FH Mini 132 - Stu Brings Down the Hammer

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] But hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington, one of the hosts of the Flophouse Podcast, and you

[0:08] are listening to the Flophouse Podcast.

[0:11] And this is not a main episode, this is a Flophouse Podcast mini episode.

[0:15] That's right, on the off weeks, instead of watching a bad movie and talking about it,

[0:18] we kind of do whatever we want.

[0:20] And today, I'm in the driver's seat.

[0:22] That means the lore master has returned.

[0:25] I shall be sharing one of my passions with my co-hosts.

[0:30] Introduce themselves now.

[0:32] Dan McCoy.

[0:34] Elliot Kalin, very nervous.

[0:35] I am introducing one of my passions to my co-hosts, and that passion is Warhammer 40,000, or as

[0:44] we fans of Warhammer call it, Whammer.

[0:47] So guys, we're going to be talking about Whammer 40K.

[0:52] I don't know enough to know if that's a joke.

Elliott Kalan

[0:55] Or if that's actually what Warhammer fans call it.

Stuart Wellington

[0:58] So you're going to have to trust me, I think.

[1:02] So in order to, I've explained a little bit about Whammer 40K to them in the past, but

[1:07] what we're going to do today is I had them watch an episode of a television program on the Amazon

[1:15] Prime Network.

[1:16] It's a program called Secret Level.

[1:18] This is an anthology animated show where they are, each episode is about a different video

[1:25] game or gamers or things like that.

[1:28] And each one has a different theme.

[1:30] And there is the fifth episode in the series is themed around Warhammer.

[1:36] It is titled Warhammer 40,000.

[1:38] Yep.

[1:38] Well, the title is Warhammer 40,000 colon.

[1:41] And they shall know no fear.

[1:45] Since this was a relatively short thing, I feel like this would be an interesting way

[1:49] to introduce my two buddies to a thing that I love.

[1:53] And we're going to see how it goes.

[1:55] So before we get into this, guys, did you have any background with other than me briefly

[2:01] explaining it on a, what, hour and a half long podcast?

[2:05] Do you have any understanding of Warhammer 40,000?

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] And at least one live show presentation also, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] Stuart, I can say that even after you explained it on a previous thing and a presentation,

[2:17] I have no understanding of what Warhammer is other than a thing that is played with little

[2:24] figurines and sort of a strategy game thing.

[2:30] I mean, like, it kind of exists in the nether realms between, you know, like a tabletop game

[2:38] and like a role-playing thing.

[2:41] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[2:41] Kind of.

[2:42] That's pretty close.

[2:42] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:43] And as you can see, and also, because this is a, this show, Secret Levels, all about video

[2:50] games, there has also been a number of video game adaptations of Warhammer.

[2:55] So, Elliot, you answer the question.

[2:56] What's your familiarity level?

Elliott Kalan

[2:58] I've never played it.

[2:59] I know it partly because you talk about it.

[3:01] I know a little bit, very, a tiny amount of the basic concept and premise and lore.

[3:06] And it's the kind of thing that I feel like I have enjoyed more as a thing that I only

[3:10] know little bits about.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:11] Rather than a thing I really immerse myself in.

[3:15] Yeah.

[3:15] Because I know there's a, there's a certain aspect of it that is, as they say, in Warhammer

[3:22] itself, in this show, and I know is the most important aspect of Warhammer, that it's in

[3:25] the grim, dark world of the future.

[3:27] Mm-hmm.

[3:27] And it gets a little, I think in general, the more, the deeper I try to delve into it,

[3:32] the grimmer it gets in a way that I find not fun.

Dan McCoy

[3:36] Well, let's also say, I mean, since you said specifically about like video games, this show,

[3:40] Secret Levels, is about various video games.

[3:43] Secret Level.

[3:45] Secret Level, sorry.

[3:46] I had not watched it.

[3:47] We discovered that an old acquaintance of Elliot and mine, J.T. Petty, a nice, nice guy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] Mr. Bruce, he directed our friend and former guest on the podcast, Eric Marzak, in the

[3:56] movie Sandman, which is a creepy, fake documentary horror movie.

[4:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:00] Glad to see him getting work, but I had not watched any of this show because also in video

[4:05] games, like I kind of tapped out around the Super Nintendo.

[4:08] I do have a Switch, but mostly just to like continue playing Mario games, whatever new Mario

[4:15] game comes out and that's basically it.

Stuart Wellington

[4:17] Elliot, you have two young boys.

[4:19] Are they super hardcore gamers yet?

[4:21] Are they big video gamers?

Elliott Kalan

[4:22] They certainly want to be.

[4:23] We've held the line on not having a video game system in the house, but recently they've

[4:28] been really getting into Minecraft, which kids love.

[4:32] Because they saw the movie and were inspired.

Dan McCoy

[4:34] Yes.

[4:34] I got to know what this chicken jockey is.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] They were so excited.

[4:37] I mean, they knew a little bit before they saw the movie, but the movie only fed that appetite

[4:41] more and made them hungry for more.

[4:44] But yeah, we don't have a lot of video games in our house.

[4:47] I was a big video game player when I was a kid.

[4:49] I was a big Nintendo guy, but I just don't have the time in my life these days, which is

[4:54] sad, really.

[4:55] I hear friends of mine and they're like, oh yeah, I just played through this game and

[4:58] now I'm playing through it again to all the extra stuff.

[4:59] And I'm like, oh, I wish I had time for hobbies.

[5:04] I wish I had time for...

[5:06] And this is...

[5:07] I dug my own grave when it comes to my schedule, so I'm not complaining about that.

[5:10] But yeah, so I'm outside the video game mainstream and my kids are not yet into it, but they really

[5:15] want to be in it.

[5:16] They want to be in that.

Stuart Wellington

[5:17] Someday.

[5:18] Someday they'll do what Nintendo...

[5:19] Wait.

[5:20] No, that's Genesis.

[5:21] Genesis does what Nintendo don't.

[5:23] Mm-hmm.

[5:23] I was a Genesis guy growing up.

[5:24] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] I just remember Genesis.

[5:25] It was the next level, right?

[5:28] Or whatever it was.

[5:29] Was it Genesis or which one said, you are not ready?

[5:33] And that was their slogan.

Dan McCoy

[5:34] I don't remember, Dan.

[5:34] Do you remember?

[5:35] I know that now you're playing with power when you have the power glove, which is a lie because

[5:40] it barely works.

Stuart Wellington

[5:41] It's actually not a very great accessory, yeah.

[5:44] Oh, it could have been.

[5:45] It could have been something special.

[5:47] Yeah.

[5:47] That and the Gyrobot.

[5:48] Okay.

[5:48] So, before we get into the plot, what there is in this episode, this is a tie-in to the

[5:58] Space, I think, Space Marine and Space Marine 2 video games.

[6:02] Okay.

[6:02] Space Marine 2 just kind of recently came out, which feature the main, the protagonist of

[6:07] those games is Lieutenant Titus, who is featured in this little...

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] The character of Titus from The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:16] I thought it was, yeah, the character Titus, not the actor.

[6:20] Not the actor.

[6:21] Or Christopher Titus, the comedian.

[6:23] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[6:24] Okay.

[6:25] So, as we said, in this, Warhammer 40,000 takes place in the grim darkness of the far future,

[6:32] 40,000 years in the future, okay?

[6:36] And we follow a, to give a quick summary, we follow a squad of Adeptus Astartes Ultramarines,

[6:46] Marine Blade Guard veterans.

[6:48] Oh, they're blue.

[6:49] As they go, yep, you're right.

[6:50] Double D, double die.

[6:52] As they are sent down on a mission to a planet that is held by the forces of chaos, and they

[6:58] have to identify and destroy a relic before, in turn, they themselves are going to most

[7:06] likely die.

[7:07] They believe going on this mission is a suicide mission.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] Says at the beginning, mortality, 100%.

Stuart Wellington

[7:11] Uh-huh.

[7:12] So, the actual episode begins, we get a voiceover narrative from the leader of this Blade Guard

[7:20] regiment, or this Blade Guard unit, Sergeant Metaurus, who is explaining a little bit about

[7:28] how a child, a human child, the psychological and physical training and changes that go into

[7:39] making them into a space marine soldier, a member of the Adeptus Astartes.

[7:43] Were you super excited about this idea, guys?

[7:46] What do you think of the art?

[7:47] There's explaining.

Dan McCoy

[7:49] I don't remember any plot to this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] At the beginning, he talks about how, like, you know, you make them obedient, you break

[7:56] them, but what if you took a child who never knew fear?

[7:58] That's the thing.

[7:59] I see.

[7:59] What could they be capable of if they were made into one of these giant monster marines

[8:04] wearing armor that is unstoppable and they can kill anything?

Dan McCoy

[8:07] I will have to say that having no particular context for Warhammer 4K.

[8:14] 40K.

[8:16] Warhammer 4K is 36,000 years earlier.

[8:18] I took a bunch of Ks off.

[8:21] I'm like, this seems like 4K to me.

[8:24] Too many Ks.

[8:26] I just like, without the Ks.

[8:27] Here's my first note.

[8:28] Do you need all the Ks?

[8:29] Yeah.

[8:30] It's a lot of Ks.

[8:31] I mean, all the budgets are going to go to that.

[8:35] Like, without any context, I'm sure that fans love, like, that there's no handholding.

[8:42] Me, I was like, what the fuck is going on?

[8:44] Especially because you call this grim dark.

[8:46] It might have been grim.

[8:47] I can't tell because it was so goddamn dark.

[8:49] I could not see any fucking thing that was going on in this goddamn episode.

Stuart Wellington

[8:53] Were you watching it on your laptop on the beach, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[8:56] I will say I did not watch it on, like, our, like, nice TV.

[9:01] I was watching it on a computer monitor that does not get as bright.

[9:04] But I would argue that, you know, maybe test it out on various screens.

[9:10] And if it's impossible to see on anything but the highest quality screen, send it back to the drawing board.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] Were you watching this on your laptop while doing dishes?

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] No, I was watching it on an iPad while eating, while eating lunch.

[9:23] So I was paying full attention to it.

[9:24] It was dark, but I knew that I was not giving it the best opportunity to shine.

[9:29] But I found, differently, it wasn't until the credits that I realized that these characters had names and were, like, characters.

[9:37] I thought they were just kind of generic who's-its.

[9:39] I didn't, it was very unclear to me.

[9:41] And by the end of it, it was like, okay, this is about the relationship between this guy and his protege.

[9:47] Like, the kid he trained who is now a space marine and is reaching the next level of strength and confidence and power.

[9:53] But it, I didn't get that relationship until the very end of the, the end of the thing.

[9:58] Like, it was, it was, I was like, oh, okay, oh, I guess I was supposed to be tracking the relationship between these characters.

[10:03] Because so much of it is just guys in armor killing the shit out of randos and, and then blowing things up.

Dan McCoy

[10:08] Yeah, I'm only getting it now that you are explaining it back to me.

Stuart Wellington

[10:12] So we, we, uh, after this brief, uh, introduction, we are then on a space marine battle barge where the Sergeant Matorus is getting the mission, uh, information that's come through this, like, kind of, uh, one of the, one of the themes of, uh, the human empire in Warhammer is that everything is, like, both a mix of high fantasy, like, like fantastical and also, like, old timey and kind of, like, junky.

[10:39] Like, they have latched onto technology and they're just trying to keep the same technology, even if it's, like, breaking and looks kind of a little bit crappy and a little bit, like, and very religious.

[10:51] Like, they, uh, space marines treat the act of war and preparing for war very religiously.

[10:55] So there's these, like, little guys hanging around that are, like, you know, wearing, like, monk's robes and they're, like, putting the armor on, uh, the Sergeant.

[11:04] And then he and the rest of his squad, after all being geared up, they climb aboard a drop pod, which is, like, a giant bullet, which is, like, a giant bullet, which is then fired at the planet and it lands and then they come stomping out.

[11:16] That was pretty cool, right?

[11:17] They're in, like, a giant flying bullet, right?

Elliott Kalan

[11:18] Yeah, I mean, these are all, hearing you describe it and when you've described the concepts in the past, each time you've described it, I've been, like, this sounds pretty cool.

[11:25] They sound really fun and, like, neat and the amount of work that's gone into figuring out every detail of it.

[11:31] They don't just take a drop ship down.

[11:32] They take, they're shot down because all this world knows is war.

[11:36] All this universe knows is war.

[11:37] So everything has a war aspect to it.

[11:39] Yeah.

[11:39] Even their vehicle is a bullet, you know.

[11:41] There's something kind of, like, cool and coherent about that.

[11:43] But seeing it, I'm like, oh, kind of unrelenting.

[11:46] Kind of unrelenting in one note.

[11:47] It is, yeah.

[11:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:49] Yeah.

[11:49] So they, yeah, there's not a lot of joy unless you're talking about battle joy.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] But even then, they're so, they do not have the, when I think battle joy, I think of, like, a Viking berserker.

[12:00] Where there's a certain amount of, like, ha-ha, we shall swim in blood today and we may die, but we may die gloriously.

[12:05] Whereas these characters are so, are so kind of emotionless, so joyless even in the fight that I was like, ugh, so nobody's liking this.

[12:15] Like, no, even the people, even the characters are not liking what they're doing, you know.

[12:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] I feel like there were, like, maybe 30 words spoken in this episode.

[12:23] Like, I appreciate trying to tell a story visually, but if you're going to do that, maybe turn some goddamn lights on.

[12:30] Lights on, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] Yeah, this old man, Dan, he has trouble with his eyes.

[12:33] His eyes can't see him so well.

[12:35] And this is something that I think we'll talk about as we go further into the story, but I have to mention it now so I don't forget.

[12:40] When, if you see, like, these invincible bruiser guys in armor who are totally joyless and they are just slicing their way through unarmored humans, to me those are the villains.

[12:52] Like, and maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

[12:53] Maybe I'm supposed, I'm not picking up on the kind of, like, British kind of, like, dark humor of this kind of, this Judge Dredd type stuff that I've seen in British comics.

[13:02] But here, it just felt like I obviously cannot sympathize with these guys because they are never in danger until the very end, I guess.

[13:08] And it's just evil guys mowing their way through people in masks and in Jeeps and Humvees.

[13:15] Yes.

[13:16] That, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[13:16] Yeah, that, I think, I think you touch on a thing that the Warhammer intellectual property has kind of struggled with translating outside of the game.

[13:26] Is that initially, you know, it was very 2000 AD, like, tongue-in-cheek dark humor.

[13:32] Like, there's a dark humor to the, like, the grimness of this future for humanity and these effectively, like, emotional warrior, emotionalist warrior monk superhuman soldiers whose act of worship is battle.

[13:46] Yeah.

[13:47] Like, there's something very, there was something very tongue-in-cheek initially, but as time has gone on.

[13:52] And over the top.

Elliott Kalan

[13:52] I feel like in British fantasy science fiction stuff, there's a lot of over-the-topness where you're supposed to get.

[13:57] Yes.

[13:57] This is so over-the-top that there's an element of irony to it.

[14:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:00] Yes.

[14:01] And, but as time has gone on, that line has blurred.

[14:05] Also, I think translating it to American audiences, which is the largest consumer of Warhammer stuff at this point.

[14:12] And Europe.

[14:13] But the.

[14:14] And until recently the best country in the world.

[14:17] Yeah.

[14:18] The, so the.

[14:21] So as time has gone on and they have, like, the elements of humor have kind of been shaved off a little bit.

[14:29] And it's been flattened out.

[14:30] So it isn't quite as, it isn't intended to be quite as silly as it actually kind of, it is when you step back and look at it as an adult.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] Yeah.

[14:40] I think the, the, it reminds me of the, a couple of different.

[14:44] I mean, one is the way that Judge Dredd has been handled.

[14:46] We're like, when you read those British comics to clear, like, Judge, this, this Judge Dredd is not a good thing.

[14:50] Like, if any society that has Judge Dredd in it is a failed society, you know, and you're supposed to take that for granted.

[14:56] But if you make a movie of it, it's like, well, of course he's a hero.

[14:59] And he's the, he's just the toughest cop in the world.

[15:01] And that's why he's so cool.

[15:02] He's the only one who can bring law to the, to the super blocks.

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] Okay.

[15:06] So the Space Marine veterans arrive.

[15:08] There's four of them.

[15:09] They're fully equipped in armor.

[15:11] They're carrying massive shields as well as high powered, uh, ranged weaponry.

[15:16] And Lieutenant Titus, uh, is, uh, is dragging along, has a chain and he is dragging a large sarcophagus along with him.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] That was the one element that was kind of funny to me that I liked was the idea that they've got to keep dragging this thing no matter what they're doing.

[15:31] And every now and then just a reminder of like, and they're going to pull this thing behind them.

[15:35] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[15:35] Well, it's a sign of like the, there's a regular element of Space Marine stuff where it's like, there's a, there's like an element of duty.

[15:42] Like it's a duty and worship.

[15:44] Um, and they, uh, they attract the attention of a bunch of, of humanoid worshipers of the ruinous powers, the gods of chaos.

[15:54] Who are, I would argue, the primary antagonist in the Warhammer 40,000 universe.

[16:00] Now do you, I have told you guys multiple times, so this will really upset me if you don't remember.

[16:04] Can you tell me the names of the four gods of chaos?

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] Of course.

[16:08] Sure.

[16:08] There's Glympus, uh, the God, the God of, where'd my keys go?

[16:12] Okay.

[16:13] There's Porpoise, the God of the waters.

[16:16] Uh-huh.

[16:16] Yeah.

[16:17] Uh, yeah.

[16:18] He squeaks a lot.

[16:19] Yeah.

[16:20] There's Shelfus, the God of the chaos of poorly organized stores.

[16:24] Yeah.

[16:24] Can't find what you're looking for.

[16:26] And there's also, uh, Krampus, which is like Krampus, but his hair is crimped.

Stuart Wellington

[16:31] Mm-hmm.

[16:32] Yep.

[16:32] And Dan, can you name the greater demons of each of those four chaos gods?

Dan McCoy

[16:37] Well, uh, was chaos the, in, uh, Get Smart, was that the organization?

[16:43] Yeah, I believe it was.

[16:44] Yeah.

[16:44] Yeah, there's, uh, so, of course, uh, it's Don Adams.

[16:47] Uh-huh.

[16:48] And, um, Barbara Felden.

[16:50] Yeah.

[16:51] Thank you for reminding me who Agent 99 was.

[16:53] Yeah.

[16:53] I couldn't remember.

[16:54] And, of course, uh, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks.

[16:57] Yeah, yeah.

[16:57] You nailed it.

[16:58] I don't believe Carl Reiner was involved in the show, but Mel Brooks was.

Elliott Kalan

[17:01] I don't think you, and Buck Henry.

[17:02] Buck Henry was the.

[17:03] Maybe I was, imagine, maybe I was mixing them up.

[17:05] That was the one where, uh, where Buck Henry was always like, I created that show, not Mel Brooks.

Stuart Wellington

[17:09] So the, uh, so these, uh.

[17:11] Did we get it right, Sue?

[17:12] You nailed it.

[17:13] No question.

[17:14] No notes.

Elliott Kalan

[17:15] This was another, this confusion.

[17:16] At a certain point, I'm like, okay, they're on this planet.

[17:19] These guys who keep just showing up and to get killed must be their opponents.

[17:23] But the idea that they were worshipers of a, of a chaos god or something, that did not,

[17:27] that, that didn't come through to me.

[17:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] Humanoid cultists of the forces of chaos.

[17:31] So they, they arrive and they're very Mad Maxi.

[17:34] Right there.

[17:35] Yeah.

[17:35] Mad Maxi pad.

[17:36] Yeah.

[17:36] And they, they, uh.

[17:39] That was a short-lived tie-in to the original movies.

[17:41] Yeah.

[17:42] Yeah.

[17:42] Didn't, didn't sell super well.

[17:44] Yeah.

[17:44] The, uh, so they, they attack these four space marines.

[17:47] These four space marines are horribly outnumbered.

[17:50] Seems like they're in trouble.

[17:52] No, it doesn't.

[17:52] But what happens, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] They just kill all of them.

[17:55] They just mow their way through these guys.

[17:56] They're chopping them in half.

[17:57] They're blowing them up.

[17:58] They're shooting, shooting them with big guns.

Stuart Wellington

[17:59] Like, like, motorcycles are ramming into these armored giants only to explode or go flying off.

[18:06] I wish I had seen this.

[18:07] Yeah.

[18:07] This sounds really cool.

[18:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] Their shield, their shields are strong enough that like a tank type or, or some, some kind

[18:12] of mounted artillery gun is fired at them and they just, it just bounces off their shield.

[18:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[18:18] Yeah.

[18:18] It's a, it's a tank with a, like a heavy Gatling weapon.

[18:20] Uh, and the, the shells are bouncing off their shields.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] There's a lot of chopping people in half that were like stabbing a, stabbing a, a, like

[18:28] a sword straight through somebody's body, impaling them on it.

[18:31] Doesn't someone's head get like just, just exploded with a headbutt or something like

[18:35] that?

[18:36] I can't remember.

Stuart Wellington

[18:36] Exploded with a headbutt.

[18:37] One guy's head gets crushed under a space marines armored gauntlet.

[18:41] Yes.

[18:41] Uh, and there, there's a, they are both, uh, despite their size, they are very fast and

[18:47] they're very efficient.

[18:48] Not a lot of additional movement.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] Yes.

[18:50] They're just, despite the fact that they're wearing this enormous bulky armor.

[18:53] They move like John Wick, you know, it's just, yeah, no, no wasted movement.

[18:58] And that is.

[18:58] They're always knowing where they need to be.

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] Yeah.

[19:00] I will say that this is fairly accurate to the background and lore.

[19:04] These space, space marines are faster than you would expect, expect both because of their

[19:09] training.

[19:09] They, as well as the, the like accentuators and servos in their, uh, seralite powered armor.

[19:17] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[19:18] But, um, and, but this is, this is one of those where like the violence is very gruesome and

[19:22] over the top, but not so far that it becomes ludicrous.

[19:26] You know, instead it always looked like it to me, like it was supposed to be cool.

[19:29] And I kind of wish if it was, they're like mashing people up in their hands by the dozens,

[19:34] you know, or they're like, you, you run your sword through four guys at the same time, you

[19:38] know, like that, that's the kind of stuff where it might've, for me at least might've started

[19:41] getting to that level of like, oh, okay.

[19:42] I'm, this is tongue in cheek or like, I'm not supposed to take this straight.

[19:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] Yeah.

[19:45] The, uh, and then of course, uh, after killing all these guys, uh, the Sergeant hands Titus

[19:52] the chain to the sarcophagus, sarcophagus.

[19:54] So he has to keep dragging it.

[19:56] Duty is not over.

[19:57] Only as they say in Warhammer, only in death does duty end.

[20:02] Um, duty, D-U-T-Y, not D-O-O-T.

Dan McCoy

[20:05] I mean, in death duty also ends.

[20:07] I mean, like there's one big one at the end.

[20:09] There's the one big one at the end.

[20:10] Actually in death, you get the biggest one yet.

[20:12] Yeah.

[20:13] But then at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[20:14] Is it known as being the biggest one?

Dan McCoy

[20:16] I assume it's the biggest one.

[20:18] You're voiding everything at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[20:20] Yeah, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] Well, cause that's, that's the uneaten food in your body trying to get out so it can find

[20:24] a new host.

[20:25] So all of it's coming right out.

[20:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:27] I've only cleaned up one death turd in my life.

[20:29] Okay.

[20:29] And it was not necessarily the largest, but oh boy, howdy.

[20:32] It did not smell good.

[20:33] I'm sure it smelled bad.

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] So Stuart, you know what the name of your band is going to be?

[20:37] Death Turd.

Stuart Wellington

[20:40] Yeah.

[20:40] And it's, you know, like a dance pop type situation.

[20:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[20:44] Interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] You're trying to do, you're trying to do what, for America, what, what K-pop has been doing

[20:48] for the rest of the world, which is just bring fun.

[20:50] Fun and kind of big emotions.

[20:52] Yeah, yeah.

[20:52] Dance routines.

[20:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:54] Yeah.

[20:54] A lot of like, like a lot of like hand hearts.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] Yes.

[20:57] But you do hand turds.

[20:58] Like what you do, like kind of a more of a, more of a poop shape with your hand.

Stuart Wellington

[21:01] Yeah, show me, show me, show me, show me with your hands what your turds look like, Elliot.

[21:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] Immaculately formed, you know, just what you want them to be.

Dan McCoy

[21:11] You're a lucky middle-aged man.

[21:14] What?

[21:14] I said, you're a lucky middle-aged man then.

[21:17] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] No, it's one of the things I excel at.

[21:19] Yeah.

[21:19] Elliot High Fiber Kalen.

[21:21] So, um.

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] In the grim poop world of the future.

[21:24] Only the elites have the best turds.

[21:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:26] That's a, that's a different chaos god there.

[21:29] Yeah.

[21:30] So, um.

[21:30] War Pooper 4,000.

[21:31] The, or the space marines then slide down a massive.

[21:34] War Pooper 40 year old thousand.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] That's what it is.

[21:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[21:37] Uh, the space marines then have to slide down what seems to be like a massive chasm.

[21:43] Uh.

Elliott Kalan

[21:43] Massive chasm is another great name for a band.

Stuart Wellington

[21:45] It's great, right?

[21:46] Yeah.

[21:46] Uh, the chasm is a great death metal band.

[21:49] And for a butt.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:51] For a butt.

[21:52] That's a great name for a butt.

[21:53] Sure.

[21:54] Um.

[21:55] Massive chasm magazine.

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:57] Yeah.

[21:58] Massive chasms with massive chasms.

[22:02] Guys, why are we in this business?

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] No, we should be in the proctology porn based magazine industry.

[22:09] Which is doing so well right now, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[22:11] Yeah.

[22:11] That's crushing.

[22:12] Print is just, you know, killing it.

[22:14] Oh, man.

[22:14] Oh, wow.

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Stuart Wellington

[23:39] Let's get back to Warhammer, guys.

[23:41] Warhammer, too.

[23:42] Okay.

[23:42] So the space marines find themselves in a lightless cavern that has tiled, like stone-tiled floors.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] There's no dialogue through all of this.

[23:52] It's entirely visual fighting stuff.

[23:55] There's no talking.

[23:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:56] Yeah, no communication.

[23:57] The only communication is through, I guess, body movement.

[24:01] Yeah.

[24:01] And the space marines are ambushed by a squad of mutant creatures.

[24:09] Can you describe these creatures?

[24:11] I'm not going to ask Dan because he couldn't see it.

[24:13] Kelly, can you describe them?

Dan McCoy

[24:14] Yeah, it was funny to me when you said lightless cavern.

[24:15] I'm like, oh, that was different from before.

[24:17] Were there more than one of these?

Elliott Kalan

[24:18] I thought there was just the one.

Stuart Wellington

[24:20] This was – so they got ambushed by a group of, like, bird-like mutants known in lore

[24:27] as Zangor as they are worshippers of the chaos god Zinch, the trickster, lord of deceit.

[24:36] And that's where the space marines slaughter them and their blood or ichor splatters everywhere

[24:41] in, like, a neon blue, right?

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] Oh, that's right.

[24:44] Because you know what?

[24:45] I totally forgot this part.

[24:47] So I thought about afterwards when the space marines seemed to have met their match.

[24:51] That's what I was thinking.

[24:52] I don't even remember these characters at all.

[24:54] I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[24:54] So that's fine.

[24:55] So the space marines dispatch these foes, again, pretty handily, and they make it to

[25:01] this large, almost cathedral-like structure, deep underground, it seems.

[25:06] There's a huge statue inside of it.

[25:08] There's a huge statue.

[25:09] This is clearly their target.

[25:12] Upon arrival, before they try to destroy the statue, they finally open up this sarcophagus.

[25:18] Can you describe what's inside, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[25:20] Inside, there's just a dude.

[25:22] There's a monk dude.

[25:23] And he's going to murmur some prayers in order to create, what, like a shield for them, a

[25:28] kind of force field barrier for them to protect them against the unholy power of this chaos

[25:33] statue.

Dan McCoy

[25:34] Is this a non-moving shield?

[25:36] Is it like, why is that?

[25:38] Yeah.

[25:39] Because I'm like, why does it have to wait until this point?

[25:42] They will pull them out of the...

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] This is why they, this is when they're, I assume that they're, it's a spiritual shield.

[25:48] This is for a, this is to protect them from the occult powers rather than from the guys

[25:54] on trucks with guns, which they are totally good at.

Dan McCoy

[25:57] You know, I'm wondering why he has to be dragged into sarcophagus.

[25:59] I mean, obviously...

[26:00] Because it's cool, Dan.

[26:01] Because it's cool.

[26:02] And to protect him.

[26:02] But also to protect him.

[26:03] Well, obviously to protect him.

[26:04] But if he can, if he had shield powers, I'm saying, like, couldn't he have just come...

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] But again, his shield power is only for the, for the mystical properties, which is how he

[26:10] gets killed so totally easily.

[26:12] I understand now.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] I just...

[26:13] This is, yeah, this is a, this is a sanctioned psyker in the war, in the Warhammer 40,000 universe.

[26:20] There are human, humans and other races that have, are blessed by being touched by the

[26:26] warp.

[26:27] So they have access to psychic abilities.

[26:29] Ah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:30] And does he have, are his eyes covered, right?

Stuart Wellington

[26:32] Yes.

[26:32] He reminds me a lot of...

[26:33] He has like a steel, like, covering over his eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:37] Because he reminds me a lot of the character, I think his name is Eggplant Man from Akira,

[26:40] from the comic books, who has, his eyes are covered and he has an eye drawn on his forehead

[26:44] and he's the guy who's always like, I can see over there, they're over there.

[26:46] And he's just a real...

[26:47] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:48] Similarly, has psychic powers.

[26:50] Yeah.

[26:50] And he's like, there's this element of like techno arcane type machinery.

[26:57] And yeah, as he is chanting an imperial prayer, it creates a shield around them and the space

[27:03] marines begin attacking this massive statue.

[27:06] The statue has a defense mechanism.

[27:07] It releases a mutated chaos demon sorcerer character that flits about on these bone wings

[27:17] and it uses its powers to conjure up this like spear of dark energy that it rams through the psyker

[27:27] and then gives the...

[27:29] And that moment, that shield is gone and it then is able to use its massive power to stop time

[27:36] and attack the space marines one by one.

Elliott Kalan

[27:39] And it does...

[27:40] So its face kind of unfolds, you know, to open it, to reveal this eye and then it's getting

[27:44] like, getting into their minds, right?

[27:46] And kind of destroying them from...

[27:48] Psychically?

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] It opens up...

[27:49] Its face unfolds to this singular massive eye with a pupil down, like split down the center.

[27:56] And then that opens again to form like a weird mouth.

[28:01] Yeah.

[28:01] What do you think of the design of that?

Elliott Kalan

[28:03] I mean, that's undeniably cool.

[28:05] This whole character, super cool.

[28:06] I don't love the bone wings too much.

[28:08] And the way he kind of like struts over to do...

[28:11] I feel like this is one of those worlds where every character is always strutting like,

[28:15] I'm super tough.

[28:16] And I get my fill of that.

[28:18] That is Warhammer.

[28:19] But this is a great monster design.

[28:20] I love any monster that has no eyes, but then its face opens up and there's an eye and then

[28:24] the face opens...

[28:24] The eye opens up for a mouth with teeth in it.

[28:26] Extra eyes, extra mouths.

[28:28] Love that stuff.

[28:28] Dan, you love this stuff.

[28:29] You were all over it, right?

Dan McCoy

[28:30] You could do a montage of the dubious and confused looks that I am.

[28:35] Like, I kind of rewatched this thing, I guess, on like...

[28:40] Yeah!

[28:41] I'm on TV this time because, like, I thought it was absolutely madness how little I could

[28:48] see anything that was going on.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] I mean, it is the madness of the far future when there's only war, yeah.

[28:52] But I thought this...

[28:53] I mean, one thing...

[28:53] So, a reason that I wish I could get onto the Warhammer wavelength a little more is I

[28:58] do like a lot of their monster designs.

[28:59] Like, they have great monster and creature designs and this one looks really cool.

[29:04] And it's cool that finally the Ultramarines or whatever they're called...

[29:08] Yes, they are Ultramarines.

[29:09] Sons of Ultramar.

[29:10] Have met their...

[29:12] Scions?

[29:12] Have seemingly met their match.

Stuart Wellington

[29:14] Of Rebuté-Gouloman.

[29:15] Their primar.

Elliott Kalan

[29:16] Okay.

[29:18] You could just be making it up.

[29:19] It's possible.

[29:21] But finally, something can hurt them because it's not trying to hurt them physically, but,

[29:25] you know, psychically.

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] You know, scionically.

[29:26] Mm-hmm.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:27] So, their strength of arms is of no use as this sorcerer is able to get into their minds.

[29:36] And one by one, it is picking them out and taking them into this, like, mental vortex where they are forced to face their darkest fears or shortcomings.

[29:46] And one by one, they are collapsing until it finally...

[29:50] It takes out the sergeant.

[29:52] The sergeant's fear in this case is that he has not trained his...

[29:57] That somewhere in the process, his protege, Titus, will be turned to chaos.

[30:03] And in that vision, that's what defeats him.

[30:06] So, the sergeant collapses.

Elliott Kalan

[30:07] I have to admit, I did not understand any of that when I was watching it.

[30:10] I didn't quite follow what was going on in it.

[30:12] But I knew it was something bad.

Stuart Wellington

[30:14] The sorcerer then attempts the same maneuver on Titus, but we realize Titus was the youth in the beginning who has never known fear.

[30:22] And so, this sorcerer's psychic attack is worthless.

[30:27] And the illusion he has created is shattered as Titus destroys his staff and then cuts him right down the middle, splitting him in half.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] The kind of thing that you wonder why none of the Marines did...

[30:40] I guess time was stopped.

[30:41] That's why.

[30:41] Because you wonder...

[30:43] That's why.

[30:44] Because I was like, why didn't Titus do this when he was attacking all the others?

[30:47] Like, he could have just walked up to him and killed him.

[30:49] I guess time was stopped is what you're saying.

[30:51] I don't think I fully understood that.

[30:52] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:53] So, the mission has been completed.

[30:56] They knew that it was going to be a suicide mission.

[31:01] Their efforts has drawn the attention of what appears to be a massive army of chaos cultists.

[31:06] Titus drags his sergeant out of the temple.

[31:10] And the sergeant's like, our job's done here.

[31:13] And Titus is like, no, no, no.

[31:14] And he runs off to fight this massive army of chaos cultists seemingly by himself.

[31:19] And knowing that he is in the video game, he's going to survive, guys.

[31:24] Unless this takes place after the video game.

[31:26] Unless this takes place after...

[31:27] Yeah, this is...

[31:28] Unless there's going to be a third Space Marine game where you play Titus.

[31:32] In which case, it would have to take place after that.

[31:35] Yeah, that's true.

[31:36] So, guys, that was our trip through Warhammer 40,000.

[31:41] Do you feel like you know more about Warhammer now than you did before?

Dan McCoy

[31:45] I feel like every time you say anything new about Warhammer, like, I understand less.

[31:51] Like, a piece of my brain falls out of my ear every time this happens.

[31:57] They don't...

[31:59] It's just certain things in this world were not meant for me to the degree that, like, my body rejects them.

[32:07] Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[32:07] I don't know if I necessarily understand more about Warhammer.

[32:13] I guess now I know there's, like, characters.

[32:16] There are characters.

[32:16] There's, like, named characters.

[32:18] It's not just, like, Grimmel Mob, the...

[32:21] Oh, so they can go to USA.

[32:22] Grimmel Mob, the Fenestrator, or stuff like that, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Yeah, I feel like it would be good for the USA Network because characters are welcome in Warhammer.

Elliott Kalan

[32:30] I mean, they've been trying to make a Warhammer show for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] They made a deal with Amazon, yeah.

[32:37] The...

[32:37] So, you know that there's a little bit of background in characters.

[32:41] Now, is...

[32:43] Having seen...

[32:44] Having seen this episode, how inclined are you to look up more Warhammer content?

Dan McCoy

[32:51] I mean, I guess I'm inclined to, again, go back and try and watch this again to see if, like...

[32:56] It was...

[32:57] You know, see how different it looks.

Elliott Kalan

[33:00] I feel like, Dan, you need to go back and watch it again,

[33:02] and then if it still looks the same, I think you need to see your optometrist.

[33:05] Probably.

Dan McCoy

[33:06] That's true, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] I am not particularly inclined.

[33:10] Again, I found it...

[33:11] I found the...

[33:12] As much as I like the idea of the grimdark world of the future,

[33:17] actually spending time in that world, I find a little...

[33:21] Not for me.

[33:21] A little unpleasant.

[33:22] You know, especially if...

[33:23] I think maybe if I lived in a real world that felt less grim,

[33:27] I would be able to take more joy in being in an over-the-top, depressing, kind of like dark world of war, you know.

Dan McCoy

[33:34] Who at the beginning of this said that I have a Switch mostly to keep up with the further adventures of Mario.

[33:40] I like Happy Light, clearly.

Stuart Wellington

[33:43] Yeah, I mean, I think all these things are fair.

[33:47] The...

[33:48] And I think it hurts.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] And this shouldn't hurt my enjoyment of it, but it does hurt my enjoyment of it,

[33:52] knowing that there are fans out there who are not engaging with it on an ironic level.

[33:57] But think that when they're watching this show, they're like, yeah, fuck yeah.

[34:01] Look at them, you know, just slice their way through those guys.

[34:04] Shit.

[34:04] Oh, they're so tough.

[34:05] Man.

[34:06] Oh, they don't know.

[34:07] He doesn't know fear.

[34:08] Oh, God, yeah, that's awesome.

[34:09] Like, that's...

[34:10] But I mean, that's...

[34:10] It hurts me to know that there are people watching it who are just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[34:14] Yeah, but does that affect your opinion of, you know, other things that are just taken on the most surface of values,

[34:21] like the legions of people who watch Fight Club and they're like, yeah, I should start a fucking Fight Club.

Elliott Kalan

[34:28] I mean, it does, honestly.

[34:29] I think the difference is there's...

[34:31] Like, I do have that...

[34:32] Fight Club in particular, I have that issue with.

[34:34] But there's...

[34:35] I think there are certain things that I got into at a young enough age early enough that I was able...

[34:40] Like Star Wars, for instance.

[34:41] Like, I don't love a lot of Star Wars fans, but I got into it on my own terms.

[34:45] And I feel like now it's Warhammer.

[34:47] It's...

[34:48] I know too much about some of the fan base to get into it just on my own terms and not think about that.

[34:53] But that's on me.

[34:54] That's on me.

[34:54] That's not on the work itself, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[34:56] Okay.

[34:57] And then before we wrap up, I have a question from listeners.

[35:02] This is often asked, but I think it's very fitting with the upcoming release of the new edition of the Horus Heresy Warhammer 30K game,

[35:15] where you get to play out...

[35:17] 30K?

[35:17] 30K, 10,000 years before the events of Warhammer 40,000.

[35:21] So this is all with Warhammer characters when they were babies.

[35:24] This is the age...

[35:25] In a way, this is the age of darkness where the Space Marine Legions engaged in a massive civil war that nearly tore the universe apart.

[35:35] Wow.

[35:35] My question...

[35:36] The question that they want to know is, guys, which of the 20 Space Marine Legions are you going to pick up and play for Warhammer 30,000 and why?

[35:47] Probably the Baseball Furies.

[35:49] Baseball Furies.

[35:50] Baseball Furies.

[35:50] That's actually a pretty good one.

[35:52] I was going to think that that was your choice.

[35:54] Is it because you like their Primark the most?

[35:57] What was the name of the Primark again of the Baseball Furies?

[36:00] That store that has like the t-shirts in it?

[36:02] Yeah.

[36:04] Love it.

[36:05] Why Baseball Furies, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[36:07] You know, they just got some Elan, some style.

[36:11] Oh, yeah.

[36:12] Verve.

Stuart Wellington

[36:13] Okay.

[36:13] Yeah.

[36:14] I like baseball.

[36:15] Okay.

[36:16] And that's the Baseball Furies are firmly on the side of chaos under a Warmaster Horus fighting against the god emperor of mankind.

[36:23] Elliot, which Space Marine Legion are you going to pick?

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] I guess I'm going to have to go with the Kushkins.

[36:30] They're Kushballs with faces and hands.

[36:32] And there's just the one that's the two eyes on socks.

[36:33] Clearly super soldiers.

[36:35] Yeah, super soldiers.

[36:36] Exactly.

[36:36] They're, I guess, genetically manipulated humans or humanoids that have become kind of like fuzzy ball shapes.

[36:44] And I think they bounce around.

[36:46] And I think that'll be a fun power to play with.

[36:48] Oh, they're kind of like the Madballs.

Stuart Wellington

[36:50] Yes, they're very like Madballs.

[36:51] Yeah.

[36:52] Unfortunately, their mutation singled them out as being tainted by the warp.

[36:56] And it was horrible what happened to their home planet at the hands of, it seems like the Imperial Fists wiped out their home planet.

[37:03] Yeah, yeah.

[37:03] That's terrible.

[37:03] They destroyed Kushworld.

[37:04] The sons of Rogel Dorn.

[37:06] Always hardline imperialists.

[37:09] Well, that's good to know.

[37:10] I think that's, I hope that answers our listeners' questions.

[37:13] Of course, I am the most duplicitous and dubious of the Flopsters.

[37:18] So that would mean I'm playing Alpha Legion, baby, Alpharius and Omegon, twin Primarks.

[37:24] Uh-oh.

[37:24] That's why I'm doing it because I like two Primarks for the price of one.

Elliott Kalan

[37:28] But what is the, so what is the difference between two Primarks or one Primark?

[37:32] Just more of them?

[37:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[37:34] Double Primarks.

[37:36] They're also smaller.

[37:37] Okay.

[37:37] See, the Alpha Legion Primarks are smaller so they can kind of blend in with the rest of their Legion.

[37:41] Because the Alpha Legion, they're being tricksters, they all, the true identity of who their Primark is, Alpharius, is shrouded in mystery.

[37:50] Uh-oh.

[37:51] I like a mystery.

[37:53] But that's for the next time when I do an entire mini where I explain the Alpha Legion to my two friends.

[37:58] Wow.

[37:59] Okay, so this was Stuart explaining Stuart as his role of the lore master.

[38:04] Tries to share one of his many passions with Dan and Elliot to, let's say, mixed results.

[38:11] But I enjoy your enthusiasm.

[38:13] Thank you.

[38:14] That's what's important is encourage people's enthusiasm as long as nobody's getting hurt.

[38:18] Yeah.

[38:18] This is a mini episode of the Flophouse podcast.

[38:24] Full episodes are every other week where we watch a bad movie and talk about it.

[38:28] This episode is produced by Alexander Smith, who goes by Howell Doughty on the internet.

[38:33] You should check him out.

[38:34] He does all kinds of great things on Twitch, Bandcamp, et cetera.

[38:39] For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[38:42] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] I'm Alpha Primark Torius Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[38:47] Oh, full title.

[38:49] I love it.

[38:50] Okay.

[38:51] Bye.

FH Mini 132 - Stu Brings Down the Hammer

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