Ep. #279 - The Dark Tower LIVE

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss the dark tower live in Brooklyn, New York.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:39] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:47] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:48] And I'm Hallie Haglund.

[0:49] Wait a minute, there's an extra person here, Hallie.

[1:05] I'm amazed at her, not everyone else.

[1:06] That was the joke.

[1:10] We went over this, dude.

[1:13] Not to make bad jokes?

[1:14] No.

[1:15] Yeah.

[1:16] Wait, when did we go over the don't make bad jokes rule?

[1:20] So I said Hallie's name three times in the mirror, and she appeared.

[1:26] It only works if you've already arranged for Hallie to meet you at the place where you

[1:34] are.

[1:35] So guys, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[1:40] And on this episode, we watched The Dark Tower, which we explained to you right before the

[1:44] music played.

[1:47] And that takes you to now.

[1:49] Okay.

[1:50] So if you're a time traveler, you're all caught up.

[1:53] Wait, hold on.

[1:55] And now, this week's exciting episode of the Flophouse is brought to you by Lucky Strikes.

[2:04] Lucky Strikes.

[2:05] It's a radio show?

[2:06] Yeah.

[2:07] I was going to do...

[2:08] It's a bowling radio show.

[2:10] Yeah, that's right.

[2:12] Legally different from the other Lucky Strikes.

[2:16] I was reminiscing with someone recently about a thing that you don't see much on TV anymore,

[2:21] which is bumpers for TV shows that then announce the sponsors.

[2:25] And my favorite of those was on The X-Files.

[2:27] The guy had to do a quick change in tone, because he had to say, The X-Files is brought

[2:33] to you by rolled gold pretzels.

[2:36] Because The X-Files has to sound creepy, but rolled gold pretzels doesn't want to sound

[2:40] creepy.

[2:41] No.

[2:42] You don't want to be like...

[2:44] I can't believe that it happened so recently.

[2:45] I mean, not that The X-Files wasn't recently, but that shocks me that it was even that recently,

[2:51] that they were still doing it.

[2:52] That they're still doing this?

[2:53] Hey, you know, that was longer ago than you think it was, Allie.

[2:55] You're older than you think.

[2:58] And then my gray hair just appears.

[3:02] Allie's sporting a great rogue-style gray streak in her hair.

[3:06] It's all natural, girls.

[3:12] So Dan, The Dark Tower, what's that like a TV show?

[3:16] Stephen King read a poem once called The Child Rollin' to the Dark Tower Came, or something

[3:23] like that.

[3:24] And he was like, Hey, that sounds cool.

[3:26] Let me write seven books about this.

[3:30] And then they made a movie based on all seven of them, right?

[3:33] Kind of.

[3:34] What I like is, he did with a poem what they do with Star Wars action figures, where they're

[3:42] We gotta tell the story of everyone involved in this.

[3:45] What's this Dark Tower about?

[3:46] Who's rollin'?

[3:47] What's going on?

[3:48] Who's that guy in the background?

[3:49] Maybe he should have a story.

[3:50] Spin him off.

[3:51] Come on.

[3:52] What's Nyanyab's story?

[3:53] I mean, I do want to know what Nyanyab's story is.

[3:58] You happen to hit on one of the few Star Wars aliens where I'm like, Yeah, give me a spin

[4:01] off of that guy.

[4:02] Where's my salacious crumb movie?

[4:06] Where's my Wanda Payne movie?

[4:07] How'd he get so salacious?

[4:08] Yeah, how'd he get so salacious?

[4:09] I think we've covered this in a podcast before.

[4:11] Is he related to R. Crumb or not?

[4:14] They have a similar interest in, you know, larger folk.

[4:18] Okay.

[4:19] Alright.

[4:20] Yeah, do you remember that R. Crumb, Jabba the Hutt comic strip he drew?

[4:26] Yeah.

[4:27] It was really sexy.

[4:28] It was really too much.

[4:30] So Hallie, you love fantasy.

[4:34] There's nothing that you would have enjoyed more than watching this movie, right?

[4:38] I texted Dan and I was like, I'm making a strict rom-com policy every time I participate

[4:45] in these.

[4:46] Or horror movies.

[4:47] Do you like horror movies?

[4:48] Oh, yeah.

[4:49] I open it up to horror movies.

[4:50] But not like sci-fi horror movies.

[4:52] Like actual people are getting murdered and there's romantic tension, you know.

[4:58] But between the people and the murderer, or?

[5:03] Hopefully.

[5:04] Now, Dan, I've never read these Dark Tower books.

[5:08] You have.

[5:10] Do you think that for a seven book epic series, I have to assume, I'm guessing sprawling with

[5:16] dozens or if not hundreds of characters, do you think a one hour and 30 minute film adequately

[5:21] captured the scope of the story?

[5:24] This epic tale?

[5:27] It was pretty good at getting like, I don't know, like half of the first book and then

[5:31] like a few pages of the last three books.

[5:35] I feel like that was sort of what they were going for, maybe.

[5:39] Like greatest hits?

[5:40] Yeah, that's right.

[5:41] It felt like the movie was made by a kid who had a book report the next day in the form

[5:46] of a movie.

[5:47] And he's like, I only got like halfway through the first book.

[5:50] I'll just read the last page of the last book and I'll make the movie out of that.

[5:54] Dan, should we talk to people about what happened in this movie in case like most of the world,

[6:00] they haven't seen it?

[6:02] So, the Dark Tower starts, fittingly enough, with darkness, a black screen and there's

[6:09] text on the screen.

[6:12] That tells us.

[6:13] Which is appropriate because it's based on a book, which is text on a page.

[6:19] On a dark page.

[6:20] It's all printed on black pages with white letters.

[6:24] It's really like they spent a fortune in ink doing it that way.

[6:27] But it had to be that way.

[6:30] It worked.

[6:32] The text on screen tells us that there's a tower that stands at the center of the universe

[6:37] and protects the universe from darkness.

[6:39] The mind of a child can bring it down.

[6:42] Now, don't, don't worry.

[6:44] Don't worry.

[6:46] That same concept will be mentioned to you several more times throughout the film.

[6:50] I missed all of that.

[6:56] I mean, it's literally the first thing you see in the movie.

[6:59] So, which cat were you petting instead of watching the movie?

[7:03] I don't know.

[7:04] Literally, I was like, why are all these kids involved?

[7:07] Even until this moment.

[7:11] Did you do the thing I do sometimes where I start the movie and I'm like, it's time

[7:14] to go pop some popcorn.

[7:15] And I come back and I'm like, Ben Kingsley, what's he doing here?

[7:21] What's the...

[7:22] In your apartment.

[7:23] What's the part of the movie where they're...

[7:24] That's my popcorn, Ben Kingsley.

[7:27] Guys, Ben Kingsley sublets space from Halle in her apartment.

[7:31] We all know this.

[7:32] Guys, when you're watching a movie...

[7:34] He did it off his space.

[7:37] What's the part of the movie that you think is least likely to have necessary information

[7:43] for the rest of the film?

[7:44] Certainly, the opening is not going to have that information.

[7:50] I don't even know if you're joking.

[7:57] I like the thing that you press play and the words play came up on screen and you're like,

[8:02] seen it.

[8:03] I'll come back when this part's over.

[8:06] No, literally I press play and then I started texting Dan like, fuck this.

[8:13] Halle just watched the finale of The Americans.

[8:16] She's like, this doesn't make sense.

[8:19] So guys, the text is on the screen.

[8:21] Now, this is not the worst way the movie could have started.

[8:23] The worst way it could have started is if the teenage main character had told us that

[8:28] information via voiceover, perhaps referring to it as a prophecy or something his mama

[8:32] once told him.

[8:33] So that doesn't happen.

[8:35] But we see there's this creepy place where Matthew McConaughey is keeping a bunch of

[8:39] kids.

[8:40] It looks kind of like, I don't know, like a boarding school or something.

[8:43] And when it comes to a certain time, you got to pick a kid, strap him into a clockwork

[8:47] orange chair and force a laser beam out of his head to try to knock down a tower.

[8:53] That's called puberty.

[8:54] So that's, yeah, it's all an elaborate puberty metaphor.

[8:59] That's right.

[9:00] So in this case, Matthew McConaughey is what, your hormones?

[9:04] It's just, you know, it's like normal life.

[9:06] You ejaculate brain power.

[9:11] I think I know why nobody wants to share an office with you, Dan.

[9:19] Now I like to think you like to go like, here's an idea, and then you just ejaculate.

[9:28] Straight from the old think box.

[9:31] Okay.

[9:32] It turns out this tower that they knocked down, it wasn't real.

[9:35] It's just a dream this kid Jake is having.

[9:37] Jake's, there was an earthquake, there's an earthquake while he was, it's a cake made

[9:42] out of soil and there's worms in it.

[9:45] It's very good for you.

[9:48] There was an earthquake in the night.

[9:49] He slept through it.

[9:50] But he's a troubled kid.

[9:51] He really misses his dad who is a dead firefighter and he does a lot of, I didn't, like, I relate.

[10:00] I think a Brooklyn audience finds funnier than dead firefighters, apparently.

[10:04] The audience reacted as if I was making a joke.

[10:09] Because I was like, this is going to get them.

[10:13] And he's always drawing stuff from the stuff we saw in the beginning.

[10:17] He's always drawing these crazy fantasy pictures.

[10:19] And it's like, I mean, come on.

[10:21] Who is this guy, one of the Hildebrandt brothers?

[10:23] Like, what's going on here, you know?

[10:24] Is this Boris Vallejo all of a sudden?

[10:25] What's going on?

[10:26] How come the kids in these movies...

[10:28] Did Wayne Barlow walk into this movie?

[10:30] These kids that get visions in these movies,

[10:32] how come they're all artistically talented?

[10:35] Like, what if they went to a kid and everyone's like,

[10:37] I don't know what you're doing.

[10:40] Is that a person?

[10:43] Just like stick figures?

[10:45] I had a vision of a dark tower and a man in black.

[10:48] Oh, yeah, okay, I kind of see that now, yeah.

[10:51] Oh, no, it's great.

[10:53] So this is the man here.

[10:55] You're holding it upside down.

[10:56] Oh, okay.

[10:58] No, you're great, kid, you're great.

[11:00] Anyway, he gets bullied.

[11:02] He gets into fights at school.

[11:04] His therapist thinks you're always dreaming about darkness and fire

[11:07] because of this family trauma you're dealing with.

[11:09] No, this was a scene that actually really stuck out to me

[11:11] in a movie that I didn't pay attention to at all.

[11:13] Because you watched it?

[11:15] No, because it just felt, like, very aggressive by the therapist.

[11:19] Like, he wasn't listening to him.

[11:22] He was more just, like, telling him what all his thoughts meant.

[11:25] And I was like, this is not therapy, okay?

[11:28] Yeah, fire him.

[11:31] You deserve better, kid.

[11:33] I mean, that's really the part that stood out to me.

[11:38] Well, the part that stood out to me, strangely enough,

[11:40] comes up in the next scene, that the kid is wandering around the streets,

[11:43] specifically Broadway, just below 14th.

[11:46] I knew it well because I went to school around there.

[11:48] So I was like, hey, I remember that, like, kitchen supply store.

[11:53] I used to walk by that all the time.

[11:55] And then I got back into the movie.

[11:57] He sees a guy, kind of from his dreams, who's got weird skin.

[12:00] And then a crazy homeless man is like, hey, stay away, watch out.

[12:03] You didn't talk...

[12:06] Talk it into the microphone, Hallie.

[12:09] Hallie, take advantage of this opportunity to talk about the skin seams.

[12:12] The skin seams.

[12:14] So that's how they know that people are from this other universe.

[12:16] That's how he knows.

[12:18] Yeah, there's rat people who put fake skin on their body

[12:20] and there's a seam in the back of their neck.

[12:22] That's standard. That's boilerplate.

[12:25] And Matthew McConaughey gets mad if you don't put your skin on.

[12:27] I mean, come on.

[12:31] Tell me another one.

[12:36] So anyway, so we're checking off the boxes.

[12:39] He's a troubled kid, draws pictures of his dreams.

[12:42] Yeah, homeless man yells some kind of warning prophecy at him.

[12:45] You got it. Skin seams.

[12:47] We're all checking off the boxes.

[12:49] He has another dream about Matthew McConaughey,

[12:51] and Matthew McConaughey's just talking about the bleak emptiness of the universe

[12:54] to some dude right before he burns up up in fire.

[12:57] And as we'll learn, Matthew McConaughey's playing the villain,

[13:00] the man in black, a.k.a. Walter.

[13:04] Which is what the hero of the movie, Idris Elba, continually refers to him as.

[13:07] He's like, Walter! Walter!

[13:10] The same name as the protagonist of the new Muppet film.

[13:14] Now, what if it was Walter the Muppet?

[13:17] And I'm like, I knew you were a bad guy, Walter.

[13:20] Your blank affect disguised your evil...

[13:26] Wow, calm down, man.

[13:28] I hate that character so much.

[13:31] I know. I know.

[13:33] He came in, he took what rightfully was permits,

[13:37] and now everyone's pretending...

[13:40] And he gets to be Jason Segel's brother, right?

[13:42] I know. Yeah, I'm sorry.

[13:43] All right, I'm sorry.

[13:44] I think the freeze frame at the end of The Muppets,

[13:46] when they throw Walter up in the air and it freeze frames,

[13:48] I was like, he gets the freeze frame?

[13:51] Nobody likes him.

[13:52] And it was like that moment in Crystal Skull

[13:54] when Shia LaBeouf puts on Indy's hat

[13:56] and I wanted to walk into the screen and slap it off his head.

[14:00] Like, you don't get to do that.

[14:04] Anyway, also in this dream, he sees Idris Elba,

[14:07] who's playing the character of Roland, the gunslinger.

[14:10] Yep, I guess either there's some kind of wild animal in the audience

[14:15] or someone was just thinking about Idris Elba.

[14:20] Now, Idris Elba is talking to Dennis Haysbert.

[14:23] They're both gunslingers, I guess,

[14:25] and he's like, oh, no, we've lost.

[14:27] This is the end. Oh, no.

[14:28] And then they say this oath about, like, I don't shoot with my gun.

[14:30] I shoot with my heart or some garbage.

[14:32] And Mad McConaughey kills Dennis Haysbert,

[14:35] and then he's like, Roland, you're immune to my magic.

[14:38] And then it cuts to a shot of an old house.

[14:41] And Jake is like, he wakes up and he goes,

[14:44] I've got to find that old house.

[14:45] And, of course, he posts on the message board, whereisthathouse.com

[14:49] to find where this house is.

[14:51] There's a moment around here where Idris Elba

[14:54] shoots Matthew McConaughey in the back of the head,

[14:57] and Matthew McConaughey just pulls the bullet out of the air,

[15:00] and it is so uninteresting.

[15:05] We watched a movie a little bit ago that was, like, filmed in 1993

[15:09] with a shoestring budget with Andrew Dice Clay in it,

[15:11] and that had bullet grabs that were way more exciting than this.

[15:16] There's a scene later on where Matthew McConaughey catches a bullet

[15:20] and then hurls it back really fast.

[15:22] And the same exact thing happens in this Andrew Dice Clay movie

[15:25] from 25 years ago.

[15:26] And in that movie, I was like, that was pretty cool.

[15:28] And in this one, I'm like, oh, it looks really goofy

[15:30] because his hand moves super fast like he's a cartoon character.

[15:32] Or, like, the universe turned on motion smoothening for some reason.

[15:37] Okay.

[15:38] This is all this.

[15:39] Well, also, one of his murder techniques is he just goes up to people

[15:42] and goes, stop breathing, and then they die.

[15:46] And when Matthew McConaughey does that.

[15:48] And I've tried that.

[15:49] That doesn't work.

[15:51] And it plays really well in a movie.

[15:53] Like, that's a really visual way to kill someone.

[15:57] Why couldn't he say, like, have your head explode or something?

[16:01] Now, Matthew McConaughey, he's a wizard.

[16:03] Be a scanner.

[16:04] He's an evil wizard.

[16:07] And he goes up to people all the time and he tells them, like, kill each other.

[16:10] Or, like, stop breathing.

[16:11] Now, imagine if you will, Matthew McConaughey,

[16:14] right before the director yelled action,

[16:16] he was reading his credit card number to maybe he was buying.

[16:21] It's like in Being John Malkovich.

[16:22] He's buying a set of towels.

[16:24] And he's just reading his credit card number, and the director said action.

[16:26] And with that same enthusiasm, he just rolls into his lines.

[16:30] Like, that's kind of the level of energy he brings to the entire movie.

[16:34] Every line he's like, well, I guess it's going to be a rude awakening for planet Earth.

[16:38] You know, that kind of stuff.

[16:39] You know, like, we've got to knock down the tower, then I'll be king of it all.

[16:44] Like, he could not be less interested in his own wicked plans.

[16:50] Hallie, your rebuttal?

[16:54] Dallas Buyers Club.

[16:56] More like Dallas Sellout Club.

[17:01] Uh-oh.

[17:04] Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[17:17] We all mimed different things for the audience at home listening to that.

[17:23] Hallie, great work.

[17:28] If you'd like to pick up your guest gift and just go now, that's okay.

[17:32] Your Emmy for best podcast guest.

[17:37] Okay, all of Jake's craziness, the fights at school, those dumb drawings.

[17:42] Always, look.

[17:47] That was a cheer for Stuart opening a beer.

[17:49] I thought someone got shot.

[17:53] Hallie just asked for a shot, everybody.

[17:56] Plucking it out of the air and throwing it someplace else, Hallie.

[17:58] It's cool.

[18:00] So, Jake's BS is not going over well with his stepdad.

[18:05] We're only this far into the movie.

[18:08] No, we're going to rush through a lot of other stuff.

[18:10] Let's speed it up.

[18:11] Jake's stepdad, he's arranged for some people from a psychiatric clinic to come by and pick up Jake.

[18:16] And Jake's mom is like, ah, I guess so, okay.

[18:19] But the driver of the van from the clinic, he's got...

[18:22] A fucking skin seam.

[18:25] It's clear.

[18:26] These people are from that other world where the bad guy lives.

[18:29] And then Jake manages to catch a glimpse of the message board on his computer

[18:32] and the address of that house comes up.

[18:34] And he goes, bathroom window, don't fail me now.

[18:37] And he jumps out of it.

[18:38] Rooftop chase, parkour, parkour, parkour.

[18:41] Jake loses the bad guys by, correct me if I'm wrong,

[18:44] entering the uptown side of, I think it's the 28th Street subway station,

[18:47] and then exiting the downtown side of the 28th Street subway station.

[18:51] Unless he ran across the tracks.

[18:53] Jake, you can't do that.

[18:59] This is when the movie really pushed my suspension of disbelief too far.

[19:04] I was like, the kids have laser beams that come out of their heads

[19:07] and they knock over a magic tower.

[19:08] You got it, portals, bad guys, so forth.

[19:10] Wait, hold on a second.

[19:12] We're supposed to believe this is a hub station?

[19:17] Elliot was on IMDB pointing this out.

[19:22] Dark tower, meet the goofs page.

[19:26] Because I got one for you.

[19:28] Anyway, Jake goes to this house.

[19:30] It's abandoned.

[19:31] It's got a portal and it's other worlds.

[19:33] He's about to step through this portal when suddenly

[19:35] the wood of the house starts attacking him.

[19:37] It looks like he's a goner until he yells, stop.

[19:39] And it does.

[19:41] He goes through the portal to kind of like...

[19:43] It's like they had a wood monster for one day

[19:45] and they're like, I guess we gotta use it.

[19:50] We need a monster for this scene.

[19:52] All we have are the old bleachers from the abandoned high school.

[19:55] Make it work.

[19:56] Make it with Tim Gunn as the director.

[19:57] Make it work.

[20:00] goes to this desert world that looks kind of like the desert world from

[20:02] Phantasm but not as cool and he's like whoa but to be honest it looks pretty

[20:07] crappy yeah so he goes through a portal I'm assuming to what New Jersey is that

[20:12] the desert of New Jersey yeah he's in a place called mid-world now and there's

[20:20] all these different sounds like New Jersey meanwhile Matthew McConaughey's

[20:25] place his headquarters in mid-world they're still trying out different kids

[20:28] to see if they've got the strong enough laser beam knock down these things they

[20:31] say oh someone crossed through an old portal when honey goes send me there

[20:34] Jake stumbles across Roland's the gunfighters campsite he's like you're

[20:39] the guy from my dream you're that gunslinger and Roland's like there's no

[20:42] gunslingers anymore and then I was like oh we're gonna do this game okay I put

[20:47] that life behind me we're all gone I'm overlooked in here I'm gonna be a dick to

[20:52] you for a little while this is the part where we don't we haven't we with your

[20:56] I'm Shrek and you're the donkey and we're not friends yet then we're gonna

[21:00] become friends and then later on we'll get into an argument we split up for a

[21:03] short amount of time and then we come back again cuz we're true friends and we

[21:06] save the day anyway Jake you want to do that with me just like a Shrek donkey

[21:10] thing and Jake's like gee mr. sure I remember you from The Office and it just

[21:17] helped us like you remember that story that's the office that's what you know

[21:21] me for best not even like Prometheus or like Pacific Rim 15 years old I never

[21:27] saw those movies I mean Pacific Rim is right up a 15 year old's alley right

[21:32] that's well but he wasn't 15 when it came out and Prometheus would be great

[21:36] because he wouldn't have all that built-in like background having watched

[21:40] Alien growing up like this would be his first exposure and he'd really like it

[21:43] he'd be like one of those kids where they're like well I saw Spaceballs

[21:45] before Star Wars so that's the original to me any and he might not realize he's

[21:50] like that that old man was really Guy Pearce in old age makeup that's crazy

[21:56] it was so believable I thought they got I thought I got Guy Pearce's dad and

[21:59] then just put glue all over his face okay so that's a lot about Prometheus

[22:06] and we didn't even talk about how he played a concertina in there yeah and he

[22:11] played yeah he played a little one of those little maritime accordion yeah

[22:16] that's right yeah which is where an American leader where Napoleon was

[22:21] exiled to Idris Elba anyway thank you thanks guys

[22:29] wait did you make in a Napoleon joke yeah I got booze from one half of the

[22:33] crowd and nothing from the other and I'll tell you what nothing was worse

[22:37] than the booze at least it was a reaction yeah they're there they're

[22:42] Wellington fans yeah history jokes so Roland is like I'm not a hero anymore

[22:51] but I guess let's go save the day and they're on the hunt the man in black

[22:55] Matty Mahoney he goes to that old house he finds some sort of clue or nonsense

[22:59] and he takes it to the court of the Crimson King which is the same kind of

[23:04] like weird euro chic bar that bad guys hang out in every vampire basically

[23:08] we're like bad guys hang out and wait for a blade to show up and kill them

[23:13] yeah like doing coke off of a mutant or something like that and he's like I

[23:20] didn't even know this was a movie how you look baffled by something what's

[23:26] going on this is a question I had while I was watching it but I didn't look it

[23:29] up because I just want you to play out live on stage exciting okay so you know

[23:35] like the bar not bartender but the guy who when he goes into that place and the

[23:41] bald guy yes yeah who's kind of like the host Mater D yes also the biggest

[23:46] customer I don't I wasn't we're talking about the same person isn't that

[23:52] character who's like the secondary character that Matthew McConaughey

[23:55] always goes and talks to isn't that the guy who was in little children who like

[24:01] jerked off in the oh yeah okay Jackie Earl Haley really yeah you sure he's a

[24:09] chameleon I love the idea that like if Hallie ever saw Jackie Earl Haley on the

[24:18] street she'd be like check off guy probably on your way to a playground huh

[24:22] I mean it haunted me I remember literally nothing about this movie that

[24:26] I watched yesterday and I was like except I watched little children like

[24:31] 20 years ago this is the recommendations portion of the podcast they're like oh

[24:40] yeah everyone there is trying on flesh masks it's like a flesh mask warehouse

[24:44] and they go oh this is from a kid with a shine so powerful he can kill a house

[24:49] demon and I'm like okay I guess I was supposed to be impressed by what we saw

[24:52] earlier and you know what shine is come on it's Stephen King's stuff it's like

[24:57] all mind telepathy stuff anyway rolling to Jake they're wandering through your

[25:01] classic fantasy swamp and there's an ancient rundown theme park and he's like

[25:05] oh there's a rundown theme park over there and he's always like we don't know

[25:07] what it is it's ancient he's like well it's the theme park and I was like I

[25:10] can't wait to see how this like abandoned roller coaster plays into like

[25:13] a kick-ass action scene no does it like you're like when do we get to the

[25:17] fireworks factory to be fair to be fair this is not a William Goldman watching

[25:24] the Big Lebowski and wondering when they're gonna get to the bowling

[25:26] tournament thing we are in a fantasy adventure movie we see an abandoned

[25:31] roller coaster I am well within my rights to be like well that's something

[25:35] they're gonna do something with it wasn't just that they happened to be

[25:39] filming in the forest next door to the closed down action park even the movie

[25:43] Clifford had a roller coaster scene so and you say even the movie as if that

[25:52] was terrible in some way well we all know that Clifford of course is with the

[25:57] pinnacle of filmmakers prowess yep who is the filmmaker Dan I'd like to imagine

[26:06] that Charles Groten directed itself under a pseudonym

[26:09] girls trodden okay so Roland's all he's like a master forester he's like don't

[26:16] eat that don't make a sound eat this rabbit do that and they become friends

[26:21] meanwhile the man in black he meets up with those two people from the psychiatric

[26:24] clinic at a burger stand they give him the information about Jake he says kill

[26:27] each other and then he leaves and he's like he tells the people is walking out

[26:30] he goes enjoy the show folks and it's like you see like how much how much like

[26:35] how many sedatives do you take right before the show like it's like he's like

[26:40] man I was up all night driving this long haul truck across the country and now

[26:44] I'm wired but I gotta get to sleep let me just pop a couple sleeping pills Matt

[26:48] you're needed on set oh boy oh yeah do you think you think after he said that

[26:53] he's like nailed it that's gonna be in the trailer meanwhile they're Roland and

[26:59] Jack Jake are still they're really best buds Roland explains that there's a

[27:03] tower that keeps reality safe Walters trying to destroy it to make a lot of

[27:06] monsters come in the world and he'll be the king of the monsters and I was like

[27:10] one there's one king of the monsters his name is Gojira but anyway they heard of

[27:15] him heard of him anybody anyway so uh but it's also like yeah the text told me

[27:20] that I don't know come on guys but I guess that was for Hallie that the

[27:23] director of the film was like but what if Hallie doesn't know that night a

[27:31] monster tempts Jake into the forest in the form of his late dad it turns out

[27:36] this kind of to be this kind of goopy you know sharp monster that is the kind

[27:40] of thing that'll come through the walls when the tower goes down and Roland's

[27:43] like bam bam bam shooting with his gun bam bam bam and then the monster comes

[27:47] back in and he goes bam bam bam shoots it with his gun monsters dead and it was

[27:50] you know it goes on a little bit longer than that but I was like okay so it's

[27:53] really you really just shoot stuff with that gun huh like it's really just a gun

[27:56] gun slingers and we learned later we learned later that that gun was forged

[28:01] from the metal of Excalibur yeah which seems crazy that seems nuts

[28:11] it is bullshit that's bullshit yeah dude completely you don't have to say

[28:16] it again we heard it's okay noted addressed and answered okay let's go

[28:22] Matthew Mahoney goes to Jake's parents apartment he kills both of them he sees

[28:26] all the drawings and he's like it's a pretty good likeness and the thing and

[28:29] it is this in this scene that the movie had what was for me the scariest moment

[28:34] they walk into the apartment Jake's stepmom and his dad and they're like oh

[28:38] I hope Jake's loving his time at the psychiatric clinic you know that they

[28:41] haven't called so I assume they just got there and everything turned out fine and

[28:45] Matthew Mahoney McConaughey is in the kitchen apron on cooking himself up some

[28:50] chicken and he's that's not the scare part he says he says hope you hope you

[28:54] don't mind we don't have chicken in the world I'm from and I was like no what

[29:03] kind of nightmare world and from that moment on Matthew McConaughey was the

[29:06] hero of the movie because it's like if I'm gonna roll that chicken knock that

[29:09] fucking tower down bring in the darkness that world doesn't deserve to live no

[29:15] chicken what I like is that he was cooking that chicken while wearing an

[29:19] apron yeah I mean well he might be the walking man the embodiment of all evil

[29:24] but he doesn't want to get his clothes all screwed up I mean come on no magic

[29:27] is gonna get those things yeah Ali he's the man in black he's known for his

[29:33] outfit he can't be floppy yeah that's literally his name do you think he

[29:38] showed up and he's like well they do have a black apron I mean it would be

[29:42] dumb for me not to use I actually remember this scene though like all of

[29:50] the plot points no but I was like chicken yeah now the implication here is

[29:55] that Matt McConaughey got to the apartment went boo-boo oh no one

[30:00] Here, I guess I'll just check the fridge,

[30:02] see what's in there.

[30:03] And he just went in there like,

[30:04] what can I do with this stuff?

[30:05] Real, real, real team account challenge

[30:07] I got on my hands here, okay.

[30:08] At this point, he's basically a bored babysitter.

[30:10] He's like, well, they said I could have anything

[30:12] in the fridge, so.

[30:14] He's like, it's Thursday,

[30:16] and there's like four blue aprons here.

[30:17] I don't think they're gonna have time to make them all.

[30:20] Don't have time to make them all.

[30:24] I mean, I'm probably gonna kill them in a second, so.

[30:27] So, Jake's parents, they're dead now.

[30:29] Meanwhile, Jake and Roland are wandering.

[30:31] They wander into a shanty town

[30:32] that happens to have a portal.

[30:33] And just to describe the rich, epic fantasy world

[30:37] that we've been in,

[30:38] so far we've seen kind of a pebbly desert,

[30:41] a kind of dim swamp,

[30:44] and then this hobo jungle.

[30:46] And that's kind of the extent of mid-world,

[30:49] which I guess is what,

[30:49] like the world of magic and wonderment,

[30:52] and I don't know what.

[30:53] Now, Stuart and Dan, you've read some of these books.

[30:56] And Dan, you're an alum.

[30:57] Is it supposed to be, this is like,

[30:58] the world has fallen under Walter's evil,

[31:01] and that's why it's so crappy?

[31:04] I can't remember a lot of it,

[31:05] because I read like half of them, like a long time ago,

[31:07] and then two of them this year.

[31:10] But there's like, yeah, there's like weird radiation.

[31:13] That part is weirder.

[31:15] Yeah.

[31:16] Dan's life's weirder than a book, everybody.

[31:21] No, like, someone went, aw.

[31:24] I mean, it's weirder than some books.

[31:28] Sure.

[31:30] That's right.

[31:30] I would say, I would say,

[31:32] okay, the frog and toad stories.

[31:34] Okay, it's weird.

[31:35] They're a frog and a toad that wear clothes and talk,

[31:36] and at least one story baked cookies and cakes,

[31:40] which means they have a tiny oven.

[31:42] How do they fuel it?

[31:44] Twigs?

[31:44] I would say Dan's life is a little weirder than those books.

[31:52] Yeah, mid-world is sort of this thing

[31:54] where all these stories that exist in our world

[31:59] kind of have bled over from mid-world,

[32:03] like Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter,

[32:05] like all kind of in this stew.

[32:09] It's like if you had to make a place

[32:10] out of the inside of Stephen King's brain.

[32:12] Yeah.

[32:13] Oh, okay, I got it.

[32:15] Okay, so that's why it's-

[32:16] So everyone drives like hot rods

[32:18] and speaks in crazy gibberish.

[32:20] Yeah, yeah.

[32:21] Slang that never existed.

[32:22] Exactly.

[32:23] All the black characters are a little uncomfortable.

[32:30] And there's always one sex scene where you're like,

[32:32] you know, this is not your forte.

[32:36] Have you done this before, Stephen?

[32:37] Yeah.

[32:39] So they go to this shantytown.

[32:40] It's got a portal.

[32:41] There's also a seer there, and the seer says,

[32:43] oh, Jake, you've got the super shine.

[32:45] You've got amazing psychic powers.

[32:47] Is the seer named like Aura or something?

[32:49] Yeah, I think so.

[32:50] It's Aura on the nose.

[32:51] Yeah, the seer, whose name is Psycho Mind.

[32:56] So the fastest way to get to Walter's headquarters,

[32:59] it's like all the way on the other side of Midworld.

[33:00] Just pop in a teleportal portal to Earth,

[33:02] then pop back into that one to Midworld.

[33:04] So that's what they're gonna do.

[33:06] Meanwhile, we learn a little bit about Roland's backstory.

[33:08] He was a noble gunslinger,

[33:09] but he's been poisoned by his desire for revenge

[33:12] because he wants to kill the Man in Black.

[33:14] Now, here's something that I never fully understood.

[33:17] The Man in Black is an evil wizard

[33:19] who wants to destroy the universe,

[33:20] and everyone acts like killing him for revenge

[33:23] would really fuck up saving the universe.

[33:25] But it seems like that is the one thing he has to do,

[33:28] and that his motive really shouldn't have that much to do.

[33:32] Like, is it like if he kills him,

[33:34] but he does it for revenge, not to save people,

[33:36] God will be like, uh-uh, do over.

[33:39] Yeah, this makes a little more sense in the books

[33:41] where like Randall Flagg is kind of like

[33:43] this minor character almost.

[33:45] Like, he's just like, oh, you know, he's like evil,

[33:47] but he's not the most evil,

[33:49] and the important thing is that he makes it

[33:51] to the Dark Tower and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

[33:52] no one cares because it has nothing to do with anything,

[33:55] and I'm just boring everyone at this point.

[33:57] Dan's reading the back of the book jacket.

[33:59] Yeah, no, that's what.

[34:01] From the minds of Heartmaster Stephen King,

[34:03] blah, blah, blah, no one cares.

[34:04] Like, Stephen King got really depressed

[34:06] while writing the Dark Tower, like, blah, blah, blah,

[34:08] no one cares, what's going on?

[34:10] If you look on the back of a hardcover Stephen King book,

[34:12] it's just a big picture of his face.

[34:13] Like, they don't even bother to tell you

[34:15] what the book's about.

[34:16] And you're like, huh, oh, okay.

[34:19] And then you pick up a Dean Kuhn's book

[34:22] and you turn around to his picture,

[34:23] and you're like, not as scary, I'm sorry.

[34:25] You're trying, Dean, I apologize, you know,

[34:27] it's just not like that.

[34:28] Maybe killing the man in black is kind of like the way,

[34:32] it's kind of like Christianity, the way you can eat up.

[34:35] Keep talking.

[34:36] Whoa.

[34:37] The way that you can satisfy your natural urges

[34:41] by eating a pizza, but only for sustenance,

[34:44] not because it's delicious.

[34:46] Oh, I get you.

[34:48] I kept it PG.

[34:49] Wait, how is that like Christianity?

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:52] I don't know now, I confused myself.

[35:01] I think it's in Peter's letter to Papa John.

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:08] Yeah.

[35:09] Yeah.

[35:10] Yeah.

[35:11] Yeah.

[35:12] Yeah.

[35:13] Yeah.

[35:14] Yeah.

[35:15] Yeah.

[35:16] Yeah.

[35:18] And I was like, wait, what?

[35:19] Just keep moving.

[35:21] Someone yelled something, and for a second,

[35:22] I was like, did the movie just happen?

[35:25] Okay, so they're all like, he's not a gunslinger anymore.

[35:27] And Jake's like, no, he's still a gunslinger.

[35:29] And I was like, I don't care if he technically

[35:31] meets the requirements of a gunslinger anymore.

[35:33] Walter sends some trackers to attack the village,

[35:35] and they're basically like what Nazgul dogmen.

[35:37] They look like orcs.

[35:38] Yeah, they're like orcs or some nonsense.

[35:40] And Roland.

[35:41] Hallie just made the most dismissive gesture

[35:44] when orcs came up.

[35:46] Yeah, Hallie, what is it about orcs

[35:47] that you think is not important?

[35:49] None of it.

[35:50] The existence of Star Wars.

[35:52] We have no heart, Lord of the Rings.

[35:57] I guess Star Wars invalidates orcs.

[36:04] I'm gonna leave that there.

[36:06] There is no way for me to respond to that

[36:08] that is not in some way mansplaining.

[36:09] So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna say yes.

[36:12] It's my time.

[36:15] So anyway, Roland fights back,

[36:17] but in kind of the laziest way possible.

[36:19] He just kind of stumbles around the shady town.

[36:21] And if he bumps into a dogman, he shoots them.

[36:23] And meanwhile, they're like picking up kids

[36:25] to see if they're Jake and sniffing them

[36:26] and throwing them in the air.

[36:27] And he's just kind of like stumbling around.

[36:29] And a tracker takes Jake and Roland.

[36:31] That's when he gets his act together.

[36:33] And he uses his amazing daredevil senses

[36:36] to hear all the little things going on around him.

[36:38] So he knows to shoot in that direction.

[36:40] And his bullet hits the tracker

[36:41] right in the back of the head.

[36:43] And it's kind of the one time we see him

[36:45] do like a fancy thing with a gun

[36:46] other than load it really fast.

[36:48] Wait, did we talk about the scene that I remember?

[36:51] I don't know, Hallie, did we?

[36:53] Only you have the answer to that.

[36:56] Which was when he taught him to shoot.

[36:59] No, we haven't gotten there yet.

[37:00] Oh, okay.

[37:01] That hasn't happened yet.

[37:01] We'll get there.

[37:02] Anyway, Jake and Roland are like,

[37:03] we gotta get this guy.

[37:04] So they go through the portal to Earth.

[37:05] They end up in a restaurant kitchen.

[37:06] This movie loves kitchens.

[37:08] This is when the movie turns into Last Action Hero.

[37:11] Yes, because it's like, Roland, you're hurt.

[37:13] We gotta get you to a hospital.

[37:15] This man from mid-world.

[37:15] Hospital.

[37:17] So you have medicines here of many interesting kinds.

[37:22] Here is a gold coin for your effort.

[37:24] And they go, you have all these diseases.

[37:26] They name three different types of hepatitis that he has.

[37:28] Wait, I have a question.

[37:30] Were all of those real?

[37:31] No, it wasn't three.

[37:32] It was like, you have hepatitis A, B, C, E, D, G, Z, F.

[37:38] And I'll just.

[37:41] Stuart just got up from the table

[37:43] to lay down some law.

[37:45] Not to get on the high horse or anything,

[37:46] but you know this is a fantasy movie

[37:49] when a strange gunslinger from another world

[37:52] has five doctors show up and see him in the hospital.

[37:56] That's crazy.

[37:57] Maybe he has insurance, Stuart.

[37:59] We don't know.

[38:01] He just gave them his mid-world health card.

[38:04] Stuart, that was your searing indictment

[38:08] of the healthcare system.

[38:11] Damn, I see a problem happening.

[38:12] I just gotta say something.

[38:14] I'm just glad Stuart didn't go off on a rant here.

[38:16] Call me like a modern day gunslinger.

[38:19] This is, this and the next scene where they're on a bus

[38:22] and Idris Elba drinks soda for this first time

[38:24] and yells at some kind of like,

[38:26] some, you know, girls who are dressed a little,

[38:29] you know, show away.

[38:29] Oh, that was, no, he goes,

[38:32] you have forgotten the faces of your fathers.

[38:35] They're like, hey, can we join the party?

[38:37] They're like, can we join the party?

[38:38] And he goes, you've forgotten the faces of your fathers.

[38:40] He goes, what is this I'm drinking?

[38:43] Sugar?

[38:44] And like, these are the two best scenes in the movie.

[38:47] It's like, I could have watched a whole,

[38:49] and it's the oldest story in the book.

[38:50] He's like, like, Last Action Hero,

[38:51] or like, Beastmaster 2, or any of that stuff.

[38:54] Encino Man, he's like, or other,

[38:56] Blast from the Past, or George in the Jungle.

[39:00] Any number of Brendan Fraser movies.

[39:04] Like, With Honors.

[39:06] Gods and Monsters.

[39:09] School Ties.

[39:10] School Ties, yeah.

[39:11] The New Show Trust.

[39:13] Yep, yep, exactly.

[39:15] The Affair.

[39:16] Wait, right, yeah, yeah, later seasons of The Affair.

[39:19] Yeah, it's just like, I'm this kind of fantasy character,

[39:23] now I'm in real life, and I don't get it.

[39:25] Which is, usually I'm not a huge fan of those.

[39:27] I'm not a huge fan of the fish-out-of-water comedy,

[39:28] unless this guy is named Dundee,

[39:30] and maybe he's half crocodile, but.

[39:33] I think you may have misunderstood those movies, Elliot.

[39:35] I'm just like, the thing about it is like,

[39:37] it's hard to pay attention to those movies,

[39:38] because you're like, how did his dad do it

[39:39] with a crocodile?

[39:41] Or was his dad the crocodile?

[39:43] It's hard, and he's so,

[39:45] but those are the best scenes in the movie,

[39:47] so it's like, oh, I'm ready for them

[39:48] to spend some time on Earth.

[39:49] Well, don't get too ready,

[39:50] because they don't spend that much time on Earth.

[39:51] They go to, they go to his,

[39:53] they see the homeless guy who gave them a prophecy earlier,

[39:56] and they learn where the bad guy's hideout is.

[39:58] Instead of going there, they go to Jake's apartment,

[39:59] they find him.

[40:00] what's left of his mom and dad. Oh no, stormtroopers killed him.

[40:03] The thing that's kind of nice about it is you see that Matthew McConaughey has

[40:07] burned his mom up to a little crisp and he freaks out but you also see on the

[40:11] wall that Matthew McConaughey has left a message that even though he's a powerful

[40:14] wizard he is not skilled in artwork because the smiley face he draws is

[40:21] shitty. He is a master wizard. He is the black sorcerer of evil at the

[40:29] center of the universe. As a tagger, not great. I mean maybe his medium isn't

[40:34] burned up mom. I don't know. Fair point. Fair point. It's very hard to work with.

[40:39] It's very unforgiving. Yeah. So this is when

[40:45] Roland teaches Jake how to shoot and teaches him the

[40:51] gunslinger's credo. And Hallie, you want to say something about the scene that

[40:54] you remembered? Hallie squints her eyes. It was weird that they said it to the song

[41:01] Walk Like a Man. And they started singing along to it and making a pizza at the same time?

[41:09] It was actually the scene of Stand By Me where they're like lollipop lollipop.

[41:18] It was a Stephen King theme. No, he was like I shoot with the heart of my father. I don't shoot with my eyes or

[41:26] something. If I've done, if I do such-and-such I've forgotten the face of

[41:30] my father. I don't aim with my hand. I aim with my eyes. I don't shoot with my gun. I

[41:35] shoot with my heart. I shoot with the heart of my father. I don't think maybe. I

[41:40] don't remember. I think all of it is like if you don't do this you have

[41:43] forgotten the face of your father. Hallie, we've established time and time again

[41:46] that you remember the movie better than me so I'm just gonna I'm just gonna sit

[41:49] back and say yes. Okay, so I think he does. I mean I have times of serious lucidity when all of you guys have forgotten.

[41:58] So, but yes. Honestly, I don't think Matthew McConaughey was wearing an apron in that

[42:03] scene when they were ripping. I'm serious. We're gonna have to check the tape. This is like

[42:10] this is like Berenstain Berenstain. I mean right now. And it's Berenstain

[42:15] Berenstain. There never was a Berenstain. Well, I wasn't there Elliot. Maybe there

[42:19] should have been. The name was the people who made it and they're not Jewish which

[42:25] is why it's not Berenstain or Berenstain. That's what I'm saying. Why couldn't a Jewish family make a

[42:30] Bear family books? Dan, now you're being naive about the society we live in today.

[42:38] So Hallie, I want you to imagine that you're in this situation. Idris Elba is

[42:43] teaching you how to shoot with a magic gun. He's teaching you the gunslinger's credo.

[42:48] How would you handle that? Are you ready for a situation like that? Fuck yeah. That's what I

[42:54] thought you were gonna say. Okay, they go, where else are you gonna go to? Go to a Chinatown

[42:59] hunting store. Wait a minute. This was a controversial scene. I mean it was I was like I had no idea there

[43:08] were this many sportsman shooting stores just in the middle of New York in Chinatown. It was

[43:13] very weird. They walked into a gun store and pulled out a gun and were like give me all your

[43:19] guns and I was like not I mean I know this is a you know placing this in a historical context

[43:29] again I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with this armed robbery of a gun store. You'd think

[43:35] that if this gunslinger travels from another dimension, New Jersey as we've established,

[43:42] to come to Keystone World Earth, you would think that he would go to any other city in America than

[43:50] New York to get guns. I do like that this is one gun based movie that seems obsessed with the idea

[43:59] of reloading. It's the one thing he does that's really cool is he reloads super fast. Yeah. That's

[44:05] the one thing he does as a gunslinger I was like that's pretty neat is he just like flips it open

[44:09] flips it closed because it's a six shooter because yeah of course it is like he's a gunslinger. What

[44:14] kind of gun are you gonna sling? It's gotta be a six shooter. But it's yeah the movie is very

[44:19] they want to make sure at all times that he is fully stocked with ammo because Dan there's a

[44:24] certain thing called suspension disbelief. You'll believe the big lies if all the small truths are

[44:28] there like you can't just walk into a 28th Street subway station and then just walk out the other

[44:35] track on the other platform. You can't do that and it makes you believe the part where there's

[44:39] like a goop monster that can change shape that if you shoot it a certain amount of times it's

[44:44] not dead but if you shoot it a few more times it is dead. Yeah. It's like how Steve Martin said

[44:49] that he included the weird like tennis racket fight at the beginning of Roxanne because he

[44:55] was like if you put the craziest thing at the beginning of the movie then everything else

[44:58] seems sensible. That's just a fact about Roxanne. I think that's true. I was like yeah someone could

[45:08] totally have a nose that big. I mean I didn't think it was that big. I mean it's above average

[45:18] size. He drank he drank glasses of water out of his nose. Wait out of it? Don't you remember the

[45:27] movie? He like stuck his nose in a glass. Oh right. Okay so. Now that's a movie I remember. Roxanne is one of those movies that I saw many times as a kid and I was like when I'm a grown-up I'll get this. And I have yet I just haven't gotten around to seeing it as a grown-up. Neither have I. Yeah. The kids only Roxanne club. Hallie and Elliot no adults allowed we're gonna watch Roxanne. We don't really get it but okay.

[45:56] Anyway in the gun store Walter shows up as an astral projection. He just taunts Roland and traps him so that Jake can get captured by his trackers. While Roland is shooting people and trying to track down Jake. Jake gets strapped into that psychic beam chair. Roland makes it to Matthew McConaughey's New York base which seems to be some sort of ancient shopping mall. Yeah. I couldn't quite figure it was like this little part of New York that was also Blade Runner that was also a million years old. Yeah. And it's isolated enough that nobody will hear a

[46:26] million gunshots go off. So many ricochets. The sound bouncing off of every pavement and glass surface in there. And so anyway Roland shoots and kills pretty much everyone in New York. While Jake is fighting back in that psychic chair. He's too strong. He's holding the portal to New York open himself with his mind. Oh no. Roland comes through and wouldn't you know it. It's time for that big duel we've been waiting for. Roland the man with the gun who's immune to magic. Walter the man with magic who's immune to magic.

[46:56] Walter the man with the gun who's immune to guns. Who's who's going to win. And so Walter pulls out that same telekinetic I'm going to wave my hands and a big thing of glass flies through the air stuff we've seen 20 million times over the past few decades. Do you think there's a moment in the ad campaign for like the DVD release where they're like you think Thanos is a bad guy. He wants to kill half the universe. Walter wants to kill everyone. Go see this movie Dark Tower on DVD.

[47:24] That reminds me of there was an ad that was in the newspaper once when Incredible Hulk came out on DVD and it said just as good as Iron Man said Greg in the Marvel marketing department. I was like oh come on. That's not a winning slogan.

[47:45] Anyway there's a lot of there's some fancy fighting and Roland gets a girder dropped on him. There's the part as we mentioned that he catches a bullet and then tosses it back real fast like he's skipping a stone across a lake and it looks hilarious. Roland gets a girder dropped on him and then he teaches his son to do it.

[48:03] Oh that would be great if they're a boy and black. Someday all this will be yours but then I'm going to destroy it together. Oh gee dad like to be honest that would have made the movie instantly more interesting to me if he was like a loving dad. He's like look how many skips I can get with this bullet. I can't get that many dad. No you've just got to practice. I've been doing this a lot longer than you have. One day you'll learn it soon.

[48:30] Now let's go kill Idris Elba. Yeah I remember him from The Office that one season and Idris Elba is like how is that what everyone remembers me from. I was in The Wire. I was almost James Bond but racism. I'm enjoying this movie that Elliot and Halle are starring in.

[48:51] The idea that there's like a supervillain who really needs to bond with his son so it's like I guess let's destroy the universe together. Yeah Elliot loves the Austin Powers movies. Oh you're right they did that. Never mind. Forget it.

[49:07] Speaking of Scott Evil this movie does also have the crime of having Fran Crayons in it from Dollhouse and Cabin in the Woods and totally not use him. I went to college with him. I don't remember him from the movie at all. What? Halle you waited this long. Halle you went to college with somebody who was in the movie and you didn't know he was in the movie?

[49:33] Absolutely not. I know that I went to college with the sister of Dean Cameron from ski school and summer school and I tell everybody this. Who was he in the movie? He's kind of a man in black. He's one of the technicians. It's kind of like his major domo in his weird like Westworld house. Yeah he's the guy with the floppy hair right who's always like it's not working. Yeah that was his thing.

[50:00] non-authorized portal entry that he's the guy who gives bad news he was the

[50:03] one who fucks up and then Matthew McConaughey's way of punishing him is

[50:06] burning some other lady's face yeah he's it's that he's the guy there's no guy in

[50:10] every one of these movies who's the main sidekick to the bad guy and he's the one

[50:15] character who can give the bad guy bad news and not get killed like in in who's

[50:19] the guy this in Star Wars there's one Admiral that Darth Vader loves and he's

[50:23] you know and he doesn't kill him oh I've got it okay all right good okay wait let

[50:29] me buckle my seatbelt no honestly I sort of tuned out whenever whenever it

[50:37] wasn't happening on Keystone Earth so they're fighting anyway Jake uses

[50:44] telepathy to help Roland at his lowest moment by reciting mentally the

[50:49] gunslingers Creed with him Roland's like fancy shooting isn't gonna be enough to

[50:54] take this guy down I better do super fancy shooting and he shoots one bullet

[50:59] and Matthew McConaughey goes to catch that and then he shoots that bullet with

[51:02] another bullet to ricochet off of it and go past his hand into his heart

[51:10] and the man shot so fast he shot so he can shoot faster than bullets fly yeah

[51:16] this was this was some wanted bending bullet shit and when Matthew

[51:21] McConaughey dies he emotes exactly as much as he has the rest of the movie for

[51:27] a while I'm like I don't think he's dead because he's acting the exact same watch

[51:32] out guys now wait now did didn't Walter slow down the bullet or it's just he

[51:36] just shoots it real fast I can't remember now I don't know dude I didn't

[51:40] read the fucking novelization okay well anyway and then and then Roland's like

[51:46] yeah I'm a gunslinger and he's just shooting everything he shoots the

[51:49] restraints off of Jake's chair so you can get out he shoots the psychic laser

[51:52] machine and the whole headquarters blows up and it's like he's like I'm a

[51:56] shooting fool bang bang bang bang bang bang save the day Jake and Roland they

[52:01] save the universe they're gonna celebrate the same way everyone does

[52:04] after Avengers with a street cart hot dog because it's like we better throw

[52:09] this in to start early we'll have the characters do like kind of an everyday

[52:12] street food thing nobody's done that in a movie right Roland is with him in

[52:17] there and and mid-world and I'm Keystone Earth Roland's like so you

[52:21] want to come with me back there gunslinger and Jake is like well my

[52:26] parents are dead and everyone here thinks I'm crazy so like yeah dude I'll

[52:31] go back and be a good player with you but we have chicken here so I'll stay

[52:34] like the I I mind melded with a seer and it was the closest I'm ever gonna come

[52:39] to kissing a girl so like yeah I want to go back to that world and and that's the

[52:45] end of the movie and I kept skipping ahead to the credits to find the

[52:47] post-credits sequence about a sequel but there was none the story has been told

[52:52] capstone to capstone yeah let's go on to IMDb and add to crazy credits that

[52:57] there's a director in this movie

[53:05] that's me Duncan so let's do our final judgments on this movie whether it was a

[53:12] good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie we kind of liked Elliot what do

[53:16] you have to say this is a very boring movie guys I will say this for the movie

[53:20] well I'll let you in our classification system bad bad it was it was very

[53:23] boilerplate by the numbers it did not transport me to a magical world of

[53:28] craziness and whimsy and wackiness and super guns but I was like I've I've

[53:33] always been trepidatious about starting the Dark Tower books because they are a

[53:37] very long and there's a lot of them and I like Stephen King a lot but every time

[53:42] I'm about to start a Stephen King book I'm like how's this we're gonna turn out

[53:46] is this gonna be really good or is it gonna be awful because he only has two

[53:51] settings but you know what I and I'd like and I love a lot of his books I

[53:57] love misery I love the long walk even though I know that's technically a

[53:59] Bachman book you know he's a lot of good stuff but it sell is really good until

[54:04] the last chapter so this movie made me more curious than anything else ever to

[54:10] read these books because I'm like what is it in these books they felt was so

[54:15] interesting that they needed to like ruin it by doing it this way so I

[54:21] really want to read those books now but bad bad movie what do you guys think

[54:24] Allie Allie I would say a bad bad and what I kept thinking about was I mean

[54:31] you guys watch a lot more of these like super shitty movies than I do but I'm

[54:36] constantly surprised like right but I was like wow Matthew McConaughey Idris

[54:42] Elba not the other person who I thought you guys clarified was not the person I

[54:48] thought it was Dennis Haysburg's in this yes and I believe I believe Jack's mom

[54:57] is played by a woman who was also in Geostorm a movie we recently watched

[55:02] whoo Geostorm why can't I watch that again when you finish a movie you're

[55:09] like I wish I was watching Geostorm again not a good sign for the movie but

[55:13] it made me well at first I was like how much do they get paid for this because

[55:18] this is such a bad movie like why would you wouldn't you isn't there some

[55:23] universe in which even if you got paid a lot for it you would just feel so

[55:26] humiliated to like have your name on it Wow and then I was like it's boring I

[55:33] don't I wouldn't go as far as to say it is like yeah it's not like Stallone with the

[55:36] Italian Stallion or something like that no it definitely is like fucking Idris Elba was in the wire like he like he's in all this good stuff

[55:43] Matthew McConaughey like they've been in legit stuff like why wouldn't you he's played Nelson Mandela but that's what but that's what like Matthew McConaughey wait I thought we were talking about Idris Elba

[55:53] that makes more sense but I was it was just like oh yeah these are people are

[55:59] actors they just like play they're just like in really good movies they're not

[56:07] they're just playing roles yeah and it was a challenge my perception of the

[56:18] universe but it was a learning experience so bad bad yeah yeah uh you

[56:25] guys already pulled back the curtain on what I was gonna say which was that like

[56:28] I don't want to make you guys feel jealous like I don't want to make the

[56:31] audience here feel bad but the last live show we did was Geostorm which was an

[56:36] amazing movie and this one was just 90 minutes of the thing that happened I say

[56:47] bad bad yeah it feels it feels very much like I guess the first season of a

[56:55] TV show that has been edited down for content and to just in into like 85

[57:00] minutes of movie so yeah it's bad bad don't watch it avoid

[57:10] hey guys hope you're enjoying this live show you know what that means it's Dan

[57:16] McCoy that's me doing a solo ad read whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo look I'm

[57:22] not gonna pretend that I'm not very tired it's I'm doing this on the week of

[57:29] on the week of daylight savings I've had a lot of late nights I just had a very

[57:36] heavy soup with a lot of rice a lot of taro in it just just a lot of starch and

[57:44] I'm struggling but for you I will bring the energy that was the energy it's gone

[57:56] now hey guys the Flophouse is supported in part by Squarespace and you know what

[58:03] it is it's a service that helps you do a website which this is a the 90s now if

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[59:11] free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code flop to save

[59:16] 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain so that's pretty good right

[59:25] that's a pretty good deal right what a segue next thing hey jumbotrons we all

[59:33] love them here's one please listen to this we're Alberto Mickey and Brandon

[59:42] three lifelong friends united through our love of movies and each other please

[59:47] join us as we goof around about the newest Hollywood blockbusters and delve

[59:51] into the films of the criterion collection forever demystifying the

[59:56] notion that the love of popcorn films and classic foreign and art

[1:00:00] Cinema are incongruous

[1:00:02] Please listen to our cool podcast the three friends grow

[1:00:06] Nope

[1:00:07] There's no grow in there. Let's try it again

[1:00:10] Not let's let's you know, let's try and give the people what they paid for not confuse the audience

[1:00:15] Listen to our cool podcast the three friends go

[1:00:19] criterion at

[1:00:21] the three friends calm Apple podcasts

[1:00:25] Stitcher or the podcatcher of your choice nice of them to let you choose

[1:00:32] Hey, here's a personal message

[1:00:34] This message is for Joe and it is from Emily last name withheld

[1:00:41] Emily writes

[1:00:43] It's rare to find someone who can appreciate a great wallpaper like Stuart

[1:00:47] Make words sound like other words like Elliot and enjoy this wife's butt as much as any Dan could ever do

[1:00:54] I'm lucky to have you in my life and wanted to make it known in the most public way possible via podcast

[1:01:01] Yes, I got you, baby

[1:01:04] Wait, no, wait. Sorry

[1:01:07] Yes, I got you a baby. Hope it fits. I had her monogrammed no returns look

[1:01:14] I hope this isn't the way that you're announcing that you're pregnant if

[1:01:21] If the person that you have the baby with doesn't know

[1:01:24] then

[1:01:26] Either I mean like I mean, I guess there's situations where you're not living in the same place

[1:01:30] I don't want to I don't want to put anything on

[1:01:33] You guys I don't know your your deal. I don't know what your thing is

[1:01:37] but

[1:01:38] But if you're living in the same place, and he hasn't noticed that you're pregnant yet

[1:01:46] You may want to

[1:01:49] look into others or

[1:01:53] Arrangements

[1:01:54] I'm not saying that he's not a dud

[1:01:56] Per se. I'm just saying that he may not be the most observant person

[1:02:02] You know, I mean even if it's early on

[1:02:04] The fact that you're constantly going to the you know what? I don't know anything about pregnancy. What am I talking about?

[1:02:11] Why am I even doing this? This bit does not work

[1:02:15] It's possibly offensive. I don't know anything about pregnancy

[1:02:20] Like I have to admit my I have to I you know

[1:02:23] It's my branding Dan McCoy is the guy who does not know about pregnancy. It's on my business cards

[1:02:30] Guys

[1:02:32] Look I'm happy for you Joe and Emily last name with hell congratulations on the baby

[1:02:38] I hope I haven't ruined things by the way, I read that

[1:02:44] It's a I blame the tarot route it was very starchy

[1:02:50] There's a few things that I should let you guys know about

[1:02:54] number one

[1:02:56] We're going on tour

[1:02:58] Yeah, if you want to hear me not do this do it better

[1:03:04] Because there are two other people

[1:03:06] Helping me do it then you can come see us on tour and and and listen, we've got four tour dates

[1:03:14] All across this great land of ours the first one is June 8th in Portland

[1:03:19] We're gonna be at Revolution Hall

[1:03:22] the second is

[1:03:23] July 13

[1:03:25] Minneapolis at the Parkway

[1:03:28] The third is September 28th

[1:03:32] Boston

[1:03:33] that's at city space and

[1:03:36] in all likelihood

[1:03:38] We will be doing two shows in that one night at Boston the venue seats

[1:03:44] 250 so if we sell out the first we are going to do a second and

[1:03:49] On October 12th in LA

[1:03:53] Will be at the Regent Theatre again

[1:03:55] We play the Regent Theatre once more once before in Los Angeles, but Stuart was unable to attend due to back problems

[1:04:02] So this will be the first full team

[1:04:05] flop house live show in

[1:04:07] Los Angeles and if you go to the website the listing for this show

[1:04:13] Should have links to all of these

[1:04:16] You take it links for all of these

[1:04:21] We also have a shows life shows page and we'll see whether I've remembered to update the live shows page by the time

[1:04:28] You get this

[1:04:30] podcast

[1:04:31] I am not good at doing that

[1:04:35] But I will do it as soon as I can and I also remember

[1:04:41] Hey, here's the thing

[1:04:43] Max fun drive it's coming up. It's just around the corner

[1:04:48] and

[1:04:49] next week would normally be an off week for the flop house podcast, you know that we do a

[1:04:57] bimonthly show or bi-weekly show weirdly they

[1:05:02] Could mean the same thing depending on how you're using those words

[1:05:06] Once every other week, that's the easiest way of saying it

[1:05:09] But in this case because of the max fun drive

[1:05:12] we are doing an extra show to fall smack right dab in the middle of said drive and

[1:05:21] We'll talk a lot more about how you should donate to max fun then but if you cannot wait the drive website

[1:05:28] Will go live at maximum fun org slash donate on Monday March 18

[1:05:35] So all of that is great, I guess I don't know I'm just running on autopilot at this point

[1:05:44] Hey

[1:05:45] Hope you're enjoying the show. Let's get back to it. All right

[1:05:49] Okay. Now, what do we do Dan?

[1:05:51] Gun has been slung and now

[1:05:54] We have forgotten the face of her father's

[1:05:59] So

[1:06:01] Hissing that's weird

[1:06:04] So there's a snake loose in the audience

[1:06:08] No, no parcel tongue. Uh-oh

[1:06:10] This is the part where so we like to take some questions from the audience

[1:06:15] We're gonna take as many as we can

[1:06:17] We don't have all that much time because we always always went way too long

[1:06:20] But what damn is we're gonna take as many as we can within the time limits. Yes

[1:06:24] He didn't mean look we're doing this until we drop dead

[1:06:28] No, the next like 15 minutes or so. So we have a microphone set up over here. Please get in line

[1:06:34] It's uh, yeah, and as always because we are strapped for time because we talked a long time

[1:06:39] Please if you could try to boil your question down to the most relevant nub and please

[1:06:47] Avoid any stories about how much you love the podcast because we know you love it. You're here. Thank you very much. Wow

[1:06:52] Jesus very

[1:06:54] very

[1:06:57] Elliot says no wedding proposals. I'm sorry. I know you guys bought tickets to see the show because you hate us

[1:07:04] It's like in The Simpsons when she was in the second-best band Lisa

[1:07:08] Yeah, they just start booing and she goes why would they pay to boo us?

[1:07:13] All right, so the people who are in line hello

[1:07:19] Yeah, that's the microphone yeah, hi whole name withheld you don't even know who I am

[1:07:25] So recently I was reading some articles about the 1988 remake of the blob

[1:07:30] You know as you do and a number of people who have seen this movie are

[1:07:34] Laboring under the delusion that the titular blob is a metaphor for the AIDS crisis

[1:07:39] I don't know if you guys have seen that movie. It's not it's not about that at all

[1:07:44] So I was Liz this is not a question yet

[1:07:47] You talking about an article you're ahead. No, this is versus multiple articles second. No, so that's the hot take microphone

[1:07:55] Um, the question is have you guys

[1:07:58] Can you guys think of any examples when?

[1:08:00] People have claimed that there was something deep and subtextual in a movie when it just was not it just was not there

[1:08:07] I mean, that's that's kind of what the entirety of the movie room 237 is the shine documentary

[1:08:12] Which is an amazing movie and it was like all these people being like this is what the shining is about you hear them

[1:08:17] Talk about you're like that is crazy

[1:08:18] But it was like I watched that movie and I'm like, oh this is a movie about how people need God

[1:08:23] They need they need to believe in kind of like an all-powerful hand that has created a reason for things

[1:08:29] Yeah, because arbitrariness does not fit into the view of the universe and it's a really good movie

[1:08:33] But that's basically the whole movie is people being like so that's what the shining is about and you're watching you're like

[1:08:37] What are you talking about? It's about Stephen King's battle with his own alcoholism. That's he said that's what it's about

[1:08:43] I also kind of feel that way about the original

[1:08:46] Invasion of the body snatchers where everyone's like, oh, this is a movie about anti-communist hysteria

[1:08:51] Well, it could easily be written read just as like communist hysteria like either way

[1:08:57] I feel works like you can't really like say like, oh he was mania ironically

[1:09:03] You don't know that like, I don't know. That's not very funny. But that's what I came to my mind

[1:09:08] Hey, I thought that way about the love song of J Alfred Prufrock. I was like, this is just like silly

[1:09:15] The guy wants to be a crab yeah, like that's a Daniel Tiger type stuff

[1:09:22] I

[1:09:24] Hope that answers your question

[1:09:28] Hi, I'm John last name withheld. Hello. Hi. Thank you to Elliot for his

[1:09:39] I wish

[1:09:41] Thank you to Elliot for his extremely informative

[1:09:44] Presentation before the show about the differences between the New York boroughs. I was just wondering if there's a

[1:09:50] Quintessential New York experience for each of you that you could say

[1:09:56] For someone to do if they were here say on vacation

[1:10:00] If you ever want to like, go on a kill spree to free a teen prostitute from Harvey Keitel...

[1:10:03] Always!

[1:10:06] I feel like you can't call yourself a New Yorker until you've done that.

[1:10:10] If you want a quintessential New York experience, I say that

[1:10:14] if you ever come across a subway car with nobody in it, definitely go into that car.

[1:10:25] And just enjoy the scent.

[1:10:28] Because then you get the joy of when you go to the next car, and you will.

[1:10:33] You get the joy of at each station, watching other people have the experience you just had.

[1:10:42] I was just going to say, if you go anywhere along beautiful Fourth Avenue here in Brooklyn,

[1:10:47] you're going to see many high-rises going up, so there's going to be a lot of construction

[1:10:52] crews. And just follow one of those construction workers when they walk away,

[1:10:57] and then open their car door, and then just pee on the ground.

[1:11:02] Because that's, that's crazy. I guess I can't see your dick, so it's cool.

[1:11:11] Hallie, do you have any advice, or should we move on?

[1:11:13] Hallie, yeah, what's it, what's it went for like a midwestern gal transplant like you?

[1:11:16] I thought you were, I didn't think you were asking for, I thought you were asking us to

[1:11:20] tell you our quintessential New York experiences.

[1:11:23] I mean, I think you can do that too, if you want.

[1:11:25] Okay, well mine was definitely when Tom Hanks proposed to me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

[1:11:31] I'm sorry, the top of the Eiffel Tower, is that what you said?

[1:11:35] Yeah, New York's famous Eiffel Tower.

[1:11:37] Dan went and roamed.

[1:11:44] All right, that's the best answer that could possibly have been given, so we should move along.

[1:11:49] Thank you very much.

[1:11:50] Thanks for the question. Next question, please.

[1:11:52] Hello, first name Gunn, last name Slinger.

[1:11:59] I just had a question about, now that Elliot's moved to the west coast and like has seen

[1:12:04] kind of the movie business over there, I was wondering.

[1:12:06] Let's, let's assume I've seen over there.

[1:12:09] Now that you're like a big Hollywood star and everything.

[1:12:10] Let's not assume it's just a locked door I'm banging against saying, let me in, let me in.

[1:12:15] So would you say that, I guess it's kind of more for Elliot, but would you say that the east coast

[1:12:20] or the west coast has like more of an artsy movie scene, like kind of private viewings

[1:12:24] and indie shows and stuff like that?

[1:12:26] Actually, to be honest, it's both, it's pretty competitive.

[1:12:30] Both of them have, in LA has this, has this reputation, especially in New York,

[1:12:34] for being like this really culturalist classless place.

[1:12:38] But you like, there's all these people out there who are making things.

[1:12:41] And dancing to jazz and stuff.

[1:12:43] Yeah, yeah, they're all, and there's a lot of, there's a lot of people dancing to like.

[1:12:50] There's a, there's a lot of people dancing to music that reminds you of better music.

[1:12:54] That was, but they, but there's a lot of that stuff in LA.

[1:12:59] And it's like, I am the, I'm kind of the wrong person to ask because as a parent,

[1:13:03] I don't get to go out and do that stuff very much.

[1:13:05] But I feel like New York has a fair amount and LA has a fair amount.

[1:13:09] Like there's both a lot of it.

[1:13:10] If you, and the only difference is that in New York, like if you walk a block,

[1:13:14] you'll stumble on someone making either a student film or a law and order episode.

[1:13:17] But in LA, someone has to tell you like, go to this place.

[1:13:21] It's really cool.

[1:13:22] So they're there, but it's a lot easier to find them in New York.

[1:13:27] Moving on.

[1:13:27] More questions for me, please.

[1:13:29] Hey guys.

[1:13:30] It's me, Will.

[1:13:32] Hey, Will.

[1:13:32] Hello.

[1:13:34] Glad to see all the peaches in the same basket.

[1:13:39] That's what we call our bed, people.

[1:13:40] Chill out.

[1:13:43] So I really been waiting for years just to play Radio Zork.

[1:13:48] Sure.

[1:13:50] Time for Radio Zork, everybody.

[1:13:51] Many have tried, few have succeeded.

[1:13:57] So what do you do?

[1:13:59] If I remember, I think last time we listened to a door.

[1:14:03] So I really just want to get through that door.

[1:14:06] So is LA, does get through a door a valid command?

[1:14:11] You walk into the door.

[1:14:14] Do I get out?

[1:14:15] You say, clutching your nose.

[1:14:18] The door remains closed.

[1:14:19] We'll find out what happens next time on the next episode of Radio Zork.

[1:14:23] Thanks for playing the game.

[1:14:28] I know, right?

[1:14:30] Stuart, quit showing off your shorts.

[1:14:33] Guys, I bought some shorts.

[1:14:34] Short shorts on, and he's putting his leg up on it.

[1:14:38] All right.

[1:14:38] So introduce yourself.

[1:14:43] Case L, former coworker of me.

[1:14:47] Yeah.

[1:14:49] Why is everyone being fucking weird?

[1:14:54] Congrats on the Emmy.

[1:14:55] I love you.

[1:14:55] Fernando says hi.

[1:14:57] Okay, thank you.

[1:14:58] Here's the question.

[1:15:00] I'm a man of tradition, so I'll keep it the same.

[1:15:02] Sure, yeah.

[1:15:02] If you had to human centipede.

[1:15:05] Oh, this old chestnut, huh?

[1:15:07] Does it change?

[1:15:08] Of course.

[1:15:09] Okay.

[1:15:09] If you had to human centipede the Justice League.

[1:15:14] Okay.

[1:15:16] In what order would it be?

[1:15:20] Wait, do we have to be involved in the human centipede,

[1:15:23] or do we just have to make them into a human centipede?

[1:15:26] I think we just have to...

[1:15:26] I mean, if you want to be involved, I guess.

[1:15:28] No, I wasn't digging that shit.

[1:15:31] I guess I can opt out.

[1:15:32] I don't know.

[1:15:32] Let me just say this, guys.

[1:15:34] You want to opt out of this human centipede.

[1:15:36] Because at some point, Superman's shit is going to come flying at the speed of a bullet.

[1:15:43] You don't want to be in the path of that.

[1:15:45] So put him at the back, is what you're saying.

[1:15:47] Yeah, I'm saying Superman goes at the back,

[1:15:49] and then put Martian Manhunter behind him.

[1:15:50] I hate that guy.

[1:15:51] Oh, wow.

[1:15:53] He's like, I'm Superman, but I'm green.

[1:15:54] He's like, oh, I'm weak because of fire.

[1:15:56] Everyone is, dude.

[1:15:57] That's not special.

[1:16:01] Yeah, I don't want to do this to anyone.

[1:16:06] Why do I have to be playing God with a human centipede?

[1:16:10] Dan, you asked for this responsibility when you started a podcast.

[1:16:15] It goes Martian Manhunter in the back, then Superman,

[1:16:18] then Dan McCoy, and then Aquaman.

[1:16:20] I think we all covered it.

[1:16:21] Okay.

[1:16:22] Yeah, that sounds good.

[1:16:23] Sounds good.

[1:16:25] Thank you, guys.

[1:16:26] Love you still.

[1:16:29] Yes.

[1:16:30] What's up?

[1:16:30] Martin, last name with hell.

[1:16:32] So when I was first getting into movies,

[1:16:34] and I would be around people who knew about movies,

[1:16:36] I would probably pretend sometimes like I knew more about than I actually did,

[1:16:39] so I didn't look like an idiot.

[1:16:41] That's called being a man.

[1:16:42] Yep.

[1:16:44] And as I've gotten older, I've sort of grown out of it.

[1:16:47] But so my question is, when have you lied about having seen a movie, and why?

[1:16:52] No.

[1:16:54] I know what's happened.

[1:16:55] I just can't think of it.

[1:16:56] Oh, yeah.

[1:16:59] I can't remember.

[1:17:01] No, I mean, I think it happened a long time ago, is the thing.

[1:17:05] Now I'm an adult, and I'm just like, I haven't fucking seen that movie.

[1:17:10] But when I was a kid, I thought it was important.

[1:17:13] Yeah, you think people will think less of you.

[1:17:15] Exactly.

[1:17:15] If you haven't seen, I don't know, whatever.

[1:17:19] I'm trying to think what movie.

[1:17:20] There were so many movies I faked having seen when I was younger.

[1:17:23] No way I saw that.

[1:17:24] I lied about seeing Wake and Fright for a while, and then I admitted I've never seen it.

[1:17:29] I want to.

[1:17:30] It's a good movie.

[1:17:30] I just haven't gotten around to it.

[1:17:31] I know it's good.

[1:17:32] That's why I lied about it.

[1:17:35] I often lie.

[1:17:36] I don't lie so much about having seen things, but I lie about having heard of things.

[1:17:39] People will be like, the trailer for Sessions just dropped.

[1:17:41] I'm like, oh, yeah, how's it look?

[1:17:43] And the implication is, oh, I'm aware of that.

[1:17:46] But recently, people have been like, oh, Hereditary is coming out.

[1:17:50] Excited?

[1:17:50] I'm like, of course I am.

[1:17:52] And then I'm like, Google, Hereditary.

[1:17:56] Do you work in the TMZ office now?

[1:18:00] Hallie, I assume that this idea is almost completely foreign to you.

[1:18:04] No, I think I've probably done that tonight.

[1:18:06] Oh, yeah?

[1:18:07] Yeah.

[1:18:10] But I just know you guys—

[1:18:11] You've never seen Roxanne?

[1:18:13] No, I've seen Roxanne.

[1:18:15] But I also know that you guys are doing it way more than you admit.

[1:18:19] You're like, oh, yeah, when I was younger, I'm like, Elliot, come on.

[1:18:22] You do that all the time.

[1:18:24] I say, I only pretend I know things.

[1:18:27] I don't pretend I've seen things.

[1:18:29] Because I've seen things, Hallie.

[1:18:31] Terrible things.

[1:18:34] Moving on.

[1:18:36] Hey, Joe, last name with health.

[1:18:39] A few months ago, I was on a flight, and I watched the entirety of Suicide Squad

[1:18:43] over somebody's shoulder, completely on mute.

[1:18:45] I did not think to put it on the screen myself.

[1:18:48] What's the last movie you remember watching over someone's shoulder on a plane?

[1:18:53] I watched the vast majority of Valerian over someone's shoulder.

[1:18:59] And I think that's—

[1:19:00] Having seen it not over someone's shoulder, I think that's the better way to watch it.

[1:19:05] I also really enjoyed seeing people watching Dunkirk on a plane.

[1:19:11] And Gravity.

[1:19:12] That was another great one.

[1:19:15] The only time I've ever seen any of Avatar was the guy next to me was watching it on a plane.

[1:19:21] And I was like, I've never seen that movie, but I know that's not the way to watch that movie.

[1:19:25] And it just made me think that James Cameron was somewhere going like,

[1:19:28] ah, why do I hurt all of a sudden?

[1:19:33] I'd like to introduce myself.

[1:19:35] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:19:37] I watch movies on planes all the time.

[1:19:42] I don't watch over people's shoulders.

[1:19:46] Hallie, do you have anything, or should we move on?

[1:19:50] No, I don't.

[1:19:51] I don't know.

[1:19:54] I don't know.

[1:19:54] I watched Nacho Libre once, twice in a row on a plane.

[1:20:00] First time I saw it.

[1:20:01] Were you worried you missed them?

[1:20:03] So that increases the worldwide total of people watching Not To Believe rate to four.

[1:20:09] It was so funny the first time.

[1:20:11] I was like, I'm ready to go again.

[1:20:14] Let me back on that roller coaster.

[1:20:16] You weren't like, well, time for me, now that I know the ending, time for me to decode that puzzle.

[1:20:23] Yes, sir.

[1:20:25] Josh, last name withheld.

[1:20:27] So about an hour and a half ago, my phone was like, hey, you're supposed to be at the bell house in ten minutes to see the flop house.

[1:20:33] I was like, oh, shit, that's tonight.

[1:20:35] And I got in a cab and I got here.

[1:20:37] A stirring tale of survival and triumph over the odds, for your consideration.

[1:20:43] And my nervousness is masking my enthusiasm for making it.

[1:20:48] But is there something – have you had a near miss recently or a memorable one in your life?

[1:20:53] A near miss, is that what you're asking?

[1:20:55] I feel like I heard those stories from Dan Stewart literally right before the show.

[1:20:59] How so?

[1:21:01] Well, yesterday my wife and I went to the Bronx Zoo, which is amazing.

[1:21:08] It's great.

[1:21:09] It took us forever to get there, and we only had an hour, but I did still see some fucking giraffes.

[1:21:14] So we rushed all the way back to Brooklyn, and traffic was terrible, and we're like, we have tickets to go see an early screening of Oceans 8 at the draft house.

[1:21:24] I even bought my – I'm very excited.

[1:21:26] I even bought my wife the commemorative pint glass to put on my collection of other Mondo Star Wars pint glasses.

[1:21:34] Like, we're going to do it up.

[1:21:36] It's Wednesday, baby.

[1:21:38] And we ended up parking, and we went down and had some food, and we got all the way up to the draft house.

[1:21:44] And I'm like, I believe you owe me one glass, please.

[1:21:47] And he's like, for what, solo?

[1:21:49] And I'm like, no, for Oceans 8.

[1:21:51] And he's like, oh, you're pretty early, right?

[1:21:54] And it turns out that the ticket I had bought was for a screening at Yonkers.

[1:22:02] I know.

[1:22:06] And Yonkers isn't even that far from the fucking Bronx Zoo.

[1:22:10] You could have ridden a giraffe over there.

[1:22:13] Elliot, I have no idea what you're implying that I almost missed.

[1:22:16] You were telling the story about showing up on the wrong day for a movie, then.

[1:22:19] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:22:21] No, I likewise went to the Alamo draft house on the wrong Monday.

[1:22:29] They were having a Frank Henenlotter retrospective.

[1:22:32] The guy did Basket Case and Frank and Hooker and Brain Damage.

[1:22:36] I was going to go see the movie Bad Biology about a woman with seven clits who meets a man with a giant sentient penis, and they have a romance.

[1:22:47] You know, Shakespeare's told it best.

[1:22:51] And I showed up on the wrong Monday.

[1:22:56] And I was like, fuck, all right, I've spent my whole night on this.

[1:23:01] It's 9.30. What else are they showing here?

[1:23:05] And what they were showing was there was a video vortex of Secret Agent 00 Soul starring Billy Dee Williams

[1:23:13] directed by Billy Dee Williams' stunt double on Return of the Jedi.

[1:23:20] And so I went to see that.

[1:23:22] And, you know, bad dramas are fun.

[1:23:27] And bad comedies are like punching yourself in the eye.

[1:23:33] And so I decided, like, 15 minutes into the movie, like, well, this is going to be a nice nap that I'm going to take for the next 90 minutes.

[1:23:42] And that's what I did.

[1:23:43] So that's my story.

[1:23:46] But I think we may actually – if we do it fast, we may actually have time enough to get through the entire line.

[1:23:52] So let's do it fast.

[1:23:54] This is quick.

[1:23:55] Nick, last name withheld.

[1:23:56] My only question is did any of you notice that Matthew McConaughey only used the word magic in plural through all of the Dark Tower?

[1:24:04] It was only magic.

[1:24:07] Do you have any thoughts on it?

[1:24:09] That's a very Wiccan-y way of saying it.

[1:24:13] You mean like Wiccan-y, Wiccan-y whack?

[1:24:15] Yeah.

[1:24:17] You know, I didn't notice that.

[1:24:19] I mean, he gives such a sleepy performance.

[1:24:21] I just wasn't paying that much attention.

[1:24:23] He's a very charismatic actor, and I know that when you have a McConaughey, you're going to stick him in as many scenes as possible,

[1:24:29] especially because Roland's not the most exciting hero.

[1:24:32] But, man, it was boring.

[1:24:35] Wow.

[1:24:36] I didn't have as scathing a review of his performance.

[1:24:40] I was like, he's trying something new.

[1:24:42] And he's very handsome.

[1:24:45] For too long, Matthew McConaughey has leaned on the crutch of his charisma in his performances.

[1:24:50] Finally, he's experimenting with no charisma.

[1:24:53] I liked it.

[1:24:55] Yes, sir.

[1:24:56] So the first thing I just wanted to say was I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as –

[1:25:02] there was the Ouija episode where Halle tried to explain that Dan was a ghost.

[1:25:07] And that was probably the hardest I've ever laughed at in an episode of Lobhouse.

[1:25:13] But the other thing is in this movie, Dennis Haysbert and Jackie Earl Haley kind of play characters that basically an extra could have played.

[1:25:26] So I wanted to know what is the role in any terrible movie that you think a kind of good actor was kind of wasted on?

[1:25:38] But don't you want to know how much they got paid?

[1:25:41] That was my question.

[1:25:43] It's crazy.

[1:25:44] Why are they doing that?

[1:25:45] I'm sure Dennis Haysbert was paid very handsomely.

[1:25:48] That's what I'm saying.

[1:25:50] We addressed it in the podcast, but we watched – what was it, The Layover?

[1:25:55] Yeah.

[1:25:56] And it was just baffling the fact that they put Cal Penn in a role where they gave him no jokes.

[1:26:01] Cal Penn and Molly Shannon.

[1:26:03] Yeah.

[1:26:04] They were just like, hey, we've got funny actors, so I guess we can give them this drama script that we wrote.

[1:26:11] It's like William H. Macy has some kind of blackmail material against both of them.

[1:26:17] I don't know.

[1:26:18] He's a Pied Piper character.

[1:26:20] He just –

[1:26:21] No, wait.

[1:26:22] He goes into town, steals all the children.

[1:26:24] Have you seen – this was the most fucked up, crazy example I ever saw of this.

[1:26:30] Did you guys ever see that movie when Toni Collette was like a rock journalism reporter?

[1:26:38] She was like a rock journalist, and she had dated some big music star who had disappeared.

[1:26:46] Do you guys – was that – and it was fucking Johnny Depp who had no lines.

[1:26:53] This character had – so it was basically like she had dated this guy who was this huge rock star and had disappeared,

[1:27:01] and it was the 20th anniversary of his disappearance, and the whole movie is about her trying to find him,

[1:27:06] and she goes to his – like she finds him, and it's Johnny Depp in the last like two seconds.

[1:27:15] Am I wrong?

[1:27:17] I am?

[1:27:19] What is it then?

[1:27:21] No, but I want to see this movie.

[1:27:22] I'm really curious about it.

[1:27:23] No, I always remember everything wrong.

[1:27:25] It was Jackie Dapp.

[1:27:26] Does it?

[1:27:27] No.

[1:27:28] It doesn't square with the Velvet Goldmine I saw.

[1:27:30] Because in my memory, I'm always wrong about this kind of stuff, so I'm totally willing to admit that,

[1:27:36] but it was literally like he came out and like stood next to a picket fence,

[1:27:42] and she was like, hey, and he was like, hey, and then he disappeared from the movie.

[1:27:47] How am I wrong?

[1:27:48] I seriously want to know.

[1:27:49] Wait.

[1:27:50] You know.

[1:27:53] Hal is giving the microphone to an audience member.

[1:27:56] This is like Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark video.

[1:27:58] I have to know.

[1:27:59] How am I misremembering?

[1:28:00] Well, it's Christian Bale was the journalist.

[1:28:03] Toni Collette was in it.

[1:28:04] You were right about that.

[1:28:05] She was the wife of the singer, who was Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and Ewan McGregor was in it.

[1:28:13] I said, you got the part about Toni Collette right, but it was.

[1:28:19] I don't think we can untangle this fucking knot right now.

[1:28:23] I feel like I'm.

[1:28:24] You're definitely.

[1:28:25] He's like fucking Rashomon now.

[1:28:28] It feels like I'm watching Halle in front of an audience learn that the tooth fairy was her parents the whole time.

[1:28:35] No.

[1:28:36] I want to get to the bottom of this, but this might not be the time.

[1:28:39] Right into who was in Villegold's mind care of Halle Hagland's At the Tension of the Flophouse.

[1:28:45] One, two, three, fake street.

[1:28:46] Hal is squinting very, very dubiously.

[1:28:51] No, because they were like, you dated him.

[1:28:53] You're the one to write this story.

[1:28:58] We'll figure it out.

[1:28:59] Look, I had to answer for that question, but I can't top Halle's journey of self-discovery.

[1:29:04] We've got to get to these last couple of questions.

[1:29:06] I'm totally open to believing I'm wrong about this.

[1:29:09] We've got to get to these last questions.

[1:29:10] I can't follow that, but my question was, do you think the gunslinger could beat Omar Little and Brother Mouzon in a gunfight?

[1:29:16] No.

[1:29:17] No.

[1:29:18] No.

[1:29:19] Good question.

[1:29:20] I mean, Omar, spoiler alert, was killed by a child.

[1:29:22] Wait, wait.

[1:29:24] Hold on.

[1:29:25] Hold on.

[1:29:26] Hold on, Dan.

[1:29:27] Dan.

[1:29:28] Hold on, Dan.

[1:29:29] What is wrong with you?

[1:29:31] Number one, that just shows how amazing his game was because it took the innocence of a child,

[1:29:40] the only type of person who can figure out that that planet in Star Wars was erased from the galactic library system.

[1:29:46] And a child, the only person who can bring down the Dark Tower is the mind of a child, I guess.

[1:29:51] Yes, exactly.

[1:29:52] Yeah.

[1:29:53] I would say Omar all the way, even though, yes, he does announce that he's coming very clearly.

[1:30:00] And he uses a very unwieldy weapon that needs to be reloaded very frequently

[1:30:05] And he's based on a character that doesn't exist in real life unlike the gunslinger

[1:30:11] Well, no, I mean in the world of the wire

[1:30:13] They're like it's gonna be this super real look at the world of gun world of drugs

[1:30:17] But we're also gonna throw a boba Fett in there

[1:30:20] Cuz every story needs a boba Fett

[1:30:24] Okay last question of the night hey guys, how are you? Thank you so much

[1:30:28] Thank you lady and gentlemen

[1:30:34] Third live show, which is amazing

[1:30:38] And I want to talk to you guys

[1:30:40] I

[1:30:54] Want to talk to you about you what you guys were talking about tonight and other topics, but uh

[1:30:58] Is there anywhere? Are you guys gonna have a beer?

[1:31:05] Yeah, well immediately after the show we're gonna be outside

[1:31:10] Signing stuff, I guess if you want that

[1:31:13] Anyone wants that for some reason that'll happen and then we're gonna all and well not all of us. I'm going to end up

[1:31:23] I would say

[1:31:25] at least

[1:31:26] At least one half of us will probably end up at Hitcherland's bar your lands bar in Kensington, bro

[1:31:33] I know it's a school night. But if people want to come out, that's where it'll be. Okay, Dan big energy finale

[1:31:39] I'm hearing what's the address from someone who sounds suspiciously like a co-owner of that bar?

[1:31:45] It's 739 Church Avenue. Just punch that into your app

[1:31:50] 739 Church Avenue. All right, but thank you so much for coming. Thank you for sitting through all this

[1:31:57] It's not longer than it usually does

[1:31:59] But thank you to Hallie for being here

[1:32:03] It's so great to be back doing a show in New York, yeah

[1:32:08] And thank you to everyone at the bell house, thank you to everyone at the bell. They're the best

[1:32:12] Yeah for the flop house. I've been Dan McCoy for the flop house. I've been Stuart Wellington

[1:32:20] For the flop house Elliot Kalin, that's me

[1:32:22] For the flop house, I've been Stuart Wellington for the flop house Elliot Kalin, that's me

[1:32:52] So

[1:32:57] Dan's making real progress is what I'm saying. I've been waiting so long to hear you say that Elliot

[1:33:05] On

[1:33:07] This episode of the show we discuss

[1:33:10] And that's not how we do it, right? I

[1:33:13] Call it a podcast right and that's what I do

[1:33:17] You know what guys I

[1:33:20] Think too much unearned praise has made Dan foolishly overconfident. I retract what I said

[1:33:29] All right, never in my years. Have I seen someone backslide so quickly

[1:33:36] Maximum fun org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

Ep. #279 - The Dark Tower LIVE

Transcript

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