Ep.#246 - 50 Shades Darker LIVE

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Fifty Shades Darker, live in Brooklyn, New York!

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] I'm Stuart... Oh, wow. Where did all these people come from?

[0:42] Hey! Classic live podcast joke. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:47] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:51] And I'm Hallie Haglund.

[0:56] Well, now I know what it was like to be the guy in the Maxell commercials.

[1:02] Blown back by that warm sound.

[1:06] That reference is old.

[1:10] I can do older.

[1:14] That's right. The star of the show, Hallie Haglund, has joined us, right?

[1:21] For those listening at home, Hallie is doing a sassy head motion.

[1:27] As befitting her status as star of the show.

[1:31] Let's talk about this movie!

[1:34] She wants to jump right in.

[1:36] What do we do on this podcast?

[1:38] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:41] And tonight, we watched Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey.

[1:47] And the prequel to whatever the third one is called.

[1:50] No, I watched it! It's Fifty Shades Freed.

[1:55] I didn't watch it, but they show it at the end. They show the preview for it.

[1:59] You guys obviously didn't watch the credits.

[2:02] You're right. I forgot to look for the bloops.

[2:05] You know, there's a lot of wait for Sam Jackson to come in and recruit me for the Fifty Shades initiative.

[2:12] You know, there's a thing where sometimes when I'm all finished with something,

[2:16] I just kind of fall asleep and forget about the rest.

[2:23] That's my last sex joke for the rest of the night.

[2:26] Wow. You picked the wrong movie.

[2:29] If anyone's listening to this now, and their parents are in the room,

[2:34] or grandparents, or a child, or a dog,

[2:39] you think the NSA is listening.

[2:41] Save it for another time, because we're probably going to get pretty ribald.

[2:46] This is Flophouse After Dark.

[2:49] Oh, no.

[2:52] So, this is a sex movie, Elliot, right?

[2:55] This is one of those movies that you would see late at night, clutching your...

[3:02] What? When are you going to finish that sentence?

[3:05] It's one of those sentences that I started without actually knowing where I was going with it.

[3:09] What am I clutching, Dan? My purse? My jewels?

[3:13] Purse is the only answer to that one.

[3:16] Worried that a cat burglar might come in and steal my necklace?

[3:19] Here's the situation.

[3:22] The volume is down real low when you're hoping your parents are asleep.

[3:27] Maybe you're even surreptitiously recording it for more watching later.

[3:32] Or, honestly, you're not watching it. I don't know.

[3:36] You're watching a better sex movie, because here's the thing about this,

[3:39] not to give any spoilers away.

[3:41] This is one of those sex movies that doesn't really seem to like sex very much,

[3:45] and considers sex not to be that good or healthy for people,

[3:50] unless you do it in the very specific way that God and the government tell you you should do it.

[3:55] We all got the manual in seventh grade,

[3:58] when the girls all went to one gym and learned about, I don't know,

[4:02] matching gloves to bags.

[4:06] And the boys saw the video where guys check their testicles for cancer.

[4:10] Wait, you had a video?

[4:12] Because I remember at my clients they gave us this little fake pair of testicles to play with.

[4:15] They did that, too. We got that, too.

[4:17] Which was crazy. What? What?

[4:19] Wait, that happened?

[4:21] They gave us a little fake rubber pair of testicles so we'd know what it feels like,

[4:25] and it was like, the skin is so rubbery, though.

[4:28] This must be what Worf's skin feels like when he's checking in the shower for testicular cancer.

[4:34] But they showed us a video where it was very graphic.

[4:37] If there's anything that I know what it feels like, it's my own testicles.

[4:41] Then maybe you don't know what it is, and you're like, maybe that's a third testicle growing.

[4:46] I don't know.

[4:48] But they showed us a video that was just guys getting out of the shower

[4:52] and then checking themselves on camera.

[4:54] How old were they? How old were the guys?

[4:56] They were like 19, you know, shaved.

[4:59] And I remember all the guys in the class were like,

[5:04] how do you think they got that guys to do that?

[5:06] You think they're like prisoners that got some time off their sentence by being in this naked video?

[5:11] That was my first question.

[5:13] I should have been in this class.

[5:15] But now I'm realizing they're probably just porn actors that they hired for a medical video.

[5:20] Wait, Stewart, did you see this?

[5:22] No, I didn't watch Elliot's creepy video.

[5:25] First off, they were totally shaved.

[5:28] This is why I was wondering whether it's because we grew up in the Midwest

[5:32] and we were taught to be ashamed of our bodies.

[5:34] No, I mean, I was too busy playing with these fake testicles they gave us.

[5:38] The teacher left the room for a second.

[5:40] I'm like, you're crazy.

[5:42] Those are immediately going to turn into somebody's little beard.

[5:45] Yeah, you're going to start playing hacky sack with them.

[5:49] Someone was upset about that.

[5:52] The testicles aren't connected to a human.

[5:55] No one is feeling bad if you kick them.

[5:58] I think it was the play of words on sack.

[6:00] All right.

[6:02] Let's talk about what happens in this movie.

[6:04] So it's the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, which, as we all remember,

[6:07] was about a young woman who falls in love with a mysterious billionaire named Christian Grey.

[6:12] Her name is Anastasia.

[6:14] Steele.

[6:16] Anastasia Steele.

[6:18] These are the real names that real people have.

[6:21] And she falls in love with this billionaire who seduces her partly through his raw sexuality

[6:27] and partly because he's super rich and can just call a helicopter on Uber if he wants to.

[6:33] But he's also involved in light spank play and things like that.

[6:37] He has a room full of paddles and garbage, you know, whatever.

[6:42] Oh, wow.

[6:44] Paddles and garbage or whatever.

[6:47] He gets off on S&M in a room that's very smelly.

[6:52] And he calls his red room.

[6:55] And it's a secret that no one knows about except, I guess, everybody who works for him.

[6:59] Because I forget if she's in the first movie.

[7:01] In this movie he has this assistant who takes care of his apartment.

[7:04] She's the maid. She's not the assistant.

[7:06] She's not dressed as a maid in a maid's costume.

[7:08] Yes, she is.

[7:09] Now, this is a different lady.

[7:10] But each time he's about to take Anastasia into the room, she smirks like,

[7:14] I know what's going to happen in there.

[7:17] But at the end of the movie, she says, I want you to show me what you really want.

[7:21] Show me what you want, what you really, really want.

[7:23] And he says, I want to hit you even harder than I've been hitting you.

[7:28] And he hits her too hard.

[7:30] And she says, this is too much for me, and leaves and gets in the elevator.

[7:33] And not since the end of Blade Runner, the director's cut.

[7:36] Did an elevator door closing seem so final?

[7:39] Wait.

[7:40] So I was lost completely, because I had never seen the first one.

[7:45] When I watched this one, I went into it blind.

[7:47] You wanted some kind of Star Wars type crawl that explains the story to you.

[7:51] Exactly.

[7:52] So when he hit her too hard, just not.

[7:55] It was on the butt.

[7:56] OK, thank you.

[7:57] Yeah, it was on the butt.

[7:58] OK.

[7:59] This is a movie that.

[8:00] The place that is built for spanking.

[8:03] God.

[8:05] As God intended.

[8:06] It sounds like that's an ad for a chain of butts.

[8:10] And at the end, like a folksy voice just goes, the place that was built for spanking.

[8:19] I dearly hope that the butt is the place for spanking is on your Tinder profile.

[8:25] If not, you are leaving money on the floor.

[8:28] I hope it's on your business card.

[8:33] Hello, I'm Dan McCoy.

[8:34] I'm a comedy writer.

[8:35] But here, the butt is the place for spanking.

[8:39] OK, so this movie.

[8:40] So they have broken up.

[8:42] Things are not looking great for the relationship between Anastasia and Christian Graham.

[8:45] He sends her a bunch of roses and she almost just throws them in the trash.

[8:49] In a very slow scene.

[8:50] That's crazy.

[8:51] In which her thought.

[8:52] She might as well have a thought bubble above her head for how much every move is telegraphed in that scene.

[8:57] She doesn't throw them in the trash.

[8:59] No.

[9:01] So they've broken up.

[9:03] And we learn that she is irresistible to rich men with handsome chins.

[9:07] And she starts her job as an assistant at a publishing house.

[9:11] In a very cool loft space.

[9:13] They're in Seattle.

[9:14] Home of the publishing industry.

[9:17] And I remember I watched the first half of this with my wife until she got bored.

[9:24] Because your wife was saying, I ain't watching something in Seattle unless fucking Frasier shows up.

[9:30] Somebody better be tossing some salad with scrambled eggs.

[9:34] And you're like, honey, when did you get so raw about Frasier?

[9:40] And her big takeaway was, this woman could never have afforded that apartment on a publishing assistant's salary.

[9:47] Because that's a job my wife had.

[9:48] And she had to get roommates.

[9:50] It is revealed she has roommates later in the movie.

[9:52] So Fifty Shades Darker, I apologize for accusing you of that crime.

[9:56] She goes to an art gallery.

[9:58] A show which is...

[10:00] to her surprise, made up of photos of her by a friend who clearly has a crush on her,

[10:04] who didn't tell her the gallery was gay.

[10:05] I thought he was gay.

[10:06] Yeah, I thought he was gay, too.

[10:08] Except that when she's like, hey, thanks, he's clearly crushed that she didn't take

[10:12] as a hint.

[10:13] Everything about him is gay, except she's so irresistible.

[10:16] She is, Robert Palmer would have said it best, simply irresistible.

[10:20] And not because she's some kind of like...

[10:22] That's because she's, just because she's licking her hair back, dancing robotically in the

[10:26] background with a bass guitar.

[10:28] Exactly.

[10:29] She doesn't do that.

[10:30] You just described the video Elliot referenced.

[10:33] Oh, okay.

[10:34] No, I thought, that's just my perfect woman.

[10:36] I didn't even think about that.

[10:38] Oh, yeah.

[10:39] Some kind of like pneumatic robot?

[10:40] Yeah.

[10:41] That plays bass?

[10:42] Elliot, I defy you to think of anything cooler than a bass player.

[10:46] I defy you.

[10:48] Can't do it.

[10:49] Can't do it.

[10:50] Unless it's Xander Cage, but anyway.

[10:54] So here's the thing about Anastasia.

[10:56] What makes her so sexy is that she doesn't know she's so sexy.

[11:01] She's an unassuming, kind of like shrinking violet.

[11:05] She's powerless and needs to be protected, and that powerlessness creates a hold on men,

[11:10] which is her true power.

[11:11] Hallie, it looks like you've got an opinion on this.

[11:14] I find that very anti-feminist.

[11:17] That I read it that way or that the movie does that?

[11:19] No, that the movie does that and that you read it that way.

[11:21] It's like, what?

[11:22] You can't, wait a minute, hold on.

[11:23] Explain.

[11:24] What's that?

[11:26] What's that song?

[11:27] What's that pop song that's like, you don't know you're beautiful and that's what makes

[11:31] you beautiful?

[11:32] I get so mad when I hear that.

[11:33] I don't know that song.

[11:34] Oh, it's like One Direction?

[11:35] Yeah.

[11:36] Yeah.

[11:37] It's like, fuck you.

[11:38] Hallie says, One Direction.

[11:39] It's like, you know what's the sexiest thing in a woman?

[11:45] A lack of confidence.

[11:46] Exactly.

[11:47] But, to be fair, I mean, I never saw the first one, but.

[11:53] Oh, where she's super confident.

[11:55] Well, she didn't seem that unconfident.

[11:59] Oh, no, she's not totally unconfident, but there's this, there's a part of her that's

[12:03] like.

[12:04] I mean, she, but she, she puts, she doesn't take shit from Christian.

[12:09] That's true.

[12:10] Well, because she's seen him nude.

[12:11] Except right away when he's like, she's like, I can't talk to you.

[12:13] And he's like, let's go have dinner.

[12:14] And she's like, okay, yeah, there's.

[12:18] This movie is full of moments where Christian does something that is clearly him controlling

[12:21] and trying to buy her.

[12:22] And she's like, what?

[12:23] You can't do that.

[12:25] Well, I just did it.

[12:26] Well, it's a fait accompli now.

[12:27] Nothing I can do.

[12:28] So they do.

[12:29] Christian shows up.

[12:30] I can't talk to you.

[12:31] Well, we'll have dinner.

[12:32] Okay, great.

[12:33] He orders.

[12:34] Because he buys all of the pictures of her.

[12:35] Yeah.

[12:36] He orders his steak medium.

[12:37] Gross.

[12:38] And then.

[12:39] He tries to order for her.

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:41] He tries to order for her and she's like, no, I'll have a salad.

[12:42] I'll have the quinoa.

[12:43] Quinoa salad.

[12:44] Because it's Seattle.

[12:45] In Seattle.

[12:47] And so, and so he wins her over.

[12:55] He said in the first movie they had a contract that said how far they could go together because

[13:00] nothing says sex and romance like a contract, just like total paperwork.

[13:07] That was the moment that I got kind of bummed because that was the only scene in the first

[13:10] movie I enjoyed at all.

[13:11] That's true.

[13:12] Is the contract writing.

[13:13] Because I just like contract guys.

[13:16] It's super funny to imagine they're people getting together just to negotiate it without

[13:19] them because like that's a funny job.

[13:22] You have to know that they're negotiating very seriously and then the lawyers must have

[13:25] just stopped him and like, you got to admit it's kind of funny.

[13:29] You just got to laugh.

[13:30] Yeah.

[13:31] Yeah.

[13:32] Sometimes you got to laugh in this business.

[13:33] She says, okay.

[13:34] He's like, I'm open to a new, we'll read it.

[13:36] We'll redo the contract.

[13:37] You're in charge.

[13:38] And she goes, okay.

[13:39] And he gets, and of course he, he does this when he gives her a new phone or is that late?

[13:45] No, it's that, but it's when they, he takes her home and he gives her, he gives her a

[13:49] computer and a phone because it's, it's, she's in charge.

[13:53] Yeah.

[13:54] And she texts him a text that doesn't have a good graphics card.

[14:00] Can she play doom on it?

[14:03] I've already downloaded a bunch of emulators for you, so she, uh, she texts him and ends

[14:09] the text with the phrase later's baby.

[14:12] And it was like, Oh, this is somehow the grossest thing in the movie.

[14:17] Capital B by the way, yeah, baby.

[14:21] Uh, cause maybe it's to the dinosaur, to the baby from dinosaurs.

[14:25] Uh, now she is, you said you weren't going to talk about baby Sinclair tonight.

[14:33] I'm sorry.

[14:34] I'm sorry.

[14:35] That was, that was part of Stewart's in my contract before the show.

[14:39] And I apologize.

[14:40] It was in the rider.

[14:41] I didn't know.

[14:42] It was in the rider.

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:44] No baby Sinclair talk.

[14:45] Uh, and so throughout the movie, Chris, there would be not the mama.

[14:59] So Christian keeps essentially trying to buy her.

[15:04] At one point he transfers $24,000 to her account.

[15:08] He's like, let me give you $24,000.

[15:09] And he writes her a check and she rips it off and he goes, and he goes, Siri, transfer

[15:14] $24,000 to her account.

[15:16] And she goes, how did you get my account number?

[15:19] Stop that.

[15:20] Yeah.

[15:21] Let's go have sex.

[15:22] I guess let's, let's be clear about something.

[15:24] Christian gray.

[15:25] Like the movie tries to make it like the movie tries to have it both ways.

[15:28] The movie tries to, yeah.

[15:32] The movie tries to get you off on the bondage and discipline stuff.

[15:37] That's one way.

[15:40] And it tries to make you think that BDSM is a disease that needs to be cured.

[15:45] It fits into like, that's what we were saying, I mean, no, it's just like the most prudish

[15:49] sex movie.

[15:50] And like the thing about Christian gray, it sounds like a Disney movie from the sixties,

[15:54] like a live action film, the most prudish sex movie starring Dean Jones.

[15:59] No, but the, like the movie tries to make it out like Christian gray is a creep in part

[16:05] because he likes like deviant sex, but the reason Christian gray is a creep is he's a

[16:09] creep.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:11] Like, no, but the, it's not the deviant sex it's like, but that's, yeah, cause he controls

[16:17] her outside of it.

[16:18] But then I feel like it's also trying to like plug into some, I don't like not a fantasy

[16:24] that I'm familiar with in terms of women having, but just like when he's like, I own you, you

[16:30] belong to me.

[16:31] And she's like, no, I don't.

[16:32] But she, like, it's kind of into it.

[16:34] And then when you, when she asked him to go on the trip and he's like, the answer is no.

[16:39] And like, I feel like our mid, like this was supposed to be like really big with like,

[16:44] right.

[16:45] Are they like jerking it to like, no, I can't go on that crazy.

[16:53] This movie, I'm going to say two things.

[16:55] One, listen to him.

[16:56] Couldn't see how his adorable jerk, which almost knocked Elliot off the toadstool.

[17:02] There are times when Hallie is, there's something adorable about you, Hallie.

[17:08] That's like a child that's heard about sex and it's like, this is how they do it.

[17:13] She, he kisses her and puts his tongue in her mouth and she has a baby, but like, but

[17:18] uh, there's, okay, here's three points I'm going to make one.

[17:22] Yes, they are masturbating to that too.

[17:24] This movie makes the most sense of Christian is a vampire or a serial killer.

[17:29] And three, here's the, this movie fits into, and this is a double-headed point.

[17:34] This is, this movie fits into gross dude.

[17:38] Sorry.

[17:39] Yeah.

[17:40] Sorry.

[17:41] Too much.

[17:42] This movie fits into two American traditions.

[17:43] One is titillating and then con and then condemning as let's say, condemnating titillating and

[17:50] then making it okay by condemning.

[17:52] It's okay for me to be turned on by this because I'm going to know it's bad and it's going

[17:56] to be judged as bad.

[17:57] So that makes it okay.

[17:58] And number two, there is nothing for all the like hitting and butts in this movie.

[18:03] There is nothing sexier or kinkier in this movie than money.

[18:09] Every time they want to show how great Christian is, he rents a boat and takes her on a boat.

[18:13] He takes her to his fam, rich families, like fancy Venetian themed masquerade ball where

[18:19] there's an auction for a night in his dad's cabin and she, and she throws the $24,000

[18:24] away.

[18:25] It's his cabin.

[18:26] Oh, it's his cabin.

[18:27] In Aspen.

[18:29] It's a condo.

[18:32] I always had that impression.

[18:33] Yeah.

[18:34] So like this movie is, it's squarely, it's like the thing that's going to get people

[18:38] hard and or wet is, it's like, thank you for specifying.

[18:43] Sometimes both.

[18:44] Sometimes both.

[18:45] I'm getting old guys is what I'm trying to say.

[18:50] It's like, look at how much money he has.

[18:53] Look at how easy life is for him because he's got so much money.

[18:56] He can do whatever he wants because he's totally rich.

[18:59] Like he doesn't really go to work, right?

[19:01] No.

[19:02] I mean, he's, he's basically a brute, has Bruce Wayne's job where his job is to put

[19:06] on a suit, sit through a meeting, board, and then get up and leave whenever he wants.

[19:10] No, but we also forgot to mention that.

[19:13] Okay.

[19:14] So she's working at this publishing house and right when they get together, he's like,

[19:18] I'm buying that publishing house.

[19:20] She's like, yeah, this is my job.

[19:21] And he's like, I know.

[19:22] It's not even about you.

[19:23] I've been meaning to get into publishing.

[19:24] And she's like, okay.

[19:25] She's like, that makes sense.

[19:26] Publishing is on the rise.

[19:27] There's never a better time.

[19:28] It's a wise investment for a billionaire.

[19:29] It's like, it's like, it's the citizen Kane moment of him buying the newspaper, except

[19:30] he's doing it to own a woman.

[19:31] Yeah.

[19:32] So anyway, but movie wins us back over with all the on the nose, slow R&B jams that show

[19:33] up over the sex scenes.

[19:34] So it was kind of tough to hear those R&B jams.

[19:35] Yeah.

[19:36] I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

[19:37] it, yeah, sure.

[19:51] Oh, all right.

[19:54] Thanks.

[19:55] Yeah.

[19:56] Bye.

[19:58] See you.

[20:00] Thanks.

[20:01] Bye.

[20:00] That's Stuart. Interlands Bar in Kensington, check it out.

[20:07] Thanks, Dan.

[20:09] I'll give you your money after the show.

[20:11] So, we were watching at the bar and we had just gotten done watching

[20:15] Triple X, Return of Xander Cage,

[20:18] which really tested the limits of my sound system.

[20:21] So, when we're playing Fifty Shades Darker,

[20:25] anytime there's any kind of variance in sound, the whole sound system would

[20:29] blow out and we'd just have to read the closed captioning.

[20:34] So, like, when the gun goes off, spoiler alert, there's a gun.

[20:38] When the helicopter makes a backfire noise,

[20:41] anytime the R&B James got too exciting, the sound would go off.

[20:46] They found the most on-the-nose music, there's a part later in the movie

[20:49] where Anastasia, she's like overcome her difficulties and she wants to go

[20:52] further with Christian,

[20:53] and the music literally starts with them like, I'm not afraid anymore.

[20:58] I'm not afraid anymore.

[21:00] Bring it on me.

[21:02] And it's like, seriously?

[21:03] Like, the weirdest sex scene is when they're having sex and it's like,

[21:06] thank you for being a friend.

[21:09] That was the sexiest scene.

[21:11] Yeah.

[21:12] I got ketchup on my blue jeans.

[21:17] Streaks on the china, never been there before.

[21:20] What would we do, baby, without us?

[21:25] Well, there's a time for love and a time for living.

[21:28] You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both.

[21:30] Whatever happened to predictability?

[21:34] The movie would be so much better if that was the soundtrack.

[21:38] Classic flophouse medley.

[21:40] How did the elf song go?

[21:41] Elf.

[21:42] Elf, elf, elf.

[21:44] I guess there are no lyrics.

[21:47] Okay, elf.

[21:48] So there's three different kind of danger subplots in the movie.

[21:54] One is the woman who inducted Christian Grey into S&M

[21:58] when he was a teen, Kim Basinger.

[22:00] The Kim Basinger?

[22:02] Playing a character.

[22:03] Oh, okay.

[22:04] She's not playing Kim Basinger.

[22:06] And she's trying to keep Anastasia away from Christian.

[22:09] What was her name, Elaine?

[22:10] Something like that.

[22:11] Yeah, like from Seinfeld, I don't know.

[22:14] And there's something, I don't know if putting Kim Basinger

[22:17] in this movie just heightened the fact that like,

[22:20] Nine and a Half Weeks was a little more of a sexy movie, right?

[22:24] Like, they did like a kind of intense relationship

[22:28] way better than this movie does.

[22:30] Yeah, sure, I guess.

[22:31] And I mean, it helped that they knew there was a deadline,

[22:33] so they had to really amp it up.

[22:34] And there was a...

[22:39] I can't take a lot of time.

[22:40] I only have eight and a half weeks left.

[22:42] Why did they just round it up to 10 weeks?

[22:43] That's what I always wondered, you know?

[22:45] Because they're playing off of that,

[22:47] the flamingo eight and a half weeks.

[22:48] They had a weekend trip.

[22:49] They had an Airbnb plan.

[22:51] They wanted to do 10 weeks.

[22:52] Yeah, but they had to get out

[22:54] because it wasn't available for those other days.

[22:57] They had an air S&M.

[22:57] There's no way any Airbnb would rent

[23:00] to Mickey Rourke for nine weeks.

[23:07] So there's that.

[23:09] There's actually, there's four of these.

[23:10] There's Christian dealing with his memories of his mom.

[23:13] His real biological mom, Odede,

[23:15] he was left with the body for four days when he was a kid.

[23:18] And the woman who is now...

[23:19] When did that happen?

[23:20] In flashbacks.

[23:22] It happened when he was a kid.

[23:24] But we didn't know he was left with the body for four days.

[23:25] No, he mentions it at one point.

[23:27] He keeps calling her his birth mom or his biological mom.

[23:31] Because she was.

[23:32] Okay, I know, but there was something weird about it.

[23:36] Story checks out.

[23:40] Because he was adopted by this billionaire family.

[23:42] There's also.

[23:43] But he was also burned with cigarettes

[23:47] by his mom's boyfriend, father, I don't know.

[23:51] We don't know.

[23:52] All over his chest, there's burn marks.

[23:54] Yeah.

[23:55] He takes a lipstick and he just, he draws.

[23:57] He doesn't take it.

[23:58] Oh no, he directs her.

[24:00] As she draws a rectangle around his chest

[24:02] and he goes, those are my boundaries.

[24:03] That's a map of my pain or something like that.

[24:05] Because he won't let her touch his chest.

[24:07] What's that, Hellraiser?

[24:09] Yeah, and then Pinhead comes out

[24:11] and he's like, don't drag me into this.

[24:12] Why do I keep talking about fucking Hellraiser tonight?

[24:15] And then later on, there's a scene in the shower

[24:18] where she washes away his boundaries

[24:20] in the most obvious symbolism ever.

[24:22] I love that scene because when they start kissing

[24:25] and then the shower's already on

[24:27] and they rush into it, making out

[24:29] and take their clothes off.

[24:29] And I was like, who turned the shower on?

[24:31] No, that's a different scene.

[24:34] Oh, that's a different scene?

[24:35] It was like, did the assistant see them making out?

[24:37] It was like, I better turn on that shower.

[24:39] Or did Christian go like, wait, wait, wait, wait

[24:42] and run and turn the shower on

[24:43] and get the temperature right.

[24:44] And then run back and be like, okay, let's go now.

[24:46] Let's go now.

[24:47] The moment's still good.

[24:48] Keep that moment going.

[24:50] Okay, so that's.

[24:51] Ellen is showing that he has practiced

[24:54] that shower sex, I guess.

[24:56] It's an interesting window.

[24:58] Unless he has a voice-activated shower

[25:00] in which case the future is here.

[25:01] Why are we talking about S&M

[25:03] when that's what we should be talking about?

[25:05] Underwater sex.

[25:06] Has anyone tried it?

[25:10] In joke.

[25:12] In joke.

[25:13] Okay, so Kim Basinger,

[25:15] she's trying to get back on her old territory.

[25:17] He's got his traumatic memories.

[25:18] Number three, there's a mysterious girl, woman,

[25:22] but she keeps stepping out

[25:23] and seems to be a threat to Anastasia.

[25:25] It turns out to be an old sub of Christians.

[25:28] And number four, Anastasia's boss has the hots for her

[25:32] and he's not taking no for an answer.

[25:33] So first off, let me talk about point number three.

[25:36] Doesn't Anastasia describe her as like

[25:38] this strange woman with bandages on her wrist?

[25:40] Like, come on, dude.

[25:42] Even like, that's the easiest movie shorthand.

[25:44] That's like when anytime a woman barfs in the morning

[25:49] or at all in a movie, you're like,

[25:50] oh, you're pregnant, dude.

[25:52] Well, bandages on the wrist, it's not like.

[25:54] I love the idea of Stewart as a doctor.

[25:56] You're pregnant, dude.

[26:02] Deal with it.

[26:03] De-doy.

[26:04] And you're getting Adele.

[26:06] Yeah.

[26:07] No, but I get it, Stewart.

[26:07] You're getting Adele, dude.

[26:09] And you're breakers.

[26:11] This definitely veered from the nuance

[26:14] of the rest of the movie.

[26:16] I'm totally with you there.

[26:18] Touche.

[26:19] Now I want to talk about point number four

[26:20] that you mentioned, Elliot.

[26:21] Her boss, he kind of looks like Garrett Dillahunt

[26:25] if he was a little sexier.

[26:28] That guy, you laugh, knows what I'm talking about.

[26:34] So each of these subplots.

[26:38] He ceded the floor to me, I get it.

[26:39] Here's the thing with this movie.

[26:40] Each of these subplots is taken care of

[26:43] almost immediately when they come to a head.

[26:45] The girl shows up in Anastasia's apartment with a gun.

[26:48] No, that happens at the end.

[26:49] They plant the seeds at the beginning.

[26:51] They plant, sorry, they plant the seeds at the beginning.

[26:53] And then they're totally irrelevant

[26:54] for all of the middle of the movie.

[26:56] And then at the end, she shows up with a gun.

[26:58] Christian walks in, because of course,

[26:59] Anastasia is under surveillance at all times

[27:02] because he loves her.

[27:03] And walks in and commands her because her sub-train,

[27:07] it's like a Weapon X type thing.

[27:09] Like, her sub-training is still in there.

[27:12] So he is able to command her to give him the gun.

[27:15] It was so amazing.

[27:16] So he goes, so he walks in

[27:19] and she's pointing the gun at Anastasia.

[27:21] Paint a word picture for us.

[27:22] And he gestures so that she'll move the gun

[27:28] to pointing at him.

[27:29] And she's like, Christian, no!

[27:31] Anastasia, Christian, no!

[27:33] And then he's like, he just stops her with his hand.

[27:39] And then he just goes, for the podcast,

[27:45] a beckoning to give the gun.

[27:46] Puts it in his pocket.

[27:47] And then he says, kneel.

[27:50] But when I was watching it, I thought he said, heel.

[27:56] Wow.

[27:57] And I was like, that is so fucked up.

[28:01] Now the hottest thing about that is he takes that pistol

[28:04] and he sticks it in his pocket,

[28:05] where I'm assuming a pair of used, what,

[28:08] anal or vaginal beads are sitting?

[28:10] Oh, I forgot about that.

[28:12] That's the best part.

[28:13] And he gives her a pair of vaginal beads

[28:15] to wear at his family's fancy auction house.

[28:17] I want to say something about this.

[28:19] Or were they anal beads?

[28:20] Dan, what do they look like to you?

[28:21] I thought they were like Benoit balls.

[28:23] They're Benoit balls.

[28:24] Okay, they're Benoit balls.

[28:25] They're like Captain Queeg was using them

[28:26] and then he gave them to-

[28:28] They're for the vagina.

[28:30] However, like-

[28:32] And let me tell you, when he puts them in,

[28:34] they go in real easy.

[28:37] I don't know what she was using, but-

[28:39] She was using her own saliva.

[28:42] Put them in her mouth.

[28:44] But still, she must have had them in her mouth

[28:47] for like a minute and a half.

[28:49] You saw that!

[28:50] You saw the footage!

[28:51] Yeah, they didn't soften up at all.

[28:54] I feel like a marker of how vanilla

[28:57] the movie actually is, though.

[28:59] It's like this movie wants it to be like,

[29:01] this is the kinkiest shit ever.

[29:03] Like, you have never seen kinkier shit,

[29:05] but this is like-

[29:06] You've never even imagined this stuff.

[29:09] And he pulls out these balls

[29:10] and she immediately goes,

[29:12] those aren't going in my butt.

[29:15] And I was thinking while I was watching it,

[29:17] if this movie had the courage of the convictions,

[29:19] those would be going in her butt.

[29:22] I thought they were definitely going in her butt.

[29:24] And then he's like, no, no, no.

[29:26] They're not going in your butt.

[29:29] As if they're going someplace way crazier.

[29:31] They're just going in your vagina!

[29:32] Oh no, they're going in your ears.

[29:36] What's weird is that, so this movie

[29:38] doesn't have the courage of the convictions

[29:40] that that Katherine Heigl movie has,

[29:42] where she has the vibrating panties on

[29:44] and the kid gets a hold of the remote control

[29:47] and she's just coming all over the place

[29:48] during a business dinner.

[29:49] Because Anastasia's wearing them

[29:51] and they go to this fancy ball,

[29:53] and she sits down and goes, oh,

[29:54] and he goes, now you see what they do?

[29:56] Never brought up again.

[29:59] That's not true.

[30:00] She like laughs at something and she's like...

[30:04] That's her... her overreaction at like every possible physical stimuli is exhausting.

[30:11] Like he like touches her and she's like...

[30:15] That's the kind of effect a guy like Christian Grey has on ladies.

[30:18] She orgasms immediately no matter what is going on.

[30:21] Yeah. It must be a terrible disability to live with.

[30:24] Yeah.

[30:25] No, but also there's like a scene like...

[30:27] I'm talking about the sex scenes because like that's all we care about.

[30:30] Okay. I want to get back to the stuff with her and her boss.

[30:32] We'll get back to the plot later.

[30:33] Okay. Let's talk about the raison de tre of the movie.

[30:36] Yeah. Thank you, Elliot.

[30:38] That means... that means a tray of raisins.

[30:41] Yeah.

[30:47] There's a scene where she's like, spank me.

[30:50] And he spanks her three times like a man who has never spanked a woman.

[30:54] And they have sex.

[30:55] Describe that.

[30:56] How does a man who's never spanked a woman spank a woman?

[30:58] He does it like with this weird like half-closed palm and he just goes in...

[31:02] Like he's going to throw a knuckleball?

[31:04] Yeah. He goes in.

[31:06] There's no follow through.

[31:07] He just sort of stops when he reaches the...

[31:09] I mean, I understand that this is like a movie with actors.

[31:12] They can't actually like...

[31:13] Actors who by all accounts did not like each other.

[31:15] No, no.

[31:16] Really?

[31:17] Apparently they did not care for each other instead of the first one.

[31:19] Maybe they... I don't know. Maybe they buried the hatchet.

[31:21] But there's three spanks.

[31:24] Yeah, alright.

[31:25] That's a phrase people use.

[31:28] There's no innuendo in that one.

[31:31] There's three spanks and then it's just like, and now the missionary sex.

[31:34] And it's like...

[31:35] If there's one thing I know about people who like spanking,

[31:38] it's that they love to just stop after three spanks.

[31:42] It's the rule of threes, Dan.

[31:45] I gotta say, nothing makes me happier than Dan getting mad at how boring the sex is.

[31:53] This was a perfectly good movie.

[31:54] It could have been a perfectly good movie about butts and then they fucked it all up.

[31:59] And there's a lot more boob shots in this movie.

[32:01] There's less butts, I think, than even in the first one.

[32:03] Yeah.

[32:04] There's more nudity than I expected.

[32:05] I don't expect it with this sequel that they would have been like,

[32:08] Nah, we don't need to put that in.

[32:09] People are gonna come and laugh this garbage up.

[32:11] Do you feel like this was less sexy than the first one?

[32:13] Having not seen the first one.

[32:15] They're both pretty unsexy.

[32:17] They're both pretty unsexy.

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:19] And also, speaking of butts, there should have been more...

[32:22] As you often are.

[32:23] There should have been...

[32:24] I feel like that segue should just go assumed whenever you're about to say something.

[32:28] There is a dearth of male nudity in this film.

[32:31] For a film that was based on a book that was written by and for women,

[32:36] there's very little male nudity.

[32:38] He has a lot of sex with his pants on.

[32:40] Yeah.

[32:41] He doesn't even...

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:43] He gets her fully nude.

[32:44] You see everything about her.

[32:46] And then he undoes his buckle and he's having sex with her.

[32:50] The ultimate fantasy.

[32:53] There's literally a scene where he still has his jeans on.

[32:55] Put on a brown t-shirt.

[33:02] I think that's a reference to something that wasn't on the podcast.

[33:05] That's a reference to part of the pre-show.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:09] We had David Duchovny's brown t-shirt diaries.

[33:14] There's a scene where his jeans are halfway down his butt and they're having sex.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:19] That's the sexiest part of the butt.

[33:20] Yeah.

[33:21] You want to see the full butt.

[33:22] I mean, there was the very sensual scene when he was working out

[33:26] and he has a pummel horse in his workout room.

[33:30] And he just balances on it for a long time.

[33:32] I know.

[33:33] I was like, this would be so hardcore if he started doing a gymnast routine

[33:37] on this.

[33:39] And they're trying to present it like it's super sexy, but I'm like,

[33:42] movie.

[33:43] I've seen fucking Magic Mike XXL.

[33:46] You do nothing for me.

[33:48] Yeah.

[33:49] In a world where that exists.

[33:51] Anyway, so.

[33:52] We're way behind.

[33:53] I want to get back to the plot.

[33:54] Speaking of behind, we're way behind.

[33:56] I want to get back to the plot in the last trance.

[33:59] Her boss sexually harasses her.

[34:02] Christian, of course, has bought the company and fires him.

[34:05] Hey, there's nobody who understands the fiction editor's work like the

[34:09] fiction editor's assistant.

[34:11] I guess we'll just promote the newest person in the office to the highest

[34:14] position.

[34:15] That's what happens to Anastasia.

[34:17] She has a great breakthrough idea.

[34:19] Let's get young authors that people on the Internet like.

[34:22] How popular is he?

[34:25] He's had 80,000 hits in the last month.

[34:29] That was like her big sell.

[34:32] It is the idea of the century.

[34:34] The option was either print fewer books or print more books.

[34:38] And she went with print more books.

[34:42] It's around this time that Anastasia's a little bit afraid of what Christian

[34:46] might want to do.

[34:47] And he admits that he's not a dom.

[34:49] He's a sadist.

[34:50] He likes to make women hurt because it's revenge on his mom.

[34:53] And he says, and I know how fucked up that is.

[34:56] And it's like if even the guy in the movie doesn't like the thing that gives

[34:59] him sexual pleasure, then like, I don't know, movie.

[35:04] And there's a, but this is when, okay, Christian proposes to her.

[35:09] She decides to, she says, I'll think about it.

[35:12] He wants to make the ultimate commitment.

[35:14] Because you know what?

[35:15] There's no stronger bondage than a wedding ring.

[35:18] Because that's a bondage of souls.

[35:22] I guess you're getting money from Zales now?

[35:26] Hey, guys, did you know every kiss begins with K?

[35:30] Now Zales is going to be angry with you.

[35:33] I'll take it from, I'm like your Jimbo.

[35:35] I'm working both sides.

[35:36] Setting them against each other.

[35:38] This is last man standing.

[35:42] She decides, she says, I'll think about it.

[35:44] She decides, of course, that she is going to answer the proposal in the form

[35:48] of giving him for his birthday a novelty key chain that says yes.

[35:52] But before he opens it, before he opens it, he's in a helicopter crash.

[35:58] What?

[35:59] He's in a helicopter and crashes into the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

[36:03] This is the point in the movie where the news of his disappearance is all over TV.

[36:07] And I was like, oh, so he's famous?

[36:09] He's a billionaire.

[36:12] Okay.

[36:13] There's a lot of billionaires out there.

[36:15] Anyway.

[36:16] If only.

[36:17] Actually.

[36:18] No, go on, Hallie.

[36:19] This is the part of the movie where I cry.

[36:24] Hallie, I want you to tell us.

[36:26] I want you to tell it and I want you to tell us.

[36:28] Because she goes back to the apartment that he's now given her a key to,

[36:33] which was a big step.

[36:35] He says, you can bring some of your stuff here.

[36:38] And it's like, he might as well open his soul.

[36:40] Right.

[36:41] But so she's there and his family, Marsha Gay Harden, his adoptive mother,

[36:46] but he named a boat after her, Grace.

[36:49] You know, he loves her.

[36:51] Okay.

[36:52] So she's watching.

[36:53] So they're all watching the coverage.

[36:56] And she's like, he can't be dead.

[36:59] And she's like, we didn't have any time.

[37:02] And that's when I started crying.

[37:04] Well, lucky for you, Hallie, that no less than I think four or five minutes

[37:08] after the crash scene, Christian walks back into the apartment.

[37:12] It's okay, everybody.

[37:14] He survived.

[37:16] And she says he opens his present, sees the novelty key chain that says yes.

[37:22] And she's accepted his proposal.

[37:24] That's according to my notes when they have their shower sex in their clothes.

[37:27] Yes.

[37:28] And when they go to the red room and the song plays that says,

[37:30] I'm not afraid anymore.

[37:32] Now, were you hoping that he was going to come back like Mr.

[37:35] Rainsford and Jane Eyre all like burned up and shit?

[37:38] Oh, yeah, all scarred and blind.

[37:40] But like kind of awesome and burned up?

[37:43] I wanted to come back as like Darkman, yeah.

[37:45] A lot like Darkman.

[37:47] So he can't feel pain anymore.

[37:49] And he has other powers, I think.

[37:52] The question is whether he can feel pleasure now.

[37:54] And he has a machine that makes faces.

[37:57] That's what Darkman's about, right?

[37:58] It's got a face-making machine.

[37:59] So that would fit perfectly.

[38:00] It's about a nose that explodes.

[38:02] Wait, he has a nose that explodes?

[38:04] No, remember, he's like trying to simulate the flesh.

[38:07] And that nose just like a plop.

[38:10] Explodes for selling it quite a lot, yeah.

[38:13] So there's also the point where someone's like,

[38:15] Christian, you're only 27.

[38:17] And I was like, no way.

[38:18] Wait, come on.

[38:19] Get the fuck out of here.

[38:20] No way.

[38:21] I missed that.

[38:22] Seriously?

[38:23] He looks bad for 27.

[38:25] He looks, yeah.

[38:27] That was the first moment where I was like,

[38:29] maybe this guy was left with his mom's dead body for four days.

[38:31] Because he does not look 27.

[38:33] Yeah, he's like a ghoul or something.

[38:34] He's got crypt rot.

[38:38] To make a long story short,

[38:40] this is when the movie gets ultra soap opera.

[38:42] Because there's like a party for his birthday.

[38:44] He announces the engagement.

[38:45] Kim Basinger confronts Anastasia.

[38:48] For the second time.

[38:49] We didn't mention before the party.

[38:51] She already confronted her.

[38:52] She's like, keep your distance.

[38:53] In the shitter, right?

[38:54] You can't change him.

[38:55] What?

[38:56] She confronted her in the shitter of that fancy house.

[38:58] Yeah, yeah.

[38:59] That's what they call it in a real fancy house.

[39:01] She walked out of a stall buckling her belt.

[39:05] Went, woo!

[39:06] Hey, you better stay away from Christian.

[39:09] Because you think you can tame him.

[39:11] You can't tame him any more than I can tame that.

[39:13] Gotta go.

[39:17] Kim Basinger says, so I see you didn't take my advice.

[39:20] And Anastasia says, you're trying to take him away from me.

[39:24] And Christian throws champagne in her face.

[39:26] Christian shows up and says...

[39:27] One second.

[39:28] It was a martini.

[39:29] Oh, sorry.

[39:30] I just want to talk about the champagne in this movie.

[39:33] What's going on, dude?

[39:34] There's no bubbles in any of this fucking champagne, right?

[39:37] It's clearly not Korbel.

[39:38] Is it lube?

[39:41] There's a part where...

[39:43] It explains why they're drinking it.

[39:46] He pours something on Anastasia and she shudders as if a thousand waves of pleasure just went through her.

[39:51] And Hallie and I can't agree on what that liquid was.

[39:54] I thought it was oil.

[39:55] I thought it was champagne.

[39:58] We'll never know.

[40:00] What do you guys think? I thought it was oil.

[40:01] Probably pee pee. Okay, probably pee. So let's go on.

[40:05] Uh, and so she throws... That is the movie end.

[40:07] She throws her... That's why I was... Yeah, that's why I was so oily.

[40:10] She throws her drink in Kim Basinger's face.

[40:13] Wait, is there something wrong with my pee pee, guys?

[40:16] Please stop saying pee pee. Oh, I gotta go to the doctor.

[40:19] Hey, dude, it's me, Stuart the Doctor.

[40:22] Just pee in this cup for all over Kim Basinger.

[40:25] There's a problem with your pee pee, dude.

[40:30] He's like a doctor who has a bunch of surfboards up in his office.

[40:36] And he's always just... Yeah, posters that say sports.

[40:39] Yeah, and he's strumming on an unplugged electric guitar while he diagnoses you.

[40:45] We're so close to being at the end of this movie.

[40:47] He goes to... We're edging, dude.

[40:49] Wait, he goes to scrub in for surgery and he has to wash his puka shell necklace.

[40:56] Okay, so Christian walks up.

[40:59] He has the best line of the movie, in my opinion, where he says,

[41:01] you taught me to fuck, but she taught me to love.

[41:04] And then... And his adopted mother overhears this,

[41:09] slaps Kim Basinger in the face.

[41:11] And we're in full on Dynasty mode at that point.

[41:13] Because they were best friends.

[41:14] They were best friends before that,

[41:16] because she didn't get that, apparently, Kim Basinger is sexually abusive.

[41:20] But then somehow, when she heard that very small comment,

[41:23] she understood the whole breadth of the deep abuse that happened.

[41:28] There was some kind of Usual Suspects montage they cut

[41:30] where all the clues from the past 27 or 12 years,

[41:35] because he's only 27, filter back in.

[41:38] So Kim Basinger has been cast out by the scarlet woman she is.

[41:43] It looks like Anastasia and Christian are going to be able to settle down

[41:45] and just be non-SNM missionary folks.

[41:48] Fireworks go off, because again, they're super rich.

[41:51] He gets her ring.

[41:52] Is there a scene where Kim Basinger is stripped of all her vestments,

[41:56] like one of the Skeksis in the Dark Crystal?

[41:59] I would have loved if they had some kind of sword...

[42:02] Yeah, they had to cut off parts of a block of stones, as you could say.

[42:05] Yep, and then a bunch of Gartham come out,

[42:07] and I'm like, whoa, I'm into this movie now.

[42:10] Fifty Shades Darker Crystal, yeah.

[42:15] Oh!

[42:17] Oh, oh!

[42:20] It's a real cat on a hot tin tin roof situation there.

[42:22] Oh, man.

[42:23] Imagine how much butt whipping you could do

[42:25] if you have six arms like one of the ancients.

[42:29] Maybe they only had four, I don't remember.

[42:30] Anyway, everything looks like it's going to be great, right?

[42:34] But we know there's another movie in the series.

[42:36] How could they have reached such a picture perfect ending?

[42:39] Because far away on a rock mountaintop,

[42:42] watching the festivities, who is it?

[42:46] Several details we forgot to include earlier on.

[42:50] Like what?

[42:52] Which was the creepy boss who's sexually harassed.

[42:55] I know we talked about it, but we didn't say

[42:58] that there was some anonymous person at the birthday party

[43:02] that took a picture of Christian Grey's family portrait.

[43:07] And when I saw it, I was like, oh, that's Anastasia's boss.

[43:12] Why is he at that party?

[43:14] But apparently it was supposed to be.

[43:16] You didn't think it was just like some guy going to a party?

[43:19] He's like, oh, there's some nice pictures here.

[43:20] I'll take photos with my phone like a normal person.

[43:23] He's like, what's that?

[43:25] What's the modern artist who takes pictures of fine art pictures

[43:29] in museum settings or home settings?

[43:31] And that's her comment on the institutional qualities of the art market.

[43:35] Who am I talking about?

[43:37] It was in the New Yorker.

[43:38] Let's crowdsource this fucking thing.

[43:40] OK, anyway.

[43:41] Well, the point is, the point is he's got that picture

[43:44] because he got it developed super fast.

[43:45] That's crazy, dude.

[43:47] Oh, yeah.

[43:47] He took it to a one hour photo booth.

[43:49] Thank God we did that analogy.

[43:50] It really helped out then.

[43:52] Somebody listening to this is going to like it anyway.

[43:54] So he's standing, he's standing like a timber wolf watching everything

[43:58] that's going to happen, like a mountain lion.

[43:59] And he's got this picture that he just took a little earlier.

[44:02] And he's he looks like something bad's happening.

[44:04] His life's falling apart.

[44:05] And he takes a cigarette and he burns a hole through Christian Grey's face

[44:09] in the photo, which, you know, Christian would be into, dude.

[44:13] Yeah, to be fair.

[44:15] And you're left wondering, oh, how is Christian Grey, a billionaire

[44:20] who could survive a helicopter crash, going to deal with an unemployed book editor?

[44:26] I guess we'll have to stay tuned for Fifty Shades Free.

[44:30] Yeah. All right.

[44:31] Well, let's move on finally to final judgments, whether this was a good,

[44:34] bad movie, a bad, bad movie or a movie you kind of liked.

[44:36] Ali, what do you have to say?

[44:38] I'm going to this is I'm going to say one thing.

[44:40] I thought this was a bad, bad movie,

[44:42] but I still thought it was a better movie than the first one.

[44:45] Yeah, because a few things happened in it.

[44:51] Whereas the first one, not a lot happened in it.

[44:54] What do you think, Hal?

[44:55] I thought it was a good, bad movie.

[44:58] I mean, I did think like I texted you down after I watched it.

[45:02] I did think it was the greatest love story of our time.

[45:05] But, you know, a little slow, I feel like there's there's a there's

[45:13] a good, bad movie hidden in this one, if they could cut like thirty five minutes.

[45:16] I do think I think Dakota Johnson should be given props because she is good in this.

[45:23] She's pretty good.

[45:24] She has like nothing to work with.

[45:26] Yeah, no, I would agree with that.

[45:29] I think it's a I think it's a bad, bad movie, but it's kind of fun.

[45:34] It's more fun to watch the first one.

[45:35] I agree, because I think it has a sense of humor about itself a little bit.

[45:39] I feel like they kind of know it's ridiculous.

[45:41] And it's a bunch of talented people being like, all right, we got to make this

[45:45] fucking movie. So so they put like secret jokes in there.

[45:50] And it's better than the first one, because there's a Chronicles of Riddick

[45:53] poster in the background of lunch.

[45:55] That was amazing.

[45:59] I forgot I remember seeing it, but I don't remember where it was.

[46:02] It was in Christian Grey's bedroom.

[46:04] Like his child. That's right.

[46:05] It's like his childhood bedroom.

[46:07] Yeah, it's something that I can only assume that when he and Anastasia had sex

[46:11] in his childhood bedroom, she was staring at the whole time.

[46:15] If only it was so, yeah, I'd probably say it's I'd say this is a good, bad movie.

[46:19] I, I found it kind of fascinating.

[46:21] There's something about how like I know what this movie is trying to do.

[46:25] It's trying to put this couple as this like, you know, they're on this collision

[46:28] course where they're going to get together.

[46:30] And there's nothing in the movie that indicates that they should be together.

[46:34] Like, as you were saying, like every time he does constantly,

[46:37] he does these like fucked up, abusive relationship things.

[46:41] And then she immediately forgives him when he's like,

[46:43] I'm going to draw a square on my chest, like, fuck off.

[46:47] But the I just I just found it kind of fascinating and weird.

[46:52] And it's oh, man, it's just so strange.

[46:55] So and also within the context of knowing like how successful this is,

[46:59] I'm like this people are really into this.

[47:02] Like there's a lot of people out there who are really into this,

[47:05] which makes it that much more fascinating.

[47:06] And I don't know.

[47:07] Like, I don't know if I'm like white knighting or something,

[47:10] but I think Dakota Johnson actually does a pretty good job with the movie.

[47:14] That's why I agree.

[47:20] Hey, have you seen any good movies lately?

[47:22] Hey, Theresa, just curious.

[47:24] George's BooFest count. It doesn't.

[47:26] Well, I blame my current life situation

[47:28] that has small children that need things.

[47:30] God, I love them.

[47:31] And I miss knowing about stuff.

[47:33] Well, after catching up on the current cultural offerings on podcasts

[47:37] that provide such information,

[47:39] join us on One Bad Mother as we help explore the harsh realities

[47:42] of sweeping self-identity changes as we try to find ourselves

[47:46] between our pre and post-kid selves.

[47:48] I used to like all the things.

[47:50] Download One Bad Mother on MaximumFun.org or Apple Podcasts.

[47:54] And yes, there will be squares.

[47:59] Max FunCon tickets are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com.

[48:03] Watch standup comedy on a mountain.

[48:05] Roll out of bed after a dance party to see a live podcast taping.

[48:09] Take classes from amazing teachers

[48:11] with the most supportive group of people you'll ever meet.

[48:14] Make a bunch of friends and eat a ton of s'mores.

[48:17] Come to Max FunCon at Lake Arrowhead, California

[48:20] the second weekend of June for friendship, comedy and creativity.

[48:24] Get your ticket now at MaxFunCon.org.

[48:27] Get your ticket now at MaxFunCon.com.

[48:35] Hey, it's Dan here breaking in with a few messages from sponsors and jumbotrons.

[48:41] Sorry that I'm flying alone.

[48:43] I know you like hearing those other two jokers, those other two crack them ups,

[48:47] those other two jerks talk.

[48:50] But, you know, sometimes you got to do it solo.

[48:55] And speaking of solo, it's not actually speaking of solo at all.

[49:00] I'm just looking for a Segway and one did not present itself to me.

[49:04] Blue Apron, Blue Apron is your number one place to get fresh,

[49:09] pre-portioned ingredients and step by step recipes right to your door.

[49:13] They can be put that can be cooked rather in under 45 minutes.

[49:18] The menu changes every week based on what's in season

[49:21] and is designed by Blue Apron's in-house culinary team or culinary team.

[49:26] Either way is correct.

[49:27] You can look it up in the dictionary.

[49:30] Blue Apron sends only non GMO ingredients and meat with no added hormones.

[49:36] Now, listen, Blue Apron is treating the Flophouse listeners to their first dinner.

[49:41] A $30 value if you visit BlueApron.com slash Flophouse.

[49:46] So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off

[49:49] with free shipping at BlueApron.com slash Flophouse.

[49:53] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

[49:57] You know, people say I read these things too slowly.

[50:00] And maybe they're right. I don't know. Should I speed through the next one? Is that insulting to our fine sponsor who paid for a certain length of a spot? Who knows? Who knows? I don't know. I should know. I'm the producer of this damn show. But that brings us to Squarespace.

[50:22] Squarespace. Things you can do with Squarespace? Well, you can create a beautiful website to showcase your work. You can sell products and services of all kinds. You can announce an upcoming event or special project. All the things you can do basically with a website you can do with Squarespace. And Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful templates created by world-class designers that are easy to customize for your site.

[50:47] Powerful e-commerce. They don't give you that. And frankly, more websites should give you ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. I mean, literally, I can only think of one that gives you ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. That's ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.com. It's spelled like it sounds.

[51:07] No, what I meant to say is it has powerful e-commerce functionality. Everything optimized for mobile right out of the box with built-in search engine optimization and analytics and 24-7 award-winning customer support. So head to Squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[51:32] Now this is the point in the Squarespace ad where Elliot would probably say something like, Dan, can I use Squarespace to do my website poopcastles.com? And he would go on on a long rant about what poopcastles.com would be. I'm assuming castles made of poop, although maybe it's just a castle where you can go to poop.

[51:56] And I would say, yes, Elliot, you dummy. Any website can be done with Squarespace. So let's just pretend that that happened here.

[52:04] We got a couple of jumbotrons on the docket here.

[52:08] Silver Screen Redemption Podcast. Is making fun of bad movies not enough for you sometimes? At the Silver Screen Redemption Podcast, you can help us make bad movies. Specifically, we make bad sequels to all your favorite movies like La La Land, It, and All Dogs Go to Heaven. Look for the Silver Screen Redemption on iTunes or wherever you download podcasts.

[52:30] We have a personal jumbotron message as well. This goes out to Annie and Rafe from Sean and Sky. And it says, Happy Cajmus. Hopefully this comes out in Cajmus. Otherwise, happy belated Cajmus. Thank you for introducing us to the original peaches and hope you guys have a great time in BC and may all your Cajmus wishes come true.

[53:00] That's nice. I don't know what Cajmus wishes are. Maybe a new castle. Not a poop castle.

[53:10] So back to the show where we're taking questions. See you on the other side.

[53:19] We should move on because we're running long to our final segment of the evening, which is taking some questions from the audience. There's a microphone over to the left of the stage here. If you were at the early show and didn't get to ask a question, rush over as fast as you can.

[53:39] And if you weren't at the early show, I guess also rush over?

[53:43] I just feel bad about the people we weren't able to get to.

[53:46] You're right. Because, Dan, this is a special time. It's a special time that we don't get to share together. Sally, stand up and join us.

[53:52] This is the time to remember when you get to ask us questions. This is the time to dismember if you caught the guy who killed your parents. This is the time to remember. Was this the same guy or did you get the wrong guy?

[54:14] This is the time for November. No, wait, it's June. November's too soon. This is the time for the questions. And they will not ask forever. This is the time for the questions. And I will not stop. No, never.

[54:37] Sally, take it.

[54:43] I can't.

[54:45] It's kind of like how in Fifty Shades of Grey the music just kind of matched the moment, right?

[54:49] Yeah, yeah. I apologize for everyone who's too turned on now because of that.

[54:53] Sir, you've been waiting patiently while Elliot sang. What's your question?

[54:58] Hi, I'm Andy. I flew in from Singapore. I'm just here for a couple of days.

[55:03] Thanks for flying in. I assume just for this show and you fly out tomorrow.

[55:07] Exactly. I used to have a very vested interest in sex toys and I want to know what...

[55:15] It's that kind of night, everybody.

[55:17] What are the best sex toys in movies that you've seen?

[55:24] The best sex toys in movies. Hello?

[55:27] Okay, wait. I had a problem with the mic for a second, but now it's back.

[55:31] Best sex toys in movies. You guys have seen Seven, right?

[55:35] Well, no, not that one. Not that one. Not that one.

[55:42] Is this in mainstream films or in pornographic films?

[55:47] Yeah, I've seen sex toys in certain films that I have watched primarily on my computer, but I don't know about mainstream films.

[55:57] I've seen them primarily sometimes on a Jumbotron.

[56:01] Sometimes I want to share the experience with others.

[56:05] Yeah, you know, a power glove can be a sex toy from the movie The Wizard, if you're using it right.

[56:14] I don't know. I don't know.

[56:17] Someone shouted out Sleeper for what's it called? The Orgasmatron or something?

[56:21] I don't know if I'd call that a sex toy so much as a sex booth.

[56:24] It's a little big and expensive to call a toy.

[56:27] And I think somebody also shouted out the pie from American Pie, I'm assuming.

[56:33] That's mine. I'll take that one.

[56:36] Certainly tastes good.

[56:38] That's as good an answer as any. All right. Thank you for that question. Stumped us.

[56:42] It's a little blue. A little blue.

[56:46] Kyle, last name withheld.

[56:48] Hi, Kyle. Katarn, I'm assuming.

[56:50] Star Wars. That's not Shadow. That's fucking Dash Rendar, dude.

[56:55] I have to call it out because I feel like you've already made that joke for a Kyle.

[57:00] Go on. Your question.

[57:02] I recently re-listened to the last Airbender episode, which is a really bad movie based on a really good franchise.

[57:07] So I was wondering if you've ever seen a bad movie based on a franchise that even though you didn't like the movie,

[57:12] you were still interested to check out what the franchise was about.

[57:15] Hmm. I feel like, it's not a, I guess it's kind of a franchise, but like when I saw Dune as a kid,

[57:24] I was like, I don't know what's happening in this movie, but I want to read this book real bad.

[57:30] And I liked it a lot.

[57:34] That's a good question.

[57:40] I can talk about Dune some more.

[57:42] It's weird how much of the Flophouse has become a Dune podcast.

[57:49] That's why.

[57:52] I mean, there's movies like The Mask that I was like, I'm kind of interested in reading the source material.

[57:59] What's going on here? But I guess that was a good, great movie because it gave culture so many great lines

[58:06] like smoking and all the other fucking bullshit.

[58:08] Somebody stop me.

[58:10] Contributed Cameron Diaz to the world.

[58:13] And a dog with a mask on, like totally P's on dudes.

[58:18] I think that's, I think I have a theme tonight where I'm talking about pee pee.

[58:27] Dan, Hallie.

[58:29] I'm not, I'm, I don't even have an answer to this question because I don't really understand it.

[58:33] Dan, is there some like manga you want to read because you love the anime so much or didn't care for it?

[58:41] Yeah, let's say that. Let's move on.

[58:43] Okay, next question.

[58:50] Hey, dudes. Hey, Hallie.

[58:53] I'm a dude.

[58:55] Excuse me.

[58:59] I love how everything I say is like automatically feminist.

[59:03] Weirdest feminist rallying cry.

[59:06] Ladies can be dudes too.

[59:08] I am a big fan of The Flophouse, but I'm also a big fan of your work as the Hogsbottom Three.

[59:13] Oh, thank you.

[59:18] Stuart Wellington's baby.

[59:20] I'm hoping to start up a D&D podcast of my own and I'm wondering if you have advice for how to keep a D&D podcast entertaining and not a lot of math.

[59:29] Stuart.

[59:31] Yeah, I mean, I think a lot of that falls on the Dungeon Master.

[59:35] Obviously, your players could spend the whole time jibber jabbering and hanging out in the bar the whole time.

[59:43] I would say for like a, wow.

[59:47] A very loud refrigeration unit of some kind.

[59:51] From a practical standpoint, I would say if you're going to be the Dungeon Master, just roll a, sit by yourself and roll a 20-sided die a bunch of times.

[1:00:00] record all the results, then take that piece of paper and use it on air so you don't actually

[1:00:04] have to roll the dice every time. It cuts down quite a bit.

[1:00:08] Good answer, good answer. Okay, next question. That's a real, like a genuine nuts and bolts

[1:00:12] answer. Yeah.

[1:00:13] I know, right?

[1:00:14] Thank you.

[1:00:15] Hi, my name is Matt, last name withheld. I drove up from North Carolina. I just wanted

[1:00:19] to shout out.

[1:00:20] Whoa.

[1:00:21] Whoa.

[1:00:22] Oh no, Singapore and Spain.

[1:00:23] Whoa.

[1:00:24] We got it.

[1:00:25] I'm just saying this because the New York MaxFun group is like amazing and we want to

[1:00:27] like destroy them at some point, but it's going to be a couple of years.

[1:00:31] It's amazing. I must destroy them.

[1:00:33] Yeah.

[1:00:34] Is this raw all of a sudden where you're like, hey guys, I know you're doing something, but

[1:00:38] check out on Thursday, we're going to be doing, having this fight.

[1:00:41] Hate me, hate me.

[1:00:44] So my question is, so the first movie is pretty much, it's like Anastasia and Christian and

[1:00:49] her roommate, like a little bit in the beginning, but this movie introduced a number of characters

[1:00:53] that were kind of affecting Christian's life and Anastasia's life. Which of those characters

[1:00:58] would you like to see in either like a David Fincher, Darren Aronofsky movie that was just

[1:01:03] about their life and all the weird fucked up shit that happened to them since they met

[1:01:07] Anastasia or Christian? Because there's so much baggage there for every one of them that

[1:01:11] shows up.

[1:01:12] I have an answer immediately.

[1:01:13] Okay.

[1:01:14] All right. You know the scene where Anastasia has gotten the promotion and then the woman

[1:01:19] who has worked at that company for way longer comes in and she's like, yeah. And she's like,

[1:01:27] oh, how does this work? I guess, I guess I'm your assistant now. And she's like, listen,

[1:01:32] I don't know. Let's just play it by ear. Don't get coffee for me unless you're getting coffee

[1:01:37] for yourself.

[1:01:38] Yeah. Because she's quoting, she's quoting her mom's movie, Working Girl.

[1:01:42] Oh, well I didn't get that.

[1:01:45] No, no. I have to, when I was watching, I was like, they just stole from Working Girl.

[1:01:50] Oh, yes, of course. Okay. Now I get it. But anyway, further. Okay. That's awesome. Thank you. Thank you guys.

[1:01:59] But beyond that, life is really fucked up for that woman who like should have gotten

[1:02:06] the promotion.

[1:02:07] To be very honest, Anastasia had a great couple of weeks at the office.

[1:02:12] Yeah. So I would like to see the story of her because she's hot. She's been there longer.

[1:02:19] Her name is Anna, or her name is Hannah versus Anna, which they called her at the office.

[1:02:26] No, yeah, this is, I'll watch this movie.

[1:02:29] All good stuff.

[1:02:30] Yeah.

[1:02:31] Yeah, stop getting mad, Hallie.

[1:02:34] I would like to see, I'd like to see a movie about Christian's, is she a maid or?

[1:02:40] I think she's his assistant, but I don't know.

[1:02:42] I mean the stuff she's seen.

[1:02:44] Yeah.

[1:02:45] When she cleans out that shower that I'm assuming squirts out lube instead of water.

[1:02:52] It's like the girl with this not quite dragon tattoo, but pretty cool tattoo, but you're never going to see it.

[1:02:58] Yeah, I think that's right. I don't quite know what you mean, but let's go.

[1:03:03] I think that's a good answer. We should move on to the next question.

[1:03:06] Good answers. Good answers. Good questions. Good answers. That's the Flophouse way. Yes?

[1:03:11] Hi, guys. So my question is in the spirit of this franchise, what is your favorite most awkward or unconvincing sex scene in all of movies?

[1:03:20] Oh, there's so many.

[1:03:23] Well, you have one, Stuart, from your least favorite movie of all time, right?

[1:03:26] I mean, there is a scene in the worst movie of all time where the, give me one second.

[1:03:36] Name it.

[1:03:37] Name it.

[1:03:38] Do you remember the name?

[1:03:40] It's flopped right out of my head.

[1:03:41] It's got a number of days.

[1:03:43] And a number of nights.

[1:03:45] 40 days and 40 nights, guys. I did it.

[1:03:50] We got there together as a team.

[1:03:53] So in this movie, there's a scene where Josh Hartnett, abstaining from sex for length, like you do, premarital sex.

[1:04:02] If he got married during the course of the movie, I guess he could have sex. That's fine.

[1:04:07] But he brings Shannon Sasamond to climax by blowing flower petals across her tummy, which, dude, that counts as sex.

[1:04:19] Like a rose by any other name.

[1:04:23] Literally, because roses have petals.

[1:04:26] Did I vamp long enough?

[1:04:27] Yeah, no, that was good.

[1:04:28] Okay, cool.

[1:04:29] I just want to shout out to all of the Cinemax and Showtime movies where people are supposedly having sex.

[1:04:37] And they do it in such a way where they contort.

[1:04:40] Their hand is always in front.

[1:04:41] Their hand is always over the penetration area.

[1:04:44] And they appear to be having sex with the woman's navel.

[1:04:48] That's what I was going to say.

[1:04:51] That's led to some awkward moments for you, I'd imagine.

[1:04:54] Yeah.

[1:04:55] I'm like, no, I think you do it like this.

[1:04:58] This doesn't seem to be going anywhere, guys.

[1:05:00] TV told me.

[1:05:01] I'm supposed to put my hand here.

[1:05:03] I don't know why.

[1:05:07] Hallie, do you have one or should we move on?

[1:05:09] Let's move on.

[1:05:10] Okay, good question.

[1:05:12] Thanks for coming.

[1:05:15] Okay.

[1:05:16] Hi, Brian, last name withheld.

[1:05:19] Why is everyone so embarrassed about being a fan of your show?

[1:05:25] Well, it's a weird show, Hallie.

[1:05:27] Were you listening?

[1:05:28] Were you listening to our show?

[1:05:32] No one wants their name on record as a fan.

[1:05:35] Everyone in line is like, think of a fake name.

[1:05:37] Think of a fake name.

[1:05:39] Anastasia, last name withheld.

[1:05:42] I'm Skeet.

[1:05:43] I'm Skeet Ulrich, if anyone asks.

[1:05:46] The other guy took Skeet.

[1:05:47] I can't say that.

[1:05:49] I'll be Street.

[1:05:51] Boy, that's not even a name.

[1:05:53] What other movies have examples of really shitty sex music that stand out to you?

[1:05:58] Obviously, it's Watchmen, dude.

[1:06:04] That's the most obvious one.

[1:06:06] Hallelujah.

[1:06:07] Fuck off.

[1:06:11] So I already went, dude.

[1:06:12] Yeah, I'm not going to be able to think of that.

[1:06:14] I mean, then I'd have to go to the Skinamax well again.

[1:06:16] Yeah, no, that's what I was thinking, yeah.

[1:06:18] Although, if there's a soundtrack album of the songs they play on those, I want to find out so I can buy it for Dan for his birthday.

[1:06:26] I would hate it.

[1:06:27] Like, somebody could play that and I would see Dan start getting flustered.

[1:06:31] He's like, loosening his collar.

[1:06:34] I've already revealed too much about myself, but there is a song.

[1:06:38] No, guys.

[1:06:41] Here it comes.

[1:06:42] Just be ready for this.

[1:06:43] Somebody close that door.

[1:06:45] In these Skinamax movies, there's a song that is used over and over and over again.

[1:06:51] It's clearly like some company bought it for their library.

[1:06:55] These are different movies, right?

[1:06:57] Not the same movie.

[1:06:58] These are different movies.

[1:06:59] And the TV shows, right?

[1:07:01] They're all essentially the same production companies in the same bed.

[1:07:03] And they always have this song that goes,

[1:07:05] I want your love.

[1:07:07] I've got to have it.

[1:07:09] I need your love.

[1:07:11] I've got to have it.

[1:07:15] I've done karaoke with Dan, like, a lot.

[1:07:18] And he always does that song.

[1:07:26] Good question.

[1:07:27] Good question.

[1:07:29] Hi, I'm Erica.

[1:07:30] Hi, Erica.

[1:07:31] Hi.

[1:07:32] So, Elliot, you said earlier that this movie would make a lot more sense

[1:07:36] if Christian Grey was a vampire.

[1:07:38] Yes.

[1:07:39] My understanding is that it actually started out as some kind of Twilight fan fiction.

[1:07:44] It was Twilight fan fiction.

[1:07:46] And once you think about that while you're watching it,

[1:07:48] you're like, oh, I get it.

[1:07:52] He's a vampire.

[1:07:53] Right?

[1:07:54] Yeah.

[1:07:55] So I wanted to know if there was any other exciting fan fiction, erotic or otherwise,

[1:08:00] that you would really like to see turned into a series of movies.

[1:08:04] I mean, some would say that many of the comic books produced today

[1:08:08] are just fan fiction with official inferior honor.

[1:08:10] But I wouldn't say that.

[1:08:12] I wouldn't say that.

[1:08:16] Oh, lordy, that Xander Cage fan fiction.

[1:08:22] Is there something that more than meets the eye about this young lady

[1:08:26] hanging out with Xander Cage, Elliot?

[1:08:28] Ah, we'll have to read the story.

[1:08:30] You'll have to read the story.

[1:08:31] Sorry to find out.

[1:08:32] I'm going to use my screenplay adapted from that short story.

[1:08:36] I guess I don't know fan fiction well enough.

[1:08:39] Hallie, you write a lot of it, right?

[1:08:41] But it's mostly about people you know?

[1:08:43] Yeah.

[1:08:44] It's about you and Care Bears.

[1:08:48] You have people she knows.

[1:08:49] Two things I know.

[1:08:55] But it's really romantic, right?

[1:08:56] It's not really the sex that you're interested in.

[1:08:59] No, it's not romantic.

[1:09:00] It's dirty.

[1:09:01] Okay.

[1:09:03] It's a new meaning to the word care.

[1:09:06] Man, but I don't know.

[1:09:07] That's a good question.

[1:09:08] We're going to have to do some research

[1:09:09] and get back to you on that one.

[1:09:11] Next question.

[1:09:12] Okay, this question is for Dan.

[1:09:13] Is Jackie Chan in this movie?

[1:09:18] It's a good question, dude.

[1:09:20] Can you answer this?

[1:09:23] So, okay.

[1:09:25] He was in Mr. Nice Guy.

[1:09:28] He was in Rumble in the Bronx.

[1:09:31] He was in Police Story.

[1:09:35] I think Jackie Chan was not in this movie.

[1:09:40] Okay.

[1:09:42] Yes.

[1:09:45] Good job, dude.

[1:09:46] Mine's not going to be as funny as that.

[1:09:48] Will, last name with L, hyphen last name with L.

[1:09:52] A hyphenated last name with L.

[1:09:54] There's a story behind that.

[1:09:57] Yes.

[1:09:58] For different amounts of time.

[1:10:00] So you guys have talked on the show about actors who are good to great actors, like

[1:10:06] Idris Elba, who either out of shitty decisions or financial necessity always end up in bad

[1:10:12] movies.

[1:10:13] Who are bad actors you think constantly end up in good movies, otherwise good movies?

[1:10:19] Ooh, time to burn some ridges.

[1:10:24] I mean, there's a certain actor who I'm not a fan of, who has been on the skids a

[1:10:29] little bit, but for a while he was in everything.

[1:10:32] I don't want to give away who he is, but his name rhymes with La Ruff.

[1:10:37] His name rhymes with Nia La Ruff.

[1:10:40] And for a while he was in every single movie, and I was like, he's fine.

[1:10:44] Why is he in every movie?

[1:10:45] And then I remember talking to a co-worker of mine who was a girl, or a lady, and she

[1:10:48] was like, oh, you don't get it.

[1:10:51] And I do not.

[1:10:56] You know, I think, I can't think of, I think of more like actors that keep getting miscast.

[1:11:02] Like there was a period of time where Colin Farrell, who I think is very good in certain

[1:11:06] things, they kept putting him as like the bad-ass lead in an action movie, and I'm like,

[1:11:11] I don't want to see that, dude.

[1:11:14] But he has a pretty good range, and he's a good actor, just not in that, man.

[1:11:18] But I thought he was good in the, you know.

[1:11:26] He was great in, you know.

[1:11:27] Yeah.

[1:11:28] You know, the season two of True Detective, right?

[1:11:32] What are you talking about?

[1:11:34] I mean.

[1:11:35] That was his thing that he was really good at for me.

[1:11:44] Really?

[1:11:45] Yeah.

[1:11:46] That was like the one thing he was good at.

[1:11:47] Not like in Bruges, or?

[1:11:48] No.

[1:11:49] The lobster he's great in?

[1:11:52] Fuck the lobster, dude.

[1:11:53] Yeah.

[1:11:54] Fuck the lobster!

[1:11:55] Fuck the lobster!

[1:11:56] Do you?

[1:11:57] Yeah.

[1:11:58] I don't like the lobster either.

[1:11:59] I don't like the lobster.

[1:12:00] Oh my God, we gotta talk about this.

[1:12:01] Everybody's like, oh my God, this is so interesting.

[1:12:02] It's like, oh my God, it's about online dating.

[1:12:06] It's like a cultural, like, commentary on online dating.

[1:12:09] Yeah.

[1:12:10] That's what it's about.

[1:12:11] I didn't take that from him.

[1:12:12] We're going to have to have a long lobster conversation later over lobster.

[1:12:17] I'm a vegetarian.

[1:12:19] Oh.

[1:12:20] Well, you can, I'll stuff your lobster shell full of broccoli.

[1:12:23] Dan, do you want to talk shit about any actors?

[1:12:25] Uh, I don't know.

[1:12:28] All the people I can think of are just like...

[1:12:30] Dan's like, I like all the actors.

[1:12:32] No, it's just like, it's not worth it.

[1:12:34] Like, I don't know.

[1:12:35] There's people like Henry Cavill, who has shown up in bad movies, but then is like,

[1:12:39] now he's Superman.

[1:12:40] And it's just like, all right, you know, you're Superman, I guess you're Superman.

[1:12:45] There's a, there's a, there's a trend in Hollywood.

[1:12:47] That's Dan being excited.

[1:12:49] Yeah.

[1:12:50] There's a trend in Hollywood for what I would call uninteresting faces.

[1:12:54] Just kind of like the same handsome face.

[1:12:57] And I kind of miss more interesting faces.

[1:12:59] In the silent era, it was all about faces.

[1:13:02] Let me take you back to a magical time.

[1:13:04] No, no, no, no.

[1:13:06] We're going way over time.

[1:13:08] But I feel like we should get through these three last questions.

[1:13:12] Hi.

[1:13:13] I'm Artemis Maximus.

[1:13:15] And I will not withhold anything.

[1:13:17] I'm actually in BDSM.

[1:13:19] Cool.

[1:13:21] Off the Cuffs podcast, if I can give a plug.

[1:13:25] Okay.

[1:13:26] We'll charge you later.

[1:13:28] People that are actually that I know in BDSM hate these movies because they're so misrepresentative.

[1:13:34] So I was wondering if there are any movies that you guys hate because they're misrepresentative

[1:13:40] of things you enjoy or things you do or anything like that.

[1:13:45] Hmm.

[1:13:46] I mean.

[1:13:47] You know, you guys always talk about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip as being the most accurate

[1:13:51] show about TV gossip.

[1:13:52] Yeah.

[1:13:53] I've gone from hating it to loving it.

[1:13:54] When it was a television show on the air, I was like, oh, I hate it.

[1:13:57] But now that it's dead, I'm like, oh, I love it now because it's harmless to me.

[1:14:01] The same way that, like, if there's a serial killer who's around now, this is terrifying.

[1:14:06] But there's something about old timey serial killers or criminals where you're like, well,

[1:14:09] that's interesting.

[1:14:10] You know.

[1:14:11] What a scam.

[1:14:12] Can't hurt me now.

[1:14:13] Yeah.

[1:14:14] What a rascal.

[1:14:15] So you're telling me that in all your time as head writer of The Daily Show with Jon

[1:14:18] Stewart and head writer of Mystery Science Theater, Three Thousand, The Return, there

[1:14:25] is no time where there was not a gaggle of people outside your office waiting for you

[1:14:31] to come out so you could give them your signature?

[1:14:33] Nope.

[1:14:34] That never happens.

[1:14:36] I mean, if it was a really accurate show, then the character would be all stressed out

[1:14:40] all week, rushing to make something done.

[1:14:43] And then he'd go to some kind of function that his parents' friends are at.

[1:14:47] And then he'd tell them what he's working on and they'd be like, eh, I mean, I don't

[1:14:50] know what that is and it doesn't sound interesting to me.

[1:14:53] Like, why don't you work on, like, CSI?

[1:14:59] That would be the experience.

[1:15:00] Yeah, yeah.

[1:15:01] But no, we, you know, we don't live in the magical universe they created where sketch

[1:15:05] comedy is the highest and most popular form of entertainment.

[1:15:09] The head writer is the biggest star and conservative Christians hate it.

[1:15:13] What are you going to do?

[1:15:15] It's a beautiful world we'll never live in.

[1:15:17] You know, for a little, I don't dislike it because it's totally inaccurate, but there's

[1:15:22] that Ryan Reynolds comedy Waiting about people who work in a restaurant together.

[1:15:28] And I mainly don't like it because there was a period of time where everybody I talked

[1:15:32] to when I was, I think it was when I was working at Bob Evans or shortly after, people were

[1:15:37] like, oh, you've got to watch this movie.

[1:15:38] You're really going to love it.

[1:15:41] And when I was working for Games Workshop, like, multiple dudes got fired for doing pranks

[1:15:46] based on that movie.

[1:15:47] Like, what's wrong with you, dude?

[1:15:50] I thought you were going to say that Tom Hanks movie where Dungeons and Dragons drives them

[1:15:54] crazy.

[1:15:55] Mazes and Monsters.

[1:15:56] Mazes and Monsters.

[1:15:58] Yeah, that shit's real fake.

[1:16:04] Doesn't ever happen.

[1:16:07] Next question, please.

[1:16:08] Thank you for that one.

[1:16:10] Hello.

[1:16:12] My name is James Lundin.

[1:16:13] I'm a big fan of the show.

[1:16:14] Oh, thanks.

[1:16:16] Thanks for coming.

[1:16:17] My question is, what is your favorite PG-13 or lower movie that is appropriately or inappropriately

[1:16:23] extremely pornographic?

[1:16:25] All right.

[1:16:28] Pretty Woman.

[1:16:31] Pretty Woman.

[1:16:35] Pretty Woman is not an R movie.

[1:16:36] It's a PG-13 movie.

[1:16:37] Oh, no.

[1:16:38] Then why did my parents let me watch it?

[1:16:43] Because they were like, Hallie, we want to show you what love is like.

[1:16:49] And they did.

[1:16:52] There are two movies that involve Tonya Roberts bathing naked in rivers or pools that are

[1:16:59] PG-rated.

[1:17:00] There's two?

[1:17:01] Yeah.

[1:17:02] Beastmaster and Sheena.

[1:17:03] Oh, I forgot about Beastmaster.

[1:17:04] And both of them would play all the time on HBO.

[1:17:12] And if you were lucky, you would catch the exact right moment on them.

[1:17:16] I mean, just one of the guys is PG-13, right?

[1:17:20] It is?

[1:17:21] Yeah.

[1:17:22] I don't know.

[1:17:23] I don't know.

[1:17:24] I don't remember.

[1:17:25] It's certainly not an R.

[1:17:26] My parents also showed that to me, but I'm unmoored right now.

[1:17:30] I don't know.

[1:17:32] Maybe it's rated G?

[1:17:33] You've gone mad like a character in a band of an Edgar Allan Poe story.

[1:17:37] I don't know.

[1:17:38] Our whole relationship is a lie at this point.

[1:17:42] So for like a PG-13 like kind of sexual movie, I think I'd have to pick the Sam Raimi movie

[1:17:48] Drag Me to Hell, because there's all that barfing and gross stuff.

[1:17:52] Wait, that's sexual?

[1:17:53] Yeah, dude.

[1:17:54] I'm kind of into that stuff.

[1:17:57] There's like a demon and a gypsy lady.

[1:17:59] Nothing more sexual than you're about to eat a piece of cake and there's an eye looking

[1:18:02] at you.

[1:18:03] It's so oopy and gloopy.

[1:18:04] They should have called that movie Oopy and Gloopy, but that's the tagline, Drag Me to

[1:18:10] Hell.

[1:18:11] Oopy and Gloopy.

[1:18:12] Now, warning, a cat does die in that movie.

[1:18:15] Oh, I know.

[1:18:17] But it's like a bad cat, right?

[1:18:19] Yeah.

[1:18:20] Yeah, he has an eye patch and wears a bandana.

[1:18:24] It's not Top Cat, you know?

[1:18:26] It's not like it's...

[1:18:27] It's not Cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, you know, it's not Heathcliff.

[1:18:30] Garfield's a bad cat, so it could be Garfield.

[1:18:33] All right, everyone's getting restless.

[1:18:35] Let's get to the last question.

[1:18:36] Okay, one last question.

[1:18:37] We've got one last question, then we can send you all home to, I assume, do it like you

[1:18:41] heard about in the movie.

[1:18:43] All right, Emily, last name withheld, I would like to know what the flop house cat thought

[1:18:49] of this movie.

[1:18:50] I'll have to send him a text.

[1:18:57] Wow, he's...

[1:19:00] He's been drinking too...

[1:19:02] He didn't watch the movie at all.

[1:19:04] Okay, well, I'll have to show it to him later.

[1:19:08] What do you think he's going to say?

[1:19:09] What would you guess?

[1:19:10] You know, I think he's going to say,

[1:19:12] Buh-rawr!

[1:19:17] And I'm like, get out of here, it wasn't that good.

[1:19:21] Wait, so he's like Chewbacca when he says that, you understand it as sentences?

[1:19:25] Uh, I think Chewbacca's like him.

[1:19:33] Guys, it's been a lot of fun tonight.

[1:19:37] We appreciate everyone coming out.

[1:19:39] Elliot.

[1:19:40] Thank you for being here.

[1:19:42] Elliot, this is going to be your last live show as a full-time resident of New York.

[1:19:48] Yeah, last one of these recordings, yeah.

[1:19:52] Hey, you know what, guys?

[1:19:54] You're right.

[1:19:55] I won't move.

[1:20:00] You won me over!

[1:20:04] Dan, I'm still going to move.

[1:20:06] I know. I know.

[1:20:08] It's a bittersweet thing.

[1:20:10] It's a bittersweet symphony. That's life.

[1:20:14] I think you owe the Rolling Stones money now.

[1:20:18] But thank you guys so much for coming out.

[1:20:20] It's been a blast.

[1:20:22] You guys have been so great.

[1:20:24] Thank everyone who came to the first show too.

[1:20:26] Thanks to Hallie.

[1:20:28] Thanks for being the star of the show.

[1:20:34] Thanks to our booth crew.

[1:20:36] Thanks to everybody here at the Bell House.

[1:20:38] Thanks to the bartenders.

[1:20:40] Thanks to the security people.

[1:20:42] Thanks to the chandeliers.

[1:20:44] No, we're not good night mooning this.

[1:20:46] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:20:50] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:20:52] I've been Elliot Kalin.

[1:20:54] Somewhat sad.

[1:20:56] And I've been Hallie Haglund.

[1:21:02] Thank you everybody.

[1:21:26] Some of the more eagle-eyed people in the audience who can count have noticed that there are four chairs out here.

[1:21:36] Dan, Dan, are you implying that there are people in the audience who can't count?

[1:21:42] I'm implying that there are some non-eagle-eyed people out there.

[1:21:46] People who have not stolen an eye from an eagle and put it right in their own eye.

[1:21:50] No, you got me.

[1:21:52] I shouldn't have critiqued you.

[1:21:54] Does that work?

[1:21:56] Because my eyes are terrible.

[1:22:00] It works, but I mean, if you want to desecrate the symbol of our great nation, Elliot, just to improve your own vision, then fine.

[1:22:06] Very much so, yes.

[1:22:10] Maximumfun.org

[1:22:12] Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

[1:22:14] Listener supported.

Ep.#246 - 50 Shades Darker LIVE

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