Ep.# 249 - The Great Wall LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss the Great Wall.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] At the Philly Podfest in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America.

[0:07] Woo!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:43] Woo!

[0:44] Woo!

[0:45] Dan, why does it sound so like there's so many more people here in your apartment?

[0:49] How many times are you going to make that joke?

[0:52] Till it works.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] Well, we're recording as part of the Philly Podcast Festival.

[0:58] Thank you for having us, Philadelphia.

[1:00] Yeah!

[1:06] Your town is as warm as your cheesesteaks.

[1:11] Okay.

[1:12] This is a weird way to put it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14] Why don't we back that one up and give it another shot?

[1:16] Toot!

[1:17] Toot!

[1:18] Toot!

[1:19] Thanks.

[1:20] Oh, yeah.

[1:21] Thanks for coming out on a Sunday night when, what, Game of Thrones and stuff?

[1:25] Game of Thrones is on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] It's the season premiere of Game of Thrones.

[1:28] That's right.

[1:29] Everybody's favorite show about the toilet.

[1:32] Little game I like to play called Am I Gonna Make It On Time?

[1:36] You know, folks, it's funny.

[1:38] Who here's from out of town, huh?

[1:41] I'm gonna do my tight five on toilets.

Dan McCoy

[1:44] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[1:46] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:49] Uh-huh.

[1:49] That sounds like fun.

[1:50] Let's do that.

[1:50] Yeah.

[1:50] Okay.

[1:51] Well, we're gonna watch it right now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53] Start up the DVD player.

[1:55] Okay.

[1:56] Wait, let me just blow it in.

[1:57] Wait, let me just blow it in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:57] And we should start up a DVD player and talk about a different movie than the one we talked

[2:00] about tonight.

[2:01] I know I put a call out on the social media plats asking for...

[2:06] Was one of those Oliver Platt?

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:09] Asking for recommendations for a movie we should watch and I delivered them all to Dan.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:15] And he just put them in the garbage in front of me.

[2:19] And I said, but Mannequin.

[2:20] And Dan says, I love Mannequin.

[2:25] To...

[2:26] In retrospect, we probably should have watched Mannequin.

[2:28] We should have watched Mannequin.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] Sorry, Philadelphia.

[2:32] I know you manheads were all waiting to get here.

[2:35] What comes those manheads, kinos?

Dan McCoy

[2:37] I would be so afraid of making fun of such a beloved Philadelphia movie.

[2:43] I would feel like all the locals would...

Elliott Kalan

[2:44] If all the movie is set in Philadelphia, I'd have to say Mannequin is probably 27th most

[2:50] beloved.

Stuart Wellington

[2:52] Wait, are we going to make fun of the movie we watched tonight?

[2:55] Because I don't think I'm going to.

[2:57] Oh, that's a spoiler.

[2:59] Yeah, spoiler alert.

[3:00] Okay, so what did we watch tonight?

Dan McCoy

[3:02] We watched a movie called The Great Wall starring Matt Damon.

[3:07] Son of the Mailer Demon.

[3:08] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] Matt is a little animal that follows children around until it's stolen from them for the

[3:15] valuable dust inside.

[3:17] What?

[3:21] That's a Golden Compass reference, Dan.

[3:23] Oh, okay.

[3:26] Read a book sometime, and that book better be The Golden Compass.

[3:30] Because if you read a different book, it won't be that helpful.

Dan McCoy

[3:33] And that book better be a didactic implication of Christianity.

Elliott Kalan

[3:37] It's a heart...

[3:39] It's a touching story about the maturity of children, Dan.

[3:42] Mm-hmm.

[3:43] And?

[3:44] And it's a rip-snortin' adventure.

Stuart Wellington

[3:46] There's bears that wear armor in it, right?

[3:48] The what?

[3:49] Aren't there bears that wear armor in it?

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:51] It's like in real life.

[3:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Dan, I want to live where you live.

[3:57] Anyway, they're called Pangerbarn.

[3:58] Anyway, continue.

[3:59] The Great Wall.

[4:00] Now, The Great Wall is a movie that holds an interesting place in cinema history that I think people are going to look back on.

[4:05] As it was very much an attempt for a Chinese film to make it in the world market.

[4:12] Mm-hmm.

[4:12] Where the world market is right now, you need a big American actor to do it.

[4:16] And it doesn't come more big American than Matt Damon.

[4:20] Let me tell you, they went goodwill hunting for a star who could help them to born ultimatum this movie.

[4:32] But unfortunately, what they found was just a bunch of mall rats.

[4:37] Was he in that or was that Ben Affleck?

[4:39] No, he was not in that one.

[4:40] Okay.

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[4:41] Well, was he in Bounce?

[4:42] He was in Dogma.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] Okay, there you go.

[4:45] What they found was a bunch of dogma.

[4:48] Well, that doesn't make sense.

[4:49] Mall rats sounds better.

[4:50] It makes more sense than mall rats.

[4:54] Would you want to find a bunch of mall rats just scurrying around in your movie?

[4:58] No.

[4:59] Point taken, I guess.

[5:00] Thank you.

[5:01] The Great Wall is a true story, I believe, about how China's Great Wall was constructed to stop monsters.

Stuart Wellington

[5:09] But we'll get into it.

[5:09] Well, no, but the movie opens with the text crawl where they say, you know, there's all these legends about it being made.

[5:17] This is one of them.

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] And then we zoom into, we're in outer space, and we zoom into the Earth, and we see the Great Wall of China from space, which is, of course, a fallacy.

[5:25] You cannot see it from space.

[5:26] I'm just going to put my foot down right now.

[5:29] People have been saying that.

[5:30] But when they zoom into it, it's a super CGI wall.

[5:33] They didn't even bother to shoot the real Great Wall.

[5:35] I don't think they were allowed to.

[5:37] Why wouldn't?

[5:38] Tourists are taking pictures of it all the time.

[5:40] Fly a helicopter around there, just get a bunch of shots.

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] Yeah, but they get, like, monster blood all over it.

[5:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:45] Good point.

[5:45] I don't tell them to shoot the action scenes there.

Stuart Wellington

[5:47] And they insisted that Willem Dafoe was in the movie, and they're like, we can't allow him on our property.

Elliott Kalan

[5:53] That's true.

[5:54] I forgot.

[5:54] He's not allowed in China for various reasons.

[5:58] So I guess he's just a castaway, much like his ancestor.

[6:02] His namesake, yeah.

[6:03] His ancestor, Johnny Dafoe.

Dan McCoy

[6:07] What a weird place to go with that joke.

[6:10] How many other people have their name Dafoe?

[6:13] Is there a Johnny Dafoe?

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] No, it's a made-up thing.

Dan McCoy

[6:17] It was a failed joke, Dan.

[6:18] All right.

[6:19] Daniel Dafoe.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] You want me to commit seppuku?

[6:21] Because that's a Japanese thing, not a Chinese thing.

[6:24] You're a racist.

[6:25] All right.

[6:26] Okay.

[6:26] Audience is back on my side.

[6:28] Okay.

[6:29] I did it.

Dan McCoy

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:30] Beat up on Dan, and you'll get the audience back on your side.

[6:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] Anyway, let's start the movie, shall we?

[6:37] Because the movie's starting, and it's a thrill ride that we're just going to have to hold on to until we let go.

[6:42] And get bored.

[6:44] Now, there's horsemen in the desert fighting.

[6:47] Bearded Matt Damon, who, is his accent supposed to be Irish?

[6:50] His accent, I believe, is supposed to be Irish.

Stuart Wellington

[6:52] I kind of liked it.

[6:53] You know, my relationship with Matt Damon's a complicated one.

[6:58] But I'll never forget turning on my DVD player and hearing him sing the song of the summer, Scotty Doesn't Know, in the movie Euro Trip.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:09] People love me now.

[7:11] Yeah.

[7:12] Stuart's the favorite.

[7:14] Matt Damon has an accent in this that I didn't even realize was supposed to be Irish until Dan told me he was offended by this Irish accent.

[7:20] What?

[7:20] It sounds to me like a mix between Canadian and, like, stereotypical Native American.

[7:25] Because he's like, Matt Damon's like, we're going to go into China and we're going to find this black powder.

[7:32] We'll carry enough black powder back to make our way in Europe.

[7:36] Okay, everyone.

[7:37] And I was like, where is he supposed to be from?

Stuart Wellington

[7:40] They don't stop talking about black powder in this movie.

[7:44] It's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] They love it.

[7:46] It's like, I don't know, I guess pop rocks were a new thing at the time.

[7:50] Yeah, yeah.

[7:50] Everyone still thought that the Mikey Likes It kid killed himself with him.

[7:55] That didn't happen.

[7:56] He became a successful audio recording engineer.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] I thought he killed himself in Vietnam.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] Killed himself in Vietnam?

[8:01] Yeah, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[8:02] He went over there and he's like, I can't take it.

[8:05] I can't take it.

[8:06] The things I've seen.

[8:07] This is the last.

[8:08] It's the friendliest fire, killing yourself.

[8:11] Boo.

[8:13] Oh.

[8:13] Boo.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] Oh, Dan.

[8:16] Wow.

[8:16] Oh.

[8:18] Talk about Euro trip.

[8:20] I just figured.

Dan McCoy

[8:21] These people didn't come to hear that.

[8:23] Anyway.

[8:23] I just figured I'd take a heel turn.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] So bearded Matt Damon is with his sidekick, Pero, which is, I only know that name because

[8:33] I looked it up because I couldn't figure out what his name was and I just kept calling him

[8:36] in my notes Matt Damon's friend.

[8:38] And Game of Thrones crossover, he's played by Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones.

[8:44] Oh, okay.

[8:45] Anyway, they narrowly escape the bandits with a clever ruse in which they send some horses

[8:49] in a different direction and the bandits chase those.

[8:52] But they're Westerners.

[8:53] It's the Middle Ages.

[8:54] They're looking for this legend of this black powder.

[8:56] We know it as gunpowder.

[8:57] They don't even know what guns are.

[8:59] They just call it black powder.

[9:00] And they want to find it so they can come back and make a mint.

[9:05] Now, Matt Damon also carries around a big lump of magnetic rock because he thinks he can

[9:08] make a compass out of it.

[9:10] And in this, he reminds me, he reminds me like one of my friends in high school.

[9:15] He and his dad bought an old DeSoto.

[9:16] And they're like, we're going to fix this up someday.

[9:18] And it just sat in their driveway for years.

[9:22] Untouched.

[9:23] And that's kind of, I imagine Matt Damon's been carrying this rock around for years.

[9:26] He's like, don't, no, no, don't throw that away.

[9:27] I'm going to make it a compass.

[9:29] And his friend is like, Matt, you've been saying for four years you're going to make this into

[9:33] a compass.

[9:34] Like, give it up.

[9:35] Buy a compass.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] That's one of the money, money, oh man.

[9:41] One of the many things mentioned in the goofs section of this movie's IMDb page is one of

[9:48] the many, like, mistakes.

[9:50] And they say, like, some fellow I'm sure is saying, like, magnets and compasses were already

[9:57] common in China, nobody would care.

[9:59] I don't know why they don't have more magnet rocks.

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] Good point.

[10:04] I mean, someone really took down the historical accuracy of this movie where the Great Wall

[10:10] is built to keep demon monsters out.

[10:13] Glad they did it.

[10:14] Anyway, they're camping out one night and a monster attacks them in the dark.

[10:19] And we don't get much of a sense of it, except that Matt Damon manages to chop off one of

[10:23] its arms.

[10:24] And he's like, whoa, what?

[10:26] And he's like, I'm going to take this with me.

[10:28] He's like, I'm taking this arm.

[10:29] I'll turn it into a compass someday.

[10:32] This will make a rad backscratcher.

[10:34] I just got to, like, I guess stiffen it up with lacquer or something and straighten it

[10:37] out.

[10:37] Uh-oh.

[10:38] I'll get to it, guys.

[10:39] And he throws it on the wagon full of junk he's been pulling with him for hundreds of

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[10:44] miles.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] Anyway, it's not the most well-staged attack, I would say.

[10:48] It was kind of hard for me to understand what was going on.

Stuart Wellington

[10:50] I think he was tired from killing his buddies.

[10:52] It killed a couple buddies first and just left, like, blood.

[10:56] Yeah.

[10:56] So it was probably pretty beat when it ran by Matt Damon and let its arm get chopped

[11:01] off.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] It was, there was a, there's a, there's something about it where, you know, the moment in Star

[11:05] Wars.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] I'm just gazing into your eyes, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[11:08] I just got lost.

[11:09] You know, Dan was suddenly just lost in time and space.

[11:13] Uh, you know the moment in Star Wars where, tragically, Ponda Beba gets his arm cut off by that

[11:18] terrorist Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[11:20] And it's, like, super fast, whoa, rah!

[11:22] And an arm falls.

[11:23] And you're like, what just happened?

[11:25] This is kind of like that, except you're like, wait, what?

[11:28] Like, what just happened?

[11:29] Whose arm is that?

[11:30] Why?

[11:31] I don't understand.

[11:32] But you're going to find out.

[11:33] Don't worry, because they soon reach the Great Wall, which is covered with, like, archers and

[11:38] armor, and Matt Damon and his sidekick surrender, and the soldier runs through the ranks calling

[11:44] for a lady commander, Commander Lin, who's played by Jing Tian from Kong Skull Island.

[11:51] And I learned this while doing my research for the movie, that for this movie and a couple

[11:56] others, she won the Golden Broom Award, which is the Chinese version of the Razzie.

[12:02] And I found it, like, super cool that the Chinese, I don't like.

[12:05] Because they hate brooms in China.

Stuart Wellington

[12:06] Yeah, they throw brooms at you if you do a bad job on stage.

Elliott Kalan

[12:11] And I just love the idea that the Chinese have their own version of the Razzie.

[12:14] That makes me very happy.

[12:14] I messed that up.

Stuart Wellington

[12:15] For some reason, I thought you'd throw raspberries at people when they make a bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[12:20] Oh, that'd be, you please throw delicious raspberries at me if you're unhappy with the Flop Out

[12:25] show tonight.

[12:26] I would be, I don't know.

[12:27] I'd eat them up.

[12:28] You'll know what you're asking.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] I don't think that's going to work out the way you want it to, Dan.

[12:30] No?

[12:31] I know in your mind you're just catching raspberries in your mouth.

[12:34] I'm just going, nom, nom, nom.

[12:35] You know?

[12:36] More like none, none, none, as none of those raspberries land in your mouth.

[12:39] And they get on your pants, and it looks like you're peeing blood.

[12:44] Or like you chopped the arm off a monster.

[12:47] Anyway, there's a bunch of scenes in this movie of this special Chinese army called the

[12:53] Nameless Order, which guards the wall and protects it from monsters, just getting into

[12:58] position.

[12:59] This movie loves seeing soldiers in armor getting into position and just marching along

[13:04] and clattering color-coded armor.

[13:05] And the first time this happened, I was like, this is awesome.

[13:08] There's blue armor soldiers.

[13:09] There's like green armor soldiers, red armor soldiers.

[13:12] It's like medieval Power Rangers, except there's thousands of them.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] I love that this movie literally makes you a child again.

[13:20] You're like, colors.

Stuart Wellington

[13:23] I like that all the armored characters really never take their armor off.

[13:27] Never.

[13:28] There's even a shot where this guy is cooking in the kitchen with his armor with an apron

[13:32] over it.

[13:33] And he takes it off.

Elliott Kalan

[13:35] There's like, I wish there was a scene where someone is in the bath in their armor.

[13:39] I don't even know.

[13:41] Like, he's putting a pair of pants on, like pajamas over his armor.

[13:46] Alas, no.

[13:47] Anyway, Matt Damon shows up with his buddy.

[13:51] They show them the claw.

[13:52] And the Nameless Order is like, we expected these monsters, but not so soon.

[13:57] Oh, no.

[13:57] This is nine days early.

[14:00] Amazon Prime lied to us about when these monsters were going to show up.

[14:03] And we're not ready.

[14:04] The rec room's not ready for these monsters to stay in.

[14:08] And Commander Lin, the lady commander, and I only say that because there's this one cadre

[14:13] of lady soldiers in it and the rest are all dudes.

[14:15] And the lady soldiers are, of course, the best of them.

[14:18] And they're kind of like hoop, bungee jump-based spear stabbing soldiers.

Stuart Wellington

[14:21] It's like you're fishing, fishing for monsters with these warriors.

[14:24] I don't know if either of these explanations makes it clear what these people do.

Dan McCoy

[14:30] There are ladies who put harnesses on who jump off the wall with spears, and they bungee

[14:35] into these monsters and spear the monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[14:38] It's like if Cirque du Soleil did an all-lady Moby Dick, and instead of a whale, it was monsters.

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:44] Like, that's, how does it get, how can it be clearer than that, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[14:48] And though they're fairly successful, they're not always successful, because there's a lot

[14:51] of shots of monsters, like ripping them in half.

[14:54] And then there's one shot of a guy, like, lazily just tossing their harnesses into a big

[14:59] bloody pile.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] Well, I prefer to think it was like they retired their harness like an NBA player's jersey in

[15:05] the rafters.

[15:06] It's like, we'll just keep this here to remember my clink.

[15:09] But anyway, no sooner has Matt Damon delivered this claw than Commander Lin says, I don't trust

[15:17] them.

[15:18] Throw them in the stocks.

[15:19] And that's when the war drums start beating.

[15:22] And they bring out these enormous, like, steampunk anti-siege engines, and like, incredible, it's

[15:27] just so elaborate when they show them preparing for battle.

[15:30] Like, half the movie is just like battle prep.

[15:33] They should have called this movie Battle Prep.

[15:35] The movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] Sequel to Battletoads, the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:39] And this is when I felt really bad, because, so there's a strategist, Strategist Wang, who's

[15:44] played by Andy Lau, who I love.

[15:46] I didn't even recognize that it was him, I think because he was wearing a hat the whole

[15:49] time.

[15:50] And I didn't, I couldn't see his hair, so I didn't know it was him.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] He played the same role that Matt Damon played in Infernal Affairs and, you know, the one

[15:58] that Matt Damon was in that was based on that.

[16:00] The Departed.

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:01] Thank you.

[16:03] But that's weird, right?

[16:03] Because they're all in Basted.

[16:04] They both played the same character and they're in the same movie.

[16:06] Do you think they talked about it?

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] I imagine when they first met each other, they looked at each other, and then one went

[16:11] like this and put his hand up, and the other put his hand up, and then they did the

[16:14] whole mirror routine.

[16:16] And then when they touched each other, they turned into a blob, like at the end of Time Cop.

[16:20] When the two Ron Silvers touch each other, somewhat affectionately, and turn into a blob.

Dan McCoy

[16:25] I've never seen the end of Time Cop.

[16:27] Do the two Ron Silvers make out with each other?

Elliott Kalan

[16:30] No.

Stuart Wellington

[16:30] I mean, it depends on your definition of making out.

Dan McCoy

[16:34] Is making out being turning into a CGI blob and then disappearing?

[16:37] So I've got my idea for my Time Cop web fiction.

[16:41] You haven't even finished the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[16:43] I guarantee you that Time Cop story must exist already.

[16:48] Where Ron Silver meets Ron Silver, and they're like, oh, Ron Silver, you're so attractive,

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[16:53] and we both have this scar that you got in the earlier scene.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] Oh, Ron Silver.

[16:58] Maybe I was too specific about my knowledge of Time Cop there.

[17:00] You're both in blue steel.

[17:02] Oh.

[17:03] Anyway, Matt Damon and his buddy, they marvel at how incredible this army is.

[17:07] And a lot of the movie is these two Westerners being like, China's really great.

[17:11] China's, look at how great these Chinese people are.

[17:13] Which is like, not a bad thing.

[17:14] I don't know.

[17:15] Whatever.

[17:15] But it turns out, there are times when it's like, there are times when the message of the

[17:20] movie is a little overt.

[17:23] About, you know, we've really got a lot we can learn about from these Chinese guys.

[17:26] And like, I'm sure we can, but come on.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] We should work together and make more movies, et cetera, et cetera.

Dan McCoy

[17:31] We've got a lot to learn about killing monsters from these Chinese people.

Elliott Kalan

[17:34] There is a little bit where it's, I almost wish they'd had Matt Damon go like, hey, if

[17:40] these guys ever get movie making technology, I want to see it.

[17:43] And I'll read subtitles.

[17:45] You know what?

[17:46] Even though I'm a Westerner, I want to watch these movies.

[17:49] I hope they make more tent bowl summer mainstream action films.

[17:53] And his friend is like, what are you talking about?

[17:54] But it sounds amazing.

[17:57] Anyway, here's what they're defending against.

[18:00] Because here's when the monsters show up.

[18:02] They're like the demon dogs from Ghostbusters.

[18:05] If?

[18:05] If their eyes were on their shoulders.

[18:07] Strange placement, but go on.

[18:09] It's very, it's very Wayne Barlow in terms of its design.

[18:12] For anyone who's familiar with fantasy and science fiction artist Wayne Barlow.

[18:15] And there's a lot of them.

[18:17] There's like, it's one of those things where they're like, there's probably 50,000 of these

[18:21] monsters.

[18:22] And you're like, where are these monsters hanging out in between attacks?

[18:26] Because what you learn is that every 60 years, these monsters show up.

[18:29] And it's like, so are these monsters just kicking back somewhere?

[18:33] Like having like a Sturgis rally for 60 years?

[18:36] Somewhere in the Mongolian plains?

[18:39] Dan, explain.

Dan McCoy

[18:42] There's a monster convention that they go to where all the monsters get together.

[18:46] And they talk about monster stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[18:47] Like all monsters or just that kind of monster?

Dan McCoy

[18:49] No, it's all monsters.

[18:51] And it lasts a while.

[18:53] They talk about clawing.

[18:55] They talk about biting.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] Mashing, et cetera.

[18:58] Gnashing of teeth.

[19:00] Yeah.

[19:00] And then it's like, out come the weapons.

[19:02] Flaming catapult bombs.

[19:04] You've got your bungee attack lady spear fighters that we talked about.

[19:07] And it turns out the soldier monsters, who are all men, they're drones, are controlled by

[19:10] a big queen monster, which basically looks like a brood.

[19:14] It's just, at this point, they're like, let's just take a brood and we'll just give it like

[19:17] a frill like the Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park.

[19:20] Would mash them up.

[19:21] Who cares?

[19:22] So lazily ripping off things.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] Now, with these monsters, there's so many of them.

[19:29] I would expect them to be like super easy to kill, but they're kind of tough.

Elliott Kalan

[19:33] It kind of depends on who.

Stuart Wellington

[19:34] Unless you've got a magnet rock, in which case they are immediately docile.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] Because she, the queen, communicates with them with her vibrating forehead flap.

[19:43] And they find out that this magnet, it interrupts the vibration waves that she uses to communicate

[19:49] with them.

[19:50] And again, she communicates by vibrating a flap on her head and making sound.

[19:53] This communication can go over thousands of miles, it seems.

[19:56] Like hundreds of, it's crazy.

[19:58] It's basically telepathy.

[19:59] But anyway, a monster gets on the wall.

[20:02] Matt Damon kills it and saves a Chinese soldier, who I learned after looking it up.

[20:05] The guy, everyone in this is a big star in China.

[20:08] This guy who plays like a cowardly Chinese soldier who becomes a hero and learns his courage

[20:12] and eventually sacrifices himself, sadly, to save everybody else.

[20:15] According to Forbes last year, he was the 37th highest earning celebrity in China, which

[20:21] is pretty big.

[20:22] Yeah.

[20:22] That's pretty high up there.

[20:24] In terms of celebrities in Dan, in America, Dan, where are you?

Dan McCoy

[20:27] In terms of celebrities in Dan, I'm number one.

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] Highest earning celebrities in Dan.

[20:33] What would you say in America?

[20:34] You're number like, what?

Dan McCoy

[20:37] Celebrity?

[20:38] Yeah.

[20:39] Like a million, two million and three, maybe?

[20:43] Exactly.

[20:43] Okay.

[20:43] This guy's way more famous than you.

Stuart Wellington

[20:45] I mean, he's playing the role that if this was another movie, DJ Qualls would be playing

[20:49] this character.

[20:50] Yes.

[20:50] Exactly.

[20:51] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[20:53] America's 37th most popular celebrity.

[20:56] DJ Qualls.

[20:57] Just trying to put it into perspective for you guys.

[20:59] Not most popular.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] 37th highest earning.

[21:01] DJ Qualls has had a number of insanely strong investments.

[21:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:05] And he's got a side DJ business that he makes a lot of money off of.

[21:09] Huge.

Elliott Kalan

[21:09] All those ASCAP fees.

[21:11] Yeah.

[21:12] Anyway, the Westerners, they turn out to be pretty good at demon fighting.

[21:15] Because, of course, it's Matt Damon.

[21:16] Matt Damon.

[21:17] Big demon.

[21:18] Maybe they know each other.

[21:20] And Willem Dafoe is watching from the shadows as I assume he does everything.

[21:24] Oh.

[21:25] Yeah.

[21:26] He's playing a creep?

[21:27] Weird.

[21:28] And he's playing a creepy Westerner who's been there for years.

[21:31] They won't let him leave.

[21:32] But he really wants to leave.

[21:33] But his first thing he tells them is, hey, bathe and shave.

[21:36] You guys got a BNS.

[21:38] And so they lose their beards.

[21:39] Matt Damon is now the cutie smooth face that we know him as.

[21:43] Matt Damon proves he's a super cool archer with a trick he pulls off with a bowl.

[21:48] Yeah.

[21:48] He's like a barred bowman.

[21:49] I literally.

[21:50] A regular Hawkeye.

[21:51] I literally put.

[21:52] He goes, I'm unbeatable with my bow.

[21:54] And I literally wrote in my notes, archery skills contest.

[21:58] I was excited.

[21:59] Nope.

[21:59] Too soon.

[22:00] Matt Damon does one CGI enhanced trick.

[22:03] And the archery section is over.

[22:06] Everyone else is like, they're all eating in the mess hall.

[22:08] And the other guys are like, that's pretty cool.

[22:10] Back to our grub.

[22:13] Very disappointing.

[22:14] Anyway.

[22:15] And the movie's trying for like a witty kind of raiders type thing with a lot of them.

[22:18] But it's a little leaden, I felt like.

[22:20] We'll get to that later.

[22:21] The commander and Damon, they share backstories.

[22:24] He was a mercenary boy.

[22:25] He's had to fight for his whole life for bad things.

[22:27] So now he doesn't trust anybody.

[22:29] And she's like, this whole nameless order is based on trust.

[22:32] We've got to trust each other.

[22:33] And if we don't trust each other, who are we going to trust?

[22:36] Dan?

[22:38] Ghostbusters?

[22:39] That's that.

[22:40] As long as.

[22:41] Well, ghost trusters.

[22:43] Yeah.

[22:44] I guess it would be just people who tell their secrets to ghosts.

[22:48] The subtitle.

S4

[22:49] Now don't tell anybody, Gozer, that I'm still a virgin.

[22:55] And Gozer the Gozerian is like, your secret is safe with me.

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] Let me just lock it behind this door.

[23:02] Slimer, I've got a crush on Brian.

[23:04] Don't tell him, though, okay?

[23:06] My mouth's going to be too full of hot dogs to tell anybody anything.

[23:08] I'm Slimer.

[23:09] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[23:10] No, I was just going to say.

[23:12] I can't follow that.

[23:14] But I was going to say that the subtext of the movie is spelled out that obviously.

[23:18] Like, it is like, hey, you've got to trust someone.

[23:20] No, I can't trust anyone.

[23:21] But you've got to trust someone.

[23:22] No, I can't trust anybody.

[23:24] I'm going to go over here and not trust people.

[23:26] All right, well, you'll just be over there not trusting someone.

[23:27] Yes, thank you.

[23:28] I trust people, though.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] There was less talk about trusting people in the movie The Trust.

[23:33] Yeah.

[23:35] Anyway, Willem Dafoe says, like, let's escape.

[23:38] I know where the black powder is.

[23:40] When the monsters attack, we'll just skid-addle out of here.

[23:43] We'll just blow a hole in the wall and get out of here.

[23:45] The tactician Wang is like, your magnet rock can help us.

[23:48] Strategist Wang.

[23:49] Strategist Wang.

[23:50] And he says, a meteor fell from the earth.

[23:52] Now it's a meteorite.

[23:53] I know.

[23:53] Sorry, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[23:54] I know the difference between meteor and meteorite.

[23:56] And these monsters came out.

[23:59] And every 60 years, monsters are attacking us.

[24:02] Time for another fight.

[24:03] It's another battle.

[24:04] Some monsters get on the wall.

[24:06] There's a big phalanx.

Stuart Wellington

[24:07] Is that the one where they shoot the monsters with whistle arrows so he knows where they're

[24:11] coming from?

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] That's a little later.

[24:13] Okay.

[24:14] But to get there, we just have to skip past a funeral for a character that, frankly, I

[24:17] couldn't remember who he was.

[24:19] Oh, right.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:20] There's a lot of drums and voices and flaming hot air balloons that go up in the air.

[24:24] And the music is kind of like a Chinese Peter Gabriel, in a way.

[24:29] Anyway, Matt Damon is like, I want to capture one of these demon animals so that we can test

[24:35] that magnet rock on it.

[24:37] And his friend is like, let's just go.

[24:38] Why are we helping them?

[24:39] And he's like, nah, I'm going to help.

[24:41] He doesn't trust anybody, but I think he's got a thing for that Commander Lin.

[24:44] Dan, what do you think?

[24:45] That's possible.

Stuart Wellington

[24:45] Or maybe he just wants even more black powder.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] We'll see.

[24:49] That's possible.

[24:50] Maybe it's a long con.

[24:51] There's a big fight.

[24:52] The wall reveals that it has huge scissor blades for cutting monsters in half when they're

[24:56] climbing up the wall, which was pretty amazing, even though it must be the most unwieldy weapon

[25:00] to use.

[25:03] And they're fighting, and Matt Damon starts commanding them.

[25:07] You can just call him Matt.

[25:08] Not anyone I know named Matt.

[25:11] He starts commanding them, and it's like, Matt Damon, didn't you just meet one of these

[25:15] monsters for the first time like two days ago?

[25:17] But suddenly he's like, isolate it from the others.

[25:19] We'll get that one.

[25:20] Long story short, they capture one, and they test the magnet rock on it, and it works.

[25:27] Great.

[25:27] Once the magnet rock is there, those monsters just fall right over.

[25:31] And they go, let's use this to stop them.

[25:33] And some guy who I don't even remember seeing before that moment in the movie goes, he's an

[25:38] envoy from the Emperor.

[25:39] He goes, I'll bring this to the Emperor.

[25:41] His sages will investigate it, and they leave.

Stuart Wellington

[25:44] And when that character showed up, I'm like, oh, he's going to be the bad guy.

[25:48] But he isn't.

[25:49] He doesn't do anything for the rest of the movie.

[25:50] No.

Elliott Kalan

[25:51] He's just incompetent later, I guess.

[25:53] Matt Damon, his friend, and Willem Dafoe leave and knock him out in the process as he's

[25:57] trying to stop them.

[25:58] He gets accused of stealing the black powder, even though his friends are gone, and he was

[26:02] knocked unconscious and is just lying there.

[26:05] It's all part of his clever scam, Elliot.

[26:07] Doesn't have any black powder on him.

[26:09] It's like, the evidence here is not very strong.

[26:12] I guess what I'm saying is, for Matt Damon, at least, there was no collusion.

[26:16] Anyway, he gets locked up in the desert.

[26:20] Willem Dafoe betrays Matt Damon's friend.

[26:23] Are you going to trust the guy who helped you betray your friend?

[26:26] Come on.

[26:26] What are you doing, Matt Damon's friend?

[26:28] You got to trust that face, right?

[26:30] That smile.

[26:32] That baby face.

[26:34] That smile like a thousand shadows falling.

[26:40] But Willem Dafoe eventually gets his comeuppance as he's captured by bandits who blow him

[26:47] and themselves up to kingdom come when they accidentally let a bomb fall into their campfire.

[26:51] It's not even like...

[26:52] They're performing some kind of campfire follies.

[26:55] They're like...

Dan McCoy

[26:56] Yeah, they're juggling gunpowder, literally.

[26:59] And the gunpowder falls into the...

[27:00] But it's not like this needed to be resolved.

[27:04] This plot point.

[27:05] It was like, this doesn't affect the main thrust of the movie at all.

[27:09] It was like the screenwriter was like,

[27:11] all right, these characters have left the movie.

[27:13] What can we do with them?

[27:15] What if they just blow up?

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] But Matt Damon's friend doesn't blow up.

Dan McCoy

[27:19] Matt Damon's friend does not blow up.

Elliott Kalan

[27:20] Just Billy Dee.

Stuart Wellington

[27:21] And those dumb bandits.

[27:23] And the bandits.

[27:24] Maybe they're trying to say something bad about bandits.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] But the movie bandits taught me that bandits are lovable.

Dan McCoy

[27:30] Yeah, the movie BMX bandits taught me that Nicole Kidman was going to be a big star someday.

Elliott Kalan

[27:35] That's what the movie taught you?

[27:37] That was the message of the movie?

Dan McCoy

[27:39] That was the end of the movie.

[27:40] There was a crawl at the end being like,

[27:43] By the way, Nicole Kidman, actress in this movie, is going to be a big star someday.

[27:47] And I was like...

Elliott Kalan

[27:47] Buy shares in Nicole Kidman now.

[27:49] Yeah.

[27:51] I know you think, like, a kid who's also a man?

[27:54] This is impossible.

[27:56] But it happened.

[27:57] Australia.

[27:59] Anyway, they find out that they're going to send some hot air balloons to the capital

[28:04] to warn the capital of the empire, the Chinese empire.

[28:07] It's not the Star Wars empire.

[28:08] Come on, guys.

[28:09] That monsters are coming their way.

[28:11] It turns out they secretly breached the wall.

[28:13] They let Matt Damon go so he can warn the world,

[28:15] even though up to this point,

[28:17] they've treated the whole thing like a secret that can never be told to anyone ever.

[28:21] And I never quite understood why that was,

[28:23] where it's like, we're under attack from monsters.

[28:25] Our very existence is in peril.

[28:27] Don't tell anybody.

[28:30] We do not want help.

[28:31] They're going to think we're losers.

Stuart Wellington

[28:33] Yeah, because he shows up, like, at the beginning of the movie,

[28:35] he and his buddy show up and see this great wall,

[28:37] and it's like, I mean, it's supposed to be pretty great.

[28:41] Like, he would have heard about it, right?

[28:43] It's huge.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] It is big.

[28:44] I'm just wondering, like, if they had gotten the word out,

[28:47] like, maybe other people would come to help him,

[28:49] and maybe they have someone who's better at hunting monsters.

[28:51] Like, hey, guys, maybe I can stop some monsters.

S4

[28:56] Sebastian Stallone just walked into the room.

[28:59] Elliot had to go, but I picked up on what he was saying.

[29:02] What the hell?

[29:03] And I heard you guys were in my hometown of Philadelphia, PA.

[29:08] Is that your hometown, or is it just Rocky's hometown?

[29:11] At this point, we're one and the same.

[29:15] I'm so far gone, I don't know which of his memories or which of mine.

[29:21] Anyway, I was here running up and down the steps of that art museum.

[29:24] Someday I'll have the courage to go inside.

[29:29] But until then, I'm a little intimidated by their collection of Marcel Duchamp's work.

Dan McCoy

[29:34] Now, what is it about Marcel Duchamp's work in particular that intimidates you?

S4

[29:38] Well, he really made us question the concept of what art is.

[29:43] It's like if a urinal can be art, anything can be art.

[29:49] And he never finished his masterwork, The Bride Strip Bear by Her Bachelors, even,

[29:54] a.k.a. The Large Glass.

[29:56] And it makes me worry that someday I'll leave something unfinished.

[30:00] It seems like you know a lot about Marcel Duchamp's work already.

[30:03] I've been trying to psych myself up by researching him the way I would one of my opponents in the ring.

[30:10] Or perhaps the soldiers I'm sent to kill in a foreign country.

Dan McCoy

[30:15] Now, that raises an interesting point.

[30:16] How would you, as Sylvester Stallone, a.k.a. Rocky, a.k.a. Rambo, take down these monsters?

[30:23] A.k.a. Tango.

[30:25] A.k.a. what?

[30:28] Tango.

[30:29] Tango, of course.

[30:30] Oh, thanks, Elliot.

[30:30] And Judge Dredd.

S4

[30:31] The gay penguin.

[30:32] The gay penguin.

[30:33] Tango, star of the book, Tango makes three.

[30:36] I guess technically Tango was the kid of the gay penguins, but you know.

[30:41] Let's not be, come on, put in the goof section, you know.

[30:45] But you were asking me a question about my monster fighting abilities.

[30:48] Yeah.

[30:49] Now, the crazy thing is in my many, many years as a cinematic action star, perhaps the greatest of all time, yes.

[30:58] I've never really fought a monster, unless there's a movie I'm forgetting at the moment.

[31:03] But I don't think so.

[31:05] Unless you consider crime a monster, and I do.

[31:12] But I think the way I do it is one of two ways.

[31:17] Or perhaps three.

[31:19] Yeah.

[31:20] Number one, punching.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] No, certainly your giant veins that bulge out of your arms would suggest that punching would be the A number one solution that you have for pretty much any problem.

[31:32] Name a problem.

[31:34] Pickle jar is an opening.

S4

[31:36] Punch it.

[31:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] How about systemic poverty?

[31:42] Punch it.

[31:44] Hey, poverty.

S4

[31:45] Stop being so systemic.

[31:47] I'm foul.

Stuart Wellington

[31:48] My jukebox isn't working.

[31:51] Is there anything you can do for that?

S4

[31:53] That's more of a Henry Winkler thing.

[31:56] I would punch the jukebox, but then I would be sued by Mr. Winkler, as I must refer to him, as the court case continues to wend its way through the appeals system.

[32:06] I say you can't copyright a move on a jukebox.

[32:10] But Mr. Henry Fonzarelli Winkler disagrees.

[32:16] It's been a number of years we've been fighting that one in and out of the court systems in many countries.

[32:21] I'm due to appear at The Hague.

[32:23] Wow.

[32:24] To testify on it.

[32:26] It seems like they'd have better things to do.

[32:30] So Punch it would be the first to fight a monster.

[32:33] Number two, do they do anything in the movie where there's a bomb and they shoot an arrow at it and the bomb goes off?

Dan McCoy

[32:41] They do actually do something very similar to that.

[32:43] All right.

S4

[32:43] Well, I guess I don't have that.

[32:45] That's not a new idea.

[32:46] Okay.

[32:47] Number three, take the monsters and tell them, you know what's a great idea?

[32:54] Make a comedy with Estelle Getty.

[32:56] Right.

[32:59] They will never survive.

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] I barely did.

S4

[33:04] And the stories I have to tell about that radiant woman, Estelle Getty.

[33:09] I guess if she hadn't been such a charismatic old bitty, and I say bitty in the most respectful way possible.

[33:16] Sure.

[33:16] I wouldn't have made the movie.

[33:17] I would have been like, stop.

[33:20] Don't shoot the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[33:23] Saw the wheels turning on that one.

S4

[33:25] Which is a play on the title.

[33:27] And probably number four, I'd use guns.

[33:29] All right.

[33:30] Well.

[33:31] I realized I had a fourth way to do it.

Dan McCoy

[33:34] Yeah.

[33:34] Well, thanks.

[33:34] Did they have guns in the movie?

[33:35] No.

[33:36] They mostly had it.

S4

[33:37] Well, black powder.

Dan McCoy

[33:38] Yeah.

[33:39] They had arrows.

[33:40] They had black powder.

[33:41] They had spears.

[33:43] Put them together.

[33:43] Figure it out.

[33:44] Yeah.

S4

[33:45] Did they have any cannons?

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] Well, they had balls that they like dripped in juice and then lit them on fire and threw them at things.

[33:52] Sounds pretty delicious.

[33:53] Yeah.

[33:54] I'd have that.

S4

[33:56] So, I guess what I'm saying is, who do you think would win in a fight?

[33:59] Me or Matthew Damon?

Stuart Wellington

[34:00] Oh, wow.

[34:01] That's a good one.

[34:02] Because he was the fighter, right?

[34:04] No.

[34:05] Dan?

[34:06] No.

[34:07] No.

[34:08] He wasn't the fighter?

[34:09] No.

[34:10] No.

[34:10] Wait.

[34:10] Was he invincible?

[34:12] No.

[34:13] I don't believe he's made a boxing joke.

[34:15] Was he in Transformers 4?

[34:17] No.

[34:18] Who am I thinking of?

[34:21] I'm thinking Marky Mark, guys.

S4

[34:22] Multiple.

[34:24] All right.

[34:25] So, me is what you're saying.

[34:28] Yeah, you would win in a fight.

[34:29] And you say that.

[34:31] It has nothing to factor into that decision that I'm right here and could rip your head right off your shoulders.

[34:36] Which I've done.

[34:38] I mean, this isn't being recorded, right?

[34:41] Wait.

[34:41] You've ripped my head off of my shoulders?

[34:44] Let's not be stupid, Daniel.

[34:46] Thank you.

[34:55] This is my town.

[34:56] And I don't appreciate you deliberately misinterpreting my words.

[35:03] As if the context of my statement was not clear.

[35:09] I'm sorry, Mr. Stallone.

[35:10] Here, in the place our country was born.

[35:14] All right.

[35:14] That country, Stalloneania.

[35:17] Right.

[35:18] And by hour, I just met me and my brother, Frank.

[35:23] So, what else are you guys doing?

Dan McCoy

[35:24] I don't want to rush you off, Mr. Stallone, but we're nearing the end of the time a lot as we're talking about the movie.

S4

[35:32] Oh, well, I guess I'll just jetpack.

[35:35] Boom.

[35:37] Thank you for being here.

[35:38] Oh, guys, I'm back.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] Thank you for coming.

[35:40] What did I miss?

[35:43] Hey, Elliot.

[35:44] What did I miss, guys?

[35:45] You will never guess what you missed.

[35:47] First off, how do you feel about Tostitos?

Elliott Kalan

[35:51] They're great.

[35:52] Restaurant quality.

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] Because you miss Sylvester Stallone again.

Elliott Kalan

[35:57] Oh, nuts.

[36:01] There's no other way to put it, really.

[36:02] Yeah.

[36:02] Yeah, yeah.

[36:03] I just keep missing him.

[36:04] Anyway, let's just cut to the end of this movie.

[36:06] Let's cut to the end.

[36:07] There's a big battle in the capital.

[36:09] The queen shows up over there, called there by her one drone that was brought there because, foolishly, they take the magnet rock away from him to see how far away it can be before the queen knows he's there.

[36:20] They all get to the capital.

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] After blowing up a whole bunch of hot air balloons.

Elliott Kalan

[36:25] They get into hot air balloons.

[36:27] They ride hot air balloons there.

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] But they start to fill them up.

[36:30] And I'm like, okay, so that's the plan.

[36:31] And then all of a sudden, they're all on fire.

[36:34] And I'm like, did I miss something?

Elliott Kalan

[36:36] They're just not very good hot air.

[36:37] It's the weird movie that's like, this is something that China contributed to the world.

[36:41] Trust in each other.

[36:42] Working together as a team.

[36:43] That's the Chinese philosophy.

[36:44] We're not very good at hot air balloons.

[36:46] But let's move along.

[36:48] It's like, let's be honest.

[36:49] Here's three strengths and a failing of Chinese society.

[36:52] You want a group effort that's going to save the day?

[36:56] Come to China.

[36:57] Hot air balloons?

[36:58] Hey, we're not putting on airs.

[37:00] Pun intended.

[37:01] All right.

[37:03] But they go there.

[37:04] They battle through the sewers.

[37:07] They go up into a stained glass tower.

[37:09] Yep.

[37:09] And Matt Damon shoots an arrow at the one domesticated animal.

[37:13] The one domesticated demon.

[37:14] One domesticated animal.

[37:15] The one dog that lives there.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] And his name is Farfall.

[37:19] Fuck you, Farnsworth.

Elliott Kalan

[37:23] The one demon they took and they put a bomb on him.

[37:26] He gets up to the queen to help feed the queen.

[37:29] Because the queen eats by eating the regurgitated food that all her drones find.

[37:34] Which is kind of gross.

Stuart Wellington

[37:36] But pretty great.

[37:37] Because she eats while these drones vomit in her mouth.

[37:41] And all the other drones run around her in a circle.

[37:44] Yeah.

[37:46] That's how I like to eat.

[37:47] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] Anyway, they manage to blow them up.

[37:52] The queen gets blown up.

[37:53] A bunch of monsters get blown up.

[37:54] And all the monsters which have been crawling up the tower, climbing up all the buildings.

[37:58] Super scary.

[37:59] They suddenly stop and freeze.

[38:01] And then they just fall backwards.

[38:03] And it looked like nothing more to me than like a rain of rubber bath toys.

[38:08] Like they looked so fakey rubbery when they were falling.

Stuart Wellington

[38:11] While I was watching, I'm like, I think they have a new resource that's better than black powder.

[38:17] It's piles of demon bodies.

Elliott Kalan

[38:19] They're everywhere.

[38:20] Like I kind of wish the movie was one third demon fighting.

[38:23] And two thirds the sanitation department dealing with all these demons everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[38:27] I like the idea, Stuart, that like you go back to that village.

[38:30] And like there's just like houses built out of demon bodies now.

[38:33] It's our most populous resource.

Stuart Wellington

[38:38] It's the best thing we've got.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] Yeah.

[38:40] Eat them up.

[38:40] Yeah.

[38:41] We're going to eat for weeks on these demons.

[38:43] They're like, great, demon meat.

[38:44] Delicious.

[38:45] But those things, they don't have refrigeration yet.

[38:46] They're just rotten in the sun.

[38:48] Terrible.

[38:48] Anyway, that's what real life, sorry, I ripped apart the silver screen movie magic.

[38:53] But that's what it's really like when monsters are just falling dead in your streets.

[38:56] It's cool for like a week.

[38:58] And then it's, this is stinky.

[38:59] Let's move it out of here.

[39:00] That's why after King Kong fell in the street, they cut him up and served him to the homeless.

[39:07] That's what else are you going to do?

[39:08] This is Times Square, the crossroads of the world.

[39:11] Broadway.

[39:11] You can have a big stinky ape corpse lying down there.

[39:14] People are trying to get in to see Hamilton.

[39:18] I don't think so.

[39:19] Dear Evan Hansen, this gorilla is stinking up the joint.

[39:23] It's like, what are those guys in the great comet of the thing?

[39:27] 1912.

[39:28] Yeah.

[39:29] Their names, Pierre and Natasha and the giant ape corpse.

[39:31] Broadway.

[39:32] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[39:32] Yeah.

[39:33] Hello Dolly with Bette Midler.

[39:35] Yeah.

[39:35] Playing now.

[39:36] Coming to New York.

Elliott Kalan

[39:37] Oh, here.

[39:38] So can I complain about something?

[39:39] Philadelphia, you don't care about this.

[39:40] This is a New York thing.

[39:42] I was in the Broadway area recently.

[39:43] By all means.

[39:44] And there was a poster for Hello Dolly with Bette Midler.

[39:48] I'm sure it's a great show.

[39:48] David Hyde Pierce is in it.

[39:49] I've seen him on stage.

[39:50] Oh, yeah.

[39:51] In the show Curtains.

[39:52] He was great.

[39:52] Frasier.

[39:53] TV's Frasier's brother.

[39:55] And it said in big letters, the greatest musical ever.

[40:00] And it was like, hold on.

[40:03] Beloved, maybe.

[40:05] There is no one saying Hello Dolly is the greatest musical ever.

Stuart Wellington

[40:08] Elliot said this for 20 minutes to anybody who walked by.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] He stood outside being like, that sign is a lie.

[40:18] Don't believe it.

[40:19] Fake news, everybody.

[40:19] You would think that they could not put it on a sign.

[40:21] You would think that the sign would reject the paint.

[40:23] But no.

Elliott Kalan

[40:25] No.

[40:25] I'm surprised this building didn't burn itself down to rip the lies off its skin.

[40:31] Hashtag fake news.

[40:33] But so anyway, they save the day.

[40:35] Matt Damon finds his friend in jail and frees him rather than take the black powder.

[40:40] And he's going to go take him home.

[40:41] But there's a hint of a romance of brewing between him and Commander Lynn.

[40:45] And it's hinted Matt Damon may come back to that Great Wall soon.

[40:48] Maybe for the sequel, Great Wall 2, Great Wall Babies.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] But not really, because this movie was a tremendous flop.

Elliott Kalan

[40:55] It was a big hit in China.

[40:57] Yeah.

[40:58] Other countries, not as much.

Stuart Wellington

[41:00] It was the most expensive movie made in China, or made Chinese movie, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[41:05] It was, I think, the most expensive backed by Chinese.

Stuart Wellington

[41:07] Although most of it was shot in New Zealand because they, as I said, couldn't film on the

[41:12] actual Great Wall because of Willem Dafoe.

[41:14] So they could film on New Zealand's Great Wall?

Dan McCoy

[41:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:18] They built a new Great Wall in New Zealand.

[41:20] I don't know where I'm going with this joke.

[41:24] Smog's there.

[41:25] Whatever.

Dan McCoy

[41:26] So many hobbits died building that Great Wall.

[41:30] So we should do a wrap it up.

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] Since we're way over time and these people are tired, yeah, let's do wrap it up.

[41:36] Let's do final judgments.

Dan McCoy

[41:37] Do our final judgments of this movie.

[41:38] Da-da-da-da.

[41:39] A good-bad movie.

[41:40] A bad-bad movie.

[41:41] Or a movie we kind of liked.

[41:43] I'm going to go first.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] All right.

[41:45] It's your prerogative.

[41:47] Assign yourself the majority opinion, Chief Justice.

Dan McCoy

[41:52] This movie was super generic except for the fact that it's directed by, and I'm going

[41:58] to butcher the name, I think it's Zhang Jimo.

[42:03] Zhang Emu?

[42:04] Yeah.

[42:05] Okay.

[42:07] Who directed House of Flying Daggers and Hero.

[42:11] And so it looks beautiful.

[42:12] House of Flying, yes.

[42:13] Beautiful.

[42:13] And House of Flying Mirth.

[42:16] Yes.

[42:17] By Parker Posey and Edith Ward.

[42:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] By Parker Posey and Edith Ward.

[42:22] And they collaborated on that script?

Dan McCoy

[42:23] They collaborated together on those scripts.

[42:24] Anyway, you're saying.

[42:25] So expect a little bit more out of it.

[42:27] No, I was going to say that what's good about it is that it's got visual flair.

[42:32] Like, the movie is very basic.

[42:36] It's just a monster movie about people trying to, like people, about monsters.

[42:41] Who are people to, guys?

[42:42] Come on.

[42:43] About monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] If you're implying that Chinese are not people.

[42:47] No.

[42:48] Then I must take offense at that, sir.

[42:50] I'm implying that monsters are also people.

[42:53] Who's the real monster in this case?

[42:54] The intolerance in your heart?

[42:57] But you're right.

[42:58] It's a pretty basic action monster movie.

Dan McCoy

[43:01] Yeah.

[43:01] About people defending a wall.

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] It's weird that in a movie called The Great Wall, which is about defending a great wall, the climax of the movie does not take place at the wall.

[43:09] That they leave the wall and go to a city.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] And the wall is almost entirely secondary.

[43:13] Like, the wall doesn't seem to actually be a bulwark to these monsters.

[43:17] It just seems to be a thing for them to climb over.

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:22] It's just a tall fort.

Dan McCoy

[43:24] But what I was going to say is, like, it's beautiful looking.

[43:27] And you combine, like, a basic inoffensive story with a beautiful looking film.

[43:34] And I kind of like it at that point.

[43:36] Like, it just pushes it slightly into, like, yeah, all right.

Elliott Kalan

[43:41] I wouldn't be minus.

[43:43] You wouldn't kick that movie out of bed.

[43:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:47] So that's what I have to say about that.

[43:48] What do you guys think?

Stuart Wellington

[43:49] Yeah, I think I'm with you.

[43:51] This is a movie that approaches a movie I kind of like.

[43:54] I thought the monsters were kind of weird.

[43:57] And they were way overpowered.

[44:00] What were they called?

[44:01] The Tao Te?

[44:03] I think so, yeah.

[44:03] The Tao Te.

[44:04] Yeah, so the Tao Te were pretty great.

[44:06] I like that scene at the end where they're flying around in the hot air balloon.

[44:11] I like when they're flying in the giant stained glass tower.

[44:14] I like it when things barf into the mouth of another thing.

[44:17] Just as a general rule.

[44:21] Just as a general rule.

[44:23] Not even just in movies.

[44:24] In real life sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] You look up when Stuart's like, hey, I want to show you something on YouTube.

[44:29] And all the recommended videos on the side are all just like, mama bird feeds baby bird.

[44:35] Frat party gone out of control.

[44:37] Yeah.

[44:39] That one scene in Stand By Me.

[44:46] So, yeah.

[44:47] Movie I kind of liked.

[44:48] It's like almost there for me.

[44:50] It was a movie that I wished had a little bit more unique quality to it.

[44:54] Because then I think I would have liked it more.

[44:56] But it's not bad.

[44:57] And it's not laughable.

[44:59] And, yeah.

[44:59] Even though the monster designs, I was like, I see the parts that went into that design.

[45:03] They got eyes on their shoulders.

[45:04] That's weird.

[45:05] You know, you got to stab them in the shoulder and their eye hurts.

[45:07] And they're like, ah!

[45:09] Like, that's pretty cool.

[45:10] But it was like the promise of the beginning of the movie where it's all these color-coded soldiers in bright armor tromping around on that wall, getting ready for monsters to attack them.

[45:21] And then later they use giant scissors to cut monsters in half.

[45:25] It just, like, never fulfills that promise.

[45:27] So, I'm like, movie, come see me after class.

[45:32] It's like that scene in, what was that movie called?

[45:36] Boy Story?

[45:36] The one.

[45:37] Toy Story?

[45:38] Oh, Boyhood.

[45:40] It was like in Boyhood.

Dan McCoy

[45:41] Boyhood.

[45:42] You thought it was called Boy Story.

Elliott Kalan

[45:45] How inaccurate is it that I said?

[45:48] I mean, it's a movie about a boy.

[45:51] I didn't think it was called About a Boy.

[45:52] That's a different movie.

[45:54] They're all about boys.

[45:55] Let's hear it for the boys.

[45:56] Anyway.

[45:58] There's that scene in Boyhood where the photography teacher is like, look, you got to start trying.

[46:02] You have talent, but you're not working hard enough.

[46:04] And you're not going to get work.

[46:06] You're going to lose it to people who are not as talented as you because you are not trying.

[46:09] And he's like, whatever.

[46:10] And I feel like that's the conversation I had with The Great Wall while I was watching it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:13] Do you think that the director, like, intentionally dumbed himself down?

[46:18] Because he's like, I need to appeal to Western audiences for, like, a blockbuster.

[46:23] I've got to make this kind of dumb.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] Maybe.

[46:25] Well, I think when you look at the screenwriting credits, it's all Hollywood people.

[46:28] And I think a Hollywood script was handed to them.

[46:30] And they're like, we want to do what Hollywood does.

[46:32] Just get Hollywood people to write a script.

[46:34] And that the Hollywood people were like, maybe not.

[46:36] I don't want to cast dispersions on anyone or motivations.

[46:39] But it feels like they were like, they want a big Hollywood blockbuster?

[46:42] Let's give it to them.

[46:43] Crank-a, crank-a, crank-a, crank-a, crank-a.

[46:44] Here you go.

[46:45] You know, there was somewhere that was missing that flair of inspiration.

Dan McCoy

[46:49] All right.

[46:49] Well, we...

Elliott Kalan

[46:50] That separates the great walls...

[46:52] Okay.

[46:53] ...from the merely good walls.

Dan McCoy

[46:56] We should move along.

[46:58] The show before us went on a little long, so we should...

[47:02] Now we're going real long.

[47:02] Yeah, we're going long.

S4

[47:03] The show after us is fucked.

S6

[47:11] Podcasts.

[47:12] Podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[47:14] They're audio programs that tell smart stories...

S6

[47:17] In innovative ways.

[47:18] Using editing techniques like this.

[47:20] Like this.

Dan McCoy

[47:21] Like this.

Dan McCoy

[47:21] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[47:22] But let's face it.

[47:24] All that smart stuff can be exhausting.

[47:26] That's where Stop Podcasting Yourself comes in.

[47:29] It's so stupid.

[47:30] It's just two stupid dinguses...

S6

[47:32] ...being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes.

Dan McCoy

[47:35] Stop Podcasting Yourself.

[47:37] The stupid show that smart people love.

[47:40] Find it on iTunes or MaximumFun.org.

[47:45] It's been a long time coming, but John Roderick finally has a podcast on the MaximumFun.org network.

Stuart Wellington

[47:54] The long wait is over.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] MaxFun Friends.

[47:59] I teamed up with these two unlikely nerds and their dumb Star Trek podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[48:07] And we talk about war movies, not just in a laudatory and salivating way, but we apply critical thinking principles to the multiple, multiple subtexts that are woven in every war movie.

S9

[48:25] And Sylvester Stallone specifically.

[48:27] It is not that.

[48:27] It is not that at all.

Elliott Kalan

[48:29] So go grab Friendly Fire every Friday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[48:36] Hey guys.

[48:39] Sorry to break into the live show, but it's time for everyone's favorite thing in the world, a Dan McCoy solo ad read.

[48:48] Oh boy.

[48:50] Is there anything better?

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[49:20] Our menu will feature two Whole30 approved recipes each week like seared steaks and warm lemon salsa verde with roasted broccoli and sweet potato.

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[51:19] We got a couple of Jumbotrons up on the screen before we get back to the Great Wall.

[51:27] First off, here's a podcast for you.

[51:32] 17-year-old Jennifer Dash leaves home to solve the world.

[51:37] As the world turns to chaos, she will meet heroes, villains, and gods of old.

[51:44] Neil Gaiman and Lewis Carroll meet Welcome to Night Vale in this 100-episode fiction podcast by Dante Stack.

[51:51] Merry Christmas, Dante, from your wife.

[51:54] Find Solve the World podcast on iTunes or DanteStack.com.

[51:59] Oh, that's a nice Christmas gift from Dante's wife.

[52:03] I hope you check out that 100-episode fiction podcast, Solve the World.

[52:09] That's a lot of episodes.

[52:13] That's my endorsement.

[52:15] That's a lot of episodes.

[52:17] Congratulations on numerical supremacy.

[52:22] And the second message is for, rather, Eddie, last name withheld, from Lisa, Emma, and Charlotte.

[52:30] So if you're an Eddie who knows a Lisa, Emma, and a Charlotte, that might be your last name withheld.

[52:38] And they write,

[52:39] Yeah, Stuart is so mercurial that he's not here.

[53:02] I mean, it would be a little weird that he would be here right now, since I'm doing these messages solo, having just gotten home from work, in anticipation of posting a live episode.

[53:14] If he was in my house, just say, like, I don't know, showering or something, that would have been strange.

[53:20] Not unwelcome, but strange.

[53:23] Anyway, enough of my futile attempts to make my voice alone sound interesting.

[53:30] It's time to get back to the, I believe, Philadelphia, is that where we were?

[53:36] Episode with Great Wall.

[53:40] See you soon.

[53:41] We've got about, I think we've got about 15 minutes, maybe, for questions from the audience.

[53:47] I don't know why you're looking at me.

[53:49] I thought maybe you remembered where the microphone was.

[53:52] Which side of the stage?

Elliott Kalan

[53:53] The microphone is going to be right down there.

S5

[53:56] Hey, Peaches.

[53:57] I just wanted to thank you for all the relatively free content that you've given over the years.

[54:02] Oh, you're welcome.

[54:03] Relatively is right.

[54:04] I mean, it's free to you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:05] I don't understand what you mean, relatively free.

[54:07] No, no, it's the price he's paying with his soul.

[54:09] Let him ask his question, Dan.

[54:11] And that's the other thing.

[54:13] We're so glad you guys are here.

[54:14] Don't worry about fluffing us.

[54:16] Come on, you know.

[54:17] You don't have to thank us.

[54:18] You came here and came to see us.

[54:20] Let's ask the questions, huh?

[54:21] But thank you.

S5

[54:22] You're welcome.

[54:23] Oh, and I'm Sean.

[54:25] Last name we've held.

[54:25] Hi, Sean.

[54:26] Hi, Sean.

[54:27] Sean Michaels, the wrestler.

[54:29] Oh, really?

[54:30] Yeah.

[54:31] Okay.

[54:32] With Kellyan, Kellyan, Elliot, Kaelin leaving for L.A., Stu and Dan,

[54:37] what are you two going to miss most about having Elliot in the proverbial flop house?

[54:42] Aw.

Elliott Kalan

[54:44] Aw.

[54:45] Here it comes.

S4

[54:46] Praise aplenty.

Elliott Kalan

[54:48] I'll just bask in it.

Dan McCoy

[54:51] I feel like you're going to be disappointed in the first thing that came to my mind,

[54:55] which is I'm going to miss seeing Elliot absolutely dismantle the chicken.

[55:01] If you...

[55:03] It's gross.

[55:04] It is.

[55:04] It's gross.

[55:05] It is like the scene in a cartoon where a cat gets a fish, puts it down its gullet,

[55:12] and then pulls out a perfect fish skeleton.

Stuart Wellington

[55:15] It's like the scene when, like, a hardened assassin is breaking down all of his weaponry.

Dan McCoy

[55:22] But also, like, there are fewer bones than you would expect once he's done.

[55:26] He has clearly eaten half of the bones.

Elliott Kalan

[55:29] This is something my son has a lot of pride in.

[55:33] He'll eat, like, a drumstick, and then he goes, Daddy, you can have the bone.

[55:37] And he's like, I want to see you eat the bone, Daddy.

[55:40] I'm like, with pleasure.

[55:42] Yeah.

[55:43] And I say to him, someday, son, I'm going to teach you the secrets of how to do this.

Stuart Wellington

[55:47] And one thing that I think what Sean was implying is also what I'm going to be looking forward to now that Elliot's gone

[55:55] is we're going to be able to record with Dan's cat Archie actually in the room

[56:03] as opposed to crying sadly in the other room while Elliot laughs and taunts Archie.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] I do a lot of this.

[56:11] What's that, Arch?

[56:12] I can't hear you through the door.

Dan McCoy

[56:15] Yeah.

[56:16] Elliot has been pretending to be allergic to cats all this time just because he hates them.

[56:22] He's just, this is, he's gaslighting Archie.

Elliott Kalan

[56:27] Yeah, so I can get his jewels.

[56:30] That was a great question.

[56:31] I loved it.

[56:33] Next question, please.

S6

[56:35] Hi, peaches.

[56:36] My name is Neil, last name withheld.

[56:38] Hi there.

[56:38] I actually saw my first live show of you guys in Brooklyn when you did Fifty Shades.

[56:43] And I took my mom because, I don't know.

[56:47] I love being embarrassed.

[56:48] Because you like awkward rides home.

[56:50] We kind of didn't look at each other during the whole thing.

[56:53] She said she enjoyed it, kind of.

[56:56] She was like, your humor, their humor was soft.

Elliott Kalan

[56:59] You don't have to qualify it for us.

[57:01] Honestly.

[57:02] Honestly.

[57:02] That's the way I feel about the show.

[57:04] That's better than my mom feels about the show.

S6

[57:08] So, basically I wanted to know, like, I think that introduction went pretty well.

[57:12] I don't think she would listen to one on her own.

[57:14] I think maybe if I made her listen to it, she would.

[57:17] Is there something, yeah, she has to.

[57:20] She's legally obligated.

[57:21] Is there something that you tried to introduce to your parents that, like, whether it be a movie

[57:26] or a TV show or something that you were like, oh my God, they're going to love it.

[57:28] And then at the end they were like, well, um.

Stuart Wellington

[57:34] I got really excited when the movie About Schmidt came out.

[57:38] Because I really liked it.

[57:40] And so I'm like, mom and dad, you've got to watch About Schmidt.

[57:43] They hated it.

[57:44] For some reason a movie about a man growing old and losing his mate just didn't connect with them.

[57:52] Is it that it didn't connect with them?

[57:54] Or maybe it connected, are you saying it connected too much?

[57:58] Possibly.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] Because sometimes when we touch the honesty, it's too much.

[58:03] Dan, you recommend a lot of hardcore pornography to your parents.

[58:07] A lot of hardcore what?

[58:08] Pornography.

[58:09] What other hardcore would it be?

[58:13] A lot of hardcore cat videos.

[58:18] A lot of hardcore hockey.

[58:21] Dan, you recommended hardcore Henry to your parents.

[58:25] How did they feel?

Stuart Wellington

[58:26] I can't believe it took you that long to get to the hardcore.

Dan McCoy

[58:28] Hardcore Henry.

[58:30] I think I may have said this on the podcast already.

[58:32] So I'm, I just, I was always in charge of like, I was the guy who was sent to rent a movie because I liked reading movie reviews.

Stuart Wellington

[58:40] By the way, Dan, if they show hardcore Henry on FX, do they have to call it softcore Henry?

Dan McCoy

[58:45] Oh!

Stuart Wellington

[58:48] You can finish your story.

[58:49] You can finish your story.

[58:50] I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[58:50] No, there's not much to the story.

[58:52] I remember like cycling to the store and picking up, my pick was Wayne's World.

[58:59] And I brought it home.

[59:00] That seems like a family crowd pleaser.

[59:02] No, yeah.

[59:02] And my parents were just like, why did you get Wayne's World?

Stuart Wellington

[59:06] They're already familiar enough with Wayne's World.

Dan McCoy

[59:09] My parents are like academics, like Anglophile academics.

[59:13] And so they're just like, what is this?

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] But they like Wayne's World.

[59:17] Yeah, it's a funny movie.

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:19] I remember my mom was when Hedwig and the Angry Inch came out on DVD.

[59:25] She was just like, should I watch this?

[59:26] I was like, it's great.

[59:27] She did not care for it.

[59:29] Couldn't finish it.

[59:30] The other story I want to tell is not me recommending, but I had a weird conversation with my dad years ago where he goes,

[59:35] he goes, you ever heard of this movie Dead Rangers?

[59:38] And I'm like, yeah, definitely.

[59:40] It's great.

[59:40] He's like, so stepmom and I rented it the other night.

[59:45] Like, can you explain us why someone would watch that?

[59:48] And I was like, all right.

[59:50] I don't think I can, Dad.

[59:51] I don't think I can explain that to you.

[59:53] But for years I've been like, why did they rent Dead Rangers?

Stuart Wellington

[59:57] It's not like the box art is that compelling.

[59:59] No.

[59:59] It's not like a Bores Valaiso painting or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:04] Or even Julie Bell, at least.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:06] We should move on.

[1:00:07] Thank you.

[1:00:08] Thank you very much.

[1:00:11] You got some mic wrangling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:15] Brendan, last name with help.

[1:00:16] Hey, Brendan.

[1:00:17] I really enjoyed your Adventure Zone crossovers.

[1:00:20] Oh, thanks.

[1:00:20] And I was wondering.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:24] Some people did not.

[1:00:27] Their names were Reddit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:31] And I was wondering if you guys could ever see yourself doing an RPG again and maybe something

[1:00:37] like Feng Shui 2 that is built to have more improv and create the setting of an action movie,

[1:00:44] something like that.

[1:00:46] Yeah.

[1:00:46] So you're referring to the tabletop role-playing game Feng Shui.

[1:00:51] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] Where you get to recreate like an action movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:57] Well, I'm always trying to get these guys to do fun stuff like that with me.

[1:01:01] But it also is a lot of work.

[1:01:04] Especially if you're trying to make something that people can listen to.

[1:01:08] And if there's one thing that made me respect Griffin McElroy more than anything, it's having

[1:01:14] to do that show and then the amount of stress that I put up with and the amount of work

[1:01:19] I had to put into it.

[1:01:20] This isn't funny at all.

[1:01:21] I'm sorry.

[1:01:22] But I mean, I'm assuming I'll probably be able to convince them to do something once a year.

[1:01:29] But I think that's about all, right?

[1:01:30] It's difficult to schedule.

[1:01:32] But maybe.

[1:01:32] You never know.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:33] Dan likes role-playing.

[1:01:36] I'm coming around on it.

[1:01:37] Of a certain type.

[1:01:38] I'm coming around on it a little bit.

[1:01:39] I feel like I might.

[1:01:42] Your buddy Vin Diesel fucking loves it, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:45] Come on, man.

[1:01:45] Are you cooler than Vin Diesel?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:47] No.

[1:01:47] For being the only person in the Flophouse with actual improv training, I am the weakest

[1:01:52] person when it comes to doing character stuff on those things.

[1:01:56] So that's why I feel a little gun-shy, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:59] Well, you just got to imagine.

[1:02:01] You got to pretend that you're an orc or something.

[1:02:06] Thanks for that advice.

[1:02:07] That's the secret.

[1:02:08] That's just a trick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:08] You shouldn't reveal that secret.

[1:02:11] Thanks for the question.

[1:02:12] Next question, please.

S5

[1:02:13] What's up, dudes?

[1:02:15] I'm Willie Ewell, bank account information withheld.

[1:02:17] And I wanted to know, in a theoretical movie about God and the devil, what horrible

[1:02:22] unfit actors would you guys like to see play those roles?

[1:02:26] Hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] Like for Shock Failure, where it's like, I can't believe that's the person they cast

[1:02:29] for that.

[1:02:30] I got to see this movie.

[1:02:31] About, yeah.

[1:02:32] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] Who is terrible, like, bad casting for God and the devil?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:37] It's so hard for the devil because I feel like everything's kind of been tried.

[1:02:41] Like, this kid is the devil.

[1:02:42] Or like, this, this like, funny guy or this goofy guy or this sexy lady or this old lady

[1:02:48] or this young lady.

[1:02:49] Like, it's, I feel like everyone's been tried for the devil.

[1:02:51] So maybe like a chair?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:54] What about that guy you hate from the Big Bang Theory?

[1:02:57] What about him as the devil?

[1:02:57] Jim Parsons?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:58] Well, he is the devil.

[1:02:59] So that's not, that's not casting.

[1:03:03] Just kidding.

[1:03:05] I just don't love that show.

[1:03:06] But, and he played God on Broadway already, Jim Parsons.

[1:03:08] Did he?

[1:03:09] Yeah.

[1:03:09] And David Jabberbaum's hit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:11] I don't want to see Jared Leto play either of them.

[1:03:15] Unless, what if he played both of them?

[1:03:17] Oh.

[1:03:18] Oh, I'm listening.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:20] I thought you were talking about like a True West sort of thing where he switched the roles every night.

[1:03:24] With himself?

[1:03:25] Yeah, with himself.

S4

[1:03:27] I would think like.

[1:03:28] So there's just empty space on stage with him every night?

[1:03:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:31] I was thinking more of like a Two-Face thing where like half his hair is in like crazy cornrows or something.

[1:03:37] Yeah.

[1:03:38] Like in Panic Room.

[1:03:40] Yeah.

[1:03:40] And the other half is crazy and burned up.

[1:03:44] Like in Panic Room.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:48] Yeah.

[1:03:50] I don't think we have much more to say about that.

[1:03:52] So let's move on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:53] Consider that question unanswerable.

[1:03:54] Next question, please.

[1:03:55] First off.

[1:03:56] Wow.

[1:03:57] Can't believe I'm seeing the Flophouse guys.

[1:03:59] Wow.

[1:04:00] We're so glad you're here.

[1:04:02] Wow.

[1:04:04] Philadelphia.

[1:04:06] Wow.

[1:04:08] I'm John.

[1:04:08] Is that a lot of lightsabers?

[1:04:11] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:12] What?

[1:04:13] A lot of lightsabers sounds.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:15] Yeah.

[1:04:15] That's what lightsabers sound like.

[1:04:17] I'm John.

[1:04:17] If anyone has any videos about it, please send them to us.

S7

[1:04:20] John's trying to ask us a question.

[1:04:21] Sorry.

S7

[1:04:21] I apologize.

[1:04:22] I can't believe I'm actually trying to shut down Elliot.

[1:04:24] Wow.

[1:04:24] Yeah.

[1:04:25] I'm John.

[1:04:26] Blessing withheld.

[1:04:27] I just watched the Cronenberg fly again for the bajillionth time.

[1:04:31] And afterwards, I found myself just so repulsed by any house fly anywhere.

[1:04:37] What was the last time?

[1:04:38] Before you loved them.

S4

[1:04:38] Yeah.

[1:04:39] Before I just loved them.

[1:04:40] Before you were like, hurray, to dinner.

[1:04:42] So repulsed.

S7

[1:04:43] You're like, come on over.

[1:04:44] Let me share my food with you.

[1:04:45] And that was just the mark of such a great horror movie for me is I could see it so many

[1:04:49] times, but still be repulsed by this thing that it was about.

[1:04:52] Like, what are some things like that for you guys?

[1:04:55] Like an ordinary household thing that you could be repulsed by by a movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:00] I would say I remember after I saw the movie Cabin Fever, I got like really nervous about getting

[1:05:08] a disease, like a flesh eating disease.

[1:05:11] That's not really a household thing.

[1:05:13] Hopefully.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:15] Hopefully.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:17] But yeah.

[1:05:18] So that's my only answer is I don't want to get a disease.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:23] I mean, after one of the things I loved about It Follows was that I was kind of afraid of

[1:05:26] everything afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:31] Jeez.

[1:05:31] I don't know.

[1:05:32] Like whenever anyone tries to commit suicide in a movie, I'm just like, oh boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:39] So common household item, suicide.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:42] No, I just like, it's like, as a depressed person, I'm, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's

[1:05:50] very good that I look at that and I'm just like, not for me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:55] I agree, Dan.

[1:05:56] That is very good.

[1:05:57] Sincerely.

[1:05:57] I'm very glad you feel that way.

[1:05:59] Yeah.

[1:06:02] Yeah.

[1:06:03] If that ever changes, please.

[1:06:05] Please call us.

[1:06:06] Please call us.

[1:06:07] If you start, if you're like, like, please get into it.

[1:06:12] Don't touch.

[1:06:12] Otherwise, don't bother calling us.

[1:06:16] Hey there, guys.

S5

[1:06:17] Sam, last name withheld.

S9

[1:06:19] There's a big fighting game tournament going on this weekend.

[1:06:21] So it made me curious.

[1:06:22] If you guys were characters in a fighting game, what would your super special finishing

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:28] move be?

[1:06:30] I guess, I mean, just do what you can go.

[1:06:32] I was going to ascribe that your moves are basically Phoenix Wright's moves from the

[1:06:36] Marvel vs. Capcom game.

[1:06:38] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:06:38] Where he's like, just talking a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] But of course, let's not forget my specialist move of all.

[1:06:47] When I sing and sing and sing after watching a movie like The Great Wall.

[1:06:54] Sometimes you just have a song in your heart that you gotta get out.

[1:07:00] Especially when it's the end of a fight.

[1:07:03] And they tell you to finish him and you go, all right.

[1:07:06] But the thing that you want to do the most is sing.

[1:07:10] Because it's your favorite thing.

[1:07:13] When you're finishing a fight.

[1:07:15] Every night.

[1:07:16] It's all right.

[1:07:18] When you finish a fight.

[1:07:19] To sing in the light.

[1:07:21] Or the dark of the night.

[1:07:23] I mentioned night before, but I'm using that word again.

[1:07:27] So what kind of move did you want to do, Dan?

[1:07:29] Again and again, because I can.

[1:07:30] And so I'd sing them to death after the fight.

[1:07:33] It's gonna be cool.

[1:07:35] Then I'll fly a kite.

[1:07:36] And I'm running out of words off the top of my head.

[1:07:41] That rhyme with fight.

[1:07:44] So they'll be dead.

[1:07:45] That rhymes with head.

[1:07:47] Thanks, guys.

[1:07:49] Oh, thank you.

[1:07:54] I think we got another question.

[1:07:57] You know, sometimes you sing a song.

[1:07:59] Oh, shit.

[1:08:00] And you worry how we all the hits will take it.

[1:08:02] We want to get through as many questions as we can.

[1:08:05] I get to be on this show all the time.

[1:08:07] And yet I'm eating up all the time.

[1:08:09] Yes, please.

[1:08:10] Sorry.

[1:08:10] Next question.

S8

[1:08:10] Hi.

[1:08:11] I'm Anna.

[1:08:13] Last name is Al.

[1:08:14] And in the years I've been listening, I've had many.

[1:08:17] Sorry?

[1:08:17] In the years that I've been listening to the show, there have been many questions I've thought about writing in, but I've forgotten them all.

[1:08:26] So instead, I have something I'd like to give you, fellas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:30] Oh, awesome.

S8

[1:08:34] Yeah.

[1:08:38] It's my birthday tonight, but I'm giving you a present.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:41] Oh, wow.

[1:08:42] Happy birthday.

[1:08:43] That's awesome.

[1:08:44] That's fantastic.

[1:08:46] Thank you for being here with us.

S8

[1:08:48] It's Prince.

[1:08:51] They go together as a set.

[1:08:53] Don Rose's blueprints for Scrooge McDuck's money bank.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] Yeah.

[1:09:07] That's going in the Hall of Trophies for sure.

[1:09:08] Yeah.

[1:09:12] Please.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:13] If you want, you can come up and give it to us now.

[1:09:15] Please.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:16] Yeah, yeah.

[1:09:16] Please come on up.

[1:09:17] Security, it's okay.

[1:09:18] Let her in.

[1:09:18] It's all right.

[1:09:20] Thank you so much.

[1:09:22] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:23] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:25] Oh, cool.

[1:09:27] We're going to be pouring over those later so we can beat the Beagle Boys to it.

[1:09:31] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:33] If we're not already too late.

[1:09:35] Thanks so much.

[1:09:37] That's awesome.

[1:09:38] That's great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:39] Dan, you don't like duck stuff, so I'll just hold on to it.

[1:09:42] Next question.

[1:09:44] I love duck stuff.

S9

[1:09:45] Hey, guys.

[1:09:45] Mark, last name withheld.

[1:09:47] I have money I can give you.

[1:09:48] I don't have anything to do with that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:50] No, no.

[1:09:50] Keep your money.

[1:09:51] After the show, give us the money.

S9

[1:09:53] Will do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:54] If anyone else has money, yeah.

S9

[1:09:58] I'm an eighth grade history teacher.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:00] I thought you were about to say you're in eighth grade, and I'm like, this is very late for you.

S9

[1:10:05] Very tall for my age.

[1:10:05] Very tall.

[1:10:07] And every year, universally, and I'm pretty sure that's with any eighth grader, they have terrible taste in everything, but especially movies.

[1:10:13] Every year I get, you haven't seen Haunted House 2?

[1:10:16] I'm like, why would I see that?

[1:10:17] It's the greatest movie ever.

[1:10:20] And I don't get a lot of wiggle room within the year to show them actual non-school-related movies.

[1:10:25] I somehow got Gremlins approved.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:28] Oh, lots of history in that one.

S9

[1:10:31] Right before winter break.

[1:10:33] But I was wondering if you guys had any gateway movies for like 13, 14-year-olds that could kind of get them maybe a little later on into actual good movies.

[1:10:41] So they actually have good taste.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:45] Have you ever thought about Gremlins?

[1:10:50] Good call.

[1:10:51] Good idea.

[1:10:52] Good call.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:52] I feel like all of the old Amblin entertainment movies were like that thing back in the day.

[1:11:00] Like E.T.?

[1:11:01] Yeah, E.T. and Gremlins.

[1:11:03] And like all this Spielbergian.

[1:11:07] Stand By Me?

[1:11:08] What about Stand By Me?

[1:11:09] That's a good one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:09] That's a good gateway for kids to watch movies that have no like fantastic element in them.

[1:11:13] Okay.

[1:11:14] Where it's just about kids.

[1:11:16] I certainly was shown it many times by my dad.

[1:11:19] And I'd be like, I saw that movie.

[1:11:20] Yeah, we're watching it again.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:22] I'm just like thinking of movies that I saw in school.

[1:11:25] And like I remember we watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

[1:11:29] And I'm like, what is the educational content of this?

[1:11:33] I guess it's making me like archaeology?

[1:11:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:36] And hate Nazis.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:38] I remember I watched 1776.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:42] That's great.

[1:11:43] I love the idea that they showed you that in school and you're like, I'm never going to use this.

[1:11:47] And then 40 years later, you have to choose between grails and you're like, oh, if only I'd paid attention in class.

[1:11:55] Which is the cup of a carpenter?

S4

[1:11:57] Oh, boy.

[1:11:58] Is it this bejeweled plate that's here for some reason?

[1:12:01] That's not even a cup.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:02] To weed out the really stupid explorers?

[1:12:07] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:12:07] That's a good question.

[1:12:09] That's a very good question.

[1:12:10] Stand By Me is a good response.

[1:12:12] Although I don't know if you can show it in school because there's swearing and stuff and throw ups.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:15] I mean, all those movies, like PG movies in the 80s were wild, dude.

[1:12:20] Like Teen Wolf?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:21] That's crazy.

[1:12:22] I feel like this is an old movie, but I feel like a lot of people I know were showing 12 angry men in school and really got into it in a way that they didn't with other black and white movies.

[1:12:32] And I'm not sure why that is, but that's a good one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:35] What about like Lawrence of Arabia?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:38] Yeah, show them a four-hour movie that's best seen in 70 millimeters on a screen at school.

[1:12:42] Are you saying it's not a good movie?

[1:12:44] They're watching shit nowadays.

[1:12:46] They can watch four hours.

[1:12:47] Actually, as long as you cut in closing credits every 45 minutes, someone will just sit and watch Lawrence of Arabia all the way through.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] Somebody whip up like a Lawrence of Arabia-like intro theme that's really catchy.

[1:13:00] Super emo, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:01] Yeah, well, like a Kimmy Schmidt type thing.

[1:13:03] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:13:04] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:06] Yeah, I think that's all we've got.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:08] I mean, it's better than my Gateway movie, which was when I was eight or nine and my dad showed me RoboCop.

[1:13:13] Better than RoboCop?

[1:13:15] No, no.

[1:13:15] I was just saying, like, that wasn't the most appropriate film for me to see.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:19] I think that we can stretch things and get through our whole line here.

[1:13:22] We've got just two more questions left.

[1:13:24] Nobody jump in at the last minute.

[1:13:25] Thanks, guys.

[1:13:27] Zach, last name withheld.

[1:13:28] Morris.

[1:13:29] So I used to spend a lot of time in a tour van as a musician, and one of the conversations that would come up a lot is the definitive ranking of the Fast and Furious film franchise.

[1:13:43] And I was wondering if I could have a couple seconds of your time to just answer this once and for all.

[1:13:50] Sure, yeah.

[1:13:51] So it just ends it, and I don't have to debate this with my now former bandmates anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:58] So, Elliot, you're the gearhead of the gang.

[1:14:01] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:03] I'm a real car talk.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:08] Do you want to do it at the same time together?

[1:14:10] Yeah, let's all do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:12] So number one's Fast and Furious.

[1:14:13] No question.

[1:14:14] You're crazy.

[1:14:15] There's two Furious for...

[1:14:17] Wait, you're just listing them in order?

[1:14:19] No, no, no.

[1:14:20] There's the Furious...

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:22] There's Fast, Furious, Seven Minutes in Heaven.

[1:14:24] That's the seventh one.

[1:14:26] And then there's like...

[1:14:27] Just the ten of us.

[1:14:28] That's a good one.

[1:14:29] Yeah.

[1:14:30] Six is it.

[1:14:32] It's really Christian, though.

[1:14:34] Fury.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:35] There was...

[1:14:36] Mad Max, Fast and Furious Road.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:39] Yeah.

[1:14:39] Fast $5 foot long.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:40] Which one does Vin Diesel come back for?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:44] This is Fast 40.

[1:14:45] Oh, wow.

[1:14:46] That was the 40th one.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:48] There's the Fast and the Furriest.

[1:14:49] That's where the furries just have an orgy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:53] But it's super...

[1:14:53] It's over quickly.

[1:14:54] Not always.

[1:14:55] Always.

[1:14:57] There's a...

[1:14:57] In this case, it was.

[1:14:58] There's a...

[1:15:00] The Fast and the Foodious.

[1:15:01] That's the Ray Kroc story with Michael Keaton.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:03] There's the...

[1:15:04] As the vulture.

[1:15:06] There's the slow and the sanguine.

[1:15:08] Yeah.

[1:15:08] That's...

[1:15:08] That was...

[1:15:10] That's probably not a very good one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:12] There was also, like...

[1:15:14] Mad Max meets Fast and the Furious Part 3.

[1:15:17] The Avenging.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:18] I feel a little bit like...

[1:15:19] When you bring, like, a soccer ball out and you're like...

[1:15:22] Hey, guys.

[1:15:22] Let's play soccer.

[1:15:24] They just kicked it over the fence.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:27] Everybody knows the best Fast and Furious movie is The Taking of Pelham 123 starring Walter Matthau.

[1:15:33] Just goes without saying.

[1:15:35] There's a subway chase at the end.

[1:15:36] But the train's just chasing itself.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:38] And I've seen all the Fast and the Furious movies and could not have less of an opinion on this man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:45] So let's...

[1:15:46] We answered that one.

[1:15:47] We've got one last question.

[1:15:48] I hope that settles the debate.

S10

[1:15:51] Well, that was really funny, so I almost feel bad because I'm about to be a total killjoy.

[1:15:56] Bring it down.

[1:15:57] Yeah.

[1:15:57] Killjoy.

[1:15:58] Last name with hell.

[1:15:59] Always leave him sad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:00] We laughed.

[1:16:00] Now it's time to cry.

[1:16:01] Showbiz.

[1:16:02] Maxim.

S10

[1:16:02] Not to be totally pedantic, Elliot, but I really took issue...

[1:16:06] No, please.

[1:16:08] I really took issue with your recommendation of Love and Anarchy, one of my favorite films.

[1:16:13] Mm-hmm.

[1:16:14] When you suggested that it was sort of a romanticization of prostitution or sex work,

[1:16:20] when I think that actually she is doing the exact opposite of that.

[1:16:24] Interesting.

[1:16:24] Where she is weaponizing femininity and weaponizing male desire against fascism,

[1:16:29] which is something that I think is like a really important reason why we should be watching that movie right now.

[1:16:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:16:35] And then also I think that some of the scenes you're talking about, she's actually mocking the directors that you're talking about,

[1:16:41] like mocking their fetishization of those women.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:44] Take that.

[1:16:45] No, I mean, it's a very fair point.

S10

[1:16:49] So I would like you to re-watch, or everyone, watch this movie.

[1:16:53] I mean, I'd re-watch it because it's a really good movie.

[1:16:55] Yeah, it's really good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] I think that there's, I think it's more that, that specific movie, I might have been reacting in that movie,

[1:17:00] to a certain strain of European film where it's like, you know what's the most fun place to be?

[1:17:07] A whorehouse.

[1:17:09] The guys are having fun, the girls are having fun.

[1:17:11] I guess like Fellini movies is what I'm talking about.

[1:17:13] Yeah, of course.

[1:17:13] Where as much as I like Fellini, he's like, and Billy Wilder to a certain extent, it's like, let's just face it.

[1:17:18] Women are never more fun than when they're prostitutes.

S10

[1:17:21] I think she's, and she's responding to that in that movie.

[1:17:24] Oh, okay.

[1:17:24] Maybe.

[1:17:24] So that's why I would suggest you watch it with that eye.

[1:17:27] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:27] The Johns in it are certainly like the butt of the joke, you know, for sure.

[1:17:30] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:31] So I don't want to interpret too much, but I'm assuming your question is, what's it like being so dumb, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:43] That's a fair point.

[1:17:44] And it wasn't pedantic at all.

[1:17:45] It would have been pedantic if you were like, actually, the title is The Incident That Took Place at the Such and Such Brasel at Such and Such Time,

[1:17:51] which is like the full Italian title, but I don't know it.

[1:17:54] That's too long.

[1:17:55] So fair point.

[1:17:55] I'm going to watch that movie again tonight, and you guys are watching it with me.

[1:17:59] And we're going to live vlog the whole experience.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:03] Anything to keep you guys quiet in the back of the car.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:07] Yeah.

[1:18:07] We're driving back home tonight, and that is what we're doing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:11] We're watching Love and Anarchy in the back, and then maybe some episodes of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.

[1:18:15] And Finding Dory.

[1:18:18] But that's a fair point, and I take it as such.

[1:18:22] So what do we do now on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:24] Now is the point of the podcast where we have to sadly say goodnight.

[1:18:27] Because we do, we are actually going back to New York tonight.

[1:18:32] So.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:33] Because we don't want to spend one more second in your stink town.

[1:18:37] Show's over.

[1:18:38] I don't have to pretend I like this hellhole anymore.

[1:18:42] Give me three good things Philadelphia ever gave the world.

[1:18:45] Can't say cream cheese, because I don't like that shit.

S4

[1:18:48] Someone yelled out Bill Cosby.

[1:18:55] Someone who has not paid attention to the news in several years.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:59] So thank you so much.

[1:19:00] Thanks for having us.

[1:19:01] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:19:03] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:04] Oh, wow.

[1:19:05] Elliot Kalin.

[1:19:06] That's me.

[1:19:07] Good night, Philadelphia.

[1:19:09] Maximum fun.

[1:19:38] dot org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

Ep.# 249 - The Great Wall LIVE

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