Ep.#260 - Brain Smasher... A Love Story

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Brain Smasher, a love story.

[0:05] The sequel to Hand Warmer, a glove story.

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] Oh man, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] I like the excitement that Stuart is revving up for this episode.

[0:45] And I'm Elliot Kalin. Excited Elliot, they call me.

[0:48] Oh man, it's him, Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] Oh boy.

[0:52] The original bad boy.

[0:53] And who's, wait, who's that in the distance?

[0:55] You know this is going to be some trouble.

[0:56] Is that person in the distance Stuart Wellington? No.

[0:59] We have a guest tonight, and that guest is...

[1:03] I'm April Woolf.

[1:04] Thank you.

[1:07] She responded to our cue like a real pro.

[1:11] And I'm a pretty professional director.

[1:14] Yeah, you're right.

[1:16] You're a real Ron Howard.

[1:18] Whoa, dude.

[1:20] I want to see the movie Stuart directs where he's like,

[1:22] okay, you walk in and you have to announce yourself at the top of the scene.

[1:27] This is the end of the movie.

[1:28] I'm sure people know who I am.

[1:29] No, no, no, you've got to announce yourself every time.

[1:32] Okay, hello, I'm Clive Owen.

[1:33] No, that's not how you sound, Clive Owen.

[1:38] So, should one of us say who April Woolf is,

[1:41] or should April Woolf say who April Woolf is?

[1:44] What's the best way of doing this?

[1:46] I can go in the other room while you guys decide.

[1:49] Well, I'll tell you what, Dan.

[1:51] We'll all vote, but we'll vote silently in our minds.

[1:54] Okay.

[1:55] That's a topical joke because tomorrow is a big primary election in California,

[2:00] where I live and where April also lives.

[2:02] That's great.

[2:03] And this episode is coming out tomorrow then?

[2:05] It's coming out way late, actually.

[2:08] We've got one in the pipeline before this,

[2:10] so it's going to come out at the end of this month.

[2:12] Well, I'll mention that April is an actual real live film critic

[2:17] who actually knows what she's talking about with movies

[2:20] and not like a bunch of usses just kind of yammering on about whatever.

[2:26] And you may know her from such other MaxFun podcasts

[2:30] as the Who Shot Ya podcast or Switchblade Sisters,

[2:33] which are both great, and you should go listen to them now.

[2:35] But listen to this first, then go,

[2:37] oh boy, guys, I almost sabotaged our episode.

[2:40] So, April, have you been brought on almost like the Adjustment Bureau

[2:44] to come on and correct all the errors we've made with Matt Damon and whatnot?

[2:49] Yeah, that's exactly it.

[2:51] What's the tagline for that movie?

[2:53] Your life got adjusted.

[2:55] Your life got adjusted.

[2:56] I thought the tagline was don't trust a guy wearing a hat.

[3:00] Yeah, and April is wearing a magic fedora right now.

[3:05] That allows her entry into, what, the adjusting world?

[3:08] Did anyone see?

[3:09] I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know.

[3:11] Yeah, I did see it, and I've forgotten everything about it.

[3:15] It's kind of like that special world in the real Ghostbusters cartoon

[3:18] that the boogeyman lives in, which is connected by, like, what,

[3:21] closets or under beds?

[3:23] Okay.

[3:24] Yeah, I think that's the whole story.

[3:27] I thought the Adjustment Bureau was just like a bunch of people in fedoras

[3:31] who, like, rotated your tires or something.

[3:34] Yep, it's a guy who comes in and fixes all your bureaus and drawers.

[3:40] Like, oh, this drawer is a little sticky.

[3:43] It's sticking a little bit.

[3:44] Let's call in this guy, and he comes in with his magic fedora

[3:47] and, what, kind of, like, waves his hand a little bit, and it fixes.

[3:50] Yep.

[3:51] Are they angels or something?

[3:54] So the movie we watched is The Adjustment Bureau, right?

[3:57] I was like, wait, was I supposed to watch that?

[4:01] I mean, I think everyone was supposed to watch it,

[4:04] but I don't think everyone did.

[4:06] I think the producers of The Adjustment Bureau would have preferred, yeah,

[4:08] if everybody had watched it.

[4:10] Yeah.

[4:11] But, no, we did not watch that, and this podcast is a bad movie podcast.

[4:17] The Adjustment Bureau certainly doesn't fall under that rubric.

[4:21] Yeah, we're not here to talk about American classics.

[4:24] We're here to talk about, what, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:27] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[4:30] And because we have a special guest in Miss April Wolf,

[4:36] she chose the movie that we watched.

[4:39] The what?

[4:40] Dan, were you about to say, what were you about to watch?

[4:42] The podcast that we watched?

[4:43] Yes, I was about to say that.

[4:44] I was going to say, yeah.

[4:45] I was like, either Dan's about to say the pot roast that we watched,

[4:49] which doesn't make sense, or he's going to say the podcast,

[4:52] because over the years he's had trouble telling the difference in the words

[4:56] that he uses between movies and podcasts.

[4:58] Elliot, a watched pot roast never boils.

[5:01] Wait, so it never boils?

[5:03] Wow, you just crushed that joke.

[5:05] Dan, I think you'll find that even if you don't watch a pot roast,

[5:09] it's probably not going to go boiling.

[5:12] All right, so we watched a guest selection, in this case,

[5:18] Brainsmasher, A Love Story.

[5:21] From 1993, I think.

[5:24] Or as I call it, Jurassic Park Year Zero.

[5:27] April, why did you choose this movie?

[5:32] I love this movie.

[5:35] But it doesn't work at all.

[5:40] It doesn't work at all, but it somehow still works.

[5:44] There's a running joke about ninjas that isn't funny,

[5:48] but then suddenly it gets slightly funnier.

[5:54] Everything is wrong with this.

[5:56] Terry Hatcher, Andrew Dice Clay in a romance.

[5:59] And I'm going to say my popular opinion,

[6:01] but I think Andrew Dice Clay is a really great actor.

[6:04] He's great in Blue Jasmine.

[6:06] Yeah, I know.

[6:08] He successfully played the part of a stand-up comedian people enjoyed

[6:12] for more years than I would have expected him to.

[6:15] Yeah, and he played a really great Brainsmasher.

[6:18] Yeah, he was of all the Brainsmashers in cinema history.

[6:21] He's the best.

[6:23] So, Dan, probably people are like, if they haven't seen the movie,

[6:27] they're like, what could this movie be about if it's called Brainsmasher,

[6:29] A Love Story?

[6:31] It's exactly the kind of questions that Albert Pughn wanted them to ask.

[6:35] He made the movie.

[6:37] You say, if they haven't seen this movie, I think that's a pretty good bet.

[6:42] I think it's a direct-to-video release.

[6:44] This movie did not have a theatrical release.

[6:47] Dan's pulling up IMDb, and IMDb says, movie not listed.

[6:51] I don't even think it had a DVD release.

[6:55] Not in America.

[6:58] I think it was either Wikipedia or IMDb that one of the trivia things was,

[7:02] it had a theatrical release in, like, Brazil.

[7:04] Yeah.

[7:05] That's the one place, I think, where it was shown in a theater.

[7:08] I do believe it was on HBO a lot when we were young.

[7:11] Yes.

[7:12] I think I remember that being the case.

[7:14] I feel like I remember hearing ads on Comedy Central for it.

[7:19] That's possible, right?

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:21] It could have been on Comedy Central.

[7:22] Well, I mean, it's hilarious.

[7:26] It's the funniest movie.

[7:28] I mean, Dan, Comedy Central has shown plenty of movies that were not the funniest movie.

[7:32] Like Stewardess Pool and Ninja Academy were on constant rotation.

[7:37] A little film called Cannibal Women and the Avocado Gentleman's Death.

[7:42] Oh, you mean Comedy Central filler, the movie?

[7:45] Yeah.

[7:48] Okay, guys.

[7:49] Let's talk about what happens in Brain Smasher, a love story, okay?

[7:52] Uh-huh.

[7:53] Sure.

[7:54] Okay.

[7:55] Yeah.

[7:56] Okay, the movie opens.

[7:57] The first YouTube opens, and you click, yes, I want to pay for this movie.

[8:01] No, this is not a mistake.

[8:04] YouTube has a number of dialogue boxes that come up being like, really?

[8:07] Yeah.

[8:08] Brain Smasher?

[8:09] It's like, are you sure you're not a cat walking across the keyboard?

[8:14] It's like, I'm going to make you put in three different credit cards to prove that you're an adult human.

[8:18] I did have to put my credit card in three times.

[8:20] Oh, really?

[8:21] Yeah.

[8:22] It worked very easily for me.

[8:23] And then Candyman showed up.

[8:27] With all this stuff he had bought using your card.

[8:31] Wow, that's horrifying.

[8:33] It's mainly beekeeping equipment.

[8:38] This is American Express.

[8:39] We see a lot of charges for beekeeping equipment and sharp objects and candy on your card,

[8:45] and you don't usually buy that, is that?

[8:47] Oh, no, no, I do usually buy that.

[8:48] Oh, okay, never mind.

[8:50] They say, April, you haven't bought any beekeeping equipment this month.

[8:54] Is everything okay?

[8:56] So, guys, the movie starts, not even in media res.

[8:59] It starts with Andrew Dice Clay on a pay phone, and he's calling someone.

[9:03] He's like, you've got to hear this story.

[9:05] What happened to me last night?

[9:06] But nobody he's talking to on the phone wants to hear it.

[9:08] So he turns to the camera and says, hey, I'll tell you my story.

[9:12] It's one of the stranger openings of a movie.

[9:16] Spoiler alert, not a framing device that comes back at the end of the film.

[9:22] No.

[9:23] At the end, you're left with the credits, and you're like, wait, so is he just telling me the credits?

[9:28] Wait, there isn't a post-credits sequence where he's, like, walking up to the pay phone,

[9:32] and you're like, here we go again.

[9:37] I mean, that would be great if it just, you finally see who he's talking to,

[9:40] and it's, like, a small child or, like, a baby in a carriage.

[9:44] So what do you think?

[9:45] Crazy story, right?

[9:47] He announced he, the Stuart Wellington School of Character Development, he just says to the camera,

[9:52] hi, I'm Ed Molloy.

[9:53] They call me the brain smasher.

[9:57] See, Elliot, I was schooled by watching a lot of

[10:00] of Saturday Night Live impressions.

[10:04] Well they just announced who they were at the beginning.

[10:07] But before we get to Ed Molloy's story, first he's going to tell us about

[10:11] a supermodel, Samantha, played by Terri Hatcher, and

[10:15] she is doing a swimsuit shoot and everyone is surprised that she can

[10:18] read when she takes out a book to read in the makeup chair.

[10:21] This is free Lois and Clark Terri Hatcher.

[10:24] This is pretty early Terri Hatcher. Her star is about to rocket into outer space.

[10:27] Because that's what happened with stars.

[10:31] She was coming hot off of Tango and Cash where she played drums at some kind of

[10:36] strange nightclub.

[10:37] While wearing pants as a stripper and

[10:40] she is not yet in... She's a stripper? I thought she was just a live drumming performer who

[10:44] rides a motorcycle on stage.

[10:46] I mean, that's enough of an act. You're right. I guess the stripping would just

[10:49] complicate that. She has to strip too?

[10:51] Yeah, that's asking too much. She's just a double threat. Motorcycles and drums.

[10:55] And this is pretty soap dish

[10:58] for all you hatch heads out there. For all you hatchbacks. That's what Terri Hatcher fans are called.

[11:02] This is post-Adventures of Ford Fairlane

[11:06] for all you dice people.

[11:10] I want to take a moment to

[11:15] give a shout out to the writer-director of this film

[11:18] who also is the director of Dollman, Alien from LA, and Cyborg.

[11:24] And Dollman shows up in the movie. Not as himself, but...

[11:27] Yeah, Tim Thomas. Wait, he doesn't show up as Dollman, we're the actor Tim Thomas.

[11:33] I was wrong on both counts.

[11:36] There's this great scene we'll get to later on where there's a bunch of cops

[11:40] interrogating them. And one of them is Dollman.

[11:43] One of them is... What's his name? Brian James from Tango and Cash

[11:46] and Blade Runner. One of them is Charlie Rocket from

[11:50] SNL. Like, it's... I don't know. It's like this

[11:54] The filmmaker's like, I'm gonna call all my friends in for like one day.

[11:59] Just for this part. It was whoever was walking by the studio at the time.

[12:03] I would totally do this. If I were those people, I would

[12:07] totally do this movie with Alfred Young because he is

[12:11] an amazing writer-director and knows exactly what he wants.

[12:15] He said that this movie turned out the most like what he wanted out of

[12:19] any movie they've ever made. Even more than Radioactive Dreams,

[12:23] which is a crazy movie. Or Kickboxer. Yeah, more than that.

[12:27] Radioactive Dreams is a movie I saw years ago about

[12:30] these two... It's after the nuclear war, but punk rock still exists, thankfully.

[12:34] And these two brothers were raised on a diet of Humphrey Bogart movies.

[12:38] Now they gotta go out into the nuclear wasteland wilderness

[12:41] as a couple of gum-chewing gumshoes, and I don't remember any of the plot

[12:45] except that the movie ends with them being like, alright guys, hit it!

[12:49] And they do this weird dance after having an adventure.

[12:52] That sounds amazing. It's a really fun movie.

[12:55] That sounds like the Takeshi Kitano Zatoichi movie.

[13:00] Oh, but that's great when they all have that dance at the end.

[13:04] So anyway, so Terry Hatcher's a model. A rich guy wants to marry her.

[13:08] He gives her a $10,000 watch, but she says, I don't want watches.

[13:11] I want love. And meanwhile, her sister sends her a package

[13:15] from London that she's supposed to... No, she's in London.

[13:18] The sister sends her a package from Tibet? Paris? Paris, somewhere.

[13:22] That she's supposed to bring to Portland, Oregon.

[13:24] Portland? That's where Ed, the brain smasher, lives.

[13:28] Ore-gon.

[13:29] Oh.

[13:30] As in this movie, Ore-gon.

[13:35] I said Ore-gon.

[13:36] So it's meant to be a goof that it's like very Brooklyn-y, Bronx-y,

[13:43] but it's set in Ore-gon.

[13:44] I assume that they were, like, it's weird,

[13:47] because there's a part where Ed Molloy, Interdice Clay,

[13:50] goes back to his parents, and they're the most, like,

[13:54] tri-state Italian Portland family.

[13:57] And I don't know if it's supposed to be an overt joke

[14:01] or if it's just like, we need to get two people who could conceivably be...

[14:04] Like, Interdice Clay is not going to do a Pacific Northwest accent.

[14:08] Like, we're just going to build the world around him, you know?

[14:12] But it's all shot, or almost all of it is shot in Portland.

[14:15] Yeah, no, I assume they just had tax breaks for Portland,

[14:19] and they're like, uh...

[14:21] Yeah, Interdice Clay is your classic Portlander.

[14:24] Can you go on the Brain Smasher, A Love Story tour in Portland, Ore-gon?

[14:31] Oh, I hope so.

[14:34] They can be, like, this is the...

[14:36] You're walking now past the theater marquee,

[14:38] where a benefit performance of Malcolm X

[14:42] was clearly shown in the background of Brain Smasher, A Love Story,

[14:45] and everyone's taking pictures of it and things like that.

[14:47] No joke, though, my husband, on our first date,

[14:50] when we were just dating, he took me to that strip club for a drink.

[14:56] And when I saw that movie, I was like, holy shit, I've been here!

[15:02] And then he winked at you.

[15:05] I knew all along.

[15:07] Yeah, he knew he was taking me on the Brain Smasher tour,

[15:10] and I had no idea.

[15:11] That's amazing.

[15:12] That's a long con.

[15:14] That's like when my wife and I took a trip to Paris right after we got married,

[15:19] and then we saw Midnight in Paris,

[15:20] and Woody Allen went to all the same places we went,

[15:22] and we were like, was Woody Allen following us on our vacation?

[15:26] Elliot, I think I know what you actually said.

[15:28] You said, wow!

[15:30] What are you talking about?

[15:33] I said, wow, Ernest Hemingway, wow!

[15:38] I have my son saying that now.

[15:39] It's really funny.

[15:40] Okay, so, Samantha, she goes to Portland, and she finds her sister,

[15:44] but her sister's been captured by this, it's a sect of masked Shaolin monks

[15:48] who are wearing all, like, fedoras and trench coats like they're Dick Tracy villains.

[15:52] Are you sure they're not ninjas?

[15:55] This is something that gets brought up, as April mentioned,

[15:58] every, I think, other scene, someone goes like, oh, it's a bunch of ninjas,

[16:02] and they go, we're not ninjas.

[16:05] Later on, someone goes, oh, he's speaking Chinese, they can't be ninjas.

[16:08] But I did some of my sleuthing, and I found that the leader of this group

[16:11] is an American of Japanese descent.

[16:14] So, he's making it confusing for people just by being here.

[16:18] Sure.

[16:19] But this joke...

[16:20] It's an extra textural joke, Elliot.

[16:22] It's a Japanese man playing a Chinese man who's denying that he's Japanese.

[16:27] Oh, you're right, there's a lot going on there.

[16:29] That's very complicated.

[16:31] This joke, it's like, it gets introduced once,

[16:34] then it comes up again, and by the last scene,

[16:37] it's like every other line of dialogue is someone calling them ninjas

[16:41] and then denying it, and then Terry Hatcher's like,

[16:44] if I say you're ninjas, then you're ninjas.

[16:46] And then two lines later, her sister goes,

[16:48] if my sister says you're ninjas, then you're ninjas.

[16:50] He's like, do they think we missed it the first 40 times they told this joke?

[16:56] Yeah, you've become unstuck from the movie,

[16:59] and now you exist in a realm where things are only ninjas or not ninjas.

[17:04] I mean, we live in that realm, to be honest.

[17:06] That is a way of classifying the universe.

[17:08] I mean, that's basically the entire Mortal Kombat rule.

[17:11] Yeah, that's right.

[17:12] It's ninjas or not ninjas.

[17:15] We exist in a binary universe where zero equals ninjas

[17:20] and one equals non-ninjas.

[17:22] Yeah, everything can be decided by that.

[17:24] You look at any object, it could be a ninja or not a ninja, you know?

[17:29] So, but here's a question.

[17:31] The movie Three Ninjas, would that count as a ninja?

[17:35] Would it count as three ninjas, or would it not count as a ninja

[17:37] because it's a movie?

[17:40] Or because it's multiples?

[17:41] Like, I don't know.

[17:43] Don't worry about it.

[17:44] Anyway, so they're monks, but they're basically a crime gang,

[17:48] and they want the mystical red lotus flower, because if you eat it,

[17:52] you get ultimate power.

[17:54] It's the key to ultimate power, and it's basically

[17:56] like an Infinity Gauntlet type thing, but in the form of a flower.

[18:00] It sounds a lot like heroin to me.

[18:03] What if it was like, they're just like, we want that flower.

[18:09] It's the ultimate high.

[18:10] You hallucinate that you're the king of the world, and then you die.

[18:13] It's amazing.

[18:15] But that, Dan, would you give them the flower then?

[18:18] If it was just a drug?

[18:20] Yeah.

[18:21] I mean, like, why am I keeping it then?

[18:23] That's why they call Dan the candy man.

[18:24] Yeah.

[18:25] It's not because if you call his name three times, he shows up?

[18:28] No.

[18:29] No, I mean, no, you call me once, I'm going to show up.

[18:31] I'm a lonely man, Elliot.

[18:34] Like, oh, someone wants me?

[18:35] Someone's interested in me?

[18:36] Sure.

[18:38] So Samantha, she didn't bring the lotus with her,

[18:42] because she figures they're going to kill her if she has it on her.

[18:46] She leads the monks on a merry chase through the very wet streets of Portland

[18:50] until she reaches the club where Ed Brainsmasher Malloy is the bouncer.

[18:55] And we see he beats up a gang of thugs who try to push their way in,

[18:58] and this guy waiting in line goes, now that's

[19:00] why they call him the Brainsmasher.

[19:03] And then he laughs and laughs and laughs.

[19:09] The movie is like, we better, this, the term Brainsmasher

[19:12] can be taken any number of ways.

[19:15] We got to show him hitting someone in the head,

[19:16] and then it being identified as that is the titular Brainsmashing.

[19:20] Because otherwise, who knows what they might think it is?

[19:22] I mean, because if that guy didn't say it,

[19:25] we would have to wait until Andrew Dice Clay turns around and reveals

[19:29] that he's wearing a jacket that says Brainsmasher on the back.

[19:33] Now, do you think, like, when Drive came out and guys suddenly

[19:36] started wearing those, like, Japanese jackets,

[19:39] like he wears in Drive, like Ryan Gosling wears,

[19:41] do you think guys were just walking around with jackets that

[19:43] said Brainsmasher on the back?

[19:45] Yeah, Dan, you were alive back in 1993.

[19:48] Do you remember that?

[19:51] I mean, we're not that far off in age, Stuart.

[19:54] I don't know why I'm the one who has to deal with this question.

[19:56] Yeah, but Stuart's kind of a boyish type.

[19:58] And Dan, you have kind of like an old man thing.

[20:00] So yeah, remember that when the brain-smashing craze hit and everybody was wearing brain-smasher jackets

[20:05] Yeah, and the brain-smasher dance swept the nation. Yeah. Yeah the brain-smasher

[20:17] Yeah, that's right, oh yeah, yeah

[20:20] It's a lot of jumping. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's a good point. We'll get to that

[20:24] I won't bother wasting time on my joke that brain-smasher could have been taken as an oblique reference to the pan-galactic gargle blaster

[20:31] We don't have time for that kind of reference. Let's just keep moving because she runs into the club

[20:36] Unstopped by Ed Malloy his bouncer abilities seem to be worthless on her

[20:39] She just pushes past easily and yeah

[20:42] She ends up in the club where there's like this choreographed

[20:44] Jumping dance and it's a little bit like line dancing a little bit like Native American jingle dancing. You guys are familiar with that

[20:51] There's a lot of jumping in it

[20:55] It's so good, it's good stuff and they're they're dancing to some fairly dour rock music sung by a woman with a very low voice

[21:03] Like who's that song that's in the in Royal Tenenbaums about how the woman goes out walking. She doesn't Nico talking

[21:10] Yeah, it's like that but deeper and it's like I was like is this person doing

[21:15] Like a Marlena Dietrich impression, but like if she was a rock singer anyway

[21:20] I found it very confusing and then she sings a song in the soundtrack later

[21:23] And I thought it was a man singing until the song was listed in the credits. So that's me

[21:28] Gender assumptions that are not. Okay, do it. This is the kind of club that vampire Chris Sarandon would go to

[21:37] It feels like it feels like somebody went they saw

[21:41] But they went to the club in the beginning of the hunger where Bauhaus is performing and they're like, this is a cool club

[21:48] We're gonna take this New York style and we're gonna bring it to Portland and when they got to Portland

[21:52] They did not have the talent on hand that Bauhaus was providing in a major city

[21:57] Yeah, and the cages

[22:02] Like it's Portland things just a little bit like more bespoke here

[22:05] Yeah, we don't have to know that and having those cages and fences might have protected them from what's to come

[22:11] But let's get we'll get back in a second

[22:14] Well, I like that

[22:16] The brain smasher seems totally fine with Terry Hatcher pushing his way past him

[22:22] Yeah

[22:23] Sorry pushing her way past him the guy the other bouncer comes out and is like hey

[22:31] You punched out these two guys and he's like, yeah this this lady Pat, you know

[22:35] Like got past me though

[22:36] and so the guys like a lady got past the brain smasher and

[22:40] Suddenly that dice clay is like, you know what?

[22:43] My ego won't allow this to stand I have to go find Terry Hatcher

[22:47] Yeah, and the assumption is also the implications like oh, so he regularly smashes the brains of ladies

[22:54] And it's a good thing he runs in after because the Lotus monks storm the club they remind everyone

[23:00] They're not ninjas again because they're gonna keep doing that. They start beating up the band for some reason

[23:06] Really understand like nobody is these ninjas could have just walked into the room

[23:11] No problem, but they just start beating people up and then jump onto the stage and start hitting the band

[23:30] That was when that was okay you could do that in the movie

[23:33] It'd still be a likable villain. No, it's it's a yeah, it's I don't these these guys maybe they're not ninjas

[23:39] but maybe they should be because

[23:41] They think I mean

[23:42] I don't want to take the samurai side of things because that was clearly a feudal system that was not fair to those at the

[23:48] bottom who often defended themselves by joining secret organizations where they had to hide in the shadows, but

[23:55] Ninja that you're making taking a big stance here

[23:59] But so I'm not saying I'm pro samurai on this but samurai look down on ninjas as scum who hid in the shadows and had

[24:06] No honor and these Shaolin monks supposedly they have no honor

[24:10] Maybe they are ninjas. Anyway deep in their hearts. Okay, so

[24:15] Andrew Dice Clay catches up with Samantha Terry Hatcher

[24:18] And they he kind of escorts her away helps her get out. There's some very disjointed banter

[24:24] That's like an attempt at I guess like a bogey

[24:27] But call type thing where where they're kind of like insolent with each other

[24:31] but instead it just like

[24:32] It reminded me a little bit of the scene in mentoring candidate where Janet Lee hits on Frank Sinatra and it's like they took

[24:39] Four different conversations and jangled up all the lines and just threw them out randomly

[24:43] It doesn't make any sense

[24:47] I guess yeah, that's true

[24:49] Like a pickup artist like wrote the dialogue for him

[24:53] Interesting. I did say mystery did have a story quite a story by credit

[25:01] Anyway and I in my nota I have my notes I've written here the not ninjas joke is getting old

[25:07] I had no idea that it would return so many times

[25:10] And so Samantha hires brain smasher to protect her. She doesn't have enough money on her

[25:15] So she gives him the fancy $10,000 watch thus beginning the next running joke of the movie

[25:20] Which is this watch being brought up and people going what kind of idiot pays?

[25:25] $10,000 for a watch and there's a lot of that throughout the film and we never really get to see this watch and I found myself

[25:31] Being like I want to see what kind of watch cost $10,000 like that's crazy. Oh, it doesn't have a calculator in it

[25:39] Like Dan what would

[25:46] If you turn it upside down

[25:49] Strap to your wrist

[25:57] Obviously have an image of Garfield, but the arms are Bart Simpson's arms, so it's like a fuck up

[26:08] Yeah, it's like it's like the stamp with the plane upside down I

[26:14] Love the idea there are all those character watches of like Garfield or or Mickey Mouse these characters who don't really care

[26:20] What time it is so how can you really trust them to tell you what the proper time like the Garfield knows?

[26:25] What time of day it is he doesn't care Garfield cares if it's a Monday

[26:29] He cares about the day of the week sure, but my wristwatch isn't gonna. Tell me that now you're living in a science-fiction world

[26:36] Monday

[26:39] His whole calendar is just Monday or not Monday

[26:41] But I think the joy of getting a watch that has Garfield or some other characters stuck in it is that it feels like they've been

[26:47] imprisoned

[26:50] For all of eternity oh, yeah by some kind of wizard spell sure

[26:56] Take that this is the karma for sending normal to Abu Dhabi

[27:01] Where she had to be a migrant worker who it was killed in a construction accident?

[27:05] Oh, that's Dubai. I'm sorry. I'm thinking of Dubai. I'm sorry. Oh dear. Oh boy

[27:09] I'll issue a formal apology on Twitter tomorrow, so

[27:13] It's the and so before the episode is released

[27:20] In front of it gotta cut it off. I'll be like David Letterman the stuff

[27:23] He did that wouldn't fly today, but he admitted to it years ago

[27:26] So everyone's like oh what a national treasure with this big big old Santa Claus beard and all that stuff

[27:32] Anyway

[27:33] So the monks start walking and they walk everywhere

[27:36] They're always kind of doing that kind of rush walk that people who are have to get to the subway pretty fast

[27:42] But they don't want to look stupid or uncool. So they just kind of walk like super fast

[27:47] They do that everywhere and Eddie takes this time to explain his origin to Terry Hatcher

[27:52] Which is that as a teen he was at a club and someone hit him with a bottle because there was no bouncer and ever since

[27:57] Then he's devoted himself to bouncing

[27:59] Because they felt the need they had to explain why he does this

[28:10] It's really it's like one of those things we I can see why he's haunted by it for years

[28:15] And went to bouncer school and devoted himself to it

[28:18] They take some yeah, and the scar on the bridge of his nose is about as noticeable

[28:24] I mean, it's it's like how Deadpool is super nervous that he's too gross for Marina Baccarin to love him when you're like

[28:31] You look fine

[28:33] Like I don't notice the scar. That's fine. You don't have to it's not that big of a deal

[28:37] You don't need to be a bouncer for that

[28:39] What's like later he gets beat up and Terry Hatcher's like oh you look terrible and all that hat all they did was like put

[28:45] A little bit of dirt on the side of his face

[28:48] Like she has very high standards. They go to Eddie's got to get the keys to his car

[28:52] So instead of going to his apartment he goes to his parents place his mom

[28:56] Of course is played by Jerry Seinfeld's mom on Seinfeld and shows she this range

[29:00] She can play a Jewish mom or an Italian mom. That's a lot of range

[29:05] And he asked his dad for $20. He's already this is love interest material

[29:10] He keeps his he's at his parents apartment. He has no money on him

[29:14] He's a bouncer named brain smasher with a label jacket that explains who he is that he clearly made himself

[29:20] He keeps his car registration on top of the fridge to apparently which is

[29:27] Why not just keep it in your glove compartment, dude, maybe it's a Portland thing, I don't know I

[29:33] Don't know it's like he's taking it out every time being like alright if someone steals my car

[29:38] They're gonna get screwed if the cops stop them

[29:41] The

[29:45] The the monks should they leave and they and the monks show up and tell the parents that they're

[29:52] Psychiatrists were after this crazy woman Samantha who's telling a crazy story and they're like, oh no, our son is in danger

[29:58] Well, you should go to his apartment

[30:00] It's over a place called the Lotus Cafe, or something like that,

[30:03] because every business in Portland seems to have the word lotus in the name in this movie.

[30:07] And Portland is the city of roses, right? Not lotuses.

[30:11] Yeah.

[30:12] I don't know. As far as I know, that's the city of strip clubs. That's what I've been told.

[30:16] Well, that too. That's also why it's funny when later when they go to a strip club,

[30:20] the one you're talking about, it's clearly just a regular bar where they have one woman there.

[30:24] Yeah, it's like one woman in a tiny, tiny little stage where mostly it's just...

[30:29] Yeah, it's like the stripping alcove in a lot of arcade games.

[30:32] And I learned a lot about their forced cover policy.

[30:36] Yeah.

[30:37] Their forced minimum policy.

[30:40] I was really happy when Dice Clay was just like, hey, you do what you got to do.

[30:44] And she was like, hey, I got to charge you the minimum.

[30:47] And he was just so polite.

[30:49] I mean, he knows the bouncer's code.

[30:51] And as his mom says, he's never broke a law in his life.

[30:54] Even though we've seen him smash brains.

[30:57] Oh, yeah. That's not breaking a law.

[31:00] The police are like, oh, he smashed that brain in the line of duty.

[31:04] They find him not guilty.

[31:07] This is a moment to tell you guys about the funniest thing I saw one time in Portland,

[31:12] which was, as Dan, you mentioned, there's a lot of strip clubs there.

[31:15] There was a strip club that was called like Pussycats or something like that.

[31:18] And then across the street was an animal hospital.

[31:21] I kept imagining some situation where a dancer slips and breaks her leg and they're like,

[31:25] look, let's just take her across the street.

[31:32] There was a situation once where I met someone who had been a stripper in Portland.

[31:36] I mentioned it to them and they did not find it particularly funny.

[31:39] But, you know, who knows?

[31:41] Some people found this ninja joke super funny.

[31:43] Who knows? Anyway.

[31:45] Oh, thanks.

[31:46] They go to they go to Ed's apartment so that they can use the bathroom.

[31:50] And he teaches her his fighting technique, which he's called the one.

[31:53] He calls the one two, which is you punch a guy in the balls.

[31:56] Then you give him an uppercut to the chin.

[31:58] So do we learn that he has been looking at a calendar with a picture of her on it?

[32:04] Surreptitiously like he is at one point he's looking at the calendar and then he like hides that.

[32:10] And she mentioned she was in it.

[32:12] So are we to believe that he has like he has a crush on her already?

[32:16] Yes. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

[32:18] He's like, you know, maybe you'll maybe you'll look at it someday.

[32:21] December, you know, maybe it's not.

[32:25] Because he's look, guys, he's he's a brain smasher.

[32:28] He doesn't know anything about the heart. The brain is the organ he's used to.

[32:31] He's not heart smashing out here.

[32:33] No, he's found Samantha has smashed his heart and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

[32:38] Guess what happens?

[32:39] The monks show up and attack because this is the pattern of the movie is Samantha and brain smasher go somewhere.

[32:46] Monks attack. They run away.

[32:48] Samantha and brain smasher go somewhere else.

[32:50] Monks attack. They run away.

[32:51] This is where this is where the monks climb the walls of the building.

[32:55] And they're climbing outside the window in the rain.

[32:58] And you can very clearly see that one of those monks has a support wire to keep the stunt performer from falling off the from falling off the ledge.

[33:07] Yeah. Unless we're supposed to believe that the monks are using support wires.

[33:10] Oh, that would make sense.

[33:12] Yeah. But there's I will say there's a lot of really good like running up walls and flips in this movie at a time when like it was exciting to see a movie where it's like, oh, this guy knows Hong Kong movies at a time when like I don't know.

[33:27] Not a lot of American movies were doing Hong Kong movie stuff.

[33:30] So it's like brain smasher is full of light. And there's a lot of these long takes of people walk through hallways like a lot of those like hard boiled long takes type things where it's like, oh, like, oh, this movie is is bringing all this stuff in that I guess was only available in American direct to video movies probably.

[33:48] Well, it felt a little bit like if a little bit like somebody saw Golden Child and wanted it to be funnier with a less exciting star.

[33:59] Well, what are you saying about Andrew?

[34:02] Sorry, I said it was funnier.

[34:05] But it doesn't have the best part of Golden Child that dancing Pepsi can.

[34:12] Yeah, I mean, that's.

[34:14] Or the grossest.

[34:17] Grossest what? I got to find out what that grossest part of Golden Child where he dips into that oatmeal and there's blood underneath it.

[34:25] That's delicious. Is that blood? I thought it was like strawberry juice.

[34:29] Oh, Stuart, you sweet naive child.

[34:33] You shouldn't have had seconds.

[34:36] April, what were you going to say?

[34:37] I think most people don't know that Alfred Pian actually studied with Mifune and Akira Kurosawa.

[34:46] Really?

[34:47] He had an internship when he was in Hawaii.

[34:49] He got a letter from Mifune to come and be on whatever his next projects were.

[34:55] And he was like a shadow director on all of them.

[34:58] Really?

[34:59] Yeah.

[35:00] I didn't know that.

[35:01] Yeah. So he learned from like the people who were actually making movies in Asia at that time.

[35:06] And you can see some of that expertise.

[35:09] As much as I love just throwing tons of shade onto this movie, this guy actually knows what he's doing.

[35:16] His directing is not that bad. It's pretty good.

[35:20] He does that thing where the camera is placed a little bit closer than you would place it to a person's face in an American movie.

[35:27] Yes.

[35:28] But not so close that it's an extreme close up.

[35:30] Like in the movie Possession, they do a lot of that where it's like the camera is just a little bit closer to someone's face, and I love that.

[35:36] Like there's a lot of – you're just like slightly closer than you would be normally, but it's not up someone's nose or anything like that.

[35:43] So it's an exciting way to frame dialogue, guys.

[35:47] And you mentioned the ominous walking down hallways scenes, and that's like – that totally still works.

[35:54] There's nothing in the story that would make me nervous, but like watching in the movie, I'm like, oh, wow, this is pretty tense.

[36:02] And there's – nothing should make you nervous because the monks attack.

[36:05] Brainsmasher beats them up pretty easily.

[36:07] They bust into the apartment next door, which is Brainsmasher's landlord, an old lady.

[36:12] She's attacked by the red-masked monk who's particularly feral.

[36:16] There's always – in bad guys movies, there's always the lead bad guy who is the smooth, cool guy.

[36:21] He's always got his lieutenant who's a little more rabid and angrier than he is, and in this case, it's the red-masked guy.

[36:28] And she like tries to give him the old one-two, but it doesn't affect him, and the old lady has the immortal line, this guy's got no nuts, which is the flip side of the immortal line, Wolfman's got nards from Monster Squad.

[36:40] So that's another binary right there, ninja, not ninja, no nuts, got nards.

[36:47] This is –

[36:50] Yeah, I remember that old advertising campaign, got nards.

[37:00] That was from the – what? The Testicle Farmers Council?

[37:05] It was weird. They also advertised that as the other white meat, which I didn't – I was not behind that.

[37:11] Too far, Dan. Too far.

[37:14] Too far.

[37:15] All right.

[37:16] Sorry, you maybe shouldn't talk for a few minutes, for as it's also known, Dan in the second half of an episode.

[37:25] Oh, man. Stick of organ Dan.

[37:30] That's not true. I read letters.

[37:33] That's true. Good point. Good point.

[37:35] Oh, wow, Dan grabbed himself up on that one.

[37:38] Fireballs back and forth.

[37:40] There's a lot of monks leaping around hallways. The cops arrive, and they arrest Eddie, and he gets questioned by Brian James and Tim Thomerson.

[37:49] And that was super exciting to see Dall Man slash Jack Death, and what's his name in Blade Runner, Brian James' character?

[38:00] He's the one who says, wake up, time to die, right?

[38:02] Yep. I don't remember.

[38:05] I can't remember. Anyway.

[38:07] I think he's the guy who speaks with the hilarious fake, what, British accent in Tango and Cash?

[38:11] Oh, yeah. He's got that terrible English accent, and they stick a grenade down his pants to get him to talk.

[38:16] Uh-huh. No.

[38:18] Anyway.

[38:19] I think the grenade blows up and kills him when they stick it down his pants.

[38:23] Oh, well, I guess I watched – in my head, I was playing the TV edit, I guess, of the movie.

[38:30] But, uh, and they're interrogating Eddie.

[38:33] They think Samantha's involved in drug smuggling, and that this Red Lotus is actually drugs.

[38:38] And they're trying to get him to flip on – to flip like Flynn.

[38:43] And they're super aggressive about it, too.

[38:46] Oh, yeah.

[38:47] Like, they're like –

[38:48] They threaten him with punching.

[38:49] Yeah, they're like, this is drugs. This is drugs. Stop pretending it's ninjas. It's drugs.

[38:55] And they have, like, all these eyewitnesses that are like, oh, a bunch of ninjas came by.

[39:00] And they're like, what's with the drugs? Tell me about the drugs.

[39:04] It's weird.

[39:06] There's a – but, of course, the monks invade the police station.

[39:11] And I guess this was their version of, like, the police station scene from Terminator, probably.

[39:16] Oh, yeah.

[39:17] Yeah, yeah. It's exactly like that.

[39:19] Yeah, but instead it's monks.

[39:20] And they cut the phone lines, and they're beating up people all throughout the station while they're still doing the interrogating.

[39:26] And it's like at some point they've got to hear all this fighting that's going on in the other parts of the police station.

[39:32] Guess what?

[39:33] Eddie and Samantha escape.

[39:35] Samantha very briefly has a cramp in her neck, and Eddie rubs it for a moment.

[39:41] It's such a – and what's great about this is there's three things that are great about this.

[39:44] One is that this is He-Man geography where, in the He-Man cartoon, he would often pick up a bad guy, throw them off camera, and then they were just gone.

[39:52] That was not a problem anymore.

[39:54] So, like, Eddie and Samantha are running from the monks.

[39:56] They turn a corner in the hallway, and they're like, oh, phew.

[40:00] Hey, my neck has a cramp, can you rub it?

[40:02] And it's like, you're still in the same building.

[40:05] And number two, it's just, Samantha delivers it

[40:10] as if it is totally made up anyway.

[40:12] And then Eddie, he starts to fake come on to her, I guess.

[40:18] Yeah, fake being a creep.

[40:19] Like kind of fake in order to get her to move,

[40:22] but it's also one of those things where he's like,

[40:24] oh, I'm gonna pretend that I'm flirting with you,

[40:27] but maybe you're into it.

[40:28] There's so much gross stuff going on in it,

[40:30] but it comes out of nowhere.

[40:33] Yeah, maybe me and my stepsister,

[40:35] even though you're my stepsister,

[40:36] wouldn't it be weird if we made out or something?

[40:38] Yeah, exactly.

[40:39] Like that sort of thing.

[40:40] But it's like, in this movie.

[40:42] I'm writing a movie, guys.

[40:43] I was just throwing you some test dialogue.

[40:46] Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

[40:46] I'm writing a movie.

[40:47] It's three minutes and 50 seconds long.

[40:50] You can find it online.

[40:53] And it's just in, well,

[40:54] and it's a preview for a longer movie.

[40:57] Exactly.

[41:00] But it's in this movie where there's like

[41:02] these kung fu monks that are chasing

[41:05] after a guy named Brain Smasher.

[41:06] The thing that seemed the craziest to me

[41:08] was that she would suddenly stop in a hall and go,

[41:10] oh, I got a cramp in my neck.

[41:11] Can you rub it for me?

[41:12] It's just, it's super forced.

[41:16] We learn that the lead monk can catch bullets in his hands,

[41:20] and he throws it back so hard

[41:22] that it goes right through a cop's forehead and kills him.

[41:25] And that was, it's a great moment.

[41:27] It was like, one of those moments where I was like,

[41:28] wait, what?

[41:33] You're like, oh, the power of Andrew Dice Clay

[41:36] is suddenly seems so weak in comparison to these monks.

[41:40] But it's also how come he keeps beating them up

[41:42] all the time.

[41:43] Yeah.

[41:44] I don't wanna pull back the curtain too much,

[41:45] but Dan and Stuart and I are doing a show soon

[41:47] where we watch a different movie

[41:49] where someone catches a bullet

[41:50] and throws it back at another person.

[41:52] This was a major Hollywood release with big stars in it,

[41:56] and it looks so goofy and bad in this version of the movie.

[41:59] But in Brainsmasher, it's a pretty fun thing.

[42:02] Even though the bullet wound is clearly just like a circle,

[42:05] like a very sharply defined circle

[42:08] of probably like, like Karo syrup blood on his forehead.

[42:12] Oh yeah.

[42:13] It's a, anyway, Samantha and Eddie escape,

[42:15] but Eddie's like, oh no, I'm running out of juice.

[42:17] I don't think I can fight this.

[42:18] They can catch bullets.

[42:19] This is amazing.

[42:20] And she's like, the bullet catch is an easy trick.

[42:22] It's blanks in the gun,

[42:24] and then there's, he's already got a bullet in his glove.

[42:26] And he's like, don't ruin the trick for me.

[42:28] When I watch the Prestige,

[42:29] I don't wanna know how they do it.

[42:31] But he's outmatched.

[42:33] And Samantha's like,

[42:34] I can't believe that you're talking about quitting.

[42:36] And this is one of those things

[42:37] where I was watching a movie and I'm like,

[42:38] they've only known each other for like 20 minutes

[42:41] of real time, but she's already like,

[42:43] you, the Brainsmasher, you're gonna quit?

[42:46] This is crazy.

[42:48] They part ways much like Shrek and Donkey do in Shrek.

[42:54] Yeah, that's what it says in the script, I'm sure.

[42:57] It says, imagine a future movie,

[43:02] future star Mike Myers.

[43:05] He was a star in 93.

[43:07] Yeah, come on, Wayne's World was big, it was huge then.

[43:09] Wait, in 93, when did Wayne's World come out?

[43:13] It was already on the set of SNL TV show.

[43:16] Yeah, I guess so, I guess so.

[43:18] I'm gonna look up when Wayne's World's,

[43:19] you keep talking.

[43:21] You do that.

[43:22] I'm gonna look up when Wayne's World came out.

[43:24] Because Dan, it's Wayne's World, we're just living in it.

[43:28] All right, thanks.

[43:29] The worst thing would be if it was Wayne's World.

[43:29] 92, 92, you're right, 92.

[43:31] Oh, interesting, you're here before.

[43:33] Mike Myers, huge star, number one box office hit,

[43:36] probably, I don't know.

[43:38] All right, thanks.

[43:39] Dan, look up his box office performance.

[43:41] Okay, that'll keep me busy for a while.

[43:45] That's what you're trying to do, right?

[43:46] Dan, I'm just trying to task rabbit you

[43:48] so we can get on with the plot.

[43:50] The monks track down Samantha.

[43:53] They're following her on the street

[43:54] and Eddie appears and fights them

[43:57] without her knowing, behind her back.

[43:59] But then they get away again.

[44:01] And the monks, she calls the hotel that her,

[44:03] she gets a voice message,

[44:05] she calls her messages on the phone,

[44:06] because this is pre-cell phone days,

[44:08] and she probably has like an answer phone service.

[44:10] And there's a voicemail saying,

[44:13] oh, hey, your sister's staying at this hotel

[44:15] and she said for you to call me.

[44:16] And so she calls the manager and says,

[44:19] oh yeah, my sister's there?

[44:19] He's like, yeah, meet me at this place.

[44:21] Okay, great, I'll take you where your sister is.

[44:23] And then we show that the lead monk is there

[44:26] and tricked the manager into doing this.

[44:28] Why he had to do this since we've just seen

[44:30] the monks literally following

[44:31] like 15 feet behind her on the street.

[44:34] I don't know.

[44:34] I guess it's a series of redundancies

[44:36] because every good system has a redundancy built in

[44:39] just in case.

[44:40] By the way, Wayne's World was the eighth highest

[44:43] grossing film of 92, so.

[44:46] Yeah, but I wanted opening weekend box office.

[44:49] Yeah.

[44:49] Oh, it was number one in the box office.

[44:50] Yeah, it was, I think it says, wait,

[44:52] it says Bafo B.O.

[44:54] Yeah, okay.

[44:56] Yeah, it's body odor with Bafo.

[45:02] So Samantha goes to this bar

[45:06] where she's, I guess, supposed to meet a hotel manager.

[45:09] I don't remember exactly what she meant there.

[45:11] Yeah.

[45:12] She's meeting somebody there.

[45:13] She goes to a bar.

[45:14] There's a woman stripping there

[45:15] in a little stripping alcove

[45:16] set off to the side of the room,

[45:18] and there's a ton of arcade cabinets

[45:21] that nobody is using, and I just couldn't,

[45:23] I had to know what games they were,

[45:24] and I did not freeze frame to find out.

[45:26] The manager of the place hits on her,

[45:27] and she gives him the one-two.

[45:29] She's already learning stuff from the brain smasher.

[45:31] Eddie walks in.

[45:32] Who's the manager?

[45:34] Is that like, he has a name, right?

[45:37] He calls himself.

[45:38] Downtown Romeo.

[45:39] He calls himself Romeo.

[45:40] He calls himself Romeo, but it's not his real name.

[45:44] And so he's not the title character from Romeo is Leaning,

[45:48] so I don't know what else about him.

[45:49] Oh, thanks for the clarification.

[45:50] Or Romeo plus Juliet.

[45:53] Yeah, but Dan, what does that equal?

[45:54] Specifically.

[45:55] Did we ever find out?

[45:56] No.

[45:58] It equals fun.

[46:01] That was the original tagline?

[46:03] I mean, it kind of equaled Moulin Rouge, right?

[46:06] Yeah, I guess.

[46:06] That's a good one.

[46:08] Do you guys remember when the movie My Girl came out,

[46:11] and there was a commercial

[46:13] that was like, get ready for the wildest,

[46:15] the wettest, and the wackiest adventure.

[46:18] And my sister went to go see it,

[46:19] and she was like, he dies at the end.

[46:22] She was like, it was neither wet nor wacky.

[46:26] I think there's a scene of them jumping in a lake

[46:27] or something for wet, but for wettest.

[46:30] It was a very misleading commercial.

[46:32] Yeah.

[46:34] Yeah, anytime my wife sees a trailer that lies to her,

[46:39] such as, I don't know, The Lobster,

[46:41] she's like, that fucking trailer My Girl'd me.

[46:45] Oh no.

[46:48] Eddie comes in, and she says,

[46:51] what happened to you, you look terrible.

[46:52] He looks the same, he just has some dirt on his face.

[46:54] They flirt, Eddie doesn't like this bar,

[46:56] because it doesn't have a bouncer,

[46:57] and she calls him a straight up guy.

[47:00] What happens?

[47:01] The monks show up.

[47:02] Samantha insults them a lot, there's a fight.

[47:04] Samantha runs away and puts on a disguise,

[47:07] and she's protected by a Rubenesque dancer

[47:12] who hits the monks with her boobs.

[47:14] Not to bring up Mortal Kombat again,

[47:17] but I do like how this dancer,

[47:20] and then Terri Hatcher's later disguise

[47:23] makes her look like Sindel from the Mortal Kombat games.

[47:26] So this is something I want to ask you guys.

[47:28] Terri Hatcher changes into more revealing clothes.

[47:31] They're like super tight shorts and a see-through top,

[47:34] and she puts on a wig and a cloak.

[47:37] She's escaping as some kind of sorceress stripper,

[47:42] but maybe that's, maybe it's like, you know what,

[47:44] it's like that Empire Strips Back thing

[47:46] that's been advertising all over LA.

[47:48] It's like a Dungeons and Dragons-themed strip show,

[47:51] so that's why she puts on a cloak,

[47:53] and it's like her cloak of visibility.

[47:55] Do you guys, does that make sense?

[47:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

[47:58] So I bet in her mind, when she puts on the disguise,

[48:00] she's like, I better come up with a backstory.

[48:02] Well, it's like a D&D-themed dance,

[48:04] because I'm always looking for ways to,

[48:05] it's like Flashdance,

[48:06] I'm always looking for ways to push the envelope

[48:08] and like really express myself,

[48:10] and she's like, I wish the burlesque movement

[48:11] was at its peak now,

[48:13] because that would be more fitting for me,

[48:15] this kind of dancer.

[48:16] Okay, I've got my character.

[48:17] Yeah, it was most likely, it was most likely,

[48:18] as I said before, a Mortal Kombat-themed strip show.

[48:22] Yeah, which would be called what?

[48:26] Dan.

[48:29] Stuart.

[48:31] Oh no, a redirection.

[48:33] Um, uh, Mortal Kumbat, with a C-U-M.

[48:38] No, that'd be just too harsh.

[48:39] I was hoping no one would say that.

[48:41] Wait, wait, wait, Mortal Kumbut.

[48:44] All right, that's better.

[48:47] Mortal Kumbut?

[48:48] I like it.

[48:49] That's the worst one yet.

[48:53] The first one, though, I like the idea of like,

[48:55] there's Kumb, and you use a butt, a bat to hit it.

[48:59] Yeah.

[48:59] You're hitting that, you're hitting that Kumbat.

[49:01] Kumbat.

[49:02] Get that out of here, man.

[49:03] Yeah, just to get it away from you.

[49:05] Dan, baseball in the year 2125

[49:08] has become a very different sport.

[49:10] Yeah.

[49:11] Yeah, instead of you have a pitcher,

[49:13] you have the ejaculator.

[49:17] Yep.

[49:18] It makes it very hard to come up with taunting rhymes,

[49:20] because you say, we want an ejaculator,

[49:22] not a, doesn't rhyme with belly itcher.

[49:25] What are you gonna say?

[49:26] Yeah, yeah.

[49:27] A smackulator, and you're like, what's a smackulator?

[49:31] And you say, shut up.

[49:34] Shut up and just play the game properly.

[49:35] And then the Philly fanatic, who at this point

[49:40] has been in numerous porno films, I have to assume,

[49:43] he just shakes his head like, disappointing, guys.

[49:46] Disappointing.

[49:47] Sure, yeah.

[49:48] Anyway, we don't have to spend any more time

[49:52] on that Mortal Kombat theater burlesque show.

[49:55] So she creates this character, she puts on this disguise,

[49:58] she walks past the monks, they see through it,

[50:00] Instantly and she doesn't even she doesn't even sell the bitch

[50:03] She just takes her wig off takes the cloak off and she's running around in this outfit for us to movie

[50:07] And I want to ask you guys

[50:08] Did this seem as?

[50:10] Gratuitous to you guys as it seemed to me that she changes clothes for one moment for a thing that doesn't work

[50:16] And then she's just stuck in that outfit the rest of the movie

[50:24] She had to dress up in like a sexy outfit

[50:30] Contract and it's like contractually

[50:39] And seriously

[50:41] That's how the business works Elliot. I don't like it. Yeah, and I moved out to LA. I thought it was you know

[50:46] Glamour, it was a strange garland Mickey Rooney. Yeah the dream factory exactly. I thought I was gonna

[50:51] It's like the end of the Muppet movie, right? Mm-hmm

[50:54] Yeah

[50:57] It's like the end of the movie is weird because they get their movie contract they start making their movie

[51:03] Which look they're also doing all the sets which seems weird because Hollywood is a union town. So it's like yeah

[51:10] What kind of studio is this Orson Welles running that the Muppets have to they're already not in the Directors Guild

[51:16] They're not in the Screen Actors Guild

[51:16] They're not in the Writers Guild and they're making their own sets and then everything falls down and explodes because of crazy

[51:22] Harry who is a maniac? I don't know why they keep him around

[51:27] Yeah, exactly and then the ceiling crashes in and a rainbow comes through and it's kind of a happy ending

[51:36] Dan yeah, you're that you're the resident manic Muppet maybe at maniac. Is that a happy ending or a sad ending?

[51:42] Like everything that involves the Muppets. It's a bittersweet ending. It's a

[51:47] Look life's like a movie write your own ending

[51:51] People even cry every time they get to that keep pretending. No, it's beautiful

[51:55] I mean like I mean their movie has been destroyed obviously

[51:59] But uh, but there's a you know, all the Muppets are together. They've got a rainbow. They've made the rainbow connection

[52:06] Yeah, that Dan good. Now the Muppet movie is a great movie, but you have to admit. Yeah movie. They're making looks pretty bad

[52:12] I mean, I have that problem much more with Muppets take Manhattan where I'm like this musical sucks

[52:18] Like

[52:19] Sub Mamma Mia level musical that they're putting on you're like

[52:23] There's so few Broadway houses out there that aren't taken up with jukebox musicals

[52:27] They're long-running for the tourists and now you're gonna get one with this garbage

[52:30] Yeah, the plot ragtime revival closed in less than a few months the entire plot of this movie

[52:36] This musical seems to be that somebody's getting married

[52:40] Somebody's getting married. Yeah, it's all somebody somebody somebody somebody

[52:47] It's like I it's it's like not as good as porcupine racetrack in terms of actually being a musical no

[52:56] Yeah, the state's porcupine racetrack, yes a sketch making fun of musicals is a better musical than the Muppets musical

[53:03] Well hot takes a lot of hot takes flying around in terms of brain smasher. Okay, so

[53:08] Samantha's wearing her sleazy outfit. She runs away Eddie is captured by the monks. Oh, no

[53:14] Samantha gets to the church where she's supposed to meet her sister and

[53:19] She admits to her sister that she might love Ed

[53:22] And this is when the sister explains that eating the lotus flowers gives you godlike powers

[53:26] Whatever you want happens and she gives like three or four examples of this you think of all worse you get a horse

[53:31] You think everybody loves you?

[53:33] Everybody loves you you think you have your own TV show you have your own TV show and I wanted Samantha be like, yeah

[53:38] I got it. Yeah

[53:40] It's pretty clear

[53:42] Meanwhile who is who who's the leader of the monks whose name I forgot to mention earlier

[53:46] He's just breaking his fingers for no particular reason

[53:50] They everyone decides to meet up for an exchange at the club where Ed works. They're gonna trade Ed for the Lotus and

[53:57] This somehow becomes Wu threatening Eddie

[54:00] So he's gonna kill Eddie unless Samantha says out loud that she loves him and the logic is very tortured as to why Wu wants

[54:07] To hear this or what this like

[54:09] Romantic he's like I wanted all ultimate power, but I'll settle for being a Cupid for you, too

[54:17] Like Wu has become such a Yenta this in this moment

[54:21] But Samantha has a gun that she got somewhere. Where did that gun come from? Do you guys remember America, dude?

[54:27] Yeah

[54:42] Yeah, he was and he said that even other bouncers at the clubs carry guns, but he's not gonna use it

[54:49] There's no honor in it. Yeah

[54:51] He's a regular ghost dog. Yeah

[54:54] Uh

[54:56] so they

[54:58] they throw they it's like

[55:00] They start shooting the monks

[55:02] They and Samantha goes catch and throws the containment unit with the Lotus in it to Wu

[55:08] it starts skittering all over the floor like an antidote in a temple of doom Shanghai nightclub and

[55:13] And we were scrambling for it and Wu just starts kicking everybody. It's just like he's kicking Samantha. He's kicking Eddie like yeah

[55:21] It's all kicks. And then finally Eddie he he realizes Wu's secret weakness

[55:27] He can't kick you if you hold on to his leg

[55:30] And he catches his leg and then punches him in the face hard enough to smash his brain

[55:34] Yeah, I thought that was gonna be like he discovers a secret weakness that his brain can be smashed

[55:44] April do you want to describe what it looks like when your brain gets smashed? That's the first time we really see it

[55:52] It's

[55:55] Like he has two craters where his eyes would be yeah

[56:00] Like really wrinkly

[56:07] It doesn't necessarily even look like the shape of a fist hit it it's like

[56:14] Like like somehow he got deflated a little bit and his eyeballs

[56:18] Like

[56:20] It's like

[56:22] part of this face got

[56:23] Got replaced with like an egg carton, but really wrinkly like yeah

[56:28] You put crepe paper all over an egg carton and then suck it in his eye sockets

[56:42] He's got

[56:48] He's like what's like how some bullfrogs they close their eyes when they're eating because their eyeballs actually push the food down their throat

[57:00] It looks a little bit like if you went up to a sketch artist at a comic-con and you're like

[57:04] I want you to draw ET, but he's a man

[57:12] Okay, I'm getting like paid nothing to do this so I guess whatever you tell me to do I'm gonna do it

[57:17] I guess I'll fulfill your fantasy

[57:21] Good just take time off of drawing Nate nude Aunt May and that guy's in sketchbook

[57:28] People do I remember once being at a comic book show and

[57:31] And I was talking to Evan Dorkin and this guy walked up to Evan Dorkin was like hey, can you do a sketch for me?

[57:36] He's like yeah, sure. What do you want? He's like well the theme of this book is supervillains drinking soda

[57:41] And he looked at him like what?

[57:48] So

[57:51] The anyway who despite having his brain smashed and his eyes pushed in he eats the Lotus and then promptly dies

[57:59] Because Samantha's Samantha's sister swapped in a poisonous substitute for the real Lotus. Why she didn't do this from the big earlier

[58:06] Yeah, yeah, I don't know and then she leaves and they're like hey

[58:10] so and so was it was it would it have worked if he ate it and she was like I

[58:15] Don't know I don't believe in that stuff like I'm a botanist. I don't care

[58:22] Yeah, she just just wasn't interested in it and she just brushes off like killing a dude through poison

[58:29] Actually, that's true Eddie has smashed a man's brain and now he has the moral high ground because he didn't he didn't trick someone into

[58:35] eating poison and

[58:39] It's also throughout the movie people they keep saying we're being chased by these killers these guys are killers

[58:43] But we never see them actually I guess except for the cop that they throw a bullet through the head of who shot at them

[58:49] First we never see them kill anybody else

[58:51] They just kick people but then they did that Samantha's sister just straight-up murders him anyway

[58:58] Ken was obsessed with the Warriors and that actor who plays Cammy

[59:07] Earlier but I didn't kind of like it like an all-night kind of

[59:10] Traveling through crime

[59:16] Yeah, that adds so much more emotional resonance to the movie than anything that happens in the movie

[59:22] and so

[59:24] Ed compliments Ed and Samantha are left alone with a bunch of dead monks in this nightclub and

[59:30] He compliments her hands and she admits eventually that she likes him

[59:34] Then they both admit that they love each other and then they kiss credits roll

[59:38] We never find out

[59:40] Who Andrew Dice play was telling this story to as we said the framing device does not frame

[59:45] It's like when you have one book end and the other book and is missing. So the books just fall down a lot

[59:50] Yeah, so brain smasher a love story

[59:56] It has a brain smash in it and it's also a love story. Yeah

[1:00:00] Yeah, as they say on the internet, it does what it says on the tin. It's uh, it's 100% there

[1:00:06] Now I've never saw a pyromaniac's love story. Is this a set a similar movie?

[1:00:13] April? No.

[1:00:15] Alright, fair enough.

[1:00:17] There's also Wrist Cutter's love story.

[1:00:19] Oh yeah.

[1:00:21] It's like a trend.

[1:00:23] The trend of like the like ironic subtitle.

[1:00:25] Yeah.

[1:00:27] It was vague for a while.

[1:00:29] Totally ironic.

[1:00:31] It's like you didn't expect this movie to have a love story as the subtitle.

[1:00:35] And then there's the movie Love Story, which is about a guy who smashes brains.

[1:00:39] Love Story, semi-colon, brain smasher.

[1:00:43] A brain smasher story.

[1:00:45] It would be like a remake, like the sequel to a love story.

[1:00:49] Isn't that like the ice skating one where the woman is blind?

[1:00:53] That's the cutting edge.

[1:00:55] No, she's not blind in the cutting edge.

[1:00:57] She's not blind in the cutting edge.

[1:00:59] Wait, she's not blind in the cutting edge?

[1:01:03] So you thought the cutting edge was about a woman who let her eyes got slit across?

[1:01:09] I thought that was why she was...

[1:01:11] Oh no, that was Jennifer Eight that I'm thinking of. I'm sorry.

[1:01:15] I thought you were thinking of the eyes of Laura Mars.

[1:01:21] I think I'm thinking of FX, The Deadly Art of Illusion.

[1:01:25] Where Brian Brown's girlfriend's blind, I think.

[1:01:29] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what you're thinking about.

[1:01:31] So here's the part where we make a decision about this movie.

[1:01:35] Whether it's a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[1:01:39] What does everyone think, guys?

[1:01:41] Oh wow, Dan, you're not even going to answer your own question?

[1:01:45] No, I'll answer. Am I up first?

[1:01:47] We all get to say how we feel about it, and then April will silently judge us until she tells us how she feels about it.

[1:01:57] Yeah, because she made us watch it.

[1:02:01] I have no regrets.

[1:02:03] I actually feel like this is hovering between a good bad movie and honestly a movie I kind of like.

[1:02:11] Because I was watching it and I was thinking to myself,

[1:02:15] you know what, I'm enjoying this movie a lot more than supposedly good movies that I've seen.

[1:02:21] It worked for me in a way that a lot of prestige films don't necessarily work for me.

[1:02:31] It's accomplishing its goals.

[1:02:33] And we were talking about, you know, Andrew Dice Clay, weirdly not a bad actor.

[1:02:41] I mean, as Stuart and I were talking about before the taping started,

[1:02:45] it's not like he has a lot of range.

[1:02:47] I mean, he's playing the Andrew Dice Clay character, but he plays it very well.

[1:02:53] And it does feel like he didn't show up for any of the choreography lessons before any of the action sequences.

[1:03:01] Like a lot of the action sequences just look like he's like rolling around.

[1:03:05] Yeah, but I mean, if a movie about a bouncer who attacks a bunch of like ninja monks sounds good to you.

[1:03:15] They're not ninjas, Dan. Maybe they don't get mentioned in the movie, but they're not ninjas.

[1:03:19] I was splitting the difference by calling them ninja monks.

[1:03:22] But if that sounds appealing to you, if like a kung fu movie where it's the kung fu versus a bouncer sounds appealing,

[1:03:35] then this is a good movie for you.

[1:03:37] Yeah, if you're in that very specific cohort.

[1:03:42] I think that's a Netflix category.

[1:03:45] If you're interested in bouncer versus monk movies, you should watch The Fifth Season of Arrested Development.

[1:03:53] And I'm like, Netflix, that algorithm doesn't make sense.

[1:04:00] Stuart, you go.

[1:04:01] Yeah, I think I'm going to go with I think it's a good bad movie.

[1:04:07] I feel like it's tough to be critical of it because it does feel like it's doing.

[1:04:11] It's exactly the movie it wants to be.

[1:04:13] It might be a little sloppily made, but like I don't think I think it's for the most part when it's being silly.

[1:04:23] It's intentionally being silly or it's very difficult for me to tell what's intentional and what isn't intentional.

[1:04:30] So, yeah, I mean, I think it's like I think it's a pretty fun good bad movie.

[1:04:36] I am going to go the other direction in Dan's where I'm going to say it's a movie I liked.

[1:04:41] And I expected to not like it because I don't know.

[1:04:46] It's got a dumb title.

[1:04:48] I hate the title.

[1:04:49] I hate anything that puts a love story at the end of it.

[1:04:52] But I was like this movie, I genuinely found it funny in a bunch of places.

[1:04:56] I genuinely enjoyed a lot of the camera work in places.

[1:05:01] Indra Day's play is perfectly serviceable as this bouncer character.

[1:05:06] It tapped into the crush I had on Terry Hatcher when I was like 13 years old and she was on Lois and Clark.

[1:05:13] And like I was saying, it framed the shots where people were talking with the camera a little closer to their face than you would find in an American movie, which is the kind of framing I really enjoy.

[1:05:21] And the colors in it are really good.

[1:05:24] And it does have Brick Bardo himself, Tim Thomerson, the doll man.

[1:05:28] Yes, yeah.

[1:05:30] I mean he doesn't shrink down and be doll man.

[1:05:34] Yeah, I mean that's one check in the minus column.

[1:05:39] I was watching this movie on headphones while my wife was doing something else in the same room.

[1:05:45] And I was like, and she was like, what happened?

[1:05:48] And I'm like, doll man is in it.

[1:05:50] And she was like, what?

[1:05:51] And I was like, well, he's in a movie where he's an alien cop.

[1:05:53] He's like a hard-boiled cop, but on earth he's 13 inches tall, so he's the size of a doll.

[1:05:57] And she was like, don't even tell me anymore.

[1:06:02] So, yeah, I enjoyed this movie.

[1:06:04] April, you picked this movie for us to watch.

[1:06:06] I did.

[1:06:07] I'm so happy that some of you like it.

[1:06:09] Stuart, I will win you over yet.

[1:06:11] I said it was a good, bad movie.

[1:06:13] I feel like that's, oh, I guess I have one foot on the shore, basically.

[1:06:18] The way you said that was very dicey.

[1:06:20] It's a good, bad movie.

[1:06:21] You said it's a good movie.

[1:06:22] Come on.

[1:06:24] But the real stars of this are the Foley artists who had to do so much walking on the streets.

[1:06:31] It's never-ending, just shoes, because they're walking so often.

[1:06:35] And I remember watching it like the second or third time.

[1:06:38] Wow.

[1:06:40] Wow, the Foley artists are really, really great.

[1:06:43] That's the kind of thing you know you get when you watch them in multiple viewings.

[1:06:46] So you would recommend watching Brain Smasher probably three times in a row?

[1:06:50] At least three, yeah, I would say.

[1:06:52] I would probably get the full smash of it, the heart and the brain.

[1:06:59] That would be your quote if the movie came out now.

[1:07:01] You'd be like, smashes your brain and smashes your heart.

[1:07:04] Oh, God, to be a critic in 93.

[1:07:07] That must have been a glorious time.

[1:07:09] Yeah, you'd have your own TV show.

[1:07:11] It'd start local, local regional television.

[1:07:14] Oh, yeah, definitely.

[1:07:15] And then it would get national syndication.

[1:07:17] What would it be called?

[1:07:19] Ebert and Siskel at the movies type show.

[1:07:23] Wolf Pick.

[1:07:24] Nice, that's pretty good.

[1:07:25] My last name is Wolf.

[1:07:26] Yeah, I love that part.

[1:07:28] I get it, guys.

[1:07:30] And Pick is like pack, but it's got an I in it instead.

[1:07:35] Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally got it.

[1:07:37] But would you spell P-I-C like picture, like movies?

[1:07:40] Oh, shit.

[1:07:44] Guys, we've got to get a time machine.

[1:07:47] Pitch this show.

[1:07:49] I mean, I feel like there's other things we could probably do with a time machine, but sure.

[1:07:53] Name one.

[1:07:54] Name one catastrophe we could avert.

[1:07:56] There aren't any.

[1:07:57] Things have been going great since 1993.

[1:07:59] It's been perfect.

[1:08:06] This is Mirror Universe Adam Pranica here to tell you not to listen to the greatest discovery on MaximumFun.org.

[1:08:13] This is Mirror Universe Ben Harrison uncharacteristically agreeing with you despite the fact that you are my enemy.

[1:08:20] The one thing that you must never do is enjoy our bit of off-season Star Trek Discovery programming

[1:08:26] where we talk about the first season of Star Trek Discovery while at the same time unpacking news and information about the upcoming season two.

[1:08:36] So do not tune in and download the greatest discovery on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:08:43] And rate it one star on Apple Podcasts.

[1:08:47] In a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts.

[1:08:53] A world where Casey Affleck has an Oscar and Angela Bassett does not.

[1:09:00] Only one podcast is brave enough to call bullshit.

[1:09:05] Who shot you?

[1:09:08] With Ricky Carmona.

[1:09:10] A lot of people don't know, Porgs, Puerto Rican.

[1:09:12] Alonzo Duralde.

[1:09:13] I would eat Oakjaw.

[1:09:15] April Wolf.

[1:09:16] I want to interrupt and say that the fish man was real sexy.

[1:09:19] Drea Clark.

[1:09:20] I have a real soft spot for King Kong.

[1:09:23] And women of color.

[1:09:25] I was like, damn!

[1:09:26] Right, Kugel got final cut.

[1:09:27] Kugel got final cut!

[1:09:28] It's literally the world's saddest orgy.

[1:09:32] And believe me, I'm from San Francisco.

[1:09:35] I've been through some sad orgies.

[1:09:37] Who shot you?

[1:09:38] Listen every Friday on MaximumFun or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1:09:47] So we got a few sponsors that we should mention.

[1:09:51] Oh, thanks.

[1:09:52] What are you saying, thanks to Dan?

[1:09:55] I'm saying thanks to Archie who smashed his face into my mouth.

[1:10:00] They brain smashed you.

[1:10:01] Yep.

[1:10:02] Archie the cat, brain smasher.

[1:10:05] Our first sponsor, The Flop House,

[1:10:07] is sponsored in part by Mack Weldon.

[1:10:10] You can look good and feel great in Mack Weldon

[1:10:15] because I'll tell you something.

[1:10:17] They believe in smart design, premium fabrics,

[1:10:19] and simple shopping.

[1:10:21] It's a very easy and convenient shopping experience

[1:10:25] to go to mackweldon.com.

[1:10:27] I assume that's mackweldon.com.

[1:10:29] I hope it is.

[1:10:31] Otherwise, I have screwed up this commercial royally.

[1:10:35] So Dan, did they give you, maybe look a little bit

[1:10:39] farther down in the ad copy?

[1:10:40] I know it's always.

[1:10:42] It is mackweldon.com.

[1:10:43] I know you always review the ad copy

[1:10:45] multiple times ahead of time, so you know it by heart.

[1:10:47] But maybe just glance down.

[1:10:49] And the URL is probably there at the bottom.

[1:10:50] Mack Weldon for your butt, right?

[1:10:52] Yeah, that's what it's called.

[1:10:55] Look, they've got a, guys, they've

[1:10:56] got a line of silver underwear and shirts

[1:10:59] that are naturally antimicrobial,

[1:11:03] so they eliminate odor.

[1:11:05] Like, the shirts eliminate odor on their own.

[1:11:09] Looks like a science fiction thing.

[1:11:11] Yeah, so you could just wear that shirt a couple of days

[1:11:13] in a row, and you'd be fine.

[1:11:15] Might as well call it Odor Smasher, a shirt story.

[1:11:19] If you don't like your first pair of underwear,

[1:11:21] you can keep it, and they'll still

[1:11:24] refund you with no questions asked.

[1:11:27] And I mean, no questions asked.

[1:11:32] Dan, let me just mention, you're not

[1:11:34] going to unlike that underwear.

[1:11:36] You're going to like it a lot, because it's a really quality

[1:11:39] piece of underwear.

[1:11:40] And undershirts are really good.

[1:11:42] And the silver ones are really good.

[1:11:43] Speaking as a Mack Weldon user, you're

[1:11:46] going to like the way you look, if you look at yourself

[1:11:49] in the mirror before you put your other clothes on.

[1:11:51] And also, the look is not the important thing.

[1:11:52] It's more the wearing of it.

[1:11:54] So you're going to like the way you wear it.

[1:11:56] I guarantee it.

[1:11:58] All right.

[1:11:58] Well, that's changed just enough to not be intellectual

[1:12:01] for how many days.

[1:12:02] Nobody can sue me now.

[1:12:06] Just for the listener, go to MackWeldon.com

[1:12:08] and get 20% off using promo code FLOP.

[1:12:11] That's MackWeldon.com, 20% off with promo code FLOP.

[1:12:18] And secondarily, but not, I mean,

[1:12:20] secondarily only in listing.

[1:12:22] Thanks for clarifying, Dan.

[1:12:23] Not in importance form.

[1:12:25] You saved me today.

[1:12:25] Thank the sponsors.

[1:12:27] Don't worry.

[1:12:29] Our other sponsor tonight, or whenever

[1:12:32] you're listening to this podcast, is Squarespace.

[1:12:36] Squarespace.

[1:12:38] You can create a beautiful website with Squarespace

[1:12:41] to turn your cool idea into a new website,

[1:12:43] showcase your work, announce an upcoming event

[1:12:45] or special project, or do a little e-commerce.

[1:12:50] You know, sell something.

[1:12:51] Make a little scratch with Squarespace.

[1:12:54] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:54] Squarespace, yeah.

[1:12:57] What?

[1:12:58] You use Squarespace to monetize your-

[1:13:02] Yeah, just go to Squarespace.com,

[1:13:04] the place you're supposed to go for squares.

[1:13:07] You hate it when you're supposed to have a square,

[1:13:09] but you don't have one.

[1:13:10] Go to Squarespace.

[1:13:13] Now, Dan, we've had a lot of laughs,

[1:13:14] but I actually have a serious business proposition.

[1:13:16] And I'm wondering if Squarespace would be able to help me.

[1:13:19] Are you going to pitch your new movie review website,

[1:13:21] Wolfpig?

[1:13:23] Yeah, it's called wolfpig.com.

[1:13:25] Elliot Kalin's place for movie reviews on the web.

[1:13:29] Now, it's-

[1:13:30] But only movies from 1993.

[1:13:32] What?

[1:13:33] It's only movies from 1993.

[1:13:35] Yeah, it's only movies from 1993,

[1:13:37] except for the film Wolf,

[1:13:38] which I think came out a different year.

[1:13:39] So it's either 1993 movies or Wolf-based movies.

[1:13:43] So, I mean, which means you could have, like,

[1:13:45] the Corda version of The Jungle Book in it.

[1:13:48] I think that has a wolf in it.

[1:13:49] You could have White Fang.

[1:13:50] You know, is Balto a wolf?

[1:13:52] Let's just say that he is.

[1:13:54] Sure, he's close enough.

[1:13:55] Technically, yeah.

[1:13:57] So, Dan, I had an idea for a website,

[1:13:59] and I'm hoping Squarespace-

[1:14:01] I'm sorry.

[1:14:02] All right, see?

[1:14:03] Now I'm talking like a Dan.

[1:14:04] See how it happens?

[1:14:05] Now, I'm hoping Squarespace can help me.

[1:14:07] Now, this movie really inspired me,

[1:14:08] but I was thinking, why stop at brains?

[1:14:11] Why not smash any organ?

[1:14:13] And so at organsmash.org, it's a non-profit.

[1:14:17] If you have excess organs you're not doing anything with,

[1:14:20] just send them to us.

[1:14:21] We'll smash them.

[1:14:22] Or we'll send you a kit to smash them at home.

[1:14:24] Upload your video to the website.

[1:14:26] Be part of the community, you know?

[1:14:28] Be part of the organ smash world.

[1:14:29] It's a place where friends can meet friends

[1:14:32] to smash each other's extra organs.

[1:14:33] Now, I don't know about you guys.

[1:14:34] I have two kidneys.

[1:14:35] I'm not using one of them.

[1:14:37] It's just, like, extra.

[1:14:38] I don't need it.

[1:14:39] So I think I might take it out and just smash it,

[1:14:41] and just post the video and get things started.

[1:14:43] And I was just-

[1:14:45] So organsmash.org, it is a non-profit, as I mentioned.

[1:14:48] All proceeds go to the Elliot Kalin Foundation for money,

[1:14:52] which is another non-profit that's oriented

[1:14:54] towards giving me money to buy things that I like.

[1:14:57] And, Dan, I wondered if Squarespace might be able

[1:14:59] to help me with both of those projects.

[1:15:03] I'm pretty sure it can.

[1:15:05] I think Dan's responding to an email now.

[1:15:08] No, I was-

[1:15:11] I was saying whether the slogan for The Phantom

[1:15:13] was either smash evil or slam evil.

[1:15:15] Slam evil.

[1:15:16] Slam evil.

[1:15:17] It was slam evil.

[1:15:19] Yeah, originally it was called Brain Slammer,

[1:15:22] which is a movie no one will watch.

[1:15:23] It was slam evil.

[1:15:25] Yeah, thank God they changed the title

[1:15:28] so that all these people saw it.

[1:15:30] You can do everything you want to, Elliot,

[1:15:32] because Squarespace gives you beautiful templates

[1:15:35] created by world-class designers,

[1:15:37] powerful e-commerce functionality,

[1:15:39] free and secure hosting,

[1:15:41] and nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

[1:15:44] Ever.

[1:15:44] Oh, that's great.

[1:15:45] I don't ever want to patch or upgrade things.

[1:15:47] Look, if you want to do this,

[1:15:50] why not check out squarespace.com slash flop

[1:15:53] for a free trial,

[1:15:54] and when you're ready to launch,

[1:15:55] use the offer code FLOP

[1:15:57] to save 10% off your first purchase of a website.

[1:16:01] Or first purse.

[1:16:02] Whatever.

[1:16:05] Thanks.

[1:16:06] Thanks, Elliot.

[1:16:06] Thanks.

[1:16:07] Hey, do you guys think Wedding Crashers

[1:16:10] would be different if the title was Wedding Smashers?

[1:16:13] It sounds more violent, right?

[1:16:15] I mean, it sounds like the November rain video.

[1:16:19] Because the cake gets destroyed?

[1:16:20] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:16:22] Here's another question.

[1:16:23] Do you think when Billy Corrigan was a kid,

[1:16:25] probably like eight,

[1:16:26] he went to the theater,

[1:16:27] saw Brain Smasher,

[1:16:29] and was like,

[1:16:30] I want to smash brains. Was that back when he was?

[1:16:31] I want to smash pumpkins.

[1:16:33] Wait, when he was eight,

[1:16:34] was that back when he played the kid on Small Wonder?

[1:16:40] Did Billy Corrigan do that?

[1:16:41] I think that was like a long-running urban legend

[1:16:45] when Smashing Pumpkins first came out,

[1:16:47] was that Billy Corrigan was the kid on Small Wonder.

[1:16:50] Like how people thought Marilyn Manson

[1:16:51] was the friend from Wonder Years?

[1:16:53] Yes.

[1:16:54] Yeah, it's exactly the same thing.

[1:16:56] Or how people thought the Karate Kid was Ralph Macchio?

[1:17:01] What?

[1:17:02] That's an urban legend you still hear today.

[1:17:07] All right, guys, before we move on,

[1:17:10] there's one last thing we should do,

[1:17:12] which is plug our live show in Seattle, Washington.

[1:17:15] Oh, cool.

[1:17:16] Right near-

[1:17:17] By the time we're releasing the show,

[1:17:18] it'll be very close to the live show.

[1:17:23] Yeah, so tell us more about this live show.

[1:17:24] I'm excited about it.

[1:17:26] It's at the Neptune Theater in Seattle, Washington.

[1:17:29] Oh.

[1:17:30] It's at 8 p.m. on June the 30th.

[1:17:34] That's Saturday.

[1:17:35] So you don't have to go to work tomorrow,

[1:17:38] presuming that you don't work on Sunday,

[1:17:40] which some people do.

[1:17:42] Yeah.

[1:17:43] Priests.

[1:17:44] Uh-huh.

[1:17:46] A lot of people in the service industry.

[1:17:48] Sure.

[1:17:49] Yeah.

[1:17:50] Who else?

[1:17:50] I don't know who else, Dan.

[1:17:55] All right, well.

[1:17:56] I mean, if your garbage pickup is on Sunday,

[1:17:58] which it's probably not,

[1:17:59] but then garbage men would work that day.

[1:18:01] I don't know.

[1:18:01] Police officers.

[1:18:02] I think people at Trump's golf clubs work on Sunday.

[1:18:06] Oh, yeah, that's a big golf day.

[1:18:07] Yeah, it's a big golf day.

[1:18:09] So if you're not in the golf industry,

[1:18:12] you can come to our show.

[1:18:14] I mean, you can still come to our show,

[1:18:15] just expect that you have to go to work the next day.

[1:18:18] Yeah, all right.

[1:18:18] I mean, just don't stay out too late.

[1:18:20] But if you don't have to go to work the next day,

[1:18:21] definitely come to the show,

[1:18:22] because we're going to go late, right, Dan?

[1:18:25] Probably, if previous shows are any indication.

[1:18:30] And, Dan, are we announcing the movie for it?

[1:18:33] The movie in Seattle, I believe, is The Mummy,

[1:18:36] the new starring Brendan Fraser.

[1:18:38] No, the one with Tom Cruise.

[1:18:40] No, it's Boris Karloff.

[1:18:41] No, the Thomas Cruise one.

[1:18:44] Oh, right, the one that was going to kick off

[1:18:46] the Dark Universe series.

[1:18:48] I can't wait for that next Dark Universe movie.

[1:18:51] Yeah.

[1:18:52] Hey, April, you got your finger on the pulse of movies.

[1:18:55] What's the next Dark Universe movie?

[1:18:57] I don't care.

[1:18:58] I really am trying not to pay attention to movies.

[1:19:01] But it's a Dark Universe.

[1:19:02] Oh, it's going to be...

[1:19:05] I think I heard it might be

[1:19:08] that SyFy Channel original Leprechaun reboot.

[1:19:12] Wouldn't that be awesome?

[1:19:14] Is that they're like, fuck it, the Dark Universe,

[1:19:17] we're just going to do Leprechaun.

[1:19:19] They're like, look, people don't care

[1:19:20] about the universal monsters anymore.

[1:19:22] At least they don't care when we make

[1:19:23] half-assed action movies out of them.

[1:19:25] So we can assume people don't like these characters.

[1:19:27] So we'll just do the Leprechaun.

[1:19:28] Wait, you're not talking about

[1:19:30] like the Warwick Davis Leprechaun.

[1:19:32] You're talking about a different Leprechaun?

[1:19:34] Yeah, the new one that's coming out.

[1:19:36] What?

[1:19:37] It was announced, yeah.

[1:19:38] I think SyFy is producing it.

[1:19:42] Oh my God.

[1:19:43] Okay, all right.

[1:19:45] I'm more excited about that.

[1:19:47] You're like, oh, this is a Leprechaun movie.

[1:19:49] Yeah, until the Dark Universe includes

[1:19:52] like the Madballs or some shit.

[1:19:54] I'm not into it.

[1:19:54] They're just thinking through it.

[1:20:00] through a Toys R Us catalog from like 1989 looking for say,

[1:20:04] well, are these muscle men, are they available?

[1:20:06] That would be incredible, dude.

[1:20:08] What about these robots that turn into rocks?

[1:20:11] We could use those.

[1:20:14] So that's going to be a really fun show.

[1:20:16] And as always, this is my promise to you, the attendee,

[1:20:19] when we do our presentations before the show, which

[1:20:22] we do at every live show, I will be doing a presentation

[1:20:25] explicitly tailored for that show only, which I will never

[1:20:28] perform again.

[1:20:30] So you're either going to go to that show and see it,

[1:20:32] or you're never going to see it.

[1:20:33] And it's a presentation about Seattle,

[1:20:36] so will a certain radio psychiatrist

[1:20:39] make an appearance in it?

[1:20:41] Possibly.

[1:20:43] Wait, he's going to, Kelsey Grammer's

[1:20:45] going to come to the show?

[1:20:46] Don't tell anybody.

[1:20:50] Moving on, though.

[1:20:51] I actually got the number one Kelsey Grammer impersonator

[1:20:54] in Seattle, Kelso Grammer.

[1:20:55] The only Kelsey Grammer day in Seattle is September 11th.

[1:20:59] What?

[1:21:00] That's really sad.

[1:21:01] It's very sad.

[1:21:04] Both sad that it's that day, and sad

[1:21:05] that Seattle was like, what do we got going for us?

[1:21:07] Kelsey Grammer, all right, it's the holiday.

[1:21:10] We've got to increase tourist traffic.

[1:21:14] It's like the opposite of the RoboCop statue of Detroit.

[1:21:20] That was a scandal.

[1:21:21] I think we've got to do it again.

[1:21:23] That was a scandal.

[1:21:25] I think we've talked about it before, maybe not.

[1:21:27] So that RoboCop statue got Kickstarter funded,

[1:21:31] and Detroit said, we don't want it.

[1:21:33] And I have to say, I understand Detroit's point of view

[1:21:35] on this one, that they did not want a giant monument

[1:21:37] to a movie all about how bad this city is.

[1:21:41] How it's a crime-infested sewage hole where

[1:21:43] people turn into mutants.

[1:21:45] Maybe that statue would depress crime.

[1:21:48] People in that general area will see RoboCop,

[1:21:52] and they'll be like, oh, better not.

[1:21:53] Oh, let me get rid of my nuke.

[1:21:55] Yeah.

[1:21:57] I think the statue would depress Detroit and its residents.

[1:22:01] Oh, this is what we're known for, huh?

[1:22:03] There has to be.

[1:22:04] I bet you it's the same way that there

[1:22:07] was the statue of Captain America that

[1:22:09] was briefly up in Brooklyn.

[1:22:11] And I remember seeing it and being like, look,

[1:22:13] I love Captain America.

[1:22:14] I love the Marvel comics.

[1:22:16] This doesn't really make much sense to me.

[1:22:18] Partly because he's a superhero who's

[1:22:19] based in the Lower East Side in the comics.

[1:22:21] But this idea that, like, oh, there's

[1:22:23] all these statues to, like, real dead people.

[1:22:25] And then there's one to Chris Evans as Captain America.

[1:22:28] Like, there must be a statue in Detroit

[1:22:30] to a real police officer who was killed in the line of duty

[1:22:32] at some point.

[1:22:33] And that statue would probably look at the RoboCop statue

[1:22:35] and be like, oh, really?

[1:22:37] OK.

[1:22:38] Well, Elliot, what about the statue

[1:22:39] to Ralph Cramden in Sunset Park?

[1:22:43] It's at Port Authority, isn't it?

[1:22:45] Oh, I thought it was in Sunset Park.

[1:22:47] OK, doesn't matter.

[1:22:48] I mean, that, too, that seems crazy to me.

[1:22:50] And what about the statue of Rocky in Philadelphia?

[1:22:53] Don't even get me started.

[1:22:54] At least they moved that so it's no longer

[1:22:55] at the top of the stairs of the Museum of Art,

[1:22:58] where it's literally like, Philadelphia's like,

[1:23:00] this is our idea of art.

[1:23:01] It's a statue of Sylvester Stallone.

[1:23:05] Like, the only way that gets away as art

[1:23:07] is if Jeff Koons sculpted it.

[1:23:08] And then I'd be like, OK, maybe.

[1:23:09] I don't know.

[1:23:12] We should move on, though, to letters from listeners.

[1:23:15] Actually, wait, can I tell a very quick story

[1:23:17] about my son, the four-year-old son, the art critic?

[1:23:20] Sure.

[1:23:21] We went to the La Brea Tar Pits.

[1:23:23] It's a great place to take a four-year-old.

[1:23:25] And it's right next to the Art Museum

[1:23:26] LACMA, the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

[1:23:29] And there was a big, I assume it's a Jeff Koons sculpture,

[1:23:31] because it was a big balloon animal, shiny sculpture

[1:23:34] off in the distance.

[1:23:35] And I was like, oh, Sammy will probably like that.

[1:23:36] We should walk over to it.

[1:23:38] And I was like, Sammy, let's go over to that sculpture.

[1:23:39] It's this big, shiny balloon animal.

[1:23:41] And he went, I can see it.

[1:23:42] It's just like, not worth the walk.

[1:23:47] OK.

[1:23:48] Not anyway.

[1:23:49] Get it, Sammy.

[1:23:50] Yeah.

[1:23:52] So our first letter.

[1:23:54] Now, Stuart thought that was going to be a longer story

[1:23:56] and left his seat.

[1:23:57] He walked.

[1:23:59] He took his drink glass and walked into the kitchen.

[1:24:03] And he's yelling that he's coming back.

[1:24:08] Oh, good.

[1:24:08] As if I had imagined that he was leaving the podcast forever.

[1:24:14] And this was the way he had chosen to.

[1:24:16] This isn't his Jack Parr moment, where

[1:24:18] he's just going to walk off stage

[1:24:19] in the middle of the show.

[1:24:20] All right, here he is.

[1:24:22] What did I miss?

[1:24:24] Great story about Sammy.

[1:24:29] So this is the segment where we read letters from listeners,

[1:24:33] listeners like you.

[1:24:35] And the first letter is from Ben, last name withheld.

[1:24:39] Who writes?

[1:24:41] Ben Kingsley.

[1:24:43] Hey, guys, what's Ben going to write in this letter?

[1:24:47] April Wolf is here to find out what this letter will

[1:24:50] say about Ben, by Ben, to Ben, to us.

[1:24:54] Hey, Ben, what's on your mind today?

[1:24:57] Hey, Ben, hope you'll be kind today.

[1:25:00] Hey, Ben, compost that rind today,

[1:25:03] because you're not going to eat it,

[1:25:04] but it could be used to enrich the soil in a public park,

[1:25:09] perhaps a farm somewhere dark, where inside that dirt,

[1:25:13] the worms will churn.

[1:25:14] And they'll eat up that rind and take their turn

[1:25:17] at making the world a more fertile place for the plants

[1:25:21] and the flowers all over the space.

[1:25:23] That is this world that we share.

[1:25:27] This letter is brought to you by Ben.

[1:25:29] So April, how was that for you?

[1:25:31] How was that being in the same room as that?

[1:25:34] That was such a good flow.

[1:25:36] Oh, thank you.

[1:25:38] Now, normally, when I would sing that in the same room

[1:25:40] as Dan and Stuart, I'll lock eyes with them,

[1:25:42] because they can't escape.

[1:25:43] But I was embarrassed.

[1:25:44] I was happy that they looked away.

[1:25:45] Oh, yeah, and I couldn't.

[1:25:46] It's like when there's a car stopped,

[1:25:48] and you're not sure if you're supposed to walk across the street

[1:25:51] and just look away, and then they

[1:25:52] could drive through the stop sign.

[1:25:54] That's, that's.

[1:25:58] So you treated me the same way you

[1:25:59] would treat, like, a very quiet homeless person, where you're

[1:26:02] like, if I don't look at them, I can tell myself I didn't notice

[1:26:05] that they were there.

[1:26:06] Maybe they're not asking for change.

[1:26:08] Maybe it's just a man who hasn't taken a bath in a while,

[1:26:10] who is taking that paper cup to get it filled with coffee

[1:26:14] somewhere.

[1:26:16] Yeah, maybe he's doing one of those Diablo Cody writing

[1:26:19] exercises, right?

[1:26:24] This is from Ben.

[1:26:25] So Dan, what did Ben say?

[1:26:26] What's Ben going to say?

[1:26:27] Last name 10.

[1:26:28] What's Ben going to say?

[1:26:29] Well, he writes, hi, peaches.

[1:26:32] I listened to your USS Naptown episode

[1:26:34] while hosting a sleepover for no fewer than six 10-year-old boys,

[1:26:39] my son's birthday party.

[1:26:41] Thank you, firstly, for helping me preserve my sanity

[1:26:43] during this challenging time.

[1:26:46] There was some debate among the boys over what movies to watch.

[1:26:50] They finally settled on Johnny English Reborn and Maze Runner

[1:26:54] Scorch Trials.

[1:26:56] A classic example of committee think leading to mediocrity.

[1:27:03] Alas, but they seem to enjoy themselves.

[1:27:06] Anyway, this got me thinking about sleepover-based movie

[1:27:09] experiences.

[1:27:10] Are there any formative, inappropriate, or just

[1:27:12] downright head-scratching films you guys

[1:27:14] remember seeing during sleepovers at friends' houses

[1:27:16] growing up?

[1:27:18] My memory goes back to 15-year-old me

[1:27:20] and a bunch of my friends excitedly beginning

[1:27:22] Blue Velvet and then being variously traumatized

[1:27:25] over the next couple of hours.

[1:27:27] Also, I have a random memory of my friend Nick and me

[1:27:30] renting and watching the sluggish, grown-up,

[1:27:32] neo-noir flick Tequila Sunrise one night.

[1:27:37] Anyway, over to you.

[1:27:40] So sleepover movie experiences.

[1:27:42] I have two that I remember.

[1:27:46] I remember, I think it was the same friend of mine.

[1:27:50] I watched the 1985 TV movie The Midnight Hour,

[1:27:58] starring Sherry Belafonte, LeVar Burton.

[1:28:01] Sherry Belafonte?

[1:28:03] Yeah.

[1:28:05] OK.

[1:28:06] LeVar Burton.

[1:28:07] That was when Sherry Belafonte, like Tiresias,

[1:28:09] had changed gender at the whim of the gods.

[1:28:13] Kevin McCarthy was in it, too.

[1:28:15] Dick Van Patten, and Wolfman Jack, and Kirtwood Smith

[1:28:22] looking through the IMDb page.

[1:28:24] And you're recounting this all from memory.

[1:28:26] Oh, well, I see.

[1:28:27] Yeah.

[1:28:30] And it was a-

[1:28:30] Because as a kid, you were like, whoa, Kirtwood Smith?

[1:28:37] Kevin McCarthy?

[1:28:38] Amazing, said 10-year-old Dan McCoy.

[1:28:41] It was a TV-

[1:28:42] He was in The Bisping.

[1:28:45] A TV-based horror movie about using an ancient scroll

[1:28:55] or something to, well, it really made an impression.

[1:29:06] They were like monsters overrunning the town

[1:29:08] or something like that.

[1:29:11] But the other movie-

[1:29:12] Dan, Dan, I cannot begin to imagine the stories

[1:29:15] you're not telling.

[1:29:16] This is the one you're choosing to tell.

[1:29:31] And then we watched, weirdly enough,

[1:29:35] the 1964 comedy Advanced to the Rear,

[1:29:42] which is a very strange choice for a sleepover.

[1:29:48] Are you familiar with this, Elliot?

[1:29:49] No, I am not.

[1:29:56] Like an army-based comedy?

[1:29:58] The IMDb page says-

[1:30:00] Union Army outfit of Misfits and Rejects ascended to the Western Territory.

[1:30:04] Southern spies try to figure out what they're up to.

[1:30:07] So it was a 64 black and white comedy with Glenn Ford and Melvin Douglas and Jim Backus.

[1:30:17] It's a very strange choice for a like group of 10 year olds watching a movie as a sleepover.

[1:30:25] Yeah, it's not even like you could be like, oh, this probably has nudity in it.

[1:30:28] Because as soon as you saw it was black and white.

[1:30:31] Yeah.

[1:30:32] So this this was a this was a dead end.

[1:30:35] Well, for you, maybe.

[1:30:36] For me.

[1:30:37] Not even a dead end drive-in.

[1:30:41] Yeah, I think the two movies that I watched the most as sleepover movies were Repossessed with Leslie Nielsen and Ski Patrol.

[1:30:56] With, you know, the cast of Ski Patrol, of course, you might you might you might see them when you look into the night sky for they are etched among the stars.

[1:31:08] The constellations, the constellations of the cast of Ski Patrol.

[1:31:12] So you were more into the saucy comedies.

[1:31:15] Yeah, I was super into saucy comedies with funny fart sound effects.

[1:31:18] And, you know, that type of stuff.

[1:31:22] I remember my friends and I, we would watch Akira a lot like Akira was a big sleepover movie once we reached a certain age and also like Monty Python movies.

[1:31:33] But we'd always have the experience of we'd start watching the movie.

[1:31:36] We'd fall asleep before it was over or our parents would tell us we had to go to sleep if we were before we turned 12 or 13.

[1:31:44] And then the next morning we would finish watching it.

[1:31:46] So all these movies where the most crazy stuff would happen at the end of the movie, but we'd be watching it the next morning.

[1:31:52] So I remember very clearly the like watching Life of Brian.

[1:31:55] And the first time I ever saw the scene where Graham Chapman opens up the window and you see his penis, it was like my friend's mom was just making breakfast in the other room.

[1:32:05] And it was a weird way to see this movie.

[1:32:09] I remember we, some friends of mine, we rented Mac and me and it was the only time when we were watching the movie and my friend's parents said, you guys have to go to sleep.

[1:32:20] And we were like, OK, that's fine.

[1:32:25] We finished watching it the next morning, more out of obligation than anything else.

[1:32:29] It was like, OK, I love that movie.

[1:32:31] Oh, it's taught me about wind power.

[1:32:34] How so?

[1:32:35] There's a lot of wind turbines, but I didn't know those existed.

[1:32:38] Oh, OK.

[1:32:39] It's really the thing I got out of it.

[1:32:42] I mean, that's the best anyone has ever gotten out of that.

[1:32:45] So what about you?

[1:32:48] Any sleepover movie memories?

[1:32:49] Oh, I wasn't popular.

[1:32:50] I didn't do sleepovers.

[1:32:53] But I did stay up late with my grandparents every night.

[1:32:57] And what movies did they watch?

[1:32:58] That's kind of a sleepover.

[1:33:01] Yeah, so the first movie I can remember watching with them, we watched it a lot.

[1:33:04] It was Sleepawaking.

[1:33:05] Oh, OK.

[1:33:06] That's crazy grandparent choice.

[1:33:09] Yeah, my grandfather's favorite movie is The Ice Cream Man, starring Clint Howard.

[1:33:15] Clint Howard.

[1:33:16] That tells you anything.

[1:33:17] So, you know, we watched a lot of those over and over and over again.

[1:33:22] April Fool's Day was a big one.

[1:33:24] Uh-huh.

[1:33:25] You guys remember the cover of that, the VHS?

[1:33:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:33:29] Not particularly.

[1:33:30] What did it...

[1:33:31] It's like a whole other back turn, right?

[1:33:32] Oh, right.

[1:33:34] That's right.

[1:33:36] Yeah, that was one of my favorite VHS boxes to see in the video store.

[1:33:46] Reminds me of home.

[1:33:49] When I was a kid, also, I had epilepsy, which is something that I grew out of, actually,

[1:33:53] which is apparently the thing that happens from time to time, is you can just grow out of epilepsy.

[1:33:59] But I had to get these brain scans that I would have to do while I was asleep.

[1:34:07] Like in the movie, brain scan.

[1:34:08] Yeah, and so to make sure that I was asleep, I would have to stay up the night before,

[1:34:15] so I would sleep through these tests.

[1:34:18] And my mom was very sweet.

[1:34:20] She would stay up with me, and we would watch movies.

[1:34:24] That's like a really nice story, dude.

[1:34:26] No, it is very nice.

[1:34:27] It is a very nice story.

[1:34:28] Yeah, why didn't you tell that story first?

[1:34:30] Instead of making us sit through this other...

[1:34:32] Listing names from a TV movie you didn't remember.

[1:34:35] I just remember that one of the movies that we watched was Shelley Long in Hello Again.

[1:34:44] So that was an interesting choice.

[1:34:46] That reminds me of a time when my mom and I, I think we were cleaning up the basement,

[1:34:50] and we were finishing late.

[1:34:51] I was probably like 14 or something.

[1:34:54] And on HBO, A League of Their Own was starting, a movie we had on tape.

[1:34:58] Like we owned it.

[1:34:59] We could watch it whenever we wanted.

[1:35:00] We could have said, oh, A League of Their Own, that's good.

[1:35:02] We'll just watch it tomorrow.

[1:35:03] But instead we were like, I guess we're watching this.

[1:35:05] And so we watched A League of Their Own until like 2 in the morning.

[1:35:09] And I think I had school the next day.

[1:35:11] Like I don't know why.

[1:35:13] You got a note from your mom.

[1:35:16] Please excuse Elliot today on account of Penny Marshall's A League of Their Own story

[1:35:21] of female baseball players.

[1:35:24] You can't stop when you see it.

[1:35:26] It's a good movie.

[1:35:27] It is a good movie, yeah.

[1:35:29] Eddie Spaghetti?

[1:35:30] So tragic.

[1:35:32] This next letter is from Devin, last name withheld, who writes,

[1:35:36] Hi Peach Squad.

[1:35:38] On a recent day home sick from work, I watched for the first time a movie

[1:35:42] that has been oft discussed on the Flophouse, Teen Wolf.

[1:35:46] Even though I'd never seen the film, the whole thing felt so familiar

[1:35:50] because of the many times I'd heard you guys discuss it on the podcast.

[1:35:53] There was Teen Wolf surfing on the car, just like Stuart said.

[1:35:57] There was the Civil War play, just like Elliot said.

[1:36:00] There was Boof being way cuter than that blonde girl, just like Dan repeatedly said.

[1:36:05] And then there was that dick nose t-shirt I'd heard so much about.

[1:36:11] So my question, what movies have you never seen but feel familiar with

[1:36:15] because they're seeped into your brain via cultural references,

[1:36:19] discussion by loved ones, or some other means?

[1:36:22] Bonus question.

[1:36:23] Who would win in a fight between Teen Wolf and Teen Witch?

[1:36:26] Keep flopping hard, gentlemen.

[1:36:28] Devin, last name withheld.

[1:36:30] Is it a fight or a basketball game?

[1:36:33] Or is it a rap battle?

[1:36:36] Well, Teen Witch isn't that good at rapping.

[1:36:38] It's her friend who's really good at it.

[1:36:40] That's true.

[1:36:41] She is really good at it.

[1:36:43] Yeah, you can't top that.

[1:36:47] What do you think, Teen Wolf or Teen Witch?

[1:36:49] Oh God, Teen Witch, all the way.

[1:36:51] Yeah, I thought I was her for all of my life.

[1:36:55] I didn't identify with her.

[1:36:57] You're like, any minute now, these witch powers are going to kick in.

[1:37:01] I've been waiting so long.

[1:37:02] I was sure it was going to happen at 15 because when you're a girl,

[1:37:05] they tell you that you're going to get witch powers at 15.

[1:37:09] Every single medium says that.

[1:37:11] And we were all disappointed.

[1:37:12] And we're all still waiting.

[1:37:14] So someday, maybe next year.

[1:37:17] The stork from Dumbo will show up late.

[1:37:20] She'll be like, oh, I was supposed to deliver this years ago.

[1:37:22] Here you go.

[1:37:24] What was that TV show where the girl's dad was an alien and she got witch powers?

[1:37:29] Out of this world.

[1:37:30] Out of this world.

[1:37:31] Thank you.

[1:37:32] Yeah, her dad, the voice of Burt Reynolds, was from Venus, I think.

[1:37:36] No, some other planet.

[1:37:37] Not Venus.

[1:37:39] Okay.

[1:37:40] But that's the same sort of thing.

[1:37:41] She gets witch powers at 16.

[1:37:43] Well, she can stop time and all that stuff.

[1:37:46] I think at the last episode she revealed she's a sleeper agent to overthrow the government or something

[1:37:50] and aliens take over the world.

[1:37:52] They eat our babies, I think.

[1:37:53] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:37:55] Yeah, yeah.

[1:37:56] That's how Small Wonder ended, too.

[1:37:58] Yeah.

[1:37:59] What if the girl from Out of This World, it's a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen type thing.

[1:38:04] It's her, the girl from Small Wonder, Alex Mack.

[1:38:07] Definitely Alex Mack, yes.

[1:38:09] And then I guess Clarissa would be the leader.

[1:38:12] She doesn't have any powers, but she kind of knows everything.

[1:38:14] She can explain it all to them.

[1:38:15] Sabrina would definitely be the leader.

[1:38:17] Yeah, Sabrina's on it, too.

[1:38:18] That's our team, guys.

[1:38:20] All right, I guess we've answered that question.

[1:38:22] Some Blumhouse fan, make that poster.

[1:38:24] To answer the other part of the question, I've never seen, I feel like that's already an Alan Moore comic book, right?

[1:38:32] But with way more creepy sex.

[1:38:34] Yeah, I don't want Alan Moore's version of it.

[1:38:37] Okay, to answer the earlier part of that question, I've actually never seen Pretty Woman,

[1:38:42] but I reference it all the time.

[1:38:45] I've never seen Dazed and Confused, and I think I never will.

[1:38:52] What?

[1:38:53] But I spent, at one time, I took a side job transcribing footage for a documentary

[1:38:59] about the behind the scenes of Dazed and Confused, and I transcribed something like 30 hours of footage.

[1:39:05] And so I haven't seen the movie, but I feel like I've seen behind the back of the movie.

[1:39:10] And so I'm like, I get it.

[1:39:11] I get the deal.

[1:39:12] I don't need to watch this movie.

[1:39:13] Like, I was doing it as a late night job after my regular day job.

[1:39:18] So it would be really late at night, and I'd be transcribing at times silent footage of night shoots of the movie,

[1:39:24] and I started feeling like I was in the footage.

[1:39:27] So not only, I've lived Dazed and Confused.

[1:39:29] I don't need to watch it.

[1:39:30] Yeah, sure.

[1:39:31] Which is also, when I remember when Saving Private Ryan came out, my grandmother said,

[1:39:35] I don't need to watch that.

[1:39:36] I lived it.

[1:39:37] And I was like, you didn't fight in World War II, Grandma.

[1:39:39] I don't like this.

[1:39:40] Just like, I was behind enemy lines saving Matt Damon.

[1:39:44] I don't need to see that movie.

[1:39:45] Your grandma sounds cool.

[1:39:47] She is very cool.

[1:39:49] I feel like this is not necessarily true of movies that I still haven't seen,

[1:39:53] but it's true of movies that I have seen, but by the time I got around to seeing them,

[1:39:59] they were already gone.

[1:40:00] in my mind. Okay. For instance, like Citizen Kane, I saw the Bobo episode of The Simpsons

[1:40:08] and that's basically Citizen Kane. And so by the time Citizen came around, I'm like,

[1:40:12] oh, that's what all those jokes in The Simpsons were about. I get it now. I feel like Simpsons

[1:40:17] references to movies was the primary way I was introduced to like classic movies. Yeah.

[1:40:24] I feel like it's not like Alien was something where I saw Spaceballs long before I saw Alien.

[1:40:29] Right. Yeah, of course you did. It's amazing. For a long time. Yeah, because it's the greatest

[1:40:33] comedy ever made. But so like for a long time, it was like, oh, yeah, the movie, but like

[1:40:37] I knew there was a movie where an alien popped out of a guy's chest. And I knew Spaceballs

[1:40:42] was making fun of it, but I didn't know that movie. Yeah. Now, of course, I watch Alien

[1:40:47] all the time. Spaceballs, I haven't seen in a while. It doesn't hold up. The last time

[1:40:53] I watched it, a little bit of it, I was like, this is not the movie 12-year-old me thought

[1:40:56] it was. What about the but the alien scene that still works, though, right? Because it's

[1:41:01] John Hurt. That's hilarious. It's the guy in the puppets. Pretty good. Yeah, he's doing

[1:41:06] like the Detroit Frog, like the hell am I? Mm hmm. Michigan J. Frog. Michigan J. Frog.

[1:41:12] Detroit's in Michigan. So she gets partial credit. But Detroit Frog, Robo Frog. He's

[1:41:19] actually from Lansing. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah. This last letter is from

[1:41:27] Ian, last name withheld. Ian McKay of Minor Threat, who writes probably he writes a few

[1:41:35] months ago, I moved into an apartment just north of Flatbush while coming back from my

[1:41:39] gym near the southeastern corner of the park. I noticed none other than a Popeye's remembering

[1:41:45] that the favorite fabled Hinterland's bar was nearby. I thought for a moment this might

[1:41:49] be the legendary Popeye's that Elliot would visit before recording episodes. After pausing

[1:41:54] to look upon the Church of Fried Chicken, I realized that, of course, you guys didn't

[1:41:57] all just live near slash above Stewart's bar in a sitcomic fashion, spilling your triumphs

[1:42:03] and troubles in your spot at the bar every time while embarking upon various shenanigans

[1:42:08] primarily in your three main stages, the bar, the recording room and the writers room of

[1:42:13] The Daily Show, where other exasperating employees would always question Stewart's

[1:42:17] routine appearances in the office, despite him not working there. This actually kind

[1:42:22] of feels like the times I've visited you guys. So what if there was a sitcom about the Flophouse?

[1:42:31] Would it be multi or single camera? What catchphrases would you guys have? Would there be an all

[1:42:35] musical episode where Elliot's frequent singing infects the entire cast? How many seasons

[1:42:40] did Dan's knee jokes last? The list goes on. Stay peachy. Ian last name withheld. So

[1:42:48] I just, I mean, I mostly enjoyed the story about him having these delusions about us

[1:42:53] all living in a sitcomy world where we had like three sets that we...

[1:43:00] Yeah, there was a time where we were considering like, hey, so we do this dumb podcast. Could

[1:43:06] we figure out a way to turn this dumb podcast into a TV show? And the version of the show

[1:43:11] I pitched was basically that, but with like an old movie theater. So I think that we were

[1:43:15] running an old movie theater, but we could only get bad movies, right? Yeah, I think

[1:43:19] it's a great idea. Or I think it's like Dan and Harrod said or something. And we were

[1:43:23] like forced to go with him. We're forced to be as Butler by a judge.

[1:43:34] It's something that I hadn't really thought about, but I should have, because describing

[1:43:38] that where we all live in the same place and we all hang out in the same place, like growing

[1:43:42] up as a kid, I wanted that so badly. When I would watch like a sitcom like Friends or

[1:43:48] Seinfeld or even like Charles in Charge or Saved by the Bell, it was like, oh, they had

[1:43:54] this one, each character has this one group of friends that's like five people. They spend

[1:43:58] all their time together. They hang out at the same place. They always know they're going

[1:44:02] to be there. Like it seemed like such a, like as a kid without a lot of friends, it

[1:44:07] was like, oh, like what a beautiful vision where I have this circle of friends who know

[1:44:11] everything that's going on with me because we're always hanging out and we have this

[1:44:15] one place. And I had this fantasy of like someday when I'm a grown up, I'll have like

[1:44:21] a restaurant I go to. And when they see me, they'll know me and they'll go the usual and

[1:44:25] I'll say yes. And then I'll get the food that I want because that's how it was in sitcoms

[1:44:30] all the time. And then growing up, I'm like, that sounds terrible. It's like you're trapped

[1:44:34] in a, in a relationship prison. You only go to one place and you only know like five people

[1:44:38] like where's the rest of your life. But yeah, it's kind of depressing when people actually

[1:44:43] know what you're going to order at a restaurant. You're like, oh, I should go someplace else.

[1:44:46] Yeah. Try one of the other things on the menu. Yeah. Yeah. As an adult watching like Friends

[1:44:52] or something, I find that so baffling. It's just like the idea of these five people just

[1:44:56] hanging out at the same coffee shop all the time just horrifies me. And they also live

[1:45:01] across the hall from each other. So it's like I, me and my roommates and the guys across

[1:45:06] the hall, their roommates, you know what? Let's go hang out at the coffee shop together

[1:45:10] because we're all like, they don't see anyone else. They're always around each other. It's

[1:45:14] like you would get so mad at these people like you need. It's like when I was a kid,

[1:45:19] it was like, I would love to be in this closed universe. You know, there's got to be at least

[1:45:24] one episode where an outsider explains that, like it's dating. I don't know. Chandler,

[1:45:29] is that one of the characters? Yeah. It's a carnival made midway that they all get.

[1:45:44] Yeah. So I think there's an episode where somebody is like, yes, I'm hanging out with

[1:45:50] Jimbo and Phoebs and I don't know, Monaco. Raytron and Rossigator. Yeah. Well, there was

[1:46:03] there's that Seinfeld episode where Elaine hangs out with the bizarro Seinfeld characters and

[1:46:08] they're nice people. And it was like, oh, yeah, there's no reason these characters can't hang

[1:46:13] out with other people, you know. But you also see in that we are what my wife, I've been watching

[1:46:18] some early episodes of Seinfeld and you see like there are more extra characters. Like the

[1:46:23] characters will talk about other friends that they have much more than in later episodes where they

[1:46:27] were just like, whatever. It's just these four people. They're the only ones they know. They're

[1:46:31] probably like in hell. And this is, you know, what their punishment is. They're stuck in this world.

[1:46:36] Yeah. Yeah. They've got another friend. Yeah. There's another friend. Or like Elaine has a

[1:46:45] roommate early on and you never and the character like kind of disappears after a certain point.

[1:46:49] Yeah. But also it's later on, you notice I don't know if you notice this, but in later episodes,

[1:46:54] later seasons, at the end, there's the production logo for Bad Robot. And at that point, I'm like,

[1:46:59] they're in purgatory. That's the secret. That's the there's got to be a twist.

[1:47:05] Got me again, Lindelof. The other thing about watching Seinfeld now is it's depressing how

[1:47:11] young the characters seem to me now where I'm like watching it as a kid. I was like,

[1:47:16] oh, these are grownups and they're like adults and they're like probably like my parents age.

[1:47:20] And now to watch it now and there's one episode where George is like, I'm 33. And I'm like,

[1:47:25] wait, what? I'm like, well, I am a married man with a child. They also all dress,

[1:47:35] their clothes are crazy, which is hilarious. Anyway, Seinfeld. I don't know if you guys

[1:47:39] heard of it. Try to try it out. Maybe that's my recommendation. Oh, wow.

[1:47:43] It's being a mom from Brain Smasher. Oh, yeah. And I mean, and Terry Hatcher from

[1:47:50] Brain Smasher. Yeah. Yeah. She's in two episodes. Yeah. Yeah. There's an episode.

[1:47:55] So doing my Brain Smasher looking up where I was just looking up what the other actors were in.

[1:47:59] I saw that the actor plays Wu was in an episode of Lois and Clark,

[1:48:03] The New Adventures of Superman. And I started trying to think about what his relationship

[1:48:07] with Terry Hatcher was like. Like at first I was like, oh, that must have been really fun

[1:48:10] that they were on that. They were reunited after being a brain smasher. And I'm like,

[1:48:13] but maybe like one, maybe she was really like not nice to him and they didn't get along.

[1:48:18] And now he's like, I got to work with her again. Or she was like rubbing it in his face that she

[1:48:23] was the lead on a network show. And he wasn't like I just I kept getting caught up in my fan

[1:48:28] fiction of their behind the scenes interactions. I think they were having an affair. Really?

[1:48:33] Yes. I mean, it's an it's an intense movie. Brain Smasher. Yeah. A lot of love affairs

[1:48:40] on that set. They call them the Brain Smasher babies, the babies that were born of the illicit

[1:48:45] love affairs from behind the scenes. Sure. I think they try to make that into a movie

[1:48:49] with Vin Diesel. We did an episode on it. Brain Smasher babies. Yeah. Yeah. It was adapted

[1:48:56] into Babylon, A.D., actually. Oh, that was the last episode. OK. Hey, guys, let's do our last

[1:49:03] segment, which is called Recommendations. OK, why don't we do that? Movies that we've seen

[1:49:09] recently or not so recently that we liked. Hey, do we have do you need a second on that? I second

[1:49:15] that motion. OK. Vote on it. I think the motion is passed. And procedure, OK. I'll go first,

[1:49:24] I guess. I watched a movie. I went out and saw a little film recently called Upgrade,

[1:49:32] starring a guy who looks just like Tom Hardy. Like, I seriously spent the entire film thinking

[1:49:40] that I was watching Tom Hardy and then I thought that was Tom Hardy in that movie. Yeah. Logan

[1:49:44] Marshall Green. Logan Marshall Green. He's the trailer. And I thought it was at first when I saw

[1:49:48] the trailer, I thought it was a trailer for Venom, which is, yeah, because like Venom,

[1:49:52] it's kind of a similar storyline, actually. Yeah. Yeah. I would consider this the symbiote is a bit

[1:49:59] of an upgrade.

[1:50:00] Right guys sure

[1:50:03] Not with the effects in the trailer

[1:50:07] So the trailer looked like he ate too much gushers

[1:50:13] Tom Hardy's normal face is scarier than that weird venom face. You're right. So upgrade though is about a

[1:50:21] You know future world where Logan Marshall Green's wife gets

[1:50:28] Killed and he gets he turned into a quadriplegic

[1:50:32] by these street goons and he wants to take them out and he gets the

[1:50:38] Opportunity to do so because he's given an upgrade

[1:50:42] by a guy who

[1:50:44] implants this

[1:50:45] stem

[1:50:48] Chip in his back. Okay, and

[1:50:51] They're only laughing because

[1:50:53] You were it seemed like you're really going through the motions describing the plot until you got to the upgrade and then you were very

[1:51:02] And

[1:51:04] So, yeah, you remembered like something awesome's about to happen

[1:51:09] Oh, yeah the upgrade

[1:51:18] It's interesting though because like it's set up to be this

[1:51:22] this normal like revenge movie and

[1:51:26] It does a few interesting things like the guy in it is

[1:51:29] Kind of not necessarily that into the idea of having revenge like he wants to go about it in like

[1:51:35] Kind of a more normal way, but he sort of gets forced into taking revenge in an interesting way

[1:51:42] And there's a real seeking justice is what you're saying

[1:51:46] No, I'm not saying that at all and it takes is it like an I spit on your grave

[1:51:55] Mr. Payback

[1:51:58] None of these are accurate

[1:52:00] Okay, so just payback then

[1:52:03] Yes, it's exactly like payback the remake of

[1:52:07] point-blank

[1:52:09] No, it's uh, it does some things that are

[1:52:13] Like the movie is dumb in the best way

[1:52:16] But it does some like things that are smart in ways that I didn't expect like for instance

[1:52:21] There's a cop character who's on the tail of the lead character

[1:52:25] who's a lot brighter than cop characters in these type of movies are and she actually, you know, like really kind of

[1:52:32] Is on him from the start and the guy who gives him the upgrade is not just like I'm gonna give you this

[1:52:40] Technology and I'm gonna like let it go. He's like, no, I'm gonna give you this technology

[1:52:44] I'm gonna monitor what the hell you're doing with it

[1:52:47] which is kind of an interesting wrinkle to

[1:52:50] What goes on in the movie and the movies just surprises me in a lot of ways like it goes places that I'm not I wasn't

[1:52:56] Suspecting and it feels like a really kind of grungy

[1:52:59] 1980s style low-budget

[1:53:02] Kind of

[1:53:05] Science fiction movie with even like a few horror overtones and it's really splattery and gross in a certain way that I wasn't expecting and

[1:53:12] It's just a lot of fun. And so if you like B movies of a kind that they don't really make anymore. I

[1:53:20] Recommend upgrade. Yeah, I think this one's up my alley. I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, I think you would like it's do

[1:53:24] I'll go next. I'm gonna I'm gonna recommend a movie. I saw recently that I probably should have watched a while ago

[1:53:31] And that's Macon Blair's movie. I don't feel at home in this world anymore. I think is the title

[1:53:38] It's a very long one and I could have fucked it up

[1:53:41] Macon Blair is a longtime collaborator with

[1:53:44] Jeremy Saulnier or Saulnier who made previous Stuart Wellington recommendations murder party

[1:53:51] This this movie stars Melanie Linsky who is I don't know I feel like one of the most underrated

[1:53:58] working actors out there like I think it's kind of it's kind of criminal that she hasn't gotten all the awards for everything because she's

[1:54:06] always great

[1:54:09] She so she plays the lead and she plays a

[1:54:14] woman kind of stuck in a rut

[1:54:16] She so she plays the lead and she plays a woman kind of stuck in a life

[1:54:22] That she is doesn't seem particularly happy with and she's going through the motions

[1:54:26] And she might you might even say she doesn't feel at home in this world. You might even say that

[1:54:31] I mean, I wouldn't say that

[1:54:33] and she's kind of like woken up out of this by

[1:54:39] By somebody burglarizing her home and that leads her down a path where she

[1:54:46] Gets mixed up with some

[1:54:48] stuff that happens

[1:54:55] Gets an upgrade that upgrades name is Elijah Wood

[1:55:00] Who is fun in the movie and there's also there is?

[1:55:04] and it's

[1:55:06] Megan Blair

[1:55:07] obviously shares a sensibility with Jeremy Saulnier so like

[1:55:12] When violence happens it is shocking and horrible

[1:55:16] and

[1:55:18] splattery Dan and I like splattery and I also want to point out that the

[1:55:24] The one of the villains is played by David Yao from the Jesus lizard

[1:55:29] who

[1:55:30] Does this great like crazy?

[1:55:33] Performance and it reminds me a bit of Dwight Yoakam from Panic Room

[1:55:38] And that I was like like just super freaked out by this guy. I don't know. It's hard to explain

[1:55:44] But yeah, if you liked if you liked any of the movies that I've mentioned in this recommendation

[1:55:49] You should totally watch it and it's on Netflix. So just watch it dummy

[1:55:55] Okay, April have you seen anything recently the recommend or

[1:56:00] I mean

[1:56:04] No, not yet, I keep me to watch it, but I haven't had a chance revenge is I okay, so I'm a huge fan of

[1:56:13] these and

[1:56:15] Studying them and being like

[1:56:18] Taking a feminist lens and looking at why they exist and what their function

[1:56:24] This one is directed by Coralie Fargeot and it is amazing it is like

[1:56:32] How do I it's equal parts like suspenseful and then just what the fuck but you think it's gonna go on a normal trajectory

[1:56:39] Of a rape revenge movie and then things just get fucking insane. There's like a self-surgery scene

[1:56:45] She brands herself. There's like

[1:56:49] All of these moments of just so much blood that there's no way that any human could have that much

[1:57:00] There's there's one you have to say there's one scene with glass in the bottom of a foot which is both

[1:57:08] Hilarious and just I had to look away and I never look away from these

[1:57:13] I actually felt sick to my stomach and laughed at the same time

[1:57:18] It's brightly colored in the ending is just it's perfect. It's so good

[1:57:24] Wait, the ending turns into the movie pitch-perfect

[1:57:28] It turns in the movie which is Drew Barrymore, correct?

[1:57:34] That's never been kissed

[1:57:37] Or the and she was in that one with with the

[1:57:40] Jimmy Fallon

[1:57:44] No fever pitch, sorry

[1:57:49] It's perfect is the is the

[1:57:53] Acabella music series

[1:58:01] Wow somebody somebody slapped on the DVD box, that's what that's called

[1:58:06] I

[1:58:13] Remember my mom's review of pitch-perfect to which was she texted she goes I saw your friends John Hodgman and Jason Jones in a movie

[1:58:19] Wasn't very good

[1:58:22] Like well, I guess I'll tell my friends that you didn't pick the movie they did for money

[1:58:26] I have a lot of friends who love those movies. I think that I prefer a lot of blood

[1:58:35] So revenge revenge

[1:58:39] I think it's I think it's stream of all. Yeah, it is

[1:58:45] Like I know Amazon or your cable package

[1:58:50] You can definitely read it from iTunes I've considered doing so multiple times

[1:58:55] Yes support gross movies I feel like that would be your celebrity charity

[1:59:04] I'm gonna recommend the movie that I think I wasn't thinking of it this way, but now I am I think it's maybe the

[1:59:12] 1940s version of brain smasher a love story in some ways. It's not don't get too excited

[1:59:17] It's not really but which is a movie called journey into fear

[1:59:21] Starring Joseph Cotton with Orson Welles in a small part

[1:59:24] and then there's just like all the all the other people who were in kind of the Orson Welles Mercury Theatre acting group and

[1:59:31] Joseph Cotton is an American

[1:59:34] munitions worker

[1:59:36] Executive who's in Europe World War two is broken out. It's 1943 and someone wants to kill him and it's just kind of him on the run

[1:59:43] interacting with various kooky characters

[1:59:46] and never really understanding what's going on at any given point and

[1:59:51] There's it's this movie it's super short

[1:59:53] it's like an hour and 15 minutes and

[1:59:55] It feels like one of these beat-the-devil type movies where they're just kind of like making it up as they

[2:00:00] with and enjoying it themselves.

[2:00:02] And there's a really great final action scene

[2:00:05] where it's a shootout in the rain on a ledge

[2:00:09] outside of a building where Joseph Cotton is,

[2:00:13] you're supposed to believe that Joseph Cotton

[2:00:15] is gonna have trouble taking down

[2:00:18] what is maybe the fattest assassin I've ever seen

[2:00:20] in a movie, but it's like.

[2:00:23] I don't know, Dan Aykroyd was in Gress Point Blank.

[2:00:26] No, no, he's bigger than, come on.

[2:00:28] I mean, sure, okay, that's a, okay, fair point.

[2:00:31] But he.

[2:00:32] I know when you think of Dan Aykroyd,

[2:00:34] you probably think of Ray Stantz

[2:00:37] from the real Ghostbusters cartoon.

[2:00:39] But that's not what he looks like.

[2:00:41] I guess he is kind of fat, too, in that one.

[2:00:43] Let's see, that's not what he looks like now.

[2:00:46] He's not even a cartoon anymore.

[2:00:50] Now, I know if you're me, when you think Dan Aykroyd,

[2:00:52] you think of a Beldar from the Coneheads movie.

[2:00:55] He doesn't look like that anymore.

[2:00:56] He had his head sanded down.

[2:00:59] Now, if you're like me, I know what you're thinking.

[2:01:03] Dan Aykroyd, you're thinking of Exit to Eden.

[2:01:05] He doesn't have a mustache anymore.

[2:01:06] He shaved it off.

[2:01:07] He doesn't have that.

[2:01:09] He's no longer wearing bondage gear.

[2:01:12] All the time.

[2:01:14] But it's the same way that Brainsmasher's

[2:01:16] like a very lady.

[2:01:17] I think Exit to Eden is similar to Brainsmasher

[2:01:19] in that I think the only way you can watch it

[2:01:21] is by renting it on YouTube.

[2:01:24] Or having a fever dream.

[2:01:31] Now, all I can imagine is what if Doll Man

[2:01:33] showed up in Exit to Eden?

[2:01:34] What a strange movie that would be.

[2:01:37] Yeah, he ends up painting Rosie O'Donnell's house

[2:01:39] at the end.

[2:01:44] That's a movie, Exit to Eden is very of its time

[2:01:46] in that it has a jewel robbery plot line

[2:01:50] at a time where it was like, well, we're doing a comedy.

[2:01:52] I guess somebody's gonna steal some jewels.

[2:01:56] How else are we gonna have a comedy plot

[2:01:57] if there's no jewels that get stolen?

[2:01:59] The same way that whenever characters in a sitcom

[2:02:03] would go overseas in a sweeps week episode or movie,

[2:02:07] they'd always get mixed up with spies.

[2:02:09] I don't know how we're gonna explain

[2:02:10] that the Family Ties crew is in Europe

[2:02:12] unless they get mixed up with spies at some point.

[2:02:15] Someone's gotta get mixed up with some spies.

[2:02:17] I feel like that did like wonders

[2:02:20] for like travelers checks or something.

[2:02:23] Because every time people went overseas,

[2:02:25] they're like, it's a hotbed of intrigue over there.

[2:02:29] I wanna protect my cash with these travelers checks.

[2:02:35] So anyway, the same way that Brain Smasher

[2:02:37] is a very fun but pretty dumb

[2:02:42] kind of late 80s, early 90s type

[2:02:44] of direct-to-video action movie,

[2:02:46] Journey into Fear is a very fun but kind of dumb

[2:02:50] but 40s spy thriller in a way that like,

[2:02:55] the movie, you can tell that it's like,

[2:02:57] the movie doesn't really care that much

[2:02:59] what the spy thriller is,

[2:03:01] and the characters never quite know what's going on.

[2:03:04] And you're not talking about Wages of Fear.

[2:03:07] No, not Wages of Fear, the movie about truckers

[2:03:10] who are moving explosives through a jungle.

[2:03:12] That's very different.

[2:03:13] That's a very different movie.

[2:03:14] Okay, I got confused.

[2:03:16] Sorcerer, I've never seen.

[2:03:18] Oh, it's great.

[2:03:19] But Journey into Fear, which is,

[2:03:23] it feels like they took a real spy story

[2:03:26] and then like joked it up,

[2:03:28] in a way where nobody really knows what's going on,

[2:03:31] nobody really cares, but it looks really good.

[2:03:33] Joseph Cotton is great as a kind of like a bumbling hero.

[2:03:36] Is that the one that ends with the thing about the cake?

[2:03:39] No, no, that's Ministry of Fear.

[2:03:40] Oh, okay.

[2:03:42] Ministry of Fear is a great movie too.

[2:03:43] Ministry of Fear, the first half hour of that,

[2:03:46] it's so creepy to me because the guy,

[2:03:48] Ray Moland wins a cake at a village kind of like fair

[2:03:53] and then he leaves and everyone's trying to kill him

[2:03:55] and he has no idea why.

[2:03:56] And as soon as they explain what the deal is with the cake,

[2:03:58] it stops being quite as creepy.

[2:04:00] But then yeah, he has to, he's an ordinary guy

[2:04:03] who I think, I forget what he's, what kind of trauma,

[2:04:06] he was just released from a mental institution.

[2:04:08] Now he's being chased by people and they're shooting at him

[2:04:10] and he has to kill a man at the end.

[2:04:11] And it ends with a joke about what he's gonna serve

[2:04:13] at his wedding.

[2:04:14] Like, the same way that The Uninvited,

[2:04:18] also with Ray Moland, is a genuinely scoopy ghost,

[2:04:20] scoopy, genuinely scoopy, it's made of ice cream.

[2:04:23] It's also scoopy.

[2:04:25] It's a genuinely spooky ghost movie

[2:04:28] that ends with a mother-in-law joke.

[2:04:30] It's like, Ray Moland, I don't know what's with your movies.

[2:04:32] They always have, I wonder if Ray Moland was like,

[2:04:35] look, my thing is I end all my movies

[2:04:37] with a bad, like kind of hacky joke.

[2:04:40] And Billy Wilder's like, I don't wanna end Lost Weekend

[2:04:43] with like a hacky joke about like,

[2:04:45] oh boy, I'm gonna have a headache tomorrow.

[2:04:46] And Ray Moland's like, well, I'm walking off the picture then.

[2:04:48] Like, I don't know.

[2:04:50] And Billy Wilder's like, look, we'll just shoot it.

[2:04:52] We'll cut it from the final version of the movie.

[2:04:54] He'll never know.

[2:04:55] And then at the premiere,

[2:04:56] I imagine Ray Moland is sitting next to like,

[2:05:00] I don't know, like Betty Davis or something.

[2:05:02] And he keeps nudging her in the ribs with his elbows,

[2:05:03] like pretty rough stuff,

[2:05:05] but watch out, it's gonna be funny in the end.

[2:05:07] Like watch out, here it comes.

[2:05:08] And then the movie cuts to the end without the joke

[2:05:11] and Ray Moland is pissed.

[2:05:12] He's like, what the fuck?

[2:05:13] Like, what happened?

[2:05:14] And Betty Davis is like, just settle down, Ray.

[2:05:16] And he's like, this is an outrage

[2:05:18] and probably tries to fight Billy Wilder.

[2:05:20] And like, I don't know.

[2:05:21] So, you know, like who's,

[2:05:24] I don't know what really big movie star

[2:05:26] who has to stop Ray Moland would be there.

[2:05:28] Like a tall guy, Gary Cooper, maybe, I don't know.

[2:05:32] Anyway, so Journey into Fear or Go See Ministry of Fear.

[2:05:36] That's really good.

[2:05:37] And by go see, I mean, stream it from somewhere.

[2:05:39] It's not in the theaters right now.

[2:05:41] It's a 70 year old movie.

[2:05:42] Go to your local library and ask to borrow the movie.

[2:05:46] Yeah, don't take my word for it.

[2:05:46] You're going to Deadpool 2

[2:05:48] and you demand to see Ministry of Fear.

[2:05:51] Go to Deadpool 2, whip out your smartphone

[2:05:54] and watch Ministry of Fear on it.

[2:05:57] I feel like-

[2:05:58] Yeah, really loud too.

[2:06:00] No, man.

[2:06:02] Well, this has been great, guys.

[2:06:04] And I mean that sincerely,

[2:06:05] even though every time you say this has been great, guys,

[2:06:07] it sounds ironic.

[2:06:10] It sounds like you're about to dump us.

[2:06:11] Yeah, yeah.

[2:06:13] It's been great, but Dan's met a different podcast.

[2:06:19] It's about basketball.

[2:06:20] Dan's into basketball now.

[2:06:24] It's called the Dunk House.

[2:06:28] They drink Dunkin' Donuts and talk about basketball.

[2:06:32] Yeah.

[2:06:33] And Dunkin'-

[2:06:34] Come on, continue the bit, Dan.

[2:06:36] I started it.

[2:06:37] No, I mean-

[2:06:37] Dan, get Dan this shit.

[2:06:39] I was thinking about how great it would be

[2:06:41] to do a podcast where I was eating Dunkin' Donuts

[2:06:44] and drinking Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

[2:06:46] Hey, Dan, let me tell you, that's within your power.

[2:06:51] Okay.

[2:06:52] You don't have to wait till you find a genie's lamp

[2:06:54] to make that happen.

[2:06:59] Don't lie awake at night just wishing,

[2:07:00] oh, if only.

[2:07:01] If only I lived in a world where I had a podcast

[2:07:03] where I ate Dunkin' Donuts and drank the coffee.

[2:07:07] If only, but I guess this is a veil of tears

[2:07:09] that we exist in.

[2:07:10] That's too beautiful for this world.

[2:07:12] I suppose maybe in the next one.

[2:07:15] Somewhere, there's some alternate universe

[2:07:17] where the stars align just right

[2:07:19] and that universe is Dan McCoy.

[2:07:21] Gets to do a Dunkin' Donuts podcast,

[2:07:23] but here it just wasn't meant to be.

[2:07:26] Right.

[2:07:27] It's not in the cards, Dan,

[2:07:29] you say as you look in the mirror at yourself.

[2:07:31] Sure, sure, we'd all like those kinds of things,

[2:07:34] but if wishes were fishes.

[2:07:36] You know what I mean?

[2:07:37] All right, all right, well, you make a good point.

[2:07:42] Wow, those inspiring words.

[2:07:45] You make a good point.

[2:07:47] So Dan, Dan, you go out and you make that happen.

[2:07:50] You make that Dunkin' Donuts podcast.

[2:07:52] All right, thank you.

[2:07:55] Well, in the meantime.

[2:07:56] Well, April, thank you very much for joining us.

[2:07:57] Yeah, yeah.

[2:07:58] It was fun, I forgot sometimes I was on it,

[2:08:02] I was just excited to listen.

[2:08:04] Oh, thanks, thank you.

[2:08:06] That's kind of how I feel most of the time, April.

[2:08:09] And I just, I think of reality as a TV show

[2:08:12] that I'm the star of, so I'm always talking.

[2:08:14] April, is there anything you want to plug?

[2:08:18] Yes, there's a lot of things I would like to plug.

[2:08:21] Please plug them.

[2:08:24] How about the podcast?

[2:08:25] I'll mention those again so that Maxon likes me.

[2:08:29] You should listen to Switchblade Sisters.

[2:08:33] It's a lot of women filmmakers

[2:08:34] about their favorite genre films, and that's very fun.

[2:08:38] I have no idea what would be on the episode coming out

[2:08:41] when this comes out, but it will be very fun.

[2:08:45] And there's a lot available,

[2:08:46] so people can just listen to whatever they want to.

[2:08:50] Yeah, you can go back into the Bat Catalog

[2:08:51] and really dig in.

[2:08:53] We do a lot of craft talk, so if you're into nerdy stuff

[2:08:56] where you need to learn how films are made,

[2:08:59] that's kind of my area.

[2:09:02] And then, Who Shot Ya? is another podcast

[2:09:05] with movie stuff, and that's hosted by Ricky Carmona,

[2:09:08] who is a very funny man.

[2:09:10] I get to be basically the straight woman on that,

[2:09:13] and interject with trivia and facts,

[2:09:17] because that's what I'm really good at.

[2:09:23] Yeah, no, I mean, I understand about being a straight person.

[2:09:26] It's a valuable thing.

[2:09:28] Dan, stop talking about that stuff right now.

[2:09:32] This is April's time to shine.

[2:09:34] Yeah, all right.

[2:09:35] Dan's like, yeah, yeah, I know what that's like.

[2:09:37] I was going to do a Dunkin' Donuts podcast,

[2:09:40] but I'm so busy with this one.

[2:09:43] I'll be back.

[2:09:44] Yeah.

[2:09:46] Yeah, off-camera, you can see Stuart Nellie being like,

[2:09:50] I don't know if you can handle a Dunkin' Donuts podcast, dude.

[2:09:53] You got a lot on your plate.

[2:09:59] Is there anything else?

[2:10:00] plug before we go no okay yeah even the idea of plugging other things all right

[2:10:09] we won't force you to then although I don't know what that would look like

[2:10:14] demanding you plug something come up with a product talk about how good it is

[2:10:20] yeah so this has been great guys thank you are you breaking up with us for

[2:10:25] being here but we gotta go now as we always do because otherwise we'll be in

[2:10:33] your ears forever

[2:10:38] I've been drinking okay yeah Dan and I've been hanging out for the last hour

[2:10:53] the report has been built and we're in deep trouble you've known each other for

[2:10:57] what about 20 years now yeah that's true I don't know how are you I guess I mean

[2:11:08] almost 20 years yeah I'm glad we got to the fucking bottom of this one maximum

[2:11:14] fun org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

Ep.#260 - Brain Smasher... A Love Story

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