Ep. #263 - Samson

[0:00] on this episode we discuss samson this isn't your daddy's superhero it's your great great

[0:06] great great great great great great great great great great great great great granddaddies

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] Oh, I'm Stuart Willington.

[0:43] I'm Elliot Kalin, picking up his cues. And who's this joining us?

[0:48] Hey, it's me, Jordan Morris. A guy who knows to speak when introduced.

[0:52] Yeah, Stuart got a text exactly when he was supposed to be talking.

[0:58] I'll clue you guys in on what's going on in here.

[1:01] The text was from me and it said, Stuart, now your turn.

[1:03] Guys, Stu Balls has his fingers in a lot of pies.

[1:08] When did you start calling yourself Stu Balls?

[1:12] I'm trying it out, Jordan.

[1:14] It's cool, right?

[1:15] I don't know, man.

[1:16] I don't think this is the time to edit me.

[1:21] I think we can talk about this later.

[1:23] No, you're right.

[1:24] Let me work out the kinks.

[1:25] sky podcasting. No bad

[1:27] ideas. Call yourself

[1:29] balls. No bad nicknames.

[1:31] You know what? Hey, for this episode

[1:34] I'm Georgina.

[1:34] Okay, so our cool friend Georgina

[1:37] showed up.

[1:38] You know, he showed up because he wanted to

[1:43] take us to fucking Bible school, apparently,

[1:45] right? Yeah, that's true.

[1:47] As always, when we have

[1:49] a guest on the show, we gave them first

[1:51] choice of movies.

[1:54] And to be fair, he gave us a few movies.

[1:56] And Dan's like, no.

[1:57] We could watch.

[1:58] No.

[1:58] I don't know what possessed me to choose Samson.

[2:02] You were very adamant about it.

[2:04] I was like, all those seem fine to me.

[2:06] You said, we'll do Samson.

[2:07] I mean, someone's got to make a fucking choice around here, Elliot.

[2:11] Wow.

[2:12] I didn't get any input from you guys.

[2:14] Ooh, somebody's airing some dirty laundry.

[2:17] Well, anyway, should we explain, one, what this podcast is,

[2:22] why we're talking about a movie.

[2:23] And two, why Jordan's joining us.

[2:26] Other than that, he's just a great guy and we like having him around.

[2:28] For sure.

[2:28] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:34] That's the first part of that.

[2:35] And for the second part, maybe Jordan can enlighten us

[2:39] as to why he just happened to drop by a neighbor in a sitcom.

[2:42] I am here, in addition to laughing with some of my favorite fellas,

[2:49] I'm here promoting a new podcast I'm doing on MaximumFun.org

[2:52] called bubble it's a scripted sci-fi comedy thing that you may be sick of hearing about if you

[2:58] listen to a lot of max fun shows i've certainly heard no promotion for this on other max fun shows

[3:04] i haven't been seeing any on the max fun twitter feed or your twitter feed or jesse thorn's twitter

[3:10] feed or i think the official potus twitter feed might have said something about bubble

[3:16] yeah clorox is tweeting about it for some reason it's all the bubbles are tweeting about it yeah

[3:21] yeah uh clorox is bleach i think anyway who knows look you can have a bleach bubble online the only

[3:26] clorox i know is clorox leachman so i thought it should be clorox bleachman in the mad magazine

[3:32] parody of i guess her career i guess i don't know uh so yes it was a big kind of the you know it's

[3:40] a big swing artistically to do a scripted podcast generation defining hit the hamilton of its time

[3:45] absolutely yes that yeah a lot of people say that hamilton is the hamilton of its time i say no

[3:50] because we're in relatively the same time uh i mean geologically sure sure yes uh same epoch

[3:56] anyways uh no so it was a big shock sure yeah anyway oh wow elliot's got his finger on the pulse

[4:04] so jordan sorry uh so yeah it was kind of a big uh you know big endeavor for max fun so i think

[4:09] they wanted to really get the word out and i you know uh hopefully it's out there uh yeah it's a

[4:14] it's a scripted comedy it's kind of like a little season of tv for your ears uh a radio show it was

[4:19] also known as yeah upon a time kids don't know what radio is elliot and you need to i think you

[4:24] need to promote a new podcast unless you're like i don't know like trying to track down a wayward

[4:29] celebrity or i don't know doing a show about true murders like you gotta you really gotta put some

[4:35] effort in to grab people's ears yeah how the how the hell did those get so popular so quickly i

[4:40] don't understand how like really popular podcasts get either one of those what like true crime

[4:46] podcast yeah people are fucking creaming jeans over that over that stuff man unsolved mysteries

[4:51] was like the biggest show ever guys we had a one of us has to murder one of the other ones

[4:56] it's gonna happen the way i mean the way we'll simply be giving we're gonna give one of those

[5:01] shows such good fodder yeah uh when my grandmother was nearing the end of her life there was one kind

[5:06] of tv show she said she liked watching that was quote murder shows so people love murder they

[5:12] just love it yeah yeah i mean so bubble is a murder show uh sure if that'll get people to

[5:20] give it a shot crime story yes about richard simmons and and the reporter that tries to solve

[5:27] his murder but gets in a little bit too close and it blurs the line between yeah mark baron is

[5:32] involved also karen kill gareth and uh the rock let's just say uh yeah and let's just say uh maybe

[5:39] adam ruins everything yeah sure i guess here we can bring in some adam fans as well and everyone

[5:46] eats a snickers i don't know uh you guys like snickers yeah a lot of totino's stuff in there

[5:51] too things people like um if you're hungry why wait so bubble it's available for max fun now

[5:57] yes i recommend it thank you thank you yeah it's a it's a little vampire slayer a little portlandia

[6:02] um yeah it's uh i know you were about to say a little porkies and i'm like

[6:08] awesome there's a lot of there's a lot of uh dicks through holes in shower walls

[6:14] they just look through those shower name another thing at the end of it the dick goes through and

[6:21] the uh big uh the the the female coach comes in and grabs it and gives it a like a hard yank oh

[6:29] like a real castle freak okay yeah is this the new ding dong rip gates of the flop house i guess

[6:34] you know what the problem is i think i've only ever seen the tv edit of porky's uh sure weird

[6:39] what's which is it's just about like like a roadhouse why would you watch the tv edit of

[6:45] porky's why would i go out of my way to track down porky's rather than just watching it when

[6:50] i'm literally on comedy central or something the only reason that porky's exists has been

[6:55] excised from that film.

[6:57] Yeah, well,

[6:59] then why am I watching USA Up all night, Dan?

[7:01] Yeah, it's pretty loosely defined as a comedy.

[7:04] And Gilbert Gottfried

[7:06] sometimes.

[7:06] So, I'm really glad that Jordan's doing

[7:09] a new show, both because it's great and because

[7:11] it gives us an excuse to have Georgina

[7:13] on our show.

[7:14] So, let's just fucking grip it and rip it, right

[7:17] boys?

[7:18] Like that lady did with that dick, I guess.

[7:21] So, we watch a bad movie, then we

[7:23] talk about it right and so this movie as you already know is samson the hit blockbuster

[7:29] everyone speaking of people getting tired of the bubble advertising sure yeah i'm sure people are

[7:33] getting so frustrated with all the marketing for samson another samson fan cast uh should we talk

[7:40] guys i i i believe that i read that this was released opposite black panther

[7:44] which is the most misguided counter-programming ever in the world

[7:51] that well they figured they'd release a different superhero story about a reluctant leader of a

[7:57] people who is i guess that's where the parallel really is sure uh so uh samson gets his power

[8:05] from a magical purple fruit or flower uh no from his devotion to god but very close uh dan now your

[8:14] family is steeped in theology so we may have to rely on you a little bit in telling us what stuff

[8:19] is from the real samson story by the real samson story i mean the made-up samson story in the bible

[8:24] and what stuff is created by the magic of hollywood or when i say hollywood i mean

[8:28] cape town south africa where this movie was made this is a an old testament uh tale and one you

[8:36] know one who was raised in the uh the christian faith as i was you know like we we we pay attention

[8:44] to the old testament but we're kind of like that's not the good one like what's the good one

[8:50] the new testament okay that makes sense uh so i mean i will say even growing up jewish samson is

[8:57] not particularly talked about that much and yeah one of the things i like about the samson story

[9:02] is that it is crazy and doesn't fit with anything else in the in the torah or bible and there's a

[9:09] there's a great book called how to read the bible it's all about what you would call dan the old

[9:14] testament i would just call the bible because i don't sure believe in the new testament and uh

[9:18] it's and he talks about the samson story and he's like yeah this is pretty clearly like some kind of

[9:22] myth from another culture that somehow got like got yeah fell into the bible and the thinking is

[9:27] that this is basically the hercules story uh in a different form yeah but yeah there's a part in

[9:35] samson where he kills a lion and i'm like isn't he gonna wear this thing at some point and i'm like

[9:39] oh yes hercules isn't he gonna go from zero to hero i'm sorry that's hercules

[9:44] you were watching you're like these are not legendary journeys

[9:48] that's all the hercules stuff i know guys i think that's all of it okay so let's talk about what

[9:55] happens now okay this movie starts out the way so many flophouse movie has movies have with a

[10:01] voiceover explaining about a prophecy that the israelites have been enslaved by the philistines

[10:06] there's a prophecy of a hero named samson who will free them here's the thing is the prophecy

[10:12] really that specific because what's stopping anyone from just naming their kid samson like

[10:18] if it's that well-known a prophecy then well yes dan i feel like parents don't want to put

[10:24] that kind of pressure on their kids yeah it's like naming your kid batman exactly yeah yeah

[10:30] it's like like you would go to school and there's one kid who shows up and is named batman you're

[10:35] like you can't just do that dc is gonna sue you and by dc i mean time warner

[10:41] uh that's a good point that seems oddly specific batman like well i guess we have to be killed in

[10:49] front of him honey if he's ever gonna fight a fat man who holds an umbrella that we've got to do

[10:55] this put all these pearls if that'll if that'll get him into a good preschool i guess we will

[11:00] oh i see your son is batman looking at his college application okay parents were dead uh

[11:08] practice to be a ninja fights crime world's greatest detective what about your other

[11:13] extracurriculars do you have a sport well i'm at an olympic level of of fighting okay interesting

[11:20] uh this young hal jordan is really tearing up the debate club so

[11:25] probably because his magic ring helps him with that somehow no just because his debate skills

[11:31] oh okay uh so guys as so so what you're saying is samson's parents are the ones who are like

[11:38] yeah i'm pretty sure my son's the one the prophecy is talking about we're in 1170 bc in gaza and a

[11:45] priest of the dagon people who are the i don't know if the philistine hell yeah yeah i don't

[11:50] know if the philistines really worship dagon but it makes me think of like the hp lovecraft dagon

[11:55] who's some kind of fish god he's like a fish god and he gives you gold if you worship him and shit

[12:02] now i research i researched the story of samson a little bit just to compare how it looked uh to

[12:08] the movie and yes the philistines did worship a god called dagon cool not not as not as far as i

[12:15] know the the herald of cthulhu yeah he didn't give everyone in the philistine philistine people the

[12:21] innsmouth look yeah there was very few tentacles in this movie although it seems like although

[12:27] those fake beards could have been hiding them oh boy we'll get to those now again this is the past

[12:32] so everyone has an english accent and this oh god kind of the like to have an english accent in this

[12:40] is so audacious

[12:41] but to do these

[12:42] awful ones

[12:43] just talk normal

[12:44] you're already

[12:45] fucking it up

[12:46] no no no

[12:46] because in the past

[12:47] everyone was English

[12:48] oh that's right

[12:48] yes

[12:49] but a weird

[12:50] high school play

[12:51] kind of

[12:51] oh yeah

[12:52] yeah they all

[12:53] speak English

[12:54] and when they

[12:54] you know

[12:55] that kind of thing

[12:56] and when they

[12:56] hang out at a feast

[12:57] when they hang out

[12:59] at a feast

[13:00] they're all listening

[13:00] to green sleeves

[13:01] the whole time

[13:02] constantly

[13:03] that's all there is

[13:05] yep lots of

[13:05] like flowers

[13:06] that was the big

[13:07] hit in Gaza

[13:08] there was a time

[13:09] when that was

[13:10] a new song it was a big hit yeah like when green sleeves people were like hey hey uh hey william

[13:17] it's your cousin your cousin barry shakespeare you know that new sound you've been looking for

[13:23] listen to this there was some and he holds up i guess like what a horn of some kind to the

[13:28] musicians playing green sleeves that's that's right there's a shell and then there's like

[13:34] a string attached to it going to another seashell on the other side of the room william shakespeare's

[13:39] like yeah i can hear you i'm over here yeah it's some kind of like pterodactyl that they squeeze

[13:45] who says it's a living yeah it's a living of course and then it kills him which is not it's

[13:50] not a living so anyway this this priest of dagon's really bad mouthing the hebrews his sermon seems

[13:55] to be he dagon rules hebrews drools and uh this is the point where i had to put the captions on

[14:02] because i'm like is this motherfucker saying dagon yeah uh meanwhile it promises a much cooler movie

[14:09] doesn't it since it's it sounds like a monster yeah he's gonna come and yeah and like i mean

[14:15] you know i think what this movie is doing is it is saying to a christian audience hey we know

[14:21] superhero movies are in but we've got the original superhero and by we we mean jews yes jews because

[14:27] jesus not much of a superhero not a knock on jesus no sure but not a fighter he didn't yeah he didn't

[14:34] One-shot dudes.

[14:35] I mean, I would say, actually, you know what?

[14:37] I would say...

[14:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[14:38] He's in Clickin' Heads.

[14:39] I would say Clickin' Heads, very lightly tapping them together.

[14:43] He is unparalleled when it comes to turning over money changers, Taylor.

[14:47] That's fair.

[14:48] Good point.

[14:49] I would say that superheroes are not really known for dying at the end of their stories,

[14:54] but Zack Snyder proved me wrong with that one.

[14:56] Sure, yeah.

[14:56] He did a great job with that.

[14:57] But it seems like if you're going to do that, if you're going to do...

[15:03] this is the this is the christian superhero movie you've all been asking for cgi dagon at the end

[15:09] because here's the cgi dagon the queen of the movie is that the jewish god and therefore by

[15:14] by virtue of that the christian god and it goes unsaid but the muslim god too that that is the

[15:20] real god and there's this point we'll get to later where dagon is explicitly called out where king

[15:24] billy zane is like because billy zane's in this yeah king billy zane is like dagon's not real

[15:28] there's no gods i'm the king and i just made it all up it's a tool and so the purpose of the movie

[15:33] is to say this god is real dagon was false but you really want to see dagon come as like a big

[15:39] tentacle monster that samson has to fight but that would defeat the purpose of the movie because the

[15:44] minute you see you know shuma gorath or dagon come in like if his tentacles wrapped around samson

[15:50] you're like oh i guess he's a real thing i was real all along motherfuckers i also love that

[15:56] like in 2018 like the the bravery of the message of the movie being like dagon's not real guys

[16:02] here's my hot take on dagon yeah there's all these dagon people out there in the world

[16:07] and and they don't even bring up the fact that dagon is an anagram for for gonad which would

[16:12] only hurt him more in my mind because if you're an all-powerful god why did you pick that silly name

[16:17] so anyway uh while while this priest is just bad mouthing the hebrews talking about how how

[16:22] how bitchin' Dagon is,

[16:24] two brothers are going to steal some corn

[16:26] from Dagon's temple

[16:27] because the Dagonites, the Philistines,

[16:29] have been stealing all the Hebrews' crops.

[16:31] These brothers, who,

[16:32] well, the whole time they're trading riddles about crops

[16:34] like a couple of Algonquin roundtable Ocean's Eleven's,

[16:37] it's Samson and Caleb, his brother.

[16:40] Samson, already famous,

[16:42] already well-known as a strong Hebrew.

[16:44] Caleb, he's just kind of the sidekick.

[16:47] He's like the Steve Zahn of the movie.

[16:50] The actor has a Zahn-esque quality to him.

[16:53] Does he have long blonde hair?

[16:54] Yeah, he's got kind of a doofy charm as well.

[16:57] I mean, not that anyone in this movie has charm.

[17:00] By the way, I'd like to point out that Korn was domesticated first in Mexico.

[17:06] I'm looking it up right now.

[17:09] The fact that it was unknown in the old world until people came over from the West

[17:16] and that it's wheat that they probably would have been...

[17:18] Actually, you know what? Maybe they did have Korn.

[17:20] I don't know, now that I think about it.

[17:22] No, corn was one of these words that was used to just refer to various types of grains.

[17:30] And they haven't put out a record in years.

[17:32] Doesn't he see corn in the dream?

[17:34] He sees a fat calf and a skinny calf.

[17:38] This is an interpretation thing.

[17:41] This is bad theology, is what this is.

[17:44] I see.

[17:44] So much the same way that...

[17:46] when joseph had his dream in the new 52 they right caught it that uh there's in a in the long list of

[17:53] things that are kosher and that are not kosher there's one kind of animal that is not kosher

[17:58] and when they were translating it into english they're like we don't know what this thing is

[18:02] it's just call it a rabbit we'll just say rabbits uh i wish i remembered the name of that animal

[18:08] anyway we've gotten a minute into this movie so let's say so samson and caleb they're stealing

[18:13] this corn that may not be historically accurate otherwise the movie is very historically accurate

[18:18] all the time uh i mean it's about a super strong hero so we know it's accurate but uh samson and

[18:24] caleb they lead the philistines on a merry chase through a kind of mid-budget ancient village set

[18:29] they don't look like brothers right they're not supposed to look like they're twin brothers or

[18:35] anything they look i mean they're not twins but they look neither i mean they're they look more

[18:39] like twins than danny devito and arnold schwarzenegger in the movie of the same name elliot

[18:44] you use that argument too often i think it's unfair okay not only do they not look like brothers in

[18:50] that one of them is blonde fair-skinned and very wispy and the other one is looks essentially

[18:56] samoan sure but yeah they don't even look neither of them looks jewish and i don't even like yeah

[19:02] they look like guys who went to the same wig shop that's that's what they look like but they didn't

[19:07] even get the same color wig yeah no it bothered me so much that the character no one in this movie

[19:12] looks particularly semitic and they don't have to look like woody allen like they don't need to be

[19:18] like my kind of jewish but they don't even i think that would be hilarious everybody's got a corduroy

[19:23] blazer with the patches on the elbows but imagine i mean they don't have to be college professors

[19:28] imagine how much more of a miracle it is if samson is super strong but he's like a little nerdy guy

[19:34] like that's a miracle a huge guy with big muscles hey beating up a bunch of what a miracle i've seen

[19:40] he's like yeah i just i hope that my god-given strength holds out because i don't know how many

[19:46] more people i can massacre with this jawbone uh that's my character uh woody samson but anyway

[19:53] yeah uh it's a it's a problematic impression to do these days uh i'm just saying they could

[19:59] have gotten guys who looked more like they were it feels like oh man you're already gonna you're

[20:04] gonna steal the samson stories from us and then you're gonna cast this other guy and do it this

[20:09] way anyway that's besides point there they go through this village they're running around

[20:12] samson is a real flirty charismatic rogue type he's quick with a joke quick with a punch and

[20:17] he's all he's like his face is like all eyebrows like brow ridge and dimples like he's always

[20:23] smiling this weird smile no he looks like a caveman like let's let's not mince words here

[20:29] uh i was trying to be nice i was saying his dimples looked great looks like it was carved

[20:35] out of granite which can be taken either way but dan it's almost like something you were accusing

[20:39] him of looking like a throwback primitive human i would say he looks like a caveman if you consider

[20:44] his dimples to be two beautiful caves all right well but if he looked like a caveman that would

[20:50] be better because you know what where people a lot of people lived back then in caves because

[20:54] this was ancient times he uh and to and to really show you that he's he's not just you know he's not

[21:00] just punches but he's also a charmer every time they cut to him he's in the middle of laughing

[21:05] at something that you didn't hear it's just him going and like it's like someone he had never

[21:13] laughed before but someone played him a tape of someone laughing he's like i got this i know what

[21:17] you want to practice it once or twice no i got it like once in a while you'll hear the end of what

[21:22] the brother was saying like there's one where the brother is like you know you wish that was true

[21:27] brother it's like you like what were they talking about he's also he's got he's got an eye for the

[21:33] ladies and you know this because every time anything that could be a woman is on screen he

[21:37] just looks at it yeah there's a scene later on where he's watching two women get water from a

[21:41] well like leering at them and they are so totally covered up yes you might as well think that two

[21:47] piles of laundry were getting water from a well they're they just so covered in rags and veils

[21:51] and he's looking at him like nice all right yeah it really like that was erotic back then yeah and

[21:57] his love of watering holes gets him in trouble later but i think we'll get to that yes that's

[22:02] true so so he's he's running uh the guards catch on to their corn stealing scheme yeah and they

[22:10] have they have to like jackie chan his way through the town right yeah i mean it's like the beginning

[22:14] of aladdin like basically i wish it was like the beginning of aladdin singing a song about how he

[22:20] has to steal stuff and with a villain like a tenth as charismatic as jafar would the song be like

[22:27] my name's samson strong as an ox did we have corn

[22:33] i'll break those locks for that delicious corn actually the locks should have been a hair pun

[22:41] but uh they so they they lower themselves into the temple's corn vault i guess because i guess

[22:46] it's a subterranean temple and i think that's where a corn hole comes from the hole they made

[22:52] to get some corn so okay the philistines are terrorizing the hebrews an evil prince named

[22:58] rala he is uh he kills an old man for asking for mercy and his soldiers think it's pretty funny

[23:03] that the hebrews are justifiably disgusted by this uh and samson's parents are like samson

[23:09] the prophecy says you need to lead the tribe of dan to vengeance and now okay two things two

[23:14] things once one the parents are literally say vengeance like this is their holy mission is

[23:19] vengeance two dan was it weird that this is the tribe of dan did you think maybe you should be

[23:23] leading it uh i mean i should this movie be called dancing instead and it's about ted dancing

[23:30] i'm so ill-equipped to lead anything like i can't decide what to do on the weekend

[23:36] put me in charge of a bunch of people

[23:38] and be like I don't know what do you want to do

[23:40] I'm so busy working for it

[23:42] you can't come up with plans

[23:44] so you're saying the tribe of Dan

[23:46] if it was more accurate they would do a lot of

[23:48] sitting around sighing in their pajamas

[23:51] just letting a cat walk all over them

[23:53] that kind of stuff

[23:54] I mean letting a cat walk all over you

[23:56] it's a privilege for a cat to walk all over you Elliot

[23:59] what are we doing this weekend tribe

[24:00] I don't know I guess we should just watch

[24:02] stop making sense again

[24:03] that really is the tribe of dan guys when i when i got to dan's apartment uh the tv screen had

[24:11] strange days paused i mean that's not so bad that's no but i feel like it's a very

[24:17] you know it's a dan moment here's my image of dan based on nothing here's the tribe of dan

[24:22] what are we gonna do today should we go outside at all no i'll just let's just watch some of the

[24:29] porn we t-vote it's 3 p.m yeah whatever that's my image is that accurate at all dan like afternoon

[24:36] t-vote i don't know why you have to shame someone for watching porn in the afternoon yeah i mean

[24:42] it's it's an everyday food it's where the phrase afternoon delight comes from really is it yes i

[24:47] think that's what the song's about you set aside a specific type time of night for your porn viewing

[24:52] elliot are you like okay it's not doing are you like making porn or watching porn viewing oh

[24:59] viewing are you like is it like alcohol where you're like can't have it before five yeah because

[25:06] he's a fucking gremlin yeah if i if i watch porn before midnight then i turn into a gremlin if i

[25:11] watch it after midnight i turn into a different kind of gremlin and a guilty feeling one one who

[25:16] feels shame anyway so samson's parents want samson to leave the tribe of dan and vengeance samson

[25:22] guys yeah let's let's pump the brakes there have we done anything other than pump the brakes

[25:28] i feel like since parents i think we're ignoring the fact that you know it's really great when you

[25:35] watch a movie in 2018 and one of your hero actors who had an amazing role early on in their career

[25:41] like a career defining role and then has since been doing nothing but like schlocky sci-fi movies

[25:47] guys i'm talking about billy zane in this movie we're not even up to billy zane yet were you

[25:53] talking about rutger hauer was was that the fake out you're going that was the fake out i was going

[25:59] about rutger hauer but no i gotta say billy zane's incredible in this movie he's like

[26:04] he's like you know what what if what if older orson wells wasn't quite as fat

[26:11] yeah still looked out of shape but what are you talking about he looks great and he lost

[26:17] his enthusiasm for life yeah ed was wearing and he's crowned from a party city yeah burger king

[26:24] kids club crown uh we'll get to that was that rutger hauer as as the dad yeah yeah i did not

[26:31] even recognize him oh boy that was the one good beard in the whole movie i didn't oh it also

[26:35] doesn't help that i was watching this on a laptop while i was doing the dishes so maybe i just wasn't

[26:39] looking at him no the beards are fucking awful yeah but uh okay samson he doesn't want to listen

[26:43] rutger howard he doesn't want to be a hero and he look he's already followed god's three vows

[26:49] that he wants to take he's never touched a dead person he's never drank wine and he never cuts

[26:53] his hair what more does god want from him and it's like he really says i've never touched a

[26:58] dead person like that's something we all want to do but he's like i'm a great guy and it's i also

[27:04] love that god is setting down these like gremlins like rules yeah do you think i i feel like they

[27:09] missed a beat like they missed an opportunity when they made the poster for this movie they

[27:13] should have had like it should have said the three rules and then had the first two with like a red

[27:19] line through them and then the last one just says never cut your hair yeah i mean dan there are

[27:25] there i mean if here's a here's a little primer on judaism judaism 101 judaism is all about rules

[27:30] the more arbitrary the better never hey dan never uh never cook a uh lamb in its mother's milk you

[27:38] know why who knows doesn't matter uh hey you know i was watching a i was watching a thing on the

[27:44] news about a kosher a guy who makes kosher friendly uh like lettuce and he has like a

[27:51] kosher friendly wait wait wait because there's no there's no as far as i know there's no kosher

[27:56] unfriendly lettuce lettuce is not an animal and has no blood it but it breaks kosher to accidentally

[28:03] eat an insect oh that's true that's very true so in in ye olden times did they have like clean

[28:10] rooms or was it just like inspect each piece of lettuce i think i think in in olden days they

[28:17] just kind of understood that hey what are you gonna do like uh they were so busy trying to

[28:23] survive that's like you know and also i love that that was like a rationale that the rabbis would

[28:29] make to god like hey what are you gonna do i mean there's no more jewish rationale than what are you

[28:34] gonna do but i mean also every every law can be broken if it means saving a human life so if you're

[28:42] like i'm starving to death i'm gonna eat this lettuce even if it has little bugs on it god is

[28:45] like that's cool i understand but if you're living high on the hog which you shouldn't be either

[28:50] because pigs are not kosher but let's say you're living high on a kosher animal like uh like a cow

[28:55] and if you're like i'm not gonna wash this lettuce god would be like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hold on

[29:00] buddy that rule's in place for a reason that reason i don't know even i don't know and i'm god

[29:05] but it's there so don't do it an evil general might burn out your eyes i don't know look who

[29:10] knows so uh but samson's like it seems very clear samson never seems to get the message that what

[29:15] god wants you to do is free your people that these other rules are kind of like sub clauses in the

[29:21] main thing so he's like i did everything he's like the uh that student who does the assignment

[29:26] to the letter it doesn't go beyond in the spirit of the assignment you know what i mean i do sure

[29:32] so doesn't he at this point he wanders off and gets in a wrestling match with a lion right no

[29:38] that's much later so now we meet king billy zane for the first time wearing his burger king kids

[29:42] club crown he wants to crush the hebrews and he tells prince rala you got to stop samson because

[29:48] samson he has this elaborate thing where he's like he's like samson represents freedom and freedom

[29:54] represents hope and hope leads to rebellion and rebellion like he has this elaborate flow chart

[30:00] that he's going to show his princely son his prince and his son the prince rala seems to be

[30:05] doing like a not very good johnny depp impression through the whole movie like an english johnny

[30:10] depp uh and i kept waiting for the moment when he would break into other johnny depp characters

[30:16] like he'd show up with scissor hands or something.

[30:18] Yeah, I mean, he's got a pretty sick smoky eye, though.

[30:22] You know what I mean?

[30:22] Oh, very much so.

[30:23] Yeah, and a great, like, 90s pop punk goatee.

[30:26] Oh, yeah.

[30:27] He's got a real, like, a real 311 goatee.

[30:32] Yeah, he's a real Cherry Poppin' Danny.

[30:33] He's a guy who, at a different time,

[30:38] you just, you take off the prince costume

[30:40] and put on, like, a flannel shirt,

[30:42] and he's just a guy going to buy a Stone Temple Pilots album.

[30:45] that's that's all he's doing okay so uh samson now he takes the challenge so the prince to lure

[30:51] samson out because even though he's famous they still need to identify him uh samson takes the

[30:57] challenge of an egyptian fighter named balcom uh mainly because he thinks the promoter's daughter

[31:02] taryn is very pretty which objectively she is movie i can't fault your math on this one she's

[31:09] a very pretty actress was very beautiful and uh and samson he's so distracted glad you're glad

[31:14] you're going to the wall for that one hey look i'll go out on a limb and say this woman who's

[31:18] has a starring role in a movie is attractive oh wow so samson uh he's distracted so he takes a

[31:25] couple punches of balkan but then he wins by picking up a huge boulder and almost crushing

[31:29] him to death with it boy a boulder that is once worse than the crown and the beards it is a like

[31:36] star trek original series caliber foam boulder it looks so not threatening and everyone's like

[31:42] stop samson and it's like that thing it weighs one pound i think they were more worried that

[31:47] the chemicals used in the manufacturing of the styrofoam of the boulder would give cancer to

[31:51] the egyptian guy if he swallowed any of it long term yeah they're like that little flakes could

[31:55] come off and then they'll get everywhere and they're impossible to clean because the static

[31:59] makes it stick to your hand i also love that samson is like down on the ground and he's like

[32:04] he's like hands are vibrating on on the ground as if he's like you know drawing power from the

[32:10] earth like he's superman or something like yeah i mean i know that superman draws the power from

[32:14] the sun but the same no but there is there's the guy what's the name of the guy stewart that

[32:17] hercules fights oh i can't yeah i can't remember the one that he has to put him in like a fucking

[32:23] torture rack to kill him oh i just the story i heard him up in the air and break his back he

[32:27] just holds him up in the air until he withers to death because he has to be kind of his name is

[32:31] like geo storm or something i don't remember what it was yeah because he has to be touching his

[32:34] mother gaia or something but you're right so samson says a prayer to god and then the ground

[32:40] shakes under him and it does look like he's absorbing his power from the earth which would

[32:43] be from gaia the earth mother which is not part of the jewish religion that's some polytheism

[32:49] they do not know in judaism it is a male god who hates everybody i also thought it was just funny

[32:54] though because it was like samson was constantly having to remind god that he's like the chosen guy

[32:59] he's like oh i got the chosen guy hold on a second i like what if what if they said they said

[33:05] there's a prophecy that there will come a chosen guy yeah soon your people will be freed by some

[33:11] dude he will be a pretty chill bro and who are you you say you are chum of the jews

[33:19] that's what pontius pilate says to jesus in uh jesus christ super guy some guy the jews went

[33:27] to college with well well well if this isn't the broheme of the hebrews you seem like a nice dude

[33:37] so anyway uh but dan you're right he this so this is samson's life it is uh get in trouble

[33:45] pray to god for help and then punch his way out of trouble and it's just that over and over again

[33:50] not since mad men have i seen characters so trapped in a cycle of personal behavior that

[33:56] they cannot break out of and what i'm saying is yes this is the madman of biblical movies i guess

[34:01] uh of course i'm not saying that man it's the greatest show ever made uh so samson's dad does

[34:06] not approve of samson just fighting egyptians and looking at beautiful ladies he thinks samson's

[34:11] lost sight of his true people so anyway the prince kills balcom the egyptian he tells the

[34:17] the fight promoter you and your daughter work for me now and then this is when the king and the

[34:21] prince talk to each other and the king reveals the prince is like if dagon helps us dagon be

[34:27] strong we will defeat these hebrews there are the hebrews already so beaten down the philistines go

[34:32] in with impunity just murder them and steal their food but it's still like we got to crush these

[34:36] people and the king is like look there's no real dagon there's no god gods don't work come on let

[34:42] me it's like uh that moment in wrong about that motherfucker dagon fight fight fight come on movie

[34:48] So, Dagon, how's it going?

[34:50] Pretty good, motherfucker.

[34:52] Wow, you're going 110% here, Dagon.

[34:58] We're on your side.

[35:00] Well, not really.

[35:00] I don't worship you.

[35:01] Yeah, but we want you to tell your side of the story.

[35:03] So, Dagon, how did that feel to have Billy Zane just say, you're not real?

[35:07] Well, I'm half fish.

[35:09] Okay.

[35:11] So, you're saying, what, it's the Titanic thing?

[35:13] I don't understand.

[35:14] Oh, yeah.

[35:15] You know, I never saw Titanic.

[35:16] Everybody tells me I need to.

[35:18] What about the Phantom?

[35:18] Did you like that?

[35:19] Love the Phantom.

[35:20] Phantom.

[35:21] In modern superhero movies, they can't hold a candle to the Phantom.

[35:25] No, no, they can't.

[35:26] He really slammed evil.

[35:27] Yeah, yeah.

[35:27] So, Dagon, what brings you by today?

[35:29] You're going to promote Double, your new scripted podcast?

[35:33] Yeah, I know people are a little sick of hearing about it, but we're trying to get the word out.

[35:38] Okay, that's the Dagon bit.

[35:39] Thanks, everybody.

[35:40] Thanks for joining us, Dagon.

[35:40] Bye.

[35:41] So, the king is like, gods don't exist.

[35:46] they're just symbols that we use for controlling people and this is when you know oh he's the worst

[35:51] kind of bad guy an atheist oh damn billy zane more like billy in zane

[35:58] more like dan zane's children's musician uh so samson's fort with taryn and they really hit it

[36:07] off they have a moment where uh she says she says those who tangle with you uh like you know don't

[36:14] really regret it

[36:16] and I thought her use of the word tangle

[36:18] was so hilariously anachronistic

[36:20] that they're in this kind of fake

[36:21] high language biblical English

[36:24] and she's like hey

[36:25] those who tangle with you

[36:27] what is he some chosen guy

[36:30] could be another hair pun

[36:31] oh that's fair

[36:34] so they're like

[36:35] they're all hot and heavy right

[36:37] oh yeah they are and meanwhile the council

[36:40] and Rucker Hauer is not into it

[36:42] he's like you shouldn't marry her

[36:44] who is rucker howard his dad manoa right well they don't like it because she's a philistine

[36:49] and he's a hebrew it's a real west bank story yay anyway uh and so and the hebrew council which is

[36:58] just the old man of the village and caleb they're like this is bad samson's no good he's just always

[37:03] lusting after women i wouldn't trust him with my daughter or my sister let alone the future of our

[37:08] people and caleb is like if it wasn't for his strength maybe your daughter's sister would have

[37:12] no virtue left without his protection and it's like whoa dude that's a harsh threat sure so

[37:17] like if samson leaves someday like something terrible is going to happen all the women of

[37:21] the tribe because he's shown absolutely no protection of us so far like they anyway they

[37:27] got big plans for samson but he doesn't seem to be living up to it long story short samson and the

[37:32] lady they they proposed taryn he proposes to her and she accepts yay it's great and meanwhile the

[37:41] prince is getting mad and he's griping about his dad the king and how lame his dad is to his

[37:45] girlfriend whose name is delilah oh huge reveal huge reveal he's like my love my delilah it's like

[37:54] oh really the only other female character in the movie is going to be delilah and then he then he

[37:58] looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows up into the sky and then neil diamond comes on and

[38:04] sings his famous song that's right forever in blue jeans wait hold on a second i the uh i like

[38:11] stare at the idea that he raised his eyebrows up so high that it's like they're retiring them in

[38:15] the rafters of a basketball arena yeah it's the opposite of a deal with it meme uh so samson and

[38:24] they're gonna get married at the kind of like biblical picnic because they have a basket with

[38:27] them and his parents don't approve samson storms off into the misty forest and asks god for a sign

[38:33] god gives him a sign in the form of a lion that attacks him which if god gave me that sign i'd

[38:39] be like god's mad at me he does not want me to marry this woman the uh the lion looked so bored

[38:44] initially like the tiger the tiger in that fucking neil breen movie we watched seemed more into it

[38:51] the fight with the lion is worse than the fight between michael palin and the stuffed lion

[38:56] in the scott of the antarctic scott of the sahara uh sketch in my python where he is wrestling with

[39:02] stuffed lion and then a man in a lion suit hits him over the head with a chair like that was more

[39:07] convincing than this one it was like samson just hugged that lion for a while just hug it and then

[39:12] pull a king kong and just snap his jaws there are there's three seconds of a real lion that they

[39:16] rented and then he just fights with a build-a-bear and then when samson's on he asked god for

[39:24] forgiveness and it's like i did not understand what was going on like that's one of those things

[39:29] where maybe back then they just understood

[39:30] God's signs a little bit more clearly.

[39:33] Yeah.

[39:33] But even when Moses saw the burning bush,

[39:37] God talked to him out of it.

[39:38] It was like Moses didn't see the burning bush

[39:41] and go like, oh, I see.

[39:42] I got to get a staff.

[39:43] I got to go with my brother.

[39:44] We're going to go save everybody from the Pharaoh.

[39:47] Commandments.

[39:48] You got it, bush on fire.

[39:49] Like, I don't know.

[39:50] It was a simpler time back then.

[39:52] So this is the point where the movie starts

[39:54] getting a little bit wild for me.

[39:56] Okay.

[39:57] Because then this is where Rala starts talking to maybe Delilah or maybe the king about or maybe Delilah convinces Rala about how she he should allow the marriage to happen because he can control Samson.

[40:12] Yes.

[40:13] I was trying to figure out his motivation here.

[40:16] It's this weird thing where she says to Rala, you have to give permission for Taryn to marry Samson.

[40:23] So if you give him his wife, he owes you, and you'll be under his control.

[40:27] You'll have his strength at your command, which is not a terrible strategy.

[40:31] Like win over his trust by giving him the love of his life, and then you have that leverage over him.

[40:36] You can always take it away.

[40:37] But the prince is like, ah, of course.

[40:39] And then right away is such an asshole to all of them.

[40:42] Yeah, immediately he's like, he's a huge dick and then tries to murder him.

[40:45] It's crazy.

[40:46] He's like, that's right.

[40:48] I can control him and have his strength working for me.

[40:50] Okay, hot shot, riddle contest.

[40:53] And if you lose, you either have to give me 30 tunics or I kill your wife.

[40:56] He's like, wait, what?

[40:57] How does this fit into your plan?

[40:58] Why does he want so many tunics?

[41:01] It's also, before we get to that, because he wants to live like his favorite character actor, Alan Tunic.

[41:07] He's great both on camera and as a voiceover artist.

[41:11] Oh, he's great.

[41:11] He's just amazing.

[41:12] Where's that guy's Oscar?

[41:13] He's as great as K-Tunic Esso.

[41:15] What?

[41:16] Alan Tunic was K-2 Esso in Rogue One?

[41:20] I don't remember Robot Name.

[41:21] Oh, that's okay.

[41:22] Anyway, he was.

[41:22] Elliot, trust me, what I said was very funny.

[41:24] Fucking wooer over here.

[41:26] There's also, this is after the scene, though, where Samson...

[41:29] You don't remember robot names?

[41:30] Yeah.

[41:31] Huh.

[41:31] Name a robot.

[41:32] I won't remember it.

[41:33] Robocop.

[41:34] Who?

[41:35] Terminator.

[41:36] What?

[41:37] It's fucking Murphy is his name, by the way.

[41:40] Fucking Murphy?

[41:41] Is that a robot?

[41:42] Okay.

[41:43] One, Robocop's a cyborg, not a robot, so...

[41:46] Wow.

[41:46] And the Terminator is also a cyborg, so boo-hoo, you lose.

[41:49] I haven't taken to school.

[41:51] Name a real robot for me.

[41:52] I can't.

[41:53] I have no more.

[41:54] You're like, they're all cyborgs.

[41:55] Lobot.

[41:56] Deathwalk.

[41:58] Have we talked about the riddles yet?

[41:59] Yeah, we're dipping our toes in the riddle territory.

[42:04] So before the rehearsal dinner, Samson is wandering through the forest,

[42:08] sees the carcass of the lion he killed,

[42:09] and just reaches into it and pulls out some globby crap and eats it.

[42:13] It's a fucking honeycomb, dude.

[42:16] It's a honeycomb.

[42:17] But wait.

[42:17] The lion's carcass was a honeycomb hideout?

[42:19] But is this something that, is it common knowledge?

[42:22] He's like a bear who like goes through the woods.

[42:24] No, no, no, excuse me.

[42:24] Is it common knowledge among the human population of the world that bees routinely squat in lion carcasses and turn them into honeycombs?

[42:34] Because this was the first I've ever heard of it.

[42:36] Because he snatches that honeycomb and then he looks at the sky and he goes, sweet from the strong meat or something.

[42:43] He says something to eat from the eater, something sweet from the strong.

[42:48] and then he says dig him dig him stupidest god damn thing and this is this is a literal quote

[42:55] from the bible that i'm calling the stupidest god damn thing because he's like so was this

[43:01] scene in that so dan that riddles from the bible yeah from what was it like from the strong

[43:06] from the eaters something to eat something strong something sweet or something like that but it was

[43:12] also was the part where he pulls honey out of a lion's carcass also in the bible yes that's okay

[43:17] in the bible but wait that's not a riddle dude well that's what i that's why i wanted to talk

[43:23] about calm down calm down settle down i know you get mad about riddles but anyway it's not like

[43:28] we're asking you to name a robot come on so at the so we'll say okay at the wedding rehearsal

[43:35] they have a little bit of a riddle contest uh they the print and uh i mean i was just i was

[43:40] just at a wedding guys i was at a wedding there's no riddle contest it was a fiddle contest no but

[43:50] there was this little kid that was on the dance floor and he was doing the homer simpson line

[43:54] aside like the curly thing where he runs in a circle but he was he was doing it while dabbing

[43:59] the whole time and i've never felt more inadequate on a dance floor that's pretty great so uh samson

[44:06] is like so first the prince tricks samson into drinking some wine which is not cool and it's one

[44:11] of those things where he's like oh i broke my vow but it's like let's look at the motive here you

[44:15] thought you were drinking water god let can i can i appeal to you god that if he didn't do it on

[44:20] purpose that he didn't break his vow because it's it's kind of like uh if somebody dropped a dollar

[44:26] and then a day later you saw on the ground and picked it up did you steal from that person you

[44:31] don't know who it belongs to i don't know so in this case he's talking to rala who's being a

[44:36] serious dick right away yeah and he's like hey have a drink with me and he gives him some shit

[44:42] and he's like yeah it's not wine and then he drinks it and realizes it's wine immediately like

[44:48] it was clearly it was wine there he wasn't going to give him something that wasn't wine right

[44:53] that's true i guess he didn't think it's not that he thought samson was pregnant and gave him like

[44:57] club soda that looked like a gin and tonic or something yeah yeah it's not a mocktail

[45:01] so they have their riddle contest and the real contest stakes are clear if if samson wins he

[45:06] gets 30 tunics which i guess me which i thought it was like a strip riddle contest that like

[45:10] the prince and all his men were going to take their clothes off yeah i thought we were going

[45:14] to see some dong too yeah and but if if the prince wins that samson can either bring 30 tunics or

[45:19] allow his wife to be murdered and and so samson being a real egotistical guy and he's come up

[45:25] with this amazing riddle when he stole that honey from the lion's body because apparently in biblical

[45:30] times bees were just looking for

[45:33] lions to build their houses in

[45:34] like this is something I've never heard of

[45:36] anywhere else that made me so mad

[45:38] this is like the most unfair

[45:40] fucking riddle when he's like

[45:42] he tells this thing that he like this like

[45:44] little bit of dog roll that he like made

[45:46] up while he was wandering around he says

[45:48] the dumbest shit and then he gives

[45:50] them all look like he's a fucking

[45:52] man he's Edward Nygma

[45:54] himself smug look about this

[45:56] riddle and not not since it's like

[45:58] I got my pocket has there been

[46:00] such an unfair riddle it's like when somebody fucking kills me in overwatch and then starts

[46:05] fucking teabagging me and i'm like come on man this wasn't even a fair fight i was playing a

[46:10] bad character you can wait hold on i mean that raises a lot of questions about how overwatch

[46:15] functions that you can teabag the bodies afterwards yeah it's like any video game

[46:19] jordan back me up on this stew's right once again stew balls and georgina are sticking together

[46:28] so Dan so the riddle

[46:30] the answer is of course

[46:31] like a honey and a lion or something like that

[46:34] like it's the answer

[46:36] it is a bad riddle but what would your riddle be Dan

[46:38] let's say it's your

[46:40] rehearsal dinner

[46:40] what the fuck kind of

[46:42] put me on the spot bullshit is this

[46:45] you're Mr. Riddles you're the guy who couldn't wait

[46:48] to talk about this riddle

[46:49] yeah Dan's been on this phone the last 20 minutes

[46:52] looking up riddles

[46:53] unsolvable riddle that's what I'm saying

[46:55] like nothing

[46:56] like all right here's the other thing the the other riddle that was said at uh you know at

[47:05] the thing was like i think you're paraphrasing now the other riddle that the guy said was

[47:11] something about like i run when the when the sun comes what am i or something like that and it was

[47:19] like he's like the answer is a star i'm like all right well it could have been the moon i mean my

[47:24] guess it could have been it could have been darkness i have any number of fucking things

[47:29] riddle guy well i mean that's riddles though riddles are dumb but i would i have to assume

[47:32] if samson said the moon which was my guess the prince would have been like all right judges

[47:37] yes i will accept the moon you will receive 15 tunics

[47:42] i'll just i guess just cut off your wife's arm sure we're both winners on this one samson

[47:50] but it's he goes judges book of judges yes they're saying that they'll accept it but at least that's

[47:57] a solvable riddle the other like samson's riddle is not a solvable so you're saying so this is

[48:01] where the movie really stretched its believability for you it wasn't that he's a super strong man who

[48:07] gets his powers from a deity and also apparently doesn't have a job or need to do anything for a

[48:14] living even those people are starving and could just have time to go tarry with taryn on the beach

[48:19] he also lives in a place that is so close to the beach so close to a forest and so close to a

[48:24] mountain which i guess is israel now that i think about it but yeah what is this middle earth but

[48:29] the thing that you really that really bothered you is this is a bad riddle yeah so is it possible

[48:36] that riddle technology had just not been developed at that point yeah yeah i think i think that's a

[48:41] big part of it so the so the bad guy guesses the riddle or he like ferrets it out so the bad guy

[48:46] says find me the answer to that riddle to delilah and delilah tells taryn we gotta find the answer

[48:52] to that riddle you still work for me bitch and because because delilah's a real nasty person to

[48:57] taryn and so taryn says to samson if we're gonna be married we can't have any secrets and he's like

[49:01] we don't have any and she goes well what was your riddle all about and he and if i was if i was him

[49:06] i'd have been like i don't know it's some dumb riddle or something this is not a sign of our

[49:09] marriage but he goes okay it's it's a lion and honey or something like that and delilah overhears

[49:16] this and tells the prince so the prince gets it right in the morning and he's like samson where

[49:22] are my 30 tunics that you owe me and samson's like oh shit i don't have 30 tunics what am i

[49:28] like super rich he runs through a wall or something that's right there's a samson shape

[49:33] hole in the wall yeah i gotta get the tunics dude and he runs off crazy he's gotta fight he i mean

[49:41] if i was him i'd just go home to the tribe and be like guys i need a solid everyone give me your

[49:46] tunic right take them shirts off like i but this is my only tunic look my wife's gonna be killed

[49:51] if i don't have this tunic is your clothing more important than my wife yeah keep in mind also i'm

[49:55] super strong and or even hey guys i'll lead you to freedom but the price is 30 tunics like that's

[50:01] always good or just take pick up taran and run away with her because you're super strong dude

[50:07] just go somewhere with and maybe he doesn't know the extent of his powers yet but he can one shot

[50:12] kill anyone yeah like it seems like now is the time to use your one punch one kill powers because

[50:19] he shows up with he he finds these philistines and he's like hey give me your tunics and the

[50:24] philistines well first he's at a well and he starts drinking some water and yeah so he runs off and he

[50:28] and he pulls a fucking straight up terminator he's like your clothes give them to me that's i at

[50:34] first i thought it was a reference to terminator that they were doing this like okay samson's

[50:39] like a callback your tunics i'm going to need them and your motorcycle yeah and then bad to

[50:43] the boat starts playing samson just his plan seems to be to just run away like okay i can't get the

[50:49] tunics i'll i don't i don't have a wife i guess i'm just gonna run off start a new name a new life

[50:54] under a new name now my name is uh gramson my name is gramson and i'm not even jewish anymore

[50:59] i'm from the tribe of glan i'm gramson from the tribe of glan and i maybe i'm not super strong

[51:04] maybe i'm just like a guy like i look strong but i'll pretend i can't pick up things so no one will

[51:08] know and it's like he's he's very thirsty from that running the philistines say don't drink that

[51:13] that's for philistines only and he says give me your tonics and then punches the that lead

[51:18] philistiner once kills him with one punch and the other philistine guys are like whoa and and he uh

[51:25] like then just punches the rest of them to death punches them all while some of his tribes people

[51:31] watch and are freaked out yeah reasonably so yeah at the end of it she's there he's like

[51:36] why are you so scared i'm here to help you they're like you're gonna fucking you're gonna

[51:41] fucking combo us to death she's like this is ancient times all we know is you're some crazy

[51:49] guy who walked up punched 20 men to 30 men demanded clothes your fucking super meter is

[51:56] totally jacked up at this point yeah yeah you could do like a an nba jam like fire dunk at

[52:02] this point we don't want to get anywhere near you uh but he can't take the tunics off of those guys

[52:07] because he vowed to god he'd never touch the dead but he does it anyway and he returns with a net

[52:13] full of tunics to find the prince is like he must have been gone for 10 days because the prince is

[52:18] like oh yeah you were gone for so long we had to finish the wedding ceremony so i married taryn

[52:22] and samson does not like the sound of this they try to capture samson but he runs away to a cave

[52:28] full of foxes.

[52:29] And Dan, is that in the Bible also?

[52:31] This is the Bible. This is how you know

[52:34] that it's accurate to the Bible. It's the Bible of the last Jedi, right?

[52:36] It's because nothing

[52:37] this wacky would

[52:39] be in this movie if it was not

[52:41] actually in the Bible. All the stuff that doesn't

[52:44] make sense is straight from the Bible. So he ties

[52:45] burning wood to

[52:48] the fox's tails and lets them loose

[52:49] in the Philistine wheat field

[52:51] and burns their crops.

[52:53] And Samson's like, I'll burn all your crops

[52:56] if you don't give me Taron. And the prince is like,

[52:57] Fine, take Taryn and throws her over a wall to her death.

[53:00] Yeah, you were saying that was your favorite part of the movie, Dan.

[53:07] You thought it was hilarious.

[53:07] I thought that was really cruel, but whatever, man.

[53:12] I'm just a normal guy.

[53:14] You know, I like seeing other people in pain.

[53:15] Yeah, that was I mean, I thought that was hilarious, though.

[53:20] Like he's like, I got to you're like, you're like, I would never think that's funny.

[53:24] That's a joke.

[53:25] Anyway, seriously, I find it hilarious.

[53:26] No, no, no, no, no, not that.

[53:27] the foxes part like he's like i i gotta get my revenge on these people by burning their crops

[53:33] but i'm gonna you know what i'll let the foxes be the fall guy here well so i'm gonna torture

[53:38] these foxes but yeah maybe he also wanted revenge on the foxes from like a deleted scene and this

[53:44] was like a double revenge he's just like killing his way through all the animals he's like i killed

[53:48] a lion time for me to take these foxes out because there's i i don't they were very cute they were

[53:53] very cute they were like fennec foxes they're really cute looking but they had longer tails

[53:57] the uh i i mean fennec foxes i guess would have been native to the area possibly they're desert

[54:01] foxes so anyway we don't need to talk about fennec foxes just go to the prospect park zoo and you'll

[54:05] see some for yourself uh i would be and and you'll get to see of course the mata mata coolest of the

[54:11] turtles you're the coolest turtle in the universe yeah at the prospect park zoo prospect park

[54:16] brooklyn anyway like a real party dude take the kids and what dan they got red pandas now too

[54:21] red pandas that's my favorite panda they've had red pandas for a while but they got baby red

[54:25] pandas now oh yeah they did a year ago they're probably all grown they won't for long because

[54:29] i'm going there and stealing them but i doubt there was a scene that they cut out where samson

[54:36] is like foxes here's the plan the foxes are like you got it samson like he just burned to death for

[54:44] you they just yell at him it's like the omen this is for you samson it's all for you uh they try to

[54:52] capture samson he runs away all that stuff the prince kidnaps samson's dad to make samson show

[54:57] up and samson gives himself up once he is ready to surrender yeah his brother chad or whatever

[55:03] shows up and finds him caleb caleb and they have a really awesome conversation in uh in front of a

[55:10] green screen uh cave because i guess they couldn't film in a cave their cave budget ran out after the

[55:17] fox scene uh so uh samson he's like samson now is that now that the prince has killed your wife

[55:23] maybe now you can lead our people and kidnapped your dad maybe now you can lead our people to

[55:29] freedom and he's like no i'll free our people by giving myself up i don't care what they said i

[55:34] will surrender and give myself away you know like the song anyway and so he's ready to give himself

[55:40] up and the prince is like good i'll let your father live and then he walks from those jk jk

[55:44] jk i'm gonna kill your dad right now right in front of you and then i'm gonna burn down your

[55:47] watch this and the troops kill his dad samson is uh so mad that he bursts the bonds that they tied

[55:57] him up with and now his super strength he just hulks out and he goes crazy picks up a very very

[56:04] conveniently placed ass's

[56:06] jawbone. Yeah, and the

[56:08] bad guy's like, I told you

[56:10] not to give him a jawbone!

[56:12] Oh, I thought you

[56:14] said, do give him a jawbone!

[56:16] Yeah, like, Ellie, you say

[56:18] ass's jawbone as if it's a common weapon,

[56:20] like as if it's one of the weapons in Clue

[56:22] or something. Yeah, yeah. No, it's only famous

[56:24] because Samson used it. Yeah, let's make it

[56:26] clear that, yeah, there was

[56:28] a donkey who died, and there's a

[56:30] jawbone there, and that's what he's gonna use

[56:32] to murderize some people.

[56:34] Yeah, I'm sure the filmmakers were like,

[56:36] this jawbone is going to be the new

[56:39] Darth Maul's double-ended lightsaber.

[56:41] Oh, yeah, sure.

[56:42] Every kid at Christmas wants the styrofoam jawbone

[56:45] so he can be just like his hero, Samson.

[56:48] Yeah, just like his hero.

[56:49] The Samson set comes with a jawbone,

[56:51] a very fake wig, and a faker-looking beard.

[56:54] And he kills so many dudes.

[56:58] It helps that all these troops attack him

[57:00] mostly one at a time in classic movie bad guy fashion.

[57:03] On the Bible, it's 1,000 people.

[57:05] So, I mean, I don't know.

[57:07] I don't think they have 1,000 people in the movie, but that's the biblical.

[57:10] I don't think there's 1,000 people in the entire cast or crew.

[57:12] 1,000 people have not seen this movie.

[57:14] But it's an impressive amount of people that he kills, and it goes on for a while.

[57:20] They pile up on top of him, and he prays to God and throws them off again.

[57:23] What a kill streak.

[57:25] I mean, come on.

[57:26] One life?

[57:26] That's amazing.

[57:27] 1,000 people.

[57:28] Oh, yeah.

[57:28] He had no continues.

[57:29] He was out of continues.

[57:32] It's got to be quite an Xbox achievement.

[57:34] I mean, what is heaven but the ultimate continue?

[57:38] But you don't continue.

[57:41] You do a new thing, right?

[57:42] Hard to say.

[57:43] Okay, good point.

[57:44] We'll find out when we get there, if we get there.

[57:47] I hope we don't live forever.

[57:49] No, I'm more worried I'm going to end up in one of those Chinese Buddhist hells

[57:52] where you're in your tiny little office and you just have to do bureaucratic work all day.

[57:55] Oh, no, I didn't know that was an option.

[57:57] Oh, it's not an option.

[57:58] I mean, you don't get to choose.

[57:59] It's not like...

[58:00] which hell do you want to be in which reminds me i was wondering if so there's all those

[58:07] political cartoons not political there's all those editorial cartoons whenever a famous person dies

[58:11] that shows that famous person showing up in heaven and saint peter being like god's gonna

[58:14] love having you around you know like i hate that shit like there's one when anthony bourdain died

[58:20] that where he was like just fucking grinning i'm like the man committed suicide so you're saying

[58:25] he's in hell right now well that gets me to the point i want to say which is that why don't they

[58:30] do ones like that where when a bad person dies where the devil is greeting them at the door

[58:34] or it's like saddam hussein glad to have you aboard because i'd like to see those

[58:39] like whenever a person dies are you complaining about those uh like cartoons or tweets where

[58:45] people are like prince david bowie heaven's got a hell of a band now and you're like oh

[58:52] thanks for boiling down boiling them down to their one skill also i mean i mean it is fair to

[58:59] miss them as musicians but uh but i'm as even for their contributions to film and fashion

[59:05] but it's almost like what i don't like about that is it's like yeah heaven already has the best band

[59:10] like it wasn't like they're just waiting it's not like david bowie and prince together are better

[59:14] than all the great musicians who ever lived their own history bradley noel of supply

[59:18] we're just gonna watch bradley jam but i just imagine mozart and friends list and like buddy

[59:26] holly and the end john lennon are all playing a song together and then god looks over and prince

[59:31] and david are gone and he goes shut that shit off shut that shit off the real musicians are here

[59:35] john lennon physically abused his wife right so he probably isn't up there right i mean yeah i mean

[59:42] no and let's just be honest no professional musician is ending up in heaven they're all

[59:46] pretty they all lead pretty crazy lives maybe ironically pat boone

[59:50] which i guess it's not ironic because he's very much a christian musician yeah exactly

[59:56] danny dan staring off into the middle distance trying to trying to rationalize liking uh

[1:00:02] problematic musicians right now no that's not what i was doing thanks for putting thoughts

[1:00:07] in my head it's like is our kelly really a bad guy thanks is he a goodie or a baddie

[1:00:15] Look, he doesn't have to be your Kelly

[1:00:17] as long as he remains our Kelly.

[1:00:19] So, okay.

[1:00:21] Is he a cootie or a baddie?

[1:00:22] I think L.A.'s going into joke jail for that joke.

[1:00:26] I should.

[1:00:27] Okay, anyway.

[1:00:28] Samson, this is one of your marquee Samson moments.

[1:00:32] You go to see the Samson movie

[1:00:33] because you want to see the scene

[1:00:34] where he kills all those guys with the jawbone.

[1:00:36] And I got to say, the movie does not stint on it.

[1:00:39] You see him kill a lot of guys with that jawbone.

[1:00:42] There's all sorts of slow-mo.

[1:00:43] know for me like for an overtly christian movie like this is the fucking meat of the the feast

[1:00:49] you know like oh yeah this is some tasty treats something sweet from the strong eater from the

[1:00:54] yeah if we could make a boy out of trees we can make a pencil out of boys i mean this is the sort

[1:01:01] of scene where like i'm a little disappointed they didn't do a fucking close-up as soon as

[1:01:05] his hand hits the jawbone and then he raised it up in the air and he goes i have the power

[1:01:11] here's what they should have done when his hand what they should they should have shown his hand

[1:01:15] reaching for the jawbone freeze-framed a guy in sunglasses pops up and goes you know what's

[1:01:19] happening and then his hand then he goes toasty every time he hits somebody his hand grabs the

[1:01:25] jawbone and you just hear ah y'all ready for this and then and then he just wails on these guys and

[1:01:31] he just he kills a lot of them and he hits the prince last he hits him so hard in the face that

[1:01:36] it scars him but does not kill him classic bad guy scar though right across the eye right down

[1:01:41] his eye and also it looks like he's crying a fake tear yeah and classic bad guy thing that he comes

[1:01:47] back which again i don't i think this is dan is that in the original that no the prince was dead

[1:01:53] but he comes back this prince is all made up right the whole second half of the movie where they're

[1:01:57] like where they have cool beers where the prince is like the big villain and and like he he maintains

[1:02:04] his status as Samson's antagonist

[1:02:07] and then also where Delilah

[1:02:09] is kind of like

[1:02:10] into Samson even after she betrays him.

[1:02:13] That's all bullshit. That's all from the book

[1:02:15] of Gladiator, right? The book of

[1:02:17] Best Picture winner Gladiator.

[1:02:18] Exactly. So Samson

[1:02:21] now he's like, okay,

[1:02:22] now I'm going to allow myself to be appointed

[1:02:25] as judge. And they anoint

[1:02:27] him with oil as they would all of the future

[1:02:29] kings of Israel. Oh, I thought that was

[1:02:31] like honey or something.

[1:02:33] that's holy oil uh and because i'm like sweet for the strong meat you know it was actually

[1:02:40] butter flavored topping and then samson looks right into the camera and says uh visit the

[1:02:44] concession stand uh samson they anoint samson and they go you are now the leader of the tribe of

[1:02:50] dan and he goes also can you pour some sugar on me because i'm hot sticky sweet there you go

[1:02:55] and and they said a really long strip club scene

[1:02:58] uh i mean it kind of is later but so but what's weird is that samson's like yes i will be your

[1:03:06] judge now and i will lead you to freedom and then it's uh the king is that the prince is like

[1:03:13] hey he's not dead yet he goes hey dad now can we fight and kill samson and the king is like

[1:03:17] no i'm mad at you but i have to make peace with samson because i don't want to i don't want to

[1:03:23] have any trouble with the hebrews and it's like what was what were you doing this whole time

[1:03:27] motivations are so crazy and the prince is so mad he smashes a statue of dagon and tells delilah

[1:03:32] i will take samson's power because he realizes now who the true god is and it ain't dagon oh

[1:03:39] shit anyway many years later as the chiron says everything's pretty much the same except now

[1:03:44] caleb and samson have these super fakey and mad tv sketch beers that we've been talking about

[1:03:50] everyone looks like the monty python guy that says it's every character in the movie at some

[1:03:56] point looks like the mighty python guy who says it's and it's it's like guys just calm down with

[1:04:02] those beards make them look normal don't make them look like the best beards ever like you don't need

[1:04:07] to make it look like you stole the beard off of that rasta catfish muppet from that from that

[1:04:13] jim hansen you shaved you shaved all three of zz tops beards and sewed them together i mean

[1:04:19] technically there's only two beards in zz top that's okay but you put together to make one

[1:04:24] beard that's right yeah that's that's the bottom like yeah look at where you're putting the money

[1:04:31] movie like this is a story like hair is such a part of this story it is no the most important

[1:04:39] it is like samson costume it is like how in x-men origins wolverine his claws look like shit like

[1:04:46] yeah this is where you put the money this is the thing this needs to look good everything else can

[1:04:50] look kind of shitty but this needs to look good so here's what i imagine that conversation went

[1:04:54] is that the director of the movie was like i need the best most realistic most luxurious

[1:05:00] beards and hair you can get and the accountant was like well let me look at the budget uh we have

[1:05:06] 75 cents for the hair budget how is that possible it's a samson movie we should the budget is easily

[1:05:12] ten thousand dollars let's let's uh let's at least well actually the budget's much bigger

[1:05:17] than that you're the director of a movie and you think the movie could be made for ten thousand

[1:05:20] Look, this is my first movie.

[1:05:22] Most of my films before were Dogma 95.

[1:05:24] And I decided I'm finally going to get some of that big Hollywood money

[1:05:27] and make this Samson epic.

[1:05:28] So tell me, let's break down the budget.

[1:05:29] Well, Rutger Hauer doesn't come cheap, that's for sure.

[1:05:32] Billy Zane doesn't come cheap, that's for sure.

[1:05:35] You want them in your movie, don't you?

[1:05:36] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:05:38] How about we only shoot Billy Zane in one scene

[1:05:41] filled with as many babes as possible?

[1:05:43] You mean two?

[1:05:45] Okay, fine, we can do that.

[1:05:46] two babes who are as covered up as i've ever seen a woman and they're they're braiding each other's

[1:05:52] hair now let's go through the rest of the the budget shall we okay caves doesn't come cheap

[1:05:57] we can't afford it to the home we're gonna have to green screen some of them okay tunics we need

[1:06:01] at least 30 just for one scene alone that's a lot of money lions we need to rent a real lion so they

[1:06:07] can fight uh well can't we do it like a fake lion yeah okay sure we'll get a fake lion which

[1:06:12] actually in a weird way costs more than a real lion okay let's look at this other actors sure

[1:06:17] we need some right okay sure corn what else are they gonna steal from dagon's temple okay good

[1:06:23] point foxes those aren't free are you sure yeah they're not free why do you think rich people

[1:06:28] hunt them okay foxes aren't free now you add up all those things including rocks asses jawbones

[1:06:36] you know how hard those are to come by very really i wonder how many i wonder how many they went

[1:06:42] through filming that scene because they kept breaking yeah he's smashing dudes with it just

[1:06:46] wail on them so that doesn't leave us a lot of money for beards and wigs okay i see your point

[1:06:51] get me get me a ball of yarn and a child school glue stick and we'll do this upright and so they

[1:06:59] their beards are it is terrible they're so funny and the first it was like that was the moment

[1:07:03] when i was like wait a minute is this movie a prank like guys pranked right now did jordan

[1:07:08] make this movie as a prank class i don't know if you guys had the same feeling i had when i

[1:07:14] when i fired up this movie in my movie player uh and i'm seeing all these fucking hot credits

[1:07:19] showing up and that the you know i recognize some of them and then the the the credits for

[1:07:25] the production company pure flicks showed up and i'm sure that's meant to be a christian thing

[1:07:31] but for some reason it sounds like a porno company yeah i mean it looks like the logo in front of

[1:07:38] hbo late night movies yeah it is that caliber of production company logo i was like it's i mean

[1:07:44] it's a soft core level of production budget on a lot of this like there was there were times when

[1:07:49] it was like okay you mean by billy zane showing up even with billy zane it's like and someone's

[1:07:56] gonna turn into like a fred olin ray movie and it's just about misty monday taking her top off

[1:08:00] in someone's rec room basement like that's that's what this is that was mostly for dan that reference

[1:08:05] there oh i love it but anyway it's a it's a cheap movie and the cheapness really shows in the beards

[1:08:11] which as we mentioned is one of your key costume elements for the samson story so anyway okay the

[1:08:18] king and samson meet samson's like we're either gonna have a war or you've got to reduce our

[1:08:23] tribute notice samson isn't even like we have to be free he's like just don't make us pay you so

[1:08:28] much grain every day and and billy zane says no deal i want the heart of the ocean which is called

[1:08:35] uh what's what's it called in french oh i don't know the court de la mer yeah yeah you got it

[1:08:42] anyway and samson's like is that this movie and billy zane is like look i'm just reliving back

[1:08:46] when i was a movie star uh the you've seen the phantom right i smashed evil what was that other

[1:08:54] one i made with i was in like consequence dead calm dead calm uh so delilah finds so samson is

[1:09:02] walk in the streets dejected because he can't make a deal a woman comes up and says samson you're

[1:09:07] famous i have a an inn where men of your kind can pray and be in solitude and it turns out to be

[1:09:12] like a party hotel whorehouse and he's in his room and he's tricked again what the fuck dude

[1:09:18] in his what he got tricked again just like with the wine like fucking pay more attention

[1:09:24] i think samson is just like playing this whole oh no i've been tricked because he wants to drink

[1:09:31] line and go to a brothel yeah that's that's possible too honey god honey i didn't know

[1:09:36] my friends took me i thought that uh i thought that testes was a gym it said gentlemen's club

[1:09:43] i'm a gentleman i'm a very gentle man despite the people i've murdered i thought the people

[1:09:48] i were touching were alive but they were dead bodies they were just sleeping yeah but i was

[1:09:54] touching them uh so he goes to this hotel and uh he's a real buzzkill delilah finds him there and

[1:10:00] says he's in danger she's not with rolla anymore she lies to him and then the philistines attack

[1:10:05] and they're like you murderer you killed my brother when you killed all those troops which

[1:10:09] is and this is the one thing in the movie where i was like all right that's a that's an interesting

[1:10:12] fair point is that even though they're all adr lines that were thrown in at the last minute

[1:10:18] to give the crowd something to say while chasing samson the fact that these men that samson killed

[1:10:24] are just for a moment treated as human beings who had families in the philistine kingdom and not just

[1:10:30] nameless npcs that he could just mow down and then they dissolve away and turn into meat that he can

[1:10:37] eat for more to power up his energy bar or cash that he can use to buy weapons yum like in gauntlet

[1:10:44] that he's not just fighting a bunch of bobos that he can double dragon into food uh so it's like

[1:10:51] there is that there was one more was like okay movie you know what i like that instance that

[1:10:56] the philistines have a reason to be mad at samson they don't know the story of that thing all they

[1:11:00] know is their brother was it was a soldier in the philistine army and samson single-handedly killed

[1:11:06] him and i'm like killed him with a fucking jawbone and with a jawbone the most insulting way to kill

[1:11:11] someone unless he like the only worst way was he if he pooped in his hand and then shoved it

[1:11:15] yeah or like after or afterwards if he just kept hitting the crouch button over and over on top of

[1:11:21] their dead body and you're like come on dude your character is so much better than mine samson was

[1:11:27] the original tea bagger yeah he was original there is that moment after he kills them all

[1:11:31] the job and then he goes i pwned you noobs yeah but i'm like but i turned group chat off i didn't

[1:11:37] even hear that so the philistines chase them delilah and samson escape by ducking behind a

[1:11:43] curtain for a moment the classic oh well if we move over here everyone will forget where we are

[1:11:48] and then he prays to god for strength and he pushes open some huge locked gates to the still

[1:11:53] like the city gates to get away boy in this movie people really hang out and give samson time to

[1:12:01] say his strength prayer yeah like it takes a long time uh yeah and they really just hang out

[1:12:08] it's almost like they're they're like trying to get them to do it they want to say hey hey idiot

[1:12:16] wouldn't it be weird if you got strong right now oh boy probably shouldn't pray to god so you're

[1:12:21] saying that samson is being treated the way that teen wolf was being treated yeah get him mad so

[1:12:27] he wolfs out that our basketball team win what if it's a basketball contest i feel like teen wolf is

[1:12:33] just a modern retelling of the Samson story.

[1:12:36] That's modern, right?

[1:12:37] That's all about hair.

[1:12:38] Hair equals strength.

[1:12:40] Yeah, and a woman who tempts him

[1:12:43] when really his true love, Boof, is there all along.

[1:12:46] Right.

[1:12:46] Now, Stuart, when you said Teen Wolf,

[1:12:49] there was a moment where I thought you said Steam Wolf.

[1:12:50] And I want someone to make a steampunk version

[1:12:53] of Teen Wolf very badly.

[1:12:54] Oh, I thought we were talking about a werewolf version

[1:12:56] of Mary Steenburgen.

[1:12:57] So we've already mentioned that there's a version

[1:13:03] of samson called dancing which stars ted dancing now mary steenwolf virgin is a wolf she wants in

[1:13:09] on the action i get i want to see this power couple where one of them is a super strong

[1:13:13] i guess former bar owner turned demon from hell and the other one is a werewolf who also fell in

[1:13:18] love with hg wells when he was in a time machine think of how jealous ted dancing would be uh if

[1:13:24] his mate could grow hair on cue imagine how he's like all i can do is gray gracefully

[1:13:32] i put the gray in graceful and then he turns into he-man yeah

[1:13:38] imagine how much better by the power of gray skills

[1:13:44] by the power of just for men touch of gray skull oh it really looks natural uh imagine if how much

[1:13:55] better book club would be if it turned out mary stevenson's character is a werewolf that that

[1:13:59] aspect of it was not in the trailers and all these women my mom's age went to go see it and

[1:14:04] we're like what well hold on a second why is she now she's she grew claws and teeth and killed

[1:14:10] craig t nelson and on their date what's that all about oh what a movie book club book club the

[1:14:16] howling so anyway uh samson so samson runs until he what i like about this is samson runs until he

[1:14:25] passes out from sheer emotion which happened to me one year at summer camp where i was i won't get

[1:14:30] i won't go through the whole story but i got in a big fight with a counselor and then i i got upset

[1:14:36] with something else and accidentally broke a window and and my hands were all cut up because

[1:14:41] my hands went through the window and i was dripped a trail of blood to the nurse's office it doesn't

[1:14:46] sound like an accident sounds like you had a like a it sounds like you punched through a window i

[1:14:50] went to push a glass door and i pushed too hard my hands went through that's my story that once

[1:14:55] And the nurse bandaged me up, and I just lay down on a bed.

[1:14:58] And she was the first person to be nice to me the entire day.

[1:15:01] And I lay down on a bed and passed out just from sheer intensity.

[1:15:04] And it was like, Samson, I feel you.

[1:15:06] You know what?

[1:15:07] Sometimes you get mad, you break through a gate.

[1:15:09] He just wanted to push that door, and instead he smashed it down.

[1:15:12] Sometimes they trick you into going into a super fun brothel.

[1:15:15] Yeah, sometimes.

[1:15:17] And then you have to lift a big door.

[1:15:19] What I love is it's still a Christian brothel.

[1:15:23] That's a common problem for you, that you're just way too strong for these simple mortal things around you, so you just break it down.

[1:15:31] I'm always crushing telephone handsets, and like, I'll go to put a quarter in a payphone and just bend the quarter into two.

[1:15:38] And it's like, I mean, I will admit that right before I pushed that door, I said, God, please, listen to your servant, give me strength to open this door.

[1:15:46] And I pushed so hard that the whole front of the building came up.

[1:15:49] And my 12-year-old beard grew out.

[1:15:53] Anyway, so Delilah finds Samson, passed out on this road, and Taron visits Samson in a dream in Gladiator Wheat Heaven.

[1:16:00] Another thing they steal from Gladiator.

[1:16:02] Yeah, heaven is a place on earth full of wheat.

[1:16:05] And Delilah tends to his wounds the way that everybody does in movies set in ancient times,

[1:16:10] which is taking a cloth with water on it and just kind of lightly brushing the wounded part of the body.

[1:16:14] Because that's all they knew of first aid back then.

[1:16:17] There might be some herbs on there.

[1:16:18] There might be some herbs or a tincture.

[1:16:20] Possible.

[1:16:21] Possible herbs.

[1:16:23] I'll put this under pH for possible herbs

[1:16:25] Now

[1:16:27] Could be some rosemary

[1:16:29] Could be some

[1:16:30] Oh yeah, maybe some thyme

[1:16:32] Some mint

[1:16:34] A little parsley

[1:16:37] Some wormwort

[1:16:39] Is that an herb?

[1:16:40] What about asptung?

[1:16:42] Asptung?

[1:16:44] Basalt or witch ingredients

[1:16:46] What about like a hand of glory? Is that an herb?

[1:16:48] Yeah, yeah

[1:16:49] So, Samson now goes to visit his mom

[1:16:52] uh because he's a loser so he's like i guess i'm gonna crash my parents i'm gonna go cry to mommy

[1:16:57] and uh he says hey i think god's forsaken me and he's like dude god just gave you the strength to

[1:17:04] push through the gates of a city yeah and he's been asking you to do stuff the whole movie and

[1:17:08] you have not been doing it like you're the this it's one of those it's like in a in a it's this

[1:17:14] is you know what this is that moment for samson like that moment in train wreck where uh lebron

[1:17:19] james and all of bill hater's celebrity cameo friends are like hold that intervention form

[1:17:24] where they're like if you don't if you don't shape up amy's gonna leave you and it's like

[1:17:28] amy has been terrible to him this entire movie he just he was getting an award for what a great

[1:17:33] charity doctor he is and she went out and smoked pot in the hallway instead of watching him give

[1:17:37] a speech why are his friends not on his side so it's one of those moments where samson's like

[1:17:41] i think god has forsaken me it's like god is the wronged party in this one samson samson you don't

[1:17:47] get to be the hero right now yeah samson is positively apatowian in this yeah apatowian

[1:17:53] excuse me yeah yeah i think i think that's the first time that elliot identifies with a male

[1:17:58] character in an apatow movie uh yeah maybe otherwise i'm like who are these assholes

[1:18:05] come on get a job folks when i watch stop playing video games when i watch an apatow movie i turn

[1:18:10] into archie bunker where i'm like get a job you slobs work for a living stop put those video games

[1:18:17] down of course archie bunker never talked about video games they didn't really have them at the

[1:18:20] time but you know meathead would be staying up late playing arkham city or some shit and and

[1:18:25] archie would be like hey what are you doing teabagging all those overwatch characters

[1:18:29] so it was like i just killed stewart's character and i had to celebrate

[1:18:35] finish the man bat missions so caleb meanwhile he just starts arming hebrews with weapons that

[1:18:42] he found and he tries to get samson to lead hey guess what samson says no i'm not gonna samson

[1:18:48] get your shit together come on uh he's too busy flirting with delilah in the woods but she is

[1:18:54] still reluctantly working for prince rala oh they had that uh they had that scheduled uh they had

[1:19:00] that scheduled walk where they uh like threw themselves at trees to hold on to for balance

[1:19:06] and have flirty conversation yeah about freedom and gods and things like that there's a little

[1:19:11] bit of there's a little bit of like um light bondage being hinted at in this i think she says

[1:19:17] she wants to tie him down with you know a rope but you know a new kind of rope or something yeah

[1:19:22] because what she really means is children she'll tie him down the umbilical cord yeah yeah i think

[1:19:29] it which which i say only as a joke because i love having kids it's the most having a son and

[1:19:34] expecting another son they're the greatest miracles of my life that's only and i love my wife dearly

[1:19:39] and i'd be with her even we didn't have kids but i'm glad we do elliot that's a moment of

[1:19:42] just sheer sincerity for me i was gonna ask if people who don't have kids do do we know what

[1:19:47] love is uh i mean we certainly don't understand the handmaiden sale no that's people don't have

[1:19:53] kids uh i mean there's certain types of love you'll never know but i'm sure you'll know the

[1:19:58] love of a tasty bucket of popcorn that's true yeah you'll you'll know and you'll also i mean

[1:20:04] you'll also know the love of having a schedule free of real big responsibilities where you can

[1:20:10] just go see a movie whenever you want because i can't do that that's a special kind of love you'll

[1:20:15] know the love of having an extra five hundred thousand dollars in your pocket because you're

[1:20:18] not paying for some kid to go to school for a degree in what modern dance yeah excuse me sammy

[1:20:24] you're gonna learn classical dance if you're gonna get a dance degree i love the idea that

[1:20:28] if one does not have a child

[1:20:30] one saves that extra

[1:20:32] $500,000

[1:20:33] one is like oh

[1:20:36] look at this money

[1:20:37] it's just piling up

[1:20:40] what are you spending it on Dan

[1:20:41] we're just spending it all on

[1:20:43] sadness alcohol

[1:20:44] that's true to fill the hole

[1:20:47] that would be filled with the love of a child

[1:20:49] a child who spends a lot of the day

[1:20:51] screaming at you saying this is too hard

[1:20:53] I don't want to do it when all you're asking

[1:20:55] him to do is like hey draw a picture for fun

[1:20:57] anyway so parenting what are you gonna do i got a tight five minutes on parenting that i think

[1:21:01] i'll get into now hey we're the parents in the audience i'm glad that you you snuck in the what

[1:21:07] what do we call the jewish catchphrase what are you gonna do

[1:21:10] yeah yep uh so delilah is taunting samson she's like i wish i could bind you and he goes nothing

[1:21:18] can bind me but new ropes uh ropes of souls i guess uh but it's really like it it's pretty hot

[1:21:25] right it's like like this is a story that like has a sex element to it like sex is a part of

[1:21:32] this story but because of the christian audience this thing has to be so like cold super tepid

[1:21:39] yeah yeah like even in the brothel everyone is wearing smocks and helmets like yeah this is not

[1:21:44] a game of thrones brothel where there's just nude extras walking around being a human flesh

[1:21:49] wallpaper this is like yeah everyone everyone in the brothel is wearing like a rain poncho yeah

[1:21:54] it's like it's like this is a story about you know a sexual temptation but nothing can be sexy at all

[1:22:02] because uh the audience does not want it yeah well because we're gonna show this in a sunday

[1:22:06] school class of course yeah this is like yeah when the sunday school teachers hung over they

[1:22:09] put on samson it's also it's also one of those things where it's like we cannot show a hint of

[1:22:14] anything sexual can we show a man bludgeoning to death a thousand men yeah go for it just do it

[1:22:19] just go for it i mean that's kind of sexual yeah sure okay uh so delilah makes samson fall to the

[1:22:29] dead ass bone though yeah jordan is all about dead ass i'm all about dead ass bone so delilah

[1:22:39] makes samson fall into the same trap taryn made of all she goes how can we be in love if you keep

[1:22:44] secrets from me he's like all right here are my rules i can't touch dead people i can't drink and

[1:22:49] i can't cut my hair and i already broke two of the vows so i love my hair i'm done that he falls for

[1:22:55] the same shit two times like it's the same rationale just like samson we can't keep any

[1:23:01] secrets from each other i mean like all right making him jump through a hoop so he can seal

[1:23:06] the deal you know what i'm talking about yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna posit a new this is let's call

[1:23:11] this elliot samson theorem which is i think samson is a little dumb yeah it's a little dumb and maybe

[1:23:17] and it's like that doesn't surprise me his mate his he's not famously wise like solomon and he's

[1:23:23] not famously cunning like david he is famously strong and not exactly and he's not like no matter

[1:23:29] how many crappy riddle contests he wins with his i mean that's why he comes up with a bad riddle

[1:23:34] That fucking riddle, dude.

[1:23:36] It's like if you were in a riddle contest with a dumb person,

[1:23:38] they were like, here's my riddle.

[1:23:40] Feathers plus a can?

[1:23:43] Solve it.

[1:23:45] Like, you're not going to be able to solve that

[1:23:46] because it makes no sense.

[1:23:48] It's unsolvable.

[1:23:48] And also, like, no riddle should end with you shouting,

[1:23:51] solve it, my face.

[1:23:53] That's part of the riddle.

[1:23:55] Look, that's what old Jasper the Riddle Man,

[1:23:58] who, if you're going to cross his prospecting bridge,

[1:24:02] you've got to solve his riddle.

[1:24:03] Otherwise, he just comes up with another riddle and gives you a chance to solve it.

[1:24:07] I want to believe, I think Samson is not very bright.

[1:24:10] Yeah, I mean, he's had, God has been telling him what he wants this whole time.

[1:24:14] And he's like, but I tried not to drink wine or touch dead people or cut my hair.

[1:24:20] I'm doing everything you asked for.

[1:24:23] God's like, don't cut your hair, don't drink wine, don't touch the dead, lead your tribe to freedom.

[1:24:28] I did all that, except for the freedom part.

[1:24:32] But that's probably a minor thing, right?

[1:24:33] I'm refusing to do for some reason.

[1:24:35] But I've been straight edge my entire life.

[1:24:38] That's got to count for something, right, God?

[1:24:39] I killed all those foxes.

[1:24:41] Do you think those are bad?

[1:24:42] I thought you did.

[1:24:43] I thought you were anti-fox.

[1:24:46] That's why you made them so, you know,

[1:24:48] cute, I guess.

[1:24:49] So she's like, ah, cutting the hair off, okay.

[1:24:53] So the Philistines go and attack the Hebrews.

[1:24:56] Delilah is, meanwhile, she drugs Samson with some,

[1:25:00] maybe she put like a zinc tablet in his water

[1:25:02] I don't know

[1:25:02] and she cuts off his hair

[1:25:05] she cuts off his terrible wig

[1:25:06] I mean I wish it was just her removing the wig

[1:25:09] boy if you want Samson to fall asleep

[1:25:11] she should have shown him Samson

[1:25:13] this movie

[1:25:15] was a little dull

[1:25:18] good job

[1:25:19] I mean in the original story Dan

[1:25:21] does she drug him

[1:25:23] I always assumed that they have sex

[1:25:25] and then while he's sleeping after sex

[1:25:26] I do not know that

[1:25:28] yeah it's as if she's the perfect drug

[1:25:31] I do not know that

[1:25:31] I do know that it's a lot more

[1:25:35] biblical in that it's like

[1:25:36] she asks him three times

[1:25:38] and then like the third time

[1:25:40] he tells her you know like that kind of

[1:25:42] story construction

[1:25:44] as opposed to here where she asks him once

[1:25:47] and he's like yeah here let me tell you about it

[1:25:49] here's my

[1:25:50] trading card lists all my weaknesses

[1:25:52] and strengths there are my power stats

[1:25:54] strength 10 durability

[1:25:56] affiliation juice

[1:25:58] first appearance book of judges and uh yeah intelligence is a one so please don't take

[1:26:06] advantage of that that says on the bottom fun fact only weaknesses his hair can be

[1:26:09] affiliation jews comma x-force he's like under special skills yeah under special skills it

[1:26:17] should say riddling but for some reason it isn't on there i'll just write that in how do you spell

[1:26:23] forget it anyway

[1:26:24] so this is from

[1:26:27] Marvel Universe Series 4

[1:26:29] so all the cards go together to make

[1:26:31] one big page if you put the nine

[1:26:33] around it together in your binder sleeves

[1:26:36] I was on a page with

[1:26:37] my other X-Force buddies

[1:26:39] Cable, Feral, Domino

[1:26:42] Boom Boom, Cannonball

[1:26:44] and Strife

[1:26:46] was in the middle and we're all fighting him

[1:26:47] so anyway

[1:26:48] Was it Warpath?

[1:26:50] Who was the Native American guy?

[1:26:52] Yeah, Warpath, because he was the brother of Thunderbird.

[1:26:54] He wore Thunderbird's costume.

[1:26:57] X-Force, number one, a comic book I bought five copies of as a kid

[1:27:01] because they each came with a different trading card.

[1:27:03] Guys, I can't believe I'm on the Fluff House.

[1:27:07] Anyway, guys, we've been talking about this for a while.

[1:27:11] So let's just say Samson instantly loses his strength.

[1:27:14] The guards come to take him away in a scene that is less active

[1:27:20] than the Caravaggio painting of Samson being taken away,

[1:27:24] which is a brilliant painting

[1:27:27] and manages in it being a static image

[1:27:29] to have more motion and energy than this live action film.

[1:27:31] Ooh, burn.

[1:27:32] So take that.

[1:27:33] And Caravaggio, I'm going to give you some points for this one.

[1:27:36] Points, points, points.

[1:27:37] And the winner is Caravaggio.

[1:27:39] There's a cheer for Caravaggio, a jeer for this movie.

[1:27:43] Yeah, on the hot sheet, Caravaggio hot.

[1:27:47] Oh, man. And I got to say another jeer for Delilah's haircutting skills.

[1:27:53] Oh, boy.

[1:27:54] Gives him a bowl cut.

[1:27:56] Rallo, he's he wastes no time in using his sword to poke out Samson's eyes.

[1:28:02] And there's a moment before he does that where Samson with short hair looks like Michael Ian Black in the Louis sketch where Louis is at the Last Supper.

[1:28:12] And I was like, OK, Michael Ian Black's Jewish for a moment.

[1:28:14] Samson looks kind of Jewish.

[1:28:16] samson and caleb are chained up in the dungeon and the prince is like how do i get your power

[1:28:20] tell god to give me your strength and samson's like i don't know how to explain this to you but

[1:28:25] this is a different kind of god who does things through like ethnic race in a way like he chose

[1:28:32] us believe me if we could have a low frills no no head games god like dagon we would be with

[1:28:39] a chill no drama god dagon is super 420 friendly he's super he is he has super chill laid back

[1:28:47] dagon just tells you what he wants and then you do it not like our hebrew god who is a bit look

[1:28:52] you gotta guess a lot he's always making you win you know he's always challenging you and forcing

[1:28:56] you to earn it and it's like at a certain point hey i'm not i can't put the same passion into

[1:29:02] this worship that i did when i was young you know when we were going out every time and i was

[1:29:07] worshiping multiple times a night now maybe once a week i just look i'm getting older now i'm samson

[1:29:12] anyway so he's like that's not how it works the prince argues with his dad about what to do with

[1:29:17] samson and shades of gladiator the prince kills the king immediately takes the burger king cardboard

[1:29:22] crown puts on his head and at that point i'm like i'm checked out i'm just gonna watch the trailer

[1:29:27] for the new fucking neil breen movie was was the the triggering event of the checkout that

[1:29:34] billy zane was no longer in the movie yeah of course okay i just wanted to clarify that the

[1:29:38] heart of the movie is billy zane doing billy zane all of his scenes that i assume they shot in one

[1:29:44] day maybe two days he's like i wonder what it's like to be a dad i think i'd be stern

[1:29:52] and you know that billy zane wasn't around for a while because all of his scenes are on the same

[1:29:57] set they're all in his throne room uh delilah freeze samson and caleb and samson's like okay

[1:30:02] i get it i'm ready to fight i finally know what god wants me to do and it's like oh really now

[1:30:08] you now okay it took you being okay your dad was killed your wife was killed your people will be

[1:30:15] fox genocide you killed a bunch of foxes uh you they poked out your eyes after cutting off your

[1:30:21] hair and stealing your strength he also killed a he also killed a thousand men and he killed a

[1:30:26] thousand men but now you understand okay then uh so in dagon's temple the prince he goes allow me

[1:30:32] to introduce my special guest

[1:30:34] and he calls Samson

[1:30:35] a special guest

[1:30:36] which is another great

[1:30:36] anachronistic moment.

[1:30:37] Musical guest, Samson!

[1:30:41] And now it's time

[1:30:43] for the Prince's Dagon ceremony.

[1:30:45] Feet, Samson!

[1:30:46] And floor to the machine.

[1:30:48] So when he's being taken

[1:30:51] to this ceremony,

[1:30:52] we see his brother.

[1:30:54] Did his brother get released

[1:30:55] and just he can do

[1:30:56] whatever the fuck he wants?

[1:30:57] Well, yeah, Caleb escapes.

[1:30:59] I mean, Delilah lets them both go

[1:31:00] and Caleb just runs away.

[1:31:02] But he comes back for the ceremony and like, you got to recognize that beard, dude.

[1:31:07] It's huge.

[1:31:08] They don't recognize him because he's got a hood over his head.

[1:31:10] Oh, cool.

[1:31:12] Okay.

[1:31:12] And everyone's like, as shown earlier by the scene where Samson is leering at two fully

[1:31:17] covered up women at a well, robes and hoods are pretty sexy back in that time.

[1:31:23] So people are like, say, who's the hood?

[1:31:25] And a guy with sunglasses looks down over the lenses.

[1:31:28] And you hear, yep.

[1:31:29] Yeah.

[1:31:31] and so uh day so they chain samson up they flog him for a while everyone cheers this goes on for

[1:31:39] a while and hey guess what samson does i'll give you one guest people at home you guess praise to

[1:31:44] god for strength you got it that's exactly what he does this is one special move and as a lightning

[1:31:50] storm rages he slowly pushes over the plaster of paris temple pillars and these two pillars this

[1:31:56] is an enormous temple it's huge these two pillars seem to be the only load-bearing pillars in the

[1:32:00] entire building because the whole temple collapses delilah is crushed by a rock and dagon statue and

[1:32:06] she doesn't even get like a final shot like no it's just somebody else probably wearing her wig

[1:32:12] getting crushed by a rock yeah it's and i wonder if originally they were like oh we want delilah

[1:32:18] to escape so she can be in the sequel and then ah forget it we'll just crush her and then there's

[1:32:22] this dagon statue on top of the hotel on top of the temple and what i love is it kind of like

[1:32:27] hops down and then it falls

[1:32:30] onto the prince and it's a little bit

[1:32:32] like that would happen in a movie and the

[1:32:33] implication would be like oh the god that he

[1:32:35] that he abandoned has gotten his

[1:32:37] revenge but I don't think the Christian movie I don't think

[1:32:39] it's supposed to be like psych Dagon was real

[1:32:41] and he's mad now the whole place

[1:32:43] now we fight CGI Dagon come on

[1:32:45] this is the end the movie needed

[1:32:47] they're all crushed by the temples this is your other

[1:32:49] Marquis Samson moment is when he pushes the

[1:32:51] pillars over while we're all waiting for it

[1:32:53] we don't even see Samson get crushed he just

[1:32:55] wiggles between these two fucking cardboard

[1:32:57] pillars and then it's over and then you have a little vo from caleb sounding very audio boothy

[1:33:04] it really sounds like it was recorded in a small cupboard somewhere and he says samson died it's

[1:33:11] like a podcast before he starts to hear caleb say can we swear on this and then he starts talking

[1:33:18] about stamps.com yeah he doesn't he doesn't ask sam's.com which is like do we do are we

[1:33:25] sam's.com sam's.com sends you a free scale to measure the jawbones you'll be mailing

[1:33:31] sorry stewie you were saying he's like i haven't listened before do we do characters on this

[1:33:38] so we've started we started recording or yeah yeah we just started anyway uh so i first started

[1:33:44] acting when i was 16 years old he gets on immediately apologizes for the audio quality

[1:33:49] trying out a new mic so uh and he says samson inspired us and then we rose up into battle we

[1:33:57] hebrews and then it goes and eventually we would have a heat a jewish king when on the field of

[1:34:04] battle a giant philistine goliath would face david and you just see king david david the shepherd boy

[1:34:11] his feet walking along like as this like with a sling hanging down and then it cuts to black as

[1:34:16] he's about to hurl the rocket goliath and it's like was that just a tease for the next movie

[1:34:21] in the jewish cinematic universe david like the jcu is gonna move up we've got a 10-year plan

[1:34:27] the justice league yeah the justice league yes it's uh david v goliath dawn of justice sure yeah

[1:34:34] and uh and then jobe comes up uh hey room for one more he's like you think you've seen suffering

[1:34:42] and uh so it's like that when people like it's weird they started the marvel u cinema

[1:34:48] universe with iron man that people are going to look back and like it's kind of weird that

[1:34:50] samson started out as the first movie but then and nobody knew that black panther which i guess

[1:34:55] would be the story of uh i guess sammy davis jr or that was like that that would be the biggest

[1:35:02] hit of all but uh it really it was like it was like they felt like they knew the story of samson

[1:35:07] is super unsatisfying so they were like uh let's throw in a little bit of another story you know

[1:35:12] uh king david right everybody loves him don't they are you saying that like a guy committing

[1:35:18] suicide by pulling pillars down on himself at the end isn't a satisfying ending after he's been

[1:35:23] blinded yeah i mean it could be a satisfying ending if they had if they had built up to it

[1:35:28] properly or if the movie was any good it did feel a little bit like uh they would like uh the they're

[1:35:34] watching people watch the test audience watching the movie they're like okay don't like samson

[1:35:38] not crazy about the samson well uh what about this guy he looks cool doesn't he hey what about

[1:35:44] this like giants right and killing them they pull a real they pull a real hogan family on the on it

[1:35:49] where they're like oh it's about king david now it's no longer about samson samson left all right

[1:35:54] guys uh we've gone on about as long as a normal episode just talking about the movie so we gotta

[1:36:01] speed through our final judgments we'll edit out all the bad jokes okay yeah we usually edit these

[1:36:07] pretty heavily right that's right uh edit out the bubble promo people are tired of those

[1:36:12] what i love is that people are gonna be like oh this is a long episode it's like two and a half

[1:36:17] powers it must have been a special movie samson what so dan are we doing final judgments final

[1:36:26] judgments this is a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie you kind of like i'm just gonna say it's

[1:36:31] a bad bad movie it was boring stewart oh man it was so fucking boring oh it's bad but those wigs

[1:36:36] and beards and billy zane i i was i'm on the stewart boat with this one bad bad movie until

[1:36:42] that those beards showed up and then i was like i'm gonna get a marginal good bad wait stick with

[1:36:46] it till the beards it'll it's worth your while yeah i think if you're into like christian kitsch

[1:36:52] if you you know like kind of goofing on you know well-meaning but backwards uh christian

[1:36:58] entertainment i there's some fun to be had so uh a good bad under the right circumstances yeah

[1:37:03] dan's just dragging it because he doesn't like that fucking sweet riddle but you better watch

[1:37:07] that for that riddle i'm so angry about that riddle and it's not even the movie's fault dan

[1:37:14] like you said that's from the original source yeah back when they know how a riddle should be

[1:37:19] no honestly like the thing i like the most about the movie is that it's true to the bible because

[1:37:23] like that makes it wacky in a way that the movie like i kind of assumed that the movie would just

[1:37:29] be using the bible as a jumping off point for some total like fantasy bullshit yeah and like

[1:37:36] no they kept in all the weird stuff like tying torches to foxes and making them run through

[1:37:43] fields yeah so it feels like it feels like they could have used a few more writers in that writer's

[1:37:51] room is what you're saying about the bible huh i think that the bible had plenty of writers in the

[1:37:56] writer's room i think if there's one thing we can say about the bible writing down what god said

[1:38:01] actually to be honest uh i mean the bible had it was pulled from many different sources by many

[1:38:05] different people over centuries but uh i do like the idea because it is very close to working in a

[1:38:10] tv writer's room that moses was sitting at a tablet carving whatever god just dictated to

[1:38:16] him while god paced around the room god's writer's assistant and occasionally just picked out of a

[1:38:20] big bowl of candy it was like oh yeah okay doing bumps joe joe now joe uh yeah joe something now

[1:38:29] they kill his kids too oh and all his cattle hey put that in no no no put the cattle first

[1:38:33] no wait okay move that around no no take out that period make that a comma and moses is like i'm

[1:38:38] carving this into tablets like it's very hard for me to make changes on the fly like this

[1:38:42] but that's what it was like in the bible's writer's room they're like hey do you think

[1:38:47] we've we've landed on the trope of not being able to trust women too many times now put the story in

[1:38:53] hi everybody i'm your oldest brother justin mcelroy i'm your middle-aged brother travis

[1:39:02] mcelroy and i'm your sweet baby brother griffin mcelroy me and three thousand your closest friends

[1:39:07] just found your next podcast obsession.

[1:39:09] Serial.

[1:39:11] Okay, but like the second best podcast.

[1:39:14] 99% Serial.

[1:39:17] Oh, f***.

[1:39:17] Just listen to My Brother, My Brother and Me

[1:39:19] on MaximumFun.org.

[1:39:20] There you go.

[1:39:21] Perfect.

[1:39:22] Perfect.

[1:39:22] Thank you.

[1:39:23] You probably know that MaxFun podcasters

[1:39:34] are funny in the talking way.

[1:39:36] But did you know they also are funny in the writing way?

[1:39:38] We are very excited to announce that John Hodgman and Paula Poundstone

[1:39:43] wrote books that have been named as semifinalists

[1:39:45] for the 2018 Thurber Prize for American Humor.

[1:39:49] John Hodgman, celebrated fake internet court presider,

[1:39:52] is the host of Judge John Hodgman and was recognized for his book Vacationland.

[1:39:57] Paula Poundstone's book is called

[1:39:59] The Totally Unscientific Study of the Search for Human Happiness,

[1:40:03] And you can hear her expound on happiness and many other topics on her new podcast, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone.

[1:40:10] The Thurber Prize is one of the highest awards for humor writing in the United States.

[1:40:14] And we are proud to have both these authors on Maximum Fun every week.

[1:40:19] Paula Poundstone and John Hodgman, congratulations.

[1:40:28] all right uh but moving on to our uh beloved sponsors we have but one sponsor tonight

[1:40:37] and that hold on dan hold on a second uh for a moment i thought you were saying our sponsors

[1:40:43] then called but one and i don't even know what business that would be we got very excited

[1:40:50] who is our real sponsor our real sponsor is blue apron blue apron delivers fresh

[1:40:57] pre-proportioned ingredients

[1:40:59] and step-by-step

[1:41:00] recipes. Pre-portioned. Why did I say

[1:41:03] pre-proportioned? I don't know.

[1:41:05] I mean, pre-proportioned works too. It's the proportion

[1:41:07] of the different ingredients to each other. Just keep working.

[1:41:09] That's true. Let's keep going. Step-by-step

[1:41:11] recipes right to your door. They can be cooked in

[1:41:13] under... It's not like you said pre-porpoise.

[1:41:14] That would be crazy.

[1:41:16] Dan, you're saying they give you

[1:41:19] the ingredients straight to your door. It's already

[1:41:21] measured out in the proper portions. And then what

[1:41:23] kind of ingredients are these? What kind of food? Tell me more.

[1:41:25] Just talking about these ingredients, Dan's slobbering all over his shirt.

[1:41:28] He's going to have to change his shirt.

[1:41:30] I don't know what kind of...

[1:41:33] I mean, you got things like seared chicken and tangy barbecue sauce

[1:41:38] and juicy cheeseburgers with spicy slaw.

[1:41:40] You're making me skip around in the copy.

[1:41:43] That's the problem.

[1:41:44] Oh, I apologize, sir.

[1:41:46] You're right, because this is the first Blue Apron spot we've done before.

[1:41:48] No, no.

[1:41:51] I apologize for throwing you off and trying to bring some life into this read.

[1:41:55] With my genuine enthusiasm for Blue Apron and the food that it delivers, which I think is really good.

[1:42:01] I do, too.

[1:42:01] Yeah, it's a really good product and company.

[1:42:03] But, Dan, continue.

[1:42:04] What else does it say?

[1:42:07] Look, I don't need to go through all the deals.

[1:42:12] Blue Apron is a delicious meal service that the beauty of it is, here's one thing that's great about Blue Apron.

[1:42:22] You buy things for regular recipe.

[1:42:26] You're buying greens for regular recipe.

[1:42:28] You've got all this extra shit lying around.

[1:42:31] You know, you buy, like, some parsley.

[1:42:33] And then you've got a whole head of parsley.

[1:42:36] And you're like, what am I going to make with all this parsley?

[1:42:38] Tabouli?

[1:42:39] I don't think so.

[1:42:40] Here's a situation I've been in.

[1:42:41] I think we all have been.

[1:42:42] What am I going to do with the rest of this xanthan gum?

[1:42:45] I don't have a use for all this xanthan gum.

[1:42:47] Why do I need so much of it?

[1:42:49] Too much cardamom.

[1:42:50] Yeah.

[1:42:52] Blue Apron just gives you exactly the amount of food you need

[1:42:55] to make the food that you want, all right?

[1:42:58] Uh-huh, and less waste.

[1:43:00] That sounds great.

[1:43:01] Yeah.

[1:43:02] Less waste, more haste.

[1:43:03] It's wonderful.

[1:43:04] So check out this week's menu

[1:43:06] and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com

[1:43:09] slash flophouse.

[1:43:10] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse

[1:43:13] to get your first three meals free.

[1:43:16] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

[1:43:19] Yeah.

[1:43:20] And I'll just say it.

[1:43:22] You don't have to get it just for yourself.

[1:43:23] You know somebody who's going to have trouble cooking for themselves.

[1:43:26] Maybe they're going to have a baby.

[1:43:28] Maybe they're recovering from, I don't know, being injured or something like that.

[1:43:33] Or maybe, just maybe, they're really stressed out and they've got a lot going on

[1:43:36] and you want to help take some of the pressure off of them.

[1:43:38] Get them some Blue Apron stuff.

[1:43:40] Or maybe your parents just want to treat and feel like millennials for a change.

[1:43:45] You know?

[1:43:50] By having Blue Apron, that's what's going to make them feel like millennials?

[1:43:52] Yeah, get them the avocado package or whatever.

[1:43:54] All right.

[1:43:55] So now it's time for letters from listeners.

[1:44:01] I'm going to abbreviate this a little bit, just do a couple.

[1:44:04] Wow, edit them, okay.

[1:44:06] I mean, that's the kind of thing you don't even have to announce.

[1:44:08] That's the kind of thing you can just do.

[1:44:14] And because we're running late, I won't sing a song.

[1:44:18] I'll sing two songs next time, maybe.

[1:44:20] oh okay all right jordan and i had this really cool thing planned we did it was there's harmonies

[1:44:24] and everything oh it was elaborate we were it was a real weeks yeah it was like a boys to men song

[1:44:28] oh yeah it was i mean it was a parody of a boys to men song but it was really good yeah it was

[1:44:33] called motown philistine it was not about letters yeah is that the one from uh lethal weapon part

[1:44:41] three uh probably sure okay maybe let me hold on wait it's uh but one boys two men lethal weapon

[1:44:50] three yeah yeah it all works all right so damn letters yeah this first one is from daniel last

[1:44:56] name withheld mccoy all right dear dan you're my favorite i love you love me i mean a listener

[1:45:04] the listener guessed that you were going to go with day lewis but uh oh that's fair

[1:45:10] i mean he's incredibly successful though right wait what i'm just saying that like

[1:45:17] it's not it's not that close like dan mccoy i don't get what you're saying like his eye is

[1:45:24] finally on a downward i mean in my field i've kind of reached the i mean like one of the like

[1:45:29] the highest letos you could yeah i mean that's what you're yeah you're the daniel day lewis of

[1:45:34] topical comedy staff writing anyway dan what's the letter say all right uh this one says green

[1:45:40] do you were the dan you're the daniel day lewis of podcasting and you've just been inhabiting this

[1:45:45] dan mccoy character all this time uh-huh in some ways i am inhabiting a dan mccoy character but go

[1:45:52] on it's like if somebody if if if a guy named stewart wrote in and he thought we were all

[1:45:58] gonna guess stewart pankin character stewart character stewart pankin not necessarily news

[1:46:03] character it's the same equivalent who we all remember everyone recalls comedy character

[1:46:10] actor stewart pankin yeah uh it's the same thing is what i'm trying to say now i hold on a second

[1:46:19] top of his game sort of guy you you vamp while i look up stewart pankin now why read the letter

[1:46:26] dan second sight dan all right hold on no uh sorry dan if you're looking if you want to know

[1:46:34] if he gave if he gave his name to panko crumbs no he did not that'd be under that'd be under

[1:46:41] trivia or his his most recent connectors pages have goofs his most recent credit is he was in

[1:46:49] something called see ya which is a tv series apparently uh-huh he was in one i wouldn't want

[1:46:54] to be yeah he was this is what the letter writer wrote in about yeah he's like yeah you don't have

[1:47:09] time to read all my letter he was in one episode where he played a character called morris

[1:47:15] presumably a cat of some kind yeah i can only assume um anyway cool okay so we got that covered

[1:47:23] So that's the first letter.

[1:47:24] Thanks for that letter.

[1:47:25] No, he writes,

[1:47:27] In September, I will be making my first ever trip to New York.

[1:47:30] I've already planned out the Flophouse experience.

[1:47:33] A beer at Hinterland's Bar, Stuart.

[1:47:36] Yeah, I support that.

[1:47:37] Getting the Kalen special at Popeye's.

[1:47:39] Four-piece mild, biscuit, red beans, and rice.

[1:47:42] No drink.

[1:47:43] No drink.

[1:47:44] But eat that biscuit up.

[1:47:46] It's good stuff.

[1:47:46] That counts as the drink.

[1:47:47] And, I don't know, sitting on a park bench.

[1:47:52] And, I don't know, sitting on a park bench questioning my own existence, Dan.

[1:47:55] So, I was wondering if there...

[1:47:58] No, no, no.

[1:47:58] Dan does that in his apartment.

[1:48:00] Okay.

[1:48:01] I go to the park sometimes.

[1:48:03] That's true.

[1:48:04] Okay, good.

[1:48:04] You're right.

[1:48:05] I apologize.

[1:48:05] That's when you, like, throw the bread on the ground and the pigeons don't eat it.

[1:48:09] Yeah, because Dan is Ziggy.

[1:48:11] Anyway.

[1:48:15] Anyway, Ziggy, continue.

[1:48:17] Boy, I will not answer to Ziggy, sir.

[1:48:22] okay dan continue with the letter i apologize so i was wondering if there were any movie related

[1:48:28] activities you would recommend any famous shooting locations worth checking out any particular

[1:48:32] theaters to visit keep up with the great work and i look forward to being too shy to talk to

[1:48:37] stewart if he's working when i visit but i'm sure my girlfriend will talk to him that's from daniel

[1:48:42] a lot of the a lot of the movie set sites that i used to go by have

[1:48:47] changed because new york has changed so much over the past five ten years uh i don't think

[1:48:54] if there are any in particular that are still around like they used to be like a ton of the

[1:48:58] shooting sites for taxi driver used to be around and they're they're all gone you can take the uh

[1:49:03] you can still take the sex in the city tour that's true i'll give you that i mean go on

[1:49:10] no no i was just going to talk about the brooklyn pizza tour but he's probably going to be spending

[1:49:13] most of his time in Manhattan.

[1:49:14] You can go see that fucking Ghostbusters

[1:49:17] house. Yeah, Ghostbusters house is still

[1:49:19] there, right? Ghostbusters house?

[1:49:21] Yeah, it's where they all live. It's a fucking house.

[1:49:23] It's their house that they live in.

[1:49:24] I don't know if that's the way I would define it.

[1:49:27] After they busted ghosts.

[1:49:28] They sleep there? They live in the firehouse.

[1:49:30] They sleep there? Yeah, because they don't have any other place to go.

[1:49:33] Because they were kicked out of their homes.

[1:49:34] If you call what

[1:49:37] Ray Stans is doing, sleeping.

[1:49:39] Where does Ray have his

[1:49:41] blowjob dreams if not in that firehouse exactly uh blowjob dreams i remember when that was part

[1:49:48] of the tnbc saturday morning lineup after saved by the bell uh so but uh i mean there's a lot of

[1:49:54] great i mean if you look up uh like new york shooting locations online you'll find a lot of

[1:50:00] great stuff you know there are a lot of things that are still there that are worth seeing and

[1:50:05] worth doing i mean if you look up new york shooting locations online you might get the

[1:50:09] wrong thing oh boy hey if you're coming out to la buddy come on out to universal studios ride the

[1:50:15] movies yeah best the furious the ride if you're looking for like beyond just like uh places where

[1:50:23] movies were shot in new york and you just want movie stuff you should go to the museum of the

[1:50:30] moving image uh on queens yeah and check out they've they've still got the i believe that

[1:50:36] the Jim Henson exhibit is now a permanent exhibit up there and it's a great

[1:50:40] exhibit.

[1:50:41] And you were also,

[1:50:43] Dan was telling me he he you're a big fan of movie props.

[1:50:48] So you're always going to planet Hollywood.

[1:50:50] That's right.

[1:50:51] Yeah.

[1:50:52] I don't know if you've heard about this little indie restaurant called planet

[1:50:56] Hollywood.

[1:50:56] I will say if you're interested in a little bit of New York history,

[1:51:02] then why not go to Brooklyn and go to the New York transit museum where,

[1:51:06] You'll see an amazing collection of antique subway cars.

[1:51:08] And it's in the tunnels where they shot my favorite movie,

[1:51:11] The Taking of Pelham 123.

[1:51:13] Great.

[1:51:15] Can I, can, he should just go to Clamp Tower, right?

[1:51:19] From Gremlins 2.

[1:51:20] I don't know how to break this to you, Stuart.

[1:51:23] You keep saying you're going to take me there, Dan,

[1:51:25] but I think you're lying.

[1:51:25] Yeah, because you really want to see one of those shows being filmed, right?

[1:51:29] Yeah, I want to see one of the,

[1:51:30] I want to hope to see a Gremlin.

[1:51:33] I love the idea that Stuart has his whole day planned at Clam Tower.

[1:51:36] First, we're going to go see the shows.

[1:51:38] Frozen yogurt later.

[1:51:40] We're going to take the tour.

[1:51:42] I hope Peter Cates is giving it.

[1:51:44] But not too late.

[1:51:45] You know what I mean?

[1:51:47] I don't want to eat that frozen yogurt after midnight.

[1:51:49] Oh, boy.

[1:51:50] Or you might turn into a crabby gremlin.

[1:51:53] Sure.

[1:51:54] Is that what you call Sammy when he gets mad?

[1:51:57] It will be from now on.

[1:51:59] I hadn't thought about that.

[1:52:02] So this is the next letter.

[1:52:04] It's from Clint, last name withheld.

[1:52:06] It's titled, subject, baby's first movie, Re-Animator.

[1:52:13] Interesting parenting ideas.

[1:52:16] Weird sequel to Baby Stay Out.

[1:52:18] As my subject indicates, my three-month-old daughter's first ever movie was Re-Animator.

[1:52:24] To defend myself, I was late-night feeding and foggy-brained, wanted to watch something besides a dark wall.

[1:52:31] reanimator popped onto my laptop and i was midway finished when i glanced down and noticed my

[1:52:36] daughter staring intently with me it felt like a precious moment and we co-viewed the movie all

[1:52:42] the way through and have since watched castle freak and texas chainsaw massacre 2 together

[1:52:46] from start to finish yeah you gotta see one before you see two i mean showing them two

[1:52:51] take that kid away we tried coco and toy story movies i also love but baby charlotte lasted a

[1:53:00] mere 20 minutes into either my theory is there's something about the mood lining of 80s horror

[1:53:05] i know castle freak is 95 but it feels like 80s that soothes her versus the frenetic energy of

[1:53:11] pixar i'm worried about my choice in films as did as was my wife but i argue that they make no

[1:53:18] meaningful sense to my daughter yet all the blood and separate heads are just color splashes and

[1:53:23] shapes my question is elliot what was and or will be your children's first movies congrats on your

[1:53:31] second by the way oh thank you and for dan and stew what would you recommend for other people's

[1:53:36] children or yours if when in the future i'm thinking not of appropriate kiddie movies but

[1:53:42] actual adult films perhaps even horror flop till you die clint okay i will say uh this reminded me

[1:53:49] of my first movie are we supposed to wreck am i supposed to recommend an adult film yeah my kids

[1:53:54] first movie will be real sex 4 oh that's one of the good ones yeah real sex 4 is hot uh when i

[1:54:02] was a baby apparently my first movie that i ever attended was a screening of atlantic city the louis

[1:54:07] mall movie because my parents took me and my sister as little babies uh to go see it and apparently

[1:54:13] my sister couldn't stop crying they had to take her out of theater but me was pretty engrossed

[1:54:17] in the story of, what, Burt Lancaster and Susan Sarandon,

[1:54:20] I've never seen Atlantic City as an adult.

[1:54:22] I'd only seen it as a baby.

[1:54:23] My son, I don't remember what his first full-length movie,

[1:54:29] the first movie he ever saw in the theaters was Cars 3.

[1:54:32] That's the first feature film he saw in the theater.

[1:54:34] He's crazy for cars, right?

[1:54:36] He loves cars.

[1:54:37] He loves cars.

[1:54:38] Both the thing and the movies.

[1:54:41] And the movie.

[1:54:41] And he, actually, Jordan came over before,

[1:54:45] he's over recording my house and Sammy was sure to tell him a lot about his

[1:54:49] favorite characters from the cars movies.

[1:54:50] And Jordan,

[1:54:52] what did you have to say about those characters?

[1:54:54] Were you,

[1:54:55] were you dogging on them?

[1:54:56] Were you not into them?

[1:54:57] Oh man,

[1:54:57] I ripped the cars of hers apart.

[1:54:59] I made Sammy cry.

[1:55:00] It was terrible.

[1:55:02] Terrible.

[1:55:02] I'm like Shrek forever,

[1:55:03] baby.

[1:55:04] If you're not down with Shrek,

[1:55:05] you're not down with me.

[1:55:07] And then I pushed him into mud.

[1:55:08] Oh,

[1:55:09] why'd you do that?

[1:55:09] And then he said,

[1:55:10] and then,

[1:55:11] and then he started crouching and standing and crouching.

[1:55:14] Yes.

[1:55:15] Yes, I teabagged Elliot's son because he isn't into Shrek enough.

[1:55:18] I think his first movie that he ever saw might have been the Wizard of Oz, but skipping past the witch scenes.

[1:55:26] And now my son and I are on a project.

[1:55:30] We're watching all the Marx Brothers movies in chronological order.

[1:55:32] And we just finished A Day at the Races.

[1:55:34] So you know what that means.

[1:55:36] The movie is about to get bad.

[1:55:38] Hello, room service.

[1:55:41] Room service is okay.

[1:55:44] It's just based on a play, so it doesn't really feel like a Marx Brothers movie.

[1:55:47] But anyway, I like to think I've been showing my son appropriate movies.

[1:55:50] Okay, well, you just dismissed that.

[1:55:52] But we don't need to talk about room service right now.

[1:55:55] Okay.

[1:55:56] But I will say that I kind of want to do what my dad did for me,

[1:56:01] which is when I was, I think, eight years old.

[1:56:03] I've told this story many times on the podcast.

[1:56:05] My dad borrowed his friend's copy of Robocop, never having seen it,

[1:56:10] and we watched it together.

[1:56:11] And I was like, I'd never seen anything so horrifically bloody.

[1:56:15] And now I've got a weird association with violence in the movies.

[1:56:21] So maybe I'll do that to my son.

[1:56:22] But okay, guys, what movies would you show to kids?

[1:56:25] I'm not sure about that question.

[1:56:28] So I remember the first movie I saw in the theater.

[1:56:32] It doesn't matter what I was saying.

[1:56:34] It's fine.

[1:56:35] Okay, Dan, I'm sorry.

[1:56:38] No, no, no, no.

[1:56:40] I just, I mean, I feel like the fact that I was saying something supersedes.

[1:56:44] Guys, guys, wait.

[1:56:46] When did we become the Ramones?

[1:56:47] Yeah, which one of you is the conservative one?

[1:56:51] Which one of you is Johnny?

[1:56:51] No, I also was going to say that I don't know what movie I would expose a child to.

[1:56:58] I just was going to go into, like, what movie I saw that was an adult movie in the theater.

[1:57:03] And not adult in the deep throat way.

[1:57:06] Thank you for clarifying.

[1:57:08] Adult and more of a behind the green doorway.

[1:57:10] I remember going to see Romancing the Stone as a child and thinking it was the most awesome thing I'd ever seen, which I think is really funny now that I'm an adult.

[1:57:19] Not that I don't think that Romancing the Stone is awesome because I still feel that way about Romancing the Stone.

[1:57:25] it uh so much of it is about like the idea of like despairing that you're ever going to have

[1:57:33] a romantic relationship and then finding romance like unexpectedly and like the just like this

[1:57:41] this crazy adventure happening to a woman who you know is is so alone in her life

[1:57:48] and that's like the adult theme in the movie and for me to relate to that as a child i think is

[1:57:55] absurd it's in like the same way that for some reason when i was a kid i watched dear john the

[1:58:00] judd hirsch sitcom about a guy getting divorced yeah yeah the the one where his uh his friend

[1:58:07] is the guy who played uh who plays that fucking guy from justify yeah uh win duffy yeah that's

[1:58:13] right uh dan i have this image of you as a kid watching romancing the stone and she's like when

[1:58:19] will i find a man and you're just munching on popcorn going oh i'm with you sister and it's

[1:58:25] i i loved romancing the stone so much as a kid that i i think i was in first grade where i wrote

[1:58:36] a short story with illustrations that i drew myself that was basically me plagiarizing the

[1:58:45] entire plot of romancing the stone but up to the point where the snake character is introduced that

[1:58:52] michael douglas kills and instead of getting killed the snake kills him and then becomes the

[1:58:56] main character for the rest of the story i love that for so many reasons but i mostly love that

[1:59:03] you call it a snake character it's a character defining character look at his character diamond

[1:59:09] is being a snake, slithering.

[1:59:11] In the movie, he's just a snake.

[1:59:14] There's no characteristics of the snake.

[1:59:17] He has characteristics.

[1:59:18] He's a bushmaster, and he's very tasty.

[1:59:22] Yeah, he's aggressive.

[1:59:24] Yeah, he wants to find out what...

[1:59:27] He wants an autograph from Joan Wilder.

[1:59:29] Oh, man.

[1:59:31] What were you going to say, Stuart?

[1:59:32] I was going to say the first movie

[1:59:34] I remember seeing in the theater was Ghostbusters.

[1:59:36] My mom put her hand over my eye

[1:59:38] at the first ghost appearance and when i was like well what did the ghost look like she said it

[1:59:43] looked like skeletor and having seen the movie now she's pretty close to right uh i don't know

[1:59:50] i would say the movies that i i remember seeing kind of growing up and i think that i if i were

[1:59:57] to have a child which is very unlikely if i uh if i were to have a child i would probably introduce

[2:00:03] my child to the studio

[2:00:05] Ghibli Miyazaki movies

[2:00:07] Spirited Away

[2:00:08] Nausicaa that type of shit

[2:00:10] yeah like

[2:00:12] I remember seeing Nausicaa at an early age

[2:00:15] and it just being I don't know

[2:00:17] like super absorbed into it

[2:00:19] and showing it to friends and them not getting it

[2:00:21] I've talked about this on the show it's dumb

[2:00:22] and I love Spirited Away because it's a

[2:00:25] it's a movie that doesn't really have a villain

[2:00:27] it's awesome

[2:00:28] so that's me

[2:00:31] jordan do you have anything you want to talk about kids or should we move forward um yeah my answer

[2:00:36] to both uh the first movie i saw and what i would show to kids is face jam i mean that was the first

[2:00:42] movie you saw yep so you were like a teenager samson is the second i wonder wow you kept

[2:00:50] texting me while you're watching it going amazing great yeah and the train's coming at the screen

[2:00:56] help space james also the first is uh your fate the only website you've ever looked at right

[2:01:03] yeah i'm like this is as good as it gets i'm gonna stop looking at websites

[2:01:07] okay so i think it's time for a letter number two dan or you

[2:01:12] uh number three letter number three that was that was letter number two where we're gonna stop

[2:01:18] okay so we come to a halt uh better to end on a high note i guess uh so what do we do now

[2:01:26] dan now is the part in the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked uh that

[2:01:33] you should spend your time on instead of samson fuck yeah uh i guess i'll start um i will make

[2:01:41] this quick i watched a movie called tragedy girls it's available on hulu uh if you have that

[2:01:48] streaming service it's about two teenage girls who kidnap a serial killer uh in the hopes of

[2:01:57] learning from him and then they quickly realize he's not really like that helpful and sort of

[2:02:02] just keep him captive for the rest of the movie but the but they take on his serial killing for

[2:02:08] themselves because they want to get a bunch of social media followers uh for their website

[2:02:15] tragedy girls and uh that sounds like it makes it's a it's a pretty facile uh satire of social

[2:02:22] media stuff and to be frank it is a pretty facile satire of social media but uh what makes it good

[2:02:31] is it's this kind of like glossy day glow slasher world that's done in a very like um just uh it's

[2:02:41] The surfaces of it

[2:02:44] are all very pleasant.

[2:02:45] And the two girls

[2:02:47] are very good actresses.

[2:02:50] In particular,

[2:02:50] there's one who I would

[2:02:53] sort of classify as more of the lead than the other.

[2:02:56] And she's the lady who plays

[2:02:58] Negasonic Teenage Warhead

[2:03:00] in the Deadpool movies.

[2:03:01] And I've always thought that she had a lot of charisma

[2:03:04] and was not given a lot

[2:03:06] to do in those movies.

[2:03:07] The Deadpool movies?

[2:03:08] Yeah. And it shows that...

[2:03:11] Is her name Ryan fucking Reynolds?

[2:03:14] Then of course she doesn't get to do anything.

[2:03:17] He's the star, baby.

[2:03:18] Anyway.

[2:03:19] Only one star in a Deadpool movie, Dan,

[2:03:22] and that's Ryan fucking Reynolds.

[2:03:24] It's a fun movie that commits to its sort of just,

[2:03:29] you know, not, I wouldn't say like nihilistic necessarily,

[2:03:34] but a completely amoral premise.

[2:03:37] So if that's what you're looking for,

[2:03:40] then I recommend Tragedy Girls.

[2:03:43] Cool.

[2:03:44] I'm going to jump in here, guys,

[2:03:47] and recommend a movie about a scary fucking mirror.

[2:03:50] That's right.

[2:03:51] I'm recommending the movie Oculus.

[2:03:55] Now, that's another Blue Mouse picture.

[2:03:57] Mike Flanagan, yeah, who directed another movie I think I recommended.

[2:04:01] Which one was that, Dan?

[2:04:03] Gerald's Game, baby.

[2:04:06] Okay.

[2:04:07] Taking it to the hoop, Gerald's Game.

[2:04:10] yeah that's me pounding on his own shot yep i just uh picked up my own rebound uh

[2:04:18] so i'm talking about oculus now this is a movie that people had talked up and i was like

[2:04:26] what a scary mirror movie actually i didn't even know that i was like i don't know just

[2:04:30] it's a major studio release horror movie and it assumed like it was going to be terrible

[2:04:35] uh but it may actually be a lot of fun it plays around with uh time and it jumps around quite a

[2:04:42] bit and it doesn't fall into a lot of the traps that uh a lot of horror movies that would show up

[2:04:49] on the flop house um it's a movie where the it feels like almost every member of the cast makes

[2:04:57] very specific character decisions when doing their performances and it's genuinely pretty

[2:05:05] fucking scary so uh watch oculus or something i don't know i'm not you stirring recommendation

[2:05:13] from stewart i'll jump in here and i'll say i wanted to recommend a movie i saw in the theaters

[2:05:17] called sorry for bothering you but stewart recommended it already in an earlier episode

[2:05:22] so i'll just reinforce it's great to bother you what's called yeah sorry to bother you it's great

[2:05:28] sorry about it not sorry not sorry for bothering you uh i really liked it a lot uh but stewart

[2:05:33] already recommended it so i'll just say go see that and then i'll recommend for myself uh something

[2:05:38] that's really been doing a lot for me lately is 30s melodramas with a central female character

[2:05:43] and i was sure that a while ago with genre what no i'm sure oh sure that genre i mean it is a big

[2:05:51] i mean women's 30s melodramas is a it's a no i know elliot but i was what yeah so what was the

[2:05:59] anyway uh i'm just slowing us down for no reason keep going that's my job dan uh so i'm gonna

[2:06:07] recommend a movie called the painted veil starring greta garbo uh and it's based on an evelyn waugh

[2:06:12] novel that i never read the book so i don't know how close it is but it's about a woman who is kind

[2:06:17] of desperate to escape being the last daughter in the household when her sister gets married

[2:06:23] she marries a british uh like kind of experimental doctor uh who's dealing with immunology just and

[2:06:31] follows him to hong kong where he is dealing with a cholera outbreak and while there falls under the

[2:06:37] romantic spell of a diplomat in the in the kind of western colony there and ends up betraying her

[2:06:45] husband and having to make amends for that and it is a movie that is it's a real solid 30s weepy

[2:06:52] uh there's a lot of just there's some like fun surprisingly funny characters in it but it's

[2:06:59] mostly at that high pitch of melodrama level where everyone is at at about to break into tears at any

[2:07:04] point but here's the thing you have to deal with it's a 30s movie set in china so while the chinese

[2:07:10] characters are not as offensive as they could be they're just kind of background there are no

[2:07:14] chinese characters with real agency in it which is disappointing but at the same time you do get

[2:07:20] at one point this kind of art deco uh buddhist worship ceremony that could only exist in a 1930s

[2:07:28] hollywood uh backlot studio and bears i'm sure no relationship to reality but it looks really cool

[2:07:34] so i'll recommend that the painted veil starring greta garbo uh hey i'll do one quick if that's

[2:07:41] okay for the guest to do one yeah we'll allow it thanks fellas uh this is a uh rock doc that you

[2:07:48] can watch on the uh amazon prime streaming service for free uh it is called l7 pretend we're dead the

[2:07:54] director is suzy gardner uh l7 they're a kind of a all-female grunge punk band from the late 80s

[2:08:02] early 90s guys no uh guys my first ever uh my first ever music festival was a lollapalooza

[2:08:08] where l7 played and they were amazing did they interview you for the documentary they did a lot

[2:08:14] of stewart stewart is all over this thing like a 14 year old stewart's on there and it's amazing

[2:08:20] for 15 i can't remember what year it was yeah they are you know they were maybe a little bit

[2:08:26] lost to history maybe more famous in england they were in america and uh but yeah this is a

[2:08:32] great documentary i was only kind of uh familiar with them and i love the whole thing uh awesome

[2:08:37] music uh great kind of footage from kind of east la punk clubs in the 80s a time when you usually

[2:08:44] saw like hair metal on the sunset strip this was kind of the flip side arty performance art punk

[2:08:50] rock side of it uh yeah great stuff great music uh cool band you should check out bye all right

[2:08:58] were you leaving a message on someone's voice yes yeah yeah and uh yeah just give me a call

[2:09:01] when you can or a text i'm gonna be around later tonight bye hm you baby all right uh so i guess

[2:09:10] before we go.

[2:09:11] Jordan, do you have anything you want to plug?

[2:09:14] Oh, God, give me the

[2:09:16] strength of Samson to get to the rest of the episode.

[2:09:18] He's powering up.

[2:09:21] Oh, pray to God.

[2:09:25] Start praying.

[2:09:26] Now I'm ready, Jordan.

[2:09:27] Bubble, it's a sci-fi comedy on

[2:09:30] MaximumFun.org. A lot of your

[2:09:32] favorite comedy folks are in it.

[2:09:34] It's a lot of fun. We worked hard. Sorry for all the

[2:09:36] plugs. I think you'll like it.

[2:09:39] Jordan, you got one of the fucking doughboys on that shit, right?

[2:09:42] Fuck that.

[2:09:43] If I had a chance to meet Judy Greer, Judy Greer.

[2:09:46] Oh, wow.

[2:09:47] Holy shit.

[2:09:48] Yeah.

[2:09:48] Yeah, we got Judy Greer from Jurassic World.

[2:09:51] Let me just caution.

[2:09:53] Dan made it sound like if you listen to Bubble,

[2:09:55] you're entered into some kind of contest to meet Judy Greer.

[2:09:58] That is not the case, but she is in it.

[2:10:01] Yeah.

[2:10:02] Although, that's a promotional thing that Jesse Thorne

[2:10:07] could probably set up, right?

[2:10:09] Yeah, I mean, I feel like it would be pretty creepy.

[2:10:12] All right, let's announce it.

[2:10:13] The Bubble Judy.

[2:10:13] No, no, she was nice enough to come in and do a voice.

[2:10:17] I don't think she'll do a meet and greet.

[2:10:18] You're automatically entered into a win a date with Judy Greer.

[2:10:21] I think maybe the best we can get is like Judy Greer waves to you

[2:10:26] as she drives by.

[2:10:27] Maybe that would be the best thing we can get.

[2:10:31] Yeah, I could probably set up a wave or she could text you something maybe.

[2:10:37] It's Jordan texting Judy Greer.

[2:10:40] Hello, I'm Judy Greer.

[2:10:43] Listen to Bubble and you're entered into a contest to win a chance to watch Jurassic World at home

[2:10:49] and pretend you're talking to Judy Greer when she's on screen.

[2:10:52] Yeah, sure.

[2:10:53] And you'll wish she had a little more to do in the movie.

[2:10:55] As always.

[2:10:56] I mean, that's the Judy.

[2:10:56] Wish she had more to do in the movie, the Judy Greer story, basically.

[2:11:00] Hopefully you'll listen to her in Bubble and say she had a lot to do.

[2:11:05] She had a good amount.

[2:11:06] She's only in one episode.

[2:11:07] That was more of a time constraint thing than I was sidelining her.

[2:11:10] I'm sorry.

[2:11:11] Anyway.

[2:11:12] Thanks for apologizing.

[2:11:13] Got a lot of other fun folks in it.

[2:11:14] John Hodgman, Martin Starr, Tawny Newsome, Helen Hong, one of the Doughboys, Mike Mitchell.

[2:11:20] Yeah, a litany of fun folks do voices, and I think it is something cool,

[2:11:26] kind of a genre matchup that I think the Flop fans would like.

[2:11:30] All right.

[2:11:31] There you are.

[2:11:32] And it gave you an excuse to be on our dumb show.

[2:11:35] It's really fun.

[2:11:36] it's so fun I love being on the flop house

[2:11:38] that's exactly what I thought

[2:11:41] when I was watching Samson I'm like

[2:11:42] I'm so glad I'm doing this

[2:11:44] so happy I'm doing this

[2:11:48] look at those beards

[2:11:49] as you through gritted teeth

[2:11:52] as you angrily whittled a stick with a big knife

[2:11:55] so glad I'm watching

[2:11:56] Samson

[2:11:57] alright

[2:11:59] we've gone for so long we should say goodbye

[2:12:02] we should have mercy on

[2:12:04] ourselves and the audience.

[2:12:06] Did Uncle Jesse just enter the room?

[2:12:09] Watch the hair!

[2:12:11] Guys, I think we all need to cut it out.

[2:12:14] And there's Uncle Joey, too?

[2:12:16] That's me, the other uncle.

[2:12:17] And now let's clean everything up.

[2:12:19] It's Danny Tanner, too!

[2:12:20] Dan, now you're Michelle.

[2:12:22] Do your famous Michelle impression.

[2:12:24] You got it, dude?

[2:12:25] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[2:12:26] You got it, dude?

[2:12:28] No, no, Dan. Jordan already took Michelle.

[2:12:30] Now you've got to be Stephanie or DJ.

[2:12:31] DJ doesn't have a catchphrase, so be Stephanie.

[2:12:34] You know what it is, Dan.

[2:12:36] Is it How Rude?

[2:12:37] You said it.

[2:12:38] Oh, yeah.

[2:12:38] As if you can pretend to say it in the form of a question like you don't know.

[2:12:42] Come on.

[2:12:43] There's Stephanie Tanner.

[2:12:44] Dan and I watched most of Fuller House while putting together a puzzle one night.

[2:12:50] That's true.

[2:12:51] Why?

[2:12:52] Because that's the kind of where Sam Fuller has to take care of all those kids.

[2:12:55] Yeah.

[2:12:57] It goes really badly.

[2:13:04] Anyway guys, maybe we should say goodnight

[2:13:07] Alright

[2:13:08] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy

[2:13:10] Hey, you know it's Stuart Wellington

[2:13:12] Elliot Kalin saying

[2:13:15] Goodbye and hi

[2:13:16] for next time

[2:13:17] I'm Jordan

[2:13:20] Alright

[2:13:22] Good work Jordan

[2:13:24] Goodnight everyone

[2:13:26] Thanks guys

[2:13:27] Thanks for being here Jordan, thanks for joining us

[2:13:29] Go listen to Bubble, and goodnight

[2:13:31] Deuces

[2:13:34] on this episode we discuss samson the luggage company

[2:13:45] that's samsonite stewart what all right let's do another one who's gonna talk i've got i've got one

[2:13:56] no it's got one in the fucking chamber i got one to try yeah i got i got a i got a shell in the

[2:14:01] chamber let's go on this episode we discuss samson the chilling true story of the son of sam killer

[2:14:09] it's a little bit of a thing here yeah can i do one can i do one just for fun

[2:14:17] do one on this episode we discuss samson the extreme biblical epic that says the meek will

[2:14:26] inherit these nuts can i do one yeah okay on this episode we discuss samson the vegetarian version

[2:14:38] of ham son okay i've got one sam is the vegetarian version it's not ham all right dude now i got one

[2:14:49] Alright, on this episode we discuss

[2:14:52] Samson.

[2:14:54] The movie that dares to ask the question

[2:14:56] what if the great heroes of Jewish myth

[2:14:59] weren't that Jewish?

[2:15:00] That's a theme I'll be hitting.

[2:15:05] I like that one or Jordan's one.

[2:15:08] We'll see which one wins out.

[2:15:09] You're insane, but that's okay.

[2:15:12] You didn't have to call it out like that.

[2:15:14] You didn't have to drag me right before I had to perform.

[2:15:17] Okay, Jordan, what's yours?

[2:15:18] I'll do one more.

[2:15:19] On this episode, we discuss Samson.

[2:15:22] And Delilah?

[2:15:24] We'll have to see.

[2:15:26] Maximumfun.org.

[2:15:29] Comedy and culture.

[2:15:30] Artist owned.

[2:15:31] Listener supported.

Ep. #263 - Samson

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