Ep. #275 - The Meg

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode we discuss the Meg.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Welcome to Jurassic Shark.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] Elliot Kalin, back at ya, doing what I do.

[0:45] What is it that I do, guys?

[0:46] I don't know, but whatever it is, it ain't pretty.

[0:48] Uh-huh.

[0:49] Oh no, not at all.

Stuart Wellington

[0:51] Dan, what do we do here on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[0:53] Okay, wow. Great segue, guys.

[0:56] Yeah, segue Stu, they call him.

[0:57] Firing on all cylinders tonight.

[0:59] Yep.

[1:00] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:03] Oh, heck yeah, we do.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04] And did we watch a movie today, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:07] Well, we didn't watch it today, no.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] Why do I smell toast?

[1:12] You watched it today.

[1:13] We watched a movie called The Meg.

[1:16] The Meg.

[1:17] Short for Meggie Gyllenhaal.

[1:20] No.

[1:22] That's her name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24] Short for Megabyte, the villain from Reboot, the old CG cartoon, Saturday morning

[1:29] cartoon show.

[1:30] Because this is like the gritty reboot of Reboot.

[1:33] And they started it with a spinoff about the villain, Megabyte.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37] Uh-huh.

[1:37] No kidding?

[1:38] Okay.

[1:38] Wow.

[1:39] Is the animation any better now?

[1:41] Or do they intentionally lower the animation quality to food fight standards?

[1:45] So that we could...

[1:46] So people who were nostalgic for the original cartoon would feel connected.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] Oh, the animation is actually worse than the original cartoon.

[1:53] Oh, cool.

[1:53] Okay.

[1:54] Yeah.

[1:54] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[1:55] It's just a guy with a couple of paper cutout dolls, actually.

[1:58] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59] It's called Balinese Shadow Puppetry, Dan.

[2:01] It goes back thousands of years.

[2:02] It's a rich folklore tradition.

[2:05] But we're just kidding.

[2:05] The Meg is actually about Meg Ryan, star of French Kiss, Sleepless in Seattle, In the Cut.

[2:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:14] The movie everyone thinks of first when they think of Meg Ryan.

[2:17] In the Cut.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] I mean, certain guys think of In the Cut first when they think of Meg Ryan.

[2:21] Yeah.

[2:22] Uh-huh.

[2:23] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:25] We said it already.

[2:26] Why do you keep doing this?

Stuart Wellington

[2:28] It's like you had a stroke.

[2:30] God.

[2:30] Dan, are you having trouble?

[2:31] What's going on?

[2:32] Are you having an okay, Dan?

[2:32] Yeah, Dan, you're getting real mad.

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] I'm going to go find it.

[2:34] What's the problem?

Stuart Wellington

[2:36] You guys, I'm sick of your shenanigans and your Tom Fulry and your...

[2:41] You seem upset about the reveal of the Hallmark movie you were watching when I came in.

[2:45] Yeah.

[2:46] What movie was that?

Dan McCoy

[2:48] It was a movie.

[2:49] It was a two-hour-long television show, though.

[2:51] I mean, that sounds like a movie to me.

[2:53] It was about...

Elliott Kalan

[2:54] Dan, I don't know if you realize this, but TV is the new movies.

[2:57] Uh-huh.

[2:58] That's where the real stories are being told.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] Yeah.

[3:01] It was about...

[3:01] I came in in the middle.

[3:02] It seemed to be about a woman who used to be a prosecutor and now is a therapist,

[3:06] but she still somehow solves mysteries with the police.

[3:10] So I'm not sure how that works.

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] I think she solves mysteries using her acumen of the legal system and her natural tenacity.

[3:16] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] Well, no, okay.

[3:18] I stand corrected.

[3:21] I understand how she solves mysteries.

[3:22] I don't understand why she's solving mysteries.

[3:24] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] It's just hard to get out of that life, you know?

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:29] She has that tattoo on her tummy that says,

[3:30] question mark, life in gothic script.

[3:33] You know, it's hard to leave that mystery life.

[3:35] So, guys, we watched a movie called The Meg.

[3:37] We're going to talk about it.

[3:38] Okay.

[3:39] This movie is not about Meg Ryan unless Meg Ryan is a giant shark.

[3:42] Is she?

[3:43] We'll find out.

[3:44] I mean, I haven't seen her in a lot of movies lately.

[3:46] Like, did she become a shark?

Stuart Wellington

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:48] Did she do like a Benedict Bandersnatch type CGI adventure like they did for Smaug?

[3:55] Most of her body is made of cartilage, so...

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] That's true.

[3:59] That's true.

[3:59] She shares a lot of DNA with sharks, as we all do.

Stuart Wellington

[4:02] Somebody's been hitting Meg Ryan's IMDb profile page.

[4:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] Trivia.

[4:08] Made of cartilage.

[4:11] Now, The Meg is a story about a giant shark that attacks people.

[4:15] And it's like, I wonder why...

[4:16] This is such an original story.

[4:17] How have they never made a movie about a big shark that attacks people before?

[4:21] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[4:22] Wait, what?

[4:23] Why?

[4:24] I was in the middle of something.

[4:25] Why do you redirect towards me?

Elliott Kalan

[4:26] I thought you might know the answer why no one's made that giant shark movie.

[4:30] What Stewart just did is called Passing the Ball.

[4:32] It's an improv thing where you yes and what I just said, by which I mean you agree with

[4:37] my premise that no one has ever made a giant shark movie.

[4:40] The joke being that, of course, there are many shark movies, the most famous being Jaws

[4:43] and its sequels, a very famous movie that at one point was the most successful film of

[4:47] all time.

[4:48] And then you would and it by then adding to this hypothetical situation, the irony of which

[4:53] is, of course, that the audience is fully aware that Jaws exists.

[4:56] And that we're having a little bit of a goof.

[4:58] Now, Stewart, pass the ball to you.

[5:00] It's much like a game of basketball wherein...

Dan McCoy

[5:02] I feel like you were in the middle of a sentence in a bit and Stewart interrupted it to willfully

[5:07] redirect to me who had nothing to say and was distracted by a cat on the table.

Stuart Wellington

[5:12] You're probably thinking about Orca the Killer Whale and you're like, is that about a shark?

[5:17] No, I think in the title it says Killer Whale.

[5:20] That's not a shark.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] You were thinking about the movie Swimming with Sharks starring your favorite actor, Kevin

[5:24] Spacey.

[5:24] You love him as much today as you always do.

Dan McCoy

[5:26] I was going to say, starring your favorite actor, Frank Whaley.

Elliott Kalan

[5:29] I mean, I do love Frank Whaley.

[5:31] He's a really good actor.

[5:32] He's good.

[5:33] Now, it raises the question, have I seen Frank Whaley live on stage in a play?

[5:37] Yes, I have.

[5:38] In a play with Marissa Tomei.

[5:40] Anyway, we don't need to get into that, but it was a Wallace Shawn play.

[5:43] It was one of his earlier plays.

[5:43] Okay.

[5:44] So, Dan.

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:46] Shark movies.

[5:47] What's your favorite shark movie?

[5:49] If you say The Meg, I'll be very surprised.

Dan McCoy

[5:52] I mean, it's Jaws, right?

[5:54] It's got to be Jaws.

Elliott Kalan

[5:55] I think you mean a shark tail.

Dan McCoy

[5:58] Okay.

[5:58] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[6:00] I think you were thinking, when you said Jaws, we mean a shark tail.

[6:01] I was thinking of a shark tail.

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:04] So, The Meg is a, it's like, not really a thriller, because it's not, it's an action

[6:10] movie, and it has all the excitement you expect from a movie directed by John Turtletub,

[6:15] director of such thrilling action films as Cool Runnings and While You Were Sleeping, and Disney's

[6:20] the Kid.

[6:21] Uh-huh.

[6:21] Now, I don't know.

[6:23] Here's the, here's, I'm going to spoil a little something.

Stuart Wellington

[6:24] I feel like when you have a name that looks a lot like Turtle Tub, you're not, you're

[6:29] not going to be known for doing speedy action adventures.

Elliott Kalan

[6:32] No, but they probably thought that he was good for things that live in water.

[6:35] That's true.

[6:36] They're like, oh, yeah, yeah, like a tub of turtles, like on a street in Chinatown

[6:39] that someone's selling, just full of water, and there's turtles in it.

[6:42] Get a guy who knows water.

[6:43] Now, let me just say something about this.

[6:45] The Meg is a movie about a giant shark that is not scary at all.

[6:49] Mm-hmm.

[6:49] Do you guys feel that, that it was ever scary?

Dan McCoy

[6:51] Uh, you know, Elliot, I think this is my rule of things being too large.

[6:58] I need a catchier name for that rule, but let's just go with the rule of things being too

[7:02] large right now.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] Let's call it, uh, Dan's Fear of Large rule.

Stuart Wellington

[7:07] Yes.

[7:08] That's not any catchier.

[7:10] You're right.

Elliott Kalan

[7:11] Uh, what, what, uh, what's, what's a better name for it than, uh, uh, I mean, it could just

[7:16] be McCoy's Law.

[7:17] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[7:18] Which is that if a thing gets too large, it's not scary anymore.

[7:23] Uh, what about a tumor?

[7:24] A what?

[7:25] A tumor.

[7:26] Oh, a tumor.

[7:27] Yeah, all right.

[7:28] Well, what about, uh, what about a national deficit?

[7:31] You found the exception that proves the rule.

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] Uh, but you're right.

[7:35] I think you're right that once the shark is ludicrously large, it's no longer scary because

[7:40] it can't hide.

[7:42] Yeah.

[7:42] Like, the Meg is a movie where the shark can never, like, sneak up on somebody because it's

[7:46] the size of a train.

Stuart Wellington

[7:48] I believe this movie proves you incorrect on that one.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] I guess you're right.

[7:52] It's, uh, but these are very dumb people in the movie.

[7:55] Should we just jump into the water?

[7:56] Yeah, yeah.

[7:57] As it were, even.

[7:57] Let's jump in the deep end.

[7:58] Knowing that there's a giant Meg in it, which is, of course, as we all know, short for Megan

[8:03] McCain.

Stuart Wellington

[8:04] Yep.

[8:05] Daughter of John McCain.

[8:05] Megan Mullally.

[8:06] Megan Mullally.

[8:07] Uh, let's, let's jump in like former professional diver Jason Statham dives into the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[8:13] Yeah, he was her, and, and, and competitive swimmer, Jason Statham, in real life.

[8:17] So, that was the most interesting thing about this movie, was me thinking about Jason Statham

[8:20] as a competitive swimmer when he was younger.

[8:22] Okay.

[8:23] The movie starts when Jason Statham and his character, Jonas Taylor, because I think they

[8:27] needed a character whose first name was an anagram for the actor's first name, because he kept

[8:32] not knowing when it was his turn to talk.

[8:34] Mm-hmm.

[8:35] They would be, his character's originally, I assume, named Tom, and they were like, Tom,

[8:38] what are we going to do?

[8:39] And he would just be staring off into space.

[8:41] They go, Jason, Jason, we need a name that sounds more like Jason.

[8:44] What are we going to do?

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] And they probably want to tie it in with like Jonah and the whale.

[8:48] Oh, yeah.

[8:49] Good point.

[8:50] And also, uh, the Jonas brothers.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] Oh, I'm, can only assume.

[8:54] Yeah.

[8:54] Uh, so Jason Statham, Jonas Taylor, he's investigating a maritime wreck that has some survivors inside

[8:59] it.

[8:59] It's at the bottom of the sea.

[9:00] He's a deep sea rescue diver.

[9:02] But, uh-oh, something starts attacking the sunken sub that they're going in, and Jason Statham

[9:06] has to leave some of his men behind to save the rest.

[9:08] And he's accused of cowardice by a Dr. Heller, who is also-

Stuart Wellington

[9:12] Or having, or having like a deep madness.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] Yeah.

[9:14] And now, like, the person I was watching this movie with, uh, they pointed out that-

[9:20] Wait, was their name Meg?

Elliott Kalan

[9:21] Was it Meg Ryan?

Dan McCoy

[9:22] Yeah, it was Meg Ryan.

[9:23] Was it Meg Ryan?

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] Was she like, oh, am I in this?

[9:25] Great.

[9:25] I love watching things I'm in, like in the cut.

Dan McCoy

[9:27] I kept poking her to make sure that, uh, I was right that her skin was made mostly of

[9:32] cartilage.

[9:32] And I was.

[9:33] Okay.

[9:34] Uh, but, no, she pointed out that, uh, the submarine that the rescuing the people from

[9:41] blows up immediately after the rescue happens.

[9:45] Uh-huh.

[9:45] And the guy's like, we could have saved everyone.

[9:47] Why didn't you save everyone?

[9:48] And it's just like, well, you can see with your eyes that the submarine just fucking blew

[9:52] up, like, immediately after this happened.

[9:54] Yeah.

[9:55] I don't know.

[9:55] It just seemed like this guy spends most of the time, uh, judging Jason Statham for no

[10:00] reason whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[10:02] I feel like there's plenty of other reasons to judge Jonas Taylor.

[10:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Well, he's, he's the character who exists only to help put, only to not believe the main

[10:12] character.

[10:13] I mean, Jason Statham does say that a giant prehistoric shark or some kind of giant monster

[10:18] attacked the sub.

[10:19] And he's like, eh, you imagined it.

[10:22] You, uh, you're just a scary, you're just scared of everything.

[10:24] But that character basically just exists.

[10:26] So Jason Statham can have like a critic that he has to push back against.

[10:30] Uh, much like I assume he pushed back against the critics who saw the Meg, who I don't think

[10:35] gave it very many good reviews.

[10:36] Okay.

[10:37] Uh, then cut to, I guess the present or the future.

[10:41] It's unclear.

[10:42] I mean, it's, it's five years later.

[10:43] It is five years later.

[10:44] Okay.

[10:45] Uh, uh, there's a helicopter that flies to an offshore research station using at minimum

[10:49] a hundred different shots.

[10:51] It's like that part in taken where Liam Neeson jumps over a fence and they use like 15 or

[10:55] 16 different shots.

[10:56] It's like that with this helicopter.

[10:58] It's just like so many different shots, this helicopter.

[11:01] And you're like, I get it.

[11:02] You rented a helicopter.

[11:03] You wanted to make the most of it.

[11:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] Sometimes, sometimes it requires a lot of different angles in order to make, uh, to make Liam

[11:11] Neeson's body appear like it's moving at any kind of speed.

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] Uh, now in the, the helicopters delivering rain Wilson, who is a billionaire who has been

[11:20] funding a Marine biology station run by a Dr. Zhang and his daughter, who is a Marine

[11:25] biologist and his daughter's daughter, who is a little girl who is somehow at a Marine

[11:30] biology underwater experimental station that is at risk of being attacked by a giant shark.

Dan McCoy

[11:35] I mean, Ellie, you know how much it costs to have childcare.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] Yeah, that's true.

[11:40] That's very true.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] She's a single parent, Elliot.

[11:43] Her husband ran off with a Pilates instructor.

Elliott Kalan

[11:46] Yep.

[11:46] They do make that very clear.

[11:48] Uh, I mean, it's, I, maybe it was take your daughter to work life.

Stuart Wellington

[11:53] Oh man.

[11:54] Good thing you weren't on that research stage and they would have been cracking up.

Elliott Kalan

[11:57] Oh, they would have been.

[11:58] I mean, I would have been like, it's good thing we're underwater because there's a lot

[12:01] of burns going on down here.

[12:03] Uh, yep.

[12:03] So anyway, they look at some whales to impress the billionaire and the billionaire is introduced

[12:07] to the whole crew of the station at once.

[12:09] It's a ton of characters to get to know and I'm not going to bother naming them now.

[12:13] Uh, there's a sense, but I will mention there's like, there's just a whole crew of people.

[12:17] We'll meet them as we go on.

[12:18] Anyway, there, he has been funding their investigation of the Marianas Trench, which Dr. Zhang believes

[12:24] is actually deeper than anyone thinks.

[12:26] Oh, cool.

[12:36] A, a, a, an aquatic savage land, if you will.

Dan McCoy

[12:39] Yeah.

[12:40] Which is something that he explains to the billionaire.

[12:42] And I'm just like, what has the billionaire thought he's been funding?

Elliott Kalan

[12:47] Like, why does he need to?

[12:48] He thought it was like the next Snapchat.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:51] Like, uh, this will let people send pictures of themselves underwater and put animations

[12:54] on it, right?

[12:55] Uh, yeah, sure.

[12:57] I'm going to, I think we should go IPO.

[12:59] Before we do that, why don't you fly over and see what we actually do?

[13:03] Yeah.

[13:03] You'd think he would know all that stuff.

[13:05] Uh, there's a lot of maritime exploring that you see.

[13:08] And, uh, they, they go through that, they go through that, that barrier and they find,

[13:13] oh, it is a lost world.

[13:14] There's lots of fish here.

[13:15] And for a while I was like, oh, did James Cameron make this?

[13:18] Because it's certainly thinks we love seeing coral and fish forever.

[13:22] Yeah.

[13:22] And the music is like, makes it, is like, ah, like it's as if this is the most amazing

[13:28] discovery.

[13:28] When to be honest, I couldn't tell the difference between what they found and the normal bottom

[13:33] of the sea.

Stuart Wellington

[13:34] It was like, I couldn't see why this was special.

[13:35] They weren't introducing, they weren't introducing any kind of like deep sea life that we haven't

[13:39] seen before.

Elliott Kalan

[13:40] No, there weren't like mermaids and like gnar octopuses or anything like that.

Stuart Wellington

[13:45] I mean, I feel like the music was mainly there because if you look around, there's no garbage

[13:49] to be seen at all.

[13:51] You're like, oh wow, the sea's clean again.

Elliott Kalan

[13:54] This is amazing.

[13:55] It's not full of tires.

[13:56] I guess that was, that's worth a miracle sound.

[13:59] Uh oh, something attacks the sub and disables it.

[14:02] It's at 11,000 feet underwater and they only have 18 hours to save it before it runs out

[14:06] of oxygen.

[14:06] Only one man's ever pulled off a rescue that deep.

[14:09] Hey Dan, one guess who it is?

Dan McCoy

[14:11] Uh, Jimmy Stewart.

[14:13] That's right.

[14:13] America's sweetheart.

Elliott Kalan

[14:14] Jimmy Stewart.

[14:15] Let me at that trench.

[14:17] Not a character, but the actor Jimmy Stewart.

[14:20] They have to dig up his body and reanimate him so that he can reenact his amazing dive,

[14:26] deep sea dive rescue that he did, I guess, between the making of the man who knew too much

[14:30] and Vertigo when he was, you know, an older man, but he was in that prime of life.

[14:34] And so he's like, well, I see you got a problem with a submarine as a blob of the ocean.

[14:38] What were you doing down there looking for some kind of lost world?

[14:42] And, uh, they say, oh no, yeah, it's you, you, we went through this barrier and there's

[14:46] a whole warm world down there.

[14:48] It's volcanic vents and stuff.

[14:49] And he's like, well, as you'll find any interesting new types of life?

[14:52] And they go, no, it looks exactly like the rest of the ocean.

[14:55] He's like, well, that was a waste of my time.

[14:57] And he killed himself.

[14:58] So he wouldn't help them with the deep sea dive.

Dan McCoy

[15:00] So now of course it's Jason Statham, which, uh, brings up a problem I have with movies

[15:06] like this, which is like the whole opening sequence.

[15:08] Like why does Jason Statham need to have a backstory with this shark already?

[15:13] Like, can't the movie just be about how Jason Statham encounters a huge shark?

[15:17] Why does it have to be like some sort of redemption for his past rescues?

Elliott Kalan

[15:23] Uh, TTIP, this time it's personal.

[15:25] Oh, I see.

[15:26] Yeah.

[15:26] Also, uh, PYT, personal young thing.

[15:30] Mm-hmm.

[15:32] Uh, but it's, I think that's a good, well, it's because they want to set up the idea

[15:35] that Jason Statham is now a wreck of a man and he refuses the job because he's had this

[15:40] bad experience, but now amazing shape.

[15:43] He has a beer a day.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] Yeah.

[15:44] They find him in Thailand and he's in a bar just hanging out, looking amazing, drinking

[15:50] arguably one beer a day, maybe two.

[15:53] Uh, but man, he's just so caught up and he gets on his little mini bike and he's driving

[15:58] through town, like smiling at all the kids that are walking by.

[16:01] I love him.

Elliott Kalan

[16:01] They're like, Jonas, Jonas, we love you.

[16:04] You're the most famous man in Thailand.

Stuart Wellington

[16:06] I could have watched like 20 more minutes of this.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] I mean, it was the most entertaining part of the movie, but you're right, Dan, especially

[16:12] why do they go to all that trouble then to show that Jonas is enjoying life and not really

[16:17] dealing with his demons at all?

[16:18] Yeah.

[16:19] It's like they're going through the motions of, oh, he needs a redemption story and also

[16:24] we need to have him be reluctant to take on this mission, but he does it right away.

[16:29] He barely rejects it because the captain of that submarine that got crushed, it's his

[16:33] ex-wife, Lori.

[16:34] Uh-oh.

[16:36] Never marry someone who's in the same deep sea diving profession that you are.

[16:40] That just goes without saying.

[16:42] Look, you never want to marry someone in the same profession that you're in, unless I guess

[16:45] you're the Coen brothers and you just work together so well that you get married.

[16:49] Or you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[16:51] Well, but you each have your his and hers bars.

[16:53] Like I'll never get back behind the bar.

[16:56] Somebody's trapped behind the bar.

[16:58] It's your wife.

[17:00] Uh-oh.

[17:00] I'm getting back behind that bar.

[17:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] Anyway, in the submarine, they managed to get the lights back on in the crushed sub, but

[17:07] it attracts the monster and Lori gets stabbed by something.

[17:11] I'm not quite sure what it was.

Stuart Wellington

[17:12] I missed this because this was when I was Googling, are sharks attracted to light?

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] Well, and that's, and something that is made clear, apparently, I was reading about the

[17:20] movie.

[17:21] Something that's made clear in the book is that living at the bottom of the ocean, the

[17:24] shark does not have strong eyes.

[17:26] Like its eyes are very weak and it cannot handle sunlight.

[17:29] So you'd think it would go away from light, but instead it's attracted to it and wants to

[17:33] eat it.

[17:33] But I mean, you do have like angler fishes use lights to attract fish to eat them.

[17:38] So I guess it might be attracted by light.

[17:39] Now, Dan, you were saying, what does she get stabbed by?

Dan McCoy

[17:41] The submersible gets jostled around by whatever it is and she gets stabbed by it.

[17:46] By whatever it is.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] It's the Meg, Dan.

[17:47] You don't believe it?

[17:49] What are you, like Dr. Hillary?

[17:50] You're a Meg doubter?

[17:52] You're the Alex Jones of Meg's?

Dan McCoy

[17:54] She gets stabbed by a screwdriver.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] Oh, I see.

[17:57] Like an orange juice and vodka?

[17:59] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] Well, I'm impressed that you're familiar with that drink, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] I really only know it because they mention it, I think, in a Fawlty Towers episode.

[18:06] They do.

[18:07] Yeah.

[18:08] In the Waldorf salad episode, I believe.

[18:10] Now, it's also the only reason I know that a Waldorf salad has apples and grapes and nuts

[18:13] in it, I think, is because they mention it in the episode.

[18:15] Okay.

[18:16] Now, she's stabbed and they're leaking oxygen.

[18:19] Oh, boy.

[18:19] The biologist, the daughter of Dr. Zhang, Suyin, she leaves her young daughter on the

[18:23] station so she can use a sea glider to go after the sub.

[18:27] Statham shows up, bonds with the precocious little girl for a moment, and then makes his

[18:31] own dive.

[18:31] He sets his submarine to extreme danger and then turns off the communication system even though

[18:37] they still work.

Stuart Wellington

[18:38] Yeah.

[18:38] He cracks open a bag of Doritos, slams the fucking Powerade.

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] Yeah.

[18:43] He does the do and then it just gets going.

[18:46] But they make a big deal out.

[18:47] He's like, I'm diverting all the power to, I don't know, my boosters so I can drop faster.

[18:52] They're like, that's very dangerous.

[18:53] He goes, I'm cutting the comms.

[18:54] But then his sub is fine and also they can still talk to him.

[18:58] So it doesn't, I don't get what was happening there.

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] Can we, I feel like this is a good time to address the quality of communication equipment

[19:06] in this movie.

[19:07] They go deeper than anyone's ever gone before.

[19:11] And they have crystal clear fucking comms.

[19:15] Audio and visual.

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] Yeah.

[19:17] It's wild.

[19:18] They have better reception at the bottom of the ocean than you and I and Dan have with

[19:22] this Skype call.

[19:24] Yeah.

[19:25] And it, but I mean, maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[19:27] So what you're saying is that they should just start a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] Yeah.

[19:31] It should be called, uh, I don't know.

[19:33] First they need, first they need three white guys.

[19:36] Uh, and they have to send them to the bottom of the ocean to talk about, I guess, like unsolved

[19:41] crimes or like true life murders.

[19:44] And they call it like, and they call it like, uh, uh, soggy corpse boys or something like

[19:49] that.

[19:50] And they're like, here's something that happened to real people and they, it ruins their lives.

[19:55] But we think it's kind of funny and we've never really dealt with too much conflict in

[19:59] our own life.

[20:00] So we don't empathize with them anyway.

[20:02] Or maybe it's called like, it's called like a chapeau sub house.

[20:05] Oh wow.

[20:07] Taking a shot.

[20:08] They're underwater and they have very, uh, strong feelings about politics.

[20:14] That are like not always rooted in fact, but then who's are anyway.

[20:19] So, but, uh, they have a, this movie, it's so the technology in it is so shiny and so

[20:24] perfect that it made me wonder, it looks more like, uh, star Wars stuff.

[20:29] It like, it looks like they're on, what's the, what's the cloning planet that they go

[20:33] to in the prequels?

[20:33] Camino.

[20:34] It looks like they're on El Camino and like, they have just amazing shiny.

[20:40] This is the shiniest movie about a shark.

[20:41] Like it's hard to be scared of anything when it's so brightly lit everywhere and

[20:45] everything is just so shiny and new looking.

Dan McCoy

[20:49] They're being funded by Rainn Wilson, the world's most unlikely billionaire.

[20:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] They never explained why he's a billionaire and he's also such a bumbling oath most of

[20:58] the time that it's like, I mean like he's a caricature of like a billionaire who

[21:01] doesn't shave and wears t-shirts and stuff, but it's the whole time I was like, I

[21:05] don't, I don't know what you had made money and I don't understand it.

[21:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:09] Uh, so we have a giant squid attack and then all of a sudden the giant squid gets

[21:15] killed and you're like, what could kill a giant squid?

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] And Statham says it's a, it's a Megalodon.

[21:21] It's the Meg.

[21:22] It's a prehistoric shark.

[21:23] And they're not really, it's all pretty, my note here is it's all pretty casual and

[21:27] not spooky or scary.

[21:29] Like there's no, there's no real tension.

[21:31] It's just like a squid.

[21:32] Ah, here comes the shark.

[21:34] Oh, it's a Megalodon.

[21:35] Oh, okay.

[21:35] Well, we got this big shark to deal with.

[21:37] What are we going to do guys?

Stuart Wellington

[21:38] Uh, it's, it's kind of tough cause you don't, you don't see it next to a normal style shark

[21:43] right away.

[21:44] So at first I'm like, that ain't that big.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] That's actually, that's a very good point.

[21:49] The scale of the shark until the end of the movie, I never really got a sense of how big

[21:53] it was for that reason.

[21:55] There's not a lot to compare it to in the ocean.

[21:58] And until the end when the shark seems to be about 7 million feet long and it's just eating

[22:04] up an entire beachfront with its mouth.

[22:06] Like, I mean, this thing is like, they should have made the shark so big that it was like

[22:09] eating islands and things like that.

[22:10] Then maybe it would be a little scary, but it just seems like a slightly larger than average

[22:15] shark and not like, yeah.

[22:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:16] If it was so big that like people started worshiping it and then you had to deal with

[22:20] sea madness and somehow it would like, it would spit out gold coins and then people would

[22:26] harvest those gold and whatever, you know, you know.

[22:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:29] And the only way to kill it, the only, the only way to kill it is to jump up through its

[22:33] cloaca and get to one of its three hearts.

[22:35] And, uh, you have to wrap a magic scroll that was blessed by a priest around it.

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] But when you're deep, when you're deep inside its body, time kind of slows down.

[22:44] It enters a different dimension.

Elliott Kalan

[22:46] Yeah.

[22:47] Oh, and you're, and the Meg uses its, its mega shark brain to send all of your own fears

[22:52] back at you and make you relive the worst moments of your life.

[22:55] Uh, very, uh, like, you know, into the, at the end of into the spider verse kind of,

[22:59] that's basically what should happen inside the Meg.

[23:02] Spoiler alert.

[23:03] Spoiler alert.

[23:04] Uh, someone has to relive something at the end of into the spider verse.

[23:07] Uh, Jason Statham, he diverts the Megalodon with, by firing some flares off and Suyin

[23:11] escapes back to the station.

[23:12] Great.

[23:13] Jonas pulls Lori into his sub, uh, and also a big guy called the wall.

[23:17] Uh, but their other crew member Toshi, he sacrifices himself so he can get away.

[23:22] They can get away.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Played by the guy from heroes, right?

[23:25] Uh huh.

Elliott Kalan

[23:25] Yes.

[23:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:26] And so this was a moment where they lost one of their team literally because when they

[23:32] first open up the hatch, Jason stayed them like bullshits with his ex-wife for a little

[23:37] bit.

[23:37] Like they tell some fucking jokes.

[23:39] If they hadn't done that, they would have been fine.

Elliott Kalan

[23:41] Yeah.

[23:41] There's, there's a real lack of, uh, urgency with almost everything in a movie in the movie,

[23:47] but also especially with this last minute rescue while they are afraid a giant shark might

[23:51] come back to them.

[23:53] Uh, the, uh, Toshi is destroyed.

[23:55] I think the sub explodes again and Suyin blames Statham for Toshi's death.

[24:00] But Dr. Heller apologizes to Jonas because there was a giant shark.

[24:04] He was wrong.

[24:05] And he goes, you may be crazy.

[24:07] You may be a jerk, but you're no coward.

Dan McCoy

[24:09] But it seems like someone always has to be like one person has to be angry at Jason Statham

[24:14] at a time.

[24:15] Like they just subbed out one person for another person.

Elliott Kalan

[24:18] Well, that's the law of conservation of anger at Jason Statham.

[24:21] Yeah.

[24:21] Where anger at Jason Statham can neither be created nor destroyed.

[24:24] There's a set amount of it in the universe and it has to be passed from person to person.

[24:28] And that's why by the end of the movie, spoiler alert, Suyin is now in a relationship kind

[24:32] of with Jason Statham.

[24:33] But that's because the anger had been passed to me being angry at Jason Statham for being

[24:38] such a big star that I guess he could get this movie finally greenlit and made by being

[24:42] attached to it.

[24:43] The next day, Suyin apologizes to a just showered Jason Statham who's wearing a towel and his

[24:48] body, I have to say, is frankly horrifying to me.

[24:51] Like it is.

[24:52] There's a certain point when somebody is their muscles are so worked out that they no longer

[24:58] appear like a pleasing human shape.

[25:00] And I was like, how do I explain his body?

[25:02] Because I should say he's in really good shape, but he's not the shape he's healthy.

[25:05] But the shape of his body is not good.

[25:07] Like it has some his abs have some kind of non Euclidean geometry that I could not stare

[25:12] at for too long for fear that I would lose control of my sanity and become not but another

[25:17] gibbering victim of Jason Statham's abs.

[25:19] So did it strike you guys the same way or was it just me?

Stuart Wellington

[25:23] I mean, I took a picture and that's going to be my inspirational photo I look at every

[25:26] time before I go to the gym.

Elliott Kalan

[25:28] Oh, OK.

[25:28] That's fair.

[25:29] Then I apologize for what I said.

Stuart Wellington

[25:31] No, you can you can feel that way.

[25:33] I mean, Elliot, sometimes you just have to suck it up and understand that's what an ideal

[25:37] male body looks like.

Elliott Kalan

[25:38] I guess so.

[25:39] I just I didn't realize that an ideal male body would be so like lumpy and sharp.

Stuart Wellington

[25:44] Yeah.

[25:45] Very sharp.

[25:45] It's got to be super vascular.

[25:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] That's what we're all going for is that vascular look because we all want to look like Swamp

[25:54] Thing but colored pink.

[25:55] Yeah.

[25:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:57] Yeah.

[25:57] Start with Swamp Thing and work backwards.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] Yeah.

[26:00] So it's like you go I go to the gym and I'm talking to my personal trainer and they're like,

[26:03] do you have like yeah, do you have like an ideal image?

[26:05] And I show them Swamp Thing and I'm like, add a nose onto that.

[26:08] And.

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Yeah, because at first they start sweating, they're like, oh, fuck, how am I going to

[26:14] deal?

[26:15] How am I going to give him face tendrils?

Elliott Kalan

[26:16] How am I going to remove his nose and also have all those rutabagas growing out of his

[26:22] shoulder?

Stuart Wellington

[26:22] How am I going to how am I going to remove everything that actually makes him human and

[26:27] replace it with him being a sentient plant that just thinks he's human?

Elliott Kalan

[26:31] Yeah.

[26:32] And they're like, OK, well, we have a work.

[26:34] Like we have SoulCycle class that gets you in touch with the green.

[26:37] OK.

[26:40] They're like, now, how open are you to just wearing a big rubber latex suit and pretending

[26:47] that it's your body?

[26:48] And I'm like, hey, whatever gets me the babes.

[26:51] Am I right?

[26:51] And then I high five the personal trainer and then he goes back to the office and he's like,

[26:55] can somebody else handle this guy?

[26:57] Because I.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] I'm not.

[26:58] I'm not into his toxic masculinity.

[27:00] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] I have moral reasons for not wanting to deal with this.

[27:03] And eventually it just becomes me being the guy who hangs out in the locker room wearing

[27:06] a T-shirt but no pants and just kind of like always stretching.

[27:10] And just kind of maybe even rolling deodorant on my undercarriage in front of other guys.

Stuart Wellington

[27:14] I do like the idea of a personal trainer who on the first like first session every time

[27:19] he's like, so we could work out or now stick with me.

[27:24] And then he pulls out one of those like fake muscle suits and he's like, you can just wear

[27:29] this.

Elliott Kalan

[27:32] He's like, now, okay, you just got the, you don't have the gold package.

[27:36] You just got the bronze package.

[27:38] So you don't get the full suit, but I'll help you arrange this pillow under your shirt so

[27:41] it looks like pecs.

[27:42] And I'm like, it keeps falling and looking like a belly.

[27:45] Hey man, upgrade to the silver package and maybe I can help you with it.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] Yeah, yeah.

[27:48] Maybe people assume it's a gas tank for a love machine.

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] So I assume that's what happened.

[27:54] That's what like Jack LaLanne would do, right?

[27:56] Yeah.

[27:58] So anyway, which Jack LaLanne's name in Spanish just means the lane.

[28:03] Oh, no kidding.

[28:04] Okay, cool.

[28:04] Yeah.

[28:05] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] Wouldn't that be French?

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] I mean, la LA.

[28:09] Okay.

[28:09] Yeah, you're right.

[28:10] Sorry, you're right.

[28:11] In French though, it also means the lane.

[28:12] It's a cognate.

[28:13] So Suyin explains to everyone else what a Megalodon is with, I have to admit, some pretty

[28:17] boss illustrations of a Megalodon eating things.

Dan McCoy

[28:18] Yeah, I was like, what is this program that they're using?

[28:22] I mean, Google search, I assume.

[28:24] And I do love how in the-

[28:25] But they seem to have this like queued up pretty quick.

Stuart Wellington

[28:28] And they have in the, while they're giving the speech about how, you know, what the Megalodon

[28:33] is and how they have to do it for their fallen brother Toshi, there's a picture of Toshi

[28:39] in the upper corner of the screen.

[28:42] They're like, you gotta remember him.

Dan McCoy

[28:44] Just start, because they've already forgotten him.

Elliott Kalan

[28:46] Now we can learn, so we've learned a couple of the members of the crew.

[28:49] There's Lori, who's in the hospital now.

[28:51] Toshi, deceased.

[28:52] The Wall, who's a big fat guy with a ponytail.

[28:55] The other person I think we haven't met yet is DJ, who is the black member of the crew.

[29:01] And I'm just going to call out, guys, there's a whole bit later about how he can't swim.

[29:05] And he accuses someone else of being racist because he can't swim.

[29:09] It doesn't make sense.

[29:10] I'm not going to get into it.

[29:12] I got into enough trouble on Reddit when I mentioned it in the Humanity Bureau, so I'm

[29:16] not going to mention how totally crazy that stereotype is they played into.

[29:20] Okay.

[29:20] So, Rainn Wilson is like, we need to go after that Megalodon and make money off of it.

[29:26] And Jonas is like, no.

[29:27] The Meg is unstoppable.

[29:29] Now, the rest of the movie proves Jason Statham wrong because the Meg proves to be completely

[29:35] stoppable.

[29:36] But also Rainn Wilson gets proved wrong.

[29:38] And I guess we'll see how he gets his comeuppance.

[29:40] Now, while they argue the show is like...

Dan McCoy

[29:41] I'm also like, I'm a little unsure what Rainn Wilson thinks is marketable about the Meg.

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] I mean, maybe he thinks it's full of blubber oil and he can sell it for lamps.

[29:52] Yeah.

[29:53] I mean, it's not...

Dan McCoy

[29:54] This is not like Deep Blue Sea where they're searching for an Alzheimer's cure by enlarging

[29:59] sharks.

[30:00] There's no inherent value in a large shark here.

Elliott Kalan

[30:03] Well, he's like, imagine the size of that fin.

[30:06] Imagine how much soup at a Chinese wedding I could be serving if I had a fin that size.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] There's a...

[30:12] And there's a...

[30:13] Around now is when they have a little sequence where the granddaughter of the head research

[30:20] guy, Mai Young, I think is her name, is wandering through the glass-lined tube hallways with her

[30:28] light-up shoes and light-up toy that looks like a BB-8 without a head.

[30:33] And she's wearing little angel wings and she walks around and there's tons of shit just

[30:37] sitting around these hallways.

[30:38] It's like blocking her toy.

[30:40] And then we see floating up behind her, behind the glass, we got a creepy shark sneaking up

[30:48] on her and it's a giant Megalodon face and then it bites the glass and it's awesome, right?

[30:54] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[30:55] Totally, totally cool.

[30:57] And then it's a whale.

Stuart Wellington

[30:58] I do like that we...

[30:58] Yeah, we get like a little shark cam for a second where it's like the shark is sneaking

[31:02] up on her.

[31:03] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:04] You're supposed to wonder who it is.

[31:05] Is that Michael Myers swimming through the water to get to the station?

[31:09] Dan, before we get to the rest of the movie, I think there was a deleted...

[31:12] I actually watched the DVD and there was a deleted scene that kind of explains how he

[31:16] was going to make money where Rainn Wilson makes a secret phone call to...

[31:20] There's like this person who's in the shadows.

[31:22] You can't see their face.

[31:23] And they're like, I need more cartilage.

[31:25] Get me more cartilage.

[31:27] He was like, I can get you a shark.

[31:28] I need more cartilage than a regular shark.

[31:30] And then hangs up and she turns and it's Meg Ryan.

[31:33] Okay.

[31:34] So that kind of explains how he's going to make money off the Meg.

Stuart Wellington

[31:37] And they were planning on throwing the title card up right there.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] Yeah, yeah.

[31:41] So that's why there's also a deleted scene at the very end where we learn that she is

[31:47] breeding Megalodons and she turns to the camera and goes, I'm the Meg.

[31:50] That's the end of it.

[31:51] I'm the real Meg.

[31:53] And then she cocks a shotgun for some reason.

[31:55] Yeah.

[31:56] So while they're arguing, the shark tries to eat my ying or my yang.

[32:00] I also forgot what her name is exactly.

[32:02] Meg is just attacking boats now on the open seas because she's loose like a goose.

[32:06] And she wrecks a shark poaching boat and the good guys find it and it's like they think

[32:11] there's some kind of like she did it on purpose for poetic justice.

[32:14] I love it.

[32:15] And the Megalodon knew it was a shark poaching boat.

Stuart Wellington

[32:16] I love the idea of turning the Megalodon into that kind of like horror movie villain who's

[32:21] also kind of a hero.

[32:23] Like, yeah, Freddy Krueger's bad, but he also kills assholes sometimes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:28] Well, and he's getting revenge on being murdered.

[32:31] Although I guess he was murdered because he was a child molester.

[32:33] Really, there's no good people in the Nightmare on Elm Street universe.

Stuart Wellington

[32:39] Oh, wow.

[32:41] Except, of course, who?

Elliott Kalan

[32:43] His brother, Eddie Krueger.

Stuart Wellington

[32:45] Okay.

[32:46] Eddie and the Kruegers?

[32:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:48] Of the band Eddie and the Kruegers.

[32:52] So now Jason Statham, he's got to swim up to the shark and hit it with a tracking dart.

[32:57] The Meg almost eats him.

[32:58] One of several times that the Meg almost eats him to the point where I think he's like yawn,

[33:02] ho-hum, almost eaten by a shark.

[33:04] Suyin goes down in a plastic shark tank to try to attract the Meg and shoot it full of poison,

[33:09] but it tries to swallow the cage and Statham has to dive in and save her.

[33:14] And you keep thinking the Meg is finally going to eat one of these characters.

[33:17] And up to this point, he just will not do it.

[33:20] Oh, I forgot.

[33:21] There's another.

[33:21] There's this woman who's like the hacker on board.

[33:24] Yeah, Ruby Rose.

[33:25] Ruby Rose, yeah.

[33:26] Ruby Rose, who is like-

Stuart Wellington

[33:28] She's like your go-to person if you need a cool assassin or a hacker or, I don't know,

[33:35] a tattoo haver.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] Yeah, she just kind of stepped out of Johnny Mnemonic.

[33:39] I mean, Flophouse listeners will remember her from Triple X Return of Xander Cage.

[33:43] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[33:44] And John Wick 2.

[33:46] Two Shades of John Wick.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] Yeah, John Wick 2, Blue Orchid, or whatever it was.

[33:54] Yeah, Wild Orchid.

[33:55] Wild Orchid.

[33:56] What was the blue one I'm thinking about?

[33:58] Blue Jasmine.

[33:59] Oh, what's Blue Jasmine?

[34:01] That's what I was thinking.

[34:01] John Wick 2, Blue Jasmine.

[34:05] Which is actually about John Wick, his mental breakdown, after he turns in his husband for

[34:12] insider trading or whatever it was.

[34:14] Okay, so once again, Jason Statham's got a saver and almost gets eaten by the Meg.

[34:19] Suyin and Jonas narrowly escape, but you know what?

[34:22] They catch the Meg.

[34:24] Then another Meg shows up!

[34:26] Ah!

[34:27] So there's more than one Meg, is I guess what I'm saying.

[34:30] Mm-hmm.

[34:31] They catch the Meg and they have it rigged up on a chain and the wall is like taking a goofy

[34:37] novelty picture with it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:38] Once again, the wall is the name of a character, not like a physical wall.

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] Yeah, it's not, they didn't hold up a copy of the album The Wall or anything like that.

[34:46] And it's not this wall we've been hearing about in the news all this time.

[34:50] Topical.

[34:50] Anyway.

[34:52] And then another Meg shows up, capsizes the boat, DJ reveals he can't swim.

[34:58] The wall finally is dead, eaten by a shark like the giant meatball that he is.

[35:02] He's like, let's be honest.

Dan McCoy

[35:07] Ali's like, he's fulfilled his destiny as a larger man to be eaten by a shark.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] Look, let me just say, a man that large has no right going into a submarine, which by its

[35:19] very nature is a confined space that does not have a lot of air in it.

[35:22] And two, going into the ocean where he is essentially just a floating meatball for a shark.

Stuart Wellington

[35:27] I'm seeing the first day of his personal training and the personal trainer's like, but now we

[35:33] might want to consider option C. Why don't we lean into being a meatball?

Dan McCoy

[35:40] All right.

[35:41] I guess put it on the internet.

[35:43] Elliot thinks larger people should be eaten by sharks.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] Dan, I didn't say that.

[35:47] I said larger people should not go into submarines.

[35:49] That's a different thing.

[35:51] And that also to a shark's point of view, let's say you're a shark, Dan.

[35:54] You're just swimming around, let's say walking around.

[35:56] Double down on it.

[35:58] Just walking around like Jabberjaw on your tailpins.

[36:01] And you see a normal human shape and you're like, eh, doesn't look like food to me.

[36:07] And then you see kind of like a really big round guy.

[36:10] Jabberjaw would be like, ah, a meatball.

[36:12] Nyack, nyack, nyack.

[36:13] And go and eat it.

[36:14] And then he'd have human blood all over his face while he plays with the Neptunes when

[36:18] they're opening for Eddie and the Krugers in some kind of nostalgia tour.

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] Elliot's trying really hard to convince us that larger people should be eaten like meatballs

[36:28] by sharks.

[36:28] I don't know if it's working.

Dan McCoy

[36:31] Now, why didn't Jabberjaw eat the other members of this band if he was going to eat any people?

[36:36] Like, they're right there.

[36:38] He's earned their trust and now he can snap the trap.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] Do you know how long it took him to assemble just the right elements for that band?

[36:49] Oh, okay.

[36:50] It takes chemistry.

[36:51] It takes a shared sonic profile but with a little bit of contrast.

[36:55] It takes getting characters who are very clearly knockoffs of the Scooby-Doo gang because he

[36:59] didn't want to work that hard at it.

[37:01] Yeah.

[37:01] At that point, if he's going to eat them, then where does his band go?

[37:05] Does he become a solo artist?

[37:06] You really think anyone's going to buy tickets to go see Jabberjaw just wailing on the drums

[37:09] by himself?

[37:10] He's not Ginger Baker, Dan.

[37:12] He's no Ginger Baker.

Stuart Wellington

[37:14] He is a shark.

Elliott Kalan

[37:17] So you're saying people would pay money to see a shark play the drums?

[37:21] Yeah.

[37:22] Okay.

[37:23] Well, that's a solid – that's probably very true.

[37:25] Okay.

[37:25] I'll give you that.

[37:26] Also, let me keep in mind also the shark talks and he sounds like Curly from the Three

[37:30] Stooges.

[37:30] Do you think that would still be enough novelty for someone to pay for a ticket?

Stuart Wellington

[37:37] What's that?

[37:38] Is there any additional novelty?

[37:39] Does occasionally a Martian character show up or a Captain Caveman?

Elliott Kalan

[37:43] Oh, yeah.

[37:43] He also – yeah.

[37:44] And he solves mysteries and maybe he's a wacky racer.

[37:46] Yeah.

[37:47] So –

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] So, like at this point in the movie, we're about halfway through.

[37:52] This is the point where –

[37:53] And I think the movie's kind of leaning – I mean, I guess we now have characters really

[37:58] starting to die.

[38:00] But, like, it's also kind of leaning into this, like, rom-com subplot, right?

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] Yeah, between Jason Statham and Suyin, where they're falling in love.

[38:09] Meanwhile, Suyin's dad, Dr. Zhang, he's injured.

[38:13] He's – that's not good.

[38:14] And Dr. Heller, who hated Jonas Taylor all this time, sacrifices himself to save Ruby Rose from the shark.

[38:22] And this is the part where, as Stuart said, the scariest thing happened in the movie.

[38:26] I noticed there were still 40 minutes left in its runtime.

[38:30] But, yeah, they'll take – they'll have all these characters die.

[38:33] And then they'll suddenly have the characters just kind of – the living characters banter with each other.

[38:36] Like, a bunch of characters die, and Ruby Rose is soaked from being in the ocean, almost eaten by a shark.

[38:42] And DJ is like, hey, what happened to your hair?

[38:44] And I want her to be like, did you just see what the hell happened to me?

[38:47] I was almost eaten by a shark in the ocean, and then a man gave his life to save me.

[38:52] But then you'll have Jonas and Suyin kind of bantering.

Stuart Wellington

[38:54] The guy who, at this point, is probably more necessary than her because he, like –

[38:59] Oh, the doctor?

[38:59] They specifically say, we need a doctor.

[39:01] And then the doctor's like, my life is better given as a shark treat.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] It's like, yeah, I better save this hacker so she can be in other movies as a cool dude.

[39:11] They all leave on speedboat rafts.

Stuart Wellington

[39:14] And the speedboats were procured by Jason Statham's friend named Mac,

[39:21] which I think if you're going to make a movie called The Meg,

[39:25] probably not name another main character Mac because they sound very similar.

Elliott Kalan

[39:29] You're saying each time he said Mac, you thought he was talking directly to The Meg and asking him for help?

[39:35] You were like, they should have called this movie The Mac and been about him.

[39:39] There should have been no movies called that, right?

[39:41] Of course there is.

Dan McCoy

[39:42] This is the studio note that Stuart would have given.

[39:45] He's just like, otherwise, script is perfect.

[39:47] Perfect.

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] See, I think you should have steered into it.

[39:50] It should have been Mac, Mick, Nick, Rick, and also a character named Oleg,

[39:56] a character just named Leg, like Legs Diamond.

[39:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:01] It's like reading Fire and Blood where you're like,

[40:05] how many Agons do I have to fucking read about?

[40:08] How do I keep them all straight?

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] Yeah, exactly.

[40:12] So Rainn Wilson calls in a helicopter to shoot at the second Meg with like an Uzi.

[40:19] That doesn't help.

[40:19] Dr. Zhang dies after a father-daughter moment where he recognizes that he's proud of her

[40:24] and that she surpassed him in her science.

[40:27] Everyone is mourning and they want also, they're mourning and they also want Jonas to date Suyin.

[40:32] And so-

Stuart Wellington

[40:33] And he gives her the matrix of leadership at this point, right?

[40:37] And then she becomes Suyin Prime, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] This is one of those scenes where it's like, the little girl is like, well, my grandfather died.

[40:47] Jonas, you gonna hit that?

[40:48] By which I mean my mom?

[40:50] She's thirsty.

[40:50] She's so thirsty.

[40:52] You'd think being around all this water, she wouldn't be so thirsty, but it's salt water.

[40:55] She can't drink it.

[40:56] Also, sex.

[40:57] She wants your D, Jonas.

[40:58] And Jonas is like, you're a little girl and your grandfather just died.

[41:01] Why are you talking to me like this?

[41:02] And she's like, I'm the kind of dirty talking little kid that people love in their movies.

[41:07] She doesn't actually say that stuff, but she does want Jason Statham to have sex with her mom.

[41:11] Meanwhile, Rainn Wilson is like, okay, guys, let's not even deal with this anymore.

[41:16] I've told the Chinese government that there's an enormous prehistoric shark off its coast.

[41:20] They're sending some destroyers to attack it.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] And they're like, thank you, Rainn Wilson.

[41:23] You're a good man, despite being a capitalist.

Elliott Kalan

[41:25] He's not a good man.

[41:26] He goes out in the middle of the night and has a helicopter throw bombs at the Meg from the sky so that he can kill it and keep its teeth on his desk.

Dan McCoy

[41:35] Now, the reason he's keeping it secret, by the way, is he's worried, I guess, about liability.

[41:39] He doesn't want to get sued.

[41:41] And I know that their experiments, I guess, broke the thermal layer or whatever that was keeping the Meg down there.

[41:50] But I think it would be pretty hard to build a case against Rainn Wilson for a giant shark killing a bunch of people.

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] Yeah, when Columbo shows up to do the forensics of this shit.

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] Just one more question.

[42:02] You said you did not break the thermal barrier at the bottom of the Marriott's Trench.

[42:07] And yet your shoes from the night, in question, have thermal barrier on them.

[42:14] Yep.

[42:15] Well, that's just confusing to me.

[42:16] That's just confusing.

[42:16] Well, Lieutenant, I actually soak my shoes in thermal barrier, an unrelated thermal barrier, in order to keep the soles springy and strong.

[42:26] Oh, that makes sense.

[42:26] That makes sense.

[42:28] You're under arrest.

[42:30] But the other thing is on a project like this, you've got to assume people signed waivers.

[42:36] That, like, everyone who's going to a privately constructed underwater kingdom has to sign a waiver.

[42:42] The same way that, like, you know that any James Bond villain has their henchmen sign a shit ton of waivers so that they can't sue them when the British government sends their agent to destroy their underwater lair and everybody dies in it.

[42:54] Like, so the families can't sue Spectre or something like that.

[42:57] Like, there's no way that they didn't have waivers.

[42:59] So anyway, long story short, they think they killed the Meg.

[43:03] It turns out they killed a whale.

[43:04] The whole thing ends with Rainn Wilson falling off a boat and getting eaten.

[43:08] So our heroes decide.

[43:09] Yeah, it was great.

[43:10] Jason Statham, I guess, having seen that they could kill one Meg, is like, well, we've got to hunt down and kill this Meg.

[43:15] It's headed towards one of those busy beaches where people are dancing on floating platforms to loud music.

[43:22] And there's also a guy who's running on the top of the water in a giant inflatable ball.

[43:26] Yep.

[43:26] And he is having the time of his life.

[43:29] Guys, have you ever seen this thing?

[43:31] Like, is it really that fun?

[43:33] Dan?

Dan McCoy

[43:34] Have I seen it?

[43:35] Yeah, have you seen it?

[43:36] There was this movie, The Meg, that I watched.

[43:38] Yeah, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[43:39] Have you ever seen a real, someone's in, like, a giant hamster ball running on top of the water?

[43:43] One, how does it work?

[43:45] Two, it doesn't seem that fun.

[43:47] Because the fun thing about going in the water is, like, feeling water on you and feeling the sun and the fresh air on you.

[43:53] And he is encased in what is essentially, like, a fart collecting globe.

[43:56] That is teasing him with the ocean by not letting him in it.

[43:59] It looks like one of those balls that the people ride around in on Jurassic World.

[44:03] Except you have to walk, too.

[44:05] So, it also, it takes Mustache a lot of energy to push it.

[44:07] But he's loving it.

[44:08] So, is this guy the real villain of The Meg?

Stuart Wellington

[44:11] I mean, he kind of does become the villain briefly.

[44:13] But, the, and it's also a, it's a beach that's so crowded with people that I, everyone's having the time of their life.

[44:22] But it seems like it would be terrible.

[44:23] Yeah.

[44:24] Maybe that's just the curmudgeon in me talking.

[44:28] The one who doesn't want to go to a beach crowded with people trying to swim, even though there's tons of people surrounding me all the time.

Dan McCoy

[44:34] Yeah.

[44:35] I mean, when you go to a crowded beach, you don't usually, though, encounter people being like,

[44:40] Whoa, it's me.

[44:42] This is horrible.

[44:44] Like, outwardly, people are still having fun.

[44:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[44:47] I guess so.

Stuart Wellington

[44:47] They're faking it until they're making it.

[44:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:49] Yeah.

[44:51] It's, they, they are, I don't know, they seem pretty tightly packed together, though.

[44:55] It's like, it's like a Tokyo subway train full of beach floors.

[44:59] Like, that, that tightly packed.

[45:01] Have you ever been to a beach where there are people dancing on floating platforms?

[45:05] Dan?

[45:05] No, I have not.

Stuart Wellington

[45:07] I'm going to have to confirm here, guys.

[45:08] I have not been to one of those beaches.

Elliott Kalan

[45:10] I've, I am kind of convinced that maybe they only exist in movies.

[45:13] Because every movie where there's a lake or a beach or something, there's always a party where people are dancing on a floating platform in their bathing suit.

[45:20] But they're not wet.

[45:22] So they're not swimming.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:23] I don't know how they got to the platform.

[45:24] And also, how is that fun to just be dancing on a floating platform instead of, like, swimming?

Stuart Wellington

[45:29] I mean, I can only assume that they're shooting, like, an episode of MTV's The Grind or something.

[45:36] Wait, that's the premise of Piranha 3D, right?

Elliott Kalan

[45:39] Yeah, they're shooting, they're shooting, it's spring break at the lake and they're shooting like a Girls Gone Wild type movie.

[45:43] Yeah.

[45:44] Okay.

[45:46] Anyway, I mean, the premise of Piranha 3D is that piranhas are going to

[45:50] eat Jerry O'Connell's dick and then spit it out at the camera.

Stuart Wellington

[45:53] Yeah.

[45:54] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] And it delivers on that promise.

[45:58] Yeah.

[45:58] So the movie hits us with a bunch of beach gags.

[46:01] Then Meg shows up to ruin everybody's good time.

[46:03] People are fleeing.

[46:04] They try to get onto a floating dock for safety.

[46:07] So, of course, Meg attacks it.

[46:08] But before Meg can eat an annoying kid who has a popsicle in his hand, our heroes lure it away with a recording of a whale song.

[46:15] And Jonas, using his underwater glider, leads it on a merry chase and then they want to hit it with torpedoes.

[46:22] That doesn't work.

[46:23] A helicopter smashes into the boat for no reason that I could figure out.

[46:27] Yeah.

[46:27] And after a lot of running, Jonas manages to use his glider's dorsal fin to slice open Meg's belly.

[46:33] And then he stabs a harpoon into Meg's eye with his bare hands.

[46:37] Yeah, that was awesome.

[46:38] As Meg leaps out of the water.

[46:39] And Meg's like...

Dan McCoy

[46:41] He goes, from hell's heart I stab at thee.

[46:43] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[46:44] But like he says it with his accent.

[46:47] So, Stuart, what did that sound like?

Stuart Wellington

[46:49] From hell's heart I stab at thee.

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] Okay, I guess so.

[46:54] So, he's kind of like a drunk mall Santa Claus doing this?

Stuart Wellington

[46:59] It's like a gravelly rock man voice.

[47:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[47:02] But yeah, the giant slice down the Meg's belly doesn't kill the Meg.

[47:07] It's only when he stabs him in the eye, like by hand, that Meg is...

Stuart Wellington

[47:12] And I don't think either of those things kill the Meg, Dan.

[47:14] It's when a swarm of sharks show up.

[47:16] Oh, yeah.

[47:17] Its smaller kin show up to devour its weakened bloody body.

[47:21] Drawn by the blood.

[47:22] For a second, Jason Statham's like, feed my friends.

[47:26] And then one of them turns and is like, I'm going to eat you, Jason Statham.

[47:30] And then luckily, Su Ying shows up and pushes it out of the way with her cool glider that

[47:34] looks a lot like the Naboo spacecrafts in Star Wars Phantom Menace.

[47:38] It totally looks like...

[47:39] This whole movie is basically like somebody watched the opening underwater chase in the

[47:46] beginning of Star Wars Phantom Menace and was like, let's just stretch out and make a

[47:49] whole movie of there's always a bigger fish joke.

Elliott Kalan

[47:52] I mean, that was the whole section with the squid and the shark.

[47:56] I'm like, oh, from Star Wars.

[47:59] Oh, they stole this from Star Wars.

[48:01] And the whole section with the squid and the whale where Su Ying is talking about her divorce.

[48:06] That's basically stolen from the squid and the whale, which is a story about divorce.

[48:10] Yeah.

[48:10] And there's also the part that was stolen from...

[48:14] That's another movie with squid in the title.

Dan McCoy

[48:18] It's the squid billies.

Elliott Kalan

[48:19] Yeah.

[48:20] The part where they're all like rednecks shooting shotguns at each other was stolen from squid

[48:24] billies.

[48:25] And they all escape in the end.

[48:28] I wish that the Meg, when it was being eaten by the other sharks, was like, no, but I saved

[48:32] you from the poachers.

[48:34] No.

[48:36] They all escape on a wedding boat and it says fin at the end because I assume it's a joke

[48:43] because sharks have fins.

[48:44] Sharks have fins.

Dan McCoy

[48:44] But it feels like the ultimate fuck you from the filmmakers to end the Meg with a French

Elliott Kalan

[48:50] title card.

[48:51] As if they were like, and now touch a class.

Stuart Wellington

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:56] I mean, I think the last shot of the movie is we see a tiny little dog that had escaped

[49:02] a wedding boat and we had thought had been devoured by the Meg is in fact alive.

Elliott Kalan

[49:07] Pippin, you survived.

[49:09] Hooray.

[49:09] Yeah.

[49:10] And Jason Statham sees it as if to say, hey, if that dog can keep going in the face of

[49:15] Megalodons, maybe I can too.

Stuart Wellington

[49:17] Or he was like, I've killed well nigh anything that's swum in these waters, but I haven't

[49:23] killed a tiny little dog yet.

Elliott Kalan

[49:25] And he just stabs in the eye.

[49:29] And then there's just 10 minutes of credits.

[49:31] So, guys, I want to say something.

[49:35] This is a corollary, I think, to Dan's.

[49:38] When things get too big, they stop being scary.

[49:40] Long.

[49:41] I think when things are too CGI, they stop being scary, too.

[49:45] To me at least.

Stuart Wellington

[49:45] When they feel like more and more divorced from reality.

Elliott Kalan

[49:49] Yes, exactly.

[49:51] Again, squid and the whale.

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:54] Yeah.

[49:55] Yeah.

[49:55] We're in there.

[49:56] It's final judgments time.

[49:58] We're in there.

Elliott Kalan

[50:00] We're in like the belly of the shark.

Dan McCoy

[50:02] I don't understand.

[50:02] I'm pretty sure we're in the cut at this point.

[50:04] We're in the cut with Meg Ryan, cartilage monster.

[50:08] Is this a good, bad movie?

[50:10] A bad, bad movie?

[50:11] Or a movie we kind of liked?

[50:14] I guess I'll start.

Stuart Wellington

[50:16] Yeah, Dan, give us.

[50:19] Let's gather around, younglings, and hear what Dan has to say.

Elliott Kalan

[50:22] Sit at his feet and gaze upon the fire, and within its crackling sparks, you shall see illustrations

[50:28] of the manly tale of adventure and Meg watching.

[50:31] But Dan has to relate.

[50:33] This legend of the before times.

[50:35] There was a hero some known as, some remember known as, Meg.

Dan McCoy

[50:41] This was not a good, bad movie.

[50:45] It was not stupid in a way that made me laugh for the most part.

[50:49] Other than there were some good lines.

[50:52] Someone at one point said...

[50:54] I'm going to need some proof at this one.

[50:56] Someone said, that fossil ate my friend, which is pretty good.

[51:00] That's pretty good.

[51:01] That's pretty good.

[51:03] I didn't think it was bad, bad, necessarily.

[51:08] By process of elimination, I kind of like this movie a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[51:12] Process of elimination?

[51:13] Well, you mean because it doesn't really fit into these kind of BS categories that we've

[51:17] created?

Dan McCoy

[51:18] I mean, it went down smoother than a lot of the movies we watched.

[51:21] I'll say that.

Elliott Kalan

[51:22] It was a movie that was so...

[51:26] I mean, for me, I would say, similarly, it was not funny enough to be good, bad.

[51:29] It was not bad enough.

[51:32] It was like, I would call it bad, bad, because I have to, but it's just kind of there.

[51:36] Like, it's a movie that just kind of exists and was so kind of dull to me that I didn't

[51:41] have...

[51:42] It was hard for me to have an opinion on it.

[51:44] And while I was watching it, I was like, what are we going to talk about with this movie?

[51:47] It's just kind of like...

[51:48] It feels just like a big-budget sci-fi channel original movie, which is like...

[51:52] It's the kind of movie where it's like, well, I'm sick home from school.

[51:56] Guess I'll watch this, and it'll be fine.

[51:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:00] Yeah, and it's like two hours long.

[52:02] So that'll help pass the hours before you die.

[52:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:06] If that's what you're looking for, what's in the market for?

[52:09] Yeah.

[52:09] And grandma's in hospice care.

[52:11] Put on the Meg.

[52:12] Well, it's literally like a Dr. Kevorkian shows up at your house.

Stuart Wellington

[52:16] Yeah.

[52:17] And you're like, well, let's show it to grandma, because it's not going to quicken her heart

[52:21] rate any.

[52:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[52:22] Well, I was thinking like, he shows up, and you're like, oh, Jack, finally.

[52:25] My life is...

[52:26] I'm in pain.

[52:27] It's such a hell.

[52:28] Hook me up to the machine.

[52:28] And he's like, actually, it's going to take me about two hours to set up the machine.

[52:32] All right.

[52:32] Throw the Meg on.

Stuart Wellington

[52:35] The...

[52:37] I got to say, this was a movie I kind of liked, guys.

[52:40] It's too long.

[52:42] It doesn't need to be two hours long.

[52:43] That's insane.

[52:44] Yeah.

[52:45] And it doesn't really take itself too seriously.

[52:48] You could probably edit out any of the moments where the movie does kind of try and take itself

[52:52] seriously.

[52:54] And it...

[52:55] I mean, it's pretty boring.

[52:57] I kind of wish that going through the IMDb, you know, like factual errors that plague this

[53:05] movie, somebody pointed out that if the Meg had been living below the water level at like

[53:12] 10,000 feet or whatever, that if it rose up to the surface, its body couldn't handle

[53:18] the change in pressure, and it would just like melt.

[53:21] I'm like, that wouldn't have made a very good movie, but I kind of wish that had happened.

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] I wish...

[53:27] There must be one where it's like, it's like factual errors, goofs.

[53:31] The Megalodon is actually extinct.

[53:34] Yeah.

[53:35] Now, this is something I'm just learning now looking up the Wikipedia entry is that I didn't

[53:39] realize that the Meg, the original novel, it is now a series.

[53:43] And so there's Meg Primal Waters.

[53:46] There's The Trench, which is Meg 2, The Trench.

[53:48] Meg Primal Waters.

[53:50] I'm going to skip one that has the best title and come back to it.

[53:52] Meg Origins, which is a prequel that I guess explains how the Meg became giant.

Stuart Wellington

[53:57] It's all started with a dinosaur shark.

Elliott Kalan

[54:00] Meg Generations, something called Meg Purgatory.

[54:02] And the best one is called Meg Hell's Aquarium.

[54:07] So like, if the movie lived up to the names of those novels, then I'd be like, yeah, throw

[54:12] it on.

Stuart Wellington

[54:13] I mean, my old roommate used to keep an aquarium that she had her turtles in and she never fucking

[54:19] cleaned the thing and it stunk all to hell.

[54:21] And I feel like that's Hell's Aquarium.

[54:24] It got so gross that she would just leave the turtles in the bathtub and it got my other roommate

[54:31] got some kind of foot fungus from it.

[54:35] Yeah.

[54:35] I didn't because my feet are naturally resilient to turtle fungus.

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] That's your superpower.

Stuart Wellington

[54:42] Not to brag.

[54:43] I hate to brag, guys.

[54:44] But you know.

[54:45] That's one of your powers?

[54:45] Yeah.

[54:46] It's, you know.

[54:47] Well, that's on his Marvel card.

[54:49] Yeah.

[54:49] It's, well, it's, it's one of the first things I bring up when I meet new people.

[54:54] All right.

[54:55] Let's.

Elliott Kalan

[54:56] So is it a good, bad movie?

[54:57] A bad, bad movie?

[54:58] Or.

[54:58] I said, I said a movie I kind of liked.

[55:01] A movie I kind of liked.

[55:02] Dan, what do you think?

[55:04] I've already scorned.

[55:05] This is why I think maybe my favorite bit is making Dan do the thing over again.

[55:09] So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[55:12] Shut up.

John Hodgman

[55:21] Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring

Dan McCoy

[55:26] actors like Patton Oswalt.

John Hodgman

[55:27] So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt

[55:33] monsters at night.

[55:33] It's Blade meets the Odd Couple.

Stuart Wellington

[55:37] Adam Scott and Jane Levy.

Dan McCoy

[55:39] Come on.

[55:39] Corey?

[55:40] She's too serious, too business-y.

[55:43] She doesn't know the hokey pokey.

John Hodgman

[55:44] She'll learn what it's all about.

[55:49] Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner.

Dan McCoy

[55:51] Baby, this is family.

Stuart Wellington

[55:53] My Uncle Tel, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family.

[55:58] Do you want him staying with us?

[55:59] He did stay with us for three months.

[56:01] And he was a delight.

John Hodgman

[56:04] A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society, for maximum fun.

[56:09] Hey, it's Jesse, the host of Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

[56:14] I'm coming to Portland, Oregon.

[56:15] We're going to be doing a very special live episode of Bullseye, my NPR interview show.

[56:21] It's taking place Friday, February 15th at Revolution Hall.

[56:26] What are you going to see?

[56:26] If you go to Portland, Oregon to see this show, you will see me live on stage talking with folks like Corin Tucker from Slater Kinney, director Lance Bangs, writer Bill Oakley, Simpsons legend.

[56:37] We will also have live music from Roseblood and live comedy from Katie Nguyen.

[56:42] It's going to be a blast and a half.

[56:45] It's also part of a big podcast festival called Listen Up Portland.

[56:48] Tons of other great podcasts are playing at it, too.

[56:50] Our pals, the Doughboys, among others.

[56:52] So, again, that's Friday, February 15th at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, 7 p.m.

[56:57] Tickets are on sale now.

[56:59] Get them at listenupportland.com.

[57:02] And thanks.

Dan McCoy

[57:07] All right.

[57:08] Now let's do an ad.

[57:10] How about that?

[57:11] Let's do an ad.

[57:11] Why not?

[57:12] That sounds great.

[57:13] Let's keep the lights on around this piece.

[57:14] Just for fun.

[57:16] Hey.

[57:18] Hey, Dan.

[57:18] What's up?

[57:18] Hey, what's up?

[57:19] Hey.

[57:19] How you doing?

Elliott Kalan

[57:20] Do you have a product you want to tell me about?

Dan McCoy

[57:21] Yeah.

[57:22] All right.

[57:22] The product this time is Squarespace.

[57:25] Oh, cool.

[57:26] Awesome.

[57:27] With Squarespace, you can create a beautiful website to sell, promote products and services of all kinds,

[57:33] promote your physical or online business.

[57:36] Announce an upcoming event or special project.

[57:39] And here's the most important bullet point, Elliot.

[57:42] And more.

[57:44] Wow.

[57:45] That encompasses literally everything else.

[57:47] So much.

Elliott Kalan

[57:48] Everything from evolving to the next stage of human evolution Lucy style to just taking a particularly satisfying boob on the toilet.

[57:58] And more.

[58:00] Smell the scent of newly mown grass or finally catching a unicorn.

[58:06] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[58:07] And how does Squarespace do this?

[58:09] Well, they do this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates created by world-class designers.

[58:14] Powerful e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online.

[58:18] Analytics that help you grow in real time.

[58:20] Built-in search engine optimization.

[58:23] Nothing to patch or upgrade ever.

[58:26] 24-7 award-winning customer support.

[58:27] Hey, make it stand out with a beautiful website from Squarespace.

[58:32] And listen.

[58:33] Head to squarespace.com slash flop for a free trial.

[58:36] And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[58:43] Now, Elliot.

[58:43] Dan, why are you shouting at us?

[58:45] This is usually.

Elliott Kalan

[58:46] Yeah, you seem really mad at us.

Dan McCoy

[58:48] This is usually when you come up with a nonsense website.

[58:52] And I'm going to encourage you to do that right now so I can run to the restroom, which I desperately need to do.

[58:57] So why don't you come up with a nonsense website and then read that Jumbotron I gave to you.

Elliott Kalan

[59:02] But Dan, I don't have anything.

[59:03] Maybe you should go on to your next part.

[59:04] No, no, no.

[59:05] I got to go.

[59:06] No, no.

[59:06] No, I do have a website, Dan.

[59:07] In fact, that I just love to talk about.

[59:09] So here's the thing.

[59:11] We've got a problem with cartilage.

[59:14] We don't have enough of it.

[59:16] We don't have enough of it for the one specific reason.

Stuart Wellington

[59:19] Elliot.

[59:20] Elliot.

[59:20] Dan's gone.

[59:21] We can just talk about something else.

[59:22] It's not that big a deal.

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] No, no.

[59:24] I do have a website I want to talk about.

[59:25] So I wanted to start a website called www.therealmeg.com.

[59:30] And of course, it's about Meg Ryan, the real Meg, the one that I care about the most.

[59:35] And that cartilage that she needs so badly that Dan was talking about.

[59:38] Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[59:39] Dan's not here anymore.

[59:40] He's in the bathroom.

[59:41] We can talk about normal stuff.

[59:43] We don't have to talk about bits.

[59:45] Dan.

[59:45] So how have you been lately?

Elliott Kalan

[59:48] What's more normal than needing cartilage in your body?

[59:51] And who needs it more than Meg Ryan?

[59:53] Now, Stuart, what would I tell you if I said there was actually a cartilage shortage in America today?

Stuart Wellington

[59:59] I mean, we don't have to do this, you know.

[1:00:02] We can just be normal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:03] You'd be horrified.

[1:00:04] And so that's why Meg Ryan and I have teamed up for TheRealMeg.com, which is a website where people can buy, sell, trade, and learn the news about the cartilage we need to remain superstars forever.

[1:00:20] Now, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:20] I mean, we're like friends.

[1:00:22] We don't have to run bits the whole time.

[1:00:24] We don't see each other that much anymore.

[1:00:27] So maybe we could.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] There's another one that I wanted to talk about, which was, this is a website that I was interested in.

[1:00:32] I'm hoping that Squarespace can help me with it, which is called www.sharkwear.com.

[1:00:40] Now, sharkwear.com.

[1:00:43] Yeah.

[1:00:43] What do you think it is from the name?

[1:00:45] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:46] Like, clothes with images of sharks on them?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:50] Okay.

[1:00:51] You got it exactly right.

[1:00:51] That's exactly what it is.

[1:00:53] Now, it's a website that helps you locate stores that sell clothes with sharks on them.

[1:00:59] So it's a little bit of a pun on the word wear.

[1:01:02] So at sharkwear.

[1:01:03] Okay.

[1:01:03] That's actually a pretty good idea.

[1:01:05] Let me keep it clear that at sharkwear.com, we do not sell shark-based clothing, but we do help you locate shark-based clothing so that you can buy it.

[1:01:12] And there's a place where you can put in tips for maybe there's a place you know that has shark-based clothing.

[1:01:17] There's a place where you can put in your stories, share your pictures and stories of buying or wearing.

[1:01:23] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:24] People love social media.

[1:01:26] Yeah.

[1:01:26] So sharkwear.com has a really heavy social media component.

[1:01:31] Guys, there's another website I want to talk about.

[1:01:33] Okay.

[1:01:34] It's called www.megandtheholograms.

[1:01:37] Now, guys, we all love Jem and the Holograms.

[1:01:40] What would it be better if a member of the band was a giant shark?

[1:01:43] Now, I know what you're thinking.

[1:01:44] Yeah, I guess that'd be better.

[1:01:46] That's Jabberjock.

[1:01:47] And you're right.

[1:01:48] It's really www.jabberjawandtheholograms.edu.

[1:01:52] Educating people about how much better Jem and the Holograms would have been than Jabberjaw was...

Dan McCoy

[1:01:56] I'm back.

[1:01:57] You don't need to vamp this much.

[1:01:59] It's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:00] I appreciate the effort.

[1:02:02] No problem.

[1:02:02] I got a Jumbotron to read now that Dan's back.

[1:02:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:06] Jumbo-tron.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:07] This Jumbotron is a special personal message from someone to someone.

[1:02:11] And those people are not named Meg.

[1:02:13] Segway accomplished.

[1:02:15] This message is for Robert.

[1:02:17] And this message is from Nicole.

[1:02:19] And Robert says,

[1:02:19] Even though life took you to Kansas, I'm glad we still keep in touch.

[1:02:23] I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you and the wonderful person you have become.

[1:02:27] No matter where life takes you, we will always be connected through quoting Seinfeld,

[1:02:30] sharing terrible memes, and our favorite bad movie, Wayne's World.

[1:02:34] Happy birthday and see you soon.

[1:02:36] Now, keep in mind that message is not endorsed by me and that I don't think Wayne's World is a bad movie.

[1:02:40] But otherwise, I endorse people keeping in contact even when they go to Kansas.

[1:02:46] Even then?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:48] Yeah, that was a nice message.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:50] It was.

[1:02:51] Robert, I may take issue with your opinion of Wayne's World, but otherwise, spot on.

[1:02:56] Keep it going.

[1:02:57] And if you ever need to find clothes with sharks on them, I have a website you might want to look at.

[1:03:01] Or if you think Jum and the Holograms might have been better with Jabberjaw in it, another website.

[1:03:04] Or if you desperately need cartilage, Meg Ryan and I have a website for you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:08] Is this just continuing your thing about never making fun of Mike Myers on the podcast?

[1:03:13] Because someday you hope to meet him and talk about hockey and stuff?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:17] Guys, he's married to an ex-murderer.

[1:03:21] I'm scared.

[1:03:22] I live in fear.

[1:03:24] Dan, do we have any other sponsors or should I get to our upcoming shows?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:29] Yeah, you can plug our live shows if you'd like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:32] We got some live shows on the calendar that cue Janine saying, we got one.

[1:03:37] Dan, put that in on the soundboard.

[1:03:39] Okay.

[1:03:39] Just edit it in.

[1:03:40] Janine from Ghostbusters going, we got one.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:43] I just have Janine from Ghostbusters farting on the soundboard, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:47] Does that happen?

[1:03:49] No.

[1:03:50] I special ordered that.

[1:03:51] Did you sneak into Annie Potts' house to record that?

[1:03:57] Look, we all have our things, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:59] Do you think Annie Potts' house has a little placard on her bathroom and it says, Annie Potts pot?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:05] No.

[1:04:06] I think if anything, it would be in her kitchen on the cabinet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] Or on her marijuana.

[1:04:11] She goes to the bathroom in her kitchen?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:15] She's like me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:19] Guys, sometimes when you share a bathroom with the person in your life and they're in there and you just have to go, sometimes you're like, you're doing a little dance and you think you got to go.

[1:04:31] Sometimes that kitchen sink looks mighty inviting.

[1:04:34] You know what I mean?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:35] Yeah.

[1:04:35] Sometimes you got to go where everybody prepares their food.

[1:04:40] Anyway, if I was stinging, that's still the food within why I'm with rude and so forth.

[1:04:46] I like the idea, Stuart.

[1:04:47] You're like, I'm considered of my wife.

[1:04:49] So instead of stinking up the bathroom, I use the kitchen.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:53] No, I'm saying that she's in the bathroom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:56] Okay.

[1:04:57] So we got one.

[1:04:58] I mean two shows on the books right now.

[1:05:00] We'll have more coming up soon to tell you about.

[1:05:03] But soon after this episode leaps out of your body, leaps out of the internet into your body, and it leaps out of your body, chestburster style, killing you in front of Sigourney Weaver and Veronica Cartwright.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:18] And the cast of Spaceballs.

[1:05:20] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:21] Right before you say, check please, Saturday, January 26th in Madison, Wisconsin at the University of Wisconsin.

[1:05:28] It's going to be a really fun show.

[1:05:29] We're going to be talking about Venom.

[1:05:31] Oh, yeah.

[1:05:32] We're going to be in Badger country.

[1:05:34] Am I going to do a presentation about Badgers?

[1:05:36] Maybe.

[1:05:38] On Sunday, February 3rd, we're going to be back at our old homestead in Brooklyn, the Bell House.

[1:05:44] Now, I know what you're saying.

[1:05:45] That's Super Bowl Sunday.

[1:05:47] Aren't you guys worried you're going to miss the game?

[1:05:48] My brother has already assured me he will text me updates during the show about what's happening in the big game.

[1:05:54] So look forward to that.

[1:05:56] We'll be talking about the happy time murders.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:58] This Super Bowl Sunday, if you want to score a real touchdown.

[1:06:02] You'll come to our show.

[1:06:04] Goal!

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:07] If you want to hit a real home run into the negative zone, come to our show on Super Bowl Sunday.

[1:06:15] If you want to do a real whatever it is they do in High Lie, come to our show.

[1:06:20] So yeah, we're going to be talking about the happy time murders.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:23] It's got Melissa McCarthy.

[1:06:24] It's got puppets.

[1:06:25] It's got us talking about those things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:29] I mean, Melissa McCarthy and the puppets will not be at the show.

[1:06:32] We will just be conjuring them with our words.

[1:06:35] Painting a word picture, if you will.

[1:06:36] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:37] Yeah.

[1:06:37] I mean, I don't know.

[1:06:38] Or maybe they will be.

[1:06:38] You don't have to tell them that.

[1:06:40] There's a chance they could show up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] Maybe Melissa McCarthy will be in town and she'll be like, oh, you know, I was in that movie.

[1:06:44] I'd love to hear what they have to say about it.

[1:06:46] And she'll show up.

[1:06:47] And maybe she'll be happy with what we have to say.

[1:06:49] I haven't seen the movie yet.

[1:06:50] Maybe we'll like it, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:53] Yeah.

[1:06:54] There's always, look, hope springs eternal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:56] I mean, I kind of like the Meg.

[1:06:58] I mean, Jesus.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:00] Yeah.

[1:07:00] Obviously, Sue doesn't have standards.

[1:07:02] You know, you don't like anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:03] I like all kinds of bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:06] And not a show, but again, just want to remind people, my book, Horse Meets Dog, in stores now.

[1:07:11] Children's book.

[1:07:12] It's by me.

[1:07:13] Illustrated by Tim Miller.

[1:07:14] Horse Meets Dog.

[1:07:15] Dan, what do we do next on this show?

[1:07:16] Do you guys have anything you want to plug?

[1:07:18] Dan, do you work for a TV show or anything?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] Sure.

[1:07:22] Continue to watch The Daily Show.

[1:07:23] And if you haven't watched it, why not start?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:26] And then always, when you're watching it with someone else, just pause it when they have the credits where they say the writer's names.

[1:07:33] And then you point to the screen and tell the person you're watching it with, that's Dan McCoy from the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:39] Yeah, yeah.

[1:07:39] And then just masturbate furiously.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:41] Oh, wow.

[1:07:42] While they watch.

[1:07:43] I guess, why not?

[1:07:44] I mean, you know, you deserve a little bit of joy in your life.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:46] No, not while they watch.

[1:07:48] Dan, you wait until you can do it in private.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:50] Yeah.

[1:07:51] I will recommend my bar, Hinterlands Bar in Kensington, Brooklyn.

[1:07:56] I'm there on Friday nights most of the time.

[1:07:59] You can come see me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:02] So, Dan, what do we do next on this podcast?

[1:08:04] Is that it?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:05] No.

[1:08:06] Are we done?

[1:08:06] No, there's two more segments.

[1:08:08] Uh-huh.

[1:08:09] The two lesser popular segments of the show.

[1:08:12] Oh, wow.

[1:08:13] This is the first of those two.

[1:08:16] It's called Letters.

[1:08:18] From listeners like you.

[1:08:21] And this first one is from...

[1:08:23] Hey, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:24] Let's ask ourselves, how many letters will we answer tonight?

[1:08:29] I'm gonna say maybe three, because there's three letters in Meg.

[1:08:33] M-E-G.

[1:08:34] That's three.

[1:08:36] M is for the Meg.

[1:08:38] And E is for every Meg out there.

[1:08:40] You're great.

[1:08:41] And G is for a great.

[1:08:42] The word I use to describe the Meg.

[1:08:44] That's three letters.

[1:08:45] M-E-G.

[1:08:46] That's me.

[1:08:48] Letters for you and me.

[1:08:50] Oh, wait.

[1:08:51] I forgot.

[1:08:52] The title of the movie is The Meg.

[1:08:55] And the has three more letters in it.

[1:08:58] T.

[1:08:59] That's for the.

[1:09:00] H.

[1:09:01] That's for...

[1:09:02] Hey, it's the Meg.

[1:09:03] E.

[1:09:04] That's for extra Meg.

[1:09:06] Because there's really more than one Meg in the movie.

[1:09:09] It should have been called The Megs.

[1:09:12] Because there's really one more Meg than you thought there'd be.

[1:09:15] But they didn't go as far as three.

[1:09:18] Even though that's the number of letters in Meg.

[1:09:21] And the number of letters will probably answer tonight.

[1:09:25] On the Flophouse.

[1:09:26] Which has a lot of letters in it.

[1:09:28] I can't count that high.

[1:09:30] I don't know.

[1:09:30] I don't know how many letters are in the name.

[1:09:33] The Flophouse.

[1:09:34] Except I know that the.

[1:09:36] Has three.

[1:09:37] T stands for the Flophouse.

[1:09:40] H stands for...

[1:09:40] Wait, hold on.

[1:09:41] It's the Flophouse.

[1:09:42] And E stands for every Flophouse.

[1:09:45] There's just this one.

[1:09:46] Just this one great Flophouse.

[1:09:48] House for you and me.

[1:09:50] And Dan.

[1:09:50] And Stu.

[1:09:51] And me.

[1:09:52] And you.

[1:09:53] Three letters tonight.

[1:09:55] The Meg.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:56] Thank you, Elliot.

[1:09:58] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:59] Dan, your words say thank you.

[1:10:01] But your tone says go away.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:06] This first letter is from Karsten.

[1:10:09] Last name withheld.

[1:10:10] Karsten Daly.

[1:10:11] Yeah.

[1:10:13] Karsten writes.

[1:10:14] I found that there are certain sources I tend to pull heavily from while writing adventures

[1:10:18] for my D&D players.

[1:10:20] I steal plenty of fantasy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:21] Stuart, I'll handle this one.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:23] I steal plenty of fantasy elements from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels.

[1:10:27] And plenty of encounter scenarios from 80s action movies.

[1:10:31] Are there any genres or works of art you find yourself not only drawing inspiration from,

[1:10:35] but full on stealing from in your creative work?

[1:10:37] Karsten, last name withheld.

[1:10:41] No one's jumping in, so I'll start.

[1:10:45] There's.

[1:10:46] I wrote a.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:47] We're thinking about our answers, Dan.

[1:10:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:50] We're thinking about our answers.

[1:10:51] Well, you wrote that screenplay ripoff of that Justin Long movie, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:55] No.

[1:10:55] I wrote a screenplay and then it turned out to be similar to the premise of a Justin Long

[1:10:59] movie.

[1:10:59] Okay.

[1:10:59] Wait, which one was that?

[1:11:03] Oh, and I should never.

[1:11:04] I never wrote it.

[1:11:05] I was going to write it.

[1:11:06] It was about an office where like people who are out, like out of work.

[1:11:11] Could go and pretend that they had a job.

[1:11:14] Oh.

[1:11:16] And it was kind of like under.

[1:11:17] On.

[1:11:18] On.

[1:11:18] What was it called?

[1:11:19] On.

[1:11:20] Except.

[1:11:20] Accepted.

[1:11:21] Accepted.

[1:11:22] I mean.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:23] You also.

[1:11:24] You did write a screenplay that was a comedy set during a bachelor party.

[1:11:27] Which.

[1:11:28] Are there any movies like that?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:30] Okay.

[1:11:31] I mean, that isn't necessarily straight up stealing like this guy's talking about.

[1:11:35] It's just derivative.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:36] Good.

[1:11:37] Good point.

[1:11:38] When do you steal in your work?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:41] I wrote a spec pilot about a theater program at a small college.

[1:11:49] And when I was writing the character of the dean, I basically just thought of Jimmy James

[1:11:54] from news radio.

[1:11:56] Uh-huh.

[1:11:56] And I was like.

[1:11:57] It's a great character.

[1:11:58] This character's great.

[1:11:59] I'm just stealing it.

[1:12:00] And the thing is like, you know, it's filtered through your own voice.

[1:12:05] So you never end up like fully stealing it.

[1:12:07] Yeah.

[1:12:07] Especially when you're doing Jimmy James cosplay.

[1:12:09] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:10] Yeah.

[1:12:11] I mean.

[1:12:11] At a certain point, it's just Steven Root cosplay.

[1:12:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:14] But I think that when you, you know, you put your own spin on it.

[1:12:17] So it turns out being something unique almost by accident.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:22] Well, there's someone.

[1:12:23] There's a thing that I think Picasso said or he said something along the lines of it.

[1:12:27] Which is that you copy something and you botch it up.

[1:12:30] And in the botch, that's where you find yourself.

[1:12:33] Yeah.

[1:12:34] Like in how you don't accomplish the copy, that's where you find your own style and your

[1:12:39] own point of view.

[1:12:40] And Bosch is found on Amazon Prime.

[1:12:43] Uh-huh.

[1:12:43] Is that a sponsored thing?

[1:12:45] Or what is that about?

[1:12:47] I don't know what that movie is.

[1:12:48] Is that show about Hieronymus Bosch?

[1:12:50] Like, but it's set nowadays?

[1:12:51] Yeah.

[1:12:52] And he solves crimes.

[1:12:53] What a great show that would be.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:54] So what he does, he paints pictures and it's in the paintings that he, all the mysteries

[1:12:59] are revealed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:00] I mean, Hieronymus Bosch is basically just like, grown up, where's Waldo, right?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:04] Yep.

[1:13:05] Yep.

[1:13:05] That's how I learned it when I went to art school.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] What if they did a show that's like Hieronymus Bosch, but now, and he paints the Garden of

[1:13:13] Earthly Delights and shows it to a gallery owner and they're like, yeah.

[1:13:16] It's like I see him.

[1:13:16] This painting is hundreds of years old.

[1:13:18] Yeah.

[1:13:18] You're like, I see him.

[1:13:19] He's right there.

[1:13:22] So Waldo is one of those demons, right?

[1:13:25] I'll say that I try not to steal, but of course I'm, I, there's the stuff I work on is inspired

[1:13:31] by all sorts of stuff.

[1:13:32] And I'm currently working on a show that's about a, it's set in the White House and it's,

[1:13:41] it's this president named Jed.

[1:13:42] It's called Dave.

[1:13:44] And it's President Jed Bartlett.

[1:13:46] It has a heart attack.

[1:13:47] And so Dave Bartlett has to take over and he's like an everyman who happens to have the

[1:13:51] same last name.

[1:13:52] Sounds a lot like King Ralph to me.

[1:13:55] And then he becomes the King of England.

[1:13:57] You didn't let me get to that part yet.

[1:13:58] Okay.

[1:13:59] And also there's a, there's a murder at 1600.

[1:14:03] Wow.

[1:14:04] But he is presumed innocent.

[1:14:07] But he has absolute power.

[1:14:09] Yeah, exactly.

[1:14:09] He has absolute power.

[1:14:10] And eventually they welcome him to Mooseport.

[1:14:13] Uh, okay.

[1:14:14] But I am, I'm working on a, I'm currently working on a, developing a show that I hope to be

[1:14:18] pitching soon.

[1:14:19] So hopefully I'll be able to announce it someday as a real show.

[1:14:22] And I've been getting a lot of inspiration from the work of, uh, the artist Rick Bartow.

[1:14:28] So he was a painter who died a few years ago.

[1:14:31] So, and a sculptor who died.

[1:14:33] So I like, that's inspiration.

[1:14:35] I'm trying not to steal too directly, but there's imagery in his work that I'm finding is

[1:14:39] very heavily influencing me in, in the way I'm thinking about this, this thing I'm working

[1:14:43] on now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:44] Uh, and yeah, I mean, there was a time, I don't know if I'd still do it as much, but there

[1:14:49] was a time when, uh, a lot of the role-playing adventures I was, uh, I was creating, uh, I was,

[1:14:56] you know, I was taking inspiration and probably borrowing some stuff from, uh, the books of,

[1:15:01] uh, fantasy and sci-fi author Dan Abnett, who I think I've mentioned on the, on the podcast

[1:15:07] before.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:08] And comical gas.

[1:15:08] He's one of the two men who made the guardians of the galaxy movieable.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:12] Yeah.

[1:15:13] Yeah.

[1:15:13] He, uh, I mean, I'm mainly referring to his, his pros, not as yeah, as his Warhammer stuff,

[1:15:19] but, uh, cause he was able to take stuff that was, he, he's able to, with a lot of his Warhammer

[1:15:25] stuff, he was able to add like depth and nuance and, and whatnot to a bunch of statistics,

[1:15:32] basically to take it above the level of basic, uh, you know, like, I don't know, like commissioned

[1:15:41] writing or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:42] So it's not like those magic, the gathering novels that came out in the nineties.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:45] I mean, I can't make any comment on that.

[1:15:47] Uh, the, the last time I made fun of stuff like that, I was in forbidden planet making

[1:15:51] fun of, I made like some dumb bullshit joke about how they had so many charmed novels and

[1:15:57] the guy behind the registers like, it's like, man, we pay our fucking rent with charm novels

[1:16:02] and that shut me up.

[1:16:04] I'm like, okay, well, I'm a fucking idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:07] Yeah.

[1:16:07] Well, maybe then I'll mention the, I'll, I'll compare it then to the Mortal Kombat novel that

[1:16:10] I read when I was a kid, which was not a very good, but.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:14] Did you finish it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:17] I did, but it was hardly a flawless, uh, also friendship, but, uh, I, I think it's okay to

[1:16:25] steal directly when it's a Dungeons and Dragons campaign.

[1:16:28] I mean, it's one thing to steal professionally, uh, to be a sort of like a cat burglar of ideas.

[1:16:34] Yeah.

[1:16:34] And then I think it's not okay.

[1:16:35] But if you're doing something just for fun, like have Mickey Mouse show up, like, why not?

[1:16:40] Like, just like steal left and right, you know, if it's, if you're not trying to make money

[1:16:45] off of it, then go ahead.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:46] I think Disney's lawyers would still show up if you're doing a D and D campaign with Mickey

[1:16:51] Mouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:52] Okay.

[1:16:52] Then do Horace Horsecaller or one of the characters they don't care about.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:55] Yeah.

[1:16:55] There you go.

[1:16:57] Um, this one is from Ben, last name withheld.

[1:17:01] Was it a little, little rat?

[1:17:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:06] We have to assume from the name.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:08] Uh, he writes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:10] It's either that or Fisher Stevens character from Short Circuit.

[1:17:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:15] Dear as seen on TV, the cast of the Flophouse.

[1:17:18] Mm-hmm.

[1:17:18] I finished binge watching the latest season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and I don't skip

[1:17:22] to the next episode until I happily see Elliot's name in the credits.

[1:17:26] Thanks.

[1:17:27] And Dan, the daily show writing is as good as it's ever been.

[1:17:29] Keep up the good work.

[1:17:30] As a big fan of both these properties, my question is for Stuart.

[1:17:34] Sure.

[1:17:34] As a bartender and dungeon master, both of which I have interactions with, do you have any favorite

[1:17:39] stories to share about bars, inns, or taverns, fictional or otherwise, told to you or experienced?

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:47] Wow.

[1:17:48] I mean, that's my favorite bar-related story.

[1:17:52] Uh, yeah, I don't know.

[1:17:54] I mean, uh, I tweeted about this, but I just recently installed the, uh, security cameras

[1:18:00] in my bar for no specific reason.

[1:18:03] Just, it's good to have them.

[1:18:05] And I downloaded an app, uh, so I can now watch, uh, the feed, the security camera feed on

[1:18:11] my phone.

[1:18:11] So, uh, that's basically what I've been doing the last 20 minutes of this podcast.

[1:18:19] All right.

[1:18:20] All professionals always.

[1:18:21] Great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:22] Yeah.

[1:18:22] Uh, how focused we all, and I'm certainly not reading a blog right now.

[1:18:25] Uh-huh.

[1:18:27] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:29] You, you, you, I have to take it.

[1:18:30] At least what, at least what Stuart's doing does not require the, the word centers in your

[1:18:34] brain.

[1:18:34] Uh-huh.

[1:18:35] And also, does it require me to take a fucking DeLorean back in time?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:39] Because Dan, you want me to do more talking.

[1:18:41] Always.

[1:18:41] Okay.

[1:18:42] You're right.

[1:18:43] I'm not having to hit my quota yet.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:45] Yeah.

[1:18:45] No, I don't know.

[1:18:46] I mean, I don't really, I, I can't think of any particularly like good stories.

[1:18:51] But, uh, you know, I like, I like working in a bar.

[1:18:56] I like when people who listen to the show show up.

[1:19:01] Um, and I don't know, it's, uh, it, it was a, it was a career that I'd never expected to

[1:19:08] get into.

[1:19:09] And it's really cool to have a space where I can, I don't know, uh, hang out and talk to

[1:19:16] people and hopefully make people happy or make their life slightly less miserable.

[1:19:21] In this veil of tears.

[1:19:23] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:24] Yep.

[1:19:25] So, I answered your question perfectly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:27] Yep.

[1:19:27] Just what he was looking for.

[1:19:29] Uh.

[1:19:29] Basic bar tale.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:32] This last one is from Sasha, last name withheld.

[1:19:34] Mm-hmm.

[1:19:35] Baron Cohen.

[1:19:36] Sasha writes, since it's your show that put this curse on me, I feel that in some way I

[1:19:41] need to punish you by telling you about it.

[1:19:43] Okay.

[1:19:44] I listened to the Dwee guns and leprechauns episode about two weeks ago.

[1:19:47] Oh, that's a mistake.

[1:19:47] And very shortly after, I started having reoccurring dreams where I'm being forced to direct a

[1:19:51] sequel, Vampires and Dwee guns.

[1:19:54] I don't have a thorough understanding.

[1:19:56] What would they even talk about?

[1:19:58] I don't, I don't have a thorough understanding.

[1:20:00] Are you saying they're on a date?

[1:20:02] Like in the first movie?

[1:20:03] I don't have a thorough understanding of this fake movie's plot, as each dream is mainly

[1:20:08] just me trying to wrangle gross CGI monsters on real physical sets to perform disconnected

[1:20:12] scenes.

[1:20:14] However, these dreams are frequent and vivid enough that I can't stop thinking about them

[1:20:18] and the clotted, blood-filled jelly donuts the hybrids eat while trying to do actual work.

[1:20:24] Though they're probably not enough to save the Dwee gun mythos, are there any films you

[1:20:27] think would be improved by adding vampires into the mix?

[1:20:30] Whether it's the characters turning into vampires, hunting vampires, or meeting a new nocturnal

[1:20:34] lover?

[1:20:34] It may be easier to find examples where vampires wouldn't improve things, though.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:38] Yeah, that's for sure.

[1:20:39] I 100% think the Fast and Furious franchise would be improved with car-driving vampires.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20:47] Oh, yeah, for sure.

[1:20:49] That just goes, I mean, almost any action franchise.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20:51] I feel like me saying this, if Vin Diesel's listening, I'm sure, and when he hears that,

[1:20:58] immediately that movie's going to go into production.

[1:21:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:02] There's no reason the next Terminator movie can't have a vampire in it.

[1:21:07] That's got to happen.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:08] And Morbius the vampire movie is going to have a vampire in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:13] I have to assume so, since the title character is a vampire.

[1:21:16] Uh-huh.

[1:21:17] The next Star Wars movie should have a vampire in it.

[1:21:20] Like, how cool would that be?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:21] That was one of my favorite Buck Rogers episodes, was the one with the space vampire.

[1:21:26] Mm-hmm.

[1:21:27] It was really spooky.

[1:21:28] Dan, do you have opinions on Buck Rogers?

[1:21:30] On Buck Rogers?

[1:21:31] Yeah.

[1:21:32] No.

[1:21:33] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:34] What about, like, Godfather 4?

[1:21:36] Now there's vampires.

[1:21:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:39] I mean, that's basically what Sicilian vampire was, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:42] Yeah, I guess so, actually, I think about it.

[1:21:44] Oof.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:47] And movies that I think would be improved.

[1:21:51] By taking the vampires out?

[1:21:52] Yeah, Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:54] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:55] I mean, then it's just a movie about someone who wants to buy a house in London.

[1:21:58] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:00] At these prices.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:03] It's very difficult to find the space for a family.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:07] I don't drink wine because it's too expensive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:12] Because of my goats.

[1:22:14] The middle class is being squeezed out of the urban center.

[1:22:20] Mm-hmm.

[1:22:23] Well, Drac, maybe you should try New York then.

[1:22:27] Oh, don't even start.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22:31] This is quickly turning into Tevye.

[1:22:34] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:36] Well, Bailer on the Roof, why couldn't it be a vampire on the roof?

[1:22:38] Other than that, that would play into so many anti-Semitic stereotypes about Jewish people.

[1:22:44] They're like, that's the movie where people would be like, what about the blood libel?

[1:22:49] And I guess Rabbi Dracula would be like, well, that one's true for me.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:56] Rabbi Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:58] Yeah, he went to rabbinical school, sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:23:01] Yeah.

[1:23:02] No, he's a very respected Dracula in the community.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:05] It would be very hard for him then at Passover because he has to drink wine.

[1:23:10] But he doesn't drink wine.

[1:23:13] Here's my other question.

[1:23:14] Why doesn't Dracula drink wine?

[1:23:18] Like, do vampires, they just can't...

Dan McCoy

[1:23:19] Oh, it's just, he's an alcoholic.

[1:23:21] It's a separate issue.

[1:23:22] Yeah.

[1:23:23] Oh, so...

[1:23:23] He's in recovery.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:24] So that huge metal that he wears around his neck is what, like his 4,000 years sober chip?

[1:23:30] Take a look.

[1:23:31] I take my unlife, my afterlife one day at a time.

[1:23:37] He has to find an AA meeting wherever he is, which is difficult because he can't go into churches.

[1:23:43] Uh-huh.

[1:23:43] Yeah.

[1:23:44] So he has to go into church's chicken and see if there's an AA meeting there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:48] Uh-huh.

[1:23:49] Wait, Dracula can go into church's chicken?

[1:23:52] I mean, it says church in the name.

[1:23:54] I mean, they have to invite him first.

[1:23:56] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:56] That's true, yeah.

[1:23:57] He's like, he waits outside and as people...

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:00] And he's like, oh no, this church's chicken has a running water in front of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:05] I wish they hadn't put in this water feature.

[1:24:07] I mean, it's beautiful, but still, it really adds to the romantic feel of this pedestrian plaza.

[1:24:14] But so, do you think Dracula just goes...

[1:24:17] I guess that's the joke in what we do in the shadows is they can't go into that club until they're invited in.

[1:24:22] Oh, yeah.

[1:24:23] So Dracula can't go into any business until he's invited in.

[1:24:26] Yeah.

[1:24:27] So he's essentially a homeless person at a certain point.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:29] I think what we do in the shadows probably invalidated all the jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:32] I mean, that's why...

Dan McCoy

[1:24:32] I mean, you know, it's so much better for him in this age of apps.

[1:24:36] You know, he can just have things delivered to his home.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:24:39] If he's not hungry enough for a full meal, he just orders a nap.

[1:24:41] And then he's like...

Dan McCoy

[1:24:42] Every time.

[1:24:43] I don't eat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:45] He reads another story about, like, startup culture or, like, tech moguls taking advantage of their workers.

[1:24:51] And he's like, and they call me a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[1:24:54] Thanks to Uber, I can finally work at night when the sun is not a bother.

[1:25:00] So that would be the worst if you're driving around and he's like...

[1:25:03] So, are you just leaving work or are you going to work?

[1:25:08] Oh, I'm just, like, I'm going to the airport.

[1:25:10] I'm not really looking for a conversation, Dracula.

[1:25:12] Is this trip for pleasure or for fun?

[1:25:15] That's the same thing, Dracula.

[1:25:17] I've got a philosophy about life.

[1:25:19] Let me tell you about it and allow me to play my demo.

[1:25:22] No, thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:25:24] Like, that's why this guy's got such a bad rating.

[1:25:26] It's not because he kills people.

[1:25:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:29] Can you please just suck my blood down?

[1:25:31] No, no.

[1:25:32] First, tell me if my trip-hop single has a future.

[1:25:35] Oh, come on, Dracula.

Dan McCoy

[1:25:39] Hey, that was a great bit, but it's time to move on.

[1:25:43] Okay.

[1:25:43] We always have to move on in life.

[1:25:44] Yeah.

[1:25:45] And the next thing we do is we talk about recommendations of movies we saw.

[1:25:49] And you should watch probably instead of The Meg, I'd say.

[1:25:53] Yeah.

[1:25:54] Almost certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:25:55] I mean, it depends.

[1:25:55] Are you in the market for a kind of boring giant shark movie?

[1:25:59] Then watch The Meg.

[1:26:00] I know you guys are going to recommend.

[1:26:01] Yeah.

[1:26:02] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:03] I'll go first.

[1:26:05] I went to the film forum recently.

[1:26:07] I saw a little movie from 1937, Elliot's Territory.

[1:26:12] It's called Easy Living.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:15] Oh, I love Easy Living.

[1:26:17] Yeah.

[1:26:17] Recommend it.

[1:26:18] Testify, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:19] It was written by Preston Sturgis, the famous writer and director.

[1:26:22] It was not directed by him.

[1:26:23] It was directed by a guy named Michael Leeson or Leeson.

[1:26:26] I'm not sure how to say his last name.

[1:26:28] I think Mitchell Leeson.

[1:26:30] Mitchell.

[1:26:31] Sorry.

[1:26:31] Yeah, you're right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26:33] The story that I've always heard is that that's the movie where he decided,

[1:26:37] I don't want to see other people wrecking my movies.

[1:26:39] I'm going to direct them from now on.

[1:26:40] But Easy Living is hilarious.

[1:26:42] Easy Living is really good.

[1:26:43] I think it's an apocryphal story.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:46] It's about, basically, it's a hard plot to sum up,

[1:26:52] so I'll just sort of give you the inciting incident.

[1:26:55] A rich banker is enraged that his wife has bought so many expensive fur coats

[1:27:02] so he throws one out the window and it lands on a poor working girl.

[1:27:08] And through a series of unlikely events thereafter,

[1:27:12] she becomes mistaken for, not wealthy,

[1:27:16] I mean, she becomes mistaken basically for the mistress of a wealthy man.

[1:27:20] And because of that, everyone wants to curry favor with her

[1:27:22] by making her, like, giving her easy living.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:25] Or after her life takes a downturn because of it, Edford.

[1:27:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:30] And it stars Jean Arthur, who is very funny in this movie.

[1:27:35] She's so good in the lead.

[1:27:37] Eddie Arnold is the, Edward Arnold is the banker.

[1:27:43] And the love interest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:44] I was like, oh, Eddie.

[1:27:45] Someone knows Edward Arnold.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:47] The love interest is a very young Ray Milland.

[1:27:50] And he was so young that as someone who mostly associates Ray Milland

[1:27:54] with things like dial him for murder, I did not recognize him.

[1:27:57] But he's also very good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:59] He's so young in it that he's billed as Baby Ray.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:04] And there's a, it's just, I don't know,

[1:28:06] there's, it's got so much inventiveness in it.

[1:28:09] It's just a delight from start to finish.

[1:28:11] And there are scenes in it too, like there's a scene in an automat where there's a run on free food

[1:28:17] that goes on so much longer than you think it should,

[1:28:20] but somehow still maintains being funny through the entire sequence.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:25] Especially because it's just the same joke over and over again,

[1:28:27] which is that people fall down sometimes.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:30] But it's done very well.

[1:28:32] So, easy living.

[1:28:33] I liked it a lot.

[1:28:35] Easy living.

Stuart Wellington

[1:28:37] I'm going to recommend a movie that came out like two weeks ago.

[1:28:41] So, the opposite end of the spectrum.

[1:28:43] It's a low budget thriller called Rust Creek.

[1:28:49] It is, I think it's streaming and playing in a few select cities.

[1:28:56] It is a thriller set in Appalachia about a college girl who is going to,

[1:29:05] as she's driving to DC for a job interview and gets off the highway

[1:29:10] and is trying to take a shortcut when she has to turn around

[1:29:14] and she gets embroiled in a little bit of local criminal activity

[1:29:19] and has to, kind of has to survive.

[1:29:24] And it's a movie that is patient and it is beautifully shot.

[1:29:32] It's a little long, but, and none of the, like, twists or anything are particularly new,

[1:29:39] but it's just a well-made little thriller and it's pretty cool.

[1:29:44] I recommend it.

[1:29:45] Rust Creek.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:46] I'm going to recommend a movie that...

[1:29:48] Go.

[1:29:49] Okay.

[1:29:50] I did start.

[1:29:51] Okay.

[1:29:52] Okay.

[1:29:52] This is throwing me off quite a bit.

[1:29:54] What do we do at this part?

[1:29:57] I'm going to recommend a movie that I thought for certain had been recommended already,

[1:30:00] but maybe I'm wrong, which is Can You Ever Forgive Me?

[1:30:03] So, did either of you guys recommend that already on the show?

[1:30:07] What was that?

[1:30:08] Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Stuart Wellington

[1:30:10] No.

[1:30:11] Okay, great.

[1:30:11] I don't think either of us have seen it yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:13] Okay.

[1:30:13] For some reason I thought it was recommended already, but I highly recommend it.

[1:30:17] It's the story with Melissa McCarthy and Richard E. Grant, where she is a down-on-her-luck biographer

[1:30:23] who basically gets into forging letters from famous people and selling them as memorabilia,

[1:30:32] as artifacts, in order to support her life.

[1:30:34] And, you know, becomes more and more deeply enmeshed in it and more and more criminal about it.

[1:30:40] And it's like a movie that I just thought they handled it super well, and it's a really

[1:30:45] solid character movie between her and Richard E. Grant.

[1:30:49] I realized I like Melissa McCarthy much more as a dramatic actress than I do as a comedic

[1:30:52] actress watching this movie.

[1:30:55] And I just think it was just like a really, really solid movie about a character who kind

[1:31:01] of gets in too deep on something and a character who rubs other people in her life the wrong

[1:31:06] way so you can see how she's reached this point.

[1:31:08] But the way she's handled in the movie, like, you want her to succeed, you know, and that's

[1:31:13] they just did a really good job of that.

[1:31:15] And something that I especially liked about it is that, like, both of the main characters,

[1:31:19] Melissa McCarthy character and Richard E. Grant's character are gay, but the movie is

[1:31:22] not about them being gay.

[1:31:24] Like, it's just a thing about them that is taken for granted by the movie and is not,

[1:31:28] is neither called attention to nor is it ignored.

[1:31:31] And I thought that they handled that particularly well, that it's just kind of taken as this

[1:31:35] is a fact of their life and we don't have to make a big deal about it and we also don't

[1:31:38] have to pretend it doesn't exist.

[1:31:40] And Richard E. Grant, he's amazing in everything.

[1:31:42] He's just great, right?

[1:31:43] Yeah, he's with Nail.

[1:31:44] He's with Nail and here he's with Melissa McCarthy.

[1:31:48] Can you ever forgive me?

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:50] He shows up in the new season of, he shows up in the new season of a series of unfortunate

[1:31:56] events working with a partner played by Beth Grant.

[1:32:01] And I don't know why I think it's so funny that they partnered up two people with the last

[1:32:06] name Grant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:08] This is pretty funny.

[1:32:10] As always, the E on Richard E. Grant stands for excellent.

[1:32:14] Okay.

[1:32:15] So that's Can You Ever Forgive Me?

[1:32:16] A movie I really liked a lot.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:18] Well, we've done it yet again.

[1:32:19] We've fulfilled our contractual obligation to the devil and put out another episode of this

[1:32:25] podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:26] Yeah.

[1:32:26] And what did we get in exchange for that punishment?

[1:32:28] I don't remember.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:29] These magic beans.

[1:32:30] We lost that fiddle contest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:33] We never should have wagered in magic beans in a fiddle contest.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:37] Why did we think that any of us could play the fiddle?

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:41] I was pretty sure I could figure it out.

[1:32:42] It doesn't look that hard.

[1:32:43] Yeah, it looks pretty easy.

[1:32:44] I mean, have you seen when people play it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:45] Yeah, when you get stuck in, it'll be fine.

[1:32:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:47] And when you see people play it, they're just going, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[1:32:50] They're just moving that thing back and forth.

[1:32:51] Like, it's not a piano.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:53] Yeah, I figured if I stomped my foot hard enough, it would work.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:58] And I remember at the time-

[1:32:59] Works for Mario.

[1:33:01] We were trying to help each other.

[1:33:03] While each of us was playing, the other two were being like, good sound, love it.

[1:33:07] And trying to dance to it to try to fool the devil into thinking that maybe he was wrong

[1:33:11] and that it was really good.

[1:33:12] Yeah.

[1:33:14] And then I started talking to him about, like, hey, do you realize Die Hard is a Christmas

[1:33:19] movie to just distract him?

[1:33:21] And he picked that up and, oh boy, now everybody, now every jerk in America wants to talk about

[1:33:26] that.

[1:33:26] So I'm sorry for unleashing that plague of darkness on the world.

[1:33:29] But, Dan, the magic beans, I don't even remember how they entered into the whole scenario.

[1:33:33] We wanted to eat them, right?

[1:33:36] Well, there were three of them.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:37] And we figured that if we each had one-

[1:33:39] It's barely a meal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:42] I like to say when you said barely a meal, as if it is a meal.

[1:33:45] It's just barely a meal.

[1:33:47] Like, one bean is not a meal.

[1:33:49] It reminds me of the great poem, The Potato and the Pea, which just goes, one potato makes

[1:33:55] a meal.

[1:33:56] One pea, no big deal.

[1:33:58] And this is the first poem that my son ever memorized.

[1:34:02] Oh, wow.

[1:34:03] But, yeah, so we've done it again.

[1:34:06] Old Nick, he can't make us do it anymore.

[1:34:10] And I guess we'll have to, we're haunted again every two weeks, right?

[1:34:14] Yeah.

[1:34:14] And that's when the next episode will come out?

[1:34:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:34:17] Theoretically.

[1:34:19] Wow.

[1:34:19] Wait, wait, wait, are you, was that, that was dark?

Dan McCoy

[1:34:21] A cliffhanger over here.

[1:34:22] I mean, you know, nothing's certain in this world.

[1:34:24] Yeah, that's fair, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:25] Dan, are you, are you planning to murder us?

[1:34:27] Like, what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:28] I'm not planning on it, but again, nothing's certain.

[1:34:31] I mean, it would be probably one of the least surprising ways for me to go.

[1:34:37] What would be the most surprising way for you to go, Stuart?

[1:34:41] I don't know, like, crushed under a pile of textbooks or something.

[1:34:47] Like a nerd.

[1:34:49] But then I guess, I guess I would have been, I'd be killed by my homework allergy at that

[1:34:53] point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:53] Yeah.

[1:34:54] I think the most unlikely way for me to go would probably be falling off the stage as I strut

[1:35:00] along in a charity bachelor auction.

[1:35:03] Uh-huh.

[1:35:05] I think that would probably, I would not go for much.

[1:35:08] I think I would not involve myself in that scenario.

[1:35:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:13] Yeah.

[1:35:14] All right.

[1:35:15] Yeah.

[1:35:15] And I mean, that would, that would cast a pall on the rest of the event.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:18] I mean, they'd still have to go on because they've got to raise money to buy the pool

[1:35:22] table for the rec center.

[1:35:23] But still.

[1:35:24] Yeah.

[1:35:24] Now, I guess, or maybe the least likely way for me to go would be like getting my head

[1:35:28] cut off by a helicopter blade because I'm pretty short.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:31] Yeah, that's, that's true.

[1:35:33] Yeah.

[1:35:34] And you don't go rush, they don't fly you anywhere in a helicopter.

[1:35:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:37] And also, John Landis isn't directing you in anything.

[1:35:39] Oh!

[1:35:42] Take that, John Landis.

[1:35:44] Wow.

[1:35:44] Take that.

[1:35:45] He listens to this, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35:47] He listens to this hoping his name gets mentioned.

[1:35:49] And now, wishing on a monkey paw caused it to be mentioned, but not the way he wanted.

[1:35:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:54] Cool, guys.

[1:35:55] We did it.

[1:35:56] I've been Stuart Willington of the Florp House.

[1:35:59] Okay.

[1:35:59] I guess we're doing this now.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:00] I mean, we have to, Dan, would you prefer we just dicker around and put off the inevitable

[1:36:04] or?

[1:36:05] I've been Dan McCoy of the Florp House.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:08] Yeah.

[1:36:08] We're a MaxFun podcast, yo.

[1:36:10] Check it out.

[1:36:11] MaxFun.org.

[1:36:12] There's other shows there.

[1:36:13] Hey, I'm Elliot.

[1:36:14] And who's that other guy in the corner?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:15] I'm Elliot Kalin asking you to please mention the Fork House to other people.

[1:36:20] And by the Fork House, I mean the Flophouse.

[1:36:22] Don't let you use my joke name.

[1:36:24] Please help us in spreading word to the Flophouse.

[1:36:25] Write us a review on iTunes.

[1:36:27] A good review would be even better.

[1:36:29] Tweet about us.

[1:36:29] Instagram about us.

[1:36:31] Periscope about us.

[1:36:32] Facebook Live about us.

[1:36:34] Snapchat about us.

[1:36:35] Tell your mom.

[1:36:36] Don't request Live about us?

[1:36:37] Yeah.

[1:36:38] Tell everybody about the Flophouse and listen to other MaxFun podcasts because there's great

[1:36:42] podcasts on MaxFun.

[1:36:44] And I've been for the Flophouse, Elliot Kalin, wishing you, as always, a pleasant January.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:51] Bye.

[1:36:52] Why do you always wish people a pleasant January?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:54] That's why it's weird because I wish people a pleasant January every other month.

[1:36:58] But January's going to come back.

[1:36:59] I've got a feeling January's coming back, guys.

[1:37:02] Good night, everyone.

[1:37:03] Good night, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:04] On this episode, we discuss the Meg.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:13] Welcome to Jurassic Shark.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:20] Now, Elliot, was the Megalodon a Jurassic animal or did Stuart...

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:26] That's a good question.

[1:37:28] That's a good question.

[1:37:29] I don't know.

[1:37:29] Let me take a look at it real quick.

[1:37:31] It could have been.

[1:37:33] Let's take a look at what period actually came from.

[1:37:38] The Megalodon.

[1:37:39] The Megalodon.

[1:37:40] Let's see.

[1:37:41] It was a time period.

[1:37:43] Ooh, no, it was not.

[1:37:45] It was not.

[1:37:47] No.

[1:37:48] Technically, the early Miocene to the end of the Pliocene.

[1:37:52] Ooh, long after the Jurassic period.

[1:37:55] Stuart, I'm going to have to give you a red card on this one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37:58] Oh, shit.

[1:37:58] And I've already got a red card.

[1:38:00] So that means I'm missing next...

[1:38:01] Oh, wait.

[1:38:02] No, that's yellow cards.

[1:38:03] I'm just missing next game and I'm probably not going to make any money for a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:38:07] And you'll lose that endorsement deal with...

[1:38:09] What was that lubricant company?

John Hodgman

[1:38:13] Maximumfun.org.

[1:38:15] Comedy and culture.

[1:38:16] Artist owned.

[1:38:17] Listener supported.

Ep. #275 - The Meg

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