Ep. #259 - Fifty Shades Freed

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Fifty Shades Freed.

[0:04] That's right, we're free of the Fifty Shades of Grey series after this!

[0:08] The curse is broken!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] A lot of big energy coming out of Dan.

[0:41] This is Stuart Wellington.

[0:42] And over here it's Elliot Kalin, voice a little froggy because we're all tired.

[0:47] Yeah, let's draw back the curtain.

[0:48] We just had our GC live show last night and we were out until 2 because we're idiots.

[0:57] Definitely knowing we were going to record an episode the next day.

[1:00] And now we're huddled around a tiny table in a hotel room, closer than ever.

[1:06] Guys, this is what I want out of my life, hanging out with my best buds, my wife most

[1:12] likely going to come back into the room and yell at us for not being done recording yet.

[1:16] At some point you may hear the electronic- I don't know why I let her pack that rolling

[1:20] pin.

[1:21] Yeah, you're always telling Pat that she shouldn't get mad at you.

[1:28] You may hear at some point the electronic sounds of the door to Stuart's for some reason

[1:32] ADA-compliant hotel room opening up.

[1:35] I'm not saying hotel rooms shouldn't be ADA-compliant, I'm saying they should not go to Stuart,

[1:40] they should go to people who need them.

[1:41] Stuart is able-bodied.

[1:42] Boy, is he ever.

[1:43] Well, when I checked in, they were like, and Mr. Wellington, do you have any special needs?

[1:48] And I'm like, my desires are unconventional.

[1:52] They're like, fuck it, just give him that room.

[1:56] Do you have any special needs?

[1:58] Well, there's such a thin line between pain and pleasure.

[2:02] Mr. Wellington?

[2:03] I don't understand.

[2:04] I have such things to show you.

[2:08] My Cenobite name would be Sunglasses Face.

[2:12] I mean, doesn't- Doesn't Pinhead wear sunglasses?

[2:16] One of the other guys wears sunglasses, the fat one.

[2:19] Oh, Butterball does have sunglasses.

[2:22] Man, it's unfair that he gets two things.

[2:26] One of them being that he's fat?

[2:29] I mean, that's what his name is based around, unless the brand of sunglasses is Butterball.

[2:33] Some weird branding option for the turkey company.

[2:36] He's the heir to the Butterball turkey fortune.

[2:39] Every one of these rich families, and this will tie into Fifty Shades Freed,

[2:42] every one of these rich families has the black sheep who is the rogue of the family.

[2:47] And for the Butterball family-

[2:49] Tobias Butterball.

[2:50] It's Tobias Butterball who became a Cenobite and hangs out with his leather and pin friends.

[2:56] What's the name of the woman who talks to her vocal cords?

[3:00] I don't remember.

[3:01] Like, throat open?

[3:02] I know Chatterbox and Butterball, but I don't remember her name.

[3:06] And of course, Pinhead and CDhead in the later movies.

[3:08] Yeah, CDhead, he's really cool.

[3:10] And who is it? Julia?

[3:11] CDhead is like-

[3:13] Julia, right?

[3:14] Yeah, maybe Julia.

[3:15] Oh, man, she's fucking awesome.

[3:16] CDhead is like, this recording technology will never be obsolete.

[3:20] I'll always be on the cutting edge, isn't that right?

[3:23] Phillips CDI head and 3DO head.

[3:26] Yeah, he says cutting edge and then throws a razor sharp CD through somebody's chest.

[3:33] And they're like, this is not pleasure at all.

[3:35] It's only pain.

[3:37] And then they look down and they're like, oh, that's that Spindogger's record.

[3:41] I guess I do get pleasure from this.

[3:43] This is a Mobile Gold Fidelity CD.

[3:45] What a ripoff.

[3:49] Okay, guys, that's enough talk about Cenobites.

[3:53] I guess so.

[3:54] Cenobites, which I think we may have talked about, was the breakfast cereal version of Cenobites.

[3:59] It was Clyde Barker's Cenobites.

[4:01] You open up a box and instead of chains, cereal comes out.

[4:05] There's such a thin line between candy and breakfast.

[4:08] The sweet taste of Cenobites.

[4:13] Is that your Clyde Barker impression?

[4:15] That's what he sounds like.

[4:17] Famous English author Clyde Barker.

[4:19] He just kind of sounds creepy.

[4:22] It was a weird move for the Cookie Crisp dog to do those commercials also.

[4:26] Yeah, when he just shows up like chained to a wall.

[4:32] In a room that's like, this doesn't even seem like a film set.

[4:35] Did they just go into somebody's apartment?

[4:39] Oh, man, I love those movies.

[4:41] They're really good.

[4:42] Okay, speaking of good movies, what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[4:45] Well, we watch a bad one.

[4:47] Movie, that is.

[4:49] Movie, that is.

[4:51] And then we talk about it.

[4:53] They went on down to bad movies.

[4:55] Movies, that is.

[4:57] Bannons.

[5:00] I don't know why I would say that.

[5:03] Okay, so we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[5:06] And today we're going to do just that.

[5:08] Talk about a movie.

[5:09] Yeah, we were also huddled around Elliot's computer earlier watching Fifty Shades Freed.

[5:15] We really, you know, this show's a technological marvel, guys.

[5:19] We use computers.

[5:21] We're tapping phone lines.

[5:23] You know that that ain't allowed.

[5:25] We're tapping phone lines.

[5:29] As soon as we find out what a phone is.

[5:31] I mean, that's the magical realm.

[5:33] Yeah, that's the magical realm that Magic Tavern lives in.

[5:35] Oh, that's right, yeah.

[5:37] My mispronunciation really ruined my Talking Heads reference.

[5:39] We were all huddled around Elliot's computer, just the sheer sweat and heat of our bodies mingling together.

[5:46] So turned on by what we were seeing in the final third of the Fifty Shades trilogy.

[5:51] Now, to remind people what happens in the Fifty Shades movies, in the first movie we're introduced to Christian Grey, very rich.

[5:57] He's basically like Batman, if Batman, instead of being a superhero, was a masochist or sadist, he calls himself.

[6:05] I mean, he does dress up in a big rubber suit, so there's a little crossover.

[6:09] Batman does. Christian Grey doesn't.

[6:11] I mean, maybe.

[6:13] I mean, we don't see every aspect of his life, Elliot.

[6:15] Just because it's not on screen doesn't mean it's not part of the story.

[6:18] Good point. There's so much going on outside the frame.

[6:20] Christian Grey is a sadist.

[6:22] He meets Anastasia Steele, who is a seemingly normal woman who piques his interest and becomes his erotic obsession.

[6:30] And she is intrigued by his world of outre sexuality.

[6:35] And wealth.

[6:36] And wealth. And also that he owns a helicopter, a private jet, houses in every place in the world, fancy cars.

[6:42] And the second movie, what was it called? Fifty Shades Returns?

[6:46] Fifty Shades Darker.

[6:47] Fifty Shades Darker. Escaped to Fifty Shades.

[6:50] Fifty Shades Strikes Back.

[6:53] Return to Fifty Shades.

[6:55] Beneath Fifty Shades.

[6:57] Escaped to Fifty Shades Mountain.

[6:59] Fifty-One Shades of Grey.

[7:02] Because they added one more character.

[7:04] A hundred and two Dalmatians? How will they ever be able to deal with that?

[7:08] I mean, that's just going to make a bigger coat, right?

[7:12] She's got enough to make a little beanie, too.

[7:16] Yeah, she's got enough to make a little dice bag for her D&D game.

[7:20] You gotta assume when that hundred and second Dalmatian showed up, the humans were like, let's just give this one to Cruella.

[7:25] Like, how many of these damn dogs are we going to take care of?

[7:28] Yeah, yeah, drive it like Caltrops behind the car.

[7:33] So, in the second one, we are pulled even further into the world of lavish wealth and guiltlessness of the first movie.

[7:40] But also, Anna runs afoul of her boss, Hyde, who becomes...

[7:46] Jackal Hyde.

[7:47] Jackal Hyde, who becomes obsessed with her and with wanting revenge on Christian.

[7:52] And Christian breaks it off, so it seems, with Kim Basinger, the woman who, when he was a teenager, taught him the ways of the flesh.

[8:01] Okay.

[8:02] And then there's like...

[8:03] Why are you looking at me like that?

[8:05] Because I don't remember what else happened.

[8:06] Now you're looking at your left shoulder.

[8:09] I looked at you and I just saw a big turkey leg.

[8:11] Christian Grey got his helicopter crashed, and then one scene later, he walks in fine.

[8:17] Oh, and they get engaged.

[8:19] And they get engaged.

[8:20] So, that takes us to Fifty Shades Freed.

[8:22] We're ready. Fifty Shades Freed starts off right away with Christian and Anastasia are getting married!

[8:28] Yeah, it opens mirrors.

[8:29] Guys, guys, I forgot to buy them anything.

[8:32] What do I do?

[8:33] I mean, when they're that rich, they're not going to notice, but just go in the registry.

[8:36] Okay.

[8:37] You know, there's like all these sterling silver, like, butt plugs that they would never buy for themselves.

[8:42] But that's why you have a wedding.

[8:43] Someone else get you that.

[8:44] I think, Dan, you can just go with the gift you get most people for weddings.

[8:47] You show up with your acoustic guitar and sing a song for them.

[8:51] I'd like to give you the greatest gift of music.

[8:54] That's literally only happened at one wedding of my own.

[8:58] And you only know one Sum 41 song.

[9:01] That's right.

[9:02] So you just play that every time.

[9:03] But I don't remember any of their songs.

[9:05] Okay.

[9:06] I think it's a Matchbox 20 song that you sang.

[9:08] It's a Jupiter in her hair, etc.

[9:11] So the wedding is funny.

[9:14] Anna tosses the bouquet, and the best man catches it.

[9:19] He is so embarrassed.

[9:20] Anyway, they are still super rich.

[9:22] They go on a honeymoon in Paris.

[9:23] She adds an Eiffel Tower charm to her very tacky charm bracelet.

[9:27] Because you know what you can't buy?

[9:29] Taste.

[9:30] Oh, wow.

[9:31] I never thought about that.

[9:32] You can be super rich, and you'll have bad taste in things.

[9:34] Or you can be Peter Jackson and have bad taste in the movie on your filmography.

[9:39] That's true.

[9:40] I can be Peter Jackson?

[9:41] Yes.

[9:42] Let me get you this Oculus, Seth.

[9:45] That's the Peter Jackson VR experience.

[9:47] I found a hole behind a filing cabinet, and you crawl through it, and you're in Peter Jackson's head.

[9:51] Oh, no.

[9:52] I don't know if I want it now.

[9:54] What I mean is it's not like in a mystical sense.

[9:56] You're just inside his brain, and it's goopy and gray.

[10:00] Yeah, and he's killed it silly. It's not like hip-hop artist mystic al

[10:04] Not at all

[10:06] You think that this is okay the honeymoon in Paris that seems pretty expensive. Oh on to it was either Italy or Greece

[10:12] I couldn't quite tell

[10:14] Because I'm not rich enough that I know

[10:16] It was a place that has beaches that are topless friendly and Christian does not want on Anna to go topless on the beach

[10:22] He is very controlling, but she defies him and just lays out with her bosoms in the Sun

[10:28] Then they jet ski off for some handcuff sex, that's their honeymoon

[10:33] This is a this is kind of a break from the norm of these movies because normally the porn is

[10:39] Watching people drive fancy cars up to mansions, but in this case we get to see people drive a fancy jet ski up to a yacht

[10:46] Yeah

[10:47] So it's a twist them up. Okay, people weren't expecting out of a third movie

[10:51] That's the thing about three quills is that you have to get even bigger and crazy

[10:55] That's why there's three bad guys in this one the penguin

[10:59] Mr. Freeze

[11:02] Gia Matteo a bosomy architect that will be later in the film who has his there's two characters introduced this movie

[11:09] with great names, there's Gia Matteo the sexy architect and Boyce Foxx the

[11:16] Promising a horror writer and Boyce Foxx is introduced with a lot of fanfare

[11:21] He's the vision of these movies where he's introduced as if he's the linchpin of the series and then nothing happens with him and he's

[11:28] Taken down by a bunch of what Corvus Glaives or something. Yep. Anyway, so

[11:33] Meanwhile, I'm a serious intruder goes into Christian Grey's private server and sets off a time bomb made out of a flask

[11:39] but not until he steals some computer files first and

[11:43] Anna sees a freeze frame from the security cameras like that's my old boss. Yes. Hi. She goes computer enhanced

[11:50] This is a printout man

[11:52] The fact that it's made out of a flask seems like a bit of unnecessary

[11:56] Flare in this movie like I mean I give the movie credit for it having at least some interesting thing happen in it

[12:02] But it doesn't pay off in any way. It's not like oh, of course, it's legendary drunk

[12:08] You put this bomb here, you know, it's the kind of thing that would be a clue in a movie

[12:13] But instead here it's just like they are they maybe they didn't come up with the bomb idea until that day's shoot

[12:18] What can we make a bomb out of this lying around give me your flask they go to the old security guard

[12:23] I need your flask. Oh, but this bet but old Betty has been with me through thick and thin

[12:28] for marriages five wars

[12:32] But uh, so anyway

[12:34] And Christian is like I think my helicopter crash was not an accident

[12:39] It might have been sabotaged and there's a number of loose threads from the last movie

[12:43] They get tied up in this one in very perfunctory ways, and that's one of them

[12:46] Like oh that makes a lot more sense now, it wasn't just a random act of accident. Yeah a

[12:53] random acts of accident acts of

[12:56] Accident. Yeah, so what they go back home Christian gets on Anna some bodyguards. I keep calling her on a like it's frozen

[13:02] No, we just call her Anna gets Anna some bodyguards Sawyer and another one and Sawyer

[13:08] We know is that her assistant at work has the hots for him. Does this go anywhere? It does not

[13:14] It's just one of the many loose tangling subplots

[13:17] Laced into the movie like so much beard hair that hasn't been shaved properly in an old man's face

[13:22] It's all part of the rich tapestry that is woven and then laid down on a bed and then sex is happening

[13:29] Yeah, rough bed of sex on a tapestry. Just Roy is just really rubbing your skin raw exactly the ultimate fantasy the screenplay

[13:38] The screenplay like reads like it's a free riding exercise where someone was just like, okay

[13:43] I'm just gonna just lay down all my thoughts on the page

[13:46] Lay them all down stream of consciousness, whatever comes in

[13:49] Well, it feels like some of Stephen King's books where you can tell he was writing it without really a plan

[13:53] And he'll just plant things and then they won't pay off later. But this is a movie. They should have fixed some of that

[13:59] Go back like were they improving the movie as they went on? It's not like they wrote it on a typewriter

[14:04] They're like, oh, we don't have the technology to change change words

[14:08] Uh, so

[14:10] Anastasia is not sure how to run the household of a very rich gentleman and that the

[14:17] Christians

[14:18] Housekeeper is like about the meals the decor dadada and I wanted her to be like we pay you to do this

[14:24] Like what is this Elizabethan times like or like the Regency period? Why am I in charge of this household all of a sudden?

[14:30] She has a professional job. But anyway

[14:33] She dismisses the cook for the day though and cooks Christian some dinner and over dinner

[14:37] They worry that Christian does not want children. He says he's not ready to share her with anybody

[14:42] This is the first time that Anna has in any way expressed any interest in children

[14:47] but it's like the movie has such a for a movie that's all about it's supposed to be kind of like kinky sex it is

[14:53] such a

[14:54] regressive retrograde idea of

[14:56] Human female and male relations and families where she's like I got married time for you to put a baby in me

[15:03] Come on, this is this is what this is what we're about. It's not we have pair bonded now

[15:08] It's time for us to make a mainstream nuclear family. Yeah, and guys if there's one thing I know about relationships

[15:13] It's that the time to have the discussion about whether you want children is right after you got married

[15:18] But you made a massive commitment. Yeah, nothing has apparently come up on this subject before

[15:24] You think in a healthy relationship they would have discussed these kinds of life goals

[15:28] Yeah, and a previous day order is you get married you make a delicious meal of lunchables for your husband

[15:37] Essentially a grown child so we were like just eat chicken nuggets

[15:43] Yeah, and then you talk to him about having a baby he does not like but I'm a baby

[15:48] He's like that reminds me I was waiting till after we were married to introduce you to my next level of sex play

[15:54] I'm it's baby play. I'm a baby and you're gonna change me and she's like, I don't want to judge you or shame you on this

[16:00] But I'm not into it. He's like, well, we're married now. So you have to be yeah

[16:04] Them's the break when you marry me. You knew the deal except for this part because I didn't tell you

[16:10] Anna goes back to work and finds that while she was away. She was promoted to fiction editor

[16:14] She has it's like the thing that makes me mad about at her in this in these movies is she is the most unearned

[16:21] professional career in that

[16:24] She gets her job because Jack Hyde has the hots for her

[16:27] Then her husband buys the company and fires him and gives her his job

[16:32] Over people who have worked there longer and now she was literally away on her honeymoon

[16:35] They're like we promoted you to a bigger job while you were gone

[16:39] Because you just did such a great job on your honeymoon. Yeah, I wanted to recognize when the movie keeps acting like

[16:46] Like no, no, no, you deserve that honey

[16:48] Like you've got it like I think the movie wants us to think that she actually

[16:53] Like got there on her her own. There's a part later where her husband calls her and says hey

[16:58] It's your boss's boss's boss and it was like, yeah, that's so gross

[17:02] Like that's a terrible way to classify your relationship with your wife

[17:06] Look honey, there's three layers of bureaucracy between you and me

[17:09] I could fire the guy who could fire the guy who could fire you

[17:13] Yeah, but it's still kind of hot. Um

[17:16] And also at this point we're introduced to a

[17:20] What a secretary like a co-worker who?

[17:23] Yeah, who informs her that she's got the promotion, but she's clearly resentful of this

[17:28] I wonder if that will pay dividends in the story. We'll see but also like as she should be I would be pissed too

[17:34] There's a part later where?

[17:36] Let me give you two examples about Anna is not good at her job

[17:39] Or at least that has not shown that she's amazing at it

[17:42] One is that later on we catch the end of a meeting and she's like great work guys

[17:45] and she turns to someone goes

[17:46] Can you make the font two points bigger on the on the public statement and the person's like, yeah

[17:50] And it's like what kind of fucking stupid note is that? Yeah, make it two points bigger

[17:55] Sure

[17:55] that's the kind of note that

[17:56] like the graphics department the daily show we get all the time would be like

[17:59] Can you blur this by 10% and they'd be like you got it and as soon as the producer walked away?

[18:04] They'd be like fuck. Does that mean blur it 10% like yeah, they're gonna notice

[18:08] They're like, can you can you cut this down by two frames this to the editor?

[18:12] Yeah, there's like you got it. And then what who knows who cares? No one's gonna notice. It's two frames

[18:16] But anyway, there's that but also we're introduced to her new hot writer Boyce Fox now

[18:21] Oh, and they're like great catch the the pre-orders on this Boyce Fox book are enormous, but it's also the third book of a series

[18:29] Yeah, that's it on the title like three of this of the series pre-orders already happening, isn't it a little I mean

[18:35] I don't know the publishing business, but doesn't it seem like a little late to sign him?

[18:38] Well, it's see it's maybe she signed him earlier

[18:41] But it's it's it's confusing to me what the timeline is of the Boyce Fox deal

[18:46] He's all she might be just editing the book with him at that point. She's already signed him

[18:50] Maybe she rested him away from another publisher where the first two books in the series came out

[18:55] Usually the publisher would have the you know would make a deal for the whole series. Yeah. I mean, it's Boyce Fox

[19:00] Yeah, this is Boyce Fox. He's a huge star. He's he's the wonder can't he's the literary wunderkind of of the world

[19:06] Yeah, he's the what Klaus now scarred of the

[19:14] Because he's clearly not writing that kind of book

[19:17] Like I think he's supposed to be like a Stephen King George R. R. Martin or even like a Dan Brown type

[19:23] But we never learned what his books are about

[19:25] He isn't he's only in like one scene and then he disappears from the movie, but they give him so much

[19:30] One the name Boyce Fox. So you have so many questions like what the fuck is a voice?

[19:39] Anyway

[19:40] Anna gets into another argument with Christian because he wants her to change her work email to her married name

[19:46] She's not ready for that yet because it shows that she's been absorbed into the gray collective and she's no longer her own woman

[19:52] But the next scene all is forgiven cuz Christian bought her a fancy new sports car

[19:58] They drive around in it to their to the

[20:00] Forest mansion that he also bought for her. Yeah, like a crumbling manor house. Yeah

[20:05] He bought the house of usher for her

[20:08] It's a fixer-upper

[20:11] A fixer-usher, okay

[20:18] No, that was perfect, I only wish I could do an usher the musician joke somehow on top of that

[20:23] I guess I would say that joke. Yeah

[20:26] Pretty good, uh, so but here here at this

[20:28] So it would have been wouldn't have been much better movie if they got there and it turned out

[20:32] It was like a haunted mansion. Yes, and they had to deal with the ghosts

[20:35] Like the previous owners that doesn't happen christian gray is like I don't actually have all this money yet

[20:41] I was told that I would only inherit it if I stayed a night in this house

[20:45] And the ghosts are rattling chains and stuff and christian's like how do I get in on this? Yeah, he's like

[20:51] I'm, so turned on the only way to stay overnight in this mansion

[20:54] The only way we're gonna get into our various fraternities and sororities is by staying a night in this haunted castle

[21:01] But it's really our frat and uh sorority sisters that are uh are putting us up to the you know thing

[21:07] But wait, is it really haunted? Who know? We'll get to it

[21:09] Except we won't because that's because the only ghost they're haunted by are the ghosts of christian's past

[21:14] Uh, so they go to this forest mansion and who's there already? I guess the girlfriend's past

[21:18] Anyway is who's there already is you guessed it famous architect. Gia. Matteo

[21:24] Gia. Matteo has two characteristics

[21:27] She is an architect with a very modern style and she does not like this objectively beautiful old house

[21:32] She wants to tear it down and build something modern her other characteristic is she has breasts which everyone remarks upon

[21:38] Yeah, as if they are the 18th wonder of the world as if she's dolly parton

[21:43] She's very pretty but these are not such amazingly, you know

[21:47] memorable breasts like it's

[21:49] Maybe they were like well her defining characteristic is she's blonde, but we already have

[21:56] Three other side characters that are blobbed

[21:58] That they ever the characters all talk about like are they real have you seen those things?

[22:02] you can't take your eyes off them and it's like

[22:05] I the whole scene went by without me noticing her breasts once I gotta say that

[22:10] Yeah, come on

[22:12] So it's just it's a little bit like if it's you had a character who was 5'8 and everyone was like

[22:17] What's with the dwarf? Hey, how about that midget over there? And it's like well, he's not tall

[22:22] But he's not like abnormally short. I don't like it's a weird thing to call and also not cool

[22:26] It's also not cool to use those words to describe somebody. But anyway, uh

[22:31] So gia. Matteo wants to tear down this house, but anna wants to keep it and christian says

[22:36] Whatever my wife says goes and gia. Matteo does not like this

[22:39] She pulls rank on her and also gives her a clear stay away from my man message

[22:43] But gio. Matteo did touch christian's wrist once while talking to him

[22:47] Which in this it's the weird thing where it's like look my husband and I routinely push the boundaries of erotic pleasure

[22:54] Do not touch his wrist, please

[22:56] I'm, not comfortable with that level of affection. Yeah, I mean this is just one of the many scenes in which though

[23:02] Anastasia is trying to assert her agency. Uh-huh

[23:06] Whereas I mean through much much of the movie she is having agency taken away from her by her husband

[23:12] Okay, and the series is her is the power dynamic between her and christian

[23:16] Yes, he's always we all remember when he ordered a steak for her in a restaurant. Uh, and she said no, I'd like a salad, please

[23:23] Uh, that was in the second movie, I believe

[23:26] Uh, but in this one, yeah, she is you're right

[23:28] Anna is coming into her own as a as a human one steak for my girlfriend and cut it up a real small place

[23:34] I mean

[23:36] Go on blend it into a smoothie, please

[23:38] Now pour it over my face and let her lick it off me

[23:42] I was remarking though christian has always been an asshole in this series

[23:45] but he seems even more of an asshole now that he's her husband like

[23:50] She just really seems like an abuser like an emotional abuser and like we were watching this

[23:56] On elliot's computer as I said before and because my ears are bad and the speakers aren't great

[24:01] Uh, we put the shades of great i'm glad that he's not gonna burn on your computer

[24:05] Well, I mean, I you know, i'm like 50 50 my ears your speakers

[24:09] Uh, but uh, I with the speakers on macbooks are not amazing. I didn't bring extra speakers with me

[24:14] Yeah, I mean it's not like you were bragging about how great your speakers were

[24:18] I wasn't like dudes check out the fidelity on this

[24:21] It really the lows are so low and the highs are so high

[24:24] The point is dialogue is so clear and dan was like what these speakers are garbage

[24:29] I'm an old man. I can't hear things put the put the words on the screen. What's that?

[24:34] Yeah, the point is we had some maybe like one of my favorite cartoon books. I like like stuffy smith

[24:38] Then he started doing this talk to the hand bit. We're like what?

[24:43] Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, dan was like uh-uh and snapping his fingers and we were like what character are you right now?

[24:52] You're so kind to some kind of like street smart prospector, I don't get it

[24:57] Uh point is maybe gay the subtitles were on uh, so

[25:04] The the captions the captions and the number of times the captions under christian is just scoffs

[25:11] Was amazing like christian is constantly scoffing at everything that anastasia does. Yeah, he's a real he's a scoffer

[25:18] He doesn't he he like he seems like one of those guys who's like we're married. That means I legally own you now

[25:23] Yeah, and I don't mean there's nothing likable about christian

[25:26] Okay

[25:27] Now that she gets to drive the fancy car now, though

[25:29] Because she's the boss when it comes to geo mateo, which also sounds like a car

[25:33] Like if you said oh, yeah, I got the 2017 geo mateo

[25:36] I'd be like that sounds like a car to me sounds like that car's got great breath

[25:41] It's hard to drive when you're distracted by the car's

[25:44] uh

[25:45] It's and she's driving so fast even christian's a little scared

[25:48] But then they lose the security detail and an suv starts trailing them for an incredibly low stakes chase

[25:55] It's like hey guys, you ever seen that movie bullet?

[25:58] Now, what if this was not bullet and instead it was a very slow boring car chase

[26:02] So it's almost like a slow bullet. Hey, you know that movie ronin this would be like nonin

[26:07] Sorry, I stepped on your slow bullet joke, which was great

[26:10] for my very stupid joke

[26:12] Uh, anyway, they they lose their their pursuer and I mean if this movie was uh, like ronin be called bonin, by the way

[26:20] No, it would be bonin like a verb or bone in like a steak. Yeah. No, it's like a ribeye

[26:27] Okay. Uh

[26:29] so

[26:30] what if

[26:31] There was a porn version of ronin called bonin. Uh-huh. Sure. It was produced by a guy in the pseudonym. John fucking heimer

[26:37] Yep, okay, and it starred robert de pino. Okay go on anymore. Uh, who else is in that movie? John renault

[26:44] uh, so that would be

[26:47] Okay, okay and the and the guy who has

[26:50] Elaborate diorama of miniature samurai soldiers. It's all gonna be tiny little naked people. Yeah, exactly

[26:56] So, uh, that's bone in the porn version of ronin ronin would have been a bigger hit. I see what happened

[27:01] but uh speaking of

[27:03] Born in cars. They are so turned on by this car chase that they just have sex in their car parking lot

[27:09] Okay, they just have sex in the car in a parking lot. That seems pretty standard. Yeah, and uh

[27:14] They think a woman was driving that suv, but they don't know who it was for sure

[27:17] I mean, isn't there people having sex in a car in a parking lot in tango and cash? I mean

[27:23] They get into the trunk in a parking garage, is that the one like

[27:28] Like weird nude moment. Yes

[27:30] I don't know

[27:33] Has the one gratuitous shot of nudity for no reason

[27:36] Just like in commando when he what they burst into a hotel room where two people are filming themselves having sex. My favorite is in

[27:43] Demolition man where that's the best the woman just phone video phones

[27:48] Alone on accident and she's naked. Yeah cold calls him and it's literally like it is that is the least

[27:55] It's not at least in these other movies

[27:56] There's an action scene going on and they like barge in on people having sex

[28:00] This is literally like this nude woman is barging into the action movie. I love the idea

[28:05] I love this terrifying vision of the future where of course as soon as this technology is developed

[28:10] Everyone's going to be accidentally nude calling people

[28:14] It posits a future where people no longer use toilet paper because there's a better technology

[28:18] We have video phones and yet people don't have contact lists in their phones. They still have to dial random numbers

[28:24] So it's like this far future world where you still have a little book that you flip through to get to someone's phone number

[28:30] Yeah

[28:31] That's right in the future

[28:32] Everyone is my mother-in-law who still uses one of those little books of phone numbers. It's uh, yeah, it's all written on taco bell stationary

[28:40] Uh, so

[28:42] Uh-oh, they're in trouble. Someone was chasing them time to take some time out for anna to sensually wash christian's hair

[28:48] In preparation to give him a haircut because as if it wasn't clear enough that he is a baby to her

[28:54] She is now cutting his hair something parents do for their kids the haircut never happens

[28:59] No, because she goes to get scissors and she finds in his desk

[29:02] What does she find dan a gun a gun which in some ways is more effective than scissors?

[29:08] But maybe not for the task at hand

[29:10] No, I mean you'd need so many bullets to individually shoot each hair off

[29:14] I mean, I feel like if you shoot the right hair all the rest are just gonna pop off

[29:22] And she's like that's right let that be a lesson to the rest of you

[29:25] Uh, it's the gun that he took from his stalker. Lila when she pulled it on anna in the in the last movie

[29:32] Oh, it's all tied together. It's all tied together. Remember a little boat as as uh

[29:36] Chekhov once said if you introduce a gun in the second movie in your sex trilogy

[29:41] It has to show up in the third movie of your sex trilogy. Mm-hmm

[29:44] Uh, a lot of people don't know that chekhov's famous sex trilogy

[29:49] the cherry orchard the seagull and uncle vanya

[29:53] Originally had a lot more sex in them

[29:55] I was gonna go there too, but I could only think of one chekhov play off hand and I

[30:00] I was very mad at myself.

[30:01] What was it?

[30:02] The Seagull.

[30:03] Oh, you know what, I'm mad that I didn't think

[30:04] of Three Sisters, the one that most sounds

[30:06] like it could be a porn movie.

[30:07] Yeah, and did he have enough time in his off time

[30:10] on the Enterprise to write those, or?

[30:12] Oh, yeah, yeah, because, I mean, he was so busy.

[30:15] I'm literally the first person in all of history

[30:17] to make that sketch, right?

[30:18] To ever, I mean, it was literally a sketch

[30:19] on Viva Variety, the Comedy Central show

[30:22] with Thomas Lennon and Ben Gurren and Kerry Kennedy,

[30:26] where they had Walter Koenig in a scene

[30:30] from a Chekhov play, and it turned into him

[30:32] fist-fighting a Klingon at the end of it.

[30:34] But, remember that show?

[30:37] Yeah.

[30:38] I hadn't thought about that in a long time.

[30:39] Johnny Blue Jeans?

[30:40] Yeah, Johnny Blue Jeans, and he sang that song,

[30:42] Pac-Man Fever, or whatever it was.

[30:45] It was a good show.

[30:46] Yeah, or like, I Love You, Miss Pac-Man.

[30:48] Pac-Man Fever was a real song.

[30:49] Yeah.

[30:50] I'm sorry, it was called, I Think I Love You, Miss Pac-Man.

[30:51] No, he had a song that he sang on it called,

[30:54] I Just Wanna Make Out With You, Babe,

[30:56] and there's some line in it about,

[30:58] let's go over there to the darkest corner

[30:59] of the roller rink.

[31:00] That was such a funny detail.

[31:03] Okay, guys, well, let's get back to this.

[31:07] Lila, is she gonna show up?

[31:09] No, she doesn't.

[31:10] We find out pre-orders for Boyz Foxx's new book are huge.

[31:12] We never hear about Boyz Foxx ever again,

[31:14] and Anna's friend, Kate, invites her out to dinner,

[31:18] but Christian was like, go straight home,

[31:19] I'm worried for your safety,

[31:21] and Kate's like, nuh-uh, or Anna's like,

[31:24] nuh-uh, I'm gonna go hang out with my bestie,

[31:26] and Kate tells her that Hyde had a bunch of files

[31:30] about the Gray family, and it's one of those things

[31:32] where it's like, why do you know this?

[31:34] Like, what?

[31:35] And now, Kate is her friend.

[31:37] It's not Christian's sister, right?

[31:38] Christian's sister is Mia,

[31:40] but Kate is dating Christian's brother, Elliot?

[31:44] Yes, I believe so.

[31:45] Okay.

[31:46] The side characters in this are so boring,

[31:48] and their plots are so inconsequential,

[31:52] and they're given, like,

[31:53] although we do spend quite a bit of time

[31:54] talking with Elliot and Kate, right?

[31:57] Eventually, yeah, but for no reason.

[32:00] So they have a lovely dinner with multiple martinis.

[32:03] I think it's not really a dinner

[32:04] so much as just martinis.

[32:06] I mean, there's olives.

[32:08] Liquid dinner.

[32:08] Yeah, liquid, she literally says to the waiter,

[32:10] she goes, just keep the martinis coming,

[32:12] and I imagined a Sorcerer's Apprentice type scenario.

[32:15] He's like, I will do as programmed,

[32:18] and he's bringing them hundreds of martinis

[32:20] to the point where they're just,

[32:22] it fills the room with martinis.

[32:23] Yeah, they have to drink it all.

[32:25] Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

[32:28] It's like Lucy and the Chocolate Factory.

[32:30] They gotta down them as fast as they arrive.

[32:32] And then they die of alcohol poisoning.

[32:35] Fifty Shades of Dead, so.

[32:38] Then Christian has to travel to the land of the dead

[32:40] and retrieve Anastasia and not look back

[32:43] or else scare her ghost back into Hades' clutches.

[32:47] Yeah, Fifty Shades of Orpheus.

[32:50] So, Anna comes home.

[32:52] So, it's a weird thing for her friend to be like,

[32:54] yeah, and it's weird that your old boss

[32:55] had all those files on the grays on his computer.

[32:57] Why would she know that?

[32:59] The character needs information at that moment.

[33:00] Anna goes home, and who's there?

[33:03] Hyde, bump, bump.

[33:04] He attacks her with a knife.

[33:05] The security guys save her, and the police come,

[33:08] and they find that there was a note that Hyde had

[33:10] that says, you owe me a life.

[33:12] Bump, bump, bump.

[33:14] Is it possible?

[33:15] The other shoe drops.

[33:16] The cosmic balance has been thrown out of whack.

[33:19] I will say, we were talking about how there's all the,

[33:21] and someone mentioned on Twitter once

[33:23] that we say I will say a lot on this podcast,

[33:25] and I'm noticing it a lot now.

[33:27] But something I wanna say is,

[33:29] watching this movie and having all the stuff

[33:30] with Kate and Elliot and Mia,

[33:32] characters I've seen in the past movies,

[33:34] but I didn't remember,

[33:35] and I don't remember their relationships.

[33:37] I was like, this is what it's like

[33:40] when people who don't pay attention to comic books

[33:42] have to watch Avengers movies.

[33:44] Where it's like, how am I supposed to remember

[33:46] how all these people are connected?

[33:47] How can you not remember that Bucky was Cap's sidekick,

[33:51] and then he got frozen, and he thought he was dead,

[33:53] but he's the Winter Soldier?

[33:54] And why is the entire audience in this theater

[33:56] performatively laughing every time

[33:58] that character says that thing?

[33:59] I don't remember.

[34:01] Yeah, so it's, I'm like, now I understand what it's like.

[34:05] I've seen how the other half lives.

[34:07] The other half, because society's divided into two halves,

[34:09] Avengers fans and Fifty Shades of Grey fans.

[34:11] Okay.

[34:12] And never the twain shall meet.

[34:13] It's the coming Civil War.

[34:15] Although a prophecy speaks of a child of both worlds.

[34:19] We'll bring them together

[34:21] in the biggest crossover event in human history,

[34:24] Fifty Shades of Infinity War.

[34:28] I think it's Infinity Shades of Grey, by the way.

[34:29] Oh, that would be better, yeah.

[34:30] Infinity Shades of, where what?

[34:32] Like, Christian Grey and Thanos team up,

[34:34] or like, what's, that's how they defeat him, or?

[34:37] They team up to spank half the universe.

[34:39] Yeah, well, yeah, Thanos, he gives Christian the gauntlet

[34:43] so he can use it to, like, tie somebody up real well.

[34:45] Yeah, yeah.

[34:46] We'll make half the universe doms

[34:47] and half the universe subs.

[34:50] By which I mean, like, little doms

[34:52] at the Italian restaurant,

[34:53] and some kind of sub sandwich place.

[34:55] You can have fancy Italian,

[34:56] and then you can have, you know, just street Italian.

[34:57] Oh, wow, what a universe.

[34:59] What's called, it's called Every Borough of New York.

[35:05] What a world, what a time to be alive,

[35:08] when so many varied varieties of Italian food restaurants

[35:12] are available in one city.

[35:14] Truly, I've seen the future,

[35:16] but ask me not to reveal too much,

[35:18] for the vision is too beautiful for eyes such as yours.

[35:22] You know, there's such a thin line between subs and Boston.

[35:26] Let's explore it, won't we?

[35:27] So, Christian gets upset.

[35:29] Anna tries to calm him down

[35:31] by having sex with him in the shower,

[35:32] but he rebuffs her and says, I can't.

[35:34] Uh-oh, Christian, not in the mood, he must be mad.

[35:37] Before we move past this, what a shower, right?

[35:41] This shower, it is like you are in a Amazonian rainstorm.

[35:46] It's like Christian saw an Irish spring commercial,

[35:49] and he's like, give me that waterfall.

[35:51] It does not have a shower head, it has a shower ceiling.

[35:54] It's amazing, and it's like, you would never need,

[35:57] it's part of the rich fantasy,

[35:58] like, I'm gonna waste so much water.

[36:00] This shower could fit several people in it, who knows?

[36:03] Maybe Christian and I will do that someday,

[36:05] but until now, I'm just gonna use up

[36:07] 30 hundred gallons of water.

[36:10] I'm gonna use enough water to transport a whale

[36:13] to SeaWorld in this shower.

[36:16] Yeah, unless he has a side business

[36:18] where he gives showers to packs of dogs.

[36:21] What if that was the crux of the gray fortune?

[36:26] We've invested in a number of things,

[36:27] but we can never lose sight of the original business,

[36:29] giving dogs showers in packs for the bonding experience.

[36:35] That's why we make so much money, we're a volume business.

[36:41] Now, everyone, so what a lot of people don't know

[36:45] is GDS Investments stands for Gray Dog Showers,

[36:49] the original company, of course,

[36:52] we changed it to initials when we diversified

[36:54] into, of course, shipping, manufacturing,

[36:57] oil, the entertainment business,

[36:59] but my old grandpa, Jedediah Gray,

[37:03] started with a nickel and a dog and one beaker of water.

[37:06] As he always said, there'll always be dirty dogs.

[37:09] There's money in them dirty dogs, he said,

[37:14] because he would hide money inside the dogs.

[37:17] He was taken away later on in life.

[37:19] For a rainy day, he said,

[37:21] the rainy day would be the worst thing

[37:22] because God would be showering those dogs

[37:25] and no one would have to pay us for it.

[37:29] So anyway, they make up later that night,

[37:31] they take a trip to the Red Room for some shackle sex,

[37:33] and we learn that Christian has a selection of vibrators

[37:36] stored in a custom molded foam drawer.

[37:39] I mean, that makes sense.

[37:40] Who did he hire to do that?

[37:41] I mean, has there been anything in these movies

[37:43] that would lead you to believe that he doesn't have that?

[37:45] That's a good point.

[37:47] What I like about it is it means he doesn't just have to,

[37:48] if he opens the drawer,

[37:49] the vibrators don't just roll around banging into each other.

[37:53] He keeps stimulating her, then stopping,

[37:55] to show her how frustrating she's been to him.

[37:58] And she's like, I can't take it.

[38:00] And she uses her safe word, red.

[38:01] And she's like, that wasn't love, that was punishment.

[38:03] I don't like it.

[38:04] And he's like, but I was mad at you.

[38:07] But I'm mad and I only know how to express myself erotically.

[38:11] This is my means of expression.

[38:13] Which I mean, I think Dan's seen a lot of movies

[38:15] where characters only can express themselves erotically.

[38:19] You've written a lot, right?

[38:20] Yeah, that's right.

[38:23] I've written a series of erotic novels under my name.

[38:26] Dane.

[38:28] Dane?

[38:28] Dane McCoy.

[38:31] The Great Dane, they call me.

[38:33] Cool.

[38:34] Who calls you that?

[38:35] Well, mostly myself, but hopefully it catches on.

[38:39] I love it, you're like,

[38:40] how about that Great Dane McCoy, huh?

[38:42] They should call him the Great Dane.

[38:43] Who is that?

[38:44] Oh, he's a famous unpublished erotic fiction writer.

[38:48] And I'm like, there's only one Great Dane in my life.

[38:51] That's Dane Ironfoot, King of the Dwarves.

[38:55] Now, what is that from?

[38:56] The fucking Lord of the Rings.

[38:58] Oh, I'm sorry, I don't remember all the dwarves.

[39:00] You don't know all the dwarves?

[39:02] I only know some of the dwarves.

[39:03] Blagdalia, I don't remember the other dwarves.

[39:06] Amelia Bedelia.

[39:07] He Who Can Now Be Named.

[39:09] Amelia Bedelia.

[39:10] Grumpy, sneezy, dopey.

[39:12] Ant-Man, The Wasp.

[39:15] I mean, technically he's a dwarf at times.

[39:16] That's true.

[39:17] Ringo, Pope Pius X, other groups of people.

[39:22] Peter Tork.

[39:24] Peter Tork, and Tork the movie.

[39:26] Yeah, starring Adam Scott.

[39:28] As Peter Tork, the biopic everyone was asking for.

[39:33] It all takes place in his career after The Monkees too.

[39:35] That's the amazing thing about him.

[39:36] Okay, so Christian says he doesn't know why Hyde

[39:41] has been keeping files on his family.

[39:42] And he had a bad dream that Anna was dead

[39:44] and it's really been making him mad.

[39:47] He said something, I think he's,

[39:48] if I'm remembering correctly,

[39:49] and I could be remembering wrong,

[39:51] I think he said something about like,

[39:51] you were dead and I couldn't do anything about it.

[39:53] It's like, yeah, no shit, dude.

[39:54] You can't bring people back from the dead.

[39:56] It's like 50 Shades of Frankenstein all of a sudden.

[40:00] There's gotta be, someone must have written some kind of Fifty Shades of Frankenstein

[40:03] where it's erotic fiction with a Frankenstein monster instead of a vampire, right? It must exist.

[40:08] Yeah, that's gotta exist somewhere.

[40:09] I mean, I guess that's just young Frankenstein that I think about it.

[40:12] I guess. I mean, sure.

[40:16] Yeah, sure. Sorry, Stuart. I apologize I went on that dead end road.

[40:22] I mean, I was just clarifying that this was about the point where we

[40:25] had to pause the movie because we were watching in the green room of the synagogue.

[40:30] And so I missed some of this stuff.

[40:33] Okay. Well, he's worried about Anna and they're fighting.

[40:37] This marriage, the honeymoon is over, guys.

[40:40] They're dealing with the reality of the real pressures that a marriage is under,

[40:43] such as worrying that a stalker is, your old enemy is stalking your wife and that she might

[40:48] kill her. Worrying that you're not meeting the very elaborate checklist of erotic needs

[40:54] that you've presented to her. Also that she won't be your possession.

[40:58] That's a real pressure in a lot of marriages.

[41:00] And also there's a worry that Gia Matteo might steal your man away or ruin your beautiful home.

[41:06] I mean, look, Gia Matteo has it all. She has boobs that people just can't stop talking about.

[41:11] Yeah.

[41:11] There's one thing on everybody's list.

[41:12] It's the talk of Aspen.

[41:13] It's in the newspapers all the time. It's a hashtag.

[41:17] The Aspen Courier.

[41:18] The thing on Aspen Twitter, hashtag Gia's boobs.

[41:22] That's really trending. And she's got that modern style that people love.

[41:27] It's all glass and steel.

[41:28] It's self-cleaning windows.

[41:31] What if it was like she's a real Frank Gehry type and Anna was like,

[41:34] you want to tear down this beautiful mansion, just make something looks like a pile of crap,

[41:37] just fell down.

[41:40] Wow, harsh critique.

[41:41] Take that Frank Gehry. I don't like your buildings. I want to say your movies.

[41:44] I don't like your movies either.

[41:44] I'm sure you don't like his movies either.

[41:46] Just a pile of frames, sort of like strung together.

[41:49] Guess I'll return this Lego set based on Frank Gehry's buildings.

[41:54] I have a Lego set based on Frank Gehry's buildings.

[41:56] Every Lego set before you put it together.

[42:00] Anna dreams that.

[42:02] So they're worried.

[42:03] At work, Christian calls Anna.

[42:04] This is when he calls himself your boss's boss's boss, which is gross,

[42:08] and says it's time for a surprise vacation to Aspen.

[42:11] She gets on their private plane.

[42:12] All her friends are there.

[42:13] Yeah.

[42:14] He's like, hey, I understand.

[42:15] You said you wanted to spend time with your friends and not just be a prisoner of my sex apartment.

[42:20] I'm going instead to imprison all of your friends and take them with us to my Aspen sex house.

[42:24] You can see your friends under my terms now.

[42:29] He's like, you bought this vacation.

[42:31] We should take it.

[42:31] Because last movie, remember, she bid in the charity auction on the Grey's Aspen house.

[42:37] That was before balls got stuck in somebody's holes, right?

[42:39] That was after.

[42:41] He had already put balls in her holes, and then she was wearing them during the auction.

[42:44] Oh, right, like in The Ugly Truth.

[42:47] Yes, they made a big, except in The Ugly Truth.

[42:51] Vibrating panties, the remote control of which falls into the hands of a child.

[42:55] Those drive her mad with desire, and she's so flustered.

[42:58] In this one, he puts Benoit balls in her and is like, just watch out.

[43:02] And her entire reaction is, oh, like that's it.

[43:07] The same titter of mild amusement of a New Yorker cartoon

[43:11] is what this erotic adventure has elicited.

[43:14] How do you get those things out?

[43:16] A plunger.

[43:17] Okay.

[43:18] He's a little plunger.

[43:20] You throw a mini tantrum and jump up and down.

[43:26] Like that.

[43:26] Okay, so they go to the house.

[43:28] And Christian, at this moment, seals my understanding of him as the world's worst man,

[43:34] the world's biggest asshole, by surprising everyone with an impromptu piano recital

[43:39] as he sings Maybe I'm Amazed, accompanying himself.

[43:42] And I'm like, fuck you, dude.

[43:44] I have never been in a situation ever where I've been in a social setting

[43:48] and someone has started unsolicited, started playing music,

[43:51] and I've been like, this is making it better.

[43:53] I love this.

[43:54] Hey, you know how we were all hanging out, having a good time talking?

[43:57] Now we have to stop so that you can strum along on your acoustic guitar

[44:00] and sing that one song from college everyone knows the words to?

[44:03] Thanks, everybody.

[44:04] But Dan, it's still okay if you give him that as a wedding gift.

[44:07] Yeah, no, Dan, I'm not talking about you.

[44:08] You're the great Dan.

[44:08] You can get away with it.

[44:10] I mean, when Dan does it, it's a totally different thing.

[44:12] It's music and magic.

[44:14] And Dan McCoy, music and magic.

[44:19] 12 new tracks.

[44:25] It's his concept album.

[44:27] Every track is a trick.

[44:34] A trick is how I get you to pay for my music.

[44:39] So they're like, we've never heard Christian sing before.

[44:42] And it's just like, come on, dude, get over yourself.

[44:44] He's got to be the center of attention all the time.

[44:46] Anna dreams she's on her honeymoon, but it's with Hyde.

[44:48] Ah!

[44:49] But she gets over it by having ice cream kitchen sex with Christian.

[44:53] She's just dripping ice cream all over him and licking it off.

[44:57] And it seems that's one of the things that seems like it would be in real life

[45:00] less sexy than like sticky and kind of uncomfortable.

[45:03] I've never understood the whole food sex thing.

[45:05] It's just like, uh, I'll do something that's cleaner, please.

[45:09] It's like, hey, you know what I've always wanted in my pubic hair?

[45:12] Sticky things.

[45:13] Sure, let's do that.

[45:14] But that's why, guys, maybe I learned this the wrong way.

[45:18] That's why you're totally shaved down there.

[45:20] One, I'm totally shaved.

[45:20] And two, I've stopped my molasses sex play.

[45:24] One, the dripping takes so long.

[45:26] It takes forever for it to run down your body.

[45:28] And so you're just standing there waiting, getting cold.

[45:31] Because, of course, it's cold molasses because you don't want it to drip so much.

[45:36] What about the sex play where you rub school paste all over yourself?

[45:41] Well, it's delicious and causes no anal blockage.

[45:45] So that that one weird kid can lick it off you?

[45:47] The one who's always eating the paste?

[45:49] Man, that's weird.

[45:52] So while they're having this lovely sex,

[45:54] they also knock over their decorative bowl of apples

[45:56] that I'm assuming was set up by like a housekeeper.

[45:59] I assume so.

[46:00] And that represents the loss of innocence.

[46:02] Oh, that makes sense.

[46:03] Knowledge.

[46:04] Throwing knowledge on the ground.

[46:06] They've taken the fruit of the tree of knowledge

[46:08] and they've said, no, thank you.

[46:09] And slammed it into the ground.

[46:10] We'll be enjoying this Americone dream.

[46:12] Thank you very much.

[46:14] Do you think that's what it was?

[46:15] It was some kind of Ben and Jerry's that she was eating?

[46:17] Yeah, I mean, they're super wealthy, right?

[46:19] Or maybe it was like, I don't know, what's a fancy ice cream, Dan?

[46:24] A fancy ice cream?

[46:25] Probably something called gelato.

[46:26] Like some kind of gelato.

[46:28] Maybe it was just Breyers.

[46:30] It was maybe it was just Breyers.

[46:32] She, what she did was she took the outsides

[46:34] off of a Weight Watchers Tofutti Cutie.

[46:38] Yeah, it's a skinny cow.

[46:41] And the best part is when he finds her in the kitchen,

[46:43] he goes, he walks in there, he goes straight to the refrigerator

[46:47] and she surprised him and he's like,

[46:48] hey, I was looking for you, like in the refrigerator?

[46:52] And I know sometimes when you get upset, you climb into the crisper.

[46:56] He's like, I'd forgotten how large you were.

[46:58] I thought you were little.

[47:01] And also maybe a head of lettuce.

[47:03] I was reading this article online about women in refrigerators.

[47:06] I think I may have misunderstood.

[47:08] He's like, oh, yeah, you're not milk.

[47:10] You're over here.

[47:13] So they have sex.

[47:14] Christian's detective slash bodyguard.

[47:15] He tells Christian all the inside info they've been able to dig up on Hyde,

[47:19] such as he went to Princeton.

[47:21] Yes.

[47:23] And also worked at other publishers.

[47:25] It's like, OK, great.

[47:25] So this guy did the minimum amount of research.

[47:27] They also found out he has some former blackmail in his past.

[47:30] He let he used to tape himself having sex with women

[47:33] and then blackmail them with the video.

[47:34] He's also an artist.

[47:35] So he got a little bit of juicy deets.

[47:38] Yeah.

[47:38] And also that he was in and out of foster homes in Detroit.

[47:41] And Christian goes, oh, me too.

[47:43] I was also funny old world, huh?

[47:47] What's the what are the odds?

[47:48] So what do you think?

[47:50] People still say that, I think.

[47:51] I guess it is a small world.

[47:53] Anna goes dress shopping with her friends.

[47:55] She buys, admittedly, a very attractive, sexy dress.

[47:59] Her friend walks out wearing the dowdiest red dress.

[48:02] And everyone's like, oh, girl, whoa, watch out to hot stuff.

[48:06] It feels very much like the like they're intentionally dressing her to make

[48:11] Anna's dress look sexier.

[48:12] Yeah, I think you're right.

[48:13] That's or the other thing is they're trying to get Kate to, like,

[48:17] get out of her shell a little bit.

[48:18] They're pretending that her kind of mom wear is very sexy to acclimate her to that.

[48:22] Really granular about the dress.

[48:24] So while Kate is wearing this trash bag,

[48:27] Anna looks out the window and sees Anna's boyfriend, Elliot, Kate's boyfriend, Elliot.

[48:32] Oh, shit.

[48:32] Christian's brother.

[48:33] Anna's boyfriend is her husband, Gray, the titular Gray.

[48:37] It's nice to know that they kind of still consider themselves boyfriend, girlfriend.

[48:40] I mean, you know what?

[48:40] They're lovers.

[48:41] They're best friends.

[48:42] They're boyfriend, girlfriend.

[48:43] And they're married because just because you're married doesn't mean the love goes away.

[48:47] That happens when you have children.

[48:48] No, just kidding.

[48:49] That doesn't happen either.

[48:50] She looks out the window and sees she sees Kate's boyfriend, Elliot,

[48:54] Christian's brother.

[48:55] And who's he hugging?

[48:56] Dan, who is he hugging?

[48:58] Gia Matteo.

[48:59] That's right.

[49:00] Gia Matteo, the queen of Aspen.

[49:02] Gia Matteo, whose boobs have dominated many men.

[49:06] They go to a hot Aspen club that night where the topic of conversation on everyone's lips

[49:10] is Gia Matteo's boobs.

[49:13] And Elliot seems to know a lot about her background.

[49:16] And we're like, oh, Elliot seems to have something on his mind.

[49:19] And he does.

[49:20] He proposes to Kate.

[49:22] And we don't give a shit.

[49:23] Yeah, right there in front of her.

[49:25] And Anna's like, what do I do?

[49:27] What do I do?

[49:27] I think he might be having an affair with Gia Matteo since I saw them hugging once

[49:31] in the most chaste meeting of souls I've ever seen on a city street.

[49:36] Don't worry, guys.

[49:37] That doesn't go anywhere.

[49:38] It doesn't go anywhere.

[49:39] So there's a little bit of club dancing.

[49:41] There's a shot of a DJ that made Elliot say, what the fuck?

[49:45] This guy has the dumbest hair.

[49:47] I mean, I'll give them credit.

[49:48] They went all out with the character design for this DJ.

[49:51] I guess they went to Lucasfilm and had one of their guys work on it.

[49:55] Because everything in this movie is so bland looking, except for this one.

[50:00] One DJ, I assume that he was like,

[50:02] I'm playing a DJ in Aspen, I'm gonna,

[50:04] I wanna be remembered for this role.

[50:06] And I was so instantly like, who is this guy?

[50:08] What's his story?

[50:09] I've never been, I watched a whole movie about DJs.

[50:12] We are your friends.

[50:12] And I was not as interested as I am in this one guy

[50:15] we see for a second.

[50:16] But he looks ridiculous.

[50:19] Anna and Christian continue their intense sex schedule

[50:22] to the point that she can't even pay attention at work

[50:24] because she's so busy thinking about their sex.

[50:27] The police officer who arrested Hyde comes in

[50:29] and tells her, hey,

[50:31] Hyde says that you and him are having an affair

[50:33] and that you destroyed his career

[50:35] because you're like a crazy bitch.

[50:36] And everyone knows Hyde is a bad dude,

[50:39] but he's gonna tell the story to get bail.

[50:40] So see ya.

[50:41] And she's like, can't you stop him?

[50:43] He's like, I can't say anything.

[50:45] I just have to follow what people say.

[50:47] I'm an impartial observer, ignore me.

[50:50] As Gort, the enforcer robot

[50:52] from the day the earth stood still,

[50:53] I cannot make these judgments, hooman.

[50:56] I can only enforce the law of the spaceways.

[50:59] If you continue to extend your violence,

[51:01] this earth of yours shall be reduced to a burnt out cinder.

[51:03] Gotta go, see ya.

[51:05] Glad to have brought a Nick tea.

[51:07] He's like, but if you're really sweating it,

[51:09] he's having his bail hearing today.

[51:11] You can go see it.

[51:12] You should go see it.

[51:13] She's like, well, I don't really have to work, right?

[51:16] The, she goes, she doesn't have to work.

[51:19] The judge is like, Mr. Hyde, one, you have an evil name.

[51:23] Two, that story sounds crazy.

[51:26] You seem like a ridiculous monster of a man,

[51:27] but your record's good, so I'll set bail at $500,000.

[51:31] And because everyone in the movie is rich,

[51:32] he makes bail, no problem.

[51:34] Yeah, and meanwhile, she's in the back,

[51:36] watching this, dressed like a grieving widow

[51:38] from a mob film.

[51:39] Yeah, all black, black.

[51:41] It's one of the things where she dresses

[51:43] to be inconspicuous, but sticks out so much more

[51:45] than she just wore regular clothes.

[51:47] And Hyde, again, gives her a wink as he walks by her.

[51:49] She is so upset, she throws up.

[51:51] And guys, that's the moment when Stewart

[51:54] obviously guessed the cliche,

[51:56] because she's not throwing up from fear.

[51:58] She's thrown up from a baby in that belly.

[52:00] Stewart was like, oh, is she pregnant?

[52:02] I was like, no way, they're not gonna do that.

[52:04] Next scene, her OB is like, hey, you're pregnant.

[52:06] And that was when Elliot denied making a bet with me

[52:10] and that he was gonna bet me $100

[52:12] that she was pregnant. No, no, no, no, no.

[52:13] $100 American dollars.

[52:14] I said, no way, and you said,

[52:16] if she turns out to be pregnant, you owe me $100.

[52:19] $100 American dollars.

[52:20] And I said, I thought you said,

[52:22] you have to give me 100 of your American dollars.

[52:24] That's the quote.

[52:25] And I said, no, I don't agree to that.

[52:28] I don't know, I feel like there was something in your eyes

[52:30] that was implicit to agreeing with my plan.

[52:32] Well, I didn't say my bet safe word, which is red.

[52:37] She goes to her, and this is a real show of how rich she is.

[52:39] She can get a same-day appointment with her gynecologist.

[52:41] Am I right, fellas?

[52:42] I mean, I don't have any. I guess so.

[52:44] I don't really know about gynecologists.

[52:45] All my experience with doctors is bad, so.

[52:47] Trust me on this one.

[52:49] Okay, guys, she's pregnant

[52:50] because she stopped taking her shots for her contraception,

[52:56] or she forgot.

[52:57] Christian is upset.

[52:58] He says, he's not ready to be a father,

[52:59] and it's like, no shit, dude, look at you.

[53:01] You're like this sex-obsessed baby man.

[53:04] He comes back drunk, and when he is drunk,

[53:07] he is the least charming man in the history of the world.

[53:11] This was a realistic moment for me where it's like,

[53:13] oh, when Christian Grey is drunk,

[53:14] he is just like every sloppy, drunk asshole dude.

[53:16] Well, he's a man who's all about control, Elliot.

[53:19] So when he gets drunk, he loses control.

[53:21] I guess that's the real pain

[53:23] that he likes to inflict on himself,

[53:25] because he's forcing himself to play this role.

[53:27] Yeah.

[53:28] He's caught in handcuffs on the inside

[53:32] because he put handcuffs on his intestines.

[53:34] Oh, wow.

[53:34] Also his emotions.

[53:36] Commitment.

[53:37] The real shackles are the ones you can't see.

[53:39] Just kidding.

[53:40] They're the ones that people get put in.

[53:40] Yeah, that's fair.

[53:41] He's upset, he tells her, because babies mean no sex,

[53:44] and he goes, you'll see.

[53:45] You'll choose him over me, which is,

[53:47] I mean, that's one, a number of relationships,

[53:49] I think, have to deal with that emotional subtext of,

[53:52] I used to be the central figure in your life,

[53:54] and now this child is the central figure in your life,

[53:56] and we have to work to keep our relationship alive.

[53:58] But there's also the weird undercurrent of like,

[54:00] you're gonna start having sex with that baby,

[54:02] and not with me.

[54:03] It's like, that's a weird way to go, Christian.

[54:05] He kind of had that relationship

[54:06] when he was a young man with his mom's friend.

[54:09] That's true, with his mom's best friend,

[54:10] Kim Basinger, as herself.

[54:12] Yeah.

[54:15] And she puts him to bed,

[54:16] and she sees that he got a text from who else

[54:18] but Kim Basinger, saying that he hung out with her that night.

[54:21] There is no world where Christian Grey

[54:24] has the text displayed when texts show up on his phone.

[54:27] No way, Mr. Secrets?

[54:29] Yeah, come on.

[54:29] Yeah, a man who has multiple locked rooms in his house.

[54:32] That his housekeeper doesn't know about?

[54:36] Which means that Christian Grey has to go in

[54:37] and clean that room himself.

[54:40] That's gonna be the dirtiest room in the house.

[54:43] I mean, I guess, yeah.

[54:44] Yeah, that's...

[54:45] I mean, you haven't seen his bathroom.

[54:47] Okay.

[54:47] And she goes, she doesn't wanna share a bed with him,

[54:49] so she goes and she curls up to sleep in the red room,

[54:52] thus making literal his fear.

[54:54] Their sex room has become just for sleeping.

[54:57] Prophecy is complete.

[54:59] As was foretold decades past by the wise ones.

[55:04] The next morning, while dressing,

[55:06] Anna and Christian have, I have to say,

[55:09] a fairly realistic couple fight.

[55:11] And the thing that makes it the most realistic

[55:12] is that Anna's getting dressed while they're doing it.

[55:15] And Stuart goes, this is how it starts.

[55:17] Casual nudity.

[55:18] Yeah, their nudity no longer arouses them.

[55:20] It's just a fact to be admitted to.

[55:22] But like...

[55:24] There's...

[55:24] It's like, don't look now.

[55:25] But it's like, yeah, I mean,

[55:26] it is kind of like don't look now.

[55:27] Like, there's nothing sexy about this scene.

[55:29] She's just very matter-of-factly getting dressed.

[55:31] And I was like, okay,

[55:32] that's a realistic thing in a marriage.

[55:33] Like, however, when I saw don't look now as a teenager,

[55:36] I was like, blown away by, oh, when you're married,

[55:38] you just brush your teeth naked

[55:40] in front of your wife or your husband,

[55:42] and it's not a sexy thing.

[55:43] It's just like, you've reached that level of comfort

[55:46] where you're just like, whatever, okay.

[55:47] I mean, we're also blown away

[55:49] about how it's the dumbest movie ever made.

[55:51] How, aside from those, the scenes of their marriage,

[55:53] it doesn't make any sense otherwise.

[55:54] They're so angry.

[55:55] And it's not scary.

[55:58] Jesus.

[55:59] When people, like, I feel like don't look now,

[56:01] and I'm just gonna say it too.

[56:02] Eyes Without a Face are two movies.

[56:04] They're not bad movies.

[56:06] They have their good things about them.

[56:07] But people are like,

[56:08] you know what my favorite horror movie is?

[56:11] Eyes Without a Face.

[56:12] Like, you mean the not scary movie?

[56:14] I think my favorite horror movie is Don't Look Now.

[56:15] And it's like, okay, so you're just trying to sound artsy

[56:17] and cool.

[56:18] I'm not gonna look now at that movie you just said.

[56:20] Yeah.

[56:22] I like both of those movies.

[56:23] They're both fine movies, but they are not particularly scary.

[56:25] Eyes Without a Face made me wish

[56:27] that I didn't have eyes in my face.

[56:30] Right?

[56:31] Any more good ones?

[56:32] Those are pretty good, right?

[56:33] Yeah.

[56:34] Anyway.

[56:35] I'll tweet them.

[56:36] Yeah, tweet those.

[56:37] Hashtag, extra jokes.

[56:38] It'll make sense when the episode comes out.

[56:40] So, the next morning they have that fight.

[56:43] She really digs into his mommy abandonment issues.

[56:45] Because as you remember,

[56:46] Christian's birth mother was what?

[56:48] Like a drug addict?

[56:49] Yeah.

[56:49] And she was, wait a minute.

[56:51] She was killed in front of him, right?

[56:52] Or am I thinking of Dexter?

[56:54] Oh, I think that's Dexter.

[56:55] Because Dexter was found in a shipping container

[56:58] full of blood, right?

[56:59] Yeah.

[57:00] By James Remar?

[57:01] Yeah.

[57:01] With his brother, who's also a serial killer.

[57:04] Yes, that's right.

[57:06] Because everyone has a serial killer brother

[57:07] when you're a genius killer.

[57:09] Yeah.

[57:10] I mean, it's Miami.

[57:11] The Miami world of serial killers.

[57:14] They have so many serial killers per capita

[57:16] according to that show.

[57:17] So, because his birth mother was a drug addict,

[57:21] he went into foster care

[57:23] and was adopted by the Grays in this rich life.

[57:26] So, he has a lot of mommy abandonment issues.

[57:28] Jack Hyde calls Anna out of nowhere.

[57:30] Says, I kidnapped Christian's sister, Mia,

[57:33] and I want $5 million in two hours

[57:35] or else I'm gonna kill her.

[57:36] I was supposed to be Christian Gray.

[57:38] He owes me a life.

[57:39] I'm not gonna explain that right now.

[57:40] Forget I brought it up.

[57:41] Nevermind.

[57:42] I'm working through something.

[57:43] She slips away from her bodyguard,

[57:45] who is so bad at keeping track of her.

[57:48] She goes, hey, meet me in the library.

[57:49] A library which has almost no books in it.

[57:51] It's a pool room.

[57:52] It has a pool table.

[57:53] Let me say this.

[57:54] It should be the billiards room, right?

[57:56] If you call the room that has a pool table,

[57:58] no books, a library,

[57:59] you might be a dumb rich person.

[58:02] Because I've been in people's houses like that

[58:04] where they're rich and they have a pool table.

[58:05] This is your white collar comedy tour?

[58:08] This is my 1% comedy tour.

[58:10] If you've got a lot of books in your house,

[58:12] but you've never actually opened them,

[58:13] you might be a dumb rich person.

[58:16] And I was at, this was a relative's house,

[58:18] and they had all these leather-bound classics

[58:21] of literature, and I was like, oh, this is a great book,

[58:22] and I took one down and opened it

[58:24] and heard the telltale crack of a book

[58:26] that had never been opened before.

[58:28] They were gonna say it was cut out

[58:30] and there's a flask inside.

[58:33] It's like a Charlie Brown's restaurant

[58:34] and they just sliced the spine off a book

[58:36] and glued it to the wall

[58:39] to make it look like a library full of books.

[58:41] But it was like this moment of like,

[58:42] I'd never heard, it was like a crack of thunder

[58:45] from the heavens, the sound of this unread copy

[58:49] of Don Quixote that had never even been flipped through.

[58:52] But anyway, taught me a lot about my relatives.

[58:55] Anyway, she escapes her bodyguard.

[58:57] The bodyguard's like, oh, I'll meet you in the library.

[58:58] She just leaves while he's going there.

[59:00] And then he's calling, he's like, she got away,

[59:02] as he watches her get into her car and drive off.

[59:05] And he's like going, fuck, oh, fuck, she got away.

[59:08] Like he's so unprofessional.

[59:09] Like, wow, calm down.

[59:10] Calm down, Sawyer.

[59:12] And she goes to the bank.

[59:14] The banker calls Christian.

[59:16] Uh-oh, she can't even write a check

[59:18] for $5 million to get cash.

[59:19] For cash, no questions asked right away.

[59:21] But Hyde told her, don't tell Christian

[59:23] about what's going on, so she can't tell him.

[59:24] Christian thinks that Anna is leaving him

[59:27] and is taking his money.

[59:28] Which Anna could kind of, wouldn't, I mean,

[59:32] it's not a-

[59:32] Would be understandable, he's a bad husband.

[59:35] But when he says, like, are you leaving me?

[59:37] She couldn't just say no at that point.

[59:39] Well, she's very upset that she's in this position.

[59:41] I think she is so overcome with emotion

[59:43] that she can't even talk.

[59:44] Like, if she was thinking straight,

[59:46] she'd say, no, something's going on,

[59:47] I have to tell you about it.

[59:48] But she's, that her marriage has gotten to the point

[59:50] where her new husband can conceive

[59:52] that she is now leaving him.

[59:54] Yeah.

[59:55] Because things have gotten so bad between them

[59:56] that they have no future.

[59:57] And that she's leaving him because she's pregnant.

[1:00:00] He refuses to be a father to a baby.

[1:00:02] I can see how she would be so upset

[1:00:03] that she can't really find the words in that moment.

[1:00:06] And I described the moment much more powerfully

[1:00:08] than it is presented in the film, I have to say.

[1:00:10] But, and the Christian, in a great show

[1:00:13] of releasing control, this is his big moment,

[1:00:15] says to the banker, do whatever my wife tells you.

[1:00:18] Even if she is leaving him, then he's gonna do it.

[1:00:22] But then he gets his car and he's like,

[1:00:23] Anna's in trouble, we gotta figure something out.

[1:00:25] This doesn't make sense.

[1:00:26] And he starts tracking her with her phone,

[1:00:29] which is.

[1:00:30] Because she takes the bank manager's phone.

[1:00:33] Yeah, she goes to the bank manager,

[1:00:35] I need to use the emergency exit,

[1:00:36] can you give me your phone?

[1:00:37] And the bank manager's like, these rich fucking clients

[1:00:40] that I have to do everything for.

[1:00:42] Like, it's a real, you get this little glimpse

[1:00:44] into Christian Grey's relationship with his banker,

[1:00:46] which is probably like a Trump, Michael Cohen type thing,

[1:00:49] where it's like, you're my guy, you're on call all the time

[1:00:51] and you always have to debase yourself for me.

[1:00:53] So it's like, Christian's like, hey,

[1:00:55] you're the only guy who knows that I spend most of my money

[1:00:57] on crazily expensive sex toys.

[1:00:59] I need you to buy a stained glass dildo in your name

[1:01:03] so that I can, I'll pay you back for it,

[1:01:04] but I can't have my name on it,

[1:01:06] because I'm famous.

[1:01:07] And the banker's wife is like, Waylon,

[1:01:09] because his last name is Waylon.

[1:01:10] Waylon, why are you?

[1:01:12] Waylon Jennings.

[1:01:13] We don't have this kind of money.

[1:01:14] Why are you spending it all on antique sex toys?

[1:01:18] And he's like, oh no, I like using them

[1:01:20] with my mistress, I guess, honey.

[1:01:21] I can't reveal the identity of my biggest client.

[1:01:24] Anyway, Hyde says, give your phone to the driver.

[1:01:28] There's a car waiting for you.

[1:01:29] The waiting car's being driven by Liz,

[1:01:31] her coworker, who doesn't like her.

[1:01:33] She gives Liz the banker's phone,

[1:01:35] which Liz discards by dropping it in a puddle

[1:01:38] in an alleyway.

[1:01:39] So Christian can still track her phone,

[1:01:41] because that's not creepy, to track your spouse's phone.

[1:01:43] Thank God that bank manager's phone got ruined.

[1:01:46] Yeah, he's like, oh, now where's my phone?

[1:01:49] I had so many games on that.

[1:01:55] Anna goes to drop off the money with Hyde.

[1:01:57] Hyde starts really beating her up badly

[1:01:59] and kicks her in the tummy.

[1:02:01] And she pulls out the gun and shoots him in the knee.

[1:02:04] And then the police show up.

[1:02:06] So a lot of action's packed into the last 20 or so minutes

[1:02:11] of this film, after literally nothing happening

[1:02:14] for the rest of it.

[1:02:15] She shoots him with the gun that showed up in movie two.

[1:02:18] Oh, it all ties together.

[1:02:20] And you see, that gun was pointed at her

[1:02:22] because of Christian's old lover.

[1:02:24] Now she's owned that, and she's repurposed that weapon,

[1:02:28] and she's found her own power source, which is a gun.

[1:02:33] And they all show up.

[1:02:35] They save the sister.

[1:02:37] There's a teary hospital bed reunion.

[1:02:40] After Christian talks to his mom,

[1:02:42] Marcia Gay Harden, in her one scene in the movie,

[1:02:44] and she says, oh no, Anna would never leave you.

[1:02:46] She loves you too much, and she's tenacious.

[1:02:49] And Christian reveals that Liz had had an affair with Hyde,

[1:02:51] and he was blackmailing her with a sex tape.

[1:02:54] Uh-oh.

[1:02:56] And Anna tells Christian, you have to forgive your mother.

[1:02:59] That's the only way we're gonna figure this out,

[1:03:01] and you're gonna feel like you're gonna,

[1:03:02] you have to forgive your mother and love her,

[1:03:03] your birth mother, and love her unconditionally

[1:03:05] the way this baby is gonna love you unconditionally.

[1:03:08] And it's like, yeah, that's true,

[1:03:09] that baby is gonna love me,

[1:03:09] even though he is going to be objectively a terrible dad.

[1:03:12] Like he's, and not because of the sex stuff,

[1:03:14] just because he's a self-centered asshole.

[1:03:18] Then, shocking, shocking turn of events.

[1:03:21] Christian and Anna learn that Christian and Hyde

[1:03:23] were in foster care together.

[1:03:25] What?

[1:03:26] And so Hyde has always been mad

[1:03:27] that the Greys adopted Christian, and not him.

[1:03:30] The Greys took him away in their spaceship?

[1:03:33] Yeah, yeah, and at first he was like,

[1:03:35] yeah, probe him, I don't want it.

[1:03:37] And then it turned out that the Greys were rich aliens,

[1:03:39] and he was like, no, probe me all you want.

[1:03:42] Give me the money.

[1:03:42] Give me that cheddar.

[1:03:45] Give me those credits.

[1:03:46] Give me those AstroBucks.

[1:03:46] I need to buy some Death Sticks.

[1:03:51] Yeah, I guess that's what you spend your AstroBucks on.

[1:03:53] He's already developed a Death Stick by that age.

[1:03:55] That's the problem with foster care.

[1:03:57] It's the indictment of the system.

[1:03:58] And he's like, and Christian's like,

[1:04:00] I'm only me because I was adopted by rich people.

[1:04:02] What if I had turned out like Hyde?

[1:04:04] And she's like, you're a good man.

[1:04:05] You never would have turned out by Hyde.

[1:04:06] All evidence to the contrary.

[1:04:08] You are a controlling monster.

[1:04:10] And that's the thing about being a controlling person

[1:04:12] is that I'm assuming that works really well with children.

[1:04:16] Being in control.

[1:04:17] I mean, you do have to establish boundaries.

[1:04:19] But I'm assuming there's so much out of your control

[1:04:22] when raising a child all through a child's life

[1:04:25] that being a control freak, that'll just drive you crazy.

[1:04:28] Yeah, luckily, he has learned to release some control

[1:04:32] by inviting another human being into his life.

[1:04:36] That human being.

[1:04:37] Boyce Foxx.

[1:04:38] Boyce Foxx, the literary works of Boyce Foxx.

[1:04:42] But Christian still.

[1:04:43] Christian wanders in reading one of his books.

[1:04:46] Anna, have you read these?

[1:04:47] They're so good.

[1:04:48] Yes, Christian, I edit them.

[1:04:50] I told you all about them.

[1:04:51] You should read this.

[1:04:52] I think you'd like it.

[1:04:53] I picked the font size.

[1:04:55] I made it two points bigger.

[1:04:57] Oh, it's so readable.

[1:04:59] That's the Anastasia touch.

[1:05:02] But he still can't cook.

[1:05:03] He tries to cook dinner and he burns a sauce

[1:05:05] and then just dumps it down the sink.

[1:05:07] Then they go visit Christian's birth mother's grave

[1:05:11] in the rain, and that's the perfect segue

[1:05:14] into an electro pop montage of scenes from the past movies

[1:05:17] as we relive the arc of their relationship

[1:05:20] through all the helicopters, private jets,

[1:05:22] and yachts that they've driven on.

[1:05:23] We see Jamie Dornan, Christian Grey

[1:05:27] get pretty noticeably older.

[1:05:29] He, like, I didn't notice it

[1:05:30] until they brought those scenes in,

[1:05:32] but he is, like, Anna does not change very much at all.

[1:05:35] But Christian is really, the hard living

[1:05:37] is starting to take a toll on him.

[1:05:39] He's getting that puffiness,

[1:05:40] that Leonardo DiCaprio puffiness.

[1:05:43] And-

[1:05:46] Great Dane puffiness.

[1:05:47] Dan, you don't have to own everything.

[1:05:52] Yeah, relinquish some control, Dan.

[1:05:54] Yeah, go on.

[1:05:55] Anna then texts Christian, they're back at home,

[1:05:58] texts him to come to the red room

[1:05:59] while he's just noodling on the piano.

[1:06:01] And Christian comes in and she says, like,

[1:06:03] I'm at your pleasure, sir.

[1:06:04] And he comes in and he tells her-

[1:06:08] I'm wearing his best jeans.

[1:06:09] Yeah, she has laid out his-

[1:06:11] His sex jeans.

[1:06:12] His sex jeans.

[1:06:13] Oh, he'll, he's, he can't do this without his wranglers.

[1:06:20] His fucking bugle boys.

[1:06:23] That his mom picked out for him.

[1:06:26] His fucking JNCOs.

[1:06:29] Yeah, now we're gonna shop in the Husky section.

[1:06:31] Mom, I've lost weight,

[1:06:32] I don't need to go to the Husky section.

[1:06:34] Mom, I'm a grown man,

[1:06:35] I'll just shop in the regular sized man's department,

[1:06:37] not the Husky boys department.

[1:06:40] It's like when I was a kid

[1:06:41] and we would go to like TJ Air Fridays

[1:06:43] and my dad would be like,

[1:06:44] don't order the adult size chicken fingers,

[1:06:46] I'm gonna get you two kids meals.

[1:06:47] And I'm like, I'm 15 years old, dad,

[1:06:50] like, can I get an adult meal?

[1:06:51] No, no, no, it's a dollar cheaper

[1:06:53] for me to get two kids chicken fingers.

[1:06:55] It's not as much food, dad.

[1:06:56] It's the same amount of food, it's fine.

[1:06:57] Anyway, I'm still dealing with that trauma.

[1:07:00] But so Christian walks in and he tells her,

[1:07:03] you're topping from the bottom.

[1:07:06] And I can live with that.

[1:07:07] Yeah.

[1:07:08] It's like, oh, now she is the power.

[1:07:10] His character arc is complete, huh?

[1:07:12] So that's right.

[1:07:13] These three movies encompass basically the same thing

[1:07:15] as the second half of Phantom Thread,

[1:07:18] where the dominating man has now become

[1:07:20] the subservient in spirit,

[1:07:23] despite being still dominant

[1:07:24] to the seemingly subservient woman in his relationship.

[1:07:27] That's what happened in Phantom Thread.

[1:07:29] Now, you probably had my experience with Phantom Thread

[1:07:31] where you fell asleep during it

[1:07:32] and had to rewatch the ending.

[1:07:34] Yeah, I assume that after he had that poison stuff,

[1:07:37] he turned into a ghost and he was a phantom.

[1:07:39] Yeah.

[1:07:40] And he started fighting crime

[1:07:41] as the ghost-themed tailor, the Phantom Thread.

[1:07:45] Yeah, he was slamming evil.

[1:07:46] He was, his poster says embroider evil

[1:07:52] and he's poking a needle at the camera.

[1:07:55] And then, but there's a little, the credits start rolling,

[1:07:57] but up, there's a little middle credit scene.

[1:07:59] Is he gonna be part of the Avengers initiative?

[1:08:02] No, we see that they now have a toddler

[1:08:04] and they're living at their old, crumbling,

[1:08:07] hereditary manse that he bought her.

[1:08:09] And they're a family because-

[1:08:12] Until the old crone arrives at the doorstep.

[1:08:15] Because like any Shakespeare comedy,

[1:08:18] no matter what happened in the plot,

[1:08:20] everything's okay as long as the hero

[1:08:22] and the woman pair bond and start a traditional family.

[1:08:27] Take that William Shakespeare.

[1:08:29] Author of Fifty Shades Read.

[1:08:32] Wait, so you're saying what's gonna happen

[1:08:33] in the future to this family?

[1:08:34] What, is there some kind of evil that's waiting for them?

[1:08:36] I mean, I think that's inevitable, right?

[1:08:37] Like you can't reach this kind of amazing happiness

[1:08:41] without something dark from your past

[1:08:43] coming back to fruition.

[1:08:45] Like maybe his great-grandfather, Jedediah Gray,

[1:08:49] the creator of the gray dog shower business.

[1:08:53] Yeah, GDS.

[1:08:53] Maybe this is the person who he showered the dog so much,

[1:08:56] all it's, it just melts.

[1:08:58] It's his bones now?

[1:08:59] Yeah, just bones.

[1:09:02] So it's a Winchester mystery house type thing?

[1:09:04] Yeah, so bones that it became,

[1:09:06] so will you become bones too?

[1:09:08] That's the curse that she spits at them

[1:09:12] before she turns into dust.

[1:09:14] Yeah, and she's like, from now on,

[1:09:19] you'll do a different sort of boning than you're used to.

[1:09:23] And then she turns on a blacklight

[1:09:25] to see he's got a poster of two skeletons having sex.

[1:09:28] Yeah, because he's Jordan Peterson, Canadian academic.

[1:09:34] Yeah, we should move on though.

[1:09:37] Is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[1:09:39] a movie you kind of like?

[1:09:40] Elliot, what do you think?

[1:09:41] I think, I'm gonna give it the faint praise of saying,

[1:09:44] I think this is the best movie of the 50 Shades series.

[1:09:47] I still think it's a bad, no, you know what?

[1:09:48] I'm gonna call it a good, bad movie.

[1:09:50] I'll tell you why.

[1:09:51] One, there's a ton of sex in it.

[1:09:52] There's more sex in this movie

[1:09:53] than I think in the last two movies combined.

[1:09:55] And two, it's like somehow really goofy.

[1:10:00] When it's trying to be super serious yeah i don't know and there's also there's a slightly less amount of.

[1:10:05] Just rich people born with just fancy things to sell a lot of it but you know what yeah i might say good bad movie is pretty stupid.

[1:10:13] Yeah i mean i think it's i think it's good bad movie and i've somehow inexplicably i developed an affection for this series.

[1:10:25] I don't know why i need to take you to be deprogrammed looks like the real sub in this relationship is steward okay i guess i await your pleasure movie uh so yeah i think it's good bad.

[1:10:38] Yeah i mean it's marginal for me but i'll i guess i'll go with the crowd and say good bad uh bow to the pressure i like i like how completely.

[1:10:48] Unimportant all of the supporting characters are and how much time is wasted.

[1:10:53] On them i forgot to mention that so elliot proposes to kate and then.

[1:10:57] Christian and anna are taking a bath together because they have an enormous bath that could fit william howard taft in it and she's like i think that i'm worried that that elliot might be having an affair with geo matteo and he says he probably did have sex with her at some point he slept with half of aspen and she's like oh okay.

[1:11:13] He loves kate oh okay never mind then and then geo matteo was never mentioned again.

[1:11:18] I think the eventual implication is that geo matteo was just there to help pick out the ring i think there was like a throwaway line in front of a jewelry store when they hug and say geo matteo has impeccable taste because who knows kate's tastes better than geo matteo famous tastemaker and bosom habber that you're right i think that was probably and she that's right because they hug and then she pats him on the face yeah.

[1:11:43] And anna takes that to mean as they just had an affair because that's what you do is you give someone a all look at you pat on the face if you have sex but it's because she's like oh you're finally making a real you being a grown up and you're getting married that makes sense now okay i miss that line.

[1:11:56] Now so you think those characters were introduced just so that the fifty shades cinematic universe can have the spin off geo matteo movie the boys fox movie there's the hide movie was part of a team of villains like that kind of stuff.

[1:12:07] Yeah the yeah the fifty shades initiative i don't know it's the fifty shades of it the fs it's called it's all the shades of gray all the shades of gray every last one because i kind of want to see those like yeah stewart i feel like i kind of have this weird horrifying affection for the series now as stupid as it is.

[1:12:24] Friendly fire is a war movie podcast but that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to it boy i'll say you know a lot of people ben and adam might not initially watch a war movie podcast what's in it for me they say yeah i'll tell you what's in it for you what's in it for you is a biting socio political commentary scattered dick and fart jokes.

[1:12:55] A lot of history like there's the depicted wars but also the history of the time period that these films were made and released they're very telling so download friendly fire every friday from your favorite podcatcher or maximum fun.org.

[1:13:11] Friendship is tough especially when you're constantly slaying carnivorous hell beasts spent on your destruction hey make sure to clean the tub i might actually need to shower today oh don't give me that you've been wearing the same pair of track pants since tuesday i mean they still have the size sticker on the leg yeah i do well still i was thinking today might be the day yeah yeah.

[1:13:41] Shit my burrito got some gunk on it but that's just fair haven we make it work bubble the sci-fi comedy from maximum fun.org just open your podcast app and search for bubble.

[1:14:11] Hey everyone because we recorded this the way we did we did not have our ad copy in time to do the normal read so it's another one of your favorite solo ad reads.

[1:14:24] We're going to do a little bit of a weird like a like edward g robinson air horns see anyway tonight or today i don't know when you're doing this i don't know your fucking life don't get on my case.

[1:14:47] Anyway today our podcast is sponsored in part by blue apron you know what blue apron is you've heard about it they put a bunch of food in a box they send the box to you you use that food to make your meals blue apron delivers fresh pre-proportioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked in under 45 minutes

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[1:16:21] a better way to cook also we're sponsored in part by mac wheldon hey listen you like feeling good

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[1:17:56] it's not over yet we got a few jumbotrons here join your hosts tyler the movie buff and brandon

[1:18:03] the movie not enough for the film foil podcast a hat full of a hundred of history's greatest movies

[1:18:10] spurs their fortnightly discussion from two wildly different perspectives listen along as brandon and

[1:18:16] tyler and an occasional surprise guest discuss what they loved about the movie share behind the

[1:18:22] scenes facts offer recommendations of further viewing and decide whether or not brandon's dad

[1:18:28] would enjoy the movie search for film foil on your podcast player of choice or go to film foil

[1:18:35] podcast.com and secondly secondly on the jumbotron which you can get on yourself if you go to

[1:18:44] maximumfund.org slash jumbotron this is a another podcast it's called unaired

[1:18:53] unaired is a podcast where each week the hosts watch a tv show cancelled with episodes left

[1:19:00] unaired review it then pitch their their ideas for what could have been in those episodes of

[1:19:05] those shows they do segments like the tooch is loose where they include guest appearances of

[1:19:11] stanley toochie in their episode pitches and commercialize this shitty show where they share

[1:19:17] their marketing plans for these shows new episodes every thursday and you can find them on itunes or

[1:19:23] wherever you find podcasts so check out unaired wherever you find podcasts where do you find them

[1:19:32] on the beach no those are shells don't try and put those in your ears anyway back to the show

[1:19:39] let's move on no we have to oh two letters from listeners wait dan before we do that

[1:19:48] i'd just like to remind people we have another we have another live show coming up

[1:19:51] okay in june all right on june 23rd okay in seattle washington true at all it's june 30th

[1:20:00] Well, this is well, I should have written it down.

[1:20:01] OK, yeah, that's right. June 30th in Seattle, Washington.

[1:20:04] Go to Flophouse to podcast slash dot com slash events at the Neptune Theater.

[1:20:09] And I think there's still tickets left as the Lord of the Deep

[1:20:12] will be under the sea.

[1:20:14] Not really. Yeah, are we?

[1:20:17] I got to get my gills put in

[1:20:20] Stuart's face right now.

[1:20:23] It's like confusion, anger and delight all at once, all at the same time.

[1:20:28] Others also known as Stuart's reaction to anything we say.

[1:20:31] But yeah, June 30th in Seattle, Washington.

[1:20:33] Flophouse podcast dot com slash events.

[1:20:36] Get some tickets.

[1:20:36] That'll be our it's our last live show before another Kaelin enters the world.

[1:20:40] That's true.

[1:20:41] It'll be my last live show before I have a second child

[1:20:43] and are not doing live shows for a little bit as I do not pull a Christian gray

[1:20:48] and jet off when my family is growing that I stick around.

[1:20:53] I feel like he's just asking for a heartwarming moment where we're like,

[1:20:57] Elliot, you're nothing like Christian Gray.

[1:20:59] No, I'd be just like Hyde if I were Christian Gray.

[1:21:02] If I had been a kid with it, it was in foster care

[1:21:05] and it was adopted by a rich family or not what you've made of yourself.

[1:21:08] No, no, no.

[1:21:09] I'm I'm I'm just all of us are just candles in the wind.

[1:21:13] We're just dust in the wind to candle dust.

[1:21:17] Candle dust, 12 tracks by.

[1:21:21] I was going to say the candle does sounds like a really cheapie

[1:21:23] like fantasy horror movie.

[1:21:25] Like, have you heard the legend of Jack?

[1:21:26] Candle dust doesn't make any sense.

[1:21:29] There's no nothing about candles creates dust.

[1:21:32] No, it's wax.

[1:21:35] We shouldn't do letters, though.

[1:21:36] This first letter is from.

[1:21:40] I will have a lot of trouble saying this name.

[1:21:46] I'm going to go with nausea.

[1:21:47] Last name withheld. OK.

[1:21:49] And it goes like this.

[1:21:51] Hey, fellas, I was working in the garage Sunday afternoon.

[1:21:54] I was also listening to the USS Indianapolis Men of Courage episode.

[1:21:57] Wait, let me say one thing, Dan.

[1:21:58] I appreciate these Tokyo studio guns did not apologize for possibly

[1:22:01] mispronouncing the name, but just stated, I'm going to have trouble with this.

[1:22:06] This is your problem, Naja.

[1:22:09] So she was listening to the USS Nap Town episode.

[1:22:12] Yeah. Mm hmm.

[1:22:13] Men of Courage. Old men talk about how much they hate sharks.

[1:22:16] I hate sharks.

[1:22:18] I hate them. I don't care what anybody says.

[1:22:21] Who's telling you to feel better about sharks?

[1:22:23] You know, my six year old daughter thoughtfully decided to bring me a Capri sun

[1:22:27] just as Elliot was hitting a stride with the fan favorite.

[1:22:30] Wow. I'm on Wilson.

[1:22:34] My daughter thought this was hysterical and asked me,

[1:22:36] Daddy, why is this man so surprised by everything?

[1:22:39] I told her that it was none other than Lightning McQueen acting so incredulous.

[1:22:42] And she thought that was great.

[1:22:44] Later that afternoon, her five year old cousin visited and brought her

[1:22:47] his collection of Pixar's Cars toys.

[1:22:50] I couldn't have been prouder than when my daughter started driving

[1:22:52] the Lightning McQueen car around the floor saying, Wow, I'm Lightning McQueen.

[1:22:56] Wow.

[1:22:59] This totally infuriated my nephews

[1:23:01] who kept trying to stop my daughter from quoting this hilarious line.

[1:23:05] And we was even prouder when she persisted.

[1:23:08] I've decided to try convincing her to replace Lightning McQueen's

[1:23:11] catchphrase, Ka-Chow with Ra-Row, purely for my own entertainment.

[1:23:16] I can't imagine her cousin reacting calmly to this either.

[1:23:20] What's the worst movie misquote you've ever been bothered by?

[1:23:23] Keep on flopping.

[1:23:25] Uh, this is a tough question.

[1:23:27] I'm not sure that I actually have a good answer, but I like the.

[1:23:29] That's I think that's an adorable story and I love it.

[1:23:32] And as the father of a child who also loves the Cars films

[1:23:35] and is always talking about Lightning McQueen, as he calls him,

[1:23:39] he's called Lightning McQueen, like the queen.

[1:23:41] But now he says Lightning McQueen.

[1:23:43] My son, he speaks very well, but he still occasionally says things

[1:23:46] like ambulance instead of ambulance, but which in an emergency situation,

[1:23:50] that can be terrifying.

[1:23:51] I call me an ambulance.

[1:23:53] A what? An ambulance.

[1:23:54] Oh, sir, we don't have those. It's not a word.

[1:23:58] We have we have a right array of cars we could have.

[1:24:01] We could send the Toyota Camry if sir prefers that.

[1:24:07] I'm glad the person knows enough that he's talking about a motor vehicle.

[1:24:11] An ambulance sounds like ambulance, so maybe they're related.

[1:24:14] Instead of us, I'm not the exact same thing.

[1:24:16] Instead of assuming that's what you mean.

[1:24:17] I'll assume it's in the same family, but I've never heard of it before.

[1:24:21] Maybe it's your vision.

[1:24:24] Yeah. Oh, a caterpillar.

[1:24:26] It sounds like caterpillar, but I'll assume this is some new type of bug

[1:24:29] that's just been discovered by you.

[1:24:31] Congratulations, little child.

[1:24:33] We call we call them Sammy's now.

[1:24:38] So there was a when I used to work at Suncoast Motion Picture Company

[1:24:42] in the Short Hills Mall.

[1:24:43] This is a this is a videotape sales store.

[1:24:45] We did not rent them.

[1:24:46] We only sold them.

[1:24:47] And we had this big book where you could look up movies to see.

[1:24:51] There were all the movies, I think, that the store carried.

[1:24:53] And there were little descript capsule descriptions written of each.

[1:24:55] So someone asked you about them.

[1:24:56] You know something about it.

[1:24:58] And in the in the description for Chinatown, a great movie,

[1:25:03] which has, of course, the incredibly memorable final line.

[1:25:06] Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

[1:25:08] They the opening of the capsule description says it's just Chinatown.

[1:25:13] Jake, with these words, Roman plans, he's like, and it was like, wait, what?

[1:25:18] Like that's not the in quotes.

[1:25:21] So I was just like, I mean, make me so mad.

[1:25:23] I was like, look, you're supposed to be the authority on this.

[1:25:26] Then I did also just look at the movie, just ends with somebody

[1:25:27] shrugging their shoulders, going, it's just Chinatown, Jake.

[1:25:32] Yeah, it's so much less effectually.

[1:25:35] Yeah. What are you going to do?

[1:25:37] It's just Chinatown.

[1:25:38] Truly the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug.

[1:25:40] Yeah, it's a great man.

[1:25:41] Someone said, oh, that's my man, me right now.

[1:25:44] Oh, wow. Wow.

[1:25:46] Wow. Mark Twain. Wow.

[1:25:51] This next letter is from Gary.

[1:25:52] Last name withheld. Unmarried.

[1:25:54] Larson, who writes Gary Larson.

[1:25:57] Really? Yeah.

[1:25:58] Dashing Dan, Steely Stu and Effervescent Elliot.

[1:26:01] Oh, Stanley wrote this.

[1:26:04] Do you think they'll make a shitty movie about Tetris someday?

[1:26:06] Will it be an animated film bought you by the dinks that made Minions?

[1:26:11] Will Alec Baldwin voice the garbage square block?

[1:26:14] Will Adam Baldwin voice the garbage L-shaped block?

[1:26:17] Or will it be Hogwarts live action film about some generic ass dude

[1:26:20] played by Dax Shepard or Josh Gad helping the fucking shitty ass T-shaped block?

[1:26:25] Probably voiced by Nick Kroll.

[1:26:26] Get back together with his girlfriend.

[1:26:28] The fucking Z-shaped block is probably voiced by Tina Fey or some shit.

[1:26:32] Hagrid is probably going to fucking show up to say,

[1:26:34] you're a wizard, T-shaped block.

[1:26:36] He'll probably say like an asshole.

[1:26:38] Gary Larson is very mad about this.

[1:26:40] Keep it floppy, Gary Larson with hope.

[1:26:41] Here's I'm going to tell you what the movie's going to be.

[1:26:43] One, it could be just like the Emoji movie.

[1:26:45] We all have our shapes and we fit together.

[1:26:46] But my son is a new type of shape that doesn't fit.

[1:26:49] Here's what's going to be.

[1:26:50] It's going to be just like it's going to

[1:26:52] signal the release of Tetris to the game where they have a new shape.

[1:26:55] Yeah, exactly.

[1:26:56] Like when Super Mario Brothers three was tied in with the wizard

[1:26:58] starring Fred Savage.

[1:27:00] What was the what was that movie?

[1:27:03] Was it called Chompers or Arcade?

[1:27:05] The one with Adam Sandler? Pixels.

[1:27:07] That's what it's going to be.

[1:27:08] Aliens are crushing American cities with enormous blocks.

[1:27:11] And one guy has to use his video game skills.

[1:27:13] They can't stop the blocks,

[1:27:14] but he can maneuver them in midair as they're falling to miss the buildings.

[1:27:18] And it's not going to be like Dwayne The Rock Johnson has to jump into blocks,

[1:27:22] knocking them into or like into shape.

[1:27:24] Oh, maybe. Yeah, it could be that.

[1:27:25] That's the other way to go, too. Yeah.

[1:27:27] All right. So I guess, Gary, you share screenwriting credit with us.

[1:27:32] Well, story by where this will lead up to the guild to arbitrate that.

[1:27:39] Never give away screenwriting credit.

[1:27:40] No, you're right. Doing it.

[1:27:42] We didn't have a paper trail.

[1:27:43] Delete that email. Delete the recording.

[1:27:47] As soon as these emails get read, they get

[1:27:50] thrown into the trash with extreme prejudice.

[1:27:53] Well, you're really making friends with the fans.

[1:27:55] Yeah. And by that, it means Dan puts on sunglasses when he does it.

[1:28:00] Say you're terminated.

[1:28:02] It's it's the key on his Schwarzenegger soundboard.

[1:28:06] And I feel like so after the show last night, after the live shows,

[1:28:11] we always hang out with the with the fans.

[1:28:13] And I feel like Dan used up his social ability last night.

[1:28:16] And now he's just like, I hate the fans.

[1:28:19] I don't like their names. I don't like their letters.

[1:28:22] Well, we'll see what this the end of this next.

[1:28:26] We'll see what the end of this next letter will tell you.

[1:28:28] Well, so much anticipation.

[1:28:30] Not really. Not really.

[1:28:32] I was just trying to find a segue.

[1:28:34] Maybe a segue that has a little fewer stakes would be that

[1:28:38] this one's from Spencer.

[1:28:39] Just look underneath Paul Blart, dude.

[1:28:40] You'll find a stake.

[1:28:42] Now a segue.

[1:28:44] I'm sure if you looked under Paul Blart, you'd find a stake, too.

[1:28:49] And yes, that is a bad joke, and I apologize.

[1:28:52] Spencer, I'm making fun of the character, not the performer.

[1:28:55] Spencer, last name withheld.

[1:28:56] Yes. Right. Spencer S. Gifts.

[1:29:00] The S stands for Spencer.

[1:29:02] A flop of doodles, first time listener, longtime writer.

[1:29:05] I currently find myself with seven weeks left in my undergraduate career

[1:29:08] and face regulations ahead of time and facing all the anxiety

[1:29:12] that comes with that of school preparing to enter the real world.

[1:29:16] I wonder whether I've made the right choice in my overly vague

[1:29:18] public relations degree.

[1:29:20] I've also wondered about the career choices of some filmmakers.

[1:29:24] Now, that's a segue, dad.

[1:29:26] For example, if Zack Snyder was a full time director of photography

[1:29:30] who frequently partnered with a director who understood good storytelling,

[1:29:33] I believe his work as a DP would be generally more well regarded

[1:29:36] than his work as a director.

[1:29:38] What other filmmakers do you think would flourish more in other areas

[1:29:41] of the filmmaking process than the ones that are best known for

[1:29:44] or ones that have tried their hands in other areas and have failed?

[1:29:47] Yours forever and warmly boners.

[1:29:49] Spencer, last name withheld.

[1:29:51] Yes, I hear the way to get a letter on the show is to butter up Dan.

[1:29:54] Fuck that noise.

[1:29:56] Stu Balls, you're my boy.

[1:29:58] Wow. And I am a nonentity.

[1:30:00] I am Stew Balls.

[1:30:07] That's the movie about an alien robot lands on Earth and a kid finds it and nicknames him Stew Balls and the alien robot doesn't like it.

[1:30:15] And then the kid gets kidnapped by the government or something because they're trying to get the robot.

[1:30:18] The robot, to save the kid, bursts through the wall and goes, I am – because they go, it's Project XQ-47.

[1:30:24] I am not Project XQ-47. I am Stew Balls.

[1:30:29] And then I throw the evil executive off the building and the good executive is like, hey, what's your name, son? And I go, Stew Balls.

[1:30:37] Nice shooting, son. What's your name? Stew Balls.

[1:30:39] And as the evil executive falls to his death, his arms get really long for some reason.

[1:30:45] Because they cut out the scene where he gets Mr. Fantastic powers.

[1:30:50] That's right. He's trying to stretch his arms back up to the window to catch it.

[1:30:56] They're like, Verhoeven, this one scene where he gets superpowers, it doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the movie.

[1:31:02] Otherwise, the movie is brilliant. It's such a tightly constructed piece of work.

[1:31:05] But there's a scene that's the end of old folk. We've already done the arm lengthening special effects.

[1:31:10] No one will notice. Fast forward to Dan, 30 years later.

[1:31:16] Dear Paul – can I call you Paul? Sorry, that was presumptuous of me.

[1:31:20] Mr. Verhoeven – what's the deal with this one scene?

[1:31:22] And he gets the letter while he's making a documentary about Jesus or something.

[1:31:25] And he goes, all of my mistakes have come back to haunt me.

[1:31:29] The sins of the past are repaid upon the Father as on the Son.

[1:31:33] And then he puts sunglasses on and throws it in the fire.

[1:31:36] He says, you're terminated.

[1:31:39] It's the soundboard key. I don't know why I did that since I pretty much sound like him anyway.

[1:31:47] So to clarify what this letter is asking, is he asking what filmmakers would do better in different roles?

[1:31:57] I think it – since I'm kind of vague on exactly every element of input that a director has, I would probably –

[1:32:05] can I clarify this question to more of a what director has – what are some good things about directors that I don't like?

[1:32:12] That's a way to put a positive spin on it, yeah, because I was going to go the way he asked.

[1:32:15] And that would have been negative.

[1:32:17] Yeah, I mean I feel like – I don't know.

[1:32:20] There's – I feel like there's certain things that Wes Anderson does really well.

[1:32:26] He obviously puts a lot of care into his movies.

[1:32:28] There's a lot of – they're designed very well, but I find his stories usually very emotionally distant and not something that I can connect with.

[1:32:37] So maybe that sort of thing?

[1:32:42] I mean I think that's more a sense of him having a taste that's not your taste, but I think he does fall on the same tropes a lot, which is frustrating.

[1:32:51] I like his movies a lot, but I did not see Island of Dogs partly because in the trailer, there's that scene where the woman goes – the girl character goes, I think I have a crush on him, and it's like, no, I'm tired of that.

[1:33:01] I've seen that same relationship in your movies multiple times now, and in Moonrise Kingdom, I loved it, but I can't see it over and over again in every movie.

[1:33:09] Yeah.

[1:33:10] I've often thought that setting aside a couple movies like Ed Wood, which is fantastic, Tim Burton would have been better off as an art director necessarily than as a director because he doesn't – his movies, yeah, they're not super strong on story.

[1:33:23] They almost always look amazing, and it feels like he has such a personal style, but movies are not even necessarily the right form for it in a way because they're so story-based.

[1:33:37] On a similar note, I think that probably Barry Sonnenfeld should have stayed as a cinematographer rather than becoming a director.

[1:33:43] You say that in the face of the two Addams Family movies?

[1:33:46] Movies I enjoy.

[1:33:48] Yeah.

[1:33:49] Movies I enjoy.

[1:33:51] And I also think – this is going to sound weird – that I think Noah Vombach should not write his movies.

[1:33:57] I think he gets really good performances out of actors.

[1:33:59] He does a serviceable job of shooting things.

[1:34:01] Everything looks fine, but I watched – watching Meyerowitz stories and watching a bunch of his other ones recently, and I was like, oh, these are movies kind of in search of a plot in a lot of ways and the character development.

[1:34:19] Even for a guy who has strong characters in his movies, it's like so much rests on the performances.

[1:34:23] Like The Squid and the Whale I'm not a huge fan of, and I feel like without those performances, that movie doesn't work.

[1:34:28] So it's like maybe you should just direct someone else's scripts, maybe like a Marvel movie, Noah Vombach.

[1:34:35] Movies known for having amazing scripts.

[1:34:38] And he – but the thing is he writes good dialogue.

[1:34:40] So here's what you do.

[1:34:42] You take someone else's screenplay.

[1:34:44] You punch up the dialogue, which a lot of directors do anyway, and then you just direct it that way.

[1:34:47] How about that, Noah?

[1:34:48] I mean that movie Noah was a real departure for him, I know, because he didn't make it.

[1:34:54] Sure.

[1:34:56] Yeah, the biggest departure that one can have.

[1:34:59] Is not doing it, yeah.

[1:35:00] Not doing the thing.

[1:35:02] Yeah, so those are some letters that we answered.

[1:35:07] Okay, Dan, put on your sunglasses and throw them in the fire.

[1:35:09] You're terminated.

[1:35:11] Awesome.

[1:35:13] Now what do we do on this podcast?

[1:35:15] Our last segment on the podcast is always to recommend something that we like that maybe you should watch before watching the movie that we have cursed ourselves to have to watch due to the format of our show.

[1:35:29] So I'm going to jump in here to make sure Dan doesn't steal this recommendation.

[1:35:34] I haven't seen a ton of movies lately, but I went and saw Han Solo the movie recently.

[1:35:39] It's not the title.

[1:35:42] Han Solo the movie, a movie about Star Wars is the subtitle.

[1:35:46] A movie about Star Wars?

[1:35:48] Yeah, I mean technically.

[1:35:51] It's about a Star War, I guess, yeah.

[1:35:53] Somebody check the rule book.

[1:35:55] We won't allow it.

[1:35:56] It's a great day to smoke it.

[1:35:59] So yeah, I mean it's like I love Star Wars.

[1:36:02] I love, you know, even the bad ones I'm going to be at least somewhat affectionate toward.

[1:36:08] But I thought this managed to be a fun little heist movie.

[1:36:12] The performances are pretty great.

[1:36:16] There's some set pieces that are real standouts.

[1:36:19] There's at least one set piece on a train that for me is an all time great Star Wars set piece.

[1:36:25] And it's fun to see actors like Woody Harrelson just kind of slip right into the Star Wars universe.

[1:36:31] And at the same time the movie kind of has its own, like it's clearly set in Star Wars,

[1:36:36] but it also uses its own film language.

[1:36:39] It feels different than the rest.

[1:36:41] So yeah, if you are putting off seeing it because maybe you had heard bad things about the production,

[1:36:47] I would say give it a shot.

[1:36:49] You'll be pleasantly surprised.

[1:36:51] I would like to recommend a movie that I was certain I had recommended or someone had recommended before.

[1:37:00] I went on Flophouse Recommends.

[1:37:02] Stop making sense.

[1:37:04] It claims that it has never been recommended.

[1:37:08] It seems like it would have been recommended when we talked about one of the previous Fifty Shades movies,

[1:37:12] but I'm going to go for Secretary.

[1:37:14] Oh, you've never recommended Secretary?

[1:37:16] Yeah, apparently not.

[1:37:19] It wasn't like a new movie.

[1:37:21] No, I know.

[1:37:22] It's not so old that it's like a rediscovery.

[1:37:24] Now's the time for America to fall back in love again with Secretary.

[1:37:27] So if you're going to watch a movie about a dominant, submissive relationship,

[1:37:31] why not watch one that's good and that's called Secretary?

[1:37:34] I mean, Secretary has the exact same character arc as all three Fifty Shades movies but in one movie.

[1:37:40] Yeah.

[1:37:41] But also, I feel like Secretary doesn't vilify the sex necessarily,

[1:37:47] but it does show how the male is doing things wrong and corrects that.

[1:37:54] You mean he's doing things wrong and corrects himself?

[1:37:57] Yeah, he corrects his controlling behavior, but it's also genuinely sexy in a way that none of the Fifty Shades movies are.

[1:38:06] And it's got great performances by Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader.

[1:38:10] It was Maggie Gyllenhaal's breakout role.

[1:38:12] Yeah.

[1:38:13] James Spader's breakout role.

[1:38:15] Run off and watch Secretary.

[1:38:17] New hot young talent, James Spader.

[1:38:20] I'm going to recommend a very different movie.

[1:38:23] It's an old movie.

[1:38:24] Hey, guys.

[1:38:25] I'm going to recommend a movie called Come and Get It, which is –

[1:38:29] Spelled C-U-M?

[1:38:30] No.

[1:38:31] Gross.

[1:38:32] Anyway, it's an all-star movie all around.

[1:38:34] It was credited to being directed by Howard Hawks and William Wyler, which is crazy, and it was shot by Greg Toland.

[1:38:41] And this is at a period where – it's kind of a minor movie for all those guys.

[1:38:45] It's before Greg Toland really got into the style we think of him with, with Susan Cain and –

[1:38:51] I was thinking Greg Allman.

[1:38:52] That would have been crazy.

[1:38:53] Yeah, Greg Allman.

[1:38:55] It stars Edward Arnold and Joel McCrea – or Joel McCrea, however it's pronounced –

[1:38:58] and Francis Farmer and Walter Brennan, and Walter Brennan won Best Supporting Actor for it.

[1:39:02] And it's the story of a lumber baron.

[1:39:05] He's a former lumberjack, Edward Arnold, who becomes a lumber baron, and instead of marrying the woman that he loves,

[1:39:11] who is a dance hall singer, he marries a rich girl so that he can join her father's business

[1:39:17] and regrets it for the rest of his life and finds himself eventually at a point where he has a crush on that woman's daughter

[1:39:25] at the same time that she's falling for his son.

[1:39:27] So it's an old-fashioned family love triangle saga, but everyone's really good in it.

[1:39:32] The one problem is that Edward Arnold plays himself as both a young man and like a middle-aged man,

[1:39:37] and it's like he never looks like a young man.

[1:39:40] It's like Bob Odenkirk on Better Call Saul.

[1:39:42] Kind of, yeah, except not as believable.

[1:39:46] But it's just a really good historical drama of people on the frontier and then dealing with the –

[1:40:00] out in the wild and then dealing with that success later as a man who's

[1:40:02] supposed to be respectable but now wants to have the things that he's denied

[1:40:06] himself in the past and I just really liked a lot it's called come and get it

[1:40:09] and the title comes from the idea of calling lumberjacks into lunch or a

[1:40:13] dinner you would ring a bell and say come and get it and it's kind of like

[1:40:16] when it be that takes on a larger meaning but it's it's a kind of a silly

[1:40:22] title for a movie that's not a silly movie yeah although you do have Walter

[1:40:25] Brennan doing this kind of Swede accent that used to see in movies all the time

[1:40:29] in the 30s there was always like a lovable goofy Swedish guy who'd be like

[1:40:33] oh well by you many all and that's something that has completely evaporated

[1:40:37] from movie screens it's very funny these people have assimilated into the culture

[1:40:42] I know but it's like I mean but yeah if you watch one of those movies now it

[1:40:45] just disappears they're just like hey guys but it's just like a it's a funny

[1:40:50] this it's funny when like there's an ethnic stereotype that just doesn't you

[1:40:55] don't see it anymore you know but at the time it was like oh yeah the famous

[1:40:58] goofy Swede yeah all right guys well we should sign off so Stuart's wife can

[1:41:03] stop tiptoeing around her own hotel room yeah you're talking like idiots

[1:41:08] speak for yourself brandishing a rolling pin menacingly ever take those curlers

[1:41:16] out of her hair no I mean gee that's that was the secret to getting curly

[1:41:20] hair is wear curlers for 40 years curly for a day yeah yeah all right and the

[1:41:27] secret to curly's gold is I guess it's a map written on the back of the thing

[1:41:30] never found out it was too sad only legends remain and I'm gonna apologize

[1:41:36] ahead of time for the retrograde jokes about about the angry wife that we were

[1:41:40] just making guys there's a thin line between ironic stuff like that and real

[1:41:44] stuff like that yeah a thin line between love and hate yeah we were just

[1:41:48] imagining that we're referencing the Lockhorns oh yeah or I mean it is really

[1:41:53] more handicap yeah the Lockhorns would be more of like she can't drive and he's

[1:41:56] always ogling Gia Matteo all right well now that Gia Matteo has swept the nation

[1:42:03] once again oh no wait here's what I want to see Hollywood and then we'll go I

[1:42:07] want to see a Lockhorns movie and at the very end we learned that the Lockhorns

[1:42:10] changed their names at some point and their original names were Christian and

[1:42:14] Anna Gray uh-oh just like split spoiler alert was that was that was an

[1:42:19] unbreakable sequel it turns out that it turns that Fifty Shades Freed is a

[1:42:23] prequel to the Lockhorns movie oh man here we go again time makes Lockhorns

[1:42:28] of us all yep all right well for the flop house I've been Dan McCoy hey I'm

[1:42:33] Stuart Wellington and I'm Ellie Kaelin good night everyone

[1:42:43] I guess we do the intro and then we do the thing oh is that how we do this

[1:42:48] really okay you want you're the one who usually forgets holes in your court go

[1:42:55] for it we have any jumbotrons or ads or anything

[1:42:58] Oh Dan's gonna have to do it for like a question he's gonna have to do some

[1:43:03] classic dance people love those this is the point where Stuart or Ellie would

[1:43:10] make fun of me

[1:43:13] maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

Ep. #259 - Fifty Shades Freed

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