Ep. #264 - The Emoji Movie LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, we discuss the Emoji Movie, live from San Francisco, California!

Stuart Wellington

[0:09] Tech Center of America!

Dan McCoy

[0:30] The Flophouse

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] You're excited by the shame you feel from being watched.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] Very complicated.

[1:05] Yeah, you're looking forward to the afterwords where you go home and you type it into your diary, Doogie Howser style, right?

[1:11] Yeah.

[1:12] And then Vinny Del Pino comes in and you're like, you're never going to believe this.

[1:16] I'm a doctor.

[1:18] And a kid.

[1:19] That's true, he is a kid.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] And Vinny's like, Doug!

[1:21] And you're like, no, Dan.

[1:24] Dan.

[1:25] One day I'll learn how to doctor up that speech impediment of yours.

[1:28] Max Casella that makes you say Doug instead of Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] Yeah, well that was a current reference that we made.

[1:37] Anyway.

[1:39] I'm sorry, I'll talk about Max Casella's recent work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] What is he on, like, Blue Bloods or something?

[1:47] I don't know.

[1:48] I don't know what color his blood is.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] Yeah, whose window is he going through now?

[1:52] America's.

[1:54] America Ferrara.

[1:55] She should get a restraining order.

Elliott Kalan

[1:56] Dan, I don't like where this is going.

Dan McCoy

[1:58] I don't like it either.

[2:00] Even when it was coming out of my mouth, I didn't like it.

[2:02] Dan, what do we do on this fucking podcast?

[2:08] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11] And, you know, we're...

[2:13] Don't applaud when I say this.

[2:14] We're recording in San Francisco, California.

[2:17] Thank you for your restraint.

[2:18] No, one person started applauding.

[2:21] It wasn't a test.

[2:22] It wasn't like I was like, I tricked you.

[2:25] And it's the tech capital of America.

[2:28] And San Franciscans love technology.

[2:31] Cable cars.

[2:32] Seals.

[2:33] Yeah.

[2:33] They love that stuff.

[2:34] Ghirardelli chocolate.

[2:36] Technology.

[2:37] You know?

Dan McCoy

[2:38] Wait, did you say seals?

[2:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:41] Now they're always sunning on the docks and stuff.

Dan McCoy

[2:42] All right, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[2:43] Or seal the singer.

[2:44] Who doesn't love him?

[2:46] On compact discs.

[2:48] It's technology.

[2:49] So we decided to do a technology movie.

[2:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:53] Yeah.

[2:53] And much more technology than hieroglyphics.

Elliott Kalan

[2:58] It's the earliest technology, Dan.

[3:00] The written word.

[3:01] Yeah.

[3:02] Technology comes from logos, meaning word, language.

[3:06] Really?

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:07] You don't read any Alan Moore essays?

[3:09] Come on, Dan.

[3:10] I mean, what he would then go on and say is that it's magic or something.

Dan McCoy

[3:13] I just read his weird pornographic cartoons.

[3:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] This is where we diverge.

[3:18] There's that path in the yellow woods.

[3:19] L.A. doesn't think they're weird.

[3:20] Yeah.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:23] What's weird about all the children's characters of children's literature doing it with each other,

[3:26] Dan?

[3:27] Come on.

[3:28] A creepy old man with a long beard who lives in England.

Stuart Wellington

[3:31] As long as they don't adapt that work into a movie, he's fine with it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:36] So that was a lot of Alan Moore talk for our San Francisco show about the Emoji movie.

[3:42] And so we knew one thing going into this movie.

[3:46] What was that?

[3:47] We were probably not going to like the Emoji movie.

[3:50] But you know what?

[3:52] We're not the youngest people.

[3:53] We've got to embrace this new technology.

[3:55] This is how people communicate these days is through emojis.

[3:58] Movies?

[3:58] Yeah.

[3:59] Movies.

[3:59] Yeah.

[4:00] If you want to send a message to somebody on your phone, you have to make a movie.

[4:04] First.

[4:05] Okay.

[4:05] It's hard.

[4:05] First, you've got to develop the concept.

[4:07] Okay.

[4:08] Then you pitch that concept to a studio.

[4:10] Now, the studio, despite its name, has no physical filming locations.

[4:15] They merely act as a distributor, but they'll put up the money for you to produce it.

[4:19] So you've got to partner with a production company.

[4:21] Okay.

[4:21] Now, the production company, they'll put up some of the financing, but they'll also provide

[4:26] the logistics, while the distributor, the studio, puts up most of the movie.

[4:29] Oh, okay.

[4:30] That's cool.

[4:30] So now you've written the script.

[4:31] You cast it.

[4:32] You've done more of your pre-marketing and things like that.

[4:35] A year later, $60 million down the toilet.

Dan McCoy

[4:38] Is this your TED Talk?

[4:39] I don't understand what's going on right now.

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] You've paid $60 million later, and you've got a message you can text to your mom.

[4:46] Oh, okay.

[4:46] To say, happy birthday, mom.

[4:48] Sorry I missed it a couple days ago, and it was your real movie, but we had overruns of

[4:54] both time and budget on the film.

Dan McCoy

[4:56] I like the idea that that is the plot of your movie.

[4:59] Happy birthday, mom.

[5:00] It's a little thin.

[5:02] Not as thin as the last Transformers movie that Stuart and I watched, but yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:08] I would argue that the plot wasn't thin.

[5:11] It was just so crazily explained to us.

[5:14] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[5:15] Are we talking about the Transformers movie?

[5:16] That there is a secret history of the Transformers.

[5:18] All right, let's go.

[5:18] Where they turned a blind eye to slavery, the Holocaust, et cetera.

[5:24] It's terrible.

Dan McCoy

[5:26] You can hear that on FilmSpottingSPU, but we'll go back to our podcast to talk about the

[5:31] emotion movie.

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] Let's go back to our podcast, the Flophouse podcast.

[5:34] What do we do, Dan?

[5:35] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[5:38] Are we in Looper?

[5:39] I don't understand what's going on.

[5:41] So let's talk about the emoji movie.

[5:43] Let's go through it real quick.

[5:44] Okay, and by real quick, I mean it's going to take a while.

[5:47] We start with the Columbia Pictures logo in front of many classic films, much of Frank

[5:52] Capra's work.

[5:53] But this time it's different because it's got an emoji face that goes on it.

[5:57] Oh, they finally updated the concept of Columbia, the personification of liberty, by throwing

Stuart Wellington

[6:03] an emoji face on it.

[6:04] So it's kind of like when New Line was doing that thing where every time they released a

[6:08] movie, they kind of changed up their New Line logo a little bit.

[6:11] They're like, when Freddy's fighting, chasing, it's going to be a red logo because that's the

[6:14] color of blood.

[6:16] Also, they use that for Blade 2, which also has blood in it.

[6:21] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] And then we start hearing a VO from TJ Miller, star of the Emoji Movie, about how amazing

[6:29] smartphone apps are.

[6:30] Get used to it, folks.

[6:31] This movie's got a lot to say about smartphone apps.

[6:34] All positive.

[6:36] There's this goofy kid, Alex, who has a crush on a girl.

[6:39] He got a text.

[6:40] He's a high school freshman.

[6:41] He got a text from her, and he doesn't know how to respond to it.

[6:44] Now, how else is he going to do it?

[6:46] He's going to have to pick the right emoji.

[6:48] Because if he picks the wrong emoji, boom, never going to happen.

[6:51] He's going home alone.

[6:53] But if he picks the right emoji, oh boy, gates of Valhalla will open up to him, and he

[6:59] will be initiated into manhood.

Dan McCoy

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:02] It all rests on that one emoji.

[7:03] Yeah, the whole premise of this film is that he cannot send words by any means.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] Well, as one of his friends says later in the movie, words aren't cool.

[7:14] Yeah.

[7:15] Notice he says it.

[7:16] He doesn't emoji it to his friends.

[7:18] They aren't cool, sir, but they are necessary.

[7:21] You know what's not cool?

[7:24] Infrastructure repairs.

[7:26] But we need it.

[7:27] It is necessary.

[7:28] Functioning highways.

[7:29] Is that awesome or radical?

[7:30] No.

[7:31] Except it's pretty cool to drive down a highway.

[7:33] Sure.

[7:37] I guess what I'm saying is life is a highway.

[7:38] My feelings about it, I want to ride it.

[7:40] All night long.

[7:41] Maybe all night long.

[7:42] I'll probably stop somewhere to take a nap.

[7:44] All night is kind of a big investment.

[7:48] What, am I sleeping during the day?

[7:49] Am I a vampire?

[7:50] Come on, my buddy.

[7:51] How far are we in this movie?

[7:52] I mean, that's a pitch of a movie right there.

[7:54] You're a vampire who drives around at night.

[7:56] The emojis in the phone.

[7:57] Hey, you know how in Toy Story all the toys were kind of alive?

[8:01] Imagine the magic of that living inside your very own phone.

[8:05] Yeah.

[8:05] Because all the...

[8:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:07] Guys, have you seen the Lego movie?

[8:10] Because, spoiler alert, so have the people who made the emoji movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:13] The emojis all live in Textopolis, which is an ironic name since they are the exact opposite

[8:20] of text.

[8:21] And all the emojis have one job.

[8:24] It's kind of a weird Stalinist Orwellian world where you are packaged in one particular

[8:29] emotion.

[8:29] And they say, like, everyone has to do that one emotion all the time, even if they don't

[8:35] feel that way.

[8:36] And our hero, whose name is Gene, he's a meh.

[8:40] His parents were mehs, and he's a meh.

[8:43] He can't show emotion.

[8:44] He's just like, meh.

[8:46] Which is an emoji that I assume teens use a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[8:49] Yeah, except for...

[8:51] I don't know, like...

[8:52] Are you going to give us a teen talk here?

[8:54] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[8:55] Hey, guys.

[8:55] You hang out with teens a lot.

[8:56] This is an episode of our podcast within a podcast called Teen Talk.

[9:03] Okay.

[9:04] Give me a second.

[9:06] Turn your...

Elliott Kalan

[9:06] Stuart is turning around his chair so he can rap with the young people.

[9:12] Dan, drop some knowledge at us about teens.

Dan McCoy

[9:15] I just feel like if you care so little as to send the text emoji or the meh emoji, wouldn't

[9:21] you just care so little as to not respond to the text?

[9:25] Like, what are you expressing in that moment?

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] You're expressing, I'm cool.

[9:30] Because it's cool to be meh.

Dan McCoy

[9:32] I thought that sending the guy with sunglasses emoji expresses that you're cool.

Stuart Wellington

[9:38] That expresses, I wish I was cool.

[9:41] That's so stupid, Dan.

[9:41] Come on.

[9:43] What?

Elliott Kalan

[9:46] Dan, you don't really know how cool works, do you?

Dan McCoy

[9:49] I'm wearing a tweed jacket, so I think I do understand how cool works.

Elliott Kalan

[9:54] The guy with sunglasses emoji signifies, I have had recent eye surgery and I am sensitive

[9:59] to sunlight.

[10:02] Please adjust the drapes accordingly when I enter the room.

[10:06] Anyway, that's teen talk.

[10:07] Let's get back to it.

[10:08] Gene is a meh emoji, but he's got a problem.

[10:11] He can't be meh.

[10:12] He just loves life too much and he's too excited.

[10:13] He's always cycling through all of his different emojis, but that's bad because this is his

[10:18] first day on the phone.

[10:20] Uh-oh.

[10:21] And he's just walking through Textopolis and the movie is like, imagine how amazed people

[10:27] are going to be to see all their favorite emojis walking around in a little city that

[10:32] somehow has a functioning economy of some kind and little buildings.

[10:37] But there is one funny joke in it that I will give him credit for, that he bumps into an

[10:41] emoticon and he's like, oh, I hate to jostle the elderly and the emoticons all have wheelchairs

[10:46] and crutches.

[10:46] And I was like, that's kind of a funny joke.

[10:48] Emoticons are the old version of emojis.

[10:49] They're all old.

[10:50] Anyway, but that introduces the idea of mortality and aging to the emoji world, which is weird.

[10:57] Anyway, the movie's working overtime to convince us how emojis are real magical.

[11:02] And we're also introduced to the poop emoji played by Sir Patrick Stewart, who you would

[11:06] think from the advertising for this movie was the star of the film.

[11:10] It is a glorified cameo.

Dan McCoy

[11:13] Yeah, no, this is not poop the movie, which by the way, would be a better movie than an

[11:19] emoji movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:20] So this is when he's introduced when he and I think his son both exit the same toilet stall.

[11:28] Which is just weird.

[11:29] Is it like they take the toilet to work?

[11:31] Like they travel along toilets like they're Harry Potters?

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Oh, you think that's what it was?

[11:35] Because it's a public bathroom.

[11:37] I assumed it was like they're just so close as father and son that they use the same toilet

[11:41] at the same time.

[11:42] Yeah, they start.

[11:42] At the same time?

[11:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:44] They both perch on one side of the toilet?

[11:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:46] Or I don't know.

[11:47] The other alternative is that they take turns sitting on the toilet while the other one

[11:50] watches.

[11:51] Yeah.

[11:52] Or just turns their back, in which case, get out of the stall.

[11:56] I mean, this has...

[11:57] Are they trying to save water by only flushing once?

[11:59] Honestly, there's a bigger metaphysical...

Dan McCoy

[12:01] That's very European.

[12:02] There's a bigger metaphysical question here, which is, does poop poop?

[12:07] Yes, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Does poop come out of poop?

[12:10] Yeah.

[12:10] Does poop eat?

[12:12] Or does the poop...

[12:14] I mean, I don't know.

[12:15] I mean...

[12:15] I don't even want to think about it.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] The toilet would be the mortal enemy of poop.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] They would be terrified of the toilet.

[12:23] So, yeah, this is more of a, look who's talking now, Mr. Potty, or whatever it's called.

[12:28] There's a talking toilet in Luke who's talking now, voiced by Mel Brooks, who, the kid in

[12:33] that movie...

[12:33] Is that the second or third one?

[12:34] That's the third one.

[12:35] Okay.

[12:35] Where the dogs talk.

[12:37] The kid in the movie, let's just call him Look, because I don't remember his name.

[12:40] He's afraid of this potty.

[12:43] So, you're saying it's something like that.

[12:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:46] Wee-wee is not something that is involved in the movie.

[12:50] No, I just...

[12:51] There's no wee-wee emoji.

[12:52] I'm looking at the clock.

[12:53] We have, like, 20 to 30 minutes to get through the entire movie at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[12:57] It's not going to be that hard.

[12:58] Okay, anyway.

[12:59] Me is confronted by his parents.

[13:01] Gene is confronted by his parents, who are both Mez, in the toilet.

[13:04] I guess it's a unisex toilet, like on Ally McBeal.

[13:07] And they don't believe in him.

[13:08] They don't think he's ready to do this.

[13:10] And Smiler, the boss of the emojis, who's a smiley face emoji, who is, she's your basic

[13:16] smiley all the time, kind of like Queen Bee of the high school, mean to everybody type.

[13:21] She explains to the audience, again, how emojis work.

[13:25] That emojis, they stand in boxes, much like the monsters in Cabin in the Woods.

[13:29] And a giant finger, which represents Alex's finger in the real world, picks an emoji, scans it.

[13:37] And then that scan is texted out on the phone.

[13:40] It seems completely over-elaborate as a way to do this.

[13:43] And there's also a VIP section for favorite emojis.

[13:47] And the high-five emoji, played by James Corden, cannot get in there.

[13:51] High-five used to be a favorite, but no more.

[13:54] He has been kicked to the curb.

Dan McCoy

[13:56] The fist bump has now taken his spot.

[13:59] As in real life.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] Now, Alex, wanting to look cool to this girl, whose name is Addie, because they put zero imagination

[14:05] into the characters' names.

[14:06] He chooses meh, but meh cracks under the pressure and goes crazy.

[14:10] And his scan gets all screwed up and has multiple different emotions going on at once.

Dan McCoy

[14:14] And this is, Elliot talked about the one time he laughed in the movie.

[14:16] This is the one time I laughed in the movie, where this really crazy emoji, where it was

[14:20] like, smiling, one eye open, tongue, sweat, like, all going on.

[14:25] And he sends it to Addie.

[14:27] And Addie's reaction of total confusion actually was pretty amusing to me.

[14:31] Okay.

[14:32] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] No, that's, I had nothing out of that.

Dan McCoy

[14:35] Look, I just, I want to give the movie credit where credit is due.

[14:38] And that is in this one single joke that happened in the first half hour of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] And at that point, Alex was like, no, my shot with Addie.

[14:45] And Gene is like, oh, I don't know what to do.

[14:48] And for some reason decides to leap out of his box onto the finger device, smashes everything.

[14:52] Oh boy.

[14:53] Smiler says, looks like this Gene character is a malfunction and must be deleted.

[14:57] Gene's sad.

[14:58] His parents say, hey, why don't we just lock you inside the apartment to protect you?

[15:02] And the favorites, yeah, all get together to vote to kill Gene so he doesn't threaten the

[15:05] whole phone.

[15:06] And Gene escapes after they sick virus-killing bots on him.

[15:10] High five, meanwhile, has slipped into the favorite section.

[15:13] Gene runs through.

[15:14] They escape together and go to the loser's lounge where unused emojis go.

[15:18] But hold on a second.

[15:19] Who's in the loser's lounge playing Pong?

[15:22] The eggplant emoji.

[15:23] The eggplant emoji is in the loser's.

[15:25] Hold on a second.

[15:25] Let's stop.

[15:26] Hold on a second for a moment.

Stuart Wellington

[15:28] He's a teenage boy, dude.

[15:29] Maybe he doesn't understand it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:31] Everything looks like a genital to a teenage boy.

[15:35] That eggplant emoji is getting pretty worked.

[15:39] What is it doing in the loser's lounge?

[15:41] Is it getting hot in here?

[15:44] Anyway, high five says to Gene, here's what you got to do.

[15:47] There's a hacker.

[15:48] We can go to the piracy app and get the hacker to reprogram you so that you work properly.

[15:53] They leave textiles.

[15:54] The piracy app, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[15:55] Like, what is this app?

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] It's for piracy.

[15:59] All right.

[15:59] Like pirating stuff.

Dan McCoy

[16:01] Sure.

[16:02] It's like the app version of any, like, hacker character in a movie.

[16:09] Just like it's the nondescript hacker X.

[16:13] You know, like, I don't know what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[16:15] Yeah, no, it is.

[16:16] I mean, it's the phone version of the Mos Eisley Canteen.

[16:20] All the scum of the phone is there.

[16:23] They leave Textopolis and find themselves on the magical world known as the wallpaper,

[16:28] where every app is.

[16:29] And each app has its own world.

[16:30] And they walk through a couple different apps.

[16:32] They go through Facebook and WeChat or whatever.

[16:34] And high five tells Gene, look, you don't need friends.

[16:36] You just need fans and popularity.

Dan McCoy

[16:38] Now, here's what I don't understand.

[16:40] High five apparently, like, knows people all over in these different apps.

[16:44] He gets around.

[16:45] Yeah.

[16:45] Like, Gene, the Matt emoji is like, I don't understand.

[16:49] Like, he's a babe in the woods.

[16:50] He doesn't understand any of this.

[16:52] But high five emoji, like, he goes to the hacker app and he's, like, saying hi to everybody.

[16:56] High five to everybody.

[16:57] Like, what's the deal, Elliot?

[17:00] Like, he, like, is going all the way over to these other apps all the time?

[17:05] Like, it seems to me that people.

[17:07] Yes.

[17:07] It seems like people in Textopolis only stay in Textopolis.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] Yeah, unless you're cool.

[17:11] All right.

[17:12] And then you go over to the other apps and you hang out and high five people.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] All right.

[17:16] I guess it's part of his job.

[17:18] He is the high five app.

[17:19] He has to get around and high five people.

Stuart Wellington

[17:20] This was the biggest hurdle you had to jump during this movie, huh?

[17:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] We already know that high five is a rule breaker.

[17:27] He's trying to slip into the VIP lounge, which, to be honest, looks less cool than the loser

[17:30] lounge.

[17:31] Yeah.

[17:31] I kind of liked more.

[17:32] Loser lounge bore a real resemblance to the backstage of the Upright Citizens Brigade

[17:36] Theater in New York.

[17:37] Whereas the VIP lounge, it was more like a high class strip club.

[17:41] Like, it was very, I didn't like it.

[17:43] It wasn't a place I would feel comfortable.

[17:45] So they go to the piracy app, which is a pirate ship themed bar, which is full of internet

[17:50] trolls and viruses and spam.

[17:52] And it's weird that, like, I'll give you a little bit of a thing.

[17:54] It is weird, yes.

[17:55] The piracy app doesn't make sense.

[17:57] It's just where all the bad stuff on the phone goes.

[18:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] So wait, are internet trolls actual people or are they just weird green viruses?

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] This movie posits a world.

Stuart Wellington

[18:09] Voiced by Jeff Ross.

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] In which internet trolls voiced by Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General, are green things that

[18:17] live in phones, but dress like nerds.

[18:20] Well.

[18:21] And can be deleted, so they're not people.

[18:23] No.

[18:24] But their programs, look, let me just say one thing.

[18:26] The Makers of the Emoji Movie don't really seem to know how phones work.

[18:30] There's not a lot of stuff about, there's, the thing that I thought was weird was there

[18:33] never, there's never a problem where the phone is going to lose battery and

[18:36] shut off.

[18:37] And I think that's a, like, that's a given.

[18:39] Do that scene.

[18:40] Come on.

[18:41] Anyway, they don't.

[18:44] Almost instantly they find the hacker, who's a girl named Jailbreak.

[18:47] As Stuart mentioned, does this sound like the Lego movie?

[18:49] When there's, like, a cool punk girl that has to help the hero figure things out?

Dan McCoy

[18:53] They even have, like, a scene where, like, they point to someone across the room and

[18:57] they're like, oh, you think that that's the Jailbreak, you know, it's like a big monster

[19:00] looking guy.

[19:02] And he walks away and the girl is behind it and the hand goes, it's a

[19:06] girl?

[19:07] As if, like, we've never seen, like, the cool girl hacker character in a movie before

[19:11] ever.

[19:13] I mean, like, NCIS or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[19:15] Dan's steaming over here.

[19:16] Look at him.

[19:16] Yeah.

[19:17] Wait, are you talking about Polly Perrette from NCIS?

[19:20] I am talking about Polly Perrette.

[19:21] The 50-year-old gof?

[19:22] Yeah.

[19:22] Then I am.

[19:23] She hasn't changed her haircut in all these years.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] It's insane.

[19:26] Is it a wig?

[19:27] Sadly, she's no longer on the show.

[19:29] She left the show.

[19:30] Really?

[19:30] Yes.

[19:30] But by law, I now must bring up the video where a hacker is breaking into the NCIS computer

[19:36] and she can't type fast enough.

[19:39] So the other guy in the lab starts typing with her on the same keyboard.

[19:44] As if two hackers can hack faster on the same keyboard.

[19:49] Like, that's how keyboards work.

[19:51] If you haven't seen it, I've mentioned it before.

[19:53] Go see it.

[19:54] Just type it.

[19:55] Just go to YouTube and type in NCIS hacker.

[19:58] The video will come up.

[19:59] It's hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[19:59] You didn't even do the punchline or do you want to leave that for people to...

Elliott Kalan

[20:02] I want you to.

[20:02] I want them to savor the punchline, which also doesn't explain how computers work.

[20:07] Anyway, they get jailbreak, who in my notes, for some reason, I accidentally kept calling

[20:11] jailbait.

[20:11] Now, jailbreak.

[20:14] The bots come in.

[20:16] Uh-oh, the antivirus bots.

[20:17] They are killing people left and right.

[20:19] And Gene impresses jailbreak with his ability to do any expression.

[20:23] And jailbreak says, okay, I'll help you.

[20:26] You know what?

[20:27] We're going to go.

[20:27] We have to pass through the firewall to go into Dropbox to get to the cloud where everyone

[20:32] can live free and be whatever they want to be.

[20:35] But I need your help making the right face to unlock the face recognition for the firewall.

[20:40] And she takes them through a secret escape tunnel into Candy Crush, which is the dumbest

[20:45] thing I've ever said.

[20:48] It is...

[20:49] That is dumb.

[20:50] And Gene gets stuck in the game and you literally have to watch High Five play Candy Crush

[20:55] to free him.

[20:57] That is boring.

[20:59] If I want to watch someone play Candy Crush, I'll ride public transportation.

[21:02] Thank you very much.

Dan McCoy

[21:07] I know.

[21:07] I wonder which, like...

[21:08] I do wonder which apps, you know, paid to be in the Emoji movie and which apps were

[21:12] just, like, woke up one day horrified to find that they were in the Emoji movie.

[21:17] Like, this is a big plot point that Candy Crush is used.

Stuart Wellington

[21:20] Yeah, they pick up their phone, their mentions are all blown up, and they're like, what's

[21:23] going on?

[21:23] They're like, Emoji what-y?

Elliott Kalan

[21:27] Simpson?

[21:29] Some guy named Simpson screwed it up.

[21:31] Meanwhile, Alex tries to talk to his girl, Addie, but his phone starts making weird Candy Crush

[21:36] noises and she walks away, weirded out, as we all would be if someone's phone started

[21:40] making noises.

[21:42] That's never happened before.

[21:43] Only all the time to everyone.

[21:46] I can't tell you the number of times that Siri has started talking to me.

[21:50] Unsolicited.

[21:52] And has my wife ever been another woman?

[21:55] Well, then this is the end of our conversation.

[21:57] No, she said, oh, my phone does that too.

[21:59] Please turn that off.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] When you said unsolicited, I thought that, like, Siri was going to start giving you advice.

[22:05] Like, Elliot, do you really think you need that second piece of fried chicken?

Elliott Kalan

[22:10] Get off my back, Siri.

[22:12] Second piece.

[22:13] I'm on a piece six by the time anyone's telling me to stop.

Dan McCoy

[22:15] By the time Siri's telling you to stop.

Elliott Kalan

[22:18] Here's the pitch, everybody.

[22:19] Don't steal this.

[22:20] Siri, no.

[22:21] De Bergerac.

[22:22] Siri starts giving romance advice to some hapless doof.

[22:27] Somebody is writing that movie right now.

[22:30] And if they're not, I'm going to sell it tomorrow for $700,000.

[22:36] Okay.

[22:38] Thank you.

[22:38] Alex is like, this is crazy.

[22:40] I'm going to make an appointment at the phone store.

[22:42] And the emojis go crazy with fear.

[22:44] If he erases the programming on the phone and gets a new OS, I guess, then what's going to happen to them?

[22:50] So, yes.

[22:50] So, they can hear what's happening.

Dan McCoy

[22:51] A lot of the movie hinges on an appointment at the phone store.

[22:53] Yeah.

[22:53] But that's our ticking clock.

[22:55] They got to figure everything out before the whole phone gets erased.

Stuart Wellington

[22:57] So, they can hear what's happening in the real world all the time.

[23:00] Yeah.

[23:01] How does that make them feel as emojis?

[23:04] Like, are they, like, worthless?

Elliott Kalan

[23:08] We have to assume, since emojis are sentient and accept their lot in life as part of this digital caste system.

[23:15] Uh-huh.

[23:16] Of which humans are, I mean, humans are probably seen as gods because they created the emojis.

[23:20] Okay.

[23:21] But, like all gods, when they're too tyrannical, their creations might turn on them.

[23:26] Uh-huh.

[23:27] And so, I guess what I'm saying is, we got to be careful with these emojis.

[23:31] Don't rise up.

[23:33] There's a lot of metaphysics about this movie that is not really explained because jailbreak's got to get them to the firewall so they can escape to the drop box in the cloud.

[23:42] There's a lot of candy jokes that high five does.

[23:44] Boring.

[23:45] Meanwhile, Gene's parents, the meh couple, are looking for Gene.

[23:49] They enter YouTube and distract the virus bots with some cute cat videos.

[23:53] Yeah.

[23:53] The parents argue over whose fault it is and split up.

[23:57] And I'm like, wait a minute.

[23:58] Am I supposed to care about the marriage between these two emojis?

[24:02] Who themselves cannot express emotion?

[24:06] Is this something I am supposed to invest myself in?

[24:10] Dan?

[24:11] What is the movie asking of me in this moment?

[24:13] Because it's a big ask.

[24:14] I mean, yeah.

[24:16] They're asking me, basically, care about the relationship between these two bumper sticker images.

[24:21] Because their marriage might be falling apart.

Dan McCoy

[24:24] Elliot, you who have such a solid marriage can't understand the pathos.

[24:30] The pathos of these two characters.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Dan, as a living meh emoji.

[24:35] Yeah.

[24:36] Did you, I guess what I'm asking is, did you see yourself in this situation and that helped you?

[24:40] Because I, as someone who's just happy all the time, I just couldn't get into it.

Dan McCoy

[24:44] I might be a meh emoji, but I have aspirations.

[24:47] I aspire to be the monocle emoji.

[24:50] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[24:51] Okay, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] So wait, what emoji would you be, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[24:55] I think I'd probably be, probably be that shrimp.

[25:00] The shrimp emoji.

[25:01] Yeah.

[25:01] That's a good one.

[25:02] Or maybe like the flag of Nepal.

[25:06] That's a cool flag.

[25:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:08] What would you be, Stuart?

[25:09] It's pretty easy.

[25:10] Smiley face with a cowboy hat.

Elliott Kalan

[25:12] Yeah, I think so.

[25:13] You know.

[25:15] Can I, if I'm an emoji, can I change my race?

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:19] I guess.

[25:19] Where are you headed with this?

[25:21] I'm just looking into all my options.

[25:23] Okay.

[25:23] I just want to know.

[25:24] I haven't made a decision yet.

[25:26] Yeah.

[25:26] Sorry, judge emoji.

[25:28] I think we're entering some weird Rachel Dolezal area here.

[25:32] All right.

[25:32] It's different in emoji world.

[25:34] Oh, by the way, all the emojis in the movie are basic default yellow, which means white.

[25:38] So anyway.

[25:41] And they, meanwhile, these heroes, they take a digital tube to some stairs and enter the Just Dance app.

[25:49] They've got to get through it.

[25:50] Don't turn it on because then they'll have to dance or die.

[25:52] High Five loves to dance.

[25:53] Turns it on.

[25:54] But Jailbreak can't dance.

[25:56] And if she doesn't dance properly in the Just Dance game app, she will fall to her death.

[26:02] And this is maybe the most artificial conflict I've ever seen in a movie.

[26:06] That this character who's the personification of an emoji concept, we don't know which one yet,

[26:11] has to learn how to dance quickly where she will lose a video game on a phone that will kill her.

[26:18] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[26:19] And she's saved by the movie inventing a branded dance move.

[26:23] The emoji pop.

Dan McCoy

[26:25] Stuart, I believe you can do the emoji pop.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] Stuart's going to show us the emoji pop.

[26:30] Well, we'll do our best to describe it.

Dan McCoy

[26:33] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[26:33] Stuart is...

[26:34] Yeah.

[26:35] It's kind of like he has to keep covering his face and a different emoji comes up.

[26:38] Yeah.

[26:38] But his legs kick out too.

Dan McCoy

[26:39] His legs kind of kick out like the scarecrow a little bit.

[26:42] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:44] That's the emoji pop, everybody.

[26:47] That's the hottest new dance inside your phone.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] You'd have to imagine that during some of those moves, my eyeballs were turning into dollar signs or hearts.

[26:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] Meanwhile, I'll do this.

[26:58] Jailbreak's hat flies off.

[26:59] There's a tiara underneath.

[27:00] She's actually a princess emoji.

[27:02] Uh-oh.

[27:03] The antivirus robots enter.

[27:05] Don't worry.

[27:05] They're on the other side of the app.

[27:06] But they're great dancers.

[27:07] So they are quickly reaching them.

[27:09] Also, they can shoot lasers, which is never really factored in as a real threat, even though that's the bigger threat than if they get close to you, that they can shoot a laser at you.

[27:18] You know, on the real world, of course, Alex's phone starts making dance sounds in school, and he gets in trouble.

[27:23] Alex deletes the app, which crumbles around our heroes, and we catch a glimpse of the Just Dance mascot, who is what?

[27:30] Christina Aguilera?

[27:31] Yes.

[27:33] Looking around, we get a clutch, a glimpse of her looking around in horror as her world is destroyed.

Dan McCoy

[27:39] Yeah, this is a very nihilistic movie.

[27:43] She's like, I just wanted people to dance.

[27:46] Like, the danger of this movie is, at all times, like, being deleted.

[27:51] Like, the danger is pure oblivion.

[27:53] Yeah.

[27:53] Like, that's the bad guy in the movie, really, is the erasure of yourself and all of your friends.

[28:00] Yeah, as if you never existed.

Stuart Wellington

[28:01] And you might spend a little bit of time in the purgatory of the, what, the garbage file?

[28:06] The garbage app.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] The trash can app, which is not an app on my phone.

[28:10] No.

Stuart Wellington

[28:10] Which is basically like a garbage planet, but doesn't feature cool robots singing that Dare

[28:16] to be Stupid song, which is the best garbage planet ever.

Elliott Kalan

[28:23] Can't argue with it.

[28:25] So, High Five gets taken by one of the robots and deleted.

[28:28] Uh-oh.

[28:29] So, to recap, by this point, we have learned that hands that are doing a High Five motion

Dan McCoy

[28:34] love candy and can dance really well.

[28:37] But it's dangerous for them.

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] Gene refuses to leave High Five behind.

[28:41] He says, what's the good of being number one without all the other numbers?

[28:43] Gilbrey thinks that's pretty cool.

[28:45] And she thinks they can save High Five by traveling to the garbage app

[28:49] by riding a boat through the music streams of the Spotify app.

Dan McCoy

[28:53] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Meanwhile, the other emojis are running out of time.

[28:57] Smiler upgrades one of the virus robots into a super virus robot,

[29:01] whose spoiler alert is much less effective than the other robots we've seen.

Dan McCoy

[29:04] By the way, I think they always go through, like, the interesting apps.

[29:09] I think it would be interesting if they had to go through, like,

[29:11] well, now we have to go through the calculator.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] Uh-oh.

[29:14] We've got to finish off all these reminders, or else we'll never get out of this app.

[29:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:21] Let's go into Slack.

[29:24] Talk about schedules.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] All right.

[29:29] Settings?

[29:30] Oh, no!

[29:33] Jailbreak complains while they're on a canoe they got somewhere,

[29:36] riding the Spotify music streams,

[29:38] each of those streams paying the artists who created them fractions of a penny.

[29:44] Jailbreak complains that emoji women can only be princesses or brides,

[29:47] but in the clouds, you can do anything.

[29:50] Now, Jean, who's a meh, has a mom.

[29:53] So that's a woman who's a meh.

[29:55] Right.

[29:56] And Smiler is a woman.

[29:58] So which emoji?

[29:59] Did they just develop more since Jailbreak left?

[30:01] I think so, yeah.

[30:02] What's the timeline here?

[30:03] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[30:04] I think she was part of the first, I think she specifically says,

[30:07] in the beginning, God created emojis.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] So this is kind of like a May-September romance between Jailbreak and Jean.

Dan McCoy

[30:16] Yeah.

[30:16] But you're also opening a whole can of worms with the idea of there are sexed meh emojis.

[30:22] There's both the male and the female meh.

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] That makes me wonder, like, is the cake emoji, does that have a gender or a sex?

[30:27] Right.

[30:28] Like, the shrimp emoji.

[30:30] I want to know.

Dan McCoy

[30:31] Yeah.

[30:31] And apparently these emojis make love if they create the baby meh.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] We see no other, well, there's a donut emoji who has little baby donuts, and there's Jean's parents.

[30:40] Yeah.

[30:40] How did that happen?

[30:42] What's that all about?

[30:42] I mean, how do we know they're...

Dan McCoy

[30:44] I mean, they're totally smooth.

[30:44] I don't see any genitals.

Stuart Wellington

[30:46] Well, they might have...

[30:46] I mean, there's no actual indication they're having...

[30:49] They reproduce sexually.

[30:52] They could just be like beholders in D&D and dream other emojis into existence.

Dan McCoy

[30:58] Okay.

[30:58] Possible.

[31:00] Only in a live podcast taping does beholders get an applause break.

Elliott Kalan

[31:07] Where's the beholder emoji?

[31:09] Why don't they have one of those?

[31:10] I guess it's a...

[31:10] That's actually crazy that that doesn't exist.

[31:12] I guess because it's a copyrighted character.

Stuart Wellington

[31:13] Maybe nerds aren't into tech stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] Yeah, right.

[31:16] Yeah.

[31:17] There's not a lot of overlap between the tech world and the D&D world.

[31:22] Although, I guess they got to be doing something on those private buses.

[31:25] I thought it was playing D&D, but I don't know.

[31:27] That's a San Francisco joke.

[31:28] Anyway, long story short, Jailbreak says to Jean, I know you want to be this one thing,

[31:35] but I think you're cool the way you are.

[31:36] They have an almost kiss moment.

[31:38] It's much like the kiss the girl sequence from Little Mermaid, except that's really good and

[31:43] this is not good.

[31:44] Long story short, they save high five by hoisting him out of the garbage, leaving the Just App

[31:49] Dancer and the trolls to continue dying.

[31:53] Jean's mom wanders into Instagram and walks through Alex's memories, and Jean's dad is there, and he reveals, you know what?

[31:59] He has other expressions, too.

[32:00] He's just never used them, and he blames himself for Jean's condition.

[32:03] They reconfirm their love and leave, hopefully finding a corner somewhere along the way to maybe do what they need to have another little Jean.

[32:12] Whatever that is.

[32:13] Yeah.

[32:14] Meanwhile, the upgraded Cube Cloud bot, who's made up of lots of little cubes, finds our heroes, but he can't follow them into Dropbox because, as Jailbait says, in maybe the most quotable...

[32:25] Oh, Jailbait.

[32:25] Jailbait.

[32:26] Because Jailbait is a dumb name.

[32:29] As Jailbait says, in maybe...

[32:31] Whereas Jailbait is a great name.

[32:35] According to Lemmy, it is.

[32:36] Yeah.

[32:38] Anyway, whereas Jailbait, in the most quotable line in the movie, says, it can't follow us because it's illegal malware and Dropbox is secure.

Dan McCoy

[32:49] By the way...

[32:50] How many kids are quoting that line with their friends?

[32:53] Which raises the question, who is this movie for?

[32:57] Because there are no children out there who understand the jokes about Dropbox and firewalls and whatnot, but there's no one over the age of three that would be entertained by the Emoji movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] I love the concept of kids being so excited that Dropbox is going to be in the movie.

[33:15] Are you all my favorite file sharing service?

[33:18] Like, at the end of the first Avengers, when Thanos showed up, and I was like, holy shit, Thanos is in a movie?

[33:24] That these kids are like, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[33:26] I'm going to finally get to see Dropbox in a movie?

[33:30] I just hope that they portray him in the way I've come to know him from my use of him as a file sharing service.

Stuart Wellington

[33:37] That never works for Elliot properly.

[33:40] And it always asks me to pay money to make it bigger.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] I always run out of space.

[33:45] There's a lot of ads online that are about paying money to make things bigger.

[33:50] Yeah.

[33:54] Anyway, Dropbox takes them on kind of a crappy theme park ride to the firewall.

[34:01] Guess what?

[34:01] Alex's password turns out to be Abby, the name of the girl he has a crush on, which is super creepy.

[34:08] They enter the cloud, and Jailbreak starts doing her coding hacking work to change Jean into a full-on meh.

[34:14] But he says, while I have these expressions, I want to use them.

[34:17] And he tells her that he loves her, and he could stay there with her forever and ever and ever.

[34:21] And it goes from super sweet to really clingy and creepy, like almost instantly.

[34:25] The more evers and forevers he adds to this, it's like, you just met her earlier today.

[34:31] Like, ask her out once before you tell her how you want to be with her forever in the cloud.

Dan McCoy

[34:35] To this movie's credit, I don't think that they ever end up together, right?

[34:39] Like, at the end of the movie, there's no...

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] It's heavily implied that they now have a working relationship.

[34:44] Oh, really?

[34:45] He has been friend-zoned.

[34:45] I mean, a working relationship, yeah.

[34:47] Oh, working relationship, yeah.

[34:49] No, not a working relationship as in a functioning romantic relationship.

[34:52] Working like they work together now.

Dan McCoy

[34:53] No, that's good.

[34:54] I think it's good that this movie at least doesn't paint Matt as like,

[34:58] Oh, because I love you, because I'm like pining after you, you of course need to love me back.

[35:03] Like, Jailbreak is like, you know what, you're great, but I'm not into you.

Elliott Kalan

[35:07] She's like, I don't want to be defined by a relationship.

[35:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:10] And he's like, really hurt.

[35:12] In so far as the Emoji Movie has a good message, that's the closest it comes to it.

Elliott Kalan

[35:16] I mean, the other messages are, be yourself as long as being yourself involves using all these branded apps and products.

[35:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] And use Dropbox.

[35:23] It's a great service.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Kids, if you're not using Dropbox to send your friends, I don't know what, stickers and graham crackers?

[35:31] Then I don't know what you're doing.

Dan McCoy

[35:36] Timmy, I Dropboxed you a graham cracker.

Elliott Kalan

[35:40] Yum, I guess.

[35:41] Hey, can I, you have two Go-Gurts in your lunch.

[35:43] Can I have one?

[35:43] Yeah, let me Dropbox it to you.

[35:48] Gene is really hurt.

[35:49] Now he's meh for real.

[35:51] His soul has been killed.

[35:52] And then Megabot attacks him.

[35:54] Oh no.

[35:55] And High Five is like, jailbreak, save him.

[35:57] And she becomes, she takes off her hat, becomes a princess emoji again, whistles, and summons the most powerful of all the icons, the Twitter bird.

[36:07] Oh yeah.

[36:09] And this is, I assume.

Stuart Wellington

[36:09] So normally you would expect the Twitter bird to show up and just devour them and shit all over them and spew hot garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] The Twitter bird just shows up and dumps mean feelings on them.

[36:21] And they're like, why did I do this?

Dan McCoy

[36:23] Yeah, a bunch of neo-Nazis come out of the Twitter bird.

[36:27] Oh no, why weren't you banned?

Elliott Kalan

[36:29] Just Russian bots swarm.

[36:32] But the Twitter, and this is the moment where-

Stuart Wellington

[36:33] I wanted the German Twitter bot that's not racist.

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] This is the part where, I guess the audience of five-year-olds is supposed to just get up out of their seats cheering that Twitter bird showed up.

[36:46] Because he's not an angry bird.

[36:48] He's an un-angry bird.

[36:49] He's Twitter bird.

[36:51] Yeah.

[36:51] He can't lift that, well, no.

[36:53] But everyone has their limits.

[36:54] Yeah.

[36:55] Anyway.

[36:55] He keeps trying.

[36:56] Meanwhile, Smiler, I thought that virus bot was going to kill Gene.

[36:59] No.

[37:00] He takes him back to Smiler.

[37:01] Smiler wants to kill Gene in front of everybody, all the other emojis.

[37:05] And even the other emojis are like, this is a little weird.

[37:08] They're like, look, what our government does in our name, we don't want to see it.

[37:12] Like, we kind of know what's happening in the back of our heads, but we don't want to be confronted with it.

[37:16] We're complicit in a way that I'm not really comfortable with.

[37:20] This is why I tell myself those taxes go to Rhodes, and I don't think about what else they pay for.

[37:24] Anyway, I assume that's what Poop Emoji was saying when he made some poop joke.

[37:28] But Gene's parents show up.

[37:31] Dad reveals he's also a malfunction, and Smiler's like, all right, I'll just kill you both.

[37:36] Jailbreak and High Five show up, and they shut down that robot, which falls on Smiler, and I assumed for a moment killed her.

[37:42] But, uh-oh, there's a bigger threat.

[37:45] Guys, remember that ticket block?

[37:46] Bigger than an emoji?

[37:49] There's a bigger threat than a giant robot that's going to crush you, because it's time for Alex's tech support appointment.

[37:55] No!

[37:58] Why?

[37:59] This is a horrifying moment.

[38:00] Why wasn't Thor Ragnarok called Thor tech support appointment?

[38:04] It's the same basic issue.

[38:05] They're worried their homes will be destroyed.

[38:07] Yeah.

[38:09] And they start deleting the phone, which, in classic movie fashion, means that everything except the main character starts disappearing and, you know, turning into nothingness.

[38:17] It's a lot of back to the future stuff.

Dan McCoy

[38:20] Yeah.

[38:21] It's like a circle that becomes smaller and smaller on the phone as things get deleted, which, of course, as we all know, is the way things get deleted on a phone.

[38:29] Like, they don't all just get deleted at once.

[38:31] It's this slight accretion over time.

Elliott Kalan

[38:35] That's why I always put your favorite app in the center of the screen.

[38:38] Yeah.

[38:38] Because it'll get deleted last, and you get that last sweet second with it.

[38:43] It's like when Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando says, I like you, I'll kill you last.

[38:47] That's how you should feel about that app.

[38:49] Put it in the middle.

[38:50] And then you put it in the, and then you let it die anyway, and you go, I lied, and that kind of thing.

[38:55] That's what Arnold Schwarzenegger says when he deletes apps from his phone.

[38:59] Facebook, I like you best.

[39:01] I'll kill you last.

[39:02] I lied.

[39:03] Facebook.

[39:03] Delete.

[39:04] Uninstall.

[39:06] But they're like, if we can get one last emoji through to Alex, and it's the perfect emoji to text to Addy, he'll realize his phone isn't messed up.

[39:14] It's better than a normal phone.

[39:16] And it'll save us.

Stuart Wellington

[39:17] Hey, Elliot.

[39:18] Elliot, you know what Arnold Schwarzenegger is when he's deleting apps?

[39:22] Eraser.

Elliott Kalan

[39:25] Nice.

[39:26] Nice.

[39:26] That's a movie.

[39:27] That did not deserve groans from the audience.

[39:30] That people should be throwing flowers and hosannas on you.

[39:34] They should be taking you on their shoulders and parading you through the streets like some sort of child god.

[39:41] Whose every utterance is both innocent and wise.

Dan McCoy

[39:45] Now, like, now I'm desperately trying to think of something else.

[39:49] And the best I could come up with was Command O.

[39:54] Which I don't know what we'll do.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] That's the best you could come up with?

[39:57] That's the best I could come up with.

[39:58] I'll tell you what, Dan.

[39:59] Let's see a little bit of the slush file on that one.

[40:02] What didn't make it to your lips if Command O was the best?

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Jingle all the way.

Elliott Kalan

[40:12] Forget I asked.

[40:12] You're asking for the worst.

[40:14] And I got it.

[40:15] Okay.

[40:17] There's only, and so, because of course Alex will see the emoji on his phone, go, yeah, this is how to talk to Addie.

[40:23] I won't erase my phone.

[40:24] That's the way people think.

[40:26] Textopolis is getting deleted, including Gene's parents.

[40:29] Jailbreak is like, Gene, I believe in you.

[40:31] And Gene takes the time as his world is being destroyed.

[40:34] His parents having just been consigned to the trash heap of history.

[40:38] Their memories to be erased when he's erased from existence takes a moment to remember all the good scenes we had in the movie.

[40:46] As we flash back through the things that maybe we forgot about, since this movie is almost 80 minutes long.

[40:53] And finally Gene just goes, you know what?

[40:55] And he gets scanned as he does multiple facial expressions.

[40:59] It's a moving emoji that tells multiple facial expressions.

[41:02] And it goes through like, hi, bashful, kissy face.

[41:06] I think you're cool.

[41:07] Whatever.

[41:08] And Alex goes, check out this emoji.

[41:11] Of course, it's the perfect emoji.

[41:12] It says everything.

[41:13] He sends it to Addie.

[41:14] Addie's response, that's one super cool emoji.

[41:17] You know what, Alex?

[41:18] I will go to the dance with you.

[41:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] The idea that she is wooed by this single emoji that just like cycles through emotions.

[41:26] Like, if anything, like, why couldn't he have just, if that was the answer to everything, he could have just put all those emojis in a line together.

[41:34] But he didn't know that.

[41:34] And expressed the same thing.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] Look, what she's saying to him right then is, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of divoji.

[41:43] Yeah.

[41:44] I second that emoji.

[41:46] Okay.

[41:49] That's the message right there in that scene.

[41:54] Anyway, Gene, at that point again.

Dan McCoy

[41:57] Stuart, you okay?

[41:57] Stuart is busy vomiting.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] Stuart, imagine how unhappy you're going to be when I mention this, that Gene's not dancing anymore.

[42:05] He's making emoji move.

[42:07] Anyway, that's a more up-to-date one.

[42:10] All right, forget.

[42:11] I guess I'm the only one who listens to the radio while they drive in a car.

[42:15] So she goes to the dance with him.

[42:16] He unplugs the phone and everything magically undeletes.

[42:21] Gene saved the day.

[42:22] All the emojis love him.

[42:24] And you know what?

[42:25] We're done with hierarchies and Textopolis.

[42:27] Now everyone's allowed the VIP section.

[42:29] And they all dance that hot new dance.

[42:32] The emoji pop.

[42:34] Stuart, give us a taste.

Jordan Morris

[42:36] Oh, boy.

[42:37] Here it goes.

[42:38] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[42:39] He's popping.

[42:40] He's dancing.

[42:42] Different faces.

[42:43] Look at that tongue out.

[42:44] Oh, he looks confused.

[42:45] Oh, he's happy now.

Dan McCoy

[42:48] Even with a bad back.

[42:50] Yeah.

[42:51] With a bad back, he's doing it.

[42:52] The last time we came to California, Stuart was so injured he couldn't even join us.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Now he's emoji popping.

[42:57] And there's a little post-credits scene that Stuart missed because he left the room at that

[43:01] point where we see that Smiler in a neck brace now after having had a huge robot drop on her

[43:06] is in the loser's lounge.

[43:08] Which gives the lie to High Five statement earlier that now everyone's allowed in the VIP lounge.

[43:13] It seems that she's a political opponent.

[43:16] Yeah, he is.

[43:17] Much like Plato's Republic.

[43:19] This is only an illusion of democracy, but is actually controlled by high-placed elites, namely Gene, jailbreak, and high five.

Dan McCoy

[43:28] So that's great.

Elliott Kalan

[43:29] Thus ends the epic tale of the Emoji Movie.

[43:33] Yeah.

[43:35] So that's really quick.

[43:37] So, so, uh...

Dan McCoy

[43:39] Dan?

[43:41] No, I'm, okay, I was looking to see where the audience mic was.

[43:44] So really quick, let's...

[43:45] I was looking to see where the audience was.

[43:47] Dan, are you okay?

[43:49] Let's say our final judgments, whether this was a good-bad movie, a bad-bad movie, or a movie we kind of like, Elliot, go.

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] I would say this was a bad-bad movie.

[43:59] Um, you know what?

[44:01] I'll say one thing.

[44:02] It might even be good-bad.

[44:04] Because...

[44:05] Really?

[44:05] There's a lot in this movie to dig through when you're watching and go like, what?

[44:10] Why is that happening?

[44:12] It is...

[44:13] There's nothing, like, the jokes in it are not particularly funny.

[44:17] Characters don't make sense.

[44:18] The logic of the world does not make sense.

[44:21] It's basically an 80-minute advertisement to children about how great phones are.

[44:26] And especially branded apps, like Dropbox.

Stuart Wellington

[44:31] I mean, it's a super secure app.

[44:34] It's...

[44:36] It's great.

[44:36] If Dropbox were to say, want to sponsor our podcast, I wouldn't be against it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:40] I wouldn't turn that down.

[44:41] It's a great app.

[44:42] It's secure.

[44:43] Malware can't go in.

[44:44] You've been chased by a...

[44:45] Malware, whatever it's pronounced.

[44:46] If you're being chased by a big antivirus robot, hop inside a Dropbox.

[44:50] It can't follow you.

[44:51] Although, the weird thing is, if anything, the antivirus robot was created by the emoji app.

Stuart Wellington

[44:57] That antivirus robot was given an illegal power-up or something, right?

[45:02] Oh, I see.

[45:03] That's what it was.

[45:03] Guys!

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] I guess what I'm going to say is, go watch the emoji movie, because I'm a sadist.

[45:08] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] Guys, this is a bad, bad movie.

[45:12] The jokes aren't funny at all, and they're super lazy.

[45:17] And if you want to watch a good, bad movie like this, if you want to watch a good, bad, terribly animated movie focused on branded content, I direct you to Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[45:31] It will give you nightmares.

[45:33] It's crazy.

[45:35] I will say, the animation in this movie is not so bad.

[45:38] I didn't like...

[45:38] The design is not fantastic, but...

Dan McCoy

[45:40] Yeah, it's not great.

[45:42] Well, it looks like emojis.

[45:43] I mean, it's a brightly colored movie.

[45:46] The animation is fine.

[45:47] Like, the look of the movie is not the problem.

[45:48] The problem is the jokes and just, like, the conception of it.

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] The premise?

Dan McCoy

[45:53] Yeah, it's a bad, bad movie.

[45:55] Even the fact that they could not come up...

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] Just title the movie, like, emojis or something.

[45:59] The emoji movie, it feels like they didn't have a title for it, and the prince accidentally went out to the theaters before they could put a title on it.

Dan McCoy

[46:07] Oh, I thought it sounds like we've been clamoring for this all our lives.

[46:11] It's like, finally, the emoji movie!

[46:13] The emoji movie!

Jordan Morris

[46:19] I can't hear myself, but I'm assuming...

[46:23] These are real podcast listeners, not actors.

[46:27] Hey, thanks for coming.

[46:29] Here's a list of descriptors.

[46:32] What would you choose to describe the perfect podcast?

[46:36] I mean, vulgarity.

[46:38] Dumb.

[46:39] Definitely dumb.

S6

[46:41] And, like, right here, this one.

[46:44] Meritless.

Jordan Morris

[46:45] What if I told you there was a podcast that did have all of that?

[46:49] No.

[46:50] Jordan Jesse Go.

[46:52] And it's free.

S7

Jordan Morris

[46:58] A real podcast.

[47:04] Beloved Maximum Fun Star Trek podcast, The Greatest Generation, is going out on tour.

S4

[47:09] We are bringing Greatest Gen Con to a bunch of cities in the U.S. and Canada.

[47:14] It's our big tribute to slash send-up of Star Trek II.

[47:19] The Wrath of Con.

[47:20] And we have a big leg coming up.

[47:22] Yes, we are raising our legs on a number of cities in the coming weeks.

[47:26] We're going to Washington, D.C. on August 23rd.

[47:30] The Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on August 24th.

[47:33] Mass Mocha in North Adams, Massachusetts on August 25th.

[47:36] Pittsburgh on the 28th.

[47:38] Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater on the 29th.

[47:41] Atlanta, Georgia at the Earl on the 30th.

[47:43] Ferndale, Michigan at the Magic Bag on the 31st.

Jordan Morris

[47:46] Those are some great big rooms and some great big cities, Ben.

S4

[47:50] And it's a really fun show.

[47:51] It's accessible even if you haven't listened to the podcast yet.

Jordan Morris

[47:54] We can't wait to see you when we're out on tour.

[47:56] Check GreatestGenCon.com for dates and ticketing information.

S4

[48:01] And con is spelled K-H-A-N because Wrath of Con.

Dan McCoy

[48:04] Greatest Gen, K-H-A-N.com.

[48:08] Hey, everyone.

[48:09] It's a live show, so you know what that means.

[48:11] It's time for another Dan Solo Ad Read.

[48:16] If I was really industrious, I would put a reverb after that,

[48:20] under that.

[48:23] But I'm not.

[48:24] I am not industrious.

[48:26] Now, let's address the elephant in the room.

[48:29] A lot of people have been writing in.

[48:31] A lot of people have been tweeting at me saying,

[48:33] Dan, that last ad read, were you super drunk?

[48:37] And the answer is no.

[48:39] No, I'm sorry, guys.

[48:41] I was super tired.

[48:44] What you're hearing there is tired.

[48:47] Tired and self-hatred.

[48:50] Self-hatred.

[48:52] Self-hatred.

[48:53] So on that note, let's talk about Squarespace.

[48:57] Now, Squarespace is a great service.

[49:00] You can use it to make all sorts of websites.

[49:03] Websites where you speculate, perhaps, on whether I've been drinking or not.

[49:07] Or whether I'm just, again, very tired.

[49:11] And what can you do with the Squarespace website?

[49:14] You can showcase your work.

[49:16] You can announce another event or special project.

[49:20] And you can use their powerful e-commerce functionality to sell anything online.

[49:30] They've got beautiful templates created by world-class designers.

[49:34] Free and secure hosting.

[49:35] And nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

[49:38] Ever.

[49:39] I hate upgrading things.

[49:42] Squarespace.

[49:43] Can you help?

[49:44] Squarespace says, yes.

[49:46] Nothing to patch or upgrade.

[49:52] If you are interested in any of this, you can go to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[49:58] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[50:10] So that's our big business sponsor.

[50:14] But I know what you come here for.

[50:16] You come here for the Jumbotrons.

[50:18] You come here for the people.

[50:20] We've got a couple of Jumbotrons right now.

[50:24] First off, you love Elliot's recommendations, right?

[50:29] Sure, we all do.

[50:31] If you're looking for more Elliot-esque fancy pants movie chat, we invite you to visit the Magic Lantern Podcast.

[50:37] If you're more of a steward, don't worry.

[50:41] We cover the grindhouse as well as the art house.

[50:43] All you dams won't be left out either, as we even have a butt-centric episode 69.

[50:48] The Magic Lantern Podcast is all things to all people.

[50:52] Listen today.

[50:53] Find the Magic Lantern on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Play, or wherever you find your podcasts and subscribe today.

[51:00] Now let's see.

[51:00] A butt-centric episode 69.

[51:05] That is a subscribe.

[51:09] Just going to go to the podcast.

[51:13] Search for podcasts.

[51:16] Find the Magic Lantern.

[51:20] I can do this later.

[51:21] I can do this later.

[51:22] What am I doing?

[51:25] That was the podcast subscription bit.

[51:30] This next message is for Channing and is from Mara.

[51:37] And I almost said that it was for Channing and from Tatum.

[51:44] For Channing and from Mara, though.

[51:48] And that's not for Channing.

[51:51] That's for Channing.

[51:54] And Mara says,

[51:56] The last four years of watching movies and TV shows with you have been the best four years of my life.

[52:04] I look forward to many more.

[52:06] Happy anniversary, Channing.

[52:08] All my love.

[52:09] And butterfly kisses, Mara.

[52:12] But that's all sponsors we have.

[52:15] So now let's enjoy the rest of this episode, which I can't remember which one it is.

[52:24] We should move on, though.

[52:26] Okay.

[52:27] All right.

[52:27] What do we do next, Dan?

[52:28] Looking at me like I'm the ringmaster here.

[52:31] We're going to take a few audience questions if you care to ask them.

[52:35] There's an audience mic over here, which is what I was looking for before when Elliot made fun of me.

[52:40] House left, stage right.

[52:41] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[52:42] It's just you suddenly looked as if you saw a ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[52:46] Dan, are you just sad that we've been talking about phones this whole time and you haven't got the look of ears in a while?

Dan McCoy

[52:51] I am sad that I haven't got the look of my phone for a little while.

Stuart Wellington

[52:54] Now, Elliot, you usually like to give a little bit of a speech before we do audience questions.

[53:00] Yes.

[53:00] Sometimes you're too harsh about it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:03] You know, everybody, four score and seven years ago.

[53:06] All right.

[53:08] Our four, yep.

Dan McCoy

[53:09] No, that's not the speech that you usually do.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] Okay.

[53:11] Is it the speech from the day that you stood still?

[53:13] No, that's not.

[53:14] Wait.

[53:15] If you threaten to extend your violence, this earth of yours shall be reduced to a burned out cinder.

[53:21] That's not the speech either.

[53:23] Okay.

[53:23] Is it a, you can't handle the truth.

[53:26] That's not really a speech, I guess.

[53:27] That's just a thing he says.

Stuart Wellington

[53:29] Yeah.

[53:29] Just one line from the movie.

[53:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[53:31] Well, isn't every speech just one line that's real long?

Dan McCoy

[53:35] Well, it's such a stupid philosophical statement.

Elliott Kalan

[53:41] All right.

[53:42] Let me talk.

[53:42] Okay.

[53:42] I don't want to sound too rough here.

[53:43] Okay.

[53:44] Here's the thing.

[53:45] We've all been to Q&As.

[53:48] We've all had Qs.

[53:49] We've wanted aid.

[53:50] And we've all seen people with Qs that didn't really deserve to be aid.

[53:55] Let's just say that.

[53:56] So here's a piece of advice I like to take when I'm at a Q&A.

[54:00] When I got a good steaming hot Q all racked up, ready for a good old-fashioned A-ing, I like to say to myself.

Stuart Wellington

[54:08] I regret setting you up for this.

Elliott Kalan

[54:12] I like to say to myself, hey, does anyone but me care about this question?

[54:17] Or to put in other words, if I was not me and someone else asked this question from their own mouths, would I care?

[54:27] And if I think to myself, no, if someone else asked this question, I would not care.

[54:32] Then I think of another question.

[54:34] And so I guess let's just have, let's just, in the interest of time and everything like that, look.

[54:40] Oh, God.

[54:42] Whenever Elliot says, in the interest of time.

[54:45] In the interest of my sucking up more time, look.

[54:49] You guys are here for us.

[54:50] That's fantastic.

[54:51] And we love it.

[54:51] That's amazing.

[54:52] You're our favorite people.

[54:53] And thank you so much, San Francisco, for being so welcoming to us and everyone for coming out here.

[54:58] You don't need to tell us how much you like us.

[55:00] So skip the intro.

[55:01] Tell us how much you like us.

[55:02] Because we know it.

[55:03] You wouldn't be here otherwise.

Dan McCoy

[55:04] Jesus Christ, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[55:05] Unless this is one of those grand piano type situations where you're here because you've got to solve a crime before a family member is murdered or something.

[55:14] One of those Nick at Time with Johnny Depp situations.

Dan McCoy

[55:16] Now we say mean and conceited.

Elliott Kalan

[55:18] One of those Cary Grant at the auction house situations.

Dan McCoy

[55:22] No, let's just start taking questions.

[55:24] Let's just start taking questions.

Elliott Kalan

[55:25] We don't have time for a song, unfortunately.

[55:29] Well, if you say that, then.

[55:34] We really don't have time for a song right now.

[55:39] Dan and Stu, take a breather.

[55:42] Because me and these folks are going to have a little song about how we don't have time for the song that I'm singing right now.

[55:49] I'm eating up the clock.

[55:50] Hey, put a sock in it, Elliot.

[55:53] Because we really don't have time for this song right now.

[55:57] But hey, you know.

[55:59] I just feel like it wouldn't be a Flophouse show.

[56:02] If there wasn't a song from me to you that went a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long way.

[56:11] Hey, everyone.

[56:14] We've had a great time with this song.

[56:17] Maybe it's time to put it to bed.

[56:20] And let it live inside of your head in the memories that you'll take with you to the end of your days.

[56:28] And someday on your deathbed, when you think back to the moments that meant the most to you,

[56:35] This song will be there to comfort you in those final moments when you realize that heaven doesn't exist.

[56:44] Thank you very much, everybody.

[56:45] Let's get to the questions, shall we?

[56:51] All right.

[56:52] I might just be wrong.

[56:53] No, I don't know one.

Dan McCoy

[56:55] No more.

[56:56] You, sir.

[56:57] Please.

[56:58] Hey, guys.

[56:58] Great song.

[56:59] Thank you.

[56:59] Thank you very much.

[57:00] Encore?

[57:01] Of course.

[57:03] We're already hitting.

[57:05] All right.

[57:06] Please.

Jordan Morris

[57:06] So I've been through a lot of the back catalogs.

[57:10] I'm sorry.

[57:11] I've never once heard you guys mention the movie, Freddy Got Fingered.

[57:17] Sure.

[57:18] And I feel like it's an omission.

[57:20] And I was just wondering if I could get a hot take on it.

Dan McCoy

[57:22] My hot take is I kind of like Freddy Got Fingered.

[57:26] I think it's kind of funny.

Elliott Kalan

[57:27] I've actually never seen it.

Dan McCoy

[57:29] No?

[57:29] I haven't seen it either.

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] I was never a big fan of the Tom Green show, so I just didn't bother to see the movie.

Dan McCoy

[57:32] I mean, it's barely a movie.

[57:34] It's like.

[57:35] Sell it.

[57:35] Sell it to me.

[57:36] Yeah.

[57:36] Sounds great.

[57:37] It's just a bunch of weird scenes strung together.

[57:39] But if you want to see a movie where Tom Green, out of nowhere, sees a horse by the side of

[57:46] the road with a big dick, decides that he needs to immediately stop the car, run out of the

[57:53] car, jack off the horse, and then continue on his way.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] I feel like you're not describing a film that I need to see.

[58:02] It's your film.

[58:02] I feel like there's not a Tom Green jacking off a horse hole in my heart that needs to be

Jordan Morris

[58:07] filled.

Elliott Kalan

[58:09] But, okay.

[58:10] Stuart, you got a feeling about it?

[58:12] I haven't seen it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:14] So, I can't really say much.

Elliott Kalan

[58:15] So, this is why it has not been mentioned.

Stuart Wellington

[58:17] But, yeah.

[58:17] It's a movie that, like, at the time was paying quite a bit, but I think it has had a re-evaluation

[58:21] recently.

[58:23] Like, I've seen reviewers are like, hey, it's actually good, dude.

[58:27] That's my impression of a movie reviewer.

[58:29] You sound dumb.

[58:31] A movie reviewer for Ninja Turtle Quarterly.

[58:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:35] I gave it three pizzas.

Dan McCoy

[58:37] I guess that's our answer.

[58:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:40] Thank you.

[58:40] Thanks for coming.

[58:42] Next question.

Dan McCoy

[58:43] We may not have enough time to get through everyone, by the way.

[58:46] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[58:46] Let's try it.

[58:47] Why would that be?

[58:48] What did we do that ate up all that time?

Jordan Morris

[58:52] Hi.

[58:53] Tim.

[58:53] Middle name withheld, Bab.

[58:56] I wanted a two-part question.

[58:58] When will that animated YouTube page be updated again?

[59:02] Will that be anytime soon?

[59:04] And can we make requests?

[59:06] Because I'd really like to see the That's How It Works song animated.

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] Oh, we all would.

[59:10] That would be great.

[59:11] You mean my son's favorite Flop House song?

[59:13] Yeah, both my sons, too.

[59:15] Awesome.

[59:15] Our son's really out.

Stuart Wellington

[59:16] For a lot of that animated stuff, that's almost entirely done by this guy, Tony Oaker, who's

[59:22] great.

[59:22] He's fantastic.

[59:23] But he also has to survive and do stuff.

[59:28] So he does have a Patreon, which you can support.

[59:31] And obviously, I'm sure he'd listen to you if you went over to his Patreon.

[59:35] And he'll probably listen to this episode.

[59:36] So maybe it will inspire him.

Dan McCoy

[59:39] Yeah, but that's the answer.

[59:40] There's another guy who does that.

[59:42] And he's great.

[59:43] He's wonderful.

Elliott Kalan

[59:44] But he's got his own stuff going on.

[59:47] Thank you.

[59:50] Good question so far.

[59:51] We've got a high batting average.

Jordan Morris

[59:53] Hello.

[59:54] Matthew Greve.

[59:55] Last name withheld.

[59:57] Since Star Wars is almost coming out again.

[59:59] What?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:01] Why didn't anyone tell me about this?

[1:00:04] I like Star Wars.

[1:00:06] What is...

[1:00:07] And what's Han going to do in this one?

[1:00:09] He's my favorite character.

[1:00:10] I can't wait to see what he's up to.

Jordan Morris

[1:00:16] I wanted to ask, what is your favorite Star Wars background character or a background character you would like to be?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:22] Oh, hard for me to choose favorite.

[1:00:24] Same answer for both.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:26] It's Gonk Droid.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] Gonk Droid.

[1:00:29] That's the one I want to be.

[1:00:29] Pretty sweet.

[1:00:30] Because, you know, he's just there.

[1:00:32] He's like just chilling.

[1:00:34] Just plug some power stuff into him.

[1:00:36] But as for my favorite, I'll say it's tied between two classics.

[1:00:40] Ponda Beba and Momon Adon.

[1:00:42] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:43] Sweetest Cantina members.

[1:00:45] I mean, except for Ponda Beba, who's pretty much a thug.

[1:00:47] But, you know.

[1:00:48] I was going to say...

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:49] Oh, by the way, that's Salacious Crumb saying that.

[1:00:52] Oh, man.

[1:00:53] Salacious Crumb is a good pick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:55] I mean, I don't...

[1:00:55] That's the weird...

[1:00:56] That's the kind of thing where it's like...

[1:00:57] Well, he's not a background character.

[1:00:58] He's like a third lead.

[1:00:59] Salacious Crumb.

[1:01:01] He has lines.

[1:01:02] His lines are mainly like...

Dan McCoy

[1:01:03] Now that Disney is doing these standalone movies, how long is it before we get a Salacious Crumb film?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:08] Dan, don't even mention it.

[1:01:09] Because I'm going to go pitch that tomorrow.

[1:01:11] I want to write that movie and then be in it.

[1:01:14] As Salacious Crumb.

[1:01:15] As Salacious Crumb.

[1:01:16] Yeah.

[1:01:16] That kind of stuff, you know.

[1:01:18] Because I want to know.

[1:01:19] He's...

[1:01:20] According to the non-canon short stories, he's an animal who also has a job.

[1:01:24] Which is amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:26] Wait, what is his job?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] He's just the jester for Jabba.

[1:01:29] He's like a hype man.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:30] I've never seen him do anything.

[1:01:31] He's not jesting.

[1:01:32] He's just laughing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:34] That's half of a jester's job.

[1:01:36] He's like Jabba's Chewbacca.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:39] All right.

[1:01:39] Sure.

[1:01:40] Fine.

[1:01:40] So, Dan, who's your favorite background character?

[1:01:41] Well, I was going to say Gonk Droid, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:44] Okay, so anyone who does not know this.

[1:01:45] Gonk Droid is a box with legs.

[1:01:48] Yeah.

[1:01:48] Who just walks around saying Gonk.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:51] But since that was taken, I'm going to say the torture robot in Jabba's Palace who's torturing Gonk Droid.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:57] You'll certainly learn you in some respect.

[1:01:59] Yeah.

[1:02:01] Couldn't get it out.

[1:02:01] I'm no torture droid.

[1:02:03] You know what?

[1:02:04] I'm going to give a runner-up, since I have two that are tied for first place.

[1:02:08] Runner-up to, I think, Zuckus and Forlom.

[1:02:12] The two bounty hunters in Empire Strikes Back who are basically one's a robot version of the other one.

[1:02:17] And I like to think that Zuckus built Forlom as a friend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:22] One of them's a robot.

[1:02:24] One of them isn't.

[1:02:25] And you'll never guess which.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] That's the, what, the BuzzFeed article about it?

[1:02:30] Yeah.

[1:02:32] Good question.

[1:02:33] Thank you.

[1:02:33] Thank you very much.

[1:02:34] Thanks for being here.

Jordan Morris

[1:02:38] Hi, Jason.

[1:02:39] Last name withheld.

[1:02:41] Most movies released now are sequels or in franchises.

[1:02:44] Sometimes, sometimes squeakles.

[1:02:46] It's true.

[1:02:47] What is the movie that you would like to see a sequel from that there's never been a sequel?

[1:02:53] So not a sequel to a movie that has had a sequel.

[1:02:56] No.

[1:02:56] The one that demands it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:57] Okay.

[1:02:58] Because then it would be G3 Gremlins 3.

[1:03:02] I'm still waiting for a...

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:04] Is that set at a G3 Summit?

[1:03:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:07] It's the G3 Summit and someone brings a mogwai.

[1:03:11] Idiot.

[1:03:12] Trouble.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:13] I mean, I think the obvious answer to that one is either like a sequel to Big Trouble in

[1:03:19] Little China or...

Dan McCoy

[1:03:20] Or the long-awaited buckaroo bonsai against the World Crime League.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:25] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:26] Which they announced and it didn't happen.

[1:03:27] Yeah.

[1:03:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:30] Head of the Family 2.

[1:03:32] That was, what, teased?

[1:03:34] Head of the Family is a movie from Full Moon Pictures.

[1:03:36] Look it up, dudes.

[1:03:38] But Head of the Family 2, I think, was teased by a set of bookends that Full Moon put out

[1:03:44] where there's both the head of the family and then, I guess, his, like, the bride of the

[1:03:49] head of the family, which is the lady version.

[1:03:52] It looks pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:54] There's also Super Mario Bros.

[1:03:56] The movie ends on a cliffhanger.

[1:03:57] And that story never came to a satisfying conclusion.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:00] Did it have a satisfying beginning or middle?

[1:04:03] Nope.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:04] I mean, nothing about it satisfying.

[1:04:07] I don't know.

[1:04:10] Great answer.

[1:04:12] It's hard for me to think of, because, like, the best movies that I really love, they don't

Dan McCoy

[1:04:15] really cry out for sequels because the story is complete.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:18] There's movies...

[1:04:19] I don't need, like, I mean, I guess I was just about to say I don't need Chinatown 2, but

[1:04:22] that exists.

[1:04:22] It's called The Two Jakes.

[1:04:23] Yeah.

[1:04:23] It's not that great.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:24] There are movies that are supposed to have sequels that didn't, like, like, Hellboy 2 ends,

[1:04:30] like, with the promise of Hellboy 3, like, completing a story.

[1:04:33] Yeah.

[1:04:34] And that never got made because, you know, it was not a big success.

[1:04:38] So there's stuff like that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:40] I guess, like, they never made, like, a sequel.

[1:04:42] They never made, like, a restaurant at the end of the universe movie.

[1:04:45] The sequel to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and that would have been a nice thing.

[1:04:49] Yeah.

[1:04:49] Or I could just listen to the radio show or watch the TV series.

[1:04:52] Or read the book.

[1:04:53] Or read the book.

[1:04:54] Yeah.

[1:04:55] So, I don't know.

[1:04:56] I guess, you know what it is?

[1:04:57] There's so much great media out there to consume.

[1:05:00] Why am I asking for more, you know?

[1:05:02] Amen.

[1:05:03] Yeah.

[1:05:07] Thanks for being here.

[1:05:08] That being said, G3 Gremlins.

[1:05:12] Hi.

[1:05:12] I'm, okay.

Jordan Morris

[1:05:14] I'm John Devaney, and I was just wondering what your guys' biggest stand-up comedy influences

[1:05:20] are on your own comedy, and what your, like, movie influences are.

[1:05:24] Like, because they're, like, two different separate types.

[1:05:26] Hi, Phil.

[1:05:27] What's your biggest movie comedy influence in your life?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:33] I mean, for me, for both of them, for me, it's probably Groucho Marx.

[1:05:38] Yeah.

[1:05:38] So, that's, he's the best of all time.

[1:05:41] No, the Marx Brothers are.

[1:05:41] That's why they call him the goat, greatest of all time.

[1:05:43] Groucho of all time.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:45] The Marx Brothers are where I would go with movies.

[1:05:48] Like, I don't, like, for stand-up, like, I, you know, like, I mean, I'm not a stand-up

[1:05:53] myself.

[1:05:54] I've done stand-up because I'm in comedy, and so, like, at some point.

[1:05:59] But I've seen your act.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:00] It's pretty Larry the Cable Guy influenced.

[1:06:01] Oh, yeah.

[1:06:04] Your character of Harry the Plumbing Guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] I mean, like, there's no, like, but there's no person that I'm, like, oh, I'm trying to

[1:06:12] emulate them, or, like, that's what I'm doing when I do stand-up.

[1:06:16] You know, I'm just doing my own generic stand-up that never quite found its voice.

[1:06:22] Like, I would just be saying stand-ups that I like.

[1:06:25] Like, for instance, I don't know, Steve Martin's stuff when he was doing stand-up.

[1:06:28] Big Louis C.K. fan, right, Dan?

[1:06:31] He just likes his antics off the stage.

[1:06:36] Look, I was known as an innocent perpozoid, and now you're trying to turn me into an evil

[1:06:42] perpozoid, and I don't like it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:45] That's the plot of the Flophouse movie.

[1:06:48] An evil perpozoid who looks like you, except that he has a beard and a tweed jacket.

[1:06:53] Oh, no.

[1:06:54] He tries to take your place, and we've got to answer an ancient prophecy of a house cat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:00] Yeah, and we're like, which one of these two perpozoids do we shoot?

[1:07:08] J.K.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:10] I hope that answers your question.

[1:07:12] Stuart, do you have any?

[1:07:13] Oh, Stuart.

[1:07:14] Who's your influence?

[1:07:15] Like Booger from the Adventure Nurse movies?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:17] I was like, yeah, I'm kind of like an Apatow movie, like lovable loser.

[1:07:25] Except that you're a small business owner.

[1:07:26] You're not at all a loser.

[1:07:28] Well, that's, I mean, it's a difference between my stage persona and my real life.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:31] Oh, I see.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:33] When I get up on stage, I have to put on the Stuart character.

[1:07:36] Normally, I'm a very reserved person who likes to go to bed at an early hour.

[1:07:41] I don't know.

[1:07:42] Stop making a joke, actually.

[1:07:46] But, no, I mean, I, having never done any stand-up other than using PowerPoints, which is the poor man's punchline.

[1:07:57] You need to own a computer?

[1:07:58] Can't be that poor.

[1:08:00] I mean, computers aren't that expensive anymore, Elliot.

[1:08:02] That's privilege speaking.

[1:08:04] That's true.

[1:08:10] But, no, I would say my influence is on, like, I think I've always strove to be the, like, fun, dumpy, like, best friend character.

[1:08:20] You're like Stiles.

[1:08:21] He's not dumpy, but.

[1:08:22] I would love to be the Stiles of any relationship.

[1:08:26] I love how we're saying Stiles as if everyone immediately knows.

[1:08:29] I would love to be the Stiles from Teen Wolf the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:34] Is that better, Dan?

[1:08:35] That's better.

[1:08:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:37] I hope that helps.

[1:08:40] Hi.

Jordan Morris

[1:08:42] Nick, last name is held.

[1:08:44] Hello.

[1:08:44] Hi, Nick.

[1:08:45] So, you've mentioned Godzilla a couple times on the podcast.

[1:08:48] I was wondering what your favorite kaiju was that wasn't Godzilla.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:52] Oh, that's tough.

[1:08:55] Because everyone's going to say King Ghidorah.

[1:08:59] That's a good one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:01] I'd say Mothra because I like the song.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:03] It is a beautiful song.

[1:09:05] A design I've always loved since I was a kid was Gigan, who has two hooks for hands.

[1:09:10] And a beak and a kind of cyclops laser eye.

[1:09:12] And a buzzsaw on his belly.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:14] Wait, two hooks for hands and a cyclops eye?

[1:09:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] Wait a minute.

[1:09:18] Hold on.

[1:09:18] Hold on a second.

[1:09:19] Why, that's Dan McCoy.

[1:09:24] Yeah.

[1:09:24] But if I'm being honest with myself, I'm just like everybody else.

[1:09:26] I'm just like King Ghidorah because he rocks.

[1:09:28] Dan?

[1:09:29] Mothra.

[1:09:30] It's just Mothra.

[1:09:31] Wow.

[1:09:33] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:34] I mean, it's a giant moth.

[1:09:35] What more do you want?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:37] You're right.

[1:09:38] You're right.

[1:09:38] Nothing's cooler than moths.

[1:09:41] Make them big.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:43] Was there ever, like, I didn't watch a lot of kaiju movies.

[1:09:46] Was there ever a scene in one of those movies where they're like, turn off all the lights

[1:09:49] of the city.

[1:09:51] They're attracting Mothra.

[1:09:54] No, but that'd be pretty great.

[1:09:57] Good question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:02] Ready for more kaiju questions, but others too.

Jordan Morris

[1:10:05] Justin, last name with help.

[1:10:06] Hi, Justin.

[1:10:07] My question for you guys is, in the vein of Willem Dafoe in the Florida Project, who is

[1:10:12] an actor or actress traditionally cast in shady and or sinister roles that you'd like

[1:10:18] to see take on maybe a more heartwarming role?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:21] Hmm.

[1:10:24] I would like to see Udo Kier play possibly like a mentor, like a teacher or something.

[1:10:32] Yeah, that's a good choice.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:36] Robert Zadar.

[1:10:38] The late Robert Zadar.

[1:10:39] The late Robert Zadar.

[1:10:40] Someone said in the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:43] Yeah.

[1:10:43] I mean, I would like to see that because that would mean he'd be alive.

[1:10:46] Yeah.

[1:10:47] I mean, like, David Warner's not, no, is David Warner still alive?

[1:10:51] Can't remember.

[1:10:51] He's not always a bad guy, but he often is sinister, and I like him a lot.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:55] You know what?

[1:10:55] I just saw recently Lady Bird, and Tracy Letts plays the dad in that, and Tracy Letts is

[1:11:01] always playing an asshole in things, and he was amazing as just like this warm-hearted

[1:11:05] dad in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:06] You see his plays, and you're like, this man has no love in his heart.

[1:11:09] Yeah.

[1:11:10] Then you see him in the movie, and you're like, oh, yes, he does.

[1:11:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:13] I mean, I guess I would go with that because I thought he was great.

[1:11:17] Well, it happened already.

[1:11:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:21] Like, a genie came out, and you were like, I wish I had a successful podcast.

[1:11:25] Well-

[1:11:26] And the genie's like, easiest day of work in my life.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:28] Gotta go.

[1:11:29] There was a, in Force Awakens, it was really great to see Max von Sydow in the opening scene,

[1:11:35] because normally, as soon as I saw him, I'm like, I guess I knew who the bad guy is.

[1:11:39] But he isn't.

[1:11:40] He's a good guy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:40] The only bad thing with that scene was that we were all supposed to know who he was, and

[1:11:44] I was like, is this a character I've heard of before?

[1:11:47] Or am I supposed to be like, oh, the actor Max von Sydow is in the movie?

[1:11:52] Like, that's, they went to go talk to Max von Sydow on this rebel planet?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:56] We gotta get out of here by 10, so let's take-

[1:11:59] Says who?

[1:12:00] Let's take two more questions, and I'm sorry for everyone else on the line.

[1:12:03] We are gonna be around if you want to catch us and ask your question, but I apologize to

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:08] Or we could do a real lightning round.

[1:12:11] Lightning round, let's ask these questions real quick.

[1:12:13] One word answers from everybody.

[1:12:14] One word answers.

S6

[1:12:15] Hi, Melissa, last name I call you.

[1:12:17] Hi, Melissa.

[1:12:17] So, based in your Ishtar episode, you were talking about how Ishtar would be better if it

[1:12:21] was like more of a screwball comedy or more of an action flick, and I was wondering if

[1:12:26] you could remake a movie, but you had to change the genre, what movie would you remake,

[1:12:30] and what genre would you remake?

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:33] That's a good question.

[1:12:34] I would totally change The Odd Life of Timothy Green and make it a horror movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:40] Good call.

[1:12:41] Good call.

[1:12:42] This is why we can't do one word answers, because like-

[1:12:44] Just do a one phrase answer.

[1:12:46] I can't think that fast.

[1:12:48] I think you've been doing a podcast with me for 10 years.

[1:12:50] You should know that I can't think that fast.

[1:12:53] Well, I'm going to do Stagecoach in space.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:58] Star Trek was basically wagon train in space, but-

Dan McCoy

[1:13:01] The Muppets as a kitchen sink drama.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:06] Okay, great.

[1:13:07] I mean, that kind of was The Muppets TV show in a way.

[1:13:11] Okay, next question.

[1:13:12] Thanks very much.

[1:13:12] Sorry, we got to keep moving.

[1:13:13] Because Taskmaster Dan is like, oh, the clock.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:17] I want to be good to our venue.

[1:13:19] I don't.

Jordan Morris

[1:13:20] Okay, so-

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:21] No, they've been very good to us.

[1:13:22] We should be nice.

Jordan Morris

[1:13:23] So my original question doesn't really work in this format.

[1:13:26] So I guess I'd just ask, like, what is the one bit of fiction or something you would like to see turned into, like, a movie or a TV show?

[1:13:34] I assume this question has been asked before.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:38] I've talked before of my love of the Deptford trilogy.

[1:13:41] I think that would be a great, like, miniseries.

[1:13:46] And each trilogy of books, each book could be a season, a three-season thing and out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:51] And I've always wanted to see a movie of The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton, which is a book that is, like, half-chase sequence.

[1:13:58] And the only reason, I guess, it hasn't been made into a movie is that the end becomes a metaphysical allegory about the nature of God.

[1:14:04] So they just got to fix that one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:08] I'd like to see the comic book Kaiju Max adapted into, like, an animated prison drama, which is kind of what it already is.

[1:14:16] But I think it would just expose more people to what is a really great comic book.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:20] Excellent question.

[1:14:21] Thanks for giving us a substitute question.

[1:14:25] Hi.

[1:14:25] Christine Fredrickson.

[1:14:27] So we've all been eagerly watching Stuart Wellington's Sex Describer and Elliot Kaylin Starfucker.

[1:14:35] And I hear that this next season we're going to need a crossover episode.

[1:14:38] I was wondering if you could tell us what that will look like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:40] Well, as you know, for people who are not aware of our shows...

[1:14:42] I think that would be my job, right?

[1:14:43] What?

[1:14:44] Stuart Wellington's Sex Describer's job would be to describe this sexy thing we're talking about.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:49] And as you know, my show, Elliot Kaylin Starfucker, takes place in the golden age of Hollywood, where I bed my way through Hollywood's greatest ladies.

[1:14:56] So I guess I probably...

[1:14:58] This will be that special Ethel Barrymore episode that everybody's been asking for.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:03] I feel like it would involve me happening upon some kind of old-timey, like, handwritten porn describing the...

[1:15:11] Oh, I see.

[1:15:11] I figured there's some kind of puzzle box that opened a dimensional portal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:15] I've never heard of that thing ever happening.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:19] We really got to go, guys.

[1:15:22] I just don't want to mistreat the venue that's been so nice to us.

[1:15:27] I'm so sorry to everyone else in line.

[1:15:30] Again, we will be around if you want to talk to us.

[1:15:33] If you can catch us, we'll probably be out in the lobby for just a little while.

[1:15:38] And then we're going to do a meet-up.

[1:15:39] I know that there's a San Francisco Flophouse fans meet-up that was already arranged.

[1:15:44] It's at the library bar.

[1:15:47] We'll try and stop by.

[1:15:48] If that place is too crowded and has too many Santas in it, I understand there is a backup venue that is called Pacific Cocktail Haven.

[1:16:01] So we'll be at one of those two places.

[1:16:04] Yeah.

[1:16:04] It's like a regular Flophouse scavenger hunt.

[1:16:08] But thank you so much for coming out.

[1:16:10] Thank you, San Francisco.

[1:16:13] Thank you to everybody at the Marine Memorial Theater.

[1:16:16] This has been so great.

[1:16:19] We've had a great time for the Flophouse.

[1:16:22] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:16:24] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:16:26] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:16:28] Thank you very much, everybody.

[1:16:29] Good night, everyone.

S7

[1:16:35] Maybe you'll want to give me this sweet

[1:16:40] But only for one night when you'll repeat

[1:16:44] And maybe you'll go away and never call

[1:16:49] And a taste of fun is worse than none at all

[1:16:55] Oh, look, girl, in that case I don't want no thought

[1:16:59] I do believe that that would only break my heart

[1:17:05] Oh, but if you feel like loving me

[1:17:09] Then you've got the notion

[1:17:11] I second that emotion

[1:17:14] So, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion

[1:17:21] I second that emotion

[1:17:24] Maybe you'll think that love would tie you down

[1:17:32] And you don't have the time to hang around

[1:17:37] Or maybe you'll think that love was made for fools

[1:17:42] Dan, if they keep clapping, we don't have to do a show

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:51] We'll just release that

Dan McCoy

[1:17:54] Thank you, audience, for picking up your cue

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:56] Unlike every other audience for when you mention their city

[1:18:00] They don't go crazy applauding

Dan McCoy

[1:18:02] Hey, Cincinnati

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:05] Well, I'm from Cincinnati

[1:18:07] And we're in Cincinnati right now

[1:18:08] Yeah, I forgot to do my

[1:18:09] I don't

[1:18:10] Hold on a second

[1:18:10] He mentioned Cincinnati

[1:18:12] How do I feel about that?

[1:18:15] I'm glad that he mentioned where we are

[1:18:17] It shows he's paying attention

[1:18:18] And it means I feel like I have kind of a connection with him

[1:18:21] Because I'm, as mentioned to myself, from Cincinnati

[1:18:24] And I like Cincinnati

Dan McCoy

[1:18:25] Oh, I just forgot to do my normal local pandering

[1:18:29] Even though I had, today, a burrito as big as the Coit Tower

[1:18:33] Classic Dan

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:36] Alright

Jordan Morris

[1:18:37] Maximumfun.org

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:40] Comedy and culture

[1:18:41] Artist owned

Jordan Morris

[1:18:42] Listener supported

Ep. #264 - The Emoji Movie LIVE

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