Ep.#247 - Bright

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Bright.

[0:03] Starring Will Smith, Joel Edgerton, and Los Angeles plays itself.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] Hey guys, I'm Stuart Wellington. What's up?

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] I see Stuart poised, there we go, to open a can, so I'll wait before I introduce myself.

[0:46] I'm Elliot Kalin, the third co-host of this show, and in many ways, the glue that holds it together.

[0:51] The hand that rocks the cradle.

Stuart Wellington

[0:55] I think you're just remembering that movie.

Dan McCoy

[0:57] The great mouse detective.

[0:59] The Mouse That Roared.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01] Well, that kind of.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] The Nine and a Half Weeks.

[1:08] The Finnegan's Wake? No, that's a book.

[1:10] Was there another Finnegan that you were thinking of?

[1:13] Was it Finnegan's Rainbow?

[1:15] Yeah, I think it was Finnegan's Rainbow.

[1:19] If you want to see a boring musical, check out Finnegan's Rainbow.

[1:23] That's my pull quote.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25] Wow, I didn't know this was Dan Bash's theatrical performances.

[1:30] I mean, there's a movie version of it too.

[1:31] Okay, which, is that good too, or bad, or?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] Dan?

[1:36] Dan, come on, dude.

[1:37] I'm sorry.

[1:37] You introduced the concept of Finnegan's Rainbow.

[1:39] I'm looking directly at you.

[1:41] Dan, I don't know if I want to defend your hot take on Finnegan's Rainbow.

[1:46] You're going to have to answer to all the Redditors who are mad at you about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:51] Yeah, all the fans are like, that's not my Finnegan.

[1:54] My Finnegan would never do the things in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] They go, this is not very, not very.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] Come on, you're mocking a fan.

[2:05] I know.

[2:05] Get it right.

[2:06] You know what?

[2:06] Get it right or pay the price.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] Finnegan's Rainbow powers are all different in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11] Guys, let me level with you.

[2:14] Okay.

[2:14] Yeah, okay.

[2:15] We are in New York City, a city I've been visiting from my new hometown of Los Angeles,

[2:20] of which more in the show.

[2:22] And we are about to get hit by a cyclone bomb of snow.

[2:26] And that means my flight was canceled.

[2:28] And now I'm kind of having trouble focusing on anything other than wondering if I'm going

[2:32] to be able to get out of this shit town and get back to sunny Los Angeles.

[2:37] So I apologize if my ability to imitate a Reddit commenter who is angry that Finnegan's Rainbow

[2:46] is not as close an adaptation of the original source material, which I assume is a comic

[2:51] book series of some kind, as he would like it to be.

[2:54] I apologize if my ability to do that has been hampered somewhat by my fearing for the

[2:58] lives of myself and my family.

[3:00] Because we're trapped in New York in the year 27, no, 2018.

[3:06] Sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] This is certainly worth all the airtime you're devoting to.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] I'm just saying, in the years 2018, roving gangs of cyborg marauders have taken to the

[3:16] streets of New York.

[3:17] And only a roller skating gang called the Solar Babies.

[3:22] Naming themselves after their favorite movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:25] One thing's for sure.

[3:27] We haven't lost it.

[3:29] Like, the three of us back in the same room.

[3:32] It's electric, right?

[3:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] It's like the movie Solar Babies.

[3:38] That's electric.

[3:39] Every moment's great.

[3:40] Yeah.

[3:40] So guys.

[3:41] So what the fuck do we do on this podcast then, dudes?

[3:43] That's what I was going to ask.

[3:43] We don't talk about weather and weird bullshit that nobody knows about.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] We don't talk about Solar Babies.

[3:48] That's what our Solar Babies podcast.

Dan McCoy

[3:50] You're yelling at me as if I brought Solar Babies up.

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] Damn.

[3:54] Why are you always bringing up Solar Babies?

[3:55] No, you're right.

[3:56] You brought up Finian's Rainbow, an even dumber thing to bring up than Solar Babies.

Stuart Wellington

[4:02] At least most of our listeners are probably immediately checking YouTube to see if there's an illegal stream of the movie Solar Babies right now.

[4:10] Mm-hmm.

[4:11] If they're not, I lost my faith in them.

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:15] This is a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Wait.

[4:17] No.

[4:17] Check.

[4:18] Back up.

[4:18] Okay.

[4:19] Guys, what happened to us?

[4:20] We are losing it.

[4:21] We watched Bright and suddenly our minds are not working properly.

[4:26] We watched it.

[4:28] Yeah, what happened?

[4:28] Damn, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:30] Did somebody do?

[4:31] Damn, don't fight the Bright.

[4:32] Don't let Bright take over.

[4:34] Fight the Bright.

Stuart Wellington

[4:35] Did somebody hit you on the magic wand and make you forget how to talk?

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] It's like a magic spell was cast to stop people from criticizing Bright.

[4:43] Like, what did you think of that movie Bright?

[4:45] Oh, you know, it wasn't very good.

[4:46] What?

[4:47] You know, it was pretty bad.

[4:49] I assume it was good.

[4:50] You're just not telling me.

[4:51] It was a little Yorkish, I'm assuming.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] Something that you learned after watching the movie and liking it so much.

Elliott Kalan

[4:56] Because you loved it so much.

Stuart Wellington

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:58] So, Dan.

[4:58] So, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:59] What do we do on this podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[5:00] Not a movie.

Dan McCoy

[5:01] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie.

[5:06] You do great.

[5:07] Keep fighting the Bright.

[5:07] And then we talk about it.

[5:09] And in this case, we took a little detour from what we usually do, which is watch theatrical

[5:15] releases and watched a Netflix film.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] But this is the first of Netflix's new slate.

[5:21] I guess they're hoping of giant feature films.

[5:25] Yeah.

[5:25] You know, they want to show they can make movies just as big and just as dumb as anybody.

[5:32] Yeah.

[5:32] And then they can advertise the shit out of them.

[5:36] Because why spend any money advertising, say, the return of a cult classic television series

[5:42] called, let's just call it, Blistery Blance Bleeder, Bleed Blowsen, Blah Blah Burn.

[5:47] Why would you spend a dime to promote that?

[5:49] Yeah, I mean, that sounds great.

[5:50] A family show anyone can watch.

[5:52] That provides hilarity and lifts the spirit when you can spend millions promoting a movie

[5:57] where a cop is partnered with an orc and they fight about a wand.

Stuart Wellington

[6:02] The show you're talking about, it sounds like a project that would appeal to long-time fans,

Elliott Kalan

[6:07] but also, you know, be welcoming to new viewers.

[6:10] And maybe it would give a fresh spin on an old favorite in a way that would make both the original episodes more lucrative

[6:16] and give them a wider base.

[6:17] And also, you know what, introduce a fresh cast of characters and maybe a great head writer who is ready for the big leagues.

[6:23] But no, that sounds silly.

Stuart Wellington

[6:24] Why don't we instead give all that money to a bad movie made by people who make other bad things?

[6:31] Well, you know, everyone tried hard, probably.

Dan McCoy

[6:34] Elliot suddenly turned into, like, the movie maker's grandma.

[6:38] Everyone tried hard.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] Look, I want to tell them that Bright wasn't for me, but I'm glad they had fun.

Stuart Wellington

[6:44] Now that Elliot's moved to L.A., he's like, gotta hedge my bets.

[6:48] There's a chance that me and Joel Edgerton might run into each other at Spago or something.

[6:55] Wait, is that there?

[6:56] Yeah, that's the spa where you go.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] Weird, okay.

[6:59] It's a pooping spa.

[7:00] Oh, okay.

[7:02] For the constipated.

[7:04] Yeah, there is the part of me now that more than ever, now that I'm not in the New York topical satire bubble,

[7:10] now that I'm no longer in a New York state of mind, and instead I'm living in an L.A. minute,

[7:14] what L.A. songs are there?

[7:17] I'm now like—

Stuart Wellington

[7:18] I mean, you love L.A.

[7:19] I know that about you.

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] I mean, all I want to do is have some fun until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard in L.A.

[7:25] There is a part of me now that's like, how many bridges am I burning every time I do this podcast?

[7:31] Well, I don't think that many people listen to it.

[7:35] Silver lining, Stu.

[7:36] Silver lining.

[7:38] But Bright is, in Netflix's mind, I guess, this is the first wave of major Netflix motion pictures.

[7:44] Looks like I know.

Stuart Wellington

[7:45] And also, normally, we watch a movie that's either a critical or financial flop, and this movie,

[7:50] though it didn't necessarily technically make money, Netflix claims it was a huge success.

[7:55] It got a record number of viewers, and they've already greenlit a sequel, so—

[8:01] Brighter.

[8:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] No, I mean, like, I don't—

Dan McCoy

[8:03] Fifty Shades Brighter.

[8:04] I don't want to get into this too much because I'm stupid on the subject.

Stuart Wellington

[8:07] Let's just say I'm—

[8:08] Which subject are you stupid?

[8:09] Of the many that you're dumb on?

[8:10] Unlike, what, the Netflix?

[8:12] So what happens is you load up your Netflix player.

[8:15] Okay, thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] Yes, Stuart.

[8:16] Wait, no, I've been having some trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[8:17] How do you get onto it?

[8:18] So it's going to give you an option for account.

[8:20] You've got to pick the account that is yours.

[8:22] You don't pick somebody else's account because they might have different faves than you.

[8:25] Can I take—what if I just pick the kid's account?

[8:28] You don't want to do that.

[8:30] Okay.

[8:31] You're going to see some crazy stuff.

[8:33] So you're going to go to your account, and there's going to be a bunch of recommendations.

[8:36] And you know what?

[8:37] Just watch those.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] I mean, just trust Netflix, dude.

[8:41] How do I—so I have the screen full of, I assume, what you're—it's just a list of text titles.

[8:46] Yeah.

[8:46] And I, like, what do I—

[8:48] Yeah, you use your cursor.

[8:49] Okay.

[8:50] Did it, what, highlight the one that I want to see?

Stuart Wellington

[8:52] Yeah, you right-click on the thing, and then you drag it into your viewer box.

[8:55] And then what do you type in, like, run.exe Netflix?

[8:58] No, that's crazy.

[8:59] That was in the original version of Netflix.

[9:01] Oh.

[9:02] This one, you just drag it into the viewer box, and then you strap on your goggles, and you're ready to go.

Elliott Kalan

[9:07] Sounds easy.

[9:08] Sounds super easy, and that's how I can watch Cheers.

Stuart Wellington

[9:11] I mean, you can watch any episode of Cheers you want, as long as it's between seasons two and four.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] I mean, the—no joke aside, for me, Netflix lately has become a Cheers delivery device.

[9:21] Oh, that's great.

[9:22] My wife and I will get me home, and we'll put our son to bed, and then it's like,

[9:26] maybe then we'll have dinner, and it's like, you know what?

[9:28] Let's just watch Cheers.

[9:30] And so if you go to the recently watched section in my Netflix account, I think it's just Cheers.

Dan McCoy

[9:34] Yeah, and the Netflix keeps suggesting wings to you now.

[9:38] And I'm like, they're not the same, Netflix.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] I'm not going to go hang out in a fucking airport.

[9:44] It keeps suggesting it's always sunny in Philadelphia.

[9:47] And it's like, just because they're both set in bars doesn't mean they're in any way similar, Netflix.

[9:52] You're judging me only by the setting of the show I watch.

[9:55] I don't mean level of success and the day and the video connection.

[9:58] Yeah, okay.

[9:59] Yeah, I guess, you know what?

[10:00] You're right.

[10:01] I didn't know about that.

[10:01] I'm right.

[10:02] Yeah.

[10:02] It's just like when I watched Exit to Eden, and now it shows me nothing but cops undercover at S&M resort movies.

Dan McCoy

[10:10] So the subject I'm dumb on, though, is the economics of the showbiz business.

Stuart Wellington

[10:15] Yeah, okay.

[10:16] That's kind of what I was talking about.

[10:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:17] But this movie cost $90 million.

[10:20] It was widely reported.

[10:23] And is this movie going to draw in people?

[10:26] Are people going to be like, I've got to subscribe to that Netflix so I can watch Bright?

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] It's all about having content that people get excited about so that they subscribe to your thing.

[10:34] Right.

Dan McCoy

[10:34] But I understand that, I guess, when they're making television shows, but when they're making,

[10:40] or even like mid-range movies that are not, like, Netflix has had a lot of success actually

[10:46] before this making kind of like middling budget films.

[10:48] Like what?

[10:51] Like, I guess that Gerald's Game?

[10:55] Okay.

[10:55] Maybe?

[10:57] Or Mudbound?

[10:58] No, like the Adam Sandler movies.

[10:58] They didn't put a lot of money into Gerald's Game?

Stuart Wellington

[11:01] How did Bruce Greenwood get so fucking shredded, right?

[11:05] He took his shirt off, and I'm like, dang, tie on top of me.

[11:09] I was like, whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] Nothing good can come of that.

[11:15] Now every time I see Bruce Greenwood in a movie, though, I'm like, he plays Secretary McNamara

[11:20] in The Post, and I was like, oh, man.

[11:23] There's no way Secretary McNamara was as shredded as Bruce Greenwood is.

[11:27] There's no way.

[11:28] But all I could think about was-

Stuart Wellington

[11:29] Like, why does he keep pouring water all over his shirt?

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Why is Ginuwine's pony coming up?

[11:37] It's like, I don't understand.

[11:38] I don't believe that in the cabinet meetings he would just rub milk into his own chest.

[11:43] But all right, okay.

[11:45] You're the boss, Steven Spielberg.

Dan McCoy

[11:49] Anyway, this is a movie about orcs and some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[11:52] So let's talk about Bright.

[11:53] So Bright is, I'm going to use a term that I don't think is a technical term, but I'm going

[11:59] to introduce it now in case people, in case there's people who need a term for it.

[12:04] Yeah, TM.

[12:05] And I'm just going to call it a cut and paste.

[12:06] Okay, TM.

[12:07] And maybe that exists already, but a cut and paste to me is when you take the real world,

[12:13] you stop being polite.

[12:14] Okay.

[12:15] Sure.

[12:15] And you start being real.

[12:16] Yeah.

[12:17] Where you take the real world-

[12:18] I think that's already taken.

[12:18] And you go, what if this thing, instead of living in a world where there's no magical monster

[12:25] beings, what if instead of other human races being in different parts of the racial hierarchy

[12:32] in America, what if instead it was like mythical beings?

[12:37] And then you kind of cut and paste things so it's like in our world, there are street

[12:43] gangs of non-white races in many cities because they're shut out of economic opportunity and

[12:49] often sequestered into parts of the city that are not the best to live in and so forth.

[12:53] But what if instead of that, they were orcs?

[12:58] And then nothing else was different.

[13:01] So the- and actually in this case, they didn't even totally cut and paste because there's

[13:05] still Latino street gang that we see running around in this.

Dan McCoy

[13:07] Yeah.

[13:07] But bright-

[13:08] And they're never like well thought out analogies too.

[13:11] I mean like we are not the first to point this out, but maybe if you're making a movie

[13:15] about racism, don't postulate that other races are literally not human.

Stuart Wellington

[13:20] They're literally monsters?

[13:21] Yeah.

[13:22] Yeah.

[13:22] Well, there was an ad for a show on Fox, I think.

[13:30] It was a futuristic cop show about a guy who's partnered with a robot.

[13:35] Oh yeah, I remember that show.

[13:36] And the robot's a black man and the posters just kept showing this man's face with the

[13:40] name of the show, Almost Human on it.

[13:43] You're like, get the fuck out of here.

[13:45] Was the robot black?

[13:46] I thought- yeah, I thought so.

[13:48] Yeah, the robot was black.

[13:48] Oh, I guess I never really watched it.

[13:50] In theory, I guess the other guy could be- he could have been the not robot.

[13:56] Maybe he was the human cop.

[13:57] But it was still the face they were showing with the phrase almost human.

[14:00] And it seemed in poor taste.

Elliott Kalan

[14:02] It's the- it's the- so setting aside, I feel like we could spend a lot of time talking

[14:07] about the kind of misguided attempt at a racial message in this where in fact you are instead

[14:14] showing- it's one of those things where it's like, the reality is that human beings are

[14:19] relatively interchangeable, like, and that different humans have different individual

[14:26] capabilities or abilities.

[14:28] I get it.

[14:28] I know what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[14:29] I'm not really your best friend.

[14:31] You have a bunch of other people who are close- you're just as good as me and everyone's

[14:36] interchangeable.

[14:37] I get your message loud and clear, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] I think you're misunderstanding me completely, Dan.

[14:41] You were telling me that you do have a Dan out in LA who's like, you know, not really

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] the life of the party, but he shows up and that really helps.

[14:53] Don't tell him about my other Psy Guy.

[14:55] I'm sorry, Dan.

[14:55] I didn't mean to use that term.

[14:57] I know that only your kind can use the word Psy Guy to describe yourselves.

[15:01] Or depressed modes.

[15:03] That's another one that you guys use.

[15:04] What were you saying?

[15:05] I'm sorry.

[15:06] That human being- like, this movie, it's one of those things where once you create actual

[15:10] different species, Zootopia is kind of similar to me, where it's like, the idea of fighting

[15:16] racism is to show that humans are all human and that stereotypes about race are based on

[15:23] constructs that are not- usually not accurate.

[15:26] Occasionally, they're accurate.

[15:27] My family is very Jewish.

[15:30] But besides that, there's a- but when you- instead when you be like, orcs are at the bottom,

[15:36] elves are at the top, isn't that fucked up?

[15:38] And it's like, in this world, orcs are monster men.

[15:42] And elves have magic powers.

Stuart Wellington

[15:45] Yeah, we have almost no- and we're given relatively no information about any of these.

[15:50] Like, what the differences are.

[15:53] They don't- I mean, they don't seem to be that different, but I guess then they start

[15:58] being ninjas later on.

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] Yeah, but that- like, you're creating a racial hierarchy where there are very real differences

[16:04] between species.

[16:05] It just upends your message.

[16:07] And the implication seems to be like, oh, wait, sir, are you- are you saying other races have

[16:10] different powers and abilities?

[16:12] And that's why things are the way they are?

[16:15] Like, that's screwed up.

[16:15] That being said, the movie does have one beautiful thing in it, which is the single centaur policeman

[16:23] whose face we never see.

[16:26] He's just kind of in the background a couple times.

[16:27] And it's such a dumb pun on the idea of a mounted policeman.

[16:31] Like, hey, in this world, policemen don't ride horses.

[16:34] They are the horses.

[16:35] Oh, what?

Dan McCoy

[16:36] It's like Mel Brooks stopped by set one day and he's like, I got an idea.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] And they're like, great, Mel.

[16:41] Toss it in.

[16:42] You got it.

[16:43] But anyway, let's just- so- but Bright is a world where 2,000 years-

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] It's crazy that they put that fucking centaur policeman in the movie and at no point does

[16:52] he like chase somebody down.

[16:54] He never helped- the heroes never have to ride away on him.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] Oh, God.

[16:57] It's such a waste.

[16:59] It is such a waste.

[17:00] Speaking of wasted opportunities, the movie Bright.

[17:02] So, we're in a world where 2,000 years ago there was some kind of Hobbit-style wars of armies.

Stuart Wellington

[17:09] Elliot, before you get too into it, how does the movie open?

[17:13] Okay.

[17:13] Does it open right into credits?

[17:15] No, there was text on screen, though.

[17:17] No, there was the text of a prophecy.

Elliott Kalan

[17:20] Oh, right.

[17:22] Yeah, I'd forgotten.

[17:23] I've already forgotten what the prophecy said because it was so dumb and so unrelated.

[17:29] Should we go- now, here, guys.

[17:31] I was going to try to do this one not in quite as much detail as I usually do it.

[17:34] Thank God.

[17:35] So, I want to talk about-

[17:36] Think the dark lord.

[17:37] So, I'm going to do the concept first.

[17:39] But if you want, I can do it scene by scene.

[17:40] We open with a quote from a prophecy.

[17:42] Let me just do some world building here.

[17:44] Okay.

[17:44] So, 2,000 years ago, there was some kind of Hobbit-style war of nine armies or Lord of the Rings style against a dark lord who-

[17:52] We only see him in spray-painted graffiti and he seems to be basically Elric of Melnibonet.

[17:58] Like, just kind of a big pale elf.

[17:59] That's pretty good pronunciation there.

[18:01] Thank you very much.

[18:03] I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to figure out how to pronounce that name.

[18:07] But it doesn't-

[18:08] So, and orcs were on the wrong side of this battle.

[18:12] 2,000 years later, this is still an issue.

[18:16] Now, again, those kinds of things can last for 2,000 years.

[18:20] There's still people who don't like Jews because of the story of the crucifixion.

[18:23] And there are other people who don't like Jews because they just don't like them.

[18:26] There are people who are still-

[18:27] Like, there's still that holiday in-

Dan McCoy

[18:30] Elia, it makes you feel better.

[18:31] I don't like you for personal reasons.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] Thank you.

[18:33] I appreciate that.

[18:33] There's still-

[18:34] Is it Serbia where they still have a holiday commemorating their loss to the Muslims in the 14th century?

[18:42] Like, those kinds of-

[18:44] Those kinds of things hang over people for centuries.

[18:49] But here's the thing.

[18:51] If that's the case, how come everything else is exactly the same?

[18:56] Even the fact that you're-

[18:57] Everything is exactly the same.

[18:58] You're in a city called Los Angeles, which is named after angels, which is an explicitly, like, Judeo-Christian Muslim thing.

[19:06] And it's specifically a Catholic thing because that whole part of the country was originally settled by Spain and Mexico.

[19:12] Like, the idea that it's like we had this dark lord and there was magic and stuff.

[19:17] Jesus and angels were also-

[19:18] I mean, I feel like it's-

Stuart Wellington

[19:19] There's so many-

[19:19] There's so many weird anachronisms and weird-

[19:22] Well, not even anachronisms, just, like, weird things that wouldn't make sense that they would exist in a world with, you know, like, orcs and elves and stuff.

[19:31] That I would love to hear a commentary track for this movie where the guys from the Magic Tavern podcast explain everything.

Dan McCoy

[19:40] That would be wonderful.

[19:41] Chief Among Them, I think, is the part where, like, they reference the movie Shrek.

[19:45] And you're like, the movie Shrek wouldn't work in a world where these things are actual things.

Elliott Kalan

[19:49] Where they have actual magic-

[19:51] No, it would be like in Magic Tavern where they play that office role-playing game.

[19:56] Like, Shrek in that world would be set, like, in a normal place with just normal people or something like that.

[20:01] But also, at one point, the orc is like-

Stuart Wellington

[20:04] Like, if they were like, hey, the movie Shrek exists and all the orcs think it's fucking awesome-

[20:09] Racist.

[20:09] Or awesome.

[20:10] I like to think that they think it's amazing and they always are listening to, like, fucking Smash Mouth.

[20:16] Like, All Star is the, like, orc theme song.

[20:19] Hey, that's a movie.

[20:21] Damn, go tell Max Landis to change it.

[20:24] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[20:24] The fact that there was a moment where there's a Latino cop and he goes-

[20:28] And the orc cop is like-

[20:29] Because I'll tell you the plot in the moment.

[20:31] The orc cop is like, ugh, we're always the bad guy.

[20:35] And the Latino cop's like, hey, we're still getting blamed for the Alamo.

[20:38] It's like, so the Alamo happened in this?

[20:41] So there was still a war of some kind between Texas and General Santa Ana?

[20:46] Like, how did that-

[20:47] I mean-

[20:48] How does that work in a world where there are elves and fairies and orcs?

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] Yeah, which side was working for the Dark Lord at this point?

[20:54] I don't know.

[20:55] It's like the-

[20:57] It's like-

[20:57] It's something that we should-

Dan McCoy

[20:58] It's like one of those classic, like, alternate dimension things.

[21:00] Like, where you just, like, walk into another world and it's like, I don't know.

[21:04] There's-

[21:05] Everything's the same, but there's giant shrimp walking around.

[21:08] And I feel like that's like-

[21:09] I love this idea.

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] Wait, wait, no.

[21:12] Go on, Dan.

[21:13] Let's spin this world out.

[21:14] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[21:14] Now, are they cooked shrimp?

[21:16] Are they finished and prepared for plate?

[21:18] But they just happen to be enormous.

[21:20] They look like shrimp-

[21:21] They look like shrimp-

Dan McCoy

[21:21] They look like shrimp cocktails.

[21:23] Okay.

[21:24] Wait, so they're in glasses?

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] That's like a Doctor Who villain.

[21:27] That's how they sleep.

Dan McCoy

[21:29] They sleep in glasses.

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] In glasses?

[21:31] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[21:31] They like-

[21:32] Yeah, they hook their little heads over the-

Elliott Kalan

[21:34] Now, do humans exist here or are the shrimp the dominant species?

[21:38] Oh, no.

[21:38] I mean-

[21:39] And humans are their pets or their prey?

Dan McCoy

[21:40] No, I'm pitching a movie where there's a shrimp-

[21:43] There's a shrimp cop, see?

[21:44] And then there's a regular cop played by Bill Smith.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] Which is also Will Smith's name.

[21:53] That's true.

[21:55] Well, this is slightly less formal Will Smith.

[21:59] Now, this is set in an alternate world where he is Bill Smith.

[22:02] And instead of celebrating the Willennium, everyone celebrated the Billennium.

[22:07] Okay, I follow.

[22:09] You've done your homework.

[22:12] Now, strangely enough, there's always a ripple effect.

[22:15] So in that world, there's not a Bear Grylls, there's a Bear Wills.

[22:18] Sure, yeah.

[22:19] And of course, there's Grillie Nelson.

[22:21] Everything flips over to the next guy.

Stuart Wellington

[22:23] Yeah, and it's the Bubba Gump Crab Company.

Elliott Kalan

[22:26] That's right.

[22:27] Because they don't eat shrimp there.

Stuart Wellington

[22:29] Yeah, and when the audience sees that, they all gasp.

[22:31] They're like, what?

[22:33] You did it, you monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[22:35] I shouldn't have stepped on that butterfly in the past.

[22:39] Bubba Gump Crab Company.

[22:41] Then you go into the Seaforest Company, it's just like, soft shell crab.

[22:46] King crab.

[22:48] Anyway, so we're in Los Angeles.

[22:51] The year is now, but it's all fantasy stuff.

[22:54] And Will Smith, or Bill Smith as some refer to him, he's a policeman who is partnered with the first ever orc cop who has the very orcish name of Nick Jacoby.

[23:05] And Will Smith plays the part of Daryl Ward.

[23:09] Yeah.

[23:09] And he is kind of a jerk.

[23:11] He's not a great guy.

[23:13] And the movie opens...

Stuart Wellington

[23:13] Why couldn't his name have been like Clark or something?

Elliott Kalan

[23:16] What, Will Smith?

[23:18] Will Smith.

[23:20] You see, in this world...

Stuart Wellington

[23:21] First off, I'm not talking about Bill Smith.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] In this fantasy world, black men have names like Clark and Thor rock teeth.

[23:31] Everything else is the same.

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] Everything else is the same.

Elliott Kalan

[23:34] But, yeah, that's...

[23:35] Well, I think that's racist of you, Stuart, to assume an orc's gonna have a name like Clark.

[23:39] When he could have a name like Nick Jacoby.

[23:42] Which I guess, and this is something we were talking about while we were watching the movie, I assume was the name given to his family at Elvis Island, which is the Ellis Island that elves found in.

Stuart Wellington

[23:51] Elliot looked around for like two minutes waiting for us to laugh and give him high five.

[23:54] It's not an island that Elvis owned.

Elliott Kalan

[23:57] But that's the other thing.

[23:58] They could have done a joke on that.

[24:00] Like, is the Elvis of this world an actual elf?

[24:03] I mean...

[24:04] Now we're doing Shrek 2.

[24:05] Who died using a magic toilet.

[24:09] Oh, boy.

[24:10] Anyway, yeah, is the band T-Rex called T-Strex in this fantasy world?

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] Oh, I'm imagining the DeviantArt.

[24:20] Oh, no.

[24:22] Who's pregnant in this scenario?

[24:24] No.

[24:24] Still Knuckles.

[24:26] Or Tails.

Stuart Wellington

[24:27] Knuckles is never pregnant.

Elliott Kalan

[24:29] No, that's true.

[24:29] He's the impregnator.

[24:31] It's always Tails or Sonic.

[24:33] So, Will Smith is introduced waking up after a nightmare.

[24:37] He was shot in the line of duty.

[24:39] His partner is an orc, and his partner let the shooter, who was an orc, get away.

[24:44] The orc says by accident, Will Smith suspects it was on purpose.

[24:49] Will Smith's wife is angry because there's a fairy chittering around, flying around outside their window, and he wants Will Smith to go outside and kill it, which Will Smith does by hitting it with a broomstick.

[24:59] And we're never quite clear if fairies are sentient beings.

[25:02] They're positive to be more like squirrels in this world.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] Yeah, so you can just beat it to death with a broom.

[25:09] Yeah.

[25:09] Like you would a squirrel.

Dan McCoy

[25:11] While yelling, fairy lives don't matter, which is both offensive to the Black Lives Matter movement and also seems like a gay slur.

[25:19] So, good on you, Max Landis, I guess is what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] According to Twitter, he doesn't remember writing that line.

[25:25] Okay.

[25:26] He says he doesn't remember it.

Dan McCoy

[25:27] Anyway.

[25:28] Because he was on a Coke-fueled binge.

Stuart Wellington

[25:31] In his defense, that does seem like the sort of thing, like some idiot would sneak in at the last, like some executive would be like, hey, let's make it topical.

[25:39] Yeah, it's the equivalent of ADR.

Dan McCoy

[25:40] They're just like tossing in an extra line at the end of the script writing process.

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] Except I think he's on screen when he says it.

Dan McCoy

[25:46] No, I know.

[25:47] I mean, but it's like the script writing is the equivalent of ADR.

[25:49] And his mouth's moving.

[25:50] Oh, my God.

[25:51] You think he was saying something?

Elliott Kalan

[25:52] What would he say that would have those exact same lip flap movements?

[25:55] And they would change it afterwards.

[25:57] Let's get the bad lip reading guys.

Stuart Wellington

[25:59] Man, I keep referencing other things on the internet tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[26:02] You're being very topical.

[26:03] I like it.

Dan McCoy

[26:04] You're saying Barry White matters.

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] Okay.

[26:08] In that world, he does.

[26:09] He's Barry the White.

[26:11] And that's what he became after he fought the Balrog.

Stuart Wellington

[26:13] But he was Barry the Gray originally.

[26:15] It's for the TBS cut of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] But it's a Netflix film.

[26:22] Why are they selling the syndication rights?

[26:25] Yeah, this is what I'm saying.

[26:26] I don't understand the economics of this.

[26:28] So anyway, they're cops.

[26:31] Nobody likes the orc Nick.

[26:32] Everyone's racist against him.

[26:34] Everyone's like, Will Smith, you've got to get rid of him.

[26:36] Like, figure out some way to get rid of him.

[26:38] And Nick is-

Stuart Wellington

[26:38] They meet a bunch of other cops.

[26:40] The other cops give both of them a bunch of shit.

[26:43] The orc gets a kick me sticker on his back, which is kind of weird because it's not even funny.

[26:48] Like, are they laughing because it's ironically a bad joke?

[26:51] Like, I don't know, man.

[26:52] It's not clear.

Dan McCoy

[26:53] Well, this is an alternate universe where orcs exist, and that's a very funny joke.

Stuart Wellington

[26:56] And nobody's done that before.

[26:58] That was literally the first time.

[27:00] Ike Barinholtz shows up and is a jerk, and it's like, yeah, I guess he's getting that money, right?

[27:04] He's at his career peak of being like a goonie jerk, right?

[27:09] I mean, I wouldn't say that.

[27:11] I mean, he's a great comedic actor, but he's been in a bunch of these suicide squads, right?

[27:16] Yeah, that's true.

Dan McCoy

[27:17] He has that character headshot where it's like goonie jerk.

Stuart Wellington

[27:23] Yeah, I'm sure he's a very nice person in real life.

[27:26] Goonie doctor, goonie professor.

[27:26] You guys don't need to hedge your bets.

[27:28] I'm sure he'll still work with you after he listens to this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] I just don't know why you're taking such an interest in Ike Barinholtz.

[27:36] He's not a major character.

Stuart Wellington

[27:38] I want to know what he's going to do now that the Mindy project's done, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[27:42] All right.

[27:43] Well, Ike, if you're listening, write in.

[27:45] Yeah, write Stuart an email.

[27:46] Stuart Wellington, care of the flop house, 123 Main Street, New York, New York.

Stuart Wellington

[27:49] Wow, we've moved up in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] Not on Fake Street anymore, huh?

[27:54] No, Main Street now.

[27:55] So Nick is a real sweet soul for an orc.

[27:58] His fangs have been sanded down, his tusks.

[28:01] And he doesn't, you know what, he's a cop first.

[28:03] He's always wanted to be a cop ever since he was a kid.

[28:06] And he's not blooded, which is, it's not clear to the very end what that means exactly, but it's some kind of orc rite of passage when you show you have bravery.

[28:15] Some sort of werewolf bar mitzvah.

[28:16] Yeah, exactly.

[28:17] Yeah.

[28:18] Boys becoming men and men becoming wolves.

Stuart Wellington

[28:20] Yeah, and he's kind of like, he's like an eager puppy character where he just wants to kind of fit in and please and do his job right.

Elliott Kalan

[28:28] He's a little too innocent for my liking of it.

[28:33] He's, at times, he's almost, it's like you could have had him played by a child or like by Eddie Deason and the way he acts around Will Smith would not be that different.

[28:44] I'm just about the writing.

[28:45] Dan, I know you love Joel Edgerton.

Dan McCoy

[28:47] You thought his performance was amazing.

[28:49] I made one comment during the movie that I thought Joel Edgerton was doing a good job.

[28:53] And the shitstorm rained down upon me.

Stuart Wellington

[28:56] He's in bright like this and he's completely different in the movie It Comes at Night.

[29:00] What can this guy not do?

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] Just don't tell me he's some kind of warrior.

Stuart Wellington

[29:06] He's in the movie warrior.

[29:07] That's why I made that joke.

[29:08] I'm just explaining jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] I will say Joel Edgerton is clearly acting through a very thick layer of makeup that makes him look like, I mean, the whole thing is also, this is such a kind of alien nation rip off.

[29:20] And then the makeup makes them look even more like the alien nation characters in a way with their blocky splotchy heads.

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] I would have loved if the orcs drank like sour milk or spoiled milk or some shit, right?

Elliott Kalan

[29:32] Yeah, that's how they got drunk in alien nation.

Stuart Wellington

[29:34] That would be like, but there's literally no difference other than they all seem to fit very well into football jerseys.

Dan McCoy

[29:41] Now.

[29:42] Talk about a movie where like the world isn't really that different and there are aliens like running around all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[29:49] But the thing in alien nation is the aliens are a new arrival.

[29:53] Yeah.

[29:53] They're not, that's positing it's our world, aliens have just shown up and they're just starting to assimilate into human life and humans are just getting used to them.

[30:03] Yeah.

[30:03] It's a similar thing with the same.

Stuart Wellington

[30:04] I mean, the, one of the closest correlations is to the, the role playing game shadow run, which is set in like a cyberpunk future.

[30:12] But you have like, you know, you have all these fantasy races and those are all because there was like a ritual that brought magic back to the world.

[30:21] So it's all kind of a new thing that people have had enough time to kind of get over the newness of it, but it hasn't completely pervade.

[30:30] Like it hasn't completely taken over the culture.

[30:33] Yeah.

[30:33] Whereas this is a movie where it posits that like elves bring along, I guess, like ugly suits and iPhones.

Elliott Kalan

[30:42] Elves are super rich and they wear hilariously over tailored suits and they all drive sports cars.

[30:48] And there's one scene where they drive through the elf part of town and it's like future city.

[30:54] And there's the worst computer effect I've ever seen, which is literally just a nicely grassed traffic island.

[31:02] Yeah.

[31:02] With a gold fence around it.

[31:04] And it looks like they hand drew it in like a Disney cartoon.

Stuart Wellington

[31:07] And we've recently seen Fateful, or what is it?

[31:11] What's that Fateful Findings movie you watch with the super drawn in blowtorch?

Dan McCoy

[31:15] No, it looks like if you ever see.

[31:17] Oh, pass through?

[31:17] Pass through, yeah.

[31:18] If you ever see showgirls on like VH1 where they like rotoscope in.

[31:24] Like clothes?

[31:24] Like clothes.

[31:25] Like they put like bikini tops on the girls.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[31:30] They like waking life some bikinis on them?

Elliott Kalan

[31:33] Exactly.

[31:33] I spent this morning watching a bunch of old silly symphonies cartoons with my son.

[31:38] He loved them.

[31:39] And I felt there was more realism in those than this one shot of this bizarrely fakey looking traffic island.

[31:46] And like it's – anyway, so we see that.

[31:50] But let's –

Stuart Wellington

[31:50] But the introduction of the status of the different races is not unlike –

[31:55] if we were watching like a teen movie and somebody was taking the new student through the school and was like,

[32:01] this clique is the jocks, they're the toughest, this clique is the dumbos.

Elliott Kalan

[32:07] Like in Bratz when there's that great moment where they're going through all the different cliques and one of them is kids that dress like dinosaurs.

[32:11] Yeah, the dinosaur kids.

[32:12] That was great.

[32:14] So anyway, let's do the plot super fast.

[32:17] There's a crazy guy with a sword who's just rambling nonsense.

[32:20] He gets arrested by Will Smith and Joel Edgerton and he says to Joel Edgerton in Orkish,

[32:25] there's a prophecy and this guy is a chosen one and you're going to be great or whatever, some nonsense.

[32:31] He speaks in total mystic riddles, which does not prepare you for when that guy is being interrogated by the Federal Magic Task Force.

[32:38] And suddenly he is the most rational like kind of dude Lebowski type guy just talking about how there's this group that's collecting magic wands to stop the dark –

[32:48] Yeah, it's crazy.

[32:49] To bring the dark lord back.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] The Federal agents show up to interrogate him.

[32:52] One is an elf.

[32:53] He's pretty chill.

[32:54] And one is a big slob.

[32:55] And they ask him a couple questions and he's evasive.

[32:58] And then they basically explain the whole plot of the movie to us.

[33:03] Like and to theoretically a person they're interrogating for a crime.

[33:07] Yeah, that there are –

Dan McCoy

[33:08] Maybe he was driven mad by reading the plot of Bright.

Elliott Kalan

[33:11] And that's why he was so crazy before.

[33:13] There's a group of dark elves who are trying to bring back the dark lord.

[33:17] Now, the movie seems –

[33:18] I mean not technically drow, but yeah, I know what you're saying.

[33:21] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[33:21] And there's a woman whose name is – I don't even remember.

[33:26] But she's after another elf named Tika who's on the run.

[33:29] It's like Leela?

[33:30] Leela.

[33:31] Leela is the bad elf and Tika is the good elf.

[33:33] Tika is on the run with a magic wand.

[33:36] And if they can get their wands together, they can bring back the dark lord.

[33:39] It's kind of like the Nuki kids, right?

[33:41] Nuki and Miko?

[33:42] Yeah.

[33:42] Yeah, a little bit, yeah.

[33:43] I just thought it was funny their name was Tika because that's like a food.

[33:47] Yeah.

[33:47] It's true.

[33:48] Like every time it was so hard for me not to think chicken tikka masala.

[33:51] Every time.

[33:52] Just give her a different name.

[33:54] Yeah, I mean –

[33:55] Or is this a universe where India doesn't exist because it was destroyed by magic or something?

Stuart Wellington

[34:00] I mean that would require a little more footwork.

[34:02] I think it's a lot easier to just make Shrek jokes and say that all orcs play football instead of basketball because they can't jump high.

Elliott Kalan

[34:08] Yeah, but they're very tough.

[34:10] There's a moment where there's an orc wearing a football jersey that says fog teeth on the back or fog tooth.

[34:17] And I was like, I like that touch.

[34:20] So there must be like an orc football player whose name is something fog tooth.

[34:24] That's a jersey this guy wears.

[34:25] But it turns out there's a gang called the fog teeth or some garbage.

[34:29] And so that's why there's a ton of orcs wearing jerseys that say fog tooth.

[34:32] And I was like, dude, you're like undoing your own world building.

[34:36] Like, come on.

[34:37] Do gangs really wear jerseys with the name of their gang on the back?

[34:41] Is that like –

[34:42] That's called a team.

[34:43] You live in L.A., dude.

Stuart Wellington

[34:45] Yeah, you should –

[34:45] According to this movie, the rainiest city.

Dan McCoy

[34:47] That's the other thing.

[34:48] As far as I know, all gangs go around on roller skates or they dress up like baseball players.

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] Or they're the orphans, the gang nobody likes.

[34:57] I always keep trying to get me to come out and play, and I'm like, no.

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] You're like, get those bobbles off your fingers.

[35:03] Then we'll talk.

[35:04] Now, the things – here's what's the real fantasy aspect of this movie when it comes to L.A., from my experience.

[35:10] It's always raining in the movie.

[35:11] And I've lived in L.A. for almost five months now, and we've had, I think, an hour of rain in that time.

[35:17] Two, there's never any traffic on the streets.

[35:20] Oh, yeah.

[35:21] But also, what's realistic about this movie is it's constantly exploding and on fire, and L.A. is always on fire, apparently, as is my experience now, as there's constant flame ringing the city.

[35:32] But anyway, so Will Smith and Nick, they –

[35:37] Joel Edgerton.

[35:38] They respond to a call where there's a bunch of bodies that have been all burnt up and crazily destroyed.

[35:44] It turns out that's where the good elf escaped with her wand.

[35:47] But before they can figure out the story, they find the wand.

[35:50] They call for backup.

[35:51] The other police, who are racist, show up, and their plan is to tell Will Smith, kill the orc.

[35:56] We'll take the wand, and we'll use it to make all of our wildest dreams come true.

[36:01] And Ike Barron-Holtz goes, you want a million dollars?

[36:04] You got it.

[36:05] You want $10 million?

[36:06] You got it.

[36:07] And I wished he could have just kept going, just multiplying that.

Dan McCoy

[36:12] You want $10 million and wand dollars?

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] You got it.

[36:15] You want $11 million and $47?

[36:17] You got it.

[36:19] You want $13,500,000 and 14 cents and five euros?

[36:24] You got it.

[36:25] That's magic there.

[36:26] But magic wands can't be handled by just anybody.

[36:28] They make you explode.

[36:30] Unless you're a bright.

[36:32] And a bright is someone who can handle a magic wand.

[36:36] So it's like somebody with a lot of midichlorians or some other eugenics bullshit.

[36:40] Yeah, brightichlorians.

[36:43] Some kind of eugenics thing that Rian Johnson will right away.

[36:46] Yep.

[36:47] Thankfully.

[36:48] Because I like that movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] I like that Rian Johnson Star Wars movie.

[36:52] Oh, can we talk about that?

[36:53] Come at us, internet.

[36:55] Come at us, internet.

[36:55] I really liked that movie a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[36:57] I mean, I think the internet at large liked it.

[36:59] I think there is a vocal minority who most likely thought Bright ruled and is hate listening to this episode.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] They thought that Bright ruled and Last Jedi drooled.

[37:08] And I, respectfully, would reverse that.

[37:10] Oh, wow.

[37:11] Okay.

[37:11] I'm saying that Last Jedi ruled and Bright drooled.

[37:13] We're going right to final judgments.

[37:15] I'm Last Jedi.

[37:15] It rules.

[37:16] Did Bright have a scene where a famous Jedi milked a kind of probably sentient creature that was just bumming around on the beach

[37:25] and then guzzled that milk right in front of somebody to weird them away?

[37:28] It's so great.

[37:29] I love it.

[37:30] I love that moment.

[37:31] That's my favorite moment, I think, of any movie all year.

[37:35] But anyway, the, so.

Dan McCoy

[37:39] You're like, imagine you're like watching all of the Florida Project or something and you're like, no, not realistic enough.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] No, aliens.

[37:46] I don't think so.

S5

[37:49] I'm watching Mother and I'm like, pretty close, but not exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] So these dirty cops are like, kill that guy.

[37:57] Kill the orc to Will Smith.

[37:58] Kill the orc and we'll let you live.

[38:00] And long story short, Will Smith ends up, he interrogates his partner.

[38:06] He says, why did you let the orc that shot me get away?

[38:08] Why did you do it?

[38:09] You trust orcs more than you trust your fellow policemen.

[38:12] I'm your partner.

[38:13] And Nick, the orc, says, hey, I didn't let, I lost the guy who shot you.

[38:18] The orc that I found was a different orc.

[38:20] I could tell because he smelled different.

[38:22] But I let him get away because I knew the police who were showing up wouldn't believe me.

[38:26] And they would have killed him because they would think he shot you.

[38:28] I saved that orc's life.

[38:29] It was the right thing to do.

[38:30] That's when the dirty cops, one of whom we haven't even mentioned, is played by Margaret Cho, walk out.

[38:35] And they're like, time's up.

[38:37] And Will Smith shoots the dirty cops rather than be killed by them over the wand.

Dan McCoy

[38:40] Well, yeah, we didn't mention that the dirty cops plan was not just to get Will Smith to kill Jacoby.

[38:47] They're also like, once Will Smith left, they're like, we're going to kill Will Smith too.

[38:51] Which, as I said at the time, they really jumped to killing Will Smith early in that.

[38:57] I feel like their plan for everything has to be to kill Will Smith.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] Well, I will say that Will Smith in this movie is at his least charismatic.

[39:05] He's such a jerk.

[39:06] So he should be shot.

[39:07] To everybody.

[39:08] Yes, basically.

[39:08] When you're Will Smith and your charisma, to use a Dungeons and Dragons term, is a million bazillion plus or whatever.

[39:15] Wow, yeah, you know your D&D.

[39:17] And you're not using that charisma, then like, what are you even doing here?

Stuart Wellington

[39:21] Yeah, you're like, dude, roll your intimidator, roll your influence.

Elliott Kalan

[39:25] I don't even fucking remember D&D that well.

[39:28] Anyway, Will Smith kills those dirty cops and he's like, we got to go.

[39:32] They find the wand because the elf girl.

Stuart Wellington

[39:34] Yeah, he triggers bullet time and he kills all four of the cops.

[39:36] It's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[39:37] And the elf girl who they've met now and who talks to Nick and Elvish because Nick says he took Elvish in high school, explains that someone bad is coming.

[39:45] Her name's and that.

[39:46] Do orcs have to go to like a segregated high school?

[39:49] It's not really talked about.

[39:51] I assume it's not official segregation.

[39:53] But since so many schools draw from who lives in the area, it effectively is.

[40:00] Because as is made clear in the movie, orcs are the repressed minority.

[40:05] So orcs equals, I guess, black people, which means black people in the eyes of this movie are mythological monsters that can lift cars sometimes and have tusks.

[40:15] Anyway, so, but that's again, that's the problematic racial message that we don't have to get into because we're going to talk about how Tika, the elf girl, uses the wand to blow up a car.

[40:24] She then does not do anything to help anybody in the movie for much of the running time, as her ability to use a wand to create explosions is not used to stop the gang of 60 to 70 Latino guys who then chase them who want the wand because their leader, who's in a wheelchair, wants to use its magic to heal his legs, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] Now, as I was saying, when we were watching District 9, which is a movie that is kind of like this, but better in every way, there's like a warlord who also is in a wheelchair and he wants, you know, the technology so he can, you know, be better, right?

[41:00] They probably stole that idea from Bright.

Elliott Kalan

[41:03] Okay, you're probably right.

[41:04] And it's another, also one of those movies where, and maybe this is true, I don't know enough about gangs, but it's one of those movies where gangs have the highest military grade weaponry.

[41:13] Like, they're just firing automatic weapons and, like, they're one step away from missile launchers.

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] Remember, yeah, remember back in, like, Last Boy Scout where, like, every bad guy has, like, a MP5 or an Uzi or something?

[41:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:25] Like, where do they get all those?

[41:26] Yeah, there's a scene later on where they go into some sort of strip club casino where they're just like.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] It's a strip club casino that feels like if you've ever been to, like, a mall in Flushing, Queens that has, like, a Chinese dim sum food court.

[41:42] And there's just booths everywhere where you can get different types of food.

[41:46] That's what this seems to be like but for vices.

[41:49] Yeah.

[41:49] There's, like, a drug booth.

[41:50] There's a gambling table.

[41:52] There's a strip booth.

[41:53] There's a sex booth.

[41:54] And they're all just kind of open to each other.

[41:56] It's like this open vice court that anyone's allowed into, I guess, because people just walk in with big guns in their hands.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] Yeah, maybe there's a booth for people who just really like carrying big guns around.

[42:06] Now, this is the section of the movie where they just kind of wander from one heavily populated area to the next heavily populated area.

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] And they escape from that gang.

[42:15] But, yeah, now they're walking between heavily populated areas.

Stuart Wellington

[42:17] Yeah, they just keep going into, like, areas that have too many people.

[42:21] Which, on one hand, you'd be like, okay, the bad guys won't be able to do anything because they don't want to risk getting caught.

[42:29] But they show time and again that they don't care just firing machine guns off.

[42:33] Yeah, well, that's what I was about to say.

Dan McCoy

[42:34] Like, when they walk into this casino, they're just, like, fucking blowing the shit up.

Stuart Wellington

[42:39] They're, like, they don't care about the small business owners who run this place.

Dan McCoy

[42:44] They don't care about whether they have insurance or not.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Or most likely not.

[42:49] And that's when Dan sat back and said, I'm just going to sit here and wait for the police to come up and arrest these men.

[42:56] But that doesn't happen.

[42:58] Because who gets the drop on this street gang first?

[43:01] No.

[43:01] It's the three mean elves, which is the leader.

[43:04] The three mean elves.

[43:06] It's like a terrible children's book.

[43:09] Well, you read the credits, I guess.

[43:11] It's the leader Lila and her two hench people.

[43:13] One is a bald guy and the other is a woman.

[43:16] And they're super, they're all X versus Severus.

[43:18] They're just super fighters.

Stuart Wellington

[43:19] They're, like, if somebody scanned an Evanescence CD and was like, make a person out of this.

Elliott Kalan

[43:26] And they are maybe the most boring villains I've seen in a movie in a long time.

[43:30] What are you talking about?

[43:31] They do all those flips?

[43:32] They're just doing lots of flips.

[43:34] Lots of side jumps.

[43:34] They certainly don't talk.

[43:36] They barely talk.

[43:37] And they just kind of look at each other.

[43:38] And there's a seat they like.

[43:40] And they slit people's throats.

[43:42] They're kicking them.

[43:43] They're shooting them.

[43:44] But their big weakness is anytime a blunt object is thrown at their heads, this could be just a barrel.

[43:50] This could be a big jug of water.

[43:52] Anything.

Stuart Wellington

[43:52] Now, I will interject that Noomi Rapace plays the leader of these mean elves.

[43:58] Three mean elves.

[43:59] And she, I mean, I think she does a fair amount with basically nothing.

[44:04] Like, she has no.

[44:05] She's given nothing.

[44:06] And she tries to do something and add some, like, strangeness and otherness to this character.

[44:13] So she's great.

[44:15] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:15] I mean, this is, I will say.

[44:16] When she's not flipping and kicking.

[44:18] When it comes to, like, any performer in this is doing their best.

[44:22] Like, I couldn't, it's hard for me to think of any performer in this where I was like, ooh.

[44:26] Like, they have been given not the top quality-est material to work with.

[44:31] And they're all trying as hard as they can.

[44:33] And, you know, God bless them.

[44:36] Dark one, bless them.

[44:37] Because they're trying their best and they're doing their best.

[44:40] They're all trying to get this Netflix movie thing off the ground.

[44:41] Grandma Cailin comes back.

[44:44] Bless their sweethearts.

[44:46] They're just doing what they can with what God gave them.

[44:48] And by God, I mean David Ayers and Max Landis.

[44:53] So they're on the run.

[44:55] A lot of this movie is them running from people, finding a place they think they might be safe.

[44:59] Then someone comes along and attacks them.

[45:01] And it's constantly raining.

[45:03] And they can't trust anybody because they don't know who's a dirty cop or not.

[45:06] Meanwhile, the federal agents, this kind of Sam and Twitch type duo.

[45:10] One is a slobby big human and the other is a fancy elf dressed like Ray Tango from Tango and Cash.

[45:16] They're just kind of hovering around the edges following them.

[45:19] And you're waiting for the moment when these guys are going to play like a big part in the movie.

[45:23] Hey, guess what?

[45:25] They only exist to communicate the plot in that one scene.

[45:28] And otherwise, they just kind of hang around.

[45:29] Oh, and to exonerate people at the end.

[45:32] And to pull a, okay, good.

[45:34] We fixed it all up.

[45:35] Even though you blew up a bunch of buildings and killed a bunch of cops.

Stuart Wellington

[45:39] Well, they, the heroes try to bring them into the main movie by calling them on a cell phone.

[45:46] And midway through the conversation, the three mean elves use a fire axe to chop down a cell phone tower, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] They just chop a wire and it sparks and the call cuts out.

Stuart Wellington

[45:57] We have to assume that in this fantasy world, that's how cell phones work.

Elliott Kalan

[46:00] Cell phones work on a landline system.

Dan McCoy

[46:03] Yeah.

[46:03] They found the one tower that surfaces that, yeah.

[46:07] Yeah.

[46:07] It's the dark tower.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] Yeah.

[46:08] They use their fucking scrying magic.

[46:10] Yeah.

[46:10] They, they, what they, here's how cell phones work in this universe.

[46:13] It's all magic.

[46:15] Hmm.

[46:16] And they found the wire that brings the magic from the magic plant.

[46:20] I like it.

[46:21] Yeah.

[46:21] Over to the phone magic box.

[46:23] So they cut it.

[46:24] The phone magic box just stopped.

[46:27] Meanwhile, at the phone, at the magic plant, you got these guys being like, hey, what happened to our wires?

[46:31] In the middle of the night always.

[46:33] All right, get in the truck.

[46:34] Let's go.

[46:35] And the three mean elves are like, let's get out of here.

[46:36] Let's get out of here.

Stuart Wellington

[46:38] So we have a fight scene in a gas station convenience store, which before you ask, no, it's not as good as the shootout in the beginning of the movie Cobra.

[46:48] It's not even as good as the shootout in the movie Loaded Weapon 1 that takes place in a similar setting.

Elliott Kalan

[46:54] When there's that row of cans with a guy's, with a lumberjack or whatever on them and they get shot all in the crotch so it looks, so when the liquid comes out it looks like the guy in the can is peeing it.

[47:03] That's a, that's a good bit.

[47:04] I like that.

[47:05] Yeah, Loaded Weapon 1 hit movie.

[47:06] It was the fatal instinct of his day.

Dan McCoy

[47:09] I remember like, what was it?

[47:11] Like, was it comedy, the comedy channel or was it Ha that had Short Attention Span Theater?

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] I mean, that was on Comedy Central, so I don't know what it started on.

[47:20] But Short Attention Span Theater was on.

[47:22] I, I was, I didn't get Comedy Central until after those two channels had merged.

[47:26] Right.

[47:27] So Short Attention Span Theater was on it at the same time.

[47:29] Or unless you think of Two Drink Minimum, which was also on Comedy Central.

[47:32] Well, it was one of these.

[47:33] Are you thinking of Limbo Land?

[47:34] Small Doses?

Dan McCoy

[47:36] I think it was one of these shows that they had probably.

[47:39] Tom Goes to the Orient?

[47:40] Probably on the comedy channel that was just a bunch of clips of other things.

[47:43] Well, that was Short Attention Span Theater, yeah.

[47:45] And I just remember that over and over again, they would show a scene from Loaded Web in one.

[47:50] Just like a clip from that.

Elliott Kalan

[47:52] I remember when Short Attention Span Theater was premiering Comedy Central's movie about

[47:57] Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.

[47:59] Uh-huh.

[47:59] And it was, they made, they advertised the shit out of it.

[48:02] And it was maybe four and a half minutes long.

[48:04] Like, it was basically a comedy sketch.

[48:06] But they kept promoting it like, Comedy Central's first movie.

[48:09] We've got it right here.

[48:10] And I remember getting so excited about it.

[48:12] It was the I, Tonya of its day.

[48:14] It was like, so, it was literally like a four minute movie.

[48:17] Maybe someone had sent, like, had independently produced.

[48:21] And they got a hold of it, but they built it up like it was this big thing.

[48:25] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[48:26] Early days of cable, when no one had any idea what to put on television.

Elliott Kalan

[48:30] I think that was when Marc Maron was still hosting Short Attention Span Theater, but I'm not sure.

[48:33] Probably.

[48:34] Anyway.

[48:35] Let's ask him.

[48:36] He's on a podcast too, right?

[48:37] Yeah, let's, you know what?

[48:38] We're automatically colleagues.

[48:39] Let's, I guess, let's leave this house and go down the street in Podcastylvania.

[48:44] Yeah.

[48:44] Over to his house.

[48:45] Go to the cat ranch.

Stuart Wellington

[48:47] Yeah.

[48:48] Find out, we just have to answer his questions three.

[48:53] The answer to all of them.

[48:54] Who our guys are.

[48:55] Yeah.

[48:56] What Lorne said to us.

[48:57] And what our dads did for a living.

Elliott Kalan

[49:01] And then we can ask him.

[49:02] And whether or not he and I have beef.

[49:06] Then we got to listen and play guitar for a while.

[49:10] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[49:11] VTF, everyone.

[49:13] Pioneering show.

Elliott Kalan

[49:14] Yeah, sure.

[49:14] Yeah.

[49:15] I mean, we're showing that we've listened to it before.

[49:18] Yeah, many times.

[49:19] Yeah.

[49:20] I mean, I've listened to minutes 11 through the end of the show many times.

Stuart Wellington

[49:24] Oh.

[49:25] Let me loosen my calories.

[49:28] Oh, ouch.

Elliott Kalan

[49:29] Anyways, they're on the run from these mean elves.

[49:32] Let's talk about this dumb movie about elves and cops.

[49:35] They get picked up by an orc gang.

[49:38] And the orc gang is really mad.

[49:40] And they're especially mad at Nick Jacoby for turning against his fellow orcs and being a cop for the man.

[49:46] This is a tough scene for me to watch.

Stuart Wellington

[49:47] Because the orc gang leader's makeup is so puffy.

[49:53] He's got like this big.

[49:55] He's like the Robert Zadar of orcs.

Elliott Kalan

[49:57] He's got the biggest head with these two tiny little tusks sticking out of it.

[50:00] I will say, the skin makeup, not terrible in most of the orcs.

[50:03] The tusk makeup is, the tusk prosthetics are not great.

Stuart Wellington

[50:06] I would say, I'm not going to give, I'm not going to throw much shade toward the skin makeup.

[50:10] I wish the, I wish the like costume department did something.

[50:16] Like did something.

[50:17] I mean, I'm sure their direction was, try and make it look realistic.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] And they're like, what?

[50:23] Well, but that orc gang does have like a shaman who wears a deer skull.

[50:28] At that point, I'm into it.

[50:29] Give me that.

[50:30] Just hanging around.

[50:32] It's like, and.

Dan McCoy

[50:33] He comes in and is like, I thought we were all wearing it tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] Yeah.

[50:37] Guys, I left my jersey at home.

[50:39] So I had to wear this cloak with a deer skull on it.

[50:42] Anyway, he tells, the gang leader tells his son, shoot that orc.

[50:48] And the son says, I can't do it.

[50:50] Because I'm the orc.

[50:52] I'm the orc he let get away.

[50:53] He saved my life.

[50:54] So the gang leader is like, oh.

[50:56] And you think.

[50:56] Yeah, you're paraphrasing all of it.

[50:57] That's okay.

[50:58] Yeah.

[50:58] But you think this is the.

[50:59] Well, they all say an orcish too.

[51:00] So I don't know.

[51:00] It's all like.

Stuart Wellington

[51:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:05] You think this is the moment where he's going to be like, you did that.

[51:08] Maybe you do look out for your orcs.

[51:09] But instead, the gang leader is like, go, son.

[51:11] I'll do this myself then.

[51:13] He shoots Nick.

[51:14] And that's when Tika decides to get that wand out and do a little something.

Stuart Wellington

[51:18] So you're probably wondering, hey, you guys haven't mentioned Tika in a while.

[51:22] Is she still in the movie?

[51:24] She's been in the movie the whole time.

[51:25] Occasionally chirping like Leeloo from Fifth Element.

Elliott Kalan

[51:29] But significantly less of a presence.

[51:31] There's one scene where Will Smith and.

[51:33] Before the big fight at the drugstore, the gas station.

[51:37] Will Smith and Nick are.

[51:40] And Joel Edgerton are bandaging their wounds.

[51:42] And they have a conversation about how they like.

[51:44] Really like figure out some of the beef between them.

[51:47] And they break down some of their issues.

[51:48] That's what they're doing.

Stuart Wellington

[51:49] I spend too much time looking at all the really cool graffiti written on the walls.

[51:52] Like orcs suck.

Elliott Kalan

[51:53] And fuck off orcs.

[51:55] And but.

[51:56] And during that scene.

[51:58] She's in that she's there in the room with him.

[52:00] With them.

[52:00] Tika.

[52:01] She's given.

[52:02] The room where it happened.

[52:02] What?

[52:03] Nothing.

[52:03] Yeah.

[52:03] She's in the room where it happened.

[52:04] The room where it happened.

[52:05] That's where she wants to be.

[52:07] Because when Alexander Hamilton asked Tika, what do you.

[52:10] If you'd stand for nothing, Burr, what do you fall for?

[52:12] And she was like, I'm not Burr.

[52:13] I'm Tika.

[52:14] But I want to be in the room where it happened.

[52:16] Yeah.

[52:16] And then a banjo kicked in.

Dan McCoy

[52:17] A really weird production of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[52:19] Yeah.

[52:19] Very strange.

[52:20] Of Bridleton.

[52:22] What's your name, man?

[52:23] Nick Jacobi.

[52:25] Really?

[52:26] Because you're an orc.

[52:26] Shouldn't you have a name like Tharig Fangtooth?

[52:28] Nope.

[52:29] Nick Jacobi.

[52:31] Oh, no.

[52:31] They keep pronouncing it Jacoby.

[52:33] Which also made me think of Jacoby and Myers.

[52:35] So the whole movie I'm thinking of Tika Masala and Jacoby and Myers.

[52:38] Very hard to focus.

[52:40] You're hungry.

[52:41] You want to sue someone.

Stuart Wellington

[52:42] You don't know what's going on.

Elliott Kalan

[52:44] All turned around.

[52:45] All upside down.

[52:46] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[52:47] Good thing there wasn't a character named Cars for Kids.

Elliott Kalan

[53:00] There's a part where the internal affairs guys show up and they're the slimiest guys and they want Will Smith to wear a wire so that he can trap Nick into admitting something.

[53:09] They should have just named them Selina and Barnes.

Stuart Wellington

[53:11] Yeah.

[53:12] I mean, we made the joke before, but they should have been like lizard people or rat people or the two guys from Hot Fuzz.

Elliott Kalan

[53:19] But anyway, so they're talking out their issues in the bathroom.

[53:23] And this is one of the better scenes in the movie.

[53:25] I felt like this is one of the better, like, more heartfelt scenes.

[53:27] Tika is just creeping around in the corners pretending she doesn't know what a hand dryer does.

[53:33] And kind of just like gazing at it in awe and like putting her hand kind of close to it but not close enough to turn it on.

[53:39] Is she like a feral child?

Dan McCoy

[53:41] Because like we're to believe that elves are like integrated into society.

Stuart Wellington

[53:46] That's the thing is like we don't really know – they haven't really established what elves are like.

[53:53] Though the images we've seen would indicate that they're just like rich people.

[53:57] They're the 1%.

Elliott Kalan

[53:58] Yeah.

[53:58] Maybe she's so rich that she's never been in a public restroom before and she's never seen a hand dryer.

[54:05] The same way that like –

Stuart Wellington

[54:05] That would mean that that character would have like traits and not just be like a weird like feral child.

[54:11] I thought you were going to say that would mean that character would really have to poo.

[54:16] Never been in a bathroom.

[54:18] I mean just – I mean law of averages.

[54:20] Yeah.

[54:21] When you consider like how much food can a person eat, Elliot?

[54:24] I don't know how much elves eat.

Elliott Kalan

[54:25] They're not people.

[54:26] That's the thing.

[54:27] Maybe they just absorb dandelion pollen.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] So assuming that elf has been eating a certain amount of dandelion pollen and I'm assuming she's done some level of squats over the course of the day, that's going to get stuff moving.

[54:40] Yeah.

[54:41] I assume so.

[54:42] Elves love squats.

[54:43] I mean just to get up and down, dude.

[54:46] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[54:46] I know what squats are for.

[54:47] Just to shake it out.

[54:48] Yeah.

[54:49] Now here's something that just in the way you pronounce the word elf that makes me think, what if instead of elves being the 1%, alfs were the 1%?

[54:57] And so they're like – they're always eating cats and instead you have these like very short furry puppets that are trying to bring back the Dark Lord and they're like, hey, Willie.

[55:09] Will Smith that is.

[55:11] Why don't you give him a wand?

[55:12] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[55:14] Yeah, and in this version of L.A., the streets are riddled with what, like holes in the ground so the puppeteers can fall in the ground?

[55:22] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[55:23] They're like damn alfs cutting up the streets, making it hard to drive so they can walk around with their puppeteers.

[55:31] Oh, I would love that.

[55:32] Okay, but what would be the orcs in that?

[55:34] What, like Miss Sinclair from the Dinosaurs show or what?

[55:39] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[55:40] Yeah, the Sinclair family from the Dinosaurs show.

Elliott Kalan

[55:43] And the cop is, of course, the grown-up baby dinosaur.

[55:48] So he's like, you know what?

[55:49] Ever since I was talking to Not the Mama, I've wanted to be a cop.

[55:53] Yeah.

[55:53] Ever since I was the baby, gotta love me.

[55:55] I wanted to wear a badge.

[55:58] I guess that's just Theodore Rex.

[56:00] Here's the thing.

[56:01] I mean, this movie's Theodore Rex, right?

[56:04] Yeah, except Will Smith is in the Whoopi Goldberg role.

[56:08] Joel Edgerton's in the Theodore Rex role.

[56:10] Yeah, I mean, they're very similar.

[56:11] But is Theodore Rex the grown-up baby from the Sinclair family?

Stuart Wellington

[56:15] I mean, I think you could start tracing lines, Elliot.

[56:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:19] Elliot has, like, yarn on the wall.

[56:23] Let's get out our work board.

[56:27] Dan, get all the red string we have.

[56:30] All right, I'll go down to Michael's, I guess.

[56:32] Don't go to Hobby Lobby.

Stuart Wellington

[56:34] Pick it up from Michael's.

Dan McCoy

[56:35] I want to see that scene in a movie where, like, the guy has to go to the craft store before he does the-

[56:39] He's like-

Stuart Wellington

[56:39] It's like, where's the push bins?

[56:42] Do you have, like, skulls on them?

Dan McCoy

[56:44] Doing a project?

[56:45] No, it's just an evidence board.

[56:46] Oh, you want our evidence board section?

Elliott Kalan

[56:48] He's putting together his evidence board, and he's like, of course.

[56:52] The Operation Paperclip, Nazi scientists, Jenga.

[56:56] And then he's rolling the yarn, and he runs out, and he's like, uh, I got to remember this connection while I run to the store and get this yarn.

[57:04] So in his head, he's just like, Oswald, JFK assassination.

[57:07] Oswald, JFK assassination.

[57:08] He's repeating that to himself while he drives over to Michael's, gets the yarn, pays for it, comes back.

[57:14] And then you know when he comes back, he's going to forget it.

[57:16] He walks in, and his wife is like, honey, did you get that?

[57:19] And he's like, what?

[57:20] Oh, I forgot what my connection was.

Stuart Wellington

[57:22] I feel like an evidence board like that with Red String, where you're trying to draw the leads, and you just can't make it work because you don't have enough, like, the thread runs out.

[57:31] Sounds like a puzzle you would find in, like, a video game, where you're like, well, I made the connections wrong.

[57:37] I got to go back to the start.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] So it's missed, basically.

[57:40] Yeah.

[57:41] I guess I flipped the wrong switch somewhere along the lines of this pneumatic tube.

[57:44] I guess I'll just keep flipping switches.

Stuart Wellington

[57:46] Who built this island?

[57:47] I guess we'll never know.

[57:49] Was it Leisure Suit Larry?

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] He's busy in the land of the lounge lizards.

[57:56] Okay, so, right.

[57:58] So Nick gets shot by the orc gang leader, and Leela uses her wand to bring him back.

[58:04] Sorry, Tika.

[58:05] I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[58:07] You forgot which stupid name you were talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[58:09] Yes, thank you.

[58:10] Tika uses her wand.

Stuart Wellington

[58:11] Dan wants to apologize to any of our listeners who might be named Tika or Leela.

[58:16] Yeah, and any elves or orcs who might be listening.

Elliott Kalan

[58:19] Tharg, Clark, if you're listening, I apologize.

[58:22] He uses her wand to bring him back to life, and the other orcs are like, what?

[58:27] And the orc shaman with the deer skull, who up to this point has said very little, says, oh, he is risen.

[58:33] This is the prophecy or some nonsense.

[58:35] And everyone bows down, and they let Will Smith and Tika and Nick go.

[58:40] I do love what you were saying before.

Dan McCoy

[58:42] I don't want to totally gloss past it too fast.

[58:45] The fact that it was totally immaterial that he saved that kid.

Stuart Wellington

[58:51] It in no way helps them.

Dan McCoy

[58:52] It in no way helps them.

[58:53] You're like, oh, this is going to be the plot contrivance that gets them out.

[58:57] And it's like, no, the plot contrivance that gets them out is she has a magic wand.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] And you're at that point.

Dan McCoy

[59:02] They can make someone undead.

Elliott Kalan

[59:03] And at that point, you're like, why do they care if they get shot at this point?

[59:07] Yeah.

[59:07] Can't she just met?

[59:08] And also, there's a fight later on where Leela shoots her magic wand at Will Smith and knocks him against a wall.

[59:15] And it's like, couldn't that magic wand blow up a car earlier?

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:19] Like, shouldn't Will Smith be deadified right now?

[59:21] Yeah.

[59:21] Except perhaps there's more to Will Smith than meets the eye.

[59:24] He's not a transformer.

[59:25] Okay, because he got me excited.

[59:27] Or even a transmorfer.

[59:28] But we'll get there.

[59:31] So, let's cut to the chase.

[59:33] The mean elves catch up with the good guy elf and the other ones.

[59:37] They've managed to make it to the mean elves hideout, which is a pool in a basement that glows, and there's a tree growing out of it.

[59:43] I'm not quite sure.

[59:44] sure why they had to go there.

Stuart Wellington

[59:46] Well, and it's at the original

[59:48] crime scene.

[59:50] Like, didn't they investigate the fucking

[59:52] property that they were at? It's something about

Dan McCoy

[59:54] healing Tika. Tika is

[59:56] sick at this point. Uh-huh. So they got a

[59:58] dunker in the fucking glowing... Possibly because she, like,

[1:00:00] resurrected this guy. It's unclear.

[1:00:03] But, yeah, they have to differ in the magic pool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:04] They got a dunker in the magic pool. They got a dunker in the

[1:00:05] magic pool. They got to put her in the bacta tank, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] But Lila tracks him down.

[1:00:11] Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.

[1:00:13] Will Smith gets his hands on the wand

[1:00:16] in order to save the deck. Lila and Tika

[1:00:18] have a moment where suddenly

[1:00:20] we're supposed to give a shit that they're sisters

[1:00:22] and one of them has betrayed the other

[1:00:24] and it's like, I don't care.

[1:00:26] Not since the show Sisters have I cared so

[1:00:28] little about a sisterhood right now.

[1:00:30] If they talked about their traveling

[1:00:32] pants right now, I'd be like, this is a

[1:00:34] more interesting sisterhood than the one I'm watching.

[1:00:36] I wish there was some kind of divine

[1:00:38] ya-ya sisterhood involved in this because

[1:00:40] that would be a more interesting sisterhood than these two

[1:00:42] magic elves trying to bring a dark lord back to life.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:45] Even a regular ya-ya sisterhood.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:46] It doesn't even have to be divine.

[1:00:48] Get me, because to air is human

[1:00:50] but to ya-ya is divine.

[1:00:53] They're fighting

[1:00:54] and Will Smith is like,

[1:00:56] Nick, shoot her in the head!

[1:00:57] And his gun is out of bullets.

[1:00:59] And he says,

[1:01:00] he grabs the wand, thinking,

[1:01:02] if I touch it, I'll explode and I'll kill everybody here

[1:01:04] and that'll stop the bad guys.

[1:01:06] But no, when he touches the wand,

[1:01:08] he's a bright!

[1:01:09] He's got magic powers!

[1:01:11] Oh, he's the one that the prophecy was about.

[1:01:13] Yeah, he's all prophesied.

[1:01:15] Because of course the prophecy

[1:01:16] is going to be about the big star hero

[1:01:18] of the movie.

[1:01:19] Who could have seen that one coming?

[1:01:20] Just like how in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy,

[1:01:23] how are we going to know that the mole

[1:01:24] would turn out to be the biggest star in the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:26] He picked up a magic wand

[1:01:28] and everybody's like,

[1:01:28] holy shit,

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:30] Gary Oldman's dying!

[1:01:31] It was called Tinker Tailor Wizard Spy.

[1:01:34] But that was one of the,

[1:01:36] like, if ever...

[1:01:37] You've been complaining about this

[1:01:39] for years!

[1:01:39] Since the movie came out.

[1:01:40] Because it is poor casting.

[1:01:42] It was like,

[1:01:43] hmm, who's the mole going to be?

[1:01:44] Is it going to be the big star

[1:01:46] or is it going to be Toby Jones?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:48] I was reading,

[1:01:48] I was giving my vows at my wedding

[1:01:50] and Ellie just jumped up

[1:01:52] and told me about this.

[1:01:54] Yeah, I object to the casting

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:55] in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

[1:01:57] This is otherwise a very good movie.

[1:01:59] Except for the one scene

[1:02:01] where Benedict Cumberbatch's boyfriend

[1:02:02] breaks up with him

[1:02:03] and he makes a sad face

[1:02:04] that is hilarious.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:08] Oh, wow.

[1:02:09] He's great at doing New York accents,

[1:02:11] he's great at doing sad faces.

[1:02:12] What can't Benedict Cumberbatch do?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:14] Anyway, so,

[1:02:16] Will Smith saves the day

[1:02:17] and blows up the evil,

[1:02:18] the mean elf.

[1:02:19] And it was at this point

[1:02:20] where I was like,

[1:02:21] it can't be that easy.

[1:02:22] Certainly the Dark Lord's

[1:02:23] going to come up to defeat him.

[1:02:24] Did you say certainly?

[1:02:26] She certainly did.

[1:02:30] Because I'm wearing a shirt.

[1:02:32] That's to tip off the audience

[1:02:33] that I'm wearing a shirt.

[1:02:35] You know how like,

[1:02:36] The audience was worried

[1:02:37] this whole time.

[1:02:37] Like Carol Burnett

[1:02:38] would pull on her earlobe

[1:02:39] to talk to her grandma.

[1:02:40] That was my way of,

[1:02:41] in code,

[1:02:42] making sure they knew

[1:02:42] I was shirted right now.

[1:02:45] But the Dark Lord

[1:02:47] doesn't get woken up

[1:02:48] because I guess

[1:02:49] that's going to be saved

[1:02:49] for Bright 3,

[1:02:50] the Bright.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:51] I kept,

[1:02:51] like, yeah,

[1:02:52] when there's all this talk

[1:02:53] of the Dark Lord,

[1:02:53] I kept expecting it

[1:02:54] to get a lot closer

[1:02:56] to the Dark Lord

[1:02:57] actually coming.

[1:02:58] Yeah.

[1:02:59] Like,

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:59] when you say coming,

[1:03:01] you're thinking of the fact

[1:03:01] that the wand

[1:03:02] always looks like

[1:03:02] it's dripping jizz

[1:03:03] when people use it?

[1:03:04] Yeah, glowing jizz.

[1:03:06] No, but it's...

[1:03:07] Yours not...

[1:03:08] Wait,

[1:03:09] that's kind of redundant.

[1:03:10] Your jizz glows, right?

[1:03:12] Or is this because

[1:03:13] of that time

[1:03:14] in alien space

[1:03:15] you picked me up?

[1:03:15] The secret of the ooze

[1:03:16] when you flew

[1:03:18] with the navigator.

[1:03:19] Now,

[1:03:19] but...

[1:03:20] I'm surprised.

[1:03:23] I've never heard

[1:03:23] a joke before

[1:03:24] about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

[1:03:25] do the secret of the ooze

[1:03:26] that the secret is

[1:03:27] they're teenagers.

[1:03:27] That's why that ooze

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] is all over the place.

[1:03:30] Gross.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:31] Because Slinter's like,

[1:03:32] what is this ooze

[1:03:33] that's everywhere?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:35] It's like,

[1:03:35] shh,

[1:03:35] Michelangelo,

[1:03:36] don't tell him

[1:03:37] the secret of the ooze.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:39] Because they found

[1:03:39] that one bikini picture

[1:03:40] of April

[1:03:41] on her Instagram feed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:42] Yeah,

[1:03:43] there's a shot

[1:03:43] where Master Splinter's like,

[1:03:45] what's that noise in there?

[1:03:46] And Michelangelo's like,

[1:03:47] just playing with my nunchucks,

[1:03:49] dude.

[1:03:49] And then Master Splinter

[1:03:50] looks over

[1:03:50] and the nunchucks

[1:03:51] are sitting on the ground.

[1:03:54] I just wrote

[1:03:55] a Ninja Turtles movie.

[1:03:56] Give me some money.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] I don't know about

[1:03:57] a whole movie.

[1:03:58] That's a whole...

[1:03:59] That's like three scenes.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:03] But Dan,

[1:04:03] you were saying

[1:04:04] the secret of the ooze,

[1:04:05] what?

[1:04:05] No,

[1:04:05] I just like,

[1:04:06] it seems like,

[1:04:07] I know how you hate

[1:04:07] movies that end

[1:04:08] with a glowing porthole

[1:04:09] to something.

[1:04:10] No,

[1:04:10] but this needed

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:11] a glowing porthole

[1:04:12] to something.

[1:04:13] Yeah.

[1:04:14] Like this,

[1:04:15] or at the very least,

[1:04:18] something that makes me feel

[1:04:19] like this Dark Lord,

[1:04:20] I was gonna say Dork Lord,

[1:04:21] this Dark Lord

[1:04:22] is like a real threat

[1:04:24] and not just,

[1:04:25] for all we know,

[1:04:26] this is just a bunch

[1:04:27] of crazy elves

[1:04:28] running around

[1:04:28] killing people

[1:04:29] for glowy glow sticks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:30] And it's,

[1:04:31] I mean,

[1:04:31] the obvious thing

[1:04:32] I would say is,

[1:04:33] not to fucking

[1:04:33] backseat drive

[1:04:34] this dumb movie,

[1:04:35] but like,

[1:04:36] you could easily,

[1:04:38] I mean,

[1:04:38] I think the movie

[1:04:39] would have been better

[1:04:40] had like,

[1:04:41] the ending

[1:04:42] taken place

[1:04:43] in,

[1:04:43] I don't know,

[1:04:44] like,

[1:04:44] the fancy elf land,

[1:04:46] if only so we got

[1:04:47] a little bit of variety

[1:04:48] in what we're looking at.

[1:04:49] And just to show

[1:04:50] that like,

[1:04:51] oh,

[1:04:52] like,

[1:04:52] yeah,

[1:04:53] this is a level

[1:04:54] of corruption

[1:04:54] at a higher level,

[1:04:55] they don't understand it,

[1:04:56] et cetera,

[1:04:57] et cetera,

[1:04:57] whatever.

[1:04:58] Yeah.

[1:04:58] But,

[1:04:59] long story short,

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:00] they blow up

[1:05:00] the bad guys

[1:05:01] and the place,

[1:05:02] Nick gets out,

[1:05:04] but Will Smith

[1:05:05] is still trapped inside

[1:05:06] and Nick runs back

[1:05:07] into the fire

[1:05:08] to save him.

[1:05:09] And all the cops

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:09] are like,

[1:05:09] okay,

[1:05:10] I guess we'll just

[1:05:11] let him run back

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:12] into a burning building

[1:05:13] by himself.

[1:05:14] Like,

[1:05:14] one less,

[1:05:15] one less orc,

[1:05:16] I guess.

[1:05:17] And,

[1:05:17] but then,

[1:05:17] we see a wide shot

[1:05:19] of the house

[1:05:20] on fire

[1:05:21] that just sits there

[1:05:22] for a while

[1:05:23] and then in the distance

[1:05:24] through the doorway

[1:05:25] we see these figures

[1:05:26] stagger out

[1:05:27] and it was like,

[1:05:28] wait a minute,

[1:05:28] this is the scene

[1:05:29] where the orc

[1:05:30] is risking his life

[1:05:31] to save his partner

[1:05:31] and it's being treated

[1:05:33] like it was a fucking

[1:05:34] where's Waldo?

[1:05:36] Like,

[1:05:36] you're supposed to

[1:05:37] pick it out

[1:05:37] among all the details

[1:05:38] and find the wizard

[1:05:40] and the scroll

[1:05:40] and the dog.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:42] Yes,

[1:05:42] it felt like

[1:05:43] it was an Easter egg

[1:05:44] that the filmmakers

[1:05:44] snuck in there.

[1:05:47] There's,

[1:05:49] sorry,

[1:05:50] Elliot's recapping

[1:05:51] while checking his phone.

[1:05:52] No,

[1:05:52] sorry,

[1:05:52] no,

[1:05:52] sorry,

[1:05:52] my wife texted me something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:54] So,

[1:05:54] anyway,

[1:05:55] they're in the hospital,

[1:05:56] the federal magic people

[1:05:58] ask them what happened,

[1:05:58] and Will Smith

[1:05:59] makes up a story

[1:06:00] saying there was

[1:06:01] no wand

[1:06:01] and no magic

[1:06:02] in exchange

[1:06:03] for covering up

[1:06:04] what happened.

[1:06:05] They are seen as heroes,

[1:06:07] they get medals,

[1:06:07] the dead,

[1:06:08] dirty cops

[1:06:08] are remembered as heroes

[1:06:10] and this orc cop

[1:06:13] has made the grades.

[1:06:14] Like LA Confidential.

[1:06:15] Oh,

[1:06:16] and we find out

[1:06:17] what being blooded means

[1:06:18] in that the orc gang

[1:06:20] shows up

[1:06:21] at this

[1:06:21] emergency crime scene

[1:06:24] and they

[1:06:24] somehow knew

[1:06:25] where all the action was.

[1:06:26] And the federal magic task force

[1:06:28] just lets them walk up

[1:06:29] and the gang leader

[1:06:30] cuts his hand

[1:06:31] to let it bleed

[1:06:32] and they all raise their hands

[1:06:33] to him

[1:06:34] as a sign of respect

[1:06:36] and that's,

[1:06:36] so now he's blooded

[1:06:37] and he's a full orc man.

[1:06:39] That's his orc mitzvah.

[1:06:41] Mm-hmm.

[1:06:41] Or blood mitzvah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:43] I think blood mitzvah's

[1:06:44] better,

[1:06:45] yeah.

[1:06:45] Yeah.

[1:06:46] Right.

[1:06:47] Yeah,

[1:06:47] so I think that basically

[1:06:48] sums up the movie.

[1:06:50] I think there's a bit

[1:06:51] at the end,

[1:06:52] it's not in the movie.

[1:06:53] I remember reading somewhere

[1:06:54] that a bunch of the

[1:06:55] makeup effects artists

[1:06:57] like one of the teams

[1:06:58] got left out of the credits

[1:06:59] entirely.

[1:07:01] Yeah,

[1:07:02] I read that too.

[1:07:02] If that's true,

[1:07:03] that totally sucks.

[1:07:04] Yeah.

[1:07:05] Yeah,

[1:07:05] that does.

[1:07:06] Because this is a movie

[1:07:07] where like,

[1:07:08] I totally love

[1:07:09] special effects

[1:07:10] and makeup effects

[1:07:11] and a ton of that stuff

[1:07:13] went into this movie.

[1:07:15] I'm just disappointed

[1:07:17] that I didn't like

[1:07:17] the movie more.

[1:07:18] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:20] Hey,

[1:07:20] that's a good transition

[1:07:21] to final judgments

[1:07:24] on the movie.

[1:07:25] Whether this is a good

[1:07:26] bad movie,

[1:07:27] a bad bad movie

[1:07:28] or a movie

[1:07:29] we kind of liked.

[1:07:31] What do you have to say,

[1:07:33] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:35] I think this is a bad bad movie.

[1:07:37] I'm mad that I had to watch it.

[1:07:41] It's,

[1:07:42] yeah,

[1:07:42] I mean,

[1:07:43] there's just so much stuff

[1:07:44] to it

[1:07:44] and it feels like,

[1:07:45] it feels like somebody

[1:07:47] came up with a lazy idea

[1:07:49] and they cherry picked

[1:07:53] basically only the like

[1:07:55] MacGuffin elements

[1:07:56] of a fantasy story.

[1:07:57] They just want to tell

[1:07:59] like a shitty cop story

[1:08:00] and then they're like,

[1:08:02] oh,

[1:08:02] well,

[1:08:02] I can just resolve

[1:08:03] this whole story

[1:08:04] through magic

[1:08:05] because it's a fantasy story.

[1:08:07] So yeah,

[1:08:08] it's not good.

[1:08:09] Don't watch it.

[1:08:10] Don't support this.

[1:08:11] Don't watch Bright 2.

[1:08:12] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:14] Yeah,

[1:08:14] yeah,

[1:08:16] I'm just going to say

[1:08:17] it's a bad,

[1:08:18] bad movie.

[1:08:18] It's not,

[1:08:19] I mean,

[1:08:20] I've seen more boring movies

[1:08:21] for the Flophouse.

[1:08:22] I will say that

[1:08:23] like,

[1:08:25] but it's not like

[1:08:26] it's entertaining.

[1:08:27] I've just,

[1:08:28] I've just seen worse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:29] I don't,

[1:08:30] see guys,

[1:08:30] I think I might say

[1:08:31] it's a good,

[1:08:32] bad movie.

[1:08:32] Oh,

[1:08:33] wow.

[1:08:33] It is very dumb

[1:08:35] and there's a lot,

[1:08:37] I would say

[1:08:37] it's a good,

[1:08:37] bad movie

[1:08:38] for the science fiction

[1:08:39] and fantasy minded

[1:08:40] people who like

[1:08:41] to complain about things

[1:08:42] because there's a lot

[1:08:43] to unravel

[1:08:44] in the kind of

[1:08:46] very lackluster

[1:08:46] world building

[1:08:47] and that the story

[1:08:49] doesn't really hang together

[1:08:50] and that kind of stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:52] Yeah,

[1:08:52] there's no world building.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:53] But for your average person

[1:08:54] who like,

[1:08:55] wants to watch a movie,

[1:08:57] don't watch it.

[1:08:58] But,

[1:08:58] if you want to see

[1:08:59] a centaur cop,

[1:09:01] I guess go on to

[1:09:02] Mr. Skin

[1:09:02] and see what the time codes are

[1:09:04] for when that centaur cop

[1:09:05] shows up.

[1:09:06] Could be,

[1:09:06] he's not wearing pants,

[1:09:07] he's a horse.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:08] Better or worse

[1:09:09] than the last

[1:09:10] David Ayer,

[1:09:11] Will Smith film,

[1:09:13] Suicide Squad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:14] I like this more

[1:09:15] than Suicide Squad

[1:09:16] if only because

[1:09:17] Suicide Squad,

[1:09:18] this movie only started once

[1:09:19] and introduced

[1:09:20] the characters once

[1:09:21] where Suicide Squad

[1:09:22] spent roughly

[1:09:23] an hour

[1:09:24] reintroducing

[1:09:25] the characters

[1:09:25] to us over and over again.

[1:09:26] Yeah.

[1:09:27] There's fewer

[1:09:27] on-the-nose

[1:09:28] musical cues

[1:09:29] in this too.

[1:09:30] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:31] Although,

[1:09:31] I think

[1:09:32] there were a couple

[1:09:33] performances

[1:09:33] in Suicide Squad

[1:09:34] that I liked more

[1:09:35] than the performances

[1:09:36] in this.

[1:09:37] Oh,

[1:09:37] certainly.

[1:09:38] Oh,

[1:09:39] okay.

[1:09:39] Mainly that Jared Leto.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:41] Why isn't he

[1:09:42] always the Joker,

[1:09:43] you know?

[1:09:44] And Suicide Squad

[1:09:44] did have the great moment.

[1:09:45] This movie has moments

[1:09:46] like Suicide Squad's

[1:09:47] great moment

[1:09:48] where a crocodile man

[1:09:50] is working with a SWAT team

[1:09:51] and they have to go

[1:09:53] through flooded tunnels

[1:09:54] underwater to plant a bomb

[1:09:55] and the crocodile man

[1:09:57] says,

[1:09:57] I'll bring it in.

[1:09:58] They go,

[1:09:58] no,

[1:09:59] let us do it.

[1:10:00] And it's like,

[1:10:00] why'd you bring a crocodile

[1:10:02] man with you

[1:10:02] if you're not gonna let him

[1:10:04] do the swimming part?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:05] Yeah,

[1:10:05] that's a movie where

[1:10:06] they need to close the portal

[1:10:08] by throwing a bomb

[1:10:09] into it

[1:10:09] and they're like,

[1:10:10] well,

[1:10:10] there's a bad guy

[1:10:11] whose only power

[1:10:12] is throwing things.

[1:10:14] Give it to the crocodile man.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:18] bad resource management.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:20] That's the real problem

[1:10:21] with Suicide Squad.

[1:10:22] Yep.

S4

[1:10:29] I'm Riley Smurl.

[1:10:30] I'm Sydney McElroy.

[1:10:32] And I'm Taylor Smurl.

[1:10:33] And together,

[1:10:33] we host a podcast

[1:10:34] called Still Buffering

[1:10:36] where we answer questions like,

[1:10:38] why should I not fall asleep

[1:10:39] first at a slumber party?

[1:10:40] How do I be fleek?

[1:10:42] Is it okay to break up

[1:10:43] with someone using emojis?

[1:10:45] And sometimes we talk

[1:10:46] about butts.

[1:10:47] No, we don't.

[1:10:48] Nope.

[1:10:49] Find out the answers

[1:10:50] to these important questions

[1:10:52] and many more

[1:10:53] on Still Buffering,

[1:10:54] A Sister's Guide

[1:10:56] to Teens Through the Ages.

[1:10:57] I am a teenager.

[1:10:59] And I was too.

[1:11:03] Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts.

[1:11:05] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:05] But you change your mind

[1:11:07] for too many times

[1:11:10] over and over again

[1:11:11] over and over again

S5

[1:11:14] Hi there.

[1:11:16] I'm comedian and movie buff

[1:11:18] Ricky Carmona

[1:11:19] and I'm excited to tell you

[1:11:20] about a new show

[1:11:21] I'm doing called

[1:11:21] Who Shot Ya?

[1:11:23] Join me,

[1:11:24] LA Weekly film critic

[1:11:25] April Wolf.

S4

[1:11:26] I'm gonna call Star Wars

[1:11:27] when it comes out

[1:11:27] the Clint Howard project.

S5

[1:11:30] Film reviews editor

[1:11:31] for The Wrap,

[1:11:31] Alonzo Durale.

[1:11:32] Everything Charlize Theron

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:33] knows about killing somebody

[1:11:34] with a high-heeled shoe

[1:11:35] she learned from

[1:11:36] single white female.

[1:11:37] Trust me.

S5

[1:11:37] And our dope-ass friends

[1:11:39] each week.

[1:11:40] The stunt guys

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:40] were asking me like,

[1:11:41] do you need a stunt double

[1:11:42] in here for you to skate?

S5

[1:11:44] I was like, no, no,

[1:11:45] I was on skates at three.

[1:11:47] So if you're tired

[1:11:47] of whack opinions

[1:11:48] and you're looking for

[1:11:49] a smart, funny

[1:11:50] film discussion show,

[1:11:52] check out

[1:11:52] Who Shot Ya, son.

[1:11:53] That's what we do.

[1:11:55] And you can find us

[1:11:55] at MaximumFun.org

[1:11:57] or wherever you get

[1:11:58] your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:01] But we've got a few

[1:12:03] sponsors.

[1:12:05] That's what they're called.

[1:12:06] My brain didn't get the word

[1:12:07] for a second there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:08] That's okay.

[1:12:08] It's late.

[1:12:09] We watched Bright.

[1:12:10] Classic Dan.

[1:12:11] Anyway,

[1:12:12] The Farmhouse

[1:12:13] is supported in part by

[1:12:15] Laughing at, I assume,

[1:12:16] a memory of something

[1:12:16] you saw as a child

[1:12:17] that was funny.

[1:12:19] Laughing at how dismissive

[1:12:21] I am right before

[1:12:22] I'm about to read

[1:12:23] the sponsors.

[1:12:24] People who have paid to

[1:12:25] Like, sponsors,

[1:12:26] here's this junk.

[1:12:27] No, no, no.

[1:12:28] I thought it was like

[1:12:29] a remembrance of things

[1:12:30] past type moment

[1:12:31] where suddenly

[1:12:32] years of memories

[1:12:33] came flooding back

[1:12:34] and you laughed at them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:35] Bill Murray's costume

[1:12:36] in quick change

[1:12:37] was pretty funny.

[1:12:38] It was pretty funny.

[1:12:42] Anyway.

[1:12:43] Interesting one

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:44] to pull from the ether.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:45] Dan,

[1:12:46] who's our first sponsor tonight?

[1:12:48] Our first sponsor,

[1:12:49] Flophouse,

[1:12:50] is supported in part

[1:12:51] by Casper,

[1:12:52] a sleep brand

[1:12:53] that continues

[1:12:53] to revolutionize

[1:12:54] its line of products

[1:12:55] to create

[1:12:56] an exceptionally

[1:12:57] comfortable

[1:12:57] sleep experience.

[1:12:59] It is exceptionally

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] or whatever it is

[1:13:02] you said.

[1:13:04] I can feel that

[1:13:05] work going

[1:13:05] halfway through.

[1:13:07] Dan,

[1:13:07] how many days

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:08] in December,

[1:13:08] January are you?

[1:13:10] That's right.

[1:13:11] I was expecting

[1:13:12] a slightly more,

Dan McCoy

[1:13:15] oh man.

[1:13:16] I'm not drinking

[1:13:17] for January

[1:13:17] and it appears

[1:13:18] to be impairing me.

[1:13:19] I think you slur more

[1:13:20] when you don't drink.

[1:13:21] Yeah.

[1:13:22] Uh,

[1:13:23] exceptionally

[1:13:24] sleep experience

[1:13:26] one night

[1:13:26] at a time.

[1:13:28] Casper offers

[1:13:28] affordable prices

[1:13:29] because they cut

[1:13:30] out the middleman

[1:13:31] and sell directly

[1:13:32] to the consumer.

[1:13:34] Look,

[1:13:35] Casper brand

[1:13:36] mattresses

[1:13:37] combine multiple

[1:13:38] supportive memory

[1:13:39] foams

[1:13:39] for a quality

[1:13:40] sleep surface

[1:13:41] with the right

[1:13:42] amounts of both

[1:13:42] sink and bounce.

[1:13:43] And you can be

[1:13:44] sure of your purchase

[1:13:45] with Casper's

[1:13:45] 100 night

[1:13:46] risk-free

[1:13:47] sleep on it

[1:13:48] trial.

[1:13:49] Start sleeping

[1:13:50] ahead of the curve

[1:13:51] with Casper.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:53] So get a mattress,

[1:13:54] sleep on it

[1:13:54] for 100 nights

[1:13:55] and return it

[1:13:56] is what Dan said.

[1:13:56] No,

[1:13:57] that's not what

[1:13:57] he's saying.

[1:13:58] That's not what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:59] Now,

[1:13:59] Dan,

[1:13:59] you sleep on a

[1:14:00] Casper mattress.

[1:14:01] Would you say

[1:14:01] your sleep is better

[1:14:02] than it was

[1:14:03] before you Casperized?

[1:14:05] Think back to your life

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:06] before you slept

[1:14:07] on a Casper mattress.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:08] Let's call this question

[1:14:09] Was I ever so young,

[1:14:10] Stuart?

[1:14:11] Let's call this question

[1:14:12] the enigma

[1:14:13] of Casper sleeper.

[1:14:15] Dan,

[1:14:16] is it better

[1:14:16] now that you're asleep?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:18] Now,

[1:14:18] that was an enigma

[1:14:19] of Casper Hauser joke.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:20] Yes,

[1:14:21] it was.

[1:14:24] Listeners,

[1:14:24] write in

[1:14:25] if you have that joke.

[1:14:26] Are you saying

[1:14:26] I'm being too mainstream?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:28] Listeners,

[1:14:28] write in

[1:14:29] and tell me

[1:14:29] whether you understood

[1:14:30] what Ellie was on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:30] Too obvious a reference.

[1:14:33] Okay,

Dan McCoy

[1:14:33] Dan,

[1:14:33] so your Casper mattress,

[1:14:34] you love it.

[1:14:35] Oh,

[1:14:35] I love it.

[1:14:36] It's great.

[1:14:36] I sleep,

[1:14:37] well,

[1:14:37] look,

[1:14:38] I don't sleep well.

[1:14:39] I've got sleep apnea,

[1:14:40] but if I was not

[1:14:41] medically inclined

[1:14:42] how to sleep apnea.

[1:14:42] More like sleep crapnea,

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:44] am I right?

[1:14:44] Because he boops himself.

[1:14:45] You know,

[1:14:46] girlfriend.

[1:14:46] Not the mattress's fault.

[1:14:50] Archie,

[1:14:50] your cat,

[1:14:50] he likes the mattress too,

[1:14:51] right?

[1:14:51] He loves it.

[1:14:52] He sleeps on it all the time.

[1:14:54] That's all cats do

[1:14:55] is sleep.

[1:14:55] So this is a Casper mattress

[1:14:57] that functions

[1:14:58] for multiple species,

[1:14:59] human and cat.

[1:15:00] Orcs love it,

[1:15:01] elves love it.

[1:15:02] Yeah.

[1:15:02] It's a great mattress.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:03] And you can get a discount.

[1:15:04] You can get $50

[1:15:05] toward any mattress purchase

[1:15:07] by visiting

[1:15:08] casper.com

[1:15:09] slash flop house

[1:15:10] and using

[1:15:11] the promo code

[1:15:12] flop house,

[1:15:13] all one word,

[1:15:14] at checkout.

[1:15:15] Terms and conditions

[1:15:16] apply.

[1:15:18] And we also

[1:15:19] have a second sponsor,

[1:15:21] which is our good friends

[1:15:23] at Squarespace.

[1:15:25] What are you laughing about?

[1:15:28] Think he's still thinking about

[1:15:28] that quick change costume?

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:30] I mean,

[1:15:31] it's crazy.

[1:15:32] He's a clown?

[1:15:33] It's like robbing a bank

[1:15:34] or something.

[1:15:34] Oh, man.

[1:15:36] Fred Gina Davis was there.

[1:15:38] To help?

[1:15:40] To put him in jail.

[1:15:41] She plays a cop, right?

[1:15:42] Jason Robards was a cop in that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:46] I know they look exactly alike.

[1:15:47] No, you're thinking of

[1:15:48] Earth Girls Are Easy

[1:15:49] when Jason Robards

[1:15:50] is best friends

[1:15:51] with Julie Brown.

[1:15:53] When Jason Robards

[1:15:54] has sex with Jeff Goldblum.

[1:15:56] Yeah, exactly.

[1:15:57] And in The Fly

[1:15:57] where Jason Robards

[1:15:58] also,

[1:15:59] Robards,

[1:16:00] from Ebert and Robards

[1:16:02] also has sex

[1:16:03] with Jeff Goldblum.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:04] And Cut Robards Island,

[1:16:08] the movie where he plays

[1:16:09] a pirate.

[1:16:11] Cut Robards Island.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:13] The long kiss

[1:16:13] with good Robards.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:15] All right.

[1:16:16] Anyway,

[1:16:17] ready to start

[1:16:18] your new business?

[1:16:19] Make it stand out.

[1:16:20] Get started with Squarespace.

[1:16:22] Create a beautiful website

[1:16:23] to do any number of things

[1:16:25] like showcasing your work,

[1:16:27] blogging,

[1:16:28] or publishing content,

[1:16:29] or selling products

[1:16:31] and services.

[1:16:32] I mean,

[1:16:33] isn't a product

[1:16:33] to project in a way.

[1:16:34] Selling projects

[1:16:35] and services

[1:16:36] of all kinds.

[1:16:37] Cerebus?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:38] Yeah.

[1:16:39] Of Dave Sim

[1:16:40] is doing it,

[1:16:41] I guess.

[1:16:42] Look,

Dan McCoy

[1:16:43] how does Squarespace

[1:16:44] do this?

[1:16:45] By giving you,

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:46] I feel like Dave Sim's

[1:16:48] service website

[1:16:49] is the thing

[1:16:50] where it's like,

[1:16:50] are you a woman?

[1:16:51] Click yes or no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:53] Click yes

[1:16:54] and just says,

[1:16:54] go away.

[1:16:57] He's a terrible man.

[1:16:59] Squarespace does this by...

[1:17:00] I remember once a story,

[1:17:01] there's a...

[1:17:02] Sure.

[1:17:02] When I was in,

[1:17:03] sorry,

[1:17:04] when I was in college,

[1:17:05] when I was a freshman at NYU,

[1:17:07] Evan Dorkin,

[1:17:08] one of my all-time heroes,

[1:17:09] came to talk

[1:17:09] at the NYU Science Fiction Club

[1:17:12] and he ended up talking

[1:17:13] for hours

[1:17:14] because he's a very talkative guy.

[1:17:16] And at one point,

[1:17:16] someone asked him,

[1:17:17] do you think Dave Sim's

[1:17:18] really going to make it

[1:17:18] to 300 issues of Cerebus?

[1:17:20] And he's like,

[1:17:20] oh yeah,

[1:17:21] yeah,

[1:17:21] but that's all he has to live for.

[1:17:23] I could see him,

[1:17:23] he just finishes the last issue

[1:17:25] and mails it off

[1:17:25] to the printing press

[1:17:26] and then walks into the street

[1:17:27] to get hit by a bus.

[1:17:29] And that did not happen.

[1:17:30] Dave Sim continues

[1:17:31] to live to this day.

[1:17:32] But it was one of many times,

[1:17:34] like,

[1:17:34] I feel like so much

[1:17:35] of what Evan Dorkin said

[1:17:36] during that talk

[1:17:36] has burned into my brain.

[1:17:39] Now Dan,

[1:17:40] speaking of Squarespace,

[1:17:41] I have a Squarespace project

[1:17:44] that I was wondering

[1:17:45] if Squarespace

[1:17:46] might be able to help with.

[1:17:47] It's a web project.

[1:17:48] Do you think

[1:17:48] they'd be able to help me?

[1:17:49] Now,

[1:17:49] can I tell you about it?

[1:17:50] Sure,

[1:17:51] please do.

[1:17:51] It's a website

[1:17:52] and it's called

[1:17:52] brightworld.com.

[1:17:53] Okay.

[1:17:54] Have you ever wondered

[1:17:55] how your town

[1:17:56] might be different

[1:17:57] in the fantasy world

[1:17:59] of Bright?

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:00] Yeah,

[1:18:01] I don't live in Los Angeles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:02] What would my world be like?

[1:18:03] Well,

[1:18:03] imagine your usual

[1:18:05] walk to the subway

[1:18:06] in New York

[1:18:07] and when you get there,

[1:18:08] there's an orc

[1:18:09] standing there.

[1:18:12] Is he doing something?

[1:18:13] He's working

[1:18:14] in the token booth.

[1:18:16] Okay.

[1:18:16] Because that's right,

[1:18:17] in this crazy fantasy world,

[1:18:19] New York still operates

[1:18:20] on subway tokens.

[1:18:21] Metro cards

[1:18:22] are not magic enough.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:23] Now,

[1:18:24] instead of riding

[1:18:24] on a subway train,

[1:18:25] do I ride

[1:18:26] in a shy halud?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:27] No,

[1:18:28] it's a subway train.

[1:18:29] Okay.

[1:18:30] But,

[1:18:30] next to you,

[1:18:32] is there an elf?

[1:18:33] No,

[1:18:33] there isn't.

[1:18:33] They use taxi cabs.

[1:18:35] Oh,

[1:18:35] wow.

[1:18:35] Because they're so rich.

[1:18:36] But,

[1:18:37] guess what's next to you?

[1:18:38] Okay,

[1:18:39] what's next to me?

[1:18:40] A centaur?

[1:18:40] An orc.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:42] Does this orc attack me

[1:18:43] or anything?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:44] No,

[1:18:44] he's also going to work.

[1:18:45] Okay.

[1:18:46] And guess what he's wearing?

[1:18:47] Guess what this crazy orc

[1:18:48] is wearing

[1:18:48] in this crazy fantasy world?

[1:18:49] Yeah,

[1:18:49] this isn't a fucking

[1:18:50] Dawson venture.

[1:18:51] What's he wearing?

[1:18:52] A football jersey.

[1:18:53] Oh,

[1:18:54] okay.

[1:18:54] Can you believe it?

[1:18:55] Okay,

[1:18:55] so you get off the subway.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:57] So what's the,

[1:18:57] is this website just you

[1:18:59] asking questions?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:00] It's like a text-based adventure?

[1:19:03] We take,

[1:19:04] no,

[1:19:04] it's very visual.

[1:19:05] We take pictures

[1:19:06] that you submit

[1:19:07] of your city

[1:19:08] and we manipulate them

[1:19:10] to create the bright world

[1:19:11] version of your world.

[1:19:13] Does that mean

[1:19:13] we just kind of

[1:19:15] insert the same picture

[1:19:16] of an orc

[1:19:16] into your picture?

[1:19:17] Yes,

[1:19:18] maybe.

[1:19:19] Still.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:20] I feel like very visual

[1:19:21] is the kind of compliment

[1:19:23] you would see

[1:19:23] on the box

[1:19:24] for the DVD of Bright.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:26] I feel like it's

[1:19:27] the kind of compliment

[1:19:28] that a mother

[1:19:29] would give

[1:19:30] to her child's

[1:19:32] like,

[1:19:32] homemade comic book

[1:19:33] that she doesn't understand.

[1:19:34] Oh,

[1:19:34] it's very visual.

[1:19:36] Yeah.

[1:19:36] So anyway,

[1:19:37] brightworld.edu,

[1:19:38] let's say.

[1:19:38] It's educating you

[1:19:39] about how your world

[1:19:40] would be different

[1:19:40] in the world of Bright.

[1:19:41] Yes.

[1:19:42] Dan,

[1:19:42] let's say you lived in.

[1:19:44] It's like how EC Comics

[1:19:45] used to be called

[1:19:45] educational.

[1:19:46] Exactly.

[1:19:47] Let's say you lived

[1:19:48] in St. Louis, Missouri.

[1:19:50] This is a normal

[1:19:51] American city

[1:19:52] in the 21st century.

[1:19:53] How would it be different

[1:19:54] if there were

[1:19:55] fantasy creatures?

[1:19:56] Let's say you go

[1:19:57] to the St. Louis Arch.

[1:19:58] Guess what you see there?

Dan McCoy

[1:20:01] I want to go out

[1:20:02] on a limb here

[1:20:03] and say an orc.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:05] I guess you got it.

[1:20:06] Okay.

[1:20:07] Well,

[1:20:07] maybe let's go

[1:20:08] to Washington,

[1:20:09] D.C.

[1:20:09] And guess who you see

[1:20:11] clean in the floors

[1:20:12] in Congress?

[1:20:13] Is it an orc?

[1:20:15] You know it?

[1:20:16] That's brightworld.edu.

[1:20:18] So Dan,

[1:20:18] how do I get

[1:20:18] Squarespace on top of this?

[1:20:20] I want this to look the same.

[1:20:21] I want this to scale

[1:20:22] for both mobile platforms

[1:20:23] and my laptops

[1:20:24] and desktop screens.

[1:20:26] Can they do that?

[1:20:27] Yes.

[1:20:27] What about tech support?

[1:20:28] I want tech support.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:29] You've got 24-7

[1:20:30] award-winning

[1:20:31] customer support.

[1:20:32] Yes,

[1:20:32] you've got that.

[1:20:33] You've got other things

[1:20:35] like built-in

[1:20:35] search engine optimization

[1:20:37] and analytics.

[1:20:38] I need that.

[1:20:39] You've got powerful

[1:20:39] e-commerce functionality

[1:20:40] and beautiful

[1:20:41] customizable templates

[1:20:42] created by world-class designers

[1:20:44] that you can use

[1:20:45] to make your

[1:20:46] stupid website.

[1:20:49] I'm talking to Elliot.

[1:20:50] I'm not talking to you,

[1:20:51] the listener.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:51] Yeah,

[1:20:52] I'm editorializing somewhat.

[1:20:54] Head to squarespace.com

[1:20:55] for a free trial.

[1:20:57] I guess someone doesn't want to know

[1:20:58] what his apartment would look like

[1:20:59] in Bright World.

[1:21:00] Guess who your roommate is?

[1:21:03] Guess, Dan.

[1:21:04] Yes.

[1:21:05] Is it an orc?

[1:21:06] You know it.

[1:21:08] Head to squarespace.com.

[1:21:10] Dan,

[1:21:10] do you have a co-worker?

[1:21:11] Or a co-worker?

[1:21:14] You have a co-worker.

[1:21:15] Even an orc is a co-worker.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:16] Okay.

[1:21:17] Head to squarespace.com

[1:21:18] for a free trial

[1:21:19] and when you're ready to launch,

[1:21:20] use the offer code FLOP

[1:21:22] to save 10% off

[1:21:23] your first purchase

[1:21:24] of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:26] What if I have a failure to launch?

[1:21:28] Well,

Dan McCoy

[1:21:30] then you're Matthew McConaughey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:31] What if failure to launch

[1:21:32] took place

[1:21:32] in Bright World?

[1:21:35] I think it would go

[1:21:35] a little something

[1:21:36] like this.

[1:21:38] All right,

[1:21:38] all right,

[1:21:39] all right.

[1:21:39] I'm an orc.

[1:21:40] That's Matthew McCorkany.

[1:21:43] Matthew,

[1:21:44] or Conahy.

[1:21:45] Yeah,

[1:21:46] or Conahy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:46] I think at this point

[1:21:47] in the night,

[1:21:48] Elliot is showing off

[1:21:49] how living in L.A.

[1:21:51] has affected

[1:21:51] his sleep schedule.

[1:21:54] I think we got

[1:21:55] a couple Jumbotrons.

[1:21:56] Oh,

[1:21:57] we got

[1:21:57] Jojojo Jumbotrons.

[1:22:00] Elliot,

[1:22:00] do you have one

[1:22:00] or is it just me?

[1:22:01] No,

[1:22:01] I have one.

[1:22:02] Should I go first

[1:22:03] or would you like to go first?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:04] I mean,

[1:22:04] I started talking to you,

[1:22:05] so why don't you start going?

[1:22:06] I'll do it.

[1:22:06] Who is this message for?

[1:22:07] This is a message for DM Rab

[1:22:09] and this message comes from

[1:22:11] Cade Blanchett.

[1:22:12] Ocker,

[1:22:13] or Ocker,

[1:22:13] I apologize if I'm

[1:22:14] mispronounced it,

[1:22:15] Mirren and Gerald

[1:22:16] and they say,

[1:22:16] Gale and Helmet Traveler,

[1:22:18] thanks for the unbelievable

[1:22:19] amount of work

[1:22:20] and great storytelling

[1:22:21] you've given us

[1:22:21] once a week

[1:22:22] for over the past two years.

[1:22:24] Looking forward

[1:22:24] to more great sessions

[1:22:25] of elk catapults,

[1:22:27] the crab uncle,

[1:22:28] and bimmies.

[1:22:29] You're the best DM

[1:22:30] a mouse boy,

[1:22:30] grumpy bird,

[1:22:31] half-orc,

[1:22:32] and a nasty,

[1:22:33] egg-loving dragonborn

[1:22:34] could ask for.

[1:22:35] Love you,

[1:22:35] bun.

[1:22:36] This already sounds like

[1:22:37] a more fleshed-out,

[1:22:38] well-thought-out world

[1:22:39] than bright.

[1:22:40] Like,

[1:22:40] I want to see a movie

[1:22:41] set in this world.

[1:22:42] Good work,

[1:22:42] DM Rab.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:45] Stuart,

[1:22:46] do you have a message?

[1:22:46] This message is for Anna.

[1:22:48] The message is from Chris.

[1:22:52] Hey,

[1:22:53] butt munch.

[1:22:55] I love you so much,

[1:22:57] and I'm glad

[1:22:58] you're finally listening

[1:22:59] to podcasts.

[1:23:00] With your help,

[1:23:01] I might finally learn

[1:23:02] to tell the difference

[1:23:03] between Dan

[1:23:04] and Stuart's voices.

[1:23:05] It's pretty simple.

[1:23:07] Generally based on content.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:09] It's nothing to do

[1:23:10] with the voice.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:12] Elliot,

[1:23:12] could you please sing

[1:23:13] another letter song

[1:23:14] just for Anna?

[1:23:16] They're her favorite.

[1:23:18] I'm being sincere.

[1:23:19] She started listening

[1:23:20] because of Elliot's

[1:23:21] singing abilities.

[1:23:23] Hmm.

[1:23:23] I guess we're receiving

[1:23:24] jumbotrons

[1:23:25] from insane people.

[1:23:27] The longer it went on,

[1:23:28] the less sincere it sounded.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:31] Well,

[1:23:32] that's a lovely little message.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:34] Yeah,

[1:23:34] it is a lovely message.

[1:23:35] That is lovely.

[1:23:36] That is lovely.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:37] Hey,

[1:23:37] Dan,

[1:23:37] is it time for

[1:23:38] the segment

[1:23:39] that involves me

[1:23:40] singing before?

[1:23:41] let me first,

Dan McCoy

[1:23:43] quickly.

[1:23:43] We gotta do some plugs,

[1:23:45] right?

[1:23:46] Do we have plugs?

[1:23:47] Yeah.

[1:23:48] Well,

[1:23:48] first,

[1:23:48] let me quickly.

[1:23:49] Let's do some plugs

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:50] and pluges.

[1:23:50] Mike plug,

[1:23:51] that is.

[1:23:52] While we're talking

[1:23:52] about things

Dan McCoy

[1:23:53] that are lovely,

[1:23:54] I just want to thank

[1:23:55] a bunch of people

[1:23:56] who have sent us gifts.

[1:23:59] This won't take long.

[1:24:00] I want to say,

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:01] we unwrapped them

[1:24:02] before the episode

[1:24:03] despite Dan's

[1:24:04] fervent belief

[1:24:07] that we should do

[1:24:07] all the unwrapping on air.

[1:24:09] He was like,

[1:24:09] it'll be great radio,

[1:24:10] guys.

[1:24:10] asked which way

[1:24:12] we should do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:13] Yeah.

[1:24:14] Anyway,

[1:24:15] thanks to Steve Sacco

[1:24:16] for the posters,

[1:24:17] Billy Whitehouse

[1:24:18] for the books,

[1:24:20] John,

[1:24:20] John Carlo

[1:24:22] D'Alessandro

[1:24:23] for the comic

[1:24:25] zine

[1:24:25] Milk and Honey.

[1:24:27] Oh,

[1:24:27] awesome.

[1:24:27] Yeah.

[1:24:28] John Hendricks

[1:24:29] for the DVD

[1:24:29] of Bulletproof.

[1:24:32] Thanks to

[1:24:33] Candice

[1:24:33] for the Flophouse

[1:24:34] zine.

[1:24:34] There's a zine

[1:24:35] that is...

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:36] Is that the

[1:24:37] original Peach

[1:24:38] Flophouse activity

[1:24:39] zine?

[1:24:39] Yeah,

[1:24:40] it's...

[1:24:40] Difficulty medium.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:42] Yeah,

[1:24:42] it is indeed

[1:24:44] a zine

[1:24:46] about us,

[1:24:46] the Flophouse,

[1:24:47] and I will

[1:24:48] tell listeners

[1:24:49] that interested

[1:24:50] floppers can find

[1:24:51] this zine

[1:24:52] and perhaps

[1:24:53] future volumes

[1:24:53] for purchase

[1:24:54] at her website,

[1:24:55] smutpunks.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:58] Awesome.

[1:24:59] Which is now

Dan McCoy

[1:24:59] your homepage.

[1:25:00] With all the

[1:25:01] proceeds going

[1:25:02] to the ACLU.

[1:25:03] That's...

[1:25:03] Oh,

[1:25:03] cool.

[1:25:04] Smut,

[1:25:05] spelled like smut,

[1:25:06] punks,

[1:25:06] spelled

[1:25:07] punx.com.

[1:25:10] I mean,

[1:25:11] I guessed that

[1:25:12] from your pronunciation.

[1:25:13] Oh,

[1:25:13] did I?

[1:25:15] Anyway,

[1:25:15] so if you want

[1:25:16] to support

[1:25:16] the ACLU

[1:25:17] and get a little

[1:25:17] Peaches zine,

[1:25:19] then you can do that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:20] I do.

[1:25:21] Thanks to

Dan McCoy

[1:25:21] Cal and Kristen

[1:25:22] for the Christmas card,

[1:25:24] to Sean

[1:25:25] for the Cryptkeeper

[1:25:26] t-shirt.

[1:25:27] Oh,

[1:25:27] man,

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:27] that Cryptkeeper

[1:25:28] t-shirt's awesome.

[1:25:30] That's from Sean

[1:25:31] and that great band

[1:25:32] Mega Colossus,

[1:25:33] who I met

[1:25:34] at the Black Cat Show.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:36] Yes.

[1:25:36] And lastly,

[1:25:37] but not leastly,

[1:25:38] to Emily Stewart,

[1:25:40] thanks for the DVDs

[1:25:42] and for the toys

[1:25:43] for Archie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:45] Oh,

[1:25:45] yeah,

[1:25:46] yeah,

[1:25:46] the Dragon Wars

[1:25:48] D-War

[1:25:49] exclusive DVD set

[1:25:51] that comes with

[1:25:52] an exclusive

[1:25:52] medallion

[1:25:53] that they claim

[1:25:55] is now-owned

[1:25:56] piece of Dragon Wars.

[1:25:58] So,

[1:25:58] I guess I'm gonna

[1:25:59] have a dragon

[1:26:00] kill me.

[1:26:02] Or maybe

[1:26:03] I'll control

[1:26:03] the dragon.

[1:26:04] I don't remember

[1:26:04] the movie that well.

[1:26:05] Your dream of owning

[1:26:05] a piece of Dragon Wars

[1:26:06] has finally come to fruition.

[1:26:09] I assume when somebody

[1:26:10] would ask me

[1:26:10] if I wanted to own

[1:26:11] a piece of Dragon Wars,

[1:26:12] it would be like

[1:26:13] a shard of a DVD,

[1:26:14] but no,

[1:26:15] no,

[1:26:15] no.

[1:26:16] We're talking

[1:26:16] an actual replica

[1:26:17] medallion.

[1:26:18] the famous medallion.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:20] We have a little

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:21] pitch to do,

[1:26:22] obviously.

[1:26:23] We always like to

[1:26:24] promote our podcast

[1:26:25] network,

[1:26:26] Maximum Fun.

[1:26:27] And,

[1:26:28] you know,

[1:26:29] in a month or two,

[1:26:30] we're gonna be doing

[1:26:31] the Maximum Fun Drive

[1:26:33] and we're gonna have

[1:26:34] some bonus content

[1:26:35] on there.

[1:26:35] One of the bonus episodes

[1:26:36] I'd like to plug right now,

[1:26:38] I think Dan's gonna do

[1:26:39] the majority of the talking

[1:26:40] on this one.

[1:26:41] It's a little project

[1:26:42] we're calling

[1:26:43] Dangerous Liaisons.

[1:26:45] What?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:48] Now,

[1:26:49] when did we come up

[1:26:50] with this?

[1:26:50] This was last night,

[1:26:52] something that we

[1:26:53] conceived of

[1:26:53] and I think

[1:26:54] it was a real future.

[1:26:55] Dangerous Liaisons

[1:26:56] is a podcast

[1:26:57] in which Dan regales us

[1:26:59] with true life story

[1:27:01] autobiographical

[1:27:02] erotic yarns

[1:27:03] from his checkered career

[1:27:04] as something of a Casanova

[1:27:06] and Stuart and I

[1:27:07] interrogate him,

[1:27:08] we're interlocutors

[1:27:09] who bring out the best,

[1:27:11] bring out the Hellmans

[1:27:12] and also

[1:27:12] who question him

[1:27:14] on some of the points

[1:27:15] that seem a little

[1:27:16] confusing or so.

[1:27:17] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:18] the day of the muddy

[1:27:18] points that we would

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:19] bring up.

[1:27:20] Now,

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:20] adults only,

[1:27:21] Dangerous Liaisons

[1:27:22] is only for

[1:27:23] mature adults

[1:27:24] who are interested

[1:27:25] in the mature

[1:27:26] adult escapades

[1:27:27] of one Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:28] Or like kids

[1:27:30] who want to learn

[1:27:31] something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:32] Yeah,

[1:27:32] and it's loosely,

[1:27:33] but it was inspired

[1:27:34] by a conversation

[1:27:35] Dan had with my brother

[1:27:36] about a particular

[1:27:37] scenario that took place

[1:27:39] which my brother

[1:27:39] was very impressed by.

[1:27:41] Let's not get into this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:42] Like,

[1:27:42] I think,

[1:27:43] I walked up to

[1:27:44] David,

[1:27:45] last name withheld,

[1:27:46] Elliot's brother,

[1:27:47] and his hair

[1:27:47] was standing on end

[1:27:49] and like,

[1:27:50] I think his face

[1:27:51] was flushed.

[1:27:52] He was so excited.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:54] So,

[1:27:54] I guess Dangerous

[1:27:55] Liaisons look forward

[1:27:56] on iTunes.

[1:27:56] I didn't agree to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:57] It might be,

[1:27:58] we might,

[1:27:58] the bonus episode

[1:27:59] might be an audio version

[1:28:00] or Dan keeps pushing

[1:28:02] that we do a video version

[1:28:04] where it's told

[1:28:06] with the camera

[1:28:07] just on Dan's face.

[1:28:08] Yeah,

[1:28:08] like a spalding gray

[1:28:09] while on.

[1:28:09] So he can look you

[1:28:10] right in the eyes.

[1:28:12] this is not,

[1:28:14] yeah.

[1:28:14] I know you don't want to,

[1:28:15] you don't want to,

[1:28:16] you know,

[1:28:17] build it up too much,

[1:28:18] Stan,

[1:28:18] but I'm pretty proud

[1:28:19] of this venture.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:19] I'd like to plug

[1:28:21] a real thing

[1:28:22] which is

[1:28:22] to remind everyone

[1:28:24] about the Flophouse comics

[1:28:25] that we have.

[1:28:26] Oh yeah.

[1:28:26] We had our second

[1:28:27] group of comics

[1:28:28] on the theme of love.

[1:28:30] They're still available

[1:28:30] on the Flophouse podcast

[1:28:31] website

[1:28:32] and all proceeds

[1:28:34] go to

[1:28:35] Hurricane Relief

[1:28:36] through the

[1:28:37] Unidos

[1:28:37] Hurricane Relief Fund

[1:28:39] for Puerto Rico.

[1:28:41] Puerto Rico

[1:28:41] is still in trouble

[1:28:42] all these

[1:28:43] many weeks

[1:28:44] after they were hit

[1:28:44] by a hurricane.

[1:28:45] It's ridiculous.

[1:28:46] And we still

[1:28:46] got to help them.

[1:28:47] So please

[1:28:48] donate if you can

[1:28:49] and you'll enjoy

[1:28:49] some new comics

[1:28:50] by us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:50] I'm really proud

[1:28:51] of the stuff

[1:28:51] we put out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:52] Yeah,

[1:28:52] we put out

[1:28:52] some really good stories

[1:28:53] this time.

[1:28:55] First time,

[1:28:55] oh boy.

[1:28:56] No,

[1:28:57] but this time

[1:28:57] really good.

[1:28:59] But now it's time.

[1:29:00] Did I miss anything,

[1:29:01] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:01] No,

[1:29:01] you didn't miss anything.

[1:29:01] Okay.

[1:29:03] Should I plug

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:04] any of our live shows

[1:29:05] that we haven't scheduled?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:06] We can tease

[1:29:08] that in the summer

[1:29:13] we will have

[1:29:15] a live show

[1:29:16] in New York City

[1:29:17] when Elliot

[1:29:19] comes back

[1:29:19] to visit.

[1:29:22] We'll keep

[1:29:23] the date

[1:29:24] under wraps

[1:29:24] for now

[1:29:25] because tickets

[1:29:25] are not on sale.

[1:29:26] So don't make

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:27] any plans

[1:29:27] your whole summer.

[1:29:29] Or make plans

[1:29:30] to come to New York

[1:29:31] for your whole summer.

[1:29:32] If you were planning

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:32] on going to either

[1:29:33] summer camp

[1:29:34] or summer vacation

[1:29:36] or ski school,

[1:29:37] don't do it.

[1:29:38] Just stay at home

[1:29:39] waiting to find out

[1:29:40] when that show's

[1:29:41] going to be.

[1:29:41] Man,

Dan McCoy

[1:29:41] I wish I could just

[1:29:42] go to fucking ski school.

[1:29:45] We all want to go

[1:29:46] to ski school,

[1:29:47] Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:48] But hey,

[1:29:48] Dan,

[1:29:49] I think it's that time

[1:29:50] of the show

[1:29:51] where we talk about

[1:29:52] the letters

[1:29:53] people sent us

[1:29:55] and we'll go

[1:29:56] to the mailbox

[1:29:57] and ask ourselves

[1:29:58] a question

[1:29:59] and that question

[1:30:00] goes like this.

[1:30:02] Hey,

[1:30:03] what would it be like

[1:30:04] to get a letter

[1:30:05] in Bright World?

[1:30:07] A letter from

[1:30:08] an orc

[1:30:09] or a letter

[1:30:10] from an elf?

[1:30:12] A letter from

[1:30:12] a centaur

[1:30:13] to yourself?

[1:30:14] It's a letter

[1:30:15] written to you

[1:30:16] from your fantasy

[1:30:17] friends in Bright World.

[1:30:20] Dear you,

[1:30:21] the listener,

[1:30:22] hey,

[1:30:23] how's it going with you?

[1:30:24] I hope you're

[1:30:24] having a great time

[1:30:26] doing the things

[1:30:27] that you normally do

[1:30:28] in a city that looks

[1:30:30] just like the city

[1:30:31] you live in right now

[1:30:32] except there's an orc

[1:30:34] on the corner

[1:30:34] and once in a wide

[1:30:36] establishing shot

[1:30:37] there's a dragon

[1:30:38] in the sky.

[1:30:40] But has that changed

[1:30:41] the way that the city

[1:30:42] functions?

[1:30:43] No!

[1:30:44] Does it change

[1:30:44] the places you go?

[1:30:46] Does it change

[1:30:47] the things that you

[1:30:48] show every day?

[1:30:49] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[1:30:52] Because Bright World

[1:30:53] is your world

[1:30:54] and my world

[1:30:56] and our world

[1:30:58] together.

[1:30:59] Love and orc.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:02] Thank you for that.

[1:31:04] so I'll put down my phone

[1:31:06] which I was looking at

[1:31:07] during that song

[1:31:08] and here we go.

[1:31:11] Stuart,

[1:31:11] what are you laughing at

[1:31:12] on your phone?

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:13] You know,

[1:31:14] memes.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:16] Sure,

[1:31:16] dank memes.

[1:31:17] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:18] Should I not sing

[1:31:18] my In the Heights

[1:31:19] In the Bright

[1:31:20] parody?

[1:31:21] No, I think we're

[1:31:23] we've got orcs

[1:31:25] and elves

[1:31:25] and stuff

[1:31:28] we figure

[1:31:29] that that's enough

[1:31:30] This is a

Dan McCoy

[1:31:32] real

[1:31:33] Lin-Manuel

[1:31:34] Miranda fest

[1:31:35] today.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:36] I guess it is.

[1:31:37] I mean,

[1:31:38] I don't know

[1:31:38] any of the music

[1:31:39] from the

[1:31:39] Bring It On

[1:31:39] musical

[1:31:39] so that's all

[1:31:40] I can do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:42] You're doing

[1:31:42] the Room

[1:31:43] Where It

[1:31:43] Happened bit.

[1:31:44] Yeah,

[1:31:44] yeah,

[1:31:44] I remembered.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:46] So,

[1:31:47] this letter

[1:31:47] is from

[1:31:48] Mark Lastame

[1:31:49] with Helen.

[1:31:49] Dan,

[1:31:49] you tell me

[1:31:50] another recent

[1:31:51] Broadway show

[1:31:51] that has

[1:31:52] national appeal.

[1:31:54] Name it.

[1:31:54] Dear Evan

[1:31:55] Hansen.

[1:31:56] Dear Evan

[1:31:56] Hansen,

[1:31:57] what's your show

[1:31:57] about?

[1:31:58] I'm not

[1:31:58] interested enough

[1:31:59] to go see it.

[1:32:00] Love,

[1:32:00] Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:01] Elliot to

[1:32:04] Broadway.

[1:32:04] Drop it.

[1:32:05] Drop dead.

[1:32:06] Gorgeous.

[1:32:07] Would be a great

[1:32:07] movie to do a

[1:32:08] musical of.

[1:32:10] Fred and

[1:32:11] Gorgeous.

[1:32:11] I love how

[1:32:12] both of you

[1:32:12] went a different

[1:32:13] direction.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:16] Phoebe Cates

[1:32:17] triumphant

[1:32:18] debut on the

[1:32:19] Great White

[1:32:19] Way and

[1:32:20] Drop Dead

[1:32:20] Fred the

[1:32:21] musical.

[1:32:23] Starring

[1:32:24] Kevin Kline

[1:32:25] as Fred.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:26] Oh,

[1:32:26] that would be

[1:32:27] great.

[1:32:27] That would

[1:32:27] bring them

[1:32:28] closer together.

[1:32:30] This is from

[1:32:31] Mark.

[1:32:31] Last name

[1:32:32] withheld.

[1:32:32] Marco

[1:32:33] Beltrami.

[1:32:35] It has to

[1:32:36] be.

[1:32:37] Hey,

Dan McCoy

[1:32:37] floppers,

[1:32:38] I live in a

[1:32:38] town where a

[1:32:39] lot of movies

[1:32:39] are filmed.

[1:32:40] Moab,

[1:32:40] Utah.

[1:32:42] There are

[1:32:42] often casting

[1:32:43] calls for

[1:32:43] movie extras,

[1:32:44] so it's not

[1:32:44] uncommon for

[1:32:45] locals to get

[1:32:46] on screen.

[1:32:47] I was at a

[1:32:47] work luncheon

[1:32:48] with my

[1:32:48] partner,

[1:32:49] and the

[1:32:49] venue had a

[1:32:50] movie museum

[1:32:51] in the

[1:32:51] basement to

[1:32:51] pay homage

[1:32:52] to all the

[1:32:53] films shot

[1:32:53] here.

[1:32:54] While we

[1:32:55] were looking

[1:32:55] at my

[1:32:55] partner's

[1:32:56] co-worker's

[1:32:56] husband,

[1:32:57] while we

[1:32:57] were looking,

[1:32:59] my partner's

[1:32:59] co-worker's

[1:33:00] husband,

[1:33:01] mentioned

[1:33:01] that he

[1:33:01] was in

[1:33:01] a movie,

[1:33:02] and naturally

[1:33:03] we asked him

[1:33:03] which one.

[1:33:05] He proceeded

[1:33:05] to ask if

[1:33:06] we'd heard of

[1:33:06] a little film

[1:33:07] called The

[1:33:07] Great Bikini

[1:33:08] Off-Road

[1:33:09] Adventure.

[1:33:09] Whoa!

[1:33:10] Hell yeah.

[1:33:11] Having never

[1:33:12] seen the movie,

[1:33:12] I didn't even

[1:33:13] realize it was

[1:33:14] shot in my

[1:33:14] town.

[1:33:16] Naturally,

[1:33:16] I went home

[1:33:16] and watched

[1:33:17] it, and sure

[1:33:17] enough, he's

[1:33:18] one of the

[1:33:19] tourists that

[1:33:19] go on the

[1:33:20] first tour.

[1:33:21] Unfortunately,

[1:33:22] he isn't the

[1:33:22] headbanger with

[1:33:23] the long hair.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:24] Is he the

[1:33:24] Japanese tourist

[1:33:25] who can't get

[1:33:27] over the sight

[1:33:28] of female

[1:33:28] breasts?

Dan McCoy

[1:33:29] Wow, you

[1:33:30] remember this

[1:33:31] movie very

[1:33:31] well.

[1:33:33] Not only was

[1:33:33] he in the

[1:33:34] movie, but

[1:33:34] the center

[1:33:35] that they run

[1:33:35] tours out of

[1:33:36] is his

[1:33:37] hostel, Lazy

[1:33:38] Lizard Hostel.

[1:33:40] That's a real

[1:33:40] place?

[1:33:41] Apparently.

[1:33:42] As a very

[1:33:42] quiet older

[1:33:43] gentleman.

[1:33:43] I just thought

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:44] it was part of

[1:33:44] the world

[1:33:45] building of

[1:33:45] The Great

[1:33:45] Bikini

[1:33:46] Off-Road

[1:33:46] Adventure.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:47] As a very

[1:33:49] gentleman, this

[1:33:50] blew me away.

[1:33:51] Wait, is the

[1:33:53] writer the

[1:33:54] gentleman?

[1:33:55] Yeah, or the

[1:33:56] owner.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:58] Write in,

[1:33:59] Mark, and

[1:33:59] tell us.

[1:34:00] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:01] The owner is

[1:34:02] a...

[1:34:03] Don't write

[1:34:03] in, Mark.

[1:34:05] Have you ever

[1:34:05] had an experience

[1:34:06] that made you

[1:34:07] realize that a

[1:34:07] quiet slash

[1:34:08] unsuspecting

[1:34:10] acquaintance...

[1:34:11] Unsuspecting, I

[1:34:12] don't know if he

[1:34:13] means that.

[1:34:14] Made you realize

[1:34:15] that a quiet

[1:34:16] unassuming...

[1:34:16] Redline it later

[1:34:17] and then you can

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:18] mail it back to

[1:34:18] him with a

[1:34:19] grade.

[1:34:20] Acquaintance.

[1:34:20] See me after

[1:34:21] class.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:22] May have lived a

[1:34:23] very different life

[1:34:23] before the time

[1:34:24] you met them.

[1:34:25] I know this is

[1:34:25] small, but it

[1:34:26] really caught me

[1:34:26] by surprise.

[1:34:27] Thanks, Mark.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:29] I just want to

[1:34:30] point out that

[1:34:31] there's a book

[1:34:31] called Where God

[1:34:32] Put the West,

[1:34:33] Movie Making in

[1:34:34] the Desert.

[1:34:34] It's all about

[1:34:35] the western movies

[1:34:35] that were shot

[1:34:36] in Moab.

[1:34:37] Do they talk

[1:34:38] about Great Bikini

[1:34:39] Off-Road Adventure?

[1:34:40] They don't.

[1:34:41] Oh, that's too

[1:34:41] bad.

[1:34:42] So this is like

[1:34:43] people we've

[1:34:44] known who were

[1:34:44] quiet and

[1:34:44] unassuming and

[1:34:45] had like a

[1:34:45] kind of crazy

[1:34:46] story behind

[1:34:46] them.

[1:34:47] Yes.

[1:34:48] I recently found

[1:34:50] out that on a

[1:34:51] show I worked

[1:34:51] on that two

[1:34:52] of my coworkers

[1:34:53] found out that

[1:34:55] they had both

[1:34:55] been kidnapped

[1:34:56] as children.

[1:34:57] So that was

[1:34:58] something I

[1:34:58] didn't suspect

[1:34:58] at all.

[1:34:59] But also there

[1:35:00] was this guy

[1:35:00] I used to

[1:35:00] know.

[1:35:01] They found

[1:35:01] out that?

[1:35:02] I mean in

[1:35:02] conversation.

[1:35:03] They were like,

[1:35:04] you were kidnapped

[1:35:04] as a child?

[1:35:05] I was kidnapped

[1:35:05] as a child too.

[1:35:06] No, it's not

[1:35:06] like a psychologist

[1:35:07] came by and did

[1:35:08] hypnosis therapy

[1:35:09] for everybody as

[1:35:10] an office prank

[1:35:11] at the party.

[1:35:12] But there was

[1:35:13] a guy I worked

[1:35:15] with once who

[1:35:16] like, you know,

[1:35:17] like, I thought

[1:35:18] he was just this

[1:35:21] like kind of older

[1:35:22] guy who just kind

[1:35:22] of lived in a

[1:35:23] cabin and chopped

[1:35:24] wood.

[1:35:24] And then one day

[1:35:25] this military guy

[1:35:27] came up to find

[1:35:28] him and was like,

[1:35:29] we need you back.

[1:35:30] And he was like,

[1:35:31] how did you find

[1:35:32] me?

[1:35:33] And they were

[1:35:33] like, come on,

[1:35:34] John Rambo.

[1:35:35] I haven't heard

[1:35:36] that name in a long

[1:35:37] time.

[1:35:37] And I was like,

[1:35:38] I thought this was

[1:35:38] just my neighbor

[1:35:39] who liked to chop

[1:35:39] wood and stack it

[1:35:40] next to his cabin.

[1:35:42] Alternately, I had

[1:35:42] another neighbor

[1:35:43] who was like,

[1:35:43] he lived out in

[1:35:44] the desert and

[1:35:45] he just wore a

[1:35:45] brown cloak and

[1:35:46] would practice

[1:35:46] his crate dragon

[1:35:47] calls.

[1:35:48] And then Luke

[1:35:49] Skywalker was like,

[1:35:50] Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[1:35:51] that's the name I

[1:35:52] haven't heard in a

[1:35:52] long time.

[1:35:53] no, that's just

[1:35:53] old Ben, the guy

[1:35:54] I know.

[1:35:55] Turns out a lot

[1:35:56] of people have

[1:35:57] amazing stories.

[1:36:00] Executive produced

[1:36:01] by Steven Spielberg.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:04] I mean, I met

[1:36:05] a lot of weird

[1:36:07] dudes at the bar,

[1:36:09] just weird people

[1:36:10] in general.

[1:36:11] I think when,

[1:36:13] it was back when

[1:36:13] I was working

[1:36:14] for the hobby

[1:36:14] store, I had a

[1:36:15] coworker who,

[1:36:18] uh, I knew he,

[1:36:19] I knew that he had

[1:36:20] spent some time in

[1:36:21] the army, but,

[1:36:23] uh, as I talked

[1:36:25] to him more and

[1:36:26] more, I started

[1:36:26] finding out all

[1:36:27] these stories about

[1:36:28] him, like, you

[1:36:31] know, like having

[1:36:31] a guy break into

[1:36:32] his home and he

[1:36:33] almost killed the

[1:36:34] guy with his

[1:36:35] hands and then

[1:36:36] like getting in a

[1:36:37] bar fight and

[1:36:38] then having the

[1:36:39] earlier thing, uh,

[1:36:41] get brought up in

[1:36:41] court against him

[1:36:42] and him having to

[1:36:43] register with the

[1:36:44] city of Baltimore

[1:36:45] as being a, as

[1:36:46] like a potential

[1:36:47] weapon, like a

[1:36:49] living weapon type

[1:36:50] thing.

[1:36:50] So that was pretty

[1:36:51] cool.

[1:36:52] Wow.

[1:36:53] Living weapon.

[1:36:54] so the guest has

[1:36:55] been going to your

[1:36:55] bar.

[1:36:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:36:56] His name's Dan

[1:36:57] Stevens.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:59] Uh, Dan, you're

[1:37:00] kind of a quiet

[1:37:00] unassuming guy.

[1:37:01] What exciting thing

[1:37:02] do you have in your

[1:37:02] background?

[1:37:03] Don't want to talk

[1:37:04] about it.

[1:37:05] Uh, you have to

[1:37:06] wait to listen to

[1:37:07] Dangerous Liaisons.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:09] Um, so yeah, I

[1:37:12] don't, I can't

[1:37:12] really, the closest

[1:37:14] thing I can think

[1:37:15] of is my dad once

[1:37:16] told a story where

[1:37:18] he said that he

[1:37:20] was, um, watching

[1:37:21] the movie On the

[1:37:22] Beach, which is a

[1:37:22] movie about, uh,

[1:37:24] nuclear apocalypse

[1:37:25] basically.

[1:37:26] I mean like, uh,

[1:37:27] what is it like

[1:37:28] survivors in

[1:37:29] Australia?

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:30] The last, the last

[1:37:30] humans alive are in

[1:37:31] Australia as the, as

[1:37:32] the new radioactive

[1:37:33] cloud enshrouds the

[1:37:34] earth.

[1:37:35] And it's, they're

[1:37:35] just kind of in

[1:37:36] many ways marking

[1:37:37] the time until the

[1:37:38] cloud reaches.

[1:37:39] Right.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:39] And so he saw

[1:37:40] this depressing movie

[1:37:41] about, uh, war

[1:37:43] annihilating the, the

[1:37:45] world.

[1:37:45] And he said that he

[1:37:47] like walked out

[1:37:48] wearing, uh, military

[1:37:51] uniform and all the

[1:37:53] people around him

[1:37:54] were giving him

[1:37:55] side eye because of

[1:37:56] this war movie that

[1:37:57] like they destroyed

[1:37:58] the world.

[1:38:00] whoa, whoa, whoa,

[1:38:01] hold up military

[1:38:02] uniform.

[1:38:03] Like I had never

[1:38:04] known that my dad

[1:38:05] had served in any

[1:38:06] way at all.

[1:38:07] And this just like,

[1:38:08] this is less a story

[1:38:08] I guess about a

[1:38:10] quiet unassuming

[1:38:10] person and surprise

[1:38:12] and more story about

[1:38:13] how little we talk

[1:38:14] in my family.

[1:38:15] I like that your

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:15] dad was like,

[1:38:16] why did you think

[1:38:16] I had to register

[1:38:17] as a living weapon?

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:19] Yeah.

[1:38:20] And he holds

[1:38:20] over his two

[1:38:21] liquid metal

[1:38:22] blade hands.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:25] I'm here to kill

[1:38:26] you, son.

[1:38:27] I came from the

[1:38:28] future.

[1:38:29] Wait, but you're

[1:38:29] my dad.

[1:38:30] Yeah, well, I

[1:38:30] came back to have

[1:38:31] you and then I,

[1:38:31] and then kill you.

[1:38:32] Skynet.

[1:38:33] That's complicated.

[1:38:34] So your dad

[1:38:34] served in the

[1:38:35] military?

[1:38:35] I didn't know

[1:38:35] that.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:36] I believe the

[1:38:37] Air Force,

[1:38:37] although I don't

[1:38:38] think he ever

[1:38:38] flew, really.

[1:38:40] what the story

[1:38:41] is behind that.

[1:38:41] Are you sure

[1:38:41] it wasn't the

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:42] Hair Force?

[1:38:42] Tight-lipped.

[1:38:43] Which would be

[1:38:43] a Bugs Bunny

[1:38:44] cartoon?

[1:38:45] Yeah.

[1:38:45] He is a quiet,

[1:38:47] unassuming

[1:38:47] gentleman.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:49] Thank your dad

[1:38:50] for his service

[1:38:50] for us.

[1:38:51] Someday a

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:52] military guy's

[1:38:52] going to show

[1:38:52] up at your

[1:38:53] parents'

[1:38:53] house and he's

[1:38:54] going to be

[1:38:54] like, I

[1:38:55] thought I put

[1:38:55] that all

[1:38:55] behind me.

[1:38:57] And you're

[1:38:58] going to get

[1:38:58] wrapped up in

[1:38:58] it somehow.

[1:39:00] It'll make

[1:39:00] you guys

[1:39:00] closer.

[1:39:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:03] So this next

[1:39:04] letter is from

[1:39:05] Alex, last name

[1:39:06] withheld.

[1:39:07] Mack.

[1:39:09] Secret world.

[1:39:10] Alex Smith.

[1:39:11] And she writes...

[1:39:13] Alex Smith.

[1:39:14] Oh.

[1:39:15] Yeah, like Alex

[1:39:16] Mack.

[1:39:17] Hello.

[1:39:17] He's in the

[1:39:17] world of.

[1:39:18] Hello, flopperinos.

[1:39:21] As connoisseurs

[1:39:22] of the greatest

[1:39:23] media format

[1:39:23] since those

[1:39:24] little binoculars

[1:39:25] that you put

[1:39:25] money into

[1:39:26] and watch a

[1:39:26] naughty story

[1:39:27] in,

[1:39:27] mayhaps a

[1:39:28] mustachioed

[1:39:29] scoundrel

[1:39:29] spying on a

[1:39:30] naked lady,

[1:39:31] I wonder

[1:39:32] whether you

[1:39:32] had a similar

[1:39:33] experience to

[1:39:33] me.

[1:39:34] When I was

[1:39:35] but a young

[1:39:35] lass,

[1:39:36] I used to

[1:39:37] rifle through

[1:39:37] my father's

[1:39:38] substantial

[1:39:39] collection of

[1:39:39] VHS tapes

[1:39:40] and admire

[1:39:41] the various

[1:39:41] covers,

[1:39:42] wondering what

[1:39:43] the films

[1:39:43] were actually

[1:39:43] like.

[1:39:44] The one

[1:39:45] cover that

[1:39:45] used to

[1:39:45] fascinate me

[1:39:46] more than

[1:39:46] any other

[1:39:47] was the

[1:39:47] VHS box

[1:39:48] for Ridley

[1:39:49] Scott's

[1:39:49] Blade Runner.

[1:39:50] I was really

[1:39:51] into that

[1:39:51] artwork.

[1:39:52] When I

[1:39:53] eventually

[1:39:53] watched the

[1:39:53] film,

[1:39:54] I was

[1:39:54] pleased to

[1:39:54] find that

[1:39:54] the cover

[1:39:55] actually lived

[1:39:55] up to my

[1:39:56] expectations.

[1:39:57] Did you

[1:39:57] ever have

[1:39:58] a similar

[1:39:58] experience?

[1:39:59] Were you

[1:39:59] ever fascinated

[1:40:00] with a VHS

[1:40:00] cover?

[1:40:01] And did the

[1:40:02] film turn out

[1:40:02] to be everything

[1:40:03] you ever wanted

[1:40:03] it to be?

[1:40:04] Keep on

[1:40:05] flopping.

[1:40:06] Alex,

[1:40:06] last name

[1:40:06] withheld.

[1:40:07] P.S.

[1:40:08] Stu,

[1:40:08] you're my

[1:40:09] favorite because

[1:40:09] you're the

[1:40:10] bad boy of

[1:40:11] podcasts.

[1:40:11] Yeah,

[1:40:13] tell that

[1:40:13] to my

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:14] dad.

[1:40:17] Yeah,

[1:40:17] so there's

[1:40:17] a couple

[1:40:18] of VHS

[1:40:18] tapes,

[1:40:19] coverage that

[1:40:20] I remember

[1:40:20] from my

[1:40:21] video store.

[1:40:22] One of

[1:40:23] them I

[1:40:23] actually

[1:40:23] haven't

[1:40:24] seen,

[1:40:25] and the

[1:40:25] other I

[1:40:26] have seen

[1:40:26] and think

[1:40:27] totally rules.

[1:40:28] so I've

[1:40:29] seen Black

[1:40:29] Roses.

[1:40:31] seeing the

[1:40:32] DVD or

[1:40:32] the VHS

[1:40:33] tape case

[1:40:34] and it

[1:40:34] had one

[1:40:35] of those

[1:40:35] like puffy

[1:40:36] cases where

[1:40:38] it had like

[1:40:39] a raised

[1:40:39] surface.

[1:40:40] Like a clamshell

[1:40:41] case.

[1:40:41] Yeah,

[1:40:41] but no,

[1:40:42] but like the

[1:40:43] surface is also

[1:40:43] like pushed

[1:40:44] out from like

[1:40:45] it had some

[1:40:46] kind of like

[1:40:46] Oh,

[1:40:46] I see.

[1:40:47] It's like

[1:40:47] embossed or

[1:40:48] something?

[1:40:48] Yeah,

[1:40:48] and so it

[1:40:49] had like

[1:40:50] these,

[1:40:51] you know,

[1:40:52] a bunch of

[1:40:52] it had a bunch

[1:40:53] of roses

[1:40:54] and evil

[1:40:55] eyes and

[1:40:56] like a hand

[1:40:56] holding onto

[1:40:57] a guitar.

[1:40:58] And it's

[1:40:59] a super

[1:40:59] awesome

[1:41:00] rock and

[1:41:01] roll horror

[1:41:01] movie with

[1:41:02] a very

[1:41:03] catchy

[1:41:03] soundtrack.

[1:41:05] And the

[1:41:06] other one

[1:41:06] that I've

[1:41:07] seen the

[1:41:07] cover,

[1:41:08] but I've

[1:41:08] actually

[1:41:08] don't think

[1:41:09] I've ever

[1:41:09] seen the

[1:41:09] movie is

[1:41:10] what is

[1:41:10] it?

[1:41:11] In the

[1:41:11] Company

[1:41:11] of Wolves

[1:41:12] where the

[1:41:14] guy is

[1:41:15] changing into

[1:41:15] a werewolf

[1:41:16] or something

[1:41:16] and there's

[1:41:17] like a

[1:41:18] Red Riding

[1:41:18] Hood stand

[1:41:19] in in the

[1:41:19] background,

[1:41:20] but the

[1:41:20] man's

[1:41:21] changing

[1:41:21] into a

[1:41:21] werewolf

[1:41:22] and he's

[1:41:22] like opening

[1:41:23] his mouth

[1:41:24] like a wolf

[1:41:25] snout

[1:41:25] coming out

[1:41:26] of his

[1:41:26] mouth.

[1:41:27] And it's

[1:41:28] this awesome

[1:41:28] cover.

[1:41:29] I'm surprised

[1:41:30] you guys

[1:41:30] haven't seen

[1:41:31] what I'm

[1:41:31] talking about.

[1:41:32] I'll pull it

[1:41:32] up on my

[1:41:33] phone so I

[1:41:33] can show you

[1:41:33] and you

[1:41:34] can ooh

[1:41:34] and ah.

[1:41:37] Dan,

[1:41:37] anything for

[1:41:38] you?

[1:41:38] answer the

Dan McCoy

[1:41:47] answer the

[1:41:47] question, Dan.

[1:41:49] There was

[1:41:50] a movie,

[1:41:51] not a movie

[1:41:52] rental place.

[1:41:53] It's called

Dan McCoy

[1:41:53] The Company

[1:41:53] of Wolves.

[1:41:55] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:56] Yeah, that

[1:41:56] cover, dude.

[1:41:58] Oh, I

[1:41:58] remember that

[1:41:59] cover.

[1:41:59] It's bonkers.

[1:42:00] It is

[1:42:00] bonkers.

[1:42:01] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:02] Google that,

[1:42:03] I guess,

[1:42:04] listeners.

[1:42:05] Yeah, somebody

[1:42:05] needs to see

[1:42:06] a dentist.

[1:42:07] Okay, that

[1:42:08] joke will make

[1:42:09] sense once you

[1:42:09] Google it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:10] Yeah, rewind

[1:42:10] the podcast,

[1:42:11] then Google,

[1:42:12] then listen

[1:42:12] to my joke.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:15] there was a

[1:42:16] video store

[1:42:16] in town

[1:42:18] that had

[1:42:19] a single

[1:42:21] copy of

[1:42:22] Bloodsucking

[1:42:23] Nazi Zombies,

[1:42:24] otherwise known

[1:42:25] as Oasis

[1:42:25] of the Zombies,

[1:42:26] but the

[1:42:27] cover used

[1:42:28] the Bloodsucking

[1:42:29] Nazi Zombies

[1:42:30] title because

[1:42:32] it is,

[1:42:33] of course,

[1:42:34] a superior

[1:42:34] title.

[1:42:36] And when I

[1:42:37] was a kid,

[1:42:38] I thought that

[1:42:38] was the funniest

[1:42:39] thing I'd ever

[1:42:40] heard of.

[1:42:42] It was so

[1:42:43] over-the-top

[1:42:44] sleazy,

[1:42:45] and I was like,

[1:42:46] this must be

[1:42:46] the greatest

[1:42:47] movie.

[1:42:48] And if you

[1:42:48] watch it,

[1:42:49] it is sort

[1:42:50] of,

[1:42:51] I would say,

[1:42:52] stultifying,

[1:42:53] might be the

[1:42:53] word.

[1:42:54] It's very

[1:42:55] slow.

[1:42:56] It has,

[1:42:58] I don't know,

[1:42:59] it's like a

[1:42:59] sleazy 70s

[1:43:00] movie,

[1:43:01] so there's

[1:43:02] like,

[1:43:02] early 80s,

[1:43:04] so there's a

[1:43:05] bunch of

[1:43:05] naked ladies

[1:43:06] running around,

[1:43:07] but that's

[1:43:08] the only...

[1:43:08] Wait,

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:08] what movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:12] Bloodsucking

[1:43:13] Nazi Zombies.

[1:43:14] That was the

[1:43:14] one that I was

[1:43:15] like,

[1:43:15] this can't

[1:43:16] possibly live

[1:43:17] up to its

[1:43:18] title and

[1:43:18] cover,

[1:43:19] and it

[1:43:19] did not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:20] This

[1:43:20] question

[1:43:23] reminded me

[1:43:23] of a box

[1:43:24] cover I

[1:43:25] had not

[1:43:25] remembered

[1:43:25] in a long

[1:43:26] time,

[1:43:26] but it

[1:43:27] came back

[1:43:27] to me

[1:43:27] as the

[1:43:28] same

[1:43:28] fire sign

[1:43:29] theater,

[1:43:29] like the

[1:43:29] hot kiss

[1:43:29] at the

[1:43:30] end of

[1:43:30] a wet

[1:43:30] fist.

[1:43:32] In the

[1:43:33] video store

[1:43:33] I grew

[1:43:34] up with,

[1:43:35] Palmer Video,

[1:43:36] in,

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:36] no,

[1:43:37] it was Video

[1:43:38] Town,

[1:43:38] in Melbourne,

[1:43:39] New Jersey,

[1:43:39] Palmer Video

[1:43:40] was the

[1:43:40] other store,

[1:43:40] there was a

[1:43:41] movie called

[1:43:42] LA Goddess

[1:43:43] that just

[1:43:44] had like a,

[1:43:46] was clearly

[1:43:47] like some

[1:43:48] kind of sexy

[1:43:48] movie.

[1:43:50] Like Hard

[1:43:50] Bodies?

[1:43:51] Yeah,

[1:43:51] and I was

[1:43:51] like probably

[1:43:52] eight.

[1:43:53] From the

[1:43:54] ages of

[1:43:54] eight through

[1:43:55] twelve would

[1:43:55] see it on

[1:43:56] the shelf,

[1:43:57] and it

[1:43:58] was not

[1:43:58] in the

[1:43:59] porn section,

[1:44:00] which I knew

[1:44:00] existed and

[1:44:01] was through

[1:44:01] like some,

[1:44:02] you know,

[1:44:02] those canteen,

[1:44:04] it was like

[1:44:05] saloon doors.

[1:44:07] Hey,

[1:44:07] partner,

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:08] you gotta be

[1:44:08] this high to

[1:44:09] be able to

[1:44:09] look at this

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:10] material.

[1:44:11] Give me a

[1:44:11] whiskey and

[1:44:12] a porn.

[1:44:13] But it was

[1:44:14] always on the

[1:44:15] shelf and I

[1:44:15] was always like,

[1:44:16] this must be

[1:44:16] like a grown-up

[1:44:17] sex movie of

[1:44:18] some kind,

[1:44:19] but I never

[1:44:19] saw it.

[1:44:20] But the cover

[1:44:20] always stuck

[1:44:21] with me,

[1:44:21] and looking it

[1:44:22] up now online,

[1:44:23] I see that

[1:44:23] James Hong

[1:44:24] and Joe

[1:44:24] Estevez

[1:44:25] were in it,

[1:44:25] so now I'm

[1:44:26] really curious

[1:44:26] about this

[1:44:27] dumb movie.

[1:44:28] So anyway,

[1:44:29] that was one.

[1:44:29] What was it

[1:44:30] called?

[1:44:30] Hollywood Sex

[1:44:31] Goddess?

[1:44:31] It was called

[1:44:31] L.A.

[1:44:32] Goddess.

[1:44:32] But that's

[1:44:33] one, again,

[1:44:33] I've never

[1:44:34] seen it,

[1:44:34] don't know

[1:44:35] anything about

[1:44:35] it,

[1:44:36] but it just

[1:44:36] always like

[1:44:37] was sitting

[1:44:39] there on the

[1:44:39] shelf looking

[1:44:39] me in the

[1:44:40] face.

[1:44:40] Yeah,

[1:44:40] yeah,

[1:44:40] that's the

[1:44:41] one.

[1:44:41] The woman

[1:44:42] pulling up

[1:44:42] her night

[1:44:43] trivial leg.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:44] It says

[1:44:45] work hard,

[1:44:45] play hard,

[1:44:46] right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:46] Work hard,

[1:44:47] play easy.

[1:44:48] Oh,

[1:44:49] that's

[1:44:49] weird.

[1:44:50] And it's

[1:44:50] from the

[1:44:50] director of

[1:44:51] Night Eyes

[1:44:51] according to

[1:44:52] the cover,

[1:44:52] so.

[1:44:52] It's probably

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:53] not a sexy

[1:44:54] movie,

[1:44:54] then.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:55] Anyway,

[1:44:56] never seen

[1:44:57] it,

[1:44:57] but that

[1:44:57] cover,

[1:44:58] when I was

[1:44:58] a kid at

[1:44:59] least,

[1:44:59] it was

[1:44:59] like,

[1:44:59] what is

[1:45:00] this?

[1:45:00] I see that

[1:45:01] woman's

[1:45:02] whole leg.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:02] Last letter

[1:45:03] to the show

[1:45:04] is from

[1:45:05] Graham,

[1:45:05] last name

[1:45:05] withheld.

[1:45:06] Cracker.

[1:45:07] Right.

[1:45:09] Thanks to

[1:45:09] your podcast.

[1:45:10] I'm

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:11] not calling

[1:45:12] that,

[1:45:12] just saying,

[1:45:13] not Teddy.

[1:45:15] Well,

[1:45:15] Teddy would be

[1:45:16] his first name,

[1:45:17] and Graham would

[1:45:17] be the last name.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:19] Thanks to your

[1:45:19] podcast,

[1:45:20] I am striving to

[1:45:21] become a

[1:45:21] connoisseur of

[1:45:22] good,

[1:45:22] bad movies.

[1:45:23] I recently

[1:45:23] brought it upon

[1:45:24] myself to

[1:45:25] watch a film

[1:45:25] you have

[1:45:26] mentioned a

[1:45:26] few times,

[1:45:27] though as

[1:45:28] at time of

[1:45:29] writing have

[1:45:30] not yet

[1:45:30] flopped.

[1:45:31] A timeless

[1:45:32] classic of a

[1:45:32] love story

[1:45:33] between a

[1:45:33] comic book

[1:45:34] writer and a

[1:45:34] cartoon stripper.

[1:45:36] I'm referring

[1:45:36] to none other

[1:45:37] than Ralph

[1:45:38] Bakshi's

[1:45:38] Cool World.

[1:45:40] I went in

[1:45:41] expecting a

[1:45:41] less competently

[1:45:42] made Who

[1:45:43] Framed Roger

[1:45:43] Rabbit knockoff,

[1:45:44] but was instead

[1:45:45] bombarded with a

[1:45:46] melee of gratingly

[1:45:47] voiced and

[1:45:47] grotesquely drawn

[1:45:48] characters,

[1:45:50] an incomprehensible

[1:45:50] plot,

[1:45:51] the inexplicable

[1:45:52] presence of

[1:45:53] Brad Pitt,

[1:45:54] and of course

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:54] He's a human

[1:45:55] cop inside the

[1:45:56] Toon universe

[1:45:56] because he died

[1:45:58] in the 40s.

[1:45:59] What's not to

[1:45:59] understand?

Dan McCoy

[1:46:00] And of course

[1:46:00] cringy cartoon

[1:46:01] on human sex.

[1:46:03] I've had fever

[1:46:03] dreams that were

[1:46:04] less hard on my

[1:46:05] senses than this

[1:46:06] movie.

[1:46:07] But when trying

[1:46:07] to apply the

[1:46:08] flop houses

[1:46:09] otherwise

[1:46:09] fine rating

[1:46:10] system,

[1:46:11] I noticed

[1:46:11] something odd.

[1:46:13] It's not a

[1:46:13] movie I kind

[1:46:14] of liked because,

[1:46:14] well,

[1:46:15] it's terrible.

[1:46:16] It's not a

[1:46:16] good bad movie

[1:46:17] because it

[1:46:17] wasn't funny

[1:46:18] and I would

[1:46:18] be too

[1:46:19] embarrassed to

[1:46:19] watch it

[1:46:19] with anyone

[1:46:20] else.

[1:46:20] But I

[1:46:21] couldn't

[1:46:21] quite bring

[1:46:22] myself to

[1:46:22] mentally

[1:46:22] categorize it

[1:46:23] as a

[1:46:23] bad bad

[1:46:24] movie.

[1:46:25] Yes,

[1:46:25] it was awful,

[1:46:26] but I

[1:46:26] didn't find

[1:46:26] it boring.

[1:46:27] Its sheer

[1:46:28] incompetence

[1:46:28] in storytelling

[1:46:29] was fascinating

[1:46:30] as it

[1:46:30] desperately

[1:46:31] tries to be

[1:46:31] both an

[1:46:31] R-rated

[1:46:32] horror film

[1:46:33] and a

[1:46:33] PG-13

[1:46:33] comedy.

[1:46:34] Plus,

[1:46:35] the visuals,

[1:46:36] the stylized

[1:46:36] urban

[1:46:39] tension,

[1:46:40] along with

[1:46:40] the curiously

[1:46:40] sad feeling

[1:46:41] that a movie

[1:46:42] like this

[1:46:42] could only

[1:46:43] be made

[1:46:43] in the

[1:46:43] 90s.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:44] 2D

[1:46:45] animated

[1:46:45] films are

[1:46:46] becoming...

[1:46:46] So strange.

[1:46:47] I find it

[1:46:47] so fascinating.

[1:46:48] Why?

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:49] Just because

[1:46:49] if Hollywood,

[1:46:50] Hollywood?

[1:46:51] Yep.

[1:46:51] You're just

[1:46:52] reciting the

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:54] ad you saw

[1:46:54] on a fucking

[1:46:55] comic book,

[1:46:55] Elliot.

[1:46:56] On the

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:56] bottom back

[1:46:56] of every

[1:46:57] comic book

[1:46:58] for four

[1:46:58] months in

[1:46:59] 92 or

Dan McCoy

[1:47:00] whatever.

[1:47:01] 2D animated

[1:47:02] films are

[1:47:02] becoming

[1:47:02] rarer and

[1:47:03] 2D live

[1:47:03] action hybrids

[1:47:04] even rarer.

[1:47:05] Cool World

[1:47:06] for all its

[1:47:06] many failures

[1:47:07] is if nothing

[1:47:09] else...

[1:47:09] Neither cool

[1:47:10] nor world.

[1:47:11] And thus

[1:47:12] ends my

[1:47:12] book report.

[1:47:14] It is,

[1:47:15] if nothing

[1:47:15] else,

[1:47:16] unique.

[1:47:17] What other

[1:47:17] unambiguously

[1:47:19] terrible films

[1:47:20] have you seen

[1:47:20] which,

[1:47:21] despite not

[1:47:22] being good

[1:47:22] bad movies,

[1:47:23] are worth

[1:47:23] watching purely

[1:47:24] as a lesson

[1:47:25] in seeing how

[1:47:25] hard a movie

[1:47:26] can fail or

[1:47:27] because there

[1:47:28] was an

[1:47:28] interesting idea

[1:47:29] in there

[1:47:29] somewhere?

[1:47:30] Thanks for

[1:47:30] giving me

[1:47:31] so many

[1:47:31] hours of

[1:47:31] entertainment

[1:47:32] on my

[1:47:32] travels.

[1:47:33] Graham,

[1:47:33] last name

[1:47:34] withheld.

[1:47:35] So,

[1:47:36] movies that

[1:47:37] aren't good

[1:47:39] bad,

[1:47:40] but are

[1:47:40] worth watching

[1:47:41] for,

[1:47:42] I don't

[1:47:43] know,

[1:47:43] crazy reasons,

[1:47:44] let's say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:46] No,

[1:47:46] I mean,

[1:47:46] I think,

[1:47:47] I don't

[1:47:47] necessarily even

[1:47:48] think it's

[1:47:48] crazy reasons.

[1:47:49] I think it's

[1:47:50] pretty clear

[1:47:50] that one of

[1:47:51] the ideas

[1:47:51] is that,

[1:47:52] the movie

[1:47:53] I'm going

[1:47:53] to mention

[1:47:54] is a movie

[1:47:54] I don't

[1:47:55] recommend,

[1:47:55] and it's

[1:47:56] a movie

[1:47:56] that we've

[1:47:57] watched on

[1:47:58] the show,

[1:47:59] but I think

[1:47:59] a movie that

[1:48:00] does

[1:48:01] basically

[1:48:02] everything

[1:48:03] wrong

[1:48:03] is

[1:48:05] Sucker Punch,

[1:48:06] the Zack

[1:48:06] Snyder film.

[1:48:07] Yeah.

[1:48:08] Because it's

[1:48:10] clearly trying to

[1:48:11] tell this story,

[1:48:12] this almost

[1:48:13] whimsical story

[1:48:14] of a girl

[1:48:14] who lives

[1:48:17] a fairy tale

[1:48:19] existence in

[1:48:20] her head

[1:48:20] to get out

[1:48:21] of the

[1:48:22] shittiness

[1:48:22] of her

[1:48:23] actual life,

[1:48:24] and it

[1:48:25] tries to

[1:48:25] be empowering,

[1:48:26] but in

[1:48:26] turn,

[1:48:27] just turns

[1:48:27] her into

[1:48:28] an object

[1:48:29] of desire,

[1:48:31] and it's

[1:48:32] such a

[1:48:33] fascinatingly

[1:48:35] wrong-headed

[1:48:35] movie,

[1:48:36] and it's

[1:48:37] also filtered

[1:48:38] through just

[1:48:39] the general

[1:48:39] negativity

[1:48:40] that every

[1:48:41] Zack

[1:48:41] Snyder movie

[1:48:42] is filled

[1:48:42] with.

[1:48:42] And the

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:42] fantasy

[1:48:43] sequences

[1:48:43] are such

[1:48:44] strange

[1:48:46] mishmashes

[1:48:46] of concepts,

[1:48:48] you know,

[1:48:49] like the

[1:48:49] cyborg

[1:48:50] World War

[1:48:50] I dragons

[1:48:51] and things

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:52] like that.

[1:48:52] Which in

[1:48:53] a way

[1:48:53] wouldn't be

[1:48:54] like,

[1:48:54] if it was

[1:48:55] informed by

[1:48:55] others,

[1:48:56] I mean,

[1:48:56] we could

[1:48:56] talk about

[1:48:57] that movie

[1:48:57] forever,

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:57] but...

[1:48:58] I mean,

[1:48:58] it's kind

[1:48:58] of the

[1:48:58] opposite

[1:48:59] of Bright,

[1:48:59] in that Bright

[1:49:00] is a movie

[1:49:00] where they're

[1:49:00] like,

[1:49:01] it's the

[1:49:01] regular

[1:49:01] world,

[1:49:02] but there's

[1:49:02] a bunch

[1:49:02] of fantasy

[1:49:02] shit,

[1:49:03] and Sucker

[1:49:04] Punch is

[1:49:04] like,

[1:49:05] this is

[1:49:06] just

[1:49:06] craziness.

[1:49:07] Nothing

[1:49:07] about this

[1:49:08] world is

[1:49:08] normal,

[1:49:09] and it's

[1:49:09] impossible

[1:49:10] to find

[1:49:10] purchase

[1:49:11] in it.

[1:49:11] Like,

[1:49:11] you cannot,

[1:49:12] you never

[1:49:12] know whether

[1:49:13] you're coming

[1:49:14] or going.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:14] And so

[1:49:15] much of it

[1:49:16] is stuff

[1:49:16] that happens

[1:49:16] in like

[1:49:17] a fantasy

[1:49:17] world,

[1:49:18] in like

[1:49:19] her fantasy,

[1:49:20] but nothing

[1:49:20] in her life

[1:49:21] seems to

[1:49:22] inform why

[1:49:23] she has

[1:49:23] fantasies that

[1:49:24] are basically

[1:49:25] what like

[1:49:25] a teenage

[1:49:26] boy would

[1:49:26] be into.

[1:49:27] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:27] and the

[1:49:27] real world

[1:49:28] that she's

[1:49:28] in is just

[1:49:29] as stylized

[1:49:30] and strange

[1:49:30] as the

[1:49:31] fantasies

[1:49:32] that she

[1:49:32] goes into.

[1:49:33] Yeah.

[1:49:33] They're just

[1:49:33] less like

[1:49:35] yeah,

[1:49:35] that's a

[1:49:36] good answer

[1:49:36] for that.

[1:49:37] Good answer.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:38] I think

[1:49:38] that there

[1:49:38] are movies

[1:49:39] that are

[1:49:39] unambiguously

[1:49:40] bad,

[1:49:41] bad,

[1:49:42] that are

[1:49:43] kind of

[1:49:43] interesting

[1:49:43] because they

[1:49:44] shine a

[1:49:45] light on

[1:49:46] a particular

[1:49:46] type of

[1:49:47] filmmaking,

[1:49:48] or not

[1:49:48] maybe a

[1:49:49] type of

[1:49:49] filmmaking,

[1:49:50] but like

[1:49:50] an era

[1:49:50] of a

[1:49:51] kind of

[1:49:52] film.

[1:49:53] Like,

[1:49:54] like there

[1:49:54] are wacky

[1:49:56] 60s

[1:49:56] comedies,

[1:49:57] like something

[1:49:58] like Casino

[1:49:59] Royale,

[1:49:59] which is

[1:50:00] deadly

[1:50:00] boring,

[1:50:01] and none

[1:50:02] of the comedy

[1:50:02] works

[1:50:02] whatsoever,

[1:50:03] but I

[1:50:04] find it

[1:50:04] kind of

[1:50:04] fascinating

[1:50:05] because it's

[1:50:05] this snapshot

[1:50:07] of like

[1:50:08] what people

[1:50:10] thought was

[1:50:10] like,

[1:50:11] this is the

[1:50:12] gonzo

[1:50:12] 60s,

[1:50:13] we can

[1:50:13] throw anything

[1:50:14] at the

[1:50:14] wall,

[1:50:15] and then

[1:50:15] it's going

[1:50:15] to be

[1:50:16] funny,

[1:50:16] and like

[1:50:17] it's like

[1:50:18] this like

[1:50:18] weirdly

[1:50:20] like somehow

[1:50:22] combines being

[1:50:23] incredibly slow

[1:50:23] paced with

[1:50:25] being zany

[1:50:26] and wacky

[1:50:26] at the same

[1:50:28] time,

[1:50:28] and I don't

[1:50:28] know how

[1:50:29] like scientifically

[1:50:30] you can do

[1:50:30] that,

[1:50:31] it seems

[1:50:31] like they

[1:50:32] should be,

[1:50:33] those two

[1:50:33] things should

[1:50:34] go together

[1:50:34] and explode,

[1:50:36] uh,

[1:50:36] yep,

[1:50:37] but,

[1:50:38] like oil

[1:50:38] and water,

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:39] that's not

[1:50:41] what happens,

[1:50:42] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[1:50:44] that's not a

[1:50:44] great answer,

[1:50:45] but that's

[1:50:46] something that

[1:50:46] occurred to

[1:50:47] me,

[1:50:47] uh,

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:50] yeah,

[1:50:51] I don't know,

[1:50:51] I feel like

[1:50:52] Sucker Punch

[1:50:52] was a good

[1:50:53] answer,

[1:50:54] and that's

[1:50:54] also a good

[1:50:54] answer,

[1:50:55] and I don't

[1:50:55] have as good

[1:50:55] an answer,

[1:50:57] okay,

[1:50:57] cool,

[1:50:58] well,

[1:50:58] thanks for

[1:50:58] writing,

[1:50:59] so I guess

[1:50:59] I'll,

[1:51:00] Dan,

[1:51:00] what do we do

[1:51:00] next while I

[1:51:01] commit seppuku

[1:51:02] for failing

[1:51:03] to answer

[1:51:03] that question,

[1:51:04] uh,

[1:51:05] next we

[1:51:05] quickly,

Dan McCoy

[1:51:06] oh god,

[1:51:08] all right,

[1:51:08] well I guess,

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:09] at least you've

Dan McCoy

[1:51:12] brought honor to

[1:51:12] your family,

[1:51:14] he's dead now,

[1:51:15] he can't answer,

[1:51:16] um,

[1:51:16] it's me,

[1:51:17] the ghost of

[1:51:18] Elliot,

[1:51:18] thank you,

[1:51:19] I did bring

[1:51:19] honor to

[1:51:20] my family,

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:20] I hope you're

[1:51:21] not a hungry

[1:51:22] ghost,

[1:51:23] please don't,

[1:51:23] no,

[1:51:23] I'm a hungry

[1:51:23] hippo,

[1:51:24] I was

[1:51:24] reincarnated,

[1:51:25] very quickly,

[1:51:27] do you guys

[1:51:27] have any,

[1:51:27] like,

[1:51:28] round,

[1:51:28] white marbles,

[1:51:31] natural,

[1:51:32] the natural,

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:33] the natural diet

[1:51:34] of the hippo

[1:51:34] is white marbles,

[1:51:36] I mean,

[1:51:36] do you eat those

[1:51:37] so that they

[1:51:37] grind up the,

[1:51:38] like,

[1:51:38] grass in your

[1:51:39] belly or anything,

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:40] yeah,

[1:51:41] they're in my

[1:51:41] gizzard,

[1:51:42] you know,

[1:51:43] okay,

Dan McCoy

[1:51:43] what's last

[1:51:45] on the show

[1:51:45] is we very

[1:51:46] quickly,

[1:51:47] uh,

[1:51:48] recommend a

[1:51:49] movie to

[1:51:50] watch that

[1:51:51] is not

[1:51:52] bright,

[1:51:53] something that

[1:51:53] we enjoyed,

[1:51:54] hopefully,

[1:51:55] um,

[1:51:56] Stuart,

[1:51:56] I think you

[1:51:57] had a couple

[1:51:58] of recommendations,

[1:51:59] or maybe you

[1:51:59] won't do both,

[1:52:00] I don't know,

[1:52:01] I can't speak

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:01] to you,

[1:52:01] uh,

[1:52:02] I will recommend

[1:52:03] both because one

[1:52:03] of them I don't

[1:52:04] want to talk

[1:52:04] about too much,

[1:52:05] so,

[1:52:05] uh,

[1:52:06] on the flight

[1:52:06] back from San

[1:52:07] Francisco,

[1:52:07] I watched a

[1:52:08] movie called

[1:52:09] A Dark Song,

[1:52:10] which is a movie

[1:52:11] that I really

[1:52:11] loved,

[1:52:12] it's one of my

[1:52:12] favorites of the

[1:52:13] year,

[1:52:13] um,

[1:52:15] it's,

[1:52:15] uh,

[1:52:16] a movie about

[1:52:17] a,

[1:52:18] it's set in

[1:52:19] England,

[1:52:20] and it's about

[1:52:20] a desperate

[1:52:21] woman who,

[1:52:22] uh,

[1:52:24] who rents

[1:52:25] out this,

[1:52:26] uh,

[1:52:27] this,

[1:52:27] what,

[1:52:28] this,

[1:52:29] uh,

[1:52:29] remote,

[1:52:30] large manor

[1:52:31] house,

[1:52:32] and she

[1:52:33] hires an

[1:52:34] occultist to

[1:52:35] help her

[1:52:36] perform some

[1:52:37] kind of dark

[1:52:37] ritual,

[1:52:38] and her

[1:52:39] motives are

[1:52:41] kind of

[1:52:42] ambiguous,

[1:52:43] um,

[1:52:44] but the

[1:52:46] occultist

[1:52:46] that she

[1:52:47] hires is

[1:52:47] very,

[1:52:48] like,

[1:52:48] blue-collar,

[1:52:49] almost like

[1:52:50] a chav

[1:52:50] who,

[1:52:52] uh,

[1:52:53] approaches

[1:52:54] in a very

[1:52:54] workmanlike

[1:52:55] manner,

[1:52:56] and,

[1:52:57] uh,

[1:52:58] I think

[1:52:58] it's a

[1:52:58] movie that

[1:52:59] does so,

[1:53:00] it's a

[1:53:00] horror movie,

[1:53:01] and it

[1:53:01] does so

[1:53:02] much with

[1:53:02] the location

[1:53:04] and,

[1:53:05] uh,

[1:53:05] the sounds

[1:53:06] and the

[1:53:07] music,

[1:53:07] um,

[1:53:09] and the

[1:53:10] very limited

[1:53:10] amount of

[1:53:11] special effects

[1:53:12] when used

[1:53:12] are great,

[1:53:13] and it

[1:53:14] feels like

[1:53:14] there's some

[1:53:16] surprising things,

[1:53:17] but everything

[1:53:17] in the movie

[1:53:18] feels like

[1:53:18] it's,

[1:53:19] it flows

[1:53:20] naturally

[1:53:20] in the story.

[1:53:21] I think it's

[1:53:21] just really

[1:53:22] beautiful,

[1:53:22] um,

[1:53:23] and in a

[1:53:24] not beautiful

[1:53:25] mode,

[1:53:25] I'm going to

[1:53:25] recommend a,

[1:53:27] have a

[1:53:27] qualified

[1:53:27] recommendation.

[1:53:28] I just

[1:53:29] watched

[1:53:29] Brawl in

[1:53:30] Cellblock

[1:53:31] 99

[1:53:31] from,

[1:53:32] uh,

[1:53:33] Craig Zoller

[1:53:33] who made,

[1:53:34] uh,

[1:53:34] I want to

[1:53:35] see that.

[1:53:35] Craig Zoller

[1:53:36] who made

[1:53:36] Bone Tomahawk,

[1:53:38] uh,

[1:53:38] and it

[1:53:38] is,

[1:53:39] uh,

[1:53:39] it is a,

[1:53:41] another,

[1:53:42] let's say,

[1:53:43] at best,

[1:53:44] uh,

[1:53:44] conservative

[1:53:45] throwback,

[1:53:46] at worst,

[1:53:47] probably thinly

[1:53:48] veiled racist

[1:53:49] story,

[1:53:50] where,

[1:53:51] uh,

[1:53:53] in this

[1:53:53] case,

[1:53:54] Vince Vaughn

[1:53:55] plays a

[1:53:56] massive,

[1:53:57] bald,

[1:53:58] uh,

[1:53:58] tattooed

[1:53:59] drug enforcer,

[1:54:01] or a drug

[1:54:02] dealer who

[1:54:03] gets sent

[1:54:04] to prison

[1:54:04] and is

[1:54:05] coerced

[1:54:05] into,

[1:54:06] uh,

[1:54:07] fighting for

[1:54:07] his life,

[1:54:08] basically.

[1:54:09] And it's

[1:54:10] shot in

[1:54:11] a similar

[1:54:11] style as

[1:54:12] Bone Tomahawk

[1:54:13] in a very,

[1:54:13] like,

[1:54:14] uh,

[1:54:14] no frills,

[1:54:16] uh,

[1:54:16] little score,

[1:54:18] if any,

[1:54:19] like,

[1:54:19] other than

[1:54:19] the occasional

[1:54:20] music.

[1:54:21] Um,

[1:54:22] and the

[1:54:23] fight scenes,

[1:54:25] uh,

[1:54:25] Vince Vaughn

[1:54:26] just kind

[1:54:26] of like,

[1:54:27] kind of like

[1:54:28] Frankenstein

[1:54:29] style lurches

[1:54:30] through.

[1:54:30] And,

[1:54:31] uh,

[1:54:32] as if,

[1:54:33] if you've

[1:54:34] seen Bone

[1:54:34] Tomahawk,

[1:54:35] you'll know

[1:54:35] that the

[1:54:36] violence when

[1:54:36] it happens

[1:54:37] is horrible.

[1:54:39] And the things

[1:54:40] that one body

[1:54:41] does to another

[1:54:42] body just should

[1:54:43] never happen.

[1:54:44] The amount

[1:54:45] of Mario

[1:54:45] brothers stomping

[1:54:47] on heads

[1:54:47] is impressive.

[1:54:50] Uh,

[1:54:50] and it's all,

[1:54:51] so,

[1:54:51] uh,

[1:54:52] and Vince

[1:54:53] Vaughn actually

[1:54:53] gives a pretty

[1:54:54] good performance,

[1:54:55] but it's also

[1:54:55] got,

[1:54:56] you know,

[1:54:56] a great

[1:54:56] performance from

[1:54:57] Don Johnson

[1:54:58] and Udo

[1:54:59] Keir,

[1:54:59] two guys

[1:55:00] who,

[1:55:01] when put

[1:55:01] in a trashy

[1:55:02] movie,

[1:55:02] know how

[1:55:03] to really

[1:55:04] fucking

[1:55:04] yuck it

[1:55:05] up.

[1:55:06] So,

[1:55:06] if you're

[1:55:07] looking for

[1:55:07] something a

[1:55:08] little bit

[1:55:08] gross and,

[1:55:09] uh,

[1:55:10] a little bit

[1:55:11] old-fashioned,

[1:55:11] I'd check out,

[1:55:12] uh,

[1:55:13] Brawl and

[1:55:13] Cellblock

[1:55:14] 99.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:16] Uh,

[1:55:17] the movie

[1:55:17] that I saw

[1:55:18] recently that I

[1:55:19] think I

[1:55:19] enjoyed the

[1:55:21] most was

[1:55:22] I,

[1:55:22] Tonya,

[1:55:23] uh,

[1:55:24] which clearly

[1:55:25] people know.

[1:55:27] It's a sequel

[1:55:27] to I,

[1:55:27] Robot.

[1:55:28] Yeah.

[1:55:29] They made that

[1:55:30] joke on Comedy

[1:55:30] Bang Bang

[1:55:31] already.

[1:55:32] what's that

[1:55:32] Comedy Bang Bang?

[1:55:33] I don't know.

[1:55:34] Should I mail

[1:55:35] them a dollar?

[1:55:36] I apologize.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:37] What do they

[1:55:37] say?

[1:55:37] What's the joke?

Dan McCoy

[1:55:38] Well,

[1:55:38] last year they

[1:55:39] did the song

[1:55:40] Don't Joke

[1:55:41] About,

[1:55:41] Please Don't

[1:55:42] Joke About

[1:55:42] I,

[1:55:42] Robot this

[1:55:43] Christmas.

[1:55:44] Oh,

[1:55:44] okay.

[1:55:44] This year they

[1:55:44] did Please Don't

[1:55:45] Joke About

[1:55:45] I,

[1:55:46] Tonya,

[1:55:46] this Christmas.

[1:55:47] Oh,

[1:55:47] okay.

[1:55:48] That's pretty

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:48] cool.

[1:55:48] I feel like

[1:55:49] that's a

[1:55:49] different chance

[1:55:50] than what I

[1:55:50] made.

[1:55:52] No,

[1:55:52] no one

[1:55:53] quite

[1:55:53] understands it.

[1:55:53] It's the

[1:55:54] prequel to

[1:55:54] I,

[1:55:54] Claudius,

[1:55:55] then.

[1:55:55] There you

[1:55:56] go.

[1:55:57] Sorry,

[1:55:58] County Bang Bang,

[1:55:58] my dollar's

[1:55:59] in the mail.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:00] So,

[1:56:01] I,

[1:56:01] Tonya is

[1:56:01] obviously

[1:56:02] about the

[1:56:02] Tonya

[1:56:03] Harding,

[1:56:04] Nancy

[1:56:04] Kerrigan

[1:56:05] incident.

[1:56:08] Assault,

[1:56:08] I think is

[1:56:09] what you would

[1:56:09] call it.

[1:56:10] Yeah.

[1:56:10] No comment

[1:56:11] is what he

[1:56:11] would say.

[1:56:13] They call

[1:56:13] it the

[1:56:14] incident in

[1:56:14] the movie,

[1:56:15] the people

[1:56:15] who are

[1:56:16] like,

[1:56:16] oh,

[1:56:17] you just

[1:56:17] came here

[1:56:18] to hear

[1:56:18] about the

[1:56:19] incident.

[1:56:20] But,

[1:56:21] it's,

[1:56:22] I give it

[1:56:24] a content

[1:56:24] warning.

[1:56:26] Margot

[1:56:27] Roby as

[1:56:28] Tonya

[1:56:28] Harding gets

[1:56:29] abused a lot

[1:56:31] in the movie,

[1:56:31] both from her

[1:56:32] parents and

[1:56:33] from her

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:33] husband.

[1:56:34] The physical

[1:56:35] abuse in the

[1:56:35] movie is

[1:56:36] introduced very

[1:56:38] suddenly and is

[1:56:39] very intense.

[1:56:40] Yeah.

[1:56:40] And I know

[1:56:41] watching the

[1:56:41] movie,

[1:56:41] I was not

[1:56:42] expecting it

[1:56:43] and it

[1:56:43] really shocked

[1:56:44] me a little

[1:56:45] bit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:46] How's that

[1:56:46] Allison Janney

[1:56:48] though?

[1:56:49] She's great.

[1:56:49] She's awesome.

[1:56:50] She's great.

[1:56:51] The whole cast

[1:56:51] is really good

[1:56:52] in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:53] why she lip

[1:56:54] syncs the

[1:56:54] jackal at one

[1:56:55] point.

[1:56:55] It's weird.

[1:56:56] Is that just

[1:56:56] what she does

[1:56:57] now and

[1:56:57] everything?

[1:56:57] But,

Dan McCoy

[1:56:58] I, Tonya is

[1:57:02] very fast

[1:57:03] moving and

[1:57:04] entertaining and

[1:57:05] it uses a lot

[1:57:06] of stylistic

[1:57:08] techniques that

[1:57:09] in another

[1:57:09] movie might

[1:57:10] irritate me.

[1:57:11] It uses a

[1:57:12] lot of

[1:57:12] needle drops

[1:57:15] on music

[1:57:18] and it uses

[1:57:18] a lot of

[1:57:19] graphics on

[1:57:20] screen and

[1:57:21] it has

[1:57:21] characters

[1:57:22] all sort

[1:57:24] of trading

[1:57:24] narration of

[1:57:25] the story.

[1:57:27] Although,

[1:57:27] that latter

[1:57:28] one in

[1:57:29] this situation

[1:57:30] where there

[1:57:32] is no official

[1:57:32] version that

[1:57:33] anyone can

[1:57:33] prove,

[1:57:35] at least

[1:57:35] just makes

[1:57:36] thematic sense

[1:57:36] that they

[1:57:37] would all be

[1:57:38] narrating their

[1:57:38] own versions of

[1:57:39] what happened.

[1:57:41] But,

[1:57:42] in this movie,

[1:57:44] for whatever

[1:57:44] reason,

[1:57:44] I feel like it

[1:57:45] all works.

[1:57:45] I find it

[1:57:46] extremely

[1:57:46] diverting.

[1:57:49] And,

[1:57:49] I won't say

[1:57:50] too much about

[1:57:51] the plot or

[1:57:51] anything like

[1:57:51] that.

[1:57:52] It's just

[1:57:52] worth watching.

[1:57:53] Keep the

[1:57:54] surprises.

[1:57:55] Yeah.

[1:57:56] And,

[1:57:56] quickly,

[1:57:57] because I

[1:57:57] know people

[1:57:58] like when

[1:57:59] I talk

[1:57:59] about movies

[1:58:00] I saw

[1:58:01] on planes.

[1:58:02] I saw

[1:58:02] Logan Lucky

[1:58:03] when flying

[1:58:04] back home

[1:58:05] for Christmas.

[1:58:06] Steven Soderbergh's

[1:58:08] low-income

[1:58:13] version of

[1:58:14] Ocean's Eleven.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:14] Famed Irish

[1:58:15] filmmaker

[1:58:16] Steven Soda Bread.

[1:58:21] Thanks,

[1:58:21] Mad Magazine.

[1:58:25] They would have

[1:58:26] called him

[1:58:26] Steven Soderbergh.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:28] That's right.

[1:58:31] I don't know.

[1:58:32] I don't really

[1:58:32] have a lot to say

[1:58:33] about that either.

[1:58:33] I just,

[1:58:34] you know,

[1:58:34] watched the movie

[1:58:35] on a plane,

[1:58:35] so I wanted to

[1:58:36] bring it up.

[1:58:37] It's good.

[1:58:37] You'll watch it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:40] recommend a movie

[1:58:40] I didn't see

[1:58:41] on a plane.

[1:58:41] This is a movie

[1:58:41] you guys probably

[1:58:42] have seen already

[1:58:43] and the people

[1:58:43] listening probably

[1:58:44] have seen already,

[1:58:44] but it was new

[1:58:45] to me because I

[1:58:46] got a big stack

[1:58:47] of screeners for

[1:58:47] the Writers Guild

[1:58:48] Awards.

[1:58:49] Oh,

[1:58:49] good stuff.

[1:58:50] But I finally

[1:58:51] got to see a movie

[1:58:52] called Dunkirk

[1:58:53] that I wanted to see

[1:58:54] and I missed

[1:58:55] in the theaters

[1:58:55] and I really

[1:58:57] loved it.

[1:58:58] I thought it's

[1:58:59] shot beautifully

[1:59:00] and the story

[1:59:01] it tells is both

[1:59:02] very spare

[1:59:02] and very

[1:59:03] complicated

[1:59:04] and it gives

[1:59:06] you a real

[1:59:07] sense of

[1:59:08] the importance

[1:59:09] and the emotion

[1:59:11] around the

[1:59:11] Dunkirk

[1:59:12] evacuation

[1:59:13] without having

[1:59:15] scenes of

[1:59:15] men pointing

[1:59:17] pointers at

[1:59:17] maps and

[1:59:18] being like

[1:59:18] we're here

[1:59:19] France is

[1:59:20] there

[1:59:21] we need

[1:59:21] to get

[1:59:22] our boats

[1:59:22] from blah

[1:59:22] blah

[1:59:22] there's

[1:59:23] like

[1:59:23] very

[1:59:23] little

[1:59:24] of

[1:59:24] the

[1:59:25] movie

[1:59:25] explaining

[1:59:25] itself

[1:59:26] to you

[1:59:26] and I

[1:59:28] watched it

[1:59:29] the night

[1:59:29] after I

[1:59:29] watched the

[1:59:30] post

[1:59:30] and the

[1:59:31] post is

[1:59:31] all characters

[1:59:32] explaining

[1:59:32] what they're

[1:59:33] doing and

[1:59:34] what the

[1:59:34] historical

[1:59:34] significance

[1:59:35] is.

[1:59:36] In the

[1:59:36] beginning

[1:59:36] of Dunkirk

[1:59:37] you're

[1:59:37] introduced

[1:59:37] to a

[1:59:38] character

[1:59:38] who has

[1:59:38] not

[1:59:39] spoken

[1:59:39] any

[1:59:39] dialogue

[1:59:39] yet

[1:59:40] you

[1:59:40] don't

[1:59:40] know

[1:59:40] anything

[1:59:40] about

[1:59:40] him

[1:59:41] and

[1:59:41] yet

[1:59:41] instantly

[1:59:42] I

[1:59:42] was

[1:59:42] so

[1:59:43] much

[1:59:43] more

[1:59:43] invested

[1:59:43] in

[1:59:44] his

[1:59:44] life

[1:59:44] than

[1:59:45] in

[1:59:45] anything

[1:59:45] in

[1:59:46] the

[1:59:46] entire

[1:59:46] movie

[1:59:46] I

[1:59:47] just

[1:59:47] watched

[1:59:47] the night

[1:59:47] before

[1:59:48] so I'm

[1:59:49] going to

[1:59:49] tell you

[1:59:49] Christopher Nolan

[1:59:50] does it

[1:59:50] again

[1:59:51] one caveat

[1:59:52] if you're

[1:59:52] like me

[1:59:53] all these

[1:59:54] kind of

[1:59:55] generally in

[1:59:56] their early

[1:59:56] 20s to

[1:59:57] early 30s

[1:59:58] Englishmen

[1:59:58] with dark

[1:59:59] hair

[1:59:59] kind of

[2:00:00] look the

[2:00:00] same

[2:00:00] after a

[2:00:01] while

[2:00:01] so there

[2:00:01] were

[2:00:02] definitely

[2:00:02] parts

[2:00:02] where I

[2:00:02] was

[2:00:02] like

[2:00:02] which

[2:00:03] guy

[2:00:03] is

[2:00:03] this

[2:00:03] again

[2:00:04] he's

[2:00:04] over

[2:00:05] there

[2:00:05] now

[2:00:05] I

[2:00:05] think

[2:00:06] that was

Dan McCoy

[2:00:06] a common

[2:00:06] problem

[2:00:07] that people

[2:00:07] had with

[2:00:07] the movie

[2:00:08] but yeah

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:08] but I

[2:00:10] really liked

[2:00:11] it a lot

[2:00:11] and in case

[2:00:12] you're like

[2:00:13] oh another

[2:00:13] epic

[2:00:14] over long

[2:00:15] it's like

[2:00:15] an hour

[2:00:16] and 40

[2:00:16] minutes

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:16] long

[2:00:16] it's

[2:00:17] the shortest

[2:00:17] movie

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:18] shorter than

[2:00:19] memento

[2:00:19] and it's

[2:00:20] beautiful

[2:00:20] he shoots

[2:00:21] things in

[2:00:21] it

[2:00:21] in a way

[2:00:22] that

[2:00:23] oh no

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:24] I think

[2:00:25] that's what

[2:00:25] it says

[2:00:26] on the

[2:00:26] DVD case

[2:00:26] for Dunkirk

[2:00:27] shorter

[2:00:28] than

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:31] at times

[2:00:32] reminded me

[2:00:32] of like

[2:00:33] not exactly

[2:00:34] identical

[2:00:34] but the way

[2:00:35] that like

[2:00:35] Powell and

[2:00:35] Pressburger

[2:00:36] movies look

[2:00:36] where it's

[2:00:37] like

[2:00:37] the color

[2:00:38] is gorgeous

[2:00:38] and it's

[2:00:39] kind of

[2:00:39] hyper real

[2:00:40] but it's

[2:00:40] not super

[2:00:41] stylized

[2:00:41] and just

[2:00:42] the way

[2:00:43] objects

[2:00:43] look

[2:00:44] a kind

[2:00:45] of stoic

[2:00:45] underplayed

[2:00:46] Britishness

[2:00:46] to the whole

[2:00:47] thing

[2:00:47] that really

[2:00:47] works

[2:00:48] so Dunkirk

[2:00:48] I liked

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:49] it a lot

[2:00:50] flying back

[2:00:51] from San

[2:00:51] Francisco

[2:00:52] I kept

[2:00:53] looking over

[2:00:54] people's

[2:00:54] seat backs

[2:00:55] and seeing

[2:00:55] people watching

[2:00:56] Dunkirk

[2:00:57] on the plane

[2:00:57] and just

[2:00:58] thinking how

[2:00:58] mad

[2:00:59] Christopher

[2:00:59] Nolan

[2:01:00] would be

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:00] I didn't

[2:01:02] shoot that

[2:01:02] on film

[2:01:03] with practical

[2:01:04] effects

[2:01:05] so you

[2:01:05] could watch

[2:01:06] it in your

[2:01:06] aeroplane

[2:01:07] but I mean

[2:01:08] see it on the

[2:01:09] biggest TV

[2:01:10] that you can

[2:01:10] see it on

[2:01:11] because it

[2:01:11] was one of

[2:01:13] the few

[2:01:13] movies that

[2:01:14] I've seen

[2:01:14] recently on

[2:01:15] a big screen

[2:01:15] TV and it

[2:01:16] really helped

[2:01:17] these big

[2:01:18] fields of

[2:01:18] blue

[2:01:19] they're really

[2:01:19] gorgeous

Dan McCoy

[2:01:20] well guys

[2:01:21] I'm sad

[2:01:23] we've been

[2:01:23] spoiled recently

[2:01:24] we've gotten

[2:01:25] to see a lot

[2:01:25] of each other

[2:01:26] in person

[2:01:27] yeah we

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:27] walked in

[2:01:28] each other

[2:01:28] naked

[2:01:29] that one

[2:01:29] time

[2:01:29] and we

[2:01:30] saw

[2:01:31] it was too

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:33] late

[2:01:34] it was like

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:36] an X-Men

[2:01:37] comic we

[2:01:37] were covered

[2:01:38] up by

[2:01:38] little bits

[2:01:39] of steam

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:39] and occasional

[2:01:40] word balloons

[2:01:41] but yeah we're not

[2:01:43] going to be together

[2:01:43] in the same room

[2:01:44] for a little

[2:01:44] while which is

[2:01:45] too bad

Dan McCoy

[2:01:46] but hey

[2:01:49] big reason

[2:01:50] that we got

[2:01:50] to keep

[2:01:51] touring guys

[2:01:51] that's why

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:52] we chose

[2:01:52] when our

[2:01:54] father was

[2:01:54] exiled

[2:01:55] by the

[2:01:55] Shogun

[2:01:56] we had

[2:01:56] to choose

[2:01:57] either

[2:01:57] the

[2:01:58] ball

[2:01:59] or the

[2:02:00] microphone

[2:02:00] and we

[2:02:01] chose to

[2:02:02] walk the

[2:02:02] demons road

[2:02:03] and chose

[2:02:03] the microphone

Dan McCoy

[2:02:04] I don't

[2:02:05] know what

[2:02:06] you're saying

[2:02:06] but that

[2:02:06] seems like

[2:02:07] it's right

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:07] yeah yeah

[2:02:08] accurate

[2:02:09] it

[2:02:09] you were

[2:02:09] there but

[2:02:10] you were

[2:02:10] kind of

[2:02:10] sleepy

[2:02:10] so you don't

[2:02:12] remember it

Dan McCoy

[2:02:13] alright well

[2:02:14] it's very late

[2:02:15] where we are

[2:02:15] so we should

[2:02:15] just sign off

[2:02:16] for the

[2:02:17] Flophouse

[2:02:17] I've been

[2:02:18] Dan McCoy

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:19] hey guys

[2:02:20] I'm Stuart

[2:02:21] Wellington

[2:02:21] forever and

[2:02:22] always

[2:02:22] now and

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:25] forever

[2:02:25] I'm Elliot

[2:02:26] Kaelin at

[2:02:27] the Winter

[2:02:27] Garden

[2:02:27] now and

[2:02:29] forever

[2:02:30] all telecharge

[2:02:31] now

[2:02:31] alright

Dan McCoy

[2:02:40] okay the

[2:02:42] first thing we

[2:02:42] do is the

[2:02:43] intro

[2:02:43] so I'll

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:45] do that

[2:02:45] yeah yeah

[2:02:46] that sounds

[2:02:46] right

[2:02:47] okay man

[2:02:51] take your

[2:02:52] word for it

[2:02:52] I'll

[2:02:52] pull

[2:02:53] okay I'll

[2:02:53] bye

[2:02:53] I haven't

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:56] missed a

[2:02:56] step

[2:02:57] sounds just

Dan McCoy

[2:03:00] crazy enough

[2:03:01] to work

[2:03:01] um

[2:03:03] yeah I'll

[2:03:05] do it now

[2:03:05] maximumfun.org

[2:03:14] comedy and

[2:03:14] culture

[2:03:15] artist owned

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[2:03:16] listener

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Ep.#247 - Bright

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