Ep. #263 - Samson

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss Samson.

Elliott Kalan

[0:03] This isn't your daddy's superhero.

[0:05] It's your great great great great great great great great great great great great granddaddies.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] Oh, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] I'm Elliot Kalin picking up his cues.

Jordan Morris

[0:46] And who's this joining us?

[0:48] Hey, it's me, Jordan Morris.

[0:49] A guy who knows to speak when introduced.

Dan McCoy

[0:52] Yeah, Stuart got a text exactly when he was supposed to be talking.

[0:57] I'll clue you guys in on what's going on in here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] The text was from me and it said, Stuart, now your turn.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] Guys, Stew Balls has his fingers in a lot of pies.

[1:10] When did you start calling yourself Stew Balls?

[1:13] I'm trying it out, Jordan.

[1:14] It's cool, right?

[1:15] I don't know, man.

[1:18] I don't think this is the time to edit me.

[1:21] I think we can talk about this later.

[1:23] No, you're right.

[1:24] Let me work out the kinks.

Jordan Morris

[1:25] Blue Sky Podcasting, no bad ideas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28] Call yourself Balls.

[1:30] No bad nicknames.

[1:31] Yeah, so our cool friend Georgina.

[1:32] You know what?

[1:33] Hey, for this episode, I'm Georgina.

[1:35] Okay, so our cool friend Georgina showed up.

[1:41] You know, he showed up because he wanted to take us to fucking Bible school, apparently, right?

[1:46] Yeah, that's true.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] As always, when we have a guest on the show, we gave them first choice of movies.

[1:53] And to be fair, he gave us a few movies.

[1:56] And Dan's like, no.

[1:57] We could watch.

[1:58] No.

[1:59] I don't know what possessed me to choose Samson.

[2:02] Yeah.

[2:02] We were very adamant about it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] I was like, all those seem fine to me.

Dan McCoy

[2:06] You said, we'll do Samson.

[2:08] I mean, someone's got to make a fucking choice around here, Elliot.

[2:12] Wow.

[2:12] I didn't get any input from you guys.

Stuart Wellington

[2:14] Ooh, somebody's airing some dirty laundry.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Well, anyway, should we explain, one, what this podcast is, why we're talking about a movie,

[2:23] and two, why Jordan's joining us, other than that he's just a great guy and we like having

[2:27] him around.

[2:28] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[2:30] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:34] That's the first part of that.

[2:35] And for the second part, maybe Jordan can enlighten us as to why he just happened to drop by like

[2:41] a neighbor in a sitcom.

Jordan Morris

[2:43] So I am here, in addition to laughing with some of my favorite fellas, I'm here promoting

[2:50] a new podcast I'm doing on MaximumFun.org called Bubble.

[2:53] It's a scripted sci-fi comedy thing that you may be sick of hearing about if you listen to

[2:59] a lot of MaxFun shows.

Dan McCoy

[3:01] I've certainly heard no promotion for this on other MaxFun shows.

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] I haven't been seeing any on the MaxFun Twitter feed or your Twitter feed or Jesse Thorne's

[3:10] Twitter feed or I think the official POTUS Twitter feed might have said something about

[3:15] Bubble.

[3:16] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[3:17] Clorox is tweeting about it for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] All the Bubbles are tweeting about it.

[3:21] Yeah, yeah.

Jordan Morris

[3:22] Clorox is bleach, I think.

[3:23] Anyway, who knows?

Stuart Wellington

[3:24] Look.

[3:24] You can have a bleach bubble.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] The only Clorox I know is Clorox Leachman.

[3:28] So I thought it should be Clorox Bleachman in the Mad Magazine parody of, I guess, her career,

[3:34] I guess.

[3:34] I don't know.

Jordan Morris

[3:37] So yes, it was a big swing artistically to do a scripted podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] A generation-defining hit, the Hamilton of its time.

[3:45] Absolutely, yes.

Jordan Morris

[3:46] Yeah.

[3:47] A lot of people say that Hamilton is the Hamilton of its time.

[3:49] I say no because we're relatively at the same time.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] I mean, geologically, sure.

Jordan Morris

[3:54] Sure, yes.

[3:56] Same epoch, anyways.

[3:58] No, so it was a big...

[3:58] Epoch Shakur, sure.

[3:59] Mm-hmm.

[4:00] Yeah.

[4:00] Because of Brad.

[4:01] Anyway.

[4:02] Oh, wow.

Stuart Wellington

[4:02] Elliot's got his finger on the pulse.

Jordan Morris

[4:04] So, Jordan, sorry.

[4:05] Good to go.

[4:05] So, yeah, it was kind of a big, you know, big endeavor for Max Fund.

[4:09] So I think they wanted to really get the word out.

[4:11] And I, you know, hopefully it's out there.

[4:13] Yeah, it's a scripted comedy.

[4:15] It's kind of like a little season of TV for your ears.

[4:18] A radio show.

[4:19] It was also known as Once Upon a Time.

[4:21] Kids don't know what radio is, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] And you need to, I think you need to promote a new podcast unless you're like, I don't know,

[4:27] like trying to track down a wayward celebrity or, I don't know, doing a show about true murders.

[4:33] Like, you gotta, you really gotta put some effort into grab people's ears.

[4:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:37] How the hell did those get so popular so quickly?

[4:40] I don't understand how, like, really popular podcasts get either one of those.

Stuart Wellington

[4:45] What, like true crime podcasts?

[4:47] Yeah.

[4:47] People love crime.

Dan McCoy

[4:48] I mean, I'm screaming jeans over that stuff, man.

[4:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:51] Unsolved Mysteries was like the biggest show ever.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] Guys, we gotta, one of us has to murder one of the other ones.

Stuart Wellington

[4:56] It's gonna happen.

[4:57] The way we treat each other.

[4:59] We're gonna give one of those shows such good fodder.

[5:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:03] When my grandmother was nearing the end of her life, there was one kind of TV show she said

[5:07] she liked watching, and that was, quote, murder shows.

[5:10] Hmm.

[5:10] Uh-huh.

[5:10] Yeah.

[5:11] People love murder.

[5:12] They just love it.

Dan McCoy

[5:14] Yeah.

[5:15] I mean.

[5:16] So Bubble is a murder show?

[5:18] Uh, sure.

[5:19] If that'll get people to give it a shot.

Jordan Morris

[5:21] It's a crime story.

[5:23] Yes.

[5:23] About Richard Simmons.

[5:24] Mm-hmm.

[5:25] And the reporter that tries to solve his murder but gets in a little bit too close.

[5:29] And Mark Maron.

[5:30] And it sort of blurs the line between, yeah, Mark Maron is involved, also Karen Kilgareff,

[5:35] and, uh, The Rock, let's just say.

[5:37] Yeah.

[5:37] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] And let's just say, maybe Adam ruins everything.

Jordan Morris

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] Sure.

[5:42] Sure.

[5:42] I guess we could bring in some Adam fans as well.

[5:45] And everyone eats a Snickers.

[5:48] You guys like Snickers?

[5:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] A lot of Totino's stuff in there too.

[5:51] Things people like.

[5:53] Oh, man.

[5:53] Why?

[5:53] If you're hungry, why wait?

[5:55] So Bubble, it's available for MaxFun now.

[5:57] Yes.

[5:57] I recommend it.

Jordan Morris

[5:58] Thank you.

[5:59] Yeah.

[5:59] It's a little Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a little Portlandia.

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:04] It's kind of a cool.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] I thought you were about to say a little Porky's, and I'm like, what the awesome.

Jordan Morris

[6:10] There's a lot of dicks through holes in shower walls.

[6:14] They just look through those shower holes.

[6:16] Name another thing.

Dan McCoy

[6:18] The dicks through Porky's.

[6:19] Really?

[6:19] At the end of it, the dick goes through and the big, the female coach comes in and grabs

[6:27] it and gives it a hard yank.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Oh, like a real castle freak.

[6:30] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:31] Is this the new ding dong rip gates of the Flophouse?

[6:34] I guess, you know what the problem is?

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] I think I've only ever seen the TV edit of Porky's.

[6:38] Ah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[6:39] Weird.

[6:39] What's.

[6:40] Which is.

[6:41] That's just about like, like a roadhouse.

Dan McCoy

[6:43] Why would you watch the TV edit of Porky's?

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] Why would I go out of my way to track down Porky's rather than just watching it when I'm

[6:50] 13 on Comedy Central or something?

Dan McCoy

[6:52] The only reason that Porky's exists has been excised from that film.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] Yeah.

[6:58] Well, then why am I watching USA Up all night?

[7:01] Dan.

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:02] It's pretty loosely defined as a comedy.

[7:04] And Gilbert Gottfried.

[7:06] And Gilbert Gottfried sometime.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] So.

[7:07] So I'm really glad that Jordan's doing a new show, both because it's great and because

[7:11] it gives us an excuse to have Georgina on our show.

[7:15] So let's just fucking grip it and rip it.

[7:17] Right, boys?

Elliott Kalan

[7:18] Like that lady did with that dick, I guess.

[7:22] So we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[7:24] Right.

[7:24] And so this movie, as you already know, is Samson, the hit blockbuster.

[7:29] Everyone.

[7:30] Speaking of people getting tired of the bubble advertising.

[7:32] Sure, yeah.

[7:33] I'm sure people are getting so frustrated with all the marketing for Samson.

[7:35] Another Samson fan cast.

[7:39] Should we talk about that?

Dan McCoy

[7:40] Guys, I believe that I read that this was released opposite Black Panther.

[7:45] Oh, wow.

[7:47] Which is the most misguided counter-programming ever in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] They figured they'd release a different superhero story about a reluctant leader of a people who is, I guess that's where the parallel really is.

Stuart Wellington

[8:02] Go on.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[8:03] And Samson gets his power from a magical purple fruit or flower?

Elliott Kalan

[8:09] No, from his devotion to God, but very close.

[8:13] Dan, now your family is steeped in theology, so we may have to rely on you a little bit in telling us what stuff is from the real Samson story.

[8:20] By the real Samson story, I mean the made-up Samson story in the Bible.

[8:24] And what stuff is created by the magic of Hollywood?

[8:27] Or when I say Hollywood, I mean Cape Town, South Africa, where this movie was made.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] This is an Old Testament tale, and one who was raised in the Christian faith as I was, you know, like we pay attention to the Old Testament, but we're kind of like, that's not the good one.

[8:48] What's the good one?

[8:51] The New Testament.

[8:52] Okay, that makes sense.

[8:54] The sequel.

Elliott Kalan

[8:54] I will say, even growing up Jewish, Samson is not particularly talked about that much.

[9:00] And one of the things I like about the Samson story is that it is crazy and doesn't fit with anything else in the Torah or Bible.

[9:09] And there's a great book called How to Read the Bible.

[9:12] It's all about what you would call, Dan, the Old Testament.

[9:14] I would just call it the Bible because I don't believe in the New Testament.

[9:17] And he talks about the Samson story, and he's like, yeah, this is pretty clearly like some kind of myth from another culture that somehow got,

[9:24] like got, fell into the Bible.

Dan McCoy

[9:27] The thinking is that this is basically the Hercules story in a different form.

[9:33] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[9:33] Yeah, there's a part in Samson where he kills a lion, and I'm like, isn't he going to wear this thing at some point?

[9:39] And I'm like, oh, yes, Hercules.

[9:40] Never mind.

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] Isn't he going to go from zero to hero?

[9:43] I'm sorry, that's Hercules.

[9:44] Hold on a second.

[9:45] You were watching, you're like, these are not legendary journeys.

[9:50] It's all the Hercules stuff I know, guys.

[9:53] I think that's all of it.

[9:53] Okay, so let's talk about what happens.

[9:56] Now, okay, this movie starts out the way so many Flophouse movies have, with a voiceover explaining about a prophecy.

[10:03] That the Israelites have been enslaved by the Philistines.

[10:07] There's a prophecy of a hero named Samson who will free them.

[10:10] Here's the thing.

[10:12] Is the prophecy really that specific?

[10:14] Because what's stopping anyone from just naming their kid Samson?

[10:17] Like, if it's that well-known a prophecy, then surely, yes, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[10:22] I feel like parents don't want to put that kind of pressure on their kids.

[10:25] Yeah.

[10:26] It's like naming your kid Batman.

Jordan Morris

[10:28] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[10:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:30] It's like you would go to school and there's one kid who shows up and is named Batman.

[10:35] You're like, you can't just do that.

[10:38] DC is going to sue you.

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] And by DC, I mean Time Warner.

[10:44] That's a good point.

[10:45] That seems weird.

[10:46] That seems oddly specific.

Jordan Morris

[10:47] My kid's not becoming Batman.

[10:48] Like, well, I guess we have to be killed in front of him, honey.

[10:51] If he's ever going to fight a fat man who holds an umbrella, then we've got to do this.

Dan McCoy

[10:56] Put on these pearls.

[10:57] If that'll get him into a good preschool, I guess we will.

[11:02] Ooh, I see your son is Batman.

[11:04] Looking at his college application.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] Okay, parents were dead.

[11:09] Practiced to be a ninja.

[11:10] Fights crime.

[11:11] World's greatest detective.

[11:12] What about your other extracurriculars?

[11:15] Do you have a sport?

[11:17] Well, I'm at an Olympic level of fighting.

[11:19] Okay, interesting.

Jordan Morris

[11:22] This young Hal Jordan is really tearing up the debate club.

Elliott Kalan

[11:25] So we'll probably get it.

[11:27] Because his magic ring helps him with that somehow?

[11:29] No, just because he's his debate skills.

[11:31] Oh, okay.

[11:32] So, guys.

[11:34] So what you're saying is Samson's parents are the ones who are like,

[11:38] Yeah, I'm pretty sure my son's the one the prophecy is talking about.

[11:42] We're in 1170 BC in Gaza.

[11:44] And a priest of the Dagon people.

[11:46] I don't know if the Philistines.

[11:48] Hell yeah.

[11:49] I don't know if the Philistines really worship Dagon.

[11:52] But it makes me think of like the H.P. Lovecraft Dagon.

[11:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] Stuart, remind me more about him.

[11:57] He's some kind of fish god.

Stuart Wellington

[11:58] He's like a fish god.

[11:59] And he gives you gold if you worship him and shit.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] Now, I researched the story of Samson a little bit just to compare how it looked to the movie.

[12:09] And yes, the Philistines did worship a god called Dagon.

[12:12] Cool.

[12:13] Not as far as I know the H.P. Lovecraft.

[12:16] Herald of Cthulhu, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] He didn't give everyone in the Philistine people the Innsmouth look.

Stuart Wellington

[12:22] Yeah, there was very few tentacles in this movie.

[12:26] Although those fake beards could have been hiding them.

Elliott Kalan

[12:30] Oh boy, we'll get to those.

[12:31] Now again, this is the past.

[12:32] So everyone has an English accent.

[12:35] And this.

Jordan Morris

[12:35] Oh God, kind of.

[12:38] Like to have an English accent in this is so audacious.

[12:41] But to do these awful ones, just talk normal.

[12:44] You're already fucking it up.

[12:46] No, no, no.

[12:46] Because in the past, everyone was English.

[12:48] Oh, that's right.

[12:49] Yes.

[12:49] But a weird high school play kind of English.

[12:51] Oh yeah.

[12:52] Yeah, they all speak English.

Stuart Wellington

[12:54] And when they.

[12:54] Talking hot this.

[12:55] You know, that kind of thing.

[12:56] And when they hang out at a feast.

[12:57] Some words are kokne?

[12:58] When they hang out at a feast, they're all listening to Greensleeves the whole time.

[13:02] All constantly.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] That's all there is.

[13:05] Yep.

[13:05] Lots of flowers in their hair.

[13:06] That was the big hit in Gaza.

[13:08] There was a time when that was a new song.

[13:10] It was a big hit.

[13:11] Yeah.

[13:12] Like when Greensleeves, people were like, hey.

[13:15] Hey, William.

[13:17] It's your cousin.

[13:19] Your cousin, Barry Shakespeare.

[13:21] You know that new sound you've been looking for?

[13:23] Listen to this.

[13:24] And he holds up, I guess, like what?

[13:26] A horn of some kind to the musicians playing Greensleeves.

Dan McCoy

[13:30] That's right.

[13:32] There's a shell.

[13:32] Yeah, it's a seashell.

[13:33] And then there's like a string attached to it going to another seashell.

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] On the other side of the room.

[13:38] William Shakespeare's like, yeah, I can hear you.

[13:40] I'm over here.

Stuart Wellington

[13:41] Yeah.

[13:42] It's some kind of like pterodactyl that they squeeze.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] Who says?

[13:46] It's a living.

[13:47] Yeah, it's a living, of course.

[13:48] And then it kills him, which is not.

[13:50] It's not a living.

[13:51] So anyway, this priest of Dagon's really bad mouthing the Hebrews.

[13:54] His sermon seems to be Dagon rules, Hebrews drools.

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] This is the point where I had to put the captions on because I'm like, is this motherfucker saying Dagon?

Elliott Kalan

[14:05] Yeah.

[14:06] Meanwhile.

Stuart Wellington

[14:07] It promises a much cooler movie, doesn't it?

[14:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] Since it sounds like a monster.

[14:13] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[14:13] And like, you know, I think what this movie is doing is it is saying to a Christian audience, hey, we know superhero movies are in, but we've got the original superhero.

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] And by we, we mean Jews.

[14:26] Yes, Jews.

[14:27] Because Jesus, not much of a superhero.

[14:29] Not a knock on Jesus.

[14:31] No, sure.

[14:31] But not a fighter.

[14:33] He didn't.

[14:33] Yeah, he didn't one shot dudes.

[14:35] I mean, I would say actually, you know what?

[14:37] I would say.

[14:38] He's in clicking heads.

[14:40] I would say clicking heads, very lightly tapping them together.

Dan McCoy

[14:43] He is unparalleled when it comes to turning over money changers tables.

[14:48] That's fair.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] Good point.

[14:50] I would say that superheroes are not really known for dying at the end of their stories, but Zack Snyder proved me wrong.

[14:56] Sure, yeah.

Jordan Morris

[14:56] He did a great job with that.

[14:57] But it seems like, it seems like, if you're going to do that, if you're going to do, this is the, this is the Christian superhero movie you've all been asking for.

[15:07] CGI Dagon at the end.

[15:09] No, because here's the thing.

[15:10] CGI Dagon.

Elliott Kalan

[15:11] The point of the movie is that the Jewish God, and therefore by virtue of that, the Christian God, and it goes unsaid, but the Muslim God too.

[15:18] That that is the real God.

[15:20] And there's this point we'll get to later where Dagon is explicitly called out where King Billy Zane is like, because Billy Zane's in this.

[15:26] King Billy Zane is like, Dagon's not real.

[15:28] There's no gods.

[15:29] I'm the king and I just made it all up.

[15:31] It's a tool.

[15:32] And so the purpose of the movie is to say, this God is real.

[15:35] Dagon was false.

[15:36] But you really want to see Dagon come as like a big tentacle monster that Samson has to fight.

[15:41] But that would defeat the purpose of the movie.

[15:43] Because the minute you see, you know, Shuma Gorath or Dagon come in, like, with his tentacles wrapped around Samson, you're like, oh, I guess he's a real thing.

[15:52] I was real all along, motherfuckers.

Dan McCoy

[15:55] I also love that, like, in 2018, like, the bravery of the message of the movie being like, Dagon's not real, guys.

[16:03] Here's my hot take on Dagon.

[16:05] There's all these Dagon people out there in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] And they don't even bring up the fact that Dagon is an anagram for Gonad, which would only hurt him more in my mind.

[16:14] Because if you're an all-powerful god, why did you pick that silly name?

[16:17] So anyway, while this priest is just bad-mouthing the Hebrews, don't know how bitchin' Dagon is,

[16:24] two brothers are going to steal some corn from Dagon's temple.

[16:27] Because the Dagonites, the Philistines, have been stealing all the Hebrews' crops.

[16:31] These brothers who, well, the whole time they're trading riddles about crops, like a couple of Algonquin Roundtable Oceans 11s.

[16:38] It's Samson and Caleb, his brother.

[16:41] Samson, already famous, already well-known as a strong Hebrew.

[16:45] Caleb, he's just kind of the sidekick.

Stuart Wellington

[16:47] He's like the Steve Zahn of the movie.

Jordan Morris

[16:50] The actor has a Zahn-esque quality to him.

[16:53] Yeah.

[16:53] Does he have long, blonde hair?

[16:55] Yeah, he's got a kind of a doofy charm as well.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] I mean, not that anyone in this movie has charm.

[17:01] By the way, I'd like to point out that corn was domesticated first in Mexico.

[17:08] I'm looking it up right now.

[17:09] Yeah, and then they should, I mean, the fact that it was unknown in the old world.

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] About 10,000 years ago.

[17:13] It was unknown in the old world until people came over from the West and that it's wheat that they probably would have been.

[17:18] Actually, you know what?

[17:19] Maybe they did have corn.

[17:20] I don't know, now that I think about it.

Dan McCoy

[17:22] No, corn was one of these words that was used to just refer to various types of grains.

[17:30] Okay, because when Joseph interprets the barrel of the dream, doesn't he see corn in the dream?

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] No.

[17:36] He sees a fat calf and a skinny calf.

Dan McCoy

[17:38] This is an interpretation thing.

[17:41] Okay.

[17:41] This is bad theology is what this is.

[17:44] I see.

[17:44] So much the same way that...

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] When Joseph had his dream in the New 52, they retconned it.

[17:51] That there's in the long list of things that are kosher and that are not kosher, there's one kind of animal that is not kosher.

[17:58] And when they were translating it into English, they're like, we don't know what this thing is.

[18:02] It's just call it a rabbit.

[18:03] We'll just say rabbits.

[18:06] I wish I remembered the name of that animal.

[18:08] Anyway, we've gotten a minute into this movie.

[18:11] So let's say, so Samson and Caleb, they're stealing this corn that may not be historically accurate.

[18:16] Otherwise, the movie is very historically accurate all the time.

[18:18] I mean, it's about a super strong hero.

[18:22] So we know it's accurate.

[18:23] But Samson and Caleb, they lead the Philistines on a merry chase through a kind of mid-budget ancient village set.

Stuart Wellington

[18:29] They don't look like brothers, right?

[18:32] They're not supposed to look like they're twin brothers or anything.

[18:35] They look...

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] I mean, they're not twins, but they look neither...

[18:37] I mean, they look more like twins than Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[18:41] In the movie of the same name.

Stuart Wellington

[18:44] Elliot, you use that argument too often.

[18:46] I think it's unfair.

[18:47] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] Not only do they not look like brothers in that one of them is blonde, fair-skinned, and very wispy.

[18:54] And the other one looks essentially Samoan.

[18:57] Sure.

[18:57] But they don't even look...

[18:59] Neither of them looks Jewish.

[19:00] And I don't even mean like...

Dan McCoy

[19:02] Yeah?

[19:03] They look like guys who went to the same wig shop.

[19:05] That's what they look like.

Elliott Kalan

[19:06] But they didn't even get the same color wig.

[19:08] Yeah.

[19:08] No.

[19:09] It bothered me so much that the character...

[19:11] No one in this movie looks particularly Semitic.

[19:14] And they don't have to look like Woody Allen.

[19:17] Like, they don't need to be like my kind of Jewish.

[19:19] But they don't even...

Jordan Morris

[19:20] I think that would be hilarious if Samson looked like Woody Allen.

[19:22] Everybody's got a corduroy blazer with patches on the elbows.

Elliott Kalan

[19:26] But imagine...

[19:26] I mean, they don't have to be college professors.

[19:28] But imagine how much more of a miracle it is if Samson is super strong,

[19:32] but he's like a little nerdy guy.

[19:34] Like, that's a miracle.

[19:35] A huge guy with big muscles...

[19:37] Hey!

[19:38] ...beating up a bunch of dudes.

[19:39] What a miracle I've seen!

[19:41] He's like, eh.

[19:42] I just...

[19:43] I hope that my God-given strength holds out

[19:45] because I don't know how many more people I can massacre with this jawbone.

[19:50] That's my character, Woody Samson.

[19:52] But anyway...

[19:53] Yeah.

[19:53] It's a problematic impression to do these days.

[19:58] I'm just saying they could have gotten guys who looked more like they were...

[20:02] It feels like, oh man, you're already gonna...

[20:04] You're gonna steal the Samson stories from us

[20:06] and then you're gonna cast this other guy and do it this way.

[20:09] Anyway, that's beside the point.

[20:10] They go through this village.

[20:11] They're running around.

[20:12] Samson is a real flirty, charismatic rogue type.

[20:14] He's quick with a joke, quick with a punch.

[20:16] And he's like...

Stuart Wellington

[20:18] His face is like all eyebrows, like brow ridge and dimples.

[20:22] Like he's always smiling this weird smile.

Dan McCoy

[20:25] No, he looks like a caveman.

[20:26] Like, let's not mince words here.

Elliott Kalan

[20:30] I was trying to be nice and say that his dimples looked great.

[20:34] Looks like it was carved out of granite, which can be taken either way.

[20:37] But Dan, you were accusing him of looking like a throwback primitive human?

Stuart Wellington

[20:42] I would say he looks like a caveman if you consider his dimples to be two beautiful caves.

[20:46] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] If he looked like a caveman, that would be better.

[20:51] Because you know what?

[20:52] Where a lot of people lived back then?

[20:53] In caves.

[20:54] Because this was ancient times.

Jordan Morris

[20:56] And to really show you that he's not just punches, but he's also a charmer.

[21:02] Every time they cut to him, he's in the middle of laughing at something that you didn't hear.

[21:08] It's just him going...

[21:09] And it's like someone...

[21:13] He had never laughed before, but someone played him a tape of someone laughing.

[21:16] He's like, I got this.

[21:17] I know what this is.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] You want to practice it once or twice?

[21:19] No, I got it.

[21:20] I got it.

Jordan Morris

[21:20] And like once in a while, you'll hear the end of what the brother was saying.

[21:23] Like there's one where the brother is like, you know, you wish that was true, brother.

[21:27] Ah ha ha ha.

[21:28] Ah ha ha ha.

[21:29] It's like, what were they talking about?

[21:31] He's also...

[21:32] He's got an eye for the ladies.

Elliott Kalan

[21:34] And you know this because every time anything that could be a woman is on screen, he just looks at it.

[21:38] And there's a scene later on where he's watching two women get water from a well, like leering at them.

[21:43] And they are so totally covered up.

[21:45] Yes.

[21:45] You might as well think that two piles of laundry were getting water from a well.

[21:49] They're just so covered in rags and veils.

[21:51] And he's looking at them like, nice.

[21:53] All right.

[21:54] Yeah.

[21:54] It really like...

[21:55] That was erotic back then.

Stuart Wellington

[21:57] Yeah.

[21:57] And his love of watering holes gets him in trouble later.

[22:00] But I think we'll get to that.

Dan McCoy

[22:02] Yes, that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[22:03] So he's running...

[22:06] The guards catch on to their corn stealing scheme.

[22:09] Yeah.

[22:09] And then he has to like Jackie Chan his way through the town, right?

[22:13] Yeah.

[22:13] I mean, it's like the beginning of Aladdin.

[22:15] Like, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] I wish it was like the beginning of Aladdin.

[22:18] Hilarious full songs.

[22:19] Talk about how he has to steal stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[22:20] And with a villain like a tenth as charismatic as Jafar.

[22:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:26] Would the song be like, my name's Samson, strong as an ox.

[22:31] Did we have corn?

[22:35] I'll break those locks for that delicious corn.

[22:39] Actually, the locks should have been a hair pun.

[22:41] But they...

[22:42] Oh, yeah.

[22:42] That's good.

[22:42] They lower themselves into the temple's corn vault, I guess.

[22:45] Because I guess it's a subterranean temple.

[22:47] And I think that's where a corn hole comes from.

[22:51] The hole they made to get some corn.

[22:53] Yeah.

[22:53] So, okay.

[22:54] The Philistines are terrorizing the Hebrews.

[22:56] An evil prince named Rala.

[22:59] He kills an old man for asking for mercy.

[23:01] And his soldiers think it's pretty funny.

[23:03] That the Hebrews are justifiably disgusted by this.

[23:07] And Samson's parents are like, Samson, the prophecy says you need to lead the tribe of Dan to vengeance.

[23:12] And now, okay.

[23:13] Tribe of Dan!

[23:14] Two things.

[23:15] One, the parents literally say vengeance.

[23:17] Like, this is their holy mission is vengeance.

[23:20] Two, Dan, was it weird that this is the tribe of Dan?

[23:22] Did you think maybe you should be leading it?

[23:25] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[23:26] I mean, I...

[23:27] Should this movie be called Danson instead?

[23:29] And is that Ted Danson?

Dan McCoy

[23:32] I'm so ill-equipped to lead anything.

[23:34] Like, I can't decide what to do on the weekend.

[23:36] Like, if you put me in charge of a bunch of people, I'd be like, I don't know.

[23:40] What do you want to do?

[23:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:41] I'm so busy working for you, you can't come up with plans.

[23:44] Where do you want to eat?

[23:45] So you're saying the tribe of Dan, if it was more accurate, they would do a lot of, like,

[23:49] sitting around, sighing in their pajamas, just letting a cat walk all over them, that kind of stuff?

Dan McCoy

[23:54] I mean, letting a cat walk all over you.

[23:56] It's a privilege for a cat to walk all over you, Elliot.

Jordan Morris

[23:59] What are we doing this weekend, tribe?

[24:01] I guess we should just watch Stop Making Sense Again.

[24:04] No, that really is the tribe of Dan.

[24:06] Yeah, they love it.

Stuart Wellington

[24:07] Guys, when I got to Dan's apartment, the TV screen had Strange Days paused on it.

[24:14] Wow.

[24:15] I mean, that's not so bad.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] No, but I feel like it's a very...

Stuart Wellington

[24:18] You know, it's a Dan moment.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] Here's my image of Dan based on nothing.

[24:22] Here's the tribe of Dan.

[24:23] What are we going to do today?

[24:24] Should we go outside at all?

[24:26] No.

[24:27] I'll just...

[24:28] Let's just watch some of the porn we TVO'd.

[24:31] It's 3 p.m.

[24:32] Yeah, whatever.

[24:33] That's my image.

[24:34] Is that accurate at all, Dan?

[24:35] Like, afternoon TVO'd porn watching?

Dan McCoy

[24:36] I don't know why you have to shame someone for watching porn in the afternoon.

[24:41] Yeah, I mean, it's an everyday food.

[24:43] It's where the phrase afternoon delight comes from, Elliot.

[24:45] It really isn't?

[24:46] Yes.

[24:47] I think that's what the song's about.

[24:48] You set aside a specific time of night for your porn viewing, Elliot?

[24:53] Are you like...

[24:54] Am I porn doing?

[24:56] Is porn doing making porn or watching it?

[24:57] Porn viewing.

[24:59] Oh, viewing.

[24:59] I just said porn viewing.

[25:01] Is it like alcohol where you're like, can't have it before 5?

[25:04] Uh-huh.

Stuart Wellington

[25:05] Yeah, because he's a fucking gremlin.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] Yeah, if I watch porn before midnight, then I turn into a gremlin.

[25:10] If I watch it after midnight, I turn into a different kind of gremlin.

[25:14] And a guilty feeling one.

[25:16] One who feels shame.

[25:17] Anyway, so...

[25:19] Samson's parents want Samson to leave the tribe of Dan in vengeance.

[25:21] Samson's...

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] Guys, yeah, let's pump the brakes there.

[25:25] Samson's parents...

[25:25] Have we done anything other than pump the brakes so far?

[25:29] I feel like...

[25:30] Samson's parents, I think we're ignoring the fact that, you know, it's really great when you watch a movie in 2018,

[25:36] and one of your hero actors who had an amazing role early on in their career, like a career-defining role, and then has since been doing nothing but like schlocky sci-fi movies.

[25:48] Guys, I'm talking about Billy Zane in this movie.

Jordan Morris

[25:51] We're not even up to Billy Zane yet.

[25:53] Were you talking about Rutger Hauer?

Dan McCoy

[25:56] Was that the fake-out you were going for?

[25:58] That was the fake-out I was going for, yeah.

[26:00] You were talking about Rutger Hauer?

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] But no, I gotta say, Billy Zane's incredible in this movie.

[26:03] He's like, you know what?

[26:07] What if older Orson Welles wasn't quite as fat?

Jordan Morris

[26:12] Yeah.

[26:13] Still looked out of shape, but...

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] What are you talking about?

[26:16] He looks great.

[26:17] And he lost his enthusiasm for life.

[26:19] Yeah.

[26:20] And was wearing a crown from a party city.

[26:22] Yeah, Burger King Kids Club crown.

[26:27] We'll get to that.

[26:27] Was that Rutger Hauer as the dad?

[26:30] Yeah, it was.

[26:30] I did not even recognize him.

[26:32] Oh boy, that was the one good beard in the whole movie.

[26:34] It also doesn't help that I was watching this on a laptop while I was doing the dishes.

[26:38] So maybe I just wasn't looking at him too close.

[26:39] No, the beards are fucking awful.

[26:41] Yeah.

[26:42] But okay, Samson, he doesn't want to listen to Rutger Hauer.

[26:44] He doesn't want to be a hero.

[26:46] And he, look, he's already followed God's three vows that he wants to take.

[26:50] He's never touched a dead person.

[26:51] He's never drank wine and he never cuts his hair.

[26:53] What more does God want from him?

[26:56] And it's like...

Jordan Morris

[26:56] He really says, I've never touched a dead person.

[26:59] Like, that's something we all want to do.

[27:01] But he's like, I'm a great guy.

Dan McCoy

[27:03] Yeah.

[27:04] I also love that God is setting down these, like, gremlins-like rules.

[27:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:07] Do you think...

[27:08] I feel like they missed a beat...

[27:10] Like, they missed an opportunity when they made the poster for this movie.

[27:13] They should have had, like...

[27:14] It should have said, the three rules.

[27:16] And then had the first two with, like, a red line through them.

[27:20] And then the last one just says, never cut your hair.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] Yeah.

[27:24] I mean, Dan, there are...

[27:25] There are...

[27:25] I mean, if...

[27:27] Here's a little primer on Judaism.

[27:28] Judaism 101.

[27:29] Judaism's all about rules.

[27:31] The more arbitrary, the better.

[27:33] Never...

[27:33] Hey, Dan, never cook a lamb in its mother's milk.

[27:38] You know why?

[27:38] Who knows?

[27:39] It doesn't matter.

[27:41] Hey, you know what else?

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] I was watching a thing on the news about a kosher...

[27:47] A guy who makes kosher-friendly, like, lettuce.

[27:51] And he has, like, a kosher-friendly barn.

[27:53] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[27:53] Because...

Elliott Kalan

[27:54] There's no...

[27:55] As far as I know, there's no kosher-unfriendly lettuce.

[27:58] Lettuce is not an animal and has no blood.

Stuart Wellington

[28:00] But it breaks kosher to accidentally eat an insect, apparently.

[28:04] Oh, that's true.

[28:05] That's very true.

[28:07] So, in ye olden times, did they have, like, clean rooms?

[28:11] Or was it just, like, inspect each piece of lettuce?

Elliott Kalan

[28:15] I think in olden days, they just kind of understood that, hey, what are you going to do?

[28:20] Like, they were so busy trying to survive that it's, like...

[28:25] And also, every...

Dan McCoy

[28:26] I love that that was, like, a rationale that the rabbis would make to God.

[28:30] Like, hey, what are you going to do?

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] I mean, there's no more Jewish rationale than what are you going to do.

[28:35] But, I mean, also, every law can be broken if it means saving a human life.

[28:40] So, if you're like, I'm starving to death, I'm going to eat this lettuce, even if it has little bugs on it.

[28:45] God is like, that's cool, I understand.

[28:47] But if you're living high on the hog, which you shouldn't be either, because pigs are not kosher.

[28:51] But let's say you're living high on a kosher animal, like a cow.

[28:55] And if you're like, I'm not going to wash this lettuce.

[28:58] God would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[28:59] Hold on, buddy.

[29:01] That rule's in place for a reason.

[29:02] That reason?

[29:04] Even I don't know, and I'm God.

[29:05] But it's there, so don't do it.

[29:07] An evil general might burn out your eyes.

[29:09] Look, who knows?

[29:11] So, but Samson's, it seems very clear.

[29:13] Samson never seems to get the message that what God wants you to do is free your people.

[29:17] That these other rules are kind of like sub clauses in the main thing.

[29:21] So he's like, I did everything.

[29:23] He's like, that student who does the assignment to the letter.

[29:27] It doesn't go beyond in the spirit of the assignment.

[29:30] You know what I mean?

[29:31] I do.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] Sure.

[29:32] So doesn't he, at this point, he wanders off and gets at a wrestling match with a lion, right?

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] No, that's much later.

[29:38] So now we meet King Billy Zane for the first time wearing his Burger King kids glove crown.

[29:43] He wants to crush the Hebrews and he tells Prince Rolla, you got to stop Samson because Samson,

[29:48] he has this elaborate thing where he's like, he's like, Samson represents freedom and freedom represents hope and hope leads to rebellion and rebellion.

[29:58] Like he has this elaborate flow chart that he's going to show his princely son, his prince and his son, the prince Rolla seems to be doing like not very good Johnny Depp impression through the whole movie.

[30:09] Like an English Johnny Depp.

[30:11] And I kept waiting for the moment when he would break into other Johnny Depp characters, like he'd show up with scissor hands or something.

Stuart Wellington

[30:18] Yeah, I mean, he's got a pretty sick smokey eye, though.

[30:22] You know what I mean?

[30:22] Oh, very much so.

Jordan Morris

[30:23] Yeah, and a great like 90s pop punk goatee.

[30:27] Oh, yeah.

[30:28] He's got a real 311 goatee.

Stuart Wellington

[30:32] Yeah, he's a real cherry bobbing Danny.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] He's a guy who at a different time, you just you take off the prince costume and put on like a flannel shirt and he's just a guy going to buy a Stone Temple Pilots album.

[30:45] That's all he's doing.

[30:47] Okay, so Samson now he takes the challenge.

[30:50] So the prince to lure Samson out because even though he's famous, they still need to identify him.

[30:56] Samson takes the challenge of an Egyptian fighter named Balkam, mainly because he thinks the promoter's daughter, Taryn, is very pretty.

[31:04] Which, objectively, she is.

[31:07] Movie, I can't fault your math on this one.

[31:09] She's a very pretty lady.

[31:09] That actress was very beautiful.

[31:11] And Samson, he's so distracted.

Stuart Wellington

[31:14] Glad you're going to the wall for that one.

Elliott Kalan

[31:16] Hey, look, I'll go out on a limb and say this woman who has a starring role in a movie is attractive.

[31:21] Oh, wow.

[31:22] So Samson, he's distracted, so he takes a couple punches from Balkam, but then he wins by picking up a huge boulder and almost crushing him to death with it.

[31:30] Oh, boy.

Jordan Morris

[31:30] A boulder that is at once worse than the crown and the beards.

[31:35] It is a, like, Star Trek original series caliber foam boulder.

[31:40] It looks so not threatening.

[31:42] And everyone's like, stop, Samson!

[31:44] And it's like, that thing weighs one pound.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] I think they were more worried that the chemicals used in the manufacturing of the styrofoam of the boulder would give cancer to the Egyptian guy if he swallowed any of it.

[31:52] Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[31:52] Long term.

[31:53] Yeah.

[31:54] They're like, little flakes could come off, and then they'll get everywhere, and they're impossible to clean.

[31:58] Because the static clean makes it stick to your hand.

Dan McCoy

[32:01] I also love that Samson is, like, down on the ground, and he's, like, hands are vibrating on the ground as if he's, like, you know, drawing power from the earth like he's Superman or something.

[32:11] Yeah.

[32:12] I mean, I know that Superman draws power from the sun, but the same.

[32:14] Well, no, but there is the guy.

Elliott Kalan

[32:16] What's the name of the guy, Stuart, that Hercules fights?

Stuart Wellington

[32:19] Oh, I can't.

[32:20] Yeah, I can't remember.

[32:21] The one that he has to put him in, like, a fucking torture rack to kill him.

Elliott Kalan

[32:24] Oh, I just.

[32:25] The story I heard.

[32:25] Pick him up in the air and break his back.

[32:27] He just holds him up in the air until he withers to death because he has to be in kind of, his name's, like, Geostorm or something.

[32:32] I don't remember what it was.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:33] Because he has to be touching his mother, Gaia, or something.

[32:36] But you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] So Samson says a prayer to God, and then the ground shakes under him, and it does look like he's absorbing power from the earth, which would be from Gaia, the earth mother, which is not part of the Jewish religion.

[32:48] Yeah, that's some polytheism.

[32:49] They do not.

[32:49] No, in Judaism, it is a male god who hates everybody.

Dan McCoy

[32:53] I also thought it was just funny, though, because it was, like, Samson was constantly having to remind God that he's, like, the chosen guy.

[32:59] He's like, oh, I got beat up by God.

[33:01] The chosen guy.

[33:02] Hold on a second.

Elliott Kalan

[33:03] I like, what if they said, they said, there's a prophecy that there will become a chosen guy.

[33:08] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[33:09] Soon your people will be freed by some dude.

[33:12] He will be a pretty chill bro.

[33:15] And who are you?

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] You say you are chum of the Jews?

[33:21] That's what Pontius Pilate says to Jesus in Jesus Christ Super Guy.

[33:25] Some guy the Jews went to college with?

[33:30] Well, well, well, if this isn't the bro-heme of the Hebrews.

Stuart Wellington

[33:34] You seem like a nice dude.

Elliott Kalan

[33:38] So anyway, but Dan, you're right.

[33:40] So this is Samson's life.

[33:42] It is get in trouble, pray to God for help, and then punch his way out of trouble.

[33:48] And it's just that, over and over again.

[33:50] Not since Mad Men have I seen characters so trapped in a cycle of personal behavior that they cannot break out of.

[33:57] And what I'm saying is, yes, this is the Mad Men of biblical movies, I guess.

[34:02] Of course I'm not saying that.

[34:03] Mad Men's the greatest show ever made.

[34:04] So Samson's dad does not approve of Samson just fighting Egyptians and looking at beautiful ladies.

[34:11] He thinks Samson's lost sight of his true people.

[34:13] So anyway, the prince kills Balkan, the Egyptian.

[34:16] He tells the fight promoter, you and your daughter work for me now.

[34:20] And then this is when the king and the prince talk to each other.

[34:23] And the king reveals, the prince is like, if Dagon helps us, Dagon be strong, we will defeat these Hebrews.

[34:29] The Hebrews are already so beaten down.

[34:31] The Philistines go in with impunity and just murder them and steal their food.

[34:34] But it's still like, we got to crush these people.

[34:37] And the king is like, look, there's no real Dagon.

[34:40] There's no God.

[34:41] Gods don't work.

[34:41] Come on.

[34:42] Let me, it's like that moment in.

[34:44] Wrong about that, motherfucker.

[34:46] Dagon!

[34:46] Fight, fight, fight.

[34:47] Come on, movie.

[34:49] So Dagon, how's it going?

[34:51] Pretty good, motherfucker.

[34:54] Dagon, it's a little intense.

Stuart Wellington

[34:55] Wow, it's, yeah, you're going 110% here, Dagon.

[34:58] Yeah, we're on your side.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] Well, not really.

[35:00] I don't worship you.

[35:01] Yeah, but we want you to tell your side of the story.

[35:03] So Dagon, how did that feel to have Billy Zane just say, you're not real?

[35:08] Well, I'm half fish.

[35:10] Okay.

[35:11] So you're saying what, the Titanic thing?

[35:13] I don't understand.

Jordan Morris

[35:14] Oh, yeah.

[35:15] You know, I never saw a Titanic.

[35:16] Everybody tells me I need to.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] What about the Phantom?

[35:19] Did you like that?

Jordan Morris

[35:19] Love the Phantom.

[35:21] Phantom.

[35:22] Modern superhero movies, they can't hold a candle to the Phantom.

Elliott Kalan

[35:25] No, no, they can't.

[35:26] He really slammed evil.

[35:27] Yeah, yeah.

[35:28] So Dagon, what brings you by today?

[35:29] You're going to promote double your new scripted podcast?

Jordan Morris

[35:33] Yeah, I know people are a little sick of hearing about it, but we're trying to get the word out.

Elliott Kalan

[35:38] Okay, that's the Dagon bit.

[35:39] Thanks, everybody.

[35:40] Thanks for joining us, Dagon.

[35:41] Bye.

[35:42] So the king is like, gods don't exist.

[35:46] They're just symbols that we use for controlling people.

[35:49] And this is when you know, oh, he's the worst kind of bad guy.

[35:52] An atheist.

[35:53] Oh, damn.

[35:55] Billy Zane.

[35:56] More like Billy in Zane.

[35:59] Zane in the Mim Zane.

[36:00] More like Dan Zane's children's musician.

[36:04] So Samson's flirting with Taryn, and they really hit it off.

[36:08] They have a moment where she says, those who tangle with you, like, you know, don't live to, you know, really regret it.

[36:16] And I thought her use of the word tangle was so hilariously anachronistic that they're in this kind of fake, high-language, biblical English.

[36:24] And she's like, hey, those who tangle with you.

[36:27] Right.

[36:28] What tangle?

[36:28] Come on.

[36:29] What is he?

[36:29] Some chosen guy?

[36:30] Could be another hair pun.

[36:31] Could be another hair pun.

[36:32] Oh, that's fair.

[36:34] That's fair.

Stuart Wellington

[36:35] So they're like, they're all hot and heavy, right?

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] Oh, yeah, they are.

[36:38] And meanwhile, the council.

Stuart Wellington

[36:40] And Rucker Hauer is not into it.

[36:42] He's like, you shouldn't marry her.

[36:44] Who is?

[36:45] Rucker Hauer, his dad, Manoa.

Elliott Kalan

[36:48] Well, they don't like it because she's a Philistine and he's a Hebrew.

[36:50] It's a real West Bank story.

[36:53] Yay.

[36:54] Anyway, and the Hebrew council, which is just the old man of the village and Caleb, they're

[37:01] like, this is bad.

[37:02] Samson's no good.

[37:03] He's just always lusting after women.

[37:04] I wouldn't trust him with my daughter or my sister, let alone the future of our people.

[37:08] And Caleb is like, if it wasn't for his strength, maybe your daughter or sister would have no

[37:12] virtue left without his protection.

[37:14] And it's like, whoa, dude, that's a harsh threat.

[37:17] Sure.

[37:17] So if Samson leaves someday, something terrible is going to happen to all the women of the

[37:21] tribe, because he's shown absolutely no protection of us so far.

[37:26] Anyway, they got big plans for Samson, but he doesn't seem to be living up to it.

[37:30] Long story short, Samson and the lady, they-

[37:34] Taron.

[37:35] Taron.

[37:36] He proposes to her and she accepts.

[37:38] Yay.

[37:39] It's great.

[37:40] And meanwhile, the prince is getting mad and he's griping about his dad, the king, and

[37:44] how lame his dad is, to his girlfriend, whose name is Delilah.

[37:49] Oh, yeah.

[37:49] Huge reveal.

[37:50] Huge reveal.

[37:51] He's like, my love, my Delilah.

[37:54] And it's like, oh, really?

[37:55] The only other female character in the movie is going to be Delilah?

Stuart Wellington

[37:57] And then he looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows up into the sky.

Jordan Morris

[38:02] And then Neil Diamond comes on and sings his famous song, that's right, Forever in Blue

[38:07] Jeans.

Elliott Kalan

[38:08] Wait, hold on a second.

[38:10] I like the idea that he raises his eyebrows up so high that it's like they're retiring

[38:15] them in the rafters of a basketball arena.

Stuart Wellington

[38:18] Yeah, it's the opposite of a deal with it meme.

Elliott Kalan

[38:23] So Samson and Taron, they're going to get married at the kind of like biblical picnic,

[38:26] because they have a basket with them.

[38:28] And his parents don't approve.

[38:30] Samson storms off into the misty forest and asks God for a sign.

[38:34] God gives him a sign in the form of a lion that attacks him, which if God gave me that

[38:38] sign, I'd be like, God's mad at me.

[38:40] He does not want me to marry this woman.

Stuart Wellington

[38:42] The lion looked so bored initially.

[38:45] Like the tiger in that fucking Neil Breen movie we watched seemed more into it than this

[38:51] lion.

Elliott Kalan

[38:52] The fight with the lion is worse than the fight between Michael Palin and the stuffed lion

[38:56] in the Scott of the Antarctic, Scott of the Sahara sketch in My Python, where he is wrestling

[39:02] with a stuffed lion and then a man in a lion suit hits him over the head with a chair.

[39:06] That was more convincing than this one.

[39:08] It was like Samson just hugged that lion for a while.

[39:11] Just hug it and then pull a King Kong and just snap his jaws.

Jordan Morris

[39:14] There are there's three seconds of a real lion that they rented and then he just fights with

[39:18] a Build-A-Bear.

Elliott Kalan

[39:22] And then when Samson said he asked God for forgiveness and it's like I did not understand

[39:27] what was going on.

[39:28] Like that's one of those things where maybe back then they just understood God's signs

[39:31] a little bit more clearly.

[39:33] Yeah.

[39:33] But even when Moses saw the burning bush, God talked to him out of it.

[39:39] It was like Moses.

[39:40] Moses didn't see the burning bush and go like, oh, I see.

[39:42] I got to get a staff.

[39:43] I got to go with my brother.

[39:44] We're going to go save everybody from the Pharaoh commandments.

[39:48] You got it.

[39:48] Bush on fire.

Stuart Wellington

[39:49] Like it was a it was a simpler time back then.

[39:52] So this is this is the point where the movie starts getting a little bit wild for me.

[39:56] OK, because then this is where Rala starts talking to maybe Delilah or maybe the king

[40:03] about or maybe Delilah convinces Rala about how she he should allow the marriage to happen

[40:10] because he can control Samson.

[40:12] Yes, that I was trying to figure out his his motivation here.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] It's this weird thing where she says to Tentus to Rala, you have to give permission for Taron

[40:22] to marry Samson.

[40:23] So if you give him his wife, he owes you and you'll be under his control and you'll have

[40:28] his strength at your command, which is not a terrible strategy.

[40:31] Like we went over his trust by giving him the love of his life.

[40:34] And then you have that leverage over him.

[40:36] You can always take it away.

[40:37] But the prince is like, oh, of course.

[40:39] And then right away is.

Stuart Wellington

[40:40] Yeah, immediately is like he's a huge dick and then tries to murder him.

Elliott Kalan

[40:45] Yeah, crazy.

[40:46] He's like, he's like, that's right.

[40:48] I can control him and have his strength working for me.

[40:50] OK, hot shot riddle contest.

[40:53] And if you lose, you have to give me 30 tunics or I kill your wife.

[40:56] He's like, wait, what?

[40:57] How does this fit into your plan?

[40:59] Why does he want so many tunics?

[41:02] This also to get before we get to that, because he wants to live like his favorite character,

[41:06] Alan Tunick.

[41:08] He's great both on camera and as a voiceover artist.

[41:11] Oh, he's great.

[41:12] He's just amazing.

[41:12] Where's that guy's Oscar?

Jordan Morris

[41:13] He's as great as K-Tunick-S-O.

[41:16] What?

[41:17] Alan Tunick was K-2-S-O in Rogue One?

[41:20] I don't remember robot name.

[41:21] Oh, it's OK.

[41:22] Anyway, he was.

[41:23] Elliot, trust me.

[41:24] What I said was very funny.

[41:25] I don't remember here.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] There's also, this is after the scene, though, where Samson.

[41:29] Don't remember robot names?

[41:31] Yeah.

[41:31] Huh.

[41:31] Name a robot.

[41:32] I won't remember it.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] Robocop.

[41:34] Who?

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] Terminator.

Stuart Wellington

[41:37] What?

[41:37] It's fucking Murphy is his name, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[41:40] Fucking Murphy?

[41:41] Is that a robot?

[41:43] OK.

[41:43] Anyway.

[41:44] One, Robocop's a cyborg, not a robot.

[41:46] Wow.

[41:46] And the Terminator is also a cyborg, so boo-hoo, you lose.

[41:49] I haven't taken to school.

[41:51] Name a real robot for me.

[41:52] I can't.

[41:53] I have no more.

[41:54] You're like, they're all cyborgs.

[41:55] Lobot.

[41:57] Death walk.

Dan McCoy

[41:58] Have we talked about the riddles yet?

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] Yeah, we're getting there.

[42:01] That's what I want to talk about.

[42:02] We're dipping our toes in the riddle territory.

[42:04] So before the rehearsal dinner, Samson is wandering through the forest, sees the carcass of the lion he killed,

[42:09] and just reaches into it and pulls out some globby crap and eats it.

[42:14] It's a fucking honeycomb, dude.

[42:16] It's a honeycomb.

[42:17] But wait.

Jordan Morris

[42:17] The lion's carcass was a honeycomb hideout?

[42:19] But is this something then?

Elliott Kalan

[42:21] Is it common knowledge?

Jordan Morris

[42:22] It's like a bear who goes through the woods.

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] No, no, no.

[42:24] Excuse me.

[42:25] Is it common knowledge among the human population of the world that bees routinely squat in lion carcasses and turn them into honeycombs?

[42:34] Because this was the first I've ever heard of it.

Stuart Wellington

[42:36] Because he snatches that honeycomb and then he looks at the sky and he goes, sweet from the strong meat or something.

Elliott Kalan

[42:43] He says something to eat from the eater, something sweet from the strong.

[42:48] But it's also like, and then he says, dig them, dig them.

Dan McCoy

[42:51] Stupidest goddamn thing.

[42:53] And this is a literal quote from the Bible that I'm calling the stupidest goddamn thing.

[42:59] Because he's just like...

Elliott Kalan

[43:00] So was this scene in the...

[43:02] So Dan, that riddle's from the Bible?

Dan McCoy

[43:04] Yeah.

[43:04] From the...

[43:04] What is it?

[43:05] Like from the strong...

[43:07] From the eater?

[43:08] From the eater, something to eat, something strong, something sweet, or something like that?

Elliott Kalan

[43:11] But it was also...

[43:12] Was the part where he pulls honey out of a lion's carcass also in the Bible?

[43:16] Yes.

[43:16] That's also in the Bible.

Stuart Wellington

[43:17] But wait.

[43:18] That's not a riddle, dude.

Dan McCoy

[43:20] Well, that's what I...

[43:22] That's what I wanted to talk about.

[43:23] Calm down.

Jordan Morris

[43:24] Calm down.

[43:24] It's not a goddamn riddle.

[43:25] Dan, settle down.

[43:26] I know you get mad about riddles.

[43:27] But anyway...

[43:28] It's not like we're asking you to name a robot.

[43:31] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[43:32] So we'll say...

[43:34] Okay.

[43:34] At the wedding rehearsal, they have a little bit of a riddle contest.

[43:38] They...

[43:38] The print and...

Stuart Wellington

[43:39] I mean, I was just at a wedding, guys.

[43:42] I was at a wedding on a boat.

[43:43] How was the riddle contest there?

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] That was the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[43:46] There was no riddle contest.

[43:48] It was on a...

[43:48] Was there a fiddle contest?

[43:49] No, but there was this little kid that was on the dance floor, and he was doing the Homer

[43:54] Simpson lion his side, like the curly thing where he runs in a circle.

[43:57] Oh, yeah.

[43:57] We'll do that.

[43:57] But he was doing it while dabbing the whole time, and I've never felt more inadequate on a

[44:02] dance floor.

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] That rules.

[44:04] That's pretty great.

[44:05] So Samson is like...

[44:07] So first, the prince tricks Samson into drinking some wine, which is not cool.

[44:10] And it's one of those things where he's like, oh, I broke my vow.

[44:13] But it's like, let's look at the motive here.

[44:15] You thought you were drinking water.

[44:16] God, can I appeal to you, God, that if he didn't do it on purpose, that he didn't break

[44:21] his vow?

[44:22] Because it's kind of like if somebody dropped a dollar, and then a day later, you saw on

[44:28] the ground and picked it up.

[44:30] Did you steal from that person?

[44:31] You don't know who it belongs to.

Stuart Wellington

[44:33] So in this case, he's talking to Rolla, who's being a serious dick right away.

[44:38] Yeah.

[44:38] And he's like, hey, have a drink with me.

[44:41] And he gives him some shit.

[44:42] And he's like, yeah, it's not wine.

[44:45] And then he drinks it and realizes it's wine immediately.

[44:48] Like, clearly it was wine.

[44:50] He wasn't going to give him something that wasn't wine, right?

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] That's true.

[44:54] I guess he didn't think...

[44:54] It's not that he thought Samson was pregnant and gave him like club soda that looked like

[44:58] a gin and tonic or something like that.

[44:59] Yeah, yeah.

[45:00] It's not a mocktail.

[45:01] So they have their riddle contest.

[45:02] And the real contest stakes are clear.

[45:04] If Samson wins, he gets 30 tunics, which I guess means...

[45:08] Which I thought it was like a strip riddle contest that like the prince and all his men

[45:12] were going to take their clothes off.

[45:13] Yeah.

[45:13] I thought we were going to see some dong too.

[45:15] Yeah.

[45:15] And if the prince wins, that Samson can either bring 30 tunics or allow his wife to be murdered.

[45:21] And so Samson being a real egotistical guy, and he's come up with this amazing riddle when

[45:27] he stole that honey from the lion's body, because apparently in biblical times, bees were just

[45:32] looking for lions to build their houses in.

[45:35] Like, this is something I've never heard of anywhere else.

[45:37] It made me so mad.

Dan McCoy

[45:38] This is like the most unfair fucking riddle when he's like, he tells this thing that he

[45:44] like this little bit of dog roll that he like made up while he was wandering around.

Stuart Wellington

[45:48] He says the dumbest shit and then he gives them all a look like he's a fucking man.

[45:53] Like he's Edward Nygma himself.

Dan McCoy

[45:55] Smug look about this riddle and not, not since what have I got in my pocket?

[45:59] Has there been such an unfair riddle?

Stuart Wellington

[46:02] It's like when somebody fucking kills me in Overwatch and then starts fucking teabagging

[46:06] me and I'm like, come on, man, this wasn't even a fair fight.

[46:09] I was playing a bad character.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] You can do it.

[46:12] Hold on.

[46:13] I mean, that raises a lot of questions about how Overwatch functions that you can teabag

[46:16] the bodies afterwards.

Stuart Wellington

[46:17] Yeah.

[46:17] It's like any video game.

[46:19] Jordan, back me up on this.

[46:21] Stu's right.

Elliott Kalan

[46:23] Once again, stew balls and Georgina are sticking together.

[46:28] So Dan, so the riddle, the answer is, of course, like a honey and a lion or something like

[46:34] that.

[46:34] Like it's, it's the answer.

[46:36] It is a bad riddle, but what would your riddle be, Dan?

[46:38] You want, so let's say it's your rehearsal dinner.

[46:41] What the fuck kind of put me on the spot bullshit is this?

[46:45] You're Mr. Riddles.

[46:47] You're the guy who couldn't wait to talk about this riddle.

[46:49] Yeah.

[46:50] Dan's been on his phone the last 20 minutes looking up riddles.

Dan McCoy

[46:53] It's an unsolvable riddle.

[46:54] That's what I'm saying.

[46:55] Like nothing like, all right, here's the other thing.

[46:59] The other riddle that was said at, you know, at the thing was like.

[47:07] I think you're paraphrasing now.

[47:08] The other riddle that the guy said was something about like, I run when the sun comes.

[47:16] What am I?

[47:17] Or something like that.

[47:18] And he was like, he's like, the answer is a star.

[47:21] And I'm like, all right, well, it could have been the moon.

[47:24] I mean, my guess was.

[47:25] It could have been darkness.

[47:26] I have to assume it's.

[47:27] It could have been any number of fucking things.

[47:29] Riddle guy.

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] Well, I mean, that's riddles though.

[47:31] Riddles are dumb.

[47:31] But I have to assume if Samson said the moon, which was my guess, the prince would have

[47:35] been like, all right, judges.

[47:37] Yes, I will accept the moon.

[47:40] You will receive 15 tunics.

[47:42] Yeah.

[47:42] Half credit.

[47:43] Half credit.

[47:44] And I'll just, I guess just cut off your wife's arm.

[47:47] Sure.

[47:48] We're both winners on this one, Samson.

[47:50] But it's, he goes, judges?

[47:53] Book of judges?

[47:54] Yes, they're saying that they'll accept it.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] But at least that's a solvable riddle.

[47:58] Like Samson's riddle is not a solvable riddle.

Elliott Kalan

[48:00] So you're saying, so this is where the movie really stretched its believability for you.

[48:05] It wasn't that he's a super strong man who gets his powers from a deity and also apparently

[48:11] doesn't have a job or need to do anything for a living, even though his people are starving

[48:16] and could just have time to go tarry with Taron on the beach.

[48:19] He also lives in a place that is so close to the beach, so close to a forest and so close

[48:23] to a mountain, which I guess is Israel now that I think about it.

[48:27] But.

[48:28] Yeah, what is this?

[48:28] Middle Earth?

[48:29] Like the thing that you really, that really bothered you is, this is a bad riddle.

[48:34] Yeah.

[48:35] So is it possible that riddle technology had just not been developed at that point?

Stuart Wellington

[48:40] I think that's a big part of it.

[48:41] So the, so the bad guy guesses the riddle or he like ferrets it out or what is he like?

Elliott Kalan

[48:46] So the bad guy says, find me the answer to that riddle, to Delilah.

[48:49] And Delilah tells Taron, we gotta find the answer to that riddle.

[48:52] You still work for me, bitch.

[48:54] And because Delilah's a real nasty person to Taron.

[48:57] And so Taron says to Samson, if we're going to be married, we can't have any secrets.

[49:01] And he's like, we don't have any.

[49:02] And she goes, well, what was your riddle all about?

[49:04] And if I was, if I was him, I'd have been like, I don't know, it's some dumb riddle or

[49:07] something.

[49:08] This is not a sign of our marriage.

[49:09] But he goes, okay, it's, it's a lion and honey or something like that.

[49:14] And Delilah overhears this and tells the prince.

[49:18] So the prince gets it right in the morning and he's like, Samson, where are my 30 tunics

[49:23] that you owe me?

[49:23] And Samson's like, oh shit, I don't have 30 tunics.

[49:27] What am I?

[49:28] Super rich?

Dan McCoy

[49:29] He runs through a fucking, he runs through a wall or something.

Elliott Kalan

[49:32] That's right.

[49:32] There's a Samson shaped pole on the wall.

[49:34] Yeah.

[49:35] He's like, I gotta get the tunics, dude.

[49:37] And he runs off to, I guess, he's got a fine, he, I mean, if I was him, I'd just go home

[49:42] to the tribe and be like, guys, I need a solid.

[49:45] Everyone give me your tunic.

[49:46] Right.

[49:47] Take them shirts off.

[49:48] Like, I, but this is my only tunic.

[49:50] Look, my wife's going to be killed if I don't have this tunic.

[49:52] Is your clothing more important than my wife?

[49:54] Yeah.

[49:54] Keep in mind also, I'm super strong and, or even, hey guys, I'll lead you to freedom,

[49:59] but the price is 30 tunics.

[50:01] Like that's all he's got.

[50:02] Or just take, pick up Taryn and run away with her.

[50:06] Cause you're super strong, dude.

[50:07] Just go somewhere with her.

Jordan Morris

[50:09] And maybe he doesn't know the extent of his powers yet, but he can one shot kill anyone.

[50:14] Yeah.

[50:14] Like, it seems like now is the time to use your one punch, one kill powers.

Elliott Kalan

[50:19] Cause he shows up with, he, he, he finds these Philistines and he's like, Hey, give me your

[50:23] tunics.

[50:23] And the Philistines, oh, well first he's at a well and he starts drinking some water.

[50:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:27] So he runs off and he, and he pulls a fucking straight up Terminator.

[50:31] He's like, your clothes, give them to me.

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] That's I, at first I thought it was a reference to Terminator that they were doing this.

[50:37] Like, okay.

Jordan Morris

[50:38] Samson's doing like a callback.

[50:39] It's like your tunics.

[50:40] I'm going to need them.

[50:41] End your motorcycle.

[50:42] Yeah.

[50:42] And then bad to the bone starts playing.

Elliott Kalan

[50:44] Samson just, his plan seems to be to just run away.

[50:47] Like, okay, I can't get the tunics.

[50:50] I'll, I don't, I don't have a wife, I guess.

[50:51] I'm just going to run off, start a new name, a new life under a new name.

[50:55] Now my name is, uh, Gramson.

[50:56] My name is Gramson and I'm not even Jewish anymore.

[50:59] I'm from the tribe of Glan.

[51:01] I'm Gramson from the tribe of Glan.

[51:03] And maybe I'm not super strong.

[51:04] Maybe I'm just like a guy, like I look strong, but I'll pretend I can't pick up things.

[51:08] So no one will know.

[51:09] And it's like, he's, he's very thirsty from that running.

[51:11] The Philistines say, don't drink that.

[51:13] That's for Philistines only.

[51:14] And he says, give me your tunics.

[51:15] And then punches the, that lead Philistiner once kills him with one punch.

[51:20] And the other Philistine guys are like, whoa.

[51:24] And he, uh, like then just punches the rest of them to death.

Stuart Wellington

[51:29] Punches them all while some of his tribes people watch and are freaked out.

[51:33] Yeah.

[51:33] Reasonably so.

[51:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:35] At the end of it, she's there.

[51:36] He's like, why are you so scared?

[51:38] I'm here to help you.

[51:39] And he's like, he just, they're like, you're going to fucking, you're going to

Stuart Wellington

[51:41] fucking combo us to death.

Elliott Kalan

[51:45] She's like, this is ancient times.

[51:47] All we know is you're some crazy guy who walked up, punched 20 men to 30 men.

Stuart Wellington

[51:53] Demanded clothes.

[51:54] Your fucking super meter is totally jacked up at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[51:58] Yeah.

[51:58] You can do like a, a, an NBA jam, like fire dunk at this point.

[52:02] We don't want to get anywhere near you.

[52:04] Uh, but he can't take the tunics off of those guys because he vowed to God.

[52:08] He'd never touched the dead, but he does it anyway.

[52:11] And he returns with a net full of tunics to find the prince is like, he must've been gone

[52:16] for 10 days because the prince is like, oh yeah, you were gone for so long.

[52:20] We had to finish the wedding ceremony.

[52:21] So I married Taryn.

[52:23] And Samson does not like the sound of this.

[52:25] They try to capture Samson, but he runs away to a cave full of foxes.

[52:29] Yeah.

[52:30] And Dan, is that in the Bible also that he found a cave full of foxes?

[52:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] This is how you know that it's accurate to the Bible.

[52:35] The Bible of the last Jedi, right?

[52:36] It's because nothing, nothing this wacky would be, would be in this movie if it was not actually

[52:42] in the Bible.

Elliott Kalan

[52:43] All the stuff that doesn't make sense is straight from the Bible.

[52:45] So he ties burning, uh, wood to the, to the foxes' tails and lets them loose in the

[52:50] Philistine wheat field and burns their, their, uh, their crops.

[52:54] And Samson's like, I'll burn all your crops if you don't give me Taryn.

[52:57] And the princess is like, fine, take Taryn and throws her over a wall to her death.

Stuart Wellington

[53:02] Uh, yeah, you were saying that was your favorite part of the movie, Dan.

[53:07] You thought it was hilarious.

[53:10] I thought that was really cruel, but whatever, man, I'm just a normal guy.

Dan McCoy

[53:14] You know, I like seeing other people in pain.

[53:16] Yeah.

[53:18] That was, I mean, I thought that was hilarious though.

[53:20] Like he's like, I got to figure out a way.

[53:23] You're like, I would never think that's funny.

[53:24] That's a joke.

[53:25] Anyway, seriously, I find it hilarious.

[53:26] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[53:27] Not that part.

[53:28] The, the foxes part.

[53:29] Like he's like, I, I gotta get my revenge on these people by burning their crops, but

[53:34] I'm gonna, you know what?

[53:35] I'll let the foxes be the fall guy here.

Elliott Kalan

[53:37] Well, so I'm going to torture these foxes, but it's not like I.

Jordan Morris

[53:40] Maybe he also wanted revenge on the foxes from like a deleted scene.

[53:44] And this was like a double revenge.

Elliott Kalan

[53:46] He's just like killing his way through all the animals.

[53:48] He's like, I killed a lion.

[53:49] Time for me to take these foxes out.

[53:50] Sure.

[53:51] Cause there's, I, I don't.

[53:52] They were very cute.

[53:53] They were very cute.

[53:54] They were like Fennec foxes.

[53:55] They're really cute looking, but they had longer tails.

[53:57] The, uh, I, I mean, Fennec foxes, I guess would have been native to the area.

[54:00] Possibly they're desert foxes.

[54:02] So anyway, we don't need to talk about Fennec foxes.

[54:04] Just go to the Prospect Park Zoo and you'll see some for yourself.

[54:07] Uh, I would be, and, and you'll get to see, of course, the Matta Matta.

Stuart Wellington

[54:11] Coolest of the turtles.

[54:12] Yeah.

[54:12] Coolest turtle in the universe.

Elliott Kalan

[54:14] Yeah.

[54:14] At the Prospect Park Zoo.

[54:15] Prospect Park, Brooklyn.

[54:16] Anyway.

[54:16] They've got red pandas now, too.

[54:17] They've got a real party, dude.

[54:18] Take the kids.

[54:18] And what, Dan?

[54:19] They've got red pandas now, too.

[54:21] Red pandas.

[54:22] That's my favorite panda.

[54:23] They've had red pandas for a while, but they've got baby red pandas now.

[54:26] Oh, yeah.

[54:26] What?

[54:27] They did a year ago.

[54:28] They're probably all grown up.

Stuart Wellington

[54:28] They won't for long, because I'm going there and stealing them.

Elliott Kalan

[54:32] Uh-oh.

[54:33] But I doubt there was a scene that they cut out where Samson's like, Foxes, here's the

[54:37] plan.

Jordan Morris

[54:38] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

[54:39] And the foxes are like, hee, hee, hee, you got it, Samson.

Elliott Kalan

[54:43] We'll burn to death for you.

[54:46] They just yell at him.

[54:47] It's like the omen.

Jordan Morris

[54:47] This is for you, Samson.

[54:49] I love you.

[54:49] It's all for you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] Uh, they try to capture Samson.

[54:52] He runs away.

[54:53] All that stuff.

[54:54] The prince kidnaps Samson's dad to make Samson show up.

[54:58] And Samson gives himself up.

[54:59] He is ready to surrender.

Stuart Wellington

[55:01] Yeah, his brother Chad or whatever shows up and finds him.

[55:04] Caleb.

[55:05] Caleb.

[55:06] And they have a really awesome conversation in front of a green screen cave, because I

[55:13] guess they couldn't film in a cave?

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] Their cave budget ran out after the fox scene.

[55:18] So, uh, Samson, he's like, Samson, now that the prince has killed your wife, maybe now you

[55:25] can lead our people and kidnapped your dad.

[55:27] Maybe now you can lead our people to freedom.

[55:29] And he's like, no, I'll free our people by giving myself up.

[55:33] I don't care what they said.

[55:34] I will surrender and give myself away.

[55:37] You know, like the song.

[55:38] Anyway.

[55:38] And so he's ready to give himself up.

[55:40] And the prince is like, good, I'll let your father live.

[55:43] And then he walks around and goes, JK, JK, JK.

[55:45] I'm going to kill your dad right now, right in front of you.

[55:46] And then I'm going to burn down your village.

[55:48] Watch this.

[55:49] And the troops kill his dad.

[55:51] Samson is, uh, so mad that he bursts the bonds that they tied him up with.

[55:57] And now his super strength, he just hulks out and he goes crazy.

[56:01] Picks up a very, very conveniently placed, uh, asses jawbone.

Stuart Wellington

[56:07] Yeah.

[56:07] And the, uh, the, the bad guy's like, I told you not to give him a jawbone.

Jordan Morris

[56:13] Oh, I thought you said do give him a jawbone.

Dan McCoy

[56:16] Yeah.

[56:17] Like Ellie, you say asses jawbone as if it's a common weapon.

[56:20] Like as if it's like one of the weapons in Clue or something.

[56:23] Yeah.

[56:23] No, it's only famous because Samson used it.

[56:25] Right.

[56:26] Yeah.

[56:26] Let's make it clear that the, yeah, there's a, there's a, there was a donkey who died and

[56:30] there's a jawbone there.

[56:31] And like, that's what he's going to use to murderize some people.

[56:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:34] I'm sure the filmmakers were like, this jawbone is going to be the new Darth Maul's double

[56:40] ended lightsaber.

[56:41] Oh yeah.

[56:42] Sure.

Jordan Morris

[56:42] Every kid at Christmas wants the styrofoam jawbone so he can be just like his hero Samson.

[56:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] Just like his, Samson set comes with the jawbone, a very fake wig and a faker looking

[56:53] beard.

[56:55] He, and he kills so many dudes.

[56:58] Oh man.

[56:58] It helps that all these troops attack him mostly one at a time in classic movie bad guy fashion.

Dan McCoy

[57:03] Now in the Bible it's a thousand people.

[57:06] So I don't, I mean, I don't know.

[57:07] I don't think they have a thousand people in the movie, but that's, that's.

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] I don't think there's a thousand people in the entire cast or crew.

Dan McCoy

[57:12] A thousand people have not seen this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[57:15] But they, it isn't, but it's an impressive amount of people that he kills and you got,

[57:19] it goes on for a while.

[57:20] They pile up on top of him and he prays to God and throws them off again.

Stuart Wellington

[57:23] What a kill streak.

[57:25] I mean, come on one life.

[57:27] That's amazing.

[57:27] A thousand people.

[57:28] Oh yeah.

[57:28] He had no continues.

Elliott Kalan

[57:29] It was out of continues.

[57:32] It was, it's going to be quite an Xbox achievement.

Jordan Morris

[57:36] I mean, what is heaven but the ultimate continue?

Elliott Kalan

[57:40] But you don't continue.

[57:41] You do a new thing, right?

[57:43] Hard to say.

[57:44] Okay.

[57:44] Good point.

[57:45] We'll find out when we get there.

[57:46] If we get there.

Jordan Morris

[57:47] Oh boy.

[57:48] I hope we don't live forever.

Elliott Kalan

[57:50] No, I'm more worried.

[57:50] I'm going to end up in one of those Chinese Buddhist hells where you're in your tiny little office

[57:53] and you just have to do bureaucratic work all day.

[57:55] Oh no.

[57:56] I didn't know that was an option.

[57:57] Oh, it's not an option.

[57:58] I mean, you don't get to choose.

[57:59] It's not like, it's not.

[58:01] It's not.

[58:02] Which hell do you want to be in?

[58:04] Which reminds me, I was wondering if, so there's all those political cartoons, not political

[58:08] or there's all those editorial cartoons whenever a famous person dies that shows that famous

[58:12] person showing up in heaven and St. Peter being like, God's going to love having you around.

[58:16] You know, like.

[58:17] I fucking hate that shit.

Dan McCoy

[58:18] There's one when Anthony Bortain died that where he was like just fucking grinning and

[58:21] I'm like, the man committed suicide.

Elliott Kalan

[58:24] So you're saying he's in hell right now.

[58:26] Well, that gets me to the point of what I want to say.

[58:27] No, that's not what I was.

[58:28] Which is that, why don't they do ones like that where when a bad person dies where the

[58:33] devil is greeting them at the door?

[58:34] Where it's like, Saddam Hussein, glad to have you aboard.

[58:38] Because I'd like to see those.

[58:40] Like whenever a bad person dies.

Stuart Wellington

[58:42] Are you complaining about those like cartoons or tweets where people are like, Prince, David

[58:49] Bowie, heaven's got a hell of a band now.

[58:51] And you're like, oh, thanks for boiling down, boiling them down to their one skill.

Elliott Kalan

[58:57] I mean, it is fair to miss them as musicians, but even for their contributions to film and

[59:05] fashion.

[59:06] But it's almost like, what I don't like about that is it's like, yeah, heaven already has

[59:09] the best band.

[59:11] Like, it wasn't like they were just waiting.

[59:12] It's not like David Bowie and Prince together are better than all the great musicians who

[59:16] ever lived in history.

[59:17] And Bradley Noel of Sublime.

[59:20] We're just going to watch Bradley Jam.

[59:22] But I just imagine Mozart and Friends List and like Buddy Holly and John Lennon are all playing

[59:29] a song together.

[59:30] And then God looks over and Prince and David Bowie are gone.

[59:32] And he goes, shut that shit off.

[59:33] Shut that shit off.

[59:34] The real musicians are here.

Stuart Wellington

[59:36] John Lennon physically abused his wife, right?

[59:38] So he probably isn't up there, right?

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] I mean, yeah.

[59:42] I mean, no.

[59:43] And let's just be honest.

[59:43] No professional musician is ending up in heaven.

[59:45] They're all pretty.

[59:46] They all lead pretty crazy lives.

[59:48] Maybe, ironically, Pat Boone.

[59:50] Which I guess is not ironic because he's very much a Christian musician.

[59:56] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[59:57] Dan's staring off into the middle distance trying to rationalize liking problematic musicians

[1:00:03] right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:05] No, that's not what I was doing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:06] Thanks for putting thoughts in my head, though.

[1:00:08] Dan's like, is R. Kelly really a bad guy?

[1:00:11] Yeah, thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] Is he a goody or a baddie?

[1:00:16] Look, he doesn't have to be your Kelly as long as he remains our Kelly.

[1:00:20] So, okay.

[1:00:21] Is he a goody or a baddie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:22] I think L.A.'s going into joke jail for that joke.

[1:00:26] I should.

[1:00:27] Okay, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:29] Samson, this is one of your marquee Samson moments.

[1:00:32] You go to see the Samson movie because you want to see the scene where he kills all those

[1:00:35] guys with the jawbone.

[1:00:36] And I got to say, the movie does not stint on it.

[1:00:39] You see him kill a lot of guys with that jawbone.

[1:00:42] There's all sorts of slow-mo.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:43] No, for an overtly Christian movie, this is the fucking meat of the feast.

[1:00:50] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:50] This is some tasty treats.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] Something sweet from the strong eater from the eater.

[1:00:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:56] If we could make a boy out of trees, we could make a pencil out of boys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:00] I mean, this is the sort of scene where, like, I'm a little disappointed they didn't do a

[1:01:04] fucking close-up as soon as his hand hits the jawbone.

[1:01:07] And then he raises it up in the air and he goes, I have the power.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:11] Here's what they should have done.

[1:01:12] When his hand, they should have shown his hand reaching for the jawbone, freeze-framed.

[1:01:17] A guy in sunglasses pops up and goes, you know what's happening.

[1:01:20] And then his hand grabs the jawbone and you just hear, ah, y'all ready for this?

[1:01:28] And then he just wails on these guys and he just, he kills a lot of them.

[1:01:32] And he hits the prince last.

[1:01:34] He hits him so hard in the face that it scars him, but does not kill him.

Jordan Morris

[1:01:39] Classic bad guy scar, though.

[1:01:40] Right across the eye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:41] Right down his eye.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:42] It makes it look like he's crying a fake tear.

[1:01:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:46] And classic bad guy thing that he comes back, which, again, I don't, I think this is,

[1:01:50] Dan, is that in the original that they thought the prince was dead when he comes back?

[1:01:53] This prince is all made up, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:55] The whole second half of the movie where they're like.

[1:01:57] Where they have cool beers.

[1:01:58] Where the prince is, like, the big villain and, like, he maintains his status as, like,

[1:02:06] Samson's antagonist.

[1:02:07] And then, like, also where Delilah is kind of, like, into Samson even after she betrays him.

[1:02:13] Like, that's all bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:14] That's all from the book of Gladiator, right?

[1:02:16] Yeah.

[1:02:16] The book of best picture winner Gladiator.

[1:02:19] Exactly.

[1:02:20] So Samson, now he's like, okay, now I'm going to allow myself to be appointed as judge.

[1:02:26] And they anoint him with oil, as they would all of the future kings of Israel.

[1:02:30] Oh, I thought that was, like, honey or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:32] No, no, that's holy oil.

[1:02:35] Because I'm, like, sweet for the strong meat, you know?

Jordan Morris

[1:02:39] It was actually butter flavor topping.

[1:02:41] And then Samson looks right into the camera and says, visit the concession stand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:47] Samson, they anoint Samson, and they go, you are now the leader of the tribe of Dan.

[1:02:50] And he goes, also, can you pour some sugar on me?

[1:02:53] Because I'm hot, sticky, sweet.

[1:02:54] There you go.

[1:02:55] And they said, a really long strip club scene.

[1:03:01] I mean, there kind of is later.

[1:03:02] But what's weird is that Samson's like, yes, I will be your judge now.

[1:03:07] And I will lead you to freedom.

[1:03:09] And then the prince is like, hey, he's not dead yet.

[1:03:14] He goes, hey, dad, now can we fight and kill Samson?

[1:03:17] And the king is like, no, I'm mad at you.

[1:03:19] But I have to make peace with Samson.

[1:03:21] Because I don't want to have any trouble with the Hebrews.

[1:03:24] And it's like, what were you doing this whole time?

[1:03:27] Yeah, the motivations are so crazy.

[1:03:28] And the prince is so mad, he smashes a statue of Dagon and tells Delilah, I will take Samson's power.

[1:03:34] Because he realizes now who the true god is.

[1:03:36] And it ain't Dagon.

[1:03:38] Oh, shit.

[1:03:40] Anyway, many years later, as the chyron says, everything's pretty much the same.

[1:03:44] Except now, Caleb and Samson have these super fakey and mad TV sketched beards that we've been talking about.

Jordan Morris

[1:03:50] Everyone looks like the Monty Python guy that says it.

[1:03:54] Every character in the movie at some point looks like the Monty Python guy who says it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:59] And it's like, guys, just calm down with those beards.

[1:04:02] Make them look normal.

[1:04:04] Don't make them look like the best beards ever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:07] Like, you don't need to make it look like you stole the beard off of that Rasta catfish Muppet from that Jim Henson's Tonight Show.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:14] You shaved all three of ZZ Top's beards and sewed them together.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] I mean, technically, there's only two beards in ZZ Top, but that's okay.

[1:04:22] Frank Beard doesn't have a beard.

[1:04:22] Dan meant their pubic hair, which you put together to make one beard.

[1:04:25] That's right.

Jordan Morris

[1:04:26] They call it ZZ Bottom.

[1:04:28] Like, look at where you're putting the money movie.

[1:04:33] Like, this is a story.

[1:04:35] Like, hair is such a part of this story.

[1:04:38] It is the most important element to the Samson costume.

[1:04:40] It is like how in X-Men Origins Wolverine, his claws look like shit.

[1:04:45] Like, this is where you put the money.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:48] This is the thing.

[1:04:48] This needs to look good.

[1:04:50] Everything else can look kind of shitty, but this needs to look good.

[1:04:52] So here's how I imagine that conversation went.

[1:04:54] The director of the movie was like, I need the best, most realistic, most luxurious beards and hair you can get.

[1:05:02] And the accountant was like, well, let me look at the budget.

[1:05:05] We have 75 cents for the hair budget.

[1:05:08] How is that possible?

[1:05:10] It's a Samson movie.

[1:05:11] The budget is easily $10,000.

[1:05:13] Let's at least, well, actually, the budget is much bigger than that.

[1:05:17] You're the director of a movie, and you think the movie could be made for $10,000?

[1:05:20] Look, this is my first movie.

[1:05:22] Most of my films before were Dogma 95, and I decided I'm finally going to get some of that big Hollywood money and make this Samson epic.

[1:05:28] So tell me, let's break down the budget.

[1:05:30] Well, Rutger Hauer doesn't come cheap, that's for sure.

[1:05:33] Billy Zane doesn't come cheap, that's for sure.

[1:05:35] You want them in your movie, don't you?

[1:05:37] Yeah, I guess so.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:37] How about we only shoot Billy Zane in one scene filled with as many babes as possible?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:44] You mean two?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:45] Okay, fine, we can do that.

Jordan Morris

[1:05:46] Two babes who are as covered up as I've ever seen a woman, and they're braiding each other's hair?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:52] Now, let's go through the rest of the budget, shall we?

[1:05:55] Okay, caves.

[1:05:56] Does it come cheap?

[1:05:57] We can't afford it through the whole movie.

[1:05:58] We're going to have to green screen some of them.

[1:06:00] Okay, tunics.

[1:06:01] We need at least $30,000.

[1:06:03] Just for one scene alone.

[1:06:04] That's a lot of money.

[1:06:05] Lions.

[1:06:06] We need to rent a real lion so they can fight.

[1:06:08] Can't we do it with a fake lion?

[1:06:10] Yeah, okay, sure.

[1:06:11] We'll get a fake lion, which actually in a weird way costs more than a real lion.

[1:06:15] Okay, let's look at this.

[1:06:16] Other actors.

[1:06:17] Sure, we need some, right?

[1:06:19] Okay, sure.

[1:06:20] Khorne.

[1:06:20] What else are they going to steal from Dagon's temple?

[1:06:22] Okay, good point.

[1:06:24] Foxes.

[1:06:24] Those aren't free.

[1:06:25] Are you sure?

[1:06:26] Yeah, they're not free.

[1:06:27] Why do you think rich people hunt them?

[1:06:29] Okay, you make a good point.

[1:06:30] Foxes aren't free.

[1:06:31] Now, you add up all those things, including rocks, asses, jawbones.

[1:06:36] You know how hard those are to come by?

[1:06:38] Very.

[1:06:39] Really?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:39] I wonder how many they went through filming that scene.

[1:06:43] Oh, they kept breaking.

[1:06:44] Yeah, smashing dudes with it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:46] Just wailing them.

[1:06:47] So that doesn't leave us a lot of money for beards and wigs.

[1:06:50] Okay, I see your point.

[1:06:52] Get me a ball of yarn and a child's school glue stick and we'll do this upright.

[1:06:59] Their beards are, it is terrible.

[1:07:01] They're so funny.

[1:07:02] And the first, it was like, that was the moment where I was like, wait a minute.

[1:07:04] Is this movie a prank?

[1:07:06] Like, am I being pranked right now?

[1:07:08] Did Jordan make this movie as a prank on us?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:10] Guys, I don't know if you guys had the same feeling I had when I fired up this movie in

[1:07:15] my movie player.

[1:07:17] And I'm seeing all these fucking hot credits showing up.

[1:07:20] And the, you know, I recognize some of them.

[1:07:23] And then the credits for the production company Pure Flix showed up.

[1:07:29] And I'm sure that's meant to be a Christian thing.

[1:07:32] But for some reason, it sounds like a porno company.

[1:07:34] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[1:07:35] I mean, it looks like the logo in front of HBO late night movies.

[1:07:40] Yeah.

[1:07:40] It is that caliber of production company logo.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:43] I was like, it's, I mean, it's a soft core level of production budget on a lot of this.

[1:07:48] Like there was, there were times when it was like, okay.

[1:07:51] You mean by Billy Zane showing up?

[1:07:53] Even with Billy Zane.

[1:07:55] It's like, and someone's going to turn into like a Fred Olin Ray movie.

[1:07:58] And it's just about Misty Monday taking her top off in someone's rec room basement.

[1:08:02] Like that's, that's what this is.

[1:08:04] That was mostly for Dan, that reference there.

[1:08:06] But anyway, it's a, it's a cheap movie and the cheapness really shows in the beards, which

[1:08:12] as we mentioned is one of your key costume elements for the Samson story.

[1:08:17] So anyway, the King and Samson meet.

[1:08:19] Samson's like, we're either going to have a war where you've got to reduce our tribute.

[1:08:23] Notice Samson isn't even like, we have to be free.

[1:08:26] He's like, just don't make us pay you so much grain every day.

[1:08:29] And, and Billy Zane says, no deal.

[1:08:32] I want the heart of the ocean.

[1:08:34] Which is called, what's the, what's it called in French?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:37] Oh, I don't know.

[1:08:38] The Cours de la Mer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:40] Yeah, yeah, you got it.

[1:08:42] Anyway, and Samson's like, is that this movie?

[1:08:44] And Billy Zane is like, look, I'm just reliving back when I was a movie star.

[1:08:49] The.

[1:08:49] You've seen the Phantom, right?

[1:08:52] I smashed evil.

[1:08:53] What was that other one I made with Nicole Kidman?

[1:08:55] Like consequence.

[1:08:57] Dead calm.

[1:08:58] Dead calm.

[1:08:59] So Delilah finds, so Samson is walking the streets dejected because he can't make a deal.

[1:09:05] A woman comes up and says, Samson, you're famous.

[1:09:08] I have an inn where men of your kind can pray and be in solitude.

[1:09:12] And it turns out to be like a party hotel whorehouse.

[1:09:14] And he's in his room.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:16] And he's tricked again.

[1:09:17] What the fuck, dude?

[1:09:18] In his what?

[1:09:20] He got tricked again, just like with the wine.

[1:09:22] Like fucking pay more attention.

Jordan Morris

[1:09:25] It's at this point.

[1:09:26] I think Samson is just like playing this whole, oh no, I've been tricked because he wants to drink wine and go to a brothel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:32] Yeah, that's possible too.

[1:09:33] Honey, God, honey, I didn't know.

Jordan Morris

[1:09:36] My friends took me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] I thought that, uh, I thought that testies was a gym.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:41] It said, gentlemen's club.

[1:09:43] I'm a gentleman.

Jordan Morris

[1:09:44] I'm a very gentle man, despite the people I've murdered.

[1:09:47] I thought the people I was touching were alive.

[1:09:50] But they were dead bodies.

[1:09:52] I thought they were just sleeping.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:53] Yeah, but I was touching them.

[1:09:55] So he goes to this hotel and, uh, he's a real buzzkill.

[1:09:59] Delilah finds him there and says, he's in danger.

[1:10:01] She's not with Rolla anymore.

[1:10:02] She lies to him.

[1:10:04] And then the Philistines attack and they're like, you murderer, you killed my brother when you killed all those troops.

[1:10:08] Which is, and this is the one thing in the movie where I was like, all right, that's a, that's an interesting fair point.

[1:10:13] Is that even though they're all ADR lines that were thrown in at the last minute to give the crowd something to say while chasing Samson.

[1:10:21] The fact that these men that Samson killed are just for a moment treated as human beings who had families in the Philistine kingdom and not just nameless NPCs that he could just mow down.

[1:10:33] And then they dissolve away and turn into meat that he can eat for more power up his energy bar or cash that he can use to buy weapons.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:42] Yum, like in Gauntlet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:46] He's not just fighting a bunch of a Bobos that he can double drag it into food.

[1:10:51] So it's like, there is, there was one more was like, okay, movie, you know what?

[1:10:54] I like that instance that the Philistines have a reason to be mad at Samson.

[1:10:58] They don't know the story of that thing.

[1:11:00] All they know is their brother was, it was a soldier in the Philistine army and Samson single-handedly killed him.

[1:11:07] And I'm like, killed him with a fucking jawbone.

[1:11:09] And with a jawbone, the most insulting way to kill someone.

[1:11:11] Unless he like, the only worst way was if he pooped in his hand and then shoved it down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:15] Yeah, or afterwards if he just kept hitting the crouch button over and over.

[1:11:20] On top of their dead body.

[1:11:22] And you're like, come on, dude, your character is so much better than mine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:26] Samson was the original teabagger.

[1:11:28] Yeah.

[1:11:29] There is that moment after he kills them all at the jawbone and then he goes, I pwned you noobs.

[1:11:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:35] But I turned group chat off.

[1:11:37] I didn't even hear that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:39] So the Philistines chase them.

[1:11:41] Delilah and Samson escape by ducking behind a curtain for a moment.

[1:11:45] The classic, oh, well, if we move over here, everyone will forget where we are.

[1:11:48] And then he prays to God for strength and he pushes open some huge locked gates.

[1:11:52] They're like the city gates.

Jordan Morris

[1:11:54] They get away.

[1:11:55] Boy, in this movie, people really hang out and give Samson time to say his strength prayer.

[1:12:03] Yeah.

[1:12:03] Like it takes a long time.

[1:12:06] Yeah.

[1:12:06] And they really just hang out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:08] It's almost like they're like trying to get him to do it.

[1:12:12] They want to say his strength.

[1:12:14] Hey, hey, idiot.

[1:12:16] Wouldn't it be weird if you got strong right now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:18] Oh, boy.

[1:12:19] Probably shouldn't pray to God.

[1:12:21] So you're saying that Samson is being treated the way that Teen Wolf was being treated?

[1:12:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:12:26] Oh, get him mad.

[1:12:27] So he wolves out.

[1:12:28] Then our basketball team win.

[1:12:29] What if it ended with a basketball contest?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:32] I feel like Teen Wolf is just a modern retelling of the Samson story.

[1:12:37] That's modern, right?

[1:12:37] That's all about hair.

[1:12:38] Hair.

[1:12:39] The same epic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] Yeah, yeah.

[1:12:41] And a woman who tempts him when really his true love, Booth, is there all along.

[1:12:46] Right.

[1:12:46] Yeah.

[1:12:47] Now, Stuart, when you said Teen Wolf, there was a moment where I thought you said Steen Wolf.

[1:12:50] And I want someone to make a steampunk version of Teen Wolf very badly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] Oh, I thought we were talking about a werewolf version of Mary Steenburgen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] So we've already mentioned that there's a version of Samson called Danson, which stars Ted Danson.

[1:13:06] Now Mary Steenwolf Virgin is a wolf.

[1:13:08] Yeah, she wants in on the action.

[1:13:10] I get it.

[1:13:10] I want to see this power couple where one of them is a super strong, I guess, former bar

[1:13:15] owner turned demon from hell.

[1:13:16] And the other one is a werewolf who also fell in love with H.G.

[1:13:19] Wells when he was in a time machine.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:21] Think of how jealous Ted Danson would be if his mate could grow hair on cue.

[1:13:27] Aww.

Jordan Morris

[1:13:29] Imagine how different...

[1:13:30] He's like, all I can do is gray gracefully.

[1:13:33] I put the gray in graceful.

[1:13:36] And then he turns into He-Man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:37] Yeah.

[1:13:41] Imagine how much better...

[1:13:43] By the power of gray skills.

[1:13:45] By the power of...

[1:13:46] By the power of just for men, touch a gray skull.

[1:13:52] Oh, it really looks natural.

[1:13:54] Imagine how much better book club would be if it turned out Mary Steenburgen's character

[1:13:58] is a werewolf, that that aspect of it was not in the trailers.

[1:14:02] And all these women my mom's age went to go see it and were like, what?

[1:14:05] Hold on a second.

[1:14:06] Why is she...

[1:14:07] Now she's...

[1:14:08] She grew claws and teeth and killed Craig T. Nelson on their date.

[1:14:12] What's that all about?

[1:14:13] Oh, what a movie.

[1:14:15] Book club.

[1:14:16] Book club.

[1:14:16] The Howling.

[1:14:17] So anyway, Samson...

[1:14:19] So Samson runs until he...

[1:14:22] What I like about this is Samson runs until he passes out from sheer emotion,

[1:14:26] which happened to me one year at summer camp where I was...

[1:14:30] I won't go through the whole story, but I got in a big fight with a counselor,

[1:14:35] and then I got upset with something else and accidentally broke a window,

[1:14:39] and my hands were all cut up because my hands went through the window.

[1:14:43] I was dripped a trail of blood to the nurse's office.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:45] It doesn't sound like an accident.

[1:14:47] It sounds like you had a...

[1:14:48] It sounds like you punched through a window.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:50] I went to push a glass door, and I pushed too hard, and my hands went through.

[1:14:53] That's my story.

[1:14:54] Oh, I did that once.

[1:14:55] And the nurse bandaged me up, and I just lay down on a bed,

[1:14:58] and she was the first person to be nice to me the entire day,

[1:15:01] and I lay down on a bed and passed out just from sheer intensity,

[1:15:04] and it was like, Samson, I feel you.

[1:15:06] You know what?

[1:15:07] Sometimes you get mad, you break through a gate.

[1:15:09] He just wanted to push that door, and instead he smashed it down.

Jordan Morris

[1:15:12] Sometimes they trick you into going into a super fun brothel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:16] Yeah, sometimes.

Jordan Morris

[1:15:17] And then you have to lift a big door.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:19] What I love is it's still a Christian...

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:22] That's a common problem for you, that you're just way too strong

[1:15:26] for these simple mortal things around you, so you just break it down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:31] I'm always crushing telephone handsets, and I'll go to put a quarter in a payphone

[1:15:35] and just bend the quarter into two, and it's like...

[1:15:39] I mean, I will admit that right before I pushed that door, I said,

[1:15:42] God, please, listen to your servant.

[1:15:44] Give me strength to open this door.

[1:15:46] And I pushed so hard that the whole front of the building came out.

[1:15:49] And my 12-year-old beard grew out.

[1:15:53] Anyway, so Delilah finds Samson, passed down this road,

[1:15:57] and Taron visits Samson in a dream in Gladiator Wheat Heaven.

[1:16:01] Another thing they steal from Gladiator, heaven is a...

[1:16:03] Yeah, heaven is a place on Earth full of wheat.

[1:16:06] And Delilah tends to his wounds the way that everybody does in movies set in ancient times,

[1:16:10] which is taking a cloth with water on it

[1:16:12] and just kind of lightly brushing the wounded part of the body.

[1:16:15] Yeah.

[1:16:15] Because that's all they knew of first aid back then.

[1:16:17] There might be some herbs on there.

[1:16:18] There might be some herbs or a tincture.

[1:16:21] Possible.

[1:16:22] Possible herbs.

[1:16:23] And I'll put this under a pH for possible herbs.

[1:16:26] Now, Samson...

Dan McCoy

[1:16:27] Could be some rosemary.

[1:16:29] Samson...

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:30] Oh, yeah, maybe some thyme.

[1:16:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:33] Some mint.

[1:16:34] Yep.

[1:16:34] A little parsley.

[1:16:36] A little parsley.

[1:16:38] Sage.

[1:16:39] Wormwort.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:39] Is that an herb?

[1:16:41] Yeah.

[1:16:41] What about asptone?

[1:16:44] Asptone?

[1:16:44] Basil.

[1:16:45] These are witch ingredients.

[1:16:46] What about like a hand of glory?

[1:16:47] Is that an herb?

[1:16:50] So Samson now goes to visit his mom because he's a loser.

[1:16:54] So he's like, I guess I'll go crash at my parents' place.

[1:16:56] I'm going to go cry to mommy.

[1:16:58] And he says, hey, I think God's forsaken me.

[1:17:01] And he's like, dude, God just gave you the strength to push through the gates of a city.

[1:17:05] Yeah.

[1:17:06] And he's been asking you to do stuff the whole movie and you have not been doing it.

[1:17:09] Like, you're the one.

[1:17:10] This is one of those.

[1:17:11] It's like in a, you know, it's this is, you know, this is that moment for Samson, like that moment in Trainwreck where LeBron James and all of Bill Hader's celebrity cameo friends are like hold that intervention form where they're like, if you don't, if you don't shape up, Amy's going to leave you.

[1:17:27] And it's like, Amy has been terrible to him this entire movie.

[1:17:31] He just he was getting an award for what a great charity doctor he is.

[1:17:34] And she went out and smoked pot in the hallway instead of watching him give a speech.

[1:17:38] Why are his friends not on his side?

[1:17:40] So it's one of those moments where Samson's like, I think God has forsaken me.

[1:17:43] It's like, God is the wronged party in this one, Samson.

[1:17:46] Samson, you don't get to be the hero right now.

Jordan Morris

[1:17:49] Sure, yeah.

[1:17:49] Samson is positively Apatowian in this.

[1:17:52] Yeah.

[1:17:53] Apatowian.

[1:17:54] Excuse me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:54] Yeah, yeah.

[1:17:55] I think I think that's the first time that Elliot identifies with a male character in an Apatow movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:02] Yeah, maybe.

[1:18:03] Otherwise, I'm like, who are these assholes?

[1:18:05] Come on, get a job, folks.

[1:18:06] When I watch an Apatow movie.

[1:18:07] Stop playing video games.

[1:18:08] When I watch an Apatow movie, I turn into Archie Bunker.

[1:18:11] I'm like, get a job, you slobs.

[1:18:14] Work for a living.

[1:18:15] Put those video games down.

[1:18:17] Of course, Archie Bunker never talked about video games.

[1:18:19] They didn't really have them at the time.

[1:18:20] But you know Meathead would be staying up late playing Arkham City or some shit.

[1:18:25] And Archie would be like, hey, what are you doing teabagging all those Overwatch characters?

[1:18:31] So Caleb.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:32] It's like I just killed Stuart's character and I had to celebrate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:36] Finish the man bat missions.

[1:18:38] So Caleb, meanwhile, he just starts arming Hebrews with weapons that he found.

[1:18:43] And he tries to get Samson to lead.

[1:18:44] Hey, guess what Samson says?

[1:18:46] No, I'm not gonna.

[1:18:48] Samson, get your shit together.

[1:18:50] Come on.

[1:18:51] He's too busy flirting with Delilah in the woods.

[1:18:53] But she is still reluctantly working for Prince Rawa.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:57] Oh, they had that scheduled walk where they threw themselves at trees to hold on to for balance and have flirty conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:08] Yeah, about freedom and gods and things like that.

Jordan Morris

[1:19:10] There's a little bit of light bondage being hinted at in this.

[1:19:17] I think she says she wants to tie him down with a rope, a new kind of rope or something.

[1:19:22] Yeah, because what she really means is children.

[1:19:25] Sure.

[1:19:25] She'll tie him down.

[1:19:27] The rope of the umbilical cord.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:29] I think it.

[1:19:30] Which I say only as a joke because I love having kids.

[1:19:33] It's the most.

[1:19:33] Having a son and expecting another son.

[1:19:35] They're the greatest miracles of my life.

[1:19:37] And I love my wife dearly.

[1:19:39] And I'd be with her even if we didn't have kids.

[1:19:40] But I'm glad we do.

[1:19:41] Elliot, do people.

[1:19:41] That's a moment of just sheer sincerity for me.

Jordan Morris

[1:19:44] I was going to ask if people who don't have kids, do we know what love is?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:48] I mean.

[1:19:50] We certainly don't understand the handmaid's tale.

[1:19:52] No, people who don't have kids, I mean, there's certain types of love you'll never know.

[1:19:56] But I'm sure you'll know the love of a tasty bucket of popcorn.

[1:20:01] That's true.

[1:20:02] Yeah, you'll know.

[1:20:03] And you'll also, I mean, you'll also know the love of having a schedule free of real big

[1:20:09] responsibilities where you can just go see a movie whenever you want.

[1:20:12] Oh, yeah.

[1:20:13] Because I can't do that.

[1:20:14] That's a special kind of love.

[1:20:15] You'll know the love of having an extra $500,000 in your pocket because you're not paying

[1:20:19] for some kid to go to school.

[1:20:20] You're paying a degree in what?

[1:20:22] Modern dance?

[1:20:22] Yeah.

[1:20:23] Excuse me, Sammy.

[1:20:24] Are you going to use that?

[1:20:25] You're going to learn classical dance if you're going to get a dance degree.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:27] I love the idea that if one does not have a child, one saves that extra $500,000.

[1:20:34] One is like, oh, look at this money.

[1:20:37] It's just piling up.

[1:20:40] What are you spending it on, Dan?

[1:20:41] We spend it on.

[1:20:43] Bullshit.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:43] Bullshit.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:44] Bullshit.

[1:20:45] Sadness.

[1:20:46] To fill the hole that would be filled with the love of a child.

[1:20:49] A child who spends a lot of the day screaming at you saying, this is too hard.

[1:20:53] I don't want to do it.

[1:20:54] When all you're asking him to do is like, hey, draw a picture for fun.

[1:20:57] Anyway, so parenting.

[1:20:59] What are you going to do?

[1:20:59] I got a tight five minutes on parenting that I think I'll get into now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:02] Hey, who are the parents in the audience?

[1:21:04] I'm glad that you snuck in the, what do we call it?

[1:21:08] The Jewish catchphrase.

[1:21:09] What are you going to do?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:11] Classic new.

[1:21:12] Type five.

[1:21:13] Yeah.

[1:21:13] Yep.

[1:21:14] So Delilah is taunting Samson.

[1:21:16] She's like, I wish I could bind you.

[1:21:17] And he goes, nothing can bind me but new ropes.

[1:21:20] Ropes of souls, I guess.

[1:21:22] But it really like, it is pretty hot, right?

Jordan Morris

[1:21:26] It's like, like, this is a story that like, has a sex element to it.

[1:21:31] Like, sex is a part of this story.

[1:21:33] But because of the Christian audience, this thing has to be so, like, cold and tepid.

[1:21:39] Yeah.

[1:21:40] Yeah.

[1:21:40] Like, even in the brothel, everyone is wearing smocks and helmets.

[1:21:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:44] This is not a Game of Thrones brothel where there's just nude extras walking around being human flesh wallpaper.

[1:21:50] This is like, yeah, everyone in the brothel is wearing, like, a rain poncho.

[1:21:53] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[1:21:55] It's like, this is a story about, you know, sexual temptation, but nothing can be sexy at all because the audience does not want it.

[1:22:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:04] Well, because we're going to show this in a Sunday school class.

[1:22:06] Of course.

[1:22:07] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[1:22:07] This is like, yeah, when the Sunday school teachers hung over, they put on Samson.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:10] It's also one of those things where it's like, we cannot show a hint of anything sexual.

[1:22:15] Can we show a man bludgeoning to death a thousand men?

[1:22:17] Yeah.

[1:22:18] Go for it.

[1:22:18] Just do it.

[1:22:19] Just go for it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:20] That's, I mean, that's kind of sexual.

[1:22:24] Yeah.

[1:22:25] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:25] Okay.

[1:22:26] So Delilah makes Samson fall to the same.

[1:22:29] Dead ass bone, though.

[1:22:34] Yeah.

[1:22:34] Jordan is all about dead ass bone.

[1:22:36] I'm all about dead ass bone.

[1:22:38] So Delilah makes Samson fall to the same trap Taryn made and she goes, how can we be in love if you keep secrets from me?

[1:22:45] And it's like, all right, here are my rules.

[1:22:47] I can't touch dead people.

[1:22:48] I can't drink and I can't cut my hair.

[1:22:49] And I already broke two of the vows.

[1:22:52] So if I cut my hair, I'm done.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:54] And he falls for the same shit two times.

[1:22:57] Like, it's the same rationale.

[1:22:59] Just like, Samson, we can't keep any secrets from each other.

[1:23:02] I mean, like, all right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:04] She's making him jump through a hoop so he can seal the deal.

[1:23:07] You know what I'm talking about?

[1:23:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:08] Now, I'm going to posit a new, this is, let's call this Elliot's Samson theorem, which is, I think Samson is pretty dumb.

[1:23:16] Yeah.

[1:23:16] He's a little dumb.

[1:23:17] And maybe, and it's like, that doesn't surprise me.

[1:23:19] His, he's not famously wise like Solomon.

[1:23:22] And he's not famously cunning like David.

[1:23:25] He is famously strong.

[1:23:27] And not exactly.

[1:23:28] And he's not like, no matter how many crappy riddle contests he wins with his.

[1:23:32] I mean, that's why he comes up with a bad riddle.

[1:23:34] That's because he's dumb.

[1:23:35] That fucking riddle, dude.

[1:23:36] It's like if you were in a riddle contest with a dumb person, they were like, here's my riddle.

[1:23:41] Feathers.

[1:23:42] Plus a can.

[1:23:44] Solve it.

[1:23:45] Like, you're not going to be able to solve that because it's, it makes no sense.

[1:23:48] It's unsolvable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:48] And also like, no riddle should end with you shouting, solve it in my face.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:54] That's part of the riddle.

[1:23:55] Look, that's what, that's what old Jasper, the riddle man, who, if you're going to cross, if you're going to cross his, his prospecting bridge, you got to solve his riddle.

[1:24:03] Otherwise, he just comes up with another riddle and gives you a chance to solve it.

[1:24:07] I want to believe, I think Samson is not very bright.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:10] Yeah.

[1:24:10] I mean, he's had, he's, God has been telling him what he wants this whole time.

[1:24:14] And he's like, but I tried not to drink wine or touch dead people or cut my hair.

[1:24:21] I'm doing everything you asked for.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:23] God's like, don't cut your hair.

[1:24:25] Don't drink wine.

[1:24:26] Don't touch the dead.

[1:24:27] Lead your tribe to freedom.

[1:24:28] I did all that.

[1:24:30] Except for the freedom part.

[1:24:32] But that's probably a minor thing, right?

Jordan Morris

[1:24:33] I'm refusing to do for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:36] But I have been straight edge my entire life.

[1:24:38] That's got to count for something, right, God?

Jordan Morris

[1:24:40] I killed all those foxes.

[1:24:41] Do you think those are bad?

[1:24:42] I thought you did.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:44] I thought you were anti-fox.

[1:24:46] That's why you made them so, you know, cute, I guess.

[1:24:51] So he's, so she's like, ah, cutting the hair off.

[1:24:53] Okay.

[1:24:54] So the Philistines go and attack the Hebrews.

[1:24:56] Delilah is, meanwhile, she drugs Samson with some, maybe she put like a zinc tablet in his

[1:25:01] water.

[1:25:02] I don't know.

[1:25:03] And she cuts off his hair.

[1:25:05] She cuts off his terrible wig.

[1:25:06] Cuts off, I mean, I wish it was just her removing the wig.

Jordan Morris

[1:25:09] Boy, if you want Samson to fall asleep, she should have shown him Samson.

[1:25:14] This movie!

[1:25:16] Holy shit.

[1:25:16] He was a little dull.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:18] Good job.

[1:25:19] Thank you.

[1:25:20] I mean, in the original story, Dan, is that, does it, does she drug him?

[1:25:23] I always assumed that they have sex and then while he's sleeping after sex, she's drug him.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:27] I do not know that.

[1:25:28] Yeah, it's as if she's the perfect drug.

[1:25:31] I do not know that.

[1:25:31] I do know that it's a lot more biblical and that it's like, she asks him three times and

[1:25:38] then like the third time he tells her, you know, like that kind of like, evidence in

[1:25:43] three is in the Bible.

[1:25:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:45] As opposed to here where she asks him once and he's like, yeah, yeah, let me tell you

[1:25:48] about it.

[1:25:49] Here's my, here's my, uh, one trading card.

[1:25:52] List all my weaknesses and strengths.

[1:25:53] There are my power stats.

[1:25:55] Strength, 10, durability.

[1:25:56] Affiliation Jews.

[1:25:59] Affiliation Jews.

[1:25:59] First appearance, book of judges.

[1:26:03] And, uh, yeah, intelligence is a one.

[1:26:05] So please don't take advantage of that.

[1:26:07] That says in the bottom, fun fact, only weakness is his hair can be cut off.

[1:26:10] Affiliation Jews, comma, X-Force.

[1:26:13] He's like, under, under special skills.

[1:26:15] He's a member of X-Force?

[1:26:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:16] Under special skills, it should say riddling, but for some reason it isn't on there.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:21] I'll just write that in.

[1:26:23] How do you spell riddle?

[1:26:24] Uh, forget it.

[1:26:24] Anyway.

[1:26:25] So, uh, so you look at, so this is from a Marvel Universe series, uh, four.

[1:26:30] So all the cards go together to make one big page.

[1:26:33] If you put the nine around it together in your, uh, in your binder sleeves.

[1:26:36] Cool.

[1:26:36] Uh, I was on a page with my other X-Force buddies, Cable, Feral, Domino, Boom, Boom, Cannonball.

[1:26:45] And, and, and, and Strife was in the middle and we're all fighting him.

[1:26:47] So anyway.

[1:26:48] So anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[1:26:49] No, was it Warpath?

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:50] Who was the, who was the Native American guy?

[1:26:52] Yeah, Warpath.

[1:26:52] Yeah, Warpath who was, cause he was the brother of Thunderbird.

[1:26:55] Ugh.

[1:26:56] And he wore Thunderbird's costume.

[1:26:58] X-Force, number one, a comic book I bought five copies of as a kid because they each came

[1:27:02] with a different trading card.

[1:27:04] I can't, I can't, guys, I can't believe I'm on the fluff house.

[1:27:07] Anyway, guys, we've been talking about this for a while.

[1:27:11] So let's just say, uh, Samson instantly loses his strength.

[1:27:14] The, the guards come to take him away in a scene that is less active than the still,

[1:27:21] than the Caravaggio painting of Samson being taken away, which is a brilliant painting and

[1:27:27] manages in it being a static image to have more motion and energy than this live action

[1:27:31] film.

[1:27:32] Ooh, burn.

[1:27:33] So take that and Caravaggio, I'm going to give you some points for this one.

[1:27:36] Points, points, points.

[1:27:38] And the winner is Caravaggio.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:40] There's a, there's a, there's a, there's a cheer for Caravaggio, a jeer for this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:44] Yep.

[1:27:44] Uh, yeah, on the hot sheet, Caravaggio hot, this movie hot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:27:48] Oh man, and I gotta say, another jeer for Delilah's haircutting skills.

[1:27:53] Oh boy.

[1:27:54] Gives him a bowl cut.

[1:27:56] Yeah.

[1:27:56] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:57] Uh, Rollo, uh, he's, he wastes no time in using his sword to poke out Samson's eyes.

[1:28:02] Uh-huh.

[1:28:03] And there's a moment before he does that where Samson with short hair looks like Michael

[1:28:08] Ian Black in the Louis sketch where Louis is at the Last Supper.

[1:28:12] And I was like, okay, Michael Ian Black's Jewish.

[1:28:14] For a moment, Samson looks kind of Jewish.

[1:28:16] Uh, Samson and Caleb are chained up in the dungeon.

[1:28:18] And the prince is like, how do I get your power?

[1:28:21] Tell God to give me your strength.

[1:28:23] And Samson's like, I don't know how to explain this to you, but this is a different kind of

[1:28:27] God who does things through like ethnic race in a way.

[1:28:31] Like he chose us.

[1:28:33] Believe me, if we could have a low frills, no, no head games, God, like Gagon, we would

[1:28:38] be with Dagon.

[1:28:39] A chill, no drama God.

[1:28:41] Dagon is super 420 friendly.

[1:28:44] He's super, he is, he is super chill, laid back.

[1:28:47] Dagon just tells you what he wants and then you do it.

[1:28:50] Not like our Hebrew God who is a bit, look, you got to guess a lot.

[1:28:54] He's always been making you, you know, he's always challenging you and forcing you to earn

[1:28:57] it.

[1:28:57] And it's like at a certain point, hey, I'm not, I can't put the same passion into this

[1:29:03] worship that I did when I was young.

[1:29:04] You know, when we were going out every time and I was worshiping multiple times a night.

[1:29:08] Now, maybe once a week, I just, look, I'm getting older now.

[1:29:11] I'm Samson.

[1:29:12] Anyway, so he's like, that's not how it works.

[1:29:15] The prince argues with his dad about what to do with Samson and shades of gladiator.

[1:29:19] The prince kills the king, immediately takes the Burger King cardboard crown, puts on his

[1:29:23] head.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:24] And at that point, I'm like, I'm checked out.

[1:29:26] I'm just going to watch the trailer for the new fucking Neil Breen movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:30] Was the triggering event of the checkout that Billy Zane was no longer in the movie?

[1:29:36] Yeah, of course.

[1:29:37] Okay.

[1:29:37] I just wanted to clarify that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:38] The heart of the movie is Billy Zane.

[1:29:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:41] Billy Zane in all of his scenes that I assume they shot in one day, maybe two days.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:45] He's like, I wonder what it's like to be a dad.

[1:29:49] Well, I think I'd be stern.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:53] And you know that Billy Zane wasn't around for a while because all of his scenes are on

[1:29:57] the same set.

[1:29:58] They're all in his throne room.

[1:30:00] Delilah frees Samson and Caleb.

[1:30:01] And Samson's like, okay, I get it.

[1:30:03] I'm ready to fight.

[1:30:04] I finally know what God wants me to do.

[1:30:06] And it's like, oh, really?

[1:30:08] Now you, now, okay.

[1:30:10] It took you being, okay.

[1:30:12] Your dad was killed.

[1:30:13] Your wife was killed.

[1:30:14] Your people were being-

[1:30:15] A fox genocide.

[1:30:16] You killed a bunch of foxes.

[1:30:19] You, they poked out your eyes after cutting off your hair and stealing your strength.

[1:30:23] But now you get it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:24] He also killed a thousand men.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:26] And he killed a thousand men.

[1:30:27] But now you understand.

[1:30:28] Okay.

[1:30:28] Then, uh, so in Dagon's temple, the prince, he goes, allow me to introduce my special guest.

[1:30:34] And he calls Samson a special guest, which is another great anachronistic moment.

[1:30:39] Musical guest, Samson!

[1:30:42] And now it's time for the princess Dagon ceremony.

[1:30:45] Feet, Samson!

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:46] And the, uh, machine.

[1:30:48] So when, when he's being taken to this ceremony, we see his brother.

[1:30:54] Does his brother get released and just, he can do whatever the fuck he wants?

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:58] Well, yeah.

[1:30:58] Caleb escapes.

[1:30:59] I mean, Delilah lets them both go and Caleb just runs away.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:02] But he comes back for the ceremony and like, you gotta recognize that beard, dude.

[1:31:07] It's huge.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:08] They don't recognize him because he's got a hood over his head.

[1:31:11] Oh, cool.

[1:31:12] Okay.

[1:31:13] And everyone's like, because as, as shown earlier by the scene where Samson is leering at two

[1:31:17] fully covered up women at a well, robes and hoods were pretty sexy back in that time.

[1:31:23] So people are like, say, who's the hood?

[1:31:25] And a guy with sunglasses looks down over the lenses.

[1:31:28] And you hear.

[1:31:29] Yep.

[1:31:30] Yeah.

[1:31:31] Oh, yeah.

[1:31:33] And so, uh, so they chain Samson up.

[1:31:36] They flog him for a while.

[1:31:37] Everyone cheers.

[1:31:38] This goes on for a while.

[1:31:39] And hey, guess what Samson does?

[1:31:42] I'll give you one guess, people at home.

[1:31:43] You guess praise to God for strength.

[1:31:45] You got it.

[1:31:46] That's exactly what he does.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:47] It's his, it's his one special move.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:49] And as a lightning storm rages, he slowly pushes over the plaster of Paris temple pillars.

[1:31:55] And these two pillars, this is an enormous temple.

[1:31:57] It's huge.

[1:31:58] These two pillars seem to be the only load bearing pillars in the entire building.

[1:32:01] Yeah.

[1:32:01] Because the whole temple collapses.

[1:32:03] Delilah is crushed by a rock.

[1:32:05] And Dagon's statue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:06] And she doesn't even get like a final shot.

[1:32:08] Like.

[1:32:08] No.

[1:32:09] It's just somebody else probably wearing her wig getting crushed by a rock.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:14] Yeah.

[1:32:14] And I wonder if originally they were like, oh, we want Delilah to escape so she can be in the sequel.

[1:32:19] And then, eh, forget it.

[1:32:20] We'll just crush her.

[1:32:21] And then there's this Dagon statue on top of the, I was about to say the hotel, on top of the temple.

[1:32:26] And what I love is it kind of like hops down.

[1:32:29] And then it falls onto the prince.

[1:32:31] And it's a little bit like, that would happen in a movie.

[1:32:33] And the implication would be like, oh, the god that he abandoned has gotten his revenge.

[1:32:38] But I don't think the Christian movie, I don't think it's supposed to be like, psych, Dagon was real and he's mad now.

[1:32:43] And now we fight CGI Dagon.

[1:32:45] Come on.

[1:32:45] This is the end.

[1:32:46] The movie needed.

[1:32:47] They're all crushed by the temples.

[1:32:49] This is your other Marquis Samson moment is when he pushes the pillars over while we're all waiting for it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:53] We don't even see Samson get crushed.

[1:32:55] He just wiggles between these two fucking cardboard pillars and then it's over.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:00] And then you have a little VO from Caleb sounding very audio boothy.

[1:33:05] It really sounds like it was recorded in a small cupboard somewhere.

[1:33:08] And he says, Samson died.

[1:33:11] It's like a podcast.

Jordan Morris

[1:33:12] Before he starts to hear Caleb say, can we swear on this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:17] And then he starts talking about stamps.com.

[1:33:19] Stamps.com?

Jordan Morris

[1:33:20] Yeah, he doesn't ask.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:21] Sams.com?

[1:33:22] Which is the Samson version.

[1:33:25] Sams.com.

[1:33:27] Sams.com sends you a free scale to measure the jawbones you'll be mailing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:32] Sorry, Stuart, you were saying.

[1:33:33] He's like, I haven't listened before.

[1:33:36] Do we do characters on this?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:39] So we've started.

[1:33:40] We started recording or.

[1:33:41] Yeah, yeah.

[1:33:41] We just started.

[1:33:42] Anyway.

[1:33:42] So I first started acting when I was 16 years old.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:46] He gets on and immediately apologized for the audio quality.

[1:33:50] Trying out a new mic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:53] So he says, Samson inspired us.

[1:33:55] And then we rose up into battle, we Hebrews.

[1:33:58] And then it goes, and eventually we would have a Jewish king when on the field of battle, a giant Philistine, Goliath, would face David.

[1:34:07] And you just see King David, David the shepherd boy, his feet walking along like with a sling hanging down.

[1:34:15] And then it cuts to black as he's about to hurl the rock at Goliath.

[1:34:18] And it's like, is that just a tease for the next movie in the Jewish cinematic universe?

[1:34:24] David?

[1:34:24] Like the JCU is going to move up.

[1:34:26] We've got a 10 year plan.

[1:34:27] The Juistice League.

[1:34:28] Yeah.

[1:34:30] The Juistice League.

[1:34:31] Yes.

[1:34:32] It's David V. Goliath, Dawn of Juistice.

[1:34:34] Sure, yeah.

Jordan Morris

[1:34:35] And then Job comes up, hey, room for one more.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:40] He's like, you think you've seen suffering?

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:44] And so it's like, when people are like, it's weird they started the Marvel U cinematic universe with Iron Man.

[1:34:49] And people are going to look back and like, it's kind of weird that Samson started out as the first movie.

[1:34:52] And nobody knew that Black Panther, which I guess would be the story of, I guess, Sammy Davis Jr.

[1:34:59] Or that would be the biggest hit of all.

[1:35:03] But it was like, they felt like they knew the story of Samson is super unsatisfying.

[1:35:09] So they were like, let's throw in a little bit of another story you know.

[1:35:12] King David, right?

[1:35:13] Everybody loves him, don't they?

Dan McCoy

[1:35:16] What are you saying?

[1:35:16] That like a guy committing suicide by pulling pillars down on himself at the end isn't a satisfying ending?

[1:35:22] After he's been blinded.

[1:35:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:25] I mean, it could be a satisfying ending if they had built up to it properly or if the movie was any good.

[1:35:30] It did feel a little bit like they're watching people, test audience watching the movie.

[1:35:37] They're like, okay, don't like Samson.

[1:35:38] Not crazy about the Samson.

[1:35:40] Well, what about this guy?

[1:35:41] He looks cool, doesn't he?

[1:35:43] Hey, what about this?

Jordan Morris

[1:35:44] He's like giants, right?

[1:35:45] And killing them?

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:46] They pull a real Hogan family on it where they're like, oh, it's about King David now.

[1:35:50] It's no longer about Samson.

[1:35:52] Samson left.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:53] All right, guys.

[1:35:54] We've gone on about as long as a normal episode just talking about the movie.

[1:36:00] Just talking about Samson.

[1:36:00] Yeah.

[1:36:00] So we got to speed through our final judgments.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:03] We'll edit out all the bad jokes.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:05] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:06] Yeah, Dan usually edit these pretty heavily, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:36:10] Edit out the bubble promo.

[1:36:11] People are tired of those.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:13] What I love is that people are going to be like, oh, this is a long episode.

[1:36:16] It's like two and a half hours.

[1:36:17] It must have been a special movie.

[1:36:18] Samson?

[1:36:19] What?

[1:36:23] So, Dan, are we doing final judgments?

Dan McCoy

[1:36:26] Final judgments.

[1:36:27] This is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[1:36:29] I'm just going to say it's a bad bad movie.

[1:36:32] It was boring.

[1:36:32] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:33] Oh, man.

[1:36:34] It was so fucking boring.

[1:36:35] Oh, it's bad.

[1:36:36] But those wigs and beards and Billy Zane.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:39] I'm on the Stuart boat with this one.

[1:36:41] Bad bad movie until those beards showed up.

[1:36:43] And then I was like, I'm going to get a marginal good bad.

[1:36:46] Stick with it until the beards.

[1:36:47] It's worth your while.

Jordan Morris

[1:36:49] Yeah, I think if you're into like Christian kitsch, if you, you know,

[1:36:53] like kind of goofing on, you know, well-meaning but backwards Christian

[1:36:58] entertainment, there's some fun to be had.

[1:37:00] So, good bad under the right circumstances.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:03] Yeah, Dan's just dragging it because he doesn't like that fucking sweet riddle.

[1:37:06] But you better watch that for that riddle, man.

[1:37:08] I'm so angry about that riddle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:12] And Dan, it's not even the movie's fault, Dan.

[1:37:14] Like you said, that's from the original source.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:17] Yeah, back when they know how a riddle should be written.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:19] Honestly, like the thing I like the most about the movie is that it's true to the Bible.

[1:37:23] Because like that makes it wacky in a way that the movie, like I kind of assumed that the

[1:37:28] movie would just be using the Bible as a jumping off point for some total like fantasy bullshit.

[1:37:34] Yeah.

[1:37:35] And like, no, they kept in all the weird stuff like tying torches to foxes and making them run through fields.

[1:37:44] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:46] Yeah.

[1:37:46] So, you're saying it's a good movie?

[1:37:48] It feels like they could have used a few more writers in that writer's room is what you're

[1:37:51] saying about the Bible, huh?

Dan McCoy

[1:37:53] I think that the Bible had plenty of writers in the writer's room.

[1:37:57] I think if there's one thing we can say about the Bible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:59] Moses writing down what God said.

[1:38:01] Actually, to be honest, I mean, the Bible had, it was pulled from many different sources

[1:38:05] by many different people over centuries.

[1:38:07] But I do like the idea, because it is very close to working in a TV writer's room, that

[1:38:11] Moses was sitting at a tablet carving whatever God just dictated to him while God paced around

[1:38:17] the room.

[1:38:17] God's writer's assistant.

[1:38:18] Yeah, and occasionally just picked out of a big bowl of candy.

[1:38:21] It was like, oh, what are we doing next?

[1:38:23] Okay.

[1:38:24] Doing bumps.

[1:38:26] Now Job, yeah, now they kill his kids too.

[1:38:30] Oh, and all his cattle.

[1:38:31] Hey, put that in.

[1:38:31] No, no, no, no.

[1:38:32] Put the cattle first.

[1:38:33] No, wait.

[1:38:34] Okay, move that around.

[1:38:35] No, no.

[1:38:35] Take out that period.

[1:38:36] Make that a comma.

[1:38:37] And Moses is like, I'm carving this into tablets.

[1:38:39] Like, it's very hard for me to make changes on the fly like this.

[1:38:43] But that's what it was like in the Bible's writer's room.

[1:38:46] They're like, hey, do you think we've landed on the trope of not being able to trust women

[1:38:50] too many times?

[1:38:51] Nah, put the story in.

[1:38:53] Put it in.

[1:38:53] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:38:58] Hi, everybody.

[1:38:59] I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:39:01] I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

[1:39:03] And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

[1:39:05] Me and 3,000 of your closest friends.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:07] Just found your next podcast obsession.

[1:39:10] Serial.

[1:39:12] Okay, but like, the second best podcast.

[1:39:15] 99% miserable.

Jordan Morris

[1:39:17] Oh, f***.

[1:39:17] Just listen to my brother, my brother, and me on MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[1:39:20] There you go.

[1:39:21] Perfect.

[1:39:22] Perfect.

[1:39:22] Thank you.

S5

[1:39:29] You probably know that MaxFun podcasters are funny in the talking way.

[1:39:35] But did you know they also are funny in the writing way?

[1:39:38] We are very excited to announce that John Hodgman and Paula Poundstone wrote books that have been named as semi-finalists for the 2018 Thurber Prize for American Humor.

[1:39:49] John Hodgman, celebrated fake internet court presider, is the host of Judge John Hodgman and was recognized for his book Vacation Land.

[1:39:58] Paula Poundstone's book is called The Totally Unscientific Study of the Search for Human Happiness.

[1:40:03] And you can hear her expound on happiness and many other topics on her new podcast, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone.

[1:40:10] The Thurber Prize is one of the highest awards for human writing in the United States, and we are proud to have both these authors on Maximum Fun every week.

[1:40:19] Paula Poundstone and John Hodgman, congratulations.

Dan McCoy

[1:40:28] All right, but moving on to our beloved sponsors.

[1:40:35] We have but one sponsor tonight.

[1:40:38] Hold on, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40:41] For a moment, I thought you were saying our sponsor was then called but one.

[1:40:47] And I don't even know what business that would be.

[1:40:49] We got very excited.

[1:40:50] Who is our real sponsor?

Dan McCoy

[1:40:52] Our real sponsor is Blue Apron.

[1:40:55] Blue Apron delivers fresh, pre-proportioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes pre-portioned.

[1:41:03] Why did I say pre-proportioned?

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:04] I don't know.

[1:41:05] I mean, pre-proportioned works, too.

[1:41:06] It's the proportion of the different ingredients to each other.

[1:41:08] Just keep working.

[1:41:09] Just keep going.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:10] Step-by-step recipes right to your door.

[1:41:12] They can be cooked in under...

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:13] It's not like you said pre-porpoise.

[1:41:15] Like, that would be crazy.

[1:41:17] So, Dan, you're saying they give you the ingredients straight to your door.

[1:41:20] It's already measured out in the proper portions.

[1:41:22] And then what kind of ingredients are these?

[1:41:24] What kind of food?

Stuart Wellington

[1:41:24] Yeah, just talking about these ingredients.

[1:41:27] Dan's slobbering all over his shirt.

[1:41:28] He's going to have to change his shirt.

Dan McCoy

[1:41:31] I don't know what kind of...

[1:41:33] I mean, you got things like seared chicken and tangy barbecue sauce and juicy cheeseburgers

[1:41:39] with spicy slaw.

[1:41:41] You're making me skip around on the copy.

[1:41:43] That's the problem.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41:44] Oh, I apologize, sir.

[1:41:46] You're right, because this is the first Blue Apron spot we've done before.

[1:41:50] No, no.

[1:41:51] I apologize for throwing you off and trying to bring some life into this read.

[1:41:56] With my genuine enthusiasm for Blue Apron and the food that it delivers, which I think is really good.

[1:42:01] I do, too.

[1:42:01] Yeah, it's a really good product and company.

[1:42:03] But, Dan, continue.

[1:42:05] What else does it say?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:08] Look, I don't need to go through all the deals.

[1:42:13] Blue Apron is a delicious meal service.

[1:42:18] The beauty of it is...

[1:42:20] Here's one thing that's great about Blue Apron.

[1:42:22] You buy things for a regular recipe.

[1:42:26] You're buying greens for a regular recipe.

[1:42:28] You've got all this extra shit lying around.

[1:42:32] You know, you buy, like, some parsley.

[1:42:34] And then you've got a whole head of parsley.

[1:42:36] And you're like, what am I going to make with all this parsley?

[1:42:38] Tabbouleh?

[1:42:39] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42:40] Here's a situation I've been in.

[1:42:41] I think we all have been.

[1:42:43] What am I going to do with the rest of this xanthan gum?

[1:42:45] I don't have a use for all this xanthan gum.

[1:42:48] Why'd I need so much of it?

Dan McCoy

[1:42:49] Too much cardamom.

[1:42:51] Yeah.

[1:42:52] Blue Apron just gives you exactly the amount of food you need to make the food that you want.

[1:42:57] All right?

[1:42:58] Uh-huh.

[1:42:58] And less waste.

[1:43:00] That sounds great.

[1:43:02] Yeah.

[1:43:02] Less waste, more haste.

[1:43:03] It's wonderful.

[1:43:04] So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:43:10] That's blueapron.com slash flophouse.

[1:43:13] Get your first three meals free.

[1:43:17] Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

[1:43:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43:21] And I'll just say it.

[1:43:22] You don't have to get it just for yourself.

[1:43:23] You know somebody who's going to have trouble cooking for themselves.

[1:43:27] Maybe they're going to have a baby.

[1:43:29] Maybe they're recovering from, I don't know, being injured or something like that.

[1:43:33] Or maybe, just maybe, they're really stressed out and they got a lot going on and you want

[1:43:36] to help take some of the pressure off of them.

[1:43:39] Get them some Blue Apron stuff.

[1:43:40] Or maybe, maybe.

[1:43:41] They don't really appreciate it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:42] Maybe your parents just want to treat and feel like millennials for a change.

[1:43:47] You know?

Dan McCoy

[1:43:50] By having Blue Apron, that's what's going to make them feel like millennials?

[1:43:52] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43:53] Get them the avocado package or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[1:43:54] All right.

[1:43:58] So, now it's time for Letters from Listeners.

[1:44:01] Uh-huh.

[1:44:02] I'm going to abbreviate this a little bit.

[1:44:03] Just do a couple.

[1:44:04] Wow.

[1:44:05] Edit them.

[1:44:05] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:06] I mean, that's the kind of thing you don't even have to announce.

[1:44:12] Look, I don't want to...

[1:44:13] That's the kind of thing you can just do.

[1:44:15] Yeah.

[1:44:15] And because we're running late, I won't sing a song.

[1:44:18] I'll sing two songs next time, maybe.

[1:44:20] Oh, okay.

[1:44:21] Even Jordan and I had this really cool thing planned.

[1:44:23] We did.

[1:44:23] There was harmonies and everything.

[1:44:25] Oh, it was elaborate.

[1:44:26] We rehearsed for weeks.

Jordan Morris

[1:44:27] Yeah, it was like a boys to men song.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:28] Oh, yeah.

[1:44:29] It was...

[1:44:29] I mean, it was a parody of a boys to men song.

[1:44:31] But it was really good.

[1:44:33] Yeah.

[1:44:33] It was called Motown Philistine.

[1:44:36] Is that the one that...

[1:44:37] I always thought about letters.

Stuart Wellington

[1:44:38] Is that the one from Lethal Weapon Part 3?

Elliott Kalan

[1:44:43] Probably.

[1:44:44] Sure.

[1:44:44] Okay.

[1:44:45] Maybe.

[1:44:45] Let me...

[1:44:46] Hold on.

[1:44:46] Wait.

[1:44:46] It's Butt 1, Boys 2, Men, Lethal Weapon 3.

[1:44:50] Yeah, yeah.

[1:44:50] It all works.

[1:44:51] Mm-hmm.

[1:44:53] So, Dan, letters.

Dan McCoy

[1:44:54] Yeah, this first one is from Daniel, last name withheld.

[1:44:58] McCoy.

[1:44:59] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:00] Dear Dan, you're my favorite.

[1:45:01] I love you.

[1:45:02] Love me.

[1:45:03] I mean, a listener.

Dan McCoy

[1:45:05] The listener guessed that you were going to go with Day-Lewis.

[1:45:08] Oh, okay.

[1:45:09] Oh, that's fair.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:11] I mean, he's incredibly successful, though, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:45:14] Yeah.

[1:45:15] Wait, what...

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:16] I don't understand what you're...

[1:45:17] I mean, like, it's not...

[1:45:19] It's not that close.

[1:45:20] Like, Dan McCoy...

[1:45:21] I don't get what you're saying.

[1:45:22] I mean, like...

[1:45:23] His eyes finally on a downward...

[1:45:25] I mean, in my field, I've kind of reached the...

Dan McCoy

[1:45:28] I mean, like, one of the, like, the highest plateaus you could.

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:32] Yeah, I mean, that's what you're shooting for.

[1:45:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're the Daniel Day-Lewis of topical comedy staff writing.

[1:45:36] Anyway, Dan, what's the letter say?

Dan McCoy

[1:45:39] This one says...

[1:45:40] What if...

Elliott Kalan

[1:45:41] Dan, you're the Daniel Day-Lewis of podcasting, and you've just been inhabiting this Dan McCoy

[1:45:46] character all this time?

Dan McCoy

[1:45:48] Uh-huh.

[1:45:48] Whoa.

[1:45:49] I mean, in some ways, I am inhabiting a Dan McCoy character, but go on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45:52] It's like if somebody...

[1:45:54] It's true.

[1:45:54] If a guy named Stuart wrote in, and he thought we were all going to guess Stuart Pankin.

[1:46:00] Character Stuart Pankin.

[1:46:01] Sure.

[1:46:02] Not necessarily the news character Stuart Pankin.

[1:46:03] It's the same equivalent.

[1:46:05] Who we all remember.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:07] Everyone recalls comedy character actor Stuart Pankin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:12] Yep.

[1:46:15] It's the same thing, is what I'm trying to say.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:19] Top of his game sort of guy.

[1:46:21] You vamp while I look up Stuart Pankin now.

[1:46:25] Why?

[1:46:25] Read the letter, Dan.

[1:46:26] He's going to be second sight, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:29] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:46:30] No.

[1:46:32] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:33] Dan, if you want to know if he gave his name to Panko Crumbs.

[1:46:37] No, he did not.

[1:46:39] That's not related to him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:46:40] That'd be under trivia or goofs.

[1:46:42] His most recent...

[1:46:44] Can actors' pages have goofs?

Dan McCoy

[1:46:46] His most recent credit is he was in something called See Ya, which is a TV series.

[1:46:51] He's apparently.

[1:46:52] Uh-huh.

[1:46:53] He was in one...

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:53] Oh, the prequel still wouldn't want to be, then.

[1:46:54] He was...

[1:46:55] He was...

Dan McCoy

[1:46:55] He was...

[1:46:56] He was...

Elliott Kalan

[1:46:58] He was...

Dan McCoy

[1:47:03] So, Dan, this is what the letter writer wrote in about?

[1:47:05] Mr. Pankin?

Stuart Wellington

[1:47:07] Yeah, he's like...

Dan McCoy

[1:47:08] Yeah, you don't have time to read all of my letter.

[1:47:11] He was in one episode where he played a character called Morris.

[1:47:16] Presumably a cat of some kind.

[1:47:17] Yeah, I can only assume.

[1:47:20] Anyway.

[1:47:21] Cool.

[1:47:22] Okay, so we got that covered.

[1:47:23] So, that's the first letter.

[1:47:24] Thanks for that letter.

[1:47:26] No, he writes,

[1:47:27] In September, I will be making my first ever trip to New York.

[1:47:31] I've already planned out the Flophouse experience.

[1:47:34] A beer at Hinterland's Bar, Stuart.

[1:47:36] Yeah, I support that.

[1:47:37] Getting the Kalen Special at Popeye's.

[1:47:39] Four-piece mild, biscuit, red beans, and rice.

[1:47:42] No drink.

[1:47:43] No drink.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:45] But eat that biscuit up.

[1:47:46] It's good stuff.

[1:47:46] That counts as the drink.

Dan McCoy

[1:47:48] And, I don't know, sitting on a park bench...

[1:47:51] And, I don't know, sitting on a park bench questioning my own existence, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47:56] So, I was wondering...

[1:47:58] No, no, no.

[1:47:59] Dan does that in his apartment.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:00] Okay.

[1:48:01] I go to the park sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:04] Okay, good.

[1:48:04] You're right.

[1:48:05] I apologize.

Jordan Morris

[1:48:06] That's when you throw the bread on the ground and the pigeons don't eat it.

[1:48:10] Yeah, because Dan is Ziggy?

[1:48:14] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:16] Anyway, Ziggy, continue.

[1:48:18] Boy, I will not answer to Ziggy, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:23] Okay, Dan.

[1:48:24] Continue with the letter.

[1:48:25] I apologize.

Dan McCoy

[1:48:26] So, I was wondering if there were any movie-related activities you would recommend.

[1:48:29] Any famous shooting locations worth checking out?

[1:48:32] Any particular theaters to visit?

[1:48:34] Keep up with the great work, and I look forward to being too shy to talk to Stuart if he's working when I visit.

[1:48:38] But I'm sure my girlfriend will talk to him.

[1:48:41] That's from Daniel.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48:43] Cool.

[1:48:43] A lot of the movie sites that I used to go by have changed.

[1:48:48] Because New York has changed so much over the past five, ten years.

[1:48:52] I'm trying to think if there are any in particular that are still around.

[1:48:56] Like, there used to be, like, a ton of the shooting sites for Taxi Driver used to be around, and they're all gone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:01] You can still take the Sex and the City tour.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:07] I'll give you that.

[1:49:08] I mean, if you're...

[1:49:09] Go on.

[1:49:10] No, no.

[1:49:11] I was just going to talk about the Brooklyn Pizza tour, but he's probably going to be spending most of his time in Manhattan.

[1:49:15] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49:15] You can go see that fucking Ghostbusters house.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:18] Yeah, Ghostbusters house is still there, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:49:20] Ghostbusters house?

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:21] Yeah, it's where they all live.

[1:49:22] It's a fucking house.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:23] It's their house that they live in.

[1:49:25] I don't know if that's the way I would say.

[1:49:26] Are you saying they would correct?

[1:49:27] After they busted ghosts.

[1:49:29] No, they go home to the firehouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:30] They live in the firehouse.

[1:49:30] They sleep there?

[1:49:31] Yeah, because they don't have any other place to go.

[1:49:33] Because they're kicked out of their homes.

[1:49:34] Is it Columbia there sleeping?

[1:49:36] If you call what Ray Stans is doing, sleeping.

Dan McCoy

[1:49:39] Yeah, where does Ray have his blowjob dreams, if not in that firehouse?

Elliott Kalan

[1:49:44] Exactly.

[1:49:46] Ah, blowjob dreams.

[1:49:47] I remember when that was part of the TNBC Saturday morning lineup after Saved by the Bell.

[1:49:52] So, but, I mean, there's a lot of great...

[1:49:55] I mean, if you look up, like, New York shooting locations online, you'll find a lot of great...

[1:50:00] stuff.

[1:50:02] You know, there are a lot of things that are still there that are worth seeing and worth doing.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:05] I mean, if you look up New York shooting locations online, you might get the wrong thing.

[1:50:10] Oh, boy.

Jordan Morris

[1:50:11] Hey, and if you're coming out to LA, buddy, come on out to Universal Studios.

[1:50:15] Ride the movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:17] Coming soon, best, the Furious, the ride.

[1:50:19] If you're looking for, like, beyond just, like, places where movies were shot in New York, and you just want movie stuff, you should go to the Museum of the Moving Image.

[1:50:32] Oh, Queens, yeah.

[1:50:33] And check out, they've still got the...

[1:50:35] I believe that the Jim Henson exhibit is now a permanent exhibit up there, and it's a great exhibit.

[1:50:41] It's fantastic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:50:42] And you were also...

[1:50:43] Dan was telling me he...

[1:50:45] You're a big fan of movie props, so you're always going to Planet Hollywood.

Dan McCoy

[1:50:52] Yeah, I don't know if you've heard about this little indie restaurant called Planet Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50:58] I will say, if you're interested in a little bit of New York history, then why not go to Brooklyn and go to the New York Transit Museum, where you'll see an amazing collection of antique subway cars.

[1:51:09] And it's in the tunnels, where they shot my favorite movie, The Taking of Peloton 1-2-3.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:15] Great.

[1:51:15] Can I...

[1:51:16] He should just go to Clamp Tower, right, from Gremlins 2?

Dan McCoy

[1:51:21] I don't know how to write this to you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:23] You keep saying you're going to take me there, Dan, but I think you're lying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:26] Yeah, because you really want to see one of those shows being filmed, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:29] Yeah, I want to see one of the...

[1:51:31] I want to hope to see a Gremlin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:33] I love the idea that Stuart has his whole day planned at Clamp Tower.

[1:51:37] First, we're going to go see the shows.

[1:51:39] Frozen yogurt later.

[1:51:41] We're going to take the tour.

[1:51:42] I hope Dean Cates is giving it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:51:44] But not too late.

[1:51:46] You know what I mean?

[1:51:47] I don't want to eat that frozen yogurt after midnight.

[1:51:49] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51:50] Or you might turn into a crabby Gremlin.

[1:51:54] Sure.

[1:51:55] Is that what you call Sammy when he gets mad?

[1:51:58] It will be from now on.

[1:51:59] I hadn't thought about that.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:02] So this is the next letter.

[1:52:04] It's from Clint, last name withheld.

[1:52:08] It's titled, Subject, Baby's First Movie, Reanimator.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52:14] Interesting parenting ideas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52:16] Weird sequel to Baby's Day Out.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:18] As my subject indicates, my three-month-old daughter's first-ever movie was Reanimator.

[1:52:24] To defend myself, I was late-night feeding and foggy-brained, wanted to watch something besides a dark wall.

[1:52:31] Reanimator popped onto my laptop, and I was midway finished when I glanced down and noticed my daughter staring intently with me.

[1:52:38] It felt like a precious moment.

[1:52:40] And we co-viewed the movie all the way through and have since watched Castle Freak and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 together from start to finish.

[1:52:47] Okay, call child projective services.

Jordan Morris

[1:52:48] Yeah, you gotta see one before you see two.

Dan McCoy

[1:52:50] I mean, showing them two?

[1:52:51] Take that kid away!

[1:52:54] We tried Coco and Toy Story, movies I also love, but Baby Charlotte lasted a mere 20 minutes into either.

[1:53:02] My theory is there's something about the mood lining of 80s horror, I know Castle Freak is 95, but it feels like 80s, that soothes her versus the frenetic energy of Pixar.

[1:53:12] I'm worried about my choice in films, as was my wife, but I argue that they make no meaningful sense to my daughter yet.

[1:53:20] All the blood and the severed heads are just color splashes and shapes.

[1:53:24] My question is, Elliot, what was and or will be your children's first movies?

[1:53:30] Congrats on your second, by the way.

[1:53:32] Oh, thank you.

[1:53:33] And for Dan and Stu, what would you recommend for other people's children, or yours, if, when, in the future?

[1:53:39] I'm thinking not of appropriate kiddie movies, but actual adult films, perhaps even horror.

[1:53:45] Flop Till You Die, Clint.

[1:53:47] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:47] I will say, this reminded me of my first movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:53:50] Wait, am I supposed to recommend an adult film?

Jordan Morris

[1:53:54] Yeah, my kid's first movie will be Real Sex 4.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53:57] Wow.

[1:53:58] Oh, that's one of the good ones.

[1:53:59] Yeah, Real Sex 4 is.

[1:54:00] Hot.

[1:54:01] When I was a baby, apparently my first movie that I ever attended was a screening of Atlantic City, the Louisville movie, because my parents took me and my sister as little babies to go see it.

[1:54:12] And apparently, my sister couldn't stop crying.

[1:54:15] They had to take her out of the theater.

[1:54:16] But me, I was pretty engrossed in the story of what Burt Lancaster and Susan Sarandon.

[1:54:20] I've never seen Atlantic City as an adult.

[1:54:22] I'd only seen it as a baby.

[1:54:24] My son, I don't remember what his first, his first full-length movie, the first movie he ever saw in the theaters was Cars 3.

[1:54:32] That's the first feature film he saw in the theater.

[1:54:34] But before that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:34] He's crazy for Cars, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:54:36] He loves Cars.

[1:54:37] He loves Cars movies.

[1:54:38] Both the thing and the movies.

[1:54:41] And the movie.

[1:54:42] And he, actually, Jordan came over before, he's over recording at my house, and Sammy was sure to tell him a lot about his favorite characters from the Cars movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54:51] And Jordan, what did you have to say about those characters?

[1:54:54] Were you dogging on them?

[1:54:56] Were you not into them?

Jordan Morris

[1:54:57] Oh, man, I ripped the Cars-averse apart.

[1:54:59] I made Sammy cry.

[1:55:01] Oh, it was terrible.

[1:55:02] I'm like, Shrek forever, baby.

[1:55:04] If you're not down with Shrek, you're not down with me.

[1:55:07] And then I pushed him into mud.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:08] Oh, why'd you do that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:55:10] Because that's what Shrek would have done.

[1:55:11] And then he started crouching and standing and crouching over.

[1:55:14] I did, yes.

[1:55:15] I teabagged Elliot's son.

[1:55:16] Don't do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:17] Because he isn't into Shrek enough.

[1:55:19] But I think his first movie that he ever saw might have been The Wizard of Oz, but skipping past the witch scenes.

[1:55:27] And now, my son and I are on a project.

[1:55:30] We're watching all the Marx Brothers movies in chronological order.

[1:55:33] And we just finished A Day at the Races.

[1:55:35] So you know what that means.

[1:55:36] The movies are about to get bad.

[1:55:37] Everything's terrible.

[1:55:38] Yeah.

[1:55:40] Hello, room service.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:42] Room service is okay.

[1:55:44] It's just based on a play.

[1:55:45] So it doesn't really feel like a Marx Brothers movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:47] But anyway, I like to think I've been showing my son appropriate movies.

[1:55:50] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:55:51] Well, you just dismissed that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55:53] But we don't need to talk about room service right now.

[1:55:56] Okay.

[1:55:57] But I will say that it's, I kind of want to do what my dad did for me.

[1:56:01] Which is when I was, I think, eight years old.

[1:56:04] I've told this story many times on the podcast.

[1:56:06] My dad borrowed his friend's copy of Robocop.

[1:56:09] Never having seen it.

[1:56:10] And we watched it together.

[1:56:11] And I was like, I'd never seen anything so horrifically bloody.

[1:56:16] And now I've got a weird association with violence in the movies.

[1:56:21] So maybe I'll do that to my son.

[1:56:23] But okay, guys.

[1:56:23] What movies would you show to kids?

Dan McCoy

[1:56:26] I'm not sure about that question.

[1:56:29] So I remember the first movie I saw in the theater.

[1:56:32] I was just talking, so it doesn't matter what I was saying.

[1:56:35] It's fine.

[1:56:36] Oh, boy.

[1:56:36] Keep on going.

[1:56:37] Okay, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56:38] I'm sorry.

[1:56:38] Go.

[1:56:39] No, no, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:56:40] I just, I mean, I feel like the fact that I was saying something supersedes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56:45] Guys, guys, wait.

[1:56:46] When did we become the Ramones?

[1:56:47] Wait a second.

Jordan Morris

[1:56:49] Yeah, which one of you is the conservative one?

[1:56:51] Which one of you is Johnny?

Dan McCoy

[1:56:53] No, I also was going to say that I don't know what movie I would expose a child to.

[1:56:57] I just was going to go into what movie I saw that was an adult movie in the theater.

[1:57:03] And not adult in the deep throat way.

[1:57:06] Thank you for clarifying.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57:08] Adult in more of a behind the green doorway.

Dan McCoy

[1:57:11] I remember going to see Romancing the Stone as a child and thinking it was the most awesome thing I'd ever seen.

[1:57:17] Which I think is really funny now that I'm an adult.

[1:57:19] Because not that I don't think that Romancing the Stone is awesome.

[1:57:22] Because I still feel that way about Romancing the Stone.

[1:57:25] But so much of it is about the idea of despairing that you're ever going to have a romantic relationship.

[1:57:35] And then finding romance unexpectedly.

[1:57:38] And just this crazy adventure happening to a woman who is so alone in her life.

[1:57:49] And that's like the adult theme in the movie.

[1:57:52] And for me to relate to that as a child I think is absurd.

[1:57:56] It's in like the same way that for some reason when I was a kid I watched Dear John.

[1:58:00] The Judd Hirsch sitcom about a guy getting divorced.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:04] Yeah, yeah.

[1:58:05] The one where his friend is the guy who plays that fucking guy from Justify.

[1:58:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:12] Winn Duffy.

[1:58:13] Yeah, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58:15] Dan, I have this image of you as a kid watching Romancing the Stone.

[1:58:18] And she's like, when will I find a man?

[1:58:20] And you're just munching on popcorn going, ugh, I'm with you sister.

[1:58:25] And it's swimsuit season.

Stuart Wellington

[1:58:26] I loved Romancing the Stone so much as a kid that I think I was in first grade where I wrote a short story with illustrations that I drew myself.

[1:58:41] That was basically me plagiarizing the entire plot of Romancing the Stone.

[1:58:47] But up to the point where the snake character is introduced that Michael Douglas kills.

[1:58:53] And instead of getting killed, the snake kills him and then becomes the main character for the rest of the story.

Dan McCoy

[1:58:59] I love that for so many reasons.

[1:59:02] But I mostly love that you call it a snake character.

[1:59:06] It's a character.

[1:59:07] Defining character.

[1:59:08] Look at his character, Diamond, is being a snake, slithering.

[1:59:12] In the movie, he's just a snake.

[1:59:14] There's no characteristics of the snake.

Stuart Wellington

[1:59:17] He has characteristics.

[1:59:19] He's a Bushmaster and he's very tasty.

[1:59:22] Yeah.

[1:59:23] He's aggressive.

[1:59:25] Yeah.

[1:59:25] He wants to find out what, he wants an autograph from Joan Wilder.

[1:59:31] Oh, man.

[1:59:31] What were you going to say, Stuart?

[1:59:32] I was going to say, the first movie I remember seeing in the theater was Ghostbusters.

[1:59:36] My mom put her hand over my eye at the first ghost appearance.

[1:59:40] And when I was like, well, what did the ghost look like?

[1:59:42] She said it looked like Skeletor.

[1:59:44] And having seen the movie now, she's pretty close to right.

[1:59:49] I don't know.

[1:59:50] I would say the movies that I remember seeing kind of growing up.

[1:59:55] And I think that if I were to have a child, which is very unlikely, if I were to have a child, I would probably introduce my child to the Studio Ghibli, Miyazaki movies, Spirited Away, Nausicaa, that type of shit.

[2:00:10] Yeah.

[2:00:11] Yeah.

[2:00:12] Like, I remember seeing Nausicaa at an early age and it just being, I don't know, like super absorbed into it and showing it to friends and them not getting it.

[2:00:21] I've talked about this in the show.

[2:00:22] It's dumb.

[2:00:23] But like, and I love Spirited Away because it's a movie that doesn't really have a villain.

[2:00:27] It's awesome.

[2:00:30] So that's me.

[2:00:31] Jordan, do you have anything you want to talk about kids or should we move forward?

Jordan Morris

[2:00:35] Yeah.

[2:00:35] My answer to both the first movie I saw and what I would show to kids is Space Jam.

[2:00:40] I mean, that was the first movie you saw?

[2:00:42] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:43] So you were like a teenager?

[2:00:45] Samson is the second.

[2:00:47] Wow.

[2:00:48] No wonder you kept texting me while you're watching it going, amazing.

[2:00:52] This is great.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00:54] The train's coming at the screen.

[2:00:56] Help.

Stuart Wellington

[2:00:58] Space Jam is also the first, is the only website you've ever looked at, right?

Jordan Morris

[2:01:03] Yeah.

[2:01:04] I'm like, this is as good as it gets.

[2:01:06] I'm going to stop looking at websites.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:09] Okay.

[2:01:09] So I think it's time for letter number two, Dan, or are you texting?

[2:01:14] What's going on?

[2:01:14] Number three.

Dan McCoy

[2:01:15] Letter number three.

[2:01:15] That was letter number two where we're going to stop.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01:19] Okay.

[2:01:20] So we come to a halt.

[2:01:22] Better to end on a high note, I guess.

[2:01:25] So what do we do now, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[2:01:27] Now is the part in the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked that you should

[2:01:33] spend your time on instead of Samson.

[2:01:36] Fuck yeah.

[2:01:37] I guess I'll start.

[2:01:39] I will make this quick.

[2:01:41] I watched a movie called Tragedy Girls.

[2:01:43] It's available on Hulu.

[2:01:47] If you have that streaming service.

[2:01:49] It's about two teenage girls who kidnap a serial killer in the hopes of learning from him.

[2:01:58] And then they quickly realize, eh, he's not really that helpful.

[2:02:01] I'm sort of just keeping captive for the rest of the movie.

[2:02:04] But they take on his serial killing for themselves because they want to get a bunch of social media

[2:02:13] followers for their website Tragedy Girls.

[2:02:16] And that sounds like it makes it a pretty facile satire of social media stuff.

[2:02:24] And to be frank, it is a pretty facile satire of social media.

[2:02:28] But what makes it good is it's this kind of like glossy day glow slasher world that's done in a very like just it's it's it's a like the surfaces of it all are all very pleasant.

[2:02:45] And the two girls are very good actresses in particular.

[2:02:52] There's one who I would sort of classify as more of the lead than the other.

[2:02:56] And she's the lady who plays Negasonic Teenage Warhead in the Deadpool movies.

[2:03:02] And I've always thought that she had a lot of charisma and was not giving a lot given a lot to do in those movies.

[2:03:07] The Deadpool movies?

[2:03:08] Yeah.

[2:03:10] And it shows.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03:11] Wait, is her is her name Ryan fucking Reynolds?

[2:03:14] And of course she doesn't get to do anything.

[2:03:17] He's the star, baby.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03:19] Anyway, one star in a Deadpool movie, Dan, and that's Ryan fucking Reynolds.

Dan McCoy

[2:03:24] It's a fun movie that commits to its sort of just.

[2:03:30] You know, not I wouldn't say like nihilistic necessarily, but a completely amoral premise.

[2:03:38] So if that's what you're looking for, then I recommend Tragedy Girls.

[2:03:44] Cool.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03:46] I'm going to jump in here, guys, and recommend a movie about a scary fucking mirror.

[2:03:53] I'm recommending the movie Oculus.

[2:03:55] Now that's another Blue Mouse picture.

[2:03:58] Mike Flanagan.

[2:03:59] Mike Flanagan, yeah, who directed another movie I think I recommended.

[2:04:02] Which one was that, Dan?

[2:04:05] Gerald's Game, baby.

[2:04:06] Okay.

[2:04:08] Taking it to the hoop.

[2:04:09] The Astin and Gerald's Game.

[2:04:11] Yeah, that's me.

[2:04:12] Do you believe in miracles?

[2:04:12] Bounding in his own shot.

[2:04:14] Yep.

[2:04:15] I just picked up my own rebound.

[2:04:20] So I'm talking about Oculus.

[2:04:22] Now, this is a movie that people had talked up and I was like, what?

[2:04:26] A scary mirror movie?

[2:04:28] Actually, I didn't even know that.

[2:04:29] I was like, I don't know.

[2:04:30] It's a major studio release horror movie and it assumed like it was going to be terrible.

[2:04:36] But it managed to be a lot of fun.

[2:04:38] It plays around with time and it jumps around quite a bit.

[2:04:43] And it doesn't fall into a lot of the traps that a lot of horror movies that would show up on the flop house.

[2:04:52] It's a movie where it feels like almost every member of the cast makes very specific character decisions when doing their performances.

[2:05:02] And it's genuinely pretty fucking scary.

[2:05:06] So watch Oculus or something.

[2:05:09] I don't know.

[2:05:09] I'm not you.

[2:05:12] Stirring recommendation from Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:13] I'll jump in here and I'll say I wanted to recommend a movie I saw in the theaters called Sorry for Bothering You.

[2:05:19] But Stuart recommended it already in an earlier episode.

[2:05:22] So I'll just reinforce.

[2:05:23] It's great, right?

[2:05:24] Sorry to bother you.

[2:05:25] What's it called?

[2:05:27] Yeah, Sorry to Bother You.

[2:05:28] It's great.

[2:05:28] Sorry to bother you.

[2:05:29] Not Sorry for Bothering You.

[2:05:31] I really liked it a lot.

[2:05:32] But Stuart already recommended it.

[2:05:33] So I'll just say go see that.

[2:05:35] And then I'll recommend for myself something that's really been doing a lot for me lately is 30s melodramas.

[2:05:41] With a central female character.

[2:05:44] And I recommend one a while ago.

Dan McCoy

[2:05:47] Oh, sure.

[2:05:48] What?

Dan McCoy

[2:05:48] No, I'm sure.

[2:05:49] Oh, sure.

[2:05:49] That genre.

Elliott Kalan

[2:05:50] I mean, it is a big.

[2:05:51] I mean, women's 30s melodramas is a.

[2:05:54] No, I know, Elliot.

[2:05:55] But I was like.

[2:05:56] Yeah.

[2:05:58] So what was the.

[2:06:00] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[2:06:01] I'm just slowing us down for no reason.

[2:06:03] Keep going.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06:04] That's my job, Dan.

[2:06:06] So I'm going to recommend a movie called The Painted Veil.

[2:06:09] It's starring Greta Garbo.

[2:06:10] And it's based on an Evelyn Waugh novel that I never read the book.

[2:06:14] So I don't know how close it is.

[2:06:15] But it's about a woman who is kind of desperate to escape being the last daughter in the household when her sister gets married.

[2:06:23] She marries a British like kind of experimental doctor who's dealing with immunology just and follows him to Hong Kong where he is dealing with a cholera outbreak.

[2:06:35] And while there falls under the romantic spell of a diplomat in the in the kind of Western colony there and ends up betraying her husband and having to make amends for that.

[2:06:48] And it is a movie that is it's a real solid 30s weepy.

[2:06:53] There's a lot of just there's some like fun, surprisingly funny characters in it.

[2:06:59] But it's mostly at that high pitch of melodrama level where everyone is at about to break into tears at any point.

[2:07:05] But here's the thing you have to deal with.

[2:07:07] It's a 30s movie set in China.

[2:07:09] So while the Chinese characters are not as offensive as they could be, they're just kind of background.

[2:07:13] There are no Chinese characters with real agency in it, which is disappointing.

[2:07:18] But at the same time, you do get at one point this kind of art deco Buddhist worship ceremony that could only exist in a 1930s Hollywood backlot studio.

[2:07:30] And there's, I'm sure, no relationship to reality.

[2:07:33] But it looks really cool.

[2:07:34] So I'll recommend that.

[2:07:36] The Painted Veil.

[2:07:37] Starting Greta Garbo.

Jordan Morris

[2:07:39] Hey, I'll do one quick if that's OK for the guest to do one.

[2:07:43] Yeah, we'll allow it.

[2:07:44] Thanks, fellas.

[2:07:45] This is a rock doc that you can watch on the Amazon Prime streaming service for free.

[2:07:52] It is called L7 Pretend We're Dead.

[2:07:54] The director is Susie Gardner.

[2:07:57] L7, they're kind of a all-female grunge punk band from the late 80s, early 90s.

Stuart Wellington

[2:08:03] Guys, my first ever music festival was a Lollapalooza where L7 played.

[2:08:10] And they were amazing.

[2:08:11] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:08:11] Did they interview you for the documentary?

Stuart Wellington

[2:08:14] They did interview me.

[2:08:14] Yeah, there's a lot of Stewart.

[2:08:15] Stewart is all over this thing.

[2:08:17] Like a 14-year-old Stewart's on there and it's amazing.

[2:08:21] Or 15.

[2:08:21] I can't remember what year it was.

Jordan Morris

[2:08:23] Yeah, they are.

[2:08:24] You know, they were maybe a little bit lost to history.

[2:08:27] Maybe more famous in England than they were in America.

[2:08:30] But, yeah, this is a great documentary.

[2:08:33] I was only kind of familiar with them and I loved the whole thing.

[2:08:37] Awesome music.

[2:08:38] Great kind of footage from kind of East L.A. punk clubs in the 80s.

[2:08:43] A time when you usually saw like hair metal on the Sunset Strip.

[2:08:46] This was kind of the flip side, arty, performance art, punk rock side of it.

[2:08:51] Yeah, great stuff.

[2:08:52] Great music.

[2:08:54] Cool band.

[2:08:55] You should check out.

[2:08:56] Bye.

[2:08:58] Were you leaving a message on someone's voice mail?

[2:08:59] Yes, yeah, yeah.

[2:09:00] And, yeah, just give me a call when you can or a text.

[2:09:03] I'm going to be around later tonight.

[2:09:04] Bye.

Dan McCoy

[2:09:06] HMU, baby.

[2:09:09] So, I guess before we go, Jordan, do you have anything you want to plug?

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:15] Oh, God, give me the strength of Samson to get to the rest of the episode.

[2:09:20] He's powering up.

[2:09:21] Ha, ha, ha.

[2:09:23] Oh, pray to God.

[2:09:25] Start praying.

[2:09:26] Now I'm ready.

[2:09:27] Jordan.

Jordan Morris

[2:09:28] Bubble.

[2:09:29] It's a sci-fi comedy on MaxmanFun.org.

[2:09:31] A lot of your favorite comedy folks are in it.

[2:09:34] It's a lot of fun.

[2:09:35] We worked hard.

[2:09:36] Sorry for all the plugs.

[2:09:37] Make it a listen if you haven't.

[2:09:38] I think you'll like it.

Stuart Wellington

[2:09:39] Jordan, you got one of the fucking doughboys on that shit, right?

Dan McCoy

[2:09:42] Fuck that.

[2:09:43] If I had a chance to meet Judy Greer.

[2:09:45] Judy Greer.

[2:09:46] Oh, wow.

[2:09:47] Holy shit.

[2:09:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09:48] Yeah, we got Judy Greer from Jurassic World.

[2:09:51] Let me just caution.

[2:09:53] Dan made it sound like if you listen to Bubble, you're entered into some kind of contest to meet Judy Greer.

[2:09:59] That is not the case, but she is in it.

[2:10:02] Yeah.

[2:10:03] Although.

[2:10:04] We got John.

Stuart Wellington

[2:10:05] That's a promotional thing that Jesse Thorne could probably set up, right?

[2:10:10] Yeah.

[2:10:10] I mean, I feel like it would be pretty creepy.

Jordan Morris

[2:10:12] Let's announce it.

[2:10:13] The Bubble Judy Greer contest.

[2:10:14] No, no.

[2:10:14] She was nice enough to come in and do a voice.

[2:10:17] I don't think she'll do a meet and greet.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10:18] You're automatically entered into a win a date with Judy Greer.

[2:10:21] I think maybe the best we can get is like Judy Greer waves to you as she drives by.

Dan McCoy

[2:10:28] Maybe that.

[2:10:28] Maybe that would be the best thing that you can get.

[2:10:32] Yeah.

[2:10:32] I could probably set up a wave or she could text you something maybe.

[2:10:37] It's Jordan texting as Judy Greer.

[2:10:41] Hello.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10:42] I'm Judy Greer.

[2:10:43] Listen to Bubble and you're entered into a contest to win a chance to watch Jurassic World at home and pretend you're talking to Judy Greer when she's on screen.

[2:10:52] Yeah, sure.

[2:10:53] And you'll wish she had a little more to do in the movie.

[2:10:55] As always.

[2:10:56] I mean, that's the Judy.

[2:10:57] Wish she had more to do in the movie, the Judy Greer story.

[2:11:00] Yeah.

[2:11:00] Basically, yeah.

Jordan Morris

[2:11:01] Hopefully, you'll listen to her in Bubble and say she had a lot to do.

[2:11:05] She had a good amount.

[2:11:06] She's only in one episode.

[2:11:07] That was more of a time constraint thing than I was sidelining her.

[2:11:10] I'm sorry.

[2:11:11] Anyway.

[2:11:12] Thanks for apologizing.

[2:11:13] Got a lot of other fun folks in it.

[2:11:15] John Hodgman, Martin Starr, Tawny Newsome, Helen Hong, one of the Doughboys, Mike Mitchell.

[2:11:21] Yeah, a litany of fun folks do voices.

[2:11:24] And I think it is something cool, kind of a genre matchup that I think the flop fans would like.

[2:11:31] There you are.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11:32] Uh-huh.

[2:11:32] And it gave you an excuse to be on our dumb show.

[2:11:35] It's really fun.

[2:11:36] Yeah.

Jordan Morris

[2:11:36] It's so fun.

[2:11:37] I love being on the flop house.

Stuart Wellington

[2:11:38] It's so much fun.

[2:11:39] That's exactly what I thought when I was watching Samson.

[2:11:42] I'm like, I'm so glad I'm doing this.

[2:11:46] So happy I'm doing this podcast for a long life.

[2:11:48] Look at those beards.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11:50] As you, through gritted teeth, as you angrily whittled a stick with a big knife.

[2:11:55] So glad I'm watching Samson.

Dan McCoy

[2:12:00] We've gone for so long.

[2:12:01] We should say goodbye.

[2:12:03] We should have mercy on ourselves and the audience.

[2:12:06] Did Uncle Jesse just enter the room?

Jordan Morris

[2:12:10] Watch the hair.

[2:12:11] Oh, guys.

[2:12:12] I think we all need to cut it out.

[2:12:14] And there's Uncle Joey, too.

[2:12:15] That's me, the other uncle.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12:17] And now let's clean everything up.

[2:12:19] It's Danny Tanner, too.

[2:12:20] What?

[2:12:21] Dan, now you're Michelle.

[2:12:22] Do your famous Michelle impression.

[2:12:24] You got it, dude?

[2:12:25] No, Dan doesn't.

[2:12:26] I'm sorry.

[2:12:26] You got it, dude?

[2:12:28] No, no, Dan.

[2:12:29] Jordan already took Michelle.

[2:12:30] Now you've got to be Stephanie or DJ.

[2:12:32] DJ doesn't have a catchphrase, so be Stephanie.

Stuart Wellington

[2:12:34] You know what it is, Dan.

[2:12:36] Is it how rude you said it?

[2:12:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12:39] As if you pretend to say it in the form of a question like you don't know.

[2:12:42] Come on.

[2:12:43] There's Stephanie Tanner.

Stuart Wellington

[2:12:44] Dan and I watched most of Fuller House while putting together a puzzle one night.

[2:12:51] Why?

[2:12:52] Is that that sitcom where Sam Fuller has to take care of all those kids?

[2:12:56] Yeah.

[2:13:00] It goes really badly.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13:04] Anyway, guys, maybe we should say goodnight.

Dan McCoy

[2:13:08] For the Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13:11] Hey, you know, it's Stuart Wellington.

[2:13:13] Elliot Kalin saying goodbye and hi for next time.

[2:13:19] I'm Jordan.

Dan McCoy

[2:13:23] Good work, Jordan.

[2:13:25] Good night, everyone.

[2:13:26] Thanks, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13:28] Thanks for being here, Jordan.

[2:13:29] Thanks for joining us.

[2:13:30] Go listen to Bubble.

[2:13:31] And goodnight.

[2:13:32] Deuces.

Dan McCoy

[2:13:35] On this episode, we discuss Samson.

[2:13:44] The luggage company.

[2:13:48] That's Samsonite, Stuart.

[2:13:49] What?

[2:13:52] Let's do another one.

[2:13:54] Who's going to talk?

[2:13:55] I've got one.

[2:13:56] Elliot's got one in the fucking chamber.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13:58] I've got one to try.

[2:13:59] Yeah.

[2:13:59] I've got a shell in the chamber.

[2:14:02] Let's go.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[2:14:06] The chilling true story of the son of Sam killer.

Dan McCoy

[2:14:13] It's a little bit of a thing here.

[2:14:14] Yeah.

[2:14:15] Can I do one?

[2:14:16] Can I do one?

[2:14:17] Just for fun?

[2:14:17] Or Jordan do one.

Jordan Morris

[2:14:23] The extreme biblical epic that says the meek will inherit these nuts.

[2:14:30] Can I do one?

Dan McCoy

[2:14:31] Yeah.

[2:14:32] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[2:14:36] The vegetarian version of Hamson.

Dan McCoy

[2:14:42] Okay.

[2:14:42] I've got one, Dan.

[2:14:43] I've got one, too.

[2:14:44] Sam is the vegetarian version of Ham.

[2:14:46] It's not Ham.

[2:14:48] Dude.

[2:14:49] Now I've got one.

Elliott Kalan

[2:14:54] The movie that dares to ask the question, what if the great heroes of Jewish myth weren't

[2:14:59] that Jewish?

[2:15:04] That's a theme I'll be hitting.

Dan McCoy

[2:15:06] I like that one or Jordan's one.

[2:15:08] We'll see which one wins out.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15:10] You're insane, but that's okay.

[2:15:12] You didn't have to call it out like that.

[2:15:14] Yeah.

[2:15:14] You didn't have to drag me right before I had to perform.

[2:15:17] Okay.

[2:15:17] Which one?

[2:15:18] What's yours?

[2:15:18] I'll do one more.

Dan McCoy

[2:15:23] And Delilah?

[2:15:25] We'll have to see.

[2:15:28] Maximumfun.org.

[2:15:30] Comedy and culture.

[2:15:31] Artist owned.

[2:15:32] Listener supported.

Ep. #263 - Samson

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