Ep. #262 - Sherlock Gnomes

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Sherlock gnomes.

[0:05] What?

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] Hey, guys. I'm Stuart McCoy.

[0:41] Hey, Elliot McCoy over here.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] It's my brother, my brother, and me.

[0:46] My brother, my brother, McCoy.

[0:47] And we're an advice podcast for the...

[0:51] For the hard of hearing. So let's start talking louder.

[0:56] Hey, here's a question.

[0:59] You're clipping, Elliot. You're clipping.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01] Oh, sorry. Sorry. That's because I went to barber school.

[1:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] So, welcome back.

[1:07] We're sitting here in the old cat ranch here at Travelodge, Seattle.

[1:14] Just a couple of guys sitting around a table.

Dan McCoy

[1:16] Yep.

[1:17] As always, it's a little weird when we do one of these hotel records.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] Yeah, because there's actually hotel room services right now taking care of the beds, cleaning the bathroom.

[1:29] Putting up new towels.

[1:30] Setting up Dan's very elaborate, demanded breakfast service.

[1:34] Oh, I thought you were going to say my sex swing.

[1:37] Nope.

[1:37] Not what I was going to say.

[1:38] Why would I say that, Dan?

[1:40] I don't know.

[1:40] Why were you telling me?

[1:41] You're the one who said it.

[1:42] I am not the one who said it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44] Dan was telegraphing these elaborate arm motions that I'm assuming meant sex swing, but we just weren't reading it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] I mean, in retrospect, I see now how what Dan was motioning could mean sex swing.

[1:54] But the idea is so far outside the realm of my thinking that it just didn't occur to me.

[1:59] So, Dan, tell us more about your hotels-only sex swing that you bring with you, I guess, on trips.

[2:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] I mean, do you have to break the whole thing down?

[2:05] It's all like a series of rods and netting.

Dan McCoy

[2:09] No, it's just like leather straps, you know.

[2:12] So, what are you paying it on?

[2:13] Yeah.

[2:13] Do you drill into the ceiling?

[2:15] That's for the hotel to decide.

[2:17] That's why I have to get the hotel in the whole – I mean, they don't love drilling into the ceiling, but they will if you pay them enough.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] How much do you have to pay them to do that?

Dan McCoy

[2:25] Oh, it's exorbitant, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] I guess it depends on the hotel.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] Depends on the hotel.

[2:29] Depends on the swing.

[2:31] And then what do you do with it?

[2:32] I just swing around on it.

[2:33] I don't actually have sex.

[2:35] I just like having a swing.

Stuart Wellington

[2:36] Uh-huh.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:38] You use the fact that it's called a sex swing to keep interested parties away from your place, so you're the only one able to sit in it.

[2:45] Yeah, that's right.

[2:47] That would gross them out.

[2:48] It's like a rated R type situation where you're keeping the kids out.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] Do you think – it would be hard.

[2:53] I've never used a sex swing.

[2:55] Let's just get all our tables out – all our cards out on the table.

[2:57] All our tables out on the card.

[2:59] I've never used one.

[3:00] I've never seen one in real life.

Stuart Wellington

[3:01] Well, you know, everything I've known about you up to this point would have led me to believe otherwise.

[3:05] I know you –

[3:06] But it's nice to have this big reveal.

Elliott Kalan

[3:08] Look, it's a part of – I'm not proud of it.

[3:11] My business card does read Elliot Kalin, Erotic Adventurer.

[3:14] And I – but sex swings are still outside of my – I haven't yet had that quest yet.

[3:19] But I do imagine that my reaction would be like when I am pushing someone on a swing and my thought is, I want to be on that swing.

[3:27] Like, I want to be riding that swing.

Stuart Wellington

[3:29] I feel like it can – I feel like those things are designed so that just anybody – like, you could be in the swing, I'm assuming.

Elliott Kalan

[3:36] But I mean, the times when my partner is in the swing, I'm going to be like, ugh, I want to be riding the swing.

[3:42] Like, stop hogging the swing.

Stuart Wellington

[3:43] And then you're like, now I've got to buy two swings.

[3:46] That's how they get you.

[3:47] Exactly, yeah.

[3:48] And then I got –

[3:48] It's like if one guy – if you buy a Nintendo but you only have one controller, you're like, I've got to buy a second controller.

[3:53] Why didn't they sell them in pairs?

[3:55] I'm going to play nothing but Mega Man?

[3:56] No.

Dan McCoy

[3:56] What if you had two swings facing each other and that's how you had sex?

[3:59] You just sort of slammed in and out of each other.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] But like one of those hanging ball desk toys that businessman had in the 80s?

[4:06] Exactly.

[4:07] It sounds horrifying.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] It seems like a good way of breaking something.

[4:10] Forget I said anything.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] The other thing is while you're having sex, you've got to keep pumping your legs to keep the swing going.

[4:15] Yeah.

[4:15] And like, that's not easy to do.

[4:18] I mean, it's a good workout.

Stuart Wellington

[4:21] Oh, and it's great cardio.

[4:22] Yeah, I mean –

[4:24] Guys, I don't think we talk about this on the podcast enough, but do your squats.

[4:28] That's the way you stay out of a nursing home, being able to get up out of that chair without assistance.

[4:32] That's a good point.

[4:33] Good point.

[4:34] So, Dan –

Dan McCoy

[4:34] So, obviously, this is a bad movie podcast.

[4:36] I thought this was a sex paraphernalia critical review podcast.

[4:42] I mean, that would do fantastically.

[4:43] Probably better than what we chose as our format.

[4:45] And we wouldn't have to change the name.

[4:46] That's two.

[4:47] That's true.

[4:48] That's two.

[4:48] It is two.

[4:49] Two podcasts.

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] Under one roof.

[4:52] Ah, ah.

[4:53] A one.

[4:54] A two.

[4:55] Podcasts.

[4:56] Do you think Sesame Street has done a count-one count yet where he goes, let's account to podcasts.

[5:01] A one.

[5:02] A two.

[5:03] Too many podcasts.

[5:05] Ah, ah, ah.

[5:06] That's hilarious.

[5:07] Huge thundercrack lightning.

[5:09] Uh-huh.

[5:10] And then there's like a little cartoon about like how they make toys.

[5:13] What do they do on Sesame Street, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[5:15] You watch kids' TV a lot.

[5:16] You know, like the letter I.

[5:18] And it's, you know, they don't really tell you about the uses of the letter I.

[5:21] They're just sort of saying like, there's a letter I.

[5:25] And then you're like, okay, well, that wasn't really that helpful.

[5:27] But thanks.

[5:28] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[5:28] I remember a lot of those cartoons as a kid where it would be like, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B.

[5:35] And you're like, what's the narrative thrust in this cartoon?

[5:39] I'm trying to figure out what are the stakes?

[5:41] Who am I rooting for?

[5:42] Uh-huh.

[5:43] Is B trying to get Energon from the other B?

[5:48] I'll have to follow the, watch the rest of this one.

Elliott Kalan

[5:50] Well, it's all in Sid Field's Sesame Street writing book where you got to get that letter up a tree, throw rocks at that letter, and then get the letter down from the tree.

[5:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:00] So we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[6:04] And for this episode, we watched.

[6:05] That's adorable.

[6:06] Dan's trying to keep us on track.

[6:07] A movie.

[6:08] Sid Fields.

Stuart Wellington

[6:09] That's short for Sidney Fields, the creator of Mrs. Fields Cookies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] Exactly.

[6:14] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:15] We watched a movie called Sherlock Gnomes.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] We did?

[6:18] We did.

[6:19] I think we watched this movie.

[6:20] I wasn't fully aware when I started that this was a sequel to the film Gnomeo and Juliet.

Dan McCoy

[6:26] I mean, you must have been aware that the movie Gnomeo and Juliet existed.

[6:30] I did know it existed, but I –

[6:31] You just didn't know that this was a direct sequel to the film.

Stuart Wellington

[6:32] I think it wasn't until the character Gnomeo probably was introduced that you're like, all of a sudden, it all hits you at once.

[6:40] Kaiser Sose.

[6:40] It was a virtual suspect.

[6:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:42] I was like, oh, I didn't realize this was part of the Gnomeo and Juliet cinematic universe.

Dan McCoy

[6:45] Yeah, this is like an Avengers Infinity War situation where the classic Romeo and Juliet characters meet Sherlock Holmes, which is what we've all been waiting for.

[6:55] I mean, it's kind of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, to be honest.

[6:57] Yeah, I guess so.

Stuart Wellington

[6:57] But there's less sex in this one.

[7:00] Oh, you better believe it.

[7:01] Less weird Alan Moore sex.

[7:03] This continues his podcast, constant mentioning of Alan Moore's sexual privilege.

Dan McCoy

[7:08] Someday he's going to hear us in his cave in Northampton, England.

[7:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[7:13] And he'll be like, well, I guess that's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] He'll say, it's a fair cop.

Stuart Wellington

[7:16] Got me roasted.

[7:18] Stick to the book with me.

[7:19] I'm done.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Alan Moore, I could use a little less right about now.

[7:24] Anyway, Dan, so do you think anyone goes into Avengers Infinity War not realizing it's a sequel to something else?

[7:31] And it's like, whoa, I am lost, fellas.

Dan McCoy

[7:35] Who are these colorful characters?

[7:39] This is such an imaginative movie to come up with so many crazy characters.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] But yeah, Sherlock, so Dan.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] So much world building.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] So Sherlock Holmes is a sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet, which is the story, I don't know, I haven't seen it.

[7:51] I assume of two gnomes who fall in love.

Stuart Wellington

[7:53] As you're the only one who has a kid, I think you're the one who is contractually obligated to have already seen it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] Now, every movie that comes out, we have to ask ourselves two questions before we show it to Sammy.

[8:05] One, are there cars in it?

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:07] In case, if the answer is yes, just show him the movie.

[8:10] He'll watch it like a zombie.

[8:11] And then over and over again.

[8:13] And then he'll talk about it for months on end.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] So like Speed Racer.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] Yeah, yeah, Speed Racer, Drive, The Driver, Gone in 60 Seconds, Bullet, Ronin.

[8:21] French Connection.

[8:22] French Connection.

[8:22] He loves Ronin, loves French Connection.

[8:24] Death Race 2000.

[8:25] Weirdly, he kind of prefers French Connection 2, which doesn't have that much car chase in it.

[8:30] But he finds Gene Hackman's performance when he is trying to kick heroin after being dosed with it once.

[8:36] He's just like this.

[8:37] Sammy will just be like, where was his Oscar?

[8:40] And I'm like, well, he won for French Connection, the first one.

[8:42] And he'll go, well, that's ridiculous.

[8:43] They should have saved it for the second one.

[8:45] Sammy really knows a lot about the history of the Oscars.

[8:47] No, just Gene Hackman.

[8:48] Oh, okay.

[8:49] He knows a lot about Gene Hackman.

[8:50] My son's favorite movie is Welcome to Mooseport.

[8:53] But he also loves Extreme Measures.

[8:55] Oh, wow.

[8:56] That was the one with Hugh Grant, right?

[8:58] Where the doctors were experimenting on homeless men.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] I thought Extreme Measures was the one where Andy Garcia needs to get Michael Keaton's bone marrow for his daughter.

[9:07] Oh, maybe that's a different one.

[9:08] Which one am I talking about?

[9:08] Since Michael Keaton, the serial killer, is the only match for his son's bone marrow.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] What's Maximum Risk?

Stuart Wellington

[9:14] Maximum Risk?

[9:15] I think that has something to do with Wesley Snipes jumping out of a plane.

[9:19] Okay.

[9:20] What about Total Overhaul?

[9:22] Is that a movie?

Dan McCoy

[9:24] I think that's a house show.

[9:28] Yeah, what about Gut Reno?

[9:29] Is that an action movie?

[9:30] Gut Reno?

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] That's Jean Reno's bigger brother.

[9:35] Jean Reno opens a restaurant.

[9:38] It's basically Ratatouille, but instead of a rat, it's Jean Reno.

[9:41] And so people are like, a Jean Reno in the kitchen?

[9:44] Never.

[9:45] Oh, bleh.

[9:45] This is the health department.

[9:48] But anyway, so does it have cars in it?

[9:51] Yes, show it to Sammy.

[9:52] Have I seen it before?

[9:53] If the answer is yes and I like it, show it to Sammy.

[9:55] If the answer is no, who knows what?

[9:58] I don't think so.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] You're right.

[9:59] It is Extreme Measures.

[10:00] I don't know what the Michael Keaton one is.

[10:03] Like Desperate.

Elliott Kalan

[10:04] Desperate Times.

[10:05] Yeah.

[10:06] It's called Call For.

Dan McCoy

[10:08] Desperate Measures, maybe?

Elliott Kalan

[10:10] Maybe it's called, it's not Nick of Time, because that's with Johnny Depp.

[10:13] Let's go down the list of movies it isn't.

[10:16] It's not Tender Mercies.

[10:17] That's with Robert Duvall.

[10:18] Uh-huh.

[10:19] It's not...

[10:20] Yuli's Gold.

[10:20] It's not Yuli's Gold.

[10:21] That's with Peter Fonda.

[10:22] Yep.

[10:23] It's not Baby's Day Out.

[10:25] That's with a baby.

[10:26] It's not Angels in the Outfield.

[10:27] No, it's not Angels in the Outfield or Angels in America.

[10:30] Two very similar films.

[10:32] Yeah.

[10:32] It's not Fat City.

[10:33] That's with Stacey Keach.

[10:35] Uh, Dan, should I keep naming movies and the people who are in them?

[10:39] Uh, sure.

[10:39] It's not Thelma and Louise, because that's Susan Sarandon.

[10:42] It's not The Hunger, because that's also Susan Sarandon.

[10:44] It's not Dead Man Walking, because that's Susan Sarandon.

[10:47] It's not Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[10:49] That's Susan Sarandon.

[10:51] It's not Earth Girls Are Easy.

[10:52] That's Gina Davis, who's also in Thelma and Louise with Susan Sarandon.

[10:55] Desperate Measures.

Stuart Wellington

[10:56] Desperate Measures.

[10:57] I got it.

[10:58] So Stuart got it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:00] Yeah.

[11:00] So that was a lot of time wasted.

[11:01] Sherlock Gnomes, shall we?

[11:03] So I'm not familiar with Gnomeo and Juliet.

Dan McCoy

[11:04] Well, I assume it's a very, uh, faithful retelling, since Gnomeo and Juliet are still alive for Sherlock Gnomes.

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen Romeo and Juliet.

[11:15] They don't make it out.

[11:16] Yeah.

[11:16] Uh, so Dan, you're a big Sherlock Holmes fan.

[11:19] This is true.

[11:19] Tell us a little bit about your love for The Great Detective.

Dan McCoy

[11:23] Uh, I think it comes from my childhood desire to be smarter than everyone.

[11:27] Mm-hmm.

[11:28] And I think that, I mean, like, that's, I think that's.

[11:29] Which you gave up on eventually.

[11:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:32] As is clear.

Dan McCoy

[11:34] Now I, now my, now I just decided to be best, the best at fumbling words.

[11:39] Wow.

[11:40] Something, an attainable goal.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] A joke you also kind of fumbled a little.

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] That's how good, he's that good, man.

[11:46] Oh, man.

[11:46] He's the best.

[11:47] He nailed it.

[11:48] Uh, so Sherlock Holmes, tell us a little bit about this character.

[11:50] For anyone who's not familiar with, maybe the most famous character in detective fiction.

[11:53] Well, he, he lives at 221B Baker Street.

[11:56] This seems like not the best detail to introduce him.

[12:00] He's the one.

[12:01] Oh, he lives somewhere?

[12:02] Tell me about these, tell me about these X-Men characters.

[12:05] Well, they live on Gray Malkin Lane.

[12:07] He's the world, all right, he's the world's greatest detective.

[12:09] Okay.

[12:10] That's a good start.

[12:10] That helps me get a picture of him better.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] Uh, along with, uh, Auguste Dupont, the Poe, uh, uh, character, he kind of introduced

[12:19] the idea of deductive reasoning to the mystery, uh, genre.

[12:24] Mm-hmm.

[12:24] And, uh.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] Before then it had mostly been, what, seances or, like, people making a big guess.

[12:27] And, uh, there wasn't really, like, a mystery so much.

[12:28] Well, Encyclopedia Brown, I think, was first, right?

Dan McCoy

[12:30] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] Encyclopedia Brown and then Wikipedia Brown just makes shit up.

[12:34] His best friend and partner is John H. Watson, who, uh.

[12:38] What's the H stand for?

Dan McCoy

[12:39] I don't think they ever established that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] So let's just call him John Watson.

Dan McCoy

[12:43] I think that might have been one of those things that, um, like, Conan Doyle, like, says one

[12:47] thing one time and says another thing another time.

[12:51] I, I, I, but maybe not.

[12:53] Like, how he has a, uh, an injury that migrates from his leg to his arm, depending on what

[12:58] story we're talking about.

[13:00] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] And Sherlock Holmes is a woman in some of the stories, right?

[13:04] Doesn't he die and regenerate into new forms?

[13:06] Yeah.

[13:06] There's, like, the first Holmes, the second Holmes, the third Holmes.

Dan McCoy

[13:09] I think you're thinking of popular character The Doctor from Doctor Who.

[13:13] Doctor Who?

[13:15] Yay.

[13:16] Sound of a high five.

[13:18] Stuart nailed it.

[13:19] I mean, I could go on about Sherlock Holmes for quite some time.

[13:21] So maybe don't.

[13:22] The movie begins in the Reichenbach Falls.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] Yeah, sure.

[13:26] Uh, kind of, in a way.

[13:27] Uh, now, Dan, but Sherlock Holmes, so you were getting into this pretty excited, because

[13:30] you love Sherlock Holmes.

[13:31] That's right.

[13:32] You were like, I can't wait to see what, how he works in this world.

[13:34] How he translates to the gnome.

Stuart Wellington

[13:36] This is a character that hasn't been captured in TV or film in decades.

Elliott Kalan

[13:41] Yeah, yeah.

[13:41] He's, I think he's ever been used.

[13:43] I think he's ever been a television or film by Sherlock Holmes.

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] And also, Dan looked at the, uh, the, the, the voice credits for this movie, and he saw

[13:51] his favorite actor, Johnny Depp, was going to be doing the voice.

[13:54] You said, I mean, I might be paraphrasing here, but you were saying, it's not that you

[13:59] like him as an actor so much as you just like his personal life.

Elliott Kalan

[14:04] That he really knows how to handle situations.

[14:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:08] I was like, oh, you would never do anything abusive to anyone.

[14:11] I remember you referred to him as an empathetic.

Elliott Kalan

[14:14] Asleep for the past few years.

[14:15] As an empathetic and stabilizing influence, I think is what you referred to him as.

[14:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:19] And probably as like completely realistic perceptions of how money works.

[14:23] Yeah, yeah.

[14:23] Doesn't like wine.

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] Is not a Hollywood vampire, I think you mentioned.

[14:29] So, Gnomeo, so let's make one thing clear.

[14:31] Gnomeo and Juliet, these are not like magic gnomes.

[14:34] They are ceramic garden gnomes who come to life toy story wise because this posits a hideous

[14:41] fantasy world where all garden decorations actually come to life and pretend to not be alive when

[14:49] humans are around.

[14:49] So, if you ever had sex in a garden, you were being watched by like a ceramic bird or something.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] I feel like that's the least likely thing to be concerned about.

[14:58] But I hate to derail the podcast already, but what's alive in this world, guys?

[15:05] I think –

[15:06] Everything.

[15:06] Alive is the story of a soccer team.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] Yeah, is that in this world?

[15:10] That crashes in the Andes.

[15:11] Yeah, yeah.

[15:11] I think that's – I think we have to assume that the story – the real life story and the book and film alive

[15:16] took place in the Gnomeo and Juliet world.

[15:17] What about the song Alive by Seattle's own Pearl Jam?

[15:21] You got to know it.

[15:22] Yeah.

[15:23] Is that the one about how they're still alive?

[15:25] Yeah.

[15:25] Okay.

[15:26] Yes.

[15:26] So, in this world, what's alive is, I think, human beings.

[15:30] Okay.

[15:30] Regular animals.

[15:31] Although, I don't – yeah, we see a squirrel and a dog.

[15:33] Uh-huh.

[15:34] And also, anything you would place to decorate a garden.

[15:38] Okay.

[15:39] Yeah.

[15:39] And also, toys.

[15:40] And also, Chinese tchotchke, like, salt shakers and luck cats.

[15:45] So, everything's alive, I guess, in this.

[15:46] Okay.

[15:46] Everything except furniture and buildings.

[15:48] Do they have, like, a weird name for everything?

Dan McCoy

[15:49] Well, anything that could be anthropomorphized, I think, is alive.

Elliott Kalan

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:51] I guess – you know what?

[15:52] If it has a face, it's alive.

[15:54] Uh-huh.

[15:54] So, but that makes me wonder then.

[15:56] If you arrange two eggs and a strip of bacon into a face on your plate, does it come to life

[16:00] and scream when you eat it?

[16:02] Yeah.

[16:02] Is it like – it's like the whale in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

[16:05] I exist all of a sudden.

[16:07] What is this world?

Stuart Wellington

[16:08] No!

[16:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:11] But isn't that all of us, really?

[16:13] True.

[16:13] I mean, that is – I find that to be – that scene with the whale in Hitchhiker's Guide

[16:16] to the Galaxy, I think, is – maybe touches me more than any – emotionally,

[16:19] more than any other thing.

[16:20] Because it's literally this character being like, what is this?

[16:24] This is wonderful.

[16:25] There's so many great things.

[16:26] I can't wait to experience life.

[16:27] And then it's dead.

[16:28] And I'm like, well, yep, that's everybody.

[16:29] Yeah.

[16:30] That's everybody's experience.

Stuart Wellington

[16:31] So, see you next time on The Flophouse.

[16:34] So, why don't you sit down and spend some more of your precious time with us?

Elliott Kalan

[16:38] Yeah, this uplifting world.

[16:40] So, we bummed everyone out.

[16:42] We talked about sex swings.

[16:43] Sherlock gnomes.

[16:44] Okay.

[16:44] So, in this world, I think that's a good way to put it, Dan.

[16:48] Everything that can be anthropomorphized, that has, like, features, is alive and can talk.

[16:53] Now, we begin with a stupid prologue where the gnomes argue about what story they're going

[16:57] to tell.

[16:57] We're going to skip that.

[16:58] It's just an occasion for dumb puns like Spider-Man gnome coming and stuff like that.

[17:03] And it's like –

Dan McCoy

[17:03] Yeah, the rise and fall of the gnome empire.

Elliott Kalan

[17:05] Yeah, like fucking gnome country for old men is sitting right there.

[17:09] Sitting right on the table.

[17:12] Yeah, so let's – and they don't say that.

[17:14] So, Sherlock gnomes, he's just what he sounds like.

[17:16] He's a garden gnome of Sherlock Holmes.

[17:18] And he's fighting his enemy, Moriarty, who is not what he sounds like.

[17:22] He is the mascot of a pie company.

[17:25] It's like if a Bob's Big Boy, but for pies, was evil.

[17:29] And I never quite understood the logic behind this character.

[17:32] They're just trying to make it – I think they just want him to look like a goofy big

[17:35] baby who's crazy.

[17:36] Yeah.

[17:36] And has a rolling pin.

[17:38] Because rolling pins in England, of course, as we've seen in the Andy Kapp comic strips,

[17:41] are weapons of domestic violence.

[17:44] And that's why you need a license to own a rolling pin.

[17:46] Yeah.

[17:47] Very hard to get a gun.

[17:49] So, a rolling pin is really what takes the place of guns in England.

[17:51] Mm-hmm.

[17:52] And Moriarty wants to smash every garden gnome in London.

[17:55] And Sherlock gnomes is devoted to saving the lives of every gnome in London.

Dan McCoy

[17:59] Which is, in this world, mass murder is his goal, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[18:02] Yeah, he's a bad guy.

[18:03] Yeah.

[18:03] It's not like he's held up as an example.

[18:04] Yeah, you don't have to –

Dan McCoy

[18:05] But Moriarty in the books is not like, I'm a serial killer.

[18:09] He just wants to do crimes.

[18:11] Yeah.

[18:11] But this is a crime?

[18:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:12] He's the Napoleon of crime.

[18:13] Yeah.

[18:14] Now, if he's the Napoleon of crime, does that make Sherlock Holmes the Wellington of crime?

[18:18] I mean, he kind of is a shitty guy, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[18:22] No, I don't mean the Stuart Wellington.

[18:24] Oh.

[18:25] Yeah, then I don't know.

[18:26] Who's – which one are we talking about?

[18:28] Boots?

Elliott Kalan

[18:29] Yeah, Wellington wellies.

[18:31] So, they have a big fight on a dinosaur skeleton in the otherwise empty British museum.

[18:36] They have this British natural history museum that – let me just take a moment to complain about this.

[18:40] Every room in this museum has one enormous skeleton in it.

[18:44] No other exhibits.

[18:45] Yeah.

[18:45] And it must have been easier to animate because this is a CGI movie.

[18:48] But it's just huge empty halls with one skeleton, no information plaques.

[18:53] So, are we supposed to just walk into this museum and kind of ponder or deduct things ourselves?

Stuart Wellington

[18:58] I think the way they've – they've moved over to a digital age.

[19:01] So, you're supposed to like listen to the audio to work.

[19:04] But there's like a QR code that you just like scan on your phone.

[19:07] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[19:07] You scan on your phone.

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:09] Remember when those were really big and everyone was using QR codes?

[19:12] There's a statue in the town of Sonoma, California, which is a little town known for its wine.

[19:18] There's a statue of the first governor of the town when it was still Mexican – this was still Mexican territory, Governor Vallejo or Mayor Vallejo.

[19:27] Maybe it's just Mayor.

[19:28] Boris Vallejo.

[19:28] Boris Vallejo, the painter.

[19:30] Yeah, and Julie Bell is right there.

Dan McCoy

[19:31] There's a statue of him.

[19:32] A statue.

[19:33] A Boris Vallejo statue that's just a muscle-bound man with women clinging to his legs.

[19:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:39] Yeah.

[19:40] I mean that's more of a – that's more of a – oh, what's his name?

[19:44] Who's the other big –

[19:46] Simon Bisley.

[19:47] No, not Simon Bisley.

[19:48] Frank Frazetta.

Dan McCoy

[19:48] Frank Frazetta.

[19:49] Oh, okay.

[19:49] The women clinging to the legs is more of a Frank Frazetta thing.

[19:51] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[19:51] With Boris Vallejo, it's more of a like, oh, okay, he really sculpted the ass of this barbarian.

[19:57] Like it's really – he really paid a lot of attention to the glutes on this barbarian hero.

Stuart Wellington

[20:02] I mean he can't shame him for understanding the anatomy of a human being.

Elliott Kalan

[20:07] No, look, I'm not complaining.

[20:10] Anyway, but there's this statue that they just put up recently of Vallejo sitting on a bench and he has a book in his hand and there's a sculpted QR code.

[20:19] He's kind of slapped onto this – the book he's holding and it looks very silly.

[20:24] But it's – you could easily miss it.

[20:26] But I feel like in 10 years someone will be like, what is that on this statue?

[20:29] Yeah.

[20:29] That's crazy.

[20:30] It's like if you did a statue of – they may put up a statue of George Washington in the 70s and they were like, let's just have him holding an eight-track tape.

[20:38] Like we'll just have it popping out of his pocket.

Stuart Wellington

[20:39] There will be like – there will be a movie in like 30 years or something where somebody is doing like a national treasure type mystery and he'll be like – and see this?

[20:47] They're like, what the fuck is that?

[20:48] Like that's a thing called a QR code they used to use.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] It stands for crazy.

[20:54] So anyway, this museum, it doesn't work right.

[20:57] But anyway, Sherlock Gnomes manages to stop Moriarty.

[21:01] The dinosaur skeleton collapses on top of Moriarty.

[21:03] Everyone assumes he's dead.

[21:05] And Watson gives this kind of like mysterious look like, hmm.

[21:09] And it was at that moment that I knew Watson was going to turn on Sherlock Gnomes.

[21:12] No, that was exactly the same here.

Dan McCoy

[21:15] Is it three for three here?

[21:16] It was three for three.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] So like five minutes in you're like, okay, so Watson's going to be a bad guy in this?

[21:21] We cut to the present day, I assume.

[21:23] I don't know how long ago that was supposed to have taken place.

[21:25] An older couple is moving to London.

[21:27] I assume they're in the first movie because they bring their garden gnomes with them and that includes Gnomeo and Juliet.

[21:34] And all the gnomes hate the London backyard they're now in.

[21:37] I guess they used to be in a big garden.

[21:39] Now they're in like a little – what in a city was a beautiful backyard space.

[21:43] But in like a suburb or in the country would be a little like shitty postage stamp.

[21:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:48] It kind of makes me long for seeing the sweeping vistas of the Gnomeo and Juliet garden.

Dan McCoy

[21:56] Maybe we should pop that in.

[21:57] Now if you were moving from a like beautiful like countryside to one of these places with like a tiny garden, would you bring your garden decorations?

[22:07] Like would you put garden decorations in like a tiny city garden?

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] I mean there is plenty of room for them.

[22:12] And the reason I assume that they're moving is that they can no longer handle the upkeep of a large country home on that kind of piece of land.

[22:20] They're getting older, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[22:21] Or maybe they have children and their children have just had a young child and they want to be close to that young child.

[22:27] Yeah, yeah.

[22:28] And so –

[22:28] This is all important back story.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] You reach a point in your – the first half of your life, Dan, is the accumulation of things.

[22:34] Uh-huh.

[22:34] You're expanding.

[22:35] Your life expands and with it your kind of footprint in the world expands.

[22:38] And you reach a point in your life where that footprint begins to contract.

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] That's when the – when you, the whale, are getting closer to the ground.

[22:45] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[22:46] Yes.

[22:46] Yeah.

[22:46] And you start to divest yourself of things whether by choice or by not.

[22:50] And I remember visiting my grandmother in a like hospital for old people and she was like basically sleeping in a hospital bed and she just had like three things.

[23:01] She used to have this big house full of stuff from her travels around the world and she just had these three statues from Africa that she had brought on a shelf and like one book.

[23:09] And I was like, oh.

[23:11] Like that's what happens when you get to certain ages.

[23:13] You – to get ready for divesting yourself of your mortal shell, you begin to divest yourself of physical objects.

Dan McCoy

[23:19] Well, I mean –

[23:20] And so that's –

[23:21] Thank you for bringing the podcast back down.

[23:23] All I was going to say was that it seems like the more likely sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet would be them in a secondhand story where they'd been sold off.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] Well, let me explain.

[23:32] So they bring these.

[23:33] They're like, these are our children.

[23:34] Okay.

[23:35] These are our spiritual children.

[23:36] We have to bring them with them.

Dan McCoy

[23:37] And now their real kids are going to be like, we got to talk to mom and dad about the garden gnomes.

Elliott Kalan

[23:42] We got to get rid of these garden gnomes.

[23:44] That's that work.

[23:44] They can't take care of them anymore.

[23:46] Ho-ba-do-ba-doo.

[23:47] Oh, oh.

[23:48] Bingo.

[23:49] Hit it.

[23:50] I've got blisters on my fingers.

[23:52] That's from Helter Skelter.

[23:54] Anyway.

[23:54] Thanks.

[23:55] So among these gnomes are Gnomeo and Juliet.

[23:58] They are – I'm just going to say it.

[24:00] Are they an annoying couple to you guys?

Stuart Wellington

[24:02] What do you – well, do you mean because Gnomeo is voiced by like the chavviest James McAvoy?

[24:09] Like James McAvoy known for being kind of like a cool posh dude is like, I'm going to slum it up with this accent.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] I'm East Endering it up with this one.

[24:17] I'm calling everyone mate.

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:19] And – well, it just – I think more because they like kind of like joke with each other and like rub noses and stuff.

[24:24] There's a part where they hold –

[24:26] They're in love, dude.

[24:26] They hold each other's hands and spin around and stars fly out and this goes on for like 70 minutes.

[24:32] I remember watching it and being like, are they still spinning around?

Stuart Wellington

[24:35] You're like, is this goddamn Elton John song on repeat?

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] What's going on?

[24:38] That's the other thing.

[24:39] So I didn't – this was a mystery to me until Dan cleared it up for me is that this movie is obsessed with Elton John.

[24:45] Almost every song on the soundtrack is an Elton John song even when it doesn't make sense.

[24:49] Even the orchestral score includes pieces of Elton John songs.

[24:54] Yeah.

[24:54] So Dan, what's that all about?

Dan McCoy

[24:56] It's co-produced by Elton John's – it's called Rocket Pictures or Rocket Films or something like that.

[25:01] Rocket Man Films?

[25:02] Exactly.

[25:03] Because that's an Elton John song?

[25:04] Exactly.

[25:04] And he – it's like specifically for family movies.

Stuart Wellington

[25:08] Wait, those aren't true.

[25:10] What?

[25:11] Rocket Man isn't an Elton John song.

[25:13] Yeah, it is.

[25:14] No, Crocodile Rock is.

[25:16] Rocket Man is David Bowie.

[25:17] No.

[25:17] No, that's Space Oddity.

[25:18] You're thinking Starman.

[25:19] Shit.

[25:20] Or Space Oddity.

[25:21] Wait, what's Rocket Man?

[25:22] Rocket Man.

Elliott Kalan

[25:25] Because I'm a Rocket Man.

[25:27] I'm sinking into my chair.

[25:29] Electric Socket Man.

[25:32] You got a Grocket Man.

[25:34] That's a Heinlein reference.

Dan McCoy

[25:36] Don't fight with us, the two big Elton John heads in the room.

[25:39] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] We're a bunch of John-os.

[25:41] Yeah.

[25:41] We're big Elt butts.

Stuart Wellington

[25:43] I'm taking a time out.

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] We're from the benevolent, protected order of Elts.

[25:49] So anyway, so Elton John is a producer of the film is what you're saying.

[25:52] Yes.

[25:53] Or his company is.

[25:54] Yes.

[25:54] Because there's a part where you see an Elton John gnome for a moment.

[25:57] Yeah, and you're like, why?

[25:58] And like, why?

[25:59] It's a contemporary reference.

[26:01] Yeah.

[26:02] And I wasn't sure if it was like one of these things where, like, Lonely Island is with,

[26:07] what's his name?

[26:08] Who's that singer that nobody likes?

[26:10] I have no idea.

[26:10] Michael Bolton.

[26:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Where you just choose like kind of an older musician.

[26:13] Guys, I'm out of the penalty box.

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] I'm back in the game.

[26:15] You remembered Michael Bolton.

[26:16] Okay.

[26:18] What I like to say, there are two David Bowie songs you might have gotten Rocket Man mixed

[26:21] up with.

[26:23] I was thinking about recently, if you were going to name the top 10 most influential science

[26:28] fiction writers of the 20th century, I think you'd have to put David Bowie on that list.

[26:32] Like, I don't, it's hard for me to think of a big influential music, like, of any sort

[26:38] of art who was that science fiction-y in his work, like, and in a way that I feel like

[26:44] his fans didn't look at necessarily.

[26:47] But you look at David Bowie's stuff, and there's so much stuff about aliens or like altered

[26:51] perceptions or things like that, how time can change me, but I can't trace time.

Dan McCoy

[26:56] He was going to do like an adaptation of 1984 in like music form, which turned into the Diamond

[27:01] Dogs album, which I learned that this is David Bowie, or this is Bowie, whatever.

[27:05] That exhibit?

[27:05] That exhibit.

[27:06] That's a little ad for the Brooklyn Museum, David Bowie exhibit, which I think is almost

[27:09] closed.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] It's a great museum, though.

[27:11] It's still worth going to.

[27:12] Yeah.

[27:13] Come on, support the arts.

[27:13] They've got some good stuff.

[27:14] They've got, and if you go to the Brooklyn Museum, go to the visible storage section.

[27:18] It's pretty cool.

[27:20] Oh, okay.

[27:20] That's a little tip from Elliot.

[27:22] A little tip from one who knows.

Stuart Wellington

[27:23] Go a few blocks away and throw rocks at Dan's window.

[27:25] Yeah.

[27:26] Smash them.

Elliott Kalan

[27:28] But anyway, we can talk about David Bowie later or not.

[27:31] I'm not that big a fan of his.

[27:33] I just like that he's a science fiction guy.

[27:34] Oh, wow.

[27:34] Now that he's dead.

[27:37] Now that the boaster, now that he and I are no longer friends because he's dead, I can finally

[27:41] say what I think, which is that he's fine.

[27:43] Oh, wow.

[27:44] Geez.

[27:45] Wow.

[27:45] Okay.

[27:46] I just remember when he passed and everyone was like, there's no God anymore.

[27:49] The stars have fallen out of heaven.

[27:50] And I was like, yeah, he's really good.

[27:52] Anyway, it's like, that's the way I'll feel when like John Cleese passes.

Stuart Wellington

[27:55] But then when Vinnie Paul from Pantera dies, it's like, no.

[28:00] Ripping his shirt off his butt.

[28:01] How will I ever walk again?

[28:03] Daniel's like, Sammy, you need to leave daddy alone for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[28:06] I'm like, Sammy, a cowboy went back to hell today.

[28:13] So anyway, Juliet's parents, I guess, are like the king and queen of the gnomes.

[28:18] They name Gnomeo and Juliet the new leaders.

[28:20] The winter's coming.

[28:21] And I guess the, and so that means beyond the wall, the ice people are attacking some

[28:26] kind of snow zombies.

[28:28] And meanwhile, there's another gnome they're friends with who has a crush on a statue of

[28:32] a frog.

Dan McCoy

[28:33] Benny voiced by, what, Matt Lucas?

[28:36] Now, this frog, by the way, is supposed to be an analog to the nurse from Romeo and Juliet,

[28:42] which I only found out.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] Is Benny supposed to be like Mercutio?

[28:46] Because he's nothing like him.

Dan McCoy

[28:48] He's not like Tibalt either.

[28:49] I can't remember.

[28:50] I went to the Wikipedia page for Gnomeo and Juliet and all of these characters that don't

[28:55] seem like anything are supposed to be analogs for characters.

Stuart Wellington

[28:58] Maybe Fiery Tibalt was killed in Gnomeo and Juliet.

Elliott Kalan

[29:02] Maybe.

[29:03] Somebody had to have been.

[29:04] Yeah.

[29:05] So, okay.

[29:05] So you're saying in Gnomeo and Juliet, these characters were created for Gnomeo and Juliet

[29:08] and now they're just kind of like stuck in this new movie.

[29:10] Exactly.

[29:11] So they don't really fit.

[29:12] Okay.

[29:12] Because I was like, I don't care about this other gnome and his crush on this frog.

[29:16] And the frog is voiced by, what's that actress's name that's great?

[29:20] From Extras and Catastrophe?

[29:22] Yeah.

[29:22] What is her name?

[29:23] Dan, you're the one who looked at the Wikipedia page.

[29:25] Yeah, but I don't retain everything.

Dan McCoy

[29:27] I'm not Sherlock Holmes.

[29:28] I don't retain everything I see in my memory palace.

[29:29] Maybe you should.

[29:30] I'm going to look at a real place.

Stuart Wellington

[29:31] Although, I got to say, a lot of this movie.

[29:34] Ashley Jensen.

[29:35] Yeah, she's great.

[29:35] Yeah, she is great.

[29:36] A lot of times people would show up and I'd hear a voice and I'm like, is that fucking James Corden?

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:43] I did that over and over, guys.

[29:44] I thought that Moriarty was James Corden.

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] I thought that Gnomeo was James Corden.

[29:50] Especially when he did his gnome pool carry gnome key.

[29:53] Yeah.

[29:55] Yeah, James Corden, not in this film.

[29:57] But it is the kind of, but he was in the Emoji movie, which we watched.

[30:01] I don't know, we haven't released that episode yet, have we, Dan?

[30:02] No, we haven't released it.

[30:03] Okay, so get ready.

[30:04] We'll talk about James Corden in that one.

[30:06] True Believers face front, Excelsior, as seen in that episode.

[30:10] That's a story for another time, like the giant rat of Sumatra.

[30:13] Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Gnomes.

[30:15] So, Sherlock misses having an enemy now that Moriarty is dead and he clearly doesn't respect

[30:19] Watson.

[30:20] He just doesn't give him any respect.

Stuart Wellington

[30:22] Which turns, I got to say that Sherlock.

[30:24] I can't believe you just stepped on his Rodney Dangerfield bit over here.

[30:29] Oh, sorry.

[30:30] Nope, it's too late now.

[30:31] Or Rover Doggerfield.

[30:32] I can't tell which one it was.

Elliott Kalan

[30:33] Rover Doggerfield.

[30:35] I think it's just Rover Dangerfield.

[30:39] That's crazy.

[30:40] Our new character, Rover Doggerpup.

[30:42] As you can tell, he's a Ronnie Dangerfield parody.

[30:45] Why would I be able to tell that?

[30:47] His name has been mangled into incomprehensibility.

[30:51] His name is Rover Doggerfido.

[30:54] Is that a Hardy Firestein character?

[30:56] What is?

[30:57] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[31:00] What I was going to say, though, sorry about interrupting, was that like-

[31:03] Don't be, Dan.

[31:04] Sherlock Holmes.

[31:05] Turnabout is fair play.

[31:06] Sherlock Holmes, the original character, is sort of an arrogant cold man.

[31:11] But he's still likable, in part because of his devotion and friendship with Dr. Watson.

Elliott Kalan

[31:16] Now, how do you feel about- I feel like this Sherlock Holmes is less a take on the stories and more a take on the Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock Holmes.

[31:23] Could be.

[31:24] How do you feel about this understanding of Sherlock Holmes, much the way that every Marvel hero, like Doctor Strange, is now Iron Man, a wise-ass who is a real fuck-up, but he's a hero in the end.

[31:36] Even the characters that shouldn't be like that, like Doctor Strange.

[31:39] How do you feel about every Sherlock Holmes now being kind of a sociopath who is mean to other people?

Stuart Wellington

[31:43] Yeah, or like Johnny Lee Miller, who's basically old Sheldon, like an old version of young Sheldon, all grown up.

Dan McCoy

[31:49] Well, that's the second part of my thought, is that like-

[31:51] I'm glad I teed it up.

[31:52] You're welcome.

[31:52] This Sherlock Gnomes is so much less likable than Sherlock Holmes because he's such an asshole to his gnome, Dr. Watson.

[32:01] Yeah, Dr. Watson-Gnome.

[32:02] There's no- I just feel like you're watching this thing and you're like, why am I supposed to care about this guy?

[32:07] Like, this gnome?

[32:09] Why am I supposed to care about this gnome?

[32:10] This gnome is an asshole.

[32:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:12] I think that when you watch a movie and you find yourself asking the question, why am I supposed to care about this gnome?

[32:16] I feel like the movie has failed in that moment, or gnoment, as you might say.

[32:22] Yeah.

[32:23] And you just want to go and listen to the work of Klaus Gnome, or in the gnome world, Klaus Gnome.

[32:29] So anyway, Sherlock is not respecting Watson.

[32:33] Gnomes are disappearing again.

[32:34] Uh-oh.

[32:34] Just like when Moriarty was around.

[32:36] And there's a TV news story about it where they mention Sherlock Gnomes.

[32:40] And so I'm like, wait a minute.

[32:41] What's this reality?

Stuart Wellington

[32:42] Is the TV news making a joke, or is Sherlock Gnomes famous?

[32:45] I was kind of into it, because I kind of was into this bit.

[32:49] Because it was like, it seemed like they were kind of, it was a moment of self-aware, like, winking at the audience.

[32:55] Okay.

[32:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:55] And then, like, they ended the TV segment by being like, why are we reporting on this?

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] This is not a story.

[33:01] Or then they go like, some say it's a catastrophe.

[33:03] Others, it's a slow news day.

[33:04] Yeah.

[33:05] So there are a few jokes in this movie that are funny jokes.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:08] This was a funnier movie than I thought it would be.

[33:10] Still not, I wasn't laughing a lot, but there were funny things.

[33:13] Okay, so back to the gnomes.

[33:15] We're introduced to the horror that is Mankini, gnome.

[33:18] Yeah.

[33:18] Who is a gnome wearing a Mankini with, like, a foreign accent.

[33:21] So it's like, is this a takeoff on Borat?

Dan McCoy

[33:23] I think it's a Borat thing.

[33:24] Yeah.

[33:24] Because it's the same Mankini.

Stuart Wellington

[33:26] And just the general joke that, like, Europeans are, often wear small swimsuits.

[33:33] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] They're just so advanced, I think.

[33:36] Yeah, that's what we'll all be wearing in the future.

[33:39] Yeah, we'll just change out of our silver jumpsuits that cover our entire body.

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] And underneath that silver jumpsuit is a slingshot swimsuit.

Elliott Kalan

[33:46] Yeah, with a slingshot thong swimsuit.

[33:49] Because they're very slimming.

[33:51] I mean, you know.

[33:53] Juliet is so focused on making the garden work that she's not paying attention to Gnomeo.

[33:58] Gnomeo's all like, wah, what about our relationship?

[34:01] Wah, wah, I'm a baby man.

[34:02] And it's like, and we're supposed to sympathize with Gnomeo here.

[34:05] But there was part of me that was like, you guys have a big job to do.

[34:08] Like, finish the job.

[34:10] Don't worry.

[34:11] Juliet is still your love.

[34:12] Like, she can be interested in work and not be interested in you.

[34:15] Anyway, Gnomeo, there's only one solution.

[34:17] Go on a spy mission to steal a flower for her from a florist shop.

[34:21] He almost gets caught, though.

Dan McCoy

[34:23] Did this tie into the main plot at all?

[34:25] I can't remember.

[34:26] No, it's what you would call a side quest.

Stuart Wellington

[34:27] It got the two of them out of the garden so that when the rest of them all get scooped up.

[34:33] Oh, right.

Elliott Kalan

[34:34] And also, it gives Juliet an opportunity to get mad at Gnomeo for endangering himself.

[34:38] So they have an argument.

[34:40] When they get back, all the other gnomes are gone.

[34:42] It removes them from there.

[34:43] Sherlock and Moriarty show up because Sherlock has deduced that.

[34:46] Sherlock and Watson.

[34:47] Oh, sorry.

[34:48] Sherlock and Watson.

[34:49] Oh, wow.

[34:49] Freudian's left.

[34:50] Oh, boy.

[34:51] Sherlock, he thinks Moriarty's back.

[34:53] He's deduced that that garden will be hit next.

[34:54] All the gnomes are gone.

[34:56] So now, Sherlock and Watson.

Stuart Wellington

[34:58] And there's a Moriarty calling card there, right?

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] Yes, there is, which is literally a card with an M on the back and a clue on the front.

[35:05] Now, to deduce the clue, Sherlock does the first of a few times when he goes into his memory palace in his brain in 2D animation.

[35:12] And I got to admit, I love these sequences.

[35:15] I like this 2D animation.

[35:15] Yeah, they're pretty cool.

[35:16] And it was like, they did a great job with them.

[35:18] They're super inventive.

[35:20] And I was like, oh, right, because 2D animation is amazing.

[35:24] Yeah.

[35:24] Because you can do anything with it.

[35:26] And it made me realize in that moment, I was like, I would like this movie a lot more if it was not a CGI movie.

[35:32] Yeah, it's true.

Dan McCoy

[35:32] The CGI, I haven't thought about it before, but the CGI cartoons are sort of tethered to reality in a way that 2D stuff isn't.

Elliott Kalan

[35:38] Very much so.

[35:39] With CGI, the choice seems to have made at a certain point that the purpose of CGI animation is to get as close to reality as possible.

[35:46] And by doing that, you lose a lot of what I'm going to call the plasticity of animation.

[35:50] Yeah.

[35:51] Like, forms can no longer bend and change because they have to seem real.

[35:54] And I think part of that's because when you're drawing, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

[35:59] You're just drawing a picture.

[36:00] But with a computer, you need to work out the physics and the mechanics of it so that it doesn't look weird and messed up when it animates.

Stuart Wellington

[36:07] A task that the makers of Food Fight failed at.

[36:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:11] But in a weird way, I'm like, it makes me look back at Food Fight and go like, oh, at least the characters in that looked like weird cartoon characters.

[36:17] They were hideously ugly and awful.

[36:20] But it just reminded me, like, oh, 2D animation.

[36:24] If you look at, like, the old Warner Brothers cartoons or, like, old Disney stuff, like, there's no limit.

[36:29] All the non-racist stuff.

[36:31] The stuff that's not – I'm not saying go watch Isle of Pingo Pongo or anything like that.

Stuart Wellington

[36:34] A buddy of mine hosted a, like, breakfast cereal and animation thing where he did a curated, like, three to six-hour block of animation.

[36:46] There was animation through decades.

[36:48] Oh, cool.

[36:48] And it started – and, man, I've seen that presentation in various forms a couple times.

[36:55] And that bit with – what's Mark Anthony, the dog and the tiny little cat?

[36:59] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:59] Feed the kitty.

[37:00] I could watch that fucking cartoon every day.

[37:03] That's a great cartoon.

Stuart Wellington

[37:03] And it's not just because of the fetishizing of the housewife who wears high heels while baking stuff.

Dan McCoy

[37:10] I've seen that cartoon with, like, a crowd, like, three or four times.

[37:14] And it always works, like, gangbusters on everyone.

[37:16] And, like, everyone's, like, on the verge of tears at various points.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] So, when Mark Anthony thinks that the kitty got made into cookies and you're like, whoa.

[37:27] Yeah, it's a sweet cartoon.

[37:28] And you're also like, Disney cartoon – like, this kind of cartoon – it's Warner Brothers?

[37:32] Warner Brothers, yeah.

[37:33] That's a Chuck Jones cartoon.

[37:33] That's back in the day when, like, they could chop this kitty up right now.

[37:38] Like, there's a hint of danger.

Elliott Kalan

[37:40] Well, there's – you couldn't – it's – Warner Brothers would never go quite that far.

[37:44] Like, what the story I always heard about Tex Avery was he left Warner Brothers because there was an early Bugs Bunny cartoon he did where Bugs Bunny is being chased by this dog.

[37:52] And they fall off a cliff.

[37:53] And they're going, ah!

[37:55] And you believe that they died.

[37:57] And then they go, fooled ya!

[37:59] And then it abruptly cuts to black.

[38:01] And what was – what was – originally happens in that cartoon is they then step off a cliff for real and die for real.

[38:06] And it ends with their tombstones.

[38:09] And Warner Brothers was like, we're not really going to kill these characters.

[38:11] And Tex Avery left.

[38:11] And then he went to MGM where they would allow him to kill the characters.

[38:15] There's a screwy squirrel cartoon that ends with screwy squirrel having been murdered by a dog.

[38:20] And screwy squirrel has X's on his eyes and he holds up a sign that says, sad, isn't it?

[38:24] But like – so I guess what I'm saying is CGI feels like it has hit a cul-de-sac in a weird way.

[38:30] And seeing these 2D sequences where there's –

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] He peaked at reboot, right, is what you said.

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] I said reboot was the crest and everything.

[38:37] It's much like when a –

[38:38] He did the Dire Straits video.

[38:42] It peaked with Weird Al's Beverly Hillbillies parody of the Dire Straits video.

[38:48] It was like – it was –

Stuart Wellington

[38:51] At least there's no like problematic verses in the Weird Al Yagovic version.

Elliott Kalan

[38:55] I hope not, yeah.

[38:57] He avoids any slurs in it, yeah.

[38:59] Except for a hillbilly.

[39:00] I mean you could argue that it's a parody but still, you know.

[39:04] But there's that – in these 2D animation scenes there's just like an inventiveness there.

[39:09] There's all these tiny little Sherlock's running around and like there's –

[39:12] Yeah.

[39:12] The dimensions of the screen are moving around a lot.

[39:15] Anyway, it just was really cool.

[39:16] So nice – whoever did those sequences, nice to work.

Stuart Wellington

[39:19] Yeah, there was the moment where I'm like I'm going to have to say something that I genuinely like about this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:24] Never thought I'd say this but here's the part I liked about Sherlock gnomes.

[39:28] Anyway, we'll speed through.

[39:30] Sherlock and Watson race off to the next – where the next clue takes them.

[39:33] Gnomeo and Juliet follow along.

[39:34] There's a tidal wave action scene in a sewer pipe set to a guitar version of I'm Still Standing.

[39:39] And this is when I started realizing there's a lot of Elton John in this movie.

[39:43] Watson says they have 24 hours to follow Moirity's clues before he smashes all the gnomes.

[39:47] The first clue leads them to a trinket shop in Chinatown.

[39:50] There's a tiny salt shaker voiced by James Hong.

[39:53] Yeah.

[39:53] And there's a lot of like luck cats everywhere that they have to run away from.

Dan McCoy

[39:56] I was slightly uncomfortable with the design of the salt shaker, the Asian salt shaker.

[40:00] Yeah, it was – I wasn't quite sure how racist it was.

[40:03] I'm with you.

[40:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:03] I mean but James Hong is great.

[40:05] Oh, sure.

[40:06] He's great in everything.

[40:07] I've loved James Hong since I was a kid.

[40:09] And like his comic timing is great in it.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] Oh, yeah.

[40:12] But I was like in my notes I go, it's all somewhat racist.

[40:16] Or is it?

[40:16] Like I couldn't – it made me uncomfortable.

[40:18] But Sherlock, he did something back in that place that they didn't like so they chased him out.

[40:23] Gnomeo argues with Sherlock and Juliet takes Sherlock's side.

[40:27] Uh-oh.

[40:27] So Gnomeo runs off with Watson at the Natural History Museum and Sherlock tells Juliet, you're probably going to break up.

[40:33] That it's a 98 – he goes, it's a 99% chance you and Gnomeo are going to break up.

[40:37] And she goes, what?

[40:37] And he goes, well, I rounded down a little bit.

[40:39] But then they see a dragon.

[40:41] Uh-oh.

[40:42] It's a gargoyle that attacks Gnomeo and Watson.

[40:45] So gargoyles are alive in this universe?

[40:48] Yes.

[40:49] Yeah.

[40:49] And do they – are they protectors like they are in the cartoon show?

[40:52] Not like the cartoon at all.

[40:53] They are big, dumb, low-class bad guys.

Dan McCoy

[40:57] And apparently they can fly around even though they're made of cement.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] Okay, Dan.

[41:01] Now, you raise a good point.

[41:03] How do they get up in here since they're made out of cement?

Dan McCoy

[41:08] I mean, I don't know – I don't understand Bernoulli's principle enough to explain how this works.

[41:12] I would have guessed that was the case.

Elliott Kalan

[41:14] No offense, Dan.

[41:16] If you said to me, well, here's how Bernoulli's principle works, I think my eyes would have popped out of my head.

Stuart Wellington

[41:21] Like like you're wearing glasses or else I'd have to just hit the table.

[41:24] I'd have to just bounce right back.

Dan McCoy

[41:25] I have a basic understanding about it.

[41:26] It's something about how the air has to move faster on top of the wing than below it, which creates lift.

[41:32] Pardon me while my eyes pop out of my head right now.

Elliott Kalan

[41:35] But it raises the question, a gargoyle is like literally a block of stone that's been chiseled.

[41:41] Yeah.

[41:41] But so do they have – they can expand their wings and move around.

[41:44] Do they have like skeletons and understructures?

Stuart Wellington

[41:46] I mean, it's the same thing where it seems like some of the garden gnomes, like the smaller, more minion-y type garden gnomes,

[41:52] can't seem to move their arms or legs or anything and just kind of bounce around.

Dan McCoy

[41:56] Yeah, and then there's the one gnome who's like attached to the toilet.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] Who's sitting on a toilet all the time.

[42:00] But then he gets up from the toilet later on.

[42:02] Does he?

[42:03] He jumps up to dance and it's like – but then later he makes Watson carry him on the toilet.

[42:07] And it's like, dude, we saw you get up off of that toilet.

[42:10] Get off and carry your own toilet.

Stuart Wellington

[42:12] So like it's questionable.

[42:15] I don't think we can do any hard or fast rules about what can or can't work in this universe.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] Okay.

[42:20] So the gargoyles attack Gnomion and Watson.

[42:22] This is after Watson has dropped another clue that he's a bad guy.

[42:24] He goes, we all have our good and bad sides.

[42:26] Sherlock.

[42:27] Me.

[42:27] Looks at the camera.

Stuart Wellington

[42:28] He looks at the camera and holds up a sign that says, I'm a bad guy.

[42:31] And Chiwetel J.F.

[42:33] Or who does the voice is like, I'm going to be as ominous as possible.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] I'm going to channel my children of men voice.

[42:40] Oh, what a good movie.

[42:41] So Watson in the conflict plummets from a roof and we hear a shattering, uh-oh, Watson is dead.

[42:47] And Gnomio gets kidnapped.

[42:48] And Juliet is horrified that Sherlock isn't sadder that his friend Watson died.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] I'm horrified too.

Stuart Wellington

[42:55] As a Sherlockian.

[42:56] Well, but there is a same.

[42:57] Sherlock does kind of.

[42:57] Is that what you call it?

[42:58] I thought it was Lockheeds.

[43:00] I thought they were John Holmeses.

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] As a Sherlock Holmes fans.

Dan McCoy

[43:05] Yeah.

[43:06] I don't have any other ones.

[43:07] You guys are gazing at me as if I'm going to contribute something like this.

[43:10] They call themselves Slylock Foxes.

[43:12] All right.

[43:12] That's pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[43:12] So Dan, are you more of a Sherlock Holmes fan or a Slylock Fox fan?

[43:15] I'm a Max Mouse fan, personally.

[43:17] Wow, really?

[43:18] I think he just wanted to say that name.

[43:20] Dan, have you ever gone to London and tried to find 221B Baker Street?

[43:24] I've been to 221B Baker Street.

Dan McCoy

[43:25] Yeah.

[43:26] They've got a museum there.

[43:27] Of what?

[43:27] Fake stuff?

[43:28] Yeah.

[43:29] They've recreated Sherlock Holmes' fake apartment.

[43:31] There's like, you know, tobacco and his Persian slipper and Victoria Regina initials.

[43:38] Excuse me?

[43:39] The wall with bullets.

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] Everything from the...

[43:44] Do you think when Queen Victoria was around, when people would say Victoria Regina, they

[43:48] would then go...

[43:49] Because it sounds so much like vagina?

Dan McCoy

[43:52] Probably.

[43:53] I mean, I don't know.

[43:54] It was the Victorian period.

[43:55] They were repressed, but they had their little stuff going on underneath the surface.

[43:59] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[44:00] They were pretty Kinko.

[44:01] Much like that sex shop Kinkos.

[44:05] I was so...

[44:06] It was so surprising to me how you go to the small towns and then right there in the strip

[44:10] mall, there's like this sex store called Kinko's that's huge.

[44:14] They're enormous.

[44:14] And people are just walking in and out.

Dan McCoy

[44:16] Like, it's no big deal.

[44:16] They're just walking in and have sex with the Xerox machines.

[44:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[44:19] And you're like, can I get a pair of sex swings?

[44:22] They're like, only comes in once.

[44:24] Well, can I buy two ones?

[44:26] No.

[44:27] The second one is twice the price for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[44:31] It's actually buy one, get the second one much more expensive.

[44:35] Okay.

[44:36] So, Gnomeo get kidnapped.

[44:39] Juliet and Sherlock, the only thing they can do now is wander through a modern art museum

[44:42] where Sherlock goes to find inspiration.

[44:45] And Juliet realizes she misses Gnomeo.

[44:48] Even though they had one fight, she still misses the love of her life when he's been kidnapped

[44:52] by a dragon monster.

[44:55] Gnomeo finds he's been taken by the Gargoyles to a big gnome dance party.

[44:58] All the gnomes are there and they're having a great time.

[45:00] But he's pretty sure it's a trap.

[45:02] And they're all going to get smashed.

[45:03] Because it's more Elton John music.

[45:04] Yeah, there's lots of Elton John music.

Stuart Wellington

[45:05] I think it's Philadelphia Freedom is what they're dancing to.

Elliott Kalan

[45:07] Like a club version.

[45:09] And Mankini gnome is dancing his heart out.

[45:11] He loves it.

[45:12] It's his favorite thing.

[45:13] You see a lot of gnome butt.

Stuart Wellington

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:14] This movie, so.

[45:15] And there's a fair amount of like gnome homophobia.

[45:20] Gnomeophobia.

[45:21] Gnomeophobia.

Dan McCoy

[45:22] You beat me to it, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[45:23] That's directed toward Mankini.

[45:25] You think so?

[45:27] I got that impression that like the other male gnomes were put off by his exhibitionism.

[45:32] Huh.

[45:33] I thought that they were very accepting of Mankini.

[45:34] Yeah, I thought they were all into it.

[45:35] Okay.

[45:36] Maybe.

[45:36] I mean the fact that his.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] Maybe I brought something different with me.

[45:39] That's on me, I guess.

[45:40] I mean Robin Wood would say that you bring yourself to the film no matter what.

[45:45] No matter what.

[45:46] No matter what.

[45:47] Or I guess maybe it's not him, but in the essay The Immediate Experience talks about how the

[45:52] reviewer has to admit that he is a human being who has gut reactions to things.

[45:57] And so you can't.

[45:58] There's nothing you can watch objectively.

[46:00] You always bring your frame of reference to it.

[46:02] So maybe that's what's going on here.

[46:04] Maybe I saw a bit of myself in Mankini.

[46:07] I think that's it because we all know Stuart is very uncomfortable with his own body, other

[46:10] men's bodies.

[46:12] One thing we know about Stuart.

[46:16] Because they seem pretty okay with Mankini's butt just being out.

[46:20] But then when Toilet Gnome stands up for a moment to dance, everyone is horrified by his

[46:24] butt.

[46:24] Because he hasn't wiped.

[46:25] That's why.

[46:25] Oh, that's what it is.

Stuart Wellington

[46:26] Oh.

[46:28] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[46:28] So you're telling me that there is ceramic poop stuck to his butt?

[46:33] I assume so.

[46:34] Like what gnome artisan is so, so perfectionist that he's like, you know what?

[46:40] I'm painting.

[46:40] I'm crafting a gnome sitting on a toilet.

[46:43] No one's going to ever know that this gnome has a little splotch of brown paint on his

[46:47] butt.

[46:48] Yeah.

[46:48] But I'm going to know.

[46:48] I'm going to know, yeah.

[46:49] I'm going to gnome.

[46:50] And so I have to make sure.

[46:51] This is like when someone hides a little something in a work of art so that only they're going

[46:57] to know about, but here's what I was going to say.

[46:59] I first encountered this film as a trailer before the film Ferdinand, which I took my

[47:03] son to go see because we were.

[47:04] Because there's a car in it?

[47:05] There are cars in it.

[47:07] Okay.

[47:07] We were trapped in New York.

[47:09] Home Alone 2.

[47:10] Home Alone 2.

[47:11] Trapped in New York.

[47:14] Because there's a mysterious dome around the city.

[47:17] Kevin McAllister can't get out.

[47:19] Yeah.

[47:19] And the city falls into chaos.

[47:21] We were trapped in New York.

[47:23] Our flight home had been canceled.

[47:24] It was the coldest winter New York in 100 years.

[47:27] And we were like, let's go to the movies.

[47:28] We went to see Ferdinand.

[47:29] The trailer for Sherlock Gnomes was almost all butt jokes.

[47:34] Mankaney's butt, toilet gnome butt, a part where Sherlock Gnomes is shaking his butt in

[47:39] front of Juliet.

[47:40] And I was like, ugh, come on.

[47:42] And watching this movie, it's like, oh, every butt joke in the movie is in the trailer.

[47:45] Yeah.

[47:46] Like, they know what kids like.

[47:47] Kids find butts hilarious.

[47:49] Yeah.

[47:49] As my son.

[47:50] And adults, too.

[47:50] And adults.

[47:51] My son's favorite phrase now is booty butt, which he says all the time.

[47:55] I do not care for it.

[47:56] Get him a t-shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[47:57] It just says booty butt on it.

[47:59] But anyway, so.

[48:00] If you take the phrase and put it in a t-shirt, he will grow out of it just like the phrase

[48:06] will.

[48:07] Wait.

[48:08] I was trying to turn that into some kind of curse.

[48:12] Okay.

[48:13] Interesting.

[48:13] Yeah.

[48:14] Trying to weave a spell around this, how to get your kid to stop.

[48:17] To stop saying booty butt.

[48:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:20] Okay.

[48:20] I mean, it's better than the other thing he says a lot, which is about how he's going to

[48:22] cut my hands off and cut my head off and stuff like that.

[48:25] Wow.

[48:26] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[48:26] But that's just four-year-old boy stuff.

[48:28] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[48:28] All right.

[48:28] I used to.

Dan McCoy

[48:29] I mean, as soon as he starts torturing animals, just let me know.

Elliott Kalan

[48:31] I told Danielle, I said, if he's not wetting his bed, lighting fires, or torturing animals,

[48:35] we're doing okay.

[48:36] Yeah.

[48:36] If he starts doing two of those three things, we're in trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[48:39] When I was a little kid, the invective I would throw at my mother whenever I was angry

[48:44] is that I was going to crush her bones and throw them out the window.

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] I think I've mentioned that one.

[48:50] It's pretty good.

[48:51] So it's probably a trap, this dance party.

[48:54] The gargoyles seem pretty sinister.

[48:56] And so Sherlock and Juliet, their next clue takes them to a park where Sherlock was once

[49:02] bitten by a dog, and they're in a squirrel costume.

[49:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:05] It's like the Hound of the Baskervilles reference is thrown in there.

Elliott Kalan

[49:08] And they get chased.

[49:09] There's a chase scene with a riding lower.

[49:10] And Sherlock-

[49:11] They're chased by a spectral hound across the moors.

[49:13] Exactly.

[49:14] It turns out that it's not really a ghost.

[49:17] Mm-hmm.

[49:17] And then Alan de Botton writes a whole book about how Sherlock Holmes picked the wrong

[49:22] guy in the story.

[49:23] Oh, really?

[49:24] Taking advantage of-

[49:24] Have you ever read Sherlock Holmes was Wrong?

[49:27] No.

[49:27] It's a book about-

[49:28] Basically, he's taking advantage of plot holes in the story to explain that it was actually

[49:33] a different person who was a murderer, and Sherlock fell for the real bag of the scene.

Stuart Wellington

[49:36] It's like the original Honest Trailers or something.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] Kind of, yeah.

[49:40] In a way, yeah, that's exactly what it is.

[49:43] And so, but we're learning that these clues are sending Sherlock to places where he has

[49:47] had embarrassing things in the past that he has to face.

[49:51] Oh.

[49:51] He is not liked at the Chinese trinket shop.

[49:53] He was bitten by this dog.

[49:55] He has to go visit a former love.

[49:56] He's going to go to a doll museum or store or something where his former love, Irene, named

[50:01] after Irene Adler, right?

[50:02] Yeah.

[50:03] Voiced by Mary J. Blige.

Dan McCoy

[50:04] And also, like, the person who opens the door at Irene Adler's place is Gregson, which

[50:10] is the name of the other big Scotland Yard detective other than Lestrade.

[50:16] Oh.

[50:17] Oh.

[50:18] I didn't know that.

[50:19] Yeah.

[50:19] Was there a Lestrade in the movie?

[50:20] No, there wasn't.

[50:21] It was interesting that they went with Gregson.

[50:24] I thought they were like, we're going to be subtle for once in this movie.

[50:27] We're not going to take the road most traveled.

Elliott Kalan

[50:30] We're going to take the road slightly less traveled.

[50:32] Yeah.

[50:33] They also take the road very less traveled in that when going to see his ex-fiancee, Irene,

[50:38] who is a doll, she does not explain anything about the plot, but instead has an entire R&B

[50:43] song about how she doesn't need him and she's super strong now that has no bearing on the

[50:48] plot.

[50:49] And it was one of these weird things where I was like, if this movie was a musical, you

[50:52] wouldn't have to have an explanation for this scene.

[50:54] I'd just take it in stride.

[50:55] But this movie is not a musical.

[50:56] This is the only scene where the characters break into song.

[50:59] So it seemed very out of place.

[51:00] It was like if The Music Man was a drama and then suddenly Buddy Hackett starts singing

[51:06] Shapoopy.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] And you're like, what the hell is this?

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] I don't understand why this is happening.

[51:12] But because The Music Man is a musical, when Buddy Hackett starts singing Shapoopy, you

[51:15] just go, well, every musical's got one crap song and this is it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:20] Yeah, and this was my cue to ride that 10 second skip button.

Elliott Kalan

[51:26] Anyway, Irene sits down with Juliet and Juliet, while speaking, realizes that Gnomeo is devoted

[51:30] to her and that he just wanted to get her attention so badly because he loves her.

[51:34] Oh, that's sweet.

[51:35] Gnomeo, meanwhile, he escapes the gargoyles and their dance party by having his friends set

[51:40] up a play for the gargoyle who loves fairies and princesses to watch so he can escape.

[51:46] And it's during that play that the frog realizes that Benny the gnome has a crush on her because

[51:51] he can't kiss her in the play because he likes her too much in real life.

[51:55] Now, Dan, you're an actor.

[51:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[51:57] Did he run in this situation a bunch of times where you're like, I don't want to kiss my

[52:01] co-star because I'm secretly in love with you?

Dan McCoy

[52:05] I don't think I would have that problem.

[52:07] I mean, that sounds gross.

[52:09] Dan, call up your friend.

[52:10] What sounds gross about it?

[52:11] Call up your friend, Ken Harrington.

[52:12] Now it sounds like I'm taking advantage of the fact that I'm in the play.

Elliott Kalan

[52:16] No, but that's exactly why you can't, why you're having trouble kissing her.

Dan McCoy

[52:19] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[52:19] Yeah, I mean, I feel like that's the plot of so many bad comedies, right, is that the

[52:24] teenage boy starts taking drama as an excuse to kiss the co-star.

[52:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:30] I mean, let's write one right now.

[52:33] It's what?

Stuart Wellington

[52:33] Let's write one right now.

[52:34] Okay, so interior, the school gymnasium day.

[52:37] It's called The Boner Police.

Elliott Kalan

[52:41] It's a gritty drama.

[52:44] That's also the name of the hit song that comes off of the movie from like, I don't know,

[52:52] Go on.

[52:53] Wall of Sound or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[52:55] Come up with a contemporary music.

Elliott Kalan

[52:56] I don't have any Vampire Weekends.

[52:59] Sort of, I guess.

[53:00] TV on the radio, is that a thing?

[53:03] Boner Police is the song by Migos that comes out of the movie.

[53:07] Awesome.

[53:08] Anyway, and of course Cardi B has a verse on it.

[53:12] Oh, yeah, she's got a verse.

Stuart Wellington

[53:12] I mean, she's engaged to the guy from Migos.

[53:15] That's, can you name that person's name?

[53:17] Of course not.

Elliott Kalan

[53:19] Jimmy Migos?

[53:20] Bobby Migos?

[53:22] Felicity Huffman?

Dan McCoy

[53:25] I mean, she just disappears in her role.

Elliott Kalan

[53:28] Who's to know she hasn't been a member of Migos all this time?

[53:31] She can play a man transitioning into a woman.

Dan McCoy

[53:33] I don't understand.

[53:34] That reminds me of, what was it, Philem H. Muthman?

[53:37] Was that the Felicity Huffman, William H. Macy celebrity name?

[53:40] Yeah, and Colbert.

[53:41] Yeah, and Colbert.

Elliott Kalan

[53:41] Philem H. Muthman.

[53:44] So Gnomeo leaves, but the gnomes are still in trouble.

[53:48] And Mancini Gnome saves the day by getting the gargoyle to dance.

[53:52] So then finally, Watson reveals to Sherlock and Juliet he's been behind all this because Sherlock hasn't been respecting him, and he's never treated him like an equal.

[54:02] Or he used to treat him like an equal, and now he doesn't.

[54:04] And he only thinks about Moriarty all the time.

[54:06] So Watson set all this up, but the gnomes are really fine.

[54:09] They're not in trouble.

[54:11] Let's go over to the dance party I set up for them.

[54:13] They'll be okay.

[54:14] Uh-oh.

[54:15] That's when the gargoyles turn on Watson.

[54:17] They weren't really working for Watson.

[54:19] Who were they working for, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[54:21] Moriarty, who is always not dead.

Elliott Kalan

[54:23] He's never dead.

Dan McCoy

[54:24] Except, I mean, in the Sherlock show.

[54:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] He's dead.

[54:27] So they introduced that crazy story about Sherlock's sister who's crazy and lives on an island prison.

Dan McCoy

[54:34] That was so nuts.

[54:35] I mean, like.

[54:36] And she's pretending to be a little girl on an airplane.

[54:38] I kind of liked it just because it went so crazy.

[54:41] Like, it's just like, this has gone off the rails.

Elliott Kalan

[54:44] But, entertainingly.

[54:45] I can imagine if you watched the first episode of Sherlock and then the last episode of Sherlock, you'd be like, what the hell happened?

[54:50] Like, what happened in between?

Dan McCoy

[54:52] It's like.

[54:53] Stephen Moffat just literally went insane.

Elliott Kalan

[54:54] It's the biggest jump between Road Warrior and Road Warrior 2.

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] We were like, okay, in between movies, a nuclear war ended human civilization.

[55:01] Okay.

[55:02] That was an interesting thing to gap.

[55:03] I guess the juice is precious at this point.

Dan McCoy

[55:08] I actually.

[55:09] You said Road Warrior and Road Warrior 2.

[55:11] Come on.

[55:11] Mad Max and Road Warrior.

Elliott Kalan

[55:13] Oh, yeah.

[55:13] Sorry.

[55:14] Mad Max and Mad Max 2 is what I meant.

[55:16] Because Mad Max 2 is the Australian type of a warrior.

[55:18] I apologize.

[55:19] Mea culpa.

[55:19] I'll commit seppuku after this recording.

[55:21] Look, Elliot's going to the penalty box.

[55:23] I'm not enough that I have to take my licks where I can get them.

[55:25] No, you're right.

[55:26] And I'm sure the listeners were doing the same thing.

[55:28] They were like, it's Mad Max, not Road Warrior.

[55:29] I was preempting the tweets.

[55:30] They're sharpening their knives.

[55:31] Thank you.

[55:31] I am still going to get a tweet that says, hey, did anyone tell you that it's actually Mad Max?

[55:35] Mad Max 2?

[55:36] And I'll be like, yeah, Dan, in the episode.

[55:37] My favorite thing is when I'll get something wrong and someone's with me, I'm sure a hundred people have already correct you about this.

[55:42] And I'm like, nope, nobody except you.

[55:44] It turns out nobody cares about this thing that's so precious to you.

[55:48] You have to correct it.

[55:49] Welcome to my world.

[55:52] I remember writing into, there was a website where they refer, it was, I think it was on like ThinkProgress or something.

[55:57] And in a blog post, they referred to Ernest Lubitsch.

[56:01] And I wrote in being like, probably a lot of people mentioned this too, but it's Ernst Lubitsch, not Ernest Lubitsch.

[56:05] And the author of the post wrote me back and was like, oh no, thank you.

[56:08] I appreciate that.

[56:08] No one else mentioned it.

[56:10] I'm like, oh yeah, I guess no one else gives a shit.

Stuart Wellington

[56:13] Whether Ernest Lubitsch's name is correct.

[56:15] Well, was that before or after Ernest Lubitsch went to jail?

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] It was after he went to camp and before he saved Christmas.

[56:25] So Moriarty's like, I'm still alive.

[56:29] I faked my death.

[56:30] And he has them kidnapped, Juliet and Sherlock Gnomes and Watson taken to a boat.

[56:35] They go, when this boat hits Tower Bridge, the drawbridge is going to go up and that drawbridge is going to crush all the gnomes.

[56:42] So you'll be the, he's like, you'll be the unwitting cause of their death.

[56:46] And I wanted Sherlock Gnomes to be like, in no way am I causing their death right now.

[56:50] I've been kidnapped and tied up on a boat.

[56:52] I cannot control this boat.

[56:54] It would be doing this whether I was here or not.

[56:56] You did this.

[56:57] Don't put this, don't put this ceramic blood dust on my hand.

[57:00] But anyway, he doesn't say that.

[57:03] Let's just cut to the chase.

Stuart Wellington

[57:05] When they make the inevitable like gritty Ernest reboot, the post-credits scene is going to have a moment

[57:11] where Ernest is like, know what I mean, Vern?

[57:14] And then you're going to like, you'll hear, and then Vern will like step out from behind.

[57:17] And Vern will be like.

[57:18] Like a screen, a Japanese screen.

[57:20] And he'll be like The Rock or something.

Elliott Kalan

[57:22] Yeah.

[57:23] That's going to be awesome.

[57:23] Yeah.

[57:24] No, Vern is going to, or Vern will be like David Hasselhoff or some other ironic casting or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[57:30] The gritty reboot of Ernest.

[57:32] Like what would that be like exactly?

[57:34] Oh, it's going to be rough.

[57:35] It's called like Ernest Avenges a Rape.

Elliott Kalan

[57:38] Wow.

[57:39] So it's like The Crow or something like that.

[57:41] Whoa.

[57:41] It doesn't get grittier.

[57:42] I spit on your Ernest.

[57:43] Ernest spits on your grave.

[57:45] Yeah.

[57:46] Yeah.

[57:47] So what other, what other gritty way is it going to be?

[57:50] Look, I went as gritty as I could possibly get.

[57:52] Ernest goes to the last house on the left.

[57:54] Yeah.

[57:57] Yeah.

[57:58] All right.

[57:59] So I'm sorry guys.

[57:59] I got a little too real for you.

[58:00] Okay.

[58:01] So cut to the chase.

[58:02] Our heroes all work together.

[58:04] Sherlock fights Moriarty while Watson saves the gnomes and Watson proves he can come up with solutions to things.

Stuart Wellington

[58:09] I feel like you can just tack on Ernest at the beginning of most movie titles and it works.

[58:14] Like, hey, Ernest, don't look in the basement.

[58:16] Hey, Ernest, children shouldn't play with dead things.

[58:20] Hey, Ernest, Sophie's choice.

Elliott Kalan

[58:24] Ernest's list.

[58:25] Oh, no.

[58:26] Imagine if Ernest had been the one saving all those Jews from the Holocaust.

[58:28] It never would have worked.

Stuart Wellington

[58:29] I feel like that's the kind of pressure that would bring out the best in Ernest.

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] I mean, he always proves himself in the end.

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] That is the kind of crucible that creates diamonds.

Elliott Kalan

[58:38] Even when Ernest was literally scared stupid, he managed to stop those goblins and save Halloween.

[58:46] With milk.

[58:47] It was milk, right?

[58:48] That did the trick?

[58:49] Yeah.

[58:50] Goblins hate milk, apparently.

[58:51] Yeah.

[58:52] Hey, look, most adults don't like milk either.

[58:54] I don't handle it very well.

[58:58] There's a reason that when Sean Penn was starring as Harvey Milk in the movie Milk, a lot of people were like, I don't know about this.

[59:05] And I was like, no, no, it's not the drink.

[59:07] It's a person.

[59:07] And they went, oh, okay, never mind then.

[59:09] That's why Josh Brolin's so mad.

[59:11] He likes the drink.

[59:13] He loves drinking milk.

[59:15] And he's really mad he can't drink Harvey Milk.

[59:17] Okay, anyway.

[59:18] I can see Dan getting uncomfortable as I touch all these hot button issues.

Dan McCoy

[59:22] No, no, no.

[59:22] We're just so close to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[59:24] Oh, yeah.

[59:24] Anyway.

[59:25] And Genome and Juliet defeat the gargoyles.

[59:27] The end.

[59:28] And Sherlock risks his life to save Watson from Moriarty.

[59:31] And Watson saves Sherlock at the last minute.

[59:34] And Sherlock apologizes to him.

[59:36] And you know what?

[59:36] They're best friends again.

[59:37] Yeah.

[59:38] And Benny and that frog finally kiss each other.

[59:41] And then there's a jump forward to spring.

[59:43] It's the spring day celebration.

[59:45] Gnome and Juliet are in charge.

[59:46] They did a great job.

[59:48] And, of course, they throw a dance party.

[59:50] And Sherlock and Watson are there.

[59:52] And they walk off arm in arm, Sherlock now limping with a cane as Watson used to use a cane because he hurt his leg fighting Moriarty.

[1:00:00] Because I guess garden gnomes have bones that can break.

[1:00:04] There's a part where Moriarty stomps on Sherlock gnomes' leg and he goes, ah!

[1:00:08] And it's like, wait, hold on a second.

[1:00:09] And it's implied that he broke his leg.

[1:00:11] Yeah.

[1:00:11] It's like, so what did he, wait, hold on.

[1:00:13] What's inside him?

[1:00:14] Because they're hollow, right?

[1:00:15] Yeah.

[1:00:16] What's inside him?

[1:00:17] Is it chocolate or gold?

[1:00:19] And I have to admit, it was a little touching to me to see them walking off into the distance.

[1:00:25] Two old pals.

[1:00:26] Friendship back together again.

[1:00:28] Arm in arm.

[1:00:29] And Sherlock now depending on Watson in a way that he hadn't before, both physically and emotionally.

[1:00:34] And thus ends Sherlock gnomes.

[1:00:36] Did you guys stick around for the bloops?

[1:00:39] Were there bloops?

[1:00:39] I fast forwarded through the credits.

[1:00:41] I think I fast forwarded through the credits.

[1:00:42] Yeah.

[1:00:42] I fast forwarded through to see who the voice cast was because I couldn't recognize so much

[1:00:46] of it.

[1:00:46] And I wasn't sure which of, how many of the parts James Gordon played.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:49] Yeah, you didn't want to just say James Gordon all?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:53] I wanted to be one of those things where there's just all the names and there's a bracket and

[1:00:57] it just points to James Gordon's name.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:00] So let's do our final judgments whether this is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a

[1:01:04] movie we kind of liked.

[1:01:06] I won't say that this was a movie I liked and I'm not sure it's a bad bad movie either.

[1:01:16] And it's not a good bad movie.

[1:01:17] It's not a good bad movie.

[1:01:18] It's not like a movie where you laugh at.

[1:01:19] It's a movie where I just, my reaction was, why does this exist?

[1:01:23] It's a baffling movie.

[1:01:24] Other than the rhyme.

[1:01:25] Like there's no, like the rhyme is the entire reason for this movie to have been made.

[1:01:30] And like the fact that it still uses the Gnomeo and Juliet characters and it's a crossover.

[1:01:36] Like, and the Elton John song.

[1:01:39] Like all of it.

[1:01:39] None of it, like the pieces fit together.

[1:01:42] It's like someone tore up several scripts and just threw them up in the air.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] Even Sherlock Gnomes himself would be hard pressed to solve this riddle.

[1:01:49] Yeah.

[1:01:51] LA, you have a kid.

[1:01:52] Is this the sort of thing that you would put in front of your kid, like sit your kid down

[1:01:55] and be like, this will keep him entertained for an hour and a half?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:57] Here's the thing.

[1:01:58] So I agree with Dan.

[1:01:59] It's not quite a bad bad movie.

[1:02:00] I didn't quite like it, but it was better than I thought it would be.

[1:02:03] And so when I saw the trailer, I was like, my son has never seen this movie.

[1:02:07] It's nothing but butt jokes.

[1:02:08] It looks stupid.

[1:02:09] But actually watching the movie, I was like, I'd be fine with him watching this.

[1:02:12] I don't know that it would necessarily keep his attention.

[1:02:14] It feels like it's so much about whether Gnomeo and Juliet are going to stay together

[1:02:19] and Sherlock Gnomes is like deduction.

[1:02:22] I don't know that a kid would be that interested in those things.

[1:02:26] And a lot of the jokes are like, there's a lot of jokes where Moriarty like

[1:02:30] can't get his computer to work right.

[1:02:31] And he's like, how do I share screen?

[1:02:33] Hold on.

[1:02:33] Wait.

[1:02:33] And like, it's not a joke that I think a kid would necessarily find funny.

[1:02:37] But and all that like gnome wordplay, like, I don't know.

[1:02:40] But if Sammy was like, I want to watch Sherlock Gnomes, I'd be like, all right.

[1:02:43] Okay.

[1:02:44] That's fine.

[1:02:44] You can watch it.

[1:02:45] I don't need to watch it with.

[1:02:46] Well, I mean, what I would do is what I do a lot of times when he's watching TV,

[1:02:48] which is he says, daddy, watch this with me.

[1:02:50] And he'll watch a show and I'll just fall asleep next to him on the couch.

[1:02:52] And then he'll wake me up and go, daddy, it's over.

[1:02:55] And I'm like, oh, that was good.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:57] And that's kind of like when I watched Deadpool with my wife.

[1:03:01] And you fell asleep and she kept nudging you to wake up.

[1:03:03] Yep.

[1:03:04] She's like, you're missing all the exciting action moments.

[1:03:06] He's talking to the screen.

[1:03:08] So, Stuart, what do you think?

[1:03:09] Would you show your son this movie?

[1:03:10] Yeah, I mean, guys.

[1:03:11] Your son is a cat, by the way.

[1:03:13] You might want to hold on to your wigs so they don't flip off.

[1:03:17] But I think this might be a movie that wasn't made for us.

[1:03:22] Hold on.

[1:03:23] Hold on.

[1:03:23] Wait a second.

[1:03:24] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:24] Three approaching middle-aged men.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:28] Probably.

[1:03:29] I mean, it's probably more made for us than for a lot of folks.

[1:03:33] But I don't think it's made for us.

[1:03:36] So, like, it's hard for me to.

[1:03:37] It's definitely a kid's movie.

[1:03:39] It doesn't feel too offensive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:42] No, there are a couple times where characters do the thing I hate where, like, something will fall on from the side and they'll go, oh, fertilizer.

[1:03:48] Like, where the joke is that they're not, they're kind of swearing.

[1:03:51] Yeah.

[1:03:52] And I hate that.

[1:03:52] But there aren't, like, do you remember when every kid's movie seemed to have a Scarface reference in it?

[1:03:58] Like, every kid's movie had a part.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:00] Are you thinking of MTV's Cribs, where every crib had, like, a Scarface room?

[1:04:05] That's what I'm thinking of.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:06] No, there was a period where it felt like every kid's movie had a moment where someone would say, say hello to my little friend.

[1:04:11] And they'd bring out, like, a little tiny guy or something like that.

[1:04:14] And I would be like, stop it.

[1:04:15] This is a reference to a, this is not a reference.

[1:04:17] If a kid gets this reference, the parents have done a bad job.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] And also, like, that's a reference that I'm almost too young for.

[1:04:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:25] Like, I mainly get it because of seeing it as a reference so many times.

[1:04:29] Yeah.

[1:04:29] It's not like Scarface is so planted in my mind.

[1:04:32] But, like, that this movie doesn't have much of that.

[1:04:35] Like, I feel like there, aside from the, like, almost swearing jokes and the baffling amount of Elton John references, there's not.

[1:04:42] It does feel like it was made for, like, Elton John's grandkids or something, or grandnephews.

[1:04:46] I mean, I kind of wouldn't be surprised if Elton John's kids were like, his grandkids were like, we don't have anything.

[1:04:52] We don't have anything to watch, Grandpa Elton.

[1:04:55] And he's like, produce a movie.

[1:04:58] Oh, yeah?

[1:04:59] Like, we're bold, Grandpa Elton.

[1:05:01] Well, I'll just put a movie into production so in a year and a half, you'll have something to watch.

[1:05:06] Yay!

Dan McCoy

[1:05:06] Yay!

[1:05:07] Until then, we'll just sit here and drink our tea and eat our plum jam.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:12] Don't go into that wardrobe.

[1:05:14] Oh, but they have Turkish delights in that wardrobe.

[1:05:16] Whatever that is.

[1:05:19] I remember, do you guys remember as a kid, do you have this experience of reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,

[1:05:23] and all those mention of Turkish Delight and being like, what is this magical candy?

[1:05:27] This is going to be the best candy ever.

[1:05:28] This is going to be the most amazing candy.

[1:05:30] Once I understood that sweet meat was not meat, that it was episode sweet, I was like, what is this candy?

[1:05:36] This kid is selling out his reality for it.

[1:05:38] Have you had it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:39] It's terrible.

[1:05:40] No, I've never had it.

[1:05:41] Or like sweet breads, you're like, I don't think that's bread.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:45] It's not very sweet, and it's not bread.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:48] Like a gooey cube that is usually like rose water flavored, and sometimes it has like pistachio.

[1:05:53] Stachio is involved.

[1:05:53] It sounds terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:56] Do you also have any experience where you're like, wait, what the fuck's Santa Claus doing here?

[1:06:02] That was my experience of Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:04] I don't think it.

[1:06:05] I mean, as a Jewish kid, I was always asking that question, so it didn't bother me that much.

[1:06:15] Rolling.

[1:06:16] Rolling.

S4

[1:06:21] The news today is terrible, so why not forget about it while listening to Jonah Radio with Cash Hartzell.

[1:06:28] Hey, everybody.

[1:06:28] Featuring Neil Mahoney.

[1:06:30] Also me.

[1:06:30] This is a podcast where we play music submitted by a listener.

[1:06:34] We hang out, we listen to new tunes, and we take submissions at jonaradio, R-A-Y-D-I-O, at gmail.com.

[1:06:41] Come and check us out.

[1:06:42] We're here anyway.

[1:06:44] Yeah, we'll be here.

[1:06:45] So, and that's it.

[1:06:46] Back to your regularly scheduled podcast.

[1:06:54] I hope this one goes.

[1:07:00] Yeah, Mark.

[1:07:00] Hey, buddy.

S5

[1:07:01] Oh, hey, what's up, man?

[1:07:02] So, I'm at this mafia restaurant.

[1:07:05] What?

[1:07:06] I'm going to go in and ask these guys what they think the best pasta shape is.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:11] Mark, they're probably eating.

S5

[1:07:12] I have a hunch that it's probably ravioli, but, I mean, you know what?

[1:07:15] That's a good idea.

[1:07:16] Whatever they're eating, I'll just take a look in their bowls and see what they have.

[1:07:20] There's supposed to be a big meeting there today.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] Can you see it from the street?

[1:07:22] That sounds really dangerous.

S5

[1:07:24] I'm just going to go inside and ask.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:25] Don't bother them.

[1:07:26] They're probably eating, you know.

[1:07:28] Look, I'm not threatened by them.

[1:07:29] How about we tell them what the best pasta is on our podcast, We Got This With Mark and Hal.

S5

[1:07:33] Oh, that's a great idea.

[1:07:34] Thank God.

[1:07:35] Tuesdays at 9?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:36] On MaximumFun.org.

S5

[1:07:38] Hey, I love that show.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:40] Hey there, everyone.

[1:07:44] We didn't know when this show was going to be broadcast, so get ready.

[1:07:49] Buckle your seatbelts.

[1:07:51] Put your pants on and tie them to something, because it's one of my solo ad reads.

[1:07:58] Patent pending.

[1:08:01] We have a lot of sponsors this week.

[1:08:04] Well, one sponsor and two Jumbotrons.

[1:08:07] So, if you count the Jumbotrons as sponsors, we have a lot of sponsors.

[1:08:11] And our first sponsor is Squarespace.

[1:08:14] Squarespace.

[1:08:15] It's a place where you can create a beautiful website.

[1:08:18] Turn your cool idea into a new website.

[1:08:20] Maybe you want to write some Sherlock Gnomes fanfic and get that out there in the world.

[1:08:25] And hey, if some of it's a little erotic, I won't tell.

[1:08:28] I won't tell Dad and Mom.

[1:08:30] All right?

[1:08:32] You can showcase your work.

[1:08:34] Announce an upcoming event or special project.

[1:08:37] Do a little e-commerce.

[1:08:40] Sell some stuff.

[1:08:41] All that stuff can be done with Squarespace.

[1:08:43] Because Squarespace gives you beautiful templates created by world-class designers.

[1:08:49] Functionality that will help you sell anything online.

[1:08:52] Free and secure hosting.

[1:08:54] And nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

[1:08:56] They're your one-stop shop, people.

[1:08:59] For website making.

[1:09:02] And if you want to get on the website making train.

[1:09:07] That's what it's called, by the way.

[1:09:09] Website making.

[1:09:11] You go to technical college and they're like,

[1:09:13] You want to take a class in website making?

[1:09:16] And you go, Yeah.

[1:09:19] Teach.

[1:09:20] Anyway, check out squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[1:09:25] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[1:09:33] Squarespace.

[1:09:37] Hey, we got a couple of Jumbotrons here.

[1:09:40] This first one is a little weird.

[1:09:43] And it goes like this.

[1:09:45] Everything is bad.

[1:09:47] Baskets are very bad.

[1:09:49] Baskets are very bad.

[1:09:49] Ours are especially horrible.

[1:09:52] Please, don't look at me.

[1:09:54] Also, Valhalla Rising rules and Snowpiercer is the only thinking person's sci-fi movie in decades.

[1:10:00] Except for how egg day is somehow cooler than sushi day.

[1:10:03] And also somehow they're the same day.

[1:10:06] And how eating bugs is somehow grosser than eating babies.

[1:10:09] But I mean, both of those do make you think.

[1:10:12] So, and their call to action is to visit shittybaskets.com.net and browse our terrible home goods.

[1:10:23] Now, you heard me right.

[1:10:26] It's shittybaskets.com.net.

[1:10:30] So, the .com part is written out with a D-O-T-C-L-M.

[1:10:36] And then there's a period net.

[1:10:40] So, that's that Jumbotron.

[1:10:42] And I hope you understood it.

[1:10:43] Because I don't.

[1:10:45] And here's this next one.

[1:10:47] It's a personal message.

[1:10:48] It's for Remy.

[1:10:49] It's from Bill.

[1:10:51] I think I know these Remy and Bill.

[1:10:54] Good luck to you on your marathon this fall.

[1:10:57] Or if you can't do it this time for some good reason, good luck when you do.

[1:11:01] You rule.

[1:11:03] I'd like to add my voice to this.

[1:11:05] Good luck, Remy.

[1:11:06] Good luck on your marathon.

[1:11:07] You rule.

[1:11:09] So, those are all of the promotions for this episode.

[1:11:14] Sorry, as always, for me.

[1:11:17] And let's get back to the episode.

[1:11:21] So, moving on to letters.

[1:11:23] We have the first one.

[1:11:25] It's from Delmar.

[1:11:26] Delmar.

[1:11:27] Delmar Pizza?

[1:11:28] Last name withheld.

[1:11:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:30] Now, guys, let me just take a minute here to say.

[1:11:33] Yeah.

[1:11:33] I should be doing an Elton John inflected letters song.

[1:11:36] Uh-huh.

[1:11:37] Read Me Closer Tiny Letters.

[1:11:39] Uh-huh.

[1:11:39] Or I can't stop talking about that Letter Dial Rock.

[1:11:42] Also be Croc a Letter Rock.

[1:11:44] Uh, Letterman.

[1:11:45] Letter Day.

[1:11:45] Yeah.

[1:11:46] Yeah, Letter Day.

[1:11:48] Letter Day Night's All Right for Letters.

[1:11:51] Or like, uh, what else?

[1:11:52] I believe in letters.

[1:11:54] Or something like, can you read the letters tonight?

[1:12:00] I know it's not letters.

[1:12:02] Or like, letters and the jets.

[1:12:05] But it turns out, I just don't.

[1:12:06] I thought it's Benny and the Letts.

[1:12:07] Benny and the Letts is, well, people think that's about Tracy Letts.

[1:12:11] Benny Tracy Letts.

[1:12:13] He's writing lots of plays.

[1:12:15] And Lady Birds.

[1:12:17] He's doing stuff and then he does things.

[1:12:20] Ch-ch-ch-ch-tracy, Tracy Letts.

[1:12:22] But, here's the thing.

[1:12:23] I just don't know that many Elton John songs.

[1:12:25] So, I just can't do this Elton John letter parody everyone wants me to do.

[1:12:28] So, I apologize.

[1:12:29] All right.

[1:12:30] Uh, anyway.

[1:12:32] Delvar.

[1:12:32] Oh, also, also, wait, wait.

[1:12:33] If I read a letter.

[1:12:35] But then again, no.

[1:12:37] If I read a letter in a traveling letter show.

[1:12:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:42] Like a letter in the wind.

[1:12:44] I hope you don't write.

[1:12:45] I'm ready to though.

[1:12:45] I hope you don't write.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:47] Because then I'll have to read.

[1:12:49] Oh, that's really good.

[1:12:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:51] Okay.

[1:12:51] And I guess that's why they call it letters.

[1:12:57] Yeah.

[1:12:58] I should have said mailbag.

[1:12:59] That fits the blues better.

[1:13:01] I should have said mailbag.

[1:13:02] So, but guys.

[1:13:02] Yeah.

[1:13:02] Neither one sounds like the blues.

[1:13:05] Let's be clear.

[1:13:06] But I guess.

[1:13:06] But what I'm saying is.

[1:13:07] I guess I.

[1:13:08] He's being charitable to himself.

[1:13:09] I guess I just don't know enough Elton John songs when it comes down to it.

[1:13:12] So, I just can't do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:14] Good bit.

[1:13:15] Anyway.

[1:13:16] Peaches.

[1:13:17] Due to its practically holy status to Flophouse lore.

[1:13:20] I've recently visited a Popeye's.

[1:13:22] While there it occurred to me that if Elliot were to be executed.

[1:13:25] His last meal would definitely involve some good, good Louisiana fried chicken.

[1:13:29] Hell yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:29] I've thought about it many times.

[1:13:31] When I tried to think of.

[1:13:32] Here's my last meal guys.

[1:13:33] Yeah.

[1:13:34] I want Popeye's fried chicken.

[1:13:35] Uh-huh.

[1:13:35] Get me a prime rib from Keen's in Manhattan.

[1:13:38] Uh-huh.

[1:13:39] It's not going to taste the same if you mail it to me.

[1:13:40] So, you got to take me out of jail and take me to Keen's.

[1:13:42] I'll have the full experience.

[1:13:43] I'll talk to the warden.

[1:13:44] Lobster bisque.

[1:13:45] That's what I like to get as the appetizer.

[1:13:46] Okay.

[1:13:46] Then I get my prime rib.

[1:13:48] Rare plus.

[1:13:49] No.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:50] Nothing green anywhere near that plate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:52] Uh-huh.

[1:13:52] I want to point out my signed pipe that's in the display case in the front.

[1:13:55] Uh-huh.

[1:13:55] Along with all the other comedy pipes.

[1:13:57] And then I'm going, yeah, no green things except for cream spinach.

[1:14:00] Mm, yeah.

[1:14:01] Then I'm going to go.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] It's delicious.

[1:14:04] Oh, man.

[1:14:04] I'm sorry.

[1:14:05] As I mentioned before on this podcast, I can't handle milk stuff.

[1:14:09] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:09] So, when people talk about it, it makes me a little upset.

[1:14:11] Probably some kind of potato on the side.

[1:14:13] Uh-huh.

[1:14:14] It's a steakhouse.

[1:14:14] You need to have potatoes on the side.

[1:14:16] Then, and you know what?

[1:14:17] I like asparagus.

[1:14:18] A lot of people don't think of that as a steakhouse staple, but I like it.

[1:14:21] Then, okay.

[1:14:22] For the pee situation.

[1:14:23] Then it's off to Popeye's.

[1:14:24] I already got a prime rib in my tummy, but it's time to have like probably

[1:14:27] eight or nine pieces of mild Popeye's chicken.

[1:14:29] I want it fried up right then, not sitting under the warmer lights for a while.

[1:14:32] A little bit of red beans and rice.

[1:14:34] And then it's off to eat an entire molten chocolate cake.

[1:14:36] And then strap me into old Bessie and light me up.

[1:14:39] It's time for me to ride the lightning into the netherworld.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:42] And then you explode as soon as the electricity hits you.

[1:14:45] A couple of Cokes?

[1:14:47] What are you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:47] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:14:48] I'm drinking Coke the whole time.

[1:14:51] Maybe a couple, you know, like, you know what?

[1:14:54] I'll even try some of those weird handmade sodas.

[1:14:56] No, I don't want that.

[1:14:57] My last meal, forget it.

[1:14:58] I just want, give me a four liter bottle of Coca-Cola.

[1:15:00] Yeah.

[1:15:00] And I'll just chug that on down.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:03] To move on to the rest of the letter.

[1:15:05] When I tried to think of what meals Stuart and Dan would order, I drew a blank.

[1:15:10] So, fellas, what would each of you have for your last meal?

[1:15:12] Am I right that Popeye's is just too tempting for Ellie to pass up?

[1:15:14] Well, first I would go to Keen's.

[1:15:17] No.

[1:15:18] Yeah.

[1:15:20] Let's see.

[1:15:21] What would I have for my last meal?

[1:15:22] I think I might have a little fatty barbecue brisket.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:26] Oh, yeah.

[1:15:26] That sounds good.

[1:15:27] Just a little bit because you're watching your figure before you die?

Dan McCoy

[1:15:29] A lot.

[1:15:31] I mean, as long as I'm going the barbecue route, I'll just keep on going with that.

[1:15:36] Maybe have some sausage.

[1:15:38] What about ribs?

[1:15:40] Ribs.

[1:15:41] Some Frito pie.

[1:15:43] Oh, wow.

[1:15:43] Oh, sure.

[1:15:44] Yeah.

[1:15:44] You're not.

[1:15:44] Look.

[1:15:45] I'm still.

[1:15:46] I'm not.

[1:15:46] I don't need to watch my figure anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:48] Yeah.

[1:15:48] A minute on the lips.

[1:15:49] A lifetime of eternity in a coffin.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:52] And then for dessert, I think I would have a big slice of strawberry rhubarb pie.

[1:15:57] Slice of pizza.

[1:16:00] Strawberry rhubarb pie.

[1:16:01] Probably with a little vanilla ice cream on the side.

[1:16:05] Uh-huh.

[1:16:05] What if it was pizza with ice cream on the top of it?

[1:16:08] It would be gross.

[1:16:10] I mean, what do you mean?

[1:16:10] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:10] I once had pizza with mashed potatoes on it.

[1:16:13] Yeah.

[1:16:13] And it was delicious.

[1:16:14] And mashed potatoes looks kind of like ice cream sometimes.

[1:16:16] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:17] Well, I guess you checkmate for me.

[1:16:20] And what are you washing all that down with?

[1:16:22] Milk?

[1:16:23] Some big old glass of milk.

[1:16:25] I mean, I don't know.

[1:16:27] I mean, like, milk might not be bad with a pie.

[1:16:29] I know I'm not.

[1:16:29] You don't like lactose, but.

[1:16:31] Yeah.

[1:16:32] I would have, like, I mean, like, I would either go with iced tea to keep with the barbecue.

[1:16:37] The wrapper.

[1:16:38] Stuff.

[1:16:38] Or I would have, like, some, like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:41] I mean, he'd probably be good dinner company.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:42] Some rye whiskey with the.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:44] On the rocks.

[1:16:45] Wait, what's on the rocks?

[1:16:46] Rye whiskey.

[1:16:46] I don't think they're going to give you alcohol.

[1:16:49] Okay.

[1:16:49] Maybe they do.

[1:16:49] I don't know.

[1:16:49] Do they give you alcohol before you get killed?

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:52] I'll ask the warden.

[1:16:53] Okay.

[1:16:54] Jack Warden.

[1:16:55] The late Jack Warden.

[1:16:56] Yeah.

[1:16:57] Wharton the college?

[1:17:00] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17:00] You'll ask Wharton.

[1:17:01] You'll ask Edith Wharton.

[1:17:02] I'd probably do Indian food.

[1:17:06] I would probably, like, a family style.

[1:17:08] Just give me a lot of everything.

[1:17:10] I have a tendency.

[1:17:11] That's.

[1:17:11] Indian food's one of those things where I've.

[1:17:13] My brain kind of shuts off the, like, stop eating function.

[1:17:17] And so by the time I'm done, I'm like, oh, my God.

[1:17:20] What did I do?

[1:17:21] I don't know if I can make it home.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:23] That's me with Chinese food.

[1:17:25] My brain is just like, oh, yeah.

[1:17:27] Your stomach is a bottomless bag, right?

[1:17:29] Just keep shoveling Chinese food in there.

[1:17:31] And then I get so full and my tummy hurts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:32] So, like, I'll.

[1:17:33] You know, and I like to mix it up.

[1:17:35] So you got your biryanis.

[1:17:37] You got your bunas.

[1:17:39] You got.

[1:17:39] I'd have a couple of lamb dishes.

[1:17:41] A couple of veggie dishes.

[1:17:43] I like okra.

[1:17:44] Give me that okra.

[1:17:45] Yum, yum, yum.

[1:17:46] And dessert.

[1:17:47] I would drink a six pack of beer.

[1:17:53] Yeah, sure.

[1:17:54] Well, guys, good news.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:56] We've been sentenced to death.

[1:17:58] So we're all going to get our special meals.

[1:17:59] All our dreams are coming true.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:02] This next letter is from Walker.

[1:18:05] Comma, Texas Ranger.

[1:18:06] I was waiting for that.

[1:18:08] Who writes, dear floppers.

[1:18:10] I have a distinct memory of going to the video store with my mom.

[1:18:13] My mom is a kid.

[1:18:14] That's adorable.

[1:18:14] That's wonderful.

[1:18:15] What, next letter?

[1:18:16] I mean, that's sweet that you have those special memories.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] Not really a question, but I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:21] And admiring the box art and design of Wes Anderson's Rushmore.

[1:18:25] Uh-huh.

[1:18:25] When she said she was looking for something to watch, I told her to get that one, and she

[1:18:28] did.

[1:18:29] The next day, I asked her what it was about, and she told me, a high schooler who falls

[1:18:32] in love with her teacher.

[1:18:33] And at the end, he dies of hypothermia trying to save a guy from drowning in a lake.

[1:18:37] Wait, what?

[1:18:38] This really stuck with me.

[1:18:40] And when I eventually watched Rushmore, maybe 10 years later, I spent the entire time waiting

[1:18:45] for a sudden tragic turn that never came.

[1:18:47] Mm-hmm.

[1:18:48] I have two questions.

[1:18:49] One, have you ever had misinformation about a movie or its ending affect your viewing experience

[1:18:54] just as much as an actual spoiler might have?

[1:18:56] And two, what the hell was my mom talking about?

[1:18:59] Thanks, Walker.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:02] Yeah, very, uh...

[1:19:03] That's like, uh, when I didn't do the reading and somebody explained to me what happens in

[1:19:07] Bridge to Terabithia.

[1:19:09] You're like, wait, so they never get to Terabithia?

[1:19:13] Uh, the...

[1:19:14] Yeah, I had a situation like that with, uh, what was it?

[1:19:17] Uh, The Dark Knight Rises, which I...

[1:19:19] The third one?

[1:19:20] The third one, yeah.

[1:19:21] So I had tickets to, like, a fancy IMAX screening, but it wasn't until...

[1:19:25] Fancy, like you had to wear a bow tie?

[1:19:26] Yeah, it was black tie only.

[1:19:28] Um, and it was, uh, it was a couple days after release.

[1:19:32] I think it was, like, the Wednesday after release.

[1:19:34] And I had gotten off a bartending shift, and I was in the bodega getting a sandwich,

[1:19:39] and some drunken guys were talking about it, and one guy's like,

[1:19:42] yeah, and then Bane breaks Batman's back and kills him?

[1:19:45] And I'm like, fuck, dude, why do I have to hear this?

[1:19:48] So I went in being like, wow, Batman's gonna fucking die from a broken back in this movie.

[1:19:52] So that totally changed my perception.

[1:19:55] Considering he heals himself from a broken back?

[1:19:57] Yeah, I mean, he's Batman, dude.

[1:19:59] He can do anything he wants.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:00] I realized something.

[1:20:02] I was just thinking about this for some reason in the shower the other day,

[1:20:04] that at the end of Dark Knight Rises, he and Catwoman have escaped, spoiler alert,

[1:20:08] have escaped to Italy, and are just living a private life.

[1:20:11] And it was almost like, like, the idea that Batman, after saving Gotham from that neutron bomb,

[1:20:15] or whatever it is, was like, you know what?

[1:20:18] I've done enough crime fighting.

[1:20:20] I feel like I've filled the gap left by my dead parents.

[1:20:23] I'm good.

[1:20:24] I'm calling it quits now.

[1:20:26] Like, the idea that he...

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:26] I mean, I think it's possible for that character to reach that point in his life.

[1:20:29] I mean, for a normal...

[1:20:30] That's all I can hope for.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:31] For a normal person, I think he is totally fair, saying, like, I did my part.

[1:20:36] You guys do the rest.

[1:20:37] But it just seemed very funny to me that Batman, who's presented as this, like, this unending need for justice,

[1:20:42] that he was like, hmm, I think I did it.

[1:20:46] I mean...

[1:20:47] And I nailed it.

[1:20:47] I'm gonna go...

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:48] With various plot points aside, I'm assuming that's one of the reasons why diehard Batman fans don't like that movie.

[1:20:52] Yeah.

[1:20:53] I mean, wait, was Batman in a diehard movie?

[1:20:55] Uh, yeah.

[1:20:56] Yeah.

[1:20:58] You might know him as Hans Gruber.

[1:21:00] Wait, he's the bad guy?

[1:21:01] He is.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:01] It's crazy.

[1:21:02] Now I so want to see a diehard...

[1:21:04] Like, a John McClane Batman crossover.

[1:21:07] Ugh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:07] I don't feel like you would be satisfied with the results.

[1:21:10] No, probably not.

[1:21:11] I mean, I feel like that kind of an ending for Batman is better than Joel Schumacher's argument where he's like,

[1:21:18] it's been a long time.

[1:21:19] I think Batman would get over the death of his parents.

[1:21:21] Why is he, like, brooding about it all the time?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:23] I mean, except that, like, there is something, like, uh, I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine,

[1:21:28] who I won't mention by name, but his, whose father was murdered similarly when he was a kid.

[1:21:34] And he was like, yeah, I had to deal with it.

[1:21:37] I didn't dress up in a costume and go fight crime.

[1:21:39] And I was like, actually, you make, you make a good point.

[1:21:41] A lot of people have to deal with the death of their parents and they don't do it by dressing up like an animal and punching criminals in the face.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:46] But I mean, that's, that's like defining the character, though.

[1:21:48] That's like being like, hey, Batman, what you're doing is stupid.

[1:21:51] Like, okay, movie's done.

[1:21:54] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:55] Uh, as for Rushmore in particular, I may have told this story on the podcast before, but I remember...

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:00] You thought it was about Guts and Borglum sculpting Mount Rushmore.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:03] Well, that was, no, on the, on the DVD for, uh, Rushmore,

[1:22:08] where they have a Charlie Rose interview from the Charlie Rose show.

[1:22:11] And Charlie Rose is talking to Jason Schwartzman and, and Wes Anderson.

[1:22:16] And he keeps saying like, oh, you know, Max Fisher is this young man who wants to have his face on Rushmore.

[1:22:21] And like, they never go like, what?

[1:22:25] They never go like, what the hell are you talking about?

[1:22:27] But I think it's in Royal Tenenbaums.

[1:22:29] It's like, there's, in a later Wes Anderson movie, there's something that's clearly a parody of Charlie Rose.

[1:22:36] And I think that that's the result of like, Charlie Rose just like, not...

[1:22:39] Not understanding.

[1:22:40] ...watching the movie or whatever happened to make him do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:44] I don't, I don't know if, I don't, can't remember something where, like, was given the wrong ending and it threw me off.

[1:22:49] But I remember, I may have talked about this on the podcast for, what was that, what's that movie with Steve Guttenberg where it's all those Irish ghosts?

[1:22:55] High Spirits.

[1:22:56] High Spirits.

[1:22:56] With Peter O'Toole.

[1:22:57] With Peter O'Toole.

[1:22:57] I remember that coming out when I was a kid, when I was little.

[1:23:01] And a kid being like, oh yeah, I saw that movie, High Spirits.

[1:23:03] And I was like, what happens in it?

[1:23:04] And he told me the most horrifying tale of like, sexual violence.

[1:23:09] Of like, women being stabbed between the legs.

[1:23:12] He's like, yeah, yeah, this woman, it's a hundred years ago.

[1:23:14] And this guy like, stabs her in her private parts.

[1:23:18] And all this terrible, and he's like, goes on and on describing this horrifying story.

[1:23:22] And like, for years, I would see that in the video story and be like, oh, I can never watch that movie.

[1:23:25] Like, that's terrifying.

[1:23:26] And then getting to a point where I was old enough that I like, just like, hold on a second.

[1:23:31] How is that in any way what could have happened in this Steve Guttenberg movie?

[1:23:34] And just wondering, I don't remember who the kid was, but I remember so vividly the story he was telling me.

[1:23:38] And I just being like, whatever happened to that kid?

[1:23:40] What was living in that boy's brain?

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:42] Where has the skull traveled to?

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:45] Although, to be fair, since my son is nonstop talking about chopping my body into pieces and shoving things in my face.

[1:23:50] It might just be what little boys talk about.

[1:23:52] It's the most violent things they can think of.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:55] This next letter is from Henry Last Name.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:57] Johnny Rhine's made an entire comic book career out of that.

[1:24:00] Good point.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:01] Book of Henry?

[1:24:02] Yeah, Book of Henry writes,

[1:24:04] Dear Flippity Florps, what are your favorite edits for TV?

[1:24:07] I'm specifically thinking audio, but maybe there are some good, bad, confusing cuts out there, too.

[1:24:12] My favorite was a broadcast of The Big Lebowski when Walter is confronting Larry about the missing million bucks.

[1:24:17] Instead of, this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass, it says, this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

[1:24:24] Keep doing whatever it is you do between flop housing.

[1:24:26] A stranger, not in the Alps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:28] I think my favorite, I have two favorite edits.

[1:24:30] One is because when I was a kid, we watched Ferris Bueller all the time, and we have the TV version.

[1:24:35] So there's just a lot of just very obvious ones where it's like, I'm not saying Cameron is tight, but if you put a piece of coal in his fist, in a week you'd have a diamond when the line is up his ass.

[1:24:47] Yeah.

[1:24:47] Or he goes, pardon my French, but you, sir, are a moron.

[1:24:51] And just as a kid being like, it's not that bad.

[1:24:53] But I remember seeing a TV edit on WPIX of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and they didn't want to show someone masturbating on screen.

[1:25:00] So it looked like Phoebe Cates actually was trying to seduce Judge Reinhold's character.

[1:25:05] And then it came back, and it went to commercial.

[1:25:07] It came back to commercial, and I'm like, are none of the characters talking about how Phoebe Cates was just coming up to Judge Reinhold?

[1:25:12] Like, the idea that this is a fantasy of his was totally erased.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:16] How did they even edit that?

[1:25:18] I mean, like, that scene is so much about Phoebe Cates' breasts.

[1:25:21] Like, how?

[1:25:22] They, like, reframed the shot, kind of, so that it was all blown up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:25] Seems like a lot of work for that movie.

[1:25:27] Yeah.

[1:25:28] I mean, at that point, just don't put the movie on WPIX.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:31] I mean, I think my favorite one was just coming to America when he's yelling out of his balcony.

[1:25:36] When people are yelling, fuck you, they're all yelling, forget you.

[1:25:40] And he's like, forget you, too.

[1:25:42] Yeah.

[1:25:43] It's a moment of love.

[1:25:44] You know, it's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:45] It's weird.

[1:25:45] Coming to America.

[1:25:46] We had it taped off HBO, so I got all of that.

[1:25:48] That was when we were kids.

[1:25:50] These are the movies we watched.

[1:25:51] Teen Wolf.

[1:25:52] Coming to America.

[1:25:53] Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[1:25:55] The Dark Crystal.

[1:25:56] And Gremlins.

[1:25:57] I think when we...

[1:25:57] And Ghostbusters.

[1:25:58] It was the only movies we watched.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:59] I think when we first got, like, cable or a satellite dish or something, that was...

[1:26:04] When we first got Comedy Central, Coming to America was on Comedy Central.

[1:26:07] I see.

[1:26:08] I think...

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:08] So they probably cut out the part where he was taking a bath also.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:13] Yeah.

[1:26:14] I'm going to read one last, very quick letter from Mike, last name withheld.

[1:26:17] Mm-hmm.

[1:26:18] Mike and the Mechanics.

[1:26:19] Who just writes...

[1:26:20] I was going to say Mike and the Mad Dog.

[1:26:21] Vin Diesel and Eddie Deeson in...

[1:26:24] Deez Nuts.

[1:26:26] That's the only one he writes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:27] Yeah, I'll watch it.

[1:26:28] Sure.

[1:26:28] They're a couple of orderlies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:31] Now, I would love...

[1:26:32] So, in that one, I assume Eddie Deeson is Vin Diesel's dad in the movie.

[1:26:36] Or maybe, like...

[1:26:37] They're not the same age.

[1:26:39] Eddie Deeson's a little bit older than Vin Diesel.

[1:26:41] Okay.

[1:26:41] Seeing how Eddie Deeson's heyday was the 80s.

[1:26:44] Uh-huh.

[1:26:44] And Vin Diesel's heyday is right now.

[1:26:47] Yeah, yeah.

[1:26:48] Or maybe...

[1:26:49] What?

[1:26:49] Maybe they're like...

[1:26:50] Capable of playing high school to 35.

[1:26:52] Actually, here's...

[1:26:53] I would call it Deez Guys.

[1:26:55] Here's how I'd pitch this movie.

[1:26:56] Okay.

[1:26:56] Vin Diesel is a super spy.

[1:26:58] He's basically like a Xander...

[1:27:00] What's his last name?

[1:27:01] Xander Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:01] Xander Cage.

[1:27:02] Fast and Furious type guy.

[1:27:03] What's his Fast and Furious character?

[1:27:05] Uh...

[1:27:06] Rolo Tomasi or something?

[1:27:07] It's...

Dan McCoy

[1:27:08] B.B. Newerth?

[1:27:10] People are shouting into their iPods right now.

[1:27:11] Sweet, sweet Donnie Pickles.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:13] What is it?

Dan McCoy

[1:27:13] I had it, but then there's the deluge of fake names.

[1:27:16] Ricky Steamboat?

[1:27:17] I was driven it from my brain.

[1:27:19] At Corvus.

[1:27:19] Dominic Toretto.

[1:27:21] Oh, yeah.

[1:27:21] You're right.

[1:27:22] It is Dom Toretto.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:23] So, he's one of those types of characters.

[1:27:25] He doesn't have friends, guys.

[1:27:26] He's one of those types of characters.

[1:27:27] He's a super tough guy.

[1:27:30] And Eddie Deason is his uncle.

[1:27:33] And Eddie Deason's like...

[1:27:34] For whatever reason, he can't pay his bills.

[1:27:36] He's thrown out of his house or something like that.

[1:27:38] And he's got to go live with Vin Diesel.

[1:27:40] And he just won't...

[1:27:42] He wants to hang out with his nephew

[1:27:44] because they never really got to know each other.

[1:27:46] And so, Eddie Deason is trying to tag along with Vin Diesel

[1:27:49] as he goes on a big spy mission.

[1:27:51] Oh, okay.

[1:27:51] I like that.

[1:27:51] So, that's what I...

[1:27:52] And you probably wouldn't call it De...

[1:27:54] You probably wouldn't have De...

[1:27:55] You probably wouldn't have De...

[1:27:55] ...in the title because they wouldn't be playing themselves.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:57] And Vin Diesel's trying to like...

[1:27:59] He's trying to use his uncle's cover

[1:28:01] so they go to like Monaco or something.

[1:28:03] Yeah, yeah.

[1:28:04] And he...

[1:28:04] It's under the, you know, illusion

[1:28:06] that they're going on a vacation together,

[1:28:08] but it's actually, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:09] It's actually a spy thing,

[1:28:10] but Eddie Deason doesn't know.

[1:28:11] He can't...

[1:28:12] He has to keep it a secret that he's a spy.

[1:28:13] Yeah, that makes sense.

[1:28:14] And Eddie Deason keeps like stumbling through these spy things

[1:28:17] and being like,

[1:28:18] Oh, this is great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:19] You know, that kind of stuff.

[1:28:20] And maybe the bad guys think Eddie Deason's the spy

[1:28:23] a la Iflo should kill.

[1:28:25] Exactly.

[1:28:27] Yeah.

[1:28:27] That's the move.

[1:28:28] And I would call it like...

[1:28:29] Dee's nuts.

[1:28:30] I think we already talked about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:31] Yeah, Dee's nuts.

[1:28:32] Or like the spy's uncle or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:34] My nephew is a spy.

[1:28:36] Spy's uncle's like the John Leclerc version.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:44] So that was a great letter segment, guys.

[1:28:46] A plus.

[1:28:47] Okay.

[1:28:47] Thanks for the grade.

[1:28:48] I'll just put that on my wall.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:50] Yeah, on the fridge right now.

[1:28:53] Any comments?

[1:28:55] Just as great jorb?

[1:28:57] I could have remembered.

[1:28:58] Great jorb.

[1:29:00] Great jorb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:00] Even when he's writing, he can't say it right.

[1:29:03] That's weird.

[1:29:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:05] Not even an exclamation point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:08] I don't know what a jorb is,

[1:29:10] but I did it really well.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:12] But we got to do our last segment.

[1:29:14] We're going to the show,

[1:29:15] which is recommendations.

[1:29:16] Movies that we watched that you should watch

[1:29:19] probably instead of Sherlock Gnomes.

[1:29:22] I almost said Gnome and Juliet.

[1:29:23] It's hard to not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:24] It's hard, yeah.

[1:29:24] Especially since we haven't seen the first one,

[1:29:28] so I don't have a separate movie in my head.

[1:29:30] So they should have called this Gnome and Juliet 2,

[1:29:33] The Rise of Sherlock Gnomes,

[1:29:34] or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:35] I think that makes sense.

[1:29:36] Yeah.

[1:29:37] What do you think the third movie's going to be?

[1:29:38] I mean, Gnome Country for Old Men's possible.

[1:29:42] That's pretty good, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:44] I mean, I already said The Rise of Fall of the Gnome and Empire.

[1:29:47] That was my best one that I could come up with.

[1:29:49] That's pretty good.

[1:29:49] Yeah, yeah.

[1:29:51] Yeah.

[1:29:52] Gnome Chomsky's new book.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:54] Yeah, it's called Gnome Chomsky.

[1:29:56] Yeah.

[1:29:57] The theme song is a parody of Duran Duran's

[1:30:00] Is There Something I Should Gnome?

[1:30:03] Mm-hmm.

[1:30:03] Who Could It Be Gnome?

[1:30:04] Yep.

[1:30:05] Is the song.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:06] Who could it be?

[1:30:07] Gnomes.

[1:30:08] Do, do, do, do.

[1:30:09] Who could it be?

[1:30:10] I'm sorry I brought up songs, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[1:30:13] Immediately regret it.

[1:30:15] Yeah.

[1:30:15] So, Dan, are we going to recommend some movies?

[1:30:17] Sure, I'll recommend one.

[1:30:18] Yeah, I'm going to disappoint everyone.

[1:30:21] Even though I came to Seattle on a plane,

[1:30:24] the only movie I watched on the plane was all right.

[1:30:27] It was okay.

[1:30:28] Wow, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:28] You know, some would even say this is information

[1:30:30] that doesn't need to be related to the listeners.

[1:30:34] I think people were winning and bated breath.

[1:30:36] How was your snack on the plane, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:30:38] People hear that I've been on a plane,

[1:30:40] and they're curious to see if I watched a movie.

[1:30:42] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1:30:43] I did watch a movie.

[1:30:44] It was Battle of the Sexes, and it was all right.

[1:30:45] That's what I've heard about Battle of the Sexes.

[1:30:47] That's just okay.

[1:30:48] Yeah.

[1:30:49] So, instead, I'm going to go the other direction

[1:30:51] and not surprise anyone, do a really obvious pick,

[1:30:54] which is I saw Incredibles 2 on my birthday,

[1:30:57] and it was predictably very good.

[1:31:00] Now, were you like the New Yorkers' Anthony Lane,

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:02] totally turned on?

[1:31:03] I was totally boned out by Elastigirl.

[1:31:06] You couldn't hold on to your popcorn

Dan McCoy

[1:31:07] because you were so sexed up by what you were seeing?

[1:31:10] I stole someone else's popcorn

[1:31:11] because they didn't have any popcorn.

[1:31:12] I put it over my boner,

[1:31:13] and then my popcorn went flying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:15] Now, I wonder why you stole so much.

[1:31:17] Wait, it flew off your body?

[1:31:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:20] Well, there's just so much sproying at you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:22] Yeah, when his penis telescoped out, as it does,

[1:31:26] it's a boner.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:27] Did you say the popcorn flew off your body

[1:31:29] or the boner flew off your body?

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:31] It's right.

[1:31:31] He had such a powerful boner

[1:31:33] that it managed to fling itself off of his body

[1:31:35] with a tearing sound.

[1:31:38] Free glass!

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:38] Yeah, like a Greek myth.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:41] It's imbued with life.

[1:31:42] Yeah, much as if the discobolus came to life

[1:31:45] and finished throwing that discus,

[1:31:47] it would fly off into the horizon.

[1:31:49] That's what happened with Dan's erection.

[1:31:51] So Incredibles 2, bonerfying?

Dan McCoy

[1:31:53] Totally bonerfying.

[1:31:54] Okay.

[1:31:55] It was a good movie?

[1:31:56] Yeah, I think that it suffers a little

[1:31:58] from not having as straight ahead a story

[1:32:02] as the first movie.

[1:32:03] It has a little bit of sequel-itis

[1:32:06] of why exactly are we telling this story?

[1:32:08] Does it need to be told again?

[1:32:09] Are there two villains in it?

[1:32:11] I don't want to spoil anything.

[1:32:12] Okay, don't spoil it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:13] Because I know, I'm not a huge fan of the

[1:32:15] it's the next movie in the series,

[1:32:16] we've got to add one more villain

Dan McCoy

[1:32:17] to the total number of villains.

[1:32:19] I think the strongest thing about Incredibles 2, though,

[1:32:22] is...

[1:32:22] Is Mr. Incredible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:23] Because he has super strength.

[1:32:25] He's got a good point.

[1:32:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:27] All right, the second strongest thing

[1:32:28] is the action sequences.

[1:32:30] Because it's done in animation,

[1:32:32] it has the craziest,

[1:32:35] most kinetic clockwork action sequences

[1:32:37] and Brad Bird is very good

[1:32:38] at working that stuff out

[1:32:39] and it can do stuff that...

[1:32:43] In a normal superhero movie,

[1:32:45] I'm kind of sometimes feeling like,

[1:32:48] what's the physics of this thing?

[1:32:50] Even if they're superheroes,

[1:32:51] that wouldn't happen that way.

[1:32:52] It bothers me.

[1:32:53] And you're like,

[1:32:53] who's stronger, Aquaman or Cyborg?

[1:32:55] Uh-huh.

[1:32:56] But in an animated movie,

[1:32:58] because the physics are so elastic...

[1:33:00] Those are the two.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:01] You're like,

[1:33:01] I don't need to know

[1:33:02] about the super strongest guys.

[1:33:04] What about the guys at the middle level?

[1:33:06] Who's the strongest of them?

[1:33:07] Uh-huh.

[1:33:08] When you see, like,

[1:33:10] when Vulture ranks,

[1:33:11] like, all the Beatles songs ranked,

[1:33:12] I don't care about

[1:33:13] what they think the best song is.

[1:33:14] I think you can read about

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:14] Vulture the Super Mill.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:16] Yeah, he's got opinions

[1:33:17] on fucking Beatles songs.

[1:33:18] I guess he's older.

[1:33:19] When I go to Adrian Toome's blog,

[1:33:22] and he ranks all the episodes

[1:33:24] of the Rockford Files,

[1:33:26] I'm not interested

[1:33:26] in what's the top or the bottom.

[1:33:27] I can guess those.

[1:33:28] I want to know what's in the middle.

[1:33:31] Yeah.

[1:33:32] I know, look,

[1:33:33] you're going to rank

[1:33:33] all the Beatles songs.

[1:33:34] I know,

[1:33:35] you know my name,

[1:33:35] look up the number,

[1:33:36] is going to be number one.

[1:33:38] And I know that

[1:33:38] most of George Harrison's

[1:33:40] more experimental

[1:33:40] or John Lennon's experimental songs

[1:33:42] will be at the bottom.

[1:33:43] So look.

[1:33:45] And it's like if you ranked

[1:33:46] all the Beach Boys songs,

[1:33:47] you know Kokomo is dead last

[1:33:48] because it's the worst song

[1:33:49] in human history.

[1:33:51] This is,

[1:33:51] I had a moment recently,

[1:33:52] apparently my son,

[1:33:54] my wife had to text me about this,

[1:33:55] that there was a ice cream truck

[1:33:57] playing Kokomo,

[1:33:58] and my son turned to her and said,

[1:33:59] what's this song?

[1:33:59] This is a good song.

[1:34:01] Oh, dear.

[1:34:01] And it cut me to the quick.

[1:34:03] Yeah.

[1:34:05] Anyway,

[1:34:06] so you're saying

[1:34:06] Incredibles 2 has a little bit

[1:34:07] of sequelitis,

[1:34:08] but otherwise,

[1:34:09] the strongest thing

[1:34:10] is the action sequences

[1:34:11] because Brad Bird

[1:34:11] knows what he's doing.

[1:34:12] Yeah.

[1:34:13] I mean,

[1:34:13] that's pretty much

[1:34:14] all I have to say about it.

[1:34:15] And bonerfying,

[1:34:15] I think.

[1:34:15] And totally bonerfying.

[1:34:17] Super worth seeing,

[1:34:17] though.

[1:34:18] Super worth seeing

[1:34:19] because it's a superhero movie.

[1:34:22] I think you're right, Elliot.

[1:34:23] Give me another pun.

[1:34:24] Give me another superhero pun.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:27] It's superb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:31] I'll allow it.

[1:34:32] I mean,

[1:34:33] I mean,

[1:34:33] there are other words

[1:34:34] than super.

[1:34:35] You're going to call it

[1:34:36] high flying

[1:34:37] or something like that.

[1:34:37] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:38] I got you.

[1:34:38] I didn't know that was

[1:34:39] the whole of the world

[1:34:40] was my sandbox.

[1:34:41] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:43] Very much so.

[1:34:44] Okay.

[1:34:44] Elliot,

[1:34:45] what are you recommending?

[1:34:46] I'm going to go

[1:34:46] the opposite route

[1:34:47] and I'm going to do

[1:34:48] something a little different

[1:34:48] for me and recommend

[1:34:49] an old movie.

[1:34:50] Okay.

[1:34:50] So,

[1:34:51] I recently watched

[1:34:52] a movie called

[1:34:53] The Purchase Price

[1:34:54] from 1932.

[1:34:55] It's a Barbara Stanwyck movie

[1:34:57] from this period

[1:34:58] when,

[1:34:58] in the early 30s,

[1:34:59] when Barbara Stanwyck

[1:35:00] was making

[1:35:00] these kind of

[1:35:01] super short movies

[1:35:02] about women

[1:35:04] forced to kind of

[1:35:05] find their own way

[1:35:06] in the world.

[1:35:07] And this movie,

[1:35:08] she's a,

[1:35:09] like,

[1:35:09] she's a singer

[1:35:10] in a club

[1:35:11] who's dating a mobster

[1:35:12] but is engaged

[1:35:13] to a rich heir

[1:35:15] to a rich family.

[1:35:16] When the heir

[1:35:16] finds out

[1:35:17] she's been dating

[1:35:17] this mob,

[1:35:18] she breaks up

[1:35:18] with the mobster.

[1:35:19] The heir finds out

[1:35:20] she's been dating

[1:35:20] a mobster

[1:35:21] and dumps her.

[1:35:22] And the mobster

[1:35:22] wants to get back

[1:35:23] together with her.

[1:35:23] So she wants

[1:35:24] to escape.

[1:35:25] And she runs off

[1:35:26] and through

[1:35:26] a series of events

[1:35:27] becomes the mail order

[1:35:28] bride of a wheat farmer

[1:35:30] out in the country

[1:35:31] and has to deal

[1:35:32] with suddenly being

[1:35:34] in this strange position

[1:35:35] where she is married

[1:35:36] to a man

[1:35:36] that she doesn't

[1:35:37] really know

[1:35:38] and also the man

[1:35:39] starts to doubt.

[1:35:41] He suspects her

[1:35:42] when she doesn't

[1:35:43] give herself to him

[1:35:43] on the first night.

[1:35:45] And so she has to figure out

[1:35:46] how does she win

[1:35:47] his trust back

[1:35:48] and also does she

[1:35:49] want to be there?

[1:35:50] And eventually

[1:35:50] it all hinges on

[1:35:53] whether his new

[1:35:53] wheat strain

[1:35:55] that he's been breeding,

[1:35:56] whether they can

[1:35:56] successfully cultivate

[1:35:57] enough to save

[1:35:58] the farm from the bank.

[1:35:59] Interesting.

[1:36:00] And this movie

[1:36:01] is 70 minutes long

[1:36:02] and it has so much

[1:36:03] random plot in it

[1:36:05] and Barbara Stanwyck

[1:36:06] is great in it

[1:36:07] and it's directed

[1:36:07] by William Wellman

[1:36:08] so there are sequences

[1:36:09] that look fantastic.

[1:36:11] There's just like

[1:36:12] a lot of interesting

[1:36:13] shots in it

[1:36:13] but it feels like

[1:36:14] I'm a big fan

[1:36:15] of Guy Madden

[1:36:16] and it feels like

[1:36:17] the kinds of movies

[1:36:17] Guy Madden

[1:36:18] is drawing on a lot

[1:36:19] where the plot

[1:36:20] does not follow

[1:36:21] a straight line.

[1:36:21] It is all over the place

[1:36:22] and it is more like

[1:36:24] it's almost more like

[1:36:25] a sequence of

[1:36:27] scenes or moments

[1:36:29] that are only

[1:36:30] tenuously connected

[1:36:31] in some ways

[1:36:31] and the ending

[1:36:32] is so abrupt

[1:36:33] and the emotions

[1:36:34] in it are so strange.

[1:36:35] The man she becomes

[1:36:36] married to

[1:36:36] is such a jerk

[1:36:37] and she becomes

[1:36:39] so devoted to him

[1:36:39] and that's the one

[1:36:40] thing I found

[1:36:41] really problematic

[1:36:41] about it

[1:36:42] is that she falls

[1:36:43] in love with this guy

[1:36:43] who's just a total

[1:36:44] asshole to her

[1:36:45] but it's

[1:36:46] the 30s

[1:36:48] is my favorite time

[1:36:49] in Hollywood.

[1:36:49] that's kind of

[1:36:50] Empire Strikes Back

[1:36:51] too.

[1:36:52] Yeah.

[1:36:52] I mean most movies.

[1:36:53] Yeah.

[1:36:53] The 30s is my favorite

[1:36:55] time in Hollywood history

[1:36:56] partly because they were

[1:36:56] making these movies.

[1:36:58] They were churning

[1:36:58] them out so fast

[1:36:59] that like there's

[1:37:00] this weird dream logic

[1:37:01] to a lot of them

[1:37:02] and I don't want to

[1:37:03] overstate how weird

[1:37:04] this movie is

[1:37:05] but you watch it

[1:37:06] and you get kind of

[1:37:07] whiplash a few times

[1:37:08] of like what is going

[1:37:09] on in this movie

[1:37:10] and I was like

[1:37:10] the mobster is still

[1:37:11] looking for her

[1:37:13] and it's like

[1:37:13] if this movie

[1:37:14] was made now

[1:37:15] she would go to the farm

[1:37:16] this mobster

[1:37:17] would catch up with her

[1:37:18] and the husband

[1:37:20] would have to fight

[1:37:21] the mobster

[1:37:22] to save her

[1:37:22] and like prove himself

[1:37:24] that way

[1:37:24] and the mobster

[1:37:24] would be a real threat

[1:37:25] and instead

[1:37:26] events just kind of

[1:37:27] like happen.

[1:37:28] Anyway I don't

[1:37:28] it's a

[1:37:29] anyway I enjoyed it a lot

[1:37:30] but it's a movie

[1:37:30] that you can't watch

[1:37:31] through the eyes

[1:37:32] of a modern day

[1:37:33] movie viewer

[1:37:33] or if you do

[1:37:34] you want to watch it

[1:37:35] through the eyes

[1:37:36] of someone who's ready

[1:37:36] for just kind of

[1:37:38] things to happen

[1:37:39] and to dissipate

[1:37:40] as they do

[1:37:41] you know

[1:37:41] like as they will

[1:37:42] in the movie.

[1:37:43] So it's called

[1:37:43] The Purchase Price.

[1:37:44] I enjoy it a lot

[1:37:44] but if you don't

[1:37:45] like old movies

[1:37:46] oh boy

[1:37:47] just go watch

[1:37:48] No Meat and Sherlock

[1:37:49] No.

[1:37:49] Keep walking.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:50] Keep walking.

[1:37:50] It's in black

[1:37:51] and or white.

[1:37:52] So I got two

[1:37:52] quick recommendations.

[1:37:53] The first is

[1:37:54] a movie called

[1:37:55] Assassination Games

[1:37:57] game?

[1:37:58] I can't remember

[1:37:58] which one.

[1:37:59] It's a

[1:38:00] action

[1:38:02] a cheapy action movie

[1:38:03] starring my man

[1:38:04] Scott Adkins

[1:38:05] and Jean-Claude Van Damme

[1:38:07] so like

[1:38:08] the modern

[1:38:09] Jean-Claude Van Damme

[1:38:10] and the old

[1:38:11] Jean-Claude Van Damme.

[1:38:12] This is from

[1:38:13] I think 2011

[1:38:14] and Scott Adkins

[1:38:16] has cranked out

[1:38:17] a lot of these

[1:38:18] action movies.

[1:38:18] Some of them

[1:38:19] are really great

[1:38:20] like Ninja 2

[1:38:22] Shadow of a Tear

[1:38:23] and I think

[1:38:24] Close Range

[1:38:25] was the other one

[1:38:25] I really liked.

[1:38:26] This is a little

[1:38:27] older.

[1:38:27] The action scenes

[1:38:28] aren't quite as good.

[1:38:29] However,

[1:38:30] it's worth watching

[1:38:32] if only for the

[1:38:33] completely unbelievable

[1:38:34] villains

[1:38:35] that are in the movie

[1:38:37] like the Interpol agents

[1:38:38] totally aren't

[1:38:39] believable as

[1:38:40] Interpol agents

[1:38:40] and the mobsters

[1:38:42] are not scary at all.

[1:38:44] There's a weird amount

[1:38:45] of violence

[1:38:46] toward women

[1:38:47] so don't watch

[1:38:48] if that

[1:38:49] I mean

[1:38:49] that's pretty weird.

[1:38:50] If you don't love

[1:38:51] violence towards women.

[1:38:53] I mean that's a

[1:38:53] weird qualification

[1:38:54] I suppose.

[1:38:55] However,

[1:38:56] what's great about it

[1:38:56] is Jean-Claude Van Damme's

[1:38:58] performance in this movie

[1:38:59] is hilarious

[1:39:00] and there is a

[1:39:01] sensual turtle

[1:39:02] stroking scene

[1:39:03] so watch it for that.

[1:39:05] The movie that

[1:39:06] is not a qualified

[1:39:07] recommendation

[1:39:08] that I'm going to

[1:39:08] recommend quickly

[1:39:09] because I don't want

[1:39:10] to go too deep

[1:39:11] into spoilers or anything

[1:39:11] is Hereditary

[1:39:13] new horror movie

[1:39:15] that may or may not

[1:39:16] still be in theaters.

[1:39:17] Tony Collette's in it.

[1:39:19] It's great.

[1:39:20] It's filled with dread.

[1:39:22] I want to see that.

[1:39:22] It reminds me a lot

[1:39:23] of

[1:39:24] it feels like a movie

[1:39:26] that was heavily inspired

[1:39:27] not necessarily plot wise

[1:39:29] but just the way

[1:39:30] that like

[1:39:30] it's shot

[1:39:31] and the way that people

[1:39:31] deal with stuff

[1:39:32] by

[1:39:33] it reminds me a lot

[1:39:35] of Japanese horror films

[1:39:36] and

[1:39:38] it's

[1:39:39] it

[1:39:40] there

[1:39:40] and there's moments

[1:39:41] in it that are

[1:39:42] just are

[1:39:43] so

[1:39:43] like

[1:39:44] kind of stark

[1:39:45] and shocking

[1:39:46] and beautiful

[1:39:47] like

[1:39:47] it's a

[1:39:48] it's a very

[1:39:49] interesting looking movie

[1:39:51] so yeah

[1:39:53] go be stressed out

[1:39:55] all right

[1:39:57] well

[1:39:58] it's been

Elliott Kalan

[1:39:59] one week

[1:40:00] since you looked at me

[1:40:01] yeah

[1:40:04] do you guys ever realize

[1:40:05] that

[1:40:06] Barenaked Ladies

[1:40:06] is basically

[1:40:07] children's music

[1:40:08] sure

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:11] like the way

[1:40:12] yeah

[1:40:13] or

[1:40:13] or college students

[1:40:14] with the taste of children

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:15] yeah I guess that's it

[1:40:16] I was thinking about

[1:40:17] I was hearing someone

[1:40:18] in a car recently

[1:40:19] and I was like

[1:40:19] if I went to a Barenaked Ladies

[1:40:21] concert it would feel like

[1:40:22] I was going to a

[1:40:23] Wiggles concert

Dan McCoy

[1:40:24] I don't know a lot of

[1:40:26] but I do know the song

[1:40:27] Old Apartment

[1:40:28] Dan

[1:40:28] you get around

[1:40:29] you know plenty of

[1:40:30] yeah because that show

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:31] was playing at Earlham

[1:40:32] all the time

[1:40:33] you know the song

[1:40:34] Old Apartment

Dan McCoy

[1:40:34] no I don't think

[1:40:35] I know that one

[1:40:35] that has like a lot of

[1:40:37] like wistful adult feelings

[1:40:38] that I think don't

[1:40:39] that like a kid

[1:40:41] would not understand

[1:40:42] I mean it's about

[1:40:43] like

[1:40:43] it's like the lyrics

[1:40:45] are broken to our

[1:40:45] old apartment

[1:40:46] and it's like

[1:40:47] this is where we used

[1:40:48] to live

[1:40:48] and it's about how

[1:40:49] like

[1:40:50] it's a classic

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:51] this used to be my

[1:40:51] playground type song

[1:40:52] yeah

Dan McCoy

[1:40:53] yeah

[1:40:53] and like

[1:40:54] how the new owners

[1:40:54] have changed

[1:40:55] everything around

[1:40:56] and like

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:56] oh that's a little

[1:40:57] different

[1:40:57] okay

Dan McCoy

[1:40:57] yeah

[1:40:58] that's fair

Stuart Wellington

[1:40:59] well and yeah

[1:40:59] and like

[1:41:00] and the difficulty

[1:41:01] of getting older

[1:41:02] it's like

[1:41:02] Johnny's Back

[1:41:03] by the band Riot

[1:41:04] which is all about

[1:41:06] like you know

[1:41:07] not letting change

[1:41:08] and just trying to

[1:41:09] get back to the old

[1:41:10] swing of things

[1:41:10] even though it

[1:41:11] isn't quite the same

[1:41:11] anymore

[1:41:12] that's kind of

[1:41:12] how I always feel

[1:41:13] about the boys

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:13] are back in town

[1:41:14] it sounds like

[1:41:14] a really sad song

[1:41:15] to me

[1:41:16] because I think

[1:41:17] it's supposed to be

[1:41:17] like yeah

[1:41:18] the boys are back

[1:41:19] we're having fun

[1:41:19] but it always feels

[1:41:20] like hey

[1:41:21] the boys are back

[1:41:22] well okay

[1:41:23] we're not boys anymore

[1:41:24] so like

[1:41:25] go do your stuff

[1:41:25] I've got things to do

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:26] you must be listening

[1:41:27] to the Bruce Springsteen

[1:41:28] version

[1:41:28] so this is a weird way

Dan McCoy

[1:41:32] of ending the show

[1:41:33] like sad

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:34] I mean like

[1:41:35] and dragging

[1:41:36] the bare naked ladies

Dan McCoy

[1:41:37] sad and like

[1:41:38] unrelated to anything

[1:41:39] else we've talked about

[1:41:40] hey look

[1:41:40] you're the one

[1:41:41] who said

[1:41:41] one week

[1:41:42] I guess so

[1:41:43] no no

[1:41:44] you said

[1:41:44] it's been

[1:41:44] you said

[1:41:45] it's been

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:45] so I guess

[1:41:47] it's on me

[1:41:47] yeah Dan

[1:41:48] never say anything

[1:41:49] that can be

[1:41:50] misconstrued

[1:41:50] as the lyrics

[1:41:51] to a song

[1:41:52] yeah

[1:41:52] so hey

[1:41:52] you said

[1:41:53] it's been

[1:41:53] and I interrupted

[1:41:54] you

[1:41:54] what were you

[1:41:54] going to say

Dan McCoy

[1:41:54] it's been

[1:41:55] 260 some episodes

[1:41:57] and I still

[1:41:58] don't really know

[1:41:58] how to end

[1:41:59] this podcast

[1:41:59] so

[1:42:00] well usually

[1:42:01] we just do it

[1:42:01] by talking about

[1:42:02] bare naked ladies

[1:42:02] for a little bit

Stuart Wellington

[1:42:03] the more things

[1:42:04] change the more

[1:42:04] they stay the same

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:05] goes around

[1:42:07] gnomes around

[1:42:08] all right

[1:42:08] on that note

[1:42:09] oh wait

[1:42:09] what gnomes around

Dan McCoy

[1:42:13] for the flop house

[1:42:17] I've been Dan McCoy

[1:42:18] yeah you are

[1:42:19] I'm Stuart Wellington

[1:42:20] and this is Elliot

[1:42:21] Kaelin

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:21] not Elliot McCoy

[1:42:22] that was just a

[1:42:22] goof earlier

[1:42:23] my last name's

[1:42:24] Kaelin

[1:42:25] see ya guys

[1:42:26] peace

[1:42:27] can we try one more

[1:42:32] that's

[1:42:32] let's try one more

[1:42:35] wait

[1:42:36] I still don't think

[1:42:37] I have anything

[1:42:38] but

Dan McCoy

[1:42:38] on this episode

[1:42:40] we discuss

[1:42:40] Sherlock gnomes

[1:42:42] Dan

[1:42:43] you misspoke

[1:42:43] I think you mean

[1:42:44] Sherlock Holmes

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:45] oh no wait

[1:42:46] I get it

[1:42:47] cause they're gnomes

[1:42:48] can't top me

Dan McCoy

[1:42:51] no I kinda like to do

[1:42:52] it's what

[1:42:53] all right

[1:42:55] and three

[1:42:56] two

[1:42:57] oh wait

[1:42:57] wait let's try one more

[1:42:58] I got one more

[1:43:03] the movie that dares

[1:43:05] to answer the question

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:06] hey

[1:43:06] what if Sherlock Holmes

[1:43:08] was a gnome

[1:43:09] all right

[1:43:10] we did it

Dan McCoy

[1:43:12] and three

[1:43:13] wait wait okay

[1:43:14] another couple

[1:43:15] no

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:15] wait let's do one more

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:23] spoiler alert

[1:43:24] Holmes

[1:43:25] and gnomes

[1:43:26] rhyme

[1:43:26] the movie

[1:43:28] maximumfun.org

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:31] comedy and culture

[1:43:32] artist owned

S4

[1:43:33] listener supported

Ep. #262 - Sherlock Gnomes

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