Ep. #273 - The Humanity Bureau

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss The Humanity Bureau, starring Nicholas K-K-K-Kage!

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] Oh, man, it's been a long time, Dan. It's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] And over here, Elliot Kalin, confirming that, yes, for us, it has been a long time.

[0:45] Even though, for you listeners, it's only been the regular two weeks since an episode.

[0:48] All right, well, I guess that's a peek behind the curtain.

[0:52] People needed to know how long it was since we were all talking.

[0:54] In actuality, that's not the case, because last week we recorded a Max Fund Donors Only bonus episode,

[0:59] So it's actually been less time than usual between recordings for us.

[1:01] Exactly.

[1:03] Now, you're probably wondering why I haven't said Max Fun Boner's Only Donus episode.

[1:09] And that's because I guess I just did.

[1:12] Okay.

[1:13] Okay.

[1:14] You're a rascal.

[1:15] Asked and answered, I suppose.

[1:16] So what do we do on this here Flophouse?

[1:21] That's what I was going to ask.

[1:22] Dan, what do we do on this here Flophouse?

[1:23] Well, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:27] And boy, howdy.

[1:28] What time of year is it?

[1:29] What time of year is it, Tiny Elliot?

[1:31] Is this, well, hold on a second.

[1:33] Now, I'm assuming Tiny Elliot is a reference to the Nicolas Cage character Tiny Elvis from SNL.

[1:40] Not just the fact that I'm a shorter than average human being.

[1:42] Or Tiny Tim also.

[1:45] Tiny Tim, the Nicolas Cage character from A Cage Miss Carol.

[1:49] Hey, wait a minute.

[1:50] It's Cage Miss.

[1:51] That's right.

[1:51] It's that special time at the end of the year when we celebrate the recent works of our patron saint, St. Nicholas, Nicholas Cage that is, the greatest actor in the world who makes the worst choices in the world.

[2:03] Often, yeah, often.

[2:05] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[2:07] He often makes the worst choices.

[2:09] And we're not just talking about his choice of property or, I don't know, hairstyle.

[2:15] we're not talking about his choice to overstretch his finances by buying castles and a smuggled

[2:21] mongolian tyrannosaurus skull we're talking about his choice in roles because here's the thing guys

[2:25] let me lay it with you let me let me just be honest here i do really think nicholas cage is

[2:30] one of the best actors ever but he's not always in the best roles but maybe today will be a little

[2:36] different dan what movie did we watch today as if it wasn't already announced at the top of the show

[2:40] we watched the humanity bureau now you probably have never heard of this movie

[2:45] uh talk i mean that's the slim pickens this year when it comes to nicholas cage

[2:50] how great would it be if nicholas cage did a movie that was a biopic of slim pickens i would love

[2:56] that that'd be amazing so yeah we so the last like year or so nicholas cage has made uh like

[3:04] a couple of indie hits yeah uh mandy and mom and dad are both really great and he so we had to hop

[3:12] over to the old internet movie database and see what movies he's turned out that aren't those two

[3:18] movies yeah what what the ones he pooped out in private pooped out in private that's that's the

[3:26] name of the uh the criterion eclipse collection of these nicholas cage movies is nicholas cage

[3:30] pooped out in private now uh so so often so nicholas cage we it used to be that there were

[3:38] glorious riches of bad nicholas cage movies now there's still plenty of them but they're not as

[3:42] high profile yeah and this is perhaps the lowest profile nicholas cage movie we've ever done

[3:47] and that's including i think i remember i remember when i was a boy when i was a boy guys i can you

[3:53] you could just stroll through the fields and there'd be there'd be nicholas cage movies all

[3:58] over the ground and you could just pick them up and eat them right there yeah but then climate

[4:04] change and nicholas cage movie uh swarms have been dropping in population very drastically and it's

[4:10] an important part of the bad movie ecosystem so guys let's do everything we can to reuse nicholas

[4:15] cage movies recycle nicholas cage movies and the other one the other re for conservation that i

[4:22] don't remember reduce reduce no we don't want to reduce nicholas cage you know that's the opposite

[4:28] reduce non-nicholas cage movies thank you but yeah i i feel like we we we grew up during a golden age

[4:35] when nicholas cage was making good movies in theaters and also his bad movies were released

[4:39] in theaters and now his bad movies uh are mostly low budget things that he needs the work uh to put

[4:46] it to put it uh uh to coin a phrase that's never been said before these are the movies he kind of

[4:50] pooped out in private yeah that's a new phrase i just invented uh-huh yeah so dan how did you hear

[4:57] about this movie the humanity bureau because i had never heard of it until we start or stewart

[5:00] were you the one who brought it up you brought it up right i mean i told you the same thing but i

[5:04] looked at imdb and i'm like what movies which one has the dumbest name okay let's pick that one now

[5:10] is this a sequel to the adjustment bureau or perhaps perhaps a prequel or squeakwell to the

[5:15] adjustment bureau another i don't know i've i've never seen the adjustment bureau so i can't tell

[5:19] I think it's a movie about people wearing hats, from what I could tell.

[5:22] Yeah, it's about the band Men Without Hats before they lost their hats.

[5:27] Is that why they're called that?

[5:30] Yeah, I think so.

[5:31] Because they were always known for their hats before that.

[5:35] Yeah, yeah.

[5:35] It's the basis for John Claston's hit children's book, I Want My Hat Back.

[5:40] That's one for all the parents in the audience.

[5:42] They wanted to differentiate that band from the band The Men,

[5:46] and they had to specify

[5:47] because the men apparently always wear hats.

[5:50] Oh, whatever.

[5:50] Anyway, so...

[5:51] I have a rich vein.

[5:52] So the Humanity Bureau falls under the heading

[5:57] of dystopia movies,

[5:59] and it also falls under the heading

[6:01] of worst driving CGI I've ever seen

[6:05] in a feature film.

[6:06] The bad driving CGI set up an expectation

[6:10] that this movie was not prepared to follow through on

[6:13] because I was laughing out loud

[6:15] at the first scene i'm like this is gonna be great and then the rest of the movie was just

[6:19] a slide into disappointment yeah but the bat yeah they're they're it's like he's driving through a

[6:25] video game it's i want to uh i want to just give a quick mention of warning to uh flophouse listener

[6:33] and special effects expert todd vaziri todd we're going to be talking about bad cgi on this one

[6:38] so get ready to defend cgi effects on twitter that's what he does sometimes i figured that uh

[6:44] I figure that any moment after that first scene, the camera would just pull back and you would see that it's on the set of Saturday Night Live.

[6:50] Yeah, I mean, there are times when I was like, oh, he's just sitting in a fake car in front of a TV at an amusement park or something.

[7:00] Yeah, I texted a friend and I was like, there are rear screen projection effects in Alfred Hitchcock movies that look better than this.

[7:09] And he also does the classic thing of moving the steering wheel way too much.

[7:14] He'll be driving down a straight road and he's constantly swerving the wheel as if I guess he's trying to avoid Koopa shells in the road that banana peels that Wario threw in his path.

[7:23] Yeah.

[7:24] I mean, Wario's a fucking awesome asshole.

[7:26] Now, what's your feeling about Waluigi?

[7:29] I mean, obviously, I feel positive about Waluigi.

[7:33] But, you know.

[7:34] Is that obvious?

[7:36] I mean, it's obvious.

[7:38] He's Waluigi.

[7:41] But, I mean, I feel like Wario was my, like, first and greatest love.

[7:46] So, you know, I'm going to go with Wario on this one.

[7:49] Small business owner Wario.

[7:50] Okay, guys, so should we talk about what this movie is about?

[7:55] Yeah, I suppose so.

[7:57] It's not just about watching Nicolas Cage pretend to drive poorly in front of a very bad special effect.

[8:03] Can I just say, before we start, this is possibly the most rote story that I have ever seen on the Flophouse.

[8:11] Yeah, someone wrote it, Dan.

[8:13] I think that's the hundredth time I've done that joke on the Flophouse.

[8:16] Confetti, confetti, confetti, confetti.

[8:19] Parade, parade, Mardi Gras, Mardi Gras, body blow, body blow, knockout.

[8:24] Wow.

[8:24] I'm impressed that you set up all that confetti ahead of time to fall on you.

[8:27] Yeah, now I've got to clean it up.

[8:29] Well, the 80th time I did that joke, I was like, I got to get ready for number 100 because it's going to happen.

[8:35] There's a time when Dan's going to say it again and I'm going to say it again.

[8:38] It's going to be the 100th time and then I'm going to get a free Toys R Us shopping spree just like on Nickelodeon.

[8:44] Okay.

[8:44] I don't know who's sponsoring you, but that's great.

[8:47] He said Nickelodeon, dude.

[8:50] Nickelodeon's doing it, right?

[8:51] They still make stuff, right?

[8:53] That's a channel.

[8:54] I mean, not the television channel.

[8:54] It is a channel.

[8:55] Not the television channel Nickelodeon, but an actual old-timey movie theater that charges at Nickelodeon to watch that train get into the station.

[9:02] Sure.

[9:03] Well, Elliot's recommendations keeps driving them into our theater.

[9:08] But, Dan, what were you going to say?

[9:11] It's a rote movie?

[9:11] Yeah, it's just the most basic dystopia.

[9:15] Is that because somebody wrote it?

[9:17] Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-boom!

[9:19] 101 Dalmatians.

[9:21] Okay.

[9:25] There wasn't much more to what I was going to say.

[9:27] No, no, it's a very by-the-numbers, soulless, very bland and dull dystopia.

[9:33] And a lot of – look, a lot of filmmakers, they don't have a lot of money in the budget for special effects, not even realistic car-driving effects.

[9:41] They don't have a big cast, and they make up for it with, I guess, the most valuable and yet cheapest effect of all, which is –

[9:47] What's that?

[9:48] Imagination.

[9:49] Oh, okay.

[9:51] Which is the ability to –

[9:51] Have you been talking to Vin Diesel again?

[9:53] Yeah, the ability to come up with concepts or ideas or even dialogue or scenes or characters that we've never seen before and really blow us away.

[10:01] The creators of the Humanity Bureau decided not to go that route, and instead they would go the opposite route of just kind of doing what other people have done before, and we'll talk about that.

[10:11] So the Humanity Bureau, we open on text.

[10:15] Oh, boy.

[10:15] Everyone's favorite thing to open on.

[10:17] Is there – how many good movies are there that open on text?

[10:20] Is it just the Star Wars movies?

[10:23] uh uh wait no texas chainsaw massacre i guess also opens on text uh conan the barbarian okay

[10:32] conan the barbarian okay uh has there been a good movie in the past like 10 years that opened on

[10:36] text again barring star wars movies probably not well flop house listeners write on in if you got

[10:45] an idea send it to text at the flop house.com it's not a real email address so maybe just write

[10:52] into the regular email address yeah i mean and that's barring like we're not talking about like

[10:57] credits we're talking about descriptive text yeah explanatory text i mean most movies start with

[11:02] credits and many of them are very good okay but the text tells us that in the in the near future

[11:08] the climate collapsed and that caused society to collapse and america has walled off its cities

[11:14] and created the humanity bureau whose job is to relocate people who are considered burdens on

[11:19] society that's right we're living in one of those post-collapse dystopias that somehow both i guess

[11:26] like very socialist and very like libertarian conservative it's a movie that feels like it's

[11:34] political but it actually does not have any political ideas in its head cut to nevada

[11:39] nicholas cage our hero agent noah cross of the humanity bureau and let's talk about that name

[11:44] noah cross that's a that's a real name now that's it's fucking awesome that's what it is yeah but

[11:49] That's the name of the villain in Chinatown is Noah Cross.

[11:51] Really?

[11:52] Is he a vampire?

[11:54] You're saying it's the same character?

[11:57] Yeah, probably.

[11:59] By vampire, I mean like that's the name of a day walker who hunts down other vampires.

[12:04] I mean, it's pretty clear.

[12:05] And he has some kind of Krull-like thrown blade weapon.

[12:08] Yeah, of course.

[12:09] Sure.

[12:10] Perhaps.

[12:11] So is that what the Kruller is named after?

[12:13] Because it's shaped kind of like Krull's blade weapon?

[12:15] I can only assume so, yeah.

[12:17] Yeah, okay.

[12:18] That's fair.

[12:18] What about a bear claw?

[12:19] In original commercials for crullers, they had guys throwing crullers into people's mouths.

[12:28] Was it a tie-in with Krull?

[12:30] Was that the thing?

[12:31] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[12:31] They got Liam Neeson for the commercials.

[12:33] Wow, really?

[12:34] Because he plays the thief character in that movie.

[12:37] That reminds me of when Darkman came out and they introduced darkness and rooms without lights turned on.

[12:42] And he was like having trouble sleeping with the lights on.

[12:46] Well, there's something new in town.

[12:48] And they'd turn the lights off, and it was the first time I ever saw a room with no lights on.

[12:51] And it's funny that people don't realize that darkness came as a tie-in with Darkman.

[12:55] It didn't exist before that.

[12:56] Yeah, I remember that commercial.

[12:57] It played during Saturday morning cartoons, and a couple of kids see Durant standing in the doorway, and they're like, oh, no, it's Durant.

[13:03] And then they turn off the light, and they're like, he's gone.

[13:05] Thanks, darkness.

[13:07] We all remember those commercials.

[13:09] Anyway, I wanted to be one of those kids so bad.

[13:11] Anyway, so we're in Nevada.

[13:13] Nicholas Cage, Agent Noah Cross.

[13:15] He's driving terrible green screen behind his car.

[13:18] Get used to it because it's going to be the best character in the whole movie is the bad green screen.

[13:21] And he's got a hologram iPad, my other favorite character, which seems to be, if anything, less efficient than a normal iPad.

[13:28] It seems like he has to do a lot more extra work to get it to work and tell him things.

[13:32] But it's also one of those movies where it's like we got to show this to the future.

[13:36] He's got an iPad that he can talk to and it talks back to him.

[13:39] But that technology already exists in the modern world.

[13:43] So we'll have a little hologram floating above it all the time.

[13:45] And that'll, I assume, really drain the battery power.

[13:49] I feel like companies would only create hologram cell phones

[13:56] if they really want to cut down on people sending dick pics

[14:00] and people surfing porno sites on their phone.

[14:03] Because it projects it above the phone?

[14:05] Yeah, because everyone would see that person lazily scrolling through porno.

[14:09] They don't have to be doing it lazily.

[14:12] Maybe they're doing it with a purpose.

[14:13] I mean, I think I'm instilling a little bit of my own personal life into this, Jim.

[14:18] And also, these holograms look like holograms.

[14:21] I mean, they look like Princess Leia being projected out of R2-D2.

[14:25] So, like, the porn that you would see on it would not be that, like, the resolution would be pretty low is what I'm saying.

[14:32] It's not the optimum way to.

[14:33] When people look at porn on the internet, the thing they're first worried about is, is this 4K?

[14:37] Yeah, they're like, is this Blu-ray quality?

[14:40] In HD, I won't look at it if it's not.

[14:42] Is this bootleg stream of a porn video in the best possible visual quality?

[14:49] Is this 3D TV?

[14:51] I can't get off to standard definition anymore.

[14:54] I'm sorry.

[14:55] You need to see pores.

[14:56] Yeah, exactly.

[14:57] Now, speaking of seeing pores, there's a lot of poor people in this movie that have to be relocated by the Humanity Bureau.

[15:06] So let's get back to it.

[15:07] So Nicolas Cage is also driving.

[15:09] It's an old kind of like what, like muscle car type car, but clearly –

[15:13] It's an El Camino.

[15:13] It's an El Camino, but he's had it retrofitted somehow.

[15:16] They mention at some point that they haven't made new cars in 30 years or something.

[15:20] They're constantly like upping the ante of what things are not around in the future because they're like they haven't built new cars in a long time.

[15:26] And later it's like here's a can of coffee, very rare, hard to get.

[15:29] And then later on someone's like we're going up to a lake, and someone's like they don't have lakes anymore.

[15:33] Well, there's a moment where, yeah, they talk about how rare coffee is.

[15:38] And then later on, you see a guy drinking a takeout cup of coffee.

[15:41] There's a part later on where Nicolas Cage has to trade his expensive watch for a can of beans.

[15:48] And it's like, OK, hold on a second.

[15:50] Just how bad is everything that's going on?

[15:53] Because we also see later that he has a Monet in his apartment.

[15:56] Like this is Last Man on Earth and like Will Forte, he's just been walking around the world stealing treasures.

[16:00] But OK, he goes to a motel where they're selling unlicensed pure water, which is not OK to do.

[16:08] And he sees this old – yeah.

[16:10] And that unlicensed pure water is clearly an Evian bottle with the label removed.

[16:17] And while on one hand – yeah, yeah, yeah.

[16:19] On one hand, I like that detail that they have to scrounge for that sort of thing.

[16:25] But most likely it was just a lazy prop choice.

[16:27] Yeah, as lazy as a Pornhub browser.

[16:31] Yep.

[16:33] Something that made me think of before when you said lazily scanning through, it was like a Goofus and Gallant for adults where it's like Goofus lazily browses through Pornhub.

[16:42] Gallant has a specific fetish that he's searching for.

[16:45] So Nicolas Cage has a meeting with an old man who is appealing the decision for him to be relocated to New Eden.

[16:55] New Eden is where they send all the people who cannot support themselves financially.

[16:58] Now, they're told it's a place where everyone gets everything they want and it's all candy and elves and comic books and all that stuff.

[17:05] But, you know, he says he knows the truth and it's like, yeah, of course, it's a place where they kill people.

[17:10] Like, what else is it going to be?

[17:11] Like, from the first moment, I mean, I wasn't sure if the audience was ever supposed to believe that New Eden is a good place.

[17:18] Nicolas Cage seems to think so.

[17:19] Every other character in the movie seems to be totally aware that it is a place where they kill people who go there.

[17:24] Yeah, I mean, I assumed right off the bat that it was going to be a place where they kill people and turn them into food, and New Eden was going to be a pun for New Eaton.

[17:32] Stuart, that is so much more imagination and wit than anyone put into this movie.

[17:37] Because as we see later, we'll get to it, the people who get killed in New Eden just get turned into ashes, which are then packed into boxes to be used when you want to threaten somebody who works for you.

[17:48] So the old man is like, I don't want to go there, but it's a crime not to be a productive citizen.

[17:53] It's never really explained what productivity is since everyone in the movie is either a non-productive burden who's running from the government or a government agent.

[18:01] There's nobody in between.

[18:02] And so this turns into a gunfight.

[18:05] The old man pulls a gun on Nicolas Cage.

[18:07] Nicolas Cage, our hero, we're introduced to him shooting and killing an old man.

[18:10] I'm just going to go get some receipts from underneath my mattress in here.

[18:14] Nicolas Cage has to audit their finances, and he's looking through papers that look like they're from the gold rush era.

[18:21] It's like they put, guys, you did not have to use a match and coffee to stain and burn these documents to make them look like pirate maps.

[18:28] They can just look like old receipts.

[18:29] And I love that the establishing shot for this guy's rundown apartment is, which they use a couple times, is always a close-up shot of a plate with old food on it covered in mealworms.

[18:40] Yeah, because they all live in a Cenobite Hellraiser world, I guess.

[18:45] Now, I think we were speaking over you when you're making this point, Elliot, but it struck me that, yes, like our introduction to our hero is him shooting a destitute old man.

[18:55] Yeah, and I mean we're – he's a guy who's working for bad people.

[19:00] We know that.

[19:01] But it is a very unsympathetic way to be introduced to Nicolas Cage.

[19:04] At the very least, make the person that he's going after a threat in some way so that we see a sense of Nicolas Cage's skills.

[19:11] I mean, he totally blasts the hotel guy with a shotgun before Nicolas Cage shoots him.

[19:16] That's true.

[19:17] That guy's on a rampage.

[19:17] The way this scene works out is he goes, let me get these other papers.

[19:20] He closes the door.

[19:21] He gets a shotgun, and he blasts it through the door, I guess using his Matt Murdock Daredevil radar sense to know where Nicolas Cage is.

[19:28] He opens the door.

[19:29] Nicolas Cage is gone.

[19:31] And it turns out Nicolas Cage has the amazing skill of moving out of the way of doors when there might be a shotgun blast behind it.

[19:37] And then the hotel owner walks in, the old man kills him, and then Nicolas Cage shoots and kills the old man.

[19:41] And we learn the old man was once the governor of Colorado and had dinner at the White House with President Donald Trump in a –

[19:48] Oh, wow, how the mighty have fallen.

[19:50] Oh, boy, very much so.

[19:52] Donald Trump, we must assume, is wearing some kind of sackcloth and eating ashes in the desert as penance of some kind.

[20:00] We can only imagine because the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

[20:03] He's a pretty big guy.

[20:04] I'm not trying to size shame him.

[20:06] He's taller than me.

[20:07] He's just kind of like there's like an elephantine quality about Donald Trump.

[20:10] But anyway, we don't need to get into that because this is way in the future when that's all over.

[20:13] So I can only assume that Nicolas Cage was behind the couch because he was looking for more receipts and then was surprised when shotguns started flaming.

[20:22] I think so.

[20:23] And as – look.

[20:25] Well, I don't know.

[20:28] I was going to try to quote a – that Carole Kane song about you can't talk to a man with a shotgun in his hand.

[20:33] But then I briefly forgot the lyrics, so forget about that.

[20:35] Okay, guys, Nicolas Cage, as a result of his just top work shooting this old man, is getting a promotion, and he talks to this bald guy in his apartment who I can't tell if it's his boss or his partner or just another coworker.

[20:48] Their relationship seems to be kind of fluid, but Nicolas Cage, he sympathizes too much with the unproductive.

[20:55] He doesn't want to move them, and as he says to this bald man whose name I think is Adam, but I wasn't really sure.

[21:00] I thought it was like Ben Westinghouse.

[21:02] Oh, that could be it.

[21:04] Named after his family owns the patent on the refrigerators.

[21:08] That's why he was able to survive and become a federal agent.

[21:11] So Bald Man is right off the top.

[21:13] You can tell he's going to be the bad guy.

[21:14] And that's why I'm going to spin him off into the movie Bald Man and then I can have the sequel Bald Man versus Dark Man where they finally fight.

[21:22] These two characters we wanted to see in conflict for so long.

[21:24] Dark Man, who has the power of fake faces, and Bald Man, who has the power of blinding you when light shines off of his dome.

[21:31] And that's the enemy of darkness.

[21:33] And we often think of darkness as bad, but in this case it's good because Darkman, he hides in the shadows for justice.

[21:39] And Baldman, he shines the light of injustice in your eyes to blind you.

[21:43] I mean the Darkness comic book is bad, but the Darkness band is pretty good.

[21:48] So I mean it's balanced out.

[21:50] And Blinded by the Light is a different song that people don't realize is a Bruce Springsteen song, but it is.

[21:55] There's almost no plot in this film, but we've spent 20 minutes talking about the first five minutes.

[22:00] OK. So Nicolas Cage mentions that he's seen children drink their own piss. I guess he was watching Waterworld Babies starring little Kev Costner. And Nicolas Cage remembers the good old days when he was a kid and his mom used to take him to a lake and teach him fly fishing and he is using a fly fishing rod in his apartment and hooks it onto the Monet on his wall, which who cares? Society has collapsed. Who cares about how valuable a Monet is anymore?

[22:25] okay nicholas he goes to his next next humanity that needs bureauizing that's a mom named rachel

[22:31] and her son lucas and rachel has dressed lucas up in new shoes who that don't fit to make it

[22:36] look like he is they're they're successful nicholas cage goes through their papers which

[22:40] is fucking crazy because later on this kid is climbing all over a roof wearing a brand new

[22:45] pair of timberlands man like what yeah why you put him in those shitty dress shoes man those

[22:50] tims look awesome uh nicholas cage he tells them they're gonna have to relocate and rachel slaps

[22:56] him but then lucas is climbing up on that roof putting a bird back in a nest that he keeps on

[23:01] a chimney i couldn't quite understand what what was going on i guess there's a bird that lives

[23:05] in a nest on a chimney on the house there's apparently enough food for this bird to get by

[23:09] so why don't they just let the bird tell them how to not be a burden on society because bird

[23:13] you can't tell burden without bird right dan uh well not those exact letters but yes close enough

[23:20] though right yeah all right i guess so now i'm a little confused about the the timeline here

[23:25] because i feel like well dan this is the future all right and that's why and that's why wait we're

[23:30] in the future no no no we're in every moment we're in the future from the moment before well that's

[23:35] true day uh there was a scientist i believe who once said i think it was uh his postulate that

[23:40] time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future okay and also do do do do do so that

[23:46] Applies to this situation.

[23:47] But, Dan, what did you not understand about the timeline?

[23:48] Now, I may have—

[23:50] It goes like this.

[23:52] Creation of the universe, single-celled organisms, plants, amphibians, reptiles, mammals, people.

[23:57] Okay.

[23:58] Then question mark, question mark, question mark, like an Evite where you don't know how late the party's going to go.

[24:02] And then Morlocks and Eli.

[24:04] Yeah, Eli.

[24:06] Just a guy named Eli and his Morlocks.

[24:08] El, El, Eloi.

[24:11] I don't know how the fuck—

[24:11] I would have said Eloi, but you know what?

[24:13] Maybe I'm wrong.

[24:15] So I may have misunderstood things because I was frankly not paying full attention to the movie.

[24:21] But I feel like later on, don't we learn that by this time he has learned the shocking truth of New Eden?

[24:27] Like he learns it in between?

[24:28] No, not yet.

[24:30] Not yet.

[24:31] Okay.

[24:31] That is about to happen.

[24:34] Anyway, Nicolas Cage saves this boy by giving him CPR, which I guess heals the broken leg that he got from falling off a roof.

[24:39] And Nicolas Cage, this is the weirdest part of the movie for me.

[24:43] He's hanging out in their one-room house while the mom gives Lucas, who is 11 years old, a bath in a big metal tub.

[24:49] And it's like, one, it's kind of weird for her to still be giving him a bath.

[24:53] He is almost an adolescent.

[24:55] And two, it's even weirder that Nicolas Cage is watching this mom give this kid a bath.

[25:00] The whole situation is weird.

[25:02] And you know what?

[25:04] Family togetherness.

[25:05] The family that bathes together stays together.

[25:08] But I think it's still weird.

[25:10] Like when my son's 11, you better believe I'm not going to be washing him in a big tub, and you better damn well believe Nicolas Cage is not welcome to watch my 11-year-old son wash himself.

[25:19] Oh, come on.

[25:21] He's Nicolas Cage.

[25:21] Yeah, I'm going to stick with – I'm going to side with Dan on this one.

[25:24] Okay.

[25:25] I outvoted.

[25:25] Nick, when my son's 11, come on by and watch him take a bath.

[25:29] The jury has spoken.

[25:30] This is around the time where Nicolas Cage turns to the woman and he's like, why do you want to stay here?

[25:36] And I think it's pretty clear.

[25:38] They have this big-ass house with a ton of stuff in it.

[25:41] Like, they have a whole fucking display of commemorative spoons.

[25:44] Like, if they're so poor, how do they have all this stuff?

[25:50] Are there stores still?

[25:51] Why do you sell those spoons?

[25:52] Who's the set dresser for this movie who's like,

[25:55] well, we could make it look post-apocalyptic,

[25:57] or we could just use my friend's house.

[25:59] Now, let's just say right now we are not falling into the Fox News trap

[26:03] of saying, how can you be poor if you have stuff?

[26:05] Because poor people have TVs and refrigerators.

[26:08] They can't be that poor.

[26:08] Don't give them welfare.

[26:09] But it is true that they are supposed to be so destitute that the government wants to relocate them to a death camp, and yet they've got so many – I mean I don't know where she got those new shoes.

[26:19] There should have had a line about like I had to trade my eggs for those shoes or something like that.

[26:24] They really don't seem to be in that bad a shape, but maybe the standards in the future are just so high because the rich don't want to share.

[26:32] Yeah, and the idea of, like, it doesn't feel like there's a Walmart down the street that they're just going to to buy their stuff.

[26:39] Oh, no, they live in a blasted wasteland.

[26:41] They live on a dune.

[26:42] And they have, like, four different cookie jars on their counter.

[26:45] That's true.

[26:46] This feels like a world that doesn't have cookies.

[26:49] There's a scene later where the bad guy needs something that he saw get put in a cookie jar, but he's tied up and he's telling somebody, it's in the cookie jar.

[26:57] No, the other cookie jar.

[26:59] And it's like, yeah, good point.

[27:00] Why does this family have so many decorative cookie jars?

[27:02] Okay, so Nicolas Cage, he feels sympathy for this boy that he's watching get a bath, and he calls in, and he remembers fishing with his mom, and he calls in and says, let's delay their deportation.

[27:14] I'm going to look into the case.

[27:15] Baldy does not like that.

[27:17] He's already suspicious of Nicolas Cage.

[27:18] Now he's double suspicious.

[27:20] Nicolas Cage goes back to the big city, and he follows the clue that he got from the old man, which leads him to meet this kind of rebel guy in an elevator.

[27:29] and the rebel gives him a micro like a data chip that tells him the truth about new eden now we

[27:35] don't get to see it but it's pretty clear that he's learning that they just kill the people that

[27:38] go to new what so what about this old man with a shotgun at the beginning made like nothing about

[27:45] him he's so close to being part of a resistance he's so close to being a hobo with a shotgun

[27:49] but not quite there um yeah there's no there's nothing that would make me believe that this

[27:55] guy is part of a complicated resistance movement he just seems like a poor old man down on his luck

[28:01] but maybe that's all an act it could be a cover story although this seems to fall into the v for

[28:05] vendetta trap of everyone in the movie is either a fascist or a rebel and there's no regular people

[28:12] in between the way how in v for vendetta everyone openly disparages the fascist totalitarian

[28:17] government seemingly without punishment and yet no one they never no one ever puts two and two

[28:23] together and it's like oh there's like four people who run the whole government and they have three

[28:27] policemen who work for them maybe we should just go and fire them and just take over but uh it's

[28:32] kind of like that everyone in the movie is either a bad guy or a rebel with nothing in between some

[28:36] of them are even rebel rebels which is like we'll get to that later yeah exactly but and none of

[28:42] them of course are robble robble which is what the hamburger says oh god yeah he died long ago

[28:47] what if there was a scene where they like found the hamburglar's bones clutching what was left

[28:53] of a hammer i love that would be very strange that's the answer to your what if i guess that's

[29:01] true you would go what my i'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic stories where they stumble upon

[29:06] vestiges of civilization that they don't recognize but that we recognize like like uh like tom petty

[29:11] in the postman movie yeah basically yeah or like the end of uh i mean he recognizes the statue of

[29:17] liberty but the end of the plan of the apes or like say there there's uh there's all these movies

[29:21] where, or books more, where people

[29:23] are wandering through a post-apocalyptic world and they'll come

[29:25] across like the ruins of a New York

[29:27] landmark and the characters don't know what it is

[29:29] but you know what it is. I love that stuff. So maybe they just find

[29:31] someone in a Hamburglar costume.

[29:32] They come across the radioactive

[29:35] what's left of a McDonald's

[29:37] play place and they go, huh.

[29:38] They come upon

[29:40] the feet of an

[29:43] Azar's big boy statue and

[29:45] the plaque reads

[29:47] yeah, gives upon my big boy

[29:49] in despair. They find

[29:51] to the statues of the mcdonalds and they see mayor mccheese and they go ah this was their leader

[29:54] uh probably a war chief and then they see grimace they go and this was their god interesting uh

[30:01] okay so nicholas i mean mayor mccheese is a fucking puppet right we can all agree oh yeah

[30:07] he's a puppet for ronald mcdonald ronald's in charge considering ronald's the richest man in

[30:11] his town and it's named after him i think the fact that it's called mcdonald land and not

[30:15] the people's republic of burgersvania or something like that yeah yeah yeah ron mcdonald's very much

[30:21] the hands behind the puppet and the uh the man behind the throne now here's the thing who's the

[30:27] rebel in this scenario is it the bird with the flight cap or is it birdie or really you know

[30:32] what is it hamburglar is he the rebel it's pretty clear and that's what he's saying rebel rebel not

[30:37] rabble rabble you know what guys forget what i said he is a rebel he's the best of them all

[30:40] So Hamburglar, someday you'll be a hero, but not today.

[30:43] And there's going to be that moment where Hamburglar gives his life to remove the bomb from Gotham City, and they put a statue of him in town hall, and then his butler finds him alive in Italy.

[30:55] And at no point does he go to Gotham and be like, oh, you can take that statue down.

[30:59] He's fine.

[31:00] Wait, do you think that's his responsibility to be like –

[31:04] He should do that?

[31:05] If you see something, say something, Dan.

[31:07] He saw a living Bruce Wayne.

[31:08] Say something.

[31:09] Take down that boondoggle of a bat statue.

[31:11] Just because he didn't die, he doesn't deserve recognition for saving Gotham?

[31:17] You know, because this opens up a world where Christian Bale decides to dress up as Batman,

[31:21] go over to Gotham, and just step in front of the statue and start selling his autograph

[31:26] and taking pictures in front of it.

[31:27] And that's not cool.

[31:28] Okay.

[31:29] Okay, so Nicolas Cage, he goes to Lucas's recital.

[31:33] The official cover story is, I delayed their deportation so he could go to his recital

[31:37] at school that he's been training for.

[31:38] And Lucas' part is to literally recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and everyone applauds him as if that's difficult, as if millions of children don't do that every day.

[31:47] It is very stupid.

[31:49] This movie is very heavy-handed with its, like, America stuff.

[31:52] People are like, this was supposed to be the United States of America.

[31:55] Look what happened, that kind of stuff.

[31:57] Nicolas Cage gives Rachel a can of coffee, very rare.

[32:00] The next morning, Nicolas Cage, having stayed the night, but as a gentleman, he sleeps in his car.

[32:05] He does not take –

[32:07] I feel like this is a movie where cars are the only place people sleep.

[32:11] Or car-shaped beds.

[32:14] Yeah.

[32:15] Or bed-shaped like – or cars-shaped – wait.

[32:19] Yeah, car-shaped bed.

[32:21] For a minute I thought I said a car shaped like a bed, which would be crazy.

[32:25] It would be crazy because they haven't made new cars in years.

[32:28] Exactly, yeah.

[32:29] So it's just a bed on wheels, I guess.

[32:31] Yeah.

[32:33] Which I guess is how the grandparents in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory would get around, just to bet on wheels.

[32:39] Yep, when they participate in wacky races.

[32:42] What a crossover.

[32:46] Finally, the worlds of Hanna-Barbera and Roald Dahl have combined.

[32:50] Okay, so the next morning, Baldy shows up.

[32:54] There's a big fight.

[32:55] Lucas shoots him in the eye with a BB gun or a rifle or something and knocks his eye right out of his head.

[33:00] It leads to a very lackluster fist fight.

[33:02] And Rachel holds up Nicolas Cage's gun and shows she is totally incapable of handling it as she just shoots the walls up, loses control of it, and they escape just as the other Humanity Bureau agents arrive.

[33:12] Now, next we get to my favorite little detail in the movie, which is that they have handcuffed Baldy, and he has to tell his sidekick Porter, give him the key, which is hidden in the aforementioned cookie jars.

[33:24] And they have – I don't know if – so they must have done this as a little bit of frontier medicine.

[33:28] They have duct taped a piece of bread over his over his empty eye socket, I guess, because

[33:33] they don't have bandages in the future, but they do have bread.

[33:35] And it's such a weird because the whole point is they don't have bread, right?

[33:39] I guess that was maybe it's really moldy.

[33:41] I don't know.

[33:42] But it is such a funny visual.

[33:44] And it's the one movie where the one moment where it turns into like a Fury Road delicatessen

[33:48] Terry Gilliam type movie is just like, yep, that's what they use for bandages in the future.

[33:52] Just little pieces of bread duct taped to your face.

[33:56] Partially eaten bread.

[33:58] nothing's better to put on an open wound such as a missing eye

[34:02] than a little piece of partially eaten bread.

[34:05] Yeah, I love it.

[34:07] It is such a weird scene.

[34:08] It's like he has bread taped to his face,

[34:10] and he's telling his assistant, no, the other cookie jar,

[34:13] and you're like, this is supposed to be funny, I assume, right?

[34:16] Yeah.

[34:16] And then I think we cut to Westinghouse walking down an austere hallway

[34:21] back at the Humanity Bureau,

[34:23] and he's passing a janitor's cart

[34:26] and picks up a paint scraper that's just sitting there

[34:29] and uses it as a mirror to check out his new eyepatch,

[34:33] which is crazy.

[34:34] Like, wouldn't he just go to his office to do that?

[34:36] Or the bathroom.

[34:38] Do they not have bathrooms in the future with mirrors?

[34:40] Now, he is meeting with his superiors in a wet parking lot

[34:45] because I don't think they had access to conference rooms

[34:48] at that particular building when they were shooting it.

[34:49] And they tell him that he has to stop cross

[34:54] because they have to preserve the illusion of New Eden.

[34:56] And he shows them – the bad guy superior shows them these boxes of ashes.

[35:00] And he pulls something out.

[35:02] This is an empty parking lot but for one pallet of boxes.

[35:06] Yes.

[35:06] And it's this box of ashes.

[35:09] And he pulls out and he goes, what do you think this is, a piece of bone, a tooth?

[35:12] And his assistant goes – maybe she's not his assistant.

[35:15] I just assumed because he is the one who's throwing the threats around,

[35:17] but maybe they are co-equals on this bad guy committee.

[35:20] She says, I think it's a child's tooth.

[35:22] And he goes, yeah, a child's tooth.

[35:24] Anyway, you better stop him or you'll go to New Eden.

[35:26] And it was like, this movie is, that's a pretty crazy moment to be like, take a look at this kid's tooth.

[35:32] We killed this kid and burned him.

[35:34] The same thing will happen to you.

[35:35] And just playing off the fact that Nicolas Cage earlier was like, I've seen children drink their own piss.

[35:39] It's like, this movie really is hitting the child's card pretty hard.

[35:43] This is when the evil president also threatens Baldy by saying, Agent Noah Cross was your friend, a good friend, as good as friends get.

[35:53] and i don't think that's the case no they don't seem to like each other that's also not the way

[35:58] any person has ever talked in the history of the world i also don't know why like he has to have

[36:03] like this these props for show and tell like since everybody already knows what new eden is i mean

[36:08] because it makes it a cool scene dude and you know why because the tactile sensation of an object

[36:14] really can get a point across in a way that mere words don't always join me won't you in a little

[36:20] voyage into the world that i call proper communication hi i'm ellie calen would you

[36:26] like to be an effective communicator but for both business pleasure or combined i didn't sign up for

[36:31] this we all would and so the first rule of communication is object work use an object

[36:36] buy a master class online that i don't know about hit the back button hit the back button

[36:41] preferably a preferred objects include dead children's teeth cans of coffee or too many

[36:47] cookie jars now any of these can be used to get your point across lesson two tell a tale facts

[36:54] don't stick in the human mind but stories do we're a people that love stories stories like the

[36:58] humanity bureau in which in the next scene nicholas cage okay great he smashes his phone so they can't

[37:04] track him and he demands this is when our hero nicholas cage demands gasoline from a handicapped

[37:09] man at gunpoint handicapped man really like turns his opinion around on nicholas cage too like he

[37:16] He threatens this guy at gunpoint, like you say.

[37:18] And then as Nicolas Cage is leaving, he's like, are you a good family man?

[37:23] And Nicolas Cage is like, I try to be.

[37:25] And this creates a bond between them so strong that the gasoline man then

[37:31] crashes his truck into the pursuing bad guys.

[37:36] You guys are being mean to Brian, the owner of Brian's Gas or whatever.

[37:42] His name is written on the thing.

[37:44] No, I prefer gasoline, man.

[37:45] Brian carries around a crutch but never leans on it at all and uses it more as a prop, like Elliot was saying.

[37:52] He doesn't seem to need the crutch.

[37:54] The crutch seems to be there more as a conversation starter.

[37:57] But you would think, like, if he needed a crutch, maybe he could use it to lean over when he spits out his tobacco juice because most of the time he's just spitting it on himself.

[38:05] Yeah, that's the full character of this guy.

[38:07] He likes chewing tobacco.

[38:09] Here's the characters.

[38:10] Here's the four things about him.

[38:12] He owns a gas station.

[38:13] He pretends he needs a crutch.

[38:15] He likes to chew tobacco, and every line he says is so hilariously portentous.

[38:19] He goes – he shows Nicolas Cage all this extra gasoline.

[38:22] He goes, I was saving these for a rainy day.

[38:24] Something tells me a storm is coming.

[38:26] Like everything he says, everything he says, it seems like it was designed for the trailer.

[38:31] Like this actor was like, I'm going to be in the trailer for this movie.

[38:34] I'm going to rewrite all my dialogue so it's just like super ominous.

[38:37] And then he crashes his tow truck into a bad guy car.

[38:41] I assume giving his life.

[38:43] Yeah, the sad, lonely end of Brian the Gas Man.

[38:45] Now, he smashes his car into...

[38:49] You would hope that he would smash it into the lead car of the pursuers.

[38:52] But, in fact, he hits the second car, leading Westinghouse to look over his shoulder and say,

[38:58] What the hell?

[39:00] And that's it.

[39:01] That is the entirety of Brian's eulogy.

[39:04] That's what it says on his cenotaph.

[39:06] You'd think they would stop their car and be like, What is going on?

[39:09] But, in fact, what the hell?

[39:10] Let's just continue.

[39:12] Put it on his tombstone.

[39:13] Brian left the world as he entered it, making people go, what the hell?

[39:17] What is this?

[39:18] Who is this guy?

[39:19] Nicolas Cage bonds with Lucas over a lucky rabbit's foot that he gives to Lucas as a gift.

[39:24] And he says he plans to take them to the lake he used to go to as a kid, Jackfish Lake, which he has a postcard for.

[39:29] And Rachel doubted exists.

[39:30] And this is kind of one of those things where it's like I feel like we've seen this in other post-apocalyptic movies where someone has like a piece of memorabilia from a place that used to exist in the before times in the old world.

[39:41] and they're trying to get to it.

[39:42] I'm having trouble thinking of a specific example

[39:44] off the top of my head, but.

[39:45] Yeah, it looks like any location map

[39:47] in the Fallout series of games, basically.

[39:50] Yeah, there you go.

[39:50] And the, that kind of like fake postcard-y shit.

[39:53] And he's, I think he's bonding with him

[39:55] while sitting on the prow of what, like a rowboat

[39:58] that's on, like sitting in a, like an old dead lake.

[40:03] Like it's just desert.

[40:04] And yet there's a bunch of fish just lying around

[40:07] that look like they haven't been there that long.

[40:09] Maybe the lake dried up like a day ago.

[40:11] it's a movie that seems to not have put a lot of thought into uh how long in the future it's

[40:17] supposed to be like it's the everyone's like oh nobody remembers a world where there were lakes

[40:22] but they were like oh we better show this was a dried up lake so we'll put fish around not even

[40:26] like fish bones not even the band fish bone which would have been amazing to have them suddenly

[40:30] appear and put on a performance in the movie yeah they're great yeah who wouldn't love that

[40:34] okay uh baldy he threatens the rebel who told nicholas cage about new eden and he says i'm

[40:40] gonna kill your family and it's then it's like psych i already killed him and we never hear

[40:45] about those characters ever again uh nicholas cage gets stopped by a family of survivalists

[40:50] led by a german dad who has the another one of these hilarious lines he goes what is your

[40:54] business here a stranger and it's like all right is it medieval times all of a sudden

[40:58] well first i thought they're like getting into canada and i'm like this is an interesting take

[41:04] on a canadian accent well also like he feels the need to identify himself as german too

[41:10] like he actually says it explicitly and it's just like yeah dude we can hear you i don't understand

[41:15] it's almost like they were like people are going to wonder why he has this accent so we better just

[41:18] call it out ahead of time but it was unnecessary uh he tells them uh he gives them a root north

[41:23] and a geiger counter while lucas bonds with uh the guy's kids who are kind of what reavers or

[41:29] they're kind of like a raiding family it's one of the it's like yeah it's like rufio and the gang

[41:34] yeah or like uh uh what's that was that captain fantastic the vigo mortensen movie it's like

[41:39] yeah they're they're feral children who live out in the in the wild lands uh so baldy learns that

[41:46] rachel is living under an assumed name she stole the identity of her neighbor who's dead and he

[41:50] also shows off his exercise pool to his sidekick porter now this is what meant to show that baldy

[41:56] is so rich because he he's a you know a fascist government agent that he can afford to live in a

[42:02] place that has a swimming pool but there is but there was like and i don't know if i should bring

[42:07] it up there's an icky moment in there for me where he tastes like porter you should and porter is

[42:11] black and he goes porter you should get in he goes no i would drown and i'm like uh that's i mean are

[42:17] they not aware of the like there's a racist stereotype that black people can't swim and so

[42:21] that's like that's not cool movie like i mean you probably don't know you're playing into that but

[42:26] it's still a weird moment and i didn't like it and i thought this was a colorblind fascist

[42:30] totalitarian totalitarian dystopia and now and now i'm kind of weird gross it was like yeah you're

[42:36] you're on board before you're like sure new eden whatever get rid of the burden now look i'm a

[42:40] maker not a taker get these leeches off of me let's go galt everybody but uh it's but it's also

[42:46] like it shows i guess how unrealistic the movie is that when they pull out a child's dead tooth

[42:50] i was like eh but when they when they accidentally touch upon a racial stereotype i was like movie

[42:57] that's too far maybe it's maybe it's just what i expect for movies don't expect from movies i don't

[43:01] know says more about me well i guess what i'm saying is this movie's a rorschach test in that

[43:05] it's not trapped in here with us we're trapped in here with it okay yep yeah the true rorschach

[43:11] test is whether or not you think rorschach is the hero or possibly a villain of that story i guess

[43:16] so yeah certainly an argument i had with a friend of mine when i was 15 uh so that friend zach

[43:22] snyder exactly uh so nicholas cage and the other guys by which i mean rachel and lucas they're in

[43:31] the car uh-oh a drone is flying overhead they have to bump a bump sit in their car and wait for it to

[43:37] fly away that's the that's the next challenge on their quest and uh they and they all really get

[43:43] on each other's nerves and i'm like oh they are because this is one of those moments where like

[43:46] they are kind of becoming a real family because they're all on each other's nerves on this long

[43:49] car trip and lucas is like hey my friend told me new eden is a death camp and rachel is like don't

[43:55] say that nicholas cage is like no he's right it is and it's like how big a secret is this if lucas

[44:01] heard it from his friend at school like come on yeah that's like finding out that after you beat

[44:06] mike tyson and mike tyson's punch out there's a secret guy named bray trash man who throws trash

[44:10] at you like i heard that in school like there's no way that's a real secret or if it turned out

[44:16] that they really did invent hoverboards that worked

[44:18] and parents did take them off the market

[44:20] because they were so dangerous?

[44:21] And you were like,

[44:21] how did kids get this secret information?

[44:23] I don't understand.

[44:24] Yeah, those parents, I guess,

[44:27] are the same parents who lied

[44:29] about Freddy Krueger ever existing.

[44:30] You know, kids have ears everywhere.

[44:34] Yeah, like on their heads, certainly.

[44:38] Yeah, mostly on their heads, Dan.

[44:40] I can name a couple different parts of the body

[44:42] that kids have ears.

[44:43] I've seen kids.

[44:45] They're just covered in ears.

[44:46] They're lousy with them.

[44:47] Oh, that's gross.

[44:48] And then Dan pulls down his pants to show us the ears on his butt.

[44:51] Elliot, come on.

[44:53] I'm not a kid.

[44:54] Oh, yeah.

[44:55] I'm sorry.

[44:55] If he was a kid, he would have.

[44:56] They dropped off.

[44:57] When you went through puberty, your vestigial ears fell off.

[45:00] My baby ears fell out.

[45:02] You put them under your pillow, and the ear fairy comes along and gives you, I don't know

[45:08] what.

[45:08] What does the ear fairy give you?

[45:09] Well, just a ball of wax.

[45:12] It's really gross.

[45:12] Oh, that's disgusting.

[45:13] I don't know why I put the ears under my pillow if I knew that was going to happen.

[45:16] We're putting together a pretty good spec script for the next Channel Zero season.

[45:20] So there's a moment here where Rachel is like, so are you going to tell Lucas that you're his father and he's your son?

[45:28] And it's one of those things where you're like, I knew this was going to happen because I know how movies work.

[45:32] But there was nothing in the story that would have led me to believe this.

[45:35] It comes out of nowhere unless you've seen a movie, in which case you know that's the case.

[45:40] And Nicolas Cage is like, I don't know, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[45:42] But it means that Nicolas Cage knew that Rachel was not really Rachel, despite she doesn't even have the Rachel haircut.

[45:48] So, like, oh, yeah, he knows that if anything, she looks more like a Monica.

[45:51] Yeah.

[45:53] A harmonica, if you will.

[45:54] Oh, wow.

[45:55] No.

[45:56] Isn't that what isn't that what her dad, Elliot Gould, calls her?

[45:59] Harmonica, was it?

[46:01] Yeah, I think so.

[46:02] OK, I'll allow.

[46:03] Hey, friends, fans, check out the friends wiki.

[46:06] Text me later whether or not I'm right.

[46:09] Promise not to be a creep like a Ross over here.

[46:12] Wait, are you calling me a Ross?

[46:14] I'm just saying Ross is the villain of Friends.

[46:16] Yeah, Ross is the bad guy.

[46:17] If there's a baddie, it's Ross.

[46:19] Ross is very clearly the worst, most horrible character in Friends because he's a jerk, but he thinks he's the hero.

[46:26] And Gunter is there to warn us away from trusting in Ross.

[46:31] What people don't realize is that monkey is Ross's parole officer who's there to keep him in line.

[46:37] Weird.

[46:38] Oh, did you not know that the Friends live in the Zootopia world?

[46:42] okay oh wow yeah yeah they're the last humans in zootopia and the apartment people like how do they

[46:48] afford that apartment on a waitress's salary because they're in a human zoo dudes she's not

[46:52] really a waitress she just put her in an environment that she feels comfortable in where she would do

[46:57] human life like activities so she doesn't go crazy and chew off her own feet you know like an animal

[47:02] in a cage so ross is very much like just the bad guy you know but it's like that it's like that old

[47:08] saying either die a hero or live long enough to become ross so baldy at this point lucas stops to

[47:15] use the bathroom continuing our and baldy attacks from the bathroom continuing our theme in the

[47:19] movie of lucas having adults with him when he's either bathing or using the bathroom when he

[47:24] shouldn't need to really he's old enough that he can do it on his own he doesn't need a bad guy

[47:27] there turns into a firefight with federal agents lucas gets away from baldy by stealing his fake

[47:32] eye which i couldn't quite figure out how that happened he just took it from his pocket which

[47:37] doesn't make any sense it was like yeah it was like he stole it from his pocket and baldy was

[47:41] like my eye of power i'm too weak to hold you now yeah and wessinghouse when he loses his eyes like

[47:47] hey you little and then the kid drops it down a fucking vent and he's like i'll get it and

[47:52] wessinghouse like i guess i'll just stand here and wait for you to come back and then like i'm

[47:57] sure it cuts to him a little bit later he's like i don't think he's coming back and uh lucas runs

[48:04] outside or nicholas cage almost backs his car into him and what was a pretty good stunt in that

[48:09] it really did look like they almost hit that kid with the car uh okay so rachel i guess take take

[48:16] our moments of joy when we can in this movie yeah like when nicholas cage defends his decision not

[48:22] to go with lucas to the bathroom because as he says it was number two that's right

[48:28] yeah that's pretty funny i didn't even think about that which means they had a conversation

[48:35] about it too like lucas was like should i should i come with you he's like no it's number two

[48:40] all right so so does that mean i shouldn't come with you and lucas is like no agent cross if it's

[48:47] number one sure number one more is the fun everyone hangs out with me he's like i've i've

[48:52] heard about you agent cross you like watching kids drink their own piss so if it's number one

[48:56] you're coming in number two i don't need you that's that's the just remember that rhyme and

[49:01] you'll always remember yeah okay okay what about number three the mythical number three well well

[49:06] well no across i don't think you're ready for the secrets of number three uh so rachel tells

[49:13] nicholas hey i was friends with the real rachel with lucas's mom and we had a fight because she

[49:18] wanted to sell lucas and then when he was a baby and i said no he's too beautiful don't sell him

[49:23] and then i accidentally killed her and that or it's implied that she killed her accidentally in

[49:27] the fight and nicholas cage is like all right okay and uh they then drive through a radioactive zone

[49:33] uh-oh the guy your counter says actually there's not that much radiation it was a trick they didn't

[49:39] want people going to this place for some reason that i don't yeah that's never made clear like

[49:45] why everyone thinks that this place is a radioactive zone and then like and then it's

[49:51] not and like who's spreading this and like why there aren't more people in the non-radioactive

[49:55] zone and it's like we just we mentioned it before we just watched for the bonus episode

[50:00] uh star trek 5 with the greatest generation guys and it's exactly like when they're going through

[50:06] the great barrier to find god at the end of the movie and they're like no one's ever gone through

[50:11] this barrier and then they're just like i guess we'll go through this barrier and they do it just

[50:14] perfectly fine yeah nicholas cage has more trouble with his car driving than they have with the

[50:19] enterprise going through the great barrier yeah and it's really weird because it's like i guess

[50:24] it's supposed to be like the government didn't want people to know about this place where there

[50:28] are still trees and snow because they'd know there's resources but it's like the whole reason

[50:32] the humanity bureau exists is because there weren't enough resources so if there were why

[50:37] are we doing this like what like why are we doing this though yeah and it's not like it's not like

[50:43] the the new eden lie like maybe maybe running death camps like provides something for them

[50:52] like it would make sense if they were eating them because at least they're creating a resource

[50:57] but otherwise it's like yeah okay run away then we don't have to take the time to

[51:02] to turn you into ashes it's like oh if you live out in the wasteland okay like you're not getting

[51:09] any of our resources anyway it's i guess what i'm saying is they didn't put a yeah we were

[51:13] saying they didn't put a lot of thought into the creation of this dystopia uh they reach a heavily

[51:17] wooded forest uh-oh baldy and the federal agents westinghouse the agents they show up and catch on

[51:22] to them and westinghouse like give me the memory card with the proof about new eden and then he

[51:26] kills rachel kind of gratuitously and he steals lucas and nicholas cage says let the boy go i'll

[51:31] give you the memory card if you let the boy go and he does though he lets the boy go and nicholas

[51:35] cage like run run into the trees lucas which is hilarious because it's like you know this kid's

[51:40] gonna die like instantly right like how is he gonna you don't think he's gonna become mogli

[51:44] all of a sudden like he doesn't know how yeah i mean maybe maybe red hatchet as a kid and knows

[51:49] all about that shit yeah but he doesn't have a hatchet stewart how is he gonna survive without

[51:53] a hatchet maybe i'll find one i don't know okay he knows a lot of molly hatchet songs would that

[51:57] help i don't know molly hatchet their album covers always sold me a unfair bill of goods there

[52:03] their album covers looked awesome and their music was now here's the part where westinghouse shows

[52:09] that he's not that dumb is he's like let me just check this memory card right here in front of

[52:13] nicholas cage hey it's blank you tricked me and he just shoots nicholas cage in the head lucas runs

[52:19] back and the feds are like why did you come back and a sniper takes out all the feds uh-oh there

[52:24] were rebels in the hill in the forest that lucas found i guess he stumbled on them when they were

[52:28] what tapping trees for their maple syrup i don't know yeah there's there's two questions here like

[52:32] number one why does westinghouse upon finding out that there's nothing on the thing just shoot

[52:37] nicholas cage rather than be like all right where's the real information and number two like

[52:42] those snipers came in a little late you know they could have shot them maybe before they killed

[52:48] nicholas cage and rachel yeah but possible i mean they might have been like i don't know rachel's

[52:52] rachel's a murderer i thought we already covered that okay so true true she killed lucas's mom

[52:57] harsh justice from stewart uh now the next scene is lucas with the sniper and his female compatriot

[53:05] it's not i guess you're supposed to assume they're married i don't know in their ski lodge they live

[53:09] in a very nicely appointed or lobby of a hotel in aspen and uh it's like if this is what life

[53:17] is like outside the cities then yeah like okay great let's do it let's not live in the cities

[53:21] like what and uh they take lucas in and they go do you have any idea where the real memory card

[53:25] would be hey guess what guys it's in the only object that the movie spent any time talking

[53:31] about the rabbit's foot oh there's sometimes in this world you got to make your own luck

[53:36] always bet on black or in this case lucas and the they play the memory card which has a message

[53:44] about new eden from noah cross where he just says like it's a death camp watch out don't don't

[53:50] believe him blah blah blah this message and it's one of the things where it's like so noah cross

[53:54] instead of using the original memory card that was given to him or maybe he recorded over it

[53:58] with his own message because he thought he was a better communicator he took my course

[54:02] uh yeah why didn't he just why did he then not tell everybody along the way oh yeah new eden's

[54:07] a death camp like what was he waiting for what moment also i mean not to get ahead of things but

[54:13] like the next the next thing is they cut to like hilarious stock footage of riots yeah to indicate

[54:20] that this message has gone through the world and like everyone's there's an uprising but there's

[54:24] no indication that these rebels have any ability to broadcast this message to the world like i

[54:30] don't know how that act that part of it happened i mean i'm just gonna assume because they didn't

[54:34] get they didn't tell me that's not how it happened i'm gonna assume it's the same way it happens in

[54:37] johnny mnemonic and they're in like henry rollins and uh and the other guys are just broadcasting

[54:41] it under on some kind of pirate tv radio station the symbol that you need to to break out of the

[54:46] system you know yeah yeah it's like in pump up the volume yeah yeah exactly yeah sure or they

[54:53] live they break into the local yeah tv station yeah yeah now you're getting it or that rock and

[54:58] roll pirate radio movie that came out a couple years ago where it's like a offshore oil drilling

[55:02] rig that they turn into a radio station there's something like that maybe that's what it is

[55:06] anyway the point is or like an airheads where they take over that radio station and play music

[55:11] everyone remembers airheads i mean of course you remember it comedy central played it all the time

[55:17] they played it a lot it's it's look that was the movie that forged the bond between adam sandler

[55:22] and Steve Buscemi that we are still reaping the benefits and rewards of today.

[55:26] Guys, for some reason, I saw Airheads in the theater.

[55:29] I just want to confess that.

[55:31] I mean, I get it.

[55:32] It was a good cast.

[55:33] You like Brendan Fraser.

[55:34] Dan, I saw the Jerky Boys movie in the theater, okay?

[55:37] The only defense you need is that you were young at the time.

[55:41] Look, what's funny about the Jerky Boys movie is that I don't remember anything

[55:46] except the very end of it.

[55:48] so it's very possible that me and my friend got the show times wrong got there late saw the last

[55:53] 10 minutes of the movie and then left and we're like that's enough that's all we need either that

[55:58] or i blocked out the rest from my memory i don't know so okay yeah as dan says revolution breaks

[56:03] out because people are like nicholas cage's word is all that i needed that that's or and it's really

[56:08] funny because it's like again everybody seemed to know this was the case they just needed like

[56:12] someone to i guess pop the bubble you know there's never a moment there's never a moment in that in

[56:17] the movie where we see any characters talking about new eden in a way that's like that isn't

[56:24] totally silly like every time the only person who talks about new eden positively it's nicholas

[56:30] cage as he's about to send somebody there like at no point is there somebody who's like yeah you

[56:35] know maybe maybe new eden makes sense for us yeah you think people this is the movie downsizing

[56:41] uh you think people will be applying for new eden like that's yeah yeah it would be like

[56:47] a the same way that uh so spoiler alert for sorry to bother you that in sorry to bother you people

[56:52] want to go into these kind of slave prisons that have been set up to by that one corporation so

[56:58] they can have a home and meals like it's they do you know what guys we should have watched sorry

[57:03] to bother you this is a really good movie and the human hero is not a good movie uh so revolution

[57:08] breaks out free folk are streaming back into the city so that they can get on some of that fed

[57:13] killing action and dead nicholas cage in his last moments on earth which apparently

[57:18] stretched the months that it takes for this revolution to take place uh he remembers swimming

[57:24] at the lake or maybe the whole thing is what nicholas cage is imagining in his last moments

[57:28] on earth we don't know we don't care it's it's the fields of grain in uh in gladiator yeah or uh

[57:34] fields of gold in sting nope nope nope all right well after uh after 11 years

[57:45] shuts things down can we compromise and say it's more of a salisbury hill scenario

[57:53] yeah okay okay a salisbury steak scenario so that's the end of the movie nicholas cage got

[58:00] them instead the nicholas cage should have been more focused on getting the message out instead

[58:04] of like helping this kid and and the old

[58:08] order returneth I guess or perhaps a new

[58:10] order that's better than the old arrives

[58:12] who cares it's the Humanity Bureau for

[58:16] the Flophouse I've been Elliot Kalin

[58:18] I'm Stuart Wellingtown no that's not how

[58:21] we do it we do final judgments was this a

[58:24] good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie

[58:26] kind of liked yeah this was this ranks

[58:30] high up on the list of boring movies

[58:32] we've done and by high you mean low right well i mean on the list of most boring yeah it ranks high

[58:39] i because i mean now you know that on the dvd of the of the humanity bureau it's just gonna say

[58:44] ranks high or ranks high on the list dan mccoy the flop outs yeah uh as i said at the beginning

[58:53] there's nothing like distinctive about this story at all we've seen it all before it's all very

[58:59] predictable uh there's no reason nicholas cage would have made this movie other than to fund his

[59:05] castles like i can't see any other name actor reading the script and being like yeah yeah this

[59:12] is this seems good i mean eric roberts would probably be into it okay i mean ironically

[59:16] nicholas cage is making the humanity bureau so i guess he i assume so he can pay back the irs the

[59:21] money he owes them so yeah maybe he's like oh i'm finally gonna stick it to him this is really

[59:25] gonna say something about about how the government takes advantage of people it's like nick i mean

[59:30] you didn't take you didn't do proper accounting i mean that's part of the problem as much as i

[59:34] respect you as an artist you know i i like the i kind of enjoyed the first act of this movie it's

[59:39] really silly and that guy has bread taped to his face and everybody goes out of their way to say

[59:45] how pretty the uh female lead in the movie is which is really strange it is weird that people

[59:52] like the only quality she has that anyone remarks upon ever is that she's pretty and it's presented

[59:57] as if the movie thinks that it has to keep reminding us which is weird yeah it's like the

[1:00:02] way in uh triple x3 everybody has to keep telling us how cool xander cage is well there because if

[1:00:09] we don't hear it once every 10 minutes we completely forget well they didn't they didn't

[1:00:14] Make this explicit, but in this dystopia, there are no pretty women anymore.

[1:00:18] Oh.

[1:00:19] Okay.

[1:00:21] So this is, yeah.

[1:00:22] You're saying people just, the movie Pretty Woman has been banned because it reminds people of a world gone by.

[1:00:29] Yeah.

[1:00:29] That sounds like a big mistake.

[1:00:31] Stuart, you saying that makes me so glad I went with a Pretty Woman movie reference and not a reference to the song Pretty Women from Sweeney Todd.

[1:00:40] Yeah.

[1:00:41] So, yeah, this is a bad, bad movie.

[1:00:44] Don't watch it.

[1:00:45] It's a bad, bad movie.

[1:00:46] It's worth watching, like Stuart said, the very beginning just to see how bad the car driving effects are.

[1:00:51] But don't watch it.

[1:00:53] It's very boring.

[1:00:54] If you want to have fun watching a Nicolas Cage cash grab, there's much better options for you.

[1:01:14] 2017 and 2018.

[1:01:16] Also, I like.

[1:01:18] There were no horses in this country until the mid to late 60s.

[1:01:21] Specialist bovine arse vet.

[1:01:23] Both of his eyes are squid's eyes.

[1:01:25] Yogurt buffet.

[1:01:26] She was married to a bacon farmer who saved her life.

[1:01:30] Farm-raised snow leopard.

[1:01:32] Download it today.

[1:01:35] That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from MaximumFun.org.

[1:01:39] Also, maybe start at episode one or, weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show.

[1:01:46] Hey, gang, this is Jesse, and I am joined by Bikram, the managing director of Maximum Fun.

[1:01:53] Hi, everyone.

[1:01:54] So we have some really amazing news to close out 2018.

[1:01:58] After this spring's pledge drive, we gave members the chance to buy enamel pins with the full profits of those sales going to the National Immigration Law Center.

[1:02:09] This is a tough time to be an immigrant in the United States.

[1:02:12] As individuals, as a company, and as a community,

[1:02:15] we wanted to help provide resources for immigrants in the face of these attacks.

[1:02:19] We're proud to live in a nation of immigrants,

[1:02:21] and many of us here at Max Fund are immigrants or the children of immigrants ourselves.

[1:02:25] Together, we raised over $100,000.

[1:02:28] NILC will put that money to good use,

[1:02:31] providing legal representation to immigrants and their families

[1:02:34] who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it.

[1:02:37] We are so proud of our community for making such an immense difference in so many lives.

[1:02:41] And whether you bought pins or not, you can help the NILC advocate for immigrants right now.

[1:02:49] All you have to do is go to MaximumFun.org slash NILC.

[1:02:55] That's MaximumFun.org slash NILC.

[1:02:59] Our thanks go to all of you who made this possible.

[1:03:03] Great work, everybody, and happy holidays from all of us at MaxFun.

[1:03:07] Yeah.

[1:03:10] That's the classic pause and yeah, as Dan switches gears audibly into the next section of the show.

[1:03:20] Yeah.

[1:03:21] Sorry.

[1:03:22] I just got texted something funny, which I saw as I was going into my phone to do ads and letters.

[1:03:31] funny text funny text was it some kind of funny gif uh yeah someone doctored a photo of me and

[1:03:40] sent it to me so just imagine that i hope that friend is listening to the podcast and feels good

[1:03:46] about themselves yeah so okay uh ads sure yeah everyone loves them let's do some let's keep the

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[1:09:02] uses it yeah

[1:09:02] steals and deals

[1:09:04] I mean don't steal please don't actually steal

[1:09:07] the things I believe each of you

[1:09:09] has a jumbotron to read

[1:09:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:09:12] Does anyone want to go first?

[1:09:14] Let me pull up this bad boy.

[1:09:15] You want me to go first while you're pulling yours up?

[1:09:18] Hell no, I am all ready.

[1:09:19] Okay.

[1:09:20] This message is for Graham.

[1:09:22] The message is from Matthew Hain.

[1:09:26] Dear Graham, it's me, Sludge.

[1:09:29] Surprise, biatch.

[1:09:30] I know that it's been an incredibly tough year,

[1:09:33] first with your diagnosis and then your heartache.

[1:09:36] So I want to say what an honor it is to be pals with you.

[1:09:40] You were a true friend when Mom died and things got rough.

[1:09:43] Thanks for all the beers, yelling, Van Persies, and Flophouse sessions.

[1:09:48] Much love, Matt.

[1:09:51] That was very sweet.

[1:09:53] Aside from the biatch in there.

[1:09:55] Yeah, I feel I'm sorry for whatever bad times the recipient has gone through.

[1:10:01] I hope that your friend's jumbotron salves the wounds a little.

[1:10:08] Hopefully I didn't read it too sassy.

[1:10:10] You can just write in and let me know if I was too sassy.

[1:10:13] I'll use the de-sassifying filter.

[1:10:15] Yeah, that comes with this program, right?

[1:10:17] A de-sass-sizer-sizer-sizer-sizer?

[1:10:20] Oh, wow.

[1:10:21] I had trouble pronouncing it because it's a word that doesn't exist.

[1:10:23] Hey, I've got a jumbotron, too.

[1:10:24] It's made up out of real words, so hopefully I'll read a little better.

[1:10:27] This message is for Aaron, and it's from Jacob.

[1:10:30] This message is, congrats on your PhD, Aaron.

[1:10:34] Congratulations.

[1:10:35] It's been wonderful working with you, and I am so excited to see where you will go in the future.

[1:10:38] Your intelligence and helpfulness is a real inspiration, as is your ability to skip leg day and yet somehow out-squat the entire lab.

[1:10:46] So this guy's got brains and brawn.

[1:10:48] That's amazing.

[1:10:48] I am so grateful for your thoughtful mentorship as well as for turning me on to the flop.

[1:10:52] So another very sweet message.

[1:10:54] That's from Jacob for Aaron.

[1:10:56] Yeah, and if you want to get on the Jumbotron, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

[1:11:03] People can hear about your squats.

[1:11:05] I've been looking for a way to inform more people about my squats.

[1:11:12] Let's take some letters.

[1:11:16] Wait, before we do that, Dan.

[1:11:17] Before we do that.

[1:11:19] Before we do that.

[1:11:20] All right.

[1:11:21] Before we do that, look, we've still got a show coming up at the end of January, and I just want to talk about it for a moment.

[1:11:27] We're going to be doing a show live at the University of Wisconsin-Madison in beautiful Wisconsin.

[1:11:33] That's right, my grandma's alma mater and my sister's alma mater.

[1:11:36] I got Badgers in my family, and I'm very proud to be entertaining some Badgers at the U of WM.

[1:11:41] That's going to be Saturday, January 26th, 2019, the future.

[1:11:46] But it's going to be here before we think.

[1:11:47] Robots and Hovercrafts, 2019.

[1:11:49] That's at 8 p.m. Saturday, January 26th at the Wisconsin Union Theater, Shannon Hall, University of Wisconsin-Madison.

[1:11:56] Tickets are available online.

[1:11:57] It's a very complicated URL, so just do a Google search for Flophouse University of Wisconsin.

[1:12:03] It'll come up.

[1:12:03] And student tickets.

[1:12:05] And that's, yeah, that's the last Flop House show ever.

[1:12:08] Currently scheduled.

[1:12:10] It's the last one currently scheduled.

[1:12:11] It's the last one scheduled.

[1:12:12] We will do more.

[1:12:13] I haven't talked to you guys off air about this, but our agent did get back to us with some options.

[1:12:18] Glad we're throwing that in this episode.

[1:12:20] Wonderful.

[1:12:20] Student tickets, only $10 to the Flop House show, January 26, University of Wisconsin-Madison.

[1:12:25] Should we say what movie we're doing?

[1:12:27] Yeah, do it right now, Dan.

[1:12:29] Like, are we sure?

[1:12:31] I mean, we're sure it's going to be available, right?

[1:12:33] I think so.

[1:12:34] If it is available for us to watch, we will be doing Venom.

[1:12:39] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[1:12:41] My favorite Marvel character, circa age 13, finally in his own movie and starring Tom Hardy.

[1:12:48] How could it go wrong?

[1:12:49] This is going to be a critical on financial success.

[1:12:52] Venom.

[1:12:53] Yeah, I mean, it was a huge financial.

[1:12:54] It was a big success and some critics liked it.

[1:12:57] Will we feel the same way?

[1:12:58] Let's find out.

[1:12:59] on the Clubhouse, live, Saturday, January 26th.

[1:13:02] It's Venom time.

[1:13:04] University of Wisconsin-Madison, get your tickets now.

[1:13:06] So let's do letters.

[1:13:10] I said it before, I'll say it again.

[1:13:11] Now it's for real.

[1:13:12] Okay.

[1:13:13] This time.

[1:13:14] Now and forever.

[1:13:14] Cats at the Winter Garden.

[1:13:16] This first letter is from Sebastian.

[1:13:20] A crab.

[1:13:20] Last name withheld.

[1:13:21] Okay.

[1:13:21] Okay, sure.

[1:13:22] Now, Dan, normally...

[1:13:26] Dude in the voice.

[1:13:28] Normally, I would sing a calypso-type song about the letters under the C, the letter C, at this point.

[1:13:36] But we've had enough of my jabbering.

[1:13:38] Let's get on to that letter.

[1:13:39] Just imagine that song at home, everybody.

[1:13:41] Okay.

[1:13:42] Because I think it would go a little something like this.

[1:13:46] The letter C, the letter C, it's a letter in the alphabet, along with all the other letters, the letter C, and so forth.

[1:13:55] Okay.

[1:13:57] So this letter from Sebastian goes like this.

[1:13:59] Isn't it weird that both Unbreakable and National Lampoon's Animal House

[1:14:03] both end with postscripts?

[1:14:05] I don't know.

[1:14:06] They're just such different movies that it's weird that both Harold Ramis

[1:14:08] and M. Night Shyamalan both decided to include these in their scripts.

[1:14:12] Is there a movie you three have flopped that you wish included a postscript

[1:14:15] at the end to inform you about what happened to a character

[1:14:18] after the credits have rolled?

[1:14:19] Yours in flop, Sebastian.

[1:14:22] Well, I think, I mean, I think the text at the end of Unbreakable was mainly there to maintain the absolute last moment twist reveal.

[1:14:32] Uh-huh.

[1:14:33] So they didn't actually have to have the movie go, like, they want people to be like, what?

[1:14:37] And then immediately leave the theater.

[1:14:39] Yeah.

[1:14:40] Which is what?

[1:14:42] We've got to clear it out for the next showing.

[1:14:43] It reminds me of when I first saw the trailer for Unbreakable.

[1:14:47] And the moment you saw Samuel L. Jackson's haircut for the first time, everyone in the theater erupted in laughter.

[1:14:52] So I kind of wondered, at the end of the Humanity Bureau, I want to know what's going to happen to Lucas a little bit.

[1:15:01] Give me a postscript.

[1:15:02] Has he become the president of this new world, like a child king?

[1:15:05] I don't understand.

[1:15:05] But I want to know.

[1:15:07] What about something like Stand By Me, where you have a bunch of kids getting in troubles?

[1:15:15] I mean, you do find out there is a postscript in Stand By Me.

[1:15:18] Wait, what happens?

[1:15:19] You're like, they all live long lives.

[1:15:23] None of them go to Vietnam, right?

[1:15:24] This question requires me to remember movies that we've done, which is a real problem.

[1:15:32] Oh, are we talking about movies we've done?

[1:15:34] No, it could be any movie that we have flopped.

[1:15:36] I'm going to say Humanity Bureau.

[1:15:38] I'm going to take the easiest one that I remember because we did it already.

[1:15:40] And I'll say this.

[1:15:41] I can tell you a movie that we didn't flop that I wish did not have a postscript at the end.

[1:15:44] it's called the imitation game oh yeah yeah i did not need to be reminded that we call those

[1:15:51] thinking machines computers yeah this thinking machine would grow up and one day be called a

[1:15:56] computer it was almost like i wish it said it came up on screen says the text says we today

[1:16:01] we call them computers and then another text comes that says you idiots so what's academy

[1:16:07] academy award nominated film the imitation game yep for writing uh and but what about like if

[1:16:14] There's a postscript to the end, a food fight, to tell us what happened to all those characters.

[1:16:16] Like, what's going to happen to Larry Miller's elderly, out-and-proud Batman?

[1:16:20] Yeah.

[1:16:22] Yeah, Dan.

[1:16:23] Well, I assume that because of the Supreme Court ruling allowing gay marriage, he gets

[1:16:36] married to his longtime paramour, Mr. Clean.

[1:16:37] Oh, okay.

[1:16:38] Oh, okay.

[1:16:39] I can see that.

[1:16:39] That would be very sweet.

[1:16:40] Mm-hmm.

[1:16:42] And that would mean Mr. Clean, the people who own Mr. Clean, would pay more money for Food Fight 2.

[1:16:47] Oh, yeah, finally.

[1:16:49] More than the two bucks I assume they paid for the first time around.

[1:16:52] Was he in Food Fight?

[1:16:53] I don't remember at all.

[1:16:54] Mr. Clean's walking around in there, which Mr. Clean is not a food product, so it's a little weird that he's in there.

[1:17:00] In fact, I would encourage you not to eat it.

[1:17:02] Let's put that in the Tide Pod category of looks delicious but don't put it in your mouth.

[1:17:08] Yeah, I got to apologize to our listeners

[1:17:12] because I don't remember most of the movies we watch,

[1:17:14] a big surprise, and can't really answer this question.

[1:17:17] That's okay.

[1:17:18] We came up with some bullshit.

[1:17:20] And I'm going to nitpick a little bit

[1:17:22] and say that Dan earlier, when he said

[1:17:24] Supreme Court decision allowing gay marriage,

[1:17:26] I want to change that to...

[1:17:28] Upholding?

[1:17:28] Recognizing the right of gay marriage.

[1:17:31] Yeah, well, okay.

[1:17:33] It's not like the Supreme Court was like,

[1:17:34] I'll allow it.

[1:17:35] The Supreme Court came around and was like,

[1:17:37] Oh, yeah, this is a human right, and we shouldn't deny it from you any longer.

[1:17:39] Yes, you're right.

[1:17:41] Clearly, I'm a bigot who purposefully misphrased.

[1:17:46] No, no, no.

[1:17:47] I'm just trying to save your bacon.

[1:17:48] Bacon you can get from ButcherBox if you use our code.

[1:17:51] Yeah.

[1:17:53] This next letter is from Amos' last name withheld.

[1:17:59] And Andy.

[1:17:59] Oh, boy.

[1:18:01] Wow, we are really stepping in it a lot today.

[1:18:03] Wasn't Nicholas Cage in that movie?

[1:18:07] He was in Amos and Andrew.

[1:18:08] Oh, my mistake.

[1:18:09] They're like, Amos and Andy live in Florida.

[1:18:12] We're Amos and Andrew.

[1:18:14] Yeah.

[1:18:14] He writes.

[1:18:17] Sorry, I've never seen Amos and Andrew.

[1:18:19] Is it based on Amos and Andy, the radio intelligence?

[1:18:22] No, they were just going off of the name recognition, I guess, of that racist radio show.

[1:18:29] It seems really weird.

[1:18:30] Yeah, it's a bad choice all around.

[1:18:36] It's like, oh, we wanted to do this.

[1:18:38] We're doing this movie.

[1:18:40] It's called Birth of a Ration.

[1:18:44] It's a comedy about rationing.

[1:18:46] Wait, so it's about the Klan?

[1:18:47] No, why would you think that?

[1:18:48] Yeah.

[1:18:50] Amos and Andrews sounds like a weird name for that.

[1:18:52] So what's it about?

[1:18:53] Is it an action movie?

[1:18:54] It's like a buddy comedy of some kind.

[1:18:59] I don't know.

[1:19:00] I saw it on TV way back when.

[1:19:03] Is it like Milo and Otis?

[1:19:06] it's like homeward bound the incredible journey oh okay so it is like milo and otis yeah uh amos

[1:19:14] writes i was listening to an old episode your review of the last taylor lautner video sorry

[1:19:19] vehicle abduction not not not like a vhs tape okay yeah uh not just a video he put out on twitter for

[1:19:28] his fans being like this is taylor much love to everybody yeah let's keep it loud in that episode

[1:19:34] But Elliot said the movie would have been better if it had taken a sudden turn and Taylor Lautner had brought the statues in the Pittsburgh Pirate Stadium to life to fight the villains.

[1:19:44] Yep, I stand by that.

[1:19:45] It reminded me of a movie I saw earlier this year, Sorry to Bother You, which, spoiler alert, takes kind of a crazy turn in its last half.

[1:19:54] Have you guys ever enjoyed a movie that completely changed tone and went wacky toward the end?

[1:19:58] Best regards and keep on flopping in the free world.

[1:20:01] Amos' last name withheld.

[1:20:02] I mean, I think my favorite movie

[1:20:04] that kind of turns into a comedy in the last half

[1:20:06] is, of course, Takeshi Miyake's Audition.

[1:20:09] Yes, side-splittingly wacky at the end.

[1:20:16] That's another movie I'd like to see post-credits for.

[1:20:19] Oh, yeah.

[1:20:20] I can't hear someone say,

[1:20:21] dee-ka-dee-ka-dee-ka-dee-ka-dee-ka-dee

[1:20:23] without bursting into laughter.

[1:20:24] Yeah, I feel like most sort of gear shift movies

[1:20:31] like shift gears into something serious at the end rather than wacky but you could say i mean like

[1:20:38] so i could you could say that it's not the end necessarily but you could say gremlins 2 does

[1:20:42] exactly this that it starts off as a kind of pretty straightforward aside from the part with

[1:20:47] bugs money and daffy duck are arguing with each other at the beginning it starts off as a pretty

[1:20:50] straightforward gremlins type movie and then gets crazy and i i mean i've talked about gremlins 2 i

[1:20:56] think on the spot guys before i love it it was a very formative experience for me seeing it so

[1:21:00] like that's an example kind of but it goes way like a third of the way into the movie i think

[1:21:05] and obviously from dusk till dawn like starts off as a fairly serious crime film and then

[1:21:11] turns into a wacky vampire comedy it gets very silly um yeah but like i had a person at the bar

[1:21:20] arguing with me that uh from dusk till dawn had zombies in it and i was like no no no i assure you

[1:21:26] it's vampires i don't know much many things in this world yeah um but like most of the examples

[1:21:36] i can think of are things like something wild where it starts off as kind of a light-hearted

[1:21:40] romp and then like it gets like yeah like serious at the end yeah like to draw you in right to get

[1:21:46] yeah yeah and they drop the other shoe i mean there's a movie that i did not like but i did

[1:21:52] i would have liked it more if it was more like the wakening that we watched for the flop house

[1:21:55] that movie the cobbler with adam sandler where it is not a good movie and then at the very end

[1:22:01] suddenly it's about a father and son cobbler team that is in a secret spy war with what dry cleaners

[1:22:08] and they end up having a having a secret hideout underground that with a supercar in it and it was

[1:22:13] like wait where was this movie the whole time like why couldn't this movie why did i watch a movie

[1:22:17] where adam sandler gets in disguise as his dad to have sex with his senile mother when i could

[1:22:22] been watching this movie about spies yeah yeah uh why indeed last letter from leo last name

[1:22:32] withheld who uh from the bowery boys aka the dead end kids the hoi hoi original peaches i'll get the

[1:22:39] sad stuff out of the way first in the last year both my father and future father-in-law passed

[1:22:43] away unexpectedly the day that my father went into the hospital my close friend's dad died of

[1:22:49] cancer also i broke my toe an avid podcast listener i decidedly turned away from any media that wasn't

[1:22:55] abundantly joyful which led me to the flop house for a solid six months you guys were the only

[1:22:59] cast i could hold close to my heart it was nice to find myself weeping from laughter rather than

[1:23:03] grief this is always very nice to hear so i yeah that is very i mean it's it's not nice to hear

[1:23:08] that people have lost loved ones no definitely let's clarify let's just clean up dan's language

[1:23:14] a little bit but it's nice to hear that we have helped someone through a hard time

[1:23:17] It's weird that Dan's not even speaking off the cuff.

[1:23:21] This is a prepared statement.

[1:23:22] It is always nice to hear that the human population has been lessened.

[1:23:26] As Malthus warned us, it must inevitably do.

[1:23:28] Dan, please.

[1:23:30] It is very heartwarming to know that our-

[1:23:32] Look, I just read what's in the teleprompter.

[1:23:33] It's nice to know that we have helped someone in some strange way.

[1:23:40] But Leo goes on to write,

[1:23:43] On an unrelated note, I've peddled the phrase boner police

[1:23:46] around my social circles

[1:23:48] for several years

[1:23:48] trying to find a home

[1:23:50] befitting its glory.

[1:23:51] Now, this is the kind of shift

[1:23:52] we were just talking about

[1:23:53] where it started very serious

[1:23:55] and has become quite wacky.

[1:23:57] Who are the boner police?

[1:23:59] Are they law enforcement

[1:24:01] perpetually edging themselves

[1:24:02] from the thrill?

[1:24:03] Do they haunt illegal boners

[1:24:05] in a dystopic

[1:24:06] gun-cata-riddled future?

[1:24:07] I never solved the riddle,

[1:24:09] but on a recent episode,

[1:24:11] Stu Ball has dropped

[1:24:12] this phrase so perfectly.

[1:24:13] I should have known

[1:24:14] that some pursuits

[1:24:15] are best left to the masters.

[1:24:16] mm-hmm so dude yeah i mean this is about boner police i think i think this letter about boner

[1:24:23] police brings up an important point about the humanity bureau and that's if they wanted like

[1:24:29] if they're going to be so rote and by that i mean a movie written by people okay that they should

[1:24:34] have just cribbed from equilibrium a little bit more a movie that does exactly what humanity

[1:24:39] bureau is trying to do but better because it has gun kata in it thank you this has been my prepared

[1:24:44] statement okay i mean i had less about boner police than i expected as stewart's lawyer i'm

[1:24:51] gonna advise him to take the fifth amendment when it comes to boner police on the grounds that what

[1:24:54] he says about boner police might incriminate him in activities that the boner police would like to

[1:24:58] look into okay sure okay now are the boner police are they always getting into now are they getting

[1:25:05] into jurisdiction dust-ups with the female body inspector bureau or is it just like oh all the

[1:25:10] time i would imagine yeah yeah now what about i mean i feel like less said the better i think uh

[1:25:16] i think my dumb mouth's already getting me into trouble today so let's uh let's move along what's

[1:25:20] the next part of this podcast dan okay well at stewart's bequest uh or request i guess no no

[1:25:26] has left us and now he's he's bequest us with this with this ending yeah i mean that's yeah

[1:25:33] my last in my last gasp i ask you to do something different on the podcast

[1:25:38] well it was his last wish so we should honor it especially especially this is especially tasteless

[1:25:47] uh misspeaking after the last letter too yeah now's the time on the podcast where we recommend

[1:25:53] movies you definitely should watch instead of the humanity bureau um i just watched yesterday i went

[1:26:00] out and in the theaters okay on the big screen what theater was it it was the alma draft house

[1:26:06] in brooklyn okay what do you watch i saw spider-man into the spider-verse yeah dan the uh

[1:26:13] dan's the number one spider-man fan here at the flop house making me so mad i want to see that

[1:26:19] movie and i can't uh it's it's really it's really fun guys um and it's got our boy in it which boy

[1:26:27] is that nicholas cage oh yeah yeah if you want to see a good nick nick cage movie this cage

[1:26:32] season go out and see into the spider verse i don't know like what else to say about i mean like

[1:26:37] it's it's just it's packed with story and fun and jokes and in jokes and like hearts heartfelt

[1:26:47] feeling uh it's just it's just a movie that you're surprised at how much stuff they can get into a

[1:26:55] movie uh and watching this film and it all works really well and at the end of the movie it turns

[1:27:03] into like a crazy psychedelic light show with the beautiful animation spoiler alert too spoiler

[1:27:08] alert yeah yeah that's great uh dan and dan everybody at uh listening at home dan's currently

[1:27:14] wearing a pair of those hard to get miles morales nike sneakers oh yeah well dan's a real he's a

[1:27:22] real shoe collector he loves i am a shoe collector yeah yeah you say that as a joke but i have so

[1:27:27] many shoes yeah he's got a huge collection of jordan's all wrapped up in cellophane i mean

[1:27:31] they're not yeah they're not i'm not a sneaker collector but i yeah and you love the comic strip

[1:27:36] shoe about the conservative that's right about the cranky oh no that's i'm thinking of mallard

[1:27:41] film or the cranky reporter bird yeah yeah that's uh one of the most inexplicable comics on the

[1:27:48] comics page and that's saying a lot is it more or less inexplicable than funky winker bean

[1:27:52] uh i mean the thing about funky winkerbein uh is that it's the absolute funniest comic

[1:27:58] they should call it funny winkerbein right is that uh for a winkerbein what he's not that

[1:28:05] can someone call the boner police to deal with this winkerbein problem

[1:28:08] all right no but for a winkerbein you're saying he's not particularly funky

[1:28:16] yeah okay yeah that's the i'm imagining the world i think they put the card i'm imagining a world

[1:28:23] where funky winkerbein is so is so popular that they do a porn parody of it

[1:28:29] i mean it might exist who knows it's particularly for band teachers who want to watch some

[1:28:36] pornography yeah now here uh here's the thing about funky winkerbein when i was a kid i would

[1:28:41] read the sunday comics but i didn't always read the daily comics and so i'd be like garfield

[1:28:45] hilarious peanuts i love it funny and heartbreaking like uh this far side hilarious then i get to

[1:28:51] funky winkerbean be like okay here's one panel of a character dying um i don't how am i supposed

[1:28:58] to take this right now yeah so well you know we've we've grown to love those characters so

[1:29:03] much over the years all those famous characters like the guy with the glasses of course funky

[1:29:08] winkerbean who seemed to never actually be in the strip uh the band teacher yeah i think the

[1:29:14] guy in the glasses was the band teacher so we've uh named two characters guys is that the is that

[1:29:20] the comic strip with bill the cat where he's always saying act no that's that's bloom county

[1:29:26] or outland i guess it's also known do you think that do you think that uh bill the cat and kathy

[1:29:32] get mad at each other

[1:29:33] because they both have

[1:29:34] the same catchphrase.

[1:29:35] Yeah.

[1:29:36] They got into a big

[1:29:38] intellectual property battle

[1:29:39] over that.

[1:29:39] There was,

[1:29:40] yeah,

[1:29:40] it was,

[1:29:40] it was Cat V. Cathy.

[1:29:43] And they went all the way

[1:29:44] to the Supreme Court.

[1:29:45] And who did they,

[1:29:47] who did they rule in favor of?

[1:29:48] They declined to hear it.

[1:29:51] Oh,

[1:29:51] so it didn't go all the way

[1:29:52] to the Supreme Court.

[1:29:53] Well,

[1:29:53] they went up to the federal level.

[1:29:56] Yeah,

[1:29:56] and then Croc threw them

[1:29:57] both in jail.

[1:29:57] Croc.

[1:30:01] Yeah,

[1:30:02] he's like a

[1:30:03] no I remember

[1:30:04] Crock

[1:30:04] he's like a prison

[1:30:06] warden right

[1:30:07] I mean the thing is

[1:30:08] Bill the Cat

[1:30:08] had a lot of

[1:30:09] nuisance lawsuits

[1:30:10] that he was filing

[1:30:11] because there was

[1:30:11] also Cat v. Cap

[1:30:12] his lawsuit against

[1:30:14] Andy Cap

[1:30:14] ah yeah

[1:30:15] about cheese fries

[1:30:18] anyway

[1:30:19] who invented

[1:30:20] and owned

[1:30:20] the cheese fries

[1:30:21] trademark

[1:30:22] someone else go

[1:30:24] okay

[1:30:27] I'm gonna

[1:30:27] recommend a movie

[1:30:28] that I have to

[1:30:29] throw a big old

[1:30:29] caveat in front

[1:30:30] okay

[1:30:31] Mmm, caviar. Delicious.

[1:30:32] Yep. It's directed by a buddy of mine.

[1:30:35] Okay.

[1:30:35] It is the movie Leprechaun Returns, the latest Leprechaun movie that acts as a sequel to the original Leprechaun movie, kind of in that reboot, sequel type thing.

[1:30:49] So it's like the most recent Halloween.

[1:30:50] Kind of like the most recent Halloween.

[1:30:52] They ignore all the sequels.

[1:30:53] Or like Superman Returns, where it was like, this is a sequel to Superman 2.

[1:30:56] Mm-hmm. It's exactly like that.

[1:31:00] Oh, man.

[1:31:01] Dan, real quick.

[1:31:03] Can you type in your address into my phone so my wife can find me?

[1:31:08] This episode's really getting a lot of outside world interruption.

[1:31:13] Do you want me to talk while you do that?

[1:31:15] No, don't say it out loud because then people will know where we're currently at.

[1:31:19] So I'm going to recommend Leprechaun Returns.

[1:31:21] It's a fun little Leprechaun movie.

[1:31:23] It seems to understand that Leprechaun is basically if you –

[1:31:29] Wait, Stuart, I have a question.

[1:31:30] If you don't know my address, how did you get here?

[1:31:32] Well, I didn't type your address in because I'm trying to do this fucking thing on the podcast.

[1:31:38] So, I see.

[1:31:39] I can't do both at the same time.

[1:31:40] You're just delegating work.

[1:31:42] It's not that you didn't know my address.

[1:31:44] Stuart went into a trance, and he asked his spirit animal, Spuds McKenzie, where to find you.

[1:31:52] I mean, I prefer Patronus, but that's okay.

[1:31:57] So, Leprechaun Returns, it's basically, you know, Leprechaun is basically if you just take Freddy Krueger and only keep the, like, funny, goofy parts, right?

[1:32:06] So, it manages to be pretty fun.

[1:32:10] Not all the jokes land, but there's a lot of them.

[1:32:12] The special effects are great.

[1:32:14] It's directed by Stephen Kostansky, who directed Manborg and The Void, two movies I like quite a bit.

[1:32:20] And it, you know, it looks better than you'd expect.

[1:32:25] It's just, yeah, it's fun.

[1:32:27] leprechaun returns and like the fucking leprechaun rides around on a drone for a while and a dude

[1:32:31] gets his head chopped off it's wild yeah sounds fantastic delivers those leprechaun thrills i

[1:32:38] like the void a lot too maybe i'll check it out uh with my limited movie watching time hey guys

[1:32:42] but i watched a movie too let me tell you about it i watched a movie i liked called summer 1993

[1:32:47] now i know what you're thinking this is a movie about the release of jurassic park i wish no it's

[1:32:52] not that's not what it's about uh it's a spanish movie from uh last year direct written and

[1:32:57] directed by carla simone and it's about a young girl whose mother passes away and so she has to

[1:33:03] go live with her aunt and uncle and their daughter who's a little bit younger than her and it's a

[1:33:10] movie that's about someone like basically a kid trying to figure out what her life is like and

[1:33:16] what world she is in now now that the things that she knows and is used to have gone away and the

[1:33:22] performance by the lead girl is really really great and the story is told less in kind of like

[1:33:28] straightforward one after another scenes and more in kind of like moments that this kid is going

[1:33:33] through and it feels like uh they they capture really well kind of like a child's perspective

[1:33:38] on the world and on the events going on it really reminded me of what it was like to be like

[1:33:42] like a 10 year old kid trying to make sense of like what adults are doing at any given point

[1:33:48] like why certain things are okay and certain things are not okay.

[1:33:51] And I just thought it was really good.

[1:33:52] So that's Summer 1993.

[1:33:54] But watch out.

[1:33:56] It's not about Jurassic Park.

[1:33:58] It's not about Jurassic Park, and it's not in English.

[1:33:59] So get ready to read some subtitles.

[1:34:01] But I thought it was really good.

[1:34:03] Yeah, I mean, if you're one of those folks who wants to watch a movie

[1:34:06] and not read a book, maybe you shouldn't go see it.

[1:34:10] Yeah.

[1:34:11] Okay.

[1:34:12] That kind of petered out at the end.

[1:34:14] I mean, it's less reading than a book, certainly.

[1:34:17] I don't know what kind of books you read, dude.

[1:34:19] It's more reading than Horse Meets Dog.

[1:34:23] Hey, Horse Meets Dog, it is, that's true, but that's a children's picture book that's in stores now.

[1:34:29] It's a bestseller at the Reader's Bookstore in Sonoma, California.

[1:34:32] And it is, you know, it's just a fun book about a horse and a dog.

[1:34:36] I wrote it.

[1:34:36] The great Tim Miller drew it.

[1:34:38] It's on shelves now.

[1:34:39] Why not get one for the child in your life or the person who's young at heart in your life?

[1:34:43] Or just buy it.

[1:34:44] I don't care who you give it to.

[1:34:45] Just, like, send it to a prisoner.

[1:34:47] I don't know.

[1:34:47] Throw it in the ocean.

[1:34:48] Like, as long as you pay for it, it's yours.

[1:34:50] You own it.

[1:34:51] Do what you want with it.

[1:34:51] I hope you read it.

[1:34:52] But, like, I don't know.

[1:34:54] I don't know what you're going to do with it.

[1:34:55] Just pay for it and buy it and own it.

[1:34:56] Strangely libertarian ending of that message.

[1:34:59] Elliot, why don't, for the second printing,

[1:35:03] why don't you rip off that Jon Stewart quote on the front

[1:35:06] and add Dan's quote,

[1:35:07] less reading than a movie with subtitles.

[1:35:10] You're right.

[1:35:12] I think that'll get more people interested

[1:35:13] than the one by Jon Stewart

[1:35:14] that calls the book delightful.

[1:35:16] So I'll think about it.

[1:35:18] Horse Meets Dog,

[1:35:19] on shelves now,

[1:35:20] summer 1993.

[1:35:21] I watched it on the Canopy app,

[1:35:23] but it's available

[1:35:23] other places too.

[1:35:24] Before we go,

[1:35:26] we should always remind you

[1:35:28] that there are a lot

[1:35:29] of great shows

[1:35:30] over at MaximumFun.org,

[1:35:31] our podcast network.

[1:35:33] And if you want to spread

[1:35:35] the word about the Flophouse,

[1:35:36] write us a review on iTunes

[1:35:37] or tweet about us

[1:35:38] with, you know,

[1:35:39] a hashtag,

[1:35:39] an appropriate hashtag,

[1:35:40] probably the Flophouse podcast

[1:35:42] or Flophouse podcast.

[1:35:43] Let's use hashtag Flophouse Podcast.

[1:35:46] And you can tell people about it.

[1:35:49] You can be at the gym, and somebody's, like, asking why you're cracking up.

[1:35:53] And you're like, because I'm listening to this super funny podcast, buddy.

[1:35:55] And he's like, okay, let's keep working out.

[1:35:57] And if you see one of us walking around, feel free to come up and tell us you like the podcast.

[1:36:02] You know, that's not the same thing, but it feels nice.

[1:36:04] I was at a place just this past weekend with my father-in-law and my son while the ladies were off having a baby shower.

[1:36:13] and the uh and a guy walked up and goes is your name elliot i recognize your voice in the flop

[1:36:18] house i listened to it and it made me feel 100 feet tall which for a guy like me who's roughly

[1:36:22] two feet tall is a great sensation so yeah but even better than that write us a review on itunes

[1:36:27] or wherever you listen to your podcast or tell people about us yeah in a good way don't tell

[1:36:32] people about us in the way of like don't listen to these guys they're terrible yeah maybe keep

[1:36:36] that to yourself yeah or or if you're like if you listen to this podcast you go insane in seven days

[1:36:42] don't tell people that yeah i mean it's not true but i feel like that would drum up interest though

[1:36:47] that's true i guess yeah in a kind of a in kind of a bird box way where people are like uh oh now

[1:36:54] i've got to listen to it yeah um so another cage miss is coming gone oh man but don't be sad next

[1:37:01] year yeah it's it's so hard that moment when you take down your cage miss decorations you're

[1:37:06] cleaning up all the wrapping paper from your cages presence you have to shoo nicholas cage

[1:37:10] back up the chimney out of your house

[1:37:12] because he started living on your couch

[1:37:14] and you know you just say

[1:37:16] goodbye until the next time but we've got

[1:37:18] a whole great year coming up ahead of

[1:37:20] us guys 2019 it's going to be good

[1:37:22] stuff there's going to be lots of crap movies

[1:37:24] for us to watch aren't you excited

[1:37:25] I can't wait Elliot I mean we haven't even

[1:37:28] watched Gotti yet oh I'm

[1:37:30] so excited about that you guys

[1:37:31] how have we not watched Gotti yet why couldn't

[1:37:33] Nicolas Cage have been Gotti so that we could watch Gotti

[1:37:36] this month he's in Gotti too

[1:37:38] yeah I think that's probably

[1:37:40] I think that's probably the next one

[1:37:43] we've put it off long enough

[1:37:44] just so a little teaser for the next episode

[1:37:47] but for now

[1:37:48] we should sign off this episode

[1:37:50] I've been Dan McCoy

[1:37:52] yeah you have

[1:37:53] and I'm Stuart Wellington

[1:37:56] and I'm Elliot Kalin

[1:37:58] saying Merry Cagemas

[1:38:00] one and all

[1:38:02] bye

[1:38:10] i had to put stewart's hair out at one point yeah yeah at the at the groom's request i insisted that

[1:38:22] dan mccoy canceled whatever plans he was doing and come to this bachelor party and i think you

[1:38:27] showed up after i don't know like the 10th round of shots it feels like uh so i was probably really

[1:38:34] fun to hang out with. I was talking to Stu

[1:38:36] and he put his head down on the

[1:38:38] bar and

[1:38:40] he put it over a candle.

[1:38:42] That's horrible. I pulled his

[1:38:44] head up because it had started smoking

[1:38:46] and I started clapping his hair.

[1:38:49] Wait, I think you said that wrong, Dan.

[1:38:51] It started smoking.

[1:38:52] Yeah, and then Stuart said

[1:38:54] somebody stop me from

[1:38:56] immolating myself.

[1:38:57] Maximumfun.org

[1:39:01] Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

[1:39:03] Listener supported.

[1:39:04] Thank you.

Ep. #273 - The Humanity Bureau

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