespace.

[50:23] Squarespace!

[50:24] Things you can do

[50:24] with Squarespace?

[50:26] Well,

[50:26] you can create

[50:27] a beautiful website

[50:28] to showcase your work.

[50:30] You can sell products

[50:31] and services

[50:32] of all kinds.

[50:33] You can announce

[50:34] an upcoming event

[50:35] or special project.

[50:36] All the things

[50:37] you can do

[50:37] basically with a website

[50:38] you can do

[50:39] with Squarespace.

[50:40] And Squarespace

[50:41] does this

[50:42] by giving you

[50:42] beautiful templates

[50:43] created by world-class

[50:44] designers that are

[50:45] easy to customize

[50:46] for your site.

[50:48] Powerful e-commerce

[50:49] com...

[50:50] Yeah,

[50:50] ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.

[50:51] They don't give you that.

[50:53] And frankly,

[50:54] I'm really...

[50:56] You know,

[50:56] more websites

[50:57] should give you

[50:59] I mean,

[51:01] there's literally...

[51:02] You know,

[51:02] I can only think of one

[51:03] that gives you

[51:04] That's ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.com.

[51:06] It's spelled

[51:06] like it's sound.

[51:08] No,

[51:08] what I meant to say

[51:09] is it has

[51:09] powerful e-commerce

[51:10] functionality.

[51:12] Everything optimized

[51:13] for mobile

[51:13] right out of the box

[51:14] with built-in

[51:15] search engine

[51:16] optimization

[51:17] and analytics

[51:18] and 24-7

[51:19] award-winning

[51:20] customer support.

[51:23] So head to

[51:23] squarespace.com

[51:24] for a free trial

[51:25] and when you're

[51:25] ready to launch,

[51:26] use the offer code

[51:27] FLOP to save

[51:28] 10% off your

[51:29] first purchase

[51:29] of a website

[51:30] or domain.

[51:31] Now this is the point

[51:32] in the Squarespace ad

[51:34] where Elliot

[51:35] would probably say

[51:36] something like,

[51:37] Dan,

[51:38] can I use

[51:39] Squarespace

[51:39] to do my

[51:42] website

[51:43] poopcastles.com

[51:45] and I would...

[51:45] And he would go on

[51:46] on a long rant

[51:47] about what

[51:47] poopcastles.com

[51:49] would be,

[51:50] I'm assuming

[51:50] castles made of

[51:51] poop,

[51:52] although maybe

[51:52] it's just a castle

[51:53] where you can go

[51:53] to poop.

[51:55] And I would say,

[51:56] yes Elliot,

[51:57] you dummy,

[51:58] any website

[51:59] can be done

[52:00] with Squarespace.

[52:01] So let's just

[52:01] pretend that

[52:02] that happened here.

[52:03] We got a couple

[52:04] of Jumbotrons

[52:05] on the docket

[52:06] here.

[52:08] Silver Screen

[52:09] Redemption Podcast.

[52:10] Is making fun

[52:11] of bad movies

[52:12] not enough

[52:12] for you sometimes?

[52:14] At the Silver Screen

[52:15] Redemption Podcast,

[52:16] you can help us

[52:16] make bad movies.

[52:18] Specifically,

[52:18] we make bad sequels

[52:19] to all your favorite

[52:20] movies like

[52:21] La La Land,

[52:22] It,

[52:22] and All Dogs

[52:23] Go to Heaven.

[52:24] Look for

[52:24] the Silver Screen

[52:25] Redemption

[52:25] on iTunes

[52:26] or wherever

[52:27] you download

[52:29] podcasts.

[52:31] Wherever

[52:31] you download

[52:33] podcasts.

[52:35] We have a

[52:36] personal

[52:36] Jumbotron message

[52:37] as well.

[52:38] This goes out

[52:39] to Annie

[52:40] and Rafe

[52:41] from

[52:42] Sean and

[52:42] Sky.

[52:44] And it says,

[52:45] Happy

[52:45] Cagemas!

[52:47] Hopefully this

[52:47] comes out

[52:48] in Cagemas.

[52:49] Otherwise,

[52:49] happy belated

[52:50] Cagemas!

[52:51] Thank you for

[52:52] introducing us

[52:52] to the original

[52:53] Peaches and

[52:54] hope you guys

[52:55] have a great

[52:55] time in BC

[52:56] and may all

[52:58] your Cagemas

[52:58] wishes come

[52:59] true.

[53:00] That's nice.

[53:02] I don't know

[53:03] what Cagemas

[53:04] wishes are.

[53:05] Maybe a

[53:06] new castle?

[53:08] Not a poop

[53:08] castle,

[53:09] but so

[53:11] back to

[53:12] the show

[53:13] where we're

[53:14] taking questions.

[53:16] See you on

[53:17] the other

[53:17] side.

[53:19] All right.

[53:21] We should

[53:21] move on

[53:22] because we're

[53:23] running long

[53:23] to our

[53:24] final segment

[53:25] of the evening

[53:25] which is

[53:26] taking some

[53:26] questions from

[53:27] the audience.

[53:28] There's a

[53:28] microphone over

[53:30] to the left

[53:30] of the stage

[53:31] here.

[53:32] If you

[53:32] were at

[53:33] the early

[53:33] show and

[53:34] didn't get

[53:36] to ask a

[53:36] question,

[53:37] rush over

[53:37] as fast as

[53:38] you can.

Elliott Kalan

[53:39] If you

[53:39] weren't at

[53:41] the early

[53:41] show,

[53:41] I guess

[53:41] also rush

[53:42] over?

[53:43] I just

Dan McCoy

[53:43] feel bad

[53:43] about the

[53:44] people we

[53:44] weren't able

[53:44] to get

[53:45] to.

Elliott Kalan

[53:46] You're

[53:46] right.

[53:47] This is a

[53:47] special time.

Dan McCoy

[53:48] It's a

[53:49] special time

[53:49] that we all

[53:50] get to share

[53:50] together.

Elliott Kalan

[53:51] This is a

[53:53] time to

[53:54] remember

[53:57] when you

[53:58] get to

[53:59] ask us

[53:59] questions.

[54:01] This is

[54:01] the time

[54:02] to dismember

[54:03] if you

[54:05] caught the

[54:05] guy who

[54:06] killed your

[54:07] parents.

[54:07] This is

[54:08] the time

[54:09] to

[54:10] remember

[54:10] Was

[54:11] this the

[54:12] same

[54:12] guy or

[54:12] did you

[54:13] get the

[54:13] wrong

[54:14] guy?

[54:14] This is

[54:15] the time

[54:16] for November.

[54:18] No wait,

[54:19] it's June.

[54:20] November's

[54:21] too soon.

[54:23] This is

[54:23] the time

[54:25] for the

[54:25] questions

[54:26] and they

[54:27] will not

[54:28] ask

[54:28] forever.

[54:30] This is

[54:30] the time

[54:31] time for

[54:32] the

[54:32] questions

[54:33] and I

[54:34] will not

[54:35] stop.

[54:35] No,

[54:36] never.

[54:41] Hallie,

[54:42] take it.

Stuart Wellington

[54:43] I can't.

[54:44] It's kind

[54:45] of like how

[54:45] in Fifty Shades

[54:46] of Grey the

[54:46] music just

[54:47] kind of

[54:47] matched the

[54:48] moment.

[54:48] Yeah,

[54:49] yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:49] I apologize

[54:50] for everyone

[54:50] who's too

[54:51] turned on

[54:51] now because

[54:51] of that.

[54:53] Sir,

[54:53] you've been

[54:54] waiting patiently

[54:55] while

[54:55] you're

[54:55] saying.

[54:56] What's

[54:57] your question?

S6

[54:58] Hi,

[54:58] I'm Andy.

[54:59] I flew in

[55:00] from Singapore.

[55:01] I'm just

[55:01] here for a

[55:01] couple days.

[55:02] I gotta stop

[55:02] by.

Elliott Kalan

[55:03] Thanks for

[55:04] flying in,

[55:04] I assume,

[55:05] just for this

[55:05] show and

[55:05] you fly out

[55:06] tomorrow.

[55:06] Exactly.

S6

[55:08] I used to

[55:09] have a very

[55:09] vested interest

[55:10] in sex toys

[55:12] and I want

[55:13] to know

[55:13] what...

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] It's that

[55:15] kind of

[55:15] night,

[55:16] everybody.

S6

[55:18] What are

[55:19] the best

[55:20] sex toys

[55:21] in movies

[55:21] that you've

[55:22] seen?

Dan McCoy

[55:24] The best

[55:25] sex toys

[55:26] in movies.

[55:26] Hello?

Elliott Kalan

[55:28] Okay.

[55:28] Wait,

[55:28] I had a

[55:28] problem

[55:29] with the

[55:29] mic for a

[55:29] second,

[55:29] but now

[55:30] it's back.

[55:31] Best sex

[55:31] toys in

[55:32] movies.

[55:32] You guys

[55:33] have seen

[55:33] seven,

[55:34] right?

[55:34] Well,

[55:35] no,

[55:37] not that

[55:38] one.

[55:38] Not that

[55:39] one.

[55:40] Not that

[55:41] one.

[55:43] I don't

[55:44] know.

[55:44] Is this

Stuart Wellington

[55:44] in mainstream

[55:45] films?

Elliott Kalan

[55:46] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[55:46] I've seen

[55:47] sex toys

[55:49] in certain

[55:49] films that

[55:50] I have

[55:51] watched

[55:52] primarily

[55:52] on my

[55:53] computer,

[55:53] but I

[55:55] don't know

[55:55] about

[55:55] mainstream

[55:56] films.

[55:56] Primarily.

[55:57] Sometimes

[55:57] on a

[55:58] jumbotron.

[56:00] Sometimes

Stuart Wellington

[56:01] I want to

[56:01] share the

[56:02] experience

[56:02] with others.

[56:03] Yeah,

[56:04] you know,

[56:05] a power glove

[56:06] can be a

[56:06] sex toy

[56:07] from the

[56:08] movie The

[56:09] Wizard if

[56:11] you're using

[56:11] it right.

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] I don't

[56:13] know.

[56:14] I don't

[56:14] know.

[56:15] Someone

[56:16] showed that

[56:16] sleeper for

[56:17] what's it

[56:17] called?

[56:17] The

[56:17] orgasmatron

[56:18] or something?

[56:19] if I'd call

[56:20] that sex toy

[56:20] so much as

[56:21] a sex booth.

Stuart Wellington

[56:23] It's a little

[56:23] big and

Elliott Kalan

[56:24] expensive to

[56:25] call a toy.

Stuart Wellington

[56:26] And I

[56:27] think somebody

[56:28] also shouted

[56:28] out the

[56:29] pie from

[56:30] American Pie

[56:30] I'm assuming.

[56:32] That's mine.

[56:33] I'll say that

[56:34] one.

Elliott Kalan

[56:36] Certainly

[56:36] tastes good.

[56:37] That's as

[56:37] good an answer

[56:38] as any.

[56:38] All right.

[56:39] Thank you for

[56:40] that question.

[56:41] Stumped us.

[56:41] It's a little

Dan McCoy

[56:43] blue.

[56:44] A little

[56:44] blue.

Stuart Wellington

[56:46] Kyle,

[56:46] last name

[56:47] withheld?

[56:47] Hi,

[56:47] Kyle.

[56:48] Katarn,

[56:48] I'm assuming.

[56:49] I'm assuming

[56:50] you've already

[56:56] made that joke

[56:57] for Kyle.

[56:58] Okay.

[57:00] Go on,

[57:01] your question.

Dan McCoy

[57:01] I recently

[57:02] re-listened to

[57:02] the last

[57:03] Airbender

[57:03] episode,

[57:04] which is a

[57:04] really bad

[57:05] movie based

[57:05] on a really

[57:06] good franchise.

[57:07] So I was

[57:07] wondering if

[57:08] you've ever

[57:08] seen a bad

[57:09] movie based

[57:09] on a franchise

[57:10] that even

[57:10] though you

[57:11] didn't like

[57:11] the movie,

[57:11] you were

[57:12] still interested

[57:12] to check

[57:13] out what

[57:13] the franchise

[57:13] is about.

Elliott Kalan

[57:18] I feel

[57:18] like,

[57:19] it's not a,

[57:20] I guess it's

[57:21] kind of a

[57:21] franchise,

[57:21] but like when

[57:22] I saw Dune

[57:23] as a kid,

[57:24] I was like,

[57:25] what's happening

[57:25] in this movie,

[57:26] but I want to

[57:27] read this book

[57:28] real bad.

[57:30] And I liked

[57:31] it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[57:34] That's a good

[57:35] question.

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] I can talk

[57:41] about Dune

[57:41] some more.

[57:42] It's weird

[57:43] how much

[57:43] of the Flophouse

[57:44] has become

[57:44] a Dune

[57:45] podcast,

[57:45] but...

[57:47] I broke

[57:47] off.

[57:48] That's

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] why.

[57:51] I mean,

[57:52] there's movies

[57:53] like The

[57:54] Mask that

[57:54] I was like,

[57:55] I'm kind

[57:56] of interested

[57:57] in reading

[57:57] the source

[57:58] material.

[57:58] What's

[57:59] going on

[57:59] here?

[58:00] But I

[58:01] guess that

[58:01] was a

[58:01] good,

[58:02] great movie

[58:02] because it

[58:03] gave culture

[58:04] so many

[58:05] great lines

[58:05] like smoking

[58:06] and all

[58:07] the other

[58:07] fucking bullshit.

[58:08] Somebody stop

[58:09] me.

[58:09] Somebody stop

[58:10] me.

[58:10] Contributed

[58:10] Cameron Diaz

[58:11] to the world.

[58:12] And a dog

[58:14] with a mask

[58:15] on,

[58:15] like totally

[58:15] pees on

[58:16] dudes.

[58:17] I think

[58:18] that's,

[58:19] I think

[58:19] I have

[58:19] a theme

[58:21] tonight

[58:21] where I'm

[58:21] talking about

[58:22] pee-pee.

[58:26] Dan,

[58:27] Hallie.

Hallie Haglund

[58:28] I'm not,

[58:29] I don't even

[58:29] have an answer

[58:30] to this question

[58:31] because I don't

[58:31] even really

[58:31] understand it.

[58:33] Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] is there

[58:35] some like

[58:36] manga you

[58:37] want to read

[58:37] because you

[58:38] love the

[58:38] anime so much

[58:39] or didn't

[58:40] care for it?

[58:41] Yeah,

[58:41] let's say

[58:42] that.

[58:42] Let's move

[58:42] on.

[58:43] Okay,

[58:43] next question.

[58:48] Hey dudes,

S7

[58:51] hey Hallie.

[58:51] Hey dude.

[58:53] I'm a dude.

[58:54] Excuse me.

Hallie Haglund

[58:58] I love how

[58:59] everything I say

[59:01] is like

[59:01] automatically

[59:02] feminine.

[59:02] Weirdest

[59:03] feminist

[59:03] rallying cry.

S7

[59:06] Ladies can

[59:06] be dudes

[59:07] too.

[59:07] I'm with you.

[59:08] I am a big

[59:09] fan of the

[59:09] Flophouse,

[59:09] but I'm also

[59:10] a big fan

[59:10] of your work

[59:11] as the

[59:11] Hogs Bottom

[59:12] three.

[59:13] Oh,

[59:13] thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[59:18] Stuart

[59:18] Wellington's

[59:19] baby.

S7

[59:20] I'm hoping

[59:21] to start up

[59:22] a D&D

[59:23] podcast of

[59:23] my own

[59:24] and I'm

[59:24] wondering

[59:24] if you

[59:24] have

[59:25] advice

[59:25] for how

[59:26] to keep

[59:26] a D&D

[59:27] podcast

[59:27] entertaining

[59:28] and not

[59:28] a lot

[59:29] of math.

[59:29] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[59:31] Yeah,

[59:32] I mean,

[59:32] I think a lot

[59:32] of that

[59:32] falls on

[59:33] the Dungeon

[59:34] Master.

[59:35] Obviously,

[59:35] your players

[59:36] could spend

[59:36] the whole

[59:37] time

[59:37] jibber

[59:37] jabbering

[59:38] and hanging

[59:38] out in

[59:38] a bar

[59:39] the whole

[59:39] time.

[59:44] I would

[59:44] say for

[59:45] like a

Elliott Kalan

[59:46] wow.

[59:48] A very

[59:48] loud

[59:49] refrigeration

[59:50] unit of

[59:50] some kind

[59:50] sort of.

Stuart Wellington

[59:51] From a

[59:52] practical

[59:52] standpoint,

[59:53] I would

[59:53] say if

[59:53] you're

[59:53] going to

[59:54] be the

[59:54] Dungeon

[59:54] Master,

[59:54] just roll

[59:55] a sit

[59:57] by yourself

[59:57] and roll

[59:58] a 20

[59:58] sided die

[59:58] a bunch

[59:59] of times

[59:59] and record

[1:00:00] all the

[1:00:00] results.

[1:00:00] Then take

[1:00:01] that piece

[1:00:01] of paper

[1:00:02] and use

[1:00:02] it on

[1:00:03] air so

[1:00:03] you don't

[1:00:03] actually

[1:00:04] have to

[1:00:04] roll

[1:00:04] the dice

[1:00:04] every time.

[1:00:05] It cuts

[1:00:06] down quite

[1:00:06] a bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] Good answer.

[1:00:09] Next question.

[1:00:10] That's a genuine

[1:00:11] nuts and bolts

[1:00:12] answer.

[1:00:12] Thank you.

S7

[1:00:15] Hi, my name is

[1:00:16] Matt, last name

[1:00:17] withheld.

[1:00:17] I drove up from

[1:00:18] North Carolina.

[1:00:19] I just want to

[1:00:19] shout out.

[1:00:20] Whoa.

[1:00:21] Singapore is

[1:00:22] playing more

[1:00:22] impressive.

[1:00:23] I'm just

[1:00:24] saying this

[1:00:24] because the

[1:00:24] New York

[1:00:25] Max Fund

[1:00:26] group is

[1:00:26] amazing and

[1:00:27] we want to

[1:00:27] destroy them

[1:00:28] at some

[1:00:28] point, but

[1:00:29] it's going

[1:00:29] to be a

[1:00:29] couple of

[1:00:29] years.

[1:00:31] It's amazing.

[1:00:32] I must

[1:00:32] destroy them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:34] Is this

[1:00:34] raw all of a

[1:00:35] sudden?

[1:00:36] Where you're

[1:00:36] like, hey

[1:00:36] guys, I know

[1:00:37] you're doing

[1:00:37] something, but

[1:00:38] check out on

[1:00:39] Thursday, we're

[1:00:39] going to be

[1:00:40] having this

[1:00:40] fight.

[1:00:41] Hate me.

S7

[1:00:42] Hate me.

[1:00:43] So my

[1:00:44] question is, so

[1:00:45] the first movie

[1:00:46] is pretty much

[1:00:47] it's like

[1:00:47] Anastasia and

[1:00:48] Christian and

[1:00:49] her roommate,

[1:00:50] like a little

[1:00:50] bit in the

[1:00:50] beginning, but

[1:00:51] this movie

[1:00:51] introduced a

[1:00:52] number of

[1:00:52] characters that

[1:00:53] were kind of

[1:00:53] affecting

[1:00:55] Christian's life

[1:00:55] and Anastasia's

[1:00:56] life.

[1:00:57] Which of those

[1:00:58] characters would

[1:00:59] you like to

[1:00:59] see in either

[1:01:00] like a David

[1:01:01] Fincher or

[1:01:01] Darren Aronofsky

[1:01:02] movie that was

[1:01:03] just about their

[1:01:03] life and all

[1:01:04] the weird

[1:01:04] fucked up shit

[1:01:05] that happened

[1:01:05] to them since

[1:01:06] they met

[1:01:06] Anastasia or

[1:01:07] Christian?

[1:01:08] Because there's

[1:01:09] so much baggage

[1:01:09] there for every

[1:01:10] one of them

[1:01:10] that shows up.

Hallie Haglund

[1:01:11] I have an

[1:01:12] answer immediately.

[1:01:13] Okay.

[1:01:14] Alright, you

[1:01:15] know the scene

[1:01:16] where Anastasia's

[1:01:17] gotten the

[1:01:18] promotion and

[1:01:19] then the woman

[1:01:19] who has worked

[1:01:20] at that company

[1:01:21] for way longer

[1:01:22] comes in and

[1:01:24] she's like,

[1:01:26] yeah, and

[1:01:26] she's like,

[1:01:27] oh, how does

[1:01:27] this work?

[1:01:28] I guess I'm

[1:01:29] your assistant

[1:01:30] now.

[1:01:31] And she's like,

[1:01:31] listen, I don't

[1:01:32] know, let's just

[1:01:33] play it by ear.

[1:01:34] Don't get coffee

[1:01:35] for me unless

[1:01:36] you're getting

[1:01:36] coffee for

[1:01:37] yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] Yeah, because

[1:01:38] she's quoting

[1:01:39] her mom's movie,

[1:01:41] Working Girl.

Hallie Haglund

[1:01:42] Oh!

[1:01:42] Yeah.

[1:01:43] Well, I

[1:01:44] didn't get that.

[1:01:45] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:45] When I was

[1:01:46] watching, I was

[1:01:46] like, they just

[1:01:47] stole from

[1:01:48] Working Girl.

[1:01:49] And my wife

[1:01:50] went, because

[1:01:50] that's because

[1:01:50] it's her mom.

Hallie Haglund

[1:01:51] Oh, yes, of

[1:01:51] course.

[1:01:52] Okay, now I

[1:01:53] get it.

[1:01:53] But anyway.

[1:01:55] Further, okay,

[1:01:56] that's awesome.

[1:01:58] Thank you, guys.

[1:02:01] But beyond that,

[1:02:02] life is really

[1:02:03] fucked up for that

[1:02:04] woman who, like,

[1:02:05] should have gotten

[1:02:06] the promotion.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:07] Who's been there

[1:02:08] for way longer.

[1:02:09] Anastasia had a

[1:02:09] great couple weeks

[1:02:10] at the office.

Hallie Haglund

[1:02:13] Yeah, so I would

[1:02:14] like to see the

[1:02:14] story of her.

[1:02:15] Because she's hot.

[1:02:16] She's been there

[1:02:17] longer.

[1:02:18] She, her name is

[1:02:20] Anna, or her name

[1:02:21] is Hannah versus

[1:02:23] Anna, which they

[1:02:24] called her at the

[1:02:25] office.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] No, yeah, this is,

[1:02:27] I'll watch this movie.

[1:02:29] All good stuff.

[1:02:29] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:31] Yeah, stop getting

[1:02:32] mad, Hallie.

[1:02:34] I would like to see,

[1:02:36] I'd like to see a

[1:02:37] movie about

[1:02:37] Christian's, is she

[1:02:39] a maid, or

[1:02:40] an assistant?

[1:02:41] I think she's his

[1:02:41] assistant, but I

[1:02:42] don't know.

[1:02:42] I mean, the stuff

[1:02:43] she's seen.

[1:02:44] Yeah.

[1:02:45] When she cleans

[1:02:46] out that shower that

[1:02:47] I'm assuming squirts

[1:02:48] out lube instead of

[1:02:49] water.

S7

[1:02:53] It's like the girl

[1:02:54] with this not quite

[1:02:55] dragon tattoo, but

[1:02:56] pretty cool tattoo,

[1:02:57] but you never get

[1:02:57] to see it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:58] Yeah, I think that's

[1:03:00] right.

[1:03:00] I don't quite know

[1:03:02] what you mean, but

[1:03:03] let's go.

[1:03:03] I think that's a

[1:03:04] good answer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:05] We should move on

[1:03:05] to the next question.

[1:03:07] Good answers.

[1:03:08] Good questions.

[1:03:09] That's the Flophouse

[1:03:10] way.

[1:03:10] Yes?

S7

[1:03:11] Hi, guys.

[1:03:12] So my question is,

[1:03:14] in the spirit of

[1:03:15] this franchise, what

[1:03:15] is your favorite

[1:03:16] most awkward or

[1:03:17] unconvincing sex

[1:03:18] scene in all of

[1:03:19] movies?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:20] Oh, there's so

[1:03:21] many.

[1:03:23] Well, you have

[1:03:24] one, Stuart, from

[1:03:24] your least favorite

[1:03:25] movie of all time,

[1:03:26] right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:26] I mean, there is

[1:03:27] a scene in the

[1:03:29] worst movie of all

[1:03:31] time where the,

[1:03:35] give me one second,

[1:03:36] it has Josh Hartnett

[1:03:37] in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:37] Name it.

[1:03:38] Do you remember

[1:03:39] the name?

[1:03:40] It's flopped right

Dan McCoy

[1:03:41] out of my head.

[1:03:42] It's got a number

[1:03:42] of days.

[1:03:43] And a number of

[1:03:44] nights.

[1:03:45] 40 days and 40

[1:03:46] nights, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:48] I did it.

[1:03:50] You're welcome.

[1:03:50] We got there

[1:03:51] together as a team.

[1:03:53] So in this movie,

[1:03:55] there's a scene

[1:03:55] where Josh Hartnett

[1:03:56] abstaining from

[1:03:58] sex for Lent,

[1:03:59] like you do.

[1:04:02] Premarital sex.

[1:04:03] If he got married

[1:04:03] during the course

[1:04:04] of the movie, I

[1:04:05] guess he could have

[1:04:05] sex.

[1:04:05] That's fine.

[1:04:07] But he brings

[1:04:09] Shannon Sossaman

[1:04:10] to climax by blowing

[1:04:11] flower petals across

[1:04:13] her tummy.

[1:04:15] Which, dude,

[1:04:16] that counts as sex.

[1:04:19] Like a rose by any

[1:04:21] other name.

[1:04:24] Literally, because

[1:04:25] roses have petals.

[1:04:26] Did I vamp long

[1:04:27] enough?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:28] Yeah, yeah, no,

[1:04:28] that was good.

[1:04:28] Okay, cool.

[1:04:29] I just want to shout

[1:04:30] out to all of the

[1:04:31] Cinemax and Showtime

[1:04:33] movies where people

[1:04:35] are supposedly having

[1:04:37] sex and they do it

[1:04:38] in such a way where

[1:04:39] they contort.

[1:04:40] Their hand is always

[1:04:41] in front.

[1:04:41] Their hand is always

[1:04:42] over the penetration

[1:04:43] area and they appear

[1:04:45] to be having sex with

[1:04:46] the woman's navel.

[1:04:49] That's what I was

[1:04:51] going to say.

[1:04:52] That's led to some

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:52] awkward moments for

[1:04:53] you, I'd imagine.

[1:04:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:55] I'm like, no, I

[1:04:57] think you do it like

[1:04:58] this.

[1:04:58] This doesn't seem to

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:59] be going anywhere,

[1:05:00] guys.

[1:05:00] TV told me.

[1:05:02] I'm supposed to put

[1:05:03] my hand here.

[1:05:04] I don't know why.

[1:05:08] Hallie, do you have

[1:05:09] one or should we

[1:05:09] move on?

[1:05:11] Okay, good question.

[1:05:12] Thanks for coming.

[1:05:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:16] Hi, Brian,

[1:05:17] last name withheld.

Hallie Haglund

[1:05:19] Why is everyone

[1:05:21] so embarrassed about

[1:05:23] being a fan of your

[1:05:24] show?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:26] Well, it's a weird

[1:05:27] show, Hallie.

[1:05:27] Were you listening?

[1:05:29] Were you listening

[1:05:30] to our show?

[1:05:32] No one wants their

[1:05:33] name on record as a

[1:05:35] fan.

[1:05:36] Everyone in line is

[1:05:36] like, think of a fake

[1:05:37] name, think of a fake

[1:05:38] name, think of a

[1:05:39] fake name.

[1:05:39] Can't use Doug Ray.

[1:05:41] Doug Ray.

[1:05:43] I'm Skeet.

[1:05:43] I'm Skeet Ulrich,

[1:05:44] if anyone asks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:46] Oh, the other guy

[1:05:47] took Skeet.

[1:05:47] I can't say that.

[1:05:48] Hello, guys.

[1:05:49] I'll be street.

[1:05:51] Boy, that's not even

[1:05:52] a name.

S7

[1:05:54] What other movies have

[1:05:55] examples of really

[1:05:56] shitty sex music that

[1:05:57] stand out to you?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:59] Obviously, it's

[1:06:00] Watchmen, dude.

[1:06:05] That's the most

[1:06:05] obvious one.

[1:06:06] Hallelujah.

[1:06:07] Fuck off.

[1:06:11] So I already went, dude.

[1:06:13] Yeah, I'm not going to

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:14] be able to think of

[1:06:14] that.

[1:06:14] I mean, then I'd have to

[1:06:15] go to the Skinamax

[1:06:16] well again.

[1:06:16] Yeah, no, that's what I

[1:06:18] was thinking again.

[1:06:18] Although, if there's a

[1:06:20] soundtrack album of the

[1:06:22] songs they play on those,

[1:06:23] I want to find out so I

[1:06:24] can buy it for Dan for

[1:06:25] his birthday.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:26] I would hate it.

[1:06:28] Like, somebody could

[1:06:28] play that and I would

[1:06:30] see Dan start getting

[1:06:30] flustered.

[1:06:31] I don't...

[1:06:32] He's like loosening

[1:06:33] his collar.

[1:06:34] I've already revealed

Dan McCoy

[1:06:35] too much about myself,

[1:06:36] but there is a song...

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:39] Oh, guys.

[1:06:41] Here it comes.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:43] Just be ready for this.

[1:06:44] Somebody close that

[1:06:44] door.

[1:06:45] No, they're like...

[1:06:46] In these Skinamax

[1:06:47] movies, there's a song

[1:06:48] that is used over and

[1:06:50] over and over again.

[1:06:52] It's clearly like

[1:06:53] some company bought it

[1:06:54] for their library.

[1:06:56] And these are

[1:06:56] different movies, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:58] Not the same movie.

[1:06:59] These are different

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] movies.

[1:06:59] And the TV shows, right?

[1:07:01] They're all essentially

[1:07:02] the same production

[1:07:03] companies in the same

[1:07:04] bed.

[1:07:04] They have this song

[1:07:04] that goes,

Dan McCoy

[1:07:06] I want your love.

[1:07:07] I've got to have it.

[1:07:09] I need your love.

[1:07:12] I've got to have it.

Hallie Haglund

[1:07:14] I've done karaoke

[1:07:16] with Dan, like, a lot

[1:07:18] and he always does

[1:07:19] that song.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:26] Good question.

[1:07:27] Good question.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:29] Hi, I'm Erica.

[1:07:30] Hi, Erica.

S8

[1:07:32] So, Elliot, you said

[1:07:33] earlier that this movie

[1:07:35] would make a lot more

[1:07:35] sense if Christian Grey

[1:07:37] was a vampire.

[1:07:39] Yes.

[1:07:39] My understanding is that

[1:07:41] it actually started out

[1:07:42] as some kind of

[1:07:43] Twilight fan fiction.

[1:07:44] Exactly.

[1:07:44] It was Twilight fan fiction

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:46] and once you think

[1:07:47] about that while you're

[1:07:48] watching it, you're like,

[1:07:48] oh, I get it.

[1:07:52] He's a womp here.

[1:07:53] Right?

S8

[1:07:54] Yeah, so I wanted to know

[1:07:56] if there was any other

[1:07:57] exciting fan fiction,

[1:07:59] erotic or otherwise,

[1:08:00] that you would really

[1:08:01] like to see turned

[1:08:02] into a series of movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:04] I mean, some would say

[1:08:06] that many of the comic

[1:08:08] books produced today

[1:08:09] are just fan fiction

[1:08:10] with official

[1:08:10] infrastructure on it,

[1:08:11] but I wouldn't say that.

[1:08:12] I wouldn't say that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:17] Oh, lordy, that

[1:08:18] Xander Cage fan fiction.

[1:08:22] Does that, is there

[1:08:24] something that more than,

[1:08:25] that's more than

[1:08:25] meets the eye about

[1:08:26] this young lady

[1:08:27] hanging out with

[1:08:28] Xander Cage, Elliot?

[1:08:29] We'll have to read

[1:08:30] the story.

[1:08:30] You'll have to read

[1:08:30] the story to find out.

[1:08:32] And then produce my

[1:08:32] screenplay adapted

[1:08:33] from that short story.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:36] I don't, like, I don't,

[1:08:37] I guess I don't know

[1:08:37] fan fiction well enough.

[1:08:39] Hallie, you write a lot

[1:08:40] of it, right?

[1:08:41] But it's mostly about

[1:08:42] people you know?

Hallie Haglund

[1:08:43] Yeah.

[1:08:44] It's about you

[1:08:45] and Care Bears.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:47] You have people

[1:08:48] she knows.

Hallie Haglund

[1:08:49] She thinks I know.

[1:08:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:08:54] I don't have any...

Dan McCoy

[1:08:55] But it's really romantic,

[1:08:56] right?

[1:08:56] It's not really the sex

[1:08:58] that you're interested in.

Hallie Haglund

[1:08:58] No, it's not romantic.

[1:09:00] It's dirty.

[1:09:01] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:03] It's a new meaning

[1:09:04] to the word care.

[1:09:06] Man, but I don't know.

[1:09:07] That's a good question.

[1:09:07] We're going to have

[1:09:08] to do some research

[1:09:09] and get back to you

[1:09:09] on that one.

[1:09:11] Next question.

S5

[1:09:11] Okay, this question

[1:09:12] is for Dan.

[1:09:13] Is Jackie Chan

[1:09:14] in this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] It's a good question, dude.

[1:09:20] Can you answer this?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:23] So, okay.

[1:09:25] He was in

[1:09:26] Mr. Nice Guy.

[1:09:28] He was in

[1:09:29] Rumble in the Bronx.

[1:09:31] He was in

[1:09:32] Police Story.

[1:09:35] I think Jackie Chan

[1:09:37] was not in this movie.

[1:09:41] Okay.

[1:09:42] Yes.

[1:09:46] Good job, dude.

S8

[1:09:47] Mine's not going to be

[1:09:48] as funny as that.

[1:09:49] Will,

[1:09:50] last name withheld,

[1:09:51] hyphen last wave,

[1:09:53] A hyphenated

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:55] There's a story

[1:09:56] behind that.

[1:09:56] Without?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:58] Yes.

[1:09:58] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:59] For different amounts

[1:09:59] of time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:01] So you guys have talked

[1:10:02] on the show

S7

[1:10:03] about actors

[1:10:04] who are good

[1:10:05] to great actors

[1:10:06] like Idris Elba

[1:10:07] who either out of

[1:10:08] shady decisions

[1:10:09] or financial necessity

[1:10:10] always end up

[1:10:11] in bad movies.

[1:10:13] Who are bad actors

[1:10:14] you think

[1:10:15] constantly end up

[1:10:16] in good movies?

[1:10:17] Otherwise good movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:18] Ooh,

[1:10:19] time to burn

[1:10:20] some bridges.

[1:10:24] I mean,

[1:10:24] there's a certain actor

[1:10:26] who I'm not a fan of

[1:10:27] who has been

[1:10:29] on the skids

[1:10:29] a little bit

[1:10:30] but for a while

[1:10:30] he was in everything.

[1:10:32] I don't want to give away

[1:10:32] who he is

[1:10:33] but his name rhymes

[1:10:34] with La Ruff.

[1:10:36] His name rhymes

[1:10:37] with Niall La Ruff.

[1:10:39] And for a while

[1:10:40] he was in every single movie

[1:10:41] and I was like,

[1:10:42] he's fine.

[1:10:44] Why is he in every movie?

[1:10:45] And I remember

[1:10:45] talking to a co-worker

[1:10:46] of mine

[1:10:46] who was a girl

[1:10:47] or a lady

[1:10:48] and she was like,

[1:10:49] oh,

[1:10:49] you don't get it.

[1:10:51] And I do not.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:56] You know,

[1:10:56] I think,

[1:10:57] I can't think of,

[1:10:59] I think of more like

[1:10:59] actors that keep

[1:11:01] getting miscast.

[1:11:02] Like there was a period

[1:11:02] of time where

[1:11:03] Colin Farrell

[1:11:04] who I think is very good

[1:11:05] in certain things,

[1:11:06] they kept putting him

[1:11:07] as like the badass lead

[1:11:09] in an action movie

[1:11:10] and I'm like,

[1:11:11] I don't want to see that, dude.

[1:11:14] But he has a pretty good range

[1:11:15] and he's a good actor,

[1:11:16] just not in that, man.

Hallie Haglund

[1:11:19] But I thought he was good

[1:11:21] in the,

[1:11:23] you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:25] He was great in, you know.

[1:11:27] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[1:11:28] You know,

[1:11:28] the season two of

[1:11:29] True Detective, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:31] What are you talking about?

[1:11:39] I mean.

Hallie Haglund

[1:11:40] That was his thing

[1:11:42] that he was really good at

[1:11:43] for me.

[1:11:43] Really?

[1:11:44] Yeah.

[1:11:45] That was like the one thing

[1:11:46] he was good at.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:46] Not like in Bruges or.

[1:11:48] No.

[1:11:50] The lobster he's great in.

[1:11:52] Fuck the lobster, dude.

[1:11:54] Fuck the lobster.

Hallie Haglund

[1:11:56] Fuck the lobster.

[1:11:58] Do you?

[1:11:58] Yeah.

[1:11:58] I don't like the lobster.

[1:11:59] I don't like the lobster.

[1:12:01] Oh my God.

[1:12:01] We got to talk about this.

[1:12:02] Everybody's like,

[1:12:02] oh my God,

[1:12:03] this is so interesting.

[1:12:04] It's like,

[1:12:04] oh my God,

[1:12:04] it's about online dating.

[1:12:06] It's like a cultural

[1:12:07] like commentary on,

[1:12:09] yeah.

[1:12:10] That's what it's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:11] I didn't take that from it.

[1:12:12] We're going to have to have

[1:12:13] a long lobster conversation

[1:12:15] later over lobster.

[1:12:17] I'm a vegetarian.

[1:12:20] Oh.

[1:12:20] Well,

[1:12:21] I'll stuff your lobster

[1:12:22] shell full of broccoli.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:23] Dan,

[1:12:23] do you want to talk shit

[1:12:24] about any actors?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:27] I don't know.

[1:12:28] All the people I can think of

[1:12:29] are just like.

[1:12:30] Dan's like,

[1:12:30] I like all the actors.

[1:12:32] No,

[1:12:32] it's just like,

[1:12:33] it's not worth it.

[1:12:34] I don't know.

[1:12:35] There's people like Henry Cavill

[1:12:36] who has shown up in bad movies

[1:12:38] but then is like,

[1:12:39] now he's Superman.

[1:12:40] And it's just like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:41] all right,

[1:12:42] you're Superman.

[1:12:42] I guess you're Superman.

[1:12:45] There's a trend in Hollywood.

[1:12:47] That's Dan being excited.

[1:12:48] Yeah.

[1:12:50] There's a trend in Hollywood

[1:12:51] for what I would call

[1:12:52] uninteresting faces.

[1:12:54] Just kind of like

[1:12:55] the same handsome face

[1:12:56] and I kind of miss

[1:12:57] more interesting faces.

[1:12:59] In the silent era,

[1:13:00] it was all about faces.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:02] Let me take you back

[1:13:03] to a magical time.

[1:13:04] No,

[1:13:04] no,

[1:13:05] no.

[1:13:05] We're going way over time.

[1:13:08] But I feel like

[1:13:08] we should get through

[1:13:09] these three last questions.

[1:13:12] Hi.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:13] I'm Minimus Maximus.

[1:13:14] Hey.

[1:13:15] And I will not withhold anything.

[1:13:17] I'm actually in BDSM.

[1:13:19] Cool.

[1:13:22] Off the Cuffs podcast,

[1:13:23] if I can give a plug.

[1:13:25] Okay,

[1:13:26] we'll charge you later.

[1:13:29] People that are actually

[1:13:31] that I know in BDSM

[1:13:32] hate these movies

[1:13:32] because they're

[1:13:33] so misrepresentative.

[1:13:35] So I was wondering

[1:13:36] if there are any movies

[1:13:36] that you guys

[1:13:37] hate

[1:13:38] because they're

[1:13:39] misrepresentative

[1:13:40] of things you enjoy

[1:13:41] or things you do

[1:13:42] or things like that.

[1:13:44] Hmm.

[1:13:46] I mean.

[1:13:47] Well,

[1:13:47] you guys always talk

[1:13:48] about Studio 60

[1:13:49] on the Sunset Strip

[1:13:50] as being the most

[1:13:51] accurate show

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:52] about TV comedy.

[1:13:52] But I've gone from

[1:13:53] hating it to loving it.

[1:13:54] When it was a television

[1:13:55] show on the air,

[1:13:56] I was like,

[1:13:56] oh,

[1:13:56] I hate it.

[1:13:57] But now that it's dead,

[1:13:58] I'm like,

[1:13:58] oh,

[1:13:59] I love it now

[1:13:59] because it's harmless

[1:14:00] to me.

[1:14:01] The same way that like

[1:14:02] if there's a serial killer

[1:14:04] who's around now,

[1:14:05] this is terrifying.

[1:14:06] But there's something

[1:14:06] about old-timey

[1:14:07] serial killers

[1:14:08] or criminals

[1:14:08] where you're like,

[1:14:08] eh,

[1:14:09] well,

[1:14:09] that's interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:10] What a scamp.

[1:14:11] Can't hurt me now.

[1:14:12] Yeah,

[1:14:12] what a rascal.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:14] Now,

[1:14:14] Elliot,

[1:14:15] are you telling me

[1:14:15] that in all your time

[1:14:16] as head writer

[1:14:17] of The Daily Show

[1:14:18] with Jon Stewart

[1:14:19] and head writer

[1:14:19] of Mystery Science Theater

[1:14:20] 3000,

[1:14:21] The Return,

[1:14:22] The Return?

[1:14:25] There was no time

[1:14:26] where there was not

[1:14:28] a gaggle of people

[1:14:29] outside your office

[1:14:30] waiting for you

[1:14:31] to come out

[1:14:31] so you could give him

[1:14:32] your signature?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:33] Nope.

[1:14:34] That never happened.

[1:14:36] I mean,

[1:14:36] if it was a really

[1:14:38] accurate show,

[1:14:39] then the character

[1:14:39] would be all stressed

[1:14:40] out all week,

[1:14:41] rushing to make

[1:14:42] something done,

[1:14:43] and then he'd go

[1:14:43] to some kind of function

[1:14:44] that his parents'

[1:14:45] friends are at,

[1:14:46] and then he'd tell them

[1:14:47] what he's working on,

[1:14:48] and they'd be like,

[1:14:49] eh,

[1:14:49] I don't know what that is,

[1:14:51] and it doesn't sound

[1:14:51] interesting to me.

[1:14:55] Like,

[1:14:55] why don't you work

[1:14:56] on, like,

[1:14:57] CSI?

[1:14:59] That would be

[1:14:59] the experience.

[1:15:00] Yeah, yeah.

[1:15:01] But no,

[1:15:02] we don't live

[1:15:03] in the magical universe

[1:15:04] they created

[1:15:04] where sketch comedy

[1:15:05] is the highest

[1:15:06] and most popular

[1:15:07] form of entertainment,

[1:15:08] the head writer

[1:15:09] is the biggest star,

[1:15:10] and conservative

[1:15:11] Christians hate it.

[1:15:14] What are you gonna do?

[1:15:15] It's a beautiful

[1:15:15] world we'll never

[1:15:16] live in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:17] You know,

[1:15:18] for a little,

[1:15:19] I don't dislike it

[1:15:20] because it's totally

[1:15:21] inaccurate,

[1:15:21] but there's that

[1:15:23] Ryan Reynolds comedy

[1:15:24] waiting about people

[1:15:26] who work in a

[1:15:26] restaurant together,

[1:15:27] and I mainly

[1:15:29] don't like it

[1:15:29] because there was

[1:15:30] a period of time

[1:15:31] where everybody

[1:15:32] I talked to

[1:15:33] when I was,

[1:15:33] I think it was

[1:15:34] when I was working

[1:15:35] at Bob Evans

[1:15:35] or shortly after,

[1:15:36] people were like,

[1:15:37] oh, you gotta watch

[1:15:38] this movie,

[1:15:38] you're really gonna

[1:15:39] love it.

[1:15:41] And when I was

[1:15:41] working for Games Workshop,

[1:15:43] like, multiple dudes

[1:15:44] got fired for

[1:15:45] doing pranks

[1:15:46] based on that movie.

[1:15:47] Like, what's wrong

[1:15:49] with you, dude?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:50] I thought you were

[1:15:51] gonna say that

[1:15:51] Tom Hanks movie

[1:15:52] where Dungeons and

[1:15:53] Dragons drives him

[1:15:54] crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:55] Mazes and Monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:56] Mazes and Monsters.

[1:15:58] Yeah, that shit's real,

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:59] that shit's real fake.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:03] Yeah.

[1:16:04] Doesn't ever happen.

[1:16:06] Next question, please.

[1:16:08] Thank you for that one.

[1:16:11] Hello.

[1:16:12] Hey.

[1:16:12] My name is James Lundeen.

[1:16:14] Hey.

[1:16:14] Big fan of the show.

[1:16:15] Oh, thanks.

[1:16:15] Thank you,

[1:16:16] thanks for coming.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:16] My question is,

[1:16:17] what is your favorite

[1:16:19] PG-13 or lower movie

[1:16:21] that is appropriately

[1:16:22] or inappropriately

[1:16:23] extremely pornographic?

[1:16:27] All right.

[1:16:31] Pretty Woman.

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:33] Pretty Woman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:34] Pretty Woman is not

[1:16:35] an R movie?

[1:16:36] That's a PG-13 movie?

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:38] Oh, no.

[1:16:39] Then why did my parents

[1:16:41] let me watch it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:44] Because they were like,

[1:16:45] Hallie, we want to show you

[1:16:46] what love is like.

Hallie Haglund

[1:16:49] And they did.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:51] There are two movies

[1:16:53] that involve

[1:16:54] Tanya Roberts bathing

[1:16:55] naked in rivers

[1:16:57] or pools

[1:16:58] that are PG-rated.

[1:17:00] There's two?

[1:17:01] Yeah.

[1:17:03] Beastmaster and Sheena.

[1:17:04] Oh, I forgot about

[1:17:05] Beastmaster.

[1:17:08] And both of them

[1:17:09] would play all the time

[1:17:10] on HBO.

[1:17:11] And if you were lucky,

[1:17:12] you would catch

[1:17:13] the exact right moment

[1:17:14] on them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:17] I mean,

[1:17:17] just one of the guys

[1:17:18] is PG-13, right?

[1:17:20] It is?

[1:17:20] Yeah.

[1:17:21] I don't know.

[1:17:23] I don't remember.

[1:17:23] It's certainly not R.

[1:17:24] My parents also

Hallie Haglund

[1:17:25] showed that to me,

[1:17:26] but I'm unmoored

[1:17:29] right now.

[1:17:30] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:31] Maybe it's rated G?

[1:17:33] You've gone mad

[1:17:34] like a character

[1:17:34] at the end

[1:17:36] of an Edgar Allan Poe story.

Hallie Haglund

[1:17:37] I don't know.

[1:17:38] Our whole relationship

[1:17:39] is a lie at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:41] So for like a PG-13

[1:17:43] like kind of sexual movie,

[1:17:45] I think I'd have to pick

[1:17:46] the Sam Raimi movie

[1:17:48] Drag Me to Hell.

[1:17:50] Because there's all that

[1:17:51] barfing and gross stuff.

[1:17:52] Wait, that's sexual?

[1:17:54] Yeah, dude.

[1:17:54] I'm kind of into that stuff.

[1:17:56] There's like a demon

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:57] and a gypsy lady.

[1:17:59] Nothing more sexual

[1:18:00] than you're about to eat

[1:18:01] a piece of cake

[1:18:01] and there's an eye

[1:18:02] looking at you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:03] It's so oopy and gloopy.

[1:18:05] They should have called

[1:18:06] that movie

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:07] oopy and gloopy.

[1:18:08] Oopy.

[1:18:09] Or that's the tagline.

[1:18:10] Drag Me to Hell.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:11] Oopy and gloopy.

[1:18:12] Now, warning,

[1:18:13] a cat does die

[1:18:14] in that movie.

[1:18:16] Oh, I know.

[1:18:18] But it's like

[1:18:18] a bad cat, right?

[1:18:20] Yeah.

[1:18:21] Yeah, he has an eye patch

[1:18:22] and wears a bandana.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:24] It's not Top Cat.

[1:18:25] You know,

[1:18:25] it's not like it's

[1:18:26] it's not Cat

[1:18:27] from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

[1:18:28] You know,

[1:18:29] it's not Heathcliff.

[1:18:30] Garfield's a bad cat.

[1:18:31] So it could be Garfield.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:34] Everyone's getting restless.

[1:18:35] Let's get to the last question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:36] Okay, one last question.

[1:18:37] We got one last question.

[1:18:38] Then we can send you all home

[1:18:39] to, I assume,

[1:18:40] do it like you heard

[1:18:41] about in the movie.

Hallie Haglund

[1:18:45] Emily,

[1:18:47] I would like to know

[1:18:48] what the Flophouse cat

[1:18:49] thought of this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:51] Oh.

[1:18:53] I'll have to

[1:18:54] send him a text.

[1:18:58] Wow.

[1:18:59] Stuart's doing that.

[1:19:00] He's,

[1:19:00] he's been drinking too,

[1:19:02] he didn't watch the movie

[1:19:03] at all.

[1:19:06] Okay, well,

[1:19:06] I'll have to show it

[1:19:08] to him later.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:09] What do you,

[1:19:09] what do you think

[1:19:10] he's going to say?

[1:19:10] What would you guess?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:11] You know,

[1:19:11] I think he's going to say,

[1:19:13] rah, rah.

[1:19:19] And I'm like,

[1:19:19] get out of here.

[1:19:20] It wasn't that good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:22] Wait,

[1:19:23] so when,

[1:19:23] he's like Chewbacca.

[1:19:24] When he says that,

[1:19:25] you understand it

[1:19:25] as sentences?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:26] I think Chewbacca's

[1:19:28] like him.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:35] Guys,

[1:19:36] it's been a lot of fun

[1:19:37] tonight.

[1:19:38] We appreciate everyone

[1:19:39] coming out.

[1:19:41] Elliot.

[1:19:41] Thank you for being here.

[1:19:44] Elliot,

[1:19:44] this is going to be

[1:19:44] your last live show

[1:19:46] as a,

[1:19:46] a full-time

[1:19:48] resident of New York.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:50] Yeah,

[1:19:50] last one of these

[1:19:51] recordings.

[1:19:52] Yeah.

[1:19:53] I'm going to.

[1:19:55] Hey,

[1:19:56] you know what,

[1:19:56] guys?

[1:19:57] You're right.

[1:19:57] I won't move.

[1:20:00] You won me over.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:04] Dan,

[1:20:05] I'm still going to move.

[1:20:06] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:07] I know.

[1:20:08] It's a bittersweet thing.

[1:20:09] You know,

[1:20:10] it's a bittersweet symphony.

[1:20:11] That's life.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:13] I think,

[1:20:14] I think you owe

[1:20:15] the Rolling Stones

[1:20:15] money now.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:17] But,

[1:20:18] thank you guys

[1:20:19] so much for coming out.

[1:20:20] It's been a blast.

[1:20:21] You guys have been so great.

[1:20:22] Thank everyone who came

[1:20:24] for the first show,

[1:20:24] too.

[1:20:26] Thanks to Hallie.

[1:20:27] Thanks to Hallie

[1:20:28] for being.

[1:20:28] The star of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:32] And,

[1:20:32] uh.

[1:20:33] Thanks to our booth crew.

[1:20:35] Thanks to everybody

[1:20:36] here at the Bell House.

[1:20:37] Thanks to the bartenders.

[1:20:39] Thanks to the security people.

[1:20:40] Thanks to the chandeliers.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:42] No.

[1:20:43] No,

[1:20:44] we're not good night

[1:20:44] mooning this.

[1:20:46] For the Flophouse,

[1:20:47] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:48] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:52] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[1:20:54] Somewhat sad.

Hallie Haglund

[1:20:55] I've been Hallie Haglund.

[1:21:01] Thank you,

[1:21:02] everybody.

[1:21:18] Some of the more eagle-eyed people

Dan McCoy

[1:21:30] in the audience

[1:21:31] who can count

[1:21:32] have noticed

[1:21:34] that there are four chairs

[1:21:35] out here.

[1:21:36] Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:37] Dan,

[1:21:37] are you implying

[1:21:38] that there are people

[1:21:39] in the audience

[1:21:40] who can't count?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:43] I'm implying

[1:21:43] that there's some

[1:21:44] non-eagle-eyed people

[1:21:45] out there.

[1:21:45] People who have not

[1:21:46] stolen an eye

[1:21:47] from an eagle

[1:21:48] and put it right

[1:21:48] in their own eye.

[1:21:51] No,

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:51] you got me.

[1:21:52] I shouldn't have

[1:21:53] critiqued you.

[1:21:54] Does that work?

[1:21:56] Because my eyes

[1:21:57] are terrible.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:00] It works,

[1:22:01] but I mean,

[1:22:01] if you want to

[1:22:02] desecrate the symbol

[1:22:03] of our great nation,

[1:22:04] Elliot,

[1:22:04] just to improve

[1:22:05] your own vision,

[1:22:06] then fine.

[1:22:06] Very much so,

[1:22:07] yes.

[1:22:07] MaximumFun.org

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:12] Comedy and culture.

[1:22:13] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:14] Listener supported.

Ep.#246 - 50 Shades Darker LIVE

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