Ep. #259 - Fifty Shades Freed

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Fifty Shades Freed.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] That's right. We're free of the Fifty Shades of Grey series after this.

[0:08] The curse is broken.

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] A lot of big energy coming out of Dan.

[0:41] This is Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:42] And over here, it's Elliot Kalin, voice of Little Froggy, because we're all tired.

[0:47] Yeah, let's draw back the curtain.

Dan McCoy

[0:48] We just had our DC live show last night, and we were out until 2 because we're idiots.

[0:57] Fully knowing we were going to record an episode the next day.

[1:00] And now we're huddled around a tiny table in a hotel room, closer than ever.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] Guys, this is what I want out of my life.

[1:09] Hanging out with my best buds, my wife most likely going to come back into the room and yell at us for not being done recording yet.

[1:16] At some point, you may hear the electronic.

[1:18] I don't know why I let her pack that rolling pin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Yeah, you're always telling Pet that she shouldn't get mad at you.

[1:27] You may hear at some point the electronic sounds of the door to Stuart's, for some reason, ADA-compliant hotel room opening up.

[1:35] I'm not saying hotel rooms shouldn't be ADA-compliant.

[1:38] I'm saying they should not go to Stuart.

[1:39] They should go to people who need them.

[1:40] Stuart is able-bodied.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] Boy, is he ever.

[1:43] Well, when I checked in, they were like,

[1:45] Kane and able-bodied.

[1:46] And Mr. Wellington, do you have any special needs?

[1:48] And I'm like, my desires are unconventional.

[1:54] They're like, fuck it, just give them that room.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] Do you have any special needs?

[1:58] Well, there's such a thin line between pain and pleasure.

[2:02] Mr. Wellington.

[2:03] Cenobite?

[2:03] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] I have such things to show you.

[2:08] Yep.

[2:08] My Cenobite name would be Sunglasses Face.

[2:14] I mean, doesn't-

[2:15] Doesn't Pinhead wear sunglasses?

[2:16] No, it's one of the other guys who wears sunglasses.

[2:19] The fat one.

[2:19] Oh, Butterball does have sunglasses.

[2:21] Butterball wears sunglasses, yeah.

[2:22] Man, it's unfair that he gets two things.

Dan McCoy

[2:27] One of them being that he's fat?

[2:29] I don't-

Stuart Wellington

[2:29] I mean, that's what his name is based around,

[2:31] unless the brand of sunglasses is Butterball.

[2:33] Some weird branding option for the turkey company.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] He's the heir to the Butterball turkey fortune.

[2:38] That makes sense.

[2:39] There's every one of these rich families,

[2:41] and this will tie into Fifty Shades Freed.

[2:42] Okay.

[2:43] Everyone of these rich families has the black sheep,

[2:45] who is the rogue of the family,

[2:48] and for the Butterball family-

[2:49] Tobias Butterball.

[2:50] Yeah, it's Tobias Butterball,

[2:52] who became a Cenobite,

[2:54] and hangs out with his leather and pin friends.

[2:56] Yeah.

[2:58] What's the name of the woman

[2:59] who talks to her vocal cords?

[3:01] I don't remember.

[3:02] Who's just, like, throat open?

Stuart Wellington

[3:03] I know Chatterbox and Butterball,

[3:06] but I don't remember her name.

[3:06] And, of course, Pinhead and CDhead

[3:08] in the later movies.

[3:09] Yeah, CDhead, he's really cool.

[3:10] And who is it, Julia?

[3:12] I love it.

[3:12] CDhead is like-

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] It's Julia, right?

[3:15] Yeah, maybe Julia.

[3:16] Oh, man, she's fucking awesome.

[3:17] CDhead is like,

[3:18] this recording technology will never be obsolete.

[3:21] I'll always be on the cutting edge.

[3:23] Isn't that right?

[3:24] Phillips, CD-I head,

[3:25] and 3DO head?

Stuart Wellington

[3:27] Yeah, he says cutting edge,

[3:29] and then throws a razor-sharp CD

[3:31] through somebody's chest.

[3:33] And they're like,

Elliott Kalan

[3:34] this is not pleasure at all.

[3:36] It's only pain.

Stuart Wellington

[3:37] And then they look down,

[3:38] and they're like,

[3:39] oh, that's that Spin Doctor's record.

[3:41] I guess I do get pleasure from this.

Elliott Kalan

[3:44] This is a mobile gold Fidelity CD.

[3:46] What a ripoff.

[3:50] Okay, guys.

[3:51] Let's talk about,

[3:52] that's enough talk about Cinnabites.

[3:53] I guess so.

[3:54] Cinnabites,

[3:55] which I think we may have talked about,

[3:56] was the breakfast cereal version of Cinnabites.

[4:00] It was Clive Barker's Cinnabites.

Stuart Wellington

[4:02] You open up a box,

[4:03] and instead of chains,

[4:04] cereal comes out.

[4:05] They go,

[4:05] there's such a thin line

[4:06] between candy and breakfast.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] The sweet taste of Cinnabites.

Stuart Wellington

[4:13] Cinnabite flavor,

[4:14] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[4:14] Is that your Clive Barker impression?

[4:16] Yeah,

[4:16] that's what he sounds like.

[4:17] Yeah,

[4:18] famous English author,

[4:19] Clive Barker,

[4:20] he just kind of sounds creepy.

[4:23] It was a weird move

[4:24] for the Cookie Crisp dog

[4:25] to do those commercials also.

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] Yeah,

[4:28] when he just shows up like,

[4:30] chained to a wall.

[4:31] Yeah.

[4:32] In a room that's like,

[4:34] this doesn't even seem like a film set.

[4:36] Did they just go into somebody's apartment?

Elliott Kalan

[4:40] Oh man,

[4:40] I love those movies.

[4:41] They're really good.

[4:42] Okay,

[4:43] speaking of good movies,

[4:44] what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[4:46] Well,

[4:47] we watch a bad one,

[4:48] a movie that is.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] A movie that is.

[4:51] And then we talk about it.

[4:54] They went on down to bad movies,

[4:56] or movies that is.

[4:58] Madden.

[4:58] It's very clear,

Stuart Wellington

[5:00] but it was movies.

[5:02] I don't know why I would say that.

[5:04] Okay,

[5:04] so we watch a bad movie,

[5:06] then we talk about it,

[5:07] and today we're going to do just that.

[5:09] Talk about a movie.

Dan McCoy

[5:10] Yeah,

[5:10] we were also huddled around Elliot's computer earlier,

[5:15] watching Fifty Shades Freed.

[5:16] We really,

[5:18] you know,

[5:18] this shows a technological marvel,

[5:20] guys.

[5:20] We use computers,

[5:22] we're tapping phone lines,

Elliott Kalan

[5:24] you know that that ain't allowed.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] We're tapping phone lines.

[5:29] As soon as we find out what a phone is.

[5:31] I mean,

[5:32] that's the magical realm.

[5:33] That's why we got to tap the line.

[5:34] Yeah,

[5:34] that's the magical realm

[5:35] that Magic Tavern lives in.

[5:36] Oh,

[5:36] that's right,

[5:37] yeah.

[5:37] My mispronunciation really ruined

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] my Talking Heads reference.

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] We were all huddled around Elliot's computer,

[5:43] just the sheer sweat and heat of our bodies

[5:45] mingling together.

[5:47] So turned on by what we were seeing

Elliott Kalan

[5:48] in the final third of the Fifty Shades trilogy.

[5:52] Now,

[5:52] to remind people,

[5:53] what happens in the Fifty Shades movies,

[5:54] in the first movie,

[5:56] we're introduced to Christian Grey,

[5:57] very rich.

[5:58] He's basically like Batman.

[5:59] If Batman,

[6:00] instead of being a superhero,

[6:01] was a...

[6:02] He channeled his energy into...

[6:03] Was a masochist.

[6:04] Yeah.

[6:05] Or a sadist,

[6:05] he calls himself.

[6:06] I mean,

[6:07] he does dress up in a big rubber suit,

Dan McCoy

[6:08] so there's a little crossover.

[6:10] Batman does.

[6:11] Christian Grey doesn't.

[6:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:12] I mean...

[6:13] I mean,

[6:13] maybe.

[6:14] I mean,

[6:14] we don't see every aspect of his life,

[6:16] Elliot.

[6:16] Just because it's not on screen

[6:17] doesn't mean it's not part of the story.

[6:19] Good point.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] There's so much going on outside the frame.

[6:21] Yeah.

[6:22] Christian Grey is a sadist.

[6:23] He meets Anastasia Steele,

[6:25] who is a seemingly normal woman

[6:27] who piques his interest

[6:28] and becomes his erotic obsession.

[6:31] And she is intrigued by his world of

[6:33] outre sexuality.

[6:36] And wealth.

[6:37] And wealth.

[6:38] And also that he owns a helicopter,

[6:39] a private jet,

[6:40] houses in every place in the world,

[6:42] fancy cars.

[6:43] And that second movie,

[6:45] what was it called?

[6:45] Fifty Shades Returns.

[6:47] Fifty Shades Darker.

[6:48] Fifty Shades Darker.

[6:49] Escape to Fifty Shades.

[6:51] Fifty Shades Strikes Back.

Dan McCoy

[6:54] Well, yeah.

[6:55] Return to Fifty Shades.

[6:56] Beneath Fifty Shades.

[6:58] Escape to Fifty Shades Mountain.

Stuart Wellington

[7:00] Fifty One Shades of Grey.

[7:02] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Because they added one more character.

[7:04] Yeah.

[7:05] A hundred and two Dalmatians.

[7:06] How will they ever be able to deal with that?

Stuart Wellington

[7:08] I mean, that's just going to make a bigger coat, right?

[7:11] Yeah.

[7:13] She's got enough to make a little beanie, too.

[7:14] Yeah.

[7:16] Yeah, she's got enough to make a little dice bag

[7:19] for her D&D game.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] You got to assume when that hundred and second Dalmatian

[7:23] showed up, the humans were like,

[7:25] let's just give this one to Cruella.

[7:26] Like, how many of these damn dogs are we going to take care of?

[7:29] Yeah, yeah.

[7:29] Drop it like Caltrops behind the car.

[7:34] So, in the second one,

[7:35] we are pulled even further into the world of lavish wealth

[7:39] and guiltlessness of the first movie,

[7:41] but also, Anna runs afoul of her boss, Hyde,

[7:46] who becomes obsessed...

[7:47] Jackal Hyde.

[7:48] Jackal Hyde,

[7:49] who becomes obsessed with her

[7:51] and with wanting revenge on Christian,

[7:53] and Christian breaks it off,

[7:55] so it seems,

[7:56] with Kim Basinger,

[7:57] the woman who,

[7:57] when he was a teenager,

[7:59] taught him the ways of the flesh.

[8:02] Okay.

[8:03] And then there's like...

[8:04] Why are you looking at me like that, Elliot?

[8:05] Because I don't remember what else happened in the movie.

[8:07] Now you're looking your lips at the point

[8:08] of a flutter knife.

[8:10] I looked at you and I just saw a big turkey leg.

Dan McCoy

[8:12] Christian Grey got...

[8:14] His helicopter crashed,

[8:16] and then one scene later,

[8:17] he walks in fine.

[8:18] Oh, and they...

[8:19] And they get engaged.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] And they get engaged.

[8:20] So, that takes us to Fifty Shades Freed.

[8:23] We're ready.

[8:23] Fifty Shades Freed starts off right away

[8:25] with Christian and Anastasia are getting married!

[8:28] Yeah, it opens Meteor Res.

[8:30] Guys, I forgot to buy them anything.

[8:33] What do I do?

[8:34] I mean, when they're that rich,

[8:35] they're not going to notice,

[8:36] but just go in the registry.

[8:37] Okay.

[8:38] You know there's like all these

[8:39] sterling silver, like, butt plugs

[8:41] that they would never buy for themselves.

[8:42] That's right.

[8:43] But that's why you have a wedding.

[8:44] So someone else gets you that.

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] I think, Dan,

[8:45] you can just go with the gift

[8:46] you get most people for weddings

[8:48] you show up with your acoustic guitar

[8:49] and sing a song for.

[8:51] I'd like to give you the greatest gift,

[8:53] a music.

Dan McCoy

[8:55] That's literally only happened

[8:56] at one wedding in my own.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] And you only know one Sum 41 song.

[9:02] So you just play that every time.

[9:04] But I don't remember any of their songs.

[9:06] Okay.

[9:06] Maybe it's a Matchbox 20 song that you sang.

[9:08] It's a Jupiter in her hair, etc.

[9:11] So the wedding is funny.

[9:15] Anna tosses the bouquet

[9:17] and the best man catches it.

[9:18] Get out of here.

[9:20] He is so embarrassed.

[9:20] Anyway, they are still super rich.

[9:22] They go on a honeymoon in Paris.

[9:24] She adds an Eiffel Tower charm

[9:26] to her very tacky charm bracelet.

[9:28] Because you know what you can't buy?

[9:29] Taste.

[9:31] Oh, wow.

[9:31] I never thought about that.

[9:32] You can be super rich

[9:33] and yet have bad taste in things.

[9:35] Or you can be Peter Jackson

[9:36] and have bad taste the movie

[9:38] on your filmography.

[9:40] That's true.

[9:41] I can be Peter Jackson?

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] Yes.

[9:43] Let me get you this Oculus set.

[9:46] That's the Peter Jackson VR experience.

Elliott Kalan

[9:48] I found a hole behind a filing cabinet

[9:50] and you crawl through it

[9:51] and you're in Peter Jackson's head.

Dan McCoy

[9:52] No.

[9:53] I don't know if I want it now.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] But what I mean is

[9:56] it's not like in a mystical sense.

[9:57] You're just inside his brain

[9:59] and it's goopy and gross.

[10:00] Yeah.

[10:00] And he's killed it silly.

[10:02] It's not like hip-hop artist Mystical?

[10:04] Not at all.

[10:06] You think that this is...

[10:07] Oh, hey, the honeymoon in Paris.

[10:08] That seems pretty expensive.

[10:09] Uh-oh.

[10:10] On to...

[10:11] It was either Italy or Greece.

[10:12] I couldn't quite tell

[10:13] because I'm not rich enough that I know.

Stuart Wellington

[10:16] It was a place that has beaches

[10:18] that are topless friendly.

Elliott Kalan

[10:19] And Christian does not want Anna

[10:21] to go topless on the beach.

[10:23] He is very controlling

[10:24] but she defies him

[10:25] and just lays out with her bosoms in the sun.

[10:28] Mm-hmm.

[10:28] Then they jet ski off for some handcuff sex.

[10:31] That's their honeymoon.

Stuart Wellington

[10:33] This is kind of a break from the norm of these movies

[10:36] because normally the porn is

[10:38] watching people drive fancy cars up to mansions

[10:42] but in this case

[10:42] we get to see people drive a fancy jet ski

[10:45] up to a yacht.

[10:46] Yep.

[10:47] So it's a twist-em-up.

[10:48] Okay.

[10:49] What people weren't expecting

[10:50] out of a third movie.

[10:51] That's the thing about threequels

[10:53] is that you have to get even bigger and crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] That's why there's three bad guys in this one.

[10:57] The Penguin.

[10:58] Uh-huh.

[10:59] Mr. Freeze.

[11:00] Okay.

[11:01] And Gia Mateo.

[11:02] And Gia Mateo,

[11:03] a bosomy architect

[11:04] that we'll meet later in the film.

[11:06] Who has...

[11:07] There's two characters introduced in this movie

[11:09] with great names.

[11:11] There's Gia Mateo,

[11:12] the sexy architect,

[11:13] and Boyce Fox,

[11:15] the promising horror writer.

[11:17] Yep.

[11:18] And Boyce Fox is introduced

[11:19] with a lot of fanfare

[11:20] and then he's the vision of these movies

[11:23] where he's introduced

[11:24] as if he's the linchpin of the series

[11:25] and then nothing happens with him

[11:27] and he's taken down by a bunch of,

[11:29] what, Corvus slaves or something?

[11:31] Yep.

[11:31] Anyway,

[11:32] so meanwhile,

[11:34] a mysterious intruder

[11:35] goes into Christian Grey's private server

[11:37] and sets off a time bomb

[11:38] made out of a flask

[11:39] but not until he steals

[11:41] some computer files first.

[11:43] Anna sees a freeze frame

[11:45] from the security camera

[11:46] and is like,

[11:46] that's my old boss,

[11:47] Jack Hyde.

Stuart Wellington

[11:48] She goes,

[11:49] computer,

[11:49] enhance.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] And they're like,

[11:51] this is a printout, ma'am.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] No,

[11:53] the fact that it's made out of a flask

[11:54] seems like a bit of unnecessary flair

[11:57] in this movie.

[11:57] Like,

[11:58] I mean,

[11:58] I give the movie credit

[11:59] for having at least

[12:00] some interesting thing happen in it

[12:02] but it doesn't pay off in any way.

[12:04] It's not like,

[12:05] oh,

[12:05] of course,

[12:06] it's legendary drunk guy

[12:08] who put this bomb here.

[12:10] Jack,

Elliott Kalan

[12:10] it's the kind of thing

[12:11] that would be a clue

[12:12] in another movie

[12:13] but instead here,

[12:13] it's just like,

[12:15] maybe they didn't come up

[12:16] with the bomb idea

[12:17] until that day's shoot

[12:18] so they're like,

[12:19] what can we make a bomb out of

[12:20] that's lying around?

[12:20] Give me your flask.

[12:22] They go to the old security guard,

[12:23] I need your flask.

[12:24] Oh,

[12:24] but old Betty's been with me

[12:26] through thick and thin.

Stuart Wellington

[12:28] Four marriages,

[12:29] five wars.

[12:30] But,

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] so anyway,

[12:34] and Christian is like,

[12:36] I think my helicopter crash

[12:38] was not an accident.

[12:39] It might have been sabotage

[12:40] and there's a number of

[12:41] loose threads

[12:42] from the last movie

[12:43] that get tied up in this one

[12:44] in very perfunctory ways

[12:45] and that's one of them.

Stuart Wellington

[12:47] Like,

[12:47] oh,

[12:48] that makes a lot more sense now.

[12:50] It wasn't just a random act

[12:51] of accident.

[12:52] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] a random acts of accident.

[12:55] Acts of accident,

[12:56] yeah.

[12:57] So,

[12:57] they go back home.

[12:58] Christian gets Anna,

[12:59] Anna,

[13:00] some bodyguards.

[13:00] I keep calling her Anna

[13:01] like it's frozen.

[13:02] Oh,

[13:03] we'll just call her Anna.

[13:04] Gets Anna some bodyguards.

[13:05] Sawyer and another one.

[13:07] And Sawyer,

[13:08] we know,

[13:09] is very,

[13:09] that her assistant at work

[13:11] has the hots for him.

[13:12] Does this go anywhere?

[13:13] It does not.

[13:14] It's just one of the many

[13:15] loose,

[13:15] tangling subplots

[13:16] laced into the movie

[13:18] like so much beard hair

Stuart Wellington

[13:20] that hasn't been shaved properly

[13:21] in an old man's face.

[13:22] It's all part of the rich tapestry

[13:24] that is woven

[13:25] and then laid down on a bed

[13:27] and then sex is happening.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Well,

[13:29] yeah,

[13:29] rough bed of sex

[13:30] on a tapestry.

[13:32] Just raw,

[13:33] just really rubbing

[13:33] your skin raw.

Stuart Wellington

[13:34] Exactly.

[13:35] The ultimate fantasy.

[13:36] The screenplay,

Dan McCoy

[13:37] the screenplay like reads

[13:40] like it's a free writing exercise

[13:42] where someone was just like,

[13:43] okay,

[13:43] I'm just gonna

[13:43] just lay down

[13:44] all my thoughts

[13:45] on the page.

[13:46] Lay them all down.

[13:47] Stream of consciousness,

[13:48] whatever comes in.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] It feels like some of Stephen King's books

[13:51] where you can tell

[13:52] he was writing it

[13:52] without really a plan

[13:53] and he'll just plan things

[13:55] and then they won't pay off later.

[13:56] But this is a movie.

[13:58] They should have fixed some of that.

[13:59] Yeah,

[13:59] they can go back.

[14:00] Like,

[14:00] were they improving the movie

[14:02] as they went on?

Dan McCoy

[14:02] It's not like,

[14:03] they wrote it on a typewriter

[14:05] oh,

[14:05] we don't have the technology

[14:06] to change words though.

Elliott Kalan

[14:09] So,

[14:10] Aunt Nastasia is not sure

[14:12] how to run the household

[14:12] of a very rich gentleman

[14:14] and the,

[14:15] the,

[14:16] the,

[14:16] Christian's housekeeper

[14:18] is like,

[14:19] about the meals,

[14:20] the decor,

[14:21] da da da

[14:22] and I wanted her to be like,

[14:23] we pay you to do this.

[14:24] Like,

[14:25] what,

[14:25] is this Elizabethan times?

[14:26] Like,

[14:27] or like,

[14:27] Regency period?

[14:28] Why am I in charge

[14:29] of this household

[14:30] all of a sudden?

[14:31] She has a professional job.

[14:32] But anyway,

[14:33] she dismisses the cook

[14:34] for the day though

[14:34] and cooks Christian some dinner

[14:36] and over dinner,

[14:37] they worry that

[14:38] Christian does not want children.

[14:40] He says he's not ready

[14:41] to share her with anybody.

[14:42] This is the first time

[14:43] that Anna has

[14:44] in any way

[14:45] expressed any interest

[14:46] in children.

[14:47] But it's like,

[14:48] the movie has such a,

[14:49] for a movie that's all about,

[14:50] it's supposed to be

[14:51] kind of like kinky sex,

[14:52] it has such a

[14:53] regressive retrograde idea

[14:55] of human,

[14:56] female,

[14:57] male relations

[14:58] and families

[14:58] where she's like,

[15:00] I got married.

[15:01] Time for you to put a baby in me.

[15:02] The clock's ticking.

Stuart Wellington

[15:03] Come on,

[15:04] this is what we're about.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] We have pair bonded.

[15:08] Now it's time for us

[15:08] to make a mainstream

[15:09] nuclear family.

Dan McCoy

[15:10] Yeah,

[15:11] and guys,

[15:11] if there's one thing

[15:12] I know about relationships,

[15:13] it's that the time

[15:14] to have the discussion

[15:15] about whether you want children

[15:16] is right after you got married.

Stuart Wellington

[15:19] After you made a massive commitment.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] Yeah,

[15:21] nothing has apparently

[15:22] come up on this subject before.

[15:24] I mean,

[15:24] yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[15:25] you'd think in a healthy relationship

[15:26] they would have discussed

[15:27] these kinds of life goals

[15:28] at a previous date.

[15:29] The order is,

[15:30] you get married,

[15:31] you make a delicious meal

[15:32] of Lunchables

[15:33] for your husband.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] Christian is essentially

[15:37] a grown child,

[15:38] so we were like,

[15:39] does he just eat chicken nuggets?

[15:40] Is that it?

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] Yeah.

[15:44] And then you talk to him

[15:45] about having a baby.

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] He does not like it.

[15:47] He's like,

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] but I'm a baby.

[15:49] He's like,

[15:50] that reminds me,

[15:51] I was waiting

[15:51] until after we were married

[15:52] to introduce you

[15:52] to my next level of sex play.

[15:54] It's baby play?

[15:56] I'm a baby

[15:56] and you're going to change me?

[15:57] And she's like,

[15:58] I don't want to judge you

[15:59] or shame you on this,

[16:00] but I'm not into it?

[16:01] And he's like,

[16:02] well,

[16:02] we're married now,

[16:02] so you have to be.

[16:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:05] Them's the breaks.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] When you marry me,

[16:06] you knew the deal,

[16:07] except for this part,

[16:08] because I didn't tell you.

[16:10] Anna goes back to work

[16:11] and finds that

[16:11] while she was away,

[16:12] she was promoted

[16:13] to fiction editor.

[16:15] She has,

[16:16] it's like,

[16:17] the thing that makes me mad

[16:18] at her in these movies

[16:19] is she has the most

[16:20] unearned professional career

[16:22] in that she gets her job

[16:25] because Jack Hyde

[16:26] has the hots for her.

[16:27] Then her husband

[16:28] buys the company

[16:29] and fires him

[16:30] and gives her his job

[16:31] over people

[16:32] who have worked there longer.

[16:33] And now she was literally

[16:34] away on her honeymoon

[16:36] we promoted you

[16:37] to a bigger job

[16:38] while you were gone

[16:39] because you just did

[16:41] such a great job

[16:41] on your honeymoon.

[16:42] Yeah.

[16:43] That we wanted

[16:43] to recognize that.

Dan McCoy

[16:44] Well,

[16:44] and the movie

[16:44] keeps acting like,

[16:46] I was like,

[16:46] no, no, no,

[16:47] you deserve that, honey.

[16:48] Like, you've got to,

[16:49] like,

[16:50] I think the movie

[16:51] wants us to think

[16:52] that she actually,

[16:53] like,

[16:54] got there on her own.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] There's a part later

[16:56] where her husband

[16:57] calls her and says,

[16:58] hey,

[16:58] it's your boss's boss's boss.

[17:00] And it was like,

[17:01] ew,

[17:01] that's so gross.

[17:02] Like,

[17:03] that's a terrible way

[17:04] to classify your relationship

[17:05] with your wife.

[17:06] Look, honey,

Stuart Wellington

[17:07] there's three layers

[17:08] of bureaucracy

[17:08] between you and me.

[17:09] I could fire the guy

[17:10] who could fire the guy

[17:11] who could fire you.

[17:13] Yeah,

[17:14] but it's still kind of hot.

[17:17] And also,

[17:17] at this point,

[17:18] we're introduced

[17:19] to a,

[17:20] what,

[17:21] a secretary,

[17:21] like a co-worker

[17:22] who informs her,

[17:24] who informs her

[17:25] that she's got the promotion.

[17:26] But she's clearly resentful of this.

[17:28] I wonder if that will pay dividends

[17:31] in the story.

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] We'll see.

[17:32] But also,

[17:33] like,

[17:33] as she should be,

[17:33] I would be pissed too.

[17:35] There's a part later where,

[17:36] let me give you two examples

[17:38] about how Anna is not good at her job.

[17:39] Or at least,

[17:40] has not shown that she's amazing at it.

[17:42] One is that later on,

[17:43] we catch the end of a meeting

[17:44] and she's like,

[17:44] great work, guys.

[17:45] And she turns to someone and goes,

[17:46] can you make the font two points bigger

[17:48] on the public statement?

[17:50] And the person's like,

[17:50] yeah.

[17:50] And it's like,

[17:51] what kind of fucking stupid note is that?

[17:53] Yeah, make it two points bigger.

[17:55] Sure.

[17:55] That's the kind of note that,

[17:57] like,

[17:57] the graphics department

[17:58] of the Daily Show

[17:58] would get all the time

[17:59] would be like,

[18:00] can you blur this by 10%?

[18:02] And they'd be like,

[18:02] you got it.

[18:03] And then as soon as the producer

[18:03] walked away,

[18:04] they'd be like,

[18:04] what the fuck does that mean?

[18:05] Blur it 10%.

[18:06] Like,

[18:07] yeah,

[18:07] they're going to notice.

[18:08] They're like,

[18:08] can you cut this down by two frames?

[18:11] This,

[18:11] to the editor.

[18:12] The editor's like,

[18:13] you got it.

[18:13] And then,

[18:14] what?

[18:14] Who cares?

[18:15] No one's going to notice.

[18:15] It's two frames.

[18:16] But anyway,

[18:17] there's that.

[18:17] But also,

[18:18] we're introduced

[18:19] to her new hot writer,

[18:20] Boyce Fox.

[18:21] Now,

[18:22] great catch.

[18:23] The pre-orders on this

[18:25] Boyce Fox book are enormous.

[18:26] But it's also the third book

[18:28] of a series.

[18:29] Yeah.

[18:29] It just says it on the title,

[18:30] like book three of the series.

Stuart Wellington

[18:32] The pre-order's already happening.

[18:33] Isn't it a little,

[18:34] I mean,

[18:35] I don't know the publishing business,

[18:36] but doesn't it seem like

[18:37] a little late to sign him?

[18:39] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] maybe she signed him earlier,

[18:42] but it's confusing to me

[18:44] what the timeline is

[18:45] of the Boyce Fox deal.

[18:46] She might be just editing

[18:48] the book with him.

[18:49] At that point,

[18:49] she's already signed him.

[18:50] Maybe she rested him away

[18:52] from another publisher

[18:53] where the first two books

[18:54] in the series came out.

[18:55] Usually,

[18:56] the publisher would have the,

[18:57] you know,

[18:57] would make a deal

[18:58] for the whole series.

[18:59] Yeah,

[18:59] I mean,

[18:59] it's Boyce Fox.

[19:00] Yeah,

[19:00] this is Boyce Fox.

[19:01] He's a huge star.

[19:02] He's the wonderkind,

[19:03] he's the literary wonderkind

[19:04] of the world.

[19:06] Yeah,

[19:06] he's the,

[19:06] what,

[19:06] Klaus Nausgaard

Stuart Wellington

[19:07] of the Fifty Shades universe?

[19:10] Exactly.

[19:13] That was very funny

[19:15] because he's clearly

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] not writing that kind of book.

[19:18] Like,

[19:18] I think he's supposed to be

[19:19] like a Stephen King,

[19:20] George R. R. Martin,

[19:21] or even like a Dan Brown type,

[19:23] but we never learn

[19:24] what his books are about.

[19:25] He's only in like one scene

[19:27] and then he disappears

[19:28] from the movie,

[19:28] but they give him

[19:29] so much build up.

[19:30] But that one scene.

[19:31] And they give him

[19:32] the name Boyce Fox.

[19:34] So you have so many questions

[19:35] like,

[19:35] what the fuck is a Boyce?

[19:38] Anyway,

[19:40] Anna gets into another argument

[19:42] with Christian

[19:42] because he wants her

[19:44] to change her work email

[19:45] to her married name.

[19:46] She's not ready for that yet

Stuart Wellington

[19:47] because it shows

[19:48] that she has been absorbed

[19:49] into the Grey Collective

[19:50] and she's no longer

[19:51] her own woman.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] But the next scene,

[19:53] all is forgiven

[19:54] because Christian bought her

[19:55] a fancy new sports car.

[19:58] They drive around in it

[19:59] to the forest mansion

[20:00] that he also bought for her.

Stuart Wellington

[20:02] Yeah,

[20:02] like a crumbling manor house.

[20:04] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] he bought the house

[20:06] of Usher for her.

[20:07] Oh, wow.

[20:08] It's a fixer-upper.

[20:11] A fixer-usher.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] Okay.

[20:13] Nice.

[20:14] All right, well.

Elliott Kalan

[20:16] Goodbye, Stu.

[20:18] No, that was perfect.

[20:19] I only wish I could do

[20:19] an Usher the musician joke

[20:21] somehow on top of that.

[20:23] I guess I would say

[20:24] to that joke,

[20:24] yeah.

[20:26] Pretty good.

[20:27] But here at this,

[20:29] so it would have been,

[20:30] wouldn't it have been

[20:30] a much better movie

[20:31] if they got there

[20:31] and it turned out

[20:32] it was like a haunted mansion?

[20:33] Yes.

[20:33] And they had to deal

[20:34] with the ghosts

[20:35] like the previous owners?

Dan McCoy

[20:37] But that doesn't happen.

[20:38] Or Christian Grey is like,

[20:39] I don't actually have

[20:40] all this money yet.

[20:41] I was told

[20:42] that I would only inherit it

[20:43] if I stayed a night

[20:44] in this house.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] And the ghosts are

[20:46] rattling chains and stuff

[20:48] and Christian's like,

[20:48] how do I get in on this?

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:50] He's like,

[20:51] I'm so turned on.

[20:52] It's so hard to stay

[20:53] overnight in this mansion

Stuart Wellington

[20:54] because I'm so haunted.

[20:54] The only way we're going

[20:55] to get into our

[20:56] various fraternities

[20:57] and sororities

[20:58] is by staying a night

[20:59] in this haunted castle.

[21:01] But it's really

[21:01] our frat and sorority sisters

[21:03] that are putting us

[21:05] up to the thing.

[21:07] But wait,

[21:07] is it really haunted?

[21:08] We'll get to it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:09] Except we won't

[21:10] because that's the only ghost

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] they're haunted by

[21:12] are the ghosts

[21:13] of Christian's past.

Elliott Kalan

[21:14] So they go to this

[21:15] forest mansion

[21:15] and who's there already

[21:16] is,

[21:16] the ghost of girlfriend's past.

[21:18] Anyway.

[21:19] Who's there already is,

[21:20] you guessed it,

[21:21] famous architect

[21:22] Gia Mateo.

[21:23] Gia Mateo.

[21:24] Now,

[21:24] Gia Mateo has

[21:25] two characteristics.

[21:27] She is an architect

[21:27] with a very modern style

[21:29] and she does not like

[21:30] this objectively

[21:30] beautiful old house.

[21:32] She wants to tear it down

[21:33] and build something modern.

[21:34] Her other characteristic

[21:35] is she has breasts

[21:36] which everyone remarks upon.

[21:38] Yeah.

[21:38] As if they are

[21:39] the 18th wonder of the world.

[21:41] As if she's Dolly Parton

[21:42] or something.

[21:43] She's very pretty

[21:43] but these are not

[21:44] such amazingly,

[21:46] you know,

[21:47] memorable breasts.

[21:48] Like it's,

[21:48] I feel like maybe

Stuart Wellington

[21:49] they were like,

[21:51] well,

[21:51] her defining characteristic

[21:52] is she's blonde

[21:54] but we already have

[21:55] three other side characters

[21:57] that are blonde.

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] The characters all talk about like,

[22:00] are they real?

[22:01] Have you seen those things?

[22:02] You can't take your eyes off them

[22:04] and it's like,

[22:05] I,

[22:05] the whole scene went by

[22:06] without me noticing

[22:07] your breasts once.

[22:08] I gotta say that.

[22:08] And if Dan's not noticing,

[22:10] yeah,

[22:10] come on.

[22:12] So it's just,

[22:13] it's a little bit like

[22:13] if it's,

[22:14] you had a character

[22:15] who was 5'8

[22:16] and everyone was like,

[22:17] what's with the dwarf?

[22:18] Hey,

[22:18] how about that midget over there?

[22:20] well,

[22:20] he's not tall

[22:21] but he's not like

[22:22] abnormally short.

[22:24] I don't,

[22:24] like it's a weird thing

[22:25] to call attention.

[22:25] And also not cool.

[22:26] It's also not cool

[22:27] to use those words

[22:28] to describe somebody.

[22:29] But anyway,

[22:30] so Gia Mateo

[22:32] wants to tear down this house

[22:33] but Anna wants to keep it

[22:34] and Christian says,

[22:36] whatever my wife says goes

[22:37] and Gia Mateo

[22:38] does not like this.

[22:39] She pulls rank on her

[22:40] and also gives her

[22:41] a clear stay away

[22:42] from my man message.

[22:43] Because Gia Mateo

[22:44] did touch Christian's wrist once

[22:46] while talking to him

[22:47] which in this,

[22:48] it's the weird thing

[22:49] where it's like,

[22:50] look,

[22:50] my husband and I routinely

[22:51] push the boundaries

[22:52] of erotic pleasure.

[22:54] Do not touch his wrist,

[22:55] please.

[22:56] I'm not comfortable

[22:57] with that level of affection.

Dan McCoy

[22:58] Yeah.

[22:59] I mean,

[22:59] this is just one

[23:00] of the many scenes

[23:01] in which though

[23:01] Anastasia is trying

[23:03] to assert her agency.

[23:06] Uh-huh.

[23:07] Whereas,

[23:07] I mean,

[23:07] through much of the movie

[23:09] she is having agency

[23:10] taken away from her

[23:11] by her husband.

[23:12] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[23:12] And the series is,

[23:14] her is the power dynamic

[23:15] between her and Christian.

[23:16] Yes.

[23:16] He's always,

[23:17] we all remember

[23:17] when he ordered a steak

[23:19] for her in a restaurant

[23:20] and she said,

[23:21] no,

[23:21] I'd like a salad,

[23:22] please.

[23:23] That was in the second movie,

[23:25] I believe.

[23:26] Uh,

[23:26] but in this one,

[23:27] yeah,

[23:27] she is,

[23:27] you're right,

[23:28] Anna is coming

[23:28] into her own

[23:29] as a human.

Stuart Wellington

[23:30] One steak for my girlfriend

[23:31] and cut it up

[23:32] real small,

[23:33] please.

[23:35] I mean,

[23:36] go on.

[23:36] Just blend it

[23:37] into a smoothie,

[23:37] please.

[23:38] Now pour it over my face

[23:40] and let her lick it off me.

Dan McCoy

[23:42] I was remarking,

[23:43] though,

[23:43] Christian has always

[23:44] been an asshole

[23:45] in this series,

[23:46] but he seems

[23:46] even more of an asshole

[23:47] now that he's

[23:48] her husband.

[23:49] Like,

[23:50] she just really seems

[23:51] like an abuser,

[23:52] like an emotional abuser.

[23:53] And like,

[23:54] we were watching this

[23:55] on Elliot's computer,

[23:56] as I said before,

[23:57] and because

[23:58] my ears are bad

[23:59] and the speakers

[24:00] aren't great,

[24:01] uh,

[24:01] we put the-

[24:02] Fifty Shades of Grey.

Stuart Wellington

[24:03] I'm glad that he's

[24:04] snuck in a burn

[24:04] on your computer.

[24:05] Well,

[24:06] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[24:06] you know,

[24:07] I'm like 50-50,

Elliott Kalan

[24:07] my ears,

[24:08] your speakers.

[24:09] But,

[24:10] uh.

[24:10] The speakers on MacBooks

[24:12] are not amazing.

[24:13] I didn't bring extra

[24:13] speakers with me.

Stuart Wellington

[24:14] Yeah,

[24:15] I mean,

[24:15] it's all like you were

[24:15] bragging about how

[24:16] great your speakers were.

Elliott Kalan

[24:18] I wasn't like,

[24:19] dudes,

[24:19] check out the fidelity

[24:20] on this.

[24:21] It really,

[24:21] the lows are so low

[24:23] and the highs are so high.

[24:24] The point is-

[24:25] Dialogue is so clear

[24:26] and Dan was like,

[24:27] what?

[24:27] These speakers are garbage.

[24:29] I'm an old man,

[24:30] I can't hear things.

[24:31] Put the words on,

[24:33] the screen.

[24:33] What's that?

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] Yeah,

[24:34] the point is we had

[24:35] subtitles on.

[24:35] Maybe like one of my

Elliott Kalan

[24:36] favorite cartoon books

[24:37] I like,

[24:38] like Stuffy Smith.

Stuart Wellington

[24:38] Then he started doing

[24:39] this talk to the hand bit

[24:40] and we're like,

[24:41] what?

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:43] What are you doing?

[24:44] Yeah,

[24:44] Dan was like,

[24:45] uh-uh,

[24:45] and snapping his fingers

[24:46] and we were like,

[24:46] what character are you

[24:47] right now,

[24:48] Dan?

[24:48] I thought you were

[24:49] a prospector.

[24:52] You're so kind of,

[24:53] so kind of like

[24:54] street smart prospector,

[24:55] I don't get it.

Dan McCoy

[24:57] Uh,

[24:57] point is-

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] Who's maybe gay?

Dan McCoy

[24:59] The subtitles were on,

[25:02] uh,

[25:02] so,

[25:03] the-

[25:04] The captions.

[25:05] The captions.

[25:06] And the number of times

[25:07] the captions under Christian

[25:08] is just scoffs.

Stuart Wellington

[25:10] It was amazing.

Dan McCoy

[25:12] Like,

[25:12] Christian is constantly

[25:14] scoffing at everything

[25:15] that Anastasia does.

[25:16] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] he's a real,

[25:17] he's a scoffer.

[25:18] He doesn't,

[25:18] he,

[25:19] he like,

[25:19] he seems like one of those guys

[25:20] who's like,

[25:21] we're married,

[25:21] that means I legally own you now.

[25:23] Yeah.

[25:24] And I don't mean,

[25:25] there's nothing likable

[25:26] about Christian.

[25:26] Okay,

[25:27] now that she gets to drive

[25:28] the fancy car now though,

[25:29] because she's the boss

[25:30] when it comes to Gio Mateo,

[25:31] which also sounds like a car.

[25:33] Like,

[25:34] if you said,

[25:34] oh yeah,

[25:34] I got the 2017 Gio Mateo,

[25:36] I'd be like,

[25:36] that sounds like a car to me.

Stuart Wellington

[25:37] Sounds like that car's

[25:38] got great breasts.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] It's hard to drive

[25:42] when you're distracted

[25:42] by the car's breasts.

[25:45] And she's driving so fast,

[25:47] even Christian's a little scared.

[25:48] But then,

[25:49] they lose the security detail

[25:50] and an SUV starts trailing them

[25:53] for an incredibly low stakes chase.

[25:55] It's like,

[25:55] hey guys,

[25:56] you ever seen that movie Bullet?

[25:57] Mm-hmm.

[25:58] Now,

[25:58] what if this was not Bullet

[26:00] and instead it was a very slow,

[26:01] boring car chase?

[26:02] So it's almost like a slow bullet.

[26:04] Hey,

[26:04] you know that movie Ronan?

[26:05] This would be like Nonan.

[26:07] Sorry,

[26:07] I stepped on your slow bullet joke,

[26:08] which was great.

[26:10] For my very stupid joke.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] Anyway,

[26:13] they lose their pursuer.

[26:15] And I mean,

[26:16] if this movie was like Ronan,

[26:18] it'd be called Bonan,

[26:19] by the way.

[26:20] No,

[26:20] it would be Bonan like a verb

[26:22] or Bone-in?

[26:23] Like a steak?

Elliott Kalan

[26:24] Yeah.

[26:25] No,

[26:25] it's like a rib eye.

[26:27] Okay.

[26:29] So,

[26:30] what if

[26:30] there was a porn version

[26:32] of Ronan called Bone-in?

[26:33] Uh-huh,

[26:33] sure.

[26:34] It was produced,

[26:34] got by a guy

[26:35] under the pseudonym

[26:35] John Fuckenheimer.

[26:37] Yep,

[26:37] okay.

Stuart Wellington

[26:37] And it starred

[26:38] Robert Di Pino.

[26:40] Okay,

[26:40] go on,

[26:41] any more?

[26:41] Who else is in that movie?

[26:43] Jean Reno.

[26:44] So that would be...

[26:47] Okay.

[26:48] And the guy who has the elaborate diorama

[26:51] of miniature samurai soldiers,

[26:53] it's all going to be

[26:54] tiny little naked people?

[26:55] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] exactly.

[26:56] So,

[26:57] that's Bone-in,

[26:58] the porn version of Ronan.

[26:59] If Ronan had been a bigger hit,

[27:00] I'd assume it would have happened.

[27:01] But,

[27:01] speaking of

[27:03] porn in cars,

[27:04] they are so turned on

[27:05] by this car chase

[27:06] that they just have sex

[27:07] in their car parking lot.

[27:09] Okay.

[27:09] They just have sex

[27:10] in the car in a parking lot.

[27:11] That seems pretty standard.

[27:12] Yeah.

[27:12] And,

[27:13] they think a woman

[27:14] was driving that SUV,

[27:16] but they don't know

[27:16] who it was for sure.

Stuart Wellington

[27:17] I mean,

[27:18] isn't there people

[27:18] having sex in a car

[27:19] in a parking lot

[27:20] in Tango and Cash?

[27:21] I mean,

[27:22] that boundary

[27:22] hasn't even crossed.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] They get into the trunk

[27:24] in a parking garage.

Dan McCoy

[27:25] Is that the one

[27:26] like weird nude moment

[27:29] that is like totally

[27:31] I don't know if I'd say

[27:31] it's weird.

[27:32] It's pretty natural.

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] has the one

[27:34] gratuitous shot of nudity

[27:35] for no reason.

[27:36] Just like in Commando

[27:37] when he,

[27:38] what,

[27:38] they burst into a hotel room

[27:40] where two people

[27:40] are filming themselves

[27:41] having sex?

Dan McCoy

[27:42] My favorite is in

[27:43] Demolition Man

[27:44] where the woman

[27:46] just video phones

[27:48] alone on accident

[27:49] and she's naked.

[27:50] Yeah,

[27:50] cold calls him.

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] And it's literally like,

[27:53] it is,

[27:53] that is the least,

[27:55] it's not,

[27:55] at least in these other movies,

[27:57] there's an action scene

[27:57] going on and they

[27:58] like barge in on people

[28:00] having sex.

[28:00] This is literally like

[28:01] this nude woman

[28:02] is barging into

[28:03] the action movie.

Stuart Wellington

[28:04] I love the idea,

[28:05] I love this terrifying

[28:06] vision of the future

[28:07] where of course

[28:08] as soon as this technology

[28:10] is developed

[28:10] everyone's going to be

[28:11] accidentally nude

[28:12] calling people.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] It posits a future

[28:15] where people

[28:16] no longer use toilet paper

[28:17] because there's

[28:17] a better technology.

[28:18] We have video phones

[28:19] and yet people don't have

[28:20] contact lists

[28:21] in their phones.

[28:22] They still have to

[28:22] dial random numbers.

[28:24] So it's like,

[28:25] this far future world

[28:26] where you still have

[28:26] a little book

[28:27] that you flip through

[28:28] to get to someone's

[28:29] phone number.

[28:30] Yeah.

[28:31] In the future,

[28:32] everyone is my mother-in-law

[28:34] who still uses one of those

[28:35] little books of phone numbers.

[28:36] Yeah,

[28:37] it's all written on

[28:37] Taco Bell stationery.

[28:39] So,

[28:42] uh-oh,

[28:43] they're in trouble.

[28:43] Someone was chasing them.

[28:44] Time to take some time out

[28:45] for Anna to sensually

[28:46] wash Christian's hair

[28:48] in preparation to give him

[28:49] a haircut

[28:50] because as if it wasn't

[28:51] clear enough

[28:52] that he is a baby

[28:53] to her,

[28:54] she is now cutting his hair,

[28:55] something parents do

[28:56] for their kids.

[28:57] The haircut never happens.

[28:59] No,

[28:59] because she goes to get

[29:00] scissors and she finds

[29:01] in his desk,

[29:02] what did she find,

Stuart Wellington

[29:03] Dan?

[29:03] A gun?

[29:04] A gun.

[29:04] Which in some ways

[29:05] is more effective

[29:07] than scissors,

[29:08] but maybe not

[29:09] for the task at hand.

[29:10] No,

[29:10] I mean,

[29:10] you'd need so many bullets

[29:11] to individually

[29:12] shoot each hair off.

[29:14] I mean,

[29:14] I feel like if you

[29:15] shoot the right hair,

[29:16] all the rest

[29:17] are just gonna pop off.

Elliott Kalan

[29:18] When they're scared.

Stuart Wellington

[29:20] Hey,

[29:20] let's get out of here,

[29:21] boys!

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] that's right,

[29:23] let that be a lesson

[29:23] to the rest of you.

[29:25] It's the gun

[29:26] that he took

[29:27] from his stalker,

[29:28] Lila,

[29:29] when she pulled it

[29:30] on Anna

[29:30] in the last movie.

[29:32] Oh,

[29:32] it's all tied together.

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] It's all tied together.

[29:34] Remember,

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] as Chekhov once said,

[29:37] if you introduce a gun

[29:38] in the second movie

[29:39] in your sex trilogy,

[29:41] it has to show up

[29:41] in the third movie

[29:42] of your sex trilogy.

[29:44] And a lot of people

[29:45] don't know that

[29:46] Chekhov's famous

[29:47] sex trilogy,

[29:49] the Cherry Orchard,

[29:50] the Seagull,

[29:51] and Uncle Vanya

[29:52] originally had a lot

[29:54] more sex in them.

[29:54] I was gonna go there too,

Dan McCoy

[29:57] but I could only think

[29:57] of one Chekhov play offhand

[29:59] and I was very mad

[30:00] at myself.

[30:01] What was it?

[30:02] The Seagull.

[30:02] Oh,

[30:02] you know what?

Elliott Kalan

[30:03] I'm mad that I didn't think

[30:04] of Three Sisters,

[30:05] the one that most sounds

[30:06] like it could be

[30:06] a porn movie.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] Yeah.

[30:07] And did he have enough time

[30:09] in his off time

[30:10] on the Enterprise

[30:11] to write those?

[30:12] Oh,

[30:12] yeah,

[30:13] yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:13] I mean,

[30:14] he was so busy.

Stuart Wellington

[30:15] I'm literally the first person

[30:16] in all of history

[30:17] to make that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] To ever,

[30:18] I mean,

[30:18] it was literally a sketch

[30:19] on Viva Variety,

[30:20] the Comedy Central show

[30:22] with Thomas Lennon

[30:23] and Ben Garant

[30:24] and Kerry Kenning

[30:25] where they had

[30:26] Walter Kenning

[30:29] in a scene

[30:30] from a Chekhov play

[30:31] and it turned into him

[30:32] fist fighting a Klingon

[30:33] at the end of it.

[30:34] But,

[30:35] remember that show?

[30:37] Yeah.

[30:37] I hadn't thought about that

[30:38] in a long time.

[30:39] Johnny Blue Jeans?

[30:40] Yeah,

[30:40] Johnny Blue Jeans.

[30:40] He sang that song

[30:41] Pac-Man Fever

Dan McCoy

[30:43] or whatever it was.

[30:45] It was a good show.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] Or like,

[30:47] I Love You Miss Pac-Man.

[30:48] Pac-Man Fever

[30:48] was a real song.

[30:49] Yeah.

[30:49] I'm sorry.

[30:50] It was called

[30:50] I Think I Love You Miss Pac-Man.

[30:51] He had a song

[30:53] that he sang on it

[30:53] called I Just Want to Make Out

[30:54] with You Babe

[30:55] and there's some line in it

[30:57] about,

[30:58] let's go over there

[30:58] to the darkest corner

[30:59] of the roller rink.

[31:01] That was such a funny detail.

[31:03] Okay, guys.

[31:04] Well, let's get back to this.

[31:07] Lila,

[31:07] is she going to show up?

[31:08] No, she doesn't.

[31:10] We find out pre-orders

[31:10] for Boy's Fox's

[31:11] new book are huge.

[31:12] We never hear about

[31:13] Boy's Fox ever again.

[31:15] And Anna's friend Kate

[31:16] invites her out to dinner

[31:18] but Christian was like,

[31:19] go straight home.

[31:19] I'm worried for your safety.

[31:21] And Kate's like,

[31:22] nuh-uh.

[31:24] Anna's like,

[31:24] nuh-uh,

[31:24] I'm going to go hang out

[31:25] with my bestie.

[31:26] And Kate tells her

[31:28] that Hyde had a bunch of files

[31:29] about the Gray family

[31:31] and it's one of those things

[31:32] where it's like,

[31:32] why do you know this?

[31:33] Like, what?

[31:34] And now Kate is her friend.

[31:37] It's not Christian's sister, right?

[31:38] Christian's sister is Mia.

[31:39] Yeah.

[31:40] But Kate is dating

[31:41] Christian's brother,

[31:43] Elliot?

[31:43] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[31:44] I believe so.

[31:45] Okay.

[31:45] Side characters in this

[31:47] are so boring

[31:48] and their plots

[31:50] are so inconsequential

[31:51] and they're given like...

Stuart Wellington

[31:53] Although we do spend

[31:54] quite a bit of time

[31:54] talking with Elliot

[31:56] and Kate, right?

[31:57] Eventually, yeah.

[31:58] Yeah.

[31:59] But for no reason.

[32:00] So they have a lovely dinner

[32:01] with multiple martinis.

Elliott Kalan

[32:03] I think it's not really dinner

[32:04] so much as just martinis.

[32:06] I mean...

[32:07] There's a liquid dinner.

[32:08] Yeah, liquid.

[32:09] She literally says to the waiter,

[32:10] she goes,

[32:11] just keep the martinis coming.

[32:12] And I imagined

[32:13] a Sorcerer's Apprentice

[32:14] type scenario.

Stuart Wellington

[32:15] He's like,

[32:16] I will do as programmed.

Elliott Kalan

[32:18] And he's bringing them

[32:18] hundreds of martinis

[32:20] to the point where they're just...

[32:21] It fills the room

[32:22] with martinis.

Dan McCoy

[32:24] They have to drink it all.

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] They're like,

[32:28] oh, it's like Lucy

[32:29] and the Chocolate Factory.

[32:30] They gotta down them

[32:30] as fast as they arrive.

Dan McCoy

[32:32] And then they die

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] of alcohol poisoning.

[32:35] Fifty Shades of Dead.

[32:37] Then Christian has to travel

[32:39] to the land of the dead

[32:40] and retrieve Anastasia

[32:42] and not look back

[32:43] or else scare her ghost

[32:44] back into Hades clutches.

[32:47] Yeah.

[32:48] Fifty Shades of Orpheus.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] So Anna comes home.

[32:52] So it's a weird thing

[32:53] for her friend to be like,

[32:54] yeah, and it's weird

[32:54] that your old boss

[32:55] had all those files

[32:56] on the grays

[32:56] on his computer.

[32:57] Why would she know that?

[32:58] It's just the character

[32:59] needs information

[33:00] at that moment.

[33:00] Anna goes home

[33:01] and who's there?

[33:03] Hyde.

[33:03] Bump, bump.

[33:04] He attacks her with a knife.

[33:05] The security guys save her

[33:06] and the police come

[33:07] and they find that

[33:08] there was a note

[33:09] that Hyde had

[33:10] that says,

[33:10] you owe me a life.

[33:12] Bump, bump, bump.

[33:14] Is it possible?

[33:15] The other shoe drops.

[33:16] The cosmic balance

[33:17] has been thrown out of whack.

[33:19] Yeah.

[33:19] I will say,

[33:20] we were talking about

[33:21] how there's all the,

[33:21] someone mentioned on Twitter once

[33:23] that we say,

[33:23] I will say a lot

[33:24] on this podcast

[33:25] and I'm noticing it a lot now.

[33:27] But something I want to say is

[33:29] watching this movie

[33:30] and having all the stuff

[33:30] with Kate and Elliot and Mia,

[33:32] characters I've seen

[33:33] in the past movies

[33:34] but I didn't remember

[33:35] and I don't remember

[33:35] the relationships.

[33:37] I was like,

[33:38] this is what it's like

[33:39] when people who don't

[33:41] pay attention to comic books

[33:42] have to watch Avengers movies.

[33:44] Where it's like,

[33:44] how am I supposed to remember

[33:45] how all these people

[33:46] are connected?

[33:47] How can you not remember

[33:48] that Bucky was Cap's sidekick

[33:51] and then he got frozen

[33:52] and he thought he was dead

[33:53] but he's the Winter Soldier.

Stuart Wellington

[33:54] And why is the entire audience

[33:55] in this theater

[33:56] performatively laughing

[33:57] every time that character

[33:58] says that thing?

[33:59] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] Yeah.

[34:02] It's a,

[34:02] so it's,

[34:03] there's a,

[34:03] I'm like,

[34:04] now I understand what it's like.

[34:05] I've seen how the other half lives.

[34:07] The other half,

[34:07] because society is divided

[34:09] into two halves,

[34:09] Avengers fans

[34:10] and Fifty Shades of Grey fans.

[34:11] Okay.

[34:12] And never the twain shall meet.

[34:13] It's the coming Civil War.

Stuart Wellington

[34:15] Although a prophecy speaks

[34:16] of a child of both worlds.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] We'll bring them together

[34:20] in the biggest crossover event

[34:22] in human history,

[34:24] Fifty Shades of Infinity War.

[34:27] I think it's Infinity Shades of Grey,

[34:29] by the way.

[34:29] Oh,

[34:30] that would be better.

[34:30] Yeah,

[34:30] Infinity Shades of,

[34:31] where what,

[34:31] like,

[34:32] Christian Grey and Thanos

[34:33] team up,

[34:34] or,

[34:35] like what,

[34:35] that's how they defeat him?

[34:37] Yeah,

[34:37] they team up to spank

[34:38] half the universe.

[34:39] Yeah,

[34:39] well,

Stuart Wellington

[34:40] yeah,

[34:40] Thanos,

[34:41] he gives Christian the gauntlet

[34:42] so he can use it to,

[34:43] like,

[34:44] tie somebody up real well.

[34:45] Yeah,

[34:45] yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] we'll make half the universe

[34:47] doms and half the universe

[34:48] subs,

[34:50] by which I mean,

[34:50] like,

[34:51] little,

[34:51] like,

[34:51] little doms,

[34:52] the Italian restaurant,

[34:53] and some kind of

[34:54] sub sandwich place.

[34:54] You can have fancy Italian,

[34:55] and then you can have,

[34:56] you know,

[34:56] just street Italian.

[34:57] Oh,

[34:57] wow,

[34:57] what a universe.

[34:58] It's called,

[34:59] it's called

[35:01] Every Borough of New York.

[35:04] What a world,

[35:05] what a time to be alive,

[35:07] when so many

[35:08] varied varieties

[35:09] of Italian food restaurants

[35:11] are available in one city.

[35:14] Truly,

[35:14] I've seen the future,

[35:15] but ask me not to reveal

[35:17] too much,

[35:18] or the vision is too beautiful

[35:19] for eyes such as yours.

[35:22] You know,

[35:22] there's such a thin line

[35:23] between subs and Boston.

[35:25] Let's explore it,

[35:26] won't we?

[35:27] So,

[35:28] Christian gets upset,

[35:29] Anna tries to calm him down

[35:30] by having sex with him

[35:31] in the shower,

[35:32] but he rebuffs her

[35:32] and says,

[35:33] I can't.

[35:34] Uh-oh,

[35:34] Christian not in the mood,

[35:35] he must be mad.

Stuart Wellington

[35:37] Before we move past this,

[35:40] what a shower,

[35:40] right guys?

[35:41] This shower,

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] it is like you are

[35:43] in an Amazonian rainstorm.

Stuart Wellington

[35:46] It's like Christian saw

[35:47] an Irish spring commercial,

[35:49] and he's like,

[35:49] give me that waterfall.

Dan McCoy

[35:51] It does not have a shower head,

[35:52] it has a shower ceiling.

Elliott Kalan

[35:54] It's amazing,

[35:56] you would never need,

[35:57] it's part of the rich fantasy,

[35:58] like,

[35:59] I'm gonna waste so much water.

[36:00] I'm gonna,

[36:00] this shower could fit

[36:01] several people in it,

[36:02] who knows,

[36:03] maybe Christian and I

[36:04] will do that someday,

[36:05] but until now,

[36:05] I'm just gonna use up

[36:06] 30 hundred gallons of water.

[36:09] Sure.

[36:10] I'm gonna use enough water

[36:11] to transport a whale

[36:13] to SeaWorld

[36:14] in my shower.

Stuart Wellington

[36:15] Yeah,

[36:16] unless like,

[36:16] he has a side business

[36:17] where he gives showers

[36:19] to like,

[36:20] packs of dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[36:22] What if that was the,

[36:23] that was the grunts

[36:24] of the gray fortune?

[36:26] Like,

[36:26] we've invested in a number

[36:27] of things,

[36:27] but we can never lose sight

[36:28] of the original business,

Stuart Wellington

[36:29] giving dogs showers

Elliott Kalan

[36:31] in packs

[36:33] for the bonding experience.

[36:35] Well,

[36:36] yeah,

[36:36] that's why we make so much,

Dan McCoy

[36:37] that's why we make so much money.

[36:39] We're a volume business.

Elliott Kalan

[36:41] Now,

[36:42] everyone,

[36:42] so,

[36:45] what a lot of people

[36:45] don't know is,

[36:46] GDS Investments

[36:47] stands for

[36:48] Gray Dog Showers.

[36:49] The original company,

[36:52] of course,

[36:52] we changed it to initials

[36:53] when we diversified

[36:54] into,

[36:55] of course,

[36:55] shipping,

[36:56] manufacturing,

[36:57] oil,

[36:58] the entertainment business,

[36:59] but my old grandpa,

[37:01] Jedediah Gray,

[37:03] started with a nickel

[37:04] and a dog

[37:04] and one beaker of water.

Dan McCoy

[37:06] As he always said,

[37:07] they'll always be

[37:08] dirty dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[37:11] There's money

[37:12] in them dirty dogs,

[37:13] he said,

[37:14] because he would hide money

[37:15] inside the dogs.

[37:17] He was taken away

[37:18] later on in life.

[37:19] For a rainy day,

[37:20] he said.

[37:21] A rainy day

[37:21] would be the worst thing

[37:22] because God would be

[37:23] showering those dogs

[37:24] and no one would have

[37:25] to pay us for it.

[37:28] So anyway,

[37:29] they make up

[37:30] later that night.

[37:31] They take a trip

[37:31] to the Red Room

[37:32] for some shackle sex

[37:33] and we learn

[37:34] that Christian

[37:35] has a selection

[37:35] of vibrators

[37:36] stored in a custom

[37:37] molded foam drawer.

Stuart Wellington

[37:38] I mean,

[37:39] that makes sense.

[37:39] Who did he hire

[37:40] to do that?

[37:41] I mean,

[37:41] has there been

[37:42] anything in these movies

[37:43] that would lead you

[37:44] to believe that he

[37:44] doesn't have that drawer?

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] That's a good point.

[37:46] What I like about it

[37:47] is it means he doesn't

[37:48] just have to,

[37:48] when he opens the drawer

[37:49] the vibrators

[37:50] don't just roll around

[37:51] banging into each other.

[37:53] He keeps stimulating her

[37:54] then stopping

[37:55] to show her

[37:56] how frustrating

[37:57] she's been to him

[37:59] I can't take it

[37:59] and she uses her safe word,

[38:01] Red,

[38:02] that wasn't love,

[38:02] that was punishment,

[38:03] I don't like it.

[38:04] And he's like,

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] but I was mad at you.

Elliott Kalan

[38:07] But I'm mad

[38:07] and I only know

[38:08] how to express myself

[38:09] erotically.

[38:10] This is my means

[38:11] of expression.

Stuart Wellington

[38:13] Which,

[38:13] I mean,

[38:14] I think Dan's

[38:14] seen a lot of movies

[38:15] where characters

[38:16] only can express

[38:17] themselves erotically.

[38:18] You've written a lot,

[38:19] right?

[38:20] Yeah,

[38:20] that's right.

Dan McCoy

[38:22] I've written a series

[38:24] of erotic novels

[38:25] under my name.

[38:27] Dane.

[38:28] Dane?

[38:28] Dane McCoy.

[38:30] The Great Dane,

[38:31] they call me.

[38:33] Cool.

[38:33] Who calls you that?

[38:35] Well,

[38:35] mostly myself,

[38:36] but I'm hoping it

[38:36] catches on.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] You're like,

[38:40] how about that

[38:41] Great Dane McCoy,

[38:42] huh?

[38:42] They should call him

[38:43] the Great Dane.

[38:43] Who is that?

[38:44] He's a famous,

[38:45] he's a famous

[38:46] unpublished erotic

[38:47] fiction writer.

Stuart Wellington

[38:48] And I'm like,

[38:49] there's only one

[38:50] Great Dane in my life,

[38:51] that's Dane Ironfoot,

[38:52] king of the dwarves.

[38:55] Now,

[38:55] what is that from?

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] The fucking

[38:57] Lord of the Rings,

[38:58] dude.

[38:58] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] I'm sorry,

[38:59] I don't remember

[38:59] all the dwarves.

[39:00] You don't know

[39:01] all the dwarves?

[39:02] I only know

[39:02] some of the dwarves.

[39:04] Black Dahlia,

[39:05] I don't remember

[39:06] the other members.

[39:06] Amelia Bedelia.

[39:07] He who can now

[39:08] be named.

[39:09] Amelia Bedelia.

[39:10] Grumpy,

[39:11] Sneezy,

[39:12] Kilpy.

[39:12] Ant-Man,

[39:13] the Wasp.

Stuart Wellington

[39:15] I mean,

[39:15] technically,

[39:16] he's a dwarf at times.

[39:16] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] Ringo,

[39:19] Pope Pius X,

[39:20] other groups of people.

[39:22] Peter Tork.

[39:24] Peter Tork,

[39:24] and Tork the movie.

[39:26] Yeah,

[39:26] starring Adam Scott.

[39:27] Yeah,

[39:28] as Peter Tork.

Stuart Wellington

[39:29] The biopic

[39:30] everyone was asking for.

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] It all takes place

[39:34] in his career

[39:34] after the monkeys,

[39:35] too.

[39:35] That's the amazing

[39:36] thing about him.

[39:36] Okay,

[39:37] so,

[39:39] Christian says

[39:40] he doesn't know

[39:40] why Hyde has been

[39:41] keeping files

[39:41] on his family,

[39:42] and he had a bad dream

[39:43] that Anna was dead,

[39:44] and it's really

[39:45] been making him mad.

[39:47] He said something,

[39:48] I think he's,

[39:48] if I'm remembering correctly,

[39:49] and I could be remembering wrong,

[39:50] I think he said something

[39:51] about like,

[39:51] you were dead,

[39:52] and I couldn't do

[39:52] anything about it.

[39:53] It's like,

[39:54] yeah,

[39:54] no shit,

[39:54] dude,

[39:54] you can't bring people

[39:55] back from the dead.

[39:56] What is the,

[39:56] like,

[39:57] Fifty Shades of Frankenstein

[39:58] all of a sudden?

[40:00] There's gotta be,

[40:01] someone must have written

[40:01] some kind of

[40:02] Fifty Shades of Frankenstein,

[40:03] where it's erotic fiction

[40:04] with a Frankenstein monster

[40:06] instead of a vampire,

[40:07] right?

[40:07] It must exist.

[40:08] Yeah,

[40:08] that's gotta exist somewhere.

[40:09] I mean,

[40:09] I guess that's just

[40:09] young Frankenstein

[40:10] that I think about it.

[40:12] I guess.

[40:14] I mean,

[40:15] sure.

[40:16] Yeah,

[40:16] sure.

[40:17] Sorry,

[40:17] Stuart.

[40:18] That was,

[40:18] I apologize,

[40:19] I went on that

Stuart Wellington

[40:19] dead end road.

[40:21] I was just,

[40:22] I mean,

[40:22] I was just clarifying

[40:23] that this was about

[40:24] the point where we

[40:25] had to pause the movie

[40:26] because we were watching

[40:27] in the green room

[40:28] of the synagogue.

[40:30] And,

[40:31] so I missed

[40:32] some of this stuff.

[40:33] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] Well,

[40:34] he's worried about Anna

[40:36] and they're fighting.

[40:36] Okay.

[40:37] This marriage,

[40:38] the honeymoon is over,

[40:39] guys.

[40:39] Uh-huh.

[40:40] They're dealing with

[40:40] the reality of

[40:41] the real pressures

[40:42] that a marriage is under,

[40:43] such as worrying

[40:44] that a stalker is,

[40:46] your old enemy

[40:46] is stalking your wife

[40:48] and that she might kill her,

[40:49] worrying that

[40:50] you're not meeting

[40:51] the very elaborate

[40:53] checklist of erotic needs

[40:54] that you've presented to her.

[40:56] Also,

[40:56] that she won't be

[40:57] your possession.

[40:58] That's a real pressure

[40:59] in a lot of marriages.

Stuart Wellington

[41:00] And also,

[41:01] there's a worry

[41:01] that Gia Mateo

[41:03] might steal your man away

[41:04] or ruin your beautiful home.

[41:06] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[41:06] look,

[41:07] Gia Mateo has it all.

[41:08] She has boobs

[41:09] that people just can't

[41:10] stop talking about.

[41:11] There's one thing

[41:12] on everybody's lips.

[41:12] It's the talk of Aspen.

[41:15] It's in the newspapers

[41:16] all the time.

[41:17] It's a hashtag.

[41:18] Aspen Courier.

[41:18] The thing on Aspen Twitter,

[41:20] hashtag Gia's boobs.

[41:21] It's been really trending.

[41:23] And she's got

[41:24] that modern style

[41:25] that people love.

[41:27] It's all glass and steel.

[41:28] It's easy to clean.

[41:29] Self-cleaning windows?

[41:30] Mm-hmm.

[41:31] What if it was like

[41:32] she's a real Frank Gary type

[41:33] and Anna was like,

[41:34] you want to tear down

[41:35] this beautiful mansion

[41:36] and just make something

[41:36] that looks like

[41:37] a pile of crap

[41:37] just fell down?

Stuart Wellington

[41:39] Wow,

[41:40] harsh critique.

[41:41] Take that,

[41:41] Frank Gary.

Elliott Kalan

[41:42] I don't like your buildings.

[41:43] I don't say your movies.

[41:44] I like your movies either.

[41:45] I'm sure you don't like

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] his movies either.

Stuart Wellington

[41:46] It's just a bunch of

[41:47] a pile of frames

[41:48] sort of like strung together.

[41:50] Guess I'll return

[41:50] this Lego set

[41:52] based on Frank Gary's buildings.

[41:53] I have a Lego set

[41:55] based on Frank Gary's buildings.

Elliott Kalan

[41:56] Every Lego set

[41:56] before you put it together.

[42:00] Anna dreams that,

[42:01] oh,

[42:01] so they're worried.

[42:03] At work,

[42:04] Christian calls Anna.

[42:04] This is when he calls himself

[42:05] your boss's boss's boss,

[42:07] which is gross.

[42:07] Anna says it's time

[42:08] for a surprise vacation

[42:09] to Aspen.

[42:11] She gets on their private plane.

[42:12] All her friends are there.

[42:13] Yay.

[42:14] He's like,

[42:14] hey,

[42:14] I understand.

[42:15] You said you wanted

[42:16] to spend time with your friends

[42:17] and not just be a prisoner

[42:18] of my sex apartment.

[42:19] I'm going instead

[42:20] to imprison all of your friends

[42:22] and take them with us

[42:23] to my Aspen sex house.

[42:24] You can see your friends

[42:25] under my terms now.

[42:29] He's like,

[42:29] you bought this vacation.

[42:31] We should take it

[42:31] because last movie,

[42:32] remember,

[42:32] she bid in the charity auction

[42:34] on the Grey's Aspen house.

[42:37] That was before balls

[42:38] got stuck in somebody's holes,

[42:39] right?

[42:39] That was after.

[42:40] Okay.

[42:41] He had already put balls

[42:42] in her holes

[42:42] and then she was wearing them

[42:43] during the auction.

[42:44] Oh,

[42:45] right.

Stuart Wellington

[42:45] Like in The Ugly Truth.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] They made a big,

[42:47] yes,

[42:48] they made a big,

[42:48] except in The Ugly Truth,

Stuart Wellington

[42:50] those vibrating panties,

Elliott Kalan

[42:51] those vibrating panties,

[42:52] the remote control

[42:53] of which falls into

[42:54] the hands of a child,

[42:55] those drive her mad

[42:56] with desire

[42:57] and she's so flustered.

[42:58] In this one,

[42:59] he puts Benoit balls

[43:00] in her

[43:01] and is like,

[43:01] just watch out.

[43:02] And her entire reaction

[43:03] is,

[43:04] oh.

[43:04] Like,

[43:05] that's it.

[43:06] The same titter

[43:08] of mild amusement

[43:09] of a New Yorker cartoon

[43:10] is what this erotic adventure

[43:12] has elicited.

[43:14] How do you get

[43:15] those things out?

[43:16] A plunger.

[43:17] Okay.

[43:18] He's a little plunger.

Stuart Wellington

[43:19] You throw a mini tantrum

[43:22] and jump up and down.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] I want to hear,

[43:25] where, where,

[43:26] like that.

[43:26] Okay,

[43:27] so they go to the house

[43:28] and Christian,

[43:29] at this moment,

[43:30] seals my understanding

[43:32] of him as the world's

[43:33] worst man,

[43:34] the world's biggest asshole,

[43:35] by surprising everyone

[43:36] with an impromptu

[43:37] piano recital

[43:39] as he sings

[43:39] Maybe I'm Amazed,

[43:41] accompanying himself.

[43:42] And I'm like,

[43:43] fuck you, dude.

[43:44] This is it.

[43:44] I have never been

[43:45] in a situation,

[43:46] ever,

[43:47] where I've been

[43:47] in a social setting

[43:48] and someone has started

[43:49] unsolicited,

[43:50] started playing music

[43:51] and I've been like,

[43:52] this is making it better.

[43:53] I love this.

[43:54] Hey,

[43:54] you know how we were

[43:55] all hanging out,

[43:55] having a good time talking?

[43:57] Now we have to stop

[43:58] so that you can strum along

[43:59] on your acoustic guitar

[44:00] and sing that one song

[44:01] from college

[44:01] everyone knows the words to?

[44:03] Thanks, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[44:04] But, Dan,

[44:05] it's still okay

[44:05] if you give him that

[44:06] as a wedding gift.

Elliott Kalan

[44:07] Yeah, no, Dan,

[44:07] I'm not talking about you.

[44:08] You're the great Dane.

[44:09] You can get away with it.

[44:09] Thanks.

[44:10] I mean,

[44:10] when Dan does it,

[44:11] it's a totally different thing.

[44:12] It's music and magic.

Stuart Wellington

[44:16] Dane McCoy,

[44:17] music and magic.

[44:19] Twelve new tracks.

Elliott Kalan

[44:25] It's his concept album.

[44:27] Every track is a trick.

[44:34] A trick is how I get you

[44:35] to pay for my music.

[44:39] So,

[44:39] but they're like,

[44:40] we've never heard

[44:40] Christian sing before

[44:41] and it's just like,

[44:42] come on, dude,

[44:43] get over yourself.

[44:44] He's got to be

[44:44] the center of attention

[44:45] all the time.

[44:46] Anna dreams she's

[44:47] on her honeymoon,

[44:47] but it's with Hyde.

[44:48] Ah!

[44:49] But she gets over it

[44:50] by having ice cream

[44:51] kitchen sex with Christian.

[44:53] She's just dripping

[44:55] ice cream all over him

[44:56] and then licking it off

[44:57] and it seems,

[44:58] that's one of those things

[44:58] that seems like

[44:59] it would be in real life

[45:00] less sexy than like sticky

[45:02] and kind of uncomfortable.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] I've never understood

[45:04] the whole food sex thing.

[45:05] It's just like,

[45:06] uh,

[45:07] I'll do something

[45:08] that's cleaner,

[45:08] please.

[45:09] It's like,

[45:10] hey,

[45:10] you know what I've always

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] wanted in my pubic hair?

[45:12] Sticky things.

[45:13] Yeah.

[45:13] Sure,

[45:14] let's do that.

[45:14] But that's why,

[45:16] guys,

[45:17] maybe I learned this

[45:17] the wrong way.

[45:18] That's why you're

[45:18] totally shaved down there.

[45:19] It's why,

[45:20] one,

[45:20] I'm totally shaved

[45:21] and two,

[45:21] I've stopped my molasses

[45:22] sex play.

[45:23] Uh-huh.

[45:23] where,

[45:24] one,

[45:24] the dripping

[45:25] takes so long,

[45:26] it takes forever

[45:26] for it to run

[45:27] down your body

[45:28] and so you're just

[45:29] standing there waiting,

[45:30] getting cold

[45:31] because of course

[45:31] it's cold molasses

[45:33] because you don't want

[45:34] it to drip so much.

[45:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:36] What about the sex play

[45:37] where you rub school

[45:38] paste all of yourself?

Stuart Wellington

[45:40] Well,

[45:41] it's delicious.

[45:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] And causes no anal blockage.

[45:45] So that that one weird kid

[45:46] can lick it off you,

[45:47] the one who's always

[45:48] eating the paste?

[45:49] Uh-huh.

[45:49] Damn,

[45:49] that's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[45:51] Uh,

[45:52] so while they're having

[45:53] this lovely sex,

[45:54] they also knock over

[45:55] their decorative bowl

[45:56] of apples that I'm assuming

[45:57] was set up by like

[45:58] a housekeeper?

[45:59] I assume so.

[46:00] And that represents

[46:01] the loss of innocence.

[46:02] Oh,

[46:02] that makes sense.

[46:03] And knowledge,

[46:04] throwing knowledge

[46:04] on the ground.

[46:06] They've taken the fruit

[46:07] of the tree of knowledge

[46:08] and they've said,

[46:08] no thank you,

[46:09] and slammed it

[46:10] into the ground.

[46:10] We'll be enjoying

[46:11] this Americone dream,

[46:12] thank you very much.

[46:14] Do you think

[46:15] that's what it was?

[46:15] It was some kind

[46:16] of Ben and Jerry's

[46:17] that she was eating?

[46:17] Yeah,

[46:18] I mean,

[46:18] they're super wealthy,

[46:19] right?

[46:19] Or maybe it was like,

[46:21] I don't know,

[46:21] what's a fancy ice cream,

[46:22] Dan?

[46:24] A fancy ice cream?

[46:25] Probably something

[46:25] called gelato.

[46:26] Like some kind

[46:26] of gelato.

[46:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:28] Maybe it was just

[46:29] briars?

[46:30] Maybe it was just

[46:31] briars.

[46:31] It was,

[46:32] what she did was

[46:33] she took the outsides

[46:34] off of a,

[46:35] off of a Weight Watchers

[46:36] Tofutie Cutie?

[46:38] Yeah,

[46:39] it's a skinny count.

Stuart Wellington

[46:40] He,

[46:41] and the best part

[46:42] is when he finds her

[46:42] in the kitchen,

[46:43] he goes,

[46:44] he walks in there,

[46:45] he goes straight

[46:45] to the refrigerator

[46:46] and she surprised him

[46:48] and he's like,

[46:48] hey,

[46:48] I was looking for you

[46:49] like in the refrigerator.

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] I know how sometimes

[46:53] when you get upset,

[46:53] you climb into the crisper.

Stuart Wellington

[46:56] He's like,

[46:56] I'd forgotten

[46:57] how large you were.

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] I thought you were little

[47:00] and also maybe

[47:02] a head of lettuce.

Dan McCoy

[47:03] I was reading this

[47:04] article online

[47:05] about women

[47:05] in refrigerators

[47:06] and I think

[47:07] I may have misunderstood it.

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] He's like,

[47:09] oh yeah,

[47:09] you're not milk,

[47:10] you're over here.

[47:12] So they have sex.

[47:14] Christian's detective

[47:14] slash bodyguard.

[47:16] He tells Christian

[47:16] all the inside info

[47:17] they've been able

[47:18] to dig up on Hyde,

[47:19] such as he went

[47:20] to Princeton.

[47:21] Yes.

[47:22] And also worked

[47:23] at other publishers.

[47:25] It's like,

[47:25] okay, great.

[47:26] So this guy did

[47:26] the minimum amount

[47:27] of research.

[47:27] They also found out

[47:28] he has some

[47:29] former blackmail

[47:30] in his past.

[47:31] He used to tape

[47:32] himself having sex

[47:32] with women

[47:33] and then blackmail

[47:33] them with the video.

[47:34] He's also an Ivy.

Stuart Wellington

[47:35] Okay, so he got

[47:36] a little bit of juicy deets.

Elliott Kalan

[47:38] Yeah, and also

[47:38] that he was in and out

[47:40] of foster homes

[47:40] in Detroit.

[47:41] And Christian goes,

[47:42] oh, me too.

[47:43] I was also.

[47:44] Funny old world, huh?

[47:47] What are the odds,

[47:48] huh?

[47:48] What a coinkydink.

[47:49] Coinkydink.

[47:50] People still say that,

[47:50] I think.

[47:51] I guess it is a small world.

[47:53] Anna goes dress shopping

[47:54] with her friends.

[47:56] She buys,

[47:57] admittedly,

[47:57] a very attractive,

[47:58] sexy dress.

[47:59] Her friend walks out

[48:00] wearing the dowdiest

[48:01] red dress,

[48:02] and everyone's like,

[48:02] ooh, girl, whoa,

[48:04] watch out,

[48:05] too hot, hot stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[48:06] It feels very much

[48:07] like they're intentionally

[48:09] dressing her to make

[48:10] Anna's dress look sexier.

Elliott Kalan

[48:12] Yeah, I think you're right.

[48:14] Or the other thing is

[48:15] they're trying to get

[48:16] Kate to get out

[48:17] of her shell a little bit.

[48:18] They're pretending

[48:19] that her kind of mom wear

[48:20] is very sexy

[48:21] to acclimate her to that.

[48:22] We're getting really granular

[48:23] about this dress.

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] So while Kate is wearing

[48:25] this trash bag,

[48:27] Anna looks out the window

[48:28] and sees Anna's boyfriend,

[48:30] Elliot.

[48:31] Kate's boyfriend, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] Oh, shit.

[48:32] Christian's brother.

[48:33] Anna's boyfriend is her husband,

[48:35] Christian Grey,

[48:35] the titular Grey.

[48:37] It's nice to know

Stuart Wellington

[48:37] that they kind of still

[48:38] consider themselves

[48:39] boyfriend and girlfriend.

Elliott Kalan

[48:40] Yeah, I mean,

[48:40] you know what?

[48:41] They're lovers,

[48:41] they're best friends,

[48:42] they're boyfriend and girlfriend,

[48:43] and they're married.

[48:44] Because just because

[48:44] you get married

[48:44] doesn't mean the love goes away.

[48:47] That happens when you have children.

[48:48] No, just kidding.

[48:49] That doesn't happen either.

[48:50] She looks out the window

[48:51] and sees Kate's boyfriend, Elliot,

[48:54] Christian's brother,

[48:55] and who's he hugging?

Stuart Wellington

[48:56] Dan, who is he hugging?

[48:57] He hugging.

[48:58] Gia Mateo.

[48:59] That's right,

[49:00] Gia Mateo,

[49:00] the queen of Aspen.

Elliott Kalan

[49:02] Gia Mateo,

[49:03] whose boobs have dominated

[49:04] many men.

[49:06] They go to a hot Aspen club

[49:08] that night

[49:08] where the topic of conversation

[49:09] on everyone's lips

[49:10] is Gia Mateo's boobs.

Stuart Wellington

[49:13] And Elliot seems to know

[49:15] a lot about her background

[49:16] and we're like,

[49:17] uh-oh,

[49:17] Elliot seems to have

[49:18] something on his mind

[49:19] and he does.

[49:20] He proposes to Kate

[49:22] and we don't give a shit.

Elliott Kalan

[49:23] Yeah, right there in front of her.

[49:25] And Anna's like,

[49:27] what do I do?

[49:27] What do I do?

[49:28] I think he might be having

[49:28] an affair with Gia Mateo

[49:29] since I saw them hugging once

[49:31] in the most chaste meeting

[49:32] of souls I've ever seen

[49:34] on a city street.

[49:36] Don't worry, guys.

[49:38] That doesn't go anywhere.

[49:39] So there's a little bit

Stuart Wellington

[49:40] of club dancing.

[49:41] There's a shot of a DJ

[49:42] that made Elliot say,

[49:43] what the fuck?

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] This guy has the dumbest hair.

[49:47] I mean, I'll give them credit.

[49:48] They went all out

[49:49] with the character design

[49:50] for this DJ.

[49:51] I guess they went to Lucasfilm

[49:53] and had one of their guys

[49:54] work on it.

[49:55] Because it's like,

[49:56] everything in this movie

[49:57] is so bland looking

[49:59] except for this one DJ.

[50:00] I have to assume that he was like,

[50:02] I'm playing a DJ in Aspen.

[50:03] I want to be remembered

[50:05] for this role.

[50:06] And I was so instantly like,

[50:07] who is this guy?

[50:08] What's his story?

[50:09] I've never been,

[50:10] I watched a whole movie

[50:10] about DJs.

[50:12] We are your friends.

[50:12] And I was not as interested

[50:13] as I am in this one guy.

[50:15] We see for a second.

[50:16] But he looks ridiculous.

[50:19] Anna and Christian

[50:19] continue their intense

[50:21] sex schedule

[50:22] to the point that

[50:22] she can't even pay attention

[50:23] at work because she's so busy

[50:25] thinking about their sex.

[50:26] The police officer

[50:27] who arrested Hyde

[50:28] comes in and tells her,

[50:30] hey, Hyde says that you and him

[50:32] are having an affair

[50:32] and that you destroyed his career

[50:34] because you're like

[50:35] a crazy bitch.

[50:36] And everyone knows

[50:37] Hyde is a bad dude

[50:38] but he's going to tell the story

[50:39] to get bail.

[50:40] So see ya.

[50:42] can't you stop him?

[50:43] He's like,

[50:43] I can't say anything.

[50:45] I just have to follow

[50:46] what people say.

Stuart Wellington

[50:47] I'm an impartial observer.

Elliott Kalan

[50:49] Ignore me.

[50:50] As Gort,

[50:51] the enforcer robot

[50:52] from the day

[50:52] the Earth stood still,

[50:53] I cannot make

[50:54] these judgments,

[50:55] Human.

[50:56] I can only enforce

[50:57] the law of the spaceways.

[50:59] If you continue

[51:00] to extend your violence,

[51:01] this Earth of yours

[51:01] shall be reduced

[51:02] to a burnt out cinder.

Stuart Wellington

[51:03] Gotta go.

[51:04] See ya.

[51:05] Clad tuber on a nick tea.

[51:07] He's like,

[51:08] but if you're really sweating it,

[51:09] he's having his bail hearing today.

[51:11] You can go see it.

[51:12] You should go see it.

[51:13] She's like,

[51:13] well,

[51:14] I don't really have to work,

[51:15] right?

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] She goes,

[51:18] she doesn't have to work.

[51:19] The judge is like,

[51:21] Mr. Hyde,

[51:22] one,

[51:22] you have an evil name.

[51:23] Two,

[51:23] that story sounds crazy.

[51:25] You seem like a ridiculous

[51:26] monster of a man,

[51:27] but your record's good,

[51:28] so I'll set bail

[51:29] at $500,000.

[51:30] And because everyone

[51:31] in the movie is rich,

[51:32] he makes bail,

[51:34] no problem.

[51:34] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[51:35] and meanwhile,

[51:35] she's in the back

[51:36] watching this,

[51:36] dressed like a grieving widow

[51:38] from a mob film.

[51:39] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[51:40] all black,

[51:41] black,

[51:41] it's one of the things

[51:42] where she dresses

[51:42] to be inconspicuous

[51:43] but sticks out

[51:44] so much more

[51:45] than she just wore

[51:46] regular clothes,

[51:47] and Hyde again

[51:47] gives her a wink

[51:48] as he walks by her.

[51:49] She is so upset,

[51:50] she throws up.

[51:51] And guys,

Stuart Wellington

[51:52] that's the moment

[51:52] when Stuart

[51:53] obviously guessed

[51:55] the cliche

[51:56] because she's not

[51:57] throwing up from fear,

[51:58] she's throwing up

[51:59] from a baby

[52:00] in that belly.

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] Stuart was like,

[52:01] oh,

[52:01] is she pregnant?

[52:02] I was like,

[52:02] no way,

[52:03] they're not going

[52:03] to do that.

[52:04] Next scene,

[52:04] her OB is like,

[52:05] hey,

[52:05] you're pregnant.

Stuart Wellington

[52:06] And that was when

[52:07] Elliot denied

[52:08] making a bet with me

[52:10] and that he was

[52:11] going to bet me

[52:11] $100 that she was

[52:13] pregnant,

[52:13] $100 American dollars.

[52:14] I said,

Elliott Kalan

[52:15] no way,

[52:15] and you said,

[52:16] if she turns out

[52:17] to be pregnant,

[52:17] you owe me $100.

[52:19] $100 American dollars.

[52:20] And I thought you said

[52:20] you have to give me

[52:22] $100 of your

[52:23] American dollars.

[52:24] That's the quote.

[52:25] And I said,

[52:25] no,

[52:26] I don't agree to that.

Stuart Wellington

[52:28] I don't know.

[52:28] I feel like there was

[52:29] something in your eyes

[52:30] that was implicit

[52:30] to agreeing with my

[52:32] Well,

[52:33] I didn't say my

Elliott Kalan

[52:33] bet safe word,

[52:34] which is red.

[52:36] She goes to her,

[52:37] and this is a real show

[52:38] of how rich she is.

[52:39] She can get a same day

[52:40] appointment with her

[52:40] gynecologist.

[52:41] Am I right,

[52:42] fellas?

[52:42] I mean,

[52:43] I don't have any.

[52:44] I guess so.

[52:44] I don't really know

[52:45] about gynecologists.

[52:46] All my experience

[52:46] with doctors is bad.

[52:47] Trust me on this one.

[52:49] Okay,

[52:49] guys,

[52:49] she's pregnant

[52:50] because she stopped

[52:51] taking her shots

[52:54] for her contraception

[52:55] or she forgot.

[52:57] Christian is upset.

[52:57] He says,

[52:58] he's not ready

[52:58] to be a father

[52:59] no shit,

[53:00] dude,

[53:00] look at you.

[53:01] You're like this

[53:01] sex-obsessed baby man.

[53:04] He comes back drunk

[53:06] and when he is drunk,

[53:07] he is the least charming man

[53:09] in the history of the world.

[53:11] This was a realistic moment

[53:12] for me where it's like,

[53:12] oh,

[53:13] when Christian Grey is drunk,

[53:14] he is just like

[53:14] every sloppy,

[53:15] drunk asshole dude.

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] Well,

[53:16] he's a man who's

[53:17] all about control,

[53:18] Elliot.

[53:19] So when he gets drunk,

[53:20] he loses control.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] I guess that's the heart,

[53:22] the real pain

[53:23] that he likes to inflict

[53:24] on himself

[53:24] because he's forcing himself

[53:25] to play this role.

[53:27] Yeah.

[53:28] He's caught

[53:28] in handcuffs

[53:30] on the inside

[53:31] because he put handcuffs

[53:32] on his intestines.

[53:33] Oh,

[53:34] wow.

[53:34] Also his emotions.

[53:36] Commitment.

[53:37] The real shackles

[53:37] are the ones you can't see.

[53:39] Just kidding.

[53:39] They're the ones

[53:39] that people get put in.

[53:40] Yeah,

[53:40] that's fair.

[53:41] He's upset,

[53:42] he tells her,

[53:42] because babies mean no sex

[53:44] and he goes,

[53:44] you'll see,

[53:45] you'll choose him over me

[53:46] which is,

[53:47] I mean,

[53:47] that's one,

[53:48] a number of relationships

[53:49] I think have to deal

[53:50] with that emotional subtext

[53:51] of I used to be

[53:52] the central figure

[53:53] in your life

[53:54] and now this child

[53:55] is the central figure

[53:55] in your life

[53:56] and we have to work

[53:57] to keep our relationship alive

[53:58] but there's also

[53:59] the weird undercurrent

[53:59] of like,

[54:00] you're going to start

[54:00] having sex with that baby

[54:02] and not with me.

[54:03] It's like,

[54:03] that's a weird way

[54:04] to go,

[54:04] Christian.

[54:04] He kind of had

Stuart Wellington

[54:05] that relationship

[54:06] when he was a young man

[54:07] with his mom's friend.

[54:09] That's true,

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] with his mom's best friend

[54:10] Kim Basinger

[54:11] as herself.

[54:12] Yeah.

[54:14] And she puts him to bed

[54:16] and she sees that

[54:17] he got a text

[54:17] from who else

[54:18] but Kim Basinger

[54:19] saying that he hung out

[54:21] with her that night.

Stuart Wellington

[54:21] There is no world

[54:22] where Christian Grey

[54:24] has the text displayed

[54:26] when texts show up

[54:27] on his phone.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] No way,

[54:28] Mr. Secrets?

[54:29] Yeah,

[54:29] a man who has

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] multiple locked rooms

[54:30] in his house.

Elliott Kalan

[54:32] That his housekeeper

[54:33] doesn't know about?

[54:35] Which means that

[54:36] Christian Grey

[54:37] has to go in

[54:37] and clean that room himself.

Dan McCoy

[54:39] Ew,

[54:40] that's going to be

[54:40] the dirtiest room

[54:41] in the house.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] I mean,

[54:43] I guess,

[54:43] yeah.

[54:44] Yeah.

[54:45] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[54:45] you haven't seen

[54:46] his bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] Okay.

[54:47] And she goes,

[54:48] she doesn't want

[54:49] to share a bed with him,

[54:49] so she goes

[54:50] and she curls up

[54:51] to sleep in the red room,

[54:52] thus making literal

[54:53] his fear.

[54:54] Their sex room

[54:55] has become

[54:55] just for sleeping.

Stuart Wellington

[54:57] The prophecy

[54:57] is complete.

Elliott Kalan

[54:59] As was foretold

[55:00] in decades past

[55:02] by the wise ones.

[55:04] The next morning

[55:05] while dressing,

[55:06] Anna and Christian

[55:06] have,

[55:07] I have to say,

[55:08] a fairly realistic

[55:09] couple fight.

[55:11] And the thing

[55:11] that makes it

[55:12] the most realistic

[55:12] is that Anna's

[55:13] getting dressed

[55:14] while they're doing it.

[55:15] And Stuart goes,

[55:16] this is how it starts,

[55:17] casual nudity.

[55:18] Yeah,

[55:18] their nudity

[55:19] no longer arouses them.

[55:20] It's just a fact

[55:21] to be admitted to.

[55:22] But like,

[55:23] it's like,

[55:24] don't look now.

[55:25] But it's like,

[55:25] I mean,

[55:26] it is kind of like

[55:26] don't look now.

[55:27] Like,

[55:27] there's nothing sexy

[55:28] about this scene.

[55:29] She's just very

[55:30] matter-of-factly

[55:30] getting dressed.

[55:31] And I was like,

[55:31] okay,

[55:32] that's a realistic thing

[55:33] in a marriage.

[55:33] Like,

[55:34] when I saw

[55:34] Don't Look Now

[55:35] as a teenager,

[55:36] I was like,

[55:37] blown away by,

[55:38] oh,

[55:38] when you're married,

[55:38] you'll just brush

[55:39] your teeth naked

[55:40] in front of your wife

[55:41] or your husband,

[55:42] and it's not a sexy thing.

[55:43] It's just like,

[55:44] you've reached

[55:45] that level of comfort

[55:46] where you're just like,

[55:47] whatever,

[55:47] okay.

[55:47] And you were also

[55:48] blown away

[55:49] about how it's

[55:49] the dumbest movie

[55:50] ever made.

[55:51] How,

[55:51] aside from those,

[55:52] the scenes of their marriage,

[55:53] it doesn't make any sense

[55:54] otherwise.

[55:54] And it's not scary.

[55:58] Jesus.

[55:58] When people,

[55:59] like,

[55:59] I feel like

[56:00] Don't Look Now,

[56:01] and I'm just gonna say it too,

[56:02] Eyes Without a Face

[56:03] are two movies,

[56:04] they're not bad movies,

[56:06] they have their good things

[56:06] about them,

[56:07] but people are like,

[56:08] you know what my favorite

[56:09] horror movie is?

[56:10] Eyes Without a Face.

[56:11] Like,

[56:12] you mean the not scary movie?

[56:13] I think my favorite

[56:14] horror movie is

[56:14] Don't Look Now.

[56:16] okay,

[56:16] so you're just trying

[56:16] to sound artsy.

[56:17] I'm like,

Stuart Wellington

[56:17] I'm not gonna look now

[56:19] at that movie you just said.

[56:20] Yeah.

[56:21] I like both of those movies.

Elliott Kalan

[56:23] They're both fine movies,

[56:24] but they are not

[56:25] particularly scary.

[56:25] Eyes Without a Face

Stuart Wellington

[56:26] made me wish

[56:26] that I didn't have

[56:27] eyes in my face.

[56:30] Right?

[56:30] Any more good ones?

[56:32] Those are pretty good,

[56:33] right?

[56:33] Yeah.

[56:34] Anyway.

[56:34] I'll tweet them.

[56:35] I'll tweet them.

Elliott Kalan

[56:36] Yeah, tweet those.

[56:37] Hashtag extra jokes,

[56:38] it'll make sense

[56:39] when the episode comes out.

[56:40] So,

[56:41] the next morning

[56:42] they have that fight,

[56:43] she really digs into

[56:44] his mommy abandonment issues,

[56:45] because as you remember,

[56:46] Christian's birth mother

[56:47] was what,

[56:48] like a drug addict?

[56:49] Yeah.

[56:49] And she was,

[56:50] wait a minute,

[56:51] she was killed in front of him,

[56:52] right?

[56:52] Or am I thinking of Dexter?

[56:54] Oh,

[56:54] I think that's Dexter.

[56:55] Because Dexter was found

[56:56] in a shipping container

[56:58] full of blood,

[56:59] right?

[56:59] By James Remar.

[57:01] So,

[57:01] wait,

[57:01] so.

[57:01] With his brother

[57:02] who's also a serial killer.

[57:04] Yes,

[57:04] that's right.

[57:05] Because everyone has

[57:07] a serial killer brother

[57:07] when you're a genius killer.

[57:09] Yeah.

[57:10] The,

[57:10] oh,

[57:10] no.

[57:10] I mean,

[57:11] it's Miami,

[57:11] the Miami,

[57:12] Miami world of serial killers.

[57:14] They have so many serial killers

[57:15] per capita,

[57:16] according to that show.

[57:17] So,

[57:18] he was,

[57:19] because he had a,

[57:19] his birth mother

[57:20] was a drug addict.

[57:21] He went into foster care

[57:23] and was adopted by the Greys

[57:25] and this rich life.

[57:26] So,

[57:27] he has a lot of

[57:28] mommy abandonment issues.

[57:28] Jack Hyde calls Anna

[57:29] out of nowhere,

[57:30] says,

[57:31] I kidnapped Christian's sister Mia

[57:32] and I want five million dollars

[57:34] in two hours

[57:35] or else I'm gonna kill her.

[57:36] I was supposed to be Christian Grey.

[57:38] He owes me a life.

[57:39] I'm not gonna explain that right now.

[57:40] Forget I brought it up.

[57:41] Never mind.

[57:41] I'm working through something.

[57:43] She slips away from her bodyguard

[57:44] who is so bad

[57:46] at keeping track of her.

[57:47] She goes,

[57:48] hey,

[57:48] meet me in the library.

[57:49] A library which has

[57:50] almost no books in it.

[57:51] It's a pool room.

[57:52] It has a pool table.

[57:53] Let me say this.

[57:54] You should,

[57:54] it should be the billiards room.

[57:56] If you call the room

[57:57] that has a pool table,

[57:58] no books,

[57:58] a library,

[57:59] you might be a dumb rich person.

[58:01] Because I've been in

[58:03] people's houses like that

[58:04] where they're rich

[58:04] and they have a pool table.

[58:05] This is your white collar

[58:06] comedy tour?

[58:07] This is my 1% comedy tour.

[58:10] If you've got a lot of books

[58:11] in your house

[58:11] but you've never actually opened them,

[58:13] you might be a dumb rich person.

[58:16] And I was at,

[58:16] this was a relative's house

[58:18] and they had all these

[58:19] leather bound classics

[58:20] of literature

[58:21] and I was like,

[58:22] oh, this is a great book

[58:22] and I took one down

[58:23] and opened it

[58:24] and heard the telltale crack

[58:25] of a book that had

[58:26] never been opened before.

Dan McCoy

[58:28] They were gonna say

[58:29] it was like cut out

[58:29] and there's a flask inside.

Elliott Kalan

[58:32] It's like a,

[58:32] it's like a Charlie Brown's restaurant

[58:34] and they just sliced

[58:35] the spine off a book

[58:36] and glued it to the wall

[58:37] to make it look like

[58:39] a library full of books.

[58:41] But it was like

[58:41] this moment of like,

[58:42] I'd never heard,

[58:43] it was like a,

[58:44] it was like a crack of thunder

[58:45] from the heavens.

[58:46] The sound of

[58:47] this unread copy

[58:48] of Don Quixote

[58:49] that had never even been

[58:50] flipped through.

[58:51] But anyway,

[58:53] taught me a lot

[58:54] about my relatives.

[58:55] Anyway,

[58:55] she escapes her bodyguard.

[58:56] The bodyguard's like,

[58:57] oh, I'll meet you in the library.

[58:58] She just leaves

[58:59] while he's going there.

[58:59] And then he's calling,

[59:00] he's like,

[59:01] she got away

[59:01] as he watches her

[59:02] get into her car

[59:04] and drive off.

[59:05] And he's like going,

[59:06] fuck,

[59:06] oh, fuck,

[59:07] she got away.

[59:07] Like he's so unprofessional.

[59:09] Like,

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] well,

[59:09] calm down.

[59:10] Calm down,

[59:10] Sawyer.

[59:12] And she goes to the bank.

[59:14] The banker calls Christian.

[59:16] Uh-oh.

[59:16] She can't even write a check

[59:17] for $5 million to get cashed?

[59:19] For cash,

[59:20] no questions asked right away.

[59:21] But Hyde told her,

[59:22] don't tell Christian

[59:23] about what's going on

[59:23] so she can't tell him.

[59:24] Christian thinks that

[59:25] Anna is leaving him

[59:26] and is taking his money.

[59:28] Which,

Stuart Wellington

[59:28] which Anna could

[59:29] kind of,

[59:30] wouldn't,

[59:31] I mean,

[59:32] it's not a-

[59:32] Would be understandable.

[59:33] He's a bad husband.

Dan McCoy

[59:34] But,

[59:35] but when he says like,

[59:36] are you leaving me?

[59:37] She could just say no

[59:38] at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] Well,

[59:39] she's very upset

[59:40] that she's in this position.

[59:41] I think she is so overcome

[59:42] with emotion

[59:42] that she can't even talk.

[59:44] Like,

[59:44] she,

[59:45] if she was thinking straight,

[59:45] she'd say no,

[59:46] something's going on,

[59:47] I have to tell you about it.

[59:48] But she's,

[59:48] that her marriage

[59:49] has gotten to the point

[59:50] where her husband,

[59:50] her new husband

[59:51] can conceive

[59:52] that she is now leaving him.

[59:54] Yeah.

[59:54] Because things have gotten

[59:55] so bad between them

[59:56] that they have no future.

[59:57] And that she's leaving him

[59:58] because she's pregnant

[59:59] and that he refuses

[1:00:00] to be a father to a baby.

[1:00:02] I can see how she would be

[1:00:02] so upset that she can't think,

[1:00:04] she can't really find

[1:00:05] the words in that moment.

[1:00:06] And I describe the moment

[1:00:07] much more powerfully

[1:00:08] than it is presented

[1:00:09] in the film,

[1:00:10] I have to say.

[1:00:11] But,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:11] and the,

[1:00:12] Christian,

[1:00:12] in a great show

[1:00:13] of releasing control,

[1:00:14] this is his big moment,

[1:00:15] says to the banker,

[1:00:17] do whatever my wife tells you.

[1:00:18] Even if,

[1:00:19] even if she is leaving him,

[1:00:20] then he's going to do it.

[1:00:22] But then he gets in his car

[1:00:22] and he's like,

[1:00:23] Anna's in trouble.

[1:00:23] We got to figure something out.

[1:00:25] This doesn't make sense.

[1:00:26] And he starts tracking her

[1:00:28] with her phone,

[1:00:29] which is.

[1:00:30] Because she takes,

[1:00:31] she takes the bank manager's phone.

[1:00:33] Yeah,

[1:00:34] she goes,

[1:00:34] tells the bank manager,

[1:00:35] I need to use the emergency exit.

[1:00:36] Can you give me your phone?

[1:00:37] And the bank manager's like,

[1:00:38] these rich fucking clients

[1:00:40] that I have to do everything for.

[1:00:42] Like,

[1:00:42] it's a real,

[1:00:43] you get this little glimpse

[1:00:44] into Christian Gray's relationship

[1:00:45] with his banker,

[1:00:46] which is probably like

[1:00:47] a Trump Michael Cohen type thing,

[1:00:48] where it's like,

[1:00:49] you're my guy,

[1:00:50] you're on call all the time,

[1:00:51] and you always have to

[1:00:51] debase yourself for me.

[1:00:53] So it's like,

[1:00:54] Christian's like,

[1:00:55] hey,

[1:00:55] you're the only guy

[1:00:56] who knows that I spend

[1:00:56] most of my money

[1:00:57] on crazily expensive sex toys.

[1:00:59] I need you to buy

[1:01:00] a stained glass dildo

[1:01:02] in your name

[1:01:03] so that I can,

[1:01:03] I'll pay you back for it,

[1:01:04] but I can't have my name on it

[1:01:06] because I'm famous.

[1:01:07] And he's like,

[1:01:07] and the banker's wife is like,

[1:01:09] Waylon,

[1:01:09] because his last name is Waylon,

[1:01:10] Waylon,

[1:01:12] why are you?

[1:01:12] Waylon Jennings.

[1:01:13] We don't have this kind of money.

[1:01:14] Why are you spending it all

[1:01:15] on antique sex toys?

[1:01:18] oh no,

[1:01:19] I like using them

[1:01:20] with my mistress,

[1:01:20] I guess,

[1:01:21] honey.

[1:01:21] I can't reveal the identity

[1:01:22] of my biggest client.

[1:01:24] Anyway,

[1:01:25] the guy says,

[1:01:26] give your phone to the driver.

[1:01:28] There's a car waiting for you.

[1:01:29] The waiting car is being driven

[1:01:30] by Liz,

[1:01:31] her coworker,

[1:01:32] who doesn't like her.

[1:01:33] She gives Liz the banker's phone,

[1:01:35] which Liz discards

[1:01:36] by dropping it in a puddle

[1:01:38] in an alleyway.

[1:01:39] So Christian can still track her phone

[1:01:41] because that's not creepy

[1:01:42] to track your spouse's phone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:43] Thank God that bank manager's phone

[1:01:45] got ruined.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:45] Yeah.

[1:01:46] That's the other thing.

[1:01:47] He's like,

[1:01:47] oh,

[1:01:48] that was my phone.

[1:01:51] I had so many games on that.

[1:01:54] Anna goes to drop off

[1:01:56] the money with Hyde.

[1:01:57] Hyde starts really beating her up badly

[1:01:59] and kicks her in the tummy.

[1:02:01] And she pulls out the gun

[1:02:02] and shoots him in the knee.

[1:02:04] And then the police show up.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] And so.

[1:02:07] A lot of action

[1:02:08] is packed into the last

[1:02:10] 20 or so minutes of this film.

[1:02:12] She shoots him

[1:02:12] after literally nothing happening

[1:02:14] for the rest of it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:14] She shoots him with the gun

[1:02:15] that showed up in movie two.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:18] Oh,

[1:02:19] it all ties together.

[1:02:20] And you see,

[1:02:21] that gun was pointed at her

[1:02:22] because of Christian's old lover.

[1:02:24] Now she's owned that

[1:02:26] and she's repurposed that weapon.

[1:02:28] Oh,

[1:02:28] cool.

[1:02:28] And she's found her own power source,

[1:02:30] which is a gun.

[1:02:31] Yeah.

[1:02:32] Yeah.

[1:02:33] And they all show up.

[1:02:35] They save the sister.

[1:02:36] There's a teary hospital bed reunion.

[1:02:39] Yeah.

[1:02:39] And she,

[1:02:40] and after Christian talks to his mom,

[1:02:42] Marcia Gay Harden

[1:02:43] in her one scene in the movie,

[1:02:44] and she says,

[1:02:45] oh no,

[1:02:45] Anna would never leave you.

[1:02:46] She loves you too much.

[1:02:47] And she's tenacious.

[1:02:49] And Christian reveals

[1:02:50] that Liz had had an affair with Hyde

[1:02:51] and he was blackmailing her

[1:02:52] with a sex tape.

[1:02:54] Uh oh.

[1:02:55] And Anna tells Christian,

[1:02:57] you have to forgive your mother.

[1:02:59] That's the only way

[1:02:59] we're going to figure this out.

[1:03:00] And you're going to feel like

[1:03:01] you're going to,

[1:03:02] you have to forgive your mother

[1:03:03] and love her,

[1:03:03] your birth mother,

[1:03:04] and love her unconditionally

[1:03:05] the way this baby

[1:03:06] is going to love you unconditionally.

[1:03:08] And it's like,

[1:03:08] yeah,

[1:03:08] that's true.

[1:03:08] That baby is going to love me

[1:03:09] even though he is going to be

[1:03:10] objectively a terrible dad.

[1:03:12] Yeah.

[1:03:12] And not because of the sex stuff.

[1:03:14] Just because he's a self-centered asshole.

[1:03:16] Um,

[1:03:17] then,

[1:03:18] shocking,

[1:03:19] shocking turn of events,

[1:03:21] Christian Anna learned

[1:03:22] that Christian and Hyde

[1:03:23] were in foster care together.

[1:03:25] What?

[1:03:25] And so Hyde has always been mad

[1:03:27] that the Greys adopted Christian

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:29] and not him.

[1:03:30] The Greys took him away

[1:03:32] in their spaceship?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:33] Yeah, yeah.

[1:03:34] And at first he was like,

[1:03:35] yeah,

[1:03:35] probe him.

[1:03:36] I don't want it.

[1:03:37] And then it turned out

[1:03:37] that the Greys were rich aliens.

[1:03:39] And he was like,

[1:03:39] no,

[1:03:40] probe me all you want.

[1:03:41] Give me the money.

[1:03:42] Give me that cheddar.

[1:03:44] Give me those credits.

[1:03:45] Give me those astro bucks.

[1:03:46] I need to buy some death sticks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:50] Nice.

[1:03:51] Yeah,

[1:03:51] I guess that's what you

[1:03:51] spend your astro bucks on.

[1:03:53] He's already developed

[1:03:54] a death stick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:54] Yeah.

[1:03:55] That's the problem

[1:03:56] with foster care.

[1:03:56] It's the indictment of the system.

[1:03:59] and Christian is like,

[1:04:00] I'm the,

[1:04:00] I'm only me

[1:04:01] because I was adopted

[1:04:02] by rich people.

[1:04:02] What if I had turned out

[1:04:03] like hide?

[1:04:04] And she's like,

[1:04:04] you're a good man.

[1:04:05] You never would have

[1:04:06] turned out by hiding.

[1:04:06] All evidence to the contrary.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:08] You are a controlling monster.

[1:04:10] And that's the thing

[1:04:10] about being a controlling person

[1:04:12] is that I'm assuming

[1:04:13] that works really well

[1:04:14] with children.

[1:04:16] being controlled.

[1:04:16] I mean,

[1:04:17] you do have to establish boundaries.

[1:04:19] But I'm assuming like,

[1:04:20] there's so much

[1:04:21] out of your control

[1:04:22] when raising a child

[1:04:23] all through a child's life

[1:04:25] that being a control freak

[1:04:26] would,

[1:04:26] that'll just drive you crazy.

[1:04:28] Yeah.

[1:04:28] Luckily,

[1:04:29] he has learned to release

[1:04:30] some control.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:31] Oh,

[1:04:32] okay.

[1:04:32] By inviting another human being

[1:04:34] into his life.

[1:04:35] That human being.

[1:04:37] Boys.

[1:04:37] Boys Fox.

[1:04:39] The literary works

[1:04:40] of Boys Fox.

[1:04:42] But Christian still.

[1:04:43] Christian wanders in

[1:04:44] reading one of his books.

[1:04:45] Anna,

[1:04:46] have you read these?

[1:04:47] They're so good.

[1:04:48] Yes,

[1:04:48] Christian,

[1:04:48] I edit them.

[1:04:50] I told you all about them.

[1:04:51] You should read this.

[1:04:52] I think you'd like it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:53] I picked the font size.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:55] I made it two points bigger.

[1:04:57] Oh,

[1:04:57] it's so readable.

[1:04:59] That's the Anastasia touch.

[1:05:02] But he still can't cook.

[1:05:03] He tries to cook dinner

[1:05:04] and he burns a sauce

[1:05:05] and just dumps it down the sink.

[1:05:07] And then they go visit Christian's

[1:05:09] birth mother's grave

[1:05:11] in the rain.

[1:05:12] And that's the perfect segue

[1:05:13] into an electro pop montage

[1:05:15] of scenes from the past movies

[1:05:16] as we relive the arc

[1:05:18] of their relationship

[1:05:19] through all the helicopters,

[1:05:21] private jets,

[1:05:22] and yachts that they've driven on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:23] We see Jeremy,

[1:05:24] Jamie Dorn and Christian Gray

[1:05:27] get pretty noticeably older.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:29] He,

[1:05:29] like,

[1:05:30] I didn't notice it

[1:05:30] until they brought those scenes in,

[1:05:32] but he is,

[1:05:32] like,

[1:05:33] Anna does not change

[1:05:34] very much at all.

[1:05:35] But Christian has really,

[1:05:36] the hard living is starting

[1:05:37] to take a toll on him.

[1:05:38] Yeah.

[1:05:39] He's getting that puffiness,

[1:05:40] that Leonardo DiCaprio puffiness.

[1:05:42] Hmm.

[1:05:44] And,

[1:05:44] I call the,

[1:05:44] great Dane puffiness.

[1:05:48] Dan,

[1:05:49] you don't have to own everything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:51] Yeah,

[1:05:52] relinquish some control,

[1:05:53] Dan.

[1:05:54] Yeah,

[1:05:54] come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:55] Anna then texts Christian,

[1:05:57] they're back at home,

[1:05:58] texts him to come to the red room

[1:05:59] while he's just noodling

[1:06:00] on the piano.

[1:06:01] And Christian comes in

[1:06:02] and she says,

[1:06:03] like,

[1:06:03] I'm at your pleasure,

[1:06:04] sir.

[1:06:04] and he comes in

[1:06:05] and he tells her,

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:08] wearing his best jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:09] Yeah,

[1:06:09] she has laid out his,

[1:06:11] his sex jeans.

[1:06:11] His sex jeans.

[1:06:13] Oh,

[1:06:14] he'll,

[1:06:14] he's,

[1:06:15] he's,

[1:06:15] he can't,

[1:06:16] he can't do this

[1:06:17] without his,

[1:06:18] without his Wranglers.

[1:06:20] His fucking Bugle Boys.

[1:06:22] His,

[1:06:23] his mom picked out for him.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:26] His fucking JNCOs.

[1:06:29] Yeah,

[1:06:29] now we're going to shop

[1:06:30] in the Husky section.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:31] Mom,

[1:06:31] I've lost weight.

[1:06:32] I don't need to go

[1:06:33] to the Husky section.

[1:06:33] Mom,

[1:06:34] I'm a grown man.

[1:06:35] I'll just shop

[1:06:35] in the regular sized man's department,

[1:06:37] not the Husky boy's department.

[1:06:40] It's like when I was a kid

[1:06:41] and we would go to like

[1:06:42] TGR Fridays

[1:06:43] and my dad would be like,

[1:06:44] don't order the,

[1:06:45] the adult sized chicken fingers.

[1:06:46] I'm going to get you

[1:06:46] two kids meals.

[1:06:47] And I'm like,

[1:06:48] I'm 15 years old,

[1:06:49] dad.

[1:06:49] Like,

[1:06:50] can I get an adult meal?

[1:06:51] No,

[1:06:51] no,

[1:06:51] no.

[1:06:52] It's a dollar cheaper

[1:06:53] for me to get

[1:06:53] two kids chicken fingers.

[1:06:54] It's not as much food,

[1:06:55] dad.

[1:06:56] It's the same amount of food.

[1:06:56] It's fine.

[1:06:57] Anyway,

[1:06:58] I'm still dealing with that,

[1:06:58] with that trauma.

[1:07:00] But,

[1:07:00] so Christian walks in

[1:07:02] and he tells her,

[1:07:03] you're topping from the bottom

[1:07:05] and I can live with that.

[1:07:07] Yeah.

[1:07:07] It's like,

[1:07:08] now she is the power.

[1:07:09] His character arc

[1:07:10] is complete,

[1:07:11] huh?

[1:07:12] So that's right.

[1:07:12] These three movies encompass

[1:07:13] basically the same thing

[1:07:14] as the second half

[1:07:16] of Phantom Thread

[1:07:16] where the dominating man

[1:07:19] has now become

[1:07:20] the subservient

[1:07:21] in spirit

[1:07:22] despite being still dominant

[1:07:24] to the seemingly

[1:07:25] subservient woman

[1:07:26] in his relationship.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:27] That's what happened

[1:07:28] in Phantom Thread.

[1:07:29] Now,

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:29] you probably had my experience

[1:07:30] with Phantom Thread

[1:07:31] where you fell asleep during it

[1:07:32] and had to rewatch the ending.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:34] Yeah,

[1:07:34] I assume that after he had

[1:07:35] that poison stuff

[1:07:37] he turned into a ghost

[1:07:38] and he was a phantom.

[1:07:40] And he started fighting crime

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:41] as the ghost themed tailor

[1:07:43] the Phantom Thread.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:44] Yeah,

[1:07:45] he was slamming evil.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:48] His poster says

[1:07:50] embroider evil

[1:07:51] and he's poking a needle

[1:07:52] at the camera.

[1:07:54] And then,

[1:07:55] but there's a little,

[1:07:56] the credits start rolling

[1:07:57] but up,

[1:07:58] there's a little middle credit scene.

[1:07:59] Is he gonna be part

[1:08:00] of the Avengers initiative?

[1:08:01] No,

[1:08:02] we see that

[1:08:03] they now have a toddler

[1:08:04] and they're living

[1:08:05] at their old

[1:08:06] crumbling

[1:08:06] hereditary manse

[1:08:08] that he bought her

[1:08:09] and they're a family

[1:08:11] because

[1:08:12] until the old

[1:08:13] crone arrives

[1:08:14] at the doorstep.

[1:08:15] Because

[1:08:16] like any Shakespeare comedy,

[1:08:18] no matter what

[1:08:19] happened in the plot,

[1:08:20] everything's okay

[1:08:20] as long as the hero

[1:08:21] and the woman

[1:08:22] pair bond

[1:08:23] and start

[1:08:24] a traditional family.

[1:08:26] Take that,

[1:08:27] William Shakespeare.

[1:08:29] Author of

[1:08:30] Fifty Shades Read.

[1:08:31] Wait,

[1:08:32] so you're saying

[1:08:32] what's gonna happen

[1:08:33] in the future

[1:08:33] to this family?

[1:08:34] Is there some kind of evil

[1:08:35] that's waiting for them?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:36] I mean,

[1:08:36] I think that's inevitable,

[1:08:37] right?

[1:08:37] Like,

[1:08:38] you can't reach

[1:08:39] this kind of

[1:08:39] amazing happiness

[1:08:41] without something

[1:08:42] dark from your past

[1:08:43] coming back to fruition.

[1:08:45] Like,

[1:08:45] maybe his great-grandfather,

[1:08:47] Jedediah Gray,

[1:08:49] the creator of the

[1:08:51] dog shower business.

[1:08:53] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:53] maybe this is

[1:08:54] a person who

[1:08:55] he showered the dog

[1:08:56] so much,

[1:08:56] all it's,

[1:08:58] it just melts.

[1:08:58] It's just bones now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:59] Yeah,

[1:09:00] it's just bones.

[1:09:01] Oh,

[1:09:01] dear.

[1:09:02] So it's a Winchester

[1:09:03] mystery house type thing?

[1:09:04] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:04] so bones that it became,

[1:09:06] so will you become bones too?

[1:09:08] That's the curse

[1:09:10] that she,

[1:09:10] she spits at them

[1:09:12] before she turns into dust.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:14] Yeah,

[1:09:14] and,

[1:09:15] and,

[1:09:15] he's,

[1:09:17] she's like,

[1:09:18] from now on,

[1:09:19] you'll do a different

[1:09:19] sort of boning

[1:09:20] than you used to.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:23] And then,

[1:09:23] she turns on a blacklight

[1:09:25] and sees he's got a poster

[1:09:26] of two skeletons

[1:09:27] having sex.

[1:09:28] Yeah,

[1:09:29] because he's

[1:09:29] Jordan Peterson,

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:30] Canadian academic.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:34] Yeah.

[1:09:35] We should move on,

[1:09:36] though.

[1:09:37] Okay.

[1:09:37] Is this a good,

[1:09:37] bad movie,

[1:09:38] a bad,

[1:09:38] bad movie,

[1:09:39] a movie you kind of like?

[1:09:40] Elliot,

[1:09:40] what do you think?

[1:09:41] I think,

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:42] I'm going to give it

[1:09:43] the faint praise of saying,

[1:09:44] I think this is the best movie

[1:09:45] of the Fifty Shades series.

[1:09:47] I still think it's a bad,

[1:09:48] no,

[1:09:48] you know what,

[1:09:48] I'm going to,

[1:09:49] I might call it a good,

[1:09:49] bad movie.

[1:09:50] I'll tell you why.

[1:09:50] One,

[1:09:51] there's a ton of sex in it.

[1:09:52] There's more sex in this movie

[1:09:53] than I think in the last two

[1:09:54] movies combined.

[1:09:55] And two,

[1:09:56] it's like,

[1:09:57] somehow,

[1:09:58] really goofy

[1:09:59] when it's trying to be

[1:10:00] super serious.

[1:10:01] Yeah.

[1:10:02] I don't know.

[1:10:02] And there's also,

[1:10:03] there's a slightly less amount

[1:10:04] of just rich people porn,

[1:10:08] where it's just fancy things.

[1:10:09] There's still a lot of it,

[1:10:09] but you know what?

[1:10:10] Yeah,

[1:10:11] I might say good,

[1:10:11] bad movie

[1:10:12] because it's pretty stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:13] Yeah,

[1:10:13] I mean,

[1:10:14] I think it's,

[1:10:14] I think it's good,

[1:10:15] bad movie.

[1:10:17] I've somehow,

[1:10:18] inexplicably,

[1:10:19] I've developed an affection

[1:10:20] for this series.

[1:10:22] That's called

[1:10:23] Stockholm Syndrome,

[1:10:24] Stuart.

[1:10:25] I don't know why.

[1:10:26] We need to take you

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:26] to be deprogrammed.

[1:10:27] Looks like the real sub

[1:10:28] in this relationship

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:29] is Stuart.

[1:10:30] Oh,

[1:10:30] okay.

[1:10:31] I guess I await

[1:10:32] your pleasure,

[1:10:33] movie.

[1:10:35] So yeah,

[1:10:36] I think it's good,

[1:10:37] bad.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:38] Yeah,

[1:10:39] I mean,

[1:10:39] it's marginal for me,

[1:10:40] but I guess I'll go

[1:10:41] with the crowd

[1:10:42] and say good,

[1:10:42] bad.

[1:10:43] Yeah,

[1:10:44] Dan,

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:44] bow to the pressure.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:45] I like,

[1:10:46] I like how completely

[1:10:47] unimportant

[1:10:49] all of the supporting

[1:10:50] characters are

[1:10:50] and how much time

[1:10:51] is wasted

[1:10:52] on them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:53] Oh,

[1:10:53] I forgot to mention

[1:10:54] that,

[1:10:55] so Elliot proposes

[1:10:56] to Kate

[1:10:56] and then Christian

[1:10:58] and Anna are

[1:10:58] taking a bath together

[1:10:59] because they have

[1:10:59] an enormous bath

[1:11:00] that could fit

[1:11:01] William Howard Taft

[1:11:01] in it.

[1:11:03] I think that,

[1:11:04] I'm worried that Elliot

[1:11:05] might be having an affair

[1:11:06] with Gio Mateo.

[1:11:07] And he says,

[1:11:08] he probably did have

[1:11:09] sex with her at some point.

[1:11:10] He slept with half of Aspen.

[1:11:12] oh,

[1:11:12] okay.

[1:11:13] Yeah.

[1:11:14] But he loves Kate.

[1:11:15] Oh,

[1:11:15] okay,

[1:11:16] never mind then.

[1:11:16] And then Gio Mateo

[1:11:17] is never mentioned again.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:18] I think the eventual

[1:11:20] implication is that

[1:11:21] Gio Mateo

[1:11:22] was just there

[1:11:22] to help pick out

[1:11:23] the ring.

[1:11:24] I think there was

[1:11:25] like a throwaway line.

[1:11:26] Oh,

Dan McCoy

[1:11:26] they're in front of

[1:11:27] a jewelry store

[1:11:28] when they hug.

[1:11:28] Oh,

[1:11:29] that makes sense

[1:11:29] and Gio Mateo

[1:11:30] has impeccable taste.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:31] Because who knows

[1:11:32] Kate's tastes better

[1:11:33] than Gio Mateo.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:35] Famous tastemaker

[1:11:36] and bosom haver.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] You're right,

[1:11:39] I think that was probably it.

[1:11:40] And she,

[1:11:40] that's right,

[1:11:40] because they hug

[1:11:41] and then she pats him

[1:11:42] on the face.

[1:11:42] Yeah.

[1:11:43] And Anna takes that to mean

[1:11:44] as,

[1:11:45] they just had an affair

[1:11:46] because that's what you do

[1:11:46] is you give someone a,

[1:11:48] aw,

[1:11:48] look at you,

[1:11:48] pat on the face

[1:11:49] after you have sex.

[1:11:50] But it's because she's like,

[1:11:52] you're being a grown up

[1:11:53] and you're getting married.

[1:11:54] That makes sense now.

[1:11:55] Okay,

[1:11:55] I missed that line.

[1:11:56] Now,

[1:11:57] so do you think

[1:11:57] those characters

[1:11:57] were introduced

[1:11:58] just so that

[1:11:58] the Fifty Shades

[1:11:59] cinematic universe

[1:12:00] can have the spinoff

[1:12:01] Gio Mateo movie,

[1:12:02] the Boyce Fox movie,

[1:12:04] there's the Hyde movie

[1:12:05] where he's part of

[1:12:05] a team of villains,

[1:12:06] like that kind of stuff?

Dan McCoy

[1:12:07] Yeah.

[1:12:08] Yeah,

[1:12:09] the Fifty Shades

[1:12:10] initiative,

[1:12:10] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:11] It's the Fifty Shades

[1:12:11] cinematic,

[1:12:12] the FS.

[1:12:12] It's called,

[1:12:13] it's all the shades of gray.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:14] All the shades of gray.

[1:12:15] Every last one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:16] Because I kind of want

[1:12:17] to see those spinoffs.

[1:12:17] Like,

[1:12:18] yeah,

[1:12:18] Stuart,

[1:12:18] I feel like I kind of

[1:12:20] have this weird

[1:12:20] horrifying affection

[1:12:21] for the series now,

[1:12:22] as stupid as it is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:29] Friendly Fire

[1:12:30] is a war movie podcast,

[1:12:32] but that doesn't mean

[1:12:33] you shouldn't listen to it.

[1:12:34] Boy,

[1:12:35] I'll say,

[1:12:36] you know,

[1:12:36] a lot of people,

[1:12:37] Ben and Adam,

[1:12:38] might not initially

[1:12:40] watch a war movie podcast.

S4

[1:12:42] What's in it for me,

[1:12:43] they say.

[1:12:44] Yeah.

[1:12:44] I'll tell you

[1:12:44] what's in it for you.

[1:12:45] What's in it for you

[1:12:46] is a biting

[1:12:48] sociopolitical commentary,

[1:12:50] scattered dick and fart jokes.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:55] And a lot of history.

[1:12:56] Like,

[1:12:56] there's the depicted wars,

[1:12:58] but also the history

[1:12:59] of the time period

[1:13:00] that these films

[1:13:01] were made and released.

S4

[1:13:03] They're very telling.

[1:13:04] So download Friendly Fire

[1:13:06] every Friday

[1:13:07] from your favorite podcatcher.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:09] Or MaximumFun.org.

[1:13:11] Whoa!

S4

[1:13:13] Good God, y'all!

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:16] Friendship is tough.

[1:13:21] Especially when you're

[1:13:22] constantly slaying

[1:13:22] carnivorous hell

[1:13:23] based spent on your destruction.

[1:13:25] Hey, make sure to clean the tub.

[1:13:26] I might actually need

[1:13:27] to shower today.

S4

[1:13:28] Oh, don't give me that.

[1:13:29] You've been wearing

[1:13:30] the same pair of track pants

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:31] since Tuesday.

[1:13:32] I mean,

[1:13:33] they still have the

[1:13:33] size sticker on the leg.

[1:13:34] Yeah, yeah,

[1:13:35] they do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:36] Well, still,

[1:13:37] I was thinking today

[1:13:38] might be the day.

[1:13:39] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:40] Oh, it's still alive!

[1:13:42] Kill it!

[1:13:42] I don't have any weapons!

[1:13:43] Get it with the shower head!

[1:13:44] Shit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:48] My burrito got some gunk on it.

[1:13:51] But that's just Fairhaven.

[1:13:52] We make it work.

[1:13:55] Bubble,

[1:13:55] the sci-fi comedy

[1:13:56] from MaximumFun.org.

[1:13:58] Just open your podcast app

[1:14:00] and search for Bubble.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:11] Hey, everyone.

[1:14:12] because we recorded this

[1:14:13] the way we did,

[1:14:15] we did not have

[1:14:16] our ad copy

[1:14:17] in time

[1:14:18] to do the

[1:14:19] normal read.

[1:14:20] So it's another one

[1:14:21] of your favorite

[1:14:22] solo ad reads.

[1:14:25] Bwam!

[1:14:26] Bwam!

[1:14:27] Bwam!

[1:14:27] Air horns!

[1:14:28] Air horns!

[1:14:28] Bwam!

[1:14:29] Bwam!

[1:14:31] That's kind of like

[1:14:32] a weird, like,

[1:14:32] like Edward G. Robinson

[1:14:35] air horns.

[1:14:36] Bwam!

[1:14:36] See?

[1:14:37] Bwam!

[1:14:38] Anyway,

[1:14:40] tonight,

[1:14:41] or today,

[1:14:42] I don't know

[1:14:43] when you're doing this,

[1:14:44] I don't know

[1:14:44] your fucking life,

[1:14:45] don't get on my case.

[1:14:47] Anyway,

[1:14:48] today,

[1:14:50] our podcast

[1:14:52] is sponsored

[1:14:52] in part by

[1:14:53] Blue Apron.

[1:14:56] You know what

[1:14:57] Blue Apron is,

[1:14:57] you've heard about it.

[1:14:59] They put a bunch

[1:14:59] of food in a box,

[1:15:00] they send the box

[1:15:01] to you,

[1:15:02] you use that food

[1:15:03] to make

[1:15:05] your meals.

[1:15:07] Blue Apron delivers

[1:15:08] fresh,

[1:15:08] pre-proportioned

[1:15:09] ingredients

[1:15:09] and step-by-step

[1:15:10] recipes right to

[1:15:11] your door

[1:15:12] that can be

[1:15:12] cooked in under

[1:15:13] 45 minutes.

[1:15:15] Under

[1:15:15] 45 minutes

[1:15:17] to deliciousness.

[1:15:19] Blue Apron

[1:15:20] is teaming up

[1:15:21] with best-selling

[1:15:21] cookbook author

[1:15:22] Chrissy Teigen.

[1:15:24] That's right,

[1:15:25] Chrissy Teigen.

[1:15:27] Chrissy Teigen

[1:15:28] to bring you

[1:15:30] some of her

[1:15:30] favorite recipes

[1:15:31] to make at home.

[1:15:32] Get ready for

[1:15:33] six weeks of

[1:15:34] flavorful cooking

[1:15:35] featuring recipes

[1:15:35] like garlic

[1:15:37] and soy-glazed

[1:15:38] shrimp with

[1:15:38] charred broccoli

[1:15:39] and hot green

[1:15:40] pepper sauce

[1:15:41] and sesame

[1:15:43] chicken noodles

[1:15:43] with bok choy.

[1:15:45] Hey guys,

[1:15:47] I'm gonna get

[1:15:47] real with you.

[1:15:48] There's only one

[1:15:49] way to get

[1:15:49] Blue Apron

[1:15:50] and that's by

[1:15:51] ordering Blue Apron.

[1:15:52] You can't just

[1:15:53] expect it to come

[1:15:54] up to your door

[1:15:54] without ordering it.

[1:15:56] I mean,

[1:15:56] maybe if someone

[1:15:57] gave it to you

[1:15:58] as a gift,

[1:15:59] but that is a

[1:16:00] long shot.

[1:16:01] That is a

[1:16:01] million to one.

[1:16:02] So why don't

[1:16:03] you just order it?

[1:16:04] And if you're

[1:16:05] going to order it,

[1:16:05] order it through

[1:16:06] us so we get

[1:16:07] a little sweet

[1:16:08] taste.

[1:16:09] Check out this

[1:16:09] week's menu and

[1:16:10] get your first

[1:16:11] three meals free

[1:16:11] at blueapron.com

[1:16:13] slash flophouse.

[1:16:14] That's blueapron.com

[1:16:16] slash flophouse

[1:16:17] to get your first

[1:16:19] three meals free.

[1:16:20] Blue Apron,

[1:16:21] a better way

[1:16:22] to cook.

[1:16:24] Also,

[1:16:25] we're sponsored

[1:16:26] in part by

[1:16:26] Mack Weldon.

[1:16:29] Hey,

[1:16:29] listen,

[1:16:30] you like feeling

[1:16:31] good?

[1:16:32] You like

[1:16:32] looking good?

[1:16:34] You like

[1:16:34] feeling great?

[1:16:35] How about

[1:16:36] that?

[1:16:37] Look good and

[1:16:37] feel great in

[1:16:38] Mack Weldon.

[1:16:39] That's my tip

[1:16:40] to you.

[1:16:41] Because Mack

[1:16:42] Weldon,

[1:16:43] Mack Welbom,

[1:16:45] Welbom,

[1:16:46] Welbom,

[1:16:47] Welbom,

[1:16:48] Mack Weldon

[1:16:49] believes in

[1:16:51] smart design,

[1:16:53] premium fabrics,

[1:16:55] and simple

[1:16:56] shopping.

[1:16:57] guys,

[1:16:58] this shopping

[1:16:59] is so simple.

[1:17:00] Even a

[1:17:01] Dan can do

[1:17:01] it.

[1:17:02] And you've

[1:17:03] seen how I

[1:17:03] talk.

[1:17:05] They've got

[1:17:05] this line of

[1:17:06] silver underwear

[1:17:06] and shirts

[1:17:07] that are

[1:17:07] naturally

[1:17:08] antimicrobial,

[1:17:10] meaning they

[1:17:11] eliminate odor.

[1:17:13] How many

[1:17:13] things in your

[1:17:14] life are

[1:17:14] naturally

[1:17:15] antimicrobial?

[1:17:17] I'm betting

[1:17:18] two or three

[1:17:19] at the

[1:17:20] most.

[1:17:21] At the

[1:17:22] most.

[1:17:23] Anyway,

[1:17:24] if you don't

[1:17:25] like your

[1:17:25] first pair of

[1:17:27] Mack Weldon

[1:17:27] underwear,

[1:17:29] you can keep

[1:17:30] it and they

[1:17:31] will still

[1:17:31] refund you

[1:17:32] no questions

[1:17:33] asked.

[1:17:35] No questions

[1:17:37] asked.

[1:17:39] And that is

[1:17:39] important because

[1:17:40] do you realize

[1:17:42] the number of

[1:17:42] crimes I intend

[1:17:43] on committing in

[1:17:44] my Mack Weldon

[1:17:44] underwear before

[1:17:45] returning them?

[1:17:47] So anyway,

[1:17:48] go to

[1:17:48] MackWeldon.com

[1:17:50] and get 20%

[1:17:51] off using

[1:17:52] promo code

[1:17:53] FLOP.

[1:17:55] Hey guys,

[1:17:56] it's not over

[1:17:57] yet.

[1:17:58] We've got a

[1:17:58] few Jumbotrons

[1:17:59] here.

[1:18:00] Join your

[1:18:01] host,

[1:18:01] Tyler,

[1:18:02] the Movie

[1:18:02] Buff,

[1:18:02] and Brandon

[1:18:03] the Movie

[1:18:03] Not Enough

[1:18:04] for the Film

[1:18:05] Foil podcast.

[1:18:07] A hat full

[1:18:07] of a hundred

[1:18:08] of history's

[1:18:09] greatest movies

[1:18:09] spurs their

[1:18:10] fortnightly

[1:18:11] discussion from

[1:18:12] two wildly

[1:18:13] different perspectives.

[1:18:15] Listen along

[1:18:15] as Brandon

[1:18:16] and Tyler

[1:18:16] and an

[1:18:17] occasional

[1:18:18] surprise guest.

[1:18:20] Discuss what

[1:18:20] they loved

[1:18:21] about the movie,

[1:18:22] share behind

[1:18:22] the scenes

[1:18:22] facts,

[1:18:23] offer

[1:18:24] recommendations

[1:18:24] of further

[1:18:25] viewing,

[1:18:26] and decide

[1:18:26] whether or not

[1:18:27] Brandon's dad

[1:18:28] would enjoy

[1:18:28] the movie.

[1:18:30] Search for

[1:18:30] Film Foil

[1:18:31] on your

[1:18:32] podcast player

[1:18:33] of choice

[1:18:33] or go to

[1:18:34] FilmFoilPodcast.com

[1:18:38] And secondly,

[1:18:40] secondly on the

[1:18:41] Jumbotron,

[1:18:42] which you can get

[1:18:42] on yourself if you

[1:18:44] go to

[1:18:44] MaximumFun.org

[1:18:46] slash Jumbotron.

[1:18:49] This is another

[1:18:51] podcast.

[1:18:51] It's called

[1:18:52] Unaired.

[1:18:53] Unaired is a

[1:18:54] podcast where

[1:18:55] each week the

[1:18:56] hosts watch a

[1:18:57] TV show

[1:18:57] canceled with

[1:18:59] episodes left

[1:18:59] unaired,

[1:19:01] review it,

[1:19:01] then pitch

[1:19:02] their ideas

[1:19:03] for what could

[1:19:04] have been in

[1:19:04] those episodes

[1:19:05] of those shows.

[1:19:06] They do segments

[1:19:07] like The Tooch is

[1:19:09] Loose,

[1:19:10] where they include

[1:19:10] guest appearances

[1:19:11] of Stanley Tucci

[1:19:12] in their episode

[1:19:13] pitches,

[1:19:14] and commercialize

[1:19:15] this shitty show

[1:19:16] where they share

[1:19:17] their marketing plans

[1:19:18] for these shows.

[1:19:20] New episodes

[1:19:20] every Thursday

[1:19:21] and you can find

[1:19:22] them on iTunes

[1:19:23] or wherever you

[1:19:24] find podcasts.

[1:19:26] So check out

[1:19:27] Unaired

[1:19:27] wherever you

[1:19:29] find podcasts.

[1:19:30] Where do you

[1:19:31] find them?

[1:19:31] On the beach?

[1:19:33] No,

[1:19:33] those are shells.

[1:19:34] Don't try and put

[1:19:35] those in your ears.

[1:19:36] Anyway,

[1:19:37] back to the show.

[1:19:39] Let's move on.

[1:19:41] No.

[1:19:41] Do we have to?

[1:19:42] Aww.

[1:19:43] Do letters

[1:19:44] from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:46] Wait, Dan,

[1:19:46] before we do that,

[1:19:47] I'd just like to

[1:19:48] remind people we

[1:19:49] have another live

[1:19:50] show coming up.

[1:19:51] Okay.

[1:19:52] In June.

[1:19:53] All right.

[1:19:54] On June 23rd.

[1:19:55] Okay.

[1:19:56] In Seattle,

[1:19:56] Washington.

[1:19:57] That's not true at

[1:19:57] all.

[1:19:57] It's June 30th.

[1:19:58] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1:19:59] June 30th.

[1:20:00] Well, this is well,

[1:20:00] I should have

[1:20:01] written it down.

[1:20:01] Okay, yeah,

[1:20:02] that's right.

[1:20:02] June 30th in

[1:20:03] Seattle, Washington.

[1:20:04] Go to

[1:20:04] flophousepodcast.com

[1:20:06] slash events.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:07] At the Neptune

[1:20:08] Theater.

[1:20:09] Yeah,

[1:20:10] I think there's

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:10] still tickets left

[1:20:11] as of this.

[1:20:11] Lord of the Deep.

[1:20:12] We'll be under

[1:20:13] the sea.

[1:20:14] Not really.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:15] Wait, are we?

[1:20:17] I gotta get my

[1:20:18] gills put in.

[1:20:19] Mm-hmm.

[1:20:20] It's Stuart's

[1:20:21] face right now.

[1:20:23] It's like

[1:20:24] confusion,

[1:20:25] anger,

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:25] and delight

[1:20:26] all at once.

[1:20:27] All at the same

[1:20:27] time.

[1:20:28] That's also known

[1:20:28] as Stuart's

[1:20:29] reaction to

[1:20:29] anything we say.

[1:20:31] But yeah,

[1:20:31] June 30th in

[1:20:32] Seattle, Washington.

[1:20:33] flophousepodcast.com

[1:20:34] slash events.

[1:20:36] Get some tickets.

[1:20:36] Come see us.

[1:20:36] It's our last

[1:20:37] live show before

[1:20:38] another

[1:20:39] Caitlin enters

[1:20:40] the world.

[1:20:40] That's true.

[1:20:41] It'll be my

[1:20:41] last live show

[1:20:42] before I have a

[1:20:43] second child and

[1:20:44] are not doing

[1:20:44] live shows for a

[1:20:45] little bit.

[1:20:46] As I do not

[1:20:47] pull a Christian

[1:20:47] Gray and jet

[1:20:48] off when my

[1:20:50] family is growing,

[1:20:51] then I stick

[1:20:51] around.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:53] I feel like

[1:20:53] he's just asking

[1:20:55] for a heartwarming

[1:20:55] moment where

[1:20:56] we're like,

[1:20:57] Elliot, you're

[1:20:57] nothing like

[1:20:58] Christian Gray.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:59] No, I'd be

[1:21:00] just like Hyde

[1:21:01] or Christian Gray

[1:21:02] if I had been

[1:21:03] a kid who was

[1:21:04] in foster care and

[1:21:05] was adopted by a

[1:21:06] rich family or not.

[1:21:06] But look what you've

[1:21:07] made of yourself,

[1:21:08] Elliot.

[1:21:08] No, no, no.

[1:21:09] I'm just, all of us

[1:21:11] are just candles in

[1:21:12] the wind.

[1:21:12] We're just dust in

[1:21:13] the wind too.

[1:21:14] Candle dust.

[1:21:17] Candle dust, 12

[1:21:18] tracks by Elliot.

[1:21:21] I was going to say,

[1:21:21] candle dust sounds

[1:21:22] like a really

[1:21:23] cheapy fantasy

[1:21:24] horror movie.

[1:21:25] Like, have you

[1:21:25] heard the legend

[1:21:26] of Jack Candle

[1:21:27] Dust?

Dan McCoy

[1:21:28] It also doesn't

[1:21:29] make any sense.

[1:21:29] There's no,

[1:21:30] nothing about

[1:21:31] candles creates

[1:21:31] dust.

[1:21:32] No, it's wax.

[1:21:34] We should do

[1:21:36] letters though.

[1:21:36] This first letter

[1:21:37] is from,

[1:21:39] I will have

[1:21:41] a lot of trouble

[1:21:42] saying this

[1:21:43] name.

[1:21:45] I'm going to go

[1:21:46] with Naja,

[1:21:47] last name withheld.

[1:21:48] Okay.

[1:21:50] And it goes like

[1:21:51] this.

[1:21:51] Hey fellas,

[1:21:52] I was working in the

[1:21:53] garage Sunday

[1:21:54] afternoon and was

[1:21:54] also listening to the

[1:21:55] USS Indianapolis

[1:21:56] Men of Courage

[1:21:57] episode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:57] Wait, let me say

[1:21:58] one thing.

[1:21:58] Dan, I appreciate

[1:21:59] that you stood your

[1:22:00] guns, did not

[1:22:00] apologize for

[1:22:01] possibly mispronouncing

[1:22:02] the name, but just

[1:22:03] stated, I'm going to

[1:22:04] have trouble with

[1:22:04] this.

[1:22:05] This is your

[1:22:06] problem, Naja.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:09] So she was

[1:22:10] listening to the

[1:22:10] USS Naptown

[1:22:11] episode.

[1:22:12] Yeah.

[1:22:12] Men of Courage,

[1:22:13] old men talk

[1:22:14] about how much

[1:22:14] they hate sharks.

[1:22:16] I hate them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:18] Sharks, I hate

[1:22:18] them.

[1:22:19] I don't care

[1:22:19] what anybody

[1:22:19] says.

[1:22:21] Who's telling

[1:22:22] you to feel

[1:22:22] better about

[1:22:22] sharks?

[1:22:23] Yeah, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:24] My six-year-old

[1:22:25] daughter thoughtfully

[1:22:26] decided to bring me

[1:22:26] a Capri Sun just

[1:22:27] as Elliot was

[1:22:28] hitting his stride

[1:22:29] with the fan

[1:22:30] favorite,

[1:22:31] wow, I'm

[1:22:31] on Wilson.

[1:22:33] My daughter

[1:22:34] thought this was

[1:22:35] hysterical and

[1:22:35] asked me, Daddy,

[1:22:36] why is this man

[1:22:37] so surprised by

[1:22:37] everything?

[1:22:39] I told her that

[1:22:39] it was none other

[1:22:40] than Lightning

[1:22:40] McQueen acting so

[1:22:41] incredulous and

[1:22:42] she thought that

[1:22:42] was great.

[1:22:44] Later that

[1:22:44] afternoon, her

[1:22:45] five-year-old

[1:22:45] cousin visited

[1:22:46] and brought her

[1:22:46] his collection

[1:22:47] of Pixar's

[1:22:48] Cars toys.

[1:22:50] I couldn't

[1:22:50] have been

[1:22:50] prouder than

[1:22:51] when my daughter

[1:22:52] started driving

[1:22:52] the Lightning

[1:22:53] McQueen car

[1:22:53] around the floor

[1:22:54] saying, wow,

[1:22:55] I'm Lightning

[1:22:55] McQueen,

[1:22:56] wow.

[1:22:59] This totally

[1:23:00] infuriated my

[1:23:01] nephew who kept

[1:23:01] trying to stop

[1:23:02] my daughter from

[1:23:03] quoting this.

[1:23:03] say that.

[1:23:04] Hilarious

[1:23:04] line.

[1:23:05] And we

[1:23:06] was even

[1:23:06] prouder when

[1:23:07] she persisted.

[1:23:08] I've decided

[1:23:09] to try convincing

[1:23:10] her to replace

[1:23:10] Lightning McQueen's

[1:23:11] catchphrase,

[1:23:12] kachow,

[1:23:13] with rawrow,

[1:23:14] purely for my

[1:23:15] own entertainment.

[1:23:16] I can't imagine

[1:23:17] her cousin reacting

[1:23:18] calmly to this

[1:23:19] either.

[1:23:20] What's the worst

[1:23:21] movie misquote

[1:23:21] you've ever been

[1:23:22] bothered by?

[1:23:23] Keep on

[1:23:23] flopping.

[1:23:25] This is a tough

[1:23:26] question.

[1:23:27] I'm not sure

[1:23:27] that I actually

[1:23:27] have a good

[1:23:28] answer to it.

[1:23:28] I like the...

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:29] I think that's

[1:23:30] an adorable

[1:23:31] story and I

[1:23:31] love it.

[1:23:32] And as the

[1:23:33] father of a

[1:23:33] child who also

[1:23:34] loves the

[1:23:34] Cars films and

[1:23:35] is always talking

[1:23:36] about Lightning

[1:23:37] McQueen, as he

[1:23:38] calls him.

[1:23:39] He used to call

[1:23:39] him Lightning

[1:23:40] McQueen, like

[1:23:41] the queen, but

[1:23:41] now he says

[1:23:42] Lightning McQueen.

[1:23:43] My son, he

[1:23:44] speaks very well,

[1:23:45] but he still

[1:23:45] occasionally says

[1:23:45] things like

[1:23:46] ambliance instead

[1:23:47] of ambulance.

[1:23:48] Which in an

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:49] emergency situation,

[1:23:50] that can be

[1:23:51] terrifying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:51] Call me an

[1:23:52] ambulance.

[1:23:53] A what?

[1:23:53] An ambliance?

[1:23:54] Oh, sir, we

[1:23:55] don't have those.

[1:23:55] It's not a

[1:23:56] word.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:58] We have a

[1:24:00] ride array of

[1:24:00] cars we could

[1:24:01] send.

[1:24:03] We have a

[1:24:03] Toyota Camry,

[1:24:04] if sir prefers

[1:24:05] that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:07] I'm glad the

[1:24:07] person knows

[1:24:08] enough that he's

[1:24:09] talking about a

[1:24:10] motor vehicle.

[1:24:11] An ambulance?

[1:24:12] It sounds like

[1:24:12] ambulance, so maybe

[1:24:13] they're related, but

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:14] not the exact same

[1:24:15] thing.

[1:24:16] Instead of assuming

[1:24:16] that's what you

[1:24:17] mean, I'll assume

[1:24:18] it's in the same

[1:24:19] family, but I've

[1:24:19] never heard of it

[1:24:20] before.

[1:24:21] Maybe it's

[1:24:22] European.

[1:24:24] A caterpillar?

[1:24:26] It sounds like

[1:24:26] caterpillar, but

[1:24:27] I'll assume this

[1:24:27] is some new type

[1:24:28] of bug that's

[1:24:29] just been

[1:24:29] discovered by

[1:24:30] you.

[1:24:31] Congratulations,

[1:24:31] little child.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:33] We call them

[1:24:34] Sammies now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:38] So there was

[1:24:39] a, when I used

[1:24:40] to work at

[1:24:40] Suncoast Motion

[1:24:41] Picture Company

[1:24:41] in the Short

[1:24:42] Hills Mall, this

[1:24:43] is a videotaped

[1:24:44] sales store.

[1:24:45] We did not

[1:24:45] rent them, we

[1:24:46] only sold them,

[1:24:47] and we had

[1:24:47] this big book

[1:24:48] where you could

[1:24:49] look up movies

[1:24:50] to see, there

[1:24:51] were all the

[1:24:51] movies I think

[1:24:52] that the store

[1:24:52] carried, and

[1:24:53] there were

[1:24:53] little

[1:24:53] capsule

[1:24:54] descriptions

[1:24:55] written of

[1:24:55] each, so

[1:24:55] if someone

[1:24:55] asked you

[1:24:56] about them

[1:24:56] you'd know

[1:24:57] something about

[1:24:57] them.

[1:24:58] And in

[1:24:59] the description

[1:25:00] for Chinatown,

[1:25:01] a great movie,

[1:25:03] which has, of

[1:25:04] course, the

[1:25:04] incredibly memorable

[1:25:05] final line,

[1:25:06] forget it, Jake,

[1:25:07] it's Chinatown,

[1:25:08] the opening of

[1:25:10] the capsule

[1:25:10] description says,

[1:25:11] it's just

[1:25:12] Chinatown, Jake,

[1:25:13] with these

[1:25:14] words, Roman

[1:25:15] Plansky is

[1:25:16] just like,

[1:25:17] and it was

[1:25:17] like, wait,

[1:25:18] what?

[1:25:19] that's not,

[1:25:20] in quotes,

[1:25:21] and I was

[1:25:21] just like,

[1:25:22] it would make

[1:25:22] me so mad.

[1:25:23] I was like,

[1:25:23] look, you're

[1:25:24] supposed to be

[1:25:24] the authority

[1:25:25] on this.

[1:25:26] And I

[1:25:26] also just love

[1:25:26] that the movie

[1:25:27] just ends with

[1:25:27] somebody shrugging

[1:25:28] their shoulders

[1:25:28] and going,

[1:25:28] it's just

[1:25:29] Chinatown,

[1:25:29] Jake.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:32] Yeah, it's

[1:25:33] so much less

[1:25:34] effectual.

[1:25:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:36] What are you

[1:25:36] going to do?

[1:25:37] It's just

[1:25:37] Chinatown.

[1:25:38] Truly the

[1:25:38] difference between

[1:25:38] the lightning

[1:25:39] and the lightning

[1:25:39] bug.

[1:25:40] Yeah, that's a

[1:25:40] great man once

[1:25:41] said.

[1:25:42] That's a great

[1:25:42] man me right

[1:25:43] now.

[1:25:44] Oh, wow.

[1:25:45] Wow.

[1:25:46] Wow.

[1:25:47] Wow.

[1:25:47] You know,

[1:25:47] Mark Twain?

[1:25:48] Wow.

[1:25:49] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:51] This next letter

[1:25:52] is from Gary

[1:25:54] Unmarried.

[1:25:54] Larson.

[1:25:55] Who writes.

[1:25:56] Gary Larson?

[1:25:57] Really?

[1:25:57] Yeah.

[1:25:58] Dashing Dan,

[1:25:59] Steely Stew,

[1:26:00] and Effervescent

[1:26:00] Elliot.

[1:26:01] Oh, Stan Lee

[1:26:02] wrote this.

[1:26:03] Do you think

[1:26:04] they'll make

[1:26:04] a shitty movie

[1:26:05] about Tetris

[1:26:05] someday?

[1:26:06] Will it be an

[1:26:07] animated film

[1:26:08] watching by the

[1:26:09] dinks that made

[1:26:10] Minions?

[1:26:11] Will Alex Baldwin

[1:26:11] voice the garbage

[1:26:12] square block?

[1:26:13] Will Adam Baldwin

[1:26:14] voice the garbage

[1:26:16] L-shaped block?

[1:26:17] Or will it be

[1:26:17] a hogwash live

[1:26:18] action film about

[1:26:19] some generic ass

[1:26:20] dude played by

[1:26:20] Dax Shepard or

[1:26:22] Josh Gad helping

[1:26:23] the fucking shitty

[1:26:23] ass T-shaped block?

[1:26:25] Probably voiced

[1:26:26] by Nick Kroll.

[1:26:26] Get back together

[1:26:27] with his girlfriend.

[1:26:28] The fucking

[1:26:28] Z-shaped block

[1:26:29] that was probably

[1:26:30] voiced by Tina Fey

[1:26:31] or some shit.

[1:26:32] Hagrid is probably

[1:26:33] going to fucking

[1:26:33] show up to say

[1:26:34] you're a wizard

[1:26:35] T-shaped block.

[1:26:36] He'll probably say

[1:26:37] like an asshole.

[1:26:38] Gary Larson is

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:39] very mad about this.

[1:26:40] Keep it floppy

[1:26:40] Gary Larson

[1:26:41] with a hope.

[1:26:41] I'm going to tell

[1:26:42] you what the

[1:26:42] movie's going to be.

[1:26:43] One, it could be

[1:26:44] just like the

[1:26:44] emoji movie.

[1:26:45] We all have our

[1:26:45] shapes and we

[1:26:46] fit together,

[1:26:46] but my son is a

[1:26:47] new type of shape

[1:26:48] that doesn't fit.

[1:26:49] Here's what it's

[1:26:49] going to be.

[1:26:50] It's going to be

[1:26:50] just like that.

[1:26:51] It's going to

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:51] signal the release

[1:26:53] of Tetris 2,

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:53] the game,

[1:26:54] where they have

[1:26:54] a new shape.

[1:26:55] Yeah, exactly.

[1:26:56] Like when Super

[1:26:56] Mario Bros. 3

[1:26:57] was tied in with

[1:26:58] The Wizard

[1:26:58] starring Fred

[1:26:59] Savage.

[1:27:00] What was the,

[1:27:01] what was that

[1:27:02] movie, was it

[1:27:03] called Chompers

[1:27:04] or Arcade,

[1:27:05] the one with

[1:27:05] Adam Sandler?

[1:27:06] Pixels.

[1:27:07] That's what it's

[1:27:07] going to be.

[1:27:08] Aliens are crushing

[1:27:09] American cities

[1:27:10] with enormous blocks

[1:27:11] and one guy has to

[1:27:12] use his video game

[1:27:13] skills.

[1:27:13] They can't stop

[1:27:14] the blocks,

[1:27:14] but he can

[1:27:15] maneuver them in

[1:27:16] midair as they're

[1:27:16] falling to miss

[1:27:17] the buildings.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:18] It's not going

[1:27:19] to be like

[1:27:19] Dwayne the Rock

[1:27:20] Johnson has to

[1:27:21] jump into blocks

[1:27:22] knocking them

[1:27:22] into shape.

[1:27:24] Oh, maybe.

[1:27:25] Yeah, it could be

[1:27:25] that.

[1:27:25] That's the other

[1:27:26] way to go, too.

[1:27:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:27] All right, so I

[1:27:28] guess, Gary, you

[1:27:30] share screenwriting

[1:27:31] credit with us.

[1:27:32] Well, story by.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:34] We'll leave it up

[1:27:35] to the guild to

[1:27:35] arbitrate that.

[1:27:38] Dan, never give

[1:27:39] away screenwriting

[1:27:40] credit.

[1:27:40] What are you doing?

[1:27:42] We didn't have a

[1:27:42] paper trail.

[1:27:43] Delete that email.

[1:27:44] Delete the

[1:27:44] recording.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:47] As soon as these

[1:27:47] emails get read,

[1:27:48] they get thrown

[1:27:50] into the trash

[1:27:50] with extreme

[1:27:51] pressures.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:52] Wow, you're

[1:27:53] really making

[1:27:54] friends with the

[1:27:55] fans.

[1:27:55] Yeah, and by

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:56] that, it means

[1:27:56] Dan puts on

[1:27:57] sunglasses when

[1:27:58] he does it.

[1:28:00] He's like,

[1:28:01] you're terminated.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:02] Hits the key on

[1:28:03] his Schwarzenegger

[1:28:04] soundboard.

[1:28:07] I feel like,

[1:28:08] so after the

[1:28:09] show last night,

[1:28:09] after the live

[1:28:10] shows, we always

[1:28:11] hang out with

[1:28:12] the fans.

[1:28:13] And I feel like

[1:28:14] Dan used up his

[1:28:15] sociability last

[1:28:16] night, and now he's

[1:28:17] just like, I hate

[1:28:17] the fans.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:18] I don't like their

[1:28:19] names, I don't

[1:28:20] like their letters.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:22] Well, we'll see

[1:28:22] what this, uh, the

[1:28:24] end of this next,

[1:28:24] uh, we'll see what

[1:28:26] the end of this next

[1:28:27] letter will tell you

[1:28:28] why.

[1:28:28] Oh, wow.

[1:28:29] So much

[1:28:29] anticipation.

[1:28:30] No, not really.

[1:28:31] Not really.

[1:28:32] I was just trying to

[1:28:32] find a segue.

[1:28:33] Uh, this one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:35] Maybe a segue that

[1:28:35] has a little fewer

[1:28:36] stakes.

[1:28:37] What would be that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:38] This one's from

[1:28:38] Spencer Less.

[1:28:39] Yeah, just look

[1:28:39] underneath Paul

[1:28:40] Blart, dude.

[1:28:40] You'll find one.

[1:28:41] A stake?

[1:28:42] No, a segue.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:44] I'm sure if you

[1:28:45] looked under Paul

[1:28:45] Blart, you'd find a

[1:28:46] stake, too.

[1:28:48] And yes, that is a

[1:28:49] bad joke, and I

[1:28:50] apologize.

[1:28:52] Spencer Less.

[1:28:52] I'm making fun of

[1:28:53] the character, not

[1:28:54] the performer.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:55] Spencer Less, name

[1:28:56] withheld.

[1:28:56] Gifs.

[1:28:57] Right.

[1:28:58] Spencer S.

[1:28:58] Gifs.

[1:29:00] The S stands for

[1:29:01] Spencer.

[1:29:02] Hey, Flopadoodles.

[1:29:03] First time listener,

[1:29:03] long time writer.

[1:29:05] I currently find

[1:29:05] myself with seven

[1:29:06] weeks left in my

[1:29:07] undergraduate career,

[1:29:08] and facing all the

[1:29:11] anxiety that comes

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:12] with preparing to

Dan McCoy

[1:29:14] enter the real

[1:29:15] world.

[1:29:16] I wonder whether

[1:29:16] I've made the

[1:29:17] right choice in my

[1:29:17] overly vague public

[1:29:19] relations degree.

[1:29:20] I've also wondered

[1:29:21] about the career

[1:29:21] choices of some

[1:29:22] filmmakers.

[1:29:24] Now that's a

[1:29:25] segue, dad.

[1:29:26] For example, if

[1:29:27] Zack Snyder was a

[1:29:28] full-time director

[1:29:29] of photography,

[1:29:30] who frequently

[1:29:30] partnered with a

[1:29:31] director who

[1:29:31] understood good

[1:29:32] storytelling, I

[1:29:33] believe his work as

[1:29:34] a DP would be

[1:29:35] generally more well

[1:29:36] regarded than his

[1:29:37] work as a director.

[1:29:38] What other

[1:29:39] filmmakers do you

[1:29:39] think would flourish

[1:29:40] more in other

[1:29:40] areas of the

[1:29:41] filmmaking process

[1:29:42] than the ones

[1:29:42] they're best known

[1:29:43] for, or ones that

[1:29:44] have tried their

[1:29:45] hands in other

[1:29:45] areas and have

[1:29:46] failed?

[1:29:47] Yours forever

[1:29:48] and Warming

[1:29:48] Boners, Spencer

[1:29:51] P.S.

[1:29:51] I hear the way to

[1:29:52] get a letter on

[1:29:53] the show is to

[1:29:53] butter up Dan.

[1:29:54] Fuck that noise.

[1:29:56] Stu Balls, you're

[1:29:56] my boy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:58] Wow, and I am a

[1:29:59] non-entity.

[1:29:59] I am Stu Balls.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:08] That's the movie

[1:30:09] about an alien

[1:30:10] robot lands to

[1:30:11] Earth and a kid

[1:30:11] finds it and

[1:30:13] nicknames him

[1:30:13] Stu Balls and the

[1:30:14] alien robot doesn't

[1:30:15] like it and then the

[1:30:16] kid gets kidnapped by

[1:30:17] the government or

[1:30:17] something because

[1:30:17] they're trying to get

[1:30:18] the robot.

[1:30:18] The robot, to save

[1:30:19] the kid, bursts

[1:30:20] through the wall and

[1:30:21] goes, I am, they

[1:30:22] go, it's Project

[1:30:23] XQ-47.

[1:30:25] I am not Project

[1:30:26] XQ-47.

[1:30:27] I am Stu Balls.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:29] And then I throw

[1:30:30] the evil executive

[1:30:31] off the building and

[1:30:32] the good executive's

[1:30:33] like, hey, what's

[1:30:33] your name, son?

[1:30:34] And I go, Stu Balls.

[1:30:37] Nice shooting, son.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:37] What's your name?

[1:30:38] Stu Balls.

[1:30:39] Bah, bah, bah, bah,

[1:30:40] bah, bah.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:41] And as the evil

[1:30:41] executive falls to

[1:30:42] his death, his arms

[1:30:43] get really long for

[1:30:44] some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:46] Because, oh, they

[1:30:47] cut out the scene

[1:30:48] where he gets Mr.

[1:30:49] Fantastic Powers.

[1:30:51] Yeah, that's right.

[1:30:52] He's trying to

[1:30:53] stretch his arms back

[1:30:53] up to the window to

[1:30:54] catch it.

[1:30:55] Yeah.

[1:30:55] They're like, uh,

[1:30:56] Verhoeven, this one

[1:30:57] scene where he gets

[1:30:59] superpowers, it doesn't

[1:31:00] really seem to fit with

[1:31:01] the rest of the movie.

[1:31:02] Otherwise, the movie is

[1:31:02] brilliant.

[1:31:03] It's such a tightly

[1:31:03] constructed piece of

[1:31:04] work.

[1:31:05] Ah, but the scene

[1:31:06] at the end of

[1:31:06] Unfuck, we've

[1:31:07] already done the

[1:31:08] arm-lengthening

[1:31:09] special effects.

[1:31:10] No one will notice.

[1:31:11] Fast forward to

[1:31:12] Dan 30 years

[1:31:13] later.

[1:31:15] Dear Paul, can I

[1:31:17] call you Paul?

[1:31:17] Sorry, that was

[1:31:18] presumptuous of me.

[1:31:19] Mr. Verhoeven, what's

[1:31:20] the deal with this one

[1:31:21] scene?

[1:31:21] And he gets the

[1:31:22] letter while he's

[1:31:23] like making a

[1:31:23] documentary about

[1:31:24] Jesus or something.

[1:31:25] And he opens up

[1:31:26] and he goes, all of

[1:31:27] my mistakes have

[1:31:28] come back to haunt

[1:31:28] me.

[1:31:29] The sins of the

[1:31:30] past are repaid

[1:31:31] upon the father

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:31] as on the son.

[1:31:33] And then he puts

[1:31:33] sunglasses on and

[1:31:34] throws it in the

[1:31:35] fire.

[1:31:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:37] He says, you're

[1:31:38] terminated.

[1:31:39] It's the sound

[1:31:40] for a key.

[1:31:42] I don't know why

[1:31:43] I did that since I

[1:31:44] pretty much sound

[1:31:44] like him anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:45] So to clarify

[1:31:48] what this letter

[1:31:48] is asking.

[1:31:49] What was the

[1:31:49] question again?

[1:31:51] Is he asking

[1:31:52] what filmmakers

[1:31:54] would do better

[1:31:55] in different roles?

[1:31:57] I think it,

[1:31:59] since I'm kind

[1:32:00] of vague on

[1:32:00] exactly every

[1:32:01] element of input

[1:32:03] that a director

[1:32:03] has, I would

[1:32:04] probably, can I

[1:32:05] clarify this

[1:32:06] question to more

[1:32:06] of a, what

[1:32:08] director has, what

[1:32:09] are some good

[1:32:10] things about

[1:32:10] directors that I

[1:32:11] don't like?

[1:32:12] That's a way to

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:12] put a positive

[1:32:12] spin on it, yeah.

[1:32:13] Because I was

[1:32:13] going to go the

[1:32:14] way he asked.

[1:32:15] And that would

[1:32:16] have been

[1:32:16] negative.

[1:32:17] Yeah, I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:18] I feel like, I

[1:32:19] don't know,

[1:32:20] there's, I feel

[1:32:22] like there's

[1:32:23] certain things

[1:32:23] that Wes

[1:32:24] Anderson does

[1:32:25] really well.

[1:32:26] He obviously

[1:32:26] puts a lot of

[1:32:27] care into his

[1:32:27] movies.

[1:32:28] There's a lot

[1:32:28] of, they're

[1:32:30] designed very

[1:32:30] well, but I

[1:32:31] find his

[1:32:32] stories usually

[1:32:32] very emotionally

[1:32:33] distant and

[1:32:34] not something

[1:32:35] that I can

[1:32:36] connect with.

[1:32:37] So, maybe, maybe

[1:32:40] that sort of

[1:32:41] thing?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:42] I mean, I

[1:32:43] think that's

[1:32:43] more sense of

[1:32:44] him having a

[1:32:44] taste that's not

[1:32:45] your taste, but

[1:32:46] I think he does

[1:32:47] fall on the same

[1:32:49] tropes a lot, which

[1:32:50] is frustrating.

[1:32:51] Like, I like his

[1:32:52] movies a lot, but I

[1:32:52] did not see Island of

[1:32:53] Dogs, partly because

[1:32:54] in the trailer, there's

[1:32:55] that scene where the

[1:32:56] woman goes, the girl

[1:32:57] character goes, I

[1:32:58] think I have a crush

[1:32:58] on him.

[1:32:59] And it's like, no,

[1:33:00] I'm tired of that.

[1:33:01] Like, I've seen that

[1:33:02] same relationship in

[1:33:03] your movies multiple

[1:33:04] times now.

[1:33:05] And like, in

[1:33:06] Moonrise Kingdom, I

[1:33:07] loved it, but I

[1:33:07] can't see it over and

[1:33:08] over again in every

[1:33:09] movie.

[1:33:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:09] I've often thought

[1:33:10] that setting aside a

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:12] couple movies, like

[1:33:13] Ed Wood, which is

[1:33:13] fantastic, Tim Burton

[1:33:15] would have been better

[1:33:16] off as like an art

[1:33:16] director, necessarily,

[1:33:18] than as a director.

[1:33:19] Because he doesn't,

[1:33:20] his movies, yeah,

[1:33:21] they're not super

[1:33:22] strong on story, they

[1:33:23] almost always look

[1:33:23] amazing, and like,

[1:33:25] it feels like he has

[1:33:27] such a personal style,

[1:33:29] but movies are not

[1:33:31] even necessarily like

[1:33:32] the right form for it,

[1:33:34] in a way, because

[1:33:35] they're so story-based.

[1:33:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:36] On a similar note, I

[1:33:38] think that probably

[1:33:39] Barry Sonnenfeld

[1:33:40] should have stayed a

[1:33:41] cinematographer rather

[1:33:42] than becoming a

[1:33:42] director.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:43] You say that in the

[1:33:44] face of the two

[1:33:44] Addams Family movies?

[1:33:47] Movies I enjoy.

[1:33:48] Yeah.

[1:33:49] Movies I enjoy.

[1:33:50] And I also think,

[1:33:51] and this is going to

[1:33:52] sound weird, that I

[1:33:53] think Noah Baumbach

[1:33:54] should not write his

[1:33:56] movies.

[1:33:56] I think he gets

[1:33:57] really good performances

[1:33:58] out of actors, he

[1:33:59] does a serviceable job

[1:34:00] of shooting things,

[1:34:01] everything looks

[1:34:02] fine, but like, I

[1:34:04] watched, like,

[1:34:05] watching, like,

[1:34:06] Meyerowitz stories,

[1:34:07] and watching a bunch

[1:34:09] of his other ones

[1:34:09] recently, and I was

[1:34:10] like, oh, like,

[1:34:13] these are not like,

[1:34:14] these are movies kind

[1:34:14] of in search of a

[1:34:15] plot in a lot of

[1:34:16] ways, and the

[1:34:18] character development,

[1:34:19] even for a guy who

[1:34:20] has strong characters

[1:34:20] in his movies, it's

[1:34:21] like, so much rests

[1:34:22] on the performances,

[1:34:23] like, the squid and

[1:34:24] the whale I'm not a

[1:34:24] huge fan of, and I

[1:34:25] feel like without

[1:34:26] those performances,

[1:34:27] that movie doesn't

[1:34:27] work, you know?

[1:34:28] So it's like, maybe

[1:34:29] you should just

[1:34:30] direct someone else's

[1:34:31] scripts, maybe like a

[1:34:32] Marvel movie.

[1:34:33] Noah Baumbach.

[1:34:36] Movies known for

[1:34:37] having amazing scripts.

[1:34:38] And he, but the

[1:34:39] thing is, he writes

[1:34:39] good dialogue, so

[1:34:40] here's what you do.

[1:34:42] You take someone

[1:34:42] else's screenplay, you

[1:34:44] punch up the dialogue,

[1:34:45] which a lot of

[1:34:45] directors do anyway,

[1:34:46] and then you just

[1:34:46] direct it that way.

[1:34:47] How about that,

[1:34:48] Noah?

[1:34:48] I mean, that movie

[1:34:49] Noah was a big,

[1:34:50] real departure for

[1:34:51] him, I know, because

[1:34:52] he didn't make it.

[1:34:54] Sure.

[1:34:54] Yeah, the biggest

Dan McCoy

[1:34:56] departure that one

[1:34:58] can have.

[1:34:59] Is not doing it,

[1:35:00] yeah.

[1:35:00] Not doing the

[1:35:00] thing.

[1:35:02] Yeah, so those

[1:35:03] are some letters

[1:35:04] that we answered.

[1:35:06] Okay, Dan, put on

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:07] your sunglasses and

[1:35:08] throw them in the

[1:35:08] fire.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:09] You're terminated.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:11] Awesome.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:13] Now what do we

[1:35:14] do on this podcast?

[1:35:15] Our last segment on

[1:35:15] the podcast is always

[1:35:16] to recommend

[1:35:17] something that we

[1:35:19] like, that maybe

[1:35:21] you should watch

[1:35:21] before watching the

[1:35:23] movie that we

[1:35:24] have cursed

[1:35:25] ourselves to

[1:35:26] have to watch

[1:35:26] due to the

[1:35:27] format of our

[1:35:28] show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:29] So I'm going to

[1:35:30] jump in here to

[1:35:31] make sure Dan

[1:35:32] doesn't steal this

[1:35:33] recommendation.

[1:35:34] I haven't seen a

[1:35:35] ton of movies

[1:35:35] lately, but I

[1:35:36] went and saw

[1:35:37] Han Solo the

[1:35:38] movie recently.

[1:35:39] It's not the

[1:35:40] title.

[1:35:41] Han Solo the

[1:35:42] movie, a movie

[1:35:43] about Star Wars,

[1:35:44] the subtitle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:45] A movie about

[1:35:46] Star Wars?

[1:35:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:48] I mean,

[1:35:49] technically.

[1:35:50] It's about a

[1:35:51] Star Wars, I guess.

[1:35:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:52] Somebody check

[1:35:53] the rulebook.

[1:35:54] I'll allow it.

[1:35:56] The great

[1:35:56] Dana Spogan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:59] So, yeah, I

[1:36:00] mean, it's like I

[1:36:01] love Star Wars.

[1:36:02] I love, you

[1:36:03] know, even the

[1:36:04] bad ones I'm

[1:36:05] going to be at

[1:36:05] least somewhat

[1:36:06] affectionate toward.

[1:36:07] But I thought

[1:36:08] this managed to

[1:36:09] be a fun little

[1:36:10] heist movie.

[1:36:12] The performances

[1:36:13] are pretty great.

[1:36:16] There's some set

[1:36:17] pieces that are

[1:36:18] real standouts.

[1:36:19] There's at least

[1:36:19] one set piece on

[1:36:20] a train that for

[1:36:21] me is an all-time

[1:36:23] great Star Wars

[1:36:23] set piece.

[1:36:25] And it's fun to

[1:36:26] see actors like

[1:36:27] Woody Harrelson

[1:36:28] just kind of slip

[1:36:29] right into the

[1:36:29] Star Wars universe.

[1:36:31] And at the same

[1:36:31] time, the movie

[1:36:32] kind of has its

[1:36:33] own, like, it's

[1:36:34] clearly set in

[1:36:35] Star Wars, but it

[1:36:36] also uses its own

[1:36:38] film language.

[1:36:38] It feels different

[1:36:40] than the rest.

[1:36:41] So, yeah.

[1:36:42] If you are

[1:36:43] putting off seeing

[1:36:44] it because maybe

[1:36:45] you had heard

[1:36:46] bad things about

[1:36:47] the production,

[1:36:47] I would say give

[1:36:48] it a shot.

[1:36:48] You'll be

[1:36:49] pleasantly surprised.

[1:36:51] I would like to

Dan McCoy

[1:36:55] recommend a movie

[1:36:55] that I was certain

[1:36:57] I had recommended

[1:36:58] or someone had

[1:36:59] recommended before.

[1:37:00] I went on Flophouse

[1:37:00] recommends.

[1:37:01] Stop making sense.

[1:37:03] It claims that it

[1:37:04] has never been

[1:37:04] recommended.

[1:37:07] It seems like it

[1:37:08] would have been

[1:37:09] recommended when we

[1:37:09] talked about one of

[1:37:10] the previous Fifty Shades

[1:37:11] movie, but I'm going

[1:37:12] to go for

[1:37:12] Secretary.

[1:37:13] Exit to Eden.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:13] Oh.

[1:37:14] I would never

[1:37:15] recommend Secretary.

[1:37:15] Yeah, apparently.

[1:37:16] Yeah, that makes

[1:37:17] sense.

[1:37:18] It wasn't like a new

[1:37:19] movie.

[1:37:20] No, I know.

[1:37:21] It's not so old

[1:37:21] that it's like a

[1:37:22] rediscovery.

[1:37:23] Sure.

[1:37:23] Now's the time for

[1:37:24] America to fall back

[1:37:25] in love again with

Dan McCoy

[1:37:26] But if you're going

[1:37:27] to watch a movie

[1:37:27] about a dominant

[1:37:29] submissive relationship,

[1:37:30] why not watch one

[1:37:31] that's good, and

[1:37:32] that's called

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:34] I mean, Secretary

[1:37:35] has the exact same

[1:37:37] character arc as

[1:37:38] all three Fifty Shades

[1:37:38] movies, but in one

[1:37:39] movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:40] Yeah.

[1:37:41] Well, I mean, but

[1:37:42] also, I feel like

[1:37:44] Secretary doesn't

[1:37:45] vilify the sex

[1:37:46] necessarily, but it

[1:37:47] does show how the

[1:37:50] male is doing

[1:37:51] things wrong and

[1:37:52] corrects that.

[1:37:54] I mean, he's doing

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:56] things wrong and

[1:37:56] corrects himself.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:57] Yeah, he corrects

[1:37:57] his controlling

[1:38:00] behavior.

[1:38:02] But it's also

[1:38:02] genuinely sexy in a

[1:38:04] way that none of the

[1:38:04] Fifty Shades movies

[1:38:05] are.

[1:38:07] And it's got great

[1:38:08] performances by Maggie

[1:38:09] Gyllenhaal and James

[1:38:10] Spader.

[1:38:10] It was Maggie

[1:38:10] Gyllenhaal's

[1:38:11] breakout role.

[1:38:12] Yeah.

[1:38:12] So why don't...

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:13] James Spader's

[1:38:14] breakout role.

[1:38:15] Run off and watch

[1:38:16] New hot young

[1:38:17] talent, James

[1:38:18] Spader.

[1:38:19] I'm going to

[1:38:21] recommend a very

[1:38:22] different movie.

[1:38:23] It's an old movie.

[1:38:24] Hey, guys.

[1:38:25] I'm going to

[1:38:25] recommend a movie

[1:38:26] called Come and

[1:38:27] Get It, which is

[1:38:28] the...

[1:38:29] It's spelled C-U-M.

[1:38:30] No.

[1:38:31] Gross.

[1:38:31] Anyway, it's an

[1:38:33] all-star movie all

[1:38:34] around.

[1:38:34] It was directed by...

[1:38:35] It's credited to

[1:38:36] being directed by

[1:38:36] Howard Hawks and

[1:38:37] William Wyler, which

[1:38:38] is crazy.

[1:38:39] And it was shot by

[1:38:40] Greg Toland.

[1:38:41] And this is at a

[1:38:42] period where it's

[1:38:43] kind of a minor movie

[1:38:44] for all those guys.

[1:38:44] It's before Greg Toland

[1:38:46] really got into the

[1:38:48] style we think of him

[1:38:49] with, like,

[1:38:49] Citizen Kane and...

[1:38:50] I was thinking Greg

[1:38:51] Allman.

[1:38:52] That would have been

[1:38:52] crazy.

[1:38:53] Yeah, Greg Allman.

[1:38:54] It stars Edward

[1:38:55] Arnold and Joel

[1:38:56] McCrea, or Joel

[1:38:57] McCray, however it's

[1:38:57] pronounced, and

[1:38:58] Francis Farmer and

[1:38:59] Walter Brennan.

[1:39:00] And Walter Brennan

[1:39:00] won Best Supporting

[1:39:01] Actor for it.

[1:39:02] And it's the story of a

[1:39:03] lumber baron.

[1:39:04] He's a former

[1:39:05] lumberjack, Edward

[1:39:06] Arnold, who

[1:39:06] becomes a lumber

[1:39:07] baron.

[1:39:07] and instead of

[1:39:09] marrying the woman

[1:39:10] that he loves, who

[1:39:11] is a dance hall

[1:39:12] singer, he marries a

[1:39:14] rich girl so that he

[1:39:15] can join her father's

[1:39:16] business and regrets

[1:39:18] it for the rest of his

[1:39:18] life and finds himself

[1:39:20] eventually at a point

[1:39:21] where he has a crush

[1:39:23] on that woman's

[1:39:24] daughter at the same

[1:39:25] time that she's

[1:39:26] falling for his son.

[1:39:26] So it's an old

[1:39:27] fashioned family love

[1:39:28] triangle saga, but

[1:39:30] everyone's really good

[1:39:31] in it.

[1:39:31] The one problem is

[1:39:32] that Edward Arnold

[1:39:33] plays himself as both

[1:39:34] a young man and

[1:39:35] like a middle-aged

[1:39:37] man.

[1:39:37] And it's like, he

[1:39:38] never looks like a

[1:39:38] young man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:39] It's like Bob

[1:39:40] Odenkirk on Better

[1:39:41] Call Saul.

[1:39:42] Kind of, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:43] Except not as

[1:39:44] believable.

[1:39:46] But it's just a

[1:39:47] really good, like,

[1:39:50] historical drama of

[1:39:52] people on the

[1:39:55] frontier and then

[1:39:55] dealing with

[1:39:56] being successful

[1:40:00] out in the wild

[1:40:00] and then dealing

[1:40:01] with that success

[1:40:02] later as a man

[1:40:02] who's supposed to

[1:40:03] be respectable but

[1:40:04] now wants to have

[1:40:05] the things that

[1:40:05] he's denied himself

[1:40:06] in the past.

[1:40:07] And I just

[1:40:07] really liked a lot.

[1:40:08] It's called

[1:40:08] Come and Get It.

[1:40:09] And the title

[1:40:10] comes from the

[1:40:10] idea of calling

[1:40:12] lumberjacks into

[1:40:13] lunch or dinner.

[1:40:14] You would ring a

[1:40:15] bell and say,

[1:40:15] come and get it.

[1:40:16] And it's kind of

[1:40:16] like, that takes

[1:40:19] on a larger

[1:40:20] meaning.

[1:40:20] But it's kind of a

[1:40:22] silly title for a

[1:40:22] movie that's not a

[1:40:23] silly movie.

[1:40:24] Although you do

[1:40:24] have Walter

[1:40:25] Brennan doing this

[1:40:26] kind of Swede

[1:40:27] accent that you used

[1:40:28] to see in movies

[1:40:29] all the time in the

[1:40:30] 30s.

[1:40:30] There was always

[1:40:31] like a lovable,

[1:40:32] goofy Swedish guy

[1:40:33] who'd be like,

[1:40:33] oh well,

[1:40:33] by you many

[1:40:34] old.

[1:40:34] And that's

[1:40:35] something that has

[1:40:36] completely evaporated

[1:40:37] from movie screens.

[1:40:39] It's very funny.

[1:40:40] Swedish people have

[1:40:41] assimilated into the

[1:40:42] culture.

[1:40:43] I know, but it's like,

[1:40:43] I mean, but.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:44] Yeah, if you watch

[1:40:45] one of those movies

[1:40:45] now, it just

[1:40:46] disappears.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:47] They're just like,

[1:40:48] hey guys.

[1:40:49] But it's just like,

[1:40:50] it's a funny,

[1:40:51] it's funny when like

[1:40:52] there's an ethnic

[1:40:53] stereotype that just

[1:40:54] doesn't, you don't

[1:40:55] see it anymore,

[1:40:56] you know.

[1:40:56] But at the time it

[1:40:57] was like, oh yeah,

[1:40:57] the famous goofy

[1:40:58] Swede.

[1:40:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:00] All right, guys.

[1:41:01] Well, we should sign

[1:41:01] off so Stuart's

[1:41:03] wife can stop

[1:41:03] tiptoeing around

[1:41:05] her own hotel room

[1:41:06] while we're talking

[1:41:07] like idiots.

[1:41:09] Speak for

[1:41:10] yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:11] Brandishing a

[1:41:11] rolling bin

[1:41:12] menacingly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:15] So she ever take

[1:41:16] those curlers out of

[1:41:16] her hair?

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:17] No, I mean,

[1:41:19] gee, that was the

[1:41:20] secret to getting

[1:41:20] curly hair is wear

[1:41:21] curlers for 40

[1:41:23] years.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:24] And they're curly

[1:41:25] for a day.

[1:41:26] Yeah.

[1:41:27] And the secret to

[1:41:28] Curly's gold is,

[1:41:29] I guess it's a map

[1:41:30] written on the back

[1:41:30] of a thing.

[1:41:31] Never found out.

[1:41:32] It was too sad.

[1:41:33] Yeah.

[1:41:34] Only legends remain.

[1:41:35] And I'm going to

[1:41:36] apologize ahead of

[1:41:36] time for the

[1:41:37] retrograde jokes about

[1:41:38] the angry wife that

[1:41:40] we were just making.

[1:41:41] Guys, there's a thin

[1:41:42] line between ironic

[1:41:43] stuff like that and

[1:41:44] real stuff like that.

[1:41:45] Yeah.

[1:41:46] A thin line between

[1:41:46] love and hate.

[1:41:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:47] We were just

[1:41:48] imagining that we're

[1:41:49] referencing the

[1:41:50] Lockhorns.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:51] Oh, yeah.

[1:41:51] Or, I mean,

[1:41:52] Indy Cap.

[1:41:53] It was really more

[1:41:53] Indy Cap.

[1:41:54] The Lockhorns would

[1:41:55] be more of like,

[1:41:55] she can't drive and

[1:41:56] he's always ogling

[1:41:57] Gio Mateo.

[1:42:00] Well, now that Gio Mateo

[1:42:02] has swept the nation

[1:42:03] once again.

[1:42:04] Oh, no.

[1:42:04] Wait.

[1:42:05] Here's what I want to

[1:42:05] see Hollywood.

[1:42:06] And then we'll go.

[1:42:07] I want to see a

[1:42:07] Lockhorns movie.

[1:42:08] And at the very end,

[1:42:09] we learn that the

[1:42:10] Lockhorns changed

[1:42:11] their names at some

[1:42:12] point.

[1:42:12] And their original

[1:42:12] names were Christian

[1:42:14] and Anna Gray.

[1:42:15] Uh-oh.

[1:42:16] Just like Split,

[1:42:17] spoiler alert,

[1:42:18] was an unbreakable

[1:42:19] sequel.

[1:42:20] It turns out that

[1:42:21] Fifty Shades

[1:42:23] Freed is a prequel

[1:42:24] to the Lockhorns

[1:42:25] movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:25] Oh, man.

[1:42:26] Here we go again.

[1:42:28] Time makes Lockhorns

[1:42:29] of us all.

[1:42:29] Yep.

[1:42:31] Well, for the Flophouse,

[1:42:32] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:42:33] Hey, I'm Stuart

[1:42:34] Wellington.

[1:42:34] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:42:36] Good night, everyone.

[1:42:45] Uh, I guess we do

[1:42:46] the intro and then

[1:42:47] we do the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:48] Oh, is that how

[1:42:48] we do this?

[1:42:49] Really?

[1:42:49] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:51] What do you want?

[1:42:52] You're the one who

[1:42:52] usually forgets.

[1:42:53] Balls in your court.

[1:42:55] Go for it.

[1:42:56] Do we have any

[1:42:57] Jumbotrons or ads

[1:42:58] or anything to do?

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:59] Oh, Dan's going to

[1:43:00] have to do it

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:01] for like questions.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:02] He's going to have

[1:43:02] to do some

[1:43:03] classic fan solo

[1:43:04] ad reads.

[1:43:05] People love those.

[1:43:07] Oh, this is the point

[1:43:09] where Stuart or

[1:43:10] Ellie would make

[1:43:11] fun of me.

[1:43:16] MaximumFun.org

[1:43:17] Comedy and culture.

[1:43:19] Artist owned.

[1:43:20] Listener supported.

Ep. #259 - Fifty Shades Freed

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