Ep.#247 - Inconceivable

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss Inconceivable.

[0:04] The story of the making of the Princess Bride.

[0:07] You wish.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] All right, Stuart.

[0:41] I don't even know whether that got picked up on microphone because of the way we're saying,

[0:45] but...

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] Stuart opened up a can.

[0:47] Yeah.

[0:47] As Dan said that.

[0:48] Right when I was talking.

[0:49] Now, you might think it's a beer, but it's not up to LaCroix, because we're recording this

[0:52] on a Saturday morning in beautiful San Francisco in Dan's hotel room.

[0:57] Dan had to usher out a bevy of babes when we walked in.

[1:02] It was just like in RoboCop, that bitches leave scene.

[1:06] But Dan was much more respectful and polite to them.

[1:08] Yeah, it's 2017, dude.

[1:09] He said, bitches, could you kindly see yourselves to the exit?

[1:13] Okay.

[1:13] And they said, you charmer.

Dan McCoy

[1:16] Yeah, if you could see us now, we're all huddled around a tiny hotel room table.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] We're the huddled masses that the Statue of Liberty was talking about.

[1:25] Yeah.

[1:25] I guess.

[1:26] A bunch of guys in a hotel room in San Francisco.

[1:29] Three white guys who were born here.

[1:32] Yeah.

[1:35] But it's great to see you guys in the flesh again after a while.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] Yeah.

[1:40] I mean, I should probably put some clothes on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] No, no.

[1:42] I'm loving seeing all this flesh.

[1:44] Just this bare expanse of flesh.

[1:46] Mm-hmm.

[1:47] It's very Cronenbergian.

[1:49] Every now and then.

[1:49] One hair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50] You turn the heat way down here.

[1:52] So we should probably take all of our clothes off.

[1:55] Not just you.

[1:56] Because the heat that turned way down.

[1:57] Oh, so we can cure body heat.

[1:58] Yeah, so we can cure body heat.

[1:59] Yeah, yeah.

[1:59] Grab ourselves up in one of those aluminum foil blankets they sell outside of marathons.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] Yeah, be one of those snake balls in the middle of the desert where the snakes all coil together for heat.

[2:08] Is that what they're doing?

[2:09] Mm-hmm.

[2:09] I thought it was so they could, like, roll around and be faster.

[2:13] Maybe.

[2:14] I mean, in the Looney Tunes world, possibly.

[2:16] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[2:16] Mm-hmm.

[2:17] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[2:19] Well, what we do is we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:23] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] I think Dan's losing his mind.

[2:25] And what bad movie did we talk about this time, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[2:28] We watched Inconceivable because it's Cagemas.

[2:31] And this movie has Nicolas Cage in it, sort of?

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] That's right, guys.

[2:35] It's the happiest time of the year.

[2:37] Cagemas.

[2:37] The time of year when we celebrate our dear messiah, I guess you could call him, Nicolas Cage.

[2:44] Blasphemous.

[2:45] Not for me.

[2:46] I mean, I guess it is for me, too.

[2:47] Star of such films as...

[2:50] Stolen.

[2:50] Vampire's Kiss.

[2:52] And...

[2:53] The Rock.

[2:53] Stolen.

[2:54] The Rock.

[2:55] Face Off.

[2:56] Face Slash Off.

[2:58] Yeah.

[2:58] Trespass.

[2:59] Red Rock West.

[3:02] Seventh Son.

[3:03] Honeymoon in Vegas.

[3:04] Mm-hmm.

[3:05] Xander Lee.

[3:06] Yep.

[3:07] And so forth.

[3:08] Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

[3:10] I think that's the one Nicolas Cage movie no one has ever seen.

[3:14] I'm not even sure it's not just a poster.

[3:16] I just imagine that the whole thing is like, hey, that's a Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

[3:20] And it's off.

[3:22] You guys have seen my mandolin?

[3:24] It's mine.

[3:25] Captain Corelli.

[3:26] That's me.

[3:26] I hope that it opens with...

[3:27] There's a tourist goes to a junk shop in Italy and sees a mandolin and is like, oh, this

[3:33] is very nice.

Dan McCoy

[3:34] And the junk shop owner goes, ah, you found a mandolin.

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] There's a quad a tail that goes over with that instrument.

[3:41] And then he tells the story.

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] The tourist is like, uh, I'm actually more interested in that mogwai you have in a box over there.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] You don't want to feed him after a midnight, let me tell you.

[3:50] Italian gremlins.

[3:52] I wish there was a ripoff movie now called Italian Gremlins, where they go to an Italian

[3:57] junk shop in Little Italy and find this mogwai.

[4:00] Dan, uh, what would the rules be for an Italian gremlin?

[4:03] You have to feed him after midnight because Italian food's delicious.

[4:06] Yeah.

[4:07] Like, yeah, like the Billy Peltier character would be like, manja, manja.

[4:11] Don't spill olive oil on the mogwai.

[4:14] Now we're getting into racist territory, I guess.

[4:17] Or I am.

[4:18] But anyway, Italian gremlins, everybody.

[4:19] Photoshop it.

[4:20] Let's see what that would look like.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:22] So, Inconceivable.

[4:24] Is that about a gremlin?

Dan McCoy

[4:25] No, it's a, it's a, it's a thriller about conceiving.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] So, now this is listed as a Nicolas Cage movie, but it's really more of a Gina Gershon movie.

[4:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:34] Which I did not have a problem with.

Elliott Kalan

[4:36] No, no, she's great.

[4:36] As everyone knows, she's great.

[4:37] I'm a big fan.

[4:38] But the weird thing about this movie was it's kind of the photo negative of Unforgettable.

[4:44] The Katherine Heigl Rosario Dawson movie we did a few episodes ago.

Stuart Wellington

[4:47] Wait, we watched that movie?

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] I must have forgotten.

[4:50] Oh!

[4:53] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

[4:55] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

[4:57] We're all dead now.

[4:58] Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

[4:59] So, whereas Unforgettable was a movie about a normal, perfectly nice woman moving into a new family and the ex-wife becoming a murderous monster.

[5:09] Uh-huh.

[5:10] This is about a perfectly normal family with a nice wife.

[5:13] Well.

[5:14] Where a murderous monster enters in.

[5:16] Okay.

[5:16] So, let's set the scene.

[5:18] The movie begins with a number of production company logos, which is, I'm soon learning, there's two ways you can tell a low-budget movie.

[5:24] Yeah.

[5:25] One, a shit ton of production company logos.

[5:27] Uh-huh.

[5:28] There's a lot of production logos.

[5:29] You're either watching a foreign film that has been picked up for distribution in America, or you're watching a low-budget movie.

[5:34] Or, and this is the other thing, a lot of time filled with helicopter shots, which I recently learned, are just drone shots.

[5:43] You just hire a drone, and you rent it out, and just have it fly over a location, and it looks like you spent a lot of money on helicopter shots.

[5:50] You don't even have to buy the drone.

Stuart Wellington

[5:52] You can just rent it?

[5:53] Just rent it, dude.

[5:54] Just rent it.

[5:55] And, like, do they have a guy who, like, takes a walk around the drone to make sure that there's no dings and dents on it?

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] Exactly, and you have to hire a guy who's kind of like Quint from Jaws to, like, to fly the drone.

[6:06] I'll get your helicopter shots.

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] Oh, it's like when my friend got married.

[6:10] He got married in, like, a semi-traditional Indian wedding ceremony in Queens, and part of the ceremony involved my friend riding down the street in Jackson Heights on a white horse.

[6:26] And there was this fucking awesome, like, leathery, carny-type fellow who was the horse handler who was just standing there like, I don't remember him wearing a shirt underneath that vest.

[6:41] Surely he must have, right?

[6:42] He was, like, walking there, like, holding the bridle of the horse the whole way down.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] So my image now is, and I know the friend you're talking about, he is sitting on a white horse dressed in traditional Indian wedding clothing where, as Danny Trejo leads the horse down the streets of Jackson Heights wearing just a vest with no shirt underneath.

Stuart Wellington

[7:00] Yep, it was pretty great.

[7:02] And then afterwards he had to wrestle the bride's father.

[7:05] No.

[7:05] No, they did, like, a fake wrestle thing on the stairs of the temple.

[7:09] Really?

[7:09] Yeah, it was awesome.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] I've totally lost the thread of what's happening now.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] We're talking about Inconceivable.

[7:14] Oh, okay.

[7:14] So anyway, Dan, this is one of those many movies that takes place in a kind of generic, very rich, upper-middle-class house.

[7:21] Oh, okay.

[7:22] We start there in a – actually, you know what?

[7:24] We don't end up – there's a wealthy house.

[7:26] We start in a generic, upper-middle-class home where a woman is comforting a crying baby.

[7:30] She's trying – she's obviously in a hurry.

[7:32] She's trying to escape before a man comes home.

[7:34] We're led to believe it's her husband.

[7:35] She's too late.

[7:36] He shows up and goes, what are you doing?

Stuart Wellington

[7:38] He seems angry, and I'm assuming because she's wearing a very obvious dark-haired wig the whole time.

[7:44] It doesn't help that she's wearing a wig.

[7:46] She's wearing a wig, and she's wearing a baby in a baby Bjorn as if it's, like, a bulletproof vest.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] He starts strangling her, and she stabs him, and the baby's crying the whole time.

[7:55] And she's stabbing him out with a crying baby strapped to her chest, which is hard to do.

[7:59] And he dies, and she goes, what have I done?

[8:01] Cut to, Nicolas Cage is jogging.

[8:04] Oh, yeah.

[8:05] He stops by – he walks past his motorcycle parked outside of his palatial mansion.

[8:11] And his wife –

Stuart Wellington

[8:11] It hovers on the Harley Davidson logo on the motorcycle, and you're like, they paid for this to be the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:19] And it's also like, you're like, can't wait to see Nick Cage chase someone on that chopper, on that hog.

[8:24] Never happens.

Dan McCoy

[8:25] Harley Davidson's like, we could put our Harley Davidson in The Avengers, or we could do it in Inconceivable.

[8:32] No, here's –

[8:32] I think Inconceivable's gonna be the big hit this year.

Elliott Kalan

[8:35] Yeah, that's –

Dan McCoy

[8:36] Those were their two options.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] They were like, Marlboro Man, which of the big movies is gonna be – it's gonna be bigger, Avengers or Inconceivable?

[8:43] And Marlboro Man was like, Harley Davidson, put it into the Inconceivable movie.

[8:47] Nobody's gonna want to watch a superhero movie.

[8:48] Really?

[8:49] Because Captain America rides a motorcycle.

[8:51] It's kind of an organic, perfect – like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] Don't do that.

[8:55] Inconceivable.

[8:56] Wait, he rides an organic motorcycle?

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] Yeah, because it's made out of cable or something.

[9:00] Yeah, that's cool.

[9:02] Not cable the superhero who's made out of techno-organic metal.

[9:04] Yeah.

[9:04] Not it.

[9:05] It's not made out of, like, that gold mobile fidelity cable.

Stuart Wellington

[9:08] Yeah, you don't think that's why those are expensive when you buy them from a Radio Shack, right?

[9:11] It's because they're made out of, like, human body parts.

[9:13] Yeah, because you gotta grow them.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] Yeah.

[9:14] I thought it was that Captain America videodrome crossover that we –

Elliott Kalan

[9:18] Oh, finally.

[9:18] That we've all been wanting.

[9:19] Yeah.

[9:19] Anyway, Nicolas Cage and his wife, Gina Gershon, they're both doctors, although she is a stay-at-home mom now who used to be a doctor and misses her career.

[9:27] That motorcycle is there because I assume Nicolas Cage – they had a car for his character driving.

[9:31] He said, no, no, no, no.

[9:32] My character rides a motorcycle.

[9:34] I'll just bring mine in.

[9:35] His character, Brian.

[9:36] Yeah.

[9:37] He walks in.

[9:38] You say that as if that's a ridiculous thing.

Stuart Wellington

[9:39] There is no world where Nicolas Cage is named Brian.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] There's also no world, according to this movie, where Nicolas Cage brushes his hair.

[9:48] It's like they paid him so little that they're not even willing – he's not even willing to brush his hair for the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[9:53] He's about to power up and reach his final form, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[9:58] The man is aging, so I don't want to make fun of him.

[10:00] Nicolas Cage.

[10:01] Nicolas Cage does not look well in this movie, I don't think.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] No, and he's very – he's very – shot in a very non-complementary way.

[10:08] No, no.

[10:09] Not flattering.

[10:09] It's a very unflattering photography for almost everybody in the movie.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:13] Gina Gershon is a beautiful woman, and the movie does not shoot her particularly flattering.

[10:16] No.

[10:17] But –

[10:17] Faye Dunaway looks great.

[10:19] Actually, Faye Dunaway does look great in this movie, but we'll get to Faye Dunaway.

[10:22] Anyway, they're both doctors.

[10:24] They have a beautiful life with their young daughter.

[10:26] Uh-huh.

[10:26] And they – and every scene with Nicolas Cage, he's discussing like – you have to assume he's just ad-libbing,

[10:32] so there's a point where he's just talking about Purple Rain for some reason and how it's about being a dad.

Stuart Wellington

[10:37] But anyway –

[10:38] Yeah, that's true.

[10:41] Wait, are you saying that wasn't written into the script?

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] I don't believe it.

[10:44] The same way – I remember when The Rock came out, Nicolas Cage was like, I brought a lot to the character.

[10:49] Like, it was my idea that he's a big Beatles fan.

[10:51] It's like, all right, really informed the character name.

Dan McCoy

[10:53] Yeah, also like, the biggest man in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] Yeah.

[10:57] That's going to tell who he is.

[10:58] I gave him this unique thing of liking the only band that everybody in the world likes.

[11:03] Yeah.

[11:04] Gina Gershon again.

[11:05] It's your classic family.

[11:06] Two doctors.

[11:07] One is now stay-at-home mom, miss her work.

[11:09] The other is a motorcycle-riding Prince fan.

[11:12] And at a park, Gina is hanging out with another – with, I guess, her trainer or –

[11:17] Trainer best friend.

[11:19] Who runs a Mommy and Me class.

[11:21] Uh-huh.

[11:21] And the trainer who's –

Dan McCoy

[11:22] She's like apparently like a wrestler, like a female wrestler in her other –

[11:27] I totally buy that because she does not look like a regular human being at all.

Elliott Kalan

[11:31] No, she doesn't.

[11:32] See, her friend who is a busty fitness trainer introduces her to Katie, another mom at the

[11:38] park.

[11:38] And they end up –

Stuart Wellington

[11:40] She looks pretty familiar to – she looks pretty similar to the woman in that opening,

[11:44] cold open scene.

[11:45] No, but she's blonde.

[11:46] Yeah, she isn't wearing a wig.

Elliott Kalan

[11:48] So it can't be the same person.

[11:50] It can't be.

[11:50] Because the woman in the opening scene was obviously –

[11:52] Was wearing a wig.

[11:53] Was wearing a scheitel.

[11:54] As an Orthodox Jewish woman who did not want her hair to arouse men.

[11:58] And that's why it's such a bad wig because scheitels tend not to be the best wigs.

[12:02] Do you think that leads a lot of men to having weird scheitel fetishes?

[12:07] Oh, for sure.

[12:08] There must be so many Orthodox men who get turned on by very fake-looking wigs.

[12:12] Or non-Orthodox men.

[12:13] Or non-Orthodox men who live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, or other heavily Orthodox areas.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] This woman, by the way, played by Nikki Whalen.

[12:21] Yeah, yeah.

[12:21] Now, who's Nikki Whalen?

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] She was his co-star in Left Behind, right?

[12:25] Was she?

[12:26] Yeah.

[12:26] Oh, was she?

[12:26] According to IMDb.

[12:27] Oh, I remember that character, yeah.

[12:29] I mean, they don't have any scenes together in Left Behind, right?

[12:31] Or maybe they have one or two.

[12:31] No, I thought she was like –

[12:32] She's the pilot and she's the passenger, right?

[12:34] No, I thought she was the – isn't she the woman –

[12:36] Is she the flight attendant he's having an affair with?

[12:38] I think that's it.

[12:39] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[12:40] I remember so much more about Left Behind than it was.

[12:43] IMDb also mentioned that the director really wanted her role to be played by Lindsay Lohan.

[12:51] Wow.

[12:52] I'm surprised they couldn't get her.

Dan McCoy

[12:54] She's busy being like a Turkish prostitute, which I guess is what she does now.

[12:58] Wait, what?

[12:58] What?

[13:00] There's rumors that Lindsay Lohan is now like a high-priced call girl.

[13:04] Did you – what?

[13:05] Are you watching a lot of TMZ?

[13:06] I get this from –

[13:07] Turkish MZ.

[13:09] I get this from my coworker, Elliot's former coworker, Lauren Sarver Means, who is plugged

[13:14] into all sorts of –

[13:16] She does know that stuff.

[13:17] Celebrity gossip.

Elliott Kalan

[13:18] Yeah.

[13:18] She is the only person I know who is on top of what the teens are into and has also dog-walk-stalked

[13:24] Dana Perino from Central Park in New York.

[13:26] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[13:27] I mean, I think – I'm guessing what happened was that the director wanted it and the financiers

[13:32] were like, she's unreliable.

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] Let's ask Paul Schrader how his shooting experience with her went.

[13:40] Now, Paul Schrader, you're a crazy person.

[13:42] And you had trouble working with Lindsay Lohan?

[13:44] Yes, I did.

[13:45] All right.

[13:45] So we'll just set you aside.

[13:48] Anyway.

[13:49] But so she's introduced to her.

[13:50] This chance meetup that I guess is not a chance meetup because the fitness trainer wanted

[13:55] to introduce the two of them.

[13:56] Yeah.

[13:56] It's introduced as if they ran into each other in the park.

[13:58] This turns into a mommy hangout slash play date where the mommies are drinking wine while

[14:02] the kids are playing and everybody passes out asleep by the time Nicolas Cage comes up.

[14:07] There's a gas leak, right?

[14:08] Yeah.

[14:08] That's what it looks like.

Dan McCoy

[14:09] Some of the most robotic dialogue too.

[14:11] I love it.

[14:11] Like beep boop does not come to you.

Stuart Wellington

[14:14] That trainer's dialogue feels like we've described dialogue like this before, but it feels like

[14:19] it was originally English and then they translated it into Russian and then they translated it

[14:25] back to English and like she had to read it backwards and then they just played it forward.

[14:29] It's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] I mean, she's essentially a plot device with boobs.

[14:32] So a lot of her dialogue is just moving things along.

[14:35] But yeah, it does feel like it was written by someone who English is not even their fourth

[14:41] language.

[14:41] Oh, it's so good.

[14:42] You look at what Joseph Conrad, where English was I think his third language, it was capable

[14:47] of with writing in English, beautiful writing, really getting to the heart of what it means

[14:51] to be a man in conflict with both the sea and also with imperialism, but also beholden

[14:57] to imperialism.

[14:58] And you compare that to the script.

[14:59] I guess what I'm saying is the screenplay to Inconceivable does not reach the heights

[15:02] of Joseph Conrad's work in Nostromo or Jim.

[15:06] But what are you going to do?

[15:07] You know?

[15:08] Now, let me just say one thing.

[15:10] It seems very unrealistic that two women with kids would suddenly meet at the park and become

[15:15] best friends.

[15:16] This is not unrealistic, as I've learned.

[15:18] The way to get any woman's phone number...

[15:21] And guys, listen to this, okay?

[15:23] Here's the secret.

[15:24] If you want to get the game, the way to get any woman's phone number is to be a mom with

[15:28] a kid and for that woman also to be a mom with a kid.

Dan McCoy

[15:31] Well, it's a big commitment, but I guess I'll do it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] Dan, you need you to transition and get a child.

[15:36] Yeah.

[15:36] All right.

[15:36] Because I've seen my wife get the digits of so many random women just because they happen

[15:41] to have kids also.

[15:42] And they're looking...

[15:43] Everyone's trolling for playdates.

[15:44] Let's just say what it is.

[15:46] All moms are pimps for playdates for their kids.

[15:48] Okay.

[15:49] Let's just say it how it is.

[15:50] Let's not mince words.

[15:52] My wife is always, like, checking out other moms and their kids to see if it's proper for my son.

[15:55] I feel like we stumbled into a goddamn Dana Carvey bit.

[15:58] And then the church lady walks in.

[16:01] Oh, no.

[16:02] I was about to say, that's not right.

[16:03] That's Kevin Meany.

[16:04] Rest in peace.

[16:05] That's not Dana Carvey.

[16:06] Anyway, Katie is the mother of this other girl that has now become Gina Gershon's best

[16:14] friend in an hour.

[16:15] And as soon as Nicolas Cage goes to bed, Katie's ice blue eyes open.

[16:20] Uh-oh.

[16:21] The next morning...

Stuart Wellington

[16:21] Yeah, wait.

[16:22] Were her eyes not blue before?

Elliott Kalan

[16:24] They were not.

Stuart Wellington

[16:25] So she took her colored contacts out?

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] No, she has...

[16:28] Is she on the fucking spice?

[16:29] She has...

[16:29] Well, I think it's a combination of blue contacts, which we see her putting in later, and she's

[16:34] a spice addict.

[16:34] Yeah.

[16:34] Okay, that makes sense.

[16:35] And she can reshape space and time.

[16:37] I mean, the fact is, she might not be an addict.

[16:39] She may just have grown up on Arrakis, and there's so much spice in the atmosphere that

[16:43] you become addicted to it.

[16:44] Yeah, no, I get it.

[16:45] And your eyes turn blue.

[16:46] Product of environment.

[16:48] The next morning, they find that Katie has made breakfast for everybody.

[16:51] She also turns out to be a master.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] That's why I never see her go to the bathroom, too, because she's always going in the

[16:54] still suit and drinking it.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] Yeah.

[16:56] She appears to be a master face painter and a professional house painter, but what she

[17:00] really wants to paint is murals for kids' bedrooms.

[17:03] And by murals, I mean the same fucking mural of the African savanna with one big tree in

[17:08] it that we see her paint in several different rooms throughout the course of the film and

[17:13] becomes a clue later on.

[17:14] It's like, lady, if you want to cover your tracks, learn how to paint a second mural.

[17:18] That's all I'm going to say.

Stuart Wellington

[17:19] Maybe she saw it in like a dream quest or something.

Elliott Kalan

[17:23] She also hates having her photo taken, which is always a sign of someone with nothing to

[17:27] hide.

[17:28] Now, Nicolas Cage gets a little fun micro speech about mowing lawns.

[17:32] Another, I assume, Cage ad lib, as they have one of several big...

[17:35] I could mow a lawn for hours.

[17:38] Great.

[17:39] Great impression.

[17:40] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[17:40] I thought you were Sean Connery for a second.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Maybe Robert Sean.

Stuart Wellington

[17:43] I found the cure for mowing lawns and I lost it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:47] Like you eat a peach?

[17:49] The cure is to plant natural plants that are drought resistant and you have mostly pebbles

[17:56] instead of grass.

[17:57] You never have to mow it.

[17:58] Occasionally, you bring in a garden or to clip it.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] Which one's that?

[18:01] Which is that, Nicolas Cage?

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] I'm not sure anymore.

[18:04] Well, it's me, Jimmy Stewart.

[18:06] I found the cure for cancer, but I lost it.

[18:09] Okay.

[18:09] Is that about lawns?

[18:11] I'm broke, I'm here, having lost the cure for cancer.

[18:15] Anyway, that's me.

[18:16] If you want to invite me to impersonate any of these people at an event, please don't.

[18:22] I'm not that good at it.

[18:24] I would end up giving you your money back.

[18:26] So this is one of...

[18:27] We see one of several large outdoor family backyard lunches, which are attended by Faye

[18:32] Dunaway, Nicolas Cage's mother, in the movie.

[18:34] Not in real life, guys.

[18:35] Come on.

[18:36] Or else his name would be Nicolas Dunaway.

[18:38] And Faye Dunaway gives Katie a compliment on her cooking by saying that Gina, Gershon's

[18:44] character, Angie, cannot cook.

[18:46] Uh-oh.

[18:47] But Katie turns it into a compliment for Angie.

[18:50] Oh, but she's so great at everything else.

[18:52] This is my one thing.

Stuart Wellington

[18:53] What a beautiful scene.

[18:54] One of the things I like about this scene is later on, somebody's looking at a...

[18:59] I think Gina Gershon's looking at, like, a collection of family photos, and a shot from this lunch

Dan McCoy

[19:04] is one of the photos.

[19:07] Like, who's taking the picture?

[19:10] That's the thing I find weird.

[19:11] A drone?

[19:12] The thing I find weird about this scene is, like...

[19:14] The one thing?

[19:15] Well...

[19:16] Besides the fact that it seems to be a lunch where no food is being eaten?

[19:19] One of the things I find weird about this scene is, like, later on, almost immediately after

[19:23] this, Faye Dunaway is like, I don't like that, Katie.

[19:26] Like, she's suspicious.

[19:27] There's something weird about her.

[19:29] And I'm like, dude, why were you just, like, complimenting her and throwing shade at Gina

[19:33] Gershon if this is, like, what your feelings are?

[19:35] Now, here's how...

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] That's the delicate dance of social situations, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] Let me explain how mothers-in-law work.

[19:40] Okay.

[19:41] They don't like the women who have married their sons because they've taken the place of the

[19:46] main woman in their life, them.

[19:49] So what she's doing is she's like, I don't like this woman.

[19:52] But you know who I don't like more?

[19:53] My daughter-in-law.

[19:55] So I'm going to use this woman as a tool to get at my daughter-in-law.

[19:58] And later, I'll get at this woman.

[20:00] It's a real Game of Thrones type thing.

[20:02] Your ally becomes your enemy.

[20:04] Yeah.

[20:05] Because you've got a larger enemy.

[20:06] Oh, it's like...

[20:07] But you're missing your bed on play dates.

[20:07] You're really turning into...

[20:09] A real dad humorous.

[20:11] It's pretty old-fashioned over here.

[20:15] Anyway, so then the mother-in-law...

[20:16] Then Faye Dunaway gets on her broom and flies away.

[20:19] Oh, man.

[20:19] Classic mother-in-law bits.

[20:21] No, she tells Nicolas Cage, that woman gives me the willies.

[20:23] And then Katie sees a knife and flashes back to the stabbing we saw earlier in the movie.

[20:27] As if we needed any evidence that this is one and the same person.

[20:31] Their faces are identical.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] Uh-huh.

[20:33] But maybe they thought the wig...

[20:34] One's wearing a wig.

[20:35] And they have different colored eyes.

[20:37] Oh, yeah.

[20:37] Hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] Katie opens up and tells Gina Gershon that she had an abusive husband.

[20:42] And Gina Gershon opens up and says they had trouble conceiving and finally had to use a surrogate.

[20:48] No, they had to use a donor egg.

[20:49] And she had a lot of bad postpartum depression.

[20:52] And that put her on...

[20:53] And she had an addiction to medication after that.

[20:56] And you know what?

[20:57] Now they got through it and everything's okay.

[20:59] And Gina Gershon says, hey, I'm pregnant.

[21:03] But Nicolas Cage doesn't know it yet.

[21:05] Uh-oh.

[21:07] Looks like they're gonna have two in this family.

[21:10] So wait.

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] So we...

[21:11] Okay.

[21:12] So we...

[21:13] There's a chink in Gina Gershon's armor at this point.

[21:16] Is that she...

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] We know she had...

[21:17] Actually, is it that at this point...

[21:18] We learned that she had a past history of drug abuse.

[21:21] Okay.

[21:21] Postpartum depression.

[21:22] That she had trouble conceiving.

[21:23] It was later in life.

[21:24] This is something that affects a lot of women.

[21:26] And what also affects a lot of women...

[21:28] She's at Mommy and Me class.

[21:30] And has the most oblique miscarriage I've ever seen in the history of film.

[21:34] I've missed it entirely.

[21:37] Yeah.

[21:37] I missed it too.

[21:38] I think if I was not...

[21:39] This is one of those times where it's literally like...

[21:40] If I was not keyed into the fact that miscarriages are very common.

[21:45] Often not talked about because there's an unnecessary...

[21:48] In fact, totally uncalled for amount of shame attached to them.

[21:51] Which there should not be.

[21:51] Yeah.

[21:52] Yeah.

[21:52] Something that affects many, many women.

[21:54] And is a natural part of often the conception process.

[21:57] But that she just goes,

[21:59] Oh, I'm not feeling well.

[22:00] Oh, let me help you.

[22:02] Oh, can someone help?

[22:03] Cut to the next scene.

[22:05] And we're just supposed to know that she's no longer pregnant.

[22:08] That she's lost the baby yet.

[22:10] Whatever.

[22:10] In early stages of the thing.

[22:11] And again, at early stages in pregnancy, it's very common for this.

Stuart Wellington

[22:14] That's not...

[22:15] And that's not TV and movie shorthand yet for that kind of thing.

[22:19] Not like how if at any point a woman throws up in a movie or TV, you're like,

[22:24] Oh, I guess she's pregnant.

Elliott Kalan

[22:25] And if someone coughs and then there's a little bit of blood in the handkerchief, you're like,

[22:29] They're going to be dead soon.

[22:30] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:31] Or the way...

[22:32] They shouldn't have gotten bit by that zombie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:34] If you...

[22:34] If it's TV movie shorthand, that if you go into a magic cave and you see an armored figure

[22:40] and you cut the armored figure's head off and inside the mask is your own face, it means

[22:44] that's your dad.

[22:45] Oh, okay.

[22:45] Yeah, that's just TV movie shorthand.

[22:46] Yeah, classic shorthand.

[22:48] Yeah.

[22:48] All those Hallmark, Hall of Fame movies where lizard creatures that are mentoring you send

[22:53] you into magic caves.

[22:54] Yeah, I mean...

[22:54] Actually tell you not to go into that magic cave.

Stuart Wellington

[22:56] You think that's lazy, right?

[22:57] You'd be like, oh, that's lazy storytelling.

[22:59] But it's just like such a part of the culture that you just...

[23:01] It just happens.

[23:02] It's just easier.

Elliott Kalan

[23:03] You know what?

[23:03] There's a reason some stereotypes exist.

[23:05] You know?

[23:05] Magic caves, they tell you who your dad is.

[23:08] Anyway, she said she wanted to finally give Nicolas Cage a son.

[23:13] And Katie says, you know what?

[23:15] I'm moving.

[23:16] And Gina Gershon says, no, no, no.

[23:17] Let us hire you as a live-in nanny.

[23:19] And Faye Dunaway does not like this.

Dan McCoy

[23:21] This is a decision that is made very quickly.

[23:23] They have known her for a week.

[23:25] Well, but also like Katie's like, I'm gonna, you know, go on...

[23:27] I have this new job.

[23:28] I'm gonna go to Colorado.

[23:30] It's all decided.

[23:31] And they just hector her for like a minute.

[23:34] And she's like, you know what?

[23:35] I will stay around.

[23:36] Fuck that job.

[23:38] But why...

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] Pay isn't even discussed.

[23:40] Yeah.

[23:40] Well, no, but she gets free room and board.

[23:42] Her daughter now has a live-in best friend.

[23:45] Their house seems to be in a national park.

[23:48] They have so much open air space.

[23:50] And they eat at a picnic table.

[23:51] I mean, two doctors.

[23:53] They are two doctors.

[23:54] Just like in that Cabaret song.

[23:56] Do-do-do-do-do.

[23:58] Do-do-do-do-do.

[24:01] Anyway, nosy Faye Dunaway does some more snooping.

Stuart Wellington

[24:05] There's that scene where she's like,

[24:07] using the internet, right?

[24:09] And just snooping away.

[24:10] Yep.

[24:11] She logs on to snoopit.com.

[24:14] Yep.

[24:15] She keeps saying,

[24:16] Siri, enhance.

[24:19] Enhance what?

Dan McCoy

[24:20] Enhance, Siri.

Stuart Wellington

[24:22] She puts on her VR goggles.

Elliott Kalan

[24:24] Walks down the hall and opens up a VR filing cabinet.

[24:28] Yep.

[24:29] But then, uh, and then virtuosity jumps out.

[24:32] He has to stop and gets into the real world.

Stuart Wellington

[24:35] That sucks when virtuosity does that.

[24:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] Remember, you ever had those times when you just want to Google somebody, but you have to fight

[24:41] the lawnmower man because he's using VR Google?

[24:43] Yeah, yeah.

[24:43] And he's like, I have your search results.

[24:45] More info power.

[24:47] Anyway, Nicolas Cage tries putting the moves on Gina Gershon one night, but she's not ready,

[24:52] which is understandable.

[24:54] Yeah.

[24:54] He goes outside to watch Fourth of July fireworks, and who's swimming topless in just her panties?

[25:00] Katie.

Stuart Wellington

[25:01] Bump, bump, bump.

[25:01] Because she's living in their, like, their, what, their house?

[25:05] Their guest house.

Dan McCoy

[25:06] I have something to say about this scene, which is, it is totally gratuitous toplessness because

[25:12] you think that this is going to pay off later.

[25:15] You think it's a real Poison Ivy news seduction.

[25:17] Yeah, you think that Nicolas Cage is going to be seduced by this new interloper, and that

[25:21] does not happen at all in the movie.

[25:23] Nicolas Cage remains totally faithful to Gina Gershon the entire film.

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] It's kind of like that movie Obsessed that we reviewed with Idris Elba.

[25:31] Idris Elba and Beyonce and...

[25:34] Allie Larder.

[25:35] Yeah, and you're like, at no point is it ever possible that he would be seduced by Allie

[25:40] Larder.

[25:41] No, because he's married to Beyonce.

[25:42] But, like, even with that, there's, like, no moment where that even could possibly happen.

[25:46] It was inconceivable that that would happen.

[25:49] But in that movie, it did happen.

[25:50] Here, it's just like...

[25:51] No, it didn't.

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] Yeah, they had, like, a...

[25:53] They did have a one-night stand.

[25:54] One-night stand.

Stuart Wellington

[25:55] No, they totally didn't.

[25:56] I thought they did.

[25:57] She, like...

[25:57] Does she stage it?

[25:58] She, like...

[25:59] Yeah, I think she, like, put the moves on him and he's like, nope.

[26:01] And then she's like, uh-oh, now I'm gonna send, like, pictures of my...

[26:05] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[26:05] I know.

[26:06] Well, that's...

[26:07] It's weird that I don't remember that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] Yeah.

[26:10] It is pretty weird, yeah.

[26:12] Anyway, it...

[26:13] I...

[26:13] And I want to say that when I heard the title of this movie was Inconceivable, I was like,

[26:17] that'd be in pretty bad taste if it was about conceiving a child.

[26:20] That's entirely what it's about.

[26:22] It's a fairly bad taste title.

[26:24] Anyway, uh...

[26:26] So, anyway.

[26:26] That seed is planted.

[26:27] Nicolas Cage has seen Katie's boobs.

[26:29] A seed that will never bear fruit.

[26:32] Gina and Sean go to work.

[26:35] And Katie walks around their house in classic, imagining her life was my lifestyle, looking

[26:39] at all her clothes and things.

Stuart Wellington

[26:40] But, so she's going back to work and Katie seems oddly distressed that her friend is going to

[26:47] be going back to work and wants somebody to look after her daughter.

Elliott Kalan

[26:50] What's weird, too, is that immediately Katie is not doing her job looking after her daughter

[26:55] or the family's daughter.

[26:57] Mm-hmm.

[26:57] She's just walking around the house by herself.

[26:58] But, yeah, she does not like...

[27:00] She doesn't like the idea that she's...

[27:02] Instead of being a stay-at-home mom, Gina Gershon's going to go back to work and have,

[27:05] what, a stranger watching your child?

[27:07] Mm-hmm.

[27:08] Very old-fashioned, conservative view of things.

[27:11] Gina Gershon comes home to see Katie having sex with someone.

[27:15] We don't see who it is.

[27:16] Yeah.

[27:16] And, of course, we assume it's Nick Cage.

[27:18] It's Nicholas.

[27:18] Because he's super stuck.

[27:19] Yeah, he's amazing.

[27:20] You think it's...

[27:20] But, and Faye Dunaway, we learn, has taken the girls to the beach.

[27:24] Okay.

[27:24] And that's why they weren't there.

Stuart Wellington

[27:25] I'm glad you wrote that down in your fucking notes.

Elliott Kalan

[27:32] Katie says, are you mad because you caught me in bed with another woman?

[27:36] And Gina Gershon's like, oh, uh, yeah, I guess?

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] I mean, I guess that changes their friendship a little, maybe.

[27:46] It's also...

[27:47] Makes it loaded.

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] I mean, it's a little weird that...

[27:49] I mean, it's...

[27:50] Here's the boundaries that it's hard to figure out.

[27:52] Katie now lives in their guest house, and she needs to have a life outside of being a nanny.

[27:55] That's true.

[27:56] But if I had a live-in nanny and found that she was bringing someone I'd never met home to have sex with on my property, I would feel a little weird about it.

[28:04] Especially in the middle of the day.

Dan McCoy

[28:07] Yeah, when only dirty people have sex, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[28:10] What if my child is going to wander in on the nanny having sex with somebody?

[28:14] She was at the beach.

Dan McCoy

[28:14] You wrote it down in your notes.

Elliott Kalan

[28:16] They're going to come over the beach.

[28:17] You don't know that.

[28:17] That's natural.

[28:18] That's how you were created.

[28:19] How long do you think Faye Dino can stand up to the harsh sunlight of the beach?

[28:23] She's not taking them for a day-long trip.

[28:25] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[28:25] But Katie's always supposed to go to the other person's apartment?

[28:27] That gets old.

Stuart Wellington

[28:29] You're right.

[28:30] Yeah, and they're like right by a pool.

[28:32] So what does that mean?

[28:34] It's a natural sex place.

Elliott Kalan

[28:37] That's a natural habitat for Americanas fornicatus by wetlands or pools.

[28:45] So they can, what, have a sip of chlorine water afterwards at the water?

Stuart Wellington

[28:48] Yeah, to douse, I don't know, the stuff off of the stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[28:52] Now that she says it was a female co-worker, Gina Gershon never says, hey, wait a minute, you work as a nanny.

[28:57] Who was your co-worker?

[29:00] And Katie goes, you didn't think that was Brian, did you?

[29:03] And Gina Gershon's like, no, no, of course not.

[29:04] And that night, Gina has sex with her husband, Nicolas Cage.

[29:08] She both wants to reclaim him because she's worried.

[29:11] And also, maybe she was a little turned on by Katie's freewheeling casual daytime sex.

[29:15] Mm-hmm.

[29:15] Who knows?

[29:17] Grant.

[29:18] That's Grant.

[29:19] So then Angie and their mutual friend who introduced them, whose name is what, Linda?

[29:25] Is this that fitness robot we were talking about?

[29:26] Yeah, I think it is Linda.

[29:27] Linda, maybe?

[29:28] Lisa?

[29:29] Oh, no, Linda.

[29:29] Okay, so Linda's by herself jogging down the beach in a bikini top.

[29:32] This happens for a while.

[29:33] Yeah.

[29:33] And then it turns out she and Katie are lovers.

Dan McCoy

[29:36] She was the one who was in bed with Katie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:38] What?

[29:38] One of the only characters introduced to us?

[29:41] And she tells Katie they're going to try for another kid.

[29:44] They want to use a surrogate.

[29:46] And they ask, they're going to ask me.

Stuart Wellington

[29:47] Guys, guys, guys.

[29:49] It was Linda.

Elliott Kalan

[29:50] Okay, thanks.

[29:51] Thanks for that.

[29:52] Fact check.

[29:53] Momentary fact check.

[29:54] You're welcome.

[29:54] Real time fact check.

[29:56] Appreciate it.

[29:57] Yep, you're welcome, guys.

[29:57] So anyone who's going to put a Pants on Fire or Pinocchio Award on me, don't do it.

[30:03] So Linda says they're going to have another child, but they want to use a surrogate.

[30:07] And they're going to ask me.

[30:08] Katie is instantly envious.

[30:10] Linda goes for a swim in a lake.

[30:11] And then Katie wades into the water in her underwear and just stands there not saying anything.

[30:16] Yeah.

[30:16] Linda takes this to mean that she's unhappy about it.

[30:18] It's a weird, weird scene.

[30:19] And Katie goes, the egg donor?

[30:24] That was me.

[30:25] Those babies are mine.

[30:27] I had to steal.

[30:27] And I already had to steal my daughter away from my own surrogate.

[30:31] And now she's going back to work and I have to take care of my baby.

[30:34] And Linda's like, that's fucked up.

[30:36] And so Katie hits her with something really heavy.

[30:38] Yeah.

[30:39] And kills her.

[30:39] And she drowns her.

[30:40] Well, it's a dumbbell.

[30:41] Is it?

[30:42] Yeah.

[30:42] I thought it was a dumbbell.

[30:43] Yeah, it's a dumbbell.

Elliott Kalan

[30:43] But I was like, why did she bring a dumbbell with her?

[30:45] Just part of a workout routine?

Stuart Wellington

[30:46] Yeah, it's part of a workout.

[30:47] On the beach?

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] Yeah, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[30:49] Are they a muscle beach?

[30:51] Yeah, noted worker outer, Elliot Galen.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] I have all these heavy dumbbells.

[30:56] Let me lug them to the beach.

[30:58] I mean, that's part of the workout in and of itself.

[31:00] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[31:00] And I'm pretty sure during this big reveal speech, because this is like, this is the movie.

[31:05] Yeah, we don't want to.

Dan McCoy

[31:05] This is only half a reveal.

[31:06] We don't want to gloss over this.

[31:08] Like, we want to make it very clear.

[31:09] What she's saying is.

Elliott Kalan

[31:10] We don't want to gloss over this the way that we glossed over Gina Gershon's miscarriage.

Dan McCoy

[31:13] Gina Gershon's child comes from Katie's egg.

[31:16] Yes.

[31:16] So Katie is the birth mother.

[31:20] No.

[31:20] Well, not birth mother, but she's the egg donor.

Elliott Kalan

[31:22] And so she feels like it is actually her child.

Dan McCoy

[31:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:25] And I'm pretty sure during this whole reveal, the background music is this like soft acoustic

[31:32] guitar stuff, which is non-diagetic, I'm assuming.

[31:36] I'm assuming there's nobody sitting on the bench playing guitar.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] Maybe they brought a guitar player.

[31:40] They pan over and there's a guitar player like Mel Brooks style.

[31:46] I found this scene genuinely kind of creepy, though, because it's just like the way that Katie

[31:51] like kind of wades out and doesn't say anything.

[31:53] And then she like kills her lover and like drowns her in the in the lake.

Elliott Kalan

[31:57] No, this was if the movie had kept up this level, it would have been a really creepy movie.

[32:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:03] That's all I wanted to say about that.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] You can never underestimate the creepiness of someone standing there and looking at you

[32:08] and not saying anything.

[32:10] Yeah.

[32:10] Like she's just standing in the water in her underwear shivering, not saying anything to Linda.

[32:14] And Linda's like, what are you doing?

[32:16] Like, this is freaking me out.

[32:17] Like, you're upset with me?

[32:18] Like, what's going on?

[32:19] And it's very creepy.

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] And I'm I'm remembering the scene of her like sitting there, like holding herself in her arms.

[32:26] Where's the dumbbell?

Dan McCoy

[32:31] That is a...

[32:31] Is there like a crab holding it?

[32:34] She had weighed it out beforehand and put it in the water just to stow it there in case.

Elliott Kalan

[32:39] Yeah.

[32:39] You have to assume that she's got a dumbbell just in the back of her panties, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[32:44] She pulls it out Bugs Bunny style.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] Like her butt is a tesseract that holds any number of unlimited objects.

[32:52] I mean, sometimes I feel that way about my own butt, Elliot.

[32:56] But you do raise a good question.

[32:58] Where was that dumbbell?

[33:00] Which makes me believe maybe it was like a floating log or something that she found.

Stuart Wellington

[33:04] It just shaped exactly like a dumbbell.

[33:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:08] A million monkeys and a million typewriters.

[33:09] Yeah, I guess.

[33:10] Yeah, it makes sense.

[33:11] So it could happen.

[33:13] She took it from a crab that was working out.

[33:16] So Linda's body is discovered the next day by two people just walking along the beach,

[33:20] Law and Order style.

[33:22] Katie.

[33:22] Boating accident, right?

[33:24] That's what it's ruled officially.

[33:25] Yeah, and it's declared a strange boating accident.

[33:27] And later on they have an in-memoriam card and photo of her on the refrigerator.

[33:32] That is, it's such a over-makeuped like Kim Kardashian type photo and a very weird choice

[33:38] for an in-memoriam card.

Stuart Wellington

[33:39] Very much the kind of photo that would be attached to a bartender's resume that would send me a

[33:45] resume when I look for them.

Elliott Kalan

[33:46] Because it feels like it's the kind of photo that would be used on the billboard for a strip

[33:50] club.

[33:51] Okay.

[33:51] I feel like.

[33:52] Mm-hmm.

[33:52] A weird choice for an in-memoriam.

[33:54] You'd think you'd have something that was a little bit less...

[33:56] Vampy?

[33:57] Yeah, vampy.

[33:58] Let's say it.

[33:59] All right.

[34:00] Anyway, Katie, meanwhile, goes back to nannying mainly by lounging around in the pool.

[34:05] And Faye Dunaway does not like that Katie, we now learn, has been asked to be the new

[34:09] surrogate.

[34:10] I mean, we learn by seeing her pregnant, right?

[34:13] No, no, no.

[34:13] She's...

[34:13] Dunaway says, I don't like that you're using her...

[34:15] Oh, okay.

[34:16] You're going to use her as the surrogate.

[34:17] Because Katie, at this point, has...

[34:18] She's super toned.

[34:19] She, you know...

[34:20] Yeah, she's shredded.

[34:21] It's got to be either the earliest stage of pregnancy or there's nothing in there because

[34:24] she's just like, yeah.

[34:25] Yeah, there's no...

[34:26] There's nothing.

[34:26] Yeah.

[34:26] Not as a tortilla chip on her tummy.

[34:29] Yeah.

[34:30] And Linda, we learn, was killed in a boating accident.

[34:32] But anyway, Faye Dunaway's like...

[34:35] Yeah, we learned that.

Dan McCoy

[34:37] That would be hilarious if she actually died in a boating accident.

[34:41] We just learned it in passing.

[34:43] Oh, that character, she died in a boating accident.

[34:46] Wait, did she...

[34:47] Did they not pay her enough?

[34:48] Did she left halfway through filming?

[34:50] Like, what happened?

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] Faye Dunaway says, here's what your plan should be.

[34:53] Kick her out when the baby's born.

[34:55] Because she's going to want to have visitation and custody rights.

[34:57] And they're like, no way.

[34:59] And I will say, this conversation is realistically circular and pointless.

[35:02] It comes to no conclusion and they don't do anything.

[35:05] Then Nicolas Cage and Gina Gershon recap that conversation unnecessarily.

[35:09] Cut to four months later.

[35:11] Katie is pregnant.

[35:12] And Gina and Angela...

[35:14] And Gina Gershon...

[35:15] I keep forgetting her character's name, so I'm just calling her Gina in my notes.

[35:18] Here's Katie take credit for the two girls to a stranger at the playground.

[35:23] Awkward.

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] It's very like...

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] Already Katie is starting to show...

[35:29] The dominoes are starting to fall, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:30] Yeah, she's starting to show possessiveness of Gina Gershon's daughter in a way that Gina

Dan McCoy

[35:34] Gershon is getting suspicious about.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] Yeah.

[35:36] They get home and we hear the immortal line, hey, guess what?

[35:38] The animal show's on.

[35:40] Because I couldn't even come up with a fake name for a TV show.

[35:45] They go for a medical test and Katie starts calling it...

[35:48] At the animal show?

[35:49] No, no.

[35:51] At the doctors.

[35:52] Katie and Gina Gershon go out and Katie starts calling it my baby.

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] I love the fact that the doctor, Dr. Weissman, who is checking Katie out, is the only doctor

[36:05] who shows up...

[36:06] In a medical way.

Stuart Wellington

[36:06] Not like...

[36:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[36:07] He's not like...

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] Not like didn't pull down his sunglasses and look her up and down and go, nice.

[36:11] Not that kind of checking her out.

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] Yeah, while drop dead legs plays in the background.

[36:16] Yeah, he's the only doctor that we ever see in the movie, depending on no matter what the

[36:21] situation is.

[36:22] Say, for instance, somebody gets stabbed by a knife later in the movie.

[36:26] That's the doctor we're going to see later on, shaking his head sadly.

Elliott Kalan

[36:30] Aside from that one lab tech doctor who does a DNA test for Gina Gershon and is introduced

[36:34] as her other best friend ever?

Stuart Wellington

[36:36] No, he was at that immortal luncheon we were talking about.

[36:41] That's who that was.

[36:42] The luncheon that was photographed and placed in a frame.

Elliott Kalan

[36:45] I totally didn't even recognize him because he's fleetingly...

[36:48] His name's like Brian or something.

[36:50] No, wait.

[36:50] Oh, they're Brian.

[36:52] Why did they name both characters Brian?

[36:57] It's a real double life of Veronique situation.

[37:00] Yeah.

[37:01] So anyway, during the test, Katie has a flashback in which she's told by another doctor and Katie,

[37:06] it's brown-wigged Katie, is told that she has an infection that spreads, she can no longer

[37:11] produce any eggs and she wakes up screaming.

[37:13] Much like the movie, I wake up screaming.

[37:16] And Gina Gershon is realistically weirded out by the fact...

[37:19] Did you write that reference down in your notes?

[37:21] No, I did not.

[37:22] But Gina Gershon says to the doctor, that was weird, right?

[37:24] When she woke up screaming from that test and asked for...

[37:28] It's like, no, that's very normal.

[37:29] No, the way I do this test, it's very painful.

[37:32] And it brings up bad memories.

[37:34] She asks for a prescription for a sedative for Katie.

[37:38] Now, Dan, there hasn't been a lot of Nicolas Cage in this movie so far.

[37:41] What do you take that to me?

Dan McCoy

[37:43] I think that they probably gave him, you know, enough money to pay like half of the property taxes on one of his castles, but not enough to keep him in the movie any longer than that.

Elliott Kalan

[37:55] When we watched Unforgettable, which again is the reverse of this movie.

[37:59] We did?

[38:00] We talked about how much we hated the husband in that movie.

[38:04] And it hurt me a little bit that Nicolas Cage in this movie is that husband.

[38:08] Yeah.

[38:08] He's like a motorcycle riding doctor who's never around for his family.

[38:12] Equally young.

[38:13] Equally a star.

[38:15] Who's never around for his family and will soon immediately take a stranger's point of view or side against his own wife.

[38:22] And I was like, Nick, don't do it.

[38:23] But I also realized, I don't know if there's a single scene of Nicolas Cage talking to another man in this movie.

[38:29] So I think this movie fails the reverse Bechdel test.

[38:34] It's too bad.

[38:35] Yeah, no, it's true.

[38:37] Which I guess would be called, what, the Glenn Bechdel test?

[38:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[38:40] So men's rights activists, get on this movie.

[38:43] It really didn't actually, the men don't have interior lives that allow them to be independent from the women.

Stuart Wellington

[38:49] I think you're misrepresenting us, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] Guys, look, let's just say, I'm all for women not being sexually assaulted, but I think the pendulum swung a little too far, don't you?

[38:58] Oh, boy, oh, jeez.

[38:59] That's my favorite thing to be horrified at at the moment is like, hey, enough's enough.

[39:04] We rounded up a couple bad guys, but now someone's not allowed to force a woman to kiss them in a professional situation?

[39:10] Like, yeah, you're right, dude, they're not.

[39:13] Someone's not allowed to compliment somebody?

[39:15] Well, not that way.

[39:15] Best not.

Stuart Wellington

[39:16] If nobody was forcibly kissing anyone, nobody would ever be born because nobody would ever go out on dates.

Elliott Kalan

[39:23] It's like there are all these guys who are like, now, who am I going to give my hugs to when I'm at the office?

[39:28] I got all these hugs.

[39:29] I got really strong and explode.

[39:30] I've got so much love to give.

[39:33] Don't you understand it hurts me inside?

[39:36] That is a lot of nerds who end up having fixations on friends that they have crushes on and they're like, don't you understand how much I love you and it's not fair of you to not love me back?

Stuart Wellington

[39:46] It's like, dude, just come on.

[39:47] Like, stop talking to Deadpool, dude.

Dan McCoy

[39:53] He's a character.

[39:54] He'll never love you.

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] You're not a chumichanga.

Dan McCoy

[39:58] You should have left these feelings of resentment behind in middle school if you had them at all.

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Like, yeah.

[40:02] It's like they grow up.

[40:03] Anyway, it's very hard for a lot of guys to grow up because society rewards them for not doing so.

[40:08] But anyway, Katie finishes the amazing African...

Stuart Wellington

[40:10] It's only like 90% of entertainment is directed to them.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] And almost the same number of jobs and just all culture, not even entertainment, all culture of all time.

[40:20] Yeah, that's true.

[40:22] Katie finishes the amazing African Savannah mural she's painting in the daughter's room.

[40:26] She's now started dressing the two girls alike and the girls claim that she said they were sisters.

[40:32] This, and by this point, I was like, yeah, this is the opposite of Unforgettable.

[40:36] And I really wish there was some kind of flop house cinematic.

[40:39] I wish there was some kind of flop house cinematic universe so that Katherine Heigl could go up against Katie.

[40:44] Since they also both walk onto knives at different points in the movie.

[40:48] But let's get to that later.

[40:51] Gina Gershon shows up to find that Katie is dying her daughter's hair blonde.

[40:54] Turns out they both naturally have dark hair, which we know is not true because we saw they need to wear wigs to get that dark hair.

[40:59] Maybe it was naturally dark under the wig.

[41:04] A double blind.

[41:07] And Gina Gershon says, oh, I'm not taking maternity leave for this new baby.

[41:11] I'm just going to hire a new nanny.

[41:13] And Katie is offended by this.

[41:16] In this dinner scene where they discuss this, there's a huge platter of fried chicken on the table, which nobody takes anything from.

[41:22] It was very distracting to me.

[41:24] The whole time I just wanted to be like, if you guys aren't going to eat that, can I have that platter of fried chicken?

Stuart Wellington

[41:28] Yeah, I think Gina Gershon angrily takes the plates into the kitchen and they're like piled high with fried chicken and corn.

[41:35] Uneaten fried chicken.

[41:36] Untouched.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] Yeah.

[41:37] And Gina Gershon says, no, I want to go back to work.

[41:39] And Katie's like, you're going to have a stranger watch your child?

[41:42] Nicolas Cage, of course, takes Katie's side of that argument.

Dan McCoy

[41:44] Yeah, this is the weirdest part of Nicolas Cage taking Katie's side.

[41:47] Like later on when Katie is gaslighting everyone and like making it look like Gina Gershon has a drug problem.

[41:55] I kind of understand where Nicolas Cage is coming from because he's like, look, you're spiraling out of control.

[42:00] Like, it's not like he's like totally unsympathetic.

[42:02] He's just like.

Elliott Kalan

[42:03] He's like, look, you had a problem before.

[42:04] I'm worried that you had that problem.

[42:05] Yeah.

[42:06] But here there's no reason.

Dan McCoy

[42:07] Yeah.

[42:08] Yeah.

[42:08] He should be like, yeah, she's taking, she's not taking maternity leave.

[42:11] We're going to have a.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] I mean, the correct response for him would be like, be like, back off of my wife.

[42:16] Exactly.

[42:16] Like, she needs more than her home life.

[42:19] Anyway, I get more than my home life and she should have the same thing because we're partners.

[42:23] Asshole.

[42:24] But thank you for carrying our child to Germany.

[42:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:27] I mean, that's why he's not doing.

[42:28] He's like, Ixnay on.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Don't want to.

[42:31] I know that if she happens to see a deformed person, the baby will be deformed because I'm a medieval doctor.

[42:37] So if you upset her, the baby might come out as, I don't know, a demon of some kind.

[42:40] Yeah.

[42:42] Gina Gershon's so upset she almost takes one of the sedative pills but doesn't and throws them out.

[42:46] But Katie sees her throwing the pills out and assumes the worst.

[42:49] Bath time.

[42:50] Time for Katie to have a bath time flashback.

[42:53] She's dark haired again, painting yet another of the same mural.

[42:57] She hears a baby crying.

[42:58] We see that the mother of that baby is just lying in the bathtub for the other gratuitous nudity in the film.

[43:05] Yeah.

[43:05] There's just a naked woman in the bathtub.

[43:07] And this woman is named Tara.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] I mean, how else is she going to take a fucking bath, dude?

[43:12] Yeah.

[43:12] Was she going to wear a vetsuit?

[43:13] That's a good point.

[43:13] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] I mean, they could have framed it differently as the thing.

[43:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:16] Make it a bubble bath, right?

[43:17] Yeah.

[43:17] Cover him up.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Everybody loves that shit.

[43:19] But Katie runs in.

[43:20] She says, how can you just have a bath while your child is crying?

[43:24] Which, you know what?

[43:25] I kind of civilize with both sides on this because you do think she should get out and come for that baby.

[43:29] But on the other hand, I've dealt with crying babies.

[43:32] Sometimes it's like, baby.

[43:32] But on the other hand, a woman should not be murdered.

[43:34] I know nothing bad's going on.

[43:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] Yeah.

[43:36] It's also weird to call somebody out on that when you storm into the bathroom with them.

Elliott Kalan

[43:41] It's also weird that, actually, you know what?

[43:43] It's not something at all because the woman in the bathroom can be like, you're the nanny.

[43:46] I'm paying you to take care of this.

[43:49] I need a moment to take a bath.

[43:50] Can you go take care of my child like I'm paying you to do?

[43:53] And Katie does not say, like, I'll go see the baby.

[43:56] Instead, she takes the woman's head, bangs against the tub, and then drowns her.

[44:00] Because we now know her MO, which is hitting people in the head with something and then drowning them.

Dan McCoy

[44:05] It's how she kills all of her victims.

[44:07] That's why she carries a pail of water around with her everywhere she goes.

[44:10] A bar, a bar, a bill of pail of water.

[44:12] Poseidon's daughter, they call her.

Elliott Kalan

[44:17] She's the Jack LaLanne Neptune killer.

[44:20] So she puts on a locket with the little baby's name, which is Maddie.

[44:24] And now we learn, oh, when she was running away in the beginning, she wasn't the wife running away from an abusive husband.

[44:31] No, no, no.

[44:31] She killed that mother and then killed the father.

[44:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:35] Oh, okay.

[44:36] Anyway.

[44:38] I mean, that, like, you realized that before that happened, right?

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] Yes.

[44:42] Okay.

[44:42] But this just makes it clear.

[44:43] Like, you know that she wasn't real.

[44:45] I mean, the only time I thought that she was running away from an abusive husband was literally watching the opening scene.

[44:50] Yeah.

[44:50] And everything after that made it clear, oh, no, she's a crazy person.

Stuart Wellington

[44:52] Yeah, there was a brief moment where I was worried they were going to be like, look, she's crazy.

[44:57] That's why she killed her husband.

[44:58] What a bitch.

[44:59] But luckily they didn't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] No, she's merely crazy because once women have children, they become insanely attached to the point of psychotic madness.

Dan McCoy

[45:08] Oh, right.

[45:08] So you're saying it wasn't misogynistic in one way.

[45:10] It was misogynistic in another way.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Exactly.

[45:13] Exactly in that way.

[45:14] And frankly, even though Gina Grishnan is the good guy in the movie, I still think the movie is judging her for, one, not being able to carry a child's term on her own, and two, for having a professional career.

[45:25] It's like, look, ladies.

[45:26] Yeah, her weaknesses brought this demon into their house.

[45:28] Exactly.

[45:28] If you could be a mom, you wouldn't have a monster in your house, or a momster, if you will.

[45:34] I won't.

[45:34] Which is a monster mom.

[45:35] I won't.

[45:35] Oh, you won't?

[45:36] No.

[45:36] Retracted.

[45:37] All right.

[45:37] Just drag that to the trash can in my brain and delete.

[45:40] Yeah.

[45:41] Okay.

[45:42] And unplug the computer?

[45:43] And throw it out the window.

[45:45] Katie thinks that Gina Grishnan's taking drugs, and Gina Grishnan starts snooping around the guest house and finds a bunch of baby books with crazy person notes in them.

[45:53] Mm-hmm.

[45:53] Katie is already really attached to this fetus that's in her, and she finds a picture of-

[45:57] I mean, physically she's attached to it, right?

[45:59] Yes, by an umbilical cord, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:01] Okay, there's like a bunch of cables and stuff, right?

[46:03] We covered that?

[46:04] Yeah, just like being in a Matrix pod, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] Yeah, the umbilical cord's the original cable.

[46:09] You know that video for Closer, where the guy's kind of floating around in space with that-

[46:13] The guy.

[46:15] Trent Reznor?

[46:16] Yeah.

[46:17] That's basically what it's like inside a woman's body, including having a little piano that you can play.

[46:21] Oh, cool.

[46:21] Yeah.

[46:22] Anyway, Gina Grishnan goes to sleuth on the computer until she literally falls asleep with the computer in her lap.

[46:29] Nicolas Cage wakes her up, looks at what she was looking at, a real invasion of her privacy.

[46:34] And Katie, when she gets home, notices her books are askew.

[46:38] Someone's been a snooping.

[46:40] Oh, and Gina Grishnan's research is that she finds-

[46:43] And she sees like blood on the windowsill, right?

[46:45] Yes, because, well, not this time, right?

[46:48] Because Gina Grishnan just walked in the open door.

[46:51] Or maybe, no.

Stuart Wellington

[46:51] The amount of attention we're paying to the specific plot points in this movie is terrifying.

Elliott Kalan

[46:56] Anyway, the point is, Gina Grishnan does a bunch of research on evil surrogates, catches Katie calling herself mama to their daughter, and they confront each other.

[47:05] And Katie accuses her of feeling guilty about being a bad mom.

[47:09] Oblivious Nicolas Cage just wanders in to reveal that, hey, we've got a present for you.

[47:15] She painted another mural for our new son, and it has the name Gabriel on it, because Katie and I named the baby.

[47:21] Which is crazy.

[47:23] Yeah.

[47:24] Like, that's crazy.

[47:25] But now Gina Grishnan looks like a crazy addict to her husband and mother-in-law.

[47:31] And I don't-

[47:32] This is not-

[47:32] Was this when they have the surprise baby shower?

Stuart Wellington

[47:36] No, that was-

[47:36] Wasn't that later after, uh-

[47:39] After she gets doped?

Elliott Kalan

[47:40] Yes, yes, that's right.

[47:42] But everyone thinks she's crazy, and she just keeps saying to Katie-

[47:44] She thinks Katie killed Linda.

[47:46] She keeps going, answer this one question.

[47:48] Answer this one question.

[47:49] She can't answer this one question.

[47:52] And Katie pretends to have pregnancy pains to get out of the situation.

[47:55] And Nicolas Cage turns to his wife and says, you've put our baby's life at risk by accusing her of being a murderer.

[48:01] Being a cool dude.

[48:02] Yeah.

[48:03] Nicolas Cage says, I want you to give me a urine sample so that you can prove to me that you're not on drugs.

[48:08] And you have to apologize to Katie.

[48:10] Anyway, long story short, more snooping-

Dan McCoy

[48:13] It's so fucking weird that her husband is treating her like she's a McDonald's employee.

Elliott Kalan

[48:19] Well, you need to say, get back to the fryer.

[48:21] Yeah.

[48:21] Your break's over.

Stuart Wellington

[48:23] Make this- wear this paper hat.

[48:25] I mean, part of the issue is that she's taking- she's not taking enough breaks.

[48:29] Yeah, she's working too hard.

Elliott Kalan

[48:31] Some people are hardly working.

[48:33] Instead of working hard, she should be one of those people.

[48:35] One of these days, she's got to get organized.

[48:37] But you know what?

[48:38] Hang in there, Gina Gershon.

[48:40] Because you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

[48:42] But you don't have to be crazy to accuse your nanny of being a murderer.

[48:45] But it helps.

[48:47] Anyway, blah, blah, blah.

[48:50] Things- and this is when Gina Gershon breaks into the guest house because Katie's locked the door.

[48:54] And she cuts her hand on the window.

[48:56] Blah, blah, blah.

[48:56] Doesn't matter.

[48:57] She does some very slow snooping and finds out that the head of the surrogate company also died under mysterious circumstances.

[49:04] Boat accident!

[49:05] It was funny.

[49:06] She calls up the surrogate company to ask to speak to them.

[49:09] And the secretary goes, oh no, she died.

[49:11] It was ruled a suicide.

[49:13] You sound like you don't believe her.

[49:14] No, she loved life.

Stuart Wellington

[49:17] And it's so-

[49:18] And lived to laugh.

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] The movie is so spoon-feeding clues at this point.

[49:25] But I think it's so funny and so unprofessional for the secretary to say that.

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] She also didn't give out any information about past donors.

[49:33] No, that's true.

[49:34] Yes, you can't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[49:35] Nor did she give out information about who painted the lovely mural that's in the video that the surrogate ahead is in.

[49:44] The website has yet to be updated.

[49:45] They haven't yet taken down the video with the now dead woman in it.

[49:48] And behind her is a mural.

[49:49] Behind her is a mural.

[49:50] It's a way to keep her spirit alive, Elliot.

[49:52] Behind her is a mural that was clearly painted by Katie because it's the same damn mural.

[49:57] The same African savannah with the same tree.

[50:00] But what I like about it is-

[50:02] He's trying to get it right.

[50:03] Yeah.

[50:04] Let's say Gina Gershon is just calling up-

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] You throw out the first pancake or two, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[50:09] I mean, you know, was it Monet who did the haystacks?

[50:13] He did so many haystacks.

Stuart Wellington

[50:15] Yeah.

[50:15] Monet was talking about pancakes.

[50:17] Right.

Elliott Kalan

[50:17] For his couple.

[50:18] I mean, there's-

[50:19] Yes, okay.

[50:20] Artists often become fixated on one object or subject for their art.

[50:24] Yeah, Woody Allen, for instance.

[50:26] Yeah, Woody Allen is fixated on how he is amazingly able to get away with having sex with younger women.

[50:32] And death.

[50:33] But at least you find some variations within that theme.

[50:37] I mean, come on.

[50:38] Come on, guys.

[50:39] Come on.

[50:40] At least paint a different tree.

[50:43] But anyway.

[50:44] So the pieces are all falling into place.

[50:46] Katie has a-

[50:48] I think-

[50:49] And I think the surrogate woman was the woman that was there when Katie learned that she can no longer produce eggs.

[50:54] If I'm remembering correctly.

[50:57] They decide, I'm going to do a DNA-

[50:59] Or Gina Gershon decides, I'm going to do a DNA test on Katie to see if she and my daughter have the same DNA.

[51:04] But at the same time, Katie-

[51:06] While she is snooping to try to get Katie's DNA, Katie grounds up sedative pills and puts them in Gina Gershon's carrot juice.

[51:13] They are always drinking carrot juice in this movie.

[51:15] Lots of carrot juice.

[51:16] Gives her a thermos full of carrot juice to take to the office.

[51:18] Well, that explains her magical eyesight.

[51:21] Which is a huge plot point.

Dan McCoy

[51:23] Yeah.

[51:23] True.

[51:23] Good point.

[51:24] Have you guys-

[51:25] And why she's being followed by rabbits all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[51:29] They can smell it on her.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:30] Have you guys ever drank carrot juice?

Dan McCoy

[51:32] I've had carrot juice in other juices.

[51:35] It's not the question I asked you, Dan.

[51:36] No, I've never had straight-

Elliott Kalan

[51:37] I didn't say you ever drank V8.

[51:39] I said you ever drank carrot juice.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] I've never had straight carrot juice.

[51:41] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[51:43] No, me either.

[51:43] Yet everybody-

[51:44] In this movie, carrot juice is the most natural thing in the world to drink.

[51:47] Why would we juice anything else when we can juice a carrot?

[51:50] The juiciest vegetable.

[51:52] You just squeeze a carrot and feel that sweet juice running out of it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:56] Yeah, you cut the top off and squeeze it into your mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] Makes you want to suck out all that juice.

Stuart Wellington

[52:03] That juicy carrot.

[52:05] Yeah, watching this movie, I suffered from a little bit of culture shock because I'm like,

[52:09] everything about it reminds me of the place that I live, except one little thing is off.

[52:16] Instead of drinking water, they're always drinking juice out of carrots.

[52:20] Yeah, this is an alternate reality.

[52:22] Yeah, where they walk up to a vending machine and it only serves carrot juice.

[52:27] You're like, this isn't Atlanta, not the Atlanta I remember.

Elliott Kalan

[52:32] They're like, you know what?

[52:36] We're hurting the environment with all this bottled carrot juice that we're selling.

[52:39] All these bottles are just piling up.

Stuart Wellington

[52:41] When it comes in, it's a natural vessel, the skin of a carrot.

Elliott Kalan

[52:47] They don't carry around wine skins.

[52:49] They carry on carrot skins.

[52:50] Yeah.

[52:52] And very thin sheets of paper are also called carrot skin instead of onion skin.

[52:56] Or pool's cap.

[52:57] It's called carrot cap.

Stuart Wellington

[52:58] I think they were watching the little girls play Mario Kart.

[53:02] And in this world, instead of slipping out a banana peel, your kart spins out of control if you run over a carrot peel.

Elliott Kalan

[53:07] What I loved is that you made it a Mario Kart thing as if that was where banana peels being slipped on came from.

[53:12] Whereas I thought you were going to say that they were watching them play Mario,

[53:15] and instead of a mushroom making him bigger, a carrot makes him bigger.

[53:19] And it's the carrot kingdom and toad has a carrot on his head, which looks just like a clam.

[53:24] No, that'd be crazy.

[53:25] That'd be crazy, Elliot.

[53:26] This is some kind of strange world where pizzas are not made with tomato sauce, but with carrot sauce.

[53:32] Dan, give us another carrot thing.

Dan McCoy

[53:34] Carrots are used to stab people?

[53:37] I guess this bit just died.

[53:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[53:39] Way to kill it, Dan.

[53:41] I almost think you did that on purpose.

Dan McCoy

[53:42] Well, I think that was going on a little long.

Elliott Kalan

[53:44] Dan is to the carrot bit as President Trump is to Obamacare.

[53:48] You're deliberately sabotaging the bit, Dan, by refusing to provide the funds, or in this case jokes, that it needs to survive.

[53:55] I apologize.

[53:56] Dan, our carrot joke exchanges need federal intervention if they're going to support it.

[54:00] You're taking away carrot joke care for millions of Americans.

Dan McCoy

[54:03] I promised to pull us out of the trans-carrot partnership.

[54:07] No, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[54:08] That's going to leave China as the only major carrot trading partner in Asia, in the Pacific.

Dan McCoy

[54:13] They've been biting our carrots for too long.

Elliott Kalan

[54:17] Okay, you saved it.

[54:18] All right.

[54:18] I think I understand what you're saying.

[54:22] Gina Gershon drops off the DNA test and then passes out in her car on the least busy street in the history of streets.

Stuart Wellington

[54:28] Yeah.

[54:28] I feel like you pulled into a parking lot and fell asleep.

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] And we've all been there, you know?

[54:33] It's tough.

[54:33] It's a tough life.

[54:34] We've all had to sleep off a juice every other day.

[54:36] She suspects the carrot juice, and she's right.

[54:39] That's when, right, she walks home to a huge surprise baby shower,

[54:42] full of people we've never seen before, which, I mean, it's fair.

[54:45] A movie about my life would not cover everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[54:46] I mean, it's good that she slept exactly long enough to make it to the baby shower.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] And it's also, at this point, it's like,

[54:52] Nicolas Cage, I think part of the problem here is you're not letting your wife be a part of this baby's life.

[54:57] She wasn't there to name it.

[54:58] She wasn't there to organize the baby shower.

[55:00] Who would throw a surprise baby shower?

[55:02] Listeners, if you've ever attended or thrown or been the subject of a surprise baby shower, let me know.

[55:07] Because the last thing you want to do for a woman who's that far along in her pregnancy,

[55:10] give her a big surprise that's going to throw her into some kind of shock of some kind.

[55:15] The same way that it's like, hey, guy with a heart attack, we're going to throw you a surprise birthday party.

[55:20] We're just going to scream at you all of a sudden.

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] Do you think that Nicolas Cage is like, well, if I kind of started off at, like, a really irritating level,

[55:29] she'll let me get away with lesser infractions later on?

[55:33] Like, what is he building up to?

[55:35] He maybe wants to buy a second motorcycle.

[55:39] Okay.

[55:40] Interesting.

[55:40] Well, what I do like is when she shows up and she starts freaking out and accusing Katie of drugging her,

[55:46] Nicolas Cage kicks everybody in the party out.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] He goes, all right, get out of here.

[55:50] Let's go.

[55:51] Parties, yeah.

[55:52] And they didn't do anything.

[55:53] It's not their fault.

[55:54] No.

[55:54] And although, again, what's going to go uneaten?

[55:57] I have to assume another huge platter of fried chicken laid out for their guests.

[56:00] No, I thought you were going to say fried carrots.

Stuart Wellington

[56:04] That'd be crazy, Dan.

[56:05] Why would he say that?

Elliott Kalan

[56:06] Why would I possibly say that?

[56:08] What in my past behavior has led you to believe I would ever make a comment like that about carrots, of all things?

[56:16] A vegetable, which I don't have to make the case here, is not something you would regularly juice all the time.

[56:23] Anyway, he throws everyone out.

[56:25] He says, you're on drugs.

[56:26] Let's get out of here.

Stuart Wellington

[56:28] That just reminded me early on when they were first hanging out with Katie and they were talking about her family.

[56:36] And she's like, I never knew my father.

[56:39] My mother was addicted to drugs.

[56:41] And the way she says it felt like somebody who doesn't actually understand what drugs are.

[56:49] It felt like something where she would have been slightly more specific.

[56:54] But I don't know.

[56:54] Maybe I'm just making stuff up.

[56:56] Maybe I'm on drugs.

Elliott Kalan

[56:58] Drugs.

[57:00] All of the drugs, I guess.

[57:01] Sure.

[57:02] Addicted to all of them.

[57:03] Heroin, ecstasy, penicillin, all the drugs.

Dan McCoy

[57:06] Those herbal supplements you use to get an erection.

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] What would those be like, Dan?

[57:12] Made out of carrots or something?

[57:14] It is one of the more phallic of the vegetables.

[57:17] That's not true.

Dan McCoy

[57:17] There's a shit ton of phallic vegetables.

[57:19] You got a parsnip.

[57:20] You got a zucchini.

[57:21] Parsnip was the first one you went to, not cucumber.

[57:23] Cucumber.

[57:24] I went to zucchini, too.

[57:25] Zucchini is pretty close.

[57:26] Eggplant.

[57:27] Summer squash.

[57:28] Summer squash.

[57:29] What about winter squash?

[57:30] Winter squash, they're too fat.

[57:32] Okay.

[57:32] Like a butternut squash doesn't look enough like a penis?

[57:34] Yeah, it's more of a chode.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] If your penis doesn't have a classic butternut squash hourglass shape.

[57:39] Interesting learning about Dan's penis that it's not shaped like a butternut squash.

[57:43] Broccolini.

Dan McCoy

[57:44] Yeah, that's right.

[57:45] It was.

Elliott Kalan

[57:46] Yeah, big head of cauliflower.

Dan McCoy

[57:48] Big head on it, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[57:51] Anyway, that's gross.

[57:54] Then Nicolas Cage is like, I'm not in the next scene.

[57:57] I'm out of here.

[57:57] And walks away.

[57:59] And Katie reveals everything to Gina Gershon.

[58:01] She felt betrayed that all these women who sacrificed nothing to get their babies, where she sacrificed everything, then hired some other stranger to watch them.

[58:10] And Gina Gershon's like, get away from me.

[58:11] I have a knife in my hand.

[58:12] And classic move.

[58:15] Katie walks into the knife and stabs herself, just like an unforgettable, and then starts banging her head against the counter.

[58:21] Yeah.

[58:21] And there's a struggle.

[58:22] And Gina Gershon gets stabbed.

[58:24] And Nicolas Cage is like, oh, no.

[58:27] And they're both in the hospital.

[58:29] And Nicolas Cage gets the DNA results.

[58:31] Yeah.

[58:31] And he says to Katie, and they say there's bad news about Gina Gershon.

Stuart Wellington

[58:37] I'm assuming that there was a scene that was cut for time where the doctor's like, I think something's up with Katie.

[58:44] And Nicolas Cage is like, that's impossible.

[58:46] My wife stabbed her, and she hit her head a bunch of times.

[58:48] And the doctor's like, have you ever seen that scene in Fight Club where Edward Norton does that to get out of getting fired?

Elliott Kalan

[58:55] I thought you were going to say, have you ever seen that scene in Unforgettable?

[58:58] Wait.

[58:59] Wait, what?

[59:00] What movie?

[59:00] And Nicolas Cage is like, I don't remember if I saw that or not.

[59:03] And gets the news that Nicolas Cage tells Katie that the person has died of her stab wounds.

Stuart Wellington

[59:08] I mean, I think he just walks up and shakes his head.

[59:12] Oh, right, right, right.

[59:12] That's all he does.

[59:13] And you're like, I don't know what that means in the context of what happens later.

[59:18] It's very calmly revealed that Katie has had.

Dan McCoy

[59:20] It's like Nicolas Cage is like, I can't lie.

[59:23] Like, he's made a vow to himself that'll never lie.

[59:27] Never.

[59:27] So he has to just do this misdirection.

Elliott Kalan

[59:30] And they say, Katie, you have to have a C-section right now.

[59:33] And she says, with your wife away, now I love you.

[59:37] And she forces a kiss on him, President Trump style.

[59:40] Or, I don't know, Al Franken style, whatever.

[59:43] Whatever way they do it.

[59:44] And he's like, ugh, so disgusted.

[59:47] Cut to after delivery.

[59:49] He takes Katie to see baby Gabriel in the baby holding pen.

[59:54] And I've been-

[59:56] Where all the babies fight each other.

[59:57] I don't remember what the name is called.

[59:59] Gabriel has already beaten up the biggest baby to establish dominance, as is the advice you get.

[1:00:04] And he says, she's like, oh, he's beautiful.

[1:00:06] And he's like, take a look.

[1:00:07] I want you to see it, because it's your last.

[1:00:10] And he walks into the nursery and holds the baby.

[1:00:12] But Katie's locked out.

[1:00:13] And Gina Gershon walks in.

[1:00:15] She wasn't dead.

[1:00:16] Uh-oh.

[1:00:17] Looks like the mouse has trapped the cat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:19] Trap sprung.

[1:00:21] I love that Nicolas Cage is like-

[1:00:22] And then Katie's eyeballs explode.

[1:00:24] And you're like, she'll never see anything again.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:26] I don't know.

[1:00:27] Like, Nicolas Cage is, for some reason, is like, I had to punk you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:31] Yeah.

[1:00:32] Like, there's no real point for him.

[1:00:33] For maximum vengeance, dude.

[1:00:35] I guess.

[1:00:36] Well, of course.

[1:00:38] I just give her a little taste of your own medicine, because I'm a doctor of surprises.

[1:00:43] I'm a doctor of revenge.

[1:00:45] I've got an MD in turning about being fair play.

[1:00:48] And I got a PhD in what goes around comes around.

[1:00:51] Okay, we get it, Nick.

[1:00:51] We understand.

[1:00:52] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:53] I've got a master's in best served cold.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:58] And then I've got a second master in paybacks of bits.

[1:01:03] Oh, a double master.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:04] He's probably still paying off those student loans.

[1:01:06] I am.

[1:01:07] And then I minored in karma.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:09] Oh, okay.

[1:01:10] And I minored in pottery.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:14] And I did take a Turkish cooking class.

[1:01:16] Which I didn't get, like, it's not an official degree, but it's like a certificate they print out for you.

[1:01:20] There's a picture of tabbouleh or something on it.

[1:01:23] What are they eating turkey?

[1:01:23] I don't remember.

[1:01:24] I took the class.

[1:01:25] But honestly, I was studying for my master's degree in paybacks of bits.

[1:01:29] So I wasn't really focusing on the Turkish cooking.

[1:01:32] Anyway, so.

[1:01:32] Makes you a more well-rounded person.

[1:01:33] The point is, you got burnt and you'll never see the baby again.

[1:01:37] And Katie's like, no, no.

[1:01:38] And the police show up.

[1:01:40] And the next we see of Katie.

[1:01:41] She's in an insane asylum.

[1:01:42] I have to assume Arkham.

[1:01:45] She's like, I'll escape and get the babies.

[1:01:48] All of the babies.

[1:01:49] She's now Baby Girl.

[1:01:50] The baby-themed Batman villain.

[1:01:52] She's going to team up with Calendar Man and Killer Croc.

[1:01:55] What's going to happen to her daughter?

[1:01:59] She gets adopted by the...

[1:02:01] Adopted by Nicolas Cage and Gina Gershon.

[1:02:03] I guess that's okay.

[1:02:04] And the next we cut to Nicolas Cage jogging home as we saw him doing in the beginning.

[1:02:08] And for a moment I was like, wait a minute.

[1:02:10] Did he just dream this whole movie while he was jogging?

[1:02:12] Yeah.

[1:02:13] Like, if he just walks in and he goes, honey, I had the craziest dream.

[1:02:16] It was inconceivable.

[1:02:20] Smash cut.

[1:02:21] Nicolas Cage will return in Inconceivable 2.

[1:02:24] Another jogging dream.

[1:02:25] But that doesn't happen.

[1:02:26] Instead, he walks in.

[1:02:27] Gina Gershon is taking a nap with the two daughters and their son Gabriel.

[1:02:31] They now have three kids.

[1:02:33] One of them they didn't even have to do anything for.

[1:02:36] And he gives...

[1:02:36] Well, I mean, they had to survive a killer.

[1:02:39] And he gives Gina Gershon a locket with the pictures of all three of the kids.

[1:02:43] And she goes, oh, it's beautiful.

[1:02:44] Thank you.

[1:02:45] And the movie leaves me wondering, was that really a good enough, sorry, I didn't believe

[1:02:49] you when we had a killer nanny present?

[1:02:51] Like, as far as makeup...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:52] Yeah, he's still got to be paying for that shit.

[1:02:54] Yeah.

[1:02:55] Like, remember it was...

[1:02:55] I stopped by Zales, honey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:57] Whenever a basketball player cheats on his wife, he buys her like a fancy expensive ring.

[1:03:02] Yeah.

[1:03:02] Like, does this locket make up for that?

[1:03:04] I don't know.

[1:03:05] It's not that pretty a locket.

[1:03:07] It is not.

[1:03:08] And the pictures he chose of the kids, not the best, to be honest.

[1:03:11] Of the baby, I get it.

[1:03:13] It's hard to take a really good picture of a newborn baby.

[1:03:15] They're weird looking.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:16] Yeah.

[1:03:17] There's only one master, Ann Geddes.

[1:03:19] But you have to travel to a remote hideout.

[1:03:23] You gotta stick that baby inside a watermelon place.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:24] You gotta go to the top of a Himalayan mountain to find her in her secluded studio where she

[1:03:29] does strange and bizarre things with babies.

[1:03:32] You got those footages of them inside of marmermelons or butternut squashes or other non-penis

[1:03:38] shaped plants.

[1:03:39] Ann Geddes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:40] That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:43] She is at a forge and she's hammering a costume for a baby that makes a baby look like a strawberry.

[1:03:50] And like, Ann Geddes.

[1:03:51] And she turns and has a long beard.

[1:03:53] How'd you find me?

[1:03:56] I told you I was done.

[1:03:57] I was done with all that.

[1:03:59] We need someone to take a picture of a baby dressed up as a little four-leaf clover to

[1:04:03] save the president's life.

[1:04:04] You're the only one who can do it.

[1:04:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:07] So, now we do final judgments.

[1:04:10] Inconceivable.

[1:04:11] Whether this was a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[1:04:16] Stuart, what do you think?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:18] I think this movie verges on good-bad at times.

[1:04:25] It's probably closer to a bad-bad.

[1:04:27] But I think there's some moments of good-bad.

[1:04:29] So, if you're like, if you're just thirsty for a good-bad and you want to pop something in,

[1:04:34] this won't be the best thing.

[1:04:36] Hopefully, you'll have something else to fill out that double feature.

[1:04:39] Yeah.

[1:04:40] But it's pretty goofy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:41] If you pop it in with some pals to watch it and laugh at the goofs, you won't have the

[1:04:45] greatest time of all time.

[1:04:46] But you won't have a bad time.

[1:04:47] Yeah.

[1:04:48] It's a lower-level good-bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:50] Yeah.

[1:04:50] No, I'll make it three.

[1:04:52] Marginal good-bad.

[1:04:53] And I think I'm just a sucker for these weird Hand That Rocks the Cradle-esque domestic

[1:04:59] thrillers.

[1:05:00] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:00] The movie about Orson Welles' play being shut down?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:04] That's The Cradle Will Rock.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:05] Oh, right.

[1:05:07] Yeah, Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

[1:05:08] That's the one about...

[1:05:09] That's like another...

[1:05:10] A hand?

[1:05:11] No, I know.

[1:05:11] It's the one about a killer nanny.

[1:05:13] Yeah.

[1:05:13] All right.

[1:05:13] Yeah, they are...

[1:05:16] It's considering it's a situation that I don't know if it's ever happened.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:21] It seems inconceivable.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:23] But also unforgettable.

[1:05:26] And maybe limitless?

[1:05:29] But also 10,000 BC.

[1:05:32] And Jonah Hex.

[1:05:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:39] Hi, everybody.

[1:05:41] I'm Justin McElroy.

[1:05:42] And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy.

[1:05:44] Every week, we release a medical history podcast called Sawbones.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:48] We go over the history of the dumbest, grossest, weirdest stuff humans have been doing to each

[1:05:53] other since the dawn of mankind.

[1:05:55] But it's a funny show.

[1:05:56] But it's also so disgusting and stomach-turning, you won't believe it.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:02] But it's also like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:03] Funny.

[1:06:04] It's funny.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:05] It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff you can imagine.

[1:06:10] It's a real hoot.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:11] It's called Sawbones.

[1:06:12] And we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold, and right here on MaximumFun.org.

Jesse Thorn

[1:06:25] Hey, MaxFun listeners.

[1:06:26] It's Jesse, the founder of MaximumFun.org.

[1:06:29] I have some pretty incredible holiday news for you.

[1:06:32] So you remember last year's MaxFun Drive.

[1:06:35] We offered pins for all of our shows to folks who donated.

[1:06:39] And we agreed to donate all of the net revenue from the pins to the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank.

[1:06:47] Well, I, just yesterday, had the chance to hand a giant check to a representative from the Food Bank.

[1:06:54] You're not going to believe how much money you gave to give needy families food.

[1:07:01] Over $100,000.

[1:07:05] $100,365 to be specific.

[1:07:10] That means nearly half a million meals for families who need food this year.

[1:07:16] I'm really proud of every single MaximumFun donor who made this possible.

[1:07:22] It's a remarkable achievement.

[1:07:25] A beautiful thing.

[1:07:26] It completely obliterated my idea and expectation of what we might be able to do this year.

[1:07:32] So, as you head into 2018, please be proud of what this amazing community did for hungry families in the Los Angeles area where MaxFun is based.

[1:07:43] If you'd like to keep the love rolling, go to lafoodbank.org slash maximum fun.

[1:07:49] That's lafoodbank.org slash maximum fun.

[1:07:53] And you can make a tax-deductible donation there.

[1:07:56] Every dollar that you give means four meals for needy families.

[1:08:01] Thanks to all of you who support everything that we do.

[1:08:04] And thanks for your incredible contribution to folks who need it here in our hometown.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:18] We've got a couple of sponsors from the Flophouse.

[1:08:20] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:20] Thanks, sponsors, for paying us money.

[1:08:22] And we'll talk about your products.

[1:08:23] And they're great.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:23] Including a new sponsor.

[1:08:25] And that's RX Bar.

[1:08:27] Support from the Flophouse comes in part from RX Bar, a whole food protein bar made with 100% whole ingredients.

[1:08:34] No halves.

[1:08:36] Look.

[1:08:37] You know, you get these diet bars or these, like, protein bars that have got a bunch of crap in them.

[1:08:43] And you don't know what it is.

[1:08:44] And they've got, like, a huge number of calories.

[1:08:47] RX Bar.

[1:08:48] What it's got is three egg whites, two dates, six almonds, and a little bit of flavoring.

[1:08:54] And that's it.

[1:08:56] And we got some samples.

[1:08:59] I quite liked them.

[1:09:00] I'm trying to lose a little bit of weight.

[1:09:03] I had them.

[1:09:04] Oh, get out of here.

[1:09:04] You look great.

[1:09:05] Thanks, buddy.

[1:09:07] Thanks for that.

[1:09:08] That sincere expression.

[1:09:13] But I had these for breakfast one week.

[1:09:16] They were great.

[1:09:16] They come in 11 dishes.

[1:09:18] Delicious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:19] 11 different.

[1:09:20] We're dishes.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:21] Put them on a dish.

[1:09:23] 11 delicious flavor varieties.

[1:09:24] It's breakfast.

[1:09:25] It's breakfast.

[1:09:25] Take the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:26] Put it on a dish.

[1:09:27] Yeah, come on.

[1:09:27] It's the most important meal of the day.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:29] And if you've got dietary restrictions, RX Bars are gluten-free, soy-free, and dairy-free.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:34] I'll say that at a show I worked at recently, The Fake News with Ted and Elms, which premieres after this, before this episode comes out.

[1:09:41] So I guess it doesn't make sense to plug it.

[1:09:43] But we had a lot of-

Dan McCoy

[1:09:44] If it's Comedy Central, they'll rerun it over and over again.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:47] True.

[1:09:48] We had a lot of crap to eat.

[1:09:50] And one of our producers, Mike Falbo, who's a great guy, he said, you know what?

[1:09:55] We're eating too much unhealthy stuff.

[1:09:56] And he went out and got a bunch of boxes of RX Bars.

[1:09:58] And everybody started feeling better because they weren't so weighed down and feeling gross eating like Fritos all the time.

[1:10:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:07] I mean, Fritos for breakfast is crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:09] No, they weren't for breakfast.

[1:10:10] It's just like for snacks around, you know.

[1:10:12] But would it be crazy, man?

[1:10:14] I'm just imagining eating like cereal now.

[1:10:18] Pouring water and milk over there.

[1:10:19] Yeah, but instead of milk, it's queso.

[1:10:22] Oh, okay.

[1:10:23] Frito.

[1:10:23] Cheerio.

[1:10:24] They have the same last name.

[1:10:25] Can't be that different.

[1:10:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:27] That last name is O.

[1:10:29] That last name.

[1:10:30] I love it.

[1:10:32] I'm Mr. O, and this is my wife, Mrs. O.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:34] I'm Cheery, and this is Fritos for the O Brothers.

[1:10:37] This is the end, of course, our estranged brother, Dorit.

[1:10:41] Oh, hi.

[1:10:42] Nice to meet you.

[1:10:43] I'm Cheat.

[1:10:43] No relation.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:45] RX Bars are great for lots of occasions, like breakfast on the go, like I had it, or a pre- or post-workout snack.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:50] Or just a snack at work.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:52] Yeah.

[1:10:52] For 25% off your first order, visit rxbar.com slash flophouse and enter promo code flophouse at checkout.

[1:11:02] And we're also sponsored by an old favorite, Mack Weldon.

[1:11:07] Oh, wow.

[1:11:07] One of my favorites.

[1:11:09] I'm wearing Mack Weldons right now, I think.

[1:11:10] I think I am, too, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:12] Let me yank Elliot's pants down.

[1:11:14] Let me see.

[1:11:15] Oh, yep, they're there.

[1:11:16] Yep.

[1:11:16] I've got my testicles or cradled so beautifully in this Mack Weldon underwear.

[1:11:22] So right.

[1:11:23] Mack Weldon.

[1:11:23] I have both the freedom of movement and the airiness, but also I feel secure.

[1:11:28] Like, I'm not going to fall out of them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:29] Is that direct copy you're reading?

[1:11:31] No, this is just the way I think about Mack Weldon underwear.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:34] They're dedicated to making underwear, but also socks, shirts, undershirts, hoodies, and sweatpants

[1:11:40] that look and feel great.

[1:11:41] They believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

[1:11:45] And Mack Weldon wants you to be comfortable.

[1:11:48] So if you don't like your first pair, you can keep it, and they will still refund you.

[1:11:53] No questions asked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:54] Here's how I would explain how happy I am, how I feel when I'm wearing Mack Weldon underwear.

[1:11:59] I'm like a trapeze artist who is swinging free in the air, but I know that net's below me.

[1:12:05] So you know what?

[1:12:06] I'm not afraid.

[1:12:07] I'm just enjoying the exhilarating feeling of freedom of movement.

[1:12:12] You know?

[1:12:12] I'm like Brank Goosey's bird in space.

[1:12:14] I'm just pure energy movement.

[1:12:16] And I don't have to worry about anything that I worry about with regular underpants.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:21] Normally, yeah.

[1:12:21] Normally, you're sweating bullets.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:23] Normally, I'm sweating bullets like the Megadeth song of the same name, which is about too tight underwear.

[1:12:28] I'm worried about my sperm count because it's like I don't want these – there's a reason these things are in a sack that hangs below me because it shouldn't be too close to my body heat.

[1:12:37] Oh, okay.

[1:12:38] That's why the squirm exists.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:41] I thought it was to give people a natural weak point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:45] That too.

[1:12:46] That every good creature designer has to have a weak point because they're not invincible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:50] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:50] I read that in Rick Baker's autobiography.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:52] And also just throughout the day, the regular underpants just gets constricting, you know?

[1:12:56] But Mack Weldon's all day.

[1:12:58] It feels good.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:59] We got a special deal for our listeners.

[1:13:02] Go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code FLOP.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:07] Do you think they didn't want me to use the word scrotum in the ad?

[1:13:10] I mean, it's what we're talking about.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:12] I mean, they can't run away from what their product does.

[1:13:16] I mean, it's there to cradle your scrotum.

[1:13:17] That's the whole point, isn't it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:20] Although maybe they created a product to cover up scrotums because they don't want people to talk about it.

[1:13:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:27] Mr. Weldon is like, I hate scrotums.

[1:13:29] I have to cover up all the scrotums in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:33] Hideous.

[1:13:33] I mean, it is hideous, but.

[1:13:36] Yeah.

[1:13:36] What do we do next, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:13:37] We got a jumbo drawn.

[1:13:39] I thought I had time to look at my phone because Stuart was going to take over.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:43] Because you didn't want to be engaged in the rest.

[1:13:45] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:45] I'm looking up something for later in the show.

[1:13:47] Yep.

[1:13:48] Dan's over on Pornhub.

[1:13:50] So we got a j-j-jumbotron.

[1:13:53] Oh, this is awesome.

[1:13:55] Okay, cool.

[1:13:56] Enjoy cinematic failure.

[1:13:58] Then check out Nathan Rabin's Happy Place.

[1:14:01] Oh, wonderful.

[1:14:02] It's author, former AV club, and the Dissolve staffer, and Flophouse superfan Nathan Rabin's online home

[1:14:09] and the new home of his formerly popular column, My World of Flops,

[1:14:15] and Nathan Rabin's Happy Cast, Nathan's new podcast with Clint Worthington.

[1:14:22] Plus lots of stuff.

[1:14:24] It's quite good.

[1:14:25] So please visit NathanRabin.com and subscribe to Nathan Rabin's Happy Cast on iTunes.

[1:14:31] It would not be an exaggeration to call Nathan Rabin a friend of the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:36] He's been very good to us over the years.

[1:14:38] Yeah, wonderful.

[1:14:39] Written a lot of articles about the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:41] And I've been reading his articles not about the Flophouse for, I don't know, a decade?

[1:14:47] For years and years and years.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:47] Yeah, and what was it, about two years ago, the Dissolve split up.

[1:14:52] And it takes a lot of work for me to track down where all those writers are still writing.

[1:15:02] And so it's nice of Nathan to put this out there so you can find one of those writers.

[1:15:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:07] So yeah, definitely check that out.

[1:15:09] This is more than just a Jumbotron.

[1:15:11] Yeah.

[1:15:12] But other Jumbotrons, check out those too.

[1:15:14] But this one especially.

[1:15:16] Before we get into the next segment, I wanted to remind listeners that there's a new Flophouse comic book out.

[1:15:24] Oh, yeah.

[1:15:26] What's going on there?

[1:15:27] What's the story there?

[1:15:28] Well, tell us about it, Stuart, because it's your comic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:30] So it's the third in a series of three short stories that we wrote.

[1:15:35] On the theme of love.

[1:15:36] On the theme of love and romance.

[1:15:38] And being that it's us, L8's was about superheroes.

[1:15:43] Dan is about his own natural loneliness.

[1:15:46] And mine is about a couple of adventurers in a fantasy world who kind of get set up on a little blind date.

[1:15:57] Blind quest, if you will.

[1:15:58] To go exploring a dungeon.

[1:16:02] And the art is all provided by the incredibly talented Kelsey Ricks.

[1:16:07] That's great.

[1:16:08] And covered by Tom Fowler.

[1:16:11] And like all the stories in this series, all of the money is going to the Unidos disaster relief for Puerto Rico.

[1:16:24] The people that definitely still need a ton of help, even though you're not seeing about it on TV all the time.

[1:16:30] It's still.

[1:16:31] Oh, sorry.

[1:16:32] They just.

[1:16:32] I mean, they still need a lot of money.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:34] It's it.

[1:16:35] Puerto Rico is still in such bad shape.

[1:16:37] And they so need our help.

[1:16:38] And for anyone who's listening to this who's American.

[1:16:40] Those are fellow Americans who need us and are not getting the help that they deserve.

[1:16:44] And this is a small way that you can help and read a great story from Stuart.

[1:16:48] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:49] Check it out at Flophouse.com.

[1:16:52] Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:52] Podcast.com.

[1:16:54] Not Flophouse.com.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:55] That's something else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] We don't know what it is.

[1:16:57] Yeah, it's true.

[1:16:58] Look, go to the Flophouse website, URL TBD, and you'll find the comments.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:05] But now we turn to everybody's second favorite part of the show, letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:13] What's the first part?

[1:17:13] Everyone's first favorite part of the show is the song that goes into letters.

[1:17:19] People love it.

[1:17:21] It's their favorite part.

[1:17:22] Consistently topping the polls.

[1:17:25] Consistently everyone rolls all the way to the song.

[1:17:28] When they get a new episode, they see the movie discussion and hit.

[1:17:32] Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip.

[1:17:36] Is the song starting?

[1:17:37] No.

[1:17:37] Skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip, skip.

[1:17:39] Let's skip it along to the song.

[1:17:41] To listen any other way would feel so wrong.

[1:17:45] Because the song is the favorite part of the episode.

[1:17:48] It's that Flophouse letters song.

[1:17:51] Flophouse letters.

[1:17:53] Gonna read them right now.

[1:17:54] In a minute.

[1:17:55] But first we'll have a song.

[1:17:57] Like the one from Mr. Belvedere.

[1:17:58] Just like this.

[1:17:59] You know, sometimes letters come to the Flophouse.

[1:18:02] But first you gotta sing a song about them.

[1:18:04] And then there's the letters for the Flophouse.

[1:18:08] Whatever happened to the regular Flophouse song?

[1:18:11] Now it sounds like the Flophouse song.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:13] We just did this on the Fifty Shades Darker episode that just got released.

[1:18:19] I flapped myself.

[1:18:20] It's the same order.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:22] I certainly didn't do Mr. Belvedere then, did I?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:24] I think we did.

[1:18:26] Oh, really?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:26] Yeah.

[1:18:27] Well.

[1:18:27] We have a relatively.

[1:18:28] I do the theme song from Dinosaurs, but it has no lyrics.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:30] We have a relatively limited pool of references here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:34] Yeah.

[1:18:35] Okay, let me do a Flophouse Letters parody of the Odd Couple song.

[1:18:38] Do, do, do, do, do.

[1:18:40] Do, do, do, do.

[1:18:41] Do, do, do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:42] I've talked about this before, but there's something about like 70s sitcom music that just fucking

[1:18:48] bums me out so hardcore.

[1:18:51] It was a sad time.

[1:18:52] Like Charlene will be like, oh man, I'm kind of tired or down.

[1:18:56] I'm going to go to my happy place and watch some episodes of fucking Taxi.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:00] Oh, the taxi theme is so sad.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:02] Yeah.

[1:19:02] And I'm like, no!

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:06] I think the last of those was maybe what, the Cheers theme?

Dan McCoy

[1:19:09] Yeah.

[1:19:09] That's a pretty sad song.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:11] Pretty wistful.

[1:19:12] Wistful for another time.

[1:19:13] And like, life's hard.

[1:19:14] Go with your drinking buddies, you barf wife.

[1:19:17] The only time you're happy is when you're sucking down some booze.

[1:19:19] That's the 11 lyrics, right?

[1:19:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:22] Life is hard.

[1:19:24] So go with some drinking buddies, you barf wife.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:28] You want to go where you can drink yourself into a stupor.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:33] Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:34] And get the mess you made of your life.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:38] Now they're all like, they might be giant songs, right, guys?

[1:19:41] Yeah, everything's about tossed salad and scrambled eggs.

[1:19:44] Oh man, that song's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:45] Even that's like a 20-year-old song.

[1:19:47] Well, now they don't really do theme songs.

[1:19:49] It's like, it'll be like, ba-do-do-do.

[1:19:51] That's the whole thing.

[1:19:52] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:53] Yeah.

[1:19:53] Unless it's 30 Rock, then it's like...

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:55] No, there's a lot of those.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:00] Or it's like the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:03] Oh, well, that's Unbreakable.

[1:20:04] Yeah.

[1:20:04] That's because the music's done by the same person.

[1:20:06] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:07] Or it's like...

[1:20:08] Incomparable Jeff Richman.

[1:20:09] Mr. Tina Fey.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:12] Or like, Craziest Girlfriend has a new song each season.

[1:20:16] Those are great.

[1:20:17] Oh, I haven't watched the second season yet.

[1:20:19] You totally should.

[1:20:20] Aren't you like friends with her husband or something?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:22] We knew each other in college, and then we interned at the Daily Show together.

[1:20:25] So you're not friends is what you're saying.

[1:20:27] Now that I'm back in LA, I should get in touch with him.

[1:20:29] If anyone knows Dan Greger, let him know.

[1:20:31] I need to get in touch with him.

[1:20:32] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:35] So let's do letters.

[1:20:36] I'm the guy...

[1:20:37] This is from Randall, last name withheld.

[1:20:40] Randall Thor?

[1:20:42] The Dragon Reborn?

[1:20:44] Randall's Island?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:45] I'm the guy who wrote...

[1:20:47] Yeah, Dan, Randall's Island.

[1:20:49] God!

[1:20:49] I wish the listeners could see my eyes roll 480 degrees out of my head.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:55] I'm the guy who wrote asking what movie memorabilia would inspire them to break the bank, and I'm happy that Elliot was able to obtain a Gertie the Dinosaur.

[1:21:02] And I hope he is able to troggzunderheit.

[1:21:07] Ask him what that means.

[1:21:08] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:09] Do you know, Stuart?

[1:21:10] No.

[1:21:11] I mean, it's probably...

[1:21:13] It sounds Yiddish-y, so maybe that's why he's asking, in which case...

[1:21:15] Randall, thank you for making it possible for me to get that Gertie, but I don't appreciate the stereotyping about my native language.

[1:21:21] I'm an American, and I speak English.

[1:21:23] I have another question.

[1:21:24] It also could be...

[1:21:25] It sounds kind of Dutch, too.

[1:21:26] I mean, it also could be trollish.

[1:21:28] I don't know.

[1:21:28] Yeah.

[1:21:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:30] I have another question, and I've been thinking about this since listening to the October Scary Movie episodes.

[1:21:35] That's a long time ago.

[1:21:36] As I'm getting older, I'm finding fewer horror movies that scare me.

[1:21:39] Aw.

[1:21:40] Excluding documentaries, what is a movie that legitimately scares you?

[1:21:44] Are they horror movies or more realistic-slash-dramatic movies?

[1:21:48] Is The Shining or Alien still able to scare you upon repeat viewings?

[1:21:52] I did watch a Korean movie called The Wailing, and I found that very scary.

[1:21:56] Thanks, and I sincerely hope you all have a great new year.

[1:21:59] Randall, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:02] Yeah, movies still scare me all the time.

[1:22:03] It Follows scared me like crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:05] Really?

[1:22:06] Yeah.

[1:22:06] I liked It Follows, but I found it...

[1:22:09] I more took pleasure in the atmosphere than...

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:11] You identified more with the following creature than the kids.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:15] Why won't you give them a chance?

Dan McCoy

[1:22:17] Stop running.

[1:22:18] I guess that scene where they were trying to get into the barn or whatever it was, I found that very intense.

[1:22:23] Oh, that's one of the least...

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:24] Really?

[1:22:25] There's...

[1:22:25] I find the...

[1:22:27] I have a lot of bad dreams that involve being chased by a thing that keeps going through...

[1:22:32] I cannot shake, so maybe that was it.

[1:22:34] That's a primordial fear, I think, that it tapped into.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:38] That's weird.

[1:22:38] Most of my dreams lately are caused by the two cats that are wrestling around on top of me on the bed, and they are very strange dreams.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:48] I think the last movie that really scared me, and this is a little while back now, was The Descent.

[1:22:54] That really fucked me up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:56] Oh, you mean the movie where it is terrifying because they're trapped underground before monsters show up?

[1:23:02] Exactly.

[1:23:03] It actually gets less scary.

[1:23:04] Yeah, as soon as you see the monsters, you're like, please, show me how to get out of here.

[1:23:08] Oh, good.

[1:23:09] Finally, I can ask for directions.

[1:23:11] Yeah, you're like, oh, great.

[1:23:12] It's capable of sustaining life down here.

[1:23:14] That's nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:15] I do a horror movie double feature every October, and I usually pick a fun horror movie, and then one year I picked The Descent, and everyone was horrified.

[1:23:24] It was not fun enough.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:26] Yeah, I mean, I find...

[1:23:29] I think I'm a pretty easy audience with horror movies.

[1:23:32] I kind of get scared easily.

[1:23:35] I like the book it's biggest...

[1:23:36] What?

[1:23:38] Bears out, yeah.

[1:23:39] I think it's because I have a pretty active imagination.

[1:23:45] But, I mean, I think the scariest movie I saw this year was, I feel more like a difficult movie, and that was Hounds of Love, which is probably going to...

[1:24:00] I'm still trying to figure out my favorite movies of the year, but I feel like that was easily one of the most memorable experiences I had this year.

[1:24:07] Or the top ten list you're writing for BuzzFeed?

[1:24:09] Yeah.

[1:24:12] Hey, guys.

[1:24:12] I just got hired by BuzzFeed to write one top ten list.

[1:24:17] No, but I don't know.

[1:24:18] Like, I can't help but...

[1:24:20] You like to make lists.

[1:24:21] I like to make lists.

[1:24:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:22] Yeah.

[1:24:23] You're a regular high fidelity.

[1:24:24] Mm-hmm.

[1:24:25] That's mean.

[1:24:25] I find that, yeah.

[1:24:26] I find movies are creepy to me more than like, ah, scary.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:31] I mean, I'm clearly Jack Black in high fidelity.

[1:24:33] Yeah, yeah, of course.

[1:24:33] You're the nerdy guy.

[1:24:35] Dan is John Cusack.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:36] But I get to...

[1:24:37] I end up with, what, was it Gilbert at the end?

[1:24:40] Probably, yeah.

[1:24:41] That's fine.

[1:24:41] I don't remember that movie that well.

[1:24:42] Yeah, that's what happens.

[1:24:43] But the...

[1:24:44] I'm okay with that.

[1:24:45] The...

[1:24:46] I think there are movies like The Witch or like Creep where I can't...

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:52] Wait, which one?

[1:24:53] There's a couple of Creeps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:54] The first one that the...

[1:24:56] Are you talking about with the Duplass one?

[1:24:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:24:58] The Duplass one.

[1:24:59] Yeah.

[1:24:59] Not the TLC song.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:02] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:02] There's one where there's a creature in the subways called Creep.

[1:25:05] Oh, no, not that one.

[1:25:06] The Duplass one.

[1:25:07] Yeah, that TLC song is fucking awesome.

[1:25:09] It's not scary, though.

[1:25:11] It's like I'm not scared while watching the movie, but it's eerie enough that afterwards

[1:25:16] my imagination starts taking over.

[1:25:18] And I'm like, I'll be lying in bed and just thinking like...

[1:25:21] Duplass gonna get me.

[1:25:22] Like, Duplass is just gonna walk through that door right now wearing that wolf mask and I

[1:25:25] don't know what to do.

[1:25:26] Yeah.

[1:25:27] Yeah, it was a pretty creepy movie.

[1:25:29] Lived up to the title.

[1:25:30] The titular Creep was a creep.

[1:25:35] Well, thanks for the letter.

[1:25:37] Thanks, Randall.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:37] And thanks for inspiring my, you know, new favorite object that I own.

[1:25:42] The next letter is from Eli, last name withheld.

[1:25:46] Eli Lilly?

[1:25:47] That's right.

[1:25:50] Despite you guys being my favorite podcast...

[1:25:52] Thanks.

[1:25:53] I'm not into movies at all.

[1:25:55] My friend, however, is an aspiring...

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:57] Wait, not into movies at all just means doesn't watch them ever?

[1:25:59] Like, hates them?

[1:26:00] I mean, this isn't a conversation.

[1:26:02] You were gonna ask for a letter?

[1:26:03] I don't understand.

[1:26:03] Ask Eli.

[1:26:04] Ask Eli.

[1:26:04] Eli, what does that mean?

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:07] What do you get from?

[1:26:08] Well, kind of...

[1:26:09] Did the letter change?

[1:26:10] Kind of TV is the new movies, so maybe he's also not into TV.

[1:26:15] That's true.

[1:26:15] And music is the new food.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:18] So...

[1:26:18] Think about it.

[1:26:20] How does he feel about...

[1:26:21] I've chosen music to survive now.

[1:26:21] Yeah, and 40 is the new 20, which means that we need to eat a lot of...

[1:26:25] I guess, so 40 ounce now and only have 20 ounces in it?

[1:26:28] Or is it the other way around?

[1:26:29] If you're drinking 20...

[1:26:31] We'll get to this later.

[1:26:32] Okay.

[1:26:32] Yeah, Dan, the letter...

[1:26:33] So he doesn't like movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:34] Yes.

[1:26:35] My friend, however, is an aspiring director who's actually made some pretty bangin' short

[1:26:38] films.

[1:26:40] With candlelight...

[1:26:40] With candlelights popping off, I was hoping you guys could give me a little insight into

[1:26:44] what to get her.

[1:26:46] Do you know any good books about directing or movies or really anything that isn't just

[1:26:49] like, buy her a movie set?

[1:26:51] Do you buy movie sets?

[1:26:53] God, probably.

[1:26:54] Please help me.

[1:26:54] What's a movie...

[1:26:55] Like the place they shoot a movie?

[1:26:56] I have no idea what you're saying.

[1:26:58] I'm so lost and I just spent half an hour desperately Googling every movie buzzword from your podcast.

[1:27:03] Do you drink your water?

[1:27:04] Do you drink any kind of that?

[1:27:04] I don't know.

[1:27:05] Maybe.

[1:27:05] That's fine.

[1:27:07] Anyway.

[1:27:08] Well, with that water distraction done.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:10] So I am so lost and just spent half an hour desperately Googling every movie buzzword

[1:27:14] from your podcast.

[1:27:15] Keep it real, Eli.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:16] Yep.

[1:27:16] That's the end of the...

[1:27:17] P.S.

[1:27:18] We'll get to that.

[1:27:19] Her favorite series is the Hobbit Lord of the Ring movies, but she already has every single

[1:27:23] one and all of the behind the scenes stuff.

[1:27:24] Please save me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:25] I wonder if...

[1:27:26] So there's a bunch of good movies about...

[1:27:29] A bunch of good movies.

[1:27:30] There's a bunch of good books about making movies.

[1:27:32] Yeah.

[1:27:32] Like if she hasn't read like Rebel Without a Camera, the Robert Rodriguez movie about making

[1:27:37] El Mariachi on a super low budget, or there's movies about big budget movie making that are

[1:27:42] really good like The Devil's Candy about the making of Bonfire of the Vanities.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:49] There's the famous book, When the Shooting Stops, The Cutting Begins about editing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:53] Oh, by Ralph Rosenbaum.

[1:27:54] Yeah.

[1:27:54] Actually, that's a great...

[1:27:55] That's a fantastic book.

[1:27:57] Sidney Lumet had a book called Making Movies, I think, about his process of making movies.

[1:28:02] Like there's a bunch of good books that are either about the making of specific movies

[1:28:06] and you can pick up lessons from it, or they're literally about here's how you make a movie.

[1:28:09] I mean, Lloyd Crawford's book I've never read.

[1:28:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:11] Or the...

[1:28:12] It came from the video aisle, the full moon pictures.

[1:28:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:15] That too.

[1:28:16] I like the two Mark Harris books, Pictures at a Revolution and Five Came Back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:21] There's also...

[1:28:21] There's a book called The Evil Dead Companion about the making of Evil Dead movies that I

[1:28:25] found surprisingly touching and that like is about how they...

[1:28:29] How a bunch of friends got together and made those first two Evil Dead movies basically.

[1:28:32] Yeah.

[1:28:34] There's a...

[1:28:34] Yeah.

[1:28:35] Pictures at a Revolution is really good.

[1:28:36] Five Came Back is really good.

[1:28:38] There's a movie...

[1:28:39] There's a book called Final Cut that's really good that involves, among other things, the

[1:28:43] Heaven's Gate debacle and how that screwed up that studio.

[1:28:46] There's the book The Studio by...

[1:28:48] Was it Philip Gregory Dunn?

[1:28:50] Is that his name?

[1:28:51] Yeah, that's him.

[1:28:52] That where he just spent a year at 20th Century Fox in the late 60s and wrote about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:58] It also sounds like your friend is an aspiring director who's already done some directing.

[1:29:03] Maybe your friend needs one of those giant director bullhorns.

[1:29:06] Yeah.

[1:29:06] Or those jodhpers.

[1:29:07] Or those jodhpers.

[1:29:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:08] Or a big clapper.

[1:29:10] Yeah.

[1:29:10] Yeah, yeah.

[1:29:11] Here's what...

[1:29:12] Yeah.

[1:29:12] A jodhpers, a big bullhorn, a beret, and a folding chair.

[1:29:17] Yeah.

[1:29:18] But not one that folds up like a regular folding chair.

[1:29:20] Folds sideways like a director's chair.

[1:29:23] Yeah.

[1:29:23] Okay.

[1:29:24] If you got them a director's chair with their name on the back, that'd be a pretty sweet

[1:29:27] gift.

[1:29:28] That'd be awesome.

[1:29:28] Why do they all use those chairs?

[1:29:30] They're not the most comfortable chairs.

[1:29:31] They're very easy to move around and set up.

[1:29:33] Yeah.

[1:29:33] And you're constantly moving the chairs because you're constantly changing setups.

[1:29:36] That's true.

[1:29:36] Yeah.

[1:29:37] Well, that was not a funny answer, but it is the real answer.

[1:29:41] Very easy to move.

[1:29:43] And the people who move them get very frustrated if you try to move them yourself to save them

[1:29:46] trouble, they're like, that's my job.

[1:29:48] Just let me do that.

[1:29:49] You put it in my place.

[1:29:49] It's a union gig.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:50] Probably.

[1:29:51] Yeah.

[1:29:52] It's an onion gig.

[1:29:55] Okay.

[1:29:56] So I hope that those helped.

[1:29:58] That was a long list.

[1:29:59] And I hope that other people who are interested in maybe like movie books got a little help

[1:30:03] from that too.

[1:30:04] This last one is from Doc, last name withheld.

[1:30:07] Doc Brown.

[1:30:08] Okay.

[1:30:09] Marty.

[1:30:10] We've got to go back to the past.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:12] I love your podcast.

[1:30:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:15] It's getting to be that wintry time of the year when I like to curl up by the fireplace

[1:30:20] and watch my favorite so bad it's good Christmas movie, Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, starring

[1:30:26] Aubrey Plaza as the voice of Grumpy Cat.

[1:30:28] Some of the best casting ever.

[1:30:29] I like that it's not gender traditional.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:31] I think a lot of people assumed Grumpy Cat was a male cat.

[1:30:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:34] My wife insists that the movie is so bad it's terrible and has begged me not to watch it

[1:30:38] again this year.

[1:30:40] So what are some other options for bad good Christmas movies?

[1:30:43] Alternately, are there any movies that would not necessarily be considered Christmas canon

[1:30:47] but that really evoke the spirit and true meaning of the season?

[1:30:51] Gremlins.

[1:30:52] Dan, don't start in on your Die Hard bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:55] Dan, we all consider Die Hard a Christmas movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:58] I mean, he did say parentheses like Die Hard and I omitted that from the letter just because

[1:31:02] I didn't want to get into that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:03] Yeah, because he want to be the only one telling everybody at the bar that Die Hard's a Christmas

[1:31:08] movie.

[1:31:08] So anyway, Gremlins.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:10] Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

[1:31:12] Is that said at Christmas?

[1:31:13] I've never seen it.

[1:31:13] Yeah, it's said at Christmas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:15] That's a great Christmas movie.

[1:31:16] Now, Die Hard 2, that's a Christmas movie as well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:21] One part of The Thin Man is set at Christmas.

[1:31:23] These are not so bad, they're good.

[1:31:25] These are good movies.

[1:31:26] Yeah.

[1:31:27] Those are non-traditional Christmas movies.

[1:31:29] Or like, you know what?

[1:31:30] Halloween is a very non-traditional Christmas movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:32] Set at Halloween.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:35] Or like Born on the Fourth of July, non-traditional Christmas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:38] If you're looking for a bad, bad Christmas movie, you can just watch fucking A Christmas Story.

[1:31:44] Oh, wow.

[1:31:45] Wait, what?

[1:31:45] Yeah, it's not a good movie.

[1:31:47] With Ralphie and everything?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:48] Yeah, I don't like that movie.

[1:31:49] No, I like that movie.

[1:31:50] That's a good movie.

[1:31:51] Okay, whatever.

[1:31:52] We can agree to disagree on this one.

[1:31:54] Also by Bob Clark, you watch Black Christmas.

[1:31:57] Yeah, that's great.

[1:31:59] So, one movie that is a good, bad Christmas movie that Hallie, and I think you, Elliot, introduced

[1:32:07] me to, was Single Santa Seeking Mrs. Claus.

[1:32:09] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:10] That's one of Hallie's favorites.

[1:32:11] It was starring Steve Guttenberg as Santa Claus's son.

[1:32:13] Yeah, and Crystal Bernard as the love interest.

[1:32:16] Yeah, who becomes Mrs. Claus by the second movie in which they're expecting a child.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:20] Oh, really?

[1:32:20] There's a sequel?

[1:32:21] Mm-hmm.

[1:32:21] Oh, I gotta see that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:22] Yeah, this sequel, you might call it if there were chipmunks in it, but they're not.

[1:32:25] Uh, yeah.

[1:32:26] There's a very, and in fact, this gets me into my favorite type of Christmas movie.

[1:32:30] Look, let's just get one thing straight.

[1:32:31] I don't give a shit about Christmas.

[1:32:33] Uh-huh.

[1:32:33] Don't celebrate it.

[1:32:35] Don't.

[1:32:35] It's not that I don't like it.

[1:32:36] I just don't have a feeling about it.

[1:32:38] Mm-hmm.

[1:32:38] And I had had a surprising number of conversations in the past few weeks with people who assume

[1:32:42] I'm going to be doing the rudiments of Christmas celebration.

[1:32:44] I will be doing none of it.

[1:32:45] But I do find the concept of Santa Claus fascinating, and I love that there are a lot of movies about

[1:32:51] Santa Claus's extended family.

[1:32:53] Mm-hmm.

[1:32:53] There are so many movies about Santa Claus's kids.

[1:32:56] Many of them made for TV.

[1:32:57] All these people have played Santa Claus's children.

[1:32:59] Kelsey Grammer, Steven Gutenberg, Jenny McCarthy, Kathy Ireland.

[1:33:03] Uh, what's his name from, um, what's that actor's name?

[1:33:08] Who's the older actor?

[1:33:09] He was on Mad Men for a couple seasons.

[1:33:11] Uh.

[1:33:12] Brian Goldberg.

[1:33:12] Jared Harris.

[1:33:13] No, no, no.

[1:33:14] No, older than that.

[1:33:16] Um, I can't remember his name now.

[1:33:18] Anyway, there's also Angela Lansbury starring a movie about Mrs. Claus, where she steals the

[1:33:23] slay away and starts a labor movement.

[1:33:26] Uh, in New York at the turn of the century, uh, there's movies about, there's just like,

[1:33:31] there's so many movies about Santa Claus's family and kids, and so many of them involve

[1:33:35] the kid having to take on the role of Santa at some point.

[1:33:39] And they are, um, it's amazing that so many of them exist.

[1:33:42] I think they're hilarious.

[1:33:44] Yeah.

[1:33:44] So just dig into those.

[1:33:46] Just pop on single Santa Seek Christmas clothes or Mr. St. Nick with Kelsey Grammar or Santa

[1:33:51] Baby with Jenny McCarthy.

[1:33:52] There's two of those.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:53] Yeah.

[1:33:54] Stuart, do you have any thoughts on this or do you not?

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:56] No, I, uh, I mean, just watch Ernest Saves Christmas, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:00] Yeah.

[1:34:01] Oh, yeah.

[1:34:01] Yeah.

[1:34:02] Yeah.

[1:34:02] There's one great gag in it that I remember where, like, the whole, like, the sleigh is

[1:34:08] gonna go down and hit the ground.

[1:34:11] Talking about the joke from the trailer?

[1:34:14] Yeah.

[1:34:14] I think it was air brakes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:16] I love it.

[1:34:17] Yeah, and then he, yeah, he makes his typical mugging to the camera.

[1:34:20] Yeah.

[1:34:20] Talking about Vern.

[1:34:21] Yeah.

[1:34:22] Which is you, the viewer.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:24] That's what that means.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:25] We're all Vern in Jim Barney's world.

[1:34:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:30] Uh, so now we move on to the last segment of the show.

[1:34:33] This show is still going?

[1:34:35] You were the one who had 50 pages of notes on the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:39] You wrote more about this thing than I wrote in my, like, senior thesis.

[1:34:46] Uh, also about Inconceivable.

[1:34:47] Yeah.

[1:34:48] Yeah.

[1:34:49] I got a D.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:50] This is where we give recommendations of movies.

[1:34:52] For definitely good.

[1:34:53] That you should watch.

[1:34:55] Movie recommendations.

[1:34:56] Uh-huh.

[1:34:57] Dan?

[1:34:57] And do you have one, Dan?

[1:34:59] Sure.

[1:34:59] Uh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:00] Sure, he said, as if we just asked him out of the blue to recommend a movie.

[1:35:04] As if he didn't know the segment was coming and then introduced it himself.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:07] I didn't know necessarily that I was gonna go first, but I'm happy to.

[1:35:10] Do you want me to go first so you can have time?

[1:35:11] No, I have a movie.

[1:35:13] Uh, I would like to recommend The Verdict.

[1:35:15] Oh, that's a good movie.

[1:35:16] Uh, starring...

[1:35:18] Paul Newman.

[1:35:19] Paul Newman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:20] I can see in Dan's head of him going, salad dressing, pop it on.

[1:35:24] Who is it?

Dan McCoy

[1:35:25] Directed by Sidney Lumet.

[1:35:27] No!

[1:35:28] Oh, yeah, it is.

[1:35:28] Um, and written by David Mamet.

[1:35:31] Um, and, uh, it's a movie about an alcoholic, uh, lawyer played by Paul Newman, who...

[1:35:39] You got it on the second try.

[1:35:41] Who gets what should be a slam dunk settlement case, um, about a woman who goes in for a childbirth and the anesthesiologists kill her, uh, accidentally.

[1:35:53] And, uh, he normally is this ambulance chaser who would settle out of court, but he goes and he visits the woman and something kind of wakes up inside him and he's like, no, this will not stand.

[1:36:04] I'm taking, uh, the archdiocese, this is a Catholic, uh, hospital to court and he's going to go up against them.

[1:36:12] And he is going up against a well-stocked group of, um, very hotshot lawyers with, uh, James Mason at the head of them.

[1:36:21] And it's just a courtroom drama, but it's more of a character study about this alcoholic lawyer who is refinding, respecting himself, uh, through the job.

[1:36:31] And, uh, it's very good and engrossing and great acting, obviously, from the cast.

[1:36:36] It looks beautiful, too.

[1:36:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:39] Stu, you want to go or you want me to go?

[1:36:41] I'll go.

[1:36:41] Uh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:42] I'm going to recommend a horror movie that came out this year called, uh, Devil's Candy.

[1:36:48] Not the movie.

[1:36:49] Not the book about Bonfire of the Vanities.

[1:36:51] Not that book.

[1:36:52] Okay.

[1:36:52] This is where we recommend movies.

[1:36:54] So I'm recommending a movie called Devil's Candy.

[1:36:58] Uh, it's directed by the guy.

[1:36:59] I think it's directed by the guy who directed that, uh, Australian horror movie, The Loved Ones.

[1:37:05] Um, or Loved One, uh, which was about a girl and her father abducting the cutest boy in school.

[1:37:12] And, like, putting him through, like, a nightmarish, like, prom date scenario.

[1:37:19] Uh, and that, that was a movie that I liked but was almost a little too, uh, like, unpleasant for me.

[1:37:28] Um, and I think this movie, uh, that was a few years ago.

[1:37:32] And I think The Devil's Candy's a little, um, I think it's a little easier to watch.

[1:37:36] Uh, it's scary and it's shot very well.

[1:37:41] There's, um, it's a very pretty movie to watch.

[1:37:44] Uh, it's about a family that, uh, a family who move into a, like, a farmhouse kind of, uh, further away from where they're used to living.

[1:37:57] And the farmhouse has a dark past.

[1:37:59] The family that lived there before died.

[1:38:02] And, uh, the, the husband is an artist and he starts hearing, uh, he starts hearing voices.

[1:38:09] And, uh, the, and there's, you know, and they're, they have some financial pressures as well.

[1:38:15] Um, and then there's a, there's a killer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:18] But, uh, the, uh, but the, the very, very, the lead.

[1:38:24] Everyone's like, I guess I'll see this movie about the financial pressures.

[1:38:27] It sounds spooky.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:29] Uh, so there's some great little performances in there.

[1:38:32] Specifically, uh, there's a great performance from Pruitt Taylor Vince, uh, who you would remember as, like, the.

[1:38:40] Big hulking guy in anything.

[1:38:42] Yeah, the big hulking guy who can make his eye do kind of weird things.

[1:38:46] I'm assuming that's him intentionally doing that or not.

[1:38:49] I don't know.

[1:38:49] I'm sorry.

[1:38:49] But he's great.

[1:38:50] Um, and he's great in this movie.

[1:38:52] And, uh, yeah.

[1:38:55] So it's a, it's a little bit of a difficult watch.

[1:38:58] But I thought it was pretty great.

[1:39:00] And it was definitely scary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:03] Sounds great.

[1:39:04] And I'm going to recommend, I'm going to go out on a limb and recommend an older film.

[1:39:08] Not something I usually do.

[1:39:09] I'm going to recommend The Furies, which is a western from 1950 that Anthony Mann directed.

[1:39:14] Uh, he's known for a lot of great westerns.

[1:39:16] And it's got Barbara Stanwyck in it.

[1:39:19] And it's got Walter Houston in it.

[1:39:20] And, uh, it's about the, uh, the owner of a ranch called The Furies.

[1:39:26] And he's one of these guys who kind of runs his land like a feudal land baron, even issues

[1:39:30] his own money called TC's because he's, his name is TC.

[1:39:33] And his daughter, Barbara Stanwyck wants control of this ranch and will not stop any, will not

[1:39:40] let anyone get in her way of keeping control of it or getting control of it.

[1:39:44] And it's very soap opera-y, but it gets very, like, uh, intense at a lot of different points.

[1:39:51] Uh, it's a movie in which, not to give too much away, Barbara Stanwyck at one point throws

[1:39:56] a knife at another woman's face.

[1:39:57] Uh, but it's mainly about control over this ranch and the men going in and out of Barbara

[1:40:02] Stanwyck's life and kind of how twisted you can become when you clearly have the ability

[1:40:10] to do something, but society has deemed that your role is, will not let you do that thing.

[1:40:15] When you're brilliant at running a business and society has deemed you're a woman, you

[1:40:19] don't get to run a business.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:20] Uh, but it's also really soapy and good.

[1:40:22] I liked it a lot.

[1:40:23] The Furies, it's called.

[1:40:25] Okay, great.

[1:40:26] Three great recommendations.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:29] Yeah, why are you looking at me?

[1:40:30] You got a problem with my recommendation?

[1:40:32] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:33] You did when you thought it was a book.

[1:40:35] Admit it.

[1:40:35] Yeah.

[1:40:36] Uh, so that's it for this episode.

[1:40:39] Thanks, as always, for listening.

[1:40:42] Um, there's a lot of great podcasts over at MaximumFun.org.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:47] Yeah, and we just, they just added a bunch, a bunch of new ones.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:50] Including a couple.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:51] Yeah, they just added, uh, they just added Switchblade Sisters.

[1:40:56] Yeah.

[1:40:56] That's hosted by April Wolf, and it gives a female perspective to filmmaking.

[1:41:00] Oh, good.

[1:41:00] Which is great.

[1:41:01] Um, and then they, and we also have Who Shot Ya?

[1:41:03] Which Elliot was just a guest on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:05] I was just a guest on, actually, uh, this past Friday it came out, so it'll be a couple

[1:41:10] weeks old by the time you hear this, but the episode of Who Shot Ya?

[1:41:13] about The Room and the Disaster Artist and Bad Movies.

[1:41:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:41:16] And it was a lot of fun to record.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:18] Was it fun to record a show with people who know stuff and aren't just,

[1:41:21] like, goofy ding-dongs?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:23] Uh, they were still fairly goofy, but it was, it was nice to mention a movie and they'd

[1:41:26] be like, ah, yes, ah, yes.

[1:41:28] Instead to mention it and just have blank, empty stares from YouTube.

[1:41:31] You told me that.

[1:41:32] Oh, YouTube gorillas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:33] You told me that we were like the funny ones and they were the, the smart ones.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:38] I don't know.

[1:41:39] They're pretty funny.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:40] And smart and better looking.

[1:41:42] They got it all.

[1:41:42] Wow.

[1:41:43] They got, it's the trifecta.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:45] Yeah.

[1:41:45] They, they really ran, ran the numbers on that.

[1:41:47] But, uh, uh, but yeah, Who Shot Ya?

[1:41:49] It's a real fun podcast.

[1:41:50] Really good.

[1:41:51] They have good movie discussions there.

[1:41:52] So if you like movies, definitely listen to that.

[1:41:54] And Switchblade Sisters.

[1:41:55] And lots of other Max Fun podcasts.

[1:41:57] Because you know what?

[1:41:57] It's not just about movies.

[1:41:58] It's about life.

[1:42:00] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:00] There's lots of good stuff out there.

[1:42:02] Life is about life.

[1:42:04] Uh, anyway.

[1:42:05] Although the Muppets did say life's like a movie.

[1:42:07] Mm-hmm.

[1:42:07] Write your own ending.

[1:42:08] And Muppets also said.

[1:42:10] People's is people's.

[1:42:11] Wait, I can write my own ending to a movie?

[1:42:13] Isn't that?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:13] Well, the diner owner said that.

[1:42:16] Oh, right, right.

[1:42:17] Um.

[1:42:18] In the movie Diner starring the Muppets.

[1:42:19] That's right.

[1:42:20] Uh, so thanks for listening.

[1:42:22] And for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:42:24] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:26] And I'm Elliot Kalin with my best buds, Stuart Dan, on my favorite movie podcast.

[1:42:30] The Flophouse.

[1:42:31] Good night, everyone.

[1:42:32] Who shot just a great podcast.

[1:42:43] Okay.

[1:42:44] All right, let me start.

[1:42:45] Let's warm up.

[1:42:46] Pop-pop-y-pop-o.

[1:42:48] Mama-me-ma-mu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:50] What are we in the future segment of, uh, that fucking movie?

[1:42:54] That Wachowski Brothers movie?

[1:42:56] Uh, Clouds.

[1:42:57] Clouds.

[1:42:58] Clouds.

[1:42:58] Are we in the future part?

[1:43:00] Everybody talks like that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:02] Everyone talks ma-mo-me-mo-mo.

[1:43:04] We need to, we need to really build a futuristic language that's the loophole.

[1:43:08] What if everyone just goes ma-mo-me-mo-mo?

[1:43:10] Okay, great.

[1:43:12] Maximumfun.org.

[1:43:14] Comedy and culture.

[1:43:15] Artist owned.

[1:43:17] Listener supported.

Ep.#247 - Inconceivable

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description