Ep.#260 - Brain Smasher... A Love Story

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Brain Smasher, a love story.

[0:05] The sequel to Hand Warmer, a glove story.

Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[1:59] Where I live, where April also lives.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02] That's great.

[2:03] And this episode's coming out tomorrow, then?

Dan McCoy

[2:05] It's coming out way late, actually.

[2:08] We've got one in the pipeline before this, so it's going to come out at the end of this month.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Well, I'll mention that April is an actual, real, live film critic who actually knows what she's talking about with movies.

[2:20] And not like a bunch of us's just kind of yammering on about whatever.

[2:27] And you may know her from such other MaxFun podcasts as the Who Shot Ya podcast or Switchblade Sisters, which are both great, and you should go listen to them now.

[2:35] But listen to this first, then go, oh boy, guys, I almost sabotaged our episode.

Stuart Wellington

[2:40] So, April, have you been brought on almost like the Adjustment Bureau to come on and correct all the errors we've made with Matt Damon and whatnot?

S4

[2:49] Yeah, that's exactly it.

[2:51] What's the tagline for that movie?

[2:53] Your life got adjusted.

[2:54] Your life got adjusted.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] I thought the tagline was, don't trust a guy wearing a hat.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] Yeah, and April is wearing a magic fedora right now.

[3:04] That allows her entry into, what, the adjusting world?

[3:07] Like, what was, did anyone see?

[3:08] I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[3:10] Yeah, I think it's that.

[3:11] I did see it, and I've forgotten everything about it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:14] It's kind of like that special world in the real Ghostbusters cartoon that the Boogeyman lives in, which is connected by, like, what, closets or under beds?

[3:22] Okay.

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:25] I think that's the whole story.

[3:26] I just imagine.

Dan McCoy

[3:28] I thought the Adjustment Bureau was just, like, a bunch of people in fedoras who, like, rotated your tires or something.

[3:33] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[3:34] Yep.

[3:34] It's a guy who comes in and fixes all your bureaus and drawers.

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] Like, oh, this drawer is a little sticky.

[3:42] It's sticking a little bit.

[3:44] Let's call in this guy.

[3:45] And he comes in with his magic fedora and, what, kind of, like, waves his hand a little bit and it fixes?

[3:51] Are they angels or something?

[3:53] What is?

[3:54] So the movie we watched is the Adjustment Bureau, right?

[3:56] I guess.

S4

[3:57] I was like, wait, was I supposed to watch that?

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] I mean, I think everyone was supposed to watch it, but I don't think everyone did.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] I think the producers of the Adjustment Bureau would have preferred, yeah, if everybody had watched it.

[4:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:11] But, no, we did not watch that.

[4:12] And this podcast is a bad movie podcast.

Dan McCoy

[4:15] Yeah.

[4:15] Not, yeah, not in a, not, that Adjustment Bureau certainly doesn't fall into that rubric.

Elliott Kalan

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:21] We're not here to talk about American classics.

[4:23] We're here to talk about, what, Dan?

[4:25] What do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[4:26] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[4:30] And because we have a special guest in Miss April Wolf, she chose the movie that we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[4:39] The what?

[4:39] Dan, were you about to say, what were you about to say?

[4:42] The podcast that we watched?

[4:42] Okay, that's what I thought you were going to say, yeah.

[4:45] I was like, either Dan's about to say the pot roast that we watched, which doesn't make sense,

[4:51] or he's going to say the podcast because over the years he's had trouble telling the difference

Dan McCoy

[4:55] in the words that he uses between movies and podcasts.

[4:58] Elliot, a watched pot roast never boils.

Elliott Kalan

[5:01] Wait, so it never boils?

[5:02] Wow, you just crushed that jet.

[5:07] Dan, I think you'll find that even if you don't watch a pot roast, it's probably not going to go bowling.

Dan McCoy

[5:12] All right, so we watched a guest selection, in this case, Brain Smasher, A Love Story.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] From 1993, I think.

[5:25] Now April.

[5:26] Or as I call it Jurassic Park Year Zero.

[5:29] Yeah.

[5:30] April, why did you choose this movie?

S4

[5:34] I love this movie.

[5:36] Okay.

[5:38] But it doesn't work at all, but it somehow still works.

[5:43] There's a running joke about ninjas that isn't funny, but then suddenly doesn't get, well, it gets slightly funnier.

[5:52] I don't, there's, everything is wrong with this.

[5:55] Terry Hatcher, Andrew Dice Clay in a romance.

[5:58] And I'm going to say it in a popular opinion, but I think Andrew Dice Clay is a really great actor.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] He's great in Blue Jasmine.

[6:05] Yeah, I know.

[6:07] I agree with that.

[6:08] He successfully played the part of a stand-up comedian people enjoyed for more years than I would have expected him to.

S4

[6:15] Yeah, and he played a really great Brain Smasher.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] Yeah, he was of all the Brain Smashers in cinema history.

[6:21] He's the best.

[6:23] So, Dan, probably people are like, if they haven't seen the movie, they're like, what could this movie be about if it's called Brain Smasher, a love story?

[6:30] It's exactly the kind of questions that Albert Pune wanted them to ask.

[6:35] You say...

[6:35] He made the movie.

Dan McCoy

[6:37] You say, if they haven't seen this movie, I think that's a pretty good bet.

[6:41] I think it was a direct-to-video release.

[6:43] This movie did not have a theatrical release.

Stuart Wellington

[6:46] Dan's pulling up IMDb and IMDb says, movie not listed.

[6:50] I don't think it even had a...

Dan McCoy

[6:52] I don't even think it had a DVD release.

Elliott Kalan

[6:55] Not in America.

[6:56] It was released...

[6:56] Not in America.

[6:57] I think it was either Wikipedia or IMDb that one of the trivia things was it had a theatrical release in, like, Brazil.

[7:04] Yeah.

[7:04] Like, that's the one place, I think, where it was shown in a theater.

Dan McCoy

[7:07] I do believe it was on HBO a lot when we were young.

[7:11] Yes.

[7:11] I think I remember that being the case.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] I feel like I remember hearing ads on Comedy Central for it.

[7:19] That's possible, right?

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:20] It could have been on Comedy Central.

[7:21] Well, I mean, it's hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[7:23] It's, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] It's the funniest movie.

[7:27] I mean, Dan, Comedy Central has shown plenty of movies that were not the funniest movie.

[7:31] Like, Stewardess School and Ninja Academy were on constant rotation.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] A little film called Cannibal Women and the Avocado Jungle of Death.

[7:42] Oh, you mean Comedy Central filler, the movie?

Elliott Kalan

[7:44] Yeah.

[7:47] Okay, guys.

[7:48] Let's talk about what happens in Brain Smasher, A Love Story, okay?

[7:51] Uh-huh.

[7:52] Sure.

[7:52] Okay.

[7:53] Yeah.

[7:53] Okay, the movie opens.

Stuart Wellington

[7:54] The first YouTube opens.

[7:57] And you click, yes, I want to pay for this movie.

[7:59] It's serious.

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] No, this is not a mistake.

[8:03] YouTube has a number of dialogue boxes that come up being like, really?

[8:07] Rain Smasher?

Stuart Wellington

[8:08] Are you sure you're not a cat walking across the keyboard?

Elliott Kalan

[8:13] It's like, I'm going to make you put in three different credit cards to prove that you're an adult human.

S4

[8:18] I did have to put my credit card in three times.

[8:20] Oh, really?

[8:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] It worked very easily for me.

[8:23] And then Candyman showed up.

[8:27] With all this stuff he had bought using your card.

Stuart Wellington

[8:31] Wow, that's horrifying.

[8:33] It's mainly beekeeping equipment.

[8:35] This is American Express.

Elliott Kalan

[8:39] We see a lot of charges for beekeeping equipment and sharp objects and candy on your card.

[8:45] And you don't usually buy that.

[8:46] Is that?

[8:46] And then...

[8:47] Oh, no, no.

[8:47] I do usually buy that.

[8:48] Oh, okay.

[8:48] Never mind.

[8:49] There's no...

[8:49] They say, April, you haven't bought any beekeeping equipment this month.

[8:53] Is everything okay?

[8:56] So, guys, the movie starts not even in media res.

[8:59] It starts with Andrew Dice Clay on a payphone.

[9:02] And he's calling someone.

[9:03] He's like, you've got to hear this story.

[9:05] What happened to me last night?

[9:06] But nobody he's talking to on the phone wants to hear it.

[9:08] So he turns to the camera and says, hey, I'll tell you my story.

[9:14] And it's one of the stranger openings of a movie.

Dan McCoy

[9:17] Not a framing...

[9:18] Like, spoiler alert.

[9:19] Not a framing device that comes back at the end of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] No.

[9:22] At the end, you're left with the credits.

[9:24] And you're like, wait, so is he just telling me the credits?

Stuart Wellington

[9:27] Wait, there's in a post-credits sequence where he's, like, walking up to the payphone

[9:31] and you're like, here we go again.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] I mean, that would be great if it just...

[9:39] You finally see who he's talking to and it's like a small child or like a baby in a carriage.

[9:44] So what do you think?

[9:44] Crazy story, right?

[9:46] He announced...

[9:47] He...

[9:48] The Stuart Wellington School of Character Development.

[9:50] He just says to the camera, hi, I'm Ed Molloy.

[9:53] They call me the Brain Smasher.

Stuart Wellington

[9:56] See, Elliot, I was schooled by watching a lot of Saturday Night Live impressions.

Dan McCoy

[10:03] Where they just announced who they were at the beginning.

[10:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] Yeah.

[10:07] But before we get to Ed Molloy's story, first, he's going to tell us about a supermodel,

[10:12] Samantha, played by Terry Hatcher.

[10:14] And there's...

[10:15] She is doing a swimsuit shoot and everyone is surprised that she can read when she takes

[10:19] out a book to read in the makeup chair.

Stuart Wellington

[10:20] This is pre-Lois and Clark Terry Hatcher.

[10:24] This is pretty early Terry Hatcher.

[10:25] Her star was about to rocket into outer space.

[10:27] Wait, wait.

Dan McCoy

[10:28] Because that's what happened with stars.

Stuart Wellington

[10:31] She was coming hot off of Tango and Cash where she played drums at some kind of strange nightclub.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] Mm-hmm.

[10:37] While wearing pants as a stripper.

[10:40] And she is not yet in...

Stuart Wellington

[10:41] I thought she was just a live drumming performer who rides a motorcycle on stage.

[10:46] I mean, that's enough of an act.

Elliott Kalan

[10:48] You're right.

[10:48] I guess the stripping would just complicate that.

[10:50] She has to drink too?

[10:51] Yeah, that's asking too much.

[10:52] She's just a double threat.

[10:53] Motorcycles and drums.

[10:56] And this is pre-soap dish for all you hatch heads out there.

[11:00] For you hatchbacks.

[11:01] That's what Terry Hatcher fans are called.

[11:03] Hatchbacks.

Stuart Wellington

[11:03] This is post-Adventures of Ford Fairlane for all you dice people.

[11:10] Yeah.

[11:11] They're called play faces.

Dan McCoy

[11:14] I want to take a moment to give a shout out to the writer-director of this film who also is the director of Dollman, Alien from L.A., and Cyborg.

[11:24] And Dollman shows up in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:26] Not as himself.

[11:27] Yeah, Tim Thomas.

[11:28] Yeah.

[11:29] Wait, he doesn't show up as Dollman or the actor Tim Thomas.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] I was wrong on both counts.

[11:36] But there's this great scene we'll get to later on where there's a bunch of cops interrogating them.

[11:41] And one of them is Dollman.

[11:43] One of them is, what's his name?

[11:44] Brian James?

[11:45] Brian James from Tangling Cash and Blade Runner.

[11:47] One of them is Charlie Rocket from SNL.

[11:51] Like, it's, I don't know, it's like this weird, they're like, we got, the filmmaker's like, I'm going to call all my friends in for like one day.

Dan McCoy

[11:59] Just for this part.

[12:00] It was whoever was walking by the studio at the time.

S4

[12:04] I would totally do this.

[12:05] I would, if I were those people, I would totally do this movie with Alfred Dunn because he is an amazing writer, director, and knows exactly what he wants.

[12:15] He said that this movie turned out the most like what he wanted out of any movie that he ever made.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] Even more than Radioactive Dreams, which is a crazy movie.

[12:24] Or Kickboxer.

[12:25] Or Kickboxer, yeah.

S4

[12:25] Yeah, more than that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:26] So, because Radioactive Dreams is a movie I saw years ago about these two, it's after the nuclear war, but punk rock still exists, thankfully.

[12:34] And these two brothers were raised on a diet of Humphrey Bogart movies.

[12:38] Now they've got to go out into the nuclear wasteland wilderness as a couple of gum-chewing gum shoes.

[12:44] And I don't remember any of the plot except that the movie ends with them being like, all right, guys, hit it.

[12:49] And they do this weird dance after having an adventure.

Stuart Wellington

[12:52] That sounds amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] It's a really fun movie.

[12:55] It's super dumb.

Stuart Wellington

[12:56] It's like the Takeshi Kitano Zatoichi movie.

[13:00] Oh, but that's great when they all have that dance at the end.

[13:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] Yeah.

[13:04] So anyway, so Terry Hatcher's a model.

[13:07] A rich guy wants to marry her.

[13:08] He gives her a $10,000 watch.

[13:10] But she says, I don't want watches.

[13:11] I want love.

[13:13] And meanwhile, her sister sends her a package from London that she's supposed to – no, she's in London.

[13:18] The sister sends her a package from Tibet?

[13:21] Paris, somewhere, that she's supposed to bring to Portland, Oregon.

[13:24] Portland?

[13:25] That's where Ed the Brain Smasher lives.

S4

[13:28] Oregon.

[13:33] As in that movie, Oregon.

Stuart Wellington

[13:35] I would say Oregon.

[13:36] So it's meant to be a goof that it's like very Brooklyn-y, Bronx-y, but it's set in Oregon.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] I assume that they were – it's weird because when – there's a port where Ed Molloy, Indra Dice Clay, goes back to his parents.

[13:51] And they're the most like tri-state Italian Portland family.

[13:57] And I don't know if it's supposed to be an overt joke or if it's just like we need to get two people who could conceivably be – like Indra Dice Clay is not going to do a Pacific Northwest accent.

[14:08] Like we just got to build the world around him, you know.

[14:12] But it's all shot – or almost all of it is shot in Portland.

[14:15] Like they're just –

[14:15] Yeah, no.

Stuart Wellington

[14:17] I assume they just had tax breaks for Portland and they're like, uh – yeah, Indra Dice Clay is your classic Portlander.

[14:24] Can you go on the Brain Smasher A Love Story tour in Portland, Oregon?

[14:31] Oh, I hope so.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] They can be – like this is the – you're walking now past the theater marquee where a benefit performance of Malcolm X was clearly shown in the background of Brain Smasher A Love Story.

[14:45] No one's taking pictures of it and things like that.

S4

[14:47] No joke, though, my husband on our first date when we were just dating, he took me to that strip club for a drink.

[14:56] What?

[14:56] And when I saw that movie, I was like, holy shit, I've been here.

Stuart Wellington

[15:02] And then he winked at you.

[15:04] I knew all along.

S4

[15:07] Yeah, he knew he was taking me on the Brain Smasher tour and I had no idea.

[15:11] That's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:12] That's a long con.

[15:13] Yeah.

[15:14] That's like when my wife and I took a trip to Paris right after we got married and then we saw Midnight in Paris and Woody Allen went to all the same places we went and we were like, was Woody Allen following us on our vacation?

Stuart Wellington

[15:26] Elliot, I think I know what you actually said.

[15:28] You said, wow.

Elliott Kalan

[15:30] I said, wow, Ernest Hemingway, wow.

[15:38] I have my son saying that now.

[15:39] It's really funny.

[15:40] Okay, so Samantha, she goes to Portland and she finds her sister, but her sister has been captured by this.

[15:46] It's a sect of masked Shaolin monks who are wearing all like fedoras and trench coats like they're Dick Tracy villains.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] Are you sure they're not ninjas?

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] This is something that gets brought up.

[15:57] As April mentioned, every, I think, other scene, someone goes like, oh, it's a bunch of ninjas.

[16:03] And they go, we're not ninjas.

[16:04] And later on, someone goes, oh, you speak in Chinese.

[16:07] They can't be ninjas.

[16:08] But I did some of my sleuthing and I found that the leader of this group is an American of Japanese descent.

[16:14] So he's making it confusing for people just by being there.

[16:19] Sure.

[16:19] But this joke about –

Dan McCoy

[16:20] It's an extra textual joke, Elliot.

[16:22] It's a Japanese man playing a Chinese man who's denying that he's Japanese.

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] Oh, you're right.

[16:28] There's a lot going on there.

[16:29] That's very complicated.

[16:30] This joke, it's like it gets introduced once, then it comes up again.

[16:36] And by the last scene, it's like every other line of dialogue is someone calling them ninjas and then denying it.

[16:42] And then someone – Terry Hatcher's like, if I say you're ninjas, then you're ninjas.

[16:46] And then two lines later, her sister goes, if my sister says you're ninjas, then you're ninjas.

[16:50] It's like, do they think we missed it the first 40 times they told this joke?

Stuart Wellington

[16:56] Yeah, you've become unstuck from the movie and now you exist in a realm where things are only ninjas or not ninjas.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] I mean, we live in that realm, to be honest.

[17:06] That is a way of classifying the universe.

Stuart Wellington

[17:08] I mean, that's basically the entire Mortal Kombat role.

[17:11] Yeah, that's right.

[17:12] Ninjas or not ninjas.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] We exist in a binary universe where zero equals ninjas and one equals non-ninjas.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] Yeah.

[17:22] You can – everything can be decided by that.

[17:24] You look at any object.

[17:25] It could be a ninja or not a ninja, you know?

[17:27] Mm-hmm.

[17:29] Even – so – but here's a question.

[17:31] The movie Three Ninjas, would that count as a ninja?

[17:35] Would it count as three ninjas or would it not count as a ninja because it's a movie?

Stuart Wellington

[17:40] Or because it's multiples?

[17:41] Like, I don't – don't worry about it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:44] Anyway, so they're monks but they're basically a crime gang and they want this – they want the mystical red lotus flower because if you eat it, you get ultimate power.

[17:54] It's the key to ultimate power and it's basically like an infinity gauntlet type thing but in the form of a flower.

[18:00] But –

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] It sounds a lot like heroin to me.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] What if it was like – they're just like, we want that flower.

[18:09] It's the ultimate high.

[18:10] You hallucinate that you're the king of the world and then you die.

[18:13] It's amazing.

[18:15] But that – Dan, would you give them the flower then?

Dan McCoy

[18:18] If it was just a drug?

[18:20] Yeah.

[18:21] I mean like why am I keeping it then?

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] Yeah, that's why they call Dan the candy man.

[18:24] Yeah.

[18:25] Well, it's not because if you call his name three times, he shows up?

[18:28] No.

Dan McCoy

[18:29] No, I mean no, you call me once and I'm going to show up.

[18:31] I'm a lonely man, Elliot.

[18:33] Like, oh, someone wants me?

[18:35] Someone's interested in me?

[18:36] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] So Samantha, she didn't bring the lotus with her because she figures they're going to kill her if she has it on her.

[18:45] She leads the monks on a merry chase through the very wet streets of Portland until she reaches the club where Ed, brain smasher, Malloy is the bouncer.

[18:54] And we see he beats up a gang of thugs who try to push their way in and this guy waiting in line goes, now that's why they call him the brain smasher.

[19:03] And then he laughs and laughs and laughs.

[19:08] The movie is like we better – the term brain smasher can be taken any number of ways.

[19:14] So we got to show him hitting someone in the head and then it being identified as that is the titular brain smashing because otherwise who knows what they might think it is.

Stuart Wellington

[19:22] I mean because if that guy didn't say it, we would have to wait until Andrew Dice Clay turns around and reveals that he's wearing a jacket that says brain smasher on the back.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] Now, do you think like when Drive came out and guys suddenly started wearing those like Japanese jackets like he wears in Drive, like Ryan Gosling wears, do you think guys were just walking around wearing jackets that said brain smasher on the back?

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] Yeah, Dan.

[19:46] You were alive back in 1993.

[19:47] Do you remember that?

Dan McCoy

[19:48] I mean we're not that far off in age, Stuart.

[19:54] I don't know why I'm the one who has to –

Elliott Kalan

[19:56] Yeah, but Stuart's kind of a boyish type and Dan, you have kind of like an old man thing going.

[20:00] So do you remember when the brain smashing craze hit and everybody was wearing brain smasher jackets?

Dan McCoy

[20:05] Yeah, and the brain smasher dance swept the nation.

[20:08] Yeah, yeah, the brain smash.

S4

[20:10] There is actually a brain smasher dance though.

[20:12] That's the –

[20:12] There is?

[20:14] There is.

[20:14] Did you see the choreography when they went into the concert?

[20:17] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[20:18] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[20:18] It's all choreographed.

[20:19] It's like a weird –

[20:20] It's a lot of jumping.

[20:21] Line dancing.

Elliott Kalan

[20:22] Yeah, yeah.

[20:23] Oh, okay.

[20:23] That's a good point.

[20:24] We'll get to that.

[20:24] I won't bother wasting time on my joke that brain smasher could have been taken as an oblique reference to the pan galactic gargle blaster.

[20:31] We don't have time for that kind of reference.

[20:32] Let's just keep moving because she runs into the club unstopped by Ed Malloy.

[20:37] His bouncer abilities seem to be worthless on her.

[20:40] She just pushes past easily.

[20:41] And, yeah, she ends up in the club where there's like this choreographed jumping dance, and it's a little bit like line dancing, a little bit like Native American jingle dancing.

[20:50] You guys are familiar with that?

[20:52] There's a lot of jumping in it.

[20:53] You know I am.

[20:54] Oh, yeah.

[20:55] Big fan.

[20:56] So good.

[20:56] It's good stuff.

[20:57] And they're dancing to some fairly dour rock music sung by a woman with a very low voice.

[21:04] Like who's that song that's in Royal Tenenbaums about how the woman goes out walking?

[21:09] She doesn't do much talking.

[21:10] Yeah.

[21:10] It's like that but deeper.

[21:12] And it's like I was like is this person doing like a Marlena Dietrich impression?

[21:18] But like if she was a rock singer?

[21:19] Anyway, I found it very confusing.

[21:21] And then she sings a song on the soundtrack later, and I thought it was a man singing until the song was listed in the credits.

[21:26] So that's me.

Stuart Wellington

[21:27] I have certain gender assumptions that are not okay.

[21:30] Let's do it.

[21:30] This is the kind of club that vampire Chris Sarandon would go to in the Fright Night movie.

[21:35] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] Yes.

[21:36] Yeah.

[21:38] It feels like somebody went – they saw – they went to the club in the beginning of The Hunger where Bauhaus is performing, and they're like this is a cool club.

[21:48] We're going to take this New York style, and we're going to bring it to Portland.

[21:51] And when they got to Portland, they did not have the talent on hand that Bauhaus was providing in a major city.

S4

[21:56] They also forgot the cages.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] Yeah, and the cages.

S4

[21:59] They forgot the chain link fences and the cages, and they're like, eh, we don't need it anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[22:02] Like it's Portland.

[22:03] Things are just a little bit like more bespoke here.

[22:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:06] We don't have to do that.

[22:07] And having those cages and fences might have protected them from what's to come, but we'll get to that in a second.

[22:12] Yeah.

[22:13] Yeah.

[22:13] Because –

Dan McCoy

[22:14] Well, I like that the brain smasher seems totally fine with Terry Hatcher pushing his way past him.

[22:21] Pushing his way past, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] Sorry.

[22:24] Pushing her way past him.

Dan McCoy

[22:26] The guy – the other bouncer comes out and is like, hey, you punched out these two guys.

[22:32] And he's like, yeah, this lady got past me.

[22:36] And the guy's like, a lady got past the brain smasher?

[22:39] And suddenly Dice Clay is like, you know what?

[22:43] My ego won't allow this to stand.

[22:45] I have to go find Terry Hatcher.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] Yeah.

[22:47] And the assumption is also – so the implication is like, oh, so he regularly smashes the brains of ladies?

[22:52] Yeah.

[22:55] And it's a good thing he runs in after because the Lotus Monks storm the club.

[22:59] They remind everyone they're not ninjas again because they're going to keep doing that.

[23:03] They start beating up the band for some reason.

[23:06] I don't really understand.

[23:07] Like nobody is – these ninjas could have just walked into the room.

[23:11] No problem.

[23:12] But they just start beating people up and then jump onto the stage and start hitting the band.

S4

[23:16] Look, there's that one part, like the first woman that like turns around and she's like, hey, ninja, dance.

[23:22] And then he just quacks her right in the face.

[23:25] Like there's no – it's just like a split second.

[23:27] Oh, that scene is so weird.

[23:28] Yeah.

[23:28] It loves me.

[23:29] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[23:30] That was when that was okay.

[23:32] You could do that in a movie and still be a likable villain.

[23:35] No, it's a – yeah, it's – I don't – these –

[23:37] These guys, maybe they're not ninjas, but maybe they should be because they – I mean I don't want to take the samurai side of things because that was clearly a feudal system that was not fair to those at the bottom who often defended themselves by joining secret organizations where they had to hide in the shadows.

Stuart Wellington

[23:55] I'm just glad that you're taking a big stand here.

Elliott Kalan

[23:59] But – so I'm not saying I'm pro-samurai on this.

[24:02] But samurai looked down on ninjas as scum who hid in the shadows and had no honor.

[24:07] And these Shaolin monks supposedly, they have no honor.

[24:10] Maybe they are ninjas anyway, deep in their hearts.

[24:13] Okay.

[24:14] So Andrew Dice Clay catches up with Samantha, Terry Hatcher, and they – he kind of escorts her away, helps her get out.

[24:22] There's some very disjointed banter that's like an attempt at, I guess, like a bogey-bacall type thing where they're kind of like insolent with each other.

[24:31] But instead it just like – it reminded me a little bit of the scene in Mintrian Candidate where Janet Leigh hits on Frank Sinatra.

[24:37] And it's like they took four different conversations and jangled up all the lines and just threw them out randomly.

[24:43] It doesn't make any sense.

S4

[24:45] I think he's just like negging her.

[24:47] I guess, yeah, that's true.

[24:48] It's just like the pickup artist who like wrote the dialogue for him.

Elliott Kalan

[24:53] Interesting.

[24:54] I did see Mystery did have a story by credit.

[24:58] Yeah.

[25:01] Anyway, in my notes I've written here, the not ninjas joke is getting old.

[25:07] I had no idea that it would return so many times.

[25:10] And so Samantha hires Brain Smasher to protect her.

[25:14] She doesn't have enough money on her, so she gives him the fancy $10,000 watch, thus beginning the next running joke of the movie, which is this watch being brought up and people going,

[25:24] what kind of idiot pays $10,000 for a watch?

[25:27] And there's a lot of that throughout the film.

[25:28] And we never really get to see this watch.

[25:31] And I found myself being like, I want to see what kind of watch costs $10,000.

[25:34] Like, that's crazy.

[25:35] Does it have a calculator in it?

[25:39] Yeah, that's right.

[25:40] Like, Dan, what would have anything in a watch if you could write boobs on it?

Dan McCoy

[25:44] You can write boobs on it if you turn it upside down.

Elliott Kalan

[25:48] Yeah, so how are you going to turn it upside down?

[25:50] It's strapped to your wrist.

[25:51] Nice going, Brainiac.

[25:52] Nice going, Brainiac.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] What would I have in a $10,000 watch?

Stuart Wellington

[25:56] It would obviously have an image of Garfield, but the arms are Bart Simpson's arms, so it's like a fuck-up.

[26:05] It's like a mirror print.

Dan McCoy

[26:08] Yeah, it's like the stamp with the plane upside down.

Elliott Kalan

[26:14] I love the idea that there are all those character watches of, like, Garfield or Mickey Mouse, these characters who don't really care what time it is.

[26:21] So how can you really trust them to tell you what the proper time – like, I don't think Garfield knows what time of day it is.

[26:26] He's a cat.

[26:27] He doesn't care.

[26:28] Garfield cares if it's a Monday.

[26:30] He cares about the day of the week, sure.

[26:31] But my wristwatch isn't going to tell me that.

S4

[26:33] Now you're living in a science fiction world.

[26:35] It's just like binary.

[26:36] Monday, not Monday.

[26:37] Monday, not Monday.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] His whole calendar is just Monday or not Monday.

Stuart Wellington

[26:42] But I think the joy of getting a watch that has Garfield or some other character stuck in it is that it feels like they've been imprisoned and forced to tell you the right time for all of eternity.

Elliott Kalan

[26:52] Oh, yeah, by some kind of wizard spell?

[26:54] Sure.

[26:56] Take that.

[26:57] This is the karma for sending Nermal to Abu Dhabi.

[27:01] Where she had to be a migrant worker who was killed in a construction accident.

[27:05] No, that's Dubai.

[27:06] I'm sorry.

[27:06] I'm thinking of Dubai.

[27:07] I'm sorry.

[27:07] Oh, dear.

[27:08] Oh, boy.

[27:10] I'll issue a formal apology on Twitter tomorrow.

[27:12] So it's – and so –

[27:14] Before the episode is released.

[27:18] You got to get in front of it, dude.

[27:19] I got to get in front of it.

[27:20] Got to cut it off.

[27:21] I'll be like David Letterman.

[27:23] The stuff he did, that wouldn't fly today, but he admitted to it years ago.

[27:26] Everyone's like, oh, what a national treasure with his big old Santa Claus beard and all that stuff.

[27:30] Anyway, so the monks start walking, and they walk everywhere.

[27:36] They're always kind of doing that kind of rush walk that people who have to get to the subway pretty fast, but they don't want to look stupid or uncool.

[27:45] So they just kind of walk like super fast.

[27:47] They do that everywhere.

[27:48] And Eddie takes this time to explain his origin to Terry Hatcher, which is that as a teen, he was at a club, and someone hit him with a bottle because there was no bouncer.

[27:57] And ever since then, he's devoted himself to bouncing.

[28:01] That was great.

[28:03] Because they felt the need.

[28:04] They had to explain why he does this.

[28:06] It's so sweet.

S4

[28:07] It's what?

[28:07] It's so sweet.

[28:08] Oh, yeah.

[28:09] It makes a lot of sense.

Elliott Kalan

[28:10] It's really, it's like one of those things where I can see why he was haunted by it for years and went to bouncer school and devoted himself to it.

[28:19] And he takes it.

Stuart Wellington

[28:20] And the scar on the bridge of his nose is about as noticeable.

[28:25] I mean, it's like how Deadpool is super nervous that he's too gross for Marina Baccarin to love him when you're like, you look fine.

[28:33] Like, I don't notice the scar.

[28:35] That's fine.

[28:35] You don't have to, it's not that big of a deal.

[28:37] You don't need to be a bouncer for that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] Well, it's like later he gets beat up and Terry Hatcher is like, oh, you look terrible.

[28:43] And all they did was like put a little bit of dirt on the side of his face.

[28:47] It was like, she has very high standards.

[28:50] They go to, Eddie's got to get the keys to his car.

[28:53] So instead of going to his apartment, he goes to his parents' place.

[28:55] His mom, of course, is played by Jerry Seinfeld's mom on Seinfeld.

[28:59] And shows she has range.

[29:00] She can play a Jewish mom or an Italian mom.

[29:03] That's a lot of range.

[29:05] Eddie asks his dad for $20.

[29:07] He's already, this is love interest material.

[29:10] He keeps his, he's at his parents' apartment.

[29:13] He has no money on him.

[29:14] He's a bouncer named Brain Smasher with a label jacket that explains who he is that he clearly

[29:19] made himself.

Dan McCoy

[29:21] He keeps his car registration on top of the fridge too, apparently.

[29:25] Which is the weirdest thing to me.

[29:26] Yeah, not in his car.

Dan McCoy

[29:27] Why not just keep it in your glove compartment, dude?

[29:30] Maybe it's a Portland thing.

[29:31] I don't know.

[29:34] It's just like, he's taking it out every time being like, all right, if someone steals

[29:38] my car, they're going to get screwed if the cops stop them.

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] The monks, they leave.

[29:49] And the monks show up and tell the parents that they're psychiatrists who are after this

[29:53] crazy woman, Samantha, who's telling a crazy story.

[29:56] And they're like, oh no, our son is in danger.

[29:58] Well, you should go to his apartment.

[30:00] It's over a place called the Lotus Cafe or something like that.

[30:03] Because every business in Portland seems to have the word lotus in the name in this movie.

[30:07] And Portland is the city of roses, right?

[30:09] Not lotuses.

Dan McCoy

[30:11] Yeah.

[30:13] As far as I know, that's the city of strip clubs.

[30:15] That's what I've been told.

[30:16] Well, that too.

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] That's also why it's funny when later when they go to a strip club, the one you're talking

[30:20] about, it's clearly just a regular bar where they have one woman there.

S4

[30:23] Yeah, it's like one woman in a tiny, tiny stage where mostly...

Elliott Kalan

[30:28] Yeah, it's like the stripping alcove in a lot of arcade games.

Stuart Wellington

[30:32] And I learned a lot about their forced cover policy.

[30:36] Yeah.

[30:37] Their forced minimum policy.

S4

[30:39] I was really happy when Nice Clay was just like, hey, you do what you got to do.

[30:44] He was just like, hey, I got to charge you, the minimum.

[30:47] And he was just so polite.

[30:49] I mean, he knows the bouncer's code.

Elliott Kalan

[30:51] And as his mom says, he's never broke a law in his life.

[30:53] Yeah.

[30:54] Even though we've seen him smash brains.

[30:57] Oh, yeah.

[30:58] That's not breaking a law.

[31:00] The police are like, oh, he smashed that brain in the line of duty.

[31:04] We find him not guilty.

[31:07] There's, this is a moment to tell you guys about the funniest thing I saw one time in

[31:11] Portland, which was, as Dan, you mentioned, has a lot of strip clubs there.

[31:14] There was a strip club that was called like Pussycats or something like that.

[31:17] And then across the street was an animal hospital.

[31:20] And I kept imagining some situation where a dancer slips and breaks her leg and they're

[31:25] like, look, let's just take her across the street.

[31:27] There was a situation once where I met someone who had been a stripper in Portland.

[31:37] And I mentioned it to them and they did not find it particularly funny.

[31:39] But, you know, who knows?

[31:41] Some people found this ninja joke super funny.

[31:43] Who knows?

[31:43] Anyway.

[31:44] I thought it was great.

[31:45] Oh, thanks.

[31:46] They go to Ed's apartment so that they can use the bathroom.

[31:50] And he teaches her his fighting technique, which he's called the one, he calls the one

[31:54] two, which is just you punch a guy in the balls and then you give him an uppercut to

[31:57] the chin.

Stuart Wellington

[31:58] So do we learn that he has been looking at a calendar with a picture of her on it surreptitiously?

[32:06] Like, because at one point he's looking at the calendar and then he like hides that and

[32:10] she mentioned she was in it.

[32:12] So are we to believe that he has like, he has a crush on her already?

S4

[32:16] Yes.

[32:16] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[32:17] And he's nagging her.

[32:18] He's like, you know, maybe he'll, maybe he'll look at it someday in December, you know?

[32:23] It's not.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] Because he's, look guys, he's, he's a brain smasher.

[32:28] He doesn't know anything about the heart.

[32:29] The brain is the organ he's used to.

[32:31] He's not heart smashing out here.

[32:33] No, he's found, Samantha has smashed his heart and he doesn't know how to deal with

[32:36] it.

[32:37] Guess what happens?

[32:38] The monks show up and attack because this is the...

[32:42] Pattern of the movie is Samantha and brain smasher go somewhere.

[32:46] Monks attack.

[32:47] They run away.

[32:48] Samantha and brain smasher go somewhere else.

[32:50] Monks attack.

[32:50] They run away.

Stuart Wellington

[32:51] Is this where, this is where the monks climb the walls of the building?

[32:55] Yes.

[32:55] And they're climbing outside the window in the rain.

[32:58] And you can very clearly see that one of those monks has a support wire to keep the stunt

[33:03] performer from falling off the, from falling off the ledge.

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:07] Unless we're supposed to believe that the monks are using support wires this whole time.

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] Oh, that would make sense.

[33:11] Yeah.

[33:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:12] But there's a, I will say there's a lot of really good, like running up walls and flips

[33:17] in this movie at a time when like, it was exciting to see a movie where it's like, oh, these,

[33:23] this guy knows Hong Kong movies at a time when like, I don't know, not a lot of American

[33:27] movies were doing Hong Kong movie stuff.

[33:29] So it's like brain smasher is full of like, and there's a lot of these long takes of people

[33:34] walking through hallways, like a lot of those, like, um, hard boiled long takes type things where

[33:40] it's like, oh, like, oh, this, this movie is, is bringing all this stuff in that I guess

[33:45] was only available in American direct video movies probably.

Stuart Wellington

[33:47] Well, it, it felt a little bit like, it felt a little bit like somebody saw golden child and

[33:53] wanted it to be funnier with a less exciting star.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] Whoa.

[33:59] Whoa.

[33:59] What are you saying about Andrew Dye's play?

[34:01] I'm sorry.

[34:02] I said it was funnier.

[34:04] You can't, but it, it doesn't have the best part of golden child that dancing Pepsi can.

[34:11] Uh, yeah, I mean, that's, or the grossest.

[34:15] Go on.

[34:16] The grossest what?

[34:17] I got to find out what that was.

Dan McCoy

[34:18] The grossest part of golden child where he, uh, dips into that oat bale and there's blood

[34:23] underneath it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:24] You mean that's delicious.

[34:25] Is that blood or, I thought it was like strawberry juice.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] Oh, Stuart.

[34:30] You sweet, naive child.

[34:32] Yeah, Stuart, you shouldn't have had seconds.

[34:34] April, what were you going to say?

S4

[34:36] I think most people don't know that, uh, Alfred, um, Pian actually studied with, um, Mifune

[34:42] and, um, uh, Akira Kurosawa.

[34:45] Really?

[34:46] Yeah.

[34:46] I'm not even joking.

[34:46] He had an internship when he was in Hawaii.

[34:49] He got, um, uh, a letter from Mifune to come and be on whatever his next projects were.

[34:55] And he was, uh, like a shadow director on all of them.

[34:58] Really?

[34:59] Yeah.

[34:59] Oh, I didn't know that.

[35:00] Yeah.

[35:00] So he learned from like the people who were actually making movies in, in Asia at that

[35:05] time.

[35:06] And you can see some of that expertise.

[35:08] Like as much as I love just throwing tons of shade onto this, you know, this guy actually

[35:14] knows what he's doing.

[35:15] Like he's like, he's directing.

[35:17] It's not that bad.

[35:18] It's pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] He does that thing where the camera is placed a little bit closer than you would place it

[35:25] to a person's face in an American movie.

[35:26] Yes.

[35:27] But not so close that it's an extreme closeup.

[35:29] Like in, uh, the, in the movie possession, they do a lot of that where it's like the camera

[35:33] is just a little bit closer to someone's face.

[35:35] And I love that.

[35:35] Like there's a lot of just like, you're just like slightly closer than you would be normally,

[35:40] but it's not up someone's nose or anything like that.

[35:43] So it's an exciting way to frame dialogue guys.

Stuart Wellington

[35:47] And you mentioned the, like the ominous walking down hallways scenes.

[35:51] And that's like, that totally still works.

[35:53] Like for no, there's nothing in the story that would make me nervous, but like watching

[35:58] in the movie, I'm like, Oh wow, this is pretty tense.

[36:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:01] And there's nothing should make you nervous because the monks attack brain smasher beats

[36:05] them up pretty easily.

[36:07] Uh, they bust into the apartment next door, which is brain smashes landlord and old lady.

[36:12] Uh, she, she's attacked by the red masked monk who's particularly feral.

[36:16] There's always in bad guys in movies, there's always the lead bad guy who is the smooth,

[36:20] cool guy.

[36:21] He's always got his Lieutenant who's a little more rabid and angrier than he is.

[36:25] And in this case, it's the red masked guy.

[36:27] Uh, and she, she like tries to give him the old one too, but it doesn't affect him.

[36:32] And the old lady has the immortal line.

[36:34] This guy's got no nuts, which is the flip side of the immortal line.

[36:38] Wolfman's got nards from monster squad.

[36:40] Yeah.

[36:42] So that's another binary right there.

[36:43] Ninja, not ninja.

[36:45] No nuts got nards.

[36:47] This is.

Dan McCoy

[36:49] Yeah.

[36:50] I remember that old, uh, that old advertising campaign got nards.

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] They were, that was from the, what the, the testicle farmers council.

[37:02] Did that?

Dan McCoy

[37:04] It was weird.

[37:05] They also advertised that as the other white meat, which I didn't, I was not behind that.

[37:10] Too far, Dan.

[37:12] Too far.

Elliott Kalan

[37:13] Too far.

[37:15] All right.

[37:15] I'm sorry.

[37:16] You maybe shouldn't talk for a few minutes.

[37:19] Whereas it's also known, Dan, in the second half of an episode.

[37:22] Oh!

Dan McCoy

[37:23] Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

[37:25] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[37:26] Stick of organ, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[37:29] That's not true.

[37:30] I read letters.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] That's true.

[37:33] Good point.

[37:34] Good point.

[37:35] Oh, wow.

[37:35] Touché.

[37:36] He grabbed himself up on that one.

[37:37] Oh, fireballs back and forth.

[37:40] There's a lot of monks leaping around hallways.

[37:42] The cops arrive, and they arrest Eddie.

[37:44] And he gets questioned by Brian James and Tim Thomerson.

[37:48] And that was super exciting to see Dollman slash Jack Death.

[37:53] And what's his name?

[37:55] What's the character?

[37:55] What's his name in Blade Runner?

[37:57] Brian James' character?

[37:59] He's the one who says, wake up, time to die.

[38:01] Right?

[38:02] Yep.

[38:03] I don't remember.

[38:05] I can't remember.

[38:05] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[38:06] And he's the guy who speaks with the hilarious fake, what, British accent?

[38:10] In Tangling Cash.

[38:11] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:11] He's got that terrible English accent.

[38:12] And they stick a grenade down his pants to get him to talk?

[38:16] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[38:17] No.

[38:18] Anyway.

[38:18] I think the grenade blows up and kills him when they stick it down his pants.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] Oh, well, I guess I watched.

[38:25] In my head, I was playing the TV edit, I guess.

[38:30] But they're interrogating Eddie.

[38:33] They think Samantha's involved in drug smuggling.

[38:35] And that this red lotus is actually drugs.

[38:38] And they're trying to get him to flip on.

Dan McCoy

[38:41] And they're super aggressive about it, too.

[38:46] Oh, yeah.

[38:46] They threaten him with punching.

[38:49] Yeah.

[38:50] They're like, this is drugs.

[38:51] This is drugs.

[38:52] Stop pretending it's ninjas.

[38:54] It's drugs.

[38:54] And they have all these eyewitnesses.

[38:58] They're like, oh, a bunch of ninjas came by.

[39:00] And they're like, what's with the drugs?

[39:02] Tell me about the drugs.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] It's weird.

[39:06] It is pretty weird.

[39:07] But, of course, the monks invade the police station.

[39:11] And I guess this was their version of the police station scene from Terminator, probably.

[39:16] Oh, yeah.

[39:16] Yeah, yeah.

[39:17] It's exactly like that.

[39:18] Yeah.

[39:18] But instead, it's monks.

[39:20] And they cut the phone lines.

[39:22] And they're beating up people all throughout the station while they're still doing the interrogating.

[39:26] And it's like, at some point, they've got to hear all this fighting that's going on in the other parts of the police station.

[39:32] Guess what?

[39:33] Eddie and Samantha escape.

[39:34] Samantha very briefly has a cramp in her neck.

[39:36] And Eddie rubs it for a moment.

[39:40] It's such a – and what's great about this is there's three things that are great about this.

[39:44] One is that this is He-Man geography where in the He-Man cartoon, he would often pick up a bad guy, throw them off camera, and then they were just gone.

[39:52] That was it.

[39:52] Not a problem anymore.

[39:54] So, like, Eddie and Samantha are running from the monks.

[39:56] They turn a corner in the hallway, and they're like, oh, phew.

[40:00] Hey, my neck has a cramp.

[40:01] Can you rub it?

[40:02] It's like you're still in the same building.

[40:05] And number two, it's just – Samantha delivers it as if it is totally made up anyway.

[40:12] And then Eddie, he starts to, like, fake come on to her, I guess.

[40:18] Yeah, fake being a creep.

[40:19] Like, kind of fake in order to get her to move.

[40:22] But it's also one of those things where he's like, uh, I'm going to pretend that I'm flirting with you.

[40:26] But, like, maybe you're into it.

[40:28] Like, there's so much gross stuff going on in it.

[40:30] But it comes out of nowhere.

[40:31] It's like –

Stuart Wellington

[40:32] Yeah, maybe me and my stepsister – even though you're my stepsister, wouldn't it be weird if we made out or something?

[40:38] Yeah, exactly.

[40:39] That sort of thing?

Elliott Kalan

[40:40] But it's like in this movie –

Stuart Wellington

[40:41] I'm writing a movie, guys.

[40:43] I was just throwing you some test dialogue.

[40:45] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[40:46] Yeah, yeah.

[40:46] I'm writing a movie.

Dan McCoy

[40:47] It's three minutes and 50 seconds long.

[40:50] You can find it online.

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] And it's just in – well, it's – and it's a preview for a longer movie.

[40:56] Exactly.

[40:59] So the – oh, but it's in this movie where there's, like, these kung fu monks that are chasing after a guy named Brain Smasher.

[41:06] The thing that seemed the craziest to me was that she would suddenly stop in a hallway and go, oh, I got a cramp in my neck.

[41:11] Can you rub it for me?

[41:12] It's just – it's super forced.

[41:15] We learn that the lead monk can catch bullets in his hands, which – and he throws it back so hard that it goes right through a cop's forehead and kills him.

[41:25] And that was –

[41:25] That's so cool.

[41:25] It's a great moment.

[41:26] It was like – one of those moments where I was like, wait, what?

[41:29] Like –

Dan McCoy

[41:30] You're like, oh, the power of Andrew Dice Clay is – suddenly seems so weak in comparison to these monks.

Elliott Kalan

[41:40] But it's also how come he keeps beating them up all the time.

[41:43] Yeah.

[41:43] I don't want to pull back the curtain too much, but Dan and Stuart and I are doing a show soon where we watch a different movie where someone catches a bullet and throws it back at another person.

[41:52] This was a major Hollywood release with big stars in it, and it looks so goofy and bad in this version of the movie.

[41:59] But in Brain Smasher, it's a pretty fun thing.

[42:00] Like, even though the bullet wound is clearly just like a circle, like a very sharply defined circle of probably like caro syrup blood on his forehead.

[42:12] Oh, yeah.

[42:13] It's a – anyway, Samantha and Eddie escape.

[42:15] But Eddie is like, oh, no.

[42:16] I'm running out of juice.

[42:17] I don't think I can fight this.

[42:18] They can catch bullets.

[42:19] This is amazing.

[42:20] And she's like, the bullet catches an easy trick.

[42:22] It's blanks in the gun, and then there's – he's already got a bullet in his glove.

[42:26] And he's like, don't ruin the trick for me.

[42:28] When I watch The Prestige, I don't want to know how they do it.

[42:32] He's outmatched.

[42:33] And Samantha's like, I can't believe that you're talking about quitting.

[42:35] And this is one of those things where I was watching the movie, and I'm like, they've only known each other for like 20 minutes of real time.

[42:42] But she's already like, you, the Brain Smasher?

[42:45] You're going to quit?

[42:46] This is crazy.

[42:48] They part ways, much like Shrek and Donkey do in Shrek.

Stuart Wellington

[42:52] Yeah, that's what it says in the script, I'm sure.

Dan McCoy

[42:58] It says, imagine a future movie with future star Mike Myers.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] He was a star in 93?

Dan McCoy

[43:07] Yeah, come on.

[43:07] Wayne's World was huge then.

[43:09] Wait, in 93?

[43:11] When did Wayne's World come out?

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] It was already on the SNL TV show.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] Yeah, I guess so.

[43:16] I guess so.

[43:18] I'm going to look up when Wayne's World came out.

[43:19] You keep talking.

[43:21] You do that.

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] You look up when Wayne's World came out.

[43:24] Because, Dan, it's Wayne's World.

[43:25] We're just living in it.

[43:28] All right, thanks.

[43:28] The worst thing would be if it was Wayne's World 2.

[43:29] 92, 92.

[43:31] Oh, interesting.

[43:32] The year before, Mike Myers, huge star.

[43:34] Number one box office hit, probably.

Dan McCoy

[43:38] All right, thanks.

[43:39] Dan, look up its box office performance.

[43:41] Okay, that'll keep me busy for a while.

[43:44] That's what you're trying to do, right?

Elliott Kalan

[43:46] Dan, I'm just trying to task rabbit you.

[43:47] So we can get on with the plot.

[43:50] The monks track down Samantha.

[43:53] They're following her on the street.

[43:54] And Eddie appears and fights them without her knowing behind her back.

[43:59] But then they get away again.

[44:01] And the monks, she calls the hotel.

[44:03] She gets a voice message.

[44:05] She calls her messages on the phone because this is pre-cell phone days.

[44:08] And she probably has like an answer phone service.

[44:10] And there's a voicemail saying, oh, hey, your sister's staying at this hotel.

[44:15] And she said for you to call me.

[44:16] And so she calls the manager and says, oh, yeah, my sister's there.

[44:19] He's like, yeah, meet me at this place.

[44:21] Okay, great.

[44:22] I'll take you where your sister is.

[44:23] And then we show that the lead monk is there and tricked the manager into doing this.

[44:28] Why he had to do this since we've just seen the monks literally following like 15 feet behind her on the street.

[44:34] I guess it's a series of redundancies because every good system has a redundancy built in just in case.

Dan McCoy

[44:40] By the way, Waynesworld was the eighth highest grossing film of 92.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] Yeah, but I wanted opening weekend box office.

Dan McCoy

[44:49] Oh, it was number one at the box office.

Stuart Wellington

[44:50] Yeah, it was – I think it says – wait, it says Bafo B.O.

[44:54] Yeah.

[44:55] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] Yeah, it's body odor with Bafo.

[45:02] So Samantha goes to this bar where she's, I guess, supposed to meet a hotel manager?

[45:09] I don't remember exactly why she went there.

[45:10] I don't really understand that part.

[45:11] Yeah.

[45:12] She's meeting somebody there.

[45:13] She goes to a bar.

[45:14] There's a woman stripping there in a little stripping alcove set off to the side of the room.

[45:18] And there's a ton of arcade cabinets that nobody is using.

[45:22] And I just couldn't – I had to know what games they were and I did not freeze frame to find out.

[45:26] The manager of the place hits on her and she gives him the one-two.

[45:29] She's already learning stuff from the brain smasher.

[45:31] Eddie walks in.

Stuart Wellington

[45:32] Who's the manager?

[45:34] Is that like – he has a name, right?

[45:37] He calls himself –

[45:38] Downtown Ronnie.

Elliott Kalan

[45:39] He calls himself –

[45:40] He calls himself Romeo.

[45:41] Yeah.

[45:42] But it's not his real name.

[45:44] And so he's not the title character from Romeo is Bleaning.

[45:48] So I don't know what else about him.

[45:50] Oh, thanks for the clarification.

[45:50] Or Romeo plus Juliet.

Dan McCoy

[45:53] Yeah, but Dan, what does that equal?

[45:55] Specifically.

[45:55] Did we ever find out?

[45:56] No.

[45:57] It equals fun.

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] That was the original tagline?

[46:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:03] It kind of equaled Moulin Rouge, right?

[46:06] Yeah.

[46:06] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] That's a good point.

[46:08] Do you guys remember when the movie My Girl came out?

[46:11] There was a commercial.

[46:13] Yes.

[46:13] It was like, get ready for the wildest, the wettest, and the wackiest adventure.

[46:18] And my sister went to go see it and she was like, he dies at the end.

[46:22] She was like, it was neither wet nor wacky.

[46:25] I think there's a scene of them jumping in a lake or something for wet.

[46:29] But for wettest, it was a very misleading commercial.

[46:32] Yeah.

[46:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:34] Anytime my wife sees a trailer that lies to her, such as, I don't know, the lobster,

[46:41] she's like, that fucking trailer my girled me.

[46:45] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] Eddie comes in and she says, what happened to you?

[46:51] You look terrible.

[46:52] He looks the same.

[46:53] He just has some dirt on his face.

[46:54] They flirt.

[46:55] Eddie doesn't like this bar because it doesn't have a bouncer.

[46:57] And she calls him a straight up guy.

[47:00] What happens?

[47:01] The monks show up.

[47:02] Samantha insults them a lot.

[47:03] There's a fight.

[47:04] Samantha runs away and puts on a disguise.

[47:07] And she's protected by a Rubenesque dancer who hits the monks with her boobs.

Stuart Wellington

[47:13] Not to bring up Mortal Kombat again, but I do like how this dancer and then Terry Hatcher's

[47:21] later disguise makes her look like Sindel from the Mortal Kombat games.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] And so this is something I want to ask you guys.

[47:28] Terry Hatcher changes into more revealing clothes.

[47:31] They're like super tight shorts and a see-through top.

[47:34] And she puts on a wig and a cloak.

[47:37] Because I guess she's escaping as some kind of sorceress stripper.

[47:42] But maybe it's like, you know what?

[47:44] It's like that Empire Strips Back thing that's been advertising all over LA.

[47:48] It's like a Dungeons and Dragons themed strip show.

[47:51] So that's why she puts on a cloak.

[47:52] And it's like her cloak of visibility.

[47:55] Do you guys?

[47:55] Does that make sense to you guys?

[47:56] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[47:57] That makes sense.

[47:58] So I bet in her mind when she puts on the disguise, she's like, I better come up with a backstory.

[48:02] Well, it's like a D&D themed dance.

[48:04] Because I'm always looking for ways to.

[48:05] It's like flash dance.

[48:06] I'm always looking for ways to push the envelope and like really express myself.

[48:09] And she's like, I wish the burlesque movement was at its peak now.

[48:13] Because that would be more fitting for me, this kind of dancer.

[48:16] Okay, I've got my character.

Stuart Wellington

[48:16] Yeah, it was most likely, as I said before, a Mortal Kombat themed strip show.

Elliott Kalan

[48:23] Which would be called what?

Stuart Wellington

[48:26] Dan.

[48:29] Stuart.

[48:31] Oh, no.

[48:32] Redirection.

[48:34] Mortal Kombat with a C-U-M.

[48:38] No, that's too harsh.

S4

[48:39] I was hoping no one would say that.

Stuart Wellington

[48:41] Wait, wait, wait.

[48:42] Mortal Kombat.

[48:44] All right, that's better.

[48:46] Mortal Kombat?

[48:48] I like.

[48:49] That's the worst one yet.

Elliott Kalan

[48:50] That's the worst.

Dan McCoy

[48:52] The first one, though, I like the idea of like, there's come and you use a bat to hit it.

[48:58] Yeah.

[48:59] You're hitting that.

[49:00] You're hitting that.

[49:01] Get up with your Kombat.

Elliott Kalan

[49:02] Get that out of here, man.

[49:03] Yeah, just to get it away from you.

[49:05] Yeah.

[49:05] Dan, baseball in the year 21-25 has become a very different sport.

[49:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:12] Instead of you have a pitcher, you have the ejaculator.

Elliott Kalan

[49:16] Yep.

[49:17] Yep.

[49:18] It makes it very hard to come up with taunting rhymes because you say, we want an ejaculator,

[49:22] not a...

[49:23] It doesn't rhyme with belly itcher.

[49:25] What are you going to say?

[49:25] Yeah.

[49:26] Mm-hmm.

[49:27] A smackulator.

[49:29] And you're like, what's a smackulator?

[49:30] Doesn't work.

[49:31] And you say, shut up.

[49:33] Shut up and just play the game properly.

[49:35] And then the Philly fanatic, who at this point has been in numerous porno films, I have to

[49:41] assume.

[49:43] He just shakes his head like, disappointing, guys.

[49:46] Disappointing.

[49:47] Yeah.

[49:47] Sure.

[49:48] Sure.

[49:48] Anyway, we don't have to spend any more time on that Mortal Kombat-themed burlesque show.

[49:55] So she creates this character.

[49:56] She puts on this disguise.

[49:58] She walks past the monks.

[49:59] They see through it instantly.

[50:01] And she doesn't even sell the bit.

[50:03] She just takes her wig off, takes the cloak off.

[50:05] And she's running around in this outfit for the rest of the movie.

[50:07] And I want to ask you guys, did this seem as gratuitous to you guys as it seemed to me, that she

[50:13] changes clothes for one moment for a thing that doesn't work, and then she's just stuck

[50:17] in that outfit the rest of the movie?

S4

[50:19] That was definitely mandated to get money for the movie.

[50:24] That's what happened.

Elliott Kalan

[50:24] That she had to dress up in a sexy outfit at some point?

S4

[50:26] Yeah, that's what they do.

[50:27] They're like, hey, show a woman's tits at least four times in the contract.

[50:31] And it's contractually opposite.

[50:33] And then a woman's nudity or half of the outfit.

[50:37] For a moment.

[50:39] And seriously.

Stuart Wellington

[50:41] That's how the business works, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[50:43] I don't like it.

[50:44] When I moved out to L.A., I thought it was, you know, glamour.

[50:47] That was the dream factory.

[50:48] Judy Garland, Mickey Rooney.

[50:49] Yeah, the dream factory.

[50:50] Exactly.

[50:51] I thought it was going to, it's like the end of the Muppet movie, right?

[50:54] Mm-hmm.

[50:55] Yeah.

[50:55] Is that sad?

[50:57] The end of the Muppet movie?

[50:58] It's like, the end of the Muppet movie is weird because they get their movie contract.

[51:02] They start making their movie, which they're also doing all the sets, which seems weird

[51:06] because Hollywood is a union town.

[51:08] So it's like.

[51:08] Yeah, that's so anti-union.

[51:10] What kind of studio is this Orson Welles running that the Muppets have to, they're already

[51:14] not in the Director's Guild.

[51:16] They're not in the Screen Actors Guild.

[51:17] They're not in the Writers Guild.

[51:18] And they're making their own sets.

[51:19] And then everything falls down and explodes because of Crazy Harry, who is a maniac.

[51:24] I don't know why they keep him around.

S4

[51:25] Yeah, that's like a liability.

[51:27] You could get sued.

[51:28] Yeah, exactly.

[51:28] Obviously.

Elliott Kalan

[51:29] And then the ceiling crashes in and a rainbow comes through.

[51:33] And it's kind of a happy ending.

[51:36] Dan, you're the resident manic Muppet maniac.

[51:40] Is that a happy ending or a sad ending?

Dan McCoy

[51:42] Like everything that involves the Muppets, it's a bittersweet ending.

[51:46] It's a.

[51:47] Look, life's like a movie.

[51:49] Write your own ending.

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] Keep believing.

[51:51] I do cry every time they get to that part.

Dan McCoy

[51:53] Keep pretending.

[51:54] No, it's beautiful.

[51:55] I mean, like, I mean, their movie has been destroyed, obviously.

[52:00] But there's a, you know, all the Muppets are together.

[52:03] They've got a rainbow.

[52:05] They've made the rainbow connection.

Elliott Kalan

[52:06] Yeah.

[52:07] Dan, now, the Muppet movie is a great movie.

[52:09] But you have to admit that the movie they're making looks pretty bad.

Dan McCoy

[52:13] I mean, I have that problem much more with Muppets Take Manhattan where I'm like, this musical sucks.

[52:18] This is like sub-Mamma Mia level musical that they're putting on.

Elliott Kalan

[52:23] You're like, there's so few Broadway houses out there that aren't taken up with jukebox musicals that are long running for the tourists.

[52:28] And now you're going to take up one with this garbage?

[52:30] Yeah.

[52:31] With the Ragtime revival closed in less than a few months?

Dan McCoy

[52:34] The entire plot of this movie, this musical, seems to be that somebody's getting married.

[52:39] I mean, they do sing a song that just goes, somebody's getting married.

[52:42] Yeah.

[52:44] It's all, somebody, somebody, somebody, somebody.

Elliott Kalan

[52:47] It's like, it's, it's like not as good as Porcupine Racetrack in terms of actually being a musical.

[52:54] No.

[52:54] Right?

Dan McCoy

[52:56] Yeah.

[52:56] The States Porcupine Racetrack.

[52:58] Yes.

[52:58] A sketch making fun of musicals is a better musical than the Muppets musical.

Elliott Kalan

[53:03] Well, hot takes.

[53:04] A lot of hot takes flying around in terms of brain smasher.

[53:06] Okay.

[53:07] So, uh, Samantha's wearing her sleazy outfit.

[53:10] She runs away.

[53:12] Eddie is captured by the monks.

[53:13] Oh, no.

[53:15] Uh, Samantha gets to the church.

[53:17] Where she's supposed to meet her sister.

[53:19] And she admits to her sister that she might love Ed.

[53:22] And this is when the sister explains that eating the lotus flowers gives you godlike powers.

[53:26] Whatever you want happens.

[53:27] And she gives like three or four examples of this.

[53:29] You think of a horse?

[53:30] You get a horse.

[53:31] You think everybody loves you?

[53:33] Everybody loves you.

[53:34] You think you have your own TV show?

[53:35] You have your own TV show.

[53:36] And I wanted Samantha to be like, yeah, I got it.

[53:38] Yeah, I get it.

[53:39] This is pretty clear.

[53:42] Meanwhile, Wu is, Wu, who's the leader of the monks, whose name I forgot to mention earlier.

[53:46] He's just breaking Ed's fingers for no particular reason.

[53:50] Everyone decides to meet up for an exchange at the club where Ed works.

[53:54] They're going to trade Ed for the lotus.

[53:56] And this somehow becomes Wu threatening Eddie.

[54:00] He's going to kill Eddie unless Samantha says out loud that she loves him.

[54:04] And the logic is very tortured as to why Wu wants to hear this or what this.

[54:08] Because he's a romantic.

[54:10] So he's like, I wanted ultimate power, but I'll settle for being a Cupid for you too.

[54:17] Like Wu has become such a Yenta in this moment.

[54:21] But Samantha has a gun that she got somewhere.

[54:25] Where did that gun come from?

[54:26] Do you guys remember?

[54:27] It's America, dude.

Dan McCoy

[54:31] It's an indictment of our society.

S4

[54:33] Which Brainsmasher was like, no, I don't use guns.

[54:37] Yeah.

[54:37] Which was very interesting and very interesting statement on that part about culture and America.

Stuart Wellington

[54:43] Yeah.

[54:44] And he said that even other bouncers at the clubs carry guns, but he's not going to use them.

[54:49] There's no honor in it for him.

[54:50] Yeah.

[54:50] There's no honor in it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:52] He's a regular ghost dog.

[54:53] Yeah.

[54:56] So they throw, it's like they start shooting the monks.

[55:03] And Samantha's sister goes, catch, and throws the containment unit with the lotus in it to Wu.

[55:08] It starts skittering all over the floor like an antidote in a Temple of Doom, Shanghai nightclub.

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:13] And Ed and Wu are scrambling for it.

[55:15] And Wu just starts kicking everybody.

[55:17] It's just like, he's kicking Samantha.

[55:19] He's kicking Eddie.

[55:20] Like, it's all kicks.

[55:22] And then finally, Eddie, he realizes Wu's secret weakness.

[55:27] He can't kick you if you hold on to his leg.

[55:30] And he catches his leg and then punches him in the face hard enough to smash his brain.

[55:35] Yeah.

[55:35] That's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[55:35] I thought that was going to be like, he discovers a secret weakness that his brain can be smashed.

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] April, do you want to describe what it looks like when your brain gets smashed?

[55:47] That's the first time we really see it.

S4

[55:48] Oh, my God.

[55:48] It's just like, what, like a Sharpay dog or something?

Elliott Kalan

[55:52] But like, in the eyes.

[55:55] It's like he has two craters where his eyes would be.

[55:58] Yeah, yeah.

S4

[55:58] Two big craters.

[56:00] Like, really wrinkly.

[56:01] Yeah, very wrinkly.

[56:03] Yes.

[56:03] It's just an old man's neck on his face.

Stuart Wellington

[56:07] It doesn't necessarily even look like the shape of a fist hit it.

[56:11] It's like, like, like somehow he got deflated a little bit and his eyeballs like got sucked into his head.

Elliott Kalan

[56:20] It's like part of his face got, got replaced with like an egg carton, but really wrinkly.

[56:27] Like, you put crepe paper all over an egg carton and then stuck it in his eye sockets.

S4

[56:32] Yeah.

[56:33] And maybe you have the Who Framed Roger Rabbit when you get, you get steamrolled.

[56:38] Oh, yeah.

[56:38] And then the eyes kind of bulge kind of thing.

[56:41] But the opposite.

[56:42] Yeah, he just got flattened with the eyes inside.

[56:46] They're not exploding.

[56:47] It's inside his brain.

[56:49] I can't tell.

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] It's like how some bullfrogs, they close their eyes when they're eating because their eyeballs actually push the food down their throat while they're swallowing.

[56:56] It was like that.

Stuart Wellington

[56:58] It looks a little bit like if you went up to a sketch artist at a Comic-Con and you're like,

[57:04] I want you to draw E.T.

[57:06] But he's a man.

Dan McCoy

[57:10] The sketch artist is like, okay, I'm getting paid nothing to do this.

[57:14] So I guess whatever you tell me to do, I'm going to do it, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[57:17] I guess I'll fulfill your fantasy here.

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] It's good.

[57:21] Just take time off of drawing nude Aunt May in that guy's sketchbook.

[57:28] People do – I remember once being at a comic book show and I was talking to Evan Dorkin.

[57:34] And this guy walked up to Evan Dorkin and was like, hey, can you do a sketch for me?

[57:36] He's like, yeah, sure.

[57:37] What do you want?

[57:37] He's like, well, the theme of this book is supervillains drinking soda.

[57:41] And Evan Dorkin just looked at him like, what?

[57:45] Like, what do you –

[57:45] Oh, boy.

[57:51] So anyway, Wu, despite having his brain smashed and his eyes pushed in, he eats the lotus and then promptly dies

[57:58] because Samantha's sister swapped in a poisonous substitute for the real lotus.

[58:04] Why she didn't do this from the beginning?

[58:06] Earlier? Yeah.

[58:06] Yeah, I don't know.

[58:07] And then she leaves and they're like, hey, so would it have worked if he ate it?

[58:13] And she was like, I don't know.

[58:15] I don't believe in that stuff.

[58:16] Like, I'm a botanist.

[58:17] I don't care.

S4

[58:19] She truly – I don't think she cared.

[58:21] She's like, well, you know, whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[58:22] Yeah, she just wasn't interested in it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:24] And she just brushes off like killing a dude through poison.

Elliott Kalan

[58:29] Actually, that's true.

[58:30] Eddie has smashed a man's brain and now he has the moral high ground because he didn't trick someone into eating poison.

[58:37] And dying.

[58:39] It's also – throughout the movie, people, they keep saying, we're being chased by these killers.

[58:43] These guys are killers.

[58:44] But we never see them actually – I guess except for the cop that they throw a bullet through the head of, who shot at them first.

[58:49] We never see them kill anybody else.

[58:51] They just kick people.

[58:52] But then Samantha's sister just straight up murders him.

[58:55] Anyway.

S4

[58:55] So that actor, Jen was obsessed with the Warriors.

[59:00] And that actor who plays Cammie, the sister, she's three from Warriors.

Elliott Kalan

[59:06] She's familiar, but I didn't know she was.

S4

[59:08] This is kind of like an all-night kind of traveling through crime kind of thing.

[59:12] She's like, we're in a kind of warrior attack type of situation.

[59:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:17] That adds so much more emotional resonance to the movie than anything that happens in the movie.

[59:21] I know, I know, I know.

[59:23] And so Ed compliments – Ed and Samantha are left alone with a bunch of dead monks in this nightclub.

[59:30] And he compliments her hands.

[59:32] And she admits eventually that she likes him.

[59:34] And then they both admit that they love each other.

[59:36] And then they kiss.

[59:37] Credits roll.

[59:38] We never find out who Andrew Dice Clay was telling this story to.

[59:42] As we said, the framing device does not frame.

[59:45] It's like when you have one bookend and the other bookend is missing, so the books just fall down a lot.

[59:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:51] So, Brain Smasher, a love story.

Elliott Kalan

[59:54] It lives up to the title.

[59:56] It has a brain smash in it, and it's also a love story.

Dan McCoy

[59:59] Yeah.

[1:00:00] Yeah.

[1:00:01] As they say on the internet, it does what it says on the tin.

[1:00:04] It's 100% there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:07] Now, I've never saw a Pyromaniacs love story.

[1:00:09] Is that a similar movie?

[1:00:13] April?

[1:00:14] No.

[1:00:15] All right.

[1:00:16] Fair enough.

S4

[1:00:17] There's also Risk Cutters, a love story.

[1:00:19] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:20] And there's also –

[1:00:20] It's like a trend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:21] Yeah.

[1:00:22] Because the trend of the ironic subtitle was vague for a while.

S4

[1:00:27] Totally ironic, guys.

[1:00:29] Totally ironic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:30] It's like you didn't expect this movie to have a love story as the subtitle.

[1:00:35] And then there's the movie Love Story, which is about a guy who smashes brains.

[1:00:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:39] Love Story, semicolon, brain smasher.

[1:00:44] A brain smasher story.

S4

[1:00:45] It would be like a remake, like the sequel to a love story.

[1:00:49] Isn't that like the ice skating one where the woman is blind?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:54] That's the cutting edge.

[1:00:56] No, she's not blind in the cutting edge.

[1:00:57] No, love story.

[1:00:58] Wait, she's not blind in the cutting edge?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:03] So you thought the cutting edge is about a woman who let her eyes got slit across and that blinded her?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:10] I thought that was why she was – oh, no, that was Jennifer Eight that I'm thinking of.

[1:01:14] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:15] I thought you were thinking of the eyes of Laura Mars.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:20] I think I'm thinking of FX, The Deadly Art of Illusion.

[1:01:24] Okay.

[1:01:25] Where Brian Brown's girlfriend's blind, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:01:29] I think that's what you're thinking about.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:32] So here's the part where we make a decision about this movie, whether it's a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[1:01:40] What does everyone think, guys?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:42] Oh, wow.

[1:01:42] Dan, you're not even going to answer your own question?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:44] No, I'll answer.

[1:01:46] Am I at first?

[1:01:50] We all get to say how we feel about it, and then April will silently judge us until she tells us how she feels about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:57] Yeah, because she made us watch it.

[1:02:01] I have no regrets.

[1:02:03] I actually feel like this is hovering between a good, bad movie and, honestly, a movie I kind of like.

[1:02:11] Because, like, I was watching it, and I was thinking to myself, you know what?

[1:02:16] I'm enjoying this movie a lot more than supposedly good movies that I've seen.

[1:02:23] Like, it worked for me in a way that a lot of, you know, prestige films don't necessarily work for me.

[1:02:31] I mean, it's accomplishing its goals.

[1:02:34] And we were talking about, you know, Andrew Rice Clay, weirdly not a bad actor.

[1:02:42] I mean, as Stuart and I were talking about before the taping started, it's not like he has a lot of range.

[1:02:48] I mean, he's playing the Andrew Rice Clay character.

[1:02:53] But he plays it very well.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:54] And it does feel like he didn't show up for any of the choreography lessons before any of the action sequences.

[1:03:02] Like, a lot of the action sequences just look like he's, like, rolling around.

[1:03:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:06] But, I mean, if a movie about a bouncer who attacks a bunch of, like, ninja monks sounds good to you.

[1:03:15] They're not ninjas, Dan.

[1:03:16] Maybe you didn't realize because it doesn't get mentioned in the movie, but they're not ninjas.

[1:03:19] I was splitting the difference by calling them ninja monks.

[1:03:23] But if that sounds appealing to you, if, like, a kung fu movie where it's the kung fu is versus a bouncer sounds appealing, then this is a good movie for you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:37] Yeah, if you're in that very specific cohort.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:42] I think that's a Netflix category.

[1:03:43] Yeah.

[1:03:44] It says, if you're interested in bouncer versus monk movies, you should watch the fifth season of Arrested Development.

[1:03:53] And I'm like, Netflix, that algorithm doesn't make sense.

[1:03:59] I'll do it.

[1:04:00] You go.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:01] Yeah.

[1:04:02] I think I'm going to go with I think it's a good, bad movie.

[1:04:06] I feel like it's tough to be critical of it because it does feel like it's doing it's exactly the movie it wants to be.

[1:04:13] It might be a little sloppily made, but like.

[1:04:19] I don't think I think it's for the most part when it's being silly, it's intentionally being silly or it's very difficult for me to tell what's intentional and what isn't intentional.

[1:04:31] So, yeah, I mean, I think it's like I think it's a pretty fun, good, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:36] I am going to go the other direction in Dan's where I'm going to say it's a movie I liked.

[1:04:42] It's a.

[1:04:42] And I expected to not like it because I don't know.

[1:04:46] It's a it's got a dumb title.

[1:04:48] I hate the title.

[1:04:49] I hate anything that puts a love story at the end of it.

[1:04:52] But I was like this movie.

[1:04:54] I genuinely found it funny in a bunch of places.

[1:04:56] I genuinely enjoyed a lot of the camera work in places.

[1:05:01] Inderda's play is perfectly serviceable as this bouncer character.

[1:05:06] It tapped into the crush I had on Terry Hatcher when I was like 13 years old and she was on Lois and Clark.

[1:05:13] And like I was saying, it framed the shots where people were talking with the camera a little closer to their face than you would find in American movie, which is a kind of framing I really enjoy.

[1:05:21] And the colors in it are really good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:23] And it does have Brick Bardo himself, Tim Thomerson, the doll man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:28] Yes.

[1:05:29] Yeah.

[1:05:30] So, I mean, he doesn't he doesn't straight down and be doll man.

[1:05:34] But yeah, I mean, that's one check in the minus column.

[1:05:40] I was watching this movie on headphones while my wife was doing something else in the same room.

[1:05:45] And I was like, huh.

[1:05:47] And she was like, what happened?

[1:05:48] And I'm like, doll man is in it.

[1:05:49] And she was like, what?

[1:05:50] And I was like, well, he's in a movie where he's an alien cop.

[1:05:52] But he's like a hard-boiled cop.

[1:05:54] But on Earth, he's 13 inches tall.

[1:05:55] So he's the size of a doll.

[1:05:56] And she was like, don't even tell me anymore.

[1:06:02] So, yeah, I enjoyed this movie.

[1:06:03] April, you picked this movie for us to watch.

S4

[1:06:05] I did.

[1:06:05] I'm so happy that some of you like it.

[1:06:08] Stuart, I won't win you over yet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:11] I said it was a good, bad movie.

[1:06:12] I feel like that's not.

[1:06:13] Oh, I guess.

[1:06:14] I guess I have one foot on the shore, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:17] Stuart, the way you said that was very Dice Clay.

[1:06:19] It's a good, bad movie.

[1:06:20] I said it's a good movie.

[1:06:21] Come on.

S4

[1:06:23] But the real stars of this are the Foley artists who had to do so much walking on the street.

[1:06:31] It's never-ending, just shoes, because they're walking so often.

[1:06:35] And I remember watching it like the second or third time.

[1:06:38] Wow.

[1:06:39] Wow.

[1:06:40] The Foley artists are really, really great.

[1:06:42] That's the kind of thing, you know, you get when you watch it in multiple viewings.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:46] So you would recommend watching Brain Smasher probably three times in a row?

S4

[1:06:49] At least three, yeah.

[1:06:50] I would say.

[1:06:51] Just to really get the full smash of it.

[1:06:54] The heart and the brain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:58] That would be your quote if the movie came out now.

[1:07:00] You'd be like, smashes your brain and smashes your heart.

S4

[1:07:03] Yes!

[1:07:03] Oh, God.

[1:07:04] To be a critic in 93.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:07] That must have been a glorious time.

[1:07:08] Yeah, you'd have your own TV show.

[1:07:11] It'd start local.

[1:07:12] Local regional television.

[1:07:13] Oh, yeah, definitely.

[1:07:13] And then it would get national syndication.

[1:07:16] What would it be called?

[1:07:17] What would you call your, like, Ebert and Siskel at the movies type show?

[1:07:22] Wolf Pick.

[1:07:24] Nice.

[1:07:24] That's pretty good.

[1:07:25] My last name is Wolf.

[1:07:26] Yeah.

[1:07:26] No, I got that part.

[1:07:28] I get it.

[1:07:28] Let's get it.

[1:07:29] I get it, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:30] And, like, Pick is, like, Pack.

[1:07:32] Exactly.

[1:07:33] But it's got an I in it instead.

[1:07:35] Yeah.

[1:07:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:36] Totally got it.

[1:07:37] But would you spell it P-I-C like picture?

[1:07:39] Like movies?

[1:07:40] Oh, shit.

[1:07:41] Thank you, though.

[1:07:44] Guys, we've got to get a time machine.

[1:07:45] Go to 1993.

[1:07:47] Pitch this show.

[1:07:49] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:49] I mean, I feel like there's other things we could probably do with a time machine, but

[1:07:52] sure.

[1:07:53] Name one.

[1:07:54] Name one catastrophe we could avert.

[1:07:55] There aren't any.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:56] Things have been going great since 1993.

[1:07:58] It's been perfect.

[1:07:59] Thanks.

S5

[1:08:05] This is Mirror Universe Adam Pranica here to tell you not to listen to the greatest

[1:08:10] discovery on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:13] This is Mirror Universe Ben Harrison uncharacteristically agreeing with you despite the fact that you

[1:08:19] are my enemy.

S5

[1:08:20] The one thing that you must never do is enjoy our bit of off-season Star Trek Discovery programming

[1:08:26] where we talk about the first season of Star Trek Discovery while at the same time unpacking

[1:08:32] news and information about the upcoming season two.

[1:08:35] So do not tune in and download The Greatest Discovery on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get

[1:08:42] your podcasts.

[1:08:43] And rate it one star on Apple Podcasts.

S6

[1:08:48] In a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts.

[1:08:52] A world where Casey Affleck has an Oscar and Angela Bassett does not.

[1:08:59] Only one podcast is brave enough to call bulls**t.

[1:09:05] Who shot ya?

[1:09:08] With Ricky Carmona.

[1:09:09] With Ricky Carmona.

[1:09:10] A lot of people don't know, porgs?

[1:09:11] Puerto Rican.

[1:09:12] Alonzo Duralde.

[1:09:13] I would eat oak jaw.

[1:09:15] April Wolf.

S4

[1:09:16] I want to interrupt and say that the fish man was real sexy.

S6

[1:09:19] Drea Clark.

S4

[1:09:20] I have a real soft spot for King Kong.

S6

[1:09:23] And women of color.

[1:09:24] I was like, damn!

[1:09:26] Right, Kugel got final cut!

[1:09:27] Kugel got final cut!

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:28] It's literally the world's saddest orgy.

S4

[1:09:32] And believe me, I'm from San Francisco.

[1:09:35] I've been to some sad orgies.

S6

[1:09:37] Who shot ya?

[1:09:38] Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:46] So, we got a few sponsors that we should mention.

[1:09:50] Oh, thanks.

[1:09:53] What are you saying?

[1:09:54] Thanks to Dan for mentioning?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:55] I'm saying thanks to Archie has smashed his face into my mouth.

[1:10:00] My brain smashed you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:01] Yep.

[1:10:02] Archie the Cat, brain smasher.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:05] Our first sponsor, the Flophouse, is sponsored in part by Mack Weldon.

[1:10:10] You can look good and feel great in Mack Weldon.

[1:10:15] Because, I'll tell you something, they believe in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:21] It's a very easy and convenient shopping experience to go to MackWeldon.com.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:27] Yeah.

[1:10:27] I assume that's MackWeldon.com.

[1:10:29] I hope it is.

[1:10:30] Otherwise, I have screwed up this commercial royally.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:35] So, Dan, did they give you, maybe look a little bit farther down in the ad copy?

[1:10:40] Oh, yeah.

[1:10:41] It is Mack Weldon.com.

[1:10:43] I know you always review the ad copy multiple times ahead of time, so you know it by heart.

[1:10:47] But maybe just glance down, and the URL is probably there at the bottom.

[1:10:50] MackWeldon for your butt, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:52] Yeah, that's what it's called.

[1:10:54] Look, they've got a, guys, they've got a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial.

[1:11:02] So, they eliminate odor.

[1:11:05] Like, the shirts eliminate odor on their own.

[1:11:09] Looks like a science fiction thing.

[1:11:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:11] So, you could just wear that shirt a couple days in a row, and you'd be fine.

[1:11:15] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:15] You might as well call it Odor Smasher, a shirt story.

[1:11:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:19] If you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can keep it, and they'll still refund you

[1:11:24] with no questions asked.

[1:11:26] And I mean no questions asked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:32] Dan, let me just mention, you're not going to unlike that underwear.

[1:11:36] You're going to like it a lot, because it's a really quality piece of underwear, and undershirts

[1:11:40] are really good, and the silver ones are really good.

[1:11:43] Speaking as a MackWeldon user, you're going to like the way you look, if you look at yourself

[1:11:48] in the mirror before you put your other clothes on.

[1:11:50] And also, the look is not the important thing.

[1:11:52] It's more the wearing of it.

[1:11:54] So, you're going to like the way you wear it.

[1:11:56] I guarantee it.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:58] Well, that's changed just enough to not be intellectual property.

[1:12:02] Nobody can sue me now.

[1:12:06] Just for the listener, go to MackWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code FLOP.

[1:12:11] That's MackWeldon.com, 20% off with promo code FLOP.

[1:12:18] And secondarily, but not, I mean secondarily, only in listing.

[1:12:22] Thanks for clarifying.

[1:12:23] Not an importance form.

[1:12:25] Yeah, we didn't rank the sponsors.

[1:12:27] Don't worry.

[1:12:29] Our other sponsor tonight, or whenever you're listening to this podcast, is Squarespace.

[1:12:36] Squarespace.

[1:12:37] You can create a beautiful website with Squarespace to turn your cool idea into a new website, showcase

[1:12:43] your work, announce an upcoming event or special project, or do a little e-commerce.

[1:12:50] You know, sell something.

[1:12:51] Make a little scratch with Squarespace.

[1:12:54] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:54] When you finally...

Dan McCoy

[1:12:56] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:58] You use Squarespace to monetize your...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:02] Yeah, just go to Squarespace.com, the place you're supposed to go for squares.

[1:13:06] Hi.

[1:13:07] You hate it when you're supposed to have a square, but you don't have one.

[1:13:10] Go to Squarespace.

[1:13:12] Now, Dan, we've had a lot of laughs, but I actually have a serious business proposition.

[1:13:16] Okay.

[1:13:17] And I was wondering if Squarespace would be able to help with it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:18] Are you going to pitch your new movie review website, Wolfpick?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:23] Yeah, it's called Wolfpick.com, Elliot Kalin's place for movie reviews on the web.

[1:13:29] Now, it's called Wolf because I have an ancestor named Wolf.

[1:13:32] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:33] It's only movies from 1993.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:35] Yeah, it's only movies from 1993 except for the film Wolf, which I think came out a different year.

[1:13:39] So it's either 1993 movies or wolf-based movies.

[1:13:43] So, I mean, which means you could have, like, the Corda version of the Jungle Book in it.

[1:13:48] I think that has a wolf in it.

[1:13:49] You could have White Fang.

[1:13:50] You know, is Balto a wolf?

[1:13:52] Let's just say that he is.

[1:13:54] Sure, he's close enough.

[1:13:55] Technically, yeah.

[1:13:57] So, Dan, I had an idea for a website, and I'm hoping Squarespace, I'm sorry.

[1:14:02] All right, see?

[1:14:02] See?

[1:14:03] Now I'm talking like a Dan.

[1:14:04] See how it happens?

[1:14:05] Now, I'm hoping Squarespace can help me.

[1:14:07] Now, this movie really inspired me, but I was thinking, why stop at Brains?

[1:14:11] Why not smash any organ?

[1:14:13] And so at organsmash.org, it's a nonprofit, if you have excess organs you're not doing anything with, just send them to us.

[1:14:21] We'll smash them.

[1:14:22] Or we'll send you a kit to smash them at home, upload your video to the website, be part of the community,

[1:14:27] you know?

[1:14:28] Be part of the organ smash world.

[1:14:29] It's a place where friends can meet friends to smash each other's extra organs.

[1:14:33] Now, I don't know about you guys.

[1:14:34] I have two kidneys.

[1:14:35] I'm not using one of them.

[1:14:37] It's just like extra.

[1:14:38] I don't need it.

[1:14:39] So I think I might take it out and just smash it and just post the video and get things started.

[1:14:45] So, organsmash.org, it is a nonprofit, as I mentioned.

[1:14:48] All proceeds go to the Elliot Kalin Foundation for Money, which is another nonprofit that's oriented towards giving me money to buy things that I like.

[1:14:57] And, Dan, I wondered if Squarespace might be able to help me with both of those projects.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:02] I'm pretty sure it can.

[1:15:05] I think Dan's responding to an email now.

[1:15:07] No, I was saying whether the slogan for the Phantom was either smash evil or slam evil.

[1:15:15] Slam evil.

[1:15:16] Slam evil.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:17] It was slam evil.

[1:15:19] Yeah.

[1:15:19] Yeah, originally it was called Brain Slammer, a movie no one will watch.

[1:15:24] It was slam evil.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:25] Yeah, thank God they changed the title so that all these people saw it.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:30] You can do everything you want to, Elliot, because Squarespace gives you beautiful templates created by world-class designers,

[1:15:37] powerful e-commerce functionality, free and secure hosting, and nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:43] Oh, that's great.

[1:15:45] I don't ever want to patch or upgrade things.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:47] Look, if you want to do this, why not check out squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial,

[1:15:54] and when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:04] Thanks.

[1:16:05] Thanks, Elliot.

[1:16:06] Thanks.

[1:16:07] Hey, do you guys think Wedding Crashers would be different if the title is Wedding Smashers?

Dan McCoy

[1:16:13] It sounds more violent, right?

[1:16:15] I mean, it sounds like the November rain video.

[1:16:18] Because the cake gets destroyed?

[1:16:20] Yeah.

[1:16:20] I guess so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:22] Here's another question.

[1:16:23] Do you think when Billy Corgan was a kid, probably like eight, he went to the theater, saw Brain Smasher,

[1:16:29] and was like, I want to smash brains.

[1:16:31] I want to smash pumpkins.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:33] Wait, when he was eight, was that back when he played the kid on Small Wonder?

[1:16:39] Did Billy Corgan do that?

[1:16:41] I think that was like a long-running urban legend when Smashing Pumpkins first came out,

[1:16:47] was that Billy Corgan was the kid on Small Wonder.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:50] Like how people thought Marilyn Manson was the friend from Wonder Years?

[1:16:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:54] Yeah, it's exactly the same thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:56] Or how people thought the Karate Kid was Ralph Macchio?

[1:17:01] That's Urban Legend you still hear today.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:07] All right, guys.

[1:17:08] All right, guys.

[1:17:08] Before we move on, there's one last thing we should do, which is plug our live show in Seattle, Washington.

[1:17:14] Oh, cool.

[1:17:16] Right near the Brain Smasher.

[1:17:16] By the time we're releasing this show, it'll be very close to the live show.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:23] Yeah, so tell us more about this live show.

[1:17:24] I'm excited about it.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:26] It's at the Neptune Theater in Seattle, Washington.

[1:17:29] Oh.

[1:17:30] It's at 8 p.m.

[1:17:32] It's at 8 p.m. on June the 30th.

[1:17:33] That's Saturday.

[1:17:35] Mm-hmm.

[1:17:35] So you don't have to go to work tomorrow, presuming that you don't work on Sunday, which some people do.

[1:17:41] Yeah.

[1:17:42] So.

[1:17:43] Priests.

[1:17:44] Uh-huh.

[1:17:46] A lot of people in the service industry.

[1:17:48] Sure.

[1:17:49] Yeah.

[1:17:49] True.

[1:17:49] Who else?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:50] I don't know who else, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:55] Well.

[1:17:56] I mean, if your garbage pickup is on Sunday, which it's probably not, but then garbage men would work that day.

[1:18:00] I don't know.

[1:18:01] Police officers.

S4

[1:18:02] I think people at Trump's golf club work on Sunday.

[1:18:05] Oh, yeah.

[1:18:06] That's a big golf day.

[1:18:07] Yeah.

[1:18:07] Big golf.

[1:18:08] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:09] So if you're not in the golf industry, you can come to our show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:13] I mean, you can still come to our show, just expect that you have to go to work the next day.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] I mean, just don't stay out too late.

[1:18:20] But if you don't have to go to work the next day, definitely come to the show, because we're going to go late.

[1:18:24] Right, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:25] Probably, if previous shows are any indication.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:29] And, Dan, are we announcing the movie for it?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:32] The movie in Seattle, I believe, is The Mummy.

[1:18:36] The new Mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:37] Starring Brendan Fraser.

[1:18:38] No.

[1:18:39] The one with Tom Cruise.

[1:18:39] No, it's starring Boris Karloff.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:41] No, the Thomas Cruise one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:44] Oh, right.

[1:18:45] The one that was going to kick off the Dark Universe series.

[1:18:48] What?

[1:18:48] I can't wait for that next Dark Universe movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:51] Yeah.

[1:18:52] Hey, April, you got your finger on the pulse of movies.

[1:18:55] What's the next Dark Universe movie?

S4

[1:18:57] I don't care.

[1:18:58] I really am trying not to pay attention to it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:00] But it's a Dark Universe.

S4

[1:19:02] Oh, it's going back.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:05] I think I heard it might be that Sci-Fi Channel original Leprechaun reboot.

[1:19:12] Wouldn't that be awesome?

[1:19:14] No.

[1:19:14] As if they're like, fuck it, the Dark Universe, we're just going to do Leprechaun.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:19] They're like, look, people don't care about the Universal Monsters anymore.

[1:19:22] At least they don't care when we make half-assed action movies out of them.

[1:19:25] So we can assume people don't like these characters.

[1:19:27] So we'll just do the Leprechaun.

S4

[1:19:28] Wait, you're not talking about the Warwick Davis Leprechaun.

[1:19:32] You're talking about a different Leprechaun?

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:34] Yeah, the new one that's coming out.

[1:19:36] What?

[1:19:37] It was announced, yeah.

[1:19:38] I think Sci-Fi is producing it.

S4

[1:19:42] Oh, my God.

[1:19:43] Okay.

[1:19:45] I'm more excited about that.

[1:19:47] You're like, oh, this is a Leprechaun movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:49] Yeah, until the Dark Universe includes the Madballs or some shit.

[1:19:53] I'm not into it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:58] They're just digging through a Toys R Us catalog from, like, 1989.

[1:20:04] Wow, these muscle men, are they available?

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:06] That would be incredible, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:09] What about these robots that turn into rocks?

[1:20:11] We could use those.

[1:20:14] So that's going to be a really fun show.

[1:20:16] And as always, this is my promise to you, the attendee.

[1:20:19] When we do our presentations before the show, which we do at every live show,

[1:20:23] I will be doing a presentation explicitly tailored for that show only,

[1:20:28] which I will never perform again.

[1:20:30] So you're either going to go to that show and see it,

[1:20:32] or you're never going to see it.

[1:20:33] And it's a presentation about Seattle,

[1:20:36] so will a certain radio psychiatrist make an appearance in it?

[1:20:41] Possibly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:43] Wait, he's going to – Kelsey Grammer is going to come to the show?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:46] Don't tell anybody.

[1:20:50] Moving on, though.

[1:20:51] I actually got the number one Kelsey Grammer impersonator in Seattle,

[1:20:54] Kelso Grammer.

S4

[1:20:58] Do you know that Kelsey Grammer day in Seattle is September 11th?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:02] What?

[1:21:03] It's really sad.

[1:21:03] It's very sad.

[1:21:05] It's really sad.

[1:21:07] Both sad that it's that day and sad that Seattle was like,

[1:21:09] what do we got going for us?

[1:21:10] Kelsey Grammer, all right.

[1:21:12] It's the holiday.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:13] We got to increase tourist traffic.

[1:21:16] It's like the opposite of the RoboCop statue of Detroit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:23] That was a scandal.

[1:21:25] I think we've talked about it before.

[1:21:26] Maybe not.

[1:21:27] So that RoboCop statue got Kickstarter funded,

[1:21:31] and Detroit said, we don't want it.

[1:21:33] And I have to say, I understand Detroit's point of view on this one,

[1:21:36] that they did not want a giant monument to a movie all about how bad their city is.

[1:21:40] How it's a crime-infested sewage hole where people turn into mutants.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:45] Uh-huh.

[1:21:45] But maybe that statue would depress crime.

[1:21:48] People in that general area will see RoboCop,

[1:21:52] and they'll be like, oh, what better not?

[1:21:53] Oh, let me get rid of my nuke.

[1:21:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:56] I think the statue would depress Detroit and its residents.

[1:22:01] Oh, this is what we're known for, huh?

[1:22:03] There has to be.

[1:22:04] I bet you it's the same way that, like,

[1:22:06] there was that statue of Captain America that was briefly up in Brooklyn,

[1:22:11] and I remember seeing it and being like,

[1:22:12] look, I love Captain America.

[1:22:14] I love the Marvel comics.

[1:22:15] I do not.

[1:22:16] This doesn't really make much sense to me,

[1:22:18] partly because he's a superhero who's based in the Lower East Side in the comics.

[1:22:21] But this idea that, like, oh, there's all these statues to, like, real dead people,

[1:22:25] and then there's one to Chris Evans as Captain America.

[1:22:28] But, like, there must be a statue in Detroit to a real police officer

[1:22:31] who was killed in the line of duty at some point,

[1:22:33] and that statue would probably look at the RoboCop statue and be like, oh, really?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:37] Okay.

[1:22:38] Well, Elliot, what about the statue to Ralph Cramden in Sunset Park?

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:43] It's at Port Authority, isn't it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:45] Oh, I thought it was in Sunset Park.

[1:22:47] Okay, doesn't matter.

[1:22:48] I mean, that, too.

[1:22:48] That seems crazy to me.

[1:22:50] And what about the statue of Rocky in Philadelphia?

[1:22:53] Don't even get me started.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:54] At least they moved that so it's no longer at the top of the stairs of the Museum of Art,

[1:22:58] where it's literally like Philadelphia's like,

[1:23:00] this is our idea of art.

[1:23:01] It's a statue of Sylvester Stallone.

[1:23:05] Like, the only way that gets away as art is if Jeff Kuhn sculpted it,

[1:23:08] and then I'd be like, okay, maybe.

[1:23:09] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:11] We should move on, though, to letters.

[1:23:14] Okay.

[1:23:14] From listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:15] Actually, wait, can I tell a very quick story about my son,

[1:23:18] the four-year-old son, the art critic?

[1:23:19] Sure.

[1:23:19] So we went to the La Brea Tar Pits.

[1:23:23] It's a great place to take a four-year-old,

[1:23:24] and it's right next to the Art Museum LACMA,

[1:23:26] the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

[1:23:29] And there was a big, I assume it's a Jeff Kuhn sculpture

[1:23:31] because it was a big balloon animal, shiny sculpture off in the distance.

[1:23:35] And I was like, oh, Sammy will probably like that.

[1:23:36] We should walk over to it.

[1:23:38] And I was like, Sammy, let's go over to that sculpture.

[1:23:39] It's this big, shiny balloon animal.

[1:23:41] And he went, I can see it.

[1:23:45] It's just like, not worth the walk.

[1:23:47] Okay.

[1:23:48] Not anyway.

[1:23:48] Get it, Sammy.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:50] Yeah.

[1:23:52] So our first letter.

[1:23:55] Now Stuart thought that was going to be a longer story and left his seat.

[1:23:57] He walked.

[1:23:59] He took his drink glass and walked into the kitchen.

[1:24:03] And he's yelling that he's coming back.

[1:24:07] Oh, good.

[1:24:08] As if I had imagined that he was leaving the podcast forever.

[1:24:14] And this was the way he had chosen to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:16] This isn't his Jack Parr moment where he's just going to walk off stage

[1:24:19] in the middle of the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:20] All right, here he is.

[1:24:22] What did I miss?

[1:24:24] Did Elliot sing a song yet?

[1:24:25] A great story about Sammy.

[1:24:28] So this is the segment where we read letters from listeners,

[1:24:33] listeners like you.

[1:24:35] And the first letter is from Ben, last name withheld.

[1:24:39] Who writes?

[1:24:41] Ben Kingsley.

[1:24:42] What's Ben going to write?

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:43] Hey, guys, what's Ben going to write in this letter?

[1:24:47] April Wolf is here to find out what this letter will say.

[1:24:50] About Ben, by Ben, to Ben, to us.

[1:24:54] Hey, Ben, what's on your mind today?

[1:24:57] Hey, Ben, hope you'll be kind today.

[1:25:00] Hey, Ben, compost that rind today.

[1:25:03] Because you're not going to eat it, but it could be used to enrich the soil.

[1:25:07] In a public park, perhaps a farm somewhere dark.

[1:25:11] Where inside that dirt the worms will churn.

[1:25:14] And they'll eat up that rind and take their turn.

[1:25:17] At making the world a more fertile place.

[1:25:20] For the plants and the flowers all over the space.

[1:25:23] That is this world that we share.

[1:25:27] This letter is brought to you by Ben.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:29] So, April, how was that for you?

[1:25:31] How was that being in the same room as that?

[1:25:34] I had such a good flow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:36] Oh, thank you.

[1:25:38] Now, normally when I would sing that in the same room as Dan and Stuart,

[1:25:41] I'll lock eyes with them so they can't escape.

[1:25:43] But I was embarrassed.

[1:25:44] I purposely looked away.

[1:25:45] Oh, yeah, and I couldn't.

S4

[1:25:46] I didn't.

[1:25:46] It's like when there's like a car stopped and like you're not sure if you're supposed to walk across the street

[1:25:50] and look away and then they could drive through the stop line.

[1:25:54] That's it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:57] So, you treated me the same way you would treat like a very quiet homeless person.

[1:26:02] Where you're like, if I don't look at them, I can tell myself I didn't notice that they were there.

[1:26:06] Maybe they're not asking for change.

[1:26:07] Maybe it's just a man who hasn't taken a bath in a while who is taking that paper cup to get it filled with coffee somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:16] Yeah, maybe he's doing one of those Diablo Cody writing exercises, right?

[1:26:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:24] This is from Ben.

[1:26:25] So, Dan, what did Ben say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:26] What's Ben going to say?

[1:26:27] Last name 10.

[1:26:28] What's Ben going to say?

Dan McCoy

[1:26:29] Well, he writes,

[1:26:30] Hi, Peaches.

[1:26:32] I listened to your USS Naptown episode while hosting a sleepover for no fewer than six 10-year-old boys.

[1:26:39] My son's birthday party.

[1:26:41] Thank you, firstly, for helping me preserve my sanity during this challenging time.

[1:26:45] There is some debate among the boys over what movies to watch.

[1:26:49] They finally settled on Johnny English Reborn and Maze Runner Scorch Trials.

[1:26:56] A classic example of committee think leading to mediocrity.

[1:27:03] Alas, but they seem to enjoy themselves.

[1:27:06] Anyway, this got me thinking about sleepover-based movie experiences.

[1:27:10] Are there any formative, inappropriate, or just downright head-scratching films you guys remember seeing during sleepovers at friends' houses growing up?

[1:27:17] My memory goes back to 15-year-old me and a bunch of my friends excitedly beginning blue velvet and then being variously traumatized over the next couple of hours.

[1:27:27] Also, I have a random memory of my friends' houses growing up in the sluggish, tequila sunrise one night.

[1:27:37] Anyway, over to you.

[1:27:40] So, sleepover movie experiences.

[1:27:42] I have two that I remember.

[1:27:46] I remember, I think it was the same friend of mine.

[1:27:50] I watched the 1985 TV movie The Midnight Hour starring Sherry Belafonte, LeVar Burton.

[1:28:01] Sherry Belafonte?

[1:28:02] Yeah.

[1:28:04] Okay.

[1:28:06] LeVar Burton.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:07] That was when Harry Belafonte, like Tiresias, had changed gender at the whim of the gods.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:13] Kevin McCarthy was in it, too.

[1:28:15] Dick Van Patten and Wolfman Jack and Kurtwood Smith looking through the IMD page.

[1:28:23] And you're recounting this all from memory.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:26] Oh, well, I see.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:27] Yeah.

[1:28:29] And it was a –

[1:28:31] Because as a kid you were like, whoa, Kurtwood Smith?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:36] Kevin McCarthy?

[1:28:38] Amazing, said 10-year-old Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:41] It was a TV-based –

[1:28:42] He was in the Biscuits.

[1:28:45] A TV-based, you know, like horror movie about, you know, using an ancient scroll or something to –

[1:28:57] Wow, it really made an impression.

Stuart Wellington

Dan McCoy

[1:29:05] There were like monsters overrunning the town or something like that.

[1:29:10] But the other movie –

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:12] Dan, Dan, I cannot begin to imagine the stories you're not telling.

[1:29:16] This is the one you're choosing to tell.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:17] And then we watched, weirdly enough, the 1964 comedy, Advance to the Rear.

[1:29:42] Which is a very strange choice for a sleepover.

[1:29:47] Are you familiar with this, Elliot?

[1:29:49] No, I am not.

[1:29:53] The IMDb –

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:55] Like an army-based comedy?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:58] The IMDb page says,

[1:29:59] A Union Army outfit of misfits and rejects ascended to the Western Territory.

[1:30:04] Southern spies try to figure out what they're up to.

[1:30:07] So it was a 64 black and white comedy with Glenn Ford and Melvin Douglas and Jim Backus.

[1:30:17] It's a very strange choice for a, like, group of 10-year-olds watching a movie as a sleepover.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:25] Yeah, it's not even like you could be like, oh, this probably has nudity in it.

[1:30:28] Because as soon as you saw it, it was black and white.

[1:30:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:32] So this was a dead end.

[1:30:35] Well, for you, maybe.

[1:30:36] Or me?

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:37] Not even a dead end, for me.

[1:30:38] For me, at least.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:38] I did.

[1:30:40] Yeah.

[1:30:41] I think the two movies that I watched the most as sleepover movies were Repossessed with Leslie Nielsen.

[1:30:50] Okay.

[1:30:52] And Ski Patrol with, you know, the cast of Ski Patrol.

[1:30:59] Yeah, of course.

[1:31:00] You might see them when you look into the night sky, for they are etched among the stars.

[1:31:08] The constellations.

[1:31:09] The constellations of the cast of Ski Patrol.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:12] So you were more into the saucy comedies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:15] Yeah, I was super into saucy comedies with funny fart sound effects and, you know, that type of stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:21] I remember my friends and I, we would watch Akira a lot.

[1:31:25] Like, Akira was a big sleepover movie once we reached a certain age.

[1:31:30] And also, like, Monty Python movies.

[1:31:33] But we'd always have the experience of, we'd start watching the movie, we'd fall asleep before it was over, or our parents would tell us we had to go to sleep.

[1:31:40] If we were, before we, you know, turn 12 or 13.

[1:31:44] And then the next morning we would finish watching it.

[1:31:46] So all these movies where the most crazy stuff would happen at the end of the movie, but we'd be watching it the next morning.

[1:31:52] So I remember very clearly, like, watching Life of Brian and the first time I ever saw the scene where Graham Chapman opens up the window and you see his penis.

[1:32:01] It was like my friend's mom was just making breakfast in the other room.

[1:32:05] And it was like, this is a weird way to see this movie.

[1:32:07] But I remember we, some friends of mine, we rented Mac and Me.

[1:32:13] And it was the only time when we were watching the movie and my friend's parents said, you guys have to go to sleep.

[1:32:20] And we were like, okay.

[1:32:21] Like, that's, that's fine.

[1:32:24] And we finished watching it the next morning more out of obligation than anything else.

[1:32:28] It was like, okay.

S4

[1:32:30] I love that movie.

[1:32:31] Oh, it's...

[1:32:32] It taught me about wind power.

[1:32:34] How so?

[1:32:34] A lot of wind turbines that I didn't know existed.

[1:32:38] Oh, okay.

[1:32:39] It's really the thing I got out of.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:42] I mean, that's the best anyone has ever gotten out of that.

[1:32:44] Yeah.

[1:32:45] So.

[1:32:47] What about you?

[1:32:48] Any sleepover movie memories?

S4

[1:32:49] Oh, I wasn't popular.

[1:32:50] I didn't do sleepovers.

[1:32:52] But I did stay up late with my grandparents every night.

[1:32:57] And what movies did they watch?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:58] That's kind of a sleepover.

S4

[1:33:01] Yeah, so the first movie I can remember watching with them, we watched it a lot with sleepaways.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:04] Oh, okay.

[1:33:06] That's crazy grandparent choice.

S4

[1:33:09] Yeah.

[1:33:10] My grandfather's favorite movie is The Ice Cream Man starring Clint Howard.

[1:33:15] Clint Howard.

[1:33:16] That tells you anything.

[1:33:17] So, you know, we watched a lot of those over and over.

[1:33:22] April Fool's Day with the kids before.

[1:33:24] Uh-huh.

[1:33:25] You guys remember the cover of that?

[1:33:26] The VHS?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:29] Not particularly.

[1:33:30] What did it...

[1:33:31] It's like a whole other back turn, right?

[1:33:32] Oh, right.

[1:33:33] And they sprayed it in her hair or something.

[1:33:34] That's right.

[1:33:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:36] Yeah, that was one of my favorite VHS boxes to see in the video store.

[1:33:43] I, uh...

S4

[1:33:44] Reminds me of home.

[1:33:47] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:48] My, uh...

[1:33:49] My, uh...

Dan McCoy

[1:33:49] When I was a kid also, I had epilepsy, which is something that I grew out of, actually, which

[1:33:53] is apparently the thing that happens from time to time, is you can just grow out of epilepsy.

[1:33:58] But, uh...

[1:33:59] I had to get, uh...

[1:34:02] These brain scans that I would have to do while I was asleep.

[1:34:06] Uh-huh.

[1:34:07] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:07] Like in the movie, brain scan.

[1:34:08] Yeah.

[1:34:09] And so to make sure that I was asleep, uh, my...

[1:34:13] I would have to stay up the night before.

[1:34:16] So I would sleep through these tests.

[1:34:18] And my mom was very sweet.

[1:34:21] She would stay up with me.

[1:34:22] And we would watch movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:24] And I remember...

[1:34:25] That's like a really nice story, dude.

[1:34:26] No, it is a very nice...

[1:34:27] It is a very nice story.

[1:34:28] Why don't you tell that story first?

[1:34:30] Instead of making us sit through this other...

[1:34:32] Just listing names from a TV movie you didn't remember.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:35] I just remember that one of the movies that we watched was Shelley Long in Hello Again.

[1:34:44] So, that was an interesting choice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:46] That reminds me of a time when my mom and I, I think we were cleaning up the basement.

[1:34:51] And we were finishing late.

[1:34:52] I was probably like 14 or something.

[1:34:54] And on HBO, A League of Their Own was starting.

[1:34:57] A movie we had on tape.

[1:34:58] Like, we owned it.

[1:34:59] We could watch it whenever we wanted.

[1:35:00] We could have said, oh, A League of Our Own.

[1:35:01] That's good.

[1:35:02] We'll just watch it tomorrow.

[1:35:03] But instead we were like, I guess we're watching this.

[1:35:05] And so we watched A League of Their Own until like 2 in the morning.

[1:35:09] And I think I had school the next day.

[1:35:11] Like, I don't know what.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:13] You got a note from your mom.

[1:35:16] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:16] Please excuse Elliot today on account of Penny Marshall's A League of the story of female baseball players.

S4

[1:35:23] You just can't stop when you see it.

[1:35:25] It is a good movie.

[1:35:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:28] Eddie Spaghetti?

[1:35:29] So tragic.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:31] This next letter is from Devin, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:35:36] Hi, Peach Squad.

[1:35:38] On a recent day homesick from work, I watched for the first time a movie that has been oft discussed on the Flophouse.

[1:35:44] Teen Wolf.

[1:35:46] Even though I'd never seen the film, the whole thing felt so familiar because of the many times I'd heard you guys discussed on the podcast.

[1:35:53] Yeah.

[1:35:53] There was Teen Wolf surfing on the car, just like Stuart said.

[1:35:57] There was the Civil War play, just like Elliot said.

[1:36:00] There was Booth being way cuter than that blonde girl, just like Dan repeatedly said.

[1:36:05] And there was that, and then there was that Dick Knows t-shirt I'd heard so much about.

[1:36:11] So my question, what movies have you never seen but feel familiar with because they're seeped into your brain via cultural references, discussion by loved ones, or some other means?

[1:36:22] Bonus question, who would win in a fight between Teen Wolf and Teen Witch?

[1:36:26] Keep flopping hard, gentlemen.

[1:36:27] Devin, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:30] Well, is it a fight or a basketball game?

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:33] Yeah, that's the question.

[1:36:33] Or is it a rap battle?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:35] A rap battle.

[1:36:36] Yeah, well, Teen Witch isn't that good at rapping.

[1:36:38] It's her friend who's really good at it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:40] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:41] She is really good at it.

[1:36:43] Yeah, you can't top that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:47] What do you think?

[1:36:48] Teen Wolf or Teen Witch?

S4

[1:36:48] Oh, God.

[1:36:49] I'm Teen Witch all the way.

[1:36:50] Okay.

[1:36:51] Yeah.

[1:36:51] I thought I was her for all of my life.

[1:36:55] I really identify with her.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:56] You're like, any minute now, these witch powers are going to kick in.

[1:36:59] I've been waiting so long.

S4

[1:37:00] I was like, I was sure it was going to happen at 16 because when you're a girl, they tell you,

[1:37:05] they, they tell you that you're going to get witch powers.

[1:37:08] Every single medium says that.

[1:37:10] And we were all disappointed.

[1:37:12] We're all still waiting.

[1:37:13] So, today, next year.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:17] The stork from Dumbo will show up late.

[1:37:19] Yeah.

[1:37:19] Like, oh, I was supposed to deliver this years ago.

[1:37:22] Here you go.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:24] What was that?

[1:37:24] What was that TV show where the girl's dad was an alien and she got magic powers out of this world?

[1:37:31] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:31] Yeah.

[1:37:32] Her dad, the voice of Burt Reynolds, was from Venus, I think.

[1:37:36] No.

[1:37:36] Okay.

[1:37:36] Some other planet.

[1:37:37] Not Venus.

[1:37:39] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:40] But that's the same sort of thing.

[1:37:41] She gets witch powers at 16.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:43] Well, she can stop time and all that stuff.

[1:37:45] Yeah.

[1:37:45] And she, she's, I think at the last episode, she revealed she's a sleeper agent to overthrow the government or something.

[1:37:50] And aliens take over the world.

[1:37:52] And they eat our babies, I think.

[1:37:53] Yeah.

[1:37:54] That makes sense.

[1:37:54] Yeah.

[1:37:55] Yeah.

[1:37:56] That's how that ended.

[1:37:56] That's how Small Wonder ended, too.

[1:37:58] Yeah.

[1:37:58] What if the girl from Out of This World, it's a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen type thing.

[1:38:04] It's her, the girl from Small Wonder, Alex Mack.

[1:38:07] Definitely Alex Mack.

[1:38:08] Yeah.

[1:38:08] And then, I guess Clarissa would be the leader.

[1:38:12] She doesn't have any powers, but she kind of like knows everything.

[1:38:14] She can explain it all to them.

[1:38:16] Sabrina would definitely.

[1:38:17] Yeah.

[1:38:17] Sabrina's on it, too.

[1:38:18] That's our team, guys.

[1:38:21] I guess we've answered that question.

[1:38:22] Some Blumhouse fan, make that poster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:25] To answer the other part of the question.

[1:38:27] The League of Extraordinary Teen Girls.

[1:38:28] I've never seen, I feel like that's already an Alan Moore comic book, right?

[1:38:32] But with way more creepy sex.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:35] Yeah.

[1:38:35] That's, yeah.

[1:38:36] I don't want Alan Moore's version of it.

[1:38:37] Yeah.

[1:38:37] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:38:38] To answer the earlier part of that question, I've actually never seen Pretty Woman, but

[1:38:43] I reference it all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:48] I've never seen Dazed and Confused, and I think I never will.

[1:38:53] Well, but I spent, at one time, I took a side job transcribing footage for a documentary

[1:38:59] about the behind the scenes of Dazed and Confused, and I transcribed something like 30 hours of

[1:39:05] footage.

[1:39:06] And so I haven't seen the movie, but I feel like I've seen behind the back of the movie.

[1:39:11] And so I'm like, I get it.

[1:39:12] I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:12] I get the deal.

[1:39:13] I don't need to watch this movie.

[1:39:14] Like, I was doing it as a late night job after my regular day job.

[1:39:19] So it would be really late at night, and I'd be transcribing at times silent footage of night

[1:39:24] shoots of the movie.

[1:39:25] And I started feeling like I was in the footage.

[1:39:27] So not only I've lived Dazed and Confused.

[1:39:30] I don't need to watch it.

[1:39:31] Sure.

[1:39:31] Which is also, this one, when I remember Saving Private Ryan came out, my grandmother said,

[1:39:35] I don't need to watch that.

[1:39:36] I lived it.

[1:39:37] And I was like, you didn't fight in World War II, grandma.

[1:39:39] Like, just like, I was behind enemy lines saving Matt Damon.

[1:39:44] I don't need to see that movie.

[1:39:45] Your grandma sounds cool.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:47] She is very cool.

[1:39:49] I feel like this is not necessarily true of movies that I still haven't seen, but it's

[1:39:53] true of movies that, like, I have, I've seen, but, like, by the time I got around to seeing

[1:39:59] them, they were already in my mind.

[1:40:01] Okay.

[1:40:02] For instance, like, Citizen Kane, I saw the Bobo episode of The Simpsons, and that's basically

[1:40:09] Citizen Kane.

[1:40:10] And so by the time Citizen Kane came around, I'm like, oh, that's what all those jokes in

[1:40:14] The Simpsons were about.

[1:40:15] I get it now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:16] I feel like Simpsons references to movies was the primary way I was introduced to, like,

[1:40:22] classic movies.

[1:40:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:24] I feel like, like, Alien was something where I saw Spaceballs long before I saw Alien.

[1:40:29] Right.

[1:40:29] Yeah, of course you did.

[1:40:30] It's amazing.

[1:40:31] For a long time.

[1:40:32] Yeah, because it's the greatest comedy ever made.

[1:40:34] But, uh, so, like, for a long time it was like, oh, yeah, the movie, but, like, I knew

[1:40:38] there was a movie where an alien popped out of a guy's chest.

[1:40:41] And I knew Spaceballs was making fun of it, but I didn't know that movie.

[1:40:45] Yeah.

[1:40:46] Now, of course, I watch Alien all the time.

[1:40:48] Spaceballs I haven't seen in a while.

[1:40:50] It wasn't pulled up.

[1:40:52] The last time I watched it, a little bit of it, I was like, this is not the movie 12-year-old

[1:40:56] me thought it was.

[1:40:56] Nope.

[1:40:57] Nope.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:57] What about the, but the alien scene?

[1:40:59] That still works, though, right?

[1:41:01] Mm-hmm.

[1:41:01] Because it's John Hurt.

[1:41:02] That's hilarious.

[1:41:03] It's the guy.

[1:41:04] And the puppet's pretty good.

S4

[1:41:05] Yeah, he's doing, like, the Detroit Frog, like, the hell am I?

[1:41:08] Mm-hmm.

[1:41:09] That thing.

[1:41:10] Michigan J-Frog.

[1:41:11] Michigan J-Frog.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:12] Detroit's in Michigan, so she gets partial credit.

[1:41:15] Detroit Frog.

[1:41:16] Robo Frog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:19] He's actually from Lansing.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:21] Oh, God.

[1:41:21] A lot of people don't know that.

[1:41:23] Oh, that's, ugh.

[1:41:25] This last letter is from Ian, last name withheld.

[1:41:29] Ian McKay of Minor Threat, who writes,

[1:41:32] Probably.

[1:41:34] He writes,

[1:41:35] A few months ago, I moved into an apartment just north of Flatbush.

[1:41:39] While coming back from my gym near the southeastern corner of the park, I noticed none other than

[1:41:43] a Popeye's.

[1:41:44] Remembering that the fabled Hencherlin's Bar was nearby, I thought for a moment this might

[1:41:49] be the legendary Popeye's that Elliot would visit before recording episodes.

[1:41:53] After pausing to look upon the Church of Fried Chicken, I realized that, of course, you guys

[1:41:57] didn't all just live near slash above Stewart's Bar in a sitcomic fashion, spilling your triumphs

[1:42:03] and troubles in your spot at the bar every time while embarking upon various shenanigans

[1:42:08] primarily in your three main stages, the bar, the recording room, and the writer's room

[1:42:12] of The Daily Show, where other exasperating employees would always question Stewart's

[1:42:17] routine appearances in the office despite him not working there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:21] That actually kind of feels like the times I've visited you guys at the office.

Dan McCoy

[1:42:27] So, what if there was a sitcom about the Flophouse?

[1:42:30] Would it be multi or single camera?

[1:42:32] What catchphrases would you guys have?

[1:42:34] Would there be an all-musical episode where Elliot's frequent singing infects the entire

[1:42:38] cast?

[1:42:39] How many seasons did Dan's knee jokes last?

[1:42:42] The list goes on.

[1:42:44] Stay peachy.

[1:42:45] Ian's last name withheld.

[1:42:46] So, I just, I mean, I mostly enjoyed the story about him having these delusions about us

[1:42:53] all living in a sitcom-y world where we had, like, three sets that we...

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:00] Yeah, there was a time where we were considering, like, hey, so we do this dumb podcast.

[1:43:06] Could we figure out a way to turn this dumb podcast into a TV show?

[1:43:10] And the version of the show I pitched was basically that, but with, like, an old movie theater.

[1:43:14] So, I think he's pretty close.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:15] We were running an old movie theater, but we could only get bad movies, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:18] Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

[1:43:20] Or, I think it's like Dan and Harrison or something, and we're, like, forced to go with him.

[1:43:26] We're forced to be his butler by a judge decree.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:31] It's something that I hadn't really thought about, but I should have, because describing that where we all live in the same place and we all hang out in the same place, like, growing up as a kid, I wanted that so badly.

[1:43:45] When I would watch, like, a sitcom like Friends or Seinfeld or even, like, Charles in Charge or Saved by the Bell, it was like, oh, they had this one...

[1:43:54] Each character has this one group of friends that's, like, five people.

[1:43:58] They spend all their time together.

[1:44:00] They hang out at the same place.

[1:44:01] They always know they're going to be there.

[1:44:03] Like, it seemed like such a...

[1:44:05] Like, as a kid without a lot of friends, it was like, oh, like, what a beautiful vision where I have this circle of friends who know everything that's going on with me because we're always hanging out.

[1:44:15] We have this one place.

[1:44:16] And I had this fantasy of, like, someday when I'm a grown-up, I'll have, like, a restaurant I go to, and when they see me, they'll know me, and they'll go with the usual, and I'll say yes, and then I'll get the food that I want because that's how it was in sitcoms all the time.

[1:44:30] And then growing up, I'm like, that sounds terrible.

[1:44:33] It's like you're trapped in a relationship prison.

[1:44:36] You only go to one place, and you only know, like, five people.

[1:44:38] Like, where's the rest of your life?

S4

[1:44:41] Yeah, it's kind of depressing when people actually know what you're going to order at a restaurant.

[1:44:44] Like, oh, I should go somewhere else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:46] Yeah.

[1:44:46] Or try one of the other things on the menu.

[1:44:48] Yeah.

[1:44:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:49] Yeah, as an adult watching, like, Friends or something, I find that so baffling.

[1:44:54] Like, just like, the idea that these five people just hang out at the same coffee shop all the time just horrifies me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:00] And they also live across the hall from each other.

[1:45:03] So it's like, me and my roommates and the guys across the hall, their roommates, you know what?

[1:45:08] Let's go hang out at the coffee shop together because we're all friends.

[1:45:11] Like, they don't see anyone else.

[1:45:12] They're always around each other.

[1:45:14] It's like you would get so mad at these people.

[1:45:16] Like, you need –

[1:45:17] I mean, I think –

[1:45:18] I think there was an episode –

[1:45:20] I love to be in this closed universe, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:23] There's got to be at least one episode where an outsider explains that, like, it's dating – I don't know – Chandlo?

[1:45:29] Is that one of the characters?

[1:45:32] Yeah, Chandlo the Magnificent.

[1:45:34] Yeah.

[1:45:34] Somebody tells Chandlo, like –

[1:45:36] Yeah, JoJo the Dogface Boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:37] His friends take place at a circus.

[1:45:40] It's a carnival midway that they all work at.

[1:45:45] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:46] Yeah, so I think there's an episode where somebody's like, you got to stop hanging out with Jimbo and Pheebs and, I don't know, Monaco.

[1:45:57] Raytron.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:59] And Rossigator.

[1:46:02] Yeah, yeah.

[1:46:03] Well, there was – there's that Seinfeld episode where Elaine hangs out with the bizarro Seinfeld characters.

[1:46:08] Yeah.

[1:46:08] And they're nice people.

[1:46:09] But it was like, oh, yeah, there's no reason these characters can't hang out with other people, you know.

[1:46:15] But you also see – my wife and I have been watching some early episodes of Seinfeld, and you see, like, there are more extra characters.

[1:46:22] Like, the characters will talk about other friends that they have much more than in later episodes where they were just like, whatever.

[1:46:28] It's just these four people.

[1:46:29] They're the only ones they know.

[1:46:31] So they're probably, like, in hell, and this is, you know, what their punishment is.

[1:46:35] They're stuck in this world.

[1:46:37] Yeah.

[1:46:38] Yeah.

S4

[1:46:39] It's a baby episode.

[1:46:40] They've got a friend and a baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:41] They've got another friend.

[1:46:42] Yeah, there's another friend.

[1:46:44] Where, like, Elaine has a roommate early on.

[1:46:46] Yeah.

[1:46:46] And you never – and the character, like, kind of disappears after a certain point.

[1:46:49] Yeah.

[1:46:49] But also, it's really depressing.

[1:46:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:51] Later on, you notice – I don't know if you noticed this, but in later episodes, later seasons, at the end, there's the production logo for Bad Robot.

[1:46:57] And at that point, I'm like, they're in purgatory.

[1:47:01] That's the secret.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:04] There's got to be a twist, of course.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:05] Got me again, Lindelof.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:08] The other thing about watching Seinfeld now is it's depressing how young the characters seem to me now, where I'm, like, watching it as a kid.

[1:47:16] I was like, oh, these are grownups, and they're, like, adults, and they're, like, probably, like, my parents' age.

[1:47:20] And now to watch it now, and there's one episode where George is like, I'm 33.

[1:47:24] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[1:47:25] And I'm like, wait, what?

[1:47:27] Like, this is – and I'm like, well, I am a married man with a child.

[1:47:30] He looks great.

[1:47:32] Yeah.

[1:47:34] They also all dress – their clothes are crazy, which is hilarious.

[1:47:37] Anyway, Seinfeld.

[1:47:38] I don't know if you guys have heard of it.

[1:47:39] Try it out.

[1:47:41] Maybe that's my recommendation.

[1:47:42] Oh, wow.

[1:47:43] Speaking of recommendations.

[1:47:44] It starts the mom from Brain Smasher.

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:47] Oh, yeah.

[1:47:48] And, I mean, and Terry Hatcher from Brain Smasher.

[1:47:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:52] Yeah, she's in two episodes.

[1:47:53] Yeah, yeah.

[1:47:54] There's an episode – so doing my Brain Smasher looking up, where I was just looking up what the other actors were in.

[1:48:00] I saw that the actor who plays Woo was in an episode of Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman.

[1:48:04] And I started trying to think about what his relationship with Terry Hatcher was like.

[1:48:08] Like, at first I was like, oh, that must have been really fun that they were reunited after being in Brain Smasher.

[1:48:13] And I'm like, but maybe, like, maybe she was really, like, not nice to him.

[1:48:17] And they didn't get along.

[1:48:19] And now he's like, oh, I got to work with her again.

[1:48:20] Or she was, like, rubbing it in his face that she was the lead on a network show.

[1:48:24] And he wasn't, like – I just – I kept getting caught up in my fan fiction of their behind-the-scenes interactions.

S4

[1:48:30] I think they were having an affair.

[1:48:32] Really? You think so?

[1:48:33] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:34] I mean, it's an intense movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:38] Brain Smasher? Yeah, a lot of love affairs on that set.

[1:48:41] Yeah.

[1:48:41] They called them the Brain Smasher babies, the babies that were born of the illicit love affairs from behind the scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:47] Sure. I think they tried to make that into a movie with Vin Diesel.

[1:48:50] We did an episode on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:52] Brain Smasher babies?

[1:48:53] Yeah.

[1:48:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48:55] It was adapted into Babylon AD, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:58] Oh, that was the lost episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:00] Okay.

[1:49:01] Hey, guys.

[1:49:02] Let's do our last segment, which is called Recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:06] Okay.

[1:49:07] Why don't we do that?

Dan McCoy

[1:49:08] Movies that we've seen recently or not so recently that we liked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:12] Hey, do you need a second on that?

[1:49:14] I second that motion.

[1:49:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:16] Do you need to vote on it?

[1:49:17] I think the motion has passed.

[1:49:20] Not proper procedure, but okay.

[1:49:23] I'll go first, I guess.

[1:49:25] I watched a movie.

[1:49:28] I went out and saw a little film recently called Upgrade, starring a guy who looks just like Tom Hardy.

[1:49:37] Like, I seriously spent the entire film thinking that I was watching Tom Hardy.

[1:49:41] Oh, I thought that was Tom Hardy in that movie.

S4

[1:49:44] Yeah, Logan Marshall Green.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:45] Logan Marshall Green.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:46] I just saw the trailer, and I thought it was, at first when I saw the trailer, I thought it was a trailer for Venom.

S4

[1:49:50] Which is, yeah, because, like, Venom, it's kind of a similar glory line, actually.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:55] Yeah.

[1:49:56] Yeah.

[1:49:56] I would consider this, the symbiote is a bit of an upgrade, right, guys?

[1:50:01] Sure.

[1:50:02] I mean, not with the effects in the trailer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:06] But the effects in the trailer look like he ate too much Gushers, and that's what's, like, splurting out of him all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:13] Tom Hardy's normal face is scarier than that weird Venom face.

[1:50:17] Yes, you're right.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:18] So, Upgrade, though, is about a, you know, future world where Logan Marshall Green's wife gets killed,

[1:50:29] and he gets turned into a quadriplegic by these street goons, and he wants to take them out,

[1:50:37] and he gets the opportunity to do so because he's given an upgrade by a guy who implants this stem chip in his back.

[1:50:49] Okay.

[1:50:50] And, uh...

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:51] Dan, I'm only laughing because you were, it seemed like you were really going through the motions describing the plot until you got to the upgrade,

[1:50:57] and then you were very excited about it.

[1:51:03] And, uh...

Dan McCoy

[1:51:04] So, I mean, it feels like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:05] Yeah, it's like you remembered, like, something awesome's about to happen.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:12] Oh, yeah, the upgrade.

[1:51:13] Cool.

[1:51:18] It's interesting, though, because, like, it's set up to be this, um...

[1:51:22] This normal, like, revenge movie, and it does a few interesting things.

[1:51:28] Like, the guy in it is kind of not necessarily that into the idea of having revenge.

[1:51:33] Like, he wants to go about it in, like, kind of a more normal way,

[1:51:37] but he sort of gets forced into taking revenge in an interesting way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:42] It's a real seeking justice, is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:45] Uh, no.

[1:51:47] I'm not saying that at all.

[1:51:48] Uh, and it takes...

[1:51:50] Is it like an eye spit on your grave?

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:52] No.

[1:51:54] There's no, like...

[1:51:55] It's a real Mr. Payback.

Dan McCoy

[1:51:57] Okay, yeah.

[1:51:58] None of these are accurate.

[1:52:00] Um...

[1:52:01] Okay, is it just Payback, then?

[1:52:04] Yes, it's exactly like Payback, the remake of Point Blank.

[1:52:09] Um, no, it's, uh...

[1:52:11] It does some things that are...

[1:52:13] Like, the movie is dumb in the best way,

[1:52:16] but it does some, like, things that are smart in ways that I didn't expect.

[1:52:20] Like, for instance, there's a cop character who's on the tail of the lead character

[1:52:25] who's a lot brighter than cop characters in these type of movies are,

[1:52:29] and she actually, you know, like, really kind of is on him from the start.

[1:52:35] And the guy who gives him the upgrade is not just like,

[1:52:38] I'm gonna give you this technology and I'm gonna, like, let it go.

[1:52:42] He's like, no, I'm gonna give you this technology and I'm gonna monitor what the hell you're doing with it.

[1:52:47] Uh, which is kind of an interesting wrinkle to what goes on in the movie.

[1:52:51] And the movie just surprises me in a lot of ways.

[1:52:53] Like, it goes places that I'm not...

[1:52:55] I wasn't suspecting.

[1:52:56] And it feels like a really kind of grungy, 1980s-style, low-budget, uh, kind of, uh, science fiction movie

[1:53:06] with even, like, a few horror overtones.

[1:53:08] And it's really splattery and gross in a certain way that I wasn't expecting.

[1:53:12] And it's just a lot of fun.

[1:53:14] And so, if you like B-movies of a kind that they don't really make anymore,

[1:53:19] I recommend Upgrade.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:21] Yeah, I think this one's up my alley.

[1:53:22] I haven't seen it yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:53:23] Yeah, I think you would like it, Stu.

[1:53:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:26] Uh, I'll go next.

[1:53:28] Uh, I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna recommend a movie I saw recently

[1:53:30] that I probably should have watched a while ago.

[1:53:33] Uh, and that's, uh, Macon Blair's movie

[1:53:36] I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore, I think, is the title.

[1:53:40] It's a very long one and I could have fucked it up.

[1:53:43] Uh, Macon Blair is a longtime collaborator with, uh, Jeremy Saulnier, or Saulnier,

[1:53:48] who made, uh, previous Stuart Wellington recommendations,

[1:53:52] Murder Party, Green Room, and Blue Ruin.

[1:53:55] Uh, this...

[1:53:56] Uh, this movie stars Melanie Linsky, who is...

[1:54:00] I don't know.

[1:54:02] I feel like one of the most underrated working actors out there.

[1:54:07] Like, I think it's kind of...

[1:54:08] It's kind of criminal that she hasn't gotten all the awards for everything,

[1:54:12] because she's always great.

[1:54:14] Uh, she...

[1:54:16] So she plays the lead, and she plays a woman kind of stuck in a life,

[1:54:22] uh, that she doesn't seem particularly happy with,

[1:54:25] and she's going through the motions, and she's kind of...

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:27] You might even say she doesn't feel at home in this world anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:30] You might even say that.

[1:54:31] I mean, I wouldn't say that.

[1:54:33] Um, and she's kind of, like, woken up out of this

[1:54:36] by, uh, by somebody burglarizing her home,

[1:54:41] and that leads her down a path where she, uh, gets mixed up with some, uh, stuff that happens.

[1:54:52] Uh, I'm trying to be big, because I think she gets an upgrade.

[1:54:57] That upgrade's name is Elijah Wood, uh, who is fun in the movie.

[1:55:02] And there's also...

[1:55:03] There is, um...

[1:55:05] And it's...

[1:55:06] Megan Blair obviously shares, uh, a sensibility with Jeremy Saulnier.

[1:55:11] So, like, when violence happens, it is shocking and horrible.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:16] Um, and splattery, Dan.

[1:55:19] And, uh...

[1:55:20] I like splattery.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:21] And I also want to point out that the, uh, the...

[1:55:24] One of the villains is played by David Yao from The Jesus Lizard,

[1:55:28] who, uh, does this great, like, crazy performance.

[1:55:34] And it reminds me a bit of, uh, Dwight Yoakam from Panic Room,

[1:55:38] in that I was, like, like, just super freaked out by this guy.

[1:55:42] I don't know.

[1:55:43] It's hard to explain.

[1:55:44] Uh, but yeah.

[1:55:45] Uh, if you liked...

[1:55:46] If you liked any of the movies that I've mentioned in this recommendation,

[1:55:49] uh, you should totally watch it.

[1:55:51] And it's on Netflix.

[1:55:51] So just watch it, dummy.

[1:55:54] Hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:55] Okay.

[1:55:56] Uh, April, have you seen anything recently that you'd recommend?

[1:55:59] Or...

[1:55:59] Yeah, I don't...

S4

[1:56:00] I mean, did you guys already recommend Revenge?

[1:56:03] Or on any of your...

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:05] No.

[1:56:05] Not yet.

[1:56:06] I keep meaning to watch it, but I haven't had a chance.

S4

[1:56:09] Revenge is...

[1:56:10] I...

[1:56:10] Okay, so I'm a huge fan of rape and rape movies.

[1:56:14] Uh, and studying them and being, like, uh,

[1:56:18] taking a feminist lens and looking at...

[1:56:20] Why they exist and what their functional purpose is.

[1:56:25] This one is, um, directed by Coralie Fargeat.

[1:56:28] And it is amazing.

[1:56:30] It is, like...

[1:56:31] God, how do I...

[1:56:33] It's equal parts, like, suspenseful and then just what the fuck.

[1:56:37] Like, you think it's gonna go on a normal trajectory of a rape or revenge movie?

[1:56:41] And then things just get fucking insane.

[1:56:43] There's, like, a self-surgery scene.

[1:56:46] She brands herself.

[1:56:48] There's, like, um...

[1:56:49] All of these moments of just so much blood that there's no way that any human could have that much blood.

[1:56:57] Yes!

[1:56:59] And there's one...

[1:57:02] You have to say, there's one scene with glass in the bottom of a foot, which is both hilarious and just...

[1:57:10] I had to look away.

[1:57:10] And I never look away from movies.

[1:57:12] I've walked from one of these.

[1:57:13] And I actually felt sick to my stomach and laughed at the same time.

[1:57:17] And it's brightly colored.

[1:57:20] And I...

[1:57:21] The ending is just pitch perfect.

[1:57:23] It's so good.

[1:57:24] So much blood.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:25] Wait, the ending turns into the movie pitch perfect.

[1:57:27] Yes.

S4

[1:57:28] It turns into the movie...

[1:57:30] Which is Drew Barrymore, correct?

[1:57:32] Right?

[1:57:32] No.

[1:57:33] No, that's that one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:34] That's never been kissed.

[1:57:36] Yes.

[1:57:37] And she was in that one with...

[1:57:39] With, uh...

[1:57:40] Jimmy Fallon, right?

[1:57:42] That's in a Jimmy Fallon.

[1:57:42] Red Sox fans.

[1:57:43] No, no.

[1:57:44] Fever Pitch, sorry.

[1:57:45] Fever Pitch.

[1:57:46] Yeah, yeah.

S4

[1:57:47] Fever Pitch.

[1:57:47] Oh, it's a lot.

[1:57:49] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:49] Pitch Perfect is the blockbuster...

[1:57:51] Anna Kendrick acapella.

[1:57:53] ...acapella music series.

[1:57:56] That's what that's called?

Stuart Wellington

[1:57:58] Yes.

[1:58:00] Wow.

[1:58:02] Somebody slapped on the DVD box.

[1:58:05] That's what that's called?

[1:58:06] That's what it's called.

[1:58:07] Raves April Wolf.

S4

[1:58:09] You can tell what movies I review.

[1:58:11] Not...

[1:58:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:13] I remember my mom's review of Pitch Perfect 2, which was...

[1:58:16] She texted me and she goes,

[1:58:17] I saw your friends John Hodgman and Jason Jones in a movie.

[1:58:19] Wasn't very good.

[1:58:23] Like, well, I guess I'll tell my friends that you didn't like the movie they did for money.

S4

[1:58:27] I have a lot of friends who love those movies.

[1:58:30] I think that I prefer a lot of blood.

[1:58:33] Mm-hmm.

[1:58:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:58:34] I've got to...

[1:58:34] So, Revenge.

[1:58:37] Revenge.

[1:58:37] Please watch Revenge.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:39] It's amazing.

[1:58:39] I think it's...

[1:58:40] I think it's streamable.

[1:58:42] Yeah, it is.

[1:58:43] What's it streaming on?

[1:58:45] Like, I don't know, Amazon or your cable package?

Dan McCoy

[1:58:48] Oh, okay.

[1:58:49] Yeah.

[1:58:49] I know you can...

[1:58:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:49] I'm the man.

[1:58:50] You can definitely rent it from iTunes.

[1:58:52] I've considered doing so multiple times.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:55] Yeah.

[1:58:55] So, support gross movies.

[1:58:58] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:59] I feel like that would be your celebrity charity.

[1:59:02] Yeah.

[1:59:05] I'm going to recommend the movie that...

[1:59:07] I think...

[1:59:08] I wasn't thinking of it this way, but now I am.

[1:59:10] I think it's maybe the 1940s version of Brain Smasher, a love story in some ways.

[1:59:17] It's not...

[1:59:17] Don't get too excited.

[1:59:18] It's not really.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59:19] Which is a movie called Journey into Fear, starring Joseph Cotton, with Orson Welles in a small part,

[1:59:24] and then there's just, like, all the other people who were in kind of the Orson Welles Mercury Theater acting group.

[1:59:31] And Joseph Cotton is an American munitions worker, executive, who's in Europe.

[1:59:37] World War II is broken out.

[1:59:38] It's 1943, and someone wants to kill him.

[1:59:41] And it's just kind of him on the run, interacting with various kooky characters,

[1:59:46] and never really understanding what's going on at any given point.

[1:59:51] And there's...

[1:59:51] This movie, it's super short.

[1:59:53] It's like an hour and 15 minutes.

[1:59:55] And it feels like one of these beat-the-devil type movies,

[1:59:58] where they're just kind of, like, making it up as they went and enjoying it themselves.

[2:00:02] And there's a really great final action scene where it's a shootout on a...

[2:00:07] In the rain on a ledge outside of a building, where Joseph Cotton is...

[2:00:13] You're supposed to believe that Joseph Cotton is going to have trouble taking down

[2:00:17] what is maybe the fattest assassin I've ever seen in a movie.

[2:00:21] But it's like...

[2:00:23] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:23] Dan Aykroyd was in Gross Point Blank.

[2:00:26] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:26] He's bigger than...

[2:00:27] Come on.

[2:00:28] That's...

[2:00:28] I mean, sure.

[2:00:29] Okay.

[2:00:29] That's a...

[2:00:30] Okay.

[2:00:30] Fair point.

[2:00:31] But...

[2:00:31] I know you're...

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:32] When you think of...

[2:00:33] When you think of Dan Aykroyd, you probably think of Ray Stance from the real Ghostbusters

[2:00:38] cartoon.

[2:00:39] But that's not what he looks like.

[2:00:41] I guess he is kind of fat, too, in that one.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:45] That's not what he looks like now.

[2:00:46] He's not even a cartoon anymore.

[2:00:49] Now, I know if you're me, when you think Dan Aykroyd, you think of a Beldar from the Coneheads movie.

[2:00:55] He doesn't look like that anymore.

[2:00:56] He had his head sanded down.

[2:01:00] Now, if you're like me, I know what you're thinking.

[2:01:03] Dan Aykroyd, you're thinking of Exit to Eden.

[2:01:05] He doesn't have a mustache anymore.

[2:01:06] He shaved it off.

[2:01:07] He doesn't have that.

[2:01:09] He's no longer wearing bondage gear.

[2:01:12] All the time.

[2:01:14] But it's the same way that Brain Smasher is like a very...

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:17] I think Exit to Eden is similar to Brain Smasher in that I think the only way you can watch it is by renting it on YouTube.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:27] Or having a fever dream.

[2:01:30] Yeah.

[2:01:31] Now, all I can imagine is what if Dollman showed up in Exit to Eden?

[2:01:34] What a strange movie that would be.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:37] Yeah, he ends up painting Rosie O'Donnell's house at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01:44] That's a movie...

[2:01:45] Exit to Eden is very of its time in that it has a jewel robbery plot line at a time where it was like, well, we're doing a comedy.

[2:01:52] I guess somebody's going to steal some jewels.

[2:01:55] How else are we going to have a comedy plot if there's no jewels that get stolen?

[2:01:59] The same way that whenever characters in a sitcom would go overseas in a Sweep's Week episode or movie, they'd always get mixed up with spies.

[2:02:08] I don't know how we're going to explain that the Family Ties crew is in Europe unless they get mixed up with spies at some point.

[2:02:15] Like someone's luggage has got to get mixed up with some spies.

Stuart Wellington

[2:02:17] I feel like that did wonders for traveler's checks or something.

[2:02:23] Because every time people went overseas, they're like, it's a hotbed of intrigue over there.

[2:02:29] I want to protect my cash with these traveler's checks.

[2:02:32] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02:35] So anyway, the same way that Brain Smasher is a very fun but pretty dumb kind of late 80s, early 90s type of direct-to-video action movie,

[2:02:46] Journey into Fear is a very fun but kind of dumb 40s spy thriller in a way that the movie, you can tell that it's like, the movie doesn't really care that much.

[2:02:59] What the spy thriller is and the characters never quite know what's going on.

[2:03:04] And you're not talking about Wages of Fear.

[2:03:07] No, not Wages of Fear, the movie about truckers who are moving explosives through a jungle.

[2:03:12] That's very different.

[2:03:13] It's a very different movie.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03:14] Okay, I get confused.

[2:03:16] Sorcerer, which I've never seen.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03:18] Oh, it's great.

[2:03:19] But Journey into Fear, which is – it feels like they took a real spy story and then like joked it up in a way where –

[2:03:29] nobody really knows what's going on.

[2:03:31] Nobody really cares.

[2:03:32] But it looks really good.

[2:03:33] Joseph Cotton is great as a kind of like a bumbling hero.

[2:03:36] Is that the one that ends with the thing about the cake?

[2:03:39] No, no.

[2:03:39] That's Ministry of Fear.

[2:03:40] Okay.

[2:03:41] Ministry of Fear is a great movie too.

[2:03:43] Ministry of Fear, the first half hour of that is so creepy to me because the guy –

[2:03:48] Ray Moland wins a cake at a village kind of like fair and then he leaves and everyone is trying to kill him and he has no idea why.

[2:03:56] And as soon as they explain what the deal is with the cake, it stops being quite as creepy.

[2:04:00] But then, yeah, he has to – he's an ordinary guy who I think – I forget what he's – what kind of trauma.

[2:04:05] He was just released from a mental institution.

[2:04:07] Now he's being chased by people and they're shooting at him and he has to kill a man at the end.

[2:04:11] And it ends with a joke about what he's going to serve at his wedding.

[2:04:14] Like the same way that The Uninvited also with Ray Moland is a genuinely scoopy ghost – scoopy.

[2:04:21] Genuinely spooky.

[2:04:22] It's made of ice cream.

[2:04:23] It's also scoopy.

[2:04:26] It's a genuinely spooky ghost movie that ends with a mother-in-law joke.

[2:04:30] It's like Ray Moland.

[2:04:31] I don't know what's with your movies.

[2:04:32] They always have – I wonder if Ray Moland was like, look, my thing is I end all my movies with a bad – like kind of hacky joke.

[2:04:40] And Billy Wilder is like, I don't want to end Lost Weekend with like a hacky joke about like, oh boy, I'm going to have a headache tomorrow.

[2:04:46] And Ray Moland is like, well, I'm walking off the picture then.

[2:04:48] And Billy Wilder is like, look, we'll just shoot it.

[2:04:52] We'll cut it from the final version of the movie.

[2:04:54] He'll never know.

[2:04:55] And then at the premiere, I imagine Ray Moland is sitting next to like, I don't know, like Betty Davis or something.

[2:05:01] And he keeps nudging her in the ribs with his elbows like, pretty rough stuff.

[2:05:05] But watch out.

[2:05:05] It's going to be funny in the end.

[2:05:06] Like, watch out.

[2:05:07] Here it comes.

[2:05:08] And then the movie cuts to the end without the joke.

[2:05:10] And Ray Moland is pissed.

[2:05:12] He's like, what the fuck?

[2:05:13] Like, what happened?

[2:05:14] And Betty Davis is like, just settle down, Ray.

[2:05:16] And he's like, this is an outrage.

[2:05:17] And probably tries to fight Billy Wilder.

[2:05:20] And like, I don't know.

[2:05:21] So, you know, one of – like, who's – I don't know what really big,

[2:05:25] movie star who has to stop Ray Moland would be there.

[2:05:28] Like a tall guy.

[2:05:29] Gary Cooper, maybe.

[2:05:30] I don't know.

[2:05:32] Anyway, so Journey into Fear or go see Ministry of Fear.

[2:05:36] That's really good.

[2:05:36] And by go see, I mean stream it from somewhere.

[2:05:39] It's not in the theaters right now.

[2:05:40] It's a 70-year-old movie.

Stuart Wellington

[2:05:42] Go to your local library and ask to borrow the movie.

Dan McCoy

[2:05:46] Yeah, don't take my word for it.

[2:05:47] You're going to Deadpool 2 and you demand to see Ministry of Fear.

Stuart Wellington

[2:05:51] Go to Deadpool 2, whip out your smartphone, and watch Ministry of Fear.

Dan McCoy

[2:05:56] I feel like –

[2:05:57] Yeah, really loud, too.

[2:05:59] Oh, man.

[2:06:01] Well, this has been great, guys.

[2:06:03] And I mean that sincerely.

[2:06:05] Even though every time you say, this has been great, guys, it sounds ironic.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06:09] Sounds like you're about to dump us.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06:11] Yeah.

[2:06:12] Yeah.

[2:06:12] It's been great, but Dan's met a different podcast.

[2:06:19] It's about basketball.

[2:06:20] Dan's into basketball now.

[2:06:23] It's called The Dunk House.

[2:06:26] The Dunk House.

[2:06:28] They drink Dunkin' Donuts and talk about basketball.

[2:06:32] Yeah.

[2:06:33] And Dunkin' Munch.

[2:06:34] Come on.

[2:06:34] Continue the bit, Dan.

[2:06:35] I started it.

[2:06:37] Dan, guess and this shit.

Dan McCoy

[2:06:38] No, I was just – I was thinking about how great it would be to do a podcast where I was eating Dunkin' Donuts and drinking Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06:46] Hey, Dan, let me – let me just tell you.

[2:06:49] That's within your power.

[2:06:51] Okay.

[2:06:52] You don't have to wait until you find a genie's lamp to make that happen.

[2:06:58] Don't lie awake at night just wishing, oh, if only.

[2:07:01] If only I lived in a world where I had a podcast where I ate Dunkin' Donuts and drank coffee.

[2:07:06] If only – but I guess this is a veil of –

[2:07:08] tears that we exist in.

[2:07:10] That's too beautiful for this world.

[2:07:12] I suppose maybe in the next one.

[2:07:15] Somewhere, there's some alternate universe where the stars align just right and that universe is Dan McCoy.

[2:07:21] Gets to do a Dunkin' Donuts podcast, but here, it just wasn't meant to be.

[2:07:26] Right.

[2:07:27] It's not in the cards, Dan.

[2:07:28] You say as you look in the mirror at yourself.

[2:07:31] Sure.

[2:07:32] Sure.

[2:07:32] We'd all like those kinds of things, but if wishes were fishes.

[2:07:36] You know what I mean?

[2:07:42] Well, you make a good –

[2:07:42] Wow, those inspiring words.

[2:07:46] You make a good point.

[2:07:47] So, Dan, Dan, you go out and you make that happen.

[2:07:50] You make that Dunkin' Donuts podcast.

Dan McCoy

[2:07:54] Well, in the meantime –

[2:07:56] April, thank you very much for joining us.

[2:07:57] Yeah.

S4

[2:07:58] Hey, before we –

[2:07:59] It was fun.

[2:08:00] I forgot sometimes I was on it.

[2:08:02] I was just excited to listen.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:04] Oh, thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[2:08:06] That's kind of how I feel most of the time, April.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:09] And I just –

[2:08:10] I think of reality as a TV show that I'm the star of, so I'm always talking.

[2:08:14] April, is there anything you want to plug?

S4

[2:08:18] Yes.

[2:08:19] There's a lot of things I would like to plug.

[2:08:21] Please plug them.

[2:08:23] How about the podcast?

[2:08:25] I'll mention those again so that Maxon likes me.

[2:08:29] You should listen to Switchblade Sisters.

[2:08:32] Yes.

[2:08:32] I've heard a lot of women filmmakers about their favorite genre film, and that's very fun.

[2:08:38] I have no idea what would be on the episode coming out when this comes out, but it will be very fun.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:45] And there's a lot available, so people can just listen to whatever they want to.

S4

[2:08:50] Yeah, you can go back into the back catalog and really dig in.

[2:08:53] We do a lot of craft talk, so if you're in some nerdy stuff where you need to learn how films

[2:08:58] are made, that's kind of my area.

[2:09:01] And then Who Shot Ya?

[2:09:03] is another podcast with movies, stuff.

[2:09:06] And that's hosted by Ricky Caramona, who is a very funny man.

[2:09:10] Yeah.

[2:09:10] And I get to be basically the straight woman.

[2:09:13] I can interject with trivia and facts because that's what I'm really good at.

Dan McCoy

[2:09:22] Yeah.

[2:09:23] No, I mean, I understand about being the straight person.

[2:09:26] It's a valuable thing.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09:28] Dan, stop talking about that stuff right now.

[2:09:32] This is April's time to shine.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:34] Yeah.

[2:09:35] Dan's like, yeah, yeah.

[2:09:36] I know what that's like.

[2:09:37] I was going to do a Dunkin' Donuts podcast.

[2:09:40] But I'm so busy with this one.

[2:09:42] I'm coming back.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09:44] Yeah.

[2:09:46] Yeah.

[2:09:46] Off camera, you can see Stuart Nelly being like, I don't know if you can handle a Dunkin' Donuts

[2:09:51] podcast, dude.

[2:09:52] You got a lot on your plate.

Dan McCoy

[2:09:58] Is there anything else you want to plug before we go?

[2:10:01] No.

[2:10:02] Okay.

[2:10:04] I was very definitive.

[2:10:05] Yeah.

[2:10:06] Even the idea of plugging other things.

[2:10:07] It's too much.

[2:10:08] I don't want to.

[2:10:10] We won't force you to then.

[2:10:13] Although, I don't know what that would look like.

[2:10:14] He's like demanding you plug something.

[2:10:16] Come up with a product.

[2:10:18] Talk about how good it is.

[2:10:21] Yeah.

[2:10:21] So, this has been great, guys.

[2:10:23] Thank you, as always.

[2:10:24] Dan, are you breaking up with us?

[2:10:25] For being here.

[2:10:28] But, we got to go now, as we always do.

[2:10:32] Because, otherwise, we'll be in your ears forever.

[2:10:39] That's true.

[2:10:39] We're podcasting.

Stuart Wellington

[2:10:40] Dan and I have been drinking, okay?

Dan McCoy

[2:10:44] Yeah, Dan and I have been drinking.

[2:10:46] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[2:10:47] What?

[2:10:48] Do you want to build a rapport with me, Dan?

[2:10:49] No.

Dan McCoy

[2:10:51] We've been hanging out for the last hour.

[2:10:53] If the rapport hasn't been built, then we're in deep trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10:56] And you've known each other for, what, about 20 years now?

Dan McCoy

[2:10:58] Oh, yeah.

[2:11:01] Oh, wow.

[2:11:02] Is that true?

[2:11:03] I don't know.

[2:11:04] How old were you?

[2:11:05] I guess so.

[2:11:07] I mean, almost 20 years.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11:10] Yeah.

[2:11:10] I'm glad we got to the fucking bottom of this one.

[2:11:14] MaximumFun.org.

[2:11:15] Comedy and culture.

[2:11:16] Artist owned.

Dan McCoy

[2:11:18] Listener supported.

Ep.#260 - Brain Smasher... A Love Story

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