Ep.# 249 - The Great Wall LIVE

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss the Great Wall at the Philly Podfest in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:44] Woo! Woo!

[0:46] Dan, why does it sound like there's so many more people here in your apartment?

[0:50] How many times are you going to make that joke?

[0:53] Until it works.

[0:56] Well, we're recording as part of the Philly Podcast Festival. Thank you for having us, Philadelphia.

[1:01] Yeah!

[1:07] Your town is as warm as your cheesesteaks.

[1:12] Eh? That's a weird way to put it.

[1:15] Why don't we back that one up and give it another shot?

[1:20] Thanks?

[1:22] Thanks for coming out on a Sunday night when Game of Thrones is on.

[1:26] It's the season premiere of Game of Thrones. That's right, everybody's favorite show about the toilet.

[1:33] A little game I like to play called Am I Gonna Make It on Time.

[1:36] You know, folks, it's funny. Who here is from out of town, huh?

[1:41] I'm going to do my type 5 on toilets.

[1:44] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[1:46] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:49] That sounds like fun. Let's do that.

[1:51] Okay. Well, we're going to watch it right now.

[1:53] Start up the DVD player.

[1:55] Okay.

[1:56] And we should start up the DVD player and talk about a different movie than the one we talked about tonight.

[2:01] I know I put a call out on the social media plats.

[2:05] Was it one of those Oliver Platt?

[2:08] Yeah. Asking for recommendations for a movie we should watch.

[2:12] And I delivered them all to Dan.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:15] And he just put them in the garbage in front of me.

[2:19] And I said, but Mannequin.

[2:21] And Dan says, I love Mannequin.

[2:25] In retrospect, we probably should have watched Mannequin.

[2:29] We should have watched Mannequin.

[2:31] Sorry, Philadelphia.

[2:33] I know you manheads were all waiting to get here.

[2:36] It comes to those manheads, Kinos.

[2:38] I would be so afraid of making fun of such a beloved Philadelphia movie.

[2:43] I would feel like all the locals would.

[2:45] All the movies set in Philadelphia.

[2:47] I'd have to say Mannequin is probably 27th most beloved.

[2:51] Wait.

[2:53] Are we going to make fun of the movie we watch tonight?

[2:55] Because I don't think I'm going to.

[2:57] Oh, that's a spoiler.

[2:59] Yeah, spoiler alert.

[3:01] Okay, so what did we watch tonight?

[3:03] We watched a movie called The Great Wall starring Matt Damon.

[3:06] That's right.

[3:07] Son of the mailer Damon.

[3:10] Matt is a little animal that follows children around

[3:13] until it's stolen from them for the valuable dust inside.

[3:17] What?

[3:21] That's a Golden Compass reference, Dan.

[3:27] Read a book sometime, and that book better be the Golden Compass.

[3:30] Because if you read a different book, it won't be that helpful.

[3:33] And that book better be a didactic implication of Christianity.

[3:38] It's a touching story about the maturity of children, Dan.

[3:42] And?

[3:44] And it's a rip-snorting adventure.

[3:46] There's bears that wear armor in it, right?

[3:48] The what?

[3:49] Aren't there bears that wear armor in that?

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:52] Just like in real life.

[3:53] Yeah.

[3:54] Dan, I want to look where you live.

[3:56] Anyway, they're called Panzerborn.

[3:58] Anyway, continue.

[3:59] The Great Wall.

[4:00] Now, The Great Wall is a movie that holds an interesting place in cinema history

[4:04] that I think people are going to look back on

[4:06] because it was very much an attempt for a Chinese film to make it in the world market.

[4:13] Where the world market is right now, you need a big American actor to do it.

[4:17] And it doesn't come more big American than Matt Damon.

[4:20] Let me tell you, they went goodwill hunting for a star

[4:25] who could help them to born-ultimatum this movie.

[4:31] But unfortunately, what they found was just a bunch of mallrats.

[4:37] Was he in that or was that Ben Affleck?

[4:39] No, he was not in that one.

[4:40] Okay.

[4:41] Well, was he in Bounce?

[4:42] He was in Dogma.

[4:44] Okay, there you go.

[4:45] What they found was a bunch of dogma.

[4:48] Well, that doesn't make sense.

[4:49] Mallrats sounds better.

[4:50] It makes more sense than mallrats.

[4:53] Would you want to find a bunch of mallrats just scurrying around in your movie?

[4:57] No.

[4:59] Point taken, I guess.

[5:00] Thank you.

[5:02] The Great Wall is a true story, I believe,

[5:05] about how China's Great Wall was constructed to stop monsters.

[5:09] But we'll get into it.

[5:10] But the movie opens with the text crawl where they say,

[5:14] there's all these legends about it being made.

[5:17] This is one of them.

[5:18] And then we zoom into, we're in outer space, and we zoom into the earth,

[5:22] and we see the Great Wall of China from space,

[5:24] which is, of course, a fallacy.

[5:25] You cannot see it from space.

[5:27] I'm just going to put my foot down right now.

[5:29] People have been saying that.

[5:30] But when they zoom into it, it's a super CGI wall.

[5:33] They didn't even bother to shoot the real Great Wall.

[5:35] I don't think they were allowed to.

[5:37] Why wouldn't they?

[5:38] Tourists are taking pictures of it all the time.

[5:40] Fly a helicopter around there and just get a bunch of shots.

[5:42] Yeah, but they get, like, monster blood all over it.

[5:45] Yeah.

[5:46] Why don't they tell them to shoot the action scenes there?

[5:48] And they insisted that Willem Dafoe was in the movie,

[5:50] and they're like, we can't allow him on our property.

[5:53] That's true.

[5:54] I forgot.

[5:55] He was allowed in China for various reasons.

[5:58] So I guess he's just a castaway, much like his ancestor.

[6:02] His namesake, yeah.

[6:04] His ancestor, Johnny Dafoe.

[6:08] What a weird place to go with that joke.

[6:11] How many other people are there named Dafoe?

[6:14] Is there a Johnny Dafoe?

[6:15] No, it's a made-up thing.

[6:17] All right.

[6:18] It was a failed joke, Dan.

[6:19] All right.

[6:20] Daniel Dafoe.

[6:21] You want me to commit seppuku?

[6:22] Because that's a Japanese thing, not a Chinese thing.

[6:24] You're a racist.

[6:25] All right.

[6:26] Okay.

[6:27] Audience is back on my side.

[6:28] Okay.

[6:29] I did it.

[6:30] Yeah, beat up on Dan, and you'll get the audience back on your side.

[6:34] Yeah.

[6:35] Anyway, let's start the movie, shall we?

[6:37] Because the movie's starting,

[6:39] and it's a thrill ride that we're just going to have to hold on to

[6:41] until we let go and get bored.

[6:44] Now, there's horsemen in the desert fighting.

[6:47] Bearded Matt Damon, who is his accent supposed to be Irish?

[6:50] I don't know, but I kind of liked it.

[6:53] You know, my relationship with Matt Damon is a complicated one,

[6:57] but I'll never forget turning on my DVD player

[7:01] and hearing him sing the song of the summer,

[7:04] Scotty Doesn't Know, in the movie Euro Trip.

[7:07] Yeah, yeah, people love me now.

[7:11] Yeah, yeah, Stuart's the favorite.

[7:13] Matt Damon has an accent in this that I didn't even realize was supposed to be Irish

[7:17] until Dan told me he was offended by this Irish accent.

[7:20] What?

[7:21] It sounds to me like a mix between Canadian and stereotypical Native American,

[7:25] because Matt Damon's like,

[7:27] we're going to go into China and we're going to find this black powder.

[7:32] We'll carry enough black powder back to make our way in Europe.

[7:37] Okay, everyone.

[7:38] And I was like, where is he supposed to be from?

[7:41] They don't stop talking about black powder in this movie.

[7:44] It's crazy.

[7:46] I love it.

[7:47] It's like, I don't know, I guess pop rocks were a new thing at the time.

[7:50] Yeah, yeah.

[7:51] Everyone still thought that the Mikey Likes It kid killed himself with them?

[7:55] That didn't happen.

[7:56] He became a successful audio recording engineer.

[7:58] I thought he killed himself in Vietnam.

[8:00] Killed himself in Vietnam?

[8:02] Yeah, that's right.

[8:03] He went over there and he's like, I can't take it.

[8:05] I can't take the things I've seen.

[8:08] This is the last.

[8:09] This is the friendliest fire, killing yourself.

[8:11] Boo.

[8:13] Boo.

[8:15] Oh, Dan.

[8:16] Oh.

[8:17] Oh.

[8:18] Talk about Euro trip.

[8:20] I just figured.

[8:21] These people didn't come to hear that.

[8:23] Anyway.

[8:24] I just figured I'd take a heel turn.

[8:28] So bearded Matt Damon is with his sidekick, Pero, which is, I only know that name because I looked it up,

[8:34] because I couldn't figure out what his name was and I just kept calling him in my notes Matt Damon's friend.

[8:39] And Game of Thrones crossover, he's played by Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones.

[8:44] Oh, okay.

[8:45] Anyway, they narrowly escape the bandits with a clever ruse in which they send some horses in a different direction

[8:50] and the bandits chase those.

[8:52] But they're Westerners.

[8:53] It's the Middle Ages.

[8:54] They're looking for this legend of this black powder.

[8:56] We know it as gunpowder.

[8:57] They don't even know what guns are, so they just call it black powder.

[9:00] And they want to find it so they can come back and make a mint.

[9:05] Now, Matt Damon also carries around a big lump of magnetic rock because he thinks he can make a compass out of it.

[9:10] And in this he reminds me like one of my friends in high school.

[9:15] He and his dad bought an old DeSoto, and they're like, we're going to fix this up someday.

[9:19] And it just sat in their driveway for years untouched.

[9:23] And I imagine Matt Damon's been carrying this rock around for years.

[9:26] He's like, no, no, no, don't throw that away.

[9:27] I'm going to make it a compass.

[9:29] And his friend is like, Matt, you've been saying for four years you're going to make this into a compass.

[9:34] Like give it up.

[9:35] Buy a compass.

[9:37] That's one of the many things mentioned in the goofs section of this movie's IMDb page is one of the many like mistakes.

[9:50] And they say like some fellow I'm sure is saying like magnets and compasses were already common in China.

[9:58] Nobody would care.

[9:59] I don't know.

[10:00] why they don't have more magnet rocks good point I mean someone someone really

[10:06] down the historical took down the historical accuracy of this movie where

[10:09] the Great Wall is built to keep demon monsters out glad they did it anyway

[10:15] they're camping out one night and I'm monster attacks them in the dark and we

[10:19] don't get much of a sense of it except that Matt Damon manages to chop off one

[10:23] of its arms and he's like whoa what I'm gonna take this with me I'm taking this

[10:29] arm I'll turn it into a compass someday this will make a rad back scratcher I

[10:34] just gotta like I guess stiffen it up with lacquer or something and straighten

[10:37] it out oh I'll get to it guys and his friend throws it on the wagon full of

[10:41] junk he's been pulling well with him for hundreds of miles anyway it's not the

[10:45] most well staged attack I would say it was kind of hard for me to understand

[10:49] what was going on I think it was tired from killing his buddies it killed a

[10:53] couple buddies first and just left like blood yeah so it was probably pretty

[10:58] beat when it ran by Matt Damon and let its arm get chopped off there was a

[11:03] there's a there's something about it where you know the moment in Star Wars

[11:06] I'm just gazing into your eyes sir I just got lost I get it yeah Dan was

[11:11] suddenly just lost in time and space you know the moment in Star Wars where

[11:15] tragically Ponda Baba gets his arm cut off by that terrorist Obi-Wan Kenobi and

[11:21] it's like super fast whoa and an arm falls and you're like what just happened

[11:25] this is kind of like that except you're like wait what like what just happened

[11:29] whose arm is that why I don't understand but you're gonna find out don't worry

[11:34] because they soon reach the Great Wall which is covered with like archers and

[11:38] armor and Matt Damon and his sidekick surrender and the soldier runs

[11:43] through the ranks calling for a lady commander commander Lynn who's played by

[11:48] Jing Tian from Kong Skull Island and I learned this while doing my research for

[11:53] the movie that uh for this movie and a couple others she won the Golden Broom

[11:58] Award which is the Chinese version of the Razzie and I found it like super

[12:03] cool that they hate brooms in China yeah they throw brooms at you if you do a bad

[12:08] job on stage I just love the idea that the Chinese have their own version of

[12:13] the Razzie that makes me I'm not happy for some reason I thought you throw

[12:17] raspberries at people you please throw delicious raspberries at me if you're

[12:24] you're unhappy with the flop out show tonight I would be oh no I'd eat them up

[12:28] you don't know what you're gonna work out the way you want it to do I know in

[12:32] your mind you're just catching raspberries in your mouth just going mom

[12:34] mom no more like none none none as none of those raspberries land in your mouth

[12:39] and they get on your pants and it looks like you're peeing blood or like you

[12:45] chopped the arm off a monster anyway there's a bunch of scenes in this movie

[12:50] of the this special Chinese army called the nameless order which guards the wall

[12:55] and protects it from monsters just getting into position this movie loves

[13:00] seeing soldiers and armor getting into position and just marching along and

[13:04] clattering color-coded armor and the first time this happened I was like this

[13:07] is awesome there's blue armor soldiers there's like green armor soldiers red

[13:11] armor soldiers it's like medieval Power Rangers except there's thousands of them

[13:16] I love that this like movie like literally makes you a child again you're

[13:20] like colors I like that and I like that all the armored characters really never

[13:26] take their armor off there's even a shot where this guy is like cooking in the

[13:30] kitchen with his armor with an apron over it and he like takes it off there's

[13:36] like I wish there was a scene where someone is like in the bath in their

[13:39] armor or I don't even know like he's putting a pair of pants on over like

[13:43] pajamas over his armor alas no anyway Matt Damon shows up with his buddy they

[13:51] show them the claw and the the nameless order is like we expected these monsters

[13:56] but not so soon oh no this is nine days early Amazon Prime lied to us about when

[14:01] these monsters were gonna show up and we're not ready the rec rooms not ready

[14:06] for these monsters to stay in and commander Lynn the lady commander and I

[14:11] only say that because there's this one cadre of lady soldiers in it in the

[14:14] rest of all dudes and the lady soldiers are of course the best of them and

[14:18] they're kind of like hoop bungee jump based spear yeah yeah it's like you're

[14:22] fishing fishing for monsters with these warriors I don't know I don't know if

[14:26] either of these explanations makes it clear with these people there are so

[14:30] for ladies who put harnesses on who jump off the wall with spears and they bungee

[14:35] into these monsters and spear the monsters it's like if Cirque de Soleil

[14:39] did an all-lady Moby Dick and instead of a whale it was monsters yeah like that's

[14:44] how does it get how does it how gonna be clearer than that and though they're

[14:48] fairly successful they're not always successful because there's a lot of

[14:51] shots of monsters like ripping ripping them in half and then there's one shot

[14:55] of a guy like lazily just tossing their harnesses into a big bloody pile well I

[15:01] prefer to think it was like they retired their harness like an NBA players jersey

[15:05] and the Raptors we'll just keep this here to remember my clink but anyway no

[15:11] sooner has a has Matt Damon delivered this claw then commander Lynn says I

[15:17] don't trust them throw them in the stocks and mean and that's when the

[15:21] war drums start beating and they bring out these enormous like steampunk seat

[15:24] anti-siege engines and like incredible it's just so elaborate when they show

[15:29] them preparing for battle like half the movie is just like battle prep they

[15:33] should have called this movie battle prep movie sequel to Battletoads the

[15:39] movie and and this is when I felt really bad because so there's strategist

[15:43] strategist Wang who's played by Andy Lau who I love I didn't even recognize that

[15:47] it was him I think cuz he was wearing a hat the whole time and I didn't I

[15:50] couldn't see his hair so I didn't know it was and he played the same role that

[15:54] Matt Damon played in Infernal Affairs and you know the one that Matt Damon was

[15:59] in it was based on it applauded yeah thank you but that's weird they're all

[16:04] in bad they both played the same character in there in the same movie do

[16:07] you think they talked about it I imagine when they first made each other they

[16:09] looked at each other and then one went like this and put his hand up and the

[16:12] other goes hand up and then they did the whole mirror routine and then when they

[16:16] touched each other they turned into a blob like at the end of time cop yeah

[16:20] when the two Ron Silvers touch each other somewhat affectionately and turn

[16:24] into a blob I've never seen the end of time cop to the two Ron Silvers make out

[16:28] with each other no I mean it depends on your definition of making out now I'm

[16:34] turning into a CGI blob and then disappearing so I've got my idea for my

[16:38] time cop web fiction I guarantee you that time cop story must exist already

[16:47] we're Ron silver meets Ron silver and they're like Oh Ron silver you're so

[16:52] attractive and we both have this scar that you got in the earlier scene

[16:58] I was too specific about my knowledge of time cop there oh they're blue steel

[17:03] anyway Matt Damon and his buddy they marvel at how incredible this army is

[17:07] and a lot of the movie is these two Westerners being like China's really

[17:11] great China's look at how great these Chinese people are which is like not a

[17:14] bad thing I don't know whatever but uh it turns out what they're doing but

[17:17] there are times when it's like this times when the message of the movie is a

[17:21] little overt about you know we've really got a lot we can learn about from these

[17:26] Chinese guys and like I'm sure we can but come on we should work together and

[17:30] make more movies yeah a lot to learn about killing monsters yeah these

[17:34] Chinese people there is there is a little bit where it's I almost wish

[17:36] they'd had Matt Damon go like hey if these guys ever get movie-making

[17:41] technology I want to see it and I'll read subtitles you know what even though

[17:46] I'm a Westerner I want to watch these movies I hope they make more tentpole

[17:50] temple summer mainstream action films and his friend is like what are you

[17:54] talking about but it sounds amazing anyway here's what they're defending

[17:59] against because here's when the monsters show up they're like the demon dogs from

[18:04] Ghostbusters if if their eyes were on their shoulders strange placement but go

[18:09] on it's very it's very Wayne Barlow in terms of its design for anyone who's

[18:13] familiar with fantasy and science fiction artist Wayne Barlow and there's

[18:16] a lot of them there's there's like it's one things where they're like there's

[18:19] probably 50,000 of these monsters and you're like where are these monsters

[18:24] hanging out in between attacks because what you learn is that every 60 years

[18:28] these monsters show up it's like so these monsters just kicking back

[18:32] somewhere like having like a Sturgis rally for 60 years somewhere in the

[18:37] Mongolian plains Dan explain there's a monster convention that they go to where

[18:45] all the monsters get together and they talk about monster stuff like all

[18:48] monsters are just that kind of knows all monsters and it lasts well there's they

[18:54] talk about clawing they talk about biting mashing etc and gnashing of teeth

[18:59] yeah and then it's like outcome the weapons flaming catapult bombs you got

[19:04] your bungee attack lady spear fighters that we talked about and turns out the

[19:07] soldier monsters who are all men their drones are controlled by a big Queen

[19:11] monster which basically looks like a brood it's just at this point they're

[19:15] like let's just take a brood and we'll just give it like a frill like the

[19:18] Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park would mash them up who cares and she told

[19:23] lazily ripping off and they now with these monsters there's so many of them I

[19:29] would expect them to be like super easy to kill but they're kind of tough it

[19:33] kind of depends on unless you got a magnet rock in which case they are

[19:37] immediately docile because she the Queen communicates with them with her

[19:41] vibrating forehead flap and they find out that this magnet it interrupts the

[19:47] vibration waves that she uses to communicate with them and again she

[19:50] communicates by vibrating a flap on her head making sound this communication can

[19:54] go over thousands of miles it seems like hundreds of it's crazy it's basically

[19:58] telepathy but anyway

[20:00] A monster gets on the wall.

[20:02] Matt Damon kills it and saves a Chinese soldier,

[20:04] who I learned after looking it up,

[20:05] the guy, everyone in this is a big star in China.

[20:08] This guy who plays like a cowardly Chinese soldier

[20:10] who becomes a hero and learns his courage

[20:12] and eventually sacrifices himself, sadly,

[20:14] to save everybody else.

[20:15] According to Forbes last year,

[20:17] he was the 37th highest earning celebrity in China,

[20:20] which is pretty big.

[20:22] That's pretty high up there.

[20:24] In terms of celebrities in Dan, in America, Dan,

[20:26] where are you on that list?

[20:27] In terms of celebrities in Dan, I'm number one.

[20:29] Highest earning celebrities in Dan.

[20:33] What would you say in America?

[20:34] Your number like, what?

[20:37] Celebrity?

[20:38] Yeah.

[20:38] Yeah, I'm like a million, two million and three, maybe?

[20:43] Exactly, okay.

[20:44] So this guy's way more famous than you.

[20:45] He's playing the role that if this was another movie,

[20:48] DJ Qualls would be playing this character.

[20:50] Yes, exactly, thank you.

[20:53] America's 37th most popular celebrity, DJ Qualls.

[20:58] I'm just trying to put it into perspective for you guys.

[20:59] Not most popular, 37th highest earning.

[21:01] DJ Qualls has had a number of insanely strong investments.

[21:05] Yeah, and he's got a side DJ business

[21:07] that he makes a lot of money off of.

[21:09] Huge, all those ASCAP fees, yeah.

[21:12] Anyway, the Westerners,

[21:13] they turn out to be pretty good at demon fighting,

[21:15] because of course, it's Matt Damon.

[21:16] Matt Damon, big demon, maybe they know each other.

[21:21] And Willem Dafoe is watching from the shadows

[21:23] as I assume he does everything.

[21:25] Oh, yeah, he's playing a creep, weird.

[21:29] And he's playing a creepy Westerner

[21:30] who's been there for years.

[21:31] They won't let him leave, but he really wants to leave.

[21:33] But his first thing he tells them is,

[21:35] hey, bathe and shave, you guys got a BNS.

[21:38] And so they lose their beards.

[21:39] Matt Damon is now the cutie smooth face that we know him as.

[21:43] Matt Damon proves he's a super cool archer

[21:46] with a trick he pulls off with a bowl.

[21:48] Yeah, he's like a barred bowman.

[21:49] I literally put, he goes, I'm unbeatable with my bow.

[21:55] And I literally wrote in my notes, archery skills contest.

[21:58] I was excited.

[21:59] Nope, too soon.

[22:00] Matt Damon does one CGI enhanced trick

[22:03] and the archery section is over.

[22:06] Everyone else is like, they're all eating in the mess hall.

[22:08] The other guys are like, that's pretty cool.

[22:10] Back to our grub.

[22:13] Very disappointing.

[22:14] Anyway, and the movie's trying for like a witty

[22:17] kind of Raiders type thing with a lot of them,

[22:18] but it's a little leaden, I felt like.

[22:20] We'll get to that later.

[22:22] The Commander and Damon, they share backstories.

[22:25] He was a mercenary boy.

[22:26] He's had to fight for his whole life for bad things.

[22:27] So now he doesn't trust anybody.

[22:29] And she's like, this whole nameless order

[22:31] is based on trust.

[22:32] We gotta trust each other.

[22:33] And if we don't trust each other, who are we gonna trust?

[22:36] Dan?

[22:37] Ghostbusters?

[22:38] What's that?

[22:40] As long as, well, ghost trusters.

[22:43] Yeah.

[22:44] No, this, I guess it'd be just people

[22:47] who tell their secrets to ghosts.

[22:48] The subtitles.

[22:49] Now don't tell anybody, Gozer, that I'm still a virgin.

[22:55] And Gozer the Gozerian is like,

[22:56] your secret is safe with me.

[22:59] Let me just lock it behind this door.

[23:01] Slimer, I've got a crush on Brian.

[23:04] Don't tell him though, okay?

[23:06] My mouth's gonna be too full of hot dogs

[23:07] to tell anybody anything.

[23:08] I'm Slimer.

[23:10] Dan?

[23:11] No, I was just gonna say, I can't follow that,

[23:14] but I was gonna say that the subtext of the movie

[23:16] is spelled out that obviously.

[23:18] Like, it is like, hey, you gotta trust someone.

[23:20] No, I can't trust anyone.

[23:21] But you gotta trust someone.

[23:22] No, I can't trust anybody.

[23:24] I'm gonna go over here and not trust people.

[23:26] All right, well, you'll just be over there

[23:27] not trusting someone.

[23:27] Yes, thank you.

[23:28] I trust people though.

[23:29] There was less talk about trusting people

[23:32] in the movie, The Trust.

[23:33] Yeah.

[23:35] Anyway, Willem Dafoe says like, let's escape.

[23:38] I know where the black powder is.

[23:40] When the monsters attack, we'll just skedaddle out of here.

[23:43] We'll just blow a hole in the wall and get out of here.

[23:45] The tactician Wang is like,

[23:47] your magnet rock can help us.

[23:48] Strategist Wang.

[23:49] Strategist Wang.

[23:50] And he says, a meteor fell from the earth.

[23:52] Now it's a meteorite.

[23:53] I know, sorry, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[23:54] I know the difference between meteor and meteorite.

[23:56] And these monstroses came out,

[23:59] and every 60 years, monstroses are attacking us.

[24:02] Time for another fight.

[24:03] It's another battle.

[24:04] Some monsters get on the wall.

[24:06] There's a big phalanx.

[24:07] Is that the one where they shoot the monsters

[24:09] with whistle arrows so he knows where they're coming from?

[24:12] That's a little later, but to get there,

[24:14] we just have to skip past a funeral for a character

[24:16] that, frankly, I couldn't remember who he was.

[24:19] Oh, right.

[24:19] And there's a lot of drums and voices

[24:21] and flaming hot air balloons that go up in the air.

[24:24] And the music is kind of like a Chinese Peter Gabriel,

[24:27] in a way.

[24:29] Anyway, Matt Damon is like,

[24:33] I want to capture one of these demon animals

[24:35] so that we can test that magnet rock on it.

[24:37] And his friend is like, let's just go.

[24:38] Why are we helping them?

[24:39] And he's like, nah, I'm gonna help.

[24:41] He doesn't trust anybody,

[24:42] but I think he's got a thing for that Commander Lin.

[24:44] Dan, what do you think?

[24:45] That's possible, or maybe he just wants

[24:46] even more black powder.

[24:48] We'll see.

[24:49] That's possible.

[24:50] Maybe it's a long con, I don't know.

[24:52] There's a big fight.

[24:53] The wall reveals that it has huge scissor blades

[24:54] for cutting monsters in half

[24:56] when they're climbing up the wall,

[24:57] which was pretty amazing,

[24:59] even though it must be the most unwieldy weapon to use.

[25:03] And they're fighting, and Matt Damon

[25:06] starts commanding them.

[25:07] You can just call him Matt.

[25:08] Not anyone I know named Matt.

[25:11] He starts commanding them, and it's like,

[25:13] Matt Damon, didn't you just meet

[25:14] one of these monsters for the first time,

[25:16] like two days ago?

[25:17] But suddenly he's like, isolate it from the others.

[25:19] We'll get that one.

[25:20] Long story short, they capture one,

[25:23] and they test the magnet rock on it, and it works.

[25:27] Great.

[25:28] Once the magnet rock is there,

[25:29] those monsters just fall right over.

[25:31] And they go, let's use this to stop them.

[25:33] And some guy who I don't even remember seeing

[25:36] before that moment in the movie goes,

[25:38] he's an envoy from the Emperor,

[25:39] he goes, I'll bring this to the Emperor.

[25:41] His sages will investigate it, and they leave.

[25:44] And when that character showed up, I'm like,

[25:46] oh, he's gonna be the bad guy.

[25:48] But he isn't, he doesn't do anything.

[25:51] He's just like, incompetent later, I guess.

[25:53] Matt Damon, his friend, and Willem Dafoe

[25:56] leave and knock him out in the process

[25:57] as he's trying to stop them.

[25:58] He gets accused of stealing the black powder,

[26:00] even though his friends are gone,

[26:02] and he was knocked unconscious and is just lying there.

[26:04] And doesn't have any-

[26:05] It's all part of his clever scam, Elliot.

[26:07] Doesn't have any black powder on him.

[26:09] It's like, the evidence here is not very strong.

[26:11] I would guess what I'm saying is,

[26:13] for Matt Damon at least, there was no collusion.

[26:17] Anyway, he gets-

[26:18] He gets locked up in the desert.

[26:20] Willem Dafoe betrays Matt Damon's friend.

[26:23] You gonna trust the guy who helped you betray your friend?

[26:26] Come on, what are you doing, Matt Damon's friend?

[26:28] You gotta trust that face, right?

[26:29] Willem-

[26:30] Yes.

[26:31] That smile.

[26:32] That baby face, yeah.

[26:34] That smile like a thousand shadows falling.

[26:40] But Willem Dafoe eventually gets his comeuppance

[26:43] as he's captured by bandits

[26:45] who blow him and themselves up to kingdom come

[26:49] when they accidentally let a bomb fall into their campfire.

[26:52] They're performing some kind of campfire follies.

[26:56] Yeah, they're juggling gunpowder, literally,

[26:59] and the gunpowder falls into the-

[27:01] But it's not like this needed to be resolved,

[27:03] like this plot point.

[27:05] It was like, this doesn't affect

[27:07] the main thrust of the movie at all.

[27:09] It was like the screenwriter was like,

[27:11] all right, these characters have left the movie.

[27:13] What can we do with them?

[27:15] What if they just blow up?

[27:17] But Matt Damon's friend doesn't blow up.

[27:19] Matt Damon's friend does not blow up.

[27:20] Just Billy Dee.

[27:21] And those dumb bandits.

[27:23] And the bandits.

[27:24] Maybe they're trying to say something bad about bandits.

[27:28] But the movie bandits taught me that bandits are lovable.

[27:30] Yeah, the movie BMX Bandits taught me

[27:32] that Nicole Kidman was gonna be a big star someday.

[27:35] That's what the movie taught you?

[27:37] That was the message of the movie?

[27:39] That was the end of the movie.

[27:40] There was a big, there was a crawl at the end being like,

[27:43] by the way, Nicole Kidman, actress in this movie,

[27:45] is gonna be a big star someday.

[27:46] And I was like.

[27:47] Five shares in Nicole Kidman now.

[27:52] I know you think like, a kid who's also a man?

[27:54] This is impossible.

[27:56] But it happened.

[27:57] Australia, I don't know.

[27:59] Anyway, they find out that they're gonna send

[28:03] some hot air balloons to the capital

[28:04] to warn the capital of the empire,

[28:07] the Chinese empire, it's not the Star Wars empire.

[28:08] Come on, guys.

[28:09] That monsters are coming their way.

[28:11] It turns out they secretly breached the wall.

[28:13] They let Matt Damon go so he can warn the world,

[28:15] even though up to this point,

[28:17] they've treated the whole thing like a secret

[28:18] that can never be told to anyone ever.

[28:21] And I never quite understood why that was.

[28:23] Where it's like, we're under attack from monsters.

[28:25] Our very existence is in peril.

[28:27] Don't tell anybody.

[28:30] We do not want help.

[28:31] They're gonna think we're losers.

[28:32] Yeah, because he shows up,

[28:34] like at the beginning of the movie,

[28:35] he and his buddy show up and see this great wall.

[28:38] And it's like, I mean, it's supposed to be pretty great.

[28:41] He would have heard about it, right?

[28:43] It's huge.

[28:44] It is big.

[28:45] I'm just wondering, if they had gotten the word out,

[28:47] maybe other people would come to help them,

[28:49] and maybe they have someone

[28:49] who's better at hunting monsters.

[28:51] Look, hey, guys, maybe I can stop some monsters.

[28:55] Sylvester Stallone just walked into the room.

[28:59] Elliot had the go,

[29:00] but I picked up on what he was saying.

[29:02] What the hell?

[29:03] And I heard you guys were in my hometown of Philadelphia, PA.

[29:08] Is that your hometown,

[29:10] or is it just Rocky's hometown?

[29:12] At this point, we're one in the same.

[29:15] I'm so far gone, I don't know which of his memories

[29:18] are which of mine.

[29:21] Anyway, I was here running up and down the steps

[29:23] of that art museum.

[29:24] Someday I'll have the courage to go inside.

[29:29] But until then, I'm a little intimidated

[29:31] by their collection of Marcel Duchamp's work.

[29:35] Now, what is it about Marcel Duchamp's work in particular

[29:37] that intimidates you?

[29:39] Well, he really made us question the concept

[29:41] of what art is.

[29:44] It's like if a urinal can be art,

[29:46] anything can be art.

[29:49] And he never finished his masterwork,

[29:52] The Bridestrip Bare by Her Bachelors Even,

[29:54] aka The Large Glass,

[29:56] and it makes me worry that someday

[29:58] I'll leave something unfinished.

[30:00] It seems like you know a lot about Marshall Duchamp's work already.

[30:04] I've been trying to psych myself up by researching him the way I would one of my opponents in

[30:08] the ring.

[30:11] Or perhaps the soldiers I'm sent to kill in a foreign country.

[30:15] Now that raises an interesting point.

[30:17] How would you as Sylvester Stallone, aka Rocky, aka Rambo, take down these monsters?

[30:23] AKA Tango.

[30:24] AKA what?

[30:25] Tango.

[30:26] Tango, of course.

[30:31] And Judge Dredd.

[30:32] The gay penguin.

[30:33] Tango.

[30:34] Star of the book.

[30:35] Tango makes three.

[30:36] I guess technically Tango was the kid of the gay penguins, but you know, let's not be,

[30:42] come on.

[30:43] Put in the goof section, you know.

[30:45] But you were asking me a question about my monster fighting abilities.

[30:49] Now, the crazy thing is in my many, many years as a cinematic action star, perhaps the greatest

[30:56] of all time, yes, I've never really fought a monster unless there's a movie I'm forgetting

[31:01] at the moment.

[31:04] But I don't think so.

[31:06] Unless you consider crime a monster, and I do.

[31:12] But I think the way I do it is one of two ways.

[31:18] Or perhaps three.

[31:20] Number one, punching.

[31:23] No, certainly your giant veins that bulge out of your arms would suggest that punching

[31:28] would be the A number one solution that you have for pretty much any problem.

[31:32] Name a problem.

[31:35] Pickle jar as an opening.

[31:36] Punch it.

[31:37] Yeah.

[31:38] How about systemic poverty?

[31:42] Punch it.

[31:43] Hey, poverty, stop being so systemic.

[31:47] I'm pow!

[31:48] My jukebox isn't working.

[31:51] Is there anything you can do for that?

[31:53] That's more of a Henry Winkler thing.

[31:56] I would punch the jukebox, but then I would be sued by Mr. Winkler, as I must refer to

[32:01] him as the court case continues to wend its way through the appeals system.

[32:06] I say you can't copyright a move on a jukebox.

[32:10] But Mr. Henry Fonzarelli Winkler disagrees.

[32:16] It's been a number of years we've been fighting that one in and out of the court systems in

[32:20] many countries.

[32:21] I'm due to appear at the Hague to testify on it.

[32:26] It seems like they'd have better things to do.

[32:30] So punching would be the first step.

[32:33] Number two, do they do anything in the movie where there's a bomb and they shoot an arrow

[32:39] at it and the bomb goes off?

[32:41] They do actually do something very similar to that.

[32:43] All right.

[32:44] Well, I guess I don't have that's not a new idea.

[32:46] OK.

[32:47] Number three, take the monsters and tell them, you know, it's a great idea.

[32:54] Make a comedy with Estelle Getty.

[32:59] They will never survive.

[33:02] I barely did.

[33:04] And the stories I have to tell about that radiant woman, Estelle Getty, I guess if she

[33:10] hadn't been such a charismatic old bitty and I say bitty in the most respectful way possible.

[33:15] Sure.

[33:16] I wouldn't have made the movie.

[33:18] I would have been like, stop.

[33:20] Don't shoot the movie.

[33:24] So the wheels turning on that one play on the title and probably number four, I'd use

[33:28] guns.

[33:29] All right.

[33:30] Well, I realized I had a fourth way to do it.

[33:33] Yeah.

[33:34] Well, they have guns in the movie.

[33:35] No, they they mostly all black powder.

[33:38] Yeah.

[33:39] They had arrows.

[33:40] They had black powder.

[33:41] They had spears.

[33:42] Put them together.

[33:43] Figure it out.

[33:44] Do they have any cannons?

[33:46] Well, they had balls that they like dripped in juice and then lit them on fire and threw

[33:51] them at things.

[33:52] Sounds pretty delicious.

[33:53] Yeah, I'd have that.

[33:57] So I guess what I'm saying is, who do you think would win in a fight?

[33:59] Me or Matthew Damon?

[34:00] Oh, wow.

[34:01] That's a good because he was the fighter, right?

[34:04] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

[34:11] no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

[34:14] I don't believe he's made of boxing gloves.

[34:16] Was he in Transformers 4?

[34:17] No.

[34:18] Who am I thinking of?

[34:20] I'm thinking Marky Mark guys.

[34:26] So I'm going to, so me, is what you're saying.

[34:28] Yeah, you would win in a fight.

[34:29] And you say that, it has nothing to factor into that decision that I'm right here and

[34:33] could rip your head right off your shoulders, which I've done.

[34:38] I mean, this isn't being recorded, right?

[34:41] Wait, you've ripped my head off of my shoulders?

[34:44] Let's not be stupid, Daniel.

[34:48] Thank you.

[34:55] This is my town.

[34:57] And I don't appreciate you deliberately misinterpreting my words as if the context of my statement

[35:07] was not clear.

[35:09] I'm sorry, Mr. Stallone here in the place our country was born.

[35:14] That country, Stallone, Eania, right now, or I just met me and my brother, Frank.

[35:23] So what else are you guys doing?

[35:26] I don't want to rush you off, Mr. Stallone, but we're nearing the end of the time.

[35:31] A lot is we're talking about the movie.

[35:33] Oh, well, I guess I'll just get back.

[35:37] Oh, guys, I'm back.

[35:40] Thank you for coming.

[35:41] What did I miss?

[35:43] Hey, Elliot.

[35:44] What did I miss, guys?

[35:45] You will never guess what you missed.

[35:48] First off, how do you feel about Tostitos?

[35:51] They're great.

[35:52] Restaurant quality.

[35:55] Because you miss Sylvester Stallone again.

[35:57] Oh, nuts.

[36:01] There's no other way to put it, really.

[36:02] Yeah, yeah.

[36:03] I just keep missing him.

[36:04] Anyway, let's just cut to the end of this movie.

[36:07] Let's cut to the end.

[36:08] There's a big battle in the capital.

[36:10] The queen shows up over there, called there by her one drone that was brought there because

[36:14] foolishly they take the magnet rock away from him to see how far away it can be before the

[36:18] queen knows he's there.

[36:20] They all get to the capital.

[36:23] After blowing up a whole bunch of hot air balloons.

[36:26] They get into hot air balloons.

[36:27] They ride hot air balloons there.

[36:28] But they start to fill them up, and I'm like, okay, so that's the plan.

[36:32] And then all of a sudden they're all on fire, and I'm like, did I miss something?

[36:36] They're just not very good at hot air.

[36:37] It's the weird movie that's like, this is something that China contributed to the world.

[36:41] Trust in each other.

[36:42] Working together as a team.

[36:43] That's the Chinese philosophy.

[36:45] We're not very good at hot air balloons, but let's move along.

[36:48] It's like, let's be honest.

[36:49] Here's three strengths and a failing of Chinese society.

[36:53] You want a group effort that's going to save the day?

[36:56] Come to China.

[36:57] Hot air balloons?

[36:58] Hey, we're not putting on airs.

[37:01] Pun intended.

[37:02] All right.

[37:03] But they go there.

[37:05] They battle through the sewers.

[37:07] They go up into a stained glass tower.

[37:10] And Matt Damon shoots an arrow at the one domesticated animal.

[37:14] The one just made a demon.

[37:15] One domesticated animal.

[37:16] The one dog that lives there.

[37:18] And his name is Farfall.

[37:20] Fuck you, Farnsworth.

[37:24] The one demon they took and they put a bomb on him.

[37:27] He gets up to the queen to help feed the queen.

[37:29] Because the queen eats by eating the regurgitated food that all her drones find,

[37:34] which is kind of gross.

[37:36] But pretty great, because she eats while these drones vomit in her mouth

[37:41] and all the other drones run around her in a circle.

[37:44] Yeah.

[37:46] That's how I like to eat.

[37:47] Yeah.

[37:49] Anyway, they manage to blow him up.

[37:52] The queen gets blown up.

[37:53] A bunch of monsters get blown up.

[37:55] And all the monsters, which have been crawling up the tower,

[37:57] climbing up all the buildings, super scary.

[37:59] They suddenly stop and freeze.

[38:01] And then they just fall backwards.

[38:03] And it looked like nothing more to me than a rain of rubber bath toys.

[38:08] They looked so fakie rubbery when they were falling.

[38:11] While I was watching, I'm like,

[38:12] I think they have a new resource that's better than black powder.

[38:17] It's piles of demon bodies.

[38:19] They're everywhere.

[38:21] I kind of wish the movie was one-third demon fighting

[38:24] and two-thirds the sanitation department dealing with all these demons everywhere.

[38:27] I like the idea, Stuart, that you go back to that village

[38:30] and there's just houses built out of demon bodies now.

[38:33] It's our most populous resource.

[38:38] It's the best thing we've got.

[38:40] Eat them up.

[38:41] We're going to eat for weeks on these demons.

[38:43] They're like, great, demon meat, delicious.

[38:45] But those things, they don't have refrigeration yet.

[38:47] They're just rotten in the sun.

[38:48] Terrible.

[38:50] Sorry, I ripped apart the silver screen movie magic,

[38:53] but that's what it's really like when monsters are just falling dead in your streets.

[38:57] It's cool for like a week, and then it's stinky.

[38:59] Let's move it out of here.

[39:01] That's why after King Kong fell in the street,

[39:03] they cut him up and served him to the homeless.

[39:07] What else are you going to do?

[39:09] This is Times Square, the crossroads of the world.

[39:11] Broadway, you're going to have a big stinky ape corpse lying down there.

[39:15] People are trying to get in to see Hamilton.

[39:18] I don't think so, dear Evan Hansen.

[39:20] This gorilla is stinking up the joint.

[39:24] It's like one of those guys in the Great Comet of the thing, 1812.

[39:29] Their name is Pierre and Natasha and the giant ape corpse.

[39:32] Broadway, anyway.

[39:33] Yeah, Hello Dolly with Bette Midler.

[39:36] Playing now.

[39:37] Come to New York.

[39:38] So can I complain about something?

[39:40] Philadelphia, you don't care about this.

[39:41] This is a New York thing.

[39:42] I was in the Broadway area recently.

[39:44] By all means.

[39:46] There was a poster for Hello Dolly with Bette Midler.

[39:48] I'm sure it's a great show.

[39:49] David Hyde Pierce is in it.

[39:50] I've seen him on stage in the show Curtains.

[39:52] He was great.

[39:53] Frasier.

[39:54] TV's Frasier's brother.

[39:57] And it said in big letters, the greatest musical ever.

[40:00] and it was like hold on beloved maybe there is no one saying hello don't leave

[40:07] the greatest musical ever Elliot said this for 20 minutes to anybody who

[40:11] walked by he stood outside me like that sign is a lie don't believe you would

[40:19] think they could not put it on a sign you would think that the sign would

[40:22] reject the paint but no no I'm surprised this building didn't burn itself down to

[40:28] rip the lies off its skin hashtag fake news but uh so anyway they save the day

[40:35] Matt Damon finds his friend jail friend in jail and frees him rather than take

[40:39] the black powder and he's gonna go take him home but there's a hint of a romance

[40:43] of brewing between him and commander Lynn and it's hinted Matt Damon may come

[40:46] back to that great wall soon maybe for the sequel great wall to great wall

[40:50] babies we're not really because this movie was a tremendous flop it was not a

[40:56] hit it was a big hit in China yeah other countries not as much it was the

[41:00] most expensive movie made in China or made a Chinese movie I guess it was I

[41:05] think the most expensive backed by although most of it was shot in New

[41:08] Zealand because they as I said couldn't film on the actual Great Wall because of

[41:14] the Zealand's Great Wall yeah they built a new Great Wall in New Zealand I don't

[41:21] know where I'm going with this joke smogs there I don't know whatever so

[41:26] many hobbits died building the Great Wall so we should do a wrap it up in the

[41:32] way over time when these people are tired yeah let's do wrap it up final

[41:37] judgment to our final judgments of this movie whatever a good bad movie a bad

[41:41] bad movie or movie we kind of liked I'm gonna go first all right it's your

[41:45] prerogative assign yourself the majority opinion Chief Justice this

[41:53] movie was super generic except for the fact that it's directed by and I'm gonna

[41:58] butcher the name I think it's Zhang Zimo Zhang Zimo Zhang Yimou yeah okay

[42:06] who directed House of Flying Daggers and Hero mm-hmm and so it was looking yes

[42:13] beautiful and House of Flying Murth yes but Parker Posey and Edith Ward yeah by

[42:20] Parker Posey and Edith Ward they collaborated on that script? They collaborated together on those scripts.

[42:25] So you expected a little bit more out of it? No I was gonna say that what's good about it is that it's

[42:30] got visual flair like the movie is very basic it's just a monster movie about

[42:37] people trying to like people about monsters who are people too guys about

[42:43] monsters if you're if you're implying the Chinese are not people no then I

[42:49] must take offense at that monsters are also people that was the real monster in

[42:54] this case the intolerance in your heart that's right but you're right it's a it's

[42:59] a it's a pretty basic action monster movie yeah about people defending a wall

[43:03] it's weird that in a movie called The Great Wall which is about a defending a

[43:06] great wall the climax of the movie does not take place at the wall that they

[43:10] leave the wall and the walls almost entirely secondary like the wall doesn't

[43:14] seem to actually be a bulwark to these monsters that it just seems to be a

[43:18] thing for them to climb over yeah it's just a tall fort but what I was gonna

[43:24] say is like it's beautiful looking and you combine like a basic inoffensive

[43:31] story with a beautiful looking film and I kind of like it at that point like it

[43:37] just pushes it slightly into like yeah all right I wouldn't be minus you

[43:43] wouldn't kick that movie out of bed yeah so that's what I have to say about that

[43:48] what do you guys think yeah I think I'm with you this is a movie that approaches

[43:52] a movie I kind of like I thought the monsters were kind of weird and they

[43:58] were way overpowered they what were they called the Tao Tei I think so yeah

[44:03] the Tao Tei yeah so the Tao Tei were pretty great I like that scene at the

[44:07] end where they're flying around in the in the hot air balloon I like when

[44:11] they're flying in the giant stained-glass tower I like it when

[44:15] things barf into the mouth of another thing

[44:19] you said this is a general rule not a general rule not even in Justin movies

[44:24] in real life sometimes you look up when Stewart's like hey I want to show you

[44:28] something on YouTube and all the recommended videos on the side are all

[44:32] just like mama bird feeds baby bird frat party gone out of control yeah that one

[44:39] scene and stand by me so yeah movie I kind of liked I it's like almost there

[44:50] for me like I all it was a movie that I wished had a little bit more unique

[44:54] quality to it because then I think I would have liked it more so it was but

[44:56] it's not bad and it's not laughable and yeah even though the monster designs I

[45:01] was like I see the parts that went into that design they got eyes on their

[45:04] shoulders that's weird you know you gotta stab them in the shoulder and

[45:07] their eye hurts and they're like ah like that's pretty cool but I went it was

[45:11] like the the promise of the beginning of the movie where it's all these

[45:15] color-coded soldiers in bright armor tromping around on that wall getting

[45:20] ready for monsters to attack them and then later they use giant scissors to

[45:23] cut monsters in half it just like never fulfills that promise so I'm like movie

[45:29] come see me after class it's like that scene in what was that movie called boy

[45:36] story the one toy story oh boy it was like in boyhood you got that he who

[45:43] thought it was called boy story how inaccurate is it that I I mean it's a

[45:49] movie about a boy I didn't think it was called about a boy that's a different

[45:53] everybody they're all about boys let's hear it for the boys anyway how it

[45:58] there's that scene in boyhood where the photography teacher is like look you

[46:01] gotta start trying you have talent but you're not working hard enough and

[46:04] you're not gonna get work you're gonna lose it to people who are not as

[46:07] talented as you because you don't are not trying and he's like whatever I feel

[46:10] like that's the conversation I had with the great wall while I was watching it

[46:12] do you think do you think that the that the director like intentionally dumbed

[46:17] himself down because he's like I need to appeal to Western audiences for like

[46:22] a blockbuster I got to make this kind of maybe well I think when you look at the

[46:26] screenwriting credits it's all Hollywood people and I think a Hollywood script

[46:30] was handed to them and they're like we want to do what Hollywood does let just

[46:33] get Hollywood people to write a script and that the Hollywood people were like

[46:35] maybe not I don't want to cast dispersion of anyone or motivations but

[46:39] it feels like they were like they want a big Hollywood blockbuster let's give it

[46:42] to them cranky cranky cranky cranky cranky here you go you know there was

[46:46] somewhere that was missing that flair of inspiration all right well we that

[46:51] separates the great walls okay from the merely good walls we should move along

[46:57] the the show before us went on a little long so now we're going real we're going

[47:03] along the show after us is fuck podcasts podcasts podcasts there are audio

[47:15] programs that tell smart stories in innovative ways using editing techniques

[47:20] like this like this like this but let's face it all that smart stuff can be

[47:25] exhausting that's where stop podcasting yourself comes in it's so stupid it's

[47:30] just two stupid dinguses being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes stop

[47:35] podcasting yourself the stupid show that smart people love find it on iTunes or

[47:41] maximumfun.org it's been a long time coming but John Roderick finally has a

[47:50] podcast on the maximumfun.org network the long wait is over

[47:56] max fun friends I teamed up with these two unlikely nerds and their dumb Star

[48:04] Trek podcast and we talk about war movies not just in a laudatory and

[48:13] salivating way but we apply critical thinking principles to the multiple

[48:20] multiple subtexts that are woven in every war movie and Sylvester Stallone

[48:26] specifically it is not that it is not that at all so go grab friendly fire

[48:30] every Friday on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts

[48:37] hey guys sorry to break into the live show but it's time for everyone's

[48:43] favorite thing in the world a Dan McCoy solo ad read oh boy is there anything

[48:50] better so today the Flophouse is sponsored in part by Blue Apron Blue

[48:57] Apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes

[49:01] right to your door they can be cooked in under 45 minutes the menu changes every

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[49:09] culinary team for eight weeks ending on February the 26th Blue Apron is teaming

[49:17] with Whole30 to bring you delicious recipes our menu will feature two

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[49:39] with Blue Apron and Whole30 and Blue Apron is treating the Flophouse

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[49:49] understand that if not you shouldn't be listening to podcasts but they're

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[50:09] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

[50:13] And you know what?

[50:15] Why just have one advertisement when you can have two?

[50:19] Our other sponsor for this program is ZipRecruiter.

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[51:06] Yeah, you can do it just for funsies at that price.

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[51:19] We got a couple of jumbotrons up on the screen before we get back to the Great Wall.

[51:28] First off, here's a podcast for you.

[51:32] 17-year-old Jennifer Dash leaves home to solve the world.

[51:37] As the world turns to chaos, she will meet heroes, villains, and gods of old.

[51:44] Neil Gaiman and Lewis Carroll meet Welcome to Night Vale in this 100-episode fiction

[51:49] podcast by Dante Stack.

[51:51] Merry Christmas, Dante, from your wife.

[51:55] Find Solve the World podcast on iTunes or DanteStack.com.

[51:58] Oh, that's a nice Christmas gift from Dante's wife.

[52:03] I hope you check out that 100-episode fiction podcast, Solve the World.

[52:09] That's a lot of episodes.

[52:14] That's my endorsement.

[52:15] That's a lot of episodes.

[52:17] Congratulations on numerical supremacy.

[52:22] And the second message is for, rather, Eddie, last name withheld, from Lisa, Emma, and Charlotte.

[52:31] So if you're an Eddie who knows a Lisa, Emma, and a Charlotte, that might be your last name

[52:36] withheld.

[52:38] And they write, Surprise!

[52:40] Happy 51st birthday, Eddie.

[52:42] And you thought last year's Jumbotron message and the song from Elliot was the pinnacle

[52:46] of your life.

[52:47] This year, Stuart is going to apologize personally to you for injuring his back and missing the

[52:51] LA Live podcast.

[52:53] Or maybe not.

[52:54] Stuart is mercurial like that.

[52:56] Anyway, we love you and wish you the best year ever.

[52:59] Yeah, Stuart is so mercurial that he's not here.

[53:02] I mean, it would be a little weird that he would be here right now since I'm doing these

[53:07] messages solo, having just gotten home from work in anticipation of posting a live episode.

[53:15] If he was in my house just, say, like, I don't know, showering or something, that would have

[53:19] been strange.

[53:20] Not unwelcome, but strange.

[53:23] Anyway, enough of my futile attempts to make my voice alone sound interesting.

[53:30] It's time to get back to the, I believe, Philadelphia, was that where we were, episode

[53:38] with Great Wall.

[53:40] See you soon.

[53:41] We've got about, I think we've got about 15 minutes maybe for questions from the audience.

[53:47] I don't know why you're looking at me.

[53:49] I thought maybe you remembered where the microphone was.

[53:52] The microphone is going to be right down there.

[53:55] Hey, Peaches.

[53:56] Hi, Peaches.

[53:57] I just wanted to thank you for all the relatively free content that you've given over the years.

[54:02] Oh, you're welcome.

[54:03] Relatively is right.

[54:04] I mean, it's free to you.

[54:05] I don't understand what you mean, relatively free.

[54:07] No, no, it's the price he's paying with his soul.

[54:09] Let him ask his question, Dan.

[54:11] And that's the other thing.

[54:12] We're so glad you guys are here.

[54:14] Don't worry about fluffing us.

[54:16] Come on, you know.

[54:17] You don't have to thank us.

[54:18] You came here and came to see us.

[54:20] Let's ask the questions, huh?

[54:21] But thank you.

[54:22] You're welcome.

[54:23] Oh, and I'm Sean, last name withheld.

[54:25] Hi, Sean.

[54:26] Hi, Sean.

[54:27] Sean Michaels, the wrestler.

[54:29] Oh, really?

[54:30] Yeah.

[54:31] All right.

[54:32] With Elliot Kalin leaving for L.A., Stu and Dan, what are you two going to miss most about

[54:38] having Elliot in the proverbial flop house?

[54:42] Oh, here it comes.

[54:45] Praise aplenty.

[54:48] I'll just bask in it.

[54:51] I feel like you're going to be disappointed.

[54:53] The first thing that came to my mind, which is I'm going to miss seeing Elliot absolutely

[54:58] dismantle a chicken.

[55:02] It's gross.

[55:03] It is.

[55:04] It's gross.

[55:05] It is like the scene in a cartoon where a cat gets a fish, puts it down its gullet,

[55:11] and then pulls out a perfect fish skeleton.

[55:15] It's like the scene when a hardened assassin is breaking down all of his weaponry.

[55:21] But also, there are fewer bones than you would expect once he's done.

[55:26] He has clearly eaten half of the bones.

[55:29] This is something my son has a lot of pride in.

[55:32] He'll eat a drumstick, and then he goes, Daddy, you can have the bone.

[55:37] And he's like, I want to see you eat the bone, Daddy.

[55:40] I'm like, with pleasure, yeah.

[55:42] And I say to him, someday, son, I'm going to teach you the secrets of how to do this.

[55:47] And one thing that I think what Sean was implying is also what I'm going to be looking forward

[55:53] to now that Elliot's gone is we're going to be able to record with Dan's cat, Archie,

[56:01] actually in the room, as opposed to crying sadly in the other room while Elliot laughs

[56:08] and taunts Archie.

[56:10] I do a lot of this, what's that, Arch?

[56:12] I can't hear you through the door.

[56:15] Yeah, Elliot has been pretending to be allergic to cats all this time just because he hates them.

[56:20] He's gaslighting Archie.

[56:26] Yeah, so I can get his jewels.

[56:29] That was a great question.

[56:31] I loved it.

[56:32] Next question, please.

[56:34] Hi, peaches.

[56:35] My name is Neil, last name withheld.

[56:37] I actually saw my first live show of you guys in Brooklyn when you did Fidget Shades.

[56:43] And I took my mom because, I don't know.

[56:46] Because you like awkward rides home.

[56:49] We kind of didn't look at each other during the whole thing.

[56:52] But she said she enjoyed it, kind of.

[56:55] She was like, your humor was soft.

[56:58] You don't have to qualify it for us.

[57:01] That's the way I feel about the show.

[57:04] That's better than my mom feels about the show.

[57:07] So basically I wanted to know, I think that introduction went pretty well.

[57:11] I don't think she would listen to one on her own.

[57:13] I think maybe if I made her listen to it, she would.

[57:16] Is there something?

[57:18] Yeah, she has to.

[57:19] She's legally obligated.

[57:20] Is there something that you tried to introduce to your parents that, like, whether it be a movie or a TV show or something,

[57:26] that you were like, oh, my God, they're going to love it.

[57:28] And then at the end they were like, well.

[57:33] I got really excited when the movie about Schmidt came out because I really liked it.

[57:39] And so I'm like, Mom and Dad, you've got to watch about Schmidt.

[57:42] They hated it.

[57:44] For some reason a movie about a man growing old and losing his mate just didn't connect with them.

[57:50] Is it that it didn't connect with them?

[57:53] Or maybe it connected.

[57:55] Are you saying it connected too much?

[57:57] Possibly.

[57:58] Because sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much.

[58:00] Dan, you recommend a lot of hardcore pornography to your parents.

[58:05] A lot of hardcore what?

[58:07] Pornography.

[58:08] What other hardcore would it be?

[58:12] A lot of hardcore cat videos.

[58:15] A lot of hardcore hockey.

[58:19] Dan, you recommended Hardcore Henry to your parents.

[58:22] How did they feel?

[58:25] I can't believe it took you that long to get to the Hardcore Henry.

[58:28] I think I may have said this on the podcast already.

[58:32] I was always in charge.

[58:34] I was the guy who was sent to rent a movie because I liked reading movie reviews.

[58:39] By the way, Dan, if they show Hardcore Henry on FX, do they have to call it Softcore Henry?

[58:43] Oh!

[58:46] Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

[58:48] You can finish your story.

[58:49] I'm sorry.

[58:50] No, there's not much to the story.

[58:52] I remember cycling to the store and picking up.

[58:56] My pick was Wayne's World.

[58:59] That seems like a family crowd pleaser.

[59:01] No, yeah, and my parents were just like, why did you get Wayne's World?

[59:05] They were already familiar enough with Wayne's World.

[59:08] My parents are like academics, like Anglophile academics, and so they were just like, what is this?

[59:15] But they liked Wayne's World.

[59:17] Yeah, it's a funny movie.

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:19] I remember my mom was when Hedwig and the Angry Inch came out on DVD.

[59:24] She was just like, should I watch this?

[59:26] It's great.

[59:27] She did not care for it.

[59:29] Couldn't finish it.

[59:30] The other story I want to tell is not me recommending, but I had a weird conversation with my dad years ago where he goes,

[59:35] he goes, you ever heard of this movie Dead Rangers?

[59:38] And I'm like, yeah, definitely.

[59:40] It's great.

[59:41] He's like, so stepmom and I rented it the other night.

[59:45] Like, can you explain to us why someone would watch that?

[59:48] And I was like, all right, I don't think I can, Dad.

[59:51] I don't think I can explain that to you.

[59:53] And for years I've been like, why did they rent Dead Rangers?

[59:56] It's not like the box art is that compelling.

[59:58] No.

[1:00:00] Not like a Bors Vallejo painting or something.

[1:00:04] Or even Julie Bell, at least.

[1:00:07] We should move on. Thank you.

[1:00:09] Thank you very much.

[1:00:12] You've got some mic wrangling.

[1:00:15] Brendan, last name with hell.

[1:00:17] Hey, Brendan.

[1:00:18] I really enjoyed your Adventure Zone crossovers, and I was wondering...

[1:00:22] Thank you.

[1:00:25] Some people did not.

[1:00:28] Their names were Reddit.

[1:00:31] And I was wondering if you guys could ever see yourself doing an RPG again,

[1:00:36] and maybe something like Feng Shui 2,

[1:00:39] that is built to have more improv and create the setting of an action movie,

[1:00:44] something like that.

[1:00:46] Yeah, so you're referring to the tabletop role-playing game Feng Shui,

[1:00:52] where you get to recreate an action movie.

[1:00:57] Well, I'm always trying to get these guys to do fun stuff like that with me,

[1:01:01] but it also is a lot of work,

[1:01:04] especially if you're trying to make something that people can listen to.

[1:01:08] And if there's one thing that made me respect Griffin McElroy more than anything,

[1:01:12] it's having to do that show,

[1:01:15] and then the amount of stress that I put up with,

[1:01:18] and the amount of work I had to put into it.

[1:01:20] This isn't funny at all, I'm sorry.

[1:01:24] I'm assuming I'll probably be able to convince them to do something once a year,

[1:01:29] but I think that's about all, right?

[1:01:31] It's difficult to schedule, but maybe, you never know.

[1:01:34] Dan likes role-playing.

[1:01:36] I'm coming around on it a little bit.

[1:01:42] Your buddy Vin Diesel fucking loves it, dude.

[1:01:45] Come on, man, are you cooler than Vin Diesel?

[1:01:47] For being the only person in the Flophouse with actual improv training,

[1:01:52] I'm the weakest person when it comes to doing character stuff on those things.

[1:01:56] So that's why I feel a little gun-shy, I think.

[1:02:00] Well, you've just got to imagine, you've got to pretend that you're an orc or something.

[1:02:06] Thanks for that advice.

[1:02:07] That's the secret.

[1:02:08] That's just the trick.

[1:02:09] You shouldn't reveal that secret.

[1:02:11] Thanks for the question.

[1:02:12] Next question, please.

[1:02:14] What's up, dudes?

[1:02:15] I'm Willie Ewell, bank account information withheld,

[1:02:17] and I wanted to know, in a theoretical movie about God and the Devil,

[1:02:22] what horribly unfit actors would you guys like to see play those roles?

[1:02:26] Like for Shock Value, where it's like,

[1:02:28] I can't believe that's the person they cast for that.

[1:02:30] I've got to see this movie.

[1:02:31] About, yeah.

[1:02:32] Okay.

[1:02:33] Who is terrible, like bad casting for God and the Devil.

[1:02:37] It's so hard for the Devil, because I feel like everything's kind of been tried.

[1:02:41] Like, this kid is the Devil.

[1:02:43] Or like, this funny guy or this goofy guy or this sexy lady or this old lady or this young lady.

[1:02:50] I feel like everyone's been tried for the Devil, so maybe like a chair?

[1:02:55] What about that guy you hate from The Big Bang Theory?

[1:02:57] What about him as the Devil?

[1:02:58] Jim Parsons?

[1:02:59] Well, he is the Devil, so that's not casting.

[1:03:03] Just kidding.

[1:03:05] Just kidding.

[1:03:06] I just don't love that show.

[1:03:07] And he played God on Broadway already, Jim Parsons.

[1:03:09] Did he?

[1:03:10] Yeah, in David Javerbaum's hit movie show.

[1:03:12] I don't see Jared Leto play either of them.

[1:03:15] Unless, what if he played both of them?

[1:03:17] Oh, I'm listening.

[1:03:21] I thought you were talking about like a True West sort of thing where he switched the roles every night.

[1:03:25] With himself?

[1:03:26] Yeah, with himself.

[1:03:27] So there's just empty space on stage with him every night?

[1:03:30] Yeah.

[1:03:32] I was thinking more of like a Two-Face thing where like half his hair is in like crazy cornrows or something.

[1:03:38] Yeah.

[1:03:39] Like in Panic Room.

[1:03:40] Yeah.

[1:03:41] And the other half is crazy and burned up like in Panic Room.

[1:03:49] Yeah, I don't think we have much more to say about that, so let's move on.

[1:03:53] Consider that question unanswerable.

[1:03:54] Next question, please.

[1:03:56] First off, wow, can't believe I'm seeing the Flophouse, guys.

[1:03:59] Oh, wow.

[1:04:01] We're so glad you're here.

[1:04:02] Wow.

[1:04:05] Philadelphia, wow.

[1:04:08] Is that a lot of lightsabers?

[1:04:12] Wow.

[1:04:13] What?

[1:04:14] A lot of lightsabers now.

[1:04:15] Yeah, that's what lightsabers sound like.

[1:04:17] If anyone has any videos about it, please send them to us.

[1:04:20] John's trying to ask us a question, dude.

[1:04:22] Sorry, I apologize.

[1:04:23] I can't believe I'm actually trying to shut down Elliot.

[1:04:24] Wow.

[1:04:25] I'm John, last name withheld.

[1:04:27] I just watched the Cronenberg fly again for the bajillionth time.

[1:04:31] And afterwards, I found myself just so repulsed by any house fly anywhere.

[1:04:37] What was the last time?

[1:04:38] Before you loved them.

[1:04:39] Yeah, before I loved them.

[1:04:40] Before you're like, hooray, dinner.

[1:04:42] So repulsed.

[1:04:43] You're like, come on over, let me share my food with you.

[1:04:45] And that was just the mark of such a great horror movie for me, is I could see it so many times

[1:04:49] but still be repulsed by this thing that it was about.

[1:04:52] What are some things like that for you guys?

[1:04:55] Like an ordinary household thing that you could be repulsed by, by a movie?

[1:05:00] I would say, I remember after I saw the movie Cabin Fever,

[1:05:05] I got like really nervous about getting a disease, like a flesh eating disease.

[1:05:11] That's not really a household thing, hopefully.

[1:05:14] Hopefully.

[1:05:16] But yeah, so that's my only answer, is I don't want to get a disease.

[1:05:22] I mean, one of the things I loved about It Follows was that I was kind of afraid of everything afterwards.

[1:05:29] Jeez, I don't know.

[1:05:32] Like whenever anyone tries to commit suicide in a movie, I'm just like, oh boy.

[1:05:38] So common household item, suicide, all right.

[1:05:42] No, I just like, as a depressed person, it's very good that I look at that and I'm just like, not for me.

[1:05:55] I agree, Dan, that is very good, sincerely.

[1:05:58] I'm very glad you feel that way.

[1:06:03] If that ever changes, please.

[1:06:06] Please call us.

[1:06:08] If you're like, please get in touch.

[1:06:12] Otherwise, don't bother calling us.

[1:06:17] Hey there, guys.

[1:06:18] Sam, last name withheld.

[1:06:20] There's a big fighting game tournament going on this weekend, so it made me curious.

[1:06:23] If you guys were characters in a fighting game, what would your super special finishing move be?

[1:06:31] I guess, oh wait, there's two of you to go.

[1:06:33] I was going to ascribe that your moves are basically Phoenix Wright's moves from the Marvel vs. Capcom game.

[1:06:38] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:06:39] Where he's like, just talking a lot.

[1:06:41] But of course, let's not forget my specialist move of all.

[1:06:48] When I sing and sing and sing after watching a movie like The Great Wall.

[1:06:54] Sometimes you just have a song in your heart that you gotta get out.

[1:07:00] Especially when it's the end of a fight.

[1:07:03] And they tell you to finish him and you go, alright.

[1:07:06] But the thing that you want to do the most is sing.

[1:07:10] Cause it's your favorite thing when you're finishing a fight.

[1:07:15] Every night it's alright when you finish a fight.

[1:07:19] To sing in the light or the dark of the night.

[1:07:23] I mentioned night before, but I'm using that word again.

[1:07:27] So what kind of move did you want to do, Dan?

[1:07:29] Cause I can.

[1:07:30] And so I sing him to death after the fight.

[1:07:33] It's gonna be cool, then I'll fly a kite.

[1:07:36] And I'm running out of words off the top of my head.

[1:07:41] That rhyme with fight.

[1:07:45] So they'll be dead. That rhymes with head.

[1:07:47] Thanks, guys.

[1:07:49] Oh, thank you.

[1:07:54] I think we got another question.

[1:07:57] You know, sometimes you sing a song.

[1:08:00] And you're worried about it.

[1:08:02] We want to get through as many questions as we can.

[1:08:05] I get to be on this show all the time, and yet I'm eating up all the time.

[1:08:09] Yes, please. Sorry, next question.

[1:08:11] Hi, I'm Anna, last name with all.

[1:08:14] And in the years I've been listening, I've had...

[1:08:17] Sorry?

[1:08:18] In the years that I've been listening to the show,

[1:08:20] there have been many questions I've thought about writing in,

[1:08:24] but I've forgotten them all.

[1:08:27] So instead, I have something I'd like to give you fellows.

[1:08:31] Oh, awesome. Thank you.

[1:08:38] It's my birthday tonight,

[1:08:40] but I'm giving you a present.

[1:08:42] Oh, wow. Happy birthday.

[1:08:44] That's awesome. Thank you.

[1:08:45] That's fantastic. Thank you.

[1:08:47] Thank you for being here with us.

[1:08:49] It's a print.

[1:08:52] They go together as a set.

[1:08:54] Dawn Rose's blueprints for Scrooge McDuck's money van.

[1:09:07] Yes, that's going in the Hall of Trophies for sure.

[1:09:09] Thank you very much.

[1:09:12] Please.

[1:09:14] If you want it, you can come up and give it to us now.

[1:09:16] Please, yeah, yeah.

[1:09:17] Please come on up.

[1:09:18] Security, it's okay. Let her in. It's all right.

[1:09:20] Thank you so much.

[1:09:23] Thank you very much. Thanks.

[1:09:25] Oh, cool.

[1:09:27] We're going to be pouring over those later

[1:09:29] so we can beat the Beagle Boys to it.

[1:09:33] If we're not already too late.

[1:09:36] Thanks so much.

[1:09:37] That's awesome. That's great.

[1:09:39] Dan, you don't like duck stuff, so I'll just hold on to it.

[1:09:41] All right.

[1:09:42] Next question.

[1:09:43] Just kidding. I love duck stuff.

[1:09:45] Hey, guys. Mark, last name withheld.

[1:09:47] I have money I can give you.

[1:09:48] I don't have anything to hold back.

[1:09:50] No, no. Keep your money.

[1:09:52] After the show, give us the money.

[1:09:53] All right. Will do.

[1:09:54] If anyone else has money, yeah.

[1:09:58] I'm an eighth grade history teacher.

[1:10:00] I thought you were about to say you're in 8th grade and I'm like, this is very late for you.

[1:10:05] Very tall for my age, very tall. And every year, universally, and I'm pretty sure that's with any 8th grader,

[1:10:10] they have terrible taste in everything, but especially movies.

[1:10:13] Every year I get, you haven't seen Haunted House 2? I'm like, why would I see that? It's the greatest movie ever.

[1:10:19] And I don't get a lot of wiggle room within the year to show them actual non-school related movies.

[1:10:25] I somehow got Gremlins approved.

[1:10:28] Oh, lots of history in that one.

[1:10:31] Right before winter break. But I was wondering if you guys had any gateway movies for like 13, 14 year olds

[1:10:37] that could kind of get them maybe a little later on into actual good movies.

[1:10:41] So they actually have good taste.

[1:10:44] Have you ever thought about Gremlins?

[1:10:49] Good call, good idea, good call.

[1:10:53] I feel like all of the old Amblin Entertainment movies were like that thing back in the day.

[1:11:00] Like E.T.?

[1:11:02] Yeah, E.T. and Gremlins.

[1:11:05] All the Spielbergian...

[1:11:07] Stand By Me? What about Stand By Me?

[1:11:09] That's a good one.

[1:11:10] I think that's a good gateway for kids to watch movies that have no fantastic element in them.

[1:11:14] Where it's just about kids.

[1:11:16] I certainly was shown it many times by my dad.

[1:11:19] And I'd be like, I saw that movie. Yeah, we're watching it again.

[1:11:22] I'm just like thinking of movies that I saw in school.

[1:11:25] I remember we watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

[1:11:30] What is the educational content of this?

[1:11:33] I guess it's making me like archaeology?

[1:11:36] And hate Nazis.

[1:11:38] I remember I watched 1776. That's great.

[1:11:43] I love the idea that they showed you that in school and you're like, I'm never going to use this.

[1:11:47] And then 40 years later you have to choose between Grails.

[1:11:51] And you're like, oh, if only I'd paid attention in class.

[1:11:55] Which is the cup of a carpenter?

[1:11:57] Oh, boy.

[1:11:58] Is it this bejeweled plate that's here for some reason?

[1:12:01] That's not even a cup.

[1:12:02] To weed out the really stupid explorers?

[1:12:07] Yeah, I don't know. That's a good question.

[1:12:09] That's a very good question.

[1:12:10] Stand By Me is a good response.

[1:12:12] Although I don't think I'd show it in school because there's swearing and stuff and throw-ups.

[1:12:15] I mean, all those movies, like PG movies in the 80s were wild, dude.

[1:12:20] Like Teen Wolf? That's crazy.

[1:12:22] I feel like this is an old movie, but I feel like a lot of people I know were shown 12 Angry Men in school

[1:12:28] and really got into it in a way that they didn't with other black and white movies.

[1:12:32] And I'm not sure why that is, but that's a good one.

[1:12:35] What about like Lawrence of Arabia?

[1:12:37] Yeah, show them a four-hour movie that's best seen in 70 millimeters on a screen at school.

[1:12:43] What are you saying? That's not a good movie.

[1:12:45] Everyone's binge-watching shit nowadays. They can watch four hours.

[1:12:47] Actually, as long as you cut in closing credits every 45 minutes,

[1:12:51] someone will just sit and watch Lawrence of Arabia all the way through.

[1:12:54] Somebody whip up a Lawrence of Arabia intro theme that's really catchy.

[1:12:59] Super emo, yeah.

[1:13:01] Well, like a Kimmy Schmidt type thing.

[1:13:03] Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

[1:13:05] Yeah, I think that's all we've got.

[1:13:08] I mean, it's better than my Gateway movie, which was when I was eight or nine and my dad showed me RoboCop.

[1:13:13] Better than RoboCop?

[1:13:15] No, no, I'm just saying it's like that wasn't the most appropriate film for me to see.

[1:13:18] All right, I think that we can stretch things and get through our line here.

[1:13:22] We've got just two more questions left. Nobody jump in at the last minute.

[1:13:25] Thanks, guys.

[1:13:27] Zach, last name withheld.

[1:13:29] So I used to spend a lot of time in a tour van as a musician,

[1:13:33] and one of the conversations that would come up a lot is the definitive ranking

[1:13:39] of the Fast and Furious film franchise.

[1:13:44] And I was wondering if I could have a couple seconds of your time to just answer this once and for all.

[1:13:51] Sure, yeah.

[1:13:52] So it just ends it, and I don't have to debate this with my now former bandmates anymore.

[1:13:59] So, Elliot, you're the gearhead of the gang.

[1:14:02] Oh, yeah.

[1:14:04] I'm a real car talk.

[1:14:08] Do you want to do it at the same time together?

[1:14:10] Yeah, let's all do it.

[1:14:12] So number one's Fast Five, no question, you're crazy.

[1:14:15] There's two Furious.

[1:14:17] Wait, you're just listing them in order?

[1:14:19] No, no, no.

[1:14:20] There's the Furious.

[1:14:22] There's Fast, Furious, Seven Minutes in Heaven, that's the seventh one.

[1:14:26] And then there's like—

[1:14:27] Just the Ten of Us, that's a good one.

[1:14:30] Six is it.

[1:14:32] It's really Christian, though.

[1:14:35] There was—

[1:14:36] Mad Max, Fast and Furious Road.

[1:14:39] Yeah, Fast $5 Foot Long.

[1:14:41] Which one does Vin Diesel come back for?

[1:14:44] This is Fast 40.

[1:14:46] Oh, wow.

[1:14:47] That's the 40th one.

[1:14:48] There's the Fast and the Furriest, that's where the furries just have an orgy.

[1:14:53] But it's over quickly.

[1:14:54] Not always.

[1:14:55] Always.

[1:14:57] In this case, it was.

[1:14:59] There's the Fast and the Foodiest, that's the Ray Kroc story with Michael Keaton.

[1:15:04] There's the Slow and the Sanguine.

[1:15:09] That's probably not a very good one.

[1:15:13] There was also like, Mad Max meets Fast and the Furious, part three, the avenging.

[1:15:18] I feel a little bit like when you bring a soccer ball out and you're like,

[1:15:22] Hey guys, let's play soccer.

[1:15:24] And they just kicked it over the fence.

[1:15:27] Everybody knows the best Fast and Furious movie is the Taking a Pelham 1-2-3 starring Walter Matthau.

[1:15:33] Just goes without saying.

[1:15:35] There's a subway chase at the end, but the train's just chasing itself.

[1:15:38] And I've seen all the Fast and the Furious movies and could not have less of an opinion on this matter.

[1:15:45] So let's, we answered that one.

[1:15:47] We've got one last question.

[1:15:48] I hope that settles the debate.

[1:15:51] Well, that was really funny.

[1:15:52] So I almost feel bad because I'm about to be a total killjoy.

[1:15:56] Bring it down.

[1:15:57] Killjoy, last name with hell.

[1:15:59] Always leave them sad.

[1:16:00] That's the showbiz maxim.

[1:16:02] Not to be totally pedantic, Elliot, but I really took issue with your recommendation of Love and Anarchy,

[1:16:11] one of my favorite films.

[1:16:13] When you suggested that it was sort of a romanticization of prostitution or sex work,

[1:16:20] when I think that actually she's doing the exact opposite of that,

[1:16:23] where she is weaponizing femininity and weaponizing male desire against fascism,

[1:16:29] which is something that I think is a really important reason why we should be watching that movie right now.

[1:16:34] And then also I think that some of the scenes you're talking about,

[1:16:37] she's actually mocking the directors that you're talking about,

[1:16:40] like mocking their fetishization of those women.

[1:16:44] Take that.

[1:16:45] No, I mean, it's a very fair point.

[1:16:48] So I would like you to re-watch, or everyone, watch this movie.

[1:16:53] I'd re-watch it because it's a really good movie.

[1:16:55] Yeah, it's a really good movie.

[1:16:56] I think it's more that that specific movie, I might have been reacting in that movie,

[1:17:00] to a certain strain of European film where it's like, you know what's the most fun place to be?

[1:17:07] A whorehouse.

[1:17:09] The guys are having fun.

[1:17:10] The girls are having fun.

[1:17:11] I guess like Fellini movies is what I'm talking about.

[1:17:13] Yeah, of course.

[1:17:14] Where as much as I like Fellini, he's like, and Billy Wilder to a certain extent, it's like, let's just face it.

[1:17:18] Women are never more fun than when they're prostitutes.

[1:17:21] I think she's responding to that in that movie, I think.

[1:17:24] Okay, maybe.

[1:17:25] I would suggest you watch it with that in mind.

[1:17:27] Okay, the Johns in it are certainly like the butt of the joke, you know, for sure.

[1:17:30] Yeah, exactly.

[1:17:31] So I don't want to interpret too much, but I'm assuming your question is, what's it like being so dumb, Elliot?

[1:17:43] That's a fair point.

[1:17:44] And it wasn't pedantic at all.

[1:17:45] It would have been pedantic if you were like, actually the title is The Incident That Took Place

[1:17:49] at the Such-and-Such Brothel at Such-and-Such Time, which is like the full Italian title.

[1:17:53] But I don't know it.

[1:17:54] That's too long.

[1:17:55] So fair point.

[1:17:56] I'm going to watch that movie again tonight.

[1:17:58] And you guys are watching it with me.

[1:17:59] And we're going to live blog the whole experience.

[1:18:02] All right.

[1:18:03] Anything to keep you guys quiet in the back of the car.

[1:18:07] We're driving back home tonight, and that is what we're doing.

[1:18:11] We're watching Love and Anarchy in the Back, and then maybe some episodes of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.

[1:18:16] Finding Dory.

[1:18:19] But that's a fair point, and I take it as such.

[1:18:22] So what do we do now on this podcast?

[1:18:24] Now is the point of the podcast where we have to sadly say goodnight.

[1:18:28] Because we are actually going back to New York tonight.

[1:18:33] Because we don't want to spend one more second in your stink town.

[1:18:37] Show's over.

[1:18:38] I don't have to pretend I like this hellhole anymore.

[1:18:42] Give me three good things Philadelphia ever gave the world.

[1:18:45] Can't say cream cheese, because I don't like that shit.

[1:18:53] Somebody yelled out Bill Cosby.

[1:18:55] Someone who has not paid attention to the news in several years.

[1:18:59] So thank you so much.

[1:19:00] Thanks for having us.

[1:19:01] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:19:03] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:19:04] Oh, wow.

[1:19:05] Elliot Kalin, that's me.

[1:19:07] Goodnight, Philadelphia.

[1:19:12] Music.

[1:19:37] Maximumfund.org.

[1:19:39] Comedy and culture.

[1:19:40] Artist owned.

[1:19:41] Listener supported.

Ep.# 249 - The Great Wall LIVE

Transcript

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